The snow fell softly against the window of Marlena’s room as she stared into the mirror, dazed by her thoughts. It had been a miracle that Stefano, the man who had tormented her, and John, for almost 10 years, had managed to get her babies to Aremid, and another miracle that John’s bail had been granted, allowing him to spend the evening with her and the children. The time she had spent with them, and with John alone over the past few weeks had stirred something in her that she thought had been buried… the feelings of love that she held for him. Turning away from the mirror she flashed back to the OTHER part of the night before…. the part where she had come upon John kissing Kristen. The jealousy she had felt over this was something new to her… and as she turned away from the mirror, she saw the scene again in her mind as she tried to shake off the feeling.
“I thought my feelings for John were in the past. Maybe I was wrong,” she said to herself, putting the brush she held in her hand back down upon the stand as a knock sounded at the door and she went to open it, surprised to find John on the other side.
“Good morning Doc, it’s a BEAUTIFUL morning outside and I am just FULL of energy,” he said with the excitement of a 5 year old child as he moved into the room, and she closed the door behind him. “I guess that’s what being in love does to you. You know it’s so cold and snowy I thought maybe we could take the kids skating, or sledding, what do you wanna do?” he asked as she quickly covered the hurt that had crossed her face at the mention of the word “love” for she was certain he wasn’t talking about being in love with her.
“Actually, I thought I would head back to Salem… I’ve got a lot of work to catch up on.” she told him, trying to avoid his gaze.
“Something’s bothering you Doc… what is it?” he asked concerned by her sudden urge to get away from Aremid so quickly.
“Nothing’s bothering me. I just have a lot of work to do back in Salem, that’s all” she explains, grabbing her suitcase and moving to sit it upon the bed.
“But Doc, hey, come on, you said you wanted to spend the Holidays with the kids.” he reminds her, trying to find a reason for her NOT to leave.
“Well, I did, but I’ve done that now, and I’ve GOT to get back to work,” she turns her back to him, beginning to unzip the suitcase as she continues to make the excuse of her work to try and get away from him.
“Ah, no no, I know the real reason you’re leaving here,” he says moving closer to her, and standing behind her.
“You do,” she asks as her head pops up, wondering how transparent she has become in the past few days with her feelings.
“You feel guilty about all the time you’ve missed from work this year. I told you before Doc, that’s not your fault.” he tells her as she breathes a sigh of relief, mixed with a little disappointment. “You need to spend this time with your children.” he tells her as she turns to face him.
“I did miss a lot of time with the children didn’t I?” she asks with a hint of guilt in her voice, knowing the circumstances were beyond her control that kept her from them, but feeling bad for it none the less.
“It’s been a rough year for you Doc, but it’s over now over now… time to celebrate. Time to take a Holiday. You need this time, and I need this time with you, ” he says, trying his best to entice her into staying.
She ponders his words as she wonders if that would be best, knowing that she is in love with him, as much as she had been almost 3 years before when they had their affair. Truth be told, she had realized, in her own mind, that she had never been OUT of love with him. It’s his last words that finally get a response from her however. “Who’s to say how much time I have left to spend with you and the kids.” the thought of him being out to death in prison is more than she can stand to think about.
“Don’t say that! You didn’t kill Tony, and that’s going to be proven.” she tells him, determined to dwell on the negative of the situation for at least that morning.
“That’s right, and you know how much your support and faith mean to me Doc. It;s the reason I need you right here with me.” he finishes, using her soft side for him in an attempt to make her stay, deep down, he knows that anything he needs, she would give him, and anything she had to do, she would. It’s those bonds that make him love her.
Realizing where his thoughts were headed, he shook himself out of that direction, reminding himself that she didn’t love him, and that he had moved on with Kristen, and was trying to get over her.
“John…”
“Please Doc… For the kids, and for me.” he is to the point of almost begging her now, wanting to keep her with him for just a little longer, to help him enjoy his brief time away from the cell in prison.
Staring into his eyes, she is tempted to say no, but the need in those pools of blue cause her to change her mind. “Alright…” she gives in, turning to zip the suitcase back up, and put it away.
“So, is something else bothering you that you wanna talk about?” he asks, moving closer to her, and running his hand down the length of her arm, a gesture that had always soothed her… unaware that it caused many other reaction as well at this moment. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that” he tells her, moving both of his hands to massage her arms and shoulders.
Tensing beneath his touch in an attempt not to let him affect her while he is that close, she jerks away from him The fear of becoming too vulnerable to him, and having her heart broken was more than she needed right now. It was difficult enough to be his sole supporter, knowing all too well, that he would go right back to Kristen after the whole ordeal was over. Throwing the suitcase against the wall of the room, she curses herself for having to lie to him. If ONLY there was any inclination that he felt ANYTHING for her this wouldn’t be so hard.
“Damn it! You know John, I used to be able to talk about anything with you, that’s true. However, something has come up, that I don’t think would sit too well with you. So, yes, something IS bothering me, and hurting me more than ANYTHING before ever has, and I can’t tell you, because if you reacted to it badly… I don’t think I could bear it!” she finished, allowing the tears to flow as she did only in front of him. It was this she had feared. He was the only one whom she allowed to see the softer side of her. Everyone else knew only the courageous strong woman she portrayed day in and day out for show. John, knew the REAL woman.
“Doc, what the hell has gotten into you. Since when have you EVER been afraid to talk to me about anything. I don’t ever remember you not being able to. Not even when it was something like having feelings for me that you were hiding from Roman…” hearing the intake of breath at the mention of her feelings for him, he stopped short of finishing his sentence. This was an odd turn of events that he hadn’t been expecting. The LAST thing he had thought of was that she still loved him… and her reaction tot that subject was peeking his curiosity now. “Doc, does this sudden urge of yours to get away from me have ANYTHING to do with that same subject. That reaction… that breath you take when I am too close to the truth…. or too close to YOU. That was in reaction to what Ii said about your feelings for me. Why would you think you can’t tell me about something like that?” he asked, goading her into admitting it even though he knew she was afraid to.
“What the hell do you expect me to do? Walk up to you and say ‘ John, I know you are in love with Kristen, and you don’t feel anything for me but friendship, but I felt I’d make a fool of myself and tell you that I love you anwyays’? I don’t damn well think so, but now you have gotten what you wanted. I admitted it, and if you are going to try and stand there and tell me some bull about how you value me as a friend but don’t return my feelings, then you can just go to hell John Black!” she spat at him as she moved to walk past him and into the closet to find clothes suitable for taking the children out… no need to disappoint them even if she was pissed at their father.
Grasping her arm as she tried to maneuver her way past him, he turned her to face him, determined that she wasn’t going anywhere until she heard him out. Backing her against the wall, he pinned her, holding both of her hands against it with his own as he stared down at her. “Now, are you going to allow me to give you an explanation, or would you rather keep on pitching a fit? I have to admit I’d rather keep you where you are right now, and leave the explanations behind…. but I don’t think you’d appreciate that very much.” the words coming in a husky whisper that always gave away one thing about him… desire.
Dazed and confused by his action in the past two minutes, it took her a moment to gather enough rational though to even speak, much less move. Not that she would have wanted to move away from him if someone paid her to. Mentally shaking herself, she gazed up at him as she spoke, “John, I think there is something I am missing here. First you pressure me into telling you how I feel, and next you are pinning me against a wall, and leaning against me in a way that I think you KNOW affects me so that I can’t even remember my own name. There’s just one thing that keeps popping up in my mind. All I have heard for the past weeks is Kristen this, and Kristen that. Just 5 minutes ago you were telling me you love her. Care to tell me what the hell is up in that brain of yours? I know you haven’t been in jail long enough to lose your eyesight and mistake me for her. There are a few features I have that she doesn’t.” she finished following his gaze as it swept across the cross of her robe across her breasts. Covering the smirk that had crossed her face as he realized she was mentioning his favorite part of her body…
Stepping away from her slightly, but not allowing her hands free from the wall, he grinned down at her as he spoke. “Doc, pointing my attention towards that area of your body is about a half inch away from sending me to a point that I don’t think I’d return anytime soon from. Now, as for an explanation… Do you remember a while ago, you came to see me in prison to tell me the REAL reason that Kristen doubted me. You said it was because she believed that I wasn’t over you yet. Well, it’s time for the truth. She was right. Not one day went by that I wasn’t wishing for you instead of her, but I tried to make the best of it… to make it work, because I was scared to hear you tell me you didn’t want me. I can see the truth in your eyes now thought… you never STOPPED wanting me. So why the hell were you too scared to tell me?” he asked as he pleaded with her to end this game they had been playing for too long… The game of hide and seek… hide their true feelings, and seek solace somewhere they would never be happy. What a miserable life they had been leading.
“John, it’s not that easy…. Remember what happened the last time we admitted these same things to each other? It hurt SO many people, that I couldn’t bear to think of that happening again. Then there was Kristen… you seemed so happy with her, you keep telling me over and over again how much you loved her when she married Tony. I stood by you, all the while about to die inside because I was nothing more than your friend, and she got to have all of you. Do you think that was EASY for me? Do you think that it was something I wanted to do? I’d have liked nothing better than to look you in the face and tell you I loved you more than life itself. That the bond I shared with you was WAY stronger than just the ties that were created when belle was born. It was more a bond between two people who wanted to grow old together, to have a whole houseful of children running around them. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear to risk everything again… not when I had no idea you shared the same feelings. So don’t EVEN try and act like this is my fault. Why didn’t you admit to the same thing?” she asked as she began pacing nervously across the boarded floor of the small room. It was a little overwhelming to have him so close to her… discussing these subjects, when all she wanted to do was back him up against the wall and have her way with him.
“Marlena… I am sorry I jumped at you like it was your fault. I was for those same exact reasons that I allowed myself to believe I could hide these feelings from you. I should have known better. We have ALWAYS gravitated towards each other. Always felt safer, and more at peace when in each other’s arms… it was inevitable that they would come out… burying them only seems to make them stronger. Now I guess my question for you would be a simple one… where do you want to go from here?” the question had to be asked. It didn’t matter that they had admitted tot heir feelings… the important thing was figuring out what they wanted. He knew his answer… he only wanted her.
Looking up in his eyes, she was lost in the depths of the blue that twinkled back at her. This was the man she had wanted to spend her life with since all those years before. It hadn’t been Roman that she was in love with, it had been him, no matter what name, or face, or personality he took on. Taking a few steps towards him, she moved her hand to caress the smooth skin of his cheek, running a finger along his chin, as she moved closer to him still. Mere inches the only thing separating their bodies. Moving her other hand to brush the stray hair that had fallen upon his forehead, she moved her lips to graze his in the tenderest of kisses. Pulling back slightly, she couldn’t help but smile at the desire reflected in his eyes. “Does that answer your question honey? I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to be there beside me each morning when I wake up, and every night when I go to bed. And, if it takes everything I have, I will get you out of this mess you are in with Tony, and the Dimeras. I don’t care what I have to do!” Moving in to kiss him again, she was surprised when he turned the tables on her, moving his tongue to part her lips as he deepened the kiss. Sliding his hands across the span of her back as he moved her against the wall once again. Opening her eyes in surprise, she couldn’t help laughing at the image she had conjured only moments before of backing him against this same wall and having her way with him. The thoughts vanished quickly as they had appeared, as his hands made their way to the tie holding her robe together. Pulling at the sides, he made quick work of removing it, leaving her clad in nothing but her satin pajamas, the top unbuttoned just enough to reveal the cleavage formed as his body pressed against hers once more. She returned the favor as she quickly tugged his shirt loose from his jeans, and yanked it over his head. Moving her lips across the hair covered span of his chest, as she undid the buckle of his belt, and began unfastening his jeans, pushing them away from him as fast as possible. Leaving him dressed in only the black silk boxers that she had dreamed of him in for so long.
Moving towards her slowly, he trailed his hands along the collar of the pajama top, before jerking it violently away from her body… he had only felt passion and excitement with her, and no one else. It was so strong that it threatened to overtake him if he wasn’t careful. Looping his thumbs in the waste of the pajama bottoms he pulled them from her hips, leaving her nude in front of him. Drinking in the sight of her creamy skin in the dim light of the room. It was like porcelain, so smooth, and glowing beneath his touch. Making quick work of removing the boxers from his own body, he lifted her into his arms, and leaned her against the wall for support. Her legs instinctively wrapping around his waist, as his mouth found it’s way to her chest. His tongue flicking against her nipples, as his lips surrounded the taut skin to suckle on it gently. The moan that escaped her throat was enough to let him know that the movements he was making were driving her crazy. Her hands gripped his shoulders, as her nails grazed the surface of his skin. Her breath hot on his shoulder as she traced a path with her tongue from his chin to his collar bone. As much as he wanted to caress every inch of her body, the sound of her husky voice begging him to make love to her was too much to deny. Lifting her away from his waste slightly he entered her, plunging deeply into the warmth of her. The muscles of her body tightening around him as he moved deeper yet. He began to set a rhythm with her, as the wall served as their support, he increased his speed. Plunging in and out again as he felt the nails begin to bite into the flesh of his shoulder. She was his once again, as she always should have been. It was with these thoughts that he felt her give around him. The quivering of her body signaling her climax as she bit his shoulder to keep from crying out… the walls of the small Aremid Inn would serve as an echo chamber had she done so, instead of giving them privacy. John allowed himself to let go as he felt the muscles of her body tense with the power of her orgasm. Filling her with the hot sticky liquid as he reached his own climax. With her still in his arms, he moved towards the bed. Collapsing upon it as he reached it, bringing her down with him to rest atop his body… knowing that this wasn’t the end of their discussion about their feelings. Knowing also, that if history repeated itself, once was never enough for them. The feeling of possessing each other’s body was too strong for them, too empowering, too magical to ever forget, or to ever live without. Kissing her forehead as he stared at the ceiling allowing his body to return to normal, he knew this was the way he wanted the rest of his life to be, He wanted to marry this woman and spend every waking moment thinking about her and making her happy, and if his prayers were answered, he would do so. As soon as he was cleared for Tony’s death. The his life would truly begin.
The Jarlena Journal 