Caroline came down the back stairs and rushing out into the pub looking around franticly for John. She realized fairly quickly that he had already left. She sighed deeply and walked over to Marlena, who was standing at the bar, “John left Brady’s Mr. Huggie Bear behind…” she said as she held a stuffed teddybear in a red sweater to her chest.
“Oh,” was all Marlena could muster as her heart raced to keep up with her tormented mind. John was leaving her, leaving Salem, and it was breaking her heart. She was torn between her love for John and her love for Roman, but if she was honest with herself, which lately she rarely was…she knew it was different. Her love for Roman was a softer, more caring love. She loved him as the father of her children, she loved him as a…friend, but being in love with Roman? That was before he died.
Loving John had changed her forever and it was also tearing her apart. Her heart was breaking piece by piece. Every glance, every longing look, slight touches, or comments…they were all slowly, but irrevocably breaking her heart. Loving John was a passionate, wild, storm and after that…there could be no one else. Ever. So while she went through the motions in her marriage to Roman, she said all the right things and behaved the way she thought she was expected to…she was slipping further and further into a dark and lonely place. Marlena was scared about what would happen if she passed through the other side.
As Marlena stood lost in thought, staring toward the pub door, Caroline studied her. Marlena rarely smiled and laughter was all but forgotten. Eric and Sami had chosen to stay in Colorado, rather than live with a mother who was almost a stranger and a newly returned father who was a complete stranger. Losing John had broken the twins as clearly as it was slowly breaking her. Marlena reached to take the bear from Caroline, running her fingers over the soft fur of its face and said, on impulse, “I’ll drive it over there.”
“I thought you were having dinner with Roman?” Caroline looked around the, only then noticing Roman’s absence, “Wait, where did he go?”
“He was called to the station,” Marlena responded vaguely. Caroline noted Marlena’s distraction again, but Marlena had been distracted a lot lately…and very sad, so very sad. Caroline had tried to talk to Shawn about it, but he seemed to think there was no problem. To Shawn, life was simple, Roman was home, Marlena was with him and John had Isabella…until he didn’t. But Caroline knew there was more, much more.
Roman and Shawn often had a very simplistic way of looking at life, failing to note the nuances of the emotions in the people and the world around them. They were both very concrete thinkers. Caroline wasn’t oblivious to the way John stared at Marlena when she walked into a room. Even if his back was turned and Marlena entered a space, he would immediately stiffen and turn to find her with his eyes. He couldn’t even see her and he somehow knew. He felt her. Caroline also saw the way Marlena would watch John with her eyes whenever he was nearby. Sometimes it was almost painful to watch the way they gravitated towards each other and then forced themselves to maintain a socially acceptable amount of distance. Their occasional touches would read as friendly to most, but their eyes said much more. Marlena’s eyes were the most expressive. Her eyes told the whole story…if one cared to look close enough to read it.
This evening, when John said he was leaving Salem, Caroline noticed he was actually looking at, and speaking directly to, Marlena when he said it. Shawn was too flustered by the idea of John potentially leaving Salem to notice and Roman was watching for Marlena’s reaction to the news. Neither one seemed to notice the byplay between the man and woman in front of them. And when Marlena asked John, “Are you sure you have to do this?” John looked her right in the eyes and said cryptically, “It’s the only way out for me…” In that moment Caroline knew, without a doubt, John was leaving because of Marlena and Marlena knew it too. Something more was definitely going on and all Caroline could do was pray that the people she loved could navigate their way through this with as little hurt as possible.
Caroline wondered if Marlena driving the bear to the loft was a good idea. She knew that Victor had taken Brady for the night and John was alone. The tension between John and Marlena earlier was enough to make her question whether this should happen tonight. When emotions run high and people are desperate…things happen that they might regret later. She could attest to that every time she looked at Bo. It could be the worst idea, if she was right. But, she wasn’t sure why, she decided to ignore her misgivings. She reached out to softly touch Marlena’s arm, startling her, and asked, “Are you sure you don’t mind driving the bear over to the loft?”
~ ~ ~ ~
Marlena’s mind was a whirlwind of memories as she drove to John’s. The rain had started almost as soon as she left the pub, misting her hair and making her clothes damp. However, all good sense and reason had seemed to have left her, obviously, because Marlena knew this was a bad idea, and she was going anyway. Her mind was spinning as tears rolled down her cheeks.
** John held her jacket tightly in his fist and pressed himself against her back, speaking softly into her ear, “…all I can think about is you sharing your life with me.”
Tears run down her face as she feels the futility of fighting this any longer. Marlena turns to face him and fervently whispers,“What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?”
“I don’t ever wanna let you go…ever,” John whispers back, stepping closer and smoothing her jacket down.
“What? Am I your hostage now?” Marlena asks with a small smile.**
She pulls the car off to the side of the road to get her bearings. Memories of her times with John are coming at her rapid fire and her tears combined with the rain are making it impossible to focus on the road. She can’t continue to drive the car if she’s crying and upset.
**Marlena took deep breaths, breathing in the familiar scent of him before she pulled back to look at his face, asking him“Roman…are you all right?”
He stared at her almost as if he expected her to disappear, “You’re real?” he asks. Marlena has a small smile on her face and she nods. He touches her face again softly,“I thought you were gone…I thought I’d never see you again.”
She wants to explain, and she starts to, saying, “Roman, I know this is really hard to believe—”
He cuts her off, “—I’m not questioning it, Doc! You’re real…you’re here…” He stares at her in wonder, touching her face and pulling her towards him. Their foreheads rub, and his fingers lace through her hair pulling her closer, as their breathing picks up. Lips seek each other out as they both search for the lost part of their soul.**
“Oh, G-d!” Marlena cries into the silent interior of her car, slamming her fists into her steering wheel. The mere idea, the thought of John leaving, makes her feel desperate and out of control, “I can’t—I can’t! I can’t lose him!” She sobs uncontrollably.
**“I am a very good doctor!” Marlena says vehemently, turning to face John in the hospital break room.
“That’s a fact, Doc! That’s not the point,” John says watching her as she to tries to convince him that he should allow her to be his doctor.
“Alright, fine. What’s the point?” Marlena asks, desperate to help him, desperate to stay in this small room, close to him…able to breath him in. She’s lost him to Isabella, she’s married to Roman…but she has to be able to keep John in her life.
“I need someone who can be objective,” he states simply with no further elaboration.
“I can,” she replies just as simply.
“Treat me just like any other patient—” he continues.
“—I can!” Marlena practically shouts at him.
“How many other patients have you slept with?” he asks her.**
Marlena leans her forehead on the steering wheel of her car and tries to regulate her breathing. She’s never had a full blown panic attack, but she feels as if she may be very near to one now. Her chest hurts with a deep ache…the ache of loss. The ache you feel when a loved one dies and you know you aren’t getting them back. And while John hasn’t died, the feeling of loss is very similar.
**”Do you know how many times I thought about that night you came back here on that pier, to me?” John asks her softly, stepping forward to bring their bodies closer. His voice, his whisper, is almost seductive.
Marlena wonders if he thinks about it as often as she does, but she replies, “That was ages ago.”
“It was just like tonight. Maybe a little more mist in the air, but the river smelled the same. I didn’t have any idea what I was looking for that night…and I found you. I can still remember the moment when I turned around, and I saw you standing there. It was like I was looking at a vision. I couldn’t believe you were real…in fact, I had to touch you…” John reaches out and softly runs his finger over her cheek, picking up one of her tears. “…just to make sure you were real. And in that second, time stopped…with everything else that was going on in my life, at that moment, the world just went away…and once again it was just you…and me…together once again…” John threads his fingers into her silky hair and pulls her face forward to meet his. “…oh, Marlena…” he moans.
Marlena doesn’t kiss him, but she doesn’t stop him as he runs his lips along her jawline and brushes them softly over hers.**
Her breathing is getting more frenetic and she focuses on calming herself. “Breath, Marlena, breath,” she says out loud to herself.
~ ~ ~ ~
Not usually a drinker, John is on his third glass of whiskey when he hears a knock on the door. Victor, distraught over John leaving town with his grandson, took Brady for the night…which left John free to drown his sorrows and probably pay for it in the morning with a massive headache. He wasn’t quite drunk, but he was definitely on his way. John didn’t drink often. It lowered his inhibitions and, for John, control at all times was essential. John sat on his couch, swirling the amber liquid in his glass, and seriously considered ignoring the knock altogether. But the knock sounded again and he felt some sort of compulsion to answer it.
Pulling the loft door open, he found himself face to face with the reason for his sudden drinking spree. Her hair was curling around her face in that sexy way it did when it when it got wet. He wanted to grab it, grab her, pull her forward and kiss her…all he can manage to do is say, “Hi.”
“Hi,” Marlena whispers back while staring at him, clutching Brady’s bear like a lifeline to her sanity. It’s obvious she’s been crying, probably sobbing from the looks of her. Her eyes are red-rimmed, swollen, and still glassy as she gazes at him without speaking. John looks her over and realizes she’s still dressed like she was earlier, when he ran into her at Chez Vous. The amethyst earrings shining through the curls in her hair and her purple dress peeking from under the hem of her black coat.
She finally holds up the bear and says lamely, “I was afraid Brady couldn’t sleep without this guy…You left him, over at the pub.”
“Well, I’m always leaving something behind…” John says with a slight drawl to his words. Those words meaning so much more to both of them, then just a lost and forgotten teddy bear.
Marlena notices that John seems slightly intoxicated. “John, have you been drinking?”
John doesn’t answer her as he stares at her, his glances occasionally moving over her body or to her lips as she speaks. She continues, “Well…I don’t know why I thought I needed an excuse…I wish I could just stand here and look at you and tell you…and tell you…” She can’t continue as their eyes lock for a moment and her voice trails off.
“Where’s Roman?” John asks her abruptly, still blocking the door. His barely reigned in frustration is threatening to make him do something they will both regret and bringing up Roman is a safe subject. Bringing up Roman allows them both to remember that they have very clear boundaries they cannot cross. Boundaries that his mind is crossing in every sexy scenario it can muster at the moment.
Marlena studies him and pauses for a moment before she answers him, “Roman had a lead on the man who shot Abe.”
“That’s great, that’s great…he’ll get him…” John’s voice trailed off and the awkward silence that followed was deafening. He needed another drink, maybe a double this time.
Marlena finally said, “That isn’t why I came by…I need to know the reason why you’re leaving town—”
John looked from the door where they were standing to the counter for his drink. He had a feeling he was going to need it and walked over to grab it, swallowing it down quickly, finally looking back over his shoulder at the sound of the door closing, only to realize that Marlena had followed him into the loft. He turned back to stare into his empty glass for a moment, “I explained all that at the pub.”
“The official reason, yes, I know, but not the real—”
“—you know the real reason, Doc,” John replies as he walks around the counter and searches the cabinet for the bottle of whiskey he had obviously put away too soon. He has a very strong feeling that he’s going to need another glass before this conversation is over. John pours some in, gulps it down quickly and glances back in Marlena’s direction. He is instantly struck by a desire so strong that he almost reaches for her…again. The only thing preventing him is the kitchen counter between them. Instead he stares into her eyes for a moment, reading something there that made him even more nervous…desperation. He says very quietly, “You have to leave. Now. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation. Let yourself out.” He turns and walks upstairs, leaving Marlena alone.
Marlena watches him go and her heart breaks a little more. “I can’t go,” she says says out loud to herself. “Oh, G-d, I wish I had the wisdom that I have with my patients. You know, I-I can just tell them that they need to take responsibility for their lives, and they have to gain control, and…control is very important, you know…” she finishes as her voice trails off, unsure of what she’s trying to convince herself of. She spins towards the stairs where John exited, gasping for air again, as she whispers, “It’s just that I get over…here…and I can’t control these feelings that I have for you.” Continuing to look at the stairs, she says, “I can’t even leave, and I know I should.” In that moment, Marlena makes a decision that will change her life…she unbuttons her coat, lays it gently on the arm of the sofa, and follows him up the stairs.
John runs his fingers through his hair roughly as he walks into his bedroom. Ripping his shirt over his head and kicking off his shoes, he waits to hear the sound of the loft door closing. He’s frustrated, angry, and his heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces. John rummages through his dresser drawer looking for a pair of sweatpants and unbuttons his jean, still listening for the sound of the loft door closing. He feels as if he can’t breath, his chest is so tight with pent up emotion. This pain he feels is going to settle in and stay. Sitting on the edge of his bed he removes his socks…but still the sound of the door closing on his life with Marlena never comes.
After Mexico last year, when he left with Isabella and Marlena left with Roman…this pain is what he left with. It had stayed with him for months, maybe it never left. Every time he saw her in passing, every time they spoke, it came back fresh and new. He would struggle to push it back and put a smile on his face. He forced himself to engage in polite conversation and idle chit chat just to keep Marlena in his life, because as much as seeing her hurt…not seeing her was never an option.
John rolls his head from side to side, stands up from the bed and begins his pacing again. “Did she leave?” He starts talking to himself as a distraction, “I have to calm down. She’ll leave…she will, but until she does, I have to stay away from her. Stay upstairs. Don’t check to see if she’s—”
As soon as she appears in the doorway to his bedroom, John feels her, even with his back to her, he feels her. Turning to face her he realizes that she’s a mess. She’s been crying, her hair is in disarray…and she’s looking at him as if she’s just lost her best friend. Maybe she has. But what really strikes him is the honesty in her eyes. After weeks of denial and refusal to discuss what was happening between them, John finally sees her heart. She loves him.
He wants her so badly. The impulse to latch on to her and throw them to the bed is barely controllable. This is probably why he shouldn’t drink. John’s breathing picks up, his breaths becoming harsher. He feels himself growing hard and begins clenching his fists to keep himself from grabbing her. She feels too close to him, so he steps back, almost hitting the wall behind him, even though they are on opposite sides of the room. He wants her so badly it’s becoming painful. He practically growls at her, saying, “You need to be with your husband. Please. You have to leave. Right now.”
But she can’t. Marlena knows why he’s clenching his fists, why he stepped back from her. She likes knowing that he is so close to losing what little control he has left. She knows and that knowledge, combined with her desperation to hold onto him…is pushing her to act. She’s so scared that he’s going to leave her forever and take what little bit of himself she’s allowed…and then she’ll be lost. That dark and lonely place that’s been pulling at her for the past year will consume her.
“John…I can’t,” she cries. She knows he’s pushing her away before they do something they might regret, but the more she thinks about what her life is, versus what it could be, she’s not so sure she would regret it. She wants to see how far she can push him before he acts, so she steps into the middle of the room, near the foot of his bed. She intentionally runs her eyes over his half-naked form, taking in his unbuttoned jeans, his obvious erection, and his bare feet. She watches as he shivers and the muscles in his abdomen tremble. John just stares at her, breathing hard, almost moaning aloud, his body visibly tense. Having her in his bedroom and remembering their life together, his love for her, and the passion they shared, is almost his undoing.
Her scents invade his mind and almost strip him of his breath. In her face he sees fear, pain, loneliness, heartbreak, and desire. Marlena makes no attempt to hide her emotions, laying her soul bare for him to read. “Doc…” he groans feeling his cock getter even harder in the tight confines of his jeans, “you have to leave…”
She holds her hand out to him, tears streaming down her soft cheeks, “Please don’t make me, John…please…”
He stares at her hand for a moment, and then back to her teary eyes. “If I so much as even touch you…” he says with barely restrained arousal as she continues to hold out her hand. “I won’t stop, Doc. I won’t be able to. I’ve had too much to drink, and honestly, I won’t want to…f*ck, Doc, I’ve barely been able to hold myself in check for weeks…so I’m asking you to leave…before I—before we, do something we will wish we hadn’t done later. I can’t bear to see regret in your eyes. I think that would break me completely.”
Marlena dropped her hand to her side. She gazed on his tense face, struggling to maintain control, and then she looked at his lips, and she said softly, moving one step closer, “I don’t know that I would regret it.” She licks over her lips and that little peek of the tip of her pink tongue changes everything.
In that moment, time stopped and rushed forward at the same time. John moved forward to meet her, slamming their bodies together and threading his fingers into her hair, pulling her head back and crushing his lips to hers. The force of his actions caused her to whimper and moan from shock and arousal. His mouth pulls at her, biting and sucking for several long moments. Marlena’s sharp gasps filling the otherwise silent room.
John pulls back, licking his lips and staring into her hazel eyes, “Fuck, Doc! You taste like a million memories.” His lips found her neck and bit into her roughly, licking over the sting he left behind. He was going to leave marks on her body and he couldn’t stop himself. He had an almost primal desire to claim her and mark her as his. He wanted to leave marks that she would have to find a way to hide. His body was thrumming with tension as Marlena’s high pitched mewling sounds rang in his ears. Her hands pulled at his hair roughly, pulling his mouth back to hers and biting at his lips. It was a kiss that consumed them. They lost track of where one ended and the other began. She never wanted it to end. Kissing John was like coming home.
John almost roared when Marlena pulled back, kicked off her heels, and started trying to quickly unfasten the belt on her jacket. He reached for her, gripping her belt and pulling her forward. He finished unfastening her belt and dropped it to the floor. In his haste to undo the buttons on the rest of her clothing, one or two flew to the floor with a clatter. Her skin, was all he could think of. He had to get to her skin, because she was digging her fingernails into his and all he could think about was the way she would feel against his chest. John pushed her jacket to the floor, pushing her arms back and staring down into her face. She stared up at him, her eyes half-lidded, looking well kissed and dazed when she whispered, “I love you.”
“G-d, Doc, you know I love you,” John rasped leaning forward, grabbing her head in his hands, and kissing her fiercely. He pushed her skirt off of her hips and it dropped to the floor, leaving her standing there in a creamy white satin teddy, and thigh high stockings. His hands grabbed at her again, pulling her body back into his and the heat of her caused him to moan out loud. Marlena’s mouth began to kiss and suck at his neck and shoulder, licking up behind his ear. His cock got harder and more painful…but the pain was so good. John’s warm hands traveled down her back and over her buttocks, pushing the soft satiny material up when his his hands came back for another pass. His hips ground into her soft belly and he’s again struck by the taste of her mouth. The softness of her tongue brushing his and her soft little gasps of breath across his lips. He’s afraid he going to wake tomorrow and find that this is all a drunken dream…just as he’s done hundreds of times before. He bites at her neck again and licks a long path up to her jaw, causing her to cry out.
Marlena frantically reaches for John’s jeans, trying to push the zipper down. John steps back, quickly removing them and pulls her body back to him, holding her so closely that her back bows a little and her breasts jut out. Looking into her lust filled eyes and licking along her lips, he bit the edge of her mouth and groaned grinding his cock into her again. “Oh, John..John…” Marlena gasped trying to push his boxer briefs down over his hips. “Please…please…” She incoherent in her words, just a jumbled mass, but the point was very clear. He finished pushing his boxer briefs off of his body and allowed them to drop to the floor, his cock springing up to brush across the silky fabric covering her body.
Marlena’s nipples jutted out from her obvious arousal and John licked across the satin fabric covering them. He blew across it gently watching as the wetness and the cold caused it to tighten and pebble further. He leaned in and took her whole nipple into his mouth, fabric and all, and sucked frantically for long moments, occasionally biting the tip, finally pulling back with a pop, and then leaning back in to bite at it gently. Marlena cried out again, “John, please!”
John tore the straps of the teddy down off of her shoulders and pushed it to her waist. Laying her on the bed he hovered over her and licked and bit at her breasts. Running his hot tongue along the underside of one breast, he says to her, “Please what, Doc? What do you want?”
Her head rolled to the side and she looked back at him gasping, “I want you, John…just you…please…”
“You’re mouth tastes the same, Doc…does your pussy?” he asked as he licked a path along her belly to her navel.
“Oh, G-d! John!” Marlena moaned, her hips bucking up toward his mouth, as John pulled the teddy the rest of the way off of her body and slowly licked along her slit. She laced her fingers into his hair and pulled him closer, gasping with soft little pants. John spread her legs wide and pushed them back. He made love to her with his mouth, kissing and biting his way along her lips until he reached her clit. He flicked it roughly with his tongue and then sucked it into his mouth, pulling and tugging. John remembered her body so well and in a matter of moments Marlena crashed into the waves of her climax, screaming John’s name.
Before she even had a chance to come down, John sat back on his haunches and pulled her up to straddle him. She loosely wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Their lips crashed together, her essence all she could could taste as his tongue swept into her mouth. John groaned as Marlena moved her hips back and forth sliding her wet pussy along his cock. The heavenly friction was enough to make him cum right then.
“Doc, f*ck, you’re killing me!” John lifted Marlena up as he slid back to sit against the headboard. He pulled her back down onto him and slid inside her welcoming heat, moaning loudly and biting at her neck again. He wrapped both his arms around her body, holding her so close she couldn’t move and he began rocking his hips gently. “I wish I could sink into you, Doc. I love you so much…”
Marlena’s head rested on John’s shoulders, with her fingers holding tightly to his hair as she slowly climbed toward another orgasm. She kissed his neck, her frantic, breathy pants softly brushing his ear. The sounds of their harsh breathing filled the room and John drove his body harder into her, fiercely rocking their bodies together. He was bringing them both to the edge again and just as Marlena gasped, “John, oh, G-d, John…I’m coming again—” John was hit with the force of an orgasm that caused his vision to go black as he threw his head back and roared.
Several moments later Marlena’s body still rested in John’s arms. His cock, still semi-hard, was inside her as she wrapped herself tighter around him and whispered, “I love you.”
“You can’t love me, Doc,” he whispered back, kissing her shoulder. “As much I want to hear that…”
“I’m going to tell Roman…tonight. I love you. I’m in love with you,” she says quietly kissing his neck, her head still lying on his shoulder. “I’ve been dying inside…ever since Mexico. Losing you almost broke me and every day, I’ve died a little more…” John felt her silent tears on his shoulder. “I can’t keep pretending I’m happy…just to keep other people happy. Roman is barely home. When he is home, we argue because he wants me to be something…someone, that I used to be. But I’m not her anymore…not since I fell in love with you…”
John is silent as he holds her and gently touches her skin and her hair. He breaths in her scent, which hasn’t changed over the years. His heart beats faster at her words, but he’s scared…scared she’ll change her mind…until she lifts her head up to look at him with a soft smile, touching his cheek, and says, “Get this—you’re stuck with me. I made my decision before I walked up those stairs.”
~ ~ ~ ~
Marlena arrived at the police station to find Roman and ask him what time he might be home. She tried to call before she left John’s loft, but there had been no answer. This conversation between them needed to happen tonight. She couldn’t put it off, especially since she had already committed adultery. She knew that she had broken her marriage vows…she just couldn’t manage to find any guilt over it. To her heart, that was the part that rang the most true about the ending of her marriage to Roman…her lack of guilt. She had cheated and she didn’t feel as if she had done anything wrong. It needed to end.
He wasn’t in his office, but his jacket was still hanging on the coat hook, so Marlena knew he had to be in the building somewhere. The Salem Police Department was a huge building. Roman told her earlier that he might be at work until late because of a lead on the guy who shot Abe. Marlena poked her head out of his office and caught another officer walking by. They pointed her towards evidence room. She decided to head down there, rather than wait for him.
This conversation was going to be difficult enough. She hated to hurt him after everything he had been through, but neither one of them was happy. It was time to acknowledge that. She was actually grateful that Eric and Sami had stayed in Colorado after Christmas. Her and Roman’s arguing had reached a whole new level over the last few weeks. He had become more abusive in his language and had shoved her once as he walked by. No matter what she did he was unhappy…and she was miserable. He spent the majority of his time at work and when he was home he watched television, ate and went to sleep. Sometimes he even showered at the station to avoid her. Marlena made a choice when she followed John upstairs tonight, now she just needed to let Roman know.
Marlena’s heels clicked along the tile as she made her way down the long, narrow, windowless, basement hallway to the evidence room and slid the door open. “Roman?” She called, but got no response. She heard noise further back and walked towards the sound. She never expected what she saw as she rounded the corner.
“F*ck, McCall, you’re so tight!” Roman said as he pistoned his dick in and out of the other woman’s body. Marlena stared in shock at the sign of her husband with Officer Taylor McCall pushed up against the wall of the evidence room, both of them partially undressed, and neither one aware that they now had someone else in the room. Taylor’s arms clung to Roman’s neck, her legs tightly clamped around his waist, and they were moving as if this was not their first time together. Marlena noted that they looked…comfortable.
“Does your wife feel this good, Brady?” Taylor panted leaning closer to Roman’s ear and licking the lobe.
“F*ck, no! She hasn’t let me touch her in months…” Roman says.
Marlena clears her throat loudly and Roman’s body instantly stops moving. Taylor looks over to see Marlena standing there and starts pushing Roman’s body away from her. She scrambles for her clothes as Roman rushes to pull his pants up from around his knees. Marlena says, so softly that Roman can barely hear her, “Roman, we need to talk. Tonight. I’ll be at home.” She turns and walks away, back down the long basement hallway and out to her car.
~ ~ ~ ~
When Marlena walked into her home twenty minutes later, she immediately called John. He answered on the first ring, “Doc?”
Marlena just started talking, the words falling from her mouth, “I went to the station…to-to talk to Roman. I found him in the evidence room…with Officer McCall…they were, uh, they were…”. Her voice dropped off as she processed what she had walked in on.
“Doc…Marlena…what happened?”
“Roman was…they were—I’m not even upset. Shocked, yes, but I’m not upset…”
“Doc, I’m so lost right now. What happened? Were you able to talk to him?”
“Well, um, the position was a bit compromising and I was uncomfortable…I told him to come home and we’d talk,” Marlena mumbled into the phone.
“…a bit compromising and uncomfort—aw, f*ck! Doc…he was…?” John was confused for a moment…and then he wasn’t. He knew exactly what Marlena had walked in on. Roman was screwing Taylor McCall in the evidence room. “Are you okay?” was all he could think to ask her.
“Surprisingly…I’m fine. A little disturbed that I was the topic of conversation while they, um, did that…” She pauses, deep in thought for a moment, remembering how Taylor ask Roman if she felt as good as his wife. “John, is it wrong to think that I’m almost relieved?” she whispers to him through the phone, cradling it close to her ear.
“Baby, you can feel whatever you feel. You taught me that. We can’t control our emotions…we control our responses. I love you so much, Doc.”
Marlena saw the lights of Roman’s car pull into their driveways and said, “John, Roman just pulled up…”
“Call me later baby…” and John hung up the phone.
Marlena took a deep breath and replaced the phone receiver to the base. She took a couple more deep breaths, because she had no idea how this was going to go. But if she was honest with herself, and if their past arguments were any indication…Roman’s little escapade with Taylor McCall would somehow end up being her fault.
Marlena was still standing by the phone when Roman entered the house. She turned to face him and they both just stared at each other for a long moment. Neither one knowing what to say to the other. They ended up speaking at the same time.
“Doc, look—”
“Roman, I’ve got—”
Another long awkward pause ensued. Finally, Marlena decided that she needed to get straight to the point. “I’m not happy Roman. I haven’t been happy. You’re not happy either—”
Roman interrupted her, “Doc! I’m sorry. You push me away constantly. We haven’t made love in months. Let’s just discuss this…I screwed up—”
“No. We both screwed up, Roman…I, um, I…slept with John tonight. I need to acknowledge that. We both did this…we’re not happy, Roman. People who are happy, people who are content…Roman, those people don’t cheat. We did.”
Roman stared at his wife, speechless for a moment and then roared, “You f*cked John tonight?”
“That’s all you heard? Really, Roman?” Marlena turned away from him trying to figure out how to continue this conversation because she could already tell the direction it was taking. She didn’t hear Roman come up behind her, but she felt it when his hand gripped her arm and he jerked her body around to face him. He was furious.
“You f*cking sl*t! You won’t f*ck me, but you’ll spread your legs for him?”
“Roman!” Marlena was shocked at the obscene way he was speaking to her and tried to shake his hand off of her arm, but his hand clenched tighter. “Roman, let go of me. You’re hurting me.”
“You think I f*cking care? For the last year I have watched you moon after him! Every time you’re in a room together. You two are like two f*cking dogs in heat and you think I haven’t noticed?” Roman screamed in her face.
~ ~ ~ ~
John’s phone rang and he rushed to answer it, thinking it might be Marlena, “Doc?”
“John? It’s Tom Horton, um, I don’t want to alarm you but I thought you might want to go over to Marlena’s and check on her. I called the police, but, she might need you—”
“I’m leaving now—” and all Tom heard after that was a dial tone. When he turned around he noticed Alice was gone…and he knew where she had gone. Tom caught up with Alice halfway across their lawn. “Alice stop!”
“No, Tom, this has gone on long enough. He’s been doing this to her for weeks and I’ve said nothing…this…I can’t do nothing!”
Tom heard Roman’s voice carrying across the lawn. “Did you f*ck him in our bed, Doc?How long has this been going on?” he roared.
Tome touched his wife’s arm and noticed the tears in her eyes. “Alice! What are we going to do? We’re in our seventies for goodness sake! We have to wait for the police…or John. I- I, um, called John,” he says sheepishly, looking away from his wife.
“You did? Oh, Tom!” Alice rushed to hug her husband. “Thank you! He’ll come…I know it. He will.”
“He hung up on me after shouting ‘I’m leaving now!’” Tom said. “He’s already on the way, darling.”
~ ~ ~ ~
John arrived at Roman and Marlena’s house in record time. As John approached on the walkway leading up to the house, he heard enough to decide that he wasn’t going to wait for the police to arrive. Marlena’s voice, ripe with fear, yelled, “Roman, stop…please! We-we need to talk…I-I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, you would never hurt me on purpose, Ro—”
“—you f*cking wh*re! How long? Have you been letting him slide his c*ck in you’re c*nt this whole time?” Roman raged as he leaned over her on the floor. Her face burned where he had punched her a moment ago and her head rang where she had hit the wall. She could barely comprehend what he was saying and was using all of the strength she had left just to stay conscious.
“Just tonight, Roman. I swear, just—”
John didn’t wait. He kicked their front door in, marched to Roman and punched him so hard in the jaw that he passed out cold on the living room floor. John rushed to Marlena, wrapping his strong arms around her and lifting her frail, limp body up into him. Tom walked into the house in time to observe the chaos, just as John called to him, “Tom, G-d, Tom! What the h*ll did he do to her?” John was frantic and had tears streaming down his face as he touched her bruising face gently. “She passed out when she saw me.”
“Here, let me see her…check Roman please…but don’t hit him again though. He’s already unconscious.”
John stalked towards Roman’s unconscious body and had to forcefully restrain himself from kicking his prone body. He checked for a pulse, felt one, and walked away from him without another thought. He leaned over the back of the couch, gently touching Marlena’s swollen cheek and telling Tom, “He’s fine. He’s not dead.”
The blare of the police sirens could be heard in the background, but all John could focus on was watching that Marlena’s chest kept rising and falling as she softly breathed.
~ ~ ~ ~
Marlena had hoped that by not pressing charges against Roman, they could move on with their lives and forget everything that had happened. She should have known that in a town like Salem, that would never work. Soon enough all was known. It started with the regular review of the security footage from the evidence room, the date on which coincided with the police report that was filed for the domestic disturbance at Detective Roman Brady’s house…the same report which included information that stated that the argument started because Detective Brady’s wife, Marlena, had admitted to her affair with John and had asked him for a divorce. So while, no charges were pressed, Roman’s police career took a dive when the men and women at the precinct realized that he cheated on his wife with officer McCall and he’d punched his wife in the face on the same night.
Roman had decided soon after, that he was going to take an assignment with the ISA and left town. He had been gone for about a month. The day he left, Marlena had begged him not to go. She argued that Sami and Eric needed their father. Roman just shook his head sadly and said, “I’m not their father. I haven’t been for eight years. As soon as I came home, as soon as they lost John as their dad…they left for Colorado and never came back. I’ve screwed up so much…but I’m not stupid, Doc.”
“You didn’t try with them Roman! They were so scared and angry…but you didn’t try. And when they wanted to stay in Colorado, I didn’t want to leave them! But you wouldn’t fight for them. Roman, please! Just stay and try to fix that relationship!”
“Doc, they can’t stand me!”
“You want life to be the way it was before Stefano took you. That’s impossible, Roman. Stop pushing them to be what you want! They can love John and you! They are allowed to do that!”
Roman looks at her in silence fore a moment and says, “But you weren’t? Right, Doc?” Marlena looks at the floor before looking back up at him. Roman’s face becomes angry again, “No! They are my children! I won’t share them, so I’m letting them go. I gotta go, Doc. The plane is ready.” And with that final sentence, Roman Brady turned around and walked out of her life.
~ ~ ~ ~
Marlena was drifting toward the dark and lonely place that had been sucking at her soul for the past year. She was lost. She missed her children horribly. She was wracked with guilt over how things had ended with Roman. Not that she had cheated, but that the aftermath had been so devastating, especially for the Brady’s. She loved John and her heart called out to him, but she worried about how it looked…she worried about that a lot, maybe too much.
John had been out of town for a few days and without his constant friendship and daily check-ins she felt herself drifting even more. The only thing holding her to sanity was a little brown haired, brown eyed boy named Brady Black. This was the third morning she woke up to his soft coos beside her. She glanced at him, smiling, and said to him, “Your daddy is going to be so mad at me! I’ve spoiled you rotten, little man, and you’ll want to sleep with him every night, huh?”
Brady pulled at her hair, trying to put his hand in her mouth and said, “Mama…”
Marlena kissed his head with a soft smile, saying, “Marlena…that is hard to say, isn’t it?”
“Mama…my mama…” Brady repeated patting her cheek with his drool covered hand.
She hugged his warm, little body to hers and breathed in the smell of baby soap and tearless shampoo, “Oh Brady Black, how much I want to be your mama.” In that moment she finally started looking forward. It was time to bring Eric and Sami home. Roman might be gone, but the twins were her children and she was going to be their mama.
~ ~ ~ ~
After feeding Brady a breakfast of instant peaches and cream oatmeal, because honestly that about all she could manage in the kitchen, Marlena called her parents house in Colorado, hoping to speak with Sami and Eric. “What do you mean they’re out? Mom, where?”
“Oh, yeah…um, they’re with a friend,” Martha replied.
“A friend? …Ok. I’d like to speak with them, could you have them call when they get home please?” Marlena asked before hanging up.
Martha hung up the phone, turned to the man beside her and said, “Okay, John. What now, smart guy?”
In that moment front door flew open and Sami and Eric raced in with all of the pent up energy of two eight year olds, closely followed by their grandfather Frank. They saw John, whom they hadn’t seen in almost five months, and stopped immediately. Eric, always the sensitive one started crying softly while standing close to Frank…and Sami – was Sami. “Daddy!” she screamed, running right into his arms and knocking him to the floor on his bum. Sami was closely followed closely by Eric, who sat on his lap and snuggled into his John’s neck, saying, “Hi, Daddy.”
John’s heart healed a little bit more and he said to the kids, “Let’s fly home and surprise your mommy okay?”
Eric seemed apprehensive, “Mommy, right? But not Mr. Patrick…right? Not him…okay? Right?”
John looked to Martha with concern. She looked to the kids and said reassuringly, “Just your mama, you two. Mr. Patrick moved a way for now. Go upstairs and pack your clothes for a trip! Aren’t you excited?”
John waited until Sami and Eric left the room, followed by Frank, who knew very well that he needed to supervise, to get an explanation from Martha about Eric’s odd behavior. She sighed deeply, “I didn’t want to tell Marlena, John…Roman was so angry when he came home. I mean, who wouldn’t be. He was imprisoned and tortured for seven years!”
“Tell Marlena? What? Something happened…something you never told Doc?” John’s skin crawled with apprehension.
“When they came for Christmas, I noticed…well it seemed like Eric was scared of Roman and Sami was angry around him. Sami wouldn’t leave Eric’s side and Marlena was so upset. She’d just returned herself a few months earlier, you know, and lost you almost immediately…only to be faced with a man who had a face she recognized, but he wasn’t the same at all.” Martha paused, wondering how to continue and decided that the best way was to get to the point and not try to sugar coat anything. “After the kids begged to stay, they started acting out. Being defiant at home, getting in trouble at school. Frank and I decided that maybe with all the turmoil, they should go to therapy…work through it. It came out in therapy, that Roman, he uh, he had hit Eric…a few times I think.”
“He hit him? And you never told Doc?” John can’t understand why Martha would never tell Marlena. “Why wouldn’t you tell her? G-d, you know she would want to know!”
“When I would speak to her on the phone…there was so much she never said. John, I know my daughter. She was unhappy, incredibly unhappy. I could feel her slipping away. The therapist said we shouldn’t force the issue of them calling Roman dad, so they reverted back to calling him Mr. Patrick…and when they say Dad or Daddy…well, then they’re talking about you. The children were safe, with me and Frank, what would telling her do in that moment?”
“Everything, Martha! Roman punched her! He cracked her cheek bone and left bruises on her from shoving her around. She had a concussion and-and it had been escalating for weeks. You could have at least told me! Maybe I could have…maybe…” John choked out, trying to keep himself from crying, but the guilt just overcame him. “If I had known…”
“We can’t change it now, honey,” Martha wrapped her arms around John, holding him tight. “Let’s just get her babies home to her and hope to G-d you can put your family back together.”
~ ~ ~ ~
John, Eric, and Sami walked towards the house, which was booming with some type of pop song. The twins had talked his ear off on the flight home. The fact that their Daddy had a plane to use was “beyond cool” according to Sami. John could tell though, that they were nervous and apprehensive about seeing their mother again. They hadn’t had enough time with her to form that bond, but they trusted John because no matter what, he was their father. On the flight home he told them stories about times he had spent with Marlena and funny things they had done. He told them about their little brother Brady and how big he had grown. He had tried with his heart and soul to get them excited about this new path they all getting ready to walk together.
John checked the door and realized it was unlocked. Glancing at the twins, he put his finger to his lips to indicate quiet, and they walked in. The music in the living room blared from the speakers as Marlena swung Brady around with her. “You’re such an amazing dancer, little man! Someday you’re going to sweep someone off their feet, just like your daddy swept me off mine!” She twirled around and came face to face with a grinning John and two smiling children, one who waved shyly and another one who screamed, “I love to dance!”
~ ~ ~ ~
Marlena found herself vomiting for the third time that day and knew she was pregnant. She hadn’t been with anyone but John in months. She hadn’t been with John since that fateful night in his loft almost three months ago. After wiping her mouth and brushing her teeth, she made a doctors appointment and left her office to take the elevator upstairs. Dr. Bader confirmed her suspicion an hour later via a phone call to her as she sat back downstairs in her office. She scheduled her next appointment and then wondered how to go about telling John.
She thought back to that night in John’s loft and a sudden vision of him with his dark head buried between her legs, with his strong arms holding her legs wide, made her moan out loud. One thing she remembered about being pregnant was that she was also, almost constantly, in a state of arousal. Her core started aching at just the thought of being with John. She could almost feel his tongue lapping over her slippery pussy lips and then his fierce sucking at her clit. She felt herself clench and realized it wouldn’t take much to make her come right now. Leaning back in her chair and spreading her legs wide, she moved the lace edged teddy aside under her skirt and touched herself, realizing she was already very wet. Taking her index finger to her clit she moaned out loud as she ran the pad of her finger back and forth softly. It felt so amazing, she moaned softly and added another finger to swirl around in her wetness. She finally ending up with three fingers pushing over her and rubbing around her clit furiously. She gasped as she started coming almost immediately.
After that massive orgasm, Marlena was surprised at herself. She had certainly never masturbated in her office before. She was still sitting at her desk, after readjusting her clothing, a while later. She had a soft smile on her face, running her hands over her belly when her intercom buzzed startling her, “Dr. Evans? You have John Black here to see you.”
“John? Okay, um, yeah…send him in,” Marlena replied while making sure she really had straightened her clothes after her little foray into office masturbation. She had no idea how to start this conversation, but she was happy. A baby. A baby with John. She smiled again realizing exactly how much she really wanted that. She wanted a family with John and it was waiting for her…she just had to reach out, wrap her fingers around it and accept what was being offered.
John walked in and immediately started talking, almost as if he was nervous. “So, um, Doc I wanted to…I wanted to ask you something. I wanted it to be romantic and fancy, but Sami insisted that it doesn’t matter and Eric said I had to do it right now…hence why I’m here in the middle of the day—” Marlena reached out with one hand and covered John’s mouth.
John took a breath before continuing and his eyes immediately shot up to Marlena’s. He knew that scent. He knew instantly what she had been doing with that hand and it had been recent…and naughty.
“John, honey, you’re rambling—ew!” Marlena pulled her hand back after John licked her fingers. His eyes had closed and he was licking his lips. Marlena felt a gush of moisture from her pussy when he finally opened his eyes and looked into hers. His pupils were blown wide and he grabbed her hand pulling it back to his nose as he inhaled deeply.
“What have you been doing with this hand, Doc?” John asked her as he stepped closer to her body.
Marlena blushed crimson, looking down at the beige carpet of her office and whispered to him harshly, “John, I’m at work.”
He turned briskly to lock her door. Walking back to her, he responded, “Oh, darling, I know you’re at work…we’ll discuss that later.” His look was pure lust as his voice dropped lower and he stepped up to her, “You don’t think you’re going to put your hand, smelling like it’s recently been swirling around in the juices of your pussy…” Marlena gasped quickly and then moaned as John continued, “…on my mouth, where I can smell it, and I can just walk away…do you? Because, let me tell you something, Doc…my body just went from zero to sixty in two seconds flat.” He reached for her hand again, wrapping his fingers around her wrist and sucking her fingers into his mouth, groaning out loud as his tongue swirled around them. He pulled them out of his mouth with an almost obscene sucking noise and asked her roughly, “Are you wet right now, Doc?”
She lifted her head looking directly into his eyes and whispered, “Yes.” John didn’t wait, he leaned down and pulled her skirt up. His fingers fumbled around until they found the lacy edge to her teddy, shoving it aside and running three fingers along the dripping seam of her pussy. He groaned so loudly that Marlena feared someone might hear them.
John pulled his hand back and stared at the glistening wetness on his fingers. He put his hand in front of her face and said to her harshly, “Lick them. Lick them now, because I want you to know how good you f*cking taste.”
Marlena’s pussy actually contracted and quivered just from John’s word. She opened her mouth, leaning towards him and wrapped her lips around his fingers sucking gently. John almost came in his pants. He frantically reached his other hand to the waistband of his pants and fumbled with his belt, unfastening them and jerking them down below his c*ck. Marlena’s hand reached for him pulling him closer to her, and stroked his length, while the moans coming from her body vibrated through his hand as she continued to lick around his wet fingers.
She was going to do this…in her office, with her secretary outside, because nothing would stop this now that it had started. Marlena pulled her mouth off of his fingers and softly ran the fingers of her other hand into John’s hair as she pulled him forward to kiss her. As soon as he tasted her pussy on her mouth, she felt her body being lifted to her desk and her undergarments being roughly shoved to the side. “You’re dripping down your thighs, baby. You must want this really bad,” John whispered in her ear as he bit the lobe.
“G-d, yes, John…” she whimpered, moving her hips over his fingers, as he continued to finger her pussy and flick at her clit roughly.
“How can you want it this bad if you just got off? Huh? Didn’t you just spread your legs at your desk and rub your pussy until you came?” John’s dirty talk combined with his rubbing of her clit was pushing her closer and closer to another climax. “What were you thinking about, Doc? Tell me…” he demanded while biting at her neck.
Marlena continued to gasp in high pitched pants and answered him, “You. I was thinking about your mouth on me…I couldn’t stop myself. My pussy was aching so bad…”
“F*ck woman!” John grabbed her hips pulling her ass to the edge of the desk and shoved his c*ck halfway inside her. “Just picturing you in that chair with your skirt around your waist and your hand buried between your legs, all wet and slippery…this is going to be hard and fast, Doc…because I can’t—”
When his c*ck finished pushing its way inside her body, already on the brink of climax, she exploded. Marlena slammed her lips onto his and practically screamed into his mouth as she started coming instantly. Her fingers pulled at his hair and scratched his scalp helplessly. The rippling and pulling of Marlena’s pussy on his c*ck drove him further. He bit at her lips and her mouth as he pounded into her relentlessly, his own climax almost immediately following hers.
Later, after John had moved their exhausted bodies to her couch, John said with a smile, “Office sex. Who knew?…I like it.”
“John! I don’t do things like this,” Marlena whispered. “I don’t do office sex!”
“Oh you did office sex, baby…and you liked it. As a matter of fact—”
Marlena cut him off laughing, “—Not today, Sailor!”
John brushed the hair from Marlena’s face and kissed her gently, “So the reason for my visit was derailed by the intoxicating scent on your fingers earlier, but now that we’ve come back to Earth…Sami and Eric are waiting at the pub for your answer.”
Marlena hummed in that way she did sometimes when she was happy, running her nose along his neck under his chin. “Answer to what?”
“We want to know if you’ll marry us?”
“Marry us?” she asked.
John pulled her chin up to look at her and said, “Yeah, Doc. Me, Eric, and Sami…oh, and Brady…will you marry us and be a family with us?”
Still staring into his eyes, her breath gently wafting over his lips, Marlena replied, “I will…I will definitely marry you and be a family with you…forever…” She leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips, “…you might want to also know, I found out today…I’m pregnant.”
The Jarlena Journal 