A time for us
Someday there’ll be
A new world
A world of shining hope for you and me
For you and me…….
Another dreary grey winter’s day had settled in Salem and John Black’s heart and soul were as bleak as the foreboding dark cloudiness of the late afternoon sky above him. A woman he once loved was dead by way of suicide and it seemed that he was the one to blame for the overwhelming despair that led her to take her own life. What was even more upsetting was the fact that he was alone with the guilt he was feeling because he was apart from the woman he truly loved and John was struggling with doubts about whether they would ever really be together like they once were.
As he thought of Marlena, one special night came to mind, one night of passion during the brief interlude of blissful happiness following their reunion, before Roman returned and complicated matters again. John remembered with fondness the candlelight dinner and his proposal on bended knee, recalling the sheer delight in Marlena’s eyes when she said yes to him and they embraced and professed their everlasting love. And then there was an image of their ‘almost wedding day,’ all of which had taken place more than half a year ago now.
Tears filled his eyes as the sense of loss hit him hard and fast at just the thought of how close they had come to finally sharing their love in the age old institution of marriage. As the images of fleeting joy lingered in his mind, he cried out in his pain, “Oh, God.. she was..so happy to be marrying me, we were so much in love… so sure!” In recent days, Marlena said she was undecided and she pulled away most of the time when he tried to hold her, and if he somehow managed to kiss her, she always ended it much too soon. The passion that once brought her intense pleasure, the desire that left her eyes moist with the joyful anticipation of lovemaking only served to make her uncomfortable. It almost felt like when the affair was happening; she was once again pushing him away when he so desperately needed her love and support, and he felt lost inside his troubled soul, just like he did five years ago when she chose to stay with her husband. That same man stood between them yet again, as did John’s own reaction to the tragic suicide of his former lover.
A time for us, at last to see
A life worthwhile for you and me…..
As he stood outside St. Lukes church, John spoke quietly to his Lord of his deep sadness about being separated from Marlena, as the tears began to drop, making tiny spots on the barren dry ground. Admitting to the soul penetrating pain he felt and the doubts he had about their chances, the fear he tried so hard to force out of his heart and mind, he said, “But now.. she hardly even lets me touch her anymore.. I miss her so much and I need her God, I need her more than ever before!” Then, as his tormented bewildering thoughts turned to the other woman on his mind, he said sadly in the privacy of his thoughts, ‘But.. maybe I’m… just not right for her, after all. Maybe the reason we can’t ever seem to get it together is that.. I’m…. just no good for her. Maybe.. she deserves better than someone who could let a person die.. no, someone who could heartlessly push another person over the edge.’
Next, he called out to Marlena in his mind, ‘Oh, Doc… I killed her, I killed Kristen! Then he spoke of his need for her out loud, “Oh, Marlena.. I love you so much and I wish you could hold me right now, but I don’t even know what you want or what you’re thinking these days.” Weeping softly with the agonizing fear of losing her and the crushing guilt for contributing to Kristen’s death, he cried out in his state of anguished confusion, “Oh, God.. I wish.. someone could tell me how everything got so messed up!” John turned and left the church without ever entering the building, somehow not feeling worthy of God’s presence and comfort. He continued to wander around town, somewhat aimlessly, unconsciously driven to make some sense of his seemingly endless negative and tormenting thoughts and harsh self-recriminations.
A time for us
Someday there’ll be
When chains are torn
By courage born
Of a love that’s free
A time when dreams
So long denied
Can flourish……..
An hour later, John was standing near the ballfields in the park, thinking of times past. Kristen Blake, a woman he once loved enough to marry had killed herself because of the loss of him, because he had essentially dared her to do it. The scene in the foyer of the Dimera Mansion played in his mind over and over until he wanted to scream, and then he did cry out in his guilt about what had happened, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I didn’t really want you to do it, Kristen! I was just so.. angry at you for setting Roman up to see Marlena and me together, I was so..frustrated with what you were doing… but I didn’t want you to kill yourself. I didn’t think you meant it, I thought it was just.. another attempt to manipulate me into coming back to you. I didn’t want you to die, I wanted you to change!! Dammit!”
Next came the message she had left him on the machine… She apologized for what she had done to him, for the lies.. all of it and she was begging for forgiveness and telling him how her love was real and it always was. That message played on and on inside his seriously distressed mind, and John found tears in his eyes every time he thought of how lonely she sounded, how desperate for help, help he should have given her, but was too angry to provide. “She killed herself and I could have saved her.. I could have saved her! Oh, God.. I’m sorry… now she’s probably in… hell because I didn’t try to.. reach out to her and help her change. I felt so betrayed and angry and I let the anger grow instead of forgiving her like you would have wanted me to do.. I’m so sorry, God! Please.. find a way.. to… let her into.. heaven!”
Tears flowed lightly as memories from the early days of his relationship with Kristen came back to him, times of laughter and fun with her. Ballgames in this very stadium with the kids from the community center, the teasing banter, the longing glances of the attraction phase. Sitting down on the bleachers where they had shared their first kiss, John spoke to her as if she were there with him, “Oh, Kristen.. how did it all go so wrong? Was it because.. I made my… feelings for Marlena so obvious.. that you felt you had to lie to keep me? I did love you… once. I’m sorry I failed you… If you would have just.. told me about the baby.. maybe we.. could have..”
Shaking his head, he negated the idea that the relationship could have lasted and fought back the thoughts that his own actions caused her to turn to evil; he wasn’t willing to accept that much of the responsibility for what happened. However, John had to admit that lying to himself as well as to Kristen about whom he truly loved was a grievous error which hurt her deeply and probably contributed to her downward spiral into obsession at its earliest beginnings. He wept with that knowledge, still wishing she would have told him how she felt, and that they could have mourned the loss of their child together. John also recognized that he had hurt Marlena and ultimately himself by not taking the risk of being honest about his ongoing love for her. “I’m sorry.. for so many things.. I’m so sorry!” he cried out, his heart filled with remorse. He might have saved all of them a lot of unnecessary emotional distress and maybe Kristen’s life, had he done that at any given point during the past several years.
Then, as part of him began to realize that he wasn’t responsible for everything that happened, he heard a quiet voice inside him saying, “No, John.. you can’t take the blame for all of it. She made her choices, we all did.” He couldn’t deny having made some crucial mistakes where the women in his life were concerned, but he wasn’t the only one. Both Kristen and Marlena made their fair share; they could have been more honest with him too. To allow himself to think otherwise would be carrying the guilt much too far.
He stopped crying as his thoughts turned to the man who raised Kristen, the man whom it was more realistic to hold responsible for the negative changes in Kristen which seemed to John to have begun at that turning point in Paris, though in truth it was before that. ‘Oh, dammit, it’s Stefano.. he’s the one who caused all of this. She tried to fight his evil, manipulative, influence, but when she believed her love was threatened, he was right there encouraging her to rely on his methods to hold on to me, so he could keep me away from Marlena, and she did. Kristen allied herself with him and that is what ultimately destroyed any feeling I had for her, that is what led me to feel such contempt for her that I could turn my back on her when she needed me the most.’ “Damn you Dimera!” John vowed to make the man face justice for his evil acts and the damage resulting from them, “So help me God.. one way or another Stefano, you will pay for the pain you’ve caused me and so many of the people I care about!”
And with our love
Through tears and and thorns
We will endure
As we pass surely
Through every storm
A time for us
Someday there’ll be
A new world
A world of shining hope for you and me
For you and me
A world of shining hope for you and me……
Not knowing what else to do with himself, John instinctively went looking for a friend. Wanting to see Marlena more than anything, but figuring that she was probably with Roman, and feeling insecure about whether she even wanted him anymore, John started off in the direction of the Salem Police Department to find Abe. However, as he thought about the past again, he changed his mind, thinking that because Abe was Roman’s friend too he might feel as if he were being put on the spot if John talked about how much he missed and needed Marlena.
So, instead, he headed down toward the pier, to his favorite thinking place, and sat by himself in the damp cold of the late winter day, still wearing his clothes from the night before when he and Marlena had discovered Kristen’s lifeless body floating in the pool at the Blake House. Immersed in the pain of loss and self-blame, John didn’t hear the other person approaching until he looked up to see a friend, one he hadn’t talked with for several days. He tried to muster a smile of greeting, but couldn’t manage it. After meeting her eyes, showing her a glimpse of his sadness, he then resumed looking dejectedly down toward the ground, having said nothing.
“Hey…partner.. how are you doing,” she asked softly, as she stepped closer, then sat down next to him, sensing the pain he was feeling by his appearance. The collar on the right side of his coat was up, his hair was tossled, there were streaks on his slighty red cheeks, obviously from tears, and his shirt wasn’t buttoned properly. Besides all those outward physical signs, his downcast expression was a clear indication that her friend was very troubled and needed someone to listen to and support him. Wondering where Marlena was at a time when John so obviously needed her love and affection, Hope decided she would do what she could to help him through what had to be a very rough experience for such a tender and compassionate man.
John looked up briefly at the beautiful dark haired young woman standing before him, thankful to see a friendly face and yet, not wanting to talk about what he believed he had done, not wanting to acknowledge once again that he had probably lost Marlena for good. It was all so painful. His life was such a horrible wreck lately, and he saw no end in sight for his miserable plight. “Hey.. Hope,” he said, turning his head toward her slightly and glancing up again, finally recognizing her presence after she sat down beside him on the bench. Then he looked down toward his feet again, staring with dull sadness at the steel toe of his right boot.
Scooting a little closer and putting a comforting hand on his back, she asked, “What happened, John?”
He met her eyes and saw such concern there; he was touched. Her friendship meant a lot to him now; he could talk with her openly about the woman he loved, among other things, in a way he couldn’t do with anyone else. Because she was in a similar situation, she understood his pain and she listened and provided support and encouragement when he needed it most. And, John had done the same for her in reference to Bo. Since their time in the wilds of some foreign land, the bond he formed with Hope was rapidly becoming one of the most important relationships in his life. “It’s.. about Kristen… she.. left me a message on my answering machine before…she..” He voice broke and he stopped mid-sentence and then gathered strength, “It was…a suicide note, she was telling me how her love for me was real and begging me to forgive her..”
Hope knew where his mind had taken him, he was blaming himself for the evil woman’s death. John was such a sweet, tender, loving man, who never deserved all the pain he had endured, most all of it at the hands of that sick, deluded version of a family called Dimera. Now here he was actually feeling responsible for the death of one those despicable people, who had manipulated and deceived him so terribly. She had to make him see that he was totally wrong about it, “John.. her death wasn’t your fault.”
“Yea.. yea.. that’s what Marlena said too,” he said, frowning in disageement, still not quite meeting her worried gaze.
Touching him on the arm to get him to look at her, she continued to offer evidence, “John.. you have to know that what happened to Kristen.. she brought it on herself because of all her lies and schemes.”
John shook his head sadly, “No.. it was all because she loved me so much Hope.. she just wanted me to love her and she died because I turned my back on her. She was all alone and miserable and I didn’t listen to her cry for help. I didn’t take it seriously.. and now she’s dead!” John was in anguish to consider that he was the one who had led Kristen to take such drastic action.
She could see that he was thoroughly entrenched in his self-denegrating, guilt oriented train of thought and scrambled for a way to jar him out of it. Putting both hands firmly on his slumped shoulders, she said, “John… listen to me…if she was alone and miserable it was of her own doing, for lying to you repeatedly and manipulating you, for hurting Marlena and trying to take Susan’s baby away from her, for kidnapping the nun… And if she chose to take her own life rather than face up to the pain she caused and make the necessary changes to turn her life around, you are not to blame for that. Not at all, John.”
John was so lost in his self-recriminating frame of mind that he didn’t even hear most of what his friend said. He sputtered as he told her what he didn’t think he would actually repeat to anyone, he was so ashamed to have said it at all. “You don’t understand, Hope. She…she.. said she was going to do it and I… I.. told her.. she didn’t have the guts, Hope. I.. walked out on her after challenging her to prove me wrong and she.. did. She killed herself!” John couldn’t hold back the tears of sorrow that continued to form, almost against his will, and he leaned over, rested his head in his hands and began to weep quietly.
Her heart was breaking for him, understanding how he might replay that comment over in his mind, but having said it didn’t shift the responsibility for Kristen’s death on to him. Placing her hand on his back again, as a gesture of comfort, she comiserated with him, but continued her attempts to make him see that his thinking was illogical and his guilt ill-founded. “Oh.. John.. I know this is a difficult time for you.. and you feel bad about having said that, but she still made her choice. Listen, John.. why don’t you go find Marlena? You need to be with her right now,” Hope encouraged strongly.
That was one more complicated and painful situation from which he expected no good to come in the near future. Shaking his head slightly, he gazed up and said looking terribly forlorn, “Nah… I don’t want to pressure her anymore… If I do.. I’ll probably lose her. Maybe I already have,” he muttered disconsolately.
Hope could almost feel his sadness in her own heart; she had to find some way to help him find his faith, “Oh, come on, John. Where’s that determined man I used to know, the one who was going to fight for the woman he loves, the one who was going to do whatever it took to win her heart?”
He just shook his head tearfully, stood up and walked slowly toward the end of the pier and Hope followed. Dejectedly, he replied as tears tried to form again behind his wounded eyes, his voice trembling as he spoke, “I don’t know… maybe he’s just… finally accepting reality. Truth is.. I don’t know anything anymore.” Gesturing with his hands as he often did, he shared some painful conclusions, “My life is such a mess, Hope.. I mean.. come on, I’m living in some damn hotel… waiting for something that may never happen! My son isn’t even with me… because I’ve been living in this dream world that Marlena and I actually had a chance to be together, to make a real family.” He didn’t want to think about it or talk anymore, it hurt too much. John shook his head mournfully, wiped away the moisture and then snifled a couple of times as he struggled to regain control of his emotions. Changing the subject, he said as he touched Hope on the cheek with a knuckle or two of his closed right hand, “Listen, I gotta go, Hope.. don’t you give up on Bo.. he loves you and he wants to be with you.. hang on to that and be glad you didn’t cause someone to take their own life.”
John started to walk away and Hope reached out her hand to stop him, saying, “No.. John, don’t go. You aren’t responsible for Kristen’s death and you shouldn’t be alone tonight. If you don’t want to push Marlena for anything then.. have dinner with me.. please,” she implored.
He didn’t say anything, but the slight back and forth movement of his head and his pained expression told her he wasn’t up for it. She made another attempt, by trying to make him feel she needed him, “I’ll have to eat all alone if you say no, John… Shawn D is having dinner at a friend’s house.”
Finally, he gave her an answer, but it wasn’t the one she wanted. “Nah…I wouldn’t be very good company tonight. Besides, I’m really beat. I think I’ll just go on back and try to get some sleep.” That was a bold faced lie; sleep would be impossible for him and they both knew it.
Hope ignored that issue and made another attempt to appear needy for his presence, “Please… John?” she pleaded, as she batted her eyelashes at him exaggeratedly, anything to coax a smile into appearing on his ruggedly handsome face. “I really don’t want to dine alone.. come on, you’ll be doing me a favor, saving me from another.. long lonely evening.”
That one got to him, as she knew it would, and he sighed and then said resignedly with a cross between a smile and a frown, “Oh, allright, you make it hard to refuse, Hope. I’ll go, but first I have to get cleaned up at the hotel.. do you want to meet me somewhere?”
She didn’t want to give him the chance to change his mind and go off on his own. “No… I’ll go get dressed myself and then meet you in the hotel lobby in about an hour, how’s that?” she asked with a nice smile, feeling pleased that she was able to get him to agree. Being alone with his feelings of guilt and grief over Kristen’s death and his worries about losing Marlena to Roman was definitely not what he needed, even if he thought it was.
He sighed less wearily, feeling cared about, as he recognized her motives. Acknowledging her concern, he said, “Thanks, Hope.. you’re a true friend, I’m really glad to have you in my life.”
She shrugged it off as par for the course, “Hey, you’ve been listening to me talk about my problems with Bo, it’s my turn tonight, that’s all. You mean a lot to me too, John.”
The two friends stood awkwardly for a moment and then Hope initiated a warm embrace that she believed John needed very much. The truth was, he needed Marlena to hold him and make him feel loved the way only she could, but Hope decided that she would have to serve as a substitute for the time being. John was hesitant, but once he wrapped his arms around Hope’s slender form, he held on for dear life, realizing as he did just how much he wanted and needed the support and affection she was giving him. John let out a soft moan; it was the sound of a man in great pain, the sound of someone who just might find a way to let a friend inside to where it hurt.
Suddenly, he seemed to become aware of how tightly he was hugging her and quickly let her go with a sense of embarassment and an awkward smile. “Uh.. sorry about that, Hope.. I…guess.. I…” John stopped, not knowing how to put words to what just happened.
“It’s okay, John… you’re hurting and you need some support and I’m here for you,” she said squeezing his hand.
He nodded and smiled weakly, thankful for having such an understanding person around. “Yea… I guess that’s what it was. Thanks again, Hope. I’ll see you in the lobby then.”
As John quietly stepped away from her and headed up the stairs of the pier, she called after him, “I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t you dare stand me up, John Black!” she warned teasingly.
She was telling him not to let his melancholy mood take control of him and she saw that she was successful as he turned back toward her with subdued smile and a wink saying, “Who me.. John Black stand up a beautiful and compassionate woman like Hope Williams.. not a chance.” More seriously, he added, “Thank you.. Hope.. for everything.”
She smiled widely and said, “Don’t mention it, that’s what partners are for, John…”
His funk seemed to be lifting ever so slightly and he said, “Yea… it is, isn’t it? I’ll see you in a little while… partner.”
Hope lingered on the pier for another minute or two, taking in the late afternoon air, thinking how good it felt to reach out to someone else who was hurting. It seemed to lessen her own suffering somehow and she found herself thanking God for the deepening ties of friendship she shared with John. He was a very special man and she prayed that Marlena wouldn’t hurt him anymore, that she would make her choice and be done with it, one way or another. Hope had never really considered that Marlena might go actually back to Roman after all that had happened, but John was definitely concerned about that possibility. Hope wanted to write it off as part of his overall disheartened mind set. In a few days or so, he would realize that Marlena loved him and that he still had a good chance with her. However, the more she thought about the situation, the more confused Hope felt. Marlena had repeatedly reassured John that they would be together when Roman knew the truth. That had finally happened weeks ago now, and Marlena was wavering in her commitment to John. Hope had to admit it was understandable that John was having serious doubts and was afraid of losing the woman he loved. She wondered what it would do to him to lose Marlena to Roman again. John was strong, but he loved the woman deeply and completely, and always had. They had both described themselves at one time or another as soulmates, and John was willing to sacrifice his safety, his life and even his soul for Marlena, without thinking twice about it. To have come so close to sharing his life with her after all the pain and separation they endured, only to lose her again would have to be utterly devastating. Hope knew that all too well from personal experience. In his present self-condemning state of mind about Kristen’s suicide, the loss of Marlena’s love could cause a serious crisis for John. Hope vowed to be there for him, whatever happened, just as she knew he would be there for her whenever she needed him. She said it again in her mind as she too started up the stairs, ‘That’s what partners are for.’
Marlena was at the Penthouse, sitting in front of the mirror on her vanity table, getting ready for her dinner date with Roman, but thinking of John. She said to herself internally, ‘There’s something wrong with this picture.. I’m getting all dressed up to go on a date with my ex-husband and all I can think about is John.’ She had already picked up the phone to call him three times now, with no luck in reaching him at the Salem Inn. “Where could he be?” she asked out loud, concerned about how much he was blaming himself ever since the medical examiner ruled Kristen Blake’s death a suicide. After finishing up with her hair and makeup, she went on downstairs to wait for Roman to arrive. As she put the cell phone down on the table in the front room of the Penthouse, she asked herself another question about her decision to spend the evening with Roman, ‘Why am I going out to dinner with Roman anyway? Why is it that I’m not out trying to find John and make sure he’s okay? Is it because it upsets me to see him feeling bad about the death of a woman I had come to loathe?’
Her curious and worried mind kept thinking back in time to about an hour earlier; she continued to wonder about what she saw in the empty hotel room when she stopped by to check on John. ‘I still don’t understand why the answering machine was disconnected.’ His cell phone was there too and she thought, ‘Maybe, he just didn’t want to take any calls.. No, he would have just turned it on and left it alone or told the front desk to hold all his calls, if that were the case, Marlena.’ Her psychiatrist’s mind told her to trust her instincts and believe that something was very wrong with that scene. John was gone, and he hadn’t told her where he was going after heading back to his room to get cleaned up. When she arrived there, only a short time after he left the station, the room was vacant. After taking a good look around, she realized that there was no indication that he had taken a shower and changed out of his clothes from the night before, as he said he planned to do. If that were the case, then something else must have happened to upset him further.
The more she thought about it, the more she regretted how things were turning out for the two of them. She had finally gone to the place that housed the man she loved and what she found there shocked her into realizing exactly what she had done to him; he had been there for several months and yet there was no real sign that he ever stayed there, except for the shirt boxes on the bureau. There was nothing to give a visitor a sense of who he was as a man. It was devoid of any personal touches at all, as if he had put his entire life on hold waiting for her to take him back into her life, her home, her arms, her bed. How sad that was and it was even more painful to accept that she was largely to blame for it. Marlena had made him promise after promise and although it was unintentional, she had forsaken them all quite blatantly the night John was led to believe she would finally tell him that they were free to love. On the night the truth was revealed at Chez Vous, she had broken his heart by walking away from him, saying she had a big decision to make and needed time to think, a decision John thought she had already made because that was what she kept telling him over and over again for all those months he stayed in that lonely hotel room… waiting. John was actually living there now and she had never been to see him during all those months, and the only time she did show up there, he was gone and they weren’t even together anymore. Marlena felt tears forming in her eyes for the suffering he must have endured at her hand. It was the first time she actually allowed herself to think of how John must have felt to hear her change her story so swiftly. Shaking her head she cried out, wishing he were with her so she could take him in her arms and tell him of her sorrow, “Oh, John… I’m so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to, I wasn’t lying all those times I said that we’d be together when the truth came out, I…just… You just what, Marlena?’ she asked herself harshly. Before she could draw some kind of conclusion to explain her actions, her train of thought was lost as the doorbell chime interrupted her. Marlena quickly wiped her tears away and put on a pleasant expression.
She opened the door to find Roman dressed in a tuxedo that looked too big, but she complimented him on it anyway. “Hello, Roman you look very handsome,” she said with a smile. He didn’t look nearly as good as John did in a tux, but then again.. who did? That other man had a sophisticated style and a distinctly masculine physical presence that couldn’t be matched by many men, and most definitely not by Roman Brady. Her ex had his own brand of charm, but it was so very different from John’s, and she was so very different from the way she was when they had first fallen in love and married. The truth was they didn’t seem to have much in common anymore. She had grown and changed in ways that couldn’t really be explained and Roman was still basically the same *beer and hot dogs* kind of guy he always was, though he seemed to be changing his style of to suit her. It didn’t fit him though, just as this tuxedo literally didn’t fit him, because inside Roman Brady was the same man he always was, not that there was anything wrong with that.
“And you are still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, Marlena Evans,” he said, and she blushed slightly at that comment. Roman casually handed her a single red rose and it made her think of John and the way he gave her flowers, it was always so romantic when he brought them to her, and she smiled on the memory of the most recent time he had done so; it seemed like a lifetime ago now and that thought made her sad, but she had to accept that it was of her own doing. In all reality, good or bad, almost everything made her think of John Black.
Even as Marlena tried to convince herself that she shouldn’t compare their physical attributes or the way they dressed or their style of doing things, and that she was going to give Roman a fair chance at winning her, there was the part of her that knew beyond any doubt that her choice was made years ago. John Black was the man she loved, now… and for always. But, still she went on the date anyway, to assuage her guilt for hurting Roman by having an affair with John all those years ago, or maybe it was to avoid hurting him so soon after he almost died. Or were there really some lingering feelings she had toward the man which needed to be resolved before she would feel comfortable marrying John? She didn’t really understand her own behavior lately.
Marlena couldn’t find the answers to her inquiries within herself because she wasn’t ready to face the truth. By avoiding the decision, by refusing to tell Roman that it was John she loved, out of her desire not to hurt him, she was hurting John… deeply. Marlena had been lying to herself about that and so many other things, but if she faced it she would have to admit that every time she said something about not hurting Roman, she took some action that hurt John instead, perhaps because she perceived him to be the stronger of the two men. John could handle anything, she told herself, but that wasn’t necessarily so. As strong as he was on the outside, he was only a man, a person with the same tender emotions as anyone else. He just learned to keep them hidden much of the time, often for Marlena’s benefit. Soon, she would have to face it; she would have to admit that what she was doing was terribly cruel and insensitive. For several months running she reassured John time and time again that it was him she loved and that the only thing keeping them apart was Roman’s illness. “As soon as Roman is well,” she said, “we’ll tell him about us, John, and then we can be married like we planned. I love you, John, only you. Don’t worry, John.. we’ll be together.. soon, John.. soon. ” Marlena had uttered those and similar phrases repeatedly, even to the point of becoming outwardly exasperated by his obvious feelings of insecurity about her commitment to him.
And then what did she do when Roman was strong enough and the truth was finally out there? She ran out of the restaurant, symbolically slapping John in the face and making him out to be the fool, who steadfastly believed her when she told him they would be together. Marlena wasn’t quite able to accept that fact yet, and therefore, she forced it back down to concentrate on her date with Roman.
As they prepared to step out the door, her conscience spoke to her, “Sooner or later, you’ll have to deal with it, Marlena.. the longer this goes on, the more you are hurting the man you said you loved with all your heart, the man who has waited patiently for you all these months, the man who has been there for you every single time you’ve needed him. And now, when John needs your love and support the most, what are you doing? Are you with him, helping him understand that what happened to Kristen wasn’t his fault? No, you’re letting him face that pain all alone, wondering if he’ll ever have you in his life again. Instead you are going on a date with the man who left you all alone and crying, the man who shoved a divorce down your throat and left town for three years.’ She ignored it for the moment, but a part of her heart had to acknowledge the accuracy of that statement. The best she could do now was make a plan to cut the evening short and then go find John and give him at least some of what he needed. Somewhere deep inside there was this nagging sense that he was even more troubled than she first surmised and that he needed her very much. Marlena couldn’t ignore that concern and found herself distracted for most of the evening, much to her dining companion’s chagrin.
After eating dinner and sharing a few laughs about old times, Roman asked her to dance to their old song, “Up Where We Belong” and it felt surprisingly good to hear it. “Doc, I know you’re concerned about John, but he’ll be allright. Let’s try to just enjoy the rest of the evening. Would you please dance me with me?” he asked expectantly.
Marlena smiled in remembrance when she heard the first few bars of the song and took the hand he offered, letting him guide her out onto the dancefloor. “Of course I will, Roman. Thank you,” she said sweetly. Reminiscing was a nice way to spend an evening and she found herself feeling closer to Roman, though she was still periodically thinking of John. She was very fond of Roman and in a moment of warmth, he made his move and kissed her with passion. She began to respond to him briefly, and was surprised by her reaction. ‘What are you doing, Marlena?’ she asked herself in astonishment as she pulled out of the kiss. As they neared the end of the dance, her mind was filled with a sense of utter bewilderment about what had just transpired.
As she labored to make sense of her thoughts and emotions, she looked up and was absolutely mortified to gaze into the pair of brilliant blue eyes she had admired for so long now. The desolate anguish she saw there was more profound than she ever could have imagined, and knowing that she put it there was heartbreaking. John was standing near the entrance to the restaurant with Hope Williams, obviously preparing to have dinner with her, and it was painfully clear that he had seen Roman and Marlena dancing very closely, as well as kissing each other. John’s face bore an agonizing expression of intense grief and loss; he stared mournfully at her for a fleeting moment, turned quickly to say something to Hope and then fled the scene.
Marlena stood there in stunned silence for an excruciatingly long second or two, her eyes meeting Hope’s which communicated a strong protective connection to John and the young woman’s disappointment on his behalf. This was a woman who knew what it felt like to see the person she loved with someone else, believing all hope was lost. Hope turned away swiftly, planning to help John handle this latest distressing shock. It was one thing to conjecture about losing Marlena, but to see it happening before his eyes had to be extremely painful. Hope knew that first hand as well, and she vowed to make sure John didn’t have to deal with it alone.
John slumped into the elevator and willed the doors to shut, fighting back a river of tears. As his body slid down the cold metal walls with agonizing slowness, he groaned, almost as if he were in physical pain, and then cried out in his profound sadness and loss, “Oh, Doc…. Oh.. I thought… I still hoped.. Oh, God! You said it was ME! Why? Oh.. why Doc?”
When the ride ended, he managed to make it to a standing position and staggered out of the building and into the frosty air of a dark winter’s night. Carrie and Austin were just arriving and Carrie saw the deep pain in John’s face as he went blindly past them, his vision clouded by disconsolate tears. He was definitely in no condition to be driving and she was quite alarmed. “John… hey, John stop…what’s wrong?” she called out worriedly, but he kept right on moving with startling haste for someone who was so distraught he was barely able to remain upright. John didn’t even acknowledge their presence, which was so unlike him.
Carrie turned to her husband and shared a swift conclusion, “Austin, whatever just happened, he’s much too upset to drive. We have to stop him!” Austin nodded in agreement and ran out into the parking lot, scanning the area for a glimpse of a running figure. He saw John about to reach the Jeep and made a mad dash to catch him before he drove off.
The young wife stood apprehensively at the entrance, watching to see if her husband would be successful in his quest to stop John from leaving, as Hope and Marlena exited the elevator, looking every bit as concerned as she was. “Did you see John?” asked both women anxiously in unison, as they frantically raced out toward the front door of the Titan building. Carrie matched their rapid pace, and said a quick, “Yes,” and pointed out toward the lot as she added, “I did.. he was so upset. What’s going on? Is it about Kristen, I knew he might take it hard, but he looked absolutely horrible.. like he… just…lost his.. best… friend.” She was slowing down as she spoke the last few words and looking at Marlena’s face, she saw guilt written all over it. “Oh, Marlena… you didn’t just.. choose Roman, did you?” she asked fearfully, realizing even as she asked that it was what John must believe. That was the only thing that could cause the kind of misery he was so obviously experiencing. Marlena, whose heart was full of regret, burst into tears and tried to answer, “Oh.. Carrie, he thinks I did! He.. saw me dancing with Roman and… kissing him. After everything that’s happened lately, he probably thinks it’s over for us. You should have seen the wounded look in his eyes.. I may as well have killed him on the spot, Carrie.”
Hope was astounded by the timing of it all and told them her take on the situation, “Marlena, he was already so upset about Kristen’s death. He really believes it was his fault and it was all I could do to get him to come out to dinner with me.” Shaking her head sadly, she continued, “He was telling me just a few minutes ago how he thought you were slipping away from him a little more with each passing day, and seeing you with Roman like that… I don’t mind telling you that I’m very worried about him.”
Marlena started to cry again and said, “So am I, Hope… so am I! I’m so sorry I hurt him. Oh, God, I’ve hurt him so much! I promised him over and over that we’d be together once the truth was out.. and I…ripped his heart out when I didn’t keep that promise! And now.. he thinks..” Shaking her and sobbing she spoke out with guilty sorrow. “Oh, I’ve made such a mess of everything!” she cried, feeling terrible about what John observed, still not understanding why she had responded, however briefly, to Roman’s kiss. At last, she was willing to admit that she had seriously hurt John by putting him off. He had endured the pain of waiting for her rather quietly this time, but he was suffering immensely these past few weeks and she was the one to blame for it. On top of that there were his feelings about Kristen’s death. Silently, Marlena offered up a desperate prayer, “Oh, Dear God… I do love him.. please don’t let anything happen to him tonight! Help me find him and give him what he needs, what I should have given him all these months, all of my heart and all of my love.”
When she finished the prayer and opened her eyes, she saw Austin Reed standing in front of her, breathing hard from the exertion of running. The apologetic expression on his face told her the answer to the unspoken question on all three women’s minds. Then he said, “I’m sorry, I was too late to stop him. John is gone.”
Marlena, Hope, Carrie and Austin stared silently into the parking lot outside the Titan Publishing building, not knowing quite what else to do or say. Marlena was weeping and Carrie gave her a warm hug of encouragement, saying, “He’s just.. upset right now, he’ll be allright, Marlena.”
Marlena only nodded and cried harder. “Oh, I hope so, Carrie!” she finally said, fearing for his safety and worrying about his emotional state. “He was so hurt… Oh, John… I’m so sorry!”
The small group was quiet for a moment after that, then turned to the sound of another person approaching from behind. It was Roman, who was standing near the table and didn’t see John and Hope arrive earlier, and therefore had no inkling of the tumultuous incident which had transpired in the span of five minutes. He saw Marlena leave and had taken the next elevator down to the lobby area and was striding purposefully toward them. “Marlena.. what’s going on? Why did you rush out of the restaurant and why are you so upset?” he asked, baffled by the sight of Marlena sobbing in his daughter’s arms.
Hope decided to take him aside and explain part of it, enough to stop him from pressing Marlena for answers. Then she would leave the rest to Marlena, allowing her to decide what she wanted to tell him. “Roman.. John and I were standing in the entrance to the restaurant when you and Marlena were dancing. He..”
Roman nodded and fought back the smile of pure satisfaction that wanted to escape, understanding exactly what had happened. “John saw us and he ran out…. Marlena was… worried and followed him, but she didn’t catch him before he raced out of the parking lot.” Then it hit him why she was so distressed, and the internal smile disappeared instantly. “And now she’s feels guilty for hurting him. Did I get it right?” he asked, the jealousy not even slightly hidden.
Hope winced at his acid tone when he finished, but said, “Yes.. you got it right. She’s very worried about him, Roman. He was already feeling bad about Kristen’s death and now this… it’s a lot to handle all at once.”
Unfeelingly, he agreed and then focused on himself, “Yes.. I guess it is, but the burning question is.. Is she crying so hard because she realized that she loves him more and she’s sorry she ever kissed me? Or… has she really chosen me, but just feels bad that John had to find out this way and wants to make sure he’s okay?”
“You’ll have to talk to Marlena to learn the answer to that one Roman. Good luck,” said Hope flatly, as she stepped toward Carrie and Austin, who were preparing to go on up to the restaurant.
Marlena had regained some measure of composure and resolved within her heart and mind that this was the time, time to be honest with herself and Roman, and with John as well, if she could find him. Seeing John suffer such intense anguish at the thought of losing her was the catalyst for her to face her moment of truth. She could not have them both, she could not please all her children, herself, and the Brady family too. At last, it was time to choose which man she would love in marriage, the one with whom she would share the rest of her life.
Quietly, with little emotion, she turned to her ex-husband and said, “Roman.. we have a lot to talk about. I’d like to find somewhere that’s more private to do that.”
Unable to read her face, he asked pleasantly, “How about the Penthouse, Doc? I’ll take us there right now, if you like,” he added, gesturing toward the car. She smiled weakly, saying, “Yes.. that will be fine, thank you. ” Marlena then politely turned to the others and said, “Carrie, Austin, Hope.. thank you for your support of me and John as well. Please.. if you hear from him, let me know.” The others nodded, but didn’t say more, wondering as much as Roman what Marlena was going to say, which man she was prepared to choose.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John left the scene as quickly as possible, not wanting to have Marlena tell him to his face that she had chosen Roman. It would be too gutwrenchingly painful to have her stand there and tell him how sorry she was and how she wished he didn’t have to be hurt by seeing them together that way. He dreaded hearing all the kind but tortuous words she would be sure to say to him at their parting. And her tears for hurting him again.. how he hated to see her cry. No.. it was better this way. He briefly pondered what to do next, then made a swift decision about his future and went about making it happen, not wanting to waste any time once he was set on a course of action. John went first to the Inn, then to the Pub. There were a couple of stops after that and then he would start his new life, a life devoid of love. He vowed never to fall in love again, it was just too painful to keep giving away his heart only to have it crushed every single time, whether by death, deception, or good old fashioned rejection. Any way he looked at it, the pain was the same and he decided that he had suffered enough.
Besides… all the time alone had proven something to John beyond any discernible doubt, something a part of him had always known. It was an unimpeachable fact that Marlena Evans was the only woman he would ever truly love with every ounce of his soul, and she didn’t want him anymore, therefore, he was resolute. John Black was finished with love, forever. The tears he shed seemed to come from some place deep inside that he didn’t even know was there… and they wouldn’t stop, no matter how hard he tried to force them back down, as he thought about living the rest of his life without her. Without her smile, without looking into those… incredible eyes… without touching her, holding her… but he had to go… he believed there was no other choice.
If I… should stay
I would only be in your way
So I’ll go, but I know
I’ll think of you every step of the way
And I… will always love you
I will always love you
You… my darling you……
John went to the Pier… and immersed himself in the memories of their countless intimate conversations there, the reunions… the incredible, blissful ecstasy of believing they would always love each other with the same intensity and depth of emotion as in those moments, the warm embraces, their shining faces glistening with joyful tears, the agonizing pain of having to let go of that love.. too many times.. The tears of regret and loss they had both shed because of that word goodbye. Oh, Doc… I don’t want to leave… but I can’t live here and see you with him.. every day.. pretending to be happy for you.. it’s just too hard! It almost killed me the last time… I’m sorry, but this is the way it has to be… I love you, I always have and I always will.”
After taking the engagement ring out of his pocket, John stared at it for the longest time. Wondrous images of their brief summer reunion came to mind again and he couldn’t stop the tears this time either. Remembering their last night of passion, he cried out in the desolate agony of believing he would never touch her velvety soft skin again, never enfold her slender heavenly body in his arms, never kiss her sweet lips, never inhale the seductive aroma of her perfume, “Oh.. Marlena.. I love you so much! Oh..God.. how can I live without her? How am I ever gonna survive losing her again? Please tell me how!”
Bittersweet memories
That is all I’m taking with me
So goodbye, please don’t cry
We both know I’m not what you need
And I will always love you
I will always love you…
An hour later, John was on the plane awaiting takeoff. He looked about the cabin and more memories of their history came to mind. Vivid images of the intense and amazing, almost metaphysical lovemaking they shared in a plane just like this one were forever etched in his brain. Memories of standing inches away from her and wanting her so desperately that he was almost afraid of his overwhelming passion for her, then finally being able to touch her and kiss her as he had ached to do for so long, hearing her breathing quicken as he kissed her deeply and caressed her soft creamy white skin, her flushed body moving in perfect time with his, their mutually powerful desire to meld together into one flesh… every motion, every sigh, every moan.. as they peaked together in ecstasy was recorded in detail and would never be forgotten.
Unfortunately, the same could be said about the excruciating pain that followed… the moment she told him not to say he loved her, the moment she reminded him that her heart belonged to Roman and not him, and that it was never hers to give him.
“It was mine.. once,” he had said tearfully with a shaky voice, wishing she would stay with him and leave her husband, yet realizing in the instant they finished their incredibly pleasurable lovemaking that she wouldn’t. “It was never mine to give you. It’s Roman’s.. it belongs to Roman now,” was the painful reply that pierced his heart like the sharpest of poison daggers. Those heartbreaking words were always there in the back of his mind, and now it seemed as though she had just uttered them. “Oh.. Doc! I really thought it was mine this time!” he cried bitterly as he tried to force that last recollection from his heart and mind. He failed miserably in the attempt.
As he recalled the instant he had stepped off the elevators at the Penthouse Grill to see her dancing close to Roman, then kissing him passionately, tears returned to his melancholy eyes and he groaned with the knowledge that it was happening all over again. His love just wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t right for her, it only seemed to cause her pain.
His love always caused pain, it appeared.. even Kristen was hurt by it because he had been in love with Marlena the whole time he was with her and now she was dead, when he could have saved if her if he hadn’t been so full of anger. Shaking off the memories of Kristen’s lifeless body floating in the swimming pool, then inside a black body bag at the morgue, his mind went right back to the image of Marlena and Roman in each other’s arms. John was firmly convinced that she loved Roman more than him, that she always had and she always would. “I should have known.. the second he showed up in Salem.. I should have known.. but I fooled myself into believing she’d choose me this time.”
Fingering a picture of himself and the three people he loved most in all the world, John spoke to his great love as if she were with him, “Oh.. Doc! I have loved you for so long.. almost since the day you walked into that examining room.. when I was nothing and nobody. Your dazzling smile and your dancing eyes lit up my dark world.. and I knew right then that I was gonna make it.. because you were there reaching out your hand to me. I owe you so much pretty lady. I just.. wish I knew how in the world I’m gonna make it now.. Without you in my world…. it’s dark again, Doc.. it’s so dark! Oh..God.. I love her! I love her so much!” he cried, desperately wishing his Lord would intervene and make his dreams come true.
His anguished tearful lament was interrupted by the pilot.. “Mr. Black.. we’re ready for takeoff, please buckle up now.”
“Thanks, Tom… Let’s get going then,” he managed to say in response. As the pilot conducted last minute safety checks and began to turn the plane around, maneuvering it into position to depart, John looked out the window and said one last moist farewell. “Goodbye, Marlena… I hope you find the happiness you deserve with Roman. I know he loves you and he’ll protect you and do everything he can to bring you joy. Oh, how I wish it could be me… I’ll never forget what we had together. I’ll cherish every memory we made, and I’ll love you …forever. Goodbye…Doc!”
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love
And I will always love you
I will always love you……
Darling I love you
I will always love you……
Roman offered Marlena his arm and they walked wordlessly to the car. When they arrived at the Penthouse, Marlena instantly noticed the blinking light on her answering machine. She managed to find a way to wait until Roman was in the bathroom to listen to it. What she heard was more upsetting still. It was the tearful pain filled voice of the man she loved:
“Doc.. it’s me… I just wanted to… I want you to know… I’ll always love you. No matter where I am, no matter how far apart we are… you’ll always be in my heart and soul and if.. you.. ever.. need me, I’ll be there. Marlena.. you’ve… touched my life in so many ways… I can’t even say it in words. I… think I… understand.. what happened and I’m.. not angry.. I just wish… Oh, God.. I love you! Don’t ever forget that I love you with every part of myself… Well, I… guess I should… give you my.. best wishes.. or something. I hope..you find..the happiness you deserve, Marlena.” There was a long pause and all she could hear were his ragged tear choked breaths and then there was a barely audible whisper, “Goodbye Doc..”
“Oh, John! Oh my God.. No!” Marlena wept openly, she couldn’t possibly stop the tears of remorse and sadness from flowing. She had no doubt about what the message meant; John was leaving Salem. He was saying goodbye to her forever.
Another message played after that one. “Marlena… it’s Caroline.. listen.. did something happen with John tonight? He came by here and said that he had to go out of town suddenly and he went up to see the kids. When he came down, he asked us to help pack up some of Brady’s things. He wasn’t making a lot of sense and he seemed very upset Marlena. Finally, he thanked us for all our love and support and said he’d call us soon. Then he rushed out of the Pub. I think he’d been crying.. anyway, we’re very worried about him… call us, please.”
Covering her mouth with both hands, she burst into tears of regret and loss, “Oh.. no.. he’s really leaving me, for good. Oh, my God! No, John… don’t go, please don’t go, you misunderstood! I wasn’t choosing Roman.. Oh, John!”
I don’t really need to look very much further
I don’t want to have to go where you don’t follow
I won’t hold it back again, this passion inside
Can’t run from myself
There’s nowhere to hide
Don’t make me close one more door
I don’t want to hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Must I imagine you there
Don’t walk away from me
I have nothing nothing
If I don’t have you…
Roman came up behind her as she started to cry and speak as if John were in the room with her. He finally acknowledged in his mind that he had been fooling himself; she loved John with all her heart, so much that just the thought of him leaving town was ripping her apart inside. Though it tore at the very fabric of his soul, Roman made a completely selfless decision for the first time since he heard John and Marlena professing their undying love on the plane at New Year’s.
Taking her gently in his arms, Roman wiped her tears away and said softly, “Doc.. I love you.. but I know that you don’t love me the way I hoped you would. I guess in some ways.. I’ve known it since the first time I saw you with him. You love John more than you love me and you have for a long time now. I can see that by how upset you are right now, how worried you’ve been about him ever since the medical examiner told us Kristen’s death was a suicide and John started to blame himself.”
She simply couldn’t deny the truth any longer, but hurting this kind loving man was so difficult. She sighed wearily and then said sadly, “Oh, Roman… I.. care about you so much, you know that. You’re so important to me, and I wish.. ” Roman hushed her by putting a fingertip to her lips and she felt moisture forming behind her eyes at his selflessness. She was genuinely touched and it made her care for him even more.
He smiled warmly at her, feeling surprisingly good to be giving her the freedom she had so long needed and desired. Roman knew that to some degree she needed his blessing in order to allow herself to fully commit to John in love and marriage. “So.. go on, get out of here, Marlena, don’t waste any more time, we can talk this out later. Go out there and find John. Tell him you love him and.. be happy, Doc. That is all I ever really wanted for you.. you know that, don’t you?” he asked as tears formed and began to slip out of his sad, but proud eyes. He was doing what was right… for her and he couldn’t help but feel good about that. Her heart was breaking for him, and partly for herself as well. Taking his hands in hers, she spoke through her tears, “Oh.. Roman.. a part of my heart.. will always.. belong to you.. I..love you!”
He nodded tearfully and said, “I know… and I’ll always love you too, Doc.. Now go on out there and make John the luckiest man in the universe. He loves you so much, Doc.. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.” Roman started toward the door and then politely opened it and held it for her, exiting behind her.
“Goodbye.. Roman!” she whispered through her tears of loss. Saying goodbye to their past was very painful, but it had to be done if she were ever to move forward with John Black, the man she truly loved and find the happiness that had mysteriously eluded them both through so many years of pain and separation. If only she knew where that man was.
As Marlena drove through Salem at speeds she wouldn’t normally reach, in search of her soulmate, hoping to catch up with him before it was too late, she too remembered the highlights of their love and friendship. First there was that first uncertain encounter well over a decade ago, when he was a man with no name, no past, no memories at all. His mind was a blank slate; he acted strong and self assured, and he was annoyingly overprotective of women, but inside he was much like a frightened child and he needed her desperately. She was there and what started out as a somewhat advesarial relationship blossomed into a strong friendship that had endured unimaginably difficult circumstances. Later that friendship became a deep and abiding love that went well beyond the bounds of normal romantic involvements. An amazing, undeniable emotional and spiritual bond had stretched between them for all of those years. Nothing could ever break that deep connection, not even their own concerted efforts to do so when they thought it was necessary for the well being of the others they loved. As her mind took her back to that time, the realization struck like lightning. She knew without a doubt where he was…
You see through right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of your love
I never knew love like I’ve known it with you
Will the memory survive
One I can hold on to
I don’t really need to look very much further
I don’t want to have to go where you don’t follow
I won’t hold it back again, this passion inside
Can’t run from myself
There’s nowhere to hide
Your love I remember.. forever
Don’t make me close one more door
I don’t want to hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don’t walk away from me
Don’t you dare walk away from me
I have nothing.. nothing.. nothing
If I don’t have you…
You..
John moved slowly away from the window and prepared to sit on the couch for the flight to Europe. As he stemmed the flow of tears momentarily and wiped the moisture from his red cheeks with his outstretched fingertips, he imagined he heard someone calling his name… No.. it couldn’t be… then he heard it again; it was soft and low, “John.” He whirled around to see an exquisite vision of lovliness standing before him, a vision that must have been heaven sent. “Marlena?” he said, his expression transforming from somber to bewildered. His mind was spinning with questions and his heart was doing cartwheels. ‘Why was she there? Could it be?’
John could only stand with his mouth agape, his gaze transfixed by the sudden appearance of the beautiful woman whom he loved all the way to his soul, the woman whom he was fully, albeit reluctantly prepared to hand over to her other love.
Marlena took the lead, stepping slowly closer, and saying, “John… why are you leaving? Where are you going?”
Not wanting to be vulnerable he answered curtly without looking directly into her eyes, careful to keep his emotional and physical distance, “Didn’t you get my message, Doc. You know why… and where doesn’t matter, not anymore.”
She didn’t like the way this encounter was starting out and she let some her own frustration sneak into her tone of voice, “Yes, I got it… but I want you to tell me in person, John. Tell me why you were going to run off in the night without seeing me, without talking to me, without explaining anything to the children.” Marlena added one last comment meant to jar him into speaking honestly, “without going to the funeral of a woman whose death you think you caused. Explain it to me, John.”
That stung as intended, and his temper flared slightly, “Doc… you know why! You were with Roman.. you chose him and it’s over for us. I didn’t want another… long goodbye, and I can say my farewell to Kristen privately, I don’t need to go to a funeral to do that. As far as the kids go.. I’ll decide what to do about that..soon. Listen.. my plane is ready for takeoff, so would you please go.. go on back…to the man you love,” he finished as he turned away from her sadly, the anger vanishing.
Marlena didn’t like being dismissed and confronted him strongly, “So you’re taking the coward’s way out, is that it? You were going to run away from your feelings, just like…” She stopped mid-sentence realizing that revisiting the last time they tried to say goodbye would hurt him too much. Seeing his shoulders slump, and hearing his heavy sigh, she knew she was right. Still, she pushed him, “So you’re just going to let me go without a fight, is that it?”
Feelings he had denied even to himself seemed to rush to surface in the instant she uttered those challenging words. John turned back toward her and nearly exploded with frustration, “Let you go? Let you go without a fight! That’s what you think this is?” There was a strange combination of hurt and anger in his face when she looked at him. Then he continued expressing his emotions, “Doc.. for months you told me that the only thing keeping us apart was Roman’s illness and your… concern for him. Marlena, you said it to me over and over until you were sick of saying it! You told me that I was the only man in your heart, the man you wanted to marry! ” He snapped his fingers as he said, “And, then.. the truth finally comes out and suddenly you’re torn between us… Just when did that happen, Doc? Explain to me exactly what it was that changed your mind in the half dozen hours between the time you reassured me of your …undying love and the time you cancelled our date to be with him, because I sure don’t understand it, Marlena!” The anger was rising, the longer he dwelled on what had transpired in the weeks since that night, and he said accusingly, “Or.. were you lying to me all those months.. just stringing me along… so you could have both of us fighting over you?”
She was incredulous at that last comment, “John! You know that’s not true! How could you say something like that to me?”
He didn’t apologize, choosing instead to defend his assertion, “Marlena.. how do you expect me to feel about it? Explain to me why you couldn’t tell him that I was the one you wanted to marry once he knew about us, why you broke all your promises to me! Marlena… we were so much in love… and you loved it when I held you, when I kissed you.. and told you everything would be allright for us. But ever since that night… Doc… you barely even let me touch you when we’re together. Hell, you can hardly look me in the eye lately. And then I see you dancing so close to him, I watched while you kissed him like that? What would you feel if it were you?”
That last question reminded her of times past and because he had put her on the defensive, she fired back at him with both barrels in a long tirade that left him flabbergasted, “How would I feel.. you want to know how I would feel!! Okay.. John, if you must know.. I’ll tell you! I watched you… with Kristen for more than a year! You were constanly telling me how important I was to you… how you cared so much for me.. as a friend. Then when her lies were exposed you expected me to believe that you were secretly in love with me all the while Kristen was hanging all over you.. rubbing it in my face. I saw you.. having… sex with her in your wine cellar for God’s sake! I heard you telling her over and over how much you loved her… in front of me! You kept telling me how happy you were that she was having your baby, how you couldn’t wait to have a family with her! Hearing you constantly say how wonderful she was.. how sweet and loving and considerate she was of other people… it made me absolutely sick to see hear all that and to see you fawning all over each other like… animals in heat! And you want to know something else while we’re at it? I find it hard to believe that you actually feel grief and guilt about her suicide… She was EVIL John and I’m… not sorry she’s dead!!”
John nearly fell over to hear such venomous words, such vehement anger and disgust come from this woman, who was always in control of her emotions. He was utterly speechless and he had to sit down, stumbling backwards onto the seat, as if he were punched in the stomach. John had no idea of the fierce hatred she felt toward Kristen and more importantly he didn’t know how she felt about his behavior while he was with the other woman. He didn’t have the slightest idea of how to respond. Finally, he looked up and whispered apologetically, “I… I’m… sorry.. I… didn’t… realize.” Then he fell silent, a myriad of confused thoughts and feelings running through his already troubled mind. Neither knew what would happen next and there was a long uncomfortable period of silence that followed.
After saying her piece, Marlena felt suddenly relieved of a heavy burden and she sat down next to the man, who was sitting in stunned silence about all she had revealed of her true feelings. Finally, he spoke again, “Doc.. why didn’t you tell me how you felt about all that.. before?”
She sighed exhaustedly and said uncertainly, “Oh, I don’t know.. I guess that I didn’t even realize myself.. how I really felt until this moment. John.. I know she hurt you and I know that you once loved her, when she was different. Seeing you with her was so difficult, knowing how evil she had become, but I have to admit that I could have exposed her sooner than I did. That part of it isn’t your fault. You were trusting and you believed she was still the kind person she once was and you didn’t know how I felt about you. I’m sorry for being so.. harsh.”
“It’s okay, Doc.. I guess I deserved all that. I never meant to hurt you. I just… tried to make a life for myself because I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t mean to flaunt our relationship in front of you, I thought.. you were..happy for us, that’s how you made it seem to me. I’m very sorry that I didn’t pick up on how you were really feeling, that I didn’t see through her facade. I sure have made a mess of things, haven’t I?” he asked rhetorically, suddenly feeling ashamed of himself all over again.
She reached out a hand and touched his hair and his cheeks, saying softly, “Oh.. honey.. don’t beat yourself up over this. I was blowing off steam because of what you said about me stringing you along. I know that most of what happened wasn’t your fault. “
He frowned, angry with himself, saying, “I’m sorry for that too, I didn’t really mean it.. I just don’t understand what happened between us and how it all changed so fast once the truth came out. Maybe if I can understand it, I’ll be able to let go easier. Can you please explain it to me, Marlena?”
Marlena stood up and began to walk across the cabin, gathering her thoughts, trying to find a way to put her recent confusion in words that would make him understand. “I’ll try, John.. but I’m not exactly sure myself. I… meant what I said to you all those times.. I really intended to tell Roman that night, but somehow when I was there… and he told me how much he loved me, that he had forgiven us…” Shaking her head, she stepped back toward him and said, “Oh, John.. he asked for another chance and I did love him. I don’t really understand it, but I just couldn’t say no to him. And the two of you.. were fighting over me like teenage boys with raging hormones.. I just had to get out of there.. and then the longer it went unresolved, the harder it was to choose. I didn’t want to hurt either of you, so I delayed making a decision.”
John thought he was beginning to make sense out of what had taken place and shared his conclusion, “And then tonight.. you made your choice… while you were dancing with Roman. It brought back all those memories and you decided that he was the one you wanted to spend your life with, not me.” The sense of loss he was experiencing was nearly overwhelming and it was obvious from the despondant expression on his face and the moisture in his eyes.
“Yes.. I made my choice tonight, but it didn’t happen the way you think it did. The dance did bring back old memories and I did feel closer to Roman, closer than I have for a very long time. He kissed me and I responded to him for a second or two.”
John kept seeing those images in his mind and each time the pain grew more intense, the grief seemed impossible to handle and he said despairingly, “And that was when you knew… Listen.. I don’t want to do this anymore. I understand and I wish you joy and happiness with him, but you have to go now.. With bitter tears in his dejected blue eyes, he said sadly, “Please, Doc.. if you care about me, you’ll say goodbye now and let me go.”
“No.. John.. that’s not it.. please listen to me,” she implored.
Shaking his head to disagree, he was insistent, “Marlena.. don’t you understand that this…hurts too much! I can’t do this with you… I can’t take this pain! All I want to do right now is hold you in my arms and make love to you like we used to do, but I know that will never happen again.. Now, please… if you ever.. loved me.. you’ll leave me.. now.” he cried, in agony at the knowledge that it was happening the way he feared ever since their wedding day was interrupted by the other man’s unexpected reappearance in Salem. Roman was taking her back.. after all that time, after all the pain and separation they had endured before finally reuniting, he showed up and snatched her back. John knew that his love would always be second best and he felt his heart crumbling into a million tiny pieces with that realization.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, John because I do love you. I simply have to stay, John.” She started to say one more thing, but John cut her off as she did so. “I can’t leave because you’re….”
John was reaching his breaking point and he practically begged her to go, “Because I’m so upset? Doc.. can’t you see that the longer you stay, the more it hurts me… please Marlena, you have to..”
After he started his response, she added the words, “… the one I chose. I chose you, John.”
Slowly, the last few words she had spoken began to penetrate his wounded heart and register in his muddled mind, and he stopped talking for a second. “What did you just say?” he inquired with some sense that a miracle had been granted, his eyes still glistening with moisture as he stared into her face, searching for the answer.
She smiled with the dazzling brilliance of the sun, “I said…that you are the man I want to grow old with, the man I want to raise my two little angels with.. the only one I truly love. It’s you, John! It’s you.. only you!”
His eyes went wide open with a feeling of incredulous joy and tears began to form anew as he grasped her forearms and asked in disbelief, “It’s.. me… you chose, me? Oh.. Doc.. I can’t believe it.. you really chose me?”
Marlena was ecstatic for both of them and loved seeing the transformation in his mood taking place right before her eyes. John was completely overjoyed and she felt the same way as she answered, “Yes.. honey… I did.”
His mind scrambling to make sense of the rapid change in atmosphere, he stammered a reply with trembling lips, “H…how.. w..when.. but I.. thought..” He was so surprised to hear her say it and he was overcome by emotion, “Oh, Marlena.. I love you so much! I thought that… Oh, God.. I thought it was over forever,” he said tearfully. John pulled her into a nearly crushing embrace, wanting to ensure that it was really taking place. Suddenly, he pulled back slightly and held her face between his hands, and asked with a shaky voice, praying it was as real as it seemed, “Marlena.. I.. I’m not..dreaming, am I? This is really happening, right?”
She began to kiss him, gently, tenderly; the stimulating sensation of her soft sweet lips on his made him moan with pleasure. She stopped after she saw the beginnings of his arousal and then whispered in his ears, “Yes.. honey.. it’s real. Now.. I only have one more thing to say to you, John Black.”
“Okay… what is it, Marlena?” he asked in a slightly dazed state, while nuzzling her neck, and nibbling on her ear lobes.
Suddenly a thought occurred to her and she amended her statement, “Well, on second thought.. it’s two things. First.. give me back my ring please!” she said excitedly as she put her left hand out in front of her.
John’s eyes sparkled with delight and he quickly reached into the pocket of his trusty leather jacket and found the requested item, thinking about how close he had come to just chucking it into the river while he was out on the pier earlier in the evening. Getting down on one knee, he took her left hand in his left and quietly asked her with quivering lips, “Marlena Evans, my best friend.. the love of my life.. my soulmate, will you please marry me?”
She began to weep with great joy and relief and nodded her answer, then managed a soft whisper, “Yes… oh, yes I will marry you, my love. I love you so..”
After slipping the ring on her finger with his right hand, he took her gently into the warmth of his arms, and spoke with great sincerity. “And I love you.. more than I can ever express. Doc, you are my… light, my hope.. my prize..my whole world and you have just made me that happiest man on the planet.”
As they embraced with a sense of elated amazement, Marlena took off John’s coat slowly, in silence, and he gladly repaid the favor. There was a brief pause in activities before Marlena made her next decisive move. Sensuously, she whispered between soft feathery, enticing kisses all over his face, neck and chest, “And the second thing is… make love to me, John. Make love to me.. right.. now and then..there won’t be..one.. single.. solutary.. doubt..in.. your mind.. or your… body… that this.. isn’t..a dream.”
“Woah.. Doc.. I’m convinced.. Oh, man am I convinced!” he said with breathless intensity, as he captured her mouth with a fiery kiss of great passion.
A time for us
Someday there’ll be
When chains are torn
By courage born
Of a love that’s free
A time when dreams
So long denied
Can flourish……
John took a moment to dim the lights and turn on the stereo to help set the mood. As they settled down onto the very familiar looking black leather seat, beginning to undress, Marlena felt the plane beginning to taxi down the runway. John, who was nibbling on her ear lobes and working very hard to unzip her dress and then hopefully undo her bra, with one hand while the other deftly caressed her cheeks and gently threaded her hair, was oblivious to all other stimuli.
Marlena was initially somewhat puzzled by his lack of awareness yet found her own concern fading as she began to feel quite aroused by his ministrations. She had to work to concentrate and ask the question that came to mind only a second before, “John..honey.. don’t you think you should say something to the pilot? He.. uh.. seems to be preparing for takeoff.”
John chuckled, but didn’t stop kissing and touching her, and said lustfully, “So am I.. Doc… want to join me? It’s gonna be one wild ride.. I promise.”
“Ooh, I can’t wait, honey!” she exclaimed with a giggle, followed by a more sexy chuckle and an extremely passionate kiss that left John wanting more. Her soon to be lover groaned with rapidly increasing desire.
The sound of her sensual throaty laughter surrounded him and filled his heart and soul with mirth and his body with heated excitement; and to think that only moments ago he had sunk to the depths of despair. John truly believed he had lost her to Roman.. again and in his darkest moments, he felt as though the very life energy had been drained out of him, permanently. John simply couldn’t begin to imagine his life without Marlena Evans. She was the one who found him when he was nothing more than a face and an empty shell of a person. She had literally given him a life and now… just when he thought she was letting him go for her other love she had come here to this place, not just to stop him from leaving town, but to take him back, into her life, her heart and her home. Marlena loved HIM! It was nothing short of a miracle to John Black that the most beautiful, loving, compassionate, forgiving woman in all of creation…loved HIM, not the other man. It was still so unreal that he had to ask the questions that were swirling around in his mind. Stopping in mid kiss, he looked at her closely and asked uncertainly, “Doc… are you.. sure? About.. me? About this..?”
Marlena understood why he was still so insecure; she had to admit that she had given him good reason to feel that way. Taking his cheeks tenderly between her hands, she gazed at him with the warmest, most lovingly sincere expression he could have imagined and said convincingly, “Yes, John… I have never been more sure of anything in my life than the love I feel for you and my desire to be with you right now. John Black.. I love you, I love YOU, I LOVE you.” She said it three different ways to illustrate the strength and conviction of the emotion she felt for him. “You are everything I want, everything I need, everything I have ever dreamed of, John… and marrying you and then spending the rest of my life with you, Belle and Brady is what I want most in all the world.”
He felt tears of elation fill his eyes and he simultaneously breathed out a long sigh that was laden with undefinable emotions; it was a mixture of confusing feelings: love, joy, peace, contentment, comfort, and safety, to name but a few. Finally, he put some of them to words as he returned her gesture. Staring into her inviting eyes as he placed his hands gently upon her slender shoulders, John said, “Oh… Marlena.. you have no idea how incredible it is to hear you talk to me like that. I really thought it was over when I saw you.. with him..and I couldn’t begin to think of a way to live without you. I was a fool to ever think it was possible. I love you… so much, Doc…and I’m sorry I ever let you slip through my hands. Not committing myself to you when you first came back to me on the pier all those years ago was my greatest mistake in this life. I did love Isabella, you know that, but… if I had only done that.. maybe we…”
Marlena put her right forefinger over his lips, hushing him as she shook her head lightly, “No… John, no more looking back… no more regrets. We don’t have any need for that. This is our time, here and now and forevermore.”
John stared with amazement into her glistening hazel eyes, those loving eyes that gazed straight through to his soul and he found himself speechless. He nodded and after a minute or so, managed to say, “Forever.. I like how that sounds…. and you’re right, Doc.. we do need to look forward. But that being said…I want you to know… all those years we were apart I always.. hoped and prayed there would be a time for us and now it’s here. I can hardly believe it!”
Tears wanted to fall from his eyes as he told her what was happening inside him a short time earlier, ” I really thought I’d lost you tonight and I was.. devastated, but I did mean what I said. If you had chosen him I would have… tried to.. be happy for you because… your happiness is all I ever wanted in this life. You have been through so much and more than anything else… I wanted you to smile and laugh, Doc… I mean really laugh, and if.. Roman was the one who could do that for you, then I was willing….to let you go. I love you that much, Marlena… that’s why I was leaving.”
She started to weep, as she responded to his loving words, “Oh, John… I just love you so.. much! You have been so.. incredibly selfless and I have hurt you…so many times.. I’ve pushed you away, and I’m so sorry.” Taking his hands in hers, she looked into his eyes, saying,” You have to know how much I love you, John… All these months.. I have ached for you, I have longed to feel your arms around me, and your hands… oh, how I love your hands.” She pulled them to her lips, kissing them and then she kept going, “The reason… I didn’t let you touch me… is because… it takes only the slightest contact between us to send shivers of desire all through my body.. and your kiss…honey… I get lost in your kisses. I can’t even think straight, in fact, I can’t think of anything else but being with you when you’re that close to me, John. I wanted to make absolutely certain that I didn’t.. hurt you.. by having some feelings for Roman resurface… so I needed to take some time to figure it out.”
Quietly, he said, “I understand now, Doc.. it was just.. when I saw you kissing him.. it made me think…”
“She cut him off gently, not wanting him to dwell on the pain he felt when he stepped into the restaurant earlier that evening, ” I’m very sorry you saw us tonight.. but kissing him, dancing with him and then seeing you standing there made me finally realize something. John.. every time I said I didn’t want to hurt him… I hurt.. you instead, and I’m very sorry about that! I also realized something else. When I heard your message… I was… terrified that I’d never see you again.” She touched his face again and tearfully shared what was in her heart, “Honey… you’ve been right all along. What I feel for Roman is nothing like the love I feel for you, and he knows it now. John… you fill me up, you.. complete me. You are… the other half of my..heart and you always have been. I love you with every part of myself, John.. and I never want you to doubt that again.”
Hearing her say it so plainly, so firmly and seeing the truth of it in her expression, made him feel so loved, so cherished, and the darkness in his heart was gone as if never there at all. She was back in his life and so was the bright sunshine that flowed through him, warming his soul. “Doc.. I love you!” John said with ardor while staring intently into her eyes, just before he took her into a long and tender, but very passionate kiss, filled with all that emotion. Within a few more seconds, the overwhelming desire they always felt for each other began to rise from deep within their bodies. Then John broke off contact slightly and said, “You can’t know how it makes me feel to hear you say all that. I have loved you that way too.. it’s been killing me to be apart… sleeping alone… I have missed holding you and kissing you, touching you like we used to, more than I can even say, but I’ve learned something too.. from all of this time apart.” Reaching up to run his fingers through her silky hair, he said softly, “Marlena Evans… you are the only woman I have ever truly loved and I love you more with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take. You are..my life, my heart.. my soul and there is no other woman for me.” He paused a moment then added soberly, ” I decided tonight that I was going to live the rest of my life alone, if I couldn’t have you.”
That was taking it too far and she had to tell him so, “Oh, John… that wouldn’t have been right for you.”
He smiled, feeling strangely proud of his recognition and acceptance of what he now considered to be an incontrovertible fact. John stood up formulating his thoughts, planning to share more of what he had been thinking over the past few months, telling her things he hadn’t shared with anyone else, things that were just now coming together in his head. She watched him and listened intently to what she knew were thoughts and emotions he might never reveal again; this was a special moment in time.
“No..really, it’s true, Doc.. I finally slowed down enough to take a good look at myself. You have been the only constant in this crazy mixed up life of mine. Everything about my life has changed so many times, including my name, but not you. See… you might not know this… but you taught me how to love. I didn’t know how, Doc… I didn’t know much of anything when I met you except that I was confused and …scared and so.. all alone in the world. Marlena, you gave me love when I had nothing and no one in my life, when I didn’t even have a name to call my own. You were there for me; you didn’t have to, but you reached out your hand to me.. and you never stopped, Doc… no matter what it cost you personally. Whenever I really needed support, you were right there by my side and I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t realize exactly what that meant.”
Marlena knew what he was feeling because she felt the same way about him; he had always been there for her and in some ways she had taken it for granted. “Oh… honey.. I will always be there for you.. just as you have been for me.”
John nodded and continued telling her about what he’d been acknowledging in his own mind recently, “You know…. we haven’t really talked much about this… maybe because the memories are too painful.. maybe because another crisis always came along before we had the chance… I don’t really understand why. But, what I do know is that.. at Maison Blanche, in Aremid and Paris.. all those times when I was facing death… you were so…amazing to me.” Tears of love, respect, and admiration filled his eyes as he thought of all she had done for him. Sitting back down and taking her small hands in his, he told her with a shaky voice just what her support in the midst of his sometimes tremendous suffering meant to him, “You were so… strong and you never gave up on me.. your.. faith.. your belief in me.. was what kept me going. You gave me strength and courage that I couldn’t find inside myself… and your willingness to sacrifice… even your life for me… for ME…” Shaking his head, still not really believing all that she did, the tears began rolling down his cheeks. “I.. couldn’t believe that you… could… care that much about me.. Oh, God! I’m so sorry.. for all the time we lost because I couldn’t see that it was.. love… true love you felt for me. I must have had blinders on.” Wiping away some of the moisture with his outstretched fingertips, he nodded his head as he drew one last conclusion, “Yea.. that’s it… I was blinded to it, because I had hurt you so much and I didn’t think…that.. I was.. worthy of your love, Doc.”
And with our love
Through tears and and thorns
We will endure
As we pass surely
Through every storm…
Her heart was breaking to hear him say that about himself, knowing what a good, kind, loving, compassionate man he was, not to mention his heroics. John had supported her, rescued and brought her to safety her more times than she could even count, and yet he still felt unworthy somehow. Wanting to help him recognize how wrong he was to ever think that way about himself, she gently turned his chin toward her so that their moist eyes met, and said, “Oh…honey.. yes you are. You are more than worth everything I ever did for you. You have been there for me and the children whenever we’ve needed you and you’ve saved me from that.. monster more times than I care to think about. John, you risked your soul for me! Of course you are worthy… you are so special, you’re such an incredible man, John and I’m sorry too, that I didn’t go to you and make sure you knew just how very much I loved you all that time.”
They stared longingly into each other’s faces and then instinctively moved into a warm embrace of love and comfort and there was a slight lull in the activity and the conversation. Marlena was thoroughly confused when all of a sudden she saw a grin begin to spread slowly across his face and she watched while he fought what appeared to be a losing battle, then began to laugh. It was a hearty belly laugh that was in such contrast to the strong emotions they had just expressed. She had to force down a giggle to ask him about it. “John… sweety, why are you laughing?”
“Because…look at us, Doc.” Gesturing to the space around them, he said, still smiling, “Here we are.. alone, like we’ve hoped and wished to be.. for all these months..no.. for all these years, with a chance to be together, without any interference. All the barriers have been removed, all the obstacles that the Dimera’s threw in our way have been overcome, and here we are crying and apologizing to each other for the past which we just said we weren’t going to do.” Reaching up with the pads of his thumbs, John wiped the tears from the face of the woman he loved and asked with barely hidden intensity as he pulled her to him, “Marlena… love of my life… the woman with the most.. incredible body God EVER made… the one that I’ve been ACHING to make mad.. passionate love to for a LONG time.. can we please.. finish with our.. talk… later and..” He stopped talking to kiss her and continued doing so between the rest of the words in his request,”.. pick up.. where we..left off..which I believe was.. right.. about… here.” As he finished his sentence, he was removing her dress and then slowly moving to slip the thin straps of her camisole off the silky soft skin of her shoulders at the same time as he was kissing her ever so sweetly that she found herself getting lost again. She moaned quietly as his tongue worked magic within the warm moist confines of their mouths, and he knew he had her back, completely. “Oh.. John, honey..ooh,” she whispered as her need to be with him seemed to grow more intense by the second.
“So.. uh.. Doc… can you still think?” John teased, winking at her sensually.
With a dreamy look in her eyes, she replied breathlessly, “No… I can’t think at all anymore, John.”
John smiled with pure satisfaction and moved in for a more aggressive kiss at the same time he was finishing up with removing her camisole and panties. Tossing them carelessly across the cabin, he said, “Good, then I’ve got you exactly where I want you, lady.” That was the last word on the subject for quite awhile. After months of agonizing separation, painful yearning and uncertainty about the future of the relationship, they were free to share all of themselves, body and soul with no doubts, no interruptions, and best of all, no guilt. They were airborne, both literally and figuratively, finally liberated from that onerous burden and they could be together the way they were destined to be. At long , it was their time.
A time for us, at last to see
A life worthwhile, for you and me
A time for us
Someday there’ll be
A new world
A world of shining hope for you and me……
It was all so perfect; they were alone at last, there was romantic music playing in the background, even the lights were appropriately dimmed. This time there was no fear of interruption, nothing to interfere with their time together. With that realization, Marlena immersed herself in the wondrous sensation of being in the arms of her greatest love, shutting out the rest of the world. His soft breath on her neck sent shivers down her spine, “Ooh, John.. Oh, I need you honey.. ” Another breath and then a swipe of the tongue and a playful nibble on the ear lobe and she was on her way. Marlena took his face between her hands, kissing him hungrily and his breath threatened to leave him.
She took advantage of the moment and climbed on top of him, running her tongue around the edges of his lips, leaving him full of desire for a more complete kiss. As her hands slipped underneath his shirt and down below his belt, John felt the fire igniting quickly, threatening to roar into raging flames. “Oh.. Doc.. I want you too.. so much. I’ve waited so long for this night, so.. long, ” he said passionately, just before removing the rest of her underclothing. When she was naked, bathed in the soft glow of the subdued lighting, he paused to take in the sight of her exquisite beauty. After kissing her very gently and running his hands tenderly over her smooth rounded breasts, pleased to see her immediate arousal, he said quietly,”Marlena… you are so.. incredibly gorgeous.. you only grow more beautiful as time passes.. I love you so much!”
Marlena sighed with pleasure from his touch as well as his wonderful compliment, and she found tears forming yet again, as her joy was being made complete with the man she had loved for so very long without being able to fully express that love. Now she could and it was a glorious feeling of freedom. “Oh.. you say the sweetest things to me..my love…And you are..so.. handsome and so..good to me. You make me so.. happy, John.” She made a decision in that moment of seeing all of his love and his intense need for her in his baby blues, hearing the desire in his voice and feeling his bodily responses as she laid upon him. This was going to be a long slow session of lovemaking and she was going to be the one doing most of the loving, the one pleasing him. Pressing his incredibly sexy chest down on the seat with her hands and her body weight, she said in a sensuous whisper, “John… I want you.. to lie still, and let me.. love you. You have pleased me so… Now it’s my turn. Will you let me, John.. can you give up the control to me… for one night?”
He was speechless when he gazed deeply into her glowing eyes and saw that she was serious. Marlena wanted to make his pleasure complete and all he had to do was let her love him.. to submit to her touch, her style, her pace. With labored breaths he answered her, telling her that waiting would be next to impossible, but if it was what she wanted he would give himself over to her, “Oh, Doc.. you can’t know how very much I want you right now.. how much I need you.” After a moment’s pause to fully absorb her desire to please him, he looked at her with the most trusting expression she had ever seen, saying, “Yes.. Marlena, you.. own me.”
She smiled almost wickedly upon hearing those words and seeing the willingness to surrender in his eyes. She said agreeably, “Yes, I do.. and I always will, John.. always. Now.. lie back…and enjoy,” she commanded playfully, yet lustfully. Looking into her hazel eyes, full of mischief but radiating the same heat he was feeling, John sighed with the anticipation of ecstasy, and leaned back as ordered, closing his eyes to wait. “Whew… Doc… I’m crazy for you already…” His breathing was ragged by the time she got to unbuttoning his shirt. While she was negotiating that task with excruciating slowness, she was stopping periodically, running her hands underneath the fabric, then over the zipper area of his pants. All the while, she was kissing his neck, gliding her tongue up and down the sides of it and in and all around his ears… each swift gentle stroke fueling his fiery desire for her. Finally, she rewarded him with a long lingering kiss, her tongue slipping in and out of his mouth, swirling around his seductively, making him ache for more with every little movement.. “Oh.. Marlena..” he moaned.. realizing that it was going to be a long wait, but the journey so intensely pleasurable that it would be well worth it.
When she finished with the shirt, she leaned down to kiss his chest. She began to alternate between kissing him and using her tongue to create a trail of moisture down the length of his upper body. Marlena waited a few seconds to make him wonder before blowing with soft breaths on that trail which sent a stimulating electrical current up and down every nerve fiber in the area and then some. He was on fire and it was all he could do not to be able to touch her. “Doc.. please let me touch you now,” he pleaded, as he rose to kiss her again, his hands sneaking around to her backside.
“No.. John.. you have to wait, I’m in charge tonight; now lie down,” she said again, and he obeyed somewhat reluctantly, his eyes and his breathing telling her he was growing desperate for her. “Good, boy…” she teased, as her hands slipped inside his clothing and massaged his most intimate area. “That deserves a little reward,” she said as she unfastened his belt and began to take off his pants. John arched his back to help her, anticipating her next move. When all he had left were his briefs, she began caressing him through the cotton fabric. John was swiftly losing all control, his body full of heated desire to join with her and she kissed him with a plan to make it even more intense. As she reached down inside his briefs, her tongue parted his lips and the synchronized rhythm of her movements was enough to make him groan loudly with aching need for her, and he leaned forward, pleading again, “Oh.. Marlena… I can’t wait… please.. let me… touch you, let me.. kiss you.. oh.. Doc.. I need you!”
Her hands pushed him down yet again as she denied his request, “I know… John.. I know… not yet honey… not yet.”
“Oh… oh…please..Marlena..” he cried as her tongue found the intended target that was exposed when she finally pulled his briefs down the lengths of his lean, but very muscular legs. “Oh, John.. you are so.. sexy!” she exclaimed as she admired his nude form. Her lover was like the proverbial Greek God, every muscle looked as though it were chisled from stone, so strong, so perfect. With gentle sweeping movements of her tongue, she brought him to levels of overwhelming desire… and he cried out again. “Oh.. it feels so.. good.. oh, Doc…” There were sweat beads breaking out all over his body by this point and his breathing was harsh… Marlena loved seeing him squirm.. with heated desire for her. At last, when she thought he had waited long enough, she started low and then glided her tongue up the entire length of his body, from his toes to his lips, stopping at various strategic points along the way to plant soft feathery kisses, each of which elicited another moan, each seemingly more desperate. When she reached his mouth, she kissed him fiercely, then whispered in his ears at nearly the same time. “John… are you ready to be with me now?” she asked, still teasing him.
“Oh… Doc..yes, I’m ready..please..” he said breathlessly. Although it was making driving him insane, he waited for her to give him permission.
“Then, by all means…lover.. take me.. take me, now!”
In one swift movement, he rolled them over and captured her mouth in the most amazingly passionate kiss she could ever have imagined. It started gently, but became a hungry one, with rapid motions, meant to build their mutual desire into a roaring fire. Next, he captured her breasts in his mouth, devouring first one then the other, alternating until her breathing was as ragged as his. His hands parted her legs and deft fingers caressed her other pleasure zone, until the warm moisture told him she was ready too. As he placed his body over hers, he leaned down and kissed her again, whispering, “Are you ready now… Do you want me.. as much I want you?”
“Oh.. yes.. honey.. I do, I need you so much, John.” She watched him, his face flushed, his body warm and moist, as she knew hers was. These two lovers and soulmates were blissfully unaware of anything but each other, enveloped by that aching feverish need to become one with each other, by the mutual fiery passion they always felt whenever they were together. All was in this moment as it was always meant to be.
As they reached the frenzied heights of lovemaking, both moaning with mounting pleasure, they were suddenly transported back in time, to another moment such as this and it was almost surreal. Their eyes met and communicated that sense of unreality, saying silently that this time they were free to make love without the guilt of hurting someone else by being together in this way. As they reached the peak of mutual pleasure, crying out with the love they so long denied, it was only seconds before Marlena started to giggle from the immense release of pent-up sexual tension that had been stored for so many months and John soon followed suit. Wordlessly, they kissed and nuzzled and snuggled up close to each other for a long while afterward and then finally, Marlena spoke. “It’s a little strange being here, isn’t it?” she asked glancing around the cabin, remembering the last time, as she knew he was.
John answered honestly, “Yes… it is, a little.. but I’m glad we’re here, Marlena… very glad, because I’ve been playing this scenario over in my head for five long years now, more times than I can even count, and I’ve been wanting to change the ending so… badly.” She remembered every word that was spoken, every touch, every look, every sigh, every moan. She knew he did too, though they had never talked specifically about that night again, and she instinctively reached up to wipe a wayward tear from his cheek. “John.. honey.. I’m so sorry about what happened then.. for leaving you there.. for making it seem like it was your fault. And most of all, I’m so sorry for..breaking your heart by running off the way I did, for not having the strength to do what my heart told me to do. I loved you even then, but I…”
Placing his right forefinger over her lips, he said, “Shh, just hush a minute..it’s okay, Doc. Let’s just make this one different.” He repositioned himself and held her in exactly the same way he did that stormy night. Marlena laid there quietly, content to be in his warm embrace, waiting for him to say what she knew he would. With tears in his eyes and great passion in his voice, John said the same words he had uttered that night, and added some others, “Marlena, I love you. I love you with all of my heart, mind, body, and soul and I always will.”
“And, I love you… John Black, and.. you can feel free to say that as often as you like because this time my heart belongs to you, only you, John, for the rest of our lives. There will never be another man in my heart again.”
John positively beamed with pride and joy, sighing with years of stored up emotion, another tear or two leaking out, as he said, “Ah… yea.. that’s what I’ve been wanting to hear all these years. Say it again, Doc, say it again,” he demanded playfully, yet very seriously.
She turned herself around so that she was looking him in the eye, something else she didn’t have the strength to do on that dark and stormy night. Taking his hands in hers she gazed lovingly at him and said with conviction, “My heart belongs to John Black, from now until eternity. John, you are my very best friend, my lover, my life partner, and my soulmate. I am yours and you are mine.. forever! How’s that?” she finished with a wide smile of great joy.
He was still beaming, his eyes sparkled with delight as he stared straight into her soul, as only he could. “It’s absolutely wonderful.. pretty lady. It’s a dream come true.. Now, come closer, would you?” he asked, pulling her down toward his highly toned physique. “I want to make love to you again and again..and..” His voice trailed off as he began kissing her and touching with loving hands.
She was slightly hesitant, thinking that they had expended every bit of energy they both had inside, and she gently questioned him about it, “John.. do you think we… Ooh, I guess we can!” she shrieked, as she felt his powerful response to her renewed proximity.
As they continued to love each other in body, mind, and spirit, John and Marlena recognized that they had finally rewritten history. This time, when they descended from the heights, both literally and figuratively, and disembarked from the plane, it would not be as guilt-ridden forbidden lovers running off in separate directions, hoping to hide the truth from those who might be hurt. That would never be the case again. This time they would leave hand in hand, as a couple, openly in love, forever united, forever connected by the amazing, indescribable, indestructible bond of love that they had formed well over a decade ago. They realized in this special moment of euphoric intimacy and exquisite pleasure that they had finally been granted their fondest wishes, that all their hopes and dreams were going to come true. It was their time, their chance for lasting happiness, together in love.
As they slowly descended from the dizzy heights of their ethereal lovemaking, Marlena suddenly realized that the plane itself was descending too. She had to know the answer to one question before they landed, “Honey… where are we going?” she asked as she reached around her lover for an item of her underclothing.
John sat up and handed her the sexy bra which was underneath him. She smiled about how it felt when he removed it, as she put it back on and waited for his answer. “Oh…yea.. I guess I should have told you. We’re headed for Europe.. Wanna have a trial run at a honeymoon, Doc? My reservation is all set. I was headed for England.. I wanted to check on Susan and the baby.. you know, to make sure the security was in place. She’s really scared about Stefano being the baby’s father; she can’t shake the idea that The Old Man is going to come and take him from her.” After glancing around the cabin he added a question, “Doc.. did you see my boxers anywhere?”
She chuckled and pulled them out from behind a pillow, saying, “Well, what about Belle and Brady… we haven’t had a lot of time for them lately. I don’t really want to leave them for too long.”
He was standing up now and scanning for more items of clothing. “We can send for em.. We’ll have Chelsea bring them over after we have a day or two on our own. What do you say, Doc? I promise I’ll make it worth your while!” he said, grinning seductively as he found her lace camisole, hanging from a coat hook, and dangled it in front of her.
Hesitating only briefly, she shot him a sly smile and said, “Ooh, honey… I like the way you look at me.. I say yes, my love. Let’s have a pre-honeymoon, getting back together, free to be in love kind of celebration.” She snatched the item out of his hand and looked at him in a way that captivated him, letting him know there was so much more to come, later on.
“Allright!” John said gleefully, rubbing his hands together like an excited child. “Finally, I am going to be all alone with the woman I love. No cell phones, no answering machines.. no..”
Taking the camisole and continuing to dress, Marlena gently cut him off, “No..interruptions.. Oh, John.. the more I think about this the more I like it… I’m so excited. So, where do you want to go after you check on Susan.. you know I’ve always wanted to see the Cotswolds and then there’s Stratford-on-Avon and the Lakes District..”
John didn’t say another word; it was thoroughly delightful to see her smiling so brilliantly. He pulled on his pants, retrieved his socks from the end of the seat and put them on. Then he simply sat back down, leaned back and sighed with contentment while she kept going on about all the places she had “always wanted to see.”
Fully dressed and walking around while she talked, Marlena spoke quickly with enthusiasm, “And… we can’t forget about Dartmoor and Land’s End.. have you heard about that, John? Oh, and I have a friend in Cambridge.. that is such a beautiful area too. And London.. there’s so much to see and do in London..You know I’ve always wanted to see Buckingham Palace and the other day someone told me that Phantom of the Opera is still playing in the Conservatory..” Suddenly it occurred to her that John hadn’t said a word about what he was interested in seeing. “Honey.. aren’t you listening to me?” she asked, staring into his eyes to see if he’d been ignoring her, feeling slightly hurt.
John was still smiling with pure satisfaction. He nodded and said simply, “Mmm hmm.. every word, Doc…. Cotswolds, Lake District.. Cambridge, London..the Palace.. I heard it all, Doc.”
More confused than before she asked, as she sat back down and buckled her seatbelt in preparation to land, “Then why didn’t you say anything?” Imitating her motion, he replied, “Cause I was just having fun listening to you talk, seeing you so excited and happy for a change. I love to see you smile like that Marlena, and I’ll go anywhere and do anything that keeps you smiling like you are right now.. that’s why.”
Her heart melted at his sweetness. “Oh.. honey.. I just love you so.. and *you* are what puts a smile on this face,” she said passionately as she leaned in closer and kissed him again.
“This face?” John said, pulling her to him and cupping her cheeks between his tender hands. Gazing deeply into her elated eyes, his happiness oozing from every pore, he said “Me.. I put a smile on this beautiful face? Oh, I’m so glad.. I can do it again.. as soon as we get to the bed and breakfast I booked, ” he said with a sexy wink.
“Bed and Breakfast?” she repeated with surprised happiness in her tone. Realizing what she meant, he quickly explained the situation, “It’s a small village.. there aren’t any hotels, just little places run by the locals. They’re all supposed to be quaint and picturesque.. I didn’t plan it but it’s just the kind of place you’re sure to love.”
Imagining some thatch roofed house surrounded by a sea of lush green grass, she said, “Oh, John… I am totally thrilled to go on this trip with you. As soon as we know Susan is allright, let’s just disappear into the English countryside for a day or so.. okay?”
“You’ve got a deal, Marlena. Having you all to myself is all I’ve dreamed of for as long as I can remember, Doc.. This is going to be incredible!” “It already is, honey.. it already is,” she said, planting a juicy kiss on his sensuous lips.
“Oh, I’m so in love with you, Doc! I really thought I’d lost you again…You can’t know how good it is to be sure of your love for me again. I feel so… free, so good inside. All the pain is gone Doc. I’m so happy!” he exclaimed excitedly as he took her in his arms again, holding her as close as possible while they both wore seatbelts.
“Oh, me too, John… I feel better than I remember feeling in a long time. You make me feel so loved, so treasured. I’m sorry it took me so long to reaffirm my love for you. I know I hurt you by delaying my decision after I told you so many times that you were the only one I loved.”
“You are treasured, Doc.. and I understand what happened. I know that you just didn’t want to hurt Roman. It’s okay now.. but I want to put all that behind us, if we can. Are you ready to do that, Marlena? Can you truly let go of the past and embrace the future, our future?”
There was not even the slightest hesitation in her face, her eyes, or her answer. “Yes.. I can and I will. I want to start fresh with you, John. I want to look forward to the life we’re going to lead, raising Belle and Brady together, buying a house, planning the trips we’re going to take… all of it. It’s time to let go of the past and all the guilt that goes with it, once and for all. It’s our time now, John.”
John’s eyes lit up like the stars in a dark night sky. “Oh.. yes it is, Doc.. At last, this is our time! And I’m not going to let anything or anyone spoil it for us!” He spoke with great conviction as he brought her into another warm embrace.
Within minutes the plane was landing and they were on English soil, all their troubles behind them. They were free now, free to be together openly in love, no more obstacles in their path, no more third party manipulators trying to break them up. This little romantic interlude would give them the chance to rediscover the love that had laid dormant for so many years, to learn all the ways in which they had grown and changed, to truly know each other again, without all the problems of every day life in Salem.
As they finally stepped out of the plane and walked down the stairs, they realized their newfound freedom even more fully. John reached the bottom rung of the ladder and turned around to help Marlena step off onto the ground. He looked deeply into her eyes and smiled with the warmth of the sun to see the happiness there. Taking her into his arms, holding her close and giving her a kiss, he said softly as a lone joyful tear slid down his cheek, “Doc.. this is the ending I wanted the last time. You and me..getting off the plane together, walking proudly… arm in arm. There’s no shame now, no guilt, only you and me..in love.. and the joy of being together. That has been my dream for so long.”
Her eyes were brimming with moisture as well, as she said softly, “Oh, honey.. mine too. I am so glad to make your dream come true, John.” I love you so much. My heart belongs to you now, John, and I never want you to doubt that again.”
“I won’t Doc.. I won’t, I promise. And you have me.. body and soul for the rest of our lives.. and beyond. We are.. forever, Marlena.”
After kissing him with great passion, she agreed wholeheartedly with his statement, “Yes.. forever, my love.”
His breath left him for a moment and he only smiled joyfully at his greatest love. Finally, he seemed to find his voice again, saying, “Okay then, are you ready for a little trip to heaven, Doc? Do you want to take a car ride into that beautiful English countryside?”
A brilliant smile lit up her gorgeous features. “Oh Boy, am I.. I can’t wait!” she exclaimed gleefully as they went hand in hand toward the rental car area of the small airport in South Eastern England. Within a few more minutes they were headed out of town on a trip to paradise.. a paradise made from love and the freedom to express it without reservation, without fear of someone else being hurt by it. This was to be a very special time indeed.
A time when dreams
So long denied can flourish….
A time for us, at last to see
A life worthwhile, for you and me….
Marlena awakened with the dawn and went over to the window to watch the sun rising slowing into an azure sky. It was a breath taking sight to her eyes. There were rolling hills, lush green grass, old stone fences, sheep grazing in distant pastures. It was the perfect setting for them to become reaquainted with each other, in every way. She chuckled at the thought of what John meant when he said that the night before. Since the first time on the plane they had already made love half a dozen times. It was glorious to be reunited this way, all their troubles thousands of miles away. It seemed as though there were no more problems, no more obstacles to overcome in the path to sharing their lives in love and marriage. Kristen was dead now, Stefano seemed to be reforming for the sake of his relationship with Lexie, though the long lasting nature of his apparent transformation remained to be seen. Susan and her baby were happy with Edmund. If fact, the couple planned to be married soon. Even Roman had accepted the fact that Marlena loved John with all her heart and had sent her to find him the day before. Life couldn’t be any more promising for John and Marlena at this very moment and she smiled as she glanced at his sleeping form once more. He was so sweet looking when he slept and she wanted to kiss him awake, but she didn’t want to disturb him. He most definitely needed the rest after everything that had happened in recent days.
After a few more minutes of peaceful contemplation about their future together, Marlena began to realize that her belief that there were no more issues to resolve wasn’t completely accurate. Hearing the sound of rustling bedsheets, she turned to see John thrashing in bed, obviously in the throws of a nightmare. She thought she heard him mumbling, “No.. don’t do it, Kristen… No, I’ll save you.. no! No Kristen!”
He sat upright suddenly, waking up sweating; his heart was pounding and the images wouldn’t fade as they usually did when he had a troubling dream. She took a moment to watch him before saying anything to him. Looking him over, she noticed that his breathing was still quite rapid, and he had a horrified expression of sadness on his face which was in great contrast to the grin he had worn ever since she came to him and told him she had made her choice.
“John.. what is it, honey.. what happened?” she asked tenderly, as she approached the bed.
Almost blankly he said with trembling lips, his voice soft and quavering, “Kristen…I.. I… tried to save her.. I.. was.. angry.. I.. hesitated and she.. fell off the cliff. I watched her fall.. it was so.. real. I saw her body.. hit the ground.” Looking forlornly at the woman he loved, he said, “It’s true, Marlena.. she was barely hanging on and I.. knew it.. but I let her die anyway. I killed her.. I killed Kristen, Doc..it was all my fault.”
Remembering what Hope told her, Marlena was prepared. Taking his slightly trembling body in her loving arms, she said quietly, “No, John.. you weren’t responsible for her death. Kristen made the choice to take her life, that is in no way your fault. If she was alone and desperate, she brought it all on herself.”
Shaking his head, recalling the images that had just been newly refreshed. Seeing her lifeless body on the edge of the pool, just after he attempted to revive her.. “You don’t understand. I knew she was thinking of suicide, Doc.. and I didn’t help her… I should have helped her, Marlena. If I did maybe she’d still be alive.”
Her heart went out to him; he was so caring, so compassionate and so bent toward believing he could protect people from suffering, “Oh, honey… you can’t know that. She wanted things nobody could give her, John. She was so much like Stefano at the end… she couldn’t think rationally anymore. All she could see was what she wanted and she was consumed with the idea of getting you back. Taking the baby from Susan was all part of her delusion that you would come back to her some day. When she finally began to realize she couldn’t have that.. she took her own life. You couldn’t have saved her John.”
John disengaged himself from her arms and stood up; going toward the window, seeing the same marvelous vista Marlena viewed only moments ago. “Sure is pretty out there isn’t it… so peaceful.” John sighed with the realization that he couldn’t just run from his feelings of guilt; they had followed him all the way to England. After thinking about that reality for a moment, he turned back to her and said, “Doc, a part of me knows you’re right.. but somewhere inside.. there’s this part of me that also knows.. some of what happened to Kristen was my responsibility. The reason she was so insecure about our..relationship in the first place was because I…. lied.. about my feelings for you. I lied to you, I lied to her, and I lied to myself. She found out about it and that’s when it all started. If I had been honest right after Aremid.. or after you were..healed… So many times…” John paused for a second and said with great passion, using his hands as he spoke out in his guilty anguish, “I should have.. stopped! I should have.. looked inside myself and realized that it was you.. it was always *you.* I should have told you how I felt.. If I had done that we could have been together, we could have been married a long time ago and Kristen would be alive and happy; she would still be a good person.”
Recognizing his need to process what had taken place at the same time as she wanted him to refrain from blaming himself, she attempted to convince him that he was mistaken. “John…please.. don’t do this to yourself.. come on.. look at that beautiful sight out there. We are here.. away from all that pain.. we’re free to love each other now, John. Let’s not waste our time together on guilt about the past. We’ve both made mistakes, we both kept our true feelings hidden for far too long, but we’re only human John. You said it yourself last night.. let’s put all that behind us and start fresh.”
As the tears of regret filled his eyes yet again, John argued quietly, “Marlena.. I know what I said.. but your mistakes, if you could even call them that.. they didn’t… destroy someone’s self-esteem and cause them to turn to the wrong methods to preserve their love; they didn’t… result in someone’s death. Mine did… I might as well have drowned her myself, Doc.. I have to face it.”
She was becoming quite frustrated with his irrationality and argued forcefully, “No.. you don’t John.. I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. You think you have that much power over people? That you control their entire lives, that you have the power of life and death? I don’t think so! If you want to do that.. think about this. I had an affair with you, John and I literally destroyed my family. I hurt Roman so deeply that he left and took the most dangerous assignments there were and he almost died because of it. Do you mean to say that if he died in some godforsaken country that I would have been responsible for his death?”
“No, of course not Doc.. that’s ridiculous. I’m just saying that I hurt her deeply and that contributed her.. downfall and her death, and I wish I would have tried harder to help her.”
Marlena was on a roll and rattled off a whole series of painful events to make her point, “Good now you’re catching on, John.. Let’s look a little further then. Eric ran away for so many years.. to avoid the pain I caused him. Sami became obsessive, first with her weight and then with Austin. Carrie was torn between you and Roman and she suffered her fair share because of that. Roman’s parents.. were so hurt by that, so disappointed in me.. Kim, Kayla, and Bo too. And you… I hurt you too by being with you and then walking away. If we follow your thinking I am much more guilty of causing people pain than you, John. If it weren’t for me and our friendship, Kristen would never have become the lying, manipulative person she did. Even Rachel would be safe now, if I had told you what I knew about Kristen months earlier than I did, and you wouldn’t be here trying to make sure that the security around Susan and her baby was airtight. So many things would be different, John.”
John knew he couldn’t agree with all that. It was simply ludicrous. Marlena wasn’t responsible for all that pain or all the foolish decisions made by others, for Roman’s decision to leave and risk his life several times over, for Sami’s relentless pursuit of Austin. And she certainly wasn’t responsible for what happened to Kristen, any more than he was. The woman had brought it all on herself. John walked back over to the bed where Marlena was still sitting and replied calmly as he sat down next to her, saying, “Okay.. I really do understand what you’re trying to say now, but I still feel bad about my part in it. I should have told her I wasn’t ready to commit to her because of how I felt about you and I should have been honest with you, even though you told me you thought of me only as a friend. I should have taken the risk anyway.”
Her tone softened as she saw him beginning to realize the truth of what she was telling him. “Allright.. for the sake of argument, I’ll agree with you there, John. You should have done both of those things, just as I should have told you what I knew about her when I learned what she was doing. I should have let you decide how to handle the situation instead of taking that control from you. We both made mistakes, John, some big ones. And we both held back the truth of our love for each other, for a lot of reasons. And frankly none of that matters to me anymore. What matters to me now, John, is this…” Before he could react at all, she suddenly edged her body much closer, leaned her weight against him, and captured his mouth in a spine tingling kiss that took his breath away and removed all thoughts from his mind. All thoughts other than those of being with this incredible woman in the amazingly pleasurable brand of lovemaking they shared, that is.
“Woah.. Doc. you’re getting so good at that!” he exclaimed when he finally found his breath and could put a sentence together. After that.. there was no more need for talking. They kissed passionately again; this time it was him with the deft movements of his tongue inside her mouth. Without further hesitation, their eyes locked in an intoxicating symbolic embrace, they began to undress each other and Marlena was touching him below the beltline in a way that kept him from thinking. All he could do was feel his body responding powerfully as it always did when she loved him. “Oh.. Doc.. I think…I get your.. point. I don’t want to… talk about that anymore, do I?” he asked, not needing verbal confirmation.
“No.. you don’t, John. And you know what? I don’t want to talk about it either. In fact.. I don’t want to talk at all. Do you think you might come up with something else for us to do right now?” As she spoke she shrugged out of her silk robe and bedclothes, revealing what John considered to be the most beautiful sight in the entire universe.
“Oh, Doc..” was all he could say at first, as he felt his breath leaving him. Then, he raised an eyebrow and smiled with desire, saying, “Oh.. I think I can.. yea. You see, you’ve just given me a great big hint about another activity we might enjoy together. It’s my very favorite indoor sport and I think we make a great team, don’t you?” he asked, his eyes willing her to pick up on his theme. In the next second, he slipped his boxers off his lean muscular frame, eliciting a similar response from his love.
After a passionate moan escaped her lips, she whispered, “Ooh, John.. you are so.. incredibly sexy.” Then, she smiled seductively, glad for the change in his demeanor. John was relaxing into their love again, as had on the plane. “Oh.. yes..we’re just the best there is. Let’s say we get some practice for the big game; you can never be overprepared in this sport.”
He laughed at that one. “Nope.. definitely can’t be overprepared. The more you practice the better you get. And, we’ve had such a long lay off this season.. We have a lot of training to do if we’re going to be in shape for the big game on our wedding night.” With that he laid them down and slid his right hand between her legs, moving expertly to arouse her further. As he did so, he held her close with his other arm and placed his mouth over one of her breasts, knowing the combination would make her wild for him. He smiled when he observed her enthusiastic response.
She nearly squealed with the warm sensations stimulated by his touch and his mouth. “Oooh, I think you’re right about that. It’s been a long time since we were in really good shape, John. I think it’s going to take lots of time to regain what we’ve missed.”
John was really getting into the sports theme and said, as if he were a coach, “Yep… I might even have to call for two-a-day practices for awhile so we can catch up.” He said it all as he leaned over her, still kissing her and touching her in combination.
That elicited a throaty chuckle, “Oh my.. two a day practices.. Well, if that’s what it takes.. that’s what we have to do. We better get started on that… time’s a wastin, my love..” she added with a wink, before turning the tables, rolling them over swiftly and kissing and caressing as he had been doing; John offerred no resistance whatsoever, his body quickly becoming flushed with desire, his head dizzy with thoughts of only her. And that was the last word on the subject. The only sounds that followed were those of two rapidly beating hearts, breathing that quickened and the soft moans of mounting pleasure. Soon, they were in the throws of magical lovemaking and everything else in the world faded away in the heated intensity of the physical intimacy they shared.
ohn and Marlena were lying there on the bed, preparing to make love in earnest when all of a sudden, Marlena sat up and said, “John, let’s go have a picnic!”
He was confused and slightly annoyed because he was just starting to become quite aroused and he didn’t want to get out of the mood, “But.. Doc.. I thought that… you.. that we…” Frowning he finally asked directly, “Didn’t you.. want to make love?”
She grinned and said, “Yes, of course I do.. I was just thinking about how much fun it would be if we.. were outside.. you know.. the blanket, a little fresh air.. some wine.. some cheese.. some.. me!” With that she flashed her chest toward him and then ran for the bathroom.
“Hey.. you can’t tempt me like that and just run off. That’s no fair.. Doc…” He was pounding lightly on the door and it made him smile to hear her giggle. It had been so long since they laughed. Then he just knocked and said, “Marlena.. I love to hear you laugh like that… Are you really happy, Doc?”
That got to her and she opened the door, “Oh.. John.. of course I’m happy. I’m with you.. I love you so much.”
Taking her face between his hands, he planted his lips on hers, letting them linger.. and then he slipped his tongue inside her mouth, wrapping it around hers expertly, leaving them both breathing a little more rapidly and wanting more. “And I love you so much.. By the way.. I like your idea.. about the picnic I mean. You go ahead and get a shower and I’ll handle the rest, okay?”
“You’ve got a deal boy.. I’ll see you in a little while then,” she said excitedly.
“Yep.. in a little while. Love you..”
In a way that took them back in time she smiled brightly and said, “Love you more..” His heart melted and it seemed as though the years of pain and separation were beginning to melt away as well. “Oh.. Doc.. it’s so.. good to be together again. Tell me I’m not dreaming.”
“Ooh, no… let me show you you’re not dreaming, honey.” John stood there, waiting for her to make the move and she disrobed and then walked very seductively to the door, stood on her tip toes and placed her soft moist lips on his at the same time as she took his right hand and placed it on the warm tender skin of her left breast. “Now… do you still think you’re dreaming, John?”
He swooned and had to work to remain standing, “Woah…Doc, uh.. nope.. it’s for real.. Ooh, Marlena. I like the new approach…it’s a little unsettling but I like it. I like it a lot!” he said as his breathing changed and his heart rate began to rise quickly in response to her bold moves.
She danced out of his grasp, gave him a quick shove forcing him out the door, which she locked behind him. “Good, John… because there’s plenty more where that came from. See you in a little while for that picnic, honey.”
“Oh… Marlena… you make me crazy. I am going to devour you.. a little later.. so be prepared.”
“John… I’m always prepared. It’s been a long time, John.. remember we have a lot of catching up to do.. and I’m ready to play, if you are.”
“I am Doc..believe me, I’m ready. Get yourself set for the most..incredible picnic you’ve EVER had, Marlena Evans soon to be Black!” he said with great intensity. She squeeled with delight to hear the passion in his voice at the thought of being with her.
A short time later, Marlena was finished with her shower and was wearing a snug pair of blue jeans and a pink oxford style shirt, and matching pink Keds. ‘Simple but effective,’ she thought as she waited for John to come out of the shower. He walked out of the bathroom, wearing just a towel and she was transported back in time again. He was still just as sexy when scantily clad as he always was. In some ways he was even sexier because he was older, more mature, more sure of himself in some ways, and his body looked as if it were sculpted by an artist, it was so perfect. “Oh, John.. it brings back memories… seeing you with just a white towel around you,” she said breathlessly.
“Oh.. it does.. good ones?” he asked hopefully, winking as he took a step in her direction.
All she could do was nod and smile at first. “Oh.. definitely good ones. Whew..” she was saying with a somewhat nervous smile as he advanced very slowly toward her, beginning to remove the towel. “It reminds me of the first few times we were together.. do you remember, John?”
“Yes.. I remember, Doc.. and you look even better to me than you did then. Those jeans are very flattering to your extremely sexy body, Marlena… and there’s only one thing I would like better than seeing you wear them.”
“Oh.. and what might that be, John?” she said with a gulp.
He flashed a seductive grin and a wink before answering with a throaty whisper, “Seeing you.. not wearing them.”
Her heart was racing already, just to see the intensity of his desire for her, “Whew… just the way you say that… makes me warm all over, honey.. Ooh,” she finished as shivers went down her spine.
Seeing her response fueled the smoldering fire inside him, and he said as he took another step closer. Grinning sensuously, he said, “Good… cause I’m warm too, Doc. In fact.. I’m hot… for you, I’m very hot for you.”
Marlena started to protest.. “But… John…. what about.. the…” she said, trying to discuss their outing as he suddenly took her in his arms and began to undress her and guide her backwards toward the bed. She was able to get out one last word before the electrifying sensations that were flowing through her body took over for rational thought. “Picnic?”
“I’m having mine.. right now, but thank you for thinking of it… ” he said as his mouth and hands began to travel all over the now almost fully exposed surface of her skin. “Umm, you taste so good… the chef did a wonderful job with you.”
“He did?” she asked, smiling and beginning to really enjoy what he was doing.
“Yes… you are the most delicious offering I’ve had in months.. and months and months. The desire seemed to reach an irresistable point and he said, “Oh, Doc… I can’t wait any more.. I need you now, honey.”
It was glorious to experience his overwhelming need for her and she said.. “Oh, yes you can, John… just a little while longer.” She pushed him down on the bed and pulled off the towel, then quickly twirled it up and used it to tie his hands together, putting them above his head, making him squirm. “Now.. John… I want you to leave your hands right where they are until I tell you to touch me.. Will you be good?”
Breathing hard… hating the thought of being able to look but not touch, he said, “Oh… I’ll be very good, if you let me honey.”
She smiled slyly, saying, “Oh… I’ll let you, I promise.. just not until the perfect moment.” Sitting astride his body, she said while whispering in his ears, “John..you can do anything else you’d like.. except that your hands have to stay above your head, okay?”
Her body weight and the contact of her moist skin on his, near his greatest area of pleasure made him ache for her, but he was willing to wait until she ached too. “Okay.. Oh, it’s gonna kill me, but I’ll do what you say.” With that he captured with his mouth what was right in front of him and smiled inside to hear her moan in response.
“John… oh, honey… ooh..” Her breathing was beginnning to match the pace of his and she knew it wouldn’t take long for her to feel the same intensity of desire to join that he was so clearly feeling.
He alternated between the two soft round body features she presented to him and they both began to moan and writhe with increasing pleasure and passion. “Oh.. Doc.. I want you.. so much!” he cried. “I want you too, John.. but not yet,” she said, wanting to wait just a little while longer.
She kissed him next and it was a long lingering caressing kiss. First her lips hovered a millimeter above his and he tipped his head to moved them closer and she moved away and then back. She teased him, kissing that way three times before finally letting him slip his tongue inside for a real kiss that lasted a long time. His movements were anxious and he moaned for her, “Doc… please…” he pleaded.
Marlena ended the kiss, leaving them both needing more. “Oh.. John… I want you so much too…” Then she kissed him again, fiercely this time and they were both breathing hard, panting with the need of each other. John’s eyes told her what she needed to know. He couldn’t wait any longer and she didn’t want to; she told him what he wanted to hear. “Touch me, John.. touch me now.”
Instantly, he wiggled his hands out of the towel and rolled them over, so that he was in the dominant position in their enticing love play. Then he repaid the favor, tying hers above her head in the same way. She shot him a look of pure heated desire and it was all he could do to hold back for even a minute to bring her internal fire to the same height at which his was burning. John laid down next to her on his left side and began to worship her skin with the fingertips of his right hand, gliding them slowly up and down her body, stopping at strategic points along the way. His efforts were rewarded with sighs and moans of mounting pleasure. Marlena started to writhe with the heated sensations he was creating with the stimulating touch of his hands and fingers. Then, as he watched her respond, he knew it was time, so he sat astride her supple figure and leaned over her to kiss her once more, and that was all it took.
Suddenly the smoldering fire they were so carefully building, roared into brightly colored flames that rose higher and higher, quickly beginning to burn out of control. Their mutual passions flared and their kisses became desperate hungry kisses, kisses filled with years of pent up passions now released, and their touch was filled with months of doubt and uncertainty finally laid to rest. This love was free now, and they could let the fire burn. At last, the fire could burn as hot and as long as they wanted it to, but still they savored every second of it as their bodies came together in mutual euphoria. The love made by this couple was like that of no other two people in the world, for there were no others who loved as deeply and completely as they loved. It was a bond that was truly undefinable with words, and as indestructible as the faith which kept them believing deep in their hearts that they would one day share their abiding love and friendship in this way with the blessing of their God who sat high above them in the heavens, watching over them. At last, this was the time when that love was fully expressed in the privacy they so richly deserved. This blissful experience of lovemaking was all that God had designed it to be and in this world of fleeting love and romances, it was a wondrous example of how beautiful commited love could be. John and Marlena were going to love this way for the rest of their days on planet earth. It was a love that was written in the book of life.
It was late morning before they finally reawakened, having fallen into an exhausted lover’s rest, arms and legs tangled in a heap. It was glorious to fall asleep that way; after so much time apart, John and Marlena couldn’t seem to get close enough. This time it was John who woke up first, and a satisfied smile appearing on his face as soon as he did. Marlena was lying on her right side nestled up close to him, his right arm was underneath her heavenly body and his left arm was draped loosely across her abdomen. He snuggled up even closer and enjoyed the feeling of intimacy, relishing waking up next to her for the first time since their *almost wedding day* that seemed like a lifetime ago now.
Lying there looking at her, gently stroking her hair, John wondered how he ever survived being separated again after coming so close to saying those two little words and having her as his wife. All those sleepless nights in a lonely hotel room, needing her, wanting her, his body aching to be with her, the dreams that seemed so real they woke him up, only to find they weren’t and that he was alone… again. How he hated to be alone. Ever since losing his identity as Roman, he was almost driven to have someone in his life, namely a woman. It was as if he couldn’t function without that intimate connection with someone, but now he knew that for many of those years that was all he was doing, getting by…..surviving, but not really living. With Marlena in his life he was fully awake and alive; the colors seemed brighter and the dreary grey days of winter weren’t nearly so cold and bleak. Her smile lit up the darkness in his soul and seemed to fill the empty spaces left by all the losses he had experienced.
The more he reviewed the eight months they had been apart, he was thinking that it was nothing short of a miracle that they never found the time or more accurately that they had successfully fought off the urge to sneak away somewhere and make love during all those months of separation. If he thought about it too much it upset him. It seemed that he was always the one having to control himself, to restrain himself while she put him off and had time to consider what she wanted, and what was best for her, for Roman. The other man’s needs always seemed to come first. What about what he wanted and needed? Didn’t that matter to her? That was a question he had avoided asking because it was too painful to think about at the time and he wondered why it suddenly came to mind.
Thinking back to that fateful night at the restaurant atop the Titan building a short time ago, he started to realize that she only came after him when she thought he was leaving town, not because she had made a choice independently. What if he hadn’t seen them kissing like that.. would she have continued to prolong the decision, keeping him dangling, holding out some dim hope for a future with her. For some unknown reason Kristen’s words came back to haunt him, “She’s playing with you, John.. she’s just going to keep you waiting.. she’s loving this.. having you and Roman fighting over her.” Was it possible? Did she like the feeling of having two men vying for her affections?
He symbolically slapped himself back to reality, talking to himself in his mind, ‘Oh.. come on…stop it, John… don’t even go there. She waited for you.. for a long time… Forget about it, it’s over, we’re together now. Don’t question it.’ As hard as he tried to force them back down where they belonged, those insidious little doubts kept creeping into his head and more importantly, into his heart and he asked again. ‘What IF.. she were only choosing him by default? Would she back off again when they got home to Salem, when she was around Roman again, when Sami and Eric gave her grief about her decision?’
Marlena’s eyes fluttered open and she awakened to see a highly distressed expression on her lover’s face. She had to ask about it, “John.. honey..what is it?”
He smiled oddly and dismissed her concern, saying quietly, “Oh…. nothing, just thinking.. about the past again.. it’s not important,” he said, rising from the bed after planting a quick kiss on her cheek.
She watched him stand up and walk across the room toward the big picture window, knowing he wasn’t being truthful and she wondered what could possibly be bothering him now, unless it was about Kristen. “John.. are you thinking about Kristen again?”
That sounded as good as anything else he could think of and besides it was true, so he nodded slightly and said somewhat absently, “Yea.. just thinking about some.. things she said to me recently, that’s all.”
“John.. it wasn’t your fault,” she said guessing incorrectly about what he meant, which was as he intended. He didn’t want to confront the issue directly, fearing he was right in his conclusion, though a part of him acknowledged that avoiding it wouldn’t make his doubts or the truth disappear. Regardless of how he handled the situation, someday the answers would all come to light.
Sighing wearily, he said, “I know.. I guess I’m still confused about some things, that’s all.” It was the closest he could come to saying what was on his mind without addressing the real concern.
Sensing there was much more he wasn’t saying, she stepped up behind him, placed her arms around him and then laid her head on his shoulder. They stayed that way for a minute or so before she asked him the inevitable question, “Honey.. I get the sense that there’s something else upsetting you. Won’t you tell me what it is?”
He shrugged it off, saying too casually, “Nah.. like I said, it’s silly, not important.. So, you want to go find Susan and Edmund and see that little guy?” he asked, turning toward her and changing the subject completely, a smile suddenly showing up on his ruggedly handsome face.
That forced smile and his sweet tone were beyond obvious and she confronted him about it. Looking straight into his slightly hidden eyes, she said, “Yes.. I do.. but not until you tell me what’s on your mind. John.. I can see it in your eyes that you are upset and it *is* I was going to make a choice that night. It wasn’t until I was faced with the possibility of losing you forever that I realized it was you I truly wanted to be with and that all my romantic feelings for Roman were in the past. When I heard your message, I was terrified that I would never see you again. Roman heard me crying and he said he knew it was you I really loved and he told me to go out and find you. He said that all he wanted was for me to be happy and we said goodbye. I knew right then that I had to find you and tell you it was always you I wanted and needed in my life.”
“Oh..” was the tiny word he uttered before looking away, but the use of it spoke volumes, as did the wounded angry expression in his eyes and face.
For some reason, she found anger rising too, “I just laid my heart on the line and all you have to say is.. Oh?”
“What do you want me to say, Doc?” Some long buried bitterness rose from the depths of his soul and slipped out in his words as well as his voice inflection. “Oh, thank you so much Marlena, you chose me by default, because you were backed into a corner, because he let you go and gave you *permission* to be with me, because HE said it was okay for you to be happy?”
That was enough to set her off and her frustration with him flared equally, “Ooh, I don’t like your words or your tone, John. Don’t you put all that on me. You know this was a very painful and difficult situation for me, for all of us!”
John hadn’t recognized his true feelings while it was going on, or hadn’t allowed himself to, and now they were seemingly coming out of left field. Though a part of him knew it was unfounded, no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to stop the accusatory statements before they reached his lips. “Was it.. or did you get off on having us fight over you.. You said you hated it, but maybe there was a part of you that liked seeing how much I needed to be with you, how much I wanted you… how much it hurt me to be living alone in that damn hotel while he stayed with you at the Penthouse.” Thinking of her short tirade on the plane, he added one incendiary comment too many, saying with a voice raised almost to a shout, “Maybe you thought you’d give me a little payback for all that time you had to watch me with Kristen!”
Marlena was positively shocked and very hurt that he would ever say anything like that to her. The idea that he would even think that of her was quite painful. “Oh.. John.. you better stop this right now.. before we both say some things we might regret, ” she warned.
In the back of his mind, John knew his next inquiry was way over the line even as he asked, but he still couldn’t stop himself from uttering it. “What… you can’t handle the truth, Doc.. Did I push a button?”
The instant the words were in the air, John could see from her expression that Marlena was absolutely livid with him, and he realized he was in trouble.. big trouble with the woman he loved. He had apparently tapped into some very powerful emotions she had long denied and he was going to take the brunt of her explosion, and he also knew he deserved it. “The truth… you want the truth?” Through clenched teeth, with barely controlled rage, her breathing becoming harsh and labored, she yelled at him, “Okay.. honey.. you are going to get it! Now, sit down.. and listen!”
John did as she ordered, sitting soundlessly on a chair across the room from her, preparing to be lambasted for all his mistakes, something she had only touched on when they were on the plane. He winced when he looked at her and just thinking of everything he had done that might have hurt her on the long and winding road to their rediscovered love, left him more than worried about what was ahead. “Uh.. Doc.. I… I’m sorry, I.. never should have said all that.. maybe we should…” he offerred timidly, hoping she would just chalk it up to his confusion about Kristen’s death.
Shaking her head firmly, she smiled angrily and cut him off cold, “Oh, no you don’t! Sorry, John.. but you started this and *by God* we’re going to finish with it, once and for all! So.. we are going to sit here in this room and we are going to talk about the past twelve years. We are going to tell the truth and face all the pain and loss, all the anger, the fear, the rejection, the lies, the love and passion…. all of it, John. And then.. when it’s over.. if you, no if *we* still want to get married we will go back home to Salem and do that.”
As he sat staring at her small but commanding presence in the room, John was overcome with a myriad of conflicting emotions. First there was admiration for her amazing inner strength, and then there was the overwhelming love and desire he had for her that spanned more than a decade, and then there was fear. There was gutwrenching, spine shattering fear; fear that he had gone too far, that he had pushed her beyond her ability to accept and forgive. John was very much afraid that if she recounted all his sins, she was going to realize that he had hurt her too much and too often, and then decide not to marry him. But, what could he do about it now?
Almost desperate to avoid what he knew would be an often intense, sometimes brutally painful conversation, he pleaded with her, “Doc.. I’m really sorry for what I said, please…. don’t be so angry with me. I just.. started to have some doubts again, but… I know you love me and God knows how much I love you and want to marry you.”
Softening slightly to hear the vulnerability in his voice and to see the fear of losing her in his eyes, she said, “I love you too, John and I want to marry you more than anything else in my life right now, but.. these doubts.. need to be resolved and put to rest forever, and I believe that the only way to do that is to go back over our history, as complicated as it is. John, if we can’t be completely honest about what’s happened between us.. then what is our love worth? Love doesn’t mean anything without honesty and trust. After what happened with Kristen, you should know that better than anyone.”
All he could do was nod and say quietly, “Yea.. you’re right, I do..” With an exhausted and anxious, but resigned sigh, he said, “Okay.. if that’s what has to be done, that’s what we’ll do. ” John shut his eyes for a moment and let his mind take him backwards, to the distant past, to another lifetime. He was sitting on a hospital examining table… alone and scared, bandages on his face and then a woman stepped into the room. Her sparkling hazel eyes and bright smile brought the light of hope into his dark existence. That was the beginning. “I’m ready, Doc..” he said softly.
She was back in the same place he was, remembering that first uncertain encounter. “Me too.”
Marlena took a seat on the bed; John was sitting in the small couch near the window, and they settled down so they were facing each other and then sat there just…staring, not knowing exactly what to do next. Someone had to start and neither wanted that unenviable task. John smiled and winked and then said, “Ladies first?” in the sweetest tone possible.
Marlena had to laugh and thankfully the tension lessened to a more managable level. “Oh… what am I gonna do with you?” she asked, not expecting an answer.
“Keep me, I.. hope, ” he said with a slight wince, thinking she was still ready to jump down his throat for what he’d accused her of a few minutes earlier.
She could see where he was headed and cut him off at the pass, warning him, “Don’t even try to distract me, John… this is very serious.”
Holding up his hands in a defensive move, he said, “I know… Doc.. I’m not trying to make light of it, I just… don’t want everything to be said in anger. I know I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes, but I love you… with all of my heart and all of my soul. Please don’t lose sight of that right now.”
She could see that he was frightened he was going to lose her and she understood that fear. She was feeling it too, it was the fear that maybe this great love was going to disintegrate before their very eyes at the time when they were finally free to embrace it. How ironic that would be. “I know you do.. and I love you in the same way.. but there is a lot of pain we have never touched on and I think it’s time for us to address the years we spent apart. Before we can have our future we need to work through the past, don’t you agree?”
“Yes… I do, but.. I’m… scared, Marlena. If I lose you… because of what I said to you before..” he started tentatively.
Gently, she cut him off, saying “Honey… what you said was understandable, considering the amount of tension we’ve both been under these past several months. It’s amazing we didn’t fight more than we did with all of that stress and pressure and unwanted separation. But.. what you said was also a very pointed reminder to me of all the unspoken issues, all the pain we never even talked about, all the confusing conflicting messages about love and friendship we’ve been sending to each other during all these years. John… if you really think about it.. after everything we’ve been through, it’s a miracle we ever got together again at all, let alone endured another separation because of Roman returning.”
“I’ll agree with you there, Doc.. but to me that just proves how strong the bond between us really is… it proves that we can get through anything with our love intact. Please tell me you believe the same thing,” he said, almost pleading with her.
“I do, John… but I still think we need to go back before we can move forward. Now.. do you want to start or should I?”
He sighed…. that was it; they were going on a very long road trip and he might as well take the driver’s seat first. “I will.” For a moment he paused and immersed himself in those earliest memories again. “Okay.. when I first came to Salem.. you know that I was nothing but a blank slate. I had no memories of a past, all I had were scattered pictures of people and the knowledge that someone didn’t like me very much and wanted to use me in some kind of plan. I was as alone and scared as any person could be, I had no one to rely on, no one to trust. I had nothing at all, not even a name to call myself. When I met you… I was… so.. scared, Doc… so desperate to have someone to trust, but I knew that I couldn’t let my guard down, I couldn’t let myself believe in anyone because… I had no way of knowing.. who were the good guys and who were the bad guys, or even which side I was on. I didn’t know if there would be anyone who… might.. help me, whether there was anyone who would even… care that I was.. alive. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”
“No… honey, I’m sorry I don’t, but I do remember what you were like and I didn’t understand it at the time. I thought you were a pain in the.. butt sometimes and your moods seemed to change so quickly. Later on, I understood why. That must have so frightening. “
“Yea… it was..anyway.. I could tell right away.. that you were a good person, that you.. cared. Your smile and the look in your eyes were so.. warm and inviting and I really wanted to confide in you. But.. I just… couldn’t let my guard down.. and I felt so… strange. I mean how many times do you meet someone and ask for their name and they look at you blankly and say, I don’t know?”
She had to smile at that remark, though it wasn’t a laughing matter. Noticing that there was a hint of a smile on his face, she felt better about her reaction and answered him, “Not many.. I suppose, you’re the only one.”
“Right.. so.. anyway..as time went by I learned to trust you, but I got spooked sometimes and then when bits and pieces of memories started coming back, I thought I might be Stefano and I was terrified that I would hurt you, or that by association you’d be hurt, so I backed off. But, at the same time, I needed you and I was… falling in love with you and I couldn’t stay away sometimes.. even when I wanted to.. for your sake. So, that’s where some of those mixed messages came in to play at the beginning. I loved you.. so I wanted to stay away to keep you safe and at the same time, I really wanted to be with you. And, because I wanted to protect you… from the bad guys.. whoever they were, I couldn’t stay away from you, for that reason too.”
She chuckled lightly, saying, “Sounds pretty confusing to me.”
He laughed too, and then said, “Yea.. to you and me both. Sometimes I thought I should just.. pack it in and leave town, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have the strength to go. I… needed you so badly. You were the only bright spot in a very dark existence… and I.. wanted to stay in your light.” He found his eyes becoming moist, despite his best efforts not to allow it. It hurt to remember how lonely and frightening that whole experience was.
Marlena saw his eyes glisten in the light that shined upon him; she couldn’t let him cry and not comfort him in some way. Crossing the room to sit near him, she said, “Oh.. honey… I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I never could know exactly how that felt. “
John nodded and continued, the emotions beginning to show in his trembling voice, “I was… trying so.. hard to keep it a secret… because I felt so.. ashamed, like maybe it was my fault.. because I thought that I did something to deserve it, especially when the clues started leaning toward me being Dimera. And, I felt so.. different from everybody else. Marlena… people would be.. talking about.. their birthday or how they celebrated Christmas in their childhood.. a date they had, or a vacation that they took.. so many simple things like that… and I would sit there.. and have to.. fight back the tears because I couldn’t.. share.. one.. single.. memory of my life.. I didn’t know when my birthday was.. still don’t. Marlena, I didn’t even know my own name!” The moisture formed despite his intensive efforts to force it back; he hadn’t let himself dwell on how it really felt at the time, or even much since then; he couldn’t have functioned if he let the pain and fear take hold.
Marlena reached out to him, touching his slightly moist cheeks, saying, “Oh… honey….. I’m so sorry.. I never really understood. All this time.. I’ve never really let myself think about how much it hurt, how much it must still hurt to not remember so much of your life. That must have been so painful and frightening.”
Sniffling slightly, John struggled to get it together again, saying, “Yea… well, I didn’t let myself dwell on it much back then, thank God.. or I wouldn’t have survived it, but it was a lot of work to fake it with people. You were the toughest and finally that day you came to see me.. I gave in because I knew I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I.. needed you so desperately and I knew instinctively that you really cared about me and what I was going through.”
Marlena was in tears now, remembering how she felt that day, as so many strange incidents began to make sense to her, “I did… I did care.. so much, more than I even realized that day. I.. was.. falling in love with you too, John. All those silly little arguments we had.. digging our heels in… that was all about falling in love and fighting it, John.”
He raised his hand and wiggled his right forefinger as if he had a spray can in his hand and made a hissing sound, “Kssh kssh,” he said with a wistful smile, and she had to laugh. “Yes… you were a pest… sometimes.. but you know what.. I didn’t really want to get rid of you. You grew on me.”
“I know… and I didn’t really want to push you away like it seemed I did by biting your head off every once in awhile. I was just.. running scared all the time and sometimes I took it out on you.”
“I know… and that’s why I didn’t give up on you. I knew you needed me and I needed you too, though I would never have admitted it to you at the time.”
“I knew that too… Why do you think I was always in your face. I was watching out for you, and it made me feel good to help someone else. It made me feel like.. I was.. worth something.”
“Oh… you were definitely worth something. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have gone off to the woods of West Virginia with you.”
“West Virginia…” he repeated quietly, sighing sadly in remembrance. Then, John reached out to touch her cheeks, tenderly brushing them with his knuckles, saying tearfully while he did so, “Oh.. Doc… we’ve never really talked about this…have we? You can’t.. know… how many times I’ve thought about it… and how many different ways I’ve tried to think of to… apologize.. for.. what I did to you there. Nothing I’ve ever thought of can…embody the.. deep regret that I feel, the remorse that goes all the way to my soul. Sometimes.. at night when my mind wanders back in time.. I can still see the fear in your eyes… fear that I was going to.. hurt you, fear that I might hit you… and then I did.. God…I slapped you, Doc.. I am so.. ashamed of how I treated you.. for all the pain you suffered because of me. I never should have let you get mixed up with me. You could have been killed, and the way I drove you.. pushed you.. and.. tied you up.. and gagged you.. God, I don’t know how you could have ever wanted me after that.” He dropped his head, illustrating the shame he felt about it, even now.
She gently tipped his chin up so that their eyes met, wiped a tear or two of sorrow from his face and then taking his hands, she tried to help him with it. Quietly, she shared her feelings about that most difficult period of their love and friendship, “Oh.. honey.. I thought you had let all that go a long time back. John.. you said it yourself, you were so scared.. there were several people hunting you down like you were an animal, and you didn’t even know why. You felt trapped and I had just betrayed your trust. John… I was the only one you trusted, the only person you had confided in and I turned my back on you the second I had the slightest doubt about your goodness. You were hurting and you needed a way out of the maze… I understood that later on, and I have forgiven you for all of it a very long time ago, you know that. Sweety… I wouldn’t have married you if I hadn’t.”
He nodded and said, with more moisture forming, “Yea.. I know.. I just.. can’t really forgive myself. If there is anything that stands out in my mind in terms of right and wrong… hitting a woman.. is just flat out wrong in my book.. and I did it to the person I loved.. to the only person who really cared what happened to me.. It’s hard to truly get past it, Doc.”
“Well, you need to.. because there’s so much more to deal with… and we need to move on… Honey.. I want to tell you how you made me feel, when you proposed to me in the hospital.. when we were married and afterward.. You were so good to me, so sweet and tender, and I felt cherished. I loved you.. so much.. and I hated that you couldn’t remember your past. I would have done anything to help you remember… anything, John. Those months we had together when I thought you were Roman.. were so wonderful.. not because of that, but because of how much we loved each other.. the way you were with the children.. Those were some of the best times of my life, John.”
Sighing in fond remembrance, he agreed, “Oh.. me too.. Doc. You were the light.. to my darkness, the dawn to my night. You were the only thing that filled the empty places inside.. I loved you with every ounce of my soul.. you were my life, my whole world. When I.. lost you.. my world collapsed, Doc.. and the darkness surrounded me again. There were times when I honestly wanted to die… and I think I might have.. if it weren’t for the kids. I had to keep going for their sake, so I did. And.. Carrie.. she was a tower of strength.. If it hadn’t been for her.. I swear.. some days the twins wouldn’t have eaten or bathed… I was such a total wreck. For months…. all I did was cry… and the nights… they were.. unbearable.. I kept wishing and praying that it was a nightmare I would wake up from.. or another hoax.”
“Oh.. John.. I know.. I’m so sorry you had to go through that… When I came out of the coma.. all I could think of was finding you… and telling you how much I loved you. That night I came back.. that night on the pier… it was so.. incredible to see you, to be in your arms again. It was ecstasy for me.”
He squeezed her hand and gazed deeply into her eyes, remembering the overwhelming sense of elation he experienced, the indescribable joy that touched his soul. “Yea… that was amazing.. I was out there.. chasing ghosts.. I told myself and then.. there you were.. appearing like an angel out of the mist. I was in shock.. that was the most incredible, joyful moment of my entire life. It was a miracle from God.. you coming back to me after five long years.”
Marlena found tears in her eyes again, tears born of mixed emotions. “It *was* a miracle and seeing you again was so.. wondrous.. I can’t even describe it, and I could tell how extremely happy you were too, but honey… that brings me to something we have needed to discuss for a very long time, something we glossed over later on. I need to understand… why you couldn’t… commit to me then. Shortly after that glorious reunion, you weren’t just.. indecisive.. because of Isabella.. you were.. standoffish, you… distanced me, John. Sometimes.. you were downright… cold and unfeeling towards me… I have a pretty good idea now.. what that was all about…. but I want to hear it from your mouth. If you loved me as much as you say you did.. then tell me.. why didn’t you recommit to me? Why did you treat me that way, John?”
What could he say to explain his actions all those years ago? That period of his life was so confusing. He had been emotionally overwhelmed by her return and the dilemna of having to choose between two women, in which he had unwittingly been placed, as well as frightened by the beginnings of some disturbing memory flashes he couldn’t fit into his experience as Roman Brady. John was speechless in the face of her direct questioning about it and he looked at her briefly and then stood up, walking over to the window. He needed time to think on it and formulate an answer that made sense, but he didn’t even want to say that because he thought it might hurt her to know he couldn’t respond right away. Realizing he had to say something, he finally found his tongue, fearing even as he turned back toward her and opened his mouth to speak, that no matter what he said, it wouldn’t be right somehow, that it wouldn’t be good enough and he might lose her.. forever.
Marlena sat on the small couch watching John grapple with the past… recalling memories that were painful to both of them. She waited patiently for him to turn away from the window and toward her to give her a straight answer. At last, he began to speak, hesitant as he was, “Marlena… that was a very.. confusing time for me.. for both of us. I was.. in shock for awhile and I didn’t know what to think, how to feel, or what to do. I was… floundering… torn between the two of you. I didn’t want to hurt you.. or Isabella… just like you didn’t want to hurt Roman and me.. I guess,” he said quietly, deciding that her dilemma in recent months suddenly seemed more reasonable. He looked over at her and he could tell that she was thinking the same thing. There was new understanding in both sets of eyes, but for the moment it went unspoken as John continued to explain himself.
“Anyway.. I guess I was running from you.. or from my feelings for you.. feelings I thought were long buried, feelings that I had to put away somewhere deep inside myself. Over the years I thought that all that was left were fond memories.. memories that I could hold onto and cherish forever. I finally got to a point where I could look at a photo album and not.. cry. That was progress..” John snapped his fingers as he spoke, “… and then suddenly there you were.. standing in front of me, alive and well. Five years later.. you came back. It threw me, Marlena… big time.. and I admit it, I.. put you off, I did.. distance you.. because when I lost you.. ” He corrected himself this time.. ” when I thought you died.. I felt so alone, so… lost, and I fell into the deepest darkest black hole of grief you could ever imagine and I thought I would never come out of it. It took a long time, but I did… partly because of that letter you wrote. And when you came back.. the honest truth was.. I was scared, Doc. So…. scared that if I let myself love you again, if I.. opened up my heart and let those feelings return.. I was gonna be put through it all over again.. I was afraid that someone or some.. thing would rip you out of my arms again, and I *knew* I couldn’t handle that. So.. instead of just taking you into my heart.. instead of welcoming you all the way back into my life.. I held you at arms length. It wasn’t until Miami that I began to recognize what I was doing.. that I was setting myself up to lose you again.. so I would be the one in control. If we weren’t together it wasn’t going to be someone else’s choice. I was going to stop it before it got that far. That night in Miami, I finally realized how stupid I was being… how much time I had wasted already.. so I kissed you.. and it was so great… and I wanted to make love to you that night.. but I also needed to find out why you were taken from me, where you were held.. and why. That was so important to me.. because I was still so angry about all the time that was stolen from us, and I felt so guilty that I ever quit looking, that I gave up and accepted your.. death. I was driven to find all the answers. You know I loved Isabella, but to this day I regret that I put off making a commitment to you.”
Marlena nodded in response. Nothing he said surprised her. It was as she always thought. He was afraid of loving and losing her again, so he didn’t take the risk and then he lost her anyway. “I understand now… it fits,” she said. Then she saw the look in his eyes and the difficult question she knew she would have to answer was forthcoming, and in the next moment, there it was. John was nervous, at the same time needing, but not wanting to hear what he thought would be her reply to a question he never before had the right opportunity, or even the desire to ask. Taking a deep breath, he leaned back against the wall, looked her in the eye and put it out there, “Marlena.. if I hadn’t delayed. If I had ended it with Isabella shortly after you returned… a couple of months before we found Roman, would it have made a difference to you? Would you still have.. gone back to him?”
It was Marlena’s turn to sigh with emotional weariness. It was strange and exhausting to do all this second guessing, but she knew he needed an answer, just as she had. “Oh.. John… like you said, that was a very confusing time for all of us. But… you need to understand something.. when I came back.. it was to you.. My memories were tied to you, the man I loved and happened to call Roman Brady, not to Roman… I loved you and if you had embraced me and my love and we consummated that love then.. yes, it would have made a difference. I can’t say exactly what would have happened when we found him, no one can. But, if you hadn’t been pulling away from me already.. yes… I would have felt much more strongly tied to you.”
John sat back down next to her for a moment and sighed heavily, “I always wondered… You can’t know how many times I’ve thought about all of that, how many times I wished I could go back in time and do things differently.”
“I know.. me too, John… I’ve done a lot of second guessing as well.” John watched Marlena’s eyes, her body posture and other nonverbal signals closely and said to himself, ‘Here it comes…. the other dreaded question… the one we’ve never talked about. He felt the emotions rising from somewhere deep inside his being as she said the words and he had to stand up for some reason.
“John… that night.. in Chichen Itza… when you found out for certain that you weren’t Roman… you went with Isabella… and you spent the night with her. If you realized how much you still loved me in Miami.. why did you do that? Why didn’t you fight for me, John?” It wasn’t a confrontation, though she knew that to him it certainly felt like one. She just wanted and needed to know the answer. It was something that hurt very much at the time, and she wanted to understand.
John stood there in silence, taking the time to stare out at the lush green grasses of Southern England, suddenly wishing he had never said anything to her about whether she had chosen him by default or not. As her words ran through his mind, ‘Love doesn’t mean anything without honesty and trust,’ he finally summoned the courage to be honest. “Marlena.. think about it.. what did you expect from me? When, I came out of that cavern, holding onto a satchel that I thought contained the secrets to my past… you were standing there.. with him.. and I believed that the only reason you ever really loved me was because you thought I was him… and I finally accepted that I wasn’t. I was crushed, Doc.. completely devastated… beyond belief. Everything that I knew… everything that I loved, everything that I had done to fill the empty spaces, the life that I had managed to build for myself out of the ashes of your death.. was gone in the second Stefano said the words. Gone… all of it. No Mom and Pop, no Brady chowder at the fish market, no Kimmie, Kayla or little brother Bo… No Twinners.. or little Punkin girl… no Commander Roman Brady at the cop shop, no best buddy Abe Carver…and worst of all, no Doc…. no Marlena Evans.. love of my life… best friend.. soulmate. It was all an elaborate illusion fabricated by the master magician and in that split second…” He snapped his fingers again to emphasize the suddenness of the loss for him, ” my entire existence vanished into thin air… forever! So… there I was.. as alone and scared and.. heartbroken as a man could be.”
Marlena remembered that moment as if it were yesterday, and she could see him struggling to maintain control over his emotions; these were painful feelings he had buried for so long and she wanted to say something that would comfort him, but there were no words and he needed to continue, so she told him of her love and support with her eyes. One glimpse at the empathy and compassion in those moist hazel eyes and he knew. John nodded in acknowlegement before going on.
Tears flooded his eyes and he fought a slowly losing battle to contain them as he spoke in a raspy whisper, his lips quivering, “But Isabella… she didn’t care about any of that.. she was standing there… with.. open arms.. no pretense.. no demands.. just…pure love. Completely unconditional love.. for ME.. a man who had nothing to offer, no history, no job, no money.. not even a real name.. and she LOVED me, Doc! She.. wanted to be with ME! That night.. was so.. horrible for me… I never could have imagined how much it would hurt to find out I was wrong… I couldn’t even allow myself to think about it, so it hit me like a runaway freight train and I… needed to feel someone’s arms around me that night, to be.. touched, to be… loved, and she gave that to me. Marlena… Isabella really loved me, for who I was, even though she knew I still loved you… and she was having my child.” John was having a hard time holding back the emotions he had buried, long enough to finish telling the story, “She wanted to give me a family… a family that was all mine, John Black’s family.. and I could see that you.. cared so much for Roman… and you were drawn to him again.. I understood that. A part of me.. wanted to fight for you… but the truth is… I believed that… I could fight with all my strength and still lose you and then.. I would have been alone, truly alone. I couldn’t risk it, Marlena… because I knew.. in my heart that I couldn’t.. survive all the losses…. without someone by my side.. so.. I… let you go… to him. I knew she wouldn’t leave me… and I needed to be loved so badly, Doc.. I’m so sorry.. that was a selfish choice to make… I’m sorry that I hurt you.” John broke down as he finished explaining his actions during the most difficult period of his often troubled and confusing life.
She finally understood it.. after all these years… it made perfect sense to her and she began to weep, tears of empathy and sadness for herself that came up from deep inside her heart. Finally, she looked up at him and found her tongue. “Oh, John…. I never put it all together before this moment. I was so hurt… but I didn’t really see it from your perspective… all these years… I don’t know why I couldn’t grasp it… That night… I was so.. confused, I didn’t know what to think or how to feel, or who to love. I cared so much for you and him too, but I realize now that you’re right.. I couldn’t have given you what you needed… not the way she could. John… I’m so.. glad.. she was there for you, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t… so sorry!” Marlena broke down completely as she remembered the look on his face when he realized the truth..”I’m so sorry honey.. I know that was the worst day of your life.. and I couldn’t.. be what you needed, I couldn’t… give you what she could, even though I still loved you.. Oh, John.. I love you so much.. I’m so sorry for all the pain and losses you’ve suffered!”
Crossing the distance and taking her in his arms, John apologized too, as he remembered how he felt about her even then. “It’s okay, Doc.. it’s okay.. I love you too… and I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength inside to just fight for your heart. I’m sorry I didn’t trust in what we had.. I was just so… afraid of being alone without even a name again.. I didn’t think I could handle that. I’m sorry for all the time we wasted… for not telling you so many times how much I still loved you.” They wept together and held each other for a long while before going forward again. It was an emotionally draining experience, but it was strangely healing to get it all out in the open.
After awhile Marlena spoke again, “Oh.. honey.. I don’t hold it against you.. and now I understand it all, so much better. We both should have been honest.. right then and there. That was where our mistakes started.”
Beginning to regain control of his emotions again, John nodded and said quietly, “Yea… I guess it was.. but maybe.. we just couldn’t, maybe it wasn’t the right time.. because neither one of us was ready.”
Marlena nodded too, a trace of a smile appearing on her face, thinking what a wonderful man John really was; he was trying to allow them both the opportunity for understanding and forgiveness. “Maybe you’re right, honey,” was all she said to him about it.
After holding her awhile longer, enjoying the warmth and the certainty of the love that existed between them and the bond that was suddenly stronger than ever before, John finally said, “Doc… I know we have about.. six more years to go here.. but can we please take a break.. I’m kind of getting hungry.. how about you?”
She laughed soggily, and said, “Well, we’re about half way through.. I’d say that’s cause for celebration. Besides, I’m hungry too, very hungry… and you know what? I happened to look at the brochure.. breakfast is served until eleven thirty.. If we hurry up and wash our red faces and get downstairs, I think we’ll just make it.”
His face was much brighter now, as he said, “Sounds good to me, Marlena.. let’s get a move on!” he said excitedly, tears still flowing, he added, “I love you, Doc! I love you so much!”
“Ditto!” she said with a slightly impish twinkle in her eyes. John stared at her with overwhelming love and desire in his eyes and then took her in his strong arms and kissed her fiercely, ensuring that she knew how passionately he cared for her, how very deep his love was. “I love you so…” she whispered tearfully, as the kiss ended.
They sat in the midst of antiques and artifacts, admiring the authenticity of the the setting. It was so nice to be away from Salem for a change, and experiencing England’s history this way was going to be wonderful. Being together and talking about their past was giving them the chance to make a brand new start on their relationship. Though they knew their love was meant to be, there had been so much pain and confusion over the years, so much holding back, not being able to say what they wanted to say in so many moments. Now was the time when they could be completely honest and share their true emotions about what had gone before. It was refreshing and revitalizing and their confidance in sharing a future together grew with each passing hour, even as they shared some very powerful, intense, and often hurtful feelings about what they endured as a result of their sometimes selfless, sometimes self-protective choices.
“Did you get enough to eat, honey?” Marlena teased, as her fiance finished up his third plate of eggs and sausage, and polished off one last scone.
Wiping his mouth with a grin, he said, “Yea… I did, thank you very much. All that truth, honesty, and emotion really built up a strong appetite, Doc. I noticed that you were no slouch in the eating department this morning either, honey.”
She smiled warmly in response. “No, I wasn’t, was I? The food tasted very good, but the company was even better.”
He chuckled and leaned in for a kiss, saying, “Ah… you say the sweetest things to me,” just before planting a soft tender kiss on her luscious lips. “I love you, pretty lady.”
She sighed contentedly when she recovered from the enticing contact, saying ” And I you, my love.”
With that, they rose from the table, John extending his left hand in which she placed her right. “Let’s take a walk,” he said pleasantly, fully expecting her to agree.
“Yes, I’d like that,” she replied quietly, without hesitation. The idea of walking and talking appealed to her. Being up in the room for too long made her feel hemmed in and she could only imagine how John felt about it. He seemed to like to move sometimes when discussing serious issues, as if that helped him think better. Next, he guided her toward the front door of the stately manor, placed her wool coat around her shoulders and then put his on as well. He had purchased a new leather jacket, but couldn’t bear to part with the old one. That was the one he wore for their walk and she smiled, thinking of how many times she had wanted to wrap her arms around him when he was wearing it, but had to restrain herself. She loved that old jacket too. Their eyes met and communicated a message of love without words.
As soon as they stepped outside, they felt the warmth of the sun on their faces; it was a welcome surprise. It was a particularly warm day for this time of year. The temperature was in the mid-fifties and the sky was clear, filled only with a bright round sun, an occurrance which almost never developed in Southern England, especially before the Spring. Taking each other’s hands, they walked into a somewhat uncertain future, still wondering if dredging up the past were the wisest course of action. It didn’t matter now, they were too far into it to turn back from the detailed examination of their lives from the moment their paths crossed, times they were separated and times they spent together.
After waiting for a sufficient period for her to say something, John started in again. “Doc… after we returned from Mexico… when I was with Isabella… how was it with you and Roman… I mean… were you… happy?”
Remembering, she sighed with a mixture of emotions and started to tell him, “Oh… some of the time, yes.. we were very happy. He loved me very much and we had some wonderful memories to build on; I wanted it to work, John.. I did, and I put a lot into the marriage. Roman hoped we could pick right back up where we left off because for him time stood still. Being so isolated like he was made him focus on his memories of what he’d left behind and those memories were what allowed him to survive emotionally. He wanted to recapture what we missed and he had a hard time adjusting to the fact that we had all gone on without him, especially with the idea that we accepted you into our hearts as if you were him. In some ways he expected us all to just.. let you go. He resented you and any time your name came up it reminded him of what he’d missed. He was jealous of your relationships within the family, and he wouldn’t really acknowledge what I felt for you, as distinct from my feelings for him. That made it hard for all of us. We loved you, for who you were with us, but he couldn’t understand that and it created so much tension in our relationship, but we tried.”
All this reliving of those partially buried memories was painful and exhausting and John sighed too, laboring to focus on what Roman went through in coming home to find that another man had lived his life in every sense of the word. “I can only imagine what he felt, Doc. It must have been horrible for him, I mean he was kept away for so long and he gets back and everyone he loves has accepted an imposter into their lives. I don’t know how well I would have handled that, I just know it hurt like hell to learn I wasn’t who I thought I was, and it nearly killed me to walk away from everyone like I did. I tried to stay out of his way.. to let it all go, but it was so hard. I loved you all so much, and then Carrie kept coming to me with her problems. After she worked through her anger about the changes, she started to come around again. She needed me, Doc, and I couldn’t turn her away.”
“I know.. that was very hard for him to understand. Anyway.. we loved each other and we were making steady progress. We had our problems, but then we always did. John, my relationship with him was so.. different from the way it is with you. We have… had,” she corrected quickly, hating to see him wince. Hearing her say it in the present tense made his comments which had started off this long discussion all the more realistic in his eyes. “We fought… and sometimes they were these knock down drag out arguments… and I would be so angry with him and then… he would look at me in a certain way or say something silly and I would laugh… and we’d make up. So.. some of the time it was really good and fun, and some of the time.. it was just.. awful.”
Thinking that she seemed to be speaking fondly of that time in some strange way, he said with a hint of concern, “Oh… I guess that is a lot different from how it was with us.”
“Was?” she asked, matching his reaction to her slip of the tongue.
” When you and I were together, before.. I mean. I’m sorry, Doc. I guess I was saying that in reference to the fact that when we were together all those years ago I thought I was Roman. Our relationship is a little different now because I am a different person. I have some of my own memories, and my own… personality has come out more, I guess.” Feeling exasperated, he sighed and shook his head saying, “Oh.. I don’t know what I mean.. that’s all still pretty confusing. I don’t really know where Roman ends and I begin because the only complete memories I have of a life before I came to Salem are his.”
She nodded.. acknowledging his meaning and then agreed, “Yes.. it’s pretty confusing, for me too, but you’re right.. we have a much different way of interacting, John. We talk, we discuss things, fairly calmly most of the time, and we resolve our problems. Roman and I… we..battled. We just seemed to feel differently about so many things.. and I guess that was in a way what made it interesting in the first place. One thing I can say for certain is that we were never.. dull,” she finished with an odd cross between a smile and a frown.
Not quite sure what she was thinking, or more importantly feeling, he said uncertainly, “No.. I guess not. Is that what you think we are? Are we going to be dull because we don’t.. disagree like that, with so much.. intensity?”
Seeing that mild trepidation in his face, she stopped her forward progress, turned toward the man she loved, and spoke reassuringly, “Oh.. honey.. no.. I’m just answering your question. No.. I like the fact that we don’t do that. I think you and I are on more equal footing in our relationship and I love that about us. I don’t need someone to watch over me all the time and he thought that I did. Even though in some ways he accepted me for the independent capable professional woman that I was… he seemed to coddle me. You don’t do that and I appreciate it more than I can say.”
John sighed with relief and said, “Good… because I don’t want to bore you, Doc… I want our life to be exciting and vital, but for different reasons. I don’t like arguing that way, I respect you and your opinions. Heck.. I hardly ever get mad at you.. although this thing with being apart all those months.. because of Roman being sick.. having to pretend we were only friends… Now that was.. tough.. and there were a few times I was pretty frustrated with you, but mostly with being separated.”
She squeezed his hand reassuringly and said, “I know that and I’m sorry if I seemed indecisive and noncommital, but don’t worry…I am very sure about us being together and it will always be exciting for us, John. I know that you respect me and my opinions and it means a lot. I never have to worry about you trying to dominate me or make me feel inferior in some way. We are so much more well balanced, and I think that’s the way it should be.” They walked along for awhile longer, silently contemplating where they had been and where they were going with the relationship.
Finally, they took a break to sit down on a flat section of an old stone fence that overlooked a small lake. For a long while they enjoyed the view in the comfort of each other’s arms. And, then when she thought he was ready, Marlena asked the same of him, “How about you, John… were you.. happy with Isabella?”
He smiled wistfully… as he looked back on that time with bittersweet memories. He loved Isabella and he was happy in his relationship with her, but that was one of the most painful periods of his life, as was the experience of losing her. “Yea.. I was. I did love her.. even though I still loved you too. She… helped me so much, Doc. I’m sure you knew.. that I was basically… a mess for a long time. It hurt.. like hell, in ways I can’t even describe to give up my life as Roman. Every time.. I looked at a picture of you and the kids.. every time I heard the name Roman Brady or saw Mom and Pop, or Bo.. all of them, I didn’t know what to do.. or say, it just hurt so much. Every time I ran into one of the somebody from the force.. or the DA’s office.. almost anybody who knew me.. before…” Shaking his head sadly as he reflected on some of the toughest aspects of the loss of his identity and all the changes it wrought, he said with an odd expression that looked suspiciously like a smile, “…and sometimes, I’d wake up and I’d hear sirens or some news report and start thinking.. I gotta call in some extra men, you know.. and I would start to develop a strategy to handle some problem… I’d actually start to get ready to go to the Cop Shop. And then.. suddenly, it would smack me in the face… that’s not your job anymore… you’re not the Commander, you’re just some guy named John Black, a man without a past.” His eyes glistened in the sunlight with the tears of old, almost forgotten suffering, as he admitted through quivering lips, “The truth is.. some days.. the pain of losing everything was so bad.. that I just wanted to… curl up and die and I know I wasn’t easy to live with because of it, but Izzy B… she wouldn’t let me do that, Doc. She.. believed in me, she supported me.. and she just kept on… loving me, no matter what. “
Marlena sighed with mixed emotions, as she too thought about the woman she respected for standing by him and at the same time, resented in some ways for taking the man she truly loved from her. ” I know.. she was remarkable John.. I admired her strength and her steadfast faith in you. I’m glad she was there for you all those times.”
Recalling one particular incident from that period, John smiled, thinking how strangely comforting it was to be able to talk so openly about the other people in their lives. After a moment’s hesitation, he wiped a couple of stray tears with the knuckle of his right forefinger and shared the memory, “I don’t think I ever told you this, but I almost broke it off with her right before we got married. I had just discovered that I was an Alamain by birth, Lawrence was making these vague threats, and I was afraid I was going to turn out to be this evil person… I got scared that I’d hurt her or the baby and I almost backed out of it, but she was amazing.. She believed in my goodness so strongly that she had me convinced of it too. How could I not.. be happy with someone like that, Doc?” he asked tearfully, not expecting an answer, hoping it didn’t upset her too much to hear him say those words.
Marlena, who was weeping as she recalled the wounded look she sometimes caught a glimpse of in his eyes back then, took his hands in hers, to acknowledge the pain he experienced, the pain she couldn’t help him with even though she wanted to. “Oh, honey… I’m so glad you had her.. to get through those difficult times.. I wish I could have been there for you, and I’m sorry you lost her so soon after everything else. When she died…I felt so.. horrible for you and I wanted to hold you in my arms and take away your pain… that was all I wanted to do, but I couldn’t.. I just.. couldn’t!”
Even when he was suffering, he noticed her pain, and he remembered feeling bad for the fact that she seemed torn between her love for and desire not to upset her husband on the one hand, and her compassionate response to himself after Isabella died, on the other. Because he was hurting so much at the time, he didn’t have the strength to send her away, so she could keep her marriage on track. “I know… Doc, but you did help me. You saved me from falling into the black hole of despair that was right there waiting for me. If it weren’t for you and Brady… I honestly wouldn’t have survived all the losses, Marlena.” John had been doing well with maintaining control over his emotions to this point, but reliving it all in his mind brought back some of the sadness. He found himself fighting off the tears again and his voice trembled as he spoke, “I was so lost in the grief, Doc. The pain of losing her on top of everything else was.. brutal, and the lonliness…I can’t even find the words for how bad it was sometimes. I could get through the days… there was so much to do… work to lose myself in, but the nights… Doc.. they were… unbearable and sometimes I really wanted God to take me too. There were times when I would lie awake at night, staring up at the ceiling and just.. pray for it… wishing someone would come along and stop all the suffering.”
Remembering the agony he was in, Marlena found tears forcing themselves out of her eyes. She had hated not being able to fully embrace him and spend almost every minute with him, to get him through the pain of that and so many other losses. It had come much too soon and she recalled being so worried for him, wondering if he could survive so much pain and loss. Instinctively, they held each other and wept together for a moment as she said, “Oh, John … honey.. you can’t know.. how many times.. I thought of you, how many nights I was awake too.. wondering if you were allright. I wanted to go to you.. and tell you that I still loved you, that it was you I wanted to be with, but I felt I couldn’t do that. We had both made our choices and I came to believe that we both did the right thing at the time. In all that time though, I never stopped loving you, John.”
He nodded tearfully, saying, “I know.. me too, Doc. I loved you all that time too. I’ve never said this to anyone, but there were times…even after we were married that I’d be sitting up late at night, looking at the pictures of you and me and the twinners and Carrie.. pictures of the Brady’s.. and I’d just.. cry to realize it was all a fabrication, that it wasn’t real and I wasn’t who I thought I was for all of those years. I couldn’t figure out what I should think about it, what we were to each other… you know and it just.. hurt so much to have lost that life. My heart… ached sometimes and I’d get these crazy ideas in my head.. about running away with you, but then… something would always snap me back to reality and I’d think.. you idiot.. she doesn’t want to run away with you… you’re not him!”
Marlena was on the verge of breaking down to hear him discuss what she often wondered about. He didn’t ever tell her how bad it was, and this was probably the only time she would hear him speak of his deep pain, “Oh.. honey.. I’m so sorry for what you went through. I had those crazy thoughts too, baby. I had this fantasy that I would.. wake up and it would all have been a nightmare. And sometimes… I would sense you.. in agony.. and I’d imagine myself going to you and we wouldn’t say anything at all. We would just.. hold each other and.. let our eyes say everything and then we would… make love.. the most wonderful, tender, passionate love and then.. everything would be allright. I would tell you that it was you I loved and you would admit the love you had for me too.That was how it ended. I can’t tell you how many times I had that fantasy during all the years apart, especially after she was gone.” She was crying hard and he had to hug her again for comfort and security.
After a minute of holding each other close and absorbing most of what had been said, John revealed more of his story, “Oh.. Doc. do you know what stopped me, every time? I really came to believe that you only loved me because you thought I was Roman, which in a way made it easier to let you go. It was that simple: I wasn’t him so I couldn’t have you. And then later when I watched you with him… and realized what he was like… I was so confused… because I’m so different from him and I thought… what did she ever see in me anyway? “
“All those thoughts about who you were sound very confusing… but he was different when I met him, John. After he came back.. he was so.. bitter and angry sometimes.. The sweet playfulness was mostly gone and like I said earlier, he was so jealous of you and your relationships with the family. John… you probably don’t realize this, but in some ways… they are all closer to you than they ever were to him and he had such a hard time with that. He didn’t know how to be so open, so freely giving with his love. Roman.. always had such high expectations of people and he felt the need to be in control so much of the time, to give people the wisdom of his experience, to impart his knowledge, but you don’t do that. You let people be who they are and they all responded to it. When I came back.. after the initial adjustment, I especially noticed the differences in your relationships with Bo and Carrie. You didn’t try to change them, to mold them into something you wanted them to be. You let them be who they were, you just loved them and they came around. It’s a very special quality you have, John.”
He smiled and blushed slightly, saying, “Thank you, Doc.. I guess I always felt that they would find the right path for themselves and that telling them what to do wasn’t the answer. Besides.. who was I to be handing out advice when I made so many mistakes myself? It seemed to work… all except for Sami and Eric. They hate me now, Doc. You can’t know how much that hurts.. when I think of how close we were when they were little. Oh.. that all seems like a lifetime ago now,” he finished mournfully, shaking his head.
“No, they don’t hate you, John… They’re just confused and they’re hurting for Roman. They’ll work through it and accept it. They’ll come around eventually too, at least I hope they will.” She didn’t really believe that and he sensed it, even as she said the words.
The more he dwelled on the seemingly hopeless situation with the twins, the more he found his sense of frustration rising. Having had enough of sitting for awhile, John stood up and disagreed with her, “No.. they won’t, Doc.. and you know something.. for the life of me, I don’t understand it, Marlena. I haven’t said this to anyone either, but I’ve sure wanted to.” John felt the anger and resentment coming out of his mouth and for once he didn’t squelch it. Marlena wanted honesty. “For several years I raised them… all by myself, Marlena… and I think I did a damn fine job, all things considered. I loved them the best that I could and I put a lot into being a good father to them.” John snapped his fingers again to make his point, as he shared his feelings about how the kids treated him after that, “Then he returned and I was out of the picture. He was with them for a few years, and then he turned around and left them again, something he swore he would never do. Roman left town for a long time, and he didn’t stay in touch. He was supposedly this devoted father and he didn’t call or write, but all that time.. I was still there, Doc! I stayed and I was there for them, for the whole family whenever anyone needed me, but they flat out rejected me for the one big mistake I made. They couldn’t find it in their hearts to forgive me.. but the second he came back, all was forgiven and forgotten, while their hatred for me only grew more intense. I just don’t get it, Doc. Why do they hate me so much? Is all of it my fault? Why didn’t they get angry at *him* for leaving them?” he asked with intensity.
She rose too, reaching out for his face to comfort and soothe him, “Oh… honey.. no, of course it isn’t your fault and you know that. I think they love you, but they feel as though they’re betraying him if they do. John… Carrie found a way to love you both, but the twins somehow couldn’t do that. They seemed to only be able to handle loving one of you and they chose their father. I think they must have felt guilty for loving you while he was kept away from them, much like I did, but they couldn’t admit to that, and they project that guilt onto you. Maybe it was the age difference between them and Carrie when Roman came back, I don’t know.”
Shaking his head frustratedly, John responded, “I don’t either, but I wish it would change. I still love them very much.. in spite of the way they’ve treated me. I’m willing to do almost anything, except for what they really want me to do which is to let you go. I love you and I don’t think we should allow them or our feelings of guilt about the past to control our lives anymore.”
She spoke convincingly, “I agree, John.. completely. We have a right to be happy and we will. They won’t sway me, John.. you need to believe that.”
John only nodded his response, feeling suddenly worn out, yet realizing how much more there was to address before they laid the past to rest for good. Finishing with that period of their complicated history and discussing the twins ungrateful condemning attitude toward John, brought to mind the single most life changing event of their entire relationship, the meaning of which they had only begun to fully comprehend and express. John and Marlena stared at each other and then glanced away nervously, each hesitant to bring it up, each wondering who was going to start talking about it and what would be said this time around. Those two small but all powerful words hung unspoken in the air between them. On this journey toward true understanding, it was time to talk about…
They walked awhile longer, content to hold hands as their minds took them back to what was at the same time the most wonderful and yet the most painful time of their relationship, summed up in two small but very powerful words…”The Affair.” It brought them the most immensely pleasurable experiences, it shaped them, it wounded them, and it lingered long after they stopped touching physically. The love represented in those desperate stolen moments of passion was buried underneath seemingly endless layers of guilt and remorse for the pain it caused the others they loved. Their brief forbidden liason was what ultimately kept them apart for five years, five years that they could have shared one life, five years of mixed messages about love and friendship, five years of longing in their hearts, five years of agonizing pain and confusion. Through it all, the abiding friendship they shared miraculously remained intact. The bond that had stretched between them for nearly a quarter of their lives could not ever be completely severed, for it had been tested by fire; that was now accepted as an incontrovertible fact. Nothing could ever destroy their connection; it was a permanent and glorious bond of love that went well past their hearts and minds and all the way through to their very souls.
This time it was Marlena who spoke first, sharing her thoughts about it. “Honey… this is so hard to talk about, but I want to… I want to.. tell you how I felt and I want you to be totally honest with me about how you felt too. Will you do that?”
He stopped walking and looked into her eyes, seeing her sincerity… she really thought it was necessary for them to get it all out in the open. “Allright… if that’s what you want. You first?” he asked with pleading eyes.
She squeezed his hand and smiled, touched by his gesture, realizing he was planning to temper what he said based on her revelation. After taking a deep breath and letting it out, she said, “Allright… I’ll start with that night I came to the loft.. do you remember?” she asked, not really needing an answer. She knew it, of course he remembered it. Every detail of those conversations just before they embarked on the wondrous and ultimately disasterous affair were forever etched in both their minds.
John nodded and there was a shadow of old, very well hidden pain in his eyes, as he gave a soft reply, “Yea… I remember..” He sat down on at the base of a large tree when she gestured for him to do so. They were on a slight hill overlooking the splendor of the lush emerald grasses of Southern England, a beautiful setting to share love, not all these memories of pain. Their eyes met and each acknowledged a wish not to have go over such ancient history and relive those emotions again. And yet, they both knew it was important for them to examine the long and winding road of love that always seemed to bring them back together. They were gradually moving closer to the present; that was something to feel good about.
Immersed in those painful images, she said with moist eyes and a shaky voice, “Well… you know why I showed up on your doorstep with the stuffed animal. I had to find a way to convince you not to go, John… because I didn’t know… how I would…live without you. I… loved you so much and the thought of not seeing you every day…was..killing me. When we almost touched… I thought you were going to stay… I was praying with all my might that you would take my hand… and John… to be honest… at that moment, I didn’t care what else I had to do… I would have done anything to keep you with me.”
The smiles I never answered
Doors perhaps I should have opened……….
Arguing the point to make her feel better about it, he said, “No… you wanted to save your marriage too… that’s why you finally let it go and went home to Roman. But, Doc… I know the struggle you were feeling…” It was his turn to stand to talk while she sat down to listen.
The picture in his mind was so vivid, and he recalled the agony he experienced in letting his hand drop back to his side. It was like a slow motion replay, every second seemed to last for hours. “God… I wanted to…you can’t ever know how badly…I wanted to take your hand…and then I wanted to… show you the love I could give you… I wanted to make love to you.. I wanted you to… remember ME, to.. remember what it was like between us.. all those years ago. I wanted us to.. forget about everything and everybody else and just… be the way we were. But, I also didn’t want to hurt Roman and the Brady’s and I didn’t want you to be hurt because of betraying them… So, I.. decided that the only way out was for me to leave Salem. I had to go… and that was why I tried to leave without seeing you. I knew what would happen if I stayed.”
Weeping for what they both went through, she nodded slightly and said, “I know… and I should have… honored that.. choice, but I couldn’t John… I didn’t know how I could ever survive losing you. In my head I said it was about friendship, that it was about Brady, that it was my concern for you being all alone in some strange city after suffering so much pain and loss. But those were the lies I told myself to make my desire to keep you in Salem seem legitimate. I didn’t want you to go because of my feelings for you, because *I* wanted you to stay. It was purely selfish, John…. I’ve never really admitted that to you. I went to the plane… telling myself all those lies, but it was really all about me and how much I still loved you.”
Songs forgotten in the morning
I relive the roles I’ve played……….
John understood, but didn’t want her feeling any worse about it than necessary, so he made an attempt to let her off the hook for her actions. Leaning down and taking her in the comfort of his arms, he said, quietly, “Oh.. honey.. don’t blame yourself.. it just happened. If it weren’t the plane that night, it would have been somewhere else. It was inevitable… we both know that now.”
Tearfully, she nodded and said, “Yes… we do.. but John it’s so…important, that night affected our lives so powerfully.. for years afterward. I think we need to address all the pain that followed.” He waited silently, acknowledging the truth of her assertion with a slight nod of agreement and brief eye contact. John knew where she was headed next and he felt the pain returning to his heart as those fateful severing sounds echoed in the farthest chambers of his mind.
Recalling the way his voice changed after she said those unforgettable wounding words, she found tears forming again, “Honey… I.. told you…. not to say.. that you loved me… and then I ran away. I know that I… hurt you… that hurt you so much.. and I’m so sorry.” She was weeping in remembrance of how torn she felt, and for the pain she knew he felt when she left him standing there half-naked after sharing everything but her heart with him.
Tears filled his eyes as the most painful moment of their romance returned to him as well. He wanted to deny it, to spare her the pain of regretting her words, but he couldn’t. This was the time for total honesty. Still, he was reticent to share his feelings about those words. Marlena reached for his chin, turning it gently toward her. “It hurt you deeply, didn’t it, John?”
Gazing into those moist eyes he loved so well, and nodded ever so slightly, then admitted softly, “Yes..it did.” The salty moisture formed at will and it was all he could do to contain it, as he continued with quivering lips, “We had… just… shared the most… intense.. incredibly pleasurable lovemaking of our entire relationship and I felt.. so close to you, Doc… closer than ever before and I… shared what was in my.. heart for you. But, you said.. don’t share it.. You said.. don’t tell me how you feel.. don’t love me.. you don’t have a right… I’ve never been more.. hurt in my whole life than I was in that moment.” His head tilted slightly downward, his eyes hidden from view, John wept softly.
She reached out for him again, tenderly caressing his face and threading his hair with her fingertips. With tears streaming out of her own eyes, she wiped a few of his and said, “Oh.. John… I’m so sorry. I’ve regretted saying that.. so many times. I’ve regretted so many things I said and did back then.” Searching for the appropriate words to explain it, she attempted to describe what she was thinking and feeling at the time. “After we made love… when rational thought returned, my mind turned to Roman… and what I had done in being with you. You were not involved with anyone, so it wasn’t the same for you, but I was married. The guilt for betraying my vows was so strong and I wanted to deny what I’d done, I wanted to run from it, and from you, as if that would make the emotions disappear. Deep inside, I knew that I loved you more than him, but I honestly didn’t believe I could ever be with you again because I believed I had to honor my commitment to him and to the children. I was so confused about what to do.. and what to feel. Being intimate made the love I felt for you so much harder to deny, harder to fight… so I gave you so many mixed signals about what I wanted from you. That must have been very confusing.”
Feeling free in being able to tell her his true thoughts and emotions, he affirmed her conclusion about what it was like for him at the time, “Yes… it was, Doc.. and I’ll admit I wasn’t handling the whole thing very well either. I was so lonely… and I needed you.. not only as a lover….but as a friend too. I wanted to do what you asked of me and stay away, but I couldn’t find the strength at first. I was still grieving for all the losses, though I didn’t realize it as that most of the time. Wanting you and not being able to have you was consuming virtually all of my thoughts, but I have to admit now that some of it was about filling the empty places inside from losing my life as Roman and then losing the one person who was by my side every step of the way through that horrible time right after the truth about my identity was revealed.”
“Oh…honey.. I know… and I wanted to be there for you, but I couldn’t anymore.. I believed that I had to try to recommit to Roman for his sake and for the children. I’m so sorry for not being strong enough to do what my heart told me was right, for pushing you away after we were together, for making it seem that what happened was your fault, when we were both responsible for it.”
“Doc…you know I’m not placing blame on you… I’m just telling you how it was for me because you asked me to.” After a sufficient pause and a nonverbal signal from his fiance, he continued to share what had never been spoken, “Marlena, I never felt more alone and scared than I did in those months after Isabella died, and when we broke it off, I was in almost that same place again. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I realize now that’s why I was ever with Rebecca at all, and why I went after Kristen in the first place… I was so.. lost and lonely and they were available. I couldn’t handle being alone. I know now that it wasn’t the right way to go.. but I couldn’t see it then. I also know now that it hurt you… my being with Kristen.. I’m sorry for that, but losing you was agony for me and I had to try and make a life for myself.” It was strange to feel bad about that, but he did. She was the one who made it clear she wasn’t going to give up her marriage for him and yet he felt guilty for trying to move on without her. It made no sense… so much of what they had both done over the years made no sense in hindsight.. knowing how much they both loved each other during all that time apart.
“I know that… and I don’t really blame you for it, John. I was the one…who held back when you were pushing for resolution, wanting to tell Roman the truth. I knew what I had to do.. I couldn’t go on being torn between you..and yet.. I essentially forced you to end it; that wasn’t fair to you. I should have been the one to break it off completely, but I couldn’t do it. And what’s worse…after everything I said to you about pursuing me, even after you came to me at the office to say goodbye, I couldn’t let you go.. I tried to lure you back.. at the pond. That was so.. selfish of me, and I’m very sorry.”
He sighed wearily… it seemed like a lifetime ago, and yet the memory of how much he wanted and needed her at the time, and their profession of everlasting love returned to his heart, mind and body, as if the scene had taken place yesterday. “Marlena… I don’t hold any of that against you…I didn’t then and I don’t now. I realized that you were as confused as I was and we were both trying to do the right thing, but it was so hard…to deny what was in our hearts, to force those feelings down. We believed that we had to find a way to let go and we finally did. You recommited to Roman and I….found Kristen.. ” Sighing again, with the weight of the world, he added, “Whew… I sure wish I hadn’t… chased after her… that was the second biggest mistake of my life, next to letting you slip away from me in the first place, when you first came back to Salem.”
Feeling some of the same weariness and regret about all the forsaken chances, she said, tenderly as she squeezed his hand again, “Honey… what I said on the plane the other night…about it making me sick…. I know it took you by surprise. I’m sorry for what I said about your being with her. It’s just that I came to loathe what Kristen had become and it made me angry sometimes that you couldn’t see how much she had changed, that you seemed so in love with this person, whom I knew was purely evil. But, I don’t really hold it all against you. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me.”
They had been talking too long and their tired frustration was very close to the surface. John barely heard the details because he was thinking about how the woman had lied and deceived him so thoroughly. Still embarassed and angry that he had been fooled so completely, he blew those emotions off at Marlena. “Doc…. why didn’t you tell me what you knew?” he asked with a slight edge to his voice.
Her response was similar in its tone, “You know why, John! I held off because of the baby… Kristen’s pregnancy was so fragile and I was going to wait.”
“Okay… I’ll accept that, but Doc… that was months before her lies were exposed… why didn’t you tell me right after J.. the child was born?” He winced at the thought of the double loss which he hadn’t allowed himself to dwell on because it hurt too much.
“Oh… I wanted to… but you were so happy at first and then the baby was sick… After he was allright, I was planning to go to you, and then I heard you praying about your commitment to Kristen and the baby and your hope that all I felt toward you was a feeling of friendship, and not love.”
The memory came back; that was yet another painful night of his life, caught between his true love and a commitment he made under false assumptions he’d made about both women, “I remember… you heard me say all that?” he asked, suddenly feeling ashamed of himself for not admitting his love for her and asking about hers for him. If he had only done that, if he had only gone to her, a dozen times since Aremid…. If only…
She nodded sadly, “All of it.. what you said about your love for me and your commitment to Kristen. I decided to let you go and hope that she would reveal herself to you at some point so you could make your own decision.”
“Oh.. Doc… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what else to do.” He laughed awkwardly and said, ” What a pair we are.. always trying to protect each other, trying to avoid hurting each other, and all we end up doing is the opposite. I should have… been totally honest with you… and you should have told me what you knew. I trusted her Doc… I really trusted her. I don’t think I’ve ever been more wrong about somebody in my whole life. I was such a fool for her!” he said in self-recrimination, shaking his head in lingering disbelief about the whole sorry mess.
“John…don’t be too hard on yourself; she fooled a lot of people. You’re right, though.. I should have told you. I did exactly what I accused her of doing, I robbed you of the right to know the truth and make your own choice. I’m sorry for that.”
“And I’m sorry I never told you about my feelings for you… so many times. It was in Aremid when I finally realized it… you know that.. I should have taken a risk that you felt the same way and were only covering your true feelings for my benefit. I just didn’t have the confidance I should have had. I’m sorry for wasting so much time.” Reaching out for her face, stroking her lovely golden hair, he repeated it softly, “So much time when we could have been together.”
Her hands went his face too, as she nodded and agreed with him, “I understand so many things better now… I should have taken the risk too, John… There were times… when I looked into your eyes and a part of me knew how you felt… I could have said it too. We both made mistakes and we’ve suffered for them, but you know what… what’s most important to me is that we found our way back to each other, in spite of all that. We don’t ever have to be uncertain about our feelings for each other, or hide them. Never again, John. Our love is out in the open now, for all the world to see, and there will never be a reason to doubt it. This is *our* time, John.”
Her true love was nodding his head as Marlena drew their long conversation to a close. When she said the last line, her lover was positively beaming, the moisture still present in his brilliant blue eyes, motivated by joy. “You’re so right, Doc. After all of that pain and separation… we finally have our chance. Let’s take it as far as we can go, baby. There’s no stopping us now!” he exclaimed, suddenly feeling invigorated and revitalized. His left hand was on the back of her neck, his right caressing her cheek, as he stared at her stunning beauty in the glow of the afternoon sunshine for one long second before bringing their faces close together so that their mouths were less than inches apart. Their moist expectant lips met and lingered briefly in anticipation before tongues collided in a passionate embrace embodying all the love and passion they had so long denied, even to themselves, or concealed for fear of hurting or being hurt. No more. That fear was fading fast into a distant past……..
Though I may regret a kiss or two
If I had changed a single day
What went amiss or went astray
I may have never found my way to you
If I had changed a single day
What went amiss or went astray
I may have never found my way to you
I wouldn’t change a thing that happened
On my way to you……
After their long hours of talk about the seemingly endless years they spent apart, John and Marlena finally seemed to be breaking free of the past, from the guilt and the pain.. all of it. Marlena felt very relieved and was ready to embrace the future with the love of her life by her side, but she sensed there was something else troubling him. She could almost see the wheels turning inside John’s head, he had become suddenly quiet after they discussed going to see the baby. She knew he must still feel bad about losing a child to miscarriage, and that letting go of his attachment to the child he once called John Jr. was more difficult than he let on. In fact, he never once talked about how he felt, not after that first night. He just went on as if he had simply accepted the situation for what it was and acted as though it didn’t bother him. Marlena knew him well enough to realize that wasn’t the case at all. She believed John was still hurting about the sudden loss, and that talking about the baby had presumably sparked some painful feelings, some possibly related to Kristen’s death by suicide only twenty-four hours ago now. She wanted to help John with it, but decided to wait until he was ready.
They had gone back to their room to freshen up before going off to find Susan and her baby, whom the strange woman had renamed Elvis, after Elvis Presley, of course. Marlena was sitting at the antique vanity table brushing her hair and fixing her makeup and John was staring out over the countryside through which they had just walked.
Though his train of thought was somewhat logical if closely examined, John couldn’t understand it.. why now of all times.. he was thinking of Kristen. He and the woman he loved beyond all else had finally talked things out; all the pain, all the misunderstandings, all the lost chances, the confusion…. everything was cleared up. There were no words left unspoken, no emotions unexpressed about those twelve long egret filling his eyes. There were so many of those it seemed..so many wrong turns he had made in the part of his life that he’d remembered. He didn’t speak after that, continuing to look absently out the window, as the pool of salty liquid formed undeterred behind his eyes. His body trembled slightly and a soft mournful sound escaped his mouth; she knew he was distressed about something related to the suicide, but Marlena suspected there was much more to his state of mind than that.
She watched and waited for a moment, giving him time to formulate his thoughts and share them with her. When he didn’t do that, she stepped up behind him and wrapped her arms around him from the back, resting her head on his right shoulder while he softly wept. Finally, she couldn’t bear to see him so upset, without knowing what he was feeling. “Honey… please talk to me.”
Shaking his head, not even turning to look at her he said self-critically, “Talking today.. reminded me of so many things that have happened, Doc.. I’ve….made so many mistakes.. I’ve.. hurt you…so much.. and her… and so many other people, Marlena…” Slowly, he turned around to face her, his eyes full of moisture, his face a mass of painful confusion, and then asked with childlike innocence, “Doc.. why do you still love me?”
John wasn’t fishing for compliments, he really didn’t understand why he was lovable to her; she remembered what he said on the plane and could see that anguished self doubt in his sad eyes, “Oh… honey…we all make mistakes… and I have hurt you too, John. Sweety, it really wasn’t your fault.. you have to find a way to believe that.. or it will tear you apart. Honey… you know you couldn’t have saved her from her path of self-destruction. She brought it all on herself, John… it’s time you let this go.”
“But if I had… listened…to her.. Maybe if I were more.. understanding, instead of being so angry and rejecting.. maybe…”
Shaking her head to negate that whole thinking process, she said firmly, “No.. no… No, John! She chose to keep trying to plot and scheme and manipulate people to get what she wanted. You are *not* responsible for her selfish choices and I want you to stop this right now! Suddenly… it occurred to her what might have sparked the guilt again, “Honey… do you want to go back for the funeral? Will it help you to put all this behind you if we go back to Salem so you can say goodbye?”
He sighed heavily, feeling very confused about the whole sorry mess, then replied uncertainly, “Oh… I don’t know.. I don’t want to upset you and ruin our trip, Marlena. I know.. that going to her funeral is just about the last thing you want to do, and…I was looking forward to sharing a romantic time with you…. I’ll be okay…maybe it’s because we’re going to see…J.. the baby in a little while. I don’t know…”
Marlena could almost feel his struggle to make sense out of what was happening inside his mind and in his heart. John was distraught and he needed to talk it out, but wasn’t sure how to go about it.
“It still hurts that he isn’t yours, doesn’t it?” she asked, sensing another aspect of the situation.
She always knew… John looked out the window again and images of the day the baby was born came to mind, and the day they brought him home. It was an incredible feeling… something he couldn’t really put into words at the time…but unfortunately it was all a lie and that hurt more than he ever expressed to anyone, even Marlena because of how ashamed and embarassed he felt about the whole chain of events that led up to that revelation. In a tremulous pain-filled voice he admitted it, “Yea…it does… I’ve pushed it down.. because there was so much else to deal with, but yea.. I really miss him.. I loved that little guy, Doc… and I… believed her. I believed every lie she told me,” he said, shaking his head sadly.
Marlena wanted to say something to make him feel better, but looking at him she could see that he needed to finish with his story before he could hear her, so she waited. After a short pause, he continued, his voice shaky with mixed emotions, “For the life of me.. I still don’t understand what happened… she wasn’t like that when I met her..” Suddenly, guilty tears started spilling from his eyes and he tried to apologize for how his mistaken trust in the vile woman had caused pain and torment to the woman he truly loved all along, “.. and because I.. trusted her.. I just.. didn’t see her.. changing…I’m sorry, Doc.. I’m sorry for… everything.. for the cruel things she said and did to you.. for all those times I hurt you and didn’t know it.. for.. all those times I wasn’t there the way you needed me to be, for not…knowing what she was doing.. for being with her and not telling you how I really felt.. I’m so sorry, Doc!”
Marlena found tears forming in her own eyes as well, tears of empathy, as well as sadness for what she’d suffered all those months, realizing even more fully, just how much pain they had both bottled up about the events of the past two years or so. Truthfully, she had done the same thing, “Oh… John.. Sweety.. I love you… and I’m not blaming you for that… we’ve both made mistakes and we’ve forgiven each other.. The pain I suffered was not really your fault and you did everything you could to protect me. You came to find me… in Aremid and Paris… you risked your life..so many times, John. Honey… I really love you, just the way you are.”
Seeing from his downcast expression that he wasn’t accepting it, she decided to expand on her comments. Marlena reached out to touch him, to wipe away a wayward tear or two, and put her arms around him briefly before stepping back far enough that she could look him directly in the face as she spoke of her love. “John….you asked me why I still love you, so I’ll tell you. I love you for so many reasons, sweety. I love how much you care for me, I love your strength and the way you want to protect me from harm. I love your loyalty, your compassion for others, your willingness to sacrifice your life, and even your soul for the people you love. I love how tender you are with our children. I love the way you hold me, and the way you look at me.. and the things you say, and oh…. the way you touch me and make love to me; it’s so wonderful. I love you for those and so many reasons, John.”
His eyes were filled with amazement, and he said with a slightly dazed expression on his face, “You really mean all that, don’t you? You really don’t hold any of it against me,” he said, slightly overcome by the intensity of her love and concern for him.
Knowing he wouldn’t turn her down she said with a mischeivious expression, “Yes.. I really do mean that, so… can you do me a favor?”
Wiping some of the moisture off his face with the back of his hands, he reached out for her and replied passionately, “Anything, I’ll do anything for you… you know I will.”
Nodding and taking both his hands in hers, she smiled as an idea came to mind, then said firmly, “I do know that… and it’s one of the things I have always loved about you. I always knew that whenever I really needed you… you would be there for me.. no matter what else was happening in your life. So… what I want you to do is this. First… I want you to repeat after me, “I know that all the bad things that happened to Marlena… were not my fault. I know that I am not to blame for the fact that Kristen changed or for her death. I know that I have done everything I could to be there for Marlena and everything I could to help Kristen. I am not to blame for all of their pain.”
John was shaking his head… not believing those words.
“Say them, John… and believe them.. go on..” she urged.
Touched by her concern and willingness to absolve him, but disbelieving it was deserved, he started to argue, “But…”
“Wrong answer. Say them, John,” she insisted, cutting him off.
“Allright.. I know that all the bad things that happened to Marlena…” he stopped and looked at her. She smiled and nodded, signaling him to continue, “were not my fault. I know that I am not to blame for the fact that Kristen changed or for her death. I know that I…”
“Go on… say it all…” she urged, rubbing her right hand all around his left shoulder.
John smiled uncertainly, but was moved by her determination to help him feel better. Though he wasn’t sure it was correct, he was thankful for her strong support, and did as requested, “… am not to blame for all of their pain.”
She smiled at his hesitance, thinking of how much he would enjoy the next part of her idea. “Thank you for indulging me, honey. Now.. the second thing is this..” Without warning, she moved swiftly, placing her hands on his cheeks and then captured his mouth in a fiercely passionate kiss, her tongue swirling around his expertly, creating a fire inside and leaving him breathless.
When it was over, his eyes were wide with surprise and his face was filled with a sense of bewilderment. With a dreamy voice, he whispered a question, “Woah… what was that for?”
“That my dear… was a preview of coming attractions and… it was meant to convince you that I am not holding anything against you now.. We have talked it all out.. all of that pain has been addressed, and all of the misunderstandings have been explained. Now, it’s time for us to let our love bring healing to our hearts and minds, John… I want that more than anything else… What do you want?”
Finding it hard to concentrate on much else besides her beauty and the heated sensations she had stimulated with her kiss, he stammered a response to her inquiry, “Uh… besides… making love to you… I..uh… I want that too, Doc… it’s just hard for me to believe in myself the way you do sometimes.” Reaching out to gently stroke her silky golden hair and the softness of her cheeks, he said while merging into the love in her eyes, “You never cease to amaze me… Marlena…. every day I see something more to admire in you, and I learn something more about the depth of your love for me. I know that in the past I haven’t always been deserving of it, but I promise you something… here and now.” Bringing her closer, he said with conviction, ” I will NEVER let you down like that again. I will treasure you like the gift you are to me… every single second of every single day from now on.” She was feeling treasured and responded with a sweet sly smile, saying, “I believe you, John….. now.. will you please make love to your fiance?”
“Your wish is my command… my love,” he said with a seductive wink and an accompanying smile, just before scooping her up and carrying her to the bed. As he laid her down and began to undo the belt on her soft terrycloth robe, he simply stared into her shimmering eyes and said, “I… love you.. Marlena Evans, more than life itself and I’m going to make sure you feel that love every day for the rest of your sweet long life, pretty lady.”
“Oh.. John… I do feel it honey, and I love you that way too. That is the only thing I want us think about right now; all I want us to feel is our love and the magic we make when we’re together.
“You got that right, Doc.. we do make magic. Allright, you’ve got it, honey… nothing exists right now except you and me and the love we’re going to share. I am going to make you feel so good, baby,” he said as he opened her robe, sat astride her and began to touch her breasts with infinite tenderness.
Just before his lips met with hers again, she was saying, “I like the sound of that and..ooh…honey… that feels so..”
They made slow tender love, expressing the depth of feeling and the freedom that talking about their past had given them. All the pain and separation, and the confusion of mixed messages were behind them now and their future was looking bright once again. Finally, there was nothing painful left to discuss, only their love to be fully embraced and enjoyed for all the pleasure it could bring.
It was well into early evening by the time they were prepared to go back out again, having showered for the third time. John had to laugh.. they had started to leave their room, planning to seek out Susan and Edmund twice already. This was the third attempt. Lounging on the bed, watching his lover complete the finishing touches on her readiness for the outside world, he suddenly found it rather comical.
“What’s so funny, John?” Marlena asked, as she turned from the mirror where she was once again brushing her hair and touching up her makeup, curious whether he might be thinking the same thing she was.
“Oh… it’s just that we’ve started this day a couple of times before and now it’s almost dinner time.”
“Yes… it is sort of funny, but now I really am ready to go see Susan and Edmund.”
Sitting up on the bed, he said, “And that cute little guy… Elvis. Oh.. that’s still so hard to say,” he added, shaking his head.
“I know…. but maybe it’s all for the best. She really loves him.”
Sighing, he said, “Yes… she does, I’m sure she’ll do a fine job of raising him.” Seeing the concern in her inquisitive eyes, John attempted to reassure her that he was doing fine, “Hey… I’m okay about it now. It’ll be good to see him though. He’ll always have a special place inside my heart.”
Marlena smiled warmly and said softly, “I know…. Let’s go then, shall we?” she finished on an upbeat note, taking his right hand in hers, tugging him partially off the bed.
“Yea… let’s go,” he agreed, standing up and ushering her out the door, shutting it behind them. Thinking back to the start of their day, he felt thankful to be leaving the bed and breakfast, just as he was thankful to be leaving all the pain in the past. There were no more unspoken truths, no more emotions unexpressed, and it felt very liberating.
Marlena sensed his thoughts and voiced them, “We’re finally ready to move forward, aren’t we?”
John nodded and said a trademark, “Yep,” just before capturing her mouth in the most tender of kisses which left her speechless for a moment. John finished his thought, “And, I couldn’t be happier. I’m thankful that we were able to work through all that and finally put it all behind us. I feel great!” he added, more excitedly.
She sighed contentedly and gazed up into his baby blues, saying, “Oh…so do I, honey… so do I.”
Her smile made him feel like melted butter… “Ooh..Doc… are you sure we need to go now..” he asked, feeling the rush of love returning.
Seeing that “look” in his eyes again, Marlena pulled out of his embrace, saying, “Yes, John…. we really do need to go now… come on… I love you and there will be lots more time for that….later,” she finished with a sexy yet playful wink.
“Later… yea….later,” he said with a mildly frustrated sigh, as he took her hand and guided them toward the staircase.
Her throaty chuckle and a quiet whisper in his right ear, “I promise… I’ll make it worth the wait,” made it even harder to resist the urge to take her right where they stood; he managed, but just barely.
As they prepared to step out into the sun, John stopped their forward progress to embrace his fiance once again, saying, “Wait a minute, Doc.”
“Okay…but what’s going on now?” Marlena asked, wondering what he was up to this time.
“Oh… just this…” he said quickly, right before reaching out for her face, cupping it in his hands, and kissing her fervently, taking her breath away and removing almost all rational thought in the process.
When it was over, all she could manage was a breathless, “Oh, my…” to which he sighed with satisfaction, thrilled to see he still had the same effect on her and that maybe having to wait was going to be difficult for her as well. He was positively beaming, as he ran his fingers through her hair and caressed her gorgeous face, when they heard a sound behind them and began to turn toward it.
The owner, Mrs. Smythe noticed the couple preparing to leave, and caught them at the door, arriving at the tail end of their embrace. She cleared her throat softly, and then said, “Hello… and good evening to you both… I don’t mean to intrude, but I was wondering… should we be expecting you for dinner tonight?”
After recovering from the embarassment of having been seen, they exchanged a questioning glance that said, ‘I wasn’t planning on it, were you?’ and their eyes answered a simultaneous no, without a word ever being spoken. Then, Marlena turned to the kind woman and said with a warm smile, her face still flushed a shattering shade of pink, “No… thank you.. I think we’ll be eating at the Pub tonight.”
The older woman smiled sweetly in return and said, “Very good then…. we shall see you.. later on. Have a nice evening.”
“We will, thank you very much,” John finished pleasantly. He was getting ancy to get out again, wanting to check on Susan and the baby, so that he and his fiance could get on with their pre-honeymoon getaway. He had some definite ideas about how to spend their time, other than the expected reacquainting themselves with each other’s bodies, that is.
Soon they came to the Pub owned by Edmund’s mother. It was the stereotypical tavern, the entrance hardly visible from the street level. They would have to duck their heads to get inside it. John decided to take advantage of the fact that they were in a little cubby hole of a space, not visible by anyone, to take Marlena into yet another passionate embrace. Again, she was taken by surprise, but loving it she exclaimed, “Oh.. my… what was *that* one for?”
“Oh… just for loving me, for putting up with my… insecurity all those months… I know it was hard on you sometimes. I’m sorry.”
“John… it’s allright.. sometimes I gave you reason to feel that way.. I wasn’t as sensitive to your feelings as I should have been… And, I hesitated when you asked me about my commitment and then I took so long to tell Roman, but I never once questioned my love for you or my desire to marry you.. You do know that now….”
He smiled reassuringly and said quietly, “Yes…. I know that now, Doc… no more doubts, none whatsoever, I promise that’s all in the past now.”
She sighed, feeling more than pleased to have it all resolved, then reminded him of why they were standing in their current location, “Good…then let’s go in and see Susan and her baby.”
“Yea… let’s go.. I want to make sure they’re doing okay before I whisk you off on the trip of a lifetime,” he said with a mischievious grin on his face, purposely peaking her curiosity.
“What exactly do you have in mind, John… John!” she attempted to call after him. However, he was already inside and being greeted by Edmund’s mother. Obviously, John was leaving her to wonder about his plans for their special time together, purposely building the sense of anticipation.
Setting foot inside the tavern was like stepping back in time. Marlena glanced all around what appeared to her to be the epitome of the quintessential village tavern that dotted the English countryside. Every village had at least one. It was dimly lighted, full of thick dark oak and some tarnished brass. There were a host of regulars and a few visitors such as themselves, lots of robust laughter, a few men playing darts in one corner, and in another.. the town storyteller spinning a tale about his latest fishing jaunt, during which that big catch seemed to elude him once again. Within moments, they were greeted by Susan, her beau and his mother… “Oh.. Dr. Evans… I’m so glad to see you… we were wondering when you might get here… Edmund’s just been dying to meet y’all and so has his mother.”
Marlena smiled warmly and embraced Susan lightly, pleased to see her looking so happy. Edmund stepped forward extending his hand, “Well, hello… it’s nice to meet the two of you. Susan has told me so much about you. She said you were so much help to her during a very… difficult time.”
John stood there not quite knowing what to say, smiling awkwardly…. managing to make pleasant small talk. It was still somewhat unbelievable to him that he had ever mistaken Susan for Kristen, even for a minute or two. To think that he was so easily fooled by both women was still unsettling and every time he was in the same room with the woman, he felt uncomfortable. However, she had given birth to the child he still loved in a special way. Although the painful feelings were beginning to fade, John believed he would always have a tiny hole in his heart as a result of Kristen’s deception and the loss of all the hopes and dreams he had for the boy who had once been his namesake. Having a child taken away was something one never quite got over, he had decided in recent days. Kristen’s suicide left him feeling very strange, in ways he couldn’t truly understand or describe, but it was definitely what had led to the long, sometimes tense review of his relationship with Marlena.
Today was the funeral of a woman he once loved, and he found his mind drifting backwards in time… to the day they had brought the baby home from the hospital. He remembered videotaping that homecoming, feeling such a warmth and love for that tiny parcel… As those images played inside his head, the conversation taking place all around him faded out. It wasn’t until he heard the soft voice he would know anywhere… saying, “Mama, Mama…” that John looked up, happy to be gazing at the sweet face of little Elvis, as Susan called him.
“Would you like to hold him, John?” she asked sweetly, seeing that look in his eyes, the look that told her he was still hurting. They never talked about it, but she knew…
He snapped to full awareness, slightly surprised to find a tear or two in his eyes; he didn’t know if they were born of sadness and loss or the simple joy to have a chance at holding the child in his arms once again. “Oh… of course I would… thank you, Susan,” he said in a throaty whisper as he gently removed the boy from her arms.
“Oh…boy! Just look at you little guy…. you’ve grown so much… Your… Mama… she’s taking good care of you, isn’t she?” he was saying as he held Elvis up in front of himself at arms length.
The baby smiled and cooed in response to his efforts to change his voice, to make it softer, a little higher pitched than normal. It was something he and many other men did instinctively around babies, so as not to frighten them. John took a few steps away from the gathering, wanting to spend a private moment with the baby. Marlena could see the pain he was trying to hide from her, not wanting to burden her.. as he held the infant close to his body. “Hey… did you miss me? I… miss you… more than I knew… ” His voice started to tremble as he spoke in whispers, “You were mine once…. and you’ll always be in my heart… you know that…. I hope you grow up proud and strong… but most of all, I hope you grow up… feeling loved. That’s something I might never know about my life… I just wish….”
“Wish what, John?” Marlena asked tenderly as she stepped up behind him, wrapping her arms around him. He sighed gratefully, realizing that she knew he was hurting and came to check on him. “Ah… it’s nothing… ” he said, attempting to shrug it off, hiding his display of emotion by not turning toward her.
She moved around to face him and saw a lone tear slipping out of the corner of his right eye. “No… it’s something… John… it’s okay… you can share it with me.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment, simply drawing the child closer, stroking his tiny head. Finally, John chose to express it, “Sometimes I still wish… that he was really mine… not with Kristen…because I know that was never meant to be.. but.. I… loved my son…” John stopped, afraid of revealing too much, afraid she wouldn’t understand his connection to a child that was never really his at all. “Anyway… I don’t really understand why this is getting to me now.. I thought I was.. past it all a long time ago… I mean.. he wasn’t even with me very long… I guess it sounds pretty crazy huh?” he said, discounting his feelings as if they were strange and somehow not acceptable or appropriate.
Her heart went out to him.. it was as if he felt bad for admitting to having feelings of loss, when the child was all a part of what happened with Kristen, as if his loving the child would hurt Marlena in some way. She touched his face tenderly, saying with understanding, “Oh… honey.. no… it’s not crazy at all, John. Losing a child is very painful, no matter how it happens or how long you had to spend with that child. I know that from experience. You haven’t talked much about it… and things have been changing so fast…. I’m sorry I haven’t asked you how you were doing.”
“It’s okay… God knows you had enough to deal with when Roman came back.. and so did I… going after the cure and all. I guess with Kristen… dying… I don’t know… I’ve been going back over everything in my mind again and I started realizing how much I’ve missed Joh.. ” He stopped before the name was fully spoken and corrected himself with an odd embarassed chuckle, glancing down toward the floor as he did so, “I mean… little Elvis.”
Reaching out to caress his cheeks with both hands, she said softly, “Honey, you know you can tell me anything… and all of what you’re feeling is understandable, John…. I’m so sorry that she hurt you. It was cruel to make you believe he was your son.”
Not wanting to dwell on it any further, he nodded and smiled weakly, before saying in conclusion, “Yea.. well, anyway.. I’m going to be fine and so is this little man… he’s got a mommy who loves him very much and she’s going to do a fine job of raising him. That’s all that really matters to me now.” When he finished his remarks, John was sporting a smile and his eyes were a little brighter as he prepared to give the baby back to his mother.
Marlena watched him transform his appearance for her sake as he had many times in the past, just as she had done for his benefit. Observing him handing the child to Susan, Marlena sighed wearily, thankful he had such inner strength and at the same time wishing there were more she could do to help him deal with his feelings of loss. She remembered losing DJ… it was a deep, soul penetrating pain that had faded in its intensity over time, but never really left her. It would be much the same for John, but hopefully not quite as distressing because he knew the child he loved was alive and well, even if he couldn’t be the one to raise the baby.
A short time later, they were eating some fish and chips and talking about their own little cherubs, a subject Marlena had brought up to help lift John’s spirits. “So… when were you planning on bringing Belle and Brady over here with Chelsea? I miss them already,” she was saying, hoping for a hint about his other plans as well, his plans for the two of them, sans children.
Missing that last element entirely, John said, “So do I Doc… I haven’t been able to see much of them since…. “
Marlena filled the empty air when he paused, “Since Roman returned and you had to pretend we were only friends. It’s okay… John, we can talk about it without arguing now, can’t we?”
He laughed lightly, saying, “Yes… I just didn’t want you to think I was… I don’t know… planning to rehash it all because I wasn’t. I was only going to say that I’ve missed the kids and I want them with us. But… I would like.. one more day alone with.. the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful woman in the entire universe. So, what do you say to the day after tomorrow, Doc?”
She was positively beaming when he finished, saying, “Oh… flattery will get you so far… and… I can’t wait to see what you have planned for us.. but I would like a hint, one little hint, please?”
Avoiding the subject entirely, he smiled and then replied to the first issue by flipping out his cell phone to call home, “Chelsea… hi, John here.. how are the kids?”
“Oh, they’re fine Mr. Black but they miss you and Marlena so much… what are your plans?”
“Funny you should ask… but I was thinking that it would be very special if you could join us in a day or so. I’ll send a car and jet for you… What do you say… you want to spend a week in the English countryside?”
It sounded fabulous to her and she responded immediately, “Oh… that would be wonderful… just tell me when and the three of us will be ready.”
John grinned and nodded his head, then gave the thumbs up sign for Marlena’s benefit. Her face bore a twin smile in response to that news. “Allright, I’ll let you know the details as soon as I have them.”
Marlena was signalling him… “Hold on a minute, Chelsea.” Turning his attention to his fiance, who was quite obviously eager to say something, he asked, “What is it, Doc?”
“Are they awake? Ask her if I can talk to them..” she said excitedly, reaching for the phone.
Smiling widely, he replied, “You’re as bad as I am… that was going to be my next question too…” Uncovering the speaker, John said, “Listen, Chelsea… are the kids awake? We’d like to talk to them if we can.”
“Well.. no… they’re….” she started to say… when in the background, John could hear giggling… that soon became full fledged laughter. Before he could say anything more, there was a sweet little female voice on the line, “Hi Daddy… when are you coming home? We miss you so much!”
Brady jumped in as well, “Yea…. all of a sudden you and Mama were gone away again… how come you go away so much, Daddy?” the young boy asked seriously.
That comment pierced his heart, making him realize that it was completely true… he did leave them a lot. THAT was going to change, very, very soon, he vowed silently. “Oh…slugger… you know what… I don’t have a very good reason…. except that life can be pretty complicated sometimes. But… it’s going to change soon…. starting with a day or two from now. How would you and Belle like to take a trip with Mommy and me?”
The answer was evident in their squeals of delight… and then their words, “Oh… boy!! We’re taking a vacation with Daddy and Mommy… Yeah!!
“When, Daddy, when?” asked Brady eagerly, wanting details.
“Yea… I want to see you right away. We miss you and Mommy a whole bunch.. every day!” Belle exclaimed.
“Oh… we miss you guys too… Do you want to talk to Mommy?” John asked, looking toward Marlena, who was nodding her head in earnest… having been barely able to restrain herself while John spoke with her angels.
With a knowing smile, John handed her the phone, and settled back in his chair to watch her face light up as she took a turn at talking to their children. “Oh… hello my sweethearts,” Marlena said tenderly, feeling her heart swell just to hear their excited voices. John reached out for her free hand, letting her know that he realized the main reason she had brought up the subject of their little ones at this particular time. It was all done for his benefit, to remind him of all that he had and help him forget the pain he was re-experiencing because of losing John Jr.
A few minutes later, when the call was finished and they were still sipping on coffee, John leaned over the table to give Marlena a little kiss on the forehead. She smiled as he sat back down and said, “Marlena… thank you…”
“For what? I didn’t do anything,” she said innocently.
“Oh… yes you did, Doc.. You did what you always do.. you found a way to make me feel better. You started talking about the kids, bringing them over here… You did everything but suggest that I call home and talk to them. You wanted to help me remember all the good things we have going, to remind me of the two beautiful children you and I share… so I could focus on something besides having been made to give up John Jr.”
She nodded, and then put up her right hand and said, “Guilty as charged.”
John was smiling now.. that was all she wanted. “Yea… you’re guilty.. of something else too.. pretty lady,” he began to say.
“Oh.. and what might that be, my dearest love?” she said cocking her head coyly, and batting her eyelashes with playful seductiveness.
“That…. right there!” he said accusingly… pointing toward her face, as he leaned in toward her slightly, “You are guilty of … driving me wild… making me crazy to hold you in my arms… kiss you, and make love to you.”
Suddenly, she kissed him, capturing his mouth when he was totally unprepared. She left him breathing hard and wanting so much more. “Oh… that…. well, if you’ll kindly follow me, sir… I might just…. let you have your way with me again tonight..” she said sliding out of the booth and swinging her hips exaggeratedly as she walked toward the door, before he could gather his wits about him. When his head stopped spinning, John nearly leaped out of his seat, moving as quickly toward the door as humanly possible. Forgetting about the low ceiling near the entrance, he smacked his head hard on the wooden beam, knocking him senseless. The impact threw him backwards and he landed across the threshold, out cold before he hit the floor. Marlena startled at the loud noise and was alarmed at what she saw when she stopped her forward progress and turned herself around to see what happened. “Oh… John!” she cried, covering her mouth with her hands and stiffling a laugh.
There was so much noise; it sounded like a thousand voices speaking all at once, and it felt like there was a jackhammer inside of his head, it was pounding so hard. The throbbing pain was intense and confusion reigned… he had no idea where he was or what happened as he fought for conscious awareness. All he knew was the name of the woman he loved. His mixed up mind gave him visions of her lovliness… her long flowing hair blowing in the gentle summer breezes. They were on their honeymoon, spending the day in the park, chasing after each other, so much in love…
First time I saw you, girl
I knew that I just had to make you mine
I wanted you for my sweet pet
But you keep playing hard to get
I’m going round in circles all the time……
She was watching him very carefully… he seemed to be coming around, making small movements, his eyelids fluttering several times and then she noticed him trying to speak. It was barely audible, but he said her name, “Doc?”
After breathing a sigh of relief, she answered, “Yes, honey.. I’m here… it’s allright..” she said trying to reassure him. He was sure to be at least slightly disoriented after a nasty bump like that.
Laboring to sit up, which he accomplished only with a lot of help from the pub’s owner, her son, and Marlena as well, “Oh… my head,” he groaned… “What… what happened?” he asked, cradling his head in his hands. “Mmm.. oh..” he said with another groan or two, his significant discomfort quite evident.
Dizzy….
I’m so dizzy, my head is spinning…..
Knowing he was probably allright, she couldn’t help but smile upon the image of him leaping up from the table to follow her out toward the door. “Well… sweety.. you were so.. eager to follow after me that you forgot about the low ceiling near the doorway and you smacked your forehead but good.”
Fighting off the dizziness, he agreed, “Oh… yea… that’s an understatement… Woah!” he said as he tried to stand, but soon found the floor spinning out of control all around him, forcing him back down. “Well, that’s not gonna happen… Oh.. man..” he groaned again, as Marlena eased him down into a reclining position.
Like a whirlpool, it never ends……..
“Honey… you’re not going anywhere right now… Edmund,” she asked pleasantly, “is there any place he can rest for a little while, until I can have him examined?”
“Yes… there’s a spare room in back… we can take him there.”
John protested, though he knew he wasn’t going to win this skirmish, “No..I’m okay.. just give me a minute and I’ll be fine…really,” he said, not at all convincingly, between labored breaths.
And, it’s you, girl, making it spin
You’re making me dizzy!
“Okay..’ she said, glancing at her watch. They sat there in silence for a minute and she indicated he should try again, which he did without speaking. On his own power, he managed to make it to a standing position, a miracle in itself, as it was quite obvious the pain was fierce and that he was terribly dizzy. When he was completely upright, he smiled triumphantly, albiet weakly and started to say, “See, Doc.. I told you that I…was…” but the darkness threatened as he started for the door again and he went down quickly. They caught him just before he hit the floor. He was out cold. Edmund and several patrons carried him to the back bedroom that was previously mentioned, setting him down gently on the bed.
DIZZY…
I’m so dizzy, my head is spinning………
After he was settled, Marlena looked up and asked, “Could someone do me a favor and contact the local doctor. I’d like to have him examined right away.”
“Oh… well, that’s easy enough… he’s right out there sitting at the bar.. I’ll get him for you,” said a helpful young man.
Marlena’s face bore a puzzled expression, and she had to ask, “If that’s true… why didn’t he help us before?”
“Oh.. well that’d be because people are always falling out here at the Pub… we hardly notice it anymore, except for visitors like yourselves. Sorry to say, but Old Doc MacKenzie… he probably thought John here was just another drunk passin’ out before he made it to the door.”
Like a whirlpool, it never ends….
“Well, he’s certainly not… Is he the only doctor in this town?” she asked, her amusement making the transition to concern for John’s health, should he have more than a minor bump.
“Only Doctor within 15 kilos, I’d bet… wouldn’t you say so, Edmund?” asked one of the regulars.
Edmund didn’t have time to respond before yet another well meaning patron put his two cents in, “Not unless you count the animal doctor… but then I don’t suppose you’d be wantin’ him to treat your loved one, now would you?” he asked, to which the gathering responded with hearty laughter.
Her concern increasing with each passing moment, Marlnea responded frustratedly, “No… I wouldn’t.. thank you.. please could someone get Dr. MacKenzie for me? I’d like to stay with John…”
Finally, Edmund was allowed to answer, “Uh… yes, of course, Marlena… I’ll get him and Mum will stay here with you and John…. I’ll be right back.. don’t worry, he’s a good man.”
Marlena smiled weakly and sat down in the chair next to the bed, becoming worried as she noticed John’s complexion was now slightly flushed, and after checking his pulse, she noted it was rapid, which prompted her to check his pupils. They were unequal as she suspected.. all signs he had suffered a concussion and was possibly moving into shock. She had to work with alacrity to prevent further complications, “Susan… I’m going to need some help here.. please follow Edmund and make sure that the doctor knows what is happening. I believe that John has suffered a concussion and he’s becoming shocky… tell him that… I’m going to elevate his legs, and I’ll need some more pillows and a blanket or two and a damp cool washcloth as well.”
“I’ll get that for you, Dr. Evans,” said Violet helpfully. Susan.. you best go and get the doctor while I gather the other things.”
“Is John going to be allright, Dr. Marlena Evans… he looks awful pale…” Susan said worriedly, while looking over at the unconscious figure of the man she had been infatuated with for a short time.
Marlena was too concerned and too involved in monitoring her fiance’s condition to answer, so Violet did so for her, “Go on, now,” she said in response to Susan’s hesitance.
Finally got to talk to you
And I told you just exactly how I felt
Then I held you close to me and I kissed you
And my heart began to melt……….
His mind was wandering to far away places…. to magical times and spaces when their love wasn’t nearly so complicated.. It was pure and simple; she loved him and he loved her and there was no one to interfere, no one to disapprove of their relationship. He was smitten with her, falling head over heals in love….. It was grand and glorious and he swooned just to look at her sometimes….
And, it’s you, girl, making it spin
You’re making me dizzy…..
Unfortunately, the doctor had left for the night by the time the group approached his spot at the bar. Marlena was on her own. ‘Maybe it’s better that way,’ she thought, as she glanced back down at her love. The man might not have been much help anyway. Realizing there was nothing to be done to change her predicament, Marlena took control of the situation and directed others to assist her with caring for her special patient.
With very little warning, John demonstrated yet another symptom of at least a mild brain concussion. He groaned loudly and turned to his side, then became physically sick, his body swiftly eliminating the food he’d eaten earlier in the evening. In seemingly the next instant he appeared to be unconscious again. With the help of Susan, Violet, and Edmund, Marlena managed to remove John’s soiled clothing, change the bed linens, wipe up the mess and dress him in a clean t-shirt, leaving him in just that and his undershorts. When that exhausting task was complete, she covered him up with the blanket and they all took a moment’s rest before working to bring him back around again, something Marlena told them was imperative.
You’re making me dizzy….
It was late and she decided that the others should go on off to bed, while she stayed with the man she loved. Her reasoning was that she would be there anyway, so why should they sacrifice their sleep unnecessarily.
Finally, after much protesting, they agreed to leave her alone with John. He wasn’t fully conscious, but he wasn’t asleep either. When he began calling out, she listened for awhile, curious about what he might say, “No… no.. I don’t want to leave her…. Don’t take me… not yet,” he cried. Then he switched directions, “No, Doc… don’t choose him… I know you love me…. please… don’t walk away from our love!” And still more…”Kristen… no… don’t do it.. I didn’t want you to die…I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” He was muttering incomprehensibly for several more moments after those fairly decipherable comments, then he suddenly cried out in need of the comfort only she could give him, “Doc, where’s Doc?”
He was rapidly becoming very distressed and she knew she had to wake him and then do whatever she could to calm him down so as to stabilize his condition. She started by gently shaking him and calling his name, “John.. honey…. wake up, John… sweety…. I’m right here… You need to stay awake, baby.. come on, you can do it… Stay with me here..” she urged.
Dizzy…. His head is spinning…
Dizzy… Yeah, he’s dizzy…..
Someone just wouldn’t let him sleep… how irritating… he was so tired and it was so peaceful where he was. It was quiet and dark there and he wanted to stay. He heard a voice talking to him and then felt someone shaking him and giving him light slaps on his cheeks, then something cold…and wet… ‘How bothersome,’ he thought as he reacted to the change in temperature on the sensitive skin of his face, “Oh.. that’s so cold… what did have to go and do that for?” he said out loud, the aggravation he was feeling, quite obvious to the offender.
Ignoring his tone, she said positively, just after she sighed with relief, “John… good, you’re back with me again… you had me pretty worried there for a moment.”
She could tell from his expression and the way his eyelids fluttered rapidly that John was definitely confused and disoriented. “Doc… I was sleeping. Why’d you wake me up like that?”
He didn’t have much idea of his condition either, that much was fairly clear, but she asked him anyway, hoping he would become increasingly aware of his surroundings and the events of the evening as the moments passed, “Honey.. do you remember what happened? Do you know where we are right now?”
Like a whirlpool, his head is spinning…..
His face bore a bewildered expression, and he squinted as he labored for details that just weren’t there… “Uh… I… umm, did I .. hit my head?” he guessed, reaching for the source of the pain. The more he had to think, the more it hurt.
“Yes…. that’s it, John… now how about telling me where we are… What country are we in, John?”
He grimaced, clearly uncertain…There was a long pause and then finally he said tentatively at first, then became more sure of the correct answer, “Uh…England? We’re in England… at the Pub with Susan and Edmund….right?”
She sighed with relief and smiled warmly, “Yes honey… we’re in England… Welcome back, John..”
Again he was puzzled… “Huh? Doc… I don’t understand what you’re talking about… welcome back from where?”
“Well, sweety… you were a little confused there for awhile.. you weren’t making any sense and I was afraid you’d suffered a serious concussion… but I think you’re going to be just fine. I need to keep you awake for a little while longer, that’s all.”
“Oh… I get it… I was drifting off into space and you brought me back.”
She smiled at the way he conceived of it, saying with a slight nod of the head, “Yes…. exactly. So… do you have any ideas about how I might manage to… keep you awake and alert for the rest of the night?” she asked, with a slightly seductive expression, as she leaned in closer and let her hands begin to explore his chest and shoulders.
Girl, you’ve got control of me
Cause I’m so dizzy, I can’t see
I need to call the doctor for some help….
“Oh… I might be able to come up with one or two…” he replied with a wink as a wry smile slowly spread across his handsome face, his complexion gradually returning to normal. His pulse and respirations were near normal as well. Another crisis had been successfully averted, and this time it was Marlena who had a chance to play the role of hero. John looked up into her bright and shining eyes and felt a very different sensation than the one caused by his collision with a thick wooden beam. As he allowed her touch to comfort and relax him, he felt himself being carried away, to a special place in which he always wanted to stay. It was a place called Desire and he suddenly felt so……
DIZZY!
I’m so dizzy, my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool, it never ends
And it’s you, girl, making it spin
You’re making me DIZZY!!
The throbbing pain in his head seemed to fade in its intensity with each masterful touch of the good lady doctor’s hands, *his* lady doctor.. “Ah… Doc, that feels *so* good… Oh, man…I’m putty in your hands, honey…” he said, his body finally starting to relax.
“I know,” she said with a devilish glint in her eye. “I have… plans for you… my pretty… he he he,” she teased, eliciting a soft chuckle, as intended.
Enjoying the sound of her laughter, he joked with her, asking, “Did I ever tell you, you would make a great wicked witch from the East?”
With a mischievious smile, she continued the banter, “Why no…. please do tell, but be very careful… I have magic powers, you know….”
“Oh… yea… you definitely do… Want to use some of em on me? Pretty please…” John asked with an endearing wink, trying to pull her down for a kiss.
Catching his meaning, she sighed wistfully, saying in a voice tinged with regret, “Oh… you do make it tempting… but honey, you’ve got a concussion… you really need to get some rest… I think we’ll have to hold off for tonight,” she said, thinking better of her impulse to make love.
He was crestfallen and tried to deny the problem by sitting up quickly, to show her he was fine. When he did so, the dizziness and throbbing pain returned instantly. “Oh… bad move,” he said, falling back instantly, cradling his head with both hands.
Hating to see him in pain, but glad he was willing to concede her point, she affirmed his statement, “Right you are… now lie down and relax, okay… I’m going to give you a backrub.”
“Oh… you’re spoiling me, Doc… but please… don’t stop. I love to be spoiled.. once in awhile anyway,” he said with an appreciative moan, as he began to comply.
“Don’t we all… now.. just lie down on your stomach, close your eyes and relax. Just let me take care of you sweety.”
As soon as his head hit the pillow again, John realized he was too tired and achy to offer any resistance. Therefore, he relented, allowing himself to be gently carried away to dreamland by the tender touch of her soft hands upon his skin and the gentle caressing breeze of her breath as she leaned down over his back. “Mmmm, Doc… that feels so good… you could be a professional… I feel so…”
He had drifted off and she completed his sentence, “Relaxed?”
Not quite all the way out, he replied quietly, “Mmm hmm… relaxed…” He was fading very fast. “I love you, Doc… I love you so much… you’re so good to me… I… wish I could..”
Marlena waited, but he stopped in mid-sentence, having fallen asleep again. “Wish what, John… what do you wish?” she was asking him, very curiously.
Observing him, she realized that she’d missed the chance to hear that thought, his slow steady breathing pattern indicative of deep sleep. Brushing a stray lock of hair from his bruised and swollen forehead, she sighed wearily and said, “Oh.. John… what am I going to do with you?”
“Marry me?” he whispered softly, taking her by surprise, a pleasant smile decorating his handsome face. But when she looked again, he was fast asleep before she could respond. Was he actually aware enough to ask her that question or was it all part of some sweet dream he was having? In any case, it was odd because he seemed to be actively sleeping in the moment following the query.
Not quite certain what to make of it, she touched him lightly on the back, asking, “John… honey.. are you awake?”
There was no reply that time; he was definitely sleeping. So, there it was…. they were going to spend the night at the pub, John on a twin bed, Marlena on a small couch across the room from him. If John had truly been awake and alert since hitting his head, his tendency toward gallantry would have kicked in and he would have taken the couch so that she could have the bed. That was precisely why she hadn’t given him any opportunity to do so.
She sat up in the chair, watching him for as long as she could stay awake, wanting to make sure he didn’t slip into a deeper state of eir lives together, the way it always should have been….
I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can’t wait to live my life with you……..
Within a matter of minutes they would be husband and wife, again and yet, it would be for the first time. It was almost too good to be true and John was so excited he could hardly stand still long enough to listen to the words of the Priest standing ready to unite them in the state of Holy Matrimony…..
Can’t wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you……
She couldn’t remember a time when she had been happier in all her life… Marlena loved John with all her heart and knew in the second she laid eyes on him standing there with tears in his eyes, tears born of the everlasting love he felt for her… that she always had. He had given her love such as she had never known… and when she needed him, he was there, even when she tried to push him away. John cared for her as a friend and cherished her as a lover; they were soulmates, created only for each other. There were no more doubts about that; all the old pain had been set aside in favor of their renewed love affair, one that would never end…..
From this moment
As long as I live I will love you
I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn’t give
From this moment on…
John was awestruck to see the depth of love and devotion in her eyes… she loved him completely and unconditionally… What a blessing, what a gift it was… like the promise of resurrection to the sinner. Marlena’s love was a source of guidance, a cleansing force and he would never forsake it, not for anyone or anything, not ever again!
You’re the reason I believe in love
And you’re the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you……
Their happiness was being made complete and nothing would stop their union from becoming a reality… and yet, danger lurked in the background. There was a dark presence that wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard they tried to banish it from their hearts and minds, it was always there.
John was calling out worriedly in his sleep. “No… no… don’t go, Doc.. don’t let him take her, God.. please don’t let him do this!” he said, the alarm increasing by the second. She was crying out in her dreams as well, “No… don’t take him from me… No, Stefano…please.. NO!”
John heard the sounds of crying and Marlena heard the overpowering fear in the voice of the man she loved. They were both awakened at the same moment in time; aware of the other’s cries in the night, they instinctively moved to comfort each other. When Marlena was on the bed next to him, John wrapped his protective arms around his love, saying reassuringly as he tried to clear his head of those disturbing visions, “Hey… Doc.. it’s okay… everything is fine… we were.. dreaming, that’s all.”
“I know… I know..” she said, trying to push the haunting images from her mind’s eye. “What was yours about?”
His face bore a puzzled expression, and he squinted as he searched for details, “I…. I’m not sure, Doc… how about yours?” he asked as he tried to sit up, feeling curious too.
“Well, it was… very frightening,” she started and then stopped, thinking about it. “Stefano…. he was going to take you from me again, John… I don’t know how… but he.. seemed so sure that he could split us up again. It was *so* real, John.”
Noticing that she was trembling, he tipped her chin up, so that her eyes met his, telling her not to lend credence to bad dreams, “Hey…. he can’t hurt us now, Doc… we’re together and there’s nothing he or anyone else can do to hurt us, as long as we stay strong… right?” he said with an endearing infectious grin.
“Right… as long as we’re together, we can handle whatever life brings… of course you’re right. It was just a nightmare, it doesn’t mean anything at all, does it?” she asked, seeking confirmation once more.
Gesturing for her to move still closer, he said, “Nope… not a thing… now, come here, would you? I need to hold you, baby.”
Settling into the safety and security of his warm embrace, she sighed and said, “Oh…. you’ll get no objection from me.. You don’t even have to ask me… I will always want to be in your arms… any time, day or night.”
“Good..” he said, as he did so, both of them snuggling up next to each other, working to eliminate the feeling of foreboding that had briefly settled over them. Suddenly, his other imagining came to him as he held her close, “Doc.. just before that… I had the most amazing dream about us getting married… it was… incredible… we were so happy…” He was positively grinning as he recalled standing there looking at her as she stood next to him, ready to say the vows that would bind them in marriage. Still imagining the scene which was to come, he spoke quite confidantly, “All our hopes and dreams are going to come true.. you know that, don’t you?” he asked, reminding her of their plans and how strong their bond was.
Turning slightly so their eyes met, she reached out a hand to caress his cheek and answered more positively, “Yes… I do know that… nothing can stop us now.” Hearing him speak of it had sparked her recollection as well, and she said after a pause, with a dreamy expression on her face, “John… I had a dream just like that… I remember I felt more joy and more at peace than at any other time in my life. It’s going to happen this time, isn’t it?”
Nodding slightly, he agreed wholeheartedly, “Yep… we’re going to have a great vacation here in England and then we’re going to go home and get married in St. Lukes, just like we planned last summer and…”
Smiling, she nodded too, completing the picture, speaking with increasing enthusiasm, “And then… we’re going to live happily ever after.”
“Yea….. happily ever after, ” he repeated, blowing out a long contented sigh and snuggling up a little closer, feeling better than he had in half a dozen years. She truly loved him and only him. There was not one smidgen of a doubt about it in his mind at this point. Together, they nestled down under the covers not at all bothered by how small a space it was, their bodies intertwined as their lives soon would be, all the negative thoughts and fears having vanished in the face of the love they were sharing.
The sun was rising slowly, painting the sky in soft pastels, and there was a crisp clean freshness to the air that brought great comfort to her. It was a metaphor she decided… signifying their new beginning. The past and all its accompanying pain and confusion were gone, fading into the background in favor of their bright and exciting future together. They put it all to rest by talking about their convoluted history and all that was left was to take their love and make it grow ever stronger, ever deeper. Marlena resolved to do just that… starting this very morning.
Staring out over the vast expanse of green, Marlena once again acknowledged the glorious sight before her eyes. ‘It’s so beautiful here and I feel so…’ Suddenly, it hit her… she was in Southern England with the love of her life and there were no more barriers to their union…. they were free to marry.
In the next moment, she heard the husky, early morning voice of the man she loved, “Hey there… pretty lady…. how long have you been awake?” asked John, sitting up fairly quickly, and then immediately thinking better of it, as a groan escaped almost involuntarily. “Oh… man, that was a bad move,” he said, cradling his head like a baby.
“Still pretty sore isn’t it?” she said compassionately, moving away from the window and toward the bed.
“Yea… you could say that… so, what happened exactly?” he asked, still struggling to sit upright and straining to recapture the details of the previous evening’s events.
The immediate chuckle she had to stifle should have been enough to warn him off, but being the glutton for punishment, he had to ask, “Okay, Doc… what’s so funny?”
“Well, John… you uh… you jumped up from the table because you…. well, you were… shall we say, ‘in the mood’ and you raced toward the door to follow after me, only you forgot about the low ceiling and the thick wooden beam over the door…” she was saying, but had to stop when the laughter came over her again.
“And, I smacked my head and knocked myself right out?” he concluded accurately with a wry smile on his face.
“Yep…” It was all she needed to say, and all she could say. It was funny in hindsight, now that she knew he wasn’t badly injured.
“Oh… and I suppose… that it was… in front of a whole Pub full of people,” he said wincing at the same time as he was wishing she’d contradict him.
“Right on that account too… Sorry, honey…. I shouldn’t have teased you the way I did… Can I make it up to you?” she asked with a teasing wink.
Sitting upright more slowly this time, John paused for a moment, feigning being upset, but seeing that it wasn’t working, changed tacks. With a seductive tone of voice and expression, he spoke slowly, “Well, I suppose… that I could be… persuaded to… forgive and forget if one very.. sexy lady were to work some magic and make this… terrible… throbbing… headache disappear.”
The way he was looking at her made her heart race with the anticipation of his hands upon her flesh. “Oh… well, I think that something might be done about that,” she said with a soft alluring tone of voice, sitting on the edge of the bed, and undoing the tie of her robe.
His eyes landed on the most prominent feature revealed by that simple gesture, and his throat was suddenly tight, “Oh… yea.. that’s a very good start… ” he managed to eek out.
Next, the robe came all the way off, leaving only the tasteful but revealing negligee to cover the shapely contours of the body he had admired for so long, believing he would only see it in his imagination. “Mmm…mmm…. mmm… did I miss waking up to this.. beautiful sight… I don’t know how I ever.. survived all that time… without you, Doc…” John was murmurming as he scooted over nearer to her, his hands coming to rest on either side of her neck, then to her arms, then to the two soft mounds of flesh he loved to touch. “I love waking up to your gorgeous face, and your… incredibly… sexy… bo..dy,” he was struggling to say as she unexpectedly planted her soft moist lips on his and then swiftly parted them. Her kiss was stirring, her tongue making rapid flickering movements that made his desire increase by the second, igniting the flame that always burned just beneath the surface. “Oh… Doc…. Oh… baby.. I want you…” he moaned, his body responding powerfully, his hands roving in frenzied fashion up and down her nearly bare backside.
“I want you too, John… I want you and only you… for the rest of my life. Don’t ever doubt that again…. allright?” Marlena said convincingly as she engaged him in another sweet kiss, her hands beginning to explore his taut physique, taking him higher with each probing touch.
John felt the need to say his piece too, and paused the contact long enough to draw back so that he could look in her eyes as he spoke, hoping to see that her faith in him was intact, “I won’t.. and don’t you ever doubt my love for you either. It’s just like you said, Marlena… once all the lies were exposed we were free to love each other again… I never stopped loving you… not for a second, you believe that… don’t you?” he asked as his hands went to her face and hair, his right hand caressing her left cheek, the fingers of his left threading her velvet tresses, while he waited for an answer.
“Yes… I do believe that, John… I understand what happened…for both of us, but that’s all in the past. All we have to do now is look forward, John… into a glorious future together.”
His eyes sparkled and his face brightened at that thought, and then he agreed with great enthusiasm, “Yea… you’re right… we’re going to have an amazing life together, you and me and the kids. I promise… I’m going to fill your life with love and laughter, Doc… you deserve so much happiness and I’m going to make sure you get it!”
“Oh, honey… just being with you… is such a pleasure. You’re making my dreams come true by wanting to marry me, by taking me on this trip. Speaking of which what exactly do you have planned for today?” she asked innocently.
“You mean… after I ravage my wonderful, sexy… wife to be…” he said with a low sound that was suspiciously like a growl, as he nibbled on her collarbone, then moved to the hollow of her neck. “I need you, Doc… I need to show you how very much I love you,” he added, while reaching inside the light covering of silky fabric, nearly worshipping her soft round breasts, touching them tenderly, as if his hands had never before come in contact with something so delicate.
“Oh… John… oh, honey… she said breathlessly. “I guess that nasty old headache just flew right out of your head,” she said with a seductive tone of voice followed by a teasing giggle as she drew back and removed the negligee, just before stradling his naked form.
It was all he could do to come up with even one coherent thought, as his laid there, his eyes on overload… “Uh… woah… I uh…” he started to say, swallowing hard. “…yea… it’s..uh… it’s all gone,” he said in wonderment, his attempt at snapping his fingers failing miserably. “You… uh…you look… so good to me, Marlena… and I mean it when I say you’ve only become more beautiful with the passage of time.” He managed to finish strong after stammering, the fact that he’d been all flustered to begin with, making it all the more meaningful.
He could still make her blush upon occasion and this was one of them, “Oh.. John… that is such a sweet thing to say to me… and for the record…. you’re still as handsome as the day I first met you. And, my love for you has only grown stronger through the years.”
“I’m only speaking the truth, Doc…” he was saying, but she hushed him…with a fingertip to his lips, saying, “Let’s not talk anymore, honey…. let’s just…”
“Yea… let’s just…” he replied like an automaton, and it was the last word spoken for awhile. That was all the cuing he required, his mouth answering her with a kiss that left her breathless. He had a knack for doing that at precisely the right moment. His next move, turning the tables suddenly to reposition them, sealed the deal, part of his body weight upon her and the tenderness of his touch on her upper thighs sending shivers up and down the length of her body. And then he made a trail of soft moist kisses all around her chest, before honing in on her breasts, his tongue bringing her such pleasure as it swiped at that soft sensitive flesh.
Her breathing quickened and heated tingling sensations flowed freely, her desire mounting with every touch, every kiss he gave, “Oh… honey… oh.. that feels so good…” she said, practically panting with the need of him.
He smiled inside… it was comforting to know he still had what it took to bring her such intense pleasure. “Oh, you like that, do you? ” he said, pausing for just long enough to get a reaction.
Marlena didn’t want it to stop… she needed him like never before…. “Yes… yes, it feels so good, John… don’t stop… please…” she pleaded, pulling his head closer to her chest again.
“Your wish is my command…” he said with a lusty laugh, just before resuming his ministrations, climbing on top and positioning himself just so…. Seconds later they were moving toward the special place of intimacy they could only find in each other’s arms.
His fingers were masterful, caressing her skin in ways that brought her desire to maddening levels, “Mmm… oh, John… oh… please… I want us both to feel good… together…” she was saying, as he stimulated her expertly, the pressure of his hand making her ache for him to join with her.
It was all he wanted to know, that what he was doing made her feel so good. “I do, Doc… I love to bring you pleasure…” he said, breathing hard from the exertion, barely able to hold himself back, but wanting to wait until precisely the right moment in which she would feel the most excitement.
“Oh… baby… you do.. Please, John… I want you.. now,” she cried pressing her fingers into the highly toned muscles of his back. There was an appealing desperation in her voice and in her dazzling hazel eyes that he couldn’t resist. She wanted him and needed him like never before and he gave all of himself to their lovemaking, feeling more confidant in their love than at any other time in their lives together, or apart. She once knew him as Roman Brady and she loved him then, but it was partly because of who she thought he was…. Now, she loved him as John Black, a man without a past, without a family, without a true identity… They were together in spite of a deck that was so clearly stacked against them and it was wondrous to behold. As he prepared to take his fiance, he paused just long enough to gaze deeply into those alluring eyes, capturing the moment in the camera of his mind.
He shut his eyes, and in one smooth move, he entered the warm moist confines of her pleasure zone. They held each other in silence for a moment, enjoying the intensity of their mutual desire… and then together they made a magical journey of love, their bodies moving in perfect time, as if created for this purpose, to share such a level of intimacy as no others had, before or since.
There were heated electrical sensations flowing through every nerve fiber in her body and she never wanted it to end. It was so… amazing to be with this man, who moved her sexually and emotionally, like no other could, “Oh… John… it feels.. so… good… I’m so happy to be with you… like this…Oh.. honey!” she cried out in sheer ecstasy, the pleasure so intense, as he moved up and down over her, each time increasing her need for him.
John was feeling the same thing as his body responded powerfully to the fire that burned so hot and bright, his desire intensifying with each passing second. “Oh… Marlena… it feels so… incredible.. Oh, I love you… I love you so much!” he cried, experiencing a climax so intensely pleasurable as to take his breath away. “Oh.. Doc!” he cried as they found the highest heights of ecstasy and began to travel downward, their rapidly beating hearts in sync.
“Mmm… oh….John… that was…” she started to say… but stopped because she was out of breath too.
“Amazing…. Doc… that was amazing,” John finished the thought as he collapsed on the bed, obviously sated, his body exhausted by the powerful release of tension. “Ah… whew…” he added, wishing it never had to end. It was always the case when he made love with this stunning creature lying next to him.
“Oh…. John… you outdid yourself… whew… that was wonderful honey,” she replied with a broad satisfied smile, her breathing still much faster than normal.
His smile was wide too, and he gladly accepted her compliment, “Why, thank you, Doc… it’s nice to know I haven’t lost my touch. You’re no slouch in that department either young lady…you were… fantastic. God, I really missed making love to you Doc… I hated being apart…”
Remembering all those long lonely winter nights, she let out a regretful sigh and agreed wholeheartedly, “Oh, so did I… honey, you’ll never know how difficult it was to let you go… to know that you were all alone at the Salem Inn, when you should have been with me… in our bed.”
Those two words sounded so good together and he sighed contentedly, and said, “Our bed…. that sounds so good to me, Doc.” Rolling toward her, he leaned on his right elbow and threaded her silky hair with the fingers of his left, saying, Whew… I can’t wait… to make you my wife again, to start over with you and me and the kids…the way it always should have been. I’m so happy, Doc,” he finished passionately.
She smiled as a sense of peace filled her heart. “So am I, honey… this is truly a brand new beginning for us… And this time it’s going to last forever. “
Slipping his right arm underneath her and snuggling up close to his lover, John agreed with that sentiment, as they instinctively laced the fingertips of their free hands together. Glancing at the engagement ring that shined so brightly in the morning sunlight, he said gleefully, “Yea… today is the beginning of our happily ever after, Marlena. There isn’t anything left to come between us, and I know that we can handle any curve life throws our way, as long as we’re together.” She only sighed and nodded her head, feeling totally at peace for the first time in almost a decade. At last, she was starting her new life with the man she would love for all the days of her life. ‘Together,’ her mind repeated internally, as she faded slowly into an exhausted lover’s rest, feeling safe and secure, content to be back in his arms once again.
It was a perfect day for galavanting across the English countryside and John and Marlena were more than eager to get out and explore the wide open expanses of lush green land. Their love seemed so fresh and new and they felt giddy, almost like teenagers finding out about love for the first time, and yet along side it there was the assured confidence and wisdom that came with age. It was wonderful and they revelled in it as they headed down the stairs for the traditional fare served at the typical bed and breakfast. After more than a full day or so in England, this was the first meal they were spending at the place in which they were staying.
Mrs. Smythe smiled at the loving couple, remembering when she was young and in love. It was one of her favorite parts of running a bed and breakfast… seeing couples in love, on their honeymoons or other special trips. It was a delight to see others so happy. “Good morning to you.. did you.. sleep well?” she asked with a mischievious twinkle in her aging eyes.
Marlena blushed slightly and let John answer, “Oh… yes… that’s the best night we’ve had for a very long time. Thanks so much for asking… that bed is very comfortable. Wouldn’t you say, Doc?” he was asking, as his hand snuck around to land on her backside. As unobtrusively as possible, she moved that hand and tried to maintain her decorum with the elderly lady, “Uh… yes, it’s….very comfortable..”
Changing the subject for the lady’s benefit, Martha said cheerfully, “Well, I certainly hope you’ve got a hearty appetite because I’ve cooked up a traditional English breakfast.. eggs, sausage, hotcakes and scones, and fresh fruit to boot. I’ve got orange juice, tea and coffee to drink.”
“Oh my… it all looks beautiful… thank you so much… John, isn’t this wonderful?” she said, pointing to the bountiful table.
“Yes… it’s great….really great.. I’m pretty hungry,” he was saying… and then he couldn’t resist adding something else to tease his fiance, “Yesterday was such an… active day.”
With that, Marlena punched him in the arm, thinking he was carrying on a little too much. “John..would you stop that…” she was whispering. “You’re going to embarass her.”
Leaning a little closer, her whispered back, “Allright, Doc…I’ll quit, but I want you to know something. Being with you… it’s been.. incredible.. and I want to be with you like that every day for the rest of my life.” As she withdrew from him slightly, the look in his eyes was irresistible, the smoldering embers ready to be ignited at any given moment. She shuddered in response, but said nothing more.
“You know… if I didn’t know better, I would assume that you two were on your honeymoon,” said the hostess, calling attention to their special brand of closeness.
Marlena beamed to hear her say it… and she envisioned the moment it became true as clear as day, “We will be…. and very soon…. This is sort of a…”
John couldn’t resist another joke about it, and completed her sentence, saying, “Trial run… you know… to see if we’re really compatible?”
His fiance slapped his arm that time, saying frustratedly, “John….. Oh.. he’s just kidding. In all honesty… our relationship is a little… complicated but we’ve been in love for a very long time. This trip is a celebration of our reunion. We plan to be married as soon as we return to Salem.”
The older woman smiled again and said pleasantly, “Oh, that’s splendid news. I love to see couples so happy and in love and believe me I’ve seen more than my fair share. It’s a cinch to see that you two belong together.”
That too made Marlena smile broadly. It was reaffirming to hear someone else observe what they had always known deep in their hearts. As each day passed, they believed it more and more strongly. “Why thank you… we happen to think so too. Our love is forever,” Marlena spoke to Mrs. Smythe, but was looking at John, her eyes saying even more about the depth of their bond, her hand reaching across the table to grasp his.
Being a man who knew when it was time to be serious, John said just the right thing, giving his lady’s hand a squeeze in response as he did so, “Yes it is… We’ve never stopped loving each other in all these years and there’s nothing that can keep us apart now that we’re finally back together again.”
Marlena and Mrs. Smythe both sighed as if they’d planned it and the three of them shared a hearty laugh before settling down to eat a good breakfast.
When it was finished, John and Marlena were ready for a hike. “Mrs. Smythe.. would you mind telling us where we might get a good map of the hiking trails around town here?” John asked, ready to get outside to enjoy some fresh air.
“I’ve got one you can use…. It’s got all the trails for the surrounding areas. It’s marked so that you can tell which ones are fairly easy to navigate and which are for very experienced hikers who are in exceptional physical condition.”
“Oh, that’d be great, thank you.. Soon, they were well on their way and debating which way to go by studying the map. John wanted to take the more strenuos branch, Marlena the more navigable…. of course. “Marlena… we need the exercise.”
“But I thought you were the one who said the bedroom was enough for now… he he!” she said, giggling like a giddy school girl.
“I was joking, Doc… not that I don’t think that counts mind you. It’s just not… enough.”
“Oh… and here I thought I was satisfying you.”
” Oh.. you are.. don’t get me wrong, it’s just that….” John stopped talking, realizing he was digging himself a deeper hole with each passing moment. “Well, I mean that…. oh, never mind… let’s just take a walk in the sunshine. You don’t get many of these kinds of days in England Doc… come on, it’ll be fun!” he said, taking her hand with boyish excitement.
“Oh, allright… you’ve convinced me. It does feel good to get out into the fresh air.”
The sun was shining brightly in an azure sky and the temperature was hovering around the fifty degree mark, the sun on their backs making it feel even warmer, an unusually warm day for February in Southern England. For awhile they walked along the path, hand in hand not talking at all, which felt good after the long and often quite intense review of their complicated history Marlena hinted at during breakfast.
All of a sudden, John took off down the path, blanket in hand, after whispering something in her ear which she caught most of, “John…. did you just say what I think you said?” she asked watching him jog a few yards away.
“You’ll have to catch me to find out… Come on, Doc… you’re still in good shape…. catch up with your old man…”
“You know… I do work out at the Salem Club… you might not know that.. but I’m pretty fast these days.”
“Oh… yea…you’re one.. fast chick… sleeps with her man the same night they finally come to their senses and get back together…” he said jogging backwards
“Hey…. as I recall that there was someone else who was, how shall we say… eager to…make the reunion official.”
“Yea… but as you ladies like to say…. men always want it.. any time any place…”
“With any one.. Oh, so that explains it.”
“Not fair…. definitely not fair..” he said defensively, still feeling bad about being with the dragon lady.
“If the shoe fits….” she said, only partially teasing.
“I’ll wear *you* baby,” he said stopping dead in his tracks.
That made her laugh, and she said with a puzzled expression, “Oh… now that’s an intriguing concept…. care to show me how that works in reality?”
“Here……. now? Outside?” he asked, looking around them at the wide grassy area near the lake, thinking as he considered the possibility, that it was actually a wonderful spot for lovemaking.
Marlena smiled at the second look he gave her and repeated his words, “Any time, any where, John?” She loved the look on his face which said that in reality there were certain… conditions. “Gotcha… and I’m gonna keep you!” she said, stepping still closer.
He leaned in and whispered in her ear again, “Yep….. and I’m gonna tell you a little secret. I’ve always wanted to be a *kept* man.”
Wrapping her slender arms around his neck, she said authoritatively, “Oh good, cause now is your chance….I’m never letting you go again, John Black… you are all *mine* and no woman will ever come between us, not ever again!” She kissed him fiercely, so that there would be no question whatsoever, her tongue taking control of the moist enticing contact which left them both breathing a little faster.
He shuddered with the results, saying, “Oh….. I do love a strong woman who knows what she wants,” he said staring at her with fire in his eyes. She was so sexy in this moment and he found his desire rising, and he wanted her more than ever before.
“And I *do* know what I want… I want *you*…. right here and right now…” she whispered with an intensity of passion he found irresistible.
She was such a powerful force, he almost found himself stepping backwards. He gulped and said, “Woah… Doc! I… I like this side of you… it’s uh…it’s very…” he was saying, nearly breathless from the sudden warmth radiating through his body, and from a racing heartbeat.
Her smile was wicked and he swooned just to look at her as she replied, “Very…. now shut up and kiss me!” she commanded forcefully, tearing off her jacket.
“Yea….. yea… course I will,” he said, nodding and stammering before he complied with her request, his eyes wide and staring her up and down, his mouth open, his tongue prepared for another dance with hers. Marlena moved in and captured his mouth in another awe inspiring kiss. Soon, his need for her was so strong and his hands began traveling over the surface of her body, slipping underneath the loose fitting sweatshirt she was wearing for just such a purpose.
“Oh, Doc…. I want you… so much… Oh, you haven’t…. “
“I haven’t taken control like this for a very long time, have I? Well, “she said, taking him down toward the ground, “I have control now, don’t I?” All he could manage was a slight nod of the head, for he was mesmerized, completely enraptured and under her spell. Between moist kisses that left him hungry for more she was asking him questions, alternately blowing short breaths on his neck and behind his ears, her tongue making periodic swipes before the breaths, “You need me, John… don’t you… you need me so much… you’ll do anything I say… won’t you?” she was asking him… her aggressiveness turning him on like almost no other time they had been together.
Again, all John could do was stare at her with pleading eyes and nod his head lightly. “Say it, John….”
“I’ll do anything…. I’m yours… completely. You… own me, Doc…. now and forever.”
She smiled with mischief dancing in her sparkling hazel eyes… “Ah, now that is music to my ears. Allright… now ask me the question, John….”
“What…. Oh, Marlena… will you please… make love to me?”
The look on her face made him ache to take her, and then he laughed when she said, “And, they say men are slow on the uptake.” With that, she removed her sweatshirt and bra, revealing her shapely curves and two soft mounds he was dying to touch, but he was paralyzed, intoxicated with her every move, every kiss, every breath upon his skin. She began to unbutton his shirt, kissing each section of his sexy, muscular chest as she moved down the length of his body. When she was at the beltline, she made one swift move, pulling the shirt out of his pants and then she began on his belt, wasting no time.
John reached out to pull her to him, but she shoved him down… placing her weight on him…. “Stay there…. this is going to take awhile,” she said in a commanding whisper that made his breathing quicken even further….. his mouth salivating with the anticipation of what she had planned next. As difficult as it was, he held back and did as she said, letting her control their lovemaking this time. He laid still, waiting and knowing she was going to drive him wild with burning desire.
She straddled him…. leaning down over him to kiss his neck and then moving toward his mouth, her lips hovering over his for anxious moments. She heard his moan of desire and made him wait another second or two, until he couldn’t stand it any longer. He tried to tell her and she hushed him with her fingertips…. “No…. I’m in control… I decide when to kiss you… where to touch you… I’m in charge… say it to me….”
Whatever she had planned, he felt like he was going to die if couldn’t take her soon, “You’re killing me here, Doc…you know how much I need you…” he said, still not quite getting the point.
“I know… and you’ll have me…. when *I’m* ready…” His breathing was so ragged now… his raging desire obvious… “Okay… you have total control… you decide everything…” he said, barely able to think rationally.
She was loving the desperation in his voice and the fact that all of his focus was on her and their being together in this most intimate of ways, “And you… have to be quiet…. you are going to let me do whatever I want… right?”
“Right… Oh, please Doc….don’t make me wait!” he said anxiously, his eyes pleading with her, his breathing taking on a jagged edge, his bulging need to join with her becoming more and more intense as the seconds passed. She looked into those brilliant blue eyes which were now on fire for her, and smiled with growing pleasure, revelling in the absolute power she had over him at the moment. He needed her desperately, like never before. It was glorious… after all the time apart, after all the time she had to wait and wonder if he still loved her, there was nothing in the universe he wanted more than her and she was going to give him just a little payback for all those long lonely nights she spent wanting him, wishing they could be together, knowing he was a few yards away in another room, with another woman….
Clad only in his underwear, John was lying on his stomach atop the bed studying a map of England, focused on the southwestern section of that wide expanse of territory. Marlena stepped out of the bathroom in her robe, and looked at her lover’s sexy form admiringly… again. Sensing he was being watched, he rolled onto his left side and glanced over at her… “What?” he asked innocently, wondering why she was staring at him so intently.
She winked at him and he realized from her slightly lusty expression that he’d been so involved in his planning that he’d neglected to get dressed. “Oh… uh.. Doc… honestly… I don’t think I can… I mean I….” he was stammering when she laughed and then let him off the hook.
Marlena giggled at his hesitance to say he was exhausted from all the lovemaking and needed a rest. “It’s okay… a girl can enjoy looking without touching… once in awhile.”
He sighed gladly, saying as he wiped his hand across his forehead, “Whew… that’s a relief… don’t get me wrong.. I love making love with you…but you’re killing me, Doc…”
She interrupted him, wanting to let him know that she too was ready to focus on other things, “Honey… you don’t need to explain. It’s okay… we’ve been together almost constantly since we arrived here. I’m ready for a break too.”
“Oh good… cause I’ve been looking at the map here and I’d like us to go off toward Land’s End for a couple of days and then send for the kids… how’s that sound?”
Sitting down next to him, she said, “It sounds wonderful, John…. I’ve always wanted to see this country… I’ve heard such wonderful things about that area.”
“Great…. then let’s get going!” he said excitedly, scampering off the bed and quickly into his black jeans. Marlena loved when he wore those, they fit very nicely, “Oh.. my..” she said with that admring tone, as she sashayed over toward him… her hands going instinctively to his well formed backside when she was standing directly in front of him.
He looked up at her and said as he was reaching out to draw her into a hug, his arms wrapping snuggly around her, “Hey… now.. I’m the one that’s supposed to be paying all the compliments here… and I gotta tell you Doc… it doesn’t matter what you wear… you’re the most beautiful creature this man has ever laid eyes on and you always will be,” he said as he gazed into her sparkling eyes.
Beaming at his flattering words, she said, “Oh, you sure know how to make a girl feel appreciated.”
“Well you are, baby, you are…” he was saying as he lightly caressed her left cheek with the knuckles of his right hand… then added as his finger traced the outline of her jaw, “Now, we better get a move on… or we’ll never leave this place… Every time we’re close to each other, we seem to want to get even closer. Do you think that’s a problem, Doctor Evans…. I mean the fact that we can’t think about very much besides making love,” he finished as he stroked that golden hair he loved so much.
“No… do *you* think it’s a problem?” she asked with a teasing wink as she ran her fingers through the hairs on his oh so sexy chest, stirring those warm sensations that made him want her… again. He moaned softly, very tempted….”Oh..”
She just giggled with satisfaction… even when he didn’t want it, he did…. “Uh… well, no.. I don’t… it’s just that…”
John was obviously wondering how he could get out of this one without upsetting her when she giggled at his uncertainty.
“John…. I’m teasing you… We were apart for several years and a few days ago we finally worked things out again… and so it’s only natural that we want to make up for lost time, but I’m ready to go exploring too, as soon as we’re dressed and packed up.”
“Allright.. I’ll just throw my shirt and shoes on and pack us up while you finish getting dressed yourself. How’s that?” he asked as he dragged himself away from her so he could accomplish that simple task. He managed the shoes part.
“Sounds great, honey… and John… I really am excited about traveling across the countryside with you.”
“Good… because there’s a lot to see, Doc.. it’s really beautiful territory as far as I can see in the guidebooks… It’s going to be great!” he said enthusiastically, sporting a boyish grin, just before shrugging into his royal blue mock turtleneck.
Noticing that his eyes were an even more gorgeous color of blue, she said softly, “It already is… my love… just being with you is a gift… I’m so happy, John.”
Not able to stay away from her for long, he crossed the distance between them and stood there in front of her, his hands grasping hers, their fingers interlocking as he spoke to her, “So am I, Doc.. happier than I’ve ever been.. and nothing matters to me but you and the kids…. We have a great future ahead of us and I can hardly wait to get back to Salem to plan the wedding.”
She smiled in that wistful way she had, as images of their first ceremony came to mind and the feeling of being blissfully happy to be standing there with him, prepared to pledge her troth.. “Oh… our wedding…. sometimes it still seems so… unbelievable to me… we’re actually free to marry again, John… Kristen is gone and Roman has moved on… “
“Yep… there aren’t any more obstacles in our path, Doc. It’s smooth sailing from here on out,” John said gesturing to emphasize his point.
“Honey… I hate to even ask this… but what about..”
“My past? Shaking his head… he negated the thought. “I’ve made a decision about it… I’m not going to pursue it anymore. What’s done is done… All I care about is making a life with you and Belle and Brady.. If I remember it someday then fine.. but I’m not going looking anymore. It’s over, Doc… we’re free to live the life we’ve always dreamed about and I’m not going to do anything to mess that up.”
After they had come back from the jungle there was a hint of an interest and she’d wondered if he would go after it with more determination… as Hope had decided to do. She was secretly relieved. “Oh… honey.. if you’re sure that’s what you want then I support you in your choice. I just don’t want you to have any regrets later. Are you certain you want to just let it all go?” she was asking as she slipped into her jeans and then her tennis shoes, finishing with her sweater as he paused for a moment.
Nodding his head, he looked her in the eye and said very convincingly, “Yep… I’ve wasted enough time on all that… I want to appreciate what I have in the here and now… and that is you and the kids, Doc… I love you and all I want to focus on right now is making you happy… okay?”
“Okay… if that’s what you really want than that’s what we’ll both do… I want you to be happy too, my love… so… let’s go play!” she said excitedly, taking his hand, glad to have the issue settled for the time being. In the back of her mind, she wondered whether he could truly let it go as he said he planned to do…. but for now, she would not address it any further. She wanted to enjoy the pleasure of his company and his full attention, for it was glorious when he doted on her the way he sometimes did. John held her for awhile, his arms around her body, nuzzling his face against hers and breathing deep of her fragrance…. “Ah… I never want to be any place other than this… this is heaven… holding you.. being with you the way we have been. I can’t wait to make you my bride, Marlena Evans..”
“And, I can’t wait to *be* your bride, John Black!” she exclaimed joyfully.
“Then, we’re a perfect match… come on go with me, baby… This is *our* time!”
After finishing with the packing, they went down for one last meal with Mrs. Smythe… and she was looking at them and smiling. This was a very happy couple, so much in love, holding hands as they walked, John pulling Marlena’s chair out for her as she went to sit down. It warmed the older woman’s heart to see that love, romance and chivalry were not dead, as many of her more cynical friends seemed to think. She recalled the stories of her childhood, the ones about the Knights in shining armor and the Ladies in waiting… and she smiled as she imagined this couple in a story such as that.. John suited in protective armor, riding high upon a white steed and Marlena wearing a beautiful pastel gown, watching him from the royal box at the jousting match.. as he tried to prove his worthiness to court her…
“Mrs… Smythe… are you allright?” she heard in the distance and then snapped to attention.. “Oh, my.. goodness me.. I am sorry.. what it is you were saying Mr. Black?” she asked, as the images faded slightly. He was such a handsome man.
Wondering what had captured her attention, John repeated himself, “I was just saying that we’ve really had a wonderful time here, but we’ll be leaving today. We want to go see the countryside and visit some of the old castles. Do you have any places you would want to recommend seeing?”
“Oh.. I’m sorry that you’ll be leaving. I’ve enjoyed having you here… but I can understand wanting to see more of England. As far as places to see.. Salsbury Cathedral is wonderful… and the town as well. Then there’s Dartmoor… beautiful countryside and Land’s End is quite breathtaking,” she answered, remembering her own days of being young and in love. This couple appeared to be in middle age, but they were young in spirit and caught up in the rapture of love; the engagement period was always such a magical time.
Nodding as he recalled spotting those places on the map, John looked to Marlena and asked her about it, “We’ll see it all then… Are you up for it, Doc?”
She was nodding and smiling as she said agreeably, “Wherever you lead, my love… I will follow… It all sounds interesting. I’ve always wanted to travel in this country, so I’m sure I’ll love all of it.”
The older woman had a special feeling about this couple… as if they had recently been through many difficulties and were finally about to have a much deserved period of happiness. “You will and you’ve happened to catch the weather in a very unusually warm winter. It’s almost like someone knew you were coming and ordered it up especially for you.”
The couple smiled warmly in response to that idea. It did seem so… as if God had ordained that they would finally have their day in the sun… both literally and symbolically… no matter where they went. If it were England in late winter.. so be it. The temperatures were unseasonably warm and they weren’t about to complain. “Maybe so… ” John said with a sigh of peaceful contentment as he reached for Marlena’s left hand, bring it to his mouth for a soft kiss, admiring the engagement ring that was finally back on her finger. It felt so good to be openly in love and able to touch her and kiss her whenever he felt the urge, instead of constantly fighting off his impulses where she was concerned. Her eyes told him she was feeling the same way, that she had hated having to pretend while Roman was so ill and during his recovery. That entire period had been very hard on both of them, but it was all in the past. They were free now.
As the couple drove off in the Jeep, Mrs Smythe watched them, wishing she were young again and off on her own adventure, but pleased to have met them. For they had renewed her faith in true love, something she had always believed in but had come in recent years to wonder about. What with all the stories of lovers torn apart, of betrayal and deception, affairs and divorce… she had begun to give up on love. For her personal life it was not important, but for her professional life it was a total disaster. Mrs. Smythe was a writer of historical romances and she hadn’t been able to create another compelling story in three years. Her publisher and her fans were clamoring for another tale of love and romance, a story filled with excitement, danger, and intrigue written in her own special style. Now she knew one other reason why the handsome John Black and the lovely Dr. Marlena Evans had come to stay in her small English Bed and Breakfast. They were destined to be the models for the hero and heroine of her final novel in the genre. She smiled as her mind conjured up the vision she’d had at the breakfast table…
“Ah… true love… tis a grand thing indeed!” she said with a broad smile on her aging face, feeling her belief in love coming back to life, each time she remembered their happy faces, the way they gazed intently into lovesick eyes… the way they held hands wherever they went… “And now… I shall be off to write about it once more… Thank you, my Lord for bringing this special couple to my home; they shall be my inspiration.”
The Jarlena Journal 