Ever since that fateful New Year’s Eve, all their lives were thrown in turmoil and walls of ice erected around their many wounded hearts. Each member of the Brady and Black families trapped in the pain of untimely grief, lost in frustrated helpless anger, each with their own questions that went unanswered, each with the need to talk it out, yet unable to find the strength within. And none more than John and Marlena, who had been round and round about so many things that were ostensibly irrelevant. They were avoiding the inevitable, but on this cold mid-January night it was about to come to an explosive confrontation.
There was something going on with John… he was nervous, on edge much of the time, as if he were hiding something, as if he were feeling guilty. Her astutely observant mind knew what it must be, even as her heart denied the brutal truth of his infidelity. Marlena felt trapped in her professional ethics, bound by duty, protected by nothing, loved by a terrible liar. She was imprisoned by her pain, and the undeniable love she still felt for that man; essentially feeling the same as if she were under lock and key. And, she believed John was as well. ‘Well, at least he’s suffering too…’ she said to herself as she rose from the couch. He was standing by the doors to the terrace, staring out into the darkness with a dazed expression on his face, apparently lost in silent contemplation yet again.
With a heavy sigh, she stood a few feet away and made an announcement of sorts, “John… I don’t want to do this anymore. Something is obviously bothering you… and if you won’t talk about it, I’m just going to leave you to it… Goodnight…”
“Doc.. don’t do that… don’t walk away…” he said, turning to face her, grasping her forearm, his eyes slightly hidden as he spoke to her in pleading tones. He couldn’t bear to look at her like he used to…the guilt was eating him alive and if he gazed deeply into those amazing hazel eyes he so adored, she was sure to see the truth of what he’d done.
“I’m sorry, John… but I’m tired…I’m so tired of all of this… now, please… let go of my arm,” she demanded, staring down at the hand that could bring her such pleasure when he touched her in tender intimacy. Now, she could barely stand to look at that hand.. knowing, yet not knowing…he had touched another, during a time when she thought he had perished in the sea, when she cried and began to mourn for him.
She didn’t say it, but he heard the unspoken words…as she tugged her arm away from him. ‘I’m so tired of you, John…’ There was no more doubt about it… Marlena had to know… something.. maybe not the gory details, but she definitely suspected what had happened between he and Hope… Watching her climb the stairs he heard that nagging voice inside his head…’So, why don’t you go tell her, John… you’re going to lose her if you don’t, you know…’
It had to be bad if you started answering yourself, didn’t it?’ he was thinking as he did just that. ‘Yea… I know… she’s upset..and I could lose her… but if I tell her… it’s going to hurt her so much… I don’t know….if I have the strength to look her in the eye and tell her I betrayed her with Hope..’
Marlena was lying in bed, pulling her robe around her chilled body.. the nights had grown colder of late, the chill in the air symbolic of what was happening between she and her husband of only six months. Unbelievably she found herself almost praying that he didn’t come upstairs and want to be with her sexually. The thought of it almost made her ill… How could it have all gone so terribly wrong? Last summer they were in heavenly bliss, craving each other, stealing away every chance they got to make torrid love… But now, she was avoiding him and he was clinging to her desperately, almost smothering her with his desperate passion… But, it wasn’t based on a foundation of their abiding love, John’s heart and soul were ruled by guilt and fear, and she could feel it every time he touched her.
That little voice was becoming more insistent, harder to ignore… ‘She won’t say it, but she doesn’t even *want* you anymore, John. She goes to bed early, she gets up and goes to work early every morning, and stays late. Face it, Marlena makes every excuse she can *not* to be around you lately.. ‘ he was saying to himself, as he sighed wearily and stared out at the starry sky above, wishing it all away… trying to convince himself it was just a bad dream and that it never really happened. It was a fool’s game he was playing, a game he was bound to lose, if he didn’t come clean sooner or later.
As he considered his dismal options, he heard the words of his best friend echoing inside his mind… “Can’t you see it… you’re losing her already, and if you don’t do something soon, she’s going to leave you alone with your guilt. Will that keep you warm at night, John… or did you just want to take the easy way out?”
“What are you talking about Abe?” John remembered saying in response to the only one with whom he’d been completely honest.
“You’re afraid to tell her because you think she’s going to reject you outright, and this way… you don’t have to face it … you can just let the marriage disintegrate… and wallow in your misery.”
Thinking back over the years, Marlena had to admit to herself that at times it seemed the pain he brought into her life far outweighed the joy she felt in loving him, in giving herself to him, body and soul. There had been a parade of women… then Roman’s return… and finally, when she thought they would have their happily ever after, that dream had been shattered another time, by yet another aspect of John’s unremembered past. ‘Oh, John… I don’t know if we can make it through this… I wish you could come to me and tell me… what’s upsetting you so… I wish you could trust in what we have… I’m afraid that if you don’t, there won’t be anything left of our love to salvage when this is over….’
“Marlena… are you going to leave him… or are you going to confront him with what you suspect… If what you say happened, he’s probably… scared and pretty confused.. You said you believed him when he said he didn’t remember anything after he was found. Maybe it was some strange personality change like what happened to Hope. Maybe he’s not completely to blame for what happened. You have to admit… he was *so* in love with you… I can’t really believe that he would willingly betray you two days after you were married.. and then lie about it and just go on with the marriage as if nothing had ever happened.”
Thank God for the voice of reason… Maggie Horton, a long time friend, who had seen her through some very rough times. With her insides trembling, Marlena admitted that much, “Oh, I know you’re right… I know he wouldn’t.. but he’s lying to me now. I know he is.. and I wouldn’t have believed that either, Maggie… it’s not like John to keep something so important from me… Why won’t he come to me? If our love is as strong as we both say it is… we should be able to work through this.. together.. Why can’t he trust in that?”
Next it was the voice of the Priest… he hadn’t confessed the sin, but he’d spoken of his dilemma about a terribly burdensome secret… “John… this isn’t like you… you know better than to lie, to cover up the truth…You’re running scared, afraid to face the pain that often comes with life. Didn’t you learn anything from what happened with Kristen.. from how she died? John.. you’re headed down that same path, unless you change it, and soon. Go to your wife, tell her the truth, and take your chances!”
It was so painful to confront it in all its bitter detail… His reflection staring back him, guilt ridden and heartsick… He’d shared his body with another woman while on his honeymoon. It was unthinkable… unbelievable and yet, it wasn’t really him… He didn’t have sex with Hope or Gina, whoever the hell she was at the time, knowingly or willingly. He had no idea of what he was doing and only remembered it months later. Maybe, Abe and the Priest were right.. maybe Marlena *could* forgive him… maybe there was some hope, if he told her the truth… before she found out some other way, from someone else.
There was a knock at the door and John slowly padded toward the alarm, glad for a brief respite from the excruciating self-analysis. He opened the door to see the concerned face of his best friend, who wasted no time on trivial pleasantries, saying somewhat animatedly, as he stepped across the threshold, “John… hey, I’m sorry to come over here so late like this, but I thought you should know. It’s about Hope…it’s just like we thought.. she’s alive.. and she’s on her way home to Salem.” Lowering his voice strategically, he added what he knew would plunge John even further into dark despair, ” And John… I don’t know quite how to tell you this… so I’ll just say it… she’s.. pregnant, John.”
He fell backward, totally stunned, landing on his rear end at the base of the staircase. “Oh, God! No…no, that can’t be, Abe!” he finally managed to speak out, his voice thick with horrified emotion.
Abe hated to be the one to play this role… the pain his best friend was feeling tantamount to being told by God that he had to report to hell immediately. “I’m sorry buddy, but it is… Hope is.. several months pregnant… ”
John was shaking his head in utter disbelief, his mind spinning wildly out of control. “No… oh, God no..” he cried out in a ragged whisper. He turned at the sound of another, somewhat louder anguished cry, one that pierced him to the very core of his being…
It was clear from the agony in her face that Marlena had overheard Abe… Tears sprang to her eyes and began to make a cascading waterfall as she realized that all her suspicions had been true, that John did have sex with Hope during that awful time when she thought he was dead…. She was shaking her head, her trembling hands covering her mouth, not saying a word, as John struggled valiantly for something to say, anything to make it not so gut wrenchingly painful to endure, but there were no words for a time like this, for the agony she was feeling. He whispered only her name, knowing there would be no reply, “Doc..”
And the lyrics he’d heard so recently came back to haunt him… her crying eyes saying all she couldn’t express verbally. She shook her head once more and slowly turned away from the two men, then raced up the remaining stairs, slamming the door behind her as she reached the safe haven of her bedroom. Flinging herself on the bed, she fell apart, sobbing uncontrollably. She said nothing out loud, but the words echoed inside her mind.. ‘It’s over… it’s over… it’s over now…’
John slumped involuntarily against the wall, his knees buckled and his body slid down the length of it as if in slow motion, and when it stopped, he buried his sorry aching head in his hands and wept. Lamenting every foolish choice he’d made since the moment he started having memory flashes again, he let out a cry of self- reproach. “Oh, God… what have I done?”
Part 2
After seemingly interminable minutes of languishing there in a sitting position against the wall, his knees bent with his head in his hands, the pain increasing, John made the effort to stand, but found there was no strength left inside. Then two arms gave him that strength and he was standing before he knew it. He looked up and offered a shame filled expression of thanks to his best friend, who said nothing but whose entire body sent the message, ‘I’m so sorry… and I better go and let you two work this out…’ John nodded his understanding, and walked his buddy to the door. When it was closed and he was alone, he leaned against for but another minute before going to face what in his mind he knew was an inevitable confrontation with some bizarre reality in which he found himself since the first moments of the new millenium. ‘Happy New Year…’ he said sarcastically inside his mind. It looked to be the worst one of his life.
With energy he didn’t have, he dragged himself away and headed toward the stairs, thankful that both the kids weren’t home, off staying with friends. They shouldn’t have to deal with something like this… no one should and especially not Doc… ‘Oh, Doc…what am I gonna say to you….’ The closer her got to the bedroom, the more clearly he could hear her cries, the more he felt his heart break for what lay ahead, to tell her the details which she would not want to hear but would undoubtedly demand he recount.
When he reached the bedroom, his hand lingered on the knob and memories of their love flashed by like a slide show. He remembered carrying her through that door, her eyes filled with the anticipation of their special body bliss…filled with adoration, filled with desire for him… but now those hazel eyes he so admired were clouded with the bitter tears of betrayal
She heard him approaching and despite the excruciating pain she felt at what she’d just learned, she courageously turned to look at him. A stream of moisture flowed down over her red cheeks, as she gazed into blue eyes that were teeming with overpowering guilt, and unshed tears. No words were spoken, for no words were needed…..
For a second he thought she might listen, might try to understand, might give him cause for hope, but in another all seemed lost as she turned away, her body trembling with the depth of emotion coursing throughout her system. She kept reviewing the scenes in her mind, how he said he remembered nothing about what happened when he was missing, how they just went on with their lives after he was found and recovered from his wounds. It was almost like it never happened…
And then suddenly, she was doing therapy with Hope… and she was making comments indicating there was so much more to the story than John let on, that something had happened between the two of them, something sordid. She recalled all the times he sensed her turmoil and she wanted to let him know what Hope had intimated in session, but duty bound her not to say a word to him… so, she hinted, but there was nothing to indicate that he recalled anything about the incident. Not until New Year’s Eve…and the confrontation that led to the death of the person they now knew was Gina.
John acted strangely that evening and ever since then he’d been sneaking around, prying for details of those session, hiding the truth. She remembered all those times he denied that there was something he needed to tell her…. how he couldn’t quite look her in the eye since the night of the wedding, how he was so emotional, and seemed on the verge of revealing himself, then stopped short, as if afraid of what would follow. Now, she knew what it all meant. He was seeking external verification of what his recaptured memories were telling him. Knowing the reason made no difference in how it felt to be on the receiving end of all those unspoken truths, which had such dire consequences.
John approached her from behind, tried to put his hands on her shoulders, but she shrugged out of his light grasp and put a few steps distance between them. The silence that fell over them was deafening and he couldn’t bear it; they had always been able to talk. “Doc… please…”
She whirled around to face him, “Please what… ”
Her eyes were cold as ice and full of fire, all at the same time…and he was struck speechless… what could he say…. What could he possibly say that would make her understand what was incomprehensible, that would make things right, that would take away the agony he had caused her, would cause her?
John swallowed hard and took a deep breath before making an attempt at explaining what he knew. “Marlena….will you… listen to me?”
“John… I tried… over and over again, to get you to open up to me…to tell me what you were struggling with… I knew that you had remembered something and it was upsetting you terribly, but you turned me down… you made excuses and you hid the truth.. No, you LIED to me!”
“Doc.. I wanted to talk to you… but it was so… confusing… I didn’t.. understand it… and I didn’t…want to.. hurt you…I couldn’t tell you… until I knew for sure… ”
She was shaking her head, her mind swirling with unspoken thoughts, things she didn’t have the fortitude to say in this horrid unimaginable moment of confrontation with the ugly truth of those missing hours she’d spent in terror. “Well, now we both know, don’t we?” she said sadly, closing her sore red eyes, wishing she could banish the images that wanted to enter her mind, images of another woman’s arms around him, her lips and hands touching the places vowed to be his wife’s alone… In the next, she stared at him very briefly and said with little emotion in her voice, “John, I want you to leave… tonight.”
It couldn’t be happening so quickly, and he hoped to change her mind, “No… no, Doc.. please…don’t send me away…. let me try to.. explain it.. ”
She exploded on him and there was no place to dive for cover, so he stood there and endured it, cognizant that he deserved so much more. “Explain it? What… now you want me to have all the gory details… when half an hour ago.. I practically begged you to tell me what was bothering you… I don’t *think* so! I know enough.. Hope is PREGNANT and odds are it’s YOUR CHILD! Now I said, get out!” she finished through clenched teeth, pointing toward the bedroom door, her breathing ragged with the effort it took to even stand there and look at him.
He dug his heels in…suddenly stubborn, “No… I’m not leaving! Not like this!”
“Fine, then I will,” she said with deceptive calm, heading swiftly toward the closet for a suitcase. “I’m going to Alice Horton’s. This has to be pretty difficult for her and she’ll need someone tonight.”
He grabbed her forearm to turn her back to him, speaking forcefully, “Don’t do this, Doc… we have a lot to talk about.”
She wrenched her arm away from him, nearly disgusted by his mere touch, “No, John… we did.. we did have a lot to talk about. But now…. there’s nothing you can say that I want to hear and I have *nothing* to say to you!
Now, he was pleading, all the bluster gone… This amazing beautiful woman could drive him to his knees, make him forget all male pride and ego… He would beg at her feet to keep her with him… and there was no other who could do that… John was trembling with the fear of losing her and his voice shook with that emotion, “Marlena, please… don’t walk away from me… I need to tell you… I need you to try to understand… please… if after you.. hear me out… you still want me to go, I’ll leave you alone for as long as you want.”
It was paralyzing the effect he had on her, his pleading dulcet tones were like a siren call that went straight through her heart, penetrating all the way to her weary soul. His blue eyes were pooling with fearful tears, his face like that of a desperate little boy who despite an outward appearance of toughness, knew instinctively that if he were left alone he couldn’t survive on his own.
In her heart of hearts, Marlena couldn’t deny him… the fact was he moved her like no other had or ever would, and as much as she was wounded and filled with rage, a part of her knew that he wouldn’t willingly have betrayed her and lied about it afterward. There was more to the story than the typical man who strayed from the marriage bed. “Alright…all right, I’ll listen!” she said angrily, not sure whether is was herself or him she was angry at in this instance
He could barely speak and his reply came out in a tear choked whisper, “Thank you…. ” Tears began to trickle out of his remorseful eyes and he tried to calm the internal shaking that threatened to consume him as he prepared to share the details of his memory of the unwanted tryst. “Marlena… I want you to know… that all I was doing these past few weeks… was trying to protect you… to spare you something I knew would only hurt you…. I know it was mistake… and I’m sorry I made the wrong choice… ”
She had no patience for that part of it, believing his motivation was every bit as much about self preservation as for her sake… “John… just tell me..” she said, dismissing his beginning.
John flashed a strange sort of a smile that was more of a frown, thankful she wanted any part of him, but recognizing it was significant that she didn’t care why he held back. “Okay… okay… but we better sit down…”
“No..I’ll stand.. thank you..” she countered, crossing her arms over her chest, not wanting him to have any advantage in playing on her feelings.
He nodded and heaved a heavy sigh, his heart filled with dread, sitting on the edge of the bed while she stood several feet away. “Okay.. I started having flashes of memory on New Year’s Eve… and it came in bits and pieces… like everything else has… but I’ve been able to put it together.. When I went out into the water, the drowning was a hoax… the woman stuck me with a needle and whatever it was knocked me out. I woke up inside a submarine….and Gina was there.”
“And you… had sex with her,” Marlena said, flatly stating the obvious.
He couldn’t look at her, he couldn’t say the words, but he nodded.
Damn it… he wasn’t going to make her draw it out of him, either he told the wretched story himself or she was leaving him alone… “Explain it to me, John! ”
Realizing that he couldn’t delay the most distressing part any longer, he went on with it, almost meeting her condemning gaze, “Okay… I don’t.. pretend to understand it… but Marlena… the man who… the man who woke up on that sub with Gina… he wasn’t me… he wasn’t the man you married.. he was… somebody I can’t even begin to recognize…”
“He was the old John….the man before the brainwashing?” she asked, guessing based on what Gina had said and the puzzled expression John wore.
Her husband was shaking his head, his voice filled with anxious confusion, “I don’t know… I don’t know, Doc… but I swear on everything I hold sacred that it wasn’t me. You have to know beyond all doubt that I would never betray you… that I would never… hurt you that way.”
She was pacing back and forth while he sat, a strange turn of events.. “I don’t know what to think, John…you’ve been sneaking around, taking my files, hiding things from me… what am I supposed to think?
“Marlena, I was confused by it.. and I was.. scared! I was afraid that if you knew…. you’d leave me… And here we are…”
She almost laughed at the irony…”Yes, here we are… I want the rest of if, John..”
He didn’t want to tell her what could only make the wound more difficult to heal. But, now he finally understood how difficult it had been for her when Roman demanded the same… to know the how, the when, and the where… of their torrid affair…Looking down again, not able to meet her eyes, he tried to dissuade her in cautious soft tones, “No… Doc, no, you don’t….want..”
She was infuriated with him… he said he wanted to explain it and then when it came down to the nitty gritty, he was making her drag it out of him. Nearly screaming, she interrupted, “John.. I *know* what I want from you and what I *want* is the TRUTH! Now, tell me about it…” she said, her breathing ragged with the swell of anger.
“Oh…Doc…” Again, he cocked his head and his misty eyes begged her not to make him say it… but there was no avoiding it. If he had a chance in hell at saving his marriage, he had to tell her everything that happened, in all its sickening detail. “Alright.. like I said…. I was a different man… I was… angry, I was…hardened… I was Stefano’s operative… and with Gina… I was… rough… it was… forceful… Doc, I wasn’t… making love to her… It was.. sex… and it was not me, the man you married, who was with her.”
John rose from the bed and stepped up close to her, and she allowed it, believing the most crucial part of his revelation was forthcoming. His demeanor was so sorrowful and so.. endearing, as he made himself completely vulnerable before her, his lips quivering, “Marlena… I swear to you… I don’t know how it happened… but it was my.. my… body…that was with her… my….mouth that kissed her… and my… hands…. that touched her… but it wasn’t.. ME!” He stood there his hands folded on his chest, his eyes brimming with the tears that kept forming but wouldn’t fall. Then suddenly the control he was exerting over his emotions broke down as he silently prayed for help… prayed for her understanding… and he started to break down… shaking his head and crying out repeatedly, “It wasn’t me…. It wasn’t me…I’m sorry, Doc… I’m so sorry!”
Logic told her differently, but she instinctively believed him. This was the man she loved with all her heart and soul and she believed him. Marlena nodded, then took him in her arms and wept with him, joining him in the place of pain only they two could share. She was betrayed by some part of him which lay buried beneath layers of damage inflicted by Stefano DiMera, but another aspect of him, the core essence of the man she loved would never have hurt her this way. Somehow they had to find a way to reconcile those parts of his person and face the future together, however fraught with challenges it might be. But not yet…
After a long while, she drew out of the intense embrace and began to tell him how she was feeling, “Honey… I believe you… I do… but I still need… some time… please try to understand..”
“Time away…. you mean from me?” he asked, wiping away a straggling tear from his cheek.
It broke her heart to say it, but it was the truth and he had to accept it, “Yes… I’m sorry, John….. but when I asked you if something was wrong, you lied to me… you hid the truth… you snuck into my office… you did all of that rather than trust in the strength of our love. The tide of sadness and hurt was starting to wash over her again, as she shared what it was doing to her, willing him to see the pain he caused by his actions. “All those times we struggled with something, and you talked about how important honesty and trust are, and then when you most needed to… you didn’t trust in our love.. You didn’t trust in me, John… and that hurts me… that hurts me so much! And the baby… Hope is carrying…” Again she stopped as the pain threatened to take over, the tears flowing feeling, “Well, I can’t even begin… to deal with that.. so yes, I need some time.. ” The sentence was left unfinished, but he knew what words would have followed, ‘away from you.’
She didn’t say it immediately, but he knew what was next as well. John wanted to take her in his arms again, to alleviate her suffering. Her eyes told him his touch was unwanted, and so he stood there with his hands as his sides and waited. She was about to tell him she was going out of town for awhile, to sort things out. His spirit praying for divine intervention, he said it for her, “You’re going away aren’t you… I mean…out of town.”
“Yes… I need to be away from Salem… I don’t want to be here when Hope comes back.”
There was so much behind that statement… so much pain and fear unbidden, “I understand… maybe we should both… ”
Marlena cut him off… shaking her head she asked a question for which the answer was clear beforehand, “John, *you* have to stay here… you have to face this.. you know that, don’t you?”
His head tilted downward, his eyes fixed on a stain on the carpet, he nodded and then spoke in hushed embarrassed tones, “Yea… I know that…I have to take responsibility for what’s happened… but it would be… a whole lot easier if I knew.. that you were coming back to me…” Shutting his eyes briefly as if to shut down the uncertainty of his fate, then lifting his head and opening them to look at her, he asked her directly, “Are you… coming back to me, Marlena?”
“John….let’s just take this one step at a time, okay?” She wouldn’t say it… she wouldn’t give him the reassurance he was searching for… she wanted him to suffer for not knowing…
It was only fair that he should live in fear of losing her, after what he’d done to her faith in him. “Okay… we’ll play it anyway you say it, Doc… I’ll do anything you ask of me… to save our love… and our marriage.. I love you so much, Marlena… please….wherever you are… don’t ever forget that.”
She recalled something he’d revealed to her once a few years earlier, and put it back on him, “John… wasn’t it you who told Kristen… that love doesn’t mean *anything* without trust?”
A guilt ridden sigh escaped his lips, tears welled up behind his sad eyes, and a slight nod of the head was all the reply he could muster in the face of his own words uttered at a time of great anguish.
Part 3
He was almost numb to the pain by now… welcoming and yet feeling guilty for the loss of discomfort, the fading of intense unresolved emotion…absently wondering what was keeping him alive. His children were staying with the Brady family, Shawn and Caroline, who would never hold something their father did against the innocence of youth. And Marlena went home to Colorado for an undetermined period of time. Bo and Hope went somewhere too… he didn’t know and didn’t really care… not since the big confrontation, that is….
John was completely alone now… his worst fear becoming a cold harsh reality with very little hope of changing for the better. He remembered the scenes he’d imagined… asking her if he would lose her, and Marlena reassuring him…Somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to tell her and then the unthinkable happened, she learned it by overhearing Abe tell him about Hope. Not only was she alive, but she was pregnant, truly his darkest nightmare in reality.
Instead of trusting her and being honest as they both pledged themselves to do, he’d hidden truth from her. Now she was gone…. and he was lost. Lost in dreams and wishes and fantasies, lost in his remorse for having kept the truth from her for fear of the very thing he was now facing, a life lived without the person who was his very life blood. He had no idea what to do with himself and days passed like an eternity, his heart surrounded by the cold empty darkness of winter.
Marlena gazed out at the Rocky Mountains, peaks that once seemed so inviting, instilling a sense of peace and security in her youthful self. Now they seemed jagged, rough, and inhospitable, their snow covered summits reminding her of the ice that now flowed through her heart. There had been so much pain, so much struggling to do what was right and best for everyone else in her life. For once, she longed to give in to her own secret desires… to do what was right for *her* It was almost a curse… that ability she had to sacrifice her own needs for those of others. But, not this time.. John needed her, he was confused and hurt too… but she couldn’t respond in her usual caring way to his suffering… This one time she was taking time for herself, to sort out her feelings about what happened, leaving him alone to face the painful consequences of actions she now knew he was not totally responsible for because of what had been done to his mind.
She couldn’t help but recall the last few times they’d made love… when she didn’t want to share herself, but wasn’t ready to admit what her head was telling her, that he had been with another woman, with Gina… in Hope. There was something different about him then.. and her too… their lovemaking effected by the turmoil going on inside their minds…
She recalled how John couldn’t quite look her in the eyes, how he tried so hard to cover up the fact that something was bothering him.. and how she always knew that he was hiding something important, that he was running from something that was ultimately unavoidable. It was sad really… for everyone concerned. If only he’d been honest with her from the very beginning of the whole Gina debacle, they might have avoided some of the pain all four of them were experiencing.
Not to mention the baby Hope was carrying within her womb. That was utterly unfathomable…
Most of his days were spent staring blankly out over the dark waters of the Salem River, no real purpose or meaning left for him without the people he loved most in the world. His mind fixated on the memories of sex with Gina in Hope… and on the words his *brother* had spoken in anger… “You’re not my brother… not anymore… My *brother* would never do this… my brother would have told me about what was happening… John.. I could have done something if I had known how bad it was… how much the Gina part of her was trying to take over. You should have told me about that day in the park…”
His lame protests fell on deaf ears. “Bo.. I didn’t know what to do.. it was so confusing… I told I you I thought she was experiencing Gina’s feelings for me… don’t you remember?”
“Yes… I do…but you didn’t tell me about the incident in the park… I had to hear that from Marlena! Look… it doesn’t matter any more.. Hope is pregnant.. .with YOUR child! And the fact is… I don’t want anything more to do with you… just stay out of our lives, John… Hope and I… we’ll find a way to work this out on our own…”
John shook his head to clear it of those recollections… there were others quite similar… and he put them away to concentrate on the flowing of the waters in front of him… the sound of the waves crashing into the pilings, and the long mournful sighs of the fishing boats. Maybe he could distract himself… lose himself for awhile….
There were other times, when the visions haunted him… when they were all he could see, all other memories blotted out by the sins of his past… his body laying with another who was controlled by the Old Man himself.
How he hated those images, how he begged for some unknown power to remove them… almost wishing DiMera would erase all his memories again, save for those of his one true love, the only peace he’d ever known….. ‘Oh, Doc… I love you, and I *need* you so much! Come back to me… please God, let her come back to me!’ he cried out to the woman he loved and then in desperation to the God he was no longer sure of, wondering if the Lord would hear his anguished guilty pleas.
He was shaking his head, realizing all hope was gone now anyway. John remembered the kinds of things she’d said to him before she left… when he was at a loss for the words that would make her stay, and could only sigh in deep regret…
Everyone looked at him differently now… to know he’d recalled something so important and covered it up, even lied when confronted about it. They lost respect for him… and that was tantamount to rejection, and so like those years ago when the affair was revealed. ‘Oh, Doc… now I know how hard it was for you… I’m so sorry for all of it… maybe I should… let you go… let you find happiness with someone who won’t hurt you the way I have… someone who knows what’s in their past..’ Maybe that was it… maybe they were fighting the inevitable ending to their pain ridden relationship… John shut his eyes and tried to summon some innate ability he seemed to have to weather the storms life had to offer, that ability to never give up… and found nothing there but a profound weariness of the soul
‘The river…. Seek the peace of the river, John…. hang on… just hang on… ‘ He whirled around in a circle, thinking he heard someone speaking to him… but there was no one there. So was he starting to hear things… was he losing it? Or was it just his own inner spirit speaking to him, working to help him stay the course… to believe in the love he shared with Marlena Evans even when all seemed lost, even when she said she wanted to be apart from him indefinitely.
He remembered those last moments, when he was so desperate, he took her in his firm grasp and kissed her hard… willing his ministrations to have their customary effect.. but her lips were cold to him, her body fighting his touch. She wanted no part of him and there was nothing he could do to change that fact. She was leaving him….
There was nothing else to say… her ice glazed hazel eyes told the story. If he had told her the truth, from the very beginning… way back in the summer, before the wedding… maybe there would have been a chance… if he hadn’t stolen the file. If he hadn’t hidden in the tragic death of the person he thought was his partner in that hideous act against his will, convincing himself the truth would never come to light, that it would only cause pain should it be revealed. How right he was, but for all the wrong reasons. But the fact was, he couldn’t undo the damage his lies had wrought… And then she said it out loud, making sure he felt the pain…”Only a fool would stay with you now, after you betrayed everything about us, everything we’ve shared. What hurts me most is the fact that you didn’t trust me, you didn’t trust in our love, John.”
It had been a day and still there was no reply to her condemning ire… He only nodded as the tears welled up behind his hidden shame filled eyes, then stood there watching her walk away, suitcase in hand. Helpless to do or say anything that could make a difference in the final outcome, he breathed out a long sad sigh, thinking as the door slammed behind her…..
Part 4
Shawn Brady said it best as he spoke to his worried wife, having caught a glimpse of the man he loved as a son on the far side of the river. He’d long gotten past the sense of betrayal and wanted to move on to forgiveness, wishing the whole family could do the same. “I think all the life has gone out of him, Caroline… he’s not really here with us any longer… and there’s nothing to be done about it. I fear he’s lost to us… the last time we spoke, he as much as said he’d rather be dead than live without them.” She nodded and started to cry. Shawn needed no more cue and placed his strong arms around her, letting her cry for what was lost to all members of the Brady family. It was a great tragedy all the way around… and a baby on the way, what should be symbol of light and hope for the future, serving only as an omen of the dark evil that was its creator in the ultimate sense. John and Hope had nothing to do with it, not really….
The harsh winter winds ripped through the man standing out on the pier in a worn leather jacket, chilling him all the way to his soul. Why he was out in what was considered to be one of the worst snowstorms Salem had ever seen was a mystery to some, but what did it matter anyway? He’d never been this cold inside his heart, this lonely, this depressed in all the life that he remembered, not even when he didn’t know his name. His life as he wished for it to be was for all intents and purposes over. There was nothing more… Marlena was gone and with her the children, and with them any hope he ever had. Now, he was left with the memories of that other life, memories that haunted him, memories that made him realize that without her he was but a shadow of what he was meant to be. Tormented as he was by them, he might as well have been in hell…..
As she curled up in a ball on the couch and gazed at the jagged snow covered peaks yet again, a part of her wondered what it must be like for the Brady family. How were they coping with the idea that Hope was carrying a baby she never wanted to conceive. What a shock it must have been for her to learn the truth, to realize that her body was used by a person created by Stefano, that she and John had been sexually intimate, against the will of the people they were at their core. In actuality, it was rape….They each had been violated by a persona trapped somewhere within the mind of the other. How unsettling it must be for both of them… and what about Bo? What about me? And John… No matter how hard she tried, her mind kept taking her back to the man she loved. However awful she felt about what had happened… he must be devastated to realize that he had betrayed his wedding vows, yet had no say in the matter, having been subject to whatever games of mind control Stefano DiMera saw fit to play…
‘Oh, John… I do love you… but this is… this is unbearable. How will we ever get past it… Someone please show me a way out of this darkness.’ She flashed on a memory of another bleak period… recalling what it was like to be trapped in the warehouse, how cold and dark it was then, and how lonely… The despair of never being found, of dying alone… this was so much like that horrible time…
Somehow, once they were married, Marlena believed there would never be anything that could tear them apart, and she didn’t think John’s unremembered past could touch them ever again, or rather she wouldn’t allow herself to dwell on her uncertainties. John seemed so sure of himself… so convinced that he could put it all behind him once they exchanged wedding vows, their hands bearing the rings that symbolized their lifelong commitment to each other.
Now, after having time to contemplate the events of the past several months, Marlena realized that he wasn’t ever so sure as he tried to make her believe. All along, despite his outward appearance of self- assurance, John was afraid… and he’d clung to that magical thinking for the purposes of emotional survival. He was motivated by fear and that fear had driven him to hide the truth about his unsettling memories. He hadn’t been able to trust in the strength of the ties between them because his inner self-doubt was much more deeply rooted than Marlena ever imagined it to be. It made her question herself… How could she have missed it? How could she have allowed him to convince her that everything was alright? The more she thought about it, the more she came to acknowledge that some part of her knew. In her heart of hearts, she knew he was struggling with some very upsetting memories, even before the wedding…but she let it go…. She wanted to believe that there were no permanent effects from what Stefano had done to him… and she did… He avoided the subject like the plague and she eagerly succumbed to his attempts at distraction..
The darkness was closing in around him, cloudy skies having dumped another six inches… and still he was out in the cold, numbed to it, lost in the gray bleakness that surrounded him. He peered down into the icy waters of the Salem River and wondered how long it would take hypothermia to set it… and just how painful it would be to die that way. In the face of the seemingly endless pain and guilt he was suffering for his misdeeds, a few minutes of agony followed by unconscious nothingness seemed infinitely preferable. Knowing what he’d done all those years ago now, he thought maybe it would be better if he ended it himself, if he let them all go on with their lives. Having learned since his wife left him, that he’d been Stefano’s willing mercenary… considering the man his best friend… dining, sharing drinks, pretending to be a Priest, stealing and killing for the Bastard… and now, having fathered a child with another woman… betraying his wedding vows… shaming his children… Maybe they would all be better off without him…
Her mother and father had gone out to lunch with another couple… Marlena declined their offer to come along and was sitting in the living room staring out the picture window and thinking about a conversation she’d had with her mother….”Darling… if what you say is true… then it wasn’t really his fault… Stefano DiMera is ultimately responsible for what happened between John and Hope. Marlena… you know he loves you… and you know he’s hurting as much or more than you are right now… but he’s alone. He’s all alone with his pain… I was trying to spare you… but Caroline Brady called me the other day and she’s very worried about him. She said that he’s been having more flashbacks of his life with Stefano… and he’s consumed with guilt about what he did for that.. despicable monster. Won’t you at least think about calling him?”
Should she do as her mother suggested? Should she forgive him and reach out with the loving compassion he so obviously needed…. Her heart and mind were divided. He had lied to her, hidden the truth… for months… what was she supposed to do.. just forgive him and act like it didn’t matter that another woman was carrying his child? She was always the one to extend grace…. it wasn’t fair! What about him? He could call here…. ‘Come on, Marlena.. he tried… for three weeks he tried and what did you do… you told your mother to make excuses and he finally took the hint and gave up… What did you expect him to do?’
It was late into the bitterly cold evening and he was sitting in the Jeep, parked on a hillside overlooking the city, a place he’d come to once in awhile, but not for a long time. It was a beautiful view but he hardly noticed. It was different now, everything was different. Everything seemed dark and hopeless. His mind took him back to their parting… and how no matter what he said it didn’t help the situation. And then she went off to Colorado and she wouldn’t take his calls… her mother always saying that she was in the shower or shopping… anything but willing and able to talk to him. Eventually he’d gotten the message and stopped trying. The pain had grown steadily worse, the memories more intrusive and disturbing with each passing day.
So… what was he to do? There was nothing. He had no power… no control… As his mind acknowledged that essential truth, the memories came back to haunt him again.. and he was there in that dungeon again, drugs coursing through his brain, flowing out into his bloodstream… putting him at the mercy of a madman…. “I am in control of your mind, John… you have no identity… you are nothing… but my Pawn… you will do my bidding… and nothing else… You are mine…body and soul… “
“No… no, I’m not!” he cried… “No… you don’t have the power of life and death! I do… I decide that much!” he screamed into the quiet stillness of the night… “I don’t have to live with this pain and this guilt… I can choose to end it… you Bastard!”
Abe’s voice was there to counter his hopeless despair, his words a mix from recent attempts at talking him out of his suicidal ideation. “No, John…. no…think about this… don’t let him have that much control! Don’t end your life because of what he did to you… Fight back, John!”
He was on the verge of tears as salty liquid clouded his vision, his voice thick with painful emotions, “I did…. I fought back with everything I had… and I LOST! I lost the one person who could make me feel alive! She was my hope….she was the light through the darkness… she was my….safe place…but now all of that is gone… and I can never get it back…”
“You don’t know that, John… you’re giving up too soon…”
“I called her every day for weeks… she wouldn’t talk to me… What else can I do?”
“Go out there… and make her listen… ”
The despair claimed his heart and spoke for him, “No.. she’ll just be angry with me for not respecting her wishes… she’ll turn me away again… No, I have to face it…. It’s over…. It’s just… over. I should have known this time would come…. I should have known that I could never really escape his hold over me… Now, he’s pulling me down… down into the darkness with him….. He was right all along… I’m just his Pawn… that’s all I ever was….his creation… to be used and controlled…”
John stared out over the hillside again…. It wouldn’t take very long… just throw the Jeep into gear and in a couple of seconds, maybe a minute or two and he’d be dead… how bad could it be? It was time… time to end it… time to let her go so she could find true happiness with a man who wouldn’t bring such grief to her life… a man she could trust…a man without such darkness buried in his soul. “I’m so sorry for hurting you like this, Doc.. but it’s better this way… you’ll see in time… you’ll be happier in the long run… I love you… always…” He revved the engine one last time and slipped the car into gear….
As she fiddled with the remote on the television, searching for a show that might capture her attention for awhile, her heart was suddenly seized with an overpowering sense of impending doom. Then her mind presented a vision of the man she loved plunging over a steep cliff to his death, motivated by the misguided belief that she would be better off without him. “Oh, my God! No… Oh, GOD!… No, John NO! She stood up and shut her eyes tight… concentrating with all her mental energy, willing his spirit to hear her desperate cry of protest, “NO, JOHN NO!!…. don’t you do it! I LOVE YOU!!
He thought he heard something besides the sound of the engine… but it couldn’t be… “Doc? What!” His response to her voice was instinctive…and he slammed his foot on the brake… the vehicle slid, careening wildly back and forth as he tried to stop, heading toward the edge of the cliff…
It was bizarre but it was almost as if she were there with him…”Oh, please God…. Don’t let him die…. Please… I love him so much… and we’ll find a way to work this out…please just don’t let him die… not like this… all alone in such agony!”
At the very last possible second, the Jeep came to a rough stop, the right front wheel sliding over the edge. Not wearing a seatbelt, John’s unrestrained body slammed against the steering wheel with great force, then his head hit the windshield and he was out cold.
“Oh, no… John… honey… Oh, I’ve got to call… I’ve got to know if he’s alright…” she said out loud, as she raced for the telephone.
She dialed the number for John’s best friend Abe Carver and Salem’s Police Commander. The man who answered was rather groggy sounding, “Hello…”
“Abe, it’s Marlena… I’ve got a horrible feeling about John… I think he’s hurt or… in great danger…. Have you heard from him tonight?”
“No…but I saw him this afternoon… he’s in a bad way Marlena….I don’t mind telling you, I’m worried about him. But I thought you didn’t want anything to do with him right now… he said he’s been trying to call you but you wouldn’t talk to him.”
“Oh, Abe…that’s what I said… it’s what I thought I believed… but tonight… I just… I got this overwhelming fear that something terrible was about to happen to him… that he was going to die…in a car accident. Could you please check on him for me…”
“Why don’t you try his cell phone, Marlena… I’m sure he has it with him,” Abe said, knowing that John needed to hear her voice more than he needed anything else in the world.
She was anxious and responded favorably… however it happened, she just had to know if he were alright, “Okay… okay… then I’ll call you right back… ”
He didn’t respond right away, his ear catching something on the police radio… “Wait a minute, Marlena…. ” he said to his friend, then listened more closely… He didn’t hear it all but got the gist of it, “We’ve got a Black Jeep Cherokee… up on Pine Ridge… the driver has been injured… we’re taking him to University Hospital… ”
“Marlena… I can’t begin to explain it… but you’re right….John’s been in an accident with the Jeep… he’s being taken to the hospital right now.. I’m going over there and I’ll call you as soon as I can…”
“No, Abe… I’m on my way there… I’ll be on the first flight out to Salem… you just… you tell him.. that I love him…and that I won’t let him go this way… So help me God.. he’s *not* taking the easy way out… Would you please do that for me…
He was floating somewhere above it all… the paramedics were working on his injured body… putting in an artificial airway… stabilizing his head and neck… moving him to a backboard… but he felt nothing… and somewhere in the distance he heard Marlena’s insistent voice. She still loved him… and she didn’t want him to die… she wanted to work it out. Tempted as he was to go toward the warm light he saw up ahead, John knew he had to stay.
She was the light he wanted to follow and he would journey with her to the ends of the earth and back if she wanted him to… He turned around and faced the haunting image of the madman, saying, “No… I won’t let you destroy us… we’re going to beat you Old Man! Our love is stronger than your evil. I’m going back…back where I belong, I’m going home.”
Suddenly, John was there inside his own body again, aware of what was happening around him… then he felt the light pressure of fingertips pressing on his neck and wrist, and he heard someone talking as he faded into the healing darkness of normal unconsciousness. “We’ve got a pulse… it’s weak, but it’s there.. and normal sinus rhythm. He’s back with us…”
The Jarlena Journal 