Scents of the river wafted to her nose on the warm evening breeze. Algae, wood pylon, caught fish and boat oil mixed with a musty, chlorine and black soil tang. The water level hadn’t been this low in all the years she’d made this city her home. Evenings past had witnessed more fishermen returning and off-loading catch, but over the years, the numbers had thinned. Still, it was good to contemplatively rest here, silently watching the still wide, deep Salem river lazily roll by, lapping the dock.
She made this stop reasonably often after work; getting her steps in, this pier made a fine place for a breather before she finished her last leg home.
But today wasn’t a regular day. Every August 22 since 1996, whatever the circumstances of her life, she’d carved out more time than usual to occupy this bench and remember. She’d silenced her cell phone, and cleansed her mind of the distractions of the day as she’d approached a few minutes ago. Today marked the 36th anniversary of their wedding, and since all her children had grown up and moved out years ago, she could stay here as long as she liked. She didn’t need to rush home as she’d done when they’d needed more attention. Of course, some little ones called her “Grandma” now, but the three contributed so far by Sami lived with their parents in Rome for the time being. Brady’s little son and daughter had just started preschool in Chicago, where Brady practiced law. And cute Claire had abandoned her parents, Shawn and Belle, for summer camp.
Marlena smiled thinking of her grown family. She wished Carrie and Austin had been gifted at least one bundle of joy, but she’d always counted her blessings; like Brady, they lived only about three hours away in Chicago. Eric, a priest for nine years now, served in a parish less than an hour’s drive away, but his church duties kept him so busy she didn’t see him half as much as she’d like. Sami who had been so angry, so volatile, and so underhanded in the mid-90s, had settled down a lot, thank goodness. They shared a close relationship now – although they had to maintain it by Zoom calls these days. But Sami still tended to be very headstrong, and this had placed her in some calamitous situations these past decades. Of all the children she’d raised, Sami still gave her mother the most gray hairs.
The pier had been devoid of other people, but now Marlena heard some commotion and turned discreetly to see a young couple whispering and laughing. The woman’s blonde hair blew a bit as they strolled along, lost in each other. She grabbed her partner’s hand in hers and stood on her toes to kiss him. He, tanned and dark-haired, stopped and pulled her back into the shadows, taking her in his arms and – Marlena could only guess because they were just dark forms to her now – kissed her back passionately. After a short interval, they both emitted giggles and whispers again, and ambled down the wooden walkway, out of her line of sight and hearing.
Their happiness and ardor appeared so natural. Marlena played back their brief appearance, and this time she substituted her own visage from years ago onto the woman and John’s onto the man. But only for a moment. Then she simply remembered back to one of the times she and he had been here together, also strolling hand in hand…
“Roman, I’m so full. That salmon pasta was to die for.”
“The chicken cacciatore was first rate too.”
“We should do date night more often.”
“Yeah, not having two messy and competitive toddlers and a picky ten-year-old at the table with us is like having a mini-vacation.”
“And they’re all staying at your parents’ overnight too, don’t forget.”
“Didn’t forget that,” he assured her. “I may not be hungry for food anymore after that meal, but another part of me is still really famished.” He leered suggestively.
She gave his shoulder a light thump. “Oh you! Don’t you dare pretend I haven’t ‘fed’ you. Remember last night?”
His eyes twinkled with mischief. “Nope. Don’t remember that at all. Don’t recall the night before either when we had to stuff pillows in our mouths to keep from waking the kids.”
She blushed and smacked him again. “Roman!” she admonished. “Someone might hear you.”
He did a three-sixty turn. “Nobody within earshot. Don’t you worry, baby. I won’t embarrass you in front of strangers.”
“Oh, really? I’m not so sure about that, Mister.”
They chuckled knowingly, and stopped under a light, facing the river, hearing its rhythms and catching sight of a few boat lights out in mid stream.
“I didn’t ask you about your day,” she said.
“Oh, Doc, sometimes the bureaucracy gets to me. The chief went on a tear about undone paperwork, so I drank twice as much coffee as I usually do to keep myself from falling asleep at my desk as I churned out the reports.”
“Wow, honey. You drink twice as much as I do on normal days. Let me guess – you spent a lot of the afternoon in the men’s room,” she teased.
He grinned. “Might have. But a call came in about a potential jumper out on Billings bridge. A team and I deployed, and we were able to prevent a tragedy.”
“Oh, I know who you mean. The homeless girl who won’t give her name.”
“Yeah, that’s the one. She’s a runaway. Can’t be more than fourteen.”
“I talked to her when the EMTs brought her to the ER. Poor girl. I think her life at home was unbearable, but now she also sees how hard it can be for an underage girl on the streets.”
“Did social services take over?”
“Not yet, She’s getting at least one night in a hospital room – for observation.”
He nodded. “Good. She may not know it yet, Doc, but her luck changed today when you walked in.”
“I don’t know about that –”
“I do.” Roman pulled her into his arms and held her very close. He whispered into her ear, “Everything changed for me when you entered my life, sweetheart. I love you so much.”
Marlena hugged him tighter, and said seductively, low in her throat, “I love you too, Captain Brady. Take me home so I can prove it. In private.”
Gosh, she hadn’t thought of that particular night in ages. So long ago. That one year when an incredible sequence of events led them to live as husband and wife. That year when John started living a life that turned out not to be his own.
Usually, when she came here on their anniversary, she thought of more well-worn memories, some of them indelibly sweet, others so intimate and hot-blooded she’d blush again, still others edgy and never fully reconciled. And, inevitably, there were the most painful memories from which she often still shied away.
This morning she’d woken up in a cold sweat. Her recurring nightmare had hit her full throttle again for the first time in four months. Fortunately, when conscious, the images faded quickly because, from long practice, she could banish them. Of course, if she didn’t keep a tight rein, her brain could conjure up the nightmare even when she wasn’t sleeping. Because it wasn’t just her mind nocturnally repeating a terrible, fictional scenario. No. She and her family and friends had lived that nightmare. It was their reality.
Shaking her head, as if she wanted to reboot it like that stubborn, glitchy laptop at home, she sought to focus again on happy memories. John delivering Belle. A Chinese take-out they’d shared in the penthouse in late 1994. And the day the demon had been sent back to Hell, and she and John left St. Luke’s together and got thoroughly soaked in the rain that had finally come after the long, devil-induced drought. How giddily happy they’d been. Marlena had returned from the dead, and John had been God’s instrument to make that happen.
Marlena didn’t remember most of what had occurred during her actual possession over 25 years ago, but that glorious, care-free moment outside of the church she would never forget. She let herself bask, recalling as vividly as possible the joy and gratitude that had radiated from John and herself, and the strength of his arms as he’d enfolded her as though she were the most precious person in the world.
Totally immersed in recreating that scene, Marlena didn’t notice when someone appeared nearby and drew near. So, she jumped noticeably when she heard, “Excuse me…” She abruptly dropped out of her reverie and observed a tall, fair-haired man wearing nondescript clothes. A patchy goatee and mustache decorated his long face. “Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“Uh,” a little embarrassed, she recollected herself, “that’s okay. I wasn’t paying attention.” She looked at him questioningly, “Can I help you?”
He didn’t answer her question. Instead he introduced himself. “My name is Gabe.” He didn’t offer his hand. He just stood calmly a few feet from her.
Automatically, Marlena replied, “Nice to meet you, Gabe.” She wished he would be on his way though. After the young couple had gone, the pier had been all hers again. She hadn’t even heard him coming, and suddenly she felt vulnerable being alone here with this stranger.
He smiled a little. “Don’t be afraid. Actually, we’ve met once before. But I don’t expect you to remember that.”
“Have we? When?” She registered that when he’d told her not to be afraid, she had stopped feeling any trepidation. Just like that. He did seem almost familiar, but she couldn’t place him.
“Many years ago. 1995 to be exact.”
Marlena’s thoughts immediately jumped back to that extremely eventful year. Her possession had ended in the first six months, and in the second six they’d gone to Aremid. But 27 years ago, this man would probably have been about ten or so. He couldn’t have been involved in the exorcism, and she didn’t think she’d had contact with any boy named Gabe in Aremid. Unless. Had the demon inside her harmed him or his family in some way? Had he deliberately sought her out to settle a score? No, that didn’t make sense. That didn’t correlate with his highly peaceful comportment. She felt absolutely no threat from him.
Marlena still didn’t know who was speaking to her.
Gabe asked, “May I sit down?”
Marlena duly moved to the far end of the bench, leaving him plenty of space. He sat at an angle so they could maintain eye contact. “John told you about me, Marlena.”
Very few people uttered John’s name these days. It momentarily knocked her mentally off balance to hear it from this man’s lips. Not only that, this man knew her name.
“Ah.” She struggled to access a memory of John doing that. Had he mentioned a boy named Gabe? Marlena knew John had coached some teams and helped some fatherless boys, but had there been a Gabe?”
Gabe waited patiently, but finally he prompted her. “Marlena, I wasn’t a child back then. I came to John a few times when you were possessed.”
Finally, the light went on. Yes! After she’d been freed from the demon, John had told her about receiving visits from Gabe the Guardian Angel.
She gasped involuntarily and reflexively covered her open mouth with her hand. She studied Gabe more closely now. “Yes,” she affirmed, “he said you told him what he had to do. He also said you appeared in the morgue once the demon had been immobilized by his cry to God for help.”
Gabe smiled encouragingly again. “That’s correct, Marlena. I also came and touched you on the shoulder in the church after you revived there.”
Marlena’s eyes went wide. “Oh, my gosh. I remember that! I didn’t see you, but I felt something inject vitality into me. Before, I had no energy. I could barely hold myself up, and couldn’t walk by myself. I would have just fallen bonelessly to the floor. But once I felt that infusion, my strength returned.”
For the first time, she smiled at him. “Thank you.”
Gabe shook his head once, gently remonstrating. “I’m only the messenger; only the instrument. All power originates from the Almighty.” Then he added, “John saw me leaving the crowded church after I touched you, and he followed me outside to thank me for the counsel I’d brought him. I told him he had done well, and this was our last meeting.”
Marlena’s gratefulness evaporated and her expression hardened. She looked away, trying to quell her suddenly rioting emotions. She wanted to make her mind blank because whoever this might be (part of her rebelled at the thought that she was actually conversing with an angel) obviously could discern what she was thinking, and she felt sure he would find her anger ungrateful and useless.
Gabe watched her without speaking for a few seconds. Then he said, “Do not worry that I understand what you are thinking. I can’t read your mind, but I know your story and can draw logical conclusions.” He continued, “I am not here to judge you.”
She huffed in spite of herself. She felt her eyes tear up and had to steel herself. “But I want to judge, and I don’t think that’s something a lowly mortal is supposed to do.”
Of course that didn’t perturb Gabe. “Speak your mind, Marlena. Bring out into the open what you’ve kept bottled up all this time.”
She decided to do just that. “You said he’d done well.”
“Yes.”
“But just nine months later, he was dead. Tony and Stefano DiMera managed to get him executed by scheming, planting false evidence, lying, blackmailing, and stealing exculpatory evidence. He was INNOCENT, but he was gassed to death by state order in the prime of his life, leaving behind two small children who needed him, and many other people who loved him, including me!” Marlena couldn’t stop her rage now. “Where is there justice in that? I used to think goodness would prevail over evil, but it didn’t for John. It failed him completely.
“Since then, I’ve managed to find reasons to keep on living every day. Brady and Belle needed me for about fifteen of those years, and I could not fail them. And the older children also kept me here. Sami and I finally put our relationship on solid footing again. Eric came home and stayed. Carrie, my dear child of the heart – I know she thought I might do away with myself just after John’s death. She wasn’t wrong that I thought about it. Once, I counted the prescription sleeping pills in my bottle to see if enough were left to…” She didn’t finish that sentence. Instead she said, “But of course, I didn’t do it because, as I said, I couldn’t fail the little ones.
“Now it’s been 26 years, and all my children are grown-ups. I love them, and I love my grandchildren. But this morning, after reliving the horrors of the execution in my dreams for the umpteenth time, the old despondency gripped me fiercely again. They love me, but they don’t need me. I could go now.
“And as I sat here just before you appeared, I thought about some of the happy times John and I had. Too few of them, but –” She stopped, deciding she didn’t need to detail them to Gabe. Instead she said, “I miss him every day. And yet, most of my life, John and I either didn’t know one another yet, or we were apart because of the most insane circumstances (my kidnapping, his not being Roman, our guilt over the affair), or he was dead. He died in his forties. I’m in my early seventies, as you undoubtedly know. I’ve gained more experiences and hopefully more wisdom than I had back in 1996. In a sense, I’ve outgrown the woman I was back then.
“But on the other hand, the love I felt for him isn’t something I can discard or ignore. It still consumes me. I never wanted to get married again after he died. Oh, I went out with a few men over the years. But none of them – good men though they were, I believe – could love me – or draw love from me – the way John so naturally did.
“I want to be with him again. I want to hear his low, sensual voice; gaze into his beautiful cobalt eyes; throw my arms around him and invite him to kiss me the way he did.”
Marlena shrugged resignedly. “I want to be with him,” she said again. And then she stopped talking.
Gabe had listened to her heartfelt rant without changing his neutral expression. Marlena guessed it wasn’t easy to make an impression on an angel. Maybe it was even impossible. He didn’t express any sympathy, at least. Instead he requested, “Marlena, first, please, let’s go back to the question of justice.”
She quickly and bitterly snapped, “There was no justice for him.”
“From your perspective, that statement seems to be true. But is it? You and others were able to find irrefutable proof of his innocence, and you cleared his name, even though it had to be posthumously. His conviction was overturned, and the government paid his children a huge compensatory sum – not that they needed it. His family received much sympathy in the media when people knew for certain he’d lost his life wrongly –”
Marlena looked at him incredulously. “None of that makes up for the fact that his life was cut off.”
“True. But he could have been hit by a car, had a fatal reaction to penicillin, died in a plane crash, been felled by cancer, or any other cause of death. No one has any guarantee that they’ll live to whatever the average life expectancy might be in this day and age. Some do, some do not.” Gabe paused to let her be reminded of that.
Then he continued, “When John was gone, you felt the pain of his loss. That is the sorrowful lot of the survivors. For John, though, the pains and losses were over. Is there really cosmic injustice in that for him, then?
“Perhaps you recall the parable of the workers who came throughout a day for work from a specific man. He gave each one employment. Some started in the early morning, and some at noon. Still others began very close to quitting time. But when it came time for the employer to pay them, he paid them all the exact same wage. The ones who had done a full day’s work complained about this, but the employer said they had agreed to work for that wage. He wasn’t cheating anyone, so why should they care how much others were paid. It was his money, and he could choose to pay everyone the same amount.”
Marlena looked puzzled. “I have certainly heard it. But I’m not sure how that applies.”
“Every human being spends a different amount of time on earth. Some live to or over 100. Some die in their middle years. Some don’t live to their first birthday.”
“Like my son, D.J.”
Gabe acknowledged that with a nod. “When their time is up, God, out of his generosity and love, offers each human being eternity with him. The Almighty doesn’t say that one can’t go to heaven if one didn’t live a certain quota of years. EVERYONE is offered the same eternity.”
“I’m sorry. I…I don’t know what the point is.”
“You believe in heaven?”
“Yes.”
“Do you believe that a deceased John would be in heaven?
“Yes.” Marlena thought fleetingly that Gabe had put that oddly. Why didn’t he just say, “Do you believe John is in heaven?” But she didn’t pursue it.
“Do you think heaven is a place where people are perfectly happy?”
“I think so. I mean, I assume yes.”
“So, what would be unjust about John dying at any age if he goes to heaven? Wouldn’t that be a wonderful gift no matter what the earthly circumstances? Many a saint died a horrific death that wasn’t in any way just from a human standpoint. But they are in heaven praising God for His Goodness and boundless Love. They aren’t complaining about injustice.”
Marlena looked stupefied. Then she acquiesced. “All right. I see your point. It is I and those left on earth who loved John who feel we’ve been cheated. We wanted him with us much longer. We don’t think it’s just that he had to leave us.”
Gabe accepted that. “That is very understandable.”
She added, “Brady has never forgiven the corruption of the justice system that allowed John’s execution. He decided early to become an attorney so he could defend the innocent from such a travesty.”
“So, Brady has made something constructive of the early loss of his father. That too, is important. Sometimes it takes a tragedy for human beings to reach their potential in life, Marlena.”
She decided not to reply to that. In her heart she knew he spoke the truth. But arguably, other outcomes were possible. She believed Brady would have made just as good a contribution (or a better one) to society if he’d had his dad. As it was, Brady could still become truly incensed about the villainy of that execution. It was a subject no one in the family brought up with him.
Gabe seemed content to let her ruminate for a time. But then he asked, “If you could change just one of your actions – just one thing – to try to prevent John’s death in Aremid, what would it be? You don’t have to limit the time frame. Choose any one event in the time continuum until John’s death.”
Marlena sighed, and eyed him peevishly. “Gabe, surely you know that I’ve played this ‘what if I’d done this’ game more times than I can count. It is a futile mental exercise that can’t change John’s fate.”
“Nevertheless, what would you do? You have the full advantage of hindsight for this task. Can you pinpoint one action of yours that might have changed the whole trajectory?”
Gazing out at the river, Marlena answered, “I guess I could have done quite a few things differently that might have changed our history.”
“Such as?”
“If I had married John as John, not Roman, back in 1986, we might have sidestepped the catastrophic consequences for our family when the real Roman returned to Salem. Then John would not have become an instant outcast, and I and the children might not have been ripped away from him.”
“Hmm. But in West Virginia you stopped Bo from letting John fall to his death by showing him a photo left by the plastic surgeon who claimed to have changed John’s face from what Roman Brady had looked like. That event set you all on the course of believing John was Roman. Very pivotal in your lives, yes? How could you have married John as John?”
“That is the rub, yes. It would have required many different circumstances from those we faced. If he had come to Salem still an amnesiac but without the complications of being somehow associated with Stefano and being hunted by others, it might have been possible. But I cannot think of just one thing I could have done that would have allowed me to marry John as John back then, so I can’t beat your challenge that way.”
Marlena stretched her legs out in front of her and crossed them at the ankles. She continued, “But, even with me marrying John as Roman, if I hadn’t been taken away by Orpheus – if I’d stayed with John/Roman and the children instead of being thought dead from ’87 until ’91 – that might have been the fulcrum needed for a very different life for us.”
“How so?”
Marlena readily threw herself into describing this scenario although she was quite convinced Gabe already had the facts. “John/Roman and I would have been married and together instead of him thinking I was dead. Our family would have been a functioning unit – a quite happy one, I believe. So, when Roman came back and reclaimed his rightful identity from John, I think I can say with confidence that I would have remained with John, instead of trying to make it work with Roman again. I’m sure I’d have suffered some guilt for how Roman would have felt, coming home to find himself replaced, but even after the DNA tests and the truth, I would have been married to John longer than I was to Roman by then. And the children knew John as their father while Roman was a stranger. Also, we wouldn’t have had to deal with the added problem of Isabella. John wouldn’t have dated other women during those five years. So we wouldn’t have had the obstacle – oh, goodness, it’s terrible to call Brady an obstacle, but there it is – yes, the complication of her pregnancy to add to the royal mess when Roman came back. So, yes, if I hadn’t been kidnapped by Orpheus, that would have been a real game changer. “
“How could you have stopped Orpheus from taking you?” Gabe asked next.
Marlena chuckled in spite of herself. “You ask such hard questions. John/Roman tried to protect me when we became aware of Orpheus’ rage at him for accidentally killing Orpheus’ wife, but I’m afraid I didn’t cooperate as well as I should have. If I had been more willing to curtail my freedom then, they might have apprehended Orpheus while I stayed safe. I do regret not listening to John/Roman then and doing whatever was necessary to keep myself out of Orpheus’ hands.”
She thought for a moment. “Another point where I might have made a difference: Being gone and thought dead until 1991, I returned a few months before we found the real Roman. John/Roman understandably felt torn because he’d fallen in love with Isabella. They were planning to be married because she was expecting his child. I felt unsure of my place in his life because, as I explained to him, for me the years had been unconscious ones and I didn’t feel the time separation he did. I knew he felt conflicted, but if I had not been tenuous, if I had been braver and encouraged him more, I believe John/Roman would have chosen me and our family. It would have been heart-wrenching for Isabella (and John), but we would have worked it out. Then John and I could have been a couple again before Roman entered our lives. I believe I would have stayed with John, and, although I’m sure I’d have suffered guilt for not resuming life with Roman, I don’t think I would have done it.”
Gabe noted, “And if either of those had happened, how would that have prevented Aremid?”
“Oh. Well, it might have prevented so much that led up to Aremid, for a start. If we had stayed married, there would have been no ‘affair.’
“And no Belle?”
“I’d like to think we could have had Belle regardless – just minus all the negative drama and stress. Actually, I’d like to think we’d have had more than one child together.
“Anyway, the affair and what it did to Roman left me feeling terribly guilty. As you know. It opened the door to the demon and all the suffering I caused while possessed.
“It also drove my love for John deep ‘underground.’ He, too, locked up his feelings and instead, because he needed someone whom he could show love, he really became obsessed with Kristen. And that, of course, caused Tony to seek vengeance against him.
“So, if John and I had stayed married, it is very likely we never would have gone to Aremid at all.
“Also, if I’d never been possessed, ‘I’ wouldn’t have thrown Stefano off the penthouse balcony, and wouldn’t have befriended him post-possession because he was so grievously injured.”
Gabe said, “But let’s assume that you couldn’t do anything to change your life up until Aremid. Assume you and John did what you really did: buried your feelings so deep that even the two of you weren’t aware that you still loved each other before all others. What could you have done in Aremid to change its tragic course of events?”
Marlena sighed. “If I had it to do over again with what I know now, I would have given up the last hour I spent with John. I would have said a quick good-bye without revealing my feelings. I would have made sure that judge saw the diary that proved John’s innocence. And I would have made sure we’d get a stay of execution from the governor.”
“If you had done that, you and John might not have discovered that you still loved each other for some time – perhaps never. Kristen might have married him and had a family with him.”
Marlena clenched her jaw. “Yes, it could have turned out that way. But at least John would have been alive. He would have seen Brady and Belle grow up. He’d be a handsome, silver-haired grandpa now, and even if we never got the chance to reunite romantically again, I’d be content to have had him as a friend – as my dearest friend, which he was from the time we ended our affair until he died.” She suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion. She tried to stop them, but abruptly tears ran down her face. She impatiently swiped her hands over her cheeks, and said, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Marlena. Your love for John is selfless and pure. But sometimes you must seize the moment. You are ready to do so.”
The lanky angel got to his feet and took a couple of steps forward, before turning to face her. “It’s time, Marlena.”
She gave him a bewildered look. “Time? For what?” She even glanced at her stylish SMART wristwatch’s digital display to check the time. When she looked up again, Gabe had disappeared. And suddenly Marlena felt dizzy and groggy. She gasped for breath. She thought she might be having a heart attack, although she didn’t feel pain in her chest. It’s happening, she thought vaguely. It’s happening naturally. I’m going to be with John finally. She lost consciousness.
…
Marlena “floated” on a strange, unidentifiable cusp in some surreal netherworld. Part of her wanted to sleep forever. John had perished in the gas chamber. All her efforts had been in vain. Someplace in her subconscious, she knew Stefano had drugged her. She knew he’d taken her in a dinghy out to meet a helicopter. She would not only never see John again, but also never see any of her children again. It was all too unbearable. Since she had nothing left with which to fight Stefano, she just wanted to die.
Yet, her will rejected her despair. It pushed her toward consciousness again. And her sluggish mind and exhausted body began to send her signals. Instead of the freezing water she’d last felt, a cozy warmth enveloped her, as if she were in a soft bed – maybe a feather bed – piled with comforters.
But even so, she didn’t want to wake and face the merciless world where justice and love had denied her pleas, and her daring plan to save John had failed.
But wait. Was this a dream? A hallucination? One of her recurring nightmares? Hadn’t she just been sitting beside the Salem river talking with someone named Gabe?
Maybe she was in Purgatory? Was she destined to live ghastly variations of Aremid until she’d paid for all the hurt she’d caused people in her life?
What had Gabe said? “It’s time.” Time for what?
Then she heard Gabe’s voice again faintly in her head. “Marlena, do not be afraid. Use the wisdom you’ve acquired. You’ve lived those 26 years as if they were real. They were real to you. But physically you are in Aremid in 1996. Wake up, Marlena, and seize the moment.”
Marlena moved slightly in what was indeed a soft, warm bed. But her eyes were still closed, and her mind was a jumble. What was going on? Was she going crazy? Her life with her children and friends had only been in her mind? She couldn’t fathom it.
But then she drifted to a little memory. Young Brady had been a science fiction fan. As a boy, he’d watched the entire Star Trek: The Next Generation series over and over, and sometimes he’d successfully persuaded her to watch with him. There was a famous episode called “The Inner Light” in which Captain Picard had been struck by a beam that had rendered him unconscious to his shipmates for less than an hour, but had led him to “live” the life of another sentient person for several decades. He’d married, had children, and gone into old age. For him, this life seemed very real. Marlena wondered if something as bizarre had happened to her. In her thoughts, she called out to Gabe, “It was absolutely real to me.”
“Yes, it had a reality of its own. But now, you are in 1996 again. Live that reality, Marlena. Make the most of it.”
Gabe’s voice faded inside her mind, and even though she tried to coax him back, he had gone.
Marlena stirred in her cocoon of warmth, but didn’t open her eyes. She sensed dimly that someone was in the room with her, but she still had residual drugs in her system and it made it difficult to come to full awareness. She heard some rustling, as if someone were moving closer to her. And then she dimly heard a man’s voice, but she couldn’t make out what he said.
She struggled for consciousness and turned her head on the very plushy pillow. Now she felt something stroke her shoulder, but her eyelids were still too heavy to open. She managed a little “nmm” sound. Her thoughts had settled on one focus, and as she felt a light brush of fingers on her cheek, she murmured it aloud, “John…” Then she finally opened her eyes and turned her head in the direction of the touch. Taking a moment for her eyes to gain focus, she found herself only a few inches from John’s face. Her heart nearly stopped from the sheer shock. Just before Stefano drugged her and took her, he’d told her John had died in the gas chamber.
But of course, her shock stemmed from more than that. Marlena, who had been in 2022, hadn’t seen John in 26 years. The joy built in her as she began to fully understand that he was alive and sitting right by her bed.
“John?” she croaked in wonderment.
He took her hand and held it to his lips kissing it as he said with nervous relief, “I was so afraid I was never going to hear your voice again.”
Marlena couldn’t quite believe her eyes. Maybe he was an apparition. So she reached out her hand and stroked his face. He was solid. He was there, smiling at her, never taking his eyes off her.
“I’m so glad you’re alive,” she told him, her jubilation brimming over in a few tears. Mentally, part of her rolled her eyes at herself. Is that the best you can do? But how could she say anything else? She was overwhelmed with joy because he lived! Her John. He was living and breathing right in front of her.
And, of course, he looked just like she last remembered him.
Glancing at her own hands, she realized she too must have the body, the age, she had in 1996.
She couldn’t fathom the miracle of all this but oh, boy, would she take it.
John continued to touch her face, apparently reassuring himself that he hadn’t lost her either. He held her palm against his face, and said in an intimate whisper, “You know, I don’t think I ever fully realized how much you mean to me before tonight.” After a few moments he said intensely, “You risked everything for me, lady. Nobody’s ever done that…my whole life. Nobody.”
Overcome with emotion that she couldn’t express, Marlena covered her mouth with her hand, trying to keep herself from becoming a puddle. He was alive. That’s all she could think of, so she said again, “Thank God, you’re alive.”
John replied, “I thank God for saving you,” and then he laid his head down next to her on the bed.
Marlena beamed with the profound and perfect bliss of this moment, and so did he. Both of them continued to touch each others’ faces, to assure themselves the other one had survived. After a bit, John said, “It feels so good to hold you again, Doc.”
Marlena told him, “I was so scared. All that time when you were scheduled to die, I was so desperate to help you.”
John stroked her arm and held her other hand to his cheek as she said this slowly. Then he pondered, “It’s amazing, isn’t it? Fate seemed to arrange it so we wouldn’t be here without each other.”
“I wonder why?,” was all Marlena could manage to reply. She wanted to say, “Well, fate arranged it so we were apart for decades,” but right now anyway, that was a conversation she couldn’t start. It was all so fantastic. She’d lived all those years without him, and yet, she hadn’t as far as he was concerned. Besides, in terms of this miracle moment, he was completely correct. They had been there for each other. She had saved him by distracting Stefano while Rachel took Tony’s self-incriminating diary to the authorities. Marlena remembered now that she had done that. And, he, she dimly realized, had in turn saved her from Stefano by diving into freezing water in a weakened state after being gassed almost to death. He had pulled her from the icy waters after she’d fallen in.
John mused, “I wonder what else fate has in store for us?”
Marlena could wonder that too. In her “other” life, John’s death had ended their ability to be there for each other. But this “rewind” so to speak, would allow them to chart a new path.
The two of them looked at each other, each perhaps silently willing the other to speak. But neither did.
Then came a knock at the door, and Mike stuck his head in. “How’s the patient?”
John, giving Marlena’s hand one more kiss, stood up, saying, “Well, Mike, why don’t you see for yourself?” He started for the door.
Marlena suddenly remembered Gabe’s words: “Seize the moment.” She had spent so many years wondering how she could have gotten things back on track for John and herself. In her other life, she and John had spent the last hour of his life confessing their love for one another, but, of course, the only long-term fruit of that conversation had been Marlena’s missing him. Mourning someone is hardly the fate she’d wanted, but there had been no reprieve. Until now.
Now, she had this amazing second chance. But the reason she had stayed silent just now was that in this reality, he and she had not openly declared their love. Even in this tender reunion, she had held back, and she thought he had too. But she couldn’t be sure of how he felt. After all, Kristen was his fiancee. What if she declared her love, and John replied that he loved her too, but he meant only as a dear friend? So many things had caused them both to close the book on their romantic love for each other. Marlena knew her love for him had come to the forefront again. And she knew that in the other life, John’s had too. But what about in this version of their lives? Perhaps he really did love Kristen, and wanted marital happiness with her. It was abundantly clear John loved Marlena, but maybe it was just as his best friend.
All these uncertainties flooded Marlena’s mind as John began to leave the room. But then again, she recalled the words of Gabe the Guardian Angel: “It’s time. Seize the moment.” She could not keep living in her head. She had done too much of that. She could not live in fear that her declaration of love might be rejected (however kindly). She had to act. She had to try to bend the course of their fates. She hadn’t married John as John back in 1986. She hadn’t been able to prevent Orpheus from taking her away from her family for five years. But she had helped save John from death in the gas chamber. And now, she had to take the biggest leap of all.
“Mike, would you mind waiting a bit before checking me over? Could you come back a little later?
“John, would you stay please?”
Mike smiled at her, “Of course. Come and get me when you’re ready, will you, John?”
“You bet.” John closed the door behind the retreating Mike and turned back. He sat down in the chair he had originally pulled alongside her bed and again held her hand. “What is it, Doc? Whatever you need, name it,” he said guilelessly.
Marlena arranged herself higher on the pillow so she could face him more equally in height. Her heart pounded in her chest, and she wondered if he could detect that.
“John,” she said. “So much has happened. I can’t even begin to express to you everything I’ve felt. I hope to reveal it all to you though because I think the time for secrets is over.”
An uneasy look swept across John’s face, and he swallowed. “Did you read my letter, Doc? I asked the guard to deliver it to you. I’m not sure what happened to it. Did you get it?”
Marlena squeezed his hand that held hers, at the same time wondering how many more surprises there could be. She knew nothing of a letter. Carefully, she said, “No, John. I didn’t know there was a letter. You wrote to me. When?…”
“Oh.” He looked as though he wanted to kick himself for bringing it up. “Okay, Uh. Just forget I mentioned it then. It’s not important right now.”
Leaning closer to him, Marlena said, “I have to be honest with you. However you respond will be fine. No pressure. No expectations. But I can’t keep this to myself any longer.”
She saw some fear creep into his lively blue eyes, and she knew she had to get it out before she lost her nerve. “John, during these weeks in Aremid, I realized something –”
“Doc, it’s okay. I know you put your life on hold to support me. And you saved my life today. You need to get back to Salem, right? You’ve sacrificed so much time for me here. If you need to go home before the rest of us do, I totally understand –”
“John. No. Just listen, please. Let me say what I have to say.”
He looked chastened and nodded.
Marlena felt close to fainting. Was it due to her ordeal earlier, or due to her growing fear John only loved her as a cherished friend and wasn’t in love with her anymore?
She removed her hand from his for a moment. She moved her legs out from under the comforter and placed them on the floor. Keeping the fluffy blanket over her midsection, she sat on the side of the bed so she was fully facing John and her knees were together between his. She then reached out and lightly held both his hands – his fingers really – in her smaller ones.
Taking a deep breath to try to steady herself, she looked him straight in the eye and said, “John, I can’t keep this to myself. Being in Aremid with you has made me realize that I’ve always loved you. And not just as a friend. As a lover, as a husband, as the father of Belle and Brady, and the wonderful second father of Carrie, Eric, and Sami. For a long time I told myself what we had was over, and I was content with that. But it wasn’t true. I love you with all my heart. I know you have Kristen, and if you want to carry on with your life with her, I will wish you all the best. But I had to seize this moment, and tell you.”
She looked away from his stunned face and released his hands. She had not bared her soul like that to him since they were married, and now she was scared she had exposed too much.
And suddenly the quiet in the room was too oppressive to bear. Feeling totally naked emotionally, Marlena got up unsteadily, curling the comforter around her as an impromptu robe of sorts. She started away from him.
She had only taken three small steps before John moved lithely in front of her and blocked her escape route.
He held her by her shoulders and said softly, and maybe unintentionally seductively, “Where’re you going, Marlena?” His right hand came up under her chin and tilted her head so their eyes could meet. She saw his sparkling cobalts, but didn’t dare guess what message they held. She didn’t speak. In fact, she unconsciously held her breath.
John’s face began to glow as he told her, “Marlena, I love you. I am in love with you. I always have been, but I denied it too. Aremid caused me to confront my feelings. I finally admitted to myself I had been fooling myself into believing I only cared for you as a friend.
“That letter I mentioned? I wrote it to you in my cell before I went to the gas chamber. I wanted you to know what you’d meant to me.
“There is no woman in the world I love or want more than you. You have made me the happiest man on earth telling me you love me. You are braver than me too. You had the courage to take the first step. “
“Oh, John –” Marlena’s heart had never been so full, but before the elated woman could say more, he kissed her. First, as a tentative greeting between long estranged lovers who were feeling their way back. But quickly it escalated, and they kissed with hunger and passion, reveling in each other and the love between them that survived all attempts to extinguish it.
Finally, John broke away from her lips and pulled her into a strong, secure embrace. The comforter fell to the floor as they nearly melted into each other. John said in her ear. “We’ll work it out. Yes, I have to speak with Kristen; I have to tell her the truth, and it’s going to be painful for her. But make no mistake. I want to spend my life with you, Marlena. Only a few hours ago, I thought my life was over. But thanks to you, I not only have my life, but I have you. No man could be richer than I am right now with just those two things.”
Marlena knew how true that was for her too. To one aspect of her being, it seemed as though only a short time ago, she had been sitting on the Salem pier in August 2022 (on their anniversary no less) pining for John and longing to be with him again. Now she stood wrapped in his muscular arms, breathing in his intoxicating scent in the month of February, 1996. She’d been granted another chance to make a good life with John, to love him freely and have him love her.
She’d seized the moment.
Thank you, God. Thank you, Gabe, she offered up interiorly. But even as she expressed her unbounded gratitude, her mind began filtering out that other life, and committing itself wholly to this one…
Fin
Note: Part of John and Marlena’s actual Aremid reunion scene was described and quoted.
The Jarlena Journal 