Water pellets wounded her skin, the drumming of liquid streaming down the foggy glass shower doors. Her fragile body rocked back and forth, the oppressive hum of the shower wrestling in her ears. Glaring at the wall, she winced everytime the warm water touched her face. Wrapping her arms around her knee’s, she continued to rock slowly but evenly, ignoring the bruises that covered her once porcelain body. The blood that was still not dry ran with the clear liquid, turning the bottom of the shower a pasty pink. Water fell into her mouth as her gasps permeated the small shower.
She never heard the bathroom door open. The heavy footsteps of her husband’s leather cowboy boots never registered in her mind as her stare remained fixed on the small crack in the shower wall … he was supposed to fix that crack. Or call someone to fix it. It had been a simple mistake. A fling in the shower had resulted in a crack in the white tile that layered the walls. They had gotten carried away, almost going as far as breaking down the doors that lined the shower. But the incident had resulted in laughter. But she was not laughing anymore. All the crack symbolized was the crease in her life. The small little part that needed repair.
“Marlena?”
John Black stood in the doorway, not able to see his wife, only hearing the small gasps that she let loose every few seconds. The doors had been steamed to perfection … John had wanted them like that for all his early morning love sessions with Marlena. Hidden away from the rest of the world, the only thing mattering was their love and devotion towards each other. But now he had almost wished that he had chosen the other option. The option that would allow him to see his wife without feeling as if he was prying.
Stepping closer to the shower, he cracked open the door, startled to see the scene that lay before him. His wife, the immaculate Doctor who prided herself on being prim, proper, and always beautiful was curled up in the corner of the shower. She sat there naked but it was more than her body that was bare. It was her soul. Her eyes seemed hollow as she gazed at the wall with such determination. Never once did she move. Never once did she falter.
Ignoring the falling rain from the nozzle, John kneeled into the shower, reaching towards Marlena. His hand on skin didn’t cause a reaction for a moment. It was almost as if he was invisible, as if he was not beside her right then. She continued to rock herself, her lips dried with crimson blood that seemed to color her whole body in that moment.
Wobbling through the shower, he took a step closer to her, his hand now reaching out to touch her battered skin. She turned her head only slightly, staring at him as if he were a stranger. Her eyes looked him over as her tears seeped endlessly down her cheeks. Turning her head once more, Marlena gazed back at the same crack which had held her attention for the past hour.
“Get off of me,” she muttered, her rocking continuous.
Not understanding her, John tightened his grip on Marlena as she flinched, her voice escalating.
“Get off of me!” she screamed, jumping from his touch. “Go away! Leave me alone!”
She curled up in the fetal position in the corner of the shower, her body covered with small fleshy goosebumps. It was then she turned her head to look at him. Tears oozed down her battered face, her lips parted in obvious pain. Her vibrant amber eyes were stone and hollow. Her body shivered as the hot water turned tepid and then cold.
John, afraid to touch her after her sudden outburst, said her name softly, making sure as not to touch her. “Marlena?”
She stared at him, her teeth chattering. Through a black eye and a cut lip, she gazed at him so deeply, trying as hard as she could to talk. “John,” she said softly. “John … John … John …”
She kept repeating his name, her breathing deep and panting, her entire body shaking vibrantly.
“He’s going to hurt me,” she mumbled, unable to speak, barely able to breathe. “He … he is coming. Make him stop, John. Make him stop.”
Her hands lifted up towards her eyes, trying to hide from the monsters that lived within her mind at the moment. John, unable to speak by his wife’s sudden behavior, kneeled there and watched wanting nothing more than to hold her, to say something that would ease her worried mind.
“Marlena, make who stop? Honey, what happened! Who did this?” he pleaded.
Never breaking eye contact with John, she stared at him, her tears falling faster than ever before. Sitting still for only a moment, she closed her eyes as a scream escaped her lips vibrating off of the walls in the bathroom. Trying to climb the wall, almost as if someone was after her, John pulled her down and into his arms.
Holding her tightly, she tried to wither out of his control as he leaned down, his lips against her ear.
“Baby, it’s me. It’s John … I’m not going to hurt you sweetheart. I am not going to do anything. I just want to hold you. Will you allow me to hold you, Marlena?” he asked cautiously.
She looked up at him, her eyes dilated and petrified. Nodding her head softly, she curled up in John’s arms, allowing him to soothe her shattered body. The water still beat down upon them, neither of them even noticing at this point. The cold liquid was no longer there … it was only them. Her with her fears, and him with his need and desire to console his beautiful wife.
She buried her head into his soaked shirt, her sobs wracking her body as she shook violently. Kissing her softly on the head, he cradled her in his arms, his breath hot against her shriveled skin.
“Baby, tell me what happened. Who did this to you?” he soothed. “Honey, please talk to me.”
Closing her eyes, the visions began to flood her memory. The creaking of the door opening behind her, the fleshy cold hands on her bare shouldered skin. The sting of his ring as he slapped her so hard it caused a bruise on her cheek. His throwing her on the ground and taking away her pureness, her innocence, her love of the life she had lived for almost forty-seven years. Fearful of her own mind, she screamed, her eyes open wide as she stared at John once more, gripping onto his wet shirt.
“I … I was running late for a meeting,” she whispered, her voice cracking with every soft word she spoke. “I had no patients lined up and so … so I was just taking my time this morning. I had just stepped outside to wait for the elevator and I realized I forgot … I realized I forgot my notes for the meeting and so I ran upstairs. I am so stupid, John,” she cried. “I left the door open just so I could run upstairs and he came in. He … he slammed the door and it scared me so … I … I thought maybe it was you. Maybe you had come back from the office to surprise me or something. But I felt his hand on my skin. His hand was so cold, John,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “I turned around carefully and his eyes … John, his eyes were so bitter. They were blue, like yours, but there was no warmth. He had this look in his eyes like …”
Unable to continue, she began to cry harder as she curled up tighter within John’s comforting hold. Wrapping his arms protectively over her bare body, he continued to soothe her, holding her as tight as his grasp would allow him.
“Marlena, who did this to you? Did he …” Unsure of how to continue, he inhaled deeply, coming right out with it. “Marlena, did he rape you?”
Hesitating at first, she hid her face from John’s, ashamed of all that had happened within the past hours. Nodding her head slowly, she began to cry only harder. Closing his eyes in sheer disbelief and sorrow for his beloved wife, he kissed her forehead. His lips tenderly brushed the open cut on her head as he asked her once again the question that kept running through his mind.
“Doc, who did this? You have to tell me, Marlena. Tell me who did this to you.”
She didn’t look up to face him, only continued to talk, her voice muffled as her lips rested placidly among his shirt.
“I was flattered at first,” she said, her voice minute and scared. “He would stop me in the hallway on my way to work telling me I was beautiful. He would pass by me in the lobby and tell me that I smelled great or that my outfit was extremely flattering. He was young … it made me feel as if I was still good-looking. If someone his age found me attractive then I knew I was still good enough for you. I led him on, John,” Marlena sobbed. “I smiled when he complimented me. Maybe I even flirted with him because of his age. I deserved it, John. He … he did this because I led him on. How could I be so stupid?” she cried, the tears flowing endlessly down her rosy cheeks.
Turning her face gently towards his own, he held her face tightly within his hands, his eyes locked onto hers. “Marlena, listen to me,” he said firmly. “This is not your fault. You didn’t ask for this. Who did this, baby? Who hurt you?”
“He seemed so nice, you know?” Marlena responded, softly. “He … he just always wanted to talk, to have some type of conversation. When he … when I saw him in the room at first, I thought maybe he was kidding around. He was such a joker … he always made jokes. He reminded me a lot of you. Of Brady as well. I should have known, John. I should have known.”
Folding the hair behind her ear, John leaned down kissing the tip of her lobe. “Doc, was it … did Andrew do this? Did he … did he rape you, Marlena?”
“It was my fault,” she repeated. She scrambled out of his embrace slowly, heading towards the wall as if a magnet was pulling her. Her arms wrapped around her knees once more as she began to rock, staring into the crack that had taken hold of her view for most of the night. “I led him on, John. How was I so stupid? How could I have done this? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?” she sobbed.
John, realizing for the first time since he had gotten in there, that the shower was still on, stood up and quickly turned the nozzle, the water abruptly stopping. Scooping Marlena up, he took a towel that was lying on the floor and wrapped her shivering body inside. Cradling her within his muscular arms, he carried her out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. Placing her carefully on the bed, John turned up the thermostat, climbing onto the bed with her. She held out her hand for him and he took it gently, rubbing his thumb over her hand.
“Honey, I want you to listen to me. Okay? Can you listen to me?”
Nodding her head, she looked up at him, almost as if she was a small child. As if she had just done something wrong and she had to pay her penance. But she wasn’t young. Not on the outside anyway. But inside … inside she was now the girl who still lived inside her mother’s womb … afraid to travel further into the light, afraid to move.
“This is not your fault! He took advantage of you. He broke into this house, he came in uninvited, and he … he raped you, Marlena! You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t lead him on. All you did was be yourself. That isn’t a crime, Doc. I need to call the police, Marlena …”
John reached over Marlena to grab the phone when her hand stopped him.
“No!” she said softly, but firmly. Her voice was solid and unwavering, her eyes glazed over from all the tears that she had cried. “You can’t call them, John. They’re going to blame me! Please, please don’t do this to me,” she cried.
“Then I am taking you to the hospital …”
Inhaling deeply, Marlena took his hand. “I’m scared,” she whispered, running her finger along his hand, “I’m so scared, John. Please don’t take me … not now,” she said softly. “I just need you to hold me, I need to know that you are here.”
Clutching onto her body, John held her, holding her as tight as his arms would allow him. For the first time since finding Marlena, the shock began to wear off and the anger began to surface. He had never liked Andrew … never liked the way he looked at Marlena. John had pushed it aside thinking it was jealously. He never liked when anyone looked at Marlena with interest, especially men the age of his son. But it wasn’t jealously in the end, it was intuition … and the price was his wife’s purity.
Snapping back into reality, his wife’s breathing caught his attention. It was steady once more, almost as if nothing had happened. As if it was all some nightmare and she was back asleep in a world filled with fairy Godmother’s and a magical love. Gently untangling himself from her arms, he stood up and stretched looking down at her. She looked so battered, so alone … fury rose in his chest once again as he stepped out of the room.
Lightly closing the door, he fell back against it, his hands rubbing over his eyes. His breathing intensified as the warm salty tears began to fall down his face. It was his time to let loose now … she was no longer with him, no longer needing him to stay strong. Beating himself up mentally, he began to cry harder, wishing with everything in his power he could have stopped home in that moment. Been there to save her. His role as her knight in shining armor was depleted in his mind … the time in which she needed saving the most, he was gone.
Not realizing the front door had been open and closed and ignoring the footsteps that he heard on the staircase, John continued to cry. Visions of Marlena in that moment ran through his mind. How scared she must have been … how much she had needed him in that moment.
“I’m such a fucking failure as a husband,” John muttered, rubbing his hand hard against his forehead.
“Why? Couldn’t please Mom?” Brady teased.
Unaware of the current situation, Brady leaned up against the wall across from his father, a smile permeating his handsome face. Noticing the dull reaction of his father, he took a step across the hall so he was in front of his father. Leaning down, Brady noticed the marks of water that sat upon John’s knee. Realizing he was crying, Brady stepped back once more.
“I … I’m sorry Dad. I didn’t know you were this upset. What’s the matter?”
Replaying the statement that John had voiced in his mind, Brady’s eye’s widened. “It’s Mom, isn’t it …” he said softly. “Is she okay? What happened?”
Hearing nothing from John, Brady moved closer to his father. “Dad, answer me!” Brady yelled. “What the hell happened to Marlena?”
“Brady, calm down,” John said, his voice monotone as he looked up at his son. “Marlena is asleep. She just …” Inhaling deeply and slowly exhaling, John looked into the eye’s he shared with his son. There was so much written on his face. Angst, fear, curiosity. Knowing he had a right to know, he patted the spot next to him for Brady to sit. Obliging his father’s command, he sat, his hands folding together as he sat nervously.
“Marlena was raped tonight, Brady … she … um … Andrew from next door, he came in here and …”
“I’m going to kill that son of a bitch!” Brady screamed, standing up.
“Brady, no!” John said decisively. “That will not solve anything, let alone help Marlena.”
“How the hell are you calm?” Brady yelled, pacing the small hallway, wringing his hands together in frustration. “That bastard comes into your home and … and does this to your wife! Why aren’t you doing anything? Why are you just sitting here feeling sorry for yourself? You weren’t the one stripped of pride and dignity!”
“Maybe not,” John replied, quietly. “But what is there for me to do, Brady? I’m just as scared as she is … I let her down, son. I couldn’t protect her and for that I am a failure. I prided myself on being an amazing husband. I have screwed up once in a while. I won’t deny that and I never have. I would never hurt her intentionally though and despite my mistakes, the one thing I was good at was protecting her. The one thing and I can’t even do that right!”
Beginning to cry again, Brady sat down, pulling his father into a hug. The man who had been his hero for twenty years was falling apart before his eyes. He had never seen him like this before … never so close to the edge, never so close to breaking. It was the first time he had ever truly seen his father cry. After all these years, it was the moment Brady realized that his father wasn’t just the hero he was made out to be … he was a human being.
“I’m sorry,” Brady whispered. “For a second, I almost forgot you were human, you know? I grew up knowing you as the man who knew how to save everyone. Whether it was Marlena or Hope or Roman or Belle and I or even an entire plane to Europe, you were just everyone’s savior. But even hero’s mess up, Dad. Superman was never able to save everyone nor was Batman.”
“They were fictional, Brade,” John said quietly.
“And you are human, dad,” Brady replied, gently. “You didn’t fail her. You and I know that and so does Marlena. You know I was with Chloe earlier and we were reading all these quotes that we found on a concrete wall. There was this one that stayed in my mind and I didn’t know why until now. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just memory. But the quote was ‘The sun’s going to shine and the rain is going to fall and in the end you may get burnt or wet, but that is life. So dance in the puddles and bathe in the sun and at the end of the day, smile. Everything is going to be all right.”
Taking his father’s hand in his own, Brady squeezed it tightly. “I know it looks bad now. I know it seems like this ordeal is never going to end, but it will, you know why?”
“Why?” John asked amazed at his son’s mentality. He had never known Brady to be like this … never so philosophical, so caring for his stepmother. He had never seen so much adoration and love in his eyes as he did in that moment.
“Because as a family, the four of us can make it through anything. You told Belle that when Shawn broke her heart and I realized how true it was. Think back to last year. I was rude, I was disrespectful and in all honesty, I was a bastard. Your relationship with Marlena was about to crash and things seemed as if they would be that bleak forever. I prided myself in being a miserable asshole. I enjoyed causing this family pain … well look at how much has changed. Marlena and I get along beautifully, the two of you just renewed your vows and as a family, we made it through. The love, the devotion, and the strength the four of us hold within our palm is sacred. Not many people could have made it through all we have but we did. Together we will deal with this and together we will make it through.”
Both lost in the conversation, neither of them had heard the bedroom door open. Marlena stood there, tears streaming down her cheeks as she gripped onto the doorframe. Walking out into the corridor, she knelt down beside Brady, stroking her hand along his cheek. Without a word, he wrapped his arms tightly around her neck. Ignoring the pain that shot through her body, Marlena held him with everything inside of her. Releasing herself from the hug, Marlena sat down next to John, wiping the tears from her eyes.
“I heard what you said, Brady … and you are right. I won’t deny that I am petrified. I won’t lie and say that when I close my eyes I don’t see him … but I have the both of you in my life.” Turning to John, she smiled weakly through her tears. “Honey, you will always be my knight in shining armor. I do not blame you for this and I need you to stop blaming yourself for I have come to realize that it is no one’s fault but Andrew’s. I have no doubt in my mind that the two of you will keep me safe. You are *both* my heroes and I love you.”
“How is it that you are so strong?” Brady asked in disbelief.
Shrugging her shoulders, Marlena placed her hand within John’s, smiling at her son. “As you said, sometimes at the end of the day you just need to smile. What happened to me was the worst thing I have ever experienced and it will probably reign in my mind everytime I sleep, everytime I breathe. Don’t let me fool you. I am so very scared. But I am not alone … you both are nothing short of my everything. And because of that I know … I know you will always be here.”
“That we will,” John whispered, his lips laid gently across her neck.
Turning to Brady, John held his hand tightly. “Give Marlena and I a minute alone, all right?”
Nodding his head, Brady smiled as he leaned into Marlena. Bringing his lips up to her ear, his voice was soft as his hot breath tickled her lobe. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, baby.”
Kissing her forehead, Brady stood up and walked towards the staircase. About to step down, he turned back once more and smiled. Marlena’s hand was caressing John’s cheek as his lips still remained upon her neck. Her other hand remained in his as they both sat there in silence for a moment. Brady turned around and walked down the steps. Making it off the last step, he leaned back against the wall, staring outside and into the sky.
“Make her be all right … please …”
**
Back upstairs, neither John nor Marlena had moved. Silence saturated the air, until finally it was John who spoke, his eyes gazing past Marlena’s eyes and into her tortured soul.
“I love you more than I have ever loved anybody before. You know that right?”
Smiling, Marlena nodded, running her hand along his cheek. “I know,” she whispered. “You know when all of this was happening tonight … when I felt like I was going to die of shame, of pain, of guilt, there was only one thing that ran through my mind. It was this line that was written in my high school yearbook something along the lines of … ‘When everything is dark, a light will shine your way …’ I felt like my life was coming to an end and then the harder I closed my eyes, the longer I kept them shut, I saw you … you were my light, John. You kept me away from the dark … and I thank you so much for that,” she mouthed, tears creeping into her eyes. “I love you sweetheart … I love you.”
**
“Mr. Whitman, how do you plead to these charges?”
Andrew Whitman looked across the room at Marlena, his eyes ridden with shame. Glancing back up at the judge, he hung his head, looking down at his freshly polished Armani loafers. “Guilty your honor,” he said softly.
“I herby sentence you to ten years in jail, no chance of parole,” the judge responded, her voice monotone as she banged her gavel against her post.
Marlena stood up, her black suit fitted perfectly on her body. She looked immaculate in that moment … as pure and innocent as she always had. The wounds had healed and the spark that ignited her amber eyes had returned. She was no longer the victim … she had found her justice.
“Your honor, would you mind if I said something?”
“No, I guess not. Proceed Dr. Evans.”
Marlena walked to the front of the room. Memories of middle school came flooding back to her. The moments where she had dreaded the oral report she was supposed to give or was to afraid to speak up on her point of view. But times had changed and so had she from all those years ago. She was no longer afraid. The worst was over and in a few minutes, it would all be forgotten … as much as her mind and heart would allow.
Clearing her throat, Marlena stood tall in front of everyone, her eyes focused on Andrew.
“About six months ago, I was forced to face a situation no woman should ever face. I was raped by someone who I thought I could trust. I did not know Andrew Whitman very well but I knew him enough to know that I liked him and that I trusted him. He reminded me a lot of my husband and youngest son, so much so that I let myself believe that I truly knew him. However I did not. He came into my home and he forced himself on top of me, taking away a piece of innocence that I still carried with me. I am not a saint. I will not claim to be one. But I have prided myself on doing what is right for others and always believing that there is good in everyone. But maybe I was wrong. When Andrew had gone and left me there, I managed to climb into my shower where I stayed for almost three hours. I did not feel the water. I did not feel anything. All I could do was think … think about how I had done this to myself. How maybe I led him on everytime I thanked him for a compliment. Or maybe I flirted everytime that I returned a smile. When my husband found out, he blamed himself. How could he not have protected me? How could he let this happen? When my youngest daughter found out, she could do nothing but cry. She was afraid her mother would never be the same person who she once was. And when my son found out, he is the one who we listened to. He told us that as long as we stuck by each other, as long as we believed in one another, then nothing could hurt us. And he was right. We lived through months of pain but we fought. And today, I stand here and my daughter was right as well. I am no longer the woman who I once was. I am stronger. I am no longer afraid to fight because I know I have my family who would do anything in their power to keep me safe.”
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Marlena smiled at her family. Looking once more towards Andrew, the smile never ceased on her beautiful face.
“Andrew, I am not God. I don’t know if he will forgive you for the sins you have created and the injustice you have caused. But I forgive you because in all honesty, I pity you. That night you came into my house and raped me, you might have thought you were taking away the perfection that my life held. But in the end, it is your life that you have taken away. You have no family, you have no friends, and for the next ten years you will have a life that will be led in a cell with no contact with the outside world. You might have caused me a few bumps and bruises and maybe even my dignity for a moment in time, but you have not won. I will admit that I was down. I was to afraid to stand but I did and you are no longer a threat to me, Mr. Whitman. So in conclusion, I will not list this experience as one of the best in my life. But I will always give thanks to know that despite the circumstances, I was able to get through it thanks to my family. Thank you.”
Marlena walked back to her seat, sitting down as she watched Andrew leave the room, led by two officers. Looking sadly at him, she turned to face her family, smiling at them.
“I just want to thank you all … for sticking by me and for loving me, through it all. I love you,” she whispered.
“We love you too, Mom,” Belle smiled, kissing her mother’s cheek.
Standing up, John took Marlena’s hand as the four of them walked out of the courtroom and into the soft June air. The sun was high in the deep azure sky, the birds chirped gleefully above, and the summer winds gently swept past them. Turning to Marlena, John stroked his hand against her cheek.
“I am so proud of you, baby,” John said heartily. “I love you.”
“I’m proud of you too,” she grinned. “Now what do you say we try and put this all behind us and get some lunch because I am starving!” she exclaimed. Her eyes gleaming and mischievous, she let go of his hand. “I’ll race you to the car,” she yelled, taking off.
Shaking his head and laughing John took off after her speeding past his two children.
Brady laughed, wrapping his arm around his sister’s waist. “Looks like she is back to herself,” Brady teased. “It’s nice to see that she has it all together again, you know?”
Belle looked up at her brother, smiling lightly. “It’s not that she has it all together, Brady,” she said softly. “It’s just that together, we have it all …”
The Jarlena Journal 