Marlena walked quietly through the crowds at Salem Place. While she smiled to those she knew her heart felt so heavy and she was close to tears.
She found herself stopping in front of the Crystal Castle, where the children were all lined up to take photos with Santa and to tell him of their secret wishes for the holiday.
As memories of being with her family washed over her, she heard the soloist of the wandering choral group who were making the rounds of the mall for charity begin to sweetly sing. The clarity of the soprano mixed with the chill in the air combining to produce the shivers that ran up her spine.
Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee.
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies
“I got all I dreamt of and the hardships that I went through to get them have made them all the more sweeter. But I never dreamt that I would be alone at Christmas time.”
Well I’m all grown-up now
And still need help somehow.
I’m not a child
But my heart still can dream
For months, she began to wish and dream for her life before the sub. When she and John had nothing more pressing than to either stay in the room or go explore.
So here’s my lifelong wish.
My grown-up Christmas list
She began to do more work for her charities, so that she would be up late. Avoiding dreaming was something that she was getting very good at since the separation.
Not for myself
But for a world in need
She poured her grief and anger into helping those less fortunate than her and her little ones. The little ones who couldn’t understand that she had chose this, rather than live a lie with a man that while she KNEW, didn’t really know.
She had tried to keep things together for Brady and Belle, who for weeks after the separation still cried out at night for her daddy.
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts.
She could see that hope in John’s eyes each time he would pick up the children. She had to find ways not to look at him or even BE there when he would come over. She tried to obliterate all traces of him in the Penthouse and failed when she realized that it would take the last traces of John when the children needed him most.
Everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end.
Her gaze fell to the rings on her hand. With her other hand, she covered the rings and wished it had been John’s hand on hers.
This is my grown-up Christmas list
A line from one of the children’s books came to mind. “I love you forever, I like you for always.”
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
“Daddy, when I grow up to be as big as you, can I marry Mommy?” John chuckled as he scooped up his son. “Well no, you can’t marry Mommy. But you can marry someone as wonderful as Mommy.”
He looked at Marlena, who was cradling a sleepy Belle. “You see Brady, Mommy’s one of a kind.”
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
“Love is the greatest gift to which God hath given.” Marlena smiled.
“You sound like your reading me another poem.” He smiled and watched as she rolled over in his arms. “The poem is an original and was created by the love that you and I have.” She grinned and leaned up to claim his lips.
Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal a hurting human soul
She stopped reliving memories of Christmases past and went into the Gift Box. After she had found what she was looking for and quickly made the purchase. “It’s lovely.” Marlena smiled. “Well I think so, but its up to him to decide if he thinks it is.”
As she came out of the store, she banged into someone.
“I’m SO sorry.” She lifted her packages and felt his hand steadying her.
“It’s okay, I’ll take you any way that I can get you.”
Looking up, she rolled her eyes. “Hello there, glad to see our time apart has done NOTHING to help your terrible sense of humor.”
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts.
“Well you’re smiling. Considering up until a week ago, you’d have NOTHING to do with me.” He wrapped an arm around her, leading her away from the store. “I’m taking this as a good sign.”
Everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
“Awfully optimistic my love.” He grinned. “Christmas always does this to me. Don’t tell me you forgot this.”
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up Christmas list
She smiled and suddenly blushed. “I bought you something.” She began to stammer, which sent John into belly laughs. “I’ve never seen this side of you before.” Marlena gritted her teeth. “And if you don’t stop laughing at me, you’ll never see it again.”
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts.
He stepped forward and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I’ve missed this.” She nodded. “And you.” She felt dizzy as his hand made contact with her cheek. “I’ve missed you too. John, I want you to come home.”
Everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
He smiled. “I’ve waited for what seems like forever to hear you say that.” She thrust out the package to him. “As you seemed to enjoy saying to me for years. John, open the box.”
And love would never end.
As he studied the ring, she smiled. “Read the inscription.” He squinted, then smiled. “Here’s to love never ending.” He pulled her to him for a kiss. “I love you Doc.”
This is my grown-up Christmas list
(sung by Amy Grant)
The Jarlena Journal 