I watch her as she paces across the room, her hands in constant motion as if in their small way, expressing what she is unable to say.
At least say to me.
Since we asked her to help the woman Bo loves, I could see her slipping away from me and yet, while looking me in the eye, she consistently told me that nothing was wrong. Foolishly I believed.
I remember a time when I would love to watch her sleeping, contented and sated in my arms, her skin the most delicate of pale pinks, her hair a golden frame for the beauty that was all mine.
Now, I dread this time of night, for her screams tear my soul apart.
What god had put together, let no man put asunder, yet with one horrible lie, my world is now in shards, that I wish I had enough courage to grab and plunge into my heart to stop it from beating.
For I would end it all, to bring back the life into my lady’s eyes.
I have sworn to her that I would never betray her, promised her that I would never.
Safe in the fool’s gold that my mind was, but yet I have. By forces that I had denied were possible, I was allowed to be physically and mentally, by a siren call reaching for me from my past.
My body answered the call, shattering the sanctity of what my vows to my cherished wife had meant in the tiny gold band.
Everything was torn away thanks to Stefano’s play toys, while yet the woman who held my life in her hands, worried for me and would have given HER life to keep me safe, did all she could to find me.
I shake my head as she has finally fallen asleep, crying for what we had and could have had.
Leaning over, I gently graze my lips over her skin, remembering all the times in love and desire that I had done that before.
That small gesture sets her off again, unable to let go of the demons that were put in her mind, thanks to the lie like a silken kiss, whispers and rustles in her head.
I remember what I had wanted this to all be, that I could make her see that I, or the part of me that loves her completely had never betrayed my lady.
Like a nightmare that a child knows is there and can’t convince anyone, my other self took control. I hoped that she would understand and could forgive.
I forgot just what time and my other mistakes had done to the lady who loved me most.
There had been a time when she loved me without hesitation, and I clung to that like a lifeline. She had made me so much more than what I was and felt that I had been, she made life bearable for me.
She guided me, helped me and above all, simply just loved me.
I remember the pawn, the Cop, the family, the nothingness.
I remember falling in love, that first uncertain but perfect night and every night with her since.
My Angel, My Love, My Friend.
Somewhere along the way, John Black the hunter and assassin became the follower.
Not that I mind, for any man would give his life to have someone as quiet, compassionate and wise as my love.
No matter what the cost to her, she followed and never judged.
She stayed by my side even when I was lost and confused.
As we lay in bed one night, quietly listening as our heartbeats mingled and created their own magic, I asked her a question that until that point had danced in my head.
Why?
She rolled over in my arms and smiled so brightly that I was convinced that she had all the starlight captured in that smile.
“For we’re soulmates, because I remember and I love you. I will never leave. For the fates have said that we’re meant to be in each others lives and to be lying in bed, contentedly in each others arms for a lifetime and nothing less.”
I remember that and weep for it now.
So from having faced the future as equals, we’re now at odds. But as the sunrise brings a new day, I sit guard with one tiny but certain thought.
Because we’re soul mates,
Because I remember the joy in her eyes as she came to stand beside me on our wedding day.
Because I remember the promises that the man I am now, didn’t break.
And above all, as I watch her finally surrender to the peace of sleep, the most important of all.
Because I love her and I remember.
The Jarlena Journal 