She walked into the penthouse, the lights dim and discreet in the elaborately decorated foyer. Throwing her bag onto the table along with her keys, Marlena Evans sat down, kicking her shoes off with ease. It had been a horrifically long day, with a constant dilemma always nagging in her direction. Three patients had canceled and although relieved at first, the paper work kept flying in. New charts to look over, extra notes to be taken. It was all she could do at six o’clock not to run out of there and head home. But she was alone now, needing the silence to regain her peace of mind. Belle was away for the weekend with Shawn and John had yet another business meeting to attend too.
Smiling to herself, she gathered her shoes in her arms and was about to head upstairs when she found the door to the balcony slightly ajar. Baffled, she walked quietly over to the door, not noticing at first the still form of her stepson who sat outside. It was only until she heard a small sniffle, that she opened the door further, allowing the crisp summer air to wash over her. She watched him for a moment, permitting the silence to envelope them both. He looked so alone … so lost in his thoughts, so lost in the world that stood before him. Not wanting to bother him, but fearing leaving him like this, she sat down upon the lawn chair that was placed next to his.
Neither spoke at first, the only sounds heard were those of the outside world. The wind tiptoed past them, the slight bustle of cars creating a distant humming. Brady glanced upwards at Marlena, wondering if he should say anything. No one had known yet … not even Belle, but he knew if he didn’t discuss it it might very well kill him.
“Marlena?” he asked softly.
She looked over at him, smiling genuinely. “Yeah?”
“Are you scared to die?”
Startled by his question, Marlena’s eyes widened. “Brady, what’s wrong?” she asked, her voice wavering with trepidation.
He looked away from her, glancing back up into the starry night. The sky glittered with golden light captured only by the deep blue air above them. It was as if staring at it long enough would let you gaze deep into heaven. He answered her then, still not looking at her. His voice captured deep emotion as he allowed himself to cry to the one woman who had eased his tears when he was a young child.
“I went to the hospital this afternoon,” he began, his voice airy. “I had borrowed some weights from the hospital and I promised Carl, I would return them before the weekend. I was on my way out and I ran into Dr. Wesley … he seemed a wreck. Like … like I don’t know. Just that something wasn’t right you know?”
Marlena nodded her head, continuing to stay silent through his heartbreaking confession.
“My mind immediately went to Chloe. I knew she hadn’t been feeling well lately. We all tried to just shrug it off as the flu, but I knew … I knew it wasn’t that. I let myself believe it was though … so I took Craig aside and I asked him. His eyes, they were so … broken. So I asked him again and he told me something which I think I always knew deep down … Marlena, Chloe has cancer … she has leukemia.”
Eliciting a gasp, Marlena sat back upon the chair, her hand stifling her mouth. She had known something was wrong with Chloe. She had seen her at graduation … her eyes no longer sparkling, her pallor a mere shade of white. But like Brady, like everyone, they had ignored it and prayed it was only what it first appeared to be … a case of the flu that just did not want to fade.
“Brady, I’m … I’m sorry,” she whispered, unsure of the words that she could say that would somehow heal his heart.
Brady nodded his head, knowing no words needed to be said. Nothing could change what his heart felt … nothing could change the knot that had been in his stomach since he first heard the news … nothing but Chloe’s good health.
“Can I ask you something else?” he asked, cautiously.
“Sure, what is it?”
“My mother … can you tell me about her? I … I wouldn’t normally ask you. I know it’s not exactly a subject you’re up to talking about and maybe I even understand why. I just … Dad isn’t here and …”
“I know,” she cut in, patting his knee lightly. “Your mother … she was … she was a wonderful person. I will admit there were times in which we didn’t get along. She was … she was jealous in a lot of ways of your father and I,” she said, afraid to see Brady’s reaction to her words. But he just sat there, staring at her and smiling, anticipating more. “But she loved him. She loved him more than anything in her lifetime … before you of course. When she found out she was pregnant with you, she was so elated. She wanted to have a boy so he could grow up like his father, big and strong, and the hero John Black was so boldly known for. A couple of months after you were born, Isabella found out she was sick, and she came to me. She knew how much I adored you and she knew how much I loved your father … and she asked me to watch over the two of you while you were gone. During her last months with you, she did everything in her power to hold you close. She sang to you all the time, held you long after you fell asleep. She loved you so much, Brady,” Marlena said softly, not bothering to hide the tears evident in her eyes.
“Did you do that? Watch over us I mean, after she was gone.”
She smiled at him, wistfully taking notice of the vulnerable tone that had taken over his voice. “Yes … your father was going to leave Salem. He had boarded the plane and had planned to go far away. I couldn’t let him do that. I needed him here and … and I needed you here,” she stated, honestly. “If you were to leave, I would never see you grow up. I would never see you walk, I would never hear your first word. You might not have been my son, Brady, but I loved you. I loved you so much more than your father realized, than anyone realized. I had promised your mother I would watch over the two of you and I kept that promise. You came to live with me a little while later. We had so much fun,” she smiled in remembrance.
Brady smiled as well, nodding his head. “I remember … I would come home from kindergarten and you would make me peanut butter and jelly. You would ask me how my day was and I would totally ignore you … I was to busy scarfing down my food,” he laughed. “But you never cared. You watched me. I never let on that I knew but I did … you just stared at me and you smiled. And then I would smile because I knew you loved me. I guess … I guess I always knew,” he replied, regret lying somewhere behind his words.
Knowing just what he meant, Marlena didn’t say anything, allowing the silence to once again shy away their voices. Brady looked up at Marlena again, this time turning his entire body to face her. He looked at her longingly wondering why for so long he had hated her. She hadn’t done anything … she wasn’t trying to take away what Isabella was to him … she was only trying to cherish him with the motherly love he was missing and so obviously deserved.
“Did you hate me? I mean when I came back from college … did you?” he asked curiously, his cobalt eyes soft, his voice wavering with deep emotion.
Sighing, Marlena gazed at him. “Brady, do you remember when I came back from Africa? It was the first time you had been home in what seemed like years and I was so excited to see you. But you weren’t interested. You came and went and didn’t want to see me. As time went on, things progressively got worse. You didn’t want my help and you blamed me for things in which I never did wrong. I know you think that I told you about your mother because I didn’t want you as my son, but Brady, it was never like that. I just felt you deserved to know Isabella. But my God, Brady, I loved you … I loved you more than you would ever know. When you began to call me … when the names started, I was hurt. I was angry. All I ever wanted was to love you and I felt like I had failed as a mother. But despite it all, Brady, I never, ever hated you. I hated the things you had said and I hated the way you were treating me, but no matter what, I loved you. I know I am not a saint in this situation. I know I blamed you with what went on with Belle on the train tracks that night and to this day and for always, I will blame myself for the accident that left you paralyzed. I was … I was irrational. I let my love for Belle blind myself of the love I had for you. I am so sorry for that, Brady. I am so terribly sorry. Despite my anger, I would *never* intentionally hurt you. But I know I did and I apologize. With all of my heart,” she finished, tears pooling her hazel eyes.
“So I guess it’s my turn,” he laughed, lightly. “Deep down in my heart, I loved you. But when I came back, on the surface, I … I hated you. It was wrong of me, I know that now. I was angry. For no real reason except that I was an angry young adult who missed the comfort of childhood. I felt as if you didn’t care about me anymore. I was sent away while Belle, your golden child, got to stay here receiving all the love and adoration, from you and Dad. I love Belle with all of my heart but I was so jealous of her. As for the name calling, I don’t know how I could have done that. Looking back on it now, I find it almost preposterous that I could have called you a slut, a whore, and a bitch.”
Hiding his head down in shame, he lightly rubbed his finger over his eyebrow, clearing his throat. “Looking back on it all now, it seems almost like a fantasy. Like my character and my demeanor was completely rearranged. I began as a sweet innocent child, becoming an angry irrational teenager, until finally maturing into an adult who never fully realized his mistakes … until you took the first step. First with the picture of my mother and then with the gray hulk. After that all the pain and anger seemed to have subsided, yet there was still one problem …”
“And what was that?” Marlena asked, softly.
He looked at her, his face innocent like that of a child’s. He reached across the chair, holding her hand tightly within his own. “We went on as if nothing was wrong. We acted as if the past was never an issue and we never resolved the feelings that still must have been haunting the both of us. You did your part for tonight, Marlena. You apologized and now it is my turn. I am sorry. I am sorry for the times I treated you as a martyr. I am sorry for not believing in your love. And I am sorry I never apologized before now. My mother asked you to look out for me because she knew you would love me and despite the actions of the past, I know you still do. Thank you.”
“For what?” Marlena asked surprised.
“You didn’t give up. Even when you should have, you didn’t. Chloe’s like that with me,” he responded softly, the subject shifting back to the tear that had begun to rip his heart.
“Then this is your chance to pay her back,” she spoke. “Don’t give up on her. You need to learn, Brady, that love … love is everlasting. Despite the problems you may face, despite the fears you may have … despite that anger that seems so strong … love will always set you free … it will always be the best medicine that the world has to offer,” she said philosophically.
“How did you know I love her?” he breathed.
“Because I have eyes,” Marlena teased, only half joking. She stood up, walking a couple of inches to where he sat. Sitting down next to him, she caressed the flesh of his unshaven chin. “And because that is how your father looks at me … and how he looked at your mother.”
“Really?” he asked, his eyes wild with emotion.
“Really,” she whispered.
Silence once again took hold of their voices as they stared at one another. It was a feeling of peace that had washed over both of them. A feeling that had put them both to rest with the past. The mistakes were no longer what mattered. The apologizes were spoken for and the horror of the past would not be forgotten but without a doubt forgiven.
Marlena stared at him, her hand never leaving the beauty of his face. “I love you, Brady,” she choked out, the tears taking hostage her voice. “And again, I am sorry.”
She let her hand fall into the air, her pointer finger closing in on her lips to stifle her tears. She had needed this moment to come … the moment where she knew once and for all the anger was no longer present.
Nodding his head, Brady once again smiled. “I know,” he whispered, “me too.”
She hadn’t expected him to say it. He hadn’t since he was younger and she knew despite the breakthrough of the night, he still wasn’t ready. In time, it would come. In time all the access wounds would heal and she would hear it … she would hear her youngest son say the words her heart so desperately needed to hear. But it was he who interrupted her thoughts, his voice filled with a passion and love she had so obviously missed.
“I love you too, Mom,” he whispered, tears dabbing the corners of his cerulean orbs.
He let his arms wrap around her in a way he had never before, even as a child. His grip on her was that of a scared child … of a boy who only needed his mother. It was then they both sent the same silent prayer to a star that belonged to their angel … a prayer of gratitude, a prayer of loyalty, and a prayer of love.
The End
The Jarlena Journal 