Against All Odds ~Phil Collins
The wind blew feverishly around the small town of Salem, USA; rain pounding the blackened streets with fury. Down at Pier 29, the waves crashed underneath the wooden planks while the thunder clapped in the distance. The weather was ferocious and so was the emotion blanketing the darkened night sky. The same repetitious storm seemed to wash over the town ever since the news had been announced almost a week ago…Marlena Evans-Black was to leave Salem for an unknown destination…forever.
How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, oooh…
John Black walked down the steps to the pier, almost on his tip toes. He could see his wife standing with her back to him, the wind whipping her hair around her angelic face. She seemed so at peace from behind, that he was almost afraid to let his presence be known.
He had heard the news of her leaving from Bo. He had heard it from Hope, who had heard it from Maggie. It was Maggie who had finally gotten the truth out of Marlena when she had showed up on her doorstep in hysterics. No one had truly known the depths of her problems with John or Brady, certainly not enough to know she was thinking of leaving. It had shocked everyone in town that a marriage as solid as theirs had been shattered, but no one more than John Black, who nearly collapsed when he heard the news.
He walked down the rest of the steps towards her, knowing she’d heard him. Her back stiffened and she gently placed her golden tresses behind her ears with trembling fingers, knowing he was there. But she didn’t turn around. She couldn’t…not now and not ever again.
He watched her for a moment as her body trembled, a pair of sweatpants wrapped tightly around her slender legs. She was never one to dress casually but who did she have to impress now? She was leaving a place she had known for twenty-five years. A life, a career, a family…and in the blink of an eye, she wanted out. Not so much because she didn’t love John enough to try, more that she was afraid he didn’t love her enough to change the future.
A sophisticated leather coat hung down most of her body, contrasting to the lanky pair of sweats she wore. It was almost as if one part of her wanted to impress…wanted him to fall at her knees and beg for forgiveness. But the sweatpants symbolized something else…surrender and the power of willing herself not to fall for him, the way she always did.
John could see as she brought her nails up to her lips, lightly gnawing them with her teeth, a trait she rose to whenever she was nervous about what was to come. He walked a few extra steps towards her, clearing his throat so she knew he was behind her.
“Why did you ask me here?” she asked softly, never once turning around to face him. He could hear the trembling in her voice, the slight cracking that indicated her tears would soon after follow. “It won’t make any difference, John.” She wrapped her arms around her chest, shivering, despite the numerous layers that covered her voluptuous body.
John slipped off his black leather jacket, moving to cover Marlena’s shoulders but she moved away just as he took one step closer. He ignored her rejection, knowing how hard this was for her and leaned over, placing it beside Marlena on the railing.
“I came here to stop you,” he whispered, almost incoherent, as his voice mixed with the winds. “Did you really think that after everything we have been through, I would let you leave without a trace? That I would let you disappear form my life without ever knowing where it is you are traveling to? Marlena…”
He moved within inches of her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head upon her shoulder. She wanted to break free. She wanted him to stop but she remained silent and still…because despite what her mind told her, her heart wanted him there, to protect from the cold…to protect her from the shambles her life was about to become.
“I can’t let you leave here…I can’t let you forget what we once had, when it is all I think of. If you leave me here, I…when we met, and I began to fall in love with you, every breath that I took was for you. Every laugh I voiced, every tear I shed was for you. I live my life for you and without you…without you, I won’t have that life anymore.”
John’s voice was as soft as baby’s breath against her ear and she could feel his pain. If she closed her eyes hard enough, she could see his heart break…shattered against the wind with her own. Desperation came with each of his words, emotion flowing as John gently grasped Marlena’s shoulders in an attempt to plea for forgiveness.
You’re the only one who really knew me at all…
“I can’t help that,” she replied, her heart pounding, as she bit down on her lip, trying to break the line of tears about to trail down her innocent face. “You broke my heart, John. It was like you owned my sould. Almost as if it was just some possession you kept on the mantle for show and then one day, you got sick of it and threw it…threw it out into the ocean, not caring if it fractured or not. And when all of this happened, all I really wanted was my best friend…that one person who knew me inside and out and knew when I was upset or what I was thinking without me ever telling them. You knew everything about me, especially how to break me…it figures, though. I mean you marry for love but not even that can last forever.”
Marlena swalloed the lump in her throat, lifting her hands to wipe the tears from her eyes. She couldn’t stand being there anymore…in a place that once held such glorious meaning, now held heartache and pain. She wanted to run and never look back. She wanted to rid herself of the anxiety and fear…of the pain that had washed over her entire body, but she knew she couldn’t. Not at the moment. Not until they were finished, once and for all.
She broke free of his grasp, grabbing his jacket on the side of the railing. She sitll wouldn’t turn around to face him…to face those sky blue eys which knew the song of her heart. She closed her eyes, wrapping the jacket tightly around her, inhaling the scent of his Calvin Klein Escape. She had teased John about that scent…it was more something Brady would wear than his father, but in that moment, it was her heaven…because she knew deep down that without him in her life, she would die as well.
In some ways, it gave John hope. Maybe she had taken his jacket because she needed him and it was the only way she knew how to reach out to him. But it caused him more pain than anything else. He wanted to be the one to wrap his arms around her delicate body. He wanted to hold her and let her know everything would be all right. But for now, his jacket would have to do, that small glimmer of hope, had him fighting
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears…
“And so you’re going to just walk away? You think I won’t try and stop you? Damn it, Marlena, you know I can’t let you walk out of here without some type of fight!” he said angrily, his voice wavering with emotion.
He was beginning to think his attempts to hold onto her were hopeless. Marlena wouldn’t even turn around to face him, why would she want to be with him? John was grasping at straws and if he let go at any given moment, he would fall…into deep waters, without a life boat to save him.
“You can fight it all you want,” she said lightly. If she spoke any louder, she knew she would break down and she would never be able to gain solid ground again. “But I can’t change my mind on this. I won’t let myself no matter what. I’m not going to deny we had an amazing life, John, because we did. My best memories have been with you but so have my worst…and I…I can’t deal with it anymore because each day I do, I fall apart more and more. I don’t want you to think I don’t love you because I do…”
“So then why would you do this? Marlena, we’re disagreeing…”
“You call this disagreeing? John, I can’t even turn around and look at you, do you know how hard that is for me?”
Marlena squeezed her eyes securely shut, feeling as the warm salt water tears began to seep through, flowing down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to wipe them away, knowing if she did, they would only begin to fall once more.
So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, we’ll there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that’s what I’ve got to face…
“So then just turn around,” he whispered, his voice cool against her heated skin. “All you have to do is look at me.”
She shook her head vigorously, leaning up against the rail. She watched as the rain pelted the water, wishing she could be part of the waves. They had no feelings, just the desire to travel where the wind and water would take them, feeling a sense of freedom no humane spirit could ever know.
“If I turn around, all I will see is emptiness…a void. It’s like you’re here and you have the looks of the man I fell in love with. But John, you aren’t the same man I fell in love with emotionally, The man I fell in love with would never make me cry the way I have these last few months. So I’m sorry, I stand firm on my decision.”
“Marlena, I understand. I comprehend why you are leaving and I don’t blame you for it, I just…”
He stopped for a second, wanting to smell her memorable scent. The heavy scent of lilacs rushed straight to his heart as he realized it could very well be the last time he would ever smell it. An overwhelming feeling of emotion washed over him as he gripped onto the railing in hopes not to fall…but he knew he was. Into a dark abyss where no one could save him except for her.
“I just don’t understand how you can let what we have go. How you can let the laughter fly away and the tears take over? I want to fix things, I want to show you how much I love you,” he whispered, as she felt his breath hot against her skin.
Chills ran down her spine as she shivered, knowing that this time, it was no longer the weather. She was numb to the cold, the only pain now was the one flowing from her heart.
“Some things are beyond repair,” she sobbed.
“And some things are just worth fighting for. I know the odds are against me. I know I messed up and I will spend the rest of my life beating myself up over that. But if I have to dispute the odds, I will…because I need you with me.”
I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why…
“John, I have to go…”
He felt tears begin to flood his eyes, not knowing if he could save what was once the greatest love he had ever known. He hated crying, especially in front of her, thinking it somehow shattered his macho exterior. But she was worth it…everything he had ever done for her was worth it because he loved her. Much more than he had ever come to love himself.
“Just turn around,” his voice trembled with trepidation. “Turn around and see the tears in my eyes, turn around and see the love that is so obviously there. And if you don’t see it, if you don’t care, then you can leave. Just turn around,” he begged, his voice filled with sadness.
“No, because if I do, I know I will give in to you again. I will fall into your arms and things will be great…until Brady walks in wanting to know about Isabella, or you tell me you won’t stop loving her for as long as you live. There is so much I want to say to you John, but I just can’t.”
“Why?”
She wanted to stop…stop with the questions when she had no direct answers. But Marlena knew in her heart that he wouldn’t give up. Not until he got the answers he wanted, answers she couldn’t give him.
“Because!” she yelled. “Because I don’t know what I feel. I have so many reasons to leave and only one to stay,” she replied, her voice wavering. “Well not even my love for you can keep me here right now. Please just let me walk away, just make this easy on me.”
She didn’t want it easy on herself in a lot of ways. She wanted to know he still cared for her, that he would fight his last breath to win back her love. The pain she felt was unending and even if John did try and resolve things, she knew it would always be there. The pain and anger would remain in her devastated heart forever.
“And what about me? This is allowed to be easy on you and not on me? How is that fair?” he asked curiously.
“Life isn’t fair, John. You should know that by now.”
But to wait for you is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a look at me know, cos I’ll still be standing here…
“You’re right, it’s not,” he replied. “And I am sorry, I made it so unfair for you. But if you’re going to leave, please Marlena, just please turn around, for me…”
She wanted to…she wanted to see his love and to know there was something for her to come back to, but she couldn’t. If not for anything but her sanity.
It was like a scene from a movie…the final good-bye. But lacking eye contact, and any movement besides the endless, painful words. It was almost a solo scene and another actor would be introduced later on.
But it was no movie, just a reality that at the moment seemed inevitable.
She cleared her throat, wiping the black mascara that ran down her face. She could feel as the liquid smudged against her skin and under her amber eyes, everything becoming a black cloud.
“I have to go now. I have a flight to catch. Maybe I’ll speak to you soon, just remember I love you,” she said softly, between sobs.
It was then she turned around, feeling as her tears began to destroy her body, her cries heard throughout the deserted pier.
It had finally hit her…she was leaving a home that was the essence of her soul. A place where she had learned to live, to love, to raise a family. Everything she had known at one time was gone and the location that held her heart was now unfamiliar territory. She didn’t belong there anymore, not when she felt like a stranger after all these years.
Their eyes met for only a moment as she bit down on her lip, slowly walking away from a scene that was once her paradise.
John watched as she walked away…as she climbed the steps out of his life and let out a cry. He wanted to scream. Scream and let it all out…scream for her to come back, but how could he? She had made up her mind, months ago in fact and even his love couldn’t change that.
He shrank down on the cold, wet wood, not caring who saw him at this point. It was after midnight now and he knew no one would even come visit the pier, especially on a night like that. He was alone…alone with his tears as he said farewell to the love of his life.
“I love you too, Doc. And I’ll wait for you forever, against all the odds, if I have to.”
The Jarlena Journal 