Can You Hear Me When I Talk To You
Ashley Gearing
Time passes by so quickly,
But I guess I thought you’d be here forever …
The sand is warm between my toes, yet I cannot feel it. The sun beats down on me as I stroll along, but nothing registers in my mind, nothing of course, but you. I sometimes wonder how I made it the last three years without your smile, your laughter, your touch, and I’ve come to realize that breathing and being alive are two very different things. I haven’t been alive since that moment in the jail when I lost you. I haven’t lived since the moment you died.
I never even had the chance,
To say goodbye.
There’s so many things to tell you,
Left unsaid until now …
I sit, allowing the sand to run through my fingers, the crystal clear waters massaging my feet, the whole world before me; beautiful, unending, from these parts, uncomplicated. But I’m a realist, I have been since that fateful night so long ago. I realize that not every fairy tale has a happy ending, that not all marriages can survive. I realize now that going to bed angry was never worth it, that years of fighting and unanswered questions were a waste of time. I realize now that I never gave you a proper good-bye and I never said so many things I just assumed you knew. I loved you, Marlena. I loved you every moment of every day since the second I laid eyes on you. I loved the way you’d look at me from across the room when you didn’t know I was watching you from the corner of my eye. I loved the way you’d send me an email from work just to tell me you loved me. I loved your hair across my chest, so silky, so smooth, so perfect. I loved everything about you and for all those moments I forgot to tell you, please know now. Please know that the moment I met you everything unknown to me didn’t matter because you made me complete. And please know that the moment you died, the world became unfamiliar again.
Can you hear me when I talk to you?
Do the words I say ever make it through?
Can you hear me when I talk to you?
‘Cause I’d give anything if I just knew …
I lay my head in my hands, heartache filling my chest. Through the corner of my eye, I glance up at the sky, endless and abiding and I wonder if you can hear me. If you know I come here at least three times a week, hoping that somehow the ocean will connect with the sky and I’ll see your face just one more time. I tend to believe you’re not listening, because maybe it makes it easier. Maybe I’ve asked for a sign so many times without ever receiving one, that I hope you’re somewhere in the clouds with your headphones on listening to some music I just couldn’t stand. You’re laughing because now it’s your freedom to listen to whomever you want. You laugh and I can hear you through the wind and the crashing waves and it’s so innocent and so sweet that I almost have to smile despite the pain. Are you happy now, Marlena? Are you finally free from whatever tormented you down on earth?
Ev’ry night, I have the same dream.
The one where you get to hold me.
We laugh an’ talk until the morning,
An’ then you vanish, yeah.
It always leaves me feeling helpless,
When I wake up an’ you’re not there …
I haven’t been sleeping much lately. But when I do, one thing remains and that is the memory of you. You’re always there, beside me, holding me, tighter than you ever have before. You’ll stir in your sleep as I watch you, eyes fluttering three times until you finally open them, hazel burning through my eyes. You smile at me and take my hand, closing your eyes once again. But you’re awake because your breathing hasn’t slowed yet. And then you open your mouth, your perfect lips curving into a smile and you ask me a question. A different question every night. Last night you asked me to name everything I loved about our children. My answer was simplistic, but I had never seen you smile as much as you did in that moment. They were you. You opened your eyes and got on top of me, kissing me so passionately that when I woke up I could have sworn I still felt the remains of your saliva on my tongue. But when I rolled over, you were gone. And I become helpless once again.
Living in this world without you,
I constantly search through my mem’ries.
Hoping that I find some treasures,
That I passed over, yeah.
All that I took for granted,
Means so much now, an’ I won’t let it go …
I miss you, Marlena. I miss everything. I miss the stupid memories that I never would have thought twice about before. Do you remember when Belle and Brady were little and we played football in the yard of the DiMera mansion? I remember pulling you back, trying to wrestle the football out of your arms, but all I could think about was the smell of your hair. It smelled like a mix of strawberries and honeysuckle, a strange combination, yet perfect for you. It was your passion along with one of the sweetest smells on earth. I never wanted to let you go. I never wanted to leave you, even if we weren’t together. But I know now, we always were. You were always mine and I was always yours, no matter who was in our lives.
You know, I never said some things that I meant to.
Can you hear me when I talk to you?
‘Cause I’d give anything if I just knew …
I shift my position on the beach, knowing it’s about time I leave. It’s almost six, the time when our family forces me to come alive. Conversation endures and I pretend to care and I do. But not as much as I probably should. Not as much as I once did. I lean back, squinting at the powerful sun lowering itself to its resting place for the night. And I talk, knowing it’s time to say good-bye, the hardest moment of all my days. Saying good-bye still doesn’t seem fitting, even after all this time. So I’m going to tell you goodnight, like I always do, hoping somewhere in the distance you can hear me. You can hear me tell you I love you and miss you and that every memory is the air I breathe. Every picture makes my heart skip another beat. Goodnight baby. I love you.
I close my eyes, wishing you would hear me, but knowing that most of my ramblings are just that. I stand up and walk towards home when I hear something in the distance, something familiar, something comforting. I close my eyes once again and I picture you on that night, holding onto me, not understanding how someone could pay so much money for one dance. And then I think of you on our wedding day, how beautiful you looked, how every moment was more perfect than I ever would have imagined. Unchained Melody flows through the rippling sand and the calming waves and I finally understand. You’ve been here all along. You’ve been in every song, in every whisper of wind, in every smile of one of our children. I glance up for a moment and I close my eyes, picturing you and I suddenly know when the time is right you’ll come back to me. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you will. Because you and I, Marlena, are forever.
The Jarlena Journal 