After the Fall – By Sandra B

Bits and pieces of their dream came rushing back as she opened the mailer containing the divorce papers she had asked Mickey Horton to draw up for her. Strangely drawn to their special place, Marlena Evans-Black stood on the pier and looked out over the murky depths of the Salem River, thinking of days gone by. Memories of love and friendship played out over more than a decade. Picnics in the park when the kids were young, soccer games and ballet recitals, baking cookies at Christmas time, basking in the warmth of a glowing fire during the thick of winter, making love under the stars on Smith Island on a perfect Summer’s night….

The images presented themselves without warning, ending with pictures of one magical moment that had taken place almost two years earlier. Maybe that was all that was meant for them, all there would ever be….

With an expression of pure blissful adoration, he gazed into her moist hazel eyes and spoke the words of forever, as he lightly grasped her hands. “I, John take you, Marlena, to be my lawfully wedded wife…. to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part…. “

She sighed tiredly, glancing at the papers again. ‘Well, in a sense that’s what’s happening…. our love has died…. and the man I married is no longer in sight. The aggravating voice in the back of her head kept pushing for a decision… one she wasn’t entirely sure she had made…’So, go ahead… send him the papers, Marlena.. just get it overwith! You know it’s for the best…. a clean break is the only way to go….’

Oh hush! What if I’m not ready for that? What if… in spite of everything I still…love him? What am I supposed to do then?

‘Okay… then let him stay…. but don’t expect him to change… he went back to Stefano Marlena…. think about that!’ Oh, dear God I’m so confused! What should I do?

A sudden chill came over her, followed by the sound of a voice that was unmistakable, “Hello Marlena… maybe I can help you with your decision. I.. “

She labored to hide the cold shivers his presence created before she turned to face him, yelling at him, “You… get out of my sight, you evil bastard! You’re the one to blame for this! You were the one who set it all in motion. You used and manipulated them… made them into other people… you’re sick and I want nothing to do with you!”

It made him laugh but he managed to contain his reaction in order to keep her there, “Ah… ah, ah… Marlena… John betrayed you, not I… John came to ME! You cannot blame me for the fact that he would rather confide in me than deal with his problems honestly. I was not responsible for his misguided choices.”

“You’re right…. he was responsible for his actions…. and he came to you of his own free will, but I know that you twisted things around on him… you made him believe that what happened was his fault… when it wasn’t at all. And you played on his insecurities… you fed on his fear of abandonment. And because of that, he lied to me, and now our marriage is in a shambles.”

“So… now I’m to blame for the fact that *you* filed for divorce, am I to understand you correctly, Marlena?” he said, looking down at the envelope she held at her side.

He was maddening and she wished she could strike him down on the spot for his part in destroying their dream. “Yes… and don’t you *dare* be coy with me, Stefano… you know the truth! John believed he had nowhere else to go… he was alone and vulnerable… and you *used* his desperation to take control over him again…. And then you picked right up where you left off… forcing him to do your bidding. He never had a chance!” she hissed at him with a fiery contempt he found oddly attractive.

His power over their lives never ceased to amaze him….and he smiled for a moment before speaking very deliberately, reminding her of the scenario as it played out. “Marlena…  believe it or not, John came to me uninvited… and he offered to come back to work for me because you rejected him… You and the entire Brady family essentially told him you wanted nothing more to do with him, so he returned to the only other life he’d known. I will not apologize for taking him back when he asked me to do so, and I will not take responsibility for his behavior on the night in question.”

“Oh, that’s just perfect…. You orchestrate the situation and then you stand back and pretend as though it was an act of benevolence, rescuing a stray from life on the streets. We all know that what happened to John is as much your fault as his… but you have an answer for everything, don’t you?”

He smiled at the accuracy of her assessment on that one point, “Yes… I do… now what have you decided?”

Putting the envelope in her briefcase, she faced off with him, trying to read his motives, “Oh, I think that I’m going to hold onto these for awhile, let things settle down a little bit. John deserves at least that much, if only for old time’s sake. “

“Oh… and here I thought you were quite anxious to finalize the proceedings before the trial began. To cut all ties, as rumor has it. I have even heard reports that you’ve been considering testifying against him. You must be very angry with him if you’re willing to help convict him.”

She hesitated to give him any information about her intentions, but found herself needing to explain it, maybe for her benefit. “Yes…. I have considered it… but not because of my anger… If, I testify.. and it’s a big if.. I would be doing it in order to help him, Stefano! In my opinion….. John needs treatment, not a prison sentence. And about the divorce… I won’t be signing any papers just yet, not if it’s what *you* want me to do. But tell me something, Stefano… why does it matter to you, anyway?”

He smiled benignly, but his eyes revealed something much darker, “Oh, it doesn’t really…. I am merely curious to see what life holds in store for the two of you.”

Shaking her head, she didn’t bother to respond to the lie, “I don’t even know why I’m standing here talking to you. I have much better things to do. Goodbye Stefano!”

He watched her go, thinking about how little she still understood of his nature and his ways.

She was so far off…..

How long had it been? A month, or maybe two? She glanced at her watch. ‘Oh, stop it Marlena… admit it to yourself, you know exactly how long it’s been… One month, sixteen days, nine hours… and twenty seven minutes, so don’t fool yourself… you know you care… ‘ It made her mad, ‘No I don’t… I don’t care… I just… have to see him.’  She dreaded seeing him in such a sorry state, but it had to be done. He needed to know what she was planning.

John was lying down on his left side, with his back turned away from the door of his prison cell. For a moment or two she just stood there watching him breathe. She thought he might sense her presence but he didn’t move and he didn’t make a sound. Yet another indication of how far apart they’d grown in the past year. She sighed wistfully, wishing it could have been different, ‘Oh John…’Finally, she cleared her throat to gain his attention.

Slowly, he turned over and looked up to see what they wanted now. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? Shock registered first, and then came the pain mixed with anger. “What are *you* doing here? I thought you washed your hands of me a long time ago.”

“John… please…”

“Look, you as much as told me you never wanted to see me again, Marlena.. so why the hell are you here now… you want to rub it in? Tell me you can’t believe I fell so far? What!”

“John… stop it… I’m here because I… care about you.”

A sarcastic smile appeared on his face and his tone matched it, “Oh right… you care… tell me another story… how about you feel sorry for me… I’ll buy that one.”

“Fine… you want to wallow in self pity, you go right ahead…. I’ll leave you to it.” She turned to go and he practically jumped off the bed.

Realizing he was blowing his opportunity to make things right, John stood tall, swallowed his pride and apologized, “No… wait, please I’m…sorry… tell me why you came to see me. I’ll listen this time.”

She sighed. Maybe they could be civil after all. “Thank you…. John, I won’t waste any time on small talk. I’m here because I’ve been asked to testify….”

“Against me?”

“Yes…”

“Oh… ” The silence that followed was excruciating. Finally he asked the question for which he had to have an answer, ” You’re gonna do it… aren’t you?”

She hated to tell him, but he had to know ahead of time. It would crush him to have her appear as a surprise witness… her mind taking her back in time to Aremid, and the horrified wounded look on his face when Kristen blurted out that she thought he could have killed Tony Dimera. “I was thinking about it, yes….”

Even though he’d anticipated this moment, the pain was overwhelming. How could their love have gone so far wrong that she would testify against him in a court of law? “Great… I’m sure you’ll be a star witness, Doc… maybe you’ll even get another fifteen minutes of fame out of it… Go for it, Doctor Marlena!” he spat at her, his anger covering the sadness.

“John… I’m sorry… I know that this… hurts you… but I’m doing it because I think you need help…”

His blue eyes slightly cloudy, he argued the point, saying the opposite of what he’d intended when he thought of this inevitable meeting, “No I don’t. I needed… you, Marlena.” Maybe he had to hear her say it, to confirm his theory that any remnants of love she felt for him had long since faded.

Shaking her head, she tried to avoid going in that direction, “John…. don’t do this….”

Now he knew…. and he blew off the pain at her, wishing she could feel something different, yet at the same time recognizing that it would make the rest of his plan easier to carry out. “What… you mean you don’t want me to tell you that I still love you, Doc… that I *ache* for you every night when I go to bed alone? You don’t want to hear that my life really isn’t worth living without you? Come on, everybody needs a good ego boost now and then… tell me you don’t love it!”

Regardless of the self talk she had engaged in prior to this visit, he could push her buttons like no other, and her own anger flared, “John stop this… it was YOU… who ruined it, not me… you were the one who lied! Over and over again, you lied to me… so don’t you go trying to blame your problems on me!”

“I know that! Don’t you think I regret everything I did… don’t you think I’ve punished myself for it….”

“Yes I know that you have… you’ve been torturing yourself for months… you even went back to Stefano… Why, why did you do that, John?”

It was a long while before he answered, as he debated whether or not to tell her the truth. When he did reply, his voice was soft and low, “Because it was all I thought I was good for, Marlena…. I failed as a father, I failed as a husband, and I failed as a friend….. there was nothing left for me, Doc… and no place else to go… Besides, I figured that if I went back to him… ” He stopped, realizing how it would sound to her and decided it was better if that part remained his secret, “Oh, never mind..” he added, shaking his head forlornly and moving away from her.

“No, John…tell me… I need to understand it.”

“Alright, the truth is… I guess a part of me… thought that… sooner or later… I’d take a bullet…. and it would put an end to your misery…. I knew that if I was out of the picture permanently…. you would eventually move on… and find happiness again, with… someone else, someone who deserves to have you.”

She knew he was down on himself but this revelation shocked her and she wanted him to repeat it point blank. “You’re saying that you wanted to die….. you went back to work for Stefano because you thought you’d be killed?”

It seemed stupid and pathetic when he heard it coming out of her mouth, but he answered honestly, purposely not looking at her so as to avoid that expression mirroring pity, “Yes.”

“Oh, John…. honey… don’t you see… you need help, baby….. you need therapy…”

He shook his head. “No, it’s too late for that, Doc… “

“No, no.. it’s never too late for healing, John… “

He stepped up to the bars and yelled at her of his fate, “Don’t you GET it, Marlena… my brain is like Swiss cheese! He’s messed with it one too many times…. I don’t even have a CLUE who I am anymore, Doc!”

It was agony to see the soul deep pain in his sad blue eyes, “I know that… but maybe it’s time to find out, John…. let us help you…. let *me* help you… please…”

She seemed genuine… and for a moment his emotions got the best of him. He looked into her suddenly moist hazel eyes, searching for a motive.. “Why… after what I did to you and the family… after what you said about ending the marriage… why would you want to help me…”

“Because I….”

Realizing that he was letting himself believe again, something he couldn’t afford to do, John interrupted her and went back toward his original course.. “Oh, forget it… go, just go, Marlena! Please…. just let it go…. I did the crime, Doc… and now I have to pay. Do me one last favor and please stay out of it….”

Something about the way he said it made her suspicious and she decided to call him on it, staring straight into eyes she could no longer read with ease. “Oh my Gosh…. John… you didn’t do it!” John glanced away in the second she confronted him, alarm bells going off inside her head, “Did you…. you weren’t driving the car! Someone else was with you in the Jeep that night, and you took the blame for them, didn’t you?”

Still he wouldn’t look her in the face, his mind seemingly focused on some internal process as he shook his head. “You can’t save me, Doc… no one can… please just let this be. After all the pain I caused you and the kids, the Brady’s, you know it’s for the best.”

“No, John… it’s not for the best… not for you, not for me… not for anybody! I don’t care what you say, I know the truth now, and I won’t let you throw your life away!”

“You just said it yourself, Marlena.. it’s too late for us, I ruined it….now please, just leave it alone!”

Ignoring him, she informed him of her plans, “I’ll be right back…. I’m going to talk to Abe.”

Grabbing her wrist, he kept her from leaving. “No… don’t do that! Marlena… please listen to me… I’m asking…. no, I’m…begging you. Leave this alone. Just send me the divorce papers and I’ll sign them this time. I won’t fight you anymore.”

Snatching her hand away, she tried to get him to open up, “What are you doing, John…. this doesn’t make any sense to me?”

Now his voice was oddly devoid of emotion, “I’m doing the best I can to make things right…. please, just let me go…. cut me off, Doc… it’s the best decision you can make for yourself…. for everybody.”

She shook her head, “No…just a minute ago you were hurting…. you wanted me to say that I still cared…that we had a chance…. No, I’m more convinced than ever that there’s something you’re not telling me, John… what is it? Who are you protecting and what secret are you hiding now?”

Hard as he tried, he knew he couldn’t keep the fear of being discovered from his voice or his eyes, “You have it all wrong, Doc… I just want to give you and the kids a chance to start over and I think the best way to do that is for you to cut all ties with me. A divorce is the first step. You’ve wanted it for a long time, and I’m saying I won’t put up a fight.”

She saw something in his face that didn’t jive and she wasn’t about to leave it at that, “No….I don’t get this, John… there’s something serious going on with you. I’m sorry but I’m not willing to walk away and let it go…”

“Marlena.. whatever happens…. you just promise me… you’ll try…to work things out with Brady.. and give him the kind of guidance I could never seem to give him. I uh… I’ve made sure that you’ll get a huge settlement, Doc…. you’ll never go without anything you want. If it’s not enough, you just talk to Mickey… he’ll do whatever you need him to do.”

His tone was so final that it terrified her and she wondered if this were his way of telling her goodbye. “John, you’re scaring me… you’re really scaring me. What are you saying here?”

“I’m saying… I’m going to jail… and Brady is going to need someone to watch out for him. I know you’ll be there for Belle, but he needs you too.”

“Brady…. it’s always about… Brady!” she hissed, taking a step toward the gates that would let her out of the holding area. And then it hit her what he was not telling her. She whirled around to face him and shared her surprised conclusion, “Oh, John…. that’s it, isn’t it? He was the one…. it was *Brady* who was driving, wasn’t it? Oh my God, why didn’t I see it before…”

Stricken, he did his level best not to make any outward emotional reaction to her assertion. Other than a bead or two of sweat appearing on his forehead and raising his voice as he pointed to himself, John believed he was successful, “You’ve got it all wrong, Marlena. I was the one! I killed those people, Marlena…. your husband is a *murderer* and you have to face it!”

There was no question… she could see it in his slightly hidden eyes, his face, his body… John was lying. “No you didn’t.. but you sure did have me fooled… and Abe, Bo, Roman… the prosecutor… everybody was more than willing to believe that you were responsible. You were stone drunk, and you were in the driver’s seat with a nasty bump on your head. And because of our anger, we were prepared to let you suffer the consequences without thinking twice about it, without even considering that there could be someone else involved.”

Again he shook his head and stepped toward the lonely cot, hoping to convince her she was wrong, “Think what you want, but the evidence proves it was me…. It’s just like you said… I was drunk. I was out of control and I wasn’t listening to anybody that night. Marlena, you can’t stop this… just like you can’t undo the damage Dimera did to my head… ya can’t fix what’s… broken inside of me, Doc… nobody can. So, why don’t you stop questioning it and just… take this chance to walk away?”

She was emphatic in her opposing response to his fatalism, “Well, maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not… but I won’t let you give up… do you hear me, John Black.. I will NOT let you do this!”

He sounded increasingly desperate and it touched her to hear him beseech her to go along. “Marlena please… I failed him….I wasn’t.. the father he needed me to be… the father I promised Isabella that I would be…to him… please, Marlena.. just let me do this one thing….and then maybe… he won’t spend the rest of his life.. hating me.”

“Oh, John… honey…. you know this isn’t the way… to make him believe that you care… “

A strange voice interrupted them, “I’m sorry, Ma’am… but you’re going to have to leave now….  I have to get the prisoners ready for bed checks…. “

Breathing a sigh of relief, John tried to end the conversation, “Goodbye, Doc…. you just send those papers over…. I’ll sign em.”

Refusing to bend to his will, she stepped up to the bars once more and expressed her true feelings, not bothering to hide the tears that were welling up and trickling down her cheeks, “No, John…. if you won’t fight for yourself, I’m going to fight *for* you. God only knows why but I still…. love you.. ” As she continued, she found herself shaking with fear and the power of the love she’d been denying, “If you’re willing to… sacrifice yourself… for Brady… for me and Belle… then I know… that along with the mercenary… the man I… love….with all my…heart… is still there. He’s there inside of you…. and I’m going to *fight* for that man… “

John kept shaking his head. Taking her hands, he made one last attempt to make her understand the reality he had come to accept. His voice wavered and his lips trembled as he gazed at her with the most heroic and loving expression she had ever seen appear on his handsome face.  “Doc… oh, Doc…. I love you too…. and I’m SO sorry…. for everything… but I’m telling you… I can’t.. control him! And when he comes back out… you’ll only get hurt again. Please, Marlena… think about it… if you just let this happen.. all that pain…all that suffering I put you through…. it’ll be in the past… and then you and the kids can move on with your lives… Let me give you this one last gift… your freedom!”

With his eyes awash in tears born of guilt and sorrow, John was pleading with her to let him go, and it made her ache for him, for *his* suffering. And she realized, perhaps for the first time, what a tremendous struggle it must have been to maintain any kind of sanity with the mercenary fighting for control. All those months he was afraid to admit that the man from his past had come back to haunt him, and now he was telling her honestly that he knew he couldn’t stop that man from exerting his influence. Marlena was shaking her head, her heart torn apart with the tension that knowledge created. Suddenly, she turned away and rushed down the hall, confused by the turn of events, no longer certain about any of the decisions she thought she had made where John Black was concerned.

Roman, Bo, and Abe were sitting in Abe’s office with the door open, when they heard a familiar sound. Roman knew it instantly and identified it for the others,  “That sounds like Marlena… she must have gone down to see John to tell him about being asked to testify. Even though she pretty much ended it with him a long time ago, I’m sure that wasn’t easy. I’ll go after her…”

Bo nodded, while Abe smiled weakly and said, “Sure, Roman… we’ll be right here.” Both Abe and Bo knew his wishes where Marlena was concerned and generally supported his efforts. Abe wanted to have his old friend back, but he also wanted Marlena to find happiness again, and if Roman was the one who could give her that, Abe would welcome it. Bo was definitely rooting for his older brother’s success.

Roman nodded and went off without another word, hoping that this would be the time he made some true inroads to her heart.

Bo was shaking his head as he looked at the file of information about the prisoner on all their minds. “John… in jail and charged with vehicular homicide… what a mess he’s made of things… huh?”

“You know I never would have believed it was possible… even… six months ago, but now… there’s really no question about it, I know he’s guilty, ” Abe added sadly, sitting on the corner of his desk and staring toward the door.

Smiling almost triumphantly, Bo made a proclamation, “Yep… and he’s going down for it… John Black, inmate at the Illinois State Correctional Facility…. kinda has a nice ring to it.”

“Oh, come Bo… I know you’re angry with him and so am I, but he doesn’t really deserve that. Marlena thinks he’s not totally responsible for what’s been happening. She thinks he needs therapy to deal with the damage Stefano has done to his brain… that maybe the mercenary personality has taken control over him. “

He scoffed, “Yea… right! Another lame excuse for his criminal behavior. He’s had her on a string so long she can’t see reality anymore, Abe. “

Standing to face his friend and fellow cop, Abe argued the point further wishing it to be true, “Bo, Marlena can be objective about something like this. If she says he needs help instead of prison, I believe her.”

“No, Abe… John has changed…. there’s no doubt about it, but the blame for everything that’s happened should be placed squarely on his shoulders. He screwed up his *own* life, with no help from Dimera. HE was the one who lied to all of us, and when Marlena got angry and cut him loose, he was the one who decided to turn to the bottle for companionship. So what if he’s alone now, sitting in a jail cell wallowing in a misery of his own making. I have NO sympathy left for him, Abe!”

There was nothing more to be said. It was up to the independent evaluators and the courts to decide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Roman raced down the hallway and caught up with his ex-wife as she reached the front door of the precinct building, grasping her arm to stop her forward progress. “Marlena… wait… please… talk to me, Doc… I know you’re hurting. “

She turned part of the way toward him and it was obvious that she’d been weeping heavily. ‘Crying over John Black. Damn that selfish prick!’ He hurt her again… probably playing games with her head.

“Roman, please…..I don’t want to talk to you right now….  I need some… time,” she said, laboring to shut down the production of tears.

“Marlena… I thought you were… filing for divorce… You told me you wanted to… “

“I know what I said, Roman…. but…. things are…”

“Complicated?” he said, unable to hide a trace of sarcasm.

That wasn’t what she was going to say, but since it was accurate, she agreed, a weary sigh escaping as she replied, “Yes…. very complicated. Now please… if you care about me, Roman, you’ll let me go. I have some… thinking to do. “

“Alright….  I just hope he didn’t hurt you again.”

Her face started to change….a strange new light appeared behind her eyes, one that had been missing for a long many months and she said with a slightly bemused expression, “No…. he didn’t hurt me, Roman… he…. surprised me.”

“Surprised you…. how?” Roman asked, wondering what he could have done to affect her so powerfully after all those months apart.

Surmising that he was going to press her for more, Marlena put some distance between them and tried to end the questioning. “I’ve already said too much… please, Roman….. I have to go now. I have some…. arrangements to make.”

Now he was confused, “But, Marlena… I don’t understand… what’s this all about?”

“Later, Roman… I’ll tell you later. Trust me.”

The look on her face told him not to push her. With a discomfitted sigh, he nodded and did as she asked, “Alright…. but… please take care of yourself, Doc…”

She fully met his gaze for the first time since the conversation began. Smiling warmly with gratitude, she took his hands in hers for a moment; giving them a gentle squeeze, and said softly, “I will…. and thank you, Roman…. for being available these past several months… it means a lot that you were there for me to lean on when I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Your friendship means so much to me.”

‘Friendship….’ God how he hated when she said that word. It felt like she’d just stabbed him straight through the heart. He tried to hide his disappointment, but couldn’t quite keep himself from wincing in response to her last comment or hesitating to return the sentiment being expressed. “Me too, Doc… your… friendship means a lot to me too… I’ll uh… see you later then….”

There was nothing more to say. He finally seemed to have caught her meaning and maybe that was going to be the end of it. “Yes…goodbye, Roman.”

“Bye, Doc….” She turned away and rushed on down the steps toward her car, knowing that Roman stayed and watched until he could see her no longer. He was hurting now too, but it simply couldn’t be helped. John was still her husband and her primary responsibility was to him, especially after what had just transpired, whatever that was exactly. Marlena needed time to sort through the details of the conversation as well as the complex emotional reaction stimulated by the intense encounter with John.  Something had definitely changed for her; that was all she really knew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few minutes later, Roman was slowly entering Abe’s office wearing a bewildered and obviously disconcerted look on his face.

Bo wasted no time in going for specifics, “Roman, what happened? Did you see her, did you talk to her?”

Sitting down in the wooden chair next to the desk, Roman nodded as he worked his brain to recall the details of the interaction, having still been focused on the feelings communicated. “Uh yea… She uh… she said she needed some time… that he surprised her somehow and she needed time to think.”

“Surprised her, how?” Abe asked, his curiosity aroused.

“I don’t know…. she said she had some kind of… arrangements to make, and asked me to let her go.”

“Arrangements… what the heck is going on here?” Bo asked, wondering what she could be thinking.

“You don’t think she meant…. trying to break him out, do you?” Abe asked, afraid to even voice it.

Without thinking, Bo blurted out a response, “No, come on.. not Marlena… and John’s not…..”

Bo had stopped talking and Abe was nodding, reminding himself that things had changed drastically, “Or at least he didn’t used to be like that anyway…. Roman… you didn’t answer me.”

Fully back in the present, Roman didn’t bother to hide his anger and frustration with the situation they were facing, “I don’t know, partner… but I’m sure as hell going to find out. If John is just messing with her head… using their history….and playing on her sympathy… I’m gonna nail his ass to the wall!”

“Roman…. you have to trust her…..” Abe said strongly, understanding why Roman was upset. He thought he was making progress, but she’d just turned him away in favor of her connection to the man in the jail cell two floors below them.

“I do trust her, and I used to know what kind of man *he* was. No matter how angry and resentful I was that she fell in love with him, I finally let her go because it was obvious that he loved her with every ounce of his soul. And I *knew* that he would never hurt her. But that’s all changed now, Abe. He’ll do almost anything to get what he wants, including manipulating her into helping him get out of this mess he’s put himself in.”

His brother agreed completely, “Roman’s right, Abe…. there’s nothing we can do for John. Dimera owns his soul again…. the only thing we can do now is protect the people who still love the lying bastard.”

“No… come on… you know that the man we’ve seen.. he just isn’t the man we know. Stefano did something to him… there has to be an explanation for all of this!”

Roman cared for his friend and he knew how much it hurt Abe to think that John had betrayed them all without the direct influence of Stefano Dimera. Placing a hand on his buddy’s shoulder, he spoke evenly, calmly and convincingly, “Abe… I know you want to believe that, and I understand. He hurt you… he hurt all of us, but the fact is, John destroyed his life all on his own. Stefano had nothing to do with it this time. There’s no doubt Dimera took advantage of the situation, but he didn’t manufacture it.”

Abe Carver didn’t want to hear that. He believed in John Black, he trusted in the man’s basic goodness. Abe had stood beside him while he wept in fear that Marlena had been killed and he watched as John paced in agony, wondering where Dimera had taken her for the umpteenth time. No, he would *not* believe that the man down in the cell was the John Black he had known as well as any brother ever could. “No… you’re wrong…. both of you… he is a *good* man.. I know it in my soul… I have stood by his side when he was out of his mind with fear for her more times than I can even count, and I’ve seen him risk his life and his sanity without thinking twice about it. The John Black that I know loves her with all his heart, and what we’ve seen this past year… that’s Stefano Dimera’s doing. I’d stake my life on it!”

Roman continued to confront his best friend, cognizant that this was an important issue for all of them to resolve. “You go on… keep living in a dream world, partner. But John had choices to make, Abe… and he chose to go back to Dimera… emotionally vulnerable or not, John walked in there of his own free will..”

“Because he thought he had nothing left!”

Next it was Bo, who was much less forgiving, getting in Abe’s face hoping he would listen just this once, “Oh yea, poor Johnny Black…. rejected by everyone he loved because of HIS lies….. so he goes to Stefano for sympathy? Come on, Abe… open your eyes! He went back because he was already changing…. he *wanted* to return to that life…. Marlena kicking him out was just the excuse he needed.”

Shaking his head again, Abe kept on defending his friend, though he found it getting harder and harder as time went by, “No, Bo…. he was devastated by that! It wrecked him…. you saw what he was like back then…”

“Yea… so he drank himself into oblivion… Face it, Abe… for whatever reason, the man we used to know is gone! John Black, Salem’s hero is dead!”

There was no way they would come to agreement and Abe decided to give it up, heaving a long heavy sigh, “Maybe that’s true and maybe it’s not. But if Marlena thinks she can help him, I’m going to do everything in my power to give her that chance!”

“Fine….. but you’ll be doing it without me or Roman. I’m glad to be testifying against him! He’s going to prison, Abe… State prison and there’s not a *damn* thing you can do about it!”

Roman was silent on that matter, although he too had been called upon to testify against John Black because of his behavior the night his son was arrested for underage drinking–for the second time. It seemed at this point that both father and son were hell bent on self-destruction. Contrary to what he’d just said, Roman was uncertain as to the cause and effect relationship between Stefano Dimera and the personality changes they had all seen over the past two years or so. Maybe Bo was right… maybe John was to blame for all of it because of his own foolish choices which led him down the inevitable path to other more treacherous activities. Maybe John Black had lived the lie as long as he could carry it off, but when the past had finally caught up with him, he simply went back to that old life of his own volition.

On the other hand, maybe there was something to what Marlena had suggested previously, which was that the ruthless mercenary Stefano created inside John’s tortured and brainwashed mind had been forcing his way to the surface, reasserting himself over a long period of time. John struggled and fought him off as long as he could, resulting in the confusing, often contradictory behaviors they had all witnessed.

The more Roman thought about it, the more questions his pondering created. Was the excessive drinking just one more self destructive act committed by a guilty man well on his way back to a life of crime, or was it some desperate attempt by a ravaged mind to quell the immense torment resulting from that internal struggle for control? If it were the latter, then maybe John did deserve some empathy for his current plight. And more importantly, was the battle over? Or was it still continuing as John languished in a prison cell, awaiting trial for killing a family of four with his Jeep, while apparently engulfed in a drunken rage.

ohn Black stood with his hands tightly wrapped around the bars of his cell, watching as the woman he loved rushed off in tears, and wishing things could be different. He loved her way deep in his soul, and sometimes letting someone go was the best way to demonstrate that kind of love. It certainly seemed so in this situation.

All he had done for well over a year now was cause her pain, lying to her, being almost totally insensitive to her feelings at times, knocking her down with harsh criticisms and biting remarks that wounded her to the core. John now realized that most of it had been the work of the mercenary, but somehow that didn’t matter. The words came out of *his* mouth and he didn’t think the two of them could ever get past the damage resulting from his behavior, regardless of the source. Therefore, no matter how much it hurt him to think of spending the rest of his life without her, John believed that it was time to cut the ties between them so that she could make a fresh start, maybe with Roman Brady.

He’d heard that the two of them were growing closer again over the past few months. A very recent conversation with his friend Abe came to mind, in which he had said, “Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be…. maybe he’s what she needs….”

His own voice contradicted that idea, ‘No…no, John….you know that’s not right! She loves you…. she still loves you….or she wouldn’t have run away in tears just now…. hang on to that…..’

‘Why… even if it’s true….it’ll never work….. I just keep…. hurting her. It’s time to end it…. she deserves better than to have to deal with a man who goes through such drastic personality changes. I won’t keep putting her through that.’

When he heard the outer door clang shut, John dropped to his knees by the lonely bed. Engaging in silent prayer, he folded his hands together and bowed his head, reverently seeking God’s divine healing for all the people he loved, hoping that his plans for atonement would be enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As she raced down the seemingly endless staircase that led to the outdoors, Marlena couldn’t stop the tears from falling. A myriad of turbulent emotions swirled around inside her, wreaking havoc like a hurricane dancing along a delicate coastline….. stirring up the pain as well as the feelings of love she thought she’d buried deep inside her heart. ‘Oh, John… you confuse me so…. I thought that it was over months ago….even longer.. and now I find out… all that time…. you were fighting for your survival and I didn’t even know it. It was the mercenary who hurt me, not you, John.’

She remembered the day he revealed what had happened between himself and Hope. “I know it hurts you to be reminded but sometimes.. I’m two different people,” he had said. ‘Two different people... If it were true, it certainly explained the Jekyll and Hyde personality changes and erratic behavior she’d seen over the past couple of years. And more recently, maybe it wasn’t just the alcohol… or was the alcohol some way to mask it… an attempt to cope with the tremendous internal unrest?

‘Oh John, how could I have missed it? How could I believe that you would intentionally hurt me the way you…’ She stopped mid-sentence and corrected herself. “no…. the way *He* did…’

Looking back over the past few years, Marlena had to admit she had seen many changes in his personality, in his behavior, some subtle, some rather glaring. It started well before they were married, changes she wanted to ignore almost as much as he tried to avoid dealing with the meaning of each incident as it occurred. There were vivid flashbacks, some of them violent and other signs of his struggle with the mercenary persona, such as those periods of cold insensitivity, the episodes of blazing anger that erupted out of nowhere and the contrasting periods of brooding quiescence, and his growing inability to tolerate frustration. Why had she never pushed the issue with him…tried to get him to do something about it? Whatever attempts she did make to delve into his psyche, he casually deflected and she allowed him to distract her with gifts and romance. Instead of dealing with what was happening, they symbolically danced around the fire until they got burned. As a result, the marriage was in a shambles and John was facing a long prison sentence for a crime he probably didn’t even commit.

A friendly caring voice interrupted her silent but anxious contemplation, “Marlena… hey wait up…. are you alright?”

Surprised to see her friend Maggie, she jumped at the sound, but she was too upset to comment, answering the question instead, “No… no, Maggie I’m not alright…. I’m…confused, I’m just so… confused right now!” she cried, swiping at the tears with her outstretched fingertips.

Making a guess about what, or rather who could create such intense distress, Maggie put a hand on one shoulder and said, “Why… I thought you had things all settled. I thought you asked Mickey to draw up divorce papers so you could dissolve the marriage and start over with Roman.”

She was shaking her head and glancing back toward the precinct building, still not quite understanding exactly what had transpired a few minutes earlier, “So did I…. but now… I’m not so sure.”

Her friend had seen the effects the man had on her heart, on her life and she hated to think he was going to draw her in and hurt her all over again. She tried to be the voice of reason as she asked about the encounter she surmised had just ended, “But Marlena… he hurt you…so much. John lied to you…. over and over again… and then when you said you needed some time…. and you asked him to…. change, he turned to alcohol. And things went from bad to worse between you. Marlena…you were so sure about this earlier. What happened just now… what did he say to you… to make you feel so mixed up?”

Her face bore an expression only a man could put there and then she let out an exasperated sigh, “It’s more about what he didn’t say, Maggie… “

That was perplexing and she said so, “Marlena… I want to support you here… but you’re confusing *me* now. Why don’t you tell me exactly what happened?”

Maggie guided them toward one of the benches in front of the courthouse next door, and Marlena started talking immediately. “I went to see him…. to tell him I’d been asked to testify.”

“And?”

“And, at first he was angry… and tried to send me away…. and then he was hurt…. it seemed like he wanted me to tell me I still loved him… and then he started to act very strangely.”

“That first part seems pretty typical… so what was it he did that was so strange?”

“He changed his tune…. said he wanted to let me go, that I should cut my ties to him and just leave the trial alone… to stay out of it.”

“What did you think he meant by all that?”

“Well… I could see from looking at him that he wasn’t telling me everything… that he was hiding something. Maggie, I think there was someone else with him the night of the accident… someone he’s been protecting all this time.”

“Who?”

“Brady…. I think Brady was driving the Jeep that night and John decided that what was best for everyone was for him to take the blame.”

It was an ‘Aha’ experience if ever there were one. Maggie Horton nodded to indicate her enlightenment, “Of course…. that makes perfect sense…. John still wants to punish himself and he’s found a foolproof way to do it, getting sent to prison.”

“Yes, I think John believes that if he goes off to jail and just…. disappears from our lives, we’ll all be better off. He’s so down on himself Maggie… I asked him why he went back to Stefano. You’ll never guess what he said.”

“What?” she asked, afraid to know and yet dying of curiosity.

“He said he figured that eventually he would be killed; he thought that if he were out of our lives permanently, we would all be able to move on.”

“Oh, Marlena…. that’s terrible…. it’s so sad.”

“Yes it is… but there’s more to it… Maggie, he as much as admitted that the ‘Mercenary’ has been fighting for control all this time and that he knows he’s losing the battle. John said that he can’t control “Him” and he wants to let me go. He says he’ll sign the divorce papers now… because he wants to give me my freedom.”

“Doesn’t he want help?”

“No… he thinks he’s beyond it. He thinks that the damage Stefano has done to his brain is irreversible and therefore it’s best for everyone he loves if he’s locked away in prison. Oh, Maggie… from the way he was talking.. I think he expects to die there.”

Maggie took her friend’s hands and empathized, “Oh, Marlena… no wonder you’re so upset. You really want to help him, don’t you? And you still…”

The tears started to fall again as she stood tall, having finally said it out loud to another person, “Yes…. I do and God help me… I still love him, Maggie… I love him so….. I’ve been denying it all these months.. holding on to the anger about his betrayal… but it’s especially true now that I know it was probably the mercenary who caused most of the pain we all suffered, and that the mercenary was… hurting my John…. at the same time.”

“But how can you help him when he’s pushing you away? What are you going to do, Marlena?” Maggie asked, as she rose to join her friend.

After a moment’s pause, she answered confidently, pleased to have a plan in mind. “I’m going to look up some of my colleagues; maybe bring in an independent psychiatric evaluator, someone who can help me prove that even if John wasdriving the Jeep, he wasn’t completely responsible for what happened.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was very late at night when Roman Brady finally made it down to the holding cell at the Salem Precinct. What he found when he got there was alarming. John was curled up on the cot in a nearly fetal position, cradling his head between his hands, his body rocking slightly forward and back, forward and back. What’s more, John was muttering to himself. Roman knew that he only got bits and pieces of it, but what he heard was enough to alert him to a possibility he’d never fully considered.

“Shut up… just shut up! Stop…. please somebody make it stop! Oh, why won’t you leave me alone! You’ve won… you’ve stolen my life from me, you bastard….now just leave me alone!”

Stepping up close to the bars, Roman spoke softly so as not alarm the man, “John…. hey… John… it’s Roman…are you okay?”

The man startled and tried to pass it off as meaningless, but his body was trembling as if from the internal tension of the battle. “Oh… Roman… you uh… surprised me. I was… just….dreaming….yea, I was.. having a… nightmare… “

“No you weren’t. John… it’s much more than that…. why don’t you tell me about it….”

Sitting up, he just shook his head and looked down toward the floor, his head still in his hands as another killer headache took a stronghold. “John… it’s the mercenary, isn’t it? That’s who you were talking to just now….”

“No.. really, it was just a bad dream… I.. uh… don’t do so well with being locked up… that’s all it is. I was…having a nightmare about Aremid… about the gas chamber…. Stefano was there….releasing the gas.” He shut his eyes and summoned the emotions involved when he thought he was going to die. When he opened them and looked up, the pain behind the blue was genuine.

Roman looked closely and then shook him off, “Nice try…. I might have believed you if I hadn’t heard what you were saying, John. There’s a lot more going on inside that head of yours than you’ve told all of us, isn’t there?”

Their eyes met and the gaze was steady, Roman reading John and John guessing about the other man’s conclusions. He didn’t bother with another lie, Roman knew, and it was only a matter of time before others did. This was his best shot at turning the situation in the direction it had to go. “So… what are you… going to do?” he asked nervously, knowing the answer before it was given. Roman would likely call the one person John didn’t want involved in his mess.

“I’m going to call Marlena…. have her come to see you again…”

Knowing it was coming didn’t help. Practically leaping off the cot, John was at the bars in seconds, speaking animatedly, hoping the man would listen and honor his plea, “NO!! Please don’t tell her, Roman… this is the only way to keep her safe. You know it is…”

The man was in a state of sheer panic. She would try to help him… why wouldn’t he want that? “The only way to keep her safe… John, are you saying… you’re in here so you can… protect Marlena?”

He nodded and answered with a sense of quiet determination to stand alone, “Yes.. if I’m locked up, then I can’t hurt her anymore. Please if you care about her as much as I think you do… you won’t tell her what you saw here tonight… what you heard… “

“You mean…. if you’re in jail, HE can’t hurt her?”

John sighed mournfully, growing weary of the struggle to hide his internal strife, “Yea… I mean…no, I mean….I don’t know… I just… don’t want her to be hurt anymore than she already has been, Roman, not because of me.”

The suffering was palpable, clearly visible in the prisoner’s dim tortured eyes and for the first time in years, Roman felt true empathy for the man. “John…. listen to me…. Stefano created the mercenary. That… bastard brainwashed you, turned you into another person and forced you to do his bidding. John, if you’re…. at war inside yourself…. there’s nothing to be ashamed of… you’re not to blame for his existence or his….acts of violence.”

John fired back in self reproach, “Maybe… but I should have told her what was happening to me… a long time ago.. I should have told her!”

“Yes, you should have, John… but that doesn’t make everything that’s happened your fault….John, maybe she can help you..”

Shaking his head, John denied the possibility, “No…no one can help me now, Roman…. it’s too late; he’s just too strong… I can’t….fight him off anymore.” He was exhausted and a part of him wanted to let go…. to just… fall into the darkness, wherever it led.

Seeing an utterly demoralized broken spirit he’d never seen inside this man’s blue eyes, Roman challenged him, “Yes you can, John…. yes you can, if you let people help you, you can win this war! Or don’t you love her enough to even try?”

Near tears, John found it hard to speak, “You know I do….. but I’m so…. tired, Roman…. I’m so damn tired of fighting….every day…it’s so hard.” He didn’t say the rest of what was running through his mind. No one could know all that, no one would understand it anyway. ‘I tried to make the voices go away…and the headaches… that’s why I was drinking.. to make him go away… and then it just got… out of control… and I couldn’t stop… it just made things worse… he got stronger and stronger and I didn’t know what to do…. “I was alone… Marlena wouldn’t even talk to me… nobody would talk to me!”

“So you went back to Dimera? After everything that had happened between you and Marlena… Bo and Hope.. because of that monster… you went back to Stefano?”

“No… HE did that.. I tried to stop him, Roman…I swear I did… but I’d been drinking…. and I couldn’t…. I couldn’t stop him! And then Stefano… he just….. took over somehow.”

“John what are you saying?”

“Never mind….it doesn’t matter now anyway. You and I both know I’m going to jail for a long time. I… killed those people and I’m going to the state penitentiary.”

The man was hurting, and he wanted to convince everyone that he was guilty of that crime, but it was looking doubtful to Roman. He felt remorse over what happened, that was for certain. “No, you didn’t…. it wasn’t you, John…isn’t that what you’ve been telling me here?”

“No, Roman. I was the one responsible for what happened that night and I deserve to be punished for my crimes.”

“Crimes…. what else are you guilty of John?”

“More than you’ll ever know….. The fact is….I hurt everyone that I’ve ever loved, Roman… I’m dangerous….. and they’re all going to be better off without me, isn’t that what you and Bo think…. what you all think?”

“For awhile, yes…..I did, but I’m starting to see things more clearly now. You want us to feel that way about you. You’ve given up and you’re trying to make everyone else throw in the towel too. John, listen to me…. if you’re battling this… mercenary or… whatever he is… if it’s because of what Stefano did to you…. it’s not your fault…. you don’t have to take the fall… you can get help.. John, and people will be there for you…the family will support you.”

This wasn’t going the way he planned it and he had to quell the urge to accept the concern, the compassion the man said the others would offer, but no… he had to see this through, no matter how painful. Shaking his head, he negated the idea, “No…. it’s way too late for all of that, Roman. The damage has been done and I’m the one to blame. Roman… think about it… if you just… forget you ever came down here tonight….you have a clear shot at starting over with Marlena… I’m ancient history with her… she’s filing for divorce and I told her I wouldn’t fight her on it… And I uh.. I heard you two were… getting closer lately….”

Roman was shaking his head too, becoming increasingly confounded. “I know that….and yes we were…..but she… oh, never mind.”

“What?”

“She’s confused, John… after seeing you tonight… she’s not sure anymore. I thought you were playing head games, but now I understand what’s going on a lot better. She cares… and she wants to help you.”

It touched him to know she still loved him but he couldn’t let that deter him from making things right. With a light mist of tears in his eyes, he urged the other man to take advantage of the situation, “No… Roman, you have to go to her… and you have to convince her that what you thought was true…tell her that I’m… playing mind games… tell her I’m…. lying again.”

He was befuddled. Why would the man want him to do that, “John… what are you doing here?”

His voice was quavering with a multitude of emotions, but his courage was clearly evident. “I’m finally letting her go, Roman… you know that it’s what’s best for her…. to be free of me… to make a fresh start. If I’m out of the picture, she’ll begin to move on…. Roman, all I want… is for her to be happy again, and if I thought there was a chance in hell that it could be with me… I’d take it, but I really don’t think that’s possible anymore.” He shut his eyes and whispered his request, as a few determined tears made their way down the length of his whisker-covered cheeks. “So, you go to her… and do whatever you have to do to make her believe that letting me go is what’s right for her… and the children.”

John was handing him the opportunity he’d waited so long to have, the one he’d dreamed of, wished, hoped and prayed about, for years. So why didn’t he want to take it? All he had to do was turn and walk away, and then carry on as if this conversation had never taken place. Why didn’t he take off at a sprint to see Marlena? And why in God’s name did he have this instinctive reaction of wanting to help his rival beat that bastard Stefano Dimera? “I don’t know, John… ” he said shaking his head in uncertainty, hating the uneasiness this interaction was stimulating inside him. It was so much simpler to hate the man, to blindly condemn him for his actions. He’d half convinced himself he was the white knight saving the fair maiden from the treachery and the threat of danger posed by the black knight, who had only been pretending to care for her, and now….

Now he had compassion and empathy for the profound mental and emotional struggle the other man was enduring.

Cutting to the heart of the matter, John asked the man on the outside of the bars point blank, “You love her, don’t you, Roman…. tell me the truth… you’re still in love with Marlena, aren’t you?”

Again their eyes met, exchanging volumes unspoken about a love that would never truly die. One could not fall in love with a woman so incredible as Marlena Evans and ever really get ‘over’ her. Loving her was a forever proposition. Finally, after nodding his head and letting go of a tremendous sigh of relief to be admitting it to this man who shared that kindred bond, Roman answered the question with only one word, “Yes.”

Taking a deep breath, John steeled himself and did what had to be done, he pushed his rival to take advantage of the opening he’d been given, “Then go…. right now, don’t stop to think about it, Roman… just go to her. Make her see things clearly. She’ll listen to you….”

Roman Brady nodded and slowly moved away from the holding cell, his heart and mind in utter chaos. It was so tempting to do as John suggested, to leave and never reveal what had just taken place. He could go see Marlena, convince her that John was telling her more lies, and soon she would be back in his arms again, maybe for good. It was expedient and possibly even what was best for her in the long run. But was it right? Even if the man was pleading with him to go along, could he simply turn his back, look the other way and let John be sent to prison for something he wasn’t ultimately responsible for doing?

Roman Brady was in turmoil. Naturally, he headed to his thinking spot to make sense of the situation in which he suddenly found himself. Standing out on the pier overlooking the slightly unsettled waters of the Salem River, he let his mind go back in time, back to happier, simpler days. It had been so long since he first brought Marlena there to show her his special place. He remembered the smooth, heavenly sound of her laughter. How he missed the way she laughed at his occasionally goofy antics. It seemed like a dozen lifetimes ago.

And now, after all those lonely years of living without her, finally, he had his chance, a clean shot at Marlena’s tender, wounded heart. John had just given him that opening free and clear, actually telling him to go to her and say that her husband was lying again, manipulating her by playing on her sympathy. Roman knew without a doubt that if he did what John suggested, she would fall into his arms. She would give up on the man and let him go once and for all time. Marlena would be his again, maybe even becoming Mrs. Roman Brady one day.

“Oh, Doc… I love you so much…. I always have. I wonder… if I’d stayed…after the affair was revealed…. would we still be together?” He battled his conscience. John was in serious trouble, facing a relatively lengthy jail term for something he might not have done. And even if he was physically present and involved, it was likely that he wasn’t completely responsible for his actions. Roman knew for certain what they’d all wondered about from time to time. John was fighting the mercenary Stefano created for control of his mind and body. How could he just abandon the man to wage that war all on his own, with no one else the wiser?

The side of him that wanted Marlena at almost any cost pushed him to go with the flow, ‘He told you to forget about what you saw and heard, Roman… this is what he *wants* …so, why argue with the man? John only wants to protect her from more pain, so why not go along? This is your best shot, Roman… don’t blow it!

But it’s wrong!

Taking a deep breath, Roman left the pier and headed for the Penthouse, not entirely certain what would happen once he arrived and saw her standing there looking as beautiful as any woman had a right to be.

Less than an hour later, he was at her doorstep trying not to stare at the way her robe didn’t quite cover her ample bosom. “Oh, Roman… hello, what are you doing here?” she said, greeting him pleasantly, if somewhat surprised to see him.

Mesmerized by the way the light glistened in her eyes, he stammered at her, “I uh… well, there’s something… I need to…. tell you about.”

Her smile was even more captivating. And then she said something he didn’t quite catch, but guessed at from the way she stepped aside and gestured. “Oh… well come on in then… what’s it all about? You seem… upset or….”

Walking past her, he took a deep breath and tried to focus on the reason he’d come, “Well, it’s just that… I don’t know how to say this exactly…”

“Roman… you know me so well… surely you can be open with me,” she said as she non-verbally directed him to sit down on the couch.

She sat, he didn’t. “It’s about John.”

“Oh.” The silence was deafening and neither one knew what to do to break it. Roman finally braved it, saying quietly, “I went to see him tonight, after you left.”

“And…. “

This is it, Brady, now or never…. what are you going to do? “And, he was… acting strangely.”

“Oh… how is that, Roman?” she asked, wondering if he might have picked on some of what she saw when she went.

“Well he…. I don’t know, exactly… he just.. “

Becoming irritated, she urged him to get it out in the open, “Roman, whatever it is you came here to tell me, please just say it!”

“Okay… I think that John’s lying to you again…. I think he’s….” The words were out there and a part of him was pleased, another part wishing he could take them back..

“What, Roman…  I’ve been dealing with his lies for well over a year now…  nothing would surprise me… Whatever it is, I can handle it!”

“It’s just that…”

“Roman!”

He was staring at a wedding picture, one of she and John in front of the huge cake. It was obvious that she was overjoyed standing there next to him. How could he lie to her and risk her long term happiness out of selfishness? “Alright…. God, this isn’t how I wanted this to go…”

“You’re starting to scare me, Roman.”

Forcing his attention to the present, he began to tell her the truth, “Oh, Doc… I’m sorry… it’s just that I… I love you so much… and I wanted a chance to be with you again, you know that.”

“Yes, and we talked about that earlier…. I said I wasn’t ready….”

His sigh was audible, his disappointment not very well hidden. So close and yet so far away…. “Yes… and I came here tonight, prepared to take advantage of a situation so that you might turn your back on John for good.”

Just as she was about to come around from behind him, he turned to face her, “But I guess I must have known I couldn’t really do it… that’s why I’ve been so hesitant with you. I realized just now that I can’t go through with it. It just wouldn’t be right.”

Her confusion was written all over her face, “Roman, what in God’s name are you talking about?”

“It’s John… Marlena… I know for a fact that he’s been battling the mercenary for control… I heard him tonight… he’s hearing voices, Doc… I saw him in the middle of some kind of…. hallucination or something… I’m not sure… but he was talking to someone… inside his mind.”

She fell back onto the couch in stunned disbelief, which in itself surprised her. Her heart pounded hard against the walls of her chest and her stomach fluttered with a burst of anxious adrenaline, ‘Oh God!’ It wasn’t like she hadn’t considered the possibility, even accepted it on some level, but to hear Roman say it so plainly was overwhelming somehow. For the longest time, she sat there with her mouth agape, not saying a word. Finally, she began to gather her wits about her and started asking questions from a clinical perspective, “Roman what exactly did you see and hear?”

Deciding this might take awhile, Roman finally joined her on the couch, sitting so that he was facing her, “Well, as I came closer to the cell, I heard some muttering and I thought maybe he was dreaming, you know… talking in his sleep. But when I got up close enough to see him, John was all curled up in a ball… he was rocking…. and he was very upset…. I didn’t get all of what he was saying, but I heard him pleading with whoever it was to leave him alone because he’d already ruined John’s life.. he wanted it to stop and yelled at the person to shut up. Doc, he denied it, tried to tell me it was just a bad dream, but I know he was hearing voices. Marlena, he was talking to the mercenary, I’m sure of it.”

She gasped and her hands went to cover her mouth in a gesture that meant she was overcome by emotion. “Oh Roman….  he must be so… confused, so…frightened.”

“I guess….maybe….yea.” Strangely, he hadn’t thought of that aspect of it, but it had to be pretty scary to know there was something so seriously wrong.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he was more concerned with protecting you than he was with himself. He’s very tired of fighting it, I could see that much…. but most of all he wants to keep you safe. Marlena, he told me to say that I thought he was lying to you, manipulating you…. with this stuff… so that you would let him go and follow through with the divorce proceedings.”

The ending to their heated conversation at the jail came immediately to mind, “Oh, John…. I was right… you’re sacrificing yourself.” She started to cry just thinking about what it might be like to face a crisis like that all alone.

“You know the more I think about it…. you’re right, he’s really scared, for you, for the kids… everybody, including himself. He tried to hide it, but I could see it in his eyes, it’s like he knows he can’t win this fight and that’s why he wants to stay locked up.”

Scattered images came to mind, so many moments when it was clear he was struggling, when he lost control of his anger, and the drinking…. it was so obvious in hindsight, ‘ Oh, God how could I have been so blind? He was self medicating!’But there were so many signs along the way, the most glaring one of all being his having gone back to Stefano.  “Oh… John… I should have known…. I should have let myself *see* it… long before now… and I should have *done* something about it.”

Her ex-husband grasped her by the shoulders and looked into her worried eyes, hoping to get her focused again, “Marlena, *can* you help him? Do you really think there’s anything you can do to save him?”

“I’m not sure, Roman… but I think there is someone who knows exactly how to help him.”

He said it for her, nodding his head as he whispered the hated name, “Stefano Dimera…..”

“Yes…. Stefano, as usual, he knows a lot more about what’s happening with John than he has let on. And, I’m going to find out what that is, Roman…. ” Without a word of warning, she nearly leaped off the sofa.

He grabbed her arm as she headed toward the staircase, “No, Doc… you have to stay away from him!”

“Roman, this is John’s life and his sanity we’re talking about here, and my marriage. I won’t just let that…. monster steal all of it away without a fight. I’m going over there and you can’t stop me. Now, if you want to wait for me in the car, that’s fine, but I’m going to see him.. alone!”

He let out a breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding and said, “There’s nothing I can say to talk you out of this, is there?”

She only shook her head and looked at him with those determined hazel eyes he knew so well, both of them cognizant that he already knew the answer to his essentially rhetorical question.

“Thought so. Alright… go get dressed. I’ll wait.”

“Good man,” she said with a hint of a smile and a friendly wink to break the tension. With that she turned and raced up the stairs toward the bedroom, thinking of what she should wear to a showdown.

“Not good enough apparently,” Roman muttered under his breath as he watched her go, feeling the envy creeping back into his heart. ‘Damn you John Black… you’re locked up in jail, you’re all messed up in the head and *still* you’re the only man she can think about! Damn, what do you have to give her that I never could?

He could have sworn he heard John’s voice calling out a sarcastic reply, ‘ Well, it sure as hell ain’t about the money, Brady.’

‘Power clothing,’ Marlena thought with an odd sort of a smirk on her face, as she reviewed the contents of her walk in closet, contemplating which suit would serve her purpose most appropriately. She settled on white, the color of goodness, a fitting contrast to the darkness in the evil man’s soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was well into the evening and Stefano was relaxing in his den, listening to one of his favorite tenors when the expected guest arrived, at precisely the time he had predicted. He smiled, licking his lips in anticipation when he heard the doorbell ringing out its announcement.

A moment later, his servant was stepping into the room with an apology, “Mr. Dimera, there is someone here to see you. I know that’s it’s late but it’s Dr. Marlena Evans, and she insists on speaking with you.”

He smiled like the Cheshire Cat. “Ah. I’ve been expecting her, please show her in Illiana.”

As long as she lived, Illiana knew she would never see all of the faces, nor all of the smiles that man could wear. “Yes, Sir, I’ll show her right in.”

She walked in and sat down on the expansive leather sofa without ever making eye contact. “Welcome to my home, Marlena. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?” he asked, noticing her choice of clothing. How he admired her strength and courage in the face of often insurmountable odds. She was a woman to be reckoned with, but in the end he would emerge victorious, as always. It didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy the game, or the company.

Aware of his scrutiny, she flashed him a look that was a cross between a smile and a frown and then spoke pointedly, “Oh, please….cut the sweet talk, Stefano, you’ve been waiting for me to arrive. So, let’s not waste any time.”

While pressing the button on the remote to turn down the sound, he moved to the chair that was closest to the sofa, and was equally business like in his response to her, “Alright… please enlighten me. What is on your mind, Marlena?”

“I think you know…. “

He shook his head and denied it, “No, I do not. I should think we said all there was to say when we bumped into each other the other day along the waterfront.”

“Bumped into each other, hardly…” she muttered. Leaning forward, Marlena stared him down, “No… I think that was just the beginning and the conversation went exactly as you planned. So, why don’t you want John and I to get a divorce? I should think you’d be jumping with joy if we ended our marriage.”

“Oh, Marlena… you are so cynical now. John has hurt you terribly for this to be the result. “

She winced at the truth in his conclusion. It was correct, mercenary or not, the man inside the body of one John Black had caused her immeasurable pain. “Yes, he has, but that’s beside the point. Why don’t you want us to divorce?”

It was all he could do to keep the satisfaction from his face and his voice as he attempted to answer without giving her any information, “As I told you, I am merely…. curious to see what might happen between you. That is all, Marlena. I have no ulterior motives.”

She scoffed, stifling a laugh, and leaned back in an attempt to release some tension. “Stefano, with you there is *always* an ulterior motive. But, for the sake of argument, let’s say that it’s true in this case. I need other answers….”

“About, what?”

“About John… of course.”

He nodded, finding himself captivated, indeed envious of the vigor of her protectiveness for a man who had caused her an inordinate amount of pain through the years. “Oh, well I’m not sure I can help you, but I shall indeed try to shed some light on the situation. It must be very disconcerting for all of you. Tragic really… A man who was admired and so well respected falling out of favor like that… facing a long prison sentence for…. murder is it?”

“Vehicular homicide to be exact,” she corrected with vehemence. Her anger was increasing by the moment and she wished she could smack the smug expression off his wicked face. “And, I can feel your sympathy, Stefano…. why don’t you try calling it what it is? You’re gloating over his misery! You orchestrated the entire scenario and now you’re celebrating his downfall, aren’t you?”

His reply was even, but there was an underlying hint of resentment, “Marlena, I did not force John to become intoxicated on a regular basis, nor did I cause him to get behind the wheel of car while in such a state. He did that all on his own.”

She couldn’t take it any more, she had to stand up and walk around in order to harness her frustration with his evasiveness, “Yes, technically that’s an accurate statement. You weren’t standing there with a gun to his head and pouring the alcohol down his throat, that’s true. But you might as well have been, Stefano… after what you’ve done to him… to his mind, and his….spirit.”

Rising to face off with her, Stefano reminded her of an important fact, gesturing to indicate there were no bars on the doors, no dungeon in which the man in question was held captive, “Marlena, he was not my hostage. John came here….. to me, of his own accord. “

This man was maddening and she wondered if she could restrain herself as long as necessary to finish the conversation. Stepping closer she faced off with him, “Correction… your *mercenary*returned to you…. because you wanted him back. John is so confused right now.. and scared. He won’t admit it to me, but it’s true. He told me….that he can’t control the mercenary. “

That was shocking. He didn’t think John would reveal himself so openly to her after all that had happened between them. And the fact that the mercenary would allow it to occur was unsettling at best. “Oh, that’s quite fascinating indeed. And just exactly who is this.. mercenary to whom you keep referring, Marlena?” he asked, feigning a lack of concern or interest in the issue, but turning away slightly so she couldn’t read his face.

Now she was losing it. Stepping around to ensure she could look him in the eye, she called him on it, “Oh, Stefano… don’t even *try* to pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. The mercenary you trained him to be! The mercenary who would lie, cheat, steal, even kill for you…. you wanted him back at your side, so little by little you plotted and schemed, until you made it happen.”

Again, he feigned indifference, refilling his a drink as a distraction technique, “Marlena… I have no idea what you are referring to… if John has some sort of… dark side… that he calls the mercenary, or what have you… that is none of my doing. Isn’t there a name for it….I believe your former sister-in-law suffered from it… what is it? Ah, yes… multiple personality,” he finished, staring straight into fiery hazel eyes. His strategy was working. She was furious, but she had nothing more with which to challenge him. Now she would shout at him in condemnation and leave. It was glorious to know his adversaries so well.

That was it. He wasn’t going to tell her anything. She knew she should leave, as her fear was starting to take over for the anger she was felt when she learned of John’s predicament. Her voice started out strong but began to quaver as she continued, and tears filled her worried eyes, “You make me sick! He is over there in that jail cell… willing to let me go… because he’s afraid he’ll hurt me again, because he knows the mercenary won’t let him be happy with me… and it’s all because of you… and what you’ve done to his mind, to his…. heart. Haven’t you hurt him enough Stefano…. Why? Why do you hate him so?” Her eyes awash with unshed tears. It took every ounce of strength she owned not to completely break down in front of him, but she vowed never to give the bastard that satisfaction.

He sighed in response. Her dignity and grace under pressure were to be admired, but he was largely unaffected, “Marlena… I do not hate him…. or I wouldn’t have allowed him to live in my home.”

If she had a weapon she could have used it, wiping this selfish bastard off the planet. Instead she exploded verbally, lashing out at him, “But you don’t care! You used him…. over and over you’ve abused and manipulated  him… and now… when he’s of no more use, you just cut him off…. leaving him all alone to fight for his sanity, without an ounce of compassion for his suffering. Oh, how I *hate* you!” she screamed, slamming the palm of her hand against the decanter of brandy, sending it flying across the room.

His eyes followed the bottle, which strangely did not break, and its contents as they splattered the carpet and the walls, but he answered quietly, as if he had not even noticed. “As I said, John is solely responsible for his current situation. I am truly sorry for his pain, but there is nothing I can do for him.”

Breathless with helpless rage, she said her final piece, “Fine… you turn your back, but one day it’ll all come around to haunt you, Stefano. One day… you’re going to die… and then you’re going to rot in hell for what you’ve done to him… to all of us!”

He had no reply, but his dark menacing eyes issued a silent challenge. ‘We shall see, Marlena, we shall see.’

She turned and left him alone, realizing once again that talking to him was essentially a worthless endeavor. The outcome was always the same. He would give hints meant to taunt and torture his desperate victims. Often, it was just enough to bring them to him begging for answers, but never enough to use against him.

The church was sparkling clean and festively decorated for Christmas. Fresh flowers on every flat surface, creamy white Orchids and bright red Poinsettias. Candles of red, green, gold, and white everywhere the eye could see. Their flickering flames cast a soft glow about the sanctuary as the occupants took great pleasure in seeing a happy couple preparing to spend the rest of their lives together.

The groom was beaming as he took the hands of his bride and spoke from his heart, “Marlena Evans, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, in every sense of the word, inside and out. And I love you, I never stopped loving you. That’s no secret and somehow I knew that one day we’d be standing here again, ready to exchange wedding vows. You are the only woman I have ever loved with all of my heart and all of my soul.”

She smiled through her joyful tears, touched by his sentiments, “Oh, Roman…. thank you….I love you too… and you’re right, we were meant to be together. I’m so sorry for all of the mistakes I’ve made and the years we missed. You’ve forgiven me for hurting you and you’ve been such a wonderful friend to me all these years. And now, we’re going to be husband and wife again. I’m so happy!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The banging sounds made by the metal doors jarred the dreamer out of his troublesome slumber. “No… no….” It took him a minute to realize where he was and what was happening. His heart was pounding and his forehead beaded with sweat from the rush of adrenaline fueled by his reaction to the content. Reality smacked him in the face as his eyes settled on the concrete walls and the bars standing between himself and the rest of the world. Laboring to sit up, his aching back making it difficult, the prisoner performed a mental review of what he’d just seen inside his mind, somehow not realizing he was saying it out loud, “That was just a dream, but sooner or later, it’s going to happen for real, John. Might as well get used to the idea. It’s over, you’ve lost her, and eventually she’s going to become Mrs. Roman Brady again.”

“One would think *She* might have something to say about that.”

John jumped at the sound of her voice, nearly falling off the poor excuse for a bed. He was positively shocked to see her standing outside his cell first thing in the morning and his flustered reaction was completely natural, “Woah, Marlena…what are you…doing here?”

She wasted no time in getting to the point of her early visit, “How could you do it, John?”

“Do what, kill that family?” he said, being purposely evasive, not looking at her.

“You know perfectly well what I meant John, now why don’t you stop playing games and answer my question?”

He sat up, still not meeting her gaze, even though it felt as if she were looking right through him, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Marlena…. “

“Stop it, just stop it, John! Roman came to see me last night. He told me everything.”

Trying to sound like the jilted lover, he looked up and said, “He did…. well, then I suppose you came here to tell me that it’s over, just like I was saying. The two of you are getting back together.”

“No… I mean he told me *everything,* John… what he saw when he came down here last night, what he heard you saying, what he thought it meant.”

“Oh….” He closed his eyes and then looked away. ‘Got to give the guy points for honesty. Damn, should have known he’d take the honorable path this time around.’

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

His response was barely audible, “I’ve been.. trying….  nobody was listening.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry… I was so hurt, so angry with you, that I… pushed you away and turned a blind eye, and a deaf ear. “

“I know…. I’m sorry too, for all the pain I’ve caused you….” He stopped talking for a second, thinking again that he should force her to let go. It was harder now that she knew, but it was what had to be done. Only problem was, it would be even tougher to convince her; he recognized the look in her eye and the expression on her beautiful face. The woman he loved was swiftly becoming the determined and compassionate psychiatrist ready to help a patient face his demons. “You can still walk away, Doc.. just turn your back, right here, right now.. and you’ll be free of me.”

Shaking her head, she negated that suggestion, “No, I am *not* going to turn my back and walk away from you, John. Because I love you.”

He stood up and met her gaze squarely and then gave it his best shot, passionately telling the truth as he saw it, “Loving me has cost you *far* too much, Doc…You’ve let your heart rule where I’m concerned and it’s caused you nothing but pain and suffering. For once, Marlena, do what your head is telling you to do. Leave me here, let justice run its course and I’ll be gone. Then you and the kids can start a new life.”

Grasping the bars tightly between her hands she denied him, again shaking her head as she spoke vehemently, “No… no, NO, I will not do that! You can not make me leave…. I know that you’re confused and…frightened… and you think that your being locked away is what’s best for me… but I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong, John…”

Sighing wearily, he continued to fight what he knew would be a losing battle to get her to give up on him, “It IS what’s best, whether you see that or not! It’s the only way I can be sure that you’ll be safe. I can’t let him hurt you anymore.”

“Talk to me, please, John… talk to me.”

He stared at her, longing to turn back time, to make their lives take different curves so that they wouldn’t ever come to this breaking point. That gorgeous face, and those captivating hazel eyes were filled with loving concern he knew he couldn’t accept, because in the end, he would only break her heart. “What do you want me to say, Doc?”

“I want you to tell me what’s going on inside *your* head, John. Tell me about the voices.”

She was watching him closely to monitor his reaction. He shut his eyes tight and almost fell backward onto the cot that had been his bed for two nights running. Bail had been denied and today was the day he would be transferred to the county facility while awaiting trial. He didn’t reply and he was sitting so still that it worried her. Marlena could almost hear the wheels of his mind turning. John believed that if he could make her leave now, she probably wouldn’t visit him there. “John… don’t you even try to lie to me… and don’t think that you can send me away with some…. angry outburst. I’m telling you right now that it won’t work. I *love* you and I am *not* leaving you to face this alone.”

Suddenly, he was trembling and she could hear his breathing change. It sounded like he was crying. “Honey… look at me.” His head was down, held in his hands, and he continued to quietly weep, but said nothing.

Marlena rushed out to get one of the guards, pleading with him to let her into the cell. Abe came along at just the right moment and seeing how distraught she was, allowed her and his friend this one special favor. It was the least he could do.

Barely able to control her own emotions as she waited for the guard to open the door, she raced to him, kneeling down in front of him. Waiting for a moment or two before saying anything, she placed her hands on his shoulders, then slowly moved them to cover his hands, gently nudging him to take them away from his face. “John…. baby, please look at me. I want to see you.”

At last, he did as she requested, his blue eyes flooded with tears, his face displaying a myriad of emotions she wasn’t sure she could read. “John, why are you crying?”

His lips quivered and his voice was soft and low, thick with the confusion and conflict he was experiencing, “Because I don’t….deserve you, Marlena. I’ve hurt you *so* badly… and I don’t understand… why you would… want to… help me…. how you can still…. love me.”

Gently taking his hands in hers, she began to weep right along with him, for his pain as well as her own, understanding all of it better than she had thought possible before this moment. “Oh, John…. yes you do, honey… you are so good, so loving, so kind and caring. I should have realized that it wasn’t you…. I should have known all along that the mercenary was influencing you to a much greater extent than we all thought. I should have believed in *you,* the man I know as well as I know myself, the man I love with all my heart.”

He swiped at the tears with the backs of his hands, wanting to explain it, grateful that she even cared. “I tried, Doc… I tried to fight him… I swear I did… and I wanted to…tell you… a long time ago, but I was just so…. afraid that I would lose you.” Shaking his head, he made a confession, as a truth came to him, “And… I was too damn stubborn to admit it myself… to admit it to you. And then all of a sudden… I didn’t have control anymore, Doc.”

“I know, I know you did, honey…. Looking back.. I realize there were many times that you were trying so hard to face it and talk to me about it. Like at the restaurant when you said you didn’t know why you kept arguing with me when you didn’t want to… and then when you were at the jail, fighting with Roman… I saw you come out of some sort of a trance like state… My God, I should have made you face it…. should have let myself face what was happening. But, instead of helping you, I let my anger and my irrational fear for Belle overshadow my concern for you.”

“It’s okay…. “

“No, honey, it’s not okay. It’s what I do for a living. The truth is I’ve realized for quite some time that something was horribly wrong, even since the trip to Paris, and that you needed help, but I did nothing. I tried to convince myself that it was something you could work through on your own…that it was temporary and fleeting….and it would be okay. But I knew better, John… I *knew* better.”

It was just like her to blame herself… With the pads of his thumbs, he wiped away some of her escaping tears and took it on himself, “No… it’s not your fault, Marlena… none of this is your fault. Not even what happened with Brady. I was the one to blame for all of it. God, I was so… cruel to you. “

They’d been down this rough road before and it led to nothing but more damage to the foundations of their relationship. “You know what, John… I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to assign blame and figure out exactly who did what to whom and when…. that’s not important right now. What’s important is you, and what’s happening inside of you. I love you, and I want to help.”

“I love you too, Doc… so much.”

“I know you do, baby…..”

There was a long period of silence, neither one knowing what else to say. She cupped his rugged, stubble covered cheeks between her hands and gazed into moist blue pools of blue. “Please, honey.. it’s nothing to be ashamed of…. needing help.”

He nodded but still said nothing. This wasn’t how it should be going down. He was supposed to send her away, but he had no strength left. The tears started to fall again, dropping one by one on his flushed red cheeks, as he faced the fact that he needed her too much to do what he believed was right for her.

“Honey, what is it now….”

“I had this all planned, Doc. I thought that if you… came back here, I could….make you….hate me, that I would… say something horrible to get you to leave…. because I really believed that letting me go was what was best for you. But I can’t…. do it… I….need you, Doc… I need you so much!”

Leaning over, she took him in her arms and held on tight, realizing that she needed him as much as he needed her. Her tear choked breath catching in her throat she told him as much, “I know….. I know you do and I feel the same way, John. I’ve missed you so…..”

He was shaking his head, filled with remorse for all his mistakes, “I’m sorry for that too…. Oh, I should have….”

“Honey… stop… it’s alright, I understand now.”

He drew back, holding her at arm’s length, “Do you? Because I sure as hell don’t! I don’t understand *any* of this, Marlena…. The words that came out of my mouth…. God, and the things I did…” He was shaking his head again, lost in thought. And then he looked at her as if his very survival depended on her believing what he was about to tell her. “I would be…  standing there… talking to you… and it was like.. I was.. outside of my body… just watching myself… hurting you… hurting *so* many people… but I couldn’t DO anything to stop him! How is that even possible, Doc?”

“I don’t know, John… I don’t know.. but we’ll never find out if you hide yourself away… if you keep drinking. You’ll kill yourself.”

His eyes filled with tears as the images forced themselves to the surface… the screeching of tires, the smell of blood, and terrified cries for help he couldn’t give echoing inside his tortured mind. “Or someone else….it’s too late, Doc… I already did….”

“No, no you didn’t, John… and you *know* that, don’t you? You weren’t responsible for what happened, were you?”

“I don’t even know…. I can’t….separate it all out in my mind anymore. My head is such a mess, Doc… my *life* is such a mess!”  Talking about it reminded him of just how desperate his situation was.

The change in his demeanor was abrupt. He pulled away from her and stood up, leaning his back against the interior wall of his jail cell, his arms crossed in front of him. “Look, I’m really tired.. and I want to catch a little more sleep. They’ll be coming to get me pretty soon…to uh… take me over to the county jail. Because of everything that’s happened, they have to put me in… shackles and chains, and I don’t… want you here to see that, so… you should go. “

It made her cry to think of him being restrained that way… and she didn’t want to see it, but she had to let him know, to make him accept the fact that she was not going to abandon him. “No… I’m not going anywhere. No matter what you do or say to me now, I know the truth. I know that all those things you said and did this past year, all those things that hurt people and confused them… it wasn’t you, John. It was the mercenary Stefano created…he took over and *He* hurt all of us, including you.”

Suddenly, he was angry, his frustration flaring as he thought about what was ahead for him, and for her if she stayed. Moving back and forth across the length of the cell, he spelled it out for her, his increasing agitation clearly discernible, “Don’t you GET it, Marlena? It doesn’t matter! I’m going to prison for killing that family. I was angry…out of control… I got drunk, I lost control of the Jeep, and I killed two children and their parents, Doc! And there’s no jury in the world that would believe this crazy story we’re laying out. Stefano’s been pardoned of all his crimes, he didn’t hold me hostage to make me do those things.  Face the facts, Marlena, no matter what we believe *might* have happened, there’s no evidence to back it up. Dimera made sure of that! I’m going down, Doc… and there’s nothing you, or anyone else can do to save me! Dammit, just cut your losses and walk away!”

“You’re wrong, John! It *does* matter. I know you weren’t responsible for what happened, and I’m going to prove it!”

“How, Doc… how can you help me?” he asked, cognizant that in the act of asking the question, he was allowing himself a tiny glimmer of hope. And he had learned long many years ago from the Master of his fate, that hope was his enemy; it was the very thing which would destroy him.

“You’ll see, it’s better if you don’t know what I have planned. Guard… I’m ready to leave now.”

Seconds later he was watching as the metal door clanged shut behind her, leaving them separated again. With tears in their eyes, they held hands and said goodbye. “John, you listen to me…. please don’t lose faith…. I *will* find a way to help you, I promise you that much.”

He sighed with a strange sense of relief. John was resigned to her involvement and it pleased him to gaze into the eyes of the woman he loved and see the fierce look of commitment to his cause. “You don’t ever give up, do you, Doc?”

Shaking her head, she squeezed his right hand and said, “Don’t you know me well enough by now, to realize that once I have my mind set on something, there’s just no changing it?”

” I guess I should….”

“Yes, you should… now, I will come to see you very soon… I love you, very much.”

“And I love you… I suppose this means the divorce is off ?”

“Yes…. I believe it does at that…. “

John flashed her a trademark playful grin, coupled with a wink, and said while running the back of his hand across his forehead, “Whew, I didn’t want to have to give up the tennis courts and the riding stables… that’d be a real bummer.”

She laughed and said while shaking her head in wonder at his ability to joke in the face of such difficult circumstances, “You… are incorrigible, John Black…. but then again, I think we both knew that already.”

“Yep… can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Gee, now where have I heard *that* before?” She smiled at him but didn’t give him time to answer. It seemed as though it was several lifetimes ago. Incredibly, those days were relatively simple by comparison.

He watched her go until she was out of his line of sight, then went back over to lie down to get a little extra rest. ‘Well, John Black… you are one lucky man, you know that?’ Thankfully, it was his own voice talking to him, telling him that everything was going to be alright eventually. When Marlena was there with him, she made him feel like anything was possible. It was going to take a lot of hard work, facing his demons, sifting through the pain his alter ego’s actions had caused. She would help him do all that and somehow some way, they would be together and happy again.

Marlena believed it, why shouldn’t he?

The change was rapid.

She was gone and he was lost and alone in a desolate wilderness. It was dark and cold, and the comforting light of hope faded away. He was left to face those demons that lurked inside him, the fear and the doubt that crept up from somewhere deep within, enveloping his wounded heart.

The voice of darkness returned as two uniformed policemen came to get him. He heard it as the clinking of chains reverberated inside his tormented mind, taking him back through his tortured past…..  ‘John, John, John.. when will you ever learn? You were right to try and make her leave, because you will never be free of me. You are my Pawn, now and forevermore. You must face the fact that it is your destiny to be under my control. She cannot help you, no one can.’

They were holding two pairs of iron shackles and chains to be placed around his wrists and ankles.

The prisoner shuddered as they opened the door and stepped inside the cell. His eyes were shut tight, his head tilted slightly back, his trembling hands balled into fists at his sides, his breathing uneven. The two young men assigned to prepare him for transport, approached him warily as they glanced at each other, both of them wondering what came next.

Early on, whenever he heard Marlena say that the accident wasn’t John’s fault, Abe recalled a confrontation he’d with the man at a local bar, one John wouldn’t normally have frequented. Abe only knew he was there because the bartender, who was a former cop and knew both men, sensed trouble brewing and called him. The incident took place a few weeks prior to the fatal car accident involving his best friend’s black Jeep Grand Cherokee and a white Toyota Camry bearing a family of four, all of whom were killed.

Sitting at his desk, thinking about what he’d seen and heard of Marlena’s time with John a short while ago in the holding cell, the memory returned.

“Hey..Abe.. I’m glad you’re here…. meet my new bessh friend… Hissh name’s Jose….” John managed to say in slurred speech, holding up the bottle of Tequila he’d somehow gotten a hold of when the barkeep was a few feet away from him, serving another patron..

‘This is pathetic!’ Heaving a battle weary sigh, Abe Carver managed to hoist his friend off the bar stool and essentially drag him out the door and toward his vehicle. “John… you have to stop this…. you must know that.”

Suddenly, the pleasant drunk was angry, his eyes full of fire, as he yanked himself out the other man’s grasp. ” No I don’t… I don’t HAVE to do anything! I’m alone now, remember… no wife, no kids to raise, and I’m filthy rich. I can do whatever the HELL I want, partner!”

“Fine… you want to destroy your life, you go right ahead, but I’ll be damned if I let you take someone else with you. I’m taking you home, John, no arguments or I’ll have you arrested.”

“For what?” he said, his tone daring the man to do it.

“Oh, let’s see, drunk and disorderly for starters. I’ll think of some others, enough to keep you locked up for the night anyway.. Don’t push me, John.”

His blue eyes turned to ice, but he relented, like maybe he suddenly felt lost and in need of a helping hand. He said nothing and went along for the ride, thankful later on that he hadn’t gotten sick in his buddy’s car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thinking back on it, it was almost like John was saying, ‘What the hell do I care? Do whatever you want with me. I don’t have a home anymore. And a lonely hotel room is a very poor substitute.’

Hard as he tried, Abe couldn’t get that night out of his mind. He had taken his friend home and settled him into his room at the Salem Inn. Abe couldn’t help but wonder. If he hadn’t showed up, would John have driven in that condition? And was the conversation he’d had with the man he’d known for fifteen years, or was it the mercenary persona he was talking to that night ? And if so, how should the law look upon the tragic incident? Was John responsible and should he be held fully accountable for the actions of his alter ego, or should he be given the psychiatric help Marlena so strongly believed he needed?

Sooner or later, Abe knew he was going to end up with a subpoena, and each time he thought about testifying against John in a court of law, he felt the bile rise up in his gut. How he could ever be forced to play an integral role in sending one of his best friends to prison was beyond his ability to comprehend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His breathing was increasingly rapid and shallow, and no matter how hard he tried to slow it, he couldn’t. The mercenary was preparing for a fight and there was nothing he could do about it. John felt himself slipping away, his shaking hands the only evidence of his continued efforts to stop what was essentially inevitable.

There was something strange in the air, a kind of kinetic electricity. The two officers just new this guy was going to go off on them. His eyes were shut and his hands, balled into tight fists, trembled at his sides. They’d heard stories about him, how he could suddenly change and become this adrenaline fueled fighting machine. Before they could scream for help, it happened.

He was all over them, fists flying, swear words their only response as they tried to fight him off and regain control over the situation. They yelled and help arrived, but not until all three of them were battered and bloody. It took five more men to subdue John and get him into the cuffs and leg irons.

There was a distinct moment during the struggle in which he stopped flailing and appeared to have some recognition of what he was doing. Then his eyes rolled back in his head and he wavered, his eyelids fluttering wildly. To those who’d seen one before, it looked like he was having some kind of seizure and it was fairly clear that he posed no further threat at the time. Nevertheless, still wary of him and respectful of his physical prowess, they stood back and watched the scene unfold.

Shortly thereafter, the man collapsed and fell to the floor. Even seeing that the prisoner was near unconsciousness at that point, they approached him cautiously. Four men lifted and set him on the cot, and they locked the cell, planning to have a physician check him out as soon as possible. A psychiatrist was also to be consulted. It was fairly obvious that something serious was going on with the man, something beyond the ordinary.

Roman came in a few seconds before the bizarre episode. He stared at the man in the cell for the longest time after the collapse, and then finally shared his conclusion about what he’d witnessed. “Abe, that’s the same look, I’d swear to it! That was almost *exactly* what happened that night after the brawl at Tuscany. His head went back and he was just staring blankly at the sky like he had no idea what was going on around him. When he looked back at us, he seemed confused and he almost collapsed. I think he would have if we hadn’t slapped the restraints on him so quickly and hustled him inside. I don’t think he can control it, Abe. I’d say it was the mercenary who tried to escape, not John.”

All Abe Carver could do for the moment was sigh wearily and nod his head in agreement as he watched the others tending to his friend’s wounds. He hated to face the reality of the situation, that John was engaged in a losing battle for control of his mind, with some kind of fighting, killing machine created by Stefano Dimera.

They ended up calling for paramedics, as one of the officers needed to go into the hospital. No sense taking any chances. John was bruised up, pretty much all over his body, one eye nearly swollen shut, but no one was about to suggest they try to force him into an ambulance. The paramedics patched him up and the doctors would see him later. A trip to the hospital, if deemed necessary, would come when they were sure he was calm enough to go willingly.

As he laid there, fading in and out of consciousness, he was vaguely aware that his best friend was nearby. “John… can you hear me?”

No response. “John, it’s Abe, we’re trying to figure out what’s happening with you. Can you talk to me?” he asked, placing his hands on John’s shoulders, his touch light and reassuring.

His eyes opened, not wide, but enough that they could see some level of recognition. His lips moved but no sound came out. John seemed confused, almost bewildered to be looking up at them.

“Do you remember anything about the past half hour or so, John?”

He shook his head at first, and then something registered in his brain. His wrists and ankles were enclosed in bands of metal attached to heavy chains. He tried to sit up, but pain stopped him and a soft groan escaped his mouth, “Oh, no….”

Abe helped him ease himself into a half sitting position, saying quietly, “Take it easy, buddy…” He waited a moment or two, until he was sure John was alright physically and alert enough to converse. “Oh no, what, John?”

“He…. I….” John stopped, shaking his head and breathing hard, as if he didn’t know how to express what he believed had taken place. “We….oh… dammit, there was a fight, is that… what happened?” he finally managed to say, obviously very frustrated and struggling to speak to them.

Roman and Abe exchanged glances, realizing that it seemed Roman was right about what occurred, then Abe answered his friend, “Yes, there was a terrible fight, John. You tried to escape. It took more than half a dozen men to subdue you.”

Again, John shook his head and muttered, “No, it was him….I tried… tried to stop him… but I couldn’t… too strong… he’s just too strong now.” He sounded so worn out and defeated it made Abe’s heart ache for the other man’s suffering. John flopped back on the pillow and his eyes went shut again.

“John, we’re going to help you. I promise, we understand a lot better now, what you’ve been dealing with, and we’re going to help you.”

“Too late… it’s too late…I’m going to prison….”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Watching through the two way mirror felt like a not so well justified version of voyeurism. Marlena hated that he didn’t know they were present, watching him being interviewed. It felt wrong and a wave of nausea worked its way through her belly as they sat down to observe a portion of the comprehensive psychiatric evaluation with the independent evaluator Marlena had brought in to see John.

“Alright John… now that we’ve finished up with the basic information about you and your….situation here, I want you to tell me the truth about something very important. You said before that you’ve never been much of a drinker. Why did you start drinking so heavily this past year?”

“Why do you think…. to numb the pain of what was happening between us….”

“Between you and your wife, Marlena…”

John nodded but didn’t look at the other man. He hated having to spell everything out for the guy, even if he did understand that it was all part of his defense.

“Did it work?”

“Sometimes….”

“And… what about other times?”

He sensed the agitation starting again, the restlessness, and he stood up, feeling the need to move around. “It didn’t… it just made things worse I guess….I don’t know.”

“Yes you do…”

“Look, what do you want from me?” John said, suddenly angry.

“I want you to talk to me, so that I can help you, John. I’m convinced that some of your actions can be explained in a way that could make the court more sympathetic to your case. Now, how did it make things worse between you?”

Letting out an exasperated sigh, John gave in, if only to get the danged thing over with as quickly as possible, “Alright….. she wouldn’t see me when I was drinking, didn’t want me around the kids. She said I got mean when I drank.”

“Okay… and was she right?”

“Yea… I didn’t *want* to treat her badly… I guess it just…affected me more than I thought it did.”

“Alright…so then you were alone and you drank to numb the pain of the loss. Now, what’s the other reason?”

The anger flared, but the sadness filtered through, as he paced back and forth across the room. Like so many men, John Black covered his pain with anger. Anger felt powerful. “Isn’t that good enough… it hurt like *hell* being apart from her! I loved her, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to get her back! After awhile… she wouldn’t even *talk* to me!”

“I know that you were hurting… a lot, but don’t forget. I’ve read the files and I know your history. John, you’ve been through some *extremely* painful experiences in your life…. and you’ve never turned to alcohol before…. why this time?”

“So what…. I changed habits… what’s the big deal?” he said, discounting the significance of his choice.

The psychiatrist observed his patient closely. He was becoming increasingly edgy, not able to sit in a chair, a sure sign they were hitting on something important.

“Well, it’s just that from talking to you and Marlena, and some of your friends.. I think maybe there’s another reason for your drinking…. one you haven’t shared with me yet.”

John hated being pushed and issued a challenge of his own, “Yea… so you’re the great psychiatrist from DC!” John shouted and stared him down, leaning over the man and hoping his physical size alone would make the doctor back off, “You think you know so much about me, about my life….. Why don’t you tell ME!”

Remaining calm in contrast to his patient’s obvious agitation, the Doctor stayed seated and said quietly, “Because I think you need to hear yourself say it, John… Why don’t you try?”

Clearly the man wasn’t sure if he should take the risk and trust that he would be believed, let alone hope that the help he so badly needed would follow. He paced and he sighed, and seemed to search inside himself.

It was a long wait for both of them, when at last, letting out a long slow breath, John began to reveal himself,  “Alright… alright… if you have to know… I did it.. because I thought it would… make HIM go away…”

“Who John? Who did you want to go away?”

“Him…. you know… the mercenary… Stefano’s mercenary… the man that *bastard* forced me to be! “

“Did it work, John?”

“Sometimes…..or I thought so at first, but mostly…. looking back on it… I think it only made him stronger. “

“Will you tell me about him?”

Suddenly and unexpectedly he felt trapped, like he couldn’t breath. John started to shut down again, breathing harshly, shaking his head in sharp movements and sounding panicked, “No… no, I can’t…. I.. I…can’t… do that.”

Now was the time to force the issue, and the Doctor raised his voice, “John, if you don’t, you’re going to prison on four counts of aggravated vehicular homicide and that’s only one of the charges. In this state, that alone could mean at *least* ten years in jail. In combination, you could spend somewhere in the vicinity of twenty years in the Illinois State penitentiary. Is that what you want, John? Do you *want* to go to prison?”

The man wasn’t even looking at him anymore, leaning as he was against the wall opposite the two-way mirror in full view of the observers. From the woeful expression on his face, it was likely John Black was lost in the memories of what he had done to the family of four who had the misfortune of driving along the same stretch of highway with him and his Jeep on that fateful night. He was guilt ridden and probably believed he deserved whatever punishment the state saw fit to dole out. It was clear to the evaluator that John would have gone down without so much as a whimper of protest if it weren’t for the steadfast faith of his almost ex-wife, Marlena Evans. Shaking his head as he thought of all that he’d learned about the relationship and where it had been headed recently, Dr. Joel Stevenson wished he had a love like that. Thus far, he’d only seen glimpses of the real John Black and had some sense of what she saw in the man, but nonetheless, her ongoing loyalty was admirable at the very least.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Oh, John… all this time…. ” Do you see… Abe, Bo, Roman… do you hear that…. all this time he’s been struggling for control, he’s been fighting so hard…”

“Meaning John doesn’t bear any responsibility for what happened… is that what you really believe, Marlena?” Roman asked, realizing where she was leading them, and still trying to decide for himself. She was nodding in response and at the same hoping to hear what else John and her colleague might be saying to each other.

Bo Brady chimed in next, “Oh…yes he does! Look, you tried to help him… we all did, Marlena… but did he listen to us? No… he rejected every one of us and kept right on drinking. And going back to Dimera, well that was…”

She cut him off before he could finish the thought, “No, don’t you get it, Bo… it was the mercenary….*he’s* the one who rejected our efforts to help him and our support, not our John, the one we’ve known all these years.”

“No, I *don’t* get it…. it’s too damned convenient. I won’t let him off the hook that easily, Marlena! He was driving the Jeep that night and he killed a whole family. You weren’t there, you didn’t SEE it! You didn’t have to watch them die, but I did! Influenced by the mercenary or not, John was responsible for their deaths and he’s going to jail. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, Marlena!”

“Oh yes there is…. I feel… horrible about what happened and if you look at him closely, so does he, but he wasn’t responsible, just like Kim wasn’t, Bo. I have a whole team of attorneys defending him, and we’ll prove that what I’m saying is true. Then he’ll get the help he needs to fight the real battle, the most important one of his life.”

Bo did look, and he could tell that John did feel bad, but that wasn’t good enough. “Fine… you do that, Marlena.. spend his money…. you go ahead and buy his act… all confused and vulnerable… but I don’t. I know the truth and so does the prosecutor! No matter what he says in there, when this thing goes to trial, she’ll rip him to shreds. And when the smoke clears, he’ll be wearing prison issue for a long time to come. John’s finally going to pay for his sins.”

Looking toward Marlena, hoping his support might make a difference in the long run, Roman turned to his little brother and said, “Come on, Bo, cut him some slack. You know Marlena has experience with these kinds of situations, you ought to give John the benefit of the doubt here.”

“Oh man… I can’t believe this!” Bo was shaking his head in disgust. What was his brother doing, still hoping to win brownie points with her!

Abe Carver had heard enough. Bo was on some sort of vendetta because of the baby, Roman was coming around but possibly still gunning to get Marlena back when the dust settled, and John was in deep trouble in every way imaginable. Abe hated what this was doing to all the people he loved, dividing them, forcing them to take sides. The deaths were a senseless tragedy and what lay ahead could only wreak more havoc in the city of Salem. “Stop it, you two…. this isn’t doing anybody any good. We just have to hope that the truth comes out and justice will prevail.”

“Damn straight it will, Abe…. damn straight!” Bo said as he walked out of the observation room, wondering how in the world Marlena could still be so completely fooled by the lying two faced bastard who used to be someone they all admired and respected. He was in Dimera’s camp now, and Bo was finished mourning his loss. The John Black he once called brother might as well be dead to Bo Brady, and in his view they all were well rid of him.

No matter how hard he tried to put it out of his mind, however, Marlena’s comment about Kim got to him. What if whatever was happening to John was a lot like that? No one who knew her well ever believed that Kim was capable of murder; it was another personality, formed out of years of sexual abuse. What if the trauma to John’s mind and spirit as a result of Stefano’s cruelty had created a personality in somewhat similar fashion, one that lingered inside him for years afterward and slowly began to exert an ever increasing influence on John’s behavior. Bo had seen what happened to Hope… so, why couldn’t he give John the benefit of the doubt as his brother suggested? The answer to that question came to mind instantly. It was about the baby, pure and simple. Could he find a way to put his feelings about that aside and see the situation in another light, as Marlena had urged him to do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a long lull in the conversation, in which they sat facing each other in silence, the psychiatrist moved on to the other reason he had come to see John on this particular occasion. “John… I’d really like to talk to the mercenary if that’s possible. Can I do that?”

“Sure… just get me stone drunk… he always come out then,” he said with a harsh laugh. Joel was wondering whether it was a glimpse of the other persona right there.

“He does?”

“Yep… at first… I get a little numb… you know….and I don’t feel so confused…. and then… I don’t know… I start to get angry and I can feel him. He takes control then… treats people badly…I.. I hear myself saying things… doing things that I wouldn’t normally do. I want to stop him, but I can’t… I can’t stop him!”

“Does he ever talk to you, John?”

For the longest time, John said nothing; afraid to admit the truth, afraid it would make him appear weak or sicker than he wanted to be. Finally beginning to accept the fact that he desperately needed emotional support and professional help, John decided that when the man asked him again, he would answer honestly.

“John… it’s not your fault…. you didn’t put him there. Stefano Dimera did… and everybody knows that. Now please… tell me… does he talk to you?”

He nodded, and when he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. Joel knew it must be terrifying for a man like this to face the idea in the privacy of his own mind, let alone admit to being mentally sick. John’s voice was shaky, thick with emotion, “Yes….I I… hear his voice inside my head sometimes. It’s different sounding… you know… he’s so.. angry all the time.”

“What does he say to you?”

“He cuts me down mostly… reminds me of Stefano. He told me he’d make Marlena leave… and he’s always taunting me… telling me I’m worthless… and that he can…. take over any time he wants.”

“Is it true… can he take control any time, John?”

A slight shrug was his only answer at first. There was a distance in his blue eyes, as if he was in a place few other men knew. And then he spoke softly, his tone belying immense fatigue and uncertainty, “I don’t know… lately it all blends together somehow…. and I get so… tired of dealing with it.”

“It must be exhausting for you, John… constantly fighting to hold onto some sense of yourself”

He nodded. “Yea…. it is… It was different when I was with Doc…. that’s my wife, Marlena. It was better then….but I guess you know that’s pretty much over now.” He wanted to believe that she still loved him and did for a short while, but somehow the good feelings faded when she wasn’t anywhere near. Marlena hadn’t come to see him since the escape attempt, and it left him to wonder if maybe she’d changed her mind and decided to go through with the divorce after all. And maybe that was for the best.

Joel offered sympathy, “I know.. I’m sorry.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “Tell me how, John… how was it better..?”

“She uh… she made me want to fight…. to hang on to who I was… she gave me hope.”

“And now… since you’ve been apart?”

The man was staring down at his feet, and his voice was so soft Joel could barely hear him. “Well, mostly… I don’t have any..” He looked and sounded so forlorn, as though he had long ago given up, unconsciously allowing the mercenary to take control because he didn’t believe he could succeed in the long run. And somewhere along the line he had fallen under Stefano Dimera’s influence again, at which point the drinking became even heavier.

“So… he’s winning the war, isn’t he?”

“Guess that’s so… yea….”

“Who am I talking to now?” John shrugged, non-committal, fidgeting a bit , apparently becoming uncomfortable with the line of questioning.

At this point in the session, Marlena almost missed a crucial response because the door to the observation room opened again. She glanced over briefly to see who had entered and sighed with a trace of relief to see that it was Bo. Perhaps he was reconsidering his position. Their eyes met, wordlessly acknowledging the significance of his return, but also noting that they could talk later. Without saying anything, she turned her attention back to the two men behind the glass.

“I want to talk to the mercenary, John…. I want to get to know him too. Is that possible?”

Without warning, his whole body began to change–his posture, his demeanor, even the color of his eyes and the timbre of his voice. He was much rougher around the edges, gruff and hostile, “Yea… I’m here… so what the *hell* do you want?”

“Are you in charge most of the time?”

He sat back in the chair for a moment, nodding his head, and said rather proudly with a triumphant smirk on his face, “Yep…have been for a long time, but I can fake him pretty well, when it’s to my advantage.”

Ignoring the baiting tag, the doctor continued on his mission to learn all that he could about the two of them, “And where is John now?”

“He’s all closed up inside where he belongs….. he can’t really handle this, you know.”

“He can’t?”

“No… he wants to be sent to prison, because he feels guilty about what happened to that family, but it won’t go down that way.”

“Oh, and why is that?”

Leaning forward, the mercenary made his plans known, “Because, when the timing is right, I’m gonna leave this joint. The other day, when we duked it out with that bunch of uniforms. That was nothing but a kid’s game to me… he didn’t take control, it just wasn’t the right time. So, after we all got in a couple of good shots at each other, I *let* John come out for awhile so they could make the transfer to the county jail.”

This man was so different from the core personality at this point, totally self absorbed, completely confident in his own abilities, and absolutely without fear of reprisal.

He laughed in an almost sadistic manner, glaring toward the doctor as he continued, openly scoffing, “Ha, ha… Marlena thinks she’s gotten past me, that he truly *believes* now, and that there’s a way to help him. Heh… so do you, for that matter, but you’re both wrong, dead wrong! And when it comes time for the trial, John won’t be there because *I* won’t be locked away like that, not EVER again!” His teeth were clenched when he said the last phrase, his breathing was forced, and nearly every muscle in his body was taut with tension. The man looked as though he might explode with violence at the slightest provocation.

‘Wrong Joel, he *is* afraid. He’s terrified of being confined for any length of time. And what’s worse, he is utterly without remorse about what happened. In his eyes, his own needs are paramount.’

Marlena turned back toward her friends, Abe and Roman, and Bo, whose only response was to stare in through the window, their mouths agape. For the first time, they’d actually seen the transformation from one personality to the other with their own eyes. This man was *not* John Black, not the one they’d known so long and so well. He was someone completely different and he was making Marlena’s point quite clearly. John was fighting an apparently losing battle with Stefano Dimera’s creation. The drinking was not the mark of one man’s descent into a hell of his own making, but rather a failed attempt to stave off what was ostensibly an inevitable battle for control over his mind, body, and spirit.

“Do you feel anything about what happened to that family, any remorse?”

The mercenary shook his head and looked away, avoiding the penetrating gaze of the psychiatrist. Damn it was getting hot! Unconsciously, he tugged at the collar of his jumpsuit.

 

“Four people, two of them young children, were killed because of your drunkenness. Don’t you feel anything about that?”

Again, he shook his head, but less emphatically. The man reached out to touch him and he jumped. “I said NO!” he bellowed, pulling away.

The psychiatrist leaned in and began to confront him, “Oh, but you do…. or the man you’re trying to fight for control over does…. and it eats at you, doesn’t it, the guilt he feels…. you’re working so hard to force him into the background while you take charge, but you can’t do it, can you? John is stronger than you thought.”

He was sweating now, and he got up and started to pace like a caged tiger, shouting out his reply, “Shut up… you just shut up! I answered your stupid questions. No, I don’t feel a damn thing about it and I’m NOT going to jail!”

The mercenary was edgy, probably feeling out of control. It was time to push the core personality to resurface. “John… listen to me, you have to fight him. I know it hurts you to face the pain, to deal with what happened to that family, but you can fight this, and you can win. There are lots of people who will help you, if you let them. Including me, John. We care about you and we’re not going to let you down. You can count on us… “

The observers all sat back and watched the transformation with morbid fascination. The mercenary lurched toward the table and practically fell into the chair, then closed his eyes. His body was shaking, his muscles tensed as if preparing to do physical battle.

“Yes, that’s it, John… fight….you can come back out whenever you’re ready. Believe in yourself, John.”

Gradually, changes began to take place. The trembling abated. His eyelids fluttered and opened slightly. The doctor waited patiently, believing his efforts were successful.

John looked up into warm brown eyes that were broadcasting genuine concern, and knew it was safe.

“John….”

“Yea… I’m here.” He put his head down on the table and let out a low sound, a cross between a cry and a moan. There was agony in that sound. The therapist reached out and placed a hand on the man’s slumped shoulder.

“John….. talk to me.”

After a few long seconds, John finally lifted his head and met the doctor’s gaze, his eyes moist with guilty tears, his voice choked with emotion, “I killed them… all four of them… I killed em…. didn’t I?”

There was no denying the truth of what happened. “Yes…. you were driving the Jeep that night, but you weren’t completely responsible, John.”

John shot out of the chair, suddenly feeling a rush of righteous anger on behalf of the victims and the people who loved them. “Doesn’t do much for the family though does it? I should rot in HELL for what I’ve done!”

“No, John…it doesn’t, but your being locked away in prison won’t bring them back.”

Just as suddenly, his energy was fading and he had to lean against the dingy white wall to keep himself in a close approximation to a standing position. “No, it won’t… but it might make the people who loved them feel a little better. Please… just go…. write your report, or whatever it is you came here to do.”

The psychiatrist, still sitting down, offered emotional support for the first time, “Whether you believe it or not, I do care about you, John. Everything that’s happened, it all makes sense now. You can win this fight, John… and reclaim your life.”

“What life? Marlena wants a divorce, the kids hate me. Nobody except Stefano can stand the sight of me and now…. well, now I’m a murderer.” Pushing himself away from the support of the wall, he nearly fell into the chair, overcome by waves of despair and what felt like physical exhaustion, though he’d done nothing physical in days.

“No, you are not a murderer, and not everybody hates you. Most of your friends are beginning to realize the pressure you’ve been under, and the struggles you’ve been through. They’ll forgive you, John…. and even trust you again… in time.”

“Right.” That was all he said, putting his head in his hands, a sad weary sigh slowly escaping his mouth.

The man was shutting down. It was well past time to quit–John needed to rest. Joel stood up and said, “Alright, that’s enough for now. John, I’m going to recommend that you have long term psychiatric treatment to address what I’ll call an atypical Dissociative Disorder. I plan to state that you were not responsible for the deaths of those four people, because at the time, the mercenary was in control. He was the one who climbed into the vehicle while under the influence, not you. “

John was shaking his head while the psychiatrist spoke. “Say whatever you want, but I know what I have to do.”

An alarm went off inside him. “What do you mean, John?” Joel asked, leaning on the table and willing the man to raise his head. He didn’t.

“I mean I’m gonna plead guilty to all of the charges. I deserve to lose more than my freedom for what I did, but it’s all I have to offer besides money.”

Joel shook his head firmly, and tried to dissuade the man, “No, John…. please don’t do that. Don’t throw your life away. There are people who love you, people who need you to be an active part of their lives.”

“Oh yea.. is that so?” He was skeptical at best.

“Marlena and your children need you. Despite what you’ve come to believe, they don’t hate you. Marlena loves you very much, John. She called upon me to come here. She knows that you’ve been fighting a battle with the mercenary and she wants to help you.”

That made him look up. “She actually told you that she still loves me?” he asked, focusing on what was most central to his existence.

“It’s as plain as day just to look at her, John… but yes, she told me.”

It was too good to be true. “I can’t… believe that. Then why hasn’t she been to see me since the escape attempt?”

“She was totally focused on getting you the help you needed. She told me she sent a letter explaining everything… didn’t you get it?”

He shook his head, disturbed by the thought that the police were holding out on him. “No… no, I didn’t. I didn’t get any letter from Doc!” He rose to his feet, thinking about how he could get a hold of it.

Looking at the expression of joyful relief making its way across the man’s face, it was clear he’d been heartbroken, thinking she’d decided to go through with the divorce after his last act of violence. “I’m sorry, I’ll check into it for you as soon as I leave here. But for now, I want you to get some rest. I’ll let the Commander know you need to be undisturbed for at least four hours.”

“Okay…” Nodding his head, John sat back down to wait for the guard who would escort him back to his cell. Rest sounded good. He was tired as hell and he wasn’t quite sure why.

Just before exiting the room, Joel stopped and peered back at his patient, and felt a smile moving across his face. This time, maybe it was possible to do some real good for a change. Sensing the man’s continued presence, John looked up and returned the smile. “Thank you, Doctor. Thank you for… caring, for…. wanting to help me. It means a lot.”

“You’re welcome, John, but you should really be thanking Marlena. She can be quite insistent when there’s something she wants, or in this case, when someone she loves is in trouble. “

That made him grin. He nodded. “Yea, she really can….can’t she?”

The younger man smiled again and extended his hand for John to shake. “It’s going to be okay, John…. some day, maybe a long while from now, it’s going to be okay.”

John said nothing in return but did take the man’s hand briefly, thinking to himself, ‘I don’t know if I can really believe that, but I guess I hope you’re right.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marlena was weeping by the time the interview was finished, not entirely certain what she was feeling, other than gratitude.

“So, it’s really true…. John’s been trying to deal with the mercenary all this time.” Bo said, figuratively blown away by what he’d just witnessed.

Abe chimed in with an observation that had just come to mind, “You know when I think about it… there were these times… when he’d look at me for a second…. and I was sure that he was hurting, trying to ask me for help, but just couldn’t say the words.”

That made Bo think of something he’d wondered about too, ever since the trip to Paris. Nodding his head in agreement, he said, “Yea… he’d be acting like this super soldier and then when the crisis was over and the anger was gone, he would be sitting there staring off into space, like he didn’t quite know what just happened.”

Marlena was shaking her head as began to disparage herself, “I don’t know why I didn’t do something sooner…. why I couldn’t… admit that he was having a problem, and try to get him some help.”

The ever loyal ex-husband, Roman Brady, who had remained silent thus far, rose to her defense, “Marlena… he hurt you. I heard some of the things he said. How could you expect yourself to be objective about it?”

She stood up and fired back, her guilt a powerful force, “That’s no excuse! Roman, I’m a psychiatrist for God’s sake… I should have *seen* it coming. No, I should have *let* myself see it! Because I didn’t, four people are dead, and John is facing a long jail sentence, believing he deserves any punishment the court sees fit to dole out.”

Abe, who had been deep in thought about the past year and a half or so, thinking over some incidents that occurred, offered his opinion as well. “Marlena, you can’t blame yourself for that. Like you said before, it was a terrible accident. It’s tragic that a family was killed, but it certainly wasn’t your fault and John isn’t to blame either, at least not completely. All we can really do now is get him the help he needs.”

“There’s something we can all agree on.”

The group turned toward the door to see Dr. Joel Stevenson stepping across the threshold. Marlena rushed over to embrace him, almost taking his breath away, “Oh, Joel… how can I ever thank you?”

“Well, you can start by convincing him not to plead guilty. And you know you don’t have to thank me, Marlena. I’m just glad I was able to reach him.”

“You can’t know how much this means to me… to prove that John wasn’t responsible for what happened. I think he has a real chance of being acquitted now.”

“Yes, he does,” Joel said, performing a mental review of the pertinent details of the assessment he’d just conducted.

Bo felt bad about his attitude and decided now was as good a time as any to offer an apology. Stepping up close, he reached out to rest a hand on her shoulder and spoke softly, “Marlena… I’m really sorry…for what I said before… for how I’ve been acting through this whole thing. Now, I understand what’s been going on. I was so angry I was blinded to the truth. I guess I needed someone to blame, and I didn’t want to believe what you were telling me.”

“It’s alright, Bo. I understand. You had every right to be angry with him. He hurt a lot of people in this town. But now we know it wasn’t all John’s doing. It was the mercenary who caused the most damage.”

Every head in the room was nodding in response to her statement. And now they had to hope that the legal justice system would see it the same way.

Relieved was the only word that came to mind, but it didn’t begin to

describe how Marlena felt after talking to her friend and fellow

psychiatrist Joel Stephenson about John’s situation. She couldn’t wait

to see him. Delaying even for a couple hours until he awakened from

some much needed rest, was tantamount to torture. It had been almost a

week since the escape attempt and she now knew that John had interpreted

her absence as a change of heart, thinking she had decided to go through

with the divorce after all. According to Joel, John was genuinely

surprised to hear that she still loved him and wanted to make a life

with him again.

 

Unfortunately, he had never received her letter, one full of

reassurance, the affirmation of her commitment to him, and an

explanation of her plans to aide in his defense. Supposedly, it had been

lost in the paper shuffle during his transfer to the county jail. For

all the bluster of the mercenary, John was on shaky ground emotionally.

And in his mind–without her visits to bolster his failing spirits–it

made perfect sense, and even seemed like the right thing for everyone if

she left him alone to face what he perceived to be a dismal future.

 

After nearly an hour of sitting, then alternately rising to essentially

pace back and forth in the visitor’s room, it was time to see him. A

jolt of nausea coursed through her abdomen in the second the heavy metal

door opened. Every time she saw him walk through that creaky metal door,

his wrists and ankles encircled by thick shackles attached to heavy

chains, it made her heart break. He was losing weight and he wasn’t

sleeping well; that much was obvious from his drawn appearance. John was

clinically depressed and didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. ‘He

should be in a hospital bed, not a jail cell,’ she thought, wishing she

had the clout to make it happen. Unfortunately, John’s case was a

political football, being tossed about by a prosecutor who wanted to

further his career and a mayor who wanted to give the impression that

Salem was tough on crime, including and especially drunken driving. But

maybe she could talk to Joel about putting him on anti-depressant

medication, to help level him out during the most stressful period.

 

Sensing her evaluation of his condition, John averted his eyes and

settled awkwardly into the plastic chair opposite hers. He was so

ashamed and embarrassed to be looking at her through plexi glass that it

brought tears to his eyes.

 

Seeing the blue through a light mist made her ache even more for his

suffering. They picked up the phones at the same time, but she spoke

first, “Oh, John…. you shouldn’t be here…. this just isn’t right.”

 

Still not looking at her, he argued the point, “Yes, it is, Doc…

there’s a family out there, parents, grandparents, brothers, and

sisters, friends. Lots of people who are mourning four deaths. Deaths

I’m responsible for….”

 

She hated seeing him so consumed with guilt. “No, John… you are *not*

responsible for what happened. I know that now, beyond any doubt. It was

the mercenary who killed that family, John. You have to find a way to

believe that.” If only her will could make it so.

 

“I can’t separate it all out like that, Marlena.. it’s all so… blurry

and confusing to me. I don’t remember half of the last year, hell, the

last two years. I don’t know what to believe.”

 

And the doubting of his own basic goodness, that was even worse. “Well,

I do… I saw you transform into him, John… he’s completely different

from you. He’s angry, *so* angry. He’s a hard, cold, selfish bastard.

He’s nothing like you, John, nothing.”

 

“Okay, so, let’s say the jury buys that explanation. What’s going to

happen to me?” He tried not to care, but he didn’t want to go to jail,

and he didn’t want to go to a nuthouse either.

 

Marlena wanted to hedge, but he deserved the truth. “I’m not sure.

You’ll probably be remanded to a psychiatric facility where you’ll

undergo extensive psychological testing and treatment. You’ll have a

psychiatrist and a therapist who will work together to….”

 

She paused and it left him wondering. Her voice was starting to crackle

with emotion. Marlena was scared for him. “Doc…. finish that

sentence… what are they going to do?”

 

“John, they have to find a way to help you…integrate the personalities

into one cohesive whole. It’s going to be some of the hardest work

you’ve ever done, John…. remember what happened with Kimberly?”

 

Suddenly, it dawned on him just how serious his situation was. “You

mean… I have to….accept him… as a part of myself?” He was shaking

his head and muttering more to himself than to his companion, “No, I.. I

can’t… do that, Doc. I can’t do that! He’s not, no…it won’t work.”

 

“John… it’s going to be okay….please try to calm down.” She could

see the telltale signs. Whenever John was struggling to come to grips

with his reality, the mercenary was right there to take over.

 

He started to shake, his fists balled at his sides as he slowly rose

from the table. “John…. don’t let him take control. Fight, John…

fight for who you are.”

 

The trembling intensified briefly, and then abruptly stopped. The man’s

face soon bore a sickening smile of triumph, one meant to wound her. He

sat back down and laughed in her face, “Score another one for mean old

mister mercenary. Poor Johnny boy just can’t take the pressure, Doc..”

he added, his tone derisive.

 

“So, you’re protecting him?”

 

“What do you think?”

 

An exasperated sigh escaped before she answered, “To be honest, I don’t

know what to think.”

 

“He needs me to take control right now.”

 

She confronted him with her perspective, “No, you need it.”

 

“Right, whatever you say, Doc.”

 

She looked him square in the face. There was no connection between them

at all and it left her wondering how he could have fooled her for so

long. She was about to say it out loud when she saw something in his eye

that told her he already knew what she’d been thinking.

 

“You want to know how I faked being him all those times. You’re

wondering why the great lady shrink didn’t catch on to what was

happening, don’t you?”

 

Marlena tried to lie to him, but they both knew the truth, and in the

end she gave it to him. “Yes, actually, that *was* what I was thinking

about. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. You’re nothing like

him.”

 

He laughed harshly and said, “Because you didn’t want to see it,

Marlena! You didn’t want to believe that your precious hero man was

losing control of his mind. And better yet, because he hurt you, a part

of you wanted *him* to suffer too. Well, Doctor Evans, you got your

wish. He’s hurting like never before, now isn’t he?”

 

Rising abruptly, she didn’t reply to his accusation or his question, “I

have to leave, visiting hours are almost over.”

 

Again, he laughed at her, realizing he had her on the run. Marlena was

feeling guilty, responsible for the pain her husband was experiencing.

“Don’t worry, Doc… he won’t be going to prison, and I promise I’ll

take real good care of him.”

 

“No, that’s where you’re wrong, I’ll take care of him! *I* will, with

the help of all the people who love him.”

 

She was about to hang up the phone and leave him alone, when he reacted

to her assertion, his eyes ablaze. “Love, you call it love? You left us

when he was at his lowest point, when we didn’t know who to turn to

anymore, except Dimera. And you have the nerve to say that you still

love him and you’re going to take care of him. That’s bullshit!”

 

His statements were so unnerving, all she could do at that point was

shake her head and call for the guard.

 

In minutes, she was in Abe’s office sitting in a chair next to his desk,

holding a cup of coffee in her trembling hands, and saying

disconsolately, “If only I’d done something sooner. If only I let myself

see what was happening to him, that family would be alive and John

wouldn’t be locked up in this dismal place.”

 

“Marlena, it’s not your fault.”

 

“No, maybe it isn’t, but I could have… prevented it from going so far,

I could have… paid more attention to what he was going through. “

 

“Marlena, he hurt you… a lot, how could you expect yourself to…”

 

“Abe, that’s no excuse… I should have known it wasn’t John, not my

John anyway.”

 

“Alright, maybe you should have, but it doesn’t matter now. What

matters, is that he’s finally going to get the help he needs. Right?” Bo

added, stepping inside the office to lend some moral support. He felt he

had a lot to make up for at this point.

 

Thankful for the support and encouragement, Marlena agreed, “Yes, of

course you’re right, both of you. I just feel so bad for him. He won’t

admit it, but he’s scared and he feels so guilty about the accident. And

because of that, he’s more vulnerable to the mercenary. I just feel so

helpless right now.”

 

“I know, so do I. I’m not sure how to help him either, “Abe offered.

 

Bo, who had missed part of the proceedings because of his anger, asked

about the psychiatrist she’d brought in. “What about Dr. Stephenson,

what does he say about it?”

 

Her sigh was one of emotional exhaustion and she wasn’t sure if it was

for the man she loved, for herself, or for all of them because of what

was soon to come. “Not much more than he told all of us earlier. John

has a long road to recovery ahead of him and it’s going to be a rough

one. He doesn’t want to accept that the mercenary is a part of who he

is, and that he needs to integrate the two personalities in order to

become whole. I’m afraid that he’ll resist therapy and then the

mercenary will completely take over.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Marlena watched the man she loved as they led him into the courtroom.

Briefly, she caught his eye and knew that it was the mercenary she was

seeing. His irises were a shade or two darker than usual, almost navy

blue. It was clear that he was poised and ready to fight for his

freedom, believing he was capable of escaping whenever he wanted. It was

as if he had no concern whatsoever about the proceedings, so confident

that he appeared to be paying very little attention to what the Judge

was saying as he addressed the defendant.

 

“John Black, you’ve been charged with four counts of aggravated

vehicular homicide and operation of a motor vehicle in a grossly

negligent manner while under the influence of alcohol, how do you plead?

 

Mickey spoke up on John’s behalf, noticing that John seemed distant. “My

client pleads ‘not guilty by reason of insanity,’ your Honor.”

 

“Does the prosecution accept this plea?”

 

Suddenly, John stepped out from behind the table where he’d been seated

and approached the bench uninvited, crying out his remorse. “No, that’s

not right, I plead guilty. I’m guilty, I did it. I got drunk and I

killed those people. Oh God, I’m sorry, I’m SO sorry!”

 

There was bedlam as both of John’s attorneys rushed to corral their

charge. “John, what are you doing?” Mickey said in a loud whisper.

 

“Order, order! I will have order in my courtroom. Defense, I suggest

that you get your client under control or I will order that he be

remanded to his cell until such time as he is called to testify.”

 

Glancing at his client, who was sitting now, his head down, his body

completely still, Joseph Strapinsky spoke to the Judge. “Yes, Sir, I

assure you that it won’t happen again your Honor.”

 

“See that it doesn’t. Now, I also suggest that you and your colleague

confer with your client and decide once and for all how he’s going to

plead on the charges leveled against him. These are serious charges, Mr.

Black, do you realize the gravity of the situation you face here today

in this courtroom?”

 

The man didn’t answer. In fact, he didn’t even look up in response to

the question. “Mr. Black, I expect you to answer me. Do you understand

the seriousness of the crimes of which you’ve been accused?”

 

Still no response. John seemed completely withdrawn, unaware of his

surroundings, and was apparently not capable of replying.

 

The judge motioned for counsel to approach the bench. “Counselors, I’m

going to call a 60 minute recess here. And, Mr. Strapinsky, I expect

that when you re-enter my courtroom, your client will be capable of

handling these proceedings. If not, I would suggest that he spend the

day in his cell with his therapist. Is that clear?”

 

“Yes, your Honor, perfectly clear.”

 

“Frankly, at this point, I’m beginning to question his competence to

stand trial on the charges.”

 

“So am I, Sir, so am I,” Joe Strapinsky said under his breath as he

stepped away to confer briefly with Mickey, both of them watching as

John was cuffed and then led out of the courtroom and back toward the

holding cell.

 

Marlena wanted to go to him, but was concerned about the legal

situation. She stood there and watched with tears in her eyes as he

shuffled awkwardly down the long corridor of Salem’s newly restored

courthouse, flanked by two burly uniformed policemen. She’d been

informed that morning that John was to remain in shackles and leg irons

while being escorted to and from the courtroom because he was considered

a serious escape risk. It broke her heart to see him go through another

experience like he had in Aremid. Somehow, this seemed even worse,

because it was a family with young children that had been killed, and

John believed he was responsible, at least in part, for the loss of four

lives and the pain everyone who knew them was experiencing.

 

Regardless of the trial’s eventual outcome, Marlena wondered how the man

she loved would ever come to terms with what had happened while the

mercenary persona was in control of his mind and his behavior. That was

enough to deal with, let alone how he would fare during the process

designed to help him integrate the fractured elements of his personality

into a cohesive whole. Suddenly, the unthinkable came to mind. If John

was sent to prison for what the mercenary did, he might never receive

the treatment he so desperately needed.

What then?

Court was in recess, and instead of listening to his legal team, John was staring off into space again and both of his attorneys were stumped as to what to do to get him to change his mind about pleading guilty. They endured an awkward silence at the long wooden table in one of the rooms inside the county courthouse for several minutes before Mickey finally uttered the words he must have spoken at least a dozen times in the past few months. “John, it isn’t your fault, you have to believe that. ”

 

He too had grown weary of the conversation, but John turned around and told them again what he believed. “How many times do we have to go over this? I was the one driving the car, Mickey. It was my hands on the steering wheel,” he said, his arms outstretched to make his point. “I was the one who lost control and crashed into that family. I killed them all, Mickey! And for that, I deserve to die…but if the law doesn’t support giving me the death penalty, the best I have to offer is going to jail without a fight. So, that’s what I’m going to do and there’s nothing that anybody can do or say to make me change my mind.”

 

Joe threw up his hands. “Fine, plead guilty, John… but do it without me. I’m resigning as co-counsel. I just can’t support this decision, I’m sorry.”

 

With no hard feelings, the client reached out to shake his attorney’s hand, “I understand completely, and I do appreciate all of your advice, but I know what I have to do.”

 

“John, I understand too and I hope you get the help you need so that you can have some kind of a normal life when this is all over.”

 

John didn’t reply to that because in his mind it was ridiculous. Normal was not a word that would ever apply to him again. The mercenary was still very much in control a good portion of the time and no one even knew it, except for Marlena and her shrink friend. He proffered a weak smile and shook the man’s hand.

 

As the one was getting ready to take his leave, the other lawyer made one last attempt to get the defendant to change his mind. “John, please reconsider…. You’re going to get 20 years and possibly more. Do you really want to give up all that time with your family, your children?”

 

“Hell no, I don’t want to, Mickey… but I killed a whole family and I have to pay for it! Can’t anybody understand that?” he said with increasing frustration.

 

“No, John… you didn’t! The mercenary did and we can prove it. John, you’re as much his victim as that family was. He was in control and he drank too much to handle the Jeep. You were an innocent bystander to the entire episode and you know it.”

 

“Yea… a bystander who didn’t do anything to help them. They were dying…. I could hear em, crying out in pain…and I did nothing!”

 

“John…you couldn’t help them…because you couldn’t stop the mercenary from taking over. That’s not your fault. Stefano is ultimately to blame for it and we all know that.”

 

Just as tempers began to flare there was a knock at the door. Mickey and Joe were relieved to find Marlena at the door. “Oh, good, maybe you can talk some sense into him. Otherwise, we’re stuck and his future is looking pretty bleak.”

 

She let out a weary sigh, wishing that there were some magic words she could find that would do the trick. “I’ll try. Thank you…both of you, for everything.”

 

The two men glanced at their client and then offered her a slight nod of the head and a weak smile that said they both wished there were more they could do for the guilt ridden man who once again stood staring out the window at the town of Salem.

 

After giving him sufficient time to adjust to her presence, she stepped up behind him, sliding her hands underneath his arms, and made her plea as well, “John…please… don’t do this. You don’t deserve to lose your life because of what the mercenary did.”

 

“Someone has to pay Marlena…and it looks like that someone has to be me. “

 

“No, John… it’s a horrible thing what happened, but your going to jail won’t bring that family back and it won’t make the pain go away, for you or for the people who loved them. There are other ways to make some meaning out of what’s happened, other ways to help the family get through the loss.”

 

He turned to face her. “Like what, Marlena… please help me out here…because I can’t just walk way from this thing… I have to do something!”

 

“Alright then… John, you can plead not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.” She winced in tandem with the man she loved but did not comment. “Then, best case scenario you go to a… special facility and get the treatment you need to become whole again.”

 

Willing himself to think past what was frightening to consider at best, he asked, “And after that?”

 

“After that, you can do some volunteer work, community service. You can join MADD and educate people on the dangers of drinking and driving, or volunteer with the local Red Cross… something like that. And because you have wealth, you can make sure the survivors are doing well financially, and you can make donations to charity in the victim’s names.

 

She could tell he was chewing on her ideas and finally he said, “Well, I suppose that would be better than sitting in a jail cell wallowing in guilt.”

 

The way he said it made her laugh and then he laughed too, genuinely, and she realized that it was the first time she’d heard that sound coming from the man she loved in over a year. “So, you really think I should do this… plead not guilty by reason of insanity?”

 

“Yes, John, I really do…it’s the only thing that makes any sense.”

 

This time his laughter was sardonic and he repeated the last word she had spoken, while shaking his head. “Sense…there’s nothing about this whole ordeal that makes any sense, Marlena! None of it makes sense! Four people are dead…because I couldn’t control something… no, some one inside my own head!”

 

She hated it when he blamed himself, even though there had been many times when she would have been right there heaping the blame upon him. “John, stop this… you’re not going to help anyone by, as you just said, wallowing in guilt. You have to accept what happened and try to move forward with your life. You won’t be able to help anybody if you plead guilty. You’ll just rot away in prison for 20 years like Joe and Mickey have told you. Now, please… listen to me and follow their advice. “

 

There was a long silence, but blessedly, John finally acquiesced. “Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll plead not guilty by reason of insanity.” Marlena practically leaped into his arms to embrace him, believing that plea, strange at it seemed, was his only chance at ever living any semblance of a normal life again. “Oh, John… thank you so much… I love you and I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”

 

“I love you too, Doc… I just hope I don’t disappoint you again. I never meant to hurt you.”

 

“I know you didn’t, honey… I understand now, what happened between us.”

 

“Well, that makes one of us, because I sure don’t.”

 

“It’s okay… we’re going to get through this, John.”

 

“Alright… just don’t tell me that one day we’re going to look back and laugh about it.”

 

She shook her head. “No, no I know better than that, John. But I do think that one day we’ll look back and realize how much we learned from it, how much stronger our love has become because of it.”

 

He nodded and reached out to hold her in his arms, wishing with all his might that they could stay in the moment forever. It felt good to be known so well and loved even still. “I love you, Doc… and I just….well, I want to thank you, for so many things…but mostly for not…completely giving up on me. Most women would have washed their hands of me and walked away without a second thought about it.”

 

She leaned back and smiled. “I’m not most women.”

 

“I’m aware of that,” he said with a soft sigh, melting into the warmth and comfort of her embrace one last time. So many memories of love-they were what would keep him from falling into the darkness when he was alone in some glorified jail cell.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They were back in the courtroom inside of fifteen minutes and it was a time to enter the defendant’s official plea. Flanked by his two attorneys–Joe Strapinsky having seen fit to come back on board after learning of John’s decision–John stood up to face the presiding Judge.

 

“Mister Black, are you ready to continue with these proceedings?” As he addressed the defendant and his attorneys, the man sounded exasperated and he had an expression on his face that indicated John would pay a high price if there were one more slip of any kind.

 

“Yes, your honor, I am,” John said, looking the Judge right in the eye for the first time.

 

“Alright then, how do you plead?”

 

His attorney stood up and said, “The plea is not guilty by reason of insanity.”

 

The judge looked at the defendant and then nodded his head. “ The plea is accepted. Alright then, Prosecution, are you prepared to call your first witness?”

 

“Yes, your honor, we are… Prosecution calls Abraham Carver to the stand.”

 

There was an audible murmuring in the courtroom as the man made his way down the aisle. He paused for a moment when he passed by the defendant’s table, long enough to meet John’s gaze. Without words they exchanged a message of hope and abiding friendship. Abe had never truly given up on him, in fact was the only one of the people now in his corner who hadn’t, and that meant more than John could ever say. Even if the man was being called as a witness for the opposition, it was pretty clear he was a reluctant and potentially hostile one.

 

As Abe was being sworn in, John recalled the conversation they’d had a couple of days earlier in which his best friend assured him he would testify to specific incidents only, but that when he was called as a character witness by John’s attorneys, he would do his level best to paint John in a good light.

 

“John, listen to me… you know that I have to tell the truth to what I’ve witnessed and I’ll be telling them the words that I heard coming out of your mouth, but when Mickey puts me on the stand, he’ll give me a chance to explain what I believe, no, what I know to be true about you and what was happening to you. John, I saw you struggling with the mercenary. I knew something was very wrong and you weren’t acting like yourself, but I didn’t understand it at the time. Thanks to Marlena and her friend, I do now. I’ll have a chance to talk about that too.”

 

“Abe… you know you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to…I’ll understand if you just want to say your piece as the Prosecution’s witness and be done with it.”

 

“John, how can you say that? You’re one of my closest friends. How could I walk away from you when you need me the most? No, John, I’m going to tell the whole story—make sure the jury understands just how good a man John Black is—that’s what I’m going to do.”

 

It had brought tears to John’s eyes; not that he let his friend see them, though he suspected the man had noticed and not said anything. “Your belief in me and your support means more than I can ever say, Abraham, thank you. You’re the best friend a guy could ever expect to have in this life, ” John had said, offering his hand for a Abe to shake.

 

Instead of a handshake, Abe gave his friend a support hug, something they both needed. “You’re a pretty good friend yourself. You’ve stood by me when I needed you too,” he said as he stepped back from the embrace. “It goes both ways, partner.”

 

John clapped his friend lightly on his back, “Well, thanks again, partner.”

 

His imagining faded just in time to hear Abe responding to questions about a night John barely remembered, a night when he’d been drinking to excess and Abe practically had to drag him out of a bar kicking and screaming. “And what was it he said to you when you indicated that he’d had too much to drink?”

 

“Well, he uh… he tried to introduce to his new best friend, Jose, as in Jose Cuervo, the tequila.”

 

After waiting for the light chuckling to subside, the attorney followed with another question, “And did you see him drinking?”

 

“Yes I did.”

 

“And was he inebriated?”

 

“Yes, he was.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

“I told him that he needed to stop.”

 

“And what did he say to that?”

 

Well, he got angry and shouted at me, “No I don’t… I don’t HAVE to do anything! I’m alone now, remember… no wife, no kids to raise, and I’m filthy rich. I can do whatever the HELL I want, partner!”

 

“Wow, well it doesn’t sound as if he was going to leave willingly. How did you handle him?”

 

“I threatened to arrest him if he didn’t let me take him home, because I wasn’t going to let him get into his vehicle in such a state.”

 

“And that was what it took to get him to leave with you?”

 

“Yes, he got up with my help and I took him home and put him to bed.”

 

“Did you ever think about what might have happened that night if you hadn’t found him and taken him home?”

 

“Yes, many times… I wish I had done more to help him after that. I should have seen what was happening to him.”

 

“You mean because of his drinking?”

 

“No, I mean his emotional problems.”

 

That will be all sir, thank you,” the prosecutor said, trying to stop Abe from finishing his sentence. But he managed to get it out anyway. “ I should known he was dealing with something serious because he was acting so different from the man I had come to know over the years.”

 

The judge gave Abe a stern look and then turned to face the jury. “Jury, please disregard the witness’s last statement; it was unsolicited. Reporter, please strike it from the record.”

 

He then turned toward Abe, “Mr. Carver, as an officer of the law, I’m sure I don’t have to remind you of the details of courtroom procedure.”

 

“No, your honor, you don’t. I’m sorry.”

 

“Alright then, defense, your witness?”

 

“Yes, your honor,” Mickey said approaching the witness stand. “Mr. Carver, I heard you say earlier that you had known the defendant for, how many years was it?”

 

“Fifteen years or so,” he said.

 

“And you know him quite well, I take it.”

 

“Yes, he’s one of my closest friends. I would trust him with my life without hesitation.”

 

“Even now?”

 

“Yes, even now.”

 

There was a lump in John’s throat. It meant so much that someone would say that in court after what he’d done, all the pain he had caused to so many while dealing with the mercenary.

 

“Alright then, could you please tell me of your concerns for these ‘emotional problems,’ as you called them?”

 

“Well, John had been going through some rough times, some family troubles involving his teenaged son and his daughter had a life threatening head injury. There were also some problems related to his past, when he was….kidnapped, tortured, and brainwashed by a man named Stefano Dimera.”

 

“What kind of problems?”

 

“Well, it seemed that John was…struggling, with a part of himself. I don’t fully understand it, but he was angry sometimes in a way I’d never seen him before. And he was stronger too, able to do things most men couldn’t even attempt, almost invulnerable. And it was such a distinct change in behavior that I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t put my finger on it.”

 

“Can you give us an example of any of this, perhaps something that was witnessed by others?”

 

“Yes. There was this one night at Tuscany, that’s a restaurant here in town.”

 

Smiling on the fact that his wife was the owner, he said, “I’m familiar with it, yes. Please go on….”

 

“Well, his son Brady was on the run, having been accused of being involved with the accident that injured John and Marlena’s daughter, Belle. His son came into the restaurant and some members of the local police force were waiting and watching for him. A fight ensued and John nearly wrecked the place, fighting off half a dozen men in an attempt to keep his son from being arrested for something he believed was a complete fabrication.”

 

“But they did arrest John and his son that night?”

 

“Yes, it was quite a battle, but they were ultimately successful because reinforcements arrived at the scene and stopped them just outside the front door of the restaurant.”

 

“I see, so then what happened when they got to the jail?”

 

“Well, I didn’t actually witness it in person, but I saw the surveillance tapes that were made when the wagon arrived at the precinct.”

 

“And what happened?”

 

“Well, John had somehow managed to get himself out of the handcuffs and took the waiting officers by surprise when he got out of the wagon. He managed to get the leg irons away from them and was swinging them around in a circle while telling his son to run. He was wild, completely out of control, so unlike the man I knew as a close friend. And then something strange happened. His son Brady called out to him several times, trying to get him to settle down and surrender, and John just froze. His head went backward, his eyes rolled up in his head, and it looked like he was about to pass out. The police took advantage of the moment and subdued him. “

 

“What happened after that?”

 

“Well, he was kept in a holding cell until his attorney was called. He was released that night and he seemed much better, but I was still concerned.”

 

“About violence?”

 

“Yes, that…because he was so out of control, but there was something else too… something I didn’t really understand at the time.”

 

“And what was that?”

 

“Well I noticed that he was shaking… his hands especially. He was trying to hide it, but I could tell that he was…having trouble controlling his emotions. It was like there was a part of him that wanted to fight again, like there was an overwhelming physical energy that wouldn’t be.. held off, even though he knew fighting would only get him into more trouble than he was already in at the time. Now, I understand what it all meant.”

 

“Could you explain that, Mr. Carver?”

 

“Well, now I know that it’s because he was struggling with the mercenary persona… which was forced upon him during the time he was held hostage by Stefano Dimera. “

 

“Objection your honor, purely speculation.”

 

“Sustained.”

 

“So, he was acting in a way that was completely counter to what you had known of him to that time.”

 

“Yes, very much so…I was worried about him and it just got worse from there on out.”

 

“How, what happened next?”

 

“Well, his wife asked for a separation and he started drinking more and more heavily. It got to a point where he wouldn’t listen to anyone who tried to tell him he was headed for serious trouble.”

 

“Were you one of those people?”

 

“Yes, he was staying by himself at a hotel and he wasn’t taking very good care of himself. He seemed depressed and lonely and I tried to get him to come and stay with me for awhile, but he wouldn’t take me up on the offer. It was pride I guess. I’m not really sure. Anyway, it wasn’t long after that that he turned up at Stefano’s.”

 

“Stefano Dimera. He went to live with the man who had kidnapped, tortured and brainwashed him?”

 

“Yes, that was when I knew he was in serious trouble and that something was very wrong with him emotionally. No matter how desperate he was, the John Black I knew would sooner die than ever allow himself to fall under that man’s influence again, let alone willingly live under the same roof.”

 

“No further questions your honor.”

 

Prosecutor, do you wish to re-direct?”

 

“Yes, your honor, I do.” The prosecutor nearly swaggered up to the witness stand, obviously prepared to rip the man’s testimony apart. “So, all this behavior was ‘not like’ the man you knew. Well, I have here, some documents that clearly state otherwise. This man, the defendant John Black, has been arrested a number of times, charged with murder, assault, threats of murder and assault, DUI, drunk and disorderly, and the list goes on from there.”

 

“It’s a matter of public record that the murder charge was false and the conviction was overturned because it was set up by Tony Dimera, Stefano’s son, who faked his own death. And the assault and threat charges were filed by Stefano after he was arrested for a multitude of crimes against both John and Marlena, including kidnapping and torture. John was held captive and brutally tortured a second time in 1994 and then Stefano kidnapped Marlena several times between 1995 and 1997, with the help of his daughter Kristen. Dimera was involved in the false murder conviction in Aremid and he also tried to execute John when he captured John trying to rescue Marlena in Paris in 1996—he was going to use a guillotine. Therefore, the charges filed by the man are simply invalid, which is why they were all dismissed, also a matter of public record.”

 

The prosecutor was caught off guard for a moment and the jury was taken in by all that had happened to the defendant. After a long hesitation, he finally said something. “Alright then, what about the drunk and disorderly charges and the other DUI? Those were quite recent I might add.”

 

“Yes, they were and I think they’re all a part of the same emotional problems I have just described to you. I don’t think he was able to control all of his actions. I could tell that he was fighting within himself somehow, with this other personality.”

 

“And just how is it that you’ve become an expert in this field? Commander Carver, do you have a degree in Psychology, Social Work, or Psychiatry perhaps?”

 

“No sir, I don’t.”

 

With a smug expression, the prosecuting attorney looked at the Judge and said, “I have no further questions for this witness, your honor.”

 

The judge subsequently turned toward Abe and said, “Thank you, Commander, that will be all for now.” Abe stepped down, hoping he hadn’t said anything that would harm John’s chances of getting the outcome he needed.

 

John discreetly gave him the thumbs up sign as he walked by and Abe gave him a soft smile in return. There would be time to talk it through later on.

 

By the end of the day, everyone involved in the proceedings was dead tired and ready for a break. Watching as two well armed officers placed the shackles and chains around his wrists and ankles, Marlena ached for just five minutes alone with the man she loved. Five minutes to wrap her arms around him and tell him again how much she loved him, how much she believed in him and the fact that he was going to get better in time. John was putting up a good front, but she could see traces of the immense fatigue and the fear hidden behind his blue eyes. More than anything else she wanted to give him some much needed encouragement. For this moment, all she could do was look him in the eye and mouth three very important words, ‘I love you.”

 

He nodded and tried to smile, but couldn’t summon one for her. Then he tried to speak to her but wasn’t able to find the right words as they began to lead him away, his head instinctively tilting down toward the ground for the shame and embarrassment he was feeling about having everyone he loved see him that way and for what the mercenary had done using his body. Just as they were about to exit the courtroom, he stole a backward glance and whispered softly, “I love you too, Doc.”

 

She started to cry for the raw anguish she saw in his eyes, for the pain of separation, and for the suffering of the family members who had come seeking justice for the loss of four people they loved. Mickey Horton came up behind her and put a gentle hand on her sagging shoulder, “Oh, God….Mickey… you have to win this one. I can’t bear the thought of him going to jail for twenty years, I can’t…bear it!”

 

“We’re going to do everything we can Marlena, everything possible under the law.”

 

“I just hope that’s enough,” said Abe Carver, who came up and gave his friend exactly what he thought she needed, a great big bear hug. She sobbed in his arms. “Oh Abe…. You were so good… you helped him, I know you did. I saw the jury when you were talking about all of the things Stefano did to him…they were listening and they felt something, I could tell.”

 

“I hope so, Marlena… but Dr. Stephenson will be the star witness. He has the credentials to back up what I was trying to say and then some. He’ll be able to do so much more for John.”

 

“Oh, I’m not looking forward to his testimony, because it’s going to be so hard on John, to hear about the difficulties in his life in such matter of fact clinical terms. But I hope you’re right and that he sounds very much like the expert he is in Dissociative Personality Disorder.”

 

Mickey and Joe exchanged glances, both of them thinking that they had a long way to go before they would really have their day in court on John’s behalf. There were a lot of prosecution witnesses who were eager to make John appear to be a morally bankrupt soul, filled with hatred and rage, hell bent on venting his anger on anyone who happened to cross in his path. They would try to make the case that the man was an accident no longer waiting to happen, and that therefore, he should be put behind bars as long as the law would allow for the crime in question. Deciding that discretion was definitely the better part of valor in this case, they chose not to share those thoughts with John’s strongest supporters.