Blurred Lines – by Ms. Goldie

Chapter 1 – Hazel Eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Blue as the wings of a heron in the night

Like the rising tides on the shores of Isle Skye

They gleam evergreen, winds ‘a whistling in the pines

Like a castle-crawling vine, like the grassy Glen of Lyon

And rich as the mud after rain upon the ground

They’re a whiskey hue of brown, braided river running wild

I fell astray, but in you, I have found

That I am ever bound to your hazel eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dr. Marlena Evans Office, Salem University Hospital

Friday, April 20, 1992

“Hello, John,” Marlena said softly as she opened the door to her office. “I was worried about you. You missed your last two appointments.” She scanned over him in concern, her eyes taking in how tired he seemed. His shoulders sagged, and his hair looked as if he’d run his fingers through it repeatedly, an obvious sign that he was not doing well.

John tried to smile at her, but it came off more as a smirk. His hands trembled as he fumbled with the buttons on his wool peacoat. It was still unseasonably cool, the air blowing off of the Salem River bringing moisture and cold. “I’ve been out of town,” he replied in a rough voice. “I just got back in this morning… an hour or so ago I guess.”

Marlena was confused as to why he would come straight to her office, not that she wasn’t glad to see him. “Have you seen Isabella yet?”

The soft cushions of Marlena’s beige couch surrounded him as he sank into it with a sigh, “Not yet, Doc. I–I don’t think I can face her just yet. I did… something I’m not proud of to get the information I needed from Danielle, and I’m–I’m not sure how to tell her. She’s going to be hurt.”

Marlena approached him slowly, sitting in the chair near where he sat at the end of the sofa. Leaning forward she balanced her elbows on her knees, and laced her fingers together watching the guilt and shame play over his face. John’s eyes filled with tears when he finally lifted them to look at her.

She reached out, placing her palm softly on his knee, “You’re here because you need someone to talk to. Whatever you tell me… it won’t leave this room. You know that.”

Seconds passed between their eyes, with John momentarily distracted by the depth of her eyes. “I think that’s why I came here first… but there’s so much, and I don’t know where to start…”

Marlena squeezed his leg gently, “Isabella said you’d followed Danielle to Stockholm to learn more about your past,” Marlena said, hoping it might give him a place to start.

“It always goes back to Stockholm, doesn’t it, Doc?” The heat of Marlena’s hand on his knee was reassurance and safety that he didn’t feel he deserved. His fists pulled at his hair in frustration, and he stood up quickly, feeling like shit on the bottom of someone’s shoe. He couldn’t even look Marlena in the eyes, how was he ever going to tell Isabella what he’d done?”

Softly he said, “I was so focused on the plan… to find out how I was connected to Danielle, to find out who I was… I don’t know, Doc. Maybe, I got so lost in it all, the feelings and the emotions of it all that I lost track.”

Marlena stood up, slowly approaching John. Whatever had happened in Stockholm had him unsettled. Sliding her palm up his back, she whispered, “Please talk to me. I… care about you, you know. We’re still friends, and it hurts me to see you in so much pain.”

John turned, watching her hand slide over his bicep, and come to land on his chest. He stared down into her eyes flashing amber and flecks of green. Beautiful hazel eyes that held nothing but love for him. Without preamble, he said, “I slept with Danielle.”

“John,” she whispered in surprise.

He stepped back, and walked towards the window, staring out over the roof of the parking garage. “It started as a way to get information. She was lying to me, and I knew it. It was a few kisses at first, but I was… drawn to her and I didn’t understand it. I would have dreams that were so real, and the emotion… the love I felt. I didn’t understand it.” He sighed heavily, “It was the way her voice sounded, the way she smelled, and she kept saying we were married.” Turning to face Marlena, he finished helplessly, “It was so confusing. I didn’t remember her, and yet I did.”

His pain was palpable. She stepped closer, “Sometimes with amnesia, there are unconscious memories buried deep in the mind. Those memories are triggered by touch… sometimes by scent. John you knew her… possibly you loved her. It’s natural to be confused, and even drawn to her without fully understanding why.”

John went back to staring out the window, watching the air above the tar covered roof blur with the heat. “I needed information. I was desperate for it, and Danielle had it. Maybe she manipulated me. I mean it’s possible. I thought I could seduce her… get her to talk by getting close to her.”

Marlena leaned back on her palms, sitting on the edge of her desk, “But she seduced you?”

“No,” his voice tear choked, as he struggled to speak. “Yes? I don’t know!”

She watched his head drop, and saw the defeated slope of his shoulders, deciding to ask the bigger question, the question he’d gone to Stockholm to have answered. “Are you–are you Romulus?”

“No,” he sighed. “No, Danielle was… is Romulus. Although with the flashes of memory that I’ve had, I’m fairly certain I’ve worked with her a few times.”

Marlena felt scared, “Stealing jewelry?”

“Yes, possibly art. I’m not for certain,” he replied, not adding anything further.

Marlena could barely handle the thought of him with Isabella. She was struggling with the image of John making love to Danielle, “How do you… how did you allow it to go so far, John? If you made love to Danielle, how did you–”

“–lose control?” he asked her. “Fuck! I don’t know. It was supposed to be interrupted by my police contact, but he didn’t arrive, and we– I got lost in the scent of her perfume, the feel of her skin… the taste of her.” John’s voice trailed off, and the tears that had been slowly building in his eyes spilled over the rim of his eyelids.

It was difficult to keep her mind in the role of the therapist, but she knew she had to. John was obviously struggling with what he’d done. Her job was to help him through that. She could consider her own jealousy later, when she was alone. “Did you remember her? Did you get any images? Sometimes, intense emotional experiences–”

“–intense emotional experiences?” John almost laughed with self loathing. “Don’t make this out to be something outside of my control, Doc. I knew what I was doing… and Isabella… fuck! Doc, I didn’t even think of her until it was all over. She didn’t even cross my mind! What kind of person does that make me?”

“Human,” Marlena told him, standing up. She didn’t blame John for what he’d done. She didn’t judge him for it. She might have if she was still his wife, but she wasn’t his wife anymore. She was his therapist, and from a professional perspective, she knew he was struggling. He shouldn’t have gone to Stockholm with Danielle. She’d expressed that concern before he left, but John had assured her that he had everything in control. There were too many unknown variables for her to be comfortable. Trying to reassure him, she said softly, “You are an empathetic, deeply feeling man, John. You wouldn’t make love to a woman, even Danielle, unless you cared for her. You wouldn’t intentionally hurt Isabella.”

“But I did, Doc! I fucking did, and this could… this could destroy her. She’s already so insecure about–”

Marlena knew what he’d been about to say, “Me… she’s insecure about me. Me personally, or me as your therapist?”

“Both. Do I tell her what happened with Danielle, or do I keep the secret? If I tell her, is it simply to unburden my own soul? What is the benefit?” Pulling at his hair in frustration, he turned to face her finally realizing how close she was. Those hazel eyes saw everything.

“What happened to Danielle?” she asked him softly.

“The police came after her once they had the evidence they needed, but I–I let her escape,” he told her, resisting the urge to look away. He felt a combination of shame and sadness remembering Danielle’s last glance before she slipped out the window to get away. Facing Marlena was what he needed to do. Facing Isabella was something he wasn’t sure he could do.

“You care for Danielle?” she asked, although she already knew the answer. John may not be in love with Danielle, but he did have feelings for her.

“Fuck!” he yelled, slamming his fist into the wall near the window. “What do I do, Doc? Isabella’s blood pressure has been fluctuating. Marcus is about to put her on partial bedrest… I messed up. I–I fucked up so bad.”

Marlena took the hand he’d punched the wall with in hers, inspecting the skin on his knuckles,  “I can’t tell you what to do as a professional…” 

“But as a friend?” he asked her.

“As a friend, I think you have to consider Isabella’s health, and the health of your child,” she said quietly. “And John? I am your friend. I will always be your friend.”

He reached for her, his fingers digging into her shoulders, and he pulled her roughly against him, holding her tightly. He drew in a deep shaky breath, memorizing the scent of her perfume, as he said, “I don’t know what I would do without you, Doc.”

She pulled back slightly, staring up at him. Reaching up, she gently touched his face, “You’ll never have to find out.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Deep as the sea where the ocean meets the shore

Where I met them once before, on the emerald Cliffs of Moher

Bright as the Light setting fire to the north

Rising high beyond the morn, laying shadows on the floor

Long is the day when the moon obscures the sun

‘Tis the darkness they become, till the dawn upon the fjord

I fell astray, but in you I am bone & blood

And I am bound by love to your hazel eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John felt that familiar tug at his heart, and he looked away. Her hazel eyes were too much for him right then. Too bright. Too full. Too filled with love. Releasing his hold on her he walked back towards the sofa. “There was something else I learned.” Allowing himself to fall to the couch in exhaustion, he told her, “I have to look into it some more to be sure, but I think… well, Danielle told me who I am… who she thinks I am.”

“She told you?” Marlena breathed in surprise, tucking her leg beneath herself as she sat next to him. Danielle had withheld information from John for months, playing a game of cat and mouse with him. Marlena was surprised she had told him anything. 

He stared at her for a moment before he said, “Forrest Alamain.”

“Alamian?” It wasn’t a common name. It also wasn’t a name that brought her warm and fuzzy feelings. “John , you don’t mean–”

“–yeah, Doc. That’s exactly what I mean.” He was quiet, thinking how grateful he was to have Marlena in his life. He could have lost her completely when Roman returned. Instead they’d managed to stay close. They’d maintained the unbreakable bond of friendship that kept him grounded. Sighing, he said, “I was able to get some information, but not a lot. Lawrence had a younger brother who died in a pool accident. Lawrence was seven, his brother was four. According to Danielle, that brother was me.”

“How did you end up with Stefano? Do you even know?”

“We… Danielle and I, well, she said we met Stefano on the Orient Express by accident one night. He was there with a woman named Gina von Amberg. I don’t remember any of it,” he said with an air of frustration. “So, I can only go on the information Danielle gave me. According to her I was gone the following morning. I’d disappeared as if I’d never been there. No clothing. No personal effects. No record of me ever having bought a ticket or been on the train at all. She never saw me again, until a chance encounter with a wedding announcement in a Greek newspaper.”

“When Victor announced your engagement to Isabella?” How had the fates decided that was the moment to step back into John’s life and disrupt it yet again? Marlena felt so much that John deserved a peaceful life. She didn’t know how that was possible with so much unknown.

“Danielle saw my photo and decided to come to Salem,” he sighed.

She scooted closer, sliding across the soft fabric of the sofa. She knew she shouldn’t. She was more than blurring professional boundaries, she was obliterating them. Resting her head on his shoulder, she whispered, “So, an Alamain, huh? How do you feel about that?”

“Honestly?” he asked her.

“Always,” she replied.

“Larry and I have never, and will never, be friends, but I felt lost when I arrived here eight years ago. Coming back from Mexico, I felt that same sense of misdirection, and added to that… the loss. The pain of losing everything made it even harder. I need closure. I think… finding out who I am, even if it turns out that I am Lawrence Alamain’s brother… well, even then, I would know something.”

Marlena lifted her face, and stared up at John, “That brings you comfort, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it does.” John thought about who he currently was, and who his child might be. Having a name, a past, a legacy, even a family would be something. Marlena laid her head back on his shoulder, and John thought about the family he’d had and lost. Maybe he was grasping at straws. It was possible that as he mourned his loss of Carrie and the twins, as he mourned his relationship with the Brady’s, and although he’d never say it aloud, Marlena… he was hoping for a family, any family. “At least it would be a connection. A start.”

Marlena chuckled softly, “But, Lawrence and Vivian?”

John laughed for the first time in days, “How do you do it, Doc? How do you manage to pull me back when I’m at my lowest point, and get me laughing?”

“You helped me out, too. Talking to you, and helping you with your life, actually helped me as well.” She didn’t elaborate, but John knew there was more that she wasn’t saying. After a few moments of silence, she said, “I’m fine, although I have missed our conversations.”

“What aren’t you saying, Doc?” He knew their time together was almost at an end. “You know, this friendship thing works both ways.”

“It does. I know that, but you have a lot to deal with right now, and my problems pale in comparison. Really John, I’m fine,” she said, sitting up slowly. She needed distance. These conversations were much easier on her emotionally when they focused on John. Marlena sat forward, and then stood up, planning to go to her desk for her date book.

John reached out, catching her hand in his before she could walk away. Marlena looked down at their twined fingers and mentally shook herself to stave off a physical reaction. With a short laugh, she said, “I’m fine.”

“Would you tell me if you weren’t?” he asked her, standing up, and finding himself caught up in her hazel eyes yet again.

Marlena tried to smile, and turn away from him, but he wouldn’t release her hand. With a sigh, she finally told him, “The adjustment has been difficult. Some days are easy, and some days are harder, but we’re fine. We’re working it out, but nothing is ever perfect from the start.”

“Is Roman still arguing with Carrie?” John asked her.

“She wants to move out, take a gap year, and work. Roman insists that she enroll in Salem University full time. The two of them are so similar in how stubborn they are, neither will back down, and Roman…” Marlena tried to look away, but John tipped her chin up with his finger, forcing her to look at him. With a sigh, she said, “Roman hasn’t learned how to communicate with her just yet.”

“So you argued?” He stared at her, and knew that was the way of it. “You and Roman argued?”

Silence reigned, until she glanced at the clock, “We’re about out of time, John. Would you like the same time–”

“–answer the question, Doc. Did you and Roman argue about Carrie?”

It was more than Carrie. The disagreement had started when Marlena had told Roman that if Carrie wanted a gap year they could support her decision, or perhaps talk her into attending part-time. Roman had gotten angry, arguing that Carrie was spoiled, and that John had raised her without boundaries or rules.

Marlena’s continued silence answered John’s question for him. John rubbed his thumb over her chin, reading the sadness in her eyes. “You argued over me?”

She nodded before she could stop herself. “Roman is having a hard time with the level of communication Carrie expects. That’s all. He wants to feel like the man of the house. He wants to feel respected as a father.”

“He didn’t raise her, Doc. I did. She’s used to running that whole house all on her own. She’s used to being able to make those types of decisions and have her opinions be respected.”

“I know that, and-and so does Roman, it’s just that I think… well, Roman thought the transition would be easier,” she said softly.

John laughed derisively, “Easier? C’mon, Doc, we both know the truth, don’t look at me and lie now! Roman thought he would come home, and take over everything I’d built for the last seven years as if it was owed to him for everything Stefano did.” He released her chin, stroking his fingers along her cheek, “But you see, there’s a problem there. He didn’t take into consideration that you and the children might not instantly fall into place–”

“–John,” Marlena started to say.

“It’s fine, Doc. We don’t have to discuss it anymore,” he told her. “But, Roman will continue to struggle with Carrie until she feels respected. He needs to let her speak, and he needs to listen.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I know. I know. I know.”

“Aw, baby…” John heard the endearment slip from his lips before he could stop it. He paused for a moment watching tears slip from her eyes, before saying, “Doc, I didn’t want you to cry.” His thumbs wiped the wet trails from her cheeks. “It’s going to work out. It just takes time. That’s all. Time.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right.” She smiled up at him with a shaky tremble. It would all work out. It had to, because if it didn’t, what did she give up John for?

A small voice came over the speaker on Marlena’s phone where it sat on her desk. “Sorry to interrupt Dr. Evans, but your 11:00 appointment has arrived.”

John watched as Marlena practically glided over to her desk, leaning over to press the intercom button, “We’re finishing up Gretchen, just a couple of minutes.” Glancing over at John, Marlena pushed her hair back from where it had fallen over her eyes, “Next week? Same time?”

He leaned forward, kissing her forehead softly, and he smiled, “Next week, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I fell astray, but in you I have found

That I am ever bound to your hazel eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*Hazel Eyes – Sabrina Jordan

Chapter 2 – And So It Goes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

In every heart there is a room

A sanctuary safe and strong

To heal the wounds from lovers past

Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones

You answered me with no pretense

And still I feel I said too much

My silence is my self defense

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dr. Marlena Evans Office, Salem University Hospital

Monday, May 11, 1992

Marlena laughed as she opened the door to her office, and a frazzled John Black came in. “You’re late, Sailor.”

“Sailor?” he asked, shrugging off his rain soaked coat. Glancing towards the window as the lightning flashed, and another boom of thunder sounded, he chuckled. “Oh, I get it. You’re being a smart ass, aren’t you Dr. Evans?”

“Me?” she asked innocently. “Never. Would you like some coffee? I just made a pot.”

“Coffee would be great, Doc.” John stared at the water logged bottom half of his jeans in frustration before looking at Marlena’s couch.

“Sit down, John. The couch will survive,” she said softly, handing him a mug of steaming coffee.

The vapor rolled off the surface of the liquid, and John leaned forward taking a deep breath. “You know, I thought April showers brought May flowers. Instead,” he said nodding towards the window, “we get the deluge in May. Mother nature is truly confused.”

Marlena kicked off her shoes, and tucked her feet under her, as she sat across from him with her own cup of coffee. John’s therapy sessions were quickly turning into catch-up conversations. Outside of her office, their interactions were often filled with family, Roman, and Isabella. Things generally took an awkward turn. Inside her office, they were friends, open and laughing, able to share what they couldn’t with their respective partners. Marlena knew it was a dangerous line to tread, and because of that, she’d stopped making appointments for John, and discharged him as a patient. She wouldn’t allow herself to think about it too deeply, because when she did, she felt guilty. Roman continued to think John was seeing her for therapy, maybe Isabella did too. 

“I don’t know,” Marlena said, glancing towards the window as another flash of lightning lit the sky. The rain pelted the glass, shimmering as it slid down the pane. “I think spring showers are wonderful. The smell in the air as the rain starts to fall against dry soil. The sound of a storm when you’re tucked inside, safe and warm… it’s nice.” Marlena couldn’t help but think about an afternoon very similar to this when she was married to John. A fire in the fireplace, and John’s warm skin against hers. Her eyes blinked rapidly, and then she glanced back over at him with a soft smile. “Days like this are nice I think.”

“Yeah,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Unless your pants are freezing, and stuck to your legs.”

“Well, yes, I guess that would be uncomfortable,” she chuckled. “You can leave if you need to. You know we aren’t doing formal appointments anymore.”

“I’m fine, Doc. I’m fine.” He took a deep breath, knowing that he had to tell Marlena about his and Isabella’s abrupt wedding plans, but unsure of how to go about it. They were friends, it shouldn’t be difficult, and yet it was. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out a cream colored envelope with calligraphy across it.

Marlena knew what it was as soon as she saw it. A wedding invitation. Caroline had mentioned the wedding to her the day before, and Marlena could still feel the hurt that lanced her heart at not being told. It hadn’t come completely out of left field. She knew that John marrying Isabella would eventually happen, but she hadn’t expected it to still hurt so badly after five months. 

Immediately he saw the change in her. Softly, he told her, “I wanted you to hear it from me.”

“Caroline told me yesterday,” she replied quietly, placing her cup on the end table next to her. Reaching for the envelope, she saw pearlescent embossed flowers along the edge, and thought it was beautiful. 

“I-I want you to be there.” Was it too much to ask? Possibly. But Marlena was his best friend, he couldn’t imagine taking this step in his life without her support. 

“How does Isabella feel about my being there?” Marlena asked him. She and Isabella had butt heads several times when Marlena first returned. Even more once Roman had come home. They’d fallen into a silent truce since Mexico, but Marlena was perceptive. Isabella held onto John with a quiet arrogance that Marlena found frustrating. 

“Honestly?” he replied.

“Always,” she whispered, feeling herself sinking into his deep ocean eyes.

“She feels like having you and Roman there to witness the wedding will bring us all closure. I guess she thinks it will be a conclusion to this journey we’ve all been on.” John wasn’t sure he agreed with her line of thinking, but Isabella had a different perspective than he did… then Marlena did. 

Sliding her finger under the sealed flap to release the paper, Marlena said, “A journey, huh? I guess we could call it that. How are you feel about the wedding? Caroline said it’s on Friday.”

“I feel like it’s the next step, Doc. Isabella and I are having a baby. We’re starting a family. We should be a family.” Leaning back, he stretched his arm across the sofa, “I think… I want that feeling back. You know? The stability that comes with having a home, children, and a partner in my life.”

Marlena was quiet for a moment, before she replied, “I want that for you too. I want you to be happy and loved. I want you to have children…”

Her voice trailed off, and John watched her for a moment, “I sense a but, Doc.”

“No, not a but… I want happiness for you so badly. I just want to be sure you aren’t rushing.” She had rushed things with Roman, and she could recognize the mistakes. She wouldn’t go into it with John, but she worried that John’s desire for what he’d lost might be a factor in his rush to the altar. She also knew that he hadn’t yet told Isabella about what had happened with Danielle. Was guilt pushing him towards commitment?

John knew that Marlena had her concerns, and from a professional standpoint, they were valid. He was still mourning the life he’d led. Making major, life altering changes and decisions was probably best left for later, after he’d adjusted to losing the twins, his marriage, his house, and his job. It was probably best left until after he’d adjusted to being an Alamian, and running a multimillion dollar company. But then he would see the love in Isabella’s eyes, and he knew that getting married before the baby came was the thing she wanted most. He couldn’t give her much, but he could give her that. “I want you to be there,” he said softly, staring at her intently. “I think I need you to be there.”

Marlena reached her hand up, lacing her fingers through John’s, “I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And every time I’ve held a rose

It seems I’ve only felt the thorns

And so it goes, and so it goes

And so will you soon, I suppose

But if my silence made you leave

Then that would be my worst mistake

So I will share this room with you

And you can have my heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John stared at their hands for a few seconds, finally saying, “I ran into Carrie at Salem Place yesterday.”

“You did?” Marlena had been so busy with work and the twins, that Carrie had become almost a second thought. She felt the guilt that came with that. The allowing of her personal chaos to trump her relationship with her daughter. But it was more than that. Roman and Carrie were still in a standstill, and Carrie’s senior year was fast coming to an end. She would move out, if only because Roman was pushing her out. The girl was working at Ballistix during the majority of her freetime, intent on leaving as soon as possible. 

Marlena’s face became sad, and John asked her, “Did you know how unhappy she is?”

“I know she’s unhappy,” Marlena said, pulling her hand back, and tucking it into her lap. She shifted her feet to the floor, and slipped her shoes back on. The direction of the conversation always became uncomfortable when it turned to her and her family. Looking back at John, she asked, “What did she tell you?”

“She’s saving money to move out,” he told her. John leaned forward, setting his lukewarm coffee on the table in front of him. “But it was more than that. She doesn’t feel heard, at least not by Roman, and she feels… Doc, I’m not trying to hurt you by telling you this. I need you to understand that, but Carrie feels like you’ve chosen sides, and you are firmly in agreement with Roman.”

“That’s not…” Marlena started to protest, but then she stopped, considering her actions. Carrie was eighteen. Of course, it would seem as if Marlena supported Roman. The tension in the house was so thick, and it was affecting them all. Every one of them attempting in their own way to deal with Roman’s unbending nature. “It’s… the house is so…”

She wasn’t even sure how to explain to John what the problem was. Roman was rigid. He made demands. He wanted the people around him to be malleable, compliant, and agreeable. He didn’t do well when they weren’t. Marlena couldn’t decide if it was because of his time with Stefano, a result of his trauma, or if he’d always been that way, and she’d simply forgotten. Either way, she found herself straddling a fence between being supportive for the children, and keeping Roman happy. 

John sat forward, sitting so close he could feel the heat of her skin, and smell the subtle musk of her perfume. “What’s going on, Doc? Be honest with me. I’m so honest with you, it’s almost embarrassing. I’m your friend. That’s what we agreed to be, right? Friends?”

“Roman… maybe I forgot how stubborn he could be. How… inflexible… I find myself being a mediator between him and the children so often. That’s why Carrie feels abandoned. I can’t be both. I can’t support her, and support Roman at the same time.” She turned her face to his, her amber eyes glassy with tears. “Can I?”

“I made a deal with Carrie.” John slipped his arm around Marlena’s shoulders pulling her close. “I know when Roman finds out he’s going to come banging on my door, but it’s been done and promised, so I can’t change it now.”

Marlena’s eyes went wide, “What did you do?”

John leaned back, pulling Marlena with him, as he said, “Now, don’t get mad at me, Doc. Not until you’ve heard me out.”

“John…” Marlena hedged.

“Promise me you’ll hear me out,” he said softly, rubbing his palm along the length of her arm, while firmly holding her so that she couldn’t run. Marlena sighed in frustration, but said nothing. “Carrie is upset. She doesn’t feel heard. She doesn’t feel like her needs are being considered. She said that things in the house are… tense–”

“–adjustment can be hard–”

“–I need you to listen,” he repeated. Marlena sighed, and when she did John’s spicy scent filled her senses. Even though she knew she shouldn’t, she closed her eyes, and relaxed against him. John smirked, whispering, “That’s right, Doc. Relax, and just hear me out. Carrie wants her own space. She’s craving independence, but she’s also missing her relationship with me. And I miss her. I miss the kids so much it’s almost painful. You understand that don’t you?”

“I do,” Marlena said softly. She allowed her face to roll towards his chest, while still keeping her eyes closed. She could pretend for just a moment, one single moment, that John was still hers. Relaxing further, she sighed.

“I’m going to get an apartment for Carrie. I’ve agreed to pay the rent and –”

“–John!” Marlena tried to sit up, but he pushed her back with a firm hand on her shoulder.

John stared down into Marlena’s eyes, and he said, “Carrie has agreed to go to school. She will enroll in Salem University as a full time college student. She will continue to work part time at Ballistix’s, and she will come to dinner at my house on Wednesday evenings. I will pay for the apartment, and utilities. She will use her money from her job to start a savings account, and cover food and personal items. You and Roman will cover her tuition and books.”

Marlena couldn’t breathe. He was too close. John had managed to have a conversation with Carrie, and get her to do something that Roman had been arguing with her over for months. “How?” she asked, pushing at him. 

John released her, watching her scramble from the couch to get away from him. He knew why, and he understood it. The closeness, and the intimacy of the moment was too much. Leaning back, he said in frustration, “Doc! She wants to be heard! She wants to have the ability to have a say in her life. I did that. I gave her that. I gave her autonomy.”

Marlena stood in front of the window in her office, watching as the storm moved further west, and she felt tears slip from her eyes. She was losing sight of who she was. How was she able to help her patients with such clarity while the lives of her children were crumbling. Was she making Roman and his happiness too much of a focus? Was Roman’s happiness more important than that of her children? 

She heard the shuffle of John’s shoes across the carpet of her office, and then she felt the heat of his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him. She whispered, “Roman doesn’t understand.”

“He understands, Doc… he doesn’t care,” John told her.

“He–he does care! He’s just… he’s struggling to acclimate. He’s so angry about the years he lost. He’s angry about the time he lost with the children. He’s angry–”

“–he’s angry about me.” John told her. “No more hiding this. No more skirting the real issue.” He brushed the stray strands of hair from her face, and he said softly, “He’s mad that I replaced him, and I understand that, but in truth… he’s taking it out on you, and the children. He’s taking it out on his family. We were all duped, Marlena. All of us, but in Roman’s mind, he’s the victim, and that is where the real problem lies. Because, we were all the victims.”

“I know,” she breathed, still staring into John’s eyes. “I know that, and I haven’t even started to deal with it. When… when would I have had time to deal with it?” They had all returned from Mexico, and jumped into lives of normalcy, that were anything but normal. 

John brushed his thumb over her chin, tipping her face up to his. “You have to take care of yourself. You take care of everyone, Doc. Everyone. But who’s taking care of you?”

She couldn’t say it without breaking down. She couldn’t acknowledge the loneliness she felt. It would be too much. Unless she was buried in the twins, or her job, the loneliness was all she felt. Roman tried. She couldn’t lie, and say he didn’t. But Roman’s attempts at connecting with her were on his terms, on his time frame, and based on his needs. Never her needs.

She tried to smile, a tremble of the lips, as she brushed John’s hand away, “I’m fine, John. I knew when we came home from Mexico that the adjustment would be difficult. I knew that, and I was prepared for that.”

He followed her as she approached her desk. She was trying to change the subject, and distract him. He wasn’t going to allow her to do it. Turning her again, he stared down at her with his deep blue eyes flashing, “We’re friends, right?”

“John, of course, we’re friends. We’ll always be friends,” she said.

“Then as a friend, I want you to hear me. Find someone, Doc. A therapist. Someone that you feel you can talk to about Roman, because I know that talking to me about it makes you uncomfortable, and that’s understandable. Maybe, your ex-husband isn’t the best confidant,” he said with a small smile. “Maybe, you feel like talking to me about it makes you disloyal to Roman, but Doc, you have to talk to someone.”

John was right. She knew he was. An ache filled her as she stared up at him. Maybe there would always be regret that she didn’t fight for him. Letting go was the least painful thing she could for everyone involved, and only Abe knew how much it really hurt her. John was right though, discussing Roman and her problems at home did make her feel as if she were betraying him. “I’ll find someone, John.”

He curled his eyebrow in that way that used to make her stomach flip, and she laughed, “I will! I promise.”

“You know I care about you,” he told her softly. “Don’t lose yourself as you get caught up in everyone else. Don’t bury yourself in work–”

“–I don’t do that!” she exclaimed.

His eyes lit with humor as he said, “You don’t? Maybe I was thinking about some other lady shrink.”

Marlena laughed softly, “Possibly.” Glancing at the clock she asked, “When are you coming by again? I enjoy our conversations.”

“I’ll see you at the wedding Friday?” For some reason he needed to know that she was going to be present. He wasn’t sure he would be able to do it without knowing she was there.

“I will be there,” she told him. “Roman and I will be there.”

He leaned forward, kissing her forehead softly, and he smiled, “I’ll see you Friday, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It’s just as well for all I’ve seen

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you’re the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you

That’s if the choice were mine to make

But you can make decisions too

And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes

And you’re the only one who knows

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*And so it Goes – Billy Joel

Chapter 3 – Bridge Over Troubled Water

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

When you’re weary

You’re feeling small

When tears are in your eyes

I will dry them all

I’m on your side

When times get rough

And friends just can’t be found

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dr. Marlena Evans Office, Salem University Hospital

Thursday, May 28, 1992

The weather was finally warming up, and Marlena was glad. That was probably the only thing she was happy about. Taking long walks in the mornings as the sun came up, or evening strolls along the pier, those were the moments she looked forward to. Those and her meetings with John. She looked forward to those probably more than she should. She’d argued with Roman that morning at the precinct. It was days like that, the days that started off with anger and misunderstanding, that made her wonder what she was trying to accomplish in her marriage with Roman. It made her question everything. Roman seemed so content. He wore her on his arm like a trophy, but she was no one’s trophy. Or was she? Was she the prize that Roman Brady won after his seven years with Stefano? Was she the prize he won after coming home, and displacing John? Marlena wiped the tear that fell from her eye, and thought about their argument earlier. 

Marlena was reading as Abe walked into the office. She was so deep into the file in front of her that when she heard him say from behind her, “Marlena?” she was startled.

“Oh, hi, Abe,” she said, closing the file in her hands in distraction.

“Did we have a meeting?” he asked.

A meeting? She was still thinking about the file in her hands as she said, “Oh, uh, no. I came by looking for Roman. “You haven’t seen him, have you?”

“Um, uh, yeah. We just had a staff meeting. He’s debating with the sergeant on the way the riots in LA were handled,” he told her.

Marlena chuckled, “Oh, well, he could be gone for hours then.”

Abe laughed, “Yeah, well you know your husband. Once he gets a point of view, he’s harder to move than the rock of Gibraltar.”

“Yes,” Marlena agreed, still thinking about the file in her hand. “Uh, Abe, I couldn’t help looking through this chart.” She handed it to him, “I hope you don’t mind.”

“The Flanders file,” he said. 

Marlena saw Abe’s reaction, and she said, “Yes. He’s got quite a record, doesn’t he?”

Abe turned away from her, saying, “It’s gone from bad to worse.”

She knew he was avoiding eye contact, and she had a feeling that had something to do with Roman. Stepping closer, she spoke to Abe’s back, “You think he can be helped?”

Abe sighed deeply, turning to face her, “I, uh, I didn’t say that–”

“–I know you didn’t. I read your notes,” she said. “I know you pretty well. I want the Flander’s case Abe.”

From behind her, Roman was walking in the door, and said, “Forget it.”

She was instantly irritated. Why wouldn’t Roman allow her to do the job she was hired to do? Turning around, she said, “Excuse me?”

Roman leaned towards her, “Lenny Flanders is a criminal, always was and always will be. So you can forget about handling that particular case.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t do that,” she told him. Marlena wished she could take back her apology. Why was she apologizing? 

“Doc! The last thing you need right now is to get involved in this case!” Roman told her loudly. Marlena glanced towards the office door as another officer pulled it closed. Roman was about to go on another self important rant, and she wasn’t sure she had the energy for it.

Marlena’s own anger started to rise. She knew Abe was watching, but she was losing her patience with Roman’s constant attempts to control every aspect of her life. “The last thing that I need? What about the patient?”

Roman sneered, “Come on! Lenny Flanders is no patient! He’s a hardened criminal! Now there are plenty of other patients out there who could use your help a lot more than him.”

Marlena noticed the way Roman glanced at Abe when he said the word patients. Had he spoken to Abe about her caseload? Was he picking and choosing which cases Abe assigned her? Turning to face Abe, she saw guilt written all over it, as he averted his eyes, and tried to say casually, “Well, the way things have been going lately, we do have a number of people you can see, Marlena.”

Raising her voice, she stared Abe down, “I read the report, Abe! You know that I’m the best qualified for this particular person.” 

Abe’s eyes darted behind her, and then back down. “You are one of the best qualified, yes.”

“Hmmm,” she said, still staring at him intently.

“But I could give it to other qualified people,” he hedged.

Marlena lost her patience. She could feel the heat of Roman’s body against her back, as he watched Abe. She knew Abe was only telling her what Roman wanted her told, and she was sick of it. She was tired of Roman’s meddling in her professional life. “Why would you hire me, if you’re not going to allow me to do my job?”

“Doc,” Roman said as if he were chiding a child. 

Marlena glanced at him over her shoulder, rage lighting up her hazel eyes. Roman stopped speaking, and she faced Abe again. “Abe? Could I have a minute alone with the captain please?”

Abe was reluctant to go. She could see that. Quietly, he said, “I want the two of you to work this out. I don’t want to regret having brought you in.”

As soon as the door closed behind Abe, Marlena said, “I thought we agreed when I came to work here that you would not interfere. Are you trying to tell me not to take this case?”

Roman tried to backpedal, “No. What I am telling you is that I know this guy! They don’t come any worse than him.”

It was exactly as Abe had said, once Roman got a point of view or an idea in his head there was no changing it. “There’s no hope? There’s no help for him? Is that it?”

More and more often she found herself wondering when Roman had lost his respect for her professionally. Had he ever respected her abilities as a psychiatrist, or had she only imagined he did? She thought about when they had first met, the way he had argued with her over Eugene Bradford, and she thought maybe he hadn’t ever truly respected her professional opinion. “Why did I never see that?” she wondered aloud. “How could I miss something so significant?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

When you’re down and out

When you’re on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I’ll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John knew he was early as he approached Gretchen at her desk. She glanced up. How did a man have the right to be that fucking gorgeous? With a nervous smile, Gretchen said, “Her 10:00 patient canceled”. The clock on her desk said, 10:50. With another nervous smile that looked more like a grimace, Gretchen told John, “You can go on in. She’s expecting you.”

John wanted to laugh. Gretchen was nearly always a nervous mess around him, and he wasn’t sure why. She had been when he started working at the hospital as John Black. She had been when she was Whitney Baker’s secretary and he was working on his pagoda trigger. Once Marlena returned to work, Gretchen asked to be transferred back to working with Marlena, and she continued to be amazingly awkward around him. With a chuckle, he told her, “Thanks.”

Marlena was almost frantic when she realized how much time had passed. She’d scurried into her private bathroom, intent on washing her face clean, and reapplying her makeup. She wasn’t normally the type to feel sorry for herself. She paused, immediately realizing that Roman’s way of thinking was taking a toll on her. She had a right to be frustrated. She had a right to feel overwhelmed. As she unbuttoned her jacket, she considered the way she had been coming down on herself, and almost immediately pushed it aside. She was overwhelmed, that was all. Taking a deep breath she tried to rationalize. 

Her life had changed so much in the last almost year. She’d only come back after a five year absence last August. She’d come back to Salem with expectations about how her life would go. It was natural for her to be overwhelmed. It was natural that Roman be overwhelmed. They had to learn each other all over again. 

Sudsing up her hands, she leaned over the sink, closing her eyes as she washed vigorously over her skin. She could feel the cool water trailing down her neck, and into the cleft between her breasts. The satin of her chemise brushed across her nipples, and she shivered as she rinsed the soap from her face. Marlena stood up, feeling more water trail over her skin. She reached out, her eyes still closed, as she tried to find the hand towel she laid on the edge of the sink, not realizing she’d accidently knocked it onto the floor. Sighing in frustration, Marlena cracked open one eye, feeling the water drip into it. She hated that feeling. Looking down, she crouched and picked it up. It was when she stood up, wiping the soft terry cloth over her freshly washed face, that she saw John standing in the doorway to her bathroom. 

John tried to swallow away the lump that seemed to be sitting in his throat. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about Marlena or her body in a romantic way since the night he’d slept with Isabella on the beach in Mexico. He dreamt of her a few times, but even then, when he’d woken, he’d pushed the images away. He pushed away the impulses, and the desire, telling himself that he’d moved on. And he had moved on. Isabella was his wife now. He had a son named Brady. The most beautiful baby on the planet. And yet, he found himself completely entranced by the sight of Marlena with wet tendrils of hair curling around her face, and rose tinted cheeks. As if he were frozen in time, his eyes slid down her neck, following the trail of the water. He almost groaned, knowing it was improper to continue staring at her, and still unable to take his eyes away from her breasts, soft and rounded underneath white laced satin.

Marlena’s breath caught in her chest. There was no mistaking the desire in John’s eyes, and there was no mistaking the effect it had on her body. She felt her nipples pebble under his intense gaze, and she wanted nothing more than to cup her breast, and release the tension that sat there. Instead, she broke the silence, softly whispering, “John?”

His eyes lifted, almost in a haze, and he stared at her for a second. Shaking his head, he said quickly, “Gretchen said you would be fine if I came in. I didn’t mean to–”

“It’s fine,” she said, feeling the heat of embarrassment climb up her neck. She reached for her baby pink plaid jacket, “I–I just need a few moments.”

John was going to turn and go back into his office when something in the tone of her voice stopped him, “Doc?”

He knew. She knew he knew. “John… I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Doc,” he whispered, coming closer. “You’ve been crying.”

The look on his face and the love in his voice broke her. A sob tore free of her chest, even as she tried to hold it back. It came out sounding wounded, and she gasped. Trying to take a deep breath, her chest seized again as her body tried to cry, and she whispered in a combination of sadness and embarrassment, “Oh, G-d!”

He had her in his arms immediately, running his warm hands along her spine, while cooing softly, “Hey… hey? What’s going on, baby. What happened?”

Baby? She choked on another sob that she was trying to suppress. She couldn’t handle this version of John. The one who took care of her. The one who consoled her. The one who made her feel like he was the only one on earth who could make her feel alive again. He had arrived at the worst time. He had intruded on a moment of vulnerability that she wanted no one to see. She needed time to fix her makeup, and put her mask back on. The face that said, I’m fine, everything is fine. Even when it wasn’t.

She started gasping for air, “Jo–John, I–I j-just need a f-few m-minutes. I just n-need–”

“Whoa, whoa,” he soothed. “Slow down. Slow down, Doc.” Without thinking, he lifted her into his arms, and for the first time in months he felt her face against his neck. He was in front of the sofa in a few long strides, and he sank into it, settling Marlena on his lap.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Your time has come to shine

And all your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

And if you need a friend

I’m sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

She wasn’t sure how long she’d cried for, but there came a moment when she realized that she was half dressed, sitting on her newly married, ex-husband’s lap. Lifting her face, she started to gently push against his chest, “John… let me up.”

“Not yet,” he said softly. “What was all that about?”

“I don’t have to be on your lap to tell you,” she said, trying to disengage herself from his arms.

“Maybe I like you here,” he chuckled in a low, teasing voice. He said it in a joking tone, but it was more truth than fiction.

“John, seriously!” she said in a hushed whisper. “You didn’t lock my door, and Gretchen could walk in. This looks… compromising.”

Letting her go, John watched her scramble to her feet, and rush into the bathroom. When she stepped out five minutes later, her hair was back in place, her jacket was on, and her makeup was pristine. The persona of Dr. Marlena Evans was firmly back in place, and John felt a little sadness over that, although he couldn’t explain why. “Now,” he told her sternly. “Talk.”

“You know, I’m getting a little… no, I’m getting a lot frustrated over the amount of people who think they have the right to tell me what to do today. Abe, Roman… you.”

“Whoa, Doc,” John said, standing up with his hands out. “You’ve got me mixed up. I’m just trying to help.”

The fire in her eyes dimmed a little, as she muttered, “I know. I know that.”

“So tell me. We’re friends, remember? I have a right to know why I just found my friend sobbing in her bathroom.” He knew by the way she was hedging that it had to do with Roman. She’d basically said as much when she accused him of telling her what to do.

Marlena thought about how she could explain what happened to John while minimizing how bad it might make Roman look. “Roman and I had a disagreement.”

John approached her where she stood on the other side of her desk, “A disagreement?”

Marlena’s eyes narrowed in irritation, “Yes, John. A disagreement. Married couples have those you know.”

“I know that,” he said softly. “But what just happened in this office was more than you getting upset over a disagreement, and we both know that.”

Unable to deny what he was saying, Marlena sank into her desk chair in exhaustion. She looked up at John, and for a moment she wished that things had turned out differently in Mexico. But they didn’t, and she had to accept that. “You know,” she said softly. “When we were married, there were times when you disagreed with my professional choices… but no matter what, you supported them. When I was trying to help Jennifer’s friend, Matt–”

“–I don’t even like thinking about that time in our lives, Doc,” John said, barely above a whisper. “I thought… we all thought we might lose you forever.”

“I didn’t expect it to turn out the way it did–”

“–but it was an accident. I knew it then… it wasn’t something you could have foreseen. You were doing a job, and that boy… he needed help.” John didn’t like being reminded of those six weeks when Marlena was in a coma. He found himself reliving the trauma of her falling from the ledge of the apartment building she was standing on. But he had never, at any point, questioned her professional judgment.

“Roman… he doesn’t trust me. Abe hired me to do a job, but behind my back, Roman has been manipulating the cases that Abe assigns me,” she said, staring down at her perfectly manicured nails. “I didn’t even realize, until this morning. I was asking Abe for the Flander’s case–”

“–Lenny Flanders? Doc!” John said without thinking. Marlena stood up, staring at John with fierce eyes, and he felt a shiver of desire race down his spine. She was gorgeous when she was angry.

Marlena sat back down quickly. It was easier than being eye to eye, and she didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. “You too, huh?”

“Lenny Flanders has been in and out of incarceration since he was a teenager, Doc. I can only imagine how Roman reacted,” John said, kneeling down in front of her.

He placed his hands on the armrests of her chair, essentially boxing her in, and Marlena felt trapped. She felt trapped, but she wanted to be trapped, and that scared her. Pushing her emotions to the side, she told John, “If you were still Roman, would you stop me from taking the case? Would you convince Abe to not allow me to work on it?”

John sighed, “You know I wouldn’t.”

“Because you trust, and respect my professional judgment?” she asked. Marlena was quiet for a moment, staring down into John’s eyes, “You know, before you arrived I was thinking that this type of behavior isn’t new for Roman. He’s done it before… tried to control me, or tell me what to do in relation to my job.”

“I know,” John whispered, wiping a rogue tear from Marlena’s face. He still possessed some of Roman’s memories, which made Roman incredibly uncomfortable. “I remember.”

Marlena touched John’s jaw in awe, “You do, don’t you? And even with Roman’s memories, you were a very different man. I should have known… and I became so used to who you were, that I forgot who he was. I–I expected a version of you when we came home from Mexico. Isn’t that so ridiculous? He’s not you.”

“I don’t think it is. It was seven years. Seven years is a long time.” He tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. “You’re not the same woman you were.”

“I’m not, but I guess… I guess, I keep trying to be, to make Roman happy.” Marlena smiled at John sadly, “I don’t want to be that woman.”

“Then don’t be, Doc. That’s not who you are anymore. I’m not sure it ever was.” His fingers gripped her chin, forcing her to look at him, and he said, “Think about it. Roman came into your life when you were suffering a series of traumas. You were vulnerable. Incredibly vulnerable. But that woman wasn’t and isn’t who you really are.”

He was right. Samantha locking her up in Bayview, D.J.’s death, Don’s affair, her rape, and then Samantha’s death. She ran her fingers softly along John’s cheek, “Do you know how much you mean to me?”

“I think I do,” he said softly.

“You are such a wonderful friend,” she whispered. They both knew she wanted to say more, but she left it at that. 

John stood up. It was time to go. He leaned forward, bracing himself on her armrests, and stared into her wide hazel eyes. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yes,” she replied.

He kissed her forehead softly, and he smiled, “I’ll see you next week, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel

Chapter 4 – Forever

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Take these roses off of me

Let me live, let me be

For a little while

Let my eyes

See everything and nothing in their time

I do not mind

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena and Roman Brady Residence

July 10, 1992

Marlena’s hand shook as she stared at the photo recently taken of her and Roman. He’d insisted that they have family photos done, and she’d indulged him. It wasn’t often that he was free of work obligations. The day itself had been chaotic. Sami was argumentative, and rebellious, while Eric was sullen. Carrie had almost refused to do the photos at all, but at some point she’d changed her mind. Marlena suspected that John had something to do with her change of heart, although neither he nor Carrie ever told her that. Rolling her head on her shoulders, she sighed, trying to stretch the knotted muscles in her neck. Her eyes scanned the wall near the French doors, and she held the photo up, deciding where to place it.

She’d decided to take the day off after another argument with Roman over Carrie. He’d found out everything about Carrie’s apartment, and who was paying for it. He was enraged to learn that Marlena had known about it, and said nothing. That was her fault. She knew it was. As soon as John told her, she should have told Roman, but she was tired of the fighting, and she’d said nothing. That only seemed to create a larger issue. Roman couldn’t seem to understand that the people in his life kept things from him because his temper was so explosive. She was starting to see the negative effects more and more.

Just as she was hanging the photo on the wall, the doorbell rang. Marlena fumbled with the hook, trying to get the picture in place, while calling out loudly, “Okay, okay, okay! Just a sec, hold on! I’ll be right there!” She scurried to the door, pulling it open, “Yes–oh!”

John stood there staring down at her with deep blue eyes that crinkled at the edges. There was a smile on his face, and she stopped speaking for a moment. She hadn’t seen him since he’d shown up at her office the week before with a bag of Chinese food. As they ate egg foo young and egg rolls, they’d talked about Carrie’s adjustment to her new found independence, and John learning the ways of early fatherhood, since the twins were toddlers when he first came into her life.

“Hi,” he said, staring down at her look of surprise. It should be a sin to look as good as she did. Soft honey hair, and a golden bare shoulder as her lilac sweater sat askew. 

Noticing the bruise on John’s cheek, she reached out, touching it softly, “What happened?”

“It’s nothing, Doc. Is this a bad time?” he asked her with a laugh.

“What? No! No!” she said, coming out of her daze. She reached for his arm, pulling him into the house excitedly. “You’re being silly. Come on in.”

He stepped inside the house, looking around with a profound sense of sadness. He hadn’t been there since he’d said goodbye to the twinners, and being there now was almost physically painful. He barely heard Marlena close the front door.

“You’re just in time,” she said, walking towards the picture wall she’d been working on. Stepping in front of it, she pointed at the photo of her and Roman, “Help me… is that straight?”

John leaned forward in exaggeration, staring at the photo of her and Roman. He felt a tug of jealousy at the way Roman’s arms encircled Marlena’s waist, his hand laying on her softly rounded stomach. For a quick moment, he thought about how the child she carried could have been his, and pain lanced his heart. Pushing the emotion down as deep as it would go, he had to accept that their lives were different now. Marlena and Roman were having another child, and he was a newlywed with his own baby to focus on. He couldn’t spend his time on what if’s. 

“No. No,” he said, standing up straight. “A little left.”

Marlena faced the wall, adjusting the photo, and John took the time to gaze over her body. The soft pastel color of her sweater was becoming, and he could appreciate the way it hugged her hips. 

When she turned to face him, she saw where his eyes were, and she was momentarily taken aback. She hadn’t discussed her pregnancy with John. He was aware, she knew he was. It was in the way his eyes would settle on her abdomen, and in the way he studied her photo with Roman. For some reason, the mere idea of discussing it made her uncomfortable. 

Clearing her throat, to get his attention, she almost laughed as John’s distracted eyes came up quickly to meet hers quickly. “Better?” she asked.

“Perfect,” he said softly, thinking about her. He added, “The picture’s not bad either.”

Marlena laughed at his obvious flirting, and smacked his arm. It felt so good to laugh. It felt wonderful to feel attractive, even if she was nearly four months pregnant. “I was just thinking the house needed kind of a… I don’t know, like a wall collage or something. So, I was, uh, putting together pictures of, uh, family, and friends–you’re up there because you’re… family… and a friend.”

John watched Marlena walk away as if she were distracted, and he followed behind her, “So what are you avoiding?”

“Huh? Avoiding?” she asked, staring down at the pile of photos she had laid out on the dining room table. 

“Oh, yeah, yeah. Usually when you’re avoiding something you choose to putter around the house, and work on a project. Not many people know that about you.” His voice took on a soft tone, as he watched her shoulders stiffen, “But it’s something I’ll never forget.”

Marlena stopped moving, almost dropping the photo frame she held in her hand. She turned to face him, finally allowing her eyes to settle on his, and she said quietly, “You know me too well.”

Thinking about the time in her office, when he’d held her as she sobbed over Roman, he asked her, “Are you two okay? I mean, not that it’s any of my business. I just care.” Truthfully, he more than cared, but he could worry about that at another time.

With a smile, she replied, “I know you do. You’ll be glad to know that we’re fine. We’re just fine.” 

She said it with such an air of confidence, and yet John wasn’t sure he believed her. 

Intense blue eyes stared at her, and Marlena looked down, rubbing her neck, “In fact, uh, Roman, is very busy dealing with his teenage daughter.” She didn’t want to have this conversation with John. Since that time in her office, she’d put distance between them. It was hard to sleep through the night without dreaming of him as it was. The situation in her office, when he’d held her close, and spoken so sweetly to her, well, that was just fuel and fodder for her already active imagination. John still stopped by her office weekly for their chats, but she had managed to stay away from the topic of Roman and her relationship with him. Trying to keep the conversation light, she smiled, “Well, you’ll find out about teenagers.”

John didn’t miss the way she turned away from him, pretending to focus on the pictures strewn across the table. He knew there were things she wasn’t telling him. The bruise on his cheek was evidence of that. There were things he wasn’t telling her. Following Marlena’s lead, he said, “Carrie will be just fine with you two looking out for her.”

Marlena dropped the wooden picture frame with a clatter, and tried to gather herself together. Why was his presence in her home so disconcerting? Why was he standing so close to her? 

“So is Roman at work?” he asked her. 

“No, he, uh, left about five o’clock this morning,” she said softly, still refusing to face John. She knew her emotions were written across her face like a novel. The sadness. The longing. She tried to pull herself together.

She was upset. He could feel it. If his run in with Roman earlier at Carrie’s apartment was any indication, Marlena would be very upset. “Well, you know, when he gets his mind set to something.”

Marlena smirked, thinking of how stubborn John was. She turned around, “Yes, well I know somebody else who’s a little bit like that.” Staring into John’s deep blue eyes, she smiled widely, remembering some of the arguments they used to have. “No… I know somebody else, who’s a lot like that.”

John was trying to figure out how such a normal conversation could feel so loaded. How could it feel like they were saying so much more than simply the words leaving their lips? He stared at her for a moment, “Kind of drives our women crazy, doesn’t it?”

Desire coursed through her body as her hazel eyes locked in on his blue ones. So much said in the silence that it was booming. Marlena didn’t think that after seven months she would still be feeling this much pain over losing John, and yet she was. Her belly fluttered as his eyes dropped to the bare skin of her shoulder, and she had to forcefully suppress the shiver that threatened to over take her. They were friends. They could only ever be friends. Looking away from the intensity of his stare, she whispered, Uh-huh.”

John felt his body physically reacting, when Marlena finally looked away, telling him in a choked voice, “Do you need Roman or, uh, can I help you with something?” 

He still affected her, and he was well aware that she affected him. Even still they hadn’t crossed that line except for that once in her office, and they could cross it again. 

Her scent wafted across his path as she passed him, and he said, “Actually, you can help me with something.”

Could she die from want? She was starting to believe that it was possible. John’s voice sounded so close that she could imagine him behind her, “Before… Isabella and I leave on our honeymoon…” He stopped speaking when he saw Marlena tense up again. He knew what she was doing before she turned to face him with a smile. He could almost picture the pain that crossed her face, before the lines of her eyes smoothed out. 

Could a person’s heart break more than once? She’d thought she couldn’t feel anymore than she’d felt at John’s wedding to Isabella. Then Brady was born, and the first time she laid eyes on him, she’d felt her heart shatter again. John’s honeymoon was simply another step in moving on with their lives. Her smile felt false, but still she said, “That sounds nice. How can I help?”

And again, she turned away from him. He wanted to reach out, and turn her around forcefully. He wanted to demand to know what she was feeling, what she might be thinking. John recognized every cue she gave him, and still he followed her, refusing to allow her to avoid him completely. “Well, Shawn and I were talking the other day, and he mentioned something I’m not quite sure about. He said he’s not real interested in rebuilding the fish market. You see, I think he has a dream, and if I can find out what it is, I’m going to make it happen for him.”

Marlena didn’t think it was possible to admire John any more, until that moment. A soft smile spread across her face, and she turned to him. All awkwardness was gone as she looked up at him and whispered, “A pub. Shawn has always dreamed of owning his own Irish pub.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Who’s have guessed I’d ever learn

To let the walls around me burn

And light up the hillside

My words

I ate them for so long

And nothing changed

It was just the same

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dr. Marlena Evan’s Office, Salem University Hospital

“Dr. Evans?” Gretchen’s voice came over the intercom on Marlena’s phone. “I know you had a cancellation, but there’s someone here to see you.”

Placing the file on her desk, Marlena removed her glasses, and rubbed her temples. Rolling her shoulders she asked, “Who is it, Gretchen?”

“Isabella Black, Dr. Evans,” Gretchen’s staticky voice replied. 

Feeling a flutter in her abdomen, she smiled. The baby was moving. She had only recently felt the first movement of the baby, and until that point it hadn’t felt real. Realizing she was pregnant had been quite a shock. She and Roman made love so infrequently that she didn’t think it was possible.

With a soft sigh, Marlena said, “You can send her in.” Standing up from her desk, she stretched her back, and walked towards the door to her office, opening it with a pleasant smile. Isabella turned, her eyes falling to Marlena’s gently rounded abdomen with a look of surprise. Marlena would have thought that Carrie or even Caroline might have mentioned her pregnancy, but Isabella seemed to have no idea. Smiling in her professional manner, Marlena said softly, “Isabella, What a pleasant surprise. What can I do for you?”

Unable to speak for a moment, Isabella finally managed, “I wanted to speak to you about John.”

Glancing at her secretary, Marlena said, “Can you let me know when my two o’clock arrives?”

“Yes, Dr. Evans.” Gretchen watched with curiosity as Marlena closed the door to her office. 

Marlena rounded her desk, sitting at her chair, and gestured towards the chair in front of her. “How’s Brady?”

Isabella was confused. She’d come to Marlena’s office intent on telling the woman she needed to release the hold she had on John. It was time to move on, and John had commitments. She hadn’t been expecting to find Marlena very obviously pregnant. Was it possible that Marlena had moved and John was the one who was stuck in the past? Whatever the reason, the fact remained, that John was dreaming about Marlena. He was calling for her in his sleep, reaching out for her, and it was affecting their marriage. Isabella could barely let him touch her. She was so hurt. “Brady is wonderful,” she replied. “I came to speak to you about John.”

“John?” Marlena asked in confusion. She didn’t understand why Isabella would need to speak with her about John.

“I want you to suggest that John see a different therapist,” Isabella said. “I think that seeing you is… not appropriate.”

Marlena stared at the other woman, her eyes unblinking. She no longer saw John in a therapeutic capacity. She hadn’t been for quite awhile, but it seemed as if John had not told Isabella that. Marlena could only wonder why, but she wouldn’t say anything. “I think you should be having this conversation with John, Isabella.”

Isabella’s voice became louder, “I tried. I think it would be better coming from you. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, that’s why he’s still coming to see you. But there are other therapists at this hospital, and I think… I think it’s improper for you to see him as a patient, given that you used to be married.” 

“Well, as you know, I can’t discuss any of my patient’s – previous or current. As I said,” Marlena told her, standing up as if their discussion was over, “this is a conversation you need to have with John.”

Isabella stared at Marlena for a moment, surprised at her abrupt dismissal and what she perceived as rudeness. Trying again she said, “I thought you might at least be able to suggest another therapist.”

“Isabella,” Marlena replied as she rounded her desk, and headed towards her office door, “John’s choice of therapist is something I cannot, and will not discuss with you. I suggest you go home, and speak to your husband.”

She watched as Isabella stood up, retrieving her purse from the floor beside her, and walked out of her office without even a goodbye. Marlena closed the door softly behind her, and leaned against it. Isabella had no idea that John no longer saw her for therapy. His weekly visits were a chance for them to catch up, and discuss their lives. They were the opportunity to stay connected, because Marlena didn’t think she could let go of him completely, and yet, it seemed to be causing problems in his marriage. Her small hand rubbed over her abdomen. Maybe Isabella was right, and she needed to let him go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And I wanted you to be

Everything to me

And now I’ve got to carry on

And I know I cannot hide

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The Brady Fish Market

Shawn fumbled with the cardboard box in his hands and the roll of packing tape in his hand. He wanted to be done with it all. He’d spent years building his business from the ground, hoping to have something that his children would be proud of, but all around him was destruction. He and Caroline were trying to salvage what they could, but ultimately he was ready to give it up. He didn’t think he had the energy to rebuild something that was never his passion in the first place. The fish market had been a business he knew he could run, and run well. He knew how to sail. He knew how to fish. He’d needed to support a family, and he had, but his children were grown, and fish wasn’t something he wanted to continue to work with. 

In frustration he mumbled, “A fine mess this–”

“–don’t you go touching that thing!” Caroline told him loudly as she walked by with her arms full of items she felt were salvageable.

“Well how else is it gonna get cleaned up, huh?” he asked her, following behind her, red in the face.

“You’ve just gotten out of the hospital. I’ll take care of it,” she told him, dumping the items she was carrying into another box she had on a table. 

Shawn started to bluster, “Yeah… good, good, right? Ye gonna lift all this? This stuffs too heavy for you! Come on!”

“Well, I’ll get a crew in,” Caroline told him.

“Yeah? Who’s gonna pay ‘em?” Shawn asked, waving his hands about.

Both of them turned when the bell on the door clanged. Marlena walked in with a wide smile, as Bo and Carly trailed behind her. “Some crews are cheaper than others!” she said brightly.

“And some of them won’t cost you a dime!” Bo said loudly.

“Besides, you’re supposed to be taking it easy, remember? Doctor’s orders,”Carly reminded Shawn. He shouldn’t even be up and moving around yet, but Shawn Brady was a stubborn man.

Shawn stared at them in surprise, “Well, wait a minute. Wha-what are you guys doin’ here, huh?”

“It’s a family meeting,” Marlena told him, crossing her arms across her chest with a broad smile.

“What about Roman, or Kayla or Kimmy?” Shawn asked them, scared that something horrible had happened.

“No, no, no,” Bo told him quickly. “Pop, they’re fine. They’re fine. Don’t worry about it.”

With another wide smile, Marlena said, “Yeah, this is about good news.”

“Well, what is it then? Tell me!” Shawn demanded, even as his wife started laughing behind him.

Bo knew his dad had never been good with surprises, “Pop! We gotta wait until the others get here–”

“–the others? Who? What do ya mean, the others?”

“Well, that would be us,” John said, as he and Isabella came in. 

Marlena saw Brady wrapped in soft blankets in Isabella’s arms, and she felt so many emotions she thought she might drown in them. Her hand caressed her own abdomen as she looked down, and when she lifted her eyes she caught John staring at her intently. Turning her gaze away, she landed on Isabella’s hard eyes, and she turned to face Shawn. 

Shawn came forward, unaware of the tension between the three of them, “Is that my little Brady, eh?” Everyone started talking at the same time, and Shawn said, “Alright, let the little angel sleep.”

John looked around, “Where’s Carrie?” 

Marlena had just spoken to Carrie before she came, so she said, “She’ll be here very soon. She’s on the way–”

“–now, wait a minute,” Shawn interjected. “Yer not going to make me wait until she gets here to tell me are ye? Fer cryin’ out loud!”

Caroline started laughing, placing her palm on Shawn’s arm as she said to John, “You better put him out of his misery, John.”

“You’re sure?” John joked.

Isabella laughed, “Yes, we’ve got a plane to catch.”

Again, Marlena felt that combinations of emotions swirling inside her like an eddy trying to pull her in, and she had to fight the impulse to run from the room. She closed her eyes briefly, and found Isabella staring daggers at her when she opened them. 

John, completely unaware of what was happening between Marlena and Isabella, joked, “Ah, well, I don’t know how I feel about doing this without Carrie here.” Everyone started laughing and Shawn opened his mouth to yell, when John held up his hands in surrender. “Alright! Alright! Since we have a plane to catch here, now, everyone’s had a dream, right? But, you know, most of the time dreams don’t come true. They either pass you by, or… they’re a little bit out of reach.” John looked at Shawn, and he said, “But then there are other dreams. The solid, realistic ones that with a little bit of help, or a break, here and there can come true.”

Shawn stared at him, waiting for John to continue, and when he didn’t, he turned to Caroline to see if she knew. Realizing that she didn’t, Shawn started fumbling over his words, “W-wh-what are you try–you sound like this is something’– are ye runnin’ for office? Just say whatcha come to say fer cryin’ out loud!”

John started laughing, enjoying Shawn’s antics, “Alright! Alright! The point I’m trying to make here… Shawn Brady had himself a dream once. He dreamed of running a certain type of establishment, and he tried to pull it off once or twice, but he just missed the boat.” John could feel Marlena’s eyes on him, and he glanced over. He immediately wished he hadn’t. There was so much love and pride that he felt he didn’t deserve. Looking away, he told Shawn, “I think your boat just came in, because a new establishment is going to be built right here, on this site.”

Shawn looked at his wife, still confused about what John was telling him, “Wh–what–what’s he talkin’ about?”

John glanced around the room with a look of awe, “I do think… let me see… yessiree, you are standing right in the center of what is soon to be Brady’s Irish Pub, Shawn Brady, proprietor.”

Shawn’s mouth fell open as Caroline, Bo, Carly, and Marlena cheered. Isabella bounced Brady in her arms, and John simply waited for a reaction. Knowing Shawn, he would have a fight on his hands. And he was right, because within mere moments, Shawn blurted out, “I cannot accept it!”

“Why not?” John asked him. “Why can’t you?”

“My pride!” Shawn yelled.

“Would you turn down a gift from one of your kids?” John needed Shawn to accept this, and what Shawn wasn’t understanding was that John needed this as much as he did. “Of course, you wouldn’t. So, consider me one of your kids, alright?”

“Oh, now, look at ye! I do that already fer cryin’ out loud!” Taking a deep breath, Shawn pointed his finger at the floor with an exaggerated gesture, “This is charity! It’s charity, and I ain’t gonna take charity! I don’t care where it’s–I ain’t gonna take it, even from my kids!”

John’s face collapsed, and Marlena’s heart broke. She couldn’t stand to see the look of sadness on John’s face. Shawn didn’t understand the depth of pain he was causing him. After everything the Brady’s had done for John over the years, this was the only way John felt he could repay them. Repayment wasn’t necessary. They all knew that, but for John, he had to make a gesture. He had to do something and now that he had money, he could make Shawn’s biggest dream come true. Money didn’t matter to John, but he knew it could make this happen, and to see his sadness as Shawn refused the offer, simply because of his stubborn Irish pride… Marlena couldn’t stand it. 

Stepping forward, Marlena said, “Shawn? May we step outside for a moment?” He opened his mouth as if to argue with her, but she stopped him, “Now?” Shawn crossed his arms over his chest, and Marlena said firmly, “Now.”

John smirked, watching as Shawn walked towards the front door of the fish market, unwilling to argue with Marlena. She turned and followed Shawn out, and John couldn’t help admiring her for everything she was. Shawn would accept his gift, he had no doubt. 

Glancing over at Isabella, he saw her standing there with tears in her eyes watching him, and guilt washed over him. She wasn’t naive. Isabella knew that he still had feelings for Marlena. He couldn’t help the dreams he had, or the times he called out for her in his sleep, and he knew it hurt his wife. Isabella had pressured him a few days earlier to end his therapy session with Marlena. The problem was, he’d ended those several months earlier. His meetings with Marlena were no longer required, and yet, he still made the weekly trek to her office to catch up, because John didn’t think he could handle not having that connection with her. Why he hadn’t told his wife was something he wasn’t ready to think about. He could discuss it during one of his sessions with Dr. Baker, the therapist he was actually seeing.

Shifting Brady in her arms, Isabella blinked her eyes rapidly to try, and stave off the tears. She would not cry here. She wouldn’t cry in front of Marlena, or have Caroline rushing over to ask her what was wrong. John turned away, choosing to stare at the door Marlena and Shawn had exited from instead. Even pregnant and married to another man, John watched Marlena like a man in love. He couldn’t deny it. He could argue that he had no control over the dreams he had. He could even tell Isabella that calling her Doc while he pushed into her body during sex was a simple mistake, but she could feel him slipping away, and she had to find a way to pull him back. Hopefully this honeymoon, a month away without distractions, would be what they needed.

Outside of the fish market, Shawn scrambled to think of what to say to Marlena. He knew she was upset, and he knew why. The look on John’s face had said it all, but Shawn couldn’t pull his pride back enough to accept the gift. “Listen, I, uh,” he said. “I appreciate you wantin’ to be a part of this, and–”

“–I am a part of this,” she told him, cutting him off. She wasn’t going to allow Shawn to say no. One, because no matter how much he argued, he wanted this, and second, because him saying no would make John feel like he’d never truly been a Brady at all. “You’re not going to turn that man down, Shawn.”

“It’s already done!” he said in frustration. 

“Then undo it,” Marlena told him firmly. She felt tears pricking her eyes, as she said in a softer voice, “Don’t you know how much it would hurt him… if you turn him down? He loves you so much, and he is so–” Her voice caught in her throat as she tried to say the words, “excited about doing this! Shawn, this family gave him a lot. He wants to repay it.”

Shawn glanced down where Marlena’s hand held his forearm tightly. She was right. He knew she was, but his pride was strong. With a sigh of defeat, he told her, “It’s hard, ye know?”

Marlena stepped closer, wrapping Shawn in a hug, “It isn’t that hard. Let him love you. Let him do this for you. Please?”

Shawn heard something in her voice, a pleading tone that almost broke his heart. “There will be some rules, ye know.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” she told him with a smile, as she pulled back, and stared up at him. Reaching for his hand, she pulled Shawn towards the door, “Let’s go give John the good news.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This emptiness inside

Nothing is the same since you’re gone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*Forever – Vertical Horizon

Chapter 5 – White Liar

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The truth comes out a little at a time

And it spreads just like a fire

Slips off of your tongue like turpentine

And I don’t know why, white liar

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

August 10, 1992

Dr. Marlena Evans Office, Salem University Hospital

Marlena glanced up from her paperwork with a smile when John knocked softly, and poked his head inside her office. His dark hair was mussed, and his neck tie was loosened. He was the perfect picture of adorable and sexy. She hadn’t been expecting him until Friday. A grin stretched across his face, “Gretchen wasn’t at her desk, but I brought sandwiches.” He held up a brown paper bag containing an italian sub for Marlena, and a pastrami on rye for him. “You hungry?”

“How did you know I was starving?” she laughed. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear nervously, and ran her hands over her skirt to make sure she wasn’t wrinkled. It was too late to fix anything about her appearance, but that didn’t stop her from trying.

“Because, Doc, I know you,” he told her, slipping inside, and closing the door behind him. She was beautiful, even nearly six months pregnant, she was amazing. It was possible that pregnancy made her even more beautiful. That was a regret he would always have. Not knowing what she might look like in the light of the moon, full and round with his baby. Pushing the thoughts away, he smiled, “And you are notorious for forgetting to eat.” His eyes landed on her growing abdomen with a bittersweet longing as she stood up. His voice was rough as he tried to sound teasing, “Besides, Doc, you’re eating for two now.”

Marlena’s eyes lit up with a bright smile. He knew her so well. She couldn’t spend too much time dwelling on the fact that John took better care of her than her own husband did. His frequent phone calls, and his dropping by with meals. The way he softly asked after her health or the children. She rounded her desk, approaching the couch, and kicked off her shoes, sinking into the overstuffed cushions with a sigh. She needed a break. She found herself so often burying herself in work to keep her mind off of the nagging doubts that seemed to plague her. “I am eating for two, and I don’t remember being this tired with the twins,” she told him, propping her feet on the coffee table. 

John stared at her feet for a moment, small, with perfectly rounded toes. He found himself fascinated by the way her stockings wrapped around them. Blinking his eyes several times, he turned his attention to the food, and started pulling the sandwiches from the deli bag. He handed Marlena two individually wrapped pickle spears. “For you, Doc… two pickles. Yours… and, because you love them so much lately… I’ll let you have mine.”

“I can have both?” Marlena’s eyes went wide as she reached for them excitedly, tearing the paper, and biting into one of them with fervor. As the sourness burst over her tongue, Marlena moaned, and John almost shivered when he heard her. With a mouth full of pickle, she mumbled, “How did I never know how much I love pickles? I swear I’ve gone through a whole jar this week.”

“I’m certain this is a fairly new occurrence for you. When Isabella was pregnant with Brady, it was boiled eggs,” John laughed, shrugging his suit coat off and hanging it over the chair next to the sofa. “I think she must have gone through two dozen a week. The loft would reek of them.” He watched with an odd sort of joy, as Marlena continued eating her pickles happily until the last bite was gone.

She licked over her lips, closing her eyes, while considering how to ask about his wife’s mysterious visit to her office a month earlier. She was almost certain Isabella never mentioned it to him, or he would have already brought it up. Deciding to plow into it, Marlena said without preamble, “Why didn’t you tell Isabella that you had switched over to Whitney for your therapy sessions?”

John’s hands stopped moving, and he couldn’t look at her. He didn’t have an answer, not really. Like many decisions he’d made over the last few months, he never stopped to consider the why very often. Placing Marlena’s sandwich on the coffee table in front of her, he was quiet for several beats before he said softly, “It never came up.” It wasn’t an answer. He was well aware that it was likely the lamest sentence in his own defense that he’d ever uttered.

“Isabella still thinks you’re seeing me for therapy, John.” She sat up, taking her swollen feet off of the table, and she looked at him intently. “Telling me it never came up is an excuse, not an answer.”

Finally turning his face to look at her, he said, “I don’t know why I didn’t tell her. Did you tell Roman?”

“I don’t discuss my patients with Roman, John. You know that,” she said. He was trying to turn the tables on her because he wasn’t willing to think about what he’d done or why he’d done it. But lying by omission was still lying. A small voice inside her head asked her if she wasn’t doing the same thing?

“But I’m not your patient anymore, Doc. So why haven’t you told him?” John cocked an eyebrow at her, leaning back into the corner of the couch with his sandwich in his hands. Both of them were keeping their time partners in the dark in regards to the purpose of their time together, and as far as John could tell neither one of them had really sat down to consider why.

“John, stop with the semantics. I do not, and never have discussed my patients, past or present, with Roman.” She stared at him, watching as he considered what she’d said, and then he smirked.

“I’ll say it again, Doc. I’m not your patient anymore. I haven’t been for months.” Leaning forward, John said, “Have you told Roman that we have secret meetings in your office, Doc?”

She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking about her conversation with Roman the weekend before. 

“Seems to me, Doc, that you seeing John as a patient would be a conflict of interest,” Roman told her. “I mean what exactly do you two discuss in these therapy sessions?”

Marlena stood up, rinsing her breakfast plate in the sink quietly. She finally turned off the faucet, saying, “Roman, you know I can’t discuss the particulars of my patients or their sessions.”

“Fine. Fine. I get that,” he said, refilling his coffee cup. “But I gotta be honest with you Doc, I’d be more comfortable if you would pass him off to Dr. Baker or Dr. Hader. I’m sure Isabella would too.”

Marlena looked at Roman, studying him for a moment. Had Isabella gone to speak with Roman as well? 

“Can we please change the subject?” she asked him quietly. “I can’t discuss it with you, and it’s only going to make you angry if you keep pushing me.” Even as she said it, she knew she should tell him that John no longer saw her as his doctor. Telling him that bit wouldn’t violate any doctor patient confidentiality. So why not tell him?  

Marlena was as guilty as John was. She felt the heat rise to her cheeks, as the next lie spilled from her lips, “Our meetings… they are hardly secret, John–”

“–let me rephrase that… have you told Roman that you and I meet once a week, and discuss our lives?” he asked her, looking at her with intense blue eyes. “Have you told him that we’re friends who occasionally eat lunch or discuss old films… that you give me advice about colic, or that I give you insight into Carrie?”

The way he said it, made what they were doing sound illicit, and she found herself getting defensive. “Well, no, but I hardly think that should be an issue, John. We’re friends. I’m allowed to spend time with friends–”

“–I’m your ex-husband, Doc.” John set his sandwich on the coffee table, and he leaned closer to her, saying, “I’ve kissed you. I’ve made love to you. How do you think Roman might react to learning that we’re spending time together?” John was pushing her, he knew he was, but he needed her to understand.

Marlena looked away from him for a second, trying to gather her thoughts. The conversation had taken a turn she wasn’t expecting. Roman would fly into a jealous rage to know that she and John were spending time in her office alone as friends. He still didn’t trust John completely, and he hated the closeness John shared with Carrie. He would see Marlena’s weekly conversations with John as just another way that John was meddling in his life. 

Then there was the other side of the coin. The fact that on the days Marlena knew John might stop by, she spent extra time selecting her clothing. Sometimes she styled her hair differently, allowing her more natural curls to fall around her face in waves. She would feel the anticipation of seeing him as soon as she woke up. She knew well enough what was happening, and yet she still managed to tell herself it was nothing. Simply two friends catching up. That’s all. 

Turning her eyes back to him slowly, she finally gave voice to what she’d been avoiding for months, “He would be unhappy. He doesn’t… he doesn’t understand the connection I have with you.”

Picking up his sandwich, content with hearing her admit what he already knew, John leaned back against the sofa, “And that is why I haven’t told Isabella.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You better be careful what you do

I wouldn’t wanna be in your shoes

If they ever found you out

You better be careful what you say

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena was quiet for a long time, eating her sandwich in silence as she considered what John had told her. She watched John eat, comfortable being in the room with him. She said softly, “Isabella came to see me, you know? Before you left for your honeymoon. She asked me to stop seeing you as a client… she also asked me to refer you to another therapist.”

John’s eyes widened. Chewing his food several times, he swallowed thickly, “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“We were busy convincing the most stubborn Irishman in Salem to accept a gift,” she told him with a smile. She balanced her sandwich on her abdomen, and leaned further back. “I didn’t… I didn’t have a chance to get you alone, and tell you.”

“She came to see you that day?” he asked her. Isabella had acted upset the whole day. He remembered telling her he had to go over to Marlena’s house, and speak with her about Shawn, and Isabella’s response was cold, distant.

“I don’t understand why you couldn’t ask Roman, or Bo,” Isabella said, placing Brady’s empty bottle in the sink. She looked up at him with a look he couldn’t entirely read, “Why does it have to be Marlena?”

John stared at her quizzically before saying, “She’s a psychiatrist, Izzy-B. She knows everything about the Brady’s. If anyone is going to know what Shawn Brady’s big dream is, it’s Doc. Don’t worry. It won’t take me long. I’ll be home before you know it.”

His wife had stared at him with a frown as he’d left the loft, and later when he’d returned, she wasn’t home. Marlena must have gone into work after he left her house. He had thought at the time that Isabella was stressed about the honeymoon, and being away for a month. He hadn’t been as helpful with the packing as he could have been, but he didn’t think she would take it upon herself to confront Marlena. “You went to work? After I left your house?” he asked her.

“I did. I had a couple afternoon appointments I wasn’t able to reschedule. Then I met everyone at the pub,” she said, crumpling the paper from her sandwich.

He was irritated, and frustrated that Isabella had even considered that she had the right to meddle that way, although he understood what had led her to do it. There were only so many times he could tell her he didn’t mean to call her Doc, or that he had no control over his dreams. He was inadvertently ruining his own marriage because of his nocturnal activities. “What did you tell her?” he asked.

“I told her, she needed to speak with you, John,” Marlena told him. “I’m not going to discuss you in that capacity with her. You were a patient for a few weeks. I won’t cross that boundary.”

“I–I appreciate that,” he said, wrapping up what was left of his sandwich, and putting it back inside the paper bag. He’d suddenly lost his appetite. John ran his hands through his hair, and stared at Marlena with eyes that carried a mixture of sadness and guilt. “I didn’t tell her… because I feel guilty. I shouldn’t. There is no reason for me to feel guilty. I think it’s… this time with you is mine. It’s ours.”

Marlena knew what he meant, and it was dangerous to start thinking that way. She also knew what he wasn’t saying, but neither one of them would ever say it aloud. “John…”

“Don’t worry about it, Doc. I’ll talk to Isabella. I’ll tell her I’ve switched therapists, and that I’m seeing Dr. Baker now.” He stood up, reaching for Marlena’s hand to pull her to her feet.

Once she was on her feet, she asked him, “What about our weekly chats?”

He sighed, “Isabella… she wouldn’t understand, and we’re–we’re not doing anything wrong, Doc. I’ll still stop by and see you.”

Marlena whispered, staring up at him, “Then why does it feel wrong?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Here’s a bombshell for you

Turns out I’ve been lying too

Yeah, I’m a white liar

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena tried several times to slip her feet into her shoes to no avail. Losing her balance, she sat back down in frustration, she asked John softly in resignation, “Can you hand me my shoes?”

Bending over to pick them up, he noticed that the swelling seemed to have gotten worse since she’d removed them. “Doc, I don’t think those shoes are going back on.”

She lifted her foot, staring at it with a frown. “John do you mind…”

“Do you still keep them in the cupboard in the bathroom?” he asked her, heading in that direction.

“Yes,” she called after him, realizing that a pair of white sneakers were going to ruin the aesthetic of her outfit. 

“How is Roman and Bo’s case against Raffi Torres going?” John asked as he brought out the tennis shoes. “I know Carly is worried. Isabella mentioned it.”

“That means you know more than I do. Roman tells me nothing about the cases he’s working on,” Marlena told him, slipping her foot into her shoes. “Oh, G-d! These shoes feel amazing.”

John watched her reaction to the soft leather, as it slid onto her swollen feet. He was worried about her. Marlena lifted her eyes, and he knew she was reading his face like a book.

She didn’t want to talk about what she knew John was ready to bring up. Standing up, she said, “I’m fine, John. I’m fine. Roman isn’t home much, because of this case, and I’m just tired more than usual. I’m chasing after the twins, and taking care of the house–”

“-who’s taking care of you?” he interrupted, grabbing her wrist as she tried to walk by. 

Marlena attempted to shake him off, but he held firm. “I can take care of myself, besides I have this gorgeous man named John Black who randomly brings me sandwiches, and pickles.”

“You do?” he asked her with a sexy grin, finding humor in her flirting. 

Marlena’s belly fluttered, and she wasn’t certain if it was the baby or her reaction to John. “Honestly, John… I’m fine. As soon as Roman and Bo wrap up this case, I’m sure he’ll be home more often.”

He wasn’t so sure, but he released his hold on her wrist. Pushing the hair back, he kissed her forehead softly, and said, “Next week?”

“Next week,” she whispered.

*SONG: White Liar – Miranda Lambert

Chapter 6 – Before You Go

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I fell by the wayside like everyone else

I hate you, I hate, you, I hate you but I was just kidding myself

Our every moment, I start to replace

‘Cause now that they’re gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

August 13, 1992

Dr. Marlena Evans Office, Salem University Hospital

Marlena stared at the file in her hand unseeing. She wasn’t even sure why she’d come to work. It would have been understandable if she’d take the day off. Dr. Horton certainly wouldn’t have expected her to come to work after finding out that Roman had left the family in the middle of the night. Rolling her head on her shoulders, Marlena tried to release some of the tension. She felt another fluttery kick in her belly as the baby rolled, and she felt overwhelmed. How could he do this to her? She’d known something was off about Roman’s behavior, and he knew she was worried. He knew, and still he played the part of the caring husband. Telling her to set the alarm for him to get up at five am, telling her he might pick up donuts for breakfast the following morning. He played her for a fool, and then drove away in a black ISA vehicle. She wasn’t certain he held any regard for her emotions. How could he, and lie so convincingly to her face? She thought about the night before, when she woke to find the bed empty, and rushed downstairs to find him dressed as if he were going out. She’d panicked, but he had been nothing but calm, reassuring her that she was overreacting, and then he’d left her sobbing at their front door.

Roman led her towards the couch, “There’s no reason for you to be doing this.”

Marlena attempted to regain control of her panicked breathing, “I know. I know. I know you’re right. I guess, I just… woke up, and then the empty bed, and I didn’t…”

“Whoa, whoa whoa,” Roman said in a soft voice, trying to reassure her. “No wait. I mean the bed may be empty, but the sheets are still warm, I bet.” He smirked at her, “I mean… memories”

Marlena wiped at her tears, “That’s it. The memory. It wasn’t that we made love, it was just–it was–”

“What?” he asked her, wiping at her tears. “It was just what?”

“It was the way we made love. It was as though… you were trying to create a memory that you could have for a very long time,” she cried, unsure of how to explain to him what she was feeling.

Roman wiped at the tears on her cheeks, “I just thought I’d go for a walk.”

“Now?” she asked him in confusion. It was nearly midnight.

“Well, yeah. Once around the block. Loosen up the old back,” he laughed. 

She didn’t know what it was, but she was afraid that if she allowed him to leave her sight, she might not see him again. “Why don’t we go back upstairs, and I’ll, I’ll get some of that aspirin lotion–”

“–oh, no! You know how much I hate the smell of that stuff,” he told her standing up.

Marlena followed him almost in a panic, reaching for his arm frantically, “But–”

“–no, no, no, no, no! Besides, um, uh… we’re out of coffee,” he said.

She stared at him for a second, “Coffee?

“Yeah. Yeah. You know. That, uh, brown gritty stuff that I make in the morning with hot water?” Roman replied teasingly.

Starting to calm down, Marlena smacked at his chest, and laughed, “No. I know, but I sent Mabel out for coffee already. I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”

Roman started walking towards the front door, “Well, I couldn’t find any. So you can talk to her about it in the morning…”

Barely a minute after Roman closed the front door behind him, Marlena found the coffee tucked into a shopping bag near the kitchen. The coffee was there, and Roman had known it was there, meaning he had lied to her. She’d run to the front door, her bare feet barely touching the carpet, but it was too late. Roman was already pulling away in the back of an unmarked, black car mostly likely owned by the ISA. He’d left her again, and she wasn’t sure she could forgive him this time. The lack of regard that went into a decision like that was unfathomable. However Roman chose to spin it, he’d made another decision that impacted their marriage without consulting her. To Marlena, it was a direct reflection of how little he valued her, whether as a professional or as a life partner. The worst part was, she couldn’t help but compare his actions to John, because John would never do that to her.

The door to Marlena’s office opened with a soft whisper across the carpet, and Marlena looked up from the scattered files in front of her. An interruption wouldn’t matter. She couldn’t focus anyway. Again, she thought about why she’d bothered to come to work at all. Maybe, it was because she’d known John would come see her today. Without him even saying so the night before, she knew she would see him today. The night before she’s been an emotional wreck. She could still hear Roman’s lie slip so easily from his lips, “Besides, um, uh… we’re out of coffee...” Even once John had left her house, she’d known that he wouldn’t leave her to her pain. He’d called her before bed, the sound of his husky voice, thick with empathy, filling her ear and asking her softly if she would be okay for the night. She’d lied, telling him she was exhausted and getting ready for bed, and then she’d stayed up until nearly 3 am. 

She tried to smile at him as he came into her office quietly. It was a quivering, disingenuous smile, and he could read it a mile away. Closing the door behind him, he turned the latch on the lock for privacy, and rounded her desk. Fat, hot tears were falling from her eyes before he even reached her. “Doc,” he whispered, turning her desk chair to face him, and kneeling in front of her. “Doc, why did you come to work today?”

“I don’t know,” she cried quietly. She fell into his open arms, and somehow ended up in his lap behind her desk on the floor. “I thought it would be a distraction. I thought if I stayed busy…” Marlena hiccuped and whispered, “I thought it wouldn’t be this bad. I thought I could come to work and bury myself in files.” 

“Let me take you home,” he told her, wiping the tears from her flushed face. His arm wrapped around her, supporting her back as she leaned against him. He almost shivered as one of her tears slipped down his neck. Lifting her face to look at him, he whispered, “This isn’t good for you or the baby.”

She couldn’t say anything. The words wouldn’t come, and she continued to cry. Roman had left them again. The twins. Carrie. Her and the baby. He’d left to run off and search for Bo. He said he left to protect them from Raffi Torres. What she didn’t understand was how Roman believed that by leaving them, he was protecting them. 

“He–he doesn’t love me,” she cried softly. “He couldn’t. Not really… or he wouldn’t continue to do this. He wouldn’t continue to undermine me at my job, or in this marriage. Carrie is going to be destroyed. He wouldn’t leave his family behind and leave them vulnerable–”

“–he thinks’s he’s–”

“–stop!” she said in a louder voice. “Please stop. I don’t need you to be on Roman’s team right now, John… I need you to be on mine. Please.”

John sighed. He was on her team. He hated Roman right then, but he was trying to keep that to himself. It wouldn’t help Marlena at all if he told her he wanted to beat the shit out of her husband. It wouldn’t help her to hear him say that he would have never hurt her this way. So he stayed quiet, and let her speak. “When he left us in 1984, the twins were barely a month old. He made a decision that impacted our family without even consulting me, and he was gone for seven years… and I know that wasn’t his fault. I’ve never blamed him for what Stefano did to him… but I do blame him for leaving, for making us vulnerable.”

John reached his hand up, cupping her neck under the fall of her hair, “Because Stefano kidnapped the twins?”

“I thought I would die,” she said softly. “Roman was thought dead… and then I lost my children. I had recurring flashbacks of losing D.J., and I–I had to find strength I didn’t even know I possessed to get them back. Now he’s–he’s left us again. For our own protection of course, right? But are we really safe? Or has he left us wide open with nothing to keep us safe if Raffi Torres decides that we are now the target?”

“Oh, baby.” His thumb caressed the soft skin where her heartbeat pulsed in her neck, and he told her, “I’ll get some security on the house… or we can call Abe to see about getting some officers over there–”

Another sob wrenched free of her lungs, as she cried, “–but that’s just it! Don’t you see?”

And he did. He did see. Roman had claimed he left them to protect them, without considering what he was leaving behind. He’d arranged nothing by way of keeping them safe, and he hadn’t considered what could happen in his absence.

John reached out, brushing her hair from her forehead, “Let me take you home, Marlena. We can get your car later. Just leave it in the parking garage.”

She stared at him with her tear filled eyes, and she whispered, “He begged me for a second chance. He said the entire time Stefano had him he’d been thinking of me… and the children… I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“We don’t have to understand it, Doc. He felt like he was protecting you–”

“–don’t you dare defend him!” she cried, pushing him away, rolling away from him, and standing. “He left us! There’s no defense for that!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

When you hurt under the surface

Like troubled water running cold

Well, time can heal, but this won’t

So, before you go

Was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John followed her as she started walking towards the small bathroom, “Doc, your life was in jeopardy.Your life! If he stayed here, Torres could come right inside your house, and–”

Marlena turned on him, fire in her eyes, “–he still could! Don’t you see that? I don’t need a hero! I need a husband! I needed him! But he left us. He left me, and the children… he left our baby! He chose his job over us!”

“Oh, no,” John tried to tell her, reaching out to still her hands as they moved over the buttons of her jacket. “He believed that if he stayed he was a marked man, and then you and the kids would have been next!”

“Maybe we already are!” she screamed, shrugging her jacket off. She tossed it over the back of the couch, staring up at John with fury in her eyes, “I don’t care what his reasons are anymore. The fact is, he’s gone, and I have to figure out how to tell Carrie, and the twins. I have to figure out how I’m going to have this baby on my own, because we don’t know when he’s coming back, do we? My children have no father, and I have no husband, but by G-d he’s got his job, doesn’t he?”

Marlena wiped at her tears furiously with the back of her hand, and pushed her tangled hair from her face, before turning to walk into the bathroom. John followed her, standing in the doorway helplessly as she reached into the cabinet, and pulled out a clean washcloth. She was wearing a chemise that pulled tightly over her breasts and her growing abdomen. She was fucking gorgeous. There was no denying it, and Roman was a fucking idiot for walking away. John wasn’t sure what to do, or what to say. Marlena was justified in her anger, and he was furious for her. He didn’t believe one word of his defense of Roman. He’d only said it to try and console her in an attempt to sooth her obviously broken heart. When she turned to face him, he almost fell backwards with the force of the pain on her face.

“What do I do?” she asked him helplessly. 

He stepped forward, taking the wash cloth from her hands. Turning to the sink, he wet it, making sure the temperature was warm but not overwhelming. When he turned back around she was staring up at him, lost, sad, confused, and absolutely beautiful. Softly he started to wipe the mascara that had run under her eyes, picking up the trails as gently and as lovingly as he could. Roman had destroyed her, and he would be lucky if John didn’t beat the shit out of him the next time they came face to face. 

“You know, Doc,” he said gently. “I’m not sure, but we’ll figure it out. You’re not alone in this. I think though, that you should take a few days off of work. You can’t work like this. The stress isn’t good for you, or the baby.”

“How do I… how do I tell the twins, and Carrie, John? They just got him back… the twins, they’ve barely accepted him.” She didn’t add that Sami still cried out for John in her sleep, dreaming of the last night he’d put her to bed. She didn’t add that Eric refused to eat pancakes unless his daddy made them. Now Roman had left, and whatever progress had been made would be lost. The twins already trusted so slowly.

“Do you think you’re alone?” he asked her, tipping his face down to hers. He stroked his fingers across her cheek in a gentle caress.

She wanted to fall into him, wrap her arms around him, and stay there. It wasn’t possible. He wasn’t hers. Instead she reached for the washcloth in his hand, and took it. Turning to face the mirror, she stared at herself for a brief moment before she started washing her face clean of the destroyed makeup. 

John recognized the exact moment she shut down. Her eyes went blank, and she said, “I am alone, John. At least in this I am. Roman made sure of that.”

John felt like what she said had a double meaning. She was alone because Roman had left, but was she also alone because she’d given Roman his second chance? “You’ve got me,” he whispered.

“No, I don’t. I don’t, John, and I don’t have a right to expect that either. You have a wife. That’s your obligation. I was Roman’s, and he’s left me behind.” She laid the cloth on the side of the sink, and stared at herself for a moment. “I got through it on my own before… and I can do it again.” Her eyes met John’s in the mirror as she said, “But I don’t think I can forgive him this time. Not this time.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

If only I’d known you had a storm to weather

So, before you go

Was there something I could have said to make it all stop hurting?

It kills me how your mind could make you feel so worthless

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena and Roman Brady Residence

When John unlocked Marlena’s front door, she was already half asleep from wearing herself out with the tears. She had cried during most of the drive, but she’d managed to hold it in until they left the hospital. He supported most of her weight as he led her through the front door, and closed it softly behind them. She’d become incredibly quiet, not speaking a word once her sobs had quieted to gentle hiccups. The house was silent when John asked her in a gentle voice, “The twins?”

“They’re with Caroline,” she replied barely above a whisper. “Just for a few days… until…”

“I understand.” Bending down he scooped her legs up , and turned towards the stairs.

She didn’t have the energy to argue with him, or ask him what he was doing. Laying her head on his shoulder she sighed and closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel cared for for the first time in weeks. The baby kicked strongly, a solid firm kick, when before they had merely been fluttering, and John stopped walking. “Was that…?”

Marlena smiled sleepily against his neck, “Yes. You felt that?”

He continued ascending the stairs, as he told her, “Yeah. I felt it. It was strong.”

She didn’t respond, instead closing her eyes and feeling herself drift off. She was so tired, and he was so warm, and so safe. She didn’t even realize where she was until she felt the blankets being pulled up over her. Opening her drowsy eyes, she whispered, “Thank you… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He touched her cheek softly, bending close and kissing her temple, “I’ll check on you later, Doc. Get some sleep.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

When you hurt under the surface

Like troubled water running cold

Well, time can heal, but this won’t

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*Before You Go – Lewis Capaldi

Chapter 7 – Underwater

**TRIGGER WARNING** Violence and late term miscarriage.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You and I are here

Underwater

Seconds are so dear

Underwater

I’m searching for a light

To draw me closer

I hold my breath in tight

Bring me closer

I feel your touch

Will you pull me up again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

August 14, 1992

Marlena and Roman Brady Residence

John jumped from his Jeep, feeling the cool early morning air brush across his skin. He could smell Alice Horton’s prized rose from across the lawn separating them, and memories rushed at him. He softly closed the to his vehicle to minimize the amount of sound he was making, and walked towards Marlena’s house. It was dark, which wasn’t suspicious on its own, but as he approached the front door a sinking feeling settled low in his gut. The exterior light was off, and the door was ajar – an immediate cause for alarm. Marlena would never leave her door unsecured. He remembered when they were married, that she would sometimes run downstairs before bed to ensure that she had locked it. Glancing around there was nothing else amiss outside. Coming closer to the door, he pushed it open carefully. A thud sounded upstairs, and he called out, “Marlena? Doc?”

Another loud thud, followed by the sound of breaking glass, and he was running, taking the stairs two at a time, his heart racing and his pulse pounding. Halfway up the stairs, a crashing sound, and then Marlena’s scream. “Doc?” he cried out.

Just as he reached the landing, a gunshot rang out, chilling him to the depths of his soul. Was it Marlena who fired, or someone else? “Doc!”

The scene that met his eyes when he entered the bedroom broke his heart. Marlena cowered on the floor near her bed, the end table tipped over. In her trembling hands she held a gun, as her eyes stared blankly at the man lying dead on the floor in front of her. The light in the room was minimal, and John reached over, turning on the lights. 

As if in slow motion, Marlena turned her face towards him, and John choked, “Oh, baby!” John’s heart was wrenched. She was battered, her face almost unrecognizable. Tiny cuts across her cheek were bleeding, and her tears mixed with the blood as they trailed over her face. When she saw John, something snapped in her. She gave up, and all the fight she’d had in her melted away. Her hands fell, the gun landing on the dark carpet in front of her knees, as she collapsed and fell against the bed with a sob. John ran to her, and gathered her into his arms, “Doc! Oh, G-d! Doc! Baby!”

Brushing his hands over her, he examined her, noting the bruising on the inside of her arms, her face, and around her neck. Her nightgown was torn, and he softly brushed his large palm over her swollen belly praying that the baby would be okay. He had a brief moment of panic trying to clear his mind enough to figure out what to do, a million thoughts at once – call the police, take care of Marlena, call the hospital. 

Marlena’s head rolled back, staring up at him with sadness. It was too late. She felt a deep ache, and the rising pain inside her womb. It twisted and pulled. Nausea rolled over her, and she moaned as another gut wrenching ache tore at her.  It was too late. John’s eyes held hers, a safe place in a world of agony, but it was too late. She already knew… it was too late. Her arm shook with weakness as she tried to touch his face, fighting the feeling of blissful blackness pulling her down into the welcome unconsciousness, and she gripped John’s hair tightly, sobbing softly, “The baby… it’s too late.”

“I’ll get you to the hospital, Doc. Don’t worry, I’ll–” John felt a gush of warmth, and wetness across his lap. Thick and viscous, Marlena’s blood soaked his clothing. All John could see was deep crimson, and he realized immediately she was dying. John screamed, “Oh no! Oh, no! Doc! No!”

She was in his arms, and he was running for the front door in mere seconds, leaving the dead man on the floor where he lay.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It’s not so bad down here

Underwater

Once you get past the fear

Underwater

I sense you through the haze

Just like a memory

We’ve been down here for days

I feel your touch

Will you pull me up again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

August 15, 1992

Salem University Hospital

Abe pushed the door to Marlena’s hospital room open quietly. He didn’t expect to see John asleep, and yet, he sat beside her bed, his body laying forward with his face resting on her thigh, eyes closed. The way he held her hand – the way his cheek rested against her – it was intimate. Abe had an officer watching her room, and he knew that John hadn’t left her side since she’d arrived. He was still wearing pale blue cotton hospital scrubs. Approaching slowly, Abe reached out, tapping John’s shoulder softly. “John…”

Lifting his head, it took John a moment to realize where he was. Upon looking at Marlena, the realization hit him like the weight of a black hole. Looking up at Abe with hard eyes, John said in a rough voice, “You’re not welcome here, Abraham. I already told you that.”

Even before he came, he knew that this might be the way John reacted. He’d attempted to speak with him the day before, and John had punched him. He could still feel the ache in his jaw. He’d deserved it, at least he’d thought so at the time. Marcus was the one who pulled John away, and Abe had decided to come at another time. This was that time. As gently as he could, he said, “For the investigation, I have to ask some questions about the other night–”

“–send someone else. I’m not speaking to you, and once Doc wakes up, she won’t want to see you either,” he bitterly. “You owe us that.” He couldn’t even stand to look at Abe without wanting to blame him for everything. He wanted to blame him for allowing Roman back on the force, for allowing Roman to desert his family again, and for helping him do it… no matter how good his intentions. Marlena lay in that hospital bed teetering on the brink of death in part because of Abe assisting Roman in a plan that was fucked up from the beginning. “I can’t stand to look at you right now. Send someone else.”

“I’m sorry,” Abe said softly. “This… none of this was supposed to happen…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John was almost running when he entered the hospital emergency room carrying Marlena’s unconscious body in his arms. Her head hung over his arm, and her eyes were open, but unseeing. A bluish tinge had come over her lips, and a pallor over her skin. He knew she was slipping away. John’s legs shook as he stumbled to the nurses station, partly from exertion, and partly from fear. All around him was silent, and yet he knew it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. It was a cacophony. People were yelling, a gurney was being run over to him. It had to be noisy, and yet, all he heard and all he saw was Marlena. Her strangled breathing, the way sweat soaked her clothing and her hair clung to her skin. The cuts and abrasions across her soft delicate skin, and occasionally those hazel eyes would close, and another tear would slip free, shaking his world.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John could barely speak for the rage coursing through him. Why the fuck wouldn’t Abe go away? He stood up and roared, “But it did! Didn’t it? Nobody intended for Marlena to become a target of Torres, did they? Not you. Not Roman. But guess what? Here she lies in a coma, fighting for her life…her baby gone, and you want to ask me fucking questions about the other night? Go the fuck away, Abe. Send someone else. Send Schofield, but I’m not speaking to you. Not right now.”

Abe sighed heavily, “I could have you brought in–”

“–but you won’t,” John told him, sitting back down, and lifting Marlena’s hand to his lips. Softly, his voice as cold as ice, John said, “You won’t, because you know you fucked up. I told you… I fucking told you, Abe! I came to your office, and I said she needed a security detail. I begged you! Do you remember that? She needed officers watching the fucking house!” John’s eyes welled with tears, “And you assured me, Roman was the target. Roman! So, I hired my own people, and now one of them is dead…and…Doc…”

John was right. Every word out of his mouth, even laced with vitriol, sadness, and rage, it was all true. Abe had known from the start that Roman’s plan had flaws, and he was never comfortable with something that left the potential for people to get hurt. He’d allowed himself to be swayed by Roman’s arguments, and in the end, Roman was able to convince him that Marlena would be safer if he left Salem. Abe stared at her in the bed, battered, covered with bruises in varying shades of green, purple, and yellow, and guilt washed over him. Softly, he said, “I’ll send Brian. Are you going home to the loft?”

“No,” John replied, sitting back down. He took up Marlena’s hand again, saying, “I’ll be here.”

As Abe was leaving, he held the door for Caroline. John looked up at her, and she nearly started crying herself. He looked like a broken man. Perhaps he was. At one time, he’d promised to love Marlena for life, and he’d never really had a choice in breaking that promise. It was taken from him. Caroline stepped closer, reaching out, and wrapping her arm around his shoulder. In the next instant, John turned, pressing his face into her abdomen, and slipped both arms around her hips. He sobbed into her like a child. Her fingers threaded through his hair, as she whispered, “Oh, John…”

There was really nothing else she could say. It was a tragedy. She’d told the twins that morning that Marlena was in the hospital, and that she’d lost the baby. She hadn’t told them anything else. She wasn’t sure how to. They didn’t know Roman had left them, and they didn’t know Marlena had been attacked. They weren’t even eight years old yet. They had asked her several times to see their mother, but as she scanned over Marlena’s face, she realized that she would have to find a way to keep them away. Marlena’s eyes were so swollen, that when she did wake, Caroline doubted she would be able to open them. Dr. Hunter had barely been able to save her life. 

“How is she?” she whispered.

John wiped at his tears, lifting his head, “There was a placental abruption… from–from where he punched her several times… massive blood loss. Marcus was barely able to save her uterus… but he managed. She’s had four blood transfusions since her surgery. Marcus was talking about doing another ultrasound today, to check for bleeding. He wants to be sure it’s stopped.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

He stared down at his wet blood soaked jeans with blurry eyes. How long had it been since they’d rushed Marlena into surgery? How many hours? But then he realized that it couldn’t have been, because the blood on his pants was still moist… or maybe that was only because there was so much of it. He looked at his fingernails, and the blood caked in lines of his palms, and a sob choked in his chest. Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe, as if his world was collapsing. His hands gripped the armrests, squeezing so hard he felt the crack in his knuckles. He tried to take a deep breath, unable to get the air in his lungs, and all he saw was Marlena’s battered face staring up at him as she whispered, “It’s too late.” And he knew it was. It was impossible to lose that amount of blood and save her baby. John knew he was selfish, maybe even brutal, but he would make sure that Marcus did whatever he had to do to save Marlena’s life. If the baby was already gone… they had to save Doc.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“I think…” Caroline said. “I think Marlena is going to need you… when Roman comes back. I know her. She was already angry that he’d left again… this… she’s going to blame him for losing–”

John stood up from his chair, clenching his fists several times before speaking. “Is she wrong, Caroline?”

Caroline started to speak, “Roman made a mistake, but–”

“But, what? How many mistakes does he get? How many?” John paced the room once, coming back to stand in front of her. “This is going to destroy her, Caroline. Losing her son… another son! Roman has irrevocably broken her heart, and she’s not even awake to know it yet.”

Caroline loved Roman so much, she found herself making excuses for him, “John! He didn’t know! He wouldn’t have left Salem if he’d thought–”

“–Roman is impulsive! He doesn’t think things through! He makes stupid decisions in the heat of the moment, and because of that Marlena lost the bab–”

“–no!”

“Yes! You forget… I have his memories. I have them all. They may be fuzzy and muted, but the emotions are raw. I have all of those,” John told her. He stared at Marlena for a moment. “He left her to go after Stefano when the twins were babies, and she suffered. You know how much she suffered… Bo told me it nearly killed her, and when he came home last year, she gave him another chance. You would think he would have taken it, and treasured it. He should have coached every team the twins were on, he should have gone to recitals, and science fairs, he should have made breakfast on Saturdays and gone roller skating… but he didn’t. He didn’t do any of those things, instead he buried himself in this obsession with bringing down Raffi Torres! Now, he’s gone and abandoned his family again. Sure, what happened is a horrible tragedy… but you’re right, she can’t – I don’t think she will ever be able to forgive Roman for this.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It’s all the same to me

Underwater

I cannot make a sound

But I can listen

I can’t tell up from down

And now I miss them

I feel your touch

Will you pull me up again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

August 16, 1992

“Are you planning on coming home soon?” Isabella asked him softly, standing near the door to Marlena’s hospital room.

John stared at his fingers laced through Marlena’s. Her hand was so small, her fingers so delicate. In the last two days, he’d barely left her side to eat, shower, and go to the restroom. He hadn’t been home, and he knew he should. He had a wife, and then there was Brady. He needed to leave, but something kept stopping him. He couldn’t give voice to it out loud, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Marlena waking up alone only to realize the baby was gone. She’d be so scared, and the heartbreak – could she handle that pain by herself? Did she have to, if he could be with her?

He was stuck, frozen and in limbo. His mind was flashing back to her coma six years earlier. He could still picture her laying in the hospital bed, so vulnerable, and Carrie’s pain had been as hard to deal with then, as it was now. He stared at Marlena’s abdomen, still slightly rounded where she’d held her child only days before. She was going to need someone, and with Roman gone, who did she have? John was well aware that he was Marlena’s best friend, and she would always have him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marcus stood in front of John outside the morgue in the hospital basement, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I need to see him,” John whispered. “For Doc. I need to be able to tell her that his fingers and toes were perfect. The color of his hair… I need to be able to give her this, because when she wakes up…”

“I understand… I do. Is there–is there a memorial arranged?” Marcus asked him.

“I can’t even think about that,” John replied, following him into the cold room. “I keep thinking Doc will wake up, and she… she would want to be a part of this.

Marcus took a deep breath, “I understand. I really do… but the hospital morgue–”

“–they want the body moved?” John whispered. “I–I understand. I can make arrangements.”

On a large metal table in the center of the room, lay Marlena’s son covered by a small blue towel. Nothing larger was needed since he was so small. Marcus folded the towel back, and John started weeping again. The baby’s skin was so thin it was almost translucent, and what little hair he had, covered his scalp in slight brown wisps. He was perfect, and he would have been her everything.

Softly, Marcus asked, “Did she have a name selected?”

“No… but I’ve been calling him Caleb,” John whispered, running his index finger over the small child’s chest. “It means ‘whole of my heart’. And that’s what he was. She would have given him her whole heart…the same way she does with all of her children.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

A soft knock sounded on the door, and John almost sighed in relief when Dr. Baker stuck her head in. She glanced between John and Isabella, saying, “Am I interrupting? I could come back later.”

Isabella almost screamed in frustration. She nearly rolled her eyes, as she asked, “Who are you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Whitney said with a smile. “I’m Dr. Baker.” She entered the room, her eyes scanning over John in concern. Marcus had called her earlier to let her know he was concerned about John’s behavior. She assumed the woman next to her was his wife.

John stood up, rolling his shoulders with a crack, “Isabella… this is Dr. Baker, my therapist.”

Isabella’s eyes went wide in surprise, “Your therapist? I thought you were seeing Marlena?”

“I switched,” was his only reply. He didn’t have the energy to elaborate, although he knew Isabella would have questions. He’d told Marlena that he was going to tell Isabella the truth, but he hadn’t. He’d put it off. 

Dr. Baker looked between John and Isabella. John was very obviously fatigued and emotionally drained. Isabella seemed angry, frustrated. If what Marcus had told her over the telephone was true, then Isabella had a right to be feeling that way, and from the looks of John… she was going to have a hard time getting through to him.

“John?” she said softly. “I was wondering if we might speak?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You’re just in sight

Will you save my life again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

August 17, 1992

Dr. Baker had managed to talk him into going home, at least for the night. He would shower, eat, and spend time with his wife and son. He had agreed that he would return the following day at a normal hour. All of it chafed, but he’d agreed out of a sense of duty. He was too upset, fatigued, and overwhelmed to contemplate too deeply about why. In truth, he already knew. He still loved Marlena. He’d denied it for months, but if he’d learned anything in the last few days it was that he was amazing at lying to himself. He ran his fingers over Marlena’s palm one last time before turning to look at Alice Horton, “You’ll stay with her?”

“I’ve already worked it out with Maggie, darling,” Alice told him sweetly. “I’ll be with her this evening, and Maggie will be here for her during the night.”

“And… if she wakes up, you’ll call me?” he asked her.

Alice came to stand next to him, picking up Marlena’s hand gently. She looked up at him, and he believed her, as she said, “I promise it will be the first thing I do.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You and I are here

Underwater

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Underwater – Vertical Horizon

Chapter 8 – Bigger Than the Whole Sky

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

No words appear before me in the aftermath

Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears

Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness

‘Cause it’s all over now

All out to sea

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

September 2, 1992

Salem University Hospital

John threw open the door to Marlena’s room so fast, it hit the wall with a dull thud, bouncing off of the rubber stopper behind it. Alice turned as the shaft of light in the hallway shone across the floor into the darkened room. She put her finger to her lips to quiet him, and he realized Marlena was asleep. Alice had called him just after 3 am to let him know that Marlena was regaining consciousness. He’d pulled on a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants with his joggers, barely stopping to kiss Isabella. He was out of the house in less than seven minutes. 

His eyes were wide as he asked Alice in a rough voice, “Did she?”

Alice stood up, motioning for John to follow her as she walked out into the hallway. He followed silently, pulling the door closed behind him. Alice placed a calming hand on his arm, “She did wake up, and Tom was by to check on her. She’s incredibly tired, even though she’s been asleep for nearly three weeks. She was also in a lot of pain, you remember that she had quite a large incision from her surgery. She didn’t realize and in her haste to sit up, it strained. So, she was given some pain medicine.”

“But she spoke?” he asked excitedly. “She recognized you, and she was cognizant?”

“Well, she was… cognizant, but it’s complicated. I think it would be best if you spoke with Tom,” Alice hedged.

John glanced towards Marlena’s hospital room, staring through the window into her room, “What aren’t you telling me, Alice?”

“She has amnesia. Not in the sense that she’s forgotten everything, mind you, but… she’s confused, and some of her information is… jumbled.” Alice’s voice trailed off, because she didn’t really know what else to say. Tom would be able to better explain what was going on.

John pushed his fingers through his hair as he whispered loudly, “She’s confused? What, exactly, is she confused about?”

A relieved sigh escaped her, when Tom rounded the corner. “Oh, Tom, dear!” she called. “John’s here, and maybe you could explain what’s happening with Marlena better than me.”

Tom walked over, and John thought about how much he’d seemed to age over the last five years. He was slowing down. So was Alice, but both of them were still alert. “Hello, John… I’m glad you’re here.” Shaking his hand, Tom told him, “We think Marlena has amnesia, but it’s not complete amnesia. We knew there was a  possibility of this happening due to the traumatic nature of her injuries, and the loss of her child at such a late juncture… and because she’s disassociated before when she lost D.J., when her sister died… and then Renee.”

John knew what Tom was talking about. All three of those deaths had hit her so hard that she’d struggled to maintain her hold on reality. There had been nights when he and Marlena were married that she would wake up screaming, and he would hold her, rocking her body against his as she talked about the losses in her life that never seemed to leave. She even dreamed about the day Abe shot Richard Cates. He was well aware that Marlena had lost too much. 

“I wasn’t sure at first,” Tom told him. “Because she was asking for Roman… but then when Alice mentioned calling you, John, she seemed to get very confused, and she corrected her.”

Alice said, “Marlena told me, ‘No, Alice…not John, remember? He’s Roman.’ ”

Tom nodded, “After a few more questions it became clear that she’s definitively suffering from memory loss, but it’s not complete. She believes that you are Roman, she believes that it’s late 91, possibly early this year, ‘92. She doesn’t remember Isabella… but she does remember being pregnant. However, she believes the baby she lost was your child.” John stood motionless, trying to process what Tom was saying, even as he continued, “She believes that she came home to you after five years. She remembers meeting you on the pier. She remembers some things that did happen, and it seems she’s manufactured others to fill in the blanks.”

“Can that happen? Tom, I’ve never heard of something like that.” John walked over to stare into Marlena’s room, where she lay so peacefully in the bed, and then he asked, “She believes we’re still married?”

“She does… and she’s mourning the baby she believes is yours,” Tom replied. “She started to become upset when Alice told her it was September of 1992, and she began to insist it could only be late December or early January. She strained her incision, causing her great pain. I decided it was best to sedate her, for the pain, and for the fear that she could get herself so upset she might slip back into a coma.”

Looking back towards Tom, John asked, “So, for now… it’s best to not tell her the truth.”

“As she gets stronger, and closer to being released, she will need to be told the truth, but I worry that right now any major shock or upset could undo the progress she’s made,” Tom said. “Just for the time being. A few more weeks at the most.”

“I understand,” John told him. “I’m going to go sit with her. I know it’s not visiting hours, but I’d like to be with her when she wakes again.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I’ve got a lot to pine about

I’ve got a lot to live without

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

He woke to the feeling of Marlena’s fingers lacing through his hair, soft and feathery. John moaned, rubbing his face against her thigh as his eyes fluttered back to life. Lifting his head he found himself staring into the most beautiful set of hazel eyes, “Marlena…oh G-d! Doc! You’re awake!” He was overcome with such an intense feeling of déjà vu, it almost overwhelmed him completely. Remembering another time, when she’d woken from a coma to stare at him with hazel eyes that pulled him in, and threatened to never let him go. 

She looked exhausted, and while the bruising on her face, neck and abdomen was fading, it was still a painting of violence across her skin in vivid hues of green and yellow. Her face was still swollen, and around her eyes were puffy even after three weeks.

She opened her mouth to speak, but her throat was so dry, she could only point to her mouth.

“You want some water, baby?” John jumped to his feet, rushing the hospital issue pink plastic pitcher to the sink to fill it. “Hold on.” Hurrying back to her bedside, he sloshed some water on the floor, as he reached for the matching pink cup. After pouring it, he put a straw in the water, tipping it towards her mouth carefully. 

Marlena took several long draws, pulling the cool liquid into her burning throat. Softly she asked, “Who has the children?”

“The twins are with…ma and pop,” John told her. Realizing he’d left out Carrie, he hastily added, “Carrie is too.”

Marlena’s face fell. She remembered her conversation with Alice, and felt her heart rate speed up. Their baby was gone. Tears filled her eyes, and she whispered, “Our baby… Roman… I lost our baby. ”

Lifting her hand to his lips, he kissed her softly, “It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. There was a tear in your placenta, and the bleeding was out of control–”

“–the baby couldn’t get enough oxygen,” she finished, wiping at her tears. As a doctor she knew the reasons, but as a mother, she struggled with it. “Was it a boy… or a girl”

John wiped at his own face, whispering, “A beautiful boy, Doc. Beautiful. He was absolutely perfect in every way… he was too small, and you lost too much blood.”

“Alice said I was attacked, and that’s why I… she said I almost died. If it hadn’t been for you, I would have died.” She stared at his finger’s laced with hers. “I don’t remember it. I don’t remember what happened.”

John kissed her knuckles again, “It will come to you, Doc. You’ve got to give it time, and you’re still recovering. There’s no rush.” All he cared about was that Marlena was awake, and she was talking. They could work on the rest, and her memory would return in time.

Marlena’s hand gripped John’s like a lifeline, “Did you hold him?”

“I did,” he told her. “He had the softest wisps of brown hair, the color of milk chocolate… and he was perfect… he just… he wasn’t ready for this world.”

Marlena choked on a sob, “Our baby… Roman…” 

John reached out, wiping the tears from her face, “I buried him with D.J. He’s with his big brother, and there’s no place safer.”

“With D.J.?” The pain was tearing her from the inside out. Another child gone from her life before she even had a chance to love him. The thought of her baby being buried with D.J. made her remember why she loved Roman so much. Why she’d always loved him. “Does he have a name?”

“Caleb,” John said softly.

“Caleb?” Marlena repeated, with a small smile, thinking about the small child she’d carried within her womb. She remembered his kicks, and rolls. She thought about the hope she’d had. 

“It means, whole of my heart. That’s what he was for you… for us. I wanted your input, but you were… it’s been so long.” John started crying. Pretending the baby she lost was his, hurt even more. It shouldn’t have, but it did. It made him think about what they’d been, and what they no longer had. “I was worried you might never wake up, and so I named him without you. Caleb Augustus Brady.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’m got a lot to live without

I’m never gonna meet

What could’ve been, would’ve been

What should’ve been you

What could’ve been, would’ve been you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John walked into Marlena’s room just as Marcus was brushing tears from her cheeks with his thumbs, and murmuring kind words to her. Jealousy bloomed in his gut like acid, even though he knew he had no right. Marlena looked at him with teary eyes, wiping the back of her hands over her face quickly, Oh! I didn’t want you to see me crying again, Roman.”

“Doc… you can cry as much as you want,” he said, glaring at Marcus before quickly coming to her bedside. He wasn’t sure what was going on but Marlena was in no position to be dealing with anything else. Sitting down, he took her hand in his and said to Marcus without turning around, “I’m sure you need to finish your rounds, Dr. Hunter. Marlena will be fine with me here.”

Marcus knew he was being dismissed, but he was also concerned about Marlena. Roman had abandoned her, and when she found out that John was John, she would be devastated. Nothing could be done about it. She was still too weak to know the truth. Her blood pressure was still fluctuating, and if it went too high she could have seizures. With one last smile at Marlena, he left the room.

“I was dreaming about Caleb when Marcus came in,” she told him barely above a whisper. “I imagine that he would have played baseball… maybe, he would like fishing. I woke up and you weren’t here, and I started thinking, what if you were gone too? What if I had to live my life alone, and I don’t know, I panicked. I started sobbing, and Marcus was here. He’s– he was so kind to me.”

“He came to Salem after… after we thought you were gone.” John cleared the emotion from his throat. He was still troubled by the way Marcus was staring at Marlena, as if he were half in love with her, when she’d barely been out of her coma for a few hours. Maybe he’d fallen for her while she was in a coma. Whatever it was, it didn’t sit right with him. “He grew up with Steve. They’re old friends.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia?

Did some force take you because I didn’t pray?

Every single thing to come has turned into ashes

‘Cause it’s all over, it’s

Not meant to be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena’s eyes felt heavy, and she whispered, “Will you lay with me? And hold me?”

John felt himself at war. He wanted to climb onto her bed, and pull her into his arms. As her husband there would have been no question. But he wasn’t her husband. He watched as apprehension filled her eyes, and he knew she was questioning everything. He stood up, slipping his arms underneath her. Lifting her gently, he shifted her to the other side, and he climbed onto the bed next to her. His gut clenched, when she slid her arm across his abdomen, and whispered, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” he replied. And he did. He missed her every day. He missed her more than he should. Tracing his fingers along her jaw, he whispered, “Go to sleep, Doc. Healing is a lot of work.”

He felt her hot tears soaking the front of his shirt, before he heard her first sobs, and it nearly broke his heart. Another child. She was grieving, and even though she didn’t recall all of the details, John felt like she was grieving Roman too. She was grieving her marriage. She was grieving the trust she’d placed in him, the trust Roman had so carelessly thrown back at her, and when she learned the truth, John knew he was going to have to be her strongest ally. Holding her close, he felt a tear slip from his own eye. To love her this much, and watch her suffer was heartbreak of its own, but knowing the pain he would see in her eyes when she learned the truth, that probably hurt more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

So I’ll say words I don’t believe

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: Bigger Than the Whole Sky – Taylor Swift

Chapter 9 – I Want to Hold Your Hand

September 3, 1992

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Oh yeah I’ll tell you somethin’

I think you’ll understand

When I say that somethin’

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s eyes fluttered open staring into Dr. Hunter’s dark brown eyes when she felt his cool fingers against her wrist. The sun was just rising, leaving the sky a rainbow of yellows and pinks, so she knew it was early. Roman had been with her the night before when she’d fallen asleep, but as she glanced around with tired eyes, she realized he was gone. Sadness swept over her, even though she knew it was unrealistic to have him with her the whole time.  “Where is Roman?”

Marcus was quiet for a moment, feeling horrible about perpetuating this lie, but he said, “He had to run home to shower and change. He wanted to spend time with… the twins.” He continued to take her pulse, holding her wrist in his hand for slightly longer than necessary. He was half in love with her. How could he not be? Those mossy green hazel eyes held secrets he wanted to learn. The way she smiled, and the softness in her voice. Laying her arm down, he told her, “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

“He’s such a good father,” she sighed. And he was. She couldn’t, she wouldn’t, have picked anyone else. “Sami thinks Roman hung the moon, and Eric… Eric wants to be just like his daddy.”

“He is an excellent father,” Marcus murmured. That wasn’t a lie. He’d lived in Salem long enough to watch Roman Brady juggle parenthood and being a police officer. But John wasn’t Roman Brady anymore, and eventually Marlena would find out. Finding out wouldn’t mean that she would immediately get her memory back either. Instead, she would be left with a hole in her heart knowing that the man she loved more than anything was not hers. She would be left with days worth of memories – memories of Roman’s love and care while she was hospitalized – only to learn that he wasn’t her husband at all. Marcus knew Marlena loved John. She had to. Why else would her mind have omitted Roman and Isabella? Why else would she have clung so strongly to her memories of John as Roman? 

Marcus recalled his conversation with Isabella the night before, and her resentment over the whole situation with Marlena and John. 

“So she’s confused?” Isabella asked in frustration. She shifted Brady in her arms, placing the bottle in his mouth. He grunted, rooting around as he started sucking down the warm liquid greedily. “I just think someone needs to set her straight. What is babying her going to do, Marcus? And, I’m just expected to sit aside, and allow my husband to pretend he’s hers? This is ridiculous!”

“It’s temporary, Isabella. Right now she’s in an incredibly fragile state of healing. Any major upset could tip her towards another coma, or even a seizure. Marlena’s history of disassociation makes her very… fragile. Tom thinks, and I’m in agreement, that waiting is the best option.” Marcus stared into her eyes, hoping he was reaching her. Isabella could be impulsive, and she could be very jealous and possessive. He needed her to acknowledge what he was saying. “Don’t go to her hospital room, and don’t try to shock her into getting her memory back. It won’t work. Confabulation is a very real diagnosis.”

“Well it sounds contrived. Who’s to say she’s not just making this up to keep John close to her?” she asked him. She stared down at her son, thinking that she had to do whatever she could to keep her family together, and if John was off playing husband to Marlena and Daddy to her kids, where did that leave her?

“She’s not,” Marcus said with a sigh. “She is struggling with the loss of her second child, and she believes John is Roman. She is absolutely in love with him, and believes him to be her husband. And even though you find this hard to believe, she has no recollection of Roman’s return at all… or of you.”

“How convenient.” she said sarcastically. She stared at him for a moment, “You seem like this bothers you.”

“I’m worried for her,” he said softly, placing his coffee cup on her kitchen island. “Eventually she’s going to have to be told the truth, and it’s going to be incredibly upsetting to her.”

“But she will be told?” Isabella pushed.

“Marcus sighed, feeling like Isabella was missing the point, “Of course.”

Marlena smiled at Marcus, reaching for his hand to get his attention. He stared down at her fingers, where she held him, and he heard her say, “Did Roman say when he would be coming back?”

“Soon. I can’t imagine him staying away for long,” Marcus told her, pulling his hand away. He closed the clipboard containing her medical records, and he said, “Rest. He’ll be here soon, and the more you rest the faster you heal.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Oh please, say to me

You’ll let me be your man

And please say to me

You’ll let me hold your hand

Now, let me hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena stared at John with bright eyes, “Have we taken a vacation? We should, you know… with the children. You, me, Carrie and the twins. I feel like we need that time together as a family.” She knew she was asking a lot of questions, but there were so many gaps in her memory. So much time she seemed to have lost. The idea of going away as a family appealed to her on an almost visceral level, and she wasn’t sure why. Everytime he left to go check in with work or to visit the children, she felt like she was losing him. She felt almost desperate to keep him by her side, as if… if she allowed him to go, he might never come back, and that was ridiculous. It was ridiculous, right?

“Where would you like to go?” John asked her with a smile. He leaned forward, rubbing his thumb over the palm of her hand. It was too easy to slip into old behaviors with her. It was too easy to pretend, when he enjoyed it so much.

“The mountains, I think.” Her eyes took on a wistful look as she said, “My parents’ cabin in Colorado. The twins will love it. They were so young the last time we went, I don’t think they even remember it, and, oh, remember how much Carrie enjoyed it when she was their age?”

“I do,” he said, thinking about the time they all went. The twins had been toddlers, and he and Carrie had spent hours sledding. Carrie’s pink cheeks, and laughing face was something he would always hold close to his heart. It was one of the first times he felt like they were really connecting, that Carrie was accepting him. He recalled the twins being so bundled up they could barely walk, their little, chubby, pink faces tucked inside layers of fabric. “That is one of my fondest memories.”

“I think… yes, I think we should go out to Colorado, as soon as you’re allowed to spring me from this joint.” She laced her hand through his, tugging him closer, “How much longer do I have to stay in here anyway?”

John sighed, “Doc, c’mon. You’re a doctor! You’ve had major surgery–”

Marlena had an incision running the length of her abdomen. Clinically she knew that her healing would take time, but she was impatient. She missed Roman’s arms around her at night, she missed his lips on hers, the taste of him, his scent… she missed him. He was by her side everyday for a few hours, but he had a job to tend to, and he had their children. What she wanted more than anything was to go home, and be with her family. 

She stared at his hand, playing with his fingers between hers, and she whispered softly, “I miss you.”

“I’m right here,” he said with a careless smirk, even as his abdomen tightened in desire. Her voice, low and sweet, would always do things to his body, and even though the attraction was still there, they’d been keeping their distance since they came home. Marlena would never cross that line knowing he was taken, but right then, she thought he was hers. She wouldn’t cross that line knowing the truth about Roman. But, at that moment, John was her man. Her husband. In Marlena’s mind, she had every right to draw him closer, to flirt, to entice him. That sexy come hither look combined with a soft, smoky tone, had him quivering where he sat. With a small smile, he could barely get his next words out,  “How can you miss me?”

Marlena stared into his deep blue eyes. How could she tell him that even as he sat next to her, she felt like something was missing? “I miss… you holding me at night… I miss your lips.”

His abdomen clenched and rolled again. He missed those things too, but he wasn’t allowed to miss them, not really. With a rough voice, he told her, “You’ll be home soon.” Inside his head he was thinking that she’d know the truth soon, and she may just hate him for it. 

“I feel like… I’m not sure. Like you’re pulling away. You’re here with me right now, but it’s as if you’re miles away… and I don’t understand it.” She was quiet for several beats, and then she said quietly, “You haven’t kissed me.”

He hadn’t kissed her. Kissing her would be the equivalent of tearing his own heart out, and walking over it. He wasn’t sure he could do that without causing himself irreversible damage. “Doc, you were in a coma yesterday… and I didn’t want to jostle you…”

“I’m not made of glass.” Her hand pulled on him, bringing him closer. She could smell his musky cologne, and she wanted his lips on hers. “Kiss your wife.”

Even knowing he shouldn’t, he slid his fingers along her hip, placing his palm on the other side of her bed as he leaned over her. Marlena stared up at him in anticipation. John tipped his face towards her, brushing his mouth across hers quickly. He started to pull back, but she held his shirt in her curled fist, pleading softly, “Again.”

He closed his eyes with a groan that was a mixture of want and torture, murmuring across her lips, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Marlena licked across his mouth, “Kiss me, Roman…”

She tasted like everything he’d forgotten. Finally giving in, he nipped at the corner of her mouth, rubbing his nose alongside hers, while gently cupping her face in his hand. She tasted like the pier. She tasted like a beach in Miami. She tasted like the mountains of West Virginia. She tasted like the Gauley River. She tasted like Marlena. For a moment, John forgot who he was, who he was married to, or where he was, as his tongue dipped between her lips. Marlena sighed against him, her breath warm and moist, as it puffed over his face. Groaning, he slipped his fingers into her hair with a groan of want, clenching its silky softness in his fist. He held her in place, and feasted on her mouth. His tongue swept alongside hers, soft and warm, and he lost himself completely.

It all ended with a loud rattle of the door. John pulled away quickly, releasing Marlena with a quickness that left her staring at him with wide eyes and swollen lips. He turned to see Marcus standing in the doorway with a look of disapproval on his face. “Can I speak with you outside for a moment?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And when I touch you

I feel happy inside

It’s such a feelin’ that my love

I can’t hide

I can’t hide

I can’t hide

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John and Isabella Black’s Loft

Sliding the loft door open with a heavy clatter, John was struck with overwhelming guilt when he was greeted by Isabella’s bright smile, and his four month old son in her arms. He felt like a heel. The biggest asshole in the world. Kissing Marlena the way he had was a huge mistake, and Marcus had let him know it. Not just because he was married, but because of what it would do to Marlena when she learned the truth. He was married to Isabella. He had made a commitment to her, but it was more than that. Kissing Marlena was a step that he shouldn’t have taken. If he licked over his lips, he swore he could still taste her, and that was dangerous. So fucking dangerous, because he wanted to taste her again. He wanted to taste her on his lips for the rest of his life. John closed the loft door, and walked over to Isabella, kissing her cheek with his traitorous mouth.

“I wasn’t sure that you’d be home for dinner, so I didn’t cook… but we could get some takeout.” She tucked Brady into her shoulder, and started to lightly pat his back. “If you want… otherwise, I could cook something…”

“Here, let me do that,” John said, reaching for his son. Rubbing his large hand over Brady’s face, John lifted him, nuzzling the boy. He smelled like baby soap, and formula. John closed his eyes for a moment, feeling the guilt wash over him again. When he opened his eyes, he found Isabella staring at him intently. John tried to smile, “I’ll give you the honor of selecting tonight’s menu.”

Isabella smiled widely, grateful to have him home. He’d been so distant recently. “I’m thinking about Chinese food.”

John paused for a second, remembering all of the times he and Marlena had eaten egg foo young and eggrolls during late evenings after the children were asleep. He would forever associate Chinese food with Marlena. Resuming his firm pats on Brady’s back, he smiled saying, “Chinese sounds good.”

She wasn’t so sure. He didn’t seem very interested. Trying again, she asked, “We could do Greek?”

He ran his palm over Brady’s back hearing a soft burp, and he smiled. Glancing at Isabella he told her quietly, “Actually, Greek would be nice.”

Isabella was getting irritated. It had been like this for days. The disinterest. He’d come home, spend time with Brady. He’d cuddle him, rock him, burp him, feed him, and put him to bed. Then he would look at Isabella, tell her how tired he was, shower and go to sleep. It didn’t help that he kept having nightmares about Marlena losing her baby. He would wake up in a daze staring at his hands as if they still held the evidence of her near death experience. He would call out in his sleep, “I can’t lose you, Doc!” Isabella wanted her husband back, but she wasn’t sure how to do it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yeah, you got that somethin’

I think you’ll understand

When I feel that somethin’

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: I Want to Hold Your Hand – T.V. Carpio (From the film: Across the Universe)

Chapter 10 – Dark Moon

September 4, 1992

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dark moon, away up high up in the sky

Oh, tell me why, oh, tell me why you’ve lost your splendor

Dark moon, what is the cause your light withdraws?

Is it because, is it because I’ve lost my love?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John opened Marlena’s door, and heard Marcus say with a laugh, “And so, I poured salt in her coffee instead of sugar, and stirred it around really well, but Steve was the one who gave it to her. We ran. We ran so fast she couldn’t catch us!”

Marlena’s hands went to her cheeks with a soft gasp, “Oh, no! What happened?”

“We found out later that Mrs. Parsons thought we’d made a simple mistake, confusing sugar and salt. She didn’t realize it was intentional,” Marcus laughed. “But a couple of the other kids said she spit that coffee across the room.”

“It must have been so hard,” she whispered. “Growing up like that…”

Marcus thought about it for a moment. Being a kid straight out of foster care had been a rotten hand to be dealt for sure. He’d probably be paying school loans for the rest of his life. But, being a doctor was worth it, and his life experiences as a ward of the state gave him empathy that other doctors might lack. “It wasn’t easy, but look at me now. Here I am, entertaining a patient with tales of my tomfoolery.”

Feeling jealousy he had no right feeling, John cleared his throat, “Hey, Doc. You’re looking better every day.”

“Roman!” Her whole face lit up when she saw him. “Marcus was just keeping me company, but I’ve kept him far too long.”

“I don’t mind,” Marcus told her gently. Standing up, he glanced at John with a look she couldn’t decipher, and then told her, “Anytime you need a friend.”

A subtle hint at the pain John knew was coming, for Marlena, and for him as well. He heard the door close, and he took up Marcus’s vacated spot on the stool beside her bed. John lifted her hand up in his, whispering, “I missed you.”

Her tummy fluttered, and rolled, filled with a thousand butterflies, as she stared into his eyes. “I missed you,” she whispered. “Oh, I missed you so much!”

John laughed, and his eyes flashed with warmth, “I was just here a few hours ago.”

“I know… but I like having you with me.” She glanced to where John held her hand, but he reached out, tipping her face up to his.

“Talk to me, Doc,” John whispered. She was holding back, and he knew something was bothering her. “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”

“Pretty little head?” she asked with a short laugh.

“Smart, intelligent, genius, big head?” he asked her with a cock of his eyebrow.

“That’s better.” Staring into his deep blue eyes for a moment, she whispered, “I’m not sure what’s going on with me. Maybe it’s losing our baby… maybe it’s because I was attacked, and I can’t remember any of it, but when you leave me… it feels like I’m losing you. It feels like you might never return, and I know that sounds ridiculous. You’re my husband… and I know you love me, Roman. I see it every time I look into those beautiful eyes. I think I’m… I’m overreacting.”

But she wasn’t. John sensed that there was a part of her mind that knew the truth, but the truth was so painful, that it had created this alternate reality. A reality where they were married, and he was still Roman, and Caleb was his son. The anxiety she was feeling was real, and it was a subconscious manifestation of the truth. It was only a matter of time before Marcus and Tom cleared her physically, and then John would be faced with the task of telling her that everything she thought she knew, was not as it seemed.

He wiped a tear as it fell from her amber eyes, saying gently, “Hey… hey, Doc. Don’t cry, baby. Don’t cry. I’m here right now.” His heart ached as the word baby fell from his lips. He had to stop. 

“Then why do I feel like I’m going to lose you?” she cried. “I feel like… I’m so scared.”

“I don’t want you to be scared. I will always be here for you. Always,” he told her.  It was the closest he could come to the truth without being a blatant lie. His fingers brushed across her cheek, clearing away the tears that had fallen. 

She tried to smile at him, “It’s probably stress and trauma. I’ve been having nightmares, and I–I wake up so confused.”

This was the first time she’d mentioned nightmares, and John was concerned that it might be her memory returning. Was she ready for that? Marlena wasn’t weak. He would never describe her as weak, but her health was fragile. She needed more time to heal. Softly he asked her, “Do you want to talk about them?”

“They’re nothing, Roman. Just a way for my mind to process what I’ve been through.” Giving him a small smile, she repeated, “They’re nothing.” She didn’t want to tell him that her mind had conjured an imaginary woman bent on stealing away her husband. She wasn’t going to tell him that she watched him walk away from her over and over again, as if on repeat. It was foolish. It was nothing. 

Staring at her for a moment longer, he asked her softly, “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” she whispered. “Now, kiss your wife.”

“Is that a request, or a demand?” he asked with a teasing glint in his eyes.

“Oh, it’s most definitely a demand,” she said in a low husky voice.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Mortals have dreams of love’s perfect schemes

But they don’t realize that love will sometimes bring a

Dark moon, away up high up in the sky

Oh, tell me why, oh, tell me why you’ve lost your splendor

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“I don’t understand,” John choked out, staring up at Tom helplessly. “When I left her this afternoon–” His chest tightened painfully as he stared down at Marlena’s unconscious form. “Tom, this afternoon she was fine! She was fine!”

“Her blood pressure spiked, causing her to have a seizure. There is some brain edema that we are concerned about as well. There’s excess fluid surrounding her brain, an accumulation because of her elevated blood pressure. John, we’ve done everything we can. We’ve stabilized her, and for now we’ve decided–”

“–we’ve?” John asked.

“Dr. Hunter and myself…look, John, I know you’re worried. You have a right to be.” Tom waited a few seconds to see how John was handling the news, before he said, “We have her in a medically induced coma. Just for a few days. It will allow her to heal more completely.”

Still reeling to find her like this, John asked, “How? Something must have happened.” He lifted her hand, kissing her knuckles softly. “I mean, she was stable. Things were going well. So, what happened?”

Tom didn’t want to tell him, even knowing that John would eventually find out. He didn’t feel that Isabella’s actions were malicious, but he knew they were careless. Marcus had told him about his conversation with her earlier. He had been very clear about how precarious Marlena’s health was, and still Isabella came to the hospital. Tom was also certain that John had explained the situation with Marlena. No one knew exactly what was said, but Marlena’s blood pressure had been 181/118 when she’d had her seizure. Prior to Isabella’s visit Marlena’s last blood pressure reading had been 139/80. Isabella had been the antecedent.

Tom sighed, “The nurses were concerned when the alarms went off at their desk. When they arrived… Isabella was here. Marlena was already seizing by then. There was nothing we could do, except stabilize, and sedate her. Marlena needs this rest… to drain the excess fluid in her brain, and to allow her body to finish healing. Then, we’ll bring her out of the coma slowly, and we’ll monitor her vitals closely.”

Isabella had been there. Even after he’d explained to her in great detail how dangerous it could be to upset Marlena, she’d still come. John was reeling, “Isabella was in here?”

“I can’t be sure of what was said,” Tom told him. “But the nurses, and Marcus, said she was in the room when they arrived.”

Bitterness laced his voice, “I already know what she did.” Isabella had ignored his warnings. He wanted to rage. She could be so fucking impulsive! There had been points in his relationship with Isabella where she had been frustratingly impulsive driving him nearly mad, and there had been points when he’d found it incredibly sexy. The same way he had with Diana, and Yvette. A smart, stubborn woman had always been sexy… and it had all started with Marlena. This time, he was enraged. Isabella’s actions had almost killed Marlena, and had Marlena died, he knew he would never have been able to forgive his wife. Watching Marlena lay peacefully in the hospital bed, John had to wonder if her mind was as peaceful as her body? 

John looked up at Tom, saying in a steely voice, “I don’t want Isabella here again. I’ll tell the police guard at the door, but I don’t want my wife in here ever again.”

“John,” Tom said gently. “I’m sorry. I assumed Isabella knew how fragile Marlena’s health was… how important it was to not upset her–”

“–she did. She did… I told her! I explained what was going on, and the need for not upsetting Doc. Isabella said she understood.” But as John thought about it, he realized that he’d obviously been wrong. Isabella’s jealousy had caused her to cross a line. He stared at Marlena helplessly, “She said she understood.”

He sat by Marlena’s side for hours. His mind conjured up nightmare scenarios where Isabella screamed, or forced Marlena to listen to her. He knew he needed to go home, and talk to his wife, but he couldn’t seem to calm himself down enough to do it. Isabella hadn’t intended to hurt Marlena. She wasn’t that type of person, but she had put her own needs ahead of Marlena’s. Isabella’s insecurities had taken over, just as they had that time she’d confronted Marlena after Roman returned, telling Marlena that she was selfish. Isabella’s confrontation of Marlena then, as well as this time, were based solely on Isabella’s needs, and that is what John found most concerning.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dark moon, what is the cause your light withdraws?

Is it because, is it because I’ve lost my love?

Mortal’s have dreams of love’s perfect schemes

But they don’t realize that love will sometimes bring a…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Isabella and John Black Loft

As soon as the loft door slid open, Isabella knew that John was aware of what she’d done. He might not know the specifics of it, but he was smart enough to work out where she’d been when Marlena started having a seizure. She stood up quickly from the couch, glancing at the clock, and then stared at him with wide eyes, “John…”

John was silent for so long, she thought maybe he hadn’t heard her. She watched him take his coat off, laying it over the arm of the couch. She watched him walk to the refrigerator, and pull out a beer. She stood in silence as he opened it, knocking the neck on the edge of the counter and popping off the cap. He drank half of it while staring at her with an expression she couldn’t read, and she thought about what she’d done earlier with growing dread.

“You’re saying I’ve met you before?” Marlena asked her in obvious confusion. “No…no, that can’t be right. I would–I would remember that.”

“When you first came home to Salem,” Isabella pressed. “Roman was engaged to me. We were going to be a family. I just need you to remember that, because this…” Isabella said, gesturing between them, “… all of this is ruining my marriage.”

“Your marriage? I don’t understand,” Marlena replied.

“Come on!” Isabella exclaimed in frustration. Marlena’s look of confusion and innocence only served to anger her further. “Yes, you’re married to Roman Brady… but John is not Roman! John is married to me, and I need you to remember that!”

Still Marlena stared at her as if she had no idea what she was talking about, and Isabella didn’t buy it. “Roman Brady, the real Roman Brady came home soon after you did. So, John was free to marry me, and you chose to stay with Roman. The baby you lost? That was Roman’s baby… not John’s.”

Isabella wanted to scream when Marlena started crying, and getting emotional. It wasn’t going the way she had anticipated. She had assumed that a good shock to Marlena’s system would have her recalling everything, but she wasn’t. Instead she was sobbing, and getting upset. She was still in complete denial. 

Marlena whispered, “No… no, that’s not right. Roman was just here earlier. He loves me. I know he loves me, and I’m not sure who you are or what you’re trying to do– but I want you to leave. I want you to go.”

“You want me to go?” Isabella repeated with a sneer. Desperation took over, and whatever minimal regard she had for Marlena’s health disappeared. Deciding she had one last thing she could try, she pulled her wedding photo from her purse, shoving it towards Marlena. Marlena reached for it, staring at it with tear filled eyes. “Do you see that?” Isabella demanded. “It’s my wedding photo. John and I were married in May. I am the mother of his son! You need to remember this! You have to remember this!”

“No!” Marlena screamed, dropping the photo over the side of her hospital bed. “No! Stop saying that! Get out! Get out of here!”

All of a sudden Marlena’s eyes rolled back, and her head fell forward. Isabella watched helplessly as her body began to shake, and the machines she was hooked up to started to beep violently. Within moments nurses were running into the room, and then Marcus arrived. Isabella saw nothing but shame and disappointment in his eyes. All he said to her was, “Get out.” And she left.

John watched his wife with hard eyes. He could see it on her face, as plainly as if she’d admitted her guilt, what she’d done. Drinking the rest of his beer, he tossed the bottle in the sink with a loud clatter, saying, “I told you to stay away from her. I told you that her health was fragile… so fucking fragile. You said you understood! You told me you understood that, Isabella!”

She scrambled to come up with the words that would help him understand what she’d done, or at least why she’d done it. He was staring at her with the same look Marcus had given her earlier. Lamely, she started to say, “I–I thought if she knew the truth, then maybe she would remember–”

John opened his second beer. “–are you a doctor, Izzy-B? Are you smarter than Tom Horton and Marcus Hunter combined?”

It was an accident. She hadn’t intended for Marlena to be hurt. Isabella started crying, “No, that’s not what I said–”

“–then why didn’t you listen?” John roared, slamming his beer bottle on the kitchen counter. Beer sloshed over his hand, as he leaned forward on his palms, staring at her over the island. “Why did you decide that what I said wasn’t good enough? That what Marcus said wasn’t good enough? When did you decide to go into Doc’s hospital room, and give  her a tough love history lesson? Because you almost killed her!” Isabella didn’t answer, she continued to stand there, and stare at him. John lifted his beer to his mouth, swallowing most of it down. Wiping the back of his hand over his mouth, he asked her, “Tell me this, are you going to be able to live with yourself if she dies? Because, she very well could die. She’s back in a coma… all I did was fucking ask you to stay away, don’t do anything to shock her or elevate her blood pressure until she’s well. Why couldn’t you do that?”

All she could see in her mind’s eye was John leaning over Marlena. The way his hands traced over the other woman’s jaw, and the way his thumb rubbed over Marlena’s bottom lip. Burning acid roiled in her stomach as she pictured Marlena staring up at him, her eyes shining with adoration. Losing control of the tight rein she had on her emotions, Isabella shrieked, “You were kissing her! I came to the hospital to find you, because your secretary at EcoSystems said that’s where you were. I wanted to ask you about Brady’s check-up, but what I saw was you kissing her! You were kissing her… and you leaned into her… and I hated her. I hate her.”

John rubbed his hands over his face, “She asked me–”

“–don’t lie to me!” she screamed. “Don’t lie to me, John! That was not a simple pass of the lips. That was… that was just like when you kissed her on the beach in Miami. When you kissed her, and didn’t even notice I was standing right there, that’s how lost you were! You had no cause to kiss her like that today! So, don’t lie to me, because I know what I saw!”

“Isabella,” he said carefully, trying to think of a way to get her to understand. “Marlena… she thinks I’m her husband. I told you that.”

“Do you love her?” she asked him point blank, watching the emotions play over his face.

“What?” John replied in shock.

“Do. You. Love. Her. It’s a simple question John.”

He tossed his second empty beer bottle in the sink, glancing away from her. “I will always care for Doc. You know that.”

“That isn’t what I asked you.” She knew that John was skirting the question, and that unsettled her more than what she’d witnessed earlier. She might be able to deal with John lusting after Marlena. Desiring Marlena’s body was wholly different from desiring her soul. 

John ran his fingers through his hair roughly, “I love you. I married you… we have a son together–”

He still wasn’t answering the question, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to force him into it. It might be an answer that she didn’t want to hear. It could be an answer that destroyed everything she had fought so hard to build. Flashes of him leaning over Marlena went through her mind. She stared at him, finally saying in a choked voice, “I’m going to check on Brady.”

John tried halfheartedly to stop her, “Isabella–” Watching her go, he didn’t have the energy to chase her. Two empty beer bottles lay in the sink. Lifting them out, he tossed them into the garbage, and then crossed the living room to the window that opened onto the fire escape. It rattled as he opened it, and John sighed with relief when the cool night air brushed his heated skin. 

Staring up at the night sky, he thought about kissing Marlena earlier. The way his body felt as it pressed against her softness. How he’d wanted to lick along her neck, and bite at the tender flesh behind her ear. It had to stop. He couldn’t do it again. Not only because of how much it hurt Isabella, but because of how much he wanted it, how much it was going to hurt him when it was said and done. Even after Marcus’s conversation with him, he’d kissed Marlena again. He could try, and rationalize it to himself. He could try, and make excuses to Isabella, but he’d wanted that kiss. Isabella had seen more than him kissing Marlena. What had prompted her to panic and confront Marlena at the hospital? It had been because she’d seen his desire. She’d seen it, and she hated Marlena for it. And that meant he was just as responsible for Marlena’s condition as Isabella was. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Dark Moon, away up high up in the sky

Oh, tell me why, oh, tell me why you’ve lost your splendor

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: Dark Moon – Bonnie Guitar

Chapter 11 – It Must Have Been Love

September 10, 1992

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Lay a whisper on my pillow

Leave the winter on the ground

I wake up lonely, this air of silence

In the bedroom and all around

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kim studied Marlena’s sleeping face with some trepidation. She had volunteered to sit by Marlena’s bedside as she came out of her medically included coma, not sure of what to expect. As much as John had protested, Marcus and Tom had both agreed that him being there wasn’t something they wanted to risk. There was the potential that Marlena’s previous interaction with Isabella would come rushing back, and they felt that John being there would complicate the situation. Kim volunteered. She and Marlena had always had a close relationship, and she felt that being there when Marlena woke was important, because they were family. No matter what Marlena felt towards Roman. No matter what Roman had done to create this mess. They were, and always would be, family. 

Marlena’s eyes opened slowly, blinking furiously in the dim light. Landing on KIm, she stared at her for a moment in obvious disorientation, and then croaked out, “Roman?”

Assuming that Marlena was asking about John, Kim replied softly, “He’s home now.”

Marlena’s mind was foggy. She glanced around the room trying to recall how she’d come to be in the hospital. Her hand lifted, and she placed it over her abdomen, whispering, “Caleb… I–I lost the baby. Roman and I lost the baby…”

Kim waited to see what else would come to her. Reaching for Marlena’s hand, she told her reassuringly, “He’s with D.J. now.”

Lost in thought for a moment, Marlena recalled Roman visiting her, but something wasn’t right about the memory. Was it Roman? She gasped softly, remembering the woman with the curly brown hair, and angry eyes. Looking at Kim helplessly, she lifted her head, glancing towards the door, “John? He’s John?” 

Kim knew exactly what she was referring to. Glancing at the pulse oximeter reading, she noticed that Marlena’s pulse had gone up, but not dangerously. “Yes… he’s John,” she whispered. “I’m here for you Marlena. I’m here to answer your questions–” 

“–where’s… John?” Marlena asked, feeling a tightness in her chest that she didn’t understand. “I need to know what happened… because I can’t trust myself to put those pieces together. I can’t trust myself…” She saw Isabella in her mind’s eye, and pushed down the choking feeling she had in her throat. 

“We thought it best that he was not here when you woke,” Kim replied gently. It was obvious that Marlena was remembering her conversation with Isabella, but she didn’t seem to remember much else. “Roman is… the real Roman… that’s a long story.”

“I want to know everything. From the beginning. All of it,” she said weakly. “I have to know all of it.”

Kim pushed a stray piece of hair back from Marlena’s forehead, “I wasn’t… I wasn’t around for some of it.”

Marlena’s sharp hazel eyes bored holes into Kim, as she asked, “Who was? Besides… John, who knows the whole story?”

Silence filled the room, and Kim finally said, “Abe. I guess you should speak with Abe.”

“Can you call him for me?” Marlena asked. Her eyes started to flutter again, as if she were falling back asleep. In truth she was overwhelmed, and unable to handle much more right then. “I want to speak to Abe.”

“I’ll call him.” Kim replied, watching Marlena’s eyes close. Outside of Marlena’s hospital room, she saw Alice waiting. “She wants me to call Abe. She has questions… and, I think you should let John know. She still has no memory, Alice… other than the one she’s created for herself. She’s… incredibly confused, and I think Abe is the only person she’ll trust right now.”

“I’ll call, darling. I’ll do it right now.” Alice watched Kim walk into the staff lounge to use the telephone, while she picked up the receiver at the nurses station, and dialed John’s loft. 

After a few rings, John’s voice came over the line, “Black residence.”

“John,” Alice said. “Marlena has woken up–”

“– did she ask for me… did she remember what happened?” he asked.

“She seems to remember something. She’s asking for Abe,” Alice told him. “Kim feels like her memory loss is still in effect. What Isabella did hasn’t changed anything in that respect.”

“Which is why she’s asking for Abe,” John sighed. “She trusts him implicitly, and she wouldn’t remember… she wouldn’t remember how angry she was at him. I’m going to give her some space. Can you call me when Abe leaves?”

Alice heard the sadness in his voice, and wanted to reassure him, “I will… and John, darling?”

“Yeah, Alice?”

“This will work out,” she told him softly.

He shook his head, even though she couldn’t see him, “I’m not sure it will… I’m just not sure.” He hung up the phone, and turned to find Isabella watching him. Things had been tense between them for the last week. Clearing his throat, he told her, “Marlena is awake. She’s asking for Abe.”

He watched Isabella’s eyes widen with hope as she asked him, “Did she remember anything?”

“Are you asking if your stunt was successful? No. It wasn’t. She doesn’t remember anything, which is why she’s asking for Abe,” he told her, walking by her at the foot of the stairs. “I’m going to check on Brady.” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Touch me now

I close my eyes and dream away

It must have been love, but it’s over now

It must have been good, but I lost it somehow

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Abe knocked softly on Marlena’s door before pushing it open carefully. The last time he’d been there, John had kicked him out, and Marlena had been in a coma. He had to admit, he’d been surprised to get Kim’s call. He’d known about Marlena’s amnesia, but when Kim explained everything else he’d felt rage towards Isabella. That was a risky thing she’d done, playing games with someone else’s health. Marlena looked up at him with wide hazel eyes, and a smile, “Abe.”

“Hey, Marlena.” He entered the room, and came to stand by the bed. “Kim called me.”

“I told her to,” Marlena said softly. She watched him carefully for a few seconds, as he pulled a stool up next to her bed. “You know, Abe, I have always considered you one of my dearest friends, and I’m hoping… that you’ll tell me the truth, because I don’t think I can trust anyone else to do that right now. Roman– John doesn’t want to hurt me, neither does Alice or Kim… and John’s wife, well I don’t trust her.”

“Isabella is scared right now,” Abe said. “She’s not usually so… confrontational.”

“Confrontational,” Marlena almost laughed. “That’s another way of saying territorial and possessive.”

Abe was quiet, not sure of where to start at first. Finally he said, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Marlena was genuinely confused. “Abe, what do you have to be sorry for?”

“So much… I’m sorry for so much,” Abe told her. “I’m sorry that when you came home, I didn’t push John more to tell you how he was really feeling. I’m sorry that I saw how much you were hurting in Mexico, and did nothing about it… and I’m sorry for Roman leaving…” Abe wiped the tears from his face roughly.

“Tell me what happened,” she whispered. “I need to know. I can’t remember any of it, at least not the way it truly happened. I remember bits and pieces, and my mind… my mind has filled in the missing pieces with dreams. Nothing but dreams. So, start at the beginning, Abe. Don’t leave things out, and don’t try to spare my feelings… I need to know everything.”

“When you first came home John had just gotten engaged to Isabella… of course we all still believed him to be Roman,” Abe started.

“I need to know… did he see me on the pier? Is that part of my memory correct?”

“He did. He said he was just getting ready to walk away, and he heard his name called.” Abe watched her face, seeing the hope that resided there, and he said, “He knew, even before he saw your face, that it was you. He told me he would never forget your voice.”

“Then what happened?” she asked quietly. She knew he loved her. She’d felt it when he kissed her on the pier. “If he wasn’t married yet, how did we end up here?”

“I think when you died, it broke something inside of John… and then he thought – he thought he’d found you, only to watch your plane go down before his very eyes.” Abe felt the pain of that time all over again. “Losing you the second time left him a shell of who he was, and I think – I think when you came home… he was afraid to reach for that. He spent all of his time searching for clues as to where you’d been, and refusing to make a decision… he refused to choose you or Isabella.”

“He must have been in so much pain,” she whispered.

“More than I think he told any of us,” Abe replied. During that time John had been consumed with finding out where Marlena had been, and who had been holding her. He’d refused to think about the future or even consider making a choice between Isabella and Marlena. “The clues he found led the two of you to San Cristobal… and that’s when you found Roman. John was devastated. He denied it for weeks, but ultimately DNA proved that he wasn’t Roman.”

An image flashed in her mind, a memory. A memory of John kissing her on the beach somewhere. She felt it again, deep in her belly. He loved her. She couldn’t figure out how it all had gone so wrong, until Abe mentioned Roman. Marlena couldn’t get past the pain she could only imagine John had felt at finding out he was again nameless. “John – he… he  must have felt so lost… so scared. He – he lost everything…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It must have been love, but it’s over now

From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we’re together

That I’m sheltered by your heart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Abe sat on the edge of Marlena’s bed, holding her while she sobbed into his shoulder, and it felt like déjà vu. He had held her once before as she’d cried against him helplessly consumed by her own emotions. In truth he felt like he’d failed her then, allowing her to think that she only had one choice. Maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe he was wrong now. Pulling back, he swept the tears from her face, “Are you going to be okay?”

“Do I have a choice?” she asked him. “Roman is gone, John is married to Isabella… I have children who need me–”

“–Marlena, you aren’t alone. You have me and Lexie, the Brady’s, Tom and Alice…” Abe told her. “And John… John will always be here for you. You’re best friends.”

“Best friends,” she laughed shortly. “I don’t remember that! I love him! I’m in love with him! How do I go about being friends? And he loves me too, Abe. I know he does. I know it.”

He didn’t doubt that she was right, and that a horrible mistake had been made in Mexico. John and Marlena would continue to find their way back to each other. It would be inevitable, and where that left Isabella and Brady, Abe couldn’t be sure. 

“I need to get out of this bed,” she said in a choked voice, tossing her blankets to the side. “I can’t continue to lie here when I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”

“Are you sure?”

“You either help me Abraham Carver, or I do it myself,” she said forcefully.

He helped her up, and when he said goodbye, she was sitting in an overstuffed hospital issue chair, staring out the window. As Abe exited her room, he came face to face with a solemn looking John.

John asked him carefully, “How’s she doing?”

“She knows the truth,” Abe told him. “But she doesn’t remember any of it. I think it’s hard for her, because while she knows the truth, it isn’t her truth. She loves you John. She’s not denying it. She’s wondering how to go on with her life… without you in it.”

“I’m her best friend, Abe! She’s not going on without me,” John cried. “I will always be there for her. I will always be in her life.”

“That’s not what I meant, and we both know it,” Abe said. “That’s not what she wants. She wants you.”

“I’m married,” John said lamely, stating the obvious.

“Will that stop either of you as you both continue to blur the lines?” Abe asked. “Even before Roman left town, and even before she was attacked and lost her memory… the two of you were too close. You can’t stand there, and tell me it’s not true. Roman saw it. Isabella feared it. It’s why she came up here and confronted Marlena the way she did, John!”

“Fuck, Abe! I know this is complicated,” John replied. “I’m doing the best that I can.”

Abe sighed heavily, “Well, your best is hurting Marlena. Don’t drag this on. You need to put some distance between the two of you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But in and outside, I turn to water

Like a teardrop in your palm

And it’s a hard winter’s day

I dream away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pushing the door to Marlena’s hospital room open slowly, John stared at Marlena. She sat with her back to him, her small frame wrapped in a robe she must have had Kim bring from home. Her honey blonde hair hung in curls around her shoulders. Before he could speak, he heard her say softly, “I was wondering when you would show up.”

Guilt was his constant companion recently. Without even turning around she knew he was there, and he knew why. She could smell his cologne. It shouldn’t affect him the way it did, but he kept remembering her moans, and how she sounded when she sighed, “Mmm, you smell so good.” 

He crossed the room, and stood in front of the window, leaning back on his palms. “Marcus and Tom thought maybe I shouldn’t be around when you woke up. They said… you might need some space,” John told her, trying to gauge her reaction.

“Abe came by,” she told him.

“I saw him.”

“He told me… as much as he could.” Marlena had been thinking about her conversation with Abe, but there were still gaps. There was still information she felt was missing. “You know, the mind is amazing. I studied amnesia in medical school… and when I met you, I immersed myself in medical journals and books, all in an attempt to help you, and here I find myself.”

“You did help me, Doc,” John said softly. “You helped me when I was at my lowest. Without your support… I don’t know where I’d be right now.”

“But you aren’t Roman,” she whispered. “I mean, my mind is telling me that you are… but you’re not. You’re John, and I don’t remember any of that. Confabulation… has the last year been so difficult that I had to create a fantasy world in which you are my husband? Or are my false memories that far from a truth that we both really want? And… if so, why are we fighting it?”

John opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it again, unsure of how to respond. He was used to Marlena being direct about most things, but the undercurrent of emotion between the two of them over the last year was not something she’d ever been direct about. They had skirted around their feelings, refusing to call them what they were, and they had been meeting secretly since December telling themselves they were simply friends. They had never been friends. They never would be friends. There would always be the stares that lasted a few seconds too long, or the lingering touch of fingers as they walked past each other. There would always be the embrace that was familiar, or the slide of a palm along the hip. 

She continued to watch him, saying softly, “You don’t have to answer that. I already know the answer. The truth hurts me too much, and so to protect myself, my mind has created a fantasy life that doesn’t exist. Caleb wasn’t your son. He was Roman’s.” Marlena saw the sadness that flickered in John’s eyes. He’d wanted Caleb to be his, but he would never say it. “He was Roman’s and yet, you named him. You gave him a beautiful name, and you included Roman in that. You buried Caleb with D.J. Even the fact that you thought to do that made me love you even more. I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Doc,” John said, kneeling before her. His hand rested on her thigh, and just the feel of her body heat on his palm felt wrong. It felt wrong, because it felt good. “Doc, if Roman was here… he would have done those things.”

“Would he?” Marlena asked, staring at his hand where it rested against her. She glanced up at him,  “I’m not so certain that he would have. The Roman I remember wasn’t the sentimental type.”

John’s eyebrow raised, as he watched her, and Marlena continued, “Oh, don’t get me wrong, he tried to be sentimental, but it… it didn’t come naturally to him.”

“I wanted Caleb to feel loved. I wanted you to wake up, and know that your son was safe, and respected. I wanted you to know that he was taken care of… it didn’t matter that he wasn’t mine,” John said softly. He lifted her hand in his, brushing over the top with his thumb.

“I wish he had been yours,” she whispered, feeling a sadness so profound she wasn’t sure how to process it. “I wish with all of my heart that he had been yours, and maybe that’s wrong… maybe, I shouldn’t want that, because it would mean hurting a Roman I barely remember, and hurting your wife… but I don’t care. I don’t care, John. I wanted Caleb to be your baby.

John’s gut clenched in a mixture of want and pain, “Doc… we can’t talk like that. We can’t wish for those things.”

“Knowing the truth changes nothing.” His blue eyes stared up into her hazel ones, as she told him, “Abe told me everything he could, but I don’t recall any of it. All I remember is seeing you on the pier. I remember you kissing me as the mist settled on our skin. I remember you holding me during the night when I had nightmares. I remember you kissing me on a beach, and I remember you lying with me in a dark candle lit room.” The pain in her chest was so deep that her chest constricted as she barely got out, “But then there are other things that I don’t remember, but my mind tells me they are true.”

John felt himself being pulled in, as he asked her, “Like what?”

“That you are my husband, you are the children’s father… and Caleb was your son,” she said softly. “But Abe said, those things aren’t true. Instead you married Isabella, and had a baby you named Brady. A boy. I’m– I’m still married to Roman, and I was pregnant with his son, and Roman… Roman left us again.”

He didn’t speak when Marlena’s small palm cupped his jaw. Her fingers softly caressed his skin. He stared up at her with tear-filled eyes, and said nothing. What was there to say? She wasn’t his, and these dreams she had couldn’t be.

“But when you leave me here tonight, you will go home to your wife, and your baby,” Marlena choked out, dropping her hand back into her lap like a dead weight. “And I – I have to find a way to move on, don’t I?”

“Doc… I will always be here for you. I will always care for you,” he said emphatically. “I don’t ever want you to think I won’t be here for you, because I will!”

“You love me,” she told him matter of factly. “You love me. You don’t have to say it. I don’t need you to say it. I felt it when you kissed me the day Isabella came to see me. It was in the way your lips took mine… and the sounds you made. You love me.”

John was beginning to feel overwhelmed, “Doc…”

“I know,” she whispered. “We’re just friends. Best friends. That’s all we can be.” Marlena looked down at her hands, and said softly, “But, I think it’s time for you to go right now. I think we need some space. At least for a few days.”

John started to argue, “Baby–”

“–don’t!” she said, pushing at his shoulder, while struggling to stand up. “Don’t do that! Don’t call me that!”

Again, the guilt rolled through him, “I’m sorry. It slipped out.”

“I can accept what I’ve been told. I don’t have a choice, but you can’t call me baby. You can’t hold me in your arms, or hold my hand, John.” Walking towards the bed slowly, she said, “If we’re to remain friends… I can’t feel like my emotions are being toyed with. It’s too hard. It’s too hard to love you as much as I do, and know that when you go home tonight you’re going home to another woman.”

“Marlena, I’m sorry–”

“–I need you to leave,” she whispered, settling herself on the side of the bed. She stared up at John with heartbroken eyes, “I can’t be this close to you right now, and not reach for you. It–it hurts too much.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It must have been love, but it’s over now

It was all that I wanted, now I’m living without

It must have been love, but it’s over now

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was several hours later, after visiting hours were over, that John stood outside of Marlena’s hospital room. He watched as she cried, held firmly in Kimberly’s arms. In the dim light he saw her body shaking with her sobs, while Kim whispered soft words to her. Marlena had asked him to stay away for a few days, and he’d promised he would, but watching her right then, he wasn’t sure he could keep that promise. Kim’s eyes lifted, catching his through the window, and an understanding passed between them. She would take care of Marlena, and, for right then, he needed to walk away. He turned on his heel, and walked towards the elevators. Being Marlena’s friend was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever done. Before her accident, they could both pretend it was over. They were able to keep their feelings at bay, but with Marlena openly declaring her love, and claiming to know his feelings… he wasn’t sure how he would hold back. Maybe she was right, they needed a few days apart.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s where the water flows

It’s where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it’s over now

It must have been good, but I’ve lost it somehow

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: It Must Have Been Love – Roxette

Chapter 12 – Right Here Waiting

September 13, 1992

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oceans apart, day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line

But it doesn’t stop the pain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Are you ready to go home?” Marcus asked Marlena with a smile as he closed her file. “It looks like tomorrow might be the day.”

“I’m ready to be with the children, and spend time with them… I miss them so much.” Marlena glanced towards the door, feeling more lonely than ever. She was ready to leave the hospital, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to begin her new life. “Kim brought them by yesterday, and it was so nice. I’m definitely ready to be home, and put them to bed, read them stories… I’m ready to be their mother.”

“You know, Marlena,” Marcus said gently, feeling sadness for her. “You’ve been their mother for over a year.”

“I–I know that… but my memory has so many gaps, and I think… I don’t trust it right now.” After what Isabella had done, Marlena wasn’t sure she could trust any memory, or even her own emotions. She felt like waking up and speaking with Abe had left her feeling as if John had died. He hadn’t, but the mourning process felt similar. She’d lost him forever, to a jealous and possessive woman with low self esteem. 

“Marlena?” Marcus asked. He was worried about her. Where she had been happy before Isabella’s visit, she had been despondent ever since she’d woke up. Marcus knew why. He understood it, but the change was so dramatic it had him wanting to protect her all the more.

Shaking her head, she stared at him with wide eyes, realizing that she’d been distracted. “I’m sorry Marcus… I’m tired.”

“Get some rest,” he told her, placing his hand on her arm in a reassuring manner. “Going home is a big transition. You need all of the rest you can get, and I’ll still check on you.” 

“You will?” she asked hopefully. “It will be nice to have a friend.”

“I will,” he promised.

Marlena smiled and nodded. Watching Marcus leave her room, she gingerly got out of bed, and walked towards the window. Going home was a huge endeavor, especially alone. When Caroline had visited, she’d mentioned that Roman could possibly come home once the ISA had caught Torres, but who was he to Marlena? He was a stranger. Not only that, but she harbored a lot of anger towards him, even without memories to back it up. She was attacked because Roman had left them. She couldn’t remember any of the attack, but the hollowness she felt in her chest every time she thought about her baby, that was enough to feed her anger into a full inferno. She had to make a decision about what she was going to do about Roman, and she had to decide soon. 

She thought about her earlier conversation with Tom. He had told her not to make any life changing decisions, and not to push herself to remember. Having amnesia meant that life as she was seeing it, her current perspective, might be different when her memories returned. He told her that her memories would return gradually, but every time she thought about Roman, and everytime she thought about John, she knew she couldn’t stay married to Roman. She had a very strong feeling that even before her life turned upside down, her attraction to John was more than just friendship. She couldn’t remember it, but she felt it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times

That I thought would last somehow

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“I’m having nightmares,” Marlena whispered, staring at Kim. “And in them, I’m so scared, and so helpless. I’m screaming for Roman… but really, I’m screaming for John.”

“Your mind is reeling right now, Marlena. Waking up, and speaking with Abe, maybe you moved too fast,” Kim told her gently.

“So, I should have allowed everyone to continue to lie to me?” Marlena asked in a choked voice. Her heart was breaking, and finding out the truth when she did had been painful, but it was done. There was no going back. “That would have made me hurt even more. I was making plans, Kim! I was talking about going home, and family vacations! How long was John going to continue to lie to me?”

“John was… he was incredibly concerned about you. He has been since Roman left town. He was more concerned with your health than anything else. Tom and Marcus were concerned with your blood pressure…” Marlena watched as Kim tried to justify all of the lies, and given a similar situation, Marlena might have done the same thing, but she was mourning the life she thought she’d had. Isabella’s truths, and Marlena’s forced reckoning did not bring her memories back. It only tore away the thing that was most precious. She was going home to a house empty of the man she loved, and whether that was Roman with John’s face, or John himself… she’d lost him.

“I need to speak with Mickey,” Marlena said softly. She looked down at her hands, before looking up with steady eyes. “Can you reach out to him and have him come see me at the house tomorrow?”

“Mickey?” Kim repeated warily.

“I need to see about filing for divorce,” Marlena told her.

Kim tried to be as gentle as possible, “I think you should wait, Marlena.”

Marlena was quiet for a long time, staring at her hands as if she didn’t recognize them. Finally, very softly, she said, “Nearly eight years ago, Roman left his family to go after Stefano DiMera. He left me alone with the twins, with Carrie. I mourned him, Kim. I mourned him, and I said goodbye. When I was married to John… did you know that I loved John before we ever believed he was Roman?”

Kim sat back in her chair, slightly surprised. When they had been chasing after John and Marlena in Gauley Valley, Kim had believed it was a rescue mission. Marlena had been kidnapped. “No, we thought… I thought you’d been kidnapped.”

“I had,” Marlena said with a soft smile. “But also… I hadn’t. He took me after I’d seen the phoenix tattoo on his back. I panicked, and called Bo, but it was too late. I was already in love with him. And while there were things he did, and traits he had that reminded me of Roman, he was also so incredibly different.” Glancing back up at Kim, she whispered, “Even if he was Stefano… I was already in love.”

Kim was silent, allowing Marlena the space to speak, but she found herself surprised. She hadn’t been aware of any of this, but she’d also been very pregnant with Andrew at the time, and dealing with her own issues. 

“I was so in love with him, and when we came home to Salem… I grew to love him even more. I fell in love with John’s version of Roman. So deeply, that I can barely recall my life with Roman.” Marlena chuckled derisively, “Does that make me a horrible person? To love John’s version of Roman, so much more than I ever loved Roman?”

“I think you’re being honest, and I don’t judge you for it. The love you had with John was very deep,” Kim replied. “It was obvious to anyone who saw you together.”

“Abe said John was too scared to reach for me,” Marlena whispered. “He was so scared of losing me again, that he let me go, and walked away.”

“I think that’s possible. Roman, I mean, John, was a wreck when he lost you. I found out later he’d tracked you down, realizing it was a ruse from the beginning… and then he watched your plane go down.” Kim couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to lose someone you loved twice in succession. It would make a person question everything. Marlena’s return had sat the family on its head, but John especially. From the start, he had been afraid to reach for her. Abe was right. 

“He loves me,” Marlena said softly. “I know he does, and I love him. I can’t continue to stay married to Roman, it’s unfair to him. And I feel… I feel like I was already unhappy before this happened, Kim. I can’t remember it, but I have these feelings of sadness, and loneliness when I think about it.”

Kim knew what she was talking about. She’d observed it on several occasions. Moments when Marlena had the family around her, laughing, and talking, and Marlena… she was in another world. Laughter was rare, and that glow in her eyes, the life that used to shine there had been nothing more than a dull glow. Kim stared into Marlena’s hazel eyes, and she didn’t doubt that Marlena knew what she was asking for. “I’ll speak with Mickey, Marlena.”

Marlena reached for Kim’s hand, taking it in hers, and she said softly, “Thank you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can’t get near you now

Oh, can’t you see it, baby

You’ve got me going crazy

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Standing at the window of her hospital room, Marlena was startled by a soft knock on the door. Momentarily, when John poked his head in, her mood brightened. She missed him. She missed him so much that her chest ached with it, and then the memories would come, and the pain settled. She looked away.

He saw it all, and it was painful. The distance she was putting between them hurt, but he couldn’t give up on her. Stepping into the room, he said softly, “Hey, Doc. I came by to talk about your release tomorrow.”

Glancing at him quickly, Marlena said, “You’re taking me home?” She couldn’t deny the joy she felt, which was immediately followed by dread.

“I–I thought it might be best,” he said, stepping closer. “You could get settled, and then… well, then Caroline could bring the kids by. You haven’t been home since the attack, and I’m worried that it–”

“–might trigger something?” Marlena replied. “I’m not really your concern, John.”

Rushing towards her, John said, “Doc… you will always be my concern.”

Marlena glanced over him, and said absently, “Why are you wearing a suit? You don’t even like suits.”

“You’re right about that. I hate suits, but, uh, well things have changed, and we haven’t had a chance to properly catch up.”

Marlena saw his vulnerability in every line of his body. With a soft sigh, she said, “I have time now.”

John reached for the olive branch she was offering him, and he said, “It’s a long story.”

Looking around the empty room, Marlena smiled, “I don’t have much else going on.”

He couldn’t help it, he reached for her hand, and held it to his chest with a smile. “Let’s get you tucked into bed, and then you can tell me where Abe left off.”

Following John as he led her back to her bed, she said softly, “Abe left off with your trip to Stockholm with Danielle Tremaine.”

“Ah,” John said with a smile. “And what did he say?”
“That’s she was lying. She was never your wife.” Marlena felt her gut clench tightly, but ignored it.

“True. She was never my wife.” John pulled the blankets up, and over Marlena’s legs, before dragging the stool over to the side of her bed. After settling himself on it, he said, “It turns out advances in DNA can answer a lot of questions, Doc. I happen to be the long lost adopted son of Philomena and Leopold Alamain.”

Marlena stared at him in shock, “You–you learned about your past?”

“I learned about my adoptive family. The rest is still a secret.” He sighed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on her bedside. Leaning his chin in his hands, he stared at her for a moment, and finally said, “They thought I’d drowned. Well, everyone but my mother apparently. She hid me at a boarding school in New York.”

“Why?”

“Ah, you see, Doc,” John said casually. “I’m still working on that one. I’ve been seeing Dr. Baker, and it’s been slow, but we’re making progress.”

“Dr. Baker?” she asked in confusion. “Why wouldn’t you see me? You trust me. We have that base already established.”

John wasn’t sure he wanted the conversation to go in this direction, but he’d also decided in the last three days that there would be no more lying to her. “I was seeing you,” he said softly. “But we decided that it might be best for me to see someone else.”

Marlena watched him curiously, and then a flash of a memory came to her. John was holding her while she cried in her office. They’d been blurring lines. “I told you–I told you to see another doctor?”

“You were… concerned that we were crossing the lines of professionalism,” he replied without elaboration.

“Were we?” she asked him, already knowing the answer.

But instead of answering the question he said, “Instead, we started meeting once a week for lunch, to talk about our lives, or what we were doing. We were friends… best friends.”

“Did Roman know?” she asked him, wanting to know how much she shared with her husband.

John didn’t answer her. He knew where this line of questioning was leading, and it was dangerous. Not only for Marlena to get her hopes up that they might have a future, but it was dangerous for him, because he couldn’t hide his emotions from her. 

Reaching for his face, she turned it so that John was forced to look at her, “Did you tell Isabella?”

He hadn’t. Isabella hadn’t known that he had switched doctors until that day Dr. Baker had come to Marlena’s hospital room asking to speak with him.

“So, we were meeting secretly,” Marlena said. It was no longer a question. “Why would we do that?”

“Isabella and Roman… they were uncomfortable with our friendship,” John told her. “It was easier, but it was wrong. We shouldn’t have done that.”

“But we did.”

Marlena stared at him for a moment. John was obviously uncomfortable with the turn in the conversation. Deciding to let it drop for the moment, Marlena tugged at his deep blue necktie, “So that doesn’t explain the suit, Sailor.”

“Turns out my family is a regular V.C. Andrews novel. Crazy mother who hides her presumed dead son, evil brother, insane aunt, and a butler of suspicious origin,” John said.

Marlena laughed so hard she thought she might choke, “Oh, no!”

“That’s a fact, Doc. But it also turns out I’m a millionaire, maybe a billionaire. I’m still trying to work that out,” he said with a sheepish grin.

Marlena whispered softly, while staring into John’s blue eyes, “How did I forget all of this?” 

He shrugged, “So, you forgot some details–”

“–some details?” she asked him incredulously. “John! I’ve forgotten almost everything, and what I do remember, I’ve likely manufactured.”

“Tell me something. Anything, Doc. Give me a memory, and I’ll tell you if it happened,” he said, reaching for her hand. 

“Okay…on the pier… that first night, did you–did you kiss me that night?” She needed to know, because in her mind it was perfect. The softness of his lips, the taste of him, and the memories that came with it. A memory that sweet couldn’t be manufactured, but she was doubting everything.

Smoothing his thumb across the palm of her hand, John whispered, “I kissed you. I couldn’t have stopped myself from kissing you that night.”

“And did we–did we once tell the twins stories in the dark one night when the electricity went out?” she asked him with tears in her eyes.

John felt his throat tighten as he said, “We did, and you fell asleep with Eric in your arms. It took me three trips up the stairs carrying you all to bed.”

Desperate for more, Marlena asked him breathlessly, “Did you kiss me on a beach?”

He felt the tears welling up in his own eyes, and he wiped at his nose roughly. Miami. She remembered their kiss in Miami. “I did. At first… I kissed you, and I surprised myself. It was unexpected. Our emotions were high, and we were getting ready to go to San Cristobal, the island where Stefano held you. I kissed you, and we were both so surprised. But the taste of you on my lips was overwhelming, and I kissed you again. I kissed you until we were both gasping for air.”

“That’s the part I remember,” she said wistfully. “That feeling of my heart racing, and the feel of your hair between my fingers… so soft.” She was quiet for a long moment, staring at him, and then she whispered, “If you loved me, you should have reached for me.”

“Doc,” John said warily. 

“I know.” He didn’t want the conversation to take this turn. She was silent for a beat, and then she said, “Thank you for answering my questions. It’s reassuring to know that not everything is imagined.”

John touched her face gently, cupping her jaw, “Not everything is imagined.” He stood up quickly, letting go of her, “I’ll be by first thing in the morning, Doc. There are some very excited kids waiting to see you.” Reaching into his suit coat he pulled out two homemade cards, handing them to her. “Here. I almost forgot. I come bearing gifts.”

Marlena raised her eyebrow, “You forgot?”

“Well, in truth, they were to soften you up if you ordered me to leave,” he said with a grin.

Marlena laughed again, and realized that having him near, no matter what capacity it was in, made her happier than a life without him. The last three days had been miserable.

John smoothed his hand over the top of her head, “I’ll be here in the morning, Doc.”

Staring up at him, she said softly, “I’ll be right here waiting.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

Waiting for you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Right Here Waiting – Richard Marx

Chapter 13 – Everything I Own

**TRIGGER WARNING: Memory of physical attack and miscarriage**

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You sheltered me from harm

Kept me warm, kept me warm

You gave my life to me

Set me free, set me free

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Salem University Hospital, Parking Garage

September 14, 1992

The paperwork was signed, she’d been released from the hospital. For the first time in weeks, she was able to breathe fresh air, well, not exactly fresh air yet. They were still in the parking garage. Marlena stared at John’s dark head bent over her lap as he fastened her seatbelt. The urge to run her fingers through his silken hair was strong. She could close her eyes, and remember what it felt like sliding through her fingers. Instead she squeezed her fist in her lap, and took a shaky breath. It didn’t help. That breath was full of spice, musk, and soap. Irish Spring. If John was anything, it was a creature of habit. She smiled to herself, refusing to open her eyes lest she reach for him, and never let go. Marlena felt the click of the seat belt latch, and opened her eyes just as he looked up at her with deep indigo eyes. 

He was slightly unsure of himself when he said, “I thought you might want to go see Caleb… before I take you home.” He’d gone that morning to refresh the flowers that were there, wanting to make it perfect for Marlena’s first visit with her son.

His voice was soft, and caring, a cadence that Marlena wanted in her head forever. She saw something in his eyes. Vulnerability perhaps? Afterall, the arrangements for Caleb’s burial, and his memorial had been handled by John. Not that the Brady’s hadn’t been involved, but they had all been in mourning, and John had been the one to step up, and handle everything. She reached out, touching his cheek softly, “I’d like that.”

He would kiss her if he could. He would lean slightly closer, and take her soft lips against his, and he would show her that there was still gentleness and love in this world. John glanced down at her mouth. It would be so easy, but instead he stood up straighter, and cleared his throat. Reaching for her shoulder strap, he smoothed it across her chest, and said, “We can head that way.”

Before he moved out of her space, Marlena took his hand, and whispered, “Thank you.”

“You never have to thank me, Doc. Never.” John continued to stand there, next to the car. So close to her that she seared his lungs with the scent of lilacs, and memories. 

“I do,” she whispered, still holding onto him. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I can imagine that… Caroline and Shawn were quite overwhelmed with the children, Bo and Roman are gone… me in the hospital. Kimberly and Kayla have a lot going on as well. You stepped in, and you took care of my son. Caroline told me you were spending a lot of time with the twins. They seemed excited when they were telling me about it. They missed having you in their lives. So,” she said, squeezing his hand reassuringly, “so… thank you for all of that.”

John’s hands cupped her face gently, and without thought he leaned forward, kissing her forehead softly. His warm, moist lips lingered on her skin before he pulled back. Marlena watched him swallow again, but didn’t comment on it. He was uncomfortable. He wanted more than he was allowing himself. He loved her, and she could see that he was tamping down on his natural instincts with her. She shouldn’t encourage him to question his choices, but in her heart a great injustice had taken place. He was supposed to be with her. Twining her fingers through his, she smiled up at him, “Seriously, John. Thank you.” And they both knew that wasn’t what she was saying. She was saying she loved him. 

John didn’t think he would ever be able to express to anyone what Marlena truly meant to him. He’d come to Salem as a pawn in a game between Stefano DiMera and Victor Kiriakis. He hadn’t been a man. He’d been nothing more than a piece in a game between two men who had no respect for human life. Sure, Victor claimed to be a changed man, but still John wondered, did men like that ever really change?

Marlena had stepped into his life like an avenging angel. She brought light, she was plucky, she was courageous, and she brought with her a warmth, a gentleness… an innocence that he was drawn to so fiercely that he’d spent sleepless nights thinking about laying with her just to hold her against him. Those days were hard. To be afraid, while pretending he wasn’t. He would have done anything to be near her, and he would find ways to be close to her. He would argue with her, antagonize her, all just to see her eyes spark with frustration, and to see her glow with that strength he so admired. 

And when she realized he had amnesia, their whole dynamic changed. She didn’t run from him in fear, even when she should have. She’d refused to leave him, because all of those qualities he’d admired in her weren’t a mask. They were real. She was real. He’d fallen in love so fast, and so hard it was almost painful. As he looked into her eyes right then, he realized she held so much there, so much between them, that he would never even be able to tap with anyone else. Not Diana. Not Yvette. Not Isabella. No one, but Marlena, and the scariest part of it all was that her eyes said… she already knew that. She already knew.

Clearing his throat roughly, he said, “Let’s go.” 

John closed the door to the Jeep, and rounded the vehicle with his heart in his throat. He’d never thought when he’d made love to Isabella on that beach in Mexico that almost a year later his life would be this complicated. He rubbed his palm over his face before he opened the driver’s side door, and slid into the seat. Starting the Jeep, he listened to the soft hum of the motor for a moment before putting the Jeep in reverse, and backing up. As he started to drive towards the exit, he said gently, “I wanted to speak with you about the house, Doc.”

“The house?” Marlena asked. 

“I went ahead, and took it upon myself to get a cleaning crew in there. The, um, well the carpet in the master bedroom needed to be replaced, as well as some of the furniture. I went ahead, and had it all redone, otherwise nothing would match.” He was quiet for a moment, and then said, “I hope you don’t mind.”
“John!” She was surprised. Not by the gesture, because he was the type of man who immediately jumped on issues that needed fixing, but because she wasn’t his responsibility. “You didn’t need to do that.”

“Look, Bo’s gone, Roman’s gone, Kimberly is trying to help Caroline with the twins while managing her own children, Kayla’s dealing with fluctuating blood pressure because of her pregnancy…” His voice trailed off. “Shawn keeps telling me I’m still a Brady… so, yeah, I did need to do it. I wanted to do it. I just wanted to warn you before you saw it.”

She turned in her seat to face him. He was handsome. He had one of those neoclassical faces with a straight nose and a fine jaw. Those lips. Those lips would be so soft. Shaking her head to get rid of the increasingly intrusive thoughts she was having she asked him, “Well, what does it look like?”

“You really thought I was gonna tell you, Doc?” John laughed, glancing over at her. “I know how much you love surprises.”

“I hate surprises!” she told him, smacking at his arm. “You know that!”

“Hate surprises?” he repeated as if he were confused. Then he shrugged, laughing at her frustration, “Ah, well… you gotta wait.”

Marlena stared at him with fierce eyes, “I swear Roman Brady! You do that on purpose–”

The cabin of the car became silent, and then Marlena stumbled over her words, “I didn’t mean to say that… I’m sorry.”

“I understand,” John told her. “It was a struggle for everyone at first. The kids still forget sometimes.”

A flash of a memory came to her, convoluted and confusing. She was standing on the pier with John in the rain, but the pain that came with it was agonizing. She didn’t understand it. Facing the window she said softly, “Still… I have to try and remember to call you John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The finest years I ever knew

Were all the years I had with you

And I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Cemetery at St. Luke’s

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, trailing her finger over the headstone that marked her son’s graves. John had purchased a marker for Caleb that perfectly matched D.J.’s. Reading D.J.’s, she became almost overwhelmed. Sinking to her knees in the grass, she whispered, “February 26, 1980. You know he would be almost thirteen now.” She ran her fingers over his date of death, “May 22, 1980…I barely had him for three months, and Don… and Don, he blamed me, you know…” 

She looked up at John, reaching for his hand, and pulled him down to the grass beside her. “Thank you for doing this. I know, I said that earlier, in the parking garage… but this is beautiful. Caleb Augustus Brady, August 14, 1992.” So softly John could barely hear her, she whispered, “I guess when your birthdate, and the day your death are the same, they only need to put it once.”

Her pain was palpable, and still she held it all inside. He watched her fingers trail over the granite, “Doc…”

“Did he suffer?” she asked in a choked voice. “Do you think he was in pain?”

“I don’t think so, Doc. Marcus said the placental abruption was severe… for Caleb, I think it was fast. I don’t think he suffered.” John was silent for a moment, listening to Marlena soft sobs. “When I saw him, I remember, running my finger down his cheek, and telling him how much his mother loves him. I held his small hand between my fingers, and I told him that he was so loved. So very, very, loved.”

Marlena turned to John then, throwing her arms around his neck. “I love you,” she whispered.

Her hot tears slipped along the skin of his neck, disappearing into the neckline of his shirt, and John was silent. She loved him. He loved her too, but he couldn’t say so. All he could do was hold her, and stroke her back gently. He could bury his fingers into her honey colored strands, and whisper soft words of encouragement to her. 

“I wish… I wish I’d had the chance to say goodbye. I wish–” she pulled back, wiping at her tears with the back of her hand. She stared up at John with the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen, and she said, “You’re crying?” 

And then she was wiping away his tears as well. “I don’t think you will ever really know what this means to me, John. Knowing that Caleb was so cared for, so loved by you… and D.J. too. They’re together, and that brings me peace, I didn’t even know I needed.”

John’s palms cupped her cheeks, wiping what was left of her tears away. “Come here, Doc.”

She watched John settle himself into the grass, and then she allowed him to pull her next to him. Marlena rested her head on his shoulder with a sigh, and said softly, “Tell me about your son. Tell me about Brady.”

He smiled. A deep, genuine, prideful smile, and he laced his fingers through hers. “He’s amazing,” he said softly. “He’s just started smiling, and he has this little chuckle that warms me from the inside out. It’s not a full fledged laugh yet, but he’s close. He oohs and ahhs, and he coos.” He was silent for a moment, enjoying the space they took up together, and then he said, “You know when I first came to Salem the Twinners were toddlers. It was different. Having Brady, from his youngest moments…it’s different. I’m watching his personality develop, and it’s as if G-d chose to give me this wonderful gift.”

John’s hand was playing with loose strands of her hair where it sat on her shoulder, and Marlena closed her eyes for one brief moment, pretending that he was hers. He wasn’t, of course. Opening her eyes, she said softly, “I’m so glad that you have him.”

John stroked Marlena’s hair, “You were at his christening. I know you don’t remember, but you were. Brady Victor Black–”

“–Victor?” she asked in confusion.

“Ah, yes. I keep forgetting how much you don’t remember,” he told her. “Victor is Isabella’s father.”

“I–I didn’t know that Victor had any children, besides Bo, of course.”

“Finding out that Isabella was his daughter was a fairly recent occurrence, and it’s a very long and complicated story.” John thought about whether he should tell Marlena at all, but then decided to give her an abbreviated version. “The short version, she thought her father was Ernesto Toscano. He raised her after all, but her mother had an affair with Victor…”

“–another affair?” she asked, thinking about Caroline’s own affair with Victor.

“Isabella only found out because of her mothers diary,” John said. “Ernesto had waited years for revenge, so he arranged an elaborate cruise inviting people closely involved with Victor and Bo. All for revenge.”

“And that’s when… when Hope died?” Marlena asked him softly. “I only know because Kim was trying to catch me up during her visits.”

“Yes, that’s when Hope died. It destroyed Bo. He’s never been the same since.” John told her. “I think that was hard on me as well. In a lot of ways Ernesto killing Hope brought up a lot of trauma for me… it reminded me of Orpheus taking you.”

“But you fell in love with Isabella then. Kim told me that it started as an investigation into Isabella’s sister’s murder, but that you grew to love her.” As much as it hurt Marlena to say it out loud, John would have had five years to move on from her death. Returning to Salem to find him in love with someone else wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility, it just hurt to admit it. It hurt that she didn’t remember it, because now the pain was fresh and new.

“I did,” he said. “I know that Isabella coming to your hospital room… well, I don’t know the specifics, but I’ve spoken to her. She won’t do it again.”

“I know logically what she was trying to do. It didn’t work. I still don’t remember anything new. Not really, anyway.” Marlean rested her cheek on John’s shoulder, and picked at a blade of grass. She stared at the dark green blade lost in thought for a moment. What she was remembering was incomplete – a strong emotion, the flash of an image with no context. It was all muddled, and confusing.

“We could play a game,” John told her. “Anytime something comes to you, or you might possibly remember something, you could ask me, and I’ll try and assist you in remembering.”

“You’d do that?” she asked.

She seemed so unsure when she asked him. As if he might consider her an inconvenience, but then he realized they’d been talking about Isabella. Marlena was thinking about his other obligations, and in truth, Marlena shouldn’t be one of them. Yet, she was. She always would be. “Anytime, Doc. Just call me, or ask me when you see me, but I will try, and help you as much as I can.”

“Okay,” she said softly. “Real or not real… was I ever on the pier with you in the rain? I had a black umbrella and you–you had a gun.”

“Real,” John said in a choked voice. “We’d just learned that Roman was who he claimed to be, and I–I was John Black again. I wasn’t at my best at that moment, Doc. I’ll admit it.”

Pulling away slightly, she looked up at him, “What happened?”

“I ran. I ran from the house as fast as I could. I couldn’t think. My mind was in an absolute panic, and the one person I would turn to in that situation would have been you.”

“Why didn’t you?” She scrambled to her knees, holding his face in her hands, and she whispered, “Why didn’t you reach for me?”

John sighed, “I can’t explain it. Maybe it was because I knew that if I wasn’t Roman… then you weren’t my wife. I didn’t have a right to reach for you.”

“What are you concerned about anyway,” John asked her, taking off his rain soaked leather jacket. “You made your choice and it wasn’t me.”

“I did not make a choice!” Marlena replied fiercely. “I accepted it… that’s all, that’s all! I can’t change my feelings for you. I still care about you. I’m even worried about you.”

Marlena gripped John’s jacket sleeve with a soft gasp, “I remembered something!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

You taught me how to love

What it’s of, what it’s of

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena and Roman Brady Residence

John exited the Jeep, and hurried around the side of the vehicle, opening Marlena’s door. Holding his hand out to her, he said, “Don’t rush, Doc. We’ve got time, and you’re still healing.”

“John, I’m fine. It doesn’t hurt that badly.” But still she allowed him to help her, and she held onto his hand for a fraction longer than she needed to. Marlena looked up at him, smoothing her palm over his bicep. “I do appreciate you being so kind.” She didn’t mention that those three days he’d stayed away had been the loneliest days she could remember.

Leading her towards the house, he said, “I installed a security system on the house, and I need to show you how it–”

“John! A security system? Do you really believe that’s necessary?” 

“Absolutely, Doc. You… you can’t remember your attack, but I do. I remember how I found you, and I’m not going to apologize. I simply won’t risk it.” The thought of her living there alone with the children, and the reminder of what had happened to her… John felt he needed to be certain that every possible step was taken to ensure her safety. 

They reached the front door, and he used his hands on her shoulders to steer her in front of him. “This is a code-based keyless lock. It will require a six digit code for entry. I’ve preset it, although if you want to change it, we can.”

Marlena stared at her front door in awe. John could deny his feelings for her, but she stared at the lock he’d installed on her door, and knew otherwise. She glanced up at him, “What’s the code?”

He leaned close to her ear, and he said, “You just type in 082286.”

Marlena started pushing buttons, watching them light up and beep with every number. As she pushed the last digit, she heard a beep, and the keypad flashed green, followed by a click.

John reached around her, so close, she thought she might melt into him, and he said softly, “And now you’re in.”

Neither one of them mentioned the significance of the code he’d selected, but it reinforced her belief that what he wasn’t saying was no indication of his actual feelings. Stepping inside her home she looked around with fresh eyes. It was the same, but it was different. 

John told her, “I wanted you to have the chance to look around the house, and get your bearings before we called Caroline to bring the twins home.”

“Oh, Sami and Eric! I want to hold them so much.” Marlena walked further into the house, allowing John to help her take her jacket off. Glancing around she realized that all of the photographs on the mantle were different, and then she turned. Staring at the wall of photographs near the French doors, she said, “Oh…”

“You were working on that the day you told me about Shawn’s dream,” John said softly, coming to stand behind her. His hand reached for her shoulder, brushing her hair back. It was an excuse to touch her, and nothing more.

A shiver raced down her spine, and she turned her head slightly to look at him. “Shawn’s dream huh? So I told you about his fascination with Irish pubs?”

Playing with the soft ends of her hair he said, “You did. Brady’s Irish Pub opens a week from today.”

Marlena turned quickly, staring up at John with a smile, “You did that for him?”

John laughed, “I did, but he wouldn’t have agreed without you, Doc. You helped.”

Marlena’s mind went somewhere else…

Shawn stared at Marlena with stubborn eyes, “Listen, I, uh, I appreciate you wantin’ to be a part of this, and–”

“–I am a part of this,” Marlena told him, cutting him off. She wasn’t going to allow Shawn to say no. One, because no matter how much he argued, he wanted this, and second, because him saying no would make John feel like he’d never truly been a Brady at all. “You’re not going to turn that man down, Shawn.”

“It’s already done!” he said in frustration.

“Then undo it,” Marlena told him firmly. She felt tears pricking her eyes, as she said in a softer voice, “Don’t you know how much it would hurt him… if you turn him down? He loves you so much, and he is so–” Her voice caught in her throat as she tried to say the words, “–excited about doing this! Shawn, this family gave him a lot. He wants to repay it.”

John noticed Marlena’s eyes softened around the corners, and he whispered, “Did you remember something?”

“I think so,” she said, staring up at him. “I told him that if he turned you down it would hurt you. I reminded him of how much you love him.”

John hadn’t had any idea of what Marlena had said to Shawn that day last July. He’d known that Marlena had taken Shawn outside, and when they’d come back in, Shawn had agreed to allow John to build the pub, with conditions. Shawn Brady was a proud man, and John accepted his conditions. That day, as with every other instance in their lives, Marlena had fought for him. John wasn’t ashamed to say that Marlena had always championed him. There had never been a point in their lives when he’d felt that she had let him down, although he could recount several where he felt he’d let her down.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You never said too much

But still you showed the way

And I knew from watching you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Are you ready?” John asked her softly, as he stood behind her outside the door to the master bedroom. He’d been by to look at the room the day before. Even redecorated, the memories of that night had washed over him. Marlena had already recalled two separate memories during her time with him, he worried what being in the bedroom might trigger.

Marlena shivered again. He was too close. He wasn’t close enough. Without looking at him, she whispered, “Yes.”

Just as he had at the front door, he reached around her, turning the doorknob. A soft click sounded, and he watched as Marlena slowly pushed the door wide. She stood there for a moment, afraid to step over the threshold. After several long beats, she entered the room, and then she was lost in another memory.

She heard a thump in the hallway, and scrambled up in bed. Someone was in the house. Reaching for the telephone she realized it had no dial tone. The line had been cut. Marlena’s heart started beating so hard, she felt it in her throat. Gasping for air, she struggled to get the blankets off of her legs where they tangled. It was too late, her bedroom door burst open like an explosion, and before she had time to even react, she was hauled from her bed. Nothing was said. No threats. No condescending words. Nothing but the raining blows on her body as she was battered repeatedly by someone in a ski mask. She had no concept of time or how long the beating took place. With one final punch to her abdomen, she was thrown against the end table beside her bed, knocking her lamp to the floor with a resounding crash.

Barely able to breath for the excruciating pain in her abdomen, she reached up slowly, pulling Roman’s gun from the top drawer where she had stashed it only hours before. With a shaky hand she flipped the safety, and just as the man started to come at her again, she fired one shot. 

Marlena turned, and attempted to flee the room with a sharp cry of agony, only to find herself caught in John’s arms. “I can’t be in here!” she gasped, scratching at his arms to get away. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”

Lifting her into his arm, John held her body against him, and turned, walking from the room. Unsure of where to take her, they ended up in the guest room. Marlena sobbed, remembering every detail of that night. She remembered the way the light from the moon was fading into the early morning. She remembered the pain that shot like bolts of lightning across her womb, and she remembered the dead body lying prone on her floor, less than ten feet away, with his blood saturating her carpet.

Her hand went to her abdomen, and she cried softly, “Caleb… I lost Caleb…”

And John held her. He held her wrapped so tightly in his arms that he wasn’t sure where her body ended, and his began. Her choked sobs, and wracking cries broke him in a way he’d never imagined. Neither one of them had been prepared for her memory of that night to come back so suddenly, or so heartbreakingly vivid.

When Brian Schofield had come to her hospital room, attempting to question her about the shooting, she hadn’t remembered the attack. John knew for certain that now she did. 

Marlena’s fingernails scratched at John’s forearm, as she tried to close her eyes, and bury her face in his neck, but nothing would stop it. Nothing.

She stared up into John’s deep blue eyes, and felt herself drifting away. She felt the blood leaving her body with every contraction of her womb. The baby. The baby. Her mind echoed. It’s too late. It was too late. More blood. Hot and sticky between her legs. 

John’s arms were strong. Holding her. Safe. 

She felt his arms tighten around her, as he cried out, “Doc! Oh, G-d! Doc! Baby!”

She pulled his hair, trying to keep herself from drifting into the darkness that was pulling her away. Her last words before she slipped underwater were, “The baby… it’s too late.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Nobody else could ever know

The part of me that can’t let go

And I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

Just to have you back again

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Caroline and Shawn Brady Residence

John never called Caroline to bring the twins home. Instead he took Marlena to Shawn and Caroline’s house. He tucked her into the twin sized bed in Kayla’s old room, and pulled the quilt up over her. The whole time, he mind was caught up in plans. He wasn’t going to abandon her, and he wasn’t going to force her to live in a house that had her reliving trauma over and over again. She couldn’t heal like that. 

“Real or not real,” she whispered. “I killed a man.”

“Real,” he replied softly. “But you were protecting yourself.”

“Real or not real… you love me?” she asked him, her voice becoming more heavy with sleep.

John couldn’t bring himself to answer her until after her breathing evened out, and she drifted off to sleep. Kissing her forehead, he leaned over her, and whispered, “Real…”

Outside in the hallway, he saw Caroline waiting for him. With a heavy sigh, he fell into her arms. “She can’t live there anymore, Caroline. Not after what I just witnessed.”

“She can stay here for as long as she needs to. Her and the children.” Caroline saw in John’s eyes what everyone around them, including herself, was refusing to acknowledge. He may be married to Isabella, he may even love her, but he loved Marlena too, and that could become very complicated. Especially when Roman came home. 

“I’m going to look around tomorrow. I can find a place for them,” he said. “We’re a family right? We can all pull together, and help her through this.”

Caroline thought about her affair with Victor. She still cared for him, even though the man he’d become was a far cry from the man she’d loved. “She can stay with us, John. It’s no problem.”

He smiled down at her, “Marlena won’t stay long. She’ll feel like she’s a burden, and she’ll go back to the house, even though it holds horrible memories for her. We both know that.”

John was right, and Caroline sighed, “I heard there’s a cottage for sale over by the lake. I don’t know the asking price, but–”

“–price doesn’t matter, Caroline.” John was quiet for a moment, reading every unsaid word in Caroline’s eyes. She was thinking about how this might be perceived. She was thinking about how it might affect Isabella. But none of that mattered to him at the moment. Placing his hand on Caroline’s arm, John said softly, “Price doesn’t matter. But Marlena, Eric, Sami, and Carrie? They matter.”

He’d left out Isabella. She would be upset when she found out. Afterall, planning to buy a house for his ex-wife bordered on inappropriate, but it wouldn’t stop him. 

“If you’re sure,” Caroline whispered.

“I’ll check it out tomorrow.” The next few months were going to be difficult for Marlena. She couldn’t work because of her memory issues. Roman was gone, although that was probably for the best. He hadn’t mentioned to Marlena that she was about to be cut off from health insurance as well, because having no job meant having no insurance. Kim had agreed to start seeing Marlena for therapy, so in that respect there wouldn’t be fees. John would cover everything else. The Brady’s, all of them, were going to have to pull together to get her through this. A cottage by the lake sounded like the perfect place to start the healing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Just to have you back again

Just to touch you once again

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: Everything I Own – Bread

Chapter 14 – Ocean Eyes

Isabella and John Black Loft

September 18, 1992

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’ve been watching you for some time

Can’t stop starin’ at those ocean eyes

Burning cities and napalm skies

Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes

Ocean eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John descended the stairs carrying his son in his arms like a football. Brady had his head tilted up,  staring at him with deep soulful brown eyes, and the widest toothless smile. He reached for John’s face, and John thought that for the first time in his life he had something that was truly his. No one could take his son away, because Brady would always be his. “Your  mom has left us to our own devices, little man. So what would you like for a snack?”

Brady stared up at his father, and cooed as if he had a full fledged response ready and waiting.

“Is that so?” John asked him, with a grin. “Well, you asked for it. Rice cereal it is.”

Reaching for Brady’s car seat, John sat it up on the kitchen island with a heavy plop. Isabella hated it when he did that, but she wasn’t home. Settling Brady into it, John fastened the straps around his son, and started reaching for the items he needed from the cabinets. “So, I did something your mother isn’t going to be happy about, but I had to go with my gut on this one.”

Brady stared at his father with wide eyes watching everything the older man was doing.

“I bought the cottage by the lake yesterday. Caroline told me about it, and when I went to look at it, I gotta tell you, buddy, it was perfect. It had enough space for Marlena, and Sami, and Eric… even Carrie if she decides to stay there.” John rinsed the spoon he used to mix Brady’s cereal, and reached for the tiny one built just for Brady’s small mouth. “Now, I just gotta figure out how to tell your mother.”

John knew Isabella was going to be angry. She would be furious. Not about the money, because they certainly had enough of that. She would be angry about the purchase because of who it was for, and why he’d done it. Isabella’s jealousy was becoming more obvious, even though he knew she was trying to control it. Prior to Marlena coming back to Salem he hadn’t realized how possessive Isabella was. As much as he tried to reassure her that nothing was going on between him and Marlena, he knew he was lying to her. 

Physically there was nothing going on between him and Marlena, but emotionally on both sides there was something. With Marlena it was more obvious. Soft touches, lingering looks, and occasionally a whisper of I love you. On his side, he held it all back. It was building inside him every time he was with her, but he’d made a commitment to Isabella, and he had to honor that. He’d made a commitment to her, but he was lying to her. 

Marlena had always said that a lie by omission was still a lie. He’d lied to Isabella about Marlena being his therapist long after she wasn’t. He’d never told Isabella about what had happened with Danielle in Stockholm, and while he wasn’t physically involved with Marlena, he was too involved emotionally. He felt like the biggest heel, and all he could do was double down, and focus on his family. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Isabella that he had cheated on her with Danielle while he was in Stockholm. The emotions surrounding that whole trip were too complicated, and he didn’t believe Isabella would understand. Not really. He didn’t fully understand. 

He did, however, have to tell Isabella about the lakeside cottage, there was no way around it.

Looking down at Brady, John slipped some cereal into his son’s mouth, saying, “You know what’s wrong with this situation, little man? The fact that I’m even considering not telling your mother, especially when I know she’ll find out. You know what that makes me? A coward. It makes me a coward.”

Brady grinned, spitting rice cereal out, and laughing as it ran down his chin. He gurgled away happily with absolutely no understanding of his father’s problem.

John heard the lock on the loft door rattle, and when he turned to see Isabella enter, she stared at him with hard eyes. Fuck. She already knew. From the look on her face, she knew. John didn’t say anything right away. He wiped the mess of cereal off of Brady’s face, and said, “I guess we need to talk.”

“I ran into our realtor this morning, John.” Isabella hung her jacket on the coat rack, and settled her purse on the table by the door. She was furious, and there was a deep pain in her chest that had settled there. She was losing him. Maybe not in the more obvious ways, but he was drifting away an inch at a time. “Funny. I didn’t realize we had a realtor, but she’s absolutely certain that we are going to love our cottage on the lake.”

Lifting Brady from his seat, John said softly, “I don’t want to argue in front of Brady.”

“When were you planning to tell me that you’d done this, John?” she asked him, barely able to tamp down her fury. 

“I was actually planning to tell you as soon as you came home. I didn’t think you would run into the damned realtor.” He held Brady in his arms gently bouncing him while patting him on the back. “I swear Izzy-B, I was going to tell you.”

Isabella couldn’t manage to tone down her vitriol, “So, we continue to live in this cramped loft, but you’ve gone out, and bought Marlena and her children a home by the lake?”

John was slightly taken aback, “I thought you like the loft?”

In frustration she threw up her hands, “I do! But you bought Marlena a house, John! Did you even consider how that looks?”

Holding Brady with one arm, John held out his other one calmly, “Do you see that? Do you see those scratches, Izzy-B? Those were made by Marlena as she screamed, and panicked remembering what had happened to her. I won’t make her live in that house, I won’t, and as stubborn as she is… she won’t ask for help, and she won’t continue to stay with the Brady’s. She’ll leave, and she’ll go back to that house where it all happened. She’ll have nightmares. She’ll be plagued with memories, and she won’t be able to recover at all.”

Isabella stared at the deep scratches on John’s arm. Those marks were on both of his arms. They’d been there for the last four days, and neither one of them had mentioned them, even though they were obvious. John had briefly told her that Marlena had remembered her attack, and that he’d taken her to Caroline and Shawn’s house. That was the end of it.

“She is no longer your responsibility, John. She’s not.” Isabella stared at him with heartbroken eyes.

There was nothing more he could say. Not really, but he tried anyway. He settled Brady into his playpen, and turned to face his wife. She stared at him, and he stepped closer, cupping her face in his hands, “I failed her. Don’t you understand that? I failed her twice. When Orpheus blew up my house, and we thought she was dead… and then, when her plane went down, and Stefano had her for five years. I was the one who failed her.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” she said, pulling away from him. “You had no idea.”

“I should have searched harder. Orpheus fooled me the first time, and he fooled me the second.” John rubbed his palms over his face roughly. “She can’t remember 90% of the last year, which means she can’t work as a psychiatrist, and she won’t have health insurance. She won’t be able to pay rent somewhere… She needs to heal, Izzy-B. She needs the people who care about her to rally around her, and support her while she does.”

“She has the whole Brady family,” Isabella said. “Why does it have to be you?”

Softly he said, “I told you why.”

“John, she’s not your wife anymore. I am,” Isabella said, her eyes filling with tears.

“I know that. I do, but financially I have the means to help her with this. She can focus on healing and re-forming those bonds with the children.” John tried to reach out to Isabella, but she stepped back. With a deep sigh he said, “Shawn and Caroline are taking care of Shawn-D, they’re worried about Marlena and the twins, they’re worried about Roman and Kayla… Bo’s in the hospital. Kim’s stressed about Shane’s involvement with this Torres case, plus she’s got Andrew and Jeannie… please don’t make this any harder, Izzy-B. If I’m a Brady like Shawn says… then I’ve got to help family, and Marlena and those kids are my family.”

Isabella whispered, “And what about this family, John?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

No Fair

You really know how to make me cry

When you gimme those ocean eyes

I’m scared

I’ve never fallen from quite this high

Dallin’ into your ocean eyes

Those ocean eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Caroline and Shawn Brady Residence

Abe sat across from Marlena at the dining room table, and asked her softly, “Why did you put Roman’s service revolver in the bedside table that night, Marlena?”

“I was scared,” she said softly, remembering that she pulled the lockbox down from the shelf in the closet behind the front door. “I don’t remember why I was scared. I feel like Roman–I mean John should have been there, but that’s not right, is it? I knew I was getting Roman’s gun… but I remember it like it was John’s Roman…”

Abe felt so much pain at her obvious confusion. He felt bad about his continued questioning, but he wanted to close the case. There would be no charges filed against Marlena, and the man she’d shot had been identified as someone who worked for Raffi Torres. All he needed were the last few details.

Marlena was tired. It was not even three o’clock in the afternoon, and she had been through the attack twice already. She wished John were here. If only to support her, or hold her hand, but she had to face the truth. She was on her own, at least emotionally.

The door opened, and as if by divine intervention, John poked his head in. As soon as he saw her, he smiled widely, “Hey, Doc.”

The weight that had been sitting on her and making her weary lifted. With a soft smile, she replied, “John.”

There were a million emotions in between them. Abe saw it right away. Three words spoken, but a million that remained unsaid. Abe told John, “I was just going through what happened the night Marlena was attacked one last time.”

John stared at Abe with frustration. He’d prefer that Brian Schofield do the questioning, but Marlena trusted Abe. She had no idea he’d been the one to help Roman leave Salem, thereby inadvertently leaving her vulnerable. John wasn’t going to tell her. She would remember what she needed to remember in time, and Marcus and Tom had both been very clear not to push her.

“Come sit with me,” Marlena said, pulling a chair beside her. 

John settled next to her without a word, reaching out to lace his fingers through hers.

Abe asked Marlena, “So, you don’t remember why you put the gun in the bedside table?”

“I was scared,” she said, trying to recall more, but realizing that nothing was coming to her. “I was–I was home alone… and I was scared, but I don’t know why I was scared.”

John stared at Abe with hard eyes, but said nothing. A security guard he’d hired to protect Marlena had died that night. He’d been killed by the man Torres sent to attack Marlena, but she didn’t know that either. 

“What can you tell me about the attack?” Abe asked.

Marlena remembered the door flying open with a crash, and being pulled from her bed. “I tried to protect the baby. I remember curling around my stomach, trying to keep Caleb safe. It felt like it went on for hours… although it was probably just minutes.” Marlena seemed to drift off for a moment, and then she said, “He threw me against the end table, and I reached for the gun and fired it.”

“And how did you know how to use it?” Abe asked her gently.

“Roman… I mean, John. John taught me. He took me to the gun range at the precinct once. I–I don’t like guns, but he said that I needed to know how to use one.” Marlena looked over at John, and whispered, “Thank you for that, because it saved my life.”

Abe finished writing down what she’d said, and then reached for her hand, “Can you recall anything else that might be important from that night?”

All she remembered was staring into John’s deep ocean eyes, as she cried over the knowledge that she was going to lose the baby. Without thinking she said, “I told Roman I was losing our baby.”

Abe and John shared a look of sadness, because she’d thought that the baby was John’s, and she’d believed that John was Roman.

Marlena saw the look between then, and said softly, “I mean–”

John put his arm around her, kissing the top of her head, “It’s okay, Doc. Abe knows what you meant.”

“I think I have enough information to close the case. There won’t be any charges against you, Marlena. It’s a solid case of self defense,” Abe told them standing up. He stretched his back, and then glanced at John. “Could I speak with you outside for a moment?”

“I’ll be right back, Doc.” John pinched her chin with a smile. “Go get ready to go. I’ve got somewhere to take you.”

Marlena looked surprised. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” he laughed, following Abe out the front door. Behind him he heard Marlena groan in frustration.

Outside, Abe turned to him. “I saw that you still have a guard on Marlena.”

“And I will continue to have a guard on her until the Salem PD does it’s fucking job,” John growled.

Abe sighed, “Look, John, I tried to get the commissioner to agree to 24-hour police protection, but he seems to think that this is going to be wrapped up quickly, and he’s not budging. I can put an officer on the house when she goes home.”

“She won’t be going to the house. The memories are too difficult.” John stared at Abe but said nothing else.

Abe knew he wasn’t getting any more information out of John. When he’d decided to help Roman, the trust between him and John had been broken. He could either work to repair it, or accept that things would never be the same. “For what it’s worth, John… I’m sorry. I am.” 

“So am I, Abraham. So am I.” John turned and entered the house without another word. Opening the front door he stepped inside, calling, “You ready to go, Doc?”

Marlena rushed into the room, pulling a familiar soft beige sweater over her head. John recognized it immediately. A soft cashmere, that felt like butter against her skin. He smiled when her head popped out, and she gasped, “I’m ready!”

“Where did you find that sweater?” he asked her, remembering the day he’d given it to her. 

Marlena smoothed her hands over the soft knit, “Caroline had it. Can you believe that? She said I’d left it here, and she didn’t have the heart to get rid of it. She was saving it for Carrie or Sami, but she just pulled it out of the closet for me.” 

John wrapped his arm around her shoulders, steering her towards the door, “Well, Doc, it still looks amazing. What do you say to a meal before we go to where I’m taking you?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’ve been walkin’ through a world gone blind

Can’t stop thinkin’ of your diamond mind

Careful creature made friends of time

He left her lonely with a diamond mind

And those ocean eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena’s Lakeside Cottage

Marlena was silent as John drove them out of town towards the lake. When he turned onto Lakeshore Drive, she glanced over, but still he was silent. Once they reached the point where the lake started to curve around, he pulled off onto a wide driveway in front of one of the prettiest houses she’d ever seen. She’d admired it before, but at the time it had fallen into disrepair. What stood before her had been restored to its original beauty. It had been painted a steel blue gray color with white trim. The front door had a curved entry, with lamps, and a small front porch. The sun was just starting to go down, and it was lit from the inside. After several seconds, she looked at John, “What are we doing here?”

As if it were nothing out of the ordinary, he leaned back in his seat, and rolled his shoulders. “I wanted you to see your new home, Doc.”

“My new home? John… I don’t understand,” she whispered, staring at the house in front of her in awe.

John opened his door, and slid out of the Jeep. Marlena was reacting exactly how he’d expected her to, but that wasn’t going to stop him. Jogging around to her side, he opened her door, and leaned forward, unbuckling her seatbelt. Reaching for her hand, he tugged her gently, “Let’s go.”

Marlena stumbled after him, trying to get control of her feet. Walking her towards the front door, he stood behind her, just as he had done a few days earlier. John placed his hands on her shoulders, and whispered, “The code is 101984.”

She was still in a state of shock as she typed in the numbers. It was the twins’ birthday. She watched the keypad flash green, and then heard the click of the lock. John reached around her, opening the door, and pushed it wide. A soft gasp escaped her, “John…”

His breath wafted over her ear when he said gently, “Welcome home, Doc.”

Marlena turned to face him with tears welling in her eyes, “What did you do?”

John used the pads of his thumbs to wipe the tears from her face, “I got you a home, Doc. A place to heal, a place to call home…” Marlena shook her head as if to refuse him, but he wouldn’t let her speak, “Let me show you around.” He pointed to the immediate left, telling her, “There’s a small mudroom for the kids’ backpacks, and coats. They can put their boots there when it’s raining or snowing as well.”

Marlena was flabbergasted as he pulled her further into the home, saying, “The layout is pretty open in here. There were some renovations done, and that seems to be the new thing everybody wants – open floor plans.” He smiled sheepishly when Marlena cocked an eyebrow at him, telling her, “Well that’s what the realtor said anyway.” They walked through the main living area towards the right side of the home, and John pointed towards the back, “There is a bedroom back there with its own bathroom that is perfect for Carrie, and upstairs…”

Marlena stared around, unsure of how to react. John was going through this quickly, just to keep her from saying no. She knew that’s what he was doing, and there was a part of her that wanted to stop him, and refuse, but there was another part of her that was so much in love with him, that his gesture warmed her heart. He knew her better than she knew herself sometimes. Staring at the scratches on his arm, she remembered her reaction to being in the house on Sycamore. He knew what she needed, and he’d provided it. Could she really refuse it? Did she want to?

They reached the top of the stairs, and John pulled her to the left, “Eric and Sami’s rooms will be over here, and there’s a Jack and Jill bathroom for them to share.”

“John, this is too much,” she whispered, feeling overwhelmed.

“It’s not,” he said. “Let’s go look at the master bedroom. I think you’re going to love it.”

Trailing behind him, her eyes went wide when they entered what he’d referred to as the master bedroom. It was actually a master suite. To the left was a sitting area that looked out over the lake, and to the right was the most beautiful set of French doors that opened onto a rooftop veranda. The bathroom had a massive soaking tub with a walk-in shower next to it, and if you continued through you found yourself standing in the walk-in closet. 

John spun her to face him, and she stared up at him. His face was so full of hope as he looked down at her. “So? What do you think?” he asked her excitedly.

“You can’t do this,” she whispered. It was too much.

“It’s already done,” he told her. He smiled wide, “No take backs.”

His eyes were so blue she thought she could get lost in them. She couldn’t let him do this. It was too much, and it would probably hurt Isabella so badly. “What will Isabella think?”

“Isabella already knows,” John said looking away. “She wasn’t happy at first, but she understood why.”

Marlena ran her fingers over the scratches she’d put along his arm four days earlier, “If I was your wife, I don’t think I would understand, John.”

He closed his eyes, pushing down his physical response to the feel of her fingers skating across his skin. “Look, I know you’re going to try and find reasons why this isn’t a good idea, but let me tell you why it is. You are going to need a space to work with Kim for therapy, and there’s an office space off to the side there. The twins love to swim and fish, and the lake is right out your back door. We can get them life jackets and everything. Carrie’s not ready to live on her own yet, but you have to admit that Shawn and Caroline’s place is more than a little crowded right now. Having her own space downstairs and the freedom to come and go will give her the independence she craves, while still letting her stay at home, and the twins will have their own rooms. Think about it.”

“I’m not your responsibility anymore,” she said in a choked voice. Her palm settled on his chest, right over his heart, and she closed her eyes. “This gesture, as amazing as it is… we both know it’s too much.”

“I don’t care,” he told her, placing his hand over hers. “I don’t care. Please, Marlena… don’t tell me no on this.”

She sighed, opening her eyes to see his blue eyes darken as they stared down at her. A shiver raced down her spine, “John…”

“I want this for you,” he said softly. “I want this for the kids.”

Marlena looked around, still unsure.

“Wait!” He pulled her towards the landing at the top of the stairs, and then tugged her after him as he went back down. 

“John!” Marlena laughed, stumbling over her feet yet again.

“You’ve got to see this backyard, Doc.” He pushed open another set of French doors, and Marlena stepped out onto the most beautiful porch she’d ever seen. The moon was reflecting off of the water of the lake, and there was a fire pit down in the yard. John pulled her towards a sofa sitting off to the left. He sank into it with a sigh and patted the cushion beside him. “Have a seat.”

Reluctantly she sat down. John wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into his shoulder. His chest rumbled with his voice, “Think about it. Sitting out here with the kids on cool nights. Reading a book… maybe one of those boring medical journals you like.”

“I wouldn’t call them boring,” she replied with a frown. 

“You own cottage by the lake,” he said as if he were trying to entice her.

“This is not a cottage, John Black. This is a house. You bought me a whole house,” she told him in frustration. Calling it a cottage made a person think it was small and quaint.

John tipped his face down to hers, “Do you like it?”

“That’s besides the point!” she exclaimed loudly.

“Do you like it?” he asked her again, wanting so badly for her to say yes.

Marlena sighed, smiling slightly, “I like it.”

Leaning back, he squeezed her shoulder, and he smiled to himself when Marlena started to relax against him, “You know, Doc. I want you to know that I will always take care of you and the kids. Don’t tell me that you’re not my responsibility… I will always look out for you, because I want to. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” she said softly. She stared out over the lawn, and realized that, even as fall approached, there were still fireflies lighting up across the grass. It truly was a beautiful home. Marlena took a deep breath, and allowed her head to fall onto John’s shoulder. Her eyes closed. She was exhausted. Mickey had stopped by to discuss her divorce filing, which she was going forward with. Abe had questioned her for more than two hours, and she was still recovering from her surgery. It had been a long day. With a quiet sigh, she said, “I’m filing for divorce from Roman. I met with Mickey today.”

John’s gut clenched. His mind went wild. She’d be free, and he’d be… no. He couldn’t think like that. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s not much to say. I don’t remember being with him. I know what happened, and how we came home together. I know that he’s Caleb’s father, but something is missing, and I think… something was missing the whole time, and I just refused to acknowledge it.” She was silent for several beats and then she said, “Plus… it’s not fair to try, and make something work when I’m in love with you.”

John was quiet, unable to say anything.

Her voice was barely above a whisper, “I have to learn to be on my own. The children and I… we have to figure out how to make our own way, you know?”

John tipped her chin up so that she was looking at him fully, “As long as you understand that there are people in your life who care about you. Me, Kim, Kayla, Shawn, Caroline, Bo…?”

“I know,” she whispered.

John swallowed thickly, looking away before he did something he’d regret. He cleared his throat and stared out over the lake, “So, Doc? What do you say about the cottage?”

“It’s a house,” she replied stubbornly.

He glanced down at her, “I need an answer.”

She rested her head back on his shoulder, “Okay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

No fair

You really know how to make me cry

When you gimme those ocean eyes

I’m scared

I’ve never fallen from quite this high

Fallin’ into your ocean eyes

Those ocean eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: Ocean Eyes – Billie Eilish

Chapter 15 – Everybody Knows

Brady Pub, Salem

September 21, 1992

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Tell me now if you came sneaking up behind

Would you know me and see behind the smile?

I can change like colors on a wall

Hoping no one else will find what lies beneath it all

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena stood outside the pub, staring up at the full moon while listening to the cacophony of voices from within. The opening was a huge success. It was full of patrons and jovial spirit. The whole family was there, except for Roman, of course. Bo had been released  from the hospital, and his girlfriend seemed happy about it, hanging on his arm, and beaming up at him with a wide smile. Although Marlena didn’t remember her, she’d been told by Kim that they were great friends. 

She’d been in the back kitchen, helping Caroline with the food, and when she’d finally come out into the main area, she’d been uncomfortable almost immediately. Isabella seemed to be staring daggers at her across the room, and Marlena felt uncomfortable. As if Isabella were trying to prove that she had such close relationships with everyone. Marlena knew that Isabella was trying to intentionally alienate her, but that was because Isabella was insecure. Marlena didn’t have the energy or the inclination to play childish games.

Isabella held Brady in her arms, and as much as Marlena had wanted to see the child, she didn’t feel as if her presence was welcomed. It was confusing. Isabella’s behavior didn’t seem like something that John would be attracted to, but as Marlena watched her, she realized that with everyone else in the room Isbella was pleasant and kind. She only seemed angry, and standoffish with Marlena. 

After meeting Caroline’s kind eyes, Marlena had taken a deep breath, and walked outside. Very often over the last few days she’s found herself overwhelmed. The only thing that seemed to help was long walks, fresh air, and sitting on the pier. 

Caroline had watched her go with sadness. Prior to Marlena’s recent amnesia, Caroline wouldn’t have thought that Isabella had a mean bone in her body, but as she watched Marlena leave the pub, she turned to look at Isabella with hard eyes. Looking away quickly, Isabella smiled when Kayla reached for Brady. Maybe she was imagining things. Caroline looked through the front window of the pub, and saw Marlena standing alone in the moonlight. She was a picture of loneliness. 

“She’s okay, ye know,” Shawn murmured softly in her ear. “Marlena is a strong woman, and this will all work itself out.”

“I don’t know, Shawn. I saw something just now… in Isabella’s face,” Caroline replied.

“She’s jealous. Things are confusin’ right now fer everyone. That’s all.” Shawn put his arm around his wife in an effort to reassure her. “You’ll see, Caroline. It’ll all work itself out. Roman will come home, and all of this will smooth out.”

Caroline’s eyes were drawn again to Marlena’s standing outside with her face tipped to the night sky. 

Less optimistic than Shawn, Caroline didn’t have the heart to tell him that she thought that Roman coming home would ultimately change nothing, because when he chose to leave he’d set the wheels in motion for their lives to take a completely different turn.

Marlena rubbed at her shoulders briskly, trying to ignore the growing chill in her skin. Glancing at her watch with a sigh she knew it was too early to disappear for the night. It was difficult, trying to maintain distance from John, when all she wanted to do was find him, and tell him about how adorable Sami and Eric were earlier as they discussed having their own rooms. She wanted to tell him about Carrie agreeing to move into the new house with them, because Marlena had worried that once she’d told Carrie about the divorce she would refuse. She wanted to share all of the goings on of her day with him, because she loved him. Every fiber of her being craved it, but she couldn’t. 

Marlena looked back inside the pub, and saw Kayla bouncing little Brady in her arms with a big smile. Isabella chatted with her, and she seemed so friendly. With a sigh she glanced towards the pier. What she wouldn’t give to walk down there, and settle into a bench just to listen to the river water splash against the pilings or the sound of the buoys. Anything to free her from this torment she found herself locked in. She started to turn, to go back inside the pub when she heard, “Doc…”

It was John, calling out to her in a voice so soft, he might as well as caressed her face, and whispered I love you. When she faced him, she had to physically refrain from reaching for him. “I didn’t realize you were out here.”

“Isabella wanted to get Brady home in a little while. She’s got him settled into a sleep schedule…” John’s voice trailed off when he saw the pain in Marlena’s eyes. Finishing lamely, he held up his hand with the blanket, “I thought she might need an extra blanket since it’s getting cooler.”

“That’s a good idea,” Marlena replied softly. “He’s a beautiful baby.”

John hesitated, wondering if he should even bring up how much she was hurting. He couldn’t ignore it, but talking about it was difficult as well. He reached for her hand, softly caressing the top of her hand with the side of his thumb, “You know, Doc, I wish there was something I could say… some magic words that would make you feel better.”

Marlena stared at him for a moment, before she whispered, “I don’t think there are any magic words, John. Just knowing that you care, and watching you…” Marlena was silent for a moment, staring up at him. He was beautiful, so beautiful she felt that ache in her chest. Squeezing his hand, she smiled brightly. “You know, you don’t have to freeze out here with me to show that you care. I’m fine.”

Still holding her hand, he stepped closer, “Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“Well, aren’t you?” she asked him. 

John whispered, “Marlena…” 

She could smell the musky scent of his cologne mixed with soap, and she took a deep breath, holding his essence in her lungs. Releasing it, she could barely choke out her next words, “I just needed some fresh air… this is… difficult. Watching you with Isabella and Brady, coming to terms with that… it’s hard, John.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re hurting.” He shook his head, lifting his hand, he softly caressed her cheek, “The last thing I would ever want is to hurt you.”

“Go inside, John,” Marlena replied quietly. “I just… I just need a moment to get myself together.” There was nothing else to say. Her heart was breaking. It broke again every time she saw him, and remembered that he wasn’t hers to love. 

“Doc…” He didn’t want to leave her there like that. He wanted to pull her into his arms, and hold her the way he craved. If only their lives were different.

“Please, John?” Marlena wiped at her eyes furiously. “I can’t have swollen eyes… Caroline will notice.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think I hide it all so well

Stepping out, everyone can see my face

All the things I can’t erase from my life

Everybody knows

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena slipped back into the pub quietly, and the only ones who seemed to notice were Caroline and John. John’s back had been turned as he laughed with Bo and Kayla, while bouncing Brady in his arms, but Caroline saw him pause, if only momentarily, when Marlena returned. Her eyes were slightly reddened, and puffy, so Caroline could only assume she’d been crying. 

Softly behind her, Caroline heard Kim say, “We’ll help her through this, Mama.”

“I worry about her,” Caroline said. “She’s been through so much… so much. Marlena never should have suffered the way she has, and now this.”

Kim checked to make sure that no one else was listening, and then she said softly, “I’m starting therapy with her soon, but you should know, she’s decided to file for divorce from Roman. I spoke with her about it, and her reasons… they make sense. She doesn’t known Roman anymore–”

“–but she might remember,” Caroline said. “If her memories return.”

“Mom, with this type of amnesia… they might not. She can learn through therapy how to recognize memories that might be confabulated, but a sudden recall of the last year is unlikely.” Kim watched Marlena slip back towards the kitchen with a tray of empty beer mugs, and told her mother, “She told me, that even though she can’t recall having marital problems with Roman, she has a very strong feeling that she wasn’t happy, and I agree with her. She hasn’t been happy, even before Roman left. You have to know that.”

Caroline sighed, “I thought that it was a rough patch… that maybe they were having a difficult time adjusting, and then… well, Caleb. Caleb brought me so much hope that they were working things out.”

Kim watched John excuse himself, and make his way back into the kitchen, and she took a deep breath. John and Marlena were always going to seek each other out. Isabella returned from the back of the house with Brady’s diaper bag, and her coat. Kim saw her looking around for John, and then she heard her ask Carly, “Did you see where John went?”

“Into the kitchen, I think,” Carly told Isabella. “He said something about introducing Brady to Marlena.”

There was no way to miss the look of possessiveness that crossed Isabella’s face before she plastered a smile on. “Oh, ok. I guess I’ll go, and get him.”

Kim wasn’t certain how long John would be able to handle Isabella smothering him. She also wasn’t sure how long John would be able to continue lying to himself about his feelings for Marlena. To Caroline she said softly, “I think that Marlena divorcing Roman is the right thing to do. He’ll be hurt at first, but he’s… he’s created this situation.”

Caroline looked at Kim with sharp eyes,” What are you saying?”

“Ma! Roman came home, and he’s worked excessively. He’s rarely home, and he misses almost every school event the twins have. I know because I’m there. He can’t be bothered to be home for dinner, and this decision to run off after Torres… he put the final nail in the coffin, Ma.”

“You’re saying that Marlena’s attack was Roman’s fault?” Caroline asked her daughter in surprise.

“No, I’m not saying it was his fault, but his actions led to her attack, Now their child has died as a result. Roman made his bed, Ma. Now he’s got to lay in,” Kim said softly. “Maybe that sounds harsh, but if he’s not making choices to keep his family safe… if he’s not choosing to put them first, then Marlena needs to cut that link, and find her way on her own.”

“But is she on her own?” Caroline asked, thinking about the lakeside cottage John had just purchased. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Standing out so you won’t forget my name

That’s the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John entered the kitchen with Brady tucked inside his arm facing the world. Marlena heard the door, and jumped, turning quickly. Seeing John with his arm full of baby, she smiled wide. She reached for the towel nearby to dry her hands, and said softly, “I was just washing up some of the glasses from the bar.”

“I thought you might like to meet Brady,” he said. “I mean… you’ve met him before. You were at his birth, and his Christening, but you don’t remember those times…”

Marlena smiled at John’s adorable awkwardness, and she stepped closer. “I’d like that.” Reaching her hands out, she asked, “Can I hold him?”

Tears were stinging at the back of his eyes. She was so wary. She’d been avoiding him the whole evening… or maybe she’d been avoiding Isabella. Afterall Isabella wasn’t exactly welcoming. He jolted slightly at the touch of Marlena’s fingers across his as he passed his son to her. Sighing gently, John said, “I wanted to apologize for Isabella–”

“–John, you don’t need to. I understand.” She held Brady’s small body against hers, and thought about Caleb. Brady was so small, soft, and warm. Leaning her nose down to the top of his silken hair, she breathed deeply. Finally she looked up, and found John standing close to her. His hand covered hers on Brady’s back. Marlena took a deep breath, “If I were Isabella, and found myself in a similar situation… I would be jealous. I would be concerned. She’s afraid, John. She’s afraid that I want to steal you away. Maybe she’s worried that you have feelings for me–”

“–Doc.”

“I understand that. I understand that because everytime I see you with her, I feel jealous… I do want you, and maybe I shouldn’t admit that, but my mind… I’m struggling right now. It will get easier with time.” Marlena was quiet for a moment. Looking down at Brady, the baby glanced up at her with sleepy eyes. “It’s odd,” she whispered. “His eyes are brown, but there is so much kindness there. He has kind eyes… he has your eyes.”

Brady laid his head on Marlena’s chest with a soft baby sigh, and that’s when her first tears started to trail over his cheeks. “He’s beautiful, John.”

Without thinking, John murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

“You can’t say those things to me anymore.” She brushed her hand over Brady’s back one last time, and said, “He really is a beautiful baby.”

Deciding she had heard enough, Isabella pushed the kitchen door wide, and entered the room. Refusing to acknowledge Marlena’s presence, she told her husband, “I think Shawn was saying something about the traditional Brady toasts. He’s waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me?” John asked.

Marlena decided to ignore Isabella’s blatant hostility, and she touched his arm softly, “You’re a Brady, John. He’s waiting for you.”

Looking between his wife and Marlena, John felt his gut clench. He swallowed thickly, adjusting Brady in his arms. “Did you hear that, little man? We’ve got a toast to give.” He reached for Isabella’s hand, and smiled at Marlena.

Marlena felt like her heart broke a little more as he exited the kitchen with his wife. She wiped at the tears that fell from her eyes, and she lifted her head high on her shoulders. She would not cower in the kitchen. She was as much a part of the family as Isabella.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Looking through the crowd

I search for something else

But everytime I turn around

I run into myself

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Shawn held his glass high, staring around the room at his family. The pub had closed, and the grand opening was a huge success, one he intended to celebrate with the people he loved most. Staring into the large group, he said loudly, “Here’s to the land of the shamrock so green…Here’s to each lad and his darlin’ colleen… Here’s to the ones we love dearest and most. May G-d bless old Ireland, that’s this Irishman’s toast!”

The room was full of cheers, and Marlena’s eyes lit up with happiness. She had so many memories of family gatherings with John and the children, and in that moment, even with John across the room, she caught his eyes, and felt as if she were standing right next to him. When he winked at her, she felt her gut clench, and the butterflies released like a swarm. John would always set her heart to racing.

Kim cleared her throat, raising her glass, as the family became silent, “Always remember to forget, the troubles that passed away, but never forget to remember, the blessings that come each day.”

Bo raised his glass, and glanced over at Kayla, “I know Steve’s not here right now, so I figured you could do this one with me.”

“Anything for you little brother.” Kayla hoisted herself out of the chair she was sitting in, and walked over to him, her walk indicative of being late into her pregnancy. “You want to start?”

Bo glanced around the room with a big smile. He still looked weak, and his recovery was long from over, but he was home, and he was happy. “May those who love you love you, and those who don’t love you…”

Kayla leaned her head on her brother’s shoulder as she held up her glass of water, “May God turn their hearts. And if he doesn’t turn their hearts…”

Shawn-D started laughing, and yelled, “May he turn their ankles so you’ll know them by their limping!”

The room burst into laughter, as Shawn called out jovially, “We’re trainin’ em young!”

“I’ve got a toast!” Eric said, rushing up in front of the bar. “Me and Sami. We got one.”

“Yeah!” Sami called running to stand next to Eric. “We wanna say, we’re glad grandpa got a pub, and we like it.”

“And it’s gonna be great, and make alotta money!” Eric said with a smile.

Marlena stared at her children with the widest, proudest smile. Sami ran over to her, crashing into her legs, closely followed by Eric. Smiling up at Marlena, Sami whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Eric said. “I love you a lot.”

Small arms wrapped around her from the back, and Marlena felt Carrie rest her head on her back, “I love you too.”

John watched them, wishing he were a part of that huddle. He could feel Isabella watching him, but he’d also seen sadness in Marlena all evening. He reached for his tankard of beer, and stepped to the front of the pub.

Suddenly the room went silent, and Marlena turned to find John staring at her with his glass in the air, “My toast, as we all know, is one I always used to do with Marlena… so come on over here lady.”

She could feel the blush rising in her cheeks as she reached for her beer sitting on the table beside her. Sami shouted, “Yay! It’s mommy and Daddy John’s turn!”

She stepped up beside him feeling the heat of his arm as it pressed against her, and John smiled, “You ready, Doc? Do you remember it?”

“I remember,” she said softly. Looking at a room full of her family, and friends, she said, “May the luck of the Irish, Lead to happiest heights…”

John smiled down at her, “And the highway you travel, Be lined with green lights…”

Marlena looked away from John’s intense gaze, and met Kim’s eyes. She smiled at Marlena in reassurance, and Marlena took a deep breath, glancing back up at John, “Wherever you go and whatever you do…”

He found himself wondering how many different shades of color actually made up blonde, as he finished, “May the luck of the Irish be there with you.”

Marlena’s moment of joy was soured, as her glance met Isabella’s. All she saw there was sadness.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Here I stand

Consumed with my surrounding

Just another day

Of everybody looking

I swore they’d never see me cry

Never see me cry

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena sat with her bare feet dangling over the side of the pier at nearly midnight. Her security guard hovered somewhere in the shadows, but he kept to his space, and Marlena kept to hers. The street lamps lit up the pier giving it a hazy quality. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back listening to the lap of the water against the pilings. She heard John’s footsteps approaching before she saw him, and then a whispered conversation behind her as John dismissed the guard. His words were carried on the breeze, and even though they weren’t intended to be, they felt like a caress, “You can go ahead, and go home for the night, Steve. Randy is at the house already, and I’ve got my gun.”

John turned, and watched Marlena as she sat on the edge of the pier. Her shoes were kicked carelessly to the side, and she was bundled into her jacket. Isabella had left a few hours earlier, right after the toasts were done, but even with Isabella gone, Marlena had been distracted. Sitting beside her, he said, “The pub is cleaned, and everything is closed up. I thought I would walk you back.”

Marlena scooted closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes, and allowed herself to relax against him for a moment. “Is this going to get any easier?”

“With time. It’s just going to take some time.” John took a deep breath, breathing in her shampoo, and her perfume, before kissing the top of her head. “We all just need to take this one day at a time.”

“I spoke with the movers today. I’m going to let them take care of everything… I think it’s best that I don’t go back to the house again.”

“Are you having nightmares, Doc?” John worried about her. Every night when he went to sleep he wondered if she was okay. There were times when he saw her that she seemed so tired, but she always said she was fine, and he didn’t think she would tell him the truth. 

“Some,” she said softly. Lifting her head, she looked up at him, “I’m fine. It’s just my mind… adjusting to changes in my life.” She saw the concern in his eyes, “You don’t need to worry about me.”

“I will always worry about you,” he replied. “And why, if I may ask, are your shoes up here on the pier?”

Marlena looked at him as if the answer should be obvious, “They might fall into the water.”

He wanted to kiss her so badly. Just a chance to touch his lips to hers and remind himself of what she tasted like. She was fucking gorgeous, and sometimes her honest innocence pulled him in and made his heart ache. “I guess that makes sense… Are you ready to go back?” he asked her.

She didn’t move. Instead she whispered, “Real or not real? Did you tell me, my first night home… that you were happy I was home?”

John tipped her chin up, watching the soft strands of honey colored hair brush across her skin with the breeze. “Real. No matter how confusing things were… there has never been a moment that wasn’t happy to have you home.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Stepping out, everyone can see my face

All the things I can’t erase from my life

Everybody knows

Standing out so you won’t forget my name

That’s the way we play this game of life

Everybody knows

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG” Everybody Knows – The Chicks

Chapter 16 – Labyrinth

Marlena’s Lakeside Cottage

September 26, 1992

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It only hurts this much right now

Was what I was thinking the whole time

Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out

I’ll be getting over you my whole life

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena stood in the center of her kitchen and laughed loudly, her head thrown back in a halo of honey colored hair, her hazel eyes sparkling with humor. She was amazing. Absolutely, and utterly amazing. She was wearing a soft t-shirt of varying pink stripes, and a pair of denim overalls. He didn’t even know she owned denim overalls. John’s hands froze where he stood unwrapping the newspaper from a large vase, as if caught in time. He could watch her for hours. He could imagine wrapping her in his arms and sliding his palm inside over her hip.

Abe saw John stop moving out of the corner of his eye, and then turned to see what he was staring at. Marlena was laughing in the kitchen as Sami screamed, “You can’t catch me Eric! I’m Supergirl!”

“I’m Superman!” Eric cried out, chasing his twin sister at the top speed of a seven year old. “Superman can catch anyone!”

Abe glanced again at John, and then saw Lexie watching with a deep sadness in her eyes. The whole situation was so emotionally complicated. If Isabella saw him doing this she would be so hurt. Walking towards John, Abe leaned close to him, and said softly, “You’re staring at her.”

John startled, jumping slightly as he was pulled from his musings. He shook his head slightly. He’d been so lost in his fantasies that he’d forgotten where he was, and that wasn’t good for any of them. He glanced around the room quickly, trying to see where Isabella was or if she’d noticed his daydreaming.

Abe sighed, knowing that John was worried that Isabella might have seen him. “She’s upstairs with Bo and Carly. I think they are unpacking the twins’ room.”

John felt almost buried in guilt. He looked at Marlena again, and he whispered, “Why is this so difficult? It was so much easier when we were… just friends.”

“Just friends?” Abe asked him. “I’m not sure you and Marlena will ever be just friends. You’ll always hover somewhere in between. More than friends.”

“That’s a dangerous place for me to be Abraham,” John replied, tossing the crumpled newspaper into a large garbage bag sitting near the end of the couch. 

Abe watched John for a moment, realizing that he didn’t plan to say anything else on the matter. Marlena laughed again, and Abe watched John stiffen in response. He asked his friend, “You still love her then?”

John gave Abe a long look, “Can you hand me that other box behind you?” He didn’t answer the question. He wasn’t ready to unpack that emotional box yet. 

Marlena stared at Kim, laughing loudly, “Oh! I do remember that!” She looked around the room searching for John, and she called to him, “John! Do you remember that night when I tried to make dinner for all of us at the house… what a mess that was!”

John smiled to himself remembering the chaotic destruction that had followed her wake in the kitchen. It had taken hours to clean up, and they had spent most of the time laughing. “Wasn’t that when you tried to make tacos?”

John was drawn to Marlena like a moth to a flame. Abe watched as John placed the item he’d pulled from the box back down, and made his way over to lean against the kitchen island. 

“I can make tacos, John!” Marlena laughed in mock outrage. “I simply forgot to turn off the burner–”

“–and nearly set the house in flames with an inferno of flour tortillas! It took nearly a week to get that smell out of the house,” his eyes sparkled as he teased her.

“I just remember Kayla running outside to throw up in the front hedge,” Kim told them with a huge grin. “I was never sure if that was because of the burnt tacos or the half bottle of wine she’d already consumed on an empty stomach.”

John rounded the island wrapping his arm around Kim’s waist in that easy way he had with her, “Oh, c’mon Kimmy, we both know it was probably both. The burning stench was horrible.”

“It wasn’t that bad!” Marlena exclaimed with wide eyes. But she knew it was. John cocked an eyebrow at her, but said nothing. “It wasn’t!” she laughed. “Besides, we had taco salads… they were good.”

She was so adorable, he couldn’t help reaching for her. With a huge smile, he pulled Marlena into his hug with Kim, kissing her forehead as he said, “The best taco salad of my life, Doc. I’ve never had one better.”

Marlena still seemed doubtful, “Really?”

Squeezing them both, John kissed them both on the forehead, one after the other, and said, “That’s a fact!”

“Are we group huggin’?” Sami asked loudly running down the stairs with Eric and Shawn-D behind her.

“Group hug!” Shawn-D screamed as he raced forward.

“C’mon Unca Abe!” Eric pulled at his hand. Abe stumbled after Eric laughing as the little boy yelled to anyone in hearing range, “We’re group huggin’!”

Marlena suddenly found herself surrounded by all of the people she loved most. A squished mass of Kim, Shawn-D, Lexie, Abe, Sami, and Eric, but right next to her, so close she could feel his breath on the column of her neck was John. She smiled up at him, breathing in the spicy musk of his cologne. 

He stared down at her with a wide smile wishing with everything in him that he could show her how he really felt.

“What did we miss?” Bo asked loudly from the staircase. He had a wide grin on his face, staring at the chaos in the center of the kitchen.

Shawn-D’s voice came from somewhere in the middle of the mass, “We’re group huggin’!”

The group of people surrounding Marlena all looked towards the stairs to find Bo and Carly laughing while Isabella seemed irritated. Carly glanced over at her, saying softly, “It’s nothing you know. They are friends. That’s all.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Oh, no, I’m falling in love again

Oh, I’m falling in love

I thought the plane was going down

How’d you turn it right around?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“I got the twinners watching a movie on the couch,” John said softly, coming out onto the back porch with two glasses of wine, and a soft blanket tossed over his shoulder. He smiled sheepishly, “I figured after a day like today you might appreciate a glass of wine.”

Marlena stared up at him with a smile. He’d stayed as their family and friends had left one after the other. Isabella had been the first to go, claiming that Brady was due for a nap, and didn’t sleep well in unfamiliar places. She was followed by Bo and Carly who seemed to be arguing, but Marlena wasn’t sure. She knew that with her limited memory there could be gaps she was missing, and she still had no memories of Carly. Abe and Lexie had gone, followed by Kim. Once her room was set up, Carrie had decided to meet some friends for dinner. That Left Marlena and John with two tired seven year olds. 

“Which move are they watching?” she asked him softly, reaching for the wine he offered her. 

“I’d tell you to guess, Doc, but you already know the answer,” he said sitting down next to her. A shiver raced up his spine as the heat from her body reached him.

She smiled, “The Neverending Story?”

“Of course,” he said, placing his wine on the small table in front of them. He took the small blanket from his shoulder, and laid it carefully over Marlena murmuring, “I thought you might need this. You know it’s getting much cooler in the evenings now.”

She couldn’t look at him. Her chest was tight. She loved him so much, and when he did things like this, she didn’t think she would ever get over it. Move on? Was that even possible? She’d watched him while they were unpacking that afternoon, and it had nearly broken her heart seeing him with Isabella. She wanted to be able to touch him the way Isabella did. Soft caresses against his jaw, or a kiss to his shoulder as she walked by. Taking a deep breath, she said, “You know you’re going to have to fast forward through the part where Artax dies.”

“Ah, yes, the Swamp of Sadness,” John said softly. “I know, Doc… Sami has a sensitive soul. I know to fast forward through E.T.’s death, also when Littlefoot’s mother dies, and the hell scene in All Dogs Go to Heaven… but tonight I think that they will be asleep before they get to that part of the film. Those kids are exhausted.”

She took a long draw of her wine, and then allowed her head to rest on John’s shoulder, “I think I’m exhausted… thank you, for today. I never would have thought to organize everyone the way you did. I would have tried to unpack it all myself, and lived out of boxes for months.”

“No!” John replied with mock outrage. “Not you! The esteemed Dr. Evans.”

“I think you’re my best friend,” she said softly. She was very slowly starting to remember that they were best friends, and with those feelings, came bits and pieces of memories that were sometimes painful. They came layered in between her love for John. “I had a dream about something last night, and I was wanting to ask you about it… real or not real, did you – did you make love to Danielle Tremain in Stockholm?”

He knew the difficult questions would come as she sorted out her mind, especially with her therapy with Kim being as intensive as it was. He’d told her the story of Danielle once, he owed her the respect to tell her again. “Yes,” he said softly, looking down at her.

Marlena couldn’t look at him. She was trying to look at the situation from the perspective of a friend, and not a lover, because John wasn’t her husband. “You cheated on Isabella…”

“I did.” There was nothing else he could say.

“Do you love Danielle?”

“I think I did at one time. I feel something for her,” he replied. “I have no conscious memory of our time together, but my body remembers the way her touch felt… my mind remembered her voice, and her scent. I had a plan… it was all a plan, to find out who Romulus was, and to make sure that it wasn’t me. She wouldn’t tell me what I needed to know, but she kept trying to remind me of my love for her. I decided to seduce her to get information. The seduction was supposed to be interrupted, but my contact was late… very late. I got caught up in Danielle… I don’t know what to say. I know this hurts you, but I feel like – I told you before, because I knew, innately, that you would understand. I was caught up in the memories of her, what little I had, the further I got into the seduction the more I remembered… and then it was almost as if we’d never been apart, and I – I made love to her.”

Marlena finally shifted her body, and looked at him, “Have you told Isabella?”

“Only you, Doc.” He sighed, reaching for her hand, staring at the way her small fingers rested in between his. “I have only told you.”

“Why do you think that is?” she asked him. He’d married Isabella without telling her the truth.  She had her own ideas for why he would withhold that information, but she wanted to know what he thought about it.

“I think,” he said slowly, “that I didn’t tell her initially because I worried about her, and the pregnancy. She’d had some blood pressure problems, and I didn’t want to jeopardize her health.”

She pressed, “And then, after Brady was born?”

John wasn’t entirely sure, “Once Brady was born… it seemed like it should be in the past. I closed that part of my life, and–and–”

“–but you told me about it. Why?” She wanted to know. Why would John come to her as a therapist, or as a friend, and share that part of himself while keeping it from his fiance? Isabella should be the one he told everything. He should have told her before he married her.

He was silent for a long time. The only sound they heard were the soft voices of the television in the living room, and the soft swish of the lake as it lapped against the shore. His fingers gently brushed at the soft curve of her cheek, and he said, “I trusted you. I trusted that you would keep it between us. I trusted that you would understand what had happened, and I trusted that you wouldn’t judge me.”

His fingers against her skin were a distraction as she asked him, “Did you think Isabella would leave you?”

“Isabella would be hurt, and she would have lashed out. And as much as she tries to understand what Stefano did to me, she will never really accept it. She prefers to live in a world where we put the past behind us. The situation with Danielle was… that was a difficult time for Isabella and myself.” John sighed, “Danielle did not hide the fact that she wanted me, and she is a beautiful woman. Isabella was pregnant, and her self esteem was wavering… what I did with Danielle… that was a mistake, and I knew it immediately.”

Marlena contemplated what he wasn’t saying, what he was trying to say. He couldn’t really get his words together, so she said, “But at some point in your life, you must have loved Danielle. Otherwise, the pull to be with her wouldn’t have been that strong. It’s possible, John, that there is so much buried in your mind that we will never know.” She hesitated to say her next words, but she wanted to be honest, “ If I had been in Isabella’s place… I don’t think I could have been able to –”

“–I think… the difference for me is, while it would have hurt you, hurt you very badly… you would have empathized more. You see me in a way my wife doesn’t.” He sat in silence, and stared at Marlena, waiting for her to say something. What he couldn’t bring himself to say was that if he was married to Marlena, it never would have gone that far with Danielle. “I shouldn’t even tell you that, and yet, I find that I want to tell you everything. I can’t lie to you.”

“You’re right. If I were in Isabella’s place, it  would have nearly destroyed me… but Stefano stole your life, John. We don’t even know how old you are, but your life, up to the time you came to Salem, is gone. That’s so unfair. It’s so damned unfair!” Her hands cupped his face, and she leaned forward kissing his cheek softly. All she could think about was what John had lost. He’d lost memories, family, possibly children, and he would never know. She wasn’t going to psychoanalyze why he felt he could confide in her, and not the woman he’d married. They both knew why. John had said as much. Marlena was safe, Isabella was not.

John making love to Danielle was wrong, but in Marlena’s mind he never would have crossed that line if he truly loved Isabella, and that little bit of knowledge gave her hope.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It only feels this raw right now

Lost in the labyrinth of my mind

Break up, break free, break through, break down

You would break your back to make me break a smile

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena made a face as she stared at the book Eric had placed in her hand. “This is what you want to read?” she asked with a grimace.

John laughed from the doorway, “What’s wrong with the book, Doc?”

“Yeah, Mama… Daddy John got us those books, cause Eric like’s science,” Sami replied trying to look innocent when she was anything but.

“I do like science,” Eric said softly to his mother, “but also Sami thinks these are funny books.”

“Where did you even get these?” she asked in hilarious frustration.

John leaned against the door frame watching her. She really was beautiful, comical, exasperating, and adorable. He stood up straighter, walking towards where she sat on Eric’s bed, sandwiched in between the twins. John leaned over glancing at the book in her hand and the one lying on her lap, and he said with a chuckle, “That would be me, Doc. I bought those for the twins when they were four. Eric loves science and Sami loves–”

“–farts!” Sami giggled.

John reached out, tickling Sami until she squirmed, “You just wanted to yell farts.”

“Of course you did,” Marlena sighed. Staring at the title again, she couldn’t help but smile. “Okay, let’s get on with this.”

“Yay!” Sami cuddled into her mothers side, and giggled almost as soon as Marlena started reading.

“The Gas We Pass, The Story of Farts by Shinta Chō,” Marlena read with a glaring look at John. “When you eat or drink you swallow air. And if you eat or drink in a big hurry, you swallow a whole lot of air.” Pausing, she stared down at John where he had sat himself on the floor, giving her his undivided attention, “Really, John… this whole book is about passing gas?”

He winked at her, “Yes, Doc, and don’t worry it gets a lot better. Keep reading, you haven’t even gotten to the part about lion farts.” 

Eric looked up at Marlena feeling very smart when he said, “Did you know that meat makes gas more stinky than vegetables? That’s why lion farts smell worse than elephant farts.”

Because Eric seemed so proud of himself, and because Sami was entertained, Marlena finished the book. She also, with a huge sigh, read the second book, much to Sami’s delight. John had to look away, as Marlena read, “Everyone Poops, by Tarō Gomi.” Her look of mortification had him excusing himself from the room to go check the locks.

Just as John was returning from downstairs he saw Marlena walking Sami across the hall to her room. Marlena told him, “You can say goodnight to Eric. I’ve tucked him in already.”

He wanted that so much his heart ached. He missed the bedtime routine with the kids so much. Being part of it, even for one night, was something he was going to cherish. He would rock with Brady before his bedtime, reading him books that he couldn’t possibly understand, just to have that additional time with him. John went to stand in Eric’s doorway, and he almost fled the house when he heard the child’s small voice whisper into the darkness, “…and I liked having my daddy here today, so maybe, G-d, I can ask you to let him come here more often, and maybe he could be my dad again, like we used to be?”

John stepped back quickly, feeling an overwhelming tightening in his chest. He felt her heat, and smelled her perfume before he turned around. But when he faced her, he knew that she’d overheard Eric as well. Her eyes were filled with tears, and she seemed so saddened. He shook his head, and turned quickly heading for the stairs. He needed fresh air. He needed to get away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You know how much I hate

That everybody just expects me to bounce back

Just like that

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena stood near the front door, watching helplessly as John shrugged his jacket on to leave. His sudden departure down the stairs had worried her. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I just didn’t expect to hear Eric say that. It reminds me of how much we’re all hurting,” he said gently. “That’s all.”

“Are we?” she asked him, stepping closer. Was he hurting? Or was she feeling so much pain, she hoped he was too? “Are we all hurting?”

“Yeah, Doc. We’re all hurting.” He held his arms open, and she stepped into them with a heavy sigh. She laid her cheek against his jacket, and she closed her eyes. There was a wish deep within her that this was all a dream. That she would wake up from her attack after a long coma, and all of this would be a bad dream. 

“Today was so wonderful,” she whispered. “And it was so hard on me emotionally. I know it upsets you when I tell you I love you. It’s so difficult to spend all of this time with you. I still feel so connected to you, and then I remember so suddenly that you aren’t mine when I see Isabella kiss you or stroke you. I keep praying that this gets easier, but it hasn’t. Keeping my distance from you feels so unnatural.”

John pulled back slightly, staring down at her. “It just takes time.”

Marlena’s whisper came out like a soft breath on a silent breeze, “Time…” She wiped at her eyes quickly, and tried to step away from him. Needing space, she said roughly, “I’m really tired, and I should get to bed–”

“–don’t do this, Doc.” He reached for her arm, gripping her wrist, and pulling her back, but she refused to look at him. John reached for her face, “Look at me… please.” Her tear filled eyes took whatever he was going to say, and destroyed it. One moment he had meant to reaffirm that their feelings would fade with time, but his fingers on her jaw had tightened and he’d taken in a deep breath of her…and the next they fell into the mudroom by the front door with a soft thud as his lips gently brushed across hers with the softest groan. The taste of her washed over his tongue like ambrosia and John was lost in her for several moments, before he pulled back abruptly. He stared down at her with gasping breaths, refusing to allow himself to kiss her again.

Marlena stared up at him, her mouth swollen from his unexpected assault, and she smiled. She gasped out her next words, “You want me. You love me. You just have to face it, and… John, I want you to know… I’ll wait for you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Uh-oh, I’m falling in love

Oh no, I’m falling in love again

Oh, I’m falling in love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John drove towards home in a state of shock. His fingers touched his swollen lips. He shouldn’t have done that. He couldn’t even remember making a conscious decision to kiss Marlena. One moment he had been wanting to reassure her that her feelings for him would diminish over time, and the next moment he’d pushed her into the wall of the mudroom and practically devoured her. He licked over his bottom lip, feeling the heat that was still there. Running his fingers through his hair, he mumbled to himself, “What the fuck are doing, John?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I thought the plane was going down

How’d you turn it right around?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

SONG: Labyrinth – Taylor Swift

Chapter 17 – Earth Angel

October 1, 1992

Marlena’s Lakeside Cottage

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Earth angel, earth angel

Will you be mine

My darling dear… love you all the time

I’m just a fool, a fool in love, with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The motor was running in the Jeep as John sat in Marlena’s driveway staring at her house with mixed emotions. It was nearing dinner time, and he hoped to be in and out quickly. He’d intentionally come when he had a time constriction. He was supposed to meet Isabella and Brady for dinner at Victor’s in less than an hour. He’d been avoiding Marlena for the last five days because of their kiss on moving day. His fingers squeezed the steering wheel, and he took a deep breath. He could do this. Don’t kiss her again. Another deep breath, and he turned off the car, tossing the door open. Just as he started walking up the driveway, Sami jumped out of the nearby azalea bush with a scream of surprise.

John stood staring down at her with a look of humor, feeling his heart race. Her face was pink with exertion, a wild halo of tangled blonde hair around her face. John laughed, “Well, you got me, Peanut. That was unexpected.”

“Eric!” she called. “Daddy’s here!” 

John lifted her in his arms, kissing her sweaty cheek while walking towards the house, “Where’s your mother right now?”

“She’s in the house making dinner.” Sami whispered conspiratorially, “She made lunch too, and guess what? It wasn’t even bad. She’s got some cookbook that Mrs. Horton gave her, and its teachin’ her how to cook.”

“And where is Randy?” John asked, looking around for the security guard who was supposed to be watching the house.

Sami got a quizzical look on her face, as she told him, “Him and Eric are being military men, and checkin’ the pere-peri-meter?”

John laughed as he said, “Perimeter. Do you know what that means?”

Sami shrugged like she didn’t care, “Walk in circles around the house, and be boring?”

“Kind of.” John laughed again, “Kind of. Go find your brother and Randy. I need to speak with your mother.”

He could hear the music playing in the kitchen before he even opened the front door. Earth Angel. It was an old one. John kicked his shoes off by the mudroom, and rounded the corner to find Marlena stirring a pot. Her hips swayed, and she was an absolute vision. She’d tied her hair up in a messy bun on top of her head, and she wore a loose dress with flowers. He walked closer, and leaned against the wall watching her sway on bare feet. His eyes scanned over her rounded hips, and the way the fabric laid over the swell of her ass. Fucking beautiful.

On impulse he walked up behind her, singing, “The vision of your loveliness.” His arm slipped around her waist as if it was second nature, and she turned in his arms with a smile. One hand landed on his chest while her other looped around his neck holding a wooden spoon aloft.

“John, what are you doing?” she asked him barely above a whisper.

“You looked like you needed a dance partner,” he told her. His arm around her waist tightened, “Now let me lead.” He took the spoon from her hand, and laid it near the pot on the stovetop. 

His snug arm around her body, her belly against his…and then he lifted her hand to his chest, and she nearly melted. Marlena smiled softly. He was such a good dancer. A gentle spin, and she was lost in the past remembering Carrie’s birthday party when John first came to Salem.

John stared down at her, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly, staring up at him. She was still trying to figure out the mysterious John Black. She was intrigued to be sure. She would lie in bed at night trying to figure him out.

John replied, “Oh, no. Don’t do that.”

“Well… I can’t quite figure you out… and that’s… what I do for a living,” she said carefully. He was devastatingly handsome, but so soft, and reserved. And then there were times when he was direct, and infuriating. “I know you’ve only been in Salem a few weeks, and the first time that I saw you… you saved me from that robber at Shenanigans, and then you saved Shawn Brady from those men at the fish market, and then you saved my life in the parking lot at the hospital that day. And now… everytime I turn around you’re there, and I don’t know a thing about you, except that you’re reserved.” She saw that he was uncomfortable, and she rushed on with her words, “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that, I mean, it isn’t bad, it just means that I don’t know who you are… or what you like… or what you don’t like. It makes me real curious about who you are, deep down inside. It makes me real curious about what you want from me… from my family.”

“I’m sorry that I’m such an enigma to you. But I can assure you, I am who I say I am,” he told her softly. “I’m John Black, and I certainly don’t want anything from you or your family.”

She smiled, “Then maybe you’re trying to figure me out?”

“Maybe,” he said with a slight smirk

“Hmph, evasive as always,” she told him, still following his lead on the dance floor. 

John pulled her closer, “You know you’re making me sound like a pretty dull guy.”

“No. Not dull, just guarded. It makes me very curious about you.” She took a deep breath. He smelled like a mixture of cedar and Irish Spring soap, and she didn’t want to dwell too much on how much she enjoyed it. “You know, you remind me of someone, and I can’t think of who it is, but sometimes it’s so strong it’s painful.”

“What are you thinking about, Doc?” John asked softly. They’d stopped moving. The song had ended, and somewhere in their dance, Marlena had gotten lost. He still held her in his arms, as if he couldn’t release her just yet. She was warm, and soft, and her body curved to meet his in such a way that it felt as if they were made for each other.

She sighed, “Do you remember when we danced at Carrie’s birthday party all those years ago?”

“When you questioned me like a seasoned ISA agent? Yeah, I remember,” he chuckled. 

She wanted to kiss him again. She wanted to run her nose along the warm column of his neck, and breathe him in. “I was thinking about how you smelled that day… like a mixture of cedar wood, and Irish Spring. You smelled so good… you still smell like that.”

John cleared his throat roughly, releasing her as if she were suddenly an ember that would burn his flesh. Laughing awkwardly, he said, “Yeah, well you know me. I’m a creature of habit. Same cologne. Same soap.”

He was brushing her off. Marlena turned quickly, grabbing up her wooden spoon, and stirred the pasta once more. John watched her with sadness, as she tried to look busy, and leaned over the cookbook in front of her. These awkward moments between them didn’t seem to be getting any easier. “Was there a reason you came by, John?”

“I came by because I wanted you to know that Torres was shot, and killed last night in Chicago.” John saw her back stiffen. “Shane seems to think that it might have been Roman who finally caught up with him.”

Without turning around, she said, “So we can dispense with the security detail that follows me everywhere?”

“Well… not quite yet. Torress had a hit out on you and Roman. We want to make sure that you’re not still in danger.” He was quiet for a moment watching her. The song Chantilly Lace had come on the radio, and he wanted nothing more than to snatch her up, and dance with her again. “I’m here, because if Roman killed Torres… then he will be coming home.”

Marlena spun on her heel, staring up at John, “He won’t be coming home to me.”

“He’ll want to see you, Doc,” John sighed. He was worried. Marlena didn’t know how much Roman had changed in his years with Stefano. “As a matter of fact, he’ll insist on it.”

Marlena turned off the burner, and reached for the colander, almost slamming it into the sink. “It’s not fair! The last thing I remember was asking him not to leave me and the twins nearly eight years ago! They were nineteen days old, John! Not even a month, and he left us! Someone else could have done that job. I begged him to let someone else do it!” She started crying. “I’ve already mourned him, and this man you’re saying came back… I don’t want him, because he left us again! He left us again, and then… Caleb died. I want you! And I can’t even have that!”

“Caleb was his son too,” John said softly.

Marlena slammed the pot back on the stove, “I don’t care. If he’d cared, he wouldn’t have left, would he?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Earth angel, earth angel

The one I adore

Love you forever… and ever more

I’m just a fool, a fool in love with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena could barely see because of the tears in her eyes, “Roman, don’t go. Come on, you promised you wouldn’t get involved in this.”

Roman brushed the hair from her face, “I have to go… for Bo. It’s my fault that he was on that plane–”

“–then you can send Abe, and–”

“–no, I can’t send Abe. Now I have a feeling that that plane is not sitting on the bottom of the Atlantic, and I have to find Bo,” he told her as gently as he could.

The tears fell freely down her cheeks as she reached for him, “I don’t want you to go. I’m afraid something will happen to you.”

“It’ll be alright. Don’t you worry,” he said into her hair. “I’m only going to be gone for a day or two.”

“You promise you’ll come back?” she asked him through her sobs.

She poured the pasta into a large bowl tossing the noodles in a small splash of olive oil. John had never seen her move so efficiently in the kitchen. He stepped closer, “Doc. Stop.” Placing his hand on her arm gently, he whispered, “Stop. Please.”

“I can’t!” she cried, staring through teary eyes into a bowl of spaghetti. “I–I have to get dinner ready, and I–I can’t think about any of this right now!”

“I’m not trying to hurt you, or upset you. I only want you to be aware that the Roman who came back to Salem… he’s–he’s different. I have his memories. I know what he was like, and this version…” his words trailed off, and Marlena stopped her frenetic movement to stare at him.

She waited, and when John said nothing more, she asked, “He’s what, John?”

“He’s angry,” John told her softly. “Seven years of his life were stolen, and when he came home… he realized that his family–”

“–had replaced him with you?” she asked. The oven beeped, and she silently turned. She opened the oven, and using the kitchen towel pulled out a crusty loaf of garlic bread, saying softly, “I understand why that would be upsetting to him.”

John didn’t want to force Marlena to have these conversations, but he didn’t want her to be blindsided either. “He’s Roman, but there is this… edge to him now. If he returns to Salem, I don’t want  you to be surprised if he shows up here at the house.”

“Okay,” she whispered. She hadn’t looked at him for several moments, and when she finally did, she said, “I understand that he will probably come by. I should expect it. I shouldn’t be surprised… but, John… I don’t want to see him, and it will change nothing.”

“So, you’re going ahead with the divorce?” he asked her. Part of him wanted her to push through with the divorce, but part of him feared it. 

Marlena stepped close to him, much closer than was proper, and she touched his face gently, “I have to. I’m in love with you.”

“Doc,” he said gently. Still she stared up at him. Her face was so open, expressive and inviting, and he ached to taste her mouth. Slowly, even as he told himself to stop, he reached out tracing the swell of her bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. He would kiss her. He felt himself leaning towards her, and then–

“Superman is hungry!” Eric screamed crashing into the kitchen like a whirlwind.

John stepped back so quickly he almost tripped on his own feet. With an awkward cough, he said, “I’ve got to get going. Uh, Isabella and I are supposed to go to Victor’s for dinner.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I fell for you… and I knew

The vision of your loveliness

I hope and I pray

That someday, I’ll be the vision of your happiness

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena was plating up the twins dinner, and preparing to call them in for the evening, when the telephone rang. After answering it, she was met with a brief period of silence, and then she heard Isabella’s strained voice, “Is John there?”

“He is. He went out to speak with Randy, and somehow ended up playing tag with Sami and Eric… and Randy,” she said. She wanted to laugh. Randy was a huge man, nearly seven feet tall, and all muscle. Watching him and John run around the backyard while Superman and Supergirl tried to catch them was quite humorous.

Isabella wanted to scream. John was her husband, and he should be with his family. Instead he was on the other side of the lake with his old family. None of it was making any sense to her. She said with ire, “He’s late. Victor and I are holding dinner for him. Could I speak with him, please?”

“Hold on,” Marlena said softly. “I’ll get him.” She walked out onto the back porch, calling, “Sami! Eric! Dinner is ready!” All four of them stopped, and stared at her for a moment, and then she added, “John, Isabella is on the telephone. You’re late for dinner.”

“Shit!” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

“Daddy cussed!” Sami cried, laughing hysterically.

John glanced at Marlena, and they shared a knowing look. Sami and Eric had reverted to calling him Daddy, when previously they had called him Daddy John. John ruffled Sami’s hair, “What did I tell you, Peanut?”

Sami and Eric chased after John as he jogged up the steps, and into the house. Sami said, “Grownups can curse sometimes, but kids can’t.”

“That’s right,” John said, lifting the receiver to his ear. He was slightly out of breath as he said, “Hey, Izzy-B… I’m so sorry. Time got away from me. I’m heading out right now.”

He heard Isabella’s deep sigh, before she said, “Please hurry. Dinner is getting cold… and I think we need to talk about where your priorities are right now, John, because they are obviously not with this family.”

He glanced over to make sure that Marlena was distracted, and he said quietly, “Isabella, Roman will be coming back to Salem. I couldn’t let him show up on her doorstep with no warning. She doesn’t remember him at all since he came home.”

“Bo could have told her, or Abe…” Isabella said in growing frustration. She was getting more and more angry with her husband, because he was so preoccupied with Marlena and her children. John waited for her to continue. Isabella said with barely veiled hostility, “Even Shane could have gone out to her house, and told her. It didn’t have to be you, and it didn’t have to be tonight.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Earth angel, earth angel

Please you be mine

My darling dear… love you all the time

I’m just a fool

A fool in love, with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena settled the twins at the kitchen island with plates of pasta and garlic bread. Sami stared at her mother in awe, while chewing her food, and said, “This is so good!”

“Well, I am a doctor. I should be able to follow basic instructions,” she replied. “I guess… I never slowed down long enough to try.”

“But now, because you got hurt on your head, you gotta slow down?” Eric asked her around a mouthful of spaghetti noodles.

“Yeah,” she laughed. “Something like that.”

“I’m glad,” Sami said, wiping her mouth with a paper towel. “Not that you got hit on the head… or that the baby died, ‘cause that sad, but I’m glad you gotta slow down, because now you’re home all the time, and you drop us off at school and you pick us up, and you watch movies with us, and–”

“–I think she gets the point, Peanut,” John cut in as he walked over to where they sat. He leaned forward, kissing Sami on her forehead, and doing the same to Eric. He took a deep breath. Reaching for Eric’s fork, he said, “Let me taste this amazing spaghetti Sami is raving about.”

Marlena watched as John twirled the fork in the pasta, and lifted it to his mouth. Just before he shoved it in, he winked at her, and as much as she wished it hadn’t happened, her abdomen clenched. He was so fucking sexy, even when he shouldn’t be. She turned around quickly, knocking the colander to the floor with a clatter, and when she looked up John was staring at her with a look that said he knew why she was suddenly so clumsy.

Swallowing thickly, he stared at her for a few seconds longer, and then said, “I gotta go.”

Marlena watched him turn on his heel, and standing up quickly, she placed the colander in the sink, and ran after him. “John! Wait! Before you go, I wanted to ask you something…”

They were right next to the mudroom, and John’s gut clenched. He had to get away from her. It was unnerving. Every single thing she did, every move she made, was sexy as hell. Her bare feet, and the way she seemed so free lately, as if her amnesia had changed her slightly… just enough to allow her to let go of some of that control she used to hold onto so tightly. And this new, freer, uninhibited Marlena was drawing him in like a bee to honey. This version openly expressed her love without guilt. This Marlena was a dangerous version to love, which meant this was a dangerous place to find himself in, and yet, he slowed, and he stared down at her, clenching his fists at his side, as he asked her, “Yeah, Doc?”

Marlena felt almost breathless as she stared up at him. He was running because he was attracted to her, and it scared the hell out of him. They weren’t going to be able to carry on like this forever. She wasn’t even sure how they had before her accident. Was their attraction this strong even then, or was it hidden under layers of societal expectations? “On October 10th, the family is having a joint birthday party for the twins and I… and I was wondering if you might like to come? With Isabella and Brady of course. Sami and Eric are turning–”

“–eight,” he said. “I remember, and you’re turning–”

“–John! We never mention a ladies’ age after the thirty year mark,” Marlena said teasingly. “So you’ll come?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said softly. He stroked her cheek lightly, and pinched her chin. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah,” she whispered. She stood rooted in the doorway watching John stride down the driveway. She stood there as he started the Jeep and pulled away, finally going back inside when his tail lights faded into the distance.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I fell for you and I knew

The vision of your loveliness

I hope and pray, that someday

That I’ll be the vision of your happiness

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Earth Angel – Johnny Maestro & The Crests

Chapter 18 – Knowing Me, Knowing You

October 4, 1992

Marlena’s Lakehouse

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No more carefree laughter

Silence ever after

Walking through an empty house, tears in my eyes

Here is where the story ends, this is goodbye

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John heard the shouting before he’d even reached the front door. After jogging up the driveway, he tried the door, realizing that the security lock had engaged. He could tell by Marlena’s tone that she was distressed, and he knew why, because he could hear Roman shouting. His heart was racing. Images of Marlena in a coma after Isabella’s confrontation flashed in his mind. Would Roman’s verbal barrage be too much for her? Typing in the passcode as fast as he could, he threw the door open, yelling, “Doc?”

“John!” Marlena cried from the kitchen overcome with relief. John was there. It was as if she could suddenly breathe. She stared at Roman with a mixture of loathing and fear. She’d forgotten what he looked like. Not forgotten, exactly, but the details had become blurry. Staring at him then, she wasn’t sure she remembered his eyes being quite so harsh. She’d remembered them being kinder. A soft sort of brown. Taking a deep breath, she kept her eyes on Roman as she called out, “John, I’m in here!”

He found her in the kitchen, backed into a corner with tears streaking her face. Her hair was in a tangle, her ponytail hanging half loose, and she was wearing those denim overalls again, this time with a long sleeved sage green shirt underneath. The kitchen was scattered with flour, and it was obvious that Marlena was attempting to make a cake or some sort of bread. John wasn’t sure, but as she stared at him with wide eyes, with flour smeared across her cheek, he thought she’d never been more beautiful. 

Roman stared at John with eyes that were murderous. He shouldn’t be involved. “John, this isn’t your business, and we don’t need you here. I’m going to work this out with my wife.”

Marlena scrambled from the corner trying to make her way toward John, telling Roman, “Yes! Yes, I do need him here!” Roman stood in her way making her feel caged. 

“Doc,” Roman pleaded, reaching for her. He knew he had a lot to make up for, if Marlena would only allow him to speak. She kept interrupting him, and now John had shown up. Marlena shrank back from his hand. Roman said more softly,  “If you’d just let me explain–”

Marlena’s eyes were wide as they darted between John and Roman, and John could tell she was feeling confused, and overwhelmed. Her chest rose and fell with short, choppy breaths. “I don’t want your explanations! I don’t want them, and I don’t need them! You left us, and you never came back!”

Roman sighed loudly, “I came back! I know you’re having problems with your memory, Doc. Kim told me, but you gotta try, and remember that! If you try really hard, I bet you could remember. You were pregnant with my baby–”

She felt herself getting more confused as she cried, “–No! No! Caleb wasn’t your baby! He wasn’t! It was– it was your fault he died. Your fault that he isn’t here with me.” 

Marlena stared at John, and then ducked around Roman’s outstretched arms, throwing herself against John’s body with force. Her memories were wavy. They had blurry edges, and they weren’t clear. She knew the baby was Roman’s but the more upset she became the more it didn’t make sense. It didn’t seem real.

John ran his palm over her back, trying to calm her down. “Roman, look… Marlena’s upset, and this probably isn’t the best time to do this.” She continued to shake, and make small sounds of distress, whispering under her breath. John was worried. To Roman, he said, “Her memories are confused, and–”

“–and you’re just the guy to help her process that, huh, John? You’re the hero that’s going to help her remember?” Roman watched his wife huddle against John as she buried her face in his shoulder. John’s arm around her was too familiar, as if he had the right to hold her like that. It only served to enrage him even further. “I’m sure this happened, and you just swooped in like a real fucking cowboy didn’t you?”

Marlena’s whispered words reached John’s ears, and he only felt more urgent about getting Roman out of the house. Barely audible, he heard her say, “It’s 1992. I’m at the lakehouse. Caleb was Roman’s baby. He was Roman’s baby… Caleb is dead..” She was using the techniques Kim had taught her in therapy. She was trying to ground herself in reality, and that moment.

“Roman, you need to go,” John said firmly. “You can’t do this right now.”

“I’m not leaving until my wife talks to me!” he yelled furiously, completely unaware of her emotional struggle.

Marlena heard Roman say my wife, and something inside her snapped. One moment she felt like she was losing her hold on reality, and the next she felt this fierce need to let Roman know that he had no hold on her anymore. She pulled away from John just enough to stare at Roman, “I’m not your wife! I’m not.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Of course, you’re my wife!” Roman stared at her in confusion. He knew Marlena was attacked, and that she’d lost the baby. He knew about her memory problems, and the bullshit about her thinking she was married to John. Hadn’t they explained to her that she was married to him? “Just because you don’t remember it, doesn’t mean you’re not my wife. We’re married, Doc.”

“I divorced you,” she said with slightly more confidence in her voice, even though she still held onto John’s arm. Her fingers dug into the flesh of his bicep belying her anxiety, but the warmth of his skin seemed to ground her as she said,  “I don’t remember you, and because of you… Caleb is gone. I know it wasn’t your fault exactly… but you left us, and Torres sent someone to hurt me. My son is gone.”

Roman was desperate, imploringly he said, “Doc! No, Doc! You’ve got to understand. We can work through this. We can! You’ve just got to give me time to explain it. That’s all.” Roman glanced between her and John, staring at where she had her fingers tucked up under the sleeve of his t-shirt, wrapped around his bicep. It was intimate. Roman practically spit his next words at John, “And I suppose you had nothing to do with this did you? You fucking named my son, and buried him without my permission, and now she wants a divorce? I’m back now. We don’t need you involved in this family. You need to know when to back off.”

“The divorce is already done,” Marlena told Roman, wiping her eyes fiercely. She was frustrated that even though she was trying to be strong, she was still crying. “Mickey filed the paperwork already… and Caleb… John gave him a beautiful name, and he had him buried with D.J. –”

“–with D.J.? Doc, our son deserved his own–”

“– he’s with D.J., and he will stay with D.J.!” she cried. 

Roman stared at Marlena in shock. He felt like he didn’t even know her. He’d spoken to Kim. She explained Marlena’s amnesia calling it confabulation or something like that. It sounded like nonsense to him. He assumed he could come over, and somehow force Marlena to remember him, but she’d already divorced him in his absence. He didn’t even think that was possible. “Wait a minute! You can’t divorce me! I didn’t sign the papers.”

Feeling her strength returning, she said, “I can. Marital abandonment and willful desertion… an ad was placed in the Spectator, after a week without a response the courts can move forward. Mickey explained everything to me.”

John was surprised. He hadn’t realized her divorce would be processed so quickly. In truth, he hadn’t spent much time thinking about it at all. It made him feel oddly untethered. Her marriage to Roman was another boundary that kept the two of them from blurring lines. It kept them from crossing into territory, and emotions they shouldn’t. Marlena being free from those restrictions would tempt his resolve.

Roman misunderstood when John’s expression changed, “I guess you knew about this?”

“I knew,” John replied quietly, trying to figure out how to get Roman out of Marlena’s house without punching him.  “Look, Roman, I think you should go now. Marlena is upset, and no amount of yelling, and blustering is going to cause her memory to return. Dr. Hunter said this can’t be forced.”

Roman felt angry, and cornered. He was expected to go, to leave the house John had purchased for his wife, while John stayed, and convinced her of G-d knows what. Fire burned in his gut. Ever since he had returned to Salem, John Black had done nothing but meddle in his life. He’d thought, after Mexico, that he was finally done with him, and yet, they were currently faced off. He sneered at John, “And you’re just going to stay, and comfort her, are you? Exactly how does your wife feel about all of this? You buy your ex-wife a house that probably costs at least 500K. My house wasn’t good enough? You seem to spend a lot of time over here–”

“–Roman!” Marlena gasped, embarrassed at Roman’s suggestion. Her embarrassment came, in part because it wasn’t true, but also because she wished it was. She wished there was more between her and John than there was, and there was a certain amount of shame that came with the desire. He was married, and he had a child. Her love for him came at the cost of his family. The rational, logical part of her mind which had always determined how she lived her life was at war with this newer, emotionally impulsive side she was struggling to understand.

John stepped towards Roman, and Marlena released his arm, watching him carefully. His words were steely, as he said, “You should stop there, Roman. You left your wife. You left your children. I only stepped in to take care of them after you deserted them.” Glancing back at Marlena, he said more gently, “They were my family once… and if they need me, I will always take care of them. Isabella understands that.”

“Well, guess what? I’m home now. So, you can go. I think I can take care of my family!” Roman roared.

“Then you should have done that,” John told him. “You should have thought about what might happen if you left them without a security detail or protection. You should have considered every single possible outcome, but you didn’t.” John was furious that he even had to say these things to Roman, when Roman should be doing nothing but apologizing. He should be apologizing to Carrie for making her feel like she was unloveable. He should be apologizing to the twins who were so confused about who he was or what role he played in their life. He should be apologizing to Marlena for leaving her to balance it all… and for the attack. He should be apologizing for Caleb.

But Roman did none of those things. “Torres was after me! I thought if I left town–”

John cut him off, “–I took care of Marlena, and the children… even Caleb, because I love them. No other reason. They were my family once, and I still care for them. I named Caleb, and had a memorial service for him because you weren’t here, and Marlena… Marlena couldn’t do it herself. Now, I think you should go.”

Roman stared at Marlena, but the longer John was there the more determined she looked. He wouldn’t get any further with her right then, although he would be paying a visit to Mickey Horton. Trying to regain some semblance of control, Roman said, “I want to see the twins.”

Marlena wanted him to go. Having him in her space was upsetting, and unexpected. It made her feel confused, and it shoved the truth of her life in her face. With a shaky intake of breath, she told him, “They’re with Bo and Shawn-D on the Fancy Face until tomorrow, because it’s a teacher professional development day. I have custody of the children… but we can work out visitation.”

“Are you kidding me right now, Doc?” Roman stared at her incredulously. “They’re my kids.”

“They are our children, and yes, we have to talk about visitation. You were barely home for two months, Roman… and you’ve been gone for two months. The children…they’re confused, and I don’t think they are ready to be with you overnight on their own just yet–”

“–I don’t need your permission to see my children!” he roared. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

Marlena wanted him to understand, but the conversation was exhausting. She felt like Roman was a complete stranger. In her mind, she hadn’t spoken to him in eight years, and this version of Roman was harder. His edges were sharp, and condescending. He was less willing to compromise. He was angrier. “Roman, this has been so hard on the children. I just need you to understand–”

“–but, I suppose John has been here to play Daddy, right?” He had fully expected to come home, after being hunted by Torres, and be welcomed back with open arms. Instead he found John like a cuckoo in his nest. This was not how it was supposed to go. 

“Roman, that’s unfair,” Marlena said quietly. “You left us eight years ago. The twins were barely three weeks old. I know you came back… I know that, but I don’t remember it. The children… they know John. I only remember John… this is all very difficult for me. I don’t remember living with you this second time… I don’t remember us conceiving Caleb–”

“–they’re kids, Doc! Eric and Sami will adjust,” Roman said in frustration. “Carrie adjusted when she was little.”

Marlena stared at Roman, surprised at his ignorance. “Do you really believe that? You’re mistaken, Roman. You leaving this last time… she’s heartbroken over it. She feels like she somehow pushed you away.”

Roman dismissively replied, “I’ll speak with Carrie, Doc. I’ll explain the situation to her, and then she’ll understand. This is all just a big misunderstanding, you’ll see.” He glanced between Marlena and John, noticing that Marlena’s small fingers were wrapped around John’s wrist, and again felt boiling in his gut.

“It’s over, Roman,” she said softly. She didn’t want to hurt him. She had loved him at one time, but that was years before. She didn’t love him any more.

“You might change your mind when your memory returns,” Roman told her.

Marlena didn’t say anything. She wasn’t going to try to explain her memory, and the way her mind had created things to protect her. She might never fully recall the past year. She was remembering bits and pieces, but those memories were of John, or the children. “I think you need to accept this. We’ll work out visitation with the children, but our marriage is over.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Knowing me, knowing you

There is nothing we can do

Knowing me, Knowing you

We just have to face it, this time we’re through

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The front door closed behind Roman, and Marlena dropped John’s arm, wiping at her tears. She wasn’t sure what to say, or what to do. She wanted to fall into his arms, and cry her heart out. She wanted to hear soothing words, and feel his fingers brush her hair from her face. Taking a deep breath, she looked away from his intense blue stare. She wasn’t allowed to want those things. Glancing back up, she almost lost her self control at the kindness she saw shining back at her. She cleared her throat. “Thank you,” she said softly. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t arrived.” 

John followed Marlena as she turned to walk back into the kitchen. “I ran into Kim at the pub, and she told Roman had plans to stop by here. She was concerned.”

She glanced down at the dough in the bowl, and then glanced at the recipe she was following. Pushing the hair out of her face with the back of her hand, she started punching it down.

It was breaking his heart to watch her. Tears were slowly making their way down her cheeks again, but still she punched at her bread dough as if it were a person. John approached her carefully, whispering, “Doc…”

When his fingers whispered around the back of her neck, she shrank back. “Don’t, John. Please… don’t touch me right now, because I’m too upset… and I can’t keep depending on you every time I have a problem. It’s not your job to hold me, or comfort me.”

He stepped closer, “Hey… hey… don’t do this.”

“I can’t fall into your arms at every turn,” she said. She stepped around him, and took a loaf pan from the cabinet. “I have to learn to handle these things on my own. You have a wife and son, John. You have a family.”

John sighed, “Doc, we’re still friends.”

She put the loaf pan down, and turned to face him. “But, I want to be more than friends, and that is unfair. I’m not very good at being friends with you right now… and after the kiss in the mudroom, I’m not sure you are either.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

In these old familiar room children would play

Now there’s only emptiness, nothing to say

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The kitchen was silent for a long time. John sat on a wooden stool at the kitchen island, and watched Marlena place the dough in a greased loaf pan with a sense of awe. As long as he’d known her cooking wasn’t something she’d ever cared to learn. She was content to prepare meals from a box, or order take out. Not that he’d ever minded. He was curious about her recent attempts. In a soft voice he asked her, “So, Doc, what’s with the sudden interest in cooking?”

She covered the pan with a tea cloth as she thought about his question. “I don’t really know. I’m not able to work right now, and I feel like we already depend on you so much. Eating out is not really an option, since eating at home saves money.” 

“I don’t mind. I want to help you. What I said to Roman is true… you’re still my family, Doc.”

“But, you see… I found out the other day that you paid the bills for my follow-up visits at the hospital.” She watched him for a moment. He didn’t respond. He just stared at her as if he would pay a million medical bills for her. The signals were so confusing. She sighed, “Since I’m not working, I no longer have health care coverage, and since Roman left, and lost his job on the force, neither do the twins.”

John smiled at her, and asked in a teasing voice, “And because you don’t have health insurance you suddenly wanted to learn how to make bread?”

Marlena laughed, “No! But, because you’re paying for everything right now, including our groceries… I thought I’d try to cook. I never had to cook before. I was limited to scrambled eggs and ramen noodles. I don’t have to learn to cook, but it’s challenging, and I think, challenging is good for me. I’m not naturally good at it, and I usually gravitate towards things that are easy. This is difficult, and a worthy distraction from other things.”

They stared at each other for a moment, before Marlena turned away quickly. As she started rinsing dishes to load the dishwasher, John watched her. He never would have considered how amazing she would look in a pair of overalls and a cotton t-shirt. She pushed her hair out of her face again, while water dripped from her hands. She was different since her accident. Not in obvious ways, but that control that she wore like a suit of armor was missing. She was more open, and vulnerable. It left him feeling this desire to protect her. While suits, and heels, with French twists in her hair had been alluring, he suddenly found himself inexorably drawn to messy hair, disorganization, and loose cotton clothing. Who was he kidding? It was Marlena. No matter how she was, no matter what she did, he would be pulled into her orbit.

What Marlena couldn’t figure out was how John ended up with Isabella and she ended up with Roman, if she was fairly certain she’d always loved him. Why would she make that decision? What had happened? Because something must have happened. The memories that she was having were so confusing, leaving her feeling hollow, and bereft. She was mourning her relationship with John, and she didn’t have the information she needed to even come to terms with it. Turning off the water, she dried her hands. For two days she’d been remembering one singular moment, and it was time to ask him about it.

“Real or not real?” she asked, turning to face him. “Did I tell you I loved you in Mexico?”

He heard the echo of her voice in his mind, “I loved you… I love you.” His throat was thick with emotion, and he whispered, “Real.”

“I don’t understand,” she asked softly. “If I told you I loved you, why are we here? At this place… this junction?”

“It’s complicated,” he said softly.

“Well, uncomplicate it, John.” She stared at him for a long moment, and then whispered, “Tell me what happened in Mexico.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go

Knowing me, Knowing you

It’s the best I can do

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

SONG: Knowing Me Knowing You – MGT (featuring Ville Vallo)

Chapter 19 – These Dreams

October 5, 1992

Marlena’s Lakehouse

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Spare a little candle, save some light for me

Figures up ahead, movin’ in the trees

White skin in linen

Perfume on my wrist

And the full moon that hangs over

These dreams in the mist

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s body twisted in her bedsheets. Lost in a dream, she reached her hand out in front of her towards empty air, whispering, “John.” In her dream she could feel the cool night air, and the way her nightgown brushed against her legs.

He stood near the top of the stone stairs that led down to the lake, his hand outstretched, and his bare feet buried in the grass. A vision that she had imagined so many times. “I’ve been waiting for you, Doc.”

“John,” she whispered, stepping off of the porch with bare feet. Her white linen nightgown dragged across the dew covered grass, and the wet cotton tangled in her feet as she walked. The full moon lit up the sky, and Marlena was awed by the sight of him standing there. His bare chest, and muscular shoulders glowed in the silvery light. He was wearing loose cotton pants hanging low on his hips, and her fingers ached to dance across his skin. 

“Come with me, Doc. Just for a walk on the beach,” he whispered as she neared him. “I miss you. I miss spending time with you.”

Taking his hand, she sighed softly when he pulled her closer. Her hand slid around his waist, and settled gently on his lower back. She stared up at him, “What are you doing here?”

“I told you baby, I miss you.” He turned and descended the stairs while tugging her behind him. “It’s such a beautiful night, isn’t it?”

“It is,” she whispered, still staring at him in awe. Where had he come from, and why was he there? She didn’t remember coming outside. She wanted to ask him, but she was afraid if she did, he would disappear. He would be gone as soon as the words left her lips.

Their feet were back on the grass as soon as they came off of the bottom step. She could hear the soft lap of the lake against the beach. John’s voice carried softly on the night air, “You’re an amazing woman, Doc. I don’t tell you that enough.”

“John, I’m confused,” she said quietly. “I don’t understand.”

“Do we need to understand?” His fingers brushed lightly across her cheek. “Your eyes are such a beautiful mix of amber and green tonight.”

Marlena started crying. She felt the soft breeze cool the wet trail across her face, and tried to wipe at them but they kept coming.

“Doc, hey… baby, don’t cry.” He leaned forward, tipping her face up, “I’m here with you. Don’t cry.”

“This isn’t real,” she said, barely above a whisper. “I’m going to wake up, or something will happen, and you’ll be gone.”

“But I’m here now.” He stroked across her face, and then pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. She rocked with him slowly as he held her, and cooed, “I’m here now… with you. Let me hold you. Enjoy this moment, that’s all I’m asking.”

Her body sank into him. Every line of her fit against him, and she sighed. Still, she cried. It wasn’t real. She knew it wasn’t, and she also knew that when she woke the pain would be fresh and raw. John’s hand settled low on her back, holding her against him, pressing her closer, and she felt an ache in her. She wasn’t able to have him hold her so intimately, and not react. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

Marlena looked up at him quickly. How many times had she longed to hear him say that, and how many times had he said instead, I care about you. Love? Did he love her? Her voice was barely audible, as she replied,“You never said…”

“I shouldn’t say it now, but I can’t help myself.” He glanced out over the water, and then smiled down at her, “It really is the perfect night.”

He started walking along the beach, weaving their fingers together. “I wish we could meet like this every night. I wish I could hold your hand, and spend time with you without guilt.”

“Because of Isabella,” she whispered. John didn’t respond. He didn’t have to. Letting go of his hand, she pulled the hem of her nightgown up, and stepped towards the water. It was cold, lapping against her toes softly. Then she felt John’s palm slide along her hip, and his lips on her neck. She sighed, leaning back against him.

“It’s so hard to be near you, and not touch you,” he whispered in a husky voice.

“I’m not yours to touch,” she said softly. “But I wish I was.”

John’s soft breath wafted over her sensitive skin, “I wish you were…”

Marlena’s eyes fluttered in the early morning light. It took her a moment to realize where she was, and when she did it hurt. Just as she’d predicted in her dream the pain was fresh and raw. She was all alone. She rolled onto her side, curling into herself and she cried.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Darkness on the edge, shadows where I stand

I search for the time on a watch with no hands

I want to see you clearly

Come closer than this

But all I remember

Are the dreams in the mist

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Salem Courthouse

Marlena smiled at Mickey, and thanked him for his help. The paperwork was signed, and finalized. She was divorced, and while she was happy to be done with it, there was a part of her that felt the same sadness she’d felt when her marriage to Don had ended. Marriage was started with such hope, and having it end in divorce years later was not easy. She watched Mickey turn the corner, and then made her way towards the exit, only to find herself cut off by Isabella. Marlena stared at her in surprise.

Isabella stared at her with determined eyes, “Marlena.”

Marlena started to speak, “Isabella, I didn’t see you–”

“–you and I have to talk,” she said, interrupting. She didn’t care how much the people of Salem loved Marlena, or how protective John was of her because of her recent struggles. All she saw was a woman who didn’t care that she was blurring the lines of friendship, and seducing another woman’s husband. Isabella saw a woman who needed to be put in her place.

Marlena realized that Isabella was ready for an argument. It was in the way she held her body, and the intense stare of her eyes. Marlena sighed, “All right, what’s on your mind?”

Without preamble, Isabella accused, “I know what you’re doing to John, and I am telling you right now, I want it to stop!” 

Marlena looked around the hallway, and noticed a couple standing a few feet away watching them. Seeing an empty conference room, she gestured towards it, and started walking away. Isabella would either follow, or she wouldn’t, but Marlena knew she would. A woman who looked that determined wouldn’t leave until she felt she’d been heard. Entering the room, Marlena said over her shoulder, “This should be better. That way we won’t have the entire courthouse overhear us.” Isabella walked by her, and Marlena left the door slightly ajar. She had been struggling with closed doors ever since her attack. Facing the other woman, she said carefully, “What’s on your mind, Isabella?”

With a chuckle, and a slight sneer, Isabella faced Marlena. Marlena was an incredibly intelligent woman, and yet she looked at her as if she were confused. “As if you didn’t know,” she said sarcastically.

Unwilling to play these catty feminine games, Marlena replied, “If I knew, I wouldn’t have to ask you.”

How could she despise someone she barely knew? Isabella watched Marlena, thinking she seemed smug and arrogant. She stood there feigning ignorance, but Isabella knew that Marlena was well aware of what she was talking about. “This is good,” she said with a small sarcastic smile. “You’re very good at playing innocent, but then, I guess you’ve had a lot of practice, haven’t you?”

Marlena’s patience was wearing thin. She wanted to get home, and she wanted to change her clothes. She wasn’t sure how she had managed to spend years wearing heels, and business suits. They were horribly uncomfortable, and the pinching of her toes combined with scratchy polyester was going to make her scream. “Look, either say what’s going on, or you can stand here, and talk to yourself–”

“–what? You’re going to walk away?” Isabella asked harshly. “That’s your style isn’t it? You disappear, and then you come back, and then you act as if your hands aren’t dirty.”

Marlena stared at her in surprise. Isabella’s anger seemed to go all the way back to Marlena’s return more than a year earlier. Not only that, Isabella seemed to be placing the blame on Marlena, as if she had planned her own kidnapping. “I’m not going to stand here and be insulted by you,” Marlena said firmly. “If you have a point, it’s time to make it.”

Fury lay just beneath Isabella’s measured words, “You’re trying to seduce my husband. I want you to leave him alone.” 

“Excuse me?” Marlena thought about John. If she wanted, seducing him would be easy. As it was, she fought her desire for him nearly every time she saw him. She clenched her fists to stop herself from reaching for him. She had dreams where he held her close, and told her he loved her, and Isabella stood there accusing her of seduction.

“That’s right! You had a husband, and you divorced him, but you can’t have John!” 

Marlena stared at Isabella for a moment with her mouth slightly parted in shock. Stepping away from her, Marlena said, “Have I done something in particular that makes you react like this, or is this just the way that you perceive things?”

“Wait… don’t– don’t start analyzing things, alright!” Isabella was furious watching Marlena try, and act like she was innocent. “It’s a fact that you have been stringing John along ever since your accident.”

“That’s not true,” Marlena replied calmly. 

“It is!” Isabella said, stepping closer. “And if you would leave him alone, he could focus on his wife and his son. Instead he is hanging onto you because of his deep-seated sense of loyalty.”

“I don’t believe I’m hearing this.” Marlena stared at Isabella in disbelief. 

“Well, the truth hurts!” Isabella said loudly. “I guess, you don’t want to hear the truth either!”

“It depends on which truth you’re talking about,” Marlena said, turning to face her fully. “I think you and I perceive things very differently.”

Isabella wanted to scream. Marlena was infuriating with her holier than thou, calm attitude. “I only perceive things the way that I can. From my viewpoint, the man I love should be focusing on his life with me and our son. He should be moving forward, and building our family… instead of taking care of you!” 

“You are way out of line,” Marlena said softly. But there was a ring of truth to it. She did like having John around, and watching him with the children. She still loved him, and she hadn’t given much thought to what that might be doing to his home life. “I will not tell him that he can’t spend time with the twins, or Carrie… and as much as I hate to admit it, I am currently not in a position to take care of myself financially. But, know this, your accusation of seduction is wrong.”

“You haven’t tried to seduce him? You think I don’t see it?” Isabella demanded. “The long stares, the embraces that last too long, and all of the times you call him into a conversation to discuss your past or some funny thing only the two of you remember? It’s over, Marlena! Over, and you need to let him go!”

“I think,” Marlena said slowly. “That this is a conversation you need to have with your husband.”

“I’m having it with you!” Isabella cried in frustration. 

“Well, it’s over.” Marlena gave Isabella a long stare, and she said, “Your insecurities and your fears will end your marriage sooner than I ever could. I suggest you speak with John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These dreams go on when I close my eyes

Every second of the night another life

These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside

Every moment I’m awake

The further I’m away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella and John Black Loft

Isabella glanced up from where she was feeding Brady as John entered the loft. He was late, and he hadn’t called. “Where have you been?” she asked with an edge to her voice.

“I picked Sami up from her Brownie meeting, because Doc had an errand to run,” he said, hanging his jacket on the coat rack near the door. Isabella had started to become more and more demanding of his time lately.

She stared at him with a hard look, “And I suppose Marlena called you because there was no one else to do it?”

John was confused at her vitriol. Finally he said, “Actually it was Caroline who called me. She was supposed to do it, but she had to take Shawn to the doctor. He’s got the flu or something, and she didn’t want to expose the children.”

Isabella felt the heat of embarrassment in her cheeks, but didn’t acknowledge her blunder. She lifted another spoonful of rice cereal to Brady’s lips without a word as she felt John’s eyes on her. 

“Marlena said she saw you at the courthouse,” he said conversationally.

“Did she?” Isabella asked. “Is that all she said?”

“What else would she say?” he asked, reaching for the spoon in her hand, and taking the bowl from her. He scooped another spoonful into his waiting son’s mouth. He shrugged carelessly, “She seemed to act like it was unimportant. Why? Did something happen?”

“No, no… I was just wondering.” Isabella eyes him carefully, and felt her anger rising for the second time that day when she noticed lipstick at the corner of his mouth. Had he been kissing that whore? Reaching out, she wiped her finger across his skin, and held it up. “What’s this?”

John knew from her tone, and the look in her eyes that she had already assumed he’d kissed Marlena. In an effort to lighten the mood, he laughed, “Sami was playing with make-up, Izzy-B. Then she started kissing my face to make it look like it did in cartoons. You know when Bugs Bunny dresses up like a woman, and kisses Elmer Fudd?” She continued to stare at him with distrust, and he set Brady’s bowl and spoon down, pulling her into his arms with a soft sigh, “Look, you’ve got to stop assuming the worst. Marlena didn’t call me to pick up Sami, and Marlena didn’t kiss me. Please trust me… nothing is going on between Marlena and I.” 

But he didn’t tell her that Marlena had been the one to wipe most of Sami’s lipstick from his face when she came home and saw it, and he didn’t tell Isabella that Marlena had told him exactly what their conversation at the courthouse entailed. Marlena had cried on his shoulder telling him that they needed space, because maybe Isabella was right. He could still hear Marlena’s voice as she whispered against his shoulder, “Maybe I am trying to seduce you… and I don’t even realize it.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Is it cloak and dagger? Could it be spring or fall?

I walk without a cut through a stained glass wall

Weaker in my eyesight

The candle in my grip

And words that have no form

Are falling from my lips

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John sat with his head thrown back on the sofa, while Isabella took Brady upstairs to bed. Everything was so complicated, and he was finding it more and more difficult to be present in his marriage. He had to work harder, and he had to break free of his growing fascination with this new version of Marlena. He would almost welcome a return to her controlling suit of armor. They were much safer when she kept him firmly at a distance. Friends. Whatever they were currently was riding a very thin line. Closing his eyes he thought about his most recent therapy session with Dr. Baker.

“Why do you think you had the affair with Danielle?” Dr. Baker asked him softly. “If you say you immediately regretted it… what would have led you to the point that you went through with it?”

“I don’t know,” he said, rubbing his palms over his face roughly. “Danielle… being near her, touching her, kissing her… it brought forth memories I thought I’d lost. They were memories that I kept reaching for. I was desperate to remember, and they were soft memories. Fond ones…I’ve gone over it so many times… and I’ve considered telling Isabella that it happened, but the more time that passes the more I think to myself, that maybe I should simply let it go.”

“And yet, you’ve told Marlena about it twice. Before, and after her memory loss. Why do you think that is?” she asked.

John stared at her for a moment, seeing nothing but empathy shining back at him. “Truthfully?”

“Yes. There is no reason to censor yourself here, John.” Dr. Baker shifted her notebook in her lap, and leaned forward slightly. “Without thinking about it, give me your first response to this question: Why could you tell Marlena about your affair with Danielle, and not Isabella?”

“Because Doc knows what I’ve been through. Doc would understand,” he said. “Because Doc won’t hate me for it.”

She was quiet for a moment, before asking, “And you think that Isabella wouldn’t understand?” 

“No… yes… I don’t know,” John said, standing up in frustration. “It’s different with Marlena. She knows what Stefano is capable of. She’s experienced it firsthand. Isabella has only heard about it. She could never truly understand what it feels like to have your mind so thoroughly manipulated that you lose who you are.”

Dr. Baker asked him softly, “How is it different with Marlena?”

“Doc would be frustrated with me, even disappointed and hurt… but she would always see the other side of it,” John said, pacing the floor. “Because she’s been through it. It’s different… because it’s… Marlena. It’s Marlena.”

He stood in the center of the room staring at Dr. Baker helplessly. He wasn’t even sure if he was making sense. Maybe there weren’t words to explain the feeling of complete, and total acceptance that he got from Marlena. He whispered, “That doesn’t even make sense,”

“But it does,” she said. “If you feel safe with Marlena, no matter what mistake you make… then you would be willing to open up to her about the affair with Danielle. Do you feel safe with Isabella?”

“Safe?” he asked in confusion. Safe with Isabella? “What does that even mean?”

Dr. Baker stood up, coming to stand near him, and she said, “Emotionally, John. Do you trust your wife with your emotions? Your innermost thoughts?”

The first thing that came to mind was when he was struggling to find out if he was Roman Brady or John Black. He’d found out that information he’d told Isabella in confidence, she had told to Marlena in anger. She had told Marlena to hurt her, and to prove that John trusted her more. When Marlena told him, the hurt in her eyes had been too much for him. She’d been hurt because he’d kept it from her, and hurt because he hadn’t trusted her. But the biggest hurt was the hurt he felt at Isabella’s disclosure. She hadn’t told Marlena to help him. She’d told Marlena to hurt her, and that was the biggest violation. The second thing that came to him was the conversation he’d had with Marlena about his affair with Danielle. Towards the end, Marlena had asked him if he felt emotionally safe with Isabella. 

He stared at Dr. Baker, and answered truthfully, “No. I don’t trust her, not emotionally. When she’s hurt, or in pain, she lashes out.”

“Then I think you have your answer,” she told him.

His eyes opened, and he stared at the ceiling. His affair with Danielle had been brief, but he still owed Isabella the truth, and he knew it would break her heart. It was only a matter of when he would tell her. He’d held off until Brady was born, because of Isabella’s health problems, and he’d held off further because of everything Marlena had gone through after her attack. It always seemed to be the wrong time. Maybe it would always be the wrong time, and it was possible that there would never be a right time. Maybe he should just let it go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The sweetest song is silence that I’ve ever heard

Funny how your feet in dreams never touch the earth

In a wood full of princes

Freedom is a kiss

But the prince hides his face

From dreams in the mist

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John rolled over in his sleep, reaching out, and his fingers met warmth and softness. He sighed with relief. Isabella smiled, as he wrapped himself around her, and nuzzled his face into her neck. She loved him so much, and she would do anything to keep him, even if that meant leaving Salem for a while and taking him away from the object of his fixation. She knew he was asleep, but still she tipped her face up, whispering, “I love you, John.”

Lost in a dream, he whispered, “I love you too, Doc.”

Isabella’s eyes opened wide in the darkness, and she slowly disengaged herself from his hold. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she wiped at her eyes furiously. He was dreaming about Marlena. She stood up, staring down at him, and she walked out of the room to check on Brady.

John walked out of the woods into a clearing, and there she stood. On one side of her was Roman and on the other was Marcus. Both of them were masked, and reached out to her. A silent plea to take their hand, to choose them. John reached up, making sure his own mask was in place. His bare feet sank deeper into the thick grass, and he stared at her across the glade. A full moon lit the scene, making Marlena’s hair shine silver in the night. The silhouette of her body, the slope of her hip, and the full roundness of her breasts cast in shadows through the thin linen she wore. 

Stepping closer, he said, “Doc! Don’t! Don’t reach for them… I’m here.”

Tears of pearl slid down her cheeks, as she whispered, “I can’t choose you. I can’t have you!”

He stared at her in confusion. She couldn’t choose him? Why? Why couldn’t she simply hold her hand out, and reach for him? Suddenly he found himself standing in front of her. Roman and Marcus were gone, and his mask was discarded at his feet. Her hazel eyes stared up at him shining like twin flames of burnt amber, and she choked out, “I can’t.”

There was a reason he shouldn’t take her in his arms. It was hiding in the back of his mind, but he couldn’t recall. All he knew was Marlena’s scent, the feel of her silken hair across his face, and the way her warmth felt cradled against him. He couldn’t remember anything else. Slowly his fingers grazed her hip, tangling in the soft cotton fabric of her gown. He tugged her closely, and his other hand softly caressed her heated skin, feeling her warmth radiating from beneath. Soft, rounded flesh, filled his hand, and he groaned into her feeling unable to control himself. 

His lips kissed her neck gently. His tongue licked softly behind her ear, and there was nothing he wanted to hear more than her soft mewls, and whimpers against his lips as his mouth finally took hers.

“This is wrong,” she cried into him, and John felt her soft tears cooling against his cheek as his mouth continued to make love to her face, and her neck.

“How can this be wrong?” He pulled back, staring down into her tear streaked face. “How can it be wrong, when everything about this feels so right? Doc, baby… it feels so fucking right.”

She continued to cry, returning his kisses with fervor as her tears soaked their faces.

John’s body jerked, as his eyes opened into the darkness of his bedroom. He was still gasping, and he felt shame roll over him as his cock throbbed painfully. Even in his dreams she pushed him away, and yet responded so fucking beautifully to his every touch. He stood up, pushing down on his dick to relieve some of the pressure, unaware that Isabella watched him from the hallway. He rubbed his hands roughly over his face, and entered the bathroom, saying, “What the fuck am I going to do?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These dreams go on when I close my eyes

Every second of the night I live another life

These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside

Every moment I’m awake…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: These Dreams – Heart

Chapter 20 – Come In With The Rain

October 10, 1992

Brady Pub, Salem

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I could go back

To every laugh

But I don’t wanna go there anymore and I

Know all the steps

Up to your door

But I don’t wanna go there anymore

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stood outside of The Brady Pub watching Marlena through the window. He’d come to the party alone. Not by choice, because he’d asked his wife to attend. She’d refused. She’d given him some song and dance about taking Brady out in the cold, and the lateness of the event disturbing Brady’s bedtime. An argument had ensued because John knew she was making excuses. How many times had they had Brady out in the evenings, well past ten o’clock?  Especially on evenings when they had dinner at Victor’s. Brady was five months old. He could find sleep wherever he wanted – John’s shoulder, Isabella’s arms, his car seat surrounded by noise at Wings. Glancing at his watch with a sigh, he only became more frustrated noticing it was not even seven o’clock. Isabella’s excuses were wearing thin.

He knew things were complicated with Marlena. As he watched her laugh with family and friends through the window, he couldn’t deny that he wanted her. He ached for her. It was so much more than physical, and that scared him the most. Isabella could sense it. She could read the guilt in his eyes, and sense his discontent. His dreams in the night were making everything worse. He had no control over what his mind did while he slept. He had no control over the pain in his wife’s eyes when he woke up screaming, “Doc, don’t leave me!” Isabella didn’t want to hear that he was reliving the moment that Marlena had lain in his arms on a road in Stockholm. She didn’t want to hear about the explosion at his home. Isabella didn’t want to know how scared he was or how he was suddenly reliving moments when he thought he’d lost Marlena forever. John was left to himself, expected to reconcile his unsettling emotions on his own. His only outlet was Dr. Baker, and there were times when all he saw in her eyes was sadness.

A gentle hand landed on his back, and he heard Kim say, “Are you planning on going in?”

Turning around with a smile at the sound of her voice, he said, “Hey Kimmy.”

“Isabella isn’t coming?” she asked him carefully. She knew why Isabella wasn’t there. The way John’s wife felt about his attachment to Marlena was obvious. Kim had worried this might start to happen. 

“Isabella didn’t want to bring Brady out in the cold, and then there’s his bedtime…” John’s voice trailed off, as he glanced back inside the pub.

Kim wouldn’t dispute what he’d said. He was lying, but it didn’t matter. Instead she said, “Let’s go wish Pop, the twins, and Marlena a happy birthday.” 

John wrapped his arm around her with a smile, “Where’s Shane and the kids?”

“They should be inside already,” she said. “I had an evening appointment for a patient who works later. I schedule six o’clock appointments for her every two weeks. Kayla and Steve should be on the way.”

“I know you can’t say much… but how’s Marlena’s therapy going?” he asked her quietly.

“John,” Kim said gently, placing her hand on his arm. She stared up at him sadly, “I can’t tell you anything. You know that.”

“I worry about her so much,” he whispered.

“She’s strong. She’s working things out, but you have to know… with confabulation… she may never get the last year back. She may never remember that time with Roman, or the kids. She can learn to recognize which memories are false, but… that doesn’t mean the other memories will return.” Kim watched John wince, almost as if he were in pain.

“So she’ll… she’ll continue to believe she’s in love with me?” he asked.

Kim sighed, “John… she is in love with you. She always was. That’s where this is coming from. When she was attacked her mind went to where it felt the safest, and that was with you.”

Just then, Marlena glanced up, and her eyes caught John’s through the glass. A wide smile took over her face, causing Sami and Eric to turn around. In unison they screamed, “Daddy!”

John couldn’t help the grin that came over his face. He reached for the door, and then heard Roman behind him, “I can assume they’re not talking to me.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Talk to the wind, talk to the sky

Talk to the man with the reasons why

Let me know what you find

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman came and went with the speed that sometimes comes when someone feels awkward and unwanted. Kim tried to speak with him. Marlena tried to reassure him that he just needed to spend more time with the twins. Shawn told him he was being ridiculous, and Caroline said he shouldn’t give up on reestablishing his bond with his children. None of it worked. Roman dropped his gifts off, had a stilted conversation with Sami and Eric, kissed Carrie and said he loved her, and then muttered something about how he had to get back to work. John watched it all with sadness, his heart breaking for the children, and his heart breaking for Marlena, because despite everything that had happened, she didn’t want her children to lose a connection with their father. As the door closed behind Roman’s back, John felt the rage simmer. 

His eyes met Marlena’s, and he cleared his throat saying to Caroline, “If you’ll excuse me.” And then he made his way down the back hallway towards the restroom. He needed to calm down. He needed to tame the rage he was feeling. Eric, Sami, and Carrie were amazing. They were intelligent, vibrant, and they loved with their whole hearts. In Mexico, Roman had fought for them. He’d fought for them like they were possessions, not people, and he’d torn them from John’s arms as surely as if they had been there with them. 

Slamming the door to the restroom open, John entered, and leaned against the bathroom sink breathing harshly. The stalls behind him were gratefully empty. He could allow anyone to see him in this much emotional pain. It fucking hurt. It hurt to watch Roman so callously, and so carelessly throw aside his relationship with his children because he was jealous of John. Turning on the faucet, John thrust his hands under the ice cold water, splashing it up into his face, trying to rid himself of the heat that had settled in his cheeks.

Marlena watched John leave with panic. Glancing over at Kim, she stared at her with wide eyes. Should she go? Should she stay? “He’s upset because–”

“–I know why he’s upset. My brother’s ass. Go after him,” Kim said softly. “He needs someone right now.”

“I’m not sure,” Marlena hedged. “Maybe I shouldn’t…”

“He won’t talk to anyone else. We both know that,” Kim told her. John needed a friend, and right now, that friend was Marlena. Kim couldn’t think too much on whether or not it was a good idea to send Marlena after him. Human emotions were complex and finicky. John’s pain was evident. He was torn up because Roman had taken his family from him, and then carelessly discarded it. Blood didn’t matter. Love mattered. “Go, Marlena. Go check on him.”

In the men’s restroom, John closed his eyes, feeling the frigid water slide down his face, and into the collar of his flannel shirt. He shivered, and opened his eyes when he first smelled Marlena’s perfume, and then felt the soft glide of her arms around his waist. Her face rested against his back, and John closed his eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry he took it all… and he… he doesn’t even appreciate it.”

“Doc,” he said carefully. “Those kids were my life. They are still my life. They are my everything… and he’s angry at them for loving me? He’s a fucking grown man, Doc! A grown man.”

She lifted her face, and found him staring at her in the mirror, every line of his face etched in agony. She whispered, “They love you, and they will continue to love you… and you… you will continue to be there for them. You will continue to be in their lives, and Roman will have to figure out what type of relationship he wants with his children, but I won’t take them away from you again.”

He turned to face her, “You didn’t take them away–”

“–I did,” she said sadly. “I don’t remember it, but I’ve had those hard conversations with Kim and with Carrie. I allowed Roman to push you away… and I don’t know why I would do that, when I know how much they need you. They don’t know Roman or I the way they know you.” She reached up, her small hands cupping his wet cheeks, “So, I’m telling you I’m sorry.”

Her apology broke his heart wide open. His arms slid around her waist, and he held her close, resting his cheek on her soft golden hair. Marlena closed her eyes, allowing her head to rest on his chest, and she listened to the steady thump of his chest beating out the most beautiful song.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’ll leave my window open

‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name

Just know I’m right here hoping

That you’ll come in with the rain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena laughed as she carried a tray of dishes into the kitchen. Sami chased after Shawn D screaming, “I’m gonna get you!”

She was so happy… most of the time. As long as she didn’t think too much about John. She rounded the corner, and saw him standing at the large sink rinsing plates before he loaded the restaurant size dishwasher. He was gorgeous. The way his jeans hugged his hips, and the way his shirt lay over the broad expanse of his shoulders. Marlena’s hands shook, jostling the tray in her hands, and John turned quickly rushing towards her.

“Whoa there, Doc! It’s your party, you’re not supposed to be helping with clean up!” he said, reaching to take the tray from her wobbly hands. “You’re supposed to be socializing and celebrating one more year of life.”

Marlena laughed, “Really, John! We all know this party was mostly for the twins with Shawn and I thrown in.”

John wiped his hands on the towel he had hanging over his shoulder, and then slung it back in place, “Oh, no, Doc. No, no, no! This party is to celebrate you too.” He leaned close, with a teasing look in his eye, “Did you make a wish when you blew out the candles?”

Marlena felt herself blush remembering her wish. She could picture it – her pushed against the doorframe at the front of her house, John leaning into her, his hand solidly sitting above her head. The dark look of want in his eyes, and her stuttered breathing. She stepped around him, clearing her throat, and tried to ignore the heat rising up her neck. “I made a wish,” she said softly. “It’s customary.”

John stared at her. She stood at the sink with her back to him, but he had seen the blush creeping up the delicate line of her neck. He pictured himself standing behind. Too close. He shouldn’t, but he did. Stepping up behind her, so close his body was flush with hers, John leaned down whispering in her ear, “And what did you wish for?”

Her breath caught in her throat, and her belly fluttered with a thousand butterflies, “I can’t tell you. Wishes don’t come true if you tell them, John.”

He took a deep breath, breathing in sandalwood and jasmine, and even though he shouldn’t, he ran the tip of his nose alongside her neck, “Tell me.”

“John,” she gasped, surprised at what he was doing. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to coerce your birthday wish out of you,” he said in a rough voice. But it was more than that. Every instinct in him screamed at him to stop. He couldn’t do this, and yet, fighting this was so hard, and he was emotionally exhausted. He wanted a few minutes to feel something wonderful. The chance to feel something that wasn’t pain, or stress, or anger… or guilt. He could feel guilt later.

Without turning around, she whispered, “I wished for you to kiss me.”

John paused, staring at her ear before he bit her lobe gently. His chest rumbled as he asked her, “And where did this kiss take place?”

“At my front door,” she gasped as his hands settled on either side of her, boxing her body in.

“Describe it,” he implored in a rough voice. He leaned against her with slightly more pressure, pushing her against the sink so she couldn’t escape. He couldn’t stop himself.

She took in a quick breath of air, her body quivering, “John–”

“–we’re just talking, Doc. That’s it. It’s just words,” he told her. His lips brushed over her silken hair, and he said, “Just words.”

But it was so much more than words. The butterflies in her stomach had taken flight, and the heat of his body, and the feel of his soft breath wafting over her sensitive skin… it was much more than words. 

He had her closed in a sensual box she couldn’t escape from. She couldn’t stop herself from responding to him. He was giving her what she dreamed of every night. His attention, and his affection. She craved him like a drug she couldn’t quit. She felt near tears when she told him, “I was standing in my doorway… you leaned in, placing your palm on the wood above my head, and you kissed me. I wished for that.”

“Do you want me to kiss you?” he whispered from behind her.

“You can’t kiss me,” she breathed. “You can’t. It was just a fantasy.”

“Fuck,” he groaned softly. He forced himself not to kiss the sensitive skin behind her ear. He held himself back from sliding his palm up her abdomen to cup her breast. “I want to.” 

“You think I don’t see what’s happening, John?” Isabella screamed. “The amount of time you spend with her? The pandering to her children? What about me? What about your son?”

John stepped away from Marlena as if his body were burned. She turned around, fat tears slipping over her cheeks. The moment was over. Whatever she saw in John’s eyes was testament to that. Wiping her hands on a nearby dishtowel, she whispered in a choked voice, “I’m going to go tuck the twins into bed upstairs. They’re sleeping over.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I could stand up

And sing you a song

But I don’t wanna have to go that far and I

I’ve got you down

I know you by heart

And you don’t even know where I start

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse 

John drove his Jeep in silence as Marlena sat beside him. His fingers clenched the steering wheel. “Look, Doc, what happened in the kitchen at the pub–”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, John,” Marlena replied abruptly, telling him what she knew she needed to say. It wasn’t what she was feeling, but it was the appropriate response. “You have a wife. We were out of line.”

“But you’re hurt,” he whispered. She remained silent, so he said, “I never want to hurt you.”

Nothing made sense in her life. Nothing was the way it was supposed to be. “I’m so confused,” she cried softly. “I don’t know what you want from me, but I know what I want from you. It’s unfair… and it hurts. I’m getting mixed signals from you… and I never thought I would be the other woman. I–I hold myself to a higher standard than that, and yet here I am dreaming of you nearly every night, hoping for an embrace or a casual touch…wishing for a kiss. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep being so weak…”

John sighed, “No, Doc. You’re being honest. I don’t think you’re being weak at all.”

“I am,” she said hurriedly. “I should be able to control this. I shouldn’t keep giving in to my emotions. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t…” She wiped at her eyes furiously as she stopped speaking abruptly.

“We’re friends,” John said in exasperation. “We agreed to be friends. Don’t shut me out, Doc. I know that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Maybe we need space. A few days… possibly a couple of weeks. I can’t keep feeling this way… aching for you as much as I do.” She glanced back out the window, “It hurts to want you this much, and I know that my desires would destroy your family.”

“I’ll keep my distance, Doc. I won’t–I won’t repeat what happened tonight, but please don’t push me away. Don’t do that,” he begged. 

“But this is wrong,” she cried softly. “I feel awful. I want to care about Isabella, and I want you to remain loyal to her and your family, but John… I swear if you came to me, and if you wanted me, I would give my body over to you, because I love you. I’m in love with you, John.”

“Doc,” he said quietly, hoping she would stop because she was breaking his heart.

Marlena cried out in agony, “I’m in love with you, John!”

“Don’t do this,” he said, feeling her pain roll off of her in waves.

“That’s the truth! I love you!” she said. “You love me!”

“You’re right.” His heart was breaking to agree with her, but it was true. He was hurting her. This constant back and forth was hurting her. It was holding her back. She couldn’t move on from the love she felt for him, if he was pulling her back every chance he got. “You’re right. Maybe we need some space. Some time.”

Suddenly all she felt was fear. She went from wanting distance, to afraid of what would happen if she got it. She couldn’t lose him. The agony of that would be much worse than seeing him daily, and feeling the ache of wanting him. “John–”

“No, you’re right, Doc. This is hurting you, and it’s unfair to you. I’ve made a commitment to my wife, and even though things are difficult right now… I’ve still got to honor my commitment to Isabella.” His guilt was suddenly catching up to him. This wasn’t a game. This was his life. His wife and his son’s lives. He sighed, “I have to focus on Isabella, and Brady. I have to remember why I fell in love with her. I have to reaffirm my love for her–”

John pulled into Marlena’s driveway, and as he was putting the vehicle in park, she threw open the door getting out. He called after her in frustration, “Doc!”

She didn’t understand her own emotions. They were wild, they were frantic. She felt as if she were someone else, and all she could think to do was to separate herself from the cause of those wild emotions. She had to get away from John. “Go! Leave! I’m home. I’m safe. So, leave!”

“Doc, don’t do this,” he said, running after her. They reached her front door, and he pushed her back against it, “Please, Doc. Don’t do this.”

She pounded on her chest, “John! This hurts!” Her eyes flashed as she stared up at him. “My memories of my life with you are burned into my brain! I can’t forget them, but you keep asking me to. Kim says they will fade, but maybe I don’t want them to fade! Maybe I want to keep them! I will want you for the rest of my life. Even if I date other people, even if I move on… I will always want you. There won’t be a day that goes by that I wouldn’t willingly take you back into my bed… and do you know how much that hurts?”

His palm slammed into the door frame above her head, and his forehead rested against hers, as he said in a choked voice, “I’m sorry… but I can’t. I can’t hurt Isabella that way.”

Marlena sobbed. A gut wrenching sound that nearly destroyed him, as her hand reached up, caressing his jaw gently. She stared at him with tear filled eyes, “If you ever want me… I will take you. If you come to me… I’ll take you on whatever terms you’re asking because there will never be anyone else.”

He couldn’t take it anymore. All evening he’d replayed her words in his mind, I wished for you to kiss me. John’s mouth crashed down on hers in a wave of want so intense, that her gasp into his mouth only pushed him on. Just the thought, the mere idea that she would allow him to take her upstairs and make love to her, had him pressing her back against her front door. Their mouths searched for each other in the dark, as they bit and sucked at soft lips. John’s gasping breaths wafted over her skin, and Marlena’s kitten-like whines sent sensation straight to his cock. He was coming apart bit by bit at the seams. He was being torn apart by guilt, and sadness, and want… desperation. 

John’s hand cupped her neck gently, his fingers threaded into Marlena’s hair, and he groaned. She tasted so fucking good, so fucking familiar. He kissed her until he was out of breath, and his cock was screaming for her. He kissed her until she pulled back, staring up at him with love and adoration, and all he could do was whisper, “Happy, birthday, Doc.” Turning on his heel, he walked away. He couldn’t look back. He couldn’t apologize for the pain she was feeling as he left her standing there. If he went back, if he stood there a moment longer, they would push their way into her house, and he would drag her upstairs to her bedroom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve watched you so long, screamed your name

I don’t know what else I can say

I’ll leave my window open

‘Cause I’m too tired at night for all these games

Just know I’m right here hoping

That’s you’ll come in with the rain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella and John Black Loft

When he got home, John dropped his keys by the loft door, and shrugged out of his jacket. Hanging it on the coat rack, he stared at the telephone and made his way towards it. He dialed Marlena’s number by heart, and when her soft voice picked up, he whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m going to stay away for a while.”

He heard the click on the line and knew Isabella was listening upstairs. Marlena heard it too, so all she said was, “Thank you for the ride home, and thank you for coming to my party. Good night, John.”

He held the phone to his ear until he heard the dial tone, and then he replaced it in the receiver. He was starting to question what marriage was, because he was certain that it wasn’t unhappiness and distrust, even if the distrust in his case was deserved. He slowly made his way up the stairs checking on Brady before he made his way to his bedroom. He stood in the doorway watching his wife pretend to be asleep. Is that what his life had come to?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I could go back 

To every laugh

But I don’t wanna go there anymore

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Come In With The Rain (Taylor’s Version) – Taylor Swift

Chapter 21 – I Wanna Dance with Somebody

October 30, 1992

Wings Restaurant, Salem

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Clock strikes upon the hour

And the sun begins to fade

Still enough time to figure out

How to chase my blues away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John wasn’t sure that an ecologically friendly business was his calling. Not that he didn’t want to leave the planet in better condition than it had been when he was born, he just wasn’t sure he had the heart for it. Isabella did, and she kept insisting that he was a natural, but he would have much rather taken his Alamain inheritance, and done something different. A top tier P.I. firm, or a security business perhaps, but he wasn’t meant to be CEO of EcoSystems. In truth, he’d like to simply drop his money in the bank, and become a cop again. That was when he’d been happiest, down at the cop shop with Abe, and then Schofield. 

He glanced at the man across from him. He was small, with thinning hair and a paunchy belly, from too much alcohol indulgence. “So, you see Richard… this water filtration system will cut down on the pollution created by the runoff of your plant by nearly 90%.”

“I’m not sure,” the man hedged. “That’s a mighty hefty price tag attached.”

John stared at him for a moment, and then said, “That’s true, but how much has your company paid in fines to the city of Salem over the last five years as a result of pollution? You’ll see that this system will pay for itself.”

Richard Hendershott started laughing, “Oh! You got me there, John! That damned ecological department downtown has cost me more than this contraption will.” Sticking his hand out to shake John’s he said, “You sold me. It’s a deal.”

John shook the other man’s hand, feeling disgusted at the feel of his palm against his. Richard Hendershott was a horrible person, but at least now his company wouldn’t keep polluting the Salem River, and paying fines like he had money to throw away. “You won’t regret it. EcoSystems will do the installation for free, as long as you agree to paying upfront. We can get it done within the month.”

“That’s still with the 15% discount you lured me to dinner with?” Richard asked with another laugh.

“That’s a fact,” John said.

Richard stood up, feeling frustrated that he had to invest that much in something he would never see a dime from. But he knew that the fines were cutting into his overall profit margin. “Good. Good. It’ll get those fucks off my back. Thanks so much for meeting with me tonight.”

“It’s no problem,” John said, shaking Richard’s hand one last time. He watched the man leave, and thought about Isabella’s frustration over his dinner meeting with Richard Hendershott. 

It seemed as if she was second guessing everything he did. He hadn’t seen Marlena in twenty days. He knew it was twenty days, because at some point he’d started counting them. Isabella’s suspicion was warranted, but still exhausting. A near constant barrage of where was he, where was he going, why was he late, who did he see, who did he talk to… John sighed, sitting back down in his chair. It didn’t help that nearly every time he came home, Marcus Hunter was sitting on his couch with Isabella right beside him.

He sat back down in his chair, hoping to stall going home for a few more minutes. Catching the eye of the server, he ordered a whiskey on ice and tried to relax. That lasted mere seconds when he heard Marlena’s laugh coming from the entryway at his back. He immediately stiffened. He closed his eyes, waiting for the scent of her perfume to hit him, and when it did, he wanted to get as far away from it as he could. It was too late to leave, so he turned slowly, and his eyes caught Marlena’s. It was instant. Fire, lust, want, desire. It would burn him, and destroy him from the inside out.

Marlena felt it, fast and fierce it consumed her. Gently, she placed her hand on Marcus’s arm to get his attention, “I’m going to the restroom. I’ll be right back.” With one last glance at John she was gone.

After finishing his conversation with Julie, Marcus realized John was sitting at a table nearby, and suddenly understood Marlena’s hasty retreat. Dark blue eyes stared at him with anger, and jealousy. Jealousy that John had no right feeling since he was married. Marcus nodded his head at John, and then continued to his table, placing Marlena’s coat over the back of her chair. Feeling a certain level of frustration, Marcus knew he was going to have to speak with John. He walked towards the bar to order a drink knowing that the other man would follow.

John watched Marcus walk towards the bar with hard eyes, and he stood up quickly following him. “I don’t understand what you think you’re doing?”

Marcus stared at John for a moment, “I’m taking a friend to dinner.”

“A friend?” John asked him. “We both know that it’s not going to go anywhere. Marlena is in love with me. She’s still confused, and you–”

“–what?” Marcus asked him as a challenge. “Are you finally going to say it? Are you going to acknowledge it, or are we still pretending that you don’t know?”

“I don’t want Marlena hurt,” John said. “She’s not in any state to be making decisions or doing things that could alter her life. I worry about her.”

“You love her,” Marcus told him. “You love her, and instead of dealing with that you’re hurting your wife every day. You think I don’t know? Isabella calls me over to cry on my shoulder about you almost every day.”

“And you rush right over, don’t you?” John sneered. 

Marcus was quiet for a long moment, “I care about Isabella. She’s my best friend.”

“You love Isabella,” John said matter of factly. He’d known for months, but he’d refused to acknowledge it. “You’re in love with my wife. So why are you here?”

Marcus laughed sardonically, “I would think that would be obvious. I’m moving on, and Marlena is moving on. We understand each other.”

“You told Marlena about your feelings for Isabella?” John asked him.

Marcus didn’t have to answer him. He could ignore the question, and walk away without another word, but instead he said, “We understand each other.”

“What the fuck does that even mean?” John demanded, feeling this overwhelming sense of losing control. Marlena exited the hallway near the restrooms, and John was overcome by her beauty. Her long blonde hair sat in waves just below her shoulders, and she wore a simple a-line dress of burnt sienna, with three-quarter sleeves.

Marcus didn’t even answer John’s question. He took his drink from the bartender, and he walked away. He was in love with Isabella, but he could never have her. John was in love with Marlena, but he needed to stay away from her. Marcus worried about both women. Isabella because she deserved someone who put her first. She deserved someone who loved her unconditionally, and John was not that man. He worried about Marlena, because her love for John was hopeless. As he approached Marlena, he saw her repeated glances behind him. She could barely keep her eyes off of John, and that was a pain she needed to stay away from. To keep herself from hurting, but also to keep Isabella from hurting.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve done alright up till now

It’s the light of day that shows me how

And when the night falls

The loneliness calls

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena watched Marcus step over to the bar to take a telephone call, and her gaze almost immediately went to John. He was watching her. She could feel it. Twenty days. Twenty days without his voice, or his laugh. Twenty days of sadness. She missed him, and as much as she knew the distance between them was for the best, she was starting to feel wreckless… chaotic. She stood up slowly, feeling an ache in her body as he watched her walk slowly towards the hallway where the restrooms were. He would follow her. She wanted him to follow her.

He shouldn’t, and yet he didn’t even allow himself to consider the possibility of staying where he was. He would follow her because he couldn’t stop himself. He would follow her because she wanted him to. Glancing over at the bar where Marcus was still talking on the phone, John stood up casually, and followed Marlena into the shadowy hallway. The door to the women’s restroom closed with a soft woosh, and after a quick glance around, John pushed it open, and flicked the lock behind him. Marlena stood at the sink, staring at her reflection in the mirror, as John whispered, “What are you doing, Doc?”

“I’m having dinner with a friend,” she whispered. She stared at him in the mirror with tears in her eyes, “And the whole time, I’m wishing it was you.”

John stepped closer, wanting to reach for her, and wrap his arms around her. He whispered softly, “I wish it was me too.”

“I thought distance would help me get over you,” she said quietly. “I thought this need for you would slowly fade, but it hasn’t. Maybe, I need to try harder.”

John’s chest constricted as he told her, “Marcus… Marcus can’t be the man you need him to be for you, Doc.”

“Because he’s in love with your wife?” she asked without preamble. “Quite ironic don’t you think? He and I make a pair, both in love with people we can’t have.” She turned to face him, leaning back against the sink. Her emotions felt raw, and without thought, she said, “I’m sitting there eating dinner with him, and all I keep thinking about is letting you fuck me in a bathroom stall. What is wrong with me?”

Her tears broke him. John stepped so close to her that she felt his body heat against her skin, and moaned softly. He momentarily forgot what he was going to say as images of her naked body pressed against the cinder block walls came to his mind. Her legs wrapped around his waist, his face pressed against her neck, breathing her in like a drug. Reaching up, his large palms cupped her face, “I don’t want you to be hurt… and if you develop feelings for Marcus, he’s not– he can’t reciprocate them.”

“I know that,” she whispered, staring up at him. “But wanting you hurts too much, and Marcus is kind. He makes me laugh. We have things in common… and I’m not as lonely when I’m with him.”

John’s belly burned and bubbled. Marlena had every right to see whomever she wanted, and she was right. Marcus was probably all of those things, but he wasn’t right for her. John’s mind posed the question, will anyone ever be? Anyone other than you? And the answer was no. He would always flame with jealousy at the thought of someone else touching her… kissing her… waking up next to her.

“Fuck… baby,” he groaned, pulling her lips to his. Marlena’s soft sob filled his mouth, as one of his arms slipped around her hips pulling her body flush with his. His other hand buried in her silken tresses, as he kissed her so fiercely he felt the sting of it in his lips. The taste of Marlena exploded on his tongue, and he pulled her even closer, diving into her. Marlena’s fingernails scraped at the back of his neck, but he couldn’t even think about the marks that might be left behind. 

He lifted her, moving away from the sink, and he pressed her body against the wall. Marlena’s soft moans drove him on. Her cries of need, and her arched body against him nearly pushed him into madness. Sweeping his tongue along her, he bit at her lips. All he could think about was how much he loved her, and needed her… how much the idea of her with anyone else caused a rage inside him that he wasn’t sure how to control. 

Marlena pulled away from him, gasping as she stared up at him with arousal blown hazel eyes. “You followed me in here,” she whispered. “I knew you would.”

John’s breath caught in his throat, “Doc.”

“You love me, and yet you continue to deny it,” she said with a soft choke. “I have to move on, because you won’t choose me. Don’t you see?”

John didn’t stop her when she wiped her cheeks quickly, checking herself in the mirror. He didn’t stop her when she left him standing alone in the women’s restroom. All he was left with was an ache in his chest, swollen lips, and the stinging sensation in his skin at the nape of his neck. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Oh, I wanna dance with somebody

I wanna feel the heat with somebody

Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody

With somebody who loves me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena’s Lakehouse

When John had walked out of the restroom at Wings, Marlena and Marcus were gone. He’d known they would be. After paying his bill, he sat outside in his Jeep for nearly fifteen minutes, before deciding to drive to Marlena’s house. He should have gone home, where his wife was waiting for him, but it was late, and she was probably asleep already. If she wasn’t, she would pretend she was. 

All he could think about was the wine soaked taste of Marlena’s lips, the soft mewling sounds she made when she was aroused, and the sadness in her eyes when she talked about spending time with Marcus. Marcus couldn’t love her, just as he couldn’t love her. That would only mean more heartache for her, for him, and for Marcus.

As he pulled up in front of Marlena’s house, he wanted to beat the shit out of Marcus Hunter. John’s headlights lit up Marlena’s front entryway, and what he saw had him slamming the vehicle into park, and turning it off in a rage.

Marcus gave Marlena one last soft kiss, before pulling back. She had tears in her eyes, and he asked her softly, “Do you want me to stay? I don’t have to leave.” He wiped her tears from her cheeks, and he heard John’s car door slam loudly.

She could feel John’s anger from where she stood, or maybe she could imagine it. While Marcus was worried, even concerned, Marlena relished it. She wanted it, because John only reacted when he was overwhelmed. She’d felt it in the restroom at Wing’s. If that’s what she had to do to get him to feel what she was feeling, she would continue to do it. Reaching up, she touched Marcus’s jaw softly, “Go. I can handle this.”

“He’s jealous, you know,” Marcus whispered softly. “I worry about you.”

“I’m fine,” she told him. “I need to speak with John. I need to let him go.”

“He needs to let you go,” Marcus told her. He glanced over as John neared the dim light of the porch, and then he told her, “Call me if you need me.”

With one last soft touch, Marlena whispered, “I will.”

No words were spoken between John and Marcus as Marcus left the porch, and walked back towards his vehicle. John stared helplessly at Marlena, and whispered for the second time that night, “What are you doing, Doc?”

“I might ask you the same thing,” she said quietly, turning to put the code in on her door lock. He looked amazing. He’d left his suit jacket in the Jeep, and he stood next to her with a loosened necktie, and his shirt sleeves rolled up. His hair was mussed and she knew it was from him repeatedly running his fingers through it. “You followed me home.”

He went into the house after her, gazing over at the mudroom quickly. Watching Marlena hang up her coat, he asked, “Where are the kids?”

“Camping with Bo,” she said, not making eye contact. “Bo has been trying to be more involved with them since Roman wasn’t stepping up. Roman’s just decided to leave town again. Another mission for the ISA that he simply can’t turn down.”

“When does he leave?” John followed her into the living room, almost tripping over the coffee table because he was distracted by the way her hips swayed under her dress.

“Tomorrow.” She finally looked at him, “John why are you here?”

“I don’t know,” he replied.

Marlena stepped closer, leaving only an inch or two between their bodies, and she said, “You’re lying. We both know why you’re here… so say it.”

John stared down at her, afraid to speak. He felt like he was losing her. He felt jealousy unlike anything he’d ever felt before. He was scared. He was aroused. “Doc…”

“Tell me the truth for once, John!” she cried out. “Tell me why you’re here, or you can leave.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I need a man who’ll take a chance

On a love that burns hot enough to last

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He couldn’t look away. Her eyes had entrapped him. He couldn’t speak. His voice was stolen. Marlena pressed herself against him, and asked with a desperate plea, “Real or not real… you love me?”

John’s voice was barely audible, when he whispered, “Real.”

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she begged. “Please… please tell me what you’re thinking.”

John’s fingers swept softly across Marlena’s lips, “These are my lips, and I want to remove Marcus from them.” His fingers wiped across her mouth with more pressure. “Your body is mine, and I want to take away the memory of his hands on your hips.”

“But you don’t want me,” she whispered. The pain in her heart was breaking her chest open like a chasm. “You made a commitment to Isabella, and I don’t understand it. I’ll never understand it, because I don’t remember letting you go. I don’t remember walking away. I woke up from a coma, and you weren’t Roman… you were John. I woke up and you were married to someone else. And now I find myself in therapy with Kim trying to filter out my false memories, and it’s so damned hard, because they are beautiful memories…”

“I can’t be with you…” he said in a choked voice. “And I can’t stand the thought of someone else touching you,” he said, resting his forehead on hers. His fists clenched at his sides, because he knew if he touched her, he might not stop. “I can’t stand the thought of Roman touching you… or Marcus…”

“But you won’t?” she whispered, sliding her palm up the front of his dress shirt feeling the buttons underneath her palm. “You won’t, when you so obviously want to?”

“Doc, you’re torturing me,” he said, stepping back because he needed space.

She followed him, “You came here, John! You came to me!” He didn’t answer her. Instead he stood there looking at her, unable to leave, unable to stay. “Go home. Go home to Isabella. Lock the door behind you. I’m going to bed.”

John stood there for several beats, and then as she tried to walk by him, he caught her wrist, pulling her back. “I don’t know what to do,” he told her in a voice that sounded tortured. 

“I know you love her,” Marlena whispered. “But you love me too… you love me more. And you need to figure that out. I know what I want. I know what you want, but you’re too scared to reach for me.”

His fingers clenched again as her words echoed in his mind, You’re too scared to reach for me. Softly, so soft Marlena barely felt it, his palm caressed her hip. Marlena stepped closer, and his fingers tightened. She wouldn’t stop him. He knew that. He pulled her closer, and he watched her eyes close briefly from his gentle touch.

She was so lonely. So desperate for his touch that she almost cried in relief when she felt his face rub over the top of her head. Tugging at his shirt, she pulled it from his slacks, slipping her small hand along his lower back. Lifting her face, she looked up at him with wide eyes, and whispered, “Touch me.”

“Marlena,” he said softly. “This is… dangerous. I shouldn’t have come here.”

“But you did,” she said, pushing her hand higher on his back. “You came here because the thought of Marcus touching me was making you crazy. He can’t touch me… and you won’t touch me.” She stepped away from him wiping tears that almost broke his heart from her eyes. “Don’t you see what you’re doing?”

John didn’t have time to answer. He heard the keypad on the door, and then it opened revealing Carrie. Her eyes were swollen, and red, as if she’d been crying. Without noticing the situation she’d walked in on, she started crying again simply grateful that the two people she needed most in the world were there when she needed them.

Marlena held her arms out, and Carrie walked into them sobbing, “He’s leaving again, and it’s as if I don’t even matter. He’s never cared.”

John wrapped his arms around both of them and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Punkin’.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So when the night falls

My lonely heart calls

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: I Wanna Dance with Somebody – Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist (Cast)

Chapter 22 – Uncover

November 6, 1992

Dr. Whitney Baker’s Office, Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Nobody sees, nobody knows

We are a secret, can’t be exposed

That’s how it is and that’s how it goes

Far from the others, close to each other

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John felt sick to his stomach as he looked at Dr. Baker. His affair with Danielle was becoming something he could no longer ignore. “I got a letter at my office. From Danielle. She wanted me to go to Paris… to meet her there.”

“Do you know why?” Dr. Baker asked him. 

“She wasn’t clear. She was actually very vague,” John replied. “But there is no reason for me to see her again.”

Whitney watched him closely, “Do you feel like you might have another affair?”

“Another affair?” John shook his head, “No. I think… she’s worried that I might tell the ISA that she was Romulus. It was obvious she still cares about me, and she mentioned some health problems, but as I said, she didn’t go into any great detail.”

“Would you divulge her secret? Do you feel like her fear is founded?”

“No,” he said softly, remembering his time with Danielle. “No, I wouldn’t ever do that. I want Danielle to be safe. I want her to have a long life… a happy life. She deserves it. I know I loved her once.”

Dr. Baker leaned forward where she sat in her chair beside him, “Did you respond to her letter?”

“I did, but I still haven’t told Isabella what happened in Stockholm.” John was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “I asked Danielle to stay away. I told her the truth… that I’d told Marlena about what had happened between us, but I haven’t told Isabella. I’m not sure I can ever tell Isabella.” John ran his hands through his hair, “I’m so confused right now. My feelings for Marlena are so complicated, and Isabella… she senses that. I’m having dreams about Doc. I’m calling out for her in my sleep… I’m reaching for her in my sleep and waking Isabella. It hurts her, and there are nightmares too… I’m recalling when Marlena was in a coma back in 1986, and what we went through with Orpheus and the ISA, and instead of trying to understand, Isabella is growing more and more distant. I can’t control my dreams.”

“Do you believe Isabella’s distance is only because of your dreams?” she asked him. “Could it perhaps be more?”

“Maybe… I’m distant?” he said carefully. The environment at the loft had become increasingly tense. Both of them were feeling things they weren’t saying. Isabella seemed to be increasingly dependent on Marcus. John felt like she was pushing him away. Her near constant badgering made it even more difficult. “I’ve been working later. Dinner meetings with clients, paperwork at the office… but it’s because of the constant questions. The constant need she has to know where I am, who I’m talking to, how long I’m going to be gone…”

“Is there any validity to her anxiety? In situations like this there usually is,” Whitney said. John gave her a wary look, and she said, “I’m not accusing you of anything, so please don’t take it that way. But, is it possible that your recent reconnection with Marlena, since her accident, might be causing Isabella some fear about the stability of her relationship with you?”

John stared at his hands where his fingers laced together as he leaned forward, and he said, “It’s not just possible… I know it’s true, but what can I do about that?”

Whitney stared at him for a moment, growing frustrated with his constant skirting of the truth. She leaned back in her chair, saying, “You know, John, I can’t help you… therapy won’t help you, if you’re not completely truthful, and trust the process.”

He sighed deeply, still staring at his hands. It was almost as if he could hear Marlena saying those same words to him six years earlier. He was giving Dr. Baker half-truths, and he knew it. He stared at her for a moment, and then said, “Marlena… she’s so in love with me, and it…G-d, it’s making me want things… a life with her, a family, and that makes me feel like a horrible person, because I have a wife and a son… I already have a family. I love my son more than anything.”

Dr. Baker noticed that he didn’t mention loving his wife. She imagined that John had already blurred lines with Marlena. He wasn’t just in her life as a friend, and Isabella suspected as much. “Do you love Marlena? And be truthful. Think about it… do you love her?”

Looking into Dr. Baker’s kind eyes, John said, “More than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my life, and it’s tearing me to pieces. She needs me. The kids need me. I’ve got to stop whatever is happening between us. I know that, and I try to do that… and then I get jealous, and almost lose my mind… “ He paused, looking down briefly, and when his eyes met her again, he said softly, “I kissed her. I’ve kissed her a few times. I tell myself I can’t do it again. I’m going to stop… and then I find myself reaching for her.”

Whitney sighed softly, “You have to make a decision, John. You can help Marlena and her children, and you can take care of them without–”

“–how?” John cried, rubbing his palms over his face. He couldn’t stay away. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Not when Marlena’s hazel eyes were filled with tears… tears because all she remembered was their life together. All she wanted was to get that back. “How can I be close to her, and not want more?”

“What about your wife? You’ve already been unfaithful once… is there a danger of that happening again?”

“Yes,” John told her, standing up in frustration. If he was going to be truthful, he was going to tell it all. He walked over to her window, “I feel like I made a vow before G-d and my family to love and cherish Isabella, but I’m failing miserably. I’ve fucked everything up, and this would have been so much easier if Marlena didn’t have amnesia, because she was the one… she was the one who kept that wall between us! She was the one who wore the armor that kept me away, and that’s gone now. It’s gone, and my defenses are nothing when it comes to her… nothing.”

It made sense. Whitney had noticed that Marlena seemed to be different since her accident. If John had depended on Marlena to be the one to keep that degree of separation between them, and suddenly that was gone, would he be able to do it on his own? Should he? “I think, John, that you need to consider some things before you start down a slippery slope. Are you planning on telling Isabella what happened in Stockholm with Danielle? Because trust is a large part of marriage. You need to tell her about the affair with Danielle, and if you plan to stay married to Isabella, you have got to stop kissing Marlena.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

In the daylight, in the daylight when the sun is shinin’

On a late night, on a late night when the moon is blindin’

In the plain sight, plain sight like stars in hidin’

You and I burn on, on

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena’s Lakehouse

After therapy, John went to Marlena’s house. Dr. Baker’s words echoed in his mind: if you plan to stay married to Isabella, you have got to stop kissing Marlena. He sat in his Jeep with the engine idling debating whether he should leave or not. He had some big decisions to make, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to make them. He was going to have to tell Isabella about his affair with Danielle. The longer he waited the more she would be hurt. 

He stared at Marlena’s house. It was safe. Marlena’s car and Carrie’s car were parked in the driveway. The kids would be home from school. There wouldn’t be a chance for him to be alone with her. A quick check in, he could spend some time with Sami and Eric, make sure Carrie was okay now that Roman had left town, and see how Marlena was doing. That was all. He turned the Jeep off, and walked towards the house. 

Just as he was about to knock, the front door opened, and he was face to face with Carrie. “Dad!” she said happily, kissing him on the cheek. “I wish I could stay, but I gotta go!”

“Go? Where to Punkin’?” he asked, wondering why the house was so silent.

“I have a project due, and you know that means I waited until the very last minute,” she replied with a grin. “So I’m meeting Jaimie at the library to knock it out. Then I’m sleeping over at her house.” She gave him a quick hug, and ran off. John watched her go, and was relieved to see she was doing much better than she had been a few days earlier. Roman leaving Salem was a decision made purely for selfish reasons. He was hurting, and rather than deal with that, he left his family again. 

Quickly, he called after Carrie, “Where are the Twinners?”

Carrie popped her head out of her car, “They’re at Aunt Kim’s. A sleepover with Jeannie and Andrew. Marlena’s laying in the backyard.”

Carrie closed her door, and started to back out of the driveway as John muttered to himself, “Laying in the backyard? It’s November.”

He entered the house, taking a deep breath. Marlena had baked bread again. She was becoming quite good at it. He noticed the veranda doors were thrown open, and he walked out onto the stone porch, glancing over at the fireplace. It would be a lovely fall night out there with the children roasting marshmallows, and telling stories. It was also a dream. That wouldn’t be his life. He saw Marlena out on the lawn, just where Carrie said she would be. A large knitted blanket was thrown over the ground, with her lying in the middle. Her arms were crossed behind her head, and John smiled realizing she was yet again wearing a pair of overalls. This time they were a dark brown corduroy, with the sage green long sleeved t-shirt beneath it. She wore that shirt so often it was going to get holes. He couldn’t see her face, since she was on a slight incline, but he saw how the autumn sunshine on her hair had it glowing with hints of auburn, honey, and amber.

Stepping off of the porch, and onto the thick grass, John approached her. Marlena’s eyes were closed, and she had a small smile on her face. He knelt down beside her, and trailed his finger across her forehead softly, “What are you thinking about, Doc?”

Her eyes fluttered open, and she stared up at him, whispering, “You.”

His abdomen clenched. The kids were gone. He was alone with Marlena, and all he could do was say to himself, if you plan to stay married to Isabella, you have got to stop kissing Marlena. But then he said, “Oh, really? And what were you thinking about?”

Marlena, feeling an intense need to push him, said softly, “I was wondering how far we might have gone in the bathroom at Wings… if I hadn’t walked away.”

“Doc,” he said, sitting down beside her on the blanket. “We can’t keep doing this. I’m your friend. I can only be your friend. I can’t hurt Isabella again.”

Marlena sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees as she stared out over the lake, “Did you tell Isabella… about Danielle?”

“No,” he replied. “But I know I need to.”

Marlena felt angry when she said, “So, you’re still lying to her?”

John felt as if Marlena were pushing him into a corner, “I haven’t told her. I plan to, but I have not blatantly lied to her–”

“–lying by omission is still lying,” she said, getting to her feet. She wiped her palms on her pant legs, and turned to start walking in the house. John was infuriating. She was tired of his mixed signals. She was tired of his jealousy, and she was tired of being his second choice. All she wanted was to be his choice – his first choice – but she wasn’t, and she wouldn’t be.

John stared after her in shock, finally snatching up the blanket, and jogging after her to catch up. “Doc, I plan on telling her. Soon… probably tomorrow or the day after, but she’s going to be upset. I’ve waited seven months–”

“–you should have told her as soon as you got home!” Marlena cried. “You told me! I don’t remember it, but I’m sure it broke my heart.”

John stared at her in surprise. That couldn’t be right. “No.”

Marlena laughed sarcastically, “And you know that for certain?”

Did his confiding in Marlena hurt her? She’d been his therapist at that point, and she’d reacted in a very detached manner, but had his confession hurt her? He hadn’t considered it the first time he’d spoken with her about Danielle, although he knew that the second time was painful for her. “I didn’t consider that it might have been painful for you. We were friends, and you were my therapist.”

“Well it hurt,” she said, staring down at him from the top step of the back porch. “I don’t remember, but it had to have hurt me, because I can’t wake up from a coma loving you this much, if I didn’t love you just as much then. The only difference is that now… I’ve somehow lost the ability to hide that from you. I am no longer capable of looking into your eyes, and lying to you, although it was much more convenient when I could.”

She was right. He’d just said the same thing to Dr. Baker in his session that morning: I’ve fucked everything up, and this would have been so much easier if Marlena didn’t have amnesia, because she was the one… she was the one who kept that wall between us! She was the one who wore the armor that kept me away, and that’s gone now. It’s gone, and my defenses are nothing when it comes to her… nothing. He stared at her. She’d been lying to him since Mexico, and he’d been lying to himself. He’d allowed it to happen because it was more convenient? Or because it was emotionally easier? Marlena could keep her armor in place, and everything was wrapped up neatly, but that wasn’t the right thing to do.

John stood on the step just below her, and touched her face gently, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have allowed you to bear the emotional burden.”

“You’re admitting it?”

“I think… it was easier for everyone involved at the time, and we… we should have talked about it. Really talked about it before we made any life altering decisions.” His thumb brushed away the tears that had started falling, and John leaned closer, making sure she saw the sincerity in his eyes, “I’m sorry.”

Marlena asked him quietly, “Would it have changed anything?”

Things were so damn complicated, but he owed her the truth. Softly, he said, “It would have changed everything.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My asylum, my asylum is in your arms

When the world gives heavy burdens, I can bear a thousand tons

On your shoulder, on your shoulder, I can reach an endless sky

Feels like paradise

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“Are you going to eat that?” Marlena asked, gesturing with her chopsticks towards the last jiaozi.

“It’s yours,” he replied with a sigh. “I’m full.”

Marlena laughed, “You should be. I’ve never seen you eat so much.”

“I didn’t eat much today. I went to my therapy session with Dr. Baker, and skipped breakfast. Then I came over here, and had a slice of bread, which was amazing by the way, and that was all.” John leaned back against the couch, staring at the television screen. “Do you want to finish the movie?”

“I know I missed out on five years of films, and Carrie said this was hilarious… but I could have passed on it,” she replied, staring at the screen. 

“It gets better,” John told her, laughing.  He reached for her, pulling her back next to him on the couch. He wasn’t ready to give up this time with her just yet, and Isabella had abruptly decided to stay over at Victor’s with Brady for the night. There was no one waiting at the loft for him. He was going to allow himself to have this time… this moment. Without thinking he kissed the top of her head, “You’ve got to give it a chance.”

Marlena sighed exaggeratedly, “I just don’t understand the premise of two teenage boys time traveling in a telephone booth.” Taking a long sip of her second glass of red wine, she watched him try and formulate a response.

“Doc! They’ll never become a world famous band if they don’t pass this project! They won’t graduate high school!” He wanted to hear her laugh. He wanted to see her smile in that adorable way she did when he teased her. He reached for his beer, and waited.

She couldn’t help it. The seriousness on John’s face had her laughing loudly as he head fell back on his shoulder, and she reached for his arm. “John! Stop it!”

Her face tipped up towards his, and her breath wafted over his cheek smelling of red wine. She was so sexy, and alluring. He didn’t think about it. Kissing her was as natural as breathing. One moment she stared up at him, and the next his mouth was on hers, licking across the seam of her lips, begging for entry. One hand slid into her hair, holding her lips against his, and the other slid inside her overalls. Something he’d been fantasizing about for weeks. Her heated skin met his fingertips, and he allowed his hand to slip under the hem of her t-shirt. It was like running his palm over warm velvet, and he couldn’t help but slide his hand higher. When he realized she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath her cotton shirt, he groaned, “Fuck.”

Marlena turned in his arms, straddling his thigh while pushing him back against the armrest. He couldn’t run away from her this time. He had to admit what he was feeling. Her fingers laced through his hair, and her center pressed against his leg. With a soft moan, she gasped against his mouth, “Don’t stop. Oh, G-d, John, please don’t stop.”

He could hear Dr. Baker’s words, if you plan to stay married to Isabella, you have got to stop kissing Marlena. But he didn’t stop, instead he sank deeper into the couch, kicking his shoes off, and lifting his legs up onto the cushions. Marlena’s hips rolled, pressing herself against his thigh, and John knew he should stop. He would be confessing another transgression to his wife if he didn’t. But instead he lifted the leg she sat on, putting more pressure against her core, and lifted her body up so that her face was in line with his.

Electric impulses of arousal shot to her clit, and she cried out, “Oh, G-d!”

John continued kissing her. He couldn’t stop, but he released her hair, using his hand to grip her hip, and roll her pelvis against his leg. Marlena pulled her mouth away from his roughly, staring down at him with arousal blown eyes, while fumbling with the buckles on her overalls. 

He wanted her. It was obvious. His mouth was slack, and his eyes were almost black. Marlena rocked her hips against him, and moaned softly. She didn’t ever remember feeling this good.

John watched her, ordering himself to stop what was happening the whole time, while staring at her in awe. When the bib fell forward, his palms were instantly pushing her t-shirt up and over her breasts. His abdomen clenched, and his muscles rippled. Reaching out his palm, he cupped her breast, gripping it firmly. He pulled her body forward, and licked the tip of her dusky nipple. He laved over it, and he ran the tip of his nose between her soft flesh. It was heaven and it was hell at the same time. “Fuck, baby…” Lifting it high, his tongue lapped underneath picking up salty traces of her essence. He couldn’t stop. He should stop. He knew he should stop, but then Marlena moaned low and deep, and she rolled her hips, grinding her pussy against his thigh. Her knee pushed into his burgeoning cock, and he couldn’t stop. He would scorch in her flames, and suffer the penalty before he would stop.

Marlena put more pressure against his cock. He was hard, so hard he probably hurt. He ached as much as she did. Leaning close to him, she whispered, “I love you. I love you so much.”

Without answering her, he pulled her mouth down to his with a growl, and he bit at the tender flesh of her lips. He tasted her. He licked at her skin, and bit at the soft skin of her collarbone. He couldn’t get enough of her. Tugging at her t-shirt he pulled it over her head, staring up at her with heaving breaths, as Marlena unbuttoned the flannel shirt he wore. “Doc, we can’t do this…”

“Just let me feel you,” she pleaded. “Let me lay my body against you, and remember what you feel like underneath me.”

He tried to sit up, but she pushed him back against the armrest. John whispered, “What are we doing?”

“What we’ve been wanting to do for weeks,” she said, laying her soft breasts against his bare chest. Her lips sucked softly at his neck, and all of his arguments fled with the sensation of her skin touching his.

John’s large hands smoothed along her hips, holding her waist firmly, and he slid her center over his thigh roughly, as Marlena’s head fell back with a gasp, “Yes!” Over and over again he pushed her core against his thigh, and he watched as she got closer and closer to the precipice of her climax.

“Come for me,” he said roughly. “Come for me, Doc…”

And she did. Her body stiffened in his hands before falling against him limply. John felt like he would die of want and ache until he felt her hand move over his jeans, pulling at the button. When she reached inside, and pulled out his length, he growled. She knew how to touch him. Her thumb rubbed over the head of his cock, and he moaned, “Aw, fuck… just like that, baby.”

Her soft hand wrapped around his length tightly, pulling at his soft skin repeatedly while wiping his arousal over his sensitive tip with every pass of her hand. She licked at his neck, and his chest. She bit his lips, and kissed him over and over again until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and then he came so hard he saw stars, and his fingernails dragged across her hip. Afterwards he lay there gasping for air, and Marlena whispered, “You love me. We just proved that.”

John felt a tear trail down his cheek as he whispered, “I can’t love you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

We could build a universe right here

All the world could disappear

Wouldn’t notice, wouldn’t care

We could build a universe right here

The world could disappear

I just need you near

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

SONG: Uncover – Zara Larsson

Chapter 23 – Illicit Affairs

November 12, 1992

Marlena’s Lakehouse

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Make sure nobody sees you leave

Hood over your head

Keep your eyes down

Tell your friends you’re out for a run

You’ll be flushed when you return

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The slap of the pavement underneath John’s feet did little to calm his mind. His conversation with Isabella the night before had gone as horribly as he had anticipated. He’d waited until Victor had asked to take Brady for the evening, giving him and Isabella time alone. John knew he had ruined it, but he had to come clean eventually. Dr. Baker was right. He was lying to his wife, and he’d been lying to her since April. John ran faster. He could still hear her screams in his head. 

“How could you do this to me?” She stared at him with rage and pain filled eyes. “How could you do it, and then lie to me? Marry me?”

John tried to speak, “Izzy-B–”

“–don’t call me that!” she shrieked. John stepped closer, and she moved away. “And don’t touch me!”

He stood helplessly in the middle of the room, staring at his wife, unsure of what to do. She was right, and her anger was more than justified. He should have told her as soon as he returned home from Stockholm, but he’d used her pregnancy and her health as a way to justify keeping his affair from her.

“You slept with her, in Stockholm, while I was pregnant with our son! Was it good, John? A roll in the hay with another woman, while I’m here in Salem believing that you would never be unfaithful?” 

“Isabella, please just let me explain,” he said. “I just need you to understand, that time was confusing. I was having emotions I didn’t understand, and these memories that–”

With a sardonic laugh, Isabella sneered at him, “Do you know how fucking sick I am of hearing these excuses? Are we blaming Stefano for this as well? Your emotions overwhelmed you enough that you forgot you had a pregnant fiance waiting for you?”

What could he say? How could he get her to understand that there were moments when he’d completely forgotten her. He’d gotten so lost in memories and flashbacks that he didn’t understand and had no control over, that he’s made love to another woman… almost as if he were lost in time. But how was that possible? How could he lose track of who he was and where his commitments lay? 

Lamely, unable to express his ideas fully, he said, “I don’t even understand it myself. Something happened that night. I wasn’t myself… I was… who I used to be.”

“That makes no sense!” she cried. 

“It does,” he said softly. “It’s happened before… years ago, but it’s happened before. It was as if I knew what was happening. I was self aware, but it was another time and another place.”

She stared at him for a moment, and then she said, “I’m going to my father’s for a few days. If you want to see Brady you can come see him there. I need… I need some time to process this.”

He pushed himself harder, faster, his feet slamming against the pavement, while the cool autumn air burned his lungs. What was wrong with him? How could he possibly help Isabella understand what had happened with Danielle when he didn’t fully understand it himself? Rounding the corner, he saw Marlena’s lakehouse, and he hadn’t even realized that’s where he was going. A quick morning run had turned into eight miles, and landing himself at his best friend’s front door. He stood in her driveway, bent over with his hands on his knees as he gasped for air. His life was falling apart, and even though he knew he should stay away from Marlena, he’d gone straight back to her. 

Marlena wasn’t sure what had made her feel the impulse to go to her front door, but when she did, John looked up at her with eyes that told the whole story. She was still in her nightdress, and her feet were bare, but she walked out into the cool morning air, and she took his hand in hers, gently tugging him towards the house. Memories flashed of the last time he was in the house with her. His body pushed into the couch by her weight. The feel of her breasts against his bare chest. Her soft hand wrapped around his cock. She heard the tears in his voice as he tried to stop her, “Doc, I shouldn’t be here.”

“Just to talk,” she said softly. “That’s all. You’re hurting… otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Come on. I’ll make some coffee.”

John glanced at her warily, “Coffee?”

“I’ve gotten better at it, you know,” she said with a gentle smile. “It’s amazing how much I can do now that I’ve slowed down my thoughts. I didn’t realize until recently that before the accident, my mind was constantly in motion. It’s not like that now… it feels… calmer… a little slower.” She stepped over the threshold, and glanced back at him with a short laugh, “Although that could be because I don’t have a job.” 

He followed her, completely entranced. Her hair was bundled on top of her head in a messy bun, and her bathrobe was the same fluffy pink terry cloth one from before she’d disappeared. By most standards of society Marlena Evans would not be considered sexy at that moment. Beautiful? Yes. But not sexy, and yet she was. Her bare feet with pink painted toenails, and the tendrils of hair hanging across her forehead… she was sexy, and she wasn’t even trying.

Marlena stared at John. He was completely lost somewhere in his mind as he watched her. “John?” she repeated. 

He shook his head, “Huh?”

“Would you like some coffee?” she asked again.

“Yeah. Yeah, Doc. Coffee would be good,” he said.

“Have a seat on the stool – not the couch, because you’re all sweaty,” she told him.

But he wasn’t paying attention. He watched the delicate way she moved around the kitchen. She loaded the coffee pot, and then stood up on her tiptoes to grab a box of farina from the cupboard. Turning to John with a smile, she shook the box lightly, “You hungry?”

He shouldn’t stay, but he nodded his head yes.

“Good, I’ll make extra.” She smiled at him again, turning back to the stove. After getting the flame going she measured out a mixture of water and milk, and set it on the stove. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Simply being in her shared space did something to his nervous system, and he had begun to crave it when he wasn’t near her. That calmness that somehow made him feel like no matter what happened everything would be okay, because he would always have Marlena in his life.

He heard a loud thump upstairs, and glanced towards the stairs. “Do you want me to check on the twinners?”

“I don’t hear screaming, and I don’t think anything is broken. They should be fine.” She glanced towards the stairs again, “But, they are eight years old, and time management isn’t their strong suit. Do you mind watching the farina while I go, and hurry them along?”

“I don’t mind,” he said softly. He stood up from the stool. As she passed by him, she stopped and placed a gentle hand on his chest, “It’s going to be okay.”

“How? When I can’t even fully understand it myself?” he whispered.

“You mean what happened with Danielle… or the fallout with Isabella?”

“Both,” he replied. “It was as if I was myself, but I was someone else too. I tried to explain it to Isabella. How I was myself, but I was also someone else. Another time. Another place. Isabella doesn’t understand. I don’t even understand.” He stared at her for a moment, “Do you remember when we were in West Virginia, in Gauley Valley? It happened then. I felt myself switching… my mood all over the place. I loved you… and then I suddenly didn’t trust you at all. That’s how it was. One moment I was suspicious of Danielle, and the next… I was so in love with her.”

“We can talk about it.” Cupping his jaw lightly, she said, “Let me get dressed, and I’ll be back down.”

John held her hand against his face for a moment. He needed her help right then, and even though she might not fully understand, she was willing to listen. Isabella couldn’t or wouldn’t do that for him. He leaned forward, kissing Marlena’s forehead, “Okay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Take the road less traveled by

Tell yourself you can always stop

What started in beautiful rooms

Ends with meetings in parking lots

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

University Hospital Parking Lot

Marlena noticed that the sun was going down as she exited the hospital. When she reached her car, and tried to start it she stared at it in frustration. It wouldn’t start, and she knew why. She’d been putting off replacing the battery because her savings account was getting perilously low, and she couldn’t bring herself to ask John for help. After a long trek back towards the entrance to the hospital, the sun was even lower in the sky. She wanted to rant and scream and yell at the gods above… whoever they were. What she would have to do was call Shawn or Bo. Standing next to the pay phone outside of the hospital, she dug through her purse looking for a stray quarter.

John came around the corner, and a wide smile spread over his face. He’d only seen her that morning, but he wouldn’t mind seeing her again, and that was a dangerous way of thinking. It didn’t stop him, as he said, “Hey, Doc.”

She looked up with wide surprised eyes, and started crying almost immediately.

“Whoa! Whoa, Doc! Did I scare you?” He stepped closer, saying more carefully, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t. You didn’t. I’m just… overwhelmed,” she said. “I was trying to find a quarter to call Shawn or Bo, but I don’t seem to have one… and my car won’t start… and I need to pick up the twins, but I’m late.”

John reached for her hand, lacing his fingers through her, “Come on.”

“Where?” she asked.

“To the Jeep. I’ve got some jumper cables.” He pulled at her hand, but she continued to stare at him in a daze. “Where are you parked?”

“In the east lot,” she said softly. 

“The east lot? Doc, why so far?”

“The parking garage was full. The sign was up, and I had my followup appointment with Marcus. It was the last one.” She saw John’s eyes spark with jealousy, but he pushed it away.

“Ok, well, I’m parked just over there. I’ll be your knight in shining armor,” he said with a teasing grin.

Marlena smiled at him, “You always are.”

Within ten minutes, John had her hood up, and her battery connected. Her car was running soon after, but the overhead light in the parking lot was out, and they found themselves in near blackness. Marlena stared up at the sky, seeing every star in vivid detail. A new moon. The best time to see the constellations.

John stepped out of the glare of her headlights after disconnecting his jumper cables, and he said, “The battery terminals on your car are filthy, and I think you’re due for a new battery.”

Marlena sighed, “I was hoping it could wait longer.”

Without even explaining what was bothering her, he knew. He reached for her face, making sure she was looking at him in the dim light, “I don’t mind.”

“You’re paying for everything, and I don’t know what to do with my life,” she said. 

John leaned down, tipping his head towards her, “I have so much money, I don’t know what to do with it. I know that you’re a stubborn, independent woman… in fact you might be the most stubborn woman I know, but right now you’re healing, and you’re being a wonderful mother to children I consider my own. If you need something, I will help you. Do you understand?”

Marlena nodded her head, and John went to wipe her tears from her cheek. He only succeeded in wiping oil across her cheek. He started laughing, and Marlena asked him in confusion, “What?”

“I just smeared grease across your face. Hold on.” He put the jumper cables away, and ran back around their vehicles, “I don’t have any rags, so hold still.” Stepping closer, he lifted the corner of his t-shirt, and wiped the grease from her face. “That’s better.”

When he finished, he didn’t step away. He stood so close she could feel the rise and fall of his chest. Sliding her hand up his arm, she leaned forward and brushed her mouth across his slowly. “Thank you.”

That was all it took. He wrapped one arm around her waist, and pulled her into the dark shadows near the trunk of her car. He wanted more. One soft brush of her lips wasn’t enough. Lifting her against him, he stepped towards his Jeep, and pushed her against it, holding her there with his body, while staring down at her. His breaths dragged harshly into his chest. He could stop this. He should stop it.

“I thought we weren’t going to do this again,” she whispered. “That’s what you told me when you left the other day.”

“Doc?” he whispered, leaning against her..

“Yes, John?”

His fingers laced through her hair, “Shut up.”

“We can’t keep doing this,” she moaned against his mouth. But still she opened to him, allowing his tongue to sweep inside.

“What did you tell me?” he said roughly, sliding his other palm up the back of her shirt. She felt so warm against him in the rapidly cooling November air. He shivered, and bit at her lip gently, “What did you tell me?”

“Any terms you want,” she gasped, giving up completely. 

“I want this,” he whispered, pulling back to look at her. He stared down at her, and he knew it was wrong to use her. But she made him feel so good, and everything in his life was weighing him down. Isabella’s unhappiness. His affair with Danielle. His discontent with his job. Marlena made him happy, and at some point he was going to have to slow down, and consider that. John’s lips were touching hers when he whispered, “Kiss me again.”

She knew he was confused, and uncertain. He was conflicted about his feelings for her, and his marriage. None of it mattered. All she wanted was to make him happy. Her lips caressed his like a whisper, and all she heard was his barely audible, “Fuck.”

His whole body ached for her in an instant. One kiss, so soft he might have denied it was real if he’d closed his eyes. He was in love with her. He’d never fallen out of love with her. Closing his eyes, he pushed away everything. Everything but the woman in his arms. With a deep groan the palm of his hand slammed into the side of his vehicle, and his mouth took hers like he was starving.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And that the thing about illicit affairs

And clandestine meetings

And longing stares

It’s born from just a single glance

But it dies and it dies and it dies

… a million little times

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brady Pub

When John entered the pub, Marlena was still there, with Brady in her arms. He’d tried to wait a while, and give her the chance to collect the twins and go, before she encountered him again, but it didn’t work. The whole drive to the pub he had lifted his hand to his nose, breathing deeply of Marlena’s scent where it lingered on his fingers. He was losing his mind, and his self control. 

The bell above the door rang as he pushed it open, and Marlena glanced over from where she was sitting with Caroline. He saw the color rise to her cheeks almost immediately, and Caroline was already glancing between them with curiosity. 

Marlena had been acting oddly since she’d arrived. She was nervous, and she seemed in a rush to leave, but then Shawn had come in with a crying Brady, and suddenly Marlena was reaching for him with a smile. He looked like John, except for his light brown hair which was Isabella’s color. But Brady Black had his fathers eyes, kind eyes, and he had John’s smile. Watching Marlena hold him, had Caroline wondering what Marlena still felt for John. She knew that after Marlena’s accident, she’d completly forgotten her time with Roman. How did John feel about Marlena? She had her answer when John walked through the door of the pub. The blush in Marlena’s cheeks and the way John watched her. It was obvious. Caroline knew it would only be pain for everyone involved.

Shawn came out of the kitchen with Eric and Sami completely unaware of the tension, telling Marlena, “The homework is done. I made sure they got everything in their school bags, and they had a wonderful time at kung fu, although I’ll never be understandin’ why Sami couldn’t just do karate.”

Sami was right behind her grandfather, and she hadn’t seen John yet, as she responded, “Because my Daddy knows kung fu. He said it goes all the way back to China!”

Eric was the first to see him. His eyes got wide with joy, and he cried out, “Daddy!”

Sami looked around, and her eyes got big as she chased her brother across the pub, her white blonde hair flying high behind her, “How’d you do that? How’d you get here, when I was just talkin’ about you!”

He scooped them both up into his arms, as he whispered loudly, “Magic!”

Shawn watched the scene with a mixture of sadness and acceptance. Roman had left his children behind once more, and if John filled that role, his grandchildren were deserving of that love. They’d reverted to calling him Daddy again, and no one in the family said anything about it. It seemed that even Marlena and John had let it go as well. He listened to John’s conversation with the twins as he approached. John was asking them, “You two kept a secret from me?”

“It was a surprise,” Eric told him. “I wanted to get my black belt, and then tell you!”

John smiled widely. He didn’t have the heart to tell Eric that a black belt generally took eight to ten years. All he could feel was joy at having Sami, Eric, and Carrie back in his life. “I’ll tell you what, slugger…” John set the twins on their feet, “I’ll act surprised when you get it.”

Simultaneously, Sami yelled, “That’s not the same!” while Eric said, “Okay!”

Marlena couldn’t help but laugh. John’s relationship with her children was so special. His eyes met hers, and she mouthed, “Thank you.” When he winked at her, she had to control her physical reaction, but it didn’t matter. Caroline was watching them, and Marlena suspected that Caroline was putting the pieces together, especially when the woman’s eyes fell to her neck, and then looked away quickly. Marlena adjusted her shirt, but it was too late.

John reached for his son, allowing his fingers to brush across Marlena’s as he lifted Brady from her arms. “How’s my boy?” he asked in a soft voice. Brady pulled his fist from his mouth, and gave his father a wide grin showing all four of his teeth. A string of drool hung from his chin, and John wiped it away with Brady’s shirt, asking him, “Did you have fun?”

Caroline finally spoke up, “Thank you for letting me spend time with him. I know I’m not his grandmother, but I love having him–”

“–stop that nonsense, Caroline!” Shawn said in his booming voice. “Blood don’t make a family. That boy is our grandson, ain’t ye Brady?” He stepped close to John, tipping the baby’s chin up so he could smile at him. “He’s named after us, ye know. Plus, John’s always gonna be a Brady. He knows that. I told him as much.”

Marlena glanced at John, and she saw the light in his eyes. She said, “Shawn’s right, Caroline. John’s family… and Brady is family.”

“Pull up a chair, John,” Shawn said. “I been wantin’ to speak with ye about Marlena’s car, and she’s been fightin’ me on this, but–”

Glancing over at Marlena with a smirk, John adjusted Brady in his arms, and sat down. Giving her a sideways glance, he asked, “What’s going on with her car?”

“John!” Marlena said in exasperation. “You know perfectly well what’s wrong with my car!”

“That’s right. I do,” he said, passing Brady back into her arms as he fussed to get to her. “I’m just surprised to hear that you already knew. I believe I just found your car broken down in the hospital parking lot, and had to give you a jump.”

Shawn started to get himself worked up, “Ye, see! I told ye Marlena, and ye keep puttin it off. Ye air filter was filthy, and the battery casins’ need cleaned. That things gonna break down, and ye’ll be somewhere with the children–”

“–don’t worry, Shawn. I’ll make an appointment, and get her car into the shop tomorrow. We’ll get the oil changed, and I was looking at the tires. Those might need to be changed as well–” John saw Marlena’s mouth open to interrupt him.

“–John, stop! You can’t keep paying for everything!” she cried. “It’s not fair, and I’ll never be able to pay you back.”

“Pay me in bread,” he said as if it were nothing. 

“Bread? Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t pay you back in loaves of bread! That doesn’t even make sense.

“Sure it does. Why not, Doc?” He stared at her with a serious face, “I like your bread.”

Caroline seemed confused. When had Marlena started baking? “You make bread?”

“It’s just a hobby. Something to keep me busy,” she told her. “It’s certainly nothing to rave about, John Black. It’s bread.”

“Mommy makes this one bread that has cinnamon, and raisins in it,” Sami said loudly. “And sometimes for breakfast she toasts it with butter–”

Eric got excited, “–my favorite is the one with cheese bits inside of it. Ass–assi…assigo?” 

“Asiago cheese,” Marlena told him gently. She was surprised to hear her children raving about anything that she’d baked. There was a swell of pride in her chest. She couldn’t help it. Recently she’d been feeling a little lost. She’d considered employment options, but she didn’t seem to have a drive for anything other than psychiatry. She found comfort in learning how to cook, and more specifically baking. There was a calmness she felt when she was focused, and she had to admit that punching bread dough was rather cathartic. 

“I’m excited,” Caroline said, reaching for Marlena’s hand. “When do I get to have some of this delicious bread?”

“Mom makes bread every time we run out of it,” Sami said like she was her mother’s agent. “What kind of bread do you want? She makes all kinds.”

“Can ye make Irish soda bread?” Shawn asked her curiously. 

“I’m–I’m not sure,” she replied. I don’t think I’ve tried that one. She brightened, “But, I can find a recipe, and try.”

Shawn stood up from his chair in an excited manner, “Hold on.”

Caroline watched him almost race back into the kitchen, “He’s going to give you his Maimeó’s recipe. I can’t seem to get it right, but I’ve never been much of a baker.”

Rushing back out of the kitchen door, Shawn handed Marlena a piece of paper, “What do ye think?”

She laughed. She couldn’t help it. He was so excited, “I’ll work on it tomorrow. While the twins are at school.”

“If’n yer willin’, I might be needin’ several loaves a week, to go with the chowder, and fer sandwiches, and such,” he said. “If’n ye think ye might be interested.”

Marlena stared at him in awe, “Shawn?” She’d never considered it, but it might be fun. 

“Just think on it,” he said. “We’re family. You too, and if yer bread is as good as these three think, it’d be a favor you’re doin’ me. The soda bread I be getting fer the pub is dry, and stale within a day.”

She couldn’t help smiling, as she said softly, “Okay.”

John watched her from where she sat, a smile on her face, with  Brady’s fist curled in her hair. Sami and Eric leaned over her shoulder playing with Brady, and he felt content for the first time in weeks. 

He happened to glance over to find Caroline studying him with sad eyes, and all he could do was clear his throat. “I’ve got to get going. It’s past Brady’s bedtime.” He didn’t mention that Isabella was still staying at Victor’s, and he was going to have Brady at the loft with him for the night, but Marlena knew. As with most things in his life right then, Marlena knew it all.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And you wanna scream

Don’t call me kid

Don’t call me baby

Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me

You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse

The twin’s were asleep, and she had heard Carrie come home almost a half hour earlier. In the darkness of her bedroom, she couldn’t help replaying her encounter with John in the hospital parking lot. She was shocked at herself, and she was shocked at John. What were they thinking? It was an affair, even though they hadn’t made love – it was most definitely an affair. The stolen kisses, and soft touches. She closed her eyes, and almost moaned aloud as she remembered his touch.

John’s fingers tugged on the button of her jeans, and she grasped his wrist, stilling him, “John, stop. We can’t do this. Not in the hospital parking lot.”

He pushed her hand away, and he pulled her jeans open, pressing his palm flat against her lower abdomen. His index finger slid underneath the elastic of her panties, “I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop.”

Her head fell back against the Jeep with a thud, and she whined, “Oh, G-d” as his hand slipped lower, and he cupped her sex in his palm. A gentle squeeze, and she felt her core clench.

“Are you wet?” he asked her, dipping his middle finger into her swollen folds. She couldn’t do anything more than gasp for air, as he softly caressed her clit. “Oh, fuck, Doc… you are. You’re so fucking wet.”

She looked around frantically, knowing that in the light of day anyone could see them. But it was pitch black, except for the glare of their headlights at the front of their cars. No one could see them where they were. 

Marlena sighed, lifting her nightgown over her hips. She couldn’t stop the downward trajectory of her hand, as she slipped off her panties, and kicked them to the floor. Touching herself with a sigh, she closed her eyes again.

Her hips rocked on John’s hand, as he pushed two fingers inside her, and rubbed over her swollen clit with his thumb. “I shouldn’t be doing this,” he growled in her ear. “But I can’t stop. Why can’t I stop?”

“Because you love me,” she whispered. “You love me… and eventually, you’re going to face it.”

John’s mouth nipped at her neck, pulling at her skin. She tasted so good. She felt so good, her slick heat squeezing his hand. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine what it would feel like to push his cock into her. He wanted to, so badly, but he wouldn’t allow himself to go that far. To curb his need, he pushed his fingers even deeper, rubbing over her clit roughly.

Marlena couldn’t stop herself from audibly moaning as she remembered John’s rough touch. So many memories had come rushing back to her. Some of them real, and some of them confabulated. She knew it, but still they felt like home, and instead of pushing them away, she had embraced them, coming on John’s hand in the furthest corner of the hospital parking lot.

Pulling his hand from her blue jeans slowly, John stared down at her, lapping his tongue over his fingers. Marlena couldn’t do anything, but whisper weakly, “Oh, G-d.”

Her hips pushed against her hand, and she bit her lip as she came for the second time that day. Collapsing back onto her bed, Marlena wasn’t sure who she was anymore. She wasn’t who she used to be, and she wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. Because the woman she’d been before didn’t speak up when she’d needed to. She hadn’t been honest about her feelings. The woman she was now couldn’t let John go without a fight. Not when she knew he loved her just as much as she loved him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Don’t call me kid

Don’t call me baby

Look at this idiotic fool that you made me

You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else

And you know damn well

For you I would ruin myself

… a million little times

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Illicit Affairs – Taylor Swift

Chapter 24 – Pocket of a Clown

November 18, 1992

Isabella and John Black Loft

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Inside the pocket of a clown

Is a sad place to hang around

Just watching smiles turn into frowns

Inside the pocket of a clown

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John watched as Isabella descended the stairs after putting Brady down for his nap. She had spent four days at Victor’s house before finally returning to the loft, but things were still tense. John had broached the subject a couple times, trying to work through what had happened with Danielle the way Dr. Baker had suggested, but Isabella refused, insisting that it was over, and she wanted to move on. John didn’t feel that it was that simple. He was unhappy. There was a lot that he was unhappy about. His growing discontent as a businessman. and CEO of EcoSystems was one reason. His heart wasn’t in it. He hated suits, ties, and sock garters. Then there was Isabella’s growing insecurity. She was suffocating him. He wasn’t allowed a moment to himself without a series of questions to determine his whereabouts, and the why of every decision he made. It wasn’t simply asking where he was going, because as his wife she was entitled to that. It was the tone of her voice, and the slant of her eyes. It was the additional questions that came with it, are you going anywhere else, how long are you going to be gone… are you stopping by Marlena’s. 

He found himself getting angry and defensive, and he knew why. Isabella had a reason to be wary, and she wasn’t even fully aware of it. He’d already blurred the lines with Marlena. His encounter with Marlena on her couch, and then their time together in the hospital parking lot. Marlena was much more than a friend, but he couldn’t face it. Instead he put space and distance between them, and hoped that he would somehow be able to pull himself back emotionally. That he would somehow be able to get back to where he was before Marlena’s attack. It was unfair to expect Marlena to be the one to hold that distance between them. Which was why he hadn’t seen her in six days. He’d managed to spend time with the twins and Carrie at the pub, and avoid Marlena completely. He ached for her. He craved her. But, he wouldn’t allow himself to see her. It wasn’t working. As much as he balked at Isabella’s suspicion, he knew it was founded, because every fiber of his body ached for Marlena.

John watched her for a moment, in silence as he poured himself a cup of coffee. The nanny had been out of town for a couple of days, and Isabella had been even more watchful since she was working from home. He was beginning to feel suffocated. “When does Haley come back from vacation?”

“Monday,” Isabella replied. “I don’t mind working from home. I get extra time with Brady… and it’s nice having you here as well. Plus, Haley’s mother has been ill, so if she were here taking care of Brady, I’d worry that she’d be distracted.”

“I wanted to speak with you about something,” he said carefully. “But I haven’t been sure how to go about it. Dr. Baker says I should just be straightforward, and tell you how I’m feeling.”

Isabella stared at him warily, feeling her gut tighten, “Feel about what?”

“I’m unhappy at EcoSystems.” He took a deep breath, and waited a beat before he said, “I don’t think I’m cut out to be a businessman, Izzy-B. I know I’m good at it, and I know the business is doing well, but I’m just not happy.” He knew it wasn’t shocking. He’d tried to speak to her about it six months earlier, but she’d begged him to give it more time. Still she stared at him as if what he was saying was completely unexpected. 

“Where is this coming from, John?” She’d believed that he was doing better. He’d been settling into his job as CEO of EcoSystems. He’d seemed content, coming back from dinner meetings after making significant deals. She stared at him with sadness, “You agreed to give this a chance!”

“I have given it a chance. Six months! I’ve been trying for six months, but I’m still unhappy,” he said. “And I spoke with Abe–”

Isabella immediately knew where he was going. Her voice laced with accusation, she cried, “–you spoke with Abe? Without even telling me? You should have spoken with me first!”

“ I tried to speak with you, Isabella.” He sighed, “I spoke with Abe, because I wasn’t even sure it would work. But after speaking with the police commissioner, and going over my records, he said the commissioner agreed that I could be reinstated at my previous rank without having to go through the academy. And, after thinking about it, I think I… well, I think it would really make me happy. I was so happy when I was a cop.”

Isabella stared at him with anger in her eyes, “Don’t you understand how much this hurts? You went through all of the trouble to get the police commissioner involved without even discussing it with me. John, I’m your wife!”

“I wasn’t even sure it was possible,” he told her. “I didn’t want to even make a big deal out of it, if it boiled down to nothing.” John knew he wasn’t willing to go through the academy, and start as a rookie again. He was too old for that, but he craved detective work, and working with Abe. He craved the fast paced environment. 

“And you couldn’t open a PI business?” Isabella asked him harshly. Why was he pushing this? She’d thought six months earlier that the conversation was dropped, and here he was bringing it up again.

“I don’t want to follow husbands around for middle aged women who think their spouses are cheating! I don’t want to investigate workman’s comp claims, Izzy-B!” John felt so passionate about going back to the police force, and he wanted so badly for his wife to support that. “I want to be back down at the cop shop. I want to feel like I’m making a difference!”

“That life is over, John!” she cried loudly. “That’s what you want! You want your old life back! You want to recapture that life you had with Marlena and her children! It’s not about being a police detective, or feeling useful! You’re trying to recapture something that belongs in the past, and you need to let it go!”

“I can’t keep playing businessman, Izzy-B. I can’t,” he said firmly. “I’m dying a slow death in a suit and tie, and I’m miserable.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Inside the heartache of a fool

You’ll learn things they don’t teach in school

And lessons there can be real cruel

Inside the heartache of a fool

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dr. Whitney Baker’s Office, University Hospital

The couch in Dr. Baker’s office was comfortable, but it wasn’t as comfortable as the one in Marlena’s office used to be. John stared at the gingham pattern made up of beige, beige, and a lighter shade of beige. As a matter of fact, Dr. Baker’s whole office seemed to be made up of the most boring earth tones. He missed Marlena’s office, with her bright suits, and her pink nail polish. 

Whitney stared at John for a moment, before saying, “You’re very quiet today.”

“I’m not sure what to say, or where to start,” he replied. He could discuss the argument he’d had with his wife before driving to the hospital. He could discuss the ache in his chest that was destroying him because he hadn’t allowed himself to see Marlena for almost a week. 

“You seem upset,” she said softly. “But, even then you usually have more to say.”

“I feel trapped… stuck almost,” he told her. “As if my life is going around and around on a merry-go-round, and I can’t get off long enough to gather my thoughts. So instead I just keep spinning.”

He was upset. Softly, she said, “That’s a very vivid analogy.”

“I told Isabella about Danielle, but it just seems to have made everything worse.” John sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I deserve it I guess. I deserve the distrust, and the suspicion. But it’s gotten so bad that I’m putting things off to avoid her explosive reactions. Eric asked me to coach his PAL hockey team, and I told him I would, but I haven’t even mentioned it to Isabella, because her reaction is unpredictable. She might be excited and supportive, or she might think I’m doing it to get closer to Marlena.”

“Is coaching something you want to do?” Whitney wasn’t as familiar with John’s life when he was Roman. John rarely discussed it, but he seemed to have a light in his eyes when he spoke about it.

“I used to love coaching the twins’ sports teams. It allowed us to spend time together, and they loved having their dad for a coach. I even coached Carrie’s teams. Now Roman is gone, and Bo and I are filling that role, but Isabella seems to be jealous or possessive… maybe it’s both. She’s behaving almost as if she’s jealous for Brady, but he’s not losing time with me. I shouldn’t have waited so long to come clean about Danielle. Isabella’s insecurity is because of that… and I guess I have to understand that.” John knew Isabella’s insecurity was about more than Danielle. It was also about Marlena, but he wasn’t ready to tackle that yet. If he did, if he really and truly sat down and put thought into it, he would only have two options: leave Isabella, or leave Marlena. He couldn’t fathom either one.

Dr. Baker was concerned about John’s general affect. He seemed apathetic, even depressed. “Why do you say that?”

“I cheated,” he said without emotion. “I was unfaithful. I made an oath to Isabella before G-d and our friends, and I have to honor it. I have to earn back Isabella’s trust… somehow.”

“Maybe, we need to try and get to the root of why you might have been unfaithful to begin with,” Dr. Baker told him. “Many times when individuals are unfaithful in a relationship there is more involved than simply a physical sexual drive. Individuals who cheat often feel lost or even trapped in their relationships. They lose sight of who they are, or they feel caged. Sometimes both.”

Trapped? He immediately thought about Mexico. He’d been helpless, unsure of what to do once Isabella told him he was pregnant. He remembered his conversation with Marlena a few weeks earlier. How a simple conversation between the two of them in Mexico might have changed everything. John stared at Whitney, unsure of what to say. 

“Sometimes when people are in relationships, and they feel lost… or trapped, they self sabotage.” She watched John process what she was saying. “They might not even realize that’s what they are doing. I’m not saying for sure that’s what was happening, but you had just returned from Mexico where you’re life was in upheaval, you’d found out Isabella was pregnant, and you immediately segued into an engagement that maybe you weren’t ready for–”

“–I’m doing it again,” John interrupted. “You’re right. I feel lost, unhappy, and trapped. I’ve been getting too close to Marlena. We haven’t made love, but we’ve… gone too far.” He stood up, feeling that tightness that came in his chest when he felt his emotions running away from him. It was a panic that gripped him when he wasn’t sure what to do. That same emotion that generally caused him to break something or punch a wall when no one was looking. Dr. Baker was right. After Mexico, everything had moved so quickly. He hadn’t been ready, and he hadn’t given himself any time to process those complicated emotions. He hadn’t had time to think about the job he was losing, the family, his children… and Marlena… his wife.

Dr. Baker’s soft voice cut through his thoughts, “If you could imagine your perfect life, John, what would it be?”

“I can’t talk about that,” he said roughly. He couldn’t talk about it, but he could immediately picture it. Camping with the twins and Marlena, and Carrie… Brady on his lap. Movie nights in front of the television. Tucking the twins into bed, and watching Carrie graduate from college. He could picture it, but it wasn’t feasible. “I can’t talk about it, because it hurts too much.”

“Because it involves Marlena and her children?” she asked him gently. 

“My life with Marlena is behind me!” John told her loudly. “I can’t have that, and what about Brady? What about my son? How will my relationship with him be, if I hurt his mother by leaving her?”

Dr. Baker didn’t reply right away. She hadn’t mentioned anything about John leaving his wife, but he was thinking about it. She sighed softly, “You might also consider what type of life Brady currently has in your home. How is the tension between you and Isabella affecting him? How might it affect him in the future? It’s not always about keeping a family together, if the family is irreparably broken, John. You have to ask yourself what you want. What is best for you? What is best for your son? And what is best for Isabella?”

John turned to her with a pained expression, and whispered, “I don’t know, but it’s tearing me apart.” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Inside a memory from the past

Lives every love that didn’t last

And sweet dreams can start to fade real fast

Inside a memory from the past

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena’s Lakehouse

Marlena and Kim sat up stairs in Marlena’s office. It was obvious that Marlena was sad, and slightly stressed, but she wasn’t saying anything about it. Kim wasn’t sure how to start the session, and then she finally asked her, “How have your stress levels been? I know we talked about ways to reduce those the last time I saw you.”

“Stress,” Marlena asked with a slight laugh. “Stress comes in so many forms. Even when I shouldn’t be, I think I am. I’ve been baking a lot.”

“I can tell something is bothering you,” Kim told her softly. 

Marlena gave her a look of uncertainty. She wasn’t sure how close Kim was with Isabella, and even though everything she said was confidential, she didn’t want Kim thinking she was actively trying to end John’s marriage. She wasn’t, but she wasn’t trying to stop what was happening between them either. Her confabulation was part of her problem. It pushed her to make her feelings known, which she knew put pressure on John, but there was also this deep sense of sadness that John walked around with all of the time. She wanted to take that sadness away from him, but it was possible that she was adding to it. Quietly, Marlena lied, saying, “I worry about the twins since Roman has left, and Carrie too.”

“What else?” Kim asked her, watching Marlena closely. She was skirting the issue, and Kim knew they needed to get to the root of it.

Marlena stood up, and went to look out the window overlooking her driveway. She sighed deeply, “You’re not going to let up on this are you?”

“Something else is going on. Something more than your saying, Marlena.” Kim came to stand behind her. “You’re sad… and you’re trying to cover it up. You know if you’re experiencing some continued confusion over John, you’re not the only one. The whole family loves him, and coming to terms with the fact that he wasn’t Roman… that was hard on everyone.”

It was different though. Marlena knew it was different. She was now realizing that many of the memories she thought were her and John must have been her and Roman, even though she still didn’t recall them. Either that, or they were memories that never happened at all. Her mind had fabricated it all, because she was so desperate for what should have been, that she deleted what was.

Kim continued, “We all saw John as a friend, a son, a brother… and when Roman came back we never stopped caring for him. We couldn’t turn off our feelings. Feelings we had for years for him.”

Marlena found herself becoming increasingly uncomfortable. She hadn’t allowed herself to think about what she was feeling or the impact it might have on others. Softly she murmured, “No, of course you couldn’t.” She turned away from the window, and walked back towards the couch in the middle of the room.

“But, neither could you, Marlena,” Kim said gently, turning to follow her. “You loved him as a husband. You shared your life, your children… your love. The only difference is that we were able to deal with our feelings, but you, and Roman and John… you weren’t able to. In part because of Isabella, but you had to act like nothing happened, and then your accident happened. I think, to a certain extent, you’re still doing that. You’re still refusing to confront those feelings–”

“–no,” Marlena said softly. “Not an– not any more.”

“Not any more?” Kim asked her, sitting next to Marlena in an overstuffed chair. She leaned forward, reaching for Marlena’s hand. 

Marlena was overwhelmed, “John and I… we… we’ve discussed our feelings.”

Kim watched Marlena’s eyes, and noticed that she was avoiding eye contact, “And?”

“It was very intense,” she said, pulling her hand away. She couldn’t stand Kim’s soft touch. She felt as if she didn’t deserve it. Her love for John was slowly going to destroy him, because he felt torn. She could see that now. She was doing that to him, and she had to stop.

“Marlena, do you want to talk about this?” Kim could see that she was uncomfortable, but she sensed that it was because she was confused.

Nodding her head slowly, Marlena knew she needed to talk about it, and she had no one else in her life she could process these emotions with. “John and I have discussed our feelings… but the fact remains, that John is Isabella’s husband. That’s where he belongs, and John would never do anything to hurt Isabella. Nothing at all.”

“Wait, he’s not staying with Isabella because he doesn’t want to hurt her?” Kim asked. If that was the case, then John’s marriage would fall apart in a very painful way. Especially if he was as unhappy as Marlena currently was.

“He… he loves Isabella,” Marlena said softly.

“Then what is the issue?”

“He loves me too.” Marlena was quiet for a long time, before she finally said, “He loves me… I know he loves me.”

“Oh, Marlena,” Kim whispered, coming to sit beside her on the couch. “These painful feelings will resolve themselves in time, but until they do, things are not going to be easy. Not on any of you.” She had a strong feeling that John and Marlena had gone much further than simply discussing their emotions, but she wasn’t going to inquire. Marlena was already upset, and they could table this discussion for another day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s a real sad place to hang around

Inside the pocket of a clown

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Pocket of a Clown – Dwight Yoakam

Chapter 25 – Little Lies

November 26, 1992

Shawn and Caroline Brady’s House

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If I could turn the page

In time then I’d rearrange just a day or two

(Close my, close my, close my eyes)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella was already angry when they arrived at Shawn and Caroline Brady’s home. She hadn’t wanted to go at all, but John considered them family. She had at one time, but since Marlena’s return, that feeling was becoming more estranged. The Brady family’s love and devotion to the beautiful, intelligent, and now helpless Marlena Evans was too much for Isabella to take. She’d never hated anyone in her life, but she hated Marlena. She couldn’t tell any of that to John, but he sensed her unwillingness to spend time with her, and it was only adding to the divide between them. The problem was she couldn’t seem to do anything to stop it. Everything was changing, and as hard as she tried to grasp the strings and hold her life together, she saw it unraveling a little more every day. She wasn’t communicating. John wasn’t communicating. Instead they continued to live in the loft telling each other half truths.

John knocked on the door, and leaned over, whispering softly, “We won’t stay long, Izzy-B. We’ll say hello, and stay a half hour, but it would break their heart if I didn’t come at all.”

She sighed heavily, “I know.”

The door opened wide, and Bo had a huge smile on his face as he greeted his sister, and John. “Why are you knocking?”

John started to say, “I just figured–”

“–don’t be dumb!” Bo told them, ushering them inside. “You don’t have to knock when you’re family.”

John started to shrug out of his coat, when he heard Sami and Eric’s screams of joy. He couldn’t help it. He smiled so wide, as he knelt down, and they ran into his outstretched arms. “How are my little beasties doing?”

“Still as wild as ever,” Carrie said, approaching at a more moderate pace. John stood up with Sami and Eric in his arms, and Carrie kissed his cheek, “Hey Dad.”

“Hey Punkin’,” he said looking around. He hadn’t seen Marlena in two weeks, and he had a feeling that seeing her now would be awkward. “Where’s Marlena?”

“She’s down in the pub kitchen with Grandpa. He loved the bread… really loved it. He’s asking her about making it for the pub on a regular basis,” Carrie said with a smile.

Setting the twins on their feet, John let them run off with Shawn-D, as he asked Carrie, “It was that good?”

“Grandpa said it tastes just like his Maimeo used to make.” Carrie looked sideways at Isabella, and caught her sneer before she looked away. It upset her. Marlena was doing the best she could since the accident, and Isabella’s attitude wasn’t helping. As soon as Marlena had heard that John would be coming by with Isabella, she’d suggested to Shawn that they go down to the pub kitchen to discuss Shawn’s bread order. Carrie knew that Marlena was hoping to miss John and Isabella completely. Carrie was also smart enough to know that John had been avoiding Marlena for the last two weeks at least. Something had happened between them, but she wasn’t sure what. She watched Isabella walk over to the couch and sit down with Brady, and then she said to John, “Dad, Marlena really needs this. I think making the bread for the pub will help her feel productive. You know, she’s been really down lately.”

Glancing over at Isabella, he asked, “Is she still doing sessions with Kim?”

“You’d know if you asked her yourself,” Carrie replied with a hint of frustration. “Something happened between the two of you. Did you argue?”

“I can’t get into it,” was all he said. John was relieved when he saw Bo approaching.

“I heard from Abe that you were thinking about getting rid of the suit and tie, and rejoining the force?” 

Carrie’s eyes went wide, “Dad, really?”

Isabella immediately looked up, staring at John, but not saying anything. He knew she was watching, and he hedged, “Well, I haven’t decided yet. It was just a thought.”

“John, you were one of the best damned detectives on the force! Abe was telling me that you still have the record for solved cases!” Bo slapped John on the back companionably, completely oblivious to the look on Isabella’s face. 

But Carrie wasn’t, and she knew that’s why John was holding back. In an effort to get him to discuss it, she asked, “Do you remember that case where you chased a guy off the pier? You jumped in the river to catch him! You came home smelling like fish, and river water, and Marlena wouldn’t let you in the house.”

John grinned widely despite himself. It was one of his favorite memories. Sami and Eric were listening as Carrie talked excitedly, and he decided that he couldn’t continue to pretend his life with Marlena hadn’t happened just to spare Isabella’s feelings.

Sami got annoyed when Carrie paused, and she yelled, “What happened?”

“Yeah? I never heard this story,” Eric said.

John sat himself at the kitchen table, and pulled Sami into his lap. “I smelled like stinky fish, and your mother made me strip down to my boxers at the front door.”

He heard Marlena’s laugh before he saw her, “You left out the part where you decided to share your stench, John Black.”

“Oh, yeah!” Carrie started laughing so hard she could barely breathe, as she told Sami and Eric, “Dad said it wasn’t fair that he had to take his clothes off at the front door, and Marlena said, ‘Too bad, you smell like your father’s fish market!’” She glanced at John, and then told the twins, “That’s when Dad decided to give your mom a huge hug while he was still wearing his wet clothes!”

“So, she was smelly like fish too?” Shawn D asked, suddenly drawn into this story. “‘Cause he got her clothes all wet too?”

“I think we’re missing the point,” John said with exaggerated chagrin. “We should be focusing on the fact that I was so amazing that I was willing to chase a suspect into the river. That is how dedicated I was to my job.” His eyes met Marlena’s with a teasing glint, but then he looked away quickly. There was so much more to the story, and he knew Marlena was remembering it as well. 

Marlena remembered telling Carrie to watch the twins, and following John upstairs. She recalled the gentle tease of his fingers as he peeled her clothing from her body, and she remembered the pounding of hot water across her skin as he made love to her in the shower. Color started to rise to her cheeks, and she quickly said, “Eric? Did you tell Bo you found a coach for your hockey team?”

Eric’s eyes became wide with excitement as he yelled, “Daddy’s gonna do it!”

Isabella had watched the whole byplay between her husband and Marlena. She was smart enough to know that the story Carrie had started innocently enough, likely ended in a manner not fit for children’s ears. There had been that fleeting moment, when John’s eyes had caught Marlena’s, that Isabella had recognized what wasn’t being said, and she hated them both for it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But I couldn’t find a way

So I’ll settle for one day to believe in you

(Tell me, tell me, tell me lies)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The Drive to Victor’s House

He’d known almost as soon as his eyes met his wife’s that she was upset. He and Marlena didn’t need to finish the story. Their eyes did that for them. The blush in Marlena’s cheeks was enough. John clearing his throat awkwardly was enough. It wasn’t long afterwards that John said they needed to head to Victor’s house. It was Thanksgiving after all. But everyone who was old enough to understand knew why he was really leaving. Isabella’s sudden silence spoke volumes. Marlena disappeared back down to the pub kitchen for the scarf she’d forgotten, and John and Isabella said their goodbyes, leaving before she came back.

Isabella was crying while he put Brady in his car seat. He could hear her quiet sniffles, and immediately felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t handle another argument, but he knew that’s what was coming.

Climbing into the front seat of the Jeep, John started it without a word. What could he say? He’d lived with Marlena. He had loved her. They had a past, and stories… and it was happy. How many divorced couples ended the way they had? There was no anger or animosity between him and Marlena. There was only love, loss, and sadness. Profound sadness.

“Why do you do that to me?” Isabella cried after several moments of silence. “Why do we have to take a trip down memory lane every single time we see her?”

“I can’t pretend that part of my life didn’t happen, Izzy-B. Carrie brought it up, and the Twinners… they’ve always liked hearing stories about their mother and I. Carrie and I used to tell them stories all of the time. It wasn’t a problem before. I’m sorry it hurt you… but it’s bound to happen occasionally.”

“It wasn’t a problem before?” she asked. “You mean when she was dead? I didn’t have to compete with a dead woman, John!”

John didn’t respond. His fingers tightened on the steering wheel, and he kept his eyes on the road. Who was right and who was wrong in this instance. Maybe they were both right… and they were both wrong.

“And I suppose Marlena just had to interject her part, is that it?” Isabella said with rising anger. “She could have left it where it was… she didn’t need to add anything!”

“I can’t pretend I wasn’t married to her. I can’t act like Marlena and I didn’t share a life together, or that I didn’t love her. I’m not trying to hurt you,” he replied helplessly. 

Wiping her eyes furiously, she said, “I saw you when we got there. I saw you looking for her. You think I’m so dumb, John! You treat me like I’m stupid!”

Brady started to cry in the back seat, and John thought about what Dr. Baker had said to him, You might also consider what type of life Brady currently has in your home. How is the tension between you and Isabella affecting him? How might it affect him in the future? “Isabella, I don’t want to fight in front of Brady,” he said softly.

“I’m just supposed to keep this bottled up?” she cried. “You practically fuck her with your eyes, and I’m supposed to say nothing?”

Brady’s cries grew louder, and John said calmly, “We can discuss this when we get to Victor’s, but not right now. Not with Brady in the car. Do you understand?”

“What were the two of you talking about before we left?” she asked, picturing the two of them standing near the front door.

In exasperation John said, “Bread! We were talking about her bread! Shawn wants her to start making the Irish soda bread for the pub. Izzy-B… you have got to stop this. I can’t pretend my life with her never happened. I can’t. I loved her once–”

“–do you love her still?” she asked him. But she immediately regretted asking. Besides, she already knew the answer. The question was, what was she going to do with that knowledge?

“Izzy-B,” he said carefully.

Isabella faced the window, watching the white median line blur past. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Although I’m not making plans

I hope that you understand there’s a reason why

(Close your, close your, close your eyes)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella and John’s Loft

It was well past one o’clock in the morning when John descended the stairs to the kitchen. Brady’s first Thanksgiving had been a tense affair, and it had not gone unnoticed by Victor. The ride home had been done in silence, and after Brady was asleep, John had tried to speak with Isabella, but by then, she wanted none of it. 

He stared at the telephone. He wanted to call her. Marlena. He couldn’t sleep, and all he kept thinking about was the sadness in her eyes when she said, I think I left my scarf downstairs. She’d practically fled the room. The rest of his evening had been him trying to get through Thanksgiving dinner while worrying about Marlena. 

Lifting the receiver, he didn’t even allow himself time to change his mind. He dialed her number and listened as it rang several times. It was too late. He shouldn’t be calling, but just as he was about to hang up, he heard her sleep laden voice, “Hello?”

“Doc,” he said softly. “I’m sorry to call so late… I just… that look in your eyes today. G-d, it’s breaking my heart.”

“I’m fine,” she told him quietly. He didn’t need to know that she’d cried herself to sleep only hours before his call. Staying away from him was the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life. Giving him up might actually break her. “I am. I–I understand why Isabella was angry… I didn’t mean to upset her. I came upstairs, and I heard you talking about that day… and I–I remember it with such joy. We were so happy then… I didn’t consider the effect it might have on her. I’ve been trying to give you the space you need. To focus on your marriage, and your son.”

“You shouldn’t have to pretend that we didn’t have good times,” he said in a choked voice. “I don’t want to forget.”

“We won’t forget,” she told him, wiping the tears from her face. “We just can’t… we can’t–”

“–I know.” He was quiet for a moment, listening to the soft sound of Marlena’s breathing. Unsure of what to say, but unwilling to get off the phone, he asked her, “How was dinner?”

Marlena smiled, scooting up in her bed, to rest against the headboard. “It was nice. Eric couldn’t stop talking about you being his hockey coach. I think Sami’s a little jealous.”

“I was worried that she might be. Does she have any sports coming up?”

Marlena whispered, “Softball in the spring.” 

Her voice sounded like a caress on his battered heart. John smiled, settling into his couch, “I used to coach Carrie’s softball team.”

“I think she would like that. If you have the time.” She glanced at her clock. She could imagine Isabella asleep, while John whispered into the phone downstairs. They shouldn’t be sneaking around to have conversations in the middle of the night.

“Are you really okay, Doc?” 

“I’m fine.”

“I feel like you’re lying.”

“Do you ever wonder what our lives might be like if Orpheus had never taken me?” she asked. “If Orpheus had never given me over to Stefano?”

He was silent for a long time, and then he told her, “All of the time, Doc. I wonder what our lives might have been like if Roman hadn’t come home… if we’d had that conversation we needed to have in Mexico. All of the time, Doc.”

She wanted to tell him that she loved him. She wanted him to know what the sound of his voice meant to her. Instead she said, “We can’t see each other for a while. You need to focus on your family, and that won’t happen if you’re calling me at one o’clock in the morning. If this is going to work, John… you can’t call me… and I can’t call you.”

“I needed to hear your voice, Doc. That’s all,” he whispered. He wanted to laugh out loud. He was lying to himself. He was always lying to himself. “I just needed to hear–”

“–I have to let you go. I have to give you the chance to see if your marriage to Isabella can work.” Marlena was quiet for a moment, “You can’t do that if I’m begging you to remember our love. I have to stop doing that.”

“I could never forget our love,” he said softly.

“Just one more thing… before I hang up…” she asked, “I have to know… do you remember what happened after we went upstairs that night?”

John’s chest tightened, and the muscles in his abdomen rolled. She was talking about the day he’d jumped in the river. Fuck. In a choked voice, he said, “I remember.”

“I remember too,” she said so softly he could barely hear her. Her heart broke a little more as she said, “Goodnight, John.”

John held the telephone to his ear long after the dial tone came over the line. He was frozen, with hot tears leaking from his eyes. He wanted to scream, and rage. He wanted to break something. Anything. He wanted so many things. He thought about his wife upstairs, and he wiped his face with his t-shirt. Pulling it over his head, he wiped his nose, and balled it up in his fist. He had to focus on his family. Marlena was letting him go, he owed it to her to see if he could make it work. Otherwise what was Marlena’s sacrifice even for? The problem was, somewhere deep in his soul… he knew he was going to fail. He would be drawn back to Marlena, and he would destroy his family in the process.

Marlena lay in her bed for another hour hating herself with every minute that passed. She was a hypocrite. One moment she was telling him to focus on his family, and to focus on his wife, and then right before hanging up she pulled him right back in. She was a horrible person. If she was Isabella, she would hate her too. She deserved it, because all she wanted was John, and if his family was destroyed in the process she wasn’t sure she’d feel much guilt. What kind of person did that make her? She had to let him go. She rolled onto her side, and felt the tears soaking her pillow beneath her cheek. She was falling apart, and she had to find a way to put herself back together.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh no, no, you can’t disguise

(You can’t disguise)

No, you can’t disguise

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Tell me lies, tell me lies

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Little Lies – Fleetwood Mac

Chapter 26 – Here You Come Again

December 5, 1992

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Here you come again

Just when I’ve begun to get myself together

You waltz right in the door

Just like you’ve done before

And wrap my heart ‘round your little finger

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John’s feet slammed against the pavement as he pushed his way through the Emergency Room entrance at Salem University Hospital. Eric hung onto him tightly, crying softly against his neck, and John whispered, “I’m with you. Daddy’s got you. It’s going to be okay.”

“Daddy, it hurts,” Eric sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

“Not your fault buddy. It was mine.” John glanced around frantically, making eye contact with the first nurse he saw, “His ankle is broken! I need a doctor.” He followed the nurse into a vacant cubicle, and laid Eric down gently on the wheeled bed, brushing the boy’s blonde hair back from his forehead. Despite the cold air outside his hair was saturated with sweat, and John knew Eric’s blood pressure would be high. He couldn’t blame him. It didn’t matter that he’d told Eric repeatedly that he couldn’t get on the ice unless he’d checked his skates. John still held himself accountable.

Glancing at Eric kindly the nurse said, “My name is Maria. I’m going to be making sure we take care of your ankle, okay? What’s your name?”

“Er–Eric B–Brady,” he said with his teeth chattering. “My name is Eric Brady.”

Maria smiled, “Well, Eric, I’m going to have to check your blood pressure, and take your temperature. Is that okay? Let’s get a blanket on you, and then I’ll have the doctor come take a look, and we might need to take some pictures of your bones.”

Eric nodded at her, but said nothing in response. He continued to shiver, and John wasn’t sure if it was from the run through the cold, or shock setting in. 

Glancing at John, he whispered, “I’m sorry, Daddy.” Eric watched as the nurse attach a blood pressure cuff to his small arm, and then he told John, his voice shaking with dry heaves, “My foot was it–itchy, and I–I took my s–skate off. I didn’t h–have you check it…and–and…”

“We’ll talk about it later, slugger. We’re not going to worry about it now,” John told him. He was beating himself up inside. He’d seen Eric sitting in the bleachers messing with his skates, but there were other players around him, and he should have paid closer attention. Eric was eight years old. He was the adult. Just because John had told him something, didn’t mean Eric would always listen. “We’re going to get this ankle looked at, and I’m going to make sure that you get the care you need. Okay?”

Eric heard what John was saying, but he was caught up in his pain, and the fact that he didn’t listen. “I didn’t tie them tight enough,” Eric continued to cry. His ankle was throbbing every time his heart beat. Suddenly sharp pains stabbed their way up his leg, and he screeched, reaching for John, “Daddy!”

“I’ll have the doctor come in, but Eric is going to need x-rays. I’ll be back with some paperwork,” she said. “You’ll need to sign consent for treatment.”

“I need to call his mother,” John told her. He couldn’t sign paperwork for Eric, and he hadn’t had a chance to even tell Marlena what was happening. 

“Aren’t you his father?” she asked, feeling slightly confused. Eric was calling him Daddy.

“It’s complicated,” John told her. Leaning down, he tipped Eric’s face up to his, “I need to go, and call your mama. Can you be a brave little man for me, and stay here for a few minutes? I’ll be right back. I promise.”

“No, Daddy! No! Call her here,” he said sobbing, holding onto John’s arm in a panicked manner. “Please! Don’t leave me!”

The nurse watched the whole interaction with curious eyes. It was an odd situation, but she said calmly, “I can bring you a cordless phone.”

John smiled reassuringly at Eric, wiping tears from his swollen face, “You see that? She’s going to bring me a cordless phone. I can stay right here with you.” John watched her leave the room, and pulled a rolling stool over to Eric’s bedside. A few moments later, he sighed with relief to see Dr. Horton enter the cubicle. 

“I heard Eric got himself into a bit of trouble,” Tom said. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s broken, Tom.” John glanced down at Eric’s swelling ankle. “He twisted it during hockey practice, and I’m pretty sure his laces were too loose.”

Eric started crying again, “I’m sorry!”

“Hey,” John said softly. “Stop that… it was an honest mistake. It’s no one’s fault. You hear me?” But inside John was blaming himself.

“Well, young man, it’s your lucky day when your favorite neighbor, and Chief of Staff decides to pull a shift in the Emergency Room,” Tom said teasingly. “You get extra treats.” Eric stared at him, wiping his teary eyes. Tom smiled, “How about a popsicle while we wait for the nurse to take you up to x-ray?”

“The nurse was saying Marlena had to sign some consent forms,” John hedged.

Tom winked at him, “We’ll just assume that will be forthcoming.” He turned to Eric, “Now, young man, what’s your favorite popsicle flavor?”

Eric gave Tom a small smile, “Grape.”

The nurse returned, handing John the telephone. Smiling at Eric, she asked him, “Are you ready for an adventure?”

Even as much as his ankle hurt, Eric nodded his head yes.

“Good, because it’s not everyday that you get pushed around the hospital in a bed,” she laughed. 

John gave Eric a kiss, and whispered, “I’m going to call your Mom. I’ll be waiting for you right here.”

Eric reached his small hand out, holding onto his Daddy’s arm, “You promise?”

“I promise,” John said, kissing Eric on his sweaty forehead. “I’ll be right here.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here you come again

Just when I’m about to make it work without you

You look into my eyes

And lie those pretty lies

And pretty soon, I’m wonderin’ how I came to doubt you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Eric wasn’t yet back from x-rays when Marlena arrived. John heard her soft voice outside the cubicle, and stood up just as she pulled the curtain wide looking around for her son. She was worried. Lines were etched at the corner of her eyes, and he watched the tension leave her body as she sighed with relief when she saw him. “He’s still getting x-rays,” he said softly. 

Marlena knew that John was blaming himself. She’d heard it in his voice over the telephone, and seeing the self loathing in his eyes right then confirmed it. She rushed forward, cupping John’s face in her hands, “This is not your fault. It was an accident.”

“An accident that I could have prevented if I was paying attention,” he said. “Doc, he’s eight! I should have double checked! I saw him in the bleachers tugging at his laces, and I assumed it was because I tied them so tight. I didn’t realize he’d taken the skate off because his foot was itching!”

“John, honey, accidents happen. That’s all they are. They happen so fast we find ourselves confused and scared, but there’s nothing we could change to prevent them.” She wiped John’s nose with the back of her hand, “Please stop blaming yourself.”

John whispered, “I keep thinking of that time Carrie ran from the house–”

“–Carrie’s accident was not the same,” Marlena said, making sure that John looked at her. “This is not the same.”

Maria returned with Eric, popsicle in hand. Her brown curls were escaping her chignon, which only added to her youthfulness. “Sorry it took so long, but I don’t think Eric here minded at all since this is his third popsicle. Dr. Horton ordered a CT scan too, so it took a little longer.”

He stared at John with sticky purple residue around his mouth, and gave him a wide grin. “I didn’t know they give you popsicles at the hospital!”

Marlena stared at Eric in surprise. He seemed to be taking his situation well. “How are you feeling?”

“It hurts. It hurt real bad at first, and I cried a lot, but Daddy put me in the car fast, and we came here.” Eric looked at John as if he hung the moon, and then told his mother, “He said he was faster than calling an ambwuwance… ambleewence… amblueince…”

She couldn’t help her laugh. A broken ankle they could handle. Eric was safe, and in relatively good humor. She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him gently. Stroking her fingers over his face, she said, “I think you might be out for the rest of hockey season.”

“That’s okay,” Eric told her, licking grape popsicle off of his fingers. “Daddy said if it’s broken, I could be assistant-assistant coach, and he’d still bring me to practices. He promised.”

Marlena gave John a sideways look, and he shrugged his shoulders, “I need an assistant-assistant coach. Someone to watch from the bleachers, and tell me how things look.”

Eric smiled proudly, “And I can do that!”

Maria smiled as she affixed the blood pressure cuff to Eric’s arm, and said, “Another squeeze little guy.”

Eric fell back against the pillow behind him with childlike drama groaning, “Ugh! All this squeezing!”

The curtain to the cubicle opened, and Tom noticed the addition of Marlena. “Someone is popular today!” Eric smiled widely. Glancing at John and Marlena he said, “Can I speak with you outside?”

Kissing Eric’s forehead, Marlena whispered, “Don’t give the nurse a hard time.”

“And don’t run away,” John teased, following Marlena out.

Tom knew the news wasn’t great, but it was fixable, and that was what mattered. Taking a deep breath he said, “Eric has some torn ligaments that are going to need to be repaired–”

“–so surgery?” Marlena asked him. 

“Yes. We’ve to repair them, and set the bone. I’d like to get him into surgery as soon as possible, just to get the healing process on the right path.” Tom watched Marlena share a look with John, and then she nodded at him. He knew that the past year had been more than any one person should have to deal with, but having John’s support was what had gotten her through. 

John threaded his fingers through Marlena’s, and she said, “Yes. Yes, I trust you.”

Tom laughed casually, “Well, it won’t be me, you see–”

“–Hello, Marlena.” 

Marlena’s eye’s went wide with joy, as she exclaimed, “Mike Horton! Are you back?”

“I’m back, and ready for business,” he said with a teasing glint in his eyes. He reached out for her, pulling her against him for a big hug, and Marlena let out a loud laugh. He looked the same – shaggy brown hair and laughing eyes.

John immediately felt unsettled. Not that he had a right to feel unsettled. Logically he knew that, but even still, he watched Mike step back, and sweep his eyes appreciatively over Marlena, and John felt his gut boil when he watched the other man wink at her. He’d been so relieved when Marcus had stopped spending as much time with her, and now this. Trying to stay focused on Eric, John asked, “So, you’ll be doing Eric’s surgery?”

“I will,” Mike replied with another wide smile. “I’ve already looked at the CT scan, and the x-rays look straight forward. “He has at least grade two tears on his calcaneofibular and anterior talofibular ligaments. Likely from his ankle rolling as he fell. I’m going to set the bone, and repair the tears, although, as you know Marlena, we won’t be able to cast it until at least a week from now to account for swelling.”

“I understand,” she said. “I–I need to call Caroline, and let her know that I won’t be able to pick up Sami.”

“I’ll call her, Doc. You stay with Eric, and I can give Caroline a call from the nurses desk,” he told her softly.

Marlena reached out, catching John’s hand before he walked away, “Thank you.”

Without thinking, he leaned forward, kissing her softly on the cheek, “I’ll be right back.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All you got to do is smile that smile

And there go all my defenses

Just leave it up to you, and in a little while

You’re messin’ up my mind and fillin’ up my senses

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse

The fire was roaring in the fireplace out on the porch when Marlena made her way downstairs. She noticed that he had pulled the folding glass walls around the outside. She hadn’t bothered with them before, but she realized that it created a cozy area that seemed well insulated. “You, know, Doc,” he said kneeling before the fireplace, “this space is usable year round, if you close the walls. They’re double insulated, and it will allow for another space to spread out with the kids.”

“I wasn’t sure how to do it, and I didn’t want to bother you,” she said sheepishly. “It wasn’t a big deal.” But even as she said it, she sank into the nearby sofa, and glanced around the room. It was nice, and she could see the lake clearly. John was watching her, and she said, “Thank you.”

He continued to stare at her for a moment, and then stood up, wiping his hands on his pants, “Did you want me to run to the pub, and pick up Sami?”

“No. I spoke with Caroline when I was upstairs.” Marlena yawned, and reached back to pull the blanket behind her over her legs. “She’s going to keep Sami tonight. It’s the weekend and Eric will be waking up throughout the night. Sami has boundless energy, and I just wasn’t sure I could handle it.”

John’s stomach growled loudly, and he asked her, “What have you got to eat?”

“I made some chicken pot pie yesterday. There should be some left, but if you’re heating up food for yourself, the requirement is that you heat me up some as well,” she said with a yawn.

“Chicken pot pie?” he asked with an arch to his eyebrow. He couldn’t get his brain right as he stared at her for a moment.

“Yes, John Black. Chicken pot pie,” she replied. “And before you ask, no it wasn’t frozen. I made it from scratch.”

With a quick laugh, his fingers brushed over her hair as he walked behind her, “Now I’m intrigued. I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

“Oh, and grab that bottle of wine in the refrigerator, will you?” she asked. Her head fell back against the cushion as she moaned, “Today has been a red wine kind of day.”

And it had been. For both of them. Eric’s surgery took nearly three hours. In that time John had fielded phone calls from family, tried to grapple with his own sense of responsibility, and he had managed to have an argument with Isabella in the hospital parking lot. He hadn’t even mentioned it to Marlena.

“Well, his mother is here now!” Isabella said furiously. “Kim could come, or maybe Bo, but you don’t have to be here anymore! You don’t have to stay here to support her, when you have a wife!”

“He’s my son!” John told her. “I’m not leaving him!”

“He’s not your son, John! He’s Roman’s son,” Isabella cried. “Why won’t you let him go?”

John stared at her in shock, “At one point you loved those kids, Izzy-B. You were willing to marry me, and step in to be their mother. I don’t understand this turnaround. I don’t understand it at all.”

“Roman came home,” she said quietly. She felt shame wash through her, as she glanced away. “Marlena came home. Sami, Eric, and Carrie are their children. You aren’t their father.”

He tipped his head, forcing Isabella to look at him, “I will always be their father. They call me Daddy. I’m not giving that up.”

“Not even for me, and Brady?” Isabella asked. 

“You would really ask me to do that?” He stared at her incredulously. “Would you do that to Sami and Eric? I am the only father they know! They adore you. They adore you, Isabella! Can you give up on them so easily?”

“I think,” she said softly. “That I would like you to focus on our family.”

John was quiet for a long time. Finally he said, “We’ll talk about this when I get home, but I will not leave my son. I can love them, and love Brady too. It’s not a competition. But right now, Brady is safe, and he’s taken care of. Eric is in surgery, and as much as this bothers you, Marlena needs someone… and it’s going to be me.”

The microwave beeped long and loud, pulling John from his reverie. He glanced at the clock, and noticed it was past nine o’clock. Rolling his shoulders, he tipped his head from side to side, listening to the crack in his bones. Taking a tray from the kitchen island, he placed two bowls of chicken pot pie, two wine glasses, and a bottle of red wine on it. He’d have to find a way to work this out with Isabella, but he wouldn’t traumatize the children yet again by dropping out of their lives. He wouldn’t do it. 

He walked quietly through the house, and when he stepped onto the porch, he saw that Marlena was asleep. He set the tray on the coffee table, and kneeled next to her. She was beautiful. Tracing his fingers softly across her cheek, he whispered, “Hey pretty lady. Wake up, and eat some food for me. Then you can go to bed.”

Her eyes fluttered, and she smiled at him. John reached out, taking her small hand in his, and she sat up reaching for her bowl, “Thank you. For everything… for the whole day actually. You were an amazing support system.”

John rubbed his thumb over the top of her hand gently, and thought about his argument with Isabella. He smiled at her, saying softly, “I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here you come again

Lookin’ better than a body has a right to

And shakin’ me up so

That all I really know

Is here you come again

And here I go

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella and John Black Loft

John rolled over and stared at the digital clock beside the bed. He couldn’t sleep. It had been evading him for hours. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he rubbed his hands roughly over his face. He wasn’t going to be able to sleep until he checked on Eric, but he was afraid to wake up Marlena. He grabbed his robe, shrugging into it, as he walked down the hallway and descended the stairs quietly. He wouldn’t sleep until he heard Marlena’s voice. He wouldn’t sleep until she said that Eric was doing well. Picking up the telephone, he dialed her number without even looking at the keypad. Upstairs, Isabella picked up the telephone, and covered it with her hand.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All you got to do is smile that smile

And there go all my defenses

Just leave it up to you, and in a little while

You’re messin up my mind and fillin’ up my senses

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey, Doc,” John said in a voice that echoed with exhaustion. “I’m sorry to call so late, but I can’t sleep, and I’m worried about Eric.”

Marlena curled up in the overstuffed chair near her bedroom window, and watched the moonlight flicker over the lake. “I just checked on him, and gave him his next dose of pain medicine. He should sleep for the rest of the night.”

“You should try to get some sleep too,” he said softly. “It was a long day.”

Marlena chuckled lightly, “You too. You know, John… I told you thank you earlier, but I feel like I need to say it again. I’m not sure I could have made it through the day without you there. I needed someone with me that loves Eric as much as I do. I know that I could have had Kim or Bo… even Kayla, or Shawn, or Caroline, but Eric loves you so much. He considers you his father–”

“– I am his father, Doc. Even if Roman comes back, I will never allow anyone or anything to come between that relationship. I’ve been their father since they were a year and a half old. I changed their diapers, I took care of them when they were sick with chicken pox and the flu. I bandaged their knees, and broke up their fights. Fuck, I even played Barbies. Barbies, Doc! I presided over Barbie’s wedding to G.I. Joe. I am their father, and you are their mother.” He was silent for a beat, and then said, “You needed me today, and I needed to be there, so thanking me is unnecessary.”

“You are my best friend.” She wiped a tear from her cheek, and she said, “You will always be my best friend. No matter what… and I’m sorry that Isabella is struggling with this… connection we have. I’m sorry for that.”

John sighed, not realizing that his wife was listening upstairs, and he whispered, “I have to find a way to make my marriage work, while still being in love with you.”

“We’ll continue to do what we’ve been doing,” she told him. “We’ll keep space… and we’ll enforce boundaries. Maybe, Kim is right. Maybe with time these feelings will fade.”

He closed his eyes, and pictured Marlena asleep on the couch earlier, “I wanted to kiss you tonight. You’d fallen asleep on the couch, and your lips were slack–”

“–goodnight, John,” Marlena said quickly, wiping the tears as they fell from her eyes. “I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know how Eric’s doing.” She cut him off to protect her own emotions as much as his. If they were going to do this, they needed to draw a thick line, and never cross it again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here you come again

Lookin’ better than a body has a right to

And shakin’ me up so

That all I really know

Is here you come again

And here I go

Here I go

And here I go…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Here You Come Again – Dolly Parton

Chapter 27 – Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

December 25, 1992

Marlena’s Lakehouse

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be bright

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena opened her front door looking a little frazzled, as most mothers did on Christmas morning. Sami had been begging her to open presents, but Marlena refused until Eric was dressed, and downstairs with his sister. Then there was the problem of getting Carrie out of bed. Sami kept saying it wasn’t fair, and Carrie was so deeply rooted in sleep that Marlena didn’t think anything was going to reach her. Grabbing John’s arm in relief, she pulled him into her house. Assuming he was willing to help her, she asked, “Oh, thank G-d you’re here! Do you want to wake Carrie, or get Eric dressed and carry him downstairs?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know,” he said, rubbing his chin. John set his bag of gifts on the floor just inside the mudroom. Shrugging out of his dense coat, he mumbled, “Let me see… wake the beast or get Eric ready? I believe, my dear Dr. Evans, that I will get Eric. Carrie can be scary early in the morning. Any particular outfit he’s wearing today?”

Marlena wrenched her hairband out of her messy hair, and struggled to put it back up as she huffed, “He’s insisting on wearing the NHL All-Star jersey you got him. You know, the one with Daren Puppa on it?”

John stepped behind her, taking her hairband from her fingers, while swatting her hands away from her hair. Smoothing it out by raking his fingers through it, he told her, “I know the one. So no fancy suits for Christmas at the pub?”

His fingers played in the strands of her hair for much longer than it would take to give her a simple ponytail, but neither of them mentioned it. Marlena’s eyes closed briefly, and she found herself getting lost in the moment, before her mind tugged her back to reality with a harsh snap. John finished fixing her hair, and she stepped away quickly. “Thank you. That’s much better.” She glanced towards the stairs, “I sent Sami to get dressed hoping to stall her. Nothing fancy, today is going to be casual and fun and light. Roman’s absence will not put a pall on this day. Are you coming to the pub today?”

“I might stop by,” he told her without committing. He would be alone, since Isabella would likely refuse to go with him. “Let me go get the Twinners! You get Carrie. I brought gifts!”

Twenty minutes later a groggy Carrie was curled into an overstuffed chair watching with sleep glazed eyes as Sami and Eric opened John’s gifts with screeches of joy. 

Eric almost fell off of the couch as he yelled, “You got me a Super Nintendo?” Realizing there was a game taped to it, he screamed even louder, “Zelda? You got me Zelda? Thank you Daddy!”

Sami sat on the floor with her gift half unwrapped, and her eyes full of tears. It was exactly what she wanted to take Barbie and Midge on adventures. “Daddy, you remembered?”

Marlena had no idea what was going on between John and Sami, when John said, “Peanut, of course I remembered. How else are Barbie and Midge going to go on their best friend adventures?” 

Sami’s small hands ripped the rest of the wrapping paper off, and she stared at the box containing her Barbie’s Golden Dream Motorhome. Her face glowed when she looked up at John, “Barbie adventures, and they can leave Ken behind, because they don’t need him!”

Sami’s words were so unexpected that Carrie snorted instead of laughing, causing Marlena and John to laugh while Carrie’s cheeks turned a vivid shade of pink. John pulled an envelope from his pocket, and walked towards Carrie, “I didn’t forget you Punkin’.”

Sitting up straighter, she reached for the envelope, opening it slowly. Staring at the slips of cardstock that fell into her hands, she glanced up at John, and whispered, “Daddy, are you serious?”

“For you, and a friend,” he said, kneeling down in front of her. “You’ll be nineteen in March, and the concert isn’t until September. I know you love Pearl Jam, and they had other dates which were sooner, but their September show has Blind Melon opening for them–”

She barely heard his words. Tears filled her eyes, and she fell forward into John’s arms, “Dad! It’s the best gift ever!”

His hand rubbed over her back gently, and he said, “Maybe you and Jaimie can go? We can look at plane tickets and everything when it gets closer to September. What do you think?”

“I just… I can’t believe you did this!” she said in awe. John had always been so good to her. 

“I listen,” he told her. “I listen to all of you, and I wanted… I wanted you to know that. That I hear you when you speak, and I know everything I can about each of you. All three of you… you guys are my kids.”

Carrie buried her face in John’s neck whispering, “I love you… I love you so much!”

“I’m going to go get dressed really quickly,” Marlena said softly. “Can you two watch the twins?”

“We’re eight now, Mom, we don’t need a babysitter if you’re upstairs,” Sami squealed, as she struggled to open the box containing her Barbie motorhome.

“Yes, you do,” Carrie interjected. “Don’t you remember what you did last week?”

“That was an accident!” Sami cried loudly. “I didn’t think the stool would fall over!”

“And that, is why someone needs to keep an eye on you, Samantha Gene,” Marlena laughed, walking towards the stairs.

John watched Marlena ascend the stairs, and he said to Carrie, “Do you mind? I need to speak with Marlena privately.”

Carrie waved him off in typical teenage fashion, and said to Eric excitedly, “Do you want to hook the Nintendo up to the television?”

Upstairs John knocked on Marlena’s bedroom door, and realized it was already ajar. “Doc?” he asked, pushing the door open slightly. “Hey, Doc?” Still no answer. Stepping inside the room, he said more loudly, “Doc? You in here?” 

He saw her clothes laid out on the end of her bed. Leave. But he didn’t. He stood rooted in the middle of the room, staring at the bathroom door which wasn’t closed all of the way. His eyes were riveted on the three inch gap, where he could see Marlena’s naked body reflected in the mirror of her vanity. He could see clearly the vivid scar, still purple and new, that ran up the middle of her abdomen. His eyes went lower, and he quickly looked away. His gut fluttered, and he took a step closer, allowing his eyes to focus on her as she brushed her vigorously. Her breasts lifted, their soft roundness swaying with her movement. 

Marlena leaned forward, reaching for her dusky pink strapless bra, and she caught movement in her periphery. Glancing up, her eyes found John’s intense indigo stare riveted on her naked body. Her throat went dry, and she found herself trying to decide if she should allow him to stare, or if she should rush to cover herself. She continued to get ready as if John weren’t watching her every move. Her fingers changed direction as she lifted her satin and lace panties off the vanity, and she bent over sliding first one leg and then the other into them. She gave her hips a wiggle as she pulled them over her bottom and adjusted them low on her hips. She knew that her breasts swayed with her movements, and she knew that John was still watching. Then reached for the matching bra.

He couldn’t breathe. She knew he was watching her. She was teasing him. She wanted his eyes on her, if the current show was any indication. Their eyes caught in the mirror again, and Marlena’s hands reached behind her fastening her strapless bra in place. Her makeup was so lightly done, a brush of mascara, and a swipe of pale pink gloss. She was fucking gorgeous. He took a deep breath as she finished up, pushing her soft blonde hair back over her shoulder, and pulled the door wide, staring at him with dark eyes. 

Walking by him in her lacy underclothes, she said softly, “You shouldn’t be up here.”

One hand held her Christmas gift, and the other clenched with the force it took to keep himself from reaching for her, “I wanted to give you your gift in privacy. I didn’t realize that I’d catch you…”

She stepped closer, refusing to put her clothes on right away. “And yet you didn’t leave. You stood there, and you watched me in my most intimate moments.”

“I couldn’t leave,” he said roughly. He reached out, tracing over her scar, and he watched her shiver with his touch, causing him to pull his hand back quickly.

She reached for her jeans, trying to act as if John’s presence didn’t bother her, when she already knew her center was swelling, and she could feel an ache. “I didn’t want you to.”

“Doc,” he groaned, swallowing thickly. What else was there to say? The line was drawn, they had to stay on their respective sides. Instead he watched Marlena pull her fitted jeans over her hips, and he stared at her delicate fingers as she fastened the button over her soft skin. His eyes followed every single move she made when her arms lifted, and she allowed the soft beige and gold woven sweater to slip over her head.

Marlena heard John’s soft groan, but she didn’t say anything. Settling her sweater around her shoulders, she walked towards the full length mirror, asking him, “Do you think this will be okay for dinner?”

John tossed her gift into the end of her bed, and walked towards her, standing behind her. His fingers traced down the column along the side of her neck, and over the curve of her shoulder. “You look beautiful.”

They stared at each other for several seconds in the mirror, and then Marlena turned quickly, stepping back towards the bed. “You said you have a gift for me?”

“I do,” he said softly.

“I have a gift for you too,” she told him. “Let me grab it.” 

He couldn’t help but smile as she excitedly crossed the room, pulling open a drawer on her bedside table. She hurried back towards him, handing him a box excitedly. John held it in his hands, wondering if he should open it, “May I?”

“Please,” she said with a shy smile. Marlena loved gifts. She loved giving them, and she loved receiving them. The gift she’d gotten John was probably too personal. She’d realized that after she’d already ordered it. 

John opened the box, and stared down at a beautiful gold watch, “Wow…”. Tossing the rest of the box on the end of her bed, he whispered again, “Wow…”

“That was my way of saying thank you for saving my life… for giving me back my life. I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me… and for the children.” She stared up at him, watching the way he stared at the watch in his hand. With her voice choked with emotion, she whispered, “Merry Christmas.”

John’s fingers shook as he ran them over the gold band, “This is really fine–”

“–wait, wait, wait,” she said excitedly. “There’s a… an inscription on the back.”

He turned it over, and he felt himself tremble as he read, “To J.B. for giving me time. M.” He couldn’t help the smile that came over his face. He couldn’t help how much he loved her.

Marlena touched his arm softly, “You gave me time. With my children… my family… and you.”

He wanted to pull her into his arms, and tell her how much it meant, but he couldn’t. His voice shook, as he smiled down at her, “Help me put it on?”

“Sure, sure,” she said, helping him fasten the clasp. His skin was warm under her fingers, and when she glanced up she found him watching her. When she finished, she brushed her hand over the gold band, “There.”

John was losing control. He blinked his eyes several times before he said in a lighthearted manner, “Santa did not forget you either, little girl.” He stopped moving as he was reaching for her gift. Little girl. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that.”

Little girl. Marlena’s body ached. How many times had he said that to her just before his palm slapped over the tender flesh of her backside? Her core clenched, and she whispered, “I understand. It was an accident.”

He handed her the box containing her gift, “Merry Christmas.” Marlena reached for it excitedly, and John said, “That’s right. Just rip into it.”

“Go, go, go,” Marlena laughed, tearing at the paper, and tossing it to the side. Inside was a beautiful charm bracelet, and Marlena knew immediately that he had handpicked each one. “Oh, John… what beautiful, beautiful charms.”

“Ah, not just charms, those are good luck charms,” he said, allowing himself to run his palm over her bare shoulder. “Now, look closely,” he told her, allowing himself to stand just behind her, pointing at the first ones. “These two little stones are for the Twinner’s. We have opals for Sami and Eric.”

Marlena gasped softly, “Oh, their birthdays! Yes, yes, yes–”

“–Carrie, none other than the aquamarine. We have an angel for protection and guidance.”

“And a life preserver?” Marlena asked quizzically.

“Uh, huh.” John smiled, “For a safe journey. And we have an anchor, steadfastness.”

Marlena’s eyes were filling with tears, as she stared at the last charm on the bracelet.

John tried to play it off as a joke as he said, “What the hell do we have here? What is that here on the end? We have a–”

She couldn’t help but laugh at his choice, “It’s a loaf of bread.”

“Oh, well, what the hell! I figured with all of the heavy duty emotion running up and down this chain, a little touch of whimsy was in order.” 

She held the gold chain in her hands, staring at each charm, and thinking about the thought he’d put into it. She could feel the tears on her cheeks as she whispered, “It’s perfect.” Looking up at him, she said, “Perfect. Thank you.” She leaned forward, stroking her fingers over his jaw lightly. Kissing the corner of his mouth gently, she whispered, “It’s absolutely perfect.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Make the Yuletide gay

Next year all our troubles will be miles away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brady Pub

When John stepped inside the pub, dinner was already over. The room was filled with family and friends, Christmas music, and joy. Sami saw him first, running over to grab his hand, and tug him towards where Eric was seated sideways in a booth. “Hey, slugger,” John said, tussling Eric’s hair. He glanced around the room, “Where’s your mom?”

“She went for a walk with Mike,” Sami said, shrugging her shoulders in a bored way. “Are you hungry? Mom made some pies.”

“You’re mom made pie, huh?” John asked, staring at the door to the pub. “What kind of pie?”

Sami bounced from foot to foot, “Pecan pie, and pumpkin pie–”

“–plus, a fudge pie!” Eric said excitedly. 

Marlena going for a walk with Mike was likely nothing, and yet he wanted to walk right out of the pub to look for them. Mike was ten years younger than her, not that it mattered since Marlena didn’t look a day over thirty five. He kept telling himself it was nothing, they were simply friends, but then his gut boiled, when they entered the pub holding hands, and he saw Marlena laughing. It was happening again. That jealousy that lived inside him. He had no right to be angry, but all he wanted to do was shove Mike Horton right out the door.

“Did you want pie, Daddy?” Sami asked him.

“Oh, yeah, sorry peanut. Can you get me a slice of pecan?” He continued to stare at Marlena and Mike as they carried their conversation over to the bar. She hadn’t even noticed he was there. Looking away, his eyes caught Kim’s, and he saw the sadness there, but there was nothing that could be done about it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Once again as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore

Faithful friends who were dear to us

Will be near to us once more

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena and John exited the restrooms in the shadowy hallway at the pub simultaneously, nearly bumping into each other. “Oh!” Marlena gasped with a laugh. “I’m sorry John. I wasn’t paying attention.”

He laughed awkwardly, “I wasn’t either. Sorry for stepping on your foot.”

“I think my foot will survive,” she said. She glanced down the hallway, making sure it was empty, and she touched his arm lightly, “I’m glad you could make it. I was hoping you would… I’m sorry Isabella wouldn’t come.”

Instead of replying to her comment, he asked her abruptly, “What’s going on with you and Mike Horton?”

“We’re friends,” she said. “I mean, I think he’s interested in more, but we’re friends.”

“You’re not ready for a relationship,” he told her. 

She was immediately frustrated, “I don’t think you have the right to determine that.”

“Come on, Doc!” John said in growing irritation. “Your accident was four months ago! You’re still dealing with memory loss… you need to focus on yourself and the kids. You certainly don’t need to be traipsing around with Mike Horton!”

“Will you make up your mind!” she cried in frustration. “You don’t want me. You push me away, and then the moment I spend time with Marcus you nearly lose your mind. We’ve established boundaries, John. You’re supposed to be working on your marriage, and yet I find myself standing here with you while you get jealous over Mike!”

“I’m not jealous,” he lied. “I’m worried.”

“You can’t try and push away every single man that might show me interest,” she said, stepping even closer. 

“That’s not what I’m doing,” he said softly, leaning towards her.

Marlena glanced up, and John’s eyes followed, realizing they were standing underneath the mistletoe. His muscles quivered, and Marlena’s palm slid up his button down shirtfront. “You can’t continue to do this, John. You can’t continue to push me away, and tell me you don’t want me, when you so obviously do.”

He heard the jingle of her charm bracelet when her small palm reached around the back of his neck. He shivered when he felt the soft glide of her fingernails though his hair. He wasn’t in control anymore. She was. How did that happen? Her hazel eyes called to him, as he watched her soft lips move when she spoke. John’s hand pushed along her hip, slipping underneath her sweater, and he groaned when he settled it against her bare waist, “Doc…”

“Stop pushing me away, John,” Marlena whispered, pulling his head towards hers. “Stop playing these games with me.”

He wasn’t driving this, but he wasn’t stopping her. He could stop Marlena’s trajectory if he’d wanted to, and he didn’t. He anticipated it. He craved it. Her soft breath wafted over his mouth, as she said, “Tell me to stop.”

“Baby, I can’t,” he said roughly, and then her lips were on his, soft and warm. Her fingers tightened in his hair, and she pulled his mouth even harder against hers. That’s when he was lost. His other arm slid beneath her sweater, and he tugged her body roughly up and against his. With a deep groan of want, he pushed his tongue against the seam of her lips, and she opened her mouth with a sigh. He would drown in her if he could. He would melt into her, and never find himself again. 

“John,” she sighed against him. “Oh, G-d, John. I missed you… oh, how I missed you.” He pulled away, feeling the guilt consume him, but then Marlena pulled him closer, tugging at his hair. “Stop thinking. Just for a moment. Stop thinking and kiss me.”

He glanced down the dim hallway, and saw no one. He decided to give Marlena what she wanted. She didn’t have to beg him, or tug him closer. His arms around her waist pulled her up on her toes, holding her against his body tightly, and devoured her. They would blame it on mistletoe over the next week, but they both knew they were lying.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Someday soon we all will be together

If the fates allow

Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow

So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Judy Garland

Chapter 28 – Auld Lang Syne

December 31, 1992

Isabella and John Black Loft / Marlena’s Lakehouse

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And never brought to mind?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The phone rang several times before John heard someone pick up on the other end. Relief washed over him when he heard Marlena’s soft voice come over the line, “Hello?”

He couldn’t help it. He smiled. “Hey, Doc.” Brady started to fuss in his arms, and he remembered the reason for his call. “I have a quick question for you. When the Twinner’s were teething, did they get fevers?”

“Low grade fevers are normal, as well as pain in their gums… possibly even headaches,” she said. “Is Brady not doing well?”

“I’m not sure, and Isabella is out of town with Carly. She won’t be back until Monday.” He knew he could have called Caroline, or Kim, or Kayla to answer his questions. Any of them would have been willing and happy to help him, but he’d called Marlena. “Maybe if you have some time you could come by the loft–”

“–I’m dropping the twins off with Shawn and Caroline for the night,” she said quickly. She was too excited about the prospect of seeing him. They had continued to maintain their distance after their mistletoe, hallway kisses on Christmas day, and the prospect of spending time with John had her body trembling. It was dangerous to be alone with him, especially knowing that Isabella was out of town, but even still Marlena would go. Especially considering that John had other people in his life whom he could have called, but he’d called her. “I could come by afterwards. I have a party to attend at Wings later, but if I could get ready at the loft–”

“–that’s fine. You can get ready here.” He shifted Brady in his arms, thinking about Marlena drifting down his stairs in a gossamer gown, and he briefly closed his eyes. He was fucking torturing himself, and he knew it. He’d do it every day for the rest of his life if he could. The ache was that good. 

“I’ll be over in about an hour,” she said softly. “In the meantime, get a washcloth wet, and place it in the freezer. You’ll thank me for it later.”

She stared at the phone nestled in the cradle for several beats before she could gather her thoughts together. She hadn’t planned on seeing John, and suddenly, she felt like she needed to mentally go back over everything she had planned to wear to Wing’s that night. When Mike had asked to meet her there, she’d said yes because she knew she needed to get out. She needed to spend time with friends, and find a way to get over the depression that seemed to have such a firm grasp on her mind, but she hadn’t been overly excited. It was another year gone by when she couldn’t remember most of it. The prospect of getting ready at the loft, where John would see her before she left… where she might get his assistance zipping up her dress… “Stop it, Marlena!” she told herself firmly. “Stop it! You can’t think like that. He needs help with Brady. That’s all. That’s all.”

It didn’t change anything as she later stood in her closet, running her fingers over the fine fabrics of her evening gowns, and then pulled one out of the back. She didn’t recognize it. It would have been purchased during what she had been mentally referring to as her dark period. Glancing down, she realized that she must have worn it at some point because the tags were removed. John would like it. Underneath her fingers, she could feel the hand-sewn beading, as her fingertips trailed along the plunging neckline. It was deep, much deeper than she might have normally selected on a dress to wear out to a party with Mike Horton. But her mind whispered, John will see you, and she pulled it out of the closet, laying it on her bed. Long sleeves, sheer back, and a skirt that would land at her ankles. It was as dark as midnight, and shined with a thousand stars. Softly, the fabric kissed her fingers, and Marlena was transported somewhere else.

The lyrics of the song burned into her mind as quickly as the scorch of his hand seared her soul. She stepped closer, closing her eyes as she felt John’s hand skim along her hip. His breath along her ear as his body swayed with her, and the music continued to play. She had to pull herself together. People were watching, but then she opened her eyes, and stared up at him, almost crying at the perfection of this one moment in time. He wasn’t supposed to be there, but his presence was divine. Trying to cut the tension surrounding them, she pulled back slightly, saying lightly, “You know, you paid way too much for that dance.”

“You’re worth more than a hundred dollars,” he replied, getting lost in her hazel eyes. 

“Yeah, but a hundred thousand dollars?” she asked him softly.

He didn’t respond right away, unsure of what to tell her, but then he considered the fact that it was a charity event for the hospital. He could spend as much as he wanted, on whatever he wanted. “It was a good cause. Actually two. In fact, I’d spend twice that much to dance with you.”

There was nothing she could say. They’d been skirting around their feelings since their return from Mexico, but their choices were made, the trajectory of their lives was determined. All they had to do was stay true to the path, and follow where it led.

A soft smile came over Marlena’s face. She’d worn this dress before. John had danced with her. If she closed her eyes, and swayed her body slightly, she could almost feel the heat of his palm as it rested low on her hip. She sighed as she remembered the feel of him only separated by the sheer fabric along her spine. Her body trembled, and then she turned back towards the closet to grab a garment bag. She knew what she was wearing tonight.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And days of auld lang syne

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella and John Black Loft

He was jealous again. Just before Marlena had gone upstairs to change, she mentioned meeting Mike at Wing’s for a party, and he’d wanted to shove her against a wall, and prove to her that she was his. The desire had been so strong it had rocked him with the force of it. He’d almost done it, and he knew Marlena had seen it. That split second moment when his fists clenched, and his tongue darted across his lips. He glazed up his staircase, and ran one hand through his hair, muttering, “What the fuck am I doing?”

He could have called anyone to help him with Brady, but he’d called Marlena because he wanted to be near her. He wanted to breathe in her scent, and have the opportunity to touch her soft skin, even if that touch only came from him passing Brady into her hands or giving her a blanket to wrap him in. Standing in the center of his living room, he brushed his hand along his son’s back, swaying as he whispered lullabies to him. Brady was a miracle he’d never expected, but he loved him. Brady was the child that helped fill that void of loss that John wasn’t sure would ever fully close. Listening to his breathing even out into soft baby sighs and grunts, John finally felt that he could safely lay him down for the night. He glanced at the clock, and realized it was nearing ten o’clock.

Upstairs, Marlena struggled with fastening her dress, but then she’d known she would, and she felt the smallest amount of guilt over it. They were supposed to be keeping their distance. The plunging neckline in the front, combined with the sheer back, didn’t provide much coverage, and while she’d managed to get the zipper halfway up, the hook at the top meant to secure it in place was something she couldn’t manage at all. She exited John’s bathroom into his master bedroom, just as he was walking down the hallway with Brady. On bare feet, she followed him, watching from the doorway of Brady’s room as the most handsome man in Salem, dressed in a t-shirt and ratty sweatpants, laid his son down to sleep for the night. He leaned against the crib, reaching out to settle a light blanket over him. John was due for a haircut, and Marlena could imagine how the silky strands might feel between her fingers. She could imagine rubbing her cheek against his neck.

He felt her eyes on him, and when he turned towards her, he almost stopped breathing entirely. She was a vision. Her silhouette outlined by the light drifting in from the hallway, and her hair had a golden aura; an angelic halo on a body that was completely sinful. He stepped toward her drawn like a moth to the flame, and she smiled shyly, stepping back into the hallway. “I can’t manage the zipper or the clasp,” she said softly.

He knew that dress. He’d paid a hundred thousand dollars to dance with her in that dress. Marlena turned around, presenting him with her back, as she moved her hair over her shoulder, and his eyes trailed over her, wanting to glide his hand over the slope of her lower back as it curved into her rounded bottom. He stood there for a moment, closing his eyes in order to steel himself for what he was about to do. Zip it up and fasten the hook. Nothing else.

Marlena turned to look at him questioningly, “John?”

“Yeah, yeah, Doc,” he said in a rough voice.

She almost smiled at the sound of his unsettled voice. Her skin pebbled, and she held back as sigh when she felt the rasp of the zipper, and the subtle heat of John’s skin against hers. His large fingers seemed to fumble with the hook and eye closure, but after a moment she heard him say softly, “I think that’s good.”

Turning to face him, she smiled shyly, “Do I look okay?”

“Wow,” he said softly. “Yes. Yes… you’re… “ There was a long pause, as if he wasn’t sure what to say, and then his words fell from his mouth in arush as if he was hurrying to finish his sentence, “…going to knock Mike’s socks off.”

She wasn’t sure what to say. She’d done that to him. She’d intentionally picked the dress she was wearing to unsettle him. She’d put John in a position where he would have to touch her, and she’d mentioned Mike on purpose waiting with bated breath to see his reaction to the news. Now, the sadness in his eyes was her punishment. She glanced towards Brady’s nursery, “How’s Brady?”

John started walking towards the spiral staircase to go downstairs, as he said casually, “Doc, you were right. Just a little teething. Nothing to worry about. Some Tylenol, a warm lavender bath, and some gentle back rubs, and he’s down for the count. I wish I could solve all of my problems that easily.”

Marlena reached the bottom step, reaching out for John’s arm to stop him from walking away. His sadness was surrounding him, and she felt like she was to blame. Softly she asked him, stepping closer, “Are you having problems, John?”

“No. No, I’m fine–”

Her hand squeezed his forearm, sliding up to his shoulder, “John, this is me you’re talking to. I know we’re trying to keep our distance, but you can still talk to me. We’re still friends.”

John stared at her, feeling her fingers burn into his flesh like a brand on his heart. Friends. They would never simply be friends. They would always be something more. “It’s me… it’s me. When you had your accident… when you were attacked in your home, and you lost Caleb, I felt like I’d failed you. As if I’d allowed Roman back into your life, and I was somehow responsible for him failing you… I promised myself that if you survived that, if you made it through, I would do whatever I could to make sure you knew how much you mean to me. I would not make the same mistakes… but I’m… I’m not doing it right, because somehow Isabella has gotten lost in it all. I’m just… I’m not doing it right.”

“Are we even trying?” she asked him softly.

“I’m trying! We’re trying… aren’t we?” he asked her, staring at her helplessly. “Aren’t we trying, Doc?” He started walking towards his fireplace, watching the flames dance in the hearth, and he whispered, “Maybe, I’m not trying hard enough. I’m not–I’m not talking to Isabella about my feelings. I’m not talking about what’s going on inside me… and… we all did that. Didn’t we?” He looked up from the fire to find her watching him with tear filled eyes. She couldn’t even remember what he was talking about. “We all did that… when Roman came back. We all just moved forward as if nothing had changed. As though we had nothing to deal with.” He turned away again, unable to stare into Marlena’s eyes. Since her accident she’d been so open, and so trusting with her own emotions that it shamed him. Resting his palm on the mantle, he stared into the flickering flames, and said softly, “We’re doing it again. We’re not dealing with anything again.”

He was right. Marlena was well aware that even if she didn’t remember Mexico, they were pushing each other away, and refusing to tackle some very obvious emotions. Because, otherwise, she would have never walked away with Roman. She crossed the room, the click of her heels sounding softly on the hardwood. He was so lost, and his sadness drove her to want to comfort him. Their situation was so difficult, and he was torn between his feelings for Isabella and his feelings for her. Marlena knew it was unfair, what she was doing to him. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she rested her cheek on his shoulder, and she whispered, “You know, John, the new year is a time for change. For new beginnings.”

Turning his head to the side, he could feel the heat of her being so close. He couldn’t even look at her, as her soft breath wafted over his cheek.

“Maybe you should just try to dive in with Isabella.” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she felt him in her lungs. “We can continue to keep our distance, and we can… stay friends. Like tonight… this was hard,” she said softly, “but it’s not impossible.”

“You make it sound so simple,” he whispered.

She was glad that he couldn’t see the sadness on her face, as she replied, “Sometimes, as shrink, it’s important not to overanalyze.”

Schooling his features, he said facing her, “That’s… good advice. You’re right. Tonight was difficult, but not impossible.”

“We simply have to work at this,” Marlena said softly. “But I can’t lose you, John. I can’t. Even if this period is going to be difficult, I would rather fight through it than lose you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For auld lang syne, my dear

For auld lang syne

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wing’s Restaurant

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!” the crowd screamed as they counted down to 1993. The piano player in the corner started playing Auld Lang Syne, as a male singer with a deep voice started singing. Marlena saw that Carrie seemed entranced as she watched the young man tickle the ivories. Marlena laughed and smiled, and then realized that Mike was staring down at her in awe. His hand cupped her cheek, and his thumb rubbed over her bottom lip softly. He leaned closer, “Marlena… you’re beautiful, you know.”

“Thank you,” she said shyly. 

“I’d like to kiss you,” he whispered.

Marlena felt the flutters that come with kissing someone new, and she said, “I think I’d like that.” His lips came down on hers softly. It was a kiss that tasted of champagne, and warm honey. Over and over again his mouth came back for more, sucking at her tender flesh, and when he was done, Marlena stared at him, and sighed, “Oh, my.”

He stroked his fingers along her cheek in a featherlight touch, and he reached for his champagne. Lifting it to her, he said, “To new beginnings.”

Marlena heard her own voice in her mind as she’d told John earlier, “…the new year is a time for change. For new beginnings.” Her heart broke all over again. She felt tears welling up in her eyes. She didn’t want to be there. She was a liar and hypocrite. Only hours before she’d encouraged John to invest himself in his marriage to Isabella, and here she was on the verge of tears as she toasted with Mike to new beginnings. She didn’t want new beginnings. She wanted John.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For auld lang syne

We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

January 1, 1993

It was nearing two in the morning, when Marlena knocked on the loft door. All the way there, as she’d driven over freezing streets, she argued with herself over why she was doing this, and the only answer that she could come up with was that she couldn’t let the new year start, without being with the person she wanted to be with the most. Even if just for a moment. She’d stood outside in the rain, staring up at the loft trying to talk herself out of going up to see him, and still she’d gotten in the elevator. Maybe it was fate calling to her, but she had to do it. She had to start this year honestly. She had to start the year with the person she loved, even if for only a moment. A single moment.

As John descended the staircase, still drowsy and stuck in another dream of Marlena, he rubbed his hands over his face with a groan. How was he going to move forward, and focus on repairing his marriage, when he couldn’t stop dreaming of another woman? He could still feel the heat of her skin through the chiffon of her dress, and he hadn’t even been touching her. Muscle memory was creating roadblocks for him. Another soft knock sounded, and he muttered, “I’m coming. I’m coming.”

Marlena stared up at him as he pulled the loft door wide. Her hair was wet, curling around her face with tendrils that dripped icy water onto the shoulders of her coat. Her makeup was smeared, creating gray lines across her beautiful face. None of it mattered. It didn’t matter that she was a mess, or that John looked sleep-tossed. She stepped inside the loft, closing the door softly behind her. Leaning against it, she stared at him for a moment, before she whispered, “I let Mike kiss me.”

John stared down at her, and his abdomen tightened with jealousy. Why was she doing this? He was trying to do the right thing. He’d made vows to his wife, and at every turn he felt like Marlena was beating down his resolve.

“I let him kiss me, and it was soft, and sweet, and gentle, and kind…” She pushed away from the door, sliding her cool fingers along the bare skin of his chest, feeling the rasp of his hair against her sensitive palm. “… and I realized as his lips pulled at mine… that I didn’t want any of those things. What I wanted was passion, and energy, and desire. I wanted you.”

He was lost in that aching tremble inside his body. He was lost in the thundering of his heart, and the loud pulsing of his blood in his ears. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to wipe her smeared mascara from underneath her eyes. He couldn’t stop himself from pushing her wet hair back from her forehead. He almost sobbed as he said, “Doc, you shouldn’t be here.”

“I don’t care!” she cried softly, digging her nails into his heated flesh . “I don’t fucking care. If this is the time for new beginnings, I’m not going to hold back from this one thing I want. Even if I never touch my lips to yours again – even if you push me away, I will start this new year honestly. I will start it with you knowing that with everything I have… I love you.”

John’s hand came to rest on Marlena’s sternum, the exposed skin cool and moist under his hand. He applied pressure, sliding it up and over her shoulder with a groan. She felt like sin personified underneath his hand, and he couldn’t let go. “Oh, G-d, Doc… you shouldn’t be here…”

She cupped his jaw, and she said, “I know that. G-d, how I know that!” Her hand feathered over John’s lips, watching the way his soft tender flesh pillowed around her fingertips. “I should leave. I should stop touching you. I shouldn’t kiss you… but I’m going to anyway.”

When John discussed what happened that morning a few days later in therapy, he wouldn’t remember how he’d ended up with his back against the loft door with Marlena’s body held tightly against him, and he wouldn’t remember how the clasp on Marlena’s dress had torn. He would only recall the soft patter of iridescent beads across the wooden floor, and the hot skin of her back underneath his hand. He would recall the taste of her, and the soft mewling sounds she made. And once she was gone, he would recall the guilt of wishing it had never happened at all, while simultaneously wishing she was upstairs in his bed. 

What he would recall was the last question she’d asked him, “Real or not real? You paid a hundred thousand dollars to dance with me in this dress?”

He held her more tightly against him, tugging at her roughly, and, just before kissing her again, he’d groaned, “Real.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For auld lang syne

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Auld Lang Syne – Guy Lombardo

Chapter 29 – Mamma Mia

January 13, 1993

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was cheated by you and I think you know when

So I made up my mind, it must come to an end

Look at me now, will I ever learn?

I don’t know how but I suddenly lose control

There’s a fire within my soul

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The door to the hospital lounge opened as Marlena poured herself another cup of horrible coffee. Eric was with John, and his favorite nurse Maria, down in x-ray. He was able to bring a parent with him, and he’d been excited that John was there with him on the day his cast would be removed. Parent… it was so odd that John had fallen so easily back into that role. She’d only seen him in passing since their last meeting in the early morning hours on New Year’s day. She’d seen him at the pub, or quickly as he dropped the twins at her front door, but they had never allowed themselves to be alone, or to have any conversation that would be considered intimate. They’d gone too far yet again, and both of them had retreated back to their respective corners. Marlena knew it was only a matter of time before they combusted completely. The tension was too high, and the desire she felt, along with the look in John’s eyes was more telling than anything else. She sighed with a slight smile, reaching for the creamer, and then she froze as she heard Isabella’s harsh voice behind her, “I needed to speak with you about my husband.”

Marlena turned, barely sparing the other woman a glance. She was getting very tired of Isabella’s thinly veiled animosity. If they were going to hate each other, she much preferred they be up front about it. Without skipping a beat, Marlena measured out a half teaspoon of sugar, and started stirring it slowly, keeping her back to Isabella. “John has gone down to x-ray with Eric. He should be back soon.”

Isabella was furious. Marlena was fucking blowing her off. “I didn’t come here looking for John. I came here to speak to you about John.”

“I don’t see what we would have to talk about,” Marlena said casually, tossing the wooden coffee stirrer into the nearby trash can. She turned slowly, sipping her drink, while staring at Isabella over the lip of her cup.

“When were you at the loft?” Isabella asked, stepping closer. “Because I know you were.”

“I was there on New Year’s Eve. Brady had a fever, and John was concerned, but I’m sure he would have told you that if you’d ask him.” Marlena sighed, “John gave him some tylenol, and I recommended a lavender bath, and a frozen washcloth. Then I left.”

“You left?” Isabella sneered. “You just left?”

Marlena sighed in exhaustion. She hadn’t been sleeping well, and her general unhappiness wasn’t helping. She took a long sip of her coffee hoping the caffeine would help. “What are you getting at, Isabella? Because I don’t have the time or the inclination to stand here trying to decipher what you’re getting at.”

“I found beads on my floor. Tiny, iridescent beads, the type that might come off of an evening gown.” Isabella stepped closer, hoping to intimidate Marlena, but the other woman simply stared at her as if she were bored. “So, I’m going to ask you one time, what are you doing with my husband?”

“I don’t owe you an explanation,” Marlena said. “But since you’ve taken it upon yourself to confront me while my son is at his doctor’s appointment, I will say this once – I was running late for a party I was expected to attend. I changed at the loft. I must have snagged my dress. Then I left.”

“That’s all?” Isabella demanded. She didn’t believe her.

“That is all,” Marlena lied.

Isabella’s voice was laced with venom, when she said, “I know what you’re doing, and it needs to stop.”

“What I think needs to happen here, Isabella, is that you need to go home with your husband this evening, and have an honest conversation.” Marlena tossed her empty coffee cup into the trash, and attempted to step around Isabella, who was blocking the door. 

Isabella’s hand shot out, grabbing Marlena’s arm, and she spat out, “This conversation isn’t over!”

Marlena gave her a hard stare, shaking her hand off, “I think it is. You see, the last time you cornered me, I was recovering from surgery and stuck in a hospital bed. This time, I can walk away.”

“No. No. You’re going to listen, and I’m not done.”

“I am,” Marlena told her, reaching for the doorknob.

“You’re a fucking whore,” Isabella hissed. She was so filled with fury she could see herself slapping Marlena. She felt a twinge of pleasure as she considered it. “I watch you. I see the way you touch him. I see the way you tempt John with your eyes, and the way you try to draw him into conversations. I see the way you use your children to get closer to him.”

Marlena stopped, and turned to face Isabella with fury, “I have not, and never would use my children. You need to know that, and you need to understand that!” The doorknob pulled out of her hand, and Marlena glanced up to John standing in the doorway. His blue eyes were lit with anger as he stared at his wife, “What are you doing here, Isabella?”

She stared at John with tears in her eyes, “I came to speak with Marlena about her visit to the loft.”

His eyes widened in surprise. He hadn’t realized that Isabella knew Marlena had been at the loft. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t told her. He could tell himself it was because she was only there to help him with Brady, but he knew it was a lie. He hadn’t told Isabella because of what had happened later. He stepped inside the room, closing the door discreetly behind him. “I believe that would have been a conversation that you would have with me. There was no reason to come to the hospital, and confront Marlena here, while she’s focusing on her son.”

He was doing it again. He was defending the saintly Marlena Evans, while completely disregarding how she was feeling. “Marlena is–”

“–I already know what you think, Izzy-B,” he said carefully, trying to rein in his anger. “So does anyone who was standing within twenty feet of this door. I need you to go home. I’ll meet you there.”

Isabella started crying, and almost collapsed in relief when Marcus opened the door. John glanced over, and she saw him get visibly frustrated at the intrusion. 

Marlena glanced between the three of them. “I’m going to check on Eric.”

John stopped her, placing his hand gently on her arm, and he said quietly, “Tell Eric, I’ll be right there. As soon as I finish here.” He knew she was upset, and she was trying to hold herself together. Marlena wouldn’t cry in front of Isabella.

“I will,” she said, skirting around Marcus as she left the now crowded room.

Staring at John incredulously, Isabella’s eyes welled up with tears, “You’re staying here? After this?”

“I told Eric I would,” John told her. “I can’t leave. He and Sami are already dealing with the effects of losing me when Roman came home. Now with Roman gone… if I make him a promise, I have to follow through. I have to help him know that the people who care about him will follow through. That’s how trust is formed, Izzy-B, and Eric, Sami, and Carrie… they haven’t had much to depend on in life.”

She continued to stare at him in disbelief. She didn’t believe a word that fell out of his mouth. He wasn’t staying for Eric. He was staying just to be near Marlena, and he was lying to her.

Marcus glanced at John, and then looked at Isabella. She was so hurt, and the last thing he ever wanted to see was the hurt in her eyes. What she had done was wrong. Isabella did things impulsively when she was emotional. “Isabella. Come on, I’ll take you home.”

“You’ll take me home, because my husband won’t,” she said in defeat. “You’ll take me home, because Marlena’s family is more important to John than his family with me.”

“Isabella, that’s not what’s happening,” John told her. He couldn’t figure out if she was emotional or being deliberately obtuse. “I made a promise to Eric.”

“You made a promise to me the day you married me,” she said, wiping the tears from her face.

John sighed, watching the way Marcus was standing behind Isabella. “We’ll talk about this when I get home. We’ll discuss how this is going to work, because I can’t abandon Eric, Sami, or Carrie… and if they are in my life, so is Marlena.”

Isabella laughed sardonically. It was so easy for him to simplify what was happening. It would be even easier to blame her emotional reactions for everything going wrong in their lives. But John didn’t know that she saw the way he touched Marlena’s arm, or the soft tone he used when he spoke to her. It was much more. His feelings for Marlena were something he couldn’t hide, and they were the reason for everything that was wrong. Looking at Marcus, she asked him, “Do you mind taking me home? I took a cab here.”

John saw the way Marcus stared at Isabella. He wasn’t hiding anything. The man slipped his arm around Isabella’s back, and he said, “Lucky for you, I just finished my shift. Let’s go.”

John found himself alone in a room that roared with silence. His world was falling apart, and he felt like he was crumbling with it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

One more look and I forget everything

Mamma mia, here I go again

My, my, how can I resist you?

Mamma mia, does it show again

My, my, just how much I’ve missed you?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John found Marlena in a dark corner, crying behind a potted ficus plant. His palm slid over her shoulder gently, and he pulled her back against him, “I’m sorry, Doc. I’m sorry she did that.”

“She has every right to hate me,” she cried softly. Marlena turned in his arms, pushing her face into the heat of his neck. “I should have been honest in Mexico. I don’t know why I wasn’t. I wish I could remember. That I could understand my mindset back then, because none of it makes sense to me. I should have fought for you… I should have been honest from the beginning.” Her fingers clenched, wrapping themselves in his flannel shirt.  “And the thing is, Abe has tried to explain it to me, and Kim… and even you, but I still don’t understand how I walked away, when all I want right now is you. I’m ruining your life… I’m destroying your marriage, so why didn’t I face this a year ago before you married her?”

“Everything was so confusing after San Cristobal,” he told her, softly smoothing his hand over her back. Without though his hand slipped under the denim of her overalls, and he held her close. “Roman’s appearance seemed to make everyone think… I guess it looked from the outside like his appearance solved my dilemma. I didn’t have to make a choice… you didn’t have to make a choice, because I could be with Isabella and you could be with Roman, and instead of discussing that, really discussing that, we seemed to be stuck on that ride. I don’t know if I’m making sense.”

“You are,” she whispered. Her small hand reached around the nape of his neck, and she threaded her fingers into his hair, holding herself against him. She blinked, and felt her tears fall against his skin. “As if we were on a ride in a theme park, and we wanted to get off, but it was broken and it kept going… trapping us. No matter how badly we wanted to slow it down, to give ourselves time to think… we’d lost control. Other people were in control.”

John slid his other arm inside her overalls, and glanced around quickly to make sure no one was watching them. He steered them deeper into the shadows, “Marcus took Isabella home.”

“He loves her, you know.” She rubbed her face against him slowly, and she sighed, “Just like I love you… and somehow we all made the wrong choices.”

“Doc… I’m… shit, I don’t know what I am. I shouldn’t be having this conversation, and I shouldn’t be holding you like this. I told Isabella I was staying for Eric, and the first thing I did was seek you out. I came to find you, because I knew you were hurting… but here I am…” He pulled his arms away from her, and stepped back. There was nothing else he could say right then, because he was more confused than ever. Reaching for her hand, he said, “Let’s go check on Eric. He’s probably driving Maria crazy.”

As they neared the cubicle where Eric was, Marlena heard Mike’s boisterous laugh, as he said to Eric, “Dr. Mike Horton reporting for duty! I’m ready for the procedure!”

Eric giggled, and replied, “You sure that thing ain’t gonna hurt?”

“Sir, no sir!” Mike replied. 

Marlena stepped inside, pulling John behind her with her fingers laced through his. She stared up at Mike, and laughed loudly, tossing her head back. He stood before her with a surprised look, and a child’s military helmet sitting on his head. In his right hand he held a cast saw. He looked ridiculous, and endearing. 

“Mama! He’s gonna cut off my cast with a saw!” Eric exclaimed.

“Ah, yes!” Mike cried, staying in character. “The reinforcements have arrived.”

John watched it all, forcing himself to act like he didn’t care. But in his mind he saw Marlena’s rain soaked face staring up at him. He heard her saying, I let Mike kiss me. He glanced over at Eric trying to push his jealousy aside, “You want to sit on my lap, slugger?”

Eric immediately felt relief. He didn’t want to act like a baby, and ask his daddy to hold him, but if his Daddy offered that was okay. “Can you sit on the bed, and hold me, Daddy?”

“Anything for you, little man.” John lifted Eric into his arms, and slid onto the bed. “We can be brave together.” His eyes caught Marlena’s and she mouthed thank you. John knew Mike was watching them with interest, so instead of replying with your welcome, he winked at her, and gave her a flirty grin. He knew it was petty. He didn’t care.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted

Blue since the day we parted

Why, why did I ever let you go?

Mamma mia, now I really know

My, my, I could never let you go

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella and John Black Loft

The door to the loft was ajar when John arrived home. Inside he saw his wife kissing her best friend. John expected to feel that acidic boil that usually came with jealousy, but all he felt was sadness, and that same feeling of being pulled into an abyss. He felt as if he completely disassociated. He was watching Isabella kiss another man, but John felt outside of himself. He felt almost like he was in a dream. As if in slow motion, Marcus pulled back, staring down at Isabella. His fingers brushed over her cheek, as she stared up at him confused.

She was confused. Marcus had just kissed her. Marcus. Her best friend. Her confidant. The person she knew would always have her back, even when she was awful, even when she made mistakes. “Why did you do that?” 

He sighed. She’d been so sad, and he hated to see her sad. “To let you know that there is a man who knows how to love you… a man who does love you.” He brushed his lips over hers again softly.

“You’re my friend,” she whispered, still frozen in his arms. She never thought about Marcus that way, and yet suddenly… maybe she did.

“I could be more,” he whispered against her mouth.

She didn’t understand it, but she let him kiss her again. She allowed herself to feel warmth. She allowed Marcus to make her feel cared for, and she allowed the trust that came with being his friend to make her feel, for the first time in months, like she was wanted. 

John blinked, watching her arms slowly reach for Marcus’s shoulder, as if to brace herself on unsteady feet. He heard her soft sigh, and then he turned, and walked away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was angry and sad by the things that you do

I can’t count all the times I’ve told you we’re through

And when you go, when you slam the door

I hope you know that you won’t be away too long

We both know I’m not that strong

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pier 14

John’s heavy steps descended towards the pier. The icy wind pushed up against him as it blew in off of the river. There was a certain comfort that came from the smell of fish and algae. He could sit on the pier for hours listening to the clang of buoys, and the splash of the water against the pilings. It was where he went most often when he found himself feeling adrift, but right then he was avoiding another pier. Pier 14 didn’t hold the same memories, and those were memories he was avoiding right then. He stopped short when he reached the bottom, because he saw Bo sitting on the edge of the pier with a six pack of beer.

John stepped closer, “Pretty sure drinking on the pier is illegal, Detective Brady.”

Bo turned his head, chuckling lightly as he handed John a beer. “I believe you’re correct about that, but right now I don’t give a shit, so why don’t you join me?”

“Since I’m feeling pretty low myself…” John said, settling himself next to Bo, “…I will take you up on that.” He glanced at Bo, “Wanna talk about it?”

Bo was quiet for a long time, before he said, “When I married Carly in Mexico… I know it was symbolic, but it meant something to me. That ring really meant something to me, I’m just not sure it means that much to her.”

“Something happen?” John popped the top off of his beer, hitting it on the edge of the pier, and took a long draw from the bottle, draining nearly half of it in the process.

“She said, she had to work tonight, but I took Taylor out for her birthday, because we work together every day, and she doesn’t have any family here. But then Taylor and I get to Wing’s, and Carly is there… having dinner with your brother.” Bo finished the beer in his hand, and sighed, staring out at the river. He reached over, dropping the empty bottle back in the cardboard he’d taken it from, and reached for a new one. “We got in a big argument… and I’ll tell you man, I don’t know what she wants. I have no idea. She’s acting distant, and I know… she’s keeping something from me. I just don’t know what.”

“And now you’re here,” John said, finishing his first beer. He dropped it beside Bo’s, and reached for another.

“What about you?” Bo asked him. He glanced sideways, taking in the expression on John’s face. 

John hesitated. Bo was Isabella’s brother, and John knew his feelings for Marlena were more than a little complicated. Finally he sighed, saying, “I think Mexico was complicated for all of us.”

There was no reason to pretend he didn’t know what was going on. Bo took a deep breath, and said, “I saw you kissing Marlena on Christmas.”

“Shit,” John mumbled, pushing the fingers of his free hand through his hair. “That was… that was a mistake. I’m sorry you saw that.”

“You still love her don’t you?” Bo waited for John’s answer, but it really wasn’t necessary. Even if John denied it, Bo wouldn’t believe him. 

John was quiet, and then he said softly, “It’s so fucking complicated. I thought… I don’t know. I guess in Mexico, everything seemed like it was wrapped up so nicely. It made everyone happy… except for maybe Marlena and myself. Roman got his wife back, and Isabella got me. Doc and I… we never had the chance to talk about us. We never were able to sit down, and honestly consider what we wanted.”

Bo thought about it, and realized John was right. Once it was confirmed that Roman was who he claimed to be, and everyone learned of Isabella’s pregnancy, the assumed outcome was that John would be with Isabella, and Marlena would be with Roman. It was easiest. He hadn’t even thought of any other option. He wasn’t in any position to judge. If Hope returned the following day, he would be just as torn between her and Carly. He couldn’t even imagine how John or Marlena might feel, especially after what Roman had done, and Marlena’s amnesia. “She’s been pretty open about how she feels about you since her accident.”

“I realized recently that I was allowing Marlena to carry the emotional burden all that time. I allowed her to put up that armor she wore so well… fuck, Bo, I depended on it, and what type of person does that make me? Now that it’s gone…” He sighed, dropping his second empty bottle back in the cardboard. “Marlena isn’t hiding her feelings anymore, and I swear… it feels like I’m under siege.”

Bo pushed the last beer towards him, “Here man, you need it more than me.”

“I don’t know what the fuck is happening,” he said. “Plus, I just saw Marcus Hunter kissing my wife.”

Bo stared at John in surprise, “Fuck.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

One more look and I forget everything

Mamma mia, here I go again

My, my, how can I resist you?

Mamma mia, does it show again

My, my, just how much I’ve missed you?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Mamma Mia – Amber Leigh Irish

Chapter 30 – Need You Now

January 18, 1993

Pier 29

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

Reaching for the phone ‘cause I can’t fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me, it happens all the time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The cold air blowing in off of the river, cooled the hot tears that ran over Marlena’s cheeks. She brushed at them absently with the back of her hand, and stared out over the water. She felt like she’d been crying on and off for hours. She closed her eyes remembering the night she reunited with John on this very pier. The fog. The echo and clang of the buoys. The splash of water against the wooden pilings. Taking a deep breath, she thought about how closely related scent and memory were. All she had to do was stand there in the darkness, and allow her sense of smell, and her ears to transport her to another time… another place.

She smelled John’s cologne before she heard his footsteps descending the stairs. They would never be able to explain their connection, but she’d left her home just after eight o’clock with a feeling that she would somehow see him tonight. She’d last seen John on Wednesday when Eric’s cast was removed. Since then, she’d seen Mike three times. He’d taken her to lunch on Friday, and then dinner Sunday night. She’d just left him after running into him at the pub when she was dropping off the twins for a sleepover with Shawn and Caroline. Tonight, he’d kissed her softly, and she found herself wishing it was John. Trying to move on was feeling impossible. That was why she found herself at the pier. Pier 29 was where she felt closest to John, even when he wasn’t with her. And he’d somehow found her.

He stepped onto the pier, and slowly approached Marlena. He couldn’t say definitively what had drawn him to this particular pier, especially since he’d been actively avoiding it for weeks. But after Brady was down for the night, John had told Isabella he was going for a walk, and left the loft. Marlena stood in the light fog, with her coat wrapped tightly around her. She was a vision. He thought she looked angelic, the way the lamps sparkled off of the soft tendrils of hair as the breeze blew them across her cheeks like whispers in the night. 

His footsteps slowed, and she turned towards him. He seemed so unsure, as if he questioned whether he should be there at all. She knew he didn’t trust himself to be alone with her, and yet they both had somehow found their way to that exact spot, at that exact time. When he was standing beside her, his hands tucked deeply into his black leather jacket, Marlena smiled, saying softly, “Real or not real? The last time we were here together was the night the DNA test came back for Roman?”

John’s voice choked, as he said, “Real.”

“It’s odd, you know.” She stared at him with soft eyes, “I don’t remember anything from that night except the way you looked in the rain. What I know is from what I’ve been told. But the feelings and the way you looked that night… I remember that. Sadness, and you were… you were so lost that night. It’s been a long time since the two of us were on this pier together.”

“It has,” he said, watching her warily. 

Marlena didn’t approach him. She was afraid he would run. He looked as if he might in that moment. She smiled at him softly, before looking out over the river, “After all those years of believing I was dead… this pier is where we saw each other for the first time.”

John felt himself being pulled in by the soft cadence of her voice, “When you first came back to Salem, after all those years, some mysterious force was directing me here.” 

Marlena glanced over at him with slight surprise. She didn’t remember him ever telling her that.

“I couldn’t really explain it.” He came to stand beside her, feeling the heat from her shoulder against his. He watched the light of the lamps sparkle on the river, “Actually, it compelled me to come here. I couldn’t really explain it, I just felt it. I’d never felt it before, or since, until tonight.”

“I felt it too,” she whispered. “But that feeling, that force that brought us here tonight. It’s not a mystery to me anymore. We both know what it is, John.”

He felt the need to run, but his feet were firmly rooted in place. She was right. They both knew what their connection was. They both knew what had drawn them to the pier. He’d spent months pushing it away, refusing to acknowledge it, and refusing to say it. But he knew what it was, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to face it. 

John’s face was a story of emotion. Fear, apprehension, and want. It made her ache, as she whispered, “It’s not something we can hide from… we have to face it. We have to be honest, and we have to tell the truth. I love you… but I know that’s not a surprise to you.”

His hands ran through his hair in frustrated emotion. Turning away from her quickly, he swallowed thickly. Of course he loved her. He’d always loved her, but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge it aloud. His eyes met hers helplessly, as emotion caused his voice to come out roughly, “I don’t know what to say.”

Marlena reached out, resting her hand on his shoulder lightly, “You know what to say, John. It’s not going to go away. I’ve tried to forget… it’s been weeks, months… and I keep coming back to you. I let Mike kiss me, hoping that each time it will be different, and it isn’t. I’m standing here begging you to hear me. I have to be honest with myself… I have to be honest with you. I have to acknowledge–”

“Doc, stop!” John cried out. “Don’t say it! Don’t do this to me–”

She stepped around him, her fingers clutching the leather of his sleeve, “I know it’s difficult! It’s difficult for me! But we can’t keep ignoring this! Other people see! They see how we look at each other!” Her hand pushed up his chest, as she whispered, “They notice what we say to each other…” Sliding her small hand around the nape of his neck, she said even softer, “…what we don’t say.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door

Wish you’d come sweeping in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me, it happens all the time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He couldn’t deny it. She was right. Bo had seen them kissing at Christmas. How many times had he seen Caroline or Kim watching him sadly as his eyes locked on Marlena across a crowded room? His marriage was a mess because he called out for Marlena in his sleep. 

“What do you think the people who really understand us think?”

“You mean Isabella?” he asked. It was too late to hide it from Isabella. All he could do was try and maintain his distance from Marlena, which was why he shouldn’t be standing on a dark pier with her right then. He started to feel panic as images flashed through his mind. He imagined pushing Marlena’s coat wide. He could see himself pushing her against the pilings roughly, and biting at her soft lips. He could almost feel her fingers in his hair tugging at it as she cried into his mouth. He needed to leave. “You know what? I can’t talk about this. I’ve gotta go.”

“Don’t do this!” she cried, moving to block his path. She wiped furiously at the tears streaming down her face. “Stop doing this to me! Stop doing this to us! I know it’s difficult, but we can’t run from this anymore!”

She was breaking his heart wide open. The sound of pain in her voice, and the salty tears that streamed down her face. He couldn’t take it. His shoulders fell. How long could he go on like this? When all he wanted to do was hold her, kiss her… reassure her that everything would be alright. But he couldn’t because it all felt so hopeless. 

His hands cupped her face, stepping closer, and he wiped her tears from under her eyes. “I know. I know. I feel so guilty… so fucking guilty. My feelings for you… it’s panic and pain. Marlena, I’ve never stopped caring. I’ve never stopped thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about you. You are never out of my thoughts! You were never out of my heart!” Marlena’s tears flowed hot over John’s fingers, as he whispered, “I love you.” His forehead rested on hers, and barely audible, he said, “Oh, G-d.” 

They stood together in silence for a long time. John’s hands fell to his side, and hung limply by his sides as he listened to Marlena soft breathes. Neither one of them knew what to say. Marlena had already known that he loved her, but having finally admitted it aloud he wasn’t sure what to do. Quietly he said, “I thought if I ever said that, I’d feel this enormous relief… but I don’t. I feel confused.” He turned to look at the river, saying quietly, “I feel frightened. But I guess that’s normal. This isn’t a five minute situation.”

“It’s not,” she said, watching him. When John first came to Salem he would have emotional  moments where he became overwhelmed, and seemed to turn inward. This was one of those moments. Those were the times when he would blame himself, or rage and break things. Right then, he seemed lost with no direction. Glancing back out over the river she said, “Those lights on the water are so magical, aren’t they?”

He could hear the clang of bells from the boats, “Fisherman’s coming home late.” He took a deep breath of relief. Marlena knew him so well. He was emotionally overloaded, and she was backing off a bit. He knew it would be a moment, but he was grateful for it. The lights reminded him of the sparkle of Christmas lights, and he asked her, “Did you take your Christmas tree down yet?”

Feeling the need to be close to him, she rested her chest against his arm with a sigh, allowing her head to drop there. “Weeks ago.”

“Mine’s still up,” he said softly. “We started taking the ornaments off, and Brady threw a fit. How do you reason with a kid that age anyway? He just… doesn’t want the magic of Christmas to end, I guess.” John felt Marlena’s eyes on him, and he wanted to look at her, but he was scared. Those hazel eyes would pull him into her world, and he was afraid he might never find his way out. She smiled at him, brushing soft tendrils of hair out of her eyes, and he saw the sparkle of gold at her wrist. He reached for her arm, brushing his fingers over the charms as he remembered buying them. “You’re still wearing the gift I gave you.”

“I love it.” She fingered the charms before glancing up at him, “It’s my favorite piece of jewelry.”

He’d placed Marlena’s gift in a lock box in his closet. He couldn’t wear it. When Isabella saw it she’d become angry, and started crying. 

“Are you trying to break my heart?” Isabella cried. “Are you trying to destroy me as I stand here in front of you?”

The wrist watch had quietly gone away, and Marlena had never asked about it. He didn’t have to tell her, because in his heart he knew Marlena had already come to that conclusion. 

Staring down at her bracelet, she ran her fingers over the anchor charm, and she whispered, “I think I find myself staring at it more often than I should. I think about my attack a lot. About what might have happened if you hadn’t found me. You saved my life that night.”

“In a way, you saved mine too.” He laced his fingers through hers. “You know when I first came to Salem, I was just going through the motions. Finding you – being your friend and falling in love with you – well, Doc, you saved my life too. Something rare and indestructible exists between us. I can’t deny that.”

“But you would deny our love?”

He closed his eyes, focusing on the feel of his thumb across her palm, “That’s not what I’m saying.”

“I think,” she said softly. “That I’ve experienced loss too many times. I’m not sure I can lose you again.”

“You’re not losing me,” he whispered.

“But I am!” she cried softly. “It feels like death, but you’re right here in front of me! Do you know how painful that is? Life is so fragile. How many people have I loved dearly only to have them taken away from me in a moment’s time? Samantha. D.J. Roman… you.”

“Doc, I’m not dead–”

“–it doesn’t feel any different!”

“Marlena–”

She pulled away from him, taking a few steps to give her the space she needed to breathe. He’d admitted he loved her, and yet it hadn’t seemed to change anything.  “I’m so lonely,” she said.

John felt the tears stinging in his eyes. He wanted to be what she needed, but still he held himself back. 

“Maybe I just need to connect with someone,” Marlena whispered. “And, I’m trying, John. I swear I’m trying, but it’s not working. I don’t feel that same level of comfort… or safety with anyone else. My life will go on. I know that, but it’s breaking my heart that it won’t be with you.”

 John rushed to her, gripping her face in his hands, and his forehead rested against hers for the second time that night. “We can’t keep doing this, Doc! We can’t keep reliving these memories… it’s dangerous. It’s too much… we’ll be out of control.” His body cried out for her. The scent of her perfume, the heat of her skin, the taste of her lips – all of it translated into the strength with which he held her face in his hands.

“Do you know how often I think about the night I came home to you on this pier?” She looked up at him, their faces inches apart. “It was just like tonight. A little more mist in the air, but the river smelled the same. I can still remember when you turned around, and you saw me standing there.”

“It was like I was looking at a vision.” His thumbs stroked over her cheeks, “I couldn’t believe you were real.”

Marlena’s soft voice whispered, “And then you touched me.”

Stroking her face he breathed, “Just to make sure you were real.”

Allowing her lips to brush his, Marlena said, “Time stopped. Even with everything that was going on… the world went away, and, once again… it was just you, and me.” She slid her palm around his neck in a slow, sensual slide, and she felt John leaning into her. “Together again… oh, John…” Her lips brushed his, a gentle caress that felt like it rocked her to her core, but almost as soon as it started, John was pulling away in a panic.

“I have to go,” he whispered. And all she could do was stand there silently crying, and watch him retreat up the stairs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now

Said I wouldn’t call, but I’ve lost all control and I need you now

And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

January 19, 1992

Marlena’s Lakehouse / Isabella and John Black Loft

The cabernet sauvignon bottle was empty. She stared at it blankly as she tried to pour more into her empty wine glass. She must have drank the entire thing. Marlena adjusted her tank top, as she sat in her panties cross legged in the middle of her bed. The box where she kept her memories of John was beside her, its top tossed onto the carpeted floor. Lifting their wedding photo in her hand, she dragged her fingertip around the edge of the frame. It had been one of the best days of her life. She’d never wanted it to end. “And now it’s all fucking broken,” she cried softly, tossing it onto her bedspread. 

Reaching behind herself, she undid the clasp on her bra and sighed with relief as she shrugged the straps off, pulling it out of her sleeve. It landed on the floor beside her. She glanced around at her mess and thought about cleaning it up, but she couldn’t be bothered with it right then. She was too drunk, and too sad. She fell back on her pillow, and tossed her arm over her eyes, wiping away her tears.

She was grateful that Carrie was out when she’d gotten home. It had given her time to take a shower, and wash off her makeup. After a quick dinner in her bathrobe, she’d snagged a bottle of red wine and a glass after Carrie was in for the night, and went up to her bedroom. She was pitiful. She couldn’t keep going like this. She didn’t ever remember being so lovesick. Wasn’t she stronger than this? Wasn’t she the type of woman who got up off the floor, and went on with her life? Who was she now? She’d lost the ability to put on that armor she used to wear, but maybe the difference was that life had beaten that armor until there was nothing left but sharp shards of metal, and her vulnerable heart. There was nothing left to protect her.

John had been staring at the telephone for five minutes. He shouldn’t call her. But he’d felt like a fucking ass ever since he’d walked away leaving Marlena crying on the pier. He needed to know that she’d gotten home. He needed to know that she was safe.

His abrupt departure from the loft earlier, had him coming home to an empty apartment, and a brisk note from Isabella stating that her and Brady were staying at Victor’s for the night. The worst part was that he was relieved. He was relieved that Isabella wasn’t there, and the tension that he’d been living with wasn’t there. He could feel a physical release in his chest, and he felt awful. His wife was gone, and his son was gone, and yet… he was more relaxed than he had been in weeks. Is that what Dr. Baker was talking about? Did Brady feel that tension in his little body?

Glancing at the clock he realized it was after one o’clock in the morning. He tipped his fourth bottle of beer back to his lips, and realized it was empty. He sat it on the coffee table in front of him, and continued to stare at the telephone in his hand. Would she even be awake? He reached for the whiskey bottle. 

Marlena rolled towards the telephone at her bedside, and stared at it. She couldn’t call him. Isabella was there, and it was late… or was it early? Marlena felt the drunken urge to laugh, but she didn’t. It didn’t matter anyway. She couldn’t call. 

The phone rang shrilly, jarring her for a second as she stared at it curiously.

John listened to it ring, wanting with everything in him for her to pick up, while also praying that she didn’t.

The telephone juggled clumsily in her hand as she tried to pull it to her ear. Her heart was slamming in her chest. “Hello?”

A sigh of relief, and then she heard his voice, “Did I wake you, Doc?”

“No,” she said, already crying at the sound of his voice. “I was awake.”

He could hear her tears, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you on the pier… I’m sorry that we didn’t talk about our feelings in Mexico… fuck, even before Mexico. I’m sorry…”

Pouring himself a shot of whiskey, he whispered, “Everything is so fucked up. I got home, and Isabella had left to stay at Victor’s for the night. What am I trying to save here? Especially when I was relieved that she’d gone?”

“I think I’m drunk,” she sighed, rolling onto her side while cradling the phone to her ear.

“Doc, you don’t ever get drunk,” he said.

“Tonight was a night for getting drunk, John Black.” Marlena smiled, “I drank my last bottle of cabernet sauvignon, and I probably won’t even remember it tomorrow.”

“I drank four beers, and two shots of whiskey,” he murmured.

“Hmmm,” she whispered. “Whiskey would hit just right.” 

She sounded so fucking sexy he thought he would moan out loud. “Are you in your bedroom… or downstairs?”

“Oh, I’m appropriately cloistered in my bedroom. I can’t allow anyone to see me in the state I’m in,” she said softly, wiping at her tears again.

“I bet you’re a beautiful mess,” he murmured. 

Marlena laughed softly, “Maybe.”

“I shouldn’t have called. I just wanted to be sure that you made it home safely.”

“I did,” she whispered. “I almost called you. A drunk and lonely Marlena is a bad combination.”

His body ached, “Why?”

“Oh, John,” she sighed softly. “We both know why. Even sober, I barely have any self control when you’re around. Drunk… I’m a menace.”

He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him. The whiskey bottle clinked against his glass as he drunkenly poured himself another shot. “It’s better that we’re drunk.”

“And why is that?”

“Because if I was able to get to you right now, I would be able to stop myself,” he whispered in a husky voice.

Marlena groaned, “I need you so bad right now.”

John tossed back his last shot of whiskey for the night, and he said, “If you were mine, and I was yours… I would fucking destroy you right now.”

“If you were mine, and I was yours… I’d beg you to do it again in a few hours,” she said softly.

“Aww, fuck, baby.” John closed his eyes, willing himself to hang up the telephone. “Goodnight, Marlena.”

“Real or not real?” she whispered. “You love me?”

Right before he disconnected the call he breathed softly, “Real…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Need You Now – Lady A

Chapter 31 – The Promise

January 25, 1993

Green Mountain Lodge

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If you wait for me

Then I’ll come for you

Although I’ve traveled far

I always hold a place for you in my heart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A sigh of contentment slipped from Isabella’s lips as John pushed into her body with one final thrust. His large palm gripped her hip, holding her steady, and he bit at her neck as he whispered, “Fuck.”

Coming to Green Mountain Lodge for the weekend had been a welcome surprise. Isabella had that same feeling she’d had on her honeymoon. As if it were her and John alone in the world. He rested against her, his soft breath against her neck, and she thought that maybe this is what they needed all of the time. They needed to be somewhere away from the distractions, and have the chance to focus on themselves for a while. They needed a chance to solidify their bond, and then his pull towards Marlena and her children wouldn’t be such an issue. 

John wrapped his arm around Isabella’s body, and kissed her shoulder softly. Closing his eyes, he found himself comparing Isabella to Marlena. Her body wasn’t as soft, and it didn’t fit to his the way Marlena’s did. He smoothed his hand over her hip, and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. He shouldn’t be thinking about Marlena at all. His cock twitched, and his eyes closed again as he pictured Marlena’s topless body riding his thigh. 

Isabella rolled towards him, sliding her hand up John bare chest. He groaned, and she smiled. “We needed this,” she whispered. 

John’s eyes opened as he was jerked back to reality. He waited a moment, and then he replied, “Yeah, we did.” But he felt hollow. He was spiraling and he wasn’t sure what to do, or where to turn. He could talk to Dr. Baker, but he had never formed that connection with her, not like he had with Marlena. It wasn’t natural, the connection he had with Marlena. Sometimes it felt supernatural. His dreams were so vivid, he would swear she was right there with him. When he had a problem, or simply needed to talk to someone, she was his first thought. John pushed his hand through his hair, “I’m gonna shower.”

“I could shower with you,” Isabella said softly. He looked distracted, and it was frustrating. Even though he’d taken her away this weekend, she felt like he wasn’t completely with her. She had a sinking suspicion of where his mind was. Where it always was. Marlena. “I could wash your back… and other things.”

“It’s going to be fast,” he told her, kissing her on her cheek. John gave her a teasing grin, “You stay here, and bask in the afterglow. I’ll be quick.”

“Bask in the afterglow, huh?” she said with a light laugh. But she wasn’t feeling light at all. She was feeling wound up, tense, and lonely. How could she be lonely when John was with her? He was paying attention to her. She didn’t fully understand it. Rolling onto her side, she closed her eyes with a sigh, and saw Marcus’s face. She tried to push it away, but then she could feel his lips on hers soft and persistent. 

She hadn’t told John about Marcus kissing her. It confused her because it was surprising and unexpected. Not just for the physical act, but because she’d enjoyed it as much as she did. John was who she loved, and John was who she planned to spend the rest of her life with. She rolled onto her back, staring at the ceiling, while trying to ignore the odd swirl of emotions. “It was just a kiss,” she murmured, listening to the shower water turn on in the bathroom. 

Isabella sat up, intent on following John into the bathroom when the phone rang. She stared at it in displeasure. She’d told them at the front desk that she didn’t want any interruptions this weekend unless it was an emergency. They’d only been there for a few hours. Lifting the telephone, she said with annoyance, “Hello?”

Abe sighed in relief. He’d just spent nearly five minutes haggling with the front desk worker at the Green Mountain Lodge just to convince them to put his call through to John’s room. “Oh! Isabella, I’m glad I was able to get a hold of you. Can I speak with John? It’s important.”

“He’s in the shower,” she said. “Is it an emergency, Abe? Maybe he could call you tomorrow morning?”

“I’m really sorry to interrupt your weekend, but I know that John is going to want to know what’s going on, so if I could speak with him–”

“–As I said, Abe, he’s in the shower,” Isabella said tersely. 

John caught what Isabella said as he came out of the bathroom with a towel slung low around his hips, and his chest hair still glistening with water. He rubbed another towel briskly over his head, asking, “What’s going on Izzy-B?”

She sighed, and almost rolled her eyes. Standing up, she faced John, covering the receiver with the palm of her hand. “It’s Abe. He says it’s an emergency.” There was no way to prevent John getting the call now.

“An emergency?” he asked, reaching for the telephone. “Why didn’t you come and get me?”

She frowned, “I thought it might be able to wait–”

“–hey, Abe.” 

John started speaking before she’d even finished her sentence. Isabella sat glumly back on the bed watching her weekend implode before her very eyes.

Abe felt nothing but relief when he heard John’s voice, “John! Listen, partner, I didn’t want to ruin your weekend with Isabella, but we got a tip down at the station that Raffi Torres’ brother Carlos has put a hit out on Roman. By itself, that wouldn’t affect you, but I just received a call from Marlena’s security company, and her system is offline. I’m sending a car over there to check it out, but–”

“I’m on my way,” John told him. There was no question about whether he would go, even as he watched Isabella’s eyes widen in surprise. “I’ll be there within the hour.”

“I wasn’t asking you to come,” Abe told him. “I’m planning on heading over there. I just wanted you to be aware–”

“I’m hanging up now, Abe. Get over to Doc’s place, please. I’m on the way!” John hung up the telephone, and crossed the room, tossing the towel in his hands on the floor, and pulling the other from his waist.

“John!” Isabella cried. “You’re not leaving!”

John wiped the towel he’d taken from his waist across his moist chest roughly, and pulled a pair of sweatpants from the luggage, and started dressing. “I have to Izzy-B. Carlos Torres has put a hit out on Roman in retaliation for Raffi’s death, and Abe said Marlena’s security system is offline.” He tugged a sweatshirt over his head.

“The Salem PD can handle that, John! She’s not your responsibility!” Isabella cried, watching him sit on the bed to pull his socks on. “When am I going to matter?”

He stood up, slipping his feet into his joggers, and reached for his keys, “You do matter Izzy-B. You do, but I have to make sure my kids are safe.”

“They aren’t your children!” she screamed, allowing her facade to slip. “They aren’t! And you have got to stop thinking that they are! Let Abe and the Salem PD handle this! Call Bo to go check on them, but you have got to stop running to Marlena’s rescue every time you think something is wrong!”

Squeezing his car keys in his fist, to keep himself from losing his temper, he said, “We’ll talk about this when I get back, but I gotta go.” John leaned forward, intent on kissing her goodbye, and Isabella stepped back.

She didn’t want him to touch her. Instead she walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

If you think of me

If you miss me once in awhile

Then I’ll return to you

I’ll return and fill that space in your heart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse

When John arrived at Marlena’s lakehouse he found Sami and Eric on the couch watching Labyrinth, and Marlena in the kitchen with Carrie, Abe, and two other police officers. Marlena looked up when he came in, and immediately ignored him. He knew why. After his conversation with her on the pier, and their drunken phone call he panicked, and doubled down on his commitment to his marriage. He was giving her mixed signals. Even now, showing up at her home after ten o’clock in the evening, was giving mixed signals. He could have let Abe handle it, or called Bo. Instead he’d abandoned Isabella at the Green Mountain Lodge, and raced to Marlena and the children. 

Carrie saw him walk in the front door, and immediately started crying. She ran into his arms, grateful to be ensconced in the smell of soap, spicy musk cologne, and leather. It smelled like her dad, and it smelled of security. He received shouted hellos from the twins, but they were so engrossed in the film that they stayed rooted where they were. Carrie held onto him tightly, as he walked her back towards the kitchen island. Carrie said softly, “We’re not sure what’s going on, but Uncle Abe said the police commissioner isn’t willing to approve police protection until there is a direct threat.”

“A direct threat?” John asked. He glanced at Marlena, but she was still refusing to acknowledge him. To Abe, he said with annoyance, “That doesn’t make sense! No protection? What about Doc’s security system being offline?”

“John, really!” Marlena exclaimed, staring at him in anger. He shouldn’t even be there. Even seeing him made her feel a combination of relief, and fury. She wanted him with her, and she hated him for showing up. “It’s nothing. You can leave. They’re going to send technicians in the morning, and nothing has happened tonight. Nothing at all, except I have two eight year olds up watching movies past their bedtime, and I’d like to get some sleep.”

Abe glanced between John and Marlena, sensing the tension, and he cleared his throat. “We’re going to head out, but I’ll have officers on rotation to drive through this area every hour tonight, at least until you can get your security system fixed.”

Marlena sighed, pushing her blonde hair back from her face, and tightening the belt on her robe. “Thank you, Abe. I appreciate you letting me know about the Torres situation.”

The officers turned to leave, and Abe patted John on his shoulder companionably as he walked by, “I’ll see you later, partner.”

Turning to John, Marlena said abruptly, “You can leave too, John. There’s no reason for you to be here.”

Carrie watched Marlena’s face curiously, and then she looked at John as he replied, “I’m not leaving, Doc. No matter how badly you want to push me out the door. I’m staying. I’ll sleep on the couch, but I’m not leaving.”

Staring at John for a moment, Marlena turned on her heel and walked towards the stairs. She couldn’t scream at him in front of the children. John looked at Carrie, and she sighed, “I know. Watch the twins while you go speak with Marlena. I got it.”

John smiled at her, and whispered conspiratorially, “While I’m up there, why don’t you and the twinners gather up a bunch of blankets and pillows… we’re gonna have–”

“–Oh my G-d, Dad! A Brady campout?” Carrie asked, bouncing on her toes with excited eyes. When John was Roman he would sporadically surprise them on the weekends with something he called a Brady Campout. It wasn’t camping at all, not really. It was all of them moving the furniture out of the way, sleeping on the living room floor, eating pizza, watching movies, and making smores with coat hangers, and candles. It was a core memory from her childhood. Sami and Eric’s last Brady Campout was right before Marlena came home. They were six years old.

“That’s right, Punkin’. Gather the necessary supplies, and order the pizza,” John said, kissing her forehead. He was going to get the kids so hyped, Marlena couldn’t kick him out.

He headed for the stairs, to go speak with Marlena, and just as he reached the landing at the top he heard Carrie’s excited voice yell, “Brady Campout!”

He knocked on Marlena’s bedroom door, “Doc, open the door. We gotta talk.”

“What you need to do is leave,” she shot back through the closed door furiously. She searched through a drawer in the bathroom looking for a hair tie, and finally finding one, she twisted her hair up. Exiting the bathroom, she shouted,  “I didn’t ask you to come here, John, and Abe shouldn’t have called you!”

“Will you open the door?” he asked. “I’m not leaving, Doc. I’ll sit out here all night… you know I will.”

John put his back against her door, and slid to the floor with a thud, just as the twins came screaming up the stairs, “Brady Campout!”

Eric reach the top to see John leaning against his mother’s bedroom door. He stared at him curiously, and then asked, “Watcha doin’ in the floor, Daddy?”

“I’m waiting to speak with your mother,” John said. “But she’s playing stubborn right now. Did you know that your mother is the most stubborn woman on earth?”

“Nope,” Eric grinned. “‘Cause that’s Sami.”

“Is she mad at you?” Sami asked, reaching the top of the stairs. “‘Cause she made a lot of bread yesterday, and she was punchin’ that dough!”

John knew he deserved it. “Don’t you worry about me and your mother. Get your blankets and pillows, and head back downstairs. Did Carrie order the pizza yet?” he asked.

Eric ran towards his bedroom, tossing over his shoulder, “She’s calling Giovanni’s now!”

Marlena was furious. She hadn’t been upstairs for five minutes and John had rallied her children against her. A Brady Campout? She’d heard the children talk about them, and now he’d gone and promised them one. Yanking her door open, she smiled with satisfaction as John fell backwards at her feet. She stared down at him, with her hands on her hips, “You are not staying, John Black!”

Smiling up at her with a cocked eyebrow, John replied, “Plan’s already in motion, baby. I’m not leaving.”

Sami watched them with humor, and then she told her mother, “It’s a Brady Campout, Mama! We’re havin’ a Brady Campout!”

“Go get your things, Peanut. I’m going to talk to your mother for a moment.” John rolled onto his hands and knees, and then stood up, pushing past Marlena into her bedroom without an invitation. He closed the door behind him. They continued to hear thumps, and excited screams from the twins, but it was all muffled. Staring at Marlena, he said, “I know you’re upset. I do… but right now, we need to put on our happy faces, and get through the night, because I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve promised the kids a Brady Campout.”

“Did you leave Isabella at Green Mountain Lodge?” Marlena asked accusingly. She knew the answer without his response. She could read it in the expression on his face, and the guilty way his eyes shifted. “You left her there, didn’t you… and came to me? John! Doesn’t that tell you everything? I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you are! The longer you draw this out, the more you try, and make it work… you’re hurting her, you’re hurting me… and you’re hurting yourself.”

“I have to try, Doc!” he cried. “I have to try.”

“Why? Because you can’t fail? Because you can’t admit you made a mistake?” She started crying, “I made a mistake! I don’t even remember it, but I did. I made a mistake in Mexico. So, go. Just go, John. Go back to the lodge, and go back to Isabella, because I don’t want you here.” 

“I’m not leaving tonight,” he whispered, stepping closer. “I’m not leaving. Carlos Torres is after Roman, and he might be as insane as his brother. Your security system is down… No. I’m staying. In the morning, I’ll contact the security firm, and see about getting some guards back on rotation, and then, after the technicians come to look at your home security system, when it’s up and running again, when you have guards on the house… then I’ll leave. But, I’m staying tonight. Got it?”

Marlena stared at him for a moment, her body trembling with rage. She wanted to smack him. She wanted to flail her fists against his chest, and make him hurt as much as she was hurting. Instead, she walked away. She entered the bathroom just as her fist sob tore free of her chest, a wracking sound that had her almost doubling over. She tried to close the door, only to find John’s arm blocking her. 

“Doc!” he said. “Please don’t do this.”

She gave up. Releasing the door, she crossed the room, and sank to the cold tiled floor, leaning against the shower. When John entered, pushing the door wide, what he saw broke his heart. Marlena was curled around herself sobbing on the floor. Her arms were wrapped around her legs, and her cheek rested on her knees, as her soft weeping continued. “I–I can’t keep doing this, John!”

Kneeling before her, John’s choked words sounded flat, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry… I don’t know what to do!”

He fell back on his haunches, and his face fell into his hands. He was destroying her. He was destroying his marriage, and Isabella. What would be his legacy for his son? Stefano DiMera had stolen his life, and all John had been trying to do ever since was create something he could be proud of. But he was failing. At every turn he was failing. He didn’t know what to do, or where to turn, and the one person in his life who was his constant sat in front of him just as destroyed as he was. She was probably hurting even more than he was.

John wasn’t certain how long he’d been crouched on the floor with Marlena, but it had grown silent upstairs. He lifted his head when he felt Marlena’s hand sliding up his thigh. Their eyes met, and it was over. Whatever fight they’d been having was done… for the moment. He opened his arms as she climbed into his lap, and he sobbed even harder. He didn’t know who he was, or what he stood for anymore. He was John Black, a man with no past, and no path. A man who was created by his own sense of right and wrong, but what if what was right was actually wrong? And what if what was wrong, should be right? Marlena’s thighs straddled his hips, and he fell back against the wall, holding her so tightly against him that he wasn’t sure where her body started and his ended as he stretched his long legs out in front of himself.

Her tears smeared across his flesh as she kissed the soft skin of his neck. She wept, and she slipped her fingers into his hair. Craving a closeness she’d been denied for weeks, and unable to stop herself, she whispered, “I hate you” just before she kissed him. She kissed him again, biting softly at his bottom lip, “I hate you so much.”

“Oh, G-d, Doc!” His voice was a stuttered mix of tears, sadness, and love. “Doc… baby…I’m sorry.” But he didn’t stop her. He tugged at the tie on her robe, pushing the thick white terry cloth fabric off of her shoulders, and then he froze, staring up at her in awe. She was fucking beautiful with her blushed cheeks, and her teary eyes. He pushed her silken honey hair back from her face as he cupped her jaw, “You are so fucking beautiful, Marlena.”

Marlena looked down at him, breathing heavy, and then her body choked out another wracking sob. His eyes, and his hands… his lips all said he loved her. Stroking his cheek, she leaned forward, sobbing into him, as she whispered, “I hate you so fucking much.”

But, John knew, she didn’t hate him at all. She loved him. Every time she said she hated him, he knew she loved him, and it broke him. It completely broke him inside. Marlena shrugged out of her robe, and she pulled her nightgown over her head, tossing it to the side. Her breasts swayed invitingly, and John’s were riveted on her every move, unable to stop her. He wouldn’t stop her. Instead he reached down, pulling at the hem of his t-shirt, and he allowed Marlena to tug it up, and off. Immediately her hands were on his neck, and his palms spanned her ribs, pushing up underneath her breasts, as he leaned forward rubbing his face, and his tears over her soft heated flesh. 

His voice was thick when he told her, “Don’t make me leave you tonight, Doc. Don’t make me leave. I’ll sleep in the Jeep in your driveway, but I can’t leave. If I lost you… if something happened to the twins, or Carrie…”

Tipping her face down to his, she nodded her head in acquiescence. She wouldn’t make him leave. She didn’t want him to leave. What she wanted was for the pain to stop. She wanted to love John freely, and be with him without the guilt she saw living in his eyes. Leaning closer, she kissed him softly, sucking on his bottom lip.

John moaned so quietly, she barely heard it, and then he whispered against her mouth, “Fuck, baby…”

“Just kiss me, John. Don’t think… please, just kiss me,” she pleaded, rubbing her thumb across his mouth. Her breasts pressed against his chest, igniting him, as the tip of her tongue lapped over his mouth seeking entrance, and then her hips rolled, pushing against his cock. She whispered seductively, “Don’t talk… don’t think… just make me feel good. Please… make me good.”

He was crying again, and it didn’t matter. He pushed his thumb over her nipple softly, pulling her forward, and his lips were on her, sucking and tugging at her flesh with slow, deep pulls of his mouth. His other hand cupped her breast, rolling her nipple between his fingers, pulling on it as he continued to suck her. John’s eyes closed, and he groaned, feeling the weight of her body as she pushed her center against his cock seeking her own relief. 

Marlena’s slick arousal soaked the gusset of her panties. It soaked the front of his sweatpants, and she continued to roll her hips, and push her pussy against his hard length. Over and over again, she slid over him, mewling and panting in his ear. Reaching for his face, she pulled his lips off of her breast, and she whispered, “Mark me. Mark me… somewhere no one else will see… so when I look at it, I’ll remember… this wasn’t a dream.”

“It’s not a dream,” he whispered. His tongue lapped over the side of her full breast, and his lips pulled the soft skin into his mouth. He nipped her hard enough to make her moan in pleasure, and leave a bruise, but he wasn’t done. He sucked so deeply that Marlena felt the sting, and she pushed her pussy harder against him trying to find relief for the aching sweetness building up inside of her.

“John,” she cried softly. “Oh, G-d, John… please.”

Reaching for the waistband of his sweatpants, he pushed them below his cock, “Come here, baby.” He tugged the gusset of her panties aside, and she settled her body against his cock, allowing it to slide between her pussy lips. John’s head hit the wall with a thump, and his eyes closed as he cried out, “Oh fuck… you’re skin is so hot. So fucking hot. Slide over me… yeah…” His palms settled on her bare hips, pushing her back and forth over him, “Just like that. Fuck, yes.”

When John’s thumb rubbed over, and then pressed into her clit, Marlena’s head fell backwards, her blonde hair cascading over John’s hand. He stared down at her breast laid out like a bounty before him, and he latched onto her nipple sucking at her viciously. They both started coming, reaching their peak together, and still he rubbed her over him repeatedly until he had nothing left. John dragged her body forward, breathing heavily. Marlena fell against him, slowly pushing her fingers through the hair on his chest, closing her eyes to take in all of her senses. She could still feel the ache between her legs, and the throb of John’s length against her body. Knowing she had lost the battle that night, she whispered against his neck, “Truce. You can stay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Remembering

Your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace

I’ll find my way back to you

If you’ll be waiting

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse/Green Mountain Lodge

Marlena had only nodded sadly when John said he would meet her downstairs because he had to call Isabella, and tell her he was staying in Salem for the night. When his wife’s sleep laden voice came over the line, he felt sick to his stomach. Swallowing thickly, he said, “Hey, Izzy-B. I’m gonna have to stay at Doc’s tonight until we can get the technicians for her security system out here in the morning, and line up a guard rotation. I’m sorry.”

“I won’t do this anymore, John,” Isabella whispered into the darkness of her room. “I want us to leave Salem. I want you to choose me and Brady.”

“I didn’t expect this to happen tonight, Izzy-B. I’m sorry,” he told her.

“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it. You need to make a decision, Marlena and her children, or me and Brady. But you can’t have both. You need to let her go, and in order to do that… you need to let the kids go too.” She wiped the tears from her eyes. “We can go to Italy for a few months. The EcoSystems office in Italy needs to be set up, we can do that. But I need you somewhere else… I need you in a position where you can’t run to her aid at every turn. We need to know if this can work.”

John started to say, “Isabella–” 

“–no. Not tonight, John,” she said softly. “We’ll discuss it tomorrow. But you need to make a choice… no, you have to make a choice.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Together again

It would feel so good to be

In your arms

Where all my journeys end

If you can make a promise

If it’s one that you can keep

I vow to come for you

If you wait for me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: The Promise – Tracy Chapman

Chapter 32 – Don’t Speak

February 1, 1993

The Brady Pub

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You and me

We used to be together

Everyday together always

I really feel

I’m losing my best friend

I can’t believe

This could be the end

Looks as though you’re letting go

And it it’s real

Well I don’t want to know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stepped out of the Jeep outside of the Brady Pub feeling sick to his stomach. Every caustic physical reaction he could have seemed to be looming. The stress and anxiety was taking a toll on his body, and he couldn’t seem to do anything about it. He’d agreed to leave Salem for six months. He was going to make one last solid attempt to see if his marriage would work. He’d agreed to cut contact with Marlena, but he’d refused to give up the children. Isabella wasn’t happy, but he refused to give up his children. It was complicated, and it was fucking messy. It was breaking his heart. He stared up at the pub sign remembering the day he’d proposed the idea to Shawn. The Brady Pub wouldn’t exist without Marlena. 

He waited for Isabella to get out of the car. She’d insisted on coming along, even though her interaction with the Brady’s over the last few months had been minimal. John felt it had more to do with keeping an eye on him than it had to do with saying goodbye, but maybe he was in so much emotional pain that he was becoming cynical. Tonight he simply wanted to pick up Brady, say goodbye to Shawn and Caroline, and leave. He couldn’t handle anything else. He would have to find time to say goodbye to Marlena, and the children in the next few days.

Isabella stepped out of the Jeep feeling pleased. John was trying. She was going to find a way to make their marriage work, even if that meant getting pregnant again. Originally, she’d wanted to wait before having another child, at least until Brady was two, but she’d stopped taking her birth control a few days earlier. Glancing over at John, she felt some guilt over not telling him, but it would be a conversation they could put off until they arrived in Italy. A surprise pregnancy wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility in the meantime. Stepping up beside John, she reached for his hand. “Are you ready?”

He glanced down at her with abject sadness. What kind of question was that? No, he wasn’t ready, but he was doing this to save his marriage. Without directly answering her question, John said, “Let’s go.”

The bell rang over the door in the pub as Isabella pushed the door open, pulling John unwillingly behind her. She knew he was unhappy, but he would adjust in a few weeks. She glanced around the room looking for Caroline, and then she heard Marlena’s voice. The last person she wanted to run into, and the last person she wanted John to see.

Marlena sat at a small table with Caroline, Brady in her arms with his small hand tangled in her hair, as she whispered to him, “You are the handsomest boy. You are. You are. You are.”

Isabella wanted to cross the pub, and tear her child from Marlena’s hands, but she had to control herself. She glanced up at John, and found herself even more upset at the look on his face. She had planned for them to come to the pub, pick up Brady, tell their news and leave. She certainly hadn’t expected to be faced with the reason they were leaving. John looking like a forlorn, lovesick puppy wasn’t helping.

He hadn’t seen Marlena since the night of the Brady Campout. A night when he’d fallen asleep holding Marlena’s hand, and awoke to Sami and Eric demanding pancakes, and Marlena in his arms. She was beautiful, sitting there in her fluffy lilac sweater. He watched in awe as she leaned over his son whispering to him with a kind smile. Marlena loved his child, because she loved him. For a moment, he thought that Marlena would never ask him to give up Brady, the way Isabella had tried to get him to cut contact with Sami, Eric, and Carrie. He closed his eyes to steel himself, and when he opened them he found Isabella staring up at him with frustration.

Marlena’s voice carried over to them above the bustle of the pub, and Isabella wanted to scream. The soft lilt of Marlena’s voice, imbued with kindness and saccharine sweetness. She hated her.

Marlena stared down into Brady’s beautiful eyes, saying, “Aren’t you just wonderful? Aren’t you so cute?” His hair was so soft to touch, and he looked so much like John, even with his deep brown eyes, that she couldn’t help but love him.

Isabella caught Caroline’s eyes, and waved at her as she started pulling John towards the table.

Marlena looked up, met John’s eyes, and then went back to feeding Brady. She hadn’t seen John for a week. Looking at him then was painful. Instead she looked at his son, which was almost just as heartbreaking. 

“Isabella! John!” Caroline exclaimed. “I wasn’t expecting you for at least another half hour.”

“We finished early,” Isabella said, glancing over at Marlena with her son. He finished his bottle, and Marlena whispered something to him as she lifted him to her shoulder, and started patting his back softly. The way Brady’s hand was wrapped in Marlena’s hair infuriated her. Marlena’s very existence infuriated her. Releasing John’s hand, she put her arms out towards Marlena, “I can take him now.”

Kissing Brady softly on the cheek, Marlena started to hand him to Isabella, when John said, “Hold on, Doc. His fist is twisted in your hair.” He leaned forward, disengaging Brady’s fingers, and then he brushed her hair back over her shoulder gently without another word, but their eyes held for a moment, and all Marlena saw there was profound sadness. Something was wrong. 

Shawn Brady came out of the kitchen, “Ye come to claim yer son, huh?”

“Yeah,” John replied with a wane smile. “Thanks for watching him.”

“You can bring him over any time,” Caroline told him, standing up from her chair. 

Marlena stood up as well, feeling uncomfortable, and out of place. “I’m going to go gather the twins, and head home for the evening.”

Isabella said quickly, “Oh, before you go, Marlena. John and I have some news for everyone.”

“News?” Shawn asked. “What kinda news?”

Isabella smiled brightly, “John and I have decided to leave Salem for a few months, to set up the EcoSystem offices in Italy.”

She’d done it on purpose. John knew Isabella had done it on purpose. He’d wanted to speak with Marlena alone. Isabella had known that. He wanted to explain to Marlena what was happening, and instead Isabella had blurted it out with the intention of hurting her. 

Everyone was quiet for a moment, and then John said, “It’s not a permanent move–”

“–unless we realize we love it there,” Isabella interjected. “Then we might stay longer. You never know.”

“What! What are ye talking about? Going away?” Shawn said loudly, tripping over his words as he tried to understand the abruptness of it all. “Ye can’t be thinkin’ straight, John!”

“I don’t understand,” Caroline said slowly.

“It’s just something I have to do,” John replied.

“But why?” Shawn asked.

Marlena caught it, when no one else had, except maybe Isabella. John had said it was something he had to do. From the look on his face it was obvious it wasn’t something he wanted to do. 

Isabella continued to smile, “It’s business related. John and I discussed it, and we just feel like we should be the ones at the head of the project to set up the Italian offices. It’s our company. It makes sense.”

Shawn blustered, “Johnny, ye business is here!”

“What about Brady?” Marlena asked softly. “He needs a home. He needs stability.”

She was right, but John didn’t have time to respond, because Isabella cut in. “We’re lucky. We have the freedom right now to do something like this. Brady is young. He’s not in school.” She tried not to glare at Marlena as she said, “And as far as stability goes, he’s got me, and he’s got John, and that’s all he needs at this particular point in time.” She brushed her hand over her son’s downy soft hair, and she said, “He will want for nothing.”

Marlena stared at John for a moment, before she asked, “Are you sure you have to do this?”

Caroline glanced between the three of them, and knew that the tension that had been building over the last year had finally come to a head. John and Marlena looked miserable, and Isabella seemed almost smug. It bothered Caroline. 

John stared at Marlena for a moment, before he replied, “It’s the only way out for me… it’s the only way that we can correctly oversee the set-up of the EcoSystem’s offices in Italy.”

He didn’t even want to run EcoSystems. Everyone standing there knew that. John wanted to go back into police work, and yet there he stood making plans to leave Salem for months. “When are you leaving?” she asked.

“Soon,” John told her. “The decision to go was recent.”

Isabella handed Brady to John, and reached for Brady’s diaper bag, as she chatted away to Caroline, “We are so excited though. It’s going to be an adventure.” She was trying to rush their progress along, when she heard Marlena ask John something she’d hoped to avoid.

“What about the children?” Marlena stared at him. How was she going to tell them that John was leaving? It would break their hearts, and it might hurt Carrie the most.

“I’m planning to speak with them before we go.” John saw the tears in Marlena’s eyes, as he said, “I’ll call and arrange a time to come by the house, and say goodbye. I’ll explain it to them, and… it’s not forever, Doc. I’ll call them regularly.”

There was nothing else she could say. Not with Isabella staring at her so intently. She just nodded, before saying, “I’m going to get the twins.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Memories

They can be inviting

But some are altogether

Mighty frightening

As we die, both you and I

With my head in my hands

I sit and cry

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse

John glanced over at the plastic pink seashell laying in his passenger side seat, and then pulled his eyes towards the road again. He’d gone back to the pub after realizing that Brady’s Mr. Huggie Bear had been left behind. Feeling more stressed than he would care to admit, he’d stayed and had a beer with Shawn while discussing his and Isabella’s plans for their move to Italy. Shawn was upset. The whole family was upset, since Caroline had called everyone almost immediately after he and Isabella had left the pub. So much so that Isabella found herself stuck on the telephone with Kim when he’d left the loft.

He glanced at the Polly Pocket again, and sighed.

Caroline scurried across the room, tossing her wet rag on the bar, and she reached for the telephone, “Brady Pub… Sami, Sami… calm down. I can bring it over tomorrow. It’s not an emergency tonight. Yes, I found it. It’s behind the bar… not tonight. Grandpa Shawn will bring it in the morning… I love you.”

She hung up the telephone to find John looking at her. “Sami’s upset?” he asked.

“Seems like everyone is forgetting things around here today,” Caroline laughed, snatching up her towel. “Sami forgot her pink seashell Polly Pocket. The one with the diner inside. It’s fine. I told her I’ll drop it by in the morning.”

“Where is it? I can drop it off on my way home.”

“John, that’s out of the way,” Caroline said.

“It’s fine Caroline. I don’t mind,” John told her. It would give him the chance to speak with Marlena. It would allow him to explain what had happened in the pub.

John stood in front of Marlena’s front door with no real memory of the drive there. Sami’s Polly Pocket was clutched in his fist. When she opened the door, he wanted nothing more than to hold her in his arms. It was obvious she’d been crying. John felt like they’d both been crying a lot over the last few months. He stared at her for a second, and finally whispered, “Hey.”

Marlena didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. Isabella had done the talking for both of them at the pub, and John had allowed it.

Clearing his throat, he said, “Sami called the pub, because she forgot her Polly Pocket. That’s why I came by… to save Caroline a trip out in the morning. To bring this back.” He was lying, of course. That was obvious. Marlena still didn’t say anything. She simply put her hand out, and instead of placing the toy in her hand, John laced his fingers through hers as they stood there in the darkness. Softly he whispered, “I don’t know why I thought I needed an excuse. I wish I could just stand here, and look at you, and tell you… and tell you…”

Gently, Marlena pulled him into the house, and she closed the door softly behind him. He was upset. They were both upset. They stared at each other awkwardly. “Do you want to sit down?’ she asked. “The kids are already asleep for the night.”

“I can’t stay,” he whispered. “I was at the pub because we forgot Brady’s teddy bear.”

Still holding John’s hand, just inside the front door, Marlena asked, “Why are you leaving town?”

“Isabella explained all of that at the pub.”

“The official reason, yes, I know, but not the real reason–”

“–you know the real reason, Doc.” He could feel the heat of her skin, and her eyes flashed with amber. She already knew the answer, she was asking to force him to say it aloud.

“Alright then,” she said softly. “Maybe, I just need to hear it–” 

“–what’s the point? What good’s it gonna do, huh?” John shook his head in agitation, and pulled his hand out of hers, walking a few steps away to get some space. He stared at her for a moment, taking a deep breath, “I need to go now. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

“Don’t go.” Shaking her head, the tears welled up in her eyes. Walking past him, into the living room, she said, “I wish I had the wisdom that I used to have with my patients. You know, I–I could just tell them that they need to take responsibility for their lives, and they have to gain control… control is very important, you know. But since my accident, I don’t seem to have that anymore.” She turned to face him, and John saw the confusion on her face. “And then you come over here, after I’ve talked myself out of coming to find you, and I can’t control the feelings that I have for you. I can’t even tell you to leave, and I know I should.”

His chest was tight with sadness. “I can leave. That’s what I’m doing.”

“You’re running away!” she cried.

“Yes, I’m running away! I’m running away from you, and my feelings for you, and if you want me to come right out and say it, I will… I’m leaving Salem just to get away from you, Marlena.” 

Marlena knew this wasn’t John’s choice, even though he made it seem as though it was. She stepped closer, “And there’s no changing your mind?”

“Is that what you want me to do?”

“I don’t think that running away from your feelings is going to change anything!” she whispered fiercely. She glanced back towards Carrie’s room, and then listened upstairs for a moment. 

“Maybe not, but I’m never going to know, unless I try!”

“Why don’t you try it right here?” she cried. It was unrealistic. It wouldn’t work, but she was desperate to have him near.

“I doesn’t work, Doc! You know that!” He could still feel the taste of her breasts on his tongue. He could still feel the glide of her core along his length. He glanced down at her chest, knowing that she still bore the mark of his mouth on her skin. “I’m killing myself trying to keep my marriage vows, and I can’t stay away from you. The only thing that will work is distance!”

Marlena watched him for a moment, “Is this your choice? Or is it Isabella’s?”

“Mine… Isabella’s… fuck, Doc! I don’t know!” Isabella was definitely the one who had pushed the issue, but he’d agreed. Right? He couldn’t ignore the pull that had him walking towards her. Stroking the back of his fingers across her cheek, he whispered, “Doc, I’ve realized that I’m the kind of man, that when he loves, he loves forever… and I can’t love you both. I can’t honor my marriage vows to Isabella, and make love to you every night in my dreams. I can’t stay true to her, and keep my hands off of you… and you love me so much, you won’t stop me. It’s not fair to her! It’s not fair to you!” 

His pain was palpable. No matter how much she loved him, and no matter how much she wanted him in her life. She had to let him go. She stepped away from him, pushing her hair back out of her face. A look of determination came over her face, even as her heart split in two. Wiping tears from her eyes, she whispered, “You need to be with your wife.”

John felt the change. Almost as if a shade was drawn over her eyes. He couldn’t read her anymore, and normally she was an open book. He tried to reach for her, but she sidestepped him. “Doc…no…”

“Yes,” she whispered, forcing herself to stand apart from him. “John, you have to leave. Now.”

She was letting him go. He felt it as surely as if she had removed his heart. His voice caught in his throat, “Doc…”

“I’m saying goodbye, John… and wishing you luck.” Marlena wiped at her tears with the back of her hand.

Something was wrong about it. Something felt innately wrong, and John wasn’t sure what to do, but he felt like he couldn’t leave. Not just yet. He started speaking, the words flowing straight from his soul without censor, “I can’t. I can’t let you go. I can’t be in the same room with you, and say goodbye… and pretend that it doesn’t matter. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t break my heart. I can’t face it. I can’t face weeks, or months… I can’t face not seeing you.” John’s hands rubbed over his face, “Please, Doc! Tell me what to do because I can’t face this!”

Marlena stared at John’s outstretched hand with a choked sob. “I can’t. I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t… touch you. If I so much as even touch you… John, I won’t be able to do this. I won’t be able to say goodbye.” Her small hands were clenched at her sides, she was so afraid to move. “If you can’t say goodbye, or do this on your own… I love you enough to let you go, and hope that someday, you’ll come back to me… but right now, I have to be strong enough for both of us.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Don’t speak

I know what you’re saying

So please stop explaining

Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts

Don’t speak

I know what you’re thinking

I don’t need your reasons

Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Don’t Speak – Hidden Citizens (featuring Tim Halperin)

Chapter 33 – Snow At The Beach

February 5, 1993 

Isabella and John Black Loft

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One night a few moons ago

I saw flecks of what could’ve been lights

But it might just have been you

Passing by unbeknownst to me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Look, Izzy-B, it’ll be fast,” John said, pulling his heavy coat off of the coat rack by the door. He snatched up his car keys, and put his wallet in his back pocket. “I’ll just run over to Doc’s place, and make sure they have supplies, and double check that the shutters are locked down. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Our flight leaves in less than two hours, John! We have to leave before the blizzard hits, or we won’t be leaving at all!” She was furious. Brady started to cry in her arms, and she bounced him a little while helplessly watching her husband with dark eyes. This was precisely why they were leaving, because he would forever do things like this, and she was over it. “Marlena is a big girl, John. Call Bo to go check her shutters! Call Shawn! Call Shane for G-d’s sake… but it doesn’t have to be you. You don’t have to be her savior!”

He couldn’t have another argument with her. They were leaving Salem. She was getting what she wanted. Shaking his head, he said, “It’ll give me a chance to say goodbye to the kids one more time.” In truth, he was worried, but he also had this growing sense of panic he couldn’t fully explain. As if leaving was the perfectly wrong thing to do. Reaching for the loft door, he pulled it open, saying over his shoulder, “I’ll be back.”

And he was gone, leaving his wife staring at the door as he closed it behind himself.

The snow had already started falling as he ran towards his Jeep. He had to go quickly, but he was going to go. Turning on the car, he backed out of his parking stall, and turned on his windshield wipers.

“You know life is passing by so slowly, and it’s all your fault,” Marlena teased, as she buttoned her pajama top. 

He watched her, staring at the delicate curve of her back. She was alive, and that was all he could think about. Since she’d come out of her coma, all he’d felt was a profound sense of joy. With his hands on his hips, he asked her, “Oh, yeah? And how’s that?”

“I keep thinking about you all day long, and what it’s like to wake up with you, and…” She turned to look at him with the sexiest smile he’d ever seen, and he felt his muscles clench. “… what it’s like to go to bed with you.”

His eyes flicked down to the curve of her breasts, before saying, “Sounds like pretty nice thoughts to me.”

Her arms slipped around his waist, “I want to be home with you right now.”

“The doctor said you’re gonna go home real soon,” he told her. 

Marlena wanted to go home then. “It’s not soon enough for me. Not soon enough…” Her eyes stared at his lips, as she lifted herself onto her toes, kissing him softly. Her fingers threaded into his hair, and he was lost to the sensation of her mouth.

“Fuck!” John said, as his Jeep swerved on the icy road. “Get your shit together John Black. You can’t keep doing this.” But he couldn’t stop it, as he was assaulted by another memory. This one of  Christmas.

“I have a gift for you too,” she told him. “Let me grab it.”

He couldn’t help but smile as she excitedly crossed the room, pulling open a drawer on her bedside table. She hurried back towards him, handing him a box with trembling hands. John held it in his hands, wondering if he should open it, “May I?”

“Please,” she said with a shy smile. Marlena loved gifts. She loved giving them, and she loved receiving them. 

John opened the box, and stared down at a beautiful gold watch, “Wow…”. Tossing the rest of the box on the end of her bed, he whispered again, “Wow…”

“That was my way of saying thank you for saving my life… for giving me back my life. I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me… and for the children.” She stared up at him, watching the way he stared at the watch in his hand. With her voice choked with emotion, she whispered, “Merry Christmas.”

He turned onto Lakeside Drive, and felt the slight slip of his tires. The snow was starting to fall in heavy droves. Trying to focus on the road, he found it was impossible as his mind took him to another memory.

“How did you know I was starving?” she laughed. She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear nervously, and ran her hands over her skirt.

“Because, Doc, I know you,” he told her, slipping inside, and closing the door behind him. She was beautiful, even nearly six months pregnant, she was amazing. It was possible that pregnancy made her even more beautiful. That was a regret he would always have. Not knowing what she might look like in the light of the moon, full and round with his baby. Pushing the thoughts away, he smiled, “And you are notorious for forgetting to eat.” His eyes landed on her growing abdomen with a bittersweet longing as she stood up. His voice was rough as he tried to sound teasing, “Besides, Doc, you’re eating for two now.”

Marlena’s eyes lit up with a bright smile. She rounded her desk, approaching the couch, and kicked off her shoes, sinking into the overstuffed cushions with a sigh. “I am eating for two, and I don’t remember being this tired with the twins,” she told him, propping her feet on the coffee table.

John stared at her feet for a moment, small, with perfectly rounded toes. He found himself fascinated by the way her stockings wrapped around them. Blinking his eyes several times, he turned his attention to the food, and started pulling the sandwiches from the deli bag. He handed Marlena two individually wrapped pickle spears. “For you, Doc… two pickles. Yours… and, because you love them so much lately… I’ll let you have mine.”

“I can have both?” Marlena’s eyes went wide as she reached for them excitedly, tearing the paper, and biting into one of them with fervor. As the sourness burst over her tongue, Marlena moaned, and John almost shivered when he heard her. With a mouth full of pickle, she mumbled, “How did I never know how much I love pickles? I swear I’ve gone through a whole jar this week.”

“I can’t keep doing this to myself,” he muttered. “I have to be strong enough to do this.” He pulled into Marlena’s driveway, and put the Jeep in park. He sat there in silence for a moment, and then stared at the house. Taking a deep breath, he got out, and pulled his coat up around his ears as a brisk wind hit him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Life is emotionally abusive

And time can’t stop me quite like you did

And my flight was awful, thanks for asking

I’m unglued, thanks to you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse

The snow was falling heavily by the time he reached the front door of the house. He put in the security code, and pushed the door wide, calling out, “It’s me!”

“Daddy!” Sami screamed, hopping off of the couch, and nearly toppling Eric in the process. “Daddy!” She was crying before she even reached him. “I thought you were leaving?”

Eric sat on the couch, unmoving, and leaned against Carrie. John’s chest clenched, knowing he deserved Eric’s anger. Not wanting to pressure him, he said, “Hey slugger.”

Carrie disengaged herself from Eric, and stood up stretching her back out. She’d overheard her Dad’s conversation with Marlena a few days earlier, and she’d cried herself to sleep that night. She wasn’t happy that he was leaving. She’d never be okay with it, and if she was honest, she wanted him to choose them. She wanted him to choose Marlena. They could work out the rest, but his unhappiness, and Marlena’s sadness were so obvious to her. And they were making the same mistakes that they’d made before, when what they needed to do was be honest, and choose each other. She would think that since they were older, and wiser they would figure that out. But they weren’t. “Hey, Dad.”

“Hey, Punkin’. I came by to say goodbye one last time, and make sure you have supplies for the storm,” he said, looking around for Marlena. 

“Uncle Bo and Grandpa Shawn came by earlier. Uncle Bo checked the shutters, and Grandpa Shawn left a bunch of canned goods, and jugs of water. Uncle Bo is coming back in a few minutes with Shawn D, and I haven’t told the twins yet, but…” Carrie smiled, feeling Sami’s eyes on her intently. “I think it’s gonna be a Brady Campout night.”

Sami’s eyes widened, and she screamed, “Yes! I’m getting my stuff! Eric!”

John looked around again, “Bo’s coming? Where’s Doc?”

Carrie watched Eric race up the stairs after Sami, and she said quietly, “She’s really upset about you leaving. So, she decided to head out to the Horton Cabin on Smith Island. That was before we knew about the storm of course, and Uncle Bo said there aren’t any more ferries running out there. So we have to wait it out, and hope for the best.”

“So, Doc’s out on Smith Island in this blizzard? ” His heart started racing. “There’s no electricity! There’s no phone! Why didn’t you call me?”

“She told me she didn’t want you bothering her. Dad, I told you, she’s really upset, and maybe… maybe she has a right to be, you know?”

John stared at Carrie, “Did she say something?”

“She didn’t need to. I heard you guys the other night… I heard everything, and what I don’t understand is how I see it so clearly, and the two of you are a mess.” Carrie watched as a myriad of emotions flickered through John’s eyes, and she said, “You love Marlena, and I know, you love Isabella too, but you will never love Isabella with the depth you love Marlena. Going to Italy for six months won’t change that.”

“I need to check on her,” he said softly. He decided so quickly that he wasn’t sure where it came from. “I’m going to head out to Smith Island, and check on Doc.”

“Uncle Bo said the ferry isn’t running,” Carrie reminded him as hope filled up inside her. She wanted him to go after her, and she wanted them to figure themselves out.

“With enough money, I’ll find a boat to take me out there,” John said.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And it’s like snow at the beach

Weird, but fuckin’ beautiful

Flying in a dream

Stars by the pocketful

You wanting me tonight, feels impossible

But it’s comin’ down, no sound, it’s all around

Like snow on the beach

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The house was bustling as Bo and Shawn D came in, shaking snow off of themselves in the mudroom, while Sami and Eric excitedly told Shawn D they were camping out. Carrie smiled at Bo, and then the telephone rang. She reached for it, saying, “Hello?”

“Can I speak with John?” Isabella asked. Carrie’s eyes narrowed. When did Isabella become so abrupt? “He isn’t here. He left about a half an hour ago.” Carrie watched Sami climb the couch, and prepare to do a backflip, and she yelled, “Samantha Gene Brady! Get down! No backflips!”

“Daddy lets me!” she cried, balancing on the back of the couch like a seasoned gymnast. She would have continued to argue, but she climbed down when she got a stern look from her Uncle Bo. Carrie was never any fun.

“Daddy spots you while you do it, and he’s not here! No backflips,” she said. To Isabella, she said, “He was here to make sure we had supplies, but he left.”

With a sigh, Isabella asked, “Do you know where he went?”

He’d gone to Smith Island. Bo had given him the name of a fisherman who might be willing to take him out there. Carrie glanced at Bo, realizing he wasn’t paying attention to her at all, and then, she lied. “He didn’t say. I assumed he was going home. Aren’t you leaving for Italy tonight?”

“The flight was canceled due to the weather,” she said in frustration. “We won’t be flying out tonight.”

“So we’ll get a few more days before you drag our father away from us?” Carrie asked with a tinge of annoyance.

Isabella was silent for a few seconds. Carrie had never been so blatantly rude, that she was slightly thrown off. In an effort to get off the telephone quickly, she said tersely, “If he comes back, could you please have him call me?”

“Sure.” Carrie practically slammed the phone into the receiver, and when she glanced up she found Bo staring at her oddly. She lied again. “Wrong number.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

This scene feels like what I once saw on a screen

I searched ‘aurora borealis green’

I’ve never seen someone lit from within

Blurring out my periphery

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Horton Cabin on Smith Island

The boat was rocking violently as it pulled into the docking area of Smith Island. John smiled at Captain Harris, handing him his business card. “You tell your son to call me on Monday. The internship is his.”

Captain Harris shouted over the wind, “You won’t be regrettin’ it, Mr. Black. My boy is one of the smartest around! All he needs is someone to give him a start!”

The boat hit the dock, and John had to steady himself in the gale force winds. “Thanks again!” He jumped off, leaping over the side onto the pier, and he waved as Captain Harris started immediately pulling his boat back out onto the lake. No matter what happened, he’d gotten there, and he was stuck for the night. The snow was already at least an inch thick, and it didn’t show any signs of stopping. John pulled on the beanie Captain Harris had given him, and pulled his coat tight, flipping the collar up. He wished he had his old wool peacoat, but he had no idea what had happened to that.

He set off in the direction of the cabin at a run. It was on the other side of the island, which John was grateful for, because the trees would block most of the wind shear. As he ran he thought about how odd his evening had turned out. An hour before he was the lowest he’d felt in years. Marlena had been right when she’d compared losing him to death. Over the last week he’d felt that intensely. His lungs burned, and his legs pumped. He reached the cabin in less than ten minutes, but it was empty. There was a fire in the hearth, which meant it was warm, but it was otherwise empty. Marlena’s duffle bag was sitting, open on the couch. He tore the beanie off of his head, and ran his fingers through his hair. “Where the fuck is she?” 

Stepping back out onto the porch, he stared up at the sky watching the snow drift from the sky in thick clumps backlit by a full moon. It was a gorgeous night, and then, in an instant, he knew where she was. Closing the door behind him, he ran down the hill towards the beach. That’s where he found her, nestled in a copse of trees, shielded by the wind, wrapped in his old wool peacoat. The one he hadn’t seen in years. 

Marlena stared up at John as if he were a vision conjured by her imagination. He shouldn’t be there, but he was beautiful. 

“Doc!” he said breathlessly, leaning over and resting his palms on his knees. 

Still in awe that he was standing before her, she said, “I thought you were leaving?”

“I went to check the house, because of the storm, and Carrie said you were out here. I got scared. There aren’t any ferries, and you don’t have electricity or a telephone…” He was quiet for a moment, and then he stepped closer, “I was worried.”

“As you can see, I’m fine.” She stared back out at the lake, watching the snowfall accumulate on the beach. “How did you get here if there weren’t any ferries?”

“I promised a fisherman’s kid an internship,” he said with a smirk.

Marlena couldn’t help but smile as John settled beside her. “So, I guess you won’t be flying out tonight?”

“Not tonight,” he said quietly. He stared at her in the light of the moon, and thought he’d never seen her look so beautiful. Her hair was in wild curls around her face, blowing in the wind. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, and the wind had brought a rose colored hue to her cheeks. She sat there like a silent sentinel, her arms wrapped around her knees, while she wore his peacoat. She was mourning, and he felt that on the deepest level, because he was mourning too. 

Scooting closer to her, so close that their shoulders touched, John curled himself into a matching version of her, and they sat watching the snowfall on the beach in silence.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

My smile is like I won a contest

And to hide that would be so dishonest

And it’s fine to fake it till you make it

Till you do

Till it’s true

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Why did you come here?” she finally asked after more than a half an hour of silence.

He looked at her sadly, “I already told you, Doc. I was worried.”

“Stop lying to me… or maybe I should say that you should stop lying to yourself. Why did you come here John?” she asked again. He was quiet. “John, look at me.”

But he couldn’t, because the truth was in his eyes. One look, and she would know that he was doubting everything. He was falling apart, and he used a trip to Smith Island to forestall the inevitable. “It won’t make any difference, Doc.”

“I just want to see your face,” she whispered. “Surely, you’ll allow me that won’t you?”

G-d, she knew how to tear him to shreds. He turned his head to the side, staring at her over the curve of his knees. “Allow you?”

She rested her cheek on her knees, feeling the tears slip out over the bridge on her nose. “I’m so scared. I’m scared for all of us. But mostly, I’m scared for our children. I’m scared for Brady, and Sami, and Eric… I’m scared for Carrie.”

“I’ve thought this through,” he said softly. “And it’s going to be tough going for all of us for quite some time, but somewhere down the line–”

“Stop lying!” Marlena lifted her head, watching him with amber eyes that seemed to hold fire. “You’re doing this for Isabella! Don’t separate yourself and your son from the rest of your family! Don’t do this to Sami, Eric, and Carrie!”

John turned to face her, “That’s the way it’s gotta be, Doc! You know that!”

Marlena scrambled to her feet, raising her voice in bitterness, “No, I don’t know that! No, I don’t! We’re adults–”

“–and this is the adult thing to do!” he yelled, following her, as she started walking back towards the cabin. 

She turned on him, stepping so close he could feel her heat, “No! No! Running away isn’t adult! You and I can live in the same town! We can!”

“And do what? And do what?” he asked her. “Just see each other at functions? Say hello? Maybe do a little kiss on the cheek? At arms length we’ll engage in some sort of trivial chit chat?” His face turned to disgust, “I don’t think so.” He stepped away from her, walking to the edge of the trees, and he closed his eyes, allowing the freezing wind to ground him in reality.

“All right,” she said softly behind him. “All right, but leaving and hurting the children like this… just because…”

He turned around slowly, staring at her with aching sadness. “Because?”

She felt the cold trail of her tears on her face as she cried, “Just because… of what’s going on between us.”

“That’s right. Because if I stay in Salem, I’m going to hurt Isabella… and I’m going to hurt you. I respect my wife too much… and G-d knows I care for you.” He watched her suck in a deep breath as she struggled to hold back her tears. Frustration overwhelmed him. “And I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation!”

“Because, I think you’re lying to yourself,” she told him. “I think those things are true… but you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t lying to yourself. You wouldn’t have made your way here in the middle of a blizzard, if what you were saying to me right now was true.” She walked into his personal space, staring up at him – so close that he could feel her breath on his cheek – and still he looked out over the lake, refusing to meet her gaze. She whispered, “You’re wrong. If you think you’re doing this for me, you’re wrong! I can’t even imagine my life without you. I don’t want to imagine my life without you!” She reached over, turning his face to hers, “I want you in my life. I need you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Are we falling like 

Snow at the beach

Weird, but fuckin’ beautiful

Flying in a dream

Stars by the pocketful

You wanting me tonight, feels impossible

But it’s comin’ down, no sound, it’s all around

Like snow on the beach

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John pulled away from her, “I shouldn’t have come here, Doc.”

“Well there are a lot of things I shouldn’t have done!” She started walking again, feeling a gust of wind catch her off balance. How ridiculous it all seemed. A life changing argument in the middle of a blizzard. She tossed over her shoulder, “I never should have fallen in love with you to begin with.”

John followed her in surprise, watching as she reverted to old habits, and tried to put her non-existent armor back into place, but it was too late. That armor didn’t exist anymore, and instead her words came out sounding flat. “I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have let that happen. But… you came along, and it just happened.”

“Stop this!” he cried, grabbing her shoulders, and forcefully turning her to face him. “Stop it!” Listening to her say that was almost too much for him.

Her tears burned her eyes, and the snow was hitting her face with tiny darts of pain. A sob choked her, “It just happened. I couldn’t help it!” John’s face fell, and with it went any bit of resistance she had left. Her head fell forward, landing on his chest, and she sobbed, “That’s so pathetic!” She lifted her head, watching the snow as it caught in his dark hair, and she ran her fingers along his jaw, “It didn’t have to happen. I wanted it to happen. I really wanted to love you.” She wiped the tears from John’s cheeks, and whispered, “I do love you… and now I’m driving you away.” Pulling away from him, she started walking again. 

“You’re not… it’s the only way out.”

“Is it?” she asked helplessly, stepping onto the porch of the cabin. “Because I don’t… I–I don’t know that. I also don’t know that… if at some point in my life, I’m going to stop having these feelings that I have for you.”

John couldn’t imagine what he felt for her ever fading, but still he said, “Yes, in time. That’s all.”

“Will I?’ she sobbed. Leaning forward, she stroked his face, feeling the scratch of facial hair across her palm. “You’re just… so much a part of me. My life… I don’t know what I would do… if you weren’t.”

He clenched his fists to keep himself from reaching for her. He felt his teeth grate against each other, and he felt the pulsing in his head that would lead to a headache later. And still the tears flowed over his cheeks as he said, “Doc… hey, come on… don’t be unhappy. That’s the last thing I want.”

Marlena cracked in half, and she screamed, “Doesn’t this make you unhappy at all?”

He was broken. A shell of who he used to be. A shadow of what he wanted to be. He roared to the sky, and anyone else who might hear his pain, “I’m past that, Doc! I’m freefalling! With just the idea of never seeing you again. I am never going to hear you laugh. I’m never going to smell your perfume, and I am never going to touch you.” 

Without intentionally deciding to do it, his hand reached out, pushing roughly inside her heavy coat to slide along her hip with the gentlest touch, and Marlena was lost. How could it hurt this badly? Staring down at him from where she stood, she pulled at his coat as she cried out, “Oh, G-d!” 

He reached for the lapels on her coat, staring into her sobbing face, and he dragged her forward, kissing her as if he might die if he didn’t. She continued to cry. Her soft weeping did nothing to stop him, as his tongue slipped between her lips, and he moaned into her. When Marlena’s arms slipped around his neck, and the weight of her body fell into him, there was nothing else but the night, and the snow, and her scent, and the taste of her. There was nothing except Marlena.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can’t speak, afraid to jinx it

I don’t even dare to wish it

But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet

Now I’m All For You Like Janet

Can this be a real thing, can it?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Snow on the Beach – Taylor Swift

Chapter 34 – My Immortal

February 6, 1993

Horton Cabin on Smith Island

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

‘Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won’t leave me alone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John wrenched his lips from Marlena’s, and stared at her with arousal blown eyes. Fuck. He wanted her so badly his whole body screamed out in pain. He gasped, clenching the lapels of his old woolen peacoat in his fists. The simple fact that she had the coat after all those years, that she was wearing it the night he was supposed to leave. It was agonizing. She stared up at him, panting softly, with gently parted lips, but she said nothing. They were in a cocoon of silence surrounded by snow, and all he could hear was their combined intake of breath as they fought what seemed to be inevitable. When the tip of her tongue slipped over her bottom lip, he jerked her body forward. She slammed into him, crying out a gasp that called to him. It was desire, lust, longing, and anticipation. That was all he could take. He plundered her mouth, kissing her over and over again, trying to get as much of her as he could before he would be forced to let her go… because he was supposed to let her go. Right?

John’s lips ached, and yet he couldn’t stop. His shaking fingers pulled desperately at the buttons of her coat. He slid his cool hands inside, slipping underneath her sweater with a groan. His fists clenched in the thin cotton shirt she wore beneath, tugging it from the waistband of her jeans, and almost sighing with relief when his skin touched hers. Shaking the falling snow from his hair, as he leaned forward sucking her bottom lip into his mouth with a groan. She tasted like everything he missed. She tasted like his past, and his dreams. She tasted like hope.

Marlena’s fingers laced through his hair, her nails scraped across his scalp, as she was helpless to stop his assault. She stumbled backwards when he lifted her, shoving her back onto the porch, and into the side of the cabin with a heavy thud. They were out of the wind, and the snow continued to fall sideways, but the silence was deafening. All Marlena could hear were John’s groans, and the rasp of his breath. Her hand shook as she struggled to pull down the zipper of his coat. Pushing the soft black leather apart, her palms laid over his warm chest, feeling the soft flannel beneath them, and the staccato rhythm of John’s heart beneath her fingertips. She was afraid to say anything. If she did he might stop this, and they couldn’t stop. 

Gasping for air, his forehead rested on hers. His fingers held her warm skin firmly, as he gasped, “We can’t do this, Doc.”

“If you’re leaving me tomorrow, give me this. Give me this night. Don’t take it away from me,” she begged him. “I want you… I want you so bad…” Her small hand stroked his face, “Don’t you dare lie to me, and tell me you want to walk away from this. You want this. You want me.”

His eyes closed. His body was on fire. He couldn’t look at her. John’s fingers dug into the flesh of her waist. She rolled her hips toward him, and he almost cried out as she bumped against his aching cock. “Doc!”

She did it again, watching his face curl in agony. She wanted his pain, because it made her certain that he wanted her. She wanted to know that this was killing him the way it was killing her. She started pulling his shirt from the waistband of his jeans. He couldn’t stop her, because he wanted her touch. He wanted her small, petite hands on his skin, and he wanted her fingernails across his back. 

The wind changed direction, blowing a gust of snow over the porch, pushing them apart. John stared at Marlena, dragging in air as if he were drowning. This was his chance to stop. His chance to pull away. Maybe he was drowning in a metaphorical sense. He couldn’t move, unable to take the next step, but unable to move away from her. Marlena made the decision for him. She reached around, turning the doorknob slowly, and she pushed the door to the cabin open. Taking John’s hand in hers, she threaded her fingers through his, and tugged him inside the cabin after her. John pulled the door closed, and locked it behind him.

He followed her without a word. He watched her as she placed two more logs on the fire, wiping her palms on her jeans. He was transfixed, as she removed the peacoat, shrugging out of it, laying it over the back of the couch. He was captivated by her when she pulled her sweater over her head, and stood before him in a thin white tank top. His eyes were riveted on her velvety soft skin, the dusky color of her nipples showed through the fabric, and the hard peak of her nipple begged for his attention. His body was aching painfully, and a battle waged inside his mind. Allow this to continue or ask her to stop? Marlena kicked her boots off, and tossed her socks aside, reaching for the button of her jeans. John swallowed thickly, but remained silent. 

She shimmied her jeans over her hips, and pushed them to the floor, standing there in nothing but a nearly sheer top, and a pair of soft pink cotton panties. He wanted her. She could see it in the tight lines around his eyes, and his fists clenched at his sides. He wanted her, and she was tired of the games. She was tired of his running away, and his refusal to accept the inevitable. Stepping in front of him, where he stood behind the couch, she stared up at him whispering, “Stop pushing me away. Stop telling me we can’t do this… please. If you’re leaving me, really and truly leaving me, give me tonight, John. Let me have tonight.”

He watched as her palms smoothed over the soft cotton plaid of his shirt. His breath stuttered in his chest. Slowly, almost painstakingly slow, Marlena’s fingers pulled each button free. John couldn’t help it when his head fell back at the feeling of her palms against his chest. One by one, she lifted his arms, undoing his cuffs, and John shrugged out of his shirt when she pushed it over his shoulders. Soft, moist lips lingered over his heart, and he gasped quietly.

Marlena’s fingers lingered on his body as she walked a path around him, placing kisses on his biceps, his shoulder, the nape of his neck. He closed his eyes, when he felt her cheek against his skin, and he felt his own tears start to fall as hers trailed down his spine. She was seducing him. Every movement, every whisper, every kiss was a seduction. Her arms reached around his waist, settling on the button of his jeans, as she asked in hushed tones, “Please, John… tonight. Give me tonight.”

As she unfasted them, he replied softly, “Tonight…”

“Tonight.” Marlena’s soft lips dragged across his heated skin when she rounded his body to stand in front of him. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These wounds won’t seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time cannot erase

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

He gazed down into her soft amber eyes, watching the way the firelight flickered in their depths. It was that moment when he accepted what they were about to do. Like whispers of the wind that swirled outside the cabin, John’s fingers feathered up the length of her arms, settling on her shoulders. Marlena’s lips parted with arousal, when his palms cupped her neck, and she cried out softly with want when his lips touched hers. “We shouldn’t be doing this…”

Another tear slipped from her eye, as she pushed her hands into his jeans, and slid them over John’s hips. He didn’t stop her, because he couldn’t. Even though he’d acknowledged that they should stop, they wouldn’t. His thumbs wiped the tears from her cheeks, and he said, “Are you sure?”

“Do you love me?” she asked him.

His body shivered when he kicked his jeans to the side. “More than life itself.”

Marlena allowed the back of her hand to brush his swollen cock. “Make love to me. Kiss me. Prove it to me. Prove that you love me.”

“Fuck… Marlena,” he groaned, twisting his fist in the hem of her tank top. He tugged her closer, deciding that at least for that night, he was all in. He pushed his guilt aside, and he focused on the woman in front of him. Carefully he lifted her shirt up, and Marlena raised her arms giving herself up to him as he pulled it off her. She sighed, when her panties were drawn down her smooth legs.

But it was when she stepped forward, and pressed her naked body against his, that John broke. His fingers threaded into her hair, tugging at it roughly, and his mouth was on her with a rough, deep, grunt of want. Marlena’s mouth opened to him immediately, and she gasped at the force with which his tongue collided with hers. Their bodies stumbled to the rug in front of the fireplace, unable to take their mouths away from each other as they tripped over their feet. They nearly fell to the floor as their hands and their mouths moved over each other. 

He slid along her body, and he felt his cock lengthen when she slid her moist center along his thigh. John stared at her in awe. “Doc! Doc! Oh… baby…fuck!”

“I love you,” she gasped, biting his jaw roughly. “I love you…”

He fell back onto the carpet as she lifted her body above him, and he felt more tears slip from his eyes, “You can’t love me.”

“Don’t tell me what I can do, John Black.” She straddled his body, staring down at him. “I love you, and you love me. Tell me. Tell me, John.”

He stared up at her, his eyes fluttering helplessly as she slid her slick heat along his length, pressing his cock into his abdomen. His body arched, and his head rolled back. The sensations overwhelmed him, as he gasped, “I love you.”

Lifting her body aloft, she rested on her palms, and leaned forward allowing her breasts to rub across John’s chest, kissing him languidly. “That’s a fact. You love me. You love me. You love me.”

Marlena lined John’s cock up with her entrance, and slid down on his turgid length, allowing him to stretch and fill her up. His fingers dug into her hips, fighting the impulse to pull her down on him forcefully. Every muscle was shaking. “Fuck! Doc… please, please!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I’m bound by the life you left behind

Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Without preamble, she took him deep, so fast and forcefully, that they both screamed into the silent cabin. John’s hips bucked, and pushed up even harder, desperate to feel her. Wrapping his arm around her waist, he lifted her body as if she weighed nothing, and he rolled her over. Resting his weight on her, he gasped trying to get control of his treacherous body. His muscles continued to spasm, and he buried his face in her neck biting at her tender flesh with his teeth. 

Marlena felt his tears on her skin, hot and wet, and hers flowed down over her cheeks and down the column of her neck to join them. It was the culmination of months of yearning, and it was heart wrenching at the same time. She didn’t know where they would go from there, but she’d ask for that night, and he was giving it to her. Lacing her fingers through his hair, she pulled his mouth back to hers, “Move… I want to feel you move.”

“I won’t last long,” he whispered. “I’m barely hanging on right now.”

“John, I’m already there. I’m so close… so close…” Her back arched, and her breasts lifted. John leaned over her, his arms trembling from the force it took him to control himself, and he leaned forward, biting her neck again roughly. Marlena cried out his name, as the sting from his mouth on her skin set every nerve on fire. “Please! More!”

His lips trailed down to her collarbone, placing light kisses until he reached the top of her breast, and he sucked at her tender flesh again, desperate to mark her as his… even though she wasn’t. “Fuck! Doc… your fucking skin… your scent…” Another kiss on her sternum, as he pulled his hips back, and thrust into her with a roar.

She wanted to rake her nails across his skin. She wanted to take his flesh in her mouth, making him ache the way he had her throbbing. But she didn’t. Her fingers clenched in the soft white rug beneath her, and her lips parted gasping and calling out his name. She didn’t mark him physically. But his soul was branded with a permanent impression of her. His mind was burned with the image of her body bowed beneath him, her hair spread around her like a halo of honey. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I’m bound by the life you left behind

Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Harder,” she whispered. “John, please!”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, resting his face on the curve of her neck. His hips had stopped thrusting as he tried to calm himself down. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Please?” she asked him as she started crying again. “Tomorrow when we go back to Salem… when you leave for Italy… I want to feel the ache in my muscles… I’ll want to know that this night was real. Every time I move, every time I roll over in bed… I want to remember.”

Lifting his head he stared down at her. He leaned forward, and kissed her tears away, slowly licking over her skin. “I have never, and will never love someone the way I love you.”

She could barely speak, but she was able to whisper, “Make me feel you.”

He slipped his arms under her shoulders as he sat up on his haunches. Lifting her against him, he pushed into her body almost violently. Her nipples rubbed against his chest. Her clit ground into him. John sucked at her neck, and her shoulders determined to leave evidence of his every touch. Over and over again until they both exploded in a supernova that melded their souls together forever.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears

When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: My Immortal – Evanescence 

Chapter 35 – Back To You

February 18, 1993

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Took you like a shot

Thought that I could chase you with the cold evening

Let a couple years water down how I’m feeling about you

And every time we talk

Every single word built up to this moment

And I gotta convince myself I don’t want it

Even though I do

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The elevator doors opened, and Marlena ran off, almost colliding with Mike Horton. He stared down at her with a wide smile, “Whoa! Where are you going so fast?”

“Carrie’s here,” she said. “She was attacked after work. Abe called me.”

Tom Horton came around the corner, “Marlena, she’s this way. Follow me.”

Relief coursed through her body, and she barely spared Mike a backwards glance, as she turned on her heel following Tom back around the corner. Breathlessly she asked, “Is she okay? Are the police still here?”

“Abe was with her, but after he finished questioning her, he left just as John was arriving,” Tom told her, stopping outside of Carrie’s hospital room. “John’s with her now.”

Marlena stopped in her tracks, closing her eyes briefly. Could she face him? She hadn’t seen him in weeks, and she wasn’t sure she was ready. “Thank you, Tom. I just need a moment.”

The cold wind blowing up off of the lake made Marlena shiver. John wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into the shelter of his shoulder, “Come here, Doc.”

Another tear slipped from her eye, and she wiped at it roughly. What was going to happen to them? The night before had been everything she wanted, but in the harsh light of morning she almost regretted it. 

“We’ll figure this out,” he whispered in her ear as the ferry neared the pier. “I need some time… to speak with Isabella, but we’ll figure it out.”

She couldn’t say anything, but she turned into his embrace, and rested her cheek on his chest. Her hands slipped inside his jacket, and she breathed him in. It seemed too easy. She was afraid to hope.

She stood outside Carrie’s door, and looked through the small window. John was seated on a stool next to Carrie’s bed. Her hand rested in his, while his other hand brushed stray strands of blonde hair away from her sleeping face. Marlena took a deep breath. Could she do this? Could she go in that room, and focus only on Carrie? Because ignoring her pain was going to be the real issue.

“Doc, please,” John pleaded. “I just need some time. Don’y give up on me.”

“You said that a week ago, John!” Marlena cried into the telephone. He was making excuses and she was tired of excuses. “I don’t understand! I thought when we were at the cabin you’d decided–”

“–I haven’t changed my mind! It’s just that Victor is ill, and Isabella is upset–”

“–When, John?” Marlena felt herself dying day by day. “When will it ever be the right time?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I just need some time.”

She opened the door, and stepped inside. John felt her, before he saw her. Turning himself to look at her, he smiled wanly. Her hair was pulled up, with soft tendrils framing her face. She was in her usual attire of jeans and a sweater, but the sweater had a pale pink and white checked pattern. Over that, she wore his peacoat. His gut clenched with emotion. She’d used a rosy gloss on her lips, but was otherwise wearing no makeup. She was absolutely beautiful in the most minimalistic way.

“What happened?” Marlena asked, shrugging out of John’s old peacoat. “Abe said she was attacked… but do we know why?”

“Carlos Torres sent someone after her,” he replied in a choked voice. He was gutted. He’d gotten guards for the house, and for Marlena thinking that Torres wouldn’t target the children. He fucked up.

Marlena watched him. It was obvious that John was blaming himself. He often did that, as if he had the ability to see the future, but he’d done everything he could have done to keep their family safe. She whispered, “It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t lie to me, Doc. I did the same fucking thing Roman did when he left town, and Raffi Torres sent that man after you. I underestimated Carlos Torres.” He turned back towards Carrie, stroking his fingers across her bruised face. “She’s sleeping now, but she has a concussion. I have security on the way. Someone will be on this door night and day until she’s released, and then I will have a guard with her when she leaves the house.”

She went to sit on the other side of Carrie’s bed, staring at John. “We can’t keep living like this, John.”

“I will do whatever I have to do to protect my family,” he told her quietly. She wasn’t talking about her safety or the safety of the children. She was talking about the two of them, but he couldn’t have that conversation right then.

“Why are you here?” she asked him softly.

“Because, Carrie is my daughter,” he told her. He knew things were unsettled between him and Marlena. He’d left Smith Island on the ferry with her and he’d had every intention of telling Isabella the truth of what he’d done the night before. He’d been unfaithful to Isabella… again. Instead he’d gotten back to the loft to learn that Victor had suffered a stroke. 

“You spent the night with her on Smith Island while I was with my father! He had a stroke, John! He could die, and when I needed you… when I needed you, you were out there with Marlena!” Isabella screamed.

The guilt almost ended him. Her eyes were swollen, as if she had been crying all night. Victor was in the hospital in a coma. She studied him with a keen eye, and John knew she suspected what he’d done, but she said nothing about it. Nothing, and that seemed worse than if she had asked him outright.

Marlena watched John with wary eyes, before she said sadly, “You can go. I’m here, and I’m sure Isabella needs you.”

“I’m here. Isabella knows I’m here,” he said. “I’m not leaving.”

Marlena wanted to be snarky. She wanted to be sarcastic, and caustic. She wanted to scream, cry, and demand that he leave. She didn’t need him, so he should leave. But Carrie was his daughter. Not biologically, but he’d raised her. He had the right to be there, even if Marlena’s heart and soul were on the verge of destruction.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We never got it right

Playing and replaying old conversations

Overthinking every word

And I hate it ‘cause it’s not me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She didn’t know what to say. The silence in the room was almost deafening. There was nothing she could really do. In a game of chess, it was John’s move.

“Doc,” he said softly. He saw the heartbreak in her eyes. She stood up, and walked over to the window, staring out at the night sky. “Baby, don’t do this.”

“What would you like me to do?” she asked, turning to look at him. She leaned back against the window, and crossed her arms. “You were the one who said we couldn’t do this. You said we couldn’t live in the same town and engage in idle chit chat. What would you call this, John? Because I would call this…” She gestured between them, “I would call this ignoring the elephant in the room.”

He was quiet for a long time. She was right, and he was a coward. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? Sorry?” Her voice was so choked with emotion she could barely speak. “I wake up every night, and stare out my window, and all I see is your face!” She wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. She was so sick of crying. “I’ve taken everything at the lakehouse that reminds me of you, and I’ve hidden it away. Everything… but you’re still there.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. She wasn’t describing anything he didn’t understand. He’d woken up nearly every night, missing her… craving her. Then there were the dreams of their night in the cabin. His hands pushing her thighs wide. His tongue lapping over her sex, while she pushed her hips towards his mouth. The sound of her cries, and the softness of her skin. John almost moaned as an image of her mouth on his cock as she knelt on the rug before the fireplace flashed in his memory.

He was suffering, but he loved Isabella too. Not in the same, intense, all consuming way he loved Marlena, but he did care about her, and the hurt on her face when he’d come home the following morning, nearly ended him. He couldn’t leave her while her father was sick. When she had needed him the most, he was making love to Marlena. He felt like Sisyphus, and his guilt was the boulder. He stared at Marlena, feeling the tears leave his eyes, and again, he whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

Marlena’s voice was choked with emotion. “Not only can I see your face… but I can hear you talking to me… I can feel your arms around me, and I can feel your body close to mine.”

The imagery caused a physical reaction, and he couldn’t stop the small gasp that escaped him, “Doc!”

“Yes!” she said more loudly, watching John lay Carrie’s hand on the bed, and slowly walk towards her. Her eyes followed him as he neared. “And I can’t forget making love to you, anymore than I can forget loving you.” Her chest shuddered as she said, “When I see you, it takes every ounce of strength that I have to keep myself from running into your arms everytime I see you. I know I asked for one night, but now that I’ve had it… I wish you’d never come to the island.”

“Please don’t say that. I know this is unfair to you,” he whispered. “But I’m not giving up on us.”

“How long do you expect me to wait?” she asked him, turning to look back out the window. “How long do you expect me to hurt like this?”

He pressed his body against her back, brushing her hair over her shoulder. Leaning forward slightly, his moist lips kissed the sensitive curve where her shoulder sloped up and became her neck. Marlena couldn’t suppress the shiver that coursed through her. She felt his large palm settle on her hip, and she closed her eyes as his soft breath wafted over her ear. “I never wanted to hurt you… but this is going to destroy Isabella. Telling her that I want a life with you… and telling her that I made a mistake is– I just need time. Please, Marlena… let me find a way to do this that doesn’t completely break her. I already fucked up with Danielle… I want you.” He kissed her neck gently. “I love you. I love you so much I ache from it. This deep, painful ache that never goes away.” 

Marlena lifted her face up, glancing back at him. The sadness in his eyes was difficult for her to see. The traits that she admired in him the most – loyalty, compassion, humility, generosity – were the traits that were holding him back. They were the traits that drove him to end his marriage to Isabella with as little pain as possible, but Marlena wasn’t sure he would be able to do it.

“But, we can’t be together again, until I do this the right way. I have to be honest with Isabella. I have to try to explain to her how I’m feeling.”

Marlena turned in his arms, stroking her hand along his jaw, “I don’t believe we can stay away from each other. Don’t you get it?” She stared into his deep indigo eyes for a moment, “Yeah, you get it. You can deny it, but you get it. This thing between us… it’s inevitable. If it wasn’t the Horton Cabin, it would have been somewhere else.” Tipping herself up on her toes, she whispered against his lips, “Just like it’s inevitable that we’ll be together again.”

John groaned, clenching his fist in the hem of her soft sweater. “Doc…”

“I just can’t believe that you can ignore these feelings, but if you can sleep at night without thinking about me, or even dreaming about me…” Her voice trailed off as her fingers tugged at his hair.

He felt himself leaning into her. The seductive tone of her voice drew him closer. “Doc, I dream about you every night. I lay awake staring at my ceiling, and I replay that night in the Horton Cabin over and over again.” His lips kissed behind her ear, gently licking the spot with a flick of his tongue.

Her palm slid over the curve of his chest, coming to rest over his heart, “What we have isn’t going to go away. Sooner or later, Isabella is going to find out, and it will be better coming from you. You know that.”

“I’m going to tell her. I am… I’m just finding it hard to do it when she’s dealing with Victor’s stroke. It feels heartless.” He closed his eyes, and rested his cheek on the top of Marlena’s head where she laid against his chest. “I made mistakes, but doing this… it’s going to hurt her so much, Doc.”

“You love me,” she whispered.

“I love her too,” he said softly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And what’s the point in hiding?

Everybody knows we got unfinished business

And I’ll regret it if I didn’t say this isn’t what it could be

(Isn’t what it could be)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella and John Black Loft

It was nearly midnight when John entered the loft. Isabella looked up from where she sat on the couch, and they both watched each other with wary eyes. “I thought you’d be asleep,” he said, removing his coat, and placing his wallet and keys on the table by the door.

“How is Carrie?” she asked, placing the magazine to the side.

“She’s going to recover. She has a concussion,” he told her. “Dr. Horton said he’s going to keep her for a few days for observation, and I was able to get a security detail in place to watch her room.”

“A security detail? Do you really think that’s necessary?” Isabella couldn’t help but feel frustrated with John’s recent spending. He’d paid Marlena’s medical bills. He’d purchased her house, and paid her living expenses. He’d also paid for her security, as well as Eric’s hospital bill from when he broke his leg. Now this.

John didn’t want to argue, but he couldn’t believe that Isabella would even ask that question. “Carlos Torres sent someone after her, in order to hurt Roman. Yes, I do think it’s necessary. She could have been killed tonight.”

“I just feel like Roman should be here taking care of his own family,” she said, standing up.

“But he’s not, is he?” John walked towards the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet. He was exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed. He poured himself a shot, and quickly drank it down. “I take care of my family, Izzy-B. Carrie is part of that family.”

“Is Marlena part of that family?” she asked abruptly.

John stared at her for several beats before he said, “Yes. She is. She’s the mother of Carrie, Sami, and Eric–”

“–she’s not Carrie’s mother,” Isabella interjected.

John poured himself another shot. “She is more Carrie’s mother than Anna is.”

“John, when is this going to stop?” Isabella stood on the other side of the kitchen island, staring at him for a moment. As much as she loved him she wasn’t sure that she could continue like this. “We were planning to move to Italy, but now my father is sick. That doesn’t mean I want you to continue running to Marlena’s rescue every time she calls. That’s why we were leaving. To focus on us, and focus on our family.”

“Abe called me, and Carrie is and always will be my daughter! And as much as you wish it wasn’t true, Marlena will always be my family too. Nothing will change that,” he said. These arguments were becoming redundant.

“Don’t you see what she’s doing?” Isabella cried loudly. “She’s intentionally trying to steal you away from me. Her amnesia is just an excuse! She’s always wanted you!”

John couldn’t understand why Isabella seemed to hate Marlena so much. “What has she ever done to you? Tell me, Izzy-B! What has she done to hurt you, or hurt Brady? What has she ever said to you that was unkind, or nasty?”

Nothing. Isabella couldn’t think of a single instance when Marlena had been blatantly rude or disrespectful to her. She didn’t have an answer, so she became defensive. “Are you serious right now?”

“You were the one who went to her hospital room, even after I asked you not to, and even after Marcus explained to you how detrimental that could be. You went anyway, and you set back her progress by weeks!” John poured himself another shot of whiskey. His anger had been building up for months, and Isabella’s constant jealousy was wearing thin. “I wanted this marriage to work, Isabella. I did, but at every turn you are so consumed with jealousy. It’s as if we take three steps forward, and then two and a half steps backward. For fucks sake, you ask me to give up my kids!”

Isabella watched him drink his third shot of whiskey. “You’re upset because I’m trying to fight for what’s mine?”

“What’s yours?” he asked. “Isabella, this family… me… our son… we are not possessions. You confronted her at the courthouse!”

Her eyes widened. He’d told her that Marlena hadn’t said what they discussed. He’d lied. “I thought you said–”

“Marlena told me. She told me about the whole conversation, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. And then you confronted her at the hospital when Eric broke his leg!” John stared at the whiskey bottle, wanting one more shot to take the edge off. “Why would you do that?”

“I love you!” she cried helplessly.

“It doesn’t feel like love,” he said, giving in, and pouring himself another nip of whiskey. “It feels like control.”

She lost control, screaming, “And you think I don’t have a right to feel insecure? We were engaged, and your wife returned from the dead, and suddenly you didn’t know who you wanted! You pushed me to the side! Would you have picked me if I wasn’t pregnant with Brady? Would you have picked me if Roman hadn’t come back?”

John didn’t say anything. He knew he should have been honest about his feelings from the beginning, so in that respect, she was right. He hadn’t picked her. All he could think about were the birth control pills he’d found in the trash can. “When did you throw away your birth control?”

Suddenly, she deflated, “What?”

John swallowed down the whiskey he’d poured, and he rounded the island to stand in front of her. Staring down at her guilty face, he said, “You heard me. I found them in the trash this morning, so when did you throw them away? You stopped taking them?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“When?” John demanded.

“A few days before we went to Green Mountain Lodge,” she said quietly, feeling sick to her stomach.

“You want to talk about trust, Isabella? Don’t you think that was something we should discuss?” He stared at her incredulously. “You decided on your own to throw away those pills. Why?”

At that precise moment, Brady let out a wail, and Isabella almost sighed with relief. Taking a deep breath, she said, “I’m going to check on Brady.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wanna hold you when I’m not supposed to

When I’m lying close to someone else

You’re stuck in my head

And I can’t get you out of it

If I could do it all again

I know I’d go back to you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Back To You – Emma Heesters

Chapter 36 – Dress

February 26, 1993

Salem University Hospital

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Our secret moments in a crowded room

They got no idea about me and you

There’s an indentation in the shape of you

Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John had given Marlena an account with a credit card for use for personal items. She’d tried not to use it for unnecessary things, although initially she’d purchased some clothing that was more casual than her usual attire. Since then, she’d used it for the twins, and Carrie, household items and groceries, but as she stared at the dress on the rack in Nordstrom’s her resolve was tested. She had evening dresses. She certainly didn’t need a new one, but the one before her was appealing for several reasons. The first reason was purely aesthetic. It was beautiful. A deep, iridescent purple, with a ruched bodice, and a long flowing skirt – it was the perfect dress. The second reason, Marlena knew that it would look amazing on her. The color was perfect for her skin tone and her hair, and she had the perfect shade of lipstick to go with it. Then there was the third reason, the reason that kept her from purchasing it – her ulterior motive. Although she had agreed to attend the hospital benefit at the Salem Opera House with Mike Horton, Marlena was well aware that John would be attending with Isabella. She’d never considered herself a seductress, but if she was being honest with herself, she wanted John to be wowed. She wanted him to be at the benefit with Isabella on his arm, and she wanted him to want her – and that was the wrong reason to buy that dress.

Behind her, Marlena heard a sales woman say softly, “That dress is amazing isn’t it? I’ve been eyeing it for days, but I have nowhere to go in it… unless you count Chuck E. Cheese.”

Marlena laughed lightly, “I still have those days.” Her fingers ran lightly over the fabric. He mere idea of John watching her across the room tonight was enough to tempt her, for all of the wrong reasons. “I’m not sure… but it is beautiful.”

“If you need a dress, I think this is the one for you. You would absolutely glow in this,” the woman whispered wistfully. “Every man in the room would have his eyes on you.”

Marlena felt a warmth inside her. Every man in the room. She only wanted one man’s eyes on her. Her decision was made, she said, “I’m going to buy it. I have an event– I’m going to wear it to a gala tonight.”

“Are you trying to catch anyone’s eye?” the woman asked her with a teasing glint in her eye, while lifting the dress from the rack.

“Perhaps,” Marlena told her, following her to the register. As she pulled the credit card out of her handbag, she decided she needed to get her hair done too.

She finished her transaction, and she, carrying her garment bag, walked out of the store lost to a memory of her conversation with Mike the day before.

“I don’t want to accept your invitation, and give you false hope, Mike. This can’t go anywhere beyond friendship. I still have very strong feelings for John, and although I tried… it’s simply not working,” she said quietly. “It’s unfair to you.”

Mike stood in her doorway, staring down at her with sad eyes, “I understand. I know the last few years have been hard for you.” He waited a beat, and then said with his characteristic grin, “But… you can still come as my friend. There’s nothing wrong with a night on the town is there?”

She laughed, “No, I guess not.”

“Then, I’ll pick you up at 7:30 tomorrow. How does that sound?” he asked her.

“7:30…” Marlena sighed softly. “As friends?”

“As friends,” he repeated.

“Okay…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation

My hands are shaking from holding back from you, ah, ah, ah

All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting

My hands are shaking from all this, ah, ah, ah, ah

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena stood before her bathroom mirror in a nude, strapless, satin basque. It pushed her breasts high, and it cinched her waist. She watched her hands slide over her body as she stared at her image in the mirror. Her make-up was done. Her hair was done. Soft, honey colored curls framed her face, and while it was perfect, she found herself questioning what she was doing. This was different from their other encounters. She was intentionally trying to draw him in. This was a planned seduction. It wasn’t an unexpected make out session on her couch, or a surprise kiss in her mudroom, and this certainly wasn’t an emotional encounter at the Horton Cabin. This was deliberate. She wanted John’s eyes on her, and she wanted him questioning his choices. The idea of his eyes following her around the room at the benefit made her abdomen quiver. In truth there was a small part of herself that wanted him to feel as torn, and angst ridden as she felt. 

She ran her fingers over her hair thinking maybe she’d gone too far in recreating the hairstyle…

The fire burned in the hearth, casting a soft, warm, glow over the two naked bodies entwined on the floor. He sighed, smiling up at Marlena with deep blue eyes, as she slid up his body. “I love your hair like this,” he whispered in a husky voice, touching her hair with affection. “Soft curls that I can bury my hands in…”

Leaning down, she kissed him softly. She reached for the bowl of strawberries beside her, and selected one. Lifting it to his mouth, she watched in fascination as his lips parted in anticipation. She dropped it inside, and immediately placed her finger on his lips to stall him. She scooped up whipped cream with three fingers, and placed some in his mouth, while smearing the rest over his lips. John’s hips bucked slightly, watching her lick the remaining cream from her fingers. He had no control over his body when he was with her. It was almost fucking spiritual. When her fingers were clean, she leaned against him, allowing him to feel her breasts rub over his chest while she settled her weight against him. She watched John’s rapid intake of breath. “I love you,” she whispered softly. And then she licked across his lips with a soft hum. “I love you so much, Roman.”

His arm slipped around her waist, pulling her roughly against him with a grunt, and she continued to lap and nip at his mouth. Pulling her leg up over his hip, he pushed his cock back inside her easily. “Fuck, baby… you feel so good.” He pulled out, pushing in again, murmuring, “So fucking good…”

“Roman!” she cried. “Oh, G-d! Roman!”

Marlena stared at herself in the mirror, leaning against the edge of the vanity with anxiety. What was she doing? Her breath was coming in choppy, gasping pants. She closed her eyes. She could still feel John’s fingers laced in her hair, pulling her mouth down to his. She could still feel his hot breath wafting across her lips. Standing up, she ran her palms over the slick fabric of her basque, and took a deep, calming breath. She was starting to question every decision she was making for that night. Double-checking her makeup one last time, Marlena exited the bathroom, and glanced at the clock. It was too late to change the plan, it was already 7:15. Mike would be there in fifteen minutes.

Another deep breath, as she stood at the end of her bed, staring down at the dress that had started the whole thing. That dress would be the end of her. Her fingers brushed across the fabric, and then her hand dropped. It was too late. It would be that dress. She didn’t have time to change her makeup. She rounded the bed, sitting on the side, and reached beside her for her lace topped thigh high stockings, and leaned forward, slipping first one, then the other up her long legs. She couldn’t help imagining John’s hand pushing underneath her dress, or his palm sliding slowly along her thigh. Marlena’s body shook in anticipation. She stood up quickly, telling herself, “Stop this nonsense! You can’t keep doing this!”

She stared down at the dress laid out over the end of her bed. Lifting it before her, she took a deep breath, and then lowered it to the floor so that she could step into it. She wasn’t sure if the way she was feeling was guilt or nerves. Very likely it was a combination of the two. Her body shivered as the cool fabric brushed across her skin, and up the length of her body. Turning at the waist, Marlena reached for the hidden zipper along the left side, and started pulling it up. The rasp filled the quiet room. 

A soft knock sounded on her bedroom door, followed by Carrie’s gentle voice, “Marlena? Can I come in?”

She fumbled with the hook and eye closure on her dress, and called out absently, “Yes.” When Carrie opened the door, Marlena lifted her arm, and turned towards her, “Can you fasten the hook? I can’t manage it.”

Carrie stared at her in awe. “Your dress! It’s beautiful!” Carrie gushed. Stepping closer, she ran her fingers over the skirt, “You look amazing.”

Marlena felt the heat rise to her neck at Carrie’s praise. Once Carrie had fastened the hook on Marlena’s dress she stepped back. Marlena smiled, “Is Mike here?”

Carrie gave her a teasing grin, “He knows he’s early. He can wait.” She stared at Marlena feeling sadness for what she must be going through. It was obvious that the dress was for John. 

Marlena laughed at what Carrie had said, “Caroline Anna Brady!” She turned to face the full length mirror and nervously smoothed her palms over the fabric of her skirt.

Watching the woman she considered her mother stand before the mirror, Carrie approached her, watching her intently. Marlena was nervous, but that nervousness had nothing to do with the man waiting downstairs. Coming to stand behind her, Carrie asked softly, “Is Dad going to be there?”

Marlena wasn’t sure what to say, or exactly how to respond, so she stayed silent. 

“He’s going to be wowed,” Carrie told her. She circled Marlena, and placed her small hand on her arm. “He’s going to notice.”

Marlena’s eyes filled with tears. She was too obvious. She shouldn’t want him so much, but the thought of living without him was heartbreaking. She nodded her head in acknowledgement of what Carrie had said. John would notice, and she felt guilty for wanting that attention.

“He loves you,” Carrie whispered, resting her chin on Marlena’s shoulder while staring at their reflection in the mirror. “I know he does.”

“Carrie… he’s married,” Marlena cried softly.

“It should never have happened. The decisions the two of you made in Mexico… when you came home… you should have been with Dad, not Roman, and Dad – he could have loved Brady without marrying Isabella. And now, everyone is so unhappy, it would have been better if you and Dad came home together.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Say my name and everything just stops

I don’t want you like a best friend

Only bought this dress so you could take it off

Take it off, ha, ha, ha

Carve your name into my bedpost

‘Cause I don’t want you like a best friend

Only bought this dress so you could take it off

Take it off, ha, ha, ha

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Isabella and John Black Loft

Isabella stared at John incredulously as he stood in their bedroom with a bath towel slung low around his waist. “I can’t believe that you are going to do this!”

“Izzy-B, we made a commitment, and EcoSystems has already promised a sizable donation. One of us has to attend,” he told her. “You can go, and I can stay with Brady–”

“–you know I don’t have enough time to get ready!” she cried, feeling rising anxiety knowing that Marlena would be there. Marcus had told her earlier that Marlena was attending the hospital benefit with Mike. She had immediately decided that Brady’s illness, a slight cold, warranted them both staying home with him, but she certainly hadn’t planned for John to go without her. She’d wrongly assumed he would stay home as well. 

John walked into their closet, and came out with his tuxedo in hand. He was really going to do this. He was going to go without her. Isabella scrambled to stop him, “I think they would understand why we missed the gala if our baby is sick!”

“It’s a cold, Isabella! Sami and Eric got them all the time when they were little. It’s not the end of the world. I’m more concerned that you decided we both weren’t going, and didn’t even discuss it with me. I would have told you not to cancel the babysitter, and I would have reassured you that Brady will be fine.” He unzipped the garment bag, and then stopped to stare at her, “You say you want me invested in this company, and then you do this? Skipping this event would look bad for EcoSystems. I have to go.”

Her whole plan had backfired in her face, and Marcus had warned her that it might. Then he’d kissed her again, and as guilty as she felt, she hadn’t stopped him. John still hadn’t made love to her since finding out about the birth control pills. He’d told her he wasn’t sure he was ready for another child so soon after Brady. She’d reluctantly restarted her birth control pills, but John had expressed some concern about trust. Letting Marcus kiss her was the closest she’d come to physical affection since the beginning of February. John would kiss her temple or her cheek affectionately, but they hadn’t made love, and he certainly hadn’t kissed her in that toe-curling way she craved so much.

She’d gambled and she’d lost. John was going to go to the hospital benefit, and she would be staying behind. Marlena would be there with Mike, and all she could hope for was that Mike stuck to her like glue, because she certainly didn’t trust her husband to stay away from her. Turning on her heel, she sighed loudly, and walked out.

John knew what she’d tried to do, and he resented her for it. As much as she was trying to keep him away from Marlena, her lies, and her deceit were pushing him towards her. He sat heavily on the end of the bed, and started pulling on his black dress socks. He would have to keep his distance from Marlena, until he figured out how to end his marriage to Isabella. Victor was still ill, and he’d been moved to a long term care facility. Within days of the move, Isabella was pushing for the move to Italy, and John had refused. He couldn’t do it. Not after the way Eric had reacted the night of the blizzard. It nearly broke his heart. Telling Isabella they weren’t moving led to their loudest and longest argument. All John could be grateful for was that Brady was with Caroline and Shawn when it happened.

He’d been thinking about what Dr. Baker had said to him weeks earlier. What was Brady’s quality of life like in a home filled with arguing and constant tension. Maybe staying married was actually a disservice to his son. All John could be certain of was that he planned to ask Isabella for a divorce, he needed to decide when.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Inescapable, I’m not even gonna try

And if I get burned, at least we were electrified

I’m spilling wine in the bathtub

You kiss my face and we’re both drunk

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Salem Opera House

The Salem Opera House had been decorated in the spirit of one of the more tragic operas, Rusalka. Marlena stared around with wide eyes when she entered the ballroom on Mike’s arm. Silvers, blues, and grays combined with large paper waterlilies and the hanging branches of trees. It was beautiful, and it was heartbreaking. She had seen Rusalka with John, years earlier, when they had believed he was Roman. Marlena remembered crying, and she recalled the way John had wiped her tears from her face, and whispered soft words to her. She blinked a few times, trying to stave off the tears, and she caught Mike smiling down at her.

“Are you crying?” he asked her, pulling her to the side so they didn’t block the flow of people into the ballroom.

“The theme,” she said softly. “I didn’t realize it was Rusalka.”

“Ah, so you like the opera?” he asked. “I’m more of a beer and football type of guy.”

Marlena chuckled, “I love the opera, and John used to take me, even though I’m almost certain it bored him silly. This particular opera is about a water-nymph named Rusalka. The story is very similar to Hans Christian Anderson’s The Little Mermaid. She falls in love with a prince, and she’s turned into a human to try and win his love, but there are conditions. She can’t speak, and he must remain true to her. But there are people whispering in his ear, and he is convinced to reject her. In her pain and suffering, she breaks her silence, telling him about the witch’s curse. He kisses her, but it’s too late. The prince dies, and Rusalka must return to the water.”

Mike wipes more tears from her face, and whispers with a slight smirk, “That sounds awful.”

Marlena slaps his arm, “Mike Horton, take that back!”

“It does!” he claims loudly with a laugh. “It sounds horribly sad, and why would someone want to watch that?”

“It’s romantic,” she said, touching her cheeks and realizing her face was hot. Glancing around, she said, “I’m going to need to use the ladies room. I feel like my make-up is a mess.”

“You’re beautiful,” he told her, leaning forward and kissing her softly on the cheek.

“I’ll meet you inside,” she said.

John watched it all from where he was frozen near the elevator. He shouldn’t be jealous at all, but watching Mike comfort her, watching the pads of his thumbs stroke across her cheeks with such familiarity – he wanted to stride across the room, and pull her out of the other man’s arms. Instead he seethed inside watching Mike kiss her before she turned to enter the ladies room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Everyone thinks that they know us

But they know nothing about

All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation

My hands are shaking from holding back from you, ah, ah, ah

All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting

My hands are shaking from all this, ah, ah, ah, ah

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena had been uneasy all evening, and it had started as soon as John Black had entered the ballroom. Mike knew that Marlena had feelings for him, and he knew that Marlena had placed their relationship firmly in the friend zone, but that didn’t mean that he wanted to see her hurt, and anything involving a married man would only lead to hurt. She’d excused herself yet again to go to the ladies room, and this time Mike watched surreptitiously as John Black placed his champagne flute on a nearby table, and followed her less than two minutes later. 

By the time Mike exited the ballroom, he was left to watch as John’s fingers laced through Marlena’s and he led her down the hallway towards the elevators. Wanting to make sure she was okay, he followed.

“I thought we couldn’t be alone together,” she said quietly.

John didn’t have a response. Seeing her with Mike had driven him to break his own rule. “I just wanted to speak to you privately.”

Marlena stopped suddenly, “Talk about what?” 

He stepped closer, brushing the back of his knuckles across her face gently, “You look beautiful tonight, Doc… and your hair, it makes me think about…”

“What, John? It makes you think about what?” she asked seductively.

He stared at her for a moment, realizing she styled her hair that way on purpose. A less than subtle reminder of a night they’d spent together in front of the fireplace while the children were with Shawn and Caroline. John’s chest tightened with desire. This was dangerous. Being alone with her was dangerous, but the way those amber eyes pulled at his in the gloomy hallway, and the way her scent enveloped him. He glanced around, making sure they were alone. His fingers played with a curl hanging at her shoulder, and he rasped out, “Doc… did you do it on purpose?”

She stepped closer, her body almost flush with his, “Does it make you think about that night in front of the fire?”

He swallowed thickly, “Yes.”

Reaching behind her, she hit the elevator button, and reached for John’s hand. He allowed her to pull him into the dimly lit antique elevator, and he stood motionless as he heard the doors slide closed. They were alone together, and that was so fucking dangerous.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Say my name and everything just stops

I don’t want you like a best friend

Only bought this dress so you could take it off

Take it off, ah, ah, ah

Carve your name into my bedpost

‘Cause I don’t want you like a best friend

Only bought this dress so you could take it off

Take it off, ah, ah

Only bought this dress so you take it off

Only bought this dress so you could take it off

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The elevator doors opened when they reached the basement, and it was immediately obvious that there was construction going on. Marlena stepped from the elevator into the dim hallway, and John said, “Doc?”

She didn’t reply, and he was so entranced that he followed her without another word. She started talking, and her voice trailed over her shoulder as she walked. “The old opera houses have lounges in the basement. During intermissions the men would go to the men’s lounge for a drink and perhaps a cigar… the women went to ladies lounges to gossip or freshen their make-up… to chat.”

John whispered into the silence, feeling his body begin to shake with arousal, “Is that what we’re doing down here, Doc? Chatting?”

She didn’t answer him, and he didn’t inquire further. No matter where she led him, he would follow. He loved her so much that when he was with her he questioned what was holding him back from making the choice he needed to make, and then he would see Isabella, and think about Brady. It caused him to doubt everything. But, watching her with Mike, no matter how innocuous it was, burned in his gut like acid. He didn’t want Mike kissing her. He didn’t want Mike wiping away her tears. It had been the same when she’d briefly dated Marcus.

Marlena pushed the door of the ladies lounge open slowly, flipping the switch that turned on the newly installed soft recessed lighting around the edge of the room. “They’ve been remodeling down here. I believe the men’s lounge is done–”

“–how did you know about this?” he asked her in awe.

She looked around the room, taking in the smell of fresh paint. “There was an article in The Spectator. It had photographs from when the Salem Opera House first opened, and it discussed their plans to update these rooms, since they’ve been unused for years.” She sighed, reaching out to run her fingers over the canvas drop cloth laid over the furniture. “I really wish they’d kept the original look.”

John glanced around the room, taking in the cream walls, and the crown molding. Marlena made her way back towards him, taking his hand again. She immediately felt her anxiety lessen as a result of his touch. “I was hoping we could talk without interruption down here.” 

John watched her warily. He didn’t trust himself to be alone with her. Her eyes were too intense, and her floral scent pulled at memories long past. If he closed his eyes, he could picture himself pressing her warm body against the wall, and kissing a path along her collarbone. He could imagine her soft gasps, and panting breaths begging him for more. Being alone with her in the basement of the opera house was probably the worst place he could be. 

She looked up at him, touching his face gently with her free hand. She wasn’t sure where to begin – how to get him to understand that when she was with him, she was light, and she was joy, but without him she felt like a dying star poised on the edge of destruction. Her thumb rubbed over his palm. “What do you know about zen?”

He was caught off guard by her question, “About what?”

She turned to face him, still holding his hand in hers. “About zen… as in buddhism. It’s very complicated, yet it’s very simple at the same time.”

She was absolutely beautiful. It didn’t matter that they were standing in a partially renovated room in the basement of the opera house. All that mattered was the way her dress looked against her skin, and the way her curls framed her face. After all of the fighting with Isabella and the constant tension in his home, finding himself alone with Marlena had his body relaxing. The tension drained from his shoulders. Her voice and the way her eyes held his created another kind of tension, and he craved it. He wanted to drown in it and take great gulps as he went down. 

Her seductive voice cut through his daydreams, “There is a story of a man who wanted to know who Buddha was. He asked him, ‘Are you a god?’ Buddha said no. So he asked him, ‘Are you an angel?’ And once again, Buddha said no. So he said, ‘You must be a saint?’ For the third time, Buddha replied no. So, the man said, ‘What are you?’ And Buddha looked at him, and said, ‘I am awake.’ That’s what the word buddha means. Awake. That’s how the whole thing started, with one person who woke up.”

John felt a pull towards her that was so strong he found himself clenching his fists to keep from reaching out. “Why are you telling me this story, Doc?”

“Because, that’s how I feel when I am with you, John.” She watched him struggle with his emotions, and she knew he was fighting the impulse to run and the impulse to reach for her. “Awake! Alive! And nothing, and nobody on this earth makes me feel that way.”

If he didn’t leave, he would reach for her. He turned for the door, “I can’t be in here with you.”

“I know you want to leave, and I’m not going to stop you… but please, John, let me finish what I need to say,” she pleaded. “After my accident… when I came out of my coma, you gave me life again, and if nothing more comes out of this, I want to say thank you. You have taken care of me and my children with such love… thank you.”

Realization dawned as John listened to her soft words. She thought they were over. The way she was speaking had him believing that Marlena was giving up, and that wasn’t what he wanted. John’s fists clenched even harder, as he turned to the side, hiding his face in the shadows. 

Stepping closer, she whispered, “If you want me to leave, I will.” She reached for his face, slowly turning it so that he would be forced to look at her. John glanced down at her, and she felt her abdomen quiver. “Is that what you want?” she asked him softly. Her fingers stroked his chin, and her thumb brushed across his bottom lip, and still John stared at her helplessly, unable to flee and unable to reach for her.

“I mean it, John. I will give you up. I will let you go. If you want me to leave…” Tears welled up in her eyes, and she felt the tell-tale emotional tightening in her throat. “If you want me to leave, I’ll walk out that door, and I’ll stay out of your life.” Her fingers trailed down his neck, and settled on his chest, her palm splayed, as she whispered, “If that’s what you want… Do you want me to go?”

He couldn’t speak, but he couldn’t lose her either. Forcing himself to say something, he said roughly, “No.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Flashback when you met me

Your buzzcut and my hair bleached

Even in my worst time, you could see the best of me

Flashbacks to my mistakes

My rebounds, my earthquakes

Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me

And I woke up just in time

Now I wake up by your side

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

His heart was thundering in his chest, and he knew Marlena could feel it where her hand rested on his chest. She stared up at him with wide hazel eyes, and John covered her hand with his briefly, before he lifted a strand of her hair, studying the way it wrapped around his finger. So many memories. He whispered, “Did you do this on purpose?”

She nodded softly, and then slid her palm up and around the back of his neck. Using the lightest pressure, she pulled him towards her, and allowed her lips to gently play over his. He could physically feel his pulse in his throat as his blood roared in his ears. His body was on fire, and all he could see was Mike wiping her tears from her face, and Mike kissing her cheek. John’s arm wrapped around her waist, and he groaned as the heat of her body came flush with his. This was so wrong, and so fucking dangerous, but he couldn’t let her go. His eyes closed helplessly, as Marlena continued to rub her face against his with light, feathery touches. Her fingers scratched at his scalp, and tugged at his hair roughly. She wanted him to feel her.  She wanted him to remember them. Her soft breath wafted over his mouth smelling of champagne and fruit. Still, she continued to seduce him with soft touches that made him want to roar with frustration.

Marlena almost smiled, but she didn’t. She whispered words of love in his ear. She pulled at his hair, pushing the boundaries of his restraint. She twisted it hard enough to cause his body to tighten in desire, and electrical impulses to travel along his nerves. Her fingers slipped the buttons of his tuxedo jacket open, and she snaked her hand inside almost moaning with the feel of his warmth against her palm. 

John shrugged out of his jacket as she pushed it off of his shoulders, and he didn’t stop her when she draped it over a low table nearby. He was frozen, staring down into her darkened hazel eyes when she pressed her body against his, watching as the curve of her breasts pressed against his chest. Glancing around the room, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to escape or succumb to every desire he had. They were alone. No one would find them down there. And he wanted her so fucking bad he thought he might die from it.

Lifting his hand slowly, he rubbed the pad of his thumb over her bottom lip, and watched as her pupils dilated and her lips parted in arousal. John groaned, “Fuck, Doc… you are so absolutely beautiful tonight.” Leaning forward, he rubbed his cheek alongside hers, whispering roughly, “I want you so badly it hurts. I’m positively aching for you.”

“You can have me.” Without another word, she reached for his bow tie, pulling it free and placing it on top of his jacket. Her small fingers reached for the top button of his starched shirt, slipping the first button free. The hand that was still touching her face, slipped into her hair, and a guttural sound escaped from John’s chest. She was breaking down his walls, like a storm against his resolve. His fist tightened in her silken tresses, and he pulled her forward like a man starving for a taste of her. Marlena’s gasp of desire reverberated through his whole body, and within seconds he had her pushed against the wall. He kissed her, over and over again, he kissed her. Unable to stop for air, unable to separate himself from her, until he had no other choice. But that was all he needed to tip himself over the edge. One taste of her and he was lost, even when he had promised himself it wouldn’t happen again.

Marlena pulled his mouth back down to hers, whispering, “Make love to me, John.”

She pushed his shirt wide, scraping her fingernails across his chest, and he almost roared. “Fuck! Doc!”

“Make love to me,” she whispered, feeling a hot, aching, want fill her up.

He stared down at her, and then turned to the drop cloth covering the sofa next to them. Tugging it quickly off, they both stared at the antique green velvet sofa. It had once been extravagant. Now its armrests were worn, but it had a history, just like he and Marlena had a history. They could stop what they were about to do. They could leave and never look back. Instead John reached for her, saying roughly, “Come here, baby.”

She almost sobbed in relief as she followed him. He hastily finished removing his shirt, tossing it carelessly to the floor near his feet, and she watched with growing desire the entire time, wanting nothing more than his hands on her naked skin, and his mouth on her body. Approaching her, his fingers ran backwards over the curve of her breasts, “So damned pretty…”

He reached underneath her arm, his hands shaking as he unhooked the clasp on her dress. The sound of her zipper descending filled the room, and John’s breath caught in his chest, as her frock slid down her body. She was everything in that moment. Her body was encased in an apricot colored satin basque. The curve of her waist, and the way it hugged her breast – as much as he loved her in it, he wanted it off of her. His palm slid over her hip, cupping her flesh tightly as he skimmed over her.

Marlena panted quietly, “More… John, I need more…”

The satin under his fingertips was sinful, “You’re body in this… I don’t know if I want to worship you, or devour you.”

“Touch me.” Her fingers unfasted the clasp of his slacks, and her hands slid over his hips. “Taste me… bite me… please! But do something, John, because I am dying for you.”

That was all it took. Her eyes stared up at him begging, beseeching, and he was lost completely. Tugging her basque below her breasts, John groaned with pleasure viciously taking her nipple in his mouth. Marlena cried out, her pleasure filled scream reverberating off of the walls of the otherwise silent room. Lifting her to the couch under her arms, he fell over her, biting her jaw in desperation. His lips dragged along her cheek, “I want you so fucking bad… I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep dreaming of you, and craving you, but I do… you invade my thoughts, my dreams… and I either wake up so hard I’m painful, or covered in my own cum.”

Marlena arched into him, her body begging for his touch. John sucked the side of her soft breast into his mouth, and he pushed her basque to her waist. Licking his way down her abdomen, his tongue dipped into her navel, and he bit the thin skin over her hip. As he pushed the basque over her hips, he bit her tender flesh again, before sucking deeply on her soft skin. Her hips bucked, as she cried out, “Fuck!”

“You like that, baby? I swear I will leave my mark all over this body tonight,” he whispered. He forgot everything else. The guilt was gone. He forgot about his wife. Every sense he had was laser pointed on the woman laying beneath him.

She stared at him with glazed eyes when he stood up, removing his socks, and pushing his pants and boxers over his well rounded bottom. His cock was long and engorged, desperate for her, and she reached for him. John stepped closer, needing the relief that her hand would bring. He stood beside her, allowing her to reach up, and wrap her hand around his length. His eyes closed briefly, enjoying the feel of her soft hand along his shaft. She pumped him a few times, rubbing her thumb over the head with every pass, and he felt like he could come within moments. 

He pulled himself from her hand with a frustrated groan, and laid back down on the sofa with her. Her soft skin along his was so overwhelming that he pushed his length against her hip for relief. Marlena’s legs cradled his hips, and she bucked against him again, rubbing her moist center over him, pleading, “I need you.”

“I don’t want to rush this,” he told her, even though he wanted nothing more than to push inside her welcoming heat. He thought about their time at the Horton cabin. Her pussy was so soft, and warm. Her body called to him like an addiction.

She couldn’t wait. Tipping her hips up towards him, she groaned loudly when the tip of his cock slid into her. 

“Fuck! Doc!” He tried to pull out, but she lifted her hips higher. Her fingers scraped along his neck, pulling his body down and he couldn’t hold back. He couldn’t stop himself from slamming into her with a loud groan, “Baby… baby… Marlena!”

Her thigh lifted around his waist, and her leg pulled him deeper inside her. John’s body fell forward, and he slipped his arms under her shoulders pushing his full length inside her. He felt it when he hit her cervix and even then he pushed a little deeper, because he knew she liked it. Marlena cried out as she started coming, her orgasm taking over her in an instant. Her muscles fluttered and pulled at him, while John gritted his teeth to keep from climaxing immediately. 

When her body had calmed down, he whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you.” She rolled her hips, feeling the electric sensations start to build inside her again. Needing more, she scratched her nails across his back. Her clit rubbed against him, and Marlena moaned. “I love you… I love you…”

John sucked at her collarbone. He sucked at her neck. Her body would bear the marks of their lovemaking for days to come, and as John pulled out, thrusting back into her, he felt even more aroused. 

Holding her against him, he lifted her as he stood up. “Wrap those gorgeous legs around me, baby.” He settled into a seated position on the sofa, staring up at Marlena straddling his body. Buried deep inside her, he pushed up, and he smirked at her cry of passion. That’s what he wanted. He wanted those cries, and those mewling sounds she made. He could live on those. 

Resting on his shoulders, and she pushed herself down on him with a deep groan. She pushed him right over the edge. With arms wrapped around her waist he lifted her, leaning back against the green crushed velvet, starting to push up into her repeatedly. “You feel like heaven, Doc. I can’t stop… I can’t… I need you so bad… so fucking bad!”

Her body took over. Marlena’s head fell back, her blonde curls cascading down over John’s arms, as she cried out, “Deeper! John! Oh, G-d! I’m coming again!”

“Fuck! Oh… fuck! Doc!” He was lost, disappearing into space with an explosion of stars behind his eyelids. He whispered in her hair as his body jerked and spasmed, “Oh… Marlena… Marlena, I love you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My one and only, my lifeline

I woke up just in time

Now I wake up by your side

My hands shake, I can’t explain this, ah, ah, ah, ah

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Their skin was cooling rapidly without a blanket, but they didn’t move from where they lay entwined on the antique sofa. Marlena smiled to herself wondering what history had taken place on that couch. How many conversations? How many drinks? How many couples had snuck away for illicit affairs on that sofa? Maybe the answer was none, but she still closed her eyes, and imagined that it held some magical power. She didn’t used to be such a dreamer. She dealt in facts. They were reliable. She’d never been one to make decisions on a whim, driven by her emotions. Her sister Samantha was the one who did that, but since her accident, Marlena was realizing that she was more like her sister than she’d ever realized. The only difference was Samantha embraced who she was, and Marlena had spent a lifetime suppressing it. 

John’s hand slid slowly over her hip, and she whispered, “If you keep doing that, you are going to wake up this body, John.”

“I want to wake up this body,” he groaned. “I want to slide back into you, and make you scream my name, and I will, but first we need to talk.” He took a deep breath, “Caroline and Shawn asked to spend some time with Brady on Monday. Isabella agreed… I plan to tell her then.”

Marlena’s heart sped up, “Tell her?”

“Tell her that our marriage isn’t working… tell her… that the life we’re living isn’t good for us, and it isn’t good for Brady. We argue all the time, Doc. And while it’s warranted, her insecurity over you has her doing things I don’t agree with. She’s being manipulative, and as I said, she’s not wrong in her assumptions about you and me. She’s got a right to be suspicious, but she doesn’t have a right to make some of the choices she’s been making recently.” John rubbed his face alongside hers, and then whispered, “I need to tell her that I still love you. It’s at the root of everything, because I should have been up front with you in Mexico. I should have forced that conversation between us.” 

John was quiet as he thought about it. It sounded so harsh. Divorce. The word brought with it images of sadness, and heartbreak. Usually when a marriage ended one or both sides were gutted emotionally. In this case, Isabella would be the one who suffered the most.

Rolling over so that she curled into him, she felt the tears streaming down the line of her nose. “On Monday? You’ll talk to her Monday?”

“I promise,” he said, staring down into her tear filled hazel eyes. “I should have been honest with myself from the moment you stepped onto the pier that foggy night a year and a half ago – the night you came back to me.” She continued to cry, resting her face against his chest, and John said, “I can’t… I can’t be with you right away. It would hurt her too much, Doc. So, I’ll get an apartment for a few months–”

“–I understand.” Her fingers softly laced through the hair on his chest as she considered her next words. “I don’t remember Mexico. I only know what you’ve told me, and what Abe told me. He said I was heartbroken.”

“I don’t think I realized. I was in so much pain, I didn’t stop to consider yours. So many mistakes were made, but it started with me. It started on that pier, when I allowed my fear of losing you again to dictate every single choice I made.” John kissed her temple softly. “I never should have done that, and I’m sorry. If I ever apologize for anything, it’s not trusting our love.”

“Is your marriage ending my fault?” she asked softly.

“No, Doc.” John faced her, reaching down to pull her leg over his hip. “It would have happened eventually. The way things were going between us, I know you don’t remember, but Doc, baby, we were already heading in this direction. Your accident, and your memory loss… all that did was strip away your defenses. I found myself confronted with you, honest and raw. I wasn’t able to hide behind your defense mechanisms anymore. I don’t want to. I don’t think I ever did, it was just easier than confronting the truth.”

“What about Brady?” she asked him, suddenly scared. She’d been pursuing him, and pressuring him for months, but now she worried if John’s life was falling apart.

“I’ll work it out with Isabella. I’m his father, she won’t deny me access to my son.” Kissing her softly, he said, “I promise, Doc. I promise… Monday.”

“Monday,” she sighed, feeling the caress of his lips moving over the column of her neck. Bending her head back to give him better access, she said, “Oh, my G-d, John. That feels so good.”

His palm slid down the plane of her abdomen, and he whispered, “I’m gonna make you feel so much better.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Say my name and everything just stops

…

I don’t want you like a best friend

Only bought this dress so you could take it off

Take it off, ha, ha, ha

Carve your name into my bedpost

‘Cause I don’t want you like a best friend

Only bought this dress so you could take it off

Take it off, ha, ha, ha

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Dress – Taylor Swift

Chapter 37 – Lullaby

March 1, 1993

Isabella & John Black Loft

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They didn’t have you where I come from

Never knew the best was yet to come

Life began when I saw your face

And I hear your laugh like a serenade

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brady opened his mouth wide, his little hands shook with the excitement of a ten month old child desperate for food. John attempted to get another spoonful of pureed chicken noodle into his son. He couldn’t help but laugh loudly as Brady quickly turned towards the sound of the telephone, smearing his food across his cheek. “Look at this mess, little man!” Wiping his son’s face, John tossed a tea towel over his shoulder, muttering, “Yeah, yeah… I’m coming. I’m coming.”

John lifted the telephone receiver, balancing it between his ear and his shoulder, while walking back over to Brady. Brady was very obviously working himself up to a loud wail. “I’m coming, slugger.” He pushed the spoon back into the little boy’s mouth with a sigh, finally saying into the telephone, “Hello?”

“Hello,” came a soft feminine voice. “My name is Julia Wainwright. I am trying to reach John Black.”

John used the spoon in his hand to get excess food off of Brady’s chin, and replied, “This is him.”

Julia “I am the lawyer representing the estate of Danielle Tremaine, and I was hoping to meet with you in regards to her bequeathment–”

Shock. Complete and utter shock. He stopped moving, and Brady started screaming. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” Julia said quickly. “I thought you knew. Danielle passed away a few days ago from pancreatic cancer. She’s left the bulk of her estate to you. I need to meet with you in regards to that.”

His mind was still grappling with the pain that was lancing his chest. Tears streamed down John’s face as he remembered the last time he saw Danielle. She’d smiled at him as she ducked out of the window to evade the police. She’d attempted to reach out to him months later. She’d written him a letter saying she was ill. John took a shuddering breath. She was gone, and he’d told her to stay away. Guilt wracked him.

Isabella came down the stairs, carrying Brady’s diaper bag, completely oblivious to John’s predicament. “I’ve packed his bag with everything he’ll need,” she said loudly. “I know it’s just a few hours at the pub, but I wanted to make sure he had all of his favorites.” She glanced towards John when he didn’t respond, and she was taken aback by the tears rolling over his cheeks. Brady continued to wail. She set the bag down, and reached for Brady’s jar of baby food, and resumed feeding him.

“Cancer?” he asked softly. “Did she know she was sick?”

Julia hadn’t expected that John would be caught so unaware. From the way Danielle spoke about him, she’d thought he knew about her illness. “She knew she was sick, but she… she refused treatment.”

“Why would she do that?” John wiped the tears from his face, but they continued to fall. 

“I was hoping that we could meet this afternoon to discuss her will, as well as her estate,” Julia said. “I can answer all of your questions then.”

His heart was breaking, and he barely understood why. John felt that there was a deeper part of him, the part that housed the memories he couldn’t recall, and it was mourning. It was mourning hard. “What time?”

“Does three o’clock this afternoon work? I’m staying at the Salem Inn, and I’m hoping to conclude our business so I can return to Santa Barbara.” She stared down at the paperwork in front of her with a heavy heart.

“Is that where she’s been? I thought she was in Paris,” he said softly.

Julia was quiet for a moment, “She was in Paris. I’ve… I’ve known Danielle since we were very young. I’m doing this as a friend.” She wasn’t ready to admit how she knew Danielle until she met the infamous John Black.

“I can meet you at three o’clock,” he replied. 

Isabella immediately tried to cut in saying, “But John–”

He held his hand up, indicating that she should be quiet, and then he told Julia, “Yes. Thank you. I’ll see you then.”

He hung up, and found himself immediately lost in a memory.

“Haven’t I proven my loyalty to you over and over again?” Danielle asked him in frustration. “What do I have to do to make you believe that I’m telling the truth?”

But he still wasn’t sure. He turned to face her, saying softly, “You don’t have to try so hard anymore, Danny. Everything you’ve done–” He stopped speaking, staring at her in awe. His hands cupped her face, and he whispered, “Danny? Where’d that come from?”

“From our past.” Her hands reached for his, lacing them together. “You haven’t called me Danny for a very long time.” Her eyes got a faraway look, “I remember when you used to say it… it took my breath away.”

“Oh, my G-d…” He stared down at her, “I feel like more and more of my old feelings are coming back.”

She leaned closer, with hope shining in her eyes, “Are they?”

He couldn’t be that close to her. He was feeling things he didn’t understand. Emotional memories with nothing else attached. Turning his back on her he took a deep breath, but she followed him touching his shoulder gently. 

“Perhaps we can put this whole, miserable ordeal behind us.” Her fingers trailed down the column of his neck. “We can concentrate on more pleasant things.”

John turned around. Everything about her called to him, as he asked her, “Such as?”

Her arms slid over his shoulders, “Picking up from where we left off all those years ago before you disappeared. Perhaps if we use our imagination, we can conjure up enough sweet temptation.”

John stepped closer, drawn in by the sound of her voice, “And then?”

“And then… we simply give in to it,” Danielle whispered. She leaned forward, kissing him softly.

John took a breath of her, and then he held her jaw firm, and tipped his mouth to take hers. She opened to him with a faint moan, and the taste of her burst over his tongue as if he’d kissed her a million times before.

“John!” Isabella said loudly for the third time.

He was pulled from his reverie, turning to glance at her, but he still said nothing.

“Are you going to tell me what that was about?” she asked him.

“I…um, that was a lawyer for Danielle,” he started to say.

“–I don’t know why they would be calling. I’d rather she never contact you again,” Isabella replied carelessly, as she washed the food off of Brady’s face.

“She’s dead,” he said flatly. He watched Isabella shrink back, unsure what to say in response. “I have a meeting at three o’clock. Can you drop Brady off with Caroline and Shawn, and then after my meeting I’ll be home?”

Isabella stared at her husband, “A meeting? Can’t you do it tomorrow? I thought we were spending some time together.” She was upset that he wanted to meet with the lawyer at all. “Maybe we can drop Brady together, and I can go with you?”

John had planned to use the time that Brady was with Caroline to speak with Isabella about ending their marriage. The telephone call from the lawyer had thrown him for a loop. He shook his head briefly, and then said to her, “I need to do this alone, Izzy-B. I tried to explain what happened in Stockholm with Danielle to you before, but you didn’t want to hear it. Danielle was once important in my life.” But there was more to it. He had questions for Julia Wainwright. He wanted to know why Danielle had refused treatment, and why she left her estate to him.

“You’re making excuses for being unfaithful! Don’t blame what you did on Stefano DiMera!” She continued to bounce Brady in arms, but her voice was rising. 

John gave her a hard look. She would never understand. 

She leaned towards him and hissed, “You slept with her! Don’t give me some song and dance about emotions and feelings. I’m tired of it. You were engaged to me, and you fucked her.”

He couldn’t argue with her anymore. She was right. He had done that, but she refused to try to understand how fucking complicated his past was. She assumed that everything was in the past, and it was, but it would always come up, it would always be a part of him… and Isabella would never accept that. At some point their relationship had become irreparably broken, and he had to accept responsibility for that. He would accept responsibility for that, but first he had a three o’clock meeting with a lawyer from Santa Barbara, California, named Julia Wainwright. He would have to wait until he saw Marlena to discuss his true feelings about Danielle’s death.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

How long do you wanna be loved?

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you wanna be loved?

Is forever enough?

‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Salem Inn, Room 615

John stared at the door to room 615 for a moment, and took a deep breath before he knocked. He’d had a growing sensation of unease in his gut on the drive over. It left him thinking that this was more than a meeting to settle an estate. He couldn’t pinpoint why, but he’d been having memories of his time with Danielle in Stockholm, and how drawn he was to her. He hadn’t given himself much opportunity to dwell on it since he’d returned from Stockholm. At first he’d refused to think about it because of his guilt over what he’d done to Isabella by being unfaithful. Later, he pushed the memories away, because the emotions were still so raw and confused. When he thought of Danielle, he became overwhelmed with feelings of warmth and affection. It felt deep, and it felt real, and raw – yet, he didn’t remember any of the memories that went along with those emotions, and he’d been too scared to even consider Dr. Baker’s hypnosis suggestion. He didn’t do hypnosis with anyone, but Marlena.

A beautiful woman around his age pulled open the door, and immediately put her finger to her lips indicating that he be quiet. Her brown hair was pulled up in a messy bun, and she was wearing a pink tracksuit, with large glasses perched on her nose. She reminded him of Doc in a quirky sort of way. He glanced over towards the bed, and saw an infant asleep, and boxed in by pillows. “I can come back,” he whispered. “I didn’t realize you had your child with you.”

Julia stared at him for a moment, before she said softly, “She’s not my child. She’s Danielle’s… and she’s yours.” She continued to look at the man in front of her with intent eyes, trying to gauge his reaction. Studying his features, especially the eyes, it was obvious that he was the little girl’s father.

“Danielle gave birth to my child?” he asked in a rough voice. He stepped closer to the bed. The baby was tiny. “How old is she?”

“Six weeks,” Julia told him. “I’m her G-dmother, but Danielle was adamant that Marlee be with her father.”

John turned to look at Julia quickly, emotion choking his voice, “Marlee?”

Shifting through some paperwork, Julia lifted a letter in a sealed envelope, “Yes, it seems she held a friend of yours in great esteem. Dr. Marlena Brady? Your daughter’s name is Marlee Danielle Tremaine, although I assume you will be giving her your surname?”

Danielle had named their daughter after Marlena? He hadn’t realized they’d been that close, and Marlena wouldn’t be able to tell him anything, because she couldn’t remember, although they might be able to check her records of when Danielle was her patient. He stared down at his daughter. She looked exactly like her mother, fine delicate features, and tiny hands. She was so small, with a full head of jet black hair. His chest tightened, and he was immediately in love. He also was immediately aware of why Danielle refused treatment for her cancer. “She found out about the cancer when she was pregnant?”

“She did. The doctors had hoped that they’d caught it early enough, but because of her pregnancy with Marlee, she wouldn’t do the chemotherapy or take any of the medications.” Julia was quiet for a long moment, and then she said, “She left letters for both you and Dr. Brady.”

“Evans,” he said softly, still staring at his infant daughter.

“Evans?” she asked.

“Marlena is divorced. She’s going by her maiden name… and she’s not practicing psychiatry anymore… it’s complicated,” he said. He’d been planning to talk to Isabella about separating, and filing for divorce, because he was still in love with Marlena. Now he had a daughter to tell her about too. “Can I hold her?”

Julia had been worried initially, flying halfway across the world with a baby in tow, planning to deliver her to a stranger, but as she watched John all doubts fled her. He was smitten. His eyes, and his demeanor. She could see why Danielle would fall in love with him. There was something about him that made that seem easy. 

“She’s your daughter,” she said softly. “She was born January 20.”

“When did Danielle pass away?” he asked, cradling his baby girl in his arms. His heart was breaking. The child in his arms would never know her mother, except through him, and Julia.

“A few days ago.” Julia wiped her eyes, thinking about her sister. The one she’d loved as a child, and the one she’d worried about as an adult. Danielle had made mistakes, but Julia had never stopped loving her. She simply couldn’t follow along the path where Danielle led. They had reconciled during Danielle’s pregnancy with Marlee, but they had been estranged for years prior.

“She’s your sister?” he asked softly. He already knew the answer. Julia’s eyes mirrored Danielle’s, and the way her features softened when she spoke of Danielle indicated something more than friendship.

She nodded, but couldn’t get herself to say anything more about it. Changing the subject, Julia, said, “If you’d like a DNA test–”

“–no,” he said quickly. “No… I know she’s mine. I can feel it in my soul, the timing is right, and I see myself in her. She has traits similar to my son at this age .”

Julia was reluctant to bring it up, but she had to. “Danielle mentioned that she worried your wife… might have a hard time accepting Marlee.”

“It won’t be an issue,” he said firmly. It wouldn’t be an issue because Marlee wouldn’t be going home to the loft. Isabella would never accept her, and John wouldn’t even attempt it. Marlee’s appearance in his life steeled his resolve to end his marriage to Isabella. He wouldn’t have his daughter in a house where she was unwanted, or reviled. He wouldn’t have her in a home where Isabella would favor Brady, and treat Marlee poorly because of her mother, and how she came to be. He looked at Julia with intense blue eyes, “I was planning to ask Isabella for a divorce tonight. Marlee won’t be going to the loft. I’ll… I’ll have Marlena watch her while I speak with Isabella.”

Julia saw something in his eyes, but she said nothing about it. “I was hoping that I could stay in contact with Marlee. I’d love to watch her grow up, and my daughter, Samantha. She’s six.… Marlee’s cousin.”

“Anytime,” John told her. “I can’t remember my life before 1986… and I want my daughter to be surrounded by people who love her. I would never keep you away… although I have a daughter named Samantha, so it could get confusing when you visit.”

The room became awkwardly quiet, and Julia finally said, “We can go over the paperwork if you want. Danielle has left primary custody of Marlee to you. She has also left her whole estate, as well as a trust fund for Marleee. The trust fund is not accessible until Marlee reaches the age of twenty-five…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I slip in bed when you’re asleep

To hold you close and feel your breath on me

Tomorrow there’ll be so much to do

So tonight I’ll drift in a dream with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse

John put the Jeep in park, and glanced back towards the car seat behind him. The last few lines of Danielle’s letter to him had played through his mind for the entire drive to Marlena’s house. I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t meant to live a caged life on the run, and our daughter was meant to be with you. Marlee. His beautiful little Marlee. He turned off the car, and glanced up in surprise to find Marlena standing beside the vehicle. The tears started to fall from his eyes again. He’d been holding it all in. Isabella wasn’t emotionally safe, and he refused to cry in front of Julia. Marlena was there, and Marlena was the one who always understood him. Popping the door open, she stepped into his space, and he immediately reached for her, sobbing into her hair. 

“John? Oh, darling, what’s wrong?” she asked him, holding onto him tightly.

He couldn’t speak for several beats, and then he rubbed his face alongside hers, whispering “Danielle died three days ago… of cancer.”

His pain was her pain, and she felt the tears welling in her eyes, “I’m so sorry. So, very very sorry. I know how much that must hurt you, and I know… I know you cared for her.”

“A part of myself that I don’t understand, loved her, Doc.” He lifted his head staring into her eyes. “I met with her lawyer, and even though I should have gone home to speak with Isabella like I promised you… I couldn’t just yet. I couldn’t, because only you… only you could help me right now.”

“Me?” she asked him. “I don’t understand.”

“She left you a letter.” He pulled the envelope from his back pocket, “But before I give it to you, I have to show you something.” Marlee took that moment to let out a wail from the backseat.

Marlena’s eyes went wide, staring up at John with her lips parted in surprise. That cry wasn’t Brady. That was the cry of an infant. “John?”

He opened the backdoor carefully, telling Marlena, “My daughter, Doc. Danielle gave birth to my daughter… and she named her after you.” He lifted Marlee into his arms, and felt love swell in his heart as Marlena immediately reached for her. “Her name is Marlee.”

Tears flowed freely from her eyes, as she looked at the beautiful baby with black hair and John’s eyes. “Marlee?” she whispered. “Danielle named her for me? I don’t understand.”

“Maybe her letter explains it,” he told her. “Let’s get this little munchkin inside, and then you can read it.” 

As Marlena walked towards the house, she was entranced by the child in her arms. “She’s beautiful, John. Absolutely beautiful.” She thought about Caleb. He would have been a couple months older than the baby in her arms. Something inside her, something she didn’t even realize was troubled, suddenly felt at peace. It was immediate love, and immediate acceptance. They were stepping over the threshold when Marlena asked, “How are you feeling about this John? Danielle’s death… I know that upsets you, and Marlee… she was a surprise.”

“Shock, Doc. I’m still in shock.” He sighed, “I haven’t had a chance to speak with Isabella yet, and I know I promised you I would, and I will. I just… I can’t take Marlee to the loft. Isabella wouldn’t react well. I don’t trust her reaction when she finds out.”

Marlena stared at John unblinking, suddenly struck by a memory she’d never had before. Something about their current situation was bringing it up, and Marlena thought it was John’s reluctance to bring Marlee to the loft. His anticipation of Isabella’s negative reaction. “Real or not real? Did you… did I…” She paused for a moment, and then she said, “When I came home… did you leave me in the motel by the river?”

He saw the pain in Marlena’s eyes, and he whispered, “Real. I panicked.” Staring at Marlena for a few seconds, he rubbed his hands over his face, “Hell, maybe that’s what I’m doing now, but I don’t trust Isabella with Marlee. I don’t trust her to see her as an innocent child, and that says a lot doesn’t it? I need to speak with Isabella about ending the marriage, I need to tell her I’m still in love with you… and now there’s Marlee, a child I would never deny, but I… I won’t expose my daughter to the vitriol I suspect Isabella might be capable of.”

“You want me to watch her while you speak with Isabella?” Marlena asked.

“I want you to love her,” he said softly. Stepping closer, he twirled a strand of Marlena’s hair around his finger in a familiar gesture.  His blue eyes caught Marlena’s hazel ones, as he said softly, “I want you to be her mother.”

The baby in her arms stirred, tugging at a lock of Marlena’s golden hair. The tears were filling her eyes again, and she looked up at John, “Her mother?”

“I’m speaking with Isabella tonight, and the plan… if you’ll have me,” he said with a teasing grin. “Is to eventually spend the rest of my life loving you. I will dedicate myself to loving you… and you would be her mother. Sami, Eric, and Carrie would be her siblings, and Brady is her brother. The road is going to be long, but I swear to you, Doc, I’m committed.”

Marlena smiled at him, “I’ll need some things for a baby. I don’t have anything, but the room off of my bedroom, the empty one I’ve been using for therapy with Kim… it’s a nursery.” She smoothed a lock of dark hair across the baby’s forehead, and she whispered to her sweetly, “It’s your nursery.”

John brushed the back of his knuckles softly over Marlena’s cheek, “I know it’s unexpected–”

“–I don’t care,” she whispered, staring up at him. “I don’t care. Marlee… she’s a child born of tenderness and affection. You cared for her mother… perhaps you even loved her. She will be loved.”

Leaning forward, John threaded his fingers in Marlena’s hair, tugging her forward slightly. His lips took hers, and he smiled against her mouth. “I love you… I love you. I’ll be back. It might be late, but I’ll be back tonight.”

“Can I call Kimberly?” Marlena asked. “She may have some baby things that belonged to Jeannie, things I can use in the meantime, and she won’t–”

“Call Kim,” he said softly. His fingertip stroked his daughter’s cheek softly, and then he kissed Marlena again. “I’ll be back, baby.”

The front door closed as John left, and Marlena stared down at Marlee. John had laid Danielle’s letter on the kitchen island, and she reached for it, before sinking into the couch with Marlee in her arms. She opened it slowly, and read,

Marlena,

During my time in Salem you showed me kindness. You had no reason to trust me. You had no reason to even speak to me. If the tables were turned, I may not have been so kind. It’s interesting how my impending death has changed my perspective. I could have ended my pregnancy, and fought for my life… but I believe my purpose in life was my daughter. When she was born, I held her in my arms that first week unsure of what to call her, but over and over again, I remembered your kindness, and I realized, if there was ever a person I would hope that my daughter would emulate, it’s you. So her name is Marlee.

I ask that you watch over her, and that you show her the kindness that you showed me. I’m not certain I trust that John’s wife will treat her without malice, so I ask that you play an active role in her life, and I hope that someday you and John find your way back to each other.

Tell my daughter every day how much her mother loves her. Danielle.

She stared down into Marlee’s beautiful face, a mixture of John and, she assumed, Danielle, and she whispered softly, “My darling Marlee, my namesake… your mother loved you so much. She loved you enough to make sure that you were given a life filled with love, and your father, oh, my darling, your father loves you already. He probably loved you the moment he laid his eyes on you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

How long do you wanna be loved? (Wanna be loved)

Is forever enough, is forever enough?

How long do you wanna be loved? (Wanna be loved)

Is forever enough

‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Lullaby – The Chicks

Chapter 38 – Mad World

March 1, 1993 continued…

Isabella & John Black Loft

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression

Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Isabella glanced at the clock again as the loft door slid open, and she immediately said, “It’s nearly 7 o’clock, John! Brady needs to be picked up in an hour, and I thought we were spending time together!”

He stared at her blankly, too tired to even fight back. She hadn’t even said hello. It was constant – the arguing, the bickering, the nagging. She was killing the love he’d felt for her, and turning it into something caustic. “The meeting took longer than I planned, and–”

“–you could have met with that lawyer tomorrow, or you could have allowed me to come along.” Isabella placed her empty teacup in the sink with a clatter. With a complete lack of empathy, she said, “If Danielle is dead, another day shouldn’t be an issue.”

“Julia needed to get back to California. She’s been away from her daughter, and wanted to get home,” he said. He put his wallet on the table near the door, and hung his jacket on the coat rack. 

He was on a first name basis with Danielle’s lawyer? Isabella watched him for a moment, and then repeated, “Julia?”

“Julia Wainwright,” he said with a sigh. “She’s a lawyer from California… Danielle’s sister.”

“Are you serious right now, John?” She stared at him with fury, “Did she try to seduce you too?”

“Isabella, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living like this.” John ran his fingers through his hair, and rubbed his face roughly. “The constant arguing… and in front of Brady! The distrust. You’re constantly questioning my every move, you make decisions without telling me–”

She cried out in frustration, “John!”

John lost his patience, shouting, “Isabella, you stopped taking your birth control, and tried to get pregnant! You canceled the babysitter the night of the hospital benefit to try and keep me at home! I know that’s what you were doing. Marcus probably told you that Marlena was going with Mike, and you decided we would stay home!”

“Why would I want to go to the hospital benefit so that you could fucking ogle Marlena all night?” Isabella shouted. 

John pulled the bottle of whiskey from the cabinet, and realized it was almost empty. Is that what his life had become? Late night drinking? Stress drinking? He felt as if he’d just purchased that bottle. He poured himself a shot, and sighed without a filter, “You’re right.”

Isabella deflated instantly. No. But she could see it in his eyes. This conversation would not end with her getting what she wanted. All of her nagging had worn him down to nothing. She had pushed him too far. 

“You know, Izzy-B, when I fell in love with you, you accepted Carrie, Sami, and Eric into your life. You loved them, you cared for them… and I admired your capacity for love. I really did. But since Marlena has come back, it’s as if you never loved those kids at all. It’s as if your animosity and your dislike of Marlena now translates into them, and that… I can’t deal with that. Those are my kids, Izzy-B! Mine, and no matter what you say about Roman being their father, where is he? Who is their dad? Me!” He slammed back a shot of whiskey and stared at the bottle. Looking at his wife, he said, “I didn’t know you could do that.”

“I didn’t have to compete with a dead woman, John!” she exclaimed. She immediately saw the change in his eyes, and wished she could take it back.

“See, I didn’t know that you had the ability to turn your love on and off like a switch.” He stared at her, “You’re jealous of them, and their children! You want all of my time. You want me to be with you and Brady–”

“–because, when you’re with them, you’re with her! Every fucking time!” Isabella stepped towards the kitchen island, and leaned against it staring at John, “And can tell me right now that you don’t love every moment you spend with her? Can you tell me that you didn’t follow her with your eyes during the hospital benefit? That you didn’t fantasize about fucking the perfect Marlena Brady?”

“No… I can’t. I can’t tell you that,” he said. “That’s why this isn’t working, Isabella! I’ve tried… I’ve been trying. But this just isn’t working.”

Isabella started crying, “You’re telling me you still want her? After all of this time? You think I don’t know that, John? You think I haven’t heard you dreaming of her, moaning in your sleep, calling out for her?”

“It’s more than lust, Isabella! I’m telling you I still love her,” he said. “I’m in love with her!”

Isabella refused to believe it. Dreams were one thing, worrying about her was another, but love? No. It was purely sexual. It had to be. Just like Danielle. John was a virile man. That’s all this was. Isabella tried to calm her voice. She pleaded, “We were fine before Marlena’s accident! Before she got amnesia, and decided she still loved you.”

“Decided? No, Izzy-B. No, it’s always been there. Marlena and I tried to fight it. We fought it every time we saw each other. It’s why Doc stopped seeing me as a patient, and maybe Doc was better at fighting it than I was, but you’re right… her accident changed everything. She became open, and honest, and I… I had to face the truth, because I didn’t have her to hide behind anymore.” John stared at the whiskey bottle, and then poured himself another shot. “You need to know the truth, and the truth is, I still love her. I never stopped loving her, and I should have faced that a long time ago. I should have faced it when Marlena returned to Salem… or when we were in Mexico.”

“But you didn’t!” Isabella screamed. “You didn’t! And you chose me! You made a commitment to me! Are you telling me we’re over? You’re asking for a divorce?”

John drank the second shot sitting in front of him, and then exclaimed, “I wasn’t ready in Mexico! I was upset, I was overwhelmed, and I shouldn’t have been making any decisions! Not then.”

“That’s your excuse, John? I was there for you! I’m the one who found you on the beach, and took care of you! Me!” She came around the kitchen island, reaching for him, but he stepped back.

“Yeah, Izzy-B… you were there, but I wasn’t ready,” he said. “Look, I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to be honest. Something I should have been from the beginning. I should have told you that Marlena’s reappearance in my life scared me to death. I should have told you that my fear of losing her again made it impossible for me to reach for her. But, I can’t keep lying to you – lying to myself. I made a mistake, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, because I never wanted to hurt you, but if we keep trying to make this work, I’m going to hurt you more, and you? You’re going to hate me for it.”

John thought about that night in Mexico on the beach, after Stefano had fallen into the fire and died. He’d been distraught, overwrought… certainly in no position to decide anything. 

He felt a soft touch on his back, and turned to see Isabella behind him. “You looking for me?” he asked, turning his attention back to the fire he’d built.

“Uh-huh,” she said, sitting behind him.

“You’re not worrying about me again are you?” He wanted to ask her to leave, and give him some space. Maybe he should, but he didn’t. His life was in shambles, and now there was a baby on the way. It seemed so easy. He could let Marlena go, and leave with Isabella. Marlena could leave with Roman, but something inside him screamed no. That wasn’t what he wanted… but was there really any other choice? Was a life with Marlena and the kids even an option?

Isabella whispered, “Hey, sue me.”

“Nah,” he said softly, still poking a long stick in the fire in front of him. “To tell you the truth, I’m looking for a little sympathy right now. I’ll take all you got.”

“It’s all yours,” she said quietly. “Everything I got.”

He finally looked at her, “Even if I’ve got nothing to give you in return?” He’d never felt so lost or broken in his life, and all he could think about was the fact that his whole life was slipping through his fingers. There was nothing to hold onto. Nothing that he could say was his, because who was he?

“Did I ask?” she replied.

He looked at her, knowing what she wanted. She wanted hope. She wanted him to say that he would choose her. “Not in so many words, no.”

Isabella started to speak, “John, I–”

“–John,” he laughed sardonically. He returned to poking a stick in the fire. “Johnny! John Black. My name is Black, John Black. Guess I’m gonna have to get used to that, huh?”

“I know it hurts,” she whispered. 

“Well, I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t know what I feel, because I don’t know who’s feeling it!” He laughed again, finding no real humor in his situation. He was completely broken. He glanced back at Isabella, “Well, it’s a fact, 1991 ain’t been the greatest year for me. You find out you’re not the man you thought you were. What’s even stranger is that you don’t have a name because you don’t know who the hell you are!” He sat down, continuing to stare into the flickering flames. He was drowning, and he had nothing to hold on to.

“I know who you are!” Isabella cried softly.

He rubbed his hand over his head, saying absently, “Do you now?”

Reaching forward, she came to her knees in front of him, “Yes, I do! There’s not a doubt in my mind. You are the same man that I’ve always known! You are wonderful and loving and caring! You are the man that I love!”

John looked at her, thinking that he didn’t know what he was. How could she be so sure? “Those are nice words, Izzy-B, but I’m afraid that’s all they are.”

“That’s all?” she asked.

He nodded slowly, feeling the tears fall from his eyes. “That’s all… that’s not enough.”

She stared at him for a moment, finally saying, “Okay… that’s fair. If that isn’t enough, maybe this is…” Leaning forward, she reached for him, pulling his lips to hers.

And in desperation, loneliness, fear… he reached for her. For no other reason than to keep himself from drowning.

Isabella stared at him in shock, “You’re asking me for a divorce? We’re not even going to try and make this work?”

“I’ve tried! I’ve been trying!” he exclaimed. “Don’t you see that? And it’s not working… and after today, I know it will never work.” He thought of Isabella’s resentment towards Carrie, Sami, and Eric. Then he thought about Marlee, so small and innocent. 

“Why?” she screamed. “Why won’t it work?”

“I have a daughter,” he said, pouring himself the last bit of whiskey from the bottle. “I found out when I met with Danielle’s lawyer today. I have a daughter. She’s six weeks old… and I know Isabella, I know that you will never be able to love her the way that she deserves to be loved. You’ve proven that to me over the last year in the way you’ve turned away from the twins and from Carrie.”

“She had your child?” Isabella stared at him for a moment, before she asked, “Where is this child now?”

“With Doc,” he said. Isabella’s eyes narrowed in anger. “I couldn’t bring Marlee here, Izzy-B. I couldn’t be certain of how you would react, and she’s not at fault for how she was created.”

“Marlee? Your daughter’s name is Marlee?” Isabella started crying again, but then she wiped her eyes fiercely, and said with venom, “I hate you. I fucking hate you, John. Get out. Get out of the loft. Now!”

“I’ll grab some clothes,” he said quietly heading towards the stairs. He knew she would be upset. He knew she would react impulsively and order him to leave. He was right, it was obvious that she was angry and hurt. He had expected as much, and all he could do was respect her and give her the space she needed. “I’ll come back for the rest of my things tomorrow. We’ll need to work out a visitation schedule for Brady.”

Vitriol spilled from her lips, as she said, “You’re not seeing Brady. I’ll make sure of that.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I’m dying

Are the best I’ve ever had

Find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

When people run in circles, it’s a very, very

Mad world

Mad world

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s Lakehouse

Arriving home that evening, Carrie’s eyes lit up with surprise to find Marlena, with a baby in a wrap, cleaning up the kitchen from dinner, while Sami and Eric were on the couch watching Labyrinth for the millionth time. Approaching the kitchen slowly, the baby looked at her, and Carrie saw her Daddy’s eyes. “Marlena?”

A soft smile came over Marlena’s face when she looked at Carrie. Sami heard her sister’s voice, and got excited, crying out, “Carrie! Did you see our new sister?”

Eric looked more calm, “It’s another girl, but I like her. Mama says we have to protect her, ‘cause she’s little.”

Carrie looked back towards Marlena, and whispered, “What is going on?”

“Sami, Eric, go finish your movie while I speak to Carrie,” Marlena said. “When I’m done we can have ice cream.”

All she had to say was ice cream and the twins were scurrying back to their spots on the couch, giving Marlena and Carrie the privacy they needed. Sami and Eric received the eight-year-old version of the story about their surprise sister. Carrie would receive the adult version. 

Marlena watched Carrie settle herself on a stool, and she asked her, “Lemonade or iced tea?”

“Iced tea,” Carrie replied. In a voice that was more curious than angry, Carrie said, “It’s obvious that she’s Daddy’s. Look at those eyes.”

“John… well, it’s complicated. In his past, there was a woman. A woman I believe he loved very much,” Marlena said, placing the glass of tea in front of Carrie. Her free hand smoothed over Marlee’s back with a look of contentment.

“Danielle? The woman he went to Stockholm with last year?” Carrie asked. “When he was trying to find out if he was Romulus?”

“Yes, and his feelings were strong. I believe that even though he had no memory of his life with Danielle, he retained the emotional connection. John says I was aware that he’d had an affair with her before my accident. We’d spoken about it when he was still seeing me for therapy. After my accident… we discussed it again.” Marlena sighed softly, “He didn’t know that Danielle was pregnant. He didn’t find out about this darling until today, when Danielle’s sister brought her.”

“Where is Danielle?” Carrie asked. She couldn’t imagine a woman simply giving up her child for no reason.

“Danielle died of cancer three days ago,” Marlena said softly. “She refused treatment to save this little one’s life, and for that John and I will be eternally grateful.”

Carrie stood up, rounding the kitchen island where Marlena stood with the small bundle wrapped snugly against her. Marlee looked up with the bluest eyes she’d ever seen. Carrie stroked the baby’s cheek softly, “What’s her name?”

“Danielle named her Marlee,” Marlena whispered. “She named her after me.”

“Dad cheated on Isabella… when she was pregnant with Brady,” Carrie said sadly. “Do you think he loved Danielle?”

“I think John is confused by it all. Having no real tangible memories of his time with her, and yet, so drawn to her. It must have been a confusing time, and even when he speaks about it, it’s so evident that he doesn’t fully understand how it happened.” Marlena wasn’t sure how much to share, but she knew that John had made a promise of honesty to Carrie. “He was in Stockholm trying to find out if he was the jewel thief known as Romulus–”

“–but he found out it was Danielle,” Carrie said. “He told me that, and he said that he’d allowed her to escape… he never said he…”

“It was complicated. He’d planned to seduce her, to get the information he needed to prove his innocence. He had a contact there that was supposed to interrupt them, but for some reason he never arrived, and John became stuck in his mind somewhere between the present and the past. He made love to Danielle, and he suffered the guilt of it when he returned.” Marlee started to fuss, and Marlena set about making a bottle for her. “He couldn’t bring himself to tell Isabella for months. First because she was sick, and then because of my accident.”

“What about you?” Carrie asked, watching Marlena move around the kitchen making Marlee’s bottle. 

“What about me?” Marlena asked.

“I’m assuming, since Marlee is here with us, that John wanted to break the news to Isabella,” Carrie said.

“John is… John is separating from Isabella.” Marlena couldn’t look at Carrie as she said it. Since the night of the hospital benefit, Marlena had a growing sense of guilt. “He’s speaking with her now.”

“Marlena?” Carrie said softly. “I want this for you. I want this for our family.”

She looked up, placing the bottle on the granite in front of her. As she started unwrapping Marlee, she whispered, “I feel so guilty.”

“For being in love?” Carrie asked. “You shouldn’t. There is only one person to blame for this, and he is dead. Your lives… Stefano flipped them upside down. He manipulated all of us, but he didn’t count on the love you feel for Dad, and he didn’t count on Dad’s love for you. This is how it should have been. I think you and Dad, you did what you felt was expected of you, but not what you wanted. Look how it has turned out.”

Carrie watched Marlena get Marlee adjusted in her arms, and she whispered, “Can I feed her?”

“You can.” Marlena placed the baby into Carrie’s waiting arms. “However things worked out, this precious one was meant to be. I was meant to be her mother, and I will make sure that she knows about Danielle. She will know how much Danielle loved her.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy birthday, happy birthday

And I feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

Hello teacher, tell me, what’s my lesson?

Look right through me, look right through me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Kim!” Marlena exclaimed, opening the door at nearly 9 o’clock. “I wasn’t expecting you back tonight.”

“Hey, Marlena,” Bo said, coming up the darkened driveway. “We need to talk.” He watched as Marlena shifted the baby in her arms with a curious look, but he didn’t ask any questions. He assumed someone would tell him what was what in due time.

Marlena stepped back from the door, and allowed them inside, “I was trying to get Marlee to sleep, but she’s fussy. A new house, new people… it’s to be expected I guess.” She saw Bo watching her, and she wasn’t sure what to say. Isabella was Bo’s sister, and he was going to be angry at John without understanding the full story. 

But one look at the baby in Marlena’s arms, and Bo already knew who the father was. “Where’s John?” he asked.

Kim put her hand on Bo’s arm, “There’s more here than you know. We can discuss it later… you and I, but right now–” Tears started flowing from her eyes, as she said, “Right now we need to speak with Marlena and Carrie.”

Bo took a deep breath, and looked around, “Are the twins asleep?”

“Carrie is putting them down now.” She bounced Marlee against her chest, breathing in that freshly bathed baby smell. “She should be down soon. Are you thirsty?”

Carrie came down the stairs quietly, surprised to see Kim and Bo standing near the front door. “Hey. You two are here late.”

Kim walked towards the sofa, “Why don’t we sit down?”

Carrie was immediately worried. Visits that started with that phrase had never gone well for her, “What happened?”

Bo stepped towards her, “Carrie–”

“–no, Uncle Bo! What happened?” she demanded, feeling her heart start to race.

Marlena glanced between them, confused, but her own heart started to beat faster at Carrie’s distress. “Kim, what’s going on?”

“Roman was shot and killed,” Kim said softly. “Shane just told the family. Carlos Torres was able to track him down while he was in deep cover with the ISA… he’s gone.”

“No! No!” Carrie cried. “He’s not allowed to die! He’s not allowed to abandon us yet again, and then get himself fucking killed!”

Bo wrapped his arms around his niece, even as she tried to push him away. She had every right to feel angry, even furious with her father. He’d come home, left them, come come… and left them again. Roman hadn’t deserved those children. He hadn’t deserved Marlena. “Carrie, hey… hey, listen, you’re allowed to be angry. Hell, I’m angry, but you’re allowed to mourn him too. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Do you understand?”

Marlena stood there holding Marlee, feeling oddly numb to it all. Roman was gone, and she wasn’t sure how to feel. All she could do was figure out how she was going to tell the twins the following day. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I’m dying

Are the best I’ve ever had

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was nearly midnight when John entered Marlena’s home, closing the door behind him. With his duffle bag in hand, he took the stairs two at a time to Marlena’s bedroom. The house was silent, so he carefully opened her bedroom door, and made sure not to allow the lock to click behind him. Dropping his bag near the door, he walked towards her bed. He stared down at her asleep with his daughter curled up in her arms, and he fell more in love with her. There was a bassinet beside the bed, so he lifted a sleeping Marlee in his large hands, and placed her inside. Marlena reached out in her sleep, her small hand searching the warm empty space beside her. 

Her eyes opened, and she smiled when she saw John kneeling beside the bed. “Hey pretty lady.”

“John,” she whispered. The tears started to fall immediately, and she whispered in a choked voice, “Kim and Bo… Roman’s dead. Carlos Torres…” She couldn’t say anything else. It hit her with the weight of an atomic bomb. Where before she’d felt nothing, with John there, she felt everything. “He’s gone… and I… I never got the chance to forgive him…”

“Hey, hey, baby.” He slid into the bed beside her, brushing her soft golden hair from her face, “He knows. He knows, Doc… and he forgives you.”

“How can you know that?” she asked, burying her face in John’s neck.

“It’s just a feeling I have,” he said. “Remember, I have his memories, and as much as he blustered, and as angry as he could get, Roman loved deeply. He did, and he’s forgiven you, baby. I’m certain of that.”

“Carrie is so angry and so hurt,” she whispered. “I don’t know how to help her, and I don’t know how to tell Sami and Eric–”

“–I’m here, Doc. Let me help you. Please?” he asked her softly. “We’ll tell the twins together in the morning.”

“You’re staying?” she asked in a voice that sounded almost pleading. She was afraid for him to leave. She glanced down and realized that her hands were clenched, holding John’s t-shirt tightly.

“I’m staying tonight,” he told her. “But, I can’t stay longer. I don’t want to hurt Isabella any more than I already have, and staying here… it would hurt you. I think it’s better that I get a place, an apartment nearby maybe.”

She was quiet for a long time, and then she asked him, “How is Isabella?”

“Isabella is… hurt. She’s hurt, and she’s angry.” John sighed remembering the hatred in her eyes as he walked out of the loft. “I’m going to give her a few days, and then maybe I can speak with her again. I told her about Marlee… I told her I’m still in love with you. I didn’t– I didn’t tell her about the affair. I couldn’t do that to her. I just couldn’t.”

“I understand,” Marlena said quietly. “I do. There’s no reason to add to her pain.”

“I should have gone to the Salem Inn.” He rubbed his face alongside hers, and whispered, “But I promised you I’d come, and now I can’t leave. I don’t want to leave.” He kissed her neck gently, “I want to stay here with you…”

“I wish you could move in.” Marlena rolled into him, threading her fingers into his hair. “But I understand why you can’t.” Her lips found his in the dark, kissing him softly, and John groaned low in his throat turning towards her.

“Fuck, baby… I want to be with you.” He kissed her deeply, moaned at the taste of her, and the softness of her tongue against his. John’s hand skated over her tank top, pushing the comforter over her hip. Tugging it up, his hand cupped her ass, sliding over the satin of her panties. He pulled her against his burgeoning cock, “I want you so bad, Doc. So fucking bad.”

She started pulling his t-shirt up over his back. “Yes… John, yes…”

He glanced over at the bassinet, pausing for a moment.

A soft smile came over Marlena’s face, “She’s asleep, darling. We’ll be quiet.”

“I’ll be so quiet,” he murmured, pulling his t-shirt over his head. He bit her neck, sucking at the tender flesh as he murmured, “So fucking quiet.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

When people run in circles, it’s a very, very

Mad world

Mad world

Mad world

Mad world

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Mad World – Jasmine Thompson

Chapter 39 – My Home

Marlena’s Lakehouse

March 4, 1993

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Like a shelter from the storm

A fireplace that keeps me warm

Like a match can spark a flame

You start a fire inside my veins

Somehow with you, I don’t feel alone…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The house was silent when John entered. He glanced at the clock on the mantle. It was eleven o’clock in the morning. Marlena was probably putting Marlee down for her nap. It was just before lunch, and John knew that Carrie and the twins were at the pub. He kicked his shoes into the mudroom, and brushed the rainwater from his hair, as he shrugged out of his jacket. Locking the door behind him, he started up the stairs. 

Marlena sighed with relief as the warm water rinsed through her hair. She’d dropped the twins off at the pub, run to the grocery store, and come home, only to have Marlee vomit in her hair. She’d used baby wipes to get as much out as she could, but it wasn’t until she’d put Marlee down for a nap that she was able to take a shower, and wash her hair thoroughly. 

She smiled softly, thinking about the way the family had opened their arms to Marlee. Caroline and Shawn were surprised, but they hadn’t passed any judgment. They had taken Marlee into their lives, and welcomed her as one of their own. Then there was John’s separation from Isabella. He had hoped to handle it quietly. Isabella had decided otherwise. Marlena tipped her head under the water, and thought about her conversation with Caroline earlier.

“John and Isabella are separating?” Caroline asked her quietly, making sure the twins were out of earshot.

“They are,” Marlena replied. She wasn’t sure what else to say, and she wanted John to be the one to explain it to them. “But I can’t say more.”

“Isabella came by,” Caroline told her. “She wanted all of Brady’s things… she actually demanded them.” She paused for a moment, and then she said, “She said you were having an affair with John.”

Marlena stared at her in surprise, saying nothing in return. Caroline placed her palm on Marlena’s arm, whispering, “We don’t have to discuss it, Marlena. I just wanted you to be aware of what she is saying.”

Lifting her face to the warm spray, she pushed her hair out of her face. 

John entered Marlena’s bedroom quietly. He stepped over into the alcove where her office had been, staring down at his sleeping baby girl in the bassinet. From the moment he’d seen her, he’d fallen immediately in love. So had Marlena. She loved that little girl as if she were her own. The same way she had loved Carrie. He brushed his thumb across Marlee’s forehead gently, and then turned towards the bathroom. The rain was still falling outside, the soft pelt against the windows ringing softly. He hadn’t seen Marlena since the day before, and after his meeting with Mickey earlier, he was desperate for the calm she brought to him. He’d spent the night at the Salem Inn where he’d been keeping a room, but every night he left her and the children, he felt more lost. 

He turned the doorknob, pushing the door to the bathroom open, and he stared at the outline of Marlena’s body behind the frosted glass of the shower. Her head was tipped back, her body arched towards the water, her breasts high and pushed forward. A soft groan sounded low in his throat. He coughed lightly, saying, “Hey, Doc.” His hand pulled the door shut softly behind him. He wasn’t leaving. He glanced at the baby monitor on the vanity, and then his fingers immediately went to the buttons down his shirt front. There would be no waiting. He wanted her. His cock started to ache as he slid his arms free.

Marlena knew he was there. The soft woodsy scent of his cologne filled the humid air, and there was something in the tone of his voice that told her what was coming. She craved it. She could see his shadowy movements outside of the glass, and she pushed her palms up her abdomen towards hers breasts, hoping to ease the heaviness that had settled there. She closed her eyes with a sigh, imagining that it was John’s hands. Her soft flesh was sensitive to touch causing her eyes to flutter when she tugged at her nipples. She whimpered as she pulled them again. When her eyes opened they were glazed with want, and she whimpered just loud enough for him to hear her, “Hurry up.” 

John nearly fell over as he kicked his jeans to the side, and hopped from one foot to the other in a frenzied attempt to remove his socks. Pushing his boxer briefs over his firm hips, his cock bobbed against his abdomen with a heavy slap, and he groaned. This was right. This was what he had been missing since Marlena had walked back into his life. Electrical impulses shot to his spine. Just as he was reaching for the shower door, Marlena slid it open, and he slipped inside, pushing his burgeoning length into the crease of her ass with a groan of relief, “Fuck… this is where I need to be. This is home.”

His chest rubbed along her spine, and one of his arms looped underneath her arm and over her shoulder, while the other dipped forward between her slick thighs cupping her mound and squeezing her. Marlena’s head fell back against his shoulder with a soft gasp, and she pushed her sex into his hand. “Oh, G-d!” she whispered roughly. Her core clenched, and she kneaded her breasts again. It was instant. It was fire. She felt her body’s slick heat pearl with arousal, and she spread her legs wider. Her hand grappled for purchase, and her fingernails scraped over the tender skin on John’s thigh. With a high pitched cry of want, Marlena begged him, “Touch me…”

John’s index finger pushed between her swollen folds, and flicked across her clit roughly, causing her to keen, and he almost came all over her back. He pushed his cock against her trying to get some sort of relief, as he growled, “Baby… you are so fucking wet. Were you thinking about me?”

“I just… I don’t know,” she panted. “You were here suddenly, and I saw you undressing… my body started throbbing. That’s how it is with you, John. It’s instant… and now I’m aching with it. I’m aching so badly it hurts.”

John lifted her with his arm around her waist, turning her body. Marlena cried out as he pushed her spine against the cold tile. Her sensitive nipples dragged across his chest, and her head thumped back against the wall. “Oh, G-d!” she whimpered, staring at him with arousal filled hazel eyes. All of the times he’d fucked her on his work breaks, or while the children were at school flashed through her mind. Those hard and fast moments where her body exploded with sensations, and he pounded into her. Interludes that started with a spark, and combusted within moments. 

He stared down at her, feeling the urge to lift her against him and push into her roughly. He leaned forward, licking along the column of her neck. He nipped at the skin behind her ear, and he smiled when she whined. He bit her neck, sucking at her skin, and then he growled, “I can’t wait, Doc… I can’t fucking wait…”

Her breath came in short breathy gasps. Her fingers pulled at his hair, and her fingernails scratched at his shoulders. He slid his finger along the crease of her slick lips, and she pleaded, “John! Please… fuck me…”

Fuck me. Her dirty mouth would be the end of him. He leaned forward, biting the tender flesh of her jaw, “You want that, baby? You want me to fuck you right here?”

Her core clenched so hard at his whispered words, that she almost orgasmed from the sound. His lips rested against hers, and she gasped desperately, “Yes!”

Sliding his hands up the back of her thighs, he groaned, “Hard and fast, baby… hard and fast.” Marlena arched her breasts towards him, as his palms cupped her ass lifting her body high. He kissed her, taking her mouth as if he were starving. Lips sucked, and teeth nipped. Marlena’s tongue alongside his tasted like nectar. Wrenching his mouth away, he got lost in her eyes. “You’re sure? This won’t be soft and sexy, Doc.”

She could feel her orgasm. It was so close, one simple touch would push her over the precipice. All she could do was cry out for the one person she needed, “John!”

He lined his turgid cock up with her pussy, and he saw stars as he pushed his length into her. He didn’t wait for her body to adjust. One quick movement, and his cock was bumping her cervix. “Awwww! Fuck, baby! Fuck!” John pushed even deeper, relishing the sound of Marlena’s soft cry. She wanted it, that slight electrical pulse of pain that she craved so much. Pulling out quickly, he shoved himself back into her dark recesses with a thick and heavy groan. 

“More!” she whined, pulling his lips back to hers. “John! Oh, G-d! More!”

He smiled slyly, pulling out slowly, and then he growled, “You asked for it, baby…” Marlena’s voice echoed off of the tiles of the bathroom as he pushed back into her welcoming heat.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’ll always be my home, my heart

I’ll be with you wherever you are

My home, my heart

I feel you with me when were worlds apart

You’ll always be my home

Ho-o-ome, ho-o-o-ome, ho-o-o-ome

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John glanced at the clock after checking on Marlee, and then slid into the bed next to Marlena’s naked body. She’d been asleep for about twenty minutes, and he’d heard Marlee whimpering on the monitor. Hoping to catch her before she woke Marlena, he hurried out of bed only to find her solidly asleep. Marlena sighed when his heated skin caressed hers, and she moaned softly. His head fell back against the pillow, and his eyes fluttered closed as she rubbed her pussy against his thigh. “Fuck, Doc…” He rolled towards her, his hand cupping the rounded curve of her ass with a groan. He wanted her again.

Dipping his head, he latched on to a nipple, sucking it with deep suction. Marlena’s eyes fluttered, and she arched into him.

“Fuck, Doc… I want you again,” he groaned, licking his way across her chest to her other nipple. “I came to talk to you, and all I want to do is make love to you all day. I just want to bury my cock in your moist heat, and stay there.”

Marlena lifted her leg high on John’s hip, tipping her hips forward, and she rubbed her wet sex over his lengthening cock. The tip bumped her clit with every roll of her hips. John’s arm wrapped around her waist, holding her close, as he growled, “Stop teasing me.”

“Who says I’m teasing?” she whispered, lifting herself so that his cock grazed the entrance of her sex. She rolled her hips, causing his cock to slip inside slightly. “Push into me, John. Slide in, and fuck me again.” His breath hitched in his chest, and she watched him intently, reaching down and swiping the pad of her thumb over his tip roughly. She gripped his length firmly, squeezing him, and then slid him along her pussy, whispering again, “Fuck me…”

“Woman!” he cried softly, praying he didn’t wake Marlee in the alcove. He reached down, pulling Marlena’s hand away, and he pushed his length back into her body with a soft grunt. She would make him lose his mind. This was how it was when they were married. Before Orpheus. Before Stefano took her. The ability to be with her like this was bringing it all back. It was what he wanted. He wanted her. He wanted soft conversations in bed, and family dinners. He wanted her body next to his, soft and willing. He wanted a lover, and a best friend. 

Her body was singing. Every touch of his hands, every lap of his tongue, and every nip of his teeth over her skin. She was lost to sensation. Her flesh was stinging from the suction of his mouth, her lips were swollen from his kisses, and still she arched into him, her body silently begging for more. John buried his face in her long blonde hair, sucking at the skin of her collarbone, while thrusting in and out of her. “I love you,” he whispered as he pushed into her one last time before his body exploded, pouring his seed into her.

Marlena’s core fluttered, and her muscles rolled, squeezing his length as she joined him in climax. She pulled his lips back to hers, gasping, “I love you… Oh! How I love you, darling!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You accept me for my flaws

You give me everything and more

Even in my darkest nights

I know you’re there right by my side

Somehow with you, I don’t feel alone…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John was getting ready to go pick up the twins, when Carrie arrived at home. She reached for Marlee with a wide smile and open arms, cooing at her little sister, as Marlena smiled on. Glancing at Carrie, he stepped closer to Marlena, whispering, “I’m going to get the twinners. Are you sure you’re up for making dinner?”

“I already had the chicken thawed,” she told him, pulling out the ingredients for chicken pot pie. “Putting it together should be less than a half hour. Then it’s in the oven for about an hour. Honestly, John, it’s easy.”

He glanced over at Carrie, noticing that she seemed distracted by Marlee, and he touched Marlena’s face softly, brushing the pad of his thumb over her still swollen lips. “We need to discuss my meeting with Mickey this morning,” he whispered, pushing her hair back over her shoulder. It was an excuse to touch her. Any excuse to touch her.

Marlena glanced at Carrie. “I want you to stay tonight, John. I know you said we need space, because of…” She sighed, “But… when you’re here… I don’t have the dreams.”

He knew what she was talking about. She’d recently mentioned having dreams. Perhaps they were memories, but they scared her. Dreams of Stefano. Dreams of Roman. They were unsettling for her. “I’ll stay,” he said softly. “We can talk to Carrie and explain after dinner.”

“You don’t need to,” Carrie said from behind them on the couch. She didn’t even bother to turn around as she cuddled Marlee in her arms. “Isabella talked loud enough for the whole pub this morning, Dad.”

Marlena’s skin went pale as she remembered Caroline’s warning earlier. She hadn’t realized that Isabella’s conversation had been public. Staring up at him, Marlena whispered, “John?”

“Okay,” he said with a heavy sigh. “Change of plans. You speak with Carrie, and I’ll get the twins. After dinner, we’ll speak with Sami and Eric. I’m coming home.”

“You’re coming home?” she whispered with tears welling in her eyes. “Here?”

“Yeah, baby.” He kissed her softly. “We’ll talk later, but after this afternoon with you. I’m not leaving again. My family is here. I’ll work out my time with Brady, but I can’t live without all of you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I miss your arms wrapped around me

Bring me home, close to you

I miss your arms

You’ll always be my home, my heart

I’ll be with you wherever you are

My home, my heart

I feel you when we’re worlds apart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: My Home – Myles Smith

Chapter 40 – Betting on Us

Marlena’s Lakehouse

March 8, 1993

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Tried every chapel, tried talking to Jesus

But all that let me down

Turned to the portal, searching for reasons

But all I found was doubt, I’m in my mind again

I thought that I am at my end

But then I saw you walking in

Oh, I, oh, I…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John hadn’t seen Brady in a week, and Marlena knew he was upset. He tried to hide it from her to ease her growing guilt, but she could see it. She was so happy with him. The children were blossoming, but she knew that she had tempted him, and seduced him. She’d recently read over her therapy notes, and listened to her voice recordings. Before her attack and before her memory loss she’d fought her attraction for him, pushing him away. That had worked for both of them, but she knew they had both been unhappy. She could hear the sadness in her voice when she played back her tapes. There was a change in her tone when she said John’s name. There was no doubt in her mind that they would have had an affair eventually. She recalled her notes from her last official session with John:

I think it may be best to have John switch his sessions over to Dr. Baker. I can brief her on his case, and share all of my previous diagnostic information, but I feel this move would be best. John and I may simply be too close as friends for me to remain unbiased. We share too many memories, and connections. We may be blurring the lines of the doctor/patient relationship, and I feel it would be best to sever the connection now before we… 

The recording had stopped abruptly, and Marlena had a sudden flash of memory. John had been in her office, and he’d said, “Doc, you’ve been crying.” Her choked sob had been followed by his soft words, “Hey… hey. What’s going on baby? What happened?” And then she melted into his arms. When the memory came to her, it brought with it all of the anguish and anger she’d felt in that moment. She took a deep breath. Even then, she could close her eyes, and feel how much she had needed him that day. She didn’t recall why she was upset, only that she was. So, as much guilt as she was harboring over what they’d done, she knew they were inevitable.

“Doc?” John repeated softly, knocking on the bathroom door. “The twins are getting dressed, and Sami needs help with her hair. I’m good with ponytails, but not much more, and her hair is a mess right now.”

Marlena opened the door, looking up at him. She stroked his freshly shaved jaw, whispering, “Have I told you today what a wonderful man you are?”

Kissing her palm, he replied, “You have, but I won’t mind hearing it again.”

“I love you,” she whispered. “I love you so much.”

John stared down at her for a moment, and then he asked, “Doc? What’s going on with you? Ever since Gretchen brought your things from the hospital… you’ve seemed sad.”

“I’m not sure,” she told him. “It’s sad… letting that part of my life go–”

“–it may not be permanent,” John said gently. “You may just need some time–”

“–it’s okay,” she whispered. “I know what I’m dealing with, and I’ve accepted it. I might never have slowed down. I might have spent my life dealing with everyone else’s problems, while never facing my own. As horrible as it was… I wouldn’t change it… because now I have time to deal with the events in my life that I have ignored. D.J.’s death, the loss of my sister… my rape. Maybe what happened to me was divine intervention–”

“–Doc.” John laced his fingers through her, holding both of her hands in his. He didn’t want her to think that way.

“I need this,” she said. “I need to slow down and focus on myself, my family… you.” She was quiet for a moment, and then she said, “I was listening to some of my tapes from your sessions, and I had a memory. It was confusing, but it also made me realize something. If we hadn’t happened now… we would have fought it until we couldn’t anymore.”

“You’re right. As guilty as I feel, I know you’re right.” He kissed her softly, lingering over her bottom lip. Gently pushing her up against the bathroom door, he groaned, kissing her again.

Marlena opened her mouth to him, sighing softly as his tongue dipped inside. He tasted like sweetened black coffee. Her hand lifted, threading her fingers through his hair, and then a loud crash sounded in the hallway, followed by Eric yelling, “It was Sami!”

“It wasn’t me!” Sami cried. “It was an accident!”

John smirked at Marlena, kissing her slowly one last time. “Put a bookmark here for later,” he whispered. “We will be coming back to this.”

Marlena stared up at him, slightly disoriented, “Okay.”

John walked across the room, opening the door wide to find Sami attempting to clean up a pile of books she’d knocked off of the console table, while Eric was sneaking back into his room. “Stop!” John told him. “Come back here and help your sister clean up the books.”

“But it wasn’t even my fault,” he said loudly. “She’s the one who ran into the table.”

“Why?”

Eric looked down at the floor sheepishly, “Because I was chasing her with a fake cockroach.”

“Help her clean them up, and then Sami, grab a hairbrush and head in here so your mother can fix your hair.” John heard Marlee crying downstairs, and had a moment of panic. The twins had been downstairs with Marlee, but they were now upstairs. “Who’s with the baby?”

“Carrie,” Sami said. “She’s all ready to go, so she told us to come upstairs, and finish getting dressed.”

John sighed, picking up the last book, and he found Eric watching him warily as Sami scurried away to get the hairbrush. “You okay, slugger?”

“Why do we gotta go to this thing anyway?” Eric mumbled quietly. “I don’t want to go.”

Marlena stood in the doorway to her bedroom watching her son struggle with his emotions. Kneeling down, she said quietly, “Come here.”

Eric came close, and almost fell into his mothers arms, crying softly. “I didn’t mean it… but, I… it feels weird.”

“He was your father,” Marlena whispered, wiping Eric’s tears from his face. “He loved you. He loved you so much, and when you get older… you’ll understand that your father had a hard life, and he made some choices he shouldn’t have, but he loved you, Sami, and Carrie. He did.”

“Why didn’t he stay?” he asked softly. “He came and he made Daddy leave, and then he left too.”

Marlena brushed his blonde hair back from his forehead, telling him, “Sometimes, when people are hurting they make choices that might be wrong. That doesn’t mean he didn’t care, darling. He cared very much.”

Eric wrapped his small arms around his mothers neck, and he whispered, “Thank you.” He didn’t understand why, but his mothers words made him feel better.

Marlena stood up, releasing Eric to go finish getting dressed, and she told John, “I don’t know what else to tell them.”

“I think… for now, that was enough, Doc. When they get older, we can tell them the whole story, but it’s too much for any child. You did the right thing.”

“He did, you know… he did love them.” She wiped at her own eyes. “What Stefano did to us was so unfair, and Roman’s anger… he couldn’t get past it, but he did love them.”

John was silent for a moment, allowing Roman’s memories to coalesce in his mind. Wiping the rest of her tears from her cheeks, he told her gently, “I remember, and in a few years, I can share that with them. I remember the day they were born as if I were there. I recall how proud Roman was, and how scared he was. They will know they were loved.”

“Thank you for going with us.” Marlena cupped John’s cheek in her small hand stroking his skin softly. “Thank you for supporting the family.”

“They’re my family too. I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” he whispered, kissing her lips softly.

Sami watched them from where she stood in the hallway, and she wiped at her own tears. She’d never fully accepted Roman as her father. He’d spent so much of his time correcting her, and being angry that she loved John that she couldn’t ever bond with him the way she thought she was supposed to. She wouldn’t say it out loud, but she was glad that he was gone. He made her mommy cry, and he made Carrie sad. He’d pushed her Daddy away, and it didn’t matter how much her mother said he loved her, she didn’t care. She would go to the memorial, and she would wear black clothes, and she would look sad… but deep down. She felt indifferent.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m betting on love, betting on us

You know the parts of me that no one else does

I’ll give you my heart, give you my trust

Oh, you make me feel a way that no one else does

I’ll never let go, I’ll never give up

You know, know, know, know

I’m betting on love, betting on us

Mmm, I’m betting on us

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The memorial was a somber affair. They’d returned back to the house less than an hour ago after Eric and Sami had begged to leave. Marlena watched them  from where she stood in the kitchen. They were curled up together on the couch on the sun porch watching The Neverending Story yet again. Roman’s death was hard for them to process. He’d never put any real effort into forming a relationship with them. Marlena knew that from what Carrie and Kim had told her. He’d returned to Salem and buried himself in his work.

Marlena still couldn’t remember any of it. The memories she was having were all in relation to John, and while she knew that often the strong emotions she was feeling were somehow related to Roman, she never actually made those connections. Roman himself wasn’t a part of any of them. So she continued to gather snippets of memory, and most of it did nothing more than support her mind’s preconceived idea of a life with John. 

Marlee started to fuss, and Marlena finished tying on the wrap she would settle the little girl into. “You are a fussy little thing today, aren’t you darling?”

John came down the stairs, and said, “She knows who her Mama is, and she wants you. She’s bonded with you so strongly in just a few days.”

“I love her so,” Marlena said softly, making sure Marlee was snug up against her. She ran her palm softly over her back. “I feel as if she’s mine.”

John came closer, “She is. She will know that Danielle gave birth to her, I won’t keep that from her, but you, Doc… you are her mother.”

Marlee rubbed her face against the soft cotton of Marlena’s shirt with a soft snort, and she couldn’t help but smile. Her dark hair was starting to curl, and Marlena allowed a tendril to wrap around her finger. 

The doorbell rang, and John cocked his eyebrow, “You expecting company, Doc?”

“No,” she said, coming around the kitchen island to watch John go and open the front door.

Victor stood at Marlena’s door with Brady in his arms waiting for someone to answer. He glanced down at his grandson wondering if he was doing the right thing. Brady smiled up at him, patting his face with his small, chubby hands, and Victor knew he was right. Isabella keeping Brady away from John was unacceptable. He loved his daughter, but she was bitter and angry, and she was using her son as nothing more than a way to hurt John. Victor still mourned the years he missed with Bo and Isabella, he wouldn’t be a part of taking John’s son away from him. 

John opened the door to find Victor Krirakis standing there with Brady in his arms. After a brief moment of shock, he reached for his son, saying in a choked voice, “Does Isabella know?”

“She doesn’t, but I will explain when I see her,” Victor told him, stepping inside the house. He set down Brady’s bag. “He’ll be staying her this evening, and I’ll expect him back at the house by tomorrow evening.”

“I don’t understand,” John said. “Why would you do this?”

“Isabella’s mother kept her from me. She allowed Ernesto to raise my child out of spite. I lost… I lost all of those years with Bo – years that Caroline stole from me.” Victor looked away for a moment before he said, “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, John. You being one of them. I love my grandson, and I won’t be responsible for taking him away from his father.”

Marlena stood back, gently caressing Marlee’s back, and Victor glanced at her before his eyes landed on the child in her arms. “This is the baby?”

John nodded, “Yes. My daughter.”

“I won’t say I’m not disappointed, John. Isabella deserved better… but I also know that things between you and Marlena were never settled. I think, because of that… you probably made some choices that you regret,” Victor told him. He glanced at the baby again, “I’m hoping you make the right ones from now on.”

Brady rubbed his face on John’s cotton t-shirt, and then leaned back to smile at him. John rubbed his hand over his son’s face, whispering, “I missed you little man.”

“I will speak with Isabella about the custody date.” He watched Brady with John and knew he’d made the right decision. “Brady has had a difficult week. Isabella won’t admit that, but he has. She will agree to joint custody, allowing you to have him on Tuesday and Thursday night, as well as every other weekend.”

“She’s told you this?” John asked. His heart was thundering in his chest. “She agreed to this?”

“No.” Victor stared at him for a moment, finally saying, “But she will. I will speak with her.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Having hard nights, facing our demons

We will always work it out

On the same side, keeping no secrets

There’s no room left for doubting you and I again

I thought that I am at my end

But then I saw you walking in

Oh, I, oh, I…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After Victor left, Marlena stared at John with wide eyes, and said, we’re going to need another bed. John started laughing, and then looked around the room. The only person that was missing was Carrie. As if summoned by mere thought, the front door opened, and Carrie smiled widely, “Brady!”

Handing his son over to Carrie, John laughed. “I was just wishing you were here.”

“It’s like you’re psychic or somethin,” Carrie said with a laugh. Brady smiled at her with big brown eyes, and she jostled him on her hip. “I missed you!”

John and Carrie both turned towards the kitchen as they heard Marlena groan, “Oh my G-d, that tastes so good.” 

Marlena stood with her hip against the granite countertop, and a jar of open pickle spears next to her. She’d already consumed half a spear in one bite, and was getting ready to finish it off when Carrie laughed. “Dad, do you remember when Marlena was pregnant with Caleb and she ate through nearly five jars of pickles?”

Marlena froze with the pickle halfway to her mouth as another memory came to her.

John’s smiling face leaned towards her, “For you, Doc… two pickles. Yours… and, because you love them so much lately… I’ll let you have mine.”

“I can have both?” she asked excitedly, tearing the paper, and biting into one of them with fervor. As the sourness burst over her tongue, she moaned. With a mouth full of pickle, she mumbled, “How did I never know how much I love pickles? I swear I’ve gone through a whole jar this week.”

John, Marlena, and Carrie all stared at each other in understanding. It was John who broke the silence, saying, “Doc?”

Marlena knew what he was asking, as she silently did the math, before she whispered, “Maybe.”

Carrie thought about the size of the house – Marlena, John, her, Sami, Eric, Brady, and Marlee. She watched Marlena glance down at the pickle jar, as if she wanted to devour the whole thing. She then watched Marlena slowly eat the second half of the pickle spear in silence, licking her fingers when she was done. John and Marlena looked guilty as hell, and Carrie couldn’t hold back her smirk as she asked, “Are you two serious right now?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m betting on love, betting on us

You know the parts of me that no one else does

I’ll give you my heart, give you my trust

Oh, you make me feel a way that no one else does

I’ll never let go, I’ll never give up

You know, know, know, know

I’m betting on love, betting on us

Mmm, I’m betting on us

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: Betting on Us – Myles Smith

Chapter 41 – Hungry Eyes

Marlena’s Lakehouse

March 11, 1993

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’ve been meaning to tell you

I’ve got this feeling that won’t subside

I look at you and I fantasize

You’re mine tonight

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena had waited three days to take a pregnancy test. They had been adjusting to life after Roman’s memorial, as well as John’s difficulties with Isabella. Taking a deep breath she exited the bathroom, and found John sitting on the end of the bed in only his jeans. His shirt was discarded beside him, and his socks were hanging over the edge of the hamper as if he’d tossed them and barely made it. He stared at her with sad eyes, and she knew he was upset that she hadn’t told him about Isabella’s very public attack at Salem Place a few days earlier. 

“Why didn’t you say something, Doc? Why did I have to hear about it from Caroline?” he asked her softly.

“I asked Caroline not to say anything,” Marlena told him. “Isabella is upset, and I understand why. It really wasn’t a big deal.”

John sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, “She cornered you at Salem Place, and made a public spectacle–”

“–John, she’s losing her husband! She feels like she’s losing her child! She has a right to be angry!” Marlena told him. “I am responsible for that!”

John stood up, approaching her, and he grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look up at him. She was beautiful, and she was tired. Her hair was still piled on top of her head, and damp tendrils framed her face. Underneath her bathrobe she was still nude, and it did things to his body thinking about her soft skin only inches away. Pushing those thoughts away, he stared down at her with determination. “No, Doc! No! We are responsible for that, but that doesn’t mean that she can accost you in public, while you have Marlee with you… and in front of Brady no less! She can’t say vile things to you–”

“–I know… I know. I know. I know. You’re right. Of course, you’re right.” Marlena went to stand near her bedroom window, watching the moonlight play over the water of the lake. She was quiet for a moment, and then she sighed softly, turning to face John. “What she did was wrong, and it scared Brady and Marlee. I think… I might be making excuses for her because of our affair. I feel so much guilt, and I know… it doesn’t justify her behavior – in public or in front of the children.”

“If Caroline hadn’t happened upon you, how far would she have taken that?” he wondered. 

Marlena stepped towards where he sat, and John spread his legs, allowing her to step into the vee. Her hands cupped his face, and she smiled down at him. “I love you. I love you for caring so much, and for worrying about me, but I am fine. Marlee is fine, and Brady will be fine. Emotions are high right now… but hopefully, with time, we can all work through this.”

He glanced towards the bathroom, asking, “Did you set a timer for the test?”

“No… but it’s been about five minutes,” she said softly.

“What do you think?” he asked her.

Marlena smiled softly, kissing kim. The fall of her hair surrounded them, as she whispered, “We already know the answer.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now I’ve got you in my sights

With these hungry eyes

One look at you and I can’t disguise

I’ve got hungry eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The pregnancy test was positive, just as they knew it would be. Marlena stared down at it, and then said, barely audible, “What are we going to do?”

John wrapped his arms around her from behind, and pulled her hair to the side. His soft, warm lips kissed the column of her neck, and he whispered, “We’re going to figure it out.”

Turning in his arms, Marlena almost laughed at his simplistic answer. “You know what I mean, John. We can help Carrie get an apartment, but that still leaves us with one house, five bedrooms, and five children.”

John’s eyebrow cocked, and he smirked at her. “Unless you have twins.”

Marlena pushed away from him in exasperation, slapping his arm playfully. “Don’t you dare say that, John Black!”

He laughed loudly, tugging her back towards him. “Would it be so bad, baby? A big, loud, boisterous family? Family dinners, and raucous holidays… would it really be so bad?”

She stared up at him, getting lost in his bright blue eyes. She could envision what he was saying. She’d seen it at the Brady house in recent years when Bo was there with Hope and Shawn D, and then Kim and Kayla would show up with their families. Marlena wanted that. “No. No, it wouldn’t be bad… I’m just scared.”

“Scared I can handle. We can handle it,” he told her. “I’ll do whatever you want, Doc. If it’s too much… if you can’t handle another little one right now, honey… we can talk about this. What do you need?”

“You,” she whispered, breathing in his scent. She didn’t need anything but the man standing in front of her. If John was with her, she felt as if anything were possible. “I need you. You’re right… if we’re together, if you’re with me… we can do this.”

His fingers caressed her hips, rounded and soft underneath her terry cloth robe. He loved her. He loved her more than he could have ever imagined loving anyone. The man he was when he arrived in Salem was a shell, empty and morose. With Marlena by his side he felt invincible. “I’m here… and I’m not going anywhere.”

She leaned against him, appreciating the slow glide of his hands over her ass and down the back of her thighs. “Do we move? Do we find a bigger house?”

“I’ve been thinking about that. We could renovate the carriage house out back. You know, add a kitchen and a bathroom? And Carrie could move in. It would be her own space, but we’d still have her close for a while. Then we could expand the room she’s currently using downstairs, and turn it into a suite for us. This room… well, for one, we could turn that massive closet of yours into a bedroom, make the bathroom a Jack and Jill bathroom, and then turn this room into two more bedrooms – if we include the alcove.” He watched tears well up in her eyes. He knew she loved this house. He loved this house. There were memories here, and he wasn’t ready to part with it.

“John,” she whispered, staring at him in awe. The house would be chaos, unless they rented another place for a few months. “That’s so much work. Are you sure?”

He knew what she was thinking. “It will be chaotic for a while, sure, but it will be worth it. I don’t want to give up this house, because when I bought it, I imagined Sami and Eric growing up here… I don’t want to move them again, and we can make this work. A few renovations, and it will be perfect.” He kissed her softly, cupping her face in his large hands, “Do you trust me?

“I trust you,” she whispered, staring up into his deep blue eyes.

“Good,” he says softly. He reached for her hand, gently leading her from the bathroom. Walking towards the alcove, John smiled to see two cribs in the small space. Brady was with him. His first weekend after the initial custody hearing where Isabella agreed to two days per week and every other weekend, just as Victor had predicted. His son was with him, and he couldn’t help smiling. 

Marlena slid her palm over John’s shoulder as she stood behind him. “Are you okay… I mean, I know coming home with Brady was what you wanted, but… are you okay with how it went?”

“It was hard… seeing Isabella so hurt. I never wanted to hurt her, Doc. You and I, we should have faced a lot of things in Mexico, and we didn’t. Roman and Isabella wouldn’t have found themselves with two people who weren’t fully invested.” He turned and walked out of the alcove. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he rubbed his hands roughly over his face. “I should have called it all off after I returned from Stockholm. The day I told you about Danielle.” 

Marlena sat next to him, and waited for him to continue. He’d told her about Danielle that night on her back porch, but she knew he’d told her once before as well. Some of it was written in his file. It was all very professional and very scripted. It didn’t give her any real insight into whatever may be prompting John’s train of thought.

“The whole time I was there with you… there was this frisson. This tension between you and I that I kept pushing away, and I knew… fuck, Doc, I knew then that what I had done to Isabella was more than just being unfaithful. I wasn’t ready to marry her, not when everything in my life was so unsettled.” He finally looked at Marlena, saying, “I knew that… and then there was you. The way you looked at me, the way you held my hand… the way you touched my knee or caressed my cheek. I craved every touch that day, and they were nothing more than friendly–”

“–I doubt that,” she said softly. “Even if I pretended they were, I can imagine that I ached to have my hands on you in some way. I’ve listened to some of my recordings after those sessions, and while they are nothing but professional, I can hear the change in my voice tone when I speak about you.”

“Maybe you’re imagining that,” he told her.

“I’m not.” She stared at him, and her eyes welled with tears. Reaching for his jaw, she whispered again, “I’m not, but you’re right… we made mistakes coming home with Roman and Isabella. I may not remember it, but when I think about it I feel ill. It was wrong. It was all wrong, and I don’t understand what made me do it. Since I can’t remember, maybe I never will.”  Her fingers caressed his late evening scruff and she smiled. “I think as a child I created this persona… the perfect child… the perfect daughter. But in that process, I lost sight of who I was. I became what I think they expected of me, and Samantha… Samantha fought it all. The more perfect I became, the more she hated me, and the more… the more my parents compared her to me. I think…” Marlena stood up abruptly, unsure of what to do with her own body as her thoughts swirled. Turning to face John, she whispered, “I think I came home with Roman because he expected me to. Bo expected me to… and to a certain extent I think you gave up on me, because you expected me to.”

John stared up at her anguished face, and he knew what she was saying was true. He’d given up. He’d allowed Roman’s confidence, and his own insecurities, to convince himself that Marlena wouldn’t choose him. “None of us asked you what you wanted.”

“I think that’s why my mind took me backwards after my attack. It took me back to when I first came home… to give me that second chance.” She stepped closer, running her fingers through his hair. “I was given a chance to be honest with myself, even faced with the truth that you weren’t Roman. I was given a second chance to tell you what I wanted, and I wanted you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I feel the magic between you and I

I wanna hold you so hear me out

I wanna show what love’s all about

Darlin’, tonight

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John rested his hands on her hips, and tugged her forward gently. “C’mere, baby.”

Her palms rested on his shoulders feeling the heat of his skin beneath her fingertips, and she stared down into his deep blue eyes under the fall of her hair, “We’ve gone about this all wrong.”

“Perhaps,” he said softly. “Or perhaps we’ve corrected a grave mistake. Perhaps we’ve come to terms with something now… that might have destroyed our families in the future.” He saw Marlena’s eyes narrow slightly as she thought about what he said, and he told her, “I am where I am supposed to be, and that is with you. Isabella is hurt. She has a right to be, but ultimately, she’s too proud to stay with a man who’s in love with another woman.”

“You’re right.” Marlena’s fingers swiped across John’s bottom lip, and she murmured, “It’s probably hurt her even more that you moved in here so quickly.”

“It would change anything,” he whispered, cupping her ass with his hands and squeezing her flesh. Marlena leaned towards him with a small groan. His hands slipped lower, pulling up the thick hem of her robe, and slid between her legs. He squeezed her again, and that tell-tale ache deep in her center started to throb. He leaned forward, running his nose between her breasts, and he sighed, “I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else right now.”

Marlena’s legs started to tremble when John’s teeth pulled at the tie of her robe because his hands refused to move from between her legs. He held her in place as her robe fell open, and she couldn’t help the sigh that escaped her lips as the cool air of the room washed over her naked skin. Stepping back, she reached for his hand. When he stood before her, she unfastened his jeans with deft fingers, whispering, “I want you to make love to me. I need to feel your skin against mine… take off the pants.”

He loved bossy and forceful Marlena in the bedroom, and she came out to play so rarely. He smiled that cocky smile at her, and pushed his jeans over his hips. His cock jerked when she reached for his length, squeezing his heated flesh with her small hand. “Doc…”

As he finished stepping out of his jeans, she kicked them to the side. “Sit back down, John.”

He followed her command without question, watching her approach him again to stand in the vee of his thighs. Gently she rested her hands on his shoulders, whispering, “Lay back.”

She stared down at him, laying back on the bed with his legs spread over the side. He was gorgeous, all muscle and sinew. Slowly, she straddled his body, and she felt him shudder with desire. Leaning forward she balanced herself over him, as she kissed his chest, feeling his warm skin against her lips. Marlena whispered softly, “I love you.”

His palms slid inside her open bathrobe, settling on her hips, and he stared at her body in awe. Softly he swept one of his hands over where their child rested inside her body, and he said, “Our baby is in there.”

“Yes,” she said softly. Settling herself on top of him, she rolled her hips with a soft sigh, and shrugged the robe off of her shoulders.

“I love you.” He stared up at her, feeling his emotions swell inside him. “I love you so much, Marlena.”

Marlena leaned forward, rubbing her breasts across John’s chest, and she whispered, “Show me. Make love to me,” just before she nipped at his earlobe.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now I’ve got you in my sights

With these hungry eyes

One look at you and I can’t disguise

I’ve got hungry eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John woke up to hear Brady fussing and find Marlena’s side of the bed vacant. Slipping out of bed, he followed her soft voice as she spoke to his son, “Aren’t you bright eyed at two in the morning.”

Brady smiled up at her as his small hands tangled in her hair. “He loves you,” John said quietly.

Marlena glanced up, “He barely knows me.”

“He knows you,” John told her quietly. “It’s not as if you haven’t been in his life.”

“I know.” She smiled down at John’s son in her arms. “I know.”

Stepping closer, he knelt next to where she sat in an antique rocking chair. Brady looked up at her with sleepy eyes, and then laid his head on her shoulder as his eyes started to drift closed. Softly, John said, “You know, Doc, I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I love you as a person. From our first meeting in the hospital all those years ago, I was impressed by your kindness.” He paused for a moment, staring up into her beautiful hazel eyes. “Brady can sense that, too. He can feel the love.”

Marlena thought about her first meeting with John – the silent man with the bandages. She too had been fascinated by him that day. His silence and inability to speak didn’t stop her from being able to read the kindness and confusion in his eyes. “I remember that day. I will never forget it.”

Brady’s breathing evened out, and John stood up reaching for him. Marlena watched as he laid his son back in his crib, and then turned to offer her his hand. She was beautiful, wearing a rose pink satin nightgown with buttons that teased him. Tiny pearl button that he ached to release from their fabric prison. The thin strap of one shoulder was falling, and the lace across the tops of her breasts barely concealed the prize beneath. He wanted her. Again. “Come back to bed.”

Her belly rolled, and her chest fluttered. The look in his eyes told her he was planning more for her than simply sleeping. She exited the alcove, and once she reached the side of the bed, she stared up at him waiting for his direction. “What do you want, John?”

His fingers lightly trailed along her jaw, and then slowly down the side of her neck, before settling on her collarbone. He stared down into her hazel eyes, whispering, “You… but I think you know that already.” His hungry eyes trailed over her satin nightgown, and his index finger trailed under the soft lace edging her bodice. “It’s as if I’m starved for you.” Flicking the top button free, he leaned forward and licked over her sensitive flesh just where her breasts were rounded.

Marlena’s core clenched, and her hands went to reach for him.

“Stop,” he rasped out roughly. “Keep your hands at your side.” Flashes of their married life played through his mind. All of their games they would play, and all of the times she would allow him to take complete control. His body almost shuddered with desire. They’d not discussed any of it, but he wanted it all back. 

She read his eyes, whispering, “I trust you.”

It was all he needed to hear. Swallowing thickly, he said, “Put your arms up, baby.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I feel the magic between you and I

I’ve got hungry eyes

Now I’ve got you in my sights

With the hungry eyes

Now did I take you by surprise?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Her body shivered violently anticipating what was to come, and she gave herself over completely. Lifting her arms slowly, Marlena’s hazel eyes never left the deep blue of John’s. She stood before him with her arms raised, and she took quick shallow breaths, as he leaned before her, and started to pull the smooth fabric up her legs. She gasped softly when she felt  the caress of his palms over her calves. She whispered his name while he squeezed the back of her thighs. A soft kitten-like mewl escaped her when his hands pushed up underneath her breasts as he continued his path finally pulling the gown over her head.

He read the exact moment she submitted, and his cock jerked. Marlena stood before him, naked and glorious. Her breasts peaked, and he remembered how sensitive they could be. He reached out, flicking her swollen nipple with his finger.

Her eyes were riveted on him, but her whole body jerked, as she gasped, “John!”

He leaned forward, pulling the tender flesh into his mouth roughly, while sucking deeply. His groan filled the otherwise silent room, and Marlena’s soft whimpers filled his ears. She could feel the sting of his suction in her skin, and she clenched her fists at her side, resisting the urge to reach for him.

A smile crossed his face as he pulled away from her, and his rough palm swept over her rounded hips, as he whispered, “Good girl.”

Marlena’s eyes fluttered, and she felt her pussy clench. “Oh, G-d!”

“You like that, don’t you, Doc? You like it when I tell you you’re a good girl.” He scraped his fingernails across her buttocks, and Marlena leaned into him helplessly, as if she were unable to support her own weight. “Sit on the edge of the bed… and spread your legs wide. I’m hungry for you again, and I’m about to have a fucking feast.”

Sitting down shakily, Marlena watched John with half-lidded eyes as he sank to his knees in front of her, and wrapped his arms around her thighs, pulling her to the edge. He leaned forward, taking a deep breath, and then he grinned up at her. Her core throbbed in anticipation that bordered on painful, as she gasped, softly, “John… yes, please.”

“I’m going to devour you,” he whispered, licking a long line up her inner thigh. “I’m going to lick every inch of you until you come on my mouth over and over again.”

Marlena’s head fell back, as she did her best to keep quiet. “Oh, G-d!”

“Look at me,” John commanded. “Watch me, and don’t close those beautiful amber eyes once. Do you hear me?”

“Yes. Yes… yes, yes…” Staring down at him, her small fists clenched in the bedspread beside her, and then his mouth was on her with ferocity that had her coming almost immediately. Her hips bucked up into his mouth, and still she stared at him with wide eyes as he smiled up at her devilishly.

He continued to lick, and bite at her sensitive flesh, as he told her, “Somebody was already on edge… but I’m not finished. You won’t be going back to sleep for a while.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I need you to see

This love was meant to be

…

I’ve got hungry eyes

One look at you and I can’t disguise

I’ve got hungry eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Hungry Eyes – Eric Carmen

Chapter 42 – The Best Day

Pumpkin Patch

October 31, 1998

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m five years old, it’s getting cold, I’ve got my big coat on

I hear you laugh and look up smiling at you, I run and run

Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides, look now, the sky is gold

I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The cold October breeze blew Marlena’s hair across her face, as she smiled at John. Reaching for his hand she looked over at Sami and Eric. They’d just had their fourteenth birthday, and she still couldn’t fully fathom where the time had gone. Brady sat in Eric’s lap with his sleepy eyes glancing around as the wagon rocked. Glancing over at Carrie, Marlena told her, “This was a great idea.”

“I thought that Rowan and Finn would like it,” she said. She smiled at Brady, and then said, “And I knew he would love it.”

“We wouldn’t have been able to manage without your help today,” John said, adjusting Marlee’s sleeping body in his arms. Her dark curls covered her face in a wild halo. 

Finn looked up with wide blue eyes, saying loudly, “It was great! I got the biggest pumpkin! Bigger than Rowan, and Marlee, and Brady!”

Sami laughed, “Listen squirt, you may have gotten the biggest pumpkin, but I’m not carrying that thing for you.”

Puffing up with indignation, Finn told her, “I can carry it myself!”

Rowan sat at her mothers feet, and wrapped her arms around her legs. Her Mommy laughed loudly, and she looked up at her. Happiness spread throughout her body making her feel warm and safe. She was the most beautiful woman Rowan had ever known. Resting her cheek against Marlena’s leg, she closed her eyes.

John leaned close to Marlena, breathing in her soft floral scent, “The sky is beautiful right now, all those shades of pink and gold.”

“It really was the perfect day,” she said. “I’m so glad Abe gave you the day off. I was worried that he might not… you’ve been working so hard lately.”

Smirking at his wife, he said, “I’ve got to keep the city of Salem safe, ma’am.”

Marlena laughed again, watching as John tipped his imaginary hat towards her. “I love you so much.”

Kissing her gently on her soft lips, he whispered, “I’m the luckiest man in the whole world, Doc. Life is pretty darn near perfect right now. I don’t think anything could make it better.”

Staring at him for a moment, Marlena glanced around at their children to make sure they weren’t listening, and she whispered, “What if I told you I was pregnant?”

His eyes widened slightly as he stared into her hazel eyes. Rubbing his face against hers, he said quietly, “I’d say that my life just became fucking perfect.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I don’t know why all the tree change in the fall

But I know you’re not scared of anything at all

Don’t know if Snow White’s house is near or far away

But I know I had the best day with you today

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena and John’s Lakehouse

June 23, 2001

Marlena hung up the telephone, and took off her apron, laying it over the kitchen island. She could hear the children out in the yard screaming as John chased them. Stepping out onto the porch, she called, “John! John, it’s time!”

Everyone stopped, and Marlee’s eyes got big, as she ran towards the back porch, yelling, “Isabella is having her baby? She’s having her baby right?”

Marlena looked down to find Esther pulling at her dress. Scooping her toddler up in her arms, her eyes met John’s, and she said, “I just got off the phone with Marcus. He’s asking if you can pick up Colin and Brady. I told him you’d be there in fifteen minutes.”

Marlee’s face lit up with glee. “Colin’s coming too?”

John started laughing. Marlee had been convinced for the last year that she was going to marry Colin, even though he was six and two years younger than her. “I guess it’s a good thing they only live on the other side of the lake.”

“Dad,” Sami said, running up the stairs from the beach. “Don’t just stand around talking about it. Go!”

Eric came running around the side of the carriage house with Rowan on his shoulders, and came to a halt. He’d missed something, he was sure of it. Sami looked at him with a heavy sigh, wondering how her twin brother could be so clueless. She reached to take Esther from her mother’s arms, and tossed over her shoulder, “Isabella’s in labor. Dad’s going to pick up Brady and Colin.”

“Another sister!” Rowan cried excitedly.

“Stop kicking, you little beast!” Eric cried after Rowan’s knee knocked his chin. The whole family found it funny that Rowan not only considered Brady her brother, but also Colin, and apparently any other child Isabella gave birth to. They’d tried to explain it to her, but it was no use. To Rowan they were all family.

Scrambling to get down, Rowan said excitedly, “I hope it’s a sister, just like Esther.”

John was striding up the steps of the porch being followed by his wife and children like he was the patriarch of the VonTrapp family. Reaching for his keys, he headed towards the front door, and Finn asked, “Can I come too?”

“Sure. Let’s go.” Opening the front door, he stared at the red minivan sitting in his driveway. He’d never considered himself the type to drive a minivan, but there it was. He turned to see his family watching him expectantly, and then he leaned towards Marlena. Kissing her softly, he whispered, “I’ll be right back, baby.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’m thirteen now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean

I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys

And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away

And we talk and window shop till I’ve forgotten all their names

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena and John’s Lakehouse

November 16, 2006

When John entered the house, Finn stood helplessly near the couch as Marlena held a crying Marlee in her arms. Rowan sat nearby with tears in her eyes. Eyes that matched her mothers exactly. She looked up, and cried, “Daddy!” as she ran into his arms.

“Whoa… whoa! What have I walked into here?” he asked softly, rubbing his hands over his daughters back.

Finn sighed, saying with a shrug, “Girl drama.”

Rowan lifted her head, and gave her brother a hard stare. “I swear you are so dense, Finn. You don’t get it at all.”

“If someone lied to me the way Sarah lied to Marlee, I wouldn’t be crying over it. I’d consider it a message from fate telling me not to waste my time on Sarah. She’s a horrible person.” Finn was always the logical one in the family. He gave his father another shrug, and then went into the kitchen to get some iced tea. 

Rowan was furious when she yelled after him, “It’s not that easy!”

Marlee lifted her head, her dark curls in a riot around her face. Wiping her eyes, she sobbed, “Sarah told me she had to stay home. That she couldn’t meet me at Salem Place because she was grounded, and then she posts pictures on her My Space… and she’s there with Emily and Morgan? Why would she lie to me, and then post pictures? And then when I asked her why she lied to me, she got angry… and somehow now it’s my fault, and everyone hates me!”

Marlena glanced at John, and saw that he had no idea what to do. Finn had already checked out of the conversation. So, Marlena said, “Let’s go shopping.”

“What?” Marlee asked, clearly surprised by the change in her mother.

“Let’s go to Chicago,” she said. “You, Me, and Rowan. We’ll go to Chicago, do some shopping and play hookey tomorrow. What do you say?”

“Mom! Really?” Rowan asked her with excitement. 

Marlee wiped at her eyes, and stared at her mother, “Shopping? Just us, and Rowan?”

“Marlee, darling,” Marlena told her softly. “Sometimes we have friends in our life for a season, and sometimes we have friends in our lives forever. Sarah might not be a forever friend, but in one respect Finn is right… it’s better to know that now. I think that you, Marlee, and myself could have much more fun in Chicago, and then Finn and your dad can have the house to themselves.”

John marveled at the turn around, and the love Marlena had for Marlee. She’d been her mother since the day he opened the back door of his Jeep and placed Marlee in her arms. His eyes caught Marlena’s and they had a moment of understanding, when she smiled at him and then turned back to the girls, “What do you say?”

“Oh, my G-d! Marlee, we have to pack out overnight bags!” Rowan said excitedly, with her light brown curls flying around her face. “Let’s go! By tomorrow night, we’ll both be thinking, ‘Sarah? Who’s that?’”

John glanced around quickly, realizing one of his children was unaccounted for. “Where’s Esther?”

Finn started laughing, “Good one, Dad! You just realized that she’s not here?”

“She’s over at Sami’s. Lucas is out of town on business, and she wanted to spend time with her big sister.” Marlena stood up, reaching for John’s hand. “I have to pack my overnight bag, and I would like to spend some time with you before I go on this little impromptu trip.”

Finn rolled his eyes, walking away. The last thing he needed to watch was his parents making doe eyes at each other because they were so in love. Maybe someday he would love someone the way his father loved his mother, but in the meantime it was nauseating. Plopping down on the couch his mother had just vacated, he reached for the television remote control, and started flicking.

Once they were inside their bedroom with the door closed, John pushed Marlena against the wall with a groan. “I was really hoping to get some time with you tonight.”

Marlena slid her palm up his chest whispering, “We’ve got some time right now.”

“We don’t have enough time,” he growled.

“I disagree,” she whispered. “I remember quite clearly that just last week you came home at lunch time, and had your way with me in less than a half hour. Do you remember that?”

John groaned softly. He did remember. He’d pushed Marlena’s dress up, and jerked her panties to the side, pushing into her welcoming body with a roar. The kids had been at school, and he should have been at work, but he’d rushed home. His body ached for her, and she was always so responsive. Turning the lock on their bedroom door, he whispered, “So, we have some time right now, you say?”

Reaching down to cup his growing cock, Marlena replied seductively, “Oh… I think we do.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don’t know who I’m gonna talk to now at school

But I know I’m laughing on the car ride home with you

Don’t know how long it’s gonna take to feel okay

But I know I had the best day with you today

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Salem High School

January 22, 2009

Marlena knew something was wrong when Marlee and Rowan got in the van with red swollen eyes, and Finn got in with a black eye. The girls had been crying, and Finn had obviously been in a fight. Putting the car in park, she turned looking first at Marlee in the front seat, and then towards the back at Rowan and Finn. “What happened?”

“I got suspended for fighting. Two days,” he said, but he didn’t elaborate. At fifteen he looked younger than he actually was. Marlena imagined John like that as a child. Thin and gangly, until one day he woke up a fully formed man. Brady had been the same way. Now at seventeen Brady had grown into his own, just as Finn would one day. 

“Why were you fighting?” Marlena asked him, knowing he was avoiding answering her truthfully.

“It’s not a big deal, Mom. Someone was saying some stuff about Dad to Rowan and Marlee, and I took care of it,” he told her.

Marlena looked at Marlee, knowing her daughter couldn’t lie to her, “What were they saying?”

Marlee glanced back at Rowan, and Rowan started to speak, but Marlena put her hand up to shush her. “I asked your sister, Rowan.”

“It’s nothing, Mom!” Rowan pleaded. “Please, can we just go home?”

Marlee felt her mother’s intense eyes on her, and she whispered, “Phillip said that Dad couldn’t keep it in his pants, and that’s why our family is so confusing.”

“Phillip?” she asked. “Phillip Kiriakis?”

“Like I said, Mom… I took care of it,” Finn told her. 

Marlena looked at her son with a mixture of frustration and pride. Their family was complicated. Brady was the brother to Rowan, Finn, and Marlee. Philip Kiriakis was Brady’s uncle, and yet the same age as him. Softly, Marlena sighed, “I don’t want you fighting, Finn. We’ll discuss it when your father gets home tonight.”

She put the car in drive, just as Brady and Colin ran towards the van. Marlee rolled the window down, and Marlena noticed that her daughter sat up straighter, smoothing out her skirt. Rowan snickered from the back seat, while Marlee looked over her shoulder with venom. Marlena said nothing, but decided to store that interaction away to share with John later. She’d thought that Marlee’s infatuation with Colin had waned, but evidently not.  

Brady grinned widely at Marlena, “Hey, Mar!” He was incorrigible, and she loved him dearly.

It had only been a couple days since she’d last seen him, but still she was excited, “Brady!” 

Colin, always the hyperactive one, looked just like his father. He had Marcus’ deep brown eyes, and dark curly hair. “Look, Finn, I’m sorry that Phillip was such a di–” He stopped speaking, and glanced at Marlena. “Jerk. I’m sorry that Phillip was such a jerk. He’s a spoiled brat, but don’t worry. Brady set him straight.”

“So, we were thinking that you guys should sit with us at lunch tomorrow,” Brady said.

Rowan frowned, “You usually sit with the baseball team, and Colin sits with the nerd herd.”

Colin laughed loudly, not phased at all by Rowan’s description, “Well, tomorrow we’re all sitting together. Afterall that’s what family does, right?”

Marlena saw the frown on Marlee’s face, but noticed she didn’t say anything. The drive home was relatively quiet. Rowan and Finn were on their phones in the backseat, and Marlee was quietly brushing tears from her face as quickly as they fell. Marlena reached over, placing her hand on her daughter’s leg, and she whispered, “Some day, he’s going to notice you.” Afterall, how could he not? Marlee was the perfect blend of Danielle and John. She was a stunning beauty, and she was the kindest, dearest soul.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger

God smiles on my little brother, inside and out, he’s better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run

And I had the best days with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena and John’s Lakehouse

October 23, 2011

The party was over, and everyone except for the immediate family had left. Marlena could hear Lucas and Sami talking softly on the back porch with Carrie and Austin as Esther chased her cousins around pretending to be a monster. Sami had her own set of twins, Johnny and Allie, who were two years old. Carrie and Austin had Noah. He was soft, and chubby, and smelled like the sweetest baby. It made Marlena ache for another child, but those days were over. 

Rowan came into the kitchen, wrapping her arms around her mother. Marlena asked with a wide smile, “What’s this about?”

“The birthday party,” Rowan said softly. “It was amazing, and I wanted to say thank you. Not just for the party… but also for the way you accepted Rachael.”

Marlena cupped her daughter’s face, “Did you think we wouldn’t?”

“No… I don’t know. I was nervous, even though I know you want me to be happy, I was nervous. I haven’t brought her around before, and I was scared,” she whispered, burying her face in her mother’s fragrant hair. 

“Do you love her?” Marlena asked.

“Yes,” Rowan replied. “I love her so much.”

“Then that’s all that matters, darling.”

Finn entered the kitchen, “I told you dummy. Mom and Dad don’t care about your gay girlfriend.”

Rowan looked at her twin brother with narrowed eyes, but said nothing. Finn was such an insensitive ass at times, but he always took up for her.

“Thanks for the party, Mom.” Finn cocked his eyebrow at his sister in a way that was so much like his father that Marlena smiled. 

The front door burst open, and Marlena immediately heard Colin’s loud voice, “Shit! We’re late!”

“Late is better than not coming at all,” Brady replied as he kicked his shoes into the mudroom.

“I’m going to go find Esther,” Marina told them. She didn’t even say hello to the people in the kitchen as she breezed through the house, and straight out the backdoor towards the yard. Marcus and Isabella’s youngest child, a girl, had been named after Isabella’s sister. She was a whirlwind of energy, which was the perfect personality to offset Esther’s innate shyness and quiet.

“Hey, Mar!” Brady said casually, setting two gifts on the kitchen island. 

“Give me a hug,” Marlena told him, stretching her arms wide. He walked right into them, and then kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear, “Where’s Marlee? Colin’s too embarrassed to ask.”

Marlena laughed, and then her eyes caught Colin’s deep brown ones. “She’s upstairs in her bedroom, but the door stays open.”

His blush moved up his cheeks, as he nodded once saying, “Okay.”

She watched him take the stairs two at a time, and then turned to find herself in an empty kitchen. They had all left her to go outside. The sounds of family and laughter drifted in from the porch, and tears started to fill her eyes. It was everything she had wanted. She turned back to wiping off the countertops, and she felt John’s arms snake around her waist.

Leaning forward, he kissed her neck softly. “Are you okay?”

“I’m happy,” she said, turning in his arms. “I’m so happy, and I wasn’t sure… all those years ago, if I would ever feel happiness like this. I just wasn’t sure that I would get this life with you that I wanted so badly.”

He kissed her softly, murmuring against her lips, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There is a video I found from back when I was three

You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you’re talkin’ to me

It’s the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarves

Daddy’s smart and you’re the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

November 10, 2018

John and Marlena’s Lakehouse

“It was a beautiful wedding,” Marlena said sleepily, as she curled up against John on the back porch overlooking the lake.

“It was, and I think Eric officiating made Marlee happy… I can’t believe she’s married,” he said, kissing the top of Marlena’s head. “I can’t believe she married Colin.”

“I can,” Marlena laughed softly. “She’d been saying since she was seven that she was going to marry him, and I’m glad she did… although I never expected our lives to come full circle like this.”

“You mean the daughter I had with Danielle marrying Isabella and Marcus’s son? Yeah, I never would have guessed that either, but I think it’s fate.” John stared out over the lake as the moon rose over it.

“Fate?” she asked. “John Black, since when have you believed in fate?”

“Since you came back into my life on a foggy pier twenty seven years ago,” he whispered into her ear. 

Marlena yawned, and rested her head against his shoulder, “I need to get this dress off, and take off my make-up.”

“Do you need help?” he asked her. In a seductive tone, he added, “Those types of things are usually easier with assistance.”

Marlena kissed his neck. “I remember another time in the woods of West Virginia when you asked for assistance in the shower.”

“Any chance to get you naked, wet, and covered in soap… I’ll take it.” His hand pushed the hem of her dress up over he thighs, and he murmured, “Let’s go in the bedroom, Doc.”

“Esther is in the living room,” she told him.

John bit at Marlena’s ear, feeling that tell tale ache deep inside. “Esther is eighteen.”

He licked a path behind her ear, and Marlena shivered. “I’m suddenly very tired.”

Pulling her mouth towards his, John groaned, “Are you now?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall

I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

And I love you for givin’ me your eyes

For staying back and watchin’ me shine

And I didn’t know if you knew

So I’m taking this chance to say

That I had the best day with you today

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: The Best Day – Taylor Swift

THE END