My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
Help me tear down my reason, help me it’s your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
Lyrics from Nine Inch Nails ‘Closer’
There are times when I forget my position, my place. My romantic side, my nice side, and I succumb to the pure need.
Need to have her. To bury myself within her so deeply we both forget where we both begin and end.
It is this thought that lingers, as my tongue delves into the velvety warmth of her. The taught tip of it grazing her clit…
Full length delving into the dripping pink tunnel that beckons me…
Her juices bathing my tongue… Her essence the only thing I can smell.
It is the mercenary in me. It has to be.
Or are we this addicted to each other. So physically in tune that we could give a fuck less what the world perceives us to be? The sweet, accompanied by romantic music couple; candles always lit; soft touches?
As I grasp her hips; tongue still perched at the altar of her, I find myself conflicted. I love being both of these.
I enjoy lavishing her with romantic gestures. With gifts that she will never know the true expense of, not that she would care.
I feel her hips buck against my mouth, her clit pushing against the tip of my nose. I smell it again. A smell I am jealous that a man that was her rightful husband has inhaled before.
That does it. That pushes the desire within myself to pull my reigns. To harness myself back into the norm.
That part of me disappears. Faster than the tempo of her breathing I become the animal.
She only whimpers as my arms move her legs, adjusting her angle so my mouth is even with the cheeks of her ass. My tongue flicks against each; licking. My lips close around the taught curves of her ass. Sucking. Marking. Owning.
Mine… Finally mine. . .Only mine.
Her hands snake back to touch me, to caress the base of my dick; the soft skin that encases my testicles grazed by her fingernails.
She is enjoying it. She is enjoying me… She always enjoys me.
I always enjoy her…
We always enjoy each other… Together.
I grab her leg, her ankle joining the knot of my knee. Her toes fitting so perfectly into that groove it feels that every inch of us was meant for the other.
Her perfectly manicured nails have now moved to grasp the headboard of our bed. She has succumbed to this beast… She could care less which beast of a husband is behind her, she wants whichever she gets.
I move my fingers to caress her. Easily two of my joints ease into the velvet which my tongue just defiled. She is slippery. Wet. Undone.
Those fingers venture. Backward. Upward. They flick with the wetness provided by her at the puckered hole even with my eyes…
No. Not that we have not done that before, but no. That is what I tell myself internally.
Shaking my head I poise myself at her entrance. Her fingers encase me, slipping against the under skin of my dick. Her fingernails graze me in a taunt.
And I am done. I push into her, into the velvet of her being. I am encased within her again, I am at home. I am fulfilled.
I thrust as if we have no tomorrow. As if Stefano ordered it. As if we were making babies.
I feel her come undone. I feel the liquid of it swirl around me. I feel her curl up in my arms.
And just like that, I am myself. I hold her close to me. I treasure her warmth.
And the beast waits to come again….
Chapter 2
Through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason I stay alive
I can sense when he is torn. My body can feel it. The soft touches are replaced by almost painful grips. It is after these nights that I awake with bruises… Not from abuse, but from loving.
I am not blind, though I would not admit that to anyone else.
I relish in the feeling of his tongue against me. Inside me. Outside of me.
I feel his fingers dig into my thigh. I know this will not be gentle.
I do not care.
I want him.
I need him.
All of him.
I know I have his heart. I know I have his body. But, at these moments, the psychiatrist in me be damned, I relish owning this part of his mind.
My back arches. My chest tightens. I wait.
I feel the tip of his nose graze against me, and I know. The old jealousy is not gone. He is angry Roman ever got this close. That he had the chance to inhale the same scent, feel the same wantonness in me. Except, he didn’t…
He will never believe or understand that this being was not reality before him. I became this only under the ministrations of his fingers. His tongue. His….
I feel it against my thigh. I feel his breath against my ass. I feel his palms spread further against my hip.
He is possessive. He is mine.
I want all of this. I crave all of it. I believe I craved it when I allowed myself to believe he was Roman. Roman… I will always love this Roman more.
That name fades from my brain as he invades my ass with his tongue. Flicking… Sucking…Wanting…
I feel the shiver of my own body shake the bed.
I feel the moisture pool against my thighs.
I feel him.
I need him.
I want him.
I crave him.
My back arches, my whole body slackens.
I am willing to take him in whichever way he requests tonight.
But he does not go that route.
And I am thrown at the change in him. He does not take what was already promised.
And then I realize….
He reclaims that which he feels another has a finger upon.
He slides into me easily. His hands hold me steady. His mouth latches against the skin of my hip beforehand. Licking… sucking… marking.
There are times I protest against that, but it’s not as though anyone will see that one…
And that is as far my mind gets before I am overtaken by the sensations of my mercenary lover.
My back arches, my ass presses further against him. And I growl, each thrust hitting just the right spot.
And I shatter. My eyes seeing nothing but black, slamming back against him, I feel him. I milk him.
I love him. I love this. No matter the version I get.
Chapter 3
I woke up today
to find myself in the other place
with a trail of footprints
from where I ran away
it seems everything I’ve heard
just might be true
and you know me
(well you think you do)
sometimes, I have everything – yet I wish I felt something
I felt the snow against my back, before I felt the warmth of her body against my chest.
What the hell have I done? What the hell did we do?
I find myself at a loss. I find myself in a dream.
A dream of the former me I assume.
I pin her down upon a leather couch. Rain and thunder raging outside… We are on a plane… A plane?
My mind is a mess as I can almost feel the heat of her then; it meshes with the heat of her now.
I remember she initiated the kiss last night, I remember she slipped her tongue past my lips, and mine soon joined hers in an exploration that felt familiar, yet strange.
I remember my fingers gripped the collar of her shirt, almost ripping it, after meticulously undoing every button.
I remember my fingers undoing the buttons of a pink dress upon the sofa on that plane.
What the fuck has happened to my mind? What the fuck has that bastard taken from me?
I feel her stir… I feel conflicted as to how to react… I feel myself wanting to reach my hand out, to steady her, to comfort her, but I can’t.
That daunting Italian voice in my head leads me to grip her, almost violently.
Her breast in one palm, her ass in the other.
My fingers roam. They meet the wet warmth I remember… I remember….
And then I forget.
My cock delves into her.
And then I tense.
Because she tenses.
She whimpers in pain.
I have a fleeting thought that I should be gentle.
I have a vision of how I should be… Roses… Candles…Gentle….
And then she grinds.
And I am undone.
I buck. I thrust. I empty myself into her. Yet, as I do not know who that is, what does that give?
Chapter 4
A thousand lips a thousand tongues
A thousand throats a thousand lungs
A thousand ways to make it true
I want to do terrible things to you
I know I shouldn’t have done what I did last night. This man is not my husband… Well, his mind is not.
I allowed myself to be swept up in the belief that merging our bodies that way would somehow jog the inner depths. Bring him back.
In the back of my mind, I knew that was not the only reason I was doing this. It was not only the desire to bring him back fully.
It was his body. I have never been able to be that close to him without the primal urges kicking in.
He leaned into me, his body spooning against mine, as it always had so perfectly.
I resisted… I tried to anyway. But, I could not.
I felt the hard length of him against me. I felt the evidence of the true man in him probing against my hip.
And I forgot all of the reality we were facing.
I forgot that I would have these feelings today. I held onto the hope that miraculously, his true self would appear while he was burying himself within me… Fucking me…
We were never above fucking. I know this. I admit this.
I loathe this now as I remember his teeth burying themselves into my shoulder. His lips encase my breasts; sucking, flicking, needing.
Need; you cannot turn that off.
We have always shared that. It ended my marriage to Roman… It created Belle…
And still. With this John, I feel ashamed.
I have not used my body to get to him in this way… Not recently…
I have.
I have been this wanton, this needy to keep this man close to me before.
That is WHAT created Belle.
I give myself to this body.
I give my body to any version of this man.
And I wait to do it again.
Chapter 5
She comes along
She gets inside
She makes you better than anything you’ve tried
It’s in her kiss
The blackest sea
And it runs deeper than you
Dare to dream it could be
I remember back… Or I think I do…
She was not always as receptive to me as she is now.
No, she once hated me.
Why is that so arousing?
Why does that matter?
I forget as her pliant legs wrap around my waist.
As her warmth… her heat presses against the man in me.
And I succumb. I forsake all else in this world to be with her.
I shake my head. I am a robot.
At least I am supposed to be.
Yet, I can feel her. I can smell her. I need her.
Why?
I flash to a leather couch… A wanton woman… Her… Rain… Rain is in the background
She opened herself up to me.
She was warm…. She was willing… She was home.
Home… Funny I thought that word.
What is home?
I stare down at the woman beneath me.
My chest heaves.
She is my home.
My once exploring fingers pause.
This wetness, these juices…. They are not just because of a man.
It is me.
I cause this.
I grip her breast, my fingers playing against the nipple. It hardens… I cannot stop.
My other hand grips her thigh, which has wrapped itself around me. Needing. Feeling.
Remembering.
I cannot hold myself back.
I am gone.
I lose myself within her heat.
I melt.
The wet walls within her drink me up. They suck… They milk.
They break me.
Me, who should be unbroken.
And I enjoy it.
She slithers against me.
She beckons me home.
I thrust harder, needing to salve the wound that seems to have opened within me.
It is open.
She is open.
She welcomes me.
The wound feels as though it oozes.
It oozes.
And oozes….
And trickles.
It hits my fingers, my face, my tongue.
I feel it gush.
She gushes.
She releases herself to this monster.
To her husband.
Husband?
Somehow. It is not so horrid a word now.
Chapter 6
We woke up in the kitchen saying,
“How the hell did this shit happen?”
Oh baby, drunk in love we be all night
Last thing I remember is our beautiful bodies grinding up in the club
Drunk in love
My mind flashes, another one of those fucking memories that plague me. That I cannot place.
There is tile. It is covered in strawberries. And whipped cream….And her…
She is beneath me.
She is sticky.
She has a strawberry still covering a nipple of her breast.
I lick around it. I suck it into my mouth, taking her breast with my lips. My tongue forces the strawberry against her sensitive nipple.
She arches.
I groan.
I think I hear myself groan now.
We had been to dinner… at that place that nosey woman Maggie owned, and topped the meal off with a few drinks.
Drinks were never her friend. She could take a sip of champagne and feel tipsy.
She had more that night, she asked for them… I let her…. She was uninhabited… She was feeling happy. She was blocking out the problems…
“We had problems?” my mind cannot help but ponder on this.
And then that thought is gone. The vision takes over.
She is taking my hand, urging me to follow her naked body.
I do… I know I always do.
We are in a bathroom. She is still tipsy. I can sense it in the memory.
But, she gets what she wants. She wanted me.
I feel water against me. I can almost feel everything. Her body… Her hands… Her mouth…
Her mouth… is encasing me, as I am half covered by tepid water. Her hands, her fingers, grazing against my thighs, my chest, my….
And then she is on me. Her lips… her tongue… claim mine.
Her thighs hug mine. Her body hovering above me in the water, encasing me, wet. So wet. She is all wet.
My hands cannot grasp her, she is slippery. It is torture.
She moves above me, she clinches me within her.
I lose myself.
My fingers clench her hair.
My lips, my teeth, my tongue, they lavish her neck… Her breasts…
We finish.
And I can in my mind see the glistening of love in my eyes. Of adoration… Of continued lust.
I carry her, still dripping wet to our bed.
And we continue to be drunk in love.
Chapter 7
And I hate you for your lies and your covers
And I hate us for making good love to each other
And I love making you jealous but don’t judge me
And I know that I’m being hateful but that ain’t nothing
That ain’t nothingI’m just jealous
I’m just human
Don’t judge me
I knew what I was doing that night.
I was seducing.
I was letting go of the norm.
I was reminding him why he wanted ME.
I was drunk. I am never drunk.
But I was. Because of the image in my head… Of him… With her.
I ordered a stinger. A couple of them, and brandy.
I lost the urge to fight. I had wanted to fight. I wanted to rip him apart as much as I was being ripped apart.
But, I love him. I want him. I need him.
I placed the order for the strawberries and whipped cream at the penthouse. Fresh.
Nothing else would do.
I began losing clothes as soon as we entered the penthouse.
I teased him with the whipped cream. It trailed against the skin I uncovered.
It made me sticky.
I wanted him to clean me.
We ended up in the kitchen… We have a kitchen?
It was the desire for champagne.
I backed him up against the cabinets.
I unzipped his pants, to hell with his shirt.
I felt my knees meet the cold tile.
I took him, I enclosed him within my mouth.
My saliva, my tongue… my need.
I bathed him in it.
I discarded his shirt at some point.
I mounted the counter, whipped cream still on the spots I had used to entice him.
He licked me clean.
He gripped my legs. My thighs.
I felt the cold of the tile against my naked back.
I felt the heat of him against me… Within me…
I was wanton…
I am when he is near…
Always…
I clung to him as we came to our climax.
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was him… I felt bold….
I guided him upstairs.
To the bathtub…
I rode him as though I was learning to surf on our honeymoon. Water spilling out of the tub, him beneath me, only mine.
Chapter 8
I woke up today
to find myself in the other place
with a trail of footprints
from where I ran away
I shake my head.
I feel confused.
I feel… her.
I gravitate to her.
She is me.
She knows me.
I hate me.
I pull back.
I don’t want to pull back.
I am no longer that man.
I despise that man.
He is not free. He is not…
And still I see the visions…visions…
I feel them.
I touch Ava, my fingers recoil. My body recoils.
I feel sick.
I don’t know why…
I do know why…
I see the memory in my head again.
I see pineapple, I see strawberries.
I feel her graze ice chips against my mouth.
Where the fuck are we?
I see flowers around her neck…
A lei?
That word in my mind, sends it into turmoil.
Not a lay.
Never was she that.
No.
I am confused.
I am lost.
I need her.
I gaze down at myself again.
I gaze at Ava.
I curse.
I do not want this.
I do not need this.
I end this.
I go search for my wife.
Wife…
Amazing, that is now not just a term I see as a possession…
Possession…
The devil…
Chapter 9
Do you know what this is
No, I don’t
But whatever it is
It’s very powerful
Have you felt this way before
Oh, I thought I knew
Do you know that I love you now
Oh yes, I do
Love is…
You’ve got the softest lips.
The time came.
I left.
I gave up.
He gave up.
He had Ava. He had whomever he chose to have.
It hurt.
I love him.
I have always loved him.
But it hurts. It hurts to love him.
He is not him.
I filed the papers.
I went to the lawyer.
I felt hollow.
I went to him. I wanted to know why he had not signed.
I was drawn into a kiss…. A kiss…
I almost lost myself in that kiss.
I almost forgot about letting him go.
But I did.
I handed him the papers again.
And I waited.
I waited for him to remember he wanted me.
I waited for him to regret it.
I waited…
I felt hopeless.
I cried.
I sobbed.
I tore his clothes to shreds. Almost all of them… I finger the shirt that clings to me, the one that I never had cleaned.
I hid the pictures, all of them, framed or not.
I forgot the feeling of him.
His fingers…
His lips…
His hair against my fingers… His hair against my…
I touch the spot on my neck where he would always rest his mouth.
I touch the pillow on the bed in the townhouse, where he lay before I thought him dead.
And I weep.
I let go, as best I can.
One tear slid across her lips
To the corner of her mouth
Love is…
And dropped to the floor
Chapter 10
She awakens things
That he said he thought were dead
He says, are you happy now
Oh yes, I am
But when it’s over
How then will you feel
Will you miss those arms that used to go
Around you
She said she was happy with this.
She pushed those papers into my hands.
I used to think that would be a blessing.
It’s not.
I grab her.
I kiss her.
I try to consume her.
She consumes me…
I cannot voice it, but she does
.
She pushes me away.
I feel it… In a place I did not know I would.
My heart,
I have one?
I must.
It brings me to my knees.
Am I weak?
I forget I asked myself that.
I cringe.
I know what she has seen.
How I have behaved.
I am a fucking bastard.
I see flashes of her lips. Covered by whipped cream…
Covered with strawberries….
Covered with me…
What have I done?????
I feel her… I need her…
I am lost.
I will not sign,
Chapter 11
Late last night
I told you
I cannot do this,
I cannot hold you
I’m about to be gone
There is no choice now
It cannot be done
‘Cause you’re not the one
(You’re not the one)
How did I end up here?
I do NOT do this.
I strung him along.
What the fuck has happened to me?
And he knows.
He knows he is just a body.
I hate this.
I feel used…
I felt used by him.
I feel used by him.
He has no feelings.
I have them.
They are not for the man I found myself upon this morning.
I do not drink.
I cannot handle it.
Obviously…
I head to the shower.
I need his smell off of me.
What the hell was I thinking?
I wasn’t.
I have not been in this place… Weak… Vulnerable… Horny… Not without him.
I was always weak, vulnerable, and horny only for him… The old him…
I finger the rings on my finger.
I cannot take them off.
Words cannot end it.
I did not end it.
I changed my name. On paper…
I let him go…
I close the door behind the stranger.
I hang my head, and feel the tears fall that I have fallen this far because of him…
I hate him.
I hurl a framed photo of us at the fireplace.
And then I feel him.
He is here.
I forgot to get his key…
Chapter 12
Wake up with a stranger
It’s not something you plan
One night in a world of pain
And you finally understand
I ran to the door.
I blocked it.
I had no interest in feeling like I have for the past few months again.
He was not happy.
He was livid.
But… he did not break the door.
He did not force himself in.
Why?
He made it obvious.
He was done.
I am torn.
I kick the unknown man in my bed, I ushed her him towards the door.
What the hell am I going to do if he is still there??
I take that chance.
He exits…
Nothing…
What did I expect?
He wanted out.
He felt trapped.
He had no desire to hear what I had to say…
He only wanted my body.
He was not my John….
I remember, in shadowed visions the past night.
I do not know his name.
I never asked.
I only called him John.
He filled in the dreams. The visions… The memories….
He gave them warmth.
Now I feel cold again.
I hate this.
I just found him. I just lost him…
I am doing it all over again.
I close the door.
I slump against it.
I hear an anguished cry from the other side.
I know that cry,
I know that voice.
I open the door, and I run.
Chapter 13
No one understands this love
No one ever will
Till his dying day not even he himself can change this
She loves him still
He feels the dread in his chest.
His head pulses, torturing him.
She moved on…
I did not…
I, I have returned to the last thing I ‘truly remember…
Car keys… there were car keys involved…
Fuck! It is all still so fuzzy…
All I know is I love her.
I need her…
I want her…
Body… Soul… Mind… Heart…
I wipe the tears…
I rise…
I attempt to leave…
I feel a weight against me. Arms around me…
Her…
Claiming me again…
She always will.
She is mine. I am hers.
Always…
The Jarlena Journal 