Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you
Here in my arms?
How does one waltz away
From all of the memories?
How do I not miss you
When you are gone?
Cannot dream, cannot share, sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel, how we feel, must pretend it’s over
Must be brave and we must be go on
Must not say what we’ve known all along
How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you
Here in my arms?
How does one waltz away
From all of the memories?
How do I not miss you
When you are gone?
How can I not love you
When you are gone?
John gently takes Marlena’s trembling hand in his, lacing his fingers through hers. He brings their locked hands up to face level and places the back of her hand against his cheek. They close their eyes in silent, sweet reverie and remember……
~~~
Marlena’s throat throbs in pain as she fights to stave off the impenetrable emotion inside her. The DNA results had revealed the identity of the “real” Roman Brady. John was on the run from the ISA.
“I’ve gotta figure this out Doc. Something is up, someone is trying to destroy me…us.” The words rang in her ears continually. Marlena tried to talk John into turning himself in. She was terrified that something awful was looming, he was going to get hurt. The ISA had an all points bulletin out on him, describing him as a “criminal, armed and dangerous.” This caused her heart to ache in pain for John and in anger for the man she now knew was the real Roman Brady. She grabbed her coat and car keys and left the house.
Staying at a secluded fishing cabin deep in the woods outside the city limits, John was beginning to wear down. He sat at the old pine table in the one room abode, his eyes red and weary. His mind had been a mind field, daily trying to dodge the explosions of realism. He had tried to put the pieces of this intricate puzzle together. He was beginning to lose hope, lose the will to fight for who he thought he was. One minute he was ready to fight the world for Roman Brady’s identity, Roman Brady’s wife, Roman Brady’s children, but then as he tried to piece together the events that his limited memory would recall, that overwhelming feeling of dread crept into his soul. ‘I’m not Roman Brady. I’m not married to Marlena. Carrie, Eric and Samantha are not my children.’ Lately his thoughts had been more and more bent toward giving up, turning himself in. The hardest part….letting her go. John lay his head down and thought how it had been too long since she had been to see him. “You’re giving up too Doc. I can feel it,” he whispers to the solitude that had become his only companion. His body succumbs to exhaustion and soon his breathing grows heavy in slumber. Images of her fill his mind, peaceful memories of the moments spent together, spent in love, in intimacy. His world begins to rock gently with dreams of her and the love they shared. John is lost for a moment. Lost in all the peace and tranquillity that her presence brought to him. “Marlena…..marlena….”
“I’m here. Shhh….I’m here.”
John lifts his head. His sleepy gaze blurred and indistinct. “Doc?” he whispers.
“Yeah honey.” Squatting next to him, Marlena caresses his face and gazes at him lovingly. “You were dreaming.”
He squeezes his eyes tight and opens them again to her sweet smile. Overcome with emotion, he engulfs her in his arms holding her tightly.
Marlena closes her eyes against his shoulder, struggling to stifle the cry that wants to scream out in protest at the injustice of this horrific situation. She takes in every breath as if she must save his scent in her memory. Hot tears pour from her hazel eyes.
Finally they part, eyes red and teary. “What are you doing here so late?” John manages to ask.
“I needed to see you. I needed to hear your voice…needed you to hold me.” Marlena presses her lips together as the tears start again. “We have to talk,” she finally chokes out.
“I know.” John blinks away the tears, biting his jaw and fighting to be strong. He reaches up and pads away a tear from her cheek, giving her a stoic and sad smile.
~~~
“Dance with me.” John stands from the couch where they have been sitting for the last hour. Crying, holding each other in the midst of honest, raw admission of the truth. Deep down they both knew what the truth was. John had reluctantly admitted that he was slowly resigning to the fact that he was not Roman Brady. Marlena knew it and although neither wanted it to be true, they agreed that moving on was what had to happen. Moving on without each other.
Marlena stares at him, a tiny smile on her lips. She holds her hand out for him to take. “What shall we dance too?” she asks quietly as his strong arms pull her to her feet and engulf her in this very familiar feeling.
“Our music.” John whispers against her ear, swaying gently back and forth.
“How do we do this?” she cries as they move almost weightlessly about the room. “How do I not love you?”
“We gotta be brave baby….gotta be strong for each other.” John whispers through his tears.
Long pauses of loving silence mix with their moments of sorrowful conversation.
“Don’t stop…..don’t ever stop…..hold me forever.” Marlena whispers, wrapping her arms tightly around him as he spins her slowly around. The feeling of his arms, his breath against her skin, making her drunk. The emotion between them, the unspoken words, the love, the warmth of their bodies melding together as the room moves freely as a carousel, they hold each other until morning.
~The End~
The Jarlena Journal 