Artist: Lee Ann Womack
Album: I Hope You Dance
Title: I Hope You Dance
My darling Belle,
One of the hardest things, I have ever had to do in my life, is to say
good-bye to my beautiful baby with the golden blonde hair and her daddy’s big
blue eyes. When the doctors told me I had cancer, I swore I would fight
until my last breath to stay alive. Well, I guess the first part is true. I
fought with everything I had in me but unfortunately, that strength could not
keep me alive and I am so terribly sorry for that. You are only sixteen and
you are far to young to lose your mother . . . especially when you have
become the best friend, I have ever had and vise versa.
There are so many rough patches I have had to deal with. I was kidnapped, I
lost a child, I was divorced, twice, and I was even possessed by the devil
and yet somehow that all seemed so much easier than this does. I knew I
could defeat the pain of such things, but I cannot run form cancer. Cancer
cannot be killed or healed with time and love. Saying good-bye to your
father, Brady, and the twins is different. Don’t get me wrong, I love them
all with everything I have, but you my precious Belle, you are my charm.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean . . .
There is so much I want to say to you. So much so, that I don’t know how to
put it all into words, words afterall have such little power, but I knew I
had to try, if not only for my sake but for yours. I admire your tenacity
and vivaciousness so much, you in so many ways are the person I always
dreamed of being.
Belle, there is so much that life has to offer. So many opportunities, so
much joy. You were always the girl who needed to fill up her life with
things that would profit not only yourself, but other people as well. Your
life has not been easy, not by a longshot, but yet you strive to be a better
person because of it. So many people would give up. Turn to drugs or
alcohol, maybe even suicide, but not you. You, my darling, live your life
knowing that there is always a tomorrow.
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance
I hope you dance . . .
I don’t want you to give that all up because you have lost your mother at
such a young age. There is always another doorway to enter, always another
reason to reach for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
There are so many choices in our lives, Belle. So many turns to make and the
decision on which path to choose. Robert Frost once said ‘Two roads diverged
in a wood and I . . . I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all
the difference.’ Be yourself in that crazy world that we know as life.
Don’t ever be someone’s slogan, because you are poetry. You are the sparkle
in my eye, the greatest achievment I have accomplished in my life. I believe
that my purpose for living was to bring you into this world.
You used to tell me that the way you got through the hard times was because
you had me right by your side. Well, just because death has erased my
physical presense, don’t give up your beliefs. Promise me that, sweetheart.
Promise me that this will only make you stronger in the long run. That you
won’t give up on life because I am not in it because the truth is baby, I am.
I am in it every day and anytime you need me, I am here. Some say that
angels are even better than human’s. Because angels are always in your heart
and always watching over you, more so than before.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’ . . .
I will always be there for you, Belle. I will always be in your heart and I
will always be there to guide you when you feel like there is nothing left to
strive for. Life offers each of us an array of choices and opportunities.
Don’t be the one who gives up on things because they might be a little less
than what you are used to. Strive to be the best person you can be and live
life taking chances which will inevitably change your life. I am not telling
you to go jump out of a plane at 18 or tattoo parts of your body, but I am
telling you to live each day as if it were your last. I want you not to
simply watch as the fire of life burns around you, I wish for you to dance in
the flames, for life is not lived if your simply standing outside watching
others within. Don’t sit down and be afraid of the future because in the end,
you end up missing your present. As James Dean once said ‘Dream as if you’ll
live forever, live as if you’ll die tomorrow.’ Dream big, it will lead you
to places you have never even imagined.
Lovin’ might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’,
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin’ out reconsider . . .
And then there is love, my precious Belle. There are so many possibilities
that await you when you fall in love. But along with the joy, there does
include sorrow, like everything else in life. But don’t cry to long over a
broken heart. We make mistakes in life but every mistake leads to something
wonderful. My baby, remember that there are no such things as coincidences,
everythign in this world has its divine purpose and meaning. One day it will
all simply fit together and make sense. The affair I had with your father
was wrong but what it brought us was you. God chose to give me pain, only to
have something as wonderful and as joyous as you, come into my life.
If Shawn Brady one day breaks your heart, don’t also let him break your
spirit. Don’t let yourself wallow in pity, no matter how much it hurts and
never lose sight of who you are, just to win back the love of a man. I’m not
telling you to not mourn over the loss of what you believe is love, I am
telling you to not give up on what you think is the end. If what you and
Shawn have is true love, then it will find its way back to the both of you,
when you least expect it. Don’t let anyone ever tell you, you don’t deserve
what you want, because you deserve everything wonderful this world has to
offer.
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance . . .
And I know you must be thinking that maybe the world won’t be as wonderful,
if I am not right by your side. Did you ever look up into the heavens late
at night and wonder why the stars shone with such intense light? They
symbolize angels. The brighter the star shines, the more protection you
shall receive. I know my star will be positioned right next to your
namesakes . . . right next to Brady’s mother. Don’t dismiss the fact that
heaven is just a myth because I shall be there for you whenever you need a
helping hand. And when you close your eyes at night, I will come visit you
and let you know that everything will be all right. That life isn’t about
sorrow and fear but about joy and courage. And you sweetheart, will carry
the latter of the two.
Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years
have gone . . .
Life is short. When something begins, it seems to end just as fast. When
you are younger you yearn to grow to be a teenager and when that finally
happens you pray to become an adult. And when you reach your thirties and
forties, you wonder why you ever wanted to be old and you crave total freedom
again. But life comes and goes the way it wants to. I believe God has a set
plan for everyone. He knows from the moment you were born, who your soulmate
will be, whether younger or older, you are born for that one person . . . He
knows the day you will die and who will be there. But the great thing about
God is, He never gives us more than we can handle. Whether it seems true at
the time or not, in the end everything will work out all right. When your
father and I were at our worst, he told me, ‘In the end everything works out
okay and if it is not okay, then you know it is not the end.’ Don’t be
afraid to cry, because sometimes tears are the anitfreeze needed to thaw the
soul and clean the spirit.
I know I sound more like a psychiatrist right now than your mother, but maybe
being philosophical is the only way I know how to write this without dying of
the pain it is causing me to write this letter. I love you Isabella. I love
you with everything that I have ever known and everything I will ever know.
The smile and laughter that you have brought into my life for sixteen years
is the greatest present that I ever could have recieved. The sound of your
voice in the morning, whispering ‘I love you my mommy,’ into my ear and
softly laying your head on my chest was a feeling of pure delight in my mind.
And the gratification of seeing you grow up thus far, has truly been the
number one honor in my life.
In another sixteen years, you will be thirty-two. You will have a family of
your own, a house wherever you so desire, and a husband who I know will treat
you with all the love and care in the world. And you may look back to now
and wonder however it was you learned to live without the person who has
given you life. But just know, I am the one who carried you, whenever the
times were rough. That I was never truly out of your life, even though my
body has been. I will never fail you, baby. Whether in earth or in heaven,
I have never and will never miss one-second of your life and I will be there
with every breath you shall take.
One more thing. Take care of your daddy for me. He’s going to need you now,
maybe more than ever. But teach him what I taught you. That there is still
a door to be opened, once one has been closed. That love can always be
waiting in the wings when we least expect it. He needs you now more than
ever, for after I am gone, you and your brother are all that he has left of a
family. You shall not survive this if you are not all leaning on, and
holding each other up.
My time has come, my love. I must go and join Brady’s mother in a place
where time is endless and love is everlasting. But no matter where I am,
know how much I love you and how proud I am of you and always. I love you
sweet girl. I love you with everything under the sun and I love you from the
moon and back. And always remember ‘I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for
always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.’ I may not be here anymore,
but in your heart I shall always be alive.
Oh and Belle? I want you to take the Shalimar from my dresser and whenever
you miss me, all you have to do is spray it upon your pillow, or your wrist,
or wherever you choose and I will be right there with you. I have enclosed
this letter with a drop of perfume on the edges so you know that when you
read this, I will be right there with you.
I love you, my darling Isabella. For always.
Mommy
Brady,
The day your father brought me into your life was without a doubt, one of the
most amazing moments of my entire existence. You were this little bundle of
joy, who had been through so much pain emotionally, without even knowing it.
Your mother had just passed away and your father was ready to take you out of
our lives forever. But I knew I could never let you go. I couldn’t let John
leave town, if he did, I would never see you again. Never see you learn how
to walk, how to speak . . . never see you grow to become the man I know you
were destined to become. In my heart I loved you as if you were my own, and
in so many ways, you were.
Having you in the house for the first few years of your life, seemed perfect
to me. And when I had Belle, you suddenly became her protector and I somehow
loved you even more for embracing her in your soul the way you did. I can
remember the first time, you ever held her. Your father had brought you over
to the penthouse to meet her and your blue eyes became wide with excitement
and joy. You seemed so happy in that moment, and I always knew you would
love Isabella with everything in your heart, the same way I had always loved
you. I feel that you were born to be Belle’s guardian, her protector. How I
could have ever thought that you would cause harm to her, I will never
forgive myself for. Yet, I can die peacefully, my son, knowing that you will
forever watch over her.
Sweetheart, I know we have had our differences . . . maybe even a brief
period where the word hate could have been used. But Brady, in all that
time, I never loved you any less. And remember how you told me that the day
I told you I was not your real mother, you cried? Well, no one, not even
your father knows this, but I did as well. You had run upstairs so
distraught, and I wanted to run after you. I wanted to hold you and let you
know everything would be all right, that I truly was your mother in my heart,
but I was afraid you would reject me, so I left. I wandered down to the park
and it was late, no one was there, and I just cried. I stayed there until
maybe one in the morning, just crying and wishing things would have been
different. Wishing that I was your mother, because I loved you just as much
as I loved Eric and DJ. I cried because I never could be the mother you
wished for me to be. I cried alone in that park on that night for the
reality that you were not my son, although I wished you to be so very badly.
And then things changed and the anger began. But I don’t blame you Brady. I
understand why you were upset and I don’t love you any less despite the
things that were said between us. And maybe my getting sick happened for a
reason. Maybe it was the only way God knew how to fully heal the animosity
that you had for me and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that for a
brief period in time, I had my little boy back. I had that little boy who I
adored so much, come into my room while I slept and kiss my forehead, knowing
that love was around me and as I dreamt, my heart grew a little more. But
you aren’t so little anymore Brady. You are a man now, a man who I respect
and admire as each new day passes and who makes me smile, by just being in my
presence.
You remind me so much of your father. Your big blue eyes and your compassion
which never seems to cease. The way you read to me in bed after a long day
of chemo while all I want to do is lie there and cry. You keep me from
crying, Brady. You don’t let myself think of the fact I am dying. You keep
me grounded and as I drift into a light sleep, I hear you whispering in my
ear. I take notice of the words you are telling me and I love you all the
more for it. I know that you do not want to accept my death as I also know
that you do not want to accept the comfort of my being in heaven with your
mother. Brady, do not give up your faith in God or yourself because of my
death. God is not punishing you. I believe God took Isabella as he is
taking me, to save me from more pain that I am in right now. Brady, I do not
want to live like this anymore. I do not want to be sick anymore. I would
rather watch you from afar, than to watch you grow before my eyes while I lay
in my bedroom sick with no prospect of life.
My one regret besides leaving my family, is the fact that I am leaving you
alone without your mother once again. God seemed to have failed you when he
took Isabella away from you and I failed your mother when I let you believe I
didn’t love you enough. But if you can forgive me, please forgive God. Like
I told Belle in her letter, He never gives us situations in which we cannot
handle. I know you will be strong when I pass away and I know that you will
be the one who is taking care of your father and Belle.
She is going to be weak, Brady. I need you to lift her up and help her fly
again. To show her that there is a life beyond grief and that although I may
be gone, I am always right here for her . . . for all of you. And please
Brady, watch over John for me as well. When he lost your mother, it took
everything in him, not to do the unthinkable. I helped him get past that and
now you have to be the one to help him. I have complete faith in you and if
you need me, all you have to do is talk to my star. The one that shines
brightly next to your mother’s.
I know this is unfair to you. Why should you have to be the one who has to
be strong for everyone else? What makes you not able to grieve the way they
are? But I know you. I know that despite the pain you feel, the anger you
may consume, you would give your life for those two, just as I would for the
three of you.
I love you Brady. I love you more than you can ever know and I can honestly
say I have no other regrets as I lay here on the verge of my death. The one
thing I might have regretted, besides leaving you without a mother, was that
fact that you were no longer the boy who yearned to be in my arms. But the
past has been put behind us and the present is unraveling for us to embrace.
I may not be in your future, but the memory of the love I have for you will
live on forever in both of our hearts.
Good-bye my sweet Brady. Take good care of yourself and live life the way
you always have. With adventure and grace. Learn to accept love for what it
is and don’t be afraid to give into what you feel because chances are, it
will take you to heights you have never imagined. Dive into the deep end of
the pool of passion that we know as love and instead of sinking, I guarantee
you will swim just fine if you believe. Use that amazing singing voice that
you have and change the world with the touch of your articulate words. And
most of all, use your compassion to help others the way you have helped me.
I love you sweetheart. I will always love you. Thank you for being the star
in my eyes when the sun refused to shine.
All my love,
Mar . . . Mom.
My dearest John,
Writing this letter to you is without a doubt one of the hardest things I
have had to do in my life. Writing to the children was petrifying but
writing to you . . . saying good-bye to you is like slowly saying goodbye to
everything that lives within my heart. It is accepting, for the first time,
that I am dying. For my good bye to you, is also a good bye to myself, for
in reality we are but one person. I am bidding ado to my other half.
From the moment we met, it was as if I knew I was born to marry you. To wake
up in your arms and feel your sweet lips up against my skin as I slept.
Looking into your deep blue eyes would somehow ease my troubled mind and put
me at peace with who I was and the direction my life was heading . . . even
if that meant an untimely death in my situation. Seeing you, loving you,
gave me more joy than you shall ever know. Every smile we shared, every
memory we made shall always live within me. You shall always be a part of
- As I will, undoubtably always be a part of you.
I can remember being a teenager and wishing that I would one day fall in love
with a gorgeous prince. I will admit, it was a little girl’s dream, but I
wanted it so badly, that it carried me all through my teenage years. With
Don, I knew there was something missing. I loved him, but it was never that
movie kind of love, you know? It was never what Jack and Rose shared in
Titanic, that earth shattering love which would carry them and their souls
forever. With Roman, I truly believed that he was the one. But when he
died, I just figured that I had messed with God and He had taken my one away.
And then you walked into my life, John, in a whirlwind and that was when I
truly knew . . . that no one man could mean as much to me as you would. You
were everything that I had hoped for and everything I had dreamed. You were
my gorgeous prince and even at my lowest points, you still carried me on that
white horse into a world only filled with love and happiness.
I know we have had our rough patches, John. But I truly believe, that it has
only brought us closer in life, that each mistake was rewarded with even more
compassion than before. I want you to know, that I don’t blame you for
anything that happened with Hope or I don’t regret JT being born, because the
truth of the matter is, any child of yours, any child that has a piece of you
within them, means all the world to me. That is why Brady means everything
to me. He is yours, John. Those big blue eyes with all the world shining
through them and the heart of gold which can always make me melt.
I wish I knew what to say to you, my love. I wish I knew how to say good-bye
without crying endless tears. But my heart aches to write this. My heart
aches and my eyes burn and all I want to do is crawl into bed with you and
hide away from the reality of our lives. But there is no where no hide, no
where to run. The only thing I can really do anymore is to wait for Isabella
to come pick me up and fly me to heaven on her wings.
John, I need you to promise me something. I know you are going to think you
can’t, but you have to, if not for your sake but for Belle and Brady’s. I
need you to promise me that you will not give up on life. That you won’t run
away from the pain and drown yourself in your sorrows. Do not wallow over my
death, darling, because I will always be there. Help your children learn
that there is life beyond death and although someone may not be there in the
flesh, there spirit shall always remain. Tell stories of our past, of our
love . . . tell Belle about the day she was born and Brady about all the
times he would come into our bed on Saturday morning and sleep between the
two of us, with his head on my chest and his legs across your stomach. Don’t
let them forget the memory of their mother, because you are to afraid to
recall vivid details. You let Isabella’s memory die for so long because you
were afraid to let your emotions surface. Don’t be afraid to say my name, to
relive our love, John. Don’t let my memory die, I beg of you. Death does not
erase people, death occurs when people stop remembering. Do not let me die,
John. Keep me alive through your words, your memeory, your stories.
Keep me alive in your heart. Remember our romantic moments, our good times.
The laughter we celebrated, the tears I would cry whenever you did those
loveable gestures, you so often did. The times we have have reconciled, our
dates, our romantic interludes in the shower or even the piano. Love me as
if I am still there, but don’t waste life waiting for me to walk into that
door again, for I shall not.
I know this is hard, sweetheart. I know that as more time passes, little
memories seem to fade away. Maybe of the way that person has spoken, or a
reaction to certain words. Maybe you will confuse memories with those you
wish could have been there. But the one thing I hope you never forget is how
much I love you. How much I have always loved you and will always love you.
If no other memory remains, if everything about me suddenly fades, the memory
of my love for you will always remain. Because that my love, is neverending.
We are the Romeo and Juliet of this day, we are the star crossedlovers who
should have never loved, yet we have and our love has proven to be one made
in heaven. No one shall ever love like us again. As Romeo and Juliet, we
are soulmates. Born for each other and died for one another. I know if you
could, you would die if it meant sparing me. And I love you all the more for
that. I love you for loving me, even when you shouldn’t have, and I love you
for everything that you are and everything that you have given me. I am
sorry to leave you like this. I am sorry to say goodbye when all I want to
do is say hello. But just know, that in my life, I loved you most.
Good-bye, my love. Forever keep me in your heart and know that I am always
there for you, until the day you join me in the heavens and our souls can be
reunited . . . for always.
I love you,
Marlena.
The Jarlena Journal 