Prologue
I still searched my surroundings for signs of life. As I had done since the day that I had woken up on the sandy beach, ashore what I can only assume is a deserted island. I was going stark raving mad as the days progressed, with no signs of life and nobody to converse with. Somehow I couldn’t believe that I was the only survivor.
I clutched my head as I tried to drown out the haunting screams of the little girl… her brown hair seemingly suspended in the air… as we tumbled towards the rock bed from the plane. I couldn’t stop the images of her terrified face, as she somehow managed to
reach her arms out to me… needing to seek the comfort of an adult. And I couldn’t help but blame myself for not being able to help her. I tried… God knows I tried… I stretched my arms out just as far as I could, and for a second, I felt her tiny hand within mine. But then I lost her. The last sounds that I heard before I woke up to find myself on the island… was the crunch of her fragile bones as they crashed into the rocks… and took her life.
I found myself in a deep depression as I tried constantly to stop asking myself why she had to die… why had I survived, and not her? Then again, I thought, as I scoped the island for signs of life, she probably wouldn’t have survived out here anyway. Maybe
that was the best way for her to go.
I was desperate for someone to talk to… to exist with.
I thought that I was hallucinating when I saw a body hidden between two large rocks on the beach. I let out a strangled cry as I darted over to it. Thoughts were running through my mind at a mile per minute… whoever it was couldn’t still be alive. It had
been two weeks since I myself had arrived here.
I picked up the body of the woman, and carried her to the sand. Then I felt for her pulse, and was surprised when I found it… still beating strongly in her neck. I pulled my shirt over my head and soaked it with water and then brought it up to her face, to wipe
away some of the dried blood and dirt from her. And I almost gasped when I ran my hand over her fine features… the high cheekbones, the full lips, the delicate nose and jaw, and the long hair… I couldn’t wait for her to open her eyes, so that I could see
into them.
She was like a vision, her blonde hair flowing around her shoulders as she walked towards me. Her short shorts hugged the tight curves of her round buttocks… her breasts were clearly visible through the see-through white t-shirt that we had found
among the scoured items. She looked like a goddess… and I felt myself stir deep within, as I gazed at her with my mouth agape. I instantly put my hands into the pockets of my jeans, to hide the evidence of my desire for her. She was so sexy… yet so
untouchable. She had made that clear to me from the very beginning.
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“I am only sleeping next to you so that we can both keep warm and stay alive…” It was our first night on the island. She glared at me with brown eyes that oozed her confidence, almost as though she expected me to turn around and jump her. Not that I
could blame her… with that body, and those lips and her eyes… I couldn’t imagine anyone NOT wanting her. I found myself thanking god that I had been trapped on a deserted island with this angel… yet cursing him at the same time. She was engaged to another man… and she seemed to be adamant that somehow we would make it off this god-forsaken island, and return to him.
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That had been four weeks ago… and as the days progressed I found myself fighting my body’s reaction every time I caught a glimpse of her. I found myself putting more and more distance between us… because as our friendship and mutual respect had
grown, so had my lust for her. Every time she spoke, I found my eyes fixed to her budding red lips, imagining them pressed to mine… or surrounding my…
I shook my head to stop myself from lusting after her. After all, Marlena deserved more than that from me. She deserved my respect… and I told myself that I would have to stop fantasising about her… at least during my waking hours. Some days I couldn’t wait to go to sleep, because I dreamed about her every night.
And we slept together, wrapped in each other’s arms… in order to keep warm. Often I would wake up and feel her soft, sweet breathing as if fell against my neck, and I had to physically fight myself not to just lean down slightly to touch my lips to hers. I did feel the soft skin of her forehead or cheek underneath my lips night after night. When I woke… dying with need for her… I would allow myself the guilty pleasure of kissing her. Yet I had not yet experienced the sweetness of her lips on mine… and it haunted my every waking moment.
“They are a bit tight…” Marlena blushed, as she motioned towards the new clothes. “Maybe I should wear something else…” Her voice sung, and she laughed almost happily. How could she be happy when we were stuck here… on an island… together? And I couldn’t even touch her. Yet I found myself thinking about where I would rather be… and nothing came to my mind. If I was completely honest with myself then I would have to admit that as long as Marlena was here… there was no place that I would rather be. I turned away, and stared out into the vastness of the blue ocean, avoiding her gaze. I felt her soft hand reach up to cup my cheek. “What is it?” she asked softly, as I turned to look at her.
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The brightness of his blue eyes sends my heart into a flutter every time he looks at me. I know that I should turn away, but somehow I find myself unable to get enough of the intensity, which lurks behind his gaze. I feel myself sinking more deeply under his spell every day, and I know that I should pull back… but I find myself unable.
I remember waking up to those eyes staring down at me, and I thought that I was in heaven. From the very beginning my reaction to him was extreme, and I tried to build up a protective layer around myself so that he couldn’t break through. I gazed down at the solitaire diamond that adorned my finger and I thought of Roman. But somehow, I didn’t long for him anymore. Sometimes I even felt like I had fallen out of love with him. Because now all that I desired, was to feel John Black’s lips on mine… and his arms around me. And the feelings scared me.
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My eyes slowly fluttered open, and I was painfully aware of the coldness of the night air as it floated across my skin. But all I could see were those eyes, that infiltrate my every dream. “Hey Pretty Lady…” He smiled at me, and my heart jumped, and his voice was so soft and so gentle. His hands caressed my face with a wet piece of cloth, as he attempted to revive me. “Am I dead?” The last thing that I remembered was the sound of the plane splitting apart… and the fear as I plummeted downwards.
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“John, come on, tell me what is wrong…” I continued looking into the pools of her eyes, and I savoured the feeling of her hand on my naked skin. I wanted to turn my neck ever so slightly, and press my lips into her palm. But I knew that I couldn’t. She was so adorable as she looked at me with those puppy dog eyes… so pleading… yet I could almost see something more in their depths. My breath caught as I recognised it for what it was… could she want me? Could she want me as much as I want her?
My eyes roamed her face, and I reached my hand up to stroke the bruise that was forming on her cheekbone. She could never look anything but beautiful to me… I had noticed her the first day that I had seen her laying between those rocks. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe fate had brought us here to find one another.
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I stared at him as he slept, his features so peaceful. He looked so sweet lying there. I wanted to reach out and caress his strong jaw line… his rock hard chest and his perfectly formed arms, which were wrapped around me in a tight embrace.
I turned around in his arms so that I could face him more fully, and I smiled as he peacefully adjusted his position, never releasing his arms from around my body. I saw him start to stir and I thought that I would have a bit of fun. I leaned down to his ear,
and I placed my lips oppressively close to it, trying not to burst out into a fit of giggles as I did so. Then I blew gently into his ear… my hot breath landing upon him.
He woke with a start and I groaned as his heavy arm hit my face. “Damn…” I cursed, as John started to blink awake. The pain in my head was splitting, and I sat up and clutched the area with cupped hands. “What… oh my god… did I hurt you?” As soon as
the pain subsided, I told him what had happened, and we collapsed into a fit of giggles.
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“Does it hurt much?” His voice and his touch was so gentle, and I just wanted to melt into his arms. I found myself breathing in deeply, trying to capture the manly scent that surrounded him. His sweat… mixed with the tiny hint of cologne that he had found in one of the bags that had been washed up onto shore.
I couldn’t stop it. His hand moved down to cup my chin, and he gently forced my face upwards to meet his. I slammed my eyes shut again, as I waited for his kiss, but just as our lips were about to touch, he turned my face and his lips fell onto my cheek. I sighed as he brushed them lightly over the area, the pain gone as his lips took me to a place that no one ever had before.
I couldn’t help but sigh as his fingers caressed my jaw line, and I think that he was encouraged by it, as his lips moved closer and closer to my mouth… tiny kisses covering my skin. I was more than ready when his mouth found mine, and I pressed my lips, which tingled with anticipation, against his more roughly. I opened my mouth over his and felt his tongue shoot out and explore my mouth, and my own duelled with his.
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God, she felt so good. Almost as if it were a dream, my fingers found Marlena’s blonde hair and I laced them through it and pulled. She didn’t miss a beat as her lips continued their passionate contact with mine, and she moaned… deep, sexy sounds from the back of her throat. I was painfully aware of her arms wrapped around my neck, and her soft breasts pushed up against my chest. I knew then that she had bewitched me… and that I would never be able to free myself from her spell… even if I had wanted to.
I almost cried when she pulled away. It was so sudden, as if she had only just realised what she was doing… what we were doing. I gazed at her, with eyes that were glassy with desire… for her. But she stared at the sand beneath her bare feet. “What is it?” I
asked quietly, hoping against hope that she would not say that it had been a mistake.
She drew a deep breath and then her eyes met mine, with a look that I had never seen. It was determination mixed with aloofness. And the coldness of her tone chilled me to the bone. “Don’t ever do that again!”
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“What do you mean?” I stammered as I tried desperately to stop her moving away from me. I held her upper arms in my hands.“I am engaged to Roman. Don’t try to take advantage of this situation…” Her eyes flashed angrily, and her face became flushed.
“You wanted that Marlena… you wanted it as much as I did…” My tone was quiet yet intense, and I could tell that I was getting to her. Every emotion that she was feeling flashed through those captivating eyes… anger, humiliation, arousal, tenderness, and
guilt. The guilt was what was holding her back. The way she kissed me proved that.
I felt her struggle beneath my grip to get away from me, and she shook her head vigorously. “No… it’s not true…” She was adamant. But I wasn’t ready to relinquish this moment… not now, after I had come so close to getting what I desired. I pulled her
to me, brutally, her body crashing into mine, as my lips found hers. She only gave in for a few seconds, before she pulled back panting. And then I felt the hot sting as the palm of her hand met my cheek, and the look in her eyes… of betrayal and disappointment… in me. She turned and stormed away before I had a chance to do or say anything.
Chapter 2
“Marlena…” I could feel his presence behind me as I sat, gazing out into the water, my left hand against my heart. It was a gesture of loyalty. The ring that adorned my finger was the only part of Roman that I had left. The relationship had started out as a thing of convenience… but I had grown to love Roman, and he loved me.
“Come on, Marlena… everyone expects it. We are best friends… what could be more natural than us getting married…” Roman held my hands in his own, and pleaded with me. I had known that he was attracted to me for a very long time, but never had I
thought that he wanted to marry me.
“Roman… it wouldn’t work… I don’t love you… not like that…” I begged him to understand.
“I don’t expect you to love me… but please, just say that you will give us a chance? I promise that I won’t let anyone hurt you like he did!”
And out of my insecurities and the pain from the past, my relationship with Roman was born. Now I relied on him like I had never relied on anyone… and I loved him.
I stepped up and walked away from John. I needed some time to myself. I needed to think. I was glad when he didn’t follow me. I had always dreamed of being with someone who filled me with absolute joy and a lust unlike I had ever felt. I dreamed of feeling that way… and now, as much as I tried to deny it… the beginnings of it were ignited within me… every time I looked at John.
I hadn’t even felt this way about Dave, although at the time I thought that our love would last forever. Until I caught him cheating on me… having sex with another woman in OUR bed. And then… the nightmare that followed. I unzipped my pants and ran my fingers along the tops of my thighs, and I shuddered as I felt them… the scars that he had inflicted on me… on the night that had destroyed my life and my trust.
“No, Dave… you can’t do this… you can’t…” Hot tears seeped down my cheeks as he threw me onto the bed. Two minutes ago I had been furiously packing my clothes, while he and his lover looked on. But now… he had me pinned to the bed, his strong
hands restraining me. I gazed over at where she stood, and I cried as she smiled evilly down at me. She was naked, and she slowly walked across the room to where I was, my clothes being torn off brutally, as Dave impaled himself on me. I screamed from the pain… it was as if my insides were being torn open. And when I opened my eyes again, she was kneeling on the bed, a knife in hand.
I shook myself from my thoughts and found myself collapsed on the ground, clutching my body tightly. I could feel the tears soaking my skin. Roman was the only man who had ever known… he was the only person who had seen my scars… and he had been
willing to take me.
“I don’t love Roman…” I spoke to my father, my arms folded across my body.
“You are lucky that anyone will take you after what you have been doing…” I felt my cheeks grow hot and tears sting my eyes. He had dealt a low blow. My father never approved of my relationship with Dave and he blamed me for how things had turned out.
“That wasn’t my fault,” I defended.
“You don’t even try to look good any more. Roman is your only chance… trust me…” I gazed down at the sweats that I was wearing… and I knew that he was right. They were baggy… but right now, that was the way I wanted it. The sexier I appeared to the opposite sex, the more that I laid myself open for sexual predators… and that was something that I never wanted to be faced with again.
I knew that it was unfair to involve John in my problems… I felt badly for comparing him to Dave. But the truth was that our relationship reminded me of what I had with Dave, before it turned nasty. We fought… and it was volatile… yet I lusted for him with everything that I had within me. It scared me that I could allow myself to get caught up in another destructive relationship… and I couldn’t bear to have to explain my scars.
I made up my mind that I would withdraw into myself… to build up an indestructible wall that would block John out of my life. The best way to do that was to keep my distance.
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It was so cold tonight… I had to light a fire. She sat there looking into it, her thoughts so far away… and so sad. I wanted to reach out and comfort her… to put my arms around her and hold her until she felt better… but she hadn’t let me touch her since the kiss this morning. She had hardly even spoken to me. I took out the box of matches carefully, from where I had hidden them in the hollow of a tree. I counted ten and I felt the panic rise in my body. We had been rationing everything as best we could… but the fact was, that soon, we would run out of matches… and soon we would be left to fend for ourselves in the middle of the wilderness.
I coughed as I opened my eyes. I squinted at the brightness of the heat of the sun as it shone directly over me, and rolled over to face the sand. My body ached all over and I dragged myself up, staggering to find some shelter in the sweltering heat. My head ached terribly and I was starving for food and water.
I found a tree and sat under it, trying to work up the strength to try to find something to eat… or to find shelter and someone who would help me. I thought that I was hallucinating when I spotted the suitcases on the beach, spat out by a deadly ocean.
As best as I could in my failing condition, I ran to claim them, before the sea took them back. I dragged three waterlogged, faded cases up the beach and tearing them open, I finally found a water bottle and a bar of chocolate, and scoffed them down like there was no tomorrow.
From that moment on… as soon as I recovered my strength, I went into boy scout mode… and everything had become rationed. I glanced over at the pile of goods that we still had, covered so that no wildlife could find it and drag it away. There were
women’s and men’s clothes… and toiletries, which had come in handy for both of us. The three towels that had been included had started to become tattered the longer they stayed here. Soon they would be no more. A small pile of food was hidden, and some alcohol. Tonight I thanked heaven for cheap duty free alcohol. Tonight I was going to need it… at least to keep my mind off Marlena for a little while.
“Please… no… uh… stop…” She was tossing and turning in her sleep. God, she was so beautiful, and for what seemed like the hundredth time, I found myself wondering what it was that haunted her so. A woman so beautiful and so kind and so strong
should not have dreams that could make her cry. And tonight, I could see tears glistening down her cheeks in the moonlight. “Please… why… why are you doing this?” I was startled when Marlena started thrashing on the blanket.
Without a second thought, I scooted up beside her and pulled her into my arms, holding her tightly and securely. “Shhhh, it’s okay… I’m here… I’ll protect you…” I found myself speaking the soothing words, my face pressed into her hair, my hands stroking the long locks. I wished that I could take away all of the pain that she obviously had bottled up inside. “Oh, god… pleasedon’t…” I held her as tightly as I could.
“Marlena… it’s me… it’s John… you are safe,” I whispered into her ear and I couldn’t help but smile as her eyes slowly fluttered open. Their dark orbs were glazed as her hands reached up to clutch my shirt and she stared into my eyes. “John… John… it’s
you?” she asked confusedly. “It’s me… it will be okay…” My hand instinctively travelled to Marlena’s soft, tear-stained cheek and I slowly stroked it adoringly. My eyes never left hers and before I knew what was happening, our lips were edging closer and closer
towards each other. I held my breath as her soft red lips parted, my heart racing, and my entire body telling me that this had to be a dream. The sparks flew so that I wasn’t even sure at the exact moment when our lips met. All I know is that when they did, I felt
as though I had come alive… a feeling that I had never had before. I felt like this was right… that this was what I had been waiting for my whole life.
The kiss was soft and sweet and chaste. I wanted nothing more than to take it further, but I knew that I couldn’t. Marlena was vulnerable, and this way it made it so much sweeter. So when I pulled away, she gazed up at me in confusion. “John…” she
whispered huskily. I smiled at her and traced her still parted lips with my thumb. Then I placed a kiss on her cheek, right where her dimple was embedded. “Come here…” I whispered into the night air… not wanting to disturb the magical spell that had
weaved itself over the silent island. I felt her head as it lay against my chest, and her soft breath as it started to hit me. And soon she had fallen back to sleep.
As Marlena slept peacefully in my arms, sleep was the furthest thing from my own mind. For one thing, her breath on my naked chest was a distraction that I couldn’t get away from. I felt my entire body throbbing to be with her, so I tried to distract myself
and think of something else.
I gazed up at the woman in front of me. Her chestnut brown hair that hung in loose curls own her back and those brown eyes. She was my girl. Sophisticated, rich, and the love of my life. Sometimes I felt like I wasn’t good enough for her… but somehow, we were brought together. She was an actress, and I knew that once she made it… she would break so many hearts of fans all over the world. I thanked my lucky stars that it was me
that she was standing in front of right now.
Opening the velvet box that held the engagement ring that I had bought for her, I held it up. “Leah… you are the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with… will you marry me?”
The tears filled my eyes as I remembered the outcome of that evening. I glanced down at the sleeping woman in my arms, and suddenly felt afraid… a fear that I couldn’t really justify… even then. Easing Marlena down gently, I stood up and strode slowly down to the ocean front.
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The knife came towards me, shimmering and glistening in the dim light of the room. The tears cascaded down my face as his body was pinned above me. But this time I couldn’t see his face. I was cold… so cold… and naked. I think the fact that I was struggling made it worse… “Stop… you love me…” I pleaded with the man, whose dead-weight remained on top of me, his lips and teeth brutally attacking the skin of my neck and my shoulders and my lips… bruising me almost beyond recognition.
And then I felt the pain… my body restrained by ropes holding me to the bed… my wrists and ankles raw and bleeding from the ceaseless struggle. Blood gushed from my inner thighs as the knife mutilated me, and I could feel the insistent pressing of a rock hard penis against me. This time it was Roman’s.
Then suddenly, a bright light appeared… just as I felt myself dropping further and further into the oblivion of unconsciousness. He stood there like a vision… dressed all in black…and I felt myself freed from my bonds. He lifted me effortlessly into his arms, covering me with a blanket that was just so warm. And his eyes… of a cerulean blue… so kind and piercing… they stared into my soul. And all the pain disappeared. As did the scars.
I woke in a cold sweat, gasping and panting. It had been so long since I had had a dream about what had happened that horrible night. I felt the tears flow as I recalled the dream. Roman… it had been Roman. The idea scared me like I couldn’t even believe.
Roman had been nothing but sweet and kind and supportive… why would I be projecting Dave’s violence onto him now. I struggled to my feet and ran blindly towards the water, the tears blinding my vision.
I reached the water but I didn’t stop… I didn’t even notice that the water was icy cold and splashing against my cotton nightgown in forceful waves. All I wanted was to escape the pain… to stop destroying everything in my life worth living for. Maybe I wanted to end my life… right then and there… but nothing was clear to me at that moment. Nothing, except the sound of shouting as a figure moved towards me… as it slowly penetrated my clouded senses.
“Marlena, what are you doing? STOP!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing as she ran towards the water, her white nightgown billowing behind her slim body. I could hear her sobs and I knew that she was highly distraught. My own mind had been far away
and I hardly even noticed Marlena until she was already in the water.
I ran as fast as I could so that I could reach her in time… before she did anything stupid. I was slowed down by my jeans and the current of the water as I tried to move through it as quickly as I could. They quickly became waterlogged and I could see her
sinking deeper and deeper into the cold water. I ripped my jeans off and threw them back towards the shore, leaving me only in my boxer shorts, and allowing me to move more easily through the water.
I screamed her name over and over until my voice became hoarse, and she didn’t even seem to hear me. When I reached her I grabbed her by the waist and started to drag her to the shore and she screamed and cried and clawed at me, in an attempt to force
me to let her go. Even through all of my panic, I couldn’t help wondering what had caused this pain, but it was obvious to me that something had snapped inside her. “Let me go… don’t touch me…” For a moment I lost my hold on Marlena and she attempted
to make her way out to sea again, but I grabbed her from behind and pinned her hands tightly to her chest with my embrace. “Let me go…” Her pleas were softer now, and her voice was choked. “Nothing is worth this… no matter what happened in your past…
nothing is worth this…” I murmured the words into her hair, gasping for breath as I waited for her to calm down. “You don’t KNOW… how could you KNOW? Please, just let me do this…?” When I heard the fragile sound of her voice and felt her cheek drop down to rest on my arm, I knew that she no longer believed what she was saying. “Shhhh… I’m here. Nothing is going to happen to you as long as I am here…”
“I’m sorry John… I’m so sorry…” She turned in my arms and pressed her body against me, burying her face into my chest. I felt her shivering against me, so I lifted her effortlessly into my arms and carried her back to the campsite.
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I gaze across the fire and into his blue eyes. I shiver and I wrap the warm blanket more securely around myself. I can’t help but feel ashamed of what I did tonight… freaking out in front of John. I glance over at my still wet nightgown that is drying by the fire. “John…” I begin to say, and I blush and look downwards as the feelings of shame wash over me. I can’t even believe that I am considering telling him this… it is something that I have never told another person except for Roman. “I think I should
explain…” I say quietly.
“Hey…” John scoots over to me, and sits directly in front of me, his index finger touching my chin as he encourages me to look up at him. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. You got that?”I nod and smile at him, as my eyes meet his, and suddenly I feel
myself becoming lost again. “I want to… I think that I need you to know…”
“Are you sure?” Again I nod.
“I was having a dream. I used to have these dreams all the time. I guess it was more like a flashback. Something happened to me a couple of years ago… I um… I…” I paused, trying to work up the courage to continue. “Only tell me what you want to tell me…” His gentle voice filters through the silence and I am so grateful to him. “I got hurt… by a man that I loved and who I thought loved me…” The slow tears had started to drip down my face and I was startled when I felt the warmth of John’s hand brush them away. “I dreamed… I dreamed that it was Roman… why, why would I do that? Roman has never been anything but loving towards me…” I feel myself collapsing into John’s arms… his embrace is a comfort like I have never known. I found myself
wishing that I can stay in his arms forever. I become drowsy and I let my eyes drift closed, falling to sleep in the safety of John’s arms.
When I wake up the next morning, Marlena is already down at the beach. I stand up and yawn, stretching my entire body as far as I can. I pause and stand against a nearby tree, admiring Marlena’s form as she moves through the water. I am mesmerised by the way she every so often throws her head back, as if in complete
bliss, and by the sheen of her naked skin which is covered by the water. I want to go down there. I want to join her… I want to feel her body pressed up against mine. I know I can’t. Not after what she told me last night. I know that the time will come when
I can’t control my feelings for her anymore… and that she won’t be able to control her feelings for me. That day seems so far away… I want so much for it to be today.
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I can feel his eyes on me, even from all the way up on the beach. I try not to think about what it would be like to have him here with me… but my mind and my body betrays me. I find myself moving slowly and seductively through the water, knowing that he
is studying my every move.
After last night, I feel so close to John… closer than I have ever felt to anyone before. Not even Roman makes me as at ease and comfortable talking about my problems. With John it just seems natural… and somehow I know that he will not judge me, and that he will not push me further than I want to go.
I find myself goading him with my body… knowing that eventually he will crack and come to me. I want so badly for him to come to me. I look towards him and my thoughts confuse me… I have never been willing to move so quickly with a man since that horrible night. But my heart and body ache for John.
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My entire body shudders as I imagine her underneath me, my lips discovering every inch of her flesh. Marlena’s soft kiss still haunts me and I want more… I know that I will always want more. The way she is moving tells me that she wants more too… and I find myself moving slowly, but purposefully, towards the water where she exists in all of her naked glory.
As I approach the water, I see her seductiveness fade and suddenly nothing but fear exists in those haunted eyes. My crooked smile diminishes, and my eyes search hers, and then I know what she wants.
Turning away, I break into a jog and start to move along the beach. I need to get some kind of physical relief from thoughts of her.
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I get dressed, watching him guiltily as his muscular body disappears down the beach. I feel hot tears sliding down my face as my body convulses into sobs of anguish.
Why can’t I forget the past and let him in? I ask myself, but no answer comes to me, only despair that I will never find what every woman wants from life – love!
My eyes strain to open, through eyelids black with bruising and swelling. It’s almost impossible to focus through the small slit of my damaged eye. My body aches and I moan as I try to sit up. But it is no use. Today my body has a mind of its own.
Through my hazy memory come slithers of a shattered scene… Dave on top of me, a knife, a woman… Oh god! A strangled sob escapes my swollen mouth, sounding more like a dying animal than a human being. As the pieces of memory collide to make sense, my head spins, and I feel myself becoming out of control. I wish I was dead. Why hadn’t he finished it? Why hadn’t he killed me?
I faintly hear a sound coming from far away, slowly piercing into my roaring mind, as I replay the horrific scenes from last night. I feel hands on me, and I jump, muttering something about not wanting anyone to touch me. I suspect that it comes out unintelligible, and then I fall into an exhausted unconsciousness.
“Marlena…” My mind slowly registers that John is back and trying to get my attention. My head snaps up and my reaction to what I see in front of me, shocks us both. For a moment, all I can see is the hot, rippling muscles of his chest… the beads of sweat glistening on his bronzed skin. My gaze is unashamedly lustful, but before I realise that my emotions are under scrutiny, I know that he has already seen it.
Clearing my throat, before this moment gets out of hand, I speak. “You’re back sooner than I thought…” It seems pathetic, but it’s the first thing that comes to me. Too bad my voice continues to betray my desire for the man in front of me. I peer into his eyes,
that seem bluer than ever as he makes no secret of his, for me. My eyes dart away quickly, for fear that I will get lost in him. His voice is still laboured from the vigour of his run and his lips are so red and inviting. I want so badly to kiss them. “You haunt me,
Marlena. I tried, but I couldn’t stay away.” He takes a step towards me, and my head jerks up to look at him. The gruffness with which he says it, captivates me.
“You have to…” I find myself hesitating as I look down at the pale sand, distracting myself by running my feet through the exfoliating grains. “Don’t you see that? You have to…”
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Even while she is saying the words that should break me, I know that her heart is pleading with her to take it back. With anyone else I would probably turn away, and forget that any feelings ever existed between us. But with Marlena, it is different. I sense her heart calling to me to take her in my arms to protect her. She just doesn’t know how to trust.
I wait as she turns away, but before she can move, I move in front of her, my hands gripping her arms, firmly but tenderly. “No…” I tilt her chin up so that her eyes meet mine. “I know that you want me… I know that you dream about me. We are going to
face that, together!” Without waiting for a protest, I pull her lips in to mesh with mine, the heat as we touch overwhelming to both of us.
I smile inwardly as her nails dig into my back and then move to clutch at the back of my neck in an attempt to bring me closer. I know that I want to kiss her forever.
He stares warily at me from across the fire and I can hardly meet his eye. Since our kiss this morning, I have hardly spoken to him. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t describe how loved his kiss made me feel, and I was as guilty as he was. I gave him everything that he had asked for, and I can still feel the heat of his demanding lips on mine, his tongue as it probed my mouth. I didn’t resist him… in fact I welcomed it. But it just made what happened after that so much worse.
I don’t blame him for it… God, any red-blooded man would have done the same thing. Maybe I thought I was ready for it, I don’t know anymore. With a mind of their own I found my hands travelling over his back, trying to commit each muscle into my
memory. I heard him groan… encouragement for what I was doing. I revelled in the knowledge that I could drive such a perfect man to uncontrolled desire.
I don’t know what I expected, but as his hands moved downwards to find my breasts, I froze. In shock, in fear… I can’t even explain why it happened, because I am not scared of him. Scared of falling in love with him, yes, but not of what he will do to me.
Maybe I still find it hard to trust.
I stand up, unable to bear the silence any longer…unable to bear his disappointment in me. I feel the hot sting of tears welling up behind my eyes. I want him to tell me not to walk away… I want him to tell me to stay and that he forgives me. But even though
he opens his mouth for a second, he says nothing.
************************
Something torments her, I can tell. I have seen it since our very first days on the island. But for some reason, whatever it is has now surfaced. I know it has to do with her ex-boyfriend, the one whom she told me about, but I don’t understand what he could
have done to hurt her this much. I shudder to think.
This morning things seemed to be going well for us. I thought that we were starting to finally work things out. With that kiss came a promise of a future together. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I wanted to touch her, but she froze and then started shaking. I tried to hold her, I tried to say I was sorry, but she cried, telling me not to touch her.
When she walks away from the fire, I know that she wants me to stop her. She wants me and she wants to trust me. But for some reason she can’t.
I resolve to fix this problem… tonight. I am going to confront her and make her tell me everything. It might happen sooner than I think, for I see her striding angrily towards me.
**********************
“What the hell is your problem?” Marlena’s voice is shrill as she throws a pillow at me as hard as she can. I can’t hide my surprise as it hits me square in the chest and I sprawl slightly backwards. I open my mouth to try to form some words, but before my brain
starts to work, she is yelling at me again. “Huh? I want to know…”“Marlena…” I stand slowly and take in the sight of her, standing with her hands on her hips, her face flushed into an angry frown. “I don’t know what you are on about.” It’s true. Unless she is blaming me for what happened this morning.
“If it’s about this morning, I am sorry. I know that I moved too fast for you… and I know that there is something that is stopping you from letting yourself…” She cuts me off, another pillow hitting me, this time in the head. “Can you just stop it? Stop acting like such a child and tell me what is bothering you…” I can see that she is taken aback by my outburst and she opens and closes her mouth as if trying to find something to say. “It’s NOT about this morning. It’s about you! You always push me to do things that I’m not ready for… and then when it doesn’t happen, you sulk for the rest of the day. I am NOT some fragile little woman who you can take advantage of…”
“Oh that’s ridiculous Marlena and you know it.” I have to restrain myself from rolling my eyes at her. “I think that you are just scared by your feelings for me. I think that you are scared that maybe, just maybe… there is something out there for you that will take you out of your little comfort zone that you have built around yourself.”
*************************
I am so exasperated by what he is saying. I hate that he can read me so well. I don’t know what provoked this little outburst of mine, but somehow I know that this will sort things out between us, one way or the other. I just didn’t expect that he would be able to fight back as good as I can give it, maybe even better.
“I’m SORRY, OK? I am SORRY for what happened this morning. It shouldn’t have happened and I shouldn’t have let it go that far. But you pushed me John… and I am engaged to be married. Do you really expect me to get involved with you while I am
engaged to another man?” I pull out the engaged excuse, knowing that it is so far from the truth. I take a step back as he moves towards me, his blue eyes piercing into mine with an intensity that I never knew existed.
“I don’t know Marlena… all I know is that you aren’t really in love with him… I think that whatever that creep did to you made you run to Roman… cause he was someone you could trust… but not someone that you would have to risk giving your heart to.” How
did he manage to hit it right on the mark again? His ability to read me fills me with a rage. My hands shake as I deny it.’’
“You know NOTHING about me…” My voice is uneven and dangerous, but his remains calm and he seems unaffected by my fury.
“Yes I do. I know that you are attracted to me… I know that you want me… and I know that you have stronger feelings for me than what you have had for any other man. I can see it in your eyes. And I also know that I want you… and that I have wanted you from the first moment that I saw you…”
“You’re wrong about that!” I feel tears spill from my eyes, hot tears of anger. I turn away and start to run towards the beach, needing to escape him, needing to get away from the truth.
************************
I open my eyes, a million daggers of light piercing the safety of my unconsciousness. I feel nothing but numbness, my entire body like a lead weight on a soft bed. I slowly hear a familiar voice piercing the silence, calling my name, and I feel a warm hand clutching mine.
Finally I focus my eyes and I can see Roman sitting next to me, a million lines of worry on his face. Another sign that he is in love with me, feelings that I will never be able to return. I can’t remember why I am here, but it seems odd to me that I am thinking of Roman’s feelings towards me. “Roman…” My voice comes out faint and I feel the stab of pain as my mouth moves.“Marlena… thank god you’re awake. How are you feeling?” His concern touches me, but it also fills me with dread. “What happened to me?”
Regaining use of my hands I lift them to my face and feel the evidence of swelling and bruising there. Suddenly my memory starts to return to me and I panic as I sit up quickly, parting my legs to see what the damage was. All I see are white bandages covering my injuries, as the tears start to flow.
**************************
I follow Marlena down to the beach, not willing to let this go. I am going to find out what is bothering her. “I am not letting this go, Marlena. I want you to tell me what has you so upset… is it me? Have I done something to hurt you?” My voice becomes gentle as I stand in front of her and express my concern for her. The tears well in her beautiful eyes and I can see that she is trying to hold them back. It’s like she thinks that I will consider her crying in front of me a weakness.
I take her arms tenderly and brush a strand of her long hair from where it has fallen across her face. “I want to help you…”“You can’t help me John… no-one can!” The despair that I see covering her features fills me with concern… and with determination that I will never let anyone put that look on her face again.
“Talk to me. We can work it out, if you just talk to me…”
Her eyes search mine, looking for the honesty in my statement. She still finds it so hard to trust me. She opens her mouth, pausing as she tries to make her decision.
“I can’t…” She whispers so softly that I hardly hear it. With both of my hands, I hold her face, reassuring her that I am here when she is ready to talk.
“Why not… are you afraid of me?” The tears fall freely down her cheeks now, but somehow it makes her more beautiful. Somehow it makes me want to protect her so much more.
“No…” She shakes her head insistently, as if shocked that I could even think such a thing.
“Then what?” I prompt gently, my hands never leaving her face.“I’m… I’m afraid… that you…” She turns her face away, not able to look me in the eye as she speaks. I indulge her for a moment. I want her to feel as comfortable as possible as she tells me this.
“I’m afraid that you won’t want me anymore after you see what he did to me…” The words come out in a rush, and I feel the air knocked out of me as the meaning of that statement hits me.
I feel myself spiralling into a blind rage as I imagine what that bastard did to her. I know that it won’t change my feelings for her, but I have to know. I have to understand what happened to her, and what scars it left on her. I bring her eyes up to meet mine. I want her complete attention when I say this.“Nothing could change the way I feel about you, Marlena…”“How can you KNOW that?” Comes her impassioned plea. She wants so badly to believe me, but right now, she is finding it impossible.
“Because I know you, and no amount of physical scars will change that. You hear me?” I am begging Marlena to believe me.
“I want to show you, John… I want to show you what he did to me…” She gulps and awaits my agreement.
“You don’t have to…” I want to give her a way out. I don’t want her to feel like she has to show me.
“I want to…” I watch as Marlena moves back up towards the fire, her hand clasping mine as she pulls me behind her.
She closes her eyes and her hands move down to unzip her shorts. She removes them slowly and takes my hand to place it on her inner thigh. I gasp as I feel the evidence of a man’s brutal act, physical scars which have done such emotional damage to
the woman that I am in love with. I feel myself fill with a torrent of fury as I vow to never let anyone hurt her again.
“How do you feel now?” She breaks the silence and my spirit is calmed slightly.
“I want you now more than ever… I want to be there to stop anyone from hurting you ever again. What do you say to that,
Pretty Lady?”
*************************
He holds out his hand to me and I am so touched by his words. He still wants me. This hasn’t changed anything between us, except to make me adore him even more.
I smile, my heart soaring as I finally feel like everything, for once in my life, will work out. And it’s all because of John.
The way she is looking at me sets fire to my heart and soul. Her hazel eyes burn into my blue ones and I can feel them every so often travel to my lips. Unconsciously she licks her lips as she watches mine. Her face becomes suffused with a deep blush of crimson as she catches me watching her. I kneel beside the fire and reach up to take her soft hands within mine, and my skin tingles as I feel her warmth penetrating me. I tug slightly, urging Marlena to kneel in front of me, my body aching to take us to the next level.
Before I can do anything else, her hands clasp my face and she pulls my head towards her. I don’t resist, but after recovering from my surprise, I part my lips and welcome the subtlety of her sweet taste, as her tongue tentatively darts into my mouth. For the first time in a long time, I feel loved and desired… but with a depth of emotion that I have never experienced. For a while I let her set the pace, the kisses slow and explorative, and I imagine that she is trying to commit the curves of my mouth, the feel of my face beneath her hands, to the deep recesses of her memory. I shudder, the exquisiteness of her taste and the scent of her body causing me to become hard with arousal.
**********************
I sense the change in him, as his large hands move to the back of my head, hands that have remained still until this moment. I feel the way long fingers thread through my hair and tug my mouth back from his. The sense of loss is immense as I find my lips cold, and all I want is for the kisses to continue. I tell him so. “Please, John, don’t stop…” I find myself breathing, my eyes dark brown and glazed with desire.
His gaze echoes the purpose in mine, his usually ocean blue eyes the colour of midnight as they move to gaze down at every inch of me. Then, tugging my hair back further, his teeth find my throat, biting down gently, before letting his tongue and lips explore every exposed inch.
For the first time since Dave, I realise that I am no longer in control of my desire, that I am no longer in control of my body. Briefly thoughts flitter through my mind of surrender, and concern that I seem to have put myself into John’s hands – this time my heart is on the line, for I never knew that a love like this could exist, and though I had hoped, I had given up on finding it.
All thoughts are lost as hands move up my body, coming to rest on my covered breasts, the nipples hard with arousal. I thrust them further into his hands as he begins to shape them, sighing against my throat as he continues his exploration. “You make me crazy…” he breathes against my lips as they close on mine, and again our tongues merge, sensing, tasting, arousing. This time, I don’t know if the kiss will ever end.
Except it does, when John moves his hands up under my top, pulling it up and over my arms. His eyes stare down at me as I lay back, inviting him to love me. The naked desire I see sends tremors of anticipation through me, and somewhere in my subconscious mind I realise that I trust John like I have never trusted anyone before. Never could I have let anyone look at me like this… but with John, I feel like the sexiest woman in the world. “Witch…” he murmurs, and for the second time, all thought is lost as he closes his lips around my nipple, circlingit’s enlarged peak until I thrust against him in pleading. The desperation I feel is excruciating.
As John continues his torture of my other breast, and my back arches up into his mouth, his hands scour the length of my body. Without waiting for permission, my hands find his shirt and John moves off me while I remove it. Instantly my hands find his chest and tangle through the dark hairs, moving over his sweat-covered skin in exploration. I want to remember this night forever, and everything about it.
He has already returned to his ministrations of my breasts, and I am vaguely aware of my increasingly loud moans of desire and frustration. Unable to stand it any longer, I wrench his face from my breast, forcing him to look at me. “Make love to me, John!” I demand, my body shaking with a need so intense that I can’t even make my hands work. I want to grab his erection, which I can feel pressed against my thigh, but somehow I can’t.
The necessity is taken out of my hands when John obliges me, stripping me from my panties and moving his finger across my centre. “Oh baby, you have no idea how long I have wanted this…” he murmurs huskily, as his lips take mine and his fingers begin to push into me.
Before I can stop it, before I even realise what is happening, panic hits me. I feel as though I am spiralling into a vortex of pain and suffering, my body contracting violently at what a moment ago it had been begging for. Vaguely I attempt to stop the memories from flowing back, but I am powerless to control them, as my mind leaves the safety of the deserted beach, of John’s arms, travelling to a place that only I could know, and that he could never understand.
The knife glints in the moonlight that bathes the bed, as does the evil mouth that gazes down at me. A woman’s slender hand clutches the knife and even through the sound of blood gushing to my ears, I hear her voice murmur huskily. “Want me to kill her, baby?” I had never known what it felt like to be cold with absolute terror, but at this moment my blood stills, and my body stops functioning. Almost as if I am dead and I am watching the scene from heaven, somehow detached from myself.
My mind screams, but curiously not at the fact that she just asked him if she should kill me, but that she called him baby. My Dave! How can he be someone else’s lover? But the silk negligee and the way he looks at her leaves little doubt that they are intimate.
“No…” I whisper, pleading, my eyes like an animals, wide with terror.
“No, leave it to me baby. I will deal with the lovely Marlena!” I shake my head from side to side as he grasps the knife and brings it up under my chin, forcing me to look up into his cold, hard eyes. Eyes that until now have always looked at
me with love.
“Just as soon as I have had my fun…”
The knife against my centre makes me shiver with fear. I wait for a flash of pain… I wait for it to be all over, but all I feel are hands and fingers and that knife, and the hardness of his arousal as it enters me.
*************************
“God NO! STOP!” Tears run down Marlena’s cheeks as she pushes at me, scrambling to get me off her. I have long since stopped touching her, knowing as soon as she clenched around me that she is not ready for this. “Marlena…” I speak to her, as she sits up, clenched into a tight ball, and she looks at me, and at last sees that she is with me, and not in the past. “Oh John, I am so sorry…” she sobs her despair, apologising for something that I should never have put her through in the first place.
“No…” I whisper painfully, “I should never have expected this… it’s too soon! I am so sorry.” I bury my head in my hands, all traces of arousal vanished as I realise what I have done. “I am a bastard and I don’t deserve you.”
“Oh God John, it’s not your fault baby. I wanted this… I still want this. It’s just that I have never had a man touch me since… since…” I look up at her, as hazel eyes well with tears. I can’t stop myself as I pull her into my arms, cradling her head against my chest as her tears run down my bare skin.
“I love you Marlena. I won’t ever touch you again until you are ready,” I promise her.
“I didn’t mean to be a tease…” she murmurs against me, as her sobs slowly subside. And I find myself smiling, as I pull her even closer to me, wrapping her into my unyielding embrace.
The Jarlena Journal 