The Christmas we didn’t get …
In the darkness before sunrise, she sits, a steaming mug of coffee in hand, watching the early morning traffic below her. Although only five in the morning, she imagines people are beginning their morning commute early, desperate to get home to their families for the holidays. She can picture children running down the stairs, clad in pajamas, eager to open the presents that Santa Claus has brought them this year, families gathered around the breakfast table before church talking and laughing.
But for the beautiful blonde with startling hazel eyes, the thoughts of stranger’s lives stop and she begins to think of her own, of all the mistakes made, of all the lies told. Despite being happy that she is home, something inside of her still isn’t content.
The cool winds of winter sweep past her with ease, dancing towards the sky in hopes to be there when the sun rises. She leans back against the chair she has dragged out onto her bedroom balcony and closes her eyes, allowing the air to wash over her and swallow her whole. Thoughts invade her mind, mostly those of her husband. Of his beautiful cobalt eyes, of the smile that never fails her, of the doubt she had while being away for so long. She had lost faith and while he didn’t blame her when coming home, she still feels the guilt rising within her every time she sees him.
With eyes still closed, she suddenly feels his touch on her shoulders, startling her from any memories capturing her mind. His hands knead the knots in her back and she lets out a breath, a cloud of air forming around her lips.
“Come back to bed. The kids won’t be here for another couple of hours, you must be exhausted.” His voice tickles her neck and she shivers underneath the satin sheet she has brought outside with her.
John moves around to sit beside his wife and he reaches for her hair, twirling a strand in his hand. He has noticed how uncomfortable she has been since returning home days before and feels a pang of guilt slice through him like a knife.
“Marlena, I know you’re angry with me–“
She holds up her hand and he stops speaking, allowing her interruption. “I’m not. I’m angry at myself. For believing that you were betraying me when I know you never would. I’m angry at all the months I lost with you, with the children. But I promise you.” She cups his cheek, hazel burning into midnight blue. “I’m not angry. Especially at you.”
He grins, teeth bared in the moonlight. “Good.” He moves closer to her and she curls up in his arms, seeking comfort in a place that has always been home. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Marlena replies distracted. “It’s just strange to be back here after all this time. But enough about that, tell me what’s going on for Christmas.”
John breaths deeply, wishing she would talk about her experience. He hates seeing her like this but obliges her wishes to change the subject. “Belle and Brady should be here at around nine for breakfast. Sami told Belle she’d try to stop by, but she’s not sure she’ll be able to make it.” He pauses for a moment and looks down at the ground. “She’s still angry with me.”
“It’s Christmas,” Marlena says quietly, “miracles have been known to happen.” She pauses for a moment, inhaling the smell of his clothing; a smell only distinguished by the smell of his skin. “Like the time you brought Belle home to me on Christmas Eve.” She closes her eyes, remembering. She can hear Billie singing, Oh Holy Night ringing in her ears, she can picture John walking into the church with Kristen beside him and Belle in his arms, she can feel her heart skip a beat at the sight of her daughter. She opens her eyes, only this time tears glisten beneath amber. “You’re amazing.”
John smiles, kissing Marlena’s cheek. “Just doing my job.” She yawns, her hand delicately touching her mouth to stifle it. “Hey, maybe we should get you back into bed. “
Mischief dances on her lips. “What did you have in mind?”
“Sleep,” he muses.
“You’re no fun.” She pouts. She yawns again, stretching her legs out on the chair. “I guess you’re right though.” She stands up and holds her hand out for John. He takes it and she pulls him up, never releasing his hand once he is standing. They walk into their bedroom together and Marlena slips into bed, the covers caressing her body. “I never wished you a merry Christmas.”
John crawls into bed beside her, kissing her lips with ease. “Merry Christmas, baby.”
She closes her eyes and he watches, taking notice of all the things he has missed. The way her breathing slows as she falls deeper into slumber, the quick flutter of her eyelashes as dreams come to her, the way her lips part, soft breath sliding through her lips.
“Christmas miracles do come true,” he whispers to her as she sleeps, running nimble fingers through blonde hair, “you came back to me.”
Laughter comes into her dreams, soft and comforting, like an aura of light surrounding her soul. She can see John out in the snow playing with the children when they were younger. Brady pulls Belle on a sled and he urges Brady on, running with them as the sled goes downhill in the slopes of Salem Park. But when she permits her eyes to open, she realizes the laughter wasn’t part of her dream, but her reality. She can hear the kids downstairs, talking and laughing, and she smiles.
Marlena steps out of bed, wrapping a long pink satin robe around her to keep warm. She walks out of the room and listens for a moment in the upstairs hallway, closing her eyes at the sound of her daughter’s sweet voice, a voice she has missed more than she ever could have imagined.
“So we’re in the middle of shopping when Brady decides he wants to get my present right in front of me. He takes me into Ballistix, into the jewelry store and is like ‘No, no, none of this is good enough for you.’ Meanwhile, we stopped in front of a necklace I couldn’t stop drooling over but no that wasn’t good enough for Brady. So he drags me into the toy store and goes up to the counter like he owns the place. The cashier hands him a box and he hands it to me. I of course think he’s crazy but when I open it, I was just speechless.”
“And for Belle, we all know how amazing that is,” Brady teases.
Belle smacks him on the arm. “Shut up. Anyway, guess what it was?”
“Hm,” John grins, already knowing the answer, “was it your favorite doll when you were little? The pink one?”
“Yes! The one I lost at the beach club that time and then Brady had to find it for me. It was such a great present.”
Marlena chooses this moment to walk down the stairs, feet creaking on the staircase. The three of them look up and John stands, walking to guide her down the rest of the stairs. He leans into her, whispering in her ear. “I love you.”
She smiles. “I love you.”
They walk to the couch and Marlena stands for a moment, kissing both of her children. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas,” they reply in unison.
Marlena sits down next to Brady, when she notices the food set out on the living room table. Pancakes, french toast, eggs, and toast all piled next to the other, smelling of what can only be described as heaven.
“You didn’t have to wait for me to eat.”
“We didn’t,” Belle says, “Brady just got done cooking a couple of minutes ago.”
Brady hands Marlena a mimosa and she takes it gratefully. He picks up his own and raises it in the air, followed by John and Belle. “I just wanted to make a toast before we start to eat. None of us were sure we wanted to celebrate the holidays this year. Dad had failed to put up a tree and Belle and I figured we’d spend the day at the movies because we didn’t want to think about what Christmas represented. You hear all the time about Christmas miracles but I guess this year it was a little hard to believe. That is until you came home. From now on, every Christmas is going to be a celebration of your homecoming.” Brady takes Marlena’s hand in his and squeezes it. “We are so happy to have you home, Mom. We’ve all missed you a lot.”
“Here, here!” Belle replies.
Marlena smiles through tears, cupping Brady’s chin in her hand. “That was beautiful. Thank you.”
He wraps his arms around her neck in a hug. “I love you.”
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
Wrapping paper lies on the floor along with boxes surrounding them, empty plates of food gathering on the table, and with a fire roaring, the four of them sit enjoying the company of each other. Brady and John have switched seats and he now sits next to his wife, holding her tightly against his side. Belle and Brady sit on the floor beside each other, a trivial pursuit board set up next to them. It’s obvious that they’re on the same team, conversing over an answer as John shows Marlena the card which is firmly placed in the palm of his hand. She rolls her eyes and lays her head on his shoulder.
“October 26, 1996,” Brady responds with hopeful eyes.
John nods, but doesn’t seem pleased. “You know, I thought you were a huge Yankees fan, Son. It took you a long time to answer the question.”
“Oh leave him alone,” Marlena replies, “you’re a little too fond of the Yankees. I mean what’s so special about them anyway? It’s just baseball.”
“Um, you realize Dad might divorce you now right?” Belle asks, with a hint of seriousness in her voice.
Marlena laughs. “I know.” She picks up the die and rolls them across the board. Moving her piece to a pink spot, she looks up at Belle.
“Okay, entertainment. Let’s see.” She scans her eyes down the card. “What spin-off of Beverly Hills 90210 resided in a residential area of Los Angeles, complete with a pool and a courtyard, used mainly for cat fights and betrayal.”
John stares at Belle who has a smile plastered onto her lips. “You know this don’t you?”
“Of course, I do. Mom should too. She used to watch it with me.”
John turns to Marlena, hope etched into the lines of his face. She shrugs her shoulders. “I have no idea.” The doorbell rings and Marlena jumps up. “Saved by the bell!”
John looks at Belle. “Saved by the bell?”
Belle laughs, shaking her head. “Not quite, Dad.”
Marlena opens the door, laughing at the conversation between father and daughter, when she sees her own daughter standing behind the door, presents in hand. Marlena hasn’t seen Samantha much since returning home days earlier. She feels as if Sami blames her for being gone so long, like much of her childhood. But regret lies no where on Sami’s face when she pulls her mother into a hug, gaining comfort from the arms of the woman who gave birth to her.
“Merry Christmas, Mom. I’m so happy to see you.”
Marlena backs away from Sami, holding her at arms length. “Merry Christmas, honey. Where are Lucas and Will?”
“They’re at Alice’s house. He promised to stop by later.” Sami takes in the picture of her mother, always amazed by how gorgeous she looks. “You look wonderful.”
“So do you. Come sit down, John is just putting coffee on.”
Sami watches as her stepfather slips quietly into the kitchen and Sami places her hand on her mother’s shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”
Sami trails into the kitchen a few paces behind John, allowing the swinging door to close behind her. She looks at John for a moment, embarrassment crawling up on her cheeks.
“John?” She says, quietly.
John spins around, surprised to see Sami behind him. He’s preparing for a lashing, for some harsh words that she has been planning to say to him. That somehow he had held Marlena and Roman hostage, that he didn’t love her mother enough. John turns back to the counter, pulling out a coffee filter.
“It’s Christmas, Samantha. Now is not the time.”
“I actually came in here to apologize.” John turns around, unable to hide the shock on his face.
Sami smiles at his reaction. She knows she is long overdue for this. “I was angry. At you, at my mother, at my father and in all honesty, you were the one here who I could take it out on. John, I know I said a lot of mean things to you. I know I accused you of trying to hurt my mother and for that I am sorry. I guess I want you to know that you were an amazing father to me growing up. You were always there for me when I needed you–“
“I still am, Samantha.”
“I know that.” She looks down, sweeping her foot across the kitchen floor. “I was just upset and I was out of line. You are a wonderful father, John.”
Tears begin to pool in her eyes and he wraps her in his arms, holding onto her tightly, like he has done many times before. He can feel his own eyes begin to water with relief, of the miracle this forgiveness really is. John wipes his eyes and escapes from the hug, grabbing the canister of coffee on the counter.
“I’m sure everyone is wondering where we are with the coffee.”
“Go,” Sami urges, “I’ll make it.”
He leans down and kisses her cheek, ruffling a few of her hairs. “Thanks.”
On the other side of the door stands Marlena, a smile glistening on her lips. “Is everything okay?”
“Were you eavesdropping?”
“Of course not.” She waves him off. “I was going to see what was taking so long when I heard you talking to Sami. What happened?”
It takes him a second or two to answer. “A Christmas miracle.”
“Belle, I wasn’t sure exactly what you wanted,” Sami says, handing her younger sister a gloriously wrapped present, “but I figure I couldn’t go wrong with this.”
Belle rips open the paper and pulls out a couple of DVD’s. She begins to laugh, no one understanding except for Sami, in on the joke. Belle holds up two covers: Beaches and Stepmom. Brady stares at them, eyebrow raised in question, a trait frequented mostly by his father.
“Depressing chick flicks. Why is that funny?”
“About two years ago, Sami and I were both depressed over men. At around eleven at night we decided to get together, rent movies, and eat a whole lot of junk food. Well Sami decided to pick up two of the most depressing movies on the face of the earth.” She motions towards the DVD’s. “We watched both of them and instead of feeling better, both of us were so depressed and so upset that we couldn’t stop crying. We realized how ridiculous we were being and we just started to crack up. From then on, instead of being depressed at these movies, they somehow just made us laugh. The end.” She leans over and kisses Sami on the cheek. “Thanks.”
“Anytime. This is for the both of you.” She hands an envelope to Marlena. “I thought you two could use this.”
John leans over his wife as she opens the present. She pulls out a certificate and grins passing it along to John. “A romantic resort and spa weekend filled with complimentary breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” John looks up, impressed. “Samantha, thank you, this is wonderful.”
“Well, I figured you could both use a break. Together.” She looks to Brady, pulling out one more present. “I know you and I have never been all that close, but we’re still family and I’d like to change the distance between us. Merry Christmas, Brady.”
Like his father earlier, Brady is surprised by the gesture of his step sister. He takes the present from her hand and rips open the wrapping paper to reveal yet another DVD. Although filled with different meaning than Belle’s, it fills his heart with forgiveness of all Sami has done wrong in the past. Inside wrapped in tissue paper is a DVD of Chloe’s last performance in Milan. He had failed to buy it before tonight, not wanting her memories on the surface, and while he still feels that way, he knows how much the gesture means. It’s more than a DVD, it’s a peace offering.
“I don’t know what to say …”
“I wasn’t sure if you had it but I hear it’s pretty rare, I actually found it on EBay.”
Brady leans over and hugs Samantha. “I appreciate this. More than you know.”
The room is silent for a moment, memories, thoughts, and prayers lingering in the warmth of the living room. Each lost in the meaning of the day, of the miracles bestowed upon them. Marlena’s homecoming, Sami’s forgiveness, their family in general. It is Belle who breaks the silence by speaking first, a girl who could never let the air go quiet for more than a moment.
“Let’s play more Trivial. I was totally kicking Mom and Dad’s butts.”
John leans over and whispers something in Marlena’s ear. She nods and stands, pulling John up with her other hand. “We’ll be right back. You can continue to kill us when we get back.”
Marlena leads John out onto the balcony, hands intertwined like branches bound together for all of time. She shivers upon stepping outside but John wraps his arms around her waist, kissing the base of her neck. “I have something for you.”
“You already gave me my presents this morning.”
“This is something else.” He spins her around and pulls a black ring box out of his breast pocket. He dangles it in front of her face like bait and she reaches for it, curiosity obvious in the look she is giving her husband.
“You shouldn’t have, you know.”
“I wanted too.”
She opens the box with gentle fingers and gasps when seeing what lies inside. She pulls out a ring, three diamonds glistening in the afternoon light.
“For our past, present, and future,” he says, delicately, slipping the ring onto her finger.
“Honey, it’s beautiful.” She leans against the railing, his arms wrapping tightly around her waist. She thinks back on all today has brought and all the new year will soon bless them with. “I guess you got your Christmas miracle, huh?”
“Yeah. I guess I did. How about you?”
She turns around, her arms entangling his neck. “I got mine the day I came home to you. Thank you for making this day so wonderful, John.”
Marlena pulls herself closer to him and kisses him, lips warming the other in the cold winter afternoon. Their tongues meet, dancing as effortlessly as the two of them together, and as the kiss deepens, beautiful white snow begins to fall, light and moist against their bodies. They break, staring up into the sky and Marlena bursts out into a smile, tilting her head so the small flakes drop easily onto her skin. She spins herself out of John’s arms and twirls around in circles cherishing the droplets of heaven.
The door to the balcony bursts open and Belle, Brady, and Sami stand there, amazed at the sight before them.
“It hasn’t snowed on Christmas in years,” Belle whispers, as she leans her body into Brady’s. “It’s so gorgeous.”
They watch as powdered flakes cover the earth bringing a clean surface along with it. Apologies have been given, forgiveness has been granted, and today starts a new chapter; free of anger, of loss, of hopelessness.
John takes Marlena’s hand and rubs his finger over the new diamond on her ring. In the wind he whispers, not knowing if she can hear him and not caring either way. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted. You’re a miracle. Today and always.”
In the approaching dusk, Marlena smiles and without a word, she squeezes his hand. For the first time since coming home, she feels at ease. For the first time in twenty years, she believes in Christmas miracles.
The Jarlena Journal 