February 25, 1993
Dear John,
Victor won’t tell me where you went, although he mentioned Italy, and some charitable foundations that were set up by Isabella. He said if I wrote you he would forward the letter. At this point, I don’t even know if I can trust that, he’s so angry with me. He blames me for you leaving…I can understand that. I can’t believe you left, but I can understand why. I shouldn’t have run out on you like that. I knew at the time I shouldn’t. We needed to talk about what had happened…what we did, and I was so caught up in my guilt I left. Honestly, I’m still caught up in my guilt.
I need you to know, though, I don’t regret it. I should, but I don’t. I know it was wrong, and we should have held back…but that memory of us together on the plane is one of my dearest memories. I worry that when I left you on the plane, I left you feeling like I wished we hadn’t made love. I haven’t told Roman, because I know it would hurt him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt my family, but I don’t regret what we did.
I miss you so much. You’re my best friend, and now I have no one. I mean, I’m surrounded by people who love me, and care about me, but the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. I diagnose depression all of the time in my patients. Motivating myself to do much of anything is nearly impossible right now. You were the one I could express anything to…even when I shouldn’t. I don’t have that with anyone else, and that’s the oddest part. I mean, shouldn’t I have that with Roman? Shouldn’t I be able to tell him anything? Maybe I should work on that, try and fix the communication problems in my marriage.
Sami and Carrie are missing you badly, Sami especially. She’s trying to adjust to being back in Salem, but she argues with Roman relentlessly, the same as Carrie does. You were a steadying force in their lives. You have a calm nature, and you were always able to get them to see potential outcomes in their actions or behaviors. You let them make mistakes if they were unavoidable, and then learn from them. I feel almost disloyal saying this, but Roman’s inflexibility, and his inability to allow them to make their own choices, is potentially the cause of the problems. I know he wants the best for them, and he does it because he wants to keep them safe. They just think he’s trying to control them.
I spoke with Eric yesterday. He doesn’t want to come home next year. He says he wants to stay in Colorado and continue going to school there. I wanted him to come home for the summer, but he seemed reluctant, and when I asked him if he’d spoken to Roman, he changed the subject. I feel like the children are drifting further away from him, but I don’t know how to stop it. I know I shouldn’t be telling you all of this, speaking poorly of him, but I have no one else…Roman is so stubborn, and he’s pushing them away. How do I stop that? I don’t remember him being so rigid before, well, I mean, before he was taken. He’s not the same.
I guess fear, pain, and imprisonment for seven years would change a man, wouldn’t it? I have so much guilt over that, and in my head I know his imprisonment, and what he went through wasn’t my fault, but while he was suffering, while he was going through that…for part of that time I was so happy…with you. Being married to you was almost a dream. Sometimes I think about it and I feel it must have been a dream, because for one brief year, I was as happy as I’ve ever been. And we were happy weren’t we? My memories of that year are some of the most amazing. I miss you, John. I miss you so very much. I know why you left. I understand, but it’s breaking my heart to be without you.
I love you,
Marlena
~ ~ ~ ~
March 3, 1993
Dearest John,
Shawn and I miss you terribly. I feel like Brady was my grandson, and I sometimes forget he’s not here. I’ll think to myself, “Maybe I can get Brady for a little bit today”, and then remember that you’re gone. I have been spending a lot of time with Sami. It’s so nice to have her home. She spends a lot of time at the pub, and seems to really enjoy helping out, and spending time with Shawn. Her and Carrie have grown closer, and sometimes she sleeps over at her apartment. I’m worried about Sami. She’s been so withdrawn since you left, and she seems to argue with Roman almost constantly. That’s why she stays here, or at Carrie’s, I think. Just to avoid her father.
It’s been over a year since Roman’s return, but I feel like everyone is still trying to adjust. You had a different way with the children. Not better, mind you, but just…different. I think Sami is struggling the most. Roman might be a bit too structured for her. I wish Eric would come home, because I think that might help Sami. You know, to have that connection, but I spoke with Marlena last week, and she says Eric plans to stay in Colorado at least through the next school year.
Victor said you’re in Italy. How is Italy? Are you adjusting well? Things have been mostly quiet here in Salem. Marlena is still doing the advice column for Bella Magazine, which I think is great. Roman would still like her to stop though. He really hates Victor, and doesn’t want her involved with him at all. I tried to explain to Roman that things changed while he was gone. Victor isn’t the same man he was, but Roman doesn’t want to hear it. He reluctantly keeps quiet about it with Marlena, because they have argued about it so many times. She’s devoted to the teen advice column, and I find that admirable. Sometimes she even allows Sami to help her with it, which is great, I think, because Sami really needs her mother right now.
Sami misses you terribly. She’s been calling Roman, ‘Pops’. He hasn’t realized yet that she continues to refer to you as ‘Dad’ and ‘Daddy’ with myself, Shawn, Marlena, and Carrie. Eric does that too. I’m not sure if they discussed doing that or not. Carrie seems to switch back and forth, and I never know who she’s talking about unless I pick it up from context, or I ask.
I wish you would come home. We would all like you to come home. I understand that your work is important, but I feel like something else is going on. You left so abruptly. No matter what, John, you are my son. Shawn feels the same way. Blood doesn’t always make a family.
We love you, and we miss you,
Caroline
~ ~ ~ ~
March 26, 1993
Hi Daddy,
Why can’t you be here? I wish my life was like it used to be, and you could make me pancakes, and coach my softball team. I wish that you could yell up the stairs, “Sami turn your music down!” or maybe you could yell, “Get out of the bathroom, Sami, because there are other people in this house!”…but you aren’t my dad anymore. In my head you are my dad, you are always going to be my Dad. You were the one who took care of me that time I had the flu, and my fever got so high I had a seizure. You wouldn’t even leave my side at the hospital. I remember your voice, and when I finally woke up, you cried. You were my Dad when Jeremiah Bradly pulled my hair and called me stupid, and I punched him. Remember? The school tried to suspend me, but you went there and got really angry, because Jeremiah didn’t get suspended too. That’s what Daddy’s do.
Pops gets mad at me a lot. I’m so used to doing things the way you did them, but he gets frustrated if I mention you, or how things used to be. The rules are different, the chores are different, and if I say something or have an opinion, he says its ‘back talk’. You always made me feel like my opinion mattered, even if we disagreed. Sometimes, with Pops, I just feel dumb. I tried to talk to Mom about it, but she tells me to try, and be understanding of where he’s coming from. Why doesn’t anyone try to understand where I’m coming from? I want to scream all the time, and I’m seriously thinking about going back to Colorado for school next year. At least Grandma and Grandpa Evans let me express how I’m feeling.
I know Mom means well, but it seems like she’s always taking Pops side, and doesn’t even try to understand me. Maybe she does, but I just get too angry to listen? I don’t know. I feel angry a lot lately…really angry. I feel it building up inside, like I’m going to explode. When I used to feel like that you would talk to me, and calm me down. Sometimes when I yell, and scream, and slam my door…well, after that, I lay on my bed, and calm myself by remembering things you would say to me. When I go to bed sometimes, I try and imagine the hugs you used to give me. Those hugs where you wrapped both of your arms around me and I almost disappeared. Those were the absolute best hugs. I wish you were here, and I wish you were still my Dad.
Eric won’t come home because of Pops. He told me before I left Colorado. I told him to come with me, to come home to Salem, and give Pops a chance, but he wouldn’t do it. Now I wish I’d never come at all. I can’t even see you anymore, plus lately Mom hasn’t been feeling well, so I end up by myself a lot, because Pops is always at work.
I love you,
Sami
~ ~ ~ ~
April 12, 1993
Dear John,
I’m so logical sometimes that I find it almost painful. At what point do I let my heart override my logic? I’m so lonely without you, John. I knew, I needed you. I knew, I depended on you, but I guess I always thought you would be here for me. A rather naive assumption, I now realize. When I returned to Salem after those five years I was gone…I came home to you. You were who I pictured in my mind. It was your arms I wanted around me. It was you I wanted kissing me, making love to me…all of it was you. If you had loved me then…if you had chosen me over Isabella, would we be in this situation? Would I have stayed with Roman, if you had loved me then, the way I loved you? Is it unfair of me to ask you that? Probably. I know you loved Isabella, but when I came home…I don’t know…I guess, I thought our love was stronger, more intense. I had grand ideas of our love overcoming any obstacle…and in the end, it didn’t.
When I was gone, I wasn’t aware of time and space, but now, it’s tearing me to pieces. I’m selfish. I know, I’m being selfish. How can I ask you to come home, to stay in Salem for me, and then turn you away when you offer me the purest form of your love? I have more questions, then answers. This could ultimately be a letter filled with questions, and no plausible answers.
I do know this…the more I try to make this marriage with Roman work, the more effort I put into it, the further away I drift…from Roman, from my family, from my friends. I wonder why that is?
I love you,
Marlena
~ ~ ~ ~
April 28, 1993
Dear Dad,
Mom told me that all of your letters are going through Victor. I don’t understand why, but she said something about you moving around a lot. Sounds like an excuse she made up for me, but whatever, I guess. I just wanted to let you know that I decided to stay in Colorado for the summer, and probably next school year too. Sami thought about coming back here, but she’s made some good friends in Salem, so she decided to stay there. She misses you, you know? A lot. She spent a lot of time on the phone talking about that. She’s worried about Mom, too. She says Mom hasn’t been the same since you left. Sami thinks she’s depressed. She said Mom sleeps a lot, and that she was even getting sick for awhile, and not eating much.
Sami and Mom have gotten really close. I guess Pops works all the time, and is rarely home. Sami even told me she’s learning to cook, because we all know that Mom can’t cook, and she’s getting tired of pub food. Maybe you could check in on them? Call them, or at least answer one of their letters?
I’m not sure why you left, and I’m not sure why you don’t call them, but I know they both miss you, and they both love you…so maybe find some time? I hate to hear the sadness in their voices when I talk to them, and it’s because you left. I know it’s not fair to put their happiness on your shoulders. I just don’t know what else to do to help them, because I’m so far away.
One thing I have realized since Pops came home, nothing is going to be what it was…it hurt too much to stay, so I left. Does that make me a coward, to run away because I can’t face another change in my life? Maybe. Probably. I miss you, Dad.
Love, Eric
~ ~ ~ ~
May 12,1993
Dear John,
I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant, and you’re the only person I’ve told. I’m having a blood test done, but I’m almost certain the baby is yours. I won’t tell anyone until I know for sure, but I wanted you to know. My world is collapsing around me without you. My world would probably collapse even if you were here. The only difference would be, that I would have you to hold me up while everything else crashed to the ground. Roman works constantly, and now he’s talking to the ISA again. He barely communicates with me, and when he does it’s generally to find fault with something I’ve done. We’re both unhappy in this marriage, and now I’m pregnant. I’m either having my husband’s baby, and bringing it into a marriage on the brink of divorce…or I’m having your baby…which would destroy my marriage anyway.
This baby, if I’m being honest…I want it to be your baby, even knowing what will happen. My marriage to Roman has been on my mind since you left. The last three months without you have been awful. I’m unhappy, miserable, and depressed. I don’t love my husband, at least, not the way that I should love him, and what am I teaching my children, John? Am I teaching them that when you’re married, and you’re miserable, you stay anyway because you made a vow? Does that even apply in this case? Because my last vow to love someone until my last breath, well, that vow was made to you.
I love you,
Marlena
~ ~ ~ ~
June 8, 1993
Dear John,
I miss you. Sami and Eric miss you, too. Marlena is miserable without you. She didn’t tell me that. I can just tell. She doesn’t laugh anymore, although I guess she tries to hide it. I can tell though. When I’m around her and Dad, they try to act like everything is okay, but I know it’s not. They barely speak. She’s quiet, all the time, and he pretty much ignores her.
I wish our life was like it used to be. I feel so guilty when I say that, because my dad went through so much, so what I really wish was that you were home, and Marlena could be with you, and we could be a family again…but that makes me feel guilty too. The little girl in me wants her family back, the one she had seven years ago, but the adult in me knows that it’s so much more complicated. Being a little girl again might be easier.
I wanted to tell you, but I don’t know how…G-d this is so awkward…okay, so I was looking through Marlena’s drawer the other day for a scarf, and I found a pregnancy test. It was positive. I tried to ask her and Dad about it, but she cut me off. Later she asked me not to mention it. I told her I wouldn’t…it’s just, well, I just can’t figure out why she wouldn’t want Dad to know. Babies are a blessing, but then I thought…well…
So, the night you left, Sami and I were throwing a surprise party for Marlena and Dad’s anniversary. Sami agreed to go with Jonah to the police station to get Dad, and I said I would go to the airport to try to catch you before your plane left, because we thought you might want to come to the party, and, well, I heard you…you and Marlena…I heard your conversation on the plane. You didn’t know I was there. I shouldn’t have listened, I know that was wrong, and I swear I left when you kissed her…but maybe she doesn’t want to tell Dad about the baby because the baby could be yours? Why else would she not want him to know? It’s not my business, I know. I probably shouldn’t even send this letter, because it’ll get me in trouble. But is it possible? Could Marlena’s baby, be your baby? Either way, I promised her I would stay quiet until she was ready to tell the family.
Love,
Carrie
~ ~ ~ ~
June 17, 1993
Dearest John,
Shawn and I miss you dreadfully, and Brady too. It seems as if, when you left Salem, everything started falling apart, although I suspect, it was falling apart before you left…I think, maybe, that’s why you left. Forgive me if I’m being presumptuous, it’s just that, well, Marlena has been so despondent since you left, John. She cries without cause, sometimes just sitting alone staring off into space. It’s been that way for months. I tried to talk to Roman about it, but he just brushes me off and says she’s fine. She’s not fine, John. She is anything but fine. I love my son, but I don’t understand how he can be so apathetic about this.
Sami is worried. Eric, and Carrie are worried too. They’ve all brought it to my attention at different times. Shawn tells me that I should mind my own business, and let Roman and Marlena work their problems out on their own, but something is very wrong.
Roman told Shawn and I yesterday that he was talking to Shane about possibly working with the ISA again. They think that Stefano may have faked his death the last time, which isn’t surprising since he’s done it before. Roman is determined to bring him to justice. He wants Stefano to pay for what he did to him, what he did to Marlena…even what he did to you. Roman is bent on revenge, even though it’s ruining his marriage. He fought to come home to Marlena and the children, and yet he neglects them in this constant pursuit of Stefano DiMera.
When Marlena and Roman were gone, you were the glue that held this family together. Now you’re gone, and it’s falling apart. You may not be my biological son…but I love you, and I consider you my child. John, please come home…bring Brady home. We love you, and we need you.
Love,
Caroline
~ ~ ~ ~
July 12, 1993
Dear John,
I told Roman. I told him everything, that I love you, that I loved you almost as soon as I met you…I told him about the plane, and I told him about the baby, John…our baby. She’s due in four months. Please, come home. I know, I’ve messed this up, and I’ve gone about it all wrong, but I need you. The kids need you…please…I love you.
~ ~ ~ ~
July 15, 1993
Dear Daddy,
Can you come home now? Pops got really angry when he found out about the baby. He yelled, he screamed, he called Mom all types of really bad names…really bad ones. The kind you told me no one should ever say to someone. Don’t get mad if I write this, okay, but he called her a “slut” and a “f*cking whore”! He said that she “couldn’t keep her legs closed” around you. I was scared, but I was soooooo mad too! I came down to check on Mom, and then I saw Pops in her face, screaming…he pushed her…hard, and she hit the wall! I screamed, and ran back upstairs. I called Grandma crying, but she told me that I had to call the police. I was so scared, and Mom was crying, and crying, later, just sitting on the floor. Uncle Abe came, though, and he took Pops to the police station, but Mom wouldn’t press charges. She kept saying he didn’t mean to do it, and he was just angry because of what she did. I don’t care what she did, you don’t call people those names and you don’t push a pregnant woman into a wall. That’s not okay!
Pops moved out. He’s been staying at the pub, but I heard him tell Grandpa and Grandma that he’s leaving Salem. Apparently, he’s been talking to Uncle Shane about going back to work for the ISA. I don’t care what he does. I hate him! I hate him so bad! When he thinks I’m not around he says really disgusting things about Mom to Grandpa and Uncle Bo. Mom said that I’m just angry, and eventually I’ll forgive him…but I don’t think I will. He told Uncle Bo he hated you. He said you stole his life, but don’t believe that. Please, don’t believe that. Come home.
Eric said, if he was here, he would have fought Pops. That scares me too, because if he would’ve fought Pops, he’d have been hurt pretty bad, I think. If you come home, so we can be a family again, Eric told me he would come home, too. Now that we’re going to have a little sister, can you come back to Salem?
I love you Daddy!
Sami
~ ~ ~ ~
July 16, 1993
Dear John,
Well, I guess I was right about the baby. It was yours. I’m not mad though. I might be a little relieved. I know that you and Marlena really love each other, and you’ll really love this baby. If it had been my dads baby…I don’t know, because he and Marlena barely saw each other, and he wasn’t really being very nice…if it was his, well, I just think that would have turned out worse. That would have been a sad life for a baby. You know? So, I’m happy you’re the one.
My Dad is very angry. He’s said some really awful things to Marlena, and I’ve heard some of the stuff he’s told Uncle Bo, and Grandpa, when he thinks no one else hears. He won’t say it in front of Grandma, though, because it’s too nasty. I never wanted to think that my Dad could treat Marlena this way, but he is. He’s staying at the pub right now, but he’s forcing Marlena to move out. I don’t know why, since he’s leaving Salem anyway. Why can’t he let her have the house? He’s just being petty and malicious, because he’s just going to sell it.
Victor came by yesterday, when I was at the house, and talked to Marlena, but I don’t know what it was about. When he left she looked like she’d been crying again, but she seemed relieved, too.
I hate to put this on you, because I know that we’re not your family anymore, but we really need you. We love you, and I think Marlena really needs you to love her right now.
I love you,
Carrie
~ ~ ~ ~
“Doc, baby, you’ve got this! You can do this!” John told her while wiping the hair from her forehead and staring into her wide hazel eyes.
“One more push, Marlena, and we’re going to have a baby,” the midwife told her with confidence.
Marlena looked around at her children Eric, Sami, and Carrie, with Brady in her arms. They were all here for the event, and they were about to add one more. Marlena and John had decided on a home, water birth for their daughter. They wanted to bring her into the world surrounded by the love of them all. She pushed with all of her might, and felt the slide of the baby as she fell free of her womb. The midwife immediately placed her on Marlena’s chest, while she cried, and counted all of the little fingers and toes.
“This is our family, Doc. Our perfect family,” John told her kissing her softly on the lips.
“So, Daddy who won?” Sami asked excitedly.
“Who won what?” John asked as if he had no idea what she was talking about, and smirking at Marlena, who had eyes only for her dark haired baby girl.
“The name! Who’s name did you pick?” Sami said.
“Oh, that. Doc, you want to tell them?” John asked Marlena.
“I’d like to introduce you to your sister, Scout,” Marlena said softly.
“I won!” Sami screamed.
The Jarlena Journal 