I hold tightly onto the little fingers wrapped around my own as I watch her young face and chubby cheeks closely. She’s looking at an old photograph and I am happy to stand and wait.
Well, perhaps I’m not. Standing and waiting means there is time for emotions and discomfort to surface again. Busy means… well means I am busy and don’t have to think about what is to come. Where I have to go and what time it is. May mean smiling and nodding and hugging people I don’t know but… well that’s better than the annoying ache in my stomach.
She is starting to fidget, “Are we going to see the weird car now?”
“Yes,” Laughing very lightly at the tone in her voice, “Its right out the door. You buttoned up?”
Deep blue eyes look down and then back up at me, “Yep. All are buttoned. But not the one that I broke this morning when I tried to button the coat myself.”
“I know. I was there, remember? We have to be careful when buttoning, right?”
“That’s right.” We move just out the door and her head moves quickly to look into the parking lot. Well shit. Nothing. “I don’t see any weird cars. Just police cars but those aren’t weird… I see them all the time. They go by our house and daddy has even ridden in one.”
“Yeah,” I roll my eyes at the memories of that, “We try not to talk about that.”
“Why not?”
Moving on, “Let’s look back inside. I think there is something cool in here- where it’s warmer.”
Taking her hand, I begin to lead her back in through the doors, “Sorry Brig Beth. It must not be out yet. We’ll see it when we head to the church, okay? But… but I think right-in-”
I look around the corner, “Yeah right in here is one from a long time ago. Back when they didn’t have cars. Just carriages.” Moving with her, she lets go of my hand and jogs into the room and towards the carriage, “Walk hun. And don’t go under the rope.”
She looks at the carriage and back at me and quickly back to the carriage, “From back in the oldin’ days?”
“Yes, back in the oldin’ days.” I move further into the small room and stand next to her and look at the old-fashion horse-drawn hearse that is filling a good portion of the room. Brigid plays with the rope as she looks over the carriage and I squat to be her level and point, “See those poles in the fron- -”
“Oooo… I like that teddy bear. I want to have it. Can I get it?”
She begins to slide underneath the rope and I grab onto her coat, all the while,
attempting not to fall over, “Um no. It’s not yours, besides, he’s guarding the carriage.”
Always have to have a reason. Always.
“But I want him.” I simply raise an eyebrow at her and she nods slowly, “Ben would like to have him as a friend.”
“And where is Ben?”
“Will has him.”
I nod. Not to her because she never pays much attention to me. Or anyone really, for that matter. Not sure who she gets that from, possibly our father. She gets an awful lot from our father. They are cute traits; always curious, creating adventures, wanting to help in an over-dramatic format. Just what this world needs. A mini-girl version of John Black. But here I try again, “See, in the front with those poles, that is where the horses go. They get tied up there and the driver sits with the bear-”
“His name is Dustin. Cause I like the Dustin at my school. He doesn’t pull my hair like Dillon does. Dillon is a bad boy.”
“Really? Well then, the driver sits up there with Dustin the bear and in the back there, where the glass is that you can see through, that’s where the coffin go-”
“Did you know that robbers could steal this?”
I pause and look at her. My mind goes over the phrase again. I’m pretty use to her sidetracking and random words and phrases but not sure I heard her right, “Robbers could get what?”
“The carriage. All they have to do is go under here… like this…” Sliding easily under, Brigid shows me exactly how, “Cause it’s easy and they can steal it.”
“Brig Beth, the rope is there to keep little kids like you from touching the carriage because it’s old and special. Not so much for robbers.”
“But they could steal it.”
“Yes, I suppose so. Now back on this side please.”
“But I’m just showing you what the robbers could do.”
“I know and you showed me. I saw. Now back on this side please.”
She grumbles out a ’fine’ and slowly moves back onto the correct side of the rope. Won’t be her last time under the rope. I can see her. She is just itching. She looks directly at me, “But Bee, they could. They really could.”
“Yes, they could but they haven’t so they won’t.”
Brigid’s eyes focus on the rope before she turns back towards me again, “Huh?”
The scrunched up nose. The lowered eyes in deep thought. It’s too cute. Mom says that is what I always did as a kid. I always thought it looked like Brady, but perhaps she is right. We do both have mom’s nose after all. That is for sure. Pushing some hair behind her ear, I say
“Nevermind, let’s get back to everybody and see if it’s time.”
“Time for what?”
“To head to church.”
“We never go to church so why we going to church today?”
“Because that’s what you do when somebody dies.”
“Because they got shot?”
I sigh. Then take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I swear this girl and I have this exact conversation constantly. I dream it now. I hear it all the time. Damn Sami for letting Will watch all those gangster movies with Brigid in the house. And damn the world for making me be the one who has to deal with it all – not Sami. I kneel down and take her arms to make sure she is looking at me, “Brigid, I told you that not all people die from being shot- do you remember us talking about that the other day?”
Nodding dramatically, “Yes, yes I do.” She moves to grab the rope again but I hold her still.
“What did I say about how people die?”
“They die in lots of ways.” She moves again and this time I let her go. Instead of the rope, she is moving towards the glass case that has some odd objects in it. Furniture from when funeral homes use to make such things too. Bury a person and get your new dining room table all in one. Probably get a discount that way. The other has Bears in the case from some local charity I’m sure. Her fingers move over the class, “Some get sick. Very sick and go into the hospital and die. Some people get hit by cars because they don’t know how to look goi- -”
I cut her off, “Brigid Elizabeth…” Why is she so smart? And have such a large vocabulary?
A quick look my way and back to the glass, “It’s true. Some just die. Cause they are ancient.
Some fall off buildings. Some people are in planes that fall to the ground. Some are in wars.”
“This is depressing Brigid.”
“And some get shot.”
“Had to add that one in there, huh? Yes, yes you are right.” Sighing, I try something new, “How about we go find Will and see if we have to go, okay?” She doesn’t move, “We can tell him about the carriage.”
“Can I show Dustin to him?”
“If there is time. Let’s hurry.”
“And the robbers?”
“Sure.”
“Bee-” I stop and look to see her pressing her nose into the glass and I can’t help the smile that comes, “what… Bee…what are ’dose things in there?” It is still interesting that she calls me Bee.
I can only assume it came from hearing Izzy B and she only attached to the second half. I go to answer, but am cut off, “They are bears. What are they for?”
Why ask the question if you can answer it for yourself? What are they for? Who knows.
“Brigid, you are fogging up the glass hun. Take a step back.” I begin to read, “And those bears are from people. They left them on the streets to make people smile after that big fire a little
while ago.”
“Who left them?”
“Just people who were sad.”
“Cause the building got all black?”
“Yeah and a lot of people died and got hurt. So the bears were to give hope and make people feel better.”
“They just left them on the street for people to take? People could have stole them.”
What’s up with stealing lately? “No, they wouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Cause, it wouldn’t have been nice. See…” I sigh. How to explain this. “Everybody was very sad that day. So people who weren’t in the buildings and didn’t get hurt wanted to give wanted to put bears around for people to look at and smile. For those people hurt to get better and for those people who lost somebody to make them feel better.”
“Did it make those people who died feel better?”
“Yeah, made them smile to know that people cared enough to leave them bears. They liked the bears very much.”
Rubbing her ear, “I want to show mom.”
“We can’t sweetie.” Reaching out my hand, “Let’s go find Will and get Ben.”
“Okay.”
Together, hand in hand, the two of us walk out of the room, up the few steps and down the long hallway. I can see our reflections in the mirrors as we pass and again, I’m struck by the age difference. I often wonder if people think she is my daughter, not that it’s not technically possible. Will is barely younger than me and he’s my nephew. Weird things happen. Brigid’s four, I’m twenty, so totally possible and that idea is actually pretty scary. To know that when I take her shopping or run errands or to school, people would naturally assume… I’ve never made an assumption again after her first day of pre-school.
“Can I show daddy?”
“No hun. We need to leave daddy alone right now. You can give him a hug soon. A really big one.”
“Because he’s sad?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sad too, Bee?”
“Yeah sweets, I am too.”
“I’m sad too.”
Looking down at her, “It’s okay to be sad.” I pull her in tightly to my leg and pat her back, “It’s also okay to cry.” Brushing her hair back out of her face, I wait for her to look up at me,
“Everybody is allowed to cry when they are sad.”
“But you aren’t crying.”
“Not now, I’m not.”
“Will you- soon?”
There is a smile again. Funny the way kids put things. “Probably, Brig Beth. Probably.” I
move us again and take a quick glance down the adjacent hall at the crowd of people, family, friends, and patrol officers in dress uniform. Stepping into the chaos, I hold tightly to Brigid’s hand, “Do you see Will?”
“Nooo. Not even Ben!”
Yes, the bear would be more important than our nephew. “This way.” A quick and straight line to Rex will hopefully save us from the masses, “Hey Rex, have you seen Will?”
“He headed towards the bathroom a bit ago. How you holding up?”
I nod at Rex and hold tightly onto Brigid’s hand, “I’m fine. What about you?
”
He thinks I’m full of shit. Well, I am. “I’m dealing. It’s just not quite the same thing for me as it is for you. So how are you?”
Shrugging, “What can I say? Tired of the word ‘sorry’ and gunna have Abe arrest the next one who says it. And all the touching and hugging is making it worse, but what can ya do? I was graced with my mom’s heart so I just want to break down, but also her sense of kindness so I want to make everyone feel better and that has been overwhelming today. Plus, my dad is so hurt. I’m too scared to even look at him” We share a brief smile, “I should go find Will. He seems to be struggling.”
Rex nods, “Yeah, he mentioned struggling with flashbacks to the last one.
”
“I understand. Believe me, the flashbacks… yeah, they are rough. How much time do we have,ya know?”
He nods. “You’ve got about fifteen or twenty minutes. Perhaps less.” He bends down and lightly tickles Brigid’s cheek, “Hey beautiful. Have a song for me?”
A dramatic intake of breath and then a quick huff to release it brings a grin to Rex’s face
and a slight giggle from Shawn, who I didn’t notice standing there. I wave at him slightly as I hear, “Not right now. I’m rather sad.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah. Ben is missing.” Don’t think that was the answer he was expecting, but he always recovers nicely.
“Oh no- where do you think he went?”
“For cookie-milk I bet.”
“I’ll put out a missing bear report. Shawn and I, we’ll help you find him. Check the bathroom first though. All that milk, he might have to go potty.”
“Thanks!” She leans over to pull up her knee-socks that have fallen down.
“Anything for you beautiful. You are lucky you got your mom’s good looks.”
“But her father’s personality.” I couldn’t help it. It’s almost a reflex to add that jibe in. I take another quick glance at Shawn.
Rex laughs and straightens, “Yeah can’t have it all.” He looks around at everyone, “It is
awesome to have such a loving family for support though, isn’t it?”
Keeping eye contact with Shawn, “This family can get through anything together.” Then I turn to get Brigid’s attention, “Are we going to go find Will now?”
“Yeah, let’s go.” I smile my goodbyes and take her hand as we move back through the crowd quickly. As quickly as I can make Brigid walk. I wave and I smile and I nod. I don’t want to be stopped.
“People keep hugging me Bee. I don’t like weird people I don’t know hugging me. Can you ask them not to?”
“I think daddy would agree with you there.” Though it is funny to see him stiffen up when
certain people approach.
“They are hugging him too?”
“Yeah, extra hard.”
“Even though he doesn’t like it?”
“Well… uh, today I think he does. Lets him know that he is loved and people are there to help him. Makes him feel better today.”
“But tomorrow he won’t like hugs?”
“Well, he’ll always love hugs from you.”
She giggles and begins to skip ahead of me towards the bathrooms. “Momma and me love him.
We hug him.”
“He knows that.”
“Brady and you love him. Does Mr. Abe love him too?”
Laughing, “Yeah, Mr. Abe loves him too.”
“Cause they are partners?”
“Yeah and friends.”
We move round the corner, but Brigid pulls me back, “what are ‘dose things in there? Lets look-”
“That’s the coffin room.” Holding tighter to her hand to keep her from entering the room, “And it creeps me out so we aren’t going in there, so why don’t you go knock and the girl’s bathroom door and see if Will is in there, okay?” The little one moves forward towards the door and I quickly move towards the slightly opened French doors and close them before she remembers her desire to explore the creepy-ass room.
My shiver is probably noticeable so glad nobody is paying attention to me. I go to school with dead bodies. I work with them daily, yet that coffin room, any coffin room will probably haunt me forever. Something about it. It’s just not the same. The two are just not the same, no matter what people try to convince me of.
“Hey Will!” The voice makes me turn to watch, “Open up Will! I want Ben back.”
She waits and finally the door begins to open and I immediately see the red blotches under Will’s eyes. He’s such a sensitive kid. Well, not a kid anymore but still sensitive as all hell. Should have kept a closer eye on him. Not ditched him to save myself. Because he has grandma’s heart.
Eric has her heart too, but I was good enough to make sure Carrie and his girlfriend were taking good care of him. But Will, the most sensitive of them all, I just fed him to the wolves earlier.
Great aunt I am.
“Brigid, Will needs a hug.”
“From a stranger?”
“No, from you.”
“Oh!” Little arms wrap around his waist and he bends over to rest his cheek upon Brigid’s. It’s definitely an adorable moment and hopefully it helps him just a little. “You gunna be okay Will?”
“I will be.”
“You’re sad too. It’s okay to cry. Bee says so. She’ll cry later, but not right now. But it’s okay if you cry.”
I move forward and perform my duty by wrapping my arms around the two of them and squeeze them both together. Don’t know what else to do. Don’t really know what to say to him. We are close, yet not close at all. When I was younger, Sami was hot and cold with me because of my dad and I guess, more so, my birth. It was hard to get close to her until I was in my teens, but even then, she had her own drama with Austin and Lucas and poor Will went through hell. I felt bad for him and I blamed Sami for his pain. And by the time I grew up enough to understand the world better, I went to college and well… just separate lives. But I should of known he would hurt. I did know how he would handle today. I just didn’t want to deal with it myself. At least not til later.
“Okay deep breath. We need to head back there and you two are so not going to make me cry. At least not at this moment. Things to do.” I take in that deep breath. I need it. Looking at their cascading tears just makes me want to bawl. But there is just too much to do and handle right now. I have been left. The older ones have their own mess to deal with and Brady is still trying to make his way through the snow to get here. I need him but right now, even more so, I need to stay in my focused and detailed state of mind. “They are probably getting ready to head out so we should move it.”
“Have you gone in yet?”
Gone in? To the room. No, not into that room. “Grab the box of tissues from the bathroom.
You’ll… we’ll probably need them.”
He does as ordered as I look anywhere but at their teary faces, but as I send Brigid in to go to the bathroom, I can feel Shawn’s eyes on me. “Belle, we can go in together… if you want to.”
Silence, “I can’t do it alone. This all… all of it…”
“Sorry I abandoned you in there. Just couldn’t take all those questions- the same ones over and over- anymore.”
“Understandable.”
“Honestly Shawn, I don’t know if I can do it. In general. I work with bodies daily but I don’t know them. It’s easy. It’s… it’s just school. It’s going to be my life and if I see her, lying there like that.” I bury my face in my hands and rub at the muscles, “I don’t know.” I’m muffling my words so I pull my hands away, “It will bring a reality to it all. Everything. A reality I don’t want, because it is not fake this time. This time she isn’t going to come back.”
“Are you sure?”
His sly grin causes one to form on my own face, but I am interrupted by Brigid’s announcement that she has “peed and washed mine hands so I’m ready for church now.”
God will be so proud. “Let’s get going then.”
“Oh Will- I saw a bear on a carriage and robbers can steal it! Can steal it because… because they can just go under the rope. Right under the rope cause it’s easy. I did it. For real!”
Will laughs out a bewildered sound but plays along, “Not for fake?”
“No!”
“Wow- that sounds pretty cool- did you see any robbers?”
“No… Bee says there isn’t any.”
“Well, perhaps we can go look.” He’s catching onto something and I don’t know if he is playing off of the look on my face and therefore feels I need a break or if he is simply taking the opportunity to escape. Either work. “We can protect the carriage from them.”
“Oooo! I’ll be Mulan and you… you can be my helper.”
Will rolls his eyes at me and I let the smile fill my lips, “I knew you always were meant to be a little dragon.”
“Yeah-” He looks up at me and smiles, “a life goal.”
“Come on Will- don’t go slow!”
I watch them start to go but Uncle Mickey catches us all, “Hey… wait up. We are starting to line up and head out so you guys should get in here.”
“But… but…”
Her pout is coming so I move closer to the group and step in, “Brigid, its time. We’ll be back later and you can show Will.” I stare at her hard, “I promise.” She picks up that I am not lying and now is not the time to fight me. Time is up. And there are things left unfinished for all of us.
But Brigid looks so sad and now I feel horrible. Fuck them. They can wait. “Ya know what Brigid, we have like… two minutes. Think you can show Will in two minutes?”
“I know I can! Come on Will.” She grabs his right hand with both of hers and begins to pull him.
He hands Ben off to her and off they go.
I turn and stand. Uncle Mickey is next to me but he says nothing. At least for the moment. There isn’t much time to kill but right now, seconds feel like years. I can’t deal with more ‘sorry’s and stupid ass questions. I’m tired. And I’m… I don’t know what I am exactly. I’m pissed and I’m depressed and I’m sad beyond belief and I’m lost and… I’m too many things. Why bother trying to figure them out?
I take a step into the room but no further. The casket is in the other room. Right in front of me.
I’m just not that good yet. Not that ready. But time is short and I’m starting to lose my chance. Is it really a big deal if I go in there or not? This is all too weird. I don’t really know anybody. Tons of businessman and cops and old people. I know about a handful of them. Them I have spoken to over the past few days. It’s all the other ones that are looking at me. It’s their names I don’t know and frankly, don’t care to hear. I want a movie. A Tom Cruise one, my couch, my blanket and my mom.
But it’s funny. Ironic, yet at the moment funny because you truly don’t realize how much time you lost, wasted, or ignored until it’s gone. I was here. I was around. Every day was spent together and I really should have paid more attention. More attention to a lot of things. Fixed things and said things while I had the time. Life hasn’t been easy nor without complications but I should have fixed more than I did. And definitely should have spent more time with her. I did the last few months but… I mean in general. Before the news. She was such a remarkable woman and I should have paid more attention to that portion.
But I was young. I am young. Is that an acceptable excuse?
Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I turn slightly to see the man hasn’t left my side, “Are you always made keeper Uncle Mickey?”
“Only for the boys when the wives’ weren’t around. Your father has had some major heartaches
in his life and he’s a good man. I’m sorry he is going through this again.”
How true. How true. “We’ll have a new John Black now. He’ll need help. They all will.”
“Yes, they will but they have a lot of people. A lot of help.” Shrugging, I stay silent.
“Want me to paint you so you blend in with the wall?” Still, he gets nothing. I simply fold my arms. Not his fault. My head hurts. I’m tired. Just been a really long year. A stress- filled one. And I’ve had no help from anybody. They all left me. Deserted me and now want the sympathy and the pity.
There are moments when I truly believe that they don’t deserve it. “Ya know, you have your mother’s glare. It gets worse every time I see you. You really should have dormed and gotten away from it for awhile.”
“Too expensive.”
“Like expense matters.”
“None of the extras I was looking for.”
“Would have had them if you went to Duke like you-”
“It’s North Carolina.”
“You would have killed them and-”
“Uncle Mickey, now is not the time.”
“And now you are your mom. I half pity and half envy your boyfriend.”
That actually makes me smile. I know what he means by it. It’s sweet actually.
I hear her voice and I turn to watch Brigid and Will move towards us again. It’s now or never.
Quietly, my voice is scared. Noticeably scared. Why? Perhaps not scared. Perhaps just confused.
“Brig Beth- come here.” I look up at Will, he may be my little nephew but he’s too grown up to baby now. He is an impressive young man. Emotional and sheltered too long but he’s coming around.
Squatting down, I pull down the back of my shirt to make sure nobody gets an unwelcome viewing and pull her closer to me, between my legs. I fix her collar and look into her excited blue eyes, “Me and Will scared the robbers away but even Will wouldn’t let me have Dustin- not even to hold.”
“Well Will is the boss- remember what I said about all those bears?”
“Yeah. They are there to protect and make sad people smile.”
“That’s right.” She’s stubborn, tricky, and oh so quick. She is definitely her father’s daughter. He finally got one to come out like him. Even Brady seems to have mutated into having more mom qualities than dad. But those are my cheeks. They are without a doubt in the world my horribly chubby cheeks that look so adorable on her. Perhaps mine did too. “We’re going to go into the other room now, okay?”
“To say goodbye?”
“Yeah. You remember?”
“Yeah. I get to say goodbye to her one last time. But she’ll always be with me- in my heart.”
“And in your memory. Take Will’s hand.” We link together, I hold her arm, for she is hanging onto Ben and together we walk through the back room and into the uncharted territory. I don’t like it. All the sympathy eyed people looking up to see us and watch us. What’s the big deal? It’s a funeral. Happens all the time- next one is in twenty minutes. Just enough time to sweep up all the tissues so why are they staring? Its life. “Will- where are your tissues?”
He smiles lightly at the thought, “By the door. Will grab them on the way out.”
“Good thinking.”
I know these people. Wow. Should have tried this room two days ago. But then again, I won’t look at the casket. I have like twelve steps to get over it. But right now I need to be strong for these two, but I also am- well it’s all new to me too. These feelings- the confusion about them.
It’s just been a long year. I should have been ready. I was ready. But now I don’t seem to be. I’m acting like I’m two. Well seven perhaps.
The air just shouldn’t be this- empty.
I want to feel pain or just a deep sadness or a calm or something- it’s a shitty position- I don’t understand what I’m feeling and I’ve spent too much of my damn life that way.
“Brigid, we’re going to go kneel and say a quiet goodbye- in our heads, okay?”
“Kay.” She nods and drops Will’s hand so that her right one can take Ben and squeeze him tightly against her chest. Her eyes are wide open and moving all around her. Some may take it as a sign of nerves or fear, but its not. It’s her father’s look. Its intrigue mixed with excitement. A new place with new experience and she isn’t about to miss a detail. Eyes taking it all in- mind calculating all the moments and questions for a later date. She simply has father’s curiosity.
As for other’s eyes, they are all on us. Wonder if the others felt this way too. Or perhaps it is our bond with her that makes this moment a bit different. Or perhaps it’s because we haven’t walked in here yet.
I don’t look around. Right now I feel like a little kid and if I meet the eyes of any of these adults they will feel the need to coddle or baby us all and we don’t need that. I’m far beyond the age for that. Will is too. As for Brigid, she has us. Honestly, the only person who really has the right to help us right now is the one who cannot. He’s too tired. He’s too deep into his own world and loss right now and that’s okay. He has a right. Besides, he should be needing me right now, I think. Not the other way around. We’ll help the little one here. I think that is what he needs most of all right now. To know that she is just fine. That we are just fine and I’m trying my hardest to make that happen.
As for this one, honestly, I think she is taking care of us.
We are waiting for somebody else to finish. Must be a friend. The woman is wiping her eyes so they must be almost done. I feel weird just standing here. But what else can I do? But yeah, Brigid has taken care of me. Her personality makes everything okay. Tense moments, just look at her or listen to her voice and you know its all going to be alright. She felt that way too about Brigid. No matter how bad the day was. No matter how weak or how sick or how tired. A simple word from Brigid would create a deep smile. Or me, especially these last few weeks, I used Brig Beth often. Just too many moments where all I wanted to do was break. Weird moments. Scary moments. Helpless moments. When I couldn’t handle it, when the tears were gunna fall, or when
all I wanted to do was scream- I’d send Brigid in and I’d go clean something. Pick something up or cook something. Always my excuse. She knew. She saw right through me. She had that ability with people.
I stare at Brigid and watch her profile. She is staring at the casket or at the people. I can’t tell which from this perspective, but Ben is clutched tightly to her. My hand is very secure in her fingers and her head is leaning against Will’s leg. She’s very unsure.
“Belle, how do you do this daily? Is this what it’s like?”
I look up at Will and shake my head, “No. No… no this is… very different.” Text books don’t mention this- the personal side. It never says that one day that could be your mom or grandfather or best friend. You never think that way. You don’t think about how the body once was somebody’s friend, child, sibling… can’t do that. But now, now I feel I won’t have that option.
“No Will. Just not the same. Ready?”
I step and immediately feel Brigid and Will move with me. We kneel, while Brigid steps up on the padded rest to see into the coffin. My arm circles her waist to keep her put, “That looks like a comfy bed.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“She ever gunna wake up?”
“No sweetie. She is going to sleep forever and wake up in heaven. From there she can watch you and all of us.” I study her face but see nothing but curiosity.
“She sleeps in the comfy bed?”
“Yeah. Soon we’ll go to the cemetery and they will lower her and this casket into the ground to bury her. She’ll sleep under the ground with her mom and dad.”
“And with gofers.”
That statement causes a laugh to escape both Will and I. I try to cover it, comes out more of a weird snort. “I guess so.”
“Why are ‘dose things in there?”
I look up to see the cross and the family portrait that we took about five months ago, just before
Brigid’s fourth birthday. Was total chaos. So many people and nobody would sit when told, stand where told, or smile at the same time, but the picture shows us. Shows our ‘family.’ In all of our glory. Its reality. Couldn’t ask for a better picture. I smile softly at the image of Will with Brigid tossed carelessly on his back and Brady tickling me to the point that my face is bright red and eyes streaming with tears and Shawn is helping by holding me still. And there she stands,
just off to the side of the chaos, like she always did, silently watching and soaking it all in.
“Bee… Bee…” Her fingers tap my cheek, “Why ’dose things in there with her?”
“Oh… well, you know when you go on vacation? You like to take your blankie, and Ben and books, because you can’t leave those at home because they might get lonely? Well, it’s the same thing.”
She looks back in the coffin, “Those are very borin’ things to take on ’cation.”
Another smile. This is exactly what I mean. She makes it so easy. “Okay fold your hands and close your eyes. Saw goodbye in your head.”
I take in a deep breath, I can hear Will. We’re sitting here too long for him, I think. Reaching out a hand, I rub his back and close my eyes. I can’t stop thinking so a goodbye right now just won’t happen. Can’t think of anything to say. I am too focused on everything else- staying strong,
remembering to bring the prayers to church, wondering if I bought enough pop for the
after-thing. Time for goodbyes later.
“Ready?”
I stand and step back for Will to make his way out of the room. Brigid’s hand finds mine and we being to move- I’m just not sure where to.
I look around and feel a cool breeze hit the palm of my hand as Brigid lets go and moves back towards the casket. My body turns to watch- not without taking a quick glance at father to see if he’s watching too. Should never have thought differently. His eyes haven’t left us, I’m sure.
Stepping back up on the stool, Brigid reaches over to lay Ben within the casket. To say I’m surprised and curious is an understatement. She’s never let him out of her sight for long. “This is to make you less sad grandma, cause you look sad. Don’t be. Ben will go on ‘cation with you forever and he… he always helps me sleep. ‘Member you told me he is good at catching good dreams so he’ll make you not sad.” She lets her left foot reach the ground and hands lift from the metal before she quickly jumps back up, “Goodbye Grandma and I love you and… and…and…sleep beautifully.”
What Grandma Caroline always told her- to sleep beautifully. And now she seems satisfied with this and jumps fully down. She hears her name and runs into father’s arms. Did he hear her?
Who did? Do we leave Ben there? I’m tired of being in charge. Really I am.
I tense slightly then relax as I feel two hands lock on my shoulders and begin to absently kneed out the sore muscles. Her lips near my ear, “You are a remarkable woman- you know that Isabella? I’m so proud of you.” Allowing her arms to fall down and wrap around my upper body,
I lean back into her, “Thank you so much for your help- but you okay?”
Its then that I realize tears are falling down my cheeks. I just nod and hold her tighter to me, “I love you mom. We’ve said goodbye too many times to people.”
“I know my sweet girl. I know. Your grandmother loved you greatly and will always be here with us.”
She is right. Time to go to the car.
The Jarlena Journal 