How short the distance from Paradise to Waterloo
Had I only known the cost of it, the price I now must pay
If only I could have foreseen the pain we’d all feel today
I’d never have taken this foolish journey toward Waterloo…..
Little Belle kept going over and over it in her mind… They were both so upset about what had happened right before they left…. Brady was saying that he didn’t think their Daddy cared about them very much anymore and she didn’t like it. Brady said it was because their Daddy didn’t spend much time with them and she was angry at him for saying such a thing, even though she’d been feeling neglected too. She just didn’t want to admit it. Besides, this time her Daddy had come to her defense and she couldn’t be mad at him for that, could she? After all, their father had only yelled at Brady because he was teasing her again, running off with her dolly that way. They argued and started pushing each other… and that was when it happened…
Brady lost his balance and went tumbling off the jungle gym, his head glancing off the metal fireman’s pole on the way down. As she watched the paramedics loading her brother’s injured unconscious body onto the stretcher, she began to cry harder than ever before, feeling totally to blame for what happened, “Momma… it’s all my fault… we were argubating and I pushed him… then he tripped and fell off the climbing toy… I’m so sorry Mommy! I didn’t mean to hurt, Brady… honest I didn’t!”
“Oh sweety….. it isn’t your fault,” Marlena said hugging the weeping preschooler, her attention divided. She wanted to go with Brady in the emergency vehicle, but knew she needed to take Belle with her in the car. Watching the ambulance start to pull away from the curb, Marlena refocused on Belle, who was very upset by the ordeal, “Now why don’t you tell me what you were fighting about, honey. I can see how upset you are.”
Between her sobs, she recounted the story, “Well… you remember when Daddy.. yelled at Brady.. this morning… about teasing me… with my dolly…. When we got to daycare…. he said he… didn’t think Daddy… loved us anymore.. so I said he did… Then we got in a big fight about it. We started pushing each other… I bumped my arm and I got real mad.. Then I pushed Brady…. and… he..he tripped and then he fell off….I tried to catch him, but I couldn’t… I’m so sorry, Momma…. I shouldn’t have been pushing… specially up so high. I’m so sorry Mommy!” Belle was distraught, nearly inconsolable and it was all Marlena could do to provide some measure of comfort to her when she was so worried for Brady’s life.
Her heart was aching for both of the children, as she spoke quietly and kindly to her little girl, while holding her tight to her body, “Oh.. honey… Come here… I know you didn’t mean to hurt Brady… Mommy still loves you… and so does Daddy.” In her mind she was drawing a completely different conclusion, ‘No, you’re not to blame, Belle, but I know who is….’
It seemed as though her life and the lives of her children were unravelling, spiralling wildly out of control into a place of darkness and there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop it at this very moment. It was all so surreal, as if she were not herself, as if she were outside the situation making decisions without feeling… for if she allowed herself to feel something she would explode with raging anger and bitter frustration at the hand fate was dealing her, all because of one man’s obsession… There had been more than enough of that concept in her life and now she had traded one man with that propensity for another. From Stefano Dimera to John Black….. Where would it end? And, would she ever capture those elusive dreams and have her ‘happily ever after’?
It was strange how she knew that in the moment she saw him she would erupt like the sleepy volcano that everyone thought lay forever dormant. Instinctively, she knew that it would be so incredibly satisfying in ways she couldn’t full comprehend. But not now… Now, she had to be calm and rational and think clearly, to make a good decision on behalf of her little angel babies… the children created in love, the children he spoke about as if they were his whole world… but who in reality had been left by the wayside, over and over, and over again. ‘NO MORE!’ she was screaming inside her mind. No more would he treat them as an afterthought… like a hungry dog that was waiting for table scraps to feed its aching belly. No… this was the proverbial last straw and he was going to hear it all. For the first time, Marlena Evans was going to be completely honest about her feelings, with disregard for those of her fiance. If he felt like dirt… that would be too good for him at the moment. He was in desperate need of a wake up call and it was damn well time he got it. If this didn’t do it, nothing would…
Her heart ached with nearly unbearable sadness to consider it might not be enough.. so thoroughly engrossed was he in this quest for answers. How sad he would sacrifice the love and affection of a woman who had given everything she had just to be with him, in favor of a mere stranger, who said she knew him in some distant forgotten past life, a life that had no real bearing on the present. She had tried to understand it, to support him… but he had taken it way too far this last few weeks with the ultimate result being his little boy was badly injured and in need of surgery and the father who said he loved his child so deeply was nowhere to be found when it came time to give consent.
Feeling a hand upon her shoulder, Marlena snapped back to attention, her present so much worse than her darkest, most cruel nightmare……..
Mike Horton was trying to be understanding, but time was of the essence….. “Marlena…. I know you wanted to talk to John first… I’m sorry but we just can’t wait any longer… We have to operate now or Brady could die. Even though you’re not married yet, you *are* still sharing legal joint custody… aren’t you?”
Even after all that silent contemplation, Marlena was still so numb and stunned… How could this be happening? Finally, she managed to find some words, “Yes… I am.. we.. uh…we took care of that right after we returned from Aremid… I’ll sign the consent forms. I think it’s the right thing to do… Oh, please… tell me it’s the right thing to do Mike!” she pleaded, suddenly overcome by the enormity of the decision she was making without the boy’s father present. Where was he? Damn him… for doing this… Damn him for putting her in this position!’
“Marlena… I wouldn’t be asking this of you, if I didn’t think this procedure was the best possible chance for Brady. Yes, the surgery is risky, but we could lose him either way. Ultimately the decision is yours… yours and John’s, of course.” Mike was wondering where that man was… and he saw the pain in Marlena’s eyes for being left to handle such an important decision alone. This was John’s child, first and foremost and he was simply unavailable for some unknown reason, his cell phone either out of range or turned off, his beeper inaccessible. They’d called Titan, Alamain Industries, and The Toscano Foundation, left messages at all of those places, plus the Brady Pub and the Penthouse and there was no response to all attempts to reach him.
“Yes… well, he’s nowhere to be found, as usual lately..” she muttered under her breath as she scribbled her signature on the required forms. It felt like she was signing her little boy’s death warrant. And, maybe she felt that way because something else was dying a slow agonizing death. It was something she didn’t ever believe was possible…
She looked up from scribbling her name across the page, even as their child was being wheeled into the OR…He was practically waltzing down the corridor, arm in arm with Greta… a huge grin on his face… a smile that once warmed her heart and filled her soul like no other. Not this time.
He saw her and started toward her, still laughing, “Hey, Doc…we were just out for a little ride.. I thought you were going to be tied up with those visits to private schools…. What’s… ” He stopped mid-sentence and swallowed hard. There was a blazing fire in her eyes and if she’d been a dragon there would have been seering hot flames shooting straight at his heart. Marlena was more enraged than he had ever seen her and John knew all the way to his soul that it was all about his self absorbed behavior of late. Something important had happened and he was in great danger of losing everything he held dear, everything he had fought so hard for… everything that mattered in the ultimate sense.
John shut his eyes and took a deep breath, then sighed with mixed emotions, trepidation the strongest among them.. realizing that something very important was about to happen…. that something important had *already* happened and he’d missed it. In fact, he recognized from Marlena’s unforgivng countenance that she was now recalling how he’d missed a lot over the past few months and he knew he was going to hear her feelings about all of it in excruciating detail. His heart was seized with terror as he looked still closer at his fiance’s face. Not only was there anger in those eyes he loved so much, there was worry and sadness such as he hadn’t seen for a long time. “Marlena… what is it?” he asked quietly, stepping close enough to reach for her hand, which she summarily rejected, snatching it quickly out of his light grasp.
Glad she’d sent Belle off with one the candy stripers for some cocoa in the cafeteria, Marlena spat the words at him, “Well, did you have *fun,* John? “
Why would she bother asking that… Snapping out of his unpleasant reverie, John asked, “What?” feeling confused. Then he answered truthfully and started to ask a question, “Yes, actually… I did, but Doc..” She cut him off cold.
What followed were the words that pierced him to his soul, “Good.. I’m so glad.. because while you were out there… galavanting with Greta! While you were out having a *good* time, your son was fighting for his life after falling off the climbing toy at daycare!”
It took a long while for her shocking bitterly angry retort to penetrate his defenses, “Oh, My God! Doc…. is he…”
The pain and fear were right there behind the anger and she had to work to contain the swell of emotions and force back the tears, “He’s in surgery right now, John. I had to sign the consent forms because YOU were no where to be found! We called all over town… we tried your pager, your cell phone… but we couldn’t reach you, so I had to make the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make… I just made a choice that could mean your son’s life, and you weren’t there, John!!”
Everything she didn’t say was lurking in the shadows… hanging there on the edge of her tongue and in his mind. This was just one more time when he hadn’t been there for her, when he’d chosen his own needs, when he’d been with someone else instead of being available for her and their children. He knew that this time there would be no forgiveness, no understanding or capitulation, and he could lose his little boy in the process of learning a gutwrenching lesson about misplaced priorities.
“Oh my God! Why? What….. wh… what happened?” he asked through trembling lips, the reality beginning to penetrate slightly.
It was all she could do to remain calm enough to tell the story without ripping his heart out for what he’d done to their children. Belle was guilt ridden when her own father was ultimately responsible for her brother’s injuries. “Belle said that… she and Brady got into an argument…. they started pushing each other and Brady lost his balance and fell to the ground, hitting his head on the fireman’s pole on the way down. Do you want to know why they were fighting, John?” she asked, fiercely, making him ask.
“Of course… Please, tell me, Doc!” he demanded, his frustration and anxiety increasing as the moments passed.
For the first time in all the years she had known John, she exploded on him, screaming at him like he’d never seen her yell at anyone in all the years he’d known her, “BECAUSE OF YOU!! They were fighting because of what you’ve done to them, John…. because of all your broken promises…. because Brady said he didn’t… think you loved them anymore and Belle defended you…. They were arguing about whether their OWN FATHER LOVED THEM!!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, her eyes full of raging anger mixed with the fear of losing the little boy she loved so much…. all because of this man’s selfishness and obsessive need for answers about his past.
John was speechless… and the pain of being responsible for what happened was overpowering. His heart was filled with dread and guilt and an unbearable aching sensation. After a subjective eternity had passed, he spoke in whispers, “Oh my God… Oh… my…God! I’m so sorry…. Oh, Brady…. ” he said as tears of remorse and fear suddenly formed behind his once sparkling eyes. Shaking his head, he could think of nothing else to say, nothing else to do. His precious little boy could be dying and it was all his fault.
She watched with morbid fascination as he went through the stages of grief for what he had initiated, his eyes open wide, registering the horror of his misdeeds. First there was shock and then a very brief period of denial…. and the pain of acceptance. And, then there was the guilt… pure, unadulterated and very real guilt for the way he had neglected his fiance and children for several months. John averted his gaze, suddenly overcome by shame… and he plopped himself down unceremoniously on one of the bench style couches in the waiting area, burying his head in his hands. Instantly, he was bombarded with the haunting image of his children’s faces when he yelled at Brady earlier that day. “Oh… God… what have I done… What have I done?”
Marlena felt his pain as if it were her very own, but she would make no attempt to absolve him. Not this time. His son was lying on an operating table at Salem University Hospital, possibly dying…. and John was esentially to blame for the argument that led to this tragedy. She wanted him to face what his obsession was doing to their love, to their dreams of a life together, and most of all to face what it was doing to their innocent children who cared nothing of his undiscovered past.
His children needed him, the man that he had been before, the man who loved them above all others, the warm caring father who was there in the middle of the night when they cried after being awakened by a nightmare. They needed HIM, all of him…. heart, mind, body and soul… living in the moment, not this shadow man he had become in recent months… a man who danced in and out of their lives for fleeting moments in the morning and at bedtime, if then. They needed a father figure who would be there when they had questions about why the sky was blue and how many stars were in that sky at night and when they had just mastered a new skill, when they were excited and when they were angry or sad. They needed their Daddy, and it didn’t matter what name he went by, who he knew or what he had done fifteen or twenty years earlier. All of that was simply irrelevant to their experience. It was inconsequential, but every moment he missed with them was one more memory he lost out on and now he was paying a very heavy price for what he had willingly sacrificed. So… Marlena stayed away and let him immerse himself in the agony of all those opportunities missed….
Finally, he looked up and asked the most logical question, “Marlena…. how bad is it?”
There was no hesitation and she answered in full fledged doctor mode, “Very bad, John… His head hit the fireman’s pole on the way down… He’s got a skull fracture and they’ve had to go in to relieve the pressure on his brain like they did with Will….” She stopped long enough for him to absorb it and follow where she was going. After a pause, she continued to give him details, “He could… die on the operating table, he could go into a coma and stay there, he could live through it but.. have significant brain damage, or he could come out it just fine and go on to have a full recovery. Right now, there’s no way of knowing which way it will go. We just have to pray and hope for the best when it’s over.”
Again, there was only silence for long moments afterward as John labored to fully grasp what he’d been told and digest it both mentally and emotionally. His son could die or suffer permanent brain damage… Abruptly, John stood up as if to leave… not saying anything right away. He looked over at his fiance with the most shameful expression she’d ever seen, the tears poised to fall down like rain. All he could manage was a very weak, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.. ” and then he turned and walked away shaking his head, moving in the direction of the chapel to pray. She wanted to reach out to him, to tell him that it was going to be allright, that Brady would recover and they’d talk about it all… that they were still going to make all their dreams come true. But she was still so angry with him and so worried about Brady….
Rather than chase after him, Marlena let him go it alone….. Maybe that was what John needed for a little while…. to be truly alone with this excruciating pain…
Greta stood back observing the entire scene… but wisely stayed out of it completely. She hated to have the little boy hurt so terribly, but she was glad of John’s company earlier in the day. She did care about what happened to Brady and she wanted to say something about it to both of his parents. However, she knew better than to approach Marlena at this moment and Greta also knew that following John down the hallway would be a big mistake. Instead, she headed into the lounge across the hall to await the news of the boy’s condition.
John made his way slowly down the corridors of the hospital, external reality swiftly fading from view. All he could see were his children… Brady fighting for his life on an operating room table, images of his little boy falling as he envisioned the fall he’d suffered.. the fear on both children’s faces as he apologized for yelling at Brady. The anger in Marlena’s eyes…. it was so intense… like he’d never seen before…. and he knew there was a hefty price to be paid for his actions in recent weeks. Somehow the only thing that mattered was Brady’s life. If he lost Marlena as a result of his self absorbed behavior… so be it, but Brady didn’t deserve to suffer… for his father’s sins. ‘If only there were a way to trade places,’ John mused, wishing he had the power to make it happen.
Finally, he arrived at the small chapel and entered it reverantly, yet suddenly feeling unworthy of being in God’s presence after the way he’d neglected the people he was supposed to protect and love above all others. He’d broken all of his promises to do just that, in favor of his obsessive need to learn about his past and in spending time with Greta, whom John believed would eventually be the catalyst for him to recall most of his missing years.
Dropping to his knees at the altar, he folded his hands, bowed his head and prayed with anguished tears in his eyes… tears of sorrow and regret. Through emotion choked breaths he asked for divine intervention in his life, “Oh, dear God… only you can make things right, I know that. Please….. I ask you… take care of my little boy… I’m so sorry for what I’ve done… I didn’t… realize the damage I was doing to the kids… to Marlena…. with this… STUPID search of mine… and now… my little Slugger… .is in there… fighting for his life. I’m SO sorry! Please, God… Save him…… save him and take me! If someone has to die…. let it be me, Lord.. Let it be ME!!” he cried, feeling more frightened and helpless than he had in all the life he could recall. How would he ever learn to live with himself if Brady died because of his behavior?
“No, John…. it doesn’t work that way….and you know it. God doesn’t exact punishment like that.”
John whirled around to face the person who had uttered those words, not too surprised to see that it was Caroline Brady… a woman who had seen him through some extremely difficult moments with her steadfast faith in God’s goodness and mercy. A quiet acknowledgement of her presence, “Caroline…” was all he said in response.
“John…. I’m sorry for what happened and I want you to know… I care very much for you and Brady… and Marlena and Belle. This isn’t your fault… but I do think you might… learn something from this.”
He countered immediately, “It *is* my fault… I’m sure Marlena told you the story by now.. didn’t she?” he asked, figuring Marlena was venting her anger and fear to whomever was available and emotionally close to her.
“No.. she didn’t but I could tell how she feels… John she’s angry and very frightened for Brady right now… but she’s also afraid for you… and for herself, and Belle. She’s afraid of what you’ll find.. she hates what this is doing to you… how involved you are with Greta… She’s concerned about all of it, not to mention Sami’s situation.”
“I know… and I understand it now… She blames me for what happened, Caroline… I’ve never seen her so enraged before, but.. she won’t even talk to me… She has so much to say, but she won’t because she’s afraid of what might happen if she does.” Shaking his head and sighing forlornly, he added, his voice shaking with fear, “I don’t know if she’ll ever.. forgive me for this… And if.. he….if Brady…” John paused and put the back of his right hand over his mouth and shut his eyes, unable to say it out loud and was thankful that his adoptive mother contradicted him without needing him to finish the sentence.
Squeezing her son’s free hand, she stated her firm belief, “No, John… don’t let yourself think that way. We need to have faith that Brady will come out of this and eventually be allright… You pray for him now… and you learn what God has to teach you through this experience. Listen to his wisdom, John..”
With a lump in his throat and quivering lips, he told her he would, “Yea…. I will… Thanks…. Mom.” He stood there, hanging his head in shame…. still wishing it were him on the operating table instead of his little boy… and yet feeling so very grateful for this mother figure who loved him in spite of all his faults. “Thank you… so much.. your faith.. and your support…. they mean so much to me…” he finally said as a lone tear found its way out the corner of his right eye. He was looking up just a little so that Caroline could see his sincerity and the depth of feeling he had for her.
She stepped closer and then without asking, drew him into a firm hug….. nestling her tiny frame up against his much larger one and saying softly, her own tears flowing freely, “I love you, John…. you’re my son and I’ll *always* be here for you… and Marlena and the children… no matter what happens next.”
He nodded and settled into the warm embrace, feeling comforted in ways he couldn’t begin to describe by her unconditional love for him. Tears began to trickle out of two sets of eyes as they held each other a little tighter, praying for divine intervention to save the tiny patient in the operating room a few hundred yards away.
Marlena didn’t know what to do with herself at the moment, terrified for Brady, and hurt and so very angry with John. She wanted to yell at him, to break him… to make him feel all that she was feeling, to make him realize what he had been sacrificing for his precious quest. It was as if in the instant she learned of Brady’s accident, all the questions about his commitment and devotion to her and the children, all the disturbing thoughts and emotions she hadn’t allowed herself to dwell on were there inside her and screaming to be expressed. Chances were he was getting at least part of it at this point, now that their son’s life was in jeopardy.
It was nearly impossible to comprehend how it came to be that she could question her love for him, when she had nary a doubt for so many years. She loved John Black with all her heart and soul and she wondered how he could have changed so much and why he was so obsessed with learning about his past when everything they’d dreamed of was right there in front of them. Now those dreams could be dying… as indeed Brady might be.
She reviewed it all in her mind…. it had begun way back during the summer when Hope began having a few isolated memory flashes and strange experiences with talents or abilities she didn’t know were there. When he went with her to Europe to help with the research into her life as Gina… that was the beginnning… and then Greta’s arrival sealed the deal. John was immersed in the concept of recapturing his past… and began to neglect his fiance and children. It started gradually… subtly, and she didn’t notice it much at first, but the problems were becoming worse over time, ultimately leading to this crisis situation and the confrontation that could no longer be avoided.
Seeing Marlena in so much pain and not be able to be there for her was nearly unbearable for Roman Brady… but he stood back and held his tongue…. Whatever was happening.. it was up to Marlena and John to settle it. It wasn’t his job to be worried for her anymore. Abe was approaching the scene and saw the look on his buddy’s face…. “Hey, Roman….he said, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder from behind. “You still love her.. don’t you?” he added quietly as he dropped the hand and stepped up next to his good friend.
With a long tired sigh, Roman told the truth… there was no sense in denying it, “Yea… and I think I always will, Abe,” he said still looking at her and pondering what might have been. Then he snapped back to reality and turned toward his friend to respond more fully, “I hate what all this is doing to her… she’s so upset and I want to be there for her… I can’t even believe this is happening… all this with Sami and now Brady…. When’s it going to end, partner?”
“I wish I knew….” Abe said with a sigh to match Roman’s. Then it occurred to him that his other close friend was nowhere to be seen, “Hey…where’s John?” he asked, looking all around the waiting area.
“I’m not sure…. Marlena and he… they had a… fight… No, it wasn’t really a fight…. I don’t know what to call it, but the truth is… Marlena blames John for what happened. She yelled at him and he didn’t have much to say for himself… He said he was sorry and went off down the hall… probably to the chapel.”
“Yea.. that makes sense… Roman, but why does she blame John for Brady’s accident at school?”
“Because Belle and Brady were arguing… I guess John yelled at Brady for teasing Belle this morning and the two of them were fighting about whether or not John loved them anymore… since he’s been so.. caught up with his past. Apparently, they were pushing and shoving and Brady fell off the climbing structure. Marlena’s very angry and frightened out of her mind and she railed on him right in front of the nurse’s station over there… It was quite a scene….”
“Oh.. Roman… that’s terrible… so what’s happening with Brady? How bad are his injuries?”
“It looks pretty bleak, Abe.. he’s got a serious brain injury and he’s in surgery right now to relieve the pressure… like they had to do with Will. We haven’t heard much else… but it sounded like there were some internal injuries too… and some broken bones. “
Another sad sigh escaped Abe’s lips and he lifted up a silent prayer… ‘Please God… take care of that precious little boy and don’t let this tear John and Marlena apart… help them find a way to heal the rift.’
As he concluded the prayer, Abe looked up and saw his friend walking down the corridor, his head tilted downward as if he were ashamed of himself. A gathering of friends and family watched with a combination of fascination and concern as John approached Marlena.
She was standing there trying not to cry, a few feet from the double doors that led into the operating rooms…. He came up from her right side… speaking nearly inaudibly… “Marlena… I think we need to talk…”
Marlena wouldn’t even look at him…. and she said only one word, “No…”
Believing that it was imperative, he tried again. “But, Doc… we…” he started to say; however, she cut him off before he could finish the thought.
“John…. I’m too upset right now…. If we talk now… I’m going to say some things that… “
That time, he completed her sentence, filling the air when she paused momentarily, “Things you might regret later? Marlena, I can see that you’re very angry with me…. and it’s obvious you blame me for what happened to my son.”
“OUR son… John, our son!” she corrected strongly, whirling around to face him…. the anger flaring that quickly, that easily.
Glad to see some emotion in her face and fire in her eyes, he nodded and then said calmly, “Yes… I’m sorry.. our son. So, if you have some things to say to me, I think you should say them now, angry or not. I’m guessing we should have had this conversation long before something like this happened.”
Feeling so frustrated in herself and disappointed with him, she agreed wholeheartedly, prepared for the inevitable, “Yes… you’re right… we should have, John…. We should have had it weeks ago, maybe even months.”
After a long pause in which he considered exactly what he had done to spark such ire and contempt from her, he made a suggestion, “Allright then… at least we agree on something. Where do you want to go?”
“My office… we’ll have the privacy we need there. Let me just.. make sure Sami and Eric can stay with Belle for a little while longer.”
John nodded without saying anything further, a mournful sigh escaping his mouth as he imagined all the condemning words he was about to hear come from her lips. While she was gone, he stood there immobile, just staring through the small windows in the double doors, conjuring up a vision of Mike Horton or some other surgeon coming down the hall to tell him that the surgery went perfectly and his little boy was going to be allright. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen that way.
After a few moments, Marlena returned… “It’s allright, I’ve left word with the family and the nurses… they’ll come and get us if there’s any news.” She couldn’t quite look at him… and he didn’t push it… not wanting to see in her face just how much damage he had done to her, and to their relationship.
Again, all John did was nod his head and follow her as she turned and started off in the direction of her office. There were no words for times like these and he thought it best to remain quiet until she had said her piece. The silence was almost unbearable, for it meant the problems between them were very serious… There had never come a time when they didn’t talk, when they couldn’t comfort each other, especially during a tragedy like this one. They had always been there for each other in times of trouble and it wounded each of them to the core to acknowledge that it might not happen that way this time, that when they most needed the seemingly indestructible bond they always shared, it might not be there.
Their friends were very worried for them… Lexie was on rounds and was just hearing about Brady… “Abe… what’s going on between John and Marlena… they seem so… distant from each other.. so sad…. and not just about Brady…” she said as she watched the couple walking slowly down the hall, not talking, not touching, not even looking at each other.
Abe sighed again… “Oh.. Lexie… it’s really bad… Marlena blames John because she feels he’s been neglecting her and the children, and the kids were arguing because of him.”
His wife picked up on what he didn’t say and shared her conclusion, “Oh, no… please don’t tell me you think they’re going to… break up over this… Not when they need each other so much,” she said with alarm, wondering how the couple could have gotten so far off track so quickly.
“I don’t know, Lex….but I wouldn’t be surprised at this point. Roman said she screamed at him and he hardly said a word… I guess they’re going to try to talk things out while Brady is in surgery.”
“Well, I’m going back down to the chapel to pray for everyone… Brady, John, Marlena.. and Sami. It’s the only thing that will really help them right now,” said Caroline, who had watched the interaction between the couple from afar. She would go on faith, believing God was the one true source of wisdom and comfort in times like these. The others nodded their agreement with her unspoken sentiments. One could never pray too much… was what their eyes said to one another.
In the next moment, Bo and Hope came rushing in… “Hey.. we just heard about Brady…. what’s going on.. Is there any news?”
“No… not yet… he’s still in surgery,” answered Shawn with a weary sigh that signified the countless number of times he and his wife had stood idly by while the life of someone they loved hung in the balance. The Brady patriarch had been conspicuously silent thus far, not knowing what to make of it all. He wanted his children to be happy and he had come to believe that John and Marlena belonged together. It was inconceivable how they could have grown so far apart without him knowing anything about it.
“Where are John and Marlena?” asked Hope, thinking of how close they came to losing Shawn Douglas only a few short weeks ago.
Roman jumped in to answer the next one, trying to decide which way he wanted it to go… wondering if he might ever have another chance… “We think they went down to Marlena’s office to talk things over… they’re having some.. problems…”
“Problems…. Roman..what kind of problems?” asked Bo, who had been worried recently about his chances of reclaiming happiness with Hope. Things had been so… up and down lately… and there was very little of which he was certain. The love John and Marlena shared was one of them. If they couldn’t make it… what chance did he and Hope have?
Abe and Roman looked to each other and since Roman had said it a couple of times already, Abe answered that one, “Marlena’s angry because he’s been neglecting her and the children… because of being so wrapped up in his past…. He yelled at Brady this morning…. then Belle and Brady were arguing about whether John loves them and Brady fell off the climbing toy. He hit his head on the way down.”
“And, Marlena blames John for that?” asked a frustrated Carrie… who had also just gotten the news of Brady’s accident.
Abe spoke out, wishing he could tell them something different, “Yes, she does…. and apparently he didn’t even argue when she shouted at him about it… It’s pretty obvious… he’s devastated by the whole thing.”
“I’m sure they both are… it’s horrible,” said Hope, feeling simply awful about another family being thrown into turmoil.
“Oh… man.. how did it all get to be such a mess?” asked Bo sadly after thinking about it for a long second or two. He had to admit to himself… there were moments when he’d wondered if Marlena resented the time John was spending with Greta. The other couple was supposed to be planning a wedding and beginning their new life together as a family with Belle and Brady. But, all John seemed to think about lately was researching his past and finding out about the missing years. Part of him understood that need, and part of him wanted to side with Marlena. In much the same way… Bo was torn about Hope’s desire to fill in the gaps in her life… he wanted to support her, but at the same time he was concerned about what it might do to their relationship if she were successful. Bo acknowledged that he was probably the only one who could truly understand how Marlena was feeling and he decided that he would seek her out at an opportune moment to talk about their common experience of being the one to stand back and watch events unfolding in the lives of the people they loved most dearly.
Roman voiced the answer on all their minds. He still hated the fact that the monster had been granted a full pardon as a condition for saving his life. “In the long run… it’s because of Dimera…… Damn him for coming into all of our lives! He’s the one who set it all in motion.” Heads were nodding all around, no more words coming to mind at the moment. The gathering was about to break off into smaller groupings when they were startled by the sound of those double doors opening and closing. It was Mike Horton and he looked like a man on a mission, albeit a not so pleasant one. A collective sigh of worry was uttered and then after a moment’s pause, Lexie said quietly, “John and Marlena went down to her office to talk, Mike.”
Mike closed his eyes and nodded, then said after a discomfitted sigh, “Thank you… I’ll uh… go and talk with them and then I’ll come back here to explain the situation to all of you as well.”
Shawn Brady blew out a long breath he’d been holding and said, “Thank you, Mike…. we’ll all be here… you go on and talk with John and Marlena now. They need to be knowin’ what they’re facing.”
Again… Michael Horton nodded, but this time he didn’t say anything. He simply reached out to give Carrie’s hand a quick squeeze and a glance meant to reassure her in some small way, and then he turned away. Heading off toward Marlena’s office to tell the couple the results of their son’s surgery as well as his short and long term prognosis, he steeled himself for the task at hand. Sometimes, being a doctor was very difficult work indeed. This was most definitely one of those times
It was nearly impossible to believe it was real. Brady was on an operating room table, fighting for his life and John and Marlena were about to fight for their love, for the dreams that seemed to be swiftly fading into a distant unremembered past which meant nothing in the ultimate sense. That was the one thing upon which they might agree, if only they could see past the pain that sought to drag them down into the mire that lay in wait for them.
And, yet, in their hearts they couldn’t understand it. How could it ever have gone so far wrong? How could they possibly have come to the edge of a treacherous precipice such as this one? Neither knew what to say, or what to do.. and they couldn’t even look at each other as they stepped inside Marlena’s office. Marlena went toward the desk, John stood by the door… and the empty silence enveloped them like the moment of calm before a gathering storm.
John finally forced himself to glance toward Marlena and the word Tempest came to mind when he saw those fiery hazel eyes. Breathing an apprehensive sigh, he crossed his arms, shut his eyes and leaned against the door, waiting……
She couldn’t even bear to look at him. Marlena could hardly even see straight she was so upset, so confused, so hurt and angry with him. In her estimation, this tragic set of circumstances was the ultimate result of his selfish choices, which were hidden under the guise of supporting a young woman he barely knew. She wanted to yell and scream at him, to blame him, to break him down and make him suffer as she had been suffering. But, in her heart, she realized that was not who she was. Forcing herself to direct her gaze toward his dejected form, she became suddenly cognizant of just how much John was hurting too. He was scared for Brady, worried about the future of their love relationship and as full of sad remorse as she could ever recall seeing him. And the shame she saw in his once sparkling blue eyes was even worse than what she’d seen there in the moment the affair was revealed…..
Therefore, as much as she wanted to rip him to shreds for all his shortcomings, for all the mistakes she believed he had made, all it took was one look into those frightened downcast eyes and she knew she couldn’t do it. Not now, not when they were both so vulnerable, not when they needed each other so terribly to cope with what was happening to their beloved little boy. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she spoke to him at last, “John… “
“Doc… I know that…” They started to chuckle for but a second, and it was one of those rare moments when there was an intimate connection of souls. This time it was borne of great pain, great fear that was shared by two aching hearts. Following that, John and Marlena began to move at last, taking small steps at first, but instinctively they advanced toward each other, until they were standing only inches apart. They touched each other at shoulder level, prepared to embrace, but not quite ready to do so…..
There was an awkwardness they could not overcome until at last someone took the risk. John intuitively sensed that it had to be him. “Marlena… I was praying…. and thinking about what’s happened. I understand why you blame me for Brady’s accident and I… think you’re right. It’s my fault… I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve been..”
Matter of factly, she finished his sentence, “Obsessed…… you’ve been obsessed John.”
“Yes.. I guess I have, haven’t I? I’m sorry…” he started to say, but was cut off.
“Oh, you’re sorry….. you’re sorry! and that’s supposed to make it all better?” she asked, suddenly moving away from him again, wondering if there were any words that he could say which would make it any less difficult, any less painful.
Nervous and worried, he stumbled over his reply, “Well, no… of course, not. I realize… there’s a lot more to it than that.”
Hearing his lame attempts at an apology, she felt the anxiety and anger flare again, “Yes… there is, John… and I’m going to tell you…. I’m going to explain everything to you and then maybe you’ll understand what you’ve been doing.”
“Marlena….I…”
“No, John… you’re going to listen this time, you’re going to sit down and listen to me. Can you do that?”
There was no need for an answer, so John simply nodded and sat down, waiting for her to gather her thoughts together, realizing in this moment how much she’d been holding back from him. She was so hurt and angry and frightened, and she was going to let it all out this time.
“John… you’ve become so wrapped up in this search for answers that you’ve neglected almost everything else in your life… That’s not healthy for you and it’s very upsetting for me and especially for the children. John, they don’t know whether or not it’s because of them. All they know is that the Daddy they love more than anything else on this earth, the Daddy who made them so many promises about spending time with them, isn’t around much anymore. They don’t know what to think and they miss you… very much.”
“I realize that… and you can’t know how horrible I feel right now…. to think that Brady is lying on that table…. fighting for his life… because of me… because of my…focus on the past!”
Angry as she was, it broke her heart to see him so frightened and guilt ridden… “Oh, John… “
Grasping her shoulders again, he cried out in his guilt, “I’d trade places with him if I could, Doc… I swear I would!”
It was odd; she had wanted to see him feel guilty for what he was doing… but hearing him say that kind of thing didn’t make her feel any better. It just made her more scared, angry and frustrated. “But you can’t, John… you can’t! All you can do is pray… for a second chance… that’s all any of us can do now, ” she said, starting to cry for the fear.
“I know… I know… ” he said softly, casting his gaze downward, feeling more and more afraid of what lay ahead with each passing second.
They parted ways for awhile, Marlena sitting on the small couch, John behind the desk…. waiting, thinking private thoughts… not talking. Finally, when they couldn’t stand the silence any longer, John asked the question that would logically follow… “Doc, I know you love me… and God only knows how much I love you… but I’ve made some… pretty bad decisions lately, I recognize that. So, I have to ask… are you going to give me another chance to get it right, or are we.. finished?”
She was nearly overcome by a strange mix of emotional sensations…. not sure what she wanted or how she felt toward him at the moment. Therefore, she put off the inevitable for a little while longer, saying, “John… I don’t think that now is the right time for this discussion… Brady is up there fighting for his life…. we need to concentrate on him right now… don’t you think?”
“Of course, you’re right…” he said flatly, realizing exactly what that avoidance symbolized. There was something different in her hazel orbs… they’d lost their shine and it was his doing. That was another thing he had to learn to deal with… being responsible for stealing that sparkle from her beautiful sun kissed eyes. He leaned back against the chair and said no more. They would wait in silence for news of their son’s condition and settle the problems in their relationship later….
Michael Horton, MD….. how he hated that title and the responsibility that went with it in times like these. To be the bearer of bad tidings was the worst part of being a physician. People standing or sitting around for hours, waiting for some tiny morsel of hopeful news about a loved one… And, then… he was so often the one to shatter that hope, and steal their dreams. Mike took a deep breath and then let it out before knocking on the office door of one of his good friends. There had been tension in the relationship with Marlena lately because of his feelings for Carrie, but there was still a base of friendship underneath all of that and he hated the task that was to come.
Marlena looked over at John and he snapped to attention with the sound, directing his eyes toward her. “That’s probably Mike… “
“Yes… ” was all she said before opening the door. The look on Mike’s face told her that she wasn’t going to get the news they’d both been praying for.
There was the pregnant pause and John said the words that were so often required to end it, “Just tell us, Mike.”
He sighed and put it out there for them with none of the typical doctor euphemisms, “John.. Marlena.. he survived the surgery, but that’s about all I can say right now. His head injury was very serious… we’ve put a shunt in… to drain the fluid that has accumulated from the trauma. He’s lapsed into a comalike state…. and all we can do now is wait and pray for the best.”
Marlena stood there with a stunned expression on her face, which in the back of her mind was unexpected, because she was trying to be realistic about it earlier, preparing for the worst. Somehow, thinking about it as a possibility was different than hearing the doctor who was treating her boy say it so plainly.
John didn’t fare any better…. by the looks of his ashen countenance, he was barely able to stand up. Finally, he spoke again, asking the question the young doctor knew was coming, “Mike… tell us the truth…. what do you think his chances are for a full recovery?”
There was an agonizingly long wait, which in reality was only a few seconds… and then Mike spoke quietly, “Not very good, John…. I’m so sorry… but it’s unlikely that he’ll come out of this and if he does.. there will probably be significant brain damage.”
“Oh God! Oh… my.. God! I did this…. it’s all my fault…. ” John said in horrified self blame, as he slumped backwards toward the desk, nearly falling down in his attempt to sit down.
Marlena was strangely quiet in her reaction, though Mike knew from her somewhat blank but at the same time pained expression that she was suffering greatly. However, she was not making a sound… no tears, no cries of disbelief, no angry accusations… nothing at all.
John was outwardly devastated, sitting immobile with his head in his hands supported by his knees, muttering words of self condemnation. Mike stood there for a moment longer and then feeling like he was intruding at a certain point, said quietly as he prepared to leave, “I’m going to take a look at the latest test results and then I’ll be in to check on Brady in a little while. I’ll see you there.”
Neither parent acknowledged him, but he hadn’t expected it. Mike left the office without another word, praying all the while that the couple would be able to work things out, regardless of the outcome. Whether Brady lived or died, they would need each other more than at any other time in their relationship in order to get through the long days and nights to come. Mike hoped that the couple’s love was strong enough to survive the crisis and provide the support each of them would need in the long run, whatever ultimately happened to their son.
For one second, Marlena turned and glanced at her fiance… John was distraught…. immersed in overpowering remorse about what had happened. He must have sensed her eyes upon him and he tipped his head up and looked directly at her, praying to see some hint of the willingness to forgive. When she saw the guilty anguish in those tear filled blue eyes… a part of her wanted to comfort him, to tell him what he wanted so desperately to hear… but the other part remembered a crying Belle who blamed herself… and she could still see the motionless form of their little boy, lying still and silent as the blood trickled from his tiny ear. Picturing those images over and over in her mind, she pointed her finger toward him and shouted in a voice filled with intense apprehension and anger, “You… YOU did this, John! You caused this pain…and this fear! LIVE WITH IT!!” She didn’t give him time to respond before storming out of her own office, leaving him to face the results of his actions all alone.
He wanted to argue…. he wanted to stop her from going, but he did neither because in his heart John knew she was right. He was responsible for the pain they were both experiencing and for the suffering of their child. So, he stayed there, sitting as he was in her chair…. and buried his head in his hands again, weeping without tears… for this pain was beyond the release of tears. There would be no temporary relief from this agony.
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance……..
The woman he loved had walked away and left him alone in his guilty grief. Their son was in a coma and she blamed him for it. How much worse could it get… and would he have another chance to make it right with Marlena? Or make sure his son knew how much he loved him and how sorry he was for neglecting them all so much that they doubted his commitment to them? John fully admitted he shouldn’t ever have had to ask those questions. After all, he’d already gotten his second chance…. and he was ruining it all by himself. If he had his priorities straight in the first place, none of this would even be transpiring. If the unthinkable happened and Marlena broke off the engagement, it would be because of his behavior, not because of some manipulative third party. That was about as ironic as it got… losing her now… because of his own obsession to fill in the missing years… years that just didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
Doubting whether she would even talk with him about it at the moment, he just stayed there on the couch and labored to make sense of all that had happened and to pray. “Oh…God… I’ve really done it this time… I’ve made so many mistakes… and my little “Slugger man” is the one who is being hurt by it… Please heal him, God… I’ll do anything… I’ll suffer anything.. I’ll give her up so she can be happy with someone else if that’s what it takes… anything… if he can just… recover. Please God!” he pleaded in desperation, his head bowed, his hands folded together in reverance, fearful tears forming anew, poised to fall at any given second.
For a break that will make it okay……..
When John came out of the office and headed toward his little boy’s room, his despair was painfully obvious as he approached the gathering of friends and family. He could tell from the looks on their faces that they didn’t all blame him, but they could see things from Marlena’s perspective. She’d been crying and so had he… and they all knew what it meant that they’d left Marlena’s office separately. There was serious trouble in paradise.
Marlena was sitting at Brady’s bedside, holding his tiny hand in hers, stroking his cheek with the other and watching the monitors. Belle was hanging back in the frame of the door as John stepped nearer. He reached out to touch his little girl, who was crying softly as she stood there afraid to go in for all the beeping noises, and the lights and tubes and things. It was all a little too much to take for a not quite five and half year old. “Belle honey… it’s okay.. Brady is just hooked up to some machines that help him…breathe and that help to keep an eye on how he’s doing. Would you like to go in with me?” John asked, as tenderly as possible, his hands resting lightly on her tiny shoulders.
When Belle looked at him, it was with a sense of bewilderment… He was speaking with such concern, his eyes were filled with tears and his voice sounded funny. It confused her and she was compelled to ask as the reason for Brady’s situation came to mind, “Daddy… how come Brady said you don’t love us anymore?” she asked with disarming childlike innocence.
She might as well have driven a stake through his heart.. or better yet.. he should have done it to himself. To hear his child say those words, to know that they were the reason his children were pushing and shoving and that it had been precipitated by the incident that morning, was to cause pain beyond description. Barely able to hold back the flood of guilty remorse, he fought to get the words out through quivering lips, “Oh… Belle, baby… that’s not true… Daddy… made some mistakes… and he… chose the wrong things sometimes… but.. honey… I never stopped loving you and Brady… and I never will. I’m so sorry this happened… SO sorry!” he cried, his eyes and his voice beseeching his little girl to believe in him, to forgive him his mistakes, as he glanced quickly at Marlena, his eyes asking if she would ever do the same.
There’s always some reason to feel not good enough….
His sadness reminded Belle of her part in what had taken place that afternoon…and she began to cry and express her own remorse, “Oh.. Daddy… I didn’t mean to push him off the climbing toy.. honest I didn’t… I just didn’t like him saying that about you… He was just mad cause of you yelling at him…right?” she asked as the tears made another stream down her already moist red cheeks.
John was fighting a gradually losing battle with the moisture behind his own disconsolate eyes…and each question, each cry uttered by his baby girl made the aching pain intensify. John reached out his hands to wipe away his little girl’s tears, saying softly, “Belle honey…. I didn’t mean to yell at Brady like that… I don’t like when he teases you.. but I shouldn’t have yelled at him and grabbed the doll the way I did. I was frustrated about something else and I took it out on him… that was wrong. I am SO sorry about that…..you’ll never know how much!” he finished as a lone drop of salty liquid slipped out and snuck down his cheek.
And it’s hard at the end of the day……
Belle practically leaped into his arms… seeing her Daddy cry was not something to which she was well accustomed. Because of that, she knew that this crisis was serious and that he felt miserable about his own behavior. She wanted to comfort him, to make sure he knew she still loved him, to reassure him as he had just assured her. “Daddy… Mommy always says… we all make mistakes, and we should forgive each other… I forgive you… and I still love you… inside my heart.”
I need some distraction or a beautiful release………
The sigh that escaped as he drew his baby into his arms was undefinable… a mixture of thanksgiving, relief and fear mixed with a s touch, maybe not even his support. “How is he… any change?” was all he said as he moved away from behind her toward her right side, leaving the other issues unspoken, reluctantly accepting that it was what she wanted.
Without looking at him, she answered with only the facts, her voice noticeably cold, “No… he’s in a coma and they don’t know if he’ll ever come out of it, John.”
What she didn’t say was every bit as difficult to take. She was so angry with him… and so frightened for their son that she could barely even speak to her intended groom. That hurt very much and he didn’t know what to do, what to say that would help make it better, so he said nothing at all, gesturing that he and Belle needed some space to be near Brady as well. Marlena scooted her chair over and John guided Belle into the space at her left by the bedside table. Then, he walked around to the other side, lowered the bedrail and sat on the edge of the bed, holding Brady’s left hand in both of his.
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight…….
The sound he uttered as his eyes focused on the tiny occupant of that hospital bed was hard to define… a cross between a groan and a sigh.. filled with so many emotions, the chief of which was fearful sadness. Brady seemed so small, so helpless lying there connected to all those machines and it broke his heart to think it was essentially his fault that the accident happened in the first place. Planting a soft kiss on his little boy’s hand, John began to speak to him, willing him to hear and absorb his father’s words of sorrow and love, “Oh… Brady… I am SO sorry this happened to you… and I’m sorry for yelling at you this morning… I hope you know how much I love you…”
Marlena only sat and watched, wondering what the future held for all of them, praying for the boy she loved as if he were her natural child. There was no difference in the way she felt about either of their little ones. Brady and Belle had been virtually inseparable and she loved them with all her heart.
Belle climbed up on her mother’s lap and was silent, listening to her father’s anxious talk, observing every move her parents made. She didn’t fully comprehend what was going on, but she knew something terrible was happening between them. They hardly looked at each other, they hadn’t spoken but two words and they were on opposite sides of the bed. She knew they weren’t getting along and that it had to do with the events of the day, but that was all she knew. Instead of asking about that, which she intuitively sensed would have to wait until later, she asked about her brother, “Mommy… is Brady going to be okay soon?”
Her own tears returning with just that simple heartfelt question, Marlena struggled to answer, “I don’t know sweety…. I wish I did… I wish I could tell you he’s going to be just fine, honey, but I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”
Seeing the seering expression of condemnation in her mother’s eyes and the guilty countenance born by her father, followed by the pain filled look that passed between her parents as her mother attempted to answer, Belle couldn’t help but ask about what she thought she was seeing. With much confusion, she looked at both of them and then asked, “Mommy…why are you and Daddy so mad? Is it cause of me, cause of what I did?”
That snapped Marlena out of her funk, and she responded with compassion, her hands touching her little girl’s face, then drawing her into an embrace of comfort, “No… honey.. oh, no…I’m not mad at you… not at all. Sweety… Daddy and I have some… things to talk about, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you.. okay? What happened to Brady was not your fault.”
In the arms of the angel, far away from here……..
Looking at John, trying to find it in her heart to let him off the hook… she found she couldn’t quite manage it. Without giving him the absolution he so clearly hoped for, she looked back at their tiny girl and said what Belle needed to hear, “It was just an accident.. I want you to try real hard to believe that, please.”
Belle glanced over at her older brother who suddenly looked smaller and began to cry again as she replied worriedly, “I’ll try, Momma… I’ll try. I just feel sad for Brady.. I never meant to hurt him, Mommy… I promise I didn’t.”
“Oh honey…. I know you didn’t sweetheart… and so does Brady… He knows we love him and that none of us wanted something like this to happen,” Marlena answered, hugging Belle tighter, willing her to believe in what she was saying.
John prayed with all his might that his boy knew how much he was loved by his father as well, in spite of what Brady had said to his sister that morning. Wanting to help in some way, John encouraged his little angel girl to speak to her brother about her feelings, “You can tell him if you want to.. he might not be able to answer you.. but he can hear you when you talk to him… so if there’s something you want to say… you just go right ahead honey.”
Belle looked to her mother for final approval, and then decided to do as her father suggested, taking her brother’s hand and thinking about what she wanted to say to him.
John glanced at Marlena again, and there was something different in her eyes that time, or had he been imagining it? Was there some miniscule glint of hope that said maybe if he did everything right from this moment forward he would have a chance to talk things over and come to an understanding with her and resolve the problems in the relationship?
Then it was gone as quickly as he’d seen it and she was paying attention to Belle as she spoke so softly her brother. Reading her unvoiced signals, John stepped away from the bed without further comment, allowing Marlena and Belle a moment alone with Brady.
From this dark, cold, hotel room
and the endlessness that you feel……..
John was standing in the frame of the door, when suddenly and unexpectedly, his mind conjured up visions of a bleak lonely future…. a funeral service… burying his little boy much too soon, aching with excruciating, unbearable pain as he watched the tiny coffin being lowered into the ground, his heart forever darkened by unfathomable grief… ceaseless tears… then more pain…. being asked to leave the Penthouse… Staring in disbelief as Marlena placed the engagement ring in his hand and walked away… More tears of loss… then packing up… going back to that cold empty hotel room, the placed he lived the last time they were apart, but this time moving out was for good, his heart and mind telling him that she’d never take him back again.
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie….
With tears welling up behind his frightened eyes, he turned to the heavens, ‘Please God… don’t let it happen that way! I’ll do *anything* you ask!’ ANYTHING!! he prayed desperately, looking skyward, begging his Lord to save his boy, pleading for absolution and one more chance to get it right.
“Brady… it’s your sister, Belle… can you hear me? Daddy says you can and I know that he’s right. So, I want you to wake up, Brady..cause I have to tell you how sorry I am. And, if you don’t wake up again… we’ll all be so sad… cause we love you, Brady. You were wrong about Daddy.. he’s really sad cause you’re hurt. I know he loves us… and if you open your eyes and look at him, you’ll know it too…”
As she was finishing up, Belle turned around to see her father, who was weeping softly and praying silently. Intuitively, she sensed his suffering and rushed into his arms, holding him as tight as her little arms could. With heartfelt emotion, she said what she thought he most needed to hear, “I love you, Daddy… and I know God loves us all, and he’s listening to our prayers right now,” she said through misty eyes, yet looking and sounding every bit like the littlest angel…..
All John could manage was a soft moan and a slightly tearful nod, thankful but wondering.. as he allowed himself to take some comfort from the love so freely given by his precious little girl, how and why it was that the heavens had seen fit to bestow him with such a special blessing…
You’re in the arms of the Angel
May you find some comfort here……..
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting…..
The visibility was next to nothing and it was all he could do to keep the car on the road. It was a foolish thing to do, going off the way he had in such a ferocious thunderstorm, but John Black was most definitely not thinking straight and hadn’t been since he learned from the angry distraught Marlena about his son’s fall at the daycare center.
You keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack…
It was a fall that should never have taken place, wouldn’t have taken place if he’d had his priorities in the proper order. John was guilt ridden and frightened like never before, frightened of losing his precious son, frightened of losing the one true love of his life…
It don’t make no difference
Escape one last time……..
And for what!! Some distant obscured past that just didn’t matter anymore, except to him, Greta and his friend, Hope Williams. His children certainly didn’t care who he was fifteen or twenty years before they were born…and Marlena was definitely not keen on the concept from the very beginning of his renewed interest in the past. Now, with their son’s life in jeopardy, she abhorred the idea of his search for answers.
It’s easier to believe
In this sweet madness……
If the unthinkable happened and it cost them their son, John knew in his soul that he was going to lose her too. She would *never* forgive him, never love him, maybe never even speak to him again. It was that agony, among others that sent him out into the storm, as the internal storm raged on inside, his heart aching, his mind reeling from the speed of the changes in his often tumultuous life.
Oh, this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees……
He’d driven off in a rush after a very heated argument with Marlena… She was telling him that Brady was essentially dead… and he just couldn’t accept it…. It couldn’t possibly be happening… it just wasn’t real to him. He couldn’t make the choices she said had to be made…. John’s mind took him back to their shouting match, one that took place in full view of at least a dozen friends and more than a few hospital employees.
* * *
He remembered shouting and trying to see through terrified tear filled eyes, “I said NO!! We’re NOT going to give up on him… I won’t do it… and if you make the decision while I’m not here….. I swear it, I’ll…..”
“You’ll what, John? You think I care about your threats… I’m talking about what’s right for your son… for OUR son!”
“No… No, it’s NOT what’s right! I’m not giving up hope… He’s a fighter, Doc…and he’ll make it back from this, I KNOW he will!” His eyes had pleaded with her to agree, for anyone to give him the slightest sign that he might be right, and for someone to absolve him of the responsibility for his boy’s injuries. He didn’t see either in her anger filled stare and the onlookers, not wanting to make the situation worse, wouldn’t meet his needy gaze.
She touched him for the first time since it happened, feeling all of his pain and hers too… Grasping his shoulders firmly, she shook him and tried to force the issue, “John… the injury is too severe. They’ve done all they can for him. Brady is dying and you have to face it!!”
Marlena wanted him to accept the impossible, to have the ventilator taken off…. “No!!! NO!! I won’t DO IT, DOC!!” he had shouted at her in utter agony at the mere suggestion that his boy was dying… shaking his head vigorously in response, the tears of utter devastation threatening to gush out. He knew he couldn’t stay and argue with her any longer, he had to get out of there for awhile. He was in a serious emotional tailspin… guilt ridden and in intense anguish, and every time he looked at her or that precious little boy lying there with so much machinery to support his tiny life, the pain was only compounded. It felt like he was suffocating, as if the walls were closing in on him and he had to leave. He had to be alone and… pray, if he could muster the courage to go before God again when he was the one responsible for his boy’s condition. John stared into the room at Brady, next at Mike and Marlena… Then he rushed off down the corridor and raced down the stairwell toward the outdoors, searching for some place where he could breathe, someplace where he wouldn’t be smacked in the face with his own shortcomings. As if he could run from them…
There’s always some reason to feel not good enough……
It was a horrible accident, everyone said so, during one of the worst storms in decades. They said it was a true miracle that anyone survived the crash at all, the Jeep having rolled over and over, landing on its side in a ditch which was several feet deep and full of bone chilling water. Sirens were blaring, lights were flashing red and blue, illuminating the cold dark winter’s night. Emergency vehicles everywhere….. paramedics fighting to save lives. The victim inside the Jeep was in agony, but he didn’t care because he knew he deserved to suffer.
I need some distraction or a beautiful release…..
His boy was dying… why shouldn’t he? It was what he deserved, he decided, to die a painful lingering death, trapped in his truck… Was that punishment enough? Could there ever be punishment to fit the crime of crushing a child’s spirit and causing him to doubt the love of his father? As the blood gurgled in his lungs, he knew… the answer was no…but he prayed for it anyway. ‘God… please… take me now… save Brady and take ME instead… If anyone deserves to die, it’s me…. Take me… PLEASE!’ he begged, through labored breaths as the pain shot through every nerve fiber in his body.
Memories seep from my veins……
As he swiftly began to lose the battle for consciousness, visions of happier days drifted through his mind. Skating on the ice in Winter, playing ball in Summer, birthday parties and Holidays… good times… but then there was the pain too…. the look in Marlena’s eye when she told him what had happened… the anger, the worry, the fear she broadcast with every fiber of her being. And his guilt, so much guilt…was crushing… and his spirit cried out for relief….
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight……..
‘But, God… mostly… please make sure he knows… that I do love him… that I’ll always love him, and Marlena and Belle too… Take care of them, God…. and make sure they know how sorry I am for everything.’
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie…
She awakened with a start….her eyes taking several moments to adjust to the change in scenery, both internal and external. She blinked rapidly, her mind attempting to determine what was the real experience and what was imagined or dreamed about. “Oh.. John.. she said quietly… “What are we going to do? Are you alright… was it just a dream?” she called out into the dark.
As she pondered the answers to her concerns, a noise startled her again. The door to Brady’s ICU room opened up, admitting Mike Horton. “Marlena… I need to speak with you outside.” His expression was grim at best.
“Is it about John?” she said, sensing it intuitively, her heart skipping a beat or two as fearful adrenaline began to flow.
Mike nodded and started to answer, “Yes… he was just… “
“An accident… John was in an accident, wasn’t he?” she asked anxiously, rising from the chair next to Brady’s bedside, frantic with worry. The dream was so vivid… and he’d been so terribly injured… Her anger was replaced with the terror of losing him forever. It wasn’t what she wanted… for him to suffer, or worse yet, to die. She felt a lump in her throat and was barely able to get the words out, “Oh, God… I can’t lose them both… I just.. can’t!”
Placing his hands on her shoulders, Mike attempted to capture her attention so he could explain further, “Marlena… please try to calm down… Yes…he was in an accident, but he’s going to be fine… mostly, he’s embarrassed …and terribly distraught about Brady.”
Her mind was filled with a million questions, but all she could get out was a simple one, “Well, how did it happen?”
“From what he says, he slid on the slick pavement and lost control of the Jeep. Thankfully, he didn’t hit anyone else; he ended up on the side of the road… He hit his chest on the steering wheel, and his head smacked the windshield pretty hard. It’s a good thing John is so hard headed. He’s got a moderate concussion, a bad case of whiplash, and his body took a heck of a beating. He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt… guess he was too upset to think about it. In any case, I’m going to keep him overnight at least, but I think I might have to sedate him to make it happen. “
Her sigh was one of immense relief and fear combined, but it made Mike smile… Despite all the angry words the couple had exchanged earlier, their love was strong and this was quite possibly the moment when their fate was sealed.
Tearfully, she said what was on her mind, her voice trembling with mixed emotions, “I was so..frightened when I woke up… my dream was so.. real and I thought that…Oh, Mike.. I’m SO angry with him.. but the thought of losing him so suddenly like that….” She stopped, mid sentence, covering her mouth to contain the power of her feelings, and focused her energy on being with him, “Oh.. Mike, can I see him, please?” she said with shaking hands and a trembling voice.
Mike was hesitant… although he understood why she was upset with the man, the doctor didn’t want his patient subjected to further lambasting. His head would only throb all the more. “Yes… I’m sure he’d like that. Marlena… you know he’s feeling really horrible about what’s happened, with Brady, and with you.”
She nodded, taking his point easily, “I know… I know he is, Mike.. If you let me in to see him, I promise I won’t yell at him.” When she finished, she tried to muster a smile, but it was a weak one at best.
“Thank you… he’s pretty banged up and he’s got a nasty headache and needs some rest, if he’ll sleep.”
“I highly doubt it,” was all she said to which Mike responded with a slight nod of the head before he turned away.
When she entered the examination room, her heart went out to him immediately. Her love was curled up on his side, obviously cradling his aching belly.. “John.. honey… are you alright?”
“Doc… is that you?” he asked, sounding foggy from the combination of his injuries and the medication. “I thought.. you…wouldn’t want to see me..” he offered tentatively.
“Oh.. John.. of course I want to see you… I.. love you. I’m not going to say that I’m not… very angry with you, but I wouldn’t let you lie here, hurt and all alone. I think you know me better than that, John Black.”
Add shame to the list… “Yea… I guess I do… I’m sorry…” He paused a moment, fighting the encroaching darkness that was creeping in around the edges of consciousness. The meds encouraged him to sleep, to shut down and rest, but this was so important and he battled to tell her what he felt.
Through labored breaths, he said, “Marlena…. I’m SO sorry… I never… meant to neglect you and the kids… I just… wanted to know…. It’s been so long… and I thought… it mattered to you… who I was before… I wanted.. to have something to tell the kids, about.. my life… to give them a… heritage.. you know. and I couldn’t do that. And then.. Greta came… someone who…knew me… all those years ago… and I just.. got all caught up in it… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” His voice was weakening with each word spoken until finally he dropped off into a slightly restless drug induced slumber.
Lying there the way he was, his head and chest bandaged, a soft collar around his neck, his face all bruised and battered the way it was, he looked so vulnerable… just like his little boy… She took his right hand in both of hers and brought it to her mouth for a soft moist kiss…. “Oh, John… what am I going to do with you? I should hate you… I should leave you…I should stand up… and walk away right now and never look back.”
“But you won’t….will you? “
She whirled around to see someone standing behind her, someone she hadn’t expected to see ever again. Her eyes went wide open, her heart raced, and she nearly fainted at the sight.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there……..
Her eyes and ears were playing tricks on her; she was tired and overwrought, that’s all it was. Marlena blinked several times and then shut them and shook her head to clear it, but when she opened her eyes again, the man was still standing there, plain as day. He was wearing white and the vision was hazy, a soft glowing light surrounding him. Instinctively, she knew it was Gabe, the angel who touched her on the shoulder the day she’d been saved from Satan, the same one who appeared to John on several occasions during that horrifying ordeal. Still, to actually see him was an amazing experience and she was in awe, left speechless.
With a warm knowing smile, Gabe stepped closer and spoke softly, “Hello, Marlena… yes, you’re right, it’s me Gabe… Now, aren’t you going to answer my question?”
“Qu… question?” she stammered, trying to stand up on shaky legs that wouldn’t hold her.
“Yes, about John…. you just said that you should walk away and never look back, and I said, but you won’t, will you?”
“Oh… that question,” she said, glancing down at the sleeping man and then quickly back at the angel, wondering if he might be gone when she looked again.
“Yes…. You won’t leave him, will you?” he asked, knowing that what was to follow was going to be difficult for her, but necessary all the same.
Suddenly, the anger was there in full force, “Well, why shouldn’t I? For the last several months, he’s all but abandoned me and the children and now, our precious little boy might die… and for what!”
Gabe didn’t say anything at first, wanting her to draw her own conclusions and make sense out of her ambivalence and her frustrated anger. “For some long forgotten past life that just doesn’t matter anymore! I don’t care who he was back then… I wanted the man I fell in love with… I wanted to marry John Black, the man he has become… and now look at us. He spends all of his time looking back, talking to some, *girl* he has some distant connection with through her mother… and his children are left to argue about whether he still loves them!”
“So, you’re very angry… Marlena, you have a right to be… but if you blame him for what happened to Brady, why are you here now, worrying over John? Why haven’t you walked away?”
She started to cry… thinking back to an hour ago when Mike stepped into the room and the images from the dream were so fresh… when terror struck and she believed John had been killed. “Because…. God help me… I still love him… I love him so much… but I don’t know… if that’s enough anymore, Gabe…”
“Ah… now that is a difficult dilemma indeed… Did you wonder, before today if your love was strong enough to withstand the storms life might bring, including this quest for answers John has undertaken recently?”
“No… I didn’t, not before what happened to Brady… that woke me up… it shocked me… and I’ve begun to realize how much I have hidden my true feelings for his benefit…thinking that I was doing the right thing in supporting him without question.”
“But now…”
“Now… ” She paused for a moment, thinking, and then at last, she told the truth, “Well, I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m not going to sit back and wait for him to figure out what he’s missing… If he ends up alone and hurting, he brought it on himself and I have no more sympathy left for him. All I care about is giving my children the love and attention they deserve. If he’s part of it, fine, but if not, I’m not going to cry over him any more. He’s just not worth it.”
“What does that mean….”
She shocked even herself… it was as if saying all of it out loud to someone else gave her the freedom she was seeking… “I’m going to break off the engagement…. As soon as he wakes up, I’m going to give him back the ring. If and when he can dedicate himself to us the way we deserve, I might reconsider, but until then, I don’t want to call him my fiance.”
Gabe understood it and he wanted to make sure she did. “Marlena… you can’t run away from your feelings for John, any more than John could avoid the pain he was feeling tonight… he’s in your heart and soul. I think you know that, don’t you?” the angel challenged.
“No…you’re wrong,” she contradicted. “I can… I can get past the pain of letting him go, I’ve done it before…”
“Ah… yes….you stayed with Roman, despite your deep and abiding love for John…. that was… admirable.”
“Was it? I don’t think so! Nothing about what I did back then was admirable. I betrayed sacred wedding vows… for him!” she said angrily, at the same time as she was pointing to John. “I betrayed everything I believed in for a man who hardly seems to even know where he lives anymore….” Shaking her head in disbelief about the turn her life had taken, she started to say something and then thought better of it, “Sometimes I wish I….”
“What, what do you wish, Marlena?” Gabe asked, stepping up next to the bed, glancing down at the man he once helped in a similar fashion, challenging him to look beyond the surface. Gabe was purposely forcing her to confront the painful conclusion of her thought process.
She turned her attention from the sleeping man to the man wearing white, “Allright, if you must know. Sometimes I wish I never met him! Lately, I find myself wishing I never walked into that examining room thirteen years ago! Then, he would be someone else’s problem!”
The conversation had taken them exactly where they needed to be, something he’d wondered about when he spoke of his plans with a comrade. “Ooh… now this is a side of Marlena Evans that not too many people know about, isn’t it? You’re bitter.”
For reasons she didn’t understand, his assessment was completely on target and it gave her the opening she needed to unleash all her pent up feelings and thoughts about the man whom she believed had hurt her one too many times. “YES! Yes, I’m bitter… I have given up EVERYTHING for him! I lost a loving husband, the respect of my family, my friends, and my colleagues. My children hated me for a very long time… and I waited… I watched him with a parade of other women and finally when the guilt was almost gone and we had a chance to be together, what does he do? Does he dedicate himself to us, to making us feel safe and secure in his love? Does he focus on the wedding and our future together? No! NO!”
After pausing to catch her breath and then glancing at John in disdain, she continued to vent her fury about his recent behavior, “He goes off on this obsessive search for answers about the past… a past I don’t give a DAMN about!! He neglected me and the children, he wasn’t there for Sami when she needed him… I’m SO angry with him… and if Brady dies… so help me, Gabe… I’m never going to forgive, him… NEVER!!” Her eyes were filled with fire… and her breathing was ragged with the violent expression of emotion. At the same time, she was relieved to have let it all out. She’d been holding back a tidal wave for far too long.
So, there it was…. Her cards were finally on the table… there was nothing more to say. For once, Marlena Evans was completely honest about her feelings, something Gabe knew was necessary for true healing to occur in the relationship between she and John Black. It was time for their journey…..
There was so much noise…. and so much anger… Who was shouting… The voice was familiar… but no… she didn’t feel that way… she didn’t regret ever meeting him… that couldn’t be true, could it? Did he mess up so badly that she wished him away… ‘No, Doc… no, don’t go…don’t leave me here in this cold empty darkness…’ He could hear them and he could develop a thought, but he couldn’t make it go to his mouth…
The man in the bed started to stir and moan, struggling to speak, obviously upset by what little he was able to comprehend from what he heard in his sedative induced sleep. Marlena stepped closer to the bed, feeling a hint of remorse about what she’d said, especially if it affected his recovery in some way. No matter how angry she was, she didn’t want to cause a setback.
Suddenly the room faded all around her….and she was standing outdoors in a field of green, gray headstones everywhere she looked. There was a large gathering of people dressed in black and charcoal gray, obviously mourning the passing of someone they loved. When she adjusted to the change of settings, Marlena realized where she was and looked to see if Gabe were still with her. He was standing right behind her, his expression serious.
“Gabe….what’s going on? Why are we here… and who are all those people?” she asked, thoroughly confused and wondering how it could be real.
“Look closely and you’ll see, Marlena… I am… giving you your wish…”
Her face bore a look of bewilderment and she stepped up near the group of mourners when she gasped… One of them was herself… quite a few years younger… She was standing next to Caroline and Shawn Brady, who were weeping as hard as she was.. She listened, “I cannot believe it… all of them gone in the blink of an eye… All because of a drunk driver… it’s a horrible tragedy..” Shawn was saying to no one in particular.
The Marlena standing with them was so distraught she couldn’t speak.. she only wept all that much harder… “My Roman… and my babies… what will I ever do without them all?” she cried at one point.
Bo and Hope were there too… but they weren’t standing next to each other and Bo didn’t look like the man she remembered. His face was weathered and he was still wearing black leather. And, he looked distinctly uncomfortable standing there with all the other Brady family members. Next to Hope was a different man, a man who looked familiar… Oh, my God… it was Stefano… Stefano Dimera was standing with his arm around Hope… as if… No, it couldn’t be!
“Gabe…what is this… some kind of a sick joke?” she asked, as she tore her attention from the bizarre scene in front of her. It couldn’t be real, so what was it?
“No Marlena… it’s no joke… This is a glimpse into a different timeline. Without John to guide the family in Roman’s absence… some serious problems developed and without John to rescue Hope at Maison Blanche… Stefano married her, as Gina… The Brady’s believe Hope is dead and Bo is back to being an angry loner… John had a good influence on him during those years everyone believed he was Roman, but because those years never happened… Bo never straightened his life around and he never worked things out with Hope. He ended up alone, believing he lost the one true love of his life.
Another thought suddenly occurred to her… where were her babies… “Belle and Brady… they..”
“They were never born… since you didn’t walk into that examining room… you never met, you never fell in love… John never met Isabella, he didn’t have Brady and you never had an affair with him, so Belle doesn’t exist either.
“Well, what about Sami, Eric and Carrie… I still have them, don’t I?”
“No, Marlena… didn’t you hear what Shawn said…. He said, all of them… he was referring to Roman and your children… they were all killed in an auto accident caused by a drunk driver.”
“No… everyone I loved.. my entire family, gone forever?” she said, totally shocked by what she was seeing and hearing. She stared ahead as four coffins were lowered into the ground.
“Yes… killed by a very troubled man… such a shame when he could have been helped. Now, his life is ruined too; he’ll probably be behind bars for the rest of it. He had such potential for goodness, but he just couldn’t make it past the pain… because he never found the right person to help him, he fell into despair and turned to alcohol to ease his troubled mind.”
“Who… who is he… ” Marlena asked, strangely feeling some compassion for the man. It seemed she should; it was, after all, her profession to help troubled souls.
“Would you like to see him? Would you like to know who killed your family by being so terribly irresponsible?” Gabe asked, leading her in the direction she needed to go.
Hearing him say it that way made the anger return and she agreed wholeheartedly, “Yes… yes I would! I want to make him pay for what he’s done! Let’s go now!” A part of her wanted to laugh… none of it was real, was it? She was standing in John’s hospital room, venting her anger… It was like a dream. ‘Yes, that’s it… it’s just a dream I’m having. I’m sitting in a chair in John’s room and I’m having a nightmare… that’s all it is..’ she told herself.
The green grass disappeared, replaced by the dreary gray concrete walls of a state penitentiary. She and Gabe stood outside one of the dark lonely cells… She peered inside, feeling angry and curious at the same time. The man was sitting there on the plain cot, wearing the drab standard prison issue clothing, his dark haired head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably.
They waited for a moment… watching him… Finally, he tried to stem the flow of tears… and wiped his bloodshot eyes… He glanced skyward and then went down on his knees, kneeling next to the bed, folding his hands together before praying. “Oh Dear God… be with that family… take care of them…. Help them to know how much you love them… and God…. Please let them know… how very sorry I am… Oh God… I’m so SORRY!!” he said, and dropped his head again, overwhelmed by the crushing feelings of guilt for having taken four lives before their time. After a long while, the prisoner looked up, his sorrowful tear stained face clearly visible from outside the cell.
She was mortified….and incredulous, shaking her head repeatedly, not able to speak at first. She looked at him over and over again, making sure that what her eyes were seeing was in fact reality… How could it have come to that… “Oh my God… it can’t be him… it just can’t be! HE killed my family? He’s the drunk driver who killed Roman and the children?” she exclaimed in utter devastated disbelief.
Marlena was completely flabbergasted. She glanced back and forth several times, between Gabe and the forlorn looking man in the jail cell, her eyes blinking rapidly, trying to comprehend how it could be possible. “This can’t be, Gabeā¦ John can’t be the one!”
“I’m sorry but it’s trueā¦ In this reality, the one you just wished for, John is indeed responsible for the horrible tragedy that stole your entire family from you. Would you like to understand how it happened?”
She was still standing there, her mouth agape, appalled that John could have fallen so low. He was jailed for vehicular homicide, taking the lives of everyone else she loved. It had been his third DUI offense and he was convicted in a trial by jury and sentenced to two decades of time in prison. He was strangely absent from the proceedings, allowing the fates to control his destiny. In truth, it mattered little, for in his heart, he knew he was guilty and would be imprisoned by sorrow and remorse whether he spent his days in a jail cell or not.
The man in the cell looked nothing like the man she loved. He was haggard, much too thin, his muscles atrophied from lack of use, his body in horrible shape because of his terribly poor nutritional status. His eyes were bloodshot and it was clear that his life was ruled by guilt and bitter sadness. He was a broken man. She fought itā¦ “Noā¦ I refuse to believe thisā¦ John would never let this happenā¦ he’s too proud, he’s not the kind of man to be so irresponsible or to wallow in self pity like thatā¦ not the John that I know!” she said, denying this alternate reality Gabriel was showing her.
Understanding her disbelief, Gabe calmly made a suggestion, “Marlena, he’s not the John that you knowā¦ and this didn’t happen overnightā¦. Would you like to understand how he came to be in this position?”
Hating to see the man she had loved in such awful condition, having done such an unspeakable thing as taking four lives, the most important people in her life, she replied affirmatively. It seemed important to know somehow. “Yes.. I would, very much.. please Gabe.”
Before she heard his answer they were somewhere else altogether and she was thinking that she felt jet lagged but they hadn’t flown anywhereā¦ or had they? “Gabe, do you mind telling meā¦ just how is it we’re traveling, here?” thinking how it must be a dream and she would wake up with a stiff neck in the chair next to John’s bed at the hospital.
“Sorryā¦ that’s an occupational secretā¦ suffice it to say, what you’re feeling is absolutely normal. Most people say it’s a lot likeā¦”
Dismissing the idea of it being a dream, she smiled and responded as if it were real, “Jet lag, I knowā¦ I was just thinking thatā¦ Anyway, where are we now?” she asked, not recognizing the area.
“Oh, this is where John livesā¦ “
Looking at the area around them, she finally began to recognize it as the old warehouse district, the one on the west side of Salemā¦ it was the worst part of the city and one she rarely frequented. They walked along the streets which smelled like stale beer and were covered with refuse, including paper, beer bottles, old whiskey and bourbon bottles, cigarette butts, and even the occasional hypodermic needle. Abruptly, they stopped moving and Gabe pointed up ahead a few yards to a faded red brick building. It was in deplorable conditionā¦ the bricks crumbling on every corner, many of the windows broken out.
“This is where he lives, my John.. lives here?” Marlena blurted out, shocked and appalled.
“No, Marlena.. not your Johnā¦ he’s a very different man in this reality. You see, he went to the hospital one day and just as he was about to be examined by this very compassionate lady psychiatrist, she was called in on another patient, one whose needs seemed to outweigh his. Frightened and overwhelmed by what was happening to him, the man with the bandages around his head and neck left the hospital without ever getting any help. He was tired and weak from his ordeal and he didn’t know where to turn so he took to the streets. He was beaten and robbed of what little money he had. When it was over, John was lying helpless in the streets battered and bruised, left for dead.”
It made her sick to think of itā¦ Before she could admonish herself for wishing their meeting away, she blinked again and they were inside the broken down building. It was very coldā¦ and poorly lit. John was lying on a filthy cot shivering under the threadbare blanket, his face bruised and swollenā¦ his injured body nearly emaciated. He needed medical attention and other assistance, but there was none. Her hands went to cover her mouth, and she turned away from the unpleasant vision, crying for his suffering, “Oh, Gabe.. I don’t want to see this.. pleaseā¦ I don’t want to see him like this!”
“Marlenaā¦ I think you doā¦. You need to see the results of your wishā¦ what it would have done to both your lives if you’d never met him that day in the hospital as you suggested earlier. So, we will follow this through to its conclusion.”
She nodded grimly and looked backā¦ He was trying to heat some soup on a Bunson burnerā¦ subsequently eating it out of the canā¦ so weak his hands were shaking, making him drop it. As he knelt down to salvage what he could, nearly crying, obviously starving and in need of every bite, Marlena burst into tearsā¦ .”Oh, God.. Johnā¦ ” she cried, feeling horrible about what she’d said while standing at his bedside in the hospital.
Distraught, Marlena begged the angel to show them something else, “Please take us out of here.. I can’t bear this! I just can’t bear to see this, Gabe!”
Finally, they were outside againā¦ in a nicer part of town, much nicer. As her eyes were able to focus, she was able to discern that they were near the wealthiest part of Salem. “What are we doing here?” she asked, in spite of herself, wondering if John had been able to pull himself out of the depths of poverty. Maybe his life got betterā¦
“Well, as I said, John was beaten and left to dieā¦ Only, he didn’t die. Instead, he grew stronger and harder, he became angry and he used that anger to give him the strength to recover. John had to scrap for every advantage, and he just happened to be in the right place at the right time, or so it seemed and he saved the life of Victor Kiriakis.
She blinked again and they were at the waterfrontā¦ It was dark and there were men speaking in hushed whispered tonesā¦. And then gunfireā¦ A man came out of nowhere, leaping across several crates to knock another one downā¦ another spray of bullets and then silenceā¦ “Whatā¦what happened andā¦ who are you..ā¦ ” spoke one voice, clearly shocked and slightly unnerved, as he tried to rise.
Then, someone scrambled to his feet and stepped into the light. It was John, still looking impoverished and he spoke to the other man, shrugging his shoulders and speaking somewhat nervously, as if he knew exactly who the man was, “I uhā¦ could see that they were going to kill you, so Iā¦ just thought I’d help out if I could.”
“Well, I can’t thank you enoughā¦ ” said the well dressed man who was brushing himself off and extending his right hand. He too stepped out of the darkness, over two bodies, his attention focused on the man who’d saved his life. It was Victor Kiriakis.
“Johnā¦ John Black,” said the man who came out of nowhere to help, taking that hand, shaking it with more confidence than he felt inside.
“Well, John Blackā¦ how would you like a job?” Victor offered, seeing that his unlikely rescuer could stand to have an opportunity given to him. The man looked as though he were starving and it was almost miraculous that he even had the strength or will to come to someone else’s aide.
“A jobā¦ doing what? “John asked, trying to hide his eagerness. He was desperate but he knew enough not to appear so to someone like Kiriakis.
Victor smiled, seeing that the man still had some pride. “What you just didā¦ watching my back. Obviously, I’ve made someā¦ poor judgements with my currentā¦ help,” he said, glaring at the two fallen bodyguards.
Marlena was upsetā¦ turning to Gabe.. hoping it wasn’t trueā¦ “Oh, noā¦ he went to work for Victor? But that was when Victor was trying to capture himā¦ and maybeā¦kill him. He only did that to find out about his identityā¦ didn’t he?”
“Yesā¦ but Victor didn’t know who John wasā¦ so, John went to work for him and things were looking better in some ways. The others who were searching for the Pawn never guessed that he’d be working under their noses. And John decided that he had no choice but to take the job. At least he wasn’t starving any more. Soon, it was more than a job. John enjoyed having money and all the things it could buyā¦a safe place to live, good food to eat.. nice clothesā¦”
“But, it was wrong.. it was a life of crimeā¦ John wouldn’t live that wayā¦ he just wouldn’t. I know himā¦ I could never have loved him if heā¦ “
“Marlenaā¦ that’s the whole point hereā¦ you didn’t love himā¦ you didn’t even meet himā¦. And he’s a different man because of itā¦ He learned to live the life that was presented to himā¦ he didn’t know anything elseā¦ and he gave up on his past. He became the John Black that Victor Kiriakis wanted him to be.”
“Noā¦ No, I don’t believe you! John would haveā¦ well, the man that I know would have surfaced eventuallyā¦ he’s a good manā¦”
“Well, actually you’re rightā¦ some of his better qualities did eventually come to lightā¦ Would you like to see that part of his life?” Gabe asked, knowing that she needed to know the whole story before she could understand how and why in this reality John was languishing in the jail cell where they started.
She nodded eagerlyā¦ hoping for something that would make her feel better. Before they knew it, they were standing inside the Mansion, observing some festive occasion. There were people dressed in fine evening wear, champagne bottles chilling, many delectable gourmet foods being served, classical music playing in the background to set the mood. “So, he did have some happiness, thenā¦ he lives here now?”
“Yes, he eventually moved into the mansion with Victor.” Gabe enjoyed seeing her draw conclusions about what was happening. There was so much more to tell. When she made eye contact, he continued, “Soon after the scene at the pier, Victor came to the realization that his new hire had too many skills to waste by having him act as a glorified bodyguard. So, John went to work for Kiriakis Enterprises and became one of his top advisorsā¦ eventually working his way up to being the number two man in the company. They worked well together and together they built an empire that challenged even Stefano Dimera’s organization. Things were going well for John and he became involved with Isabella Toscano, who had recently learned that Victor was her biological father. Victor was so pleased to have a daughter and invited her to come and live with him at the Mansion. John and Isabella struck up a friendship and soon became romantically involved.” Gabe didn’t comment and neither did Marlena, who was obviously experiencing mixed feelings. She knew that John loved the woman, but there had been some animosity between the two ladies and she felt something she didn’t want to name about him having met Isabella and not herself.
Gabe purposely didn’t introduce the next moment they were going to observe, instead choosing to allow it to unfold before her eyes.
They were in a bedroom, an ornately decorated one at that. Isabella was wearing a designer evening gown, her hair and make up highlighting her natural appeal. John was dashing in a black tuxedo. They were standing close, drinking champagne, “Oh, Johnā¦ I love you so muchā¦ we’re going to have a wonderful life togetherā¦” Isabella said, her eyes moist with tears.
John looked happyā¦ really happy in the sceneā¦ and it made Marlena feel so confused. She wanted him to be happyā¦ yet it hurt her deeply to see him with another womanā¦ It was only logical that if they’d never met, he would eventually find someone. When she re- focused her attention, John was returning the sentiment, “Isabellaā¦ I love you more than I can ever sayā¦ and you’re rightā¦ we’re going to have an amazing life. I want us to travelā¦ see the worldā¦ and thenā¦.”
The woman’s eyes sparkled with excitement as she anticipated his comment, “And then we’ll have a house full of childrenā¦.. Oh, Johnā¦ I can’t wait!” she said, twirling around in a circle, filled with joy at the prospects of creating a family and sharing a long and happy life with the man she loved.
Making someone else happy felt so good insideā¦it was something he could never have imagined even a few short months earlier. “Only a few more weeks, babyā¦ and we’ll be husband and wifeā¦ Wait till you see the honeymoon I have planned for usā¦ ” he added to tease her. He loved playing that gameā¦
“Oh, youā¦ give me a hint.. won’t you pleaseā¦ come onā¦” she said, her hands reaching down to massage him through his pantsā¦ making him groanā¦”Ohā¦baby..”
She kissed him and he rebuffed her, fighting to remain composedā¦”Nope.. my lips are sealedā¦ it has to be a surpriseā¦ but I promiseā¦ you’ll love it, Izzy B!”
His eyes danced with delightā¦ and she decided that this timeā¦ she wouldn’t wear him downā¦ but that didn’t mean they couldn’t practice for that special time. “Alright.. but how about a preview of another kind, honeyā¦” she said, once again reaching down low, this time her hand slipping inside his pantsā¦His response was instantaneousā¦”Ohā¦ yeaā¦ I want you Isabellaā¦ I love and I want you so much!”
“Johnā¦ Oh, Johnā¦” she said breathlessly as he began to caress her breastsā¦”Make love to me now.. make love to meā¦ my husband to beā¦”
He smiled, still somewhat amazed at how far he’d come in less than a year. It was almost unbelievable that he could be here about to make love with this beautiful young woman. He was living in a Mansion, able to eat whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, wearing the finest designer clothing, working for one of the world’s most wealthy and powerful men and engaged to that man’s daughter. Life just couldn’t get any better for a man like John Black.
“Okayā¦ I’ve seen enough, Gabeā¦ he’s happy.. and I’mā¦ glad.”
“Are youā¦ I’m sure that wasn’t easy for you to see, Marlenaā¦ You can’t tell me you’re not the least bit.. jealous.”
Lying, she tried to cover it, but knew even as she spoke that the angel wasn’t convinced, “Noā¦ not at all. I’m glad he was able to get himself out of such poverty and despair.. that was horrible. Now, could we please move along?” The couple was in the throws of lovemaking and she had no desire to follow that scene to its conclusion.
Gabe saw no need to say any further about that aspect of the story. He’d seen enough from Marlena to know her perspective. “Well, as you might guess, they were married and life seemed have turned around completely to the good for John Black. That is, until the day Victor finally learned that John was actually the “Pawn,” a man who’d been under his control at one point, a man who was coveted also by Stefano Dimera. John had to go on the runā¦ Alone and scared, he called Isabella for help.. and she was all too happy to help him, for she loved him deeply. She transferred some of her funds, brought him some cash and some clothes and they thought all was well, until they were caught as they prepared to drive out of Salem. Some of Kiriakis more zealous men were armed and tried to take John by forceā¦
There were men with guns, threatening to shoot Johnā¦ One man ordered Isabella to move away from Johnā¦ and she would be safe. They tried to convince her that John was a dangerous man, that he’d been lying to her all along, just to get close to Victor, saying that he never loved her at all.
She knew it was a lieā¦ and argued vehemently, “Noā¦ no I don’t believe you.. he loves me very muchā¦ we’re in love and we’re going to have a baby together..”
John nodded and urged to believe in what she was saying, “That’s right, Izzyā¦ I do love youā¦ What they’re sayingā¦ it’s wrongā¦ Victorā¦ he was holding me prisoner.. and I got awayā¦ it was about two years ago nowā¦ I don’t know why, Isabella.. it has to do with the past that I can’t remember, but I swear to youā¦ I fell in love with you and all I really want is to be your husband and the father to your childrenā¦”
“You’re such a liar, Blackā¦ and you’re going to payā¦ believe meā¦ the boss is going to make you payā¦ ” The man snapped his fingers to indicate that it was time. Isabella was removed from the situation. It would only upset her unnecessarily to actually see the man die. She would get over it eventually, but they didn’t have to leave her with gruesome images of his suffering to make it even harder.
“And it’s going to be soā¦painfulā¦ I can’t wait to see you begging him to stopā¦ I never did like you much anywayā¦ moving up so fast.. You’re like the teacher’s pet.. I always hated them too! ” the man said just before slugging John hard in the face and then in his exposed gut, knocking the breath out of him.
John doubled over in pain, fighting the strength of the pairs of arms that held him. At last, he caught his breath again, and called after his love, “Izzyā¦ I love you.. no matter what they say about meā¦ it’s not true! Being in love with you is the best thing that ever happened to me! Please don’t forget that!”
Suddenly, she got a burst of angry adrenaline and broke away from the two men who were holding her. There was a tremendous struggle and John too broke freeā¦ running toward his loverā¦ and Isabella, who was pregnant with John’s child, rushed toward him.. There was gunfireā¦ aimed at taking John downā¦ Instead, Isabella was hit and killed by mistake. It was tragic.
John knelt downā¦ she was lying in a pool of bright red bloodā¦already dead by the time he reached her side. Placing his hands on her belly where their tiny life had been, he cried out in bitter agony, tears filling his eyes to know that the only person who had ever really loved him was dead, gone from his life forever along with a tiny life that was being created from that love.. “No, Izzyā¦ no.. you can’t die on meā¦.. I love youā¦ I need you!” Finally, he stood up to confront her murderersā¦” Oh, Godā¦ you killed herā¦ you killed the woman I loveā¦ and our baby.. You killed our baby, you BASTARDS!!” John went berserkā¦.he was a wild man and it took several men to subdue him.. Then they beat him into unconsciousnessā¦ and dragged him, dumping him in the trunk of a Kiriakis limousine.
Marlena was shaking her headā¦. Dismayed at his suffering. It wasn’t fairā¦ he was trying to become the kind of man who could be a good husband and father and then it was all taken away in the blink of an eye, for reasons he didn’t understand. He didn’t know who the Pawn was or what Victor needed him for.. he just knew he wanted to be free to live his own life. But now, he would not have that chance. “Ohā¦ Johnā¦he’s suffering so.. it’s just so unfairā¦ What happened after that Gabe?” Marlena asked, beginning to develop some concept of the transformations that had taken place.
Gabe sighed and continued the storyā¦ “Victor, of course, blamed John for his daughter’s death and John blamed himself as well. He berated himself for ever coming into her life.. and was immersed in intense grief and remorse. Kiriakis knew it would be too obvious if John were to be murdered and besides that he wanted the man to suffer pain over a long period of time, so he systematically set out to make John as miserable as a person could ever be. He put the word out that no one was to hire the man and John literally couldn’t get a job anywhereā¦ He lived in abject poverty and his health suffered for it, as did his mental and emotional state. There was no one available to help him through his grief, though he tried to see a counselor once. But after she was threatened, John couldn’t go back to her anymore. He was left all alone to cope with his losses and he couldn’t handle the pain by himself. In his helpless anguish, he turned to cheap alcohol for solace and temporary escape. It wasn’t long before the first DUI charge occurred and he was well on his way to serious trouble. John didn’t have the skills or the tools he needed to survive and move on in his life. All because no one was there at the critical juncture. You never met him, you never had the kind of positive healing influence on his life that he needed. And because of that he was plunged into a very dark world, a world that led to his own downfall, a world that led to three DUI charges, the last of which resulted in the tragic deaths of Roman, Sami, Eric, and Carrie Brady.”
Suddenly, they were back in the jail. John was lying on the cot immersed in guilt, weeping for the pain he’d caused others. “Oh.. God.. I’m so sorryā¦” he cried over and over againā¦ wishing there was something he could doā¦ and then glancing toward the front corner, he saw itā¦ a long screw had fallen off of something in his cell. At last, there was something he could use to accomplish his only remaining dutyā¦ At last, he could be free of the pain of his own losses and of the unbearably heavy weight of his guiltā¦ Quietly, he reached down and picked it, inspecting it closelyā¦. “Maybe that family will find some peace.. knowing I can’t ever hurt anyone againā¦ maybe one day she’ll be able toā¦ dance on my graveā¦ I hope soā¦” he said as tears of regret threatened to fall. Taking a deep breath, he knelt down and apologized once more, praying, “Dear Godā¦ I’m so sorry for what I’ve doneā¦ and I hope that you take care of herā¦.help her to find love againā¦ and to take comfort in the fact that I’ve sufferedā¦.. that I’ll never hurt anyone else.”
It was simply unbelievable. Crushed by the guilt resulting from his own misdeeds and the pain of his bleak existence, John Black was about to commit suicide in the holding area of the Salem Police Department, a place that in her reality, he once presided over as its Police Commander. Gabe wasn’t saying anything at all. Overwhelmed by how real it all seemed, forgetting that it wasn’t, Marlena was horrified by what she was seeing, as John held the sharp tipped screw so carefully over his left wrist, poised to slice into vulnerable flesh, veins and arteries. Shaking her head, she spoke in terrified disbelief, “Noā¦this is all wrong! No, Gabe.. NO!!. This can’t be happening.. John would never do something like thisā¦ He would never.. hurt my family that wayā¦ he would never take his own life!” Turning toward the angel who had guided her through an unpleasant journey into a different reality, one she wished into existence, she screamed at him, “Tell me that isn’t what happens! TELL ME, GABE!!” she demanded, feeling helpless to change the events that were being played out before her.
Dr. Marlena Evans was becoming increasingly alarmed, not to mention frustrated with her confounding traveling companion. Gazing in disbelief at the man on his knees, a sharp screw only centimeters from slicing into his wrist, she labored to maintain some semblance of composure, “Gabeā¦ I *need* you to explain this to meā¦ There is a part of me that still believes this is all just a bad dream I’m having, and in a few more minutes, I’m going to wake up. I’ll be sitting at John’s bedside and everything is going to be alright. “
“Marlenaā¦ what I’m saying is that whether this is a dream or some alternate reality, the ending is up to you. You have a critical decision to make tonight and it could impact the rest of John’s life, and yours as well.”
“Gabeā¦ what are you talking aboutā¦ this isn’t realā¦ none of this is real!” she screamed, staring into the jail cell. The man in that cell was a very different man than the one she knew and had loved for well over a decade, and he was about to take his own life because of the guilt for his mistakes. How did it fit with the reality she faced?
“Isn’t it though? How do you know, Marlenaā¦ what is real and what isn’t? Which reality you live in is only a matter of perspective.”
“I don’t understand, Gabeā¦ What are you trying to tell me?”
“Marlena, I haven’t heard you really trying to understand John’s actions from his point of view.. I’ve heard you blaming him for what was an accident that could have happened any time… and I’ve seen him guilt ridden and apologizing to you over and over again, anguished about what happened to your little boy.”
“Alright.. so maybe, I’ve been a littleā¦ harsh and judgmental about what happened today, but Brady may be dying, Gabe. And the reason the kids were arguing is a direct result of John’s recent behavior. Besides, what does all of that have to do with this strange trip you’ve taken me on? I feel like I’m in some bizarre version of Charles Dicken’s Christmas Carolā¦”
Gabe wasn’t saying anything and she turned her attention back to the jail cell, noticing how dark and dreary it looked, how forlorn the man in this reality was, imagining how hopeless and desperate he had to feel to contemplate taking his own life to atone for his actions.
As she heard him saying, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinnedā¦” the scene began to fade from view. She blinked and looked againā¦.. then she saw the bloodā¦.. there was so much blood on the walls and on the floor, on the bedā¦.she couldn’t even see John in the scene anymore. Her mind couldn’t accept what was happening right before herā¦ muttering as she closed her eyes once moreā¦ “It’s not realā¦ it has to be a dreamā¦ it’s just a bad dreamā¦.”
Almost immediately, or so it seemed, someone was shaking herā¦ calling her name, “Marlenaā¦ please wake upā¦ this is importantā¦”
Not fully alert, she moved around in the chair, seeking the comfort of sleep without dreams, “Whatā¦ whatā¦ leave me aloneā¦. It’s just a dream, I know it is.”
She heard a weary heartbroken sigh and the soft words that followed, “I wish it were, Marlenaā¦I’m sorry but what’s happening now is all too real.”
Suddenly, she snapped to attention, realizing who was speaking and to what he was alluding, “Oh my Godā¦ Bradyā¦ it’s Brady, isn’t it?” she asked looking up at him as a jolt of fear slammed her in the stomach, then glancing over at John, who seemed to be sleeping soundly. In the back of her mind there were fragments of memory, some disturbing dream about Johnā¦ in great despair, in some other place, some other time. She dismissed them in favor of her own distressing present, waiting for Mike to respond to her anxious query.
Mike nodded grimly, then answered reluctantly, “Yesā¦ I’m so sorry Marlenaā¦ but he’sā¦”
Mike hesitated and that was all the signal she needed, but she had to know, “He’s whatā¦ just tell me, Mike,” she demanded, fearing the worst.
“He’s dyingā¦ nowā¦ there’s nothing we can do, Marlenaā¦ the swelling in his brain has been increasingā¦ even with the shuntā¦ We were doing everything we could to slow it down, to prevent brain damageā¦ “
All she could do was shake her head and deny it in a tear choked whisper, “Noā¦ “
“I’m so sorryā¦ but his EEG indicatesā¦”
“Noā¦ no, Mikeā¦” she said, as this reality began to penetrate her defenses. It was what she had been trying to make John realize a few hours earlier, but this time she was the one who couldn’t accept it
“I’m so sorryā¦ we tried to save himā¦ but the head injury was so severeā¦ The truth isā¦ from the moment he fell, Brady never had a fighting chanceā¦”
She finally screamed, “Oh, Godā¦ no Mikeā¦ No, NO!”
John bolted upright in the bed at the terror in her voiceā¦ his eyes wide with fearā¦ his heart racing, “Whatā¦ Oh, My God, what?” he cried, searching for an answer in their anguished faces.
It was killing her to see his fear, realizing it would be even worse for him, “Oh, Johnā¦ honeyā¦.it’s about Bradyā¦.”
Her eyes told him all he needed to know, but he couldn’t face it any more than she could. “Noā¦ no..” he said in a whispered denial, his head shaking, his heart and mind reeling all the same.
Mike stepped in, putting a hand on John’s arm, wishing there was something he could do to make it easier, but realizing there was nothing. “I’m so sorryā¦but we couldn’t save him, Johnā¦ he’s still on life supportā¦ but he’s goneā¦ we couldn’t stop the swelling in his brainā¦”
“No, not my sonā¦ no, Mikeā¦ there must be somethingā¦there must be something you can do!” he cried out, desperate for a different answer.
Mike couldn’t look him in the eye at first, glancing toward the floor as he shook his head and sighed wearily. Finally, he looked up to meet John’s horrified gaze and replied evenly, “Noā¦I’m sorry but there isn’tā¦ it’s time to let him go, John. It’s time toā¦disconnect the life support.”
The despair laid in wait to claim himā¦ and still he resisted, his heart pumping blood in a state of panic, his voice shaking with the power of emotion, “Noā¦ no, I can’t do thatā¦ Noā¦I promised Isabellaā¦ I promised her I’d keep him safeā¦ but I didn’t. I didn’t keep him safeā¦”
Having instinctively moved closer, placing her right hand gently on his left, Marlena attempted to comfort him, “Oh, sweetyā¦. I’m so sorryā¦.” Then looking toward her colleague, she made a request, “Mikeā¦ can you bring in a wheelchairā¦ John and I will go see him togetherā¦ “
“No.. I don’t need any damn wheelchair!” John said angrily, unexpectedly pulling away from her touch and trying to stand up, swiping viciously with the backs of his hands at the tears that had begun to trickle out of his disbelieving eyes. He was shaky at best and seemed to falter after taking only a step or two. Marlena reached out a hand to steady him, but he waved her off a second time. She was blaming him for what happened; he heard her saying that she sometimes wished she’d never met himā¦ So why in the *hell* did she want to help him walk down the hall to watch their son die? No, he would go alone, on his own power, or not at all.
Mike and Marlena stood there next to the bed and watched him go. Mike said nothing and Marlena flashed a disconcerted expression that said, ‘I guess I had that comingā¦’
Nearly staggering down the corridor toward the ICU, John looked like a drunkard, bumping into furniture, almost falling down several times along the way. It was difficult to watch him teetering ever closer to the edge of disaster, but there was a depth of soul piercing pain in his eyes that stopped anyone who considered coming to his aide. His watery blue orbs told the story. John believed it was his penance to walk painfully, unsteadily and alone down that long hallway toward Brady’s death bed. John believed he didn’t deserve any help or support, for he was his son’s killer as surely as if there had been some disease in the boy’s body.
After what seemed like an eternity, John reached the doorway, his strength of will fading with the breath that left him in the moment his eyes fell upon that tiny body lying so still and silent on the bed. Machines kept him breathing artificially, but there was no life there. His beautiful son, the boy with the twinkling brown eyes, the boy who loved soccer and t-ball, whose favorite foods were pizza and chocolate chip cookiesā¦ the one who could spend the better part of a summer’s day looking for bugsā¦. that boy was already gone, traveling on to some other plane of existence.
John felt his legs buckling and almost fell to the ground as he choked on flood of tears. If not for the unyielding metal of the doorframe he would have been on his knees with the overwhelming upsurge of intense fearful grief. “Oh Godā¦ Brady!” He closed his eyes and then took a deep breath or twoā¦ talking to himselfā¦ ‘You can do thisā¦ he deserves for youā¦ to be the oneā¦ you owe him a proper goodbyeā¦ this isn’t life, John. You have to let him goā¦’
He approached the bed and lost his resolve, grasping at the bed rails to maintain an upright positionā¦his tight grip an attempt to remain in control. It was an attempt doomed to fail, as indeed he had already failed his boy. “Noā¦ I can’t do it.. I can’t tell them to.. pull the plugā¦ Oh, Bradyā¦ Oh, Godā¦ you can’t die little buddyā¦ I can’t lose youā¦ it should be meā¦I’m the one who deserves to die, not you. Dammit, it should be me!” he cried out in abject agony.
“No, Johnā¦don’t talk that way. It wasn’t your faultā¦ it was a horrible, tragic accidentā¦ everyone knows that.” Bless his unofficial adoptive motherā¦ she was so good to him, even when he didn’t deserve it.. she was so incredibly forgiving. He almost smiled.
Without turning to face her, he recalled that at least one person saw things differently, “Not Marlenaā¦ she thinks it was my faultā¦ and she’s rightā¦ I should be the one lying there.”
Hearing more than his words, Caroline Brady sought to downplay the lasting significance of comments made in the heat of the moment. “John, she was angry and frightenedā¦ she said some things she didn’t really meanā¦ I’m sure thatā¦”
Gently, he cut her offā¦ speaking firmly, “Noā¦ she said that she wished she’d never met me and she meant it. She doesn’t think I heard her because I was supposedly unconscious at the time, but I did. I heard every word she said.”
Deciding the specifics didn’t matter, his mother tried to convince him of something else, “John, you’re going to need each other to get through thisā¦”
Staring straight through the older woman, he yelled at her, the fear taking a stronghold over his heart and soul, “Get through thisā¦ you actually think we’re going to get THROUGH this!” Hearing footsteps behind them, Caroline thought it best not to respond to his outburst.
In the next instant, Marlena was there, standing beside him to his right, “I’m so sorryā¦. oh, honeyā¦ it’s just so horribleā¦ but we have to do what’s right for Bradyā¦ and find a way to survive.”
He whirled around to face off with her, again moving away from her touch, “You know.. I have to say I’m a little confused here.. wasn’t it you who was telling me that this was all my fault? Wasn’t it you who said that if Brady died you would never forgive me? I heard what you said when you thought I was completely out of itā¦ so why are you standing here trying to make me feel better? Didn’t you want to give me back that ring on your finger?”
Twirling the aforementioned piece of jewelry around her finger, she struggled for what she could say that would help to defuse a volatile situation, “Johnā¦ I’m sorry, I didn’t meanā¦.”
“Yes you didā¦” Noticing that the doctor had also arrived and was standing behind them, John effectively dismissed the ladies and addressed the younger man, saying quietly, “Mikeā¦ I want some time alone with himā¦ and then you do what you have to doā¦ I just can’tā¦ watch it happenā¦”
“Of courseā¦I understand, Johnā¦ you take all the time you need.”
“What I need is a miracleā¦ sad thing isā¦ it looks like I’ve already had my shareā¦”
“I’m sorryā¦ I’m so sorry, Johnā¦ “
“Yeaā¦ so am Iā¦ ” he muttered, stepping up close to the little boy he loved so deeply. Saying goodbye would be the most difficult thing he’d ever done, for this goodbye was permanent. Brady would never wake up and come running into the bedroom with the morning light, jumping on their bed asking for something to eat. He would never flash that disarming smile, never wink at him with those dancing gleeful eyes, never laughā¦Oh God! It was unbearable to contemplate a future in which his son did not existā¦
Sensing her ongoing presence, John spoke to the woman standing behind him, “Please, Marlena, leave me alone hereā¦ ” His tone of voice was deceptively even which only hinted at his torment, his body still, making him appear to be calm, almost in an eerie manner.
“Alrightā¦ if that’s the way you want itā¦”
“No, that’s the way it isā¦.”
“Johnā¦ “
“Pleaseā¦.”
She only nodded, tears filling her mournful eyes. They were both hurting so much and he couldn’t take comfort from her, nor give her the benefit of his arms around her. Because of what was spoken in the tense aftermath of the accident, they were apart when they most needed their love to guide them through their darkest hours.
And then he was alone. Alone with his precious son, a boy of only sixā¦ how could it be real? His little boy was brain dead, his body kept alive by mechanical devices? It didn’t seem possibleā¦. There were tubes in his nose and throat, an IV in his arm, the sounds of the ventilator the only ones he could hear, other than his own labored anxiety driven breathing. Taking a tiny hand, dwarfed as it was in both of his, John began to speak through quivering lips, “Oh, Bradyā¦ I’m so sorry, Sluggerā¦ this is all my faultā¦ Marlena was rightā¦ I messed upā¦ I lost sight of what was most importantā¦ and because of thatā¦ you’ve lost your life. You can’t knowā¦ how sorry Daddy isā¦ how much I wish I could trade places with youā¦ ” He stoppedā¦ tears clouding his vision, his throat raw and tight, his chest poundingā¦
Sobbing with sorrow, he climbed up onto the bed and held his son for the last time.. sitting there for while, only crying for what was lostā¦ “I’m so sorry, Bradyā¦ I’m so sorryā¦” At last, the tears seemed to abate for a moment and he bore the most impossible burden a parent could ever be required to face, saying words that should never have to be uttered, “I guess it’s time to say goodbye Bradyā¦.. I’m going to miss youā¦ so muchā¦ and I really hope.. you knowā¦ how much I love youā¦ what you brought to my lifeā¦ you knowā¦ I never got a chance to tell youā¦ cause you weren’t old enoughā¦ but you kept me alive after your mother diedā¦ you didā¦ I don’t knowā¦ what’s going to keep me alive nowā¦ I don’t even care if I liveā¦ God, I’m so sorryā¦I failed youā¦ I love you, Bradyā¦ I’ll love you forever..”
Not able to stay away for long, Marlena stood in the doorway for a moment, wishing she could share his pain, knowing somehow deep in her heart that if he tried to bear it alone, he would not survive. “Johnā¦ ” was all she said. It was a plea and an entreaty to his wounded guilt ridden spirit.
He looked up but made no replyā¦ Climbing off the bed, kissing Brady’s forehead, he said it one last time, his voice crackling with pain, “Goodbye sonā¦ go on nowā¦ you fly with the angelsā¦ find your Mommaā¦ be freeā¦and happy.” John brushed past her, his tear filled eyes meeting hers ever so briefly, signifying another goodbye of sorts.
She grasped his forearm to stop him, almost begging him to stay, “John, don’t goā¦ please.”
“I have toā¦ I have to.. pack my thingsā¦. “
“No, Johnā¦ that’s not what I wantā¦I was so wrongā¦ please don’t go.. stay here with me, nowā¦ stay in our homeā¦ we’ll find a way to survive thisā¦ together.”
It was excruciatingā¦ he glanced down at her slender handā¦ thinking how strange it was that her caring touch could bring with it such confusion and inner turmoil. He didn’t want her to stay with him out of griefā¦ out of sorrow for his suffering. “Do you love meā¦ do you really love me.. or are you doing this because it’s what you think I need?”
“Johnā¦ don’tā¦”
He wrenched his wrist out her grasp, suddenly angry with her, “Don’t what, Marlena.. don’t ask for the truth! I need to knowā¦ if this is about losing Bradyā¦ I’m not staying.. “
She was hurt and afraid, just as he was and she fought back a downpour of salty moistureā¦ her voice filled with emotion, “Of course it is, Johnā¦ when you love someoneā¦ you feel their painā¦ I feel yours.. and I feel mine, and I know that the only thingā¦ that will get us through the days, weeks and months ahead is the strength of our loveā¦ Don’t tell me you don’t think it’s strong enough?”
“I don’t know, Doc.. I don’t know a damn thing right now.” He stopped and paused to turn back toward the tiny body in a bed that was much too large, before continuing, “ā¦except that I wish to God it was me who was lying on the bedā¦ about to beā¦ disconnected from life as we know itā¦”
She nodded and looked at Brady too, the tears beginning to fall now, ” I knowā¦ I know, John.. and I’m so sorryā¦ I know that I said it was your fault.. I said a lot of things I regret nowā¦ “
He leaned in close to her, his breath hot on her neck as he whispered with intensity that told her he was at the breaking point, “Tell me something, Doctorā¦ do you only regret them because he.. died? Have you really stopped blaming me, or is it just that the psychiatrist in you doesn’t want me to go off the deep end?”
She was silent at firstā¦.and she couldn’t lie, “We’ve both made our mistakesā¦”
He laughed harshlyā¦ “Huhā¦ mistakesā¦. Brady is dead, and you say we’ve made mistakesā¦” Switching directions, his breath caught in his throat mid way through his next sentence, ” I have to goā¦andā¦ make the arrangementsā¦”
“Don’t do this, Johnā¦ don’t try to deal with this on your ownā¦ you don’t have toā¦ there a lot of people who care about youā¦ people who love you.”
Shaking his head, he thought to reply and then didn’t, his sad moist eyes telling her he believed there was no other way for him. Marlena followed him out the door and watched his retreating form until she could no longer see him. She wondered how they could ever recover from such a tragic loss, and pondered the question of how their once indestructible connection would handle being tested beyond their worst imaginings.
When he was gone from view, Marlena Evans closed her eyes, took a deep breath and steeled herself for her own goodbye to a little boy she loved so dearly that it never mattered that he was not her biological offspring. Brady Victor Black was her child every bit as much as Belle was, just as Carrie and the twins were her children. The ties that bound them together were created out of love, not genetics. Could a senseless tragic death such as this sever those bonds, causing irreparable damage to all their lives? And how could she even care about that when there was a sweet little boy lying motionless on a hospital bed next to her? Time stopped, the world came crashing to halt. It was impossible to believe that she would leave this hospital without that tiny boy. It was simply unfathomable. It was the end of a certain future and the beginning of a very long and arduous journey into a bitterly painful reality she never wanted to explore through personal experience.
It was so quiet, save for the eerie sounds of artificial life. Marlena forced herself to confront and absorb the image of her little boy connected to a respirator, IV’s inserted in his tiny veins, a heart monitor and EEG machine attached to him by way of modern technology. She had to face it in all its bitter intensity, the reality of his impending death. There was mechanical life, but no spirit presence. Little Brady was already gone, having passed on to the next phase of existence. As she contemplated her understanding of heaven, she thought of her dream, or was it a dream? Had Gabe, the angel John spoke of, actually appeared to her, to forewarn her of this tragedy? Is that why he had taken her on that journey into imagined realities, so that she was fully aware of how her choices and John’s had greater impact than on the immediate future?
It took every ounce of willpower she possessed to approach the bed and take a tiny hand in hers. Tears filled her eyes and began to spill over as she spoke to him, stroking his baby soft brown hair with her right hand, “Oh, Brady… I’m so sorry, baby… Mommy loves you so much… and I miss you already.. I hope you know that… Sweety, your Daddy… he’s blaming himself… you see… I blamed him too… I was so afraid… and so angry….and I yelled at him.. and told him it was his fault… Brady I think you know that I was wrong about that…. and I need your help sweety…. please… if you’re near… help him to understand that it was an accident.”
For a long time afterward, she sat by his bedside in relative silence, a cascade of tears flowing down her flushed red cheeks, alternately holding his hand and leaning down to embrace him as best she could, despite the equipment that seemed to dwarf the occupant of that bed. “Oh…. I don’t know how to let you go, Brady…. you know that I love you as much as any of our other children… and it’s going to be so… hard to learn to live without you…. “
* * *
Finally back in his hospital room after an interminable journey through the lonely hospital corridors, John was struggling to get dressed in street clothes, the physical pain of his injuries making it a daunting task at best. He felt as if he’d been run over by a truck… and that was before his son died. Now, he *wished* he were run over by a truck or a train, anything but on his way to planning an unexpected funeral, followed by a hopeless empty existence without his sweet innocent six year old son. It was simply unimaginable that he was going to say goodbye to a million futures with his adorable boy. ‘Oh, Brady… this can’t be happening… this just can’t be happening!’ Tears flooded his eyes and he could hardly see to find his socks and shoes.
A tender voice filled the air unexpectedly, her compassion almost irresistibly tempting, “John, honey….you’re hurt… I don’t think you should leave the hospital, and Mike says that..”
He fought it out, believing he didn’t deserve any consideration after what he’d done, and fired off his frustration at his fiancĆ©e “I don’t give a damn what Mike says! And, what you think.. doesn’t matter a whole lot right now either… I’m going…” he said firmly, returning to the task at hand, donning his mock turtleneck shirt. He tried… but the simple act of reaching his arms over his head caused intense pain, “Oh…” he groaned, squelching it as best he could. A wave of dizziness washed over him as he nearly completed the move; he lurched…then lost his balance.
She was there to catch him before he fell…hard. “Honey… please… you’re in no shape to leave here… and besides there is no Jeep for you to drive.. remember?”
“Oh… yea.. I forgot…” he said, almost collapsing onto the bed, defeated. “I wrecked it… Damn! I wish it could have been me… it should have been me, Doc… I should be the one who died!” he cried, his face clouded over with rapidly deepening despair.
How she longed to take him in her arms, to kiss away his pain, and her own as well, but she knew he couldn’t accept it, not now. Instead, she held her ground, standing nearby but leaving him his pride and the distance he seemed to need. “John, no…. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry for what I said… for blaming you… I was wrong, John… I was so wrong… Honey, what happened to Brady was an accident, a horrible.. tragic accident… Please believe me.. it wasn’t your fault..”
He was shaking his head vehemently, part of him appreciating that what she was doing was coming for her heartfelt love and concern for him, the other part so lost in guilt he couldn’t accept it. “Don’t you get it, Doc! I AGREE WITH YOU!!! he shouted, then just as quickly the decibel level dropped to a soft whisper, “I killed him… I killed my own son… ” he lamented.
Seeing the depths of his pain in his misty blue eyes, she couldn’t resist any longer, reaching out for him, her left arm going around his injured body, her right hand moving toward his unshaven cheek, bruised as it was from his accident. “No, John… no baby, you didn’t… you didn’t kill your son… Brady died… because he fell off the playground equipment…”
Pulling away slightly, he denied her assertion and changed directions, “Whatever you say… Look, Doc, I have something to ask you and I want the honest truth… Will you give it?”
“Yes, of course.. what is it?” she asked, staring directly at him, wondering where he was headed.
“If Brady were alright right now… if you knew that he was going to recover… would you have given me back the ring tonight?”
She looked down at the symbol of their commitment, twisting it around her finger a couple of times, hesitating briefly…. He sighed…then labored to stand again, wavering and having to hold onto the over bed table for some much needed stability. “I thought so… Goodbye, Doc… ” he said, not able to meet her eyes to see his same conclusion in them.
“No, John… don’t go… please.. I think we need to talk more about this…and you’re badly hurt…honey, you can barely stand….. please don’t go like this…” she pleaded, anxious to help him on all levels.
“Nope, I think we’ve said all there is to say…. You said it in the hallway out there and in your office…you even said it in your silence just now… It’s over..” Struggling valiantly to prove her wrong about being too weak, John moved away from the table and sat in a chair, then started on his socks, stifling another groan, his battered ribs screaming out their agony as he leaned forward.
It was shocking to hear him utter those parting words with such finality in his tone. “No, it’s not over! I love you… and you love me…”
“That doesn’t matter anymore…. My LIFE is over!” he shouted through eyes brimming with moisture. With quivering lips he shared his innermost thoughts, “I promised Isabella that I would keep him safe… and I failed.. It was the most important job I’ve ever had in my whole life and I failed… and now… I gotta go and figure out how I’m going to say goodbye… I have to go and look at caskets… to put my little boy in… and then I have to… stand there and watch them…. lower him into the ground…I wish it was me, Doc… Oh God, I wish it was me!” he said, burying his head in his hands and choking back tears.
“No… no, honey… don’t say that… don’t say that… it wasn’t your fault… I’m so sorry for putting that on you… it was terribly wrong… “
Lost in self recrimination, he couldn’t hear her… “No.. everything you said to me, Doc… it’s all true… I was so caught up in finding out about my past that I forgot about everything else.. I neglected you and the kids.. Sami… Carrie… everybody…and for what! For my own selfish pursuits… and now…. I’ve gotten my punishment, haven’t I…. My son is gone forever… I’m so sorry, Marlena…. you can’t know how much.”
She couldn’t bear to see him suffering such torment and wept for his pain, more than for her own, “Oh, honey…no… listen to me, baby…. It may be true that you were wrapped up in finding out about your missing years… but losing Brady isn’t a punishment, honey… God doesn’t work that way… you have to know that..”
He glared up at her, “No…no I don’t! I don’t know a *damn* thing, Doc… except that all my hopes and dreams for my little boy were destroyed today… and all I can see is that… I’m the one to blame for it.. If I had been there for him, if I were.. paying attention like I should have been, this would never have happened… there wouldn’t have been anything for Belle and Brady to fight over.”
It happened at the same time…. “Belle…. Oh, my God…. we haven’t told Belle….” Their eyes met, exchanging unspoken horrors…. how would they tell her that her brother, her best friend and constant companion had died as a result of the fall she initiated by pushing him? How could they keep her from feeling the same guilt her father was now expressing? Before his fiancĆ©e could speak, John voiced his intention to take it on himself, “Marlena… I want to tell her it was my fault…. not hers… I don’t want Belle blaming herself… promise me… you’ll back me up when I tell her that I’m the one to blame for what happened.” His eyes were begging her to go along, containing a desperation she’d rarely seen behind the blue.
Shaking her head, she disagreed, knowing it was the wrong course to take. Taking a step toward him again, she gazed deeply into his eyes, beseeching him to see it from her point of view, “Oh John….. no, that’s not right…..”
“Doc, I know her…. she was talking about it being her fault already…. and I don’t want her going through this thinking she caused his death…. it’s not right for her to suffer like that… If we agree and I make it clear that I’m ultimately to blame, maybe she won’t focus on her part in it. Please Doc, it’s the least I can do….for both of you.”
“Alright, but only if she starts to blame herself…. John and we know the truth…. it was an accident, a terrible tragic….accident and I’m sorry that I ever made it seem otherwise. I was angry and I was frightened, but I was wrong, John…. “
There was no strength left to argue…. “Okay… so when do you want to tell her?”
“As hard as it is, honey… I think we need to tell her now, John….. before they… before….” Her voice broke and she couldn’t finish the thought, her hands cupping her mouth in a gesture meant to contain the fear and the pain that sought to envelope her.
She was worried when she noticed him backing away from her and shaking his head, as if the reality suddenly struck him full force too…. His voice was trembling, as was he, his eyes demonstrating a soul piercing agony for which there were no words, “Before they take.. the….body.. Oh, God, Doc…. he’s really not my.. son anymore, is he? He’s just a… lifeless… body..” Without warning the physical and emotional pain combined to take control and John went down with a powerful wave of grief, his knees striking the unyielding tile floor with great force. “Oh, GOD!”
In less than seconds she was on the floor with him, their arms instinctively reaching out to hold each other, as if that very act would keep them alive, would keep them from imploding from the agony inside. “Oh baby… I’m so sorry…. Oh, my God, John….” They sat there on the floor, rocking, weeping, holding on tight, wishing it were some bizarre shared nightmare from which they would soon awaken.
A knock on the door broke them out of their moment of misery, forcing their attention toward the sound. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the open display of emotion, John swiped at the moisture on his face with the backs of his hands and stood up to meet whoever was behind that door. Marlena did the same, watching him all the while, concerned about both his health and his emotional state at the same time.
“Hi, I uh… I’m sorry to interrupt you…. but the Coroner is here…. “
Their eyes flew open wide and John asked the question, not thinking clearly, “Coroner…. but why, Mike?”
“It’s an accidental death…. there has to be an autopsy.”
Unable to fully accept the reality of his situation, John protested, “Oh, no…. no… not little Brady… please….”
“I’m so sorry, John… but.. you know it’s standard procedure in a death like this. Did you want to see him one last time before they take him?”
The tearful couple nodded in unison and Marlena answered for them, saying quietly, “Yes, we have to talk to Belle and give her the chance to see him… if she chooses.”
“Of course… you take all the time you need…”
“Thank you, Mike… we appreciate it…” After the apologetic doctor had disappeared, leaving them alone again, Marlena turned back to face John who had slumped onto the bed, the physical pain of his injuries combined with the soul searing emotional anguish forcing him to lie down. He was on his right side facing her, his breathing labored, the muscles of his face taut with pain, his eyes slightly vacant, as if he were going into shock. “John… honey?”
There was no response at all……
The mood was somber, the sadness palpable, and yet the bereaved parents were dressed up and looking amazingly composed, at least that’s what those who knew them were saying while standing back in disheartened observance. What they didn’t truly understand was that John and Marlena were in shock at the moment. The full impact of their loss might not make itself known until several days, weeks, or months had passed. What a blessing. For if they realized the enormity of their loss, if they were able to comprehend in these moments the all encompassing nature of what was taken from them, they would not be standing there pleasantly greeting the hundreds of supporters, politely shaking hands and saying, “Thank you for coming.” No, if the pain had completely penetrated their defenses, they would not be in attendance at all. Thankfully, they were wrapped up in the protective blanket of their stunned and numb sense of unreality.
As everyone made their way into the sanctuary and took a seat, the music to a familiar song began to play over the speaker system. A sad smile creased the lips of many a parent with young children as they recognized the tune….
I used to think that I could not go on
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I’m leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there’s nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day……..
It was so unreal. Much like a bad dream that would come to an end. Brady lying in a tiny coffin which was surrounded by many of his favorite play things, his lifeless body dressed in a dark suit, his brown hair perfectly combed, his eyes now and forever closed. This was their little boy. How could they be sitting in a church full of people prepared to say goodbye to him? It wasn’t right, it simply couldn’t be happening! Spring was just around the corner and Brady should soon be riding that bike, or gleefully speeding down the path in the park on his well broken in Roller Blades.
John looked at Marlena, his blue eyes tortured and brimming with unshed tears. She took one glance at the agony in those eyes and burst into tears herself, leaning into the strength of his arms. “Oh, John… how are we going to get through this?”
Shaking his head, he met her gaze with an anguished expression that made her ache for his suffering, but had no verbal reply. John wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, he wanted to run from this unspeakable horror, but he knew he had to be there for her. The five days since his little boy fell to his death had been a hellish nightmare of physical and emotional pain, their relationship in turmoil. What the future held, John did not know, but in this excruciatingly painful time they were together, holding on to each other purely for survival reasons. Sitting next to them on his right side, was their beautiful little blond haired girl, Belle, without whom they weren’t entirely certain they would even be alive. She was the only glimpse of light in a suddenly very dark world.
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly……….
Belle’s face bore a sweet smile of innocence as she exclaimed rather excitedly, “Mommy, Daddy…. that’s Brady’s favorite song… from Space Jam… he loves that movie!”
John was shaking his head, struck speechless, a quiet sigh of distress escaping as he thought of all the times they watched it and talked about Michael Jordan, then went outside to shoot baskets together. Marlena nodded and spoke to their daughter through quivering lips, in hushed broken tones, “Yes, honey….. that’s why we’re playing it. This is for Brady… this whole day is about Brady… celebrating his life… telling him.. and everyone else… how much we love him and it’s about… saying… goodbye.”
The smile faded as reality struck her heart too, “I wish we didn’t have to say goodbye to Brady. I miss him already.”
Hugging her daughter, she agreed, “Oh, honey…I wish we didn’t either…. but we do, Belle baby… he’s gone and his spirit… is.. up in.. heaven now…”
“Is Brady with his first Mommy ?” Belle asked, thinking about what her one of her cousins had said earlier.
Seeing Marlena on the brink of breaking down again, John finally regained his composure enough to answer a question, forcing a smile for his daughter’s benefit, “Yes, sweet heart, he’s with his first Mommy. Brady is in heaven with Isabella now.”
Her tiny lips trembled as she searched for something positive to say, intuitively sensing that her father needed that from her, “I’m real glad that she’s up there waiting for him, Daddy….. then he won’t be… so scared… all by himself.”
It was unbearable, but there was some small measure of comfort in that. Fighting back tears, his voice thick with emotion, John agreed, “You’re right sweetheart…. I’m very glad that…. Brady won’t… be alone.”
“I know you’re real sad about it, Daddy…..and you too Mommy. I’m sad too, but we still have each other… don’t we?”
“Oh, yes sweety girl… we have each other….and your Daddy and I are very grateful for that.” Marlena looked over at John, who was suddenly silent, and began to worry about him again. He wasn’t handling this well, but then again what would handling it well look like? ‘How do you *handle* the death of a child?’ she was asking herself as she watched his face cloud over, his mind taking him to places she couldn’t go. She often wondered what he was thinking when he had that faraway look in his eyes, and then he’d shut them and he was lost to her for a time.
His hands were clamped with a vise like grip on the wooden pew and his eyes were shut tight, the muscles of his face contorted. It appeared that he was struggling to maintain control…..as if he were afraid that he might explode with the power of the grief and the guilt he was feeling about his perceived role in his young son’s death.
Sitting to his left, she reached out her right hand to give his arm a gentle squeeze. He let out a breath and opened his eyes to look at her and the tears flowed out like water breaking through a dam. “Oh God, it was my fault, Doc…. he died because of me. I promised her… right here in this church… I promised Isabella that I would… always take care of him… and I failed… “
“No, John…. no honey… you didn’t… it was a horrible tragic accident, John… please don’t do this to yourself…”
He didn’t bother to deny it again. Leaning over to rest his elbows on his knees, he dropped his head into his hands, weeping a steady stream of silent tears.
Belle, ever the sensitive one, leaned over and put a tiny hand on his back. “I love you Daddy…. and you’ll always have me….I know it was just a accident. We all do.”
In some ways, that made him feel even worse. His four year old daughter was trying to comfort him, when he should be doing that for her. Without a word he folded her into his lap and held her close. Marlena leaned over and he slipped his left arm around her shoulders. They stayed huddled together for a long while as the Priest read from the scriptures and recited a brief sermon.
Next there was a video playing scenes of a short life, a happy life…. to an upbeat song that seemed to match the spirit of their sweet boy. Marlena had chosen it in a brief moment of clarity and John had gone along, not having been able to even think about the funeral service, let alone get involved in planning it with her.
Baby baby
I’m taken with the notion
To love you with the sweetest of devotion
Baby, baby
My tender love will flow from
The bluest sky to the deepest ocean
Stop for a minute
I’m so glad you’re mine, yeah
You’re mine
Again their eyes met, hazel and blue, moist and ready to overflow. They leaned closer, nearly throwing their arms around each other, holding on so tight they almost couldn’t breathe. It was unfathomable… that adorable little boy appearing on the screen was forever gone from their lives. No more silly moments at play to capture on film… there would be nothing more with him. How was that even possible?
John was muttering, “My fault…it should have been me….should have been me….”
“No… don’t you say that…. “
Baby, baby
The stars are shining for you
And just like me I’m sure that they adore you….
Stars….. Isabella’s star was up above them…. and now… little Brady was to join her in the heavens… He gazed skyward and spoke to her in his mind, ‘Well, Izzy… at least you’re together now…. God, I’m so sorry Izzy B… I let you down… I failed our boy..’
Marlena sensed what he was thinking and reached out for his hand. Desperate to connect with him, she whispered through her fearful tears, “John… it wasn’t your fault….please stop this…stop torturing yourself…”
He nodded and wiped his eyes, realizing that his son deserved this tribute and he shouldn’t be focused on himself, but said nothing. John directed his attention back to the video, displaying scenes of the family playing together in the park the previous summer and fall.
Baby, baby
Go walking through a forest
The birds are singing you a chorus
Stop for a minute
Baby, they’re so glad you’re mine, oh yeah…….
There were smiles alternating with tears on every face as some of the children’s antics flashed before them. Dressing up in funny costumes, silly jokes, messy meals, bath times and nap times, a tear or two, and lots of giggles and grins. Playing ball, splashing in the sprinklers. Wrestling and tickling, and chasing Daddy all over the house as Mommy filmed them. Birthdays and holidays and ordinary every day moments. Even if the couple was not yet bound by the vows of marriage, it was a special glimpse inside a family founded on the strongest, most abiding of loves.
And ever since the day you put my heart in motion
Baby, I realize that there’s just no getting over you…….
When it was finished, a hush fell over the sanctuary, and the soft sounds of weeping were the only noise to be heard. Father Tim honored the expression of emotion and said nothing for long moments. Finally, he found another scripture to read, as a move toward closing the service, Psalm 23.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul
He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his name’s sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me…..
When he completed the reading, he followed up by talking more specifically about the loss suffered, attempting to put it into eternal perspective, a daunting task at best. “As you have seen and heard today, Brady Victor Black was loved and cherished as the gift he was to John and Marlena, to Belle and everyone else who loved him. His short life was full of joy and laughter. And as much as we all hate to say goodbye to someone so young, we know that he is indeed in a very safe place that we call heaven. He is at home with the Lord God our Father, and his life there will also be filled with joy, and peace, and everlasting love. “
Father Tim, who also found himself struggling with powerful feelings of loss, continued with a gesture that signaled the congregation to bow their heads in prayer. “Oh, Gracious God… as your son wept with Mary and Martha at the tomb of Lazarus, look now with compassion on those who grieve, especially… John and Marlena and little Isabella Black. Grant them the assurance of your presence now in their pain, and faith in your eternal goodness, that in them may be fulfilled the promise…. That those who mourn shall be comforted; through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen.
And now let us rise together and recite the Lord’s Prayer……”
Holding on tight to each other, the gathering of friends and family members stumbled through the prayer, weeping all the while, for there was no understanding, no true comfort for the agony of this senseless untimely death. Not now, when the pain was so fresh and raw, and maybe not ever. Only time would tell.
“Our Father who art in heaven
Hallowed be they name
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory
Forever and ever. Amen.”
At that point, there was nothing more to be said. It was time to leave, to meet and break bread together, and then sadly to begin the work of mourning. The congregation slowly shuffled out, their hearts heavy with grief as the small family lingered by the small white coffin that bore one very special person.
The mood of the final song they had chosen to play as the funeral service came to an end was more sober than the last, a song of farewell to a life cut much too short.
I will be walking one day
Down a street far away
And see a face in a crowd and smile
Knowing how you made me laugh
Hearing sweet echoes of you from the past
I will remember you…..
John and Marlena stood near the coffin, touching Brady’s little hands, tenderly caressing the baby soft skin on his sweet face, and stroking his silky brown hair, knowing it was the last time they would spend with him in their life on earth. Having decided upon cremation, there would be no graveside service of committal. John turned to face the woman he loved and shook his head as the song spoke the words he could not utter, tears of soul deep anguish flowing unfettered down his flushed red cheeks.
Look in my eyes while you’re near
Tell me what’s happening here…..
She shook her head too, and wept some more as well, her glistening hazel orbs having no answer for him. There *were* no answers to the questions that came after the death of a young child. “I don’t know how to do this, Doc,” he said, still clinging desperately to one of his little boy’s hands.
Breaking into sobs, she echoed his lament, as she embraced him, willing him to accept the love she had to offer, worried that when the service was over he would go off alone again. “Oh, John… I don’t either, honey… but we’ll face it…every day…. together…”
John nodded and let out a sigh embodying the heart crushing weary sadness he felt, then drew back to take her hand in his as a tiny one suddenly filled the other. The three of them left the sanctuary in silence, not fully cognizant of the despair they would experience in the weeks and months ahead, but somehow realizing that nothing about their lives would ever be the same.
See that I don’t want to say goodbye
Our love is frozen in time
I’ll be your champion
And you will be mine
I will remember you…….
They stopped as they reached the frame of the heavy wooden doors and turned in unison to take one last look at Brady, lying so still and silent in his coffin. John spoke on behalf of all of them, saying softly, “Goodbye, Slugger… we love you very much, and we’ll never… forget you..”
I will remember you…….
I’m gonna live my life
Like every day’s the last….
The three of them, John, Marlena, and Belle, sat in the black limousine near the Pub for the longest time, peering through darkened windows. Lost in the deafening silence, they watched their friends and family members arriving in cars and minivans, going into the Pub for another Brady-Horton family gathering. It was a universal–weddings and funerals always brought them together.
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast….
Marlena looked at John and reached for his hand, somehow knowing they were thinking the same thing yet again. How they longed for it to be a happy occasion which caused them to gather on this day, such as their own upcoming wedding. But that was nothing more than a distant dream now. Who knew if it were ever going to come to pass. With their sweet little boy gone, it hardly seemed to matter. Nothing mattered.
And now that you’re gone
I can’t cry hard enough……
And still, wasn’t there some value in sharing the grief, in knowing that no other person in the world could understand what was lost? Not even Belle could know, for she was too young and it was her brother, not her child. There was no one else who would ever comprehend just how far reaching this was, how Brady’s absence touched every single corner of their lives, how it caused physical pain inside their bodies. No one could ever know or understand this pain the way John and Marlena did. Unfortunately, it was theirs alone to bear.
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now….
“I can’t do this, Doc.”
It had been so quiet, she jumped at the sound of his voice and then turned to face him, compassion and understanding in her amber eyes. “I know….”
“No, I mean I can’t… do this… go in there and stand around with all those people, listening to them say how sorry they are, or that we should be thankful for the time we had with him, and how he’s in a.. better place now. It’s all such bullshit, Doc… and I don’t want to do it!”
“John… “
Alerted by her tone, shame washed over him as he realized what he’d just said. Turning toward their little girl who was sitting quietly in the back seat, he apologized, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Belle honey… Daddy’s pretty…. upset, but I shouldn’t talk like that.”
Ever forgiving, Belle said, “That’s okay, Daddy… I understand, you’re real sad about Brady. I am too… I wish he could come back down and play with me… cause I think I might feel kind of lonely sometimes.”
Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I’ve let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite……..
Marlena had fought back tears long enough and they started to leak out as she tried to comfort their daughter, her voice choked with emotion. “Oh, sweety…. I know… I wish he could too….but we all have to find a way to say goodbye and let him go. It’s going to be hard… the hardest thing we ever have to do, but we’ll be together…. won’t we, Daddy?” She was imploring John to join them, to allow their love to sustain him, but she could see that he might not be ready.
He looked at her and couldn’t say anything at first, his tortured blue eyes brimming with unshed tears, his throat tight with grief. Finally, he managed to choke out a short phrase filled with meaning, “I.. have to go…”
She put a hand on his forearm, begging him with her eyes, if not her words, to stay with her, “No, John… don’t do this, please don’t try to face this alone… it’ll destroy you.”
There it goes
Up in the sky……
Leaning toward her and lowering his voice to a barely audible whisper, he spoke in Marlena’s ear, “Oh, really… I thought that was what just happened. My life was blown apart the night he died, Doc… there isn’t a hell of a lot left to destroy. Now, I gotta go…. “
She tried to hold him, but he pulled away. “Where are you going, John?”
He just shook his head. “I don’t know, Doc.. I don’t know.”. All he knew was that he felt trapped and he had to get out of there. Desperation seized his heart, driving him away from the crowd of concerned onlookers, away from the sadness, and the tears, and the pain. Away.
It was all she could do not to scream, but she kept her fears in check so that she could impart an important message. “I love you, I love you with all my heart, John….and I need you. And Belle needs you… very much. Please don’t forget that.” She squeezed his hand before he climbed out of the vehicle and left her alone to face the onslaught of sorrowful well-wishers.
There it goes
Beyond the clouds
For no reason why…..
He nodded, hesitating almost imperceptibly, and then took off at a pace that was half way between a walk and a run. In the distance, he thought he heard a tiny little voice calling after him, “I love you, Daddy…”
I can’t cry hard enough……
He ran until he was out of breath, and found himself at the park, not recalling precisely how he’d gotten there. The ballpark where his little Slugger man played t-ball. He closed his eyes and an image appeared–Brady’s smiling face, proud of himself for getting a good hit after two near misses. The little boy was beaming, and when he looked up into the crowd and saw his father, his smile was even wider, his soft brown eyes a little brighter.
The pleasant memory faded, superseded by a vision of that same small boy lying on a hospital bed, limp and lifeless, wires and tubes attached in half a dozen places on his little body. “Oh God, Brady…. why….why?”
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now……
Suddenly the anger usurped the power and he yelled at the top of his lungs while looking skyward. “Why, God.. WHY… WHY did you TAKE HIM FROM ME?
The anger surged and the sadness crept up behind it, the strong tide of emotion overwhelming his ability to cope. Again and again, he cursed and wailed out his laments, “I hate you, I HATE you God! Do you HEAR ME? I HATE YOU!!”
His energy spent, John went down on his knees in the dirt near home plate, powerful choking sobs wracking his worn out body, as he tried to make sense of madness. “I don’t understand… I loved him.. I know I wasn’t the best father… but I tried, God.. and you know I loved him.. So, why’d you do it…why’d you take him? “
There were no answers, only questions and pain. The gut wrenching, soul searing pain of loss that only a parent can know. Children are a piece of immortality and when they’re taken, it shatters something deep inside. John had always realized that on some level, but now he knew how it felt to be on the losing end. First Isabella and now their son.
Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there….
Still wobbly, he pulled himself up by grabbing onto the backstop, remembering another ballgame from long ago. A woman with long dark hair tucked up underneath her ball cap was smiling, having just hit a home run. “Oh, God, Izzy B.. I failed you both… I didn’t keep my promises… I’m sorry, I’m SO SORRY!” It was unbearable.
“It should’ve been me, God.. Dammit! It should’ve been ME!!” He looked up into soft white clouds on a blue background, thinking how it should have been raining, gray thunderheads above him. His world was dark and stormy, why shouldn’t the rest of humanity join him in that tumultuous darkness.
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair….
The sound of a familiar voice made him jump. “John…”
He turned around, his mouth agape, his cobalt eyes indicating his anger and sense of betrayal. And then John spoke to the figure standing there against the backstop, as if he were a snake spitting venom. “What the hell do YOU want?”
“I came to help you understand, to help you find a way to deal with this tragedy.” He took a step toward the grieving father.
“Oh, isn’t that just…” Not trusting himself, John quit in mid sentence, shaking his head in disgust, a heavy sigh escaping his lips. “Please, go away…” He held his right arm out in front of his body, his hand flexed, suggesting his unwanted company leave him be.
The man stood firm, his tone matching his determination. “You need me, John….”
“No…. I needed you… past tense! Brady *needed* you five days ago when he fell. Where the hell were you then, Gabe!”
* * *
She watched her almost-husband go, weeping for him, for herself, and for Belle, who was too young to truly comprehend all that had been lost. It would take years before the permanency of Brady’s absence settled in for her. For now, sweet little Belle was the one ray of sunshine amidst the thick dark clouds of despair which surrounded them.
But John felt all of it now, all of the pain and all of the guilt. He felt he was responsible for his boy’s death, believing that if he hadn’t been so wrapped up in his past, it wouldn’t have happened at all. There would have been no argument between his children, no pushing and shoving while they were several feet off the ground. Brady would be safe and sound at home with them on this warm sunny day which hinted of Spring.
Watching his rapidly retreating form through the open car door, Marlena was worried for him, and her first thought was prayer, though she was not at all convinced it would do any good.
After all, the most important prayers of their life together had fallen on deaf ears. Brady died even as they were begging for his life to be spared. God had not given them the greatest desire of their hearts, so what was the point in praying ever again? It made no sense. God, if he did exist, in his infinite wisdom would do whatever he thought best, so why bother asking him for anything in the first place? The only sure thing was that if there was a God, and if there was a place or state of being called heaven, Brady would be there, for he was an innocent.
The voice of an earthly angel interrupted her silent spiritual pondering. “Mommy, can we go see Gampa and Gamma and the cousins now?
“Of course we can, honey… I’m sorry, I was just thinking.”
“About Daddy…. and Bwady, huh? Daddy thinks it’s his fault what happened, doesn’t he?”
“Yes, he does sweetheart. He feels terrible about yelling that day, and he thinks that it’s his fault you had an argument with Brady.”
“But Momma, me and Bwady had lots of arg…u…” She stopped, deciding it was too big a word. “We had lots of fights… about toys, and movies….”
Taking Belle’s tiny hand in hers, Marlena tried to help her understand, “I know that, honey, and so does Daddy. But because Brady got hurt during this one and you were fighting about Daddy, he’s blaming himself.”
She was still confused and the memory of that horrible day came right back to her. “But it’s really my fault. I’m the one who pushed Brady.”
Impulsively, Marlena drew her sweet baby into a tight embrace, willing her little girl to accept what she was about to say. “No, no, honey… it’s not your fault. And it’s not Daddy’s fault either. It was just a terrible accident that we all wish didn’t happen, and it’s going to take a very long time before we stop feeling like we should have done something different that day.”
“Yea…and a long time until we stop feeling so sad. I miss my brother…. Why can’t he come back?” Her tiny eyes filled with tears which quickly began to dot her navy blue dress.
It broke Marlena’s heart to see her daughter weep so powerfully. She was too young to know suffering like this. “Oh, I know you do, so do I, baby…. and I don’t know why he can’t come back. I guess when you die, you just… can’t.”
“Brady is in heaven now, with Jesus.” She said it like it was a question.
Her mother nodded and replied softly, her throat tightening with grief. “Yes… he’s in heaven now.” Another round of tears welled up and threatened to wash over the confines of her eyes. “Are you ready to go inside?”
“Yes Momma, I’m kind of getting hungry… “
Her daughter’s apologetic tone made Marlena wince and she hugged and lightly tickled the blond cherub as they climbed out of the limousine. “Well, of course you are… let’s go and get that tummy something to eat before it starts to growl at us.”
“Silly Mommy…” A beautiful smile of innocence appeared on that sweet face and it made Marlena feel good just to see it in the midst of their pain. She took Belle’s tiny hand in hers, and together they entered the Pub. They were immediately surrounded by the warm loving support of good friends and family.
And now that you’re gone
I can’t cry hard enough
No, I can’t cry hard enough
For you to hear me now…..
As he was about to walk away, Gabe reached out and grasped the man’s left forearm, willing him not to leave. “Don’t do this, John.”
“Do what… reject you?”
The man was angry and he had a right to be, but he was also being evasive. “You know what I mean.”
He scoffed. “Do I? Well, why don’t you clue me in, Gabriel, the angel who came too late… cause I’m not sure I’m with you.”
Ignoring the jibe, Gabe phrased it in a way that would get his point across without seeming confrontational. “You’re playing the Lone Ranger, John. It’s not a role that suits you well.”
A trace of a wry grin appeared against his will. “Oh, and who are you supposed to be, Tonto?” he said with more than a hint of sarcasm.
“If necessary.” John blinked and the man was dressed as the stereotypical American Indian, with buckskin clothing and what looked to be a hand crafted pair of moccasins on his feet. He shook his head and looked again and Gabe was dressed all in white–his usual attire.
“I saw you smile, John.”
“Yea… so what. Suppose you tell me just what is it you think you can do for me now, Gabe? Are you going to give him back? If you are, then get on with it. And if you’re not, then please just leave me the hell alone!”
There it goes
Up in the sky…….
“You’re angry, that’s to be expected and you’re hurting, a lot, John… but that doesn’t mean you have to abandon your faith.”
He laughed out loud at the absurdity of it. Then he shouted out a reply that clearly demonstrated his feelings of sadness and disillusionment, “Oh, my faith… WHAT FAITH! I cried, and I screamed, and I begged him, Gabe… I begged him all night long to give me back my little boy. I pleaded with him when I was naked and down on my knees in the shower.. but you know what… he said NO!”
“I’m sorry…” His voice was soft, almost a whisper.
“You’re sorry, I’m sorry… everybody’s sorry… and I have no reason to believe anymore. I’m *through* with it!”
The man was fiddling with something, and Gabe couldn’t quite make it out, but guessed without saying anything. Then John spoke again, explaining as he held the item out in front of his body, “You want to know something… I’ve been carrying this thing around with me for five days, Gabe… This collar I used to wear around my neck…” Suddenly, he was staring at the angel in white, asking a question which demanded an answer, “Is that it… did he take my son because I quit serving him? Is this my punishment for leaving the Priesthood?”
“Oh, John… you know better than that. You had God’s blessing in your choice to make a life with Marlena and your children.”
“Correction.. my child…. I *used* to have two children. A son… I had a son… Well, I guess maybe HE wanted me to know what it felt like…”
“John.. stop this…”
There it goes
Beyond the clouds…..
“Why… can’t he take my anger? Am I hurting his feelings?”
“It’s self destructive, John… it won’t help you.”
For no reason why……
“Do you think I care about that… Do you think I care about ANYTHING right now? It hurts so bad I want to die, Gabe! On my way over here, I thought for a second about stepping in front of a truck.”
“I know… and that’s why I’m here… to help you survive the hardest time.”
“I don’t want your help. If you’re not going to give him back, there’s nothing you can do for me, so please.. just go and leave me alone with my memories and my pain.”
The man’s tortured blue eyes were trained on a bar that sat just across from the ball field and Gabe practically read his mind. “That’s not the answer either, John.”
He wasn’t surprised the angel knew what he was thinking. “Oh, isn’t it though? At least it’ll dull the pain for awhile…. better than nothing.”
“Not better than love, John…. Marlena and Belle are hurting too.”
The helpless frustrated anger flared again, and the guilt. “Don’t you think I KNOW that! I caused it… I did!” Jabbing a finger in his own chest, he yelled, “It’s all my fault he’s dead, Gabe… I killed my own son… what the hell is wrong with me?”
Now they were at the heart of the matter, a beginning. “No you didn’t, John… he fell off the climbing structure. It was a horrible tragic accident, you didn’t cause it.”
Overwrought, John started to walk around his supernatural friend, randomly punching at the fencing that encircled the ballpark, barely aware that he was slicing up the knuckles on both hands. “Yes I did. I was so caught up in what I needed, what *I* wanted. Marlena hit the nail on the head. She said I hardly seemed to know where I lived anymore. She was exactly right, Gabe. Because of my self absorbed need to know about my precious PAST, my son is dead! And everyone else I love is hurting right now.”
I can’t cry hard enough…
Several feet away, John suddenly faltered in his steps, then crumpled and fell to the ground as if the guilt itself had stuck him down. Landing in a woeful heap on the infield, he began to sob, muttering a phrase he must have said a thousand times since the day Brady died, “It should have been me, it should have been me….”
No, I can’t hard enough
For you to hear me now……
Gabe sat down next to the figure of a man he cared about, and slowly, very cautiously, wrapped him in the special comfort of an angel’s embrace. They stayed there together for a long while, gently rocking, until John fell into a slightly restless slumber. Gabe smiled, knowing this was only the first step, but an important one. And he wondered for a moment…
What would have happened if his charge had made it to the bar.
The entire compliment of the Brady and Horton families filled the Brady
Pub, but not with merriment. This was a somber group, mourning the death
of a small child, something neither family had been faced with in a very
long time. No one knew what to say, it was so unreal to all of them.
There were small pockets of hushed conversation, but mostly an uneasy
silence.
Marlena sat in a booth with Caroline, who was trying to comfort her,
while Belle played quietly with her friend Abigail Deveraux. “I’m so
sorry, Marlena… this is just a…horrible day for all of us. I still
can’t believe that…” That was all the further she could do before
starting to break down. Brady was so sweet and adorable, and she missed
the little cherub already.
“I know, me too. He was just… the most… wonderful… Oh, Caroline,
what are we going to do?”
“I don’t know, Marlena. I’m not sure how I survived it when we thought
Roman was killed. I think I took it one day at a time and somehow I
lived through it. But that was different, he was a grown man and he did
dangerous work, so it wasn’t something I never thought about. But
this…. I can’t imagine having lost a young child. I wish that I
could…offer some words of wisdom that would help you through it.”
” I do too, Caroline. You know I’ve read dozens of books and done
lectures all over the country on grief and loss and I’ve even lost a
baby to SIDS, but somehow none of that helps.”
“Each loss is its own, every life is precious to us in a different way.”
Remembering DJ, she nodded lightly and said, “Yes, of course that’s
true.” There was a lull in the conversation and Marlena let the memories
wash over her. The anguish, the helpless rage she felt, toward God, the
world, and everyone who possessed what she’d had and lost, a healthy
baby to hold in her arms, to love and nurture. Finally, when she knew
she’d had enough of remembering, she sighed and said, “At least I know
that the pain does….soften in time. But John… he doesn’t know that,
and telling him…. won’t help. I know that from experience. He has
to….find out on his own, Caroline, and I’m SO worried about him.”
“He’s still blaming himself for what happened, isn’t he?”
She broke down in tears. “It’s much worse than that, Caroline, he truly
believes that he killed Brady, he thinks that he’s being punished for
not having his priorities straight and this was God’s way of reminding
him. He’s locked into that line of thinking Caroline and I’m… Oh, God,
I’m so afraid…that he..”
“Marlena, are you saying that you think John might……”
It was unimaginable that he would take his own life, after everything
he’d already overcome. But this, this was different from all that other
pain and suffering he’d endured, even Isabella’s death. “Oh, I don’t
know, I don’t know! He doesn’t think I know, but he’s been drinking,
Caroline… more than a little, and it scares me so…”
She heard footsteps and looked up. “I hate to interrupt, Marlena but I
couldn’t help overhearing. Tell me something. Does John still have his
handgun?” asked Abe Carver, also very concerned about his friend.
Hot waves of fear coursed through her body, causing a delay in her
answer, as the camera of her mind presented a picture she never wanted
to see. “Yes, yes he does, Abe… but you don’t think he would….”
“Do you?” he asked, hating to make her confront this issue on such a
horrible day.
“I don’t….know, Abe, I honestly don’t know. I mean… maybe if he was
alone and it was late… or he’d been drinking….”
“Then let’s go over to the Loft and get it out of there. There’s no
sense in tempting fate, Marlena.”
She shook her head, thinking of the scene it might cause between them.
“He’ll be so angry with me.”
“Better angry than injured, or.. dead, Marlena.”
A weary grief filled sigh escaped as she nodded and said, “I suppose
you’re right. Alright, let’s go.”
Caroline and Marlena rose at the same time, embracing before Marlena
rushed off with her husband’s best friend. The Brady matriarch sent up a
silent prayer that the grieving couple would find a way to endure even
the most severe of storms that life could bring into their lives. ‘Dear
God, be with them, let them know they’re loved, and please remind them
that they’ve not been forgotten, and that they’re not ever alone, even
during the darkest times.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ride to the Loft, where John had moved only two days after Brady’s
death, was made in total silence.
It wasn’t until they arrived and the car was parked that Abe finally
said something. “Marlena… I’m so sorry, I wish…”
“I know… we all wish it never happened.”
“Yes, that and I want you to know… Lexie and I, we’re here for you and
John… any time, day or night, when it gets too hard, you call us…
we’ll come over and just listen. Or if you need someone to watch Belle
so you can have some time alone, we’ll come and get her, anything we can
do to help.”
“Thank you, Abe, I appreciate that, very much. But right now… it’s
John I’m most concerned about. I don’t know how to reach him, Abe… I
thought that…oh, I don’t know what I thought, but he’s…. he’s in
trouble.”
“He’s been pulling away from you and Belle. Hasn’t he?”
“Yes, when he needs us the most, he’s so… distant, Abe, so…closed
off.”
“He’s tortured by the guilt. He thinks he doesn’t deserve to be loved.”
Her eyes went open wide, hoping that maybe John had confided in someone
after all. “Abe, has he been talking to you? Does he tell you things? “
Abe sighed and shook his head, recalling a couple of brief
conversations. “Not much.. but it’s written all over his face. He wishes
he was the one who died. And once in awhile, there’s this look in his
eyes, Marlena… this look that says he thinks he should…”
“Kill himself to make up for Brady’s death?”
Reluctant to confirm it so plainly, Abe simply nodded his agreement, and
she burst into a fresh round of tears.
Her friend took her hand and gave it a little squeeze, for encouragement
before they got out of the car. “Well, that’s why we’re here, to keep
him from doing something in the heat of the moment. We’re going to get
his gun and every bit of ammunition we can find and take it out of
there.”
She pulled herself together, “Right, and that should help.”
Marlena didn’t sound like she was convinced of her own statement. “Well,
I don’t think he’ll go so far as to get another gun. Do you?” Abe asked.
“No, no I don’t. Maybe I’m being overly concerned about him. Almost
every parent who loses a child has some form of death wish, myself
included. It’s just that…”
Standing a few feet from the entrance to the building, Abe turned and
said, “Just, what Marlena… what is it about John that’s different? I
want to help and I need to know what’s to be expected, and what’s a
cause for serious concern.”
“Well, virtually every parent who loses a child experiences survivor
guilt, feeling they should have died in the child’s place. It’s counter
to the natural order of things and most bereaved parents struggle with
being alive when their child is gone. But, John seems… completely lost
in the guilt, Abe…. almost…obsessively focused on the idea Brady was
taken from him as a punishment for his sins.”
“What can we do to make him see that it’s not true, that it was just a
horrible accident?”
“I wish I knew, Abe…. but it’s likely to get a whole lot worse before
it gets better.” She took a deep breath, steeling herself for the next
few minutes, as well as the long haul. “All I do know is that we have to
be there for him, no matter how angry he gets, no matter what he says or
does to push us all away, we have to hold onto him and not let go.”
Heaving a heavy sigh, Abe spoke strongly, “Alright, that I can do.”
When they reached the door, they found it open about six inches. Peering
inside before opening it further, Marlena gasped at the sight of the
front room. It was a complete shambles, beer cans scattered throughout
the ruins of what had been a pretty nice place to live at one time.
Lamps had been broken, furniture turned on end, books wiped off their
shelves by raging hands.
“John… are you here?” They hadn’t seen his Jeep in the lot, but that
didn’t mean much. He could have parked it in the alleyway.
There was no answer and they opened the heavy wooden door and entered
the place.
Abe called out, louder this time. “John… are you in here?”
They looked everywhere, including the bathroom and couldn’t find him,
then Marlena remembered something Bo had said once. “Abe, I think I know
where he is.”
Abe knew before she said it and did so for her, “On the roof. Of
course.”
“Let’s go….” she said, racing for the staircase that led up to the
rooftop.
They slowed their pace when they reached the door that exited out onto
the roof itself. It too was slightly ajar, about eight inches. Marlena
peered around it, looking for her husband. She gasped and fell backward
into her companion, who though surprised, managed to catch her.
“Marlena, what is it?” Abe said, helping her to remain standing.
“Abe, he’s sitting on the ledge, looking down at the ground. He’s got a
bottle of something in his hand. I couldn’t tell exactly what it was.”
Sneaking a peek himself, Abe quickly ducked back inside. “Okay, okay…
now try to stay calm. He’s just sitting there right now. He’s not making
any moves toward jumping, so it could be alright.”
“Abe, for all we know, he’s stone drunk. He could fall off
unintentionally. ” She inched her way through the door and onto the roof
itself when she caught a glimpse of silver, the sun glinting off a shiny
surface. One step closer and she could see what it was.
“Oh, my God, Abe.. he has his gun too,” she said through quivering lips.
Abe was nodding, glancing back and forth between his best friend and
that man’s wife.
Sensing that she was on the verge of losing control, Abe gripped her
shoulders tightly. “Marlena… don’t panic on me here. John needs you to
be calm.”
She nodded tightly, swallowed the lump in her throat, and tried to clear
her head of the strongest fear she’d ever known.
“Can you do that for all of us, Marlena.. can you stay calm?”
Taking a deep breath and blinking back tears, she said, “Yes, yes I can
do that, Abe.”
“Good girl… now, let’s talk John down off that ledge.” Again she
nodded but didn’t say much.
She stepped back toward the door they had entered and called out in what
she hoped resembled her normal speaking voice, one not laced with the
absolute terror she actually felt. “John, honey are you up here?”
He startled at the sound, but not like he would have had she been
standing only a few feet away. “Abe’s with me, we were just thinking
about you, and missing you at the Pub. Are you up here, John?”
There was a muffled response, “Yea, I’m here.”
She moved in a step or two closer. “Honey, why don’t you come down from
there?”
“Cause I like it up here, makes me feel closer to Izzy B and our little
boy.”
The despondency in his voice broke her heart. “Oh, John…”
He was shaking his head, crying softly, “Should have been me, Doc… it
should have been me instead of Brady.” He picked up the bottle and took
another swig. Marlena could see now that it was whiskey he was drinking.
“John, please don’t do this.”
“Do what? Ruin your life? I already did that, the day I walked into this
town was the day I started destroying everything and everybody you
loved. I don’t think I could do much more damage.” Before she could do
or say anything else, he picked up the pistol with his dominant hand and
pointed it toward his right temple.
She gasped in horror, squelching as best she could. “Oh, yes, you could,
John. You could leave me here alone to raise Belle. And you could
destroy what’s left of our little family, John, that’s what you could
do.”
His head dropped down, ashamed now at his selfishness. “I’m sorry, Doc.
I’m so sorry.. I don’t deserve you… I know I don’t.”
“Honey, yes you do, you deserve to be loved and cared for, just like all
the rest of us. It wasn’t your fault, John, it was a stupid senseless
accident. Now, please come off of there and hold me, because I’m pretty
scared right now, and I need you by my side.”
His head shook vehemently, but his voice was a wounded whisper, “No, no
I remember. I remember what you said to me that night. Do you?”
She winced for the suffering she’d obviously caused him, “John, we’ve
been over this. I’m so sorry, I was very upset, but I was terribly wrong
to say those things to you.”
Taking a swig of whiskey, he argued with her, “Now come on, Doctor
Evans, why don’t you just admit what everybody else knows? You were
right.” She shook her head no, hating to hear the words she’d spoken out
of fear and anger. Words that had obviously become permanently etched in
his mind.
“You… YOU did this, John! You caused this pain…and this fear! LIVE
WITH IT!!’ That’s what ya said, Doc… and you meant it. I understand
now, because I know that it’s true. I caused the pain, I caused his
death and now I… I have to….” He didn’t say anything else, instead
raising the gun to his temple again with a shaky hand, eliciting another
fearful gasp from Marlena.
“No, John, that’s not the answer, you know it isn’t.”
“You’ll be better off without me, I can see that now.” He sounded so far
away, like he’d already left her to go on to whatever came when life, as
humans know it, was over.
Knowing that eventualy, he had to make an active choice to live, it was
all she could do to constrain her urge to rescue, in order to speak to
him. “No, no that’s not true, John. If you.. pull that trigger, your
pain *might* end, but you’ll be hurting me and you’ll cause Belle more
suffering than a little girl should ever have to face. She’ll have lost
her father and brother in the space of a week’s time. You don’t remember
your growing up years, but you know what it’s like to ache for the
parents you never knew. Think, John… think what it would do to Belle
to lose two of the most important people in her life at the age of
four!”
His hand trembled as his alcohol fogged brain tried to comprehend the
meaning of her speech and make the right decision for all of them.
Wouldn’t they be better off in the long run if he left them? “Oh, God…
Oh, God… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”
Nervous and worried, Abe chimed in, almost immediately realizing the
inefficacy of what he’d said. “John, hey come on buddy. You haven’t
eaten or slept in days, and you’ve had too much to drink. Anybody would
get a little mixed up, so why don’t you come on down off of there and go
inside with us. You can get a shower and then we’ll all get something to
eat.”
“Something to eat! Why does everybody in this whole damn town think that
getting something to eat is going to help! Well, let me set the record
straight. It doesn’t and neither does anything else for that matter.
NOTHING HELPS!”
“Alright then, John… come down from there for Belle’s sake. I know
that you love her and I know that you realize somewhere behind the cloud
of alcohol, and all the guilt and the pain you’re in, that she needs you
to be there for her, to help her through her own guilt.”
“Her guilt? She doesn’t have anything to feel guilty about, Doc.”
“Oh, but she does, John. She pushed Brady and he fell off the climbing
tower. She knows that you’re blaming yourself and she feels terrible
because she believes it was her fault, not yours. It’s tearing her
apart, John.”
“No, she… she.. knows it was just an accident.”
They’d come full circle and she knew that this time, her words had hit
the mark. “Yes, yes it was. An awful, horrible accident that took our
little boy and we’re all looking for somewhere to place the blame, even
if it has to be on ourselves. I feel it too, John. I knew that the kids
were upset when they left and I could have spent more time talking to
them that morning, trying to explain why you reacted the way you did.
But I didn’t, because I was in a hurry when I dropped them off.”
Finally, he seemed to hear her. He put the gun down, still holding on,
but no longer pointing it toward his head. “That wasn’t your fault
either, Doc. You couldn’t have known they’d get into an argument. No one
could have.”
“That’s right, no one could have known, and what happened was an
accident.”
John nodded, breathed a worn out sigh and sat there staring down at the
ground below, apparently contemplating all that had been said. He sat
unmoving for what seemed like a long time, but in actuality was only a
minute or so. Finally, when Marlena was aching to rush up and yank him
down, he pushed the gun away from his body and swiveled himself around
in position to hop down off the wall and onto the roof proper.
Slipping in by the man’s side, Abe quickly and quietly removed the gun
and the bottle from the wall. Without saying anything at all, he headed
toward the stairs and down into the Loft apartment to give them a few
moments of privacy he knew they needed.
Marlena wasted no time, grabbing the man she loved by the shoulders and
pulling him down to her, then holding on for dear life. Feeling her
tremble in his arms he offered an apology, “I’m sorry that I scared
you.”
“You did, you did scare me, John. I can’t… lose you, don’t you *get*
that?” she said with all the emotional intensity she couldn’t allow
herself to focus on earlier. Tears streamed unfettered down her cheeks
in an unabashed show of emotion.
Gently, he cupped her cheeks with his hands, tenderly wiping her tears
with the pads of his thumbs. “I do now and I’m sorry. I’ve been so
wrapped up in my own pain and guilt… that I couldn’t see past it to
what you and Belle are going through. “I’ll try to…do better.”
Holding him tight, she worked to calm herself down, “John, just stay
with us, that’s all I’m asking is that you stay… and you let
us….love you.”
Grateful tears filled his eyes and he nodded, whispering, “I love you,
Doc…”
“And I love you so… please don’t ever forget that, not for a second,
John Black!”
“I promise.” He held her again, wrapping both arms around her slender
body. Cloaked in silence, they pressed themselves closer together than
ever before, as if the embrace itself could sustain and guide them. And
in truth, the stronghold of love, was the only thing that would see them
through the darkest times.
Exhausted from putting in long hours at work and at home, Marlena sighed
wearily and plopped herself down in a comfy booth at the Brady Pub,
looking forward to eating a decent meal for what had to be the first
time in well over a week. Thinking of how tired she was of eating alone
caused a memory to flash in her mind, a recent conversation with her
little girl.
*****************************************
They were sitting on the couch watching an episode of Touched By An
Angel. It was about a woman whose young son had died, a follow up to the
original one in which he died, telling the story of how the woman coped
with the grief after he was gone. The woman was lying in bed day after
day, isolating herself from those who cared about her. She stopped
writing music or playing it, something that had been her passion and her
profession, and turned to alcohol. When the woman was at her worst,
Belle looked up at her mother and said, āMommy, how come Daddy looks
like that lady does?ā
āWhat do you mean, Belle?ā Marlena asked, hoping she didnāt have to
explain more than their daughter was ready to hear.
āWell, sheās all slumpy and her eyes are sad. Daddy looks slumpy too and
his eyes are sad all the time, cept he doesnāt cry much. If heās so sad
about Brady, howās come he doesnāt cry like us, Momma?ā Her mother
hesitated before responding, so Belle tacked on another query, āAnd
howās come he leaves whenever we talk about the silly things Brady and
me used to do?ā
Marlena scooted herself a bit closer to her little girl, draped her arm
over Belleās shoulders and tried to answer her simple yet infinitely
complicated questions. āWell, honey, itās hard for Daddy to talk about
how he feels, or show it.ā
āWhy, cause he has to be strong, like a Power Ranger?ā
Suppressing a smile at that even as a tear slid from her right eye, she
said, āWell, sort of like that, yes. And when we talk about the silly
things, he probably feels bad that there wonāt be any more silly
thingsā¦for Brady.ā
Belle nodded with understanding and posed one more. āMomma, why donāt
the angels come down to see us and tell us about how God loves us and he
doesnāt want us to be sad and angry all the time like they did for the
lady on that show?ā
She didnāt have an answer for that one, except to say that in real life
it generally did not work that way. She couldnāt begin to explain her
encounter with Gabriel while Brady was on his deathbed. It seemed so
long ago and far away now, and she still wasnāt entirely certain that it
was anything more than a strange dream.
**************************************
The thought ran through her mind again. If there were any angels lurking
about, they sure werenāt helping matters much, because despite some
outward appearances to the contrary, things were worse now than theyād
ever been. And, skilled psychiatrist/family therapist or not, she had no
earthly idea what to do about it.
Absently, she glanced at her watch, and seeing that it read 9:00 pm, she
found herself wondering where her supposed fiancƩ was at the moment.
Unfortunately, she was about to get an answer she wouldn’t like.
Just as she began to relax, a familiar voice rang out,
“Marlena…there’s a call for you.”
Unexpectedly, fear stabbed her in her belly as she stepped closer to the
bar to take the phone from Shawn Brady. “Hello, this is Marlena Evans.”
“Ma’am, I uh… this is Sergeant O’Leary down at the station. It’s about
your husband Ma’am, seems there’s been a.. fight.”
“Oh, no….”
“Yes, he was arrested and he’s down in the holding cell. Ma’am, he’s…”
The man hesitated and she sighed and said the rest of it for him, noting
that it was oddly cleansing, “He’s drunk, it’s okay, you can say it.”
“Yes, Ma’am, I’m sorry…. he is, and he’s in no position to call a
lawyer, so I paged Commander Carver. He said I should let you know and
he wanted me to tell you that he’s on his way to the precinct right now.
The Commander also said for me to tell you not to worry.” A wave of
gratitude washed over her as she realized what a good friend they both
had in Abraham Carver. She made a promise that she’d find a way to thank
him for all that he’d done.
In the mean time she said it to the caller, “Thank you Sergeant, I’ll be
right there.”
Then the gravity of the situation began to sink in. Her worst fears were
becoming a reality; she was losing the man she loved to the pain and the
bottle he’d climbed into in a misguided attempt to avoid facing it. “Oh,
John….”
“Marlena, what is it, what’s wrong?” Caroline asked, concerned about the
worried look on the younger woman’s face as she hung up the telephone.
“It’s John… he’s been arrested.”
The Brady matriarch frowned at that. “For what?”
“I’m not exactly sure, Caroline. A bar fight I’d guess.”
“A bar fight, John? But, why?” The second the words left her mouth, the
answer was obvious. The man she loved like a son was spiraling out of
control, had been for months.
“Caroline, we’ve all been pretending that he was going to be okay, but
this has been coming for a long time. I just didn’t know how to stop
it.”
“I’m so sorry, for all that you’ve had to go through these past few
months. I’ve been concerned about all of you, but I guess I wanted to
believe that you would make it, that John would find a way to begin to
come to terms with what happened.”
“We all hoped for the same thing. Belle and I, we can cry together,
Caroline, we yell and scream and weep whenever we feel the pain building
up.”
“But John can’t do that, can he? He can’t allow himself to…”
“No, he holds it all inside and he tries to be strong for us. I know
he’s hurting all the time, but no matter what I do, he just won’t talk
to me.”
“I thought that after you and Abe found him at the loft, he was better
able to share the grief with you.”
“Oh maybe for a week or two he was a little more open and then he put up
this wall and hid behind it. Not long after that, he started drinking.
At first it was just a few beers here and there at the house. But before
I knew it, he was leaving the house every night after Belle went to
sleep.”
“To go to the bars.”
“Yes…he never said so but I knew that was where he went. He would come
home and collapse in Brady’s bed. One night last week, I woke up because
I heard a noise. I went into the room and he was clutching Brady’s
pillow tight to his chest and crying, sobbing really, and it just broke
my heart, Caroline. The next morning, after Belle went out with Chelsea,
I tried to talk to him about it. He said he didn’t remember, that he was
fine. When I kept at it, he yelled and asked me why wouldn’t I just
leave him alone. Then he stormed out of the house.”
The Brady matriarch hated it when her loved ones were hurting and all
she could do was provide support. She placed her hands atop the younger
womanās as a gesture of comfort and empathy. “Oh, Marlena…I’m so
sorry, it must be so hard not to be able to share the pain with each
other.”
“I don’t know what to do anymore, Caroline… I don’t know how toā¦ reach
him,” Marlena said, her voice cracking, as it seemed her heart had
already done, shattering into a million tiny shards.
The woman who was like a mother to her thought for a moment and then
took a different tack, “Well, what would you do if he were your
patient?”
She didn’t hesitate to answer. “I’d go down to the jail to confront him
with the reality of what he was doing to himself, to the people who
loved him, and to the memory of his child. And then I’d leave him alone
to think about it.”
“Then do that…”
“But it’ll hurt him so….. I’m not his therapist, I’m his wife.”
“But just being his wife… supporting him….it’s not helping right
now.”
Marlena nodded, trying to figure out how she could carry it off. “Oh,
you’re right, I know you’re right, I just don’t know if I have the
strength to do it. He’s devastated Caroline, he’s completely lost in the
pain and guilt. And this…. it’s going to hurt him even more.”
“But, what happens if you don’t do it, Marlena?”
“I’m going to lose him, we’re all going to lose him,” she admitted
sadly, finding it strange to hear herself say it out loud for the first
time. At that she stood up, steeling herself for the difficult and
heartrending task ahead.
The elder woman smiled warmly and squeezed Marlena’s hand. “You’ll find
your strength, dear… it’s in the love you share. Do it for love. Do it
to honor Brady.”
She nodded again and tried to return the smile but couldn’t quite
manage. “Thank you, Caroline, it really helps to hear you talk that way.
Sometimes, I wonder if the love is even there anymore.”
Before the older woman could formulate a reply, her husband stepped
around the bar to give Marlena a firm embrace and some much needed
encouragement. “It is, it’s just… buried right now, underneath all
that pain you’re feeling. If you stop believing in everything else, at
least believe this, John loves you desperately and right now he needs
you to hold on to him. Hold on tight, Marlena.”
Tears came to her eyes as Marlena thought of all they’d been through
before and yet still managed to find a way to stay together. “I will. I
won’t let him go, Shawn, I won’t let go.”
“That’s my girl!” he said, giving her another hug for luck.
When the embrace ended, she turned on a dime and raced for the door.
They’d lost a son, a precious little boy they all loved and they were
all hurting terribly, but she wasn’t going to let what was left of their
family fall apart because of it. She was determined to find a way to
bring her husband back from the brink of total despair, and together
they would find a way to come to terms with Brady’s death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sergeant met her at the outer door to the Commander’s office,
greeting her with a polite smile. “Hello, Doctor Evans. I’m really sorry
about all of this, but there was no way to avoid it. I’m afraid your
husband brought it on himself.”
She let out a sigh and nodded her head. “I know that….now, what can
you tell me?” she asked as he led her down the hallway toward the
elevator that would take them to the lower floors.
“Well, he was down at the Cheatin Heart. Detective Brady was with him
for a little while and seeing that he was agitated, Bo tried to get John
to leave the place before he got drunk, but it didn’t work and Bo
finally gave up and went home. About an hour later, the call came in
that there was a disturbance and that John Black was involved.”
“So, what exactly happened?” she said, afraid to hear the answer.
“Well, it seems he got into an argument over a game of pool with some
guy who was a lot bigger than him. According to the witnesses, your
husband didn’t seem to care if he got his….” The man stopped,
obviously thinking about how to rephrase what he was going to say. “It
didn’t seem to matter to him if he was on the losing end of the fight.
Between the two of them they darn near totaled the place.”
“What are the charges against him?”
“Drunk and disorderly, felonious assault, property damage, assault on a
peace officer, resisting arrest, and that’s just for starters. They’re
still trying to sort it all out.”
All she could offer was a weary sigh as they approached the door that
would take them down toward the holding cells.
What she saw when they arrived made her sick, not just in her stomach,
but also in her heart and soul. John was leaning over the commode
looking like death itself. He was groaning and clutching his belly,
making it obvious that he’d been experiencing the dry heaves, having
already rid his body of the alcohol and whatever scant nutrients he
might have taken in that afternoon and evening. He didn’t even look up
when the main door to the holding area opened.
She cleared her throat and the sound must have registered at that point,
because he turned toward her and then groaned again, his face flushing
with embarrassment and what had to be shame. With a look that sent
shivers down her spine, he spoke to the police officer standing outside
the cell. “Damn it! Why’d you bring her down here? I told you I didn’t
want to see anybody!”
The man opened the door to the jail cell while he answered the question.
“Because from what I hear… this lovely lady is the only one who has a
chance in hell of saving your sorry ass. You’re damn lucky to have her
and I hope to God you learn to appreciate her before it’s too late!”
In deference to the lady in question, he offered up a quick apology.
“Sorry about the language Ma’am.”
She nodded perfunctorily but made no verbal reply.
With that, the officer slammed the metal door shut and left the couple
alone to talk. A thick and heavy silence enveloped them.
Seeing that he wasn’t going to initiate conversation, Marlena made the
overture, “John.. what did you think you were doing?”
.
“Uh, let’s see…. oh, yea, I was getting drunk. That’s what you usually
do in a bar, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I guess it is at that…. so, then… tell me why you were
drinking and why you ended up getting in a fight.”
“You know why.”
“I suppose I do, but I want to hear you say it out loud.”
“Fine,” he said, exasperated at her for making him expend energy he
didn’t have. “I was getting drunk for the same reason I always do,
because of….because of how it makes me feel. Fact is, I like it.”
She shook her head, waiting for him to make eye contact. He didn’t and
she contradicted him, “No, John… that’s not a fact, that’s a lie. It’s
because of the grief…. you get drunk to numb yourself, you do it so
you *won’t* feel, isn’t that how it’s been for months now?”
For a second he thought about denying it, but for reasons he didn’t
fully understand something in him had broken and it didn’t seem to
matter anymore. “Brilliant deduction, Doctor Evans…. I guess I’m not
as strong as you. Poor John Black, he can’t handle the pain.. so he
climbed inside a bottle instead. That *is* what they’re saying, isn’t
it? Well, I’m sorry I can’t just go on as if nothing happened like you
seem to be able to do,” he said in an injured and accusing tone, finally
looking up to meet her gaze.
She was flabbergasted, her mouth agape. “Is that what you think, John?
Is that what you really believe?”
“You went back to work in less than a month… and you spoke at that
pres….that… oh whatever the hell you call it… conference two weeks
after that. What the hell am I supposed to think!”
“How about asking me? How about staying home with me once in awhile? If
you did, you’d see that I cry my eyes out nearly every single night,
you’d hear me sobbing and begging God for answers. Maybe you’d see me
holding Belle while she cries *her* little eyes out because her big
brother went away and won’t come back when she prays with all her might
to God, the God WE taught her to believe in!”
He shook his head sadly, as if ashamed again. “I’m sorry…. I’m
just…”
“What, John… please explain it to me because I don’t understand. I
love you and I need you. Belle needs you too, but you haven’t been there
for us.”
He looked pitiful, his blue eyes nearly swollen shut, his cheeks sunken
in from malnourishment, his lips split and bleeding, quivering now with
emotion. “I don’t know how, Doc… I don’t know… what to do.”
“You have to face it, John… you have to find a way to feel and work
through the pain instead of running from it. If you don’t you’re going
to die, John. You said you wouldn’t kill yourself after Abe and I found
you on the roof at the loft. But I think there’s a part of you that
still wants to die, so you’re doing it slowly, with alcohol.”
“That’s not true, I don’t…I’m not…” he stammered, his cloudy mind
unable to put two thoughts together in a way that made any sense.
“Don’t lie to me, John! And more importantly don’t lie to yourself…
look in the mirror, John….. look and tell me what you see,” she said,
handing him the compact she carried in her purse.
Reluctantly he took it from her and did as she commanded, opening it
slowly. A sorry mournful frown appeared on his battered face, then he
handed it back, but said nothing.
Marlena waited for him to process his thoughts, watching him as he began
to pace back and forth across the cell. Just when she was certain that
he wasn’t going to share what was on his mind, he proved her wrong.
“Alright, I’ll tell you. I see a fool! A fool who believed in a God that
was watching over us. I see a man who’s alive when his little boy is
dead and buried, a man who killed his own son because of his selfish
need to know about his FUCKING past! I see a bastard who deserves to die
for what he’s done. That’s what I see!”
“So, you’re killing yourself…little by little, day by day, you’re
killing yourself.”
He merely shrugged in response.
“What about Belle, John… are you going to ruin her life because of
your obsessive need to be punished? Is that what she deserves, to be
abandoned by her father when she needs him the most? To learn that when
the pain life can bring gets to be too much, you commit slow suicide
rather than face it?”
John shook his head, wanting to argue, wanting to say that she wasn’t
being fair, that it wasn’t like that. But he knew she was right, that’s
exactly what he was doing, and Belle deserved better. So did his wife.
Suddenly, the pain seemed to overwhelm him and he found tears welling up
behind bloodshot eyes, pushing their way out and streaming down his
bruised cheeks.
Every instinct she owned when it came to this man urged her to go to
him, to hold him in her arms and cry with him over their loss, to tell
him they would get through it together, and that one day a long time
from now everything would be alright somehow. She fought back the urge
and said strongly, “I want you to decide, John. Decide once and for all
whether or not you want to be a part of our little family because I
can’t do this anymore. I won’t stand back and watch you die right before
my eyes, or worse, take somebody with you because you get behind the
wheel of a car when you’ve had too much to drink. I’m not willing to
stand by you while you destroy yourself, John. But, if you decide that
you want to be a part of my life and Belle’s and you commit to
counseling to work through the grief and the guilt that drives you to
drink, I’ll be right there by your side while you fight the good fight.”
John had no immediate reply but she knew he was listening and
considering what she’d said. His head was down and she could hear the
way his breath caught in his throat. He was crying but struggling not to
break down completely, something that although it was probably what he
most needed, John didn’t feel like he could allow himself to do.
Especially not in front of her.
Her tone softened and she spoke with tenderness this time, “Let it go,
John… let the dam break…. it’s okay to feel itā¦ you *need* to feel
it, honey, or it’ll never change. It’ll hold this much power over you
for as long as you try to deny it.”
John shook his head and looked up at her, his eyes pleading, his voice
tremulous, “I can’t…. I can’t, Doc. “
“Yes you can, John…. I know you’re afraid that if you let yourself cry
the tears will never stop. But they will… they’re a part of the
healing, John…. crying is a natural release for the pressure that
builds up inside of you. Sweetie, you’ve been blocking it by drinking.
But, I promise… if you let yourself grieve openly and honestly, it
won’t always be this bad. You’ll find a way to survive and even embrace
life again.”
He shook his head again and didn’t say a word, digging the heels of his
hands into his eye sockets as if that gesture alone could contain the
powerful tide of emotion that lay behind them.
She watched as his entire body shook from the battle he was waging for
control. “Don’t fight it, John…. surrender to it. This is the one time
in your life that the only way to win is to let down your guard. Let the
pain have its way with you and gradually, day by day, I promise you,
it’ll get better.”
After agonizingly long seconds had passed, he looked up again, his eyes
bathed in moisture, pleading with her to make it easier in the moment,
to make the pain go away instantly. “But it hurts SO bad, Doc…”
“Oh, honey, I know…. I know it does…I feel it too…. I miss him,
God how I miss him!” she said, weeping heavily for what they’d lost, for
the memories they would never make, for the agony her husband was in,
for Belle and what had been stolen from her, and finally for herself.
“I’ll try, Doc…I don’t know…how, but I’ll try to do what you said.
But what if I mess up and I…. will you still..” His lips quivered and
he stopped talking, unable to put his fears into words. His head went
down again and he suddenly seemed more vulnerable than at any other time
since she’d known him.
“I love you, John… that’s forever.” She held out her arms to him,
sensing in her heart that this was the moment when he most needed her
loving acceptance.
John melted into the embrace, holding on to her like she was his
lifeline. And she was that for him, always had been. She was his
foundation, his fortress, his stronghold. His body trembled from the
tension of holding back the torrent of grief. Marlena said nothing
further but rubbed gentle circles on his back with her right hand and
slowly she felt the tension mount again, to a breaking point. Finally,
he let go and the tears gushed out like floodwaters. Still, she did not
speak, allowing him the freedom to mourn without comment.
After what had to be three quarters of an hour, the waves of emotion
seemed to abate and John wiped the moisture from his face with his
shirtsleeves. As he stood up from where they’d been sitting, she could
tell he was torn between sharing some of his thoughts and shutting back
down. Finally, he almost cracked a smile and said, “I really needed
that, didn’t I?”
She nodded, her own eyes still moist. “Yes, I think you did. How do you
feel?”
“Honestly?” he said, cocking his head slightly, an endearing trace of a
smile on his face.
“Of course, honestly.”
“Whipped… I feel whipped and all I want to do is sleep.” He yawned on
cue and sat down on the cot.
“Sounds like a plan…. so how would it be if you did that at home?”
His baby blues regained a small measure of their sparkle. “How?”
“Oh, well you see, I’m married to a rich man who has lots of friends in
high places.”
“Ah, I forgot.. it always comes down to who you know and the cash in
your hand.”
“Lucky for us… he knows a lot of people in a position to help.”
John actually smiled at that. “So, what are you waiting for,
Doc….Spring me from this juke joint,ā he said, rising to his feet
again, somehow energized.
“Music to my ears, I’ll get right on it.”
“I’ll be right here…waiting.”
She reached out and took his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “And I’ll
be there…. standing by your side, whenever you need me, I’ll be
there.”
Grasping both her hands in his, he spoke firmly with a glimmer of hope
in his words, āNo, Doc, from now on, weāll be there for each other–and
for Belle. I promise.ā
That brought on a fresh mist of tears, tears of relief. In his voice
and in those still bloodshot eyes, she was catching a glimpse of the man
she had fallen in love with so many years before. Though she knew the
sadness would continue to have its way with them, for the first time in
a long time she liked what she was seeing. āYes we will, honey, yes we
will.ā
The man with thick dark hair that was still just a little too long, and penetrating blue eyes sat in his Jeep, staring at the sign in front of him. The Salem Center for Grief and Loss. Funded by the Toscano Foundation, it was part of Isabellaās legacy.
How ironic, he thought. āOh, Izzy B,ā guess you never thought Iād be needing this place. Or did you know somehow that heād be joining you?ā John cast his gaze skyward and spoke out loud, āIzzy, can you hear me? Can you tell me why? Please, canāt somebody tell me why?ā he said, the emotion welling up inside, making him feel like his heart was about to explode. If only it would actually happen and take him out of his misery. But, no, that was selfish thinking and he couldnāt allow himself to indulge in it any more. He had to focus on what he had in the present–Marlena and Belle-being there for them was most important now, and in order to do that, he had to force himself to climb out of his Jeep and walk through the doors to the Center. John took a deep breath and stepped out of his vehicle. āOkay, John… this is it, you got to go in there and spill your guts to a perfect stranger.ā
He entered the building quietly and signed the sheet on the clipboard as the note on the glass window at the front desk indicated he should. John then sat down and buried his head in an old issue of Sports Illustrated. After what seemed an eternity, but was actually five minutes, someone was calling his name. āMr. Black?ā
Looking up, he met the womanās gaze and rose from his seat, suddenly feeling like his entire body was made of lead. āPlease, call me John,ā he said as if by rote. She nodded politely and waited for him to step past. He blew out a long breath and followed the woman through the door she was holding open, suppressing a nearly overwhelming urge to run for the hills.
Once they were past the reception area, she smiled warmly and introduced herself as Sarah Miller, a licensed independent social worker, whatever that meant. Marlena had tried more than a few times to explain the differences between the various professionals involved in the counseling field, but he never had understood it all. LSW, LPC, LPCC, Ph.D. it was all-Greek to him. All he knew was that this woman wasnāt a psychiatrist and therefore, she wasnāt going to be prescribing medication, a fact that brought him much relief. Marlena had suggested an anti-depressant, something she called an SSRI, more Greek as far as he was concerned. The only drug he wanted was alcohol, and hard as it was, heād already sworn off the stuff.
When he was walking into the womanās office, his eyes landed on a poster with a quote, āHealthy grieving is not a matter of forgetting what is lost. Rather, it is process whereby the mourner learns to remember with less pain.ā John felt a jolt of sheer agony and wondered how in the hell he was ever going to keep the vow of sobriety heād made to Marlena just two and a half weeks earlier. Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
He snapped to attention when the young woman spoke to him again. āWell, John… itās nice to finally meet you, Iāve heard so many good things about you from the people who run the Toscano Foundation.ā
Embarrassed, he stammered a bit, āOh, you have, well, uh… thatās nice. Iām glad to meet you too, Sarah. I had no idea how much this place had grown since Isabella first talked about starting it,ā he said, glancing around the office. Hers was one of many from the looks of the long hallway theyād just traversed.
āWell, unfortunately, the need is always there. Iām just glad people are starting to feel more comfortable with the idea and are coming here for support during the roughest of times.ā
āYea.. me too…ā he said, letting his voice trail off. This was going to be awkward at best. She gestured for him to sit down and he hesitated briefly and then somewhat gingerly placed himself in a chair opposite her desk.
āJohn, would you like to tell me a little bit about why youāre here now, to see me? Sensing his hesitance she quickly added, āPlease rest assured that this is completely confidential. Nothing that we discuss will be shared with anyone outside this office other than my clinical supervisor. Thatās Dr. Shapiro, our consulting psychiatrist.ā
āI know… itās just that…ā
She waited for him to complete the thought, realizing that he was still working things out, trying to decide if it was okay for him to open up to someone in a professional capacity. āItās just… uncomfortable. And I never thought Iād see the day when I needed to come to a place like this, especially the one founded by a woman I.. loved.ā
āAnd not only that, but the woman who was the mother of your child that died.ā
Taken aback by her boldness, yet oddly thankful that she had voiced it, he nodded lightly and said, āYea…itās uhā¦itās strange.ā
āAnd painful?ā
āYes, mostly that.ā
āI read about your son in the paper. Iām very sorry for your loss.ā
He said nothing, simply looking down at his well worn cowboy boots, allowing a slight nod to acknowledge the womanās words of condolence.
āWould you like to tell me about him?ā
āNo, not especially,ā he said, more bluntly than heād intended. Secretly, he was hoping sheād be offended and tell him to leave. No such luck. This woman knew better than that. She just let him sit with the silence.
He smiled awkwardly and shifted his weight in the chair. Finally, when he thought he couldnāt stand it any longer, she said something. āYouāre angry, arenāt you? Angry at the whole world.ā
His head snapped up at that, āDamn straight Iām angry. Itās not right, itās just not right that heās gone and Iām still here.ā
āNo, it isnāt. Itās not the way things are supposed to be at all.ā
āNo, he was supposed to be standing over my grave one day.ā
āYes… he was and that hurts very much, doesnāt it?ā
āWhat would *you* know about it!ā he said, his anger suddenly flaring at someone he knew could never understand what it was like, how it felt to be on the receiving end of his kind of suffering. He stood up abruptly and took a step toward the door, daring her to make a mistake so that he could feel justified in leaving.
āWell, first off, Iāve worked with a lot of grieving people over the years and theyāve taught me a lot about what itās like to lose someone who was greatly loved. And second, because I lost a child too, also a son, about four years ago, and I know how bad it hurts, how dark and cold the world can seem when youāre immersed in the pain of mourning.ā
That last part left him speechless. She *did* know. Finally, he felt a faint sense of hope. At least there was someone he could talk to, someone who wouldnāt offer him tired old clichĆ©s and platitudes meant to cheer him up or shut him down. No longer would he have to suffer through conversations with the ultra spiritual who would try to convince him that Bradyās little soul had completed its journey, or that God in his infinite wisdom had decided to pluck his son off the planet in order to add to his celestial soccer team.
Much calmer, John softened and apologized as he took his seat, āIām sorry. I had no right to make assumptions.ā
Broadcasting acceptance, she said, āThatās alright. I think I know why you said that. You feel like nobody understands, donāt you?ā
He nodded again and let out a sigh that embodied emotions only a grieving parent can know. āYea… they just donāt get it. Even my closest friends, they say the… dumbest things sometimes.ā
āOh, I sure remember that part of it… I hated it when people would come up to me with that… look on their faces…ā
She hesitated and he smiled. āOh, yea I know exactly what youāre talking about.. itās pity and sorrow and guilt for being glad itās not them–itās all mixed into one and then they say something stupid like, āBe glad you still have Belle, and time will heal, it was meant to be, John, or, at least he didnāt sufferā¦ā Itās all such… bullshit!ā he finished, the anger flaring again.
Sarah nodded her head knowingly and tried to help him understand how it was for the people on the other end. āYes, it is, John.. But try to remember that they donāt understand because they canāt. They really canāt, but theyāre trying to help you because they do care.ā
āThey just canāt know, can they? Because they havenāt been there. ā
āNo…ā
āAnd the worst part of it is… even if they did, thereās really nothing they can say or do thatās going to help. Because the only thing that would make it better for me is to have him back.ā
With sadness for his pain she spoke the plain truth, āAnd thatās the one thing nobody can do for you, John.ā
āAnd that sucks!ā he said, not bothering to hold back his frustration.
The young woman nodded and leaned forward, her blue eyes filled with empathy and compassion for his suffering. āYes it does, it really does suck, John. I wonāt argue. And Iāll tell you that I felt exactly the same way when it happened to me. I was angry at the whole world and at the same time I wanted to be dead, it hurt so badly. I would have these moments when I thought about what would happen if I turned the wheel just a little bit when I was driving, or if I stepped into the path of an oncoming truck while I was out walking.ā
John was incredulous and he didnāt hesitate to let it show in his response. He stared into her face looking for some trace of untruth. āYou did… you being a counselor and everything, you really felt like that?ā
Her face bore an expression that was somewhere between a smile and frown as she nodded and said, āYes, I did, John… being a social worker didnāt help me deal with the pain. At least not in any way that mattered. Sure, I knew that I wasnāt going crazy, but I was in a very dark place for a very long time. And the one thing I want to give you right now is hope for a better day, because I didnāt stay there, John. I came back from that cold, dark, and lonely place. I came back and Iām glad I did, because there are still people who love me, people who need me. For whatever reason, Iām still here and I have a life to live, work to do.ā
āAnd so do I. Is that what youāre trying to tell me here?ā he said, not sure whether to feel anger or the beginnings of hope.
āYes you do. The question is… are you ready to start facing the pain and working through it, or are you going to keep trying to run from it by drinking?ā
He winced and sunk a little deeper into the oversized chair. āOh, so you know about that?ā
āYes I do… your wife called me yesterday to give me a few details she thought you might leave out. Is that a problem?ā
John wanted to be angry with her, but he couldnāt because her only motivation was love and concern for him. āNo, but just for the record, I would have told you eventually.ā
āI know. I just thought it would be good if we didnāt waste any time. Please know that I wonāt be sharing any information with her without your written permission, but she may call me from time to time to share her concerns. I told her that was alright with me, but if it bothers you, Iāll tell her not to.ā
āNo, itās okay… sheās the one whoās…ā He wasnāt sure how to describe the situation, so he stopped in mid-sentence.
āIs she pushing you, John?ā
āYea.. I mean… no,ā He stopped and forced out a breath. Smiling awkwardly he finally settled on a short sentence of explanation, āSheās.. trying to help.ā
āBut….ā
āBut, sometimes….yea…she pushes. She wants me to… Oh, I donāt know. I guess sheās just scared.ā
āScared of what, John?ā
āScared of losing me.ā There heād said it and it surprised him to hear it out loud. He felt suddenly vulnerable in way he never had before and looked away to hide his quivering lips.
āDoes she have good reason to be scared?ā Sarah asked him, leaning forward and watching him closely.
He shrugged and then said nothing. Sarah waited for him to explain further. After a long minute or so, he nodded and said, āYea, I guess she does.ā
The young womanās eyes narrowed and suddenly it felt as if she could see right through him. āJohn, have you been having thoughts of harming yourself?ā
He stood up immediately, feeling almost as if he were stripped bare by her question alone. āNo! No… why would you ask me that?ā he asked staring at the woman, realizing even as the words came out of his mouth that he sounded defensive. Defensive because she had hit the nail on the head.
In contrast to his agitation, Sarah was calm, her manner belying genuine concern. āBecause you just told me that your wife is afraid of losing you and you admitted that she has reason to be worried. Can you explain that to me, John?ā
Another weary sigh escaped his mouth as he tried to sort out his thoughts and feelings. This woman had a way of asking all the wrong questions. āNo, Johnā¦ lucky for you, sheās asking all the right questions,ā he said to himself. āOkay, I.. Well, onceā¦ well, actually it was the day of the funeral service. Anyway, she found me on the roof at the Loft. Thatās this place where I used to live with Isabella and Brady when he was first born. I was sitting on the ledge and I was…drunk.ā
āWere you thinking about jumping off the roof, John?ā
āWell, no, not really. I mean, I guess the thought crossed my mind a couple of times. But I didnāt do it. Besides, that was three months ago.ā
āAnd what about since then, have you had any more of those kind of thoughts?ā
āA couple of times, yea… mostly when Iāve been…drinking.ā
āHow often do you drink to get drunk, John. Say, in a weekās time?ā she asked pointedly.
This woman was serious and she knew her stuff. āI donāt know.. twice, maybe three times.ā
āAnd how many times have you thought about dying?ā
Embarrassed, he smiled awkwardly and told her the truth. What did he have to lose? āUh.. pretty much every time, I guess. But, I never did anything about it. Doesnāt that mean something?ā he asked, looking to her for answers he didnāt seem to have for himself. Funny, he had left out the part about the bar fights and the DUI and the drunk and disorderly charges.
āYes it does, John… it means youāre torn. Thereās a part of you thatās hurting so badly you want to die in order to make the pain stop. And thereās another part of you that wants to live, but you just donāt know how to do that when the pain of losing your son is so overwhelming. You drink so you donāt have to feel that pain all the time.ā
āYep, you got it, Doc… I mean… Sarah,ā he corrected, his face flushing with embarrassment. She was a lot like Marlena as a therapist and that was comforting. She smiled warmly before getting serious again.
āTell me something, John. Does it work for you? Does the alcohol really make the pain go away?ā
His head dropped and he held it between his hands as the emotions began to swell again. How did she know… how in the hell could she know so much about what he was thinking, what he was feeling? The pain overwhelmed him and he felt the hot sting of tears welling up behind his tired eyes. Finally, he found the strength to glance up at her for a moment. āNo…it doesnāt. God Dammit, it doesnāt make the pain go away. NOTHING DOES!ā
John started to tremble with the power of the emotion and then rocked slightly as he repeated one word, saying softly, āNothing does…..nothingā¦.nothing.ā
Sarah sat with him for a long while, uttering soft words of encouragement for him to let the pain have its way with him, telling him to allow the tears come as long as they would. She wanted him to experience the full intensity of the grief and realize that eventually, the tears would abate and he would find that there was less tension in his body. She wanted him to feel a sense of relief for having let it all go. If John could learn to do that, on his own and in the presence of certain trusted others, then he would be on the road to healing.
Ten minutes later, the session was over. John used a couple of tissues to blow his nose and dry his eyes, his gaze averted.
āJohn, thereās nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Your pain is very real and itās normal, Donāt let anyone tell you that you shouldnāt feel what you do about your sonās death. Itās very intense and it will be for quite awhile, thatās as it should be. This is a tremendous loss for you and our society doesnāt do such a good job of portraying it accurately. It takes a long time, John…but it wonāt always be this bad. I promise you that much.ā
āNow, youāre starting to sound like Marlena,ā he said with a smile that didnāt quite reach his dim blue eyes.
āGreat minds….ā
āYea, something like that. All kidding aside, thank you Sarah…you helped.ā
āSo then, did you want to make another appointment to see me?ā
āYes, I do… I have to… for my familyās sake. And for mine.ā
āGood, just set it up with the secretary on your way out. Iād like to see you every two weeks if that works for you.ā
āSure, that would be fine. Thanks again, it helps knowing youāve been there.ā
āGood, Iām glad… Iāll see you in a couple of weeks, but you can call me sooner if you feel the need.ā
āYou can count on it. ā
After he left, Sarah reached inside her drawer and pulled out the small gold edged frame that held a picture of her little boy. āWell, Jimmy…. you did it again kiddo, you touched another life today. Thank you for helping me to reach out to other people, I couldnāt do it without you, pal,ā she said as a lone tear sneaked its way out of her right eye. She wiped it away with the back of her hand and instead of putting the picture back in the drawer this time, she placed it on top of her desk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was one of those days when she couldnāt concentrate. Marlena knew that her husband had his first session at the Center and, sitting at her desk trying to do paperwork, it was all she could do to resist the urge to call and find out if he had shown up. When it was well past the appointed hour, she finally received a phone call.
āHey, Doc…ā
Her heart felt a whole lot lighter at the sound of his voice, āJohn, oh honey I was just thinking about you.ā
āSo, did you call and check up on me or did you trust me?ā he said with just the slightest trace of an edge to his tone.
āI trusted you, but Iāll admit that I thought about it. So, how was it?ā
āIt was okay.ā
āAre you going back?ā
āYea… every two weeks she said.ā
āThat sounds good. Do you want to tell me about it?ā
āShe lost a child too.ā
āShe did?ā
āYep, four years ago she said. That makes a difference. Sheās the first person Iāve talked to besides you who gets it, Doc… she understands.ā
āIām glad… maybe I should come too. Would that be alright?ā
āI guess so, sure… ā
āYou donāt sound sure.ā
āWell, itās just thatā¦ itās different than I thought it would be and Iā¦well, I..ā
āItās for youā¦ sheās there to listen just to you and you kind of liked it. Didnāt you?ā
He let out an embarrassed sigh and agreed with her assessment. āYeaā¦ go figure.ā
āI understand completely, really I do and Iām glad for you, John. I think Iāve wanted this for you for a long time, even beforeā¦Bradyās death. I think youāve needed to have a safe place to talk to someone who isnāt emotionally involved in your life.ā
āYeaā¦ and yetā¦ she knows what Iām going through right now because sheās been through it too.ā
āMaybe Iāll set up a separate session for myself if thatās alright with you.ā
āYea, of course and thenā¦ I donāt know.. maybe later we can go together sometime, after I have a chance to make sense of some things for myself. Is that okay, Doc?ā
āOh, honeyā¦ of course it is.. Donāt you know how much I love you? How much I need you, how much Iāve missed you these past months?ā
Suddenly, he felt like he was suffocating. āIām trying, Docā¦ Iām trying toā¦care the way I should about all thatā¦itās just soā¦hard to see any kind of aā¦future when myā¦little boy isā¦gone.ā
Damn. She somehow managed to hurt him when she was trying to make him feel good again. āOh, Johnā¦honey, Iām so sorryā¦ I didnāt mean toā¦pressure you.ā
Wiping his eyes and sniffling a bit, he tried to downplay it. āItās okay, Docā¦ Iām alright. Listen uhā¦Iām hitting some traffic here and I better goā¦ Iāll see you at home later.ā
āNo, John.. donātā¦go.ā It was too late; heād shut off the phone already. There was something in his voice that scared her. She did the only thing she could do, lift him up in prayer. āDear Lord, pleaseā¦ be with him right now, help him fight the temptation to go into a bar and try to drink the pain away.ā
At that exact second, he was close to passing the exit that led to his favorite āhole in the wallā bar, a place none of his respectable Salemite friends frequented, so he never had to worry about running into anybody who would try to make him stop. Without thinking, he hit the brakes a little, swerved slightly, and made the exit in the nick of time. In less than five minutes he was putting the Jeep into park and ready to step in the bar he hadnāt seen in almost three weeks now.
āHey, if it isnāt our old pal Johnny Black!ā
He looked up to see a couple of cronies coming down the sidewalk toward him. āYea, what you doing here? I heard your woman was putting you on the path to the straight and narrow, and you werenāt allowed down here no more!ā
āWhat are you guys talking about, I can go wherever I wantā¦whenever I want!ā he said rather forcefully, somehow feeling the need to impress them.
āNow thatās the spirit! So what do you say we go have us a drink!ā
āOr two or threeā¦.ā Said a third guy, trying to encourage them all to tie one on.
It wasnāt until he was sitting at the bar with a shot glass and a full pint of beer in front of him that he actually thought about what he was about to do. That small inner voice spoke to him about it, āSo, youāre just going to blow it? Youāre going to throw almost three weeks of hard work away because of something your wife said to you in love?ā Despite what the voice was saying to him, he picked up the shot glass, staring at it as if glancing into a mirror hoping to catch a glimpse of his withered soul. But, the fluid was dark and he couldnāt see anything of value staring back at him.
Still not convinced, he lifted the cold glass of beer and placed it against the heated surface of his forehead, thinking for a moment about how good it would feel to let that amber liquid slide down his throat. How it would soon begin to numb his senses and soothe his aching heart, even if it was only for a little while.
āJohnā¦ donāt do it, please donāt believe the lie.ā There was a hand on his shoulder and the voice that uttered those words sounded almost desperate to stop him and that touched his wounded heart. He turned slightly and looked up into a familiar face, that of one Billie Reed, a woman who had surely ābeen thereā when it came to drugs and alcohol. If she was talking about the lie, she knew from where she spoke.
āBillieā¦what are you doing here?ā
āI donāt know why, but I justā¦ had this feeling that I needed to come here tonight. Now I know what it was about, Johnā¦ pleaseā¦donāt let this happen.ā
āOh, please. Stop being so dramatic, Billie, itās just a drink.ā
āOr twoā¦ or twelve,ā she said with a tone that made her point, as she plunked herself down on the barstool next to him. It could easily be all that once it started and he knew it.
āAlright, alrightā¦ so make your point already,ā he said, realizing that he was opening himself to the possibility that he would heed her advice.
āOkay. Hereās my point, John. Go home,ā she said, pointing toward the door. āGo home to the woman and little girl who love you more than you even know and certainly more than you deserve right now. Go home, John Blackā¦ be with your family! Let them help to heal your woundsā¦ because sure as hell, we both know the alcohol wonāt do it.ā
Whoād a thunk it? The voice of reason coming from Billie Reed. He stared her right in the face, nodded his head and said only two words, āThank you.ā And then he stood up, slapped down a twenty dollar bill and turned away from the bar, leaving the establishment without so much as a backward glance. It was over now. He would not be coming back.
Billie smiled and did the same, lifting up a silent prayer as she stepped out into the early evening sunshine. āThank you Lord, for answering Marlenaās prayers and guiding me here tonight, and please God, be with John, Marlena and Belle as they try to make their way through these dark times.ā
Marlena was worried out of her mind and thought about calling Abe for help when her cell phone finally rang again.āDoc, itās meā¦Iām sorry.ā
āSorry for what, John?ā
āFor hanging up on youā¦for reacting the way I did. It wasā¦wrong.ā
āItās okayā¦ā She waited for a long time, not wanting to say anything to upset him again. Finally, she asked him the question they both knew was coming. āSo, what did you do, John, where did you go ?ā
Deciding honesty was best, he said, āI uhā¦ I went to a bar, Doc.ā
āOh, Johnā¦ā she said, clearly disappointed, thinking heād slipped up.
āI didnāt drink. But I wanted toā¦ you donāt know how bad I wanted toā¦.and I started to, Doc.ā
āSo, what stopped you?ā
āBillie Reed,ā he said, chuckling slightly, still thinking how strange it was.
āBillie, why, what was she doing there?ā
āShe said she was compelled to go there, that she was needed somehow. When she saw me, she knew it was me she was there to help.ā
āWhat did she say to you, John?ā Marlena asked, wondering how on earth Billie Reed could have uttered the words that no one else in his life had been able to find to this point.
āShe told me to go home to you and Belle, that I wouldnāt find what I needed in a bottle.ā
āAndā¦ā
āAnd, Iām on my way home right now. Where are you?ā
āWalking out the front entrance of the hospital toward my car.ā
āDo you have time, Docā¦ to talk to meā¦at home, I mean?ā he asked her, his voice sounding so hesitant it made her heart ache.
How could it be that he didnāt understand how much she loved him, how much she had wanted and needed to do just that? She sighed with relief and a host of other emotions. āJohn, Iāll always have time to talk to you, even if I have to re-schedule some patients. Iāll always be there for youā¦always. Donāt you know that?ā
He wanted to explain, to make her understand how messed up heād been, how screwed up his thinking was, but he couldnāt do that now. Not on the telephone. āYea, I guess I doā¦thanks, Marlenaā¦ Iāll uh, Iāll see you at the penthouse, then?ā
āIām looking forward to it, Johnā¦ oh, and by the way, Belleās going to be at Shawn and Carolineās tonight, so weāll have the place all to ourselves,ā she said in anticipation.
āOh, well Iā¦ thatās good, I guess,ā he said, his tone giving away his disappointment.
Trying not to sound hurt, she asked a question, āAre you alright, John?ā
āWell Iā¦ Iāve missed her too, and I was thinking about how nice it would feel to hold my baby girl in my arms, thatās all.ā
āI can call them and change the plansā¦ thatās no problem, John.ā
āOh, well I donāt want to upset her if sheās looking forward to it or if.. they are,ā he said, thinking that it had to be pretty hard on grandparents too.
He was sounding like he was a stranger rather than a parent and that wasnāt a good sign. āJohn, honey, youāre her father, you can decide.ā
Suddenly, he had that feeling of suffocating again. It was too much and he had to get off the phone. āI know, itās just thatā¦ oh, never mind, Doc.. Iāll see you soon.ā
Rather than push him to make a choice, she decided she should handle it. It sounded as though he really needed to talk and it might be best if Belle wasnāt home. āOkay, Johnā¦Iāll meet you there. I love you.ā
āLove you too, Doc,ā he said, almost in a whisper.
John arrived at the penthouse before Marlena and he waited patiently in the Jeep, watching for her car.
When the white BMW pulled into a spot next to him, he climbed out of his SUV and waited for her. āHi honey,ā she said cheerfully, her face bearing a warm smile as she stepped out of her vehicle to greet him.
āHey, Docā¦ā he said, looking down at his feet instead of meeting her gaze.
āJohn, you didnāt have to wait down here for me. Itās your house too.ā
He nodded and tried to smile at her in return, but there was a part of him that felt like he didnāt belong, that it wasnāt really his home because he hadnāt been taking part in the daily activities of the family that lived there for quite some time.
āWell, anyway, Iām glad youāre hereā¦ letās go on up together.ā She reached her hand out to him and he glanced down at it, contemplating whether he deserved the tender acceptance she was offering.
āOkay,ā he said, finally opting to take her hand. John let out a quiet sigh of comfort as he did so, realizing in that instant how much heād missed even the simplest gestures of love and affection they had all done without because he was so lost in his grief. āWe have a lot to talk about, Marlena.. I have so much to sayā¦ so much toā¦make up for,ā he added, muttering softly.
āItās okayā¦ā she said, squeezing his hand a little tighter. They rode the elevator in silence and he let her take the lead in moving toward the door of their penthouse condominium.
After she had used her key and turned off the alarm, he stood there just inside the door as if his feet were frozen in place, immobile, uncertain of his place in this home. It seemed an eternity since heād been happy here with Marlena and his two children. One child was gone now, an empty chair at their table, and they had to learn to be a family of three. Sometimes it seemed an impossible task, an unbearable transition to make.
āHoney, please come inā¦ sit down and Iāll make us some coffee. Would you like that?ā she asked, worried that he might suddenly run out on her.
From the far away look on his face, Marlena wondered if he were lost in some memory, everything measured in the before and after of Bradyās death. He gave a delayed response, but at least she knew heād heard her ask the question. āCoffee, sure, thatād be nice.ā
He walked slowly across the carpeted floor to the couch and sat down, his eyes slowly scanning the living room and landing on a picture of his young son. His heart skipped a beat. The photo was on the credenza only a step or two away and John stood up to take it in his hands, running his fingers around the edges of the wooden frame as he sighed wearily. His mind took him back to the day that picture had been taken, during a family outing at the park. He remembered it clearly and knew he always would, for the gleeful laughter of a small boy was truly something special. āOh, Brady boyā¦what are we gonna do?ā he said. āWhat are we all gonna do without you, Slugger?ā
His head turned at the sound of Marlenaās cheerful voice calling out, āCoffeeās ready.ā
Without another word, he joined her in fixing himself a cupātwo sugars, one cream. āItās very good, Doc, youāve learned how to use a coffee maker, I see.ā
āA matter of necessity,ā she said, smiling on the old joke.
It felt strange and pleasant at the same time, to be here with her in the quiet of early evening. āSo, how was your day?ā he asked, if only to make conversation.
She smiled. āIt was good, saw a few patients, worked on some notes and dictation, nothing exciting.ā
āThatās good. Iām glad you have your work, Marlena. It helps to keep you focused, doesnāt it?ā he asked, broadcasting some sense of envy.
āYes, it does, and you have yours too, Johnā¦ if you want to be there.ā
Shaking his head, he said, āNah.. my heartās not really in it anymore, Docā¦besides, the place runs just fine without me around.ā
āJohn, your heartās not in anything anymore. But thatās a choice youāve made.ā She wanted to slap herself as soon as the words escaped her mouth. It sounded harsh and indicting and it was exactly the wrong thing to say. But sheād been hurt too.
Without comment, he put his cup down and stood up as if to go, taking a few steps toward the door. She rose quickly to her feet and crossed the distance between them, grasping his arm from behind. āJohn, wait, Iām sorryā¦ I donāt know where that came fromā¦please, stay with me.ā
āI know where it came from, Marlena,ā he said, searching her eyes. āYou say you understand, but you donāt. Your grief is different than mine. He wasnāt your son.ā
She shook her head and argued. āJohn, thatās not fair, I loved him as my own.ā
He nodded and went with that. āYeaā¦as your own, meaning.. itād be different if it was Belle.ā
She shook her head and spoke firmly, āI canāt compareā¦ No, I wonāt compare, Johnā¦ honey, if we do thisā¦ weāll be headed down a path to destruction. Is that what you want, to destroy our relationship?ā
āNo, noā¦I donāt. I wantā¦ohā¦ā He stopped and closed his eyes, his head down, struggling as hard to contain his emotions as to find the right words. āI want what I canāt have, Marlenaā¦ and I donāt know how to live with that,ā he finally said, as tears filled his eyes against his will.
Marlena realized that this was the time to reach out to him, to give him support and whatever reassurance and hope she was able to muster. Placing her arms around him, she rested her head on his shoulder. They stood there in silence for a minute or so before she spoke to the man she loved, her voice crackling with sadness, āIām so sorry we lost himā¦ and I did love him, John very, very much. But youāre right, it isā¦different somehow, for me. I canātā¦ apologize for that. The bond was slightly different and therefore so is the grief, but John, that doesnāt have to ruin our love, or our future together with Belle, does it?ā
He had to let that one settle for awhile, so he went out on the terrace for a couple of minutes. She sat down on the sofa and waited patiently for him to make sense of his thoughts and emotions. When he came back inside, he looked at her and said, āIām sorry, this isnāt going at all the way I planned it. Marlenaā¦ itās not you, itās me. Losing Bradyā¦ itās just so damn intense and itās got me soā¦ messed up insideā¦I canāt think straight and I donāt know what Iām saying half the time. But, I do love youā¦and Belle, and I donāt want to lose you. The truth is though, Iām not sure I know what to do to hold on to you right now.ā
She stood in front of him and took his hands in hers, peering into slightly hidden eyes. āWell then, how about it if we hold on to each other until we can figure it out?ā
He nodded, a grateful smile slowly making its way across the rugged features of his weathered face. āI like the sound of that.ā
ā I love you, John Black.ā
His right hand moved to caress her face. āAnd I love you, Marlena Evans.ā A thought struck him mid-sentence and he blurted out the substance of it. āMarlenaā¦ do youā¦ I mean, when this isā¦.oh, will youā¦ā Again, he stopped talking and let out a sigh, while striving for the right way to say what was on his mind. āDamnā¦ā he said, turning away slightly, frustrated at being unable to complete his query.
She guessed as much and asked him a direct question designed to help him out. āAre you trying to ask me if I still want to marry you?ā
Embarrassed, he nodded and proffered a quiet, āYeaā¦thatās what I wasā¦trying to say.ā
āJohn, honeyā¦my feelings for you havenāt changed. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. ā
He let out a tremendous sigh of relief and joy all mixed together. āOh, Doc.. I wasā¦well, I thought that maybeā¦ since Iā¦ā
āI love you, I love you, I LOVE you,ā she said with increasing intensity just before she kissed him with the same intensity. āDoes that answer your question?ā
When the kiss ended, he was grinning. āYes, actually, it does. Thank you, Marlena. And now, I guess itās time we had a serious talk about whatās been happening these past few months. About myā¦problem.ā He sat back down on the couch and gestured for her to join him there.
āJohn, it hasnāt all beenā¦ā
He put a hand up to cut her off. āDoc, itās okay, you were right about everything. Every word you said to me was true. I know that Iāve been hiding, running from the pain by drinking. I get that nowā¦and Iām trying to quit, but itās not going to be easy.ā
She nodded, communicating with her expression that she knew there was more he needed to say.
āWithout the alcoholā¦the pain of losing Bradyā¦itās getting worse, Docā¦a lot worse and I donāt know ifā¦ā
She reached out to take both of his hands again. āHoney, listen to meā¦ you can do thisā¦ I know you can, and I will be there, every step of the way, Iāll be right there by your side.ā
John nodded in response and paused before responding. āAlright then, I need your honest opinion about something, Docā¦ as a psychiatrist. Do you think I should be on an anti-depressant?ā
There wasnāt a momentās hesitation in her reply. āYes, I think you should.ā
āWhy?ā
āBecause youāve delayed your grief reaction to some extent and as youāve already noticed, itās going to get worse for quite some time without the numbness provided by the alcohol. Many people experience at least a moderate level of depression when they quit drinking. When you add grief over losing a child to the equation, itās to be expected that yours would tend to be severe.ā
His face fell. āWell, I askedā¦didnāt I?ā
āYes, you didā¦John, you donāt want to take one, do you?ā
John shook his head. āNope, not reallyā¦ā
āWhy? Whatās so terrible about it?ā
With a shrug of his shoulders, he said, āI donāt knowā¦I guess itās just the idea of it.ā
āHow is it any different than the drinking?ā
He almost smiled at her. āToucheā¦.it isnātā¦ it makes more sense, I know that. Would you be disappointed if I decide not to?ā
āNo, itās a personal choice, Johnā¦ but I think it might help you stop the drinking and take the edge off the worst of the feelings of depression the grief brings.ā
āAlright, Docā¦Iāll think about it and Iāll ask the counselor at our next session. They have a supervising psychiatrist who could prescribe one.ā
āThat sounds good, Johnā¦ discuss it with her and then see how you feel.ā
āI love you, Marlenaā¦and Iām sorry. Iām sorry I havenāt beenā¦.the man you deserve, or the father Belle deserves.ā
āJohn, donāt beat yourself up over this. It wonāt help.ā
His lips quivered a bit and his voice wavered as he shared something he hadnāt said to anyone, āI know, I justā¦feel bad about this. I really messed up, Docā¦ I thought I wasā¦.stronger than that,ā he said, putting his head down., somehow ashamed of his weakness.
āHoney, please donāt be so hard on yourself. Youāve been hurting terriblyā¦ lots of people struggle with grief, and losing a child is as bad as it gets, John.ā
āI know, but you were hurting too and youā¦needed me. I wasnāt there for you.ā
āJohn, listen to meā¦ I have forgiven you. Now, you need to forgive yourself and continue to get the help you need to cope with the pain. Okay?ā she said, leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek.
He let out a long sigh of relief and gratitude and said, āOkayā¦ thank you, Marlenaā¦for notā¦giving up on me.ā
āThat is never going to happen, John Black. Our love is forever.ā
John was beaming, a wondrous sight to Marlenaās sore eyes. āYea, foreverā¦ā he repeated softly. āOur love is forever.ā He leaned back against the arm of the couch and gently wrapped his arms around the love of his life. She sighed and snuggled back against his chest.
They held each other for a long while after that, and time seemed to become unimportant as they gradually drifted off to sleep, wrapped in the warmth and comfort of each otherās arms.
They walked into the pub holding hands and smiling and Caroline Brady simply couldnāt believe her eyes. She blinked and shook her head twice before looking again. When she opened her eyes, John and Marlena were standing a few feet away, still holding hands. It was a terrific sight to see, one she hadnāt expected by any stretch of the imagination.
Ā Ā
āGood morning, Caroline…ā Marlena said pleasantly, enjoying the look of surprise on the older womanās face.
Ā Ā
āWell, good morningā¦ Marlena, John, itāsā¦itās so good to see you both. How are you?ā
Ā Ā
Marlena decided to let her companion answer the question and he winced in anticipation, somehow thinking he was going to be condemned for his behavior of late. āWeāre good, Momā¦ weāre uhā¦going to try to make another go of itā¦ what do you think?ā John asked, suddenly feeling uncertain.
Ā Ā
Her entire face brightened up, as she moved to embrace him. āWhat do I think? I think itās terrific? Iām so happy for you.ā
Ā Ā
He accepted the hug, but exited quickly, feeling awkward at best. His speech was halting, thick with embarrassment, āI uh, I want you to knowā¦ Iām sorry for the way Iāve beenā¦.acting, lately. Iāve been a littleā¦messed up and Iāveā¦been drinking too much and I might have said some things thatā¦ā
Ā Ā
Caroline Brady was one of the most loving and forgiving people in the world and she showed her true colors for those she loved most. Reaching out to take her unofficially adoptive sonās hands, she spoke gently, āJohn, dearā¦youāve experienced the worst pain that anyone can face in this life in losing little Bradyā¦ and your father and Iā¦we would never hold anything you said during that time against you. We love you dearly, and we knew in our hearts that you and Marlena would find a way to get through it.ā
Ā Ā
He nodded and told her what he was doing to make that happen. āI donāt know if Marlena said anything to you, but I uhā¦ I started going to counselingā¦ and Iā¦ Iāve been completely sober for three weeks now.ā
Ā Ā
It brought tears to the Brady matriarchās eyes to hear that he was finally getting the right kind of help. āOh, Johnā¦ I know that must be soā¦ hard for you, but Iām so proud of you.ā
Ā Ā
Shawn Brady, who had come up behind his wife just a moment before, joined in, saying, āYes, we both are sonā¦ weāre very proud of you. It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit when he needs help.ā
Ā Ā
John nodded. āI guess I do need help to deal with Bradyās death. Itās not the same as when I lost Isabella. Itās so much moreā¦ I donāt knowā¦ intense somehow.ā
Ā Ā
Marlena offered her insights, āJohn, as hard as that wasā¦ you had some time to prepare for her death. Bradyās came so suddenly, itās still such a shock and itās hard for all of us to believe that heās really gone.ā
Ā Ā
āBut he isā¦heās gone forever. I have toā¦ face that. And I have to learn toā¦ live with the pain,ā John said, his voice cracking. He dropped his head to hide the tears that sprang to his eyes without warning.
Ā Ā
Shawn approached him carefully and placed an arm around the younger manās slumped shoulders. āIām so sorry, Johnā¦ I wish there was something I could do to ease your suffering. But Iām here for you, son, you come over here to talk or call any time, day or night and your mother and I, weāll listen.ā
Ā Ā
John nodded but couldnāt say anything for the lump in his throat. After he had time to compose himself, he finally looked up at them and said, āThat means a lot to me, Popā¦ thank you, both of you.ā
Ā Ā
āAlright thenā¦ whoās ready for some breakfast?ā Caroline said, eager to change the tone of their conversation for fear that John might run out on them as he had done so many times before. āThe kids are up and watching that show called George Shrinksā¦I think it isā¦ I meanā¦ Belle is,ā she quickly corrected, wincing for the pain her mistake might cause.
Ā Ā
Deciding not to comment on her former mother-in-lawās slip of the tongue, Marlena spoke cheerfully, āWonderful, letās surprise her, John.ā
Ā Ā
Unfortunately, that was all it took to send the man she loved to a far off place in his mind, to a place where it was āthe kidsā plural. Back to the land of before, when they were a happy family, the four of them. āDoc, I uhā¦ I need to get some airā¦ā he said as he turned to go. He was out the door of the pub before any of the others could recover enough to try and stop him.
Ā Ā
Caroline felt awful. āOh, Marlenaā¦ Iām so sorry about that.ā
Ā Ā
Shaking her head, Marlena negated the need for an apology, āDonāt beā¦ we all do it. Itās part of the grieving processā¦ bumping up against our new reality, the world where Brady doesnāt exist anymore. Oh, listen to meā¦ I make it all sound so dry and clinical, donāt I?ā she said, turning to look toward the door.
Ā Ā
āA little, yesā¦ but after all, it is what you do, Marlena,ā Caroline Brady said to help her makes sense of it.
Ā Ā
āYes, thatās true, but this is myā¦ stepson weāre talking about, and the man that I love is hurting so muchā¦ and I donāt really know how to help him.ā
Ā Ā
Placing a comforting hand on the younger womanās shoulder from behind, Caroline tried to encourage her, āMarlena, dear, youāre doing all that you canā¦ you convinced him to get help and youāre loving him and supporting him through it all.ā
Ā Ā
āI suppose youāre right, but sometimes Iām afraid it wonāt be enough.ā
Ā Ā
āHe said himself that heās in counseling and heās working on the drinking, right? So, heās through the worst of it now, isnāt he?ā
Marlena shook her head sadly and turned around toward the Bradyās. āNo, itās going to get worse for a while because he no longer has the alcohol to dull the pain. Itās hitting him full force right now and Iām scared, Caroline, Iām really scared for him.ā
Ā Ā
āGo to him, Marlenaā¦ heās probably out on the pier. Weāll get Belle dressed for the day and then maybe you can take her on some sort of an outing.ā
Ā Ā
āCaroline, thatās a wonderful idea. Iāll go talk to John and weāll come back and have breakfast together, as a family.ā
Ā Ā
Shawn piped up and said, āIāve got the griddle hot and ready for pancakes and the batter is already made.ā
Ā Ā
āOh Shawnā¦Caroline, have I told you lately, how amazing the two of you are?ā
Ā Ā
Caroline took the younger woman by the hand for a moment and said tenderly, āWe love you, Marlenaā¦ all of you. We miss Brady tooā¦ and weāre here for you, John and Belle, in whatever way you need us to be.ā
Ā Ā
She nodded her thanks as she pulled away and said, āI better go after Johnā¦ weāll be back soon.ā
Ā Ā
Arm in arm, the older couple smiled warmly, āWell be waiting for you.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā
Ā Ā
John was sitting on the edge of the pier, his legs dangling over the water, peering down into the murky depths of the Salem River. Marlena walked up behind him, making enough noise to alert but not startle him.
Ā Ā
āHey handsomeā¦. There are some pancakes on the griddle at the Pub that have your name on them,ā she said.
Ā Ā
He let out a battle weary sigh and looked up into a set of worried hazel eyes, āIām sorry, Docā¦ I thought I was starting to get a handle on this thing.ā
Ā Ā
āItās alright, John, you have nothing to be sorry about.ā
Ā Ā
āI have to stop running, isnāt that what youāve been trying so hard to tell me?ā
Ā Ā
āOkay, yesā¦ youāre right, John. So, what do you say, we go back to the pub and have some breakfast with our sweet little angel girl and her grandparents?ā
Ā Ā
Grabbing hold of a post to help him reach a standing position, he said, āYea, that sounds really good, Docā¦ Iāve been neglecting her too, is she doing okay?ā
Ā Ā
āSheās doing as well as can be expected for a four and a half year old who lost her brother. But, she misses you terribly, Johnā¦ and sometimes she wonders what she did to make you want to stay away.ā
Ā Ā
He shook his head and apologized yet again for his failings, āOh, Marlenaā¦ oh, manā¦ Iāve really screwed things up, havenāt I? And I put so much on youā¦ damn, Iām sorry.ā
Ā Ā
āJohn, itās alrightā¦I told you, youāre forgiven. Now, stop beating yourself over the head and just make the changes you need to make. Honey, Belle loves you and sheāll accept your explanation if you tell her what youāve been going through in terms she can understand.ā
Ā Ā
āOkay, will do, Docā¦ but for right now, letās go have some breakfast like you said. And then, I want to spend the day with my girls.ā
Ā Ā
That brought a wide smile to Marlenaās face. āOh, John, that would mean the world to Belleā¦ā
Ā Ā
āAnd to you, Marlena, what would it mean to you?ā
Ā Ā
She sidled up close to him and stared right into his hesitant blue eyes. āDonāt you know by now, John Black? I want to spend every day of my life with you, my love.ā
Ā Ā
He touched on the nose with his right forefinger. āYouā¦ Dr. Evans are one incredible lady. I donāt know what I ever did to deserve to have you in my life, but I thank God that you are.ā
Ā Ā
āAnd I thank God for you too.ā
Ā Ā
He lightly brushed her cheeks with the knuckles of his right hand. āI wonāt let you and Belle down again, Docā¦ I swear itā¦ā
Ā Ā
āI know you wonāt, John.ā She leaned in to kiss him, placing her slender hands on his rugged cheeks and gazing into his eyes before capturing his mouth. It was long and slow and deep. Marlena took it as sign that they were finally finding their way back to each other.
Ā Ā
When it ended, they were both mesmerized and dreaming of what might happen later on that day, after the sun went down. āI love you, Doc,ā John said passionately.
Ā Ā
āAnd I love you soā¦oh, I love youā¦ā she said as tears came to her eyes.
Ā Ā
John wrapped his arms around her briefly, and then they walked back to the pub, with elbows entwined.
Ā Ā Ā Ā
Ā Ā
The minute they stepped back inside the Brady Pub, they heard a squeal of utter delight. āDADDY!ā and then their little cherub came running to leap into her fatherās waiting arms. āOh, Daddy, I missed you so much!ā
Ā Ā
āOh, Belle, babyā¦ Iāve missed you tooā¦ very much, but I promise, from now onā¦ you wonāt have to miss me anymore.ā
Ā Ā
Her eyes lit up. āYou mean youāre going to stay with us every night?ā
Ā Ā
āYes, Belle, I amā¦ and Iām really sorry if I worried you.ā
Ā Ā
āI was real worried about you and so was Mamaā¦. She cried a lot of nights for you, Daddy and for Brady tooā¦ Sheās been so sad. Is that why you stayed away, Daddyā¦ cause youāre sad too?ā
Ā Ā
Looking first at Marlena, and then realizing that he needed to answer all of his daughterās questions honestly, he told her the truth. āYea, princessā¦. Iāve been really sad tooā¦.and I did some things, like drinking too much alcohol, that made me forget how much you both needed me. I havenāt been fair to you and your Mom, but as of right now, thatās going to change. Weāre going to spend a lot more time together, and do some fun things so we wonāt be sad all the time. And when weāre sad, we can be sad together, so it wonāt feel quite as lonely.ā
Ā Ā
āYea, we can hug each other and eat ice cream, and thatāll make us feel better, right Mommy?ā
Ā Ā
Marlena nodded, reminded again of how very lucky she was to have such a sweet angel to love. āRight, sweety girlā¦ā
Ā Ā
āSo, how about we eat some of Grandpa Shawnās famous pancakes and then go to the zoo?ā John said.
Ā Ā
āOh, boyā¦ Daddy, thatās the best idea youāve had in years!ā Belle said excitedly.
Ā Ā
āOh it is, huhā¦ Years?ā he said with a slight chuckle, shooting a questioning glance at Marlena.
Ā Ā
āYep,ā Belle answered, turning on her heels and making a beeline to her favorite booth.
Ā Ā
āMust have been a line from a Disney movie or something,ā Marlena offered with a slight shrug of her shoulders.
Ā Ā
They were in the middle of their meal when Marlena glanced at her man and smiled warmly, thinking that this was it, the moment sheād been waiting for. Feeling her gaze upon him, he looked up from his plate and smiled too. It brought tears to his eyes to see the strength and depth of her love in those glistening hazel orbs. And though a part of him still believed it was undeserved, he noted that her forgiveness of his sins was there as well.
Ā Ā
She reached over to take his left hand in hers, right there in the pub, with Shawn and Caroline and their precious little girl watching and said, āJohn Black, I love you, now and forever, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, just like this, doing the simple things and loving each other through it all. So, will please do me the honor of marrying me, again?ā
Ā Ā
John was struck speechless and at first he merely shook his head as the tears started to leak out around the edges of his startled blue eyes. Finally, he opened his mouth and the words tumbled out, āI donāt know what to say, Docā¦ Iā¦ I donātā¦deserve thisā¦ and I donāt know if I canā¦be what..ā
Ā Ā
She hated what the grief had done to this man she loved and she realized she had to get back to basics. Cutting him off, she asked āJohnā¦.do you love me?ā
Ā Ā
There was no hesitation, no uncertainty. āYou know that I doā¦always.ā
Ā Ā
āDo you want to be with me, to spend your life with me and our daughter?ā
Ā Ā
āYes, of course I do, but, Marlena thereās still so muchā¦ā
Ā Ā
She put a fingertip over his lips to hush him. āJohn, I am asking you to trust in me and in yourself, and to have faith in our love. Now, John Black, love of my life, will you please marry me?ā she said, holding her engagement ring out in front of her.
Ā Ā
With tears of joy making light streaks on his weathered cheeks, John nodded and took the ring from her, and then began to place it back upon her finger where they both knew it belonged all along. His voice wavered and lips quivered as he spoke, but his words were sure, āYes, Marlena Evansā¦ I will marry you. I love you so much and I thank you for notā¦ giving up on meā¦ or our love. Even when I wasā¦.so far goneā¦ lost in thatā¦bottle, and I thought that my life was.. over.. you never let meā¦go. Oh, Doc, I just love you so much, and I promise.. I wonāt let you down again. Iām going to be there for you and Belle, from this moment on. Through all the pain and sorrow and joy wherever we can find it, Iām going to be there.ā
Ā Ā
The crowd around them erupted in applause and a chorus of āOohs and Ahhsā surrounded them as they leaned to kiss each other.
Ā Ā
Shawn and Caroline were weeping too and holding each other close, having prayed for this moment for so long. Caroline looked up toward the sky and offered a silent prayer of thanksgiving. āOh, dear Lord, thank you so very much for your steadfast love and your healing presence in our lives, a presence that remains even when we donāt recognize or acknowledge it. Thank you for bringing John and Marlena back together again, and please guide them Lord in their journey toward further healing from the horrible tragedy of their sonās death.ā
Ā Ā
She was ready to stop when her husband squeezed her hand and said, āAmen to that Caroline,ā as if he somehow knew the very words that she had been praying on behalf of the couple they loved as though the two were their own children.
Ā Ā
Belle said it best. āYeah! Now weāre going to be a real family, just like Brady always wanted. I bet thatāll make him real happy, even if he is in heaven.ā
Ā Ā
Marlena agreed with her, āYes, we are Belle, sweetheart, and I bet youāre right about that. Brady will be happy to know that weāre all going to stay together and love each other forever.
Ā Ā
āYea, forever!ā Isabella cried out gleefully.
Ā Ā
John whispered the word, āForeverā¦ā thinking of his little Slugger Manā¦ and he spoke to his boy inside his mind, āYou watch over us, wonāt you, Bradyā¦ and help me to keep from getting lost inside myself when Iām really missing you. Help me remember to laugh once in awhile and think about the good times we all shared together. Can you do that for me?ā
Ā Ā
He could have sworn he heard the sweet voice of his little boy, answering him, āYea, Dadā¦ of course I willā¦ I donāt want you to be sad all the time, Iām doing just fine. My first mommaās with me and I can see forever from here. Make a happy family with Mommy Marlena and Belle, and then one dayā¦ I promiseā¦ weāll all be together again.ā
Ā Ā
Marlena looked over at the man she loved and started to worry again. He had that faraway look in his eyes again, the one that told her he was lost in rumination. āHoney, are you alright?ā
Ā Ā
Wiping a stray tear, John said, āYea, Iām fine, Docā¦ I was justā¦ having a conversation with my little Slugger Man. He wants us to be happy and he said heās with Isabella and heās doing fine. And he uhā¦ he wants us to know that weāll all be together one day.ā
Ā Ā
Reaching over to run her hand up and down his upper arm, she said, āOh, Johnā¦ I know how much you miss himā¦we all do, honey, but weāre going to make it through thisā¦together.ā
Ā Ā
āYea, we areā¦ I finally believe that now, Marlena, because of you.ā He squeezed her hand and then turned to focus on his little girl, āSo, Belle baby, are you ready to go see the Rhinos and the Hippos and the Zebras?ā
Ā Ā
āYeaā¦ I was born ready, Daddy!ā
Ā Ā
John chuckled and then looked at the others, āWhereās she getting this stuff?ā
Ā Ā
Everyone at the table shrugged their shoulders and shook their heads, and then John caught a glimpse of Bo trying to sneak his way past their table without being seen. āHey, little brother, do you happen to know something about all of this?ā
Ā Ā
āWho me?ā Bo said, doing his level best to look innocent of any mischief.
Ā Ā
Narrowing his eyes, John said, āYea, you, Boā¦ what gives?ā
Ā Ā
Opting for honesty, Bo shrugged and said, āSo, itās a couple of lines from some old movies. I thought it wasā¦ cute, you know?ā
Ā Ā
āYea, real cuteā¦ Iāll have to share a few with Shawn Dā¦ I can think of some real doozies myself.ā
Ā Ā
Bo put up his hands as if to say, shoot meā¦āAlrightā¦ alright, Iām sorryā¦ it wonāt happen again.ā
Ā Ā
āHey, hereās lookinā at you, kid!ā Belle said, giving the thumps up sign and winking up at her uncle Bo, who burst out laughing in spite of Johnās threats of reprisal
Ā Ā
They all shared a good laugh over that one, including little Belle. Although it was a simple, ordinary, every day moment, hearing John and Marlena giggle with their little girl, Caroline Brady thought it was one of the most joyful sounds sheād ever heard. More importantly, she knew that it was another sign of healing and she silently thanked her Lord once again.
Page 18 of 18
Sitting on an old wooden bench, watching Marlena with Belle, John smiled, momentarily enjoying the fact that at least he was with the two most important women in his life. Theyād spent several hours together, enjoying each otherās company, observing animals in their natural habitat, as close as the Salem Zoo could get to creating it, anyway.
Ā Ā
There was some comfort in being with them for moments of pleasure and in not being alone with his pain, but his heart still ached for the boy who should be with them now. Just as he tried to refocus his thoughts on his wife and daughter and began to stand up to join them again, his eyes landed on a small boy who looked so much like his son it was unreal. John felt his breath leave him and the pain hit him like a runaway freight train, slamming him backward. āOh, Bradyā¦ Iām missing you buddy. Oh, it hurts so bad, little Slugger Man. You should be here with us todayā¦and every day.ā
Ā Ā
Inexplicably experiencing a sharp pain in her chest, but sensing it was not her pain she was feeling, Marlena turned around and saw that Johnās head was bowed and his face was etched in silent agony. āOh, John,ā she whispered. Since Belle was occupied with a family they knew well, Marlena crossed the short distance to the bench and put a hand on his slumped shoulder. āHoney, are you alright?ā
Ā Ā
He nodded but said nothing. Instead of trying to make him share what he was going through, she sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. When he leaned into the embrace, she heard his breath catch in his throat before he whispered in her ear, āI miss him, Docā¦ I miss him so muchā¦.I justā¦.donāt know if I canā¦.do this.ā
Ā Ā
āHoney, yes you canā¦. Because youāre not alone anymore. Weāre going to get through it together, you and me and our little girl. ā
Ā Ā
A slight trickle of moisture slipped out the corner of his right eye and streamed down his sad face, even as a trace of a grateful smile appeared on his lips. She reached over to wipe his tears away when a tiny hand beat her to it.
Ā Ā
āItās okay, Daddy, I know youāre sad about Bradyā¦. I am tooā¦.. but itās like Momma said, weāre going to be together now and when youāre sad, weāll be sad with you, me and Momma. And sometimesā¦. weāll be happy together tooālike today!ā
Ā Ā
That made him feel something he couldnāt describe and he wept openly at the tenderness and insight she was showing. āI love you Belle baby,ā John said, reaching out to hold her. He then cupped her face in his large hands and spoke softly with a hint of desperation, āNo matter what happens, promise me you wonāt you ever forget how much Daddy loves you.ā
Ā Ā
The little girl nodded innocently and gave her Daddy a kiss and a hug. āI promise.ā
Ā Ā
Maybe she was imagining it, but there was something in his tone and there was a distance in his moist blue eyes that terrified Marlena. āBelle sweetheart, can you go over there and look at the penguins for just a minute and then weāll all go get some ice cream.ā
Ā Ā
Belleās face lit up. āOh boyā¦ ice cream!ā she exclaimed as she scampered off to do as her mother requested.
Ā Ā
John wasnāt looking at her, which led Marlena to believe she was right to be worried about what he was thinking, and that scared her all the way to her soul. āJohnā¦. honey, talk to me.ā
Ā Ā
āWhat do you want me to say, Doc?ā
Ā Ā
āI want you to assure me that Iām coming to the wrong conclusion here.ā
Ā Ā
āAnd what would that be, Marlena?ā he said, sounding defensive.
Ā Ā
āJohnā¦ what you said to Belle just now.ā
Ā Ā
āTelling her I love herā¦ whatās wrong with that?ā
Ā Ā
āJohnā¦ it was the way you said itā¦ talking about not forgetting itā¦ John, if youāre here to show her she wonāt have any reason to forget it. So, tell meā¦what was that about?ā He wasnāt meeting her gaze and she tried to tip his chin up so that she could see his eyes, but he moved away from her slightly.
Ā Ā
He shrugged and tried to dismiss her concern, saying, āNothing, Docā¦ nothing at all. Now letās go get that ice cream you promised Belle,ā he said, abruptly standing up.
Ā Ā
She stood in front of him to thwart his progress. āJohnā¦ Iām serious. What are you thinking?ā
āI said itās nothingā¦ now come onā¦ā He brushed past her, stepping closer to his daughter.
Ā Ā
Talking just loud enough for him to hear her, Marlena issued a threat, āJohnā¦ if it comes down to itā¦.Iāll have you hospitalized.ā She winced the moment the words came out of her mouth because she saw him bristle and knew it was a mistake.
Ā Ā
āDammit, Docā¦ get off my back!ā He said it a little too loud and turned heads, including that of his young daughter. He dropped his head in shame and whispered his apology, āIām sorry but this isnātā¦working. I gotta get out of here, Marlenaā¦. I thought I could do it, but I canāt. I canāt.. be what you want, what youā¦.need. Iām so sorryā¦.ā
Ā Ā
Before she could even formulate a reply, he turned away from her and rushed off. Finally, all she could come up with was a weak protest. āNo, Johnā¦ donāt go, pleaseā¦.donāt go,ā she called after him as tears rushed to fill her eyes.
Ā Ā
He didnāt stop, couldnāt stop. The pain drove him away–always away from the people who wanted to help him deal what was happening. Every time he looked at his daughter, he thought of his son, which led to the memories and thoughts about what they were all missing since the little boyās death. And that hurt like hell.
Ā Ā
Not knowing what else to do, Marlena sat back down and cried. Belle heard a much too familiar sound and instantly came to provide her special brand of emotional support. āDonāt cry, Mommaā¦.Daddyās just feeling sad about Brady; heāll come back later, I know he will.ā
Ā Ā
She melted into the love and held her daughter close to her chest. āOh, Belle babyā¦ I donāt know what I would ever do without youā¦ I love you so much, sweety and so does your daddy.ā
The blond cherub nodded her little head. āI know he does, Mommyā¦ I just wish he couldā¦stay with us when heās sad instead of going away,ā she said, sounding wise beyond her years.
Ā Ā
āI do too, honeyā¦. I guess what we have to do isā¦ find a way to love him through itā¦. and trust that heāll come back to us when heās ready, like you said.ā
Ā Ā
Belle let out a very heavy sigh for a tiny girl and then said another very grown up thing, āBut it sure is hard sometimes.ā
Ā Ā
āYes, it is, Belleā¦.ā
Ā Ā
āMommy, do you think Daddy forgets that we miss Brady too?ā
Ā Ā
Hugging her daughter even tighter, stroking her golden hair, Marlena let out a bone weary sigh before answering. āNo, honeyā¦ Daddy hasnāt forgotten that at all. In fact, he still feels responsible for the pain weāre in, and no matter how hard I try to make him understand that it wasnāt anybodyās fault, deep inside he still blames himself for Bradyās death.ā
Ā Ā
āWell, deep inside, I know itās not his fault!ā Belle said convincingly. āIt was a accident, wasnāt it?ā
Ā Ā
Holding her daughter snugly in her arms again, Marlena agreed, āYes, sweety girl, youāre right, it was an accident.ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
Ā Ā
John found himself racing for the Zoo entrance, planning to call a cab, when he realized that he still had the car keys in the right pocket of his shorts. āDammitā¦ what the hell am I going to do now?ā He couldnāt go back, not now, not after heād so royally ruined the pleasant family outing he had tried very hard to carry out. He decided that the only thing to do was to go out to the Jeep and leave the keys inside it, setting them inside what would have been an ashtray in hopes that Marlena would look there.
Ā Ā
As it turned out, by the time he arrived at the vehicle, Marlena was standing there leaning against it, obviously waiting for him. āHi, John,ā she said with a forced smile.
Ā Ā
John attempted to read her, seeing a mix of emotions flit across her face. There was concern, frustration, and a hint of satisfaction at having beaten him to their vehicle, thereby cutting off his escape route.
Ā Ā
He said nothing about all that. āWhat are you doing here and howād you get here so fast?ā
Ā Ā
āI left Belle at the animal hospital with the chief veterinarian who happens to be a friend of mine. And then one of the zoo staff brought me here in a cart. I told them it was an emergency–that my husband was in trouble.ā
Ā Ā
āSo, you lied?ā
Ā Ā
āNoā¦ā
Ā Ā
āIām not your husbandā¦and Iām not in…trouble, exactly,ā he said, glancing away guiltily.
Ā Ā
āClose enough, Johnā¦ you accepted a proposal of marriage this morning. Suppose you tell me where things stand now.ā
Ā Ā
He shook his head and couldnāt quite look her in the eye. āDonāt Docā¦ā
Ā Ā
āDonāt what, Johnā¦.. donāt love youā¦ donāt worry about you, donāt care if youāre going toā¦.give up on life? Make up your mind. Is that what you want from me, Johnā¦ for me to stop caring about you? Will that make it easier for you to kill yourself?ā
Ā Ā
Embarrassed, he glanced around nervously as he sharply said her name, āMarlena!ā
Ā Ā
āIām sorry, Johnā¦ Iām sorryā¦.but thatās the truth isnāt it? Youāre thinking about it again, arenāt you?ā
Ā Ā
He still couldnāt meet her scrutinizing gaze and merely shook his head to answer her question.
Ā Ā
She grabbed him by the arm, āThen what is it? What are you thinking? Talk to me, Johnā¦. I thought you said you werenāt going to shut me out anymore.ā
Ā Ā
Again he shook his head and whispered a doubtful reply, āI donāt knowā¦ā
Ā Ā
Blowing out a frustrated breath, she said, āSo, here we are again, what are you going to do, John?ā
Ā Ā
āGive you the keys to the Jeep,ā he replied flatly, as he handed them over.
Ā Ā
āWhere are you going?ā
Ā Ā
āI donāt know that either!ā he yelled, starting to walk away from her.
Ā Ā
āJohn, you canāt run from thisā¦ havenāt you figured that out yet?ā
Ā Ā
He kept right on going. āDamn you, John Blackā¦ damn you! If you leave us again, it could be considered abandonment and Iām going to file for full custody of Belle.ā She winced even more but she knew she had to challenge him at the most basic level.
Ā Ā
He spun around, closed the distance between them, and got in her face. āNo wayā¦.no, you wouldnātā¦do that! Youā¦.couldnāt.ā
Ā Ā
āLike hell I wouldnāt, John! You canāt keep doing this to usā¦.either you are in our lives or youāre not. Itās too hard on Belleā¦and sheās suffered enough. I wonāt you let you hurt her anymore!ā
Ā Ā
In some ways he looked like he was about to break, to crumple and fall inside himself. He stood there with his tongue between his teeth, as if ready to say something but at the same time, just holding it there to contain the flood of emotion that wanted to gush out. In others, he was angry, defiant, itching to call her bluff. It broke her heart to see him in such pain, but she had to reach him. āIām serious, Johnā¦. I know youāre still hurting, we all are, but you have to chooseā¦ā
Ā Ā
āChoose what, Doc!ā
Ā Ā
āChoose between living in the past, immersed in your suffering over what youāve lost and moving forward with hope, hope for a new future with Belle and me.ā
Ā Ā
āAnd what if I canāt?ā he challenged.
Ā Ā
āLike Iāve said beforeā¦ if you canāt youāll be alone with your painā¦.is that what you want, John, to be all alone with that terrible gnawing heartache, carrying it around inside of you for the rest of your life? Well, is it!ā
Ā Ā
The silence seemed to last forever and it was all she could manage to wait for him to reply. āNoā¦ no, I.. you know I donāt.ā
Ā Ā
āThen you have to do something about it.ā
Ā Ā
āI amā¦ I quit drinking and Iām going to counseling,ā he said, knowing that he was making excuses. āIsnāt that enough for you?ā He knew even as he spoke that there was more to it than that.
Ā Ā
āYes, yes you haveā¦ and thatās a very good first stepā¦. But, honey thereās more.ā
Ā Ā
He let out a soul weary sigh. āI knowā¦ I have toā¦.let him go, donāt I? I have to find a way to let him go.ā
Ā Ā
She nodded as tears filled her eyes. āYes.ā She hated seeing the man she loved in such utter agony as he was since the death of his young son. It wasnāt fair; it was cruel, but there was no changing it. āIām sorry, honeyā¦ Iām so very sorry, but yesā¦.you do.ā
Ā Ā
āI donāt know how to do that, Docā¦. I donāt know if I can.ā
Ā Ā
āYou canā¦.and you willā¦ā
Ā Ā
āHowā¦. Tell me how, Marlenaā¦ ā
Ā Ā
āWell, honeyā¦. the first thing you have to do is stop fighting it so hard. Be still in your grief instead trying to run from it.ā
Ā Ā
The look of unadulterated anguish on his face and the sound he made brought an aching sensation to her heart and tears to her eyes. And then he tried to talk and could hardly put two words together. āIā¦..Doc, oh Godā¦. It hurts so much! I know I should beā¦stronger but this painā¦itās not like anything Iāve ever felt before. I wish it was physicalā¦ I could take thatā¦ but thisā¦.itās soā¦deepā¦ itās in my soul, Doc!ā he cried. āItās in my soul.ā
Ā Ā
āI knowā¦ā She took him in her arms and cried for him, cried with him, for the loss of the adorable little boy she loved as if he were her own. āOh, honeyā¦Iām so sorry. It hurts me tooā¦ and I miss him terriblyā¦ but baby, we have to be there for Belle. Itās not fair for her to miss out on life because her brother died.ā
Ā Ā
After a long while, he pulled away from her and swiped at his face, his voice quavering as he tried to face the truth with her. āOh, I knowā¦ I know it isnāt, but Iām not sure I can…give her what she needs, Marlenaā¦ I want to enjoy being with herā¦ with youā¦ but sometimes, it just hits me so hard and I feel like Iāmā¦going to explode with grief. Teach me, Docā¦canāt you teach me how to handle that?ā
Ā Ā
āOh, Johnā¦. Iāll try honeyā¦. Iāll try. But you have to promise meā¦ you wonāt go back to drinking and you wonāt bolt from us every time you feel the pain coming on. You have to stay and work it through or youāre going to be miserable for a very long time.ā
Ā Ā
āAlright, but Iām warning youā¦. There are going to be times when youā¦.ā
Ā Ā
āI love you, John Blackā¦.and Iām not going anywhere. Weāre going to get through this, but we have to do it together, itās the only way. You do understand that, donāt you?ā she asked with tender compassion.
Ā Ā
Feeling suddenly spent, all he could offer was a tearful nod of his head as he reached out to take her in his arms again. They walked in silence for a few moments, leaning on each other as they headed back toward the zoo entrance.
Ā Ā
It was John who finally broke that silence with a suggestion. āOkay, soā¦ letās go find Belle and get her that ice cream we promised her awhile back.ā
Ā Ā
Marlena smiled and responded through grateful tears. āYes, my loveā¦. letās do that.ā
Ā Ā
A few minutes later, John stopped their progress and Marlena felt a jolt of fear in her belly. āHoneyā¦ are you alright?ā
Ā Ā
āYea, I uhā¦ I just wanted to sayā¦.thank you, Marlena.ā
Ā Ā
āFor what?ā
Ā Ā
āFor notā¦ throwing in the towel on meā¦ I know Iāve been damn near impossible to deal with these past few months and Iā¦ā His voice crackled with emotion and he stopped short.
Ā Ā
She reached out to touch his face, gazing deeply into his moist blue eyes, āHoney, Iāll say it as many times as you need to hear it to believe that itās true. I love you. I love you with every part of my heart and soul, and I want to make a life with you and our beautiful little girl. All you have to do is reach out and embrace that love.ā
Ā Ā
āI doā¦ oh, I do believe itā¦. Itās still so incredible to me that you can love me like that after everything Iāve done, and Iām so grateful. I just pray Iām worthy of your faith in me. Iām going to try to be, Docā¦ I swear Iām going to put everything I have into making it work for us. Iām going to call the grief therapist and ask to see her every week instead of twice a month.ā
Ā Ā
She nodded and smiled at him. āThatās a good idea, honeyā¦.thatās a really good idea.ā
Ā Ā
āI love you, Docā¦ and I donāt want to lose you.ā
Ā Ā
āJohnā¦ the only way youāre going to lose me is if you run away from me. Otherwise, Iāll be here for you, in whatever way you need me to be.ā
Ā Ā
He nodded and held her a little closer as they worked their way back to the Zooās Veterinary Medicine offices. It brought a genuine sense of joy to his heart when he saw his little girl rushing toward him, crying out, āDaddyā¦. Oh, Daddyā¦ I knew youād come back! I knew you wouldnāt leave us!ā
Ā Ā
When she got to where the couple was standing, she leaped into her fatherās arms while looking at her mother, āSee, Mommyā¦ I told you he would come back. Daddy loves us bothā¦. Donāt you Daddy?ā
Ā Ā
John nodded and kissed he on the cheek. āOh, Belle babyā¦ Daddy loves you more than I can sayā¦.ā His voice crackled with the power of emotion as he showed them that love, feeling his heart opening up to it again in a way he hadnāt since Bradyās untimely death, āI love you both SO muchā¦ and Iā¦.need you. I need you more than ever before. And I promise, Belleā¦. Iām never going away again. Iām never going to leave you.ā
Ā Ā
Marlena wept at the sight and joined in the embrace, feeling more hope for their future than she had in months. āWeāre a familyā¦. Weāre a family again, Belle, and weāll always be together.ā
Ā Ā
Her man looked at her with adoring eyes and repeated what he thought was the most important word, āAlways.ā
The Jarlena Journal 