Marlena nervously wrung her hands together as she sat in the vacant waiting room, fearing the worst yet somehow praying for the best. Her normally cool composure had abandoned her days before when she realized the severity of her predicament. A myriad of what-ifs danced in her head as a macabre picture of possible scenarios tortured her soul. WHAT WILL I DO IF THE BABY IS JOHN’S? HOW WILL I TELL ROMAN? WHAT IF ROMAN CAN’T FORGIVE ME? WHAT WILL WE DO WITH SAMI AND ERIC? HOW CAN I EVER FACE THEM AGAIN KNOWING HOW I’VE RUINED ALL OF OUR LIVES? Marlena thought.
“Oh, how did I ever let this happen?” she whispered to the sky above, praying that somehow God would honor her desperate pleas. JUST AS YOU HONORED THOSE SACRED VOWS, RIGHT MARLENA? A voice in her head seemed to scream. She wanted to just run away from everything, to never face the problem of this child’s parentage. WHY DID THEY HAVE TO FIND OUT I WAS PREGNANT? I COULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THE PROBLEM BEFORE ANYONE EVER KNEW. BUT COULD YOU HAVE REALLY HAD AN ABORTION, MARLENA, that voice whispered again. Either way this child was conceived in love and will find love no matter who is its father. She placed her head in her hands and tried to press the nagging questions from her mind.
A low whistle caught her attention as she heard the door swing open. She knew that sound. OH, GOD, WHY DID HE HAVE TO COME HERE NOW, she prayed silently. He slipped into the chair next to her and wrapped a comforting arm around her. She instantly tensed at his touch. No matter how many times she had tried, she had never been able to condition her body not to respond at his touch. Just one touch from him could completely send her to heaven and back again and that thought nearly broke her. If she had been able to control her feelings for him, she would not be sitting here right now, praying beyond every hope that this child was not his. She instantly turned away. She couldn’t afford to be seen with him, especially concerning the nature of the tests that she was having run.
“John, you shouldn’t be here. Someone could see us,” She whispered, carefully turning her head to ensure that no one could read her lips.
“Doc, we used to be married. I don’t think anyone will think anything about it,” He whispered, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly. “I guess you haven’t heard anything yet, huh?” She only shook her head. She wasn’t really in the mood to talk right now. “Are you doing okay?” He gently prodded.
“No, John, as a matter of fact, I’m not. I am sitting in a doctor’s office waiting to find out what my future holds for me. Either I have narrowly escaped a massive tragedy or I have ruined my life and the lives of my family. So to put it mildly, I am NOT doing okay,” She snapped, pulling away from him angrily. John’s heart broke at her words. He wanted this baby to be his desperately; whereas, she feared the exact same thing. Somewhere deep in his soul he needed this baby to be his; he needed the link to Marlena that a child would give him. If this child were theirs, their love would be eternally embodied in that child. If he could never have her again, at least he would have some little piece of her. He imagined sharing a little girl with her, a little girl with Marlena’s blonde hair and his blue eyes, with his mischievous smile and Marlena’s infectious laugh. Oh, yes, that was exactly what he needed.
A sterile nurse appeared at the waiting room door; her icy expression of disdain pinning Marlena in her seat. The already chilly temperature in the office seemed to drop drastically. Instinctively, John wrapped his arm around Marlena. The nurse apparently knew the situation and did not appreciate the circumstance that the good Dr. Evans had gotten herself into. John’s act of protectiveness only seemed to deepen the frown burrowed upon her face.
“Dr. Evans, Dr. Morgan would like to see you in the office. If you’ll just follow me,” She opened the door wide for Marlena to enter. Marlena’s heart dropped. DR. MORGAN WANTED TO SEE HER. THAT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING: THE BABY WAS JOHN’S! Panic coursed through Marlena’s body, causing her entire body to tremble. Gently, John helped her to stand and to walk to the door. She clutched his arm, frightened beyond all logical thought. He gently turned to her and whispered in her ear.
“Doc, if you want me to go in with you, I will,” She shook her head numbly. Having him there would only make the situation worse. If the baby were Roman’s she would be ecstatic while he would be heartbroken. And if the baby was his, well she didn’t even want to think about that. No, it would be best for him to be out here.
“No, that’s okay, I’ll be all right. Will you be waiting?”
“Of course, but are you sure you want to go it alone?” She glanced at him, her eyes wide and laced with confusion. She needed his comfort and yet needed him to be far far away from her all at the same time. His eyes seemed to reach out to her, providing her with a much-needed respite. She caved at his gentle prodding. He deserved to hear the results in person and besides his strength was greatly needed.
“No, I guess not. Please come with me, John,” She whispered softly. John’s heart swelled with pride. She needed him. Marlena needed him. It felt so good for her to need him. Gently, he ushered her in the direction that the nurse was leading. The nurse stopped at an ominously large brown door and instructed them to wait inside. Marlena balked, her legs nearly collapsing beneath her. It was as if this door was the door to her future, a future doomed to failure because of her mistakes. She just couldn’t bear to enter. Gently, John supported her and whispered for her to go in. She acquiesced, collapsing into a chair just inside the door. She willed John to go sit across the room. As much as she needed him, his presence only seemed to worsen the situation. As if he could read her thoughts, John took a chair on the opposite side of the room. Both remained silent, each too lost in his/her own thoughts to engage the other in conversation.
John flashed back to a time when Marlena had truly been his, when he had been free to hold her, to comfort her, to make love to her, the best time of his entire life. And now he was forced to watch from afar as she dealt with the crippling hand that fate had dealt her. GOD, THIS IS KILLING ME, his soul screamed. IF THE BABY IS ROMAN’S, I WILL HAVE TO WATCH AS SHE YET AGAIN CHOOSES HIM OVER ME. GOD, I DON’T THINK I CAN THIS TIME. PLEASE GIVE ME THE STRENGTH, he prayed. His mind swam to the other possible outcome: the baby was his. What would he do if it were his child she was carrying? He pondered the seemingly unanswerable question, searching deep in his soul for the right answer. I WILL FIGHT FOR THEM. I WILL FIGHT FOR THEM!
Marlena felt the knot in the pit of her stomach growing as she heard footsteps out in the hall. As the steps grew ever closer, her eyes grew wide with fear. Panicked, she turned to face John, silently pleading with him to absolve her of the sins she had committed. Suddenly, she jumped from her seat, rushing out the door and down the hallway. Dr. Morgan, who had been standing in the doorway, eyed John with apparent concern. John tried to force himself to stay away, to allow Marlena a few moments to reconcile her fears, but could not. He rose from his chair and followed in her path. He followed as she ran out into the hospital corridor, calling her name as he ran. She ignored his pleas to stop, only picking up more speed. Finally, she reached her office, and ran inside. Her secretary questioned her, but she brushed past her with a blank smile. She slipped inside her inner office, slamming the door behind her. John stood outside, afraid to intrude, but desperate to comfort her.
Marlena stepped inside the small bathroom attached to her office, quietly closing the door behind her. She collapsed upon the floor, clutching to the commode as if her life depended on it. Her white-knuckled grip did nothing to quell the sickness rising from her stomach. She sobbed quietly as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Unable to stand being apart from her in her time of need, John decided he had to go in. He stepped inside the office, frowning when he did not see her. The faint sounds of sobbing he heard tipped him off that she had gone into the bathroom. John knocked gently on the door, softly whispering her name as he knocked. He turned the doorknob and found the door unlocked. Quietly, he slipped inside. His heart broke as he saw her lying in a crumpled heap upon the floor. He dropped to the floor behind her, wrapping loving arms of concern around her. Gently, he wiped the mixture of tears and sweat from her cheeks with his sleeve. She surrendered to the warm familiarity of his arms, letting his comfort flow through her tortured soul. Gently, John lifted her chin until her eyes met his own. He flashed her a smile that he truly did not feel.
“It’s going to be okay, Doc. No matter what I will not let you go through this alone. I promise,” The confidence he had meant to show sounded like brass drums in face of the problems ahead.
Somewhere deep inside she just knew that this baby was his and although it remained a testament of their love, it also symbolized the destruction of her small world. John hugged her trembling body close to his. A tear fell unbidden down his cheek as he realized for the first time the magnitude of her pain. “Oh, Doc, I love you so much,” He whispered softly. Her sobs grew louder as she angrily pushed him away.
“You can’t love me. I’m married,” She hissed with an uncharacteristic anger.
“I know you’re married, Marlena. I wish just knowing that would change my feelings, but it doesn’t. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t regret ever letting you go back to him. I wish I had fought for you then and this time, well, I may not give up so easily. I love you more than you’ll ever know,” He whispered fiercely.
“Don’t say that. Please just don’t say that,” She rose and fled the bathroom, absently brushing at her tears as she walked back to the down the hall to Dr. Morgan’s office. She shouldn’t have fled, but she had just been so scared. She only wished that she could run from this monstrosity she had created. She wished she could do anything, but live it. Inside the office, Dr. Morgan sat at the desk, a concerned look decorating her face. Marlena attempted a smile and then dropped into the chair.
“Marlena, are you all right?” The concerned woman questioned gently. Marlena shook her head and forced a weak smile.
“I guess that all depends on what you have to tell me.” Marlena caught the slight grimace that crossed the doctor’s face and gasped softly. Her worst nightmare had come true.
“Marlena, I’m sorry. The baby is John’s.” Marlena’s eyes flooded with tears as her mouth flew open. John, who had followed her back to the office, fought to hide his excitement as he glimpsed the horror in Marlena’s eyes. What had they done?
Marlena just sat, numbly staring off into space, praying that she had misheard the doctor’s words. She gripped tightly to the arms of the chair and leaned forward, months of tension suddenly showcasing itself in her face. “I’m sorry. What did you say? I don’t think I heard you correctly.” She prodded, her voice weak and shaky. As the doctor prepared to drop the bomb once more, John inched his way over to Marlena, falling into the chair beside her. She threw a sideways glance of fear his way, but quickly turned her attention back to the doctor. John reached for Marlena’s hand. She quickly latched onto it, holding it in a fearful vise-like grip.
“Marlena, John, this is your baby. It’s not Roman’s,” Dr. Morgan whispered. Marlena dropped John’s hand and stood, pacing the room like a caged tiger. She felt as if her grasp of sanity was slowly slipping away. Dr. Morgan stepped toward her and smiled sympathetically. “I’m sorry. Please stay as long as you need. I’ll leave you two alone.” With that, she left the frightened couple alone.
John remained in his chair, his mind skipping in and out of possible solutions to offer Marlena. Marlena’s sobs assaulted his senses, preventing him from finding an adequate solution. He dropped his head, placing his hands over his ears to snuff out her sobs. A faint ringing caused them both to stir. Marlena immediately recognized the sound of her phone. She tried to collect herself, but found herself failing miserably. She picked it up and forced a cheerful hello. “Doc, it’s me,” Roman’s voice seemed to spear Marlena to the wall. She had never felt so miserable in her entire life. She drew a deep breath, clenched her teeth and rolled her eyes, trying to muster some strength so that he wouldn’t ask what was wrong.
“Oh, Roman, hello,” John’s head perked up, as his heart went out to her. Here she was finding out that hers and Roman’s life together might be over and he was calling to check on her. He tried to pretend he wasn’t listening, but couldn’t help but wish that he could make this whole situation go away, so that Marlena would not have to deal with it, anything so that Doc wouldn’t have to endure this torture.
“I just wanted to let you know that I am going to have to be gone for a few days. We found some new evidence in this case we’ve been working on, but it’s in a small town a couple of hours from here. Abe’s going with me, but I’ll get back as soon as I can. Will you and the kids be okay?” His gentle love seemed to radiate through the phone, only making Marlena’s torment worse.
“Yes, we’ll be fine,” She answered flatly. Talking to him right now was the last possible thing on Earth that she wanted to be doing.
“Doc, are you okay? You sound kind of funny.”
“I have a headache and it’s been a really bad day. Look Roman, I’m sorry, but I really can’t talk right now.”
“Okay, Doc, I understand. I love you and I’ll miss you.” Marlena felt the tears coming.
“I love you too,” John tensed hearing her say these words to Roman. He wished she were saying those words to him. “I’ll miss you too.” The last words meant so much more to Marlena. She knew that when he found out the truth he would leave and she would miss him. OH, DEAR GOD, I’LL MISS HIM. She thought.
“Talk to you later. Take care of yourself, the kids and that baby of mine,” This was almost too much. She gasped softly and placed a hand on her growing stomach.
“I will. Bye,” She pressed the off button and collapsed in the chair next to John. “I can’t do this to him. What have I done?” She sobbed into her hands, anger pain and fear causing her stomach to spin again. She grabbed the trashcan and vomited again. John dropped to his knees before her, taking a tissue from the doctor’s desk and wiping Marlena’s mouth and face with it. Then, he gently took her hands in his own.
“Are you okay, Marlena? I mean physically,” He gently questioned. She nodded her head.
“Nervousness makes me sick,” She absently tucked her hair behind her ears, trying to keep her eyes from meeting John’s. She knew that once she did, she would be lost. He could offer such gentle comfort without a word and usually she found that trait fantastic, but now . . . now she feared that she would collapse inside that comfort. She felt so vulnerable right now, a feeling she did not find appealing at all. John could no longer watch as she suffered. He had to say something, anything, to find some way to solve their problem, to ease her pain. “Where do we go from here, Doc?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know,” She murmured, desperately seeking some sort of divine guidance. “I guess I try to come up with the least painful way to break the news to Roman. He’s going to be gone for a few days so I have some time. But I think an eternity would not be enough time to come up with an easy way to break this to him.”
“Doc, why don’t you let me be with you when you tell him? We both made this mistake, not just you,” He kindly offered.
“NO! NO! No, I have to tell him myself. Besides if you were there, he would only end up fighting with you and I just can’t take that right now,” She sighed, feeling as if someone were draining every piece of her being from her.
“If he wants to hit me, let him, Marlena. I deserve it. I betrayed him and our friendship. Let him beat me to a bloody pulp if it will make him feel better.” John asserted.
“But he wouldn’t feel better. It wouldn’t change the situation and you would be hurt and I just can’t . . .” She let the sentence trail off. She simply couldn’t bear to voice the words.
“You can’t what, Doc?” He walked to her, lifting her chin to face him.
“I can’t watch him hurt you and I couldn’t possibly watch you hurt him. I love you both too much for that. Don’t you see that!” She yanked his hand off her chin and spun around, nearly losing her balance in the process. Gently, he grabbed her elbow, steadying her. She glared at him angrily, hating herself for starting at his touch yet again.
“You still love me, Marlena?” He had to know the answer; he simply had to. She dropped her head and angrily crossed the room. She couldn’t deny those words no matter how much she wanted to. She did love John, but she loved Roman too and the thought of hurting Roman with this news chilled her to the bone. She glanced up, his eyes catching her glimpse for just one second. “You don’t have to say it, Doc. I can see my answer in your eyes. When this is all said and done with, you’ll be mine and we’ll raise this child together.” Marlena glared at him again. He just didn’t seem to get it.
“No, John, I won’t be yours. My heart belongs to Roman and I will die trying to regain his trust and save our family. Yes, we will raise this child, but it will not be together,” She bluntly stated, not trying to mask her anger.
“You’ll see. You’ll see.” He pulled her into an embrace. Angrily, she shoved him from her, her body still tingling from his touch.
“No, John, I won’t see. I’m leaving. I have a lot of decisions to make. I’ll talk to you later.” She stepped out the door, furiously slamming it behind her. Sometimes he could be so infuriating. As she walked down the hall, she could hear his footsteps behind her. She furiously spun on her heels, spearing him with a single glance. “LEAVE ME ALONE. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I don’t want to see you. I just want to be alone. Can’t you see that?” She screamed.
John’s eyes widened in astonishment. He hadn’t seen her this angry in quite some time. Nurses appeared from far corners, peaking around to see what was happening. Marlena shot each of them a “drop-dead” glance and, mysteriously, they disappeared.
“If that’s what you want,” He whispered.
“That’s what I want. Goodbye, John,” She spat back angrily. John watched sadly as she escaped the doctor’s office. Silently, he sulked away, deciding to follow her home from a distance. She was in no condition to drive and he was going to make darn sure she got home safely.
As Marlena reached her car, she fumbled nervously with her keys, dropping them twice. She threw open the door and flopped inside, thankful for the haven of peace that she found there. She dropped her head to the steering wheel as the tears once again came. She threw up silent prayers to heaven, knowing that with her affair she had sealed her own fate. Apparently, God had turned a deaf ear on her plight. She let her head fall back upon the headrest and caught a glimpse of John in her rearview mirror. He was standing by the elevator, trying to blend in with the few strangers surrounding him, but she still found him. He was watching her, of that she was sure. Anger began to rise in her again. She thrust her keys into the ignition and started the car, an empty hollow laugh erupting deep in her throat as she watched him scurry to his Jeep. She slammed the car into reverse and sped out of the parking lot, leaving a frustrated John fumbling to get into his car.
Mechanically, she drove along the familiar road, making turns and stops automatically. She had gone this way so many times and yet it seemed as if this were her first time. Everything had changed inside that doctor’s office and she knew not how to return things to their former state. Scattered images flashed though her mind as she remembered scenes of her life. It was as if in many ways her life had ended in that doctor’s office and only now did she realize how much she had lost. Deep sobs caught in her throat, threatening to steal her breath from her. She gasped deeply, drawing as much air as possible into her lungs. She brought her hand to her chest as she drew another tortured breath. Just then a car swerved into her lane. Marlena yanked the wheel in the opposite direction, forgetting each rule of driving she had ever learned. The car behind her slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting her, but it was too late. Her deafening scream pierced the silence of the car as her car careened into the two cars surrounding her. Then, just as suddenly as it began, the scream ceased as Marlena’s head smashed into the dashboard.
John saw the backed-up traffic and instantly knew the cause. He slammed on his brakes and drove to the side of the road. He flew out the door, leaving it swinging haphazardly in the wind. He had to get to her. OH, WHY DID YOU LET HER DRIVE? A voice inside his head demanded. YOU KNEW SHE WAS IN NO CONDITION TO DRIVE. WHY DID YOU LET HER GO? He angrily castigated himself for letting her go, but refused to let that deter him from helping her now. He ran as hard as he could in the direction of the accident, each passing second seeming an eternity to his frightened mind. As her dark blue car came into sight, his worst fears were confirmed. OH, GOD, PLEASE DON’T LET HER DIE. I NEED HER! He prayed.
“Marlena!” he screamed as he saw her limp body inside the car. Spectators had gathered to see the accident. Several men were attempting to remove Marlena from her car. John brushed them all away with ease. He nearly ripped the door from its hinges, displaying an unconscious Marlena lying inside. He gently extracted her from the car, cradling her limp form close to his body. Onlookers simply stared as he eased her body to a grassy spot on the side of the road.
“Don’t just stand there. Call an ambulance. She’s pregnant!” He screamed angrily. An elderly woman ran back to her car and called 911. John quickly set about checking her pulse. It seemed a little weak, but he wasn’t sure if it were truly weak or if his fear were simply causing him to overact. Her body shivered in the cool air. He ran back to her car, yanking a blanket from her backseat. She always kept one there in case of an emergency. He carefully placed it around her, whispering heartfelt words of encouragement as he worked.
“Come on, sweetheart, come back to me,” He gently patted her cheek. As if she could feel the heat of his body, her eyes jolted open. John let out a heartfelt sigh of relief. “Oh, baby am I ever glad to see those eyes.”
“John, what happened?” She whispered weakly.
“I don’t know, Doc. I was too far back to see, but you were sandwiched between two cars. You’re lucky to be alive. How do you feel?” He gently smoothed her hair from her face.
“Okay, I still have a headache though,” John laughed.
“You’re lucky that’s all you have, pretty lady. There’s an ambulance on its way. Stay still okay.”
“I don’t need to go to the hospital,” She stated firmly.
“Well, it doesn’t look like you have a choice. You’re pregnant and we need to make sure the baby is okay. I will not take no for an answer.”
She surrendered, knowing fighting him would be futile. The wail of sirens quickly interrupted her thoughts. She found some secret part of her wishing that she had lost this baby, but then she grew angry with her train of thought. It was not this child’s fault that she and John had messed up. She looked up at John, his blue eyes riddled with concern.
“John, are you concerned for me or for the baby?” She questioned. John shook his head, shocked.
“For you, Marlena. When I saw this pile-up, somewhere deep inside I knew it was you. I couldn’t get to you fast enough. I can’t imagine my life without you, Doc. I don’t want to imagine my life without you. My feelings would have been exactly the same had that doctor told us you were carrying Roman’s baby. I love you and that will never change. Never.” She hadn’t expected such a passionate response.
“I’m sorry I asked.”
“I’m not sorry to tell you. I would never be sorry for that.” A paramedic found his way to her side, brushing John to the side. He checked her pulse and blood pressure and nodded.
“Your pulse and B/P seem to be good. Do you have any injuries? Any painful spots?” He questioned.
“My head hurts,” she mumbled. John jumped forward.
“She’s pregnant too. She has had some problems. She definitely needs to go to the hospital.” The paramedic smiled, taking John as a nervous husband.
“Are you her husband?” he asked a dismayed John.
“No, just a friend, a very good friend. Please take good care of her and that baby.” The paramedic attempted a smile and nodded awkwardly.
“I’m sorry,” His partner joined him at Marlena’s side. They efficiently placed a backboard under Marlena’s body and eased her onto the stretcher. “You coming along?” He questioned John. John looked to Marlena for his answer. Her eyes were wide with fear and apprehension.
“Don’t leave me alone,” She whispered, nearly inaudibly.
“Not half an hour ago you demanded exactly the opposite. Man, you sure are fickle, Doc,” He teased, climbing into the ambulance beside her. He gently took her hand and looked deep into her eyes. “And I’ll never leave you alone, Doc. Never.” Marlena felt herself falling into the blue waterfalls in his eyes. She wasn’t sure whether to feel afraid or assured, in fact she wasn’t quite sure what to feel at all. As the ambulance sped off to the hospital, Marlena felt a great fear rising in her soul, a fear she couldn’t quite comprehend or explain. She only held tighter to John’s hand, finding some measure of peace in his devotion. In a matter of moments, the ambulance stopped at University Hospital’s emergency room. The paramedics lifted Marlena’s stretcher to the ground and wheeled her into the ER, stopping only for John to grab her hand. As they wheeled her down the hall, a man who had been anxiously waiting for their arrival pounced upon them. His face was lined with worry.
“Marlena, are you okay? I heard your plates come through the scanner about being in an accident. I got here as soon as I could. Are you and the baby okay? John, I’m really glad you were with her. I was terrified about losing her. ” Marlena’s face froze with horror as she stared her worst nightmare in the face.
“Me too,” John mumbled as Marlena stared blankly up at both men. Here they both stood, ready to wait on her hand and foot. Her heart began to race. Roman took her hand from John.
“Doc, are you sure you’re okay?” The paramedics interrupted the exchange, preventing Marlena from having to explain any more. As they wheeled her away, Roman promised he’d be waiting when she came out and she knew from the look in John’s eyes that he too would be waiting for her. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I HAVE TWO MEN WAITING FOR ME. ONE THINKS HE’S MY BABY’S FATHER AND LOVES ME MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I’M GOING TO HAVE TO SHATTER HIS DREAMS. THE OTHER THINKS THAT HE HAS A CHANCE OF WINNING MY HEART, BUT DOESN’T KNOW THAT I CAN NEVER GIVE IT TO HIM. IT’S ROMAN’S NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE HIS. SOMEHOW, SOME WAY I WILL FIND A WAY TO MAKE EVERYTHING UP TO HIM AND WE’LL STAY TOGETHER. SOMEHOW . . . She closed her eyes, the pain medication she had been given in the ambulance beginning to take effect, and slipped into a dream world where all was right. Somehow she had found a place where she and Roman could be together. She didn’t know that her dreams would never be played out in daylight. She didn’t know that in a few hours her happy family would be irreparably damaged. Lost eternally. This time, Stefano had not beaten them. They had beaten themselves.
Marlena awoke in the emergency room, disoriented and frightened. A nurse gently smiled and offered the explanation Marlena had been looking for. Marlena let her aching head rest upon the stiff hospital pillow as she tried to come up with a plan to tell Roman the truth. She knew she had to tell him, but somewhere deep inside, she wished she could just pretend that she didn’t know the truth. Then, her mind flashed to John, those gorgeous blue eyes, that overwhelmingly large heart. He deserved to be involved in his child’s life. She owed him that much, at the very least.
“Oh, why does this have to be so complicated?” Marlena whispered.
“What’s that, Marlena?” Dr. Morgan entered the room, smiling warmly. She walked to Marlena’s side and gently squeezed her hand.
“Nothing. Is my baby okay, Dr. Morgan?” Marlena inquired.
“I don’t know just yet. The preliminary tests look good, but I want to run an ultrasound to make sure everything is all right with this little one. Would you like to see your baby?” Marlena’s eyes lit up as she felt a joy she hadn’t felt in months. Although this child had greatly complicated things, she loved it so much already. The thought of seeing it for the first time made her heart swell with joy. She nodded enthusiastically.
“Please call Roman. He’ll want to see the baby for the first time,” She stated without thinking, shaking her head as she remembered the truth. “I forgot.” She whispered half-heartedly. Dr. Morgan nodded sympathetically.
“Would you like me to get John?” Marlena began to cry silently.
“No, wait. I am sure he has his cell phone with him. Let me call him and tell him what’s going on and we can find a reason for him to come in here. Maybe you can say you need to find out exactly what happened in the accident. Could you do that for me, Dr. Morgan?” Marlena’s eyes pleaded with the kind doctor to agree. Dr. Morgan nodded.
“Of course, I will. I know this is hard for you. When are you going to tell Roman?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know,” Marlena whispered, reaching for the phone beside the bed and dialing John’s number.
John paced the hall nervously, his heart racing with both fear and excitement. Roman stood just outside the emergency room door, watching it like a hawk. Not a doctor or nurse passed by him without him inquiring about Marlena. Both men desperately desired to be with Marlena, comforting her, ensuring hers and the baby’s safety, but both were forced to stand around waiting for any morsel of news that may pass their way. The ringing of John’s phone brought a pleasant distraction for him. He smiled, happy for anything to take his mind off of the situation for a few minutes. He dragged it from his pocket and flipped it open.
“John Black here,” He stated.
“John, it’s Marlena. Don’t tell Roman it’s me. They want to do an ultrasound on the baby and I thought you deserved to be here. Dr. Morgan is going to come out and ask you to come tell her all the details of the accident. Come with her and don’t let Roman come. I can’t see him right now,” John’s eyes grew wide with excitement as he realized what this was costing her. She could have just done this without him or even let Roman be by her side, but she hadn’t. She had taken the time and a great risk to make sure that he got to see his baby for the first time.
“Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. Of course, I’ll do exactly as you asked, okay? Talk to you later,” John answered as vaguely as he possibly could, trying to keep Roman from catching on. He closed the phone, trying to stifle the triumphant smile creeping across his face.
“Hey, John, you get some good news?” Roman questioned.
“Yeah, sort of. Hey, look isn’t that Marlena’s doctor?” John pointed at the woman approaching them. Roman instantly whirled around to ambush the doctor.
“Dr. Morgan, my wife, is she okay?” His face was lined with such worry that Dr. Morgan felt quite sorry for him. In just a little while, his world was going to crumble and the poor man hadn’t a clue. She took a moment to utter a silent prayer for this man to find the strength to forgive his wife and accept her child.
“She seems to be doing quite well. We have to run some more tests . . .” Roman interrupted her mid-sentence.
“Can I see her?”
“No, not yet. When we are finished with the tests, I promise I will send you right back. Mr. Black, I need to ask you some questions about the accident. Could you come back with me?” John nodded and followed the doctor back to where Marlena was waiting. Roman flopped upon a chair in the waiting room. He was quickly losing his patience.
“Thank you, Dr. Morgan. I know it couldn’t have been easy to lie for us, but this means so much to me,” John whispered as he followed the doctor back to Marlena’s room.
“I don’t intend to lie. Mr. Black, can you tell me everything that you know about the accident? I want to make sure we assess the danger to both Marlena and the baby correctly,” Dr. Morgan stated flatly.
“Danger? Are they okay?” John’s eyes instantly widened with fear and apprehension.
“Not that we know of, but I want to make sure every possible danger is examined thoroughly. With as much stress as Marlena is under and is likely going to be under for the duration of this pregnancy, I want to make sure both are completely healthy. Now please, tell me what you know,” Dr. Morgan stopped outside a room, but held her hand out. She wanted to hear the details of the accident before they entered.
“I don’t know exactly what happened. Marlena’s car was sandwiched between two other cars. When I got to her car, she was lying unconscious. Her head was smashed against the dashboard, but it wasn’t bleeding. I got her from the car and carried her to the grass. I checked her pulse and she began shivering so I got a blanket and covered her up. Then she woke up. She seemed fine except for the headache, but I insisted that she come to the hospital. That’s about I all I know,” John smiled weakly, anxious to enter the room and see his growing child for the first time. The doctor read his anxiousness and opened the door. In a matter of seconds, John had crossed the room to Marlena’s side, holding tightly to her trembling hand.
“How you doing, Doc?” He inquired.
“I’ve been better,” She whispered as the doctor came towards her.
“Okay, we’re going to put this jelly on your stomach and run this paddle over it and you should get a pretty good picture of your baby. Are you guys ready?” John nodded his head enthusiastically as Marlena managed a smile. He had only known this baby was his for a few hours and yet he loved it so much already. Dr. Morgan set the monitor up so that they could see the baby and began performing the ultrasound.
Instantly, the baby’s fluttering heartbeat could be heard. Both John and Marlena smiled widely, the tiny sound soaring into their broken hearts tying them together eternally in just one moment. John held more tightly to Marlena’s hand, watching in awe as their child’s small form could be seen on the screen. They each let the soft whirring of their child’s heartbeat begin to mend their own hearts. Dr. Morgan pointed out its arms and legs, watching as the proud parents shared such a precious moment. She checked the baby’s vital signs and responses and smiled.
“Well, it looks like everything is just perfect. John, Marlena, your baby is just fine,” A noise at the door captured their attention. All occupants of the room looked up to see Roman staring at them, eyes wide with confusion.
“What’s going on here?” Marlena gasped, praying Roman had not heard the doctor’s previous statement. She dropped John’s hand as if it were on fire and frantically began searching for some sort of explanation to offer her husband. John stepped back from the bed, sensing Marlena’s fear and not wanting to add to it in any way. Dr. Morgan quietly began putting the equipment away, wanting to escape before the fireworks began.
“Roman, we need to talk.” Roman’s expression nearly tore her heart in two. He seemed so wounded that he had not gotten to see the first glimpse of their child. She could only imagine his pain.
“Yes, I think we do. Dr. Morgan, what did you mean by telling John and Marlena that their baby was fine? You know John is just our friend. Marlena is my wife,” Roman tried to explain the complicated situation to the doctor without really understanding the entire situation himself.
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry, Mr. Brady. I’m going to be going. The baby is doing fine and so are you, Marlena. I see no problem in you leaving the hospital now. Make sure you get plenty of rest. Take care of yourself and that baby,” Dr. Morgan quickly escaped the room. Roman looked back at Marlena. She seemed to be studying the sheet covering her with entirely too much earnest and John had suddenly developed an unexplainable interest in the curtain. Roman began to realize that something was really wrong.
“What aren’t you telling me, Doc? Is something wrong with you or the baby that Dr. Morgan didn’t want to tell me?” His eyes searched his surroundings for hidden answers.
“Nothing’s wrong with me or the baby. Roman, can we please go home? I have a lot of things I need to tell you,” Marlena pleaded.
“Not until you tell me what’s going on. John, what’s going on here? Why were you in here?” Roman turned to face his friend.
“Roman, I think you need to take Marlena home. She’ll explain everything, but I think it’s best for both her and the baby if you go home.” Roman’s ire began to grow.
“I’ll decide what is best for my wife and child. We’re not leaving this room until someone explains what’s going on.” He roared. Marlena tensed, already sensing the tears welling in her eyes. “Now, Marlena, please explain.” Marlena began to speak but choked on the tears forming in her throat. Her words came out in a frightened croak. John moved closer to the bed.
“Roman, please can’t we go home? I need to tell you this in private,” Marlena’s tears spilled upon her pale cheeks, her lips trembling with each word she spoke.
“John, can we please be alone?” Roman requested. John sent a thought of love to Marlena as he slipped out of the room. He collapsed upon the closed door, praying that Roman would let the issue drop until Marlena was safely home. Then, knowing Roman as he did, he prayed for God to give Marlena the strength to say the words that were killing her to even imagine. His eyes filled with tears. He gripped his head in his hands and slid down the wall in pain and fear. OH, GOD, PLEASE HELP HER. PLEASE! He whispered in between each tortured breath.
Roman sat down on the bed beside Marlena, taking her hand in his own gently. His expression seemed to exude love even through the confusion. Marlena bit her trembling lip and fought to control the fear threatening to destroy her.
“Doc, what’s wrong?”
“Oh Roman, I’m sorry. I was unfaithful to you with another man,” She choked out in between sobs.
“Marlena, that thing with John was a long time ago. I forgot about it. You thought he was me. It wasn’t your fault,” Roman squeezed her hand gently, praying that nothing more would come of this strange situation.
“No, Roman, this happened after you came back. This happened just a few months ago.” The words were so hard to say. Each party seemed to be slowly destroyed with each additional word.
“What? What are you saying, Doc?”
“Oh, Roman, I’m so sorry. I broke our marriage vows. I had an affair.” Roman jumped from the bed, angrily pacing the small room.
“Who was it?” He angrily demanded, his eyes shooting a flare of unmasked disgust at her.
“Roman, please don’t do this to yourself. It will only make things worse,” She pleaded.
“Marlena, if you slept with someone else I think I deserve to know who that was. Now tell me,” He growled. Marlena gasped at the harshness of his tone.
“John,” She whispered, choking on that single word. Roman turned to face her, feeling as if a volcano had just erupted inside his head. He must have misunderstood. Marlena would never betray him like this, never, and certainly not with a man he called friend.
“John?” Roman uttered. A dreadful picture began to play in his head. Once again, he saw John leaning over Marlena, holding her hand as they watched the ultrasound, each genuinely excited over the picture seen there. Suddenly, everything seemed frighteningly clear. “This baby, it’s not . . . It’s not mine, is it?” He whispered, all the while praying that this horrid reality weren’t true. The look of horror flashing in Marlena’s eyes answered his question. Yet, he still needed to hear it. “Say it, Marlena!”
“No, Roman, this baby isn’t yours. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you to find out like this,” Tears streamed down her face, pooling upon the sheet covering her slightly swollen stomach. Sobs began racking her body as she whispered her apologies over and over again.
“What? You had a better way planned to destroy my life?” Roman bit back sarcastically. He turned away from her, unable to stand the sight of her. He couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her. He had to leave. He turned around and shot her a glance laced with malice, wanting to find some words to wound her as deeply as she had just wounded him. When he could find none, he whirled around, fleeing the room in anger. Marlena climbed out of the bed tossing the sheet aside absently, desperate to save her marriage.
John saw Roman explode from the room and jumped to his feet, fearing the fireworks to come. Abe, who had decided to follow Roman to the hospital, chose this moment to seek out his friends. Roman saw John rise and speared him with a glance. He crept towards John angrily, like a lion hunting his prey. Abe eyed the pair with apparent confusion, but read the anger in Roman’s eyes perfectly.
“Roman, NO!” Marlena screamed as Roman lunged at John. Abe jumped in between the pair, pulling Roman off of John.
“What’s going on?” Abe demanded as he continued to fight against Roman’s angry pull.
“You want to know what’s going on here, why don’t you ask my good FRIEND John here or maybe my WIFE?” Roman spat angrily, shoving Abe away from him. He stalked down the hallway, leaving a distraught John, confused Abe and broken Marlena in his wake. Abe turned to face Marlena and John.
“What just happened here?” Abe demanded again. John walked to Marlena’s side, pulling her sobbing form from the floor.
“Abe, I promise I’ll explain later. Please just go after him. He’s in no shape to drive. Please,” John begged as he supported Marlena’s weight.
“All right. I’ll go,” Abe ran after Roman, praying that his friend would be all right.” John lifted Marlena into his arms and carried her back into the room, laying her trembling body upon the bed. Her eyes were filled with sheer agony as she cast a forlorn glance up at him.
“Oh, John, what have we done?” She pleaded. John was left to ponder that imponderable question as she surrendered to the sobs overtaking her body. He wanted more than anything to take her in his arms and hold her until her fears subsided, but knew that he could not. So he watched helplessly as her world crumbled, the world he had helped create, the world he had just destroyed.
John stoically stood in the doorway of Marlena’s hospital room, watching as she tried to retain some grasp on her life. She sat with her knees curled tightly to her chest, rocking back in forth rhythmically as if responding to some lullaby playing in her mind. Soft sobs escaped her lips as the crystalline tears streamed down her face. She reminded him of a child, retreating to a place inside her mind where life did not capsize every few years. Tears dripped soundlessly down his cheeks as her tortured sobs echoed through the room, ringing out like a gunshot within the chambers of his mind. He knew that she may not want him to comfort her, but he also knew that he could not just stand by and watch as the world he had helped destroy crumbled at her feet. He had to offer her some sort of comfort.
He tentatively approached her as if he were walking on eggshells. Her body began shivering uncontrollably as the cold stark reality of the situation finally struck her. She had never felt so cold and alone in her entire life. She cast a heartbroken glance up at him, clenching his decision to hold her until the tears ceased. He sat down upon the bed and gently placed his hand upon the nape of her neck, gathering her into a tender embrace, his own body trembling at the electricity coursing through them. At first she resisted, fearing being caught in such a compromising position, but quickly realized the futility of hiding from people anymore. She let her head fall to his shoulder, silently surrendering to the familiar comfort found in his embrace. His body melded to her own, generating enough heat to stop her body from quivering. She cast an upward glance as John searched out her gaze with his own, a warm glow of passion brimming just beneath the surface of his brilliantly blue eyes. For one moment, they both sat, completely transfixed by the sight of the other. Suddenly, Marlena twitched, a subtle smile creeping across her face. John eyed her with apparent confusion.
“What is it Doc?” He questioned. Marlena gently took his hand and placed it upon her stomach, her thin hospital gown serving as the only separation between them. John felt a soft kick to his hand, a sure sign that the baby was alive and well. He sat, mesmerized by the movement he felt there. His eyebrows raised in disbelief as his smile lit up each inch of the pervading darkness. “That’s my baby . . . Our baby.” Marlena tried to hide the pain that those words caused for just one moment. She let herself find comfort in John’s excitement. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would love their baby. Actually, adore was probably a better word. As much as this situation hurt her, it was bringing much-deserved happiness to John. If she couldn’t be with him, which she knew she never could, she could at least give him some little reminder of the tremendous love and bond that they shared.
“Yes, John, that’s our baby,” She choked back the tears that threatened to come.
Abe knocked on the door quietly and cleared his throat. He had not been able to find Roman and felt that he deserved an explanation for the scene that had occurred earlier. He also found it quite odd that John and Marlena were sharing such a tender moment in light of the evening’s previous problems, but knew there must be some logical explanation and he was determined to hear it. He cleared his throat again, finally capturing the preoccupied couple’s attention.
John and Marlena simultaneously turned toward Abe. Marlena’s eyes dropped to the bed almost instantly as a fresh wave of guilt and shame washed over her. John managed an awkward smile, but quickly removed his hand from Marlena’s stomach. He jumped up and walked towards Abe, silently praying that Abe had gotten through to Roman.
“Did you find him, Abe?” He prodded, trying to distract Abe from the scene he had just witnessed.
“No, John, I didn’t. He was long gone. I checked the office, the pier, the pub and the house too, but nothing. I don’t know where he went,” Abe walked closer to the bed, not missing the trail of tears decorating Marlena’s pale cheeks. He sat down upon the bed beside her, taking her hand in his own. “We’ve always been good friends, haven’t we Marlena?” Abe questioned, trying to find some sort of explanation.
“Yes, Abe, we have. And I know what you want to hear. You want to hear that Roman and I just had a fight, that everything will be all right in a few hours, but I can’t tell you that,” She whispered. A lone tear, following in the glistening paths of those gone before it, trickled down her cheek. Abe squeezed more tightly to her hand.
“What happened between the three of you?” Abe glanced back at John who was hovering near Marlena’s side. John quickly decided he would save Marlena from the shame that those words would bring to her.
“Abe, Marlena and I had an affair a few months ago. Roman found out about it and was understandably angry,” John stepped in, acting as Marlena’s brave protector once again. Abe looked to Marlena for confirmation. She nodded her head weakly, affirming the painful words John had said. Abe gasped, drawing his hand back and staring at Marlena and John as if they were strangers.
” How could you do that to him? John, he considered you one of his best friends. And, Marlena, you are his world. You said a few months ago, does that mean it’s over between the two of you now?” Abe accused angrily.
He was completely taken aback by the vehemence of Marlena’s reply. “Yes, Abe! We knew it was wrong, but the bond between us was too strong and we just couldn’t deny our feelings anymore. I never thought it would lead us here,” John quickly diverted his eyes from Abe’s questioning glare, knowing he could not deny the feelings he felt for the woman who was carrying his child. Abe, all too perceptively, caught this, but chose to ignore it for the moment.
“How did he find out?” Abe whispered, praying beyond all hope that the idea flashing in his head was not true.
“I told him,” Marlena whispered hoarsely.
“Why? After all these months, if you had gotten away with it, why tell him now?” Abe stood and began to pace the room, feeling some magnitude of the pain of betrayal that the man he considered his brother must be feeling.
“The baby’s not his, Abe. It’s John’s. We found out today and I could never hide that from him or keep John from being involved in his child’s life,” John tensed. Just moments ago, it had been THEIR baby and now suddenly it was HIS CHILD. What had happened in those few moments? It was as if for just one moment she had given in to the fantasy that they might one day be a real family, but then just as quickly she had forgotten that dream and slipped back into the dark depths of reality. He dismissed the disturbing thought from his mind and glanced at his friend. Abe’s face registered the shock he felt deep inside. He wanted desperately to hate both John and Marlena for hurting his best friend, but he knew deep down inside that their feelings stemmed from the time that they had shared as husband and wife, the time that Roman had expected Marlena to dismiss from her memory without a second thought. Apparently, it hadn’t been that easy. “Abe, I know you’re angry at us both, but, please, can you go check again for him? I need to know that he’s all right.” Marlena pleaded.
“Yeah, I’m sure he needs to talk to someone,” Abe tried to force the anger from his voice. Then he looked up at Marlena. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, brimming with shame and despair. Her complexion was whiter than he’d ever seen it. She appeared to be only an apparition of her former self, and suddenly he began to feel her pain as well.
“Marlena, are you okay? I mean, the accident, is everything okay with you and the baby?” His concern shown plainly in his dark chocolate eyes, forcing the anger beneath the surface.
“Yes, Abe. We’re fine. Dr. Morgan said that I could leave whenever I’m ready. Thanks for asking, ” She nodded, hugging her arms to her chest tightly in an empty attempt to banish the fear encroaching upon her.
“Where are you going to go, Marlena?” Abe offered the question that John had been thinking.
“I’m going home. Roman and I need to talk and I need explain things to our children. This is going to be so hard on them, especially Sami she is so close to her Daddy. She can’t stand to see him hurt.” Marlena’s answer was exactly what John and Abe had prayed she wouldn’t say.
“Do you really think going home is wise, Doc? Roman is not ready to see you yet. You can camp out at my place tonight,” John offered.
“Yes, John, that’s a wonderful idea and then tomorrow I’ll waltz home and tell my husband I am so sorry that I had an affair and don’t worry, nothing happened when I spent the night with my former lover last night. I am sure he would love to hear that,” She snapped back sarcastically. Then she paused, regretting her harsh words, and thoughtfully looked up into his eyes, whispering, “No, John, I have to go home and try to save my marriage. I made this mess and now I must deal with it,” John turned his back upon them, not liking being referred to as her former lover and hating the anger suddenly exuding from her. He wanted to take care of her, actually he needed to take care of her. He needed to be there for her in this difficult time, and, yet, he was the last thing she needed, or so he thought.
Abe gently squeezed Marlena’s shoulders, wrapping his arms around her in silent support. He knew how much she loved Roman, but he also knew how much she had once loved John. WAS IT TRULY OVER FOR HER? HAD HER LOVE FOR JOHN FADED SO QUICKLY? SHE WOULD HAVE NEVER STAKED HER MARRIAGE FOR SOME FLING. He looked up at John, who was hovering around Marlena like a mother hen. MARLENA MAY BE OVER JOHN, BUT HE IS FAR FROM OVER HER. UNLESS, I MISS MY GUESS, HE IS GOING TO FIGHT LIKE A WILDCAT TO KEEP HER AND THAT BABY IN HIS LIFE. AND HEAVEN HELP ANYONE WHO MIGHT FALL INTO HIS PATH.
Abe whispered his support in Marlena’s ear and then made an exit, promising to do everything in his power to locate Roman. He shook his head in confusion as he left the room, not understanding the feelings washing over him. His best friend had been betrayed in the most painful way and yet the anger he wanted to come faded further and further into the horizon. He found himself hoping that John and Marlena were finally allowed the happiness that both deserved. He pushed the thoughts from his head and concentrated on finding his broken-hearted friend.
Marlena turned away from John as soon as Abe exited the room. She could not handle the pity she saw in his eyes. But, there was something else brimming there that scared her even more. She recognized it quite well. She had seen it that night on the plane and again in the conference room. It had drawn her to him in such an inexplicable way and now it began to weave a web of confusion around her heart. It was love; sweet, kind, gentle, unconditional love. He didn’t only love her if she did exactly as he instructed her and he didn’t expect her to dismiss years of her life from her memory without a second thought. He just loved her, plain and simple. For everything she was and for everything she might someday become. She screamed inwardly at the direction her thoughts were taking. Roman had her heart now. That’s all there was to it. Her feelings for John had ended that night in the pond. She had sworn that to herself. They had disappeared forever that night . . .or had they?
“So why don’t you get dressed, Doc, and I’ll take you home,” He suggested, handing her the pile of clothing that the nurse had removed from her. She took them from his hand, his fingers brushing gently against her hot flesh. Once again, she started, but forced herself not to let her arousal show. John quickly ducked his head; all too aware of the response her body had emitted at his touch.
“I’ll take a cab. It’s better that way,” She whispered, knowing he would fight her on this.
“Please, Doc, let me help you. I NEED to help you,” He pleaded.
“The best way for you to help me is to stay away from me. Not forever, just until some of the dust settles,” She looked deeply into the oceans of his eyes.
“I can’t do that. You know that,” He informed her.
“You have to. If you love me like you say you do, you must do this for me. John, it’s all I ask,” John felt the tears brimming in his eyes begin to spill over lids, forging invisible trails down his tanned cheeks. He forced himself to look into her eyes. They held no anger, only a silent plea. He nodded his head, knowing that this separation would kill him.
“Okay, Doc, if that’s what you need. I would move the world for you, you know?” She nodded silently. “I’ll always love you. If you need me, just call, anytime night or day. Promise me that and I’ll go,” He begged, holding tightly to her limp hand.
“I promise you,” She whispered. He leaned down and brushed his lips across her forehead, stopping to wipe a tear from her cheek with the pad of his thumb. I LOVE YOU. He mouthed silently as he turned and escaped the room. He had never faced something so difficult in his life. Knowing she needed him more than ever before and knowing that he could not be there for her was killing him. He walked down the empty hallway, feeling as if he had just attended his own funeral.
Marlena collapsed into a crumpled heap upon the bed, every ounce of strength quickly escaping her weak body. She tried to force herself to change clothes, but found no energy. So, she lay on the bed, contemplating her next move. She rested for a few minutes, surprising herself by falling into a light sleep. A nurse stopped by to check on her and awakened her from her much needed rest. Marlena asked the nurse if she could help her dress and the nurse gladly obliged. She knew nothing of Marlena’s situation, but was touched by the pain swimming in Marlena’s eyes. A few minutes later, an orderly was wheeling her out of the hospital to a waiting cab. She informed the driver of her address and sat back to find a few moments of peace before the real explosions began. She had fallen asleep again when the driver opened the door for her. She politely thanked him and used his proffered hand to exit the vehicle. Every day this baby was growing and making simple tasks just a tad more difficult.
Outside of the house, Marlena stood, nervously trying to come up with any way to ease Roman’s pain. When she found none, she decided to go on in. No one seemed to be home. She called out but no one answered her. She sat down upon the couch and rested her aching head upon a pillow, not being able to stand the thought of spending the night alone in the bed she had shared with both of the men in her life. She wrapped a blanket around her, deciding only to rest for a few minutes. The silence seemed to mock her pain as she attempted to find some peace in her dream world. When no peace could be found, she walked over to the stereo and turned on the CD player. She pressed play absently, not really caring what she listened to as long as something was there to save her from the solitude of her thoughts. A song from the Les Miserables soundtrack began drifting across the room and Marlena was struck by its similarity to her own life.
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
As the remaining notes flowed across the room, Marlena began to cry once again. Her dreams had all been stolen, stolen by a man obsessed with her family. And now as she sat in the tattered ruins of her broken dreams, she bid a tearful goodbye to the life she had once lived, to the man she still loved. After many more fallen tears, she fell into an exhausted sleep, tortured by the dreams haunting her troubled mind.
Roman walked in the front door, emotionally overwrought. He had spent the last hour talking to Abe on the pier, and yet, he still had no answers. He saw his wife lying upon the couch asleep. He slowly crept toward her, angry at the feelings of love surfacing above the anger. He dropped to his knees before her and took her extended hand. He watched as her chest slowly rose and fell. He had always enjoyed watching her sleep, but now everything was different, oh so different. As the tears cascaded down his cheeks, he whispered the question nagging his mind.
“Why, Doc, why?” Marlena’s ears caught Roman’s voice, waking her from her restless sleep. Her eyes slowly opened and she squeezed tightly to Roman’s hand. He quickly dropped her hand and backed away, the mask of anger once again in place. For one brief moment, she had sensed the love pouring out of him and now suddenly all she could feel was an overwhelming sense of anger and disgust seemingly oozing out of his every pore.
She slowly sat up, grabbing her throbbing head as a sudden rush of pain invaded her senses. He looked entirely unfazed. His voice of anger filled the room, exploding inside of her aching head.
“WHY, MARLENA, WHY? Why did you do this to us?” He screamed. “How could you sleep with him? How could you sleep with me? You know I’ve heard a word to describe women like you. SLUT!” He spat angrily, whirling around to leave the house. He smacked right into Eric who had just returned home from a date. He looked at his mother, silently crying upon the couch, and then to his father, eyes wild with anger. For a moment, all time seemed to stand still as Marlena and Roman watched their son’s small world being torn in two once again.
Marlena prayed Eric had not heard his father’s angry words, but one look in his eyes dismissed that prayer. Eric’s eyes, so much like Marlena’s, grew wide with shock as Roman’s words echoed over and over in his head. He knew in that instant that the happy family he had called his own had just disappeared. He didn’t even know the man standing before him anymore. THIS WAS HIS FATHER? His real father would never, ever refer to any woman in such a way. He wondered, not for the first time, how the man standing before him could possibly be his “father”.
Eric walked closer to his Roman, still not believing the words he had just heard escape his “father’s” mouth. He glanced at his mother once again. She looked completely heartbroken and Eric could not stifle the bile rising from the pit of his stomach. He shot a malevolent glare at Roman, a look demanding an answer. Roman felt himself spiraling further and further out of control as his son’s gaze pierced his soul. Marlena was the one who deserved to bear the brunt of Eric’s anger and he didn’t intend on staying here any longer while his son treated Marlena like the innocent heroine. Roman simply ignored Eric’s demanding glare, absently brushing past him. Eric was not to be put off so easily. Marlena caught the subtle flash of anger shining in Eric’s hazel eyes and rose to go him, fearing another confrontation between two men she loved dearly.
“Eric, just let him go,” She whispered in his ear, as she placed a gentle hand upon his shoulder. Eric shook his head furiously.
“Not after what he said to you.” He stated firmly. “No, Roman, you’re not leaving so easily.” Eric spat. Roman shook his head angrily. It was suddenly apparent that John’s takeover of his life had been complete. Marlena was carrying John’s child and now Roman’s own son refused to acknowledge him as his father. What did he have left? He had had such dreams at the start of this day. He had a hope, a future, and a wonderful family with another member on the way and now, now he had nothing.
“Eric, you have no idea what’s going on here. Stay out of it.” He barely whispered, turning to leave once again.
“Not after what you called her. My father taught me never to call a lady such a name and I will not stand for you calling Mom that. I don’t care what happened between the two of you. She is not, nor never will be a slut.” Roman tensed, knowing that once again Eric was referring to John as his father. Each time he heard the word escape Eric’s mouth, the knife dug a little deeper into the pit of despair residing in Roman’s heart.
“John is not your father. I am. And I’m just calling things as I see them. Why don’t you tell him why that name is so fitting, Marlena?” Roman shot back, turning to face a horrified Marlena, his anger at the entire messy situation now guiding his each movement. Marlena gasped raggedly; she had never wanted the children to find out in such a disturbing manner.
“Roman, now isn’t the time or the place and you know that. Just leave until you can be civil towards those who love you,” She stated, praying that Roman would let the matter drop. Eric deserved to find out the truth, but not like this, not as punishment for standing up to his father.
“Why, Dr. Evans, are you ashamed?” Roman ridiculed, his eyes showcasing an empty mirth. Eric had seen enough. His father had gone too far. He pulled back his fist, poised to make his father regret those hateful words, and slammed it into Roman’s jaw. Marlena screamed, desperately trying to pull Eric off of his father. The agony of her desperate pleas tore through Eric’s soul; yet, he could not stop. Roman fought back, letting all of the anger flow from his body. He didn’t consciously realize that it was his own son who he was hitting. He only knew that for the first time since he had returned to the life he’d left behind, he could express his anger, his hurt, his betrayal freely. He punched Eric once for accepting John as his father and another time because Marlena had welcomed a stranger in her bed. As each betrayal spun furiously in his shattered mind, Roman felt his grip on sanity slipping. Suddenly, he was a spectator, watching as some angry man beat a young man to a bloody pulp, watching as some woman screamed at the man to stop.
Then, he realized . . . that angry man was him. He pulled back, frightened by what he had let his emotions do to him. Eric crawled away from him, wiping his bleeding nose with one hand, while still shielding his face with the other hand. Roman moved to apologize to Eric, but Eric only pulled himself into a tight ball to ward off the impending blows. At Roman’s gentle touch, Eric shrunk back, terrified. Marlena knew not what to expect. Was Roman going to hit Eric again or was he already regretting the blows he had delivered?
Uncertain and still frightened for her son’s well being, she intervened. “Roman, he’s your son. Don’t hurt him anymore. Please,” She pleaded. Eric rose, still wiping his bleeding nose, and wrapped a protective arm around his mother. “I think it’s time for you to go, Roman.” Marlena whispered. Roman obeyed, unable to believe the things he had just done. He let his hand linger momentarily on the door handle as he bid a silent goodbye to the life he had once lived. Then he slowly crept back inside the car he had left only minutes ago. He wondered when time had ever moved so slowly as it had in the past few hours. Sadly, he glanced up into the rear view mirror, shrinking back at the man he saw looking back at him.
“What have I become? I was punishing my son for his mother’s sins, for my sins. Oh, God please help me,” He cried, letting his head fall upon the steering wheel. He had hoped to find some sort of peace or freedom upon leaving the house, but all he felt was an overwhelming sense of loss.
Marlena wrapped her arm around Eric, letting her head fall against his strong shoulder. He was so much like Roman, whether he wanted to admit it or not. She took his hand and led him to the couch, each finding a bit of comfort from the familiar blue cushions. She looked deep into his eyes. He was so angry, so very angry.
“Eric, I need to explain to you why your father said those things to me. He had every right.” Eric began shaking his head.
“Mom, he had NO right, NO right to call you a . . . a . . . slut. You are the most kind and decent and honorable woman I have ever met. Dad, I mean Roman, knows that,” Eric whispered fiercely.
“Eric, you don’t understand,” When he opened his mouth to speak again, she put a slender finger to his lips. “Just listen. I need to tell you some things. They won’t be easy to hear, but you need to hear them, nevertheless,” When she finally felt sure he would comply with her request, she removed her finger from his lips and started her dreadful tale. “Eric, there’s no easy way to say this. I had an affair. The baby I’m carrying is not your father’s. He has never been so hurt in his life. I took away the very thing he had been looking most forward to. That baby meant so much to him. And now it’s not even his. He has every right to call me all those things and more,” Eric’s eyes began to water as questions began swimming in his mind.
“Who, Mom?” Eric knew the answer before the words ever left his mother’s lips.
“John. John is the baby’s father. Eric, you remember how much John and I loved each other. That didn’t end when your Daddy came back and we just couldn’t fight it anymore. We didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did.” She looked deep into her son’s eyes, no anger could be found there.
“Mom, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt, but I do remember how much you and Dad loved each other. We were a family, a real family. If it had to be anyone, I’m glad it was him,” Eric was obviously fighting the tears that threatened to come. Marlena gently placed a hand on his shoulder, causing his resolve to collapse. He began to cry. She wrapped her arms around him, gently patting his back. After a few moments, he pulled back and looked into her eyes.
“So, are you getting a divorce?” He whispered.
“We haven’t really talked about it, but I expect your father to ask for one. If it comes to that, I will move out and you and your sister can stay here with your dad. He’s going to need you two now more than ever,” Marlena gently wiped away a tear that was slowly creeping down her son’s cheek. Then, she placed a kiss on his forehead. “No matter what happens, never forget that your dad and I love you.” Eric nodded blankly, his mind deep in thought.
“Mom, I don’t want to stay with Dad. If you go, I’m going with you. You and the baby need someone to take care of you,” Eric stated firmly, knowing that his solution was the best solution. “Besides, I couldn’t live here without you.”
“Eric, we can talk about this if it happens. I am going to do everything in my power to keep it from happening. You don’t worry about it, okay? Why don’t you go get some rest? I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day,” He nodded obediently, the weight of his worries hanging heavy on his mind. He bent over and placed a gentle kiss upon her forehead. “I love you, Eric.”
“I love you too, Mom. Goodnight,” he whispered as he made his way upstairs. Marlena watched, her heart breaking with each step he took. His normally perfect posture had been replaced by a half-hearted slump. He seemed to have lost a part of himself too. Marlena surmised that it was the part of him that had somehow believed that they could form a family out of the sorry mess Stefano had created for them. It was his faith and his hope. She only hoped that somehow, someday, she could help restore those gifts to her son’s life.
As she sat in the dark living room, she began to feel so very alone. She wrapped a blanket around her as if to ward off the solitude creeping towards her. She tried to sleep, but found that she could not. Roman’s eyes kept flashing in her head, so hurt so broken. OH, HOW COULD I HAVE HURT HIM SO, she whispered. The coldness of the surrounding solitude seemed to tear at her very being. She needed to talk to someone. She needed to feel loved. She picked up the phone and dialed the familiar phone number. She waited as it rang and rang. No answer.
“Oh, John, where are you? I need you,” She whispered softly as she hung up the phone. With the blanket still wrapped tightly around her shoulders, she walked to the mantle and picked up one of the pictures resting there. It was of her and Roman and the children. They all seemed so happy. She traced each face with her finger, pausing as she reached Roman’s boisterous smile. Marlena’s hand began to tremble as she realized that he would never be that happy again. A knock at the door startled her causing her to drop the picture. The glass shattered into a million pieces and Marlena felt her heart shatter as well. She began to sob as she frantically tried to put the frame back together, the shards of glass pricking her fingers as she worked.
John, stood outside the door, waiting for someone to answer. He heard something shatter inside and grew instantly frightened. He tried the handle and was relieved to find the door open. His heart nearly broke as he spotted Marlena on the floor, her fingers bleeding, desperately trying to repair the damaged frame. He walked to her side and dropped to the floor beside her. She looked up at him, despair glazing over her clear eyes.
“It’s broken,” She held up the tattered photo for him to see. “I’ve broken it and I can’t fix it,” She sobbed. He took her in his arms, lifting her from the floor. She kept reaching for the broken pieces as if her life were somehow contained in that frame.
“It’s okay, Doc. It’s just a frame. We’ll get you a new one,” He promised as he wiped her bleeding fingers with his shirttail.
“It’s not just a frame. It’s my family and I’ve ruined them. I’ve ruined me. I will never be able to just get a new one. Oh, John, what do I do now?” She cried as she let her head fall to his chest. He only shook his head, trying to soothe her fears with the warmth of his embrace. He may not be able to repair her broken family or replace them, but he was going to do his best to help create a new one with her and their child. Even if she didn’t want that now, someday she would. Someday, they would have a family all of their own. Someday . . .
John held Marlena tightly to his chest as he settled on the couch. Her entire body shook with the heartwrenching sobs nearly tearing his own soul in two. She mumbled incoherent sentences, emphasizing each statement with a fresh round of tears. John just whispered soft words of love and comfort into her ears, silently praying that God would bring some rest to her exhausted body. He wished with all of his might that he could turn back the pages of time and make things right for her. But what was right? Her being separated from the one who held the key to her heart so that she could continue to provide a haven for her children. Was that really right? Somehow, he could not quite agree with that at all. Maybe, this was all a way for them to finally be together. Maybe fate was intervening on their behalf because they had not handled things properly themselves. He shook his head, refusing to think about those things now. Marlena needed him and he needed to be there for her. He could not allow his vision to be clouded by his love for her. She needed a friend now, not a lover. Maybe someday, though, that would change. Suddenly, as he finally pulled himself out of his reverie, he heard her begin to utter clear sentences. The sobbing had stopped. He had to stop dreaming and listen. She deserved his undivided attention. Gently, he pulled back so that he could look into her eyes.
Eric had heard the crash downstairs, but ignored it. He figured his mother had simply begun releasing her pent-up anger. But, now his mother’s mournful sobs were tickling his ears, pleading with him to comfort her. He rose from bed and began to make his way downstairs to somehow help end her pain. He was surprised to find her on the couch wrapped within John’s strong arms. For a moment, his heart twinged with some sense of the betrayal his father must have felt, but then he noticed how John’s presence calmed her. Already, her tears were slowing. Unsure of what to do, Eric quietly sat upon the stairs to observe the scene below. He watched as John took his mother’s chin in his hand and turned it up to face him. John’s deep voice interrupted the sudden silence that had transcended upon the house and the fear that had settled in Eric’s mind disappeared as he watched his true father tend to his mother’s wounded heart.
“Are you ready to talk, Doc?” She nodded as he wiped a tear from her cheek. His mere touch sent sizzling ripples of pleasure flooding though her exhausted body. As usual, she attempted to hide her response, but the look in his eyes told her that her reaction had not gone unnoticed. “Okay, you wanna tell me what has you so upset?”
“Roman came home and he was so angry. He yelled at me and called me a slut,” John instantly tensed. He was glad he had not been here. He would never stand for Marlena being called such a derogatory name. Marlena ignored the tension coursing through his body and continued. “And Eric walked in as Roman called me that. He stood up for me and told Roman that he was wrong and had no right to say those things to me. Roman shouted at him and then Eric punched Roman. I thought Roman would just walk away, but he didn’t. He was like a man possessed. I’ve never seen him hit any of the children before, but I couldn’t pull him off of Eric. He was just so angry. I’ve never seen him like this before, John. I’m afraid that it is really over. I don’t think that he’ll ever be able to forgive me.” She choked.
“Don’t say that, Doc. You guys will work things out,” He promised, hiding his own feelings in order to spare hers.
“But that’s not what you want. Why are you saying that?” She called him on it, her eyes searching his for an open honest answer.
“Because it is what I want. I do want you to be my wife, but more than that, I want you to be happy. And if Roman makes you happy, then I pray that you two work things out,” He whispered, his raw emotions causing his steady voice to quiver nervously. Marlena peered up into his eyes. Instantly, she drew back, shocked by the intensity of the love shining in his blue eyes. Eric, too, sat aghast at the love brimming in John’s eyes.
“Thank you,” Marlena whispered, still in awe of the depth of his love for her. She wondered if the situation had been reversed if she could do the same for him. She wanted to believe that she could let John be with the one who made him happy, but she didn’t think she could. IF I WERE FREE, I WOULD WANT TO BE WITH HIM AND NOTHING WOULD KEEP ME FROM HIM. BUT I’M NOT FREE. AND I CAN”T BE WITH HIM. I HAVE A FAMILY TO PROTECT. The confusing thoughts swirling about her head caused her head to begin pounding again. She let it fall to John’s shoulder. Seeing her eyes widen with pain, he gently began massaging her shoulders, hoping to at least ease the pain. All logical thought abandoned her as she was once again caught up in the passionate web that only John could weave around her. Her whole being seemed to grow warmer as his fingers kneaded the knots from her aching neck. Each circle he made with his thumbs made her heart skip a beat. Marlena cast a pleading glance up at John, praying he caught her meaning. If he didn’t stop now, the situation would only get worse.
He smiled weakly, somewhat happy that his touch could still evoke such a strong response in her, and then stopped his massage. Her thoughts flashed quickly back to the hurt and pain she had seen in Eric’s eyes earlier. HOW CAN I HELP HIM DEAL WITH THIS? She could come up with no answers so she decided to pose the question to John.
“John, how do I help the children deal with this? Eric should have been angry with me, but instead he is furious with his father. He said that if I moved out he was coming too. That would kill Roman. How can I help him forgive Roman?” John shook his head. Here her entire world was crumbling at her feet and she was only interested in restoring Roman in Eric’s eyes. She never ceased to amaze him.
“There’s nothing you can do, Doc. Eric will have to come to grips with things for himself. All anybody can do for him is be there to listen when he’s ready to talk. I’ll try to talk to him if you want. Maybe it’ll help. I think that sometimes Eric relates better to me than he does to Roman. And I don’t think it would be a bad idea for him to come with you. You shouldn’t be alone in your condition,” Marlena pulled back aggravated at the insinuation that she could not care for herself properly.
“I am quite capable of taking care of myself. I don’t need anyone’s help.” She declared.
“I know you are capable of taking care of yourself. I just think it wouldn’t be a bad idea for Eric to stay with you. Then if you have any problems with the baby or anything, you are not alone. It’s not my decision, Doc. It’s completely up to you and Roman. I just don’t think it’s such a bad idea. And forcing Eric to stay here with Roman when he wants to be with you would only make things worse between them,”
Marlena reluctantly nodded her head. She hated it when he was right. Unwilling to dwell on the idea that maybe John was right, Marlena decided to change the subject.
“John, what are you doing here anyway?” Her brow furrowed at the thought of any more confrontations being played out before her. “If Roman had been here, he’d have killed you. You know that. I asked you to stay away for awhile.”
“I know all of that. But I just had this feeling that you needed me. I tried to stay away, but the feeling was just too strong and I had to come,” Marlena’s eyes grew wide as she realized that John had truly sensed her need for him. HOW CAN THE BOND BETWEEN US POSSIBLY BE SO STRONG? She wondered.
“Thank you. I did need you. I tried to call you, but you weren’t there. I guess you were on your way over here,” She whispered. Eric began to cry as he listened. They shared such a bond, an almost telepathic connection. How could such a bond be wrong? He decided that he could listen no longer and quietly slipped back upstairs to his bedroom, collapsing, exhausted, upon the bed. A myriad of unanswered questions assaulted his mind like a runaway carousel, spinning faster and faster in an ever-maddening fashion until he thought he would be sick. He let out a soft sob and thrust his radio on. The song cascading from the speakers stopped the madness as he focused in on the words.
I can’t hide the way I feel about you anymore
I can’t hold the hurt inside keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone
And I’m tired of pretending that I don’t love you anymore
Eric switched off the radio and shook his head sadly. HOW IS IT THAT COUNTRY SONGS ALWAYS HIT YOU WHERE YOU LIVE? He whispered. It was like that song had been written for his mother and John. He knew deep in his heart that what they had done was wrong, but somehow he found it very difficult to blame them. It was not their fault that Stefano had tricked them all into believing that John was really Roman Brady. And it was not their fault that they had fallen head over heels in love with one another. And he had to admit that now it was not their fault that they couldn’t suppress their feelings forever. Love was meant to be cultivated, shared, not hidden like a guilty secret. And yet their love was forced to be hidden. Was it really any surprise that they had an affair? He wondered. He flipped the radio off and forced the confusing thoughts from his mind. Then, he drifted off into a dreamland where all could be well in his topsy-turvy world.
Downstairs, Marlena shivered, not sure whether it was the cool temperature of the room or John’s presence that sent the chill racing down her spine. She reached for the blanket that lay discarded on the floor. In seconds, its familiar warmth surrounded her as once again John anticipated her needs. She snuggled deep inside, refusing to acknowledge the confusing sensations tickling her senses. She attempted to clear her mind and this time found it surprisingly easy. John had always had the ability to calm her. Minutes later, she had settled comfortably in his arms and slipped off into an exhausted sleep.
John waited until he was sure she wouldn’t wake and then rose to carry her up to her bed. He inwardly cringed at the remembrances haunting his mind, memories of many nights where he had carried her up to that same bed and made love to her. And now he would carry her to that room and deposit her on the bed and flee before the memories overtook him.
Before he did something that he would regret. As he entered the bedroom, he inhaled deeply, treasuring the scent of Marlena’s perfume that tinged the air mulling about in this room. He pulled the comforter back and laid Marlena upon the bed, carefully tucking the blanket around her sleeping form. He bent down and placed a gentle kiss upon her forehead.
“I love you, Doc, forever,” He whispered as he brushed a stray hair from her brow. He glanced around the room. Not much had changed since he had occupied this room with Marlena. That armoire was the one he had bought for her after the explosion and that painting was one he had helped the children paint for her for Mother’s Day one year. She had promised the twins that she would never take it down. He chuckled quietly as he realized she had not broken her word. He glanced at the open closet door. Those were not his clothes inside, nor were those his shoes thrown haphazardly upon the floor. They were Roman’s. The thought shook him to the core as he realized that although this was the same room in which he and Marlena had built a life for themselves, nothing remained the same anymore. She was Roman’s wife and wished to remain that way and although John desperately wanted her all to himself, he had to honor her decision. Running furious fingers through his tangled hair, he hastily exited the room, pausing only to blow a kiss in Marlena’s direction.
John headed out to his car, ready to return to his own home, to Brady. The first rays of morning light began to appear in the sky as he sped away from his one true love. He hated leaving her, but knew that in time she would be his again. Her reaction to him tonight more than proved that to him. SHE STILL LOVES ME, he whispered to his empty car. SHE STILL LOVES ME. His heart swelled with pride and excitement at the thought that they might finally have a chance for happiness together. So caught up was he in the excitement that he nearly passed his loft. He slammed on the brakes and eased the car into the parking lot. In seconds, he was out of the car and racing up the stairs. He entered the loft and found Brady’s nanny fixing a morning bottle for him. He dismissed her and took the bottle up to his son’s bedroom.
“Good morning, slugger. You’re up awful early. Are you hungry?” He gently picked Brady from his crib and cradled him to his chest. Brady beamed at the sight of his father’s face. John settled into the rocking chair and began feeding Brady his bottle. Brady gurgled happily and began sucking fervently on the bottle. John rocked back and forth gently, ecstatic to be spending this time with his son.
“You know what, slugger? You’re going to get a baby brother or sister. Isn’t that cool?” He made a silly face at Brady that caused another spectacular smile to creep across Brady’s round face. “And you’re going to be the best big brother ever, aren’t you? Well, next to Eric of course.” John continued explaining things to Brady as Brady finished his bottle. Then John carried his little buddy to his room and lay down upon the bed, laying Brady upon his chest. Within minutes, Brady was asleep. Anyone peeking in on the scene would have smiled at the tremendous love John had for his son. When Marlena had said she could not have found a better father for her child, she had been very right.
As he lay on the bed cradling his infant son in his arms, John thought back to all he had lost in his life. His identity, his freedom, his wife, his children. He solemnly refused to miss one more minute with his children. I’M GOING TO BE THERE FOR THEM ALWAYS, he pronounced. I’VE LOST CARRIE, SAMI AND ERIC TO ROMAN AND I WILL NEVER LOSE BRADY TO ANYONE. He remembered the promise that he had first made to himself on the night of Brady’s birth and now this renewed promise was passed on to the baby in Marlena’s womb. He would be the best father on Earth to his little angels, no matter what. He let his head fall to the pillow, cradling Brady’s tiny form a little closer. The faint scent of baby lotion tickled his nose causing an unbidden smile to creep over his face. Each precious little detail of this infant was imbedded deep into his memory. He may not be able to remember his past, but he was going to do everything in his power to remember every detail of every second spent with Brady and the new baby.
“My life begins today,” He whispered to a sleeping Brady. “I’m going to be a daddy again and I have another chance at happiness with Marlena. This time I am not going to make the same mistakes,” His eyes clouded with more memories of both good and bad times. “Today, slugger, we start living in the present. No more regrets. You and I are going to be happy, slugger. And you’re going to get a new mommy. One who’ll love you just as much as you’re real mommy did. Maybe we won’t get her today or tomorrow, but someday, we’ll be together and we’ll be the family we were meant to be. Someday Doc you’ll be mine” John’s promises rang out across the room, echoing in the silence of the loft.
Across town, Marlena stirred in her sleep. She sat up, unable to shake the feeling that someone had been talking to her. She could still feel John’s presence there with her. It surrounded her and seemed to offer a bit of solace in the early morning light. Silently, she hugged her arms to her chest, praying for guidance to deal with the situation around her. Suddenly, she could feel a sense of peace wash over her and she settled back into the covers, confident that the situation would work itself out for the best in time. John uttered the last sentence of his prayer, knowing that Marlena would indeed be all right, and slipped into the peaceful dreamland that his son was already visiting.
Marlena tossed restlessly in her sleep. Images of John gently caressing and comforting her melded maliciously with Roman’s mask of hatred causing even her escape into sleep to become futile. No one was speaking. The only sounds she could hear were Roman’s angry words echoing endlessly throughout the dream landscape. Suddenly, she awoke to the sound of her own tortured sobs. Trembling with fear and regret, Marlena began to cry as she tried to convince herself that the past few hours had only been a dream. She rolled over to talk to Roman, but found his side of the bed empty and cold.
“It wasn’t a dream,” She whispered as she cuddled into the blanket, desperately trying to find a way to calm her troubled mind. A knock at her door startled her, but provided a welcome distraction from the stark reality surrounding her. “Come in.” She hoarsely whispered, finding that the harsh sobs had stolen her voice. She sat up in the bed, surprised to find that she still wore the clothes that she’d had been wearing the night before. Eric entered the room, wearing a bright smile and carrying a tray full of breakfast goodies. Marlena offered him her best smile, pleased at his thoughtfulness.
“Here, Mom. I made you some breakfast. I hope you like it,” He prayed that she had gotten some sleep. Judging by the dark circles ringing her eyes, though, he knew she had probably not slept at all. He crossed the room and placed the tray on her bed. “Just a minute, I have one more thing.” He disappeared into the hallway and reappeared with a bouquet of lilacs in his arms. Marlena began to tear again. He was beginning to act more like John everyday. She pondered the blend of characteristics that displayed themselves in Eric. He had Roman’s humor and her sensitivity and John’s tender and fierce protectiveness. HE’LL CERTAINLY BE A CATCH TO A SOME WOMAN ONE DAY. HE SEEMS TO HAVE INHERITED THE BEST TRAITS FROM US ALL.
“Where did you find those?” She breathed.
“Well, I looked all over town before I found them. I was hoping that maybe they would help. Come on. Please eat something. The baby needs nourishment,” Marlena laughed quietly at his intensely protective nature.
“So, who’s the mother here?” She laughed as she surveyed the delicacies before her. Eric smiled and sat down beside her on the bed. “Have some, please, I will never be able to eat all of this myself.” Eric reached for a bagel and began enjoying the fact that his thoughtfulness had cheered her some.
“So, did you get any sleep last night?” She smiled and quickly tried to mask her fatigue with a fake bravado. She nodded blankly and quickly dropped her gaze to the plate before her. “Mom, don’t lie. You have circles under your eyes and your still in the clothes you had on yesterday.” Marlena lifted her gaze to glance in the mirror. She ran exhausted fingers along the outline of fatigue lining her eyes and glanced down at the crumpled clothes hanging on her. Disgusted, she let her hand fall limply back to the bedcovers.
“I guess I do look pretty bad, huh?” Eric nodded silently as he squeezed her hand.
“Thanks, Eric, for breakfast, for the flowers, just for being here. You’ll never know how much it all means to me.” She squeezed his hand back, fighting back the tears threatening to spill down her pale cheeks.
“No problem. I am glad I can help. Oh, I found this note in the kitchen while I was making breakfast. It’s from Sami,” he pulled a crumpled note out of his pocket. Marlena quickly grabbed it from his hand.
Hey, Mom and Dad,
I am spending the night at Jamie’s. I tried to catch both of you at
work, but they said you weren’t there. I will be home tomorrow
morning. I love you.
Sami
Marlena sighed, surprised by the fact that she hadn’t even noticed Sami’s absence.
“Thanks, Eric. I’m just glad she wasn’t here last night.”
“Yeah, me too. How are you going to tell her?” Eric could just imagine his twin’s reaction to their mother’s betrayal of their father.
“I hadn’t really thought about it. I don’t really want to think about it right now. Have you heard from your dad this morning?” She prayed that Roman had called while she was sleeping.
“No, but when I drove by the pub on my way to the flower shop I saw his car. I didn’t go in to see him.” Eric paused for a moment, pondering the question that had been pounding in his head since he saw John and Marlena together the previous night. “Mom, can I ask you something?”
“Of course, honey. What is it?” She questioned curiously in between bites.
“Do you still love John?” Marlena let her head fall back against the headboard. Her own mind was still reeling at this possibility. How could she possibly explain it to Eric? She combed her mind, trying to find the appropriate answer, but came up empty. She knew she couldn’t lie to Eric. He could read her as well as John could. He had learned well from John’s influence.
Eric watched his mother’s reaction with a studied coolness. He knew she was trying to come up with the least painful answer for them both, the answer that would expose the least. She hated being vulnerable and, although Eric hated putting her in this position, he had to know where his family’s fate lay. He put a soothing hand on her shoulder and cleared his throat calmly. Slowly, her eyes opened. She seemed prepared to offer some sort of answer. He knew that he would also have to hear what she didn’t say. Her frank answer surprised him.
“Yes, I guess I do. But I love your father too and I want to be with him. I want to keep our family together.” She stated after much contemplation.
“Mom, how is that possible when you still love John? And how will the baby fit into all of this if you and Roman do get back together?” Eric’s questions caused the painful futility of fighting for things to return to their former place to slam into Marlena’s mind.
“I don’t know, Eric. But it just has to be. It just has to be . . .” Her whisper faded into oblivion as she pushed the tray slowly away from herself. Eric knew she needed time alone. Silently he lifted the empty tray from the bed and exited the room.
“Thank you, Eric,” She spoke to his retreating form.
“No problem, Mom. Why don’t you take a shower? I’m sure it will help you feel somewhat better.” Marlena nodded silently as Eric closed the door behind him. She let her mask of composure fall and sunk to the bed in despair.
John awoke to Brady’s cries. He gently lifted his son from his chest and smiled warmly at him. “Hey, slugger, there’s no need for tears. Daddy’s here. I am going to go get you a bottle, Kay?” He promised as he placed Brady in the bassinet beside his bed. John rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he descended the staircase. He could not believe how tired he felt. He wondered how Marlena was doing. He checked his watch and decided to give her a call. He dialed the number and waited for her to answer.
“Hey, Brady residence,” Eric answered, juggling the tray with one hand. He scooted over to the table and deposited the empty tray upon it.
“Hey, Eric, it’s John. How are you doing this morning?” John had hoped that Marlena would answer. He hoped that his former son was dealing with the situation well.
“Hi, John. I’m okay. If you wanted to talk to Mom, I don’t think it’s such a good idea. She’s not doing so hot this morning.” Eric sank onto the couch, cradling the phone in his hand as if it were his only connection to the man on the other end.
“If it helps any, I’m really sorry for what you are all going through. Is she feeling okay, physically I mean?” John questioned, worried about both her and the baby.
“Yeah, I guess. I made her breakfast and she ate it all. But she doesn’t look like she slept much last night.”
“No, I’m sure she didn’t. Take care of her for me, okay Eric?” John knew he could not be there for her, but prayed that Eric would take his place.
“You bet. John, can I ask you something?” He needed to hear John’s response to the question he had posed to Marlena as well.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Do you still love her?” John considered lying for a moment and then realized that enough lies had been told. Eric deserved the truth.
“Honestly, Eric. Yes. I will always love her. But I respect whatever decision she makes. If she and your dad work things out, I will be happy for them. I know that is what she wants. She doesn’t love me anymore.” John tried to throw in the last part for emphasis, all the while doubting its validity.
“But she does!” Eric spoke all too quickly, not even thinking about how his mother would feel about exposing her feelings for John.
“How do you know that, Eric?” Eric fumbled nervously.
“I can just see that’s all,” He lied. John caught it.
“That’s all?” John’s eyebrow raised in question.
“Well, no. But what she told me was private and she would be angry if I told you,” Eric shook his head, realizing that he had just told John everything.
“She told you she still loves me?” John read through what Eric didn’t say.
“Look, John. I’ve already told you too much. I really need to go. I will take care of Mom. I’m all she has.”
“She has me and she has Sami too.”
“She can’t have you. You’re part of the problem. And Sami doesn’t know yet but when she finds out she will hate Mom. So we’re back to me. I’m all she has. Don’t worry about her. And maybe it’d be best if you left her alone for awhile. She needs time to think things through.” Eric was beginning to get frustrated at John’s persistence. Eric’s entire family had just disintegrated before his eyes and John was already trying to win Marlena’s heart. It was just too soon. No matter how much Eric loved John. It was just too soon. John heard the frustration in Eric’s voice and felt immediately guilty.
“I’m sorry, Eric. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I promise I’ll stay away as much as I can. Tall her I called, okay?”
“I’ll tell her. Goodbye, John.” Marlena appeared on the stairs, garbed in a spotless white terrycloth robe her hair pinned up in a fluffy white bath towel. Quickly, Eric hung up the phone before John could say another word. “Hi, Mom. You look a lot better.” He tried to stuff the phone into the couch cushions.
“That was John?” she whispered. Eric nodded.
“He was worried about you. I told him I’d take care of you.”
“I can take care of myself, sweetheart, but thank you. And you don’t need to run interference between the world and me. I am strong enough to handle things.” She patted his hand as she sat down upon the couch beside him.
“So, what are you going to do today?” Eric questioned, hoping that she just planned to spend the day at home recuperating.
“I’m going to go talk to your dad in a little while. But I was going to wait for Sami. I want to explain everything to her before she hears it somewhere else.”
“Mom, I think you should just give Roman a little time to cool down. I’m sure he’s still pretty angry.” Eric tried to offer his sensible solution.
“And I think I should go talk to him before he lets the bitterness set in. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, Eric, but I am going to see him. I’m not so fragile that I’ll break and I don’t need you and John constantly protecting me. I’m a big girl and I made a rather large mistake and now I must deal with its consequences. I can handle whatever your father dishes out.” Both were so engrossed in conversation that they did not hear Sami enter the house. She paused, digesting the words she’d just heard, her blue eyes growing larger with each passing second.
“Mom, what are you talking about?” Marlena’s eyes rolled back in her head. I’M SO SICK OF PEOPLE WALKING IN ON CONVERSATIONS. Marlena thought. I WOULD SIMPLY LOVE TO ACTUALLY GET TO PLAN MY EXPLANATIONS INSTEAD OF BEING THRUST INTO THEM. She sighed sadly, knowing her words were going to destroy her daughter’s world. She gently asked Sami to sit down and began to explain the situation. Sami’s face quickly drained of all color, her blue eyes swelling with tears. Eric wrapped his arm around her, whispering words of comfort in her ears. Marlena felt as if her entire soul were being torn in two. She moved to hug Sami, who drew back as if she’d been bitten.
As the reality of the situation began to sink in, Sami began to cry. At first, her tears were silent, but quickly became accompanied by a mournful wail. Marlena thought it sounded like a dirge of mourning, a dirge sung for her lost family. Marlena placed her hands over her ears, but still the sound pervaded, like the sickening sound of a siren that remains in the air even after the ambulance has passed. Sami’s screams grew ever louder, piercing through Marlena’s soul until she could stand no more.
“Oh, dear God, how could I have done this to my children?” She whispered to the ceiling. Then sadly, she let her head fall back into her hands as her own sobs came once again, the only familiar feel of the past day. “What are we going to do?” She muttered, letting the words trickle off her lips, tingeing the tense air with an unfamiliar uncertainty. “What are we going to do?”
Roman sat silently in the pub, staring blankly at the plateful of food that his mother had placed in front of him. He had no desire to eat. He had no desire to even breathe. His raging anger had been replaced by an incredible sense of loss and he felt himself careening ever closer to an abyss of darkness each minute. He didn’t know how to go on without her, but he didn’t know how to ever forgive her for this soul-deep betrayal. He began to feel incredibly sorry for himself, imagining himself living a solitary life for the remainder of his years while John married Marlena. John then would become a father to Roman’s children again and Roman would be all alone, forever. Forever . . . So lost was Roman in self-pity that he didn’t hear his father approaching. Shawn silently sat down beside his son, wrapping an arm of comfort around Roman’s strong shoulder. Roman started at his father’s touch, but instantly calmed when he realized to whom the hand belonged
“Eh, son, how are ya doing?” Roman wanted so desperately to put on a brave face but just couldn’t muster the energy. He looked into his father’s compassionate eyes and crumbled.
“Not so good, Pop. How could she do this to me? She was my world, Pop. I have nothing without her,” Roman felt a tear trickle down his cheek.
“Don’t let me hear you talking like that. You’ve got three beautiful children who all think the world of ya,” Shawn patted Roman upon the back.
“Without her, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters without Doc,” Roman replied sadly.
“Well, then, son, you know what ya need to do? Ya need to head on over to that wife of yours and forgive her and ask her to forgive you for everything you’ve said. Then you can begin rebuilding your life.” Roman’s eyes grew wide with fury as the anger began to fire up once again. FORGIVE HER? NEVER! He thought, fighting back the waves of nausea that accompanied his unrestrained anger.
“I can’t do that, Pop. I can’t forgive her.”
“Sure you can. You just need some time. If I could forgive your mother, you can forgive Marlena,” Roman didn’t need to be reminded of his mother’s betrayal right now.
“I’m not you, Pop. And I don’t need time. I can’t forgive her, not now, not ever.” Roman stood and rushed out the door, slamming it angrily behind him. Shawn decided to let him go. Roman’s pain was too fresh now. He needed time to deal with things and then he would see that the best thing for everyone would be to forgive Marlena and begin again. Caroline walked slowly to Shawn and wrapped an arm around him.
“Poor Roman,” She whispered as she watched him head down to his and Marlena’s pier.
***
Sami suddenly stopped crying and turned angrily to her mother, her eyes shooting daggers of hatred. Marlena’s soul trembled at the depth of emotion sailing in the oceans of Sami’s eyes. She had expected Sami’s anger, but was frankly surprised by the hatred Sami was displaying.
“How could you, Mom? How could you hurt Daddy like this? And with John? Daddy trusted you two. And all the time you were sneaking around and sleeping with one another. You always taught me to be honest and true. So where did you lose your honesty?” Sami spat disgustedly as she fled the room. She took the stairs two at a time, leaving a distraught Marlena and distressed Eric in her wake. Eric looked sympathetically at his mother and patted her shoulder.
“Don’t listen to her, Mom. She’s just hurt.” He tried to console her.
“No, Eric, I need to listen to her. She’s right. She’s absolutely right. How could I do that to your father?” Eric’s mind flashed black to the previous evening when he’d seen his mother cradled in John’s arms of comfort. No words of love had been spoken, but it was woven into each sentence that they had spoken, each look that had passed between them.
“Mom, you did it for love.” He whispered. Marlena nodded, but found no consolation in the truth of his statement. It didn’t matter how much she had loved John, she had no right to hurt Roman this way. Eric squeezed her shoulder and then rose. He had to go to Sami. She would need him now. “I’m going to go to her. Please just spend the day at home today.” He pleaded.
“I can’t. You know that. Go to Sami. Tell her how much I love her. I never meant to hurt any of you,” She cried.
“I know, Mom. I know.” He disappeared up the stairs. Marlena felt his absence immediately. He was so comforting, so loving. Without him, the house seemed so cool, so distant, so far from the happy home where she and Roman had built their family. She needed desperately to return to those days, but knew she would never see them again. She may not ever be that happy again. She surveyed the room. Roman’s winter coat hung upon the back of a kitchen chair. A bouquet of roses that he had bought for her in celebration of her pregnancy decorated the table. Every inch of the room reminded her of him. She stood suddenly, making a decision to talk to him right then. Quietly, she ascended the stairs and entered her bedroom, just missing Eric’s entrance into Sami’s room. She threw on an old pair of jeans and a tattered sweatshirt and quickly ran a brush through her hair. She pulled her hair up into a haphazard ponytail and rushed back downstairs.
When she opened the garage door, she remembered that she did not have her car. Her car was probably in some garage right now being repaired. She ran back inside and called for a taxi and waited somewhat impatiently for it to arrive. When she heard its horn honking, she ran out and climbed inside, anxiously planning what she could say to soothe Roman’s pain.
***
Eric knocked gently on Sami’s door and entered without waiting for her invitation. She was curled up in a ball on her bed sobbing, her favorite doll clutched savagely to her chest. Eric crossed the room and sat down beside her, placing a reassuring hand on her back. She didn’t seem to even notice his presence. He quietly began to hum the lullaby that their mother had always sung to them as children. As it always had, the sweet notes calmed the seas of Sami’s hurt and anger. The tears slowed and she sat up, still holding tightly to the doll. She brushed at the falling tears with the back of her hand, an act that reminded Eric of their mother. Sami cast a doleful glance up at him.
“Why? Why, Eric?” She whispered, her heart still breaking at the mere thought of their mother’s betrayal. Eric didn’t pause for a minute before he offered his explanation.
“Sami, do you remember when we were little?” She nodded blankly. “Do you remember how much Mom and John loved each other?” She dropped her head, refusing to acknowledge the truth ringing in her soul. “Samantha Gene, do you remember how much they loved each other?”
“Yes, I remember,” She spat, still grudgingly refusing to see his point.
“Do you remember how much we loved John?” She nodded her head again. She had always felt guilty for loving John after their father had returned, but suddenly she felt free to release the truth. “Did you stop loving him even after Roman returned?”
“No . . . never,” She whispered, reluctant to admit the truth even to herself.
“Neither did Mom. And John never stopped loving her either.”
“But he married Isabella.” She interrupted.
“Because Mom chose to go back to Roman, not because he stopped loving her. Mom was trying to save our family for us.” Eric explained. “And Isabella was pregnant. He had to do the noble thing and Mom would never have kept John from his child. Family is too important to Mom for her to have prevented John and Isabella and Brady from having a family.”
“But now she has destroyed our family!” Sami exclaimed.
“Our family disappeared the moment Stefano took Roman captive, Sami. After Mom and John met, our family was doomed to disaster. They pretended to have moved on with their lives, but they never did. Their love was too strong. Don’t you see, Sami? It’s not their fault. I know they shouldn’t have had an affair, but was there really another choice? They couldn’t continue to hide their feelings forever. I know you’re hurt, Sami, I am too, but we have to be strong for Mom and Roman.” Sami nodded, trying to understand their mother’s betrayal. She dropped her head, intensely studying the flowers decorating her fluffy comforter.
“I don’t think I can support Mom, Eric,” She whispered. Eric wrapped an arm around her and squeezed her shoulder gently.
“That’s okay. She still loves you. She always will and when you’re ready you can love her again. I’ll take care of her and the baby. You help Roman,” Sami nodded again.
“How’s Daddy, Eric? Have you seen him?” Eric glanced down at his still swollen nose and nodded, remembering the fight that they had had last night.
“You could say that,” Sami’s head shot up.
“What do you mean? What happened, Eric? Is Daddy okay?”
“I walked in on him and Mom fighting last night. He called Mom a slut and I railed on him. He got mad at me and we fought. He gave me a bloody nose and then he left. No apologies, nothing. I know he was upset but there was no call for him to talk to her that way.” Sami looked at her brother with anger riding in her eyes.
“He had every right, Eric. How can you take her side?” She accused.
“Because no one else ever does,” Eric whispered. “I don’t really expect you to understand, Sami, but I need to be there for Mom and the baby. And I’ll be honest I want her to get together with John. He’s the only dad I’ve ever really had and to me they are our family.” Sami nodded, trying to understand her brother’s point of view.
“So are they going to get a divorce?” Sami asked quietly, afraid of the answer.
“Mom is going to try to get him to forgive her, but you know Roman, Sami. He’s too stubborn.”
“So what happens to us when they get divorced?” Sami’s was so childlike that Eric nearly cried.
“I’m staying with Mom wherever she goes,” Sami began to cry weakly, knowing that she could never leave their father. Gently, Eric gathered her in his arms and crooned the lullaby to her, praying that it would soothe both of their fears.
***
Roman plopped sadly onto a bench and studied the boats sailing around the pier. Each sailing off into a new adventure. He wished he could be on one of the boats, sailing far away from each of his problems. He let his head fall into his trembling hands, praying desperately for everything to return to normal. The mournful call of a foghorn in the early morning air seemed to be telling him that his prayer could never come true. A lone tear trickled down his cheek, reminding him that he too would remain forever alone.
“I can never give my love to another,” He whispered regretfully. “But can I ever give it back to her again?” That question plagued his mind. His father had forgiven his mother for her betrayal, but Roman knew deep inside that the image of Marlena and John making love would never disappear from his conscience. Roman shook his head and decided to head back to the pub. His stomach now seemed to be begging for the earlier rejected food. He decided to get a bite to eat and then head back to the house and check on Sami and Eric. “Oh, Eric,” He whispered. “You’ll never know how truly sorry I am for last night.”
As Roman headed back up the pier and to the pub, he could swear he smelled Marlena’s perfume hanging hauntingly in the air around him, taunting his fragile soul. “You’ve got to get over her, man!” He chastised himself as he slipped inside the pub. He ducked his head, not really wanting to talk to anyone. Her voice instantly caught his ear and he turned to bolt back out the door. Too late! She had seen him.
“Roman, can we talk?” She asked sweetly as she approached him. He shook his head angrily and brushed past her. “Please,” The pleading sound of her voice broke through the wall he had hastily built. He had always found it difficult to resist her.
“What do you want, Marlena?” His use of her name stung. He never called her Marlena, always Doc. I THOUGHT I’D ALWAYS BE HIS DOC. She thought sadly.
“We need to talk, Roman. We have a lot of things we need to resolve.”
“No, we don’t. You had an affair. Our marriage is over. There’s nothing to resolve. Now, please leave. You’re not welcome here anymore.” He spun on his heels, praying that she would leave. He was simply too exhausted to discuss things this morning. He was unprepared for the response Marlena offered.
“Roman, you can’t give up on us that quickly! I know I’ve hurt you. I regret that more than you’ll ever know, but we’ve made it through so many things we can make it through this too. Please just talk to me.” Her voice was a mixture between a cry and a scream. He turned back to face her.
“Okay, Marlena you wanna talk? Then I want some answers. How many times did it happen? When and where? I want to know every little detail. I think I deserve that much.” He demanded angrily.
“Roman, please you don’t want to hear this.” She begged.
“Let me be the judge of that.” Marlena dropped into a chair, knowing that hearing the details would kill him. How could she tell him that she made love with John on hers and Roman’s anniversary and on a table in a conference room in Titan? MAYBE I CAN AVOID ANSWERING THE WHOLE QUESTION IF I ANSWER PART OF IT, she thought.
“It only happened twice. We didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did.”
“Oh, that makes me feel much better. You didn’t mean to betray your marriage vows the passion was just too much, huh Marlena?” He spat. “When and where, Marlena? You didn’t answer that.” The tears began rolling down her cheeks. She knew if she had to tell him everything that he would never forgive her.
“I can’t tell you, Roman.”
“Oh, but, Marlena, you wanted to talk, remember?”
“It was on a plane and in a conference room at Titan.” She whispered, knowing she had still not answered his entire question. Roman shook his head in disgust.
“Tasteful, Dr. Evans. I would have expected so much more from you.” His biting sarcasm nearly broke her heart. She dropped her head, catching a glimpse of his boots as they headed far far away from her..
“Roman, are you going to file for divorce?” she called after him. He turned back to yell at her, to make her understand the depth of his pain, but the misery in her eyes stopped him. His vehement yes turned into a whispered response.
“I don’t know, Marlena. I don’t know where we could go from here. I can’t forgive you and I don’t think I ever will be able to,” He shook his head and sadly walked away.
Marlena silently watched as he threw away their every chance. Her mind began to reel at the thought of life without him. Her head ached with the mere possibility. As she stood there contemplating her next move, she began to feel faint. In moments, she was covered in a cold sweat. A dull ache spread throughout her body as the room began to spin uncontrollably. Frightened, she cried out for someone to help her as she felt herself drawing further and further from consciousness. Roman heard her cry, at first dismissing it, but as the sound of her gasps assaulted his ears, he couldn’t get to her fast enough, catching her just as she slipped to the floor. He cradled her in his arms, his anger quickly abated by the love residing deep within his heart. He screamed for someone to call for a doctor.
“Hang on, Doc. Help is coming. Don’t leave me now.” He pleaded to her unconscious form, praying with his entire might that she would open those eyes and flash him one of her dazzling smiles. With each passing moment, he began to fear that he would never see that smile again. “Please, Doc. Wake up. I can’t imagine my life without you.” He cast a desperate glance up at the ceiling. “Oh, God, please don’t take her!” He cried quietly as people began rushing to help him. “Please!”
Marlena blinked her eyes, rapidly trying to adjust to the bright sunlight assaulting her vision. She glanced around. Her surroundings were unfamiliar, yet strangely soothing. A babbling brook ran across the meadow she stood in, its trickling sounding like laughter echoing merrily across the hills. She closed her eyes again, hoping that she would remember where she was and what she was doing there or maybe she would wake up back in the pub. But when she opened her eyes, all she could see was the blinding light dancing over the rolling green hills in the distance. A child’s voice drifted over the hills. It sounded like a little boy. He was laughing and playing. Every second he seemed to come closer. Something about the voice drew her in, making her want to find its owner. She began to run down the hills, laughing herself at the exhilaration she felt racing over the lush hills of green. Finally, she could see him. It was a little boy. He had dark brown hair and dancing eyes and a smile that seemed to contain all of the surrounding sunlight at once. His smile struck a chord in Marlena’s soul, endearing this precious child to her heart. Upon seeing her, his smile grew even larger. He raced to her, calling out to her as he ran.
“Momma, Momma, Oh, Momma,” he squealed as he came ever closer. Marlena eyed him nervously. Why was this child calling her Momma? For some unknown reason, she opened her arms wide to him and he ran into the warm comfort contained there. Marlena pressed him tightly to her chest, sensing an urgency to show this child all the love that she possibly could. He seemed to squeeze her ever tighter, as if he were memorizing her every feature. Finally, he drew back looking deep into her hazel eyes. As Marlena’s eyes met his, she gasped. THOSE ARE MY EYES! She thought.
“DJ” She whispered. He nodded contentedly and hugged her again. “Oh, my precious, DJ, how I’ve missed you!” She whispered. This time it was Marlena who was memorizing every tiny line on his face, the slight dusting of freckles that painted his cheeks and that smile. It was just like Don’s. She dropped to the lush ground beneath her, still cradling the child to her body. DJ settled comfortably in her lap and looked up at her, beaming.
“I’ve missed you too, Momma. Are you going to stay?” His eyes danced in delight at his mother’s presence.
“I don’t know, DJ. Where are we? Where am I?” She surveyed the surroundings again.
“In Heaven of course!” He answered, pleased with his answer. Marlena gasped, horrified at the thought. AM I DEAD?
***
Caroline dialed the number, dreading the news she was going to have to share with her grandchildren. It just didn’t seem real. One minute, Marlena had been full of fire and fighting for her marriage and the next she was unconscious upon the floor. How could this have happened? Eric’s curt answer startled Caroline back into the present.
“Eric, it’s your grandma. I have some bad news,” Eric gasped, a knot in the pit of his stomach telling him that something was drastically wrong with his mother.
“What is it, Grandma?” He prodded, not sure he was prepared for her answer.
“Something’s wrong with your mother. They’ve taken her to the hospital.”
“What’s wrong with her? She was fine this morning.”
“She and your dad were having a discussion and next thing I know she was unconscious on the floor. The paramedics weren’t sure what was wrong, but they looked pretty worried. In the condition that she’s in, this is a very dangerous situation.” Eric brushed at the tears streaming down his cheeks. MOM’S GOTTA BE ALL RIGHT. SHE JUST HAS TO. SHE’S ALL I HAVE. He thought.
“Does John know?” He questioned, his heart going out to the already broken man.
“No, but, Eric, I am not sure it would be best to tell him. You know he would have to be there and, well, I don’t think your dad is quite ready to see him yet,” Caroline stated, somewhat worriedly. The last thing anyone needed was to witness a confrontation between John and Roman in the hospital.
“I don’t care what Roman wants. My mother is carrying John’s baby and I am going to tell him. He deserves to be there with her. Besides, I need my real father right now.” Eric hung up the phone, feeling slightly guilty for displacing his anger at the entire situation upon his grandmother. None of this was her fault. But he still wasn’t quiet sure whose fault it was. Not even thinking, Eric dialed John’s number, praying that John was home.
“Hello, Black here,” John answered.
“John, it’s Eric,” John could sense the fear in Eric’s’ voice.
“Eric, what’s wrong? Is your mom okay?” The tears began afresh as Eric prepared to tell John the truth.
“No, something’s wrong. She was at the pub and she just collapsed. Grandma said they took her to the hospital, but they don’t know much yet.”
“Eric, do you have a ride to the hospital?” John asked, already throwing on his black leather jacket.
“No.”
“I’ll be there to pick you up in ten minutes. Be ready,” John instructed as he hung up. He climbed the stairs two at a time and knocked on the nanny’s door, praying that she hadn’t left even though he given her the day off. “Ivy, are you in there?” The older woman opened the door and smiled.
“Yes, Mr. Black, is something the matter?” She inquired sweetly.
“Yes as a matter of fact. I have to go the hospital. My … uh, friend is in there and I have to go. I know that I told you that you could go, but could you please stay with Brady. I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t an emergency.”
“Of course, I’ll stay. I hope your friend is all right.”
“So do I,” John shouted, already down the stairs. “So do I. Thanks a million, Ivy. I will call later.” And he was out the door, racing to pick up Eric. OH GOD PLEASE JUST LET HER BE ALL RIGHT, he prayed. PLEASE.
***
Marlena hugged DJ more tightly, extremely frightened by the possibility of death. But if she was dead that meant all her problems were over. She didn’t have to face any more unanswerable questions or to break any more innocent people’s hearts. Maybe things were better this way. She looked down at DJ who was picking a flower at his feet. He held it to his nose, enjoying the sweet aroma with a childlike pleasure. Then, he held it up to her, quite pleased with his finding.
“For you, Momma. I hope you like it. Smell it. It smells pretty,” Marlena smiled, her entire being swelling with excitement at being able to spend this time with her precious boy. She inhaled the fragrance, surprised by how sweet such a tiny flower could smell. Suddenly, DJ took off running, laughing happily.
“Catch me, Momma.” He called back as he raced over the hills. Marlena was up and after him in seconds. The wind blew threw her tousled hair, creating a renewed vigor within her soul. She had never felt this happy or at peace before. She caught DJ and whirled him up into her arms, his childish giggles touching a place in her soul that she thought would never be touched again. She felt whole for the first time since his death.
“I love you so, little man,” She whispered as she held him tightly to her chest.
“I love you too, Momma,” He whispered.
“Marlena . . .Marlena . . .” A familiar voice rang out over the hills. She couldn’t quite place it. Tentatively, she scanned the hills to see who was calling her, but saw no one. She glanced down at DJ who was smiling even bigger than before.
“DJ, do you know who’s calling me?” She questioned. He ducked his head, grinning like the Cheshire cat.
“It’s a surprise,” He whispered.
“Marnie . . . Marnie . . . Marnie” There it was again, that hauntingly familiar voice. . It sounded like, no it couldn’t be. BUT NONE ELSE CALLS ME THAT, Marlena thought. She placed DJ down and began to run over the hills, desperate to find the person who was calling her. IT HAS TO BE HER!! As she ran over one last giant hill, she spotted someone standing there in the meadow below. The woman’s blonde hair glistened in the bright sun. Marlena picked up a new speed, her heart nearly bursting with excitement. She stopped only inches before the woman.
“Sam, is that you?” She whispered incredulously.
***
John paced the hospital waiting room, his heart pounding savagely in his chest. He was desperate to hear news, any news. He felt a comforting hand on his shoulder and turned to see to whom it belonged. Eric stood beside him, tears glistening in his hazel eyes. John drew the young man into his arms, unspoken love coursing between them. Eric’s body shook with sobs as he finally released all his pent-up emotions. John gently stroked Eric’s hair, trying to contain his own tears.
“She’s going to be fine, Eric, I promise you.” John whispered. Eric’s sobs still continued. John just held him more tightly, feeling a connection to this young man that only fatherhood could explain. Yet, fatherhood was the one bond that could never really belong to John again.
Roman heard someone crying and turned to find Eric in John’s arms sobbing. Roman tried to calm the tempest of emotions raging through him, but found himself inconsolable. I HAVE LOST MY SON, FOREVER. He turned away, trying to submerge the anger and hurt he was feeling. He scanned the room around him. His mother sat on the couch with Sami on her arm and his father stood beside him offering him silent support. The waiting room was filled with people who loved Marlena. It hurt more than he could understand to think of losing her. He heard someone open the door and his eyes flashed up to see Dr. Morgan coming their way. Her face was lined with worry. Roman’s heart sank.
***
“Yes, Marlena, it’s me,” The woman whispered. Instantly, Marlena wrapped her sister in her arms. Tears streamed unbidden down her cheeks as she held her sister close. DJ came racing over the hill and attacked his mother’s and aunt’s legs, wrapping his arms around them sweetly. Marlena and Samantha laughed as they hoisted him into their arms. He smiled contentedly and lay his head on his mother’s shoulder.
“Do you like my surprise?” He beamed.
“I love your surprise, angel. Thank you.” She couldn’t believe this was all really happening. She placed DJ down again and sat down upon the grass beside him, patting the spot next to her as an invitation to her sister. Sam silently sat down, smiling all the while. “Sam, where are we?”
“Heaven, Marlena. Well, not quite heaven. DJ and I were sent to greet you.” Marlena shook her head, not quite understanding. Samantha leaned over and whispered something in DJ’s ear, who stood up and hugged his mother.
“I love you, Mom. I have to go.” Marlena shook her head, her eyes wide with fear.
“No, DJ, you can’t go. I just got you back,” She cried.
“Mom, it’s not your turn to go yet.” He replied as he ran away back over the hills. Marlena raced after him, hill after hill, only to find that he had simply disappeared.
“DJ, come back,” She screamed as she dropped her head into her hands. She turned around to find Samantha standing beside her. “Sam, tell him to come back. Please,” She begged, an unspoken desperation shredding her composure.
“I can’t, Marlena. I was sent here to help you get back home.” Marlena shook her head angrily, biting her lip to keep the tears from coming.
“Oh, no,” She rolled her eyes in an exaggerated expression of determination. “I’m not going back. Roman and Sami hate me. I have nothing there. I want to stay here with you and DJ.”
***
Before Roman could even move, John had ambushed the doctor and was firing off a dozen questions.
“Okay, please slow down. I will try to answer all of your questions one at a time.” He heard the doctor patiently reply as he approached her. He tried to ignore John’s presence, but felt the tension surrounding them all too well. Eric, Sami, Caroline and Shawn joined them. Sami nervously took her father’s hand. Roman smiled at her and tried to diffuse the anger coursing through his body.
“Dr. Morgan, is my wife all right?” Roman asked. John shot Roman a questioning glance. HIS WIFE? NOT TOO LONG AGO, ROMAN HAD BEEN DETERMINED TO DIVORCE HER. Roman shot him a hateful look in return and waited for the doctor’s response, silently edging John out of his position beside the doctor.
“At this moment, we are not sure.” She replied quietly.
“What’s wrong with her?” John pushed, needing to know everything.
“Well, our preliminary tests show that she has developed gestational diabetes. Because of all the stress she has been under and the lack of adequate rest and nourishment she has fallen into a hypoglycemic coma. We are not sure how long it will be before she wakes or even if she will wake. We are taking care of her to the best of our ability, but there’s really nothing we can do right now but wait.” John felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. SHE MIGHT NOT WAKE UP! OH, GOD PLEASE HELP MARLENA!
“Dr. Morgan, the baby . . . is the baby all right,” John questioned. Roman glared at him. MARLENA IS SUFFERING AND ALL JOHN CAN THINK ABOUT IS THAT BABY! HOW DARE HE?
“Well, right now, our tests have shown that the baby is fine. However, if Marlena does not wake soon, we will probably lose them both. I’m sorry gentleman but the situation is very serious. I suggest you start praying.” She turned to walk away. John stopped her with his hand.
“Can I, uh, we see her?” He asked, glancing nervously at Roman.
“Yes, but only you and Roman may go in.”
“But the children,” Roman and John responded simultaneously, looking at the other with apparent frustration.
“I’m sorry. But I think it would be best for just the two of you to see her,” Both men nodded. “If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you back.” Roman squeezed Sami’s hand.
“Just a minute,” Roman replied. “Mom and Pop, please stay here with these guys,” Shawn nodded as Caroline swept Sami into her arms. John gave Eric a quick hug and promised to return with news as soon as possible. Eric nodded weakly and sullenly collapsed upon the waiting room couch, his heart fearing the ultimate loss
***
“Marlena, you have to think about your baby. If you don’t go back, it’s going to die too.” Samantha warned.
“Well, then it can be happy here with us. I can’t go back, Sam, I can’t. I can’t raise this child on my own. I just don’t have the strength.”
“You won’t have to raise this child alone. John loves it more than words could ever say. He would never leave you alone.” Marlena shook her head.
“No, John can’t be involved or I’ll never get Roman back.” Samantha shook her head, ashamed at her sister’s logic.
“You would deprive your child of its father so that you could get back with Roman?” Marlena’s eyes grew wide as she realized what she had just said.
“No of course not. It’s just that, well, I am just so confused. John wants us to be a family. He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever. And Roman says he hates me and never wants to see me again. And, me, I don’t know what I want.”
” I think you do. You’re just afraid of it and that’s why you want to stay here. So you don’t have to face it.” Marlena began to cry again.
“I can’t go back, not ever.” Marlena whispered, closing her eyes on the beautiful world surrounding her. That when she heard it. It was his voice, calling to her.
“Marlena … Marlena . . . hey, Doc, come on back to me,” She shook her head, trying to force the voice from her ears. I WON’T GO BACK. I WON’T.
***
“Marlena,” John whispered in her ear, praying that she could hear him. “Doc, I need you and our baby. You can’t leave me. You just can’t.” He whispered firmly. As he stood there beside her, the steady beat of her heart monitor provided some sort of comfort and the monitor checking the baby’s vitals was beating stronger than ever. Suddenly, Marlena’s heart monitor flatlined. The single monotonic beeping tore through his soul. Roman was beside her instantly, screaming her name in terror. Each man held onto a hand as the nurses and doctors came flooding into the room. A nurse shoved them aside and asked them to leave the room, but both men stood resolutely in their places, refusing to leave the side of the woman they loved.
***
Marlena opened her eyes to find blackness surrounding her. Samantha was gone and so was the warm light that had guided her to this place. Suddenly she felt so alone and cold and frightened. Fear pierced her soul preventing her from moving an inch. John’s voice had stopped. He was no longer calling out to her. OH DEAR GOD, HELP ME, she screamed, her entire being trembling with fear.
“John, help me!!!!!!!!” She screamed and then there was only darkness accompanied by a haunting silence.
Dr. Morgan fought her way into Marlena’s room, praying that her worst fears had not come true. The wailing of the heart monitor quickly told her that this nightmare was only beginning. She paused momentarily and uttered a silent prayer for Marlena and the tiny baby resting in her womb. Quickly, she checked on Marlena’s blood pressure and blood sugar rate before taking a look at the heart monitor.
“Come on, Marlena. You’re not dying on my shift!” Dr. Morgan whispered. Hastily, she instructed the nurses to prepare the defibrillation machine and then walked over to the two distraught men standing in the corner. John’s eyes grew wide with fear and distress, while Roman looked beyond consolation. She dreaded placing such a difficult decision at their feet.
“Gentleman, it looks like she has gone into defib. If we are going to save her, we are going to have to shock her heart back into pumping again,” Both men looked at her, not quite understanding why she was consulting them rather than healing Marlena. She quietly began to explain the predicament. “If we shock her, she may lose the baby. If she does not lose it, there is a chance that it might suffer brain damage. If we don’t shock her, she and the baby will die. Gentleman, the choice is up to you. Please make it quick. We have to move if we are going to save her.” Roman looked at John, who appeared to be in utter torment. He desperately wanted to save his child. But without Marlena his life would be nothing. Silently, he nodded his approval and Roman voiced their consensus.
“Do what you have to do to save Doc,” Dr. Morgan nodded and quickly moved back to Marlena’s side. John turned away, unable to watch any longer. He only wished he could keep himself from hearing the haunting keen of the heart monitor. To him, it sounded suspiciously like a death knoll, but he refused to believe that he was truly losing her.
“Are the paddles ready, Nurse?” The nurse nodded silently. “Okay, here we go. Everyone stand clear.” Marlena’s body rose from the bed as the jolt raced through her body. Every eye in the room, even John who had sworn to himself not to watch her slip away, focused on the monitor, praying to see the line rise, to hear the steady rhythm return.
Nothing.
***
Marlena found herself whirling in a vortex of darkness, spinning ever faster until she thought she would burst. A loud mournful wail rode on the air around her, surrounding her until she felt near suffocation. She knew she recognized the sound. It was the sound of a child, her child, the unborn babe growing within her. As she finally came to a stop, she began to paw at the air surrounding her, trying to find the source of the cries. At her every turn, she found only more darkness. The wails began to grow ever louder until she felt as if her eardrums would burst. She collapsed upon what she assumed was ground and placed her hands over her ears. The noise permeated the sound barrier she had created and tore at a place deep within her soul. She could not help the child, could not make its mournful tears cease. She felt so helpless. Silently, she began rocking back and forth, trying as much to soothe herself as the child. But nothing seemed to work. Frustrated, she screamed at the sky.
“Please, just make it stop!” A few tears spilled down her cheeks as her tortured cries echoed through the stillness about her. “Please just make it end.” She cried, feeling utterly defeated.
***
Dr. Morgan shook her head, frustrated. “Let’s try it again. This time give it a little more juice.” The nurse obeyed and handed the paddles back to the doctor. “Clear!” Dr. Morgan ordered. Once again, Marlena’s body rose from the bed, but still nothing could be heard except that insistent monotonic wailing. John turned his back again, unable to watch the horror movie being created before his very eyes. Roman, on the other hand, could not pull his eyes from Marlena’s beautiful body. “One more time. We have to try one more time.” Dr. Morgan brushed at tear streaking down her cheek. PLEASE, GOD, HELP HER! The shock raced through Marlena’s body one last time. Every breath in the room stopped as they waited for the heartbeat to begin. Still, nothing.
***
Marlena felt her heart begin to lighten as the child’s cries suddenly ceased. She opened her eyes. Brightness began to surround her. Voices began to ride through the air, together yet separate rising heavenward in one mighty chorus of prayer. They wove precious strands of love through her heart as she began to intently listen to them. Roman’s voice could be distinguished first. His normally unshakable composure was faltering. Marlena’s heart began to quake.
“God, I know things aren’t exactly wonderful between me and Marlena right now, but I can’t imagine my life without her. I love her so much. No matter what has happened my love for her will never change. Please save her, Lord. You’re her only hope.” ROMAN LOVES ME. HE STILL LOVES ME! His voice broke as John’s voice began to sail through the air. John’s plea was much more passionate, almost desperate.
“God, please, save my Doc. I need her in my life. Even if I can’t have her as my own, Lord. I need my best friend. Please, God, you have to save her. She’s my rock. Without her, I am nothing. Please bring her back to me. Please,” Marlena felt her heart flutter in her chest at just the sound of his voice. Frustrated, she tried to ignore her body’s involuntary response to his voice, but could not deny the sense of peace that coursed through her veins as his voice tickled her ears. As John’s voice disappeared, Marlena could hear another voice. It was trembling with fear. Marlena’s composure slipped as she listened to the heartbroken sobs of Eric.
“I need my mom, God. I need her. Please don’t take her away from us. She’s all the family I have,” He sobbed. Marlena had to force herself to not surrender to the sobs residing deep within her soul. Eric needed her. OH, GOD, HOW COULD I HAVE EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT LEAVING HIM BEHIND? She wondered as she again began listening to the fiercely whispered words of his prayer. “I won’t lose her, God. Not this time. I need a family and she’s all I have. Please bring her back to us. Please, Lord, it’s all I ask,” His voice was completely hidden by the sobs slipping from his desperate soul. OH, ERIC, I AM SO SORRY! As Marlena brushed at a tear slipping from her closed eyelids, she heard one last voice. Soft and shaky, Marlena could barely believe her ears. Could it be?
“I said such mean things to my mom and now I may never see her again. Oh, God, please let her come back to us,” Sami sounded like she was in utter torment. The tears that had been slipping unnoticed down Marlena’s cheeks began to cascade in waterfalls accompanied by mournful sobs. OH, SAMI! “And, God, if you can’t bring her back to us, please let her know how much I love her and how very sorry I am.” OH, SAMI GIRL, I KNOW. I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN. Suddenly, Sami’s voice was gone, but the brightness that had been steadily surrounding Marlena now completely engulfed her. She felt a soft tapping on her shoulder. She turned to find DJ and Sam standing behind her. Quickly, she wrapped DJ in arms of love.
“I love you so much, little man.” DJ beamed and placed a tender kiss on her cheek.
“I know, Mom. I have always known. And I love you. I came to say goodbye,” Marlena shook her head sadly, not wanting to say goodbye to him, but knowing deep in her heart what she must do. She slowly rose and took his tiny hand in her own. A tiny tear landed on her hand as he dropped his gaze, trying to hide his pain from her. Gently, she squeezed his hand a little more tightly, showing his that she still felt his pain and loved him eternally. She looked up at Sam and smiled warmly.
“Take care of him, Sam,” Samantha nodded as she pulled her sister into her arms.
“I promise I will. You take care of yourself and follow your heart, okay?” Marlena choked out an agonized yes and held more tightly to her sister. “It’s time to go, Marnie.” Marlena nodded, knowing now what she must do. Sam lifted DJ in her arms. They both waved warmly at Marlena. And then they were gone.
***
John and Roman began to prepare themselves for the inevitable good-byes that they must say to their one true love. Then from the monitor, a heartbeat could be heard, faint but definitely there. With each passing second, it grew a little stronger, a little louder until all could hear. “She’s ALIVE!!!! She pulled through. Good girl, Marlena, good girl,” Dr. Morgan whispered as she wiped her tears with the back of her hand.
John’s shoulders sagged with relief as he collapsed onto a chair across the room. Tears flooded his cheeks. THANK YOU, GOD! THANK YOU. He prayed. Roman moved closer to the bed, his eyes now focused upon the heart monitor as it rose and fell with quiet little blips. Never before had he heard more beautiful music. THANK YOU, GOD! THANK YOU! Roman prayed as he wiped away tears of his own.
A thought popped into John’s head as he watched the doctor checking Marlena’s vital signs. Silently, he approached her. She looked up at him curiously and only when their eyes met did he finally have the courage to speak again.
“Dr. Morgan, the baby, is it?” He whispered tentatively, knowing the mere mention of that child would anger Roman.
“Well, for now, the baby seems to be doing okay. I can’t tell you how surprised I am. We’ll have to run more tests to make sure that everything is all right, but a miracle seems to have saved them both,” John’s heart soared. He stepped to the bed, his excitement creating an uncertain feeling of trepidation in his soul. As the doctor and nurses finally began to leave Marlena’s side, John latched onto her hand, clutching it desperately as if it were his only lifeline on a sinking ship. With love exuding from his voice, he began to speak to her, to invite her back to his side. She seemed to sense his touch even in her unconscious state s her skin began to flush. As he gently brought her limp hand to his lips, her heartbeat began to rise even more. John smiled at his effect on her. Roman noticed the change too and angrily sulked back into the corner.
“Doc, you did it again. You defied all the odds and pulled through. You are such a fighter. I admire that more than you’ll ever know. The doctor says our baby is doing well. She says it’s a miracle. So, miracle worker, why don’t you open those eyes and let me tell you how truly grateful I am?” Roman heard John’s entire speech. His stomach began to churn as his anger once again rose. Angrily, he stepped to the bed and shot John a look of death.
“She’s my wife,” He spat. John dropped her hand guiltily, but refused to move from his position beside her.
“I know that, Roman, but I am not leaving this room until she wakes up.” His voice still bore the definite weight of guilt, but he was resolute in his decision. Roman tried to smother his anger to do what was best for Marlena but found he could not. He angrily pushed John aside.
“She’s my wife and I want you out of here. NOW!” He spat. John turned to go, his heart heavy with the pressure of defeat, when he heard a soft whisper. His heart soared with excitement upon hearing her voice again.
“John,” he whirled back around. Roman wore the mask of a ghost as his heart silently tore in two. Marlena’s eyes were still closed but her lips were pursed in a peaceful smile.
“John,” John flew to her side, grasping tightly to her hand.
“I’m here, Doc. I’ll always be here,” She said no more, but began to toss and turn in the bed, silent tears slipping down her pale cheeks. John began to comfort her, whispering soft words of love to her as a horrified Roman was forced to listen. Dejected, Roman turned away, hiding his own tears. He had always heard that whatever a person said while unconscious was what they really wanted. And Marlena wanted John, not him. This revelation hurt him almost as much as the thought of her dying. He slipped out of the door, unnoticed by John. In that one moment, he had lost all hope for their future.
Marlena felt John’s love exuding through each lilting word that trickled from his lips. She could feel herself drawing closer and closer to home with each sentence that he spoke. He gently squeezed her hand and lovingly whispered her name. Warmth slowly crept through her body radiating from John’s hand. She struggled to open her eyes, but found them still uncooperative. Softly, she whispered his name again. John’s eyes glowed. He had never been more relieved to hear his name before.
“I’m still here, Doc. I am not leaving,” He stared down at her lovingly willing her to open her eyes. As if she had heard his command, her lids began to flutter. Her hazel eyes blinked rapidly as the bright lights assaulted her vision. John felt tears began rolling down his cheeks. Silently, he dropped his gaze, not wanting her to see his tears. “Oh, Doc,” He choked on the tears that had collected in his throat. Marlena gave his hand a tiny squeeze, all that she could muster, and let her own tears fall. “I thought we lost you, sweetheart. I was so scared.” Marlena nodded her understanding.
“John, is the baby all right?” Her first thoughts were of the child that she had nearly chosen to give up. She remembered quite clearly the conversation with Sam that she’d had where she had admitted that she would rather give up the baby than face the repercussions of John’s and her decisions. A new sense of guilt crept over her as she realized that her wavering on whether she should return home or not could have hurt the child irreparably. This fresh wave of guilt plagued her conscience even more than her betrayal of Roman because she had not chosen to hurt Roman; it had simply happened. But she nearly chose to hurt the child. HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THAT? She realized then something that she had begun to understand as she heard her child’s cries: she loved this baby. Immensely and incomprehensibly, she loved this baby. No matter who was its father, she was still its mother and she loved it. She couldn’t wait to hold it in her arms and welcome it into the world, if only God would give her that chance. John glanced up at her, his eyes glowing with excitement.
“The baby seems to be doing fine. Dr. Morgan wants to run some more tests, but she said it is as if a miracle happened and brought you both back to us.”
“A miracle huh?” Relief flooded Marlena’s soul assuaging the guilt nagging at her mind. Lost in thought, she released John’s hand and placed her own slender hand across her slightly swollen stomach. MY CHILD IS ALL RIGHT! THANK YOU, GOD! THANK YOU! I PROMISE TO NEVER EVER STOP LOVING MY PRECIOUS CHILD. NEVER! John placed his hand beside hers upon her abdomen, desperate for this closeness to both her and the baby.
“OUR little miracle,” John whispered. Marlena flushed. Suddenly, she remembered something. While she’d been unconscious, she had heard Roman’s voice. Had he been here at her bedside too? She wondered.
“John, was Roman here?” John’s heart sunk, but he knew he was going to have to accept that she was Roman’s wife and wished to remain so. He tried to keep the disappointment from his face as he looked up at her. She didn’t miss it, and seemed somewhat ashamed for causing further pain.
“Yes, he was here. He brought you here. I don’t know where he went. Maybe out to tell the family the good news.” Marlena’s eyes grew wide.
“The family is here?”
“Of course, Doc. Why wouldn’t they be?” He eyed her curiously.
“Do they know everything?”
“I am not sure. They didn’t seem to care even if they did, except Sami who barely even looked at me.”
“Poor Sami. John, how did you find out I was in here? I was with Roman when it happened and I am sure he didn’t call you.”
“No he didn’t. Caroline called Eric and Eric called me. He was pretty upset. I picked him and Sami up, although she was less than thrilled to be riding with me, and brought them here.” Marlena remembered Sami’s and Eric’s prayers. POOR CHILDREN, THEY HAVE ALREADY HAD SUCH A HARD LIFE. I WISH I COULD CHANGE THINGS FOR THEM.
***
As Roman stepped into the waiting room, concerned family members instantly flanked him. Even Eric, who had been avoiding his father like the plague, came over to hear news on Marlena’s condition. Kim was the first one to speak. Roman wiped a tear from his eye and gathered his little sister in his arms. Everyone feared the worst. Eric felt his knees buckle as Sami latched onto his arm. Together, they upheld one another until Roman could finally speak. Kim stepped back to allow Roman access to his children. Roman reached out a hand to Sami who sadly moved to his side.
“Daddy, is she?” She let the question hang in the air as she could not bear to say the words. Roman shook his head and gathered Sami to him.
“No, Peanut, she pulled through. The doctor thinks that both she and the baby will be fine,” Everyone released a collective sigh of relief.
“What was wrong with her, Dad?” Carrie joined Sami at their father’s side.
“Well, it seems like she developed gestational diabetes. She had not been resting enough or eating properly and the strain of the situation just proved too much. She slipped into a hypoglycemic coma and for a minute we lost her. But Dr. Morgan brought her back to us,” Carrie wore a confused expression as she had not yet heard the news of the affair.
“What situation, Dad?” Roman’s heart sunk and he just shook his head, not wanting to talk about it anymore.
“Carrie, maybe you should go get some coffee with me,” Caroline suggested. Seeing her father’s reluctance to say anymore, Carrie agreed. Away from Roman’s hearing, Caroline explained the intricacies of the difficult situation to an appalled Carrie. She suddenly had no idea where her loyalties should lie, with the only mother she’d ever really known who had now deeply wounded her father, with the man who had done his best to raise her only to give her away to a man she barely remembered or with the man who had sired her and had spent the last few years trying to make up for the time that he had missed with her. She glanced at Roman, trying to mask the tears threatening to surface. He looked broken, but happy about Marlena’s hopeful prognosis. Carrie felt so conflicted. Quietly, she told her grandmother she needed some air and disappeared into the night to think things through.
Roman watched as Carrie slipped outside, his heart breaking for her inevitable confusion, for his own confusion. He wanted desperately to repair things with Marlena. As he had heard that haunting wail echoing through the room announcing Marlena’s near death, he had known that he could not live without her. And then, she had awoken with John’s name on her lips. He had thought he would die with pain. Confusion raced through every vein in his body. On one hand, he wanted to never see her or John ever again. He wanted to tell John that he could have her. He wanted the pain from her affair to disappear with her. But on the other hand, he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her forever. He wanted to fight John for her love. As he stood trying to sort out his conflicted feelings, Eric tapped on his shoulder. Roman turned to his son, wearing an apologetic smile. Eric still bore the mask of anger, only slightly muted by his concern for his mother.
“I would like to go see her. Can I?” Eric’s request sounded so forlorn, so desperate. Roman nodded and took his son’s arm in his own. Silently, Eric pulled away. Roman winced, but suppressed his feelings for the sake of his son.
“Yes, of course. But, remember, she doesn’t look very good. She wasn’t conscious when I left and she looked pretty helpless,” Eric nodded.
“I don’t care what she looks like as long as she’s alive,” Roman smiled, understanding his son’s statement better than Eric could have possibly known.
As Roman started to lead Eric back to the room, he caught a glimpse of Sami who was sulking back in the corner. He told Eric he’d be right back and went to Sami’s side. “Sami,” He whispered. She glanced up at him, forcing a fake smile to appear for his benefit. “Would you like to go with Eric and me to see your mom?” Sami’ s first instinct was to follow her father, to run into her mother’s arms and find some respite in forgiveness, but quickly her anger surfaced. She knew she wasn’t quite ready to face her yet. Sadly, she shook her head, dropping her eyes to the floor.
“No, Daddy, not yet,” Roman wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to his chest. Sami choked back the tears threatening to spill down her ivory cheeks.
“That’s okay, Peanut. She’ll understand. I’ll be back in a little while,” Sami nodded, clearing her throat to rid herself of the unshed tears and stepped back. She watched as her father and brother made the trek down the long hallway, desperately wanting to toss her anger aside and join them as a family at her mother’s bedside, but the pain wrenching through her soul told her that she couldn’t. Not now and maybe not ever. Sadly, she turned away as the tears came.
***
John sat upon Marlena’s bed, holding tightly to her hand. He had apprised her of her medical condition and spent the last few minutes just listening to the melodic sounds of her and the baby’s heart monitors. Both silently listened, mesmerized by the symphony being created within Marlena’s body. No words were needed. Their hearts and souls were completely in synch, as they had always been. The door opened, interrupting the peaceful silence that had descended upon the room. They both looked up. Marlena smiled as she saw Eric peek into the room.
“Come on in, sweetheart,” she beckoned, patting the spot beside her on the bed. Eric smiled, the warmth of his gaze filling the entire room.
“Mom, I was so worried,” He whispered as he gingerly wrapped his arms around her.
“I know, but everything’s okay. I am going to be fine and so is the baby,” Eric breathed a sigh of relief. Roman, who had been watching the tender exchange between his wife and son from the door, entered. “Hello, Roman.” Her eyes danced with love as she glanced at her husband. He ducked his eyes, determined to hide behind the guise of aloofness.
“Marlena. It’s good to see you awake. You had us all pretty worried,” She noticed his distance, but pretended not to. “Has Dr. Morgan been in to see you yet?”
“No, not yet. John and I were waiting for her.” Roman eyed John with undisguised malice. “John, may I speak with you? Privately,” Roman’s statement was more of a demand than a request. John complied, squeezing Marlena’s hand one last time before following Roman to the other side of the room. As soon as they stepped out of Marlena’s hearing, Roman turned on John like a caged lion, baring his anger like well-sharpened claws. “John, my son and I would like to spend some time alone with my wife. I would appreciate it if you would allow us the courtesy of some privacy.” His voice was hushed but contained all the anger of a full-fledged scream.
“Sorry, Roman, can’t do that. I am not leaving her until we hear from Dr. Morgan,” Roman glared at John.
“John, that was not a request. She is my wife and if I have to call the hospital security, you will give us some time alone,” His voice raised, reaching Eric and Marlena who were attempting not to notice the conversation happening across the room. Marlena’s hold on his son’s hand tightened, her facial muscles tensing although she still wore the mask of happiness. Eric was not fooled by her disguise.
“That child she is carrying is mine. I have every right to be here and I WILL NOT leave until I have heard from Dr. Morgan that both Marlena and our child are fine. I know my presence upsets you, Roman. It’s only understandable, but for Marlena’s sake, can we put our differences aside and try to be civil?” John calmly replied, his jaw twitching with nervous anger.
“Your presence upsets me? How about revolts me? That fits the situation better. And I do not want you to understand. I want you to get out. I think I have a better idea what is best for Marlena. She IS MY wife, you know?”
“She was mine once and I know her better than you could even think about knowing her. I know her what makes her heart beat. I know her thoughts before she thinks them. I will not leave. I love her, Roman, and I will not leave her side until I have heard that she will recover completely,” Roman could no longer control his anger. He rared back, his fist slamming into John’s chiseled jaw with unrestrained anger. He would pummel that smug satisfaction from John’s face. He would destroy John’s connection to Marlena if he had to destroy John himself.
Marlena screamed as she watched Roman’s fist collide with John’s cheek. Her heart fell to her feet as she tried to get up and stop the foolish display of manhood occurring before her eyes. Eric gently sat her back down and ran to separate his feuding fathers.
“Stop it,” He bellowed, his voice rising above the cacophony of violence riding in the air.
“Look at what you are doing to her,” John’s fist stopped mid-air, his eyes falling to the crestfallen Marlena lying upon the hospital bed. She was sobbing uncontrollably. He stepped away from Roman. “You both say that you love her, but if you did you would stop acting like infants and deal with one another for her sake. No one enjoys this situation, especially Mom. Don’t make things worse by fighting one another. She’s sick enough without you two juveniles fighting over her.” Eric lectured. Both of his fathers dropped their eyes to the floor, knowing that his every word was true. “I think it would be best if you both left until you can handle one another’s presence. I will stay with her and will send someone for you, John, when Dr. Morgan gets here.” John nodded obediently. He cast an apologetic glance at Marlena who refused to even meet his glance. Roman angrily shoved John aside and slammed the door behind him as he exited.
“Doc, I’m sorry,” John whispered as he attempted to hold her hand.
“Don’t,” Marlena shook her head, turning away from him.
“John, please, just go. I promise I’ll take good care of her,” Silently, John made his exit, tears slipping down his cheek with each step he made.
Eric joined Marlena upon the bed, pulling her into a tender hug. He smoothed her hair away from her face as he held her tightly. He was so glad to know that she was all right. His heart swelled with happiness and relief.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Mom,” Marlena looked into her son’s hazel eyes and for the first time in days, she truly believed that he was right. She believed that everything would be all right. She snuggled him closer to her chest, thankful for such a caring son.
“Thank you, Eric. I love you so much,” She whispered through silent tears.
“I know, Mom. I have always known.” Marlena looked at her son, remembering DJ’s words from her dream. As she peered into Eric’s eyes, she could see DJ in him and felt a closeness to both of her sons that she had never experienced. Although her world had begun a descent into utter madness, Marlena found comfort in her children’s love. She squeezed Eric a little more tightly. I WILL SURVIVE! She promised herself. NO, I WILL THRIVE.
Dr. Morgan rapped lightly on the door and peeked her head inside the dismal hospital room. A subtle smile crept across her face as she saw her patient smiling back at her. Eric jumped from the bed to greet his mother’s doctor, more grateful than his whispered words of gratitude could ever convey. Dr. Morgan, who hadn’t yet met Marlena’s son, was shocked by his appearance. His eyes were a shimmering hazel just as his mother’s and his boyish smile could start a forest fire. He was definitely his mother’s son. Dr. Morgan shook his hand, brushing off his words of adulation with a gentle smile.
“Well, well, well, I heard you were awake, but I didn’t expect you to be quite this together. I must admit, Dr. Evans, you are looking much better than I expected,” Marlena smiled bashfully and glanced up at Eric.
“Thanks to my big handsome boy I am doing quite well,” Eric blushed. “So, Dr, what’s the verdict?”
“Well, I want to examine you and the baby first and then I’ll let you know, okay?” Marlena nodded, looking up at Eric again. She mouthed John’s name and Eric started to move. Dr. Morgan stopped him.
“Don’t worry. He’s taken up residence outside of the room and saw me when I came in. I told him to give me a few minutes alone with your mom and then he could come in,” Eric nodded, not the least bit surprised that John was playing sentry outside the door.
“Should I go?” Eric whispered, not quite ready to leave his mother’s side yet.
“Why don’t you keep John company, sweetheart? I’ll be fine,” He quickly nodded his agreement and bent down to hug her one last time.
“I love you, Mom,” Marlena felt the tears begin once again. Dang, these hormones.
“I love you, too, sweetheart. Now get out of here,” She playfully swatted at him and he raced out the door, pausing for just one last look as he slipped out. He just needed to make sure it wasn’t all a dream. That she was really alive and well. She smiled warmly at him. He felt the warmth clear down to his toes and knew that it was no dream after all. He waved and stepped outside. Dr. Morgan sat down beside Marlena on the bed.
“Well, it looks like you haven’t been taking good care of yourself,” She chastised. Marlena ducked her head.
“No, I guess I haven’t. Things haven’t been real good at home,” Dr. Morgan nodded her head sympathetically.
“Are you and Roman still together?” She gently asked.
“I don’t really know. Things aren’t good though,” Again, Dr. Morgan nodded her understanding. “So are you going to examine me or what?”
“Yes, but first I want to brief you on your condition. I’m sure John has already told you that you have gestational diabetes,” Marlena nodded. “That means that you must take excellent care of your body and mind for the next few months or you will lose the baby. I am sure you already know a little about the disease but I suggest you get as much information as possible so that you can take the best possible care of both yourself and your child,” Dr. Morgan wore the studious look of professionalism.
“Now, will the baby develop diabetes after birth?” Marlena prodded.
“Most likely, no; however, in some cases the child does develop diabetes. I don’t think that should be your biggest concern,” Marlena suddenly looked perplexed.
“What should be my biggest concern?”
“Adequate rest and nutrition are imperative in your condition and you MUST not get overly stressed. Your baby has already undergone a good deal of trauma and frankly I am surprised that it has lived. In order to carry this pregnancy full term, you will have to take care of yourself. Your primary concern should be your child’s health and your own health. I know that you are worried about your family and repairing your marriage, but right now it has to take backseat to your pregnancy. Do you understand?” Marlena nodded obediently.
“I want to do everything I can to help my baby,” She whispered.
“That’s what I wanted to hear. Okay now would you like me to get John for the examination or would you like to go it alone?” Marlena pondered the question thoughtfully.
“Well, you better go get him. He’ll never let me rest if he knows I did this alone,” Dr. Morgan smiled and stepped back to the door. She opened it and John fell inside the room. Both women laughed as he collapsed clumsily upon the floor, his hand still cupped to the door.
“Well, Mr. Black, good to have you with us,” Dr. Morgan chuckled.
“Yeah, John, glad you could ‘drop’ in!” Marlena laughed. John stood up, dusting himself off as he stuck his tongue out at Marlena.
“Very funny, Doc.”
“I thought so,” She stuck her tongue out at him. Dr. Morgan watched the couple silently, wondering if even they realized how much in love they were. Watching them together felt like pure voyeurism, she thought as she innocently watched the fireworks explode between them. She shook her head, wishing she could find a man to love her as much as this man loved Marlena. As she began preparing her equipment, John took up his stance beside Marlena, taking her trembling hand inside his own strong one, and awaited the doctor’s examination.
***
Roman stepped inside the hospital chapel, dropping to his knees before the altar. He felt as if his heart were being rent in two, in many ways it was. He loved Marlena more than he could comprehend and more than anything he wanted to be with her, but deep inside something had died as she had confessed the extent of her betrayal. He wanted to welcome her back with open arms, to pretend that nothing had happened, but this child prevented that. John would never take a passive stance in his child’s upbringing, not that Roman expected him to, but the thought of seeing John on such a regular basis and knowing that John’s feelings for Marlena were just as strong as ever made Roman’s stomach churn. John’s feelings were out in the open. Some consolation could be found in that, knowing that he wasn’t going to hide behind the guise of friendship any longer. The real question lay within Marlena. Had her feelings for John abated or was she still burning with desire for him? This question cut deeply into Roman’s soul, wracking his body with fear and insecurity. Frightened, he wrapped his arms around his waist tightly, trying to somehow fend off the sense of isolation that had crept over him at the thought of losing Marlena forever. With his arms firmly clenched around himself, he looked desperately up to the heavens.
“What do I do now, God? What do I do now?” He collapsed in a mountain of heartbreaking sobs as his mournful call echoed through the chambers of his mind. As he let his gaze return to the ground, his mournful whisper escaped in a choked sob , “What do I do now?”
***
Marlena looked up at John, who was listening carefully to the doctor’s every instruction. She watched helplessly as Dr. Morgan enlisted John in an avid campaign to watch her every move. She knew John needed no encouragement, but the doctor’s serious directions seemed to spur him to even greater depths of over-protection. She wondered if she would have a moment to herself before the baby was born. Although she knew she should be listening, she could not keep her mind focused on the situation at hand. Roman had called her “his wife.” Something deep in her heart stirred as she remembered his words, but just as quickly she remembered what had forced him to say those words. He had not said it out of love for her, but out of hate for John. He was simply claming his territory or was he? Right now she just didn’t know. Suddenly, she realized both John and Dr. Morgan were staring at her, her inattention had been noticed. John shot her a look of aggravation as he watched her try to backpaddle out of the situation.
“So, Marlena, what do you think about what Dr Morgan has just told us? Do you really think it’s true, Dr. Morgan, that Marlena could give birth to an alien’s baby,” He wore a look of studied graveness. Dr. Morgan shook her head, sadly.
“Mr. Black, yes, I am sorry to say that your child may be born with bright green skin,” Marlena caught on to the joke and stuck her tongue out at John again.
“Look, Doc, I know you have a lot on your mind, but it’s really important that we pay complete attention to Dr. Morgan’s instructions. I don’t want to lose you or the baby.” Marlena nodded, feeling a little like a reproached child.
“I’m sorry. I’ll try to pay better attention.” She didn’t even try to offer an excuse, a simple apology was much easier and less painful for all. Quickly, she drew in a deep breath and banished every thought not having to do with her baby. After a moment, she lifted her eyes and met John’s concerned glare. She managed a smile and then immediately focused all of her energy on memorizing Dr. Morgan’s instructions for the baby’s care. “What did I miss?”
“I was telling Mr. Black that you must follow a strict regimen of vitamins and a stringent diet and exercise program. At least five hours a week must be spent in moderate exercise, nothing too strenuous. We have to keep you healthy in order to keep the baby healthy.”
“Dr. Morgan, I don’t have time for a stringent exercise program. I am a full-time wife, mother and psychiatrist. I do not plan on adding aerobics instructor to the list. Five hours in the gym does not fit into my schedule.”
“I understand that, Marlena. That’s why I think it is going to be necessary for you to take some time off for a few months, until the baby is born.”
“Time off? I can’t. My patients need me . . . and I need them,” She whispered, knowing that without her job she would have no escape from the horrors of her own home life.
“You can give your patients to another doctor. And you have your children and you have me. I am not going to let you go through this alone, Doc,” John squeezed tightly to her hand. For a moment, his eyes caught hers in a gaze so intense that the very air surrounding them seemed live with electricity. She felt her very soul tremble. Afraid of the intensity of the emotions sparked by his gaze, she dropped her eyes to the sheet covering her.
“Dr. Morgan, are there any other dangers I need to watch for?” Marlena quickly changed the subject.
“Well, no, I guess not, but I feel obligated to warn you that there is a possibility that this child might be born with brain damage. With the shock that I had to administer to your body and with your being in a coma, it is possible that the child’s mental development could be slowed. But with all the miracles that have accompanied you, I wouldn’t worry much. This child seems to have an angel on its side,” Marlena could see Sam and DJ smiling down at her as clearly as if they stood before her. Her heart warmed at the thought.
“It certainly does. It most certainly does,” Marlena offered a silent prayer of thanks for her sister’s and son’s guidance while she was torn between life and death. They had saved her then and she knew they would protect her child from any further harm. John gave her a questioning glance as he pondered her somewhat cryptic answer. She offered him a teary smile in return. “So, when may I go home?” Dr. Morgan laughed at Marlena’s impatience.
“Well, I want to take a look at the rest of these test results, but everything looks fine. I’ll stop back by in about ten minutes with the verdict, okay?” Marlena nodded happily as Dr. Morgan slipped out of the room.
“So, what has you so excited?” John asked as he settled beside her on the bed. Before she could answer, Eric swept into the room, his eyes aglow.
“I saw Dr. Morgan leave. Is everything all right with you and the baby?” He settled on the other side of Marlena, instantly cradling her iv-laden hand in his strong grasp.
“Dr. Morgan says everything looks good. She’s going to check the results. I might get to go home tonight,” Marlena’s eyes glowed with excitement. Eric looked at her questioningly.
“And where is home, Mom?” He whispered gingerly. John could sense the tension that Eric’s question brought as she released her tight grip on his hand. She bit her lower lip somewhat nervously and peered up at her son with unfelt determination.
“Why our home, of course. Yours, mine, Sami’s and Roman’s. OUR home, our only home,” She seemed determined to fight the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.
“Doc, why don’t you and Eric come stay with me for awhile. I’ll take care of you and the baby and Roman can have some time to cool off. I don’t think going home is the wisest decision,” John offered. Eric nodded his head in agreement.
“Well, it’s not your decision to make!” She stated firmly.
“That’s right, Black. It’s mine and Marlena’s,” Roman appeared in the doorway, his eyes bloodshot and his cheeks stained by many hours of unrestrained sobbing. Marlena’s heart leapt as he walked toward her with determination. “Did Dr Morgan say you could leave already, Marlena?” His voice held no emotion.
“Well, not yet. She said she’d be by in about ten minutes with a verdict on whether I could leave or not.” Marlena watched as John slowly backed away from the bed. Eric, too, began to move out of Roman’s reach. She hated all the tension between the three most important men in her life. “Roman, did you mean that I could come home to you and the children?”
“I meant that you will not be staying with him,” He stated icily.
John’s ire rose quickly.
“Roman, Marlena was right when she said it wasn’t my decision to make, but you know what, it isn’t yours either. She’s a grown woman and she can decide what’s best for both herself and the baby. Don’t tell her where she will or will not be staying,” John’s voice was laced with barely contained anger. Eric fled into the hallway to fetch his grandfather to separate what was destined to be another explosive fight. He returned moments later to find John and Roman edging toward one another as prowling mountain lions. Shawn, Caroline and Sami all appeared behind him.
“Stay out of this, John, if you want to stay alive,” Roman growled. Marlena whimpered, her eyes growing wider with each passing second. Fear coursed through every vein of her body. She felt certain this tension was not good for her baby.
“Please, John, just go,” She pleaded desperately. John peered up at her, his wounded heart clearly displayed in the tempest of waves riding in his eyes.
“Doc, is that what you want? Do you want to go home to him, to the man who only hours ago swore to hate you forever. At least with me, you know where you stand,”
“Or where you lie,” Roman snidely spat. “He doesn’t love you, Marlena. You’re simply another passing fancy to fill that insatiable libido of his.” Marlena drew back, knowing Roman’s words were lies.
“That’s a lie, Doc. You know that and you know I only want your happiness. I just want to make sure that he’s what you need to be happy,” His eyes begged her to ask him to stay. She looked around the room to see her mother-in-law and father-in-law watching from the doorway with her two children close by. Could nothing ever be private in Salem, she wondered. “If my leaving is what you want, I’ll walk out that door and let you stay with him. Is that what you want?” She bit back the tears and nodded sadly, feeling as if her heart were calling her a liar as she spoke.
“Yes, John, that’s what I want. Please just go,” John’s shoulders slumped. He leaned over to place a goodbye kiss upon her cheek, but she turned away, her tears spilling silently down her cheeks as her heart tore in two.
“Goodbye, Marlena,” He whispered as he escaped the torment lying within the four walls of her hospital room. As he fled into the hallways, he found the torment lay not in that room, but within his very soul. Out of view from the family, he leaned up against the wall and slowly slid down, sobs escaping his chest with each inch that he lowered. As he finally reached the floor, he dropped his head in his hands, squeezing it tightly as if to ward off the finality of her statements.
“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!” His tortured scream echoed through the halls, causing Marlena’s silent tears to become a steady stream of cascading waterfalls. Her body shook with anguish as her family watched. Eric slipped silently to her side, drawing her heaving body into a comforting embrace. She clutched to him as if he were the only life preserver on a sinking ship. He held her ever tighter, knowing the choice she had made for her family had cost her her very soul.
Roman backed away, unable to comprehend his wife’s response. He wanted to believe that her tears were tears of joy at her restored family, but knew deep inside that they were not. Had their family been restored or even further rent in two by this latest scene? He wished he knew. Dr. Morgan stepped into the room, clearing her throat unconsciously. Every eye instantly came to rest upon her.
“Marlena, everything looks great with the baby. I’ve got your release papers right here. You just need to sign them,” Marlena held her hand out for the pen and papers that the doctor held. Eric was instantly up and placing the papers in her hands. Shakily, she signed. “Well, I’ll expect you to make an appointment with me in a couple of days for a checkup. Here’s a dietary guide I had made for you. Please follow it as closely as possible. It’s important that both you and the baby get all the nutrients that it provides.” Marlena nodded, her eyes lacking their earlier excitement at being released. “You are free to go home now, Marlena.”
“Thank you, Dr. Morgan. We appreciate all your help,” Eric answered for his mother, leading the doctor out the door. He also escorted his grandmother and grandfather away. He tried to shoo Sami away as well, but she remained steadfastly at their father’s side.
“Well, gang, let’s go home,” Roman tried his best to ignore the entire situation placed before them. Sami did not appreciate his attempt to smooth the swollen seas.
“Let’s go home. After all that, after watching her distraught at John’s departure all you have to say is let’s go home. Are you blind, Daddy? She’s not worth you. She’s not worth any of us, only that pitiful creature whose child she’s carrying. Can’t you see that?” Sami spat angrily. Eric eyed her with undisguised anger. Marlena only fell deeper into despair.
“Samantha Gene Brady, you will not talk about your mother that way. I have decided to let her stay. I have decided to save this family, to try to repair our broken home. If it’s good enough for me, then you better accept it. We are going home now and you will not talk like that again,” Roman hated being rough on Sami. Marlena hated the way he talked as if saving their family were simply another strategical move of police work.
“I am not going home. What we have is not a home. Why even call it that? If she’s there, I will never come home, never. She still loves him, Daddy, him not you. Can’t you see that? If you were smart, you’d leave too,” She shouted.
“That’s enough, Sami. What Mom and Dad decide is what we all will live with, whether we like it or not. Back off,” Eric shouted back.
“Stop it, just everyone stop it. Sami is right, Roman, I don’t deserve you or our family, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do everything in my power to save it. If Sami doesn’t want to come home, then let her stay with your parents until things cool off.” Sami did not want her mother to agree with her, did not want her mother’s support. She shoved Eric aside and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
“She’ll get over it, Mom,” Eric offered kindly. Marlena doubted it. Roman turned to her, his voice still without emotion.
“Do you need help getting dressed or can you manage?” She cringed, knowing that this was the last thing he wanted to be doing.
“I can manage. Can you please send the nurse in here to disconnect all this equipment though?” Eric nodded.
“I’ll go,” He kissed her gently. “I’ll see you in a few.”
“I’ll be waiting outside,” Roman declared flatly. “Then we’ll go home.” He stepped out the door and Marlena collapsed.
“Home? Is there such a thing anymore?” She whispered.
Roman held the door for Marlena as she stepped tentatively inside the house. She wasn’t sure if this living situation was going to work, but she was more than willing to try anything to save her marriage. Eric followed behind his mother, watching his father like a hawk preparing to intercept any angry words that may leave his lips. Slowly, Marlena walked to the couch and sat down, fatigue swimming in her hazel eyes. She glanced around the room. Everything looked the same and yet everything was now different. In the corner of the room, she spied the broken picture frame, another reminder that their lives had been thrown upside down. She hadn’t even cleaned the shards of glass up. The picture lay discarded on the floor. She picked it up and studied it. WE ARE GOING TO BE THIS HAPPY AGAIN SOMEDAY. WE HAVE TO BE.
“I am going to go make up the bed in the extra room,” Roman stated emotionlessly as he started for the stairs. Marlena’s eyes grew wide. He only stared at her with a mask of stoic composure.
“I thought you’d . . . be . . . staying with me,” She whispered gingerly, well aware of their son’s presence in the room.
“No, I will be in the guest room. If you need anything, let me know,” He disappeared up the stairs. Eric dropped to the couch beside his mother. She brushed at a falling tear with the back of her hand, trying to hide her pain and disappointment from her son.
“He’s never going to forgive you, Mom. You two will spend the rest of your marriage living in separate bedrooms, leading separate lives all for the sake of us children. I, for one, could do without the charade. Couldn’t you?” Eric’s words were not meant to sting, but they did as the reality of the hopeless situation set in. She only hung her head. “I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” He whispered, wrapping a protective arm around her. She nodded her head understandingly, but couldn’t find the strength to speak. He pulled back and looked into her eyes, smiling that familiar warm smile at her. “I love you, Mom, and will support whatever decisions you make about our future as a family.”
He wiped her streaming tears with the pad of his thumb, only causing her to cry more. She remembered the countless times that John had done the exact same thing. John again invaded her thoughts, as he had from the first moment she had met him. And now she was being forced to choose between the two loves of her life. Roman, the strong rock of playful passion and John the eternal flame stirring deep within her soul. OH, GOD, WHAT DO I DO? I LOVE THEM BOTH.
“Thanks, Eric. That means a lot to me. I think I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you very much,” She pressed a gentle kiss against his forehead and rose from the couch. Her knees quivered as she stood. Instantly, his arm was supporting her trembling frame.
“Mom, are you sure you can make it up the stairs by yourself? I can help you. You just came out of a coma you know and you’re pregnant. You shouldn’t try to do too much too soon,” She shook her head, laughing silently. John would be proud of Eric’s fierce protectiveness of her.
“I can make it by myself. Thank you very much,” Eric laughed, happy to see even a hint of her smile again.
“Okay, okay, I get the picture. I was just trying to help.”
“I know you were and I appreciate it more than you could ever know. Good night, honey.” She waved as she started up the stairs. She passed Sami’s empty bedroom and thought of her daughter’s adamant decision to stay with her grandparents until things returned to normal around the house. How could one love a child so much and yet be so angry at the decisions she’d made? Marlena wondered. She passed the guestroom and paused momentarily to peer inside. She expected to see Roman tidying the room, but was surprised to find the small room vacant. Her heart rose. MAYBE HE CHANGED HIS MIND AND DECIDED TO STAY WITH ME AFTER ALL. She had to fight the urge to run down the remainder of the hallway. As she purposely cascaded down the hallway, she found their bedroom door open wide.
“Roman, are you in here?” She whispered. She didn’t see him anywhere. Mysteriously, he appeared from the closet, bearing an armload of clothes. Her hopes were instantly dashed.
“Sorry, I was trying to get this stuff out of here before you came up to bed. I didn’t think you’d be up for awhile.” He smiled apologetically. Seeing him removing every last bit himself from their bedroom tore at her remaining shred of composure. I NEED HIM! NOT IN THE GUEST BED, BUT IN MY BED! Marlena’s emotions quickly raged out of her control. She wanted desperately to save her marriage and would do anything to do so. Roman quickly disappeared with his clothes, but said he’d be back for the few things he’d left behind in a minute. Marlena smiled weakly. A plan was beginning to formulate in her mind. She had never thought of anything quite so devious, but desperate times called for desperate measures. And she had to save her family, for the children if for nothing else.
When Roman reentered the room, she felt her knees go weak. The plan was tossed aside quickly as she realized she could not manipulate him in that way. She could not use his passion for her to keep him here with her. He grabbed her as she began to fall and held tightly to her wobbling frame. She looked up into his eyes. In them she was sure she saw love and concern for her. As she regained her strength, he steadied her with gentle care.
“Are you okay, Doc?” He slipped, referring to her as the nickname he’d sworn to himself he would abandon. The endearment did not slip past Marlena’s ears and it caused her heart to leap with joy. She nodded silently as she continued to stare into his eyes. He tried to avoid her gaze, but found his eyes uncontrollably drawn to hers. She ran a gentle hand along his strong cheekbone, silently remembering the nights of passion that they had spent together in this room. He caught her hand, but instead of pulling it away as she had expected, he laced his fingers through it, holding tightly to his anchor. Staring deeply into his eyes, she knew instantly that her plan would work. He could never refuse her passion. She would seduce him and make him remember what their love was all about. Then let him try to tell her that their marriage wasn’t worth saving.
Silently, she reached up with her free hand and traced the outline of his lips with her slender finger. She felt his lips quiver at her touch. She leaned in and replaced her finger with her lips, placing a chaste kiss upon his trembling lips. In seconds, she could feel his lips responding to hers as he deepened the kiss. His tongue hungrily explored her mouth as his hands fumbled to remove his clothing.
Marlena broke the kiss, stepping back to remove his shirt from his chest. With careful precision, she unbuttoned each button, both of their desire rising with each passing second. As she removed the shirt from his back, she wrapped her arms around him, raking her fingernails along his backbone.
“I need you, Roman,” She whispered. Roman nodded his ascent and pulled her into a passionate kiss, desperate to feel her lips upon his again. As he began unbuttoning her dress, he followed the trail his fingers were creating with tender kisses, pausing to place passionate kisses upon her neck. Her neck arched with desire, just as he knew it would. As he heard her softly moaning his name, his surrendered all control to the desires of his wife.
“I need you too, Doc. I love you.” He groaned feverishly. Marlena’s eyes lit up, his tender words serving only to fuel her desire for him. He continued his passionate exploration of her body, tenderly worshipping her body with his hands. As he reached her waistline, he suddenly stopped unbuttoning, his lips quickly escaping the haven at the base of her throat. His breath caught in his chest as he pictured John sharing this with her, undressing Marlena in much the same way. He imagined John caressing Marlena with unbridled passion, gazing at her through love-glazed eyes. He could see John’s hands dancing across her naked body, could hear the soft moans escaping Marlena’s lips. His stomach began to heave as he wondered whether Marlena was making love with him or John right now. Which man was she seeing when she closed her eyes? The man who now held her and or the man who had once held her and whose child now grew within her body. He didn’t know and wasn’t all together sure he wanted to know.
“Don’t stop, Roman. Please don’t stop,” Marlena whispered raggedly. Roman silently reached for his shirt that had fallen discarded upon the floor, his eyes never leaving her waistline. She eyed him with apparent confusion, then glanced down to where his gaze had fallen: her ever-growing abdomen lay exposed. Suddenly, she understood.
“Roman, I’m so sorry,” She whispered as she quickly rebuttoned her dress. Roman shook his head, defeated. He felt as if his head would explode with the pain of losing her. Desperately he tried to keep his emotions in check as his world came crashing down.
“Sorry won’t make that baby mine, Marlena,” His words held none of his earlier anger, only sadness. She cringed at his words, knowing it was the truth. She did not miss the use of her real name once again. “And sorry won’t really make you mine ever again,” He whispered as he moved to exit the room. Marlena reached out, stopping him with her hand. His skin heated at her touch and he knew if he didn’t leave soon that he’d do something he would regret.
“But I am yours. I am your wife and I want to stay that way forever. My heart belongs to only you, Roman,” Tears began spilling down her cheeks as she sat down upon their bed. He looked at her with tear-filled eyes of his own, wanting desperately to believe her heartfelt promise.
“Then why was his name the first name you said when you woke up? You could have asked for anyone, but you asked for him. I was there, waiting for you, praying for you. I was ready to forgive you, to forget about everything. I love you so much I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. But when you woke up, it wasn’t my name you called. You called him. Don’t try to tell me you don’t love him anymore. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at him. I don’t doubt your love for me or for our children, but I know that I do not have your whole heart anymore and if I can’t have it all I would rather have none,” His wounded words of defeat hurt more than the angry words of days before. She couldn’t stand to look into his eyes and see that raw pain. HOW COULD I HAVE DONE THIS TO HIM?
“I’m so sorry, Roman,” were the only words she could offer.
“I know you are, Marlena, but that doesn’t make the situation any better. Sorry just doesn’t cut it this time. Listen, I will stay here with you and the children. We can pretend to the world that we have a perfectly happy home, but I will sleep in the guestroom. I know stability is important for the children and I want to keep things as normal for them as possible.” He wasn’t sure how they could live in the same house, but he would do anything to help his children. He had hurt them enough, especially Eric. He had to begin to make things up to them.
“And you think sleeping in the guest bedroom is normal? I think they will realize something is wrong. We won’t be fooling anyone, Roman,” She answered sadly.
“Well, then I guess I will move in with Mom and Pop. You can stay here with the children. They need each other and their home.” Roman offered.
“No, Roman, Sami won’t ever come home if you’re not here. And she deserves to stay in her home. She needs this place more than any of the rest of us. I will leave. I will find an apartment someplace until we can work things out,” Her heart was still trying to salvage their marriage.
“I don’t think we are going to work things out this time, Marlena. Not this time.” He quietly exited the room, his shoulders bent with grief. As she hugged her arms tightly to her chest, Marlena wondered if she had ever felt this alone in her entire life. She thought not.
John stared down at the murky water before him, the mournful foghorn singing the dirge of his heart. He had come to this place, their place, to feel closer to her, to remember the times when she had loved him. As he let his tortured gaze scan his foggy surroundings, his mind flashed back to the night his life had been forever changed. Slowly, he meandered over to the staircase, his fingers tracing the banister that her hand had clasped that fateful evening. As his fingers stumbled over the familiar ground hungry for a chance to feel her presence again, he remembered seeing her slip out of the shadows the night that she returned home. He could feel the swell of love that had overcome him rising in his chest even now. As he searched his heart, he realized his love had not dimmed at all, apparently hers had. Her words back in the hospital room echoed through his head as he relived the horror of her choosing Roman over him once again. Their love had once been so strong, so undefeatable, but now she refused to even acknowledge its existence. As he sat there, he was transported back to the hospital room where only hours before she had lain. He remembered their playful banter during her examination. He had really thought then that there might be some hope for them, but just as quickly came the memory of her turning away as he tried to place a goodbye kiss on her brow. That memory stung, more deeply than if she had shot him.
Angrily, he wrung his hands out, imagining that it was Roman’s neck. That’s not fair, John thought. Roman was simply trying to save his family. The family you tried to destroy. That thought plagued him over and over, gnawing at the edges of his sanity. He would have never willingly hurt Marlena or her family, but by simply loving her he had done just that. He glanced down at his watch. Without even checking the time, he realized that Marlena had given him that watch. Angrily, he tore it off his wrist. Rage bubbled up from his soul as he peered down at another reminder of the love that just hadn’t been strong enough to make it. He balled up the watch in his hand and threw it into the water, watching as it sank into the murky depths. As the watch slowly disappeared into the waters, his hope of ever holding her in his arms again began to sink as well. If only he could toss his love aside so easily. He dropped his head into his hands and ran furious fingers through tangled hair. He couldn’t comprehend his anger. It was all-consuming, but he knew not at whom it was directed. At Roman, for stealing her heart and devotion, at Marlena for choosing Roman once again or at himself for ever allowing himself to believe that she loved him enough to share her life with him. The questions were just too painful to bear and just being here in this sacred place was killing him. He stood and began his ascent up the stairs. As he reached the top, he paused whispering a soft goodbye to this place and a silent goodbye to his one true love.
***
Marlena curled up on the bed, her mind a tangled mess of unexplainable emotions. She felt as if her entire being was slowly being erased from God’s palate of creation. She knew that Roman had taken her last shred of herself with him as he had slipped out the door. She grabbed a pillow, hugging it tightly to her chest, treasuring the soft scent of Roman’s aftershave that stubbornly clung to it. The scent made her heart quiver. She felt empty, as if someone had just come and scraped her entire insides clean and now she remained only a shell, forced to watch as those around her continued on in the bright sunny paths that had been created just for them. She silently wondered if there had ever really been a path chosen for her and if there were, how could she find her way back to it. Before the question had even finished echoing through her mind, a soft voice seemed to whisper her answer. At first, she ignored it, but its insistence grew stronger until she could no longer ignore it.
“JOHN!” It screamed. “John is the way to get back to where you belong.” Frustrated, Marlena shook her head vigorously. She refused to believe the voice. Roman was her future. As she heard the echoing thud of the front door slamming, her tears began anew. Sadly, she pulled her knees a little more closely to her chest, rocking back and forth like a child. The pain seemed deeper than she’d ever felt, almost tangible in its insistence. Unable to cope with the pain, she let her head fall to the pillow and squeezed her eyes shut, praying that God would help her find some peace within this turmoil.
***
John strolled along the dockside, not really knowing or even caring where he ended up. His mind was consumed with thoughts of Marlena. He couldn’t stop picturing the teary smile she had flashed him in the hospital room as Dr. Morgan had examined her. He couldn’t stop hearing the playful banter that had sparked renewed hope and trust in their love. Then, a new picture began to flash in his head. It interrupted the serenity of his dreams like an emergency broadcast bulletin. Roman was there, his eyes flashing with territorial protectiveness. Eric stood there watching helplessly from the doorway, his hazel eyes mirroring the pain that John felt. Hanging on every word spoken and every action made were Shawn, Caroline and Sami. Caroline’s face had been lined with unspoken worry for both of her sons and the woman that she considered her daughter, but she had not spoken a word. Shawn’s reaction mimicked that of his son’s as he prepared to defend his family from John’s blows. As if John would do any more to harm this broken family. And there in the bed lay the key player in this horrendous film. Marlena’s cheeks were painted with the pallor of exhaustion and her eyes glazed over with devastation and desperation as she furtively avoided his glare. As he repeated his question, her lips formed the words that would forever alter his future.
“Yes, John, that’s what I want. Please just go,” The words came out in slow motion, each word slowly tearing his heart in two once again. He closed his eyes, willing the pictures to fade out. He had no desire to read the closing credits where once again Roman won the beautiful heroine. He dropped to a bench lining the walkway and let his head fall backwards, his eyes casting a mournful glance toward heaven.
“Oh, dear God, how can I live without her? I can barely even draw my next breath without her,” His voice was full of whispered desperation as his prayer lifted to the heavens.
***
After several hours of trying to fall asleep, Marlena finally resigned herself to the thought that she may never sleep well in this bed without Roman’s body lying next to her own. Her head ached from the tears that had still not ceased their silent march down her ghostly cheeks. The air around her was still tinged with the soft scent of Roman’s cologne. The scent seemed to permeate her entire being, causing the ache within her soul to become ever deeper. Impulsively, she ran to the window and threw it open, inhaling deeply of the pleasant air that wafted inside. For a few moments, she didn’t feel so lonely. As she settled into a chair near the window, the night air began to chill her bones. She noticed the she still wore the dress that she’d worn home form the hospital. It hung loosely on her frame since she had never zipped it back up. It had been the last thing on her mind in the past few hours. Quickly, she changed clothes, wrapping herself in the familiar warmth of her favorite pair of sweats. The shirt was several sizes too big, allowing her just the added amount of room she needed to accommodate her expanding abdomen. Silently, she cuddled back in the chair, finding some measure of comfort in the familiarity of her favorite clothes. Lost in her temporal comfort, she didn’t hear the knock on the door. She gasped as she saw it slide open. Eric’s head peeked gingerly around the corner.
“Hi,” He whispered. Her heartbeat returned to normal as her surprise faded away. She offered him a smile full of motherly love and compassion. Maybe he was what she needed right now. “Can I come in?” His voice was shaky and somewhat hoarse, a good indicator that he too had spent the past few hours in tears. She nodded sweetly and jumped from the chair back to the bed, patting the spot beside her for him to sit. As soon as he sat down, she wrapped him in her arms, instinctively knowing that he needed to be near her right now. His body shook with silent sobs as he let his emotions spill out. Her heart broke knowing that her actions had created her son’s agony. After several long minutes of sobbing, he looked up at her, his hazel eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Is he gone for good?” He whispered. She hugged him a little more tightly, then looked deep into his eyes.
“No, I think he just probably couldn’t handle spending the night here with me here too.”
“I thought you guys had worked things out. What happened?” His statement was more of a plea than a question.
“I was foolish to think that he could forget what happened. I created a chasm in our marriage that could never be crossed,” She looked down at her stomach thoughtfully. “This child will always stand between us now.” Eric nodded sadly, hating to admit how much the thought of his family’s demise hurt him. He had thought he hated his father. Now he knew he was wrong.
“What happens now?”
“Well, I am going to pack all of my things tomorrow and move out. You and Sami will stay here with your dad.” Eric shook his head adamantly.
“NO!” He shouted. Then sadly, he added. “You can’t leave me here alone. I need you too much.” Marlena’s heart broke. She gathered him to her bosom again, whispering words of love that would dispel all fear and doubt. Eric glanced back up at her. “Where will you go?”
“I don’t know. A hotel room I guess until I can find something else. Eric, sweetie, I know that you want to be with me, but I really think Sami is going to need you with her right now. She’s so emotional. She needs you to be strong for her.”
“And who gets to be strong for me?” Eric shouted, pulling savagely from her grasp. “When it first came out and we talked about you leaving, I wanted to go to take care of you, but something happened at the hospital when I thought we were losing you. I can’t imagine my life without you. I need you so much. Please let me go with you,” His last sentence faded slowly out, his eyes once again filling with tears. Marlena looked up at him, suddenly not caring what Roman’s reaction might be.
“You can come with me. Of course, you can come with me, sweetie. Of course you can,” She pulled him to her once more, smoothing his tousled hair. She placed a motherly kiss upon the tangled mess and moved him back to arm’s length. “Now, I think you better try to get some rest. We are going to have a busy day tomorrow,” He nodded obediently and hugged her one last time.
“I love you, Mom,” He whispered.
“I love you too,” Marlena watched as he disappeared from the room. His speech had been one that she would have expected from John, so passionate. John, I wonder where you are tonight. She thought, staring out into the midnight sky.
***
John stood outside his loft, his mind filled with resolutions to which he had come in his walk. He had decided that he needed to leave Salem, as soon as possible. He could not stand by and watch as Marlena sacrificed her heart and soul for her marriage. He knew deep in his heart that she still loved him, but he also knew that she had chosen Roman over him. He had to accept that and move on. He knew that he couldn’t do that while still living in Salem. On his walk home, he had called the nanny and asked her to pack as many of Brady’s things as she could. He also arranged for his plane to be ready before dawn. He would wake tomorrow in a new place, with Salem only a painful memory in his checkered past.
As he reached out to open the door, he knew he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to her, without explaining his motivations. She would try to persuade him to stay, for the child of course, but he was resolute. He had to begin again and this fearsome task could never be accomplished so near to his precious Marlena. He dreaded the thought of not experiencing the most important years of his baby’s life but he knew that Roman would never allow him the active position he wanted to take in the child’s life. He could never watch passively, so he just wouldn’t watch at all. Silently he began his walk to say goodbye and to wish Roman all the best. No one could stand in the way of the reparations to their marriage now.
***
Marlena looked around the room, littered with mementos of hers and Roman’s life together. Now that life was over. She shivered at the thought of it. The walls decorated with pictures of them and their family and with paintings that they had purchased together suddenly began to close in on her as she realized the finality of the choices that had been made that evening. She struggled to find her breath as fear overwhelmed her. Quickly, she rushed out of the room, desperate to avoid the suffocation that waited within those four walls. Quietly, she tiptoed down the stairs, deciding a breath of fresh air would still the sorrows in her soul. She grabbed her coat from the coat closet and silently slipped outside. She snuggled deep within the warmth of her coat as she strolled around the house. She surveyed the rose garden on the side of the house. She remembered when they had planted that. They had had such happy times together, times filled with laughter and joy, when had the laughter ended? She snuggled more deeply into the coat praying that it would ward off the chill lying within her soul, but knowing that no coat could ever protect her from that.
As she looked around the yard again, she caught glimpse of the children’s swingset. She remembered how long and hard she and John had labored over the choice of that particular one. Then they had spent an endless Saturday installing it for the twins and Carrie. She remembered sitting on the swing and soaring as John launched her further and further toward the sky. Under his care, she had always felt she could fly. With those special memories of the times that she and John had spent as husband and wife came the inevitable guilt. Guilt over their affair, guilt over their former life together, or perhaps even greater guilt over the love that they shared that could not be denied and could not be tucked away beneath her love for Roman. No matter how hard she had tried she could never completely banish that love. Maybe if she had been stronger, she would have been able to fight off the desires that accompanied. Maybe?
As she stood once again fighting the winless battle of guilt, she shook her head, refusing to play the game this time. What she had done was in the past and even though part of her knew it was wrong, part of her would never surrender those special times with John no matter how hard she had to fight. That part of her welcomed Roman’s absence as a way to bring about John’s permanent presence in her life again. John had never asked her to be anything more than she was. In the past few years, Roman seemed to do little else. She stared blankly into the darkness, the pale red glimmer of a rose shimmering in the moonlight catching her eye. No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t ignore Roman either, or the devastation that her actions had brought to him. She whirled around, the guilt once again eating her soul. In the darkness, she thought she saw a figure hovering near the front door. He looked almost like an apparition in the moonlight. No it couldn’t be. He wouldn’t dare come here now, she thought as her body was inexplicably drawn to the figure.
***
John walked up to the house. No lights were on. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea after all. Who knows what he could be interrupting? He turned around, deciding against saying goodbye. He’d call her from his new home in the morning. As he turned around, his foot caught on a branch lying across the sidewalk. He nearly tumbled to the ground. As he regained his balance, he looked up to see Marlena standing beside him. Her tears glistened in the moonlight. In that instant, he wondered how he ever thought he could leave her behind. She reached out to him, gently steadying him with her trembling hand. His body started at her touch.
“John, are you okay?” He nodded blankly. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“I came to say goodbye. Brady and I are going to be leaving Salem,” The idea sounded much less glamorous than it had hours before.
“You can’t leave. What about the baby? It needs a father,” Her eyes pleaded with him to stay, for more than just their child.
“Roman will never let me have the active role I want to take with that baby and I won’t take anything less. Besides, my presence would only cause greater stress to your marriage. I only want you to be happy, Doc.” There he went again offering her that unconditional love! Her heart melted at his words.
“He’s gone, John. It’s over,” She dropped her head sadly, refusing to meet his gaze.
“I thought you guys agreed to work things out. What happened?”
“Too much. Not enough. I just don’t know. All’s I know is that he’s gone and if you leave too, I will die. I don’t want you to stay for our baby. I want you to stay for me. I need you,” She whispered through clenched teeth. She fought desperately to keep the tears at bay. She didn’t understand the emotions raging within her soul. One part of her desperately needed John’s arms around her, to know that he would always remain the anchor during the storms of her life. While the other part of her wanted to banish him from her life. He had caused the dissension of her marriage. Or had he? She just didn’t know. Seeing her confusion, John gently took her chin in his hand. Her body jolted from the electricity of his touch. She wasn’t sure whether to be angry at her body’s response or delight in it. He lifted her chin up until her eyes met his own.
“But you said at the hospital. I mean, you asked me to leave . . . You said you wanted me to go,” Seeing the depths of his love riding so clearly in his oceanic eyes, her heart fluttered. Her lips quivered as she bore her soul to him for the first time in ages. She didn’t know what her future held, but she knew it was time for the lies to end.
“I lied,” Her voice was barely more than a whisper. John’s heart soared. Her eyes sparkled with both desperation and delight as she whispered the next sentences. “I need you. Will you please just hold me? I need to feel you close to me,” He obeyed willingly, gathering her with utmost tenderness into his arms. Her breath caught in her chest as his strong arms enveloped her in unconditional love. Long unexplored caverns of her soul awakened at his touch, incomparable passions sending waves of heat throughout her entire body. She felt as if her emotions were racing along a rollercoaster at breakneck speed leaving her dangling dangerously close to careening off of the track.
“Oh, Doc, I love you so much,” He breathed in the pleasant aroma of her as he rested his head atop hers. Just the scent of her was enough to launch him to an ecstasy unimagined by mortal men. As his whispered words of love hung heavy in the air, he did not wait for an answer. She always answered his cries of love with her calls of duty. As expected, she began to shake her head in apparent denial. However, John did not realize that that shake of her head did not mean that she didn’t love him. It meant she was afraid to let herself love him. She let out a choked sob, bringing her hand to cover her face. Gently, he took her hand down and whispered his statement again. “I love you Marlena Evans. Wholeheartedly and unabashedly and I will love you until the day that I die. I want nothing in return. I just want you to know that even if you feel the rest of the world hates you, I don’t. I love you,” Marlena could no longer deny the emotions that his words stirred, could no longer hide her own feelings beneath her responsibilities. She glanced up at him, her eyes shimmering with tears and uttered the words of her heart. He began to shake as he heard her speak, his entire being craving to be one with his soulmate.
“I love you too,” She choked. He could stand no more. He drew her body closer to his own, needing to be right with her. As the passion coursed though him, he pulled back to look into her eyes. She wanted him. He knew that much, could feel it with every fiber of his being. Her eyes were even glazed with desire for him, yet underneath it all lay an uncertainty that he was really afraid to bridge. Yet, he knew he could not further his advances without ensuring her certainty. He refused to be a substitute for Roman. Either she wanted John Black or she wanted no one.
“Doc, I need to be with you. Do you want this? I mean do you want ME? Not Roman, me?” She looked up at him with eyes full of uncertainty and confusion and . . .
John stared deeply into Marlena’s eyes, awaiting her flinch, her subtle way to tell him that her heart could never belong to only him. Her eyes did not move. She slowly linked her hand with his, gliding her slender fingers between his. He could have sworn that her eyes were glowing as she peered past his eyes and into his soul. Without a word, she welcomed him into her heart, to take residence and abide forever. He knew what her eyes were saying yet he still needed to hear the words. He had to feel the warm tingle of love sweep over him as she whispered those words that would bring healing to his soul. With his eyes steadily locked in a gaze of unspeakable ecstasy with his soulmate, he knew he would have to ask for them.
“Doc, please, say it. I need to hear you say it,” A tear slithered down her cheek, falling gracefully to the ground beneath them, the ground that he wasn’t quite sure they were still standing on. Nervously, she chewed on her lower lip, knowing that with one look in his eyes, she had surrendered her heart and all the while fearing the repercussions that that would bring. Suddenly, Roman’s image flashed before her eyes. She could see him before her, standing heartbroken as he’d spurned her advances. She’d broken his heart by loving John. What would this do to him? She closed her eyes, refusing to see Roman this time, refusing to allow her guilt to defeat her love, to defeat her entire being. With a choked sob, she threw a desperate glance up at John.
“I love you, John,” she choked. Her words were muffled behind the sobs, but John could hear her heart speaking to his own. “I need you to make love to me. I need you, John. I want you, not Roman, only you.” John needed no further encouragement. He effortlessly lifted her into his arms and carried her inside of the house. Silently, they repeated the march that they had so often done together. As was routine, Marlena buried her head in his neck, placing soft tender kisses upon his chest. John felt his entire being surge with passion as her lips caressed his hot flesh. As they entered the bedroom that had once been theirs, his resolve vanished. He hastily closed the door, locking it with one hand as he stood Marlena on her feet. She moved to undress herself, but John stayed her with a glance, slowly shaking his head no.
John wrapped his arm around Marlena, slowly bringing her body close against his own. With his hand around her neck, he pulled her into a lingering kiss that would last forever in their hearts. No longer could anything stand in their way, for tonight they would become one. Tonight, their love would conquer all. With her body pressed closely to his, he began to hum a tune. She began to sway with him as her heart quickly picked up the melody of his. They glided around the room, dancing in time to the rhythm of their souls, never once taking time to notice the world spinning around them. Tonight there was no world besides them. As the final notes of their song faded into the distance, the dance ended. Slowly, John pulled back. This time she would have to make the first move. As his hands left her body, she felt an instant chill surround her being. She could not take another second without his arms around her.
She reached up, tracing the outline of his lips with her index finger. Within a moment, her lips had replaced her finger, her tongue hungrily delving into the treasures held within his mouth. Her hands roamed freely about his body, relishing the feel of his body beside hers. Quickly, her hands dove into his jeans, pulling out the shirt that had been tucked inside. One button at a time, she removed the garment from his back, enjoying the excitement that she could feel racing among the taut muscles of his chest. As she finally reached the last button, she tossed the shirt aside thoughtlessly, her hands exploring the muscles that rippled with her every move. John’s desire grew deeper with each passing second. She continued her exploration of his chest, enjoying the tension that she was creating. With playful eyes, she glanced up at him. Her fingers deftly unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down his legs. Hastily, he stepped out of them. He slowly reached for her, divesting her of the large sweatshirt that hid her figure. He tossed it to the floor. In seconds, her sweatpants had joined the other clothes hastily discarded upon the floor.
As Roman’s eyes had inexplicably been drawn to her abdomen, so were John’s. He, however, found the sight of her thrilling. He dropped to his knees before her, his hand tenderly cupping the slight swell, his eyes and hands worshipping the mother of his unborn child. He leaned in closely and whispered to the child within. Marlena smiled at his tender words.
“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be,” The words that he’d read in the book that Isabella had bought for Brady had never sounded more appropriate. “I love you, sweet child.” A tear rolled down Marlena’s cheek, landing upon his outstretched hand. He glanced up at her with tears in his own eyes. Slowly, he stood, brushing the tears from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “And I love you, sweet Marlena. And never again shall you cry tears of sadness for me, only joy and happiness.” He lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed. “Tonight, you’re mine. Tonight and forever.”
***************
Marlena’s eyes fluttered open as a gentle breeze whispered across her body. She glanced up to find the curtains blowing lazily as the chilly morning air danced through the window she had neglected to close the night before. John seemed to sense her coldness and snuggled a little more closely to her. She smiled. John peeked over her shoulder, placing a tender kiss upon her milky white shoulder. She rested back against his body, finally feeling as if she had come home.
“You’re still here,” He whispered, shocked that he had woken with her by his side. She always seemed to regret her decisions in the morning light.
“Where else would I be?” She answered, tucking his arms tightly around her. He rested his nose in her hair, inhaling deeply of the sweet smelling savor of her shampoo. He hadn’t felt so right in years. She hadn’t either. Slowly, she turned in his arms, her smile warming his slightly chilled skin. “I’ve come home.” He looked up at her, slightly puzzled. “I haven’t been home, really at home since that plane crash years ago. Now, here in our bedroom, with your arms around me, I finally feel like I’ve come home.” John’s heart fluttered with unspeakable love.
“Oh, Doc, me too, me too,” He let his head fall to her stomach, his ear cradled to the resting-place of his unborn child. For many long minutes, they simply basked in the glory of their love. After awhile, Marlena’s eyes slowly began to close. She was finally able to sleep again in his arms. John sat up suddenly, his blue eyes shimmering with excitement. Her eyes flew back open with surprise. “What will we name the baby?” His question threw her for a loop.
“I don’t know, John. We have awhile to decide.” She chuckled at his enthusiasm.
“No, I want to decide now. Our child is such a precious angel I want it to have the most beautiful name ever,” Marlena giggled like a schoolgirl as he ran a languid finger across her chin. He seemed to be pondering the entire world. She had never seen him quite like this. “What’s your middle name, Marlena?”
“What?” She laughed.
“What’s your middle name? I want our child to have a piece of us both. It will have my last name, won’t it?”
“Of course, it will,” She slowly whispered.
“So, you still didn’t tell me your middle name. Maybe we can give our child that piece of you.” She glanced up at him, her cheeks glowing with embarrassment.
“I don’t have one.” John laughed at the innocent mask of embarrassment creeping over her features.
“Everybody has a middle name,” He taunted.
“So, what’s yours, Forrest?” She threw back, laughing at her own genius.
“Touché. Okay, then, what would you like to name our child?” She stared up at him, thoughtfully considering the name that would be more than a name, the name that would be a precious gift to their child.
“Bella, after the angel Isabella who gave you back to me,” John smiled.
“Bella, I like that. And if it’s a boy?” His eyes glistened slightly as tears threatened to spill over his lashes.
“Forrest!” She laughed as she jumped from the bed. He leaped up to catch her. As his hands reached for her, she danced playfully from his grasp. He chased her around he room until she no longer had a place to go. “Please, John don’t,” She laughed as he swept her into his arms and carried her to the bed. She collapsed in a fit of laughter as he mercilessly tickled her. He didn’t hold the advantage for long though as she began to tickle him in return. After what seemed like of hours, they both collapsed exhausted into one another’s arms. “I love you, John,” She whispered just before she drifted back to sleep.
“I love you, too, Doc,” He whispered as he ran his hand down her slender arm. “I love you more than anything, baby.”
*********
Marlena blinked at the intensity of the sun. Something about this place was vaguely familiar. Rolling hills of green, surrounded by sunlight at every turn. She had been here before, sometime. Over the rolling hills, she could hear John’s voice. He was laughing happily. She raced over the hills to find him. She found him surrounded by two angelic children. A little boy who was the mirror image of John danced out of his father’s reach, laughing that John couldn’t catch him. A little girl whose golden hair shimmered like fine crystal in the sunshine spun lazily around them both. Her laughter rang out over the hills, bringing unspeakable warmth to Marlena’s soul. She wanted to be with them. She ran towards them, calling out to John as she ran. He didn’t seem to hear her.
She ran harder, faster, but they seemed to slip further and further away. She screamed desperately as the sunshine was replaced by an ominous darkness. John whisked the children down the final hill. As she raced over it, she saw no one. He was gone. Her heart seemed to tear in two.
“John, come back. JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!” She screamed as she collapsed to the ground. She pressed her head between her hands and rocked back and forth. “NO! Not again. NO!!!!!!!” Everything went black.
***********
Marlena sat up with a start. She’d had a nightmare. Remembering the comfort that she’d found in John’s arms, she leaned back, certain that his love would calm her fears. His arms did not catch her. Desperately, she searched the room for John, but found only the clothes that Roman had abandoned the night before. She looked down at herself to find she was still dressed in her sweatsuit. She scanned the room for some remnant of John’s presence, but found nothing. She fought back the tears that threatened to choke the life out of her. Quickly, the battle was unsuccessful and she surrendered. Her tears rolled down the flag of her resolve as her flag of sorrow flew high.
“No,” she cried. “It was all just a dream.” She whispered as she ran her finger across her lips, missing the warmth that his lips had brought to her. “Just a dream.” Her voice echoed sadly across the purple confusion and morning mists. “Just a dream . . .”
Eric lay on his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Anger rolled deep in the pit of his stomach as he caught a glimpse of a family portrait glaring at him from across the room. The happy faces seemed to mock him as yet another tear slid down his cheek. He could barely remember a time when they had been this happy, but their family finally seemed to be working together and functioning seminormally and now, well, now they were back to square one. This tore at Eric’s heart, hurting him more deeply than he had thought possible. He loved Roman, of that he was sure, but he had always felt more connected to John, as if John were really his father and Roman were the imposter. Eric had always resented Roman’s sudden appearance in his life. Roman’s insistence on creating the perfect family had always seemed strange to Eric. He had had the perfect family, until Roman showed up that is. He had vowed to himself never to forgive or accept Roman, but now as he lay here, he realized that he too had begun to buy into the lie. He too had somehow needed to have the perfect family, no matter how this task was achieved and who were its supporting players. Now, faced with the loss of this dream and the loss of his father forever, Eric felt heartache he could not comprehend, heartache he had never expected.
He stalked across the room and snatched the haunting picture from its place of torture. He held it tightly between his fingers. He stared intently at it, gripping more and more tightly to it, as if by holding on to the picture he could hold on to the family he had grown to love. But as his grip became white-knuckled, he began to realize that nothing could bring back his family. It had been shattered forever. He didn’t know whose fault it was or even if there were truly anyone to blame. He only knew that it was gone and all the wishing in the world could not bring it back. He held the picture tightly to his chest, letting the happy memories that they had shared with each other wash over him. As silent tears trickled down his cheeks, he could hear the sobs of his mother from across the hall. Each sob tore at the remainder of his composure, making feel like a failure for being incapable to comfort her and soothe her fears.
“Oh, God, how am I going to be the person that everyone needs me to be?” He whispered to the heavens, praying for some bolt of lightening to flash across the early morning darkness or for an angel to appear and impart some words of knowledge and wisdom upon his troubled soul. He waited patiently, but nothing came. Nothing. It seemed as if God had turned a deaf ear upon his cries. “What do I do now?” He demanded from the heavens, his anger brimming near the surface once again. The ringing phone interrupted his silent tirade against God. He coughed to clear the unshed tears from his throat and then nearly barked a salutation into the phone.
“Eric, is that you?” Eric sighed a breath of relief as he heard John’s voice on the other end. He would prefer to talk to John than any other person who might be calling to offer comfort or support or to just generally stick their noses in where they didn’t belong. John sounded exhausted too.
“Yeah, John, it’s me. Why are you calling? Weren’t you worried that Roman would answer?” Eric felt too tired to be too friendly even to his former father.
“Yes, but I needed to tell you and your mother goodbye. Brady and I are going away. It’s just better this way,” Eric’s eyes widened in disbelief.
“Going away? How can you go away? My mother is pregnant with your child!” Eric’s voice was laced with bitterness. He had spent too many years standing by helplessly watching as his mother got hurt by the men that she loved.
“I know that, Eric, but I can’t stand by and watch the woman that I love live happily ever after with another man. I couldn’t stand to watch another man raise my child, and you know better than anyone that your father would never allow me that access that I want and need to my child. He would never let me be involved the way that I want to be in my child’s life,” John’s voice broke as he uttered his passionate explanation. Eric pondered whether or not his mother would want him to tell John that Roman was gone. She had seemed so resolute at the hospital when she told John to leave her. Would she even want his help? Eric thought for a moment and decided that it didn’t matter what she wanted. She needed John. More than the air that she breathed she needed him and Eric would do his best to bring John back into their lives permanently.
“Dad’s gone, John,” His voice could barely be heard.
“Wh . . . Wha . . . What?” John stuttered. He couldn’t believe his ears.
“They had a disagreement last night and Dad left. They’re getting a divorce,” John sat, stunned by the news his son had just shared with him.
“But I thought that they had decided to work things out?” John asked disbelievingly, still bewildered by the sudden change in things.
“They did, but Dad just couldn’t accept the baby. So he left,” Eric angrily brushed at
another wayward tear trickling down his cheek.
“How is your mom?” John’s concern for Marlena immediately buried his plan to leave Salem behind him forever. He could never leave her alone, never.
“She wasn’t doing well last night. I haven’t seen her yet this morning, but I have heard her crying. My guess is she is still pretty torn up.”
“And you, Eric, how are you doing?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m always fine,” Eric tried to force a cheerfulness into his voice that he didn’t feel.
“Eric, I didn’t ask how you’ll be. I asked how you are. You know you can talk to me. Please don’t shut me out. I can’t stand to see you hurting like this,” John felt a barrage of tears forming in his eyes, just waiting to swim over the dam his eyelids had formed.
“Eric, talk to me, please.”
“I’m so scared, John. Mom and I are moving out, but we don’t have any place to go. She can’t even think for herself right now. I don’t know how to take care of her and once the baby is here how are we going to make it on our own. I know that she is strong enough and independent enough to make it on her own, but she doesn’t seem to have the will to even try. How do I help her, John? How?” Eric broke down. His words tumbled over one another, but John understood every word. John always understood.
“Don’t you worry about taking care of your mom and the baby. That’s my job. I wouldn’t leave you guys on your own for anything. I’ll help you out every step of the way. Have you eaten yet?” John knew he needed to be with his son and former wife right now.
“No, why?”
“Well, don’t eat. I’ll get some groceries and make breakfast for you and your mom. Okay?”
“John, you don’t have to do that, really,” Eric desperately needed John to be there with him, but he simply could not ask for help. That showed vulnerability, something Roman had taught him to bury. Eric needed to be strong for everyone else, which left him no time or opportunity to be comforted by anyone else. But John had a way of offering comfort and strength without saying a word. He allowed Eric to be vulnerable without humiliating him.
“I know that, partner, and that’s why I want to do it. I’ll be over in a little while. Why don’t you try to get some rest? I’m going to take care of everything.”
“Okay, John. Thanks,” Eric quietly spoke, his true gratification unable to show itself over the phone.
“Goodbye,” John immediately jumped up and began to set his breakfast plans into motion. Last night, he’d felt his world come crashing down as Marlena chose Roman once again, but now Roman was out of the picture. Marlena might not be ready to give her love to John freely just yet, but she needed him. She needed him to help her pick up the pieces of her broken life, and nothing or no one would prevent him from being there for her. No one. He grabbed the phone and began making calls. He had a lot of things to do before breakfast.
*****
Marlena awoke groggily, the sunlight dancing across her bed with a wicked vengeance. She groaned as she pulled a pillow over her face to shield her eyes from the dawn of another day. Her eyes ached from the hours she had spent crying. Such brightness only served to worsen her pain. She inhaled deeply and fought to find the courage to face the new day before her. As she inhaled, she caught the faint scent of Roman’s aftershave upon the pillow. A silent tear burned its way down her cheek. She angrily tossed the pillow across the room. Remembering things like that hurt more than she could have imagined. How could she ever go on with her life when such little things evoked so much pain? She slowly sat up, the awkward bulge of her growing abdomen causing some difficulty in rising. She smiled in spite of the situation. When everything was said and done she would have a child, a child conceived in love. She would have to go on, if only for her children. She ran her hand across her stomach, softly whispering words of love to her unborn child.
“My sweet one, your mommy and daddy will always love you and will always be here for you. Your life may not be easy, but that one thing will never change. You were conceived in love, even if it was wrong to love one another, we still did love more than even Stefano could destroy and you will always be loved, always,” The memory of the dream she’d had earlier danced through her mind. John’s passionate kisses, his tender embrace, his loving care as he too had spoken to their unborn child. Her heart ached knowing she could never share those things with John again, but it also ached knowing that she would not share them with Roman either. She would share them with no one. For the rest of her days, she would be alone. Further punishment would not be sent from the heavens. Eternal loneliness was more than enough. Pondering her future scared her and she refused to surrender to her fears. She took a deep breath and whispered one last sentence of encouragement to her child before she began the new day. “But I will never be alone as long as I have you. You shall always remind me of the love I once had, of the love I threw away. Each time I look into your eyes I will be reminded of your father’s love and I shall go on. I must,” She quickly shed her clothes and headed to the bathroom for a long warm shower.
The warmth dispersed any fears that surfaced and gave Marlena hope that someday her world would be right again. She closed her eyes and let the warm water wash over her. Slowly, she ran her fingers over her hair, letting them rest at her neck. Life would go on. As she stood there basking in the comfort the water provided, she began to shiver. The water had begun to turn cold and sent chilling icicles from the shower head. Each drop of water pricked her skin, awakening her to the realities before her. Even the things that offered comfort did not last. She turned off the faucet, letting her hand linger upon the knob. The lessons to be learned were not lost upon her. Hastily, she grabbed a towel and began drying herself. Standing there avoiding the world would do no good at all. Too many things had to be done this day to dawdle. She took her comb from the drawer and began combing through her tangled hair as she opened the bathroom door. She walked to her closet and let the towel slip to the floor. She was oblivious to the visitor who stood watching her at the doorway.
John had finished breakfast in record time and had come upstairs to inform Eric that it was waiting for him downstairs. He had made a tray for Marlena and nearly dropped it as he opened the door. He knew he could not exit without her realizing he had been there, so he cleared his throat to make his presence known. Marlena whirled around, her eyes widening in embarrassment as she realized that John was watching her. She snatched her robe from the closet and pulled it around her with record speed.
“Doc, I’m sorry. I didn’t know . . .” His eyes showed no sign of remorse. In fact, they seemed to be shining with delight. He hadn’t even made an effort to turn around. A true gentleman would have at least tried to salvage a lady’s honor. However, it wasn’t as if John had never seen her before. Oh, it didn’t matter anymore. It just didn’t matter.
“What are you doing here?” She spat, her eyes still wide with disbelief.
“I spoke with Eric earlier and he told me what happened. I knew you’d need me, that you both would need me,” He sat the tray down upon the bed and headed towards her. She backed away, uncertain of her reasons for pushing him away from her.
“Did Eric call you?” She avoided the issue of needing him. In spite of herself, she knew she did need him and he would see through any denial she would offer him. He always saw through her lies, or at least he had until last night. How could he not have seen that sending him away from her was the last thing she wanted to do? She’d simply had no choice. She’d had to try everything possible to save her family, even if it meant denying her very soul.
“No, I called here, to tell you that I was leaving. I had decided to take Brady away. I couldn’t watch you live happily ever after with Roman and our child. I knew he wouldn’t let me be involved in the baby’s life so I decided to leave Salem,” His eyes filled with tears at the thought of never seeing her again.
“You’d just leave me to raise our child?” She turned her back on him, unwilling to allow him to see the tears rolling down her cheeks. He gently lay a hand on her shoulder. She drew back as if she’d been touched by a hot poker.
“Do you think it was an easy decision, Doc?” He demanded, his voice trembling with the agony his words brought. “It wasn’t, but I couldn’t watch you with him any longer. Things have changed now. I couldn’t bear the thought of watching the two of you so happy together. I had always only wanted your happiness, but your happiness was costing me my soul, so I had to leave. There really wasn’t any other choice. Here, I would be no good to anyone, especially Brady, but away I could be better, or at least that’s what I had convinced myself,”
“And me, did you ever stop to think about how I might feel?”She shot accusingly as she turned to face him. The raw pain in her eyes frightened him.
“You told me in the hospital to leave. You said you wanted Roman. I didn’t figure it would matter much to you if I left. You had him. Why would you need me?”
“Because you’re the father of my children . . . I mean, child,” She stuttered. She mentally scolded herself. She had to stop or John would realize the depth of her feelings for him and right now he was the last thing she needed. Roman would never forgive her if John were relentlessly pursuing her. “The children need you. Eric and Sami need you and this baby is going to need you. Did you really think that I would deny you the right to see your child? Do you think I am heartless?”
“Before last night, I would have had a quick answer to that question. You have always been the most caring person I know. But maybe I have never really known you, because the Marlena I know could never have sent me away with such ease. She loved me far too much for that,” John’s words stung Marlena. She slowly slid to the floor, sobbing each inch of the way. “I came here to help you, but apparently you don’t want my help. I’m not Roman so I’m not good enough. I’ll be leaving now,” He turned to go. Marlena’s soul screamed in horror as she watched him exit.
“That’s not true,” she whispered. John stopped. Slowly, he turned around.
“What did you say?” He prodded.
“That’s not true. I never said you weren’t good enough. I never compared you to Roman. I love you, loved you both for very different reasons,” She angrily swiped at a tear and bit her lip fiercely to prevent any more tears from falling. ” John, please don’t go. Don’t leave like this,” She sobbed. “I can’t take anymore.” He moved to her side and enveloped her in his arms.
“I’m sorry, Doc. I shouldn’t have said those things,” He smoothed a strand of wet hair from her face.
“There are many things that we both should have never said,” She whispered. “I’m sorry too, John. Please don’t leave Salem. I can’t raise our child alone.” Her lower lip trembled as she spoke.
“I would never leave you alone, Doc, never. Of course, I will stay here. I’m sorry that we fought. I didn’t come here to argue with you. I came to offer my help. I’ve found a place for you and Eric to stay,” He smiled at her, wiping a tear from her cheek.
“What?” She drew back. How would Roman ever take her back if he knew she’d allowed John to pick her temporary place of residence? “I can find my own place. Thank you.”
“I know you could find your own place, but I really didn’t have to go to much trouble to find this place. I want you to stay at the loft,” He smiled again. She couldn’t believe her ears.
“John, what are you thinking? I can’t move in with you in the loft,” She shouted as she stood and marched across the room.
“I never said you’d be moving in with me and it would only be temporary until your penthouse was finished.”
“Penthouse? John, I can’t afford a penthouse.”
“I know that, but I can and it’s my responsibility as the father of your child to make sure you and the baby have a nice place to live. And I own the building anyhow. I was going to have all the penthouses renovated into office space for the Toscano Foundation, but I just never found the time. Now I know, God was just stalling me so that I could give you and the baby a nice home. I’ve already started remodeling it. It should only take a few days and until then, you and Eric can stay at the loft. I have some business to take care of in Italy in regards to the company. I have just been putting it off. Now I can do it and you can take advantage of my place while I’m gone,” His plan seemed foolproof to him. He’d thought of everything. How could she turn him down?
“John, I just can’t stay at your apartment. How would it look?”
“Marlena, does it really matter what other people think? They already think that both of us are the ultimate sinners anyway. You’ve been branded with a scarlet letter and I have been outcast. What difference does a little more make? You and I know will know the truth and Eric will too. Please, let me do this for you,” He gingerly stepped toward her and pulled her into a tender embrace. She resisted at first, but quickly surrendered to the comfort she found there. Suddenly, she looked up at him, her eyes clouded with unshed tears.
“How can you do this for me after how I hurt you last night? How I’ve always hurt you?” She pulled away from him and slowly crossed the room.
“Because I love you, Doc. I will always love you,” He whispered. The words hung heavy in the air, lacing the room with tension.
“Well, maybe you should stop loving me. I am sure it would hurt less,” She turned to face him, offering what she thought would be a simple solution.
“If I stopped loving you, I’d stop living,” His eyes filled with tears as he reached out to her, knowing that only she could truly understand the way that he felt. She only nodded blankly, avoiding his touch. “Don’t tell me that you don’t feel the same way. I see it in your eyes. You love me too and someday you will give that love to me again. Until then, I will wait patiently. I will be your best friend, your shoulder to lean on. I will walk beside each step of this pregnancy and after the baby is born I will do my best to be the best father on Earth. And then someday, I will be your husband again.” His passionate speech frightened her.
“That will never happen, John. I’m sorry, but it will never happen,” She whirled around, hiding her tears from him again. “Now, if you’ll please excuse me I need to get dressed. I’d like to eat breakfast downstairs with my son.” John’s heart ached at her coldness. It seemed as if her very heart had been removed when Roman left. Silently he exited the room, taking the tray of breakfast food with him. He closed the door behind him and paused momentarily to lean against it. Marlena ran to the door, tears flowing down her cheeks. “I didn’t mean those words, John. I just can’t hurt you anymore. It isn’t fair. I love you. I will always love you,” She whispered as she let her head rest against the door.
“Always.”
Roman Brady stalked the pier like a man possessed. His soul burned with anger, anger that only intensified with each step that he took. His sister watched from the stairs, waiting for him to cool down before approaching him. After a minute of observing the black cloud surrounding him grow only larger, she determined that he might not calm down soon. She decided to venture in and try to bring some comfort to him, if possible.
Gingerly, she approached him, quietly speaking his name. He turned around, his face suddenly an expressionless mask. She knew that he was hiding his vulnerability from her, but she refused to let it slide so easily.
“Roman, why don’t we sit down?” She gently took his arm and led him to a nearby bench. He still remained silent. “You want to talk, big brother?” She prayed he would open up to her.
“Not really, Kim. I’d rather not discuss it with you,” His stoic expression stunned her. He was better at this than she remembered.
“It being what, Roman? What don’t you want to discuss?” Roman had lived with a psychiatrist far too long not to recognize when he was being psychoanalyzed.
“Well, the weather, Kim. It’s such a gloomy day and it looks like it might storm any minute. I was married to a psychiatrist for a long time, little sister. Your tricks aren’t going to work on me,” Roman snapped back.
“You WERE married? You can’t honestly believe that things are over between the two of you, can you?” He turned his head to avoid looking her in the eyes. She could read him like a book, but this time he simply wasn’t going to allow her to open the cover an inch.
“You still love each other so much. What happened back at the house last night? You
were both so determined to try to work things out. What went wrong?” His shoulders slumped a little. Kim knew she was getting to him, that he would soon share his pain with her.
“Kim, please, can we not talk about this?” He turned to face her. The pain swimming in his eyes nearly broke her heart.
“Not talking about it won’t make it go away, Roman. You need to get your anger and pain out. I am better able to handle it than anyone else. I’ve been on the wrong side of both your anger and pain more than once, you know,” She smiled weakly. Roman caved. A single tear slid down his cheek as he stared out over the river. Boats sailed in and out of the port. Some would return with many great adventures to tell. Some would never return, but never would the same exact boats be in this pier again. Roman knew that like this pier nothing in his life would ever be the same. For better or for worse, he had embarked on a brand new journey when he’d walked out of the house the previous evening. And on this journey, he would be alone. That thought hurt more than he could explain to Kim. How did a man explain what it felt like to realize that his wife loved another man more than she loved him? How did a man explain what it felt like to have his hopes and dreams smashed in one fell swoop by the words of the most precious person in his life? It felt like someone had reached inside his soul and tore away the most important part of who he was. He felt as if he no longer knew how to be Roman without Marlena by his side. “Roman, tell me what you’re thinking. I want to help you,” Kim whispered. Roman let his gaze fall back to his sister.
“She loves him more than me,” He whispered. Instantly, his gaze fell to the ground. He couldn’t stand the inevitable look of pity that would express itself so plainly on Kim’s face. Kim’s heart raced. How could she deny to her brother what she herself believed to be true? Marlena did love John more. She risked her very being to be with him. She would never have done that had she not loved John more.
“She loves you both differently,” Kim offered, knowing that evading his question was not lying to him.
“She loves him more, Kim. You know that and so do I. If you didn’t know that, you would have denied it,” He spat.
“I don’t know that. I don’t know how Marlena feels and neither do you. We can both have our opinions about how she feels, but they could be totally wrong. Only Marlena knows how she feels. And honestly, I don’t think even she knows what her true feelings are.” Kim took Roman’s hand in her own. Her heart broke for him. She’d give anything to take away his pain, but she could not. Not now, not ever. “Roman, honey, what happened last night to make you want to leave?” He sat silent for a moment, contemplating sharing everything with her. After a moment’s contemplation, he looked deep into her eyes, his gaze pleading with her to make the words that he was going to share hurt him less.
“We came home and I told her I was moving into the guest bedroom. She couldn’t believe that I was going. She wasn’t happy, but was willing to deal with it for the children’s sake. I went upstairs to move my things and I had moved some. When I came back in our bedroom, she was there. She got weak and I caught her and suddenly all the old feelings were back, not that they’d ever gone, but I couldn’t stand another minute without her. She wanted me too. She told me she needed me. We began to make love. I told her how much I loved her but then I saw her stomach, already showing the signs of her pregnancy. A pregnancy I had looked forward to with great anticipation when I thought it was my child. But as I stared at her stomach, I realized that the child growing in there was not mine no matter how much I wanted it to be and it never could be mine. All’s I could see was her and John making love, creating that child together. She pleaded with me not to stop, but it was too late. I could never make love to her knowing that she loved John enough to have an affair with him. She told me she was sorry, but sorry just wasn’t enough, not this time. I told her that I’d stay in the house with her and the kids, but we’d never be together again. She told me staying in the same house but remaining separate for the children would only hurt them more so I told her that I’d leave. She told me that Sami would never come home without me at the house. She said it’d be best for her to leave because Sami needed the house and me. She said she’d get her things out as soon as possible. I was going to stay there last night, but I just couldn’t. I came to Mom and Pop’s. And that is what happened last night, dear sister,” Kim sat, horrified by the picture her brother had painted with his story. How painful that must have been for them both!
“I’m so sorry, Roman,” She whispered as she wrapped an arm around his slumped shoulders.
“Yeah, so am I,” He whispered gruffly.
“Is there anything I can do to help you?” She needed to feel useful.
“Not unless you can time warp us back to 1983,” He spoke sadly, rising from the bench to once again pace the dock. “Thanks for trying, Kim. It’s good to know someone cares.”
“Everyone cares, Roman. Even Marlena and John. You’d know that if you’d admit it to yourself. They both are dying inside for the pain they’ve caused you and the family.”
“Marlena, yeah I can see that, but not John. John doesn’t care. Yeah, he’s upset he got caught and that he lost a friend, but couldn’t care less about my pain. All’s he sees is a window of opportunity to take my wife. He’s not the man she thinks he is,” Roman bitterly spoke.
“He is everything she thinks he is, Roman. He’s a wonderful man who got trapped in a really rotten situation and could not deny his feelings for the woman he loved any longer. John isn’t the villain here, Roman,” She insisted.
“Yeah, well, then who is?” Roman shot back. “Tell me who it is cause I’d love to kill them with my bare hands!”
“Stefano is the villain. You know that.”
“My wife sleeps with another man long after she’s accepted that he’s no longer me and Stefano’s to blame? I don’t think so, Kim. Marlena and John are the villains, more John than Marlena, but still. They had a chance to deal with their feelings long ago and they didn’t take it.”
“When did they have a chance, Roman? Isabella was pregnant and you were there pushing Marlena to just get things back to normal. No one gave them an opportunity to deal with the feelings they had for one another. You can think that they had time all that you want, but if you look into your heart you’ll realize that it’s not true. Look, Roman, I should probably go. You need time to examine the situation and realize that the absolute truths you’ve been depending on for years aren’t absolute. Marlena isn’t a deity. She’s a human being, just like you and me and she’s fallible. Hating her for not being perfect won’t make you feel better and it sure as heck won’t make your kids feel better. When we love someone, we’re willing to accept their mistakes. Maybe you should just accept her mistake and move on,” Kim moved toward the stairs.
“I can’t accept this mistake, Kim, no matter how much I’d like to I just can’t. Goodbye, little sister. Thanks for caring,” She waved silently and then ascended the stairs. He turned his back and looked out over the pier once again. She paused at the top of the stairs for a moment.
“I know you’re hurt, Roman, but she does love you. She’d do anything to save your family. Even sacrifice her own feelings,” She whispered and walked slowly back to the Pub. When Kim entered the pub, she instantly spotted Sami sulking in a corner booth.
Her black expression mirrored that of her father’s and left little doubt that she was truly her father’s daughter. Kim pondered bridging the gap between her young niece and the family. Sami had been pushing everyone away for so long that no one even knew her anymore. No one felt comfortable helping her because she just wasn’t the same sweet Sami she had once been. Finally, Kim decided that she needed to at least try to talk to Sami. She needed to know that she was loved and supported at the very least.
“Hi, Sami,” Kim peeked around the booth. Sami managed a weak smile, but said nothing.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” She answered tersely. She didn’t feel like inviting conversation. No one could understand her pain and any attempt would only fall massively short, leaving both Sami and that person disappointed and hurt.
“Honey, do you need to talk to someone?” Kim sat down in the seat and wrapped an arm around her niece.
“No, but thanks.”
“Are you just not ready yet?” Kim refused to allow Sami to simply pretend that the situation was not happening.
“No, I am not ready. I can’t talk to anyone because no one could possibly understand how I feel. Talking about it doesn’t make me feel better and then the person I talked to becomes worried about me. It’s just best not to talk about it. I appreciate the effort, Aunt Kim, but I’d really just prefer my solitude right now,” Sami carefully avoided rudeness, but made it clear that the topic was not open for discussion.
“Honey, are you going to talk to your mom? Your dad said she is moving out today,” Sami nodded her head. Her mother’s departure from their house made things much easier and was anxiously anticipated.
“I have nothing to say to my mom,” Sami’s eyes clouded over with pain as she spoke of her mother.
“I think you do, honey. It would do you good to get some of that anger off of your chest.”
“I can’t get that anger off of my chest. She’s already having a stressful pregnancy. My outburst of anger would risk both hers and the baby’s life,” Sami explained logically. Kim nodded. Sami did have a point.
“Maybe you could write her a letter. Keeping everything bottled up inside isn’t good for you,” Kim sounded just like Marlena.
“Yes, Dr. Evans, I’ll remember that. Mom tells me the same things, but I think it’s better for everyone this way. Look, Aunt Kim, I know you mean well, but you’re not helping me. I am going to go upstairs for awhile. I want to be alone.” Without another word, Sami exited the booth and bounded up the stairs. Kim sat in the booth surprised by Sami’s sudden exit. Her concern for her niece had grown considerably since entering the pub, but now Sami’s comment had made Kim grow concerned for Marlena as well. Was she taking care of herself and the baby? Kim knew her brother would disapprove of her “crossing the enemy lines,” but Marlena was her friend. Marlena needed her and Kim needed to know that she was all right. She decided that perhaps a call was better than a visit right now so she moved to the pub phone and dialed Marlena’s number.
John had just descended the staircase when the phone began ringing. Eric was not in sight and Marlena was in no shape to talk with anyone so he decided to answer. “Hello,” His deep voice shocked Kim. She couldn’t believe John was actually there.
“John?” She asked.
“Yes, Kim, is that you?”
“Yes, it is. Why are you there?” she could already see the fire in her brother’s eyes if he came home to find John in his house. John, instantly on the defensive, came up with a ready explanation.
“I was planning on leaving Salem this morning and I called Eric to tell him. When I called Eric told me what happened. He sounded pretty upset and said Marlena was too. I had to be here taking care of them,” John’s voice filled with such tenderness that Kim regretted her earlier harshness.
“I’m sorry. It’s just I’d hate to see Roman come home and the two of you fight. Marlena’s not able to handle that right now,” Kim explained.
“Kim, you don’t have to explain to me. I understand. You aren’t just watching out for her, you’re watching out for your brother. That doesn’t hurt me or make me angry. I completely understand. I know that if Roman comes home we’ll have a problem, but I won’t leave her alone to face the mess that I’ve made. I can’t do that to her. I love her too much for that. I’m sorry if that hurts you or shocks you, but the love that Marlena and I shared was not just because I was Roman. It was much more than that.” He passionately declared.
“I understand that, John. I know that the love the two of you shared was based on a feeling, not a name. I understand that your love was strong and undeniable and real, but that doesn’t change the fact that people are hurting because of your affair. Sami is hurting, Eric is hurting, but most of all Roman is hurting. Marlena is his wife. In his eyes the sun and moon rose around Marlena. It kills him to see that she is human, to see that she can make mistakes and this is no small mistake. Lives were changed by her actions. He is broken because of her actions. He loved her more than life itself and she betrayed him.”
“I know our affair is hurting others. I can’t stand to see the kids hurting and I hate that Roman is hurting. It kills me to know that I’ve caused my best friend such pain, but my love for her was just too strong to stay away. That doesn’t make what we did right, but it was beyond our control. Kim, I know the family is probably pretty angry with us both right now. I don’t care if they push me away forever. It’d hurt me, but I could live with it. I couldn’t stand to see them push Marlena away forever. Since she moved to Salem they’ve been the only family she’s truly known and she loves Mom and Pop like they were her own. Please see if you can get them to take their anger off of her and onto me. I can handle it. She can’t,” Kim was torn. This was the man who just ruined her brother’s life and yet he was the man she had once called brother. She loved him as if he were her brother and his speech just deepened her love for him. But loving him meant betraying Roman. She began to understand a bit of Marlena’s conflict.
“I’ll do my best. Mom and Pop still love both of you. They are just hurting, for themselves and for Roman. Mom understands what it’s like to be in Marlena’s shoes. If you give her time, she’ll reach out to Marlena. I’m sure of it. Everyone just needs a little time to accept things. They need a little time to step back and take thing into perspective, to see where the two of you are coming from. They will eventually understand, but they will never accept either one of you like before. You do understand that, don’t you?” Kim hated asking such a harsh question, but it was important to make John realize that things would never again be the same between him and Marlena and the family.
“Of course, I understand that. I wish there was something I could do to change it, but I do understand it. I betrayed them all, not just Roman. I guess I will just learn to accept whatever the consequences might be. I just wish Marlena didn’t have to accept those consequences too.” He stared blankly across the room. His eyes fixated on a picture of the Marlena and Roman and their children, but he did not really see it. His voice slowly faded out, leaving an unpleasant lull in the conversation, something he didn’t think he’d ever encountered in a conversation with Kim before.
Kim’s mind ran in a thousand different directions. She felt trapped in the middle of an impossible situation. She could honestly say she loved all the members of this triangle more than life itself. She hated to see any of them hurt, but inevitably someone must lose. Both John and Roman could not have Marlena and Marlena could not have both John and Roman. There would come a time when she must choose which man really held the key to her heart. Kim didn’t know which man she wanted to win. She quickly detoured her mind from that train of thought and focused back on the situation at hand, Marlena’s well-being.
“John, is Marlena all right?”She asked gently, praying that his answer was more positive than she expected.
“Honestly, Kim, no. She’s not all right. She’s an emotional wreck. Her husband left her. Her daughter hates her. Her son is dependent on her and she’s pregnant to boot. So she has all those hormones rushing through her system too. It’s just really rough for her right now, but I am going to make sure she makes it through this. Roman may be able to walk away and leave her alone, but that’s one thing I could never do, something I will never do.”
“Roman is having a rough time of it too, John. Leaving her is killing him, but he just can’t stand knowing Marlena loves you enough to risk her marriage for you. Try to understand what he’s going through. You’ve been on the other side. You’ve been the one facing the facts that you didn’t have sole ownership of Marlena’s heart. Do you remember what it felt like?”
“Yes, it hurt more than anything I’d ever imagined, but it more because she completely denied her feelings for me. I wouldn’t have cared had she admitted her love for us both back then, but she didn’t. She was married to him so she denied her feelings for me. I hated it, but I would not have minded having her and sharing her heart. I know that part of her will always love Roman, just like part of her will always love Don. That doesn’t bother me at all.” He explained.
“What about knowing that the part of her heart that she reserved for Roman might be bigger than the part that she reserved for you? Would you still stick with her then? Or would you surrender knowing that in her heart you’d always be second best?” John’s breath escaped him. He’d not seen things from this side of Roman’s view before. He sat silent, unable to determine what his course of action would be. “That’s what I thought. Look, John, I am glad that you ‘re there for Marlena, but does she want you there right now? She certainly has a lot on her mind. Maybe you should just give her some breathing room,” Kim’s words stung, but John knew she must have heard about the scene in the hospital.
“No, she doesn’t want me there right now but that’s okay. She will someday. She can’t handle this alone. She can’t think logically right now and she needs someone to help her make plans. I can do that for her. I have already helped her figure out where they are going to live. She and Eric are going to be moving into the loft for awhile,” Kim’s eyes widened in shock.
“What?” She nearly shouted.
“It’s only temporary until her penthouse is finished, and I will be out of town. They just need temporary digs and I can’t stand the thought of them having to stay at a hotel. At least in the loft, they’ll be somewhere familiar and comfortable.” John quickly explained.
“How did Marlena get a penthouse so quickly?”Kim asked, avoiding the obvious statement of how Roman would feel about Eric staying with Marlena at John’s apartment.
“I own it,” John smiled.
“Oh, I see, and Marlena’s okay with all of this?” Kim knew Marlena would not willingly agree to perpetuate the further appearance of an affair between herself and John. Staying at John’s apartment would not look good and neither would letting John choose her penthouse for her.
“No, but there’s not much of an alternative. I won’t have her staying in a hotel.”
“And Eric’s going with her? Roman didn’t tell me that.”
“Eric needs her and she needs him. He refused to let her leave without him. He and Roman aren’t exactly on the best of terms right now. It’s best for him to be with his mom.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. That relationship is too volatile to be maintained under such tense circumstances and with no mediator. Marlena plays a good mediator, but if Sami were forced to I think she’d break. Besides she shouldn’t have to feel like she has to keep order between her father and brother,” Kim agreed. The ring of the bell over the pub door caught her attention. She glanced up to see Roman hovering near the doorway. His face was still expressionless as he began to saunter towards her. He would kill her if he knew who she was talking to. She had to end the conversation quickly.
“Look, John. I gotta go. Tell Marlena I am thinking of her, okay? And if she needs anything, tell her to give me a call.”
“Will do, Kim. Thanks for calling. Goodbye,” He hung up the phone just in time to see Marlena descending the stairs. Her hair was drawn up in a haphazard ponytail. Her face was pale, decorated only by the red of her bloodshot eyes. Her oversize sweatsuit hung on her frame, carefully disguising the fabulous figure John had caught a glimpse of earlier. He smiled, remembering how beautiful she’d been. Even more beautiful than he’d remembered. The slight swell of her stomach only added to her beauty. He couldn’t help but feel love for both her and the baby as he remembered that the cause of that swell was his child. He had never seen a pregnant woman who was so beautiful. He sat dreamily staring at her, until her words snapped him out of her reverie.
“Who was on the phone?” She asked. He shook his head to clear his mind and then answered.
“Kim. She was just calling to check on you. She told me to tell you she’s thinking of you and that if you need anything to give her a call.” Marlena nodded blankly.
“You mean she’s not angry at us too?”
“Marlena, she’s hurting for Roman, but she understands our side too. Hey, did you see Eric on your way down?” He quickly changed the conversation. He did not wish to get into the details of his conversation with Kim.
“Yeah, he was fully dressed and snoring quite loudly, sprawled all across his bed. I guess he fell back asleep. I didn’t have the heart to wake him. Did he get any sleep last night?”
“No, I don’t think he did. He’s pretty worried about you,” Marlena shook her head sadly.
“I should be the one worrying about him, not the other way around. I hate that he and Sami have to go through this,” She absently wiped a tear from her cheek.
“Those kids have been through a lot worse things than this. They’re strong. They’ll make it. It’s you I am most worried about,” John walked to her side and gently led her to the table. She pulled away.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, okay?”
“That’s like telling the sun not to shine, Doc. Why don’t you sit down and we’ll have some breakfast,” She hated taking directions from him, but she was hungry. She decided this time she could concede and allow him to help her out. Besides, the food he had made smelled delicious. She sat down at the table and pulled the tray to her. She took a giant swig of orange juice and proceeded to empty the entire tray of it’s contents. John laughed at her voracious appetite.
“Hungry, Doc?” He chuckled.
“I’m eating for two,” She answered.
“Is that two or four?” He taunted.
“Very funny, Black.,” Her reply was muffled by the forkful of pancakes she had just placed in her mouth. John stared at her as she hungrily devoured her food. Sitting at this table with her brought back so many pleasant memories. He hated that things had had to happen like this, but he couldn’t deny the pleasure he took in spending this time with her. It was almost like old times. Almost,but not quite. She looked up to find him staring at her. Rather than pushing him away from her as he had expected, she smiled.
“You gonna eat those?” She asked pointing to the plateful of pancakes in front of him. He laughed and pushed them towards her.
“They’re all yours, Doc.”
“Thanks,” She replied. He nodded, but she looked at him more deeply, her hazel eyes shining. “No, I mean thanks, for everything. You really didn’t have to do all this for me,” Their eyes met for just a moment, sending a shock of electricity racing through both of their bodies. Marlena’s hand began to tremble causing her fork to nearly tumble to the table. Trying to maintain some semblance of control and grace, she quickly placed the fork on her plate. Each movement was monitored by the ever-watchful John, who took it all as hope for a future between them. Before Marlena could evade his tender gaze, he smiled warmly at her and gently placed his hand over hers. His touch sent conflicting waves of passion and peace through her body, eventually calming her. As her trembling slowly ceased, he spoke.
“Yes, I did. I’d stop the world if it’d make things easier for you, Doc,” His eyes clouded with tears and she immediately darted her gaze from him. She stared intently at the table and cursed the feelings that surged within her upon hearing his tender words. She couldn’t love him, not now, not ever again. Their love had hurt too many people. Roman, Sami, Eric, the Brady’s, they were all casualties of John and Marlena’s love. But the person who had been hurt the most by her love for John was John himself. Her love for him had made her push him away time and time again. He thought that it was her love for Roman that kept them apart, but it was truly her love for John that acted as separator.
Every person who she had ever truly loved eventually ended up getting hurt. Samantha, DJ, Don, Roman, everyone around her always seemed in danger as if her very love and presence near them caused their pain. She couldn’t bear to see John hurt in that way, so she’d surrendered him to Isabella when Roman had returned and then last night she’d surrendered again by pushing him away. She could see the pain in his eyes, but it was better off in the long run. She’d never be able to forgive herself if her love hurt John. If only she could realize that by witholding her love for him, she was causing him much more pain than fate could ever hand to him.
John sat across the table, watching the mix of emotions play across Marlena’s face. He wondered where her mind had wandered. She looked so confused, so hurt, so frightened. He would do anything to stop her pain. Seeing her happy meant more to him than life itself. However, he couldn’t stop the emotions from rushing through his system as he perused her beautiful features. Her face simply glowed, even in her moments of confusion, as if she contained all the goodness and light of the world. He’d have taken any pain just to spend one glorious moment basking in the light of her love and he’d risk his entire being to make her his again. No matter what it took, one day Marlena Evans would be his bride, he promised to himself. No matter what!
After many long minutes of uninterrupted silence, Marlena eased her hand from beneath John’s, all without even attempting to meet John’s probing stare. Attaching her gaze on an unknown object across the room, she rose and began to pace the living room. Thoughts raced through her head one after another, thoughts which scared her. Nervously, she tucked the few stray tendrils of hair behind her ear while gnawing distractedly on her bottom lip. She hugged her arms to her chest as if her very life depended on it, knowing that accepting the comfort from her own arms was far safer than the other alternative placed before her. She stationed herself across the room, making sure she was quite far from John’s more than willing arms of comfort. She thought that perhaps if she placed some distance between her and John, her thoughts would become clear again. With each passing second, she began to realize that her mind might never be rid of these passionate thoughts for John which plagued her. Slowly, she crossed the room and settled upon the couch, bringing her knees to her chest. She rocked back and forth like a child trying to soothe itself.
John, unable to watch her silent agony any longer, crossed the room and sat down beside her. She instantly whirled around to face the opposite direction. John’s tender gaze would only make things worse. He placed a gentle hand upon her shoulder. She shivered involuntarily as his fingers sent impulses through her body that only he could send. She drew back, trying to avoid the inevitable. He took her chin in his hand and turned her to face him. Silent tears dripped down her cheeks as his brilliantly blue eyes searched her face for some sign that she still loved him. Her lips so tender and full seemed to beckon him to moisten them with his kisses. He had to fight the urge to take her right there.
With his eyes swimming with love for her, he gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. She remembered a time that he had done that same sweet thing before. She could see him standing before her, promising to be hers forever and could hear herself promising the same things. Then she could see his hands tenderly reaching out to her and wiping away the tears that spilled unbidden down her cheeks. As he sat here beside her tenderly meeting her needs once again, she could not deny the love that surged within her heart, nor could she keep it from showing in her expression. John, expert at reading Marlena’s expressions, instantly noticed the change in her attitude. No longer feeling confined by the situation before him, he could only respond to the love that swam deep in his heart. He ran his finger across her jawline, hoping that his finger would soon be replaced by his lips.
Marlena’s heart began to pound so loudly in her chest, she simply knew he could hear it, that he could sense her body’s unbidden reaction to his. John noticed her rising arousal and tenderly began to display his love for her. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, swiping her bangs aside with his hand. Tears poured down her cheeks as she realized that she once again could not resist the passion she found in his arms.
He pulled her body to his own. Both bodies seemed to sizzle with the passion that they shared. John looked deeply into Marlena’s eyes, his own expression asking for permission to kiss her. She nodded slowly as a cavalcade of tears spilled down her ivory cheeks. His lips enveloped hers with a wave of passion. Hungrily, she deepened the kiss as John’s fingers tangled in the curls around the nape of her neck. Their tongues collided with a starburst of energy, only fueling the hunger of them both. After many long minutes of sharing their hidden desire, they drew back, both gasping for air.
“Oh, Doc, I love you so much,” John whispered, his voice thick with desire. Marlena said nothing, but quickly found another occupation for her lips, treasuring each second that she shared with her love. She wrapped her fingers around his neck, drawing him ever closer to her. Suddenly, a noise at the door caught both of their attention. For a second, they could not move, both praying that Roman was not the shadow now cast over them. They whirled around to find Sami standing in the doorway. Her blue eyes filled with giant tears as her mouth hung agape. She said nothing as she turned and fled the house.
She ran with all her might, the biting wind chafing her skin as the tears streamed down her cheeks. John and Marlena both immediately followed Sami, screaming her name as they ran.
Something inside of Sami snapped at the sight of her mother and John kissing. The betrayal of the two people who had once been the core of her existence bore a hole into her already broken heart. Seeds of bitterness that already been sown during the events of the past few days blossomed into full grown weeds of anger and hatred as the kiss incessantly replayed in her head. She ran, praying with all of her might that reality would not follow in her heated footsteps. The pain searing her heart caused tears to flood her eyes as they had never before done, blinding her to the fact that she had run onto the road. The sound of her heartbeat pounded deafeningly loud in her ears, making it impossible to hear the blare of the oncoming car.
Marlena’s life flashed before her eyes as she saw Sami run into the street and into the path of the speeding vehicle. With all the energy inside of her, she mustered a cry. Sami’s name sounded like a tribal warrior’s cry as it echoed through the silent neighborhood. Sami whirled around to see the car baring down upon her. She froze, staring blankly at the oncoming vehicle like a deer caught in headlights. She almost felt relief at the thought that she would no longer have to deal with the excruciating pains that the twists and turns of life continued to force into her path.
John’s fatherly instinct sprung into action as he saw his daughter trapped in the path of the death. His heart broke at the thought that his actions had brought her to this point. He began running with all of his might, reaching speeds that would rival any Olympian. He reached her in mere seconds, his fingers barely grasping her shoulder soon enough to yank her from harm’s way. He thrust his own body around hers in case the car swerved towards them. They landed in a crumpled heap upon the ground. Marlena drew a deep breath, feeling her heart finally stir back into motion. She slowly walked towards her devastated daughter who lay in her former father’s arms.
Sami stared up at her approaching mother with a wounded expression riding in her blue eyes. Marlena’s breath caught in her throat as she realized for the first time the depth of her daughter’s pain. John gently pulled Sami to face him so he could check if she was all right. Her gaze pierced him like a fiery sword as it fell upon him. No words of gratitude were given as she savagely ripped herself from his embrace. She stood and smoothed her rumpled appearance, wiping the fallen tears from her eyes. She refused to let them see any more of her pain. Without a word, she turned back towards the pub, knowing that safety could be found in her father’s arms. Marlena reached out, placing a gentle hand on Sami’s shoulder. Sami felt her heart jump to her throat and her breathing momentarily ceased. A silent tear trickled down her porcelain cheek.
“Sami, please don’t go like this,” Marlena pleaded. The bitterness swimming in Sami’s broken heart threatened to choke the life out of her as her mother’s passionate plea assaulted her ears. Without warning, she whirled around, slapping her mother across the face. For a moment, as she stared into her mother’s eyes, she felt remorse. Quickly, she slapped the wall of bitterness back into the place, refusing to feel sorry for something that her mother had deserved. Marlena’s hand instantly covered the spot where Sami had hit her. The pain she felt did not emanate from the wound on her face, but the wound in her heart from knowing her daughter had completely lost all respect and love for her. Bile rose from the pit of her stomach as that knowledge stuck her. Her daughter hated her. She doubled over in agony, retching miserably upon the sidewalk. She sobbed as her stomach heaved. John’s heart twinged with each sob escaping Marlena’s lips. He could not believe the scene that he had just witnessed.
“Samantha Gene Brady, you had absolutely no right to hit your mother. Apologize to her this minute,” Sami defiantly met his gaze with one of cold indifference. He could not comprehend the change in her eyes that she had undergone in mere minutes. She had gone from his precious Samantha to some angry teenager who now bore a grudge against the world. Her iron gaze caused his skin to bristle as he continued on the staring showdown. He buckled first, unable to bare the intensity of her hatred for one second longer.
“You are not my father no matter how badly you want to be in my mother’s bed,” She spat back at him after contemplating which words would wound him the deepest. She knew she had hit directly on target as John and Marlena both gasped.
“Sami, how dare you?” Eric’s voice rang out from behind John. He had witnessed the entire scene and was astonished by his sister’s behavior. “John is our father much more than Roman could ever be and he loves Mom. He’s not just using her as a trophy,” Sami could not believe that Eric was supporting the adulterous pair. The betrayal of her twin brother hurt more deeply than anything as she realized she was truly alone in her sorrow.
Her broken heart was being systematically torn to shreds, inflicting immense pain with each new tear. She placed a mask of indifference on her face, trying to hide the pain from them all. The mask of indifference quickly gave way to one of anger. It was easier to be angry than to be sad. She honestly couldn’t believe her own twin was betraying her and their father by supporting John.
“How dare YOU, Eric? I caught them kissing in Dad’s house. Dad’s side of the bed hadn’t even had a chance to get cold yet. How can you support them?” She cried.
“Because he’s the only father I’ve ever known and he’s the only man who really makes Mom happy,” Eric shouted.
“But she’s married to Dad!”Sami countered angrily. Marlen winced knowing that it was now only a matter of time before that statement was false.
“Grow up, Sami! Try to see that everything is not black and white here. In fact, almost everything in Salem is gray. It’s about time that you realized that the family Roman was trying to create was just a facade.”
“It was not. We were happy. We were all happy once . . . Weren’t we?” She whispered to her sobbing mother. Marlena only nodded dumbly. Her heart breaking with every bitter word escaping her daughter’s lips. John could stand no more. He peered down at Marlena’s doubled up body and stared at the angry young adults before him. Eric was so much like John, always willing to fight Marlena’s battles for her. But the anger in his and Sami’s eyes frightened him. He wished he had never driven them to this point.
“Stop it, both of you. Fighting does no one any good. Let’s go back to the house and rationally discuss the situation.” John gently lifted Marlena from the ground, supporting her with an arm around her shoulders. Sami cringed, her jawline set in an action so like Roman’s that Marlena felt helpless.
“I will not return to that house until she is gone. I came back today to try to mend the fences. Aunt Kim said I needed to talk about my feelings and get them out into the open. She said that everything would be better then, but now everything’s just so much worse. How could you two do this to Daddy? What if he had walked in on you?” She cried.
“We didn’t plan it, Sami. It just happened,” Marlena shouted, savagely defending herself. John held firmly to her trembling shoulders as her knees began to crumble beneath her. He caught her just as she began to fall. He lifted her into his arms. Her head fell to his chest as deep wrenching sobs escaped her lips. Her body quivered with unspoken agony.
“I am taking your mother to my loft. She is too upset right now. It isn’t good for her or the baby. Sami, you are welcome to come and discuss things with her whenever you’re ready, but you will never hit your mother again. Do you understand me young lady?” John’s voice was filled with an previously unseen gruffness. It hurt him to see her so angry, but her actions were inexcusable. Sami nodded silently as John icily stared at her. “Eric, start packing yours and your mother’s things. I will be back this afternoon to help you finish. She can’t stay here any longer.” Eric nodded his agreement, although he felt the decision should be his mother’s.He looked at her and realized she was obviously unable to make any decisions right now. Eric and Sami stood motionlessly on the sidewalk as John carried Marlena back to his car and laid her in the back seat. He gently smoothed the fallen ponytail from her face and then shut the door. He walked back to the twins standing in the spot where he’d left them.
“Sami, Eric, I love your mother. I know that hurts you, but she was my wife too. Just as legally as she was your father’s. I know this is hard for you to understand, but please try. I am only trying to do what’s best for your mother and the baby,” Eric nodded while Sami just stared in the opposite direction. “I love you both very much and so does your mother. We are not getting back together, not now and maybe not ever if that’s not what your mother wants. But I will always love her and I will always do my best to look after her best interest. If you can’t forgive me, that’s fine, but remember that your mother loves you both very much. She was a pawn in this just as much as the two of you are. She doesn’t deserve your anger. She deserves your sympathy and understanding,” John pleaded.
“Well, there’s none left here,” Sami angrily retorted. “Why don’t you take your lover home now? She’s probably missing you since you’ve been gone two whole minutes,” Her sarcasm stung John.
“Sami, I understand your anger and I know that you have every right to be angry, but please try to avoid any more outsbursts like this evening,” Sami shook her head, not believing that John was placing the blame at her feet.
“Well, I’ll try when you and my mother try to avoid any more scenes like tonight,” She snapped. John’s ire was quickly raising. Anger at him was fine, he could handle that, but his soft spot for Marlena caused him to jump to her defense.
“Sami, I’m trying to be kind. I know that your mom and I messed up and we caused a lot of people a lot of pain. But your Mom is hurting too. And she’s already having a difficult pregnancy. Can you please try to restrain yourself around her?”
“I try not to make promises I can’t keep. You see my mother always told me that a promise is something sacred and should never be broken. Maybe she forgot what a promise was,” Sami’s snide comment tipped the iceberg for John.
“Sami, I can handle all the stuff you are dishing out right now, but if you bring any of this to your mother before that baby is born, you will regret it. Your mother is under a lot of stress and this pregnancy is already high risk, she can’t afford any more tension that your attitude would bring. I don’t want your mother to be separated from you , but if you can’t keep your mouth under control, I don’t see how I can stand by and watch you hurt her. If you are just going to lash out, please just stay away. She will be more than happy to talk everything out with you when her pregnancy is a little more stable. And Samantha if you ever hit your mother again while I am around, you will be punished,” John’s brow furrowed with anger.
“You’re not my father. You can’t punish me,” She spat back.
“I know that, but even Roman would not allow you to hit your mother, no matter how angry he is at her. If you need to strike out at someone, hit me. I can handle it,” Sami pondered hitting him right there but pulled away. Her lower lip slid out poutily just as it had always done when she was a child. “Eric, I’ll be back for you later. Will you be all right?” Eric nodded and thanked John for his concern. John patted Eric’s back and turned to go. “Just remember, Sami, that every word, every action is forever. You can never take it back.” Sami iron gaze could have bore a hole in John’s back as he walked away.
“I’ll never want to take it back,” She whispered. “NEVER!”
John climbed into the car and immediately began trying to calm Marlena. He spoke to her in soft soothing tones as he backed out of the driveway. He was met with silence, his only clue that she occupied the vehicle too was the occasional sigh that would slip from her mouth. He glanced up in the rearview mirror to ensure she was all right. He could see her swiping angrily at the tears creating a waterfall down her fair features. His heart tore in two at the sight of his beloved one in such agony.
“How could I do this to them? How could I hurt them like this?” She gasped between sobs.
“Marlena, you did not hurt them alone. I instigated it. I should have left you alone, but I needed you,” He whispered.
“Please don’t say that,” She desperately pleaded. John sighed. So we’re back to pushing me away again are we? he thought to himself.
“I’m sorry, Doc. I’m pushing you too hard. I’ll try to do better. I only want what’s best for you and the baby,” She nodded.
“I know that,” She whispered. “Please just take me back home. I need to speak to Sami.”
“No, I will not allow it. You are upset enough as it is and Sami is in no condition to speak to you. She needs a breather, Doc. Eric is with her. If anyone can talk some sense into her, it’s him. You need to rest and I have the most perfect place. The bed in my spare bedroom is the most comfortable bed on Earth and it’s calling your name,” Marlena sighed sadly, knowing John was right, but hating it too. She sat up in the backseat and settled back against the softness of the leather seats. She closed her eyes and pretended for a few moments that she hadn’t delivered another fatal blow to her marriage.
*****
“I can’t believe you are my sister, let alone my twin. How can two people be so incredibly different?” Eric pondered aloud. Sami turned and looked at him with wounded eyes, his harsh statement had taken the final blow to her remaining composure.
“Well, the feeling is mutual. I can’t believe you actually support them. Mom is moving in with her lover and you’re going along for the ride. Wait till Dad hears about this,” She spun on her heels, vindictively ready to deliver the unpleasant news to her father. She could just see him tearing into John and Marlena with all his might and then beating John to a bloody pulp. It would feel good to see John have some pain of his own, instead of always dishing it out. Eric saw the look of utter hatred in Sami’s eyes, knowing she was going to tell Roman only so that John would be hurt. He forcefully yanked her back around to face him. He had never been the most outspoken twin, had always allowed Sami to take the lead, but this was different. She had to be stopped. The last thing anyone needed was another fight.
“You will not tell Dad about this,” He shouted, resolute in his decision. Sami drew back, yanking her arm out of his grasp. She was shocked by the determination glowing in Eric’s eyes. “I mean it, Sami. Dad needs to hear this from me and Mom. She did not make this decision for me. I made it, in fact at first she didn’t even want it, but she realized it was for the best. She isn’t staying with John technically. He is going to be out of town for a few days and when he gets back the penthouse he is remodeling for Mom should be ready. He won’t even be there.”
“Whatever you say, Eric, but you and I both know that their relationship will not stay platonic. And Daddy will be the one who gets hurt,” Sami spouted.
“Maybe it’s about time he gets hurt. Maybe it’s about time someone other than Mom gets to bear all the pain,” Eric shot back.
“Poor Saint Marlena, a martyr for all mankind,” Sami sarcastically quipped.
“Knock it off, Sami,” Sami shook her head, her frustration with her brother rising by the second.
“Back off, Eric. I am entitled to my opinions just as much as you are yours and I think Mom is a slut who deserves any pain that comes her way,” Eric’s jaw dropped in horror. Without thinking he slapped his sister across the face. Sami covered the pink splotchy welt with her hand as tears slipped from her vacant blue eyes. She immediately tucked all emotion out of sight. I can’t let him see me hurting, she thought to herself. No one can see me hurting. She knew she had to escape now before either of them had any more regrets.
With slumped shoulders, she turned back towards the pub. Enough damage had been done to them. The day had just begun and already another battle had been fought. No winners, only losers. The seemed to be the only kind of battle the Brady family fought.
Eric watched as his sister slipped out of view and then he collapsed upon the sidewalk in pain. It had taken everything in him not to smack her when she’d hit their mother and now he regretted slapping her at all. She was his sister after all, and he loved with every ounce of his being, but she just didn’t understand the kind of love that their mother and John shared. Eric wasn’t quite sure he understood either, but he knew that someday he wanted to find a love like that, a love that spans time and situations, a love that would one day blossom into a lifetime of happiness for them both. He wanted a love just like that. He slowly lifted himself from the sidewalk, scraping together enough energy to walk back home. As he entered, he realized that this place was no longer a home. It was simply a house, filled with memories, both good and bad. Memories could make some of the hard times easier, but they could never bring back what had been lost here, never. He stopped in the doorway and let a few memories replay in his mind, smiling at the pleasant warmth that they brought to him. Maybe life here hadn’t been so bad afterall. A tear trickled down his cheek as he stood there remembering all the happy times that they’d all shared together. Too bad it all had to end, but was it really an ending or a brand new beginning?
John drove as quickly as he could, trying to get his precious cargo to the haven of his loft. There, he could shield her from the world for awhile, help her deal with and accept the events that had occurred in her life. Away from everyone, he would stand a better chance at actually helping her. He glanced back in the mirror to check her condition. She had curled herself into ball on the backseat. He thought she might be sleeping. A soft sob dismissed that thought from his mind. He said a silent prayer for God to help her through this ordeal. A sudden warmth filled his heart and he felt for the first time in days that God had actually heard his prayer. Hope began to spring anew within him. Maybe their luck was finally beginning to change.
He slowed to a stop outside his building, easing his car into the parking garage. As John slid the car into his parking space, he glanced back in the mirror again. Marlena remained in a fetal position, not even acknowledging her awareness that the vehicle had stopped moving. He whispered her name softly. She did not appear to hear him. It was if she had retreated into a world where life could no longer hurt her. He opened his door and stepped out, quietly closing it behind him. Carefully, he opened her door, making sure that she was not leaning against it. When he lifted her from the seat into his strong arms, she didn’t notice her changing surroundings. She let her head fall to the security of John’s chest, the real world a distant memory in her tortured mind. John whispered soft words of comfort as they walked, trying to ease her from her land of silence. Not even the gentle kiss he placed upon her brow stirred her. As he looked into her vacant eyes, he silently asked God for the strength to tear down her walls of pain. This time his prayer was met with no warmth, no hope, only the empty expression in Marlena’s golden brown eyes.
I am all alone. I have no one who I have not hurt, no one who loves me enough to bring me out of the hell I’m living in, Marlena thought. John’s face sprung to her mind immediately, but she knew she could not turn to him or it would mean certain death for her ailing marriage. It would mean the ultimate collapse of her daughter’s damaged psyche. She had caused everyone so much pain, she wished she could just leave them all behind. Certainly her absence would make things much easier for everyone. Even poor Eric who claimed he needed her so badly. She had not missed the wounded expression in his eyes upon seeing the fight between herself and Sami. Sure, he had defended her. What good son wouldn’t? But he resented having to place himself between her and Sami. She could see that, even if he refused to acknowledge it.
With each disparaging thought invading her consciousness, she retreated further into her own world. She was quickly abandoning reality for the comfort of her own world. She could pretend there, pretend that she hadn’t broken her husband’s heart, pretend that she hadn’t torn her daughter’s trust loyalty and respect to shreds. She could almost pretend that she were happy there, almost but not quite. Because in this world, there was no John. No John to comfort her and carry her over the troubled waters. No John to jump to her defense no matter the risk to himself. No John to patiently wait for her to return his love. She began to realize that all this pretending was wrong. It wouldn’t make things change, not really. It would only make the real world harder to return to. As John’s voice slipped through the ever widening cracks in her defenses, she let them fall, forcing herself to rejoin the land of the living.
John glanced down at her one last time as he laid her upon his couch. She hadn’t said a word in many minutes and seemed trapped inside herself. As he looked deeply into her eyes, he could see her desperation. It was hiding there, far beneath her exterior of vacancy. He wrapped her in his arms, holding her tightly to himself, making all the promises he could think of. She seemed to stir. He glanced back into her eyes. The vacant stare was quickly being replaced by that look of desperation. Strange, how much her desperation brought comfort to him. At least, she was becoming coherent enough to feel desperation again.
“Marlena,honey, can you hear me?” She slowly nodded her head, feeling slightly dizzy from the effort. “Oh, good girl, I was worried about you there for a minute. I thought you were going to leave me. You know I couldn’t live without you, don’t you?” She said nothing, only nodded.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Again, she nodded, still finding words a little more than she could handle. “Will you be okay here for a minute while I go check on Brady and get you some water?” Once again she nodded. He squeezed her tightly then jumped up form the couch. She had to fight the urge to cling to him like a life preserver as he left her alone in her sea of despair.
*****
Sami silently entered the pub, slipping into a corner booth, hoping desperately to avoid any encounter with the family at the moment. She needed some time to compose herself before she could deal with anyone. She lay her head upon the table and cried. Her body trembled with each silent sob. A strong hand gripped her shoulder, shocking her. Her eyes flew up to meet those of her father. He did well to mask his pain. She was not as good of an actor as he. He scooted her over, wrapping her in his strong arms. She let her head fall to his shoulder, thankful for the comfort of her father. She may have lost her mother, but she still had her daddy.
“What’s wrong, peanut?” Sami shook her head, all earlier plans of vengeance gone from her mind. The last thing any of them needed was more pain. “It’s all right, Peanut, you can tell me,” She continued shaking her head, silent tears pouring from her blue eyes.
“I can’t, daddy. Not this time,” She cried.
“Since when do we keep secrets?” He asked.
“Please, daddy, I just can’t talk about it,” She whispered as she turned away from him.
“All right. So where did you disappear to?” He always had a knack for reading her mind. He knew that whatever was upsetting her was linked to where she had gone, but he thought he could disguise it as a change of subject.
“I went for a walk.” She answered, keeping her answer short and sweet.
“Really ,where to?” Roman continued to pry. Sami’s defenses were crumbling. She didn’t know how much longer she could hold out. The pain was just too fresh and too deep to disguise for long.
“Nowhere, just for a walk.”
“Really, you were gone for an awful long time,” He hinted. “Did you run into someone you didn’t want to see?”
“You could say that,” Sami hedged.
“Was it your mother or John?” He finally asked, subtlety had never been his strong point. Sami began to cry. “Did they say something to upset you?”
“No,” She whispered.
“Then what happened?” She could stand no more. The pain gnawed away at her inner being. She needed to tell someone. If only someone else had come to her aid instead of Roman. . .
“I walked in the house and found them kissing. Mom is moving in with John and Eric is going with her,” She sobbed, her anguish evident in her voice. Roman was out of his seat in seconds. The slam of the pub door echoed in Sami’s ears as she realized the gravity of her statement. Oh, God, please protect them all from daddy’s anger and forgive me for telling him the truth.
*****
Marlena hugged her arms tightly to her chest, feeling for all the world that she was alone. She could hear John upstairs talking to his infant son. John had Brady; she had no one. Except her baby. She had sacrificed everything for this child and it would never knew how great the cost was for its life. She would never make it feel like a burden, like an unwanted orphan. She would always give it all of her love and affection and make it know how much it would always be loved. She let her hand fall to her stomach and began speaking to its occupant.
“I love you, little one. Always and forever, your momma and daddy love you,” John stopped on the staircase a quiet Brady in his arms. He listened attentively to Marlena’s words. “No matter what happens to all of us that will never change. Momma and Daddy may never be able to be together, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other and it doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We will always love and protect you,” John’s heart quivered at her tender speech. He wiped a stray tear from his eye.
“Hi,” Brady spoke. His childish voice buoyant with enthusiasm. Marlena whirled around to find the men standing on the staircase watching her. She blushed, knowing they had heard her. John smiled sweetly and placed Brady down on the bottom step. He toddled down and ran to Marlena’s side, laughing all the way. Marlena couldn’t help but smile as she lifted the little boy into her lap. She cuddled him close until he began to squirm. “You swish me!” He gasped. Again Marlena laughed. The sweet sound of her laughter filled the loft. John felt as if his home had never been warmer.
“I’m sorry, little man. I just thought you needed a hug,” She apologized, her face a mask of seriousness. Brady giggled and whispered in her ear.
“I fink my daddy needs a hug. He’s cwying,” Marlena really blushed now. John stared at them, perplexed at what his young son could have possibly said to make Marlena blush so deeply.
“I think Brady’s a lot like his father,” Marlena laughed, still a little surprised at the toddler’s ever growing vocabulary.
“Well, who better to be like, huh, slugger?” John held his arms open and Brady ran inside. He rested his head on his daddy’s shoulders. He was very sleepy. The nanny had said it was naptime, but John just couldn’t resist bringing him downstairs. His plan to lift Marlena’s spirits had worked like a charm. He hadn’t seen her smile like that in months. He couldn’t wait until it was their own child they were playing with. Brady would of course taken over the big brother and would be torturing the poor child, but they would all be having fun.
“I think someone’s a little sleepy,” Marlena commented. John nodded soundlessly. “maybe we should stop playing with him and take him to his bed.”
“Yeah, probably,” John agreed. “Say goodnight to Aunt Marlena, slugger,” Brady waved and whispered a soft goodnight. John ascended the staircase, again leaving Marlena alone with her thoughts. She lay down upon the comfortable couch cushions, grabbing a blanket to envelope her trembling body with its warmth. She let her head rest upon a pillow and closed her eyes. In moments, she was asleep.
John tiptoed back down the stairs, afraid that if Brady heard even the slightest noise he would wake. As he reached the base of the stairs, he spied Marlena sleeping upon the couch. He smiled and sat down in the chair across from her to watch her dream. She was so beautiful he could not take his eyes off of her. Inexplicably, he was drawn to her side. He placed a tender kiss upon her brow.
“Sweet dreams, my love,” He whispered as he deeply inhaled the pleasant perfume that she wore. It tickled his senses, bringing him to places where only she ever dared to go. Suddenly, he turned and walked away, knowing that if he didn’t stop hovering he would wake her. And God knows she needed her sleep. He decided to go to his place to think. He slipped onto the roof and sat down, bringing his knees tightly to his chest in a gesture of deep thought. He needed to clear his head in order to devise a plan to best help his sweet Marlena.
John’s plaintive wish for Marlena fell far short for Marlena’s dreams were anything but sweet. She began to toss and turn upon the large couch as tortured images haunted her dreamworld. She could see an anguished Roman turning away from her, telling her he could not accept the person she’d become. He called her awful things as he slipped out of the dream. Then Sami’s face of anger loomed over Marlena’s trembling body. Sami’s slap replayed again and again in perpetual replay in the darkness of Marlena’s troubled mind. John appeared next, his face full of hope and love, suddenly dimming to sadness and despair as the dream Marlena sent him far from her side. As she watched John slip slowly away, she immediately realized her mistake. She began screaming for him to return, but her cries fell on deaf ears as he disappeared into the haze surrounding her. She fell to her knees, crying in utter desolation. She could hear laughter, maniacal laughter riding the air around her. The laugh sounded so familiar. Marlena just couldn’t put a face with the voice. Then he appeared, his deep laugh ringing through the room like funeral bells. Marlena gasped as she saw him. It was the man who’d put the entire plan into motion. The man whose obsession with the Brady’s had brought about Marlena’s eventual downfall. It was Stefano Dimera.
“You’re dead,” Marlena gasped.
“Of course I am, sweet Marlena, and you, my dear, shall join me soon. Together we will burn in hell for the sins we committed,” He tossed his head back, laughter spilling from the depths of his being. It chilled Marlena to the bone. She began running, desperately attempting to escape that wretched man, but everywhere she ran, he was there. Finally, she could run no more. Pain wracked her entire body, searing through her abdomen. She collapsed upon the ground, screaming in pain. As she fell, she could feel something inside of her begin to die. The pain was so real, so frightening. She could feel the small life inside of her slip further and further away. Her mind was filled with such turmoil, she could no longer even see. Desperately, she called the one name who could calm every storm.
John could hear Marlena’s screams outside. Terrified, he raced back into the apartment, frightened by what might have her screaming so loudly. He found her lying upon the couch, clinging to the blanket covering her as if her life depended on it. Her knuckles were white from gripping so tightly to it. John lifted her from the couch into his arms, whispering words of comfort as he settled down on the couch with her in his arms. She cried and cried, but seemed to still be lost in her dreamworld. She just kept repeating his name as she cried.
“Ssh, Doc, I’m here. Everything is okay. It was just a dream,” He whispered as he smoothed the tousled hair back from her face. Slowly, she began to rouse. As her eyes fluttered open, John was frightened by the look of utter panic in her eyes. She placed a hand upon her stomach, tears flowing from her eyes. “Doc, what’s wrong?” His voice was filled with desperation.
“John, I think I’m losing the baby,” She cried, her words barely decipherable through her tears. She nearly doubled over in his lap as the pain wracking her body grew more intense. Through clenched teeth, she whispered, “Call the doctor. Something’s wrong. I have never cramped like this in my life.” John didn’t need to be told twice. He gently placed her back upon the couch and ran to the phone. As he spoke to the doctor, he could hear Marlena’s labored breathing in the background, distracting him from his mission. She couldn’t lose this baby, she just couldn’t. The doctor gave John instructions, all of which John wrote down. As he returned to Marlena’s side, he could see the pain had subsided as she rested back against the couch. He sat down beside her and held tightly to her hand.
“Dr. Morgan said that you need to be on complete bed rest for the next few days. The stress is getting to you. She wasn’t surprised by the cramping. She said to stay right here for now because the stress of being at the hospital in such a high pressure place would make it worse. And it might be nothing. She thinks that if you just rest for awhile it’ll get better. If it doesn’t get better or if you have any type of discharge, we have to get you to the hospital right away. You are not to have any stress at all so that means no contact with Sami or Roman, you got that?” Marlena nodded limply. The paleness of her skin scared him. He knew she could not handle much more pressure. “Now, why don’t you try to rest for awhile? I’ll make you some tea, maybe that will soothe your nerves,” Marlena nodded silently, her eyes already closed.
John moved to the kitchen and began making some hot tea. He prepared a warm rag to place over her puffy eyes and waited for the kettle to whistle. When it finally sang its joyful tune, John dropped in a chamomile tea bag and left it to steep for a few minutes.
“Here, Doc, why don’t you put this over your eyes?” John gently draped it across her eyes and went back to check on the tea. He decided it had steeped long enough so he delivered it to his precious charge. “here you go. Enjoy,” Marlena sat up, taking the rag off of her eyes. She deeply inhaled the soft aroma of the chamomile as she slowly let its warmth trickle down her throat.
She eased back against the couch cushion and allowed the calming effects of the chamomile begin to work their way through her tense muscles. She knew she had to relax, but the haunting specter of the dream she’d had only minutes before lingered in her subconscious filling her mind with a foreboding sense of disquiet.
John could sense Marlena’s nervousness. It exuded from every pore of her body. Without a word, he began gently massaging her temples, praying that the effort would help ease her frazzled nerves. The thought of her losing the baby scared him more than he could explain. He already loved that baby so much. He couldn’t wait to hold it and just stare at the beauty of his and Marlena’s love. He had not missed the look of panic on Marlena’s face when she had started cramping. She had thought she was losing the baby. She seemed to have calmed down some now, but the air still hung heavy with the nervousness of them both.
A sudden banging on the door, disturbed them from their newly created haven of peace. John jumped to answer it, figuring that it was Eric who had his hands full with boxes and such. His jaw dropped as he opened the door to find a furious Roman glaring back at him. Roman didn’t wait to be asked in. He nearly shoved John out of his way in his haste to find out answers from Marlena. Marlena’s expression immediately darkened at the sight of her furious husband.
Apparently, Sami had enlightened him on their little encounter at the house earlier.
“What do you think you are doing taking my son and moving in with your lover?” Roman bellowed. John dashed to Marlena’s side to run interference for her.
“Roman, Marlena is not moving in with me. I will be leaving tonight for some business meetings. She will stay here until I get back then she will move into her new apartment. Not that it’s any of your business where she stays. You want a divorce, remember?” John answered. Roman’s face clouded with anger at John’s answer.
“I did not ask you, John. I asked Marlena and it is my business as long as my son is staying with her. Don’t take it upon yourself to decide what is and is not business, John. Marlena and I will decide that for ourselves,” Roman answered much more coolly than either John or Marlena had expected.
“John, please let Roman and me discuss this by ourselves,” Marlena sweetly entreated. John refused, hovering over her like a protective expectant father.
“Roman, Dr. Morgan has given us strict instructions that Marlena is not to have any more stress today. I am sure that this can wait until tomorrow,” John replied. Roman’s composure was slowly slipping.
“Maybe Marlena should have thought of all of that before she had an affair,” Roman answered.
“Now let her talk for herself. Last time I checked she was still able to do that,” He turned back to face Marlena. “What do you think you were doing telling Eric he could stay with you here before even talking to me? I will not have my son staying in your love nest!”
“Eric is staying with me, Roman,” Marlena calmly answered, completely ignoring the rudeness of his statement.
“No, he is not. Not if you are staying with him,” John bristled, barely containing his anger. He knew that a fight between him and Roman would be the last thing that Marlena needed.
“Roman, I think you should leave now,” John interrupted, his aggravation at Roman’s persistence apparent in his expression. He took Roman by the arm and prepared to walk him to the door. Roman yanked his arm from John’s grasp and speared him with a glance. He turned back to Marlena, who calmly answered his protests.
“I did not make this decision, Roman. Eric did. He doesn’t want to stay with you. After what has happened between the two of you I can’t say that I blame him,” She explained. Roman was furious, his anger now burning like a forest fire. Nothing could control it at this point.
“He is a child. He is not capable of deciding who he should live with. Just because he wants to stay with you doesn’t mean that that is the best environment for him. Living with an adulterer is no place for a child,” Roman shouted. Marlena knew she deserved his anger, but she couldn’t stand the implication that she and John were still involved in some torrid affair.
“First of all, Roman, Eric is no child. He is 15 and he is quite capable of deciding with whom he would like to live. He doesn’t want to leave Sami, but after the brawl between the two of you the other night, he refuses to live with you. He also wants to keep an eye out for me and he and I are closer than you and he will ever be. He needs to be in an environment where he feels loved. He can get that with me. Secondly, John and I are not still having an affair. That ended some time ago. He is helping me find a place to live because I am carrying his child. There is nothing else between us,” Marlena’s statement was quite vehement, as if she were trying to convince both him and herself. John and Roman both winced at her statement.
“There’s nothing between you, huh? Then why did Sami find you kissing in my house?” Roman accused. Marlena’s face went pale. John resumed his role of protector.
“We don’t have to discuss our actions with you, Roman,” John answered.
“It’s MY house. And MY daughter walked in on it and you don’t have to discuss it with me. She’s MY wife, John, she will answer my question,” Roman demanded. Marlena began to feel a slight pain in her abdomen. Fear filled her eyes as she shot a frightened glance up at John. John could tell she was in pain and moved to her side. It was time for Roman to leave. John grabbed Roman by the arm again. This time he was not taking no for an answer.
“That’s enough, Roman. You are leaving now,” John’s voice was confident and cool. He would not allow Roman to upset Marlena any further.
“We never meant to hurt Sami,” Marlena’s voice trembled as she began to cry. Her voice fell upon Roman’s retreating back. He acted as if he hadn’t heard, but after a moment’s thought, he whirled back around.
“You keep telling me you never meant to hurt anybody, but then you keep doing things like this. If you really loved me and our children like you say you do, these things wouldn’t happen,” Roman chastised.
“I do love you and I love the children, but . . .” She let her voice trail off.
“I know, I know you just couldn’t help yourself, right? I’ve heard that line before, Marlena, and I am still not buying it. Any hope you may have had in saving our family just went down the tubes. I don’t care anymore. Sleep with John all you want, but do not expose our children to it. Eric will move in with me or he will move in with Mom and Pop,” Roman answered furiously. He turned to go, shaking off John’s arm as he walked. Marlena jumped from the couch, ignoring the pain searing through her stomach.
“Please don’t leave like this, Roman. We can work things out,” She pleaded.
“No, we can’t, Marlena!” Roman shouted, four letter words swimming in his brain as he stared at the woman before him, the woman who had once been the core of his universe. He felt no love now, only contempt.
“Then let’s keep it between ourselves and keep the children out of it. Don’t punish Eric because you’re angry at me. He needs to be with me. Please don’t take that from him.” She grabbed onto his arm, more for the stabilization it could offer than anything else. Her strength was fading fast.
“I’ll do what I have to do to protect the children from you,” Roman angrily speared her with a glance and shook her off of his arm. Marlena fell to the floor, her arms clutched desperately to her abdomen. John ran to her side.
“Stay with me, Doc. You’re going to be fine,” He assured her, his voice showing more confidence than he felt. Roman turned to find her in a crumpled heap upon the ground. For the first time, he began to feel remorse for his actions.
“Get me to the hospital,” She whispered hoarsely. John dashed to the phone and dialed the doctor’s number. He glanced down to see a small pool of blood forming at Marlena’s feet. She was losing the baby. He lifted her into his arms as gently as possible and took off for the hospital, without a word of explanation to the dumbfounded Roman.
“Dear God, what have I done?” Roman asked, a tear trickling down his cheek. He dropped to his knees and offered the most genuine prayer he had ever uttered. “Oh. God, please don’t let Doc die. Please save her. I never meant to hurt her.” And he was off, following in John’s footsteps once again. Not for the first time, he felt painfully inadequate in John’s shadow.
John stood outside the hospital room, watching helplessly as the doctors and nurses worked feverishly over Marlena’s pale body. No smiles or looks of encouragement passed across the room, which caused the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach to grow ever larger. Nervously, he ran his fingers through his hair, wishing that he would wake and find it had all been one horrible nightmare. A slight cough behind him caught his attention. He turned to see a shaken Roman standing behind him. Behind Roman stood a concerned Kim. Apparently, Roman had called Kim.
“How is she?” Roman whispered. His remorse was apparent, but remorse wasn’t enough for John. He was going to lose his child, a child he had already bonded with and loved deeply, and he might lose the one woman who he loved more than life itself. Without them, his life meant nothing. No, Roman’s remorse just didn’t quite cut it this time.
“They haven’t come out yet. It doesn’t look good for either of them. Marlena lost a lot of blood on the way here,” John answered. “You know, Roman, if you had just left when I asked you to none of this would have happened. I told you she couldn’t have any more stress but you just kept pushing. What were you thinking threatening to take Eric from her? Eric and Marlena need one another,” His voice was quite but laced with bitterness. Protectively, Kim began to position herself between the two men to prevent an altercation in the emergency room.
“No, John, none of this would have happened if you hadn’t slept with my wife!” Roman’s voice rose with contempt for the man standing before him. He would not allow John the satisfaction of an apology. “And what Marlena and I do with our son is none of your business!”
“When the stress of your taking that son threatens the life of my child, it becomes my business. If my child dies or if Marlena dies it is all your fault. I hope you can live with yourself!” John’s voice cracked as he turned back around to watch the doctors working on Marlena. Roman said nothing. He angrily stalked across the waiting room and thrust himself onto one of the couches.
As long as he thought someone was watching he had to keep up that front of anger or he might collapse. He would never be able to live with himself if he had caused Marlena’s death.
Kim placed a gentle hand on John’s shoulder. He didn’t turn, he knew that hand from years of comforting he had received from his sister. He covered her hand with his own and continued to stare into the crowded exam room. A tear slid down his cheek as he thought of the possible outcomes of this situation. He knew that saving the baby was out of the question. Marlena had lost too much blood. There was no way the doctors would be able to save the baby now. That thought cut him to the bone, but the thought of losing Marlena frightened him more than he could even comprehend. He couldn’t even begin to imagine life without her. Since he had come to Salem, his world had revolved around Marlena. When he thought she had died in that plane years ago, it had nearly killed him, but he had the children to cling to, his and Marlena’s children. Or so he had thought. But now he would have no part of her to cling to. He would be alone. He just didn’t think he could stand life without her.
Kim could see the emotions in John’s eyes. Her heart broke for the anguish that he was in, but she too was helpless. No matter how much she wanted to fix things for him and for Roman, she couldn’t. The damage had been done and now Marlena was paying for the mistakes of them all. Poor Marlena, always broken and bruised by life’s cruel twists and turns. Kim only prayed that Marlena would emerge from this twist as strongly as she had all the others she had faced over the years.
Dr. Morgan quietly exited the exam room, her eyes never lifting from the tile floor. Instantly, John was at the door, awaiting news of Marlena and the baby’s condition. Roman too had joined them almost immediately. Dr. Morgan turned to face both men, her expression one of utter misery.
“How is she?” John asked desperately. Dr. Morgan shook her head.
“Marlena is not doing well. She is unconscious and is bleeding internally. We have two choices. Since Marlena is unable to make this decision for herself, Mr. Brady, and since you are her husband, I will leave the decision to you,” John cringed. This was his child and he was being denied the right to make any choice for its future. Kim placed a restraining hand upon his back, knowing the anger and frustration he must be feeling.
“What are the choices?” Roman calmly asked.
“We can administer blood clotting medicine and pray that it stops the bleeding. If we do this and it is successful, both she and the baby should be fine. The other choice is to perform an emergency Cesarean section. Without the added stress on Marlena’s system from the baby, the bleeding should stop and Marlena should recover well.”
“But that baby is too small to make it outside of the womb,” John interrupted.
“The baby will probably not survive if we perform surgery. But if we don’t we might lose them both. I’ll leave the decision to you. I’ll be back in five minutes. If you don’t have the decision made, I will have to make it for you,” Dr. Morgan disappeared back into the room. Roman walked away, dropping back onto the couch to think.
“What do you think you’re doing letting her leave this decision to you?” John shouted angrily. His eyes were filled with tears. His entire life was hanging in the balance and Roman was being given the right to determine its outcome. He was tired of Roman’s decisions determining the course of his life.
“She’s my wife,” Roman answered plainly, trying to keep any sign of emotion from his voice.
“You planned on remedying that as soon as possible. You wanted a divorce, remember! That is my child in there and the woman that I love. You have no right to make this decision without me,” John’s anguish tore at all standing nearby. Kim brushed away a tear as she moved to intervene. She knew deep in her heart though that if John decided to fight with Roman, nothing would stop him. A man in as much pain as he was could not be reasoned with.
“John, I am as worried about Marlena as you are. I don’t want to fight you. Not now. We can make the decision together,” John and Kim both glanced up in surprise. That was certainly not the response that they had expected.
“Thank you,” John muttered, his bewilderment apparent in his expression. Nervously, he ran his fingers through his hair again, mentally turning the two possibilities over and over in his head. His heart wanted him to tell the doctors to use the meds to stop the blood so it would save his baby and Marlena. But his gut told him that doing that would be a futile attempt to prolong the inevitable. The baby would die and so would Marlena. His heart broke at the choice he knew he must make.
To Roman, there was no decision. Marlena would have the surgery. He was only allowing John’s participation to pacify him. He had made his decision the instant the doctor had given him the choices. To him, it seemed elementary and, oh so picture perfect. Without the baby, it might be possible to rebuild his family. He broke into a smile at the thought of it.
John caught Roman’s smile and knew where Roman’s thoughts were headed. He knew how simple this decision must be for him. Get rid of the baby and Roman’s life could go back to normal. He could kiss up to Marlena and she would return in an instant to preserve the family she had destroyed. But for John, it was not so simple. He was not simply choosing to end his child’s life. He was choosing to end a dream, the dream of sharing a child with his one true love, of building a future around that child and around their love. His decision would end that dream. It would end that child. And it would end their love as she chose to sacrifice her own needs for those of her family. She would never let herself love him again. He knew that deep in his heart. But none of that mattered. It simply couldn’t matter. Marlena’s life came first. They had to do what they could to save her.
John could see a shadow heading towards them. He knew the time had come. He must now tell the doctor to take the child. He glanced up to see Roman staring at him. Roman wondered what John was going to say. Softly, John whispered. “Save Marlena. Don’t worry about the baby, just save Doc,” John’s voice broke and a cascade of tears fell down his cheeks. Armageddon had come and soon John’s world would be destroyed. He rose and walked to the window, unable to listen to Roman’s instructions to the doctor. He could feel his connection to his child and to Marlena fading fast. As he heard the doctor walk away, he spun on his heals, racing after her.
“May I be in there?” He fired. Dr. Morgan looked confused. “When you perform the surgery, may I be in there? I need to see my child, even if it’s just for a few moments. Please,” The desperation in his voice sent shivers down Dr. Morgan’s spine. She nodded blankly, taking a few moments to clear her thoughts.
“Yes, y . . . yes, of course,” She stuttered. “Follow me and I’ll show you where you can scrub up,” John paused, his mind advancing at a breakneck speed.
“wait just a minute, I need to speak to my sister,” He begged.
“I’ll go on. Just tell the nurse at the station who you are and she’ll show you where to go,” John nodded his agreement and hurried back to Kim. He took out his wallet and thrust it into Kim’s hands.
“I need you to do something for me,” He informed her.
“Anything,” She felt good to be of use. “What can I do?”
“Go down to the gift shop and buy one of those little cameras that already has the film inside. Pay whatever you have to. It doesn’t matter how much it costs I need to be able to take the baby’s picture so Marlena can see. She would die if she never got to see her child,” Kim brushed back a tear as she nodded. John was always thinking of Marlena’s needs. He was right. It would kill her to know that she never got to see her child. Kim squeezed John’s hands and smiled.
“Of course. I’ll hurry,” John instantly took off down to the nurse’s station. “John,” Kim yelled. He turned around. “I’ll say a prayer for you all.” John mouthed thank you and ran down to the smiling nurse sitting patiently at the desk.
“I’m John Black,” He informed her.
“Follow me, Mr. Black,” She led him to a washroom and showed him where his scrubs could be found. He quickly scrubbed himself and threw on the blue scrubs. The nurse smiled at his efficiency and showed him to the operating room where Dr. Morgan had already transported Marlena to. Slowly, he entered, uttering millions of silent prayers as he walked. His breath caught in his throat as he saw her lying there. Her porcelain skin was whiter than snow and her body looked lifeless. He knew in that instant that he had made the right decision. His child would be greatly mourned, but its mother was irreplaceable. And without her, he would surely die. He barely listened as Dr. Morgan informed him where to stand. Like a zombie, he moved to his position and watched as the anesthesiologist began to administer a local anesthetic to Marlena’s abdomen. A nurse appeared beside him, handing him a camera.
“A woman asked me to give this to you, Mr. Black,” Her sympathy was apparent in her voice.
“Thank you,” He whispered, unable to move his eyes from Marlena’s lifeless body. He only prayed she felt no pain. He stood there for what seemed like hours as the doctor carefully made the incision into Marlena’s swollen abdomen. Then he watched in awe as he spotted the first glimpse of his precious child. Seconds became hours as he waited for the doctor to remove the baby. His eyes grew wide as he heard his child’s cry for the first time. He had never heard a more beautiful sound in all his life and he knew it would live in his memory long after her star had faded. She was so tiny, so frail, so helpless, yet so perfect. He could not remove his gaze from the perfection before him. She was beautiful, tiny but beautiful. The doctor held her up for him to see. He could barely see through the tears clouding his vision. “Can I hold her?” He pleaded. Warily, the doctor nodded, placing the tiny baby in her father’s large hands.
John gently rocked her, brushing the mane of black hair from her eyes as he stared down at her.
“So this is what true love looks like,” He whispered. He could not get over her beauty. Her tiny fingers reached out and grabbed his finger clinging tightly to it. Her blue eyes stared knowingly up at him, as if she knew she didn’t have long. “I love you, little one, and so does your mommy,” He cried. Dr. Morgan stepped back to his side.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Black, we need to take her now,” She gently extracted the baby from John’s hands. He felt his heart being ripped from him.
“When will I see her?” His desperate cry rang out.
“In a few moments, we need to run tests on her and get her hooked up to machines. She is having difficulty breathing. And it appears that her heart rate is pretty weak,” John hated the thought of his precious child living her last moments attached to some machine twice as big as she was, but he knew they had to do what they could to help her stay here as long as she could.
“Wait, can I please take her picture without the machines?” Dr. Morgan nodded and held the child up for him. Her blue eyes glistened as he snapped the picture. Then, she was lost in a multitude of doctors and nurses. He watched as they sewed Marlena back up and then he slipped down the hall to the nursery as they wheeled Marlena to recovery. He could see the doctors working on the baby. She remained separate from all the other babies. All these babies were so big compared to her and yet none of them compared to her beauty. He swore he had never seen such a beautiful child.
Kim appeared behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He turned and enveloped her in a giant hug. His body shook with sobs as he held tightly to her. Kim could not stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks as her body shook in response to his. His heartbreak was killing him. After a few minutes, he pulled himself together and turned back to the window.
“That’s her,” He pointed to the child surrounded by a myriad of medical personnel. “She’s so beautiful, Kim,” He cried.
“How long does she have?” Kim asked, knowing that a child born at this stage didn’t stand a chance of surviving long.
“They didn’t say, but I know it’s not long. I just want to be there with her, “He whispered, his heart longing to be beside his child.
“Stay here. I’ll see if I can get you in there,” Kim took off, planning to use any pull she might have at the hospital to give her brother a few moments alone with his child. She found Dr. Morgan heading towards the waiting room. “Dr. Morgan,” She called. Dr. Morgan stopped and turned back around.
“Kim, how is John?” She asked.
“Not good. How long do you think the baby has?” Kim asked her former colleague.
“An hour at the most. Her lungs and heart are undeveloped. She can’t breathe on her own and her heart needs the machines to pump for it.” Without John there, Dr. Morgan found it much easier to be frank.
“Can he be with her?” Dr. Morgan shook her head.
“No, with all those machines attached to her, he can’t hold her or anything.”
“With the machine’s help will she eventually be able to make it on her own?” Kim asked.
“No, I don’t believe so,” Dr. Morgan’s lip trembled.
“Then please let my brother spend her last moments with her,” Dr. Morgan weakened.
“We’d have to take her off the machines completely. We’ll need his permission. Where is he?” Kim led the doctor back in the direction of John. John jumped at the sight of the doctor, leaving his position as sentry at the window.
“Dr. Morgan, can I see my child? I need to hold her one last time,” He cried.
“In order to do that, we’ll have to take her off all the machines.”
“With the machine’s help will my daughter live?” he asked, fearing the answer.
“No, she will just live a little longer,” The camera which John had been clinging to for dear life cluttered to the ground. His hands came to his face covering his crestfallen expression. The simple action brought tears to both Kim’s and the doctor’s eyes. He loved this child so much. His decision was really simple. He would take her off the machines and hold her as she slipped away.
“Let me hold my daughter,” He stated.
“Are you sure, Mr. Black?” Dr. Morgan asked.
“I’m sure. Take me to her,” Dr. Morgan led him into the nursery and Kim followed carrying the camera which she had retrieved from the ground. Dr. Morgan instructed the nurses to remove the baby from the machinery providing its lifeline. The nurses stared at her in confusion, but obeyed, then watched as the doctor placed the tiny baby back in her father’s hands. They quickly grabbed a rocking chair and placed it beside him. He sank into it, slowly rocking back and forth. Everyone disappeared from the room except Kim who snapped a few quick pictures before she followed everyone else. They all watched from the adjoining room as John slowly rocked back and forth, back and forth. For a moment, he held her against his giant chest, treasuring the closeness he felt with his baby girl. Slowly, he lay her in his arms and rocked her back and forth. He just had to be able to see those brilliant blue eyes shining up at him. Those eyes gave him hope and a little peace. The audience who had gathered on the other side of the window collectively drew a deep breath as John made such a tender movement. They counted the seconds as the child’s chest rose and fell with labored breaths.
John began to softly sing a lullaby to the beauty in his arms. The song surrounded the baby in love and for a moment a smile crossed her tiny features. The soft notes seemed to lull her to sleep as her tiny eyes began to close. Tears streamed down John’s cheeks as he watched her slipping further and further away. It wouldn’t be long now. Her breaths were coming much less frequently and they seemed to pain her even more. He continued to sing to her, praying for God to gently sweep his newest angel into his bosom.
Kim watched from the window, barely able to hear John’s sweet lullaby. She had never heard a more beautiful song. She was sure of it. She absently brushed at a tear as she watched her brother slowly rock his precious angel to sleep.
As the final strains of John’s song faded into oblivion, he looked down to see her eyes close. Her chest had fallen the final time. She was gone. Gently, he lowered his face, inhaling deeply of the scent of her, trying to permanently imprint it on his mind. Then, tenderly he placed a kiss upon her tiny forehead.
“Goodnight, my sweet one. Your mother and I loved you more than you’ll ever know. May your journey be as blessed as I have been to hold you in my arms,” He choked back, his tears falling upon the soft pink blanket surrounding her. “Goodnight,” He lifted her up to the waiting nurses hands. He collapsed, his sobs echoing miserably across the room. “Good bye,” he moaned. “good bye.”
****
From Beth:
As an added bonus Farnaz wrote this poem for me. It is so touching I just had to share it with you all. It is from John’s point of view as he spends his last fleeting moments with his baby girl. Hope you enjoy as much as I did.
Sweet, sweet girl
With eyes of blue
A smile like your Mom
How I love you
Sweet, sweet love
You stole my heart
With the first beat of yours
When I found you are mine
Sweet, sweet darling
You are a true love
Captured in a beauty
Seen with eyes of all
Sweet, sweet angel
I don’t want you go
I love you with all of me
I can’t let go
Sweet, sweet love
You are one of a kind
Invaluable and priceless
A gift just for me
Sweet, sweet darling
I know its time to go
But before you do
May I hold you more?
Sweet, sweet heart
Your Mamma loves you dear
She’ll miss you so much
But she’ll know that you were here
Sweet, sweet baby
I’ll always remember
How it felt to hold you
Even for a short while
Sweet, sweet angel
You’re flying away
To the light up above you
There you’ll say
Sweet, sweet darling
Take our love with you
Know that you were born
Out of a love pure and true
Sweet, sweet angel
Close your eyes
And as you do darling
Know you’re deeply loved
Sweet, sweet dreams
My dearest gift of all
Sweet, sweet slumber
Your pain will now be gone
Sweet sweet angel
I hear the bells ring
And as you receive your wings
I have to say good bye…….
Poem written by Farnaz Faghihi E. 1998
John sat silently by Marlena’s side. His night long vigil by her side beginning to manifest its signs upon his haggard face. His face was covered with a short shaggy beard and his eyes were swollen and bloodshot. He looked as if he had been through a war and indeed he felt as if he had been. Only hours ago, he had bid good bye to his precious angel. Already, he felt as if it had been a lifetime. He worked his best to keep the memories fresh in his mind so that he could share every detail with Marlena when she awoke, but with each passing second it became harder to recall the little details. His heart ached at the thought that in time, he may not even remember the sweet way his daughter had smiled up at him, how her blue eyes had penetrated him, how her soft smile had comforted him. But at least he had memories, even if they would fade with time. Marlena had not even been allowed that. He wished things had been different. He wished she had been conscious to see their child for the few moments that God had blessed them with her presence, but it was not to be. Marlena’s only memories would be the photos that John and Kim had taken. He was thankful that God had given him the wisdom to think of that. At least, it would give Marlena something to cling to.
He glanced back down at her. Her expression was blank and her features colorless. The doctor had promised them that Marlena would recover nicely. She would awaken soon, Dr. Morgan had assured him. But hours later she still had not opened those beautiful hazel eyes. His heart broke with each second she spent away from him, in some unconscious land. He needed her with him. He needed to feel close to her. He needed her to hold him as he mourned the loss of their baby and he needed to hold her as she did the same. But all of his needs and wants went unanswered as she remained in her world of silent sleeping. His strength slowly began to slip from him.
He dropped his head in his hands and began to cry, unable to keep the tears from his eyes any longer. He could not get the image of his daughter being eternally whisked from his arms by well-meaning doctors and nurses. Her limp body was dwarfed inside their giant hands. He had only wanted to spend a few more moments with her, or forever. He could have accepted either gladly, but it hadn’t happened that way and she was gone. Forever, she was gone. He felt himself dying along with her. Deep in the pit of his stomach, pain rolled through, threatening to divest him of his breakfast. As he thought back to his precious few moments with the baby, he could hold his stomach no longer. He ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. He retched until his body could handle no more. Then he leaned back against the wall, his body heaving with the giant sobs escaping his lips. A soft sound at the door caught his attention. He looked up to see Eric staring down at him with eyes of compassion.
Eric dropped to his knees and enveloped his father in a loving hug, wishing he could lift the heavy burden from his father’s shoulders, wishing that he could turn back time and change the events of this wretched day. John held tightly to his son, clinging to his only living connection to Marlena. The pain of the entire afternoon, of his entire lifetime baring down upon him with frightening reality. John was so tired of the people he loved being torn from his side. Everyone he had ever loved had been taken from him, Isabella, Eric, Sami, Carrie, Caroline, Shawn, and, of course, Marlena, everyone it seemed except Brady. And poor Brady was being left with a shell of a father due to all of the devastating losses that John had suffered.
Eric held tightly to his father, knowing that no one else from the family would venture to offer the comfort that John needed. Everyone else viewed the baby’s death as somewhat of a blessing. Eric had even heard Roman telling Shawn that maybe he and Marlena could work on repairing the family now since the baby was no longer between them, as if that baby were the only separator between Roman and Marlena. Eric’s heart ached for John’s loss as he tried to ease the pain. John continued to cry, his utter agony resounding throughout Marlena’s hospital room.
Marlena’s eyes slowly fluttered open. An unfamiliar sound assaulted her ears. It was crying, no not crying it was moaning as if the person were in sheer misery. She knew that voice. It was John. What could have John so devastated, she wondered. Suddenly, she began to feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and she knew. She glanced down at her slender stomach. Her breath caught in her throat. The baby was gone. A silent tear trickled down her cheek. Softly, she whispered John’s name.
Eric and John both heard the hoarse whisper. They jumped from the bathroom floor and raced into the room. Both men were filled with delight to see Marlena awake. They ran to her side, flanking her on either side. The tears in her eyes told them that she knew. Her pain was evident. John took her hand and sat beside her.
“I lost the baby, didn’t I?” She whispered, terrified of the answer he was sure to supply. Eric took her other hand in his own, hoping to provide her with an added degree of love and support as John delivered the devastating blow of reality.
“She didn’t make it, Doc,” He whispered, tears sliding down his cheeks. Marlena searched his face for answers. How did he know their child had been a girl? Had he seen the baby?
“She? Was it a girl? “She tentatively pressed. John nodded, knowing he would have to recount his few precious moments with the baby and yet dreading the pain it would cause Marlena to know that he had spent time with the baby when she had been denied that blessing. He glanced up at Eric, dismissing him with a glance. Eric nodded and placed a gentle kiss upon his mother’s brow. John and Marlena needed time alone to share their pain. Eric was more than willing to escape the misery riding through the air in the small room. Yet he could not help but linger outside of the door. Silently he uttered a prayer for his mother’s strength and slid to the ground, his own tears creating a waterfall down his fair cheeks.
“John, tell me what happened,” She pleaded. John squeezed more tightly to her hand and drew a deep breath.
“On the way to the hospital, you lost a lot of blood. The doctor told us that we had the option to try to use blood clotting meds to stop the bleeding or operate. She said that an operation would give the best odds for you to pull through. We knew that if she performed the operation the baby would not make it, but we couldn’t risk losing you . . .”
“Who’s we, John?” Marlena asked, quite confused by his choice of words. “Roman and I,” John forced Roman’s name from his lips, a fresh wave of nausea accompanying it. Marlena flashed back to the loft. Roman’s angry words rang through her mind, his furious expression haunted her. Roman had not cared if she lost the baby. He had pushed even when John begged him not to. How could a man who loved her do such a thing?
“Why did Roman involve himself in the decision? “She asked.
“The doctor gave him the choice. You are his wife,” Marlena nodded, not quite sure she understood but desperate to hear the remainder of the story. “Anyway, the doctor said the only way to ensure your safety was to perform a cesarean section. Roman and I both agreed we had to do what would save you,” She nodded, comprehension slowly dawning upon her. Her life had been saved in exchange for the life of her child. A wave of overwhelming guilt spread throughout her body.
“Please tell me more,” She prodded. John nervously ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes, trying to find the words that might make the rest of the story a little less painful for them both, yet knowing that there were no words to accomplish such a monumental task. When he opened his eyes, he found her eyes already brimming with tears. This was going to be even harder than he had expected. He drew another deep breath and started again.
“The doctor performed the surgery and allowed me to be in the delivery room. I had to be there with you and I had to see the baby. The surgery went well, but the baby was just too small. They wanted to take her away from me right away, but I asked to hold her. She was perfect. Ten tiny little finger, ten tiny little toes. Long black eyelashes that fluttered nervously at all the bright lights She fit in the palm of my hands. I held her for only a few minutes before they whisked her away and hooked her up to a million machines that were so much bigger than she. She looked so helpless. I had to just stand by and watch. She was dying in one room and you were unconscious in another and I was dying too, knowing that the baby I had loved with my entire heart had been stolen from me. All’s I could do was pray and that just didn’t seem enough,” Marlena slowly nodded.
John had seen their child. The overwhelming emptiness spreading through her began to hollow out her soul. John had had a chance to see their child and she had not. And now she would never have that chance. She may have at one time wished that she hadn’t been pregnant, but not now. She had grown so attached to her baby. She had loved it so much and now it was gone. And she’d not even had the chance to say good bye. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the pillow. “Doc, I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me too,” He whispered.
“But you at least got to see the baby,” She cried, her hands clenched in nervous fists at her side. John reached down in the drawer beside the bed and removed a pack of pictures. Kim had taken the pictures to the one hour photo shop to have them developed. She had wanted Marlena to be able to see the baby as soon as she awoke.
“I knew that this would be killing you so I did everything I could to make it easier. We took some pictures. I know it’s not the same, but it’ll make things a little easier,” John pushed the pictures toward her. Marlena reached for the pictures, holding to them chest as if her life depended on them. She removed them from the packet and began to savor each tiny detail of the baby. Tears flowed down her cheeks.
“Oh. . . she’s beautiful,” Marlena choked back, chewing upon her lip to keep the tears from flowing any further and clouding her vision. John smiled proudly. “Yes, she was,” Marlena cringed at the use of past tense. She was beautiful and now she was no more.
The pain inside her reminded her of the loss of DJ, but at least she had gotten DJ for awhile. She had gotten to hold him and kiss him, but this baby had just been ripped from her womb and was now gone forever. She felt as if she would die.
“How long did she live, John?” She asked, still not having looked at any other pictures than the first picture. She needed to memorize every detail before moving to another picture. “About half an hour. She died in my arms,” He cried. His blue eyes flooding with tears. Marlena’s broken heart reached out to him. She squeezed tightly to his hand, wishing she had some words of comfort left inside her, but knowing that nothing remained inside her except pain. In the past three days, her entire world had been torn from her. She had lost her husband, her family, her friends, her children and now this. She didn’t think she was strong enough to handle this loss. Not this time. She glanced back down at the pictures. John was holding the tiny baby girl in his hands. She seemed almost doll like. Her blue eyes shined up at the camera. Marlena choked back a tear. The ocean blue color of her eyes were just like John’s.
“She has your eyes,” She whispered. John nodded blankly, unable to say anything through the tears clogging in his throat. “And your hair. It’s so thick.” Marlena marveled.
“She had your chin, Doc, and your nose and the most heart-warming smile just like you and she had your strength. She fought till the very last minute. She was such a fighter for such a little one,” John whispered, turning his head to hide the onslaught of tears that he was quickly succumbing to. Marlena flipped through the pictures, holding each one to her chest for a moment, as if she could feel her daughter by holding her picture close to her heart. With each picture, she realized how painfully inadequate this substitution was. It was wonderful to have these pictures, but nothing compared to holding your child in your arms, telling it how much it was loved, kissing each one of its perfect fingers and toes, singing it to sleep. She stared down at the last picture, John’s face was so mystical and his lips were open. He was singing to the baby, she could tell. Marlena took John’s chin in her hand and pulled his face toward her.
“Thank you. For the pictures, for making her last moments so love filled. For giving me some piece of her to hold on to,” Her hand trembled as she spoke. John covered it with his own. “Thank you for giving me the most beautiful baby in the world. You could not have given me a more precious gift. Thank you, Doc,” His tears fell upon both of their hands.
” I just wish we had gotten to keep her even for a little while longer. I just wish I had gotten to see her,” She cried. John pulled her into his arms. Her head fell to his chest, washing his shirt with her tears. He wished he could have given her some time with the baby. He wished he could change the way things had happened, but no matter how hard he wished, nothing would change. His sweet angel was gone forever. His heart would mourn the loss forever. After many long minutes of crying in one another’s arms, a voice startled them both. They turned to see Kim standing in the doorway.
“I’m sorry to interrupt. I know you two need time alone to deal with your pain, but I just talked to Dr. Morgan and they want to know if you want to have a funeral for the baby. I thought it would be better for me to ask. I’ll take care of all of the arrangements if you decide that’s what you’d like to do.” John and Marlena looked at one another. The thought hadn’t even crossed either of their minds.
“I g . .guess so. Just a small family thing for us and Eric and you and Brady,” John answered. “Just so we can say good bye properly,” Marlena nodded her agreement.
“Okay, I’ll tell Dr. Morgan. I’ll take care of everything,” Kim sweetly replied. She turned to go, but then whirled back around to face them both. “I am so sorry for you both. I can only imagine your pain. You’re all in my prayers,” She whispered, turning to leave before she started crying.
“Thank you, Kim,” Marlena whispered. “Thank you for everything.” “It’s the least I can do. I’ll come back by later. Take of one another, okay?” They both nodded. Kim exited as quickly as she had entered.
“Well, that brings up a question, Doc. We’ll have to name her. What do you want to name the baby?” He asked. Marlena really didn’t even want to think about this right now, but knew it had to be done.
“I don’t know. What should we name her?” Her mind was drawing a blank. “How about Angel Evans Black? She was our little angel. Here on loan from heaven for awhile,” He whispered through silent tears. “I like it,” She answered. “I only wish our loan had been for longer. I just wish I had gotten to hold her, to smell her, to kiss her,” She cried. John’s eyes misted as he began to detail the last few minutes with their baby.
“She smelled like baby powder. I can never remember such a divine smell. It tickled my nose. And she could rest right in my hands. She smiled when I rocked her. When I kissed her, she tasted like baby oil. She was softer than a pillow and tinier than the dolls Sami used to collect. Her diaper nearly swallowed her whole. And she liked it when I sang to her. She just drifted away as I sang, like she were taking a nap. I guess she was really. It’s just she woke up in heaven, not here,” John’s words made things a little easier for Marlena. If she closed her eyes, she almost pretend that she too had gotten to hold their baby. She could feel her and smell her. But when she opened her eyes, it faded all too quickly, replaced by an even heavier sense of loss. John sensed her pain and pulled her close again, smoothing her hair and whispering words of comfort. In his arms, she felt safer and a little less sad. She closed her eyes and settled against him, falling asleep before she even knew it.
Roman stood outside Marlena’s room, watching John comfort Marlena. He had expected everything to fall into place, but it wasn’t turning out that way. Marlena was devastated by the loss of her child. As he stood there watching the grieving parents mourn the loss of their child, he could hear John’s words echoing in his head. “If my child dies . . .it is all your fault. I hope you can live with yourself.” Roman began to realize for the first time, that Marlena’s pain could have been avoided. If only he had listened to John, he could have saved Marlena this pain. But he hadn’t. And now he may have lost her forever because of his stupidity. He slowly slipped away from the door, giving up the hope of visiting her. Now was not the time to try to rebuild his family when her world had just fallen apart.
John lay Marlena back against the pillow and settled in beside her. He kept her nestled against his chest, providing her with all the love and comfort he could humanly supply. He closed his eyes and pretended for a moment that she was his. Then he slipped into a dream world where she could indeed be his and where his family could be whole.
The soft candlelight bathed Sami in its gentle warmth, its brilliant beams dancing off the tears sliding down her fair cheeks. She stared up at the cross hanging at the front of the church, silently wishing that some divine intervention would turn back time, before she hurt her mother, before she told her father everything, before her father pushed her mother too far, before the baby died. It was all her fault, she knew that. Even though she had wished that the baby had never been conceived, she would never have wished for it to die. She had stood outside the nursery watching John’s silent agony as they carried his child away and for the first time in a very long time, she felt regret, genuine heartbreaking regret. Eric had stood by her, watching as well, the anger and loathing in his gaze was apparent as he turned to face her.
“You did this,” He had whispered with contempt lacing his voice with thickness. “You killed our sister,” He had spat.
As soon as John had exited the nursery, Eric had rushed to his side and Sami’s presence had gone unacknowledged. They left her alone to face to truth of her part in the baby’s death. She felt as if her entire heart were been torn to shreds. Her own brother blamed her for their sister’s death. If he blamed her, how would John and Marlena ever be able to look at her with anything other than contempt? She had quickly tried to throw up the front of anger, to justify to herself that they were paying for their crimes, but no matter how hard she rationalized, she could not condone her behavior. Her actions had set a chain of events in order that had caused the death of her baby sister. She no longer sat mourning the loss of her family, playing the pity game with herself. She realized for the first time how truly selfish she was and the truth hurt.
“God, please forgive me. I never meant to kill anyone, not really. I just hurt so badly that I wanted everyone else to hurt like me. But I never meant for this to happen, never,” She cried. Her long blonde hair stuck to her damp cheeks as she bowed her head in shame. She did not even feel worthy to approach God with her problems. She had killed. She hadn’t gone out with a gun and shot anyone or anything that brutal, but she had killed just the same. She had gone to the pub and told her father the entire truth, knowing what he would do if he knew. She had slapped her own mother and not regretted it, but now, well, now things were very different. And if she could change her actions she would, oh would she. She remembered the feeling she had felt as her hand had seared her mother’s hot flesh. The pure joy, the white hot anger had coursed through her veins as potent as any drug on the market. It had pushed her and prodded her, making her spew vile words of anger and hatred, making her destroy the woman who had given her life. And she had enjoyed every minute of it. As she recalled her actions, her stomach churned. She did not even know the person she’d become. The Sami she knew, had always known, had loved her mother and John and Roman, she would never deliberately hurt any one of them. But this Sami was different, much different. She had hurt them all and taken perverse pleasure in their pain. “Oh, God, what have I become?” She cried, her voice echoing through the hospital chapel. The person standing at the back of the church wondered much the same question. With tears in his eyes, he started toward her, knowing that he faced her possible wrath at his intervention, yet knowing that he could not watch her in such torment.
“You are a beautiful young woman who has endured more hardships in her years than most people twice her age,” Sami whirled around to find John standing in the middle of the aisle. She had expected to find anger in his eyes, bitterness in his voice, but as she stared at him, she found none, only compassion. Through his pain, he was taking time to reach out to her. His cheeks were ashen and his eyes were painted an unnatural shade of red. His beard shadowed most of his face in blackness. His shoulders were slumped with exhaustion and yet here he was standing before her offering the olive branch. Well, he had taken the first step, she knew she must take the next. Gingerly, she cast a glance up at him, her tangled mind struggling for the appropriate words, words that would heal, rather than words that would tear down.
“I’m so sorry, John,” She cried. She turned her face to hide her tears from him. Gently, he dropped to the floor beside her and took her chin in his hand.
“You didn’t use to hide your tears from me,” He whispered, staring into her blue eyes that were so like his own. He would have sworn that she was his own child just looking into those eyes, but no matter how much he wanted her to belong to him, she would never truly be his daughter.
“I’m not a little girl anymore. That was taken from me long ago,” She responded, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice. John’s heart twinged at her words, knowing that life had forced them all to age long before their time.
“I know that. I would give it back to you if I could,” He was trying so hard to bridge the great divide that had been created between them. It wasn’t easy for him to lay so much of himself on the line, but he had just lost one daughter and he was going to do everything in his power to never let that happen again. “Sami, you know that what happened was not your fault,” He whispered. She could hold back her tears no longer.
She didn’t know that. In fact, she knew the exact opposite. She had killed her baby sister and she deserved to be punished in the most extreme manner. “Samantha, heaven just couldn’t wait to get our baby so they had to take her from us,” His childlike answer fell flat.
“John, I am not a child and those stupid excuses that heaven wanted her don’t convince me. I know why she died and so do you. I killed her,” She spat. John placed his hands on her upper arms, his eyes piercing her tortured soul.
“You did no such thing. The baby died. It was not your fault. Do you understand me?” His voice was so firm it frightened Sami.
“No, John. I don’t. I know that I killed her. I wanted her out of our lives. I wished that she had never existed. I yelled at Mom and upset her and then I told Daddy everything. And that caused her to lose the baby. I thought this was what I wanted, but I was wrong. I don’t want this. All’s I want is to take back the past few days. I want to take back the words I said to my Mom and I want to take back hitting her and I want to take back all the horrible things I said to you and Eric and I want to take back ever telling Daddy anything. But no matter how badly I want all that it will never happen. I have become an awful horrible person and I deserve to be the one who died, not the baby,” She rambled. John said nothing in response. He gently leaned forward and pulled her into his embrace. She struggled at first, unwilling to surrender her pain just yet. Quickly, though, the comfort of his arms was just too welcoming and she let her head fall to his chest, her hot tears soaking through his dingy shirt. “I’m so sorry, John. I never meant to become this person. I never meant to be like this,” John smoothed her tangled hair from her face and gently shushed her.
“I know, angel, I know. Sometimes we react like we never thought we would when life smack us in the face. You were hurting. Your responses were completely normal,” He whispered, the sound of her cries nearly drowning out his words.
“It doesn’t matter if it was normal it was wrong. I was wrong,” She felt so vulnerable, sitting there in John’s arms the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. Who would’ve thought she would ever surrender her pain so quickly?
“Sami, you can’t dwell on that.”
“John, I’m so sorry that I hurt you and that I killed the baby. I would bring it back if I could,” She looked up at him, her blue eyes brimming with sincerity.
“I know you would and so would I,” His own tears were lingering dangerously close to escaping his swollen lids.
“John, please do you forgive me?” She begged.
“Forgive you? Of course I forgive you. You’re my little girl and you will always have my forgiveness. But may I have yours? I hurt you very deeply. I violated your trust and my actions have broken apart your family. I never meant to do any of it, but that doesn’t make it okay. I am sorry, Sami, very sorry,” She nodded her head, unable to deal with anymore right now.
“I can’t forgive you right now, John. I want to very much, but part of me is just so very angry at you for hurting us all like this and for taking my mom away from me,” The last part had slipped. She hadn’t wanted anyone to know the root of her fears.
‘I didn’t take your mom, baby. Never. Your mom still loves you very much,” He pleaded with her for her understanding.
“If she loved me so much, she wouldn’t have sacrificed our family for you. She chose you over us,” Sami turned from him, her pain nearly eating her alive.
“Oh, baby girl, that’s not true. Your mother would never choose anyone over you. . .”
“She chose Eric. He is leaving with her and she chose you too,” She cried.
“Samantha, your mother did not choose Eric. He just needs her more than you do.”
“But I need her too. And she doesn’t love me enough to stay,” John’s heart broke at Sami’s inaccurate perceptions of the difficult situation.
“Sami, your mother had to leave. She was leaving because it was best for everyone. If she stayed things would eventually turn bitter between your dad and her. She doesn’t want to lose your family for anything. Maybe in time things will work out between them but right now she needs to be away. And you need your dad. You’ve always been his right hand. And you were so angry at your mom. Remember you told her you were staying at the pub until she was gone,” Sami remembered her harsh words. “She was just trying to do what was best for everyone.”
“That’s not true or she wouldn’t have kissed you in our house!” Sami countered.
“Sami, sometimes things just happen. You don’t have time to think about them or reason against them. They just happen. You may regret them later, but you can never change them. That kiss between me and your mom just happened. We never meant for it too and we certainly never meant for you to walk in on it and get so hurt. We can’t change it though,” He answered. “Do you understand?” Sami slowly nodded.
“John, do you regret her kissing you?” John froze, telling a lie was not acceptable, but the truth was going to hurt her. How could he make her understand that he loved Marlena, but he only wanted her happiness? If she chose Roman, he would hurt, but he would console himself in her happiness. Therein, lies the essence of true love.
“No, Sami. I know that hurts, but I don’t. I regret that you were hurt by it, but I could never regret a moment that I spent with your mom,” He explained. Sami slowly nodded.
“Then you don’t regret sleeping with her?”
“I regret that others were hurt by it,” He answered.
“I see,” Sami responded, genuinely trying to understand his viewpoint.
‘Sami, I know all of this is hard for you to understand, but I love you mother. More than life itself. I was her husband once and I was your father once. Your father coming back didn’t make any of my feelings go away. I will always love your mom and I will always love you, but it’s not my place to love her anymore. I forgot that for awhile, but I am going to try to remember it in the future. But no matter what I will always love you and I will always regret hurting you,” He gently squeezed her arm.
“Just like I regret hurting you and Mom, right?” She asked.
“Right, but dwelling on it isn’t going to help anyone. You need to accept that none of this is your fault. You are just as innocent as the rest of us. We’ve all made mistakes, but we can’t change them. We just have to go on,” She smiled up at him weakly.
“Thanks, John.”
“For what?” He asked, confused.
“For loving me and showing me to forgive others and myself,” He wrapped her in a warm hug.
“Your welcome. That’s what fathers are for,” He whispered. Roman stood at the back of the chapel, his eyes wide with horror. His only ally had just crossed over to the enemy. Furious, he turned and fled the chapel, his ideas of praying for Marlena lost in a wave of anger.
*************
Marlena sat in the vacant room, staring at the wall with vague intensity. The pervading emptiness of the room bore a hole into her being, leaving her feeling alone and frightened. She had begged John to get out for awhile. He looked so worried and heavy-laden with burdens that she had to send him away to find some peace away from her. And she too had needed some time alone, but she hadn’t figured on being so lonely. Her hand absently roamed to the place where her daughter had once rested. She grabbed the picture of the baby form the nightstand and warmly surveyed it.
“My sweet, Angel,” She whispered, holding the picture to her heart. She couldn’t but feel guilty. She had made so many wrong choices and each of those choices had led her tiny baby girl down the road of death. Marlena felt guilty for making it when their child had not. John and Roman had chosen to save her at the expense of the baby. That thought shook her to the core. She had had such a full life, even if it was troubled, and the baby had not even had the chance to enjoy life. She was sure that making that decision had cost John dearly. He had wanted that baby so badly. He loved it with his entire being and he had been forced to choose between his precious child and that child’s mother. Marlena couldn’t help but wonder if they had made the right decision. She had caused everyone so much pain maybe they would all be better off without her. She shook her head, trying to banish the painful thoughts from her mind, but as the tears began their silent march down her sunken cheeks she realized that her attempts were being made in vain.
She turned her head to peer out the open window. A slight breeze blew in, tingling her hot flesh. The sun shined deceptively bright. Its taunting beams seemed to mock her in their delight as she faced the agony of losing her second child. Losing DJ had hurt badly, she would have never wished that pain on anyone. But losing this baby was different. Angel had been conceived in an illicit love, the result of years of pent-up passion. Marlena had regretted her actions again and again and even wished that she had never conceived the baby. God had given her that wish in a round-about way. He had taken Angel from her and never allowed her the chance to even see Angel’s sweet face, to hold her close and feel the soft rise and fall of her chest as she labored for her last tortured breaths. Marlena figured it was her punishment. John had never wished Angel away and he had been there as Angel entered the world. He had held her tight and sang her to eternal sleep. The punishment now bestowed upon Marlena was killing her. Emptiness now replaced Angel’s growing form in her mother’s womb and no matter how hard Marlena wished her return she was gone, forever.
Tears cascaded down her cheeks, glimmering in her hazel eyes as the sun danced across her features. She wondered how the world could go on now. She had caused her own child’s death. Quickly, she closed her eyes, praying for peace to sweep over her troubled mind. She opened her eyes to see the sun had disappeared, reaffirming the eternal loneliness that Marlena would forever feel.
“Oh, God, please help me. I don’t think I can go on this time,” She whispered desperately, swiping at the tears that presented a constant annoyance to her. She closed her eyes again and tried to relax. She imagined herself holding Angel in her arms with John hovering proudly above them both. Eric, Sami and Carrie surrounded her congratulating her and John on the arrival of the newest family member. No bitterness tinged voices. No broken dreams or shattered hearts. They were the perfect happy family. As quickly as the image appeared, it disappeared, leaving Marlena more disappointed than ever. Her heart sank and, as she looked at the picture held tightly in her balled fist, she felt a piece of herself die. The picture fluttered to the floor as Marlena began to sob.
“Goodbye, my sweet Angel,” She choked. “I will always love you.”
Carrie Brady absently pulled her hair into a haphazard ponytail as she slowly meandered down the hospital corridor. A million different phrases, accompanied by nearly as many conflicting emotions, raced through her head as she tried to decide how to talk to Marlena. Part of her ached for Marlena’s loss and, indeed, felt as if her own sibling had died only hours before. However, the remaining part of her was filled with anger and hurt. Marlena and John had betrayed her. She had always trusted them both completely, felt that she could turn to them despite what might be going on in her life, but now she just wasn’t so sure. They had torn away at the foundation of her trust and had shot down her belief in love and marriage. And as she walked down the long lonely hallway, she realized that their deception had taken nearly everything from her. But yet, somewhere deep inside a memory stirred. A childhood memory of days spent with John and Marlena when they had thought he was Roman. They had been so in love. They had taught her how to love and trust. They had showed her how wonderful true love could be. Yet, their love had been banished in the blink of an eye as the result of some blood tests. So, he wasn’t Roman Brady? What did that matter? They loved one another and in the eyes of the law they were married, weren’t they? Carrie had always wondered how they could have put their love aside so easily. Now she knew they had never really accomplished that difficult task and everyone was paying for it. Roman was devastated. Sami had resorted to petty acts of revenge and Eric hovered around everyone trying to fix the entire mess. And Carrie, how was Carrie handling it all? She hadn’t even seen anyone in days. She had shut herself in, refusing to deal with the inevitable pain that would come when she was forced to deal with the situation. And now here she was in the hospital trying to prepare herself to either accept or reject Marlena and John and, frankly, right now she had no idea where she stood.
She heard her name echoing through the hallway and turned to find Eric heading towards her. His lanky frame seemed even thinner than usual and as he drew nearer she could see bags surrounding his eyes. Those eyes were so much like his mother’s and often sparkled a golden color just as Marlena’s, but today all the gold in the Leprechaun’s pot would not bring that sparkle back into Eric’s eyes. As soon as he reached her, he pulled her into a bear hug. His body trembled with anguish as he held tightly to his sister. She had always been his and Sami’s anchor. She had helped Marlena care for them when they had lost Roman and when they lost Marlena she had helped John through the most difficult times. Her childhood had been spent changing diapers and filling bottles, but she didn’t seem to mind. She loved Sami and Eric and wanted to see them grow into strong people. Today Eric didn’t feel so strong.
She pulled back and looked into his eyes. She had always had the ability to read his soul. It was as if he shared a connection with Carrie even stronger than his connection to Sami. He found a kindred spirit in Carrie. She had gained many of Marlena’s best qualities and Eric had always perceived her as a sort of surrogate mother. He guessed that her ability to read him so well stemmed from all the years of playing Marlena’s role as well as her own. He tried to smile, but knew she could see right through his strong front. As a tear slid down his cheek, she grabbed his hand and led him to a nearby waiting room. After checking to make sure they were alone, she pulled him to the couch and sat down beside him. With eyes full of compassion, she turned to him and whispered.
“Talk to me,” His lower lip quivered and he turned his face to hide his pain. “I can still see you.” She whispered. He just shook his head. He just couldn’t look at her or he would never be able to stop the tears and talking about it would only make things more difficult for him. “Okay, I’ll start. I’m angry at John and Marlena for doing this to us. We trusted them and they betrayed us, not just Daddy, but all of us. And I’m angry at Daddy for treating you and Marlena the way he has for the past couple of days. And I’m angry at Sami for adding fuel to Daddy’s fire until he couldn’t resist confronting John and Marlena. And I’m devastated for John and Marlena’s loss. I feel like I lost my sister too. And I understand why they did what they did because I remember how much they once loved each other. And I feel like I am betraying Daddy for having sympathy for John and Marlena. Does that about cover how you feel?” Eric chuckled emptily. She hadn’t left anything unsaid. He nodded, still finding words a little more than he could handle. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a minute, trying to calm himself. When he opened them, he found the warmth in his sister’s eyes just enough to help him open up about his pain.
“I remember times when we were little when John was Roman and Mom and John were married. I remember how happy we all were. We were the perfect family. Mom and John were so in love,” He stared wistfully across the waiting room, the hint of romanticism in his voice undeniable. “They never fought like Mom and dad. John never put his work above Mom or us. He loved all of us unconditionally and gave us everything he could. Then I remember Mom being gone and John was so lost without her for so long. You took care of us most of the time or Grandma did. John couldn’t function without her for so long. I remember some times at night I’d wake up and be in his arms and he’d tell me how much he loved me and how happy it made him that I was so much like Mom. Sometimes when we’d be playing, he’d just kinda stop and stare at me like he saw her in me and I’d catch him wiping away a tear. He always said it was dirt in his eye, but I knew. John never stopped loving Mom, even when he was with Isabella he still loved her. I could see it in his eyes each time he would look at Mom’s picture. He’d get all misty-eyed. Then everything went haywire and Mom was back and so was Dad and John was suddenly not our Dad anymore. And the pain in his eyes was different now. Sometimes, he’d catch me and hug me so tight and he wouldn’t say it but I knew he was thinking how much he missed us all and how much he loved us. And everyone once in awhile Mom would look at him and you cold just see how much she still loved him. She tried to make things work with Dad, but it was like after John nothing compared. Dad constantly put work before all of us and wanted her to fit into his image of her. He never wanted her to be herself, even though he always said he did. We weren’t a family then, not really.,” Eric whispered, his emotions surfacing in a manner Carrie had not witnessed in many years.
She was shocked at his memory of his childhood, but could not disagree with a word that he said. It was all true, which made Carrie’s emotions all the more complex.
Eric was allowed to show compassion and understanding and support for John and Marlena. He was Marlena’s son after-all. However, Carrie did not have the luxury of blood-ties with either Marlena or John. She often felt closer to either of them than she did with her real father and mother, but those feelings did not simply make them her parents. Her mother hadn’t minded Marlena’s taking on of the maternal role-model in Carrie’s life. She had often been too busy with her own life to even send Carrie a birthday card.
But Marlena had never forgotten. Marlena was the one who for years was the one who quieted Carrie’s fears and wiped away the heartbroken tears. And when Roman had “died” Marlena was the one who stayed by Carrie’s side, taking care of her and helping her cope with such a severe loss. Even when Marlena’s own pain was almost more than she could bear, she never turned Carrie away. Then John had come into their lives and Carrie had originally resented him so much.
She hated the thought of him taking Roman’s place. When they finally learned that John was Roman, she had even refused to believe. After awhile though, John won her over, as he did with everyone. And Carrie grew to love him and trust in him and share all her secrets and pains with him. When they had learned the truth, Carrie remained close to him, often going to him before Roman, a constant source of problems between her and Roman. Roman was hurt by her reliance on John. In many ways, he wanted to pretend that all the years of his absence in her life when John had been the only one upon whom she could rely had never happened. John was not her father and therefore should no longer hold any place in her life. But that wasn’t true. He held just as big a place in her heart as Roman did. And Marlena held just as big a place as Anna did. And now Carrie sat here, torn by her feelings of love for both of her fathers and both of her mothers, wondering which was worthy of her support. All had betrayed her at some point in time.
She could give no one a perfect score in Parenting 101, that was for sure. But picking and choosing which betrayal deserved a betrayal in return was almost more than she could bear. Turning away from John and Marlena when they needed her most was a genuine devastating betrayal, but offering her support and love seemed like betrayal of her father. She was so confused. Eric turned to her and silently surveyed her. She had been quiet for quite some time.
“Whatcha thinking?” He whispered.
“I was trying to decide how I feel about all of this. Who should I help, you know all that fun stuff. If I help John and Marlena, daddy will be hurt. But if I don’t help them they will be hurt and they both have helped me through some of my most difficult years,” Eric nodded his understanding, even though he found it difficult to unearth sympathy within himself for his father’s pain. “What do I do, Eric?” She whispered, tears brimming in her bright eyes. Eric wrapped an arm around her and held her for a moment. Then with a purposeful look in his eyes, he helped her stand and pointed her in the direction of Marlena’s room.
“Room 345. She’ll make everything okay. She has a way of doing that,” Carrie nodded, knowing in her heart that she must go see Marlena. She squeezed his hand one last time and headed in the direction he had pointed. He smiled warmly, Marlena’s smile, and blew her a playful kiss. He had a way of lightening her mood on rough days. After a long trip through the maternity floor, Carrie finally found Marlena’s room. The door was open and sunshine was pouring into the hallway from the open window. Carrie tentatively peeked around the window, her heart racing and her palm sweating. She could feel her stomach flipping back and forth as she slowly stepped into the room.
Marlena was resting. Her hand dangled off the bedside apparently reaching for the picture lying discarded upon the floor. Carrie crept to the bed and picked up the picture. The slight noise caught Marlena’s attention and her eyes flew open. Although she was apparently in agony over her loss, she gave Carrie a warm smile, the smile she saved for only her children. Carrie’s fears instantly melted away and she slid into the chair beside the bed.
“That’s Angel,” Marlena whispered. Carrie brought the photo close and stared at it. She couldn’t believe how tiny she was. The giant hands holding her dwarfed her and the brilliant blue eyes shining at the camera seemed to overshadow the remainder of her tiny features. The eyes were nearly haunting in their brilliance and seemed more knowing than many of the adults Carrie had met. Her intense gaze at the camera caused Carrie’s breath to catch in her throat.
“She’s beautiful,” She whispered as she passed the picture back to Marlena. Marlena smiled sweetly and held her hand out for Carrie to come closer.
“Thank you,” Marlena grasped Carrie’s hand with utmost tenderness, her touch displaying only love and tenderness for Carrie. As Carrie glanced up into Marlena’s gaze, she saw the same look in Marlena’s eyes as she’d seen in Angel’s. Marlena knew Carrie’s pain. Without a word exchanged between them, Marlena knew and she would have given anything to eliminate that pain. Carrie’s eyes began to fill with tears. Tears for Angel and for John and Marlena and for Roman and Sami and Eric and for herself. As she struggled to keep the tears from spilling, Marlena tenderly squeezed Carrie’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Sweetie girl.” Carrie chewed on her lip as she nodded her head. She knew Marlena was sorry, but that still couldn’t erase the pain coursing through her body.
Marlena’s heart broke at seeing her strong daughter so helpless. Carrie was always in control. She had been since the day that they had met, but now life was spiraling out of control for Carrie. Her faith and trust had been betrayed by two of the people who had shown her how to have faith and trust. Marlena ached at having brought such pain to Carrie, at having tossed Carrie’s world upside-down once more. Carrie’s eyes were glossed over with agony. She was obviously fighting anger, upset and devastation. As Marlena watched Carrie’s silent battle, it became clearer and clearer that Carrie may not be able to remain in control this time. She couldn’t fix things for anyone, not even for herself. She had refused to allow herself to feel this way, Marlena knew, but this time it was inevitable. As her lower lip began to quiver, she dropped her eyes to the floor. The least she could do was keep Marlena from having to witness her break-down.
“Carrie, you don’t have to hide your tears from me. I know you’re hurting, sweet girl. I know you’re disappointed in me and in John. Your entire world has been rocked by this. Your pretending it hasn’t doesn’t fool me. And I know it took a lot for you to come here. You must feel like you’re betraying your Daddy,” Carrie nodded, surprised as always at Marlena’s uncanny ability to read her. “Honey, I want you to tell me how you feel.” Carrie stood.
She slowly sauntered over to the window. She absently stared at the people, rushing around on the street below. A small family caught her attention. The mother watched proudly as the daughter raced into her father’s arms. The father lifted the little girl high into the air, swinging her as her laughter echoed across the distance. Then he settled the little girl against his chest, cuddling her with utmost tenderness. The smiles on all three faces nearly broke Carrie heart. That was a perfect family. That was what she had always wanted, yet had never been allowed to keep. Every time she thought she had found it, it was ripped from her just as quickly as it appeared. Each time had left Carrie a little more vulnerable, a little more frightened that she might never have a real family. And now, she knew that her childhood fears had come true. She had lost her last chance at a real family. She shivered, chilled by the thought. She hugged her arms to her chest and turned to face Marlena, anguish marring her perfect features.
“I’ve never really had a mother, you know?” Carrie’s statement surprised Marlena. She had always thought that Carrie had the utmost respect for Anna. “My mom didn’t love me enough to stay with me and last time I visited her, it was clear I was just in the way. It was like I was a burden to her,” She nervously fiddled with her ponytail as she sat down in a chair across the room from Marlena.
“Carrie, that isn’t true. Your mom loves you very much,” Marlena insisted, knowing in her heart though Carrie had never been Anna’s first priority.
“Yeah, that’s what she says. I didn’t believe her and I don’t believe you. My mom loves me when its convenient to love me,” Marlena lay in the bed, feeling helpless, wishing with all of her might that she could take Carrie in her arms and hold her. “And I never had a Dad long enough either. Every time I got him back, somehow he was taken from me. I was always family-impaired. But I finally thought I had a family, a real family one that would last forever. Dad loved you and you loved him. You’d worked out all the problems and were making a real family for all of us. But now all that’s gone,” Carrie’s voice grew faint as she stared blankly at the window.
“It’s not gone, Carrie. You still have a family. We all love you and we’re still a family, just a different kind of a family.”
“Well, I don’t want a different kind of a family. I’ve always had that. I just want a normal family. Where people don’t die and then return form the dead, and other people aren’t brainwashed to believe they are someone who they aren’t and people aren’t constantly trying kidnap or hurt someone I love,” Carrie’s passionate plea echoed across the hospital room with haunting clarity.
“We all want that, Carrie,” Marlena whispered.
“Then why did you do this, Marlena?” Carrie’s question was not laced with anger or bitterness, just sadness. Marlena’s heart felt ready to burst.
“I’m so sorry, Carrie. I never meant to hurt anyone. My feelings were just too strong to deny any longer. What I did was wrong and I hurt everyone and I’m more sorry than anyone could ever know. But that won’t fix it. Nothing can fix it.” She responded sadly. Carrie’s eyes took on a nostalgic look as she began to remember bits and pieces of her childhood. She had tried to banish them for years, pretend that she hadn’t had happy times when Roman was gone, that John and Marlena hadn’t made her very happy and one another very happy. But as she sat here, she knew that it was pointless to deny them any longer. John and Marlena had been happy with one another. Carrie had sensed their attraction to one another long before they found out he was Roman. Carrie had even somewhat resented him for it. But she had grown to love him and her bond with him was undeniable and unbreakable. She had shared things with him which she had never shared with anyone else and he was the only one in her life who had never let her down, until now. She knew that just as he had found it in his heart to forgive all the awful things she had said and done while growing up she must find it in her heart to forgive him and offer her love and support. Just then a knock on the door halted her journey down memory lane.
John stood in the doorway, his eyes bloodshot, his appearance even more haggard than Marlena’s. He looked like he had just visited Hell. In many ways, he had. His eyes lit up at seeing Carrie by Marlena’s side. He managed a weak smile and started towards her, trying to feel out whether she bore Sami’s anger or Eric’s forgiveness. Gingerly Carrie stepped forward, fighting the fear and anger brimming in her own heart to help heal the fear and anger and hurt of the man whom she loved more than anyone in this world.
“I’m so sorry, John,” She whispered through the lump of tears in her throat. Tenderly, she enveloped him in her arms, holding tightly to him as if her entire life depended upon this moment. John’s tears began to fall, slowly at first, but then transforming into cascading waterfalls of misery. His frame shook with the magnitude of his sobs. Marlena instantly turned her gaze to admire the picture decorating the wall. Watching John in such pain was just more than she could handle.
Carrie’s tears mixed with John’s in a puddle upon the floor. She had never seen anyone in such pain as John and it broke her heart. She whispered words of encouragement, all the while knowing that nothing could penetrate the wall of pain surrounding John’s broken heart. When his tears finally seemed to slow, she pulled back and looked deep into his swollen eyes.
“I love you, Daddy. I will always love you. We’re going to get through this, all of us are. Everyone’s been hurt, but we’re going to make it. I promise,” John wondered how a child not biologically Marlena’s could possess so many of her finest qualities. He glanced up to see Marlena swiping tears of her own. With all the love he could muster for both of these women, he whispered.
“You’re right. Everything will be all right again, someday,” Marlena caught the promise in his words and clung to it for dear life. She nodded her head slowly and held tightly to the picture of Angel still in her hands. In spite of everything they had lost, they still had one another. With a small smile, Marlena agreed with him, giving John hope for a future with her after all. Carrie slipped to the bed and held both of her surrogate parents hands.
“I love you both and no matter what I will be here for both of you always. You’re the mother and father of my heart and I will never let anything like this stop me from loving you,” A smile passed between the three of them as did a warmth and a hope for the future. There together even in their pain, everything did seem to be all right.
Roman waited near the chapel as a silent and apparently repentant Sami slipped out the door. He longed for the aura of peace that seemed to surround her with its angelic glow. The part of him that had vanished upon hearing the news of Marlena’s betrayal had taken with it his peace. He was beginning to wonder if it had taken his sanity from him as well. With silent anguish wreaking havoc upon his chiseled features, he struggled to maintain composure long enough to avoid Sami and slip inside the chapel. He prayed that he might find some peace for his weary soul inside the candlelit room. His heart felt as if it would burst beneath the load it carried. Unconsciously, his hand covered his heart as if his touch could bring healing to the brokenness lying within.
As snatches of the past few days began to slowly replay themselves within his mind, he began to wonder who had taken control of him and had stolen the role of Roman Brady from him this time. It certainly wasn’t John, he realized, but his own self, driven by a futile obsession to rid himself and his children of the influence of both John and Marlena. When Eric had begun to exhibit characteristics of John, Roman had tried to pummel the image of John from Eric’s face. He knew deep down it wasn’t Eric he was trying to hit, but the pieces of John which would permanently reside within Eric. The pieces that Roman could never extract, the pieces that Roman in all his feeble attempts would never be able to fill.
He had been fighting with every fiber of his being the realization that his wife and children loved John. They didn’t love John because they thought he was Roman. They loved him because he was John and he fulfilled a need which Roman could never fill, had really never truly tried to fill. He had been so busy trying to recapture what had occurred in the past to accept that things could never be the same. He couldn’t accept deep down in his heart that his entire family had been willing to believe that some man who bore no likeness to him could be Roman Brady. To compensate, he refused to deal with it, pretended that his missing years had never occurred. It had been all too easy for him to force his family to do the same. However, he hadn’t realized the irrevocable damage that had been done to their family unit by ignoring the past rather than accepting it and attempting a fresh start. He wondered if Marlena would have had the affair had she been allowed to admit that her feelings for John were real and genuine. Had she been allowed to deal with all of that with his love and support things might have ended differently. Or maybe they might have never ended afterall.
A sudden thought occurred to him as he sat there. Mere days before he had been overjoyed at the impending birth of his and Marlena’s child. Now Marlena sat in a hospital room mourning the death of that child. He had felt guilty for causing Marlena’s pain, but never till now had it occurred to him that it could have just as easily been his child that died up there. That sweet angel that slipped away in her father’s arms could have been his own. He could have been the man desperately attempting to hold on to the fleeting apparition of that angelic child. She never committed a single sin and now she was gone, forced to bear the punishment for the sins of those around her. And he had caused it. His foolish pride and Irish temper had allowed him to hurt the one person whom he loved more than life itself, Marlena. And her pain would last forever. A small portion of her heart would always belong to that child and she would always mourn its absence, just as she did DJ’s death. And that little baby had been denied life by his foolishness. His heart, which had felt unbearably heavy before, felt as if it were ripping at the seams. He had caused a death. Suddenly, the desire to be with Marlena was overwhelming. He needed to be near her, to make her understand how truly sorry he felt and how desperately mortified he felt at the thought of life without her. He needed some of the peace and calmness he had always seemed to find abundant in her presence.
He nearly ran from the chapel, racing up the nearest stairwell to the maternity ward. He glanced at his watch. It was still early, but something in him told him she would be waiting for him. Whether she realized it or not, she would be waiting. He rounded the last set of stairs and threw open the door. More than a few curious nurses turned to watch the disheveled Roman Brady make his entrance onto the floor. One nurse, who had been apprised of the delicate situation between the Brady’s, hurriedly dialed the number that Mr. Black had left in case of an emergency.
“Black, here,” John answered. His voice thick with sleep. He glance up at the alarm clock to see that it was just now 7:00. He had been asleep only minutes. What could have happened? His heart began to race in terror as his mind passed over every imaginable scenario of devastation that could wait at the other end of the line. The caller’s hesitation frightened him even further. “What do you need?” He impatiently shouted. The nurse started.
“Mr. Black, this is Taryn Bradford. I am a nurse on the maternity floor. You left instructions to call if there were any problems with Dr. Evans,” John could stand no more.
“What’s wrong with Marlena?” He barked.
“Nothing, Sir. I just thought you’d like to know that Mr. Brady just went down to her room. He looked rather, well, rather worn. And he didn’t appear to be in the best state of mind,” She answered.
“Roman’s there?” John was bewildered. He hadn’t seen Roman since they had come to their ever difficult decision. John knew that he must have been there, but he had suddenly become invisible. That he would suddenly make an appearance startled John.
“Yes, sir, Mr. Brady is here,” She repeated cautiously.
“Is there any problem?” The nurse glanced down the hall. She heard no loud noises or shouts of anger.
“No, I guess not. I just thought there might be and that you’d like to know,” She courteously responded.
“Well, thank you so much for calling. I will check with Dr. Evans and see if she is all right. Is there any way that you could transfer me to her room?” John wanted to avoid another confrontation with Roman if possible, yet he could not help but do his best to play protector for Marlena.
“Yes, of course, please hold on,” The nurse dialed the number and waited for a response.
Marlena glanced at the ringing phone, her bloodshot eyes clouding with tears at the sight of Roman hovering in her door. He looked like death. She signaled for him to have a seat, her voice suddenly having taken a leave of absence. He dismissed her with a nod and stood silently in the corner. At the third ring, he quietly whispered.
“You better get that. It might be important,” She obeyed, reaching for the phone with a trembling hand. She softly cleared her throat to rid herself of the unshed tears and whispered hello.
“Doc, are you okay? What took you so long to answer?” John immediately prodded. Marlena’s face lit up at the sound of his voice, a sight that the heartbroken Roman did not miss. He knew whose voice caused that brightness. Only John could cause that light in Marlena’s eyes. Unconsciously, he had noticed that years before, but never had it really struck him as the warning signal that it should have been.
“I’m fine. I have company. Roman came to visit,” She cautiously answered, trying not to let Roman know who was on the other end.
“Yes, I know. A nurse got worried when she saw him and called me. Is everything all right?” Marlena was touched at the nurse’s concern.
“Yes, everything is fine. We are going to have a nice quiet talk and everything will be fine,” She quietly answered.
“Why don’t I come down just to keep an eye on things?” John’s concern was getting to be a bit much. Marlena simply could not handle another fiery confrontation right now. He had to stay away right now.
“NO! No, that will not be necessary. We’re fine. You get some rest. You look like you haven’t slept in days,” She replied, her own concern for his well-being not far behind her need to resolve things with Roman.
“Well, look who’s talking. Have you looked in the mirror lately, babe? You don’t look so hot yourself,” He teased. She smiled, turning her head from Roman’s view. Roman felt as if he could wretch.
“You take care of you and I’ll take care of me okay. Listen I need to go. Thanks for your concern but everything really is all right,” She whispered.
“Okay, Doc, if you insist. You promise you’ll call if you need anything?”
“I promise.”
“Okay, then take care of yourself. Don’t let him push you into talking about things if you’re not ready,” John instructed.
“I’m a big girl and I know how to take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for years. Go to bed. I’ll talk to you later. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Doc,” He whispered, hanging up the phone as the dialtone rang loudly in his ear. “I love you,” He breathed, wishing with his entire heart that he were free to share those words with his precious one. “One day,” He whispered. “one day . . .”
John pondered Marlena being alone in a hospital room with Roman. The nurses words rang in his ears. “I just thought you’d like to know that Mr. Brady just went down to her room. He looked rather, well, rather worn. And he didn’t appear to be in the best state of mind.” Roman had already caused Marlena so much pain. It was time to bring an end to his era of terror on Marlena’s fragile psyche.
John threw on his jeans and a rumpled T-shirt and rushed down the stairs, pausing only momentarily to peek in on a sleeping Brady. A twinge of guilt spread through him as he realized how he’d neglected Brady in the past few days. He promised himself that he’d change that as soon as possible. Right now, Marlena needed him and that was the only thing that mattered. He had to protect her from the fiery lash of Roman’s tongue. He kissed his fingers and ran them across his sleeping son’s forehead and slipped back out of the room.
“I love you, Brady. I promise things will be better soon,” He whispered as he exited.
*********
Roman nervously hung back near the door, wishing he had made his escape during her phone call. He had never felt quite so uneasy in her presence. Her warm eyes invited him to come closer, but he could not move. His feet froze as he attempted to join her at the bed. He dropped his eyes to the floor, a wide array of confusing emotions assaulting him at once. He tried to speak, but felt his throat go completely dry and every intelligent thought abandon him as his met her intense glare.
“Roman, I’m glad to see you,” She wasn’t lying. She was angry at him for pushing her to the limit when John had warned him that she was having difficulties with the pregnancy, but she still loved him. She couldn’t deny that anymore than she could deny her feelings for John. And she wanted more than anything to clear up any resolved issues between them. “Carrie and Eric stopped by,” He still said nothing. “They are such wonderful kids. We really did a wonderful job with them,” Those words stung Roman.
“Who’s we, Marlena? You and I or you and John? Who made those children wonderful? I barely spent any time with any of them and I will regret that for the rest of my life. I wish that I could take credit for their upbringing, but you know as well as I that that would be denying the past, something that has caused us all a load of problems. I think it’s time all of us begin facing what happened in the past. I made everyone pretend it didn’t happen and now our lives are a mess. Maybe it’s time for a change,” Marlena was astonished at Roman’s bluntness. She wasn’t sure how to reply to his statements. Everything he had said had been true, painful but all too frighteningly true.
“What kind of a change?” She tentatively whispered.
“I want you and the kids to feel free to acknowledge the love that you all feel for John. Part of me hates him for attempting to take over my life, but part of me realizes that he was a victim as much as the rest of us. He lost everything when those DNA tests came back. And he did it gracefully. I don’t think I would have been able to do the same,” His voice tapered off as he stared into the distance. He had never stopped to imagine what life would have been like if those tests had come back differently. He knew deep in his soul that he would never have been able to surrender Marlena without a fight, even if that’s what would have been best for them all.
“What exactly are you saying, Roman?” She prodded, unsure what to make of his statements.
“I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you try to forget all those years with John and that I dismissed your feelings for him. I’m sorry I got so angry at you for sleeping with him because if I had been more understanding and open that probably would not have happened. I’m sorry I lashed out at you so violently at the loft. But most of all I am sorry that I made you lose your baby. That baby could have been mine, ours. Our chance at a future of happiness together forever. It wasn’t mine, but that still gave me no right to push you to the edge. I love you so much. I just wanted you to understand a little of the pain I was feeling. I wanted to make you hurt like I hurt. And that caused your baby’s death. And I’m sorry so very sorry. I never meant for things to go this far,” He sobbed. Marlena futilely swiped at the waterfall of tears escaping her hazel eyes. Then after a moment, she reached out to him, her slender hand spanning the great divide that had formed between their broken hearts. Roman slowly reached out his own hand, his fingers barely brushing hers. She gently squeezed his fingers, her eyes begging for him to come closer. Gingerly, he stepped towards her, astonished as she pulled him into a tender embrace.
“I forgive you,” She whispered. “You never even had to ask.” He cried as he clung to her. She buried her face in his neck, feeling free to truly mourn for this first time. To mourn the loss of her daughter, the loss of her marriage, and the loss of her children’s unconditional love and trust. Roman’s tender embrace slowly began to heal her wounded heart.
Unbeknownst to the couple, a figure stood in the doorway watching the scene, his own heart renting in two at the picture before him. He had hoped that when everything was said and done that he would be the one to reclaim Marlena’s heart. He wanted to be the one holding her, mending the shards of devastation residing in her soul. As he watched silently, he realized that once again he had misjudged the depth of Marlena’s love for him. Once again, he had been replaced as the love of Marlena’s life by the spectacular Roman Brady, the man who could kill her child and yet instantly be restored to sainthood in her mind. He couldn’t watch any longer. He turned and fled down the hallway, nearly knocking Kim over in his haste to leave.
“Hey, there, slow down,” She laughed. John looked up at her and instantly her laughter vanished. The agony in his eyes nearly took her breath away. She placed a gentle hand on his arm as she spoke. “John, are you okay? Is something wrong with Marlena?” He simply shook his head.
“I can’t talk, Kim. I just need to go,” He ran off, leaving a befuddled Kim in his wake. She quickly headed toward Marlena’s room. As she peered inside, she saw the reason for John’s pain. Marlena sat comfortably resting in Roman’s arms, both looking at peace for the first time in days. Unable to stand the idea of John driving in such a condition, she raced after him, determined to help him through this.
********
John sat sobbing in his cars, the intensity of his sobs causing the car to shake. His mind kept incessantly replaying the scene he had just witnessed as a taunting voice kept repeating “She chose him again.” He had felt as if his heart were being shredded as he watched Marlena in Roman’s arms. How could she choose him after everything that had happened? How? Oblivious in his own sorrow, he did not notice Kim approaching his car. Her gentle tap on the window nearly scared him to death. He shook his head, not wanting to chat with her right now. She rounded the car and climbed inside, knowing he needed to talk with someone right now.
“I know that didn’t look good for you, John. But you have to talk to her about it. Don’t assume you know her feelings or what she wants to do with her future. Their embrace may have just been him trying to comfort her. He does still love her and she loves him. You can’t expect her not to still have feelings for him,” Kim gently spoke.
“I don’t expect her not to have feelings for him!” He shouted. “I just want her to have feelings for me too,” He quietly followed.
“Oh, she does, John. The feelings she has for you are stronger than anything she has ever experienced before. She told me as much. But he is her husband. They have to resolve their feelings for one another before she can make any decisions. If she does choose you, would you want her to come to you still carrying unresolved feelings for him? That would be no better than the way she has been forced to live for the past few years. Give her time and she will work through those feelings. I know she loves him, but I think she will choose you. She would never have risked everything to be with you if she didn’t love you more than life itself.”
“I wish I could believe that,” He whispered sadly. “It’s just I’ve lost her to him so many times. I’m afraid that I just couldn’t handle it this time.” Kim gently took his hand in her own.
“You’re the strongest man I’ve ever known. You can make it through anything. Now quit feeling sorry for yourself and get up there. She is going to need someone to talk to once he leaves. And you need to explain to her how seeing them together made you feel. Be there for her and she’ll be there for you,” He nodded silently, knowing Kim was right. He climbed from the car and headed back upstairs.
“I hope you’re right, Kim,” He whispered to himself as he settled in a waiting room down from Marlena’s room. “I hope you’re right . . .”
As Marlena settled back into the warming comfort of Roman’s strong arms, a myriad of emotions assaulted her mind. Part of her felt so loved and familiar in his arms that she couldn’t imagine ever leaving that comfort, while another part of her still remembered the pain and suffering he had mercilessly inflicted upon the her and her children during the past few days. His apology had not met deaf ears. She really did forgive him, but she couldn’t forget. And yet another part of her longed for the arms around her to belong to John. That part of her ached to be able to show her affection for him publicly, ached to know that he belonged only to her and she only to him. As usual her love for both men made it nearly impossible to choose one. But once again that choice was being presented to her and she must indeed make that decision, hopefully once for always. Roman’s voice interrupted her inner torment, slamming her back into reality. He spoke softly against her shoulder, his words barely audible.
“I love you so much, Doc,” Her heart rose at his use of her nickname again. “I want us to start all over from the beginning. Maybe we can have a baby of our own,” As quickly as it had risen, it fell. She felt like he was insinuating that Angel had been nothing but an inconvenience who could quickly be replaced with a child bearing his genes. She drew back from his arms, her eyes wide with hurt. He sat and stared, unable to decipher what he had said to upset her so.
“We can’t start all over, from the beginning. That’s been the problem all along, Roman. You just want to start over and ignore everything that each of us has been through. We can’t start over. We have to deal with things and start from here. And I’m not sure that that is what I want. You said we could have another baby of our own, like replacing Angel with a child of our own would end my anguish. It won’t, Roman. My daughter is dead, forever. I never even got to hold her. I don’t blame you, but surely you played a part and insinuating that we can replace her hurts me deeply,” Roman’s heart sank. He hadn’t meant it that way. He truly hadn’t.
“I didn’t mean it that way, Marlena. I never want to lessen the magnitude of your pain. I know you’re hurting and I am at fault. I’m sorry. Maybe it was too much to hope for to think that we might be able to create a future for our family,” He wiped a tear as he rose from the bed.
“Maybe,” She answered, her own voice softening at the impact of his statement. She was still angry at him, but her heart broke thinking that things were truly over. “Roman, someone once told me that all things that weren’t meant to be eventually come to an end. I guess this is just our end.”
“No, our end happened when I fell off that cliff. Things have never been the same for us since. Maybe we should have realized that and given up years ago. It would have saved everyone a lot of pain.” He started for the door.
“But we would have lost a lot of happy memories that we shared since then. Things haven’t always been this miserable. We have a lot of happy times to remember. If we would have never even tried again, we would not have those. I wouldn’t trade those memories, Roman. Not for the world,” Roman turned around and smiled cheekily, trying his hardest to keep them both from breaking down.
“Thanks for the memories, Doc,” With that he exited Marlena’s room, managing to keep his composure until he was safely hidden in the stairwell nearby. His sobs echoed miserably through the empty space surrounding him, reminding him of the empty space in his heart that could no longer be occupied by his sweet wife. He felt as if he would die. He slid down the wall until he sat on the floor and buried his head in his hands. “Oh, God, please help me,” He demanded, but the heavens seemed to have turned a deaf ear on his pleas.
John bounded up the stairwell, his heart so filled with hope that he didn’t even notice the distant sound of a man’s sobs until he was standing before Roman. His heart jumped to his throat. Marlena?!? Had something happened to her? Was she okay? John quickly dropped to his knees before his former friend.
“Roman, are you all right? What’s the matter? Marlena’s all right isn’t she?” He questioned desperately. Roman looked up at John, his eyes red-rimmed and lined with misery. John had to be the last person on the face of the earth who he wanted to see right now.
“Marlena’s fine, John. And things couldn’t be better for me. I lost my wife, my children, my family and you helped to accomplish that. Forgive me if I forget to offer my thanks,” His voice was laced with bitterness. John knew if he didn’t leave soon yet another confrontation would occur between them.
“I’m sorry, Roman. I know it can’t mean much but I am sorry. With my entire being, I regret hurting you,” John whispered.
“You’re right. It doesn’t mean much. Please just leave. I prefer to mourn the loss of my wife alone. As opposed to the company of another man’s wife,” The last barb was meant to sting and indeed it hit it’s mark. John cringed, but found the strength within himself to walk away. Neither man wanted another fiery confrontation. Roman was just so lost in his own pain that he couldn’t help but respond in such a manner.
“Goodbye, Roman. I AM sorry for you and your loss. I never meant to hurt you,” John exited the stairwell before Roman could fire another barb at him. John paused outside the door, stopped to collect himself before going to check on Marlena. When he finally felt composed enough to see her, he nearly ran to her room. He could hear the sobs from down the hallway. He was all too familiar with that sound. He knew his sweet Marlena was not in much better condition than Roman. He entered the room to find her nearly hysterical. At the sound of the door opening, she nearly shouted.
“Please leave me alone,” When the person didn’t immediately vanish, she looked up to see John standing there. Never had she been so relieved to see someone in her entire life.
“I’m sorry. I thought you were a nurse.” She tried to collect herself. After a few seconds, she realized the attempt was futile and she abandoned the idea, letting the tears once again fall freely. Within a heartbeat, she found herself safe in his warm arms. Her body seemed to issue a giant sigh of relief as it slowly became easier to calm herself. His giant hand weaved its way through her blonde hair, smoothing the tangles as it worked. His other hand slowly began kneading the knots from her tense back muscles.
“Cry all you want, honey. I am here and I am never leaving you, never,” He soothed. Marlena let herself relax into the comfort that his arms had always offered. Peace began to slowly conquer the turmoil in the battle for her soul. When the tears finally quieted, she looked into John’s eyes.
“It’s over with Roman for good. We decided that things are over,” John nodded understandingly. His eyes probing hers for a sense of how she really felt about this all. So much had happened in the past few days it was hard to determine whether her pain stemmed from ache at a marriage lost despite her desire to save it or just pain at the end of a dream.
“I gathered that,” He whispered.
“How?” She wondered if he could so easily read her soul.
“I saw Roman on the stairwell on the way up. He was pretty torn up. He told me that he had lost you. I’m worried about him, Doc. He seemed so devastated. I’ve never seen him like that before,” Marlena’s heart sank even further at his words. The last thing she needed to hear was that Roman was reaching the end of his rope. “Maybe we ought to have Carrie or Sami check on him.” He suggested. Marlena quickly reached for the phone and dialed Carrie’s number. A cheerful Carrie answered the phone after one ring.
“Hullo,” She chirped.
“Carrie, it’s Marlena. Your father and I just talked and he left here pretty upset. I am afraid that he may do something foolish. I need you to check on him.”
“Okay, where is he? Or where was he headed?” Carrie’s cheerfulness had been replaced with worry.
“John saw him in the stairwell near the maternity ward. You might want to check that out or just anywhere in the vicinity of the hospital.” Marlena suggested.
“All right, will do. And I’ll get back with you later. Take care of yourself and don’t worry everything will be fine,” Carrie assured her. Marlena wished she could believe that. She hung up and cast mournful eyes up at John. He gently squeezed her hand. The picture of Angel laying upon her bedside table caught his attention. His picked it up and stared intently at the beautiful blue eyes staring back at him. His heart twinged at her beauty.
“I miss her already,” He whispered, not even realizing he said it out loud until he heard Marlena begin to cry again. “I’m sorry, Doc. I didn’t mean to upset you again.” He gently wiped the tears from her cheek and smiled as lovingly as he possibly could. “You know what? I have something to tell you. It may not be the best of timing but I need to tell you anyway,” Marlena’s eyebrows rose in curiosity. “I love you, Dr. Evans. And I want to spend the rest of my life just like this, comforting you and loving you.” Marlena’s heart soared. She wished she could voice her own feelings, but something inside prevented her from doing so. “And I can wait to hear you say the same to me. I know you love me, but you just can’t give love away right now. I understand that and I will wait forever for you.” She smiled weakly, ducking her eyes from his view. A tear landed upon his hand and he gently took her chin and raised it until their eyes met.
Their eyes locked, unspoken love riding the electricity between them. Slowly, she leaned forward, not even realizing that she was doing so. She felt John’s lips brush gently against her own, bringing healing with their sweet touch. The kiss stirred feelings in them that both had long thought dead, feelings that could only be brought on by the other’s touch. In one instant, the kiss felt brand new as if they were just beginning a life with one another, while at the same time the familiarity brought peace and comfort. Marlena’s heart swelled with love for this man, this man who loved her so deeply, yet was willing to wait for all eternity for her to return his feelings. She had told Roman that all things that weren’t meant to be eventually came to an end. That’s how she knew she and John were meant to be. Because no matter how far apart they had even been their feelings never stopped. They only grew deeper. She knew deep in her heart that they would be together forever this time.
When John finally pulled back to glance in her eyes, he saw the words he knew she was unable to voice. He finally knew in his heart that she loved him. Above and beyond anyone else, she loved him. He finally knew what it was like not to lose her to someone else and he finally had another chance at happiness with the only woman who had ever completed him. The ringing phone interrupted their intense gaze. Marlena reached for it, fearing it might be Carrie with bad news. Kim’s voice met her on the other end.
“Marlena, I’ve talked with Father Francis and the hospital and made all the arrangements for the funeral. It will be tomorrow afternoon at 4:00. Dr. Morgan said she’d be able to release you by then with your promise to take it easy for awhile. Does that sound okay to you?” Okay would be knowing that she’d get to hold her daughter, that the nurse would bring her down the hall to visit anytime Marlena pleased. Okay was not having to visit her infant for the first time in a casket. But she supposed that there was really no other choice.
“Yes, Kim, that will be fine. Thank you so much for making the arrangements. We just really couldn’t,” She nearly choked on the words.
“I know, I know. You get some rest, okay? You don’t sound good, ” Kim replied worriedly.
“I will try. Thanks, Kim” Marlena hung up the phone and met John’s probing glance. “The funeral is tomorrow at 4:00 at St. Luke’s.” John pulled her into a comforting hug as they both cried, neither able to fathom how they would be able to lay their precious one away in a grave for all eternity.
After many minutes of holding her, John pulled back and looked into Marlena’s eyes. The normally bright hazel eyes were clouded with grief and exhaustion. She quickly tried to mask her pain, but was unable to do so from her soulmate. He wiped a stray bang from her cheek and replaced it with a gentle kiss. She looked questioningly at him.
“I need to go. You’re exhausted. I will be back this evening,” Fear struck Marlena’s heart. She couldn’t imagine spending the day by herself. She knew she’d never be able to sleep and she’d spend the entire day worrying. John couldn’t believe the vulnerability in Marlena’s eyes. She looked downright terrified. “Doc, are you all right?” She nodded dumbly, lowering her eyes from his probing stare. “Marlena?” Suddenly, she peered up at him and whispered.
“Please don’t go. Just hold me,” Her voice was so soft and so helpless. John instantly wrapped her in his arms, settling onto the bed beside her. Her head rested softly against his chest. He smoothed her hair and gently patted her back, trying with every ounce of his being to ease her fears.
Marlena caught the sound of John’s heartbeat and felt her own slow to match it. Her fears began to subside as she nestled comfortably in his loving embrace. Within a few moments, her breathing evened out and she slipped into a land of peaceful dreams. John peeked down at her to see her eyes closed, her lips curved in a tiny smile. His heart skipped a beat as his love for her nearly overwhelmed him. He couldn’t believe he was here, holding the love of his life in his arms as she slept. It all felt like a dream. He pinched himself, but found the pain quite real. So, it wasn’t a dream. He laid his head back against the pillow, feeling able to sleep for the first time in several days. A few moments later, he followed her into dreamland.
Sami stopped by her Mom’s room, finally having found the courage to apologize. The room was dark and the door closed. She gently eased it open and found her mother wrapped in John’s strong arms. Her first response was one of outrage, but as she caught the look of peace coloring her mother’s sleeping brow her emotions became muddled. She slipped back out the door and began to attempt to calm the tempest in her soul. They loved one another. John loved her mother enough to sacrifice his happiness for her own. That should be enough for Sami and yet in so many ways it was not. Her mother was happy with a man who worshipped the very ground she walked on and never asked her for more than she could give. Marlena had been through enough turmoil in the past three days to last a lifetime and yet as she lay in John’s arms she looked peaceful. Sami wiped away a tear, knowing that this signified the final end of her family. She tried to summon the anger to help her continue. But she found only sorrow, sorrow for her loss, her mother’s loss, and her father’s loss. She no longer felt betrayed, simply lonely and frightened at the disappearance of all things familiar. She knew that she would have to accept her mother’s relationship with John. In fact, she already did in so many ways. John was everything she hoped to someday find in a man. Her mother could not have made a better choice, but the loss of her family still hurt, as it probably always would. She peeked back in the room. Her mother almost appeared to be smiling. Sami supposed that that would have to be enough for now. Things could never return to their former glory so this would have to suffice, she supposed.
Carrie found Roman lying in a crumpled heap in the stairwell where John had left him. Her heart leapt to her throat as she saw the desolation in his eyes. She knelt beside him and took his strong hand in her own. He stared at her, although she doubted he truly saw her. She gently helped him stand and escorted him down the stairs, all the while whispering words of love and encouragement to him. She helped him into her car and drove him to the pub. She parked the car and jumped out, but he made no move. She began to truly worry. He hadn’t said a word since she’d found him. She locked the doors and ran into the pub to find her grandparents.
Caroline Brady wiped the corner table with a damp towel and slid the tip money into her pocket. Lisa had taken the day off so it had become hers and Shawn’s responsibility to man the pub on their own today. She heard the ring of the front door and looked up to Carrie enter. She ran to hug her granddaughter, but stopped as she saw the look of worry marring Carrie’s pretty features.
“Carrie, what’s wrong?” Carrie took her grandmother’s hand and led her out to the car where Roman sat waiting. “What’s wrong with him?”
“I think he and Marlena decided to end things. I am not sure, but Marlena called and asked me to go look for him. I found him like this and he hasn’t said a word since. I’m really worried, Grandma,” Caroline opened the door that Carrie had unlocked and knelt beside her son.
“Roman, honey, come inside,” He turned to look at her, seemingly oblivious to what she had said. She took his hand and repeated herself slowly. He stood and followed his mother and Carrie into the pub, settling himself in the first booth inside the doors. Caroline ran to get Shawn, praying that he would be able to rouse his son from this stupor. Carrie sat down beside her dad and prayed for him like she had never prayed in her life.
Marlena gathered up the few belongings that John and the children had brought to her during her hospital stay. She paused as she spotted the small album of pictures that Kim had taken of Angel. She slowly perused the album for the hundredth time, taking extra care to admire the picture of John and Angel. Her breath seemed to abandon her as her throat started to close. John stepped behind her, gently wrapping his arms around her, gently taking the album from her trembling fingers. She melted into the strength of his embrace, surrendering herself to the warmth of his embrace.
“I don’t think I can do this, John,” She whispered, biting her lip with determination refusing to let the tears fall. He turned her around in his arms and tilted her chin up until her hazel eyes, glistening with tears, stared into his.
“You can do anything, Marlena. I am not leaving your side and we’re going to get through this together,” His words of encouragement seemed to buoy her strength some and she attempted a half-hearted smile.
“I don’t have anything to wear,” She whispered while looking down at her expanded form. She hadn’t gained a lot of weight, but enough to make most of her clothes too tight. She had no suitable outfits for a funeral.
“Then we’ll go buy you something,” He calmly stated as he lifted her bag from her hands. He gently escorted her out the door and into the crowded hallway. All three children waited outside the door, their eyes filled with tender compassion for their mother’s plight. Eric and Carrie instantly enveloped Marlena in a hug, all three fighting the tears that threatened to spill. Sami remained just out of Marlena’s reach, desperately wanting to offer her support, yet unable to actually show her love and forgiveness. John turned and gave her an understanding smile and beckoned her to join him. She shook her head sweetly, resigning herself to surrendering only part of her pain right now. The knowing shadow in John’s eyes told her he understood.
John took Marlena’s hand in his own and began the trek out of the hospital. Several gossiping nurses stopped to stare at the good doctor who seemed to have abandoned her virtue and her husband. Sami was the only one to catch their eye. With an evil glare as only Sami could give them, she made sure they realized that her family was none of their concern. The startled nurses quickly returned to work. Sami smiled confidently and sped up to catch up with the rest of the family. No one spoke as they exited the hospital. Words were unnecessary right now. The pain coursing through all of their veins made words just a cumbersome reminder of the awkwardness and pain which often accompanies grief.
The lag in conversation allowed Marlena’s thoughts free reign. She couldn’t believe that it was only hours before she and John would lay their precious one in the ground. Nor could she believe how the last day had flown by. It had been marked by hours of tears and fears met with the love and support of John’s comforting arms. She wouldn’t have made it without him. She squeezed his hand gently, just to make sure that he was really still there. His gentle smile assured her that he would remain by her side for as long as she would allow. Part of her feared he would soon vanish from her life as well, despite all the promises he had made to the contrary. She could still envision Roman as he slipped out of her door. His eyes full of sorrow, yet still smiling a brave smile for her. Then he had vanished. Her one-time best-friend and lover had disappeared from her life that quickly. Oh, sure, she’d still see him, but he was no longer a part of her life, just a sad reminder of a really difficult time in her life. She hated that.
**********
Roman sat upon the pier, staring blankly out into the water as he had been doing for the past four hours. He kept expecting some revelation of knowledge to appear, half hoping that Marlena would appear and promise her love to him eternally and give him the rest of her life. He knew it wasn’t going to happen, but he still couldn’t banish the thought. Marlena was busy right now. He had heard Kim and Carrie talking about a funeral for the baby. He hadn’t been invited, not that he had been expecting to be, but he longed to be there by Marlena’s side. His mind refused to believe that things were permanently over between them, no matter how many words he had said to admit it to himself and others. He glanced at his watch. The funeral was in two hours. Somehow, he convinced himself that he needed to be there for Marlena and the children, while deep inside he knew he needed to be there for just another glance at the woman he loved.
**********
As Marlena walked into St. Luke’s, she felt as if her strength had disappeared. The tiny coffin at the front of the church was closed, but a tiny picture of Angel’s smiling face sat atop it. Marlena’s hand came to her mouth as she stopped in the aisle. Her legs felt as if they were going to give way beneath her. She shot John a panicked look as she dropped to her knees. The pain of the stitches could not compare to the pain encompassing her heart. John dropped to his knees beside her, wrapping an arm of comfort around her. He looked deep into her eyes as he wiped the tears from her sunken cheeks. The love Marlena found waiting for her in his gaze gave her the strength to stand. With John’s assistance, she rose and walked to the front pew. She barely reached it before her legs grew weak again.
Eric and Kim watched the scene from the doorway of the church. They had stayed behind to give John and Marlena a few minutes alone with their grief. Eric turned and ran from the heart-wrenching scene before him. The doors flew open as he raced from the pain he had witnessed in his mother’s eyes. Kim followed him, waiting until she heard his sobs subside before approaching. Gently, she enveloped him in a loving embrace and smoothed his hair as he sobbed upon her shoulder. She knew he was hurting so badly and thanked God that he finally felt free to release that pain. After a few moments, he looked up into her eyes full of love and whispered a soft apology.
“Eric, you never need to apologize for being human. You need to release your emotions, sweetheart, or you’ll burst,” She whispered gently as she brushed a stray lock of hair from his hazel eyes. He was so much like his mother it was unbelievable. They never allowed themselves the luxury of humanity. They would accept the faults of anyone, but never of themselves. Kim prayed Eric would realize this before it caused him as much trouble as it had caused his mother.
********
Roman stood quietly at the back of the church, unseen by all of the grieving occupants. He mentally castigated himself for behaving like a coward. He had come to offer Marlena and the children his condolences and support. Instead, he remained hidden, afraid of the outpouring of anger he might receive from them. He stared intently at Marlena who sat defeated and broken in the front pew. His heart ached for her pain. Beside her sat John, his arm protectively wrapped around her sunken form. Roman bristled at the idea of seeing her with John for the rest of his life. He didn’t think he could handle that. He had agreed that it was best for them to separate, but he had not expected her to run straight into John’s arms. Had he not been suffering the after-effects of a night-long alcohol binge, he may have been able to see that John was simply offering Marlena comfort and support at a time of devastating loss for them both. He wasn’t trying to steal Marlena. He was just trying to ease her pain.
Roman rubbed his eyes blearily and slipped out the back door of the church, finding a bench near the cemetery to ponder his options. He wanted desperately to run in that church and hold Marlena, helping to ease the burdens that had caused her sunken figure. He had failed at that job so often during their marriage and he wanted desperately to try again. He knew, though, that with John at her side that was impossible. John had replaced her need for him. John had replaced everyone’s need for him. He envisioned John standing above him, laughing maniacally as he gathered Marlena and all the children into his “loving” arms. They all sang his praises as Roman helplessly watched John kidnap the affections of Roman’s family. Roman shook his head to clear the disturbing images, still not quite certain if they were an after-effect of too much alcohol or if they were really occurring. He buried his head in his hands and attempted to plan a way to let his family know of his love and support before John had completely erased their need for Roman.
********
Caroline had turned around just in time to see Roman exiting the church. Her heartbeat quickened as she prepared herself for the explosion that would surely follow. He had been convinced this morning that he should attend the funeral. His children needed him, he had claimed. Caroline had tried desperately to make him see that his presence would only cause more pain for everyone, but his alcohol-induced haze had prevented him from seeing the truth in her statements. She feared that he was allowing the deterioration of his marriage to cause his downfall. He seemed to be spiraling out of control and she feared the ramifications that might come about as a result. She loved her son dearly and feared losing him forever. Since he had found out the truth about Marlena and John, she had lost him and she feared never getting him back again. She should have known he would be unable to stay away from Marlena. No matter how angry he was at her or how hurt by her actions, she seemed to emit some effervescent glow that Roman was inevitably drawn to, like a moth drawn to the flame. She could only pray Roman came to his senses before he was burnt yet again by the fire of John and Marlena’s love for one another.
*********
John held tightly to Marlena as they began to exit the church, following the tiny coffin being carried to its final resting place in the cemetery adjoining the church. His heart ached as he slowly began to allow his own pain to permeate his shell of protection for Marlena. The vision of him cradling his tiny daughter in his arms as he sang her to sleep kept replaying itself in his head, driving the knife of pain further into his broken heart. He tried to clear the image from his mind, but it remained, hanging like a dark cloud over a possibly sunny future. He could not see beyond his present pain. All dreams of a future with the woman he loved had vanished beneath the pain of his daughter’s death. For the first time, he wondered if his love for Marlena was enough. He had supported her unconditionally, helping to comfort her in every way possible. Now, he needed the favor returned and Marlena was in no condition to offer her comfort to him.
Suddenly, Marlena turned to him, her hazel eyes reading his broken soul. She knew. He could see it in her eyes. She knew his pain. She squeezed his hand tightly and offered him the most heart-warming smile she could muster. Just staring into her eyes seemed to heal his wounds. Tears began to escape unbidden from the oceans of his eyes. He couldn’t say a word. The pain was too deep for that, but Marlena heard his every heart’s cry. As they stopped beside the grave, she leaned over and whispered into his ear.
“Thank you for hiding your pain to help me with mine, but it isn’t necessary. I want to help you too,” His composure slipped away and they became the only two people in the world. He pulled her into his arms, sobbing as he finally surrendered to the pain nearly exploding inside of him. He held to Marlena as an anchor as his world came crashing down around him. He felt their loss as he had not allowed himself to in the days preceding and he felt as if he might die.
Marlena’s own tears fell at the sound of raw anguish in John’s cries. She had inadvertently made him keep all of this bottled up inside and she ached for the additional pain that she might have caused him. She glanced around to see that everyone had momentarily disappeared to give them some time alone to deal with their grief. It hadn’t been necessary, but the time alone to collapse was beneficial for John. When she thought she could stand no more of his tears, she whispered softly in his ear the words she had been so reluctant to utter. She had no doubt that she meant them, but she just couldn’t allow herself the freedom and luxury to say them. “I love you, John. I love you so very much and we’re going to make it through this together,” Her voice was low and throaty and laced with love for the man in her arms.
John’s eyes grew as wide as saucers as he tried to let the enormity of the words register. Surely, he had misunderstood, somehow misinterpreted what she was saying. He had waited so long to hear those words that he didn’t trust his own ears. He pulled back, holding Marlena at arm’s length, his eyes wide and begging her to repeat herself. Marlena smiled and John’s heart swelled.
“You heard me right. I love you, John Black. I never stopped loving you,” Tears flowed down her cheeks as well as his. He had forgotten how it felt to be loved by this woman. Nothing in the world could compare. He pulled her into a loving embrace.
“Oh, Doc,” He nearly cried. “We will make it through this together.” He looked around to see no one in sight.
Roman had heard every word escaping Marlena’s lips from his perch on the bench. Her betrayal was now complete. She had given her love to another man. His stomach heaved as his body began to purge him of alcohol and emotions. He fell to the ground and vomited in a nearby bush. When he finally collected himself, he looked up to see his mother hovering protectively above him. She dropped to her knees and gathered him in her arms. She too had witnessed the tender scene between John and Marlena, albeit from afar. She hadn’t expected quite this response from her normally strong son. His eyes were raging with anger and hurt as he had stared up at her. If she lived a million years, she would never forget the magnitude of pain that had been swimming in his eyes. Part of her wanted to simply to erase John and Marlena’s affair and allow Roman and Marlena another chance to make a go of their marriage. But she knew in her heart that the love between John and Marlena was inevitable and everlasting. Someday Roman would have to face this truth as well.
“Roman, honey, let’s go back to the pub,” She whispered in a soothing motherly tone.
“NO,” He roared. “I can’t leave. I just can’t ,” He cast a mournful look up at his mother, his eyes pleading for the solitude that he so craved right now. Caroline gave him a loving hug and returned to the funeral.
********
“Now, let’s go tell our little girl goodbye.” John took her slender hand in his own and lead her to where the priest stood waiting. The priest concluded the ceremony in a matter of moments, closing in a quiet prayer. John and Marlena each stepped forward to bid their precious goodbye.
“Sleep tight, my love. I will see you someday,” She plucked a rose from the casket and walked solemnly away as John spent his private time at the casket. Marlena held the rose to her nose and inhaled deeply of the sweet fragrance escaping it. “Sam, take care of my baby, please,” She whispered almost inaudibly.
John kissed his fingertips and ran them down the length of the casket. He imagined what it would have been like to watch her grow into the fine young woman she would have assuredly been. He imagined watching her go off to school and then watching as she received her high school diploma. He could see himself walking her down the aisle giving her away to the waiting arms of a handsome young man who adored her. He knew that those things would never happen now. It made his mourning all the more painful.
“Goodbye, my sweet Angel. I hope your new wings fit you well,” He whispered as he walked into Marlena’s waiting arms of comfort. Together, they walked from the graveside, followed by all three of the children. They all seemed to find peace and comfort in one another’s presence. They marched along in a silent procession, knowing that they had left a piece of themselves back at the graveside with Angel. As they rounded the corner near the exit, they were all astonished to see Roman sitting on a bench nearby. He used all the energy he could muster and stood, his head swimming with the mere effort of standing.
“Roman, what are you doing here ?” Marlena gasped. Eric joined John at Marlena’s side, while Carrie and Sami stood by helplessly watching. Roman simply stared at her, his eyes full of confusion and pain. He ignored her question and posed the question racing over and over in his head.
“How could you tell him you love him? We haven’t even signed divorce papers and you’re already declaring your love for him. Did our marriage mean so little to you? ” He spat, his eyes welling with tears. Marlena’s heart broke as she stared at him. She had never intended for him to hear of her love for John. Him not hearing it wouldn’t make it any less real, but she would have never forced such agony on him. She stared helplessly at him, unable to say a word.
“Come on, Marlena. I’ve never known you to be at a loss for words. Can’t you offer some excuse as to why it’s so easy to give your love to him when just yesterday you were behaving as if the loss of our marriage were the worst thing to happen to you? You are one great actress to be able to play us all so beautifully. We all believe you, but do you really tell any of us what’s really going on in that head of yours? Do you busy yourself at night by deciding which man you can manipulate into offering his undying love for you the next morning?” Roman knew that it wasn’t true, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking. He felt so incredibly sorry for himself, an emotion with which he was completely unfamiliar. His unfamiliarity was causing him to react uncharacteristically, humiliating himself and Marlena in front of all their family members. Marlena began to silently cry at his words, their daggers driving straight into her heart.
“You know that’s not true,” She replied, her voice barely above a whisper due to the unshed tears lodging themselves in her throat. Roman stared directly into her eyes, reading her soul.
“Do I , ‘Doc’?” He spat her nickname as if it were a curse word. She began to tremble all over. John grabbed onto her elbow, trying to guide her away from Roman’s bitter tirade. She pulled away, unwilling to give Roman further fuel.
“Roman, please, just let us go,” She pleaded, her emotions causing her voice to take on a new vibrato. For just a moment, he let his weakness for her show. He stepped forward and ran his fingers down her cheek. She winced at his touch. He grew disgusted at himself that she would feel fear of him. His eyes seemed to apologize. John cleared his throat and Roman quickly slipped back into his mask of bitterness.
“I came here today to give you and the children my love and support. I see now that it wasn’t needed. As long as you have HIM, I am dispensable,” Once again, self-pity crept into his voice. He gently took her hand though before he turned to leave. “I am truly sorry for your loss and the part I played in it.” John chuckled, unbelievingly.
“You are only sorry she didn’t run back to your side after you verbally abused her,” John shot back. Marlena gave John a look that spat fire. His remorse showed in his eyes.
“Maybe you’re right, John. I hope you find sleeping with your so-called best friend’s wife as pleasurable this time. But just remember who she came home to after she left your bed. Remember which man she chose to be with until she got caught. I seem to remember his name being something other than John Black. Don’t let that keep you up at night, though,” Roman replied, turning to go, knowing that last barb had hit its mark quite well. John would doubt the validity of her love for him and perhaps someday he too would lose her. Justice would then be served. Abe appeared, having been summoned by Caroline, and ushered Roman from the premises. He shot an apologetic glance at a devastated Marlena as he walked away, mouthing his apologies for arriving on the scene too late. The damage had been done though and Marlena must now begin to clean up the shattered remnants of her self-esteem. Kim quickly collected everyone and ushered them away from the distraught Marlena. John refused to leave her side.
“I could have handled him. I had a lot of experience dealing with him,” John placed a hand on her shoulder. Slowly, she turned to face him, giant tears pooling in her beautiful eyes. “If you hadn’t have baited him, he wouldn’t have gotten any more angry . Why did you do that?” She accused. John felt genuinely ashamed of his actions, Roman’s parting words ringing loud and clear in his head. She was so upset. Did she truly want to be with Roman?
“I am sorry, Doc. I was trying to defend you. I guess I just went overboard,” He apologized.
“But so did he.”
“I know. I don’t know what could have possessed him to think that coming here was a good idea. What’s going to happen to him, John? He was so full of pity. The Roman I married would never have acted so. What’s going to happen to him,” She cried. John shook his head, also fearing the downfall of his once-treasured friend. He peered deep into her eyes and found forgiveness waiting for him there. She was more hurt at Roman and John was just the closest target she had at which she could vent her anger. She whispered an apology as the tears began to flow down her beautiful cheeks. He held out his arms for her and she gladly allowed herself the comfort found there.
“I don’t know, honey. But no matter what happens, you’ve got me and I’ve got you and we’re going to make it through,” He assured , more for himself than anything. She nodded slowly, settling back into the comfort of his arms. She smiled knowing that they would make it through, a soft sigh of relief escaped her lips as realized that she had finally come home again.
Marlena stood just outside the door of John’s apartment, horrifying flashbacks of the hours before Angel’s death wreaking havoc on her exhausted brain. She slowly shook her head, trying to rid her brain of the offending images. The act only intensified the pain within her soul, causing the images to leap more hauntingly around her. Each second it became more difficult to distinguish between reality and imagination. She placed her hands around her head and dropped to her knees, sobbing hysterically. John and Eric, who had already entered the apartment, turned in horror to find a picture of desolation before them. John ran to her side, gently lifting her into his arms, crooning sweet words of comfort as he cradled her head against his broad chest. Eric fell to the ground beside them, unable to stand the sight of his mother in such pain. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he listened to the devastation in her cries.
“I can’t go in there. I can’t go in there. My baby left me there . . . ” Marlena kept repeating, each word running together in unintelligible sentences. John held ever more tightly to her, feverishly trying to decipher the meaning of her words. After many long minutes of anguish, she began to calm down. The tears slowed their assault down her cheeks to a tiny stream, escaping without a sound. With closed lids, she heaved a final sob and settled into the comfort of John’s arms. John smoothed the tangled hair from her face and snuggled her even further into his tender embrace.
Eric leaned against the wall, feeling helpless to ease her pain. John cast a sympathetic glance up at Eric. He knew that Eric’s heart was breaking as was his own over Marlena’s fragile state. He understood the helplessness overwhelming Eric. All he could offer was a loving smile, his eyes promising Eric that together they could help Marlena overcome this.
When Marlena finally grew silent, John pulled back to find her asleep in his arms. It seemed they had spent hours sitting here and now she was spent, unable to even remain awake. He struggled to stand, carrying her into the apartment, straight up to the bedroom. He knew he had to get her away from this place, the site of her wounds, but could think of no place which would provide the safe haven which she so desperately needed. The ringing of the telephone disturbed his thoughts. A few moments later Eric stood in the doorway, the cordless phone in his hand.
“It’s Alice Horton, John. Can you talk to her?” John nodded dumbly, reaching for the phone as he exited the room. “Stay with your mother in case she wakes up,” John whispered. Eric obediently nodded and climbed onto the bed beside his sleeping mother. John stayed in the hallway, well within earshot if Marlena should awake.
“Hello, Alice,” John whispered, his voice strained with worry. “John, dear, I was so sorry to hear about yours and Marlena’s loss,” The sweet woman’s voice was nearly enough to bring tears to John’s eyes. She had always been such a dear friend to both him and Marlena. And even now as the rest of the town viewed them both as outcasts, Alice refused to abandon their precious friendship.
“Thank you, Alice. That means a lot to me and it will to Marlena too,” John ran distracted fingers through his hair as he paced up and down the short hallway. “That isn’t exactly why I called though, dear,” She continued. “Did you need something, Alice?” John asked, growing puzzled quickly.
“Oh, no, dear, I thought that the two of you needed something,” She paused allowing John a few more moments of suspense before she completed her sentence. “I thought the two of you might need some time away to deal with everything that has happened in the past few days. I called to offer the cabin to you for a few days or as long as you need it. I thought that being in the cabin would be restful for you both and could help you figure out where you are headed from here. I know Eric moved out with Marlena, but I could always use more help here at the Horton Center. He could stay with me until you came back. I know that most people in town are looking down on the two of you for what happened, but I understand. You love one another very much and you loved that baby very much and losing it hurt you both deeply. I just want to see you both get better as soon as possible,” Alice always seemed to have a radar detector for true love and the love between John and Marlena was no exception. Alice had sensed it years ago and was now willing to go out on the line to protect both them and their love for one another. John sighed deeply and thanked God for this precious woman. The Horton cabin was exactly what they needed right now. He quickly thanked Alice for her generosity and made plans to drop Eric off and retrieve the key for the island within the next two hours.
The sound of Brady’s soft crying suddenly caught his attention. He crept down the hall to find the nanny cradling Brady in her arms. He had forgotten all about his son. Shame flooded his soul at the realization that his son hadn’t even entered his thoughts in the past few days. He opened the door and stood silently watching the nanny work her magic charm on the young boy. Brady heard the noise at the door and turned, his bright blue eyes lighting up at one glimpse of his father. He wriggled from the nanny’s grasp and hurriedly toddled to his father. He stood with his arms upward waiting for his father to envelop him within his giant embrace. John didn’t disappoint the boy as he whirled Brady high into the air before cuddling him close to his chest. John made another quick decision, one he prayed would not backfire. He dismissed the nanny and began packing some of Brady’s things. Brady would accompany them on their trip. The small boy’s smile could heal any wound and John prayed that the wounds afflicting Marlena would be no different.
*******
Marlena awoke to find Eric sitting beside her, his hazel eyes swimming with worry. He started upon seeing her eyes open. She gently patted his hand and slowly sat up, trying as she did to remember where she was and how she had arrived there. She could recall nothing past riding the elevator up to John’s loft. She glanced down at her clothes. She was still wearing the outfit she had worn for the funeral. She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear the blur from her memory. The attempt did nothing. She could still recall nothing. Eric recognized the look of confusion on her face.
“You got upset when we got to the loft. You were pretty devastated. John held you until you fell asleep,” She nodded. “Where is John?” She asked, her voice thick from sleep and unshed tears.
“Alice Horton called a while ago. He was talking to her. He hasn’t been back in here. I think he may be with Brady,” Eric informed her. She smiled at the mention of Brady’s name. Brady would have been a fantastic big brother to Angel. She suddenly had an intense desire to hold that little boy, the child who so greatly resembled John. With Eric’s assistance she rose from the bed. Her legs were slightly wobbly and her stomach ached from the stitches adorning it. She grimaced with the pain, but said nothing. Her silent agony was not lost on her observant son. Eric followed as she walked towards Brady’s room, not quite sure where she was headed.
As John moved quietly around the room, Brady played contentedly in his playpen. He suddenly began laughing and squealing with delight. John turned to find Marlena holding his son, tickling him with obvious pleasure. Eric stood watching in the doorway, his face a mask of puzzlement.
“Marlena, you should be resting,” John informed her. She nuzzled Brady’s neck and placed a kiss upon his rosy cheek before turning to John.
“I’m fine. Where are you going?” She asked, surveying his suitcases. “Alice called and asked if we wanted to use the cabin for a few days. I thought it would be a great place to recuperate. Brady will come with us,” He turned to Eric. “You can come with us too or Alice invited you to stay with her at the Horton Center and help out there until we get back. You are more than welcome to do either one. But the choice is up to you,” Eric smiled at the warmth in John’s gaze before gazing at his mother. She seemed a bit disturbed.
“I’ll let you two discuss this. Come here, slugger,” He held out his arms to Brady, who instantly squirmed from Marlena’s hold and into Eric’s waiting arms. Within moments, both boys had disappeared. Marlena watched as they exited the room and descended the staircase, her gaze one of intense concentration.
“Well, what do you think?” She turned back to face him. The question he had just uttered rang throughout her head. She wasn’t quite sure what she thought. The idea of getting away from Salem and all the pain sounded so tempting, but she was already being viewed as a fallen woman. She needn’t add more fuel to the fire. Not to mention how it would hurt Roman to know she had gone away with John. John could see the ever present conscience begin to take over Marlena’s brain. She was once again forbidding herself the luxury of humanity by denying herself the healing she needed in order to keep up appearances.
“I can’t, John. Maybe you should take Brady away for a nice trip though. He hasn’t had much of a daddy since all of this mess started,” She wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to prevent John from reaching out to her. She couldn’t explain even to herself why she was pushing him away when only hours before she had declared her love for him, but as she stood there alone with him, she began denying her feelings once again. Maybe it was just an all-too-familiar habit into which she always fell. Or maybe she was just afraid to need anyone again. Whatever it was, it was causing a wall to be erected around her broken heart.
“Don’t change the subject, Marlena. You need a nice trip. You are the one hurting here. I love you, Doc. Don’t push me away this time,” Roman’s words from earlier in the afternoon rung in his head. John had only been allowed to learn of her love because Roman had pushed her away. She always responded to John by pushing him away. She may love him, but she wanted to be with Roman and their children. He immediately dismissed the thought from his mind. She loved him. She had sacrificed her marriage for him. She wanted to be with him. It was her mourning that was causing her to push him away. She always responded to loss by hiding within herself. He marched to her side and pulled her into a fierce embrace. “I won’t let you pretend that you aren’t hurting.” His lips enveloped hers in a passionate display of love, the intensity of his kiss nearly crushing her lips. She sobbed as her feelings for him surged within her, refusing to be hidden any longer. Tears rushed down her cheeks as she responded with raw passion of her own. When they finally separated, both were breathless and aching for one another’s constant embrace. He looked deep into her eyes as he brushed a stray lock of blonde hair from her face.
“What do you say we go to Smith Island?” She nodded silently, knowing she needed the healing that she could find only in his embrace. The next few hours were spent packing items of necessity and making arrangements. Eric decided he would rather stay with Kim while they were gone and it was decided that Sami would also stay with Kim. Sami had responded to the news of their trip with uncharacteristic acceptance, insisting that some time away would do them both good. Roman had been informed that Marlena would be out of town for awhile, but had not been told that John was accompanying her. Everyone thought it better that way.
Late that evening, they arrived on Smith Island. John carried Brady in one arm and the suitcases in the other arm. Marlena had offered to help, but he had stoutly refused her assistance, reminding her that she was still recuperating from surgery. After several attempts to sway his decision, she acquiesced, letting him carry everything. She carried the key and opened the door for him. She sighed peacefully as she looked around the small cabin. Everything was just as she’d remembered it. She already felt more rested as she took in the sight of it. John placed Brady on the ground and he quickly began to view his new surroundings. As usual, within seconds he had found something on which he could chew. Marlena swept a candle from his hand and replaced it with a teething ring. He momentarily looked frustrated, but decided that the ring was a sufficient replacement. She settled down on the couch as John took the bags over to a closet. He deposited them on the floor and returned to her side, bringing Brady with him. Brady settled happily in his father’s lap.
“Well, do you feel rested yet?” John questioned. Marlena smiled. “Actually, I do. It’s nice to be somewhere so far away from everything that has happened.” John reached out for her hand and linked it within his own.
“Yeah, it’s nice to know we won’t be running into any disapproving stares for a little while. Something tells me that the squirrels and deer could care less what we’ve done.” She laughed quietly. “I think he’s asleep,” She pointed to a silent Brady who had indeed fallen asleep.
“Does he always go to bed so easily?” John shook his head, laughing as he recalled the struggle that usually ensued upon insisting Brady go to bed.
“Let’s just say he knows how to avoid sleeping whenever he wants to. I think he’s just tired from the trip,” He visually searched the room, trying to find a place to lay his son. Marlena rose and grabbed a few blankets from a cabinet. She placed them upon the floor and threw a pillow down upon them.
“The perfect pallet for your precious bundle,” She presented her creation for John’s approval. John smiled. “Thanks, Doc. This is perfect,” He lay Brady down upon it, covering him with a light blanket. Brady snuggled into the blanket, depositing his thumb in his mouth. The soft sucking noise echoed across the silence of the cabin. “It’s quiet here, isn’t it?”
She nodded silently, her gaze unconsciously drifting to the cabin’s bed. Her heart began to race. John followed her gaze and silently walked to her side. He pulled her into his arms, placing a soft kiss upon her cheek.
“This wasn’t an attempt on my part to get you to sleep with me. For one thing, you just had surgery and need recuperation. For another, you are in recuperation from the loss of your marriage. I would never capitalize on your weakness,” Marlena sighed.
“Thank you for understanding,” She placed a tender kiss upon his lips, thanking him for always understanding her needs. He was unable to keep his body from responding to the longing within. His tongue hungrily explored the sweetness within her mouth as if it were a long-lost gift suddenly presented to him. She laced her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck, unable to control her own desire for him. Her grasp pulled his head firmly toward hers. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed, his body needing to become one with hers, needing the healing that she could provide him.
Marlena settled back against a pillow, pulling John down upon her with fierce intensity. She needed to be with him, needed to allow herself the freedom to love him. She needed to feel the love and passion that only stirred within her at John’s touch. So much had happened, so much pain. She needed to forget that pain. Suddenly, the image of Roman’s face at the funeral swam into her brain, refusing to disappear. She couldn’t do this, she just couldn’t. She pulled back. John instantly sensed the coldness that swept over her. His gaze flew to meet hers. With tears flooding her hazel eyes, she shook her head. He rolled to the side of her. She quickly rose from the bed.
“I’m sorry, John. I just can’t,” She apologized as she ran from the cabin. “I can’t love you,” She whispered as she escaped into the woods surrounding the cabin. “I can’t.”
Marlena ran through the darkened forest, her eyes clouded by the tears swimming therein. Branches assaulted her fragile body as she pushed past them, leaving little marks on her pale skin. She didn’t know where she was going. She was far beyond the point of caring anymore. So much had happened in such a short period of time. She felt in a constant state of devastation, with the tears always hiding just below the surface of her composure. She was tired of hearing words of comfort from people who didn’t understand how badly she was hurting, who couldn’t possibly understand the vest array emotions she was experiencing. Only John knew how to ease her pain, and her conscience wouldn’t allow him to offer the sympathy and support that she needed. Every time he held her in his arms, Roman’s face seemed to appear, mocking her and reminding her of the marriage vows she had trampled upon. Guilt always followed and she would quickly retreat from John’s embrace. Although she had always been more than generous in offering her forgiveness of others, she had never quite learned the art of forgiving herself.
Finally unable to run any longer, she collapsed in a heap upon the wet ground, apparently Smith Island had received the rain that Salem had been needing. Her sobs sliced deafeningly through the silence, accompanied only by the sounds of her heavy breathing. She felt as if her breath had been snatched from her, like someone was slowly squeezing the life out of her. Her hands went involuntarily to her blocked airways, falling to her side as some of her panic subsided, allowing some freedom to breathe. She could no longer remember what it felt like to be normal, to be guilt-free and happy. It seemed that these feelings had long ago abandoned her for greener pastures. They had seen the futility of her life and left her alone. She wondered if they would ever return. She once again began to task of promising herself that everything would eventually come up roses for her. Somehow, the task seemed impossible. She thought back, her mind traveling over the years to the last time she had felt completely happy, without any lingering guilt or doubts clouding her judgment.
Her mind settled upon the day of her wedding to John. Oh, she had been happy that day, happier than she’s ever dreamed possible. She could still feel the soft brush of her thumb against her moistened cheek as he wiped away her tears. She could feel the warmth of his lips upon hers, so warm, so assuring, so passionate. He had been everything she’d ever dreamed of in a man. She’d been drawn to him from the minute she met him. She had later convinced herself that she was drawn to him because he was Roman, but that was really true. She was drawn to him because he was John Black, the man who her soul had been searching for to complete itself. He gave her unconditional love without reservation and without question. He risked his life for her again and again. He unashamedly loved their children and doted on both the children and her. With her children at her side and the man of her dreams in her arms, she had thought anything possible.
So soon that dream had been shattered and she’d been taken from John and the kids. She remembered so little about her time away from them, but knew that a feeling of despondency had overridden any dreams of escaping. She had known that everything good and wonderful had been left in Salem and as each day had passed she had grown more and more assured that she would never return there.
When she finally did return, she had been met with only more confusion and pain. John was with Isabella. He still loved Marlena. She could see that every time she looked into his brilliant blue eyes, but she was no longer the only woman in his life. It had hurt her more than anything to finally come home, expecting her entire world to finally to be right again, only to find that everything was wrong, so terribly wrong. Her own children didn’t even know how to relate to her. Then, Roman was home and the world that was finally beginning to right itself once again, made a 380 degree turn. Everything that had been was no longer. She had been forced to make choices that she didn’t really want to make, choices where in reality she was given no alternatives. Choosing Roman had been the only choice. John had Isabella and a baby and she had Roman and the children. Choosing John had not been an option.
She couldn’t say that her years with Roman upon his return had been entirely unpleasant. They hadn’t. She had many wonderful memories with both him and the children during those years, but she also had many painful memories, memories that brought an ache to her soul just to think upon them. Her affair with John had been an attempt to free herself from that ache, the ache that had been persistently with her since his departure from her life. She was happy then, lying in his arms, finally one again with the man who completed her. But with that happiness had come the now ever-present guilt. Guilt that slowly gnawed away at her very being. She could make no step without remembering her betrayal of Roman. And each word that Roman had said to her during the months of hiding the affair from him had reminded her of her sins. Each embrace he had given her left a scarlet letter upon her breast, visible only to herself, forbidding her from forgetting the magnitude of her transgressions. She began to tremble all over as once again that familiar guilt threatened to swallow her whole. Suddenly, she realized something, something she had never really stopped to consider before. She had married John, the name was different, sure, but Roman had been declared legally dead. She had been free to marry another man if she so chose. Even if she had been marrying “Roman Brady,” John was the man standing beside her, the man signing the license. He was the man to whom she was married. She had always just considered herself Roman Brady’s wife, the face he wore had not been as important as the name he bore. To her everything made perfect sense for the first time in years. She wasn’t quite sure that it made legal sense or even if it were legally true, but for the first time in years her past made sense. In reality, she had been married to both men, legal or not. As long as she had never divorced one of them she was married to them both.
She chuckled ironically to herself. “Dr. Marlena Evans, a bigamist!” She whispered incredulously. “What would Mama say?” She pondered the thought for a moment. “Mama would say follow your heart, girl. It’ll never lead you wrong,” She remembered her mother telling both her and Sam that very statement millions of times throughout their childhood. After a while, she’d turned a deaf ear on her mother’s words of wisdom. Now, she could no longer deny the truth to which they pointed. “Follow your heart . . . “ She whispered again, staring longingly back in the direction from which she had come. “Follow your heart.” She stated emphatically as she began heading back in the direction of the cabin.
******
John paced the cabin, periodically opening the door to check for any sign of her. If he had been alone, he’d have run after her. He hated to know that she was alone out there in such a state. But he wasn’t alone. He glanced down at the sleeping boy on the ground. He looked so peaceful, completely oblivious to the turmoil that had plagued his father. Well, it’s better that way, John thought. If he were older, he might not understand why I’ve done the things I’ve done. Right now, I couldn’t handle his rejection as well.
Finally, accepting that Marlena had probably just hopped on the ferry back to the mainland, he plopped on the bed. He shed his clothes and sat against the wall, clad only in his boxers, pondering what had happened tonight. Had he pushed too hard? No, he hadn’t forced her to do anything. And he hadn’t been the one to instigate the kiss. That had been Marlena. And he had been simply a slave to the love and desire which he could never extinguish. Something in Marlena ignited a flame in him that would never dim, despite all the winds that life had blown its way. It had once symbolized a love that would last forever. Now, it had become a forest fire burning out of control, leaving destroyed homes and lives in its wake. He would dim it if he could, if only to allow Marlena some peace. But he could not quench that flame, not now, not ever. It only burned brighter each time he looked into her golden eyes.
He pulled his knees to his chest, his mind conjuring up an image of a happy life with Marlena. Brady would finally have a mother and Sami, Eric, and Carrie would once again be his children, as he had always known them to be. Their family would go on outings and family vacations. They would laugh until they cried and share secrets with one another that no one else would know. They would be a family, a real family, like they had been once upon a time. Once upon a time, it did now seem like it had been a fairy tale that he had dreamed up, an invention of one who spent too much time trying to model Prince Charming. But deep in his heart, he knew that it had been real. They had never found their happily ever after, but maybe someday, someday.
He cursed the day that Roman Brady had returned. Roman had stolen John’s life in a few swift moments. The life that John had taken years to build and had just begun to cherish had been erased in one fell swoop. If only Isabella hadn’t been pregnant, John would have fought for Marlena. He would have fought Roman to the ends of the earth for her love, for she was worth it and more. But Isabella had been pregnant, and as he looked down at his precious son, he couldn’t wish things differently. He couldn’t wish Brady away. In so many ways, Brady had saved his life, forcing him to return to the land of the living when all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. Brady had needed him, even if no one else had. John suddenly needed to be nearer to his son. He quietly crept to the palate where he had been laid. His chest rose and fell in lyrical cadence. John leaned close and placed a gentle kiss upon his silky brown hair. A soft sigh escaped Brady’s lips as he repositioned his little body. John smiled at his little piece of heaven on Earth. Brady was worth all the pain too.
Silently, he returned to the bed, the now-familiar loneliness sweeping over his exhausted body. He had hoped that his new baby would help ease that loneliness or perhaps that even Marlena herself might provide his healing balm, but apparently God had other plans. Although John felt tempted to doubt God’s choices, he knew that in the end God had his best interest in mind. Brady was living proof of that. John settled into the covers, wrapping himself in the downy warmth of the comforter. He prayed that God would allow him a few hours of precious sleep. It had been days since he had found any real rest, and his body was beginning to feel the effects. As he lay his head back against the pillow, he prayed that God would bring Marlena safely back to his side.
*******
John awoke with a start, certain he’d heard a noise outside the cabin. Without forethought, he grabbed a fireplace poker and threw open the door. He found Marlena outside, her eyes shimmering in the moonlight. If he hadn’t been half-asleep he’d have sworn she wore a smile. As he shook his head to banish the sleepiness, he saw that his eyes had made no mistake. She was smiling and for the first time in many many years she appeared peaceful. He stepped away from the door, allowing her entrance into the cabin.
“I thought you’d taken the late ferry home,” He whispered. She walked to the table and sat down.
“I didn’t. I just had a lot of soul-searching to do,” John’s curiosity was piqued. He sat down at the chair across from her, his eyes skillfully reading hers. He could see she’d made some decisions. He needed to hear from her what their future held.
“And?” He prodded.
“And I realized that I have to follow my heart. I’ve been letting my conscience and my sense of responsibility guide me for more years than I can count. And nothing good has come from that. So I’m ready to finally give up and count on the one thing that has never let me down,” Her eyes spoke volumes, but still he needed to hear more.
“What is that one thing, Doc?”
“Your love, John Black. Our love. I’ve followed my heart and it’s led me back to the one place where I know I’ve always belonged,” She paused. Tears of happiness brimming in her eyes. “In your arms.” John waited no longer. He needed no further encouragement. He enveloped her in his embrace, holding her as tightly to himself as he possibly could. He needed to feel her love. He pulled back and looked deep into her eyes to assure himself of its reality. She supplied the words he had once again been craving for.
“I love you, John Black. More than life itself,” She whispered, her words nearly smothered as he pulled her back to his chest. The passion that had fired their confrontations in past years was not blinding them. Their soul-deep connection and love for one another was finally leading them both home. He gently lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed. He didn’t want or need to make love to her. He simply needed to hold her in his arms, to feel her closeness, to sense her love. Nestled in one another’s embrace, they both fell asleep, finally finding the peace that they had been praying for. Love had healed the wounds of the past and now they could begin to create a future of happiness with one another. One future, together forever.
The morning sun thrust tantalizing fingers through the pale curtains, dancing across Marlena’s face with surprising intensity. Her eyes slowly fluttered open, her mind taking more than just a few seconds to register where she was. As she leaned back, she felt the warmth of John’s embrace. She remembered everything. She was in the Horton cabin with the man she loved. A smile crept across her face as she pondered that thought a moment longer. She decided to wake him with a kiss. Silently, She rolled over to find Brady snuggled between them, his little body barely fitting into the smidgen of space that had separated John and herself. Tucked in a little ball, he looked so adorable she had to suppress the urge to giggle. He was so precious, simply perfect. She placed a kiss on his childishly pudgy cheek. His eyes flew open. For a moment, he seemed panicked as if his father had abandoned him, then as Marlena’s face registered in his memory he gave her a shy smile. She settled back against the headboard and opened her arms to him. He timidly climbed upon her lap. As she brushed his soft brown hair from his face, he rested his head against her chest. After a few moments, both fell back asleep, completely comfortable wrapped in one another’s arms.
John groggily opened his eyes. He felt like he had slept for days. His eyes focused on a fuzzy image before him. It couldn’t be. He was suddenly propelled twelve years into the past when he and Marlena were man and wife. He would wake up many mornings to find her cradling one of their children to her chest. He would wake her with a gentle kiss and she would flash him that killer smile, sending shivers from his head to his toes. Ah, he missed those days. But now, he had been given a second chance, a chance to recreate, to rebuild all that had been lost. He was free to share his love with her. Soon, she would be free to become his wife. Just as she had once held Sami and Eric to her chest as she slept she would now hold Brady and maybe even one day a child of their own. Without a word, without ceremony, she had taken him under her wings and given him the mother’s love he had been sorely missing. He had been added to her ever extending fold without a moment’s notice.
John stared at them, unable to believe the amount of love that exploded within his heart upon seeing them together. His son and his future wife, cuddled together in the same bed as he lay. It felt so right, just as it had twelve years ago when he’d awoken to find Marlena with Sami or Eric, with Carrie not far behind. He felt like he belonged to a family again, something he had desperately yearned for since the loss of his treasured identity. This time, though, he planned to never let her or their family go again. He’d made that mistake once and it had nearly killed him. He would never make it again. Never. Shaking such painful thoughts from his head, he decided to start the day off right. He was going to create the perfect beginning for their new life together, a beginning that would never be forgotten.
As quietly as he could, John rose from the bed and moved to the kitchen. He would surprise them with breakfast if he could. He opened the cabinet to find some leftover pancake mix, no syrup though. He thought he remembered seeing some blueberries in the garden beside the cabin, though, which would serve as the perfect garnish for his pancakes. He began working on his masterpiece, his eyes occasionally drifting over to spy on the sleeping pair on the bed. In no time at all, he had cooked a giant stack of pancakes, gathered enough fresh blueberries, and squeezed some oranges that he had found in the refrigerator. He loaded up a tray and carried it to the bed. He sat the tray down on the night table beside the bed as he knelt on the bed beside his precious ones.
He leaned close and placed a gentle kiss upon Brady’s cheek. As he had suspected, Brady’s eyes flew open. He smiled and prepared to shout his father’s name, until John silenced him with a finger to his lips. He lifted the small boy into his arms and held him tight. The few days that he had been apart from Brady were simply too much. It felt fantastic to just hold his son in his arms again. Brady too seemed to enjoy the closeness to his father. John carried Brady to the table and set him down in the highchair that they had brought along with them. He gave Brady a sippy-cup full of orange juice and placed pieces of pancakes and blueberries upon the tray. With such a small toddler, there was no point in giving him a plate. It all ended up on the tray anyway, as well as the floor and anything within a five feet throwing distance of the chair. Feeding time was a game of great fun to Brady and his father always enjoyed the show he put forth. He whispered that he’d be right back and slipped back to the bed. He was not surprised to find Marlena still sleeping.
He sat down beside her and swept her into a passionate embrace, enveloping her lips in a hungry kiss. Marlena’s eyes shot open. A twinkle sparkled there as John hadn’t seen in ages. She responded to his kiss with an equal hunger, pulling back only when Brady yelled from across the room.
“Mornin,” The toddler shouted through a mouthful of pancakes. Marlena looked from John to Brady, who was already covered from head-to-toe in blueberry, and smiled. Her heart certainly hadn’t lead her wrong.
“Good morning,” She whispered intimately to John, her voice husky with both sleep and desire. John was shocked by how the very sound of her voice aroused him. But then, everything about this spectacular lady in his arms aroused him.
“Good morning, m’lady. I have your tray here,” He laid her back against the headboard and reached for the tray he had placed upon the nightstand.
“You’ve been awake long enough to cook?” She questioned.
“Yes, m’lady, we galley slaves get up at the crack o’ dawn to fix the breakfast for the mistress,” He slapped on a poor cockney accent. Marlena erupted in a throaty laugh.
“That’s the best you’ve got, Black? Surely a man who has had as many identities as you’ve had must have some experience in Great Britain,” She laughed.
“Well, lady, that’s not the best I’ve got, but I’ll give you a taste of it,” He leaned forward to kiss her. Just as his lips brushed against hers, he replaced his lips with a forkful of pancakes. He fed her the bite of luscious pancakes and berries. Her eyes lit with surprise, but the food did not disappoint.
“This is heavenly, John,” She whispered, slowly licking the stray berry juice from her lips. John licked his own lips in anticipation. Again, Brady interrupted their thoughts. His cup flew high into the air, hitting John squarely in the back of the head. Marlena had to stifle a laugh as John’s eyebrows nearly reached his hairline. He reached behind him, grabbing the cup as he marched over to his giggling son.
“Brady Victor Black, you will not throw your cup,” He reprimanded, firmly placing the cup just out of Brady’s reach. “Do you understand me?” Brady nodded, his bottom lip quivering as he whispered a quiet yes. John handed the cup back to him and placed a kiss upon his berry-covered cheek. He wiped the goo from his lips as he turned back to Marlena. She had gathered her tray and was moving to the table next to Brady.
“Are you having any?” She asked as she sat down.
“I thought we might share,” He gave her a leering gaze. She shook her head.
“You have no shame, Black, none. Your son is sitting right there,” She pointed to the little boy who had once again engrossed himself in his breakfast.
“He’s too interested in his berries to notice,” He mocked, his eyes challenging her to feed him a bite. Never one to avoid a challenge, Marlena filled her fork full of food and deposited it within his mouth. Before he could swallow, she covered his lips with her own. A quiet moan escaped his lips as both enjoyed the tantalizing goodness of the berries. Memories of years gone by flooded both of their memories. For many long minutes, he hungrily explored her mouth for the sweet berries hiding within. When he finally withdrew, both were nearly panting. Marlena’s eyes lit with delight.
“Never challenge me, Black,” She whispered. “Or then again, challenge me often,” She laughed. John smiled mischievously.
“I plan to. I plan to.” He whispered. He readjusted his chair so he could more easily view Brady. Brady smiled happily as he continued working on his breakfast. “So, what do we want to do today?” He asked. As a lustful smile crept over Marlena’s face, John shook his head. “And I’m the one with no shame?” He laughed. “What do the three of us want to do on this gorgeous day?” Brady looked up from the blueberry masterpiece he was creating on his tray.
“Swim!” He shouted. John looked back at Marlena.
“Did you bring your suit, Doc?” She nodded.
“Yes, I thought we might want to enjoy the lake.”
“Well, then swimming it is.” John decided, punctuating his sentence with a bite of blueberry. “Me, my little guy, and my lady.” His eyes grew wide with delight. “Together at last!”
**************
Roman Brady sat alone in the bedroom he and Marlena had once shared. His eyes caught the scarcity of belongings hanging in the closet that the had once shared. It seemed so empty without her things. If he was being honest with himself, he would have to admit that everything seemed empty without her. As quickly as that thought surfaced, he banished it, replacing it with bitter anger. It took only a few moments to remember the devastation he had felt upon hearing her tell John she loved him and the ache that had filled his entire being as they’d said good-bye in the hospital room. Anger could never quite fill the hole that her absence had created within him.
He stared down at the papers in his hand. Divorce papers. Mickey had drawn them up just as Roman had asked. Mickey hadn’t hid his dismay over Roman’s timing, but he had agreed to begin the process. Roman had decided that waiting to dissolve a marriage that had already evaporated was pointless and he’d told Mickey as much. Mickey just wished Roman had given things a little bit longer to work themselves out.
Marlena would be receiving her copy of the papers in a few hours. The court-appointed liaison had been directed to Smith Island to give her the papers. Roman hated the thought of her receiving the papers alone, but he needed to be out of this marriage as soon as possible. If she had to receive them while alone, he could do nothing about it. Besides he was fairly certain, it would take only a phone call for her lover to be by her side, if he wasn’t already there.
Roman glanced over at the phone. He’d been contemplating making a getaway, entering the ISA again and fleeing Salem and all of its horrifying memories behind him. Could he leave he his children? The thought frightened him. He moved across the bedroom, finding a discarded picture of Marlena and the children lying upon the dresser. Her smile mocked him. Without any further thought, he picked up the phone and dialed Shane Donovan’s number, hoping that it had not changed. When Shane’s cheery British accent sounded across the line, Roman knew his prayers had been answered. He was rejoining the ISA whatever the cost.
**********
Marlena emerged from the water as she heard her name being called. She quickly grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her as she walked. A gentleman in professional apparel carrying a black briefcase came into view as she walked closer to the cabin. Her eyes rose in question as she approached him.
“May I help you?” She asked curiously. The stranger offered a strained smile, obviously unhappy to venture out into the wilderness on such a warm day. Sweat was beading on his creased brow threatening to trickle down his flushed cheeks.
“I am looking for Marlena Evans Brady. Do you know where I might find her? I had been given this address, but no one seems to be home,” He pulled out a manila envelope bearing her name and the Horton cabin address.
“I am Marlena Evans Brady,” She replied. “What can I do for you?” He sighed in relief and reached for a clipboard out of his briefcase.
“Please sign here.” He shoved a pen into her hand as he held the clipboard steady.
“What is this?” She asked as she signed. He handed her the manila envelope, hating his job more than life itself at this moment. Her eyes were wide in complete innocence as he shattered it with his reply.
“Divorce papers. I’m sorry ma’am. It’s just my job,” She nodded blindly, feeling slightly staggered by the swift preparation of divorce papers.
“I understand. Thank you,” She muttered, numbly searching her non-existent pockets for a tip to give him. He shook his head as she helplessly glanced back up at him.
“Don’t worry about it ma’am. You take care of yourself.” He replied, trying to force her pained expression from his face. He was tired of the pain his position brought to others. He had to find a new line of work. He disappeared into the woods as Marlena stared silently at the envelope in her hands.
“Doc? What’s up? Are you okay?” John barreled through the woods, Brady situated happily upon his hip. Upon seeing Marlena, Brady reached out to her. Oblivious to his attention, she sank to the ground, trying to determine which emotion was the appropriate emotion for such a time as this. Anger at Roman for moving so quickly. Shame at herself for betraying her vows and for failing to make a success of her troubled marriage. Sadness for the loss both she and her children were experience. Or happiness for the freedom to remarry the man whom she loved. She let the envelope fall to the ground beside her as she buried her face in her hands. John sat Brady down on the ground and picked up the envelope. Brady crawled into Marlena’s lap, sucking contentedly on his small thumb. John opened the envelope. As he read, understanding dawned. He sat down beside her and gathered her in his arms.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know this hurts you. I’m so sorry,” She let her head fall to his chest. The myriad of emotions spinning out of control within her hormone-ravaged body. Not quite recuperated from the loss of her baby, her body’s balance had not yet been restored, allowing unwanted emotions to surface at a moment’s notice. She hated herself for the confusion she felt when just last night she’d seen everything in perfect clarity. Now, the clarity had disappeared and been replaced with an awful uncertainty and devastating ache. She let John’s gentle embrace warm her as her heart grew ever colder.
“I’m sorry too,” She whispered as she glanced out into the woods, her expression pensive. “I’m sorry too.”
When Marlena finally felt her strength returning, she pulled back from John’s embrace, suddenly needing to distance herself from him so that she could think. He always had the most distracting way of keeping her mind from focusing on anything. She wasn’t quite sure how to feel right now and his presence only further clouded her emotions. Everything inside her told her she needed some time alone to think things through. She silently handed Brady to John and cast a glance at John as she rose, her eyes pleading with him to understand her need for solitude. He smiled, wiping a stray tear from her cheek.
“It’s okay, Doc. I know this hurts you. And I know you need some time alone,” He stood and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. “Take as long as you need, honey. Brady and I are going to go for a walk around the island and then maybe we’ll swim some more and crash on the beach for a nap. How does that sound, slugger?” John addressed the small boy in his arms. Brady nodded his head enthusiastically.
‘Marwena come?” He asked, not understanding the complexity of the situation before him. Marlena bit her lip to stem the tears from cascading down her cheek. He sounded so innocent. She wished that they could keep him that way forever.
“No, buddy. She’s going to go inside and get some rest. It’s just us guys. We have got to do some manly things,” John tickled Brady’s belly while grunting in a Tim Allen fashion. Brady giggled happily, already having forgotten Marlena’s melancholy.
“Wet’s go, Daddy,” He insisted.
“Aye, Aye, skipper,” John saluted the toddler in his arms, setting him down upon his own two feet. He turned to Marlena and gave her one last hug. “Baby, I do understand. I love you,” He whispered into her ear as he held her close. With her eyes full of tears, she nodded.
“Me too,” She whispered. It was all she could force her voice to say. He kissed the top of her head and turned to go.
“You know where to find me if you need me,” He ran after Brady, who had already ventured out into the woods. “Brady, don’t play over there. You could get poison ivy,” He warned as he lifted the little boy into his arms. Marlena watched the tenderness with which he treated his son, her heart aching for Angel. She would love to share a child with this man. He was one of the only men she’d ever known to treat his kids like they were the most important people on earth, and indeed to him they were. She turned to go back into the cabin, the envelope which had been lain discarded upon the ground catching her eye. She picked it up and held it to her chest. There were many ways to view this document, with sadness, with shame, or with excitement for the future that would someday come. So many ways. They all clouded her mind, causing her emotions to swirl in a most confusing fashion.
“I can’t believe he sent them out here to find me. He knew I was here to rest and recuperate,” She muttered as she reentered the cabin, her frustration evident in her voice, the anger at Roman’s thoughtlessness prevailing above all other emotions. He’d known she had just lost her child, a child she had wanted despite its impact on her marriage. She had come out here to recuperate. He had known that and yet he chose this, the most inopportune time, to send these papers to her. He could have waited until she got back into town. It was if he were punishing her for her crimes by hitting her while she was down.
Furious, she flopped into a chair at the kitchen table, grabbing a pen from her purse and hastily deciding to sign the papers right away. A man so thoughtless could never be her future. As she placed the pen on the paper, her hand began to tremble. He may not be her future, but he was her past. Despite all the tears and anger, he was her past, and together they had shared many happy times as well. She remembered the look of excitement on his face as they saw Eric and Sami for the first time. Such a mixture of awe and excitement she had never seen. She was convinced her was going to be the world’s best daddy. And in many ways, he had been. But in many others, he had failed. But she quickly reminded herself that she had not been the world’s most perfect mother either. As they held their children that day, there had been so much promise for their future, so much hope. Now so many years later, there was nothing promising left between them.
Just a simple piece of paper would bring separation to them forever. She tried to sign it again, putting the pen to the paper. She had been signing her name for years, but precious few times had it been to a document so important. With tears clouding her vision, she signed her name in bold script, Dr. Marlena Evans Brady.
There she had done it. It was over now, over. Why did the sound of that frighten her so? Well, whatever reason it was too late. She stuffed the papers back inside the envelope and hurriedly scrawled Mickey Horton’s address on the outside. She fumbled in her purse, knowing that she still had a few stamps left in there somewhere. When she finally found one, she licked it and placed it on the envelope. With purpose, she walked to the ferry.
The captain handled the mail for the island too. She would send this with him and everything would be over. Her battered emotions couldn’t quite determine if that was what she wanted or not. As she handed the envelope to the ferry captain, her determination faltered. Could she really go through with this? Did she really even have a choice any more? The captain asked if she was certain she wanted this mailed. She faltered slightly as she uttered a quiet yes. He whisked it from her hands and disappeared below deck. With slumped shoulders, Marlena returned to the cabin, feeling for all the world as if she’d just fought a vicious battle and lost. She sat down upon the bed, bringing her knees to her chest in one swift movement. She laid her head upon her knees and sobbed. She felt so very alone. She knew with one word or even just a glance she could have John at her side, but she didn’t have the strength to even move right now. She must fight this final battle on her own. Then the war would finally be over and she could begin the restoration and healing process with John at her side, forever this time.
**********
Sami sat on the floor in front of Eric’s bed at Kim’s house, staring blankly off into space. Eric rested upon the bed, his expression the mirror image of his twin’s. Roman had been by. He had told them he planned to join the ISA and would be leaving Salem as soon as the divorce was settled, a process which he had already set in motion. The twins were in shock. Neither had quite known what to say. He had promised that he would write and call often, but both knew that the very nature of his position at the ISA would inevitably prevent contact with his family. It seemed he was bent on destroying the remaining vestiges of their composure by abandoning them in their greatest hour of need. Sami found the imminent loss more devastating than Eric, but Eric would be lying if he said he weren’t upset. He needed his mom. Several times, he had reached for the phone, wanting so desperately to speak with her, but knowing that she needed some time to recuperate from her losses. The silence in the room grew ever more oppressive until Sami could stand no more. She whirled around and stared at Eric, her eyes spewing sparks.
“How could he leave us? We need him, all of us need him. And he’s abandoning us. Running off to play super spy again. What a colossal coward! He’s running away from her, but it’s us who suffer. How could he do this?” Her hands accompanied her hurried statements, the movements growing more emphatic as her emotions boiled over. “How could he do this? We never did anything. It wasn’t our fault,” She whispered, the anger having left her voice. As tears spilled from her baby blue eyes, she dropped her head into her hands, hiding the tears from Eric. Her body shook with silent sobs. Eric climbed from the bed and wrapped his sister in his arms. She sobbed against his chest, burying her face in his broad shoulder. His own ache disappeared as he worked to ease his sister’s grief.
When her tears finally ceased, he pulled her back to look in her eyes.
“Would it help you to talk to Mom?” Sami’s first impulse was to scream no at the top of her lungs, but the pain inside her overwhelmed her and spoke for her.
“Yes,” She choked, before she could change her mind. Eric reached for the piece of paper in his wallet with his mother’s number at the cabin on it. He dialed the number, praying that she would answer.
Marlena heard the ringing phone. It clanged irritatingly in her ear from it’s place beside the bed. She wanted to fling it at the wall, but something inside her told her she needed to answer it. She cleared her throat, hoping that her voice didn’t give away her agony, and reached for the phone.
“Hello,” She hoarsely whispered.
“Mom?” Eric questioned, his voice breaking. His mother’s voice was enough to bring tears to his eyes.
“Eric, honey, what’s the matter?” She instantly sat up, holding tightly to the phone. “Are you okay?”
“Mom, we really need to talk to you,” Sami sat close beside him, hating her own
weakness.
“We? Who’s we, sweetheart?” Roman’s face swam into view. Had he changed his mind? Did he want to start over?
“Sami and me.” Eric whispered, taking hold of Sami’s hand. Marlena’s eyes grew wide in shock. Sami had spent much of the past few days being angry at both her and John. Marlena found it difficult to believe that the angry teenager now needed her.
“Sami . . . Sami wants to talk to ME?” Her shock was apparent in her voice. “Why don’t the two of you grab some things and take the ferry over here. We’d be glad to have you. It would make me really happy to see both of you,” She somehow sensed that a simple telephone conversation was not what her children needed right now and she simply couldn’t come to Salem right now.
“Hang on a second, Mom. Let me ask Sam,” He turned the phone away and covered it with his palm so Marlena couldn’t hear if Sami responded inappropriately. Marlena’s feelings were much to fragile to puncture with Sami’s anger. “She wants us to come to the island. What do you say?” A look of fear crossed Sami’s face. She wasn’t quite ready to face the reality of her mother and John being lovers quite yet. Eric read her expression with expertise. “She wouldn’t ask us to come there if they were sleeping together, Sam. She wouldn’t do that to us.” Sami nodded, knowing he was right.
“Okay. Let’s go,” She whispered, agreeing more for Eric’s sake than her own. He needed their Mom right now but he wouldn’t never leave his twin to fend for herself in her time of need. For once, Sami would sacrifice her own needs to help someone else.
“We’ll come, Mom. We’ll be there as soon as we can,” Eric replied. Marlena’s heart swam with excitement. Seeing Eric and Sami right now was exactly what she needed. She caught of glimpse of herself in the mirror as she hung up the phone. Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were stained a crimson red. Her hair hung in strings, still damp from her morning swim with John and Brady. She quickly decided that a shower was in order. The kids were upset enough, for whatever reason, and it just wouldn’t do to have them see her in this condition. She grabbed her toiletries and her robe and went out back to the shower.
John laid a sleeping Brady upon the bed, wondering where Marlena might be. He had seen her walk towards the ferry earlier and then return shortly thereafter, but he hadn’t seen her leave again. He had assumed he would find her waiting here. His heart began to pound with fear. She had been much too upset to go anywhere. He hadn’t wanted more than anything to just take her in his arms and hold her, to promise her that he would make everything okay for her. But the devastation he had seen in her eyes was something he’d witnessed before. She had let so few people see that side of her and the look in her eye told him that she didn’t plan to let him see it for long. She needed to be alone, to be weak ,to cry alone. She needed to find her own peace and nothing he did would make it better for her until she’d had that time by herself. He knew that, but it was still all he could do to kiss her good-bye and take Brady off to play. He began looking around the outside of the cabin, submerging his fears until he had located her. The trickling sound of the shower caught his ear. He silently slipped out back, his heart thankful that he’d found her.
He leaned against the cabin door, his lanky frame hidden from Marlena’s view. He watched with undisguised pleasure as she washed her hair and body. After a few moments of silence, he gave a low whistle to show his approval. Marlena whirled around, frightened by the sudden sound. A half-smile crept across her face as she spotted John leaning up against the door.
“You scared me!” She reprimanded him as she turned off the shower and grabbed her towel. She wrapped it around her body and exited the wooden shower stall.
“Aw man, I was hoping I could join you,” He teased. She reached out and playfully punched his shoulder.
“Well, you can always dream, cowboy,” She laughed as she scooted around front and into the cabin. As she entered the cabin laughing, she spotted the sleeping Brady and silenced herself, grabbing some clean clothes and slipping into the bathroom before John could compose himself enough to follow her. By the time she emerged from the bathroom, freshly changed, John was finally coming inside. She brushed through her wet hair as she smiled at him.
“You don’t play fair,” John whined.
“You’ll get over it,” She laughed. “Besides, the children are coming up here.”
“Eric and Sami are coming here?” John’s eyebrow rose in shock.
“Yes, something must have really upset them both. Eric called and he sounded awful. He said he just wanted to talk to me, but I knew that he really needed to be with me so I told them both to come. I didn’t think Sami would, but she agreed. Roman might have told them that he filed the papers for the divorce, but they had to know that he was going to do that. I don’t think that they would have gotten so upset over something that was already a foregone conclusion. I can’t think what could have upset them so much,” She sat down at the kitchen table, her worry clearly displayed upon her face. John sat across from her, the mention of the divorce sparking his curiosity. He didn’t see the papers anywhere.
“Marlena, where are the papers?” He asked, his eyes carefully studying her reaction. She visually flinched at the reminder, but then her chin rose in confidence, knowing she had done the only thing that she could. Roman had been unwilling to even try to save their marriage. It would have been futile to fight him. Nothing would come of it except more pain for their children and family.
“I, I . . .”her voice trembled a little, belying the confident air she was trying to give. John reached across the table and gently took her hand in his own. She felt her confidence bolster and she began to speak again. “I signed them and sent them back.” John’s brows rose in shock once again. He had never expected her to concede so quickly. Even though she had professed her love for him, he knew that surrendering to the end of her marriage was heartbreaking for her. He had never expected her to respond quite so rapidly.
“Really?” He questioned, his sympathy for her apparent in his voice. She nodded, a lone tear creeping down her cheek. “Are you okay?” He whispered. She nodded again.
“Yes, I am okay, but can you just hold me for a little while?” She whispered in a barely audible voice. John was at her side instantly, lifting her into his arms and carrying her to the couch. There they sat, her head resting against his chest, her frame enveloped in his loving embrace. Occasionally, he would feel her hot tears trickling down his bare chest and a soft shudder of her body. He said nothing, he just wrapped his arms a little more tightly around her, promising to himself that he was going to help her pull through this.
After her tears finally stopped and he could hear soft even breathing escaping her lips, he glanced down to see her eyes closed. She had fallen asleep. He gently extracted himself from her embrace and laid her against a soft pillow. He crept to the bed and grabbed alight blanket to wrap around her. As he laid it across her body, he placed a gentle kiss on her brow and whispered softly to her sleeping form.
“I love you, Doc. Today is the beginning of forever for us. I promise to do everything in my power to make the rest of our lives happy and peaceful. I’ll love you until I take my last breath. I promise you that.” His soft voice echoed across the cabin, resounding in his heart as he knew that this was one promise to her that he would never break.
Eric and Sami sat silently on the ferry, their belongings scattered upon the ground surrounding them like fallen autumn leaves. Each of their faces hid the emotions swirling beneath their expressive eyes. Roman’s words still hung heavily in the air between them, frightening them and removing all sense of familiarity that they had counted upon to pull them through this emotional graveyard. Sami had lost her rock, her treasured daddy to whom she had always been precious and important. She had always been daddy’s girl. When she had gotten in trouble, he had always come to her aide. She was his little girl.
His departure left her in a desperate search to find a place to fit in. Eric fit in perfectly with John and Marlena. When they married, as they inevitably would, Eric would be the perfect addition to their perfect family. And Carrie had Austin. They had begun plans to get married soon. The situation with her family had left the plans by the wayside for now, but they would eventually marry, providing Carrie with her own niche. And Sami, Sami had no place to fit in, or so she thought. She knew that she’d never find love, not like Marlena and John shared or even like Carrie and Austin shared. If her own father didn’t love her enough to stay with her, how could anyone truly love her? She quickly turned her face from Eric’s view, to avoid any questions or consolations that he might try to offer. Nothing could help her fill the emptiness that Roman had left in the pit of her stomach, nothing. She felt so very alone and unlovable. If the one person she had always counted on to give her love couldn’t be trusted to give that love, who could she trust? Who can ever love me? She cried inwardly, wishing desperately that she could curl up in her father’s arms and have him chase this nightmare away. But as she stared out into the waning twilight, she realized that she had no choice but to live out this nightmare, for the rest of her life.
Eric’s mind was clouded with fright, of what he wasn’t sure. Maybe it that was his own lack of support of Roman had caused him to fell unloved and unable to remain in Salem. Maybe it was that his relationship with his father had been irreparably damaged and he was deathly scared that it might never be even partially salvaged. How exactly did people go through life knowing that they had caused their parents such pain simply by not believing and supporting them? How could he ever build a relationship with his future children if he didn’t even have a relationship with his own father? The irrepressible guilt and confusion that these tortuous thoughts brought was quickly covered by anger as the enormity of his father’s cowardice set in. He couldn’t quite understand how Roman could reason to himself that leaving Salem was the best for everyone. Sami depended upon Roman. She had defended him against Marlena. She had counted upon staying with him. She had always been a little more needy than either Eric or Carrie and Roman had completely ignored her needs by disappearing just when she needed him most. Eric knew that he could never provide his twin with the same love and support that Roman could.
He wondered if perhaps Roman’s leaving had not done irreparable damage to Sami’s fragile psyche. He sent up a silent prayer that this visit to John and Marlena would help restore some peace to both himself and Sami. If it didn’t, he didn’t know how Sami would go on.
****
John sat at the kitchen table, a meager dinner waiting in the oven, providing a warm inviting scent throughout the cabin. He had wanted to give the twins something pleasant to come in to, something to assure them that both he and their mother had only the most honorable intentions. He had always fixed their favorite meals for them as children to cheer them when they were down. He hoped that his quickly thrown together meal did the trick this evening. He had seen the worry in Marlena’s eyes as she had told him of their impending arrival. She was so worried about how all of this mess was affecting the kids. In truth, he was too. He worried that he may have unwittingly destroyed the relationships that Marlena had with her children. He prayed now that this visit might repair the damage that the past few days had inflicted upon them all.
Marlena stirred on the couch, a soft sigh slipping from her lips. She blearily rubbed the sleep from her eyes, slowly sitting up to survey the room around her. Her hair, which had still been wet when she had fallen asleep, hung in tangled curls around her face. Her hazel eyes lacked their usual sparkle as they met John’s. He crossed the room and sat down beside her, brushing a curl from her face.
“Did you sleep well?” He whispered with utmost tenderness.
“Not really. How long did I sleep?” She asked.
“About an hour and a half or so. The kids still aren’t here yet if you were worried,” he read the expression perfectly on her face as she thought she’d missed their arrival. “I made some supper. It’s warming in the oven so that it’ll be nice and hot when they get here.”
“Thank you. It smells good,” She whispered, the pleasant aroma suddenly tickling her nose. “Is Brady still asleep?” She asked, unable to see the bed from her vantage point.
“Yep, he must have been wiped. It’s been awhile since he got to play on the beach like that. I guess it wore him out. I’m going to have to wake him soon or he won’t sleep a wink tonight and something tells me Sami and Eric would not welcome that.” Marlena gave a halfhearted smile and glanced at the door for the third time in as many minutes.
“Hey, Doc, they’ll be here soon. Don’t worry. I’m sure everything will be fine.” He stood and walked behind the couch, placing tender fingers upon her tense neck muscles. “Man, Doc, you are tight. Relax, sweetheart.” He gently kneaded the tension from her neck and shoulders, eliciting a soft moan from Marlena. She hadn’t realized her muscles were so tight, but his fingers were magically erasing the tension.
Eric and Sami walked onto the porch just as Marlena moaned. Sami’s eyes grew as wide as saucers. She dropped her bags and turned to run away. Eric grabbed her arm and marched her back to the door. “Sami, you know they aren’t doing what you think they are doing.” He opened the door. They found John standing behind the couch massaging their mother’s neck. Eric gave Sami a look of reproach and whispered a soft “I told you so.” Sami gave a sheepish shrug, delighted to be proven wrong. “Hello.” Eric shouted in an exaggerated fashion. Both John’s and Marlena’s eyes lit up as they whirled around to see the twins standing in the doorway. John practically ran to take their things from them, while Marlena eased her sore body from the couch as quickly as she could. Sami watched somewhat jealously as Marlena enveloped Eric in a loving embrace. She wished she had entered the door first so she could have felt the immediacy of her mother’s love. As if she had read her daughter’s thoughts, Marlena released Eric and reached out to Sami. As soon as Sami felt her mother’s arms around her, the tears began to fall. She felt five years old all over again. It was a miserable feeling. Marlena held Sami as tightly and as lovingly as she could, absently smoothing Sami’s hair with a trembling hand. She crooned soft words of comfort, but as Sami’s silent tears were replaced by heartwrenching sobs, the words disappeared from her lips. She looked up at Eric with a helpless expression. She needed some sort of explanation or she would never be able to help her little girl.
Eric looked up at John, his own eyes clouding with tears. John, who had dropped the bags on the floor by the kitchen table, walked silently to Eric’s side and wrapped an arm around him. Eric’s lower lip began to tremble. Marlena reached her hand out to her son, who joined Sami at her side. She pulled back form Sami, forcing Sami to meet her gaze. When she spoke her voice was firm, yet gentle.
“We are going to go sit down over here and you are going to tell me what has the two of you so upset. I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong,” They both nodded silently as the three of them walked to the couch which Marlena had so recently vacated, Marlena stationing herself between the children so that she could comfort them both. John remained by the table, unsure of whether he should intrude on this private moment. Marlena glanced up at him, her eyes pleading with him to join her. He glanced at the children, first at Eric and then at Sami. Eric nodded his head, his eyes mirroring his mother’s expression. Sami didn’t even notice his gaze, so lost was she in her own world of sorrow. John decided it was worth a try. He sat next to Eric on an overstuffed chair. He squeezed Marlena’s outstretched hand just as Sami noticed his presence. He withdrew it guiltily.
“Sami, if it would make you feel better, I can leave for awhile. I just want to help you,” Sami shrugged nonchalantly.
“Do what you like,” She answered, the slight tremble in her voice giving her away. In reality, she really wanted John there, but part of her still felt he needed to be punished.
“I’d like to stay here and help you and your brother and mother. Is that okay with you?” Sami nodded, her eyes catching his gaze for just a moment. The weakness shining there told John the last thing on Earth he needed to do was leave. Having finished this discourse, Marlena’s gaze swung back to Sami.
“What is upsetting you both so much?” Sami shot a terrified look at Eric, begging him to speak for her. She knew that she could not voice the pain she felt in her heart.
“Dad. . . Roman. . . whoever he is, stopped by Aunt Kim’s today. He said he said something important to tell us. Sami and I were expecting him to tell us that he had filed for divorce and he was going to try to get custody of us or something. He did tell us he had filed for divorce, but the last part couldn’t have been more wrong.” Eric’s voice shook, as his gaze shot to the floor.
“What do you mean, honey?” Marlena questioned, truly baffled.
“He talked to Shane Donovan,” Marlena gasped softly at the sound of Shane’s name. She could guess what would follow. Roman had chosen to run away and play ISA again.
“He’s going back into the ISA. He’s not sure where’ll he be stationed right now, but he’s sure it won’t be near Salem. I’m pretty for sure that was one of his stipulations for rejoining. He said he’d be in contact with us and see us often, but something tells me we won’t see him again for a very long time.”
“How does that make you feel, sweetheart?” Marlena prodded, taking her son’s hand in her own.
“It makes me feel angry. How could he abandon us? It’s you he’s angry at, you who hurt him, not me or Sami or even Carrie. We never did a thing to hurt him, but since he can’t stand to be near you, he’s running away. Like a coward. He can’t face feeling second best so he’d rather not face any of it or us at all,” Eric stood and began pacing in front of the fireplace, running an angry hand through his wavy blonde hair. As Eric quieted down, Marlena turned to face Sami. The devastation on her daughter’s face nearly broke her heart. Roman was her world. He was supposed to be the one who never failed her and now he was leaving her with a mother she was still not sure how she felt about.
“And you, sweet girl, how does all of this make you feel?” Sami’s eyes flooded with tears.
“How could he leave me? He’s all I had left. How could he leave me?” She cried. John joined Marlena at Sami’s side, wrapping a fatherly arm around her. It was his turn to comfort. Eric sat back down beside his mom, his worry for his sister superseding his anger at his father.
“Sami, I know you’re still angry at me and you have a right to be. But I love you very very much and Roman isn’t’ all you have left. You have your mother and me and Eric and Carrie and all the Brady’s. Your mom and I hurt you and we disappointed you, but we never meant to and we never stopped loving you and we never will. We’re never going to leave you,” Her eyes were marred with such pain John could hardly stand it. How could a girl so young have endured all that Sami had?
“That’s what he said,” She replied flatly. “And you said you’d never leave me before and so did you,” She speared Marlena with a glance. “And you both did.” Marlena chewed nervously on her lip to stem the tears that threatened to spill.
“I’d have never left you if I had a choice, sweetheart.” Marlena whispered her heart longing for the years of her children’s lives she had missed out on.
“And neither would I. There wasn’t anything either one of us could do. They told me I wasn’t Roman Brady. As much as I wanted to be Roman Brady, to be your Dad and your mom’s husband, I couldn’t be. I knew how wonderful you all were and I couldn’t force him to live without you. So I had to. We all thought it was for the best..”
“Well, it wasn’t. All’s it did was bring us to this point. I’ve lost my father now. We used to have two men who wanted to be our father, now we don’t even have one.” Sami bitterly chuckled.
“That’s not true,” John rebuked, taking Sami’s stubborn chin in his hand. “I love you, Samantha Gene Brady. I loved you and Eric the minute your mom gave you to me to hold. I was never more proud than when she introduced me to my son and daughter and never more sad than when he took you away. If I had it to do all over again, I’d fight for you all. But I don’t and we all have to live with the mistakes your Mom and I made. But we’re a family and we can do it.”
“We’re not a family anymore,” Sami whispered. “You’re not married to my mom and you’re not Roman Brady.”
“Sami, a name doesn’t make somebody part of a family. Love does. And I love you and your brother and your sister and, as much as it hurts you, your mother. No, we’re not married, but I have faith that someday we will be again and I want more than anything to give you and Eric and Carrie a family again. One that you can depend upon. Please give me that chance, Sami,” Sami glanced at her mother, who was silently sobbing, and her brother, who was fighting tears of his own. She shook her head sadly.
“I don’t know if I can, John. I’m sorry,” She stood and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. John followed her.
“Sami, don’t’ run away. Don’t you see that’s what he’s doing. That’s why you’re’ hurting so badly, because he can’t stay and fight. I know you have some of your mother’s fighting blood in you, baby girl. Fight for your family if you want it. Sometimes that’s what being a family means,” John spoke to the closed door. Everyone waited with baited breath unsure what to do next. The soft click of the bathroom lock erased the need to determine that as Sami slowly opened the door. She stayed in the doorway, peering out wit the uncertainty of a five-year old. John held out his arms to her. “I love you, baby girl. And I’m going to fight for all of you this time if it kills me. You’re my family and I need you. I love you,” Sami slipped into his arms with a sob, letting her head rest on his chest with familiar ease as she’d done so many times as a child.
“I love you, too,” She spoke through the tears. Marlena and Eric watched silently from their place on the couch , knowing that Sami and John needed this time of healing. John placed a fatherly kiss on Sami’s blonde tresses.
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so much, baby girl. I’d take back all the pain if I could. The best times of my life were spent being your daddy,” That those times were also spent as Marlena’s husband went unspoken, but a loving glance across the room sent Marlena the message loud and clear. Sami couldn’t speak. She was sobbing so hard. Each heartwrenching sob sailed into Marlena, ripping piece after tattered piece off of her broken heart. Eric, sensing her discomfort at Sami’s devastation, took her hand into his own, gently squeezing it with compassion. John continued speaking words of comfort to Sami as the tears slowly began to cease. When finally she had her emotions back in check, she looked up into John’s eyes, uncertain whether to submit to her desire to love him as her father or to spurn him once again. The tenderness she found lying in John’s eyes spoke volumes to her. She knew that no matter how she chose to treat him he would still love her. Her decision was made. She leaned forward and hugged him with all of her might.
“Thank you,” She whispered into his ear. “I’m sorry I hurt you too.” She gently pulled back and crossed the room, dropping to her knees before her mother. She wrapped her arms around her mother’s waist an laid her head upon Marlena’s lap. With tears streaming down her cheeks, Marlena cradled her daughter, thanking God that the little girl she had once known was returning to them again. She held Sami with all of her might, whispering hurried words of solace to the young girl’s wounded soul. They had all done so much to hurt both of these precious children. It was a miracle that either of them even wanted to speak to them, but they did. They wanted to begin again, to erase the heavily marked slate of their memory and start fresh. She sensed that Roman was even being offered this slate. She prayed that he chose to embrace this new start as she and John were determined to do. If Roman left the children behind, that slate would be broken beyond repair as would his relationship with his children. That he loved him, she had no doubt. That he loved her and was unable to spend the rest of his life watching her with another man was also clear to her. She prayed that his love for his children allowed him to overcome himself and accept that the life they had all once shared was forever gone.
“My sweet girl,” Marlena whispered into Sami’s ear, “We will be just fine. We all hurt, probably more than we ever have in our lives. But we’re going to make it because we have one another.” Marlena brushed Sami’s hair from her face so that she could see Sami’s vivid blue eyes shining up at her.
“Because we’re a family, right?” Sami gave a quirky little half-smile. John leaned forward from the place of the floor where he had followed her and ruffled her hair.
“That’s right, we’re a family.” John laughed as he stared deep into Marlena’s hazel eyes.
“We’re a family.”
John released Sami from the giant bear hug in which he had enveloped her and reached for Marlena, his blue eyes sparkling as he swept her into a loving embrace. As his lips danced across hers, Marlena held onto to him with all of her might. He had given her back her daughter and her family once again. She could never thank him enough for helping them break through Sami’s shell. As Marlena pulled away, she caught Sami’s gaze. Sami gave her a tentative smile while the tears trickled down her cheeks. Eric grabbed Sami and wrapped his arms around her. He felt like they were all finally home again, after ten years apart, they were a family once again. He was so proud of his twin. He whispered it quietly in her ear as he held her tight. When he drew back, Sami flashed him a giant smile, knowing that she’d done the right thing.
The tears of happiness and cries of joy proved too much to keep Brady sleeping. He popped up on the bed, sleepily rubbing his eyes as he stared at the confusion occurring across the cabin. He didn’t cry, just stared blankly at his father. He toddled across the room and tapped his father on the shoulder. John whirled around to see his son standing behind him with outstretched arms. Marlena, Sami and Eric all laughed at the child’s tousled appearance. Brady tucked his head into his father’s neck, allowing himself only a quick peek at the intruders who had disturbed his slumber. Marlena leaned forward and kissed his mussed hair.
“Well, hello, little guy,” She whispered. “Glad you could join us.” Brady peered up at her with an annoyed stare.
“You too loud!” Brady replied before hiding his face deep in his father’s embrace. Marlena laughed.
“Too loud? Too loud. Well, I bet you’d be too loud if we all tickled you,” She held up a hand poised to tickle the little boy. Brady’s eyes grew wide as he snuggled into his father.
“Daddy, hep me,” He pleaded. John looked up at Marlena, his eyes daring her to come closer.
“I wouldn’t do it, Doc,” He warned. Marlena raised her chin high into the air, catching Sami’s eye as she did. Sami slipped quietly behind John. Eric, not one to be left out, reached in just as his sister and mother prepared to sweep in, and grabbed Brady from John’s arms. He raced the little boy over to the couch and held him protectively under himself. Sami reversed tactics and headed toward Eric. Marlena leveled a steady gaze on John. “The kid’s gone, lady. I ain’t got nothing for ya,” John choked in a voice quaking with mock fear. Marlena smiled mischievously.
“Oh, I beg to differ,” She answered, her eyes twinkling seductively. With a throaty laugh hanging in the air between them, she turned away. John let his guard down, feeling quite confident that Marlena wouldn’t attack. Just as he relaxed she whirled around and pounced. Her fingers tripped over every ticklish part of his body. They had played this game before and she had an unfair advantage of prior knowledge. However, he did too. Within seconds, he had turned the tables. He crouched above his prey with merciless fingers tickling her until she was breathless. “Give up?” He questioned.
“For now,” She giggled breathlessly. “But I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Black.” John laughed as he pulled her into his lap. They both turned to see Sami trapped beneath the hands of both Eric and Brady. She refused to give in.
“Okay, you two, quit torturing Sami,” John instructed. Both boys obeyed passing a
conspiratorial glance between themselves as they did. Brady smiled up his father.
“We dot Sami dood,” He boasted, his blue eyes sparkling with delight. Sami sat up and good-naturedly pushed Eric out of her way.
“No, you didn’t,” She replied. “I let you tickle me so that you would get that grumpy look off your face.” She pinched Brady’s childishly chubby cheek as she rose from the couch.
“Now what have we got to eat around here? All that effort’s got me starving.” John’s laugh echoed across the cabin as he glanced down at Marlena.
“Now that’s the Sami that I remember. Always ready to eat, just like her Mom,” Marlena unceremoniously stood and shoved John back against the floor. She put an arm around Sami and walked toward the kitchen.
“Yeah, we’re the ones who are always hungry. Keep remembering it just like that. I suppose next you’ll tell me the sky is purple in your world,” Marlena laughed as she gave Sami a gentle squeeze and asked her to set the table while she got dinner out of the oven. John shot Eric a mock confused look.
“You mean the sky isn’t purple?” Eric shrugged his shoulders and flashed his mother a cheeky smile. Marlena just smiled, inwardly cherishing every moment of light banter that passed between them. It had been so long since they’d had such fun, since they’d enjoyed one another’s company without any hindrances threatening to break in on them. Now they could all enjoy one another and appreciate the life that they had once shared together and would now share again. They chatted amiably as they put dinner on the table and rarely a moment passed during dinner during which someone was not talking. Even Brady seemed anxious to join in on the fun. Often, Marlena sat back, a smile one her face, blissful happiness riding in her eyes, observing the merriment occurring around her. She hadn’t been this happy and at peace in a good many years and she offered up a silent prayer to God for restoring her family.
After dinner, Brady convinced Eric and Sami to take him swimming again. As the children ran off together, John sat watching Marlena as she waved good-bye to them. When she turned around, she could feel the love for her in the look he wore. She smiled warmly at him, but remained across the room, wanting to be nearer to the children. John walked to her and wrapped her in his arms. She leaned her head back against his chest as he placed a gentle kiss upon her neck.
“I don’t remember ever being this happy,” She whispered, snuggling deep in his loving embrace. “Can we stay like this forever?” Her voice was so childlike. John smiled and whirled her around in his arms. Staring deep into her hazel eyes, his own eyes brimming with promise and hope, John could barely contain the question that stirred deep within his soul. He’d asked her this question so many times in his head. Each time was different, more romantic than the next. But as he stood here with his one true love nestled in his arms, he knew that this was the time.
“Marlena, since the very moment that you walked into that hospital room, you’ve never left my thoughts for long. You’ve haunted my dreams during my darkest hours, bringing me peace when I thought I’d never even see you again and bringing me terror when I knew I could never hold you in my arms again after Roman came back. When you’re not with me, my soul is incomplete and nothing I do, no one I see, can fill the hole that you leave. It’s as if when you walk into a room you absorb all the goodness and radiate it out onto those around you, but when you leave all that goodness follows you because it knows that you are the best there ever was. It took me many years to realize that myself. I knew you were someone precious, someone I was destined to love, but when Isabella died and you were with Roman I begin to realize that you are the best and when I am with you I am the best too. I want to stay that way forever. I don’t want to be that man that I was without you. So I guess what I am asking is to make this moment last forever, or moments like these at least. Be my wife. Things won’t always be as good as they are right now, but with you I know I can make it.” By this time, Marlena’s were skipping unchecked down her cheeks. Her lips trembled as she tried to say something, anything. Her lips failed her. John dropped to his knee before her, taking her quivering hand within his own strong one. Looking deep into her eyes, he spoke the question that she had waited to hear for so many years. The question she dreamed about in those illicit dreams she had hidden from Roman, the dreams where she was free to release her love for John. The question echoed in her ears, sounding ever more beautiful with each reverberation.
“Dr. Marlena Evans, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” She still could say nothing. Her heart ached and her mind swam. Although she desperately wanted to say yes, the memory of those vows she had spoken so many years ago to Roman in front of God and family replayed in her mind. She had been so sure that their love would last forever. And it hadn’t. She wasn’t quite sure her own judgment could be trusted. She wanted to scream yes, to tell him that she’d marry him anywhere, any time after the divorce was settled, but her mind told her that her heart could no longer be trusted. Panic sailed through her body. Her hand grew cold and limp. John stared at her, trying to comprehend the change that he’d witnessed. “Doc, what’s wrong?” he stood, his blue eyes imploring her to give him the answer he longed to hear. “Baby, all’s you have to do is say yes.” He whispered, somehow knowing that she couldn’t say what he wanted to hear. She shook her head, fresh tears cascading in tiny rivers from her closed eyelids. She couldn’t look him in the eye. She couldn’t say the words.
“Please don’t make me say it,” She uttered in a barely audible voice. John knew that once again her broken heart was preventing her from achieving future happiness. He refused to let it happen like this, refused to lose the best thing he’d ever had.
“You’re not going to do this, Doc. Not now. Not when we finally have a chance at a future all our own. I am not Roman Brady. I won’t hurt you like he did but I can’t love you in the same way he did either. What the two of you had was real and will never fade from your memory, but what we have is forever. It was destined from the moment we met.” Marlena sobbed, her eyes flashing golden sparks as she spoke.
“What Roman and I had was supposed to last forever too, but it didn’t. As much as I love you and want to be with you, I don’t think I can marry you. I can’t go through the pain of losing you again. It hurt too much and now that I’ve had a glimpse of how things could be I don’t think I could stand it.” She cried. John simply stared at her, not understanding her statements.
“So in order to save yourself the pain of losing me, you’re going to give me up. What’s the logic in that, Doc?” He spat, desperate to help her realize what must be done. “You are my wife. You have been since that moment when at St. Luke’s church you and I both said I do. The law may say differently, but we both know the truth in our hearts. I know that I may be asking you to do the most difficult thing, but you have to trust me and believe in our love. Roman failed you and I can’t promise that I won’t fail you too, but I can promise you that you and I will finally be completed. Our souls were meant to be together. We both should have realized that long ago. I love you, Doc, with everything I have within me. You are the reason I am alive, the reason I can breathe and think and raise my son. Without you, I am nothing. I know you are scared, but take this last risk. I won’t ask you to take another one like it ever again. Trust me. I promise I’ll do everything in my power to prove that your trust wasn’t in vain,” He clung to her hand, knowing his lifeline was in danger of floating away.
Marlena continued sobbing, knowing that she must risk marrying again and yet fearing every moment of it. It wasn’t in her to continue some casual affair without the promise of marriage looming on the horizon. She couldn’t do that to herself or the children and she couldn’t do that to John, constantly stringing him along hoping that someday she’d have the strength to trust him enough to become his wife. That was no life for any of them. She knew she must choose to trust in his love, but it frightened her to the core. She sank down in a nearby chair, still grasping John’s hand as her own lifeline. As she sat there, she knew that her entire life had been lived for this moment, for this decision. Nothing before had truly mattered. Everything that happened in the next few moments would forever be immortalized in her memory. Would it be a pleasant memory or a disastrous regret from which she could never recover? Outside she could hear the children playing. Brady’s laughter mingled happily with the deeper voices of Eric and Sami, tingeing the air with love and joy. In that moment, her decision was made. She nodded her head silently at first, until her voice could support her. With her voice quivering, she spoke.
“Yes, John, I will marry you,” Her swept her into a savage embrace, knowing how close he’d come to losing her again. He held her tightly to his chest, whispering tender words of love into her ear as they both cried. Marlena pulled back and looked into his eyes, fearing how much her lack of trust had hurt him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. It’s just I’ve been hurt so many times. I don’t know whether to trust my own heart anymore,” She spoke through the tears.
“I know, honey, I know. But when it comes to us, your heart knows best.” He pulled her back into a loving embrace, smothering her blonde tresses with kisses. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. “I don’t have a ring for you. I’m sorry.” She laughed at the sincerity in his eyes.
“That’s okay. It’s not as important as just knowing that I’m going to be your wife again. I’ve missed that you know,” She smiled warmly at him and settled back into the comfort of his embrace. “I love you. I’ll try to never doubt you again.”
“I love you too, Doc. But if you do have doubts, don’t worry. Just tell me and I’ll chase them away okay?” He chuckled as she nodded obediently. “Now, when’s that divorce going to be final?” He playfully asked. Her face grew dark again. He shook his finger.
“Ah, Ah, Ah, nope, no way. I shouldn’t have brought it up and it’s not going to bring us down. Got it?” Again, she nodded obediently. “So what do you say we get working on having another kid?”
“John, the children are right outside,” She admonished, playfully warding off his amorous advances.
“I know, I know. Is this what it’s like to be old and married with children? You never get to have any fun cause the children are right outside.”
“No, this is what it’s like to be old and unmarried. You’re going to like being old and married,” She laughed seductively. “You know a woman doesn’t hit her sexual peak until she’s in her forties,” She lifted an eyebrow playfully.
“Don’t tempt me, Doc. I don’t want to start something we can’t finish.” He replied placing, a chaste kiss upon her freckled nose. “But it’s nice to know we’ve got plenty of fun in store.”
“What kind of fun?” Sami asked as she silently entered the cabin, innocently oblivious to the sexual tension in the air. Eric and Brady weren’t long in following.
“Oh, just all the fun we’re going to have being a family all of our own,” John covered quickly.
“And now it’s time for this family to get to bed,” Marlena directed, extracting herself from the haven of John’s embrace. She scooped Brady up from where he stood at Eric’s side and whisked him off to the bathroom. “And I know one little guy who is in desperate need of a bath.” She smiled down at Brady as she tickled his tummy. He laughed happily even though he hated baths. Somehow, with Marlena around, everything was much more fun.
John smiled as he stared at the children who had already collapsed onto opposite ends of the couch. It really was going to be nice to call these children his own again. As much as he’d missed Marlena, he had missed the children more. They were his anchor when Marlena left him, the buoy that kept him from sinking into the depths of despair. When he’d needed them most, they’d been ripped from him too. But now he had them back and he promised himself that he was going to cherish every minute he had with them, starting now. He sauntered over to them and settled into the chair nearby, his eyes lovingly surveying the tired teenagers. Eric glanced up at him first.
“What?” He asked. “Why are you staring at us like that?”
“Because it feels so good to have my family back again. It certainly does feel good to be home!”
The new family spent every hour of the next two days cherishing one another. During the days, Sami and Eric chased Brady over every inch of the island, while John and Marlena watched from the porch or the beach happily ensconced in the haven of each other’s arms. At night, they would all work together to make supper and then picnic on the beach. Hours of play for everyone would follow until they all were nearly asleep on their feet. Then, they’d all crash in the cabin. Brady slept on the couch bed surrounded by both John and Eric. Sami and Marlena claimed the other bed. Just after daylight, Brady would wake them all to start all over again. They were enjoying every minute with one another, relishing the first few steps they were making toward becoming a real family again. Still in the early stages, everything seemed so easy. The children all got along. John and Marlena were agreeing like newlyweds, just cherishing their togetherness. Then, on their third night at the cabin, a glimpse of reality shook them.
Sami tossed and turned restlessly on the bed she and Marlena were sharing. Her thrashing had awoken Marlena many minutes ago. Marlena sat staring at her daughter’s flushed cheeks, taut with the intensity of some haunting nightmare. Fear coursed through Marlena’s body as she imagined what must be going on in Sami’s mind. She clutched blanket to her chest, desperately trying to determine whether it would be best to wake Sami or allow her to reach the dream’s conclusion. When at last she had decided to wake her frightened daughter, Sami cried out. The sound of her own voice caused her to come crashing back to reality and she awoke with a start, sitting bolt upright in the bed. Her blue eyes were wide were fear as she quickly scanned the room for any remnants of her horrific dream world. Satisfied that she was at least physically safe, Sami settled back against the headboard, her heart still racing to beat the band. She could sense her mother’s caring gaze, but couldn’t face her, lest she dissolve into tears once again.
Marlena reached out to Sami, placing a soothing hand on Sami’s shoulders until Sami’s breathing returned to normal. By this time both John and Eric were hovering beside the bed, their eyes mirrors of Marlena’s. John sat down beside Sami. Her gaze shot up to him, frightened at first. When she realized it was he, she reached out to him. He enveloped her in his embrace, whispering soothing words of comfort as he soothed the tousled hair from her brow. It was all so reminiscent of her childhood days that John ached for the years he had missed with his little girl. Had Roman held her like this when her dream world came crashing down upon her? Had he cradled her against her chest until she fell back asleep, never forcing her to relive the world she had escaped in her dreams? Had he assured her of her safety and of his love? And if she still hadn’t settled, had he snuggled beside her in the bed until she finally surrendered to the weariness creeping over her tired body? Sami shocked him by sitting up and looking him in the eye. Her lower lip quivered as she began to speak. She reached a hand out to Marlena, who still sat aching to comfort her little girl. Sami’s gaze swung to Marlena. Her blue eyes were wide with fear and apprehension.
“He killed you,” She whispered, staring intently at her mother. Marlena’s eyes were wide with confusion.
“Who did, baby?” She replied.
“Stefano.” Sami’s voice was quiet, filled with fright.
“Oh, Sami, Stefano is dead. You know that. He died years ago. He can’t hurt any of us anymore, especially your mom.” Sami shook her head incredulously at John’s assurances.
“But he wasn’t dead. And he did hurt Mom and you and Eric too and he made me watch. But the worst part was that Daddy gave us to him. We were running, but Daddy caught us and we thought we were safe then, but we weren’t. Daddy took us to Stefano and then watched as he killed you all. I screamed for Stefano to stop, for Daddy to help us, but he didn’t listen. He just said he didn’t love us anymore. He said Mom was bad and deserved to die and so were John and Eric. He said that I was a bad girl for loving you two. He said I deserved to die too. He told me he’d never love me again and he wanted me to die,” Sami’s explanation was halted by her sobs. Marlena’s heart nearly broke. Her daughter was clearly displacing her feelings of abandonment into her dream world. Even with all the happiness that they’d shared since the kids arrived on the island, Sami’s unconscious still ached for her father’s love. Marlena knew that if she didn’t do something, her daughter would be suffering from similar dreams for years to come.
“Listen, sweetheart, what you’re feeling is normal and understandable, but it’s not true. Your daddy loves you very much. What’s happening is between him and me. You and Eric are stuck in the middle, but your daddy doesn’t blame either of you for that. He just needs to get away so he can get over things. I promise you that he loves you both more than anything,” She took both children’s hands in her own and held tightly to them. “The day you were born he was so happy. He was so proud of you both. He was going to be the best daddy that ever lived. Life just intercepted him and stole his chance. That daddy that held you with pride and love is still down in there somewhere. He’s just buried underneath a man who was wounded by the people he trusted more than anyone. It’s shaken everything that he believes in and it’s going to take along time for him to get over that. But one thing never has and never will change. He loves you,” Her eyes met Sami’s and held it for a moment before capturing Eric’s gaze. “You both are the most loved children that ever lived. I love you more than anything. John loves you and so does your daddy. We all love you so very much. Don’t let everything that has happened block your view of that. We all love you. The things that have happened have happened between us. The mistakes that have been made are our mistakes. None of us blame you. We’re all very sorry you have to suffer the consequences, but it’s not your fault. Remember that,” Sami nodded, trying desperately to believe her mother. Marlena decided that now might be a good time to tell the children about her engagement to John. They all needed a little happiness. She gave the kids a quick hug, then grabbed John’s hand.
“While we’re all up, John and I have something to tell you,” John gave her a quizzical look, but didn’t say anything. “We have done a lot of talking while we’ve been here. Both before you two came and since. I don’t remember if we told you, but your dad has already started the divorce process. I signed the papers and sent them back. We could be legally divorced in as soon as two weeks. That’s not our news, though. Our news is that we’ve decided to get married,” Both children gasped, shock clearly displayed on their young faces. “I want your blessings though. If you don’t want us to get married, we won’t. You two are much too important to me to jeopardize like that.” Eric spoke first.
“Of course, you have my blessing. I couldn’t be happier. It’s good to know we’ll have a family after all,” He gave both John and Marlena hugs before taking his sister’s hand in his own, willing her the strength she needed to say the difficult words.
“Before coming here, I would have told both of you where you could put your marriage proposal. But since we’ve been here, things have changed. I’ve changed. You’ve both shown me so much love and compassion and support. I can’t imagine not having that in the future. I want our family to be just like this forever. So, yes, you have my blessing too.” Her shy smile tugged at Marlena’s heart strings. The tears weren’t far behind. “Oh, Mom, don’t cry.” Sami whispered, brushing a tear of her own away.
“I can’t help it. I am just so proud of you both. Thank you. I can’t imagine my life without you two. I am so glad we’re all going to be a family too,” John gave Marlena a gentle hug, mouthing a silent thank you to the kids while Marlena’s back was turned. With tears in their eyes, they nodded.
“You’re welcome.” They whispered in unison. The clock struck three. Marlena’s eyes grew wide.
“Three in the morning. We better get to sleep or none of us is going to be able to handle Brady in the morning. A toddler with four exhausted adults isn’t a pleasant mix,” She gave John a chaste kiss and sent him off to the lumpy couch bed where Brady and Eric were already lying. Sami lay back on her pillow, closing her eyes against the tears that formed. My family loves me. Whether my daddy does or not. My Mom and John love me. Tonight that’s all that matters, she thought to herself.
*******
Marlena had been awaiting this opportunity all day. She needed to call Roman and arrange some time for him to spend with Sami and Eric before he left on his top secret ISA assignment. The kids needed to know that he cared for them and valued the time that he could spend with him. After discussing Sami’s nightmare, John and Marlena had both agreed that the kids needed some quality time with their father before he became incommunicado. John had given her a few ideas about how to approach Roman, but she was still at a loss. But it hadn’t really mattered since she’d been so busy with the kids since breakfast that she hadn’t had a chance to call anyway. Now, John had taken the kids to the beach for a giant sandcastle building contest. Since Marlena had never been any good at building sandcastles, it had been easy to escape without arousing suspicion.
She picked up the phone, her fingers trembling as she dialed the familiar number. The sound of the children laughing caught her attention, even further distracting her from the task at hand. She forced her mind to skim through various approaches to the topic, trying to find a way to help Roman realize how abandoned the children were feeling. They needed him now more than ever. Finding a tactful way to remind him of his fatherly duty seemed an insurmountable task. She chewed nervously on her lower lip as she waited for him to answer. One ring, two rings, no answer. Three rings, still no answer. Just as she was about to lay the phone back in the cradle, a gruff “hello” caught her attention. He was home. She fumbled with the phone nearly dropping it as he repeated an annoyed salutation. Every idea abandoned her as she uttered a reciprocal hello.
“What do you want?” Roman replied, immediately recognizing her voice. By now, Marlena was chewing on her lip so hard that the bitter taste of blood was seeping throughout her mouth. The malice in his voice only heightened her nervousness.
“Roman, I wanted to talk to you about your rejoining the ISA,” Before she could say anything else, Roman barked at her.
“If I enter the ISA, it’s none of your business!” She took a deep breath. Apparently, this was going to be as adversarial as she had anticipated. She tried to think of a way to diffuse his anger or they weren’t going to accomplish anything. She decided to avoid the obvious route and try a different tactic.
“I understand that, Roman. I am not in any way trying to challenge your right to enter the ISA, with or without my permission. I just wanted you to be aware how it was affecting our children.” The sharp intake of his breath on the other end showed her that he had anticipated her disagreement with his decision, for her own sake, not the children’s.
“When I told the kids, they seemed fine with it.” He replied, sounded much calmer than he felt. The very sound of her voice aroused him and he hated himself for it. The anger he was showing was merely anger displaced from himself onto her. He knew that; however, Marlena did not.
“Well, they aren’t. They called me at the cabin, both of them very upset. When they got here, Sami was in tears the minute she walked in the door and we could tell Eric was hurting too. It took us nearly an hour to calm them down and we are still repairing the damage. They don’t understand that you are leaving because of me not them. They feel like you don’t love them and that’s why you are leaving.” Completely ignoring the point in Marlena’s remarks, Roman latched onto the words, us and we. His ire, previously directed inward, changed courses.
“Us? Who’s us, Marlena?” Marlena realized her mistake too late. She had just sacrificed any hope of him seeing her point by using a few poorly chosen words. She knew she was going to have to tell him that John was at the cabin as well. She steeled herself for his reaction.
“John and I brought Brady to the cabin to recuperate from everything,” She used Brady’s name as well, hoping Roman would see that nothing improper would be done in the small child’s presence.
“I guess that’s your real problem. Isn’t it, Marlena? You could really care less if I join the ISA and you don’t really care about the children’s feelings. You are just upset that the kids ruined your perfect little tryst with your lover,” He spat.
“In your own words, Roman, if John and I choose to have an affair now, it’s none of your business . . .”
“When your little affair is being conducted in front our impressionable children, it IS my business.” He was furious. Marlena had expected no less; yet, his next statement sent her reeling. “Besides you are still my wife. Who YOU have sex with IS my business.”
“You are doing everything in your power to remedy my temporary position as your wife. I got the divorce papers within hours of arriving here. So I repeat, what John and I do isn’t any of your business.” Her voice was low and rumbling with anger and hurt. She decided not to even dignify his accusations with a denial. He wouldn’t believe it anyway. What was the purpose? However to Roman her lack of denial was an admission of guilt. “Back to the reason for this wonderful phone call. Sami and Eric are both very upset. Sami feels like you don’t love her at all. She woke up in the middle of the night screaming last night. She had a nightmare where you allowed her and Eric to be killed. She needs to know how very much you love her, Roman. She has always been closer to you than anyone, even Eric. This ISA assignment jeopardizes that. I know that I may have ruined every chance at us having a cordial relationship in the future, but please don’t punish the children for my mistakes. I want them to know that both of their parents will always love and cherish them.”
“They know that,” Roman countered.
“Haven’t you been listening? They don’t know that. Your telling them that you love them and then making plans to leave them the next minute certainly doesn’t assure them of your love. You didn’t even stay with them long enough after you told them to make sure they were okay,” Marlena’s impassioned pleas were beginning to break through his shell of anger. Maybe he was neglecting the needs of his children. Maybe they needed more than a father who visited on holidays and who called them once a month. But they have John now. His mind taunted. They don’t really need you. Neither do Marlena or any of the other family members.
“The children have John. They know that I love them. They’ll be fine.” He replied as if his determination could make the statement true.
“Yes, they have John and they have me and your parents, but that isn’t enough. They need you. You are their father. As much as John loves them, he can never be their father. You are. Please don’t turn them away,” The tears which had been welling in her eyes began to spill down her cheeks. The trembling in her voice sent shivers up Roman’s spine. “Please, Roman, for the children’s sake don’t do this. Don’t join the ISA.”
“I am not turning the children away. I love them and want to be with them. I just can’t.” His own voice began to quiver. “I can’t.” Realizing that she wasn’t going to convince him to abandon this foolish idea, she knew she had to do something to salvage his relationship with the kids.
“Then, take them someplace special, someplace where they can escape everything but how much you love them. Give them that much before you go.” She pleaded. Two shadows in the doorway stood silent, the sound of Marlena’s devastated voice breaking their hearts. The shorter shadow had to cling to the door for support, her statements tearing him to the very core.
“I can’t. They have me working every last minute until I leave. I have so much to do before I go. I just can’t get away.” Roman offered an excuse, seeing it as it was, a lame attempt to avoid the hurt and devastation in his children’s eyes.
“Roman, your children are more important than your job. Surely you can spare a day or two to let them know how much you love them.”
“I can’t, Marlena. Now, I have to go. Please tell the kids how much I love them,” He replied.
“I wish I could tell them that in good conscience, knowing that it was true. I am just not sure it is anymore.” She hung up, her fingers still trembling long after the receiver left her hand. She couldn’t believe the man Roman had become. He was so far now from the man she’d fallen in love with, almost as if they were two separate men. Maybe it was best if the children didn’t spend time with him while he was like this. Surely, someday he would recover from what she’d done to him. Then he’d be fine again. He’d fall in love and remarry and be the best father ever for the kids. But by then, would it be too late? The thought frightened her. She dropped her head in her hands and began to cry. Her slender frame shook with her sobs, but no sound escaped her lips. John could stand no more. Silently, he moved to her side and wrapped her in his loving arms. Her eyes flew open, shocked to have been disturbed. Seeing John, she relaxed until a movement at the door caught her attention. ERIC! He had heard her discussion with his father. His hazel eyes were brimming with tears and she could see the hurt written all over his face. Ignoring her own grief, she brushed John aside and ran to Eric. As she reached out to him, he turned away, running from the reality of Roman’s betrayal. She spun around, her eyes wide with horror.
“How could you let him hear that?” She accused, wanting to pin her anger on the nearest moving target.
“Marlena, he came back to get something. He was gone before I knew it. I caught up to him at the door, and then it was too late. I’m sorry,” He reached out to her. She stepped into the comfort of his embrace.
“No, I’m sorry,” She sighed deeply. “I just hate to see him hurting like that. I don’t know how to help either of them. None of this is fair and it’s all my fault. Their father is abandoning them because he can’t deal with me. How could I have done this to all of them?” John looked deep into her golden eyes.
“I’m only going to say this once. This is not your fault. You did not force Roman to join the ISA. He made that choice. I understand why he made that choice. I have been the one who had to watch you living happily with another man. It nearly killed me. But I would never have chosen to abandon my children to ease my pain. He made the choice, Doc. Not you. I don’t want to hear you blame yourself again. If he loved the kids as much as he says he does, he wouldn’t be leaving them. Don’t blame yourself for his mistakes.” He brushed away the tears on her cheek and placed a soft kiss upon her nose.
“John, please go to Eric. I can’t help him, but you can. Please go talk to him,” John nodded and gave her one last hug before he slipped out the door. “Please make everything okay.” She whispered as he stepped out of view. “Please.”
********
Eric slumped down under a tree, the tree’s canopy casting shadows upon the ground around him. The maudlin play the shadows were performing fit the mood Eric had shrouded himself in. His anger at his father had been his protection since the minute he’d come home that first night. Now, he was feeling vulnerable and lonely and unloved. Since he’d always thought of John as his “real” father, he had always pretended that he didn’t mind his lack of a bond with Roman. He had pretended that he enjoyed the time Roman spent with the girls, practically ignoring him, save the few times where Roman told Eric to buck up and take it like a man. But every time, Roman would sit down in the girl’s tiny chairs and have tea with them or help them groom their Barbie’s hair, he inwardly cried. Weren’t fathers supposed to play with their sons, take them to play football, baseball or even just play a little catch in the backyard ? Eric could count the number of times he’d done any of those things with his father on both hands without running out of fingers. Since he’d always had his mother’s avid attention and the attention of his surrogate father John, he’d learned to accept his father’s seeming indifference to him. But now sitting beneath this tree, knowing that his own father didn’t want to spend some time with him and his sister before he left their lives for heaven knows how long, he hurt. He physically hurt. He wrapped his arms around his middle and rocked slowly back and forth, trying to ease his own sorrow. He heard the soft footsteps behind him, had expected them since he’d left the cabin. He knew the words that would come. But suddenly he knew that all the words form John could never make his own father love him, all the words in the world couldn’t accomplish that momentous task.
John sank to the ground beside him. He didn’t say a word, just leaned silently against the tree, somehow knowing that his words couldn’t heal Eric’s wounds. Eric never looked up at him. He knew that if he did he might never stop crying. Crying was simply unacceptable, or was it? John had always cried, had encouraged him as a young boy to cry if he needed to. And John would always stand by holding his hand until the tears ceased. Maybe that’s what Eric needed. To finally release the emotions that had been pent up inside for so many years. The first tear that trickled down his cheek felt hot upon his hand, but an immediate sense of release accompanied it. Within moments, the normally composed young man was sobbing. John pulled his “son” to him, holding him as he had done so many times in the past. Eric’s head fell against John’s chest, his hot tears soaking John’s t-shirt. It didn’t matter though. Nothing mattered other than helping this young man become whole again. After nearly thirty minutes of crying, Eric began to calm. His tears stopped. He looked up into John’s face, knowing he would find no reproach there for the feelings he was experiencing. John smiled.
“I wish I could say I understand your pain. I don’t, but I am so sorry for the part played in it. I wish I could erase it all but I can’t.” Eric nodded silently. John continued. “Do you trust me, Eric?” Again, Eric nodded.
“You know I do. Probably more than anyone but my Mom,” He replied as if it should have been obvious.
“Then, believe me when I tell you your dad loves you. He loves you very very much. He is just too hurt to badly to see through that pain right now. He can’t see anyone’s pain but his own. He is probably cringing at the thought of leaving you, but he can’t imagine living in the same town as your Mom, knowing that she and I will be happily married. I do understand part of his pain. I watched your mom live happily married to another man for far too many years. My heart broke each time she kissed him, but not me. I ached to be by her side. In fact, I was leaving Salem the night this whole mess started for that reason. I just couldn’t take anymore. I knew I was not going to see you kids anymore. I knew Brady was going to miss out on his family, but getting away from her happiness with him was all I could see. Your daddy is just feeling the same way, buddy. Your mom is an incredible lady. When you fall for her, you fall hard and it never goes away. Your dad thinks he can outrun it. But he’ll find out that he can’t. And then he’ll come back to you.” John’s statements made sense, but it didn’t ease Eric’s mind. His father was still leaving him. “He loves you. You wanna know why I know that so clearly?” Eric nodded.
“Because I have so many of his memories. The minute I saw you and Sami the first time, I was in love. I came to love you on my own later. But before I was going strictly from my memories, I mean his memories. That’s how I know he loves you. He never knows quite how to show you, but he does love you, bud. Someday he’ll remember how much and that’ll be enough. Just seeing you and Sami will be enough of Marlena.”
“Do you really think so?” Eric asked, his eyes wide.
“I really think so. And you know something else?”
“What?”
“I love you. You are my first son. I can’t wait till I can really call you that again. I’ve missed you and Sami and Carrie more than you could ever know.” Eric’s eyes grew dark.
“No, John, I know. I know,” He dropped his head, hiding his hazel eyes from John’s view.
“Cause I missed you that much more.” John’s breath caught in his throat as his own eyes grew cloudy with tears. “You’re the father of my heart.” The men sat silently, the emotion in the air more than their masculine selves could handle. Without a word, they settled into the silence of the woods, allowing the peace of nature to surround and heal their wounded souls.
Marlena dialed the phone again, this time assured that the voice on the other end would be loving and attentive. Despite all the mistakes she’d made in her life, her parents had never failed to offer their unconditional love and support. Right now, she needed that comfort, needed the solace she would find in the haven of her mother’s loving voice. As she waited for her parents to pick up, she tried to scope out a way to tell them all that had transpired in the past few days. As much as she’d wanted to call them and pour her heart out to them, she’d been afraid to share the news of so great a transgression with them. She wasn’t sure why. They’d of course be shocked at first and maybe even a little disappointed, but they’d never let Marlena hear or see anything other than unconditional love and support. They’d been doing it since she was a child.
Martha and Frank Evans simultaneously answered the phone, each unaware that the other had answered. as their voices rang out in unison across the line, Marlena drew a deep breath, the mere sound of their voices already bringing tears to her eyes. With trembling lips, she gave a whispered hello.
“Hello,” Her voice was quiet and filled with anguish. Both Martha and Frank immediately sensed that something was desperately wrong with their only child. Martha spoke first, needing to know what had wounded her daughter do deeply to cause such desolation in her voice.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” Marlena stayed silent for a few moments, unable to find any words to express her sorrow. “Sweetheart, whatever it is tell us so we can help you.” Marlena found her voice and began to weave the tale of the past few days.
“Momma, Daddy, I lost the baby.” She decided to start with the news of the loss of her child. Maybe she sensed that it would be easier for them to offer sympathy knowing she had done nothing to deserve the loss of her child. The loss of her marriage was an entirely different thing. That, she had brought upon herself.
“Oh, Angel, we’re so sorry,” Frank spoke, using his nickname for her. Tears creeped down her cheeks at the sound of her daughter’s name. “How’s Roman taking it? We know he really wanted this baby.” Marlena braced herself knowing she now must drop the real bombshell.
“He’s taking it all right,” She paused, praying for the strength to say the words that would break their hearts. Every parent hated to hear of their children’s mistakes. And her parents, however supportive they had always been, were no different. This would hurt them too. “It wasn’t his baby.” She whispered. Frank and Martha sat stunned, sure they had misheard Marlena’s statement.
“What was that, honey? I’m afraid I didn’t hear correctly. I thought you said it wasn’t his baby.” Martha almost laughed, knowing it had been a simple misunderstanding.
“That is what I said. It wasn’t Roman’s baby. It was John’s.” Having dropped the bomb, she sat awaiting the fallout.
“How? Why? What?” Martha stuttered, unable to piece together a coherent sentence. Frank came to her aid, voicing the first question that came to his mind.
“Marlena, what are you talking about? Of course, it was Roman’s baby. He’s your husband. How could it be John’s? Unless you had an . . .” He let the sentence trail off, knowing everyone had already mentally completed the sentence.
“I did have an affair with John, Daddy. And Roman and I are getting a divorce. He has already filed. And I lost my baby girl. We named her Angel. They had to take her early because I was having many complications. I was bleeding and if they didn’t take her I would have died. John and Roman decided to take her. She died shortly after she was born. John got to hold her and they took pictures. She was beautiful. I never got to see her. I was unconscious for quite some time. She died and I never got to see her or hold her in my arms,” Marlena sobbed. Frank and Martha felt their hearts breaking for their daughter’s torment. Since she’d left home and moved to Salem, she’d endured little besides heartache. They wished they could sweep it away, but they knew that nothing they could do would mend her broken heart.
“I’m so sorry, honey. I don’t really understand how you could have let things happen like that with John, but it doesn’t matter. You didn’t deserve to lose the baby.” Frank replied, wishing he could cradle his little girl in his strong arms.
“Honey, why don’t you bring the children and come home for awhile? We would love to see you all and I’m sure you need time away to heal.” Martha offered the perfect solution.
“Oh, Momma, I would love that. But there is more. John and I have decided to try to make things work between us. We’re going to get married when the divorce is settled. If I come, I would like to bring him and his son. Will that be all right with you?” She knew the answer but she felt obligated to ask.
“Whatever you need to do, honey. We’ll welcome anyone you bring to our house. We would love to see him again. We were always very fond of John,” Marlena knew her parents were much less receptive to the idea than they were letting on, but they would do whatever it took to help her heal. “We don’t have rooms for everyone though.” Marlena knew her father was trying to feel out whether she and John were sleeping together.
“That’s okay. Sami and will share mine and Sam’s old bedroom. John and the boys can have the guest room.” Her parents sigh of relief was audible. They needed to believe that their little girl was still chaste, even though they’d just been confronted with evidence pointing to the obvious. Marlena knew this though and would never disrespect her parents enough to sleep with John in their house, even if their present sleeping arrangements were different.
“Honey, are you doing all right?” Martha could hear the devastation in her daughter’s voice with each word that was spoken.
“I think I am finally going to be again, Momma. I think I am,” Marlena smiled as she saw John standing in the doorway. Eric wasn’t in sight. “Well, Momma, I’ll have to talk with John and the kids and then we’ll get back with you, okay?”
“Okay, sweetheart. We love you.” Martha replied, a tear escaping her hazel eyes.
“I love you too. We’ll see you soon.” Marlena wanted to get off before she started crying again.
“All right, sweetheart. You give those grandkids of ours an extra big hug for us, won’t you?” Frank answered, seeing that his wife was getting upset.
“I will, Daddy. You give Momma one for me. I promise you I’m going to be okay this time. Bye, Bye,” She whispered, willing her statement to be more than just a platitude to soothe her parents minds.
“Bye, Angel,” Frank hung up and walked to where his wife was crying at the table. He lifted the phone from her hands and pulled her into his arms. “Hey, now you’re not allowed to cry unless I can hold you and dry those tears,” Martha smiled as she snuggled deep into his broad chest.
“Now, our girl is going to be okay. She’s got the kids and John and she’s got us. She’s going to be okay.” Martha just sniffled sadly.
“I know, I just wanted more for her than this. I wanted more than heartache for her. She deserves to have a happy life without all this pain. I want what we have for her. I want to know someone loves her more than anything else on earth and would stop the rotation if it meant keeping her from pain. I want to know that if she’s crying she has someone to snuggle into like I do you. Is that too much to ask?” Martha cried.
“No, honey, it’s not. Maybe this is her chance for that. Maybe.”
John walked to the table where Marlena had lain her head. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed the back of her neck. “Now, who said you could cry when I’m not here to wipe away those tears.” Marlena smiled weakly as she let her head fall back against his broad chest. “Was that your folks?” She nodded silently. “Did you tell them everything?” Again, she nodded. “What’d they say?” She just shook her head, unable to say anything through the tears lodging in her throat. “It’s okay, Baby. Don’t worry about it. We’ll talk later.” Gently, he lifted her from the chair and settled her in his lap. She lay her head against his chest, tears silently seeping from her closed lids. “Have I told you lately that I love you?”
“Yes, but I could always hear it again,” She whispered. He gently took her face in his hands and looked deep into her red-rimmed eyes.
“I love you with all of my being. You are my day and my night. My sun and my moon. Everything I could never be and everything I am. It’s all wrapped up in you, baby. I can’t thank God enough that he blessed me with you.” He brought her face close to his and captured her lips with his own, his hungry lips bringing healing with them. His hand slipped around to the base of her neck, pulling her closer, wanting, no needing to be closer to her. When they both finally became breathless, she settled back against his chest, knowing that any further kisses would bring them to a place they couldn’t go right now.
“Thank you,” She whispered.
“No, thank you,” He whispered as he kissed her soft blonde hair. Suddenly she remembered why she had called her parents, why she’d been given that free time. Eric had been hurting so badly. Where was he?
“John, Eric, where is he?” She asked, popping up to visually scan out the open door for any sign of her son.
“He went back to the beach with Sami and Brady.”
“Was he okay?” She asked worriedly?
“Yeah, it took awhile and he cried a lot. But I think he’s going to be okay. This is just all really hard on him. He loves you so much and it’s killing him to see his father hurting you. And his relationship with Roman, which was virtually non-existent to begin with, is now irreparably damaged. He loves me and in many ways I am his father. But in the most important ways I’m not and it’s killing him that his own father is rejecting him. I tried to help him understand that Roman isn’t rejecting him. He’s rejecting you and me and our happiness. I told him that Roman couldn’t handle the agony of seeing us together so he’s joining the ISA so that he doesn’t have to worry about it. I think he is starting to understand, but it’s not easy. It’s no easy thing what those kids, both of them, are going through. I wish we could erase their pain.” John’s eyes clouded with tears.
“I know, but we can’t. No matter what any of us do, this is something that can’t be changed. We can’t take back the hurt. We can’t take back the betrayal and we can’t take back their loss. We can’t kiss away this boo-boo. And that’s what hurts so badly. Not that my mistake hurt me or even Roman, but that it hurt those kids and it cost them so much. I hate that.”
“I know, baby, but maybe it’s time we stop regretting and begin fixing things for them. Maybe they need to get away from all of this mess and know how very much we love and want them. I know that’s why we came here, but our past can still hurt us here. Maybe we need to go further away.” John knew that Marlena needed to see her parents. Maybe they needed to go to Colorado. “Like Colorado. I bet there are a couple of people who would welcome you and the kids with open arms. I bet they are already looking up flight schedules to see how soon you could be there.”
“Oh, John, that’s just what Momma and Daddy suggested. But you’re wrong about one thing,” John looked puzzled. “They’re not just waiting with open arms for me and the kids but for you and Brady too. They want us all to come stay with them for awhile.”
“All right. That’s sounds like a wonderful idea. I’ll call and get the Titan jet ready for us by this evening,” Marlena hugged John fiercely.
“Oh, thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me.”
“Yes, I do, honey. I can see it in those golden eyes of yours shining like the sunrise and that smile that reaches from coast to coast.” He kissed her smiling lips, holding her tightly to him.
“And I’d do just about anything to keep that look on your face.” He grabbed the phone and called his pilot. The pilot assured him he’d get everything taken care of as soon as possible. They’d be leaving Salem before the day’s end. Marlena nearly squealed with delight as John informed her. Then she had a thought, one she wished she could banish as quickly as it had come.
“Oh,” Her face darkened suddenly. “I’m going to have to tell Roman where we’re going.”
“Why don’t you call Caroline and have her relay the message? I think you’ve had just about enough upset for one day.”
“That’s a good idea,” She reached for the phone and dialed the Pub. Shawn answered. “Shawn, this is Marlena. May I speak to Caroline?” Shawn fought his own anger at his son’s wife and gave a polite yes as he handed the phone to Caroline.
“Hello,” Caroline answered sweetly.
“Caroline, it’s Marlena. I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to, but I need you to give a message to Roman. We’ve already fought today over the children and I can’t go for another round. I tried to get Roman to see that the children needed to spend some quality time with him before he left, but he just couldn’t see it. He said he was too busy. So I need you to give him a message. “
“Okay, what do you need me to tell him, Dear?” Caroline had always liked Marlena and understood the situation in which Marlena now found herself.
“Please just tell him that the children, John and I will be going to my parents for a while. You can include John’s name or leave it out whatever you think best. Just please let Roman know where we are. And tell him that if he changes his mind and wants to see the children to call me. There’s nothing I would like more than for him to spend time with the kids.”
“All right, Marlena, I’ll do that. You take care of yourself and those grandkids of mine okay?” Caroline’s concern touched Marlena.
“I will, Caroline. Thank you very much. I hate to put you in the middle, but I think Roman and I have said enough words that we can’t take back for one day.”
“I understand, dear. Don’t worry. I’ll let him know. Bye bye, dear” Caroline hung up. Marlena smiled weakly at John.
“Well, at least she doesn’t hate me,” John hugged her.
“Of course she doesn’t. Now forget about everything else and get packing. I’ll go get the kids and tell them what we’re doing. Hurry, we’ve only got a short amount of time to get a lot of things done.” He kissed her and stood her up as he stood. “See ya in a bit,” He shouted as he ran down to the beach to collect the kids.
************
Kim didn’t think she could handle much more of Roman’s self-pity and self-destructive pride. For the last half-hour, he had cussed and discussed Marlena’s decision to take the kids to the cabin, over Marlena’s “gall” for asking him to spend time with his kids, and over a million other things that popped into his mind as he stared blankly at the wall adjacent to him. She was beginning to tire of his Brady pride. He had finally lost most of his anger, but his bitter contemplation was a tad more than she cared to handle. It was going to get him nowhere very quickly. If he had been the least bit correct, she might have been better able to tolerate his mood, but since he was so obviously in the wrong, it was becoming more and more difficult to sit and listen. Even from the anger-tainted version of the story she had received from Roman,
Kim could tell her brother had reacted to his wife and not to her suggestion. He was simply angry with Marlena, angry because she was able to move on with her life, while he would never get over the loss of his true love. He hadn’t even stopped to consider that maybe her proposal was actually a decent idea. When Kim thought her head might burst from the tones of his voice, she speared him with a glance.
“Roman, it’s time you listened instead of talking,” He cast an impatient stare up at her, his angry eyes showing his reluctance to hear her out. “I’m serious, Roman. You have had more than your turn to talk.”
Roman sat sullenly across from his sister, eyeing her with obvious displeasure. He knew not at whom his anger was aimed. He only knew that it churned deep within the pit of his stomach and only intensified with each encounter he experienced with Marlena. So he had come to Kim, expecting sympathy but finding her waiting with less than a sympathetic ear. Once again, his family had sided with John and Marlena, or so he thought. He decided to try one more time to make Kim understand his actions.
“I have to get away, Kim. I can’t stay here and watch them make a family with my children.” He fiercely stated, feeling the burning sensation deep in the pit of his stomach that accompanied every thought of leaving Marlena and the children behind. The burning was quickly followed by the nausea that appeared at the mere thought of having to watch as John and Marlena built their happy little family.
“If you weren’t leaving, you could share the children with them. You are forcing the children to make a family with only them. You are going to lose them forever, Roman,” Kim sighed deeply, hoping that she could somehow deter her brother from making such a monumental mistake.
“Look, I know you are hurting. Marlena and John broke your trust and they hurt you deeply, but running away from your children isn’t the answer. Marlena wants to share the kids with you. That’s why she called you and encouraged you to spend time with the kids before you leave. She doesn’t want you to lose your relationship with the kids . . . “
“She called me because she wanted time alone with JOHN,” He spat John’s name out as if it were venom.
“No, she didn’t, Roman. She wouldn’t have time alone with John anyway. They have Brady with them too. She wants to salvage your relationship with the kids before it’s too late. Roman, she may not be in love with you anymore, but she stills loves you deeply, just as she loves her children. She wants you to have a complete loving relationship with the kids. She doesn’t want to cut them off from you. You seem quite bent on doing just that. I know you’re hurt and you can’t stand the thought of seeing Marlena happy with someone other than you, but it’s time to grow up and swallow your pride and your hurt. Your children need you. Can’t you see that?”
Roman couldn’t believe what he’d just heard Kim say. She was actually defending Marlena. Kim saw the look in his eyes and knew he’d completely missed her point. He was so self-absorbed right now that he couldn’t see the potential damage he was bringing upon his kids.
“Roman, I love you. You’re my big brother and that’s never going to change, but you are wrong this time. Marlena is trying to save you in the kids’ eyes, trying to make you more of a father than you obviously care to be. If you can’t see that and try to step out and love you kids despite what their mother has done to you, then maybe it’s best that you don’t see them. Maybe it’s best for them to think of John as their father. At least they know he’d never willingly give up a chance to spend time with them.” She stood and walked to the door, indicating that it was time for Roman to leave. Roman rose, with fire burning in his Irish eyes.
“John isn’t their father, I am.” He spoke softly, turning his face from her. “I am.” He whispered.
“Then act like it.” Kim spat back at him. “Take this chance to love them before it’s too late. Take this chance to spend time with them and make them feel special. If you are bent on joining the ISA, it may just be your last chance with them.” For the first time, Kim’s words sank in. Kim was right. He might never return from his ISA mission. He had asked for the most dangerous assignment that Shane had, making his death not only possible, but also highly probable. He didn’t think he could handle knowing that his children thought he hated them long after his death.
He couldn’t force such a burden on them. He gripped his head in his hands and sank to the chair beside the door. She was so right. How could he heave been so blind? Kim could see that she’d finally made him think. It was a small step, but a hopeful sign that maybe she’d really gotten through. She reached out to him, placing a tender hand upon his shoulder. “Let them know you love them, Roman. That’s all they need to know.” He nodded silently and wrapped her in a smothering embrace. Then he hurried away, knowing that he must at least call and try to repair some of the damage that had been done.
He walked in the door to the house that had once been brimming with love. The void that his family’s absence had left nearly overwhelmed him. He dropped his large frame upon the couch and reached for the phone, dialing in the number for the cabin, which he had written on the tablet beside the phone. The ringing seemed to mock him. He waited anxiously until he’d heard ten rings. He hung the phone up and tried again. Still no answer. He waited in the silence for fifteen minutes and tried one last time. No answer. They were gone. He slammed the receiver down and bellowed into the vacant house. He’d missed his chance. On a whim, he dialed the loft’s number, almost praying that Marlena would pick up. After fifteen rings, it was obvious that they hadn’t returned to there. He dialed his parent’s number, thinking maybe they’d been informed of the children’s whereabouts. His father answered cheerily.
“Brady Pub, and how may I be helping ye?” Shawn’s Irish brogue rang across the line.
“Pop, it’s me. Have you heard anything from Marlena or the kids about where they are?” Roman replied brusquely.
“No, but your Mom talked to Marlena earlier. Let me get her and ye can ask her where they are,” Caroline was on the line before Roman had a chance to digest what Shawn had said.
“Mom, have you heard anything from the kids or Marlena? I tried to call the cabin and the loft, but they’re not either place. I wanted to try to spend some time with the kids. I really need to find them.” Caroline sighed. She had to tell her son that his children were gone.
“They’re gone, Roman. You told Marlena you didn’t want to spend time with the kids so she took them to Colorado to see her parents. She said if you changed your mind and wanted to see the kids to call her. Don’t miss your chance with the kids, Roman. You missed yours with Carrie without a choice. Don’t choose to miss out with Eric and Sami.” A tear rolled down Roman’s chiseled nose. He had missed so much, made so many mistakes. It seemed that no effort he could make would be enough to assure the kids of his love.
“Okay, Ma, thanks,” He hung up. He had two choices, each one holding great bearing on his future with the children. He could fly out to Marlena’s parents and get the kids, take them to some fabulous place where they could create memories to last a lifetime. Or he could forget the whole idea and leave to join the ISA now. All’s it took was one phone call either way and he’d change his life forever. It seemed as if his entire life has been lived for this very decision and Roman didn’t know if he had it in him to make the right choice. He’d have to see Marlena again and John too, of course. But he’d get to see his children. With a deep sigh he grabbed the phone, his decision made.
Marlena smiled at the children, all three of whom had fallen asleep before the plane ever left the ground. Brady lay cradled in Sami’s arms, while Sami’s head rested against Eric’s broad chest. Eric’s head leaned against a soft pillow placed strategically between his head and the wall. They all looked blissfully peaceful. She snuggled deeper into John’s embrace and sighed happily.
“I love to see them like that,” She whispered. Her eyes danced with delight.
“I know what you mean. It really tugs at your heart to see the three of them so close already. We’ve really got a great family, kid,” He kissed the base of her neck. She drew back and turned to face John.
“Oh, no you don’t. That’s what got us into this whole mess in the first place. Kissing on planes only cause problems for us,” She laughed, only half-joking.
“Okay, I promise I’ll back off.” He whispered softly in her ear, his tongue brushing seductively across her tender lobe. She shivered, shooting him a look of mock aggravation.
“That is not my idea of backing off, Black,” She scooted herself away from him, settling onto the couch several feet away from him. “I can not make love to you right now for several reasons. The most important three are sleeping on the couch over there. The other is resting on my left finger. I am still Roman’s wife and I have betrayed my vows enough. Until he and I are divorced, I can’t be with you. I know that probably sounds foolish considering we’ve already been together, but this is something I have to do.” John smiled, nodding his head in complete understanding.
“You don’t have to explain to me, Marlena. I understand. I just like to torture you,” He laughed, his blue eyes dancing with merriment.
“Well, stop it. I can’t take it.” Her eyes were shooting sparks of golden fire. John couldn’t help but laugh. “Well, it looks like it’s going to be a long drought for you, Black. I wouldn’t touch you now with a ten foot pole.” She turned her back on him haughtily. John inched his way over to her, speaking softly as he moved.
“Oh, I just don’t think that’s going to work, Dr. Evans. I’m like a bad habit for you. You just can’t kick me in five minutes.”
“Isn’t that the truth?” She spouted, her laughter lacing her voice with a vibrato that John found quite appealing. “Hey, don’t get any closer!” She warned.
“I can’t take this distance. Can we call a truce? I’ll be good if you be good,” He held out his hand to shake on the deal. Marlena paused for a moment thinking. Then nodded her head.
“I think I can abide by that,” She shook his hand firmly and settled back into the comfort of his embrace.
****
Kevin Jasper settled back in the co-pilot’s chair, his tense muscles relaxing at having completed another successful take-off. The weather was picturesque, not a cloud in the sky. They were in for a peaceful flight tonight. He sighed deeply and glanced over at Morgan Davies, who was manning the plane with grace and ease acquired from years of practice. He smiled, happy to have received a job where he could learn so much from his co-worker. He decided to try once again to get Morgan to open up about his personal life. If they were going to be working together, they really needed to get better acquainted.
“So, Morgan, you married?” Morgan glanced up with measured annoyance swimming in his brown eyes. He hated working with novices. They always wanted to chat and “get acquainted” and share deep dark secrets. Morgan’s secrets were deeply buried and he had little time or energy to share with some kid just out of flight school.
“No, I’m not married. I have no kids. I am not gay. I don’t have a live-in girlfriend. I don’t go out on weekends. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. In fact, I don’t do much of anything. Talking included. So if you don’t mind, I would like to just sit here quietly and fly the plane.” Kevin laughed at the pilot’s well-rehearsed reproach. Then, he turned silently to watch the stars sail by.
The soft beeping escaped both of their attention at first, so focused were they on ignoring the other. The soft noise quickly escalated to a blaring siren. Both eyes flew to the instrument panel, searching frantically for the disturbance. When Morgan’s eyes saw the rapidly descending fuel gauge, he began to panic.
“What is wrong with this thing?” He bellowed. Kevin jumped in his seat, his eyes wider than saucers. Morgan cringed. The last thing he needed right now was a jumpy co-pilot. Something was wrong. They were losing altitude. He knew in a matter of minutes the plane would be nearly uncontrollable. He gave Kevin the run-down of gauges to inspect while he quickly switched to the second fuel tank, praying it had enough fuel to save them from disaster.
*****
John settled his sleeping fiancée on the couch, needing a drink to calm his shaky nerves. Being this close to Marlena in the place that held such significance for them shattered his nerves. A nice glass of brandy would probably do the trick quite nicely. Then he could sit back and enjoy the scent of her without having to work so hard to suppress his desire to ravage her then and there.
As soon as John stood, he knew there was a problem. The plane was lurching slightly as if it were caught in some unseen turbulence. He glanced out the tiny plane window, but saw nothing. With each passing second, the plane began to tremble more viciously. The children began to stir from their slumber. He glanced back at Marlena to see her wide eyes upon him. The fear he saw there frightened him to the core. Suddenly, the pilot’s voice came booming into the cabin.
“We are experiencing some technical difficulties. I’m going to need everyone to buckle up, NOW,” Eric and Sami woke with a start, fumbling with their seat belts as best they could. Brady began to cry for his father. John raced to his side and carried him over to Marlena.
“Buckle him with you and don’t move! I’m going to see what’s going on,” His voice was fierce with protection. Marlena wanted to scream for him not to leave them, but she couldn’t speak. Brady began to scream for his daddy. Marlena tried desperately to whisper words of soothing comfort to the boy, but the fear coursing through her veins prevented anything from escaping her lips. She just hugged him tightly to her, kissing his pudgy cheek and smoothing his tousled brown hair.
“Mom, I’m scared!” Sami screamed. “What’s happening?” Marlena finally found her voice as she stared deep into the frightened eyes of her daughter.
“I don’t know, Baby, but we’re going to be okay, I promise,” She willed the statement to be true.
*****
*****
The second John stepped into the cockpit he knew they were going down. The blaring of malfunctioning machines and the flashing of red warning lights was impossible to miss. The pilot glared back at him furious at having been ignored. With eyes of fire flashing, he spoke.
“We have lost nearly all of our fuel and two engines have failed for no apparent reason. We are going down and there is very little we can do about it. If you don’t get back in there and prepare for a crash landing, you will die. Now, get out of here!” Morgan screamed. Kevin glanced at his long-time friend.
“Go, John. Do what you can to save your family!” He warned. Trembling with fear, John raced back to the cabin. Marlena’s terrified glance met his the minute he stepped into the cabin.
“What’s going on?” She screamed, barely able to hear her own voice above the din.
“We’re going to crash. Get on your oxygen masks and prepare yourself for the impact. There’s nothing they can do. We’re going down.” He gave her one last fierce kiss as he yanked the oxygen masks from their resting place. “Know this, Marlena Evans. Whatever happens, I love you. ” He glanced at the teenagers sitting across the cabin. “I love both of you more than you’ll ever know and you too, little guy.” He shouted. Tears streamed down Marlena’s cheeks.
“This can’t happen. It can’t end like this. It can’t. We’ve just finally found our happiness.” John shook his head.
“One moment in the warmth of your love was better than a lifetime without. No matter what happens we’ve finally found our love and that will remain with us until our last breath whether that be now or 50 years from now. It will stay with us all.” His gaze encompassed them all in its love.
The plane was now descending at breakneck speed. They all knew they had mere moments before the impact. Marlena held to John’s hand as they placed their heads between their knees. Sami held to Eric, drawing strength from his peace. They each prayed to heaven for courage to face whatever might occur. John cast one final look at Marlena, memorizing her every feature to plant in his memory. Whatever happened he’d never forget her. She glanced up at him, terror swimming in her glistening eyes.
Without a word, she conveyed her fear to John and he felt helpless. He ran a gentle hand across her cheek and wiped her tears away with his thumb as he’d done so many times. Both couldn’t help but wonder if this had been the last time. He could feel that plane was nearing the ground. The impact was coming soon. He threaded her hand in his more tightly and held them to his heart.
“I love you, baby,” He whispered, the oxygen mask shrouding the words in a haze, but Marlena heard them, not with her heart, but with her soul. With her own soul, she repeated the words, holding onto them a as silent mantra just as everything went black.
The plane leveled out just moments before it slammed into the ground. Sparks flew as the metallic plane rushed over rocky terrain. Trees tore at the roof of the plane, peeling it back as the plane continued upon it deadly course. Shrapnel from the plane exploded onto the mountainside as Morgan fought to stop the plane before it collided with the oncoming mountain. Kevin lay unconscious in the seat beside him, useless in the time of greatest need. For the first time in his adult life, Morgan prayed, screaming at the top of his lungs he saw the mountain rushing to meet him. His primal scream echoed across the countryside and then suddenly ceased. The plane attacked the mountain with vigor, stopping only after mauling the entire cockpit to dust. At last the plane halted, its contents strewn about the nearby countryside with reckless abandon.
The cabin looked like a battlefield. The young bodies of Eric and Sami lay strewn upon the floor like rag-dolls, surrounded in a pool of blood. Only Brady’s hand could be seen beneath the limp body of Marlena. The hand was covered in blood, more likely Marlena’s than his own. A giant gash down Marlena’s left side hemorrhaged. John lay cradled against Marlena’s broken frame, desperately attempting to protect her one last time. The only sound that could be heard was the tortured sound of Brady’s cries, which echoed ceaselessly into the uncaring night. No one could hear the little boy’s screams.
*****
*** Roman hung up with Marlena’s parents, assured that they would have Marlena contact him the minute that she arrived. He already felt a load lifting. He stretched out upon the couch, unable to force himself to sleep in the bed he had once shared with his beloved wife. He felt much more relaxed about things now, though. He knew that he’d made the correct decision. Shane had been disappointed to lose Roman, but he’d understood Roman’s need to be near his children. He’d encouraged Roman to make up for lost time. Roman felt himself drifting to sleep before he even knew it.
Roman awoke with a sense of impending doom to the sound of the doorbell ringing. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his bones. Marlena and the children were in danger. He thrust open the door just as Abe moved to leave.
“What’s happened to them, Abe?” He asked, his knowing eyes seeing right through Abe’s calm facade.
“You better sit down, partner,” Abe instructed, leading him toward the couch. Roman shook him off furiously.
“Just tell me, Abe. What’s wrong?” He angrily replied. Abe ran nervous fingers through his hair, doing his level best to avoid Roman’s gaze.
“There’s been an accident. The Titan plane went down. Marlena, John and the children were aboard. They are all presumed dead. I’m sorry, Roman. So sorry.” Abe’s gaze met Roman’s for a singular moment that would haunt Abe until the day he died. The anguish behind those startling clear blue eyes would break the composure of the strongest man. Abe felt as if he too might die.
“NO!!!!!!!!!” Roman bellowed into the night. He collapsed onto the floor. He rocked back and forth sobbing with forlorn anguish. His sobs tore Abe from the inside out. Abe dropped to the floor beside him, enveloping his friend in arms of comfort.
“It’s going to be okay, buddy,” Abe whispered. Roman angrily pushed Abe away.
“How is it going to be okay, Abe? The people I loved more than life were just killed in a plane crash. The last words I had with any of them weren’t words of love. Marlena and I fought and I left my children to think that I couldn’t care less what happened to them. I failed them and now it’s too late. Tell me, Abraham, how is it going to be okay?” Roman’s devastation instantly filled the house with mourning so heavy that Abe could barely stand to stay. He ached for his friend’s loss as well as his own. The tears flowed freely from his chocolate eyes as he moved to the phone.
“I’m going to call your parents.” Abe informed him. “You need them.”
“Don’t tell them this over the phone. Just tell them to come over.” Roman instructed. Abe nodded obediently. As he spoke to Shawn Brady, Roman walked to the mantle removing a picture of their happy family and clutching it close to his chest. He looked up to heaven. “What have I done?” He choked in agony. “What have I done?”
Shawn and Caroline Brady arrived at Roman’s house less than twenty minutes after Abe’s call. The cryptic manner in which Abe had asked them to come to Roman’s struck fear deep in their hearts. Something must be dreadfully wrong or Abe would have told them why they were needed. Before they could even ring the doorbell, Abe threw the door open and stood silently before them. He quickly closed the door behind him, but the sound of Roman’s sobs could still be heard through the heavy door. Caroline clutched to Shawn’s arm, praying for strength to face whatever terrors awaited them this dreadful night.
“Abe, what’s wrong?” Shawn asked tentatively, almost wishing he didn’t have to find out.
“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there’s been a plane crash. Something went wrong with the Titan jet and it went down. John, Marlena, Sami, Eric and Brady were all aboard. We’ve not been able to even locate the remnants of the plane. Everyone is presumed dead,” He spoke his dreadful news, keeping his gaze steadied upon the bushes just beyond Caroline. If he allowed himself to see their grief right now, he might collapse. That simply couldn’t happen. Too many things had to happen. Too many people had to be informed and details needed to be cared for. Roman wasn’t in any condition to handle anything right now. Abe knew he must keep himself in control to handle things for his best friend.
Caroline gasped, finding it difficult to draw a breath. Her knees sank beneath her. Shawn held her up more with sheer willpower than with actual strength for he too felt like he might cave. The words rang over and over in Caroline’s head. “Everyone is presumed dead.” How could they be dead? She’d just talked to Marlena that afternoon. She’d sounded tired, but contented. And now, she was dead. Without a second thought, she shrugged off the comfort of Shawn’s embrace and raced into the house. She needed to hold her son in her arms, to dry the tears and end the sobs. She had to be with him.
The sight that met her eyes the minute she stepped into the house was almost too much to bear. Roman sat in a disheveled mess upon the floor, his head resting against the wall. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen. When she approached him, he didn’t even acknowledge her presence. His voice echoed eerily in the house, his low keen raising the hair on her arms. She whispered his name lovingly, but he heard nothing. His world lay in tatters at his feet and the duty now fell upon her to help him rebuild. She sank to the floor beside him and took his hand. His gaze met hers for a moment, before he enveloped her in a smothering embrace. Tears streamed silently down her cheeks. It wasn’t right for a parent to have to bury a child, but to bury two children and a spouse, albeit an estranged spouse, was more than any man should be asked to bear. She just held on to him as tightly as she could, praying away the pain, all the while knowing that her prayers could bring no solace to her grief-stricken son.
*******
Carrie Brady awoke to the phone ringing in her ear. She ignored it for as long as she could, but the caller just wouldn’t hang up. Deciding it must be important, she hoisted the phone to her ear and mumbled a disgruntled hello. Her grandpa’s voice startled her. He was the last person she’d expected to hear. Suddenly, wide-awake, she sat up straight in the bed, nervously smoothing the covers around her.
“Carrie darling, we need you to come over to your dad and Marlena’s right away,” Shawn informed her, not wasting any time on the typical pleasantries. His calling the house Marlena’s surprised Carrie. Something must be seriously wrong or he wouldn’t have made such a slip-up. Roman wouldn’t have allowed it.
“Granpa, what’s wrong?” She asked.
“I’ll tell you when you get here. Just hurry, darling,” He was obviously skirting an issue that he didn’t want to discuss over the phone. Her fear intensified.
“I’ll be over as soon as I can, granpa.” She hung up the phone and grabbed the nearest pair of jeans, sliding them on as she walked. She threw on a wrinkled T-shirt and slipped on a pair of canvas tennis shoes. She scrawled a note to Billie and ran to Austin’s place, nearly breaking the door down in her vigor. “Austin, wake up. Austin,” She shouted.
Austin threw open the door wearing nothing but a pair of boxers. The sight of his muscled body did nothing for Carrie, so frightened was she. The look in her eyes scared Austin. He took her arm and led her into the apartment.
“What’s wrong, Carrie?” He asked nervously.
“To tell the truth, Austin, I don’t know. My Granpa just called and told me to get over to Dad and Marlena’s as soon as I could. He wouldn’t tell me anything else. Something’s really wrong though. I could hear it in his voice. And I thought I heard someone crying in the background. I need you to drive me over there,” She explained. The last sentence fell on deaf ears. He had already grabbed a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and was hastily dressing. There was no chance he would send her over there alone. She was going to need him. She had been through enough pain lately; he would never send her to face more without being there to hold her hand. Carrie was silently grateful that God had given her such a perceptive boyfriend, who never failed to attend to her every little need. If she had ever needed him, now was the time. In minutes, he had grabbed his keys and was ushering Carrie out the door. Before they left, he pulled her to him gently and held her there for a moment.
“Whatever is wrong, I’m going to be here for you, Carrie. You can count on that,” She smiled weakly.
“I know,” She whispered, tears clogging her throat. “Come on. Let’s go.” She led the way, nearly running down the narrow hallway.
*******
Eric could hear the muffled cries of his baby brother. The tortured cries ate at his soul as he desperately tried to awaken himself. He was lost in some heavy fog and no matter how he tried, he was unable to even see through it, let alone try to walk through it. He could tell it was some dream world, or something of the like, but he couldn’t escape it now matter how hard he tried. Every turn he made seemed to make Brady’s cries further and further away. He tried to scream Brady’s name, to tell him that help was coming, but his mouth wouldn’t function. As he tried to walk, his legs felt leaden beneath him, each step becoming progressively harder until he collapsed into a tangled heap upon the fog-laden ground. He tried to call out for his mother, but again he couldn’t form the words. Feeling useless, he closed his eyes upon the tears that threatened to spill and then everything went dark.
*******
Carrie sat numbly upon the couch, having remained silent since the news had been delivered to her. She couldn’t cry. The pain was too new, too unbelievably incredible. Surely, everyone had been mistaken. They couldn’t all be dead. Things weren’t supposed to happen that way. When true love finally found one another, they were supposed to live happily ever after. At least, they always had in the fairy tales she’d been told millions of times as a child. She was beginning to doubt the truth of fairytales, maybe even the truth of love itself. If a love as great as John and Marlena’s could end in such a travesty; how could a love such as hers and Austin’s survive?
She could hear the droning sound of her father’s voice as he slowly repeated over and over again how everything was his fault. If he hadn’t gotten angry with Marlena and accused her of using the children on the phone that day, they would never have even left for Colorado so soon. His anger and foolish pride had brought this all upon them. Carrie thought she might explode if she heard his desolate voice for one more second. In desperation, she ran from the house. She settled on the swingset she and the twins had shared as children. She fell onto the swing and held her arms tight around her body as she sobbed. This just couldn’t be true.
*******
Eric could hear the sound of his father’s voice. It was low and thick with exhaustion. He was blaming himself for something. Eric tried to reach out to his father, but couldn’t quite locate him. He searched and searched, inwardly screaming for his father to help him. He suddenly needed his father, more than had ever before and he couldn’t find him. His legs wouldn’t support his lanky frame for long, so again he fell upon the ground. Finally summoning all the courage and voice he could summon, he screamed his father’s name, finding his mouth cooperative to this task. Just the release seemed to bring him some peace and he allowed himself to drift back off to sleep.
The scream echoed across the mountainside, stirring Marlena from her unconscious state. Her body was wracked with pain, but she’d heard Eric’s voice, a scream so laced with desperation that she could feel the hairs on her arm raise. She couldn’t move, so she whispered a soothing lullaby to her son, feeling Brady’s body quiet beneath her. With all the strength she could muster, she tried again to move, lifting herself off of Brady. She lay his blood-covered body upon the couch beside her and then collapsed, the pain having overwhelmed her.
*******
Roman sat up, his ears perked up as if he’d heard something. Everyone in the room stared at him. He’d been blocking out everything since the minute he’d received the news, but suddenly he’d tuned his ears on some unheard voice. Deep in his heart, Roman knew he’d just heard Eric’s cry, had felt in his soul his son’s need for him. He instantly knew without a doubt that his son was out there somewhere, waiting for someone to rescue him. He wasn’t dead. Roman could feel it in his bones. His mother crossed the room, placing a soothing hand on his shoulder.
“What’s the matter, dear?” She asked. Roman just stared into space, the sound of Eric’s sound suddenly drowned out by the muffled sound of Marlena singing and a sound he thought might be Brady crying. They were alive too. Maybe none of them had died. They were just lost and in desperate need of help.
“They’re not dead, Mom,” he answered assuredly. Caroline recognized the hint of denial in his voice.
“I know it’s hard to believe, but they are dead, Roman. You heard Abe. Not a trace of the plane can be found. No survivors. If they were still alive, we’d have heard something by now,” She answered, trying to make him face the truth.
“No, Mom. They are presumed dead. ‘Presumed.’ That means no one can find anything to prove them dead or alive. But I have to change that. They need me and I am going to find them, all of them.” Abe stepped forward.
“Roman, you’ve got to face the truth. They aren’t coming back. Nothing you can say or do will bring them back,” He looked his friend right in the eye. Roman stared back with fierce intensity.
“You have a right to believe that and I have the right to prove you wrong,” He grabbed his coat and headed towards the door. “I am going to find Marlena and the children and I am going to bring them home. You can all believe what you want, but I can feel in my heart them calling out to me. They need me. I’ve failed them too many times. I’m not letting them down this time.” He stormed out the front door, leaving his puzzled family in his wake. Kim, who had just driven up, stopped him before he escaped.
“Where are you going, bud?” She asked, seeing the steel determination in his eyes.
“I’m going to find Marlena and the kids.” She smiled. This was the Roman she remembered. The one who never gave up on the people he loved. Impetuously, she threw her arms around him. “What was that for?” he asked.
“Because I’m proud of you. You’re becoming the brother I always looked up to again. And I just love that guy so much,” He gave a half-hearted laugh and hugged her in return.
“Well, if you love me so much, why don’t you come along and help me search for my family. I don’t know where they are, but I know they need me. I’ve just got to find them before it’s too late.”
“Okay, I’ll arrange for my kids to stay with Mom and Pop and I’ll come with you. You know that you’re going to need Abe too. And drafting Shane and all his ISA crew wouldn’t be too bad an idea.” She replied, carefully making plans for the most efficient search party she could think of.
“You’re right. I’ll make you a deal. If you sign Shane on, I’ll take care of everything else,” Kim sighed deeply.
“As if signing on my ex-husband was an easy task,” she muttered beneath her breath. “Sure, Roman, I’ll get right on that,” She agreed, heading into the house. She prayed that Marlena, John and the children could hold on until they arrived. But even if they didn’t, Roman could once again be proud of who he was. He was a Brady after-all, and Brady’s never gave up. She laughed at herself, only that afternoon she’d been mentally condemning him for that same Brady pride. It was good to see the Irish in him being put to good use. She grabbed the phone as soon as she entered, ignoring the questioning stares of the house’s occupants.
“Yes,” She answered. “I need to speak to Shane Donovan. This is Kimberly Brady. Tell him it’s urgent,” His secretary quickly patched her through.
“This is Donovan,” Shane answered, unsure whether to be suspicious or excited. He hadn’t heard from Kim in ages, the children either for that matter. He couldn’t help the small twinge of excitement that surged through him at the sound of her voice.
“Shane, it’s Kim. I have a giant favor to ask.” He sighed, his inclination to be suspicious had been right.
“What do you need, Kim?” He asked.
“Marlena, John, Sami, Eric and Brady were all in the Titan jet. It went down only hours ago, but all of the rescue efforts have been futile. The police have told us that they’re all dead.” She quickly replied. Shane couldn’t believe his ears. Surely, this must be wrong.
“Why don’t they check their radar screens for the last location of the plane?”
“Well, that would seem logical, but according to the information we’ve received, the radar on the Titan jet was malfunctioning and their last known location was pinpointed on the runway. Someone must have been slacking off because it wasn’t even noticed until long after that mayday came over the wire. The rescue teams have searched all the places that they found most logical, but haven’t found anything.”
“So where do I fit in?” Shane inquired.
“Well, first off, we would like to request the help of the ISA in locating them and secondly Roman and I would like to request your help. We need a search team that isn’t going to give up and is trained for such situations. We really need your help. I know this is asking a lot, but if you can’t do it for me, please do it for Roman. This means everything to him,” Shane ran his fingers through his hair and leaned back in his giant leather chair, mentally contemplating the amount of men and time would be needed for such a task. Deciding that his friend’s lives were worth the cost, he nodded his head slowly, warming to the idea of working on the field again instead of being cooped up behind this desk.
“Ok I will do it. It’s going to take me a couple of hours to get back to Salem, but by the time I am there I should have everything arranged. We’re going find them. Tell Roman I said that, OK?
Tell him my thoughts and prayers are with him,” Kim smiled a giant smile.
“I’ll do that, Shane. Thank you. Thank you so much. This means more to me than you’ll ever know.”
“Don’t worry about it. They’re my friends too. I will call you before we land and let you know all the details. You and Roman need to rest up. It’s going to be a long time before you’ll have another chance.”
“I’ll do that, but I can’t promise Roman will. You know Roman,” She laughed.
“Yes, I do. Well, I’ll talk to you in a bit. Bye now,” He hung up, leaving Kim feeling elated. Abe and Roman both stood by, anxiously awaiting Shane’s response.
“Well,” Roman prodded.
“Well, he said yes. He’ll be in Salem in a few hours and he’ll have everything settled. Gentleman, I believe we now have the makings of a grand search party.” She smiled. Roman gave a half-hearted smile.
“A few hours is a long time. I’m going to go see what I can do in the meantime. Call me when Shane gets here,” And he was gone. Abe and Kim stood in his wake, having expected no less.
“Kim, do you really think that they’re alive?” Abe asked, the family having gathered around to hear her answer.
“I don’t know, Abe, but Roman does. And for now that’s all I need. He’s committed to his family again and he’s on the rapid road to reclaiming himself. Even if we never find them, he’s going to be Roman Brady again. Not just some pod person playing a role which doesn’t belong to him. But Roman Augustus Brady. The proud Irish policeman with a heart of gold and a determination of steel. For now, that’s enough for me.” Kim answered, proudly beaming.
Roman drove to the airport trying to develop a game plan as he drove. His mind was muddled from days of not sleeping, but he was going to do everything in his will to save his family. As he pulled into the airport parking lot, he stared up at the night sky, the stars beaming with uncharacteristic tenacity.
“I’m going to find you.” He shouted to the sky. “Just hang on. Fight for me and I’ll fight for you. I’m coming!” He could feel his heartbeat accelerate. “I’m your family and I’m not giving up on any of you. Please don’t give up on me!”
*******
Marlena raised her head, pain pounding like a jackhammer with her every movement. She could have sworn she heard Roman’s voice, right there beside her. He’d been asking her not to give up on him. With each sound accentuating the pain in her torn body, she cried.
“We’re here, Roman. Come find us,” Her voice was barely audible, but she knew his heart had heard her cry. “Come find us,” Again, her energy abandoned her and the pain became more than she could bear. Her body fell into a disheveled heap against John’s. She had done all she knew to do. The rest was up to Roman.
The faint sound of a heartbeat sounded loudly in her ears. It was irregular and ever so slow, as if with each passing second it slipped further into the fading night. She knew in her heart to whom the beating belonged, yet she prayed it did not signal what she feared it might. John simply couldn’t leave her now. She had risked everything to be with him and they finally had a chance at a happiness all their own. Without him, she knew she’d be nothing but a hollow shell. Within John lay all her hope for the future, all of her dreams, all of her happiness. She just didn’t think she could go on living without him by her side. She tried to awaken herself. She knew that if she could simply wake up she could help him, somehow, someway. But her body had different ideas. She couldn’t even open her eyes. Inwardly, she sobbed as she offered up a prayer for her fallen love.
“Dear God, please don’t take him yet. I’ve just gotten him back. Please don’t punish us like that. Please,” She cried, feeling as if her own heart were being savagely rent in two. Finally, having expended all of her energy trying to rouse herself, she fell back into a troubled sleep, haunted by ghostly figures who tore John and the children from her. The figures laughed as she collapsed into a broken heap, destitute without the ones she loved.
*********
Shane, Kim, Abe and Roman sat on a plane flying to an unknown destination. No one spoke. The tension surrounding them all was so thick it could have been cut with a knife. Everyone had delayed their grief, confidant that the search would bring results, but they’d already searched out two possible crash sites with no sign of the Titan jet. The ISA team had spread itself across two states, questioning every possible witness if they’d seen any sign of the wreckage. All to no avail. Shane, Kim, and Abe begun to give up hope of finding their friends. And even if they did find them, if they didn’t do it soon it might very well be too late. If any of them were in critical condition, they might not survive much longer.
Roman stared resolutely out the window. He could feel that his companions were giving up, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t blame them for giving up. They didn’t have the soul connection that he shared with Marlena and the children. The children were a part of him and Marlena, well, his soul would always bear a connection with Marlena. She was under his skin, probably always would be. But that thought no longer plagued him. It just kind of made him sad that he had lost her. Suddenly, seeing her alive and happy seemed much more important than anything, even if she was with John. He had to find her before it was too late. He knew he wasn’t in denial. His family was alive, at least barely, and they needed him. He couldn’t quench the burning sensation within him that urged him on, giving him hope that he could find them.
Suddenly, he had a flash of intuition. He could tell that they were near the crash site. He jumped from his seat and headed up to the cockpit. The pilot could sense his urgency and had been told that this mission was of utmost importance. As soon as Roman spoke, he obeyed. “We need to find a place to land. We’re near the crash site. I can feel it,” Roman stated. The pilot began scanning the ground for any place to land. A giant corn field seemed as good a place as any. He smiled up at Roman.
“Go put your seatbelt on. This might be a little bumpy,” Roman grinned confidently and raced back to the cabin.
“We’re landing. We’re close to them. I can feel it,” Abe stared at his friend in disbelief, wishing he could find the confidence that Roman had. “Buckle up. He’s sitting us down in a cornfield and then we’re on our own. We’re going to find them this time.” The pilot eased the plane down onto the abandoned cornfield. The jolt startled them all. Before anyone could even think straight, Roman was opening the door and jumping down from the plane. He stared up at his friends. “Aren’t you coming?” Shane, Abe, and Kim unbuckled themselves and followed Roman. Shane lifted Kim down, his eyes locking with hers as she slowly lowered to the ground.
She shivered as she stood beside him. Shane could feel the acceleration of his heartbeat at the nearness of her. He mentally castigated himself for such a childish reaction. His body was simply reacting to the excitement of the moment. He shook it off and followed the path that Roman was making through the corn. He turned back and glanced at Kim.
“Are you coming?” She nodded blankly and ran to catch up with them. She was going to have to get herself under control if she was going to be of any use to anyone.
***********
Carrie stretched out on the couch, her legs cramping from hours of sitting by the phone. Austin dozed on the floor below her. Her grandparents were sleeping upstairs. No one seemed able to leave the house. They hadn’t the heart to even call anyone to tell them the dreadful news. Anyone who hadn’t been contacted by Abe already had no idea that the plane had gone down. Carrie’s eyes ached from a night spent alternating between a restless sleep and bouts of sobbing. Austin had been there to comfort and hold her, but he’d finally collapsed, too tired to even hold his head up. She’d pretended to sleep too, but her mind wouldn’t shut off long enough to actually rest. She’d gone through every imagined possible ending to this terrible nightmare and very few of the possibilities were positive. Every passing hour led her closer to believing that the negative possibilities were much more probable. A small sliver of sunlight sneaked its finger through the window. She stepped carefully over Austin and pulled the curtains closed, unable to stand the sunlight when her life contained such darkness. The sound woke Austin. He sat up, his eyes filled with concern for his girlfriend.
“Any news?” He gently asked as he walked to her side. She silently shook her head and let him envelop her in his strong arms. He softly kissed the top of her head and held her a little more closely. “Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down in your old bedroom? You are exhausted and I could man the fort down here for awhile.”
“It wouldn’t do any good,” She whispered, shaking her head. “I can’t sleep anyway. My mind won’t shut off.”
“Okay, then, let’s just sit on the couch and I’ll hold you for awhile. You’ve been holding your own for far too many hours. Sometimes, I’d swear your mom was Marlena. She used to do the same thing to your Dad all the time.” Tears formed in Carrie’s eyes at the mention of Marlena’s name. A slight shiver crept across her slender frame. Austin gently turned her around in his arms. The pain in her eyes shot an arrow into his heart. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t say that to hurt you.”
“I know that. It’s just, I can’t imagine never seeing her again. Not having her to come to with my problems or share my excitement with. She was more than a stepmother, she was my friend and one of my best friends at that. I can’t imagine not having her around anymore.” Austin nodded his head in understanding and pulled her to him again. She settled against his broad chest, her hot tears moistening his T-shirt. A knock at the door caused them both to jump. Austin held Carrie back, looking into her bloodshot eyes.
“I’ll get it. You stay right here,” He walked to the door, knowing full well that Carrie would be right behind him. She couldn’t be much more like Marlena if Marlena had given birth to her. He opened the door to find Mickey Horton standing on the front porch with a large manila envelope in his hand. “Mickey, what are you doing here?” He asked, puzzled. He was sure that no one had told any of the Hortons.
“I could ask you the same thing. Where’s Roman? I need to talk to him.” Carrie stepped into view. Her disheveled appearance frightened Mickey. “Is there anything wrong? Is Roman all right?” Austin linked his hand with Carrie’s. Carrie latched herself onto Austin, feeling completely miserable. Now began the real agony, delivering the news to dear family friends. Telling people that John and Marlena were . . . gone.
“Why don’t you come in, Mickey?” Mickey stepped into the house, unable to miss the hint of devastation and mourning hanging in the air. “Roman’s not here right now. Um, there was an accident on the Titan jet. John, Marlena, Eric, Sami and Brady were all aboard. They have been presumed dead. Roman, Abe, Kim and Shane Donovan went out to find them, but we haven’t heard any news in about six hours.” Mickey gasped, flabbergasted. He could already imagine himself having to tell his wife that Marlena was dead.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’m very sorry, Carrie,” Carrie nodded weakly. Mickey turned to go, waving the envelope in his hand as he did. “Wait a minute, Mickey. If you didn’t know, why are you here?” Mickey couldn’t believe how incredibly bad his timing was. He’d come to deliver the final divorce papers to Roman. Everything was settled. He and Marlena were no longer married. They just had to settle the property and the custody of the children.
“I came to give these to your Dad,” He answered, handing the papers to Carrie. She opened the envelope, her eyes wide with disbelief.
“Carrie, what is it?” Austin asked.
“These are Dad and Marlena’s divorce papers.” She replied incredulously. “Mickey, how did you get everything settled so quickly?”
“Your dad had me put a rush on everything. He filed practically as soon as he found everything out. Marlena didn’t put up a fight. She sent them back a few days ago and everything is over now. They’re legally divorced.”
“But don’t they have to go to court or anything?” Carrie asked.
“Well, since Marlena didn’t contest, they don’t have to go for the actual divorce. They have to go to settle the property and to determine custody. I mean they would have had to,” He answered, feeling terrible about the whole thing and knowing that Roman would too. “Look, I am really sorry. We’ll say a prayer for you and your family,” Carrie nodded, folding herself into Austin’s arms, simply wanting to disappear.
“Thanks, Mickey. Don’t tell many people if you can help it. We’re trying to keep everything out of the papers until we get more details,” Austin ushered Mickey down the front walk, leaving Carrie standing alone just inside the door.
“Take care of Carrie. I’m sure Maggie will be over later to check on everyone. Give Shawn and Caroline my condolences.”
“I will. Thanks, Mickey,” Austin waved and walked back to the house. Carrie stood waiting just where he’d left her.
“I think I will go up to bed. But will you come with me?” Austin stared blankly at her. She’d been waiting for the perfect time to consummate their relationship. Now seemed a bit odd choice.
“Carrie, your grandparents are here. I don’t think now is the best time.”
“Austin, I just need you to hold me. That’s all. Can you just hold me until I fall asleep?” Her voice quivered sadly. He nodded and lifted her into his arms. She dropped the divorce papers on the table by the door and rested her head against his chest as he carried her up the stairs. He pulled back the cover and laid her on the bed. She snuggled against the pillow. He slipped in beside her and wrapped her in a comforting embrace. She shuddered, her tears forming a small puddle on the pillow beneath her.
“I love you, Carrie. I’m going to help you through this,” Austin whispered softly. His only answer was an occasional sniff. Before long, the tears stopped and Carrie’s even breathing told him that she’d fallen asleep. He settled a little more comfortably into the bed and within minutes found himself joining her in slumberland.
***************
Caroline awoke to the phone ringing loudly in her ear. She sat up, only vaguely remembering falling asleep. She groggily answered, trying to recall exactly why she was sleeping in Roman and Marlena’s bed. Shawn seemed oblivious to the sound of the phone, continuing to snore with vigor. The voice on the other end startled Caroline, forcing her to recall every detail of the past few hours.
‘Yes, this is Martha Evans. Marlena wouldn’t happen to be there would she?” Caroline couldn’t believe no one had thought to call Marlena’s parents. They had been expecting Marlena many hours ago. Caroline softly cleared her throat and prepared herself to drop the bomb on Marlena’s mother.
“Hi, Martha, this is Caroline. I am afraid Marlena isn’t here,” Martha hurried on before Caroline could finish her news.
“Well, would you happen to know where she is? She and John were supposed to be here hours ago and we haven’t heard a thing from them. We’re starting to get worried,” Caroline again prepared herself to share the tragic news.
“I’m afraid I don’t know where Marlena is, but I do have some news. You probably need to sit down,” Martha turned pale. Frank instantly rushed to her side, baffled by the sudden change in her demeanor. She gone from merely worried to completely alarmed in microseconds.
“What is it, Caroline?” She whispered, terrified of any answer Caroline might have to offer.
“There’s been an accident. The Titan jet had some technical difficulties and the plane went down. They aren’t sure where it crashed, but right now it doesn’t look good at all. Everyone aboard is presumed dead,” Just saying the words caused Caroline’s stomach to churn viciously. She’d been in Martha’s shoes when they’d delivered the news that Roman had died. Nothing could erase the ache in her heart left vacant by the death of her son until she saw him again and held him in her arms, or at least who she thought was him. Martha may never get this same luxury and Caroline’s heart broke for the distraught woman on the other end of the line. It was obvious Martha had dropped the phone. Only her deep heaving sobs could be heard across the line. Frank’s soft words of comfort lulled Caroline into a false sense of security; but she knew the instant he knew of Marlena’s death, he would have no words of comfort, perhaps no words at all. When it became obvious Martha wasn’t going to be able to tell him what she’d learned, Frank picked up the phone. Tentatively, he asked. “Caroline, what’s happened to my baby?” Caroline thought she could bear no more. She drew a deep breath, her own agony becoming apparent across the phone line. Shawn stirred in his sleep, waking to stare up at his wife in confusion.
“I’m so sorry, Frank, but Marlena’s gone. There was an accident in the Titan jet and it went down. All the children and John were aboard too. Everyone is presumed dead. I’m so sorry, Frank. I would have called but I assumed someone else had let you know.” Frank sighed heavily, the weight of the world now resting on his broad shoulders.
“No, that’s all right, Caroline. I understand. How’s Roman taking it?” Frank knew that his son-in-law cared immensely for Marlena despite any differences that may have lay between them and Roman thought the world of his children. Just that evening, he’d spoken with Roman and Roman had told them that he’d given up his job at the ISA to spend time with the children, to make this blended family work out. He’d never intended to neglect or hurt his children. And now they were gone. He must be beyond inconsolable.
“He doesn’t believe that they’re dead. He’s taking an ISA team along with Abe and Kim and has gone off looking for them. He’s quite determined that they’re alive. From all police reports, it seems highly unlikely that anyone survived. He blames himself. He won’t quit searching until he finds them, dead or alive.” Caroline whispered the last few words softly.
“Thank you for telling us, Caroline. When you get more news, please let us know,” Caroline nodded blankly, barely whispering her reply. “We’ll do that. I’m so sorry, Frank. Take care of Martha.” “I will. You take care of yourself. Good bye.” Frank hung up, feeling as if his entire world had just caved. Only hours ago, he’d been anxiously awaiting the arrival of his only remaining daughter and now he was forced to consider the imminent probability of that precious child’s funeral. It just didn’t seem quite fair. He tenderly wrapped his wife into his arms, his tears mingling with hers. The house that been so full of excitement and anticipation now hung heavy with mourning. Frank couldn’t help but wonder how a day could make such a difference in all of their lives.
Caroline hung the phone up to find Shawn’s giant arms waiting to envelop her. She climbed into his lap and let him hold her tightly to his chest, her small frame dwarfed against his chest. No tears would come. Only deep aching, heaving sobs accompanied only by the inward shattering of her heart. The tears would have felt better than the empty sobs now plaguing her.
“Why, God?” She whispered. “Why must you take them all?”
**********
The cornfield gave way to a small mountain range. Roman could tell it was going to take hours to even reach the top of the first peak. If they were going to have any chance at saving the crash victims, they were going to have to separate. He stopped for a moment, inwardly listening for any sign as to which path to follow. He could only hear the racing of his own heartbeat. Quickly, he just assigned directions, ensuring that Kim didn’t go off by herself. He instructed the others to fire their guns if they found anything. Then they headed down their varied paths, praying that they find the pot of gold at the trail’s end.
***********
Marlena could sense the impending nearness of Roman’s presence. He was somewhere very close and he was searching for them. She softly whispered his name and prayed that he would find them . . . before it was too late for them all.
Roman slowly hiked up the next cliff, his body already aching from his evening of scaling mountains. He couldn’t see anything in front of him. The only sign of life in the deadened surroundings seemed to be the light from his flashlight slicing through the night. He’d been walking for hours. He quickly checked in with the others using the headset walkie-talkies that they were all wearing. He had repeated this action at least every hour, without any encouraging news, but he couldn’t force himself to give up yet. After discovering no one else had located anything yet either he decided to review the rescue plan one more time. Whomever located the wreckage first would notify the others over the headset and fire off a flare to give the others a visual on their location. Then Shane would notify the ISA to send the emergency helicopter that he had placed on stand-by. Shane gave an annoyed agreement and promised he wouldn’t forget any detail of the plan. It had been his plan after-all. Roman signed off from the others and resumed his search.
His hope was slowly beginning to fade. He felt no closer to Marlena and the kids now than he did when they landed, but he also felt no further away from them. They were near. He could feel it in his bones, along with a steady ache from such strenuous activity. He hadn’t hiked like this in years. He gently rubbed his temples, which had begun to pound relentlessly. Maybe he needed a rest. He slumped to the ground, the metallic chill of the rock shocking his sweaty body. He dropped his head in his hands, the fervent hope he’d felt earlier seeming to dim some now. It’d been so many hours now. What if he found them too late? He couldn’t bear the thought of having lost them only because he hadn’t found them soon enough. He whispered a silent prayer that he’d find them soon. He prayed that Marlena would scream or maybe Eric would call out to him. He just needed to get some sign from them and he knew he could find them in moments. Just one sign.
***
Marlena woke again, finally feeling able to rouse herself from her resting place. The wound in her side sent shooting pains throughout her body. She could feel fresh blood oozing from it. She grabbed a blanket, which lay nearby, and wrapped it gently around her side, attempting to stem the bleeding. It seemed to help some. She forced herself to stand, feeling faint from the mere effort. Gingerly, she took a step, testing the plane’s stability as well as her own. The plane didn’t move so she carefully took another step. She needed to tend to the children. Brady was crouched in a corner near her, his eyes wide with fear. He was trembling as Marlena held out her arms to him. Careful not to let him brush against her wound, she lifted him into her arms.
“Hey, little guy. You’re awake? I bet you’ve been pretty scared,” Brady nodded his head before letting it fall against Marlena’s shoulder. “Are Sami or Eric awake?”
“They hurt,” He whispered while shaking his head.
“Can I put you down for a minute to check on them?” She asked, knowing the answer that would follow.
“No, hold me, pwease,” He clung to her shoulder. She smoothed his rumpled hair and nodded congenially, knowing the child must be terrified. She climbed over the debris that littered what had once been the cabin of the plane. She saw Eric and Sami lying in a crumpled heap not far from where their seat had once been, barely visible amongst the debris. The seat had vanished, along with the entire right side of the plane. Glass and shards of metal covered every inch of the floor where they lay. Her fear grew to gigantic proportions. She couldn’t bring Brady over there. It was too dangerous. She looked sternly into his blue eyes.
“Brady honey, I know you’re scared and I’m going to do my best to help you. But if I take you over by Sami and Eric, you’re going to get hurt. You need to stay here and watch over Daddy for me,” At Marlena’s mention of John, Brady nodded, albeit reluctantly. She placed the small boy on the couch near his father. “Now, don’t touch Daddy. Just watch him, okay?”
“Kay,” He quietly agreed, his blue eyes still shimmering with unshed tears. Seeing John caused Marlena to completely forget the children for the moment. His face was damp with perspiration. She ran her hand across his forehead. He was burning up. His body shivered in the night air. She visually searched the rubble for another blanket. She found one not far from where Brady had been hiding. She tentatively walked over to grab it. The plane made a loud noise. She stopped, gripped with fear. Brady began to sob. She whispered sweet words of comfort, promising to return to him momentarily. When she was sure the plane, had settled, she softly stepped back to where John and Brady were waiting. She visually scanned John’s body for any visible wounds. Aside from the gaping wound atop his head, he seemed unharmed. But that wound had done enough damage, it seemed. She quickly tore the blanket in two, bandaging John’s head with one half while draping the other half over his shivering frame. She placed a tender kiss on his cheek. He remained motionless.
Across the cabin, Sami moaned. She could hear her mother’s voice. She’d been lying, trapped beneath what appeared to be the plane seat for hours. She didn’t feel seriously injured, just imprisoned by the heavy weight of the seat. She quietly called her mother’s name. Marlena stopped caring for John. She was sure she had heard one of the children. She wasn’t quite sure which one.
“Sami?” She whispered. “Honey, are you awake?”
“Yeah, Mom, help. I can’t move.” Sami hoarsely whispered.
“Baby, I’m coming,” Marlena shot Brady a look that told him not to move. He curled up against his father. Marlena slowly made her away across the cabin, fearing the collapse of the entire plane. When she neared Sami, she realized to where the seat had vanished. The seat had Sami pinned to the floor, covering nearly all of her body. “Stay still, honey.” She couldn’t even begin to imagine how she was going to lift the seat, but she knew she had to free her daughter. She offered up a silent prayer and bent to heave the seat from its position. Pain seared her body, but she couldn’t stop. With strength she didn’t know she had, she held the seat high enough in the air for Sami to roll from underneath it. She then laid it back on the floor as carefully as she could.
Marlena knelt next to Sami, gently enveloping her daughter in her arms. She kissed Sami’s flaxen hair, thanking God that he had spared her precious child. She then proceeded to check out her injuries. Sami’s left leg was obviously broken, but she didn’t seem to be bleeding anywhere. The floor surrounding her though was soaked with blood. Marlena knew Eric must be seriously injured.
“Can you stand, sweety girl?” Sami nodded silently, not entirely certain that her feet would support her trembling frame. Marlena stood, barely stifling a moan from the pain. She held Sami’s hand in her own and helped her daughter to rise. She draped Sami’s arm around her shoulder and provided herself as a crutch to help Sami over to where Brady sat. The task proved more difficult than either would have guessed, with each woman suffering silent agony from the pain wracking her body. When they finally arrived at the other side of the plane, Marlena helped Sami to sit on the cushion beside Brady and slowly made her way back to Eric.
Her eyes beheld Eric’s wounds for the first time. Both of his legs were covered with gashes, too many to even bandage. A silent tear slid down her cheek as she wondered if her precious boy were even still alive. She eased her aching body onto the floor beside her son and placed a tender hand upon his wrist. His pulse was weak, but still present. She felt his forehead. He seemed cool. She could see a small wound just beside his ear. It was bleeding as well. She tried to think of a way to help him. He was bleeding so profusely that if they didn’t help him soon it would be too late. In frustration and fear, she screamed into the night. The primal sound of her scream frightened Sami and Brady. Each jumped, knowing that Marlena must be really scared.
The sound of the scream caused Roman to jump. He had fallen asleep upon the rock, only to be awoken by the sound of a woman’s scream. And not just any woman’s scream. It was Marlena’s. He nervously fumbled with his headset.
“I just heard Marlena,” He stated firmly. Kim, Shane and Abe stopped in their tracks, immediately at attention.
“Where at?” Shane questioned.
“I’m not sure yet. I don’t have a visual. Just call the helicopter and tell it to get here pronto. I will fire the flare as soon as I see them.” He barked, anxious to find them. He quickly ran in the direction of the noise, praying that he could reach them quickly.
“I’m coming, Doc,” He bellowed. “Hold on, sweetheart.”
Sami cocked her head, knowing she’d heard her father’s voice. She turned her wide blue eyes upon her mother to see if she had heard it as well. Marlena’s head was turned in a similar position.
“Did you just hear Roman?” Marlena asked incredulously. Sami nodded.
“He’s out there, Mom. He’s looking for us. Maybe we should make some more noise so he’ll know where we are.” Marlena nodded her agreement and joined her daughter in a chorus of shouting. Their statements were incoherently blurred together but that didn’t make much difference as long as he heard them. Occasionally, they would hear a shout in reply. Each time it sounded nearer, until he finally sounded so close to them. Marlena stood. She could see Roman, standing stop the cliff above them, pondering how he would get down to them. She screamed his name.
“Roman.” Roman couldn’t hide the smile that crept across his face. Marlena was alive and calling his name. And he knew he’d heard Sami’s voice too.
“I’m here, Doc,” Marlena smiled weakly.
“Please hurry. Eric and John are hurt badly.” Roman nodded and pulled his flare gun from his holster. He fired into the air, praying his companions would be able to see it.
“I’m coming, Doc. I just wanted to let Abe, Shane and Kim where we are. Is Sami all right?”
“I’m okay, Daddy,” Sami yelled. Roman beamed. “Hurry.”
“I’m doing my best, Peanut,” he slowly began to descend the cliff, his feet slipping on the precarious rocks. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d get into the plane without causing it to topple. It seemed to barely be hanging there by a thread. He prayed that it was sturdier than it appeared. He mentally decided on a game plan as he slid down a bank of rocks. Marlena, who had been watching him carefully, shouted out to him.
“Are you okay?” He was touched by her concern.
“Yes, I’m fine. I just slipped.” He dusted himself off and continued down the slope. When he finally reached the plane, he had to force himself not to run aboard and sweep both women into his arms. Any quick movements might upset the apple cart on which this giant machine rested. He carefully covered the distance between them. He visually scanned the rubble. Eric looked near death. Roman’s heart quivered. The last few conversations he’d had with his precious son had been far less than cordial. If he were never able to talk to Eric again, he’d never forgive himself. Sami smiled at the sight of her father. He could see from the position of her leg and from its misshapen form that it was broken. When his eyes reached Marlena, a shiver crept over his frame. He’d been right. She was alive. He couldn’t resist the urge to pull her into his arms. She immediately began crying. He held her more tightly to himself.
“Oh, Doc, I was so scared. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. We’re all going to get out of here safe,” The only sound he could hear was the soft sound of Marlena’s sobs. “Listen to me,” He whispered fiercely, forcing her chin up so their eyes could meet. “Everyone is going to be fine. Abe and Kim and Shane are out there and they’ll be here as soon as they can. Now, I’m going to take Sami up there,” He pointed to the cliff from where he had descended. Marlena’s eyes obediently followed his finger. “I’ll be back for Brady and you. I’m not sure how we’ll get John and Eric out of here, but we’re going to do it and we’re going to get help, I promise you that. Do you understand?” She nodded her agreement and sank back to the ground beside Eric, taking his limp hand in her own.
“Hey, Peanut,” He smiled as he helped her to stand. “I’m sorry, honey, but we have to get back up that cliff. I know it’s going to hurt, but I’ll be the best crutch for you that I can,” He knew he could never make it back up the cliff carrying another person in his arms. It was too treacherous. He’d barely made it down himself. Sami offered a brave smile.
“That’s okay. I’ll be all right, Daddy,” He wrapped her arm around his shoulder and they made a tentative step. He had to lean down several inches to be on Sami’s height. Sami acted as if the height difference made no difference. “See it wasn’t so bad.” Marlena smiled up at Sami, her pride clearly displayed in the shimmering softness of her eyes. Brady crept to where Marlena sat, climbing carefully into her lap. He let his head fall to her shoulder, his little voice whimpering like a frightened puppy. Marlena watched with tremulous worry as Roman and
Sami slowly made their way back up the towering cliff. Each misstep made by the oddly matched pair struck fear in Marlena’s heart. When they finally reached the top of the hill, she settled a bit. When Roman returned, Brady refused to leave the safety of Marlena’s embrace. Below them, suddenly, they could hear a chorus of voices. Roman abandoned his task of sweet talking Brady and peered over the side of the plane. He smiled proudly at the sight of his friends.
“They’re up here,” He shouted, waving wildly. “Somebody let the helicopter know our exact coordinates. I think that cliff up there is wide enough for him to land on. I believe it’s sturdy enough and John and Eric won’t be able to travel much further than that.”
“Is everyone okay?” Kim shouted. The word alive was carefully removed from her sentence but it was implied. Roman caught it.
“Sami, Brady and Marlena are all okay. They’re hurt, but John and Eric are pretty messed up. Make sure they radio the nearest hospital that we’ll be there soon. See if you can get the emergency crew here, now ” Kim nodded. The trio began climbing the hill at an angle, watchful of any falling debris from the plane. Roman finally coaxed Brady from Marlena’s arms and carried him up to Sami’s waiting arms. When he returned, Kim was waiting for him at Marlena’s side. Abe had joined John on the couch, monitoring his friend’s condition with careful precision. And Shane had gone up to wait with Sami and Brady.
“What about the pilot and co-pilot? Are they alive?” Kim asked, suddenly having thought that they hadn’t even considered the well being of the two other members aboard the plane. Roman looked up. The entire cockpit was smashed into the side of the mountain. It seemed unlikely that either had survived, but he volunteered to go check. What he saw would remain in his memory forever. The cockpit and the mountainside were splattered with bits of blood and perhaps human flesh. He could see the co-pilot stretched across his seat. He was covered in blood and torn beyond recognition. Roman looked away quickly, feeling his stomach lurch. He felt as if he might vomit at any moment. He quickly searched for the pilot. There wasn’t any sign of him at all, other than his jacket torn to shreds and splattered with blood lying not far from the cockpit. He returned to Kim and Marlena, shaking his head dismally.
“They’re not alive,” He whispered. He glanced at Marlena. She looked exhausted. He knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it if anything happened to John or Eric while she was watching. He had to get her up to Sami so she wouldn’t witness what promised to be a painful extraction from the plane for John and Eric. “Marlena, it’s time for you to go up with Sami,” Marlena shot Roman a look full of fire, one he’d seen many times over the years.
“I am not leaving this plane until John and Eric are safely up that cliff,” She countered. Roman knew he was playing with fire to dispute her but it would really be best if she weren’t here when they moved the men. Roman feared how both John and Eric would fare with movement and he didn’t want Marlena there to witness any untimely events.
“I understand that you want to be here with Eric and John, but I really think it’d be best if you’d go on up now.” He replied calmly. He could see Marlena’s ire raising. She was preparing to lambaste him.
“You really think? You know if you would have thought we wouldn’t have been in this situation
in the first place!” She shouted angrily. Roman winced, the barb meeting its mark quite nicely. He already felt guilty enough. He didn’t need any additional blame thrown his way. Without thinking, he spouted back.
“If you feel it’s best to stay here, then you go right ahead. No one has ever been able to stop you when you make up your mind anyway.” Kim linked her arm in her brother’s and walked him away from Marlena.
“You two can not fight. Not now. Eric may not be conscious, but he can hear you. He needs to hear words of support and love from you two. Not yet another argument. She’s just upset and scared. She’s been through quite an ordeal. And I might be wrong but I think that wound in her side is bigger than she’s letting on. I think she’s in a lot of pain. Ignore her and just let her stay here.” Roman nodded his agreement, suddenly very worried about Marlena’s injuries.
“Do you really think she’s pretty hurt?”
“Yes, there’s a lot of blood on that blanket. When I asked her, she said it was Eric’s, but I don’t think it is. When I hugged her, she drew back quickly and protected that side. I saw her grimace before she could hide her face from me.” A flash of concern shot across Roman’s face.
“Is she going to be all right?”
“She just needs to see a doctor. They all do,” Kim gently placed a concerned hand on Roman’s shoulder. “But what she doesn’t need is to fight with you. She is concerned, terrified. Her son and the man she loves are injured pretty badly and she just needs to be near them. She’s a grown woman and she can take of herself. Respect her right to do that, Okay,” Roman reluctantly nodded.
“I don’t like it. I’d rather have her safe up there with Sami and Brady. But I guess I can deal with it,” He replied. As he turned back to face Marlena, she stared up at him, her eyes swimming with steely determination.
“I’m staying here, Roman,” She stated quietly, but firmly. With great effort, he forced his voice to remain evenly calm as he spoke.
“Whatever you need to do, Doc,” He knelt beside Eric and took Eric’s other hand. The limp chilled hand that he touched frightened him. His wide eyes flew to meet Marlena’s. She nodded in response to his unspoken question. Eric would die if help didn’t arrive soon. A lonely tear spilled down her cheek. She angrily swiped it away, furious at the situation life had thrust her into. She glanced over at John, still lifeless on the couch. His chest barely seemed to rise with each shallow breath. Her heart ached. She’d faced too much, sacrificed all she had to be with John. How was she supposed to live without him? Michael Bolton’s song “How am I supposed to Live without you?” began playing softly in her mind.
She reminisced back to all the wonderful times she’d shared with John. The day he’d first entered her life he’d altered it irreparably. She hadn’t been the same since. No one raised such passion inside her or such tender, intimate love. No one raised within her emotions so strong that they frightened her. She remembered back to when he’d taken her hostage. He was so scared, terrified what his identity might be and how that would affect his relationship with Marlena. And she had been scared out of her wits the very minute she saw that Phoenix tattoo on his shoulder. But even all that fear, fear that he might be the one man she feared and hated most, couldn’t erase her desire for him. She found herself chasing him around the countryside only minutes after having tried desperately to escape him. She could offer no explanation. She only knew that the minute his lips met hers that first time, she had felt the completion of her soul. She remembered all those moonlit night spent making love to one another, nights in another lifetime. When she had been free to offer her love to him. She could still feel the heat of his embrace, feel the tingle of his hot breath as it trickled down her neck. She closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall.
In her ears, she could hear the haunting echo of his laughter as he played with the children or as he mercilessly teased her. Everything was so fresh in her memory as if only yesterday he’d walked into her life, scarred and bandaged without a single memory of the past he’d left behind him. But it wasn’t just yesterday. It was nearly seven years ago and the happiness that they’d shared then had been savagely ripped from them in their brightest hour. And now as the precious rose of their love had once again bloomed on the bush of life God seemed poised to pluck it from it’s lifeline. And Marlena would be left bleeding from the wounds of the thorns that choked the life out of the man she loved. The refrain of the song pounded ceaselessly in Marlena’s head.
“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU NOW THAT I’VE BEEN LOVING YOU SO LONG? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE WITHOUT YOU? AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON, WHEN ALL THAT I’VE BEEN LIVING FOR IS GONE?”
She opened her eyes to see a cluster of emergency workers lifting John onto a stretcher that had been delivered by a rescue helicopter, which she hadn’t even heard land. John’s face was devoid of all color, all emotion, all life. Someone who appeared to be a doctor rushed down to the scene, having been summoned by Shane. He surveyed John, trying to hide his reaction from Marlena’s view. But she saw him as he slowly shook his head. She saw the dismay and disappointment in his eyes as he whispered.
“I don’t think he’s going to make it,” In that very moment, a piece of Marlena died. She watched in utter agony as they carried John from her. She looked down to see that Eric had already been taken up to the plane. She wasn’t sure how she’d missed that, but lost in her memories, she’d not noticed them taking her son away. With pain searing through her body, she ran up to the doctor, her voice full of stubborn determination once again.
“You’re wrong. He’s not going to die. He’s going to live,” With tears streaming down her face, she whispered the closure of the sentence. “Because I don’t know how to live without him.” Roman gathered her in his arms, helping her board the helicopter behind the emergency workers. He held her tightly to his chest as he gently kissed her hair. She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with devastation and desperation. “He’s just got to.” She whispered into the empty silence of her soul.
The soft tap on Marlena’s knee startled her, awakening her from the stupor she had slipped into the minute that John had been whisked straight off to surgery. With tears glistening in her saddened eyes, she glanced down to see Brady staring up at her, his eyes wide with fear and confusion. He said nothing. In fact, the frightened toddler hadn’t said anything since John had been taken from his view. His security had vanished and his fear showed in his every expression. He held up his little arms for Marlena to hold him. Ignoring the pain in her side, as she’d been doing since they arrived at the hospital, she lifted the little boy into her lap. His tiny head fell instantly to her shoulder. She could feel his body trembling. Gently, she ran her hand down his back, patting it softly.
“Don’t be afraid, little guy. I’m here,” She whispered. The words seemed so hollow when she couldn’t erase her own fear. Her own fear threatened to destroy her ever-present composure as the quivering child in her arms began to softly cry. She sang him a soft lullaby, praying that his soul could find peace in the terrifying hours that lay ahead. She held onto to him tightly long after his trembling ceased and his ragged breathing turned to the smooth even breathing indicative of sleep. He was her only link to John right now. She had to keep him as close as possible. It somehow made John seem closer too. A pair of voices behind her caused her heart to leap. It couldn’t be. They couldn’t have gotten here so quickly.
Without disturbing Brady, she turned her head. There stood her parents, their expressions a muddled mix of happiness and concern. She opened her mouth to speak but found no words. Her daddy wasted no time in wrapping both her and Brady in his strong arms. He held her until her heaving sobs settled. Then he placed a tender kiss upon her forehead. He sat down in the chair beside her and grabbed onto her hand, as if he had to be certain that she was real. Martha found a vacant chair on Marlena’s other side and sat down, placing her age-worn hand upon Marlena’s trembling knee.
For many long minutes, no one said anything. Marlena would stare at her father for awhile and then turn and gaze at her mother. Neither of their gazes ever left the face of their precious child. Marlena’s turmoil was etched on her face, lines of worry sprawled out upon her perfect brow. Her normally clear eyes were clouded with confusion and pain. Frank was the first to speak.
“Have you had any word on Eric or John?” Marlena dropped her head to hide the tears she knew would fall.
“No,” She whispered. Kim appeared on the scene, having come from Sami’s bedside. She wrapped an arm around Marlena’s trembling shoulder and provided a more complete answer.
“They’re both in surgery. All’s we know is that John has substantial head injuries and Eric’s legs and spine were damaged. They’ve been in surgery for hours, but we’ve heard nothing. All’s we can really do now is pray. On the bright side, Sami’s leg was broken cleanly so they didn’t have to do surgery. They were able to set it and put a cast on tonight. The doctor gave her a mild sedative and some painkillers. She was resting when I left her.” Marlena offered Kim a grateful smile. Smiling, Kim casually shrugged it off. “Oh, I guess we’ve never officially met. I’m Kimberly Brady, Roman’s sister. You must be Marlena’s parents.” Frank and Martha nodded, each uttering a polite salutation. Kim looked down at Marlena again. “I also just talked to Carrie. She and Austin and Mom and Pop are coming in on the next flight. Carrie offered to keep Brady with her and Austin until, until everything’s all right here.”
“They didn’t have to come,” Marlena whispered weakly.
“They know that. They wanted to come, to support you and John and the kids. No matter what’s happened they all love you, honey,” Kim answered matter-of-factly. “By the way, have you let a nurse check YOU out yet?” Marlena shot Kim a dirty look. She had been avoiding the nurses successfully for hours, but she could never avoid her parents. They would insist she let a doctor check her wounds.
“I’ve been waiting to hear news on John and Eric first,” She quickly answered, begging Kim with her eyes not to say anymore. But it was too late. Martha had slipped into mother mode.
“Honey, I thought you weren’t hurt? Where are you hurt at?” Marlena drew a deep breath, which brought with it the inevitable pain.
“I’m fine, Mom, really. Kim’s just overreacting. I’m not hurt badly,” She replied, glancing up to see John’s doctor approaching. With great effort, she passed Brady to Kim and stumbled to where the doctor stood. His face was drawn, his expression grim. Her heart sank. “Dr. Nolan, how is he? He’s going to be fine, right?” She pleaded before he could say a word.
Dr. Isaac Nolan had been at this hospital for many years. He’d been practicing medicine for many more. Nothing ever prepared him for this moment, the moment that required him to deliver devastating news to loved ones. He always tried to keep the emotions from showing through, but he was only human and such pain affected him as well. He had sensed this woman’s desperation the moment that the helicopter had delivered the accident victims to the hospital.
She had trailed this man, this John Black, all the way down the hallway, intent on accompanying him inside the OR. The hospital staff had explained to her that she could not enter the sterile area, but she was beyond reason. She’d refused to move from the hallway, stationing herself as sentry. She stayed there, motionless, until another man forcibly carried her from her position. And now, obviously suffering from wounds of her own, which had been left untended, she stood again, awaiting news. He cleared his throat and tried to look into her grief-stricken eyes.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Evans, but things don’t look good at all. The trauma to his head was much more severe than we had anticipated. His brain isn’t sending the proper signals to his body and his body is beginning to shut down. We did our best to repair the damage done to his brain, but there are no guarantees and it could be some time before we see any tangible results. For now, we’ve had to place him on life-support since he is unable to breathe for himself and his heart was barely pumping enough blood to keep him alive. It’s very touch and go. As soon as his brain heals itself, we should be able to remove the life support and he should be fine. However, we do not know whether his brain will ever heal itself. He is in a coma now. He could remain so for a long time. The only sure thing we have right now is that he has a powerful will to live or he wouldn’t have made it this far. We can only pray that it brings him through this.” With his words of devastation delivered, he turned to go. Marlena swayed on her feet, feeling as if all the breath had been drained from her. She gave a soft cry as she started to fall.
Roman appeared from the shadows, gathering her into his arms before she could ever touch the ground. He cradled her to his chest and carried her to the nearest nurse, insisting that they treat her wounds now. If he didn’t do it now, Marlena might never do so. He stayed by her side until she awoke. Her eyes were teary as she tried to sit up, her confusion registered clearly upon her face. Roman gave her a cocky half-smile and moved to her bedside, taking advantage of the temporary absence of nurses.
“Why am I in this hospital bed?” She demanded. Her weak voice betraying her steely determination.
“Because you are hurt,” He answered easily, smiling as he spoke.
“I am fine. Let me go. I need to be with John.” Her eyes swam with fire as she whispered furiously.
“John is recovery. He can’t have visitors yet. And you, Dr. Evans, have a serious wound in your side. You are NOT getting up from this bed.” He stared at her with equal determination.
“Get out,” She demanded fiercely.
“I can do that, but there will be someone else to follow. Either your parents or Kim, or maybe even Abe or Shane, but you will have someone in here to keep an eye on you.” He replied smugly. She wanted to rip that smug smile from his face. Didn’t he understand? John was hurt and she needed to be with him. As her mother knocked on the door, it was obvious that she would find no cooperation in this task. Angrily, she did her best to roll over and face the opposite side of the room. Roman winked at Martha. “Good luck. Her highness is in rare spirits tonight,” He whispered as he made his exit. The minute he stepped outside the room, his jovial expression vanished. He had only been able to keep the brave front up for Marlena. Now, his own worry got the best of him. He took off down the hallway determined to find more information about Eric’s condition.
Marlena turned to face her mother after many long minutes of silence. It was apparent her mother wasn’t going to leave despite the silent treatment Marlena was issuing. Her head spun with questions she knew her mother would never be able to answer. Her eyes mirrored the desperation felt deep within her soul. Her pain felt much too heavy to bear. Not too many hours before she had been nestled in John’s arms embarking on a trip to solidify the future that they had been looking forward to for so many years. And her children had been so peacefully sleeping across the cabin, wrapped in the love that can only be shared between siblings. Now, she lay in a drab hospital room, knowing that she might never be able to be cradled in John’s loving arms again, knowing the Eric may never again be able to let Sami fall asleep on his ever-broadening chest. The pain that accompanied this knowledge was almost too much to bear.
So with a weakened voice and tear-filled eyes, she voiced the question that plagued her heart.
“Why, Momma?” She whispered desperately. “Why did God take Angel if he wasn’t going to leave me John? And why did he have to take Eric too? Eric’s so strong and loving. He has such a life ahead of him, so much promise. He’s been my rock. Why did God have to take the two men to whom I am the closest? Why, Momma?” With the back of her hand, she swiped angrily at the tears cascading down her cheeks. Martha sat down beside her daughter, her own tears threatening to spill at any moment. She took Marlena’s hand, holding it in her hand and pressing it gently against her own cheek. How she wished she could erase the pain in her daughter’s eyes. As she slowly released Marlena’s hand, she stared directly into her daughter’s eyes.
“I don’t know, Baby.” Her answer seemed so painfully inadequate. She knew she must try to offer something more. “Honey, when your sister was killed, I voiced so many similar questions. I was so angry at God and so devastated. I couldn’t understand how things could have gone so wrong with Sam. And I couldn’t understand why God would have taken her from us. She was just too young. I got so wrapped up in my own pain. Your father and I nearly separated over it. I wouldn’t let him in. I was convinced I was strong enough to carry the pain on my own and every day I pushed your Daddy further away. Seeing any picture of Sam tore at my heart and just hearing your voice, so like hers nearly killed me. I wanted to die. But then one day, I woke up and realized that Samantha may have died, but I was slowly killing myself. I thought of you and your daddy having to face my death too, suddenly I realized I needed help. I went to a therapist and she helped me work through the pain and your Daddy just kept on loving me despite everything I put him through. I made it through, baby girl, and you can too. I promise you. You have always been a rock, honey, and you will use that strength to survive this too,” Martha squeezed Marlena’s hand. Marlena shook herself free and angrily turned to face the wall.
“You made it through because of Daddy. I don’t have anyone, Mom. John’s as good as gone and I’m all alone. I don’t have strength to be a rock anymore. I can’t make it. Not this time,” She cried. The fierce intensity of her words frightened Martha.
“Marlena Evans, you are a rock! Rocks don’t stop being rocks one day. They are that way, always. Sometimes they get broken. Little pieces fall off and the rock takes on a new shape. But it is still a rock, no matter how many pieces are broken off. You are just like a rock. You have the strength, Honey, deep inside you. You have the strength. I know it’s hard to see right now, but it’s there,” Marlena weakly shook her head, unable to believe the words of encouragement her mother fervently spoke. She had never given up at any time in her life, never. She’d always been there for others and pushed past her own pain. But with John hanging in limbo between life and death, she could no longer be strong. A piece of her heart, the most crucial vital part had been hacked away, stealing with it her will to live. And she was left with a wide gaping hole that could never be repaired by even the most skillful of surgeons. Martha could see Marlena’s silent torment and snatched her hand up from where it lay limply resting on the bed.
She squeezed tightly to it. “You CAN NOT give up. I will not let you. John isn’t gone. He needs your love and support and prayers. He can still make it. But he needs your hope and faith. He needs you to stand in the gap for him until he can stand on his own again. And until you can stand on your own, I’m standing there for you.” Marlena felt the strength of her mother’s words, but could find no hope remaining in her shattered soul.
“I want to believe you, Momma. I do. But I just can’t, not this time,” She held fiercely to her mother’s hand, praying that some strength would be transferred to her. Martha smiled with confidence. She could feel the trembling of her daughter’s body. “Honey, why don’t you close your eyes and try to get some rest? You need it. You broke three ribs and had to get twenty stitches to sew up that gash in your side. The doctor said that you needed a lot of rest. Why don’t I go see if they can give you something to help you sleep?” Martha muttered, more to herself than to Marlena. She simply had to escape the despair in that room before she exploded.
So many emotions rushed through her body, the added despair emanating from Marlena’s presence was almost too much to bear. She needed Frank. The thought struck her that John was Marlena’s Frank. Martha briefly imagined what her life would be like without Frank. She imagined herself much like Marlena, quivering with fear and then simmering with anger, completely unable to survive on her own. Sympathy rose anew within her for her daughter’s plight. She placed a soft kiss on Marlena’s cheek, her tears wetting Marlena’s ashen cheek. For a moment, their gazes caught. The electricity connecting them conveyed every inch of Marlena’s devastation. Martha shivered and dropped her gaze. Marlena turned tearfully away.
“That’s fine, Momma. I could use sometime alone anyway,” She gave a half-hearted wave and watched her mother’s sunken figure sulk through the doorway. “I’ll be doing it for a long time. I had better get used to it,” She whispered to herself.
Roman sat down beside Eric, watching helplessly as the machines whirred in an endless torrent of monotony. His son’s life depended upon these machines, making them all the more abhorrent to Roman. Eric’s eyes lay closed, having remained unopened since the plan had crashed. The exact extent of damage that had been done couldn’t begin to be estimated by the doctors. His legs practically had to be restructured. They had been broken in at least 15 places and the cuts had taken hours to sew back together. The doctors had told Roman that they weren’t sure if Eric would ever walk again, the damage was so great. And brain damage was a distinct possibility.
His heart had stopped pumping for nearly a minute en route to the hospital. Even that short amount of time without oxygen to his brain could have caused damage, the doctors said. The fact that his heart remained unable to pump for itself and that he hadn’t awoken yet only heightened the possibility of brain damage.
He dropped his head in his hands sadly. Snatches of conversations that had occurred between himself and Eric in the past few weeks tortured his troubled soul. He’d been so angry with Marlena and John and even himself. Eric had just been an easy target for that anger. His entire body trembled now at the thought of his son slipping out of this life without knowing that his father loved him.
“How could I have been so stupid? It was so unlike me to act like that to Eric. But when time’s got rough, I took it out on one of the people I love the most,” He whispered. “But, Eric, buddy, please know that I love you. And I’m going to be here for you until you wake up and after you wake up if you’ll let me. I decided not to join the ISA. I did that before I found out about the crash. I had already talked to your grandparents and was going to come pick you and Sami up and take you someplace nice as soon as you landed. But you never landed in Denver. Please, son wake up. I need to apologize to you. I need to hear your voice and need to know you better. I promise to be a better man. I’m really gonna try. Please,” He let his head fall back against the lounge chair that the nurses had placed in Eric’s room. Within a few moments, he had fallen asleep for the first time in several days.
Marlena’s heart leapt as she saw the newest visitor to her room. It had been hours since she’d seen him and just the smile on his face reminded her of his father. Her smile brightened the dismal room and the small boy could feel its warmth. Kim carried him over to her bed and laid him gently beside Marlena’s good side. He snuggled into her, letting his head rest against her warm body. She wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes against the tears that fell. Kim sat down beside the bed, silently watching the emotional scene.
When Brady finally felt he’d cherished her for long enough, he looked up at her, his eyes wide with inquisition. She quickly swiped at the tears resting on her cheeks to hide her pain from the little boy’s eyes. Brady, spotting a wayward tear, reached his tiny hand up and wiped it away. Marlena’s breath caught in her throat and her heart nearly stopped beating. She tenderly held the little boy’s hand to her cheek, trying to stem the flow of tears, but failing desperately.
“Where Daddy?” He asked. “Him make you glad,” He stated confidently. Marlena nodded weakly.
“You’re right, Brady. Daddy does make me happy. He makes me very glad, but I can’t see Daddy right now. He’s hurt real bad, buddy,” Brady’s lower lip pooched out and began to quiver.
“But I miss him,” He whispered.
“Me too, Brady. Me too,” Marlena knew she had to change the subject before she completely broke down. “So what have you been up to, huh? Have you been having fun with Aunt Kim?” He nodded, his impish face breaking into a giant smile.
“We raced you daddy down the stairs and beat him. And we went to see the babies and to look at the toys in a store. We played and played. Had fun. You had fun?” He asked sweetly.
“Nope, those doctors have been pricking me and stitching me up and I didn’t have you so how could I have fun?” She placed a gentle kiss upon his upturned nose. He wrinkled it and smiled a goofy smile.
“Me and Daddy the funnest. We make you glad,” Marlena nodded wordlessly, unable to say anymore. She dropped her head for a moment and drew a deep breath. When she finally looked up at Brady again, she felt a little more composed.
“I have a mission for you, young Mr. Black.” He smiled eagerly. “I need you to go visit Sami and make sure she’s okay. Do you think you and Aunt Kim can handle that?” He nodded emphatically.
“Yep,” He leaned forward and placed a customary kiss on Marlena’s cheek. “Have fun, Mommy. Miss ya,” He jumped off the bed, nearly tumbling to the ground in the process and grabbed Kim’s hand. Marlena’s heart stopped again. ‘Mommy?’ He’d never called her Mommy before. The sweet little word meant so much to her and yet cut her like a knife. Kim looked at her questioningly.
“Are you okay?”
“I don’t think so. Can you please send my Dad in here?” Kim nodded and whisked Brady into her arms as she scurried out into the hallway. Within minutes, Frank Evans stood at the doorway. His eyes full of love and concern for his little girl. He stood watching her for a moment, never saying a word. She stared deep into his eyes and couldn’t stem the flow of tears cascading down her cheeks. In an instant, he had gathered her carefully into his arms. She sobbed against his shoulder.
“Oh, Daddy, I’m so scared. I’m so scared,” Frank held her tight and tried to keep tears from his own eyes. Just as they had since she was barely a minute old, though, his daughter’s tears broke his heart. With her snuggled tightly against his broad chest, he had to fight the impulse to promise her the world, for she knew better than most that such promises always fell short. He could find no words of comfort to offer his devastated daughter and felt all the more miserable for his failure. But Marlena paid no heed. She didn’t need flowery words of sympathy or comfort. She just needed to be held in her father’s arms for a little while.
When she finally looked up into his eyes, she whispered the question that had been plaguing her heart. The question to which she knew he had no answer. But he would surely try and she simply couldn’t keep it inside any longer. “What do I do now, Daddy?” He looked straight into her shimmering hazel eyes and uttered the one word that made any sense to him.
“Pray, Angel. All’s you can do is pray,” She dropped her eyes and clasped onto his weathered old hand.
“Dear God,” She began, her voice trembling. “Please give me another chance. Just one more try. I promise I’ll get it right this time. Please just give me one more chance with him. Don’t let John die, God. And please, Lord, you see my son Eric, make him all right too. Help him pull through this. He’s so young and has so much life ahead of him. Please don’t take it away from him so soon. And, God, if you choose not to bring them through this, help me to be strong enough to pull my family through. Help me be a rock for Sami and Brady. Give me strength and courage to go on living whatever lies ahead.” She let her sentence hang in the air. It created an eerie ominence in the room that almost promised things weren’t going to turn out exactly as Marlena had hoped or planned.
Dr. Isaac Nolan stood at the foot of Marlena’s bed, his face ashen from hours at the operating table without food or sleep. His expression offered her little hope. Her heart pounded as each second passed without him uttering a word. Isaac cleared his throat, trying desperately to find words that would not break this woman’s heart. Finally, he surrendered, knowing that no amount of sugar coating could make everything okay for this woman or her family. He moved a little closer to the bed and glanced at the man standing beside Marlena’s bed. When he was sure that the man had positioned himself close enough to console Marlena, he forged ahead.
“Dr. Evans, I am afraid that surgery didn’t do as much as we had hoped it would. John had just lost too much blood and his brain was traumatized pretty severely by the blows to the head that he received. We’ve placed him on life support. But in all honesty, I am not sure how long he’s going to make it,” Marlena’s face drained of all color. She drew a deep gasping breath and felt herself spinning madly out of control. This couldn’t be happening, just couldn’t be happening. Not to John. He had too much to live for. The children needed him, she needed him. She glanced up to see the ashen doctor staring at her with emotionless eyes.
“I have to see him,” She demanded, her voice much weaker than her determination. Dr. Nolan took one look at her and slowly shook his head.
“I’m afraid that’s impossible. For one, you are obviously unable to withstand the trauma of seeing him in such a condition and for another, we allow no visitors in recovery. John won’t be out of recovery for at least another three hours. I’m sorry,” He shook his head sadly, attempting to keep his emotions from showing on his face. He might appear quite detached to Marlena, but in reality, one look at this broken woman had torn his heart to shreds. Knowing that he was unable to bring her love back to her was only icing on the cake.
“I’m very sorry,” She heard the doctor say as he slipped from the room. Close behind him came the tall, blonde doctor who had been assigned to care for Marlena’s wounds. He took one glimpse at her pale features and ghastly expression and ordered a sedative to be sent her way immediately. He gently probed her wounds and proclaimed that she was going to be fine in a few days. But all of this occurred without Marlena’s attention. She could hear voices, as if far away, but she didn’t feel a part of any of it. How could she? John wasn’t. When the doctor again departed from her room, she let her head fall to her pillow, the steady stream of tears slipping silently from her closed lids and dampening the soft cloth beneath her.
Frank gently held her hand, watching as a nurse quietly entered and inserted a needle filled with what he assumed to be a sedative into Marlena’s I.V. Marlena didn’t even lift her head from the pillow. After a few minutes of silent agony, Frank could see she’d fallen back asleep. He gently placed her hand upon the bed and walked out to the waiting room, where Martha sat cradling a sleeping Brady in her arms. One look at the precious child caused tears to stem in Frank’s eyes. This was all just too much for him. Marlena’s agony was bad enough, but to see this poor innocent child. He had no clue what was going on and yet he stood to lose the most, a father who worshipped and adored him. Without a word, he sat down beside Martha and wrapped his arm around her. She let her head fall to his strong shoulder, her tears dampening his flannel shirt.
“Is it bad, Frank?” She whispered. He nodded.
“They’ve got him on life support. It doesn’t look good for him. Marlena is devastated to say the least. The nurse gave her something to help her sleep and that’s what she’s doing now. I needed to get out of there for a little while. How’s the little guy doing here?” He asked, tousling Brady’s dark locks.
“He’s holding up pretty well, but I think he really needs to go to the hotel. Kim is with Sami and in about a half hour we’re going to change shifts and she’s going to take him back to the hotel room Abe and Shane got for her. Roman was out not too long ago. Eric looks better than they expected. The doctors said the preliminary tests following surgery show that he should regain full range of movement in both legs, but the scars will be there for good. He hasn’t woken up yet though and they’re still concerned about that. All in all though things on that front look good.” Martha tried to relay the good news with cheerful enthusiasm but as she thought of her daughter lying in that bed facing such a devastating loss, her voice conveyed something much less than enthusiasm. With her head still resting on Frank’s shoulder, she fell quiet. He seemed to understand her need for him to be close, in fact he felt it himself. He embraced her a little more tightly and placed a tender kiss upon her graying hair.
“I love you,” He whispered.
“I love you, too,” She answered hoarsely, wiping a tear from her cheek. “You better get back in there before she wakes up. Tell her I love her,” She ducked her head and tried to hide her emotion from him. He saw, though and gently took her hand in his. He squeezed it lovingly as he walked away. Suddenly, the magnitude of Marlena’s devastation rang loud and clear to him. Looking there into the tear stained eyes of his wife, feeling more love for her than he could possibly express, he knew the pain it would bring to lose someone so treasured. And the thought nearly shredded his tender heart.
***
Mickey Horton sat at his desk, his head aching from hours of studying the document before him. John Black’s last will and testament. John was entirely too young. When Mickey had drawn up the will, he would have never imagined having to execute it so quickly. And now the time had come. Mickey’s heart broke for the choices that would now lie at Marlena’s feet. He had been receiving updates on both John and Marlena’s conditions via Caroline Brady for the past few hours. The last phone call had confirmed his suspicions and he knew he was going to have to call Marlena. Caroline said that the doctors had basically given up on John. They had placed him on life support, without which he would surely die. Mickey had dreaded this moment, the moment when he would be forced to tell Marlena that John did not want to be placed on life support and that she, as his next-of-kin, would be the one who would have to make the choice to remove him from it. Mickey read through the papers one more time, just to be certain, but he knew what he must do. He picked the phone up and dialed the number that Caroline had given him. Now came the painful part.
The telephone beside Marlena’s bed began twanging loudly in her ear. Angry that someone would disturb her or perhaps angry that her one chance at a perfect life had been irrevocably disturbed by a simple plane ride, she snatched the phone and muttered an aggravated Hello. Mickey Horton’s concerned voice rang out, causing her ever-present load of guilt to resurface. With sincere apologies, she tried to clear all emotion from her voice. Mickey drew a deep breath, devastated for his dear friend’s loss.
“Marlena, I am so very sorry,” he whispered. She sighed, wishing that his condolences could erase her pain.
“Thank you, Mickey,” She began to wonder why he was calling. No one had called her, not even family members. Why would Mickey be calling now, of all times? Her father wore a puzzled expression similar to her own as he settled into a chair beside the bed. “Is there something that you needed, Mickey?” She asked, not wanting to sound rude, but desperate to hang the phone back up and return to her own private land of grief.
“Yes, Marlena, there is. First of all, I wanted to let you know that the divorce is final. You and Roman are no longer married,” Marlena shook her head, unable to believe that Mickey had called to deliver this news.
“Thank you, Mickey, but for some reason that wasn’t the top issue on my mind at the moment,” She snipped.
“I’m sorry, Marlena. I just wanted you to know. It wasn’t the main reason I was calling though,” He sounded extremely apologetic.
“No, Mickey, I’m sorry,” she whispered, taking a long, deep breath. “I am just tired and upset. I am sorry I snapped at you.” She wished she could control the emotions raging within her. Her father gently reached over and clasped her shaking hand. She rewarded him with a tentative smile, her devastation leaving its mark on her typically unmarred features. “Please go on.” She stated when she finally felt able. Mickey drew another deep breath, praying for God’s strength for both himself and his dear friend.
“I have been reading over John’s will,” Marlena gasped, shocked at the necessity of such an action. Mickey continued. “I don’t know if John informed you or not, but he has you listed as his next-of-kin. And he had me draw up a living will. He didn’t want to be placed on life support. As his next-of-kin, you will have to give the doctor’s permission to remove him from the life-support.” Marlena could not stem the flow of tears dancing down her cheeks. She held to her father’s hand as tightly as she could, feeling her head swimming.
“But without the life-support, he will die,” She sobbed. Mickey closed his eyes, wishing desperately that he wasn’t being forced into such an action.
“I know, Marlena. But those were John’s wishes. He did not want to live the rest of his life dependent upon a machine. I know this is a difficult choice for you and I’m so sorry. But John didn’t want to live like that.”
“Don’t talk about him like he’s dead, Mickey. He’s alive and I will not make the choice to kill him, even if he does have a living will.” She shouted, lashing out at him for bringing additional pain, even it wasn’t his choice to do so. He cringed, but forged ahead, knowing what he must do.
“I am sorry, Marlena, but as John’s lawyer I have no choice but to execute his last will and testament. I had to tell you his wishes.”
“He’s not going to die, Mickey Horton. Do you hear me? John isn’t going to die.” She spat, sobbing as she slammed the phone back into the cradle. Her entire body heaved with the intensity of her grief. Frank had never seen her like this. She was slowly collapsing. He stepped back to her side and wrapped her in his loving arms once again.
“Honey, if John didn’t want to live on life support. You need to honor those wishes. He would do so for you,” She pushed her father away, spearing him with an angry gaze.
“I can not do that. Not now, not ever,” She scooted as far away from him on the small bed as she could. “Please just leave me alone.” She requested. Frank nodded blankly, stunned by the intensity of his daughter’s reaction. He had never seen her so emotional. Maybe she was finally allowing herself to show a little bit of that humanity that she had always so carefully hidden. He hated the fact that it had taken such an event to finally bring it out in her. Against her wishes, he placed a kiss upon her forehead.
“I love you, baby girl. And you know I will support you whatever decision you make. But I think you need to remember John’s wishes. He was such an energetic and virile individual, he wouldn’t want to be a vegetable for the rest of his life. And think of Brady. Do you want him to only remember his father as the shriveled up man lying in a hospital bed, never even blinking or acknowledging his son’s presence? Or would you rather he remember his father as the man who played with him and enjoyed life right up to the very last minute?” With that question lingering heavily in the air, he exited the room, leaving Marlena to her much-desired solitude.
The instant he left, Marlena let her angry demeanor slip. In its place came a devastation she’d never experienced. She erupted into a sobbing fit, feeling completely abandoned by everyone she had ever loved. How could this have happened? How could everything gone from being so right to being so very very wrong? She was legally divorced, finally free to marry the man who completed her and now he was all but gone from her. He had abandoned her in the hour she needed him most. Her son lay in a bed down the hall, barely clinging to life. She needed John to hold her, to promise her that all would be right with her world. She needed to feel the warmth of his touch, to see the tenderness of his loving gaze. But here she lay alone, unable to even go to either man’s side, facing the most difficult decision of her entire life. How could John have forced her into such a decision? How could he have thought that she’d be able to say the word and have him removed from life support? How could he have ever placed such a decision at her feet? The very thought of his insensitivity incensed her. She wanted to scream at him, to shout at him until her tired voice would no longer speak. Instead, she dropped her head into her hands and sobbed, the very act causing her torn side to ache.
“Oh, John, please don’t make me walk this road all by myself. Don’t leave me,” She whispered at the ceiling, praying John’s soul could hear her heart’s cry. “Please.” The empty echo of her voice rang loudly within the small room. With no one else to block the sound, it seemed to last forever. The magnitude of Marlena’s solitude smashed what little composure she had left. She curled up into a ball, as best as she could without injuring herself further.
She cried until she thought she might be sick, and even then the tears still came. She couldn’t imagine a world without John. A world where she’d never see that smile that he saved just for her or hear the familiar ring of his voice as he called out her name couldn’t really be a world. Not for her anyway. She had managed to survive without him in her arms when she and Roman had reunited years ago, only by knowing that he was happy and that she’d still get to see him. Those thoughts had kept her living and given her some measure of strength and courage. Now, if she gave her permission, she wouldn’t have any such promise. If she let him go this time, it would be forever.
“How could you do this to me, John? How cold you leave me? I need you so much. How could you leave me alone? I can’t be me anymore without you. You’re such a part of me that without you I don’t know if I’d continue to exist. Please, God, if you’re listening, help me. Help me make this choice and please don’t take him away. Please,” She cried weakly. She lay silent for what seemed to be an eternity, pondering the imponderable. Suddenly, she could have sworn she heard a voice. She shot up in bed, expecting to see someone at her doorway, but saw no one. Convinced she was just imagining things, she lay back down. Bu she heard it again and she no longer had to question to whom the voice belonged. It was John. She turned over in bed, holding her hands over her ears, she couldn’t handle the hallucinations of her exhausted psyche. Before her in the chair sat John.
He smiled at her and the warmth of his gaze brought heat clear down to her toes. She reached out to touch him. His hand felt cold beneath hers. “I’m here to tell you a few things before I go,” He whispered. She shook her head violently, repeating the word no over and over. She wouldn’t listen to him say he was leaving her.
“You can not leave me, John Black. I will not let you. You are everything to me and I can not make it alone. Not anymore,” He shook his head, laughing at her words.
“You can’t do it?” His eyebrow raised in question. “You are the strongest woman God ever placed on this planet. You can do anything you want.”
“Well, I don’t want to live without you,” She whimpered, sadly. “Please don’t leave me here alone, John. I can’t be a mother to Brady. Not without you. I don’t have the strength inside of me.”
“You do. You just don’t know it,” He smiled, tipping her chin up so he could gaze into her watery hazel eyes. “I don’t know for sure what’s going to happen, Babe. But I know one thing. You have to give the doctor’s permission to remove the life support. I don’t want Brady or you to remember me like that and after awhile I would become a burden to you and you’d resent me. I couldn’t handle that. I know that asking this of you is like asking you not to breathe. I understand that better than anyone else ever could. But if you love me, Doc. You’ll do this last thing for me, please,” He leaned forward and placed a tender kiss upon her tear-stained cheek. He watched as her indecision swam across her delicate features. Finally, she nodded her head, knowing that she had to abide by his wishes. True love meant giving the other person what they needed despite the toll it might play upon you.
“I’ll do it, John. But only for you. Only for you,” She whispered. She pulled her into a fierce embrace, holding her until he felt the fear and tension leave her body. Then he pulled back and kissed her gently.
“I will always love you, Marlena Evans. And somewhere down the road, I’ll be waiting for you. Never forget that, honey, never,” He eased himself from her grasp, holding only onto her hand as he slipped from the room. She held tightly, sobbing as she watched him slip away.
“NO!” She screamed. “Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me, John. I need you. Please don’t leave me,” She woke up in a sweat. She could see the shadow of her parents above the bed. Both appeared frightened. Frank knelt beside her on the bed, his hands running across her brow with a cool rag. She blinked back falling tears as she gazed up at him. “He was here,” She whispered. “Beside me. And he told me to let him go.” She cried. Frank pulled her against him, holding her as tightly as her wounds would allow. She cried against his shoulder, her sobs causing both of their bodies to quiver. “I don’t think I can do it, Daddy,” She cried. “I just don’t think I can.”
“Of course you can, my girl. What’s that your Momma and I always told you girls?”
“I can do anything. You made us say that anytime we got frustrated or sad. I always believed it because you and Momma promised me it was true. But then life proved you wrong. And I just can’t believe it anymore,” She sobbed against his shoulder. Frank pulled her away and looked deep into her eyes, pulling Martha to him with his free hand.
“Baby, you have to believe it. Your Momma and I are here and we’re not leaving. Not now and not ever. We’ll be with you until you draw your last breath. Because deep inside of you, there’s a piece of each one of us. You have my stubborn determination and your momma’s heart. You love John enough to let him go, angel. You don’t have a choice. Not really, you know that. That’s why you’re fighting it so much. But if you can’t do it on your own, let that little piece of us inside you do it,” Frank pulled both of his girls close and kissed them on the top of their heads. When Marlena finally raised her head to look into his piercing gaze, she softly whispered something neither parent could quite understand. “What was that, honey?” Frank asked. Marlena blinked back the tears in her eyes as she repeated herself.
“Get John’s doctor. I have to tell him my decision,” She stared blankly off into the distance as Frank disappeared down the hall. When he reappeared, John’s doctor was in tow. She barely waited for them to enter the room before she blurted out her request. Her courage would only last a few moments. “I give you my permission to remove John from life support, but I want to be there when you do,” The doctor stared skeptically at the injured woman.
“Dr. Evans, you are in no condition to leave this bed. I am sure that your doctor would agree with me,” The steely determination in her eyes belied her fragile condition. He could see quite clearly that nothing he or any doctor could say would change her mind.
“I will not allow him to go without me by his side. If you are so convinced that this is the only choice, then you will allow me to stay with him. It’s not going to hurt him and being with John could never hurt me.”
Marlena’s lower lip trembled, but her resolve remained strong. Her hazel eyes shot sparks of fire at the man who held her future in his hands. She could see a trace of vulnerability in his eyes, a hint of mercy for her plight. She whispered one final, please, her voice quivering with such intensity that he could barely interpret her. But he did interpret her and her devastation sank through his doctoral duty. He knew he must do all in his power to accommodate her special needs. If he were in a similar situation, he would want someone to show his wife mercy and allow her to be with him as he passed out of this life. He slowly nodded his head.
“I’ll do everything in my power to get you in there with him, Dr. Evans. Whatever it takes,” He whispered as he headed toward the door.
“Thank you,” She cried, tears streaming down her cheeks and forming a pool on the stark white sheet covering her frame. He nodded his head again and fled the room before his own tears started to fall. The devastation permeating every inch of that woman, in fact that entire room, nearly brought him to tears, an occurrence that had happened only twice in his professional career. He needed to distance himself from this distraught woman before he added a third time to his list.
Frank and Martha stood beside their daughter’s bed; their expressions a conglomeration of happiness and mourning. Happy that their daughter was being allowed the opportunity to say goodbye to her soulmate, yet shattered that she would even have to face such an impossible task at such a young age. Martha ran a tender hand across her daughter’s cheek, brushing away the wayward tears collecting there. Marlena shuddered at the action, such a trademark of John’s. She wondered if she would ever reach a point at which every little action no longer reminded her of John. As an image of Brady popped into her head, she quickly concluded that John would never be far from her consciousness. Each time the little boy smiled, she’d see John. And when he was up to no good, she’d see John in that impish gleam in his eyes. Suddenly she could take no more. She needed some time alone. She glanced up to both of her parent’s eyes watching her. She hated to push them away, but she needed a little more time to accept the cold hard truth and she could only do that while on her own.
“Momma, Daddy, I am not trying to push you away,” She prefaced her statement, knowing her parents would feel rejected without it. “But I really need some time alone. I need to think about what all of this means to me and to the children.” Frank smiled, knowing that he would have done the same thing.
“We understand honey, but please don’t forget that we’re here. You’re not going through this alone.” Martha looked up at Frank as he spoke, with the hurt riding in her eyes. Tenderly, he linked her arm in his and led her to the door. “You know where to find us when you’re ready for company.” Without another word, they vanished into the hallway. Martha shot an angry look at Frank.
“How could you make me leave? She needs me. She needs us. We’re all she really has right now.” She spat, hating that her daughter would push her away in such a time of need.
“I left her, because she’s my daughter. That’s how she deals with things. She doesn’t have John here to talk things over with so she has to talk things over with herself. I would do the same thing, Martha, you know that. And Marlena has always shared so many of my qualities. She’s not pushing us away. She’s taking some time to accept the truth and to figure out where she goes after she leaves that hospital room and John doesn’t come with her.” Martha sighed angrily and marched off to the waiting room. In her opinion, that was no way to deal with anything.
Marlena shivered, the chill of John’s impending departure leaving her feeling cold already. She couldn’t begin to dream what she would do without him. She kept pushing others away, telling them she needed time alone, time to think things through. But she never got any further in the process than her current situation. She couldn’t see the future or even begin to make guesses at what would happen once John left her. All’s she could see was the limp figure who had been whisked down the hall and into an operating room many hours before and the man who had declared his undying love to her only days before that. She couldn’t’ begin to reconcile the two in her head. They couldn’t possibly be the same man. She couldn’t possibly be losing the love of her life again. Could she? She slowly began to crawl inside of herself to a happier place, where John still held her in his arms, where she was still carrying their child. A place where she could still be a whole person instead of a shadow of a person slowly blending into the darkness surrounding her.
*********
Roman stood at the opening of Marlena’s hospital room, feeling as if he might die. She was paler than he’d ever seen her and her eyes contained such defeat. It was almost too much for him to bear. He knew that he really had no right to be here right now. She probably wouldn’t even want to see him, but he couldn’t let her face what she was preparing to face without knowing that he was behind her in spirit. He wanted nothing from her. He had accepted that their marriage was over. He only wanted to be her friend now. And lying there alone in that hospital bed, she looked like she needed that more than anything. He cleared his throat quietly to warn her of his presence. She cast a vague glance his way, looking through him rather than at him. A chill spread throughout his body. He wondered whether he should leave her alone or press further into her self-imposed solitude. For a moment, a soft smile touched her eyes as she seemed to actually see him. He had his answer.
“Doc, I came to see how you’re doing,” He whispered as he neared the bed. “I hope it’s okay. I’ve been pretty worried about you.” She still said nothing. He could see the expanse of her devastation written in the soft lines surrounding her hazel eyes. “I thought maybe you could use a friend.” He kept on speaking, determined to crack the shell she had erected around herself.
“And you still be want to be my friend?” She answered, her voice void of all emotion. He knew that she was hiding her pain behind this wall of indifference. He had seen it one too many times. He knew she needed someone desperately and he also knew that he was the only one right now who would really be able to reach her. He had been inside her and she in him for so many years. He could feel her pain, could sense it almost as quickly as she did, when he didn’t allow himself to be blinded from the truth. Once he had finally allowed his blinders to disappear, he was able to see the depth of Marlena’s love for John. And he knew without a doubt that Marlena was hurting now in a way in which she had never hurt before. No acting job could hide that from him.
“I will always be your friend, Marlena. Always,” He replied fiercely, taking her pallid hand in his own. She turned her eyes from him, studying the window beside the bed with fierce intensity.
“Even now?” She questioned. “While I am lying here pining for the man for whom our marriage ended? How could you even want to be my friend? How could you even stand to look at me?” Roman placed a strong hand beneath her chin and turned her to face him. Her lip trembled sadly as he spoke.
“Marlena, when I thought I had lost you and the children, I wanted to die. I searched all over for you, knowing that if I didn’t find you I’d never forgive myself. You didn’t let our marriage end. I did. Long before you ever slept with John. It was my fault as much as yours and while hiking up those mountain trails in a desperate search for my family, I was finally able to see that. And I was finally able to see that I would do everything in my power to keep you as a friend, a treasured friend. And so here I am. I heard you were in here facing a really difficult task and I wanted you to know you have my support and prayers,” Marlena’s eyes filled with tears as he spoke the words so dear to his heart.
“Thank you, Roman. That means more to me than you’ll ever know,” She whispered hoarsely, tears choking her words as she spoke them.
“How’s Eric?” She asked, praying that more positive news would be reported on her son.
“He’s doing okay. Still hasn’t woken up yet, but we’re working on that. I’ve spent a lot of time with him and when I am not there I’ve been sending in replacements. Abe, Shane and Kim have all taken turns. We all talk to Eric and sometimes, I think I see some response, like in a hand movement or something. But his eyes still stay closed. Hopefully soon. The doctors say the longer he’s out, the higher the chance that brain damage will occur. But they’ve been very hopeful in all their reports. They originally thought he’d never walk again. But now their tests have shown that with therapy, he’ll probably recover quite nicely.” Roman could read the look in Marlena’s eyes. She was feeling guilty, as if by remaining in this bed, she was neglecting her child and contributing to his comatose state. Roman ran a frustrated hand through his hair and shook his head at her. “This is not your fault. Not John’s condition and certainly not Eric’s condition. And there’s not a thing you can do for Eric right now, other than pray for him. And there wouldn’t be any more that you could do for him if you weren’t trapped in that bed. Don’t add anymore to that burden you’re carrying. Since you refuse to ask for help in carrying it, a few more items of guilt, just might push you over the edge.” Marlena shot him a look of fire, although she knew he was speaking the truth. Roman smiled at her, grateful for some sign of emotion and life in those dim hazel eyes. It was nothing compared to her usual spark, but it was a start.
“Just tell him that I love him, okay?” She answered.
“I’d be glad to,” Roman replied happily. Marlena noticed a figure standing in the doorway, just past Roman. A second of intense perusal told her that it was Dr. Nolan. Her breath caught in her chest. He stood unmoving, waiting until he was noticed, hating to disturb their conversation. With both occupants of the room staring at him, he delivered his news.
“I’m sorry to interrupt. But we have everything ready for you. Whenever you’re ready, please let me know,” Marlena nodded blankly, unable to speak a word. Roman thanked the doctor and escorted him back out into the hallway.
“Thank you,” Marlena whispered as Roman re-entered the room. He shrugged it off with a cocky smile and followed it with a wink.
“That’s my job,” He answered. “And I do it very well.” He sat down in the chair beside the bed, his eyes quickly changing from playful to serious. “Are you ready to do this?”
“No,” She answered honestly, her voice quivering. “But I don’t have a choice. This is what he wants. I mean, wanted,” She corrected herself, the mere thought of using only past tense when referring to John frightening her to no end. “Where’s Brady?” She suddenly asked, wanting to see the little guy one more time before facing the insurmountable task placed before her.
“Well, last I saw him, he was out in the waiting room with your Mom and Dad. They were playing with him. They were pretty shaken when you asked them to let you have some time alone so they wrapped themselves up in playing with Brady. He was very happy to oblige them,” Roman answered.
“Do you think you could go get him for me? I just need a few more minutes with him. He gives me strength that I don’t have on my own.” Roman nodded and was out the door before Marlena could even thank him. When he returned he was carrying a bleary-eyed Brady in his arms. Brady’s smile chased all the darkness from the room and Marlena’s spirits instantly lifted. Roman sat Brady on the bed beside Marlena and Brady carefully crawled up into her arms, smiling all the while. Once there, he let his head rest upon her shoulder and settled in for the night. She sighed wearily. Brady looked up at her, his eyes full of unspoken questions. Determined to be strong for Brady’s sake, she smiled warmly at him and placed a tender kiss upon his tousled hair. “Having fun?” She asked, her eyes full of love and light saved only for those for whom she cared the most. He nodded thoughtfully.
“Yeah, but want to go home,” He replied anxiously. “Soon?” He asked.
“I’m not sure how soon it’s going to be, buddy. But I want to go home too.” He snuggled against her chest. “Are you tired, Brady?” He nodded sleepily, his eyes blinking shut.
“Sing to me, Momma. Daddy always does,” Marlena sighed again, wishing she could hear John singing to Brady or that she’d had the chance to hear him singing Angel to sleep. Most of all she just wanted to hear his voice again. Seeing the look of entreaty in Brady’s eyes reminded her she must hide her pain and do everything in her power to meet his needs. She began softly singing a lullaby to him, watching lovingly as his eyes slowly closed and his chest began to rise and fall in deep even breaths. Roman’s heart caught in his throat as he heard her song. It was one she had always sung to the twins when they were little. His heart sang along as he stood in the doorway watching.
Long after Brady had fallen asleep, Marlena continued singing. Her heart wishing the words of the gentle lullaby could soothe her own soul as it had the little boy’s. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Oh, if things could only be that simple again. She looked up to find Roman tenderly gazing at her. He smiled and stepped forward to take Brady from her. She held the little boy close for one second longer and then placed one last kiss upon his brow. She then held him up as much as she could for Roman to take. He hefted the little boy onto his shoulder and started to walk away.
“Tell the doctor that I’m ready now, Roman,” She whispered as he walked away. He turned around to make sure he was reading her correctly. Despite what she said, Roman wanted to make sure she was really ready. Until then, he wouldn’t tell the doctor a thing. He beheld a much more composed woman, her chin held high, her eyes flashing fire, almost daring the world to take anything from her grasp. He didn’t have to ask. He knew that she was really ready. He deposited Brady in the waiting room with Abe and Shane, telling Marlena’s parents that she was ready to see John. They quickly marched to her room, while Roman searched for Dr. Nolan.
Within half an hour, Marlena was being wheeled down the hall in a wheelchair, her posture slightly stooped due to the wound in her side. With each passing second, her heart began to pound with greater intensity. Her stomach churned as she pictured John as they had whisked him into surgery, his body bloodied and limp. She could feel bile rising up, threatening to choke her. She cast a panicked glance up at her father. He gently slipped his hand into hers and smiled lovingly.
“You can do it, baby girl,” He promised. Marlena wished that she could believe him. She glanced back down the hall to the route before them. She could see Roman and Kim standing outside a door not far from her. They wore expressions of encouragement and concern. As they neared closer to the room, Marlena wanted to scream, to demand that they reevaluate the situation and determine a better solution, one where she would not have to make the decision to let John go. Knowing that such a demand would be futile only worsened her fears. The orderly stopped outside the door where Roman and Kim were standing. Marlena felt trapped, flanked on all sides by concerned family members. She wanted to banish them all. She wanted so desperately to just go inside and lie beside John and forget that everything was falling apart. Roman leaned over and kissed her forehead, his lips tender and loving.
“I’m with ya, kid. Call me if you need me.” He whispered in her ear and then he was gone. Kim leaned over and brushed a stray hair from her cheek.
“My prayers are with you, Marlena,” She smiled sympathetically and disappeared down the hall, following in Roman’s footsteps. Frank and Martha remained by Marlena’s side, their eyes asking more than their voices could ever say.
“I would like to be alone with him for a few minutes, please,” Marlena answered their unspoken question. Dr. Nolan, who had appeared from inside the room, nodded his approval. She moved to stand up. Dr. Nolan eyed her questioningly.
“Are you sure you’re ready to stand?” She nodded. Frank wrapped his arm tenderly around her and helped her hobble into the room.
As soon as they entered the room, Marlena’s breath caught in her throat. Involuntarily, her hand covered her mouth, her eyes registering magnitudes of unspoken panic. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even think clearly, her breaths coming in shallow raspy gasps. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight of John. Tubes were inserted in every possible location and the respirator hissed with each breath like a poisonous snake ready to strike at a moment’s notice.
Her knees caved beneath her as she cast a helpless gaze up at her father. She sank to the floor, her knees slamming into the ground as she began to silently sob. She had never felt so weak and helpless in her entire life. The concerned voices of her father and the doctor rang distantly in her ears. She tried weakly to stand, but only fell back down again. Frank knelt beside her, gently scooping her into his arms. Dr. Nolan directed him to the cot, which had been placed right next to John’s bed. Frank laid her upon the cot, cradling her head to his chest as she sobbed. He smoothed her hair and ran his hand down her back, trying desperately to soothe her broken heart, all the while knowing that he could not do so.
“Oh, Daddy,” She sobbed. “Please just make it all go away.” Tears streamed down Frank’s cheek as he realized that he could do absolutely nothing to ease his daughter’s pain. He too felt more helpless than he had ever felt before. Dr. Nolan released the railing on John’s bed, sliding it down to allow Marlena access to him. The cot was placed right against John’s bed, creating a makeshift double bed with room for them both, so that she could be as close as she needed to be right up until the end. When Marlena realized that she could touch John, she fled her father’s embrace.
The minute that she reached John, she gathered his arm in hers, letting her head fall to his shoulder. Her body shook with silent sobs at the feel of him. How would she ever be able to live without that precious commodity? “We’ll leave you alone for a few minutes. Buzz for me when you’re ready.” Dr. Nolan whispered. Marlena nodded silently. Frank kissed her forehead and instructed her to call for him if he was needed. She nodded blankly, barely hearing his words. As soon as the room emptied of all other occupants, Marlena’s words came in a torrent.
“Please don’t leave me,” She pleaded, her heart aching as she curled her own broken body around his. “You have to fight for me, for us.” She demanded. “I can’t make it without you,” Her voice broke, tears streaming down her cheeks. “You’re the only one who doesn’t make me be strong. When I just need to be human, to break down, you are the only one who lets me. You don’t judge me. You just hold me in your arms until I believe that everything will be all right again. You’ve never asked me to give more of myself than I had to give. And when I needed to be weak, you always stayed strong for me. You can’t leave me alone, do you understand? You have to fight for me, for Brady, for us! I can’t be strong on my own. Not anymore,” Marlena’s voice faded into a whimper. She felt as if her heart were literally shattering into a million pieces as she lay there. And yet John still lay there, not moving, not responding. She knew that if he could hear her and he had any power at all, he would get better for her. For the first time though, she wondered if such a feat was in John’s control. She turned her head to the sky, her heart questioning the almighty and supreme God, whom she had always been taught to trust.
“When is it going to end? Haven’t I suffered enough? Hasn’t John? And our children? God, do you see those children? Brady needs his daddy. I can’t be that for him. Where are you when I need you? I have lost everything and John was the one thing that I had left. Must you take him too?” She cried, her entire body trembling. Weary of the struggle, she let her head fall back against his shoulder and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry, God. I’m sorry. Please just bring him back to me. I need him. If you don’t mind, God, I’d just like to have him back. I don’t think I can make it on my own,” Her emotions were getting the best of her, running the gamut from one extreme to the next. Anger mingled with fear and doubt, frustration with agony. In desperation, she offered one final plea, “God, if you bring him back to us, I promise to make things right. I’ll make ours the perfect marriage and I’ll be the best wife. I’ve failed so many times, but if you bring him back, I promise I’ll make it right. Please, God, don’t leave me alone,” Her voice faded to nothing as she heard a knock at the door. She answered with a weak, “Come in.” Never lifting her head to see who might have entered the room. Dr. Nolan’s voice reached her ears and she knew the time had come.
“I’m sorry, but I think it’s time. Are you ready?” She nodded her head weakly, knowing that she’d never be anymore ready than she was right now. Nothing could prepare her for the loss that would accompany the absence of the sound of that respirator. He stepped to a machine and depressed a few buttons. The room became silent, except for her own ragged breaths and the faint beeping of the heart monitor.
“How long?” She questioned, dreading the answer.
“You may have only a few minutes. I can’t make an accurate guess, but soon. Would you like me to leave?” She shook her head.
“No,” She held tightly to John’s hand, this time laying her head upon his chest, feeling it rise and fall with extreme effort. “Fight for me, John,” She whispered, refusing to say goodbye. She couldn’t force herself to believe that this was really the end.
Frank and Martha stood in the doorway. Martha held to Frank for dear life, feeling her daughter’s pain with frightening reality. She could feel her knees begin to give way, but Frank held tight to her, gathering her into a strong embrace. Silent tears streamed down each of their faces as they watched the heart monitor continue to slowly etch its line. He was a fighter, Frank thought, right to the very end.
Marlena closed her eyes, whispering to John as she painted a mental picture of the happiness that lay in store for them. Her mind was flooded by images of a graveside vigil, alone this time, instead of cradled in the arms of her true love. She tried to force it from her mind, but it remained hauntingly clear.
“Fight for me, John. Don’t you dare give up. You’re all I have,” Marlena cried, her ear catching the faint sound of John’s erratic heartbeat. Suddenly, she could hear no more. Panicked, she sat bolt upright and screamed. “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
The room remained silent except for the fading echo of Marlena’s scream. The end had come as they had all expected and yet everyone stood unmoving unable to actually accept that John was gone. An eerie chill spread across the room as Marlena threw herself atop of John’s lifeless body, wailing a mournful keen. Dr. Nolan dropped his head, unable to bear the sight of Marlena’s tears, his brain attempting desperately to shut out the piercing sound of Marlena’s cries. Frank stepped to the bed and attempted to lift Marlena from John. She fought him off with every ounce of her being, refusing to leave John’s side.
“No, you can’t take me from him,” She screamed viciously, her eyes flashing golden sparks of fire. “He’s not really gone. He’s not really going to leave me.” She declared as she turned to John and began softly caressing his ashen cheek. “John, show them, show them that you’re still in there. Show them that you’re fighting for us.” Her voice was tremulous as she tried to convince everyone else that he was still alive, wishing franticly that she could convince herself as well. The gaping hole in her heart, however, would not be so easily convinced.
And then amidst the melee of the room, a faint sound could be heard. Dr. Nolan’s eyes shot instantly up to the heart monitor as did Marlena’s. He shushed the room’s occupants and scanned the monitor for details. A faint smile crept across his face. It was there, weak and a bit erratic, but it was there, a heartbeat. John hadn’t given up just yet. Marlena’s tears soaked the gown that John wore as she whispered a fevered prayer of thanks. The room remained quiet except for the sound of the monitor as they all waited for the sound to disappear. Marlena closed her eyes and allowed herself to rest in the comfort of John’s love, believing what no else one in the room could believe. He had fought for her and would keep on fighting for her until he made it back to her. Nearly an hour passed without anyone saying a word, each one growing ever more hopeful with every passing moment. Dr. Nolan smiled. He walked to the bed to get yet another observation of John. Marlena lay sleeping on his chest, her lips curled in a content smile of peace. Frank voiced the question that both he and Martha were pondering.
“Does this mean that he’s going to live?” His voice was hopeful, although somewhat doubtful.
“I have no idea. I have never seen anything like this before. He should be dead. His heart was severely damaged, as were his lungs. Every major organ system had serious damage. He should not be able to function without the life support,” Dr. Nolan whispered as he shook his head, confounded by the medical abnormality before him.
“And yet he is functioning,” Martha replied, slipping herself into the familiar warmth of Frank’s embrace.
“Yes, he is. My best prediction is that he just might pull through this after-all. We’ll run some tests in the morning after your daughter wakes up. But I would have to guess that her love brought him back from death.” Martha closed her eyes against the tears spilling down her cheeks, and let her head fall onto Frank’s strong chest. “I’ll be checking on them both frequently. Her doctor would probably want her to go back to her room, but there’s no way I am removing her from him. As far as I’m concerned, she worked a miracle for John. Besides she looks better now than she has since they brought her in.” Frank nodded his agreement. “Well, I’ll be going now. Why don’t you go get some rest yourself? You both look like you could use it. They’ll be well monitored, I assure you.”
“Thank you,” Martha whispered. “For everything. We can’t thank you enough.”
“Just seeing that heart monitor still rising is thanks enough. Now go get some rest.” He exited the room, promising himself to hold his wife just a little bit closer that night and tell her how loved and cherished she really was. Feeling a very similar sentiment, Frank pulled Martha tightly to his chest and kissed her with all of his might. She melted into his embrace, puddy in his hands as always.
“Oh, Frank,” She sighed as he finally released her. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful in my life.” He nodded.
“I know. Seeing that smile on her face is enough to wipe away the last few days. It does my heart good,” He kissed her again, unable to contain his joy. She smiled up at him.
“I guess she found that special someone for her, someone like you, who gave everything to stay with her,” Her eyes danced with joy. “Well, we better go tell the family to quit planning a funeral and start planning a wedding.” They marched down the hallway to the waiting room some distance away, meeting the concerned faces of many friends and family members. Roman spoke first.
“Well, what happened?” He questioned. Kim sat down beside Shane, linking her trembling hand in her ex-husband’s. Abe closed his eyes and waited in anxious anticipation of the impending words of devastation to be delivered by Marlena’s parents. They were all too lost in their own grief to see the look of satisfaction on the Evans’ faces. Frank couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he spoke.
“He pulled through!” He whispered, still unable to believe it himself.
“What?!?” Roman shouted. “Do you mean that he’s still alive?” His eyes lit with joy when he thought of the tremendous sense of peace Marlena must now feel, while his heart sank at the final curtain of his romance with Marlena. He hadn’t wanted to hope that John’s death could bring them back together, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want John to die. He just wanted to erase everything that had happened in the past few weeks. He wanted to find out again about the affair. He wanted the chance to change his reaction, to save his marriage. He stopped himself, forcing to his mind the devastated Marlena he’d seen hours before. The woman who might as well have been comatose alongside John. She loved John more than life itself. Erasing his reaction wouldn’t do anything but prolong the inevitable. Marlena would have eventually decided that she needed to be with John. And now she had that opportunity. He tried to imagine the excitement that would be radiating from her glowing eyes. Her happiness would have to be enough. It had to be, or he would never be able to go on with his own life. He forced a smile he didn’t feel as he gazed at the family gathered around him. Kim squeezed Shane’s hand tightly, tears of joy creeping down her pale cheeks, while Abe pulled Roman into a bear hug, patting his back ferociously as he did. Everyone was overjoyed at the news. Everyone except Roman.
“Yes,” Martha supplied. Everyone drew the first deep breath that they’d drawn in days. “They removed him from life support and he’s still living. The doctor expects him to make a full recovery.”
“Yes!” Kim shouted as she pulled Shane and Abe into a collective embrace. Her smile warmed the room.
“How did this happen?” Abe asked. “I thought they said that if they removed the life support John would die.”
“The doctor doesn’t quite understand it. The only way to explain it is that John loves Marlena too much to leave her by herself.” The sigh of relief that escaped everyone’s lips resounded across the empty waiting room. Roman leaned over and kissed Kim’s hair, regret swimming in his eyes. There had been a time when Marlena had reserved such undying love and devotion for him. His heart ached for what once had been while his mind raged against the man who had torn them apart the day he’d entered Marlena’s life. Roman hadn’t stood a chance. The ache is his heart was so painful, he needed to see Marlena to feel okay again. As soon as he saw her elation, his heart would rest a little easier. He would be unable to deny the truth then. His marriage was over and the love she felt for him now was nothing more than friendship, a bond made stronger only by the existence of their children. If he could just see her, he could force himself to believe that things were finally over.
“Where’s Marlena?” He asked.
“She’s sleeping. I mean really sleeping. She looks so peaceful. The doctor said she could stay in there as long as she wanted.” Martha smiled.
“How long does he think it will be before John wakes up?” Shane asked.
“He didn’t say and we didn’t think to ask. We were just too happy to have him alive that we didn’t think about anything else. I’m sure that we’ll be able to ask him later,” Frank answered, pulling Martha a little closer to him. “Look, we’re going to take Brady off your hands there and go to our hotel room.” He lifted the sleeping Brady from his position on the waiting room couch. The little boy awoke, his face a mask of confusion.
“Daddy,” He cried. “Want to see Daddy!” The little boy was inconsolable, repeating his father’s name over and over again. Frank looked at Martha, who nodded at him.
“Okay, Brady, we’ll let you see Daddy. But he’s sleeping and so is Mommy so we have to be real quiet, okay?” Brady nodded. The room was dark as they entered, but the peace exuding from Marlena’s sleeping body could clearly be felt. Brady wiggled in Frank’s arms, wanting to lie down on the bed with John and Marlena. Frank shook his head firmly, knowing that his daughter would awaken. She needed to sleep. “You can’t get on the bed with them, Brady. I’m sorry. Mommy and Daddy have lots of hurts and they need to sleep.” Big tears welled in Brady’s eyes as he buried his head in Frank’s neck. Frank’s heart broke. “Okay, buddy, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll let you give them both a kiss, but you have to stay in my arms, okay?” Brady nodded enthusiastically. It was better than nothing.
Frank leaned over Marlena’s sleeping frame first, allowing the boy to brush his lips against her forehead. As Frank had suspected, Marlena’s eyes fluttered open. She smiled warmly up at Brady and held her arms out to him. Brady looked to Frank, knowing that he was violating their agreement. Frank smiled reluctantly and placed the little boy in his daughter’s lap. Brady snuggled in tight.
“Hey, little guy, how are you doing?” Marlena sleepily asked as she cuddled Brady to her chest. The smile brimming in his laughing blue eyes no longer mocked her as it had only hours before. It provided joy beyond measure. She could have them both now, both the original and his tiny little carbon copy. John only had to wake up.
“Good,” Brady whispered, staring over at John’s limp body. “Daddy ‘kay?” He asked. Marlena smiled, warmth exuding from her golden eyes.
“Yes, Brady. Daddy’s okay. He’s going to wake up and come home with us very soon,” She made a promise she hoped she’d be able to keep.
“Give Daddy kiss?” Brady whispered, already moving to do so. Marlena carefully positioned Brady so that he could kiss his father. Brady placed a feathery kiss on his Daddy’s cheek and whispered, “Love you, Daddy. Miss you.” He then crawled back to Marlena. Marlena couldn’t resist the impulse to do the same thing. She leaned over John, placing a tender kiss upon his pale lips. She closed her eyes for just a moment, wishing that John would respond to her. Nothing could have prepared her heart for the moment when she felt him returning her kiss. Her heart began racing wildly and her eyes flew open, tears instantly streaming as she stared into the brilliant blue eyes of her lover, undimmed by the pain wracking his body. Her gasp of surprise echoed across the room, drawing the attention of Frank, Martha, and Brady. She pulled back to stare at him, unable to say the millions of words floating around in her head. Her hand flew to her mouth, her teeth clenching in an effort to stem the tears. John whispered something to her, but she couldn’t quite hear him. Her heart was beating too wildly for her to hear a thing.
“What?” She softly whispered, chewing nervously on her bottom lip.
“I love you,” He answered. “So very much.” He closed his eyes, exhausted from the effort. Marlena beckoned her parents to the bed.
“Go get Dr. Nolan!” She pleaded. Frank raced down the hallway while Martha collected Brady into her arms.
“John, are you still awake, honey?” Marlena questioned, wanting more than just a few seconds of lucidity with him. His eyes slowly fluttered
back open. “I love you, too. More than you could ever know, John.” She brushed at the streaming tears with the back of her hand, drawing a deep cleansing breath as she did.
“I know,” He whispered. “I know.” He glanced over at Martha standing beside the bed with a squirming Brady in her arms. “I love you too, Slugger.” Martha had to hold tightly to Brady as he attempted to jump down onto the bed.
“Play, Daddy!” He excitedly begged. Marlena laughed as she smiled up at the energetic little boy.
“Daddy’s pretty tired, Brady. He’s not going to be able to play for awhile.” Brady’s countenance sank. “I’ll play with you very soon, little guy, I promise you that.” John weakly promised.
“I’m going to take Brady back out to the waiting room and give the two of you a few moments. Let me know if you need me,” Martha explained as she walked to the door. “Let’s go play with Uncle Roman, okay Brady?” Brady didn’t like the distraction but was willing to go for round two with Roman.
“I missed you so much. I was so scared you were going to leave me,” Marlena cried as she clung tightly to his hand. “I know. I was scared too,” He brushed the tears from her cheek, as he had always done, the simple act only causing more tears to stream. He weakly grabbed her chin and led it towards him. His lips enveloped hers with passion belying his weakened condition. Marlena responded with all she had in her, determined not to miss another moment with him.
“Ooh,” She whispered. “You feel so good.” Her tears ran down both of their cheeks, but nothing could stem the tide of loving ebbing between them. They simply couldn’t get enough of one another. Marlena scooted closer to John on the bed, feeling that she couldn’t get close enough to him. His hand cradled her chin, catching her tears of joy as they spilled down her cheek, reminding him how close he’d come to never feeling those tears again. He deepened the kiss, clutching to her body with tender urgency. Each second evolved into a lifetime, a lifetime which only hours before had been denied them. A knock at the door startled them both. Dr. Nolan stood smiling in the doorway. Their lips reluctantly parted, but they remained in a tender embrace. Marlena smiled guiltily up at the intruding doctor, knowing that within a few minutes he was going to forbid anymore of such “strenuous” activity.
“He’s awake,” She whispered as she tried to smooth her disheveled appearance.
“I can see that,” Dr. Nolan chuckled, crossing the room easily with his long strides. “Marlena, if you don’t mind, could I have a few moments to check him out?” ”The look in her eyes told him that she did mind, but he knew she’d comply. She squeezed John’s hand. He pulled her down for another kiss, this one much more restrained than the last, but still containing the same urgency.
“I’ll be right outside,” She promised, her fingers trailing from his grasp as she stepped away. Frank appeared from the doorway and assisted her into the wheelchair. John’s brows rose in concern. He hadn’t realized that Marlena had been hurt as well. It was obvious that she still wasn’t strong enough to stand on her own. Dr. Nolan quickly explained to the concerned man that Marlena was doing fine and recuperating quite nicely from the wounds in her side. John mentally reminded himself to ask Marlena about that later. As a loud yawn escaped his lips, he wondered if he’d even be able to stay awake long enough to remember.
Frank wheeled his daughter into the hallway, where overjoyed family and friends accosted her. Everyone wrapped her in tender hugs. Words of congratulations and support rang about her. Marlena’s eyes caught Roman standing by, as if uncertain whether he should approach. She smiled at him and nodded happily. He pulled her into a warm embrace.
“I’m happy for you, Doc. I know this has been really difficult for you. Wait till I see that John though and nail him for stealing you, again ” He smiled cockily, making light of his own sense of loss. He kissed her forehead tenderly. His face was a muddled mixture of emotions. She grabbed a hold of his hand, squeezing it tenderly.
“Thank you, Roman. For all your support and understanding and for your forgiveness.” Roman brushed off her gentle words, knowing that if he took them to heart he’d cry. Her smile was radiant lighting the room with its peace and beauty. No one felt untouched by her joy. She didn’t have to say a word. Her happiness was etched on her face, its very presence erasing the lines of fatigue and stress that had appeared in the previous days and hours. Suddenly, Marlena remembered that two of her children had been injured in the accident as well. “How are Sami and Eric?” She inquired, hoping the answer wouldn’t eliminate her elation.
“They’re both doing better than expected. Sami’s leg was finally set in a cast and she is supposed to be released this evening. Eric still hasn’t woken up yet, but his brain waves are very active and the doctor says he’s really doing great. He expects Eric to wake up at any time.” Roman answered, smiling that he could bring good news as well.
“I’d like to go see them.” Roman expected no less.
“All right, we can do that. Eric is on the third floor and Sami is on the second floor. Are you ready to travel?” He placed his hands on the wheelchair and lifted it backwards. Marlena’s eyes grew wider than he would have imagined possible. “I take it that you don’t like wheelies, huh, Doc?” She shook her head, her eyes still glowing with frightened surprise. Her voice seemed to have temporarily abandoned her. Roman chuckled, he’d rendered the good doctor speechless. “You, speechless, Doc? Maybe I should have tried that when we were married,” He laughed. She punched his arm and shot him a dagger of golden fire. Her expressive eyes had always drawn him to her. The flame drew him to her now, so much so that he had to turn away or suffocate from its intensity.
As he began wheeling her down towards Eric’s room, Marlena shouted back to Kim, “Please tell John that I had to go check on the children. I’ll be back soon.” Kim smiled and nodded, knowing that nothing could keep Marlena from John. And she needn’t tell John that Marlena would be back. He knew it. He had always known it, even when Marlena hadn’t. Marlena was always drawn to the fire in John, the fire she felt in herself when in John’s arms. Just as Roman could never separate himself from Marlena, Marlena could never separate herself from John. It hurt Kim to know that her brother would be the loser in that tangled equation. But he had to live with the choices he’d made in his darkest hour. And she knew that he’d find a way to be thankful that he had Marlena in his life, even if it meant only having her as a friend now. As she watched him vanishing down the hallway, chatting amiably with Marlena, a smile crept across her face as she heard his low laugh echoing down the hallway. He was happy and for Kim that had to be enough.
Roman took Marlena to Sami’s room first, knowing that she’d be better able to cope with Sami’s condition in her exhausted state. As they reached the door, he could see that Sami was resting. Her leg was propped up on a mountain of pillows. Her tangled, flaxen hair splayed across the pillow, proof that she’d had difficulty falling asleep. Her cheeks were pale. Her arms bruised and scratched, bearing witness to the trauma she’d experienced in the past few days. As they approached the bed, her eyes fluttered open, her glassy blue eyes staring at her parents in confusion. She wasted no words of salutation, her heart heavy with Kim’s words from hours before that John was going to be removed from life support.
“How’s John?” The smile that spread across her mother’s face cued her in on the outcome of John’s situation.
“He’s doing wonderful, honey. We removed him from life support, but he didn’t die. He just kept fighting and pulled through. He woke up about half an hour ago. He’s going to be fine. Now what about you? I heard that your leg’s broken,” Sami nodded miserably.
“Yeah, they say I have to keep this thing on for at least six weeks, maybe longer,” She pointed to the bulky cast trapping her leg in its confines. Her aggravation was apparent. “But I guess I should be thankful that that’s all that was wrong with me,” She tried to be optimistic. She noticed for the first time that her mother wasn’t walking. “Why are you in a wheelchair, Mom?”
“I’m not really strong enough to walk on my own. I broke a couple of ribs. They had to put a lot of stitches in there to close the wound in my side. It’s just hard for me to walk so they’ve provided me with this lovely alternative to walking, complete with my own chauffeur. Sami, meet Ramon, my immigrant limo driver,” She teased, staring doe-eyed up at Roman. Sami laughed, enjoying the fact that her parents were back on speaking terms.
“Maybe next time you could ask for a cuter driver, Mom,” Sami retorted, more than happy to join in the merriment. Roman bowed graciously, tipping an imaginary hat at the ladies.
“Hola, my-o name-o is Ramon. I’m glad to be at your service-o,” He answered in a terrible Spanish accent, adding a gratuitous O to the end of every word as if the mere presence of an
“O” would make his very American words Spanish. Sami groaned and rolled her eyes.
“That was awful, Dad,” Marlena nodded her agreement.
“Do either of you know that what I said wasn’t Spanish? Last time I checked neither of you were fluent,” Both women shook their heads. “Then I don’t want to hear another word. If you can’t prove it wasn’t Spanish, I don’t have to prove it was Spanish,” Marlena laughed at his mistaken logic.
“I can’t argue with that even if I wanted to,” She replied. Roman nodded, his eyes shining. “So, Ms. Brady, I hear they’re letting you out of this place tonight. Where are you going to go?”
“Well, Grandma and Grandpa Evans have a hotel room and they promised that they’d take me home with them. I wish I could really go home though. I want to sleep in my own bed,” Marlena and Roman both nodded their agreement.
“Soon, honey, very soon,” Marlena answered, wanting to go home nearly as much as her injured daughter. Both wanted to attempt to return to some sense of normality. It’d been so long since they’d even operated under the pretext of normality that normality was beginning to appear abnormal to them. Marlena grabbed Sami’s hand and held it to her cheek. She placed a tender kiss upon a scratch she saw there. Sami smiled at her mother. “Things are going to be okay, sweetheart. I can’t promise you that, but I can just tell you that I have a feeling we’re going to make it through this.”
“I know, Mom,” Sami yawned, her eyes suddenly very heavy. Her lids fluttered close as she tried to fight sleep, but it was no use. She was out. Roman kissed her forehead and whispered words of love in her ear. He wished that the little play they’d just enacted could be real. He couldn’t stop the anger that arose at the thought that John had taken this from him. John had taken everything from Roman and now Roman had nothing left but the sad little role-playing attempts that they would slip into with frightening familiarity, only to be haunted by the remembrance that such familiarity could never truly belong to him again. His eyes shot up to Marlena, monitoring her to see if she had noticed the swell of anger that had so swiftly arisen inside of him. Her eyes were focused completely upon their daughter. She kissed Sami’s hand one last time and let it fall to the bed.
Roman furiously fought down the rage within him as he wheeled her back out into the hallway and headed up to Eric’s room. He needed all of his energies focused. Marlena was going to need his strength now. This one as going to be more of a shock to her system. She and Eric had always been so close and he just didn’t look very good. His skin was an unhealthy color and his arms and legs lay limp upon the crisp hospital bed. He knew that this was going to hurt her even more than it had hurt him when he’d first walked in to see Eric. He tried to prepare her as they drew ever closer to Eric’s room. But as they entered the room, her breath caught in her chest.
She began to sob as she stared at her energetic, caring son lying lifeless on the sterile hospital bed. The sight of him was so foreign to her she couldn’t stand it. She dropped her eyes and let the tears fall unchecked upon her legs. Roman knelt before her, taking her hands in his. She trembled as she pulled away from him.
“Honey, are you okay?” She said nothing, pressing her face into her palms to hide her fears and pain from his observant gaze. She knew that such a move was futile, but it didn’t matter. She brushed him aside as she rolled herself over to the bed, taking Eric’s limp hand into her own. Fiercely, she gripped his hand as she spoke.
“Eric Roman Brady, you wake up right this minute!” She demanded, realizing the futility of her words. “Please,” She added weakly. Eric didn’t respond at all, just remained unmoving on the bed. Roman walked over to her and pulled her into his arms. She held tightly to him, her fears getting the best of her.
“I’m scared, too,” He whispered into her hair. She shivered, her fear nearly overwhelming her. Despite the miracle she’d just witnessed with John, she couldn’t force herself to believe that she’d be so lucky again. It seemed God was determined to punish her for her sins. She only wished innocent children were not suffering for her many mistakes. Brady had almost lost the only real family he had left and now Eric might lose his entire future, his very life. The thought frightened her to the core. Roman pulled back and looked deep into her eyes. “Eric is our son. He’s not going to give up so easily. He’s nothing if not stubborn. He comes by it naturally. We both tend to be a little determined. Eric’s like us. You know he’s not going to give up. He knows you need him, honey,” Marlena nodded her agreement, but wished she could convince her heart to believe his words. She stared at her son, bearing the marks of a sin not his own and she inwardly cringed. Roman was right, wasn’t he?
Marlena’s lip quivered nervously as she tried to speak to her comatose son. His ashen skin frightened her, as did his lifeless body. Nearly every part of his frame was swathed in bandages. Tubes weaved in and out of every visible cavity. Monitors had been attached to his heart, brain and lungs. Each machine whirred in a hideously grotesque hiss, marking each passing second with ominous clarity. She knew his condition was not as rosy as Roman had tried to paint it. As she gently ran her fingers across his pale cheek, she voiced a silent prayer for her son, her hand trembling in desperation as her mind silently screamed its urgency. Eric meant so much to her. During the past few weeks, he’d been her rock. He’d stood by her, unwavering, fighting off the flares of hatred and blame being fired at her from all directions. He was just a baby. How could he be lying here like this?
The emotions swirling around inside of her caused her head to spin. Her stomach lurching viciously with bitter bile. She let her head fall to the bed, her lips resting against her son’s lifeless hand. Tears streamed down her cheeks, soaking the bedding around her. Her shoulders heaved as she sobbed uncontrollably. The emotional toll that the last few hours had wreaked upon her was beginning to show. Roman knelt down in front of her, ignoring her plaintive cries that she was all right. Tenderly, he lifted her into his arms, carrying her to a chair that across the room. Her head fell weakly to his chest as she submitted to her own desperate need to be held. Her fingers clasped tightly to his shirt as her sobs grew ever louder. Roman gently smoothed her hair and ran his strong hand across her back in a soothing motion until he felt her relax in his embrace. He looked down to find her staring up at him with wide-eyed confusion.
“Why?” She whispered fiercely, her puzzled eyes shadowed with misery.
“Why, what, honey?” He replied tenderly.
“Why did this all have to happen? I just don’t understand. Why did Eric have to get hurt and why did Sami have to get hurt? Why are they being punished for our mistakes? It’s just not fair,” Roman shook his head and lifted Marlena’s chin to look into her eyes.
“I don’t know why any of this happened. It just did. It’s not punishment for the sins we’ve committed. It’s not payback for our crimes. It was just a horrible accident. Nothing more. You didn’t do anything to cause this and nothing you could have done would have prevented it. It was an accident. Do you understand me?” His grip was firm as he spoke. He believed what he was saying. Why couldn’t she? Not seeing a need to argue with him, she nodded and repeated his words, her voice lacking the conviction that had been unmistakable in Roman’s.
“It was just an accident,” The phrase sounded hollow even to her own ears. She let her gaze return to her son, more as an avoidance tactic than anything. She couldn’t hide her feelings from Roman and his words hadn’t erased her belief that somehow she had done something to deserve such a horrendous punishment. Roman, able to read her emotions without any spoken words, turned her around once again, his body blocking her from seeing anything other than his concerned face.
“This is not your fault, Doc.” She chewed on her lip as she nodded weakly, wanting to believe his words more than anything. As he stared into her eyes, his own guilt resurfaced. If he hadn’t exploded at her on the phone that day, she wouldn’t have left in such a hurry. They might have never even gone to Colorado and none of them would be sitting in this blasted hospital, being forced to sit at one deathwatch after another. He had done this, not Marlena. His fingers began to tremble, dropping from their hold on Marlena’s chin. Her gaze penetrated him, not even seeing the guilt etched upon his face. She could only hear the voice in her head, telling her that her selfish behavior had caused her son this pain, possibly cost him his life. She knew she would have to pretend she believed Roman’s words, or he would never leave her alone.
“I know,” She replied quietly, her words hanging in the air. “Roman, could you let me have a few minutes with Eric? I just need to talk with him alone.” He nodded, needed to escape the stifling oppression of guilt nearly smothering him. Why couldn’t it all just go away? He knew that he’d made mistakes, as had Marlena. They were truly remorseful. They’d even resolved their problems with one another. Why couldn’t everything else just fall into place?
“I can do that. Would you like me to put you back in the wheelchair or leave you in this chair?”
“The wheelchair, please. It makes it easier to move as close as I want to,” She pointed to the wheelchair, still sitting right beside the bed. Roman gathered her in his arms again and placed her back in the chair. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and tipped her chin to look at him one last time.
“I’m right out here if you need me,” She nodded, knowing he wouldn’t leave her alone. Stopping to glance back at her one last time, he whispered, “He’s going to be all right, Doc.” She nodded blankly, keeping her composure only long enough to hear the soft click of the door behind Roman. Instantly, her shoulders slumped and she allowed herself to feel the pain once again. The pain she had felt at almost losing John only intensified the agony of seeing her only son lying bruised and broken on a hospital bed hours from home. Her heart ached. She began to speak, knowing that Eric would understand her pain. The connection between the two of them had always defied all the odds. As he had grown older, they had only grown closer. He never pushed her away. In fact, he seemed to welcome any small intrusion into his personal life. She’d never been a Mrs. Fields type of mom, but unlike Sami, Eric had never seemed to resent that. He’d been proud of his mother’s ability to balance career and family. He always told her he wanted to marry a woman just like her. Now, it looked as if he may never get to marry at all.
Marlena couldn’t help but cry at that thought. She had long imagined walking down the aisle at her son’s wedding, seeing him at the front of St. Luke’s looking resplendent in a tuxedo. His hazel eyes would be shining only for his beloved. His height would loom above his precious bride as he promised to cherish his love for the rest of his days, his eyes filled with as many tears as his bride’s. And then he would lean in and kiss his bride, holding onto her as if his life depended on it. She could imagine how handsome he looked as he marched back down the aisle, glowing with love and happiness. As she glanced down at the figure in the hospital bed, she couldn’t believe that she’d really ever get to see that day now.
“Eric,” Her voice was tender and loving as it had always been with her precious boy. “Honey, I need you to listen to me,” Without thinking she paused, as if waiting for him to promise that he would listen to her. As the tears threatened to resurface, she cleared her throat and drew a deep breath. “You have got to wake up. I need you too much, baby. You can’t leave me. You just can’t,” She whispered, her mind skimming back to a time not too many years ago when she had been deprived of all contact with her family. She had lost so many years with her precious children. Too many years and now it appeared as if she might lose more. The thought terrified her. A shiver crept across her body as she hugged her arms tightly around herself for a moment, trying so hard to convince herself that Eric was going to be fine. She was failing miserably. “Eric, I lost so many years of your life. I can’t stand the thought of your leaving me now. You are a part of me that can never be replaced. I need you to wake up. Please wake up, honey. Please, I need you too much. We all do.”
She sat waiting, expecting his eyes to open to hear his voice whisper her name. It had happened with John. Why couldn’t it happen again? “Eric, please,” Her voice trembled so wildly her words could barely be understood. And still Eric lay there, lifeless, his eyes closed to the world around him. She dropped her head into her hands, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes to prevent the tears forming there from falling. Slowly, she drew deep cleansing breaths and voiced a soft prayer for her son. “God, please bring him back to us. He has such a good heart. He could do so much good for this world. Give him the strength to wake.” She heard a noise. Her eyes flew open. Eric remained unmoving. She realized the sound had come from behind her. She turned to see Roman standing in the doorway.
“I think you need to leave now,” He stated firmly. “You need to get some rest. Sitting here like this isn’t helping either of you. I am going to drive Sami to the hotel and get her settled and then I will be with him. Kim or Shane will stay with him while I am gone. I promise I will stay with him the rest of the night. You need to go back to your room and get some sleep,” He knew she would say she wanted to go to John’s room, but he couldn’t allow himself to presume that. It hurt too much.
“I hate to leave him,” She whispered, gazing lovingly at her precious boy. Roman nodded his understanding. He too hated leaving his son’s side, but Marlena’s being there wasn’t doing anything but upsetting her. She hadn’t really slept in days and desperately needed some rest. He wasn’t leaving this room without her.
“I know you do. But you can’t help if you’re too tired to even think. You need to get some sleep. Then maybe you can come back down here. Let’s go,” He started to wheel her away. She slammed her hand onto the wheels, preventing him from moving anywhere. Her eyes were glowing with motherly fire. She wasn’t quite ready to leave her son’s side and nothing or no one was going to force her to leave until she was ready.
“I have to say goodbye,” She stated resolutely. She wheeled herself closer and kissed Eric’s pale cheek. She gently smoothed his tousled hair. “I love you,” She whispered. “I promise I will be back soon.” Biting ferociously at her lip to stem the tide of tears, she looked back up at Roman, nodding that they could leave now. “I’m guess I am ready now.” Roman wheeled her back down the hall, heading back to her room. He wasn’t going to take her to John’s room unless she asked. He wasn’t intentionally being childish. He just couldn’t quite make himself believe that the only place on Earth where Marlena really felt at peace was at John’s side. He would take her there in a heartbeat if she asked him too, but he could never allow himself to automatically take her there. As they neared her room, she looked up at him, puzzled, having been lost in her own thoughts until they arrived at her door.
“Why are you taking me here?” She asked, genuinely confused. She assumed he knew she wanted to return to John’s room.
“Well, you didn’t tell me you wanted to go anywhere else so I just assumed you would be going back to your room. Your doctor’s probably not going to allow you to stay with him for the rest of your stay, is he?” Marlena’s eyes grew wide.
“I’d like to see him try to stop me,” She replied adamantly. Roman’s heart felt as if it were breaking in two, but he knew he would go to the ends of the Earth to make her happy. He tried to keep his emotions from his face as he awaited the inevitable question. “Roman, please take me to John’s room.” She asked. With a shaky voice, Roman agreed, quickly clearing his voice to make it sound like he simply had something in his throat. Marlena was completely oblivious to the silent turmoil of her ex-husband.
At the waiting room near John’s room, Brady lay dozing on the floor, the Evans’s keeping careful watch over his sleeping form. Abe and Shane sat with their heads leaning against the wall, enjoying their own first taste of sleep in many hours. The squeak of the wheelchair alerted Frank to Marlena’s presence. He swept to her side and expertly took Roman’s place. He could see from Roman’s expression that he couldn’t handle delivering his ex-wife to the devoted arms of her new love. Roman shot him a thankful smile and kissed Marlena goodbye, promising to return to Eric’s side as soon as he had tended to Sami. He then collapsed into a chair beside Abe and released a long, loud sigh as Marlena entered John’s room. Martha placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Thank you, Roman. She couldn’t have done that without you.” He shrugged it off.
“That’s my job.” He faked a smile and dropped his gaze to the floor.
“No, it’s not anymore and I appreciate your sacrificing your own feelings to be with her and help her out. I can tell how much losing her hurts you. Thank you for being there for her. I don’t think she realizes how lucky she is to have two men completely devoted to her.” Martha had latched onto Roman’s hand and was squeezing it tenderly. “Thanks for helping her through this. You’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty.”
“I let her walk away. I MADE her walk away. I owe her this much.” Roman whispered, his emotions written on his exhausted face. “And I just have to be near her. When I thought she had died, something inside of me died. The only way to keep that part of me living is to be near her,” Martha nodded her understanding. “I’ve made so many mistakes in the years that I’ve known her, but none so big as pushing her away after I found out about John. She would have stayed if I had accepted her apology. But I refused to even listen to her. I yelled at her and it was because of me she lost her baby . . . ”
“That’s not true, Roman. Angel died because she just wasn’t strong enough. She wasn’t meant to live. You could have made different choices, but you didn’t. Marlena could have made different choices too. The whole situation was convoluted and confusing. It wasn’t really anyone’s fault, not really. And it is not your fault that Angel died,” Martha interrupted. Roman shook his head, unbelieving.
“I wish I could say that you were right. But you weren’t there. John told me to stop. And she looked so weak. I knew I was breaking her heart. I knew she wasn’t able to handle anymore, but I just couldn’t stop. I needed to make her hurt like she hurt me. It was all so foolish.” He dropped his head into his hands. He couldn’t’ believe he was sitting here pouring his heart out to Marlena’s mother, but as he glanced up at his former mother-in-law he knew why he was able to talk so freely. She was Marlena, or rather Marlena was Martha in so many ways. She could read Roman too. He could see that same tender caring spirit in her eyes. He suddenly got the feeling that she could read his soul. He shivered at the thought. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lay all of this on you. I’m just really tired I guess.” Martha could read his exhaustion and felt it best to let things drop.
“We all are. Why don’t I go get Frank and we’ll see about getting Sami back to the hotel?” She stood and walked to the door. Roman stared after her, wishing he could keep his mind from imagining the scene being enacted in John’s room. He closed his eyes, trying desperately to force the image of Marlena lying in bed with John from his mind. As soon as Frank and Martha came back into the hallway, he jumped from his chair and headed towards Sami’s room.
“I’ll meet you down there,” He called back. Each inch between him and Marlena seemed to ease his agony and yet intensify his heartbreak all in one confusing moment. He needed to be away from her, to ignore the fact that she had already moved on with her life, while he sat blinded in her wake. And, yet, he still needed to be near her, to see her smile, hear her voice, and smell her perfume. He welcomed the thought of immersing himself into caring for Sami for the next few hours. He could really use a good distraction.
*********
Marlena felt instantly at ease the minute she arrived in John’s room. He was sleeping peacefully in the giant bed which had been prepared for them both. Kim sat in a chair beside him, dozing as well. Frank had quietly assisted his daughter into the bed, trying not to awaken either John or Kim. Kim smiled groggily up at them.
“Hi there,” She whispered. Marlena offered a weak smile and tried to ease herself into the bed without waking John. As he too smiled up at her, she realized their silence had been futile. “How’s Eric?” Kim asked. From the worry lines etched on Marlena’s face, Kim could tell his condition hadn’t changed. He was still lying broken and unconscious in intensive care.
“He’s alive,” Marlena could force no more. Kim quietly exited the room as did Frank. They could easily see that Marlena needed the comfort of John’s arms.
“Are you okay?” John whispered. Marlena nodded silently and buried her head against his chest. Years of hiding her feelings for John from everyone had given her extensive practice at concealing the truth. John could feel the slight tremor of her body, could read the avoidance of her eyes. He knew she was lying. “This is John you’re talking to. You can’t lie to me.” He felt a hot tear dampen his hospital gown. His heart broke at her soundless agony. Her body shook with her sobs. She was just so exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. She didn’t think she could handle even one more thing. John gently threaded his strong hand through her shoulder length blonde hair, the very movement bringing peace to her being. He placed a tender kiss on her golden tresses, gently massaging the base of her neck with circular movements of his thumbs. “I love you, Lady. Do you know that?” She nodded wordlessly. “and you don’t have to say a word. I’m here and we’re together. Everything else will work itself out. Just close your eyes and let yourself fall asleep. I have it on good authority that you haven’t been doing much of that lately,” She let herself relax against him, the tender feel of his strong hand bringing peace to her soul.
“I love you too, John,” She whispered as she slipped into a restful sleep. He ran a weak hand down her cheek, his trembling fingers following the trail her tears had journeyed down. He couldn’t believe that he’d almost lost her, almost lost everything. It had all happened so fast. One moment he was watching his children sleeping in the plane with his arms sheltering his love and the next moment he was clinging to life, desperately fighting to get back to Marlena’s side.
His body still felt so weak. He knew that the road back home was going to be long and rocky. But for now, he was content to let his eyes rest on his soulmate. The woman who’d given all she had to give him what he needed. If the situation had been reversed, he didn’t think he could have let any doctor turn off the life support for her. And he knew it had cost her nearly everything to give the doctor her permission. She knew that he didn’t want to live like that. So she agreed, cutting out her own heart in the process. As he glanced back down at her, he thanked God that he could call this woman his own. And he planned on doing everything in his power to keep her by his side forever. He fell asleep making plans for the wedding that would finally unite their lives as their hearts and souls had always been .
Marlena awoke the next morning, feeling as if she had been run over with a truck. Her head ached with an intensity she had never known. Her mind instantly transported itself to Eric’s room. She was there beside him, watching as he slid further and further from her grasp. Her precious boy dangled precariously on the balance of life and death. Not a thing she could do would make an ounce of difference. Everything she had ever told the children about always having a choice to create a better future seemed empty and hollow. How naïve she had been!
To ease the intense pounding in her skull she ran her hand up the base of her neck, trying to knead the inflamed muscles back into place, closing her eyes against the dim sunlight invading the room. The self-applied pressure momentarily relieved the pain, but as soon as she removed her hand the pain returned, stronger and more concentrated than ever. She released an exhausted sigh and opened her tired eyes to find John staring lovingly at her. Even his gaze could not erase the pain in her heart. His eyes seemed to pierce her soul. Without saying a word, he had gotten to the root of her problem. He threaded a hand through hers and gripped tightly to her. He pondered offering some words of consolation but knew nothing could ease the pain. He chose to simply hold her, pulling her more closely to him.
His actions couldn’t have been more perfect. She didn’t need anyone to offer meaningless platitudes, to offer endless apologies and lame lines about how they understood her loss. No one could understand her loss. Within a two-week time frame, she had lost one child while another child sat on the brink of death. No words could erase that cold hard truth. John understood her need for silence, and cherished the moments of solace he could give her while holding her in his embrace.
A knock at the door shattered her moment of peace. She looked up to see Caroline smiling warmly at them from the doorway. Marlena did her best to offer a smile in return but found herself falling sadly short of congenial. Caroline understood though as Marlena knew that she would.
“Hey there, kids. You had us all quite worried,” Caroline whispered tearfully as she crossed the room. John smiled at the only mother he could remember seeing in her eyes remnants of the pain that he had seen in Marlena’s only minutes before. He reached out to her, his giant hand engulfing her tiny palm. Tears escaped down Caroline’s worn cheeks. Her voice trembled as she spoke. “I wasn’t sure I’d get to see that smile again.”
John meant as much to her as did her other children. She thought of him as her own child. The thought of his death had broken her heart. She had gotten on the first plane out of Salem. It hadn’t mattered to her what John had done to Roman and his marriage. Nothing mattered except the fact that her son was near death. When they had learned that he had awoken, her heart still couldn’t rest easy. It wasn’t until she and Shawn had arrived at the hospital and she had seen for herself that he was alive that she could breathe easy.
“I’m sorry we hurt you, Caroline,” Caroline shook her head, as if the words were needless.
“No talk of regrets. I know better than anyone how quickly emotions can get out of control and how much easier it seems to just hide the painful truth than to share it and hurt others. I can never blame you and Marlena. I did the same thing myself. Besides I believe the two of you have suffered enough lately. I would never add to your grief.” She latched onto Marlena’s hand, squeezing gently as a solitary tear ran down her cheek. Marlena closed her eyes, shutting her lids against the tears that threatened to fall. “But God will bring us all through this, I know he will. I lit a candle for each of you in the chapel.”
“Caroline, it’s just so unfair. I can understand why God would want to punish us, butt he children. First Angel and now Eric and Sami. How can that be fair? They’ve done nothing wrong,” Marlena cried. “I’ve lost one baby and now another is lying on the brink of life and death. All because of me. I can take my punishment. I wish to God my children didn’t have to bear it for me.” John shook his head vehemently. He would brook no discussion of this situation being their fault. No one was to blame, not God, not them, not even Roman. It was just an accident, a horrible godforsaken accident. He maneuvered himself to where he could look Marlena straight in the eyes. With his one strong hand, He gripped firmly to her chin, preventing her from averting her gaze, as she was apt to do.
“Don’t you even think that!! You are not to blame. Not for Angel and not for Eric. We are being tested. Our love and our individual strength are being tested. We are going to prove to God or to whoever has given us this test that we CAN make it. DO you hear me? We can make it. Whatever happens,” His voice was stronger than Marlena had ever heard it, more determined. It almost made her believe, almost.
********
Roman sat beside Eric’s bed, pouring out his broken heart to his lifeless son. He’d done so much to hurt Eric, acted so out of character. He’d never faced such a situation, not in all his years. Nothing had made him feel so out of control. Marlena’s betrayal had violated everything in his being that he had ever known. Everything he’d ever known about himself had swiftly vanished. And just as swiftly, as if possessed by some unknown force, he’d lashed out at everyone and everything in the near vicinity, desperately trying to avoid the truth he had always known in his heart. Marlena did not belong to him. She was a gift to be treasured for a while. When he had failed at that mission, God had taken her from him. That’s just the way things were.
He wished with all of his soul he could erase the images flashing through his head. He was yelling at Eric, trying to punch him, fighting desperately to maintain control over the wildfire in his soul. He’d failed miserably and lit a fire within his son. A fire that would not easily be extinguished and when it was, the smoke damage might never be gone. He’d ruined himself in his son’s eyes. He only wished he could erase it all. Watching the tubes that wove in his son’s body, breathing life into his collapsed lungs, his anguish only grew. To fight the gnawing pain, he began to speak candidly with his son, treating him as the man that he truly was.
“Eric, son, I know I have no right to even be in the same room with you after what I’ve done to you and your mother. But she’s found it in her heart to forgive me. I only pray you can do the same. I have had the past few weeks to recreate our lives together in my mind. The mistakes I made along the way are too many to number. I wish I could simply erase them from all of our memories and start fresh, but it’s impossible. I know that. In a perfect world, I’d never have responded to your mom’s affair the way I did and God knows I would never have hurt you the way that I did. But life isn’t perfect and I messed up. I’m not asking you to forgive me son, not now. I know that I don’t deserve that yet. All that I am asking is for you to pull through, for your mom and Sami. They both need you so badly. We never even let Sami know how serious your condition it. I was truly frightened of how she’d react. And your mom, well I think she’s faced enough pain. You’ve always protected your mom. I need you to do that now. Choose to wake up, Eric. Make that choice. If not for yourself and the life that you deserve to have, then for your mom. She needs you so badly,” Roman’s eyes were clouded with unshed tears, his voice raspy with grief. “and I do too. I know I never told you that. I never let you know how much you mean to me. You are everything to me. You are my hope for the future, hope that maybe all of the mistakes I made might have helped you grow into a better man. I dream of seeing my son becoming everything I didn’t have the strength to become. I dream of finally getting to know you, the real you, the side of you that you never showed to me. Please, son, wake up. We all need you so badly. You are our hope for the Brady clan. Please, wake up,” Roman turned as he heard someone sniffling at the doorway. He was shocked to see his father standing there, tears streaming down his age-worn cheeks. “Pop, I didn’t know you were there.”
“I know, son,” Shawn crossed the room in two large strides, wrapping his heartbroken son in a fierce embrace. Roman felt something inside of him break. Suddenly the tears that had been held at bay for so long came rushing down in a torrent. His body shook with heart-wrenching sobs. Shawn held him closer, wishing he could erase his son’s pain. Father and son stood embracing one another until Roman’s tears were spent. He softly apologized for his behavior. “I will have none of that apologizing, son. You have more right to cry than anyone I know,” Roman ducked his head and slid back into the chair by Eric’s bed, silent tears falling to the light sheet covering his son’s broken frame.
Shawn settled into a chair across the room.
The men sat silently for many long minutes. Lost in his grief, Roman thought he heard a noise. He glanced up at his father. Shawn’s eyes were closed, oblivious to any sound at all. Roman’s eyes flew back to his son. His breath caught in his throat as he saw the golden eyes staring back at him. Behind the mask of pain, Eric wore a smile. Roman tried to speak to tell his son how much he was loved, but couldn’t utter a word. Eric weakly grasped his father’s hand and nodded his head. He knew. Choked, Roman could hardly find the strength to say anything.
“Pop,” He finally forced. Shawn’s eyes quickly opened, blinking back shut quickly. He knew he had to be imagining the scene before him. But when he reopened his eyes he could see they weren’t deceiving him. Eric was awake. Knowing Roman wouldn’t’ be able to leave Eric’s side, Shawn made his way out to the nurse’s station.
“My grandson’s awake,” He informed the first nurse he saw. Her look of confusion forced him to divulge further details. “Eric Brady. He’s my grandson and he’s awake.” The nurse’s mouth dropped. No one had expected that boy to make it through the night.
“I’ll go get a doctor,” She hurried away. Shawn returned the room. Nothing had changed. Eric lay silently, unable to speak due to the tube forced down his throat. Roman held to his son’s hand as if his life depended upon it and in many ways it did. He glanced up at his father.
“Call Marlena,” He instructed.
“Why don’t I just go get the lass and bring her back here myself.” Eric’s eyes opened wide, a smile hiding in his eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes, my boy. I’ll be right back.” Shawn disappeared into the hallway, his presence quickly replaced by Eric’s doctor.
“Well, I must admit gentlemen. This is quite a pleasant surprise,” Dr. Elise Wagner smiled as she began to check Eric’s vital signs. She couldn’t believe the turn-around that twelve hours had brought. Eric’s pulse was strong and healthy, not the weak erratic heart rate she’d seen only hours before. His oxygen levels appeared to be normalizing. The faint blue color that had tinted his entire body had melted into a rosy pink blush. He flinched as she prodded his feet, a definite indication that no paralysis had resulted. He seemed like an entirely different patient. She asked Roman to leave for a few minutes while she further examined Eric. Roman complied reluctantly.
Standing in the hallway, his face brightened as he looked up to see Marlena slowly walking his direction. Shawn and Caroline flanked her, supporting her as she walked for the first time in days. Roman chuckled.
“I can see you lost that handsome chauffeur of yours,” She smiled at him, hear eyes lighting as only hers could do. His heart flipped. He wondered if that sensation would ever fade. With the same breath, he desperately wished it would and dreaded the day that it would. She always brought such confusion to his heart, but for the first time he didn’t care. This wasn’t about him or Marlena. It was about Eric. He couldn’t wait to see the look on either of their faces when they saw one another.
“How is he?” she pleaded for him to offer the hope that she had been praying for.
“Great. The doctor can’t believe the change. His pulse was nearly normal. She said his oxygen rate was rising, which was surprising because of his collapsed lung. She also pricked his feet to test for feeling and he winced pretty severely. She’s in there doing a more thorough exam right now. You can go in as soon as she’s done,” His face was full of such hope and excitement she could hardly contain her own.
“Oh, thank you, God,” She whispered. The doctor emerged, her face shining. Shawn led Marlena to Roman’s care. She clung to Roman’s arm as they listened to the doctor share the exciting news.
“Mr. and Mrs. Brady,” Each flinched inwardly at the usage of their names. It was no longer an accurate term to use, but the doctor couldn’t have known their complicated circumstances. “Your son is doing wonderful. I can honestly say I’ve never seen such a turnaround. You must have instilled in him a powerful will to survive death,” If nothing else, they had both shown him that. They had both fought back from “death” to be with him and Sami. “We will need to do a little reconstructive surgery on his lung and left leg, but we are going to wait until he’s a little stronger. We’ll repair the collapsed lung first and then after he’s strong enough we’ll fix up that leg. It’s broken in too many places right now to expect it to heal normally. It’s going to need two or three pins. I’ll have the best pulmonologist and orthopedic surgeon up here to see Eric this afternoon. Until then, we’re going to have to keep him on the vent. He’s not quite strong enough to make it without that just yet. But things are definitely looking up. God must have been watching out for your family.”
“Can we go see him?” Marlena pleaded.
“Of course, but not all of you. Just the two of you, his parents.” She shook Marlena’s hand. “Congratulations, I am very excited to offer you different news than I did an hour ago.”
“As are we. Thank you so much,” Marlena could stand no more. She had to see Eric. With Roman’s arms clamped firmly around her waist, she entered the dark room. Her heart beat so quickly she thought it might pound from her chest. Her body trembled beneath Roman’s firm grasp. Her eyes instantly held to his. Golden sparks of love flickering across the distance between them. Tears sprung unbidden, trickling down her cheeks in tiny rivers. No one spoke. Marlena closed her eyes against the tears and stepped from Roman’s grasp to Eric’s side.
Eric’s weak hand reached for his mother’s. She held to it as she had never before, lifting it to her lips. Her tears washing away the faint blood stains lingering there. With her other hand, she ran her fingers down his cheek. He smiled as best as he could with the tubes down his throat. His eyes spoke volumes.
Roman stood behind Marlena, his own tears wetting the faded shirt he wore. He could hardly contain the joy he felt at seeing his son awake. He had dreaded the moment he’d have to bring Marlena in here to say goodbye to him. He had dreaded telling her that Eric had died. He had dreaded telling himself that. And now, miracle of miracles, he didn’t have to tell anyone that Eric hadn’t made it. Eric was awake and working his way back up to complete health again. He caught his son’s eyes and for the fist time in recent memory he saw love and admiration lying in the hazel eyes so like Marlena’s. He had to close his eyes as his emotions threatened to overwhelm him. He had regained Eric’s trust. Whether he deserved it or not, he had regained everyone’s trust again.
He placed a hand on Marlena’s shoulder. Glancing up at him happily, she covered his hand with hers. No words needed to be spoken. They all understood one another perfectly. The accident had brought great physical pain and emotional upheaval to them all, but had brought about the healing of their family unit. Whether married or divorced, Marlena and Roman would always be Eric’s parents and their love for him was unswerving. Looking at them, Eric also knew that their love for one another was unswerving. But sometimes love just wasn’t enough to hold together a broken marriage. Their love had evolved into a deep friendship, one to remain untouched by anything or anyone. They shared two children and a lifetime of memories. For the first time, Roman knew he could be satisfied with the memories.
************
Hours later, Marlena returned to John’s side, exhausted. She had stayed outside the operating room as the doctor performed the risky surgery. Her rattled nerves began to relax at the sight of her love. Eric was now resting comfortably and was out of danger. She could rest now too. She laid down beside John. His eyes instantly flickered open. With his eyes, he questioned her about Eric’s condition. She smiled and nodded.
“He’s resting now. We’re out of the danger zone,” He smiled happily, his own tense muscles relaxing knowing that Eric was okay. It was killing him not being able to see his “son.” But he knew that even if he had been well, he couldn’t have stood the vigil beside Marlena. As Eric’s father, that was Roman’s job. But it didn’t really matter, not now. He suddenly had an urgent need to ask Marlena something. A question which had been echoing in his head for months. He took her hand in his own and looked into her eyes.
“We seem to be out of the woods and this has done nothing but remind me how precious time is. I don’t want to waste another second of it without you. Will you marry me, Doc?” Her mouth dropped in shock. It had been the last question she had been expecting. He interrupted before she could say anything. “I know we have to wait until the divorce is final, but when you’re free I want you to become my wife. I’ve never wanted anything more desperately in all my life. I can’t imagine another second without you. Please, Dr. Marlena Evans Craig Brady, will you do me the great honor of marrying me?” She nodded through the tears, whispering something unintelligible. “What?” He asked.
“It is final,” she whispered more clearly this time. “I am free to marry you at any time. Roman and I are divorced. And I would like nothing more than to become your wife.” John pulled her into an embrace, his hot tears soaking her fair hair.
“I love you, Doc, so very much.” He stroked her hair gently as he whispered.
“I love you too, John. This time it’s going to be forever,” She stated firmly. He nodded his agreement.
“Yeah, this time it’s FOREVER.”
Marlena awoke the following morning, groggily remembering a whispered promise to become John’s wife. Excitement flooded her soul as she began to imagine herself becoming Mrs. John Black. She’d imagined herself in that position more times than she could even count, most notably when Isabella was filling the role she had so desperately wanted. This was the day she’d been waiting for for so long.
She began to try to compose a speech to deliver to her children and Roman. All words abandoned her as she imagined how hurt and confused they would all be. She wanted so badly to be a god mother to the twins and a good friend to Roman. Her news would be less than exciting for them. She could just picture Roman’s face, the face she’d woken up to every morning for the past few years. She could see the heartbreak in his eyes. “You promised your heart to me forever too,” His eyes seemed to say. “I thought you loved me. But you sacrificed our love for an affair. John will learn. Once a cheater, always a cheater,” His eyes mocked her.
Her heart fell as hidden fears once again began to surface, plaguing her mind with unspeakable worry. It was too soon. She had promised her heart too soon, given her hand away when she had barely regained it. What if her fears were correct? What if she was doomed to be an adulteress for life? Would she never be satisfied with the man to whom she was married? Had she become her own worst nightmare? Maybe she didn’t need to fear Stefano raising from the dead, but her own selfish desires.
The many fights she’d had with Roman over the past few years came flooding to her memory. They’d both become someone she had hardly recognized. How could she know for sure that the same thing wouldn’t happen with John once the newness of the relationship wore off? They had barely spent any time together as a married couple during his years as Roman. What if he wasn’t the husband she remembered him to be? What if she wasn’t the wife he remembered? Everything just seemed to sweep her further toward the conclusion that she couldn’t marry John, not now at least. She needed time, time to heal, time to repair herself and reformulate herself into someone she’d be proud to look at in the mirror. It had been so long since she’d not winced at the woman staring back at her.
Besides what would the town think if they got married so quickly. It’d be as good as admitting her affair to the entire town if they married so soon. If they waited, it might not seem so obvious. And her kids, the children weren’t ready to be part of some twisted blended family just yet. Eric and Sami needed time to accept their parents’ divorce before being plunged headlong into a remarriage. Sami was definitely not ready for that yet. She had just begun to accept Marlena and John’s relationship. A move too quickly made might send her miles backward.
Before long, she had convinced herself that she had to get out of this proposal. Her body began to tremble, knowing she’d have to break the news to John. Suddenly, she had a better plan. She would get away, take a few days to really think things through. Maybe getting out of the proposal wasn’t the answer, maybe postponing it was. But before she could go anywhere she had to know that Eric would be okay. She couldn’t leave without knowing he was really going to recuperate adequately. Silently, she lifted herself off of the bed, ignoring the ache in her bones that indicated her body was beginning to heal. John didn’t seem to notice her absence. The medicine that they’d given him during the night for his pain must have been pretty strong stuff.
She looked longingly at him. She loved him so, but love wasn’t always enough. She’d seen that one too many times. She had to take time to become happy with who she was before she could join herself with another person. Otherwise, she’d just be reentering into a mirror relationship of the one she’d just left. She couldn’t pretend to be happy with the world when inside she was miserable. She needed to find herself again. Then maybe, she’d finally have a successful marriage. She couldn’t stand the thought of being thrice divorced. Two ex-husbands were enough. She refused to add John to that list.
She grabbed a piece of paper from a notebook she found in the desk beside the bed. She took it with her, knowing that she’d have to tell John goodbye in a letter. Otherwise, he’d never let her go. She spent the long walk down to Eric’s room trying to devise the best way to tell John of her decision. Anyway she phrased it in her mind, it still stung. He wasn’t going to take it well. She’d have to hide her whereabouts well to avoid him because as soon as he was released nothing would keep him from her. She knew that, but it didn’t dissuade her from what she knew she had to do.
She smiled as she passed the nurses’ desk. She’d been released late the previous night, but had been given special permission to stay in John’s room until he was released. John’s doctor had witnessed the power of her love and did not want to witness a relapse in her absence, or so he had told them. He had handled everything about her release. It was nice to be free to roam the hospital again without having to discuss with a nurse of doctor where she was going.
Eric was sitting up smiling at her when she entered the room. The respirator had been removed but his throat was raw from the tube that had been forced down it. As a result, he was still limited to pen and paper conversations. But his eyes spoke volumes to his mother. He hurriedly scrawled a greeting.
“Hiya, handsome. It’s good to see those eyes smiling back at me. How are you feeling?” She sat down beside the bed and ran a tender hand across his forehead, brushing a stray lock back into place.
Tired. How about you? He wrote. She laughed.
“You’ve just been through surgery and were near death and you’re worried about me?”
Always. And you didn’t answer my question! He smiled at her, knowing he had pinpointed her avoidance tactic.
“I’m okay. I’ve made a decision. I need to know how you honestly feel about it though. Will you promise me to give me your honest opinion?” He nodded and scrawled down a note.
Marry him, Mom. She coughed nervously and swung her eyes in another direction.
“That’s not it, sweetie. I . . .” A knock at the door interrupted her. She swiveled in her door to see Sami and Roman smiling back at her. Sami hobbled over on her crutches, smiling all the way. Roman helped her ease into a chair on the other side of the bed and placed another chair nearby on which to prop her leg. He stood stoically behind his daughter.
“Hiya, Eric, Mom! I finally convinced Daddy that I was well enough to come see you. How are you both?” Sami was bubbling with excitement. It had been days since she’d seen her twin brother. Her entire presence had lifted at just the sight of him.
Good. Glad to see our messed up legs are the opposite. We make a matching pair. Eric scribbled. Sami giggled and lifted her cast up so he could sign it.
“Please, Mr. Brady, place the inaugural signature on my cast. I saved it just for you. Brady’s been pestering me about it for two days. Oh, by the way, he told me to tell you Hi, Mom, and you too, Eric. Carrie and Austin also said hey. They love you both.” Roman glanced over at Marlena and could see the confusion marring her expression. Casually, while Eric and Sami were catching up, he slipped over to her side.
“What’s wrong with you?” He whispered. She shook her head. “Don’t lie to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” Again, she shook her head. She couldn’t hurt him with the truth. “Marlena, if we’re going to make this friend thing work you have to be honest with me. What’s wrong with you?” She speared him with a glance and he gently grabbed her elbow and ushered her out into the hallway. The kids barely noticed their absence.
“Roman, I really don’t want to discuss this with you.” She whispered, trying to keep the tears from her voice.
“Please, Doc, let me help you. You look like you really need a friend,” He tipped her chin up and looked into her hazel eyes. She bit her lip nervously.
“Are you sure you can handle this?” He nodded.
“I can handle anything you’ve got to give, swee . . .” He stopped himself before he finished the endearment. It would do nothing to make her feel more comfortable sharing her problem with him. “Shoot. I’m listening.”
“Okay,” She swallowed and averted her eyes from his probing gaze. “John asked me to marry him last night.” Roman’s chest sank a little, but he tried to make it unnoticeable. She didn’t appear to see as she continued. “I told him yes. But now I’m not so sure. I think I just need more time. Everything just happened so quickly. The divorce, the accident, everything. I think I said yes because I really wanted it to be that easy. But it’s not. I just got out of a really great marriage that I managed to screw up because I refused to admit to myself or to you who I was and what I was feeling. I think I just need time to find myself again. But I don’t know how to tell John that. I think I’m going to go to the airport and book the next flight to anywhere. My doctor released me last night and I think I just need to go. But I need to know that you’re going to take care of the kids for awhile. Roman, I’m sorry to tell you all that. I know it hurts you. But you asked,” She cried, brushing away a wayward tear. He covered her hand with his own.
“That’s okay, Doc. I will always be here for you. I wasn’t before and now I’ve made a promise to myself that I’m always going to be here for you and the kids. I know it’s too late for us, but everybody needs a good friend and I’d like to be yours,” He smiled warmly at her. “This is not a play for your affection. I know it’s over for us. Your future is with John and I accept that. But I totally understand your need for time. If you tell John, he will too,” She shook her head nervously.
“I’m not so sure. Sometimes he’s insecure about my feelings for you. I’m afraid he may think I’m reconsidering marrying him at all. But I’m not. I know I want to marry him, just not now. I just really need to get away from everything and everyone and think about things. I’m terrified to leave Eric though. What if something happens and I’m not here?” She replied.
“Well, how about you call me when you get where you’re going and tell me where you are. I won’t tell John. I doubt he’d be brave enough to ask anyway. That way someone knows where you are in case of an emergency. But I talked to the doctor first thing this morning and she said they’d be releasing Eric into a regular room this afternoon. She thinks he might be able to go into a rehab facility back in Salem by next week,” He smiled at the news of their son’s miraculous recovery.
“are you sure?” She asked uncertainly. “Can you handle everything?” he cockily flashed her pearly whites at her.
“are you kidding me? I was born for this kind of pressure,” He wrapped his arm around her and ushered her back to the room. “But seriously take some time to figure things out. I’ll hold down the fort. Just tell the kids what you’re doing first though. And expect John to find you in a few days. If I know him, he won’t give up until he does.”
“What’s up with the hush hush conversation?” Sami asked as her parents reentered the room whispering. Marlena sat back down in her chair and smiled.
“I’ve got something to tell you or rather to discuss with you two,” Roman took his cue and exited.
“I’ll be out here if you need me,” He told her.
“Mom, are you and John getting married?” Sami questioned.
“Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about. John asked me to marry him. And I said yes, but I am rethinking things now. I think I am not ready to get remarried yet. And I know that you kids are probably not ready for that either. I’m really uncertain right now and I really think I need some time alone to figure things out. So I’m going to take a few days to sort myself out. I promise I’ll be back by the time they transfer you to Salem for rehab, Eric. And I’ll call often to check on you. But only your dad’s going to know where I am. Please don’t try to find out where I am. John’s going to be trying hard enough for everyone. I’m only going to be a phone call and a plane ride away. So if you need me, I’ll be back in a few hours. Does that sound okay to you guys?” Eric smiled and began to write. Sami seemed a little more reserved. It was clear she felt a little abandoned at just the suggestion.
Mom, do what you have to do? Just come home to us. Safe and happy. We’ll be happy with whatever you decide. You are our family. Dad and John are too, however you want them to fit into the equation. Slowly, Sami nodded her agreement. She knew Eric was right. Marlena quickly enveloped her daughter in a teary hug. She placed a tender kiss upon Eric’s brow and squeezed his hand tightly. He was more understanding and thoughtful than she could comprehend. Apparently, he’d absorbed the best qualities from both of his fathers.
“We love you, Mom,” Sami whispered. Eric nodded.
“I love you, too. I’m going to figure this out. I promise. Your dad promised me he’d take good care of you,” She glanced up at the door to see Roman standing there. She kissed both kids again and promised to call from the airport. Minutes later, she slipped into an abandoned hallway to pen her goodbye letter to John.
My dearest John,
I know that you are going to be hurt when you read this. But it’s simply the way it has to be right now. I am gone. I am flying somewhere to figure things out. I promised you I’d marry you and I plan to stick with that promise, but I can’t do it right now. I need to take some time to figure out who I am before I get married for the third time. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I need to figure out what I keep doing wrong before I make another mistake. I love you more than life itself and want to make this marriage to work more than anything. The only way to do that is for me to take some time out and find myself again. Please know that I love you. And please don’t try to find me. If we’re going to get married at all, this is the way it has to be. No one knows where I am. And I plan to keep it that way. I won’t stay long. Please keep an eye on the children, especially Sami. Tell her everyday that I love her and I’ll be back soon. Please try to understand. I love you very much.
Always,
Marlena
************
John reread the words again for the seventh time, hunting for any clue as to where she might be. He couldn’t believe she’d left without saying goodbye. His heart ached with her absence. Didn’t she understand how desperately he needed her? When the nurse had delivered the letter hours before, he’d thought it a joke. But each passing second made her absence more real. Tears flowed down his cheek and he tried to imagine what he’d done wrong. He had to have done something wrong. Maybe he’d just pushed too hard. She did need time to heal. He wished he could go back and change things, but he couldn’t. And he was stuck in this hospital bed for probably three more days. Three days in which she’d just get further away. Angrily, he closed his eyes and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. When he reopened his eyes, he blinked hard as he saw a tall blonde standing in the doorway.
“Hi, John,” The voice shattered his hopes, but gave him a little comfort. His little girl had come to see him.
“Hi, Peanut, get over here and let me see you,” Sami hobbled over and sat down beside him. Gingerly, she took his hand.
“I’m not going to leave you until she gets back. It’ll be okay,” Sami’s tender words shattered his resolve. He began to sob. Miserably, he covered his face with his hands and cried. “She really does love you. She just needs time,” John couldn’t believe his ears. Sami was comforting him. Marlena had instructed him to take care of Sami and here she was taking care of him. What a strange turn of events.
**************
Marlena deboarded the plane, taking with her the carry-on she had brought containing the few pieces of clothing which her mother had scrounged together for her before she left. She sleepily headed out the gate and toward the terminal exit. She hailed a taxi and found one waiting for her in seconds. She instructed the driver to take her to the nearest hotel and nearly fell asleep before they arrived. A kindly older gentleman, the taxi driver, awoke her the minute they arrived and escorted her into the old hotel. Marlena looked around. It was old but well kempt. She paid the driver and thanked him for his kindness.
“Just get yourself some rest, Miss. You look like you need it,” He smiled as he tipped his hat and walked away.
“I do,” She whispered to herself as she approached the desk. The elderly desk clerk booked her an affordable room for the next two nights and gave her detailed instructions on how to locate her room. As she entered the room, she didn’t bother to turn the light on, depositing her bag on the floor by the door. She escaped from her jacket and crawled underneath the covers moments before she slipped into sleep. As she slipped into a fitful sleep, she couldn’t help but wonder what she had done. Was this her greatest mistake yet? Or the beginning of her new life?
I thought of you today. You were the first thought on my mind when I opened my eyes. I missed feeling your arms around me when I woke up, seeing those haunting eyes staring lovingly at me. I wonder how you are doing. I do love you. My leaving had nothing to do with that. I just needed time to think. But I still love you. I haven’t stopped loving you since the day I laid eyes on you in the hospital so many years ago. My life hasn’t been the same since that day. Funny isn’t it, how one single day could totally alter your life forever?
Marlena dropped the pencil on the bed and pulled her knees underneath her chin. This was foolish. She was trying to get some time away from him so she could think clearly and the first thing she did when she awoke was to begin composing a letter to him. She would never ever get time away from him. He was too much a part of her. She wrapped her arms more tightly around herself and began to think, to examine herself. She was so much less than she had hoped she would become.
As a child growing up in Denver, she had wanted to become a prominent psychologist and settle down. She wanted to have a nice family, ONE husband and maybe a few children. Light years later, she was in a hotel in the middle of a giant desert city; alone, trying to escape the one person who had made her feel like she’d accomplished those dreams. He was her one chance to finally settle down and be happy. And yet, she feared that more than anything. John offered security with a side of danger. Love with edgy excitement. She loved him more than anything and yet feared the longing and need she felt for him. He made her feel out of control. And for once in her adult life, she just desperately wanted to feel in control of her own life.
She buried her head in her hands and began to cry. How could things have gotten so out of control? She had gone to Salem years and years before to find freedom and success. Both seemed to have eluded her grasp. She hadn’t been into her office regularly in weeks. She’d made no lasting advances in psychological research and she’d made no life changing effects on people’s lives, or so she felt. And she’d found no more freedom than the songbird her parents had bought for her as a child. She’d always wondered how the bird could stand to be caged. Denver had always made her feel somewhat caged and now after many years she began to realize that Salem did too. She had no control over anything. She wasn’t free to leave. Even here, thousands of miles away, her heart was waiting for her back in a hospital bed with a man she couldn’t bear to live without.
Angry with herself and desperately lonely, she dialed the hotel number her mother had given her. It had been several days now and she needed to hear the voice of someone who loved her. She certainly didn’t love herself right now. The voice answering on the other end nearly floored her. She hung up without saying a word, collapsing in a sobbing heap upon the bed.
********
Chills ran across John’s spine. He couldn’t think clearly and a cold sweat appeared across his brow. Frank eyed him with unspoken curiosity. With panic and desperation in his eyes, he glanced up at Frank, offering up a hurried explanation. “That was her. I know it was.” John hurriedly pressed *69 to call her back. No one answered. He slammed the phone down, angrier with Marlena than he’d ever been.
“How do you know it was her? What did she say?” Frank asked. John shook his head in frustration.
“She didn’t say anything. Not a word. People don’t just call hotel rooms and hang up. That’s not how it works. No one else would have hung up after hearing my voice. It had to be her. It just had to.” In a barely audible whisper, he continued, “Besides, I could feel that connection. She can’t break that no matter how hard she tries,” He steadily paced the length of room, his gait considerably slowed due to his injuries. “She’s being stubborn. I don’t know why she won’t let me see her.” His voice was laced with anger. And yet he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her until her fears subsided. He hadn’t meant to pressure her. When he’d proposed, he hadn’t necessarily meant that they had to leave the hospital that day and get married. He just wanted to know that she would marry him when the time was right. Then out of the blue he awoke to find a note beside the bed and her missing. He clenched and unclenched his fist in futile frustration. He was a former cop; there had to be a way to find her. “Don’t touch that phone.” He instructed anyone in the room. “I want the last number that called to be hers.” He took the phone off the hook and headed to the phone in Sami’s adjoining room.
“Front Desk, how may I assist you?” A young woman’s polite voice answered.
“My name is John Black. Someone just called up to our room. Room 309. When I answered no one was there. Do you remember transferring that call up here?” John asked hopefully.
“Yes, I do, Mr. Black,” She answered.
“Was it a woman?”
“Yes, she asked for Frank and Martha Evans room. I told her the number and transferred her upstairs.”
“This is very important. Did she say anything else? Did you hear any sound in the background?”
“No sir, I didn’t hear anything and she didn’t say anything else.”
“Okay, then, is there a way to track where that call came from? Does your central computer have caller identification? I need to know where that call was coming from.” John desperately pleaded with the young woman to give him the answer he wanted.
“I’m not sure, sir. Please hold and I’ll find my manager,” John waited patiently as the young woman told her manager of the odd request.
“Yes, sir, my name is Randall Bradley, Misty said that you need to know the number of someone who just called your room. Is this correct?” The man sounded very helpful or at least willing to listen.
“Yes, I know this is an odd request and it’s probably against your policy to do so. But my fiancée is missing and I need to locate her. I believe she is the one who just called. I need to find the number from where she called. Can you help me? I will pay you anything you ask. I just need to find that number, ” John was so desperate he’d offer the man any amount of money.
“Sir, money isn’t necessary. Hold on and I’ll see if we have it registered in the computer. This is a fairly new system so its accuracy is not ideal. But it might give you some idea. Do you know what exact time the call came through?” John glanced at his watch. It had to have been ten minutes ago, but he wasn’t sure. He’d just have to guess.
“About ten minutes ago. So about 9:45 am. Thank you so much for even listening to me.”
“No problem, sir, please hold while I do some checking.” About ten minutes later, the man returned to the line. “well, sir, it seems about three calls came in at that time. I have numbers for all three. We are not sure which call was transferred to your room. This is not really normal policy, but in this circumstance, I’ll make an exception. Do you have a pen?” John grabbed a pen from the bedside table and hurriedly scrawled the numbers the man gave him.
“Thank you so much. I can’t begin to express my appreciation,” John wanted to cry. This was a great advance.
“Just find her and that’ll be thanks enough. Good Luck sir.” He hung up and John began dialing the first number. A woman answered. She had no idea who Marlena Evans was and seemed quite angry that John would be interrupting her at all. She furiously slammed the phone down after telling him for the third time she’d not called his number. He tried the second number. This time a man answered. He was much more polite but said he’d been calling his wife who was staying at that hotel while she was at a conference. He wished John the best of luck and hung up.
“This must be it,” John whispered to himself. Wondering what he would say if she did answer. Hopefully, he’d just get the front desk and could inquire if Marlena was staying there. He nervously dialed the number and waited.
“San Carlos Hotel, how may I help you?” An older lady answered. He decided not to tell the woman his plight, if she was really there Marlena may have requested her not to allow his calls through. First he needed to find out exactly where the hotel was located. He’d be flying there in a few hours and a destination would be nice.
“Yes, I was planning on meeting my wife out there for a little vacation, but she didn’t tell me the exact location of the hotel and I’ve no idea how to find her. She’s terrible with directions so I wondered if you could help me.” It wasn’t entirely a lie.
“Yes, sir, we’re located just ten minutes from Sky Harbor Airport. Are you familiar with the area?”
“Yes, actually that’ll do me fine. If you give me your exact address, I’ll be ready to go in no time.”
“It’s 202 North Central Avenue, Phoenix. Is that all you need sir or can I help you further?” The old lady was very ready to assist him in any way possible.
“Actually, can you transfer me up to my wife’s room? Her name is Marlena Evans Brady.”
“Yes, sir, she checked in a few days ago, right? When will you be joining her?”
“Soon, but I want to surprise her so please don’t tell her. I should be in late tonight. Thank you for your help,” John’s heart was racing. She was pretty far away but not unreachable. He was fairly certain he could be there in about three hours or less. It had been easier to find her than he’d thought it’d be. But he’d have to move quick. If he knew Marlena, she’d be relocating to avoid him in a matter of hours. He’d have to beat her to the punch.
“Nothing to it, sir. Please hold and I’ll transfer you,” John stayed on the line while the phone rang about fifteen times. It finally kicked back to the front desk. “I’m sorry sir, she must be out. Would you like to leave a message for her?”
“NO!” John answered a little to fervently. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shout. I just really want to surprise her. I’ll try back later. Thanks again. Bye,” John hung up and called the Salem airport. He instructed a pilot to send a plane to this airport as soon as possible. The pilot said he’d be there in less than an hour. John told Frank and Martha of his plans and asked them to watch Brady. They readily agreed as long as he brought Marlena home safe and sound. He only wished he could convince himself he’d be able to keep that promise.
*******
Marlena awoke hours later, exhausted from having cried herself to sleep. She couldn’t believe John had answered the phone. The first time she’d called home in days and he’d answered the phone. He’d known it was her. She knew it. She’d felt the connection with him even if it only lasted for seconds. She knew he must have felt it too. She only felt more confused. Part of her had felt relief at having just heard his voice and another part of her desperately wanted to pack all of her bags and relocate before he found her.
She looked up at her mirror image across the room. Her hair was a disheveled mess. Her eyes had suitcases underneath them. She hadn’t showered or changed clothes in well over 36 hours. She was a mess. She was falling apart at the seams.
“You’re running,” She angrily told the woman in the mirror. “You’re running because you can’t stand to need him and to be out of control. He needs you just as much as you need him, you know,” Disgusted with the woman staring back at her, she climbed off the bed and shed her filthy clothes. She stumbled to the bathroom and turned on the shower. She stepped inside and allowed the scalding water to pour down her body, her own hot tears mixing with the water rolling down her upturned face. She scrubbed herself until she began to feel clean.
Her entire being still felt dirty. She’d sullied herself by giving in to passion with John. That’s what she feared more than anything, that’d she’d cheat again. She’d always heard the saying “once a cheat, always a cheat.” Did that saying apply to her? She couldn’t bear to hurt John the way she’d hurt Roman. It’d had hurt enough to see the betrayal and disgust in Roman’s eyes, she knew she couldn’t stand to see it in John’s. She realized she was beginning to get to the heart of the problem. Her conscience wouldn’t allow her to forget that dreadful mistake. It seemed to be screaming at her that if she married John she’d be perpetuating the affair and hurting Roman over and over again. Rationally, she knew that such line of thinking was foolish, but thoughts weren’t always rational and neither were fears.
Unable to banish the thoughts, she finally exited the shower, wrapping the towel around her head and tying the hotel robe firmly about her waist. She called down to the front desk to ask for towels. The older woman sounded odd as she promised she’d send a man right up with more. A few seconds later, Marlena heard a knock at the door. She secured the robe more tightly about herself and then opened it just enough to get the towels.
“Marlena,” She couldn’t believe her eyes. John stood there, behind the door, holding her towels in his hands. His face wore a mixture of excitement and anger. He put out his foot to stop the door before she could close it. She stepped back and opened it enough for him to enter. She wasn’t even quite sure what she was doing. But his presence seemed to salve her fears and erase her confusion for a moment. He dropped the towels in a chair beside the door and closed the door behind him. Without moving his gaze, he took her hand in his, not saying a word. A tear began to roll down her cheek. With his other hand, he gently brushed it away, letting his hand rest against her soft cheek.
He stepped closer to her and when she didn’t bristle at the movement, he erased the distance between them. She could feel his breath against her cheek. She couldn’t move. He placed her palm against his chest. She could feel his racing heartbeat and knew hers was racing too. When he finally pulled her into a tender embrace, her entire body seemed to audibly issue a sigh of relief. She felt herself melt into him, tears pouring down her cheeks without abandon. His hands slid up to the nape of her neck her towel tumbling down to the floor as her hair cascaded over his hands. Their lips met in a desperate union of two lost souls. Each seemed despondent for the contact with the other, unwilling to break the kiss at any cost.
When finally Marlena pulled away, John refused to let her turn away from him. She wasn’t going to avoid his gaze or escape this time. She was not going to run from her feelings. She needed him just as desperately as he needed her and that was as God had intended it. They were meant for one another and she needed to face the inevitable, no amount of miles could ever separate them. Their connection went beyond mere presence into something almost spiritual.
“I love you, Marlena. You love me, too,” She held tightly to her hand. Her entire body was trembling. She said nothing as she let her head fall against his strong chest. He held her close as he whispered softly in her ear. “I know you’re scared. You’ve had a lot of heartache happen to you in short period of time. I know you’re scared that something else might happen. But I’m not gonna let anything happen or let anything come in between us. We don’t have to get married today or tomorrow or even two years from now. We’ll take all the time you need. I can’t understand everything you’re going through, but, Doc,” He spoke through clenched teeth, fiercely spitting the words. “Just don’t run away from me. We can get through anything together. But we have to do it together.” He took her chin in his hands and forced her to look into his eyes. “together, Doc, you got that?” She nodded meekly. “Okay,” He took a deep breath. “Now let’s sit down and talk.”
John led Marlena to two chairs directly across from one another at a small circular table. She still couldn’t say anything. Chewing nervously on her lower lip, she veered her gaze across the room. Her eyes were clouded with uncertainty. John’s heart broke at her inability to share her deepest pain and fears with him. Then he remembered something about the demise of her relationship with Don.
“Doc, when you and Don divorced, most of the problems happened because you wouldn’t share your problems with him. Right?” She didn’t answer. “Talk to me,” She shot him an angry glare. He was using her past against her. Even if it was true, she just didn’t want to unload on him right now. “Please, Doc, tell me how you’re feeling,” He reached across the table and took her hand. She took a deep breath, still carefully avoiding his probing gaze.
“John, I just can’t,” She dropped his hand and ran into the bathroom. He followed steadily, only to have the door slammed in his face and hear the soft click of the door behind her.
“DOC, OPEN THE DOOR,” He pounded angrily on it. “DON’T SHUT ME OUT. OPEN THE DOOR,” His voice echoed in across the hollow hotel room walls.
On the other side of the door, Marlena leaned against the door and slowly slid to the floor, collapsing in a broken heap on the cold tile. She held her hands firmly over her ears, trying to shut out the sound of his voice. Why couldn’t she let him in? Why couldn’t she allow him to help her heal her pain? She wasn’t sure, but wrapped herself in her anguish anyway. With her arms wrapped firmly around her knees, she softly pleaded with the man on the other side of the door.
“Please, John, just let me be,” Tears creeping down his own cheeks, John leaned against the other side of the door and slid to the floor, wishing that her request were only as simple.
The room finally fell quiet, each alone in their silent anguish on opposite sides of the door. Marlena sat adding bricks to the wall she refused to demolish or to allow John to climb. John sat alone, desperately trying to figure a way to bring down the wall that was destroying his family. Each wore a strong aura of determination. The struggle of whose determination was stronger might destroy them both. Without warning John began to sob, he couldn’t keep the tears at bay any longer. His entire being ached for her and what was being lost between them. Nothing he could do could stem the pain. Marlena’s body shook with each sob, until she could stand no more. She stood and opened the door, just a crack. John jumped at the sound, his eyes flying to meet hers. She reached her trembling hand down to him. Eyes locked, John reached up to her. With hands linked together, Marlena softly whispered.
“Please don’t cry,” The synergy between them was felt by them both. The wall was still present, but he had chiseled away a small portion. It might be enough. It just might be enough to erase the past and unite them forever.
She dropped to her knees beside him and allowed him to cradle her hand against his cheek. For many wordless moments, they sat staring at one another. Her eyes seemed so hollow to John, unlike he’d seen them in many years. He couldn’t understand what had brought about the change in her. If she were honest with herself, she would admit that she too had little idea what had brought about the sudden need for distance between them. The pain he saw in her eyes was the pain of a lifetime of disappointments and heartaches. He had caused a few of those heartaches himself and that, he regretted. But she had left her mark on him as well, unwittingly ripping his heart to pieces more than once.
“I’m sorry,” She whispered, her voice falling flat to the floor as she dropped her eyes from his probing gaze. “I shouldn’t have slammed the door in your face,” He chuckled. Her infamous temper had brought about more than one slammed door during their years together.
“That’s okay,” He squeezed her hand gently and tilted her head back up. “We don’t have to talk now if you’re not ready. But we have to talk. Okay?” She nodded weakly. She had slept much of the day away but she was still exhausted and he was beginning to feel the effects of jet lag. “Why don’t we get some rest?” She glanced warily at the bed across the room. One bed. They’d have to share. She didn’t trust herself to sleep in the same bed with him and not give in to the passion and yet she desperately yearned to just sleep in the comfort of his embrace. He didn’t miss her glance. “I won’t sleep in the bed if you don’t want me to. And even if I do, I promise I won’t try anything. Sex won’t solve the problems between us,” She smiled at his ever-present ability to read her thoughts. She nodded her agreement and followed him to the bed. He eased back the covers and climbed into the left side of the bed. She silently slipped in beside him. She curled herself into a fetal position, facing away from John. John took off his shirt and tossed it to the floor beside the bed. Determined not to pressure her, he rolled over and punched the pillow flat. His taut muscles did not relax as he lay beside her. Many sleepless minutes later, John heard her soft voice beside him. He rolled over to find her pain-filled eyes pleading with him.
“Please hold me, John,” Without hesitation, he pulled her into his arms. She gasped as she felt his warm bare chest against her back. Her body lay tense for many moments, until he began to smooth her blonde hair away from her face. He placed a tender kiss upon her golden tresses as he felt her body relax in his embrace. He inhaled deeply, treasuring the scent of her freshly washed hair. He listened to the precious sound of her breathing until it settled into the soft steady pattern of sleep. He smiled at his ability to help her sleep, even during rough times. He wished the reverse were true. With her resting in his arms, he knew he’d find little sleep so he began to devise a plan to reopen the lines of communication between them. He wasn’t sure how she’d lost her confidence in him. But he knew one thing: he’d win her trust back if it killed him.
*********
The sun peaked in through a crack in the blinds, forcing John awake after what seemed like mere minutes of restless sleep. In his arms, Marlena still lay sleeping, her lips curled into a contented smile. He resisted the urge to kiss her awake. His growling stomach disrupted the silent peace of the room. After easing her out of his arms, he stepped to the telephone and ordered some breakfast. He hadn’t eaten in more hours than he could count and he was beginning to feel it. To his dismay, room service was currently unavailable so he’d have to go get the food himself. He hastily threw on the shirt he’d shed during the night and grabbed Marlena’s room key from the dresser. As quietly as possible, he slipped out the door, closing it softly behind him.
Marlena’s eyes slowly opened as the sun danced across her eyes. Without explanation, she began to feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness. She rolled over to find John gone. She visually scanned the room. Nothing even indicated that John had ever been there. She jumped out of bed to check the bathroom, only to find it empty as well. She dropped to the floor and began to cry, wishing to God she could jump off of the emotional roller coaster she’d unwittingly boarded. She hadn’t wanted him to find her at all and now, in his absence, she felt abandoned. Had she dreamt his arrival? Or had he just given up on her too? Wrapping her arms securely around herself, she attempted to regain the warmth and feeling of love she’d experienced while lying in his arms during the night. But was met with only a chilling hollowness.
Balancing the tray carefully, John unlocked the door with his free hand. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Marlena sat by the bathroom door, tears rolling down her cheeks, looking for all the world as if she had just lost her best friend. He quickly sat the tray on the table by the door and closed the distance between them.
“I thought you’d left me,” She quivered as he took her in his arms. After holding her close for several silent minutes, he held her at arms length and looked deep into her hazel eyes. He grasped her cheeks in his hands and spoke firmly to her.
“Never, you got that,” She nodded sadly as more tears fell down her porcelain cheeks. “I just went to get some breakfast, Doc. I was starved and thought you could use some food too. Have you eaten at all in the past few days?” She nodded blankly, as if desperately trying to remember when the last time she ate actually was. “Somehow I’m not convinced. Here let me help me you up. Let’s go eat and then later, we can talk,” He offered his arm and escorted her to the table. He pulled out the chair for her and she slowly sat down, amazed at his gentlemanly presence even in the roughest of circumstances. With a flourish, he opened the silver platter to reveal two large plates of strawberry pancakes and a carafe of orange juice. She couldn’t help but smile.
“Strawberries, my favorite,” She chuckled.
“I know that,” He replied as he gently squeezed her shoulders. “Eat up. You need it. You look like a ghost.”
“Thank you. I am sure that was meant as a compliment,” She wore a mock hurt expression as she began to slice her pancakes.
“I meant it in the nicest possible way. You’re still the most beautiful ghost on the face of the Earth,” He smiled. They ate their breakfast silently. Marlena enjoyed every bite of the pancakes, her eyes barely leaving John’s for the duration of breakfast. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. She savored the last bite on her plate for many long minutes, knowing that as soon as she finished the inevitable discussion would come. When she realized she could no longer prolong the discussion, she pushed her plate away and slightly nodded her head.
“I’m ready to talk. But I should warn you, I am very emotional. I don’t know why really. I just am,” Tears were already welling up in her eyes as she spoke.
“I understand that. And I actually have a hypothesis about that,” He collected the plates and moved them over to the dresser. After returning, he spoke. “You had a baby right?” She winced slightly at the reminder of the child she’d lost without ever holding. “Women who have babies usually go through lots of hormone changes and emotional problems. Maybe that’s what’s going on.” She nodded, not having even considered that as a possibility.
“Postpartum depression,” She supplied the term. “That’s possible. But knowing what’s causing my ‘emotional problems’ as you called it doesn’t take them away. And making major life decisions such as marriage during this time would be a terrible mistake.” She turned away, angry that he thought that giving a definition to her feelings might somehow solve them. “I still just need some time. I don’t know what you hoped to solve by coming here, but I am just not ready to commit to marriage. If that’s all you came for, you can leave.” Her voice was somewhat jaded.
‘I can’t believe you can even wonder why I would want to find you. I love you. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I went to sleep one night with you beside me and with promises of you going to be my bride. The next morning I wake up and you’re gone and no one even knows where you are. Your son was in intensive care and I was still hospitalized and you? You were gone. How could you leave without telling me. If you would have told me, I would have understood. I would have let you go. How was I supposed to just go on not even knowing where the woman I love was? What were you going to do if something happened to Eric? Did you think about any of that?” Her anger brought his boiling to the surface very quickly. He began to pace the room angrily, refusing to meet her gaze.
“I thought about that. Of course, I thought about that. Roman knew where I was,” She said it before she could stop herself. He turned to face her. The room fell silent, even their breathing seemed to stop. Her eyes met his and she could feel his pain. The hurt in his eyes immediately signaled her mistake.
“Roman? Roman knew where you were. But you couldn’t tell me.” He grabbed his coat from the chair. He needed to put some distance between them. “I don’t understand you, Doc. How could you tell him, but not tell me?” His eyes were brimming with tears. “You said you loved me, Doc?”
“John, I do love you. I told him because I knew you would never think to ask him where I was. If I had told my mom or dad, you would have found out in minutes. I wanted to get away for awhile without any of the complications that seeing you brings. Someone had to know where I was in case of emergency.” She placed her hand on his shoulder, pleading for his understanding.
“That someone should have been me. I am your fiancé. Not him.” His insecurity about Roman ran deep and her decision to tell Roman cut deep. “Why couldn’t you trust me? Why couldn’t you trust that I would give you time?”
“Because I know you. You’re here now, aren’t you? You found out where I was and in hours was here,” She spat back.
“I had to see for myself that you were okay. And it’s obvious that you’re not,” He took a deep breath and tried to put away his own anger and pain to see hers. He put his coat back on the chair and turned to face her again. “I am honestly very angry and hurt right now. But I am most concerned about you and why you felt you had to get away. Please talk to me. I refuse to give up our future without a fight. I did that once before and it didn’t work. It only caused more pain for everyone. So please, for once stop hiding your feelings and talk to me. Your feelings are important to me and no matter how they make me feel, I am still going to love you. That’s not going to change.”
“There’s nothing to say. I don’t feel anything. I just needed time to think,” She lied.
“Stop lying. You’re lying to me and to yourself. I know you better than that. Please, Doc, talk to me,” He took her hand in his and peered deep into her eyes. “I love you and I want to help you. Please let me. I can’t understand why this happened. I can’t understand how much the accident could have changed your mind. You had decided to marry me. You were as excited as I was and now you can’t get away from me quick enough. Talk to me. Tell me what changed your mind about me about us,” He was confused and his confusion showed.
“Just leave me be, John,” He angrily thrust her hand away from him and stormed across the room.
“I am not going to leave you alone. I am not going to leave Phoenix. I am not going to walk away from you. And I am not even going to leave this room until you tell me what is wrong with you.”
Marlena angrily flounced on the bed, her blonde hair slapping a stinging strand across her face. Her eyes shot hazel sparks of fire. Her lips curved into a furious scowl. With her eyes, she dared John to speak to her again. Never one to back down from a confrontation, John stepped up to bat, squaring his shoulders and pasting on his most loving smile. Staring down at her, he found it difficult to suppress the urge to kiss her. He had always found her most attractive when she was angry. This was no exception. Her face aglow with anger, she continued to spear him with her gaze. She was no one to be forced into doing anything. Unable to resist the urge any longer, he leaned over and placed a tender kiss on her lips. With fierce intensity, she returned his kiss, wanting to punish him with the pressure of her lips. Just when he seemed ready to abandon all ideas of talking, he pulled back.
“I love it when you’re angry,” he whispered throatily. She seethed, angry at both herself and him. She hated herself for caving in to him and him for always pushing her to that point. “Nice try, by the way, I almost fell for that.” She turned away again. He watched silently as she visibly tried to pull herself back under control. “Now, just tell me why you’re so angry,” He whispered as he walked around the bed to observe her reaction.
Realizing the futility of avoiding him, she surrendered. She could not avoid him, could not ignore him, and sure as heck couldn’t resist him. She might as well begin to share some of herself with him. Part of her wondered if he could handle all the pent-up emotions she’d been storing. But she no longer cared. She’d been carrying them for far too long trying to protect others. Now either he could help her carry her burden or he could push her away. At this point she no longer even cared. She just wanted to get everything off her chest. The guilt, the sorrow, the grief, the anger, the betrayal. It was all wearing her to the bone. She just wanted to get rid of it.
“I’m angry because I lost two children, one of whom I barely knew, the other of whom I did not even get to see. I’m angry because I missed out on so many years of my children’s lives. I’m angry because I failed at marriage more times than I even care to count.” She began passionately, barely touching the surface of her reasons for anger. “I’m angry at Roman for not accepting me as I am, for expecting me to change, for expecting me to pretend that my years with you never even happened. And then for treating me like a prostitute when I was unable to forget those years and move on as his happy little wife. I’m angry at Stefano for fooling me into believing you were someone you weren’t. I’m angry at Isabella because she got to share a pregnancy with you and share the birth of your child with you. She got to hold your child and see the child that your love created and I didn’t even get to look at my child. I’m angry at myself for giving you up without a fight. And I’m angry at you because you got to see our baby. You got to hold her and kiss her and sing to her. You got to tell her goodbye and I never even got to say hello . . .” Her last few words faded into a whimper as she let the tears begin to fall.
John slowly walked to her side, his shoulders having sagged a little. He had no idea that her burden was so heavy. He felt foolish and blind for not having sent he extent of her pain. She might be experiencing post-partum depression, but she might have had fewer emotional scars and less fallout had she been in the Gulf War. Her expression was that of a war-weary soldier, desperately wishing out of the frontlines, however possible. Even death would be better than the constant emotional onslaught she’d been facing.
“I’m sorry,” He whispered. “I’m sorry that you didn’t get to hold her. I tried to save a part of her for you,” He felt failure too. He’d done his best to preserve a piece of their daughter for her and yet it wasn’t enough.
“I know that John, but I still wish I could have seen her. I wish I could touched her face and kissed her tiny little fingers. I wish I could have held her in my arms and told her how much her daddy and I loved her,” Her voice began to harden as she stared out across the room. “But I didn’t love her from the minute I knew about her. Not like Sami and Eric and DJ. I hated her at first. I thought about abortion. I even thought about suicide. I thought you and I had kept a clandestine relationship hidden from the world and then moved on with our separate lives. As much as the thought of life without you hurt me, I thought I could do it, for Roman, for my children. And then suddenly I was pregnant. And I knew, I knew deep in my heart that she wasn’t Roman’s. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew it was your baby. As much as I denied it to you and to myself, deep in my heart, I knew the truth. And I despised the baby for my mistakes. You loved the baby from the minute you knew I was pregnant. You knew she was yours too. You wanted it so badly. I could see it in your eyes. You loved Angel from day one. I think that’s why you got to hold her and I didn’t. God was punishing me for not loving her like you did. I did love her after I realized that nothing was worth losing my child. No relationship, nothing. But then I lost her anyway and I didn’t even get to hold her. I feel so guilty. I feel like I killed her and it’s eating me up inside,” She could speak no more. Things began to become a little clearer for John. She was pushing him away because of her guilt. She thought he blamed her too, he could see it in her eyes.
“You think I blame you, don’t you?” He asked, sitting down on the floor beside the bed.
“Why shouldn’t you? You came to me time and again, offering your soul and your heart and I pushed you away, always convinced another man better filled your shoes. But he didn’t and I couldn’t keep you at a distance forever. I’d allow myself some passion and then push you away again. And then I hated our baby and it died. Angel had to feel my anger. Just like she had to feel your love,” Tears rolled freely down Marlena’s cheeks. Her heart felt as if it were breaking. She’d never bared her soul so openly before. It frightened her. John couldn’t stand any more. He pulled her into his arms, weeping tears of agony with her. Their bodies shook as one as their souls emptied themselves of unshed tears. Softly, he spoke to her of his undying love. Once again, Marlena pulled away, prisoner to the guilt inside her soul. She’d heard his whispered promises of love.
“How can you love me? I’ve done nothing but hurt you. I chose Roman over you more times than I can count. I killed our baby. I have nothing left to give you,” She spat.
“That’s what love is. You come together with everything you do or don’t have. You lay it all on the line and decide to love. It’s not always an emotion that comes easy. Sometimes you simply have to decide to love, in spite of all the hurts, in spite of all the pains. You decide to love. I decided to love you in spite of your feelings for Roman many years ago. I won’t say that decision hasn’t hurt me, but I’ve never regretted it. Not even when you went back to him, instead of me. And Angel’s death had nothing to do with you. You decided to love Angel too. In spite of all the possible disaster she might bring, you had decided to love her. She had to feel that too. God didn’t punish you by keeping her from you. It just happened. I don’t like it and it sure as heck ain’t fair. But that’s life. She was taken too soon, but it wasn’t your fault. Marlena, the problem is, you blame yourself for problems that you did not cause. It isn’t that you don’t rightfully bear some guilt. It’s that you inexcusably bear ALL guilt. You bear the guilt that others refuse to bear. We all have regrets. We all have guilt. But we learn to accept our imperfections and move on. Mistakes can’t been erased, only learned from. But you, you are a perfectionist, who can not accept her imperfections and wears her guilt like a thick layer of Wite-Out, pretending that everything is fine on the surface, but hiding layers of guilt and pain beneath. You aren’t perfect, Doc. No one is. Accept the guilt and the imperfections and move on. I want to help you do that. We’ll put the past behind us and learn from our mistakes. That doesn’t mean erasing them or ignoring them, but learning how to do it better the next go-round,” She tenderly reached out a hand to him, her fingers trembling as she neared closer to him.
“John, can you hold me?” Without any hesitation, he gathered her into his arms. Again, they shed countless tears in silence. His closeness and understanding began to heal her pain. “You aren’t angry at me for my feelings, for being angry at you?”
“No, I couldn’t be angry at you for that. I am just grateful that you are being honest with me. I don’t want you to hide anything from me, even if you think it will hurt me. I don’t want any boundaries between us.” She nodded blankly. She had a million more emotions she wished she could share with him, but wasn’t sure how to even vocalize her thoughts. “Doc, I am sorry you are scared and more than anything I want to help you work through that fear. I am also sorry you felt like you couldn’t come to me with those fears. I want to be the only one you run to and I am going to do everything in my power to make that happen. I saw what happened to you and Roman because you couldn’t share your feelings with him and I won’t let that happen to us if I can help it.” He ran a soothing hand across her back, trying his best to put her mind at ease. The tension in her shoulders slowly began to evaporate as she relaxed in his embrace. Unlike Roman, he was not going to crucify her or make her feel guilt for her feelings. He wouldn’t rather hide their problems than discuss them. It felt nice to know that he cared enough to refuse to allow her to carry her burdens alone. His tender embrace and spiritual calm allayed her fears and she began to feel free to share more with him. He sensed her need to speak and held her at arms length again, his eyes gently urging her to share her thoughts with him.
“I’m really most scared that if we get married that I’ll end up messing it up too and I’ll lose the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It seems I am cursed. I have been married twice and I used to blame the men for the marriage failure but I am beginning to wonder if it isn’t me. Maybe I am doing something wrong. I am just terrified of losing you. If I walk away now or postpone our wedding, I feel like maybe I can save us. Things don’t seem to go wrong until after the wedding and I feel like maybe things would turn out badly if we waited,” John understood her logic. But desperately disagreed with her.
“So you figured you’d detach first before something happened and hurt you. No attachments no pain, right?”HE spoke passionately as he stood. He needed to walk around the room. His emotions were too deep, too passionate to allow him to sit at the moment. “That’s no way to live, Marlena. If you have no attachments, you have no love, no passion. I don’t know about you, but I am not willing to give up the passion in our lives for a little safety and comfort. You are scared that you are the one making the mistakes that ruin your marriages. Well, that’s partially true. You didn’t open up to Roman with all of your true feelings like you are opening up to me. That is itself is a step in the right direction. We gotta be open and honest with one another. Despite how it makes the other feel. You didn’t ruin your marriages by yourself though. Don helped when he cheated on you. And Roman never let you be yourself. And I had a little hand in that divorce myself. Life ruined your marriages. But we aren’t going to let that happen to us. We have what it takes, Doc. We have already fought through so much to be together. We aren’t going to let this keep us down. I love you, Marlena Evans. Love means taking risks. It means trusting someone with you heart, even if it might get broken,” He got down on one knee before her, his eyes pleading with her to provide the response he desired. “I trust you. Do you trust me?” He held out his hand to her, a small velvet box cradled in his palm. “You’ve already agreed to marry me. But things have made you doubt your decision. I am not going to ask you again to marry me. I am only going to ask you if you trust me. If you trust me, you’ll wear my ring and become my bride. If you don’t, I keep trying until I can win your trust. Because I know any trouble I’d go through would be worth it.”
Her eyes searched his, while she searched her own heart. She wanted to say no, to tell him that nothing was worth the eventual heartbreak that they’d suffer. But something in his eyes made her question herself. Maybe he was right. Maybe they could make things work. They’d both had a lot of practice. Surely, they’d be able to make this work. And there was more. He loved her so much. He knew her faults, her fears, her insecurities and he didn’t care. They didn’t make him love her less, only more. It always seemed that the more weakness her saw in her, the more he loved her and worked to protect her. But he also he admired her strengths and gloried in her successes. His love knew no bounds. Whether she was great, or whether she was small, he still loved her. He was proud of her no matter what.
John didn’t move throughout her silent evaluation. He didn’t take it personally. He knew she was really evaluating him, but herself and the men to whom she had been married before. She was weighing out the differences in her current relationship that might give it staying power. She needed to know beyond all doubts that this relationship was going to last. He couldn’t’ offer her that. He could only offer his love and trust. He trusted in their love enough to risk everything for it. The real question now was: did she?
She couldn’t take her eyes from his. His eyes contained such peace, such assurance. He truly believed with all his heart that they were going to make it. He contained no doubt at all. He wasn’t offended by her doubts. It only caused his own convictions to grow stronger. She could feel the love in his eyes, could feel it radiating throughout her entire being. And suddenly her mind contained no more questions, no more fears. It wasn’t going to be easy, marriage never was, but they’d make it. She reached out her hand and took the box from him. She gasped as she opened the box. The ring was beautiful. It was nothing elaborate, just sheer, simple beauty. She removed it from the box and handed it to him.
“I trust you. I trust in our love,” She whispered. “Please put the ring on my finger,” John could barely contain himself. His fingers shook as he slid the ring onto her finger. Both sat silently staring into one another’s eyes, unwilling to break the moment with a spoken word. And yet, every feeling that they’d ever felt for one another, every emotion, was conveyed in their eyes. They didn’t need words. They never had. Their love surpassed verbal communication. Their hearts were connected. And finally the communication lines had been completely reopened. No boundaries, no misunderstandings.
“I know that this is frightening for you. But it is for me too,” John whispered. “I have been hurt too and our love hasn’t always brought me happiness. But I trust in our love and I trust in you. And as long as we keep talking we’ll make it.” Marlena nodded. His words couldn’t completely eradicate her fears, but that was where the trust came in to play. She had to have faith in him and in their love. For better or worse, they’d said those words once and now they’d say them again. This time with many years and painful experiences behind them. And this time they’d mean them as neither of them had ever before. They were in for good this time. For better or worse.
“John, let’s do it,” John smiled seductively at her. “No, that’s not what I meant.” She playfully slapped him. “I meant let’s get married. Let’s just do it. We don’t need a fancy ceremony. And if we don’t do it right now. We might never have the chance or the courage to do it again. Or at least I might not have the courage. Let’s get married now, Before I get scared again,” Her eyes were alive as he hadn’t seen them in so long. He took her hand and nodded slowly.
“I’ll do whatever you want, Doc. You should know that by now,” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her as passionately as he could. She was making his dreams come true. He only hoped that the feeling was reciprocal. She ran her fingers through his hair and slowly pulled away. She rested her forehead against his and ran a slender finger across his lips.
“I love you, John. I’m sorry I doubted you.” He shook his head.
“I knew you’d come around,” He took her hand and stood. “You, my dear, go take a shower and get ready. I’ll go buy you a dress and find us a church. We’ll get married before sunset tonight. I promise,” She pulled him back for another kiss and then headed to the bathroom. He fought the temptation to join her. Nothing would please him more. Nothing except making her his wife. With that thought firmly in place, he ran out and began his mission.
*************
Eric lay in the bed, missing his mom more than he could explain. It seemed like it had been months since he’d seen her, instead of the days that it had really been. He loved his dad and they’d even come to a new understanding during the past few days, but their connection couldn’t even compare to his connection with his mother. She was his best friend and he was lonely for her. Sami missed her too. They’d both tried to convince their dad to divulge her hotel number, but he’d stubbornly refused. She needed her space and they were going to give it to her, even if John didn’t.
He had tried to walk that morning, but just standing had exhausted him. He was beginning to lose hope. The doctors said the surgeries had been a success and he should be able to walk again soon. But Eric was disheartened. He bore his father’s impatience and he was quickly growing tired of the boring cream colored walls closing in around him. He had watched every imaginable tv program during the past few days, but the only thing on right now was old MASH reruns and he just didn’t care to watch Jamie Farr in a dress any longer. In frustration, he threw the remote over the bed rail. It hung by the cord to which it was attached. He sighed in aggravation.
The ring of the phone interrupted the silence and Eric’s heart leapt. Since he’d been confined to this bed, he had begun to live for the phone calls he received from the outside world. He answered in a soft whisper, his throat still not fully recovered from the tube that had been providing him with life only days ago. His eyes shone as he heard the voice on the other end. Roman, who had just walked in the door, didn’t have to ask who his son was talking to. Only one person could bring that smile to his son’s face.
“Oh, Eric, darling, I’ve missed you terribly. How are you?” Marlena asked, as she towel dried her blonde hair.
“Bored out of my mind, but okay. I’ve missed you too. When are you coming back?”
“I’m not sure, but I have some news for you and your sister,” Eric could guess what that news was. Sami said John had left last night to find her. Eric knew John had found her and hopefully they’d patched things up sufficiently.
“You and Dad are married, right?” Eric smiled as he made his guess.
“Not yet, sweetie. We’re going to get married this afternoon. Something small and here in Phoenix where I am.”
“Phoenix?? How the heck did you end up in Phoenix?” Eric laughed. “It’s probably 150 degrees out there this time of year.”
“Yes, but it’s a dry heat,” She laughed. “Sort of like being baked in the oven. Anyway, it was the first flight out of the airport the other night.”
“And Dad, of course, found you.”
“There wasn’t much doubt of that was there?” Eric laughed at his mother’s dry statement. They had all known the minute that she left that John would begin his quest to find her.
“No, I guess not. So you’re getting married, huh?” Roman’s heart sank and he exited the room as silently as he had entered it. He preferred not to hear the details of Marlena’s marriage. He knew it was inevitable, but it still stung a little. “Will you renew your vows in Salem later. You know a big ceremony with all the family and everything?”
“I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about that. I really just want to be married. How doesn’t really matter. John and I already had one big Salem wedding. We really don’t need another. Besides that would be rather cruel to your father, flaunting mine and John’s marriage in his face. I think a small wedding with just the two of us is just what we need this time. I just wanted you and Sami to know. Is your sister there?”
“No, Roman took her back to the hotel a while ago. I”m sure you could catch her there.”
“Is she staying at with my parents?”
“Yes, she is. Brady’s there too. He stopped by today. He really misses you and Dad.”
“We miss him too. We’ll probably spend the night here and then fly back tomorrow to be with you guys. Look for us early tomorrow morning. Well, I better call your sister. I want to tell her this news myself. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck, Mom. Telling Sami and getting married. But I don’t think you and Dad need luck this time. It’s in the stars.” He smiled. “I love you. I’ll talk to ya later. Bye.”
“I love you, too, sweetie. Take care of yourself. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.” She hung up and quickly dialed the hotel number. Sami deserved to hear the news firsthand. Even though she had come to terms with the relationship, it might be a little startling to hear that they were actually getting married and besides it would hurt her greatly to find out that Marlena had only told Eric. Both her children deserved to hear the news from her lips. Marlena smiled when her mother answered the phone. She should tell her the news as well.
“Hi, Momma,” She softly answered, awaiting her mother’s startled response.
“Oh, Marlena, it’s so good to hear your voice. John found you, I assume.” Martha breathed a deep sigh of relief as did Frank and Sami who were across the room playing cards. Sami shouted across the room.
“Tell Mom I want to talk to her.”
“Okay, honey, I will. Just let me talk with her for a minute.” Martha turned back to the phone. “How are you dear?”
“Better, Momma. John and I worked through a lot of problems. And we’ve decided to get married. Today. Here in Phoenix.”
“You what?” Martha couldn’t believe her ears. Out of all of her daughter’s weddings she had yet to attend one. She’d been looking forward to finally being able to sit in the front row as Marlena and John said their vows.
“You heard me, Momma. We’re getting married. WE want to do it now. Before anything else gets in our way. John went out to get a license and a church or courthouse. We’re going to get married this afternoon. Momma, I know Sami can hear your reaction and she’ll be able to guess the news. Please let me talk to her before you say anymore. I want to tell her myself.” Martha agreed and carried the phone over to Sami.
“Hi, Mom, how are you? I’ve really missed you,” Sami stated before Marlena could say a word.
“Oh, sweetie girl, I’ve missed you too. I have some news for you. John and I are getting married this afternoon.” Sami gasped. She had gotten accustomed to the idea of her Mom and John getting married but she had hoped to be able to attend the ceremony. She knew though that her mother must have a reason for such hurried nuptials.
“Congratulations. I wish we could be there.” Sami whispered, a little down.
“Oh, Sweetie, I do too. We just want to do this now, before anything else gets in the way. It’s not going to be a big ceremony. This is my third marriage. I think it would be a little tacky to have yet another big wedding. And we just want to do it now. So much has gotten in our way in the past. We just don’t want to lose this opportunity.”
“I understand, Mom. I just would like to be there, that’s all.” Sami’s disheartened voice made Marlena want to cry. She sure didn’t understand her teenage daughter. One week she despised both Marlena and John and now she was devastated that she couldn’t attend their wedding.
“I tell you what. We’ll do it again for you and Eric and Brady when we get back. Okay?”
“You don’t have to do that, Mom. It’s really okay. You do what you have to do. Are you guys going on a honeymoon?” Marlena laughed. They hadn’t even discussed that.
“Well, as much as I’d love to get away from Salem for a long time, at least until all the gossip blows over. I don’t think that’s practical. Maybe after Eric gets out of the hospital and out of rehab, we’ll take a family trip. You guys could stay with Brady sometimes so John and I could have some private time and we’d get to rebuild our family. Oh, well, we’ll talk about it when we get back. We’ll be flying in tomorrow some time. We’re going to stay the night here and then leave tomorrow morning. John misses Brady and I’m dying to see you and Eric,” Marlena brushed through her hair as she talked. John entered the room. His breath caught in his chest at the sight of her, wearing just a robe and brushing through her silken hair. She looked up and smiled the smile she reserved only for him.
“Good, well tell John I said hello. I love you , Mom,” Sami replied.
“I love you, too, sweetheart. Take care of Brady. Where is he by the way? I haven’t heard his voice at all.” John laid the dress bag, shoe box, and shopping bag he was carrying across the table and stepped to the phone. He would like to talk to his son.
“He’s sleeping,” Sami answered.
“Oh, well, kiss him for both of us.”
“Will do. Love ya, Mom. Bye.”
“I love you too. Bye.” Marlena hung up and smiled up at John. “I had to tell them. They’re excited. Sami was kind of upset not to see the wedding. But she understands. Everything set? ” Her eyes simply glowed with excitement, which only increased his own excitement. He rubbed his hands together gleefully and swaggered back to the table. With a grand flourish, he swooped the dress bag off the table and into her arms. She laid it carefully on the bed as she listened attentively to his plans.
“I didn’t look at it. I gave the lady a picture of you, your size and a description of your style and told her to pick the best. She said it’s gorgeous. The wedding is set for six o’clock this evening at a little chapel just outside of Phoenix. It’s built practically into the mountains. The minister was more than willing and even offered to have his wife be our witness.” He smiled a childlike grin and whisked her into his arms. With his eyes glowing, he whispered. “We’re really getting married, Doc.” She couldn’t help but laugh in return.
“We are,” She laughed, her voice husky with emotion. She was as unable to believe the circumstances herself. In a matter of hours, she would finally become Mrs. John Black. What a crazy turn of events! She nestled her head upon his neck and held him close. Their dreams were finally coming true. They hadn’t been achieved easily. Their dreams had been fought for, tooth and nail, every step of the way. Their dreams had been lost, broken, even forgotten. Yet, now, here they stood on the brink of their dreams. Marlena had to take a deep breath, lest she faint. She clung to John to remind herself that it was really happening. John was equally awed. They had awaited the day when they’d be able to love on another freely and openly for more years than either cared to remember. They had been ashamed of their love and secretive of their love. Now, in just a few hours, the whole world would know of their love. They would be husband and wife and able to share their love with the world.
John’s eyes opened for a second and he saw the time. “Marlena, it’s 4:00. We need to get ready.” She jumped, startled by the amount of time that had flown by. The day had simply disappeared. “I know it’s bad luck to see the bride in her wedding dress, and we sure don’t need anymore bad luck, so I am going to go get dressed at the church. The minister said I could use the church shower. I have arranged for a taxi to come for you at 5:30. I’ll see you there,” Before Marlena could say a word, John had brushed her lips with a tender kiss and exited the hotel room. She stood in awe for a few minutes, a massive case of pre-wedding jitters attacking her.
Slowly, she walked back to the bed and unzipped the silver dress bag. She gasped as she removed the dress. It was exactly like the dress she had imagined marrying John in. She stood before the mirror and held it up to herself. It was perfect. The cream color satin accented her blonde hair. The long-fitted dress fell just above her perfectly sculpted ankles. The train in the back was just long enough to appear elegant, while not appearing too extravagant. The capped sleeves would reveal just enough of her slim arms. The v-line neck curved in just the right places to reveal only a tiny bit of cleavage. It couldn’t be more tasteful. Her heart was moved by how well John knew her. He must have described her likes in perfect detail. A small headpiece remained in the bag. She extricated it to reveal a halo veil with a shoulder length skein of thin lace. She could barely wait to try it on.
She dug into the bag he had left on the table to find a blue garter, a lingerie box, and a jewelry box. Marlena opened one jewelry box in astonishment. There lay the ring she had given John in their first wedding so long ago. Through it was linked a golden necklace. “Here’s something old for you, my love. It is a promise of undying love and unbreakable dreams. Marlena swiped at the tears that fell with her trembling hand. She was shocked to find that he had kept the ring after so many years and so many heartaches. Her heart swelled at the thought.
She opened the next box. Inside the lingerie box was and ivory peignoir another note. “And here’s something new. I simply can’t wait to see this off of you! Until tonight, I’ll dream of this on your beautiful body.” Marlena laughed huskily at his humor. They had always shared such an unbelievable passion for one another. Her own sentiments were not much different from his.
Inside the next box was the something borrowed. An antique bracelet adorned with pearls and a delicate gold link lay twinkling inside the box. The date 1904 was engraved on a golden tag that hung from the chain. The note read: “this is borrowed form the minister’s wife. It was given to her by her grandmother who had gotten it on her wedding day. All who wore it on their wedding day have been married over forty years. When I shared our story with her, she insisted that this be your something borrowed with all of her love and prayers. Here’s looking at forty years with the most beautiful and loving woman I’ve ever met.”
Then, of course, the lacy blue garter filled the traditional something blue. She smiled at the thought of John removing that garter from her leg later on. She would have to remember to place it high on her thigh. Her eyes gleamed at that thought.
As quickly as possible, Marlena donned her clothes, standing momentarily to admire herself in the mirror. John had done well. The dress fit to a tee. She linked the necklace around her neck, fingering the ring with tenderness as she stared at it in the mirror. She flashed back to the day she had first married John. She could still feel his thumb gently brushing the tears from her cheeks, could feel the passion in his lips as he whisked her into his arms for their first married kiss. She brought the ring to her lips and softly kissed it, then let it fall back around her neck.
She pinned the sides of her hair back with the golden hair combs John had purchased. The veil settled firmly on her head, making her look nearly angelic. The remainder of her blonde hair fell softly beneath the lace of the veil. She slipped the strappy white sandals onto her feet and then glanced at the clock. 5:30. Her taxi would be there soon. She eyed herself critically in the mirror. She thought her nervousness would definitely be visible in the mirror, but knew it would only wreak havoc on her interior. She drew a deep breath and awaited her ride to make her dreams come true.
John anxiously paced the front of the church, his every nerve fiber on edge. She was running late, not that he was surprised, but it did unnerve him. He rechecked his watch for the fifth time and his eyes flipped back to the door again. The minister, Reverend Davidson, smiled. He hadn’t seen such a nervous groom in a long time. He remembered his own wedding and sympathized with John’s feelings. He too had been a bundle of nerves on his wedding day.
John glanced over at the organ. Mrs. Davidson was sitting with her slender fingers upon the keys, her eyes upon the door waiting for the entrance of the bride. Her eyes lit up as she spotted an equally nervous bride standing in the doorway. Mrs. Davidson began playing the “Wedding March” as Marlena stood in the doorway, collecting herself. John caught his bride’s gaze. He could barely see her eyes beneath the veil, but he could still feel her love for him. His breath caught in his chest. He had never seen her look so beautiful, even at their first wedding. Her eyes glowed, her skin radiated beauty, her dress accentuated her every curve. He could barely breathe just looking at her.
Reverend Davidson nodded at Marlena as he took John by the arm and guided him into place. Marlena began her ascent up the long church aisle. Her hands trembled as she struggled to keep her bouquet in her hands. Tears were already beginning to flow as she neared ever closer to John. Her dress trailed behind her with a soft satiny swish. She could hardly wait to hold John’s hand. She needed to feel his strength or she was going to collapse.
As she inched down the aisle, John was transfixed by her beauty, unable to remove his gaze from her radiance. He had never imagined that marrying her again would make him feel this way. He couldn’t wait to take her by the hand and hold onto her. He determined that he’d never let her go again. She smiled at him and his heart skipped a beat. Their passion could be felt across the room. It was no longer a forbidden passion, but a passion which they could embrace with open arms. When she finally reached the front of the church, John desperately grasped onto her hand, his eyes still unable to break her steady gaze.
“You look beautiful,” He whispered, while staring deep into her hazel eyes. She mouthed a silent ‘thank you,’ not trusting herself to speak just yet. Everything seemed so unreal, like a fairy tale. John’s tuxedo had long black tails. His black hair curled softly just above the collar. She could tell he was itching to pull off the silky gray tie. To her, he had never looked more handsome. She squeezed his hand as she mentally thanked God for the gift she now held in her hand. She held an unspeakable love in her fingertips. Her heart felt as if it were going to burst. As a tear crept down her cheek she couldn’t help but flash back to all their times together.
He had reached out so softly, his thumbs gently swabbing away the tears of joy decorating her cheeks. His vows had been so heartfelt. And she had nearly jumped at the electricity beneath his touch. As the minister announced them husband and wife, his lips had claimed hers with ferocious intensity. Passion beyond both of their wildest imaginations was held in that kiss. They couldn’t help but run back down the aisle, both unable to believe that God had blessed them with such a gift. When they had breathlessly stopped in the church lobby, he had once again whisked her into his arms for another passionate kiss. Friends and family had adorned them with rice and good wishes.
In the hospital many years later, she had awoken to find her baby had died and she had felt devastated and alone. John had taken her in his arms and held her. His own grief shelved for a moment while he attempted to heal her. He held her close, his love apparent. He had sacrificed his own pain and grief to help her deal with Angel’s death. He had handed her the pictures he had so thoughtfully taken. He knew that Angel would not last to see her mother, so he saved a few pieces of Angel for her. He never missed anything. He always went above and beyond the call of duty to lessen Marlena’s pain. She loved that about him.
She remembered another time, not too long ago when they had declared their love for one another. At the Horton cabin, they had finally reconnected and, while healing from the broken hearts they’d both suffered over the years, they had found the true love that they had thought long abandoned. John had helped her to admit her feelings of guilt and to begin to deal with them. He had loved her, pure and simple. In spite of how she said she felt about him, in spite of how poorly she treated him, he had loved her. And he had won her back over. He had taken her heart in carefully gloved hands and gently wooed her into believing in love again. She could still feel the warmth of his touch, the feel of his arms enveloping her in his loving embrace. It gave her the strength to push past her fears to embrace the undying love she felt for the man before her. And as she gazed into his eyes, her love only grew stronger, affirmed by the love she saw mirrored in his eyes.
The minister interrupted her thoughts, his lilting voice only adding to the romance of this precious day. John and Marlena turned as one to face the minister, their hands linked firmly in one another’s. Occasionally, they would glance over at one another, desperate for the eye contact that could speak more than words could ever utter. Marlena’s hands trembled beneath John’s touch. He squeezed her hands and with his loving gaze promised his undying love. As a tear rolled down her porcelain cheek, John smiled. He ran his thumb across her cheek, extracting the tears with tenderness, sending chills across Marlena’s body. When he took her hand again, his grasp was firmer. He was not going to give her up this time, EVER.
“John and Marlena, we are gathered here today to join the two of you in holy matrimony. My wife and I are proud to be the witnesses in a marriage blessed with such love and buoyancy. John shared with me some of you heartaches and what the two of you have gone through to save your love is remarkable. We are blessed to join you in this joyous occasion. God has blessed you with an unspeakable love and you are here today to recommit your love to one another and to God. If anyone has anything to say against this union, let him speak now or forever hold your peace.” John and Marlena glanced back almost expecting to see Roman appear at the back of the church. When he did not, both heaved a sigh of relief and turned back to face the minister.
“John Black, will you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold in richer or in poorer in sickness or in health for as long as you both shall live?” John stared directly into Marlena’s eyes as he spoke the words.
“I will.” His voice did not quiver with the emotion that he felt but he could not contain the tear that spilled down his cheek. With utmost tenderness, Marlena reached up and brushed it away with the tips of her fingers. John caught her hand with his and pulled it to his lips. He held it there momentarily until the minister interrupted their moment.
“And Marlena Evans, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in richer or in poorer, in sickness or in health for as long as you both shall live?”
“I will,” Marlena squeaked, her voice betraying her emotions.
“Now may I have the rings,” John reached into his pocket and removed a single velvet box. He opened it to reveal two
perfect bands, adorned in nothing but golden splendor. The minister removed the rings from the box and held them in his hand. “Let us pray.” John and Marlena bowed their heads, their hearts pleading with God for a heavenly blessing upon their marriage. “Heavenly father, we thank you for choosing to bestow upon this couple a love that has defied all boundaries. We ask heavenly father that their love, like the golden rings in my hand never tarnish and never end. Father, bless them with unending love and unspeakable bliss. Bless their family with love and peace. Show them the way through the tunnels of darkness which life will lead them through and give them faith and trust to believe in one another always. Show them the strength to trust in their love. Thank you, father, for them and bless them. Amen.” Marlena and John echoed his “Amen,” immediately looking up at one another again as soon as the prayer finished.
“John, take this ring.” John took Marlena’s band in his hand and released her right hand. “Repeat after me. With this ring I thee wed.”
“With this ring I thee wed.” He slid the ring onto her finger and held to her hand as he whispered “I love you.”
“Marlena, take this ring.” Malrena took the ring and took John’s left hand. “Repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed.”
“With this ring, I thee wed.” Her voice was loud and clear this time. She slid the ring onto his finger, her tear falling upon it just as it settled into place. She smiled shyly up at John as she brushed away the tears.
“Now John, you told me that you’d like to share a few thoughts with Marlena. Do so now.” John nodded and again reached for Marlena’s hand.
“I have loved you for as long as I can remember, literally. Few days have gone by when I didn’t think of you and wonder about your happiness. When we were apart, I only wished for you to find the happiness that you gave me for so brief a moment when we were married. Life tore so much from us. But I am not giving you up for any reason this time. Never again will I let you leave me. My love for you is stronger now than it has ever been. I am so grateful that God has blessed me with you. I promise to cherish you every day of our life, to make our family peaceful and loving. I will take your children as my own and I will spend my life making you happy. No matter what happens I am not going to let go of our love, ever again. Thank you for blessing me with your love. I can never be thankful enough.” He placed a chaste kiss upon her cheek. The minister looked to Marlena.
“Would you like to say anything?” She nodded, the tears already beginning to creep down her cheeks.
“John, I regret the times we were apart and promise never to doubt you, your love or my love for you ever again. I will live my life to make you happy. I will take Brady as my own and I vow to be the best mother and wife to you both as possible. You are the man I’ve dreamed of for more years than I can remember. I am so gratefully that God has given us the opportunity to find our love once again.”
“Then with no further adieu. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may . . . “ Before he could finish the sentence, John had swept Marlena into his arms, his lips meeting hers in a fateful match of destiny. Their souls met with passion beyond all explanation. The minister chuckled as the kiss only deepened instead of ending as most first marital kisses did. When they finally separated, John swept Marlena into his arms and carried her down the aisle, kissing her frequently along the way. Her hands threaded through the hair at the nape of John’s neck as she threw her head back and laughed throatily at his enthusiasm. When he set her down in the vestibule, he kissed her again. The minister and his wife followed behind them tossing handfuls of rice at them. They laughed giddily as they exited the church and slipped into the waiting limo. When they were seated in the moving car, John nuzzled her neck and whispered softly.
“Hello, Mrs. Black,” She laughed sexily as his lips skittered across her neck.
“Hello, Mr. Black,” She ran her fingers through his hair and whispered breathily. “Can’t this thing go any faster?” It was John’s turn to laugh.
“I’ll tell him to speed it up, okay, Doc,” He knocked on the glass and advised the amused driver that his bride would appreciate it if they could go faster. The driver informed him that he’d have them at the hotel in five minutes. “He said five minutes, Doc? Will that work?” She licked her lips and nodded slowly.
“I suppose,” She pulled John to her for a deep kiss. When they finally drew back for breath, they were at the hotel. As soon as Marlena exited the vehicle, John lifted her into his arms and carried her into the elevator. They pondered stopping the elevator for some forbidden fun, but decided it was better to wait until they arrived in their room. John opened the door to the honeymoon suite, where he had had all of their things transferred. Lilacs decorated every inch of the room. The bed was covered with pale pink, white and red rose petals. He lay his wife upon the bed and smiled.
“This is a dream come true.”
Awakening to the soft flutter of her husband’s heart, Marlena’s eyes flickered open to find her head resting upon the chest of the man she loved, the man who, after many years of tortured separation, had finally become her husband. Completely contented for the first time in more years than she could remember, she sighed peacefully. John’s hand appeared and smoothed her tousled her hair from her still flushed face. Their eyes met, while their souls spoke a silent dialogue of love. He placed a tender kiss upon her upturned nose and smiled the smile that never ceased to cause her heart to skip a beat. She felt like a school girl all over again. Every time they were together was like the first time. As his strong hands began caressing her body, Marlena drew in a ragged breath, only causing John’s passion to rise.
“I love you,” John breathed softly in her ear. “And I love making love to you.” The words rocked Marlena to the core. Nothing moved her more than being with John. His body and soul seemed to mesh with hers to fill the missing gaps that they’d never been able to fill elsewhere. He completed her and she completed him. As John’s lips danced a hot trail down her neck, Marlena ran slender fingers through John’s already mussed hair, pressing his head more firmly against her neck. The tangled covers that had lightly covered them in the night were tossed aside as they surrendered to the unbridled passion overwhelming them.
************
A lifetime of ecstasy later, John looked deep into his bride’s eyes and whispered the words of love once again. She echoed his words, wishing the moment could last forever. As he pulled her into a tender embrace, she sighed again. John smiled. Her contented sighs warmed his heart. It hadn’t been too long ago that he thought he’d die if he had to hear one more of her tortured cries. Her sighs were a much welcome replacement to the tears. As he looked into her eyes, she opened her mouth to say something and then closed it just as quickly.
“What?” John questioned, running his finger across her chin. She shook her head. “Tell me.” John insisted.
“I just forgot how much I love being your wife.” John laughed as he kissed her once again.
“I didn’t forget how great it is to be your husband, but I like being reminded anyway.”
“I missed being with you like this, sharing in the joys of our love and not having to feel guilty for it, not having to hurry home and pray that Roman couldn’t tell that our entire marriage had just been betrayed. It feels wonderful just to relax in your arms and knowing that I am going to wake up like this every morning for the rest of our lives is utter bliss. I love you so much. I wish we could stay like this forever. Just you and me without the world to interrupt us. ” AS if on cue the phone began to ring. Marlena reluctantly reached for it, knowing that it could be something wrong with one of the children.
“Wait just one more kiss before the world comes in, okay?” John leaned in for a passionate kiss, leaving her breathless as she answered the phone.
“Hello,” She croaked, hoping that whoever was on the other end hadn’t guessed what had detained her answer. Sami’s girlish giggle told her that she had been indeed figured out.
“Hi, Mom. Busy?” She laughed mischievously. Marlena shook her head and bit her lip to keep from laughing.
“No, not at all. Whatever gave you that idea?” She answered blandly.
“I don’t know. Could be that the phone’s been ringing for five minutes?”
“You could have hung up. Maybe we were sleeping.” John smiled at Marlena’s feigned innocence and began to kiss the back of her neck. She swatted him away with a look of annoyance. Smiling, he settled back against the headboard and awaited the end of the call.
“Were you?” Sami countered.
“No, but that’s beside the point. What can I do for you, Sam?”
“Nothin’. I just wanted to call and see how the wedding went.” Sami’s voice was completely innocent. She hadn’t meant to interrupt anything, She simply missed her mother.
“Samantha Gene Brady, what are you doing calling your mother the morning after her wedding? I told you she would call when she was ready to talk,” Martha Evans voice scolded loudly across the line. Sami grew quiet, not knowing quite how to answer. Marlena chuckled at her mother’s stern voice and instructed her daughter to give Martha the phone. “Marlena, what are you doing answering the phone? I am sorry she called.”
“Momma, it’s okay. I answered the phone because I thought something might be wrong. I am glad to know that it’s not. Don’t be too hard on Sami. She just misses me.” Marlena missed her daughter as well, but she still craved more time alone with her handsome groom.
“I know, but I’ll try to get her to give you some alone time, sweetheart. You two deserve some.”
“Thanks, Momma. How’s Eric doing?”
“Great. The doctors are arranging to have him transferred to a Rehab facility outside of Salem. He’s going to need some therapy to regain full range of motion in his legs, but the doctors are very optimistic.”
“And Brady?”
“Great! Sami’s been keeping him entertained. She really loves the little guy.”
“That’s great, Momma. Can I talk to her again?”
“Sure. Bye, sweetheart. Are you still planning on coming back today?”
“I don’t know. I’ll let you know later. I love you. Thanks for holding the fort down for us.”
“Any time, sweetheart. Give John a kiss for me.”
“Will do,” Marlena obeyed her mother’s request as she awaited Sami’s return to the phone. She had to stifle a chuckle as Sami’s cherry voice again interrupted a kiss.
“When are you coming back, Mom?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. Is everything going okay there? I mean really.” Marlena knew her mother would sugarcoat the truth to avoid her additional worry.
“It’s going great. Really. I’m ready to go home, though. So’s Brady. They said Eric will be transferred back to Salem by the end of the week. I can’t wait.” Sami paused as if in deep thought, then added, “I miss you.”
“Oh, sweetie girl, I miss you too. I’ll be back soon though. I love you. Will you kiss the boys for John and me?”
“Well, Brady I will. But not Eric. I’ll just tell Eric you love him, okay?”
“All right. Be good. Listen to your grandparents, okay?”
“I will, Mom. I love you. Tell John I love him too, okay,” Marlena’s heart skipped a beat. Their little girl had come a long way in a short time.
“I will. Goodbye,” Marlena hung up and settled back into John’s embrace. “She said she loves you.” She glanced back at John to find his eyes misting over. “She turned out pretty well, didn’t she?” John nodded. “As much as I miss them, I wish we didn’t have to go back today.”
“We don’t. How bout we get out of this place and go where no one knows where we are? Just for a couple of days. Eric’s improving, right?” Marlena nodded.
“Well, I’ll find us a little place in the mountains where no one can interrupt us for two days. We can check in a couple of times to just make sure that everything’s okay, but we’ll turn our cell phones off. It’ll be just you,” He kissed her nose. “and me.” This time, his kiss landed squarely upon her lips, enticing her just enough to agree to anything.
“Okay, I’ll call Momma back. You get the room arrangements.” He grabbed the cell phone from his suitcase and began to make calls. She called her mother back. She was not surprised at her mother’s immediate agreement with their plans. Her mother was an avid advocate of romance and she hated to see them denied their honeymoon. Marlena talked to Sami once more, letting her down as gently as she could. Sami agreed that her mom and John needed more time alone, even if it meant a few more days without seeing them. After Sami accepted their momentary delay in returning home, Marlena promised to be back in time for Eric’s transfer back to Salem. With a final declaration of love, she hung up the phone.
Stepping behind her, John wrapped her in his arms, nuzzling his face against her neck. His lips feathered kisses down her neckline as he whispered, “It’s all set. We’re all alone for two whole days. Whatever will we do?”
*********
As John pulled the rented Mercedes into the driveway of the resort, Marlena’s breath caught in her chest. The view was breathtaking. About ten cottages were spread across a twenty mile radius, dotting the valley with their muted colors. John left her in the car as he registered. Within moments, he returned, driving to a cottage on the outskirts of the resort, furthest away from everything. Marlena smiled and placed a kiss upon John’s cheek.
“I love it,” She whispered. At the doorway, John swept her into his arms, carrying her over the threshold once again. “John, you already carried me over the threshold.” She laughed.
“I know,” He returned. “I just love being this close to you.” He whispered as he began to kiss the back of her neck. Her throaty laugh stirred him into walking more quickly. He opened the door wide with his foot and stepped into a virtual wonderland of every flower imaginable. Marlena’s eyes teared up as she took in the beauty of the small room. Absently, her hand went to her throat, nearly gasping for air. She must be the luckiest woman alive. She barely mouthed the words thank you before she began to cry. John stood her beside him and wrapped his hands gently around her neck, his thumbs massaging the base of her neck. “you’re worth so much more to me. But this is all they were able to find. There’s another surprise over there.” Marlena followed the direction of his finger to find a box wrapped in soft pink paper. She opened it to find a single gold key, not much larger than her index finger. With questioning eyes, she turned back to her husband.
“The key to my heart,” He whispered. “I want you to know that there’s no one else ever who could ever take your place. You hold the key to my world. You always have. Since the day I walked into Salem, you’ve been my world. You are my heartbeat and the answer to my every prayer, spoken or unspoken. I am so grateful to call you my wife.” A single tear slid down Marlena’s cheek as she held the key against her chest, clutching to it with trembling fingers. She opened her lips to speak, but could find no words to express the love she felt for him. No words could quite contain the depth of her emotions, in fact her heart felt as if it might burst beneath the weight of her love for him. With quivering lips, she tried again.
“I love you so much,” The short phrase was all she could utter before her tears began to flow. Taking her in his arms, John held her to his chest. She began kissing him fiercely, wanting him to know how deeply she loved him. The key slipped from her fingers and fell to the ground with a soft clang. Within instants, Marlena’s dress had joined it there. As John carried his wife to the bed, she feathered his chest with kisses. When they finally lay upon the bed, neither could wait much longer. As they joined together, their hearts soared with passion, passion which had been saved just for them. As Marlena awoke the next morning her head resting upon her husband’s chest, Vanessa Williams’ song began playing in her head.
“Just when I thought our chance had passed, you go and save the best for last.” She might have been through more emotional wars than women twice her age, more marriages than she’d ever dreamed possible, more deaths than she had thought she could ever handle, but after all that she was still strong. And After all of that, she had finally married the one man who loved her unconditionally who would prove to her that love could last forever. As she leaned over and kissed her husband, she thanked God above that he had indeed saved the best for last.
THE END
The Jarlena Journal 