Chapter 1 – Part One
Never before had Marlena been so scarred in her life. All these emotions came rushing back to her. On some level she knew that she shouldn’t be afraid of John Black, but she was. Alex kept on telling her that John was her husband. She knew that she was a psychiatrist and from what people had told her in the hospital, she was a damn good one. Was it irrational to fear that which she did not know? As hard as she tried, she could not push down the intense feeling she always seemed to feel when she heard his voice.
“Marlena” Alex said as he placed his hands on her shoulders, “Are you remembering something?” He asked as gently started to work her shoulders with his fingers.
“Uh, no.” Marlena stammered as she pulled away from his grasp,
“What is it? I can tell that something is bothering you. Remember, I’m the one that you can trust. You can tell me anything.”
“It’s really nothing.” Marlena said quietly as she looked down. “I’m just very tired. I think I’ll lay down for a while.” She said as she got up from her chair and headed toward the stairs.
As soon as she entered the guest room, she quickly locked the door and took her cell phone out of the front pocket of her suitcase.
“What am I doing?”, she asked herself out loud as she looked for the card that John Black had given her with his contact information the day he left to return to Salem. She had an irrational need to hear his voice and she didn’t know why. She had told Dr. North that she had no desire to see her husband but knew deep down that it was not exactly true. She was afraid. Afraid to be near him. Afraid of the way her stomach felt when he looked at her with longing. How could someone she didn’t know make her feel this way? She looked everywhere but could not find the card. She flipped open the cell phone and decided to see who was in her address book?
Kate Brady. Nope, she did not feel good vibes from the hospital. Roman Brady? Nope, she surmised that he was part of the problem with her memory. Bo Brady. Didn’t remember him. Shawn D. Brady? Didn’t remember him. Caroline Brady. No recollection. “What is up with all these Brady’s?” she thought to herself as she thumbed through more Brady names. Eric. Sami, Carrie, Hope. Kimberly, Shawn. The list seemed to go on. “Finally.” she thought to herself as she encountered a series of people with the last name of Horton. None of the names seemed to ring a bell to her. Black. She was curious as to the number of people with the last name of Black. To her surprise she only found two entries. One for her daughter Belle and the other for someone named Brady. She had an uneasy feeling in her stomach as to why her husband was not listed. She continued to go through the entries, surmising that she must have had a lot of friends. As she neared the end of the entries she came across an entry for “Sailor”. “That’s an unusual name,” she thought to herself. Something inside her told her to call the number. “What the hell am I going to say if someone answers? Hi. I’m Marlena Black. How do you know me?” She decided to take the chance and call the number.
The phone rang twice before a deep voice on the other end answered it, “John Black.”
Marlena, hands shaking, quickly disconnected the call. “What the hell am I going to do? He’s going to know that it is me. What is he going to think? That was real dumb Marlena. You should have just taken the time and spoken to him” She said as she laid down on the bed and put the pillow over her head and screamed.
She picked up the phone again and found “Sailor” in the directory and dialed the number.
The phone rang once before the same deep voice answered, this time in a hurry, “Marlena. I’m glad you called. Please don’t hang up.”
Marlena stared at the phone, forgetting that with cell phone technology he knew it was her before he answered.
“Marlena, are you okay?” He asked gently, not wanting to push her and cause her to hang up the phone. After a month of minimal contact he was elated that she had made contact.
“I’m okay.” She said softly as tears came to her eyes.
“You don’t sound alright to me? Did something happen.” He asked softly. Internally he was fuming. If that asshole Dr. North hurt her in anyway he was going to kill the man with his bare hands and then he would dump his carcas out of the helicopter and let the bears eat him. He’d show Dr. North the wilderness alright.
“I’m fine.” She said nothing more. Not willing to give him any clues as to what she was feeling. He made her so uncomfortable, yet there was something about him that drew her to him. Something unexplainable.
“How is the weather up there? I bet its getting cold in the evenings?” He asked, wanting to keep her on the phone by discussing “safe” topics. After John had dropped Marlena and Alex off at the cabin he began to see a therapist to deal with his own issues. He felt enormously betrayed that his wife, who was the most loyal person that he knew, would commit adultery. He had such feelings of rage in him towards her and Roman. He kept trying to rationalize her behavior and at one time had himself convinced that Roman probably forced himself on her. The more time John spent with his therapist, the more that he knew that Roman and Marlena both willingly committed adultery. He could be bitter and suspicious and resentful of them for the rest of their lives and eventually drive her away by being an asshole, or he could forgive her for her actions and move on. He decided a couple of weeks ago after a particularly intense session with his therapist, to forgive her in his heart. It was such a liberating moment for him. Yes, the thought of another man fucking his wife sent him over the edge and filled him with rage, but he refused to allow himself to be controlled by that one event. Having Marlena back in his life, healthy and whole was what was most important to him. Thinking back to the time he arrived in Salem, not knowing who he was, gave him insight into what she must be feeling. He realized on some level that he had been a cold-hearted asshole to her since the moment she woke up not knowing who she was. He was more concerned about marking his territory to Roman than actually helping her.
“It’s beautiful. The leaves are starting to turn yellow now.” She replied, pulling him out of his thoughts.
“Is it getting cold?” He asked, keeping to neutral topics. He knew from personal experience that the last thing that she needed was for him to pressure her into remembering her past. He would only end up alienating her. As long as he kept the conversation “safe” to her, the chance of her calling to talk at a later time was better.
“A little. But I don’t mind it at all. There is something about the cold that is so cleansing to me. For the last couple of mornings there has been frost on the ground.”
“That sounds beautiful. I wish that I had left you with a camera so that you could have taken pictures of the scenery.” John said before he realized that he may be delving into an area that made her uncomfortable.
“That would have been nice. Maybe you could send me a camera. Do I even have a camera?” she asked shyly.
“I believe your camera is somewhere around the house. I’ll have the maid look for it.”
“You have a maid?” Marlena asked in awe.
“Yes.” John said, not elaborating anymore.
“Oh course, why wouldn’t you? You have your own helicopter and airplane. Why wouldn’t you have a maid?” She stated sarcastically.
“We. Marlena. We. It’s not just mine, they are yours too.” He knew that talk of their life together might shut her down, but he didn’t want to leave her with the impression that these were only his things. They were both of theirs.
“Okay. Ours. John can I ask you something personal?” She said whispering into the phone.
“Sure. What would you like to know?” His curiosity was peaked as to what she wanted to know.
“Is this my cell phone that I have?”
“Yes” he answered, not sure of where she was going with this line of questioning.
“Do I call you Sailor?” she asked sheepishly?
He smiled as he responded, “Yes, as I call you Doc.”
“Um, why?” she asked timidly. Before he had a chance to respond he heard banging in the background of the phone.
“Marlena. Marlena. Are you okay? Can you hear me?” He said hurriedly into the phone.
“It’s Alex, he’s probably worried about me. I’ve got to go now.” She whispered into the phone. “Bye” was the last thing her heard before the line was cut.
____________________________________
Chapter 1 – Part Two
John leaned back into his leather chair at Basic Black and put his feet up on the desk. “Well I’ll be damned” he said aloud smiling.
“Someone is in a good mood. Care to share with me what is causing such a big smile on your face? I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time John” Kate Brady said as she sat on the corner of his desk taking in his ruggedly handsome looks and beautiful smile.
“The universe is going according to plan, for once.” John said cryptically as he continued to smile.
“John, Roman has asked me for a divorce.” Kate said as she started to cry.
“I’m sorry Kate.” John said matter of fact, not moving from his spot and not letting the smile on his face diminish by her news. He felt bad for her, he really did, but nothing was going to ruin his elation of Marlena having called him. She wouldn’t have called him if somewhere in subconscience she didn’t care. He had something to grasp onto, hope that things were going to turn around for both of them real soon.
“…and so Roman told me that because of what I did to Sami, that our marriage was not salvageable.” Kate said as the tears ran down her face.
John handed her a tissue, and mentally composed his response first. “Kate, I know that there has been no love loss between you and Sami. Everyone knows that. You both are quite open about your hate and distrust of each other. But, Sami is his daughter and my stepdaughter. I’m not her biggest fan either. Hell, I openly blame her for pushing Marlena to the emotional limit in the hospital and contributing to her amnesia. But, I would never go after her and intentionally cause her emotional pain. What you did was wrong. You hurt Roman deeply. Can you blame the man for wanting a divorce?” John said as he sat up in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair, avoiding eye contact with Kate.
“I can’t believe you of all people are defending that bitch.” Kate said as she pursed her lips, with anger in her voice and eyes.
“I’m not defending anyone Kate, I’m just trying to point out to you why Roman asked for a divorce.”
“I thought you of all people would be on my side in this. Look at everything that Sami has done to you over the years. Don’t you hate her.” Kate said as she inched closer to where John was sitting.
“Regardless of what she has done, she’s Marlena’s daughter. I raised her as my own. No matter what she does, I will always love her and be there for her when she needs me. Just because I may not agree with her actions, doesn’t mean that I am going to dismiss her from my life as if she means nothing to me.” John was trying his hardest not to raise his voice, but Kate was making it hard for him. He was so far beyond caring that Roman had asked her for a divorce.
“What the hell happened to the John Black that I know and love. I can’t believe that you are defending Roman and Sami…” John cut Kate off before she said something that she would really regret later, if that was possible.
“That man opened his eyes one day and saw all that he was missing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend.” John said as he walked past Kate and headed his door, his smile returning to his face. She called me. She called me.
Edited by Tammy, May 2, 2015, 2:31 pm.
Chapter 2
“Marlena, could you give me a hand?” Dr. Alex North yelled from the kitchen, unsure of where Marlena was in the cabin.
“Sure, what do you need help with?” Marlena asked as she walked into the room. She found Alex standing on the countertop waving a broom around. “Uh, Alex, what are you doing?” She asked him quizzically. He looked so flustered waving the broom around trying to hit something that she couldn’t see. She wanted to laugh out loud, but the look on his face kept her from doing so.
“It’s not what you think.” He stated emphatically as he continued to wave the broom around.
“Which would be?” Marlena asked as she walked toward the counter trying to get a closer look at whatever if was that Alex was trying to hit. She then noticed a bat in the corner in the room near the window. “Is this what you are afraid of?” she asked as she approached the bat.
“Don’t go near it.” Alex yelled. “It could have rabies or something like that.”
“Are you afraid of bats Dr. North” Marlena asked as she raised her eyebrow. She got the dustpan out and took the broom from Alex.
“Can’t stand them.” Alex honestly replied. “I have an intense dislike of all flying objects.”
“That surprises me. As a psychiatrist I would have thought that you would have treated yourself to eliminate that fear.” Marlena took the broom and gently coaxed the bat into the dust pan. She took a dish towel and covered her hand before picking up the dust pan. Alex watched in wonder as she opened the door and liberated the bat.
“You seem at ease doing that. Are you sure that you weren’t a veterinarian in a past life?” He asked as he jumped down from the counter.
“Maybe I was,” Marlena replied as she shrugged her shoulders.
“You seem unusually happy this morning. Did you have a good nights sleep?” He asked her. There was something about her that was slightly different today. He wondered briefly if she was having memories of her past. He’d have to ask her about that later when they had a session. He was looking forward to todays session. He wanted to talk to her about why she locked the door to her room last evening.
“Oh, I had a wonderful nights sleep. This place is soooo relaxing. I could stay here forever.” Marlena replied smiling. Alex watched as she walked over to the front window and looked out. “You wouldn’t happen to have a camera here, would you?” she asked.
“No, why?”
“Just thought it might be nice to take some pictures of the scenery. It’s so beautiful this time of the year.” She glanced around at the trees surrounding the property. Many were starting to turn yellow. She wished that John could see the leaves. John. John. The feeling of uneasiness took over her. She took a big gulp of air and tried not to physically react to her thoughts.
The transformation of her face from one of bliss to abject fear along with her sudden hyperventilation did not go unnoticed by Alex. He slowly walked over to her and put an arm around her as to not frighten her. “You’re okay Marlena. It’s safe here. Are you remembering something?” He asked as he drew her closer to him.
She looked up at him wide eyed and pulled away, “It’s nothing”, she said as she pulled her shirt closer to her body. “I just need some fresh air. I think I’ll take a walk.” She grabbed the coat that John had packed for her out of the closet and quickly put it on.
Alex watched from the window as she made her way down the narrow walk. She was beautiful in her long black coat with a black mink collar. He bet the coat had set John Black back a couple of thousand of dollars. He wondered what part of looking at the scenery had affected Marlena so. Regardless, he made a vow to figure it out.
Marlena pulled the coat tighter around her to ward off the brisk wind chill. She put her hands into her pockets and to her surprise they weren’t empty. One of the pockets contained a handkerchief. “Great. Why doesn’t it surprise me that I don’t use Kleenex like to rest of the population?” she thought to herself. She pulled it out for closer inspection. To her surprise the monogrammed initials JB were clearly visible. Automatically, she brought it up to her nose and smelled it. She was suddenly overcome by an intense feeling of love.
She was ashamed for what she was feeling and quickly folded the handkerchief up and placed it gently into her jeans pocket. She then stuck her hand into her other pocket, uneasy about what she might find. She pulled out a ticket stub to an opera that she had never heard of, a tin of mint altoids, a tube of pink lipstick, and a simple pair of cubic zirconium earrings.
“What kind of person was I?” She asked herself out loud. “I don’t like Opera, why would I go to one? I can’t stand the color pink and why would I leave earrings in my pocket. At least the altoids are kind of normal.” She put the pieces of her past back into her coat pocket and continued on her quest.
Once she reached the river that she knew bordered Alex’s property on one end, she found a comfortable rock to sit on. She stared at the water rushing by wishing that she could remember who she was. She pulled the handkerchief out of her pocket and brought it to her nose once again. Closing her eyes, she once again smelled it. Overcome once again with an intense feeling of love, Marlena gave into the feeling this time instead of avoiding it. “Why. Why can’t I remember?” she yelled to the sky. As she got up to leave, she failed to notice Alex behind a tree observing her.
Chapter 3
“Victor, it’s John.” John said into his cell phone. “I was thinking about what you said the other day about Dr. North and me not trusting him. I think I’d like to take you up on your offer to do a background check on him.” John trusted Victor’s instinct. If Victor thought the situation was suspicious, maybe he should have checked the good doctor out a little more carefully.
“That wasn’t exactly my suggestion, but I see no reason why one shouldn’t be done. What do you really know about the man?”
‘“Well, Lexi said..”
“Lexi, as in Stefano’s daughter?” Victor interrupted. “You’d trust the word of a Dimera?”
“She’s different from her old man. I have no reason not to trust her. She’s one of Marlena’s good friends. Even if Stefano is her old man, I highly doubt that she would do anything that would put Marlena in jeopardy.” John said as he paced back and forth in front of his bed.
“That may be John, but can you be sure?” Victor couldn’t believe what he was hearing from John. “You’ve changed in the past couple of years. The old John would never have let someone take his wife away, especially someone that he knew very little about.”
“How could I not be different Victor? I thought my wife was dead twice in the past two years. How could that not effect me?” He felt a sour taste in his mouth as he thought about the time he had wasted with Kate. God, how could he have been so stupid? Even if he truly believed Marlena was dead, to move on with his wife’s friend? What the hell was he thinking? In the cold light of the day he saw the situation for what it was, tasteless. In a way he was glad that Marlena didn’t have her memory. As least she didn’t remember his indiscretion with Kate.
“All the more reason to keep a closer eye on her and her recovery.” Victor replied. John’s behavior since Victor returned from the island was puzzling him. John was always so strong minded and passionate. The John before him was but a shell of his former self. Somehow he felt that he needed to get through to him and make him see what a wimp he had become.
“I know that. God, don’t I know that. If I were to do what my heart is telling me to do…”
“Which would be?” Victor interrupted.
“My heart is telling me to go up to that cabin and claim what is mine.”
“Now that’s the old John. So what’s stopping you?”
“Her recovery. Dr. North to be specific.” John said as he sat on the bed and picked up Marlena’s pillow and put it to his nose. He closed his eyes as a memory of her laying her head on that pillow in the afterglow of some intense love making overtook him.
“Exactly, and that’s all the more reason to go and get her. John, I don’t have to tell you what a special woman Marlena is. Marlena is the type of woman that a man does whatever he can to keep her in his life.”
“I know that Victor.” John said as he continued to hug the pillow.
“Don’t do what I’ve done in the past John, don’t lose Marlena. You have been given another chance with her, don’t let it pass you by.”
“I want nothing more than to bring her back home to Salem where she belongs, but I can’t jeopardize her recovery. Don’t you know how much it kills me to lie awake at night and know that she is in a strange place with a strange man? Dammit, Victor, she belongs in my bed, beside me. I’d give anything for her to get her memory back.” John threw the pillow down on the bed and walked toward the balcony.
“Are you going to get her, or are you going to take the safe route and have a thorough background check run on Dr. North?” Victor asked.
“Could you use your sources to have a background check done? I’d ask Shane, but he is preoccupied with other cases right now. Besides, I’d hate for it to get back to Marlena that I somehow questioned the legitimacy and motives of her shrink.”
“John, I know that this isn’t something that you want to hear, but you need to also think about yourself and your own needs and wants. If Marlena never remembers who she is, are you prepared for that?”
“Never.” John hissed vehemently. “Never. It would kill me if she didn’t remember our love. She is the love of my life. She means everything to me. She completes me like no other woman ever has and ever will. If I can’t have that, life has no meaning for me.”
Victor was shocked at John’s honestly, but not necessarily surprised. He and John had been through so much together through the years and he always knew how strong John’s feelings were toward Marlena, but he always surmised that the relationship was based mainly on a sexual intensity. Anyone who had observed the two of them together could see the raw magnetism that puzzled like a current between them. He sometimes felt like he was voyeur intruding on a private moment.
“John, you have to go and see her. Make sure that she is okay. Go and play spy up there if need be.”
“Vic, that’s a great idea. Look, thanks for the chat, I’ll let you know what happens. Please call me as soon as you hear anything.”
“John, take care and be careful. You don’t know who or what Marlena may be involved with. Um, on another note, I have a favor to ask.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Brady’s wedding. I hate to be skipping out so soon. Could you help him with the wedding plans and let me know what my portion of the cost is?”
“I’d be delighted to John. I’d give me something to do. Talk to you later.” Victor said before he hung up the phone. He wanted to shake John sometimes for the poor choices he made.
Chapter 4
No sooner had John hung up his cell phone than it rang again. He hit the talk button, “Victor, you already figured out what the cost would be?” John asked.
“Victor?” The voice on the other end replied.
“Marlena?” John asked softly into the phone as he looked at the caller readout on the screen. The word DOC was staring back.
“Are you busy? Is this a bad time? I’m sorry I shouldn’t have called.” Marlena said in a hurry.
“I have all the time in the world for you. What’s up?” John asked toning down his true feelings considerably as to not frighten her.
“Do I like opera?” She asked.
“Yes, why?” He was curious as to what brought about this particular question.
“I found a ticket stub to an opera in the pocket of the coat that you packed for me. It is my coat, right?”
“Yes.”
“Did we go to the opera together often?”
“We had season tickets to the Salem metropolitan opera. You used to joke that it was the one place you could go without running into a former patient.” He laughed nervously.
“What was I like as a person?” She timidly asked.
“You were a wonderful person. Is there anything specifically that you’d like to know?” He asked.
“That’s what everyone keeps telling me, but I honestly don’t feel it.”
“What kind of person do you think you were?”
“I don’t know. My mind is telling me one thing and my heart another.”
“I’d go with what your heart is telling you. It’s my experience that your mind can play tricks that your heart won’t.”
“That sounds like good advice. Are you sure that you aren’t a psychiatrist?”
“Nope, just your regular run of the mill business man.”
“Obviously a pretty good one, judging by the helicopter. What kind of business do you run, if you don’t mind me asking?” Alex had made comments about John’s wealth and what her private treatment was costing him. She had to admit that she was curious about this aspect of her life with him.
“Basic Black.”
“The clothing company?” He couldn’t be serious.
“Yes.”
“Seriously. You own Basic Black?” There was no way she was married to someone who owned a large and prestigious clothing company. She thought maybe he owned an engineering company or something like that.
“We. We own Basic Black.” John said as he emphasized the word we.
“Why didn’t you pack me any clothes that are from there?”
“I didn’t want you to think that I was pressuring you to remember me. I thought if you saw the labels you would think it was a ploy.” John replied honestly, for the thought did occur to him to make sure that every article of clothing in her suitcase was a Basic Black original. Everything from her lingerie to her shoes. He thought about the line of lingerie that Basic Black carried that he had designed with Marlena in mind. All the way from the colors to the private label. A smile came to his lips as he thought about the labels’ name “Delicious on Contact”. Belle and the rest of the designers thought that it was a cool and unusual name for a line of lingerie. Marlena laughed in surprise when John presented her with a pair. “John, Delicious on Contact? DOC? Isn’t that a little obvious?” Regardless, Marlena had worn nothing but John’s lingerie ever since.
“Could I ask a favor of you?”
“Sure.”
“Could you maybe send me….” She was too ashamed to finish her sentence, for she didn’t want to appear to be too needy to him.
“Send you what?” He asked as he finished her sentence.
“It’s nothing.”
“It’s obviously something. Name it. You want ice cream, I’ll fly some up to you. You want a gourmet dinner, I’ll fly in Emeril.”
“Emeril, as in the TV chef?”
“The one and the same. The last time you had a craving for some authentic French cuisine he flew in to prepare it for you. He seemed to have a little crush on you. I don’t think he’d mind flying up to Green Mountain.” John’s mind took him back to that day a couple of years ago, before everything had started to fall apart.
“Emeril cooked for me?” She asked in astonishment. Just who was this man everyone said was her husband?
“Yes. So name what you want and I’ll try to get it for you.” He knew that she didn’t remember anything from her past, at least she wasn’t letting on that she did. He would go to the ends of the earth to get her whatever her heart desired.
“Could you maybe send some other clothes?” She finally asked.
“Other clothes?” He asked, not sure of what she meant.
“I don’t really like all the clothes you packed. They aren’t really my style.” She didn’t want to offend him, but she really didn’t like the clothes he had packed.
“What kind of clothes would you like?”
“Something simple, tasteful, not to grandmotherly looking. Did I really wear these clothes before?” She said looking down at her brown corduroy slacks and cream colored turtleneck. Everything in her suitcase was so conservative.
“Yes, although I admit I was always trying to get you to show a little more skin.” John said before he realized it.
At the mention of the word skin Marlena suddenly was overcome with a flashback of kissing John in a pond somewhere. She vividly saw herself approach John with lust in her eyes. She grabbed him around her neck and pulled him to her. John’s one hand reached under the water and pulled her nude body closer to him. She opened her mouth to allow him access.
“What’s wrong Marlena?” John quickly asked after he heard her gasp for air. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Marlena replied her voice a little shaky. “I’ve got to go. Bye.” She said as she hung up the phone without waiting for his response. The feeling of uneasiness that she usually felt when his name was mentioned returned. She ran into the living room, clutching her hands to her throat. “Alex, I can’t breathe.” She said as she fell to her knees on the floor hyperventilating.
Chapter 5
“Marlena. Breathe deeply.” Alex said as he held the paper bag in front of her mouth. Marlena was on her knees, crying and gasping for air hysterically. He wasn’t sure what brought about this panic attack, but knew it was most likely due to something from her past that she was remembering. Her cell phone that she clutched in one hand rang incessantly.
“Come on, you can do it. Breathe deeply into the bag. You’re going to be okay.” He continued to hold the bag in front of her. He wished that the phone would stop ringing so he could concentrate. Why the hell was this happening to him?
Marlena continued to gasp for air and clutch her throat rather than the paper bag. Alex knew that if she kept this up for much longer she would loose consciousness. He decided that it was in her best interest to administer a sedative. He left her on the floor and ran into the kitchen and grabbed a syringe from the cabinet atop the refrigerator. “Alex, help.” Marlena pleaded from the living room. He quickly returned and prepped the needle. Marlena saw the needle right before he quickly jabbed it into her hip
“No.” She screamed in terror. “Not that. Please. Don’t hurt me.” Marlena cried out as she slipped into unconsciousness. Alex picked up her limp body and carried her upstairs to the bedroom. He gently placed her under the covers and checked her vital signs. Her breathing was much too shallow. If it didn’t improve he was going to have to seek medical attention. “Come on Marlena. Wake up.” He pleaded with her. “Come on. You are safe with me here. You can do it. I know that you want to wake up.”
For hours he paced back and forth in front of the bed encouraging her to wake up. Every ten minutes or so he would check her vital signs. He knew that he had not given her enough of a sedative to cause her to be out for this long. He was starting to worry that she was either experiencing a medical complication from the sedative or there was some underlying psychological issue that was keeping her in this state.
“Fuck.” He yelled as he grabbed her cell phone out of her hand. He pulled John’s business card out of his wallet and proceeded to call his number.
“Doc? I’ve been worried…” John answered the phone.
“It’s Dr. North.” Alex interrupted.
“Where is Marlena? Is she okay?” John asked. He was frantic with worry after she abruptly ended the five hours earlier.
“John, there has been a situation.”
“What situation. Tell me what is going on with my wife?” He was starting to get pissed off. God dammit, this was his wife that they were taking about.
“Calm down, John. Marlena is here with me. She had a panic attack earlier and started hyperventilating.” Holy mother of hell, why the hell wasn’t he notified immediately that there was a problem?
“Is she okay? I have been trying to reach her for hours. Why the hell didn’t you answer the phone? What the hell is going on up there?” John asked.
“She should be fine.” Alex didn’t want to worry him.
“Should be? Should be? She’s not fine right now? Is that what you are saying?” John was starting to panic.
“How soon can you get the helicopter up here?”
“What the fuck is wrong with her?” John said as he looked out the window of the helicopter.
“She is unconscious and non-responsive.” John closed his eyes and put his right hand against his temple. He felt nauseous. He knew it was a bad idea to let Marlena stay at the cabin alone with Dr. North.
“What happened?” He was trying to remain calm.
“How soon can you send the helicopter here. She needs to be taken to the nearest hospital.” Alex finally confessed.
“I can see the cabin right now. We should be landing in a couple of minutes. Where is she?” He was going to kill the man if anything was wrong with Marlena.
Alex did the math in his head. John must have taken off hours ago from Salem. “Upstairs in the bedroom. The front door is unlocked.”
“See you in a few.” John said as he hung up the phone and motioned for his pilot to go faster.
The helicopter had barely touched the ground, when John opened the passenger door, leapt and ran as fast as he could up the narrow path that lead to the front door. Upon entering the house, he took two steps at a time as he ran up to the bedroom. He first noticed Dr. North sitting on the side of the bed checking Marlena pulse. Marlena was so pale and fragile looking. “Oh Doc.” He said as he walked over to her. Alex looked up at him and made eye contact. “John, I had to give her a sedative to calm her down. She should have been awake hours ago. Does she have any allergies that I wasn’t told about.”
“We’ve got to get her to the hospital.” John said ignoring Alex’s question. “I’ve got to get her help.” John leaned down and placed his arm under her knees and picked her up. “Come on Doc. Wake up.” John pleaded with her as he held her close to his chest.
“Come back to me. You can fight this Doc. You’re a fighter. You don’t give up. Come on.” Alex watched quietly as Mr. Black tried to coax his wife into consciousness.
“Hold on John. Let me check her vitals before you take her to the helicopter.” Dr. North said as he blocked John’s exit from the room.
John stopped and allowed Dr. North access to Marlena.
“Her pulse is getting stronger. She must be responding to some tactile stimuli.”
“If you’ll kindly move out of my way, I’m taking my wife to the hospital.” John said as he tried to step around Dr. North. Dr. North moved out of his way and followed him down the stairs. His pilot met John by the helicopter and took Marlena while John got into the back. The pilot gently transferred Marlena into John’s arms. John cradled his wife gently, placing soft kisses along her jaw line, begging her to wake up.
“Are you coming?” The pilot asked Dr. North.
Alex nodded and got in the front passenger seat. He looked at the cabin as it faded from the scenery. His plans for Marlena’s memory returning were not going according to plan.
Chapter 6
“Doc, honey, please wake up. I need you.” John whispered in Marlena’s ear as he gently rubbed her hair with his hand. She had to be okay. “Come on Doc. I know that you’re in there. Please wake up.” John continued to stroke her hair gently. He leaned down and placed his lips against her neck, breathing in her scent. He felt her the steady beat of her pulse against his lips. She was alive and she would be okay, he kept telling himself over and over.
A team of emergency room doctors met the helicopter on the roof of the building. John emerged from the helicopter with his wife in his arms.
“Mr. Black, we’ll take her from you.” a young doctor said as he gestured toward the gurney next to the helicopter.
“No. I’m going to carry her.” John said as he walked toward the roof top entrance to the hospital.
“Mr. Black, it will be quicker this way.”
“No, I said I’ll carry her.” John proceeded to walk toward the stairs.
“If you insist.” The young doctor led the way into the building. John followed the team of doctors into the ER and gently laid Marlena down on the table they told him to. The silence of the walk down to the ER was interrupted will all kinds of activity. Doctors and other medical personnel seemed to appear out of nowhere, hooking Marlena up to all kinds of machines. John stood by silently, helpless, holding her hand.
“Mr. Black, would you mind leaving the room for a little while, until she is stable?” An older nurse asked.
“I’m not going anywhere.” John replied, his eyes never leaving Marlena’s face.
“There’s paperwork that needs to be filled out…”
“Dr. North knows her medical history, have him do it.” John replied.
The team of doctors passed a few looks between themselves, realizing that Mr. Black wouldn’t be leaving his wife’s side anytime soon.
“If you want to stay, fine, but you’ll need to stand over there in the corner, out of the way.” A man with the nametag of Dr.
Carter, said to John pointing to the corner where John was expected to wait.
John reluctantly let go of Marlena’s hand and leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips before he took moved to the corner of the room as requested.
No sooner had John left her side, than one of the doctors started undressing her. Alex North briskly walked into the room and stopped dead in his tracks at the site of Marlena lying in the hospital bed in nothing but a rose colored bra. John quickly walked in front of him blocking his view. “Dr. North. It’s not necessary for you to be in here. They need you to fill out paperwork on what the hell happened to her up at the cabin.” John said with venom as he escorted Alex by the arm out of the room. Dr. North reluctantly left the room, sensing from the tone in John’s voice this was a battle that he wouldn’t win. John was beyond pissed that Dr. North even dared to enter Marlena’s room. He was the one that put her in this condition. The last thing her needed was the world renowned expert on amnesia cases gawking at his wife’s breasts. Fucking dolt.
When John returned, a nurse had just finished removing Marlena’s pants. John opened his mouth and shut it quickly. There was nothing to be said. He had the most fucking gorgeous wife in the universe. Large breasts, tiny waist, and legs that seemed to go on forever. God had blessed him. Only problem was that the occupant of the perfect body wasn’t home. He internally chastised himself for sexualizing Marlena when she was unconscious. He couldn’t help himself. He physically ached when he was near her. He physically reacted to her presence like he had for no other woman. The nurse grabbed a gown for to cover Marlena before she cut through the front of her bra to remove it. John gulped when he saw Marlena lying naked from the waist up. No matter how many times he had seen her naked, it was always like the first time to him. John felt himself growing hard. He couldn’t believe that he was having sexual feelings for her. What kind of man was he? Sex should be the last thing on his mind. He should be frantic with concern about her condition. A nurse with a clipboard of consent forms, brought John out of his funk.
“Please sign these.”
“What are they for?”
“They’re for her treatment. This one here is for surgical consent.”
“No way in hell.” John said shaking his head. “You just need to give her something to undo whatever it was that Dr. North did to her. No way are you going to cut her open. She has been through enough.”
“Mr. Black, I understand your concern. This is more or less a standard form. Many times when someone undergoes treatment, the need for surgery arises. Precious time is lost if we have to find the responsible party to sign a form.” The nurse hated when the family of patients questioned the course of treatment.
“I’m going to take that chance. I won’t be leaving her side until she wakes up. You can bet on that.”
“Take the chance on what?” Dr. North asked as he walked into the room. John could not believe the nerve for Dr. North. He needed to go away forever.
“Surgery. Not that it is any of your business. What the hell did you do to her? Why isn’t she waking up?”
“The doctors are checking for a medication interaction right now. They are giving her some medication to counteract the sedative. If that doesn’t work, we’ll look for a psychological reason.”
“There is no we, pal.” John hissed. “You’re involvement in my wife’s care is over. You did this to her.” John said as he poked Alex’s chest with his finger.
“I understand your feelings John. However, I have made great progress with Marlena’s care. To stop treatment now, could jeopardize the recovery of her full memory.”
“Pal, that is a chance I am willing to take.”
“Gentleman, please take your argument outside of this room.” Dr. Carter said from Marlena’s bedside where he was administering the counteractive drug.
Both men looked at Dr. Carter as Marlena began to stir.
“John,” Marlena whispered.
Chapter 7
“John,” Marlena whispered. John immediately went to her bedside and picked up her hand, leaning close to her face.
“I’m here Doc. You’re safe.”
“John.” Marlena repeated, her voice barely being heard above the whir of the machines. Dr. North ran out of the room to get the doctor.
“Doc. Come on. Come back to me baby.” John muttered tenderly to Marlena as he tenderly brushed her hair away from her face.
“I’m right here Doc. It’s me John.”
“Mr. Black,” Dr. Carter said with authority as he entered the room, “You’ll have to stand to the side while I check her vitals.”
“You can do them around me. She called for me and I’m not moving.” John said without looking up. “Come on Doc. Come back to me.” John said to Marlena as he continued to stroke her face. “Come on baby. Its me, John.”
Dr. Carter heard the resolve in John’s voice and knew that he wasn’t going to win this argument. He quickly moved to the other side of the bed and lowered the rail so that he could have easier access to Mrs. Black.
“Mrs. Black. Marlena. Can you hear me?” He asked as he lifted her eyelid with one finger and shone his light upon her hazel orb.
“Marlena. Can you hear me?” Dr. Carter asked again as he did the same to the other eye. No response. No reaction whatsoever.
“John.” Marlena whispered again.
“There is no ocular response, but clearly she is trying to come back to us.” Dr. Carter said matter of factly to John as he checked Marlena’s pulse.
“Doc. Come on. You can do it. I’m here waiting for you. I’ll wait here the rest of my life if I have to.” John whispered softly to her.
“I’d wait for you forever. Come back to me when you are ready lady.”
“John.” Marlena whispered, this time a little louder.
“Come on Doc. You’re doing great.” John said trying to coax her back from her unconscious state.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “Sorry John.” She started moving her head back and forth. John stepped back a little to provide her with more room. He silently prayed a mantra to Marlena. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up. Please wake up.
Dr. Carter checked her vitals again. “Medically she is fine. Continue what you’re doing Mr. Black. It seems to be working.”
John once again stroked her hair. “Come on Doc.” He bent down as kissed on her the lips. Her eyes opened immediately and she struggled in the bed, as if to get away from him. John failed to notice her apprehension.
“Hey, sleeping beauty is awake,” he said, as he gently touched the side of her face with his fingertips.
“Where am I?” she asked as she attempted to sit up in bed. She looked wildly around the room trying to find someone or something familiar. “What am I doing here?”
“It’s okay, Doc.” John said trying to reassure her, “You’re at the Green Mountain Hospital.” He continued to stroke the side of her face. Marlena reached up and removed his fingers from her face. “Please don’t,” she whispered. John looked crushed. She saw the look that passed over his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I just don’t want to be touched right now.” She laid her head back on her pillow and tried to close her eyes. John misinterpreted her actions, thinking that she was slipping back into unconsciousness. “Oh, no you don’t Doc. You are staying here with me.” He said forcefully and grabbed her chin, trying to get her to stay awake.
Marlena shuddered at his forceful touch and screamed, “DON”T TOUCH ME.” Tears welled up in her eyes. Alex who was watching this whole encounter from his chair in the corner saw the need for immediate interference and walked over to the bed. “Come on now. Marlena you’re safe, John was just trying to keep you awake.”
“I want to be alone. Please leave now,” she begged of her guests. John didn’t understand what the hell was happening. Was her memory back? Did she still have amnesia?
“Look, I need to examine Mrs. Black, would both of you mind leaving?” Dr. Carter asked.
“Mrs. Black?” Marlena asked.
“That is who you are isn’t it?” He asked. Both John and Alex stared at Marlena eagerly awaiting an answer.
“My name is Marlena Evans. Not Mrs. Black,” she replied looking directly at John. Did she know who he was? He wasn’t sure, but wondered why she would say it directly at him.
“Do you know who I am?” John asked her.
“John Black.” She said staring at him coldly.
“Do you know who I am?” Alex asked.
“Dr. North.” Alex was relieved that she knew who he was.
“Do you know what day it is?” Alex asked. He really wanted to know if she had her memory back but didn’t want to appear too anxious. He was supposed to be displaying professional detachment, but when Marlena was concerned all his objectivity went out the window.
“Gentleman, please step outside while I talk with my patient. Nurse.” Dr. Carter called. If they wouldn’t leave he was going to have them escorted out. He wasn’t going to have anyone interfering with his patient. Both Alex and John were so caught up with Marlena remembering or not remembering her past that they failed to notice the blood pressure monitor attached to Marlena slowing rising.
Once John and Alex left the room, Dr. Carter took her wrist to check her pulse. It really wasn’t necessary as she was hooked up to a machine that recorded every fluctuation of her vital signs. In reality, he just needed to feel like he was doing something. Something to occupy his time while he was in her presence. She made him uncomfortable, but he really didn’t know why. “Marlena, my name is Dr. Carter.”
“Why am I here?” she asked.
“Good question. You apparently had an allergic reaction to a sedative.”
“A sedative? Why was I taking sedatives?” She tried to search her recent memory as to why she would be taking a sedative but couldn’t come up with any reason.
Seeing the look of confusion on her face he asked her, “Do you remember the events of yesterday?”
“Yes. Yes,” she whispered, “I was in the pond kissing John.”
Chapter 8
“I was in the pond kissing John,” Marlena said looking up at John.
“What?” he asked her, looking for some recognition in her eyes that she knew him. What pond?
“Oh my God,” she said bringing her hand to her mouth and covering it. “Where’s Roman? Did he see us? What happened John?” she said looking up at him. Roman would have killed her if he had seen her making out with John. Maybe he had seen them together and that’s why she was in the hospital.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” John said. He was confused as to her line of thinking. Why would she be remembering Roman and a pond? It didn’t make a lot of sense to him.
“Why was I taking sedatives. I wasn’t sick? Was I?” She looked up and John and then over to Alex. “Would someone tell me what is going on?” She pleaded frantically. None of this was making sense to her.
“Marlena, what else can you tell me about yesterday?” Alex finally asked. Not knowing her complete history he was a little lost as to what she was remembering.
“It’s rather personal and I don’t want to discuss it,” she said coldly to him.
“It might help in your recovery?” he offered.
“There is nothing to recover from. As Dr. Carter said, I had an allergic reaction to a sedative.” Looking over at John she asked,
“Where is Roman?”
“Roman is in Salem Doc?” he admitted, not wanting to make eye contact.
“Why? John you’re scaring me with that look. He knows doesn’t he? Did he see us? Did you tell him?” Her questions became more and more frantic, her eyes pleasding with him to tell her the truth.
“Doc,” John started, trying to choose his words carefully. “What do you think Roman knows about?” He looked over to Dr. North for guidance and Dr. North shook his head signaling that this was a safe line of questioning.
“You know,” she whispered, “about us. Did he see us skinny dipping in the pond at Hot Springs.”
“Hot springs?” John asked. Hot Springs? He hadn’t been to Hot Springs in over a decade. “Holy shit,” he thought. She was remembering the last time they were there together.
“Earth to John,” Marlena said while waving her hand in front of his eyes, “You remember. You. Me. Warm water. Naked.” John clearly remembered that episode in his distant past with her. She was so beautiful and uninhibited in the water.
Dr. North looked at the couple before him with curiosity. He was desperately trying to formulate a revised treatment plan in his head that would accommodate Marlena not regaining her memory sequentially.
“I remember Doc,” he said shyly.
“You should. It was just yesterday. If you hadn’t I would think that there was something wrong with your memory.” She kidded with him. “Seriously though, where is Rebecca and Roman?”
Rebecca, now that was a name from the past, John thought. How the hell was he going to explain that it had been over 12 years since that night in Hot Springs? He was ecstatic that she remembered him, but in her mind she was married to Roman. This was so not how he wanted things to go. Why was she remembering this incident?
“John, you’re scaring me,” she said. “Why won’t you tell me where Roman is.”
“Hold on a moment,” John said as he walked over to Dr. North and gestured for him to follow him into the hallway.
“What the hell do I tell her?” John asked Alex. “She is remembering something from 12 years ago when she was married to Roman. Now I am pleased as hell that she remembers me at least, and I don’t want to further fuck up her mind.” John was frantic. He disliked Alex and knew he was up to no good, but he couldn’t take the chance of not getting his advice. Marlena and her memory loss were so beyond the scope of what he was used to dealing with. He would never forgive himself if because of his stubbornness and not wanting Alex to treat her, her memory did not come back or was even further messed up. He was in a no-win situation as knew it.
“John, most amnesiacs regain their memories a little differently than what we have here. Normally, one would expect a gradual return of memories in sequential order, with perhaps chunks of time missing. The missing time periods normally correspond to traumatic events that the psyche wants to forget. This is completely natural, and should not be alarming if it does happen. But, nothing about Marlenas case so far has been normal. I’ve told you before that I feel her amnesia was brought on by the culmination of psychological trauma. You know the specifics of her past, I only have a outline of the major events.”
“How do I help her?” He asked, not wanting to hear Dr. North’s dissertation on his wife’s memory loss. Was he suggesting that the last 12 years were so traumatic for her that she blocked them out?
“We need to create a supportive environment for her and allow her mind to catch up to the present.”
“If you are suggesting that I let her believe she is married to Roman there is no fucking way. No. Forget about it.” John couldn’t believe the nerve of Dr. North to even suggest that. Roman was the cause of the problem, the hell if he was going to be the solution.
“Mr. Black. This is not about you and your wants and needs. You are a complete person. You have your memories, Marlena does not.”
“He is the cause of her amnesia. There is no way I am letting that bastard near her. Don’t even ask, because the answer is no.”
“Since you technically hold her medical power of attorney I have to abide by your wishes. I will not involve Roman in her care, but you need to concoct a good reason why he won’t be around. I do have to caution you not to distort the sequence of events in her life in any manner or it may interfere with her recovery.” John Black thoroughly pissed off Dr. North. He always hated when possessive husbands tried to interfere with the recovery of their wives. They always ended up making things worse. Alex hoped that this would not be the case with Marlena.
“Agreed,” John said as he reached out to shake Dr. North’s hand.
“John,” Marlena called from the bed. He had been out in the hall with Alex a little too long.
“Yes,” he said as he approached her bed.
“Where’s Roman?”
“He was called back to Salem. The station needed him,” John lied.
“Oh, does he know that I am here?”
“Yes, I called him to let him know. He wants me to keep on eye on you,” John lied again. Technically it wasn’t a lie since 1993 Roman had no idea that he was having an affair with his wife. Roman trusted John implicitly back then. “Don’t worry about Roman, just concentrate on feeling better,” he said as he bent down and kissed her forehead.
“I’m so glad that you are here with me. When I woke up I was confused as to why I was here. You know how I hate being a patient.” She looked down at her hands, “Hey, where’s my wedding band?”
“Maybe it came off in the pond,” he lied. She thought she should be wearing Roman’s wedding band. That band was never going to touch her finger ever again. He would make sure of that.
“Does anyone else know that I am here?” she asked him with a gleam in her eye?
“Besides Roman? No, why do you ask?”
“Come here then,” she said as she pulled on the lapels on his shirt, pulling him closer to his mouth. Dr. North saw where this was going and left the room. “I know I told you that we needed to find a way to stay away from each other. But I can’t stop thinking about you, wanting you. I knew you were with Rebecca in the room next door. I couldn’t stay and listen to you make love to her. I willed you to come to see me in the pond,” she admitted.
“I know,” John replied as he captured her lips with his.
Chapter 9 – R
“I know I shouldn’t be kissing you. I’m sorry,” Marlena said as she pulled away from John. “We promised each other that we wouldn’t do this.”
“It’s okay, Marlena,” John said as he brushed her chin gingerly with his fingers. He bent down and brushed his lips against hers.
“Oh God, “ she moaned, opening her mouth and allowing him access. He ran his tongue gently along her lower lip. Eager for the feeling of his tongue, she opened her mouth further, pressing her mouth to his. Their tongues dueled for control. John grabbed the back of Marlena’s head with his left hand and pulled her body even closer to his. She reached down to what little space there was between their bodies, pulled his shirt out of his pants, and ran her fingers along his bare chest. She flicked the tip of his nipple with her nail. His body shivered in response.
“Oh Doc,” John moaned as he started kissing Marlena’s bare neck. He couldn’t get enough of her. He slowly lowered the front of her hospital gown, kissing her shoulders and collarbone along the way. Marlena suddenly took his face between her hands and pulled him up to her. John groaned, grabbed her face and passionately began to kiss her once again.
“John, we have to stop this,” she said as she continued to kiss him.
“This is right Doc. We are right,” he moaned.
“No, I’m married and you’re involved,” she reminded him between a kiss. He grabbed her face again and pulled her back to him.
“We belong together and that’s a fact.” He kissed her passionately again.
“We can’t keep doing this. It’s only going to make it harder when….” He plunged his tongue in her mouth to prevent him from finishing her sentence.
“John, I can’t think when you are doing this.” She made no effort to stop him.
“That’s the point.” He continued kissing her. “You think too much. Go with your feelings.” He cupped her breasts with his hands and ran this thumbs over her nipples.
“My feelings are what got me into this mess.” She admitted as she tried to escape his grasp on her.
“ There’s nothing wrong with that.” He pulled her back to him.
“John, really we have to stop.”
“Says who?” he asked as he bent his head down and pulled her nipple into his mouth.
“Says your doctor,” Dr. Carter said as he walked into the room. John jumped off of Marlena leaving her bare. With his back to Dr. Carter, he adjusted himself in his pants. Dr. Carter observed Marlena turning bright red and she quickly pulled up her gown to cover herself. He almost felt guilty for interrupting a tender moment between two lovers.
“What can we do for you,” John said turning around.
“The tests we ran on Marlena came back fine. The nurse should be by soon with the discharge instructions.” Dr. Carter looked at Marlena but she wouldn’t make eye contact with him. “Does she have any travel restrictions?” John asked.
“No, I suggest you contact her primary care physician and arrange for a follow-up appointment sometime next week. Other than that, she looks great.” John breathed a sigh of relief. He reached down and held Marlena’s hand in his.
“Do you hear that Doc, you’re going to be fine.” The issue of where she was going to go once she was discharged was the unspoken 2000-pound elephant in the room. Dr. Carter left the room to get the nurse.
“I guess I should call Roman and let him know,” she said sadly.
“Why don’t I call him?” John suggested. He didn’t want his wife anywhere near her ex-husband who she thought was her current husband. How the hell did they end up in the complicated mess? Marlena looked up at him with skepticism, “My lover calling my husband?” She said with a snark.
Screw therapy, John was burning up inside with the thought that the love of his life, the woman he’d die for, thought that she was married to her louse of an ex-husband. Roman. Would there ever be a day that he wasn’t involved in their lives in some way?
“Marlena,” John began, trying to chose his words carefully. “I love you more than anything in the world. You are my soulmate. You know that, don’t know?” He somehow needed reassurance from her that in her 1993 world she still loved him.
“Oh John,” she said with tears in her eyes. “ You know that I love you. I never stopped loving you. But we can’t continue this way. I can’t continue this. I took vows to be faithful to my husband. I am trying my hardest to be faithful to my vows. Can’t you see that this is killing me? I want to be with you more than anything in the world, you have to know that.”
“Then why can’t you?” he asked her. 1993 or 2005, the answer was still relevant to him.
“Dammit John. I stood before God and my friends proclaiming my fidelity to Roman. I can’t turn my back on that no matter what my feelings are for you.” Why couldn’t he understand?
“Are you afraid of disappointing people? Is that it Marlena? I could understand your commitment to Roman if you loved him, but I have yet to hear you associate that word and his name in the same sentence.” John was pissed. He seemed to be having the same argument with her that he had in 1993.
“Don’t try to psychoanalyze me John.” She warned him.
“Look I’m sorry. Why don’t I take you to a motel and tomorrow we’ll figure out what to do.” All he needed was a night alone with her and he was sure that he could make her remember who she was and their life together.
“No.”
“No?” He asked.
“No, it’s not a good idea with the state our emotions are in right now. I want to go with Dr. North.” Marlena said calmly.
“Dr. North?” John asked in astonishment. What the fuck? He forgot about her knowing who Alex was. “Why would you go with him? You hardly know him.”
“Hardly know him? John, Alex is an old friend of mine. I didn’t realize that he was working in this hospital. It will be good to spend some time catching up with him.”
Chapter 10
“Alex is on old friend of mine. It will be good to spend some time catching up with him,” John mimicked Marlena under his breath as he went out into the hall to find Dr. North and make him in some way end this predicament. “Good friend, my ass.”
“Were you saying something to me John?” Alex asked. He was listening outside the hospital room and had heard the end of John and Marlenas conversation and was beyond delighted that Marlena wanted to go home with him and not to John.
“No. Listen pal, we have a problem. Seems my wife thinks that you are an old friend of hers. Would you care to tell me why she thinks that?”
Oh shit, he forgot about that little nugget of information he hoped that Marlena wouldn’t have divulged until he was much closer along in his plan to regain her status in his life. This was going to take some fancy wordsmithing on his part to get John Black off of his back. “John, you know what I told you before, it’s not me that she is remembering.”
“I know, she transferring memories of me or someone else onto you,” John interrupted. “Only problem is, I’m not buying that bullshit now. I know my wife. If you just met her like you claimed why are you in her 1993 memories? Now you either tell me the truth or your supposed treatment of her is over.” John was furious with Dr. North.
“Mr. Black, this paranoia of yours can’t be helpful to her.”
“My paranoia? What about your evasiveness?” John countered.
“Mr. Black, why do you feel the need to question everything?”
“Assholes like you, that’s why.” John said with venom in his voice. “Every time I turn around it seems that someone is trying to fuck with my life or the lives of those I love.”
“That’s a sad commentary of your life.”
“That may be but its not your commentary to make. Look Dr. North, I don’t need you to play shrink with me. The only shrink I need is my wife. Got it? Don’t try to get into my head and try to confuse the topic. We are talking about how you knew my wife before. Now answer the question, god dammit.” John was beyond tired of Dr. North. He wanted nothing more than to squeeze the life out of his slimy body.
“As I told you before, she is a colleague. She is very well respected in her field.”
“Yea, yea, yea….yada, yada, yada. Nice cover, but I want the truth. Did you know my wife before her amnesia?”
“Is this relevant?”
“Fucking answer the question.” John demanded. “It’s a yes or no question, not multiple choice. For a doctor, your not very smart. Yes or no.” John demanded.
“Yes.” Dr. North admitted.
John doubled back. He honestly wasn’t expecting Alex to admit it. He had a hunch based on what Marlena had said before about them knowing each other, but a small part of him was hoping that it wasn’t true. This complicated everything.
“Funny that she never mentioned you before.” John wanted to hurt him, make him feel like his place in her life’s history was insignificant.
“She never mentioned you either,” Alex retorted.
“Pal, you are skating on real thin ice right now. You should have told me this from the beginning.”
“Why, it has no bearing on her treatment.”
“No bearing? It’s doesn’t take an MD for one to figure out that your failure to disclose this little fact has everything to do with her treatment. How do I know that you aren’t some deranged old friend of hers that wants to further mess up her mind.”
“Or maybe I’m just a jealous ex-lover that wants to get back together,” Alex offered, “Or, I could be a colleague of her that she consulted with over the years.”
“You bastard,” John said as he brought back his hand and punched Alex in the face as hard as he could. “Don’t talk about my wife like that Pal.” John warned him.
Alex rubbed the side of his face with his fingers, “Mr. Black, I’d advise you never to touch me again like that.”
“Or what?” John asked.
“I’m certain that your wife, as you so like to call her, wouldn’t be so understanding of you attacking the man that she trusts, which would be me. Move out of my way now before I notify hospital security.” Alex said with a smirk on his face as he walked past John into the hospital room.
“Marlena, Marlena, Marlena,” Alex said to her cheerfully as he walked into her room.
“Alex, come over here and give me a hug,” Marlena said with a smile. “What are you doing here? I thought you were working in Cleveland.” With all the personal turmoil she was going through she was happy to see a familiar face. Alex gave her a big hug before he sat down on the side of her hospital bed. He picked up her hand and laced his fingers through hers.
“I heard that you were brought in so I decided to pay you a visit,” he said with a smile.
“That’s awfully nice of you. How did you know that I was here?” She asked. He looked so good to her and she was genuinely happy to see him.
“Oh you know, it’s the old world famous psychiatrist receiving treatment in a rural hospital rumor mill,” he joked.
Marlena let out a laugh. “It’s good to see that you haven’t lost your sense of humor. So tell me what you have been up to?”
“Nothing much to tell. Work, work and more work. What about you? Last I heard you had married that guy Roman and had a couple of kids with him. How is married life treating you?”
“Roman and I are married,” she admitted. He noted the change in the tone of her voice when she said it.
“That’s good, so how is married life treating you?” he further probed.
She pulled her hand out of his grasp and turned her head to the side, “Okay,” she admitted. She wouldn’t look at him when responding. Roman was the last person in earth that she wanted to be talking about. Life just was not fair. She tried so hard to do what is right for everyone, but it was becoming harder and harder to tow that line. It was her issue, not Alex’s.
“Come on this is me you’re talking Marlie,” he said while reaching over and gently cupping her chin with two fingers. He slowly turned her face so that she was looking directly at him. She still wouldn’t make eye contact.
“Everything is fine,” she said while looking him in the eyes.
“That’s what you always used to say in the past. Marlie, the pillar of virtue and strength of our medical class. The world seems to be falling down around the rest of us, or at least we thought it had, but you always seemed to be able to put things into perspective.”
“As I can now,” she admitted.
“Still as stubborn as the last time I saw you, I see.” Although her enjoyed talking to Marlena with complete amnesia, he missed his dear friend and was grateful for the opportunity to interact with her knowing who he really was. He looked up and saw John in the hallway outside of the door listening to their conversation. He was livid, but not surprised. He would have done the same thing if Marlena were his wife.
“More so,” she laughed.
“So, when are you getting out of here?” he asked, already knowing the answer. He needed to move the conversation along to a safer topic, a topic where their actual history would not be revealed in front of John.
“Funny you should ask. Today, actually. Do you think you could recommend a good hotel around here and drop me off?” She had always hated hospitals, which was ironic since she worked in one.
“I’d love to.” Alex said.
John walked into the room and stood with his arms crossed at the end of her bed.
“You aren’t going anywhere with him. I’m taking you to the hotel and I’ll stay with you tonight and make sure that you’re okay.” John said assertively. John didn’t miss the slight gasping sound Marlena made when he said it. If he had missed the sound, there was no way he could have missed the look of lust in her eyes. “If you need any care, I’ll be the one providing it.”
Chapter 11
John gripped the steering wheel tightly as he glanced over at Marlena in the passenger seat. She had been silent since they left Green Mountain Medical Center. He wished that she would at least say something, anything. He would have actually listened to her discuss the latest in psychotherapy techniques at this point. John was bothered by the fact that he couldn’t tell if she was mad at him for demanding that she go with him. Whatever she was thinking, her eyes weren’t letting on. He could deal with her when she was mad, angry or sad, it was the not knowing that caused him unease.
“Marlena, are you going to ignore me all night?” he asked as he steered the rental car into the valet port at the Green Mountain Biltmore.
“I have nothing to say,” she said coldly, not looking at him. The valet opened her car door and helped her out. John opened his door and was about to hand over the keys when he noticed that Marlena hadn’t waited for him, but had entered the hotel lobby. John ran to catch up with her before he lost sight of her.
“Marlena, wait up,” he called after her. He hated when she got like this.
She turned around and stared at him before responding. “Fine,” she hissed through clenched teeth. He immediately noticed the tenseness in her stance. He caught up with her and took her elbow in his hand and proceeded to guide her to the reservation desk.
“Mr. Black, so nice to see you and your wife again. I have arranged for your usual suite. Bernard will be bringing up your luggage shortly.” The young desk clerk told him. John vaguely recalled her name being something like Lorna. Upon the mention of the word wife, John noticed Marlena flinch.
John looked over at Marlena before responding, “That won’t be necessary. This trip was kind of last minute and we didn’t have time to pack.” How was he going to explain the present to Marlena when she was still living in the past?
“That’s not a problem Mr. Black. Would you like Cecilia to do some personal shopping for you and Mrs. Black?”
John looked over at Marlena before responding. She didn’t look happy. “No, Mrs. Black, can shop for herself.” Marlena said. She was pissed.
“Marlena, you just got out of the hospital. Let her do the shopping for us.” John tried to reason with her. He wanted to spend time alone with her, reconnecting, not at the mall.
“Fine,” Marlena said as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Get whatever the hell you want, you always seem to anyway.” She left John standing at the counter and went over and sat on a couch in the lobby.
John gave Lorna a list of items that he and Marlena would need and then proceeded to the couch where his rather angry wife sat.
“Doc, ready to go to them room?” John asked calmly.
“Sure,” she said as she stood up and followed him to the elevator. Once the doors to the elevator closed, John pressed the button for the penthouse suite. He looked over at Marlena out of the corner of his eye. She was still pissed. As the elevator ascended so did her anger.
“Goddammit, when are we going to get there?” she muttered under her breath. John felt it wise to ignore her comments so as not incite a full-scale argument. Finally, the elevator door opened to the lavish penthouse suite.
John walked into the suite first, putting his wallet on the sofa table.
“Oh, John,” Marlena said taking in the opulence. “You can’t afford this.” Her anger seemed to have somewhat softened.
“Business has been good. It’s not a problem.” How was he going to explain that he had more money than he could ever spend in either of their lifetime? The Marlena of 1993 wasn’t used to John’s spending habits of 2005. She was just going to have to get used to it.
He watched as Marlena took a tour of the penthouse, seemingly unaware of the fact that they came up here as a couple rather frequently. Upon entering the bathroom, Marlena gasped at the in-ground marble spa that sat in the center of the room.
“Oh John,” she moaned. “Do you mind if I take a bath?” She felt grimy from being poked and prodded by the doctors and wanted nothing more than the remove all traces of that experience from her body.
“Hell no,” he said as he lowered the plug into the drain and turned on the water. He walked over to the vanity and picked out a bottle of cherry scented bubble bath. He looked up at Marlena in the mirror and saw that she was quickly undressing. He felt himself growing hard at the sight of her. After all these years he never seemed to get tired of looking at her, lusting after her, loving her.
“Do you need help?” he offered playfully.
“I’m fine,” she said with some coldness still in her voice. “Is there anything to drink around here, or does Cecilia also need to get that for us?”
“What are you in the mood for? Wine? Water? Scotch? Martini? Name your drink and I’ll get it.” She was still a bitch, but was getting naked so he didn’t mind as much.
“How about an ice cold beer,” she said as she removed the last item of clothing and stepped into the tub. “Stop staring at me,” she demanded as her naked body sank beneath the bubbles.
“Stop looking so damn appetizing,” John retorted.
“That’s real mature John, juvenile as ever.” Marlena said snidely.
“Marlena. Do you want to fight? Is that why you are acting this way?” He was really getting tired of her attitude and wanted to get the fight over with if that’s what Marlena was determined to do.
“What makes you think that?” She tried to ask innocently. Maybe she had been a little hard on him after all. She just despised when he became so possessive of her.
“Give it up. You have barely said a word to me since we left the hospital. Every time I look at you, you have the look on your face that you are pissed. Gee, don’t know why I’d think you were mad.” John said sarcastically as he walked out of the room to get her a beer.
“John I don’t want to fight,” Marlena said when he reentered the bathroom with her beer.
“Then be nice to me. I love you Marlena, you know that. I’m on your side. No matter what happens. You have to know that.”
She hated when he picked up on her insecurities. “I know, I know,” she said as she reached for the beer bottle he held in his hand. She twisted off the top, threw the cap onto the counter and proceeded to throwback her head and down the beer. John had never seen such unladylike and arousing behavior from her. He couldn’t believe that watching her drink a beer was turning him. John didn’t know what decade this Marlena thought she was living in, but he liked it. She handed him the empty bottle while licking her lips,
“Another one please,” she demanded, her words starting to slur together.
Oh God. He was a goner. He couldn’t just sit there and watch her drink a beer like that. Against his better judgement, he quickly walked into the other room and brought her back another one.
“Marlena, moderation please. Remember that you are on medication.” He reminded her as he handed her the bottle. Even though he wanted nothing more than to see her inebriated and uninhibited, he still felt a tinge of responsibility for her. He would never forgive himself if her alcohol consumption and medication had an adverse reaction.
“See this is what pisses me off about you John Black,” Marlena said as she opened the bottle and tossed the cap on the floor. She put the bottle to her lips and licked around the rim before taking two inches of the bottleneck into her mouth. John thought he was going to cum just by watching her drink her beer. She tipped her head back and swallowed a couple of gulps.
“What pisses you off Marlena?” he asked with a gleam in his eye. He rarely got an opportunity to play with Fun!Marlena. The Marlena he was accustomed to was always responsible and somewhat rigid. She could be playful at time, was sexy as hell and uninhibited in bed, but there was always a line drawn that she would not cross. Get her drunk and all bets were off.
“You always want to control me,” she whined.
“How?”
“You think you know what is best for me.”
“Because I do.” He knew his answer would piss her off but he didn’t care, he was being honest.
“Bullshit,” she said as she sat up in the tub, exposing her full breasts to him. She put the bottle up to her mouth and run her tongue around the rim.
“Marlena, you’ve got to stop doing that honey. You’re turning me on,” John warned her.
“Doing what?” she asked innocently as brought the neck of the bottle into her mouth and proceeded to slide it in and out of her mouth while occasionally taking a drink. John grabbed the bottle out of her mouth, set it down on the floor and stepped into the tub fully dressed.
Edited by Ali, November 9, 2014, 1:17 am.
Chapter 12
“John, what are you doing?” Marlena asked as John stepped into the tub.
“What does it look like I am doing?” he said as his body sank beneath the bubbles. He slid over so that he was straddling her.
“I was enjoying my bath and you had to ruin it.” She said as she tipped her head back instinctively.
“No, I’m going to make it better,” he said as his lips found her neck. He proceeded to place a line of small kisses up and down her neck.
“John, you have to stop doing that,” she moaned, making no effort to actually stop him.
“Or what?” he asked with a smile. “Doc, we have a connection. I’ll never be able to stay away from you, just like you can’t stay away from me.” He captured her lips with his mouth harshly. His hands reached up and gently caressed her breasts. As long as he lived he would never tire of touching her. Marlena gently wrapped her fingers in his hair and lowered his head to her breast.
“Please John,” she moaned. “Please what?” he innocently asked as he captured one of her pert nipples in his mouth.
“Oh God,” she moaned as she threw her head back. John continued to suck on one nipple, while gently pinching the other one. Marlena arched her back, trying to get closer to him as if it were physically possible. John reached down between her legs and entered her swiftly with two of his fingers. “Man you are so tight,” he whispered into her ear, before he captured it with his tongue. Marlena frantically reached down between their two writhing bodies to undo John’s pants.
“Help me,” she muttered as she tried to undo them. She lost any coherent thought in her head when John added a third finger to his other two and proceeded to pump in and out of her at a frantic pace.
“You’ve got to stop. I’m gonna cum,” she managed to get out as she pulled on his hair.
“That’s the point. Come on Doc. I want to see you lose control. Cum for me,” he begged into her ear. John took her mouth once again and proceeded to tongue fuck her at the same intensity his fingers were. The water in the tub sloshed violently around as John pulled his fingers out of her pussy and pressed his denim clad body against her. He was so hard that wet fabric provided a nice friction for both of them. Marlena cupped his ass with her hands, trying to bring her closer. John’s lips found her neck and he lightly bit her. Marlena moved her lower body back and forth against his. At this rate neither of them were going to last much longer. The water flowed over the side of the tub all over the floor. Marlena leaned her body back as John continued humping her.
“John,” she moaned as she felt her orgasm quickly approaching. “Let it go, baby,” John murmured to her as he captured her nipple in his mouth once again and lightly bit on it. John felt her nails penetrate his back as she gasped at the sensation. In and out his fingers went.
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” she managed to get out, not bothering trying to stop him and his sensual assault on her body.
“This is right,” he said as he captured the sides of her face with his hands. “We are right,” he said as he captured her lips with his.
“Please Marlena, let me pleasure you. Please, I need to do this. I need the taste of you on my lips,” He muttered into her mouth as he continued pleasuring her with his tongue. “Oh God,” she cried out. “You know I can’t say no to you.”
John gently picked Marlena up in his arms and laid her down on the floor next to the sunken tub so that her legs were hanging over the side. John sat back down on his knees in the water and gently ran his fingers up and down her legs. Marlena arched her back as her manicured nails found her nipples. John moaned as he saw her start to pleasure herself.
“Oh Doc,” John moaned as he gently spread her legs with his hands. He gently caressed her thighs with his fingertips. He could smell and see her arousal at his gentle touch.
“Please John,” she begged as she reached for him. John pressed her torso back down on the travertine tile with one hand, while his other hand spread her wide open. “Woman, I don’t think you know what you do to me,” he muttered before capturing her with his mouth. He moved the hand that had been on her stomach underneath her so that he was cupping her ass. He gently squeezed her bottom with one hand, while his mouth pleasured her. Back and forth, up and down her slit he licked. No other man had ever been able to pleasure her like John Black. “I’m gonna cum,” she warned him. His untangled his hand from her buttocks, and unbuttoned himself, freeing his member. He took Marlena’s clitoris in his mouth and sucked hard. “Fuck,” she muttered. “So good,” John replied as he stroked himself faster and faster.
“I’m gonna cum,” she warned him again. He felt her muscles tense up. “JB,” she screamed out as she came. John reached down and pumped three fingers into her almost violently. “MB,” he moaned loudly as he came.
John laid his head against her thighs trying to regain his breathing. Marlena laid still on the floor. After a couple of minutes, John lifted his head to see if she was still conscious. “Doc,” he said as he tried to stand up. He crawled out of the tub and laid down next to her on the floor. He noticed immediately that she was crying. What started out as small tears, quickly developed into full-fledged sobs.
“What’s wrong Marlena.” John asked as he pulled her into his arms. She didn’t resist him.
“Me,” she managed to get out between sobs.
“What,” he asked, not clear where she was going with this.
“I’m so confused. Things in my head aren’t making sense to me. I don’t know what is real or imagined anymore,” she cried out.
“What’s confusing?” he asked as he gently rubbed her bare back.
“Everything. Nothing makes sense to me. I’m having memories of things, if that’s what you call them. I don’t know of they are real or if I’m making them up. They are things that I know cannot have happened but they seem so real to me,” she admitted.
“You called me MB when we were making love. John, it doesn’t make any sense. You’ve never called me that. But when I’m having these very real dreams of us getting married you call me that. In dreams my dreams of you making love to me, you’ve called me that. Why would I make something like that up? What’s wrong with me.” She started sobbing once again. John held her in his arms and rubbed her back quietly, not knowing himself what to say to her that wouldn’t make the situation worse. “Did Stefano take me again? I have to know. Don’t try to protect me.” She demanded as she pulled herself out of his arms and sat up. She reached over to the towel rack and pulled down a towel and covered herself with it.
“Marlena, Stefano has nothing to do with what is happening to you.” John said as he stood up and got a towel for himself.
“Don’t lie to me John,” she warned him. “What’s wrong with me then.”
“Nothing,” he lied as he pulled off his wet shirt and pants, unable to look her in the eyes. How could he explain the mess that was her memory?
“You never were a very good liar,” she said resigned to the fact that once again he would try to lie to her face. She got up from the floor and walked over to the mirror.
“John, please don’t lie to my face. I need to know. There is something very wrong with my memory. Am I sick? Do I have a tumor?”
“Alright, you do have some memory issues, but you’re not sick and don’t have a tumor,” John said matter of factly as if that bit of fact would somehow relieve her.
“What? Some memory issues? What the hell is that supposed to mean. And don’t you fucking tell me to figure it out because I am a psychiatrist. Tell me now. What the hell is wrong with me?” She said as she turned to face him. What was once sadness quickly turned into anger.
“Alright. You have dissociative amnesia.”
“I have what?” she asked.
“Dissociative amnesia,” he repeated, “It’s when..”
“I know what it is,” she interrupted. “How the hell did I get it?”
He didn’t answer her, looking down at the floor.
“Oh my God, that’s why Alex was at the hospital,” she said as she looked at him. “I’m right aren’t I. Amnesia is his specialty. You’ve brought him in to treat me, didn’t you?”
John continued looking at the floor.
“Doc, It’s not like that,” he tried to explain.
“God dammit John. Be truthful for once.”
“Yes,” he said softly. “Dr. North is treating you.”
“You bastard,” she reached up and slapped him hard across the face. “He is the last person I want messing with my head.”
Chapter 13
“You bastard,” she reached up and slapped him hard across the face. “He is the last person I want messing with my head.”
“What the hell is your problem, Marlena” John demanded as he lightly rubbed his face where she had hit him.
“You, you’re my problem. How dare you bring in someone to mess with my head without consulting me first.” She was going to fight him on this issue. “Did it ever occur to you that my being an psychiatrist has some advantages. Namely, I could have recommended who I wanted to treat me.”
“What you just said there makes no sense Doc. When you woke up you had no idea who you were, let alone what you do for a living. How the hell do you think you could rationally made a choice for your treatment plan.” He tried to explain.
“When did this happen?” she asked. John looked at her confused. “What?” he asked. “I said, when did this happen?”
“When did what happen? Dr. North treating you?” He hated when she got like this. She was just too confusing and unstable for him right now. He desperately wanted the old Marlena back.
“Yes.”
“Marlena, he’s been treating you for two months. Don’t you remember?”
Her face paled and she gasped, “Two months?”
“You don’t remember?” he asked gently, noticing the tears forming in her eyes.
“No, the last thing I remember was waking up in the hospital.” What was wrong with her? She was having flashes of events she assumed had occurred but couldn’t be sure. What was a memory and what was fantasy?
“What do you remember before that?” he probed.
“Being in the pond with you,” she admitted.
“Oh, Doc,” John started as he took her in his arms. She looked crushed and he truly felt bad for her. He knew what she was going through right now. The feelings she was having right now were most likely the same feelings that he felt everyone morning when he woke up. The utter desperation of not remembering who you are completely.
“John, you said I had dissociative amnesia. I’d like you to be completely honest with me and tell me how I got it.”
“I can’t” he moaned softly.
“Can’t or won’t,” she said as she pulled herself out of his arms and went into the sitting room. John followed her and sat at the other end of the couch,
“Both,” he admitted. “Look, you’re a psychiatrist, you know that it’s not in your best interest for me to tell you about the past.”
“I know, I need to remember the events in my own time. I’m used to telling people that bullshit and I know on some level that it’s true. But this is my life we are taking about John. I’m not some patient. This is me. I need to know.” She would beg him for the information if she had to.
“I know what you are going through Doc, but I can’t tell you,” he said softly.
“Oh John, I’m so sorry if I sounded insensitive. You probably know better than anyone on this earth does what I’m going through. That’s why you have to help me. Please John, I’m begging you.”
“I love you too much to jeopardize your treatment Marlena.”
“God dammit, what the hell is your problem John,” Marlena turned on him and yelled. “I am not an invalid and I don’t appreciate you treating me like on. I asked you to tell me the truth and I expect you to. I’m not a fucking child that you need to protect. I’m an adult who is quite capable for making decisions for myself. I don’t need you or anyone else assuming that they know what is best for me. Got it,” she said as she poked a finger into his chest. “Now fucking tell me why I have amnesia.”
“Marlena, stop it. You’re being irrational.” John grabbed her hands to stop her from poking him.
She laughed, “Ha, I’m the irrational one. Why wouldn’t I be? You won’t tell me a damn thing about my past other than the fact that Alex is supposedly treating me. Why the fuck wouldn’t I be irrational. Tell me this then, what year is it? Don’t fucking bother lying to me or I’ll call the front desk.”
“Alright, it’s 2005,” he admitted.
“I can’t remember 12 fucking years of my life.” She screamed at him. She was beyond upset. “Twelve years? Who loses 12 years of their lives? What the fuck happened to me that I can’t remember?” She got up from the couch and started pacing back and forth in front of the large picture window that overlooked the ski slopes.
“Marlena, please stop cursing.” He could have sworn that she used more curse words in one day than in their entire time as a couple. He wasn’t sure if he liked this new aspect of her personality. First her beer consumption, now cursing, what was going to be next? Tattoo’s?
“Why, cause it’s unladylike,” she laughed. “Nice try John, but stop trying to change the subject. “I have every right to be upset. I can’t remember 12 years of my life,” she screamed at him.
“Try not remembering more than twenty years, Doc,” John yelled back at her. He knew that he should have been the bigger adult in the relationship, but she knew how to push his buttons like no other person ever had or would. “Look, us yelling at each other isn’t going to solve anything Marlena. I know you’re upset. I do. I know that you want to remember and maybe you will. Screaming at me and acting out isn’t going to make you remember anything.”
“I don’t want to be calm,” she yelled back at him, “I don’t want to be rational. I want my memory back.” She turned to face him. “I just want my memory back,” she said softly as her hand came to a rest on his arm. “I appreciate the fact that you are trying to protect me, John, I really do. You know better than anyone else does what the not knowing does to your mind. You said earlier that Stefano didn’t take me. Was I in an accident?”
“I guess you could say that.” He took her hand in his and led her back to the couch.
“A car accident?” She asked wondering if he was going to make her play twenty questions to get the information that she needed.
“No, look Marlena, I told you before that I wasn’t going to fill in the blanks in your memory. Stop asking me these questions.”
Yelling at him, physically attacking him and threatening him hadn’t worked so far, so Marlena decided to turn on the tears. “You are my best friend John, you know that,” she said as her eyes welled up with tears. “You have been the only person in my life that has ever been completely honest with me. You understand me. You complete me as a person. What I feel for you I have never felt for another and never will. I trust you completely. I trust you like I trust no other.” John started crying at her tender admission. “I know that you would never hurt me. But, I have to know John. Please tell me? Don’t leave me in this state of not knowing. You’re holding almost all the pieces of the puzzle of 12 years of my life. I have nothing but the edge pieces. Don’t you know that if I had the answers to your past that I would tell you? I’d tell you everything because you deserve to know. Please do this for me.” She walked into his open arms, sobbing. Marlena clung to him in desperation. John was crying as well as he rubbed her bare back. “I love you so much Marlena. You’re my life, my everything,” he leaned down as kissed her tenderly on the lips. “Love you so much,” he kissed her again. “Need you like I’ve needed no other” he whispered before he captured his mouth with hers again. “Want you,” he groaned into her mouth. His towel dropped to the floor as did hers. They were interrupted by a knock on the suite door.
John grabbed his towel to cover himself and gave Marlena hers. Once he saw that she had covered herself he opened the door.
Lorna the desk clerk stood on the other side. “Mr. Black, sorry to interrupt you,” she said noticing his bare chest and towel that was wrapped dangerously low around his hips. Lorna always thought that he was an attractive man but had no idea that his physique was so developed. She blushed when John cleared his throat at her ogling him.
“I’m sorry. This is Jennifer,” she said as she introduced the woman standing next to her. “Jennifer is one of our personal shoppers.”
Jennifer stuck her hand, “Like she said, I’m Jennifer. Nice to meet you Mr. Black.” John reached out to shake her hand and lost the grip on his towel.
“Mr. Black, if you have some time, I’ve brought several items that I think you and Mrs. Black will like.” John opened the door to the suite and let both Lorna and Jennifer into the room.
“Finally,” Marlena said as she took one of the bags from Lorna. “I thought I was going to have to walk around in a towel for the rest of the day.”
“I wouldn’t have minded,” John admitted, looking over at her bare back.
“Of course you wouldn’t dear,” Marlena said almost too cheerfully. John was perplexed. Her emotions were all over the place today. He didn’t think that her inability to remember was causing it.
“Mrs. Black, would you like for me to show your clothes?” Jennifer asked. She proceeded to open one of the large bags and pulled out a couple of pairs of underwear and bras. Marlena held up a skimpy pair of black underwear. “A thong John?” she asked as she shook her head. John shrugged his shoulders, knowing that he had been caught.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Black, it was what Mr. Black asked me to get. If you don’t like it I can return it.” Jennifer apologized.
“No, it’ll work. Please tell me that at least it’s the right size. She looked at the label and was pleased to see that it was a size 5. She smiled at the label ‘Delicious on Contract’. “That’s an interesting name brand,” she thought as she pulled off the tag and put the underwear on underneath her towel. She picked up a matching bra and also noticed it was by the same company. It was tasteful looking and amazingly the right size. She half expected John to get her something too small so that she would spill out of it. He may try to act nonchalant about it, but she frequently caught him staring at her chest when he thought she wasn’t looking.
Jennifer handed her a couple of pairs of jeans to choose from. Marlena chose a pair of black velvet ones because of their soft feel. She dropped her towel and stepped into them. They were a perfect fit. She was amazed; it was as if the jeans had been made for her body. “These are wonderful,” she said as she rubbed her hands along the front of the jeans.
John coughed, “Uh, Marlena, honey you may want to put a bra on,” John tilted his head, motioning to the two visitors in the room. John noticed that both young ladies were trying hard not to stare. Hell, he was trying hard not to stare.
“John, when did you turn into a prude?” she asked, making no effort to cover herself. She took the tag off the bra and put it on. He had to admit that she was stunning. Wet curly hair, bare feet, black jeans and a black lace bra.
“Are there any clothes for me?” he asked Lorna.
“Sure Mr. Black,” Lorna said as she reached into the bag and pulled out a stack of clothes. He was pleased to see that they had managed to get him everything that he had asked for. Marlena was busy putting on a pink v-neck T-shirt. She noticed that the pants and shirt were from the same designer: Basic Black.
“This bag contains all the other items you asked for,” Lorna said motioning the bag that she had placed on the sofa table when she entered the suite.
“One exhibitionist is enough for this family. I’m going to change in the bathroom,” John said as he grabbed his clothes and went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
Marlena watched him leave and noticed that both girls were staring after her husband.
“You’re so lucky Mrs. Black,” Lorna said. “Your husband loves you so much.”
“Husband?” Marlena asked.
Lorna looked at her with confusion. She had assumed that they were married as they frequently came to the Biltmore on anniversaries and other special occasions.
“Mr. Black isn’t your husband?”
“Mr. Black is her husband. Thank you ladies,” John said as he walked back into the room. He was wearing black jeans and a white v-neck T-shirt. He took two hundred-dollar bills out of his wallet and handed them to Jennifer and Lorna. They quickly left the room, shutting the door behind them.
“John, are we married?” She asked.
“Yes,” he said smiling. Was she remembering the ceremony?
“We are?” she was beaming. “How long have we been married? Where did we get married? Oh John, I dreamt of us being together for so long. It’s hard for me to grasp the fact that it may have actually happened.” She was so happy.
“We’ve been married for a couple years,” he felt safe in telling her.
“So about my accident, what happened?” She cornered him.
“Marlena, please lets not go through this again. I’m tired of arguing with you.”
Before Marlena could protest they were interrupted by a loud knock on the door.
Marlena went over to answer the door.
“Alex,” she said softly. “What are you doing here?”
“Didn’t John tell you that I’m your doctor,” he said with an evil gleam in his eye.
Edited by Tammy, November 14, 2014, 1:14 pm.
Chapter 14
“Didn’t John tell you that I’m your doctor,” Alex said with an evil gleam in his eye. Marlena turned toward John, “Honey, could you give me a minute alone with Alex?” she asked him.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” He was concerned especially in light of her hitting him when she found out that Alex was her doctor.
“I’m sure. Please, I just need a couple of minutes.” John nodded his head, walked over and kissed Marlena on the cheek and left the room.
Once Marlena saw that John was gone, she turned toward Alex. “You bastard, you shouldn’t be treating me and you know it. How could you?” She wanted to physically hurt him. Bile rose up in her throat at the thought of him poking around the recesses of her mind.
“My dear Marlie, you don’t really have much of a choice here do you? You’re in somewhat of what I call a quandary. You refuse my treatment and I tell your dear husband about his saintly wife’s torrid past, which I am certain he knows nothing about, or…”
“Or what,” she demanded from him, hate in her eyes.
“Or I continue to treat you. It’s your choice.” She wanted to wipe the smirk off of his face.
“That’s no choice at all and you know it. You’re blackmailing me. The only question is why.”
“Why do we do the things that we do? That’s the 10 million dollar psychiatry question.”
“Stop trying to be cute Alex, it’s not working. What the hell do you want with me,” she muttered in a low voice, as to not alert John to what was going on.
“What I’ve always wanted. You. My dear, I want you.” He was deadly serious.
Marlena’s face paled and she closed her eyes, “What happened was in the past, why can’t you leave it there. I have,” she admitted.
“Have you really?” he asked. “Don’t you every lie awake at night and wonder if things could have turned out differently?” After all this time he still wanted her. He eyed her tight pink v-neck t-shirt and black jeans and licked his lips.
“No, what’s in the past is in the past. I don’t want to question the choices I’ve made.” Marlena’s eyes started tearing up at the memories of the events in the past that she tried so hard to forget.
“You never were a good liar Marlie. I can see from your tears that you are still deeply troubled.” He reached over to touch her on the arm.
“And what, you’re going to punish me forever? Let it go Alex, I have.” She recoiled from his touch.
“I can’t,” he admitted, “Some days all I have to get me through the day is my overwhelming hate of you. Other days, it’s my
eternal love for you that get me through.”
“That’s sick Alex. You need help.” She couldn’t believe that after all this time he had not let go of the past.
“Exactly and you are going to be the one to help me.”
“What?” This was beyond sick. After their history they had no business being around each other let alone providing psychiatric services for one another.
“No, I won’t treat you. I can’t. It’s unethical.” She couldn’t do it.
“Unethical, funny for you of all people to use that word. From my time in Salem I got a pretty good idea of who people think you are. Think they’d be shocked to know that they don’t have a damn clue. I bet the equally saintly John Black doesn’t have a clue who you really are. He’ll probably leave you…”
“Stop threatening me Alex. I could tell quite a tale about you too. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget that for certain crimes there isn’t statute of limitations. You fuck with me, you bastard, and don’t think I won’t go to the police tell them everything.” She said with anger in her voice.
“Now that’s my Marlie, glad to see that spunk because you have been really boring me for the last couple of months.”
“Shut the fuck up and leave me alone,” she said as she reached up to slap him. He grabbed her wrist and held onto it tightly before she could connect her hand with his face.
“Marlie, Marlie, Marlie, I told you before that’s not an option unless you’d like for me to fill John in on who you really are. And by the way, cut the sanctimonious attitude out. You know why you lost your memory?” he teased her. “Because you are a true whore at heart.” She struggled to release her wrist from his grasp but was unsuccessful.
“What?” she gasped. He let go of her wrist and she stood up turning away from him in disbelief.
“Mr. Black didn’t tell you that you were fucking your ex-husband Roman Brady?” he said as he noticed the color drain from her face. He loved the fact that he was emotionally hurting her. “Old habits die hard, there’s more though dear Marlie. Apparently, you got pregnant with Roman’s spawn.”
Marlena gasped and sat down on the couch. “What?” she asked again. An image of her making love to Roman flashed in her mind.
“You heard me. Although what you ever saw in him, I have no idea.” This wasn’t fun for him anymore. She was crushed. He wanted his feisty Marlie back that would fight him tooth and nail over everything.
“I was pregnant with Roman’s child?” She brought her hands up to her mouth as the bile rose higher in her throat. She was going to be sick.
“Yes, can you believe the honorable Doctor Marlena Evans, supposed saint of Salem would do such as thing?” he mocked. “Really, dear I thought you had better taste or at least should have been more discreet and used protection. As a doctor you should have known better.” Marlena sat numb on the couch, her mind not being able to grasp the full implication of what he was saying. “Now that we got that out of the way, you will be cooperating with me. You will do what I say when I say it. If you fight me on this, I’ll tell dear old John everything and I mean everything. Do you understand me?”
“Yes,” she said numbly, tears streaming down her face. She couldn’t believe that she had an affair with Roman and was pregnant with his child.
“Remember, you need me Marlie. Only I can keep you safe.” He pulled a small pocket watch out of his pocket and dangled it back and forth in front of her face. “Do you understand me?” he asked.
“Yes, only you can keep me safe,” she repeated in a trance.
“What the hell is going on?” John asked as he walked into the room and saw Alex with the watch.
Chapter 15
“What the hell is going on North? Get back away from my wife,” John demanded as he sat down next to Marlena. She was eerily silent. “Doc, Doc,” John said as he patted her clammy hands. Marlena jerked her head up and stared into his blue eyes. John saw the signs that she has been crying; blood shot eyes, puffy cheeks and a runny nose.
“Doc, are you all right?” he asked as he continued to stroke her hands with his fingers.
“What?” she asked, suddenly jerking. “Oh, I’m fine.” she said matter of factly.
“Is Alex bothering you? Do you want me to make him leave?” John was clearly concerned. She had all the signs of being emotionally upset yet was adamant that nothing was wrong.
“No, I need him to stay. He’s helping me.” Marlena said. She sounded almost robotic to him. He wondered if she had taken some medication and that was the reason for her weird mood swings.
“What? Are you sure about this? A couple of hours ago you told me that you didn’t want him to be your doctor.”
“I changed my mind. He’s a very good doctor and I’m sure that he can help me.”
“Doctor North, could I have a few minutes alone with my wife?” John asked looking up at Alex.
“Sure, Mr. Black. I need to finish checking into the hotel and I’ll be back in an hour to begin her session. That is if its okay with you,” Alex said trying to cater to John. Now that Marlena was back under his control all he had to worry about was John standing in the way of truly getting what he wanted.
John looked over at Marlena for reassurance that this was what she wanted. “Marlena, honey, is that okay with you?” he asked.
“Yes, I need Alex’s help,” she said in a monotone voice.
“Great then, I’ll see you in an hour, “ Alex said as he walked to the door and let himself out. This was going to go easier than he has anticipated.
Once he saw that Alex had closed the door behind him, John turned his attention to Marlena. “Honey, what’s wrong,” he asked as he gently ran his fingers along her jawbone.
“Nothing,” she said.
“Marlena, I was serious about what I said earlier. If you don’t want Dr. North treating you, you need to let me know now. I can get the best doctor money can buy. We can find someone else that you may be more comfortable with.”
“Alex is fine. I trust him.” She sat motionless on the couch, staring off into the distance.
“Doc, what’s wrong with you,” John asked as he turned her head gently towards him. “You can tell me anything, you know that,” he leaned in to kiss her as a single teardrop fell down her cheek. “What’s wrong baby,” he said softly as he continued stroking her face gently.
“I just don’t want to disappoint you,” she whispered as the tears started flowing.
“Honey, you’ll never disappoint me,” he said as he gathered her in his arms.
“How can you stand to be around me, let alone touch me knowing that I supposedly slept with Roman.” She turned away from him on the couch, unable to look at him.
“Oh Doc, did he tell you that?” John grabbed her waist from behind and pulled her closer to him. “You listen to me, nothing you could ever do could make me love you any less. And I mean nothing. I love every part of you, flaws and all.”
“If only you knew what I’ve done,” Marlena thought to herself. Suddenly overcome with memories of her past she broke down in his arms.
“Doc, let it all it. You always told me that it was healthy to let things out and that not showing your emotions would take an emotional toll on the body.” John rocked her back and forth on the couch. “Let me be the strong one now. You’ve always been my rock, let me be yours. Tell me what’s bothering you. Did you remember the past?”
Marlena continued to cry. “I can’t tell you,” she sobbed. “I can’t tell anyone. No one would understand. Everyone will be disappointed in me. They’ll all hate me.” Confused as to what she was talking about, John held her in his arms as she continued to cry.
“No one will hate you Marlena.”
“But they would,” she said as she stood up and walked to the window. “Do you know how much I hate knowing who I was and not knowing who I am. The last twelve years, was I happy? Did I have more children? I know you said that I married you, but were we happy? Doesn’t seem like we could have been if I was off sleeping with Roman. Were you happy? How about Sami, Eric and Carrie, oh and Brady. Last I remember they were a lot younger. It makes me sick to my stomach that I can’t for the life of me recall what life has brought them.” He was glad to see that she had stopped crying for the time being.
“Doc, in due time you’ll remember,” John said as he watched her from the couch, wanting to give her some physical space.
“But what if I don’t. You don’t remember your past, what makes you think I will?”
“Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Regardless, I’ll always love you and be here for you.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep John,” she warned him. The look in her eyes had him concerned. From the way she was talking she was concerned about something from her past coming out that would change everything. John wasn’t concerned though, for he knew all about her past and nothing she could say would surprise him.
“Doc, honey, you may not remember the last twelve years, but I do. I lived through them with you. There is nothing to be scared of.”
“You said earlier that we had been married for a couple of years, who was I involved with before? Roman?” If he confirmed that it was Roman she was going to be sick.
“Well no. I don’t want to tell you any more so as not to interrupt your treatment.”
“This isn’t about my treatment. This is about me. Do you know how much it pisses me off that you hold all the fucking clues to my life. You have all the control. Don’t talk to me about treatment.” Marlena turned and looked at him. “Fine, I see how you are going to be.” She was emotionally shutting down again.
A loud know on the door disrupted the quietness of the room. John got up to answer the door, already knowing who would be on the other side.
“Couldn’t stay away, could you?” John asked.
Dr. North entered the room but did not respond. He saw Marlena standing in front of the window and knew that she was not okay. She was an emotional wreck.
John walked over to Marlena. “Let me leave you alone for your session. I’ll be in the next room if anything comes up,” John said as he kissed Marlena lightly on the lips. She grabbed onto his arm, “Don’t leave me,” she begged him.
“Marlena, I don’t think that this is such a good idea,” Alex stated. He needed to get John out of the room for his plan to work.
“I need John. I won’t do it unless he’s here,” Marlena said empathetically, looking directly at Alex.
Chapter 16
“I need John. I won’t do it unless he is here,” Marlena said empathetically, looking directly at Alex.
“Okay fine, Marlena, I’m going to give you an injection of amobarbital, it’s an..” Alex started.
“I know what it is, remember I’m a doctor.” Marlena interrupted.
“Then you know the benefits and risks?” he asked. “I’m worried about you having another panic attack in a session and want to keep you as calm as possible.” In the past two months of treating her he found that she was having more and more panic attacks that had him concerned.
“Fine,” she said as she offered him up a vein. She just wanted to remember, not caring how it came about. He quickly injected the liquid into her arm and watched as she seemed to become a lot more relaxed.
John sat on the couch, holding Marlena in his arms, his chest against her back, as the drug started to take effect. He slowly stroked her hair, wishing to god that it was him in her position. He would give anything to spare her the pain.
“Marlena, are you ready?” Dr. North asked.
“Yes, as ready as I’ll ever be.” She really wasn’t ready, but recognized that she may never be.
“Great. Okay then, for this session I want to talk to you about something that made you happy. Can you tell me about something in your past that brought you a lot of joy.”
“Sure, giving birth to Belle,” she said. John smiled as he remembered the details of his daughter’s birth – delivering her and then saving her life when she stopped breathing. He had never been more proud of Marlena than at that moment when she brought life into the world. “Wait, you remember that?” John asked.
“Mr. Black, if you are going to be here during therapy you will have to sit by quietly and not ask questions.” Alex reminded him. He wished that Marlena had not insisted that he be there.
“Sorry,” John mumbled as he continued to stroke her hair.
“Marlena, are you having memories of giving birth to Belle?” Alex asked he looked over at Marlena. She shook her head indicating yes.
“What can you tell me about the experience?” Alex asked.
“I was so glad that John was there for me. He was amazing. I didn’t intend to give birth at the cabin, I thought I could hold out. But the pain was so intense and I knew the baby was coming. I couldn’t have done it without him.” Suddenly Marlena gasped and started crying.
“What’s wrong Doc?” John asked as he gently stroked her hair.
“I lost my baby. I lost my baby,” she sobbed. Suddenly she started rocking back and forth on the couch; eyes squeezed shut as she was gripped in the midst of a memory.
“It’s okay Doc, I’m here,” John whispered into her ear as he held her tightly in his arms.
“Not it’s not. How can you say that?” she asked physcially unable to open her eyes.
“Because I love you,” he said softly.
“Sometimes love is not enough,” Marlena responded in between sobs.
“Don’t say that Marlena.”
“Why, it’s true.” She continued to rock back and forth. Alex sat calmly watching the Blacks attempt to face their demons.
“Marlena, do you know why you slept with Roman Brady?” Alex asked, trying to get control back over her therapy session. The effects of the drug seemed to have worn off.
“Yes,” she replied as she rocked.
“Look, I don’t want to talk about Roman Brady,” John said. “It’s in the past, leave it there.”
“I’m sorry Mr. Black, but this isn’t a couples therapy session I’m running. I’m trying to get to the cause of Marlena’s amnesia and if that causes you discomfort, so be it. We need to discuss this Mr. Black. Marlena, back to the original question, why did you sleep with Roman Brady?”
“Because you didn’t love me anymore,” she said quietly to John.
“What?” John asked.
She jerked out of his embrace and stood up, pointing her finger at him as she replied, “You didn’t love me anymore. This connection you say we have between us that is supposed to be soooo strong and would carry us through anything was a fucking lie.” “How was it a lie?” Alex asked, silently amused by her reaction.
“He brought that woman into my house. My house! How could you?” she screamed at John, tears streaming down her face.
“I thought you were dead Marlena,” John tried to explain.
“See there it is again. If we had a connection so strong you should have known I was alive or least gone looking for me, but did you? No, you brought that woman into my house, my house, John. And you fucked her in my bed over and over again. My bed, John! How could you?” Marlena sunk to her knees on the floor overcome with an overwhelming sense of loss of what she and John once were. No matter what the future held for them, they would never have that special connection again. Although Marlena didn’t have the memories to know why that connection was lost, she felt it. John had never seen her look so hurt before.
“If you loved me as much as you say you do you never would have taken up with that woman in my house, in my bed.”
“It wasn’t like that Marlena,” John said trying to calm her down. Alex sat with a smirk on his face, knowing that if he sat by quietly long enough and let this confrontation play out, John and Marlena would destroy their own relationship without him having to do a damn thing.
“Then tell me how it is? Lie to me and tell me what I saw on video wasn’t real. Tell me that you were acting and your declaration of love to Kate wasn’t real. Can you do it John? Can you lie to my face and make it all better for me? Can you?” she screamed at him.
“It wasn’t like that Marlena,” John said quietly, head in his hands.
“That’s what you said before.”
“If you’d stop interrupting me, I’ll tell you how it is,” he raised his voice, looking down at her on the floor.
“I don’t care John, don’t you get it? I don’t fucking care anymore.” She started crying again.
“No I don’t get it Marlena.”
“I can’t deal with his now. I don’t want to know. You’re suffocating me. I need to get out of here” Marlena got up off of the floor and went to the door.
“Marlena, we need to talk this through, please don’t walk out on me. We need to resolve this issue. Please don’t leave,” John begged.
“No, I can’t deal with this now. Please leave me alone and go back to Kate. It’s her you want anyway. Poor John, he’s only with Marlena because she came back from the dead. Do you know how that makes me feel knowing that it’s not me who you really want? I’m just your obligation. Nothing more. Please let me go. You made your bed, as I did mine, now we’re going to both have to lie in it,” Marlena said sadly it as she opened the door and left.
Alex got up out of his chair to follow Marlena, but John stopped him.
“North, she’s my wife, I’ll handle this.” John said as he left the room.
Chapter 17
John found Marlena standing outside on a secluded patio at the back of the hotel. The sun was setting, which made it difficult for John to spot her. She stood with her back to him. A light wind was in the air as snow flurries fell around them,
“Marlena, come inside. It’s freezing out here,” John said as he wrapped his arms around her. Neither of them had a jacket on, or socks and shoes for that matter. She shook her head. “No, please leave me alone John. I can’t deal with all of this right now.” She started to shiver.
“We need to discuss this Marlena if we are ever going to move past it. What if this one issue is what’s behind your memory loss.”
She shook her head no again and pulled out of his grasp. “You know that I can’t think when you are touching me.” John smiled at her comment.
“Please hear me out Marlena and then if you want to be alone, I’ll leave you alone.”
“Fine.” she crossed her arms over her chest and rubbed them furiously with her fingers, trying to keep warm.
“I thought you were dead Doc,” John started. “Do you know what that did to me inside? Do you know how that made me feel knowing that I would never see you again? Never hold you in my arms? Never kiss you again? Never make love to you again? Do you have any idea how much your loss destroyed me?” A single tear made its way down John’s cheek. He quickly bushed it away, but not before Marlena saw it.
“On some level I understand that John, I really do, but I wasn’t dead. You moved on in a matter of months. You didn’t play the grieving widow for long before you found someone else to keep you company in my bed. I’d buy your line about what my loss meant to you if you hadn’t moved on so quickly. We have twenty years of history together John. Twenty years. That alone should have made you wait at least a year,” Marlena cried out in anger at him for moving on so quickly.
“What about you Marlena, you moved on rather quickly and took up with your husband. Hell I’d have been happier if you’d slept with Jack or Victor or even Tony. But no, you knew that my knowing that you had been intimate with Roman would hurt me the most, didn’t you?” John turned on her, his true feelings that he tried to keep inside for the sake of her therapy finally coming out.
“That’s absurd for you to think that in my grief I would make such a calculated move. I thought you knew me better, I thought I knew you better,” Marlena said, disappointment in her voice. “You broke my heart John. I had given up on all hope of ever seeing you in person, forced to watch you daily making love to my friend in my bed. Do you have any fucking clue how that felt? Night after night knowing and seeing how you moved on without me.”
“Yeah I do, but I can tell you that finding out that you slept with Roman and was pregnant with his child was a lot worse.” Marlena reached up and slapped him hard across his face. “You bastard. Why don’t you just come out and call a spade a spade John? Are we are back to the one issue that you cannot seem to let go of. Fine, I slept with Roman and got pregnant. I’m sorry that I’m fucking human. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be your perfect little wife. I’m sorry that I’m not perfect like everyone seems to think I am. Roman saved my life, don’t you fucking get it.”
“Saved it,” John laughed, “He destroyed it. He single-handedly destroyed our marriage.”
“No John, you’re wrong. We both destroyed this marriage. While you were out playing Penthouse Fantasies with my friend in my bed, Roman was there for me. If it weren’t for that one night, got it John, one night, I may not be here today. Do you have any fucking clue how close I was to killing myself? Do you have any fucking clue?” Marlena started sobbing again at the memory of her desperation that night.
“Don’t say that Marlena,” John said as he tried to pull her into his embrace.
“Why, because you don’t think that its true?” Marlena said looking him directly in the eye, their faces mere inches from each other. The condensation from her breath clouded the air around them.
“You’re the strongest person I know,” John said as he reached out and stroked her face.
“So what? Strong people commit suicide every day. I’m a doctor, I know how to successfully commit suicide.” She frantically rubbed
her arms and looked down at her bare toes that were beginning to lose sensation.
“But you never would?” Marlena wasn’t sure if he was asking a question or making a statement.
“My god, what kind of monster did I become in the last twelve years? I’m fucking human, not some robot. I hurt like everyone else. Why does it seem so implausible for me to do something that’s human?” She turned on him in anger.
“But you’d never try to take your life.”
“Earth to John. I’ve tried before and I seriously contemplated it when I was prisoner in the castle.” Marlena hadn’t intended to let that bit of information out but was tired of people putting her on a pedestal and seeing her as less than human. What kind of life had she led, what kind of image had she been projecting of herself for the last twelve years?
“You’ve tried to commit suicide before?” John was stunned. He expected it of a lesser woman but not Marlena.
“John, I’m fallible. Maybe that’s the problem. You view me as some infallible person, incapable of making a mistake. ‘Marlena couldn’t have slept with Roman, someone must have made her’. Is that so hard to believe? Yes, John, even someone like me.
That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?” John was moved by the amount of pain evident in her face.
“But why?” John said softly. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and take away her pain.
“Because at one time in my life I was at the point where I had absolutely nothing left to live for,” she said quietly, looking up at the sky. She closed her eyes as the snow flurries gently dropped and melted on her face.
The magnitude of what she had been saying finally hit him. He understood for the first time the depth of her despair and what he meant to her.
“Marlena, look at me,” John said as he cupped her chin in his hand. She looked into his blue eyes. John noticed immediately that her eyes were dull, almost void of life. The spark was gone. “My god, did I do that to her?” John asked himself. “Marlena Black, I am so sorry if my actions, my moving on with Kate ever made you feel that way. If I could take it back, I would in a second. Don’t you know how much I love you and what you mean to me? You are my life, my reason for existing, and my reason for getting up in the morning. I’m sorry that I caused you pain. I’m sorry that you were forced to watch me being intimate with another woman. Most of all I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to my inner voice that was telling me all along that you were alive. In my grief and despair, I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from drugs. I was in pain and didn’t want to feel anything. That one mistake has caused you so much pain and I am truly sorry for that. I broke your heart. Do you know how low that makes me feel? Knowing that you were relying on me to come and rescue you from the hell you were living and I wasn’t there?” John cried out. “I’m so sorry Marlena. Can you ever forgive me?” He reached out to touch her. “You complete me as a person. Without you in my life I am nothing. Tell me what I need to do to earn your forgiveness and your trust and I’ll do it. Please.” The salt in John’s tears quickly melted the snow that had started falling.
“Don’t you see John, you’ve always had it.” Marlena said as she pulled John’s head to her chest, holding him as he openly sobbed.
Edited by Ali, November 9, 2014, 1:49 am.
Chapter 18
Marlena held John in her arms as he sobbed. “John, it’ll be okay,” Marlena whispered as she stroked his head.
“How you can say that,” he said in between sobs. “How will things ever be the way they were meant to be I’ve betrayed you in the worst possible way.”
“Whose to say that this memory loss of mine wasn’t in the cards?” Marlena continued lightly stroking his hair, staring off into the distance.
“Don’t say that Marlena, the fates aren’t that cruel.” He looked up at her and noticed the vacant look in her eyes. “Doc, I am truly sorry. Do you really forgive me?”
“Of course, John,” she said suddenly looking him in the eyes. The spark seemed to have returned. John lightly touched her cheeks with his fingers. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?” he asked. She shook her head yes. “I don’t think you really have any comprehension. Take how much you think I love you and magnify it a thousand times and you still won’t come close.” He pulled her into a hug. “God, I love you woman.” He continued to hold her as the snow fell around them.
“I’m sorry for not remembering.” Marlena said as she pulled out of his hug and started rubbing her arms.
“That was out of your control Marlena.” John said as he reached over and helped her rub her arms. He was freezing, having lost sensation in his feet a long time ago.
“Maybe so, but it can’t be easy for you wanting me to remember being your wife. I’m sorry that I don’t have any recollection of that. For so long all I ever wanted was for you to love me and to be your wife and now that I am I can’t remember it. I’ve been trying so hard to remember, but I can’t.”
“In due time, you’ll remember Doc.”
“But what if I don’t? Will you be content with things remaining this way?” Marlena’s teeth started chattering.
“No, but if that’s the only way I can have you in my life, then it will have to be enough.” John pulled her into a hug to keep her warm.
“John, I’m freezing. Can we go inside?” Marlena finally asked.
John laughed, “I thought you’d never ask.”
“You’re cold too?”
He shook his head yes.
“Then why didn’t you say something?”
“I would have stayed out here all night freezing to death for you Marlena.”
“That’s so sweet. Dumb, but sweet.” She intertwined her fingers with his and together they walked toward the hotel. Alex North stood by quietly watching them from the inside of the hotel.
“Lets get you a nice hot bath and some hot buttered rum to warm you up.” John led the way into the hotel lobby.
“Your arms will be enough,” Marlena said in a low voice that only John could hear.
“That could be arranged,” John said as he picked up Marlena and ran with her to the elevator.
Once inside the suite, John dropped Marlena on top of the canopied king sized bed. He walked over to the gas fireplace and turned it on. Instantly the room started heating up.
“Oh that’s nice.” Marlena said as she rolled over onto her stomach and propped her head up on her hands. She closed her eyes, basking in the warmth of the flames.
“I don’t think so Doc,” John said. “Open those eyes.” He picked up a pillow and threw it at her.
“Hey now, violence isn’t called for Mr. Black,” Marlena said with a sly grin on her face. She had yet to open her eyes, but sensed that he was staring at her.
“And neither is being a tease.” John slowly crawled on the bed and over to Marlena. Once he was lying on top of her, his chest to her back, he slowly lowered the weight of his body onto his.
“Hey, you’re smashing me,” Marlena said as she started to laugh.
“Oh yeah, you think this is funny.” John said as he started tickling her.
“John Black you are not playing fair.” Marlena squirmed under him trying to escape the relentless pursuit of his fingers.
“And what do you plan to do about it Marlena Black. Seems to me that the position you are in doesn’t lend well to making demands.”
“Payback is a bitch. Remember that when you close your eyes tonight,” Marlena said with fire in her hazel eyes.
“Do you know how special you are?” John asked as he brushed a few errant strands of blonde hair behind her ear.
“No, but please feel free to tell me,” Marlena said, glad that he had stopped tickling her.
“You are the most incredible woman I have ever met.” He whispered into her ear and moved his body off of her. He pulled her next to him so that he was spooning her back.
“Go on,” Marlena said as she closed her eyes and snuggled her backside closer to John.
“You are sexy as hell.” John wrapped one arm around her waist.
“Go on.”
“Beautiful beyond words, inside and out.” He slid his hand under her T-shirt and gently stroked her stomach.
“Go on,” Marlena said laughing as the movement of his fingers was unintentionally tickling her.
“Brilliant, compassionate, and fascinating.”
“And?”
“You are a wonderful mother and friend”
“Go on”
“Sympathetic and honest, your integrity is beyond reproach.”
“Go on.”
John laughed, “You’re enjoying this aren’t you? Marlena, I could go on all night about your attributes.”
“Then please do.”
“Okay, lets see. I think your legs are divine. I could honestly spend my life watching you walk. And then there’s your ass.
Ummmmm. When you walk, the way your ass moves, man oh man. I’m a goner.” John slid one hand between their bodies and cupped her butt as he was talking.
Marlena laughed, “John Black, I can’t believe that you are talking about my butt.”
“Why not? Look at it. If my ass looked this good, you’d think the same thing.” He squeezed her butt.
“Your ass does look great John, it always has. You take such good care of yourself, with your exercise routine. When you wear those tight bicycle shorts I have to restrain myself.” Marlena had yet to open her eyes.
John laughed at her honest admission. He never knew that his physical presence had such an effect on her. He’d have to find those shorts that she was talking about and wear them. Soon.
“And then there’s your breasts,” John started, noticing Marlena gasp that he said it. “They are perfect in every way. I want nothing more than to bury my head between them and become lost. I just always want to look at them, touch them, suck them.”
“That’s perfectly normal,” Marlena laughed. She always knew that John loved her breasts.
“And then there’s this,” John said as he cupped her roughly between her legs. “I can’t get enough of this.” He roughly stoked her and unbuttoned her pants, sliding his hands between the fabric of her underwear and her skin.
Marlena moaned and moved her body closer to him and his roaming hands. “I can’t help it. I’m a hot-blooded male who has a gorgeous wife. I can’t be blamed for wanting to fuck you every moment of the day.”
“Shut up John and kiss me,” Marlena said as she rolled over so that she was facing him. John took her lips roughly with his mouth. He was lost in her essence. Clothing was quickly removed as two bodies joined as one.
Chapter 19
Marlena ran through the dense forest as fast as her legs would carry her. Her pale pink sleeveless nightgown billowed behind her as she ran. Her feet hurt like hell from not wearing shoes but she was too frightened to stop running. She tripped on one of the many logs that were scattered amongst the forest floor. She fell to the ground, her knee hurting from where an errant rock cut into her skin. Her hands were filthy from trying to break her fall on the mud and leaves around her. She didn’t have time to inspect her scrapes and cuts.
“Marlena,” a man yelled.
Marlena looked around from where the voice was coming from and realized that he was still a quarter mile away. She had to reach the main road before sunlight. As she was getting up she glanced up at the position of the moon and guessed that she had a couple of hours until dawn. “Goddammit,” she muttered under her breath trying to be as quiet as possible. She felt liquid running down her leg; she assumed from the gash in her knee. With every step she took she felt a throb in her left leg. The forest was eerily silent and the abject darkness did nothing to calm her fears.
“Marlena, come back here you bitch,” the man yelled, this time a little louder and more harsh. Marlena knew that he’d lost his temper. She hadn’t meant to provoke him earlier but really had no choice. She knew what the punishment would be when he caught up with her, the same as it always was. Tonight she felt bold. Tonight might be the night that her nightmare could finally end and she could find some peace.
“Marlena, I know that you’re out here and when I catch you there will be hell to pay.”
Marlena continued to run, looking behind her, hoping to god that he couldn’t see her.
“Marlena, I’m losing my patience with you,” he screamed. She instinctively knew that he was closing in on her. She continued to run for her life.
“You get back here now or Samantha’s going to be punished,” he yelled. She knew that he was now only a couple hundred yards behind her. She looked behind and saw a glimpse of his bare chest in the moonlight. She picked up her pace and yelled, “No, leave her alone,” as she continued to run.
“You little bitch,” he screamed at her.
“Leave me alone,” she yelled at him as she continued to run.
“Never,” he yelled back. “You belong to me.”
“Please,” she yelled as she ran. “Please, leave me alone.” She knew that he was quickly gaining ground on her, his legs being much longer than hers. It was only a matter of minutes before he caught her.
“Stop now you little bitch or you’re going to get it bad,” he yelled as he reached out to grab her nightgown. She could feel him breathing behind her, and lunged forward at the last minute. In her attempt to flee she tripped down a steep embankment headfirst. She felt cold water around her. She couldn’t see where she was. The forest canopy was thick, blocking out what little moonlight there was. She flailed around in the water trying to get her bearings. When she couldn’t touch the bottom she began to panic. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him slowly make his way down to the embankment to where she was.
“Please let me go. I won’t tell anyone,” she pleaded with him.
He was now ten feet from her and entering the water. She started moving herself backwards in the water, not knowing where she was or where the other side was.
“No, Marlena. You belong to me and I’m never going to let you go.” He started swimming towards her. She turned over and started swimming as fast as she could away from him. She felt him grab onto her long blond hair and pull her towards him. She continued fighting him as he grabbed her neck from behind and pulled her under the water. She struggled to come up to the surface but he prevented her from doing so. She kicked hard and connected with what she assumed was his shin. He lost his grip on her and she made her way to the surface grasping for air.
He pulled her body close to his, restraining her arms. She felt his legs kicking in the water to keep them buoyant.
“Marlena, Marlena, Marlena,” he whispered into her ear as he held her tight. “Don’t you know by now that any attempt to escape is futile.”
“Please let me go.” She wasn’t going to beg him, not this time.
“Never. You belong to me and always will.” She felt his hot breath on his neck and felt his arousal poking into her backside.
“We’re going to go back to the house and you are going to apologize to my guest for your rude behavior.” He ground his erection into her buttocks.
“He was an ass. I won’t apologize.” She shook her head and tried to escape from his clutches.
He grabbed her face and squeezed her chin, “You will or I’ll drown you right here in this lake.” She knew that he was capable of doing it, but just didn’t know if she cared. Maybe death would be an easier way out.
“Do you understand me,” he said as he spun her body around to face him. She fought to escape his grasp, but failed. He started swimming with her in his arms toward the shore.
“Stop fighting, it’s no use,” he threatened her. “Take off your nightgown,” he demanded once they reached the shore.
“No,” she said as she attempted to cover herself in the see-through fabric. She was dripping wet and shivering. He reached for her and she backed up.
“Take it off now,” he screamed at her and slapped her across the face. Her cheek stung from the impact. She was determined that she wouldn’t cry.
“No, I’m cold,” she said looking him in the eye.
“I said take it off. You either take it off willingly or I will.” He reached and grabbed the fabric of the nightgown and lifted it over her head. She stood silently waiting for him to make the next move.
“You are a beauty,” he said as he reached over and touched her breasts. Marlena closed her eyes, hoping that the moment wouldn’t last long.
He continued to stroke her, “Someday you are going to make a man a mighty fine wife, yes sir, you will.” He bent down and took her right nipple into his mouth and proceeded to suck on it.
“Aren’t you going to tell me to stop Marlena. I love it when you beg,” he said as he pulled her body towards his. She realized that he wasn’t wearing pants.
She closed her eyes tightly. “This too shall pass,” she thought to herself and she felt herself being lowered to the forest floor. She felt the roughness of the leaves against her back. She recited the periodic table of the elements in her head as she tried to ignore what was happening to her body. Suddenly he flipped her over. Dirt and leaves invaded her mouth and nose as he held her head tightly face first into the forest floor. She felt what she assumed were spiders and ants crawling on her. She tightly closed her eyes willing herself into another time and place where she was loved. He grabbed her with his other hand and lifted her hips toward him.
“No,” Marlena screamed louder than she had ever screamed in her life. The pain was unbearable. She grabbed her chest trying desperately to get more air into her lungs. Tears streamed down her face.
“Marlena,” John shook her. “Wake up, Doc. It’s just a bad dream you seem to be having.”
“No,” Marlena continued to scream.
John sat up in bed and pulled her body into a tight bear hug trying to get her to wake up. “It’s just a dream Doc,” John whispered into her hair, as he rocked her back and forth.
“Please don’t touch me,” she begged him. Her body was physically shaking.
“Doc, it’s me,” he said as he smoothed her sweaty hair away from her face.
“John?” she whispered suddenly becoming aware that she was lying in a bed, not a forest. She looked around the room for reassurance of her surrounding and then tightly closed her eyes.
“Doc, care to tell me about your dream?” John asked as he rubbed her bare back.
“I don’t remember,” Marlena lied. She cringed at the fact that he was touching her. John luckily took her response as a residual terror from her dream.
“It seemed pretty terrifying. You were yelling at someone to please let you go. Right before you screamed you were listing things like hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, and boron. I don’t remember all of what you said, just that the list went on an on. Are you sure you don’t remember?” he asked as he tilted her face towards him. He noticed that her eyes were tightly closed.
“I’m sure,” she said. “I need something to drink.” She pulled out of his embrace and got out of the bed and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Marlena approached the counter and looked at her reflection in the mirror.
“Marlie, you’ve got to keep it together,” she said to herself as she turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on her face. She couldn’t believe that she had a dream about HIM after so many years. She had thought that he was safety tucked into the recesses of her mind where he could no longer hurt her. She sat down at the vanity and looked at herself.
John approached the bathroom after Marlena had been in there for more than ten minutes. “Marlena,” John said quietly knocking on the door. When she didn’t answer he slowly opened the door, unsure as to what he would find. She was sitting at the vanity, staring at her reflection in the mirror. “Doc,” John said as he touched her shoulder. She looked up at him in the mirror, a vacant look in her eyes. “Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked as he gently touched her bare shoulders. She visibly flinched at the contact.
“Please, don’t touch me,” she whispered.
“Doc, you’re scaring me,” John said as he gently touched her hair. She saw that he was going to touch her in the mirror and moved her head before he could.
“Okay, I promise I won’t touch you. Please tell me what’s wrong,” his blue eyes pleaded with hazel ones in the mirror.
“Nothing’s wrong John. I’m fine, just a little thirsty.” She weakly smiled at him.
“You never were a good liar, Doc,” John said as he smiled back at her in the mirror.
“I said I’m fine,” she said assertively. He looked down and saw that her hands were shaking. “John, could we leave here now.”
“Sure, where would you like to go?” he asked. She looked so sad in the mirror.
“I’d like to go back to Salem. I need to see Roman,” Marlena admitted before she burst into tears, no longer able to keep the demons of her past inside.
Chapter 20
The hotel room was eerily quiet as John gathered some clothes for Marlena to wear. He quickly dressed himself before her went to her. He had previously tried to engage her in a conversation, but his repeated attempts had been futile. She sat on the stool in front of the vanity staring at herself in the mirror. She’d made it clear that she didn’t want to be touched or to talk. John wondered what in the hell she had to talk to Roman about that she couldn’t share with him. He was jealous as hell that she didn’t trust him enough to share what the hell her nightmare was about.
“Doc, we need to get you into some clothes,” John said as he approached her from behind. “Can you put these on or do you want me to help?” Marlena didn’t respond. John quickly ran his hand in front of her face. He received no response. “Doc,” he said as he slowly touched her shoulders. She didn’t move. “Come on Doc,” John said as he shook her shoulders a little hoping that she would snap out of the state she was in. No response. John turned her around on the stool and bent down to pick her up and carried her into the living room. He was ten feet from the bed when someone knocked on the hotel room door.
John could hear a keycard being inserted into the lock, followed by the door being opened. He turned around to see who had entered the room and saw it was Dr. North.
“What the hell are you doing here North?” John asked as he turned his back to Dr. North and proceeded to place Marlena gently on the bed. “Why the hell do you have a key to my hotel room?” He asked in anger.
“Marlena gave it to me,” Alex said matter of factly as he caught of glimpse of Marlena’s bare breasts. After all these years she still had the same amazing body.
“Do you normally enter places where you’re not invited?” John asked as he pulled a blanket over Marlena. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Alex not even trying to hide the fact that he liked what he saw. Bastard. “Don’t let me catch you looking at my wife like that ever again,” John warned him.
Alex laughed, “Mr. Black, she’s my patient. I was concerned about her. Something is obviously not right. You’re wasting time. Look at her. Let me make sure that she’s okay.”
John looked at his watch. “At five o’clock in the morning?” he asked in disbelief.
“I had a feeling that someone was wrong.”
“How the hell could you know that?”
“Call it doctor patient intuition. Remember Marlena and I go way back. I can sense when things aren’t right with her,” Alex bragged. He looked over to where Marlena was laying on the bed and saw that there was no apparent change in her condition. He wondered how long John Black was going to let her lay there before he sought medical treatment.
John wanted to hit him. “I don’t buy your shit for a minute. You may have my wife fooled, but not me. I can see your intentions from a mile away. You want my wife and will do whatever it takes to get her. Am I right?” John stared at him.
Alex smirked, “Mr. Black, what has made you such a paranoid man. Always thinking someone or something is out to get you. What a sad little life you must lead.”
“Are you denying that you have less than honorable intentions towards my wife?” John asked.
“I refuse to engage in such a pointless conversation with you,” Alex admitted as he slowly walked toward Marlena who was lying on the bed, eyes open, staring at something neither of them could see. “Look, something’s wrong with my patient and I’d like to check her out.”
“I’m sure you would,” John laughed, “but you’re not going anywhere near her.”
“Black, I need to talk to her,” Alex said as he made his way towards Marlena. John blocked his path and put up his hands to block him from getting anywhere near Marlena.
“You have done enough. Stay away from her,” John warned Alex.
“I’m helping her,” Alex said as he slowly approached John.
“Helping her?” John laughed. “My god, she’s in this mess because of you.”
Alex reached out and touched Marlena softly on the arm.
“No,” she cried out, “Don’t let him hurt me.”
“Get away from her,” John yelled as he physically removed Alex’s hand from Marlena’s arm. John looked down at Marlena on the bed. She’d started to cry. He reached down to touch her face when she flinched at the contact. “Please don’t hurt me,” she begged him, as she looked him in the eyes.
John was devastated; “I’d never hurt you Marlena. I love you.”
“Let me see her,” Alex said as he went around to the other side on the bed and slowly lowered his weight.
“I said get away from her,” John yelled at Alex, watching as Alex slowly approached Marlena’s trembling body. Alex continued to make his way to Marlena, when John bent over Marlena to push Alex back. He didn’t realize he had come into contact with her body until he heard her begging for him to get off of her.
“Please, please, please,” she begged, he eyes shut tightly. “Please don’t do that to me.” John quickly broke the contact, heartbroken at the anguish in her voice.
“Marlena, I’m not going to hurt you.” He instinctively reached out to stroke the side of her face when she flinched. “No.”
“I’d never hurt you. It’s me John,” he tried to reassure her. He gathered her into his arms. “Don’t do that,” Alex warned John but it was too late. “No, No, No,” Marlena screamed at the top of her lungs fighting John off of her. With strength that he didn’t know she had, she escaped his grasp and started running toward the bathroom. “Marlena,” John said as he got up to run after her. He accidentally stepped on the blanket that was wrapped around her body and tripped her. They both fell to the floor, John’s body partially covering her torso and legs. Alex got up from the bed and ran over to them. “Get off of her John,” Alex warned.
“No, she needs me,” John said as he held onto Marlena as she tried to free herself from his grasp. Marlena kicked her legs free from John and brought her legs up into her chest in a protective mode. Her eyes clenched tight, she rocked back and forth.
“Look at her John. Look at her. She doesn’t know who you are right now. You’re frightening her,” Alex warned John as he moved in between John and Marlena.
“What have I done?” John asked in horror as he looked past Alex to Marlena sobbing hysterically.
“Roman. I need Roman. I need Roman. I need Roman,” Marlena said over and over and she rocked herself on the floor.
John was devastated at the mention of Roman Brady and Alex North perplexed.
“I’d advise against her seeing Roman Brady,” Alex said, hoping that he could convince John to keep Roman away. “Roman will just confuse the issue. John, it appears to me that aside from her dissociative amnesia, she may be also reliving some event in the past that she has tried to repress. Most likely this event is part of her amnesia and may be the trigger for her recent memory loss.”
“Look North, if she wants to see Roman, then I’ll take her to him,” John said wearily. “I just want my wife back. I just want her back.” He sat down next to Marlena on the floor, inches away from her, desperately wanting to touch her.
“Roman’s presence will just confuse her John,” Alex said kneeling down next to John.
“What ever it takes to get her back, I’ll do it. But I’m going to do it on her terms, not yours. I was going to make her love me and remember me. I was hurting her North. Me, the one person who promised to love and protect her, caused her pain.”
“Are you willing to risk further emotional damage to her psyche by allowing Roman to sell her his agenda?” Alex warned him.
“I may not like the fact that Roman took advantage of Marlena, but I can swear to this on my life, Roman loves her and would never hurt her. Just like me, he’d die before he’d intentionally hurt her. I can’t say the same for you. So, the way I’m seeing it, no further harm could come from allowing him to talk to her. Hell, if he could get through to her I’d be grateful at this point. I just want my wife back.”
Alex knew that he had lost this fight with John.
John suddenly looked at Alex with a distrust in his eyes, “You know what’s wrong with her don’t you?”
“How would I know?”
“Why wouldn’t you know is the better question. For months you have been taunting me regarding my wife and some sort of sick friendship or whatever you want to call it you had with her in the past.”
“It’s true, I knew her in the past.”
“Then what the hell is happening to her? What is she reliving right now? Don’t you pull that “I don’t know” shit because I ain’t buying it. What the hell happened to her?”
“I don’t know,” Alex honestly admitted. John looked at him with skepticism.
“When is she going to come out of this?”
“I couldn’t tell you. Episodes this like can last a few minutes, hours or days.”
“If I find out that you have lied to me in any way concerning my wife or you have hurt her, I will kill you with my bare hands. Do you understand that?”
“Mr. Black, I would never hurt a patient. I only want to see her get better.”
“John,” Marlena moaned from the floor.
“It’s me Doc,” he said, afraid to touch her.
“What happened,” she asked as she tried to sit up. The blanket fell down around her waist. “Alex?” she said as she saw him kneeling next to John. She frantically attempted to cover herself.
“How are you feeling Doc,” John asked with a smile on his face.
“I’m really tired and my head hurts,” she admitted as she yawned.
“I’m not surprised. You had us worried,” John smiled at her.
“Marlena, what’s the last thing you remember?” Alex asked.
She looked up at him perplexed as she thought back.
“Nothing,” she said as she quickly looked away. “I’m fine.”
“Marlena, you’re not okay,” John told her. “Just a few minutes ago you bordered between catatonic and hysterical.”
She closed her eyes at his words and swallowed deeply. “I’m okay John. Must have been low blood sugar. I’m really hungry. I wouldn’t mind eating something.”
“Must have been Marlena,” Alex said.
“Let’s get some clothes on you and we’ll get something to eat on the way to Salem.”
“Salem?” Marlena asked.
“Salem, my dear. We’re going to see Roman.”
Chapter 21
The flight from Green Mountain took less than twenty minutes by John’s helicopter. Marlena wanted to go by car, but John had insisted that they fly. He didn’t want to take time to drive. In reality, he wanted to get a head start on Alex North for John had refused to let Alex fly back with them in the helicopter. Marlena had predictably thrown a fit, saying that she needed Alex and trusted him. Alex tried to convince Marlena and John that he knew what was best for her treatment and that he should be there when Marlena talked to Roman. Marlena refused to talk to Roman and proclaimed that everything was fine and that there was no need. John didn’t give either one of them a choice. He carried Marlena into the helicopter, fastened her seatbelt and started up the helicopter.
Ten minutes into the flight John noticed that Marlena had dozed off. He turned the heat up a little hoping that she wouldn’t get too cold. In his haste to leave, neither of them dressed appropriately for the elements. Glancing behind him to make sure that Marlena was asleep, John called a clothes order in to his executive assistant Cat. He quickly glanced at his watch hoping that she could make it in time before he placed another phone call to his pilot instructing him to have his leer jet fueled, stocked with food and ready for take-off. His last phone call was the most difficult to make.
“Roman, it’s John. I need a huge favor from you,” John said into his cell phone as he grimaced. He hoped that Roman could find it in himself to help him out.
“This is a surprise John. You made it clear last time we spoke that you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”
John breathed deeply before he answered. “Something’s come up and I need your help.”
Roman laughed, “The great John Black needs my help…Seriously, why did you call?”
“Look pal. I’d just as soon never see you again but Marlena needs your help…We need your help.”
Roman’s curiosity was piqued. “Is something wrong with Marlena?”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“I don’t have a lot of time. Can you meet us at the airfield in about 15 minutes?”
“I’m at Pop’s right now. If I leave now I’d be cutting it close. What’s the rush?”
“Dr. North…”
“Enough said. I’m on my way.”
“Oh and Roman…bring your passport.” John said as he hung up the phone, not waiting for a reaction from Roman.
“Roman, thanks for getting here so soon,” John said as he approached Roman’s Jeep Cherokee.
“Sure John, care to tell me what the big hurry is,” Roman said as he opened up the back of the jeep and took out his black overnight case. A light mist was in the air.
“Once my plane is in the air I’ll tell you all that you want to know,” John said as he led Roman onto the jet. “Take a seat, while I do a few last minute checks,” John said as he motioned to one of the vacant seats. “In case you’re wondering where Marlena is…she’s in the back bedroom sleeping.” John gestured toward the back of the plane, before shutting and securing the airline door.
“Could I see her,” Roman asked.
“Sure, please don’t wake her though…she’s had a rough couple of days.”
Roman made his way to the bedroom, slowly opening the door. Marlena lay in the middle of the king-sized bed, underneath the plush burgundy bedspread. The shades were drawn on the windows, the small room eerily dark except for the glow of small alarm clock on the bedside table. Roman slowly approached Marlena, sitting next to her on the bed. She looked so peaceful lying on her side, hands tucked underneath her head. As Roman reached out to touch Marlena’s face, he felt the engines of the small plane start up and the plane slowly move down the runway. Moments later John entered the room and sat on the bed on the other side of Marlena. Roman felt the slight shake of the plane as it descended into the air.
“She looks so peaceful, doesn’t she?” John asked as he stroked the side of Marlena’s face. “I would do anything for Doc to experience peace like this while awake…she has been through soooo much…. I don’t know how to stop her pain, though I desperately want to.” Roman looked on, jealous that in the years since he dissolved his marriage to Marlena, he had been unable to find and experience that type of love.
“John, what’s going on? You’re phone call was rather cryptic and caught me off guard,” Roman whispered.
“Let’s go into the main cabin…Doc needs her rest and I don’t want to disturb her.” John got up off the bed and went into the cabin, Roman following him. “Would you like something to drink?”
“I’ll take whatever you’re having,” Roman said as he sat down in one of the plush chairs.
John returned with a glass of brandy a couple of minutes later. As Roman reached up to take the glass from John he asked, “Care to tell me where we’re going and what the big hurry is?”
“North is up to no good…I don’t trust that man.” John sat down across from Roman and leaned back in the chair. Everything was so complicated.
“I told you when I met him that you shouldn’t trust him. I couldn’t believe that you of all people would just blindly trust Doc with someone you didn’t know.” Roman found it ironic that John was finally seeing what he had known all along.
“I know…I know…should have listened to you.”
“But you never will when it comes to Marlena.”
“No, I won’t…I’m sorry, I can’t be objective when it comes to her…she means too much to me…it’s my job to protect her…I don’t trust her with anyone.”
“John, from the beginning it was obvious to me that Dr. North was less than legitimate…. You were just too blind to see it John…your issue of trust has less to do with Dr. North than with me…it’s me that you don’t trust with Marlena, isn’t it…. Wait you don’t have to answer that, I can see it on your face…. You would rather have followed the advice of some shady psychiatrist that a Dimera recommended to you than to follow my advice…that’s what it always comes back to…you’re terrified that I will pursue Marlena and that you will lose her in the end. That’s it, isn’t it?”
John looked away; knowing that there was some truth to what Roman was saying, just not sure as to how to respond.
“John, I’m not trying to steal her from you…Hell I’ve thought about it in the past, I just wouldn’t do that…”
“Then what would you call your little encounter with her at the castle? She’s my wife…how could you do that?” John took a sip of his brandy, welcoming the burn of the alcohol as it slid down his throat.
Roman took a rather large sip of his brandy before answering John. Every conversation with John always came back to this issue.
“As I told you before, it was something that just happened…I was incredibly lonely, having given up hope that I would ever see Kate again…How could you have moved on with my wife?”
“So predictable Roman…I had a feeling that you would bring that up.”
“I will always bring it up when you accuse me of seducing Marlena.”
“Well you did, didn’t you?”
“Did you seduce my wife?” Roman asked.
“No.”
“Then I didn’t seduce Marlena…look we’re never going to see eye to eye on this issue…it’s pointless to even talk about it. Why can’t we both accept that it happened and move on?”
“Fine, truce,” John asked as he held out his hand and offered it to Roman. Roman shook his hand. He still wanted to cause Roman great pain for that indiscretion.
“Roman, I asked you here because Marlena needs your help.”
“My help?”
“Yes, yours…something happened last night…she kind of freaked out and went all hysterical…it was if she is fighting some kind of demon.”
“You think she’s possessed again?”
“God I hope not…no, this was different…she was remembering something from her past that was obviously quite painful for her…she wouldn’t let me touch her or go near her.”
“What do I have to do with this?”
“I need to know about her past, what is she remembering.”
Roman was astounded, “Look John, even if I knew what you were talking about, there is no way in hell I would ever betray her trust in me…Ask me what you want, but do not ask me to divulge any personal details I know about her. That is off limits.”
John got up from his chair and went to the back to check on Marlena before responding. “Fair enough, I hate it that there are parts of her past that I know nothing about…parts of her past that she refuses to talk about or become very vague about when I mention it.”
“That’s Marlena, you know that…by trade she has the ability to internalize so much. When we were married it used to drive me crazy. She’d come home after a long day of work and you could tell that something was bothering her, but she never would tell me.”
“But that’s work and understandable…this is personal…she’s my wife…we don’t keep secrets from each other.”
“John, everyone has secrets…it’s only natural.”
“Everyone else, not us…we don’t keep secrets.”
“Maybe you don’t know her as well as you think you do…maybe you’re seeing and believing what you want to see.”
“Doc wouldn’t do that.”
“John, she’s a person, she’s fallible…she’s not some kind of saint…maybe that’s part of the problem…you have this idealized vision of who she is and what she will and will not do…how could anyone ever live up to that.”
“I’d believe that of a lesser woman, but never her.”
“God you’re so macho and self assured…how to hell does she put up with you?”
“It’s part of my charm…. Look, if you don’t want to tell me about her past and what she could be remembering could you at least talk to her about it?”
“I’ll try…what makes you think she would want to talk to me about it?”
“She was asking for you.”
Roman was shocked, “She’s asked for me?”
“Yep.” John took a sip of his brandy and sat back down.
“John, what’s going on with her?”
“Regarding her memory?” Roman nodded his head. “She’s starting to remember bits and pieces of her past…events and things of that sort that occurred before 1993 appear to be rather clear in her mind.”
“And memories since 1993?”
“Who knows…seems kind of spotty…she does remember the last couple of months, but before that I’m not sure.”
“Not sure? What exactly does she know?”
“She knows about the circumstances surrounding her amnesia…she knows about the baby and about you and her…I don’t know if she’s remembered the actual events or if she knows because North told her…. It’s all so confusing…sometimes when talking to her I get the feeling that I am talking to the old Marlena and at other times its like I am talking to a stranger.”
“John, what does Dr. North have to do with this, besides the obvious?”
“Roman, were you aware that North apparently knew Marlena in the past?”
“What?” Roman said as he sat up in the chair, not knowing if he heard John correctly.
“I take that as a no?”
“Dr. North, knew Marlena? But when?”
“I was hoping that you would be able to help me out with some of those details. From comments that have been made I gather that they knew each other back in medical school.”
“I’ve never heard her mention him before…maybe they were just colleagues.”
“That’s what I thought…”
“You think that they were involved?”
“That’s what I’m beginning to think…it just doesn’t make sense for them just to be friends…why would be go out of his way to come to Salem and treat her if they were just colleagues or former friends…the way he looks at her sometimes, I don’t know, it’s kind of creepy…like he wants her of something…I don’t trust the man.”
“How is Doc with him?”
“That’s the other strange part…at times she’s okay with him being there, other times she’s insistent that she talk to him and there have been times when she seems to have gone out of her way to try to get away from him…I just don’t get it…maybe I’m reading too much into her behavior.”
“Trust your instincts when it comes that that man John…so where are we going and why?”
“I don’t trust North…he is too insistent on immersing himself in her recovery…I just don’t trust him…she’s too emotionally fragile right now…you’ll see when she wakes up…I believe that she may be close to remembering, and am terrified that Dr. North will just screw it up or prevent it.”
“Thus the need to rescue the damsel in distress,” Roman laughed.
“It’s not funny Roman. This is my life…I cannot lose that woman in that bed.”
“I know it’s not funny…I just find it incredibly ironic…after everything that has happened in the past, here we are.”
“No one sees the irony in the situation more than me.”
“Who would have thought that after everything that has happened between the three of us in the last fourteen years, that you and I would be sitting on a plane, having a civil conversation, with Marlena quietly sleeping ten feet away.”
“It’s not what I consider the ideal situation, but in order for Marlena to heal, I have to find a way to put aside my differences and issues with you and you need to find a way to do the same with me.”
“I can’t promise you that John, I’ll try, but a part of me will never forgive you for taking her away from me.”
“I appreciate your honesty Roman…there is a part of me that will never forgive you for taking everything in my life away…Marlena and the kids…when you returned.”
“It was never your life to live…they never belonged to you John, they were mine.”
“On an intellectual level I know that…but on an emotional level, I’ll never accept it…I loved those kids, I raised them, they may as well have been my own flesh and blood because they were mine…and Marlena…god, she was everything to me, she was my life and to lose it all so suddenly, being told that what I felt for her was wrong, fabricated, not real…. No, I’ll never accept that…what we had was the most real thing that I have ever felt and experienced…fourteen years later and that still hasn’t changed.”
“I had the same connection with her John, until it was taken away…look, I know it wasn’t your fault that you were brought to Salem and given my memories…but I do blame you for pursing her when I came back…that was wrong…she wasn’t yours to take away…she was my wife.”
“In retrospect, I realize that…we realize that…but at the time I was blinded by my pure passion for her…I couldn’t suddenly stop loving her and wanting her, because you came back…society told us that what we felt for each other was wrong…it wasn’t, it was then and still is the most right thing I have and ever will feel…I can’t turn on and off my love for her, connection and feeling for her…she’s a part of me.”
Roman laughed, “She said the same thing to me about you a couple months ago…you two are really made for each other aren’t you? Two obsessive people that can’t seem to get enough of each other.”
“She said that about me? When”
“At the castle…Marlena and I had lots of time to talk about the past…you know the affair and subsequent events…we managed to come to an understanding…Look, I love her dearly…I would do anything for her…. She’s someone who will always have a place in my heart…A part of me will always love her, just not the way that you do.”
“Are you saying that you’re no longer in love with her and don’t want her back?”
“Exactly, I’ve been trying to tell you that for months, you just never wanted to listen.”
“So the events at the castle…” John started, taking another sip of his brandy.
Roman interrupted, “You can’t say it can you…why can’t you just say when Marlena and I made love or had sex?”
“Because when I put those words together in a sentence I want to beat the hell out of you for touching my wife,” John admitted.
Roman laughed, “Dude, you have some serious issues you need to deal with…hell you both do…when Marlena and I were intimate at the castle it was all about comforting each other and nothing to do with romantic love or lust…we share a past…I needed the comfort of being with someone who was familiar, non-judgmental and accepting…I knew that no strings would be attached…we’d get what we each needed from the moment.”
“I so do not want to hear this,” John said as he put his hands over his ears.
“John, you need to hear this…she made it clear to me that she was looking for the same thing…comfort sex with someone familiar with no strings attached.”
“So why didn’t you just masturbate? Did you have to do it with my wife.” John still couldn’t say the word.
“Can you see Marlena masturbating? I don’t think so?”
John burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?” Roman asked clueless as to what he said that was so funny.
“You couldn’t convince her to masturbate in front of you?” John asked, a slight smirk on his face. He couldn’t fucking believe this little gem that had fallen into his lap.
“Never would, even when we were married…I always thought it was because of her strict Catholic upbringing…I always wished that she would have been a little more uninhibited in the bedroom.”
John couldn’t believe this, his Marlena was quite the opposite from the picture that Roman painted of her. “Pal, that’s my wife you’re talking about…Don’t even go there or I might hit you.”
“Sorry.”
“You know, for the first time in years, I actually believe you.” John did believe him. Roman didn’t want Marlena back, he just wanted to be her friend and make sure that she was happy, loved and protected. “You don’t want her back, do you?”
“No, I’ve been trying to tell you that for years…I don’t love her that way…What I once found exciting and alluring now drives me nuts…the two of you are made for each other.”
“Thanks Roman…I feel at ease for once,”
“At ease about what,” Marlena said as she came out of the bedroom. He hair was disheveled, make-up smeared. She was wearing John’s black V-neck T-shirt and nothing more.
Roman looked over at her bare legs. She was still as sexy as ever. He watched as she sauntered over to John and climbed in his lap. She looked at Roman and smiled. John grabbed a blanket and covered her legs. He didn’t care of Roman was no longer interested in her romantically…he didn’t need to see any parts of her body.
“So which one of you is going to tell me where we are and what’s going on?”
Chapter 22
“So which one of you is going to tell me where we are and what’s going on?” Marlena asked as she cuddled in John’s lap. She brought the blanket up and tucked it under her chin. John absentmindedly stroked her back. She leaned back into the sensation, wanting nothing more than to cuddle with him under the covers on the bed, but at the same time needing answers.
“Well…” John began, not sure of how much to divulge to Marlena.
“John, I just want the truth…Please.”
“Okay, we’re heading to the Mediterranean, Greece actually.”
“We are?” Roman and Marlena said at the same time. They looked at each other and started laughing. “Don’t you even say jinx,” Marlena warned him. John felt a twinge of jealously at their closeness. After all these years, Roman and Marlena had a still had a connection and probably always would.
“Why Greece?” Roman asked.
“I own a small island…It’s not on any map and not registered in my name…no one knows I own it except for Marlena…We should be safe there…I’m fairly certain that North won’t be able to find us.”
“I didn’t know you owned an island?” Marlena stated and then remembered that she did have amnesia, “Oh…. I forgot.” She blushed in embarrassment.
“How does Roman fit into this?…Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to see a familiar face John…I just didn’t think that you two liked each other enough to go on a vacation together.”
“Roman and I get along fine.”
“Since when?” Marlena asked.
“Since about five minutes ago,” Roman offered.
“Oh…so why is he here?”
“Honey, Roman is the only person on this earth that I trust with your life…Whatever differences I have had with him in the past, I know deep down that he would never hurt you.”
“You act like my life is in danger…is Stefano alive…is that what you’re telling me?” Marlena sat up and started to panic. John could feel the muscles in her legs tense up against him.
“Doc, it’s okay,” John said as he stroked her back. “He’s not alive…not that we know…the danger right now is from Alex North.
“Alex?” she asked. “Why would he hurt me? He’s an old friend of mine.”
“That’s what you said in the hospital, but in the hotel at times you seemed fearful of him.”
“Alex would never hurt me…. Alex only wants to protect me.” Marlena said as she stared out the small plane window. Roman looked on in fascination, watching as Marlena’s facial expressions seemed to change by the second.
“I know that you think that North wants to help you….I just don’t trust the man…something about him…”
“What? You don’t think he’s providing appropriate treatment for me?”
“Yes…yes, essentially I don’t think that he’s helping with the return of your memory.”
“What do you think Roman?” Marlena asked.
“I don’t know…I just never trusted the man,” Roman admitted as he got up from his chair and went to the bar to pour himself another drink. “John, would you like some more?”
“Sure,” John said as he handed the glass to Roman.
“Marlena, would you like something to drink?”
“I’ll take a cold beer, if you have one?”
“A beer?” Roman said, as he looked incredulously at her. “Since when do you drink beer?”
John laughed out loud, “Don’t ask pal, seems to be an acquired taste as of late.”
“Please don’t talk about me like I’m not here…It’s rather offensive.” Marlena said.
“Sorry princess, “ John teased her as he grabbed her sides and tickled her.
“John,” she screamed as she writhed in his lap trying to get away from him. He loved to hear the sound of her laughing. “John Black, stop tickling me,” she warned him. He ignored the warning and continued. She tried to get up off his lap, but he held her firmly in place. Roman watched their obvious closeness and affection from a distance.
“I’m going to pee if you keep it up Sailor,” she warned him.
“Don’t you dare,” John said as he continued tickling her, moving his hands under her shirt.
“John…don’t do that,” she pushed his hands away. What started out as a tickle soon became a caress. She felt his hands move up and caress her bare breasts. Marlena ground her bottom into him, feeling his erection. Her head automatically leaned back as she allowed John to place small kisses along the side.
“Earth to John and Marlena…Please don’t do that in front of me…. Take it to the bedroom.” Roman said as he returned with their drinks. He placed the drinks on the glass table next to them and sat down. He noticed out of the corner of his eye that John appeared to be caressing Marlena’s breasts underneath the blanket.
“hmmm…..” Marlena moaned, eyes closed in pleasure.
“If you two keep this up, I’m leaving,” Roman warned them, trying not to look.
John stopped sucking on her neck long enough to reply. “Okay, we’ll be good. Marlena…stop doing that…. Marlena stop it…. I’m serious…If you keep doing that I’m going to have to take you back to the bedroom and have my way with you…Woman, stop it….ohhhhhhhh”
“Alright…that’s enough,” Roman said as he got up. He stooped down in front of Marlena and attempted to pull her out of John’s arms. “I have absolutely no desire to see this…if you can’t keep your hands to yourselves then I’m going to have to separate you…God, I sound like my father.”
“Spoil sport,” Marlena said as she sat up in John’s lap.
“You my dear are going to sit over here,” Roman said as he pulled Marlena up and moved her to the couch. Marlena grabbed the
beer bottle on the way and took a swig.
“Where the hell did your sense of modesty go Doc…out with your amnesia?” He asked as he motioned to her bare legs. He grabbed the blanket from John’s lap and threw it to Marlena.
“Sorry Roman…sometimes I just get carried away…hell you were married to her, you know how it is….” John admitted.
“Uh, yeah…” Roman said uncomfortably as he looked over at Marlena. She was lying against the cushions, feet tucked under her, bottle in hand.
“Before your little love fest began we were talking about Dr. North and his psychiatric treatment of Marlena…. What’s your game plan when we get to the island?”
“You’re going to help me keep Marlena safe and help me get her memory back.”
Marlena laughed, “Right… The two of you…The two of you who have absolutely no psychiatric training are going to treat me…no way.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“Doc, it’s the only way.”
“No…I don’t care if it’s the last treatment available on earth…there’s no way that I’m letting either one of you mess with my head…come up with a different plan…besides, I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine Marlena,” John said as he sat forward in his chair.
“I am too…I don’t need to talk to anyone.”
“So what? Your memory is going to magically return.”
“Well no, but gradually it should.”
“Marlena, it’s been three months…shouldn’t you have remembered more by now?”
“These things take time…Sometimes people never remember.”
“That’s bullshit…The only reason why you haven’t remembered is because of Dr. North and his mind games.”
“You don’t know that John.”
“The hell I don’t…I know that the woman I love, my wife, was having some serious issues back in that hotel room…the common denominator is North…He’s the one that’s preventing your memory from returning.”
“John you sound paranoid.”
“No I sound realistic… I sound like a man who would do anything for his wife to help her memory return…anything…anything…Even
take you out of the country where he can’t find you.”
“All this is a little frightening to me…back to my original question, why is Roman here?”
“I told you already…I’d like for you to talk to him.”
“And I already told you…no way…I don’t need to talk to him…I don’t need to talk to anyone… I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine Doc…you flipped out several times at the hotel…”
“You’re just overreacting.”
“No I’m not….there’s something inside of you, some issue that you won’t discuss and can’t move past…what if it’s the reason why you can’t remember….if you won’t talk to me about it I was hoping you’d talk to Roman.”
“John, Roman’s not my shrink and neither are you… There are some things neither of you need to know…things that I don’t feel comfortable discussing with anyone…Please just drop this.”
“Doc, you called for him in the middle of the night…you said you wanted to talk to him…If you won’t talk to me, please talk to him.”
“No.”
“God woman…you are so stubborn.” John said as he stood up and walked to the bar. How was he going to get through to her and get her to open up to Roman. “If you won’t talk to Roman, then you’re going to talk to me…you’re going to explain what the hell you were dreaming about and reliving that had you terrified and screaming out in your sleep…you are going to tell me why when I touched you, you recoiled in horror…”
Marlena’s face paled and she gasped. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She lied. Roman looked over at her, seeing the tears start to slowly make their way down her cheeks.
“You never were a good liar Doc…You told me over and over not to touch you…every time I got near you, you freaked out…several times you told me you wanted to see Roman… I can see on your face that you know what I’m talking about… Doc, I don’t want to hurt you…god, I don’t want you to cry… I hate that I am doing this to you…I hate this…I don’t want to be the bad guy… I don’t want to be the one that causes you pain…I fucking hate this… But, I don’t know what else to do… I don’t know how to get through to you…you won’t accept my help…you don’t want to talk to anyone…If you won’t do this for yourself, please do it for me…Please Marlena, Please…. For me.” John sat down on the couch next to her and took her small hands in his. Marlena silently sobbed beside him. John motioned with his head for Roman to get up and go to the other side of Marlena.
Roman sat down on the couch next to Marlena and put his arm around her.
“Marlena… You know I love you… You know that I would never hurt you… I want to see you well… I want to see that smile return to your face… Please talk to me… Please tell me what’s wrong… You know that I’d never betray your confidence… I haven’t yet and I never will… Please talk to me…Mar, there’s a reason why these memories are returning… If you don’t deal with this now, it’s going to eat you up inside like it did last time… Don’t let HIM win, don’t let HIM do this to you.” At the mention of HIM Marlena broke down sobbing. She leaned into John for protection. He put his arms around her and held her as she sobbed.
“I can’t go through this again Roman, I can’t,” Marlena sobbed into John’s arms.
“It’s okay,” Roman said as he stroked her back.
“Oh god… You can’t know…You can’t, “ Marlena said as she pulled herself out of John’s arms. “I’d disgust you…you’d hate me,”
She sobbed. “You’d never want to be with me ever again.” John was bewildered. He looked to Roman for guidance. Roman put his finger up to his lips, indicating for John not to say anything.
“John would never hate you Marlena… He’s loves you.”
“He can’t love me… no one can… I need to get out of here.” She said as she sat up.
“Marlena, I know about HIM and I don’t hate you,” Roman said as he took her chin in between his fingers and turned her face toward him. Her face was red and puffy from crying, eyes bloodshot. “Please talk to me about this.”
“Okay,” she said weakly, “But only you… Promise me that you won’t tell John.”
Roman looked up at John. John nodded his approval, visibly upset and hurt that Marlena didn’t want to confide in him.
“Sure.”
“Why don’t I go back into the bedroom, I’ll leave the two of you alone,” John said as he got up from the couch. He bent down and kissed Marlena on the head and walked to the bedroom. “Marlena…you are the love of my life…there is nothing you could do or say that would ever make me love you any less… Remember that.” John shut the door behind him and laid down on the bed. He picked up the pillow that still held Marlena’s scent and breathed in deeply.
Chapter 23
“Mar, I know this is difficult for you,” Roman said as he moved away from Marlena, wanting to give her some physical space.
“You have no idea,” Marlena said as she stared at her beer bottle, unable to look Roman in the eyes. “You must think that I’m an emotional and mental wreck.”
“I’d never think that… When I look at you I see a strong woman, a woman who has had to bear more than her share of pain and heartache and always manages to come out on top.”
“I don’t feel like that woman,” Marlena said as a stray tear slowly made its way down her pale cheek. She grabbed the blanket and covered herself with it. “I feel like my life is spinning out of control and that there is nothing I can do to stop it…. I just want the pain to end Roman… I just want a normal life… I want to be able to sleep in my bed and wake up in the morning and make breakfast for my husband without having to worry about whose coming for us and or what crisis is around the corner…”
“That’s life Marlena… that’s living… If we knew what was around the corner, what kind of life would it be?”
“A pretty damn good one.”
“You say that now my dear, but I know you, and you wouldn’t be happy living that kind of life.”
“Okay, maybe my example wasn’t the best… I just crave a life of some predictability and a little less drama.”
Roman laughed, “You and me both… I swear in my own life just with the things I’ve had to endure, I was either really evil in a former life and am paying my dues in this one, or this has been a big test of God’s and I have earned my way into heaven multiple times.”
“I like to think that my ticket to heaven has already been purchased and is non-refundable.”
“Mar, do you want to talk about what’s been bothering you?” Roman said as he faced her and picked up one of her hands.
“You never were one for small talk… I’ve always admired that about you… You never would let me redirect the conversation…”
“I know you too well Marlena… I learned the signs years ago. When you want to avoid a subject there are certain things you say and do.”
“Am I that predictable?” Marlena said as she tucked an errant stand of hair behind her ear.
“You’re doing it again Dr. Evans.”
“Dr. Evans, you haven’t called me that in a long time… At least I don’t remember if you have… For all I know you could’ve called me that every day for the last 12 or so years and I wouldn’t have remembered.”
“Marlena…”
“Do you realize how much I want to remember and not being able to? I’ll see something, anything…. Doesn’t really matter what it is…. And I’ll wonder if I’ve ever seen it before and in what context… sometimes I make myself crazy trying to remember and then I’ll think I remember and I’m not sure if its real or something I’m making up in my head…I’m trying so hard to remember that I’m creating memories that aren’t real and convincing myself that they are.”
“Marlena….”
“No, not being able to remember anything is awful… I would give anything to have any sort of memory of the last couple years… But then again, maybe I don’t want to remember… Maybe what happened was uneventful… or maybe it was awful… I don’t know…Maybe its best that I don’t remember,” Marlena admitted before being interrupted by Roman.
“Marlena, stop it.”
“I can’t…. I’m trying so hard to remember… trying so hard… all I hear from everyone is how I should remember… “Don’t you remember me Marlena?”…”You should remember me Marlena”…. “Why can’t you remember Marlena?”… “You’re just not trying hard enough Marlena”…My God, people look at me and treat me like I’m doing this on purpose….”
“STOP IT,” Roman yelled, grabbing her face and his hands and forcing her to look at him. “Stop it,” he said in a softer voice as he gently cupped her face.
Tears welled up in Marlena’s eyes. “I can’t….” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. Marlena breathed in deeply and then fell apart. “I can’t do this Roman,” she sobbed. Roman pulled her into an embrace, trying to calm her. “I can’t do this.” Roman rubbed her hair back from her face and tried to wipe away her tears. “I…can’t…do…this….” Marlena said between sobs.
“Let it all out,” Roman said as he stroked her back.
“I CAN’T DO THIS,” Marlena screamed as she broke her contact with Roman and stood up. “I can’t fucking talk about this…not with you…not with anyone…I can’t do this.” She fell to the floor on the plane sobbing. Roman saw out of the corner of his eye that John was standing in the doorway of the bedroom watching, tears streaming down his face.
“I just want it to stop,” Marlena whispered as she curled protectively into a ball. John walked over to Marlena and laid down on the floor next to her, pulling her to him. He held her as she continued to sob. “No,” she cried when John encircled her in his strong arms. “No….No….No….No,” she cried.
“Let us help you through this,” Roman said as he got down on the floor next to Marlena.
“Please Roman,” Marlena said as she sat up, “Please don’t make me do this,” she cried out between sobs. Roman looked behind Marlena at John for guidance. John shook his head no. “I can’t do this Roman, I can’t hurt her like this. Even though I know its for the best that she talks to you about this issue, I can’t make her…look at her…look how much pain she’s in, she ‘s frightened…her defense mechanisms are kicking in…”
“Don’t touch me…let me go,” Marlena said as she abruptly pulled herself out of John and Roman embrace. She stood up and walked unsteadily toward the galley. “I need a drink,” she said as she opened the small refrigerator and grabbed another beer. She twisted off the cap and downed half of the bottle in less than a minute. She didn’t bother to wipe the tears from her face as she sat down dejectedly in a chair and leaned her head back, closing her eyes. She wanted everything to stop and for John and Roman to go away. She knew that they were just trying to help her. She knew that she needed to talk about HIM, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Talking about it somehow validated that it was real, HE was real. She heard movement around the small cabin, guessing that Roman or John had gotten up off the floor and had gone into the small galley. She was too emotionally drained to care which one it was. All Marlena wanted to do was to numb her pain; alcohol would suffice.
John stood behind her, hating what was happening to her. He slowly reached down and touched her shoulders, desperate for contact.
“John, I’m sorry,” Marlena said, not bothering to open her eyes. She leaned back into his touch, needing him.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about… if you’re not ready to talk about it, you’re not.”
“You must think I’m awful…As a psychiatrist I counsel my patients to be open about their feelings, to talk with their partners… it’s ironic that I can’t seem to take my own advice.”
“Maybe you’re not ready to….”
“And probably never will…What kind of woman am I that I can’t tell you, my husband, the man that I love and trust more than anything in the world, these things?”
“You’re human Doc… I’m sure that you have your reasons… When you feel comfortable, I’m sure that you’ll tell me… In the meantime, I am concerned about your mental state and whatever this is, whoever HE is, is doing to you… Please talk to Roman…I’m not going to force you to talk to him, but I’d really feel better if you talked to someone about this.”
“GOD, I HATE being a psychiatrist…why couldn’t I have been a teacher or a nurse.”
“Because then you wouldn’t be you…and I happen to love who you are.” John gently squeezed her shoulders, noting how tense she was.
“…I have enough of an ego as a successful psychiatrist that I try to treat myself…I should know better, and I do… Deep down inside of me I believe that I can treat myself and heal myself.”
“Maybe you can, maybe you just need a little help.”
“You’re right John,” Marlena said as she opened her eyes and sat up. John noticed that her demeanor suddenly changed. “I’m tired of running…I’m tired of being scared… I’m trying of hiding who I am and pretending to be something that I’m not.”
Roman watched Marlena and John from the galley, not sure of where this conversation between them was going. John was still standing behind Marlena a look of confusion on his face.
“You want to know what the big secret is? You want to know who He is? You want to know who I am?”
“Yes,” John said softly.
Marlena got up from her chair and turned around and faced John. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. “Okay…okay…okay,” she began. She opened her hazel eyes and looked directly into his blue ones. John felt her in his soul. He felt that indescribable connection that they always seemed to have had, but was missing for the last couple of years…he felt her pain…he felt her anguish…he felt her confusion…he felt a profound sense of loss…he felt love. She closed her eyes again, fearful of his reaction.
“Okay, I can do this…I can… I can do this,” she said as she opened her eyes again and looked at him. “My name isn’t even Marlena…You want to know more, ask him,” Marlena said as she motioned to Roman and walked into the bedroom shutting the door behind her.
Chapter 24
John was floored. He stared at the door Marlena had just closed unable to speak.
“What? … What just happened here Roman? …Did Marlena just say that she wasn’t Marlena?”
Roman laughed nervously and sat down on the couch. “She’s Marlena, just not Marlena.”
“What…help me out here pal…I’m just a little confused… please help me understand this?” John pleaded with Roman. He leaned forward on the couch and put his head in his hands. “Oh man…”
“She’s Marlena, or as she refers to it, she became Marlena… John, how much has Marlena told you about her childhood?”
“Bits and pieces…why?” John replied as he looked up at Roman Brady.
“You’ll have to be more specific John…what exactly has she told you?”
“Why the interrogation Roman? … I don’t know… the normal stuff… growing up with Samantha, birthday parties, Christmas presents… you know, the normal stuff people share about their childhood.”
“What do you know about her family?”
“Besides Samantha? Two parents – Frank and Martha…oh god, you aren’t going to tell me that she’s really Samantha, are you?”
“No, Samantha was Samantha and Marlena is Marlena.”
“You’ve lost me again…she’s not Samantha and she’s not Marlena, who the hell is she?”
“God, how do I even begin this?” Roman asked as he stood up.
“You’re scaring me here Roman… Is she a Dimera? Is that what you are trying to say?” John moved forward on the couch.
“No, John… but being a Dimera might have been a better…okay, I’m trying to make this as simple as possible … Okay, Marlena and her sister were raised in an abusive environment…”
“Abusive how?” John interrupted Roman. He looked back to the bedroom wondering if Marlena was listening to their conversation.
He could still feel her presence and her pain, even though she was not in the room.
“Oh, the usual, her biological parents were young, uneducated and volatile… from what she has told me, social services was a frequent visitor to their house…. One night Marlena and Samantha were removed from the house and put into the foster care system… I’m not sure how long they were initially in the foster care system…. Marlena never really wanted to talk about the experience…”
“Why were they removed from the home Roman?”
“Child endangerment, abuse and neglect, at least that’s what the official report stated… Both parents were court ordered to complete parenting and anger management classes…. the children were returned to the home, only to be removed a couple of months later…I believe at that time they both were placed with Frank and Martha Evans.”
“Again, why?”
“Their biological mother committed suicide…drowned in the lake on the family homestead…”
“What?” John exclaimed rather loudly. “She killed herself?…That’s so tragic and must have been so painful for Marlena and Samantha.”
“No tragic was the fact that she was eight months pregnant at the time.”
“Oh my god…” John gasped. He felt immense pain and sadness for Marlena. The loss of her mother must have been devastating. Although he’d never seen a picture of Marlena as a child, he’d always pictured her as a cute child, wavy long blond hair and large hazel eyes, smiling and happy. In his mind he now saw that same child, wise beyond her years seeing and experiencing things no child should ever have to, an air of seriousness about her.
“Marlena and Samantha spent a couple more years in foster care before they were reunited with their father…Being reunited with their father was devastating for Marlena and Samantha…The Evans’ had taken steps to legally adopt both girls… Social services had been telling them that there was no chance of family reunification…both girls had adjusted to a new life with new names…One day they were sent back to live with their father…. I don’t know the specifics, you’ll have to ask Mar…The records show that they spent two years with him before they were once again removed from the home and put back in foster care… Shortly after parental rights were terminated and they both were adopted by Frank and Martha.”
“Why couldn’t she tell me this? None of this is her fault and is nothing to be ashamed of…I love her.” John was visibly pained by not knowing.
“John, the Marlena we both know and love is a strong and proud woman… she has always seen her past as somewhat of an embarrassment, even though I never saw it that way… She is not now who she was then and she doesn’t want to be reminded…this has nothing to do with love.”
“How could she keep something like this from me?”
“This isn’t about you John… This is about Doc and her needs…my personal feeling is that she never told you because in her mind she put the whole episode behind her.”
“Obviously she didn’t.” John got up from the couch and walked to the bedroom door. He reached out and touched the door, hoping to find some connection with Marlena. “Roman, you keep mentioning records…” John said as he turned around and faced Roman, one hand still on the door.
“Yeah.”
“Where are these records? I’d like to see them…. Did you hire a private investigator or use your police privileges to investigate her?”
“Not exactly… something came up years ago and I came into possession of copies of the records…”
“Someone sent them to you?” John asked as he sat down in the chair, his back to the bedroom door.
“No…look, I don’t feel comfortable telling you this information about Doc in the first place… It’s not my life; it’s hers… I’ve told you this much because it’s what she wanted, but details about the records I won’t discuss.”
“Why the fucking mystery Roman?”
“John, there are things in the past that need to remain in the past…Got it.”
“Fair enough… but if you are withholding a piece of information that can and will hurt my wife in anyway in the future due to your failure to disclose it, I will personally hurt you…do you understand?”
“God John, I don’t see how Doc puts up with you and your attitude…. You must drive her nuts…. She always hated it when I told her what to do…” Roman wanted to choke John. This wasn’t about him.
“She knows that I always have her best interest at heart and would never hurt her…I will do whatever is required, to make sure that my wife is happy and feels safe…I don’t care what I have to do or how much it costs, she is worth it to me….Now back to the topic…What was her birth name?”
“I can’t tell you that?”
“What the fuck…why can’t you tell me that?” John threw his hands up in the air in disgust. “You’ve seen the records…I know that you know.”
“Please ask her that information…don’t ask me.” Roman has already disclosed more than he intended to.
“Why do I get the feeling that there is so much more to this than Marlena, or whatever her name was, being raised in a bad home, removed from said home and being adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Evans?….I’ve got to talk to her, you’re giving me nothing.” John said as he got up off the couch.
“John, wait…please sit down.”
“Are you going to tell me what it is that has my wife so scarred and why that lunatic North is after her? Or are you going to give me the run around and plead the fifth on every question?”
“Sit down and I’ll tell you the basics of what she wants you to know… the details I can’t and won’t talk about… It’s not my place…”
“Fine,” John said as he tensely sat down on the couch. “Start talking pal… What has her so scarred Roman…why doesn’t she want to be touched at times… Stop beating around the bush and being so elusive… what happened to my wife?”
Roman leaned forward in his chair and put his hands in his head. He took a deep breath before replying to John. “She was raped.”
“I know that Roman, by Kellam Chandler… Why the secrecy, why is she remembering that now?”
“God, if it were only that simple…He’s not the one that she is remembering but in my opinion he does play a part in all of this.”
“What? Marlena was also raped by someone else? Was this when she was held captive by Orpheus…is that why you know about
it? As ISA did you see the file? … You know what happened didn’t you? … Roman, why the hell didn’t you tell me back then? … She’s my wife, I should have been told.” John’s questions came quicker and quicker, and his voice louder and louder. He was frantic to get a grasp on this new situation.
“Stop it John,” Roman said as he sat up and looked John in the eyes. He noticed that Marlena was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, tears streaming down her cheeks. He wondered how much of the conversation she had heard.
“I can’t grasp this…I’m trying to understand… If it wasn’t Orpheus or Chandler, who raped her, who is she running from? Tell me who he is because I’m going to kill the fucking bastard.”
“My father,” Marlena whispered.
Chapter 25
“What did you just say?” John asked, as he looked over at Marlena in shock, unsure of what he had just heard her say.
“My father,” she whispered again, head hung low.
John immediately got up and went over to Marlena, afraid to touch her. He tentatively reached out and touched her. When she didn’t recoil, he took her in his arms and hugged her tight. “Oh Doc… Of Doc… This has been eating you up inside… My god, to have had to live with this… and you had no one to talk to it about… oh honey, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I never wanted you to know John…you weren’t supposed to ever find out,” she whispered into his chest. John had to strain to hear what she was saying. John slowly rubbed her back, pulling her tighter into his arms. She was so tense. “I wanted to tell you…but couldn’t…”
“It’s okay Doc, it’s okay…” John whispered in her hair, trying to comfort her, yet at the same time trying to grasp the fact that his wife just told him that her father had raped her.
“How can you say that?” She asked as she looked up at him. “How can you look at me and hold me in your arms and say that.”
John bit his lip to keep from crying out, “Because I love you and nothing, I mean nothing, will ever change that.”
Upon hearing his admission of love Marlena burst into tears, clutching at his shirt as she sobbed. “I’m so sorry John…I’m sorry…. I’m sorry… sorry,” Marlena cried.
“Honey, it’s okay…you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“John, you can’t tell anyone…you can’t,” she said as she grabbed onto the collars of his button down shirt. “Please promise me
that you won’t tell anyone…promise me….no one can ever know.” She was frantic, a wild look in her eyes, the look of a desperate woman.
“Doc, you know that I’d never tell anyone… but there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” John tried to reassure her, looking over to Roman for help.
“Nothing to be ashamed of? …Nothing to be ashamed of? … Daughters aren’t supposed to be doing those sorts of things with their fathers… and you say I have nothing to be ashamed of? … What would my children think of me? … Of God…John, you can’t tell anyone.”
“It wasn’t your fault Marlena?”
“It’s always my fault John… Everything is always my fault, don’t you get that?” Marlena was borderline hysterical.
“Why would you say that?”
“Because it always is… I can’t ever be what people want me to be and when I let them down, they hurt me… if I could just be good maybe I wouldn’t hurt…” Marlena let go of John’s collar and wiped the tears from her eyes. Marlena looked up at John, unable to gage his response to her news. She needed to look him in the eye and see that his feelings for her hadn’t changed. Marlena pulled away from him when she realized that he wasn’t able to look her in the eyes. Marlena wasn’t aware that John was looking at Roman for guidance as to handle the situation.
“You hate me too,” she whispered. “I knew telling you would be a bad idea…”
“Marlena, stop,” John said as he reached out and grabbed her arm. “Stop it.” He looked into her eyes. “I love you…I love you… Nothing you say or do will change that…Don’t you know that by now?”
“Then why wouldn’t you look at me?”
“Honey, I want to spend the rest of my days gazing into your beautiful eyes,” he said as he embraced her once again. “Could you tell me about what happened?” John finally asked.
“What happened? You want to know the details?” Marlena whispered into his chest. She was finding it hard to believe the John actually wanted to know the details.
“No, god no… I’m just trying to understand.” He slowly rubbed her back.
“There’s really nothing to understand John other than it happened and its over.”
“It’s not over Doc… look at you… whatever happened is still affecting you, whether you’d like to admit it or not.”
“No John. It’s over. I get to say its over, not you.” She pulled out of his embrace and wrapped her arms protectively around herself.
“Doc, it’s not over,” Roman finally said as he approached Marlena. Marlena gasped in shock when he spoke, forgetting that he was even there.
“What say do you get in this?” she turned and yelled at him. “You get no say…neither of you do… This happened to me, not you… Me…This is my life… My life…I get to say when this ends, not you.”
“It’s okay to have these feelings Doc…It doesn’t mean that you’re less of a woman for being terrified and still having residual issues with what happened to you,” John tried to explain.
“Residual issues…Ha… Don’t try to psychoanalyze me John… And Roman don’t you dare stand there and act like you have a fucking clue what I have gone through… You may know the details and god knows I wish you didn’t, but that’s all you have… Neither of you gets the right to tell me what I should be feeling… It’s my life, not yours… I say that I am over it… It’s in the past where it belongs… I put it there and neither of you have any fucking right to try to bring it back…” Marlena was beyond pissed off at both of them. John and Roman were confused by her erratic mood swings. One moment she would be terrified, then she would start crying and then angry Marlena would come out.
“We’re not trying to tell you what you should do Marlena… I’m just trying to understand… As much as you try to deny it, what happened with your father has greatly impacted you…”
“STOP IT,” Marlena screamed. “STOP It …stop talking about my father… I don’t want to talk about him anymore… there is nothing left to be said…”
“Marlena,” John said as he softly touched her arm. “Marlena, look at me,” John demanded. “You’re human, not some robot…It’s okay to show your emotions and talk about what’s bothering you…I know it’s hard for you to let go sometimes and let people know what you’re feeling… It’s not a sign of weakness… If you want to yell and scream, go ahead… But don’t stand here and act like the fact that your father raped you is not an issue, because you aren’t that cold and heartless and you’re not that good of an actress… Marlena, your father raped you… he raped you honey…. he raped you.” John had tears in his eyes, as did Roman. Marlena was trying her best to hold it together, biting on her bottom lip to keep from crying out. Roman saw her shoulders tremble and reached out and touched her.
“It’s okay… let it out,” John whispered to her as he reached out and touched her chin and gently lifted it so he could see her eyes. Blue eyes met hazel ones. Marlena threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. “Why did he do that to me? I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t… What did I do? … I was good, really I was…. I just wanted him to love me… I tried so hard to make him love me… he never loved me… he hated Samantha and me … oh god, Samantha… why couldn’t he love me? … All I ever wanted was to be loved.”
“You are loved Marlena… I love you more than you’ll ever know…” John said as he stroked her back and tried to reassure her. “You are such a special woman, you know that, don’t you…I can’t imagine my life without you… You are the warmest, most compassionate woman…”
“I don’t feel that way.”
“You’re just going through a rough time right now… things will get better… you’re a survivor Marlena.”
“Don’t call me that,” she warned him through her tears.
“You are the strongest woman that I know… what you went through would have broken a lesser woman…”
“Please, John… I can’t be what you want me to be.”
“Its not who I want you to be, it’s who you are.”
“NO, John,” she yelled. “It’s who Marlena is, not who I am…deep down I am and always will be that scarred twelve year old girl who wanted her father to love her… I will always be that girl that is scarred of the dark, a bugs, of swimming in lakes, who can’t eat pork and beans because I was forced to eat it every day for two fucking years…I will always be that girl who when she goes to sleep at night looks around the room to make sure that no one is hiding under the bed or in the closet… Do I sound like a strong woman to you? Do I? I’m been so terrified of people finding out that I’m a fraud that I created a persona, my version of what an undamaged person would look like… but that’s not me…”
“Yes it is… you are Marlena… you are strong… you are loved.”
“Please let me be damaged and broken, please let me be me,” she begged. “Please love me like my father couldn’t.”
Chapter 26
“I’m going to leave you alone so that you two can talk… I’ll check with the pilot and see how much longer till we get there,” Roman said as he touched John’s shoulder. He leaned down and kissed Marlena on the cheek. “You know I love you… Please talk to John, Mar…please.” He walked to the front of the cabin, giving Marlena and John some privacy.
Marlena pulled out of John’s embrace and wiped her eyes with her hands. “Oh god…I’m sorry for falling apart on you like that.”
“That’s what I’m here for Doc… I will always be here for you… You and me, we’re in this together.” John reached out and wiped some of the remaining tears on her face with his thumbs. “I will always be here for you… I swear.” Marlena looked away in embarrassment.
“My head hurts… I’d like to lay down.”
“I bet it does… you’ve just been through a lot emotionally.” John gently rubbed
Marlena’s arm. “I’ll go with you.”
“I’m a big girl, you don’t need to go with me.”
“You’re my wife…I love you… and I want to make sure that you are okay…do you have a problem with that?”
“Well no….”
“I sense some hesitation in your voice…Do you want to be alone Marlena?”
“I don’t know… yes and no.” Marlena looked down and played with the trim on the bottom of her T-shirt, unable to look at John.
“Marlena,” John said as he took her chin in his fingers and gently lifted her face so that he could look her in the eyes. “Please be honest with me about your feelings… No more secrets… I’m tired of secrets… After everything we’ve been through, there can’t be secrets… If you don’t want me to lay down with you, please just say so… I can handle the truth… but just tell me the truth, that’s all I ask… whatever the truth may be, I’ll always be here for you and love you unconditionally.” John smiled as he stroked the sides of her face with his thumbs.
“I appreciate that,” Marlena whispered, her bottom lip quivering. “Oh God, I’m a wreck…I can’t seem to stop crying.” Tears fell down her cheeks. John gently brushed them away with his thumbs.
“Come on…Come with me… Let’s get you comfortable,” John said as he led Marlena into the bedroom. He pulled the covers back and motioned for her to lie down. Once she seemed to have found a comfortable position, he laid down next to her and pulled the covers up over both of them.
“I don’t think its possible to love you more than I do right now.” John whispered to her, their faces inches apart.
“Not as much as I love you,” Marlena whispered back. “John, are we going to be okay?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t we be?” John asked as he shifted his body so that that he was lying on his side facing her. Marlena remained on her back looking up at the ceiling.
“I don’t know…”
“Doc…no secrets…” John noticed that she had closed her eyes.
“I’m scarred that things will change between us now…”
“Why would they change? … You’re still the woman that I married, okay so you’re missing a couple years in your memory, but that doesn’t change anything…”
“I’m just worried that you’re going to look at me differently…treat me differently.”
“I love you Marlena, you…
“John, make love to me…” Marlena said as she turned her head and looked at him.
John closed his eyes and breathed in deeply before responding.
“You can’t…. Can you?” She asked as she sat up and faced him. “I knew this would happen… I knew it… I should have trusted my instincts and kept my mouth shut…”
“Marlena…” John tried to interrupt. He sat up in the bed and faced her.
“I should have kept my mouth shut… This always happens… You people that espouse the virtues of honesty, you don’t know a damn thing… When you get your fucking honesty, you don’t know how to handle it,” Marlena said loudly with anger in her voice and hatred in her eyes.
“Marlena,” John interrupted again.
“I’m not finished…you want your fucking honesty…well now you’ve got it… you can’t take it back… it’s out there John… don’t ask for what you aren’t prepared to handle.”
“Marlena,” John tried to interrupt again. He reached out and grabbed her hands in his. The conversation was spiraling out of control and in a direction it shouldn’t be going in. If he didn’t stop it soon, things might be said between the two of them that they wouldn’t be able to take back easily.
“No, admit it…now that you know about me, I disgust you… so do you want a divorce now? … Is that it? … You don’t want me because I’m “damaged goods”, is that it? … Tell me, don’t try to be kind John… remember no more secrets…”
“Shut up Marlena,” John said in anger as he grabbed her face roughly and kissed her hard. Marlena was resistant to the kiss, clenching her lips tightly together, denying his tongue access. John continued his assault on her mouth, placing little kisses on along her lips, her chin and her neck. Gradually her felt her defenses weaken and her start to respond. John broke the kiss and looked deep into her eyes.
“I can’t make love to you Marlena… Not right now… I can’t… God knows that I want to more than anything … But I can’t… I will not allow you to use me as a substitute… You only want me so that you can forget about what your father did to you… I won’t allow you to use us like that…” John hurt so much for his wife. The pain that she was feeling was evident on her face.
“Fine, then I’ll see if Roman’s up to it,” Marlena said candidly.
“What did you just say?”
“If you aren’t man enough, maybe Roman is.” Marlena threw the covers off her lap and attempted to get up off the bed.
“Goddammit Marlena…stop this… stop it.” John grabbed Marlena and pulled her back onto the bed.
“Do not use your fucking body to numb your pain, Marlena… don’t do it… I’ll tell you now and I promise you… If you degrade
yourself by fucking another man, our marriage is over.”
“You did it to me,” she screamed.
“We’ve been through this already… this is different…”
“Because you say it is?”
“No because it is…look, I don’t want to fight with you Marlena… For whatever reason you seem to want to fight…I can’t do it anymore… this is too exhausting for me…”
“So, I’m not worth it? Is that what you are saying?”
“Please Marlena…you’re trying to put words in my mouth…lets not fight anymore.”
“Fine,” Marlena said as she crossed her arms protectively over her chest and stared at the open door.
“I love you honey,” John said as she stroked her back. “I love you…”
“I know you do,” Marlena mumbled. “I know you do.”
“When you’re ready to talk about your father, know that I’m here to listen… I have a lot of questions, but don’t want to push you.”
“Thanks,” Marlena said as she laid back on the bed in John’s arms. “Right now I have a killer headache…I don’t want to think or feel…I just want to be.”
Chapter 27
“Sorry to interrupt your love fest, but the pilot says we’ll be landing in about 20 minutes. The weather looks great,” Roman said as he entered the bedroom. He found John laying under the covers with Marlena, his arms wrapped protectively around her. Marlena’s eyes were open, staring up the ceiling. Upon hearing Roman’s voice, Marlena attempted to disentangle herself from John’s arms.
“I’d like to freshen up,” Marlena said as she got out of the bed and went into the small bathroom, closing the door behind her.
“Is she okay,” Roman asked John. John sat up in the bed and slowly rubbed his eyes.
“Yeah, eventually I think she’ll be okay…this is taking a lot out of her… I’ve never seen her so emotional and adamant about not talking about an issue. I do have to warn you about something Roman…Doc is in a very vulnerable place right now…too vulnerable, if you ask me…”
“And what are you getting at John?”
“I’m concerned that she might do something…look, this isn’t easy…”
“Just say it John…What are you afraid of?”
John closed his eyes before responding, wondering how he was going to say this. “Look, Marlena might proposition you…”
“What?” Roman asked as he entered the room fully. Upon realizing that his voice was rather loud and Marlena could probably hear him from the small bathroom, he whispered, “What? You think Marlena wants to sleep with me? …You’re crazy John.”
“Roman…I’m at a loss here regarding my wife… I’m not a psychiatrist… I don’t know what is normal or what’s not for someone in her condition… Her behavior has been off since she woke up with amnesia… she’s been doing things and saying things that Marlena would never have done…”
“But that shouldn’t include wanting to sleep with me?”
“Normally it shouldn’t… Look I don’t know if she will or not… I’m just asking you as my friend not to take advantage of her in her current condition.”
“John, I’d never take advantage of her like this.”
“Thanks pal… I appreciate it… please don’t mention this conversation to her… It would only embarrass her…”
“John, what happens when we get to your island? She needs psychiatric help… I’m not as confident as you are that she is suddenly going to remember and be herself once again.”
“I can’t risk North finding out where we are… I told you that man is up to no good… until I’m confident that we are safe and he can’t find us, we’ll have to be her sounding board.”
“No way John… I’m not going to play the part of the psychiatrist to my ex-wife… no way in hell. You and I both know the details on her missing years… There are things that she is eventually going to remember that I don’t want to relive. No thanks…you want to play shrink and get into her head, by all means, do it, but leave me out of it.”
“You act as if I’m getting some sort of pleasure out of this…. You think I want to relive the last 12 years with her and be with her when she recalls what an ass I was to her? You think I want her to remember that I slept with another woman on my honeymoon? … This isn’t a picnic for me either, but if it means keeping her safe, I’ll do it.”
“Do what?” Marlena asked as she came out of the bathroom.
“Nothing,” John and Roman replied at the same time.
“Whatever,” Marlena said as she rolled her eyes at both of them. “John, I assume you packed some clothes for me?”
“Uh yeah,” John said as he walked to the small closet and removed a small suitcase for her. “I had Sami pack some things for
you…. I’m not sure what she picked out, so don’t blame me if you don’t like them.”
“Sami? How is she?” Marlena asked. Although she really didn’t have any memories of Sami other than when she was a small child, Marlena still felt a connection with her oldest daughter.
“She’s doing okay,” Roman offered, looking at John for reassurance. They didn’t want to burden Marlena with the details about how poor choices always seemed to wreck any chance Sami had at happiness and stability.
“Great, I’d love to see her some time…. Eric and Sami too… I guess Isabella also…. I just don’t have any memories of her… Sorry, John…. I know that I should remember our daughter, I just don’t.”
“It’s okay Doc… In time you will… Why don’t you open the case and see what Sami has packed for you and change… We should be landing soon.”
John and Roman watched as Marlena opened the case, pulled out a clean pair of underwear and bra, a tan skirt and a white tank top.
“Doc, Roman and I will give you some privacy…We’ll be up front,” John said as he closed the door behind him.
***********************************************************************************************8
“This is beautiful John,” Marlena said as she entered the veranda of John’s Mediterranean estate. “Absolutely beautiful… I love the fact the ocean is steps away… It’s so peaceful here.” The main house sat on the end of his island, right on the beach. Classic Greek architecture was employed throughout the house, marble being used extensively on columns and the floor. The house was such a contrast from the penthouse in Salem. Although Marlena hadn’t seen the second floor, she was already in love with the house. The openness of the floor plan was inviting and made her feel safe and warm.
“I thought it would be the perfect place for a getaway with my wife,” John said as he took Marlena into his arms.
“Such the romantic,” Marlena said as she tilted her head up for a kiss. John captured his mouth with hers. She opened her mouth allowing his access.
“Uhhmmm,” Roman muttered as he entered the veranda.
“Did you have to interrupt?” John asked.
“Sorry, your intell guy is on the satellite phone…said that he needs to talk to you about something important,” Roman said to John. He mouthed the name North to John, not wanting Marlena to know what was up.
“Sorry, I have to take this Doc…I’ll be back in a few.” He kissed her briefly on the lips before leaving.
Marlena sat down in one of the oversized chairs that flanked the patio table and gestured for Roman to have a seat next to her.
“Roman, you could have said it was Alex on the phone…there is no need to try to protect me.” Marlena gingerly took the bottle of red wine out of the grey marble wine cooler and slowly opened it.
“Sorry, old habits die hard.”
“I do appreciate your need to protect me, but at times it’s rather suffocating,” Marlena said to Roman as she poured three glasses of wine.
“I’ll work on it… How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine.”
Roman laughed.
“Don’t laugh at me Roman… I’m fine… My head hurts a little…more of a dull ache than a full blown headache… other than that, I’m okay.”
“Glad to hear,” Roman picked up her hand and held it in his. “Doc, as my favorite ex-wife, I will always feel a need to protect you and make sure that you’re okay…”
“As my favorite ex-husband the feeling is mutual.” Marlena smiled at Roman. “It’s surreal to me, to be sitting her with you holding hands… in another lifetime this wouldn’t have been possible.”
“I know what you mean… I actually feel closer to you right now than I have in a long time.”
“Define long?”
“Fifteen or so years…definitely since the affair and when I left town… I sorry that you lost your memory, but I am grateful that we have been given this chance to reconnect with one another.”
“I am too Roman… You will always have a place in my heart… I don’t know the details about what our relationship, or lack thereof, was for the last 15 years…but I know that I like the way it is now… I feel like we’re back to the way we were in the past…”
“May we never lose this connection,” Roman said as he picked up a glass of red wine from the table and raised it to Marlena’s glass.
“To our renewed friendship,” Marlena toasted.
“Hey, you’re already drinking without me?” John asked as he returned.
“So where’s North?” Roman asked. Upon seeing the look of confusion on John’s face, Roman added, “She already knows.”
“Nowhere near us,” John said as he sat down at the table next to Marlena. He picked up a glass of wine and took a sip. “It seems the good doctor is frantic with worry and has filed a restraining order against me…legally I’m not supposed to be within 250 feet of you…oops,” John said as he reached over and touched Marlena on the arm. She still wasn’t close enough to him. He got up out of his chair, picked her up and set her in his lap as he sat back down. “I’d to try to see anyone keep me away from you,” John muttered into Marlena’s ear as he muzzled her neck.
“Please make out in your room, not in front of me,” Roman warned them, an evil grin on his face.
“Jealous?” John asked as he placed small kisses along Marlena’s neck.
“Hell yeah…don’t forgot that I know what’s its like holding Doc in my arms doing that exact same thing…”
“Roman,” Marlena whined in shock that he would actually say that to her when she was in John’s arms.
“Well I do…John, if you we keep it up, know that in my mind that I’m going to imagine doing that exact same thing to Doc.”
“Okay, I get it Roman… Please keep any lurid thoughts about my wife out of your head… that’s sick… I don’t think I could deal with… I may have to hurt you,” John teased Roman.
“Hello boys,” Marlena said as she leaned over and picked up her wineglass. “Please don’t talk about me like I’m not here… Roman, I love you dearly, but I don’t want you to picture me like that… It’s just wrong… And John, love of my life, please keep your hands to yourself and cut down on the caveman talk.” She took a sip of her wine and then got up at of John’s lap and walked over to the railing that overlooked the beach.
“I feel so at peace here, John… Can we stay here forever?”
“Although it’s a nice thought, we’d miss our family and friends too much…Eventually we are all going to have to go back…”
“Have I ever been here before?” Marlena asked, turning around to look at John.
“Yes.” John admitted.
“I have? When?”
“A long time ago…I bought this place around 12 years ago, we’ve visited only a couple times…I’ve been here probably twelve times maybe…”
“Why don’t we visit here more often? Why didn’t we come here on our honeymoon…it looks so lovely.”
“Doc, how do you know that we didn’t go here on our honeymoon?” John said as he got up from his chair and went over to Marlena, looking deep into her eyes for some sort of confirmation.
“I just have a feeling that we didn’t…I remember, at least I think I do, bits and pieces about our wedding…I have seem flashes of us running on a beach that looks nothing like this…”
“You’re remembering Doc…What else do you remember?” John asked her excitedly.
“Not a lot, to be honest. I wish that I remembered more… Occasionally I’ll get flashes of things that I think happened but I’m not really sure if they did or not…I remember our wedding…not all of it…just parts,” she said with a smile.
“That’s good that you’re remembering honey…take your time and try not to rush it…While we’re here I want you to just relax, you know lay by the pool, read a book…You leave the worrying to Roman and myself.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not a helpless damsel in distress that needs to be rescued…”
“I didn’t mean to imply that you were Doc.”
“John, lets not fight…I’m not some sensitive waif here…I feel like you are purposely trying to tiptoe around my feelings…You’ve been doing it since I woke up in the hospital…Roman too…. Please just treat me like you normally would… I may have lost my memory, but I’m sure that in the years I’m missing I didn’t become some over emotional woman that you both had to tiptoe around…please tell me I wasn’t.”
“You weren’t Doc,” John stated as he reached out and pulled Marlena into his arms. “I just love you so much Marlena…I want you to be well and I’m afraid that I’m going to do something or say something that’s going to prevent your memory from returning.”
“So what John… who cares… What if I never remember? Is it going to change my life from how it is now? No… so I’ll remember fewer things, big deal… I have you and that’s what counts…isn’t it.”
“Still my same old optimistic Marlena…God I’ve missed you honey.” John slowly kissed her lips, savoring the connection. Marlena slowly slid her tongue out, gently touching John’s lips, begging for access.
“Get a room,” Roman said as he got up from the table and set down his glass. Marlena and John disconnected their lips from one another and looked over at Roman.
“Sorry pal… I can’t help it.”
“I know…heard it a million times before…Don’t want to see it… John, it looks like the sun is going to set soon, are you sure this place is secure? I sure as hell don’t want to wake up with Alex North in my bed.” Roman said as he walked to the far end of the veranda and checked out the view.
“Positive… ISA installed the latest in security technology…If anyone approaches the island, we’ll know well beforehand…Just to be safe, I will show both of you where the panic rooms are located in case something were to happen.”
“John, Alex wouldn’t hurt me…why the need for such security?” Marlena asked.
“I don’t know that and you don’t know that…I don’t trust the man… Until I know more about him and what he wants I’m going to assume that he is armed and dangerous.”
“You love this cops and robbers thing don’t you?” Marlena asked.
“Yeah I do… I just wish that it wasn’t you I was trying to protect but part of my job.”
“So Rambo, want to show me around,” Marlena whispered seductively to John as Roman looked away.
Chapter 28
Marlena tossed and turned in the large four-post canopied bed. She couldn’t find a comfortable position to sleep in, no matter how hard she tried. She knew that her sleeplessness was a direct result of the fight that she and John had about their sleeping arrangements. John had insisted that she sleep in the master bedroom and that he would sleep in the adjoining suite. She wanted to share a room and a bed with him but he refused stating that he needed to get some sleep so that he would be better prepared to protect her. Marlena knew deep down that he was avoiding her and it pissed her off. In retrospect, she had to admit that she hadn’t been kind with her words and had said some cruel and hurtful things to John that she would never be able to take back.
After what seemed like hours of tossing and turning, Marlena got up out of bed and made her way into the large walk-in closet. She needed to get out of the house or she was going to go insane. She needed to get away from John and Roman and their over protectiveness. She hated that her every move was studied and analyzed. Why couldn’t they see that they were making things worse for her than Alex North? Alex wanted to protect her and help her. John and Roman wanted to protect her and keep her helpless. She has seen their stares and had walked in on conversations they seemed to be having about her. Deep down they probably both got some sort of pleasure playing her protector. She wasn’t a doll that they got to take down from the shelf and play with and at the end of the day put away so that it would be safe…But that’s how she felt. Everything about her life was beginning to look like it was controlled and programmed. The walk-in closet was full of clothes that John had selected, or at least she assumed that he had. The toiletries in the bathroom and even her toothbrush were things that he picked out. Everything in the room was something that he selected. Nothing in the room belonged to her. Everything was John’s. All John Blacks. He probably sees me as a belonging of his too. She needed to get out, away from all things John Black. The more she looked around and the more she thought about their fight, the madder she got. I hate him. I fucking hate him. She tore through the closet looking for something that he hadn’t selected. Shirt after shirt was pulled off the hanger and thrown onto the floor. Shoes, pants and undergarments soon followed. Where in the hell is the stuff Sami packed. She looked in vain in the room and couldn’t find the suitcase. Wait, where are the clothes I changed into on the plane…Sami picked those out…Damn the maid must have taken them.
The more Marlena looked, the more frantic she became. She tore the covers and sheets off the bed looking for something that didn’t belong to John. I hate John…I’m not some toy of his…I’m his wife… He needs to start treating me like one. Marlena pulled the drawers out of the dressers and dumped all the contents on the floor. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and slowly removed her wedding band followed by her nightclothes…He had picked it out. Why does he get to pick everything out…why is everything about John fucking Black?
She needed to get out of the suffocating room. The more she looked around, the more stuff she saw that belonged to him. She was gasping for air by the time she left the room.
**************************************************************************************************
John woke up with a start, hearing the sound of the alarm. He ran into Marlena’s room to see if she was okay, immediately noticing that the door was slightly ajar.
“Marlena,” he said as he tentatively pushed the door open. Roman followed him into
the room.
“Holy shit,” Roman said as soon as he saw the condition of the room. The mattress was on the floor, all covers removed. The drapes ripped down, dresser drawers removed.
John walked into the bathroom and saw that all the toiletries had been dumped into the large marble in ground tub. The closet wasn’t in much better condition.
“Where the hell is Doc?” Roman asked.
“My guess is that she had some sort of panic attack and did this…we need to find her,” John said as he surveyed the extent of the damage. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the sparkle of a diamond and realized that it was her wedding ring. “God dammit,” he said as he bent down and picked it up.
“Let’s go find her,” Roman said as he watched John put the ring into his pinky finger.
“Roman, you take the west side of the island and I’ll take the east…call me on the walkie talkie if you see or hear anything,” John said as he retrieved two walkie-talkies from his room and threw one at Roman.
Approximately a half-mile from the house Roman found Marlena huddled in a cave, arms wrapped around herself, crying.
“Doc,” Roman said as he slowly approached her.
“Leave me alone,” she cried out, not looking up.
“Are you okay?” He asked as he moved closer to her. The visibility was poor and Roman had to strain to see Marlena through the darkness and mist.
“I’m fine,” she weakly replied.
“Liar.” Roman moved closer to her. He was somewhat stunned when he realized that she didn’t have on any clothes. “Mar, where are your clothes?”
“They were suffocating me…I needed to take them off…Where is he?” she asked.
“Looking for you…I need to let John know that you’re safe.”
“NO,” she yelled, looking up at him with a tear stained face. “No, I am begging you, please just go away and forget that you saw me here…please Roman.”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that… John is worried sick about you… I need to let him know that you’re okay.” Roman moved closer to Marlena and realized that she was shivering from the cold.
“Why is everything about John?” She cried out, her voice echoing in cove.
“It’s not…He’s your husband, he’s worried about you.”
“Please Roman… If I ever meant anything to you, you won’t tell John…Just go back to the house and forgot that you saw me… Please.”
“Mar, would you mind telling me why you don’t want John to know where you are?”
“Why is everything about him?”
“It’s not Marlena… lets talk about you,” Roman said as he slowly pressed the talk button in on the walkie talkie hoping that John could hear their conversation and would find them.
“I don’t want to talk… I want you to go away and leave me alone… I’ve done enough talking…”
“Let me give you my shirt,” Roman said as he leaned forward to take it off.
“No, I don’t want your shirt…I don’t want to talk…I just want to be left alone… Please just go, I’ll be okay.”
“Mar, please let me be here with you.”
“Roman, please leave me alone.”
“No, I can’t do that… It’s cold and you’re naked… I’m not leaving you alone out here.”
“Nothing is going to happen… didn’t you hear, the great, wealthy, all powerful John Black has employed the latest security techniques… No one can get in and no one can leave without the mighty John Black knowing…Well fuck you John Black.” Marlena laid down in the cave on her side, wishing that Roman would go away. “Go away.”
“No.”
“You are so annoying,” Marlena said as she sat up and faced him, not bothering to cover herself.
“Come back with me to the house and I’ll leave you alone.”
“I’m not going back there… It’s his house, his things, his way… I’m sick of it… I want to go back to Salem.”
“It’s not safe for you there Marlena… you know that.”
“Safe is a relative word Roman… We could be here forever… Yes, John fucking Black will be able to dictate our every move for who knows how long… I just want to go home… Is that too much to ask?”
“Why are you so mad at John?” Roman finally asked. He took his T-shirt off and handed it to her. She threw it back at him. “I want my own stuff, not something that belongs to someone else.”
“He’s your husband…”
“So you keep saying…so does he…please just go Roman.”
“It’s not going to happen Doc so you may as well stop asking me… God, Mar… please let me help you…you’re all over the place…”
“You can’t help me,” Marlena said as she rested her head on her arms. Her arms were wrapped protectively around her legs. “I don’t know what’s wrong me Roman… I love John, but he’s suffocating me… I want to be with him, but at the same time I don’t… At times I look at him and hate him… God, that’s so wrong of me and sounds pathetic.”
“No, you’re just being honest… Where is all this rage in you coming from Marlena?” Roman took his shirt and put it around her shoulders. She didn’t resist.
“I don’t know… I honestly don’t and that’s what scares me… I’m terrified that subconsciously I’m acting this way because of something John did to me in the last 13 years…that scares me Roman… At times I feel such anger towards him, most of it unwarranted, or is it?”
“I don’t know what to tell you Doc.”
“Your silence speaks volumes Roman.”
“It’s not meant to, so please don’t take it that way.”
“You know in all the years we were married, I was never this pissed off at you for anything… Why do you think that is? … Never mind, I don’t want to know… Could you please leave me alone?”
“It’s not going to happen, so you may as well stop asking…Doc, how do you know Alex North?”
“He’s my psychiatrist…”
“Before he came to Salem? How did you know him?”
“Why do you think I knew him?”
“Just a hunch… I’ve always been able to read you fairly well Mar… Did you go to medical school with him?”
“It’s complicated Roman. I didn’t go to medical school with him, but I know him.”
“Why didn’t you tell John?”
“Why would I? This is going to sound odd, but when I woke up in the hospital I didn’t know it was him… It wasn’t until he took me up to his cabin that I realized who he was.”
“Is Alex North even his name?”
“No… and I’m not going to tell you what it is either… Look, have I given you enough information, will you leave now?” Marlena continued to hold her legs looking down at the dirt ground.
“No.”
“I’m so tired of this Roman… I need a drink,” Marlena said as she slowly stood up.
“Mar, please put on my shirt,” Roman said as he bent down and picked the shirt up off the dirt floor.
“No… I’m fine… I really am Roman… I appreciate your concern, I do… I’m glad that you’re here on the island with me now… I’m not really in the mood to talk right now…Sorry.” Marlena started walking toward the house with Roman following her.
“Marlena, there you are?” John said out of breath. “I was worried sick out about you… Are you okay.” John tried to pull Marlena into his arms but was met with resistance.
“As I just told Roman, I’m fine… I just need to be alone, away from you, away from this.” She gestured toward the large estate that could be seeing glowing in the distance.
“Please put on my shirt,” John said as he started to take his shirt off.
“NO,” she yelled at him. Roman and John were both getting on her nerves. Their over protectiveness was really annoying her.
“No, I want to wear Roman’s shirt…not yours.”
“Come on Doc…take my shirt.”
“No, Roman’s”
“John, let her take my shirt…or else she is going to stand out here naked all night and get sick…do you want that?”
“No, please stop looking at my wife.” John looked over at Roman and gave him a warning.
“Good god John…I was married to her…I’ve seen it all before.” Roman realized that he was going to go stark raving mad if he had to put up with John and Marlena and their issues for much longer. For two people that were so smart and together he didn’t get how they could be so stubborn and clueless.
“Why his shirt Marlena? Tell me that much?” John asked. Roman rolled his eyes. Out of everything that Marlena had disclosed, when it came down to it John was jealous of any perceived attention Marlena paid to another man. He wished that a bolt of lightening would strike him dead so that he could escape the ensuing typhoon called John and Marlena.
“Because it’s his not yours…I feel safe with Roman, I always have… Roman has seen the worst in me and will always be my friend…I know that whatever life throws me he’ll be there for me… The way I feel about you is different. You have expectations… He doesn’t…he is content to just let me be me, you don’t… you want me to always be something, someone… I’m tired of living up to that… I don’t feel safe with you…I’m sorry I don’t… When I’m with you I’m scared…” Marlena took Roman’s shirt out of his hand and put it on. Roman left Marlena and John alone, walking back up to the house. He was in desperate need of a stiff drink.
“Scared of what?”
“Scared that I won’t be able to be who you expect me to be.”
“That’s ridiculous Doc…I love you… I want to protect you.”
“It has nothing to do with you John … this is about me… I would love to be what you want me to be, but I’m not and can’t be…
“I expect you to be you…that’s all Doc… I don’t expect you to be anyone else… I’m sorry if you have the impression that I want something more… look, it’s getting cold out here, please come back to the house with me.” John reached out to take her hand.
“Please Marlena.”
“Fine, but you need to understand that if I go back with you it doesn’t meant that this is over. This is far from over John…I want a divorce.”
Chapter 29
Sixteen long weeks had passed on the island. 112 days. 6,720 minutes. 403,200 seconds. John spent most of his time talking to Roman or patrolling the grounds, making sure that Alex North was nowhere near. John kept in constant contact with ISA, almost on an hourly basis. He needed something to do to take his mind off of Marlena; keeping her safe seemed to work. Alex had tracked them down to the Mediterranean Ocean, but had yet to pinpoint their location. John wasn’t sure how much longer they would be able to stay there before they were forced to move. Marlena was turning out to be the unknown variable in the equation, not Alex. Alex was somewhat predictable. John knew what Alex wanted, just not why. Marlena was a whole other matter. Her emotions and actions were all over the place. One minute she would be loving and kind, the next hateful and rude.
One minute she would try seduce him and then in the middle of her seduction change her mind and become scared of John. John was beginning to rethink his whole plan of bringing her to the island and forcing her to deal with her past. Marlena seemed to be getting worse. Had John and Roman unlocked a hidden demon inside of Marlena? Unless they got her some help soon, it may be too late to save her.
John watched Marlena from the balcony of his suite. He could see her laying out on the chaise lounge chair next to the pool, her toned body tanned a golden brown. The black one-piece suit she wore was tasteful and covered her well. John wished that he could go down and talk to her, but she had made it very clear during the last four months that she wanted very little to do with him. The night she had asked for a divorce was the turning point. He had been optimistic that she would get her memory back and things would be the same between them. Things quickly escalated from tolerable to bad to worse. Each passing day she picked fights with him over insignificant things. When there was nothing left that she could argue with him about she stopped eating meals with him and Roman, and finally stopped talking to him. For the past two months John had seen little of Marlena. She seemed to be getting her needed companionship from Roman. Thankfully, each night Roman would fill him in on what was going on with Marlena. If Marlena wouldn’t talk to him, at least Roman was able to. John was jealous as hell, but there was nothing he could really do about it.
John was still stunned and puzzled by her demand for a divorce. He felt that he had no choice but to comply with her wishes and had Mickey Horton file the papers in absentia. John knew that as the days passed, the date of the divorce drew nearer. As he sat watching her he wondered how he could undo what had been done. Would telling her about our past and forcing her to remember help her? Would she be even more pissed at me? He needed to get through to her. Was it possible to undo the past, when he didn’t really even know the real reason she wanted a divorce. He decided that he needed to try to talk to her and see if this could be stopped.
*******************************************
“Marlena, can we talk?” John asked as he approached her slowly, not wanting to scare her. She quickly sat up and pulled her towel protectively around herself.
“I don’t see that there is anything left for us to talk about,” Marlena said coldly. She picked up the book she had been reading and looked down at it, hoping that John would get the hint and go away.
“Marlena please…. Look, I’m sorry if I offended you in some way… I can’t keep going on like this… Tell me what I can do to fix this…whatever it is, I’ll do…You can’t ignore me forever.” John sat down on the chair next to her.
“John, I don’t want to be rude and hurt your feelings, I really don’t… This isn’t something you can fix, I’m not someone you can fix.”
“I can’t believe that Doc… I can’t accept that… Just tell me what I need to do to make us right again and I’ll do it… I don’t want to lose you Doc,” John begged, tears forming in his eyes.
“It’s too late… This is over… We are over…Accept it John…Nothing you can do or say is going to make me change my mind… I can’t get out of this marriage fast enough and I wish that you’d stop having delusions about us reuniting… It’s not going to happen. Accept it… I do not want you… Deal with it and get the hell out of my life.” Her voice was cold and devoid of emotion.
John was stunned that Marlena actually thought that. He had a sense that Marlena was not well, but he didn’t think that she would ever stoop so low as to say such an insensitive and hurtful thing to him. “You know, I’ve tried, I really have. For the past four months you’ve been nothing but a bitch to me. I’ve put up with it because I love you and you’re my wife…No more… In ten days the divorce will be final and once the divorce is final, you’re free to go. If you want to go back to Salem, fine. But until that happens, you’re legally my responsibility…”
“I can’t wait,” Marlena interrupted, as she looked up at him, her face expressionless.
“When did you become such a bitch?” John asked, fed up with her and her nonchalant attitude. She stared at him. He saw his reflection in her mirrored sun glasses. “I love you Marlena, I always will… But I can’t live like this anymore. You won’t talk to the therapist that I flew in, you won’t talk to me…You’re hell bent on destroying our relationship and yourself for whatever reason…I can’t sit by and watch the woman that I love do that…I just can’t.” John walked away, not noticing the tears that slipped down underneath the lenses of her sunglasses. “You are the only one that has the power to hurt me and I can’t let you do that…I’m so sorry for doing this to you John,” she whispered. “I love you more than you’ll ever know…I’ll always love you… But I can’t be with you now, not until I settle some things…I hope in time you learn to forgive me for what I have done and am about to do.”
********************************************
“Where’s Marlena?” Roman asked as he sat down at the oversized dining room table for dinner.
“Avoiding me once again…I assume,” John replied as he gestured for the servant to start serving the meal. “Soon this will be all over and we can go home…Thank god.”
“What about North? Won’t he still be a threat?” Roman asked as he picked up his fork.
“I’m sure he will be but there’s not a damn thing that I can do,” John said as he cut into his steak. “In ten days Doc will be my ex-wife…I’ll be there for her if she needs me, but that’s it…the ball is in her court now… If she wants to stop acting like this and treat me like a human being, she knows where to find me…I’m sick and tired of trying to reach her…no more.”
“I can’t believe you’re giving up…That’s not the John Black that I know. You both love each other, its plain to see. Why are you both pursuing this divorce, when I don’t think its what either of you wants.”
“Good question, my friend… Sometimes love isn’t enough…This is what Doc wants and supposedly needs. It’s futile to fight her on this. She’s made it clear that she can’t wait to get me out of her life and move on…I’m tired of fighting with her.”
“Have you told Belle yet?” Roman asked.
“No, and I’m not going to. Marlena is the one that wants the divorce, she can tell our daughter and friends. Belle’s going to be devastated and the hell if I’m going to be the one that breaks her heart.”
“Marlena is not herself John.”
“I know Roman, but I’m at a loss here as to how to make things rights…Everything I do or say seems to make it much worse.”
“You have to talk to her again John…If you don’t and you go through with this divorce, you’re going to regret it…Look at me as an example, I walked out on the best thing that ever happened to me…All because of my stupid pride… I was a given a second chance at happiness with Doc and I threw it away John… I fucking threw it away and for what? Man, if that divorce goes through its over and any chance you might have had with her is gone… I know how her mind works… She’ll compartmentalize you as an ex of hers and move on… Ask me, ask Don… Once she’s gone, she’s gone.”
“You’re right Roman…I’m going to talk to her.”
Chapter 30
John ran up the stairs taking the steps by two. He couldn’t get to Marlena’s room fast enough, but at the same time was dreading what he was going to say. What was he going to say? What profound statement of undying love, devotion and adoration would make her suddenly change her mind and realize what a colossal mistake she was making? He wasn’t sure he would be able to come up with something new that would reach her when everything he tried so far hadn’t.
“Doc I need to talk to you,” John said as he banged on her bedroom door. The direct approach would have to work.
“Go away,” she yelled from the other side. John could barely hear her.
“No, open the door or I’ll break it down.” John was serious, mad and determined. This was his marriage on the line and he wasn’t going to let his life slip away without trying.
“I said go away,” Marlena yelled a little louder. She sounded pissed off.
“No, you’re going to talk to me one way or another,” John yelled back as he continued banging on the door. “Dammit Marlena, I just want to talk… Is that too much to ask?”
“I made it clear John, I want you to leave me alone.”
“No,” John said, as he took a running start toward the door, his left shoulder forward.
Marlena heard the sound of wood breaking as John’s shoulder made contact with the door.
“Stop it,” she screamed from the other side of the door. “I’ll let you in.” John heard the unclick of the lock followed by the sound of the door slowly opening. Marlena glared at him though the thin crack. “What do you want?” she asked coldly. John could see that her eyes were red and puffy as if she had been crying recently.
“You, I want you,” John answered honestly. Once he said it, he realized that it was probably the wrong thing to say to her at the moment, but it was too late. This was Marlena he was fighting for.
“I’m not a possession, something to be had,” she answered softly.
“I never thought that you were Doc.” John slowly pushed his foot into the small crack in the door that Marlena had left open.
Marlena gasped at the mention of the name Doc. “Please don’t call me that… Not now… I can’t be that person to Roman or to you…”
“Okay, Marlena… I just want to talk with you…”
“So talk,” Marlena interrupted.
“Can I come in?”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Please Marlena…I just want to talk, that’s all…”
Marlena stared at John blankly wondering what to do. Part of her wanted to let him in her room and let him convince her that this divorce was a bad idea. How could she look the best thing that had ever happened to her in the eye and tell him that it was over and that there was no chance of reconciliation. How could she purposely break his heart all over again? She may be a great actress but she wasn’t that cruel. The longer she spent away from him the harder it became to keep up this charade on not wanting him, hating him. From her talks with Roman she knew that John was devastated by the divorce, as devastated as she was. How was she going to get through this?
“Please Marlena, for old times sake?” John pleaded upon sensing her hesitation.
“Okay, but not in here… give me five minutes and I’ll meet you down on the veranda.” She immediately regretted her decision but it was too late to take it back. John slowly removed his foot from the crack in the door. “Thanks Marlena, you won’t regret it.”
Marlena slowly closed the door and leaned against it for support. “I already have,” she cried as she fell to the floor sobbing. After a couple of minutes, Marlena was able to compose herself enough to get up off the floor. Glancing at the clock, she realized that she only had a couple of minutes to get ready before John would be back up knocking on the door, wondering if she’d changed her mind.
Marlena made her way to the bathroom, glancing briefly at herself in the mirror. When she arrived on the island she could at least make the claim that she looked somewhat healthy and happy…now, she just looked there, someone just occupying space and breathing air. The psychiatrist in her wondered if others saw what she did when she looked in the mirror. Quickly glancing away at the image that haunted her, she turned on the faucet and grabbed a washcloth. Liberal use of concealor, powder and mascara and a quick brush of her hair left her looking more presentable and alive. She grabbed an oversized sweatshirt out of the closet and put on. She was ready to face John.
____________________________________________
John immediately smiled when she entered the veranda. She still looked as beautiful as ever. To the casual observer, Marlena looked like she had not a care in the world. To those that knew and loved her, from her overuse of make-up, body language and choice of clothing, it was obvious that she was anything but.
Marlena sat down at the table across from John.
“Would you like something to drink?” John asked.
“Some water please,” she asked, not quite looking up at him
John motioned for the servant to bring her a glass of water. “Where’s Roman?” Marlena asked, looking around. John closed his eyes briefly before responding. “I assume he’s somewhere around here, why?”
“Just wondering,” Marlena softly replied as she played with the hem on the cuffs of her sweatshirt. John recognized that the shirt was his, he wondered if she knew it was.
“So how have you been Marlena?” John asked trying to keep the conversation neutral.
“Fine.”
“Just fine?”
“Fine.”
“It’s beautiful here this time of year, don’t you think?”
“Lovely.” She was looking down at the table when she responded to him. This was not going as he hoped it would.
“Marlena, please talk to me… I’m not going to hurt you…”
“I just don’t feel like talking right now, okay?” Marlena interrupted John. She couldn’t deal with him talking about emotions and the like. Not now. Everything was too raw for her right now. She didn’t have it in her to keep up the charade tonight. Deep down she was terrified that when he looked at her he would be able to see Julie, the ugly child that no one wanted, and that he would abandon her like everyone else had. She was terrified that she would disgust him, that he would decide that the wife of the great John Black couldn’t possibly be someone like her. She wasn’t worthy. She wasn’t clean enough. She was tainted. Her soul was black. She could take him rejecting her for any other reason, but not that, not for who she was. Her father taught her well, hurt them before they hurt you. And so she did.
“If you don’t want to talk, I will… There are some things that I want to say to you… Look, this isn’t easy for me, laying it all out on the line like this. I’m not the best at discussing my feelings, you know that… But I can and that’s something you taught me Marlena… I don’t want this divorce. I don’t. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life… You complete me as a person…. I know that we aren’t on the best terms right now, hell you have barely said a word to me for the past couple months…Is there something I did or said to you to make you want this? If so, I’m truly sorry Marlena…” John got up and walked over to the railing and looked out over the ocean. “I brought you here hoping that you’d get your memory back…and I knew I could keep you safe while that happened…. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would drive you further away from me… Can’t we just go back to where we were before? Can’t we try again Marlena? Please?” John looked over at Marlena. She was sitting calmly in her chair; her knees pulled up under her sweatshirt and her arms around them.
“It’s over John,” Marlena said as she lowered her head onto her knees.
“I can’t accept that, I can’t…. What gives you the right to take 20 fucking years of happiness and flush it down the toilet…. What gives you the right to do that? Don’t I get a say too?” John was livid with her. Why did she get to make the decision? Why did he ever go along with her on the divorce?
“Please let me go John…let me go,” Marlena said softly, tears streaming down her face.
“I can’t Marlena, I can’t,” John said as he sat down beside her.
“I need for you to let me go,” Marlena cried.
“I need you in my life Marlena…I need you… I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else… I can’t let you go, I can’t… Please don’t ask me to…” John was openly crying now beside Marlena.
“If you love me as much as you say you do then you’ll let me go… I’m not saying that we’ll be apart forever, just for now. I need this for me John. Ever since I woke up with amnesia I’ve felt like I was falling… I don’t know how to stop falling…. As time goes on the feeling gets worse… I wish to God that someone would catch me…. I just want it to stop,” Marlena was openly sobbing, the pain she had been feeling for months evident on her face.
“Let me catch you,” John said tenderly as he took her hand in her his. “Let me catch you.”
Chapter 31
“Let me catch you,” John said tenderly as he took her hand in her his. “Let me catch you Marlena.”
“John, if it were only that simple,” Marlena said as she pulled her hand out of his grasp, and wiped the tears from her face. She needed to keep herself together. She couldn’t fall apart on John.
“It can be that simple Doc…All you need to do is believe in me, believe in us.”
“Please let me go John,” she repeated once again.
“I can’t Doc…I can’t let you walk out of my life…we’re stronger together than apart, don’t you know that by now,” John said as he wiped the tears out of his eyes.
“Logically yes, emotionally no…I have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts going through my head right now…I need time John.” How could she make him understand that this wasn’t about him, she wasn’t trying to hurt him,
“I’ll give you all the time you need Doc, but please no divorce. If you need time alone, you’ve got it. I’ll do anything but give you a divorce.”
“Please John…let me go… I know you don’t want a divorce, but its what I need…please try to understand that.” How many times was she going to have to ask him to let her go before he was going to?
“But why Doc…Tell me why?” He was beyond frustrated with her and yet at the same time desperate. He had a sinking feeling that this would be the last conversation that they had on this topic.
“I can’t,” she honestly replied.
“Can’t or won’t?” John sat forward in his chair, needing to be close to Marlena.
“Can’t…look, I can’t explain it…I feel such a connection to you John…I do. But I have no memories of being married to you…I remember our time together when we thought you are Roman, but nothing else…I’d love to be able to tell you that I remember my life as Marlena Evans Black, but I don’t…Please don’t make me live my life as her, when I have absolutely no idea who she is… I’m not her John…I’m not.”
“She’s you Doc…you are her… you talk as if you are two separate people.”
“I am John, don’t you see that? Inside of me I feel like I am two separate people…Everyone wants me to regain my memories, but you are forcing me to live in the past to do it…I don’t want to live in the past…I need to move forward and I can’t do that now…I want to live in the present John…You are not in my present, sorry…” She couldn’t look at him, she didn’t want to see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes she was sure that would be there.
“Let me help you Doc…I want to help you.”
“Don’t you see that you can’t…I’m not someone you can fix.” Marlena felt a headache coming on. She wanted the conversation to end. She wanted John not to fight the divorce. She wanted and needed him to be her friend. She wanted a lot of things, but wasn’t optimistic that she would get any of them,
“You act as if you’re some broken toy that can’t be fixed and that I should throw you away, discard you…I can’t Doc, I can’t.”
“I am broken John… My mind is broken, face it.”
“It’s not hopeless, its not…whatever help you need, I’ll get it for you.”
“The best thing that you could do for me, the most selfless thing you could do would be to let me go…Please John, I’m begging you…Let me go…Give me this divorce.”
“I can’t Doc…I’m not ready to give you up.”
“It’s what I need for you to do for me John, for me…Please let me go.”
“I can’t lose you Doc.”
“I don’t want to part on bad terms with you John, I don’t…. Please don’t end this, end us, on a bad note. Please let me go…walk away while there still is an us. I’m not closing the door on us in the future John, please don’t think that I am…. I need you in my life, I need you John…Just not as my husband right now.”
“So we’ll separate for awhile… I’ll give you some space.” That seemed like a good solution to John.
“No,” Marlena interrupted. “No, we’ve already discussed this…for there to be an us in the future, there needs to be an end to us now.”
“This is breaking my heart Doc.” John said as he watched Marlena take her wedding and engagement ring off of her finger and set in on the table. “I’m in a no-win situation here. I let you go and I lose the best thing that has ever happened to me…I force you to stay in this marriage and I lose you. I LOSE YOU EITHER WAY,” John yelled as he held up his hands in defeat. “I lose you…god after everything that we’ve been through never did I think that the end of us would be the result of our own doing… I thought we were stronger…Guess I was wrong.”
Marlena sat silently hugging her legs. She hurt so much inside, she was barely cognizant of John’s discourse on the breakdown of their marriage. What began as a dull ache in her left temporal lobe, soon became a shooting pain. Marlena grabbed her head, holding it still, wishing for the pain to stop.
“Doc, Doc, are you alright?” John asked as he knelt down on the tile floor in front of her. Marlena’s eyes were clenched shut.
“I’ll be okay,” she said weakly. “I just need to lay down.”
“Here, let me help you,” John said as he attempted to pick Marlena up.
“Oh God,” she moaned in pain. “Please stop…please stop.”
“Let me get the doctor,” John said as he pulled his cell phone out.
“No, I’ll be okay…just a headache…I’ll be okay.” Marlena slowly stood up, holding her head trying to keep the pain under control.
“Let me help you to your room, “ John offered.
“No, I’ll be okay…I appreciate your concern…If you’d like, come and check on me later,” Marlena offered hoping that John would be distracted by her offer.
“If you insist,” John said as he sat down in the chair and watched Marlena slowly make her way out of the room. It took a significant amount of self control not to follow her up to her room.
Marlena barely made it to her room when the pain became unbearable. She could barely see, only shadows visible. Marlena felt the bile rising in her throat with each pound in her head. She grabbed the cordless phone from its cradle as she made her way into the bathroom. A sharp pain in her head, rendered Marlena incapacitated as she fell to her knees dropping the phone. She violently vomited all over herself and the floor.
As she reached blindly for the phone, she saw memories of her past flash before her like a slideshow out of sequence. Marlena felt the sting of the belt as her father hit her with it…she felt the terror of not knowing how many times she was going to be hit by him that time. She saw herself arguing with John about something and her slapping him across the face hard….she felt the anger and hate that she felt towards him in that instance….she felt the sting of the slap on the palm of her hand. She saw herself floating above her bed in an ethereal fashion…she felt the sensation of the weightlessness and the absolute freedom she felt in that moment. She saw herself giving birth in a cabin with John by her side…she felt the incredible pain in her pelvis as she gave birth to a new life. She saw herself running away from her mother, arms and legs black and blue…she felt the throbbing above her left eye, the blood running down her small tear stained face. She saw herself standing out in the snow, hiding from her father… she felt the chill of the wind against her bare arms, felt the coldness of the snow beneath her bare feet. She saw herself being held prisoner on some island, drugged and restrained….she felt the terror as the nurse administered the drug cocktail that kept her in a twilight state. She saw her mother floating dead in the lake, her body bloated and decaying….she felt the joy that at least one of her tormentors was gone. She saw herself being held down by Kellam Chandler…she felt him enter her roughly. She saw herself being held down by her father…she smelled the alcohol on his breath and felt the calluses on his hands as they made their way across her body. She saw herself being held down by John…she felt him enter her roughly.
Bile rose up in her throat as she vomited again. The slideshow in her mind played faster and faster. Marlena brought her hands to her head and grabbed it, trying to stop the memories, trying to make everything stop. She vomited again, and again and again. When there was nothing left in her stomach, she started dry heaving. In desperation she grabbed the phone and dialed a familiar number. “It’s Julie, I need you…It’s happening again,” Marlena said before she passed out.
Chapter 32
The house was eerily quiet as John made his way up the staircase. He had an uneasy feeling that something was wrong, very wrong. For the last hour he sat on the veranda contemplating, evaluating whether or not he should go and check on Marlena. With her bizarre, out of character behavior for the last couple months he didn’t want to push her or annoy her. The hallway was dark and silent as he made his way down to her room. He paused outside the door, placing his ear against the wooden frame, hoping to hear her moving around inside. Dead silence.
“Doc, can I come in?” John said as he knocked on the bedroom door. “Doc, are you okay?” John continued knocking after receiving no answer. Roman peeked his head out from his doorway to see what the commotion was.
“What’s going on?” Roman asked as he slowly approached John. He looked at his watch to see what time it was. “John, it’s almost midnight…Marlena is probably sleeping.”
“Maybe, but I need to make sure she’s alright. She had a migraine earlier and came up to rest. I told her that I’d check on her. She might be sleeping, but for my own piece of mind, I’d like to at least know that she’s okay.” John put his hand on the knob and was grateful to find that the door was unlocked.
John slowly opened the door, immediately overcome by the smell of the room. All the lights in the room were on. “Doc, where are you?” John asked loudly, looking around the room frantically. He noticed that she was not asleep in the bed. Roman followed John into the room.
“Marlena,” John gasped as he found her on the floor of the bathroom. Roman looked on in horror. Marlena lay lifeless on the floor face down, phone in hand. Roman could hear the faint beeping of the dialtone. John knelt down beside her, checking for a pulse. “Thank god,” he muttered when he found one. He slowly turned her over.
“Oh Marlena,” he said with love and concern as he brushed her vomit encrusted locks away from her face. “Oh Doc, what’s wrong with you?”
“John, maybe we should call a doctor…she doesn’t look good to me. Do you think it’s the migraine?” Roman asked as he took in the scene. Vomit was everyone. Roman had to fight his automatic instinct to gag.
“I’m not sure…Could you get me a washcloth please and help me get her cleaned up…I don’t want anyone to see her like this…she wouldn’t want that,” John responded as he stroked Marlenas face gently, wishing that she would wake up.
“Sure,” Roman said as he got up from the floor and walked into the bedroom. He grabbed some clean clothes for Marlena and walked back into the bathroom.
“Come on Doc, come back to me…I love you and need you, honey….I can’t do this without you,” John whispered to Marlena as Roman helped him remove Marlena’s dirty shirt. “Whatever we may have said to each other in anger in the past doesn’t matter….I just need you to be well…please wake up and be okay…It’s you and me together for the long haul…If you’re not beside me, I don’t know what I’d do…please open your eyes and be okay.” John slowly cleaned her face and hair with the washcloth.
Roman continued his task of removing Marlena’s shoes and socks. He was revolted by the contrast of the situation. Vomit was everyone and the room stunk, but there John was, whispering words of adoration and love to an unconscious woman oblivious to the mess. Roman just wanted to call the doctor and maid.
“Doc, remember that time when we took Belle and Brady on a cruise… you had planned this perfect family vacation for us, down to the last detail…Belle came down with step throat and Brady had an ear infection…It didn’t deter you for giving us the perfect vacation…you arranged with the cruise line to bring some of the kids programming to the room so that the kids wouldn’t miss it…They still talk about it today as being their favorite family vacation….I want more of those with you Doc.” John continued to stroke her face with the washcloth.
Roman noticed that John seemed so transfixed by her that he was aware of little else. Roman slowly removed her pants and replaced them with a pair of sweatpants that he guessed belonged to John.
“John, maybe you should take her to the bed and call the doctor,” Roman said surveying the scene.
“Oh,” John said, shaken out of his reverie. “Please call the doctor.” John slowly lifted his wife, making sure that her head was support against his chest, as he carried her to the large bed.
“What happened?” Marlena asked as she slowly opened her eyes. The brightness of the light made it hard for her to focus. She raised her hands over her eyes, trying to block out the light.
“Doc, welcome back to the land of the living,” Roman said as he sat down on the bed next to Marlena, relieved that she was finally awake.
“What happened?” Marlena weakly asked, looking around the room.
“You passed out…John’s out in the hall talking with the doctor…he should be back in here in a couple of minutes.”
“Oh god,” Marlena said as she grabbed her head in pain. The slideshow in her head started again. She saw herself arguing with John about something and her slapping him across the face hard….she felt the anger and hate that she felt towards him in that instance….she felt the sting of the slap on the palm of her hand. She saw herself standing out in the snow, hiding from her father… she felt the chill of the wind against her bare arms, felt the coldness of the snow beneath her bare feet. She saw herself being held prisoner on some island, drugged and restrained….she felt the terror as the nurse administered the drug cocktail that kept her in a twilight state. She saw herself being held down by John. “Stop,” Marlena said loudly as she shook her head violently trying to stop the images and feelings.
“Doc, you want me to call the doctor back in…hold on let me get him,” Roman said as he got up from the bed.
“No…please don’t…I’ll be okay…Just a headache…I just need some rest and I’ll be okay.” Marlena laid back down on the large down pillow and closed her eyes, arm placed over her forehead. With time, she’d be okay.
“You don’t look okay to me…Mar, I know you’re not okay… How far along are you?” Roman asked as he laid down next to her on the bed and lifted her arm so that he could see her eyes. He wasn’t going to let her avoid this question. Marlena closed her eyes and breathed in deeply before responding. “How did you find out?”
“I helped John change your clothes earlier.”
Marlena paused before responding to Roman, her fingers slowly rubbing her temples. “Men…Even when I am on my death bed, both you and John still want answers…John…Does he know?”
“I don’t think so…I didn’t say anything to him…I didn’t know if he knew and you didn’t want me to know…so I didn’t say anything.”
“Thank you for not saying anything.” Things were not going according to plan. She felt like crap; her head hurt, she was sick to her stomach, mentally and physically exhausted and all John and Roman wanted her to do was to talk.
“So back to my original question. How far along are you Marlena?” Roman laid on his pillow, his head propped on his hand, watching her.
“I’m not sure…I don’t know…I’m a doctor, I should know but I don’t. I estimate being at least 18 weeks along but I can’t be sure. Please, I am begging you, please do not say anything to John about this.” She didn’t want to be having this conversation, but knew that Roman wasn’t going to let it go.
“John is your husband, you need to let him know,” Roman warned her. Memories of her last pregnancy and the subsequent miscarriage came to mind. He was saddened by the fact that she was carrying another mans baby and would make another man a father again. Not him.
“I’m sorry Roman, I wish things had turned out differently and our baby had lived,” Marlena admitted upon seeing Romans sad expression. She took his hand in hers.
“So do I, but that’s all in the past…Don’t repeat our mistake, tell John.” Roman squeezed her hand.
“I can’t, what if its not his baby?” The thought was inconceivable to Marlena but was a real possibility. She was getting her memory back, but there were huge gaps. What if she had been intimate with someone else? John would be devastated. This was something that their relationship couldn’t survive. John may have forgiven her for her dalliance with Roman once, but he wouldn’t forgive her twice.
“Whose else could it be Doc? Alex?” Roman asked. “Oh dear god, please tell me I’m wrong…please…Please tell me that you did not sleep with that man.”
“If I did, I don’t remember it Roman…I don’t know…I’m confused… How could I have let this happen? This is all so embarrassing and irresponsible of me. I’m a doctor and am not on the pill… I know too much information for you Roman, but what the hell was I doing? Not using protection once again. Don’t answer that.” Marlena was disappointed with herself. She had to be the most fertile woman in Salem. Every time she had sexual intercourse and didn’t use protection, she seemed to wind up pregnant. Sami and Eric, Belle, Roman and her baby that didn’t live, and now this one.
“Mar, maybe subconsciously you wanted to get pregnant and have a baby…” Roman replied before Marlena interrupted him.
“What…to replace the one I just lost? You’ve got to be kidding me…my mind may be a little out of sorts, but I’m not crazy…I am too old and set in my ways to even think about having another child Roman.”
“You’re not too old Doc.”
“Please Roman, I’m a grandmother…Yes, I know physically its possible for women in their fifties to safely have children, I never wanted that to be me…. My children are supposed to be having children now…I’m not supposed to be creating new life and making my children younger than their nieces and nephews…Could we please not talk about this right now?” Marlena asked as she pulled the comforter up around her shoulders and turned on her side, her arms protectively wrapped around her stomach.
“Talk about what,” John asked as he entered the room.
Chapter 33
“Talk about what,” John asked as he entered the room. He smiled when he saw Marlena lying on the bed. She looked so small against the bed, covers wrapped around her, but she was going to be okay and that was all that mattered.
“John,” Marlena said as she attempted to sit up. “Oh, that wasn’t good,” she admitted as she laid back down. The sudden movement made her dizzy and nauseous.
“How are you doing?” John asked as he made his way to her side of the bed. He slowly sat down next to her and took felt her forehead. “Doc, you’re burning up…let me call the doctor back.”
She moved away from his touch. “No, please…I just need sleep, that’s all…Don’t worry about me John, I’ll be fine.”
“I worry about you Doc, you know that,” John said tenderly.
“I appreciate it John…But really, I’m okay.” Marlena readjusted the covers, pulling them closer to her face. She closed her eyes, hoping that he would go away.
“So what were you and Roman talking about earlier?” John asked as he looked down at Marlena in concern. Her eyes were clenched shut and she looked to be in enormous pain.
Marlena opened her eyes and immediately looked over at Roman for guidance and help. “We were talking about the fact that Doc is a grandmother.” Roman offered, puzzled at her reaction toward John. He figured she was just nervous about telling him about the baby.
“Thanks for that reminder Roman,” John said as he brought his fingers to his temples and rubbed. “I totally forgot that I told Belle I would call her and let her know how her mother is doing. She’s probably worried sick.”
“What?” Marlena asked. She turned on her side toward John at the mention of Belle.
“Earlier tonight when you were unconscious, Belle called to see how you were. I didn’t have time to talk to her and told her I’d call her back later when I knew that you’d be okay. That was hours ago.”
“Belle knows?”
“Oh course Doc…She’s our daughter. Sami, Eric and Carrie do too.”
“I don’t understand.” What exactly did they know? Where she was? What was wrong with her? What?
“The fact that you have amnesia and don’t remember much about the children, doesn’t mean they stop needing and loving their mother…they’ve all been sick with worry these last couple of months. I try to call them weekly and let them know how you are doing. Roman does too.” John rubbed Marlena’s arm on top of the covers. She shivered at the touch.
“Is that true?” Marlena asked Roman, turning her head to look up at him.
“Of course Doc… On more than one occasion I’ve had to convince Eric to stay in Colorado and not come here.”
“Oh,” Marlena said as tears formed in her eyes. “I remember when they were kids…Eric was the sweetest boy…He always wanted to help the underdog.”
“He still does,” John laughed, thinking back to his memories of Eric as a child.
“How is Carrie? How are she and Mike doing? It seems like it wasn’t that long ago that they got married… She made such a beautiful bride.” Marlena was so lost in her memory of Carrie’s wedding that she missed the look that passed between Roman and John.
“You’re remembering Doc,” John said as he lightly stroked her face. She turned toward Roman and closed her eyes. “Not much,” she offered as John continued to lightly run his fingers along her face and hairline.
“Do you remember anything about us?” John asked, with a look of hope on his face.
Marlena closed her eyes as the slideshow in her head started again. She saw herself arguing with John about something and her slapping him across the face hard….she felt the anger and hate that she felt towards him in that instance….she felt the sting of the slap on the palm of her hand. She saw herself being held down by John. “No,” she said, her jaw trembling.
“Well take your time, at least you’re remembering the kids. Anything is a move in the right direction…You seem in good hands with Roman right now…Roman would you mind keeping her company a little while longer? I really need to call Belle and let her know that her mom is alright.” Although John was worried about his wife, he was also concerned about his daughter.
“Sure John, take your time…please ask Belle to pass on the news to Sami, Eric and Carrie. I’ll try to call them tomorrow.”
“Not a problem…Doc, I’ll see you in a while,” John said as he kissed her forehead and got up off the bed.
Marlena waited until John left the room before she let out the breath that she’d been holding. “You’ve got to tell him Mar,” Roman remarked.
“In time I will, just not now.” Marlena slowly rubbed her head. She was so confused by John’s presence.
“Soon. Don’t put it off,” Roman advised her.
“I’m really glad that you are here Roman. I don’t know how I would have made it through these past couple of months without you.” She smiled up at him, thankful for his friendship and support.
“You would’ve been fine Marlena. You would have had to talk to John out of necessity. Now that I think about it, my presence probably wasn’t for the best.”
“Don’t say that,” Marlena said as he took Roman’s hand in hers. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the time when we were held prisoner in the castle. You were the only one I had to talk to. You kept me sane… It was you who provided me with comfort in some of my darkest hours. You’ve always been there for me, haven’t you?” Marlena leaned back and closed her eyes. Her head was starting to throb again. “I was awful to you in the past. I’m really sorry about the affair with John.”
Roman looked at her, shocked that she would bring this topic up. “It’s all the in the past…we need to concentrate on the future.” As much as he wanted to move on, a part of him never would.
“You seem so calm and accepting about everything,” Marlena replied, eyes closed. She was trying to stop the images in her head and talking to Roman seemed to help.
“Being held prisoner gives you time to really think about what’s important in life. I could’ve been angry and bitter towards you and John, but what is the point? It won’t change what happened. As much as I regret our divorce, I can see what John does for you… You are destined to be together Marlena…it’s as simple as that… I believe that true love always wins in the end…remember that…no matter how bad things get or how you fee, you may feel so torn up inside and discouraged by what life brings you, but remember in the end love wins, not evil, love.”
Marlena contemplated Romans words. She intrinsically knew that she and John were destined to be together. Although she didn’t have many memories of their time together during the last couple of years, she felt a strong connection to him, that as hard as she tried to, could not break.
“I can see from the look on your face that you’re confused and unsure. That’s normal. However, it doesn’t seem to me to be healthy to live your life in this limbo. Now that your pregnant, you’ve got to decide what you are going to do and how you are going to live your life. All of this ‘I love him and need him, but can’t be with him’ stuff has to stop. I can see the emotional toil it’s taking on you. In all the years I’ve known you, I’ve seen you fall apart more times in the last five months than in twenty plus years. That’s not the Marlena I know and love. You’re a strong woman, remember that. You simply need to make a choice… you can either accept that what happened to you in the past, happened and move on… or you can continue on your current course… continue being a victim by allowing your fear of the past to paralyze you, control and destroy your life.”
“When did you get so wise Mr. Brady,” Marlena whispered, her voice shaking. She was about to break down, but didn’t want Roman to see how much his words had affected her. He was right, she needed to make a decision.
“Could have been this amazing shrink that I was married to for years,” Roman joked, trying to bring some levity into the conversation.
“Oh yeah, what happened to her?” Marlena asked, a smirk on her face.
“She’s still around. She became even more amazing and is stronger than she realizes…she just needs a little help, that’s all.” Roman brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it softly. “Do you want to talk about what you’re feeling?”
“You always did cut to the chase…I’ve got a headache and need rest,” Marlena said tersely.
“Another delay tactic from the great Dr. Evans,” Roman laughed. “Sooner or later you are going to have to stop running from your pain and deal with it. I told you that 25 years ago and I’ll tell you now….”
“What,” Marlena interrupted, “Those that ignore the past are condemned to repeat it?”
“No, but that’s a good one. I was going to say that by ignoring your fears and problems, you are inadvertently feeding them…. giving them power over you.
“Intellectually I know that…. emotionally I can’t accept it or stop it.”
“What’s going on in that head of yours Dr. Evans?” Roman asked as he continued to hold her hand.
“I’ll tell you, but John cannot know…” Marlena warned.
“I can’t promise you that…If there is something going on with you that I think John needs to know, I’ll tell him…Right now your pregnancy and whatever you tell me is safe.”
“My professional diagnosis is that my disassociative amnesia has evolved and brought up memories that I’ve worked hard to control, repress in a way. I’ve been having flashback of events, which I’m not sure are the result of some vicarious traumatization I may be suffering from, or if they are my experiences. Compounding this is the advent of several phobias…Essentially, I’m a psychological mess.” Her self-diagnosis was given so clinically that Roman wondered if she was detaching herself from her condition, seeing the two as separate.
“Marlena, why didn’t you let me know it was this bad?” Roman asked, the compassion in his voice evident. “Does Alex know?”
“God no, no one other than you can know…it’s embarrassing Roman…I’m a psychiatrist…I’m supposed to help people, not be the one needing help. I can’t believe that I let this happen to me.” Roman noticed that Marlena wouldn’t look at him when she talked about herself. She was staring past him at the closed door.
“I adore you Mar…hell John’s so in love with you he’d jump off a bridge if you asked him to… We both want to help you…you don’t need to face this on your own,” Roman said as he took her face gently in his hands and turned is so that she was looking at him.
“Is this the reason you asked for a divorce?”
Marlena’s eyes welled up with tears. “Look at me Roman…He doesn’t need me… I’m a mess. As much as I love him, I need to focus on myself and getting better… I’m terrified of the life that is growing inside of me right now…. Every time I feel it move I’m reminded of who I am and what I’ve done… I’m terrified…. I can’t be his wife right now… I can’t… He wants me to remember… I don’t want to remember… I love John so much Roman, but he’s a large part of my problem.” Marlena was openly crying as she opened up to Roman. Roman pulled her body up so that she was resting her head against his chest, his arm around her.
“What do you mean…How is he part of your problem?” Roman softly asked.
“He just is, nothing specific,” Marlena replied as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
“Marlena, that’s bullshit…look at you, you’re shaking.”
“I’m scared of him Roman,” Marlena cried out. “I am…its irrational…I shouldn’t be afraid of him, but I am… at times when I’m near him I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack…at times I’m paralyzed by fear. He thinks that I’m a heartless bitch whose been avoiding him, but that’s not it. I’m scared of him.” Marlena broke down sobbing, all her fears about John coming to the surface.
“Why are you scared?” Roman asked as he rubbed her back and tried to comfort her.
“Because I’ve been having flashbacks of him raping me Roman,” Marlena blurted out between sobs.
“What the hell, you can’t be serious Doc… John wouldn’t do that.” Roman was confused by her admission. John was a lot of things, but rapist wasn’t one of them.
“I know Roman and that’s what scares me…but I keep having those memories and I can’t make them stop… I don’t know what’s real anymore Roman…I’m scared …I can’t trust my memory anymore…I’m afraid I’m going to hurt him…I need Alex to help me.”
“Alex North? Mar, did you call him?” Roman asked remembering seeing the phone on the bathroom floor.
“Yes,” she said weakly as she continued to sob.
“John’s going to be furious… The whole point was to keep him away from you.”
“He can help me…he can Roman… You know he can… Last time he helped me…I told you that already…He can do it this time,” Marlena implored Roman, grabbing onto his shirt.
Roman thought for a minute before he responded. There had to be a way to get her out of this mess and maintain her confidence. “Let me help you through this Doc… Don’t rely on Alex, remember what happened last time….he’s only going to make it worse in the long run…he’s not what you need right now… I know that you called him because of your past together…you’re going to make things worse with John…don’t do it… You want to relive your past and recover the truth? Do it with me… not with him Doc,” Roman pleaded.
“You don’t know him Roman,” Marlena said with anger in her voice.
“No I don’t, but I sure as hell had to live with the after effects of his so-called treatment…He sure as hell wasn’t there to pick up the pieces when you had your breakdown… Don’t go there Marlena, don’t… I can’t see you like that again, I can’t… I was too much for me to take then… I can’t do it now….I can’t do it.” Roman had tears in his eyes as he remembered Marlena lying on their kitchen floor, overdosing on painkillers, begging him to kill her. He couldn’t go through that with her again.
“Oh god, what am I going to do? I don’t want to hurt you Roman,” Marlena cried out. Memories of her past flooded her mind…She saw Alex inject her with something…she felt the sting of the needle in her arm and then the loss of consciousness. She saw herself opening the bottle of newly prescribed painkillers and downing the whole bottle…the felt the utter panic waiting for the drugs to take effect. She saw Roman holding her on the floor, begging her to wake up…. she felt the feeling of freedom for once. She saw the emergency room doctors pumping her stomach of the narcotics… the felt the hopeless that she was going to survive. She saw herself waking up in the hospital, Roman and Alex by her side…she felt the feeling of failure. Marlena grabbed her head, wanting the memories and feelings to stop.
“We’ll get through this together Doc…together,” Roman said as he held her tight.
“I don’t want to you to see me like this… I don’t know if I can let you see me like this again.” As the memories came back, she was horrified how much he had already seen.
“Doc, there’s nothing you can’t tell me that would change my opinion of you. You should know that.”
“Please don’t tell John, please,” she begged Roman.
“Don’t tell John what?” John asked as he entered the room. He was immediately alarmed by what he saw. Marlena was in Roman’s arms sobbing and Roman was also crying. “What the hell is going on?”
Chapter 34
“What the hell is going on?” John asked as he walked into the room, alarmed by the sight of his wife crying in the arms of another man. Marlena was visibly trembling on the bed.
“Doc, talk to me,” John pleaded with her as he made his way around the bed and sat down next to her. She immediately moved over so that she was closer to Roman. The moment was lost on John. He assumed that she moved so that she could give him more space on the bed. “Something has upset you and I’d like to know what it is.”
How do you tell a man that you are supposed to love more than anything in the world that you are having thoughts of him doing bad things to you? How do you do that? How do you do that when you don’t know if what you’re feeling and seeing is real? How can you purposely break someone’s heart because you know deep down, that’s what its going to do? Marlena looked up at John with tears in her eyes and knew that she couldn’t tell him the truth. A part of her loved him so much that she could never be the one to cause him pain. Better to be the bitch than the tormenter.
“Nothing,” she said as she closed her eyes tightly and began to cry again. John moved to take Marlena in his arms and comfort her. “No…no,” Marlena cried out. “No…please…don’t…” John continued to hold onto her, grabbing her arms, attempting to calm her down. “No,” Marlena cried out again as she tried to get out of his grasp. Roman watched helplessly, not wanting to interfere.
“Marlena, either you or Roman are going to tell me what’s going on…I walk in here to find my wife crying in the arms of her ex-husband. I think I have every right to know what has you so upset.” John didn’t miss the look that passed between Marlena and Roman.
“I’ve been having memories,” Marlena said softly looking up at John. Love, adoration and concern was written all over his face. She loved him too much to hurt him. Better to lie than hurt.
“That’s good honey,” John said as he stroked her arm lightly. Even though blankets covered her, she still seemed so cold. “You’re remembering, that’s good…that’s nothing to be scared of.” John continued stroking her arms, moving towards her shoulders and neck.
“No…No…I just want it to stop,” Marlena screamed. John was taken aback by her sudden outburst. “I want it to stop…I don’t want these memories…I don’t want them.” She pulled on her blonde hair, as if trying to pull the memories out of her head. Roman slowly reached over and pulled her hands down. She was shaking.
“Marlena, it’s okay, honey…I’m here for you…Everything will be fine,” John said as he slowly bent down to kiss Marlena on the lips. Everything moved in slow motion for Marlena as she saw him lower his lips towards hers. She backed up against the bed trying desperately to put space between them. His proximity, the smell of his after shave, the blue of his eyes, was very real and too much for her. She needed to get away from him. As he touched her the slideshow in her head started again. Memories of her past flooded her mind. She saw the blueness in his eyes as he held her down on the bed…she felt her clothes being ripped from her body. She saw the whiteness of his teeth as he yelled at her…she felt the devastation of letting him down. She saw herself being held down by Kellam Chandler and John…she felt them enter her roughly. “Please no,” she begged John before he kissed her. She felt the bile rising in her throat; she couldn’t look at John. “You don’t want me to kiss you?” John asked, the devastation of the rejection evident on his face. Marlena was openly sobbing, trying to put some distance between her and John. Roman lowered the covers on the bed, giving Marlena some space.
“What’s wrong with you?” John asked tenderly, obviously torn by the anger he felt for Marlena and Roman and their ‘little secret’ and the sympathy he felt for her being in such obvious pain.
“Please, just go…I need to be alone,” she begged, as she laid on her side and held her arm over protectively over her stomach.
“No, I want to get to the bottom of this Marlena. This has gone on to long. I’ve played the sympathetic and understanding spouse long enough. Something is wrong. I can feel it and see it. Look, I love you…Let me help you.” John touched her chin gently with his fingers, tracing the line of her jaw. Marlena tried to hold the down her bile down as John touched her. She clenched her eyes shut and wished him away. ‘I’m okay… I’m okay’ she said to herself as the bile rose higher. She suddenly sat up and pushed Roman back as she got off the bed and ran into the bathroom. Roman sat back and watched as John ran after Marlena, shutting the door behind him. Roman closed his eyes and said a little prayer, asking God to give Marlena the strength to tell John the truth for once.
********************************************
“Marlena, honey, are you okay?” John asked as he rubbed Marlena’s back as she leaned over the commode. She shut her eyes tightly, trying to block out the harsh institutional light of the bathroom. The sensation of John’s hands on her back was distracting. She felt his unconditional love in his touch, but her mind wouldn’t let her forget his sins. She felt the bile rise up in her throat again as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet.
“I’m fine,” she muttered as she wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her shirt. “I’ll be okay, I just need to lay down for a little while.” She hoped he got the hint and would leave her alone. She attempted to get up from the bathroom floor, taking John’s hand when he offered it to her.
Roman was sitting on her bed when John and Marlena appeared from the bathroom. Roman could tell that his prayer hadn’t been answered, John didn’t know about the baby. Looking at Marlena’s form as she walked toward him, it wasn’t evident that she was pregnant. She just looked like she put on a little weight around the stomach, but wouldn’t be considered fat or pregnant looking by any means.
Roman got up off the bed, giving Marlena and John the space they needed. He didn’t like the role that Marlena was slowly casting him in; third party intermediary. He needed to get John out of the room and talk to him fast before things became even more wrong. John helped Marlena into bed and watched as she pulled up the covers, rolled onto her side and closed her eyes. She looked so pitiful and helpless. He resisted the urge to touch her.
“John, could I talk to you outside for a minute?” Roman asked upon seeing his opening.
“Could it wait?” John asked, the irritation obvious in his voice.
“Actually no, I need to talk to you right now,” Roman said with determination, using his eyes to gesture towards the door and to indicate to John that it was serious.
“Okay, Marlena we’ll be out in the hall if you need anything,” John said as he bent down and kissed the side of her face. Marlena lay motionless on the bed, her mind retreating to a place where no one could hurt her.
“What’s up?” John asked as soon as Roman closed the bedroom door.
“Not here,” Roman said as he led John down the hall to his room.
“Why are you being so secretive?” John asked as he followed Roman. He didn’t want to be having any conversation with Roman. He wanted to be with Marlena.
“Because I know you and your temper and it’s the last thing that Marlena needs right now.” Roman opened the door to his room and walked in, John following behind him. He slowly closed the door and shut it tight before turning around and facing John.
“So are you finally going to be honest with me and tell me what the hell is going on with my wife? I saw the look that passed between you two in there. I know you’re keeping secrets and I want to know what the hell they are and I want to know now.” John’s voice slowly rose with each word he said. He didn’t mean for his frustration of the past four months to come out in one conversation.
“Calm down John, yelling is not going to get you anywhere,” Roman cautioned.
“Tell me now dammit,” John demanded.
“There are some things that have happened that you need to know about,” Roman began as he sat down on the sofa. He gestured for John to have a seat on the matching leather chair.
“What things,” John asked as he sat down.
“Marlena called Alex to come and get her,” Roman said, expecting John to explode in anger and go running out of the room. Instead John’s response somewhat shocked him.
“Okay,” John said as he brought his fingers to his mouth. “Okay….Why?” John was trying his hardest not to react to the news.
“She’s convinced that he can somehow help her…I think I’ve convinced her that she doesn’t need him now.”
“Damn straight she doesn’t…we’ve got to get her out of here. How long ago did she call?”
“A couple of hours ago I think…I’m not sure.”
“Why does she think that she needs him? Surely she knows of the danger?” John got up off of the chair and paced in front of the fireplace. He needed to think of how he could keep Marlena safe.
“Look John, you know that they share a past, that’s not a secret. He’s helped her in the past; she’s convinced that he can help her now. What you don’t know is that the last time he so called helped her, he majorly screwed with her mind and I was left to pick up the pieces,” Roman said as he thought back to that time. He never wanted to go there again.
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” John asked. What else was Roman not telling him?
“Wasn’t my place to tell…”
“That’s bullshit…regardless of whatever loyalty you feel towards Marlena, you should have told me he was a quack…I should have been told that much because I sure as hell wouldn’t have let him go near my wife,” John said in anger as he stopped pacing in front of Roman and looked down at him.
“John, I didn’t know it was Alex?”
“What the hell do you mean you didn’t know it was Alex? You met him in the hospital when she woke up with amnesia.”
“What I mean is that I didn’t know that he was the one that treated her in the past. She never mentioned his name. If I’d have known that it was him, I would have never allowed him to treat her.”
“So what the hell did he do to her?” John asked, not wanting if he really wanted to know.
“I’m not sure of the specifics, but in my opinion he had her convinced her that life wasn’t worth living.”
“Man, she told me a couple of months ago that she’d tried to hurt herself in the past, but I had no idea that North was connected to her…my god, I left her alone with him…what kinds of things did he fill her mind with then? Is her behavior now a result of something North did to her at Green Mountain?” John formulated a trap for Dr. North in his mind. He was going to wait until North arrived and then kill him with his bare hands.
“John, you have to stop it…all these what ifs aren’t going to make her better. Look, she’s getting worse…I need to get her away from here before Dr. North arrives…If she sees him, she’s going to go with him,” Roman warned him.
“You’re right Roman…Let me call the pilot and have him get the plane ready. We can be out of here in thirty minutes,” John said as he took his cell phone out of his pocket and prepared to call the pilot.
“No, John…Marlena isn’t going to go with you.”
“What are you talking about pal.”
“Marlena isn’t going with you,” Roman repeated. “You’ll just make things worse…I’ve convinced her that she doesn’t need him…in order for her healing to occur I need you to trust me with her. She’s agreed to leave Alex out of it and let me help her.”
“She’s my wife Roman, mine, not yours…if anyone should be going with her, it should be me.”
“You’ll just make things worse John…She’s scared of you.” Roman looked down at the floor, wishing that he could just be a mere spot on the carpet and blend in.
“Scared of me? What the fuck?” John said in shock.
“Look John, there’s no easy way to say this, so I just will… she’s been having memories of you hurting her.”
“Hurting her? I’ve never laid a finger on her and never would…I adore and worship that woman…you know that…hell all of Salem knows that…I would die before I ever hurt her.” John’s voice held a hint of desperation. He couldn’t believe that Roman actually thought that he would hurt Marlena. He needed to make him believe that he wouldn’t.
“Raping her.” Roman admitted, not able to look John in the eye.
Chapter 35
“Raping her.” Roman admitted, not able to look John in the eye.
“What the fuck?” John said as he looked to Roman for confirmation that what he had heard was what Roman had said. Roman nodded his head. “No,” John yelled. “No…No…I’ve got to talk to her.” John was shocked and livid that Marlena could actually think such a thing.
“Don’t John, you’ll make it worse.”
“How could things get any worse? Tell me…my wife thinks I’m a rapist…does she think I’m a pedophile too? What about a wife beater? What the hell has North been putting into her head? I need to talk to her now…” John started toward the door. Roman got up and blocked his way, putting one hand on John’s chest.
“John stop…you’ll make things worse.”
“You just told me that my wife thinks I raped her…tell me pal how could things get any worse?” John reached for the doorknob and prepared to twist it to open it. Roman put his hand and foot against the door. John wasn’t going anywhere.
“She reacts to you when you’re near, surely you’ve noticed that? She doesn’t want to be touched or held anymore…she’s getting worse John. Whatever is going on in her head, its working against us by the day…I need to get her away from the island now.” John wondered with was with Roman and all the references to “I”. Marlena was his wife, not Romans.
“I need to be with her…she’s my life,” John said as he attempted to remove Roman’s hand from the door so that he could open it.
“I understand that, but if she continues like this you may not have a wife,” Roman said with concern, hoping that John would calm down and let him say what he needed to before going to Marlena.
“Are you trying to tell me that she’s suicidal again?” John asked in concern.
“I don’t know…I’m not a shrink and I don’t want to be one… I just know Doc and she’s not well, really not well, if you know what I mean…She needs professional help John…not her husband or ex-husband…you need to get her that help.”
“She won’t talk to Dr. Cortez, what makes you think she’ll talk to someone else?”
“I think I can convince her, but it can’t be here.”
“So what are you suggesting? I let you fly off into the unknown with my wife? I don’t think so pal.”
“Stop being so fucking selfish John. This isn’t about you.” John was acting like his usual Marlena obsessed self.
“This is about me…anything that has to do with Marlena is about me, don’t you get that,” John said as he forcibly tried to remove Roman’s hand from the door.
“Marlena needs to be far away from you…you are causing some type of reaction, a negative one. Her mental health is somewhat fragile right now… you want to be the cause of a breakdown? Do you? You keep up this macho ‘she’s my wife and I know best’ shit and that’s what’s going to happen. Is that what you fucking want in the name of pride? Is it? I’ve been there when she’s had a breakdown and believe me that is something that you never ever want to experience John.” John let go of Roman’s hand and stepped back from Roman, dumbfounded.
“I need to talk to her, I need for her to understand that I’d never hurt her,” John said softly. “This is killing me here Roman….killing me inside…This has to be some mistake…Why would she think I did that to her? Why? It has to be North…Maybe he got her to transfer some of her memories of what Chandler did to her to me…that’s the only explanation I can think of.”
“Could be John…I don’t really know…but I can tell you that Doc is torn up inside that she’s even having these thoughts about you.”
“I need to see her Roman…I need for her to know that I’d never do that to her,” John pleaded with Roman.
“At the expense of her well being?”
“Don’t ask me to stand by and watch her leave again…I can’t do that Roman, I can’t…I can’t lose her again…I won’t lose her again…she’s everything to me.” John’s temper flared again. He knew that he was losing it again and needed to calm down and think out the situation rationally. The last thing Marlena needed right now was for him to confront her about what she had told Roman.
“If you force her to stay here you will lose her, that I can almost guarantee… let me take her away from here for a while…you can be in constant contact so you’ll know where we are and that she’s safe…If you want to monitor us by satellite, that’s fine…I don’t care…But, Marlena needs to get away from here now….”
John leaned against the door deep in thought. If he didn’t let her leave and what Roman was saying was true then she would be in much greater danger. If he let her go, there was the distinct possibility that she might not get her memory back and that he would have no place in her future. Either way, he lost.
“John, we’re running out of time…let me take her…Look I know you’re worried about her and what happens if she leaves. In nine days your divorce is going to be final…”
“Don’t remind me of that pal…all the more reason to keep her closer…that divorce isn’t going to happen,” John warned Roman, livid at the thought of divorce.
“Fine, but for her sake you need to at least pretend that its going through…John, she is so determined that she needs this divorce…I don’t know the real reason, although I have some idea…”
“What? You think that she wants a divorce because she thinks I raped her?” May as well get it out in the open. Seemed like a reasonable reason to divorce to John, if only it was true.
“ I don’t know.”
“Quit this I don’t know shit and tell me the truth man…just tell me the truth…we are so far beyond the niceties here Roman… I just want your honest opinion and the truth, that’s all.”
“Fair enough…I think that something happened in your marriage during the last five years that she’s blocking out…John, she remembers all of her past except for you…did you know that.”
“She remembers everything but me?” John said as he sat down on the chair, head in his hands. This conversation had quickly gone from bad to worse. Was Roman insinuating that he was the cause of her amnesia?
“Yes, look I’m sorry that you had to find out from me, I’d hoped that she would regain her memories, including the ones of you…the point is, maybe if she thinks that the divorce is going through her memories of you will return.”
“That makes absolutely no sense…”
“None of this does John…we’re talking about Doc here. Is anything that has occurred in the last two years characteristic of her? No…I didn’t think so…Her problems didn’t start with the amnesia…in my opinion they go back years.”
“How far back?” John asked as he stared into the fire and slowly rubbed his chin. Was what Roman was saying true? Did Doc slowly change over the years, the changes being so subtle that he didn’t even notice? Had she slowly been crying out for help for years and he had missed or ignored the signs?
“Not sure…when did you notice her behavior changing? Maybe the clues are in your past with her…hell I’m not a shrink…I’m just guessing here…maybe grasping at straws trying to find a cause and a cure…ignore my diagnosis…but I would suggest that you at least call Mickey and have him pull the divorce papers and at least postpone it a couple of months. Maybe he could lose the papers…” Roman wanted to tell John about the baby but knew that John would never let Marlena go if he knew that she was pregnant.
“That’s brilliant Roman…brilliant…you think if Marlena thinks that we’re divorced maybe she’ll get better.” For once since this conversation began, John felt some hope.
“Honestly, I have no clue, but she seems so adamant about there being a divorce…What do you have to lose?”
“Nothing really…she thinks I raped her and wants a divorce…I have nothing to lose…the woman I love thinks the worst of me and wants nothing to do with me…
I have nothing to lose…I still don’t feel good about her leaving here Roman…its totally against my better judgement…” John needed to think about what Roman was saying long and hard. Was there any truth to it, or was it another ploy for Roman to get closer to Marlena? He got up from his chair and paced back and forth in front of the fireplace, deep in thought.
“John, you need to make your decision,” Roman said. John needed to have made his decision twenty minutes ago.
After five tense minutes of watching John pace back and forth Roman was relieved when John finally stopped, turned and faced him. “Okay, but we do this on my terms, got that? I’ll have my pilot fly you to another one of my compounds…You and I stay in constant contact…Anything happens to her, you notify me immediately. I control who has access to her…that means no visitors unless I approve them first…no leaving the compound either…before you leave, I need to talk to see her alone,” John said as he walked to the door and opened it. Roman watched as John left the room and closed to door behind him.
John quickly walked down the hall into Marlena’s room. Each step he took closer to her bed, his heart broke a little more.
“Marlena,” John said as he sat down on her bed next to her, careful not to touch her. She slowly opened her eyes. “Marlena, honey, you need to get up and get dressed.”
“Why?” she asked as brushed the hair out of her face.
“You and Roman are leaving the island in a little while. Roman will be in soon to help you pack, but first I wanted to tell you goodbye,” John said trying to keep his own tears at bay. He couldn’t look at her, so he looked down at her hands instead as they tightly clutched the sheets that were covering her body.
“Goodbye?” Her hands pulled on the covers.
“I’m not going with you… You wanted a divorce and in a couple of days it will be final… I’m giving you want you want, I’m letting you go,” John’s voice cracked. He wasn’t sure that he had the strength to get through this and tell her goodbye. He needed to be strong for her though. He took a deep breath before continuing. “My pilot is going to fly you and Roman to another compound where you’ll be safe and can get help…I’ll be here if you need me.” One of Marlena’s hands let go of the sheet she was holding and disappeared under the cover. John couldn’t see that she was lightly stroking her swollen stomach.
“Marlena I love you and always will…I hope in time that you’ll remember our love and what we meant to each other…” John got up from the bed and walked toward the door unable to look back at her, fearful that he would see a smile on her face. “I’ll wait for you forever,” he whispered as he closed the door behind him.
Marlena let out the breath that she had been holding and sobbed. She got what she wanted, why did it feel like a part of her was dying inside?
Chapter 36
Marlena looked around the small airfield, hoping to catch a glimpse of John before she left. She needed to see him one last time. Regardless of her memory of what he did to her, she desperately needed to see his face. She needed to see him, touch him, taste him. This couldn’t be the end? She couldn’t stand that the last look on his face was one of devastation and resignment. She knew him so well and could still read him like none other. Sure, he put on a brave front and acted as if it were no big deal, but she knew that wasn’t the case. How could she leave knowing that she had broken his heart?
She felt the coldness of her clothes against her skin as the rain soaked through them. Thunderclouds were in the distance. The pilot gave her a warning that she would have board the plane now or they would have to ride out the storm on the island. As much as she hated the island, she couldn’t bear to leave it.
“I can’t…I can’t let you go. I can’t be in the same room with you…and say goodbye…and pretend that it doesn’t matter. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t break…my…heart. I can’t face it. I can’t face…weeks or months…I can’t face never seeing you again. Please, I can’t face that,” Marlena remembered herself saying to John years ago. The desperation she felt then was much like she felt now. She reached up and wiped the tears and rain from her face. This couldn’t be it; this couldn’t be the end for them.
Thunder boomed around Marlena, but she was numb inside. She wasn’t aware that Roman Brady was standing next to her on the tarmac until he put his sweater over her head trying to provide some protection against the rain.
“Doc, please get on the plane. You’re going to get sick out here,” Roman pleaded with her.
“I’m not ready to leave yet,” Marlena said as she desperately looked around for John. Surely his goodbye wasn’t the end for them. Was it?
“We need to leave now or else we’re going to have to wait until the storm clears.” Roman could hear the lightening crackle around them and knew the storm was moving closer. “Please Doc, come with me back onto the plane…if you want to wait a little while longer there, fine…but please let me get you out of this cold rain…its not good for you or the baby.”
Marlena slowly rubbed her stomach, reminded by Roman of the life she held within. “You’re right,” she said as she followed him onto the plane.
Thunder boomed and lightening crashed around the plane as the pilot instructed them to buckle their seat belts and prepare for turbulence. As the plane taxied down the runway, a huge bolt of lightening lit up the sky. A memory from the past came back to Marlena.
“Doc, hey, come on. Don’t be unhappy. Last thing I want…,” John to said to her as he prepared to leave Salem forever on his private jet. She had gone there to stop him, but so far had been unsuccessful.
“That doesn’t make you unhappy at all?” she asked in disbelief that he wasn’t feeling the same loss that she was.
“I’m past that, Doc. I’m freefalling…with just the idea that I am never going to see you again. I am never going to hear you laugh. I’m never going to smell your perfume and I’m never going to touch you.”
“Oh God,” she replied as he captured her mouth with his. Lightening crashed around them as they slowly became reacquainted with one another.
“Doc, are you alright?” Roman asked as he touched her shoulder. She was pale and gasping for air. “It felt so real Roman,” Marlena said not sure if what she saw and felt was real. “It was so real….John was telling me goodbye.”
“John did tell you goodbye a little while ago Doc,” Roman said as he put his hand on her forehead and checked to see if she was warm.
“No, not then, before.” She remembered making love to him on the plane and then going home to Roman, knowing that in her mind that what she had done was morally wrong, but in her heart feeling it was right. She felt the love that John felt for her and his desperation at the thought that he was never going to see her or be with her again.
“What are you talking about?” Roman was concerned.
“It’s nothing,” Marlena said as she turned her head to the side, embarrassed that she was having memories of her affair with John while sitting next to her ex-husband. “I don’t want to talk about it… Roman, do you think I did the right thing by leaving?” Roman looked at his ex-wife for a few seconds before responding. She looked so young and fragile next to him. Her clothes were soaking wet and sticking to her thin frame, hair plastered to the side of her head and face, dark circles under her eyes. She looked worse than he had ever seen her before.
“No…honestly, no…I agree that you needed to leave before Dr. North arrived, but I think that John needs to be here….You love him Marlena…As much as you try to deny it I can tell that you do…I know that you were on the tarmac hoping that he’d come along…I think that you’re making a mistake by not telling John the truth about what’s going on in that head of yours and about the baby…”
“He can’t know,” Marlena said as she brought her knees up to her chest in an attempt to get warm.
“I know your reasons, though I may not agree with them…I just feel that one of these days you are going to wake up and realize that you should have been honest with him all along.” Roman unbuckled his seat belt and went back into the bedroom to retrieve a blanket for Marlena.
“I thought you’d be supportive of me Roman…after everything we’ve been through I though you of all people would understand,” Marlena said, the anger in her voice evident. She caught the blanket that he tossed at her.
“I do Doc and that’s why I’m supportive of your decision even though I don’t agree with it.” Roman sat back down and buckled his seat belt. The turbulence from the plane was starting to make him nauseous.
“I’ve told you Roman…I remember my past…all of it…every moment with you, even when we made love in the castle…I remember the kids, their births, the birthday parties, school plays, Christmases…everything…Do you know how it feels to remember your whole life except for the one person you should have the greatest and strongest memories of? I can’t remember John. It’s killing me inside Roman not to have any memories of him or sketchy memories at best.” Marlena started crying at all that she knew she had lost. Memories of John telling her goodbye flashed through her mind. She put her hands to her head to stop the memories.
“So what Marlena? Work with him to retrieve those memories. Don’t give up and leave. That’s not the Marlena I know…she would never have given up.” Roman was pissed. He didn’t feel well and Marlena and her victim mentality were starting to get on his nerves. He had spent the last 6 months with her and John isolated from the rest of civilization and was quickly reaching his breaking point. He wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed, drive his own car, see his parents, eat dinner with his family, make love to a woman. That wasn’t too much to ask for. With Christmas coming he wasn’t sure that he was going to make it through the holiday if it was just he and Marlena. He might kill her first.
“No,” she snapped back at him. “This is for the best…”
“Fuck that Mar…you’re miserable… You are just too damn stubborn to admit it.” Roman undid his seat belt and went over to the couch and laid down. He didn’t care if they hit a pocket of turbulence and crashed. Death would be a better option than being sick to his stomach having to hear Marlena go on and on trying to validate a bad decision. He closed his eyes hoping that she would get the hint and stop talking.
“This is for the best…I can’t stay with him in my condition.”
“Your condition, what is this the 1940’s? …just say it,” Roman said as he rolled onto his side and faced her. “You’re pregnant and don’t know who the father is,” Roman said bitterly.
“You don’t have to be so mean and crude about it,” Marlena said as she started crying again.
“Oh god, why are you punishing me,” Roman muttered under his breath as he sat up on the couch. “Look, I’m sorry Mar…I just don’t feel well…I’m sorry if that came out crude.”
“You just don’t understand,” she cried out, “You don’t understand what it feels like not to remember making love to anyone and yet being pregnant….How hell did I get pregnant Roman? Tell me that? Immaculate conception? I don’t think so….I was with someone, but who? You? John? Alex? Someone else? What the hell am I blocking out and why?” Marlena leaned back in her chair and sobbed. Roman sat watching her, torn between his sympathy at what she was going through and his annoyance of her. Her hormones were causing major mood swings.
“Does it matter who the father is? Really, deep down does it? No, you’re going to love this child no matter who the father winds up being. My guess is John, he’s the logical choice…I don’t get why you just didn’t ask him if you made love in the last 6 months.”
“If we didn’t, then he’s going to know I was with someone else,” Marlena said as she wiped her eyes. She couldn’t bear the thought that she might have been unfaithful to John. Roman was confused as hell by Marlena. She accused John of rape, yet she didn’t want him to know if she was unfaithful? She made absolutely no sense to him.
“Mar, you have amnesia…no one is going to blame you for an indiscretion you had while you didn’t know exactly who you were.” Roman was trying hard to be supportive. He closed his eyes, trying to stop the interior of the plane from spinning.
“I need to recover more of my memories before I can ask John,” Marlena as she got up from her seat and looked out the window. Dark clouds surrounded the plane; the sky lit up an eerie shade of green.
“So what? The baby is due in a couple months…Are you going to wait until its here and then ask John and if he says ‘yes Marlena, we had sex’, then you’re going to toss a baby into his arms and say ‘congratulations papa’? That has to be the stupidest plan I’ve heard if that’s what you intend to do.” Roman opened his eyes to see what her reaction would be to his comment. She was bent over looking out the window, her drying hair a curly mess. Her clothes were still wet and stuck her to frame. He could see the outline of her pregnant stomach by the way she was standing.
“I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“Well maybe you should.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side Roman,” she said as she turned around and sat down next to him on the couch, moving his legs out of the way.
“I am, but you’re really getting on my nerves…I think I’ve been around you for too long.” Roman slowly stretched out his legs trying to reclaim his space on the small couch.
“You never said that when we were married,” she said as she put his feet in her lap, giving her more space. He did look really sick to her.
“We weren’t married that long before I disappeared and besides you’re my ex-wife…there’s a difference. If you were my wife I’d tolerate a whole lot more…but your not, you’re one of my best friends. I can say things to you now that I couldn’t when we were married.” Roman closed his eyes. If Marlena was insistent on talking, she would just have to deal with him not giving her the undivided attention she was used to and craved.
“Yeah, like what?”
“How fricking annoying you are being right now,” Roman opened one eye and peeked out of it, seeing a hurt look on her face. “Sorry…don’t even start the tears Doc…your hormones are all over the place and I have never been so annoyed with you than I am right now.”
Marlena lightly slapped Romans feet at his comment. “That’s because you want me,” she teased.
“Honey that couldn’t be further from the truth. You could throw yourself at me and I’d a go running. Shouldn’t you be changing into dry clothes?”
“Why Roman Brady, are you trying to get rid of me?” Marlena asked.
“Why yes, now go,” Roman ordered her. He felt her get up from the couch and leave. Roman reached down and grabbed the blanket and covered himself up. “John Black, you fucking owe me big time for this one,” Roman muttered as he closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep.
Chapter 37
After several stops to refuel, the Basic Black jet reached its final destination, rural Alaska.
“Where are we?” Marlena said looking out the window at the vast wilderness that surrounded them. Everything was covered in white as far as she could see. She saw snow-covered trees and jagged mountains in the distance. “He hates me…he’s trying to punish me,” Marlena said upon realizing that most likely John had sent her to exile in the middle of nowhere with Roman Brady.
“No, he knows that no one in their right mind visits the arctic in winter…this is the last place anyone would look for you,” Roman said as he opened the closet in the bedroom and got out snowsuits, boots and goggles for both of them. Half way through the flight when Marlena was sleeping, Roman called John for an update on their destination and a briefing of the security issues and living conditions.
“I want to go back where its warm Roman…I don’t like snow and ice,” Marlena whined.
“You grew up in Colorado Doc…how much different is this?” Roman threw the snowsuit at her and proceeded to put his on over his jeans. After more than 24 hours on the plane with Marlena, Roman couldn’t wait to breathe in the fresh air, even if it was minus 45 degrees Fahrenheit outside.
“From the looks of it, probably 60 degrees or so colder…I don’t do cold Roman…you know that.” Marlena sat down and looked out the window at the vast wilderness. There was absolutely no civilization in sight. Two snowmobiles sat next to the plane, engines idling. Marlena watched as a heavily bundled man dressed in traditional skins approached the plane. A strong gust of wind struck from the south and rocked the plane back and forth. She could feel the plane moving. There was no way that she was going to leave the warm comfort of the plane. Was it too late to call John and ask to go be flown to Hawaii?
“So what? You’re going to live on the plane?” Roman said in annoyance.
“Maybe,” she replied in a childlike voice as she set the snowsuit down on the couch next to her. Let Roman play arctic explorer. She wasn’t going anywhere.
“Well have fun, because I’m not staying here.” He put on his gloves, goggle and hat and walked to the front of the plane where he met the pilot. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Marlena pick up the snowsuit and put it on.
********************************************
Over the next two months Roman and Marlena slowly got used to life in Alaska and the harshness of winter. When temperatures rose above minus 15 degrees Fahrenheit, they’d take walks on the frozen tundra, imagining how beautiful everything would look in the spring. The man that met the plane when they arrived was named Alexie. He and his wife Matrona were caretakers of John’s lodge. During evening dinners, Roman and Marlena enjoyed listening to Alexie’s stories about the Basic Black stockholders that visited the lodge during the summers to go salmon fishing. To their surprise, Brady and Victor were frequent guests at the lodge as was John.
Roman enjoyed Alexie’s company immensely and was quickly becoming a good hunter under his tutelage. Roman had managed to shoot a caribou, moose and a couple ptarmigans during his short stay. He enjoyed being outside and learning about native Alaskan customs. Matrona and Marlena’s relationship was a different story. Matrona made it known from the beginning that she didn’t care for Mrs. Black. The fact that Marlena was pregnant and her husband was no where around didn’t help matters. Matrona assumed that the baby belonged to Roman although she was polite enough not to ask. The more Matrona pushed Marlena to talk about her unborn baby and Mr. Black, the more Marlena retreated. As the winter dragged on Marlena’s depression grew. She was trying hard to retrieve new memories of John, but kept having the same ones. It was as if the few memories she had were stuck in a loop, replaying in the same order over and over. Roman was beyond frustrated at Marlena. He tried to engage her in conversations but was lucky if she gave him a three or four word reply. He learned from Matrona that she spent most of the time in her room, laying in bed, looking out the window. Roman tried during the first month at the lodge to get Marlena to talk about what she was feeling, but quickly grew tired of her negative attitude. When she felt like talking he made sure that he was available, but other than that Roman didn’t go out of his way to engage her.
“Mr. Brady…I’ve had it with that woman,” Matrona said to Roman as he took off his boots in the mudroom of the lodge. Alexie had taken him up into the hills to see the bears.
“What did she say to you this time,” Roman asked, not knowing or caring what they’d fought about today. Everyday it was the same thing. Marlena said something insensitive to Matrona or vice versa. He was honestly sick of both of them.
“That woman is crazy Mr. Brady…you need to control her.” If only it was that easy, Roman thought.
“Matrona, what did she say to you this time,” Roman asked as he took off his heavy down jacket and hung it up.
“Nothing. She won’t come out of her room…she hasn’t been out of her room all day. I tried to get in to bring her some lunch, but she’s locked the door…she keeps crying about some crazy white folks named Kate and Hope.” Matrona threw her arms up in the air. “She’s crazy Mr. Brady.”
A million thoughts were running through Romans head… Was she having another breakdown? Was she remembering something related to Hope and Kate? Was she suicidal? He needed some time to think before responding, but knew that he didn’t have time on his side. “Matrona, when was the last time she ate?” His concern for the baby she was carrying took precedent. He couldn’t control what she was feeling or how she was acting, but he could make sure that the child she was carrying received the nourishment it desperately needed for survival.
“I don’t know Mr. Brady…she didn’t come down for breakfast today.”
“Or dinner or lunch yesterday,” Roman interrupted. “This is bullshit, bullshit…Is she going to starve herself?” Roman asked rhetorically as he left Matrona in the mudroom and went into the lodge, ascending the grand staircase in search of Marlena.
“Marlena,” Roman said as he knocked on the large pine door.
“Leave me alone,” she responded faintly from the other side.
“No, open the door now,” Roman demanded as he pounded on it again.
“No, leave me alone.”
“Open the fucking door before I call John,” Roman threatened. Seconds later her heard the door latch opening.
“What do you want,” she asked as she opened the door a crack. Her face was red and eyes swollen from crying.
“Why didn’t you eat?” Roman asked her as he pushed the door open wider.
“I ate,” Marlena said as she looked down.
“Liar, Matrona already told me that you didn’t Marlena.” Roman further opened the door, forcing Marlena to move back and let him into the room. “This is bullshit…I’m calling John.”
“Why?” she asked as she desperately clung to his arm to prevent him from leaving. “Why?”
“Look at you…what the hell am I doing letting you stay here in your condition? Who knows how the hell far along you are or if the baby is even healthy. We are in the arctic, hundreds of miles from a town or a hospital or medical care for that matter, what if something goes wrong? I’m not a doctor and you sure as hell can’t deliver your own baby…What are we doing up here? I should have told John months ago that you were pregnant.”
“You can’t.. you can’t…you promised me you wouldn’t,” Marlena pleaded as she hung onto Roman’s arm.
“Against my better judgement…I told you that I wouldn’t tell him unless I felt that you were in danger…well guess what? I’d say that you are.”
“I’m not…I’m fine,” she let go of his arm and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to untangle the mess.
“Then why the hell aren’t you eating and lying to me about it? You are a fucking mess, physically and mentally Doc…You need professional help and a medical doctor, not me. Face it, you’re depressed…its time to get help.” He’d seen the signs and had been able to ignore them by compartmentalizing them, but no more.
“No, I’m staying here…you can’t make me leave.” She walked over to the window and looked out on the tundra, trying to show some semblance of normalcy. If she could pull herself together, maybe he’d think that everything was okay and leave her alone.
“If I have to throw you over my shoulder and carry you onto the plane I will.” Roman said as he walked over to the window where she stood and lightly touched her on the shoulder.
“I’m not ready to leave…I just need a little more time to remember.” She was trembling under his touch.
“You don’t have more time….this baby is not going to wait until your memory returns Marlena. You need to figure out what you’re going to do. Not eating isn’t an option,” Roman said sternly.
“Don’t tell me what to do,” she yelled, tears streaming down her face. She didn’t know why she was crying but couldn’t stop.
“Someone needs to…You’ve been making one bad choice after another.”
“You’re not my father,” she screamed as she reached up to slap him. He caught her hand before it made contact with his cheek and then brought her arm roughly behind her back where he held it there. “Don’t try that again,” he warned her.
“Don’t touch me,” she screamed. “Don’t touch me…please….let me go….let me go.” She pleaded, her voice growing weaker and weaker. Roman immediately let go of her arm, horrified to find that he was holding her against her will.
“I’m sorry Doc…I’m sorry…please don’t cry,” he said as he wiped the tears from her eyes. She moved away from him, breaking the contact.
“Please just leave me alone,” she said as she walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind her, locking it.
“God dammit,” Roman yelled as he slammed the bedroom door behind him.
John was working quietly at his desk, trying to concentrate on reviewing a contract between Basic Black and one of its suppliers. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t get Marlena out of his mind. Something was wrong, he just couldn’t figure out what it was. For the last two days he’d been having this feeling of uneasiness that kept him awake at night and made concentrating almost impossible. Roman assured him that nothing was wrong and that he’d be the first to alert John if something was.
The ringing of his cell phone broke him of his reverie. “Hello,” John said into the phone.
“John, this is Roman.” John was relieved that Roman had called, maybe he would be able to reassure him that nothing was wrong.
“What’s up Roman?”
“John, I need you to get a doctor up here now,” Roman blurted into the phone before he lost his confidence.
“A doctor? What’s wrong?” John was starting to panic, his mind envisioning the millions of things that could go wrong up in the arctic wilderness, everything from frostbite to bear attacks.
“It’s Marlena…she needs a doctor,” Roman admitted. He picked absentmindedly at a lose thread on the duvet cover.
“What’s happened Roman…tell me what has happened to my wife?” John was starting to panic. John took out his blackberry and sent a text message to his pilot in Anchorage to have the plane warmed up and ready to take off in twenty minutes.
Roman was silent for a minute, unsure of what to tell John. “Roman, tell me,” John demanded, terrified of the truth.
“John, there’s no easy way to say this.” Roman pulled on the thread and watched it start to unravel.
“You’re scaring me pal…you’re scaring me…please tell me what’s wrong with my wife…was she in an accident?” Pictures of Marlena injured flashed through his mind.
“No, she’s not hurt John.”
“I don’t understand…why does she need a doctor? Tell me what’s going on now,” John demanded as he got up from his desk and looked out the window at Mount McKinley in the distance. The sun was setting, casting any eerie glow about the mountain.
“I need for you to find a female OB/GYN and send her up here now.” Roman let out the breath he’d been holding as he waited for John’s response.
“A what? I don’t think I heard you correctly, did you just ask for an OB/GYN?” John asked as he looked at his phone making sure it was working properly.
“Marlena’s pregnant.”
John sat down in his chair, stunned by the news. “Pregnant?” he whispered. All kinds of thoughts came into his mind, visions of Marlena losing her last baby, Roman and Marlena making love in the castle, Roman and Marlena making love once again.
“How did this happen?” John asked quietly, not really wanting to know the details but needing to.
“The usual way John.”
“Don’t be fucking smart with me pal. You don’t drop a fucking bombshell on me like this and then try to be smart…who is the father?” John closed his eyes hoping that it would be anyone but Roman.
“Whoa, not me if that’s what you are asking?” Roman shuddered at the thought that John could think such a thing.
“Alexie? Please don’t tell me that she and Alexie….oh god….I’ll fucking kill him with my bare hands if he has so much laid a hand on her.” John was physically nauseous at the thought that his friend Alexie would have been intimate with his wife.
“Calm down John…Marlena looks to be 7 or 8 months along, maybe 9, I don’t know, hard to tell.”
“She’s 7 to 8 months pregnant?” John yelled into the phone, livid that this was the first time he had been told this vital piece of news. “Why the hell wasn’t I told?”
“Calm down…she didn’t want you to know….”
“Didn’t fucking want me to know? It’s my child…I have a right to know…I want to talk to her now,” John demanded.
Roman leaned back in his chair and smiled for the first time in awhile…holy fucking god for small miracles, the baby was John’s.
Chapter 38
“Marlena didn’t fucking want me to know she’s pregnant with my child? I don’t think so pal…you get her and put her on the phone now…. Its time she and I had a little talk.” John was livid. He wanted to physically hurt Roman and Marlena. They both were in on the little secret. Were they going to wait until the baby arrived to surprise him? He was tired of excuses. There was no reason that either one of them could come up that would justify this one.
“John, I’d advise against that right now.”
“I don’t think you get it pal…you tell me my wife, my wife, is about to give birth and you’ve known about it all along?…You don’t get a say in what happens. As my friend, you should have fucking told me Roman.”
Roman breathed in deeply before responding, “I promised her…”
“You promised her? You promised her? You shouldn’t have promised her shit…you know that. Fucking look at her behavior pal…does she look like she’s able to make decisions for herself? Goddammit,” John yelled as he picked up a book that was sitting on his desk and threw it against the wall. “I am so fucking pissed right now.”
“That’s not going to change anything…its only going to make her more upset.”
“I am so far beyond caring about what will make Marlena upset right now…she’s fucking carrying my baby…my baby…oh god, this is a fucking nightmare all over again?” Memories of what he went through with Hope and JT flashed through his mind; the fetal alcohol syndrome, the surgeries. “She was fucking drinking and doing who knows what else while she was pregnant with my baby, wasn’t she.”
“I’m not sure John.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me about this one pal…this is too important…its no longer about Marlena anymore… I’ve got a child to think about here.” Memories of seeing Marlena drinking and laughing on the terrace entered his mind. He was sick with the knowledge that she was pregnant with his child then. What had she done to his baby?
“Maybe early on…but recently I don’t know. She’s been acting strange for months….I’m sorry John, I don’t know.”
John sat down dejectedly in his high-back leather chair, trying to process the news. “God, this is a mess. When I sent her up there with you, I was expecting a couple months of isolation to help her get her memory back. Never did I imagine that this was even a possibility…Okay, I’ve got to think what to do…I need to talk to her…I need to make sure that my baby is okay.”
“John, I realize that you are upset with Marlena and me…the last thing she needs right now is to talk to you.”
“Because she still thinks I raped her?” John asked as he rolled his eyes. Why did it always come back to this? He was growing tired of being accused of something that he didn’t do.
“I don’t know…she won’t talk about you.” Actually, she wasn’t talking much about anything anymore.
“That’s bullshit, at this point I don’t care if she thinks I raped her…she’s carrying my child…she doesn’t get to ignore me on this one…god I want to strangle her…what was she thinking not telling me about the baby?” John laid his head down on his desk, wondering how he went from blissful ignorance to a nightmare in a matter of minutes. “I’ll be up there in two hours…you have two hours to prepare her for my visit, because when I get up there she and I are going to have a little talk.”
“John, you’re just going to make it worse,” Roman warned, but not making much of an attempt to keep John away. “Just send the OB/GYN.”
“Pal, you couldn’t keep me away from my wife and my child,” John warned. He noticed on his blackberry that his pilot had responded that the plane was ready for takeoff. John got up from his chair, put on his black leather jacket and checked his watch. It would be dark when he arrived at the lodge.
“I agree, if I was in your situation, I’d be up here too. But John, if you are insistent on talking with her, I’ve got to prepare you for how she is now.”
“Go on,” John responded, dreading the new bombshell that Roman was likely to drop.
“She’s a basket case John. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or not, but she is all over the place mood wise…When she was pregnant with Belle she was moody, but not like this.” John felt like a knife had stabbed him in his heart. Another reminder of how some other man was with his wife when she was carrying his child. He couldn’t go through it again. He needed to be there for Marlena and his child no matter how angry he was with her.
“She and Matrona fight all the time about everything. Doc is not a yeller, but she is one now…Alexie and I make excuses just to leave the lodge so that we don’t have to hear them…its been bad man…Hold on,” Roman said as he got up from the bed and walked over to the door of the room and opened it a crack. “I thought I heard Doc,” he whispered as he looked down the hallway for a sign that she had come out of her room.
“No sign,” Roman continued. “Anyway, she’s been trying hard to remember, but the harder she tries, the worse she seems to get.” Roman heard Marlena scream and then heard something hit the wall and shattered.
“What was that?” John asked in concern, having heard the noise over the phone.
“Gotta go and check on Doc,” Roman said as he disconnected the cell phone and ran down the hall towards Marlena’s room.
*******************************************************************************************
Roman heard the roar of the snow mobile engine outside of the lodge. He looked out the kitchen window hoping to spot John, but couldn’t seen anything in the darkness. From the looks of it, the cloud cover was low and there was minimal disability. Minutes later he heard the door of the mudroom open and close.
“Roman,” John said upon seeing Roman, standing in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in his hand.
“It’s good to see you John,” Roman said as he reached out and shook John’s hand.
“Where’s Marlena?” John asked as he looked around.
“Upstairs sleeping,” Roman said looking toward the mudroom door. “Where’s the doctor?”
“The doctor will be here later tonight. On our flight out here, a call came over the VHF for help in a nearby village. Apparently a group of native school children fell through the ice this afternoon and are suffering from severe hypothermia. The public health nurse at the village clinic called for a medevac flight, but it couldn’t get there for another couple of hours, hours the children may not have. I had my pilot drop me off and then take the doctor to the village to get the kids and fly with them back to Anchorage. She should be back later this evening depending on the weather.”
“Hope that the kids are alright,” Roman said as he stared into his coffee cup.
“Roman, you are my friend…I fucking trusted you with my wife…Goddammit, why didn’t you tell me that Doc was pregnant?” John asked as he faced his former adversary.
Roman couldn’t look at him, so instead he started at the blackness outside. “Against my better judgement Marlena convinced me not to. I know you’re mad and I’m sorry.”
“I was mad, now I’m just hurt and confused. This should be a happy time…I mean, Doc and I always wanted another child and now we have one…but look at us….she can’t be around me without freaking out…I’m mad all the time at this situation and her for not remembering me.”
“So John, my man, have you warmed yourself up yet?” Alexie said as he entered the kitchen, interrupting the conversation.
“Not yet Pal, Roman and I were just catching up,” John said as he walked over to the maple cabinet, opened the door and pulled out an oversized coffee mug.
“Roman is a good man, my friend. A good man,” Alexie said as he put his arm around Roman’s shoulder. Both men watched as John poured himself a cup of coffee.
“That he is,” John said as he took a sip of the coffee. “Where’s Matrona, Alexie?” John asked.
“Did someone call for me,” Matrona said as she walked into the kitchen. “Mr. Black,” she said with excitement in her voice as she went over and hugged him. “It’s so good to see you Mr. Black.”
“I told you to call me John.”
“Sorry, you will always be Mr. Black to me,” Matrona said as she walked over to her husband and stood next to them, the darkness of their skin in contrast to the whiteness of the kitchen. “So, Mr. Black…what are we going to do?” she asked. “Mrs. Black is out to here,” Matrona said as she gestured with her hands how far out Marlenas stomach extended. John hoped that she was exaggerating. “That baby is going to be coming soon…she needs to go to a hospital or village clinic.”
“John brought a doctor but the doctor had to go to that village to get the kids…you know the ones that they spoke about on the VHF this afternoon,” Alexie explained to his wife.
“God be with them kids and that doctor…” Matrona said as she bowed her head briefly as if in prayer.
“I’m sure that they will be fine,” Roman said trying to reassure the group. The four occupants of the kitchen looked at each other as if in a loss for a conversation topic. Marlena was on everyone’s mind, but none was brave enough to bring her up. After several moments of silence John realized that he was going to have to be the one to break the ice.
“How is Marlena?” He asked. “Don’t give me the nice and polite answer Matrona and Alexie. Roman has already filled me in on her behavior as of late. I just want the truth. I want to know what I’m dealing with.” John looked back and forth between Alexie and Matrona wondering which one of them would be honest first.
“Alright…she’s a mean one, Mr. Black. You’re such a nice man…why did you ever pick that woman?”
“Matrona, you can’t say that to John,” Alexie scolded his wife.
“It’s alright Alexie, I asked her to tell me the truth…to answer your question, as you know Marlena hasn’t been herself lately. When she’s herself, she’s the most wonderful woman in the world.”
“Mr. Black…”
“Call me John.”
“Alright John…why did you send her up here with him?” she asked pointing to Roman, confusion all over her face.
“Why not…She trusts Roman…I trust Roman…”
“But he’s the baby’s father,” Matrona interrupted. John and Roman looked at her with shock.
“You can’t say something like that woman…keep your mouth shut,” her husband warned her, as he grabbed her by the arm, pulling her closer to him.
“No, it’s okay Alexie…Roman’s not the baby’s father…why would you think that?” John asked as he moved closer to Matrona.
“Yeah why would you?” Roman asked.
“I’m the baby’s father,” John said with authority.
“That’s not what Mrs. Black says,” Matrona revealed.
“What?” John asked loudly.
“This is none of our business woman…keep your mouth shut,” Alexie warned her again. He liked his comfortable lifestyle as the caretaker for the lodge and saw with each comment his wife made his livelihood being placed in jeopardy.
“No, Alexie…I want Matrona to explain to me what she just said…you said that Mrs. Black says that I’m not the father of her baby?” John asked, looking for confirmation. Matrona shook her head yes, unable to look John in the eyes.
John looked to Roman for confirmation. Roman looked away. “Wait…wait…wait a minute…what the hell is going on? Of course I’m the father of that baby. I am the only one that she’s been with since she had her miscarriage…there has been no one else…. has there?” John looked around the kitchen, which seemed to be growing smaller by the minute. All the occupants looked around and at each other, trying to avoid John’s glare.
“What the hell are you suggesting? Marlena was unfaithful and some other man fathered that child?” John felt the bile rising in his throat at the possibility. “No way…no way…amnesia or not, she wouldn’t fucking do that…she wouldn’t,” John said as he paced back and forth in front of the kitchen island.
“Could this day get any worse,” John exclaimed as he stopped pacing and placed his hands on the counter. “Roman, has Marlena been with any other men since she developed amnesia?” John asked him point blank.
“I don’t know John…All I can tell you is that what Matrona is saying is true…” Roman couldn’t look at him.
“What?” John yelled.
“Marlena has mentioned to me that you may not be the father,” Roman revealed.
“This is bullshit,” John said as he abruptly left the kitchen. He ascended the staircase quickly, with Alexie, Roman and Matrona in pursuit. At the top of the stairs he turned around and faced them. “This is between me and my wife…I suggest that the three of you go back downstairs and stay out of this.” John turned around and quickly walked down the hall, opening every door looking for Marlena. At the end of the hall he saw light coming out from under the door of the master suite. John slowly opened the door to the room. The room smelled of her. He heard the water running in the bathroom and slowly made his way into the room. He saw her reflection in the mirror as she prepared to step into the bathroom tub. Her breasts were much fuller than the last time he had seen them. Her stomach rounded, holding a life inside. He estimated that she was at least eight months pregnant based on her size. Tears came to his eyes at the sight of what he had been missing. She was carrying a child, a child that could be his. He wanted to take her into his arms and comfort her, for the baby to be his, for her to be his. Most of all he wanted this nightmare to end. He wiped the tears from his eyes, only to find new ones in place. He was so moved by the sight of her, so filled with love, that he’d forgotten why he was angry with her.
He needed to see her face, see her eyes. “Oh doc,” he whispered as he looked at her face in the mirror and saw her staring back at him, tears in her eyes.
Chapter 39
John gasped as he saw Marlena for the first time in months, really saw her. Besides from the obvious extension of her stomach, she was much paler and thinner than he remembered. “Oh doc,” he whispered as he looked at her face in the mirror and saw her staring back at him, tears in her eyes.
“John,” she whispered, as she moved her hands to cover her pregnant stomach. She didn’t want him to see her like this.
“Doc,” John whispered in return as he stepped into the bathroom and moved closer to Marlena.
“Please, I don’t want you to see me like this.” Marlena panicked as she saw him approach her. She grabbed a towel off the rack in an attempt to cover herself.
“You’re beautiful Marlena,” John said as he stood before her. He clenched his hands, open and shut, wanting to reach out and touch her, but afraid to.
“I’m not,” she said as she looked down, an errant tear running down her check. She reached up to wipe the tear away but John stopped her.
“Let me,” he said as he tenderly touched her face and wiped the tear away. She gasped at the sensation of him touching her and closed her eyes. “All I’ve ever wanted was to love you,” John stated plainly. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted…please let me love you Marlena.”
Marlena stood before him, one hand holding the towel to her chest, the other holding onto the towel bar for support. John’s closeness was suffocating to her. He was too close, too real.
“I’m afraid,” she whispered as she looked up at him. She didn’t think that she had the courage to face him, to talk to him. For the first time in months she found his presence comforting in a way. Suffocating, but comforting.
“What are you so afraid of?” he asked as he stared deep into her hazel eyes. He could see the love in her eyes, regardless of whether or not she was willing to admit it.
“I’m afraid to let you love me.”
“Its too late for that…I already do and always will…no matter what happens in this life the one thing that you can always count on is my love for you.”
“You deserve so much more.” After everything that they had been through over the last year, Marlena found it hard to comprehend why John was still here.
“Let me love you Marlena…please,” John pleaded with her. He held out his hand and slowly touched her face. He watched with fascination as she closed her eyes and held her breath. Although her mind may try to deny the feelings that she held for him, her body and heart would never lie. As he stroked her face softly with his one hand he reached for the towel with his other hand. “I need to see you” he whispered.
Marlena didn’t know if he was asking for permission or stating a fact. The analytical part of her mind calculated the personal risk she faced to her fragile mindset if he did touch her. Would she recoil in horror due to the flashbacks? Would her heart betray her and give in to him? She didn’t want to feel or think for once, she just wanted to be. Deciding to take a chance she nodded her head.
John smiled as he slowly took the towel out of her hand and pulled it toward him, away from her body.
“Oh god,” he sobbed as he saw her stomach close up for the first time. “That’s my baby in there,” he whispered as he dropped to his knees in front of her and put his head to her stomach. He reached up and lightly stroked her stomach. “That’s my baby,” he whispered. “Baby, I’m your daddy,” he said softly into her stomach, his fingertips lightly running along the contours. Marlena grabbed the towel bar with both hands, her knuckles white from the pressure. John touching her was too much. She felt sick to her stomach and weak. She was trying her hardest to be strong and not break down in front of him. After everything she had put him through, she couldn’t do that to him. She needed to be strong and keep it together and to let him have this moment with the baby.
“Baby, I can’t wait to meet you and hold you.” John continued stroking her stomach softly. “You are going to be the most loved baby in the whole world.” The baby chose that moment to betray Marlena and make its presence known. John felt the baby kick against his cheek. “Baby,” he whispered as tears formed in his eyes. Her pregnancy suddenly became that much more real to him.
“I’m going to be the best father to you,” he said as he traced the outline of a little foot, over and over. “You are so loved and wanted.” He felt a drop of moisture against his cheek. Looking up, he realized that Marlena was crying.
“Oh Doc,” he said as he stood up and cupped her face with his hand. “Thank you.” He heard her sharp intake of breath at his touch and saw her hands clench tighter on the towel bar.
“For what,” she whispered her bottom lip and chin quivering.
“Look at me, please,” he pleaded, as he wiped away one tear with his thumb.
Marlena opened her eyes and looked at him, her mind betraying her. John saw the fear in her eyes. “I would never hurt you intentionally. You have to believe that Marlena.”
“I’m so scared John,” Marlena said as the floodgates to her soul opened. She started sobbing. “I’m scared,” she cried out as her small frame shook. John reached out to take her in his arms, but saw that she stepped back.
“I’d never hurt you, please let me hold you.”
“I’m scared…I don’t want to be scared anymore…I don’t want to hurt anymore,” she said in between sobs. John felt awful, standing inches away from the woman that he loved more than anything in the world, and not being able to provide her with comfort.
John decided to take the chance. Slowly he reached out with one hand and touched her hand on the towel bar. “Give me your hand,” he said, as he looked her in the eyes, pleading with her to trust him.
Marlena slowly let go of the bar with one hand and let John take it. John noted how cold her fingers were. “Doc, how selfish of me…you’re probably freezing.” She shook her head in affirmation.
“Could you let go of the bar?” he asked, as he squeezed the one hand he was holding. She slowly released her other hand from the bar and allowed John to grasp it. She looked up at his face as saw that he was smiling.
“This is good…this is a good step,” he whispered to her. “See its not so scary is it?”
He watched as she shook her head no. He let go of one hand and reached down into the bathtub and checked the temperature of the water. “Marlena, why don’t you get into the bath? The water is still warm,” John said softly as he held onto her other hand.
“Okay,” she replied as she slowly sat down in the tub. John noticed that she was trembling.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said trying to reassure her. He could tell that she was trying her hardest to keep it together and not break down. Part of him wished that she would break down so that at least they could finally discuss all the things he’d been avoiding talking with her about due to her condition.
“I’m sorry John.” Such a simple statement that meant so much to him. But what was she sorry for? Crying? Breaking down in front of him? Fucking Roman? Treating him like shit for the past 11 months? Ignoring him and treating him like a leper? Being emotionally unavailable to him when he needed her most? Accusing him of rape? Getting pregnant with his child and not telling him? As much as he needed to know, being close to her was more important.
“It’s okay,” John reassured her as he picked up a washcloth and placed it in the water. He squirted some lavender liquid bath soap into the wash cloth and then took her arm and slowly ran the wash cloth up and down her arm, cleaning it. John watched her face closely, looking for signs that he was going to far and making her uncomfortable. He picked up her other arm and did the same thing. Marlena leaned back into the tub, resting her head on a bathtub pillow. John noticed that her breasts and stomach were the only parts of her body visible above the water.
“I’m going to wash your legs,” he told her before he picked up one slender foot from underneath the bubbles and took it in his hands. He always loved how perfectly her foot fit in the palm of his hand. With his other hand he picked up the washcloth and slowly washed her feet, taking time to massage them. The old Marlena loved when he’d massage her feet at night after a hard day’s work. He cleaned and massaged the other foot, noticing the relaxed look on Marlenas face.
Seeing that her eyes were closed, John took the time to study her stomach, marveling that a mere centimeters of skin, fat and muscle separated him from his child. He wondered how the baby was doing and what it looked like. Would it be a little girl and look like her big sister Isabella or would she look more like him, dark hair and blue eyes? Would it be a little boy that looked like Brady with blond hair and blue eyes or would the little boy look like him; dark hair and blue eyes? John put the washcloth down on the side of the bathtub and squirted more lavender soap in his hands. He lathered his hands and then slowly reached down and lightly touched her stomach, watching her face carefully. She immediately tensed up and clenched her eyes shut tighter but didn’t say anything. John slowly ran circles with his fingers around her belly, paying particular attention not to touch her breasts, even though he so desperately wanted to.
“Hi baby,” he whispered as he ran his fingers lightly around her belly button. The baby moved, turning on its side. John saw the bulge in stomach where the baby had tried to expand his or her living space. He lightly pressed his fingers down, feeling the baby. The baby responded to his touch. John was rewarded with the sensation of seeing and feeling the baby move once again. “Oh my god, I feel the baby…the baby knows I’m here Marlena,” he said to her with wonderment on his face. Marlena started crying softly, not wanting to open her eyes and see John looking at her with love.
He pressed down lightly on her stomach with his fingertips once again. “Baby, its your Daddy….I love you.” The baby turned again and stuck out a hand, pressing it up and against Marlena’s belly. John couldn’t stop the tears that flowed from his eyes at the sensation of communicating with his baby. Regardless of what Marlena had done in the past, nothing mattered. They had created the life that she carried within her that he would forever be grateful for.
He needed to know that she was feeling what he was. Regardless of the amnesia, she was still intrinsically his Doc, his Marlena and no personality change could alter who she was at her core. His gaze slowly moved from her stomach, past her breasts to her eyes. She was staring at him intently, tears running down her cheeks. Her one hand gripped onto the side of the bathtub and the other holding onto the safety grab-bar.
“Oh Doc,” he whispered in love as his hand continued moving along her stomach. She felt her baby move again as it tried to communicate with John.
“I’m sorry,” she cried out. “I’m sorry John…. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay Marlena,” he said as he stoked her stomach lightly. “Nothing else matters now but this baby…thank you for this gift…this baby means more to me than you will ever know.”
“Please don’t say that,” she begged him. “Please don’t.” Her small frame shook from the sobs that overcame her. John didn’t understand where all this was coming from.
“Marlena, it’s going to be okay,” he said as he slowly brushed his thumbs along her cheekbones, wiping away her tears. “I’m here for you. I’ll help you through this.” Marlena panicked at his words and his proximity. All the doubts and insecurities she pushed down, slowly rose to the surface of her mind. She felt sick and was having trouble breathing.
“John…I….need….to…..get….out…of…here,” she managed to get out between breaths.
“What’s wrong?” John panicked at her sudden change of behavior.
Marlena sat up abruptly in the tub and attempted to stand. She felt dizzy, grabbing onto the towel bar for support. John didn’t know what else to do but help her out of the tub. He put his arm around her waist to support her body. The contact was a sensory overload for Marlena. “No,” she cried out as she tried get John’s arm out from around her. John didn’t know what was wrong and held onto her tighter, afraid that she would slip and fall.
“No,” she cried out again. Memories of John flashed through her mind. John telling her with authority, “We are not gonna argue Doc, we are gonna get back to basics, we are gonna get back to a love that we have shared for all these years, a love that has somehow been put aside by all this confusion and anger, but in my heart I know that love still exists, and is as strong as ever, and I am gonna prove it to you…I’m going to take you home and have my way with you.” She felt him as he picked her up and threw her on the bed and forced himself on her.
She grabbed onto her head, trying to stop the memory and the feelings associated with it. “I can’t do this, I can’t,” she cried out, trying to remove John’s arm from around her.
“Doc, I’m here for you…everything is going to be okay…let me help you to the bed,” John said trying to reassure her. He held onto her tighter.
“No,” she screamed as she slipped from his arms and fell to the floor trying to get away from him. “No….oh god,” she screamed out again in pain as she held onto her stomach.
“Marlena…Marlena…what is it,” John said as he kneeled down next to her in concern.
“Something’s wrong with the baby,” she whispered before she passed out.
Chapter 40
“Something’s wrong with the baby,” Marlena whispered to John before she passed out.
“No Doc, no,” John said as he slowly shook her, trying to wake her up. “Don’t do this to me Doc,” he said to her lifeless form.
“Roman,” he screamed as loud as he could, hoping that Roman could hear him from downstairs. Her cradled her still form in his arms. She was so cold. “Roman,” he screamed again, panic starting to set in. He slowly stood up with her in his arms and carried her to the bed, noticing that she was bleeding profusely from between her legs.
“Doc, you’ve got to be okay,” he said to her tenderly as he laid her down on the bed. He grabbed a blanket that sat on a nearby chair and placed it over her. “Roman, Alexie, Matrona,” he screamed as loud as he could.
Minutes later Roman ran into the bedroom, stopping at the foot of the bed. “What’s wrong John,” he said trying to catch his breath. Alexie and Matrona soon followed. John was on the bed with Marlena cradled in his arms.
“Something’s wrong with Doc and the baby…she said that something was wrong and then passed out,” John said looking to them for guidance. “She’s bleeding,” he said softly, not wanting to believe it. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her…you’ve got to help me.”
“Let me see her,” Matrona said as she climbed on the bed and knelt next to Marlena. She slowly lowered the blanket that John had places over her. “Would you mind,” she said looking at Alexie and Roman once she realized that Mrs. Black was nude. As she touched Marlena all the hatred, resentment and animosity she felt for her disappeared. Here was a human being that needed her help and she felt obliged to help irregardless of who the person was.
“Alexie, get on the VHF and get Mr. Black’s plane here now…Something is wrong, she’s losing a lot of blood. Her only chance is to leave now,” Matrona muttered to her husband in Yupik, knowing that Mr. Black and Roman wouldn’t be able to understand what she was saying. Alexie immediately left the room to go to the radio and call for a medevac or John’s plane, whichever would arrive first.
“Matrona, tell me in English…what’s wrong with my wife,” John said as he looked down at her pale and lifeless form. Her dark red blood was quickly saturating the white bed linens.
“I think that the baby is coming Mr. Black,” she told him in English as she felt for a pulse on Marlena. It was faint but weak.
“What,” Roman exclaimed as he turned around. He saw Marlena lying in a pool of blood. “Oh god,” he said as he turned back around. “Oh god, what are we going to do? Your plane John and the OB/GYN, we need to call them,” Roman said in a panic. He quickly walked over to the door prepared to make the call himself.
“Alexie already did,” Matrona informed Roman. “Everybody needs to stay calm. Panicking here isn’t going to help Mrs. Black….Now, I may not look it but I’ve had experience helping my people deliver babies…Roman, I need you to bring me so clean towels, a bowl of water and a washcloth,” Matrona said to Roman in as calm a voice as she could muster.
Roman went into the bathroom where he was quickly nauseated by the amount of blood that was on the floor. Sidestepping the bloody mess, he retrieved the items that Matrona asked for.
“Mr. Black….native women have delivered babies for hundreds of years without all your expensive doctors and hospitals…I’m sure that Mrs. Black and her baby will be fine.” Matrona continued checking Marlena’s pulse.
“That doesn’t matter….all that matters is Doc…Come on Doc, wake up please,” John said as he rocked her back and forth in his arms. “I need you Doc, I need this baby…Don’t do this to me,” he pleaded with her.
“Mr. Black, try to keep her still…I know with all the blood it looks bad, probably looks worse than it is, but still I need to check her, if that’s okay with you?” She asked. John nodded his head yes and watched as Matrona moved Marlena’s lower body so that she was lying on her back. She quickly parted her legs and inserted a couple of fingers into Marlena checking to see if she was dilated. John saw her move her other hand on top of her stomach and press down. John was overjoyed to see the baby move.
“That’s a good sign,” Matrona muttered under her breath. “The baby is still alive. Roman could you let Alexie know that need to see him now?” Matrona asked, trying to keep the concern out of her voice.
Roman left the room and ran down the stairs to find Alexie. Alexie was arguing with someone over the VHF and from the sound of the conversation Alexie appeared to be discouraged and upset. Upon seeing Roman he said his good-byes to whoever was on the other end of the radio and terminated the transmission. “What’s going on my friend?” Roman asked him.
“Roman, man, this is no good…no good at all.”
“What do you mean? What’s wrong?”
“John’s plane with the doctor and the kids made it to Anchorage but they can’t come back due to a storm that is coming. All flights in and out of Anchorage are grounded for the time being…that includes the medevac flights.” Alexie put his head in his hands wondering how he was going to tell his boss this bit of news.
“What about flights out of Fairbanks or Juneau for that matter?” Roman asked trying to think where else they could get a plane out of.
“Doesn’t matter…look outside Roman…it’s a mess…the storm is covering half the state. The wind alone makes flying dangerous if not impossible. Add to that the whiteout condition…no one is coming here or leaving here anytime soon.”
“That’s not good enough Alexie…Doc is in bad shape up there…I don’t know what’s wrong with her but it’s a mess. Matrona needs to see you now,” Roman said as he turned around and went back upstairs, Alexie following him.
Matrona looked up when she saw Roman and Alexie enter the room. “Alexie, we are going to have to get this baby out now or they are both going to die,” Matrona warned him in Yupik. “She losing to much blood too quickly…She’s not dilated enough for the baby to come out naturally…I don’t know what’s wrong.” Matrona was trying to be strong and not let John and Roman see the graveness of the situation.
“God be with them,” Alexie replied to Matrona in his native tongue. He looked down at Mrs. Black on the bed. Matrona was right. She was losing a lot of blood.
“When is the plane going to get here?” John asked, unaware of the severity of the situation.
“It’s not John,” Roman said as he put a hand on his shoulder. “All planes are grounded due to the storm. There’s no telling when things will clear up enough to get someone in here.”
“No, No, No. I won’t accept that,” John cried out as he placed both of his hands on his wife’s stomach. “Look at her, she’s bleeding for gods sake.” John removed one hand from Marlenas stomach and picked up a towel and attempted to soak up some of the blood. “We can’t let her bleed to death…someone has to get here and help her.”
“John, my friend,” Alexie said as he faced his boss. “There is no one out there that can help us. We need to work together and get this baby out now,” Alexie said in the most serious and stern voice he could muster. John needed to understand that help wasn’t coming. The only help that they had were themselves.
“How?” John asked. “She’s unconscious…oh my god, she’s going die….she’s going to die,” John stated in shock. “She can’t die, she can’t,” John sobbed as he held tightly onto Marlena torso. Roman looked on is disbelief. The strong John Black that he knew so well was falling apart at the seams. Matrona and Alexie stood by helplessly watching. John clutched Marlena to him tighter and moved her so that she was resting in his lap. “I love you…I love you…I love you…don’t leave me,” he whispered to her as he sobbed, planting small kisses along her lips and jaw line.
Roman, as heartbroken as he was at the site of his ex-wife dying before him, couldn’t take it anymore. She was going to die if they didn’t do something. “Goddammit John, snap out of it…this isn’t helping her.. Pull it together man or they are both going to die,” Roman warned him as he put his hand on John’s shoulder.
“No,” John cried.
“Give me to her,” Roman said as he attempted to pull Marlena out of John’s arms. “You can sit over there and watch or you can help, but goddammit I am not going to sit here and watch her die in your arms.” Roman successfully pulled Marlena lose from John and laid on her the side of the bed.
“Matrona, what do we need to do?” he asked her as he watched John out of the corner of his eye. John was quickly going into shock, unable to comprehend what was happening in front of his eyes. “We don’t have time to save your ass also,” Roman said as he walked up to John and punched him hard in the face, trying to bring him back to reality.
“What was that for?” John asked as he slowly rubbed his cheek. He looked down at the sight before him.
“This is not good,” he stated matter of factly, upon seeing all the blood.
“That’s obvious John…We need to get the baby out now,” Roman said as watched as Matrona took Marlena’s pulse again.
“She’s losing too much blood Roman,” Matrona said, “and her pulse is weakening. The baby needs to come out now.”
“She is not going to die, neither is that baby,” John said as he mentally grasped the severity of the situation finally. When Roman hit him, something in him snapped and the mercenary in him returned. All the medical training he received while employed by Stefano Dimera suddenly returned. “This is what we are going to do…I need to measure for dilation, but Matrona and Alexie I need you to roll her on her side first. I’m worried that her uterus may be compressing her inferior vena cava and her aorta, obstructing the venous return and arterial blood flow…If we don’t watch out, she could have a heart attack or bleed to death.” John watched as they rolled her to the side, then he quickly inserted three fingers into his wife and felt around, while his other hand pressed down on her pelvis. The baby wasn’t responding to the pressure. He withdrew his bloody fingers. “Roman I need you to switch places with Alexie…Alexie go to the kitchen and get the sharpest knife you can find, a candle, matches, a sewing kit, and as many bottles of alcohol you can find, nothing flavored…I need them now.” As soon as Roman switched places with Alexie, John turned his attention back to Marlena.
“Matrona I need you to count the beats per minute and let me know what it is. Roman, I need to know how far along Marlena is…I need to know what I am facing.”
“What do you need to know?” Roman asked as he looked down at his ex-wife and said a little prayer for her and the baby.
“How far along is she? Don’t fucking lie to me either. If the baby is less than 20 to 23 weeks old it’s not going to make due to its gestational age.
“I don’t know,” Roman said plainly. “At least six months.”
“Okay, that’s 24 weeks, we’d be cutting it close and the chance for the baby’s survival would be minimal. Assuming that I’m the father, she’d have to be seven months along or 28 weeks, much better chance of survival…This is going to be such a crap shoot, but we really have no chance…I’d rather know what I’m getting into before hand. If I can play the odds, there’ll be no surprises.” Roman was too stunned at what was going on before him to think about John’s logic…What the hell could he mean if the baby was less than 7 months, who else did he think it belonged to? And more than 7 months? God help them if that was the case.
“Matrona how’s her pulse?” John asked as he got up from the bed and went into the bathroom for more linens. Matrona shouted out the figures.
“Keep her on her side,” he shouted out as he grabbed as many towels and sheets he could find in the bathroom.
“I got the stuff John,” Alexie said out of breath as he ran into the room. He set all the items on the bedside table.
“Great,” John said as he moved Marlena on the bed, putting clean sheets under her. He opened the bottle of Vodka and poured some onto the wash cloth. “Roman, take this and clean her stomach area…Alexie, I need you to get two more items for me…go to the shed and see if there is a soldering iron in there and then check the medicine cabinets and see if you can find any drugs in the house that contain epinephrine, casopressin or dopamine. We need to decrease the blood flow to the uterus…Try the VHF again…I need an ETA on that plane.”
“What the hell do you have in mind?” Roman asked, hoping that what he thought wasn’t true.
“I’m going to do a cesarean section on Marlena.” John said as he lit the candle that Alexie brought and started to sterilize the knife in the flame.
“No fucking way John…No way…you’re going to kill them both.” Romans’ response was more of a plea. John could not be serious about cutting the baby out of Marlena.
“If I don’t do something they’re going to die anyway. The baby isn’t moving Roman. Yes, I admit, this is the worst possible setting…We aren’t in a hospital, we aren’t professionals and we sure as hell don’t have the proper equipment… So fucking what? We’re going to make do. My wife is not going to fucking die on me and neither is my kid.”
John poured the remainder of the bottle of vodka on Marlena’s bare stomach. “God, I sure the hell hope that she can’t feel this.” He bent over her in prayer, using his right hand to make the sign of the cross, tracing from forehead to breast and from shoulder to shoulder. “In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti…Forgive me for what I’m about to to do.” John picked up the knife and slowly made an incision into Marlena.
Chapter 41
John poured the remainder of the bottle of vodka on Marlena’s bare stomach. “God, I sure the hell hope that she can’t feel this.” He bent over her in prayer, using his right hand to make the sign of the cross, tracing from forehead to breast and from shoulder to shoulder. “In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti…Forgive me for what I’m about to do.” John picked up the knife and slowly made a horizontal incision just above her pubic hairline. Marlena’s dark red blood flowed freely from the wound, collecting in the gap between where her legs met her torso, and then finally running down the outside of her thighs onto the bed.
“John, found a soldering iron, but no drugs.” Alexie said as he handed John the dirty instrument. “Oh dear god, god be with her,” he muttered under his breath when he saw that John was performing a very crude cesarean section on Marlena. Although John was calm and collected, the scene before him was more out of a horror movie.
“Great, Roman, clean it off with alcohol and then plug it in…Alexie, get on the VHF and get me an ETA on a plane. Roman, how’s that iron heating up? I need to cauterize some of these blood vessels…. Matrona, what’s her pulse?” John said in a hurry, shouting orders one by one. He used a clean washcloth to soak up some of the blood that was occluding his view.
“Sixty-five beats per minute and dropping,” Matrona informed him, a worried look on her face. She looked down at the rapidly expanding crimson stain on the bed and wasn’t confident that Mrs. Black or her baby were going to make it.
“Come on Doc,” John muttered, “Stay with me,” John said softly to Marlena as he completed his initial incision through the thin layer of skin and fat, leaving her uterus visable.
“Here, John,” Roman said as he handed John the hot soldering iron. He watched in fascination as John lowered the tip of hot iron carefully onto the bleeding blood vessels, careful to minimize contact with her tissue. Within seconds the blood loss lessened, but the smell of burning flesh permeated the air.
“Hold this please,” John said as he carefully handed Roman the soldering iron.
“Pulse?” John asked Matrona as he quickly inspected his work.
“Sixty and dropping,” Matrona warned him.
“Hurry John,” Roman said in a panic, alarmed at the attention to detail John was taking in this time of emergancy.
Roman and Matrona waited in anticipation as John picked up the knife again and slowly made a six inch horizontal incision through her uterine muscle. John was surprised when some of the amniotic fluid spilled out, but was pleased to see that it didn’t contain meconium.
“Damn,” he said as he adjusted the uterus to minizmize the spillage. He looked up at Roman and then at Matrona who was carefully monitoring Marlena’s pulse. Matrona had a look of nausea on her face and John could tell by the way that she was sitting that she was doing everything she could to avoid looking down. John looked back at Roman and closed his eyes for a brief second, in disbelief as to what he was about to ask. “Roman under any other circumstance there is no way in hell I’d let you do this to my wife but I have no choice.”
“What do you need me to do?” Roman asked, hoping that John wasn’t going to ask him to make any incisions on Marlena.
“Her amniotic sac is intact. Seeing that we don’t have anything here to suction it out and we don’t have time to find something to use, I need you to reach up inside Marlena and break the sac.”
“You want me to what?” Roman asked.
“You heard me pal…try it with your fingers…if that doesn’t work you’re going to need to find an object to grab onto it so that it tears.”
“Oh god,” Roman said as he moved to the end of the bed between his ex-wifes bloody legs. Carefully, under John’s suspicious gaze, he inserted two fingers into his ex-wife.
“What the hell am I looking for?” he asked John as he moved his fingers around.
“You’ll know it when you feel it,” John said as he held her uterus carefully, desperating wanting to reach in and rescue his child. He was so close.
“I can’t feel anything but a nasty mess…I’d rather hold the uterus than do this,” Roman admitted, disgusted by what he was doing.
John rolled his eyes, knowing that they were losing previous time. “Fine, come over and hold this,” John said as he took Romans’s bloody hand and placed it on the edge of Marlena’s open abdomen. “Don’t move..Matrona, what’s her pulse?” John asked as he reached his hand inside of Marlena and quickly ruptured the thin menbrane of her uterine sac. As he pulled his hand out a flood of amniontic fluid gushed out. John quickly took hold of her uterus from Roman.
“Fifty.”
“Shit, this baby’s coming out now…Where the hell is Alexie? Come on Doc, hang in there for me a little while longer,” he begged her, concentrating on the task before him.
“Matrona, I need you to stop what you are doing and go into the bathroom and get a clean towel. I’m going to hand you the baby, while Roman and I concentrate on Doc,” John ordered her as he slowly reached into Marlena’s uterus and felt for the baby’s head. “Roman, press down on the top of her stomach,” John ordered him. As Roman pressed down, John was able to grab the baby by the head and support its neck as he slowly lifted the baby from her body. John picked up the knife and cut the umbilical cord.
“Matrona, hurry,” John yelled. Matrona came running in from the bathroom with an open towel in her arms. “Oh my god,” she whispered when she saw the tiny baby that John was holding.
“Take the baby,” he said as he handed the baby off to her.
“Get me the soldering iron Roman,” John asked as he applied pressure on her uterus where it was bleeding profusely. “Where the fuck is Alexie…we need him here now.”
“The baby’s not breathing,” Matrona said in a panic.
“Shit, Roman put your hand here,” John said as he grabbed Roman’s hand and placed it upon Marlena’s uterus.
“I’m going to be sick,” Roman said to himself as he applied pressure and closed his eyes tightly.
“Let me see the baby,” John said as he took his child out of Matrona’s arms. He rubbed the baby’s face with a towel to see if stimulation would cause the baby to breathe on its own. “Shit,” he said as he realized that the baby still wasn’t breathing. “Come on baby,” he said before he lowered his mouth over the baby’s mouth and nose trying to clear the airway of mucous. The baby cried out loudly.
“Thank god,” Roman said.
“Clean the baby and keep it warm,” John said as he kissed the baby on its forehead and then handed him back into Matrona’s waiting arms. Marlena had given him a son.
“Let me see,” John said to Roman as he got back on the bed. “Roman, I need for you to check her pulse for me…. With all this blood loss I’m concerned.”
“Thirty-five John,” Roman said in a panic. “We’re losing her.”
“Give me the pillows now,” John ordered as he reached up and grabbed two of the pillows on the bed and placed them under Marlena’s thighs and butt. “I need more pillows,” John yelled. Roman got up from the bed and ran into the other room and returned with more pillows. John quickly placed them under Marlena, trying to raise her legs.
“Pulse?”
“Thirty.”
“Damn.” John moved the pillows so that her lower abdomen was higher than her heart.
“Pulse?”
“Thirty-five…. Its climbing,” Roman said ecstatically, surprised that what John had done appeared to be working.
“How’s the baby?” John asked Matrona as he looked over to where she was sitting on the floor with the baby, cleaning him up.
“This little boy is a strong one,” Matrona said as she looked down at the black haired child.
“Roman, keep monitoring her pulse…Alexie?” John yelled again as he reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the soldering iron. After several tense minutes he was able to control her bleeding. He slowly reached into her abdomen to retrieve the placenta.
“What the fuck,” he said as he came into contract with a foot.
“Roman, press down on her abdomen again, like before,” John said in a panic, realizing that at least ten minutes had gone by since the first baby was delivered. “Please let this baby be alright,” he said to himself as he felt for the head and neck. As Roman pushed down, John was able to free the baby.
“Oh my god,” Roman said in astonishment and then started laughing. What was the probability of this happening?
“Monitor the pulse…make sure it’s increasing…if it drops I need to know immediately,” John told Roman as he took the baby and placed it on the bed, cutting the umbilical cord first. .
“Come on little one,” John said as he stroked the baby’s face lightly, then put his mouth over the baby’s nose and mouth and lightly blew, trying to dislodge any mucous from the airway. The baby was still unresponsive. “Come on baby,” John said as he tried to suction and clear the baby’s airways once again. He felt for a pulse and didn’t find one.
“Dammit, I’m not going to lose you,” he said as he started CPR on his little girl. After 30 seconds of chest compressions, he breathed into her nose and mouth, praying that she would breathe on her own.
“The medevac is still grounded in Anchorage,” Alexie informed John as he entered the room. “Holy shit,” he said upon seeing all the blood and two babies.
“Alexie, I need for you to monitor Marlena’s pulse. If it drops below 35 beats per minute I need to know…. Roman, I need for you to check and make sure that there isn’t another baby in there,” John ordered as he gave the baby chest compressions.
He stopped long enough to blow into the baby’s nose and mouth.
From across the room John heard the wail of his newborn son. Roman smiled at the sound and then grimaced as he reached into Marlena’s exposed uterus. “Nope,” Roman said as he slowly felt around.
“Check to see if the placenta is detached. I imagine that it is and its what caused the bleeding to begin with,” John said matter of factly as he rhythmically gave his daughter chest compressions with his fingers. She was so small and frail looking, much smaller than her brother.
Roman slowly lifted the placenta out of Marlena and set it on the bed beside her, covering it with a towel. “Now what?” he asked as he watched John trying to revive the tiny infant.
“Alexie, how’s Marlena’s pulse?”
“Fine.”
“Roman, please go quickly to the kitchen and bring saran wrap and more towels up here. Also grab the space heater that’s in my office. We are going to need it to keep these babies warm.”
“I feel a pulse,” John exclaimed as he felt and saw the tiny beat of his daughters heart. “Come on baby, breathe for daddy,” John said before he blew into her mouth and nose once again.
“I love you so much little one…breathe for me please,” he softly pleaded with his daughter. He blew into her once again, praying that she could do this on her own. Suddenly she gasped for air, coughed and started breathing on her own. “Oh thank god,” John exclaimed as he watched his daughter’s color change from blue to a beautiful pink. He checked her pulse and was thankful that it was near 100 beats per minute.
“Got the items,” Roman said as he entered the room, looking at the site before him.
“Roman, wrap the babies torsos in the saran wrap place them in a blanket near the space heater. Due to their prematurity they are susceptible to hypothermia. Monitor their pulses and make sure that it doesn’t drop below 100 beats per minute. I need to help their mother.” John handed his blond haired daughter over to Roman and wiped his bloody hands on his pants and knelt next to Marlena, sewing kit in hand.
“Doc, I’m so proud of you…Just a couple more minutes and this will all be over with and you can wake up and see your beautiful babies,” John said softly to Marlena as he threaded a needle and began to slowly sew her up.
“Doc, you should see the babies, they are both strong fighters just like you…They need their mother and so do I so you’d better hang in there for me.” As John sewed the incision that he had made, he spoke words of love and encouragement to Marlena, hoping that she could hear him and would have the strength to hold on until help arrived.
“Pulse?” He asked Alexie.
“Sixty five and holding.”
John nodded his head, slowly looking around the room before him. Matrona and Roman were tending to the babies in the corner of the room, trying to keep them warm. He could see an occasional hand reach out, but little else. Alexie sat up against the headboard monitoring Marlena’s pulse, in shock at what had happened. As John observed what was before him he tried to comprehend how in less than one hour everything could change so much. Less than one hour before he was talking to her in the bathroom, now she lay pale and lifeless in the middle of the bed. John had medical training and knew full well the statistical probability of survival with this amount of blood loss. Her chances were not good and neither were the babies.
“John,” Alexie asked looking around at the blood that seemingly covered the surface of everything within a five-foot radius of the bed, “What happens if the medevac can’t get here soon because of the storm.”
“Then she dies,” John said as a single tear rolled down his cheek. “She dies.”
Chapter 42
John laid numbly on the bed holding Marlena in his arms as the sun slowly rose in the eastern sky. Out the window, he could see a fresh blanket of snow carefully covering the trees and ground. Flurries fell one by one from the sky, occasionally catching the light of the sun, making them shimmer. John laughed at the irony before him. Outside lay a winter wonderland, a child’s delight. Inside the room was a nightmare. Blood was covering almost every surface near John.
As he cradled his dying wife, John thought back to the events of the past twenty-four hours. The previous evening, after Marlena had been stabilized, John sent Alexie down to monitor the VHF and get a medevac flight up to the lodge. He then walked over to the corner where Roman and Matrona were caring for his babies. Matrona held the little boy in her arms. As John reached out and latched onto his sons tiny hand, tears came to his eyes.
“It’s not fair,” he said to the baby as Roman and Matrona looked on. “You should be in your momma’s arms right now in a hospital.” He continued holding onto the tiny hand, while his other hand reached underneath the baby. Slowly and carefully he brought his son to his chest. “This should be the happiest day of my life,” he said to the baby unable to continue as a knot formed in his throat when he thought about the very real probability of the babies not making it. They were too small, too premature and just barely hanging on. John knew that they needed medical treatment and that if they were born in a hospital they both would be in the pediatric ICU.
“I need to give you a name,” he said as he stroked his sons black hair. If either of his children didn’t make it he wanted them to at least have a name and know that they were loved even for the brief time they were on earth. Thinking back to his years as a priest, he wanted these children to have biblical names. Maybe somehow God would hear his prayers and intervene and save them.
“You look like a Noah to me little one,” he said as he kissed the top of the baby’s head. “Noah Black I love you more than you will ever know…you stay strong and fight for me baby.” He hugged the child and placed a tender kiss on Noah’s head before handing him back to Matrona.
John wiped the tears from his eyes before he knelt in front of Roman who was holding his daughter. The little girl was much smaller than Noah and her color much worse. Although her heart was beating steadily, her breathing was erratic. John knew that she was not going to make it through the next few hours unless help arrived. He reached out and took her fragile body in his arms, cradling her to his chest. She looked so much like Belle when she was a baby. “Princess you look like a Rachel to me,” he said as he lightly stroked the baby’s cheek with a finger. “Rachel Black you are a fighter, you hear me….you are going to fight and make it…I love you more than you’ll ever know and I am so happy that you chose me to be your daddy….just hang on a little while longer my sweet princess,” John said before he started sobbing. He held the baby closer to his chest and his sobs wracked his body. “Don’t die little girl, please don’t die.”
As he handed Rachel to Roman, he hoped that God would hear his prayer and protect his children and their mother.
“Please take them downstairs to the den. The room is smaller and you should be able to keep it warmer. Matrona, could you make a mixture of sugar and sterilized water and feed it to the babies” John asked as he tried to compose himself.
“Sure Mr. Black,” Matrona said as she stood up with Noah. John kissed his son on his head. “Goodbye, my son…I love you so much,” he said as he started crying again. He had no idea if this would be the last time her saw either or his children alive.
“John, I’ll make sure that they hang in until help arrives,” Roman said as he stood with Rachel. “This little girl is a fighter like her mother and father.”
“I appreciate you saying that Roman,” John said as he bent down and kissed Rachel on the forehead. “Goodbye…..My princess, your daddy loves you.” John broke down in tears unable to keep it together.
“Oh god why?” he sobbed as he fell to the floor. “Why? Haven’t you punished me enough? Punish me…not my children…. They’re just innocent babies.” Roman stood by helplessly with tears in his eyes, not knowing how to comfort John. The only one truly capable of comforting him lay dying on the bed. Not knowing what to do Roman quietly left the room with Rachel in his arms.
“Why god, why?” John continued to cry out in anguish. “Please don’t take them….take me, but not them.”
“God,” John declared as he slowly stood up and stumbled to the bed. “You are not going to take Marlena from me…that’s not going to happen… she’s going to live,” John said in anger as he climbed onto the bed and laid down next to Marlena, taking her body into his arms.
“You’re going to hang on and be fine,” he said as he stroked her hair, but not believing what he said. Her breathing was irregular and heartbeat erratic, her pallor pale. “You are not going to die so if you are even thinking of leaving me, forget about it.”
Logically he knew that this was the end for Marlena. She had lost too much blood and her body had experienced too many traumas to survive. Knowing in his heart that this was most likely the end, he was glad for the fact that he had the opportunity to share this time with her alone. He felt selfish, but knew he needed the time to let her know all the things that he should have said over the years but never did. If she was going to die before help arrived, he wanted to make sure that he had to opportunity to tell her exactly how much she meant to him. He didn’t want any regrets in the end, things that he might have said but never did.
All night long her held her in his arms and talked to her, not letting a minute go by. How do you sum up twenty years of a life spent with an amazing woman? How do you say goodbye?
As the morning sun rose, John said a prayer of thanks. “Doc, you made it through the night,” John said as he kissed her on the cheek and adjusted the blanket that covered them. Her skin was cold to the touch and her pulse rate roughly sixty beats per minute.
“Just a little while longer and I’m sure that help will arrive….the storm looks like it has passed. I bet the medevac is on its way here now to help.”
“You are such an amazing woman Doc…you are so strong…you’re the strongest woman I know,” John said as he put his hand over her heart, desperately needing to feel the faint constrictions it made against muscle and tissue as it pumped.
Suddenly, Marlena felt the sensation of fingers gently moving gently along her breastbone. Her mind relaxed at the sensation of the touch and she allowed herself to give into the comfort that she felt. Slowly the feeling moved up her chest to her neck and finally to her face. Someone was touching her in a very intimate and personal manner. Marlena panicked at the sensation of the touch, not understanding why she was being touched. “You are my life,” she faintly heard John saying. The sound of her own blood pumping drowned out his voice. She tried to concentrate as to what he was saying but could barely hear him. “…..my forever love.” She felt what she assumed were John’s hands move back down her neck to her torso. Intrinsically she knew that it was wrong for John to be touching her. He was her ex-husband, why was he touching her? She panicked at the sensation of his touch, trying to move her body but finding that it wouldn’t respond. She tried to open her mouth to scream but couldn’t make her muscles move. Did she have a spinal cord injury? Was that the reason for her paralysis? Slowly she attempted to open her eyes, but found that they too wouldn’t open. What the hell was wrong with her?
“…you should see the babies Doc…they are both little fighters. Noah is the little boy. He has black hair and blue eyes, but all babies have blue eyes, right. Rachel is our little girl, the spitting image of Belle. She’s going to be beautiful just like you. You have to hold on Doc…they both need you.” Marlena faintly heard John say. “What children?” she tried to ask him. “Who are Noah and Rachel?” She panicked once again and tried to move her body but found that it wouldn’t respond. She heard a baby crying. “Who are you?” she cried out to the baby, “Where are you?” She felt John’s finger tips move up and down her arm. The touch was so gentle and relaxing.
“You’re not going to die Doc…help will get here soon and you’ll be fine.” She felt tremendous pressure on her chest. Did she hear correctly? She was dying? Suddenly it became clear to her as to why she couldn’t move and he couldn’t hear what she was trying to say to him. She was dying.
She faintly heard what John was saying to her as a memory that was locked in her mind returned. “I always thought that the love you and I felt for each other could overcome anything…and I mean anything. But at the end of the day, they are only words, that’s all.” It was too painful. She didn’t want to remember, trying to shut the memories down. The sound of blood pumping in her ears slowly decreased to a much more manageable level.
“Marlena, if you make it through this, I swear things will be different…I want to make things right with you from the beginning…I’m willing to just be your friend if that’s what you need.” Marlena faintly heard John talking to her once again.
Marlena didn’t want things to be different and couldn’t understand what was happening to her. She tried to recall where she was and why, but couldn’t summon the energy to. She was tired and just wanted everything to stop. As her mind drifted further into unconsciousness, she heard John yelling at her and the baby crying.
“Goddammit Doc, you are going to stay with me,” he said as he felt her pulse becoming weaker. He shook her by the shoulders in desperation. The sound of the baby’s cries became louder and louder.
Marlena felt him touch her bare shoulders, as her mind retrieved another memory it had long since forgotten. “Doc, that night on the plane when you and I made love…you gave me life again, Doc. And if nothing more comes out of this, I just want to say thank you. If you want me to leave, I will. Is that what you want?” She relived the desperation on John’s face as he told her that. She felt his pain and his love. Could it be possible that he loved her as much as he said her had? Enough to let her go?
“Come back to me Doc,” John pleaded as he felt her pulse rate slowly increase. Was it possible that she was hearing what he was saying? He bent down and kissed her gently on the lips. Her lips were cold and pale in contrast to his.
As she felt John’s smooth lips against her own, she envisioned John telling her in an earlier time, “You’re the love of my life… don’t ever lose sight of that.” She panicked at the sensation, as the memory of John raping her returned. How was it possible for him to have done that knowing and feeling how loved she was by him? Was her memory wrong? She was so confused and tired, not trusting herself or her mind. She relived the memory and sensation of what he had done on an almost nightly basis. It had to be true, didn’t it?
John felt her heart rate slowly decrease and her breathing become shallow. He was losing her. “Doc whatever you’re remembering or thinking right now is wrong…I love you and need you…Never did I think that when we began this strange journey that it would come to this…You are not going to die so you’d better stop whatever is going on in your head…You’ve always been my anchor…Without you I am nothing. I need you dammit,” John screamed at her before he started crying. “Please don’t leave me Doc…I need you.”
“Doc, please come back to me,” John begged her as he kissed her on the lips once again. “Don’t you know how special you are…I love you more than life itself.” As his lips touched hers once again, the doubts Marlena had about John and his intentions and sincerity slowly faded.
“What we have transcends time Doc…someday we’ll be together…you are my forever love, don’t you know that?” John sobbed. He couldn’t lose her, not like this. What if she didn’t know how much he loved her? He rested his head on her chest, listening to the faint beat of her heart, needing to be close to her.
She felt the wetness of his tears on her skin. One by one, piece by piece, memories of her past with John returned. “Well, I’m counting on you… to stop worrying. And to remember, that I am just crazy in love with the man I married, and nobody could do anything to get me away from you… ’cause John Black you just are my obsession.” Marlena remembered saying to John one afternoon. What he had been saying was true, the love she felt for him was as great as if not more intense than the love he felt for her. She loved him.
“Doc, I love you,” John said simply as he kissed her lips once again. As his lips met hers, she tried to respond and kiss him back. “I’m here John, I’m here,” she tried to scream out to him. “Don’t leave me…I’m here.”
As John held Marlena in his arms he felt her pulse quicken. Astonished by what he was feeling, he took her pulse one again. Eighty-five beats per minute.
“Come on Doc, I feel such a connection to you right now, like you can hear me.” He reached down and placed his fingers gently on her chest. Her heart was beating steadily and seemed to be getting stronger.
“Come on Doc, you’re almost there…I can feel you Doc,” John said as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “I know you’re there and can hear me.” Marlena heard the sound of the baby’s cries becoming louder and louder. She felt a connection to the child that was crying and knew that she was not well. “Hang on my sweet baby,” she said to the crying infant. “Hang on for your daddy.”
Summoning an inner strength that she didn’t know she had, she slowly opened her mouth just enough to whisper, “Rachel.”
Chapter 43
“Doc, did you just say Rachel?” John asked, wondering if he was imagining things. He lowered his head so his ear was next to her lips. He heard the faint sound of her breathing but little else.
“John,” Roman said, breaking the silence. He stood in the doorway, intently watching John, afraid to intrude. “Is she?”
“No,” John said simply, knowing what Roman was asking. “She’s still with us.”
“Thank god,” Roman said as he breathed a sigh of relief. “Let me stay with Doc. You need to go down stairs and be with Rachel…she’s not doing to well…I don’t think she has much longer.”
“Oh god,” John said as he looked up at the ceiling, willing his tears not to start.
“She’s still hanging on, but her breathing is really labored…I just thought you’d like to know and to be there if, you know….” Roman looked down at the stained carpet
“Thank you Roman,” John said, trying to control his tears. “I think Doc’s going to be okay…If you could just sit with her and monitor her pulse and breathing.” John got up from the bed and adjusted the covers over Marlena, making sure that she was warm. He kissed her briefly on the forehead before walking over to Roman.
“Please take care of Doc for me…If anything changes I want to know immediately,” John said as he left the room and went down the staircase to his den. As he stood outside the door to the room he tried to summon all the courage he had before entering. “Okay I can do this…I can do this…I need to be strong.”
He slowly peeked his head around the door hoping that Rachel was still with them. He was relieved to find Rachel and Noah in the comfort of Matrona’s arms.
“Mr. Black,” Matrona said as she looked up at John with tears in her large brown eyes.
“This one here’s not doing to well…I don’t know what else I can do for her…she won’t eat or cry or do anything…I’m so sorry.” Matrona started crying softly as she clutched both babies closer to her chest.
“It’s okay Matrona,” John said as he placed his hand on her shoulder and looked down at his children.
“I’m just so sorry that there’s not more that I can do…may God be with her now.”
“How long has she been like this?” John asked as he stroked Rachel’s small cheek with his forefinger.
“She’s been fighting for a breath like this for the last hour.”
John moved around the chair and knelt on the floor in front of Matrona. He strained to hear the faint breathing sound that Rachel made, not sure if the sound was coming from her or Noah.
“How is he doing?” John asked as he stroked Noah’s little cheek with the forefinger of his other hand.
“He appears to be doing fine. I got him to drink a little of the sugar water earlier. I think he’ll be okay.” One out of two wasn’t bad, right? Not when it came to your children. John needed them both to live.
“Let me take her,” John said as he reached out and slowly removed Rachel from Matrona’s arms. Holding her close to his chest, he walked over to the large picture window. Matrona wiped her face on her sleeve. She needed to be strong for Mr. Black.
“Princess, its so beautiful outside right now…almost as beautiful as you. I can’t wait until you are a couple of years older…We’re going to come back here as a family and go cross country skiing…For you, I’d even go ice skating.” John blankly stared out the window at the winter wonderland before him, imaging all the fun that they could have as a family if Rachel would just hold on. He wiped the tears from his eyes before turning around and facing Matrona. He didn’t want her to see him cry.
John lifted Rachel’s tiny frame closer to his face and bent down and kissed her cheek before walking over to the leather ottoman and sitting down. “Could you bring me Noah please?”
Matrona slowly got up from the chair and carefully handed Noah to John.
“Mr. Black, do you think I could take a picture?” she asked as she spotted a digital camera on his desk.
“Sure…I’d like that.” Matrona took her time taking several pictures of John and his twins. She also used the cameras’ capabilities to take some video. Matrona wanted John to have these pictures and videos in case anything happened to the children.
“Matrona, I appreciate all that you’ve done for me and my family…you can never know how grateful I am to you and Alexie. I don’t know what we would have done without you…But, would you mind going upstairs and helping Roman with Marlena…I’d like to spend a little time alone with my children.”
“Sure, would you like for me to get you a blanket? It’s kind of chilly in here.”
“Yes,” John replied as he cuddled with his children, trying to keep them warm. Matrona returned a few minutes later with a plaid comforter in hand. “Do you want me to help?” She asked as she noticed that John had laid both kids down on the oversized leather footstool and was in the process of undressing them.
“Make sure that they don’t fall,” he said as he quickly removed his shirt. John then sat down in the chair and motioned for Matrona to hand him the children. Noah instantly snuggled his little body in between the crook of John’s arm and his chest. Rachel was stiff and unresponsive, not seeming to know that she was being held. Still, Marlena had always touted the healing benefits of skin to skin contact and he welcomed this closeness to his children. Matrona covered them up with the comforter before she went to the door.
“Before you leave, please find Alexie and let me know the ETA on that medevac flight.” John watched her leave before looking down at his children. He was trying so hard to keep it together.
“Hi little girl,” John said as he bent down and kissed Rachel, a tear running down his cheek. He could barely feel her breathing as opposed to Noah. “You gotta hang in there for your daddy. Who’s going to take care of me in my old age? Your bothers aren’t going to do it….you should see your brothers and sisters. They are going to be so happy to see you. Besides Noah, you have two older brothers named Eric and Brady who are going to spoil you rotten. Believe it or not you have three older sisters; Carrie who is the oldest, Samantha or Sami as we call her and Isabella or Belle. You have all kinds of grandparents and aunts and uncles…you just have no idea how lucky you are and how much love you are going to receive. If you think I’m bad, wait till your older sisters get a hold of you…but you’ve gotta be strong little girl…Hang on for me.”
“Good news Mr. Black,” Matrona said interrupting the tender moment between father and daughter. “The plane is on its way…Alexie is putting on his snow suit and is preparing to go and plow the run way. The medevac should be here in 30 minutes or so.”
“Thank god,” John exclaimed then looked down at his daughter, “Did you hear that baby Rachel? The plane should be here soon…please hold on…Another 30 minutes and help will be here. You’re a Black…Blacks are strong and don’t give up.”
John held his baby as she gasped for air, her breathing becoming more and more shallow. Every minute seemed like an eternity as John waited patiently for the sound of the plane or snowmobiles letting him know that help had arrived.
After what seemed like forever, John heard the roar of the snow machines in front of the house, followed by the door to the mudroom opening and closing. Seconds later the cavalry arrived, equipment in tow.
“Mr. Black, I’m Doctor Baines and this is Dr. Anderson…Alexie filled us in on the VHF as to what we would be facing,” Dr. Baines said as John lowered the blanket, giving the doctors a view of the children. John watched as both doctors put on gloves. “We’ve got two flight nurses on the plane waiting for us…is that the girl,” Dr. Baines said as he reached out and took Rachel from John.
“Yes, her name is Rachel…she’s been having a hard time breathing.” John said as he held onto his daughter’s tiny hand.
He slowly let go as the doctor moved away from John and toward the equipment he brought with him. Dr. Anderson took Noah out of the comfort of his arms and laid him gently down on the desk, where he started working on him.
John watched as Dr. Baines laid Rachel down on a small transport board and strapped her to it, then proceeded to check her heart and lungs. He then quickly covered her mouth and nose with a facemask that administered badly needed oxygen. John watched while it seemed to take forever to find a vein large enough to insert the catheter needed for an IV. He then wrapped her in plastic and covered her with blankets. “Mr. Black, do you know how far along your wife was?”
“Maybe seven months, I don’t know,” John said as he looked at the doctor noticing his confusion. “It’s complicated.”
“Based on the size of the boy, they appear to be to be 28 to 29 weeks along…As you are probably aware, their lungs aren’t fully developed which is why they are having difficulty breathing, particularly the girl.”
“Her name is Rachel,” John said softly, not willing to let them see her as anything less than a person.
“Right…I do have some questions that I need to ask regarding the babies…the hospital will probably have a lot more. Were any drugs administered to either child?” The doctor asked as he listened to her chest with a stethoscope.
“No.” John looked back and forth between the doctors, hoping that they could save his family.
“Did their mother drink, smoke or take drugs during the pregnancy.”
John closed his eyes before responding, “Maybe.”
Dr. Baines looked over at John. “Which one?”
“Look I don’t know…I wasn’t with her all the time. Drinking and drugs maybe…She doesn’t smoke.”
“Okay,” the doctor said calmly as he wrote the information down on a clipboard.
“Any other issues that we need to be aware of?”
“Yeah, I didn’t know that Rachel was in Marlena after I delivered Noah…I don’t know how much time she went without oxygen.”
The doctor showed no reaction as he wrote down this information. “What was the approximate time of birth?”
“Nine p.m. last night.”
“Are either you or your wife allergic to any drugs?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Okay Mr. Black, as I said the hospital will have lot more questions for you. I’m more concerned in getting these babies to the plane. Dr. Anderson will go and check on your wife and prepare her to be taken to the plane as well. The plane has incubators and a mobile life support system on board that we need to hook the girl up to.”
“Life support,” John whispered, “I thought she was doing better.”
“I’m doing it as a precautionary measure. The flight to Anchorage as you are aware is two hours. Right now she is holding her own, but I’d rather not take any chances and have her arrest mid flight.”
John nodded his head and kissed his daughter and son goodbye and then watched out the window as Alexie and Dr. Baines strapped the babies to a special carrier that was attached to the snowmobile and drove away through the woods.
“Where’s your wife?” Dr. Anderson asked.
“Follow me,” John said as he grabbed his shirt and put it on.
“Woah,” the doctor said noticing that John’s entire shirt was covered with dried blood.
John laughed nervously. “Things were a little messy last night…I’ll leave this here and get a clean shirt upstairs,” John said as he took off the shirt and set it down on the desk.
John led Dr. Anderson up the stairs and to the room at the end of the hall. John walked into the room and smiled in relief when he saw that Marlena was still hanging on.
“How is she?” John asked Roman who was sitting on the bed next to Marlena, hand on her neck checking for a pulse.
“Still beating steadily at seventy-five…How are the babies?” Roman was relieved to see what appeared to be a doctor standing next to John with a transport board and case of supplies.
“Still hanging on and on their way to the plane…let me switch places with you,” John said as he went around the bed to where Roman was.
“What’s the matter with you?” Matrona asked the doctor, as he stood in the doorway, mouth open. “You’re a doctor, surely you seen blood before?”
“Oh,” Dr. Anderson said as he was shaken out of his reverie. He was beyond amazed at what most likely went on in this small room the night before and that half of the occupants survived. The mobile army surgical hospitals where he served as a field surgeon in Vietnam were much cleaner.
“This is the mother?” he asked. Matrona looked at the doctor in frustration. Of course Marlena was the mother, what a dumb question.
“I need to work on her…please give me some space.” The doctor set his case of supplies down on the nightstand, noticing the bloody soldering iron, and then quickly glancing away.
John and Roman moved back from the bed. Matrona walked over the window where she saw Alexie return with both snowmobiles.
“Matrona could you please find Roman and I some clean clothes?”
“Sure Mr. Black,” Matrona said, grateful to be leaving the room.
John and Roman watched as the doctor climbed on the bloody bed next to Marlena and listened to her heart and lungs.
“Not great, but okay,” the doctor said. He grabbed some supplies out of his case and inserted a catheter into her arm in which he attached an IV containing fluids.
“Her name is Marlena,” John said.
“Right, I’m going to stabilize her for the ride to the plane. Once we get her on the plane, we’ll administer medication.” John wondered who the doctor was trying to reassure, them or himself.
“Mr. Black, I’m going to lower the sheet now…I need to see the extent of her injuries and figure out the safest way to transport her is.…If you don’t want this man here, now would be a good time for him to leave,” Dr. Anderson said gesturing toward Roman.
John laughed, “Dr. Anderson, I appreciate you asking, but Roman has every right to be here.”
“Okay.” Slowly the doctor lowered the sheet, stopping at Marlena’s knees. Her color was absolutely awful, torso caked with dried blood. “Not good.” He grabbed a flashlight from his case and shined it on the incision. “Not good.” Although Mr. Black had actually done a good job with the incision and the sewing, it was still a mess and would most likely need to be reopened and properly closed in a sterile environment. The use of the bloody soldering iron was barbaric and he hoped that this woman wouldn’t suffer any long-standing complications.
“Where the placenta?” He asked hoping that they hadn’t left it in the patient.
Roman walked over to the bed and lifted up a towel that was laying next to Marlena’s right knee. John looked at him in disgust. He’d lain in bed with Marlena last night. Disgusting.
The doctor grabbed a large ziploc baggie and placed the placenta in it. Roman looked away in disgust, feeling like he was going to vomit.
“She looks relatively stable right now…due to the blood loss she is going to need a transfusion of a couple pints at least…The suturing seems to be holding for now…I think if we move her carefully it should hold…I need both of you to help me lift her onto the transport board.” John was amazed at how detached the doctor was to the scene before him. The way he looked at and studied Marlena pissed John off. This was his fucking wife, a living breathing person, not a research rat.
“We gotta hurray,” Alexie said as he ran into the room out of breath. “The pilot told me that we have to leave now. The forecast is awful….more snow and wind gusts up to 75 mph…We need to get the hell out of here now or be prepared to ride out the storm.”
“How much time do we have?” Dr. Anderson asked Alexie, assessing the amount of time he needed to properly prepare Marlena.
“Pilot said ten minutes and he’s leaving.”
“No fucking way,” John said as he walked over to Marlena. “We’re all getting out of here.”
“We don’t have enough time Mr. Black…both of your children need to be in a hospital especially the girl…time is of the essence…they both will die without medical intervention.”
“And my wife will die if we stay here.” John knew that she wouldn’t last another night up at the lodge. She had lost too much blood and was barely hanging on.
“You need to chose Mr. Black…don’t be selfish or they’ll all die,” the doctor harshly told John, frustrated that he was wasting precious time.
“No one is dying…We’re leaving.” John replied harshly to Dr. Anderson. “Roman, I need your help, get some blankets for me…we’re leaving.” Roman ran to the closet and grabbed some blankets and threw them at John.
John covered Marlena with the blankets and bent down and carefully picked her.
“Mr. Black, it’s too dangerous to pick her up like that.”
“And letting her die isn’t?” John asked sarcastically as he walked to the door with Marlena in his arms. “Alexie, start up the snowmobile, we’re making that plane.”
Chapter 44
Darkness fell upon the tundra as John ran towards the snowmobile with Marlena in his arms. Roman followed closely behind, blankets and down winter parkas in hand. He was having a hard time navigating the unfamiliar winter terrain. Snow covered everything in sight discerning a clear pathway almost impossible. The temperature had dropped and the snow had started to fall once again.
“John, slow down and put on a jacket,” Roman screamed, his voice barely being heard above the roar of the wind.
“No time,” John replied, as he came to an abrupt stop. “Take her,” John yelled at Roman, while motioning to Marlena. Roman took Marlena out of John’s arms and watched as John sat behind Alexie on the snowmobile. “Give her to me,” John yelled. Roman slowly placed Marlena in Roman’s arms.
“Let’s go,” John yelled loudly tapping Alexie on the shoulder, as he cradled Marlena to his chest with his other arm.
“No John, she needs to be covered better. With the wind chill on the tundra, it’s not safe,” Roman yelled, concerned about all their welfare. The snow fall had started to pick up, greatly reducing the visibility. Roman strained to see the tree line in the distance.
John looked at his watch, concerned about the conditions and their lack of preparation, but having no choice. They had two minutes to get to the plane before it left. John grabbed the blankets from Roman and threw them over Marlena. “Are you coming or not?” he asked as he motioned behind him. Roman quickly sat down behind John and held onto John as the snowmobile roared to life.
Roman closed his eyes, not from fear, but from the sting on the wind and the snow on his face and eyes. He was loosing sensation in his fingers and toes and knew that frostbite was starting to set in. He hoped that Marlena was covered somewhat better than he was.
After what seemed like a long time, the snow mobile came to an abrupt stop. Roman opened his eyes and saw that they were on the airfield, next to a medevac plane. The smell of burning jet fuel filled the air. Alexie got off the snowmobile and took Marlena in his arms while John got off. Roman stood up as well, grabbing the blankets that had been covering Marlena and had fallen to the ground.
Roman followed John as he carried Marlena onto the plane, watching the trail of red blood that dotted the snow. Somewhere along the ride Marlena’s incision had started to reopen and blood was now starting to flow freely.
“Mr. Black, please lay her down over there,” Dr. Baines said as he motioned to the surgical table that lay in the front of the plane. As John carried his wife down the narrow aisle, he saw his children being frantically worked on by what he assumed were the two nurses that Dr. Baines had mentioned earlier.
John slowly layed Marlena down on the table and adjusted the frozen blankets. Her skin was bluish in color. “Come on sweetheart, hang in there for me for just a little longer,” John whispered in her ear.
“You have to help her now,” Roman ordered Dr. Baines. “She’s bleeding again.” John quickly pulled down the blanket and was horrified to see that Roman was right.
“I am not losing her…I am not losing her,” John muttered as he looked around the plane for something that he could use to stop the bleeding. “I need some sterile gauze and some clotting medication stat,” John ordered the physician.
Dr. Baines glanced back at John and Marlena before continuing his conversation with the pilot. “We’ve got to leave now,” the pilot ordered Dr. Baines.
“We can’t leave without Dr. Anderson,” Dr. Baines clearly stated.
“The hell we can’t,” John muttered under his breath, but loud enough for Roman to hear. He frantically dug though some cabinets of supplies nearby looking for something to help his wife with.
“John, what if we need him?” Roman asked, as he rubbed his hands together, trying to bring feeling back into them.
“We don’t need him. He wanted to leave Marlena back at the lodge to die…he stays.” John was beyond caring what happened to the good doctor. He just wanted his family out of the arctic wilderness and to safety.
“We’re leaving in approximately one minute…all passengers and patients need to be secured,” the pilot said over the plane loud speaker. Guess they weren’t going to wait for the good doctor. John and Roman were ordered to a row of seats at the back of the plane while Dr. Baines secured Marlena to the table. John watched anxiously and helplessly as the doctor secured an oxygen mask to her face as the plane went down the runway. He hoped that he had made the right decision.
********************************************
“John, you need to talk to her,” Roman said, taking John aside after he saw him leave the neonatal intensive care unit. The medevac had arrived safely in Anchorage, where Marlena and the infants were treated. Marlena was immediately taken into surgery where her surgical incision was reopened, cleaned and closed. The doctors were amazed that with all the trauma that her body had gone through, that she was doing so well.
“I’ve tried pal, I’ve tried…she just won’t deal with it and won’t discuss anything that’s happened.” John said in frustration. “No matter how many times I bring up the subject, it’s an non-issue with her. I was hoping that the kids would be able to break through this wall that she’s put up, but they’re so happy to see their mom and know that she remembers them that they don’t even see what’s wrong.” John watched the tiny incubators that held his children, looking for any sign of movement that would indicate to him that they were on the road to recovery.
“Do you want me to talk to her?” Roman offered while looking through the large glass window that separated Rachel and Noah from the outside world.
John stood back and studied Roman for several seconds before responding. “Roman, I can never thank you enough for all that you’ve done for my family. I am seriously indebted to you for life. What you’ve done for us goes way beyond the responsibility of ex-husband….”
“Do I hear a but coming on?” Roman joked, trying to bring some levity into a conversation that was quickly becoming serious.
John laughed, “But, at some point Doc and I are going to have to face our problems and deal with them together and alone. You can’t continue to be the third person in our marriage that I run to when I have a disagreement with Doc and need you to smooth things over with her. Sooner or later, in the cold light of the day, she and I are going to have to face the events of the last year. It’s my hope that our marriage is strong enough to survive.”
“I totally understand John. Know that I love you both and would do anything to help you. So what did the doctor say about the babies?” Roman could see the worry on John’s face.
“Where do I start?” John said as he leaned his forehead against the cold glass.
“How is Rachel doing after her surgery?” Roman asked, knowing that the past seven days had been particularly stressful on John. Before Rachel could be hooked up to the life support system on the plane, she had arrested and had to be revived. Tests done on her heart upon arrival at the hospital indicated that she had a sizable hole in her heart that if not repaired, would prove to be fatal. Marlena was out of it, recovering from her own surgery, so John had to sign the consent forms on his own, not knowing whether or not he was making the right decision. When John had tried to discuss Rachel’s medical problems with Marlena she refused to even discuss the child with John and had become extremely agitated.
“She’s the same…its touch and go right now…I’m afraid to leave the hospital in case something happens.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Nope, just being here helps.”
“How’s Noah doing?”
“He’s doing well…the tests on his heart came back fine. For being premature, he’s doing really well right now. The doctors are trying to build up his lungs a little more and get him to put on some weight.”
“They’re both so tiny.”
“I know…they seem much smaller here than they did at the lodge. Noah now weighs three pounds and four ounces and is gaining ounces by the day. Rachel seems to be stuck at two pounds six ounces.” John had eaten a steak once that weighed more than Rachel.
“God Sami and Eric seem like pigs in comparison…I think they both weighed somewhere around seven pounds.”
“I’d take that seven pounds about right now…Once Noah hits the five pound mark we can discuss taking him home.”
“What about Rachel?”
“The doctors aren’t confident that she’ll reach that weight anytime soon…the question with her is do I transfer her to Salem University Hospital NICU or stay here until she’s better?”
“How much time are we talking?”
“Could be weeks, could be months…”
Roman stood back stunned, a couple months in a foreign city with no family support would be extremely difficult on anyone. “What does Doc say about all this?”
“Nothing, because she won’t discuss the issue…As always the choice is mine to make.”
“But once they come home, things will be okay, right?”
“Not necessarily, that’s the unknown in all of this…Because they were both premature, the doctors don’t know and won’t know the extent of any developmental or mental disabilities at this time.” John couldn’t even look at Roman, afraid that Roman would see all his fears about something being wrong with his children.
“Oh John,” Roman said as he put his arm around his friend. “I’m sure that they will be fine. They’re Blacks, their little fighters…if any two children have a chance to overcome the impossible, its them.”
“Thanks Roman for the encouragement, but its still hard to fathom that something could be wrong with them. I held them both in my arms at birth, they were both so perfect in every way…how could that not still be the case? After everything that Doc and I have been through, how could we be punished like this?”
“Don’t ever think of them as punishments John…Don’t. Both of those children in there are blessings from God along with their mother. Do you have any idea of how lucky you are? I would kill to be in your shoes. To be able to go home at the end of the day to Marlena and those two babies. You have been given another chance with Marlena by God, don’t mess it up.”
“I guess I sound a little ungrateful, don’t I?”
“No, you’re just human…Sometimes you just need a reminder of all that’s good in your life.”
“When did you get to be such a wise man Roman Brady?”
“Oh its taken years, years of longing for someone and something that I thought I wanted
but realizing in the cold light of the day that it was an illusion that I was chasing and was never real or mine to have. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret for a minute the time I spent with Doc and our children, I just know that it, she, is not what I want for my future.”
“I never thought that we’d ever get to a place where we could discuss the past, particularly Doc, with such openness and honesty.”
“I’m glad that we can…As you know, she is such a special woman, a stubborn pain in the ass at times, but special nonetheless.”
“That she is,” John said with a smile. “I’m going to go down and see how Doc is doing. Is Eric still with her?”
“When I left he was. Carrie is flying in to Anchorage tonight and I’m sure that she’ll want to see her.”
“I can’t wait to see her…it’s been years.” John still got the occasional call and letter from Carrie, but it wasn’t the same.
“I know…my little girl all grown up and living in another country…Sami and Belle are shopping right now for things for Marlena and the babies. They both thought that Marlena could use some new clothes to cheer her up. I do have to say that out of all the kids Belle is taking all that’s happened the hardest.”
“Belle?”
“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but I overheard her talking to Sami and she is having a tough time reconciling in her mind how her mother could have gone off and gotten pregnant and not told her dad.” John closed his eyes and brought his hands to his mouth.
“I should have known that was coming…I guess I need to talk with her…It’s hard to separate the Marlena everyone is used to from this Marlena, if you know what I mean. There are going to be lots of things that need to be explained and some things I’m sure that can’t and shouldn’t be…I’m still having a hard time grasping the truth.”
“In time everything will come out and I’m sure that the kids won’t have an issue with it, nor your true friends. Don’t worry about peoples reaction John, you have enough to worry about right now.”
“Yes, but you’ve brought up a very good point…we are going to have to return to Salem soon and face all of our family and friends. How do you even begin to explain the journey that we’ve all been on this last year?”
“One person and one conversation at a time…its going to be hardest on Marlena.”
“And that’s the last thing she needs…”
“Sooner or later, we’re all going to have to stop protecting her and making things right for her…”
“I know, but I just love her so much and want to protect her from any pain.”
“You can’t keep on doing that forever. From what she’s told me, as you know it appears that she has her memory back…Most, if not all of it…. Maybe things will be easier from here on out.”
“I hope you’re right Roman, I hope you’re right.”
CHAPTER 45
“John,” Marlena said with a shy smile on her face as she watched John walk into her hospital room carrying another bouquet of red roses. Marlena looked around the room, wondering where he was going to find room to put them. It seemed that every time he came into the room he was bearing gifts of red roses.
“How are you feeling honey?” John said as he approached the bed and handed the bouquet to her. “Eric, my man, good to see you.” John leaned over the bed and gave Eric a big hug.
“Good to see you too John…Thanks for flying us all up here so quickly,” Eric said, “It’s appreciated…look I’ll give you some time alone with mom since we all seem to be hogging it,” Eric said as he stood up from the bed and leaned down and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek. “I’m going to go and visit my little brother and sister.”
John was looking at Marlena when Eric made his comment and did not miss the fact that she looked away with a look of sadness on her face when he mentioned the babies. John sat down on the bed next to Marlena and watched as Eric left the room, closing the door behind him.
“How are you feeling sweetheart?” John asked as he took her hand in his and kissed it lightly.
“I’m feeling better, now that you’re here,” Marlena said as she brought the roses to her nose and smelled them. “They smell wonderful John.”
“I’m glad you like them…I tried to find a rose as perfect as you are, but I guess it doesn’t exist. I may have to call Victor up and see if he can commission a rose cultivator to grow one. But what color would it be?”
“John, you’re such a romantic,” Marlena said as she set the roses on her bedside table and closed her eyes. The painkillers that she’d been prescribed were making her extremely drowsy and somewhat disoriented. She wanted to tell John how she was feeling but didn’t want to add to his worries. He’d been hovering over her since she’d woken up after her surgery, reading through her medical chart on a daily basis. That alone made her extremely uncomfortable.
“Are you still having pain or does the morphine drip seem to help?” John said as he picked up her chart and glanced at the medication log.
“I asked them to turn it off yesterday…I didn’t like the feeling it gave me.”
“I assume they gave you something else for the pain?” John gave Marlena a concerned look as he calculated what she was taking and the amount of pain she was having. Due to her recent surgery a narcotic would be most effective against the pain.
“Yes, some pills…I really should be fine…that’s sweet of you for worrying about me,” Marlena said as she opened her eyes and forced a smile.
“I love you Marlena…of course I’d be worried about you,” John said as he set down her chart and took her hand in his.
“I know, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to be here with me.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well, since we’re divorced, I’m just your ex-wife and technically not your obligation anymore,” Marlena said as she looked away in sadness. John had forgotten that little fact. Marlena still thought that the divorce went through. He was going to have to remember to call Mickey Horton in Salem and let him know all that was going on right now.
“You never were an obligation Marlena.”
“Thank you for saying that…I appreciate it, I really do. But, you don’t see Roman bringing me flowers everyday or Don Craig for that matter. As my ex-husband I don’t expect you to either.”
“What I feel for you goes way beyond what Roman or Don feel for you, believe me…. You are not an obligation. If I didn’t want to bring you flowers I wouldn’t.” John moved closer to Marlena and impulsively kissed her on the lips. She responded by opening her mouth wider and slowly moving her tongue against his. John grabbed her head and deepened the kiss. After several minutes of heavy kissing they finally separated.
“Woah…that was unexpected,” John muttered as he bent down and kissed Marlena again. She placed her arms around his neck and moved her body closer to his. John felt the pounding of Marlena’s heart against his chest. Marlena separated from the kiss this time and looked away in embarrassment. John was her ex-husband, she shouldn’t be kissing him like this and enjoying it so much.
“John, I never got to thank you for what you did for me at the cabin… I spoke with the OB on staff and he credits you with saving my life…. I can’t thank you enough… What you did was pretty phenomenal.” Marlena stared at his luscious lips desperately wanting to kiss him again.
“You’re welcome…I just did what any other person would have done. I’m sure that Roman or Alexie would have done the same thing if I wasn’t there.”
“I find that a little hard to believe,” Marlena said as she tried to picture Roman performing a cesarean on her.
“What’s so funny,” John asked, seeing the smile on Marlena’s face and a far away look in her eyes.
“I was just trying to picture Roman doing what you did. You may have faith that he could have done what you did, but I know the man….there is no way he could have done it. He is one of the most squeamish people I know. He has no problem poking around dead people, but when it comes to the living, its another matter.”
“You may be right…but I like to think that he could have overcome whatever aversion he has to blood and helped you out.”
“Maybe you’re right. Nonetheless, I’m glad to be alive and here in a hospital. Especially this one, it’s so nice and the view is just gorgeous. I wouldn’t mind working at a place like this…sure beats my office in Salem.”
“I’ve missed you so much Marlena, and I’m glad that you’re okay,” John said as he bent down and kissed her lips again. He couldn’t help himself. Being in her presence somehow made all the problems of the world go away. It was almost as if time stopped and that they were the only two people in the world.
“I’ve missed you to…I’m glad that everything is in the past and we can move on with our future,” Marlena said as she smiled up into his beautiful blue eyes. She hoped that he could see how much she still loved him.
“Which would be?” John knew that he still loved her more than anything, and was willing to fight for a relationship with Marlena, he just wasn’t sure about her feelings.
“You, me, a nice vacation somewhere warm.” Things were looking up, perhaps Marlena did envision a future for them together.
“Sounds lovely, where do you think we should go?”
“Caribbean maybe.”
“I could definitely do that,” John said as he pictured Marlena is a tasteful one-piece bathing suit. John missed the change in Marlena’s demeanor as he was envisioning a tropical vacation. Why was he sitting here with her acting like everything was fine, kissing her, giving her hope?
“I’m surprised that you are even talking to me right now, much less even wanting to go away on a vacation,” Marlena said as tears welled up in her eyes. “John, I’m sorry.” There it was again, the one word he’d wanted to hear for so long. But what was she sorry for?
“Don’t cry Marlena, you have nothing to be sorry for.” John always hated to see her cry.
“But I do…I’m sorry for everything I put you through this past year…I can’t believe that I actually thought you’d try to hurt me,” Marlena cried out as she pulled the thin hospital blanket up and over her chest and tried to put as much distance between her and John as possible.
“It okay Marlena…Its okay…your mind was just a little confused as to what was real and what wasn’t…I’m just glad that you don’t think that I’d do that to you.”
“You can’t say it, can you? John, I essentially accused you of raping me.” She couldn’t look at him; she didn’t want to see the pain that she’d caused him.
“But you know I didn’t and that’s all that matters to me now,” John said as he cupped her chin in his fingers and lifted her face so that he could see her eyes.
“I just want to get back to the way things were before and forget all this has happened,” Marlena whispered as tears fell from her lashes. How could they? Too much had happened.
“I don’t know if that’s possible,” John admitted. How could they act like nothing had happened? John was able to push the past aside when he needed to, but long term he wasn’t sure that he could.
“Don’t say that…please don’t say that…I know that I accused you of something awful, but I’m sorry John. I’m sorry.” John watched silently as Marlena’s small frame shook from her sobbing, not knowing how to make things right again and not knowing if he should.
“Marlena…”
“Please call me Doc…you always used to call me that,” she pleaded with him.
“Marlena…”
“Oh god, you can’t even call me that? Can you.” John couldn’t. He got up from the bed and walked over to the window. Doc was a term of endearment that should be used when one felt a sense of closeness to its owner. John didn’t feel that at all. He felt comfortable calling her Doc to Roman, but couldn’t seem to do it to her face. Somehow it didn’t seem natural to him. It seemed too forced. John felt on a deeper level that if he used that name it would be admitting that things were normal when they weren’t. Marlena was forcing a cheerful bravado to her children and to Roman. On the surface she seemed to be a happy well adjusted wife and mother. When she was with John it was another story. She was tearful, argumentative and stubborn. John felt a sense of desperation in her that he hadn’t felt in years. It was if she was desperate to hold onto him for some reason. He loved her and wanted a future with her, he just wasn’t sure how to make that happen, how to make things right.
“It’s no big deal honey…” Why was he playing along with the happy family charade?
“Then say it, call me Doc,” she pleaded with him, his back to her.
“Okay Doc,” John forced himself to say. “Has the psychiatrist been into see you today?” John asked as he turned around.
“No, why would he…I told you I’m fine.” Just like that, her tears stopped and she was back to her normal self. John looked at her quizzically, not seeing how her demeanor could change so suddenly.
“Honey, I know that….for my own piece of mind I’d appreciate if you’d at least talk to someone…please.”
“No.”
“Marlena.”
“No…don’t ask me again. I’m not going to talk to anyone. I don’t need to. I’m fine.” The stubborn Marlena, so out of touch with her own emotions, was back.
“Marlena.”
“No, I’m fine, I really am…I just need to go back to Salem, to my own home, my own friends…I’ll be okay…really I will be.” John couldn’t figure out who she was trying to convince that things were fine? Him or herself?
“Speaking of Salem, your doctors seem to think that tomorrow you’ll be well enough to be discharged to go home,” John said as he sat down in the chair next to her bed.
“That’s good news.” Marlena said as she looked out the window at the snow-covered mountains in the distance. She didn’t want to go home. She wanted John to take her somewhere far away where she could just be.
“I have a penthouse here in Anchorage that I’d like you to stay in before we return to Salem….that is, if you want to go there.”
“A penthouse in Anchorage?” Why didn’t that surprise her? He had a secret Greek isle and a lodge in the arctic wilderness….Why not a penthouse in Anchorage?
“Something I picked up as an investment a couple of years ago,” John started to explain.
“John honey, you don’t owe me any explanations…its okay.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with this? If you’d rather stay in a hotel I could arrange that.”
“I’ll be fine John, really.”
“Well okay then…tomorrow when you’re discharged I’ll arrange for you to be driven there.”
“You won’t be coming with me?” Even though she had demanded the divorce, she was having regrets. She wanted and needed to be close to him. How could she have been so stupid to demand a divorce?
“No…I can’t leave the hospital,” John said, noticing the sad look on her face.
“Why not?”
“The babies Doc…the babies.”
“What about them?” Marlena asked as she looked away.
“Doc, they are our children…I can’t leave them alone in the hospital.”
“There are enough medical personnel here that I’m sure that they will be fine for a couple of hours.” Why was everything about them? She didn’t want to think about them.
“Marlena, they aren’t strong enough for me to leave them right now…I need to be here in case something happens.”
“They can page you then or call you on your cell phone…you don’t have to be here all the time, its not healthy.”
“Honey, it’s not the same…I’d feel better if I were here.”
“I don’t see what all the fuss is…I’m sure they’ll be fine…You’ve probably arranged for the best medical care money can buy.” Marlena stared blankly out the window. Even though it was only three in the afternoon, the sun was starting to set.
This was worse than John thought. “Marlena honey, those two precious babies up in the NICU are fighting for their lives and they are our children, just as much as Belle is. Those two babies are a part of both of us and they need us…I really think you ought to at least go and see them.”
“I told you no…I don’t want to see them.”
“I understand if you aren’t ready to go and see them so I took some pictures for you to look at,” John said as he reached into his back pocket and took out two Polaroid pictures that a NICU nurse had taken for John. John placed the pictures in Marlena’s hands.
“NO,” Marlena yelled as she threw the pictures across the room. “Stop trying to manipulate me John. I told you before that I don’t want to see those babies and that includes looking at pictures of them. Please stop mentioning them to me and trying to get me to talk about them.”
John sat and stared at Marlena stunned. How could she be so cold and heartless and to not even being curious at to what her children looked like or how they were.
“Honey, I don’t want to upset you, both those are our babies up there. Ours. So far I’ve made all the medical decisions for them and can continue to do so if that’s what you want, but you need to let me know…I can’t continue on guessing.” John got up from her chair and picked up the pictures from the floor and set them on her bedside table.
“I don’t want to talk about it, about them…you do whatever you feel is right.”
“How can you be so callous about this? These are your children…don’t you want to see them?” John asked as he sat back down in the chair.
“No…please stop talking about them. You go and visit, I don’t want to,” Marlena said stubbornly as she crossed her hands over her chest and turned her head to the side so that John couldn’t see her.
“Marlena, you don’t mean that,” John said as he took her face gently in his hands.
“I do…I don’t want to see them…I don’t…please don’t try to force me to or think that by mentioning it over and over again that I’m going to change my mind, because I’m not.” Marlena still refused to look at him, but John noticed that her resolve was not the same.
“Why? Why don’t you want to see them?” John asked, trying to force the issue.
“You feel some type of bond with them and that’s fine, but I don’t…I wish that I did, but I don’t.” Slowly her heart was breaking and Marlena didn’t know how to stop it.
“I’m sorry for that…I really am…in time I fear that you will regret your decision,” John said as he let go of her chin and sat back in his chair.
“It’s my decision to regret, not yours.… Look I don’t want to fight with you over this, I don’t.” She just wanted things to get back to normal. Was that too much to ask?
“I don’t want to fight either…but those are our children up there, ours…try as you may to deny it…those are your children Marlena, yours.”
Marlena closed her eyes tightly and wished that John would just go away.
“I don’t care,” she whispered. Better to hurt than to be the one hurt, her father always used to tell her.
“You don’t care? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” John looked pensively at her for some sign of emotion. There was none.
“You heard me, I don’t care.”
“You don’t care that there are two babies up in the NICU that are in critical condition? You don’t care that you are their mother? You don’t fucking care that they may die and you will never even have seen them or shown once ounce of compassion for them? What the hell does ‘I don’t care’ mean Marlena? I’m having a little bit of a hard time understanding?”
“I don’t care means I don’t care,” Marlena said harshly to John. He stood up from his chair abruptly and moved to the door.
“Who the hell have you become? I feel like I’m fucking talking to a stranger right now. The Marlena I know would never have such disregard for anyone’s life. I don’t think I like who you’ve become,” John said with sadness in his voice as he left her hospital room.
Marlena waited until he closed the door behind him before she allowed her tears to fall.
“I don’t know or like who I am anymore either John,” Marlena whispered as she slowly picked up the pictures of her children that John had left on her bedside table and clutched them to her chest.
Chapter 46
“Doc, I just saw John leave and he looked mad…care to tell me what’s wrong?” Roman asked as he sat on the bed next to Marlena.
“Everything,” Marlena admitted as her hazel eyes welled up with tears. “Everything is wrong…I’m trying to make things right but I can’t seem to…Nothing comes out right when I try to explain how I feel to John… We just end up arguing.”
“Maybe that’s the problem Doc…sometimes you just can’t make things right, they need to right themselves.”
“I know that on some level…I really do….I’m just so scared that with everything that’s happened with John that I’m losing him….I can’t lose him Roman…I can’t. I wish to God that I still had my amnesia as an excuse…I wish to god that I could wake up from this nightmare that I’ve created, me, no one else, and find everything right in the universe…But I can’t, I can’t, and that hurts me more than anyone will ever know. At the end of the day when I close my eyes, I see every hurtful and manipulative thing that I have ever done and there is no one or no thing that I can blame it on. John is going to leave me…I know it Roman….I can’t lose him…he’s all I have.”
“Doc, it’s going to be okay, you’ll see,” Roman said as he patted Marlena on the arm, trying to comfort her. “What’s happened is not the end of the world…it may feel that way to you now, but its not.”
“He’s going to leave me…I was dumb enough to demand a divorce and got what I wanted…I have nothing that ties me to him now, nothing…Belle is grown…why should he stay with me?”
“Love.” And two babies that needed both of their parents, Roman thought.
“It’s not enough…you know that from our history. Whoever said that love could overcome anything was a liar…love just causes complications,” Marlena said as she wiped the tears from her eyes and quietly looked out the window.
“When did you become such a pessimist Doc…you used to believe in love.”
“I had my heart broken one too many times.” Three divorces to three extraordinary men: Don, Roman and now John. When would she be able to find the happiness and stability that she desperately craved her whole life? Was she cursed like her father so often told her she was?
“Come on Doc, its not like you to be one to give up so easily.”
“I guess I’m just tired of it all.” Memories of her father drifted to the surface. “You’ll never be good enough” he screamed at her as he hit her with his belt. “You’ll always be a piece of nothing…don’t know why you’re even bothering to study…you’ll never amount to anything,” he said as he slapped her across the face. Marlena shook her head to stop more memories from rising to the surface.
“Define tired,” Roman said as he observed a far away look in her eyes. She used to get quiet and have that look early in their marriage. He always suspected that she was running from something, just not what or who.
“Tired of caring…tired of being hurt…tired of being disappointed…tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed…tired of loving someone so much and knowing that that my love won’t be returned.” Marlena brought her hands up to her face and cried quietly.
“Mar, I don’t like seeing you so defeated…I’m sure things aren’t as bad as you think they are,” Roman said as he reached out and rubbed her back, letting her cry.
“Because they’re worse…how many years have John and I fought so hard to be together? I love him so much Roman…and I’m terrified of losing him.”
“Why are you so terrified Doc?”
“Because without him I have nothing.”
“That’s not true Mar…John Black doesn’t define who you are.”
“I know that…I really do. I don’t mean to sound like one of those desperate women you see on daytime talk shows who are trying to keep their man…that’s not me,” Marlena said trying to make light of the situation.
“Have you told him how you feel?”
“No, I can’t…I told you that…Every time I open my mouth, it all comes out wrong…Earlier today when he came to see me he kissed me Roman…it was so amazing, like nothing had changed, but by the end of the conversation he was mad as hell at me.”
“Maybe you’re trying too hard.”
“Trying too hard to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be with me anymore… maybe all that’s left is this amazing physical attraction we feel for one another…you can’t build a life on that.”
“Maybe, but that’s a conclusion you both need to come to together…Don’t make the mistake of assuming that you know what John is feeling right now…You need to ask him.”
“Have you and John talked about my relationship with him?” Marlena asked, hopeful for the first time since she woke up that she would have some clear direction as to what he was thinking and feeling.
“Not specifically…he’s worried about you…we all are. He has the added burden of worrying about the babies to.”
“He hates me because I won’t go see them.”
“He doesn’t hate you, he just doesn’t understand your reasoning for not wanting to see your own children.”
“Why should I see them? Why? I’ve heard what the doctors have said…I’ve read their charts….I know what the inevitable is. They are both going to die and its all my fault.”
“You don’t know that they’re going to die.”
“Would you like for me to site the medical reasoning for why they shouldn’t make it…do you even know the odds of them making it through the first year without any mental or physical disabilities? Do you? The odds are not in their favor.”
“So, that doesn’t mean that there’s no chance…They could get lucky and be just fine and then what are you going to do? Deny that you have children? Wait until they’re three or four years old and when things look good decide to be a mother to them then?”
“I don’t know Roman, I don’t know…I haven’t thought that far ahead.” She wanted to end this conversation. She wasn’t comfortable with the pressure he was putting on her to make a decision and do something.
“Well you need to Doc and you need to stop this pessimistic ‘they are going to die’ line of thinking. It’s not healthy and it sure as hell isn’t helping things with John. I can tell you that if you pulled this shit on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as calm and understanding as John is. Your family is here and is up there with those babies right now Doc…We all have hope that they will both pull through. You don’t see us debating when and how they could die. No, we’re all up there routing for them, something that you as their mother should also be doing.”
To Marlena everything always came down to this one issue, she was not and could never be as good as those around her. “I’m not like you Roman….I can’t be like you…You are what’s true and good in the universe. You have two loving parents, great siblings, nieces and nephews…I don’t…I get to pretend and try to create what comes to you naturally. I envy that. I want that, but as hard as I try I know that I never will… I tried to create that with John but look what a mess I made of it…I committed adultery with you at the castle. Regardless of the reasons and what I try to tell myself, I knew that it was wrong when I did it. I destroyed yet another marriage.”
“Marlena, I’m not some perfect person. I committed adultery right along with you. In case you forgot I’ve also been divorced twice.”
“Yes, but when you divorced me, it was my fault because I cheated on you with John…see I’m doomed, doomed to a life of misery…. Why can’t I just find happiness and stick with it? Why can’t I be more like you?”
“You are a good person Marlena…. You are not your past, you know that. How many times have I heard you counsel people who have had troubled pasts? You’ve helped thousands of people overcome what life has handed them.”
“That’s different, at work I can separate myself. I’m not me when I’m at work…What I do is what I’m trained to do…I can easily separate myself and give good advice.”
“I find it hard to believe that you can easily turn yourself on and off like that… I think you’re more like that than you realize.”
“You don’t get it…I’m not that person…I’m a fake.”
“You are not a fake…you are a wonderful, loving and kind woman.”
“I’m not Roman,” Marlena said shaking her head. Visions of her adulterous relationships with John and Roman popped into her head. All the bad and self-destructive things she had done over the years came to mind. No wonder Sami’s life was a mess. She didn’t have much of a mother figure to look up to.
“Why do you do this to yourself Marlena?”
“It’s in my genes I guess.” A memory of her father popped into her head. “No matter how far you try to run away from here Julie, I’ll always been with you…My blood and genes run though you…. Don’t you ever forget it.” Marlena instinctively closed her eyes to keep the memories from returning. She felt the bile rising in her throat.
“I refuse to believe that…where is all of this self doubt coming from?”
“Don’t mind me, I’m just having a bad day. I’m sure that things will be fine. I probably just need a little fresh air and to get out of this hospital…Don’t worry about me.” Just like that Marlena’s attitude changed from one of pessimism to something else.
Roman looked at Marlena skeptically. “Marlie, we used to be so close…I could read you so easily in the past…please don’t shut me out. You know I’d never judge you for what you are thinking or feeling. I don’t want you to think that you’re alone in this world and that no one understands you.”
Marlena’s eyes welled up with tears. She hated that Roman knew her so well and sensed her weaknesses. “I don’t want to do this Roman…It’s too painful for me.”
Roman took Marlena in his arms and held her as she cried tears for unknown demons that she wouldn’t or couldn’t discuss. “I have single handedly managed to alienate everyone that I’m close to and can’t seem to stop. I’m grateful that you’re here Roman.” She wished that it were John that was holding her and comforting her, not Roman. Why couldn’t she be honest with John and tell him how she was feeling? Was it because somehow he didn’t feel the same connection to her? Was he trying to pull away from her slowly? Roman could read her so well, why couldn’t John? Not knowing only added to Marlena’s self doubt.
“Mar, things will get better…you just need to be open to what you’re feeling and stop trying to hide your feelings and saying what you think we want to hear.”
“Every time I do, I seem to be criticized for it. I told John what I felt and he walked out of here mad. I just can’t win. I’m sure that when I get out of here things will be better.”
“I can’t begin to pretend what either of you are going through right now and won’t try to but know that I’m here and supportive of you and your decisions.”
“Thanks Roman. It’s comforting to know that at least I have one friend. Everyone else is going to think I’m awful once everything comes out in Salem. Maybe I shouldn’t return.”
“And what’s that going to solve?”
“Nothing, but I won’t have to live with the stares and the comments. I can be who I want to be… If I go back to Salem everyone’s going to know that it’s my fault that those babies are like that. My fault.”
“It’s not your fault Mar, you didn’t know that you would go into premature labor in the middle of nowhere…You had no control over that.”
“That’s where you’re wrong…I had all the control… I didn’t fucking want to be pregnant in the first place and I cursed those kids,” Marlena blurted out.
“I’m sure that the pregnancy was a shock to you, especially since you didn’t know for sure that John was the father, but saying that you cursed those babies is a little harsh.” Why did she think it was her fault, Roman wondered?
“Do you know how many times I wished that I’d accidentally fall down the stairs and miscarry.” Roman looked at Marlena with a look of shock on his face. Better to hurt than to be hurt.
“I cannot believe that you just said that,” Roman muttered as he got up from the bed and went to the door. He wanted honesty from her, he just didn’t realize the extent of it. Internally he started to question her miscarriage of his baby over a year ago. Was that wished for and planned? Who the hell had she become?
“Don’t leave Roman, please don’t leave…I didn’t mean that… I didn’t.” She hadn’t meant for the statement to come out that harsh. Once again, she learned a painful lesson as to what true honesty beget, more pain and heartache. Just like her father always told her, no one really wants honestly, they say that they do, but once you give it to them, they use it to hurt you. Better to lie and to hurt than to be hurt.
“I think you did…I think for once in a long time you’ve finally been honest with your feelings.”
“Roman, I’m sorry.”
“I’ll talk to you later,” Roman said as he left the room and closed the door behind him.
Chapter 47
“John, its good to see you again,” Martha Evans said as she hugged her son-in-law John.
“I wish it were under better circumstances…How was the flight to Salem?” John asked as he shook his father-in-laws hand. Frank Evans, a large man of six-foot six with a shock of pepper colored hair, always seemed so larger than life to John. He always seemed such a perfect complement to Marlena, that it was hard for John to accept that he was not her biological father. On family visits back to Colorado, John used to sit back was watch amazed as Marlena and her father debated the latest political issues.
“Great…I’m so glad that you decided to fly Marlena and the babies back here for treatment,” Martha said as she looked at her son-in-law sympathetically. He looked so tired, the dark circles under his eyes standing out in contrast to the paleness of his skin.
“I thought it was important that she had her family near to support her.”
“That’s so true…I’m just surprised that you were able to make the transfer of the babies happen so quickly…speaking of babies, how are those darling grandchildren on mine?”
“Still the same,” John said as he pointed through the glass window of the Salem University NICU at his children lying in incubators.
“That’s Rachel,” John said as he pointed to the isolet that was closest to the nurses’ desk. “And that’s Noah over there.”
“What beautiful names…what are their middle names?” Martha asked.
“They don’t have any middle names yet…. I kind of named the babies when they were born and left the middle names up to Marlena.”
“Oh,” Martha said. Upon John’s asking, Roman had called up his former in-laws and filled them in on what was happening with Marlena and the babies. Martha and Frank wanted to fly to Alaska immediately and see their daughter and grandchildren, but Roman convinced them to wait a couple of days. “We saw Marlena at the house before coming over here.”
“How is she?” John asked. Since they had returned to Salem three days before, John had not seen Marlena, only talked to her on the cell phone. Marlena refused to come to the hospital to see the children and John wouldn’t leave the babies at the hospital to see Marlena. They were essentially stuck at an impasse with neither side willing to give in.
“She looks good…tired, but cheerful. I think the old Marlena is back,” Martha said. “Can we hold the babies?”
“Unfortunately, the doctors aren’t allowing anyone to touch or hold Rachel yet. Since she had surgery they are concerned about germs and infections. I’ve been able to hold Noah a couple of times…I’ll talk to his doctor to see if he’d allow you to hold him.”
“Thank you John…How are you doing honey?” She asked as she put her arm around his waist. “With all that’s gone on I’m worried about you.”
“I’m doing okay,” John said as he shrugged his shoulders.
“You look like you’ve lost some weight John…you probably haven’t been eating, being worried about the babies…Frank, why don’t you take John down to the cafeteria and make sure he eats something hot and filling. I’ll stay here and keep an eye on the babies,” Martha offered.
“Thanks Martha, but I’ll be okay really.”
“No, John…I insist, my treat,” Frank said as he approached John and Martha at the glass window.
“Okay,” John said. “You have my cell phone. Call me if anything changes.”
“I will dear,” Martha said as she reached up and kissed John on the cheek.
Martha watched as John and Frank headed down the hallway toward the elevator. She was delighted to see her granddaughters Belle and Sami heading her way.
“Grandma Evans,” Sami said as her grandmother enveloped her in a warm hug. Sami relished in the familiar comfort her grandmother provided.
“Samantha dear…I’ve missed you so…you’ve grown up to be such a pretty young lady,” Martha said as she let go of Sami and stepped back to look at her.
“Hi Granny,” Belle said as she tentatively approached her grandmother. Martha took Belle into her arms. “Isabella, it’s so good to see you again.”
“Did you just get in, or did you see mom yet?” Belle asked as she broke the hug and stepped away from her grandmother. Instinctively she folded her arms in front of her chest and rubbed them.
“Are you cold dear?” Martha asked.
“No, I’m fine Granny,” Belle said.
“Take my sweater if you’re cold,” Martha said as she took off her red cardigan sweater and handed it to Belle.
“Thanks,” Belle said as she took the sweater from her grandmother and put it on. “So did you see mom?” Belle asked again.
“Yes, your grandfather and I saw your mom before we came here…she looks good…. Your mom is such a strong woman, stronger than you realize.”
“I’m just worried about her grandma.”
“That’s only natural Belle dear…. Your mom is going to be just fine, you’ll see.”
“I hope your right Granny,” Belle said as she pulled her grandmother’s sweater tighter around her. “Are you staying with mom and dad at the penthouse or at the Salem Inn.”
“With your parents,” Martha offered. “Your father insisted that the company would be good for your mom.”
“Great, I’m sure that mom will like that,” Sami said. “Where are Eric and Carrie staying?”
“I think that they’re both staying at the penthouse. When your grandfather and I went by to see Marlena they were both there and appeared to be living there….Eric was still in his PJ’s,” Martha recounted, laughing, “That boy will never change.”
“Did you see the babies yet?” Belle asked as she pointed to the incubators on the other side of the glass.
“Your father showed me them a little while ago…said he was going to talk to Noah’s doctor to see if I could hold him.”
“He did?” Belle asked. Her father hadn’t made that offer to her and Noah was her brother. “Aren’t they so small? I’m worried about them.”
“They’re going to be fine,” Sami said optimistically. They had to be fine. Sami feared that if anything less than perfect happened it would upset the fragile balance of her family.
“But what if they’re not?” Belle asked.
“Don’t think that way dear…of course they’ll be fine,” Martha stated. Belle looked at her grandmother in awe. Regardless of the situation she always managed to see the positive in it. Belle wished that she could be more like her. Belle walked into her grandmothers open arms for a much-needed hug.
Sami looked on in concern. Her grandmothers’ eternal optimism concerned her. What reality was she living in? It wasn’t fair to give Belle false hope. What if something happened to the babies? It was far more humane to prepare for all options and be realistic than to live in a world of denial.
“I’m going to go talk with the nurse and see how they are,” Sami said as she walked away from the Belle and Grandma Evans love fest.
A minute later she returned, tears in her eyes. “Belle I need to borrow your cell phone.”
Belle quickly reached into her small black Kate Spade purse and took out her phone, handing it to her sister. Sami dialed a familiar number.
“Belle,” the caller on the other end of the line said, recognizing the number.
“No John, its Sami…you need to get up here now,” Sami said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.
“What’s wrong Sami?” John asked as he stood up from the table he was sitting at with Frank.
“Something’s wrong with Rachel,” she blurted out. Martha and Belle stood by stunned.
“I’ll be right there,” John said as he hung up the phone and motioned for Frank to follow him, their hot meal having been forgotten.
“Daddy, how’s Rachel?” Belle asked as her father returned to the small waiting room where the family had assembled.
“Not good,” John said. “She has an infection in her heart that is weakening the muscles…She also has fluid accumulating in her brain. The doctors want to operate and insert a shunt into her brain to drain the fluid and alleviate some of the pressure, but aren’t sure that with her heart issues that she is strong enough to survive the surgery. I’ve signed the consent papers because it’s the only chance that she has…Father Jansen has been called and will be stopping by in a half hour to give her last rites before surgery.”
“Oh John,” Martha said as she stood up and went over and gave John a hug.
“Sami, could you call your dad and let him know what’s going on?”
“Sure John,” Sami said as she took Belles cell phone from her and walked to a vacant part of the waiting room to call her father.
“Is there anything that we can do?” Frank Evans asked.
“Just pray for Rachel,” John offered sincerely.
“Come on Frank, lets go down to the chapel and light a candle and pray for Rachel and Noah,” Martha said as she got up from her chair. John watched as they made their way down the long corridor to the elevator bank.
“Is there anything that we can do?” Carrie asked, Eric by her side. John looked at his stepchildren lovingly. He hoped that Rachel and Noah had the chance to become as wonderful adults are Eric and Carrie were.
“No, but knowing that you’re both here helps,” John said as he hugged them both. “Would you mind keeping Belle company and watching out for the babies for a little while…I have my cell phone, so call me immediately if there is any change…I’ll be back in a little while,” John said as she walked away from the group.
“Daddy, you shouldn’t be alone,” Belle said as she placed her hand on John’s strong arm.
“Tink, I appreciate your concern, but there is something I have to do.”
“I don’t want you to be alone,” Belle said as she started to cry.
“I won’t be alone…I’m going to do something I should have done days ago,” John stated as he walked away.
Chapter 48
The penthouse was eerily quiet as John opened the door. Immediately his senses were assaulted by the smell of bleach and other cleaning supplies. Looking around, he could see that the whole apartment had been given a deep cleaning recently.
“Marlena?” John called out as he looked around the first floor. Marlena was nowhere to be found.
He made his way up the staircase and to the master bedroom suite. “Marlena?” John asked as he slowly opened the bedroom door. Marlena was laying underneath the covers, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling.
“Marlena,” John said as he sat down on the bed next to her. No response.
“Marlena,” John said again as he put his hand on her forehead, checking for a fever.
“Leave me alone,” Marlena whispered as she closed her eyes tightly. When did John arrive and why was he there?
“Marlena honey…we need to talk now.”
“No, no talking.” John watched as she rolled onto her side and became seemingly despondent.
“Yes, we are going to talk…NOW,” John said as he became forceful with her.
“Why are you here?” She whispered. “It’s not like you care.” Since he had made her fly back to Salem with him, he hadn’t been by to see her. He didn’t even have the decency to make sure that she got home okay. He had his driver take her home while he went straight to the hospital with those babies.
“This is not about you right now Marlena. This is about your daughter Rachel. She is dying…do you even get that or care?” John said in anger as he watched as Marlena pulled her knees up to her chest and held on tight.
John laughed, “No I didn’t think so, because as usual the whole fucking universe revolves around the planet called Marlena.”
Marlena slowly started rocking back and forth. “Well I for one have had it with your shit…I have fucking had it,” John said in frustration.
“What are you going to do, divorce me? Sorry, you can’t because you already did,” Marlena said sarcastically as she stopped rocking and sat up in the bed.
“Just leave…LEAVE,” she screamed.
“No, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t fucking want you here…I said LEAVE,” Marlena screamed again as she picked up a pillow and threw it at him. John moved out of the way as the pillow hit the nightstand and knocked a picture of him to the ground. He bent down to pick it up when he was stunned by the stinging sensation of Marlena slapping him hard across the face.
“I said leave, you ass,” she screamed once again, tears streaming down her face.
“I’m not going anywhere,” John said calmly as he rubbed his cheek. She really hit him hard.
“Leave,” she screamed out once again as she tried to hit him. John grabbed her wrist tightly.
“Let me go,” she said defiantly as she tried to pull her wrist out of his grasp.
“I’m tired of your shit Marlena… You are going to sit here and listen to what I have to say and I’m not leaving until you hear all of it.”
“You don’t have anything to say that I want to hear,” Marlena said as she jerked on her wrist. She felt her skin begin to start chaffing from tightness of John’s grasp and the friction of her pulling on it.
“I don’t care…I have covered for you long enough Marlena…I have played the supportive, loving and understanding husband for the better part of a year.”
“I didn’t ask you to do anything,” Marlena said as she dropped her head to her chest and gave up her struggle to get her wrist free.
“Did you forget that we are married? That’s what a spouse does, they love and support their partner.”
“We were married,” she reminded him. “But now were divorced…this is my house and I want you out of it,” she demanded.
John looked at her stunned. Where did the Marlena that he loved so deeply and passionately go? He felt as if he were looking at and conversing with a complete stranger that he really didn’t like. The more time he spent with this new Marlena, the easier it became for him to separate his feelings. John let go of her wrist.
“In case you forgot, I bought this place, so I’ll leave when I want.” Being nice to her didn’t seem to work, so John decided to fight fire with fire. If she wanted to fight, so be it.
“Well the deed is in my name, so its mine and I say get out before I call the police.”
“Call them then.” John challenged her, knowing that she wouldn’t call the police.
“I hate you,” she screamed at him. “I hate you…I hate you…I hate you.”
“Don’t say things you don’t mean Marlena,” John warned her, knowing that she was saying hurtful things in anger.
“Have you ever thought that maybe I mean it?” She challenged him, looking directly into his eyes. She looked deep into his eyes for some sort of acknowledgement. On some level she wanted him to experience as much pain as she was feeling.
“I hate you John Black…I…Hate….You.” She got the reaction she wanted when she saw the hurt in his eyes. Better to hurt than to be hurt.
“No you don’t.”
“I do…I’m glad that we’re divorced…”
“Don’t fucking make light of our marriage Marlena, don’t do it,” John warned her.
“I am glad…it was time for us to get divorced anyway…I mean for the last couple of years we haven’t gotten along. You slept with two of my best friends…not much of a marriage if you ask me.”
“Don’t do this Marlena, this is not like you.”
“Maybe it is dear ex-husband of mine…maybe this is the real me and you can’t fucking handle it.”
“This is not the real you…why are you acting like this?” John questioned her. John knew that Marlena had no problem speaking her mind, but never in the twenty years that he had known and loved her had he ever known her to be deliberately hurtful. Marlena closed her eyes tightly as memories of her father returned. “Why are you acting like this?” he screamed as he slapped her hard across the face.
“Why are you acting like you’re better than us?” He slapped her again, hard enough where her teeth broke through the thin skin of her cheek, drawing blood. She turned and tried to get away from him but he grabbed her by the hair and shoved her hard against the wall.
“Mommy, help me?” she pleaded with her mother. “You’ve got it coming to you Julie, always thinking that you’re going to be something, somebody, we’ll you ain’t,” her mother said as she sat down in her recliner. “You’ve got this coming to you…If you weren’t bad all the time this wouldn’t be necessary. Your daddy’s doing this for your own good.”
“I’ll be good, I promise I’ll be good,” she said as she covered her head with her hands, trying to protect her face from his blows.
“You’ll never be good, you little bitch,” her dad screamed into her face as he punched her in the stomach. “You are a fat, lazy piece good for nothing piece of shit…You’re not going to amount to anything, so stop trying.” Her father reached for long ponytail and pulled hard on it. “Fucking look at me when I’m talking to you,” he screamed.
“I’m sorry daddy,” she said, her eight-year-old body shaking in fear.
“It’s too late for sorry…you know what I’m going to have to do to punish you.”
“Marlena, are you okay,” John asked, noticing the far away look in her eyes. She was eerily quiet, staring off at some invisible spot on the wall.
“I’m fine,” she said as she sat up in the bed and smiled. Better to lie and say that things are fine than to let them see the real you.
John tilted his head to the side, confused and at the same time hopeful. “You’re fine? You just zoned out there for a minute…are you still having headaches?”
“It was nothing…don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine…so, did you come here for a reason other than to just annoy me?” Marlena finally asked after a minute of silence.
“Your daughter needs you now,” John said, amazed at the change in her demeanor.
“Something’s wrong with Belle or Sami?” Marlena asked in concern.
“No, your daughter Rachel.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll handle it…you always do,” Marlena said as she laid back down on the bed and turned to her side.
“You are not going to dismiss her this time Marlena…you are going to get dressed and go to the hospital and see her.”
“No I’m not.”
“You are fucking getting out of that bed and getting dressed now,” John said harshly as he rummaged through her closet and grabbed a pair of jeans and a sweater. He threw them on the bed and then went to her dresser drawers and opened them, finding clean underwear, bra and socks. “You can either put them on, or I’ll put them on for you.”
“Fuck you,” she said as she laid back down. John grabbed the covers from the bed and pulled them away from her. She tried to pull up the covers to cover herself, but John jumped on the bed on top of her, bra and underwear in hand.
“Are you going to put these on or do you want me to?” John asked as he held the garments up.
Marlena sensed that John was going to force the clothes onto her if she didn’t comply. She closed her eyes and allowed him to dress her, trying to push down the bile that was rising in her throat as he touched her bare breasts with his hands as he put on the black lace bra.
John felt himself growing hard as he dressed his wife. It had been so long since he had felt her writhing beneath him. He lightly moved his fingers over her nipples, watching them as they hardened. He moved his hands up and down her bare arms, kissing her neck.
“Oh Doc,” he moaned as he captured one of her nipples in his mouth.
“John,” Marlena whispered as she was shaken out of past memories. This was John touching her. John wouldn’t hurt her. She pushed her fears aside and gave into her feelings, responding to John.
“I need you so much,” John responded as he pulled down his pants frantically. Marlena took his length into her hand and slowly stroked him, feeling him come alive. She always loved the power that she had over him in bed.
John grabbed Marlena by the face and then gently sucked her bottom lip into his mouth. He was trying to take things slow with her, but wanted nothing more than to fuck her hard against the wall….it had been so long since he’d been with her. Slowly the kiss became more forceful as Marlena took the initiative, grabbing John by the head and forcing her tongue roughly into his mouth. He felt the pressure of her fingernails on his scalp as she held his head in place. While her hands held his head firmly in place, she slowly sat up in bed, pushing John onto his back and mounting him.
John felt how wet she was on his thighs. He needed to see her and to taste her. He reached between their bodies with one hand while the other hand reached around and grabbed her ass, bring her closer to him.
“God, I’ve missed touching you,” he mumbled into her mouth, his hand stroking the tiny bundle of nerves between her legs.
“No talking,” she responded forcefully as the pressure she was exerting on his scalp increased. She pulled one hand down from his head and roughly grabbed his penis, pulling on its length with increasing pressure.
“No,” John said as he tried to pull his member out of her hand. “I’m going to cum if you keep doing that,” he warned her.
“That’s the point,” she whispered as she slowly ran her tongue along his ear and whispered the naughty things that she wanted to do to him.
“Marlena,” John said as his breathing increased. He felt her hot breath against his ear as she laughed at his response.
He increased his pressure on her clit, pulling away from the kiss with little resistance from Marlena. She was a sex goddess to him. Head leaned back, eyes closed, her glorious breasts moving up and down seductively as she gasped for each breath of precious air. John let go on her ass and pulled hard on her erect nipples. John almost came then and there from the sounds of her moaning as he slowly pinched and tugged each coral tipped nipple.
Hearing Marlena whisper between moans, “Fuck me now John” was all it took. John quickly sat up in bed, grabbed her legs and thighs with both of his hands, flipped her over and entered her roughly all in one move.
Marlena screamed out at the shock of his initial penetration and then moaned “deeper”. John increased his pace and he brought them both quickly to the brink.
The sound of Marlena and Johns moans and their sweat covered bodies frantically slapping hard against each other in the darkened room were the only sounds that could be heard.
Silently they both came hard against each other. John held Marlena in his arms and whispered words of love as she struggled to regain her breath.
Several minutes of silence passed before either of them was able to speak.
“We probably shouldn’t have done that,” Marlena said as she stared up at the ceiling.
“Probably not, but it felt so good and right,” John admitted. Spectacular sex wasn’t going to help their problems, but only add to them.
“We need to control ourselves and make sure that this doesn’t happen again,” Marlena said as she pulled out of John’s embrace and sat up in the bed.
John watched as Marlena got up out of the bed and put the clothes on that he had selected for her. As he watched her dress, he noticed for the first time the amount of weight that she had lost. She was now thinner than he had ever seen her before, her ribs clearly visible as she put on her bra and shirt. The jeans he selected were hanging loosely on her slender frame. With everything that had been going on she probably hadn’t been eating properly.
As Marlena went into the bathroom to brush her hair and teeth, John got out of the bed and into his closet for some clean clothes.
Marlena returned a few minutes later, makeup and hair flawless, as usual. John noticed her staring at his bare body. While she stood watching him, he took his time getting dressed, enjoying the feeling that he still turned her on.
“Lets go,” he said as he finished combing his hair and went to the door of the bedroom, slowly turning the handle.
“I can do this…I can do this,” Marlena muttered, but not loud enough for John to hear.
As John made his way down the stairs to the front door he felt immense guilt for making love to Marlena while his child was sick in the hospital. He should have been stronger and resisted his urges. Rachel had to be the priority right now, no one or nothing else.
John locked the door to the penthouse behind him and he guided Marlena to the elevator, noticing for the first time the terror in her eyes.
Chapter 49
“You can do this…you can do this,” Marlena muttered to herself as she slowly stepped out of the elevator. John looked at her with concern, before taking her hand and guiding her down the hall towards the Salem University Hospital neonatal intensive care unit. Marlena held tightly onto John’s hand for support, afraid that if she let go, she would fall.
“Doc,” Roman said as he rose up from the chair in the waiting room to meet her, kissing her on the cheek. She felt the comfort of his whiskered stubble as it scratched against her cheek. She breathed in his scent, the familiar smell a welcome reprieve from the sterility of the hospital.
She smiled awkwardly at him, uncomfortable with the knowledge that she couldn’t hide from him. She had been so hurtful and rude to him the last time she saw him and he hadn’t been by the see her since. Was all forgiven? He wouldn’t be here if he was still mad, right? Could she dare to hope that he might have forgotten what she said?
She glanced up at John, who hadn’t left her side. She couldn’t read his face like she used to. As she stared into his dark blue eyes, she wanted to find comfort and love but felt nothing. Nothing but a deep sadness in her soul, knowing that she was alone and unloved. As she studied his ruggedly handsome face, she was acutely aware for the first time in a long time that time hadn’t changed things, she had. Glancing around the small waiting room at family and friends, she knew that they were really there to support John and the babies, not her. Over time, one bad decision after another, she had managed to put distance between herself and everyone else. Maybe she was doing it to protect them from who she was. Maybe it was to protect her from them. Better to hurt than to be hurt. It was better that way.
John stood by helplessly as Marlena looked up at him, her hazel eyes occluded by the well of tears that gently laid on her lashes waiting to fall. He wanted to comfort her during this horrible ordeal but didn’t know how. In the car ride over her had tried several times to initiate a conversation, but gave up trying after several attempts. Marlena was shutting out the outside world, retreating further into her self. She wouldn’t talk about what was bothering her. She was the most beautiful person he’d ever met, inside and out, yet also the most tortured. Why couldn’t she see how loved she was and what an amazing mother, lover, wife and friend she was? Why didn’t she trust him and their love?
Marlena felt Belle put her small arms around her and hug her tight. She held her daughter close to her, hoping that she could somehow derive the strength to get through this from her, but knowing that she wouldn’t. As Marlena slowly rubbed Belle’s back as Belle sobbed in her arms, Marlena was jealous. She wanted to be the one comforted by another. The more Belle cried, the number Marlena felt. She slowly let go of Belle, hoping to be relieved of the burden. Belle immediately went into her father’s arms, where John provided the loving support and comfort that Belle needed. As Sami hugged her mother, Marlena watched John and Belle with sadness and envy. “I love you mom,” Eric whispered as he embraced his mother. Marlena squeezed him, wishing that she’d feel something to make her pain go away. Eric released Marlena as Carrie gave her a quick hug. They had the perfect family. Why didn’t it feel that way, Marlena wondered.
Marlena felt as if time slowed down and everyone was watching her. Carrie, Eric, Sami and Belle stood to the side of the waiting room looking in her direction. Her mother and father sat at the far end of the waiting room heavily involved in a conversation with Carolyn and Shawn Brady. Bo and Hope, Mickey and Maggie, Alice, Kate and Victor filled out the waiting room. Marlena wanted to hide and retreat to a place where it was safe and that she wouldn’t be judged for who she was. She knew from the stares that they all felt sorry for her. She didn’t want or need their pity, she just wanted their love and acceptance.
John helplessly watched Marlena’s face as it underwent subtle changes as her mind processed the myriad of emotions she was feeling. She could try to hide what she was feeling from the outside world and from him and act as if everything was fine, but her eyes never lied. As Father Jansen entered the waiting room, John watched as Marlena’s tears that she so valiantly was holding back finally fell. She grasped John’s hand tight as he approached them.
“John and Marlena, so good to see you once again, but I’m sorry its on such a sad occasion,” Father Jansen said as he gently touched John and Marlena on their arms. Marlena pulled her arm back, not wanting to be touched by the man of the cloth.
“I understand your wish is to have your children baptized tonight.” Marlena closed her eyes and turned away from John and Father Jansen, John’s hand the only tether keeping her there.
“Yes, that is our wish,” John responded as he tightly held Marlena’s hand. Her hand was cold and clammy and he could feel the small trembles in it. She was frightened and wanted to run, but he wasn’t going to let her. As the mother of Rachel and Noah, she owed it to them, to him, to be there. He wouldn’t give her the out, no matter how much it hurt him or her.
“Before we start, I’d like to talk with the two of you in private,” the priest said, picking up on the tension between the parents.
“Sure,” John said as he led Father Jansen toward a private family conference room that he knew was located at the end of the hall. John motioned for Marlena to take the seat furthest from door. Father Jansen sat down across from Marlena. John closed the heavy wooden door and then took his place next to Marlena.
“I understand from talking with John and the doctors that your child Rachel is quite sick,” Father Jansen said looking directly at Marlena. Marlena ran her hands along the smooth leather of the conference room chair, not wanting to participate in this conversation.
“Marlena,” John said tenderly as he took hold of her hand and brought it to his lap. Marlena grasped his hand for support, digging her nails into his skin.
“It is both of your wishes to have your children baptized in the Catholic faith?” he asked.
“It is,” John said and Marlena nodded.
“Who have you selected to be the godparents of this child?” John looked to Marlena for some indication of her wishes.
“I haven’t really thought about it,” John replied honestly.
“Marlena, do you have any preference?” John asked her.
Marlena sat numbly at the table clutching and unclenching John’s hand. “Honey?” He asked her as he lowered his head to look into her eyes.
“I can’t do this,” she whispered as tears came to her eyes. “I can’t do this John…please don’t make me do this.”
“Together we’ll get through this…together,” John said as he tightened his grasp on her hand and raised it to his lips and kissed it. Marlena closed her eyes tightly as she started to cry.
John took her into his arms and held her while her small frame shook, and her resolve started to melt.
“Are you sure about this…I can give you more time if that’s what you need,” Father Jansen offered.
“No, we’re sure about this,” John said, looking over Marlenas shoulder at the priest. “Do you want me to make the decision,” he softly asked her.
“Yes,” she whispered, her blond head lying against his shoulder, eyes closed.
“I’d like Roman to be the godfather of both twins…and I was thinking Sami as the godmother.”
“Sami?” Marlena asked in surprise, as she raised her head from his shoulder and looked him in the eyes, confused.
“Yes, she reminds me so much of you at times…she’s stubborn as hell at times but never gives up even when the odds are against her and when everyone tells her she should. I want someone like that on the babies side.”
“Okay,” Marlena said, still stunned that with the history between John and Samantha that he would even consider her. But when she thought about it, she really didn’t have any close female friends that she could ask. There was no way that John would ever agree on Maggie being the children’s godmother and Kate and Hope were out of the question given John’s past relationship with both women.
“Before we proceed, you need to ask both of them…If you’d like I can administer the anointing of the sick to Rachel without her being baptized, but it was my understanding from John that he wanted both children to be baptized first.”
“Let me go get them,” John said as he released Marlena and stood up.
Minute’s later John returned to the room to find Marlena sitting defensively in her chair, arms across her chest. Her resolved softened when she saw John, Roman and Sami.
“Is something wrong mom?” Sami asked as she went to her mom. She had been terrified when she saw Father Jansen enter the waiting room. They knew that Rachel was sick, but dying? In Sami’s mind, that had to be the reason why he was there, why they all were there.
“Roman and Sami, Marlena and I would like for you both to be the godparents of the twins,” John said, upon seeing the concern on Sami’s face.
“Are you serious?” Roman asked. He had hoped that he would be asked, but didn’t know if Marlena would even consider it.
“Roman, my friend, there’s no one else I’d trust those kids with…you were there when they were born and I know that you’ll always be there to look out for them.”
“I’d be honored to be their godfather,” Roman responded, beaming with pride. He looked over at Marlena and saw that she was trying to force a smile as a single tear ran down her face.
“Sami?” John said as he approached her. She was sitting in the chair next to Marlena, looking like she was in shock. John noticed that she was crying.
“Honey,” he said as he rubbed her back. “If you don’t want to, that’s okay.”
“It’s not that,” she said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I guess I just never expected this.”
“Why not?” John asked, noticing that Marlena was slowly rubbing Sami’s back, trying to provide her daughter with some comfort.
“I guess I never thought that you trusted me as much as Belle or Carrie…Growing up it always seemed that they could never do any wrong,” Sami admitted between her tears. Marlena took Sami into her arms and held her as she cried, releasing all her insecurities and the inferiority she felt growing up.
“Sami, we love and wouldn’t have asked you if we didn’t think that you’d be the best choice,” John said as she rubbed her back. Sami got up from the chair and hugged her stepfather. “Thank you John. You’ll never know how much this means to me,” she said as she wiped her eyes. “You won’t regret this…I’ll be the best Godmother to those babies.”
“It appears that we have two willing godparents…Do you need a few more minutes before the baptism?” Father Jansen asked.
“No, I think we’re ready,” John said as he released Sami from his embrace and walked around the table and took Marlena’s hand.
“Thank you,” she whispered to John. “Thank-you.”
Father Jansen led John, Marlena, Sami and Roman down the hall to the group that had assembled. More family members and close friends had gathered as Carrie and Belle made more calls, feeling that their parents could use the support and prayers. Marlena stood off to the side, wishing that she were invisible. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t grieve, in front of all these people.
“Marlena and I’d like a few minutes alone with the children, if you don’t mind,” John said noticing the distressed look on Marlena’s face. He clutched her hand tightly and slowly pulled her into the NICU.
The quietness of the room and smell of disinfectant permeated Marlena’s nostrils. She had been in this room several times before, but this time it was different. She stood firmly in the doorway, not having the strength to move further. John once again pulled on her hand and let her to an incubator in the corner of the room. She saw the name on the isolet. Noah Black. It was all too real for her. Pictures could lie, pictures could help her deny, but reality couldn’t. This premature child was hers, a part of her and John. Not wanting to look at the baby, hooked up to wires and eyes taped shut; Marlena grabbed his medical chart and started flipping through it. Vitals good, no sign of neurological damage at this time, organs functioning, blood panels good. Marlena put the chart back and turned her back to the isolet. John was to preoccupied intently studying his son, that he failed to notice Marlena’s reaction.
As Marlena walked to the door of the NICU, John caught up with her and grabbed her arm. “You need to see Rachel,” he whispered. “Please.”
Marlena nodded, knowing that she didn’t have a choice. John led her to the crib that held her dying daughter. Rachel Black, the tag said. Rachel, she hated the name, associating it with Kristin Blake. Why had John chosen that name? She studied the tag, knowing that the longer she studied it, the longer she could put off having to face the fact that her dying child lay below the name tag. Her dying child that would never grow up to be Rachel Black. What kind of a monster was she? What kind of woman wished that she was never pregnant and that she would miscarry?
She was terrified of looking down at Rachel, afraid that all the memories that she’d successfully managed to put into a box in her mind and store away about DJ and his death would rise to the surface. She couldn’t handle losing another child, she knew as a psychiatrist that her mind was too fragile to handle it. Hell, she’d done enough self-diagnosis on herself to know that she was not well. First her son DJ, now Rachel?
Summoning courage that she didn’t know she still had, Marlena eyes slowly moved from the name card, down to the crib that held her daughter.
“Oh my god,” she muttered as she fell to her knees on the floor, grasping her hands to her chest.
“What have I done,” she cried out, tears streaming down her face. John started crying at Marlena’s reaction. He moved behind her and put his hands on her shoulders and held onto her as she cried. Her shoulders shook as sob after sob released all the pain and feelings of helplessness that she’d been feeling for months. After ten minutes of crying, John helped her up from the floor and stood behind her in front of the crib. He put her arms around her waist and pulled her tight to him.
“That’s our baby Rachel,” he whispered. Marlena felt his tears fall softly onto her hair and felt the trembling of his rib cage and chest as he cried.
As Marlena looked down into the special crib and studied her dying daughter’s form, it was hard for her to see where the baby was from all the machines. The ventilator that was breathing for her obscured much of her tiny face, her head bandaged from the shunt that had been placed in her brain. Down the center and side of her body, Marlena could see the surgical tape that masked the incision of her heart surgery. All sorts of tubes and monitoring equipment were attached to her arms and legs. As Marlena reached down to grasp her daughter’s perfect hand, John pulled her back.
“You can’t touch her Marlena,” John warned her. “The germs.”
“If she’s going to die anyway, then she’s going to die knowing that she was loved by her mother,” Marlena said defiantly as she jerked her hand free from John and gently touched Rachel for the first time.
As Marlena touched Rachel’s tiny hand and stroked her five perfect fingers she looked at Rachel in awe. Against all the odds, Rachel was still here.
“Rae-Rae,” Marlena whispered to her daughter, not wanting to call her Rachel. “I’m your momma, can you hear me? I love you and want you to get better.”
John watched with hope, hope that the woman that he married was back and that his daughter would live.
Chapter 50
Father Jansen baptized both children and then issued the annointment of the sick to Rachel. Marlena only let go of Rachel’s tiny hand once, when it was time for Noah to be baptized.
As all the family members and friends stood by and behind John and Marlena, Marlena felt naked and exposed. The closer they got and the more wishes of recovery and condolences she received the worse it felt. She was having trouble breathing and concentrating, starting to feel light-headed. She wanted to be alone with Rachel and John, not with all these people.
No sooner had the annointment ended then one of the alarms hooked up to Rachel went off and everyone was asked to leave the NICU immediately. Rather than everyone going home, as Marlena wanted, everyone stayed behind to provide their support.
“John, please take me home,” Marlena begged John as she pulled on the sleeve of his black denim shirt.
“I don’t want to leave Rachel alone right now Marlena,” John said as he stood before the glass window watching the doctor’s work on his tiny infant.
“I can’t do this John…please don’t make me do this,” she begged him, tears in her eyes.
“You can do this Marlena…you are stronger than you think,” John replied, thinking that he was reassuring her.
“I’m not…I don’t want to be here…I don’t want to be here doing this,” she whispered to him as she motioned to all the people around them. She saw Maggie looking at her, tears in her eyes. She didn’t want them to feel sorry for her. She didn’t need their sympathy. Marlena turned her back to them, forcing John to also move so that he could face her when talking to her.
“They’re your friends Marlena…they want to be here for you,” John said as he watched the team of doctors studying Rachel.
“I don’t like them looking at me like that,” she said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I don’t like the stares John.”
John put his arm around her for support. “They aren’t looking and staring at you honey.”
“Please take me home.”
“If you really want to go home I’ll ask Roman if he’ll take you.”
“No, I need you John,” Marlena pleaded with him, desperate for him to be her savior.
“Marlena, please don’t do this, not here and not now,” John whispered, looking directly into her tormented eyes. For all the little steps forward in progress with her that he’d made over the past year, she always seemed to make giant leaps back.
“Do what? Want to spend time with you?” She was desperate and not afraid to let John know that.
“Our daughter is dying…we should be spending time together with her here, not at home…besides we have a tough decision to make.”
“I can’t do it…don’t ask me to,” Marlena whispered, leaning her head on the cold glass. She closed her eyes and imagined herself in a place far away from the hospital where things were bright and cheery, people happy. As she looked into the mirror in her vision, she didn’t see herself but someone else. Everyone in Salem was in this place called happy but her and they were all laughing and having fun.
“I refuse to make a decision that big alone….you are going to be a part of it whether or not you want to be,” John said as he put his hands on her shoulders, bringing her back to reality. She was saddened that in her dreams she wasn’t even happy.
“I can’t do it,” she said as she started crying again.
“And I can’t make the decision whether or not to turn off our daughters life support alone…you are going to be part of this decision,” John said knowing that time wasn’t on their side. He said it a little louder than he’d intended to, but was beyond caring.
“I can’t do this here,” she said gesturing to the lobby, “In front of all them,” she said gesturing to her family and friends.
“Okay, so we’ll go to the chapel and talk,” John offered.
“Okay,” she replied weakly, looking up at John. John studied her once again, desperately seeking his Marlena, but failing once again to find her.
John took Marlena into his arms and held her for a minute before looking around the room for Roman and Sami. Once he saw them he gestured for them to come over to where he and Marlena were standing. “Roman and Sami, could we speak with you for a minute?” John asked them. They both rose up from their chairs and approached them.
“Something’s come up….Look, could you both keep an eye on the babies and call me immediately if there’s any change…Marlena and I are going to go down to the chapel to talk and pray…Please keep this to yourself right now, but the doctors feel that they’ve done all they can for Rachel and its time to turn off the life support machines,” John said as he pulled Marlena closer into his body, as he was sheltering her.
“Oh my God Mom, she’ll die without it,” Sami gasped as she embraced her mother. Marlena was trying her hardest to keep it together. John saw her shut her eyes and clench them tightly, trying to ward off tears.
“Thanks for your concern Sami…We’ll be back in a little while,” John said to Sami as he took Marlena’s hand and led her toward the elevator. Once they were safely in the confines of the elevator car and away from concerned eyes, Marlena started crying. John silently took her in his arms and held her, slowly rubbing circles along her back.
When the elevator reached the floor the chapel was on, John stopped the elevator car and turned and faced Marlena.
“Whatever happens today, we face it together Marlena,” John said as he cupped her chin and lifted her face. So much sadness and pain filled her hazel eyes. Marlena nodded her head, unable to find the words to respond to John.
Wordlessly, John released the stop button and the doors to the elevator car slowly opened. The hallway was eerily quiet as John put his arm around Marlena and supported her as they made their way to the hospital chapel. He had been there so many times before, for so many different reasons. God had heard his prayers in the past, would he this time?
Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Hope and Bo Brady leave the chapel by the side door. Not giving Marlena a chance to change her mind, John ushered Marlena into the small chapel. Once they reached the altar at the front of the chapel he reached for two candles and handed them to Marlena to light.
She knelt at the altar and lit the candles for Noah and Rachel as her hands shook. John stood behind her, hands on her shoulders as he prayed for his children.
“God, I know I have no right to ask for your mercy at a time like this, but I am asking you, begging you, to save my little girl. She’s innocent God, so pure and full of all that’s good in the world…she hasn’t had a chance to live her life…please don’t take that chance away…please show us your mercy and allow her to live…please lord…” Marlena heard the start of John’s prayer. She knelt her head in silence, unable to pray for her daughter or her son.
As John’s prayer continued, Marlena found herself not drawing strength from him, but felt a sense of nothingness come over her. Why did he get to draw strength from God and she didn’t? Why was God doing this to her? Why was God making her child suffer for her mistakes? Why had God forsaken her?
The longer John prayed the madder Marlena got. Marlena made an attempt to stand up, but John mistook her move as one of sorrow and held onto her shoulders tighter.
“God, we ask for your strength and guidance as Marlena and I make this difficult decision regarding Rachel…We place Rachel in your hands…” John continued praying.
Marlena tried to stand up again, but John was holding her down. Feeling a sense of confinement, she struggled against him, tears running down her face. John increased his grip and squeezed her shoulders for support.
“Why god,” she screamed out as she picked up the candle she lit for Rachel and threw it against the wall at the back of the altar.
“Why,” she whispered, “Why?”
John knelt down on the floor next to her, stunned. “Why,” she murmured over and over as she stared up at the cross hanging on the wall behind the altar. “Why?”
John tried to take Marlena into his arms but she fought against him, her eyes never leaving the cross.
“Why are you doing this to me?” she cried. “Why? Haven’t I been punished enough for my sins?”
“Marlena honey,” John said as he stroked her back. “This isn’t your fault.”
Marlena’s eyes were transfixed on the cross and she was unable to hear John’s words of comfort and reassurance. “I’ve tried to be good….I’ve tried to follow in your path….I’ve tried so hard….Don’t make my children suffer because of me.”
“Marlena, it’s going to be okay.”
“I can’t do this on my own anymore…I’ve tried so hard to be strong…take me, make me suffer, but don’t hurt my baby.” Marlena was frantic, staring at the cross, wiping away her tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “Don’t make Rachel suffer because of me.”
“Marlena, its okay.”
“Please give me one more chance, give her one more chance,” she whispered.
“It’s okay honey, none of this is your fault.”
“Please God, please don’t do this…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Marlena reached over and grabbed another candle and lit it. “Please, I’m asking you, begging you, to have mercy on my baby and not to take her because of me.”
John watched her helplessly, unable to reach her. Marlena continued staring at the cross and conversing with God.
He picked up a candle, took the lighter out of her hands and lit the candle and prayed for her. He was saddened to see her soul so tormented. She must have been carrying an enormous burden all this time thinking that Rachel’s health issues were her fault.
John was in the midst of praying for Rachel and Marlena when he felt Marlena suddenly stand up.
“You are not going to win,” she screamed at the cross, lifting her hands up in the air, palms up. “You are not going to do this to me….I cannot lose another child,” she continued to scream, the shrill of her voice resonating against the stained glass windows at the back of the chapel. Panicked, John quickly stood up and physically turned her body so that it was facing him.
“Marlena, it’s okay,” John said, grabbing her chin and holding her head still with his hand. Marlena struggled against his fierce grip.
“No, its fucking not,” she yelled at John, her eyes never leaving the cross on the wall. “What kind of God punishes a child for the sins of its mother? Answer that John,” she yelled, her voice a little softer.
“You don’t mean that honey,” he said as he let go of her chin and took both of her hands in his. He didn’t like the frantic look in her eyes or her desperation.
“I always say what I mean…Well you know what? He’s not going to win this time…I’m through with this…Rachel is going to live, God will not take her from us… …The fucking life support system stays on.”
John stared at her, then grabbed her face gently and held it in his hands. “Are you sure about this Marlena? Do you really want to keep the life support system on?”
“Yes, I’m more sure about this than I have been about anything for a long time. If God is going to take her than he’s going to have to take her with that machine on.”
“Okay, I’ll go and let the doctors know…do you want to go with me?”
Marlena nodded her head yes and confidently took his hand. With determination that she didn’t know that she had, she truly believed for the first time that things might be okay. As they left the chapel Hope Brady approached them. Immediately, Marlena felt sick to her stomach by the site of Hope. Had Hope heard her outburst in the chapel?
Hope took in Marlena’s tear soaked face, disheveled clothes and messy hair and assumed the worst. “Marlena, I’m sorry for intruding, but do you have a minute?”
Marlena looked at Hope tentatively for a few seconds before responding. “Sure,” she said as John let go of her hand.
“Do you want me to wait honey or will you be okay here?” Marlena looked at him in awe. He truly was the most supportive and loving man. She felt guilty for all that she had put him through. He deserved someone much better, deserved a relationship so much more than what she could offer.
“I’ll be fine,” Marlena said as she faced Hope. Before speaking, she raked her fingers through her hair, trying to restore some order. “Hope, what is it?” Marlena asked, her voice calm and collected.
“I know that you are going through a really difficult time right now,” Hope said, noticing Marlena looking down at the floor. “I just want you to know that as your friend, that I’m here for you.”
“Thank you Hope, I appreciate that.”
“I also want you to know that I understand what you are going through right now.”
“You understand?” Marlena asked, confused as to what Hope meant.
“You know, JT.” The mention of JT brought back painful memories for Marlena. John’s betrayal of their marriage vows on their honeymoon, his believed fathering of JT and most importantly all the lies he told her to cover up the truth. Marlena tried to push the painful memories down, hoping that her pain wasn’t evident.
“Oh,” Marlena responded, not knowing what to say. “It’s not exactly the same though…JT ended up not being your child at all.”
“I know, but I was thinking it was similar more along the lines of you possibly using drugs and alcohol while pregnant with the babies…I know how hard it was for me when we knew that something was wrong with JT and I thought that I was the cause of it,” Hoped rambled on unaware of the open mouthed look of shock on Marlena’s face.
“You know?” Marlena asked in shock, the blood pounding in her eyes. She fought to stay in control of her emotions, amid a tightening sensation in her chest. She looked around the room for the nearest exit.
“Of course, don’t be embarrassed by it Marlena.”
“Who else knows?” she asked calmly, as if it were no big deal, but secretly horrified at what the answer might be. She couldn’t lose control in front of Hope Brady. She’d do what she needed to do, but vowed not to let Hope see her guilt and pain.
“Quite a few people, you know how news spreads around Salem…its really no big deal though…I mean its not something you probably want people to know about, I sure didn’t…But know that I’m here in case you ever want to talk to someone who has been in your shoes and knows what you are feeling,” Hope said as she hugged Marlena. Marlena returned the hug, forcing emotions of kindness, gratitude and compassion that she just wasn’t feeling.
As Marlena watched Hope walk down the hallway toward Bo, she had this sinking feeling that this perfect world and existence that she’d created for herself in Salem was about to come crashing down.
Chapter 51
The sound of the doorbell ringing awoke Marlena from her restless slumber. No matter how many times she tried to sleep, it seemed elusive to her. She was going on her tenth straight day with little to no sleep and the last thing she wanted to do was to entertain a well meaning Salemite. Opening the large peephole on her door she saw that it was Alex North.
Shit.
A feeling of restless deep within her gut slowly made its way up into her brain. Alex North was the last person she wanted to see on earth and here he was, separated only by a 2-inch piece of wood.
“Alex,” Marlena forced herself to say cheerfully. “Just a moment.” She shut and locked the peephole door and leaned against the door for support as she slowly turned the locks to let him in. Her fingers were shaking and she tried to breathe deeply to calm herself.
Abruptly she flung the door open, wanting to get his visit over with as quickly as possible.
“Marlena dear, it’s so good to see you,” Alex North said as he entered her house and kissed Marlena on the cheek. The familiar scent of his Irish Springs soap permeated her nostrils. She always hated the smell of that soap and probably always would. No matter how many times she tried to get Alex to use a different brand of soap or at least use aftershave, he’d always refused to.
“Alex, it’s nice to see you too,” Marlena said sincerely. She was confused. Although he terrified her on some level, he was comforting. As unhealthy as their relationship was in the past, he knew more about her than any other living person and hadn’t abandoned her like so many others had. That had to count for something.
“I hear you had quite a little adventure in John’s overreaction to my presence,” Alex said as he sat down on Marlena’s floral couch.
“Is that what you’re calling it Alex?” Marlena said laughing as she sat down across from him and nervously crossed her legs.
“Marly dear…this is no time for a joke…If I didn’t know better I’d think that you were ignoring or hiding from me.” Alex leaned forward in his seat, elbows on his knees, hands supporting his chin. His eyes bored deep into her.
“Alex, you know that I tried to call you,” Marlena said as she looked away uncomfortably.
“Yes and I am grateful that you did,” Alex said as he studied Marlena. “I was sick with worry about you and your welfare. I have only your best interest at heart, you know that.”
“I know, although sometimes with your possessiveness, it doesn’t feel that way,” Marlena said as she got up from the couch and went into the kitchen and brought back two cups of tea. She handed one cup to Alex. He grabbed onto her wrist with his other hand.
“You my dear, need to learn to trust others.” Marlena slowly sat down next to him on the couch.
“That’s what you always used to say,” she said as she tried to put some distance between them on the couch.
“Well it’s true…I’m not some monster that you make me out to be.” He reminded her so much of her biological father. He was such a smooth talker and so convincing. Half of the time Marlena felt guilty for thinking negative thoughts about him and his motives. She watched as he slowly inched closer to her on the couch.
“It doesn’t help when you try to blackmail me…look I remember the past, I do… I’m well aware of all that’s gone on,” Marlena blurted out, his proximity suffocating.
“All of it?”
“All of it…you can’t hoodwink me anymore Alex… I know how you tried to keep John away from me and I know that it wasn’t in the name of therapy either.” Memories of his so-called ‘therapy’ rose to the surface of his mind. She remembered laying in his arms, him comforting her with kisses and caresses telling her that she was just transferring her feelings for John onto him. It had all been a lie. He’d used her trust and taken advantage of her. She couldn’t let him know how much that bothered her and give him the upper hand. She was no longer a naïve seventeen year old looking for a savior.
“Do John and Roman know that you’ve remembered the past?” Alex asked as he picked up his cup of tea and took a sip. Her directness puzzled him. He couldn’t let Marlena get to him; he had to make sure that he was in control of this conversation. He always had far more to lose than she ever did.
“Of course, why wouldn’t they? Its not some big secret?” She looked at him quizzically, not understanding where he was going with his line of questioning.
“Is it?”
“I hate when you get like this Alex…I really do…It used to piss me off before and it still pisses me off,” Marlena responded in anger. Alex was getting to her.
“Why, does it remind you of your mother?” He asked snidely, purposely trying to hurt her and turn the tables on their conversation.
“Hardly,” Marlena lied as she laughed. “I barely remember her… If your intent is to get under my skin, it’s not working.” She picked up her cup of tea off of the coffee table and took a sip, holding onto the cup for support.
“I’m glad to see that your bout of amnesia brought back the old Marly…I was really getting tired of the submissive good doctor Evans routine you had going on there….you were really quite boring,” Alex said as he stood up from the couch and went and looked out the window. “How have you been, really?”
“Fine, but you probably already know that,” Marlena said as she got up from the couch and stood next to him at the window. The distance he put between them, although welcome, made her uncomfortable.
“God, I’ve missed you,” Alex said as he put his arm around her, bringing her closer to him. He leaned closer and breathed in deeply, inhaling her scent. “You look good too, I’m glad that you took my suggestion and lost your extra weight…John likes you fat so that other men won’t look at you… You look much better now… It’s like the old Marly is back…I hope that you are planning to do something about the wretched clothes you’ve been wearing,” Alex said while taking in her lose black slacks and pink sweater.
“You are such a snob…. There’s nothing wrong with what I wear,” she said looking down at the clothing that she was wearing. She was insulted that Alex considered her clothing style wretched.
“But you look so much better when you show some skin,” he said as he brushed her hair away from her neck and kissed her neck. She jerked away from him. “Don’t,” she warned him, walking away from him and sitting back down on the couch.
“So inquiring minds want to know what dear John’s reaction was to your memory returning,” Alex asked as he walked around the living room of the penthouse, looking at the things that defined who his Marly had become. Previously when he’d visited the penthouse he spent all of his attention and energy in keeping Marlena from remembering John and their past that he never paid much attention to his surroundings.
Marlena picked up her cup of tea and looked at the cup. “Oh, you haven’t told John, have you?”
Marlena continued staring into her cup, contemplating how she was going to gain control over the situation and conversation. She couldn’t afford letting Alex control the conversation. He always seemed to have a way of turning it to get to her. “He knows what he needs to know.”
“John doesn’t know that we were married, does he?” Alex asked.
“There is no need for him to know,” Marlena said staring into the bottom of her cup.
“Why, are you ashamed?”
“No,” she said faintly as she continued staring into her cup.
“Then why haven’t you told him?”
“Alex, its not like we sit around and talk about you,” Marlena responded, looking up at Alex, wanting to change the course of the conversation, but not knowing how.
“Touché Marly…I’ll forgive you for your failure to mention that you are in fact Mrs. Alexander North and always will be,” Alex said as he sat down next to her on the couch and put his hand on her knee. He smiled inwardly as he felt her flinch.
“Don’t remind me,” she said as she closed her eyes. Years before she’d made a deal with the devil that continued to haunt her. Trade one evil for another.
“Why, I’d say my time with you was some of the happiest times of my life,” Alex said as he took her small hand in his and kissed it.
“Maybe for you, but somehow I don’t recall our brief time together quite the same,” Marlena said as she closed her eyes, trying to ward of feelings of hopelessness. Memories of her past with him and how dysfunctional she had been, they had been, rose to the surface of her mind. As much as she tried to deny who she was, she seemed incapable of escaping her past.
“You can’t deny that the sex was phenomenal,” Alex said as he slowly stroked her hand with his fingers, refusing to let go of it.
Marlena blushed and turned her head away in embarrassment. “Please be a little more mature,” Marlena said, not knowing what else to say.
“That thing that you used to do with your mouth…did you ever do that for John?”
“I’m not going to answer that,” Marlena said as she jerked her hand out of his and stood up. “So what do you want? When are you going to leave town?”
“I want what I’ve always wanted, you, and I’m not going to leave Salem without you.”
“Alex, that’s not going to happen…I’ve moved on,” Marlena said as she stared out the window and watched as a mother bird brought back a worm to feed to her babies in the nest.
“Yes I can see, with quite a few men after me, too bad that you failed to divorce me when you left me…kind of puts a kink in your relationship or should I say marriage with John…What do you think he’s going to say when he finds out that his saintly wife is a bigamist,” Alex threatened. Although Alex wanted to be the one to tell John and see the reaction on his face, he relished torturing Marlena by making her the one to tell John more.
“Alex, sorry to burst your little bubble of reality you’re living in, but John divorced me months ago.”
Marlena looked at Alex with satisfaction seeing his face turn an ashen color. “He did?”
“Of course.”
“John Black let go of you….he divorced you?” Alex still didn’t believe her. Could this be another one of her tricks to get him to let her go?
“Yes.” Score one for Marlena, she thought. She was enjoying this turn of the conversation.
“I don’t believe it.”
“Go to the courts and look up the records for yourself.”
“But why?”
“That Alex, is none of your business,” Marlena replied smugly.
“But you just gave birth to his children, why would he divorce you?” A million thoughts ran simultaneously through John’s head. How? Why? When? “Did you suddenly become frigid with him and refuse to provide for his sexual needs?”
“It’s a complicated family matter that I’m not going to discuss with you…. End of story.” She knew that he wanted a reaction from her at his last comment and she refused to give him that satisfaction.
“I guess it’s for the best, because I’m positive if I told dear John about you and your torrid past, he couldn’t run to divorce court fast enough and file for sole custody of your children,” Alex threatened.
“You know Alex, I’m sick of your veiled threats…I really am…If you want to tell John all about me, go ahead.” She threw her hands up in frustration.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I’m not kidding…”
“Marlie, I know you too well…. You try to act all tough and strong, but I know you’re not…deep down your terrified that all of Salem will know that this little world you’ve created, this façade, isn’t real.”
“What do you want me to say Alex? Do I want you to tell all of Salem about my past? No, of course not, but I refuse to be blackmailed by you.”
“I love it when you’re feisty.”
“You are really sick Alex, you know that.” Marlena rubbed her temples, where a dull ache had started to form. Her lack of sleep and the events of the last three weeks had taken their toll on Marlena. It had been three weeks since Marlena had made the decision to keep Rachel on life support and they were just beginning to see signs of her condition stabilizing. She was still in critical condition and the odds were still against her, but she had a chance. A chance that Marlena was hanging onto, hoping for. Memories of her past returning in waves, Rachel’s daily fight for survival and her complicated relationship with John, had Marlena on an emotional roller coaster that she couldn’t control or stop. Alex’s presence was an accelerator.
“And your point would be?” He said, a hint of glee evident in his voice. He knew that he had her where he wanted her. He was winning.
“Just a statement, nothing more… Look if you want to tell John about me, go ahead… I’ve lost him anyway.” Her emotional armor was slowly coming down. She knew that she didn’t have the strength to fight him, she never had. It had all been a sick illusion.
“I still find that hard to believe… Why would a man like John ever give you up?”
“Gee, wonder why?” Marlena said as she stared laughing nervously. She could think of thirty good reasons off the top of her head why she was toxic and why John should stay away.
“What’s so funny?” Alex asked.
“You…what is it with you and your obsession with John? If I didn’t know better, I’d think that you wanted him, not me.” Her head was now pounding, and her vision becoming blurred. She knew that she had a migraine headache and needed to take her medicine. The sooner that she got rid of him, the sooner that she’d feel better.
“That’s absurd,” Alex said angrily. “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll never mention that again.”
“Please give me a divorce Alex, please.” She didn’t care what it took; she wanted to be done with him.
“No.”
“Why are you doing this to me…why are you trying to hold onto me?” She said, unable to hold back her tears. The pain from her migraine and Alex’s emotional torment had her unglued. She was unable to control her emotions, her body racked with sobs.
“I love you.”
“How can you love me…you barely know me anymore… I’ve had minimal contact with you over the past thirty years,” she cried out to him in anger.
“You are my soulmate…we belong together…always have and always will,” Alex said to her convincingly as he approached her.
“No, that’s not true.” Marlena panicked when she saw the look in his eyes. She knew what was coming next. He was nothing, if not predictable.
“It is,” Alex said as he roughly grabbed Marlena by the face and kissed her hard. “You belong to me…no one else.”
“No, please let me go,” she begged as she tried to get out of his grasp. Her nausea kept her in place. His words of adoration, the repulsive scent of her father, his grasp on her, and John’s perceived rejection of her, had her mind swirling. She was unable to process the truth for what it was.
“You will always be mine,” Alex said as he kissed her again, this time forcing his tongue inside her mouth. Marlena clenched her teeth shut and tried to block out his intrusion, but he pulled hard on her hair. “Don’t,” he warned her. He reached for the buttons on her pink sweater and slowly undid them.
“Don’t do this Alex…you don’t have to do this,” she pleaded with him, tears in her eyes. Her body trembled in fear. This couldn’t be happening to her again.
“You’re my wife, I have to show you how much I love you and how we belong together,” Alex said as he removed her sweater and led her up the stairs to her bedroom.
AliNovember 9, 2014, 8:07 pmIP: 74.90.209.177 · Post #52
Posts:573Group:Mod SquadMember#4Joined:November 8, 2014Chapter 52
“Honey, I’m home,” John said as he inserted his key into the lock of the penthouse door and opened it. The hum of electricity and the faint ticking of a clock were the only sounds that could be heard. As John set his keys down on the small sitting desk, he sincerely hoped that Marlena had been able to get some much-needed sleep. He knew that she was having problems sleeping, having woken up several times in the middle of the night to find her on the terrace staring up at the star filled heavens.
It was only when Marlena breathed in deeply, that John was even aware that she was in the room. Startled that he previously hadn’t even noticed her, John glanced over at her sleeping form engulfed by the large floral couch. Like the couch he so hated, she blended into the surrounding, not being noticeable. The irony was not lost on John.
Not knowing if she was sleeping or awake, John slowly sat down next to her and rubbed her back. He took the opportunity in this one moment of peace to study her still form. Her silky blonde hair lay tousled against her face, framing her pale cheekbones. John wanted to see her eyes, know how she was doing, but didn’t want to wake her. He reached out gently to touch her face, the pads of his fingers barely touching her. He saw the fine lines that graced her eyes, lines that he’d never really noticed before. Had they always been there and he’d been too preoccupied with the daily hum of life to notice?
Realizing that her breathing pattern had changed and was now more shallow, John withdrew his hands from her face and rubbed her back once again. “Did you have a good nap?” John asked as Marlena opened her eyes.
“Yes,” she lied, as she closed her eyes, not wanting to John to see them. A million emotions coursed through her veins. Marlena rolled from her side to her stomach so that she wouldn’t directly have to look at John. If only she could make it through this, lie and act like things were fine, then she’d be okay.
“That’s good…you’ve been so tired lately,” John said as he studied her still form. He rubbed her shoulders, noting the tenseness of her muscles. It was moments like this, spent alone in the comforts of their home, which John cherished. He’d give all the money he had just to be able to have these moments with Marlena. He loved her, plain and simple, he loved her.
“I’m okay,” Marlena whispered, trying to sound stronger than she felt. John wouldn’t hurt her, would he?
“I stopped by the hospital to see Rachel and Noah on my way home. Carrie and Austin are with the babies right now. I’m going to go back in a little while, but wanted to see you first.” John had been worried about her, sensing that something wasn’t right. Knowing that she was at the penthouse alone, he rushed back for his own piece of mind. He didn’t like leaving her alone, but didn’t really have a choice. Marlena had sent her parents to stay at the Salem Inn after she and her mother got into an argument a week before. Family and friends had started making comments to John about Marlena, sensing that something wasn’t right. John stood by helplessly as Marlena was becoming undone, not knowing how to stop it or help her. Lexie had prescribed medication for Marlena, stating that she was most likely suffering from postpartum depression. John had tried to be understanding and supportive, but Marlena was making it difficult. She had managed to alienate most of her friends, not wanting to be around them, not returning their calls and ignoring them when they’d ask what they could do to help. Marlena had made it clear to everyone that she was fine.
“How are they?” Marlena asked, not wanting to get her hopes up.
“Rachel is holding steady, but the good news is with Noah…His doctors seem to think that he’ll be able to go home next week.” John smiled as he recalled being able to hold his son and feed him a bottle for the first time. Marlena should have been there and have been the one to do that. Why were things so difficult and hard that they couldn’t share the every day moments that define life and living?
“Really,” Marlena said as she rolled onto her back and struggled to sit up. John noticed that her sweater was unbuttoned halfway down the front and that she wasn’t wearing a bra. “That’s such great news,” Marlena said, oblivious to John staring at her chest.
“Yeah, we’ve got some shopping to do first though,” John said as he reached out and fingered the pearl buttons on her sweater.
“You must have been really tired Marlena, your buttons don’t line up,” John said as he laughed. She always looked so cute after napping.
Marlena turned her head to the side, not wanting John to see her face. “I was,” she lied. She was slowly dying inside. Every cell of strength and determination to persevere in her body slowly being invaded and eaten by a cancer that she wasn’t sure how to define. As her tears burnt a path down her cheeks, she bit her lip trying to keep her body from trembling. The coppery taste of her own blood a reminder that she was alive.
“Would you like to go with me to the hospital to visit the kids tonight?” John asked hopeful that she would. Since the night they decided to keep Rachel on life support, Marlena had been to see her daughter a couple of times, but never with John and always at odd hours. John had woken up several times during the night to find Marlena gone and had called the hospital to find that she was there with the children.
“No, I’m kind of tired,” Marlena said as she numbly stared out of the window. She wanted to tell John about Alex and for him to make things better, but didn’t have the courage. The little voice inside of her that told her that she wasn’t worthy of John’s love, told her that he would leave her for good if she told him, just like everyone else had left her. Besides, on some level, didn’t she deserve it?
“Are you okay?” John asked. He was growing used to her mood swings, but tonight was different. Something was wrong. He glanced around the room, looking for signs that something was amiss, but found the perfect house, everything in its perfect, designer arranged place. Everything was too fucking perfect, everything but Marlena. In the space she’d created for the family, everything was fucking perfect, John noticed for the first time. The perfect couch, the perfect drapes, the perfect linens, the perfect accessories. Why hadn’t he seen that before? How many signs had Marlena been inadvertently sending him over the years that he’d failed to pick up? Was he to blame for her issues as well? As a husband, had he failed her?
“Yes,” she lied once again, trying to convince herself that she was fine. If she said it enough, would she believe it? If she said it enough, would it come true?
“Look at me Marlena,” John said as he raised her chin with his index finger. Her face was tear stained, mascara staining her cheeks. “What happened?” John asked in a panic.
“Nothing…I’m fine,” Marlena said, her eyes closed. How do you say you’re sorry? How do you know that he really cares and wants to help you? He was too near to her, to close to her emotions.
“Marlena, someone or something has upset you…I can see it on your face and from your body language,” John moved closer to her on the couch, dismayed that she didn’t trust him enough to confide in him. After all this time the wall was still there and John still didn’t have a clue how to get around it or over it.
“I’m fine,” Marlena said as she stood up, putting as much distance, emotionally and physically, between them as possible.
“You don’t look fine to me honey…do you want to talk about it?” John asked as he got up from the couch and followed her. “You’re killing me Doc,” John thought to himself. She had saved him from himself and Stefano so many times in the past, why wouldn’t she let him save her?
“I said I’m fine,” Marlena said as she brushed a few errant stands of her blond hair from her eyes. She turned away from him and went out onto the balcony, needing to get out of the apartment and away from her memories of him.
“You don’t look fine to me,” John said as he placed his hand gently on her arm, desperately wanting to reach this person that he loved more than anything in the world.
“I said I’m fine and mean it…please stop asking me,” Marlena begged as she looked down at the busy street below. She was barely aware of John rubbing her arm as she calculated the speed at which she’d travel if she jumped. She knew how many feet off the ground the penthouse terrace was. Multiplying that by her body weight she would most likely break all the bones in her body as she hit the pavement below. Would she leave a bloody mess, or would the catastrophic damage to her system be internal only? What would it feel like to make that jump, to fall?
John silently watched as she stared down below. What was she thinking? Where had she gone? “Okay, why don’t you go upstairs with me and I’ll run you a nice hot bath.” He wanted to get her out of the cold and back into the house.
Shaken out of her reverie, Marlena nodded. “That’s a nice idea…thanks John.” Glancing at the pavement below one last time, Marlena then turned around and made her way back into the penthouse and to the stairs. John noticed that she seemed to be in pain, something about her gait was off.
“Are you alright Doc?” he asked as he rushed to the stairs to help her.
“Just a little sore…I’ll be okay,” she said as she grimaced. She grabbed the handrail and held onto it for support as she made her way up the staircase. John walked behind her, prepared to catch her if she fell.
As Marlena walked into her bedroom, she looked away from the bed as she walked into the large bathroom. Glancing in the mirror, she could see that John had followed her into the bedroom, but not the bathroom. He was standing at the foot of their marital bed, staring at it.
As John stared at the covers he had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something was wrong, but the question was what. “Naw, she would have told me,” John said as he tried to convince himself that maybe everything was right and that he was just looking for trouble. The sound of water running in the bathroom shook John from his line of thinking. He went into the bathroom just in time to see Marlena remove her pants.
“John,” Marlena exclaimed as she tried to cover herself.
“What?” John replied sheepishly.
“You shouldn’t be in here,” Marlena said as she grabbed a maroon oversized towel and wrapped it around her waist.
“Marlena, we’re married,” John reminded her, puzzled by her sudden modesty.
“Were married, as in the past. It’s not proper for you to be in here.”
“Not proper?” John asked, remembering last night when he’d made love to her in the bathtub.
“Look, could I have some privacy?” she finally asked, realizing that the ‘proper’ wasn’t going to fly with John, not when she counted up the times they’d made love since they returned from Alaska.
“Fine,” John said as he turned around and faced the door, his back to Marlena. He heard her shut off the water and get into the bathtub.
“Okay,” she said, making sure that the bubbles in the tub provided cover. She didn’t know why she was being like this with him. She never had issues with her body and nudity before, why now?
As John turned around, he was concerned by the site before him. Last night when he walked into the bathroom and found her in the tub she looked sexy as hell. He couldn’t get close to her fast enough, jumping into the tub fully dressed. Tonight was a different story. She looked sad, like she had lost the best friend that she ever had. Something was bothering her.
“Mar, talk to me,” John said as he sat down on the side of the tub.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Marlena said as she leaned her head back on the inflatable bath pillow and closed her eyes.
“Mar, I love you…I can see that something is wrong.”
“Nothing is wrong…everything is fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive,” she said as she forced a smile. As she studied the bubbles in the tub she wondered how long it would take to drown in a bathtub? A couple minutes? Longer? Would your body automatically fight for its self-preservation by rising to the surface for air, when possible?
“You’d tell me if something was wrong, would you?” John asked.
Marlena reached for the bar of soap, avoiding the question. She didn’t want to lie to John. She could avoid his questions, but she never wanted to be a liar. Good girls didn’t lie, they always told the truth. She was good wasn’t she?
“Marlena?” John asked as he moved closer to her. He lack of a response was worrying him and only confirmed what he had been feeling; something was wrong. He had a sickening feeling in his gut that something was very wrong with the picture of domestic bliss that Marlena tried so hard to present.
As soon as her hand grasped the bar of soap, John saw the bruises on her upper forearm. Bruises that had not been there last night. “What the fuck,” he thought to himself.
“Marlena,” he said as he grabbed her arm. She pulled her arm out of his grasp and turned her head. “Who did this to you,” he demanded.
“Its nothing,” she said as she turned her head to the side, unable to look him in the eyes and lie. She was going to lie. She wasn’t a good girl, never was. As much as she tried to pretend that she was, she would never be good enough.
“Its something, don’t lie to me either. Who did this to you?” He reached into the water, shirtsleeves becoming soaked in the process. He roughly grabbed her other arm which was hidden underneath the bubbles and lifted it up.
“Marlena,” John said as tears formed in his eyes. Matching bruises dotted her other arm, the clear imprints of another person’s fingers visible.
Marlena jerked her hands out of John’s grasp and put them beneath the bubbles, in embarrassment. She was disgusted with herself. She’d been so preoccupied with seeing what John was doing in the bedroom that she’d failed to hide the evidence. Her father would be so disappointed in her. The one thing that he’d always taught her and Sam was how to hide the evidence so that no one knew. The less people knew, the less questions they asked, the less trouble they got into later. It was easier that way.
“Marlena,” John said again as he lifted her face tenderly with his fingers. She wouldn’t open her eyes to look at him. John tenderly stroked her face with his fingers trying to provide some measure of comfort. He could see her bottom lip and chin start to tremble.
“Talk to me…did someone hurt you?” Was she mugged or robbed and was to scared to tell him?
“No,” she said weakly, as the tears that she had been trying desperately to hold back finally fell.
“Marlena, I have to know…. Please tell me what happened…how did you get these bruises?”
“I can’t,” Marlena cried out, starting to sob.
“Can’t or won’t? If someone did this to you they need to be punished.”
“It’s nothing, just a little misunderstanding, that’s all,” she said, ashamed that he had seen her bruises. She was incapable of telling him the truth. Talking about it would make it real. Besides, she was strong enough to handle this on her own, telling John would only bring up elements of the past that she never wanted John to know. Telling wouldn’t change things; it would only make them worse.
“Marlena, who did this to you?” John asked again, still not comprehending the full scope of the situation.
“No one, I’m fine, forget about it,” Marlena said as she sat up in the tub and grabbed the sides for support as she lifted her body out of the water. John watched her helplessly, silently inspecting her body for other bruises. She was much too thin still. As much as he encouraged her to eat more, she always claimed that she wasn’t hungry.
Marlena grabbed another maroon towel off the rack and wrapped it around her body. John followed her as she went into the bedroom.
“Why won’t you talk to me about this?” John said as he sat down on the disheveled bed.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Marlena said as she opened her dresser drawer and pulled out underwear and a bra.
“You have bruises on your arms that weren’t there yesterday. Somebody grabbed you and I want to know who it was and why?”
“Its nothing John…leave it alone,” Marlena said as she dropped her towel and quickly put on her underwear and bra.
“I can’t…I’m concerned.”
“Don’t be…as my ex-husband I release you from any sense of obligation you have for me…I’m a grown woman capable of taking care of myself…If I need your help I’ll ask you for it, okay.” John watched as Marlena went to her closet and took out a pair of jeans and a sweater and put them on.
“Promise me that you’ll tell me if something happened,” John said as he got up from their bed and approached Marlena at the mirror where she was putting on her jewelry.
“I promise John,” Marlena said with a smile as she looked him in the eye and lied to his face. He watched as she disappeared into her closet, returning minutes later carrying her oversized Louis Vuitton bag that he’d given her for Christmas a couple years past.
“Where are you going?” he asked, concerned.
“Out,” she said as she quickly walked past him to the bedroom door. “Don’t wait up for me,” she said as she looked at him, coldness in her eyes.
Once Marlena had made it out of the penthouse without being interrogated by John, she reached into her bag and felt the cold metal of the 9 mm handgun hidden inside. For the first time in weeks, she smiled.
Chapter 53
“I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.” John picked up his shot glass of tequila and took a bitter sip. The liquid burned as it rode a familiar path down John’s throat toward his stomach.
“The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. I try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.” John picked up the glass and motioned for the bartender to give him a much-needed refill. He watched with half-closed contemplative eyes as the attractive redhead expertly filled another glass and set it down before him. He has too tired to appreciate her low-cut shirt which more than showed off what God or some doctor had given her.
“What have I become my sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end.” John laughed at the irony of the words to the song that was playing on the jukebox as he picked up his glass and studied it.
“And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.” John raised the glass to his lips, threw back his head and downed the pale liquid in seconds. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Roman Brady sit down next to him and motion for the bartender.
“I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar’s chair, full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here.” John picked up another shot glass in a toast to Roman, lost in the words of the song. Memories of his conversation with Marlena came to the forefront of his mind. Who was Marlena? Was she still the same woman that she was always was; the kind and generous woman that he passionately and completely loved like no other? Or was the real Marlena coming to the surface, the same person that she always was, but he was just too blind in love with her to see? How much pain and hurt was worth that love?
As Roman listened to the words of the Johnny Cash song, he studied John. John was facing the bar, staring straight into the decorative Coors mirror. Was he staring at himself or seeing someone else?
“What have I become my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end.” John felt a deep coldness in his soul. It was true; everyone and everything that John ever held dear to him, was always lost in the end. Princess Gina, Rachel, Isabella, Marlena…
“And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.” Twenty years of a complicated relationship with Marlena. Twenty years of a love so completely consuming. Twenty years of the most fulfilling happiness that John had ever known. Twenty years of so much pain and hurt. John wondered as he lifted his glass to his mouth once again to down another shot, was all the pain really worth it in the end. Was their love true and pure enough to mitigate any pain that they continually had to go through to experience that type of love?
“If I could start again, a million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way.” He often wondered if it would be better for him to move to another city, far away, and start over. He wondered if Marlena ever felt the same. The more he felt her pull away from him and their family and friends, the more he thought it was true. If given a choice, Marlena would probably leave. Roman watched John silently and felt for him. John looked defeated, like he’d lost his best friend in the world, which to Roman, meant something probably happened with Marlena. Marlena was the one woman in the world who could put a look of such despair and hopelessness on John’s face.
“John, do you want to talk about it?” Roman asked, gesturing to the line of empty shot glasses in front of John. He counted at least ten, and wondered how many more the waitress had already removed.
“There’s nothing to talk about, my friend,” John said, as he turned to face Roman.
“Did something happen with Marlena? Did you to have a fight?”
“I wish,” John laughed. Someone had put more money into the jukebox and an upbeat song was playing. John didn’t want upbeat; he wanted sad and depressing. He wanted Johnny Cash or Willie Nelson. He wanted the alcohol to quickly take effect and numb the pain and hopelessness he was feeling. Why wasn’t it working?
“Is Marlena still the same?” Roman asked, well aware of their marital difficulties.
“Unfortunately yes, I don’t know how to help her….I don’t know if I can help her…I don’t know if she wants to be helped Roman.” John was slowly becoming resigned that this was just the way that things were going to be. He was trying his hardest to reach out to her to make her feel loved and appreciated before she had amnesia and after, but the more he reached out, the more cold and distant she became.
“Did something happen?” Roman asked as he picked up his can of beer and took a sip, knowing that one of them needed to remain sober.
“No, just the usual. I can see that something is bothering her and when I ask her about it, she shuts down.” The bruises on her arms still bothered and concerned him immensely. If only he could figure out what she was trying so hard to hide.
“Is that why you’re here and not at home with her?” Roman asked as he watched John take his cell phone out of his pocket and made a call.
“She’s not at home right now anyway…we had a conversation and she left?” John said as he listened to the familiar voice of the automated cellular service informing him that the customer he was trying to reach wasn’t available. That was laughable, she hadn’t been ‘available’ for months. Where the hell was she?
“Where is she?” John noted the concern in Roman’s voice. The alcohol that slowly was invading his blood stream was starting to effect his thinking. Why did Roman want to know? Did he already know? What did he know?
Shaking off his thoughts, John responded. “Hell if I know. I asked her if she was going to go to the hospital to see the babies and she said no, end of story. She left in a hurry and like always, I seem to be the last to know where she’s going or what she’s thinking.” John grabbed a handful of peanuts from a basket on the bar and popped them into his mouth. He wasn’t in the mood for the psychoanalysis of his and Marlena’s marriage that Roman seemed to be pushing. “Roman, you probably know more about what the woman is thinking right now than I do.” John wasn’t in the mood to talk with Roman or anyone for that matter. He just wanted to have his drink and be left alone, company with his own thoughts.
“That doesn’t sound like her at all.” Roman wisely chose to ignore John’s last comment, not wanting to debate the sore issue with him.
“God,” John moaned as he put his head into his hands and leaned on the bar for support. “That’s the problem…Nothing that she does is like she used to be…And I’m getting tired of it.…I’m really contemplating having Mickey file the divorce papers for real…Maybe this is the universes’ way of telling us that we don’t belong together.” Roman had to strain to hear what John was saying, his voice muffled in his hands. Loud music continued playing in the background.
“I don’t believe that John. Both of you have fought too hard to stay together. Give her some more time, she’ll come around.”
John sat back up in the chair and looked at Roman, motioning for the bartender to bring him another shot of tequila. “And if she doesn’t? I can’t continue living with her the way she is Roman…It’s like living with a stranger. Emotionally she’s not available. Sure we make love and its good, but it’s not the same. It’s her but it’s not her…”
“What did you just say? You’ve already made love to her?” Roman interrupted, convinced that he didn’t understand what John said correctly.
“Several times…why?”
“John, didn’t the doctor tell you to wait at least until six weeks after the she had the babies to even attempt it…her body isn’t ready.” John may be on his way to getting seriously inebriated, but surely his judgement wasn’t impaired when he was sober.
“Oh I beg to differ my friend,” John said with a laugh, “Her body was more than ready.”
“John Black, I cannot believe that you didn’t wait and I can’t believe that Marlena let you,” Roman exclaimed as he playfully slapped his friend on the arm. John reeled back in play, faking that Roman had hurt him.
He quickly picked up the shot that the bartender sat in front of him and downed it. “Awww, that burns,” he said to Roman, becoming pensive once again. “Sometimes she’s almost too willing, I know too much information for you, and it seems that through physical intimacy she is deriving emotional intimacy…hell I don’t know, ignore me…I’m not a shrink.”
“I wonder why?” Roman said as he tried to push the image of Marlena and John making love out of his mind. Even though he didn’t romantically love Marlena and was not interested in her, a small part of him still found it painful to hear about their sexual relationship. Maybe it was due to the fact that since his marriage to her ended he had yet to find the same level of passion and undying love with another woman. Sure, there had been other women, Kate included, but it just wasn’t the same.
“Because I’m a fucking enabler Roman,” John said as he slammed the shot glass down onto the counter in anger. “For the life of me I can’t call her on her shit….A couple weeks ago she apologized to me for accusing me of raping her…instead of calling her on it and saying damn straight you should be apologizing to me and to a whole lot more people, I fucking tell her that she has nothing to be sorry for… I’m half of her fucking problem.”
“You love her,” Roman said quietly, glad that John was finally talking about the real issues instead of glossing them over as he had a tendency to do.
“But that doesn’t give her a free pass on how she’s been acting….I’m getting so tired of it…tiptoeing around her not wanting to upset her. That’s not how a marriage should be.”
“Give her time John…Don’t do something that you’ll regret.”
“I know what you’re saying pal, but sometimes she just makes it so damn hard.”
“If it makes you feel better, call her on her behavior then.”
“I can’t…I’ve tried and I can’t…I just look at her and become undone, unable to.”
“Is this different than before?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, could you talk to her and confront her about things before she lost her memory?”
“Now that I think about it, yes…but not at the same level as in the past.”
“I’m confused.”
“Sorry pal, I think the tequila is finally starting to kick in…about damn time,” John said with a laugh.
“Why not scotch?”
“I needed something different to take the edge off this time,” John revealed as he picked up another glass and quickly downed it.
“When is it going to stop Roman…if its not my past coming back to put a kink in my relationship with Doc its something else, now that something else is her past….is this gods way of saying that we aren’t destined to be together? Life shouldn’t be this hard.”
“I don’t know but I’m confident that you’re not going to find your answer in the bottom of a shot glass.”
John laughed, “I don’t care about answers right now…For once, I don’t want to feel anything.”
“Come on John.”
“No, I’m serious…. why the hell does someone keep paying money to listen really bad songs?” John asked as another bad 1980’s song played on the jukebox.
“Focus John,” Roman said, noticing that John was starting to slur his words.
“I’m not drunk Roman…. although I wish I was…I’d like nothing more to feel the numbness that alcohol provides…for once I think I’d like to stop thinking and feeling and just be…What the hell is wrong with her Roman? What happened to the amazing woman I married?”
“She’s there Roman, but for whatever reason she doesn’t seem to be herself.”
“But that’s not okay…its not okay Roman.”
“I know that, but what are you going to do?”
“Call Shane.”
“What?”
“You heard me…It’s time I got to the bottom of this…She’s my wife dammit. I love her and I’m gonna find out what the hell she’s been hiding from me.”
“And what do you think Shane is going to tell you?” Roman asked, hoping that he’d be able to convince John not to make this colossal mistake.
“I want to know all about Julie,” John said as he dialed Marlena’s cell phone number again. Once again he was told that the cellular customer he was trying to reach was not available. “I wanna know every little detail about her life before she came to Salem. I want to know all about her fucked up biological parents…I want to know how Alex North fits into all of this and why he’s obsessed with her…I want to know about my fucking wife and what she seems to think is soooooo fucking bad that she’d rather fucking shut me out of her life than tell me,” John said as he became angrier and angrier, finally slamming his cell phone down on the counter, knowing over an empty shot glass.
“Don’t do it John,” Roman warned him, knowing what John would find.
“It’s too fucking late…I should have fucking made the call to Shane when we were on the island months ago…I’m getting answers and I’m getting them tonight,” John said as he stood up, pulled his wallet out of his jeans and threw a hundred dollar bill on the counter.
“Keep the change…later Roman,” he said as he picked up his cell phone and put it in his pocket. Instead of numbing his pain, the alcohol provided him with some clarity for once. He was going to get his wife back.
Chapter 54
Marlena slowly walked along the Salem harbor with her destination in mind, gun in hand. The wind swirled viciously around her, but she was numb to its effects; coat unbuttoned, blond hair violently being lifted and blown about. With each step she took towards Pier 29, all the self-doubt and loathing she’d ever felt rose to the surface.
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“I hate you and wish that you’d never been born.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister.”
“Why do you have to be so difficult?”
Tears streamed down her face, instantly drying in the wind, leaving nothing but miniscule salt crystals as the only evidence that they had ever been there.
“You made me kill the dog Julie…if you had only done what I asked you to do, I wouldn’t have had to kill the dog.”
“If you’d behave and listen then I wouldn’t have to punish you.”
“You can’t be trusted.”
“I’m doing this because I’m your father…someone has to teach you.”
She stared absently in front of her, not aware of anyone or anything around her. The voices in her head crudely told her how unworthy and unlovable she really was. “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” she told herself over and over, trying to drown out the voices in her head. As a child, she’d walk along the lake and repeat the phrase over and over again hoping that if she’d reach a magical number, maybe it would come true.
“I’m just teaching you how to be a woman.”
“If only you weren’t so ugly.”
“If you had only done what I told you to do, I wouldn’t have had to punish your sister.”
“You’re stupid Julie…just plain stupid.”
What they said was true. Everything was her fault. It was her fault that child protective services and the police came to her house. It was her fault that her parents were arrested. It was her fault that her family was torn apart. She brought the horrors of foster care on herself and Samantha. It was her fault that they broke her arm and leg. What happened to Samantha was her fault. It was her fault that Samantha was dead. It was her fault that she was never good enough. The words didn’t just hurt, they were true.
“You’re the reason this family is a mess. If it hadn’t been for you, none of this would have happened.”
“You brought this on yourself Julie. This is all your fault.”
“Don’t you try to run away again…next time your punishment is going to be worse.”
“Don’t tell anyone Julie, they’ll know it’s your fault.”
She never told anyone really what happened and never would. Her dad was right, no one would understand and they’d all blame her. Every time she told the truth it just seemed to make things worse, for her and for her family. Better to lie than to tell the truth. They wouldn’t have done those things if they didn’t love her right?
“No one will ever love you…not once they know you.”
“If you tell, they’ll tear our family apart and it will be all your fault.”
“You belong to me…don’t you ever forget it.”
“It’s your fault your mother killed herself.”
As she reached her final destination, she stood on the edge of the dock, the toes of her designer shoes hanging an inch over the edge. As the wind whipped in gusts around her, she unconsciously fought to keep her balance. The dark abyss of the water below her called out to her like the Sirens of Greek mythology did to so many sailors.
“Look down and you will find happiness,” a voice called out to her. Marlena looked down into the water, but saw nothing. A feeling of uneasiness overcame her as she fought to understand why she was at the pier in the first place.
“Julie…Julie…Julie,” the water called out.
“No, I’m Marlena,” she whispered. “I’m Marlena.”
“Julie…Julie…Julie,” the water continued to beckon her.
“No, leave me alone,” Marlena pleaded, putting her hands over her ears trying to block out the sound.
“Julie.”
“No, you’re dead,” she whispered as the voice changed into her fathers. The hair on the back of her neck stood up eerily, her breathing becoming erratic. She felt a sickening tightening in her throat. She brought her hands to her neck, trying to stop the choking feeling. She was petrified, hands trembling as she grasped the gun.
“Julie,” the voice of her father said once again.
“Leave me alone,” she pleaded with the voice.
“Julie…Julie….Julie.”
“No…You’re dead,” she whispered as she looked around frantically, eyes wide open with terror, expecting to see him standing behind her. Raindrops slowly fell from the sky one by one. Faster and faster the drops fell from the sky, as the heavens opened and unleashed its wrath on earth. As darkness fell and the wind became bitterly cold, Marlena stood transfixed, unaware of the environmental changes around her.
The water swirled angrily as she saw the face of her biological father appear. The blueness of his eyes that haunted her in her dreams stared up at her through the water. She saw his lips moving as if he was trying to tell her something but she couldn’t hear him. After all this time, he still was the only one that had the power to hurt her, the only person she ever allowed close enough to her to hurt her.
She leaned closer to the water, trying to hear what he was trying to tell her. “What?” she asked him. “What do you want?” His lips continued to move but no sound could be heard. “WHAT?” she screamed at the vision. “WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME? WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” she continued screaming as she pointed her gun at the vision in the water.
“You’re dead…dead,” she said as she aimed at the vision, unlocked the firing pin block with one finger and fired into the water. The recoil from the gun sent Marlena moving back several feet. She quickly scrambled to the edge on the pier and peeked down at the water, fearful that he would still be there.
The vision in the water grew larger and angrier. Marlena felt as if she were six years old again as she hid her eyes behind her hands. She stood quietly hoping that he wouldn’t notice that she was there. She felt like Persephone, wondering if Hades was going to suck her into the underworld never to release her again. If she fell in would Demeter save her?
“JULIE,” the voice angrily yelled. The echo of the voice resonated in her ears. Her chest further tightened, bile rising in her throat. He was all around her and moving closer. She felt his hands on her body, his caresses not the comfort she so desperately wanted and needed. She blindly waved the gun around trying to find her father, ready to shoot. As she felt hands caressing her breasts she was unable to hold down the sickness she felt. Her stomach muscles contracted violently as she vomited on the pier, the rain quickly washing away the evidence. Wiping her mouth with her hand, she brought the gun up and fired over and over again.
“Why daddy why?” she screamed at the water.
“Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why did you do those things to me?”
“Why didn’t you ever love me,” Marlena sobbed as she fell to her knees, gun still clutched in her hands.
“All I ever wanted was for once to hear you say that you loved me…why couldn’t you do that,” she pleaded as she frantically wiped the tears from her eyes. “WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME?” she screamed.
“Marlena, I love you,” John whispered, his heart breaking at his wife’s admission. All these years, she had been carrying this burden, unable to share it with anyone. Under the demeanor of the cool, intelligent, articulate professional lay a very damaged child.
Marlena turned towards the sound of John’s voice, her mouth open in surprise. Was he her Demeter? Could he save her from the grasp of Hades? She continued kneeling transfixed, unable to move. Her hazel eyes watched anxiously as John slowly moved closer to her. He smiled softly at her, compassion in his eyes, as he reached out to touch her.
She saw the picture he was holding in his hands. She scrambled backwards, trying to put distance between her and the picture. He knew. “Get away from me, I don’t want you to see me like this John…please, remember me for how I was…I never wanted you to know.” She couldn’t look at him, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes. She felt so worthless and useless. She readjusted her grip on the gun, pointing the barrel towards her chest.
“I love you Marlena,” John said once again, watching in agony, calculating how he was going to get the gun away from her. He followed her eyes and saw that she was staring at the picture in his hands. Her father. So many things confused him still, yet everything was starting to make sense.
Marlena’s finger on the trigger shook as she continued staring at the picture. The face on the picture morphed back and forth between her father and John.
“Marlena, you are good enough, you always have been,” John said as he knelt down in front of her, dropping the faxed picture to the ground. He knew that she knew. There was no reason to still have the picture.
“Please John…I don’t want you to see me like this… remember me for who I was.” She slowly picked the picture off the ground with her free hand and grasped it tightly to her chest. “I’m so sorry Daddy,” she cried out as she started to sob.
She brought the picture up to her lips and kissed the blurred rain soaked image. “I’m sorry daddy that I was never good enough…I’m sorry John…I’m sorry…you’ll always be my forever love,” she said as she looked him in the eyes and pulled the trigger.
Chapter 55
John watched in agony and horror as the love of his life pointed the sleek barrel of the gun at her chest. As much as he tried not to think about what could and most likely would happen, his police and ISA training wouldn’t allow him the freedom to ignore the caliber of the gun, the range and the velocity the bullet would travel as it cut through the skin of her chest, through muscle and bone as it reached its final destination.
“Please John…I don’t want you to see me like this… remember me for who I was.” She slowly picked the picture off the ground with her free hand and grasped it tightly to her chest. “I’m so sorry Daddy,” she cried out as she started to sob. John was acutely aware of the pumping of his heart as blood collected in the upper chambers and moved to the lower chambers over and over again, each time his brain inadvertently sending signals to pump faster and faster. As his heart raced, his breathing increased. The terror he felt was like nothing he’d ever experienced before, even in Aremid when he was strapped to the chair awaiting death. Then he knew that life would still go on even if he wasn’t physically present. This wasn’t the case, death, Marlena’s death, would end everything. She was everything to him.
In that moment between when Marlena picked up the gun and pointed it at her chest and pulled the trigger, John saw all that was possible, all that was worth living for. The devastation that he would never see her again, never hold her, never tell her that he loved her, never hear her say that she loved him, never make love to her, never kiss her, never hear her infectious laugh, never wake up with her in the morning, never see her hold their children, never gaze upon her mouth as she smiled, never hold her hand, never look into her eyes and see his future was too much.
She brought the picture up to her lips and kissed the blurred rain soaked image. “I’m sorry daddy that I was never good enough…I’m sorry John…I’m sorry…you’ll always be my forever love,” she said as she looked him in the eyes and pulled the trigger.
“Marlena,” John screamed, as time seemed to stand still. The rapid beating of his heart in his chest as adrenaline rushed through his veins propelled him towards her. She fell backwards as he landed on top of her, grabbing onto the gun. As he grabbed the gun he knew that a life without her wasn’t worthwhile. As dysfunctional as she was, as he was, as they were, she completed him like no other. He needed her. It was as simple as that.
“In te credo, in te spero, te amo, te adoro , beata Trinitas unus Deus, miserere mei nunc et in hora mortis meae et salva me. Amen,” John prayed as he took the gun out of her hand and placed it to the temple of his head. Without regret he started to pull the trigger.
In the nanoseconds that followed, John dropped the gun, realizing that when Marlena had pulled the trigger, the gun hadn’t fired. He hadn’t heard the loud sound that a gun makes when the firing pin strikes the explosive charge on the back of the bullet. What he heard was the sound of the firing pin being discharged and nothing more. Holy fucking shit, she was alive.
Kicking the gun to the side of the pier, John concentrated on the woman lying beneath him. John raised himself on his arms off of her torso; their legs still intertwined.
“Doc,” he said looking down at her tear stained face. She was trembling beneath him, eyes closed.
“Doc…Doc…Doc,” John said as he took her beautiful face in his hands and kissed her all over. In the instant that his lips touched the smooth rain soaked skin of her forehead all the possibilities that the future held for them were once again possible. All the things that he feared never again experiencing were within his reach; gently caressing her body underneath the star filled sky, walking hand in hand in the pouring rain, seeing her eyes light up at something funny when she thought no one was looking, watching her answer all the questions correctly when they watched Jeopardy together, holding her in his arms as she cried at a sad scene in a movie, her inability to tell a joke without forgetting the ending, the unquestionable love and compassion she showed towards others, her infectious laugh and most of all the unconditional love John felt from her. Everything that made her Marlena.
“Thank you God,” John said loudly as he looked up at the heavens, rain dripping down and off of his face. “Thank you.”
Looking down at the tortured face of the woman who was everything to him, he brushed the rain off of her face and out of her eyes. “Marlena,” he said tenderly as he laid back down on her body and gathered her in his arms. The sound of police sirens could be heard in the distance.
“I want to die…let me die,” she whispered. The pain she felt was unbearable. She was barely cognizant of her surroundings; the only thought running through her head was why was she still alive.
“No,” John cried into her hair as he held her. “No.” He couldn’t believe that she, that they, had been given another chance and yet here she was, still wanting to die. John was at a loss as how to help her. “I need you Marlena.”
“Nooooooo,” Marlena continued to cry as she struggled in John’s arms. She didn’t want to be held, she didn’t want to feel human contact, she wanted to be alone. She wanted die.
“Marlena…honey,” John said as she took her face in his hands once again and kissed her on the lips. They were cold to the touch, so unlike the warm lips of his lover.
As she laid beneath John’s body, Marlena felt the steady thump of his heart against her chest. She wished he could draw strength from her, from her death. She willed her system to shut down; hoping that if she concentrated hard enough and wanted it bad enough she could will her heart to stop. She needed for her heart to stop hurting, stop breaking, and stop beating.
She opened her eyes, wanting one last glimpse at John and the sky above him. It didn’t matter that it was raining, she wanted a glimpse of heaven. John stared into the depths of her hazel eyes, trying to connect with her.
In the instant that he looked in her eyes he saw his past, present and future. Marlena, as hard as she tried to deny it was happening saw her past, present and future in John’s eyes. She quickly shut her eyes, not wanting to see all the possibilities. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. She was supposed to be dead.
“Marlena…Julie…my love,” John said to her tenderly. “Whoever you were, whatever happened in the past doesn’t change my love for you. I love you more right now than I have ever loved you before.” He needed for her to know how much she was loved and needed.
“Nooo,” Marlena cried out as she started sobbing. John felt her trying to pull away from him. The weight of his body and their wet clothes made any movement on her part almost impossible.
“Talk to me….tell me what you’re feeling,” John said, trying to engage her.
“I want to die,” she repeated again as she struggled beneath him. She felt like she was suffocating beneath him as she gasped for air. She struggled to bring her hands up to her chest to put some space between her and John, but John’s forearms were in the way. She wanted to die, but wanted death to visit in a relatively painless way. Suffocation and drowning were the worst possible ways to die in her mind.
“That’s not going to happen,” John said as he moved off of her, recognizing from the sound of her breathing that she was having a panic attack. Not wanting to give her the space to run away, he sat up and gathered her frail frame in his arms. She willingly went into his arms, placing her head against his chest; her rain soaked hair partially covering her face. Through the numbness she felt in her soul, she felt safe in John’s arms.
John rocked her back and forth in his arms, not knowing what to say that would make it better.
“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me…I don’t want or need your sympathy…I just want it end,” Marlena said softly.
John continued to rock her not sure of what to say. “Why?”
“Why?” Marlena repeated. The million dollar question. How do you explain something to someone that you don’t even understand yourself? Still, she felt a need to explain herself to John. “I just want it to end…I’m tired of feeling this way.”
“I want to understand…I want to help you,” John whispered as he kissed the top of her hair. Didn’t she know that she was everything to him?
“You can’t understand John, you can’t.”
“Let me try…please.”
“All my life I wanted something else, I wanted to be something else…that’s never going to happen.”
“Tell me about it, please,” John said into her hair, as his lips gently rested on her head. He continued placing small kisses along her hairline, needing to feel close to her. After more than a year of confusion, he finally felt that he was getting somewhere with her. After he left Roman at the bar, he called Shane Donovan and demanded answers. Most of the records dealing with Marlena and her past were sealed by the juvenile courts and inaccessible to the ISA. However, what little information Shane could provide gave him a greater understanding of what exactly he was dealing with.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Please Marlena…I want to understand how you’re feeling.”
“You can’t…I know you want to and I appreciate it…You can’t understand because you’re not me…no one understands what it is to be me…the only person in this world that understands is Sam and she’s dead…she’s dead…the only person that can help me make sense of all this can’t,” Marlena said as she started sobbing. John felt sick to his stomach for causing her more pain.
“I know that you want to help me and that by talking with me about it, you’ll somehow help,” Marlena started as she wiped the tears and hair out of her eyes, “but the truth is you can’t…You don’t understand and can’t understand and I’m thankful that you can’t…I’m thankful for your sake that you don’t see what I do when I close my eyes at night.” She closed her eyes and leaned further into his chest, deriving comfort from just being in his presence. Maybe he could be strong enough for both of them.
“Do you believe that I love you?” He asked, needing to really know the truth. When she didn’t respond right away he started to panic. “Marlena, I love you.”
“I know,” she finally whispered. “It’s just that sometimes I don’t feel lovable.” This was so hard, yet at the same time liberating. It was good to be finally sharing some of what she felt with someone else. She’d spent so many years perfecting the art of hiding what she was feeling, even denying her feelings.
“You are so loved…you are…I love you…Belle loves you…Sami loves you…Eric loves you…Carrie loves you and I’m most certain that Rachel and Noah love you.” At the mention of her children’s names Marlena broke down once again. She had almost selfishly deprived them of their mother. Rachel and Noah would have grown up without ever knowing her or John. How could she have almost done that?
“What’s wrong with me?” she whispered. “What’s wrong with me?” she said a little louder. “What’s wrong with me,” she screamed to the heavens.
“You’re sick and need help Marlena…please let me get you that help.”
“I’m scared John.”
“Don’t be.”
“Will you be there to catch me if I fall?”
“Always my love, always.”
Chapter 56a
“Will you be there to catch me if I fall?” Marlena asked John as she looked up at him, hope in her eyes. Could she trust him? Did she dare trust him? She waited for his answer apprehensively.
“Always my love, always,” John answered with all the promise in the world as he hugged her tighter and kissed her gently on the top of her head. Deciding to take a chance, even if it meant that she might get hurt, Marlena really opened her heart and mind to John for the first time. In the moment that she decided to trust him, she felt a sense of peace for the first time in years.
“I believe you,” she whispered, tears slowly running down her cheeks, as she raised her lips to his and gently kissed him. She felt so free, so liberated, so happy. Just wanting to enjoy the moment, she kissed him again. She felt the corners of John’s mouth move up as he smiled at her in the kiss.
“God, do I love you,” John said as he tenderly kissed her again. He broke off from the kiss and looked deep into her hazel eyes, seeing the fire once again. Marlena was back. In the moment that he gazed into her eyes it was as if he had turned back the clock twenty years. Everything that had drawn him to her in the first place was there; the spark, the passion, the intensity, the love, the life. She was his soulmate and had finally come home. “I love you MB,” he moaned as his kiss quickly turned from gentle to passionate.
As Marlena returned his kiss with equal if not greater passion, she gave into the moment and just let it happen. There was no analysis, no second guessing, no holding back. She let it be. For everything that she was, it was enough for him. She didn’t have to be more, she could just be. He was her soulmate, her savior, her lover and best friend. Whatever happened, they would face it together.
“Freeze,” the Salem Police Department rookie screamed out as he came around the corner and saw two lovers embracing, a gun by their side. John looked up, annoyed as hell, that this critical moment with Marlena was broken by some idiot. “Both of you put your hands where I can see them,” he ordered, his hands shaking as he pointed his gun at them.
“John,” Roman said in surprise as he rushed around the corner and saw who Officer Simmons was pointing his gun at. When the report came into the station that shots were fired down at the pier, Roman suspected that the ongoing turf war between two rival gangs had escalated. Never did he imagine that the culprits would be John and/or Marlena. He was embarrassed to find them in this situation. They looked more like two lovers making out than reckless citizens randomly firing a gun.
“Roman…please tell your officer to stop pointing that gun at me,” John said through clenched teeth. He felt Marlena shivering in his arms and recognized the need to get her out of the cold. The rain continued to fall around them.
Roman looked at the rookie and then at John and Marlena, calculating how he was going to handle this situation.
“Commander Brady…the gun is behind them towards the water….what would you like me to do?” Officer Simmons asked his boss nervously. This was his first shots fired call and he wanted to make sure that he did everything by the book so that he would impress his boss, never imagining that Commander Brady would be right in front of him. John stared at both of them, trying to shelter Marlena in his arms.
Roman shook his head, knowing that as Police Commander he couldn’t ignore the fact that they had a gun and that one of them had most likely fired it multiple times. A police report would have to be filed.
“What’s going on?” Bo Brady asked as he quickly turned the corner and skidded on the wet pavement. “Oh.” He saw Marlena huddled in John’s arms, face buried in his chest. John rolled his eyes, annoyed that he had yet another person to deal with. Why couldn’t the fates somehow give him a break?
“Please put down the gun Officer Simmons,” Roman asked gently, taking control of the situation. “I know both of these individuals and neither is a threat.” He watched as Officer Simmons put down his gun and placed it back in his holster.
“Why don’t you go back to car squad car and get your kit,” Roman suggested to the rookie, trying to buy some time for John and Marlena and for himself. Bo glanced sideways at Roman, a look of concern in his eyes. Both of them had complicated relationships with John and Marlena and it was a conflict of interest for either one to question them or investigate what had happened.
“Marlena,” John whispered to her lovingly. “Are you alright?”
“No,” she whispered back as she shook her head, her body trembling. John wasn’t sure it she was shivering from the cold or from fear. “I don’t want anyone to see me like this.” She was afraid of Roman’s reaction knowing that he would be devastated and disappointed to hear that she had tried to commit suicide and that John was willing to follow her.
“Let me talk with Roman and I’m sure that everything will be fine,” John said as he gently stroked the side of her face while he watched Roman and Bo. They seemed to be engaged in a rather animated discussion.
“No, John…No…Roman’s going to know…he’s going to lock me up in a psychiatric facility… I can’t go there….I can’t.” Marlena started to panic is John’s arms. John felt the increase in her heart rate and breathing. She wasn’t quite gasping for air yet, but unless he calmed her down soon, she would be.
“Honey, you don’t know that?” he said tenderly as he tilted her head back and kissed her on the lips.
Marlena pulled out of the kiss and sat up his lap and looked at him. “John, I’m a psychiatrist…by law he can order a 72 hour involuntary hold on me…discharging a gun in public is enough.”
“Roman wouldn’t do that,” John said, shaking his head.
“Roman wouldn’t do what?” Roman asked as he approached them and knelt down in front of them, taking off his raincoat and placing it over Marlena to try to block out some of the rain. As he placed the coat over her he was immediately struck by how thin she was. She looked emaciated and he wondered if she was sick.
“Nothing,” John said as he pulled the coat tight around Marlena.
“I need to know what happened here tonight?” Roman asked his friends.
“Nothing happened…everything is fine…we’re just wet and cold,” John answered quickly, not giving Marlena the opportunity to answer a question. He was afraid that in her state she would either break down and Roman would know that something was wrong or she would blurt out the truth.
“John, I see the gun behind you…I need to know who fired it and why?” Roman saw Officer Simmons return with his case in hand and approach Bo. Bo was trying to shield the water from his face using his clipboard.
“Why does it matter? We’re both fine,” John stated matter of factly as he watched Bo and the rookie officer.
“One of you broke the law…look at the buildings around here…. there has got to be several thousands of dollars in damage, broken windows, broken lights. This wasn’t nothing.”
“So, I’ll pay for it.”
“Marlena,” Roman asked her tenderly. She was non-responsive, trying to make herself smaller in John’s arms, trying to disappear.
“Marlena…I need to know what happened?” Marlena shook her head no and started crying. John stared at Roman and let him know that he wasn’t happy that he had made Marlena cry.
John watched as Officer Simmons picked up the gun and called in the serial number in over the radio.
“It’s my gun,” John said, valiantly trying to focus the investigation on him. Marlena had a professional career and reputation to uphold. With John it was different. He was the pawn, former employee of Stefano. Discharging a gun in public wouldn’t raise any eyebrows; it was expected.
“Commander Brady,” Officer Simmons called out tentatively to Roman. He knew from talking with Bo that the woman in front of him was Commander Brady’s ex-wife. He assumed the man was her current husband or boyfriend. It was hard to tell since she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring but he was.
“What?” Roman asked in annoyance.
“Could I speak with you for a minute?…Over here.”
“Sure, what is it?” Roman asked as he approached the rookie officer.
“The gun isn’t registered to John Black…it belongs to a Frank Evans from Denver Colorado.’
“And?” Roman asked. Although Frank was Marlena’s father and it made sense for her to have his gun, he was still curious as to why she had it and why he’d never seen the gun before.
“He reported it stolen some 35 years ago…I’ve asked the Denver PD to fax me a copy of the report that was filed.” Roman was trying to process what this meant. Marlena obviously stole the gun from her father, but why?
“Okay…good job Simmons,” Roman said as he patted him on the shoulder and turned back towards John and Marlena. John had been intently listening to their conversation. Roman recognized the confusion in John’s eyes about Marlena and the gun.
“Commander Brady, there’s something else you should know.”
Roman turned around in annoyance, “What?”
“Denver PD say that the gun was used to commit three murders back in 1970…all unsolved.”
Chapter 56b
“Denver PD say that the gun was used to commit three murders back in 1970…all unsolved.” Roman stepped a few feet back in shock at this admission and felt that his world was about to drop out from beneath him. What the hell was his ex-wife doing with a gun used to commit three murders that she’d obviously stolen from her father?
John felt sick to his stomach. He looked down at Marlena, stunned. He felt her start to shake as she started to sob. She was gasping for air, desperate to catch her breath.
“Call it in,” Roman said as he turned to face Marlena. He was a cop first.
“We need to talk Marlena,” Roman said as he knelt down in front of her. He cared for her deeply and hated the fact that he was going to be the one that would have to bring up horrible memories for her. At least John was by her side. “Let’s go to the car where it’s dry.”
Marlena was still gasping for air as she shook her head, knowing that it was inevitable. She knew the rules.
Roman helped Marlena stand up and was amazed at how she looked. She looked like shit. The last time he saw her look this bad was when he found her after her suicide attempt. As John got up off the ground and stretched out his body, Marlena immediately grabbed onto his arm. John supported her soaking wet frail frame as they slowly walked to the police car.
“What happened?” Roman asked Marlena once they were safely in the police car, John sitting next to her. Roman knew that he was about to compromise the whole police investigation and could lose his job over what he was about to do, but didn’t care. John and Marlena mattered more to him than his job. He needed to understand what had happened and that they were both okay. So many confusing thoughts and questions ran through his head. The gun and the murders were nagging him, but he first needed to find out what happened on the pier tonight.
“Nothing happened…I fired the gun,” John lied, as he put his arm around Marlena. He watched as Roman adjusted the temperature dials in the standard issue Crown Victoria. The windows of the car quickly fogged up, affording them privacy no one intended.
“Bullshit John…I can see it all over Marlena’s face…I want her to look me in the eyes and tell me that you fired it.” He waited several minutes for her to admit that John fired the gun. “You can’t can you…because you fired the gun Marlena…The fact that the gun is stolen and used in three unsolved murders is a whole other matter that I won’t touch because of conflict of interest, but I need to know that you’re okay Marlena.”
Marlena sat in the police car, head hung down, unable to look at Roman. She reached for John’s hand next to her and grasped it for support. John slowly rubbed circles on her thumb. She was numb, so many confusing thoughts and emotions swirling around in circles in her head. Where did the lies end and the truth begin? Where did the truth end and the lies begin?
“I did it Roman…I did it,” she said softly. Roman had to strain to hear her. She couldn’t let John take the blame for something that she did. She loved him too much.
“Why Marlena?”
She looked up at him, knowing that she couldn’t lie. After everything that they had been through together as a couple, as lovers, as friends, he deserved to know the truth. “I thought I saw HIM and I wanted HIM to go away and leave me alone.” She said looking up at Roman. The dome light of the car cast an eerie shadow over her hazel eyes, her eyes bloodshot from crying, cheeks sunken in. She looked haunted.
Roman immediately knew who she was talking about. Did this mean that she finally told John the truth about her past? He was confused as to what her admission meant, but needed to know what and why she fired at the building. A rational person didn’t do that. “So you fired at a building?”
“I don’t know Roman…I just fired at where he was…I’m sorry, I know that I shouldn’t have done it.” The desperation in her eyes and voice was evident; she no longer had the energy or strength to mask her fragility.
“Mar, are you okay?” Roman asked with concern.
“No,” she admitted as she grabbed onto John’s hand and leaned into him for support. “No, I’m not okay Roman, but you already know that…you’re going to do a hold on me aren’t you?”
Roman closed his eyes. He didn’t want to be having this conversation with her right now. “I don’t know Mar…I don’t know.” He honestly had no idea what he was going to do. As a police officer he knew what he should do, but as her friend his heart was telling him something else.
“Roman, I can get her the help she needs…Don’t send her to an institution…you’re going to make her worse.” John would do what ever it took to keep Marlena out of an institution, even if it meant taking the law into his own hands.
“Did either of you fire that gun at each other?” Roman asked, not really wanting to know, but needing to know. Was he dealing with a domestic violence situation? Were they a danger to each other?
“No,” they both answered in unison as they looked at each other. Roman saw the look that passed between them, a look of two lovers hiding a secret that the rest of the world wasn’t privy to.
“John, there’s going to be an investigation, you know that…Did you both fire the gun or handle the gun?” John knew that they would test the gun for fingerprints, especially in light of the fact that it was stolen. They would also most likely test the skin on both of their hands to see if there was any trace of gunshot residue on it.
“I did it Roman…It was me…I fired the gun…John didn’t, he just took it away from me,” Marlena said in desperation, not wanting John to be caught up in her web of deceit and nightmares. She was born into and tried to end the nightmare, John was innocent.
Roman looked at her, not entirely convinced that she was telling the truth. “Why did you stop firing?” Roman didn’t know that the gun was empty.
“I didn’t,” Marlena admitted as a lone tear ran down her cheek. She wanted Roman to understand, needed for him to understand. Although John was her lover and soulmate, Roman also had a place on this strange journey. “I didn’t…the gun did.” Roman saw the look in her eyes and he knew.
“Oh god Doc,” Roman said as he reached over the seat and grabbed one of her hands for support. John slowly rubbed her back, proud of her for admitting what she had tried to do. It was one step on the way to healing.
“I just wanted it to end,” she said, her head hung low. She was emotionally spent, unable to cry.
“How do you feel now?” he asked as he looked back and forth between John and Marlena, trying to get a gauge on what was really happening.
“Better, I have John by my side…I feel better,” Marlena whispered.
“Mar, I need to ask you about the gun.” Why did it always come back to the gun? If she’d have known that she wouldn’t have been successful in her attempt she wouldn’t have used that gun.
“Don’t,” Marlena said as she put her hands up, as if in an attempt to stop the line of questioning.
“Mar, I need to know…the call has been placed to Denver…”
Marlena’s face turned ashen. She knew by his look what he was inferring. He knew too much about her past, knowing that all it would take would be a couple of phone calls to the ISA, the FBI and a judge in the middle of the night to have all her juvenile court records unsealed. She felt the bile rise in her throat and started to panic. Death would have been a welcome reprieve.
“I’ve got to get out of here.” Marlena started to panic and reached for the door handle. She needed to get out of the car, away from Roman and John, away from Salem. Forgetting that the car was primarily used to transport criminals and suspects, door protection locks had been installed, and the door couldn’t open from the inside. “Let me out,” Marlena said, her voice demanding and full of fear, as she struggled with the door handle.
“Marlena,” John said as he pulled her body physically back and tried to hold her in his arms.
“No,” she cried out as she struggled against him. “Noooooo… I need to get out of here.”
“Doc,” John said as he continued his hold on her, tightening his grip. Roman watched helplessly from the front seat, wanting to help his friends, but knowing that he couldn’t. Marlena was in a mess that even John and the ISA couldn’t get her out of.
“Marlena STOP,” Roman finally yelled. “Stop.” The sound of his voice was deafening in the small confines of the sedan. Marlena stopped struggling and looked up at him. Except for the hum of the heater, the car was eerily silent as the three occupants looked back and forth at each other.
“This isn’t going to help…running will not help…In a couple hours, if we even have that much time, I assume there will be a warrant issued for your arrest.” Couldn’t they see that this was a serious situation and that they’d be running forever?
“Marlena, don’t say anything,” John warned her. “Remember, Roman is a cop, anything you tell him can be used against you.” John looked at Roman suspiciously, wondering where he was going to finally draw the line between cop and friend.
“John, that’s bullshit…I haven’t read her her Miranda rights and I sure as hell…” Roman started to say as he tried to gather his thoughts. “Look…I’m just trying to understand as her friend.”
“I’ll wire 5 million dollars into your account within 20 minutes if you let us both go and forget about this whole conversation,” John offered as he calculated the amount of time it would take to have his pilot fuel the jet and take them to an unknown destination.
“I’m a police officer,” Roman said incredulously, amazed that John would even contemplate bribing him.
“And Marlena is the love of my life who is not going to jail, not ever again…Look at her Roman, remember what happened last time she was arrested when everyone thought she was the Salem serial killer? Remember that?” John asked as memories of Marlena in jail came to the forefront of his mind: the desperation, the terror, and the fight in prison when she was injured, her being shot on the roof. “She can’t go through that again. I can’t go through that again…you’re either with us in protecting her or against us.”
Roman looked back and forth between Marlena and John, hoping for some guidance. His heart was telling him to let them both go and deal with the consequences later, but his mind was telling him that this had to stop here and now; Marlena could not continue to run. His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone.
“Brady,” he said into it. John and Marlena listened intently from the backseat.
“Commissioner, what can I do for you?” Roman asked. John and Marlena watched as his face quickly changed from neutral to concerned. “Are you sure?… Okay… Okay… Okay…I see….I’ll meet you at the station.” Roman shut the small phone and threw it down on the seat next to him in anger. “Goddammit,” he yelled as he rested his head on the steering wheel, breathing in deeply.
“Roman, what is it?” John finally asked after several minutes of silence.
“Judge Beck just signed an arrest warrant for Marlena…the paperwork from Denver just came in.”
No,” Marlena said quietly. “I can’t go to jail…I can’t do it again…please Roman.” Roman looked at her helplessly. She was devastated.
“Then I do a 72 hour hold on you in the hospital to buy you time,” Roman offered. “Letting you escape is not an option.”
“What happens after 72 hours?” John asked, trying to calculate his strategy.
“The psychiatrist on staff will examine me and determine my sanity, safety and ability to make decisions for myself. If I am declared competent, I go to jail and await my hearing. If there’s reason to question my sanity I’ll be transported to Bayview for treatment,” Marlena said matter of factly. She unfortunately knew the system to well.
“No, I won’t allow you to go there,” John said.
“We don’t have any other options John,” Marlena said as she contemplated her options. She didn’t want to go to either place, but accepted the fact that it was one or the other. She would kill herself before she went to jail.
“No,” John said shaking his head. It wasn’t going to happen, there had to be another way that they hadn’t thought of.
“John, there’s no other choice…we need to do this for Marlena,” Roman tried to reason with him. “I don’t have a choice… Bo and Officer Simons have probably been informed as has the rest of the Salem PD.”
“Take me to the hospital…please, don’t take me to jail…please…I’m begging you.”
“You’re not crazy Marlena…How is Roman going to pull that one off?”
“I file as report as to Marlena firing a gun in a public place and her suicide attempt.”
“No,” John yelled. “No…you find some other excuse…my wife had been through enough…she does not need to go through the ordeal of the rest of the town finding out.”
Marlena sat quietly in the back seat, eyes closed. How was she going to get out of this one? Her whole life she’d been running. Running from her past, running from her present and running from her future. Maybe it was time to stop running and take responsibility for what she’d done.
“John,” she said as she opened her eyes and looked at him.
“Yes.” He was alarmed by the change in her demeanor. She was too calm about all this.
She took his face in her hands and rubbed her thumbs slowly along his jaw line. He patiently waited for her to say something, do something. “Will you stand beside me, no matter what happens?”
“Of course,” John cried out as he grabbed her face is his hands and did the same. How could she still have doubts about his commitment to her after all they’d been through? “Always.”
“Promise?”
“On my heart.”
“I need to go to the hospital now…I need to 72 hours to figure out how I’m going to get out of this mess.”
“Marlena, no… Think about your professional reputation…This will end your career. No one wants a crazy shrink.”
“John…this is my life we’re talking about here, our life…screw my professional reputation.”
“Doc, just let him take you to the station. You can explain why you have the stolen gun and they’ll let you go…Everyone knows that you weren’t involved in those murders.” John looked at her with hope, disbelief that the truth would be anything but.
“John, Roman,” Marlena said as she looked back and forth between the men. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to gather the strength to talk about something she thought she’d never have to deal with, at least with John and Roman.
“I need your help, I can’t do this alone…I can’t,” she said with her eyes clenched shut.
“Whatever you need Doc,” Roman said.
“I’d do anything for you…you know that sweetheart,” John said tenderly as he brushed her drying hair out of her eyes. He desperately wished that she’d open her eyes so that he could really gauge what was going on inside of her. Her secrecy and silence was frightening him.
Marlena slowly opened her eyes and looked into John’s. She wanted to see the love, the life and hope in him. She wanted to see the promise that they held for the future. She knew after she told him the truth that they would forever change, he would change. Marlena wanted to believe that he didn’t lie when he said that he would stand by her. Now was the time to trust him. “I did it… I killed them.”
Chapter 57a
The moments following Marlena’s admission of guilt in three unsolved murders were surreal. Roman immediately told her not to say another thing to him or to anyone else until she spoke with an attorney. John stared at her dumbfounded, unable to find his voice. Marlena felt a strange sense of liberation but at the same time was terrified that they both had lied to her and that they wouldn’t stand by her as promised. No one quite knew what to say.
“I did it… I killed them.” Marlena’s words echoed through John’s head over and over. He couldn’t forget the look on her face when she finally admitted the truth. “I did it…I killed them.” As much as he didn’t want to believe her, he knew that she was telling the truth. Still, his mind was incapable of grasping the implications of what she had said and what that meant. “I did it…I killed them.” How could the one woman he knew better than he knew himself keep that kind of secret for more than 35 years? “I did it…I killed them.” How? Where? Why? Who? What could he say to her? I’m sorry that you killed someone, care to tell me why? There was nothing that could be said to make this situation better.
As the three occupants of the sedan rode in silence to Salem University Hospital, Marlena watched as long familiar buildings passed by, trying to commit the little details to memory. The burly man who stood on the corner and sold newspapers, the abandoned lot at Mills and Main that was rumored to be haunted, the gas station where she occasionally bought lottery tickets but never told John because he would laugh at her, the apartment building that she lived in when she first moved to Salem. So many memories lined the route. Would this be the last time that she’d ever ride this route again? As the car turned the corner and passed by Salem Place Marlena smiled and thought about all the memories that had been made there, all the cups of coffee she’d shared with Roman and John there over the years. She saw her favorite clothing store, the old bookstore, the flower shop and John’s favorite jewelry store. John. She looked over at him, trying to gauge how he was feeling. His face held a neutral expression that she recognized well. He was shutting down and becoming detached to the situation surrounding him. She of all people would know the signs, having done that so many times herself over the years.
“I did it…I killed them.” John just couldn’t get her statement out of his mind. There had to be some mistake, there just had to be. Marlena wouldn’t kill anyone, would she? “I did it…I killed them.”
Roman numbly drove the car to the hospital; thankful that he had driven the route so many times over the years that he could do it without much thought. He couldn’t get over Marlena’s confession and wished in a way that she could take it back. “I did it…I killed them.” How could he have not known that was what she was hiding? He’d seen the ISA files on Marlena. He’d seen the files on her parents and the others involved in her case. “I did it…I killed them.” He knew the outcome, just not the who, the when and the how. It all made perfect sense in a way, the murders explained everything. All the missing pieces that never seemed to add up in Marlena’s past; the mysterious trips that she used to take early in their marriage, the abject secrecy she seemed to live under, her strained relationship with the Evans’, the suicide attempts, her overwhelming propensity to run. On the outside she was the picture of perfection, what every girl wanted to grow up and be like. On the inside she was anything but; a damaged little girl who wanted to grow up and be someone else. “I did it…I killed them.” How the hell was he going to get her out of this?
As the car approached the garage of the hospital, John was thankful that Roman hadn’t chosen the emergency entrance. He needed the few extra minutes and the privacy the garage afforded to really talk to Marlena. Once they entered the hospital, John knew true privacy between them would be non-existent. As much as he wanted to take her into his arms and reassure her that everything would be all right, he couldn’t find the words to make things right. After everything that they had been through together over the years, Marlena deserved happiness, she deserved to know that she was loved, she deserved a chance at pure emotional freedom. He was heartbroken that he couldn’t provide her with that, that he couldn’t and wouldn’t be the one to save her.
As the car came to a stop in the corner of the garage, Roman turned off the engine.
“Thank you Roman,” Marlena said softly. Roman looked at her in the rearview mirror not knowing what to say. What was there to say? She was either going to go to a mental institution or to jail. Nothing he could say would change that fact and it tore him up inside with a feeling of helplessness.
“Roman, could you give Marlena and I a few minutes alone before you take her in?” John asked.
Roman looked at John in the rearview mirror and nodded. “You have five minutes tops, maybe less,” Roman said as he opened the car door and stepped out, grabbing his cell phone. If he could get a hold of Bo, he might be able to buy them some more time.
“Doc,” John said as he turned in the car and faced her. “Please look at me.”
Marlena turned and made eye contact with him. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh god Doc,” John said as he took Marlena into his arms and held her close. “I’m the one that’s sorry…I’m the one that should be sorry… You’ve been carrying this horrible secret around unable to tell anyone…God, what that must have been doing to you.”
“I’m okay…I’ll be okay,” Marlena whispered as she rested her head on his shoulder.
“How can you say that? How can you act like things are fine?” John said as he pulled out of the hug and really looked at her. Maybe she was really mentally ill. How could she seriously be sitting in front of him acting like this was no big deal? She was going to be okay? He didn’t think so. “This is your life, this is our life, this is our children’s lives here….things aren’t fine, please don’t say that they are,” John pleaded with her softly as he slowly touched her face, trying to commit every line, every contour to memory.
“John, I have to believe that things are going to be okay because if I don’t then I have to accept the fact that I may never get to love you again, never hold you, never make love to you…I can’t do it John, I can’t,” Marlena said as she started crying.
“Please don’t cry,” John said as he took her in his arms and tried to provide her with comfort. “Please don’t cry…whatever it takes Doc, I’ll find a way to get you out of this.”
“Be there for the kids John…make sure that Rachel and Noah know that I love them, please do that for me,” Marlena begged through her sobs. She intrinsically knew that she would never get to see her children again, never hold them again. “Oh god, my babies,” she continued to sob. “John, you have to swear to me that whatever happens to me that they know that they are loved, that they feel that they are loved, that they never doubt that they are loved…Please, promise me.” Marlena grabbed onto John’s shirt for support. “Please,” she whispered.
John started crying at her admission, knowing that what she was wishing for her own children was what she as a child never had. The pain she must have felt growing up never knowing a mothers love. “I promise you…I swear on my life, I promise you,” John said as he grabbed her face through his own sobs and kissed her hard.
“Oh god, what am I going to do without you Doc,” John cried out.
“I need you John…I need you,” Marlena sobbed as she returned his kiss with equal passion, force and most of all desperation. “I can’t do this without you.”
“You’ve always had me Doc…you’ve always had me,” John blurted out in desperation as he grabbed Marlena’s face and kissed her roughly. He couldn’t stand the fact that this may be the last time in a long time that they could be like this together. Once she was admitted to the hospital she would be under constant surveillance and most likely suicide watch. If she was arrested and taken to jail, it would be much the same situation.
Marlena opened her mouth and allowed John’s tongue access. As he expertly moved his tongue inside her, she opened her eyes, wanting to memorize the look on his face. She wanted to be able to replay this memory, this instance, when other memories she tried hard to repress surfaced.
She felt his hands move roughly against the smooth skin of her stomach as they rose higher and higher. She tried to memorize the feel of his hands as they reached underneath the bottom of her bra and slid over her breasts. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes as she gave into the feeling. She was wanted. She was desired. She was loved.
John moaned into her mouth as he felt her nipples harden at his touch, wanting to memorize the way that her body seemed to become alive at his touch. Needing to be closer to her, he abruptly removed his hands from her shirt and concentrated on unbuttoning her pants and lowering them. She stared at him, a wistful look on her face. “I need you Doc…I need you now.” He lowered the zipper on his pants and removed his engorged manhood.
Marlena took him into her hand and stroked him, trying to memorize the feel of him in her hand. She traced her fingers slowly up and down the length of his shaft, not wanting to forget the feel and placement of each vein. Climbing onto his lap she guided him into her. Two became one. If only for the instance that they connected, both felt like they were home and that’s things would be okay.
“I love you,” Marlena whispered as she stared deep into his blue eyes as he thrust in and out of her.
“Love you MB,” John said as he stared deep into her hazel eyes and saw the shine. Regardless of what happened to her, to them, Marlena Black was worth it all. “God, do I love you,” John groaned as he continued to pump faster. He could hear by the sound of her breathing that she was close to the edge and about to fall off.
“Love you more JB…you are everything to me,” Marlena moaned as she tried to maintain eye contact with him but was finding it exceedingly difficult.
“You are mine and I’ll never give you up…. got that…all mine,” John himself was close to the edge, but trying to prolong the moment, this moment, for as long as possible.
“All yours,” Marlena said as she smiled. “Yours…I need you so much…. love you….John,” Marlena screamed out as she came hard on John’s lap. John felt her violently convulse around him. As he fell hard right behind her he tried to memorize her kiss, her smile, her touch and the look in her eyes when she said that she needed and loved him.
As John held Marlena close to his heart he swore to himself that although he couldn’t fix her and her problems, he would die trying to. She was worth it all.
Chapter 57b
“John, I’m scared,” Marlena said as she grabbed onto his arm and held onto it as if he were her lifeline. “Don’t leave me,” she begged him with her eyes as she looked helplessly around the small sterile hospital room. She’d been in this room countless times before and knew what to expect. But this was different, this time she was the patient.
John sat by her side, trying to be supportive as a middle-aged nondescript nurse with blond hair piled high onto her head in a bun, ordered Marlena to remove one item of clothing after another. Marlena obeyed the orders, humiliated, as she removed her shirt, her jeans, her socks, her watch and her jewelry. Anything that could be used to hurt herself was removed; she was crazy afterall.
“You know the drill…I need your bra and panties and then you can put this on,” the nurse said as she handed Marlena a standard issue hospital gown. John watched helplessly as Marlena was degraded in the worst possible way, forced to disrobe in front of a stranger. Marlena closed her eyes as she removed the final articles of clothing, trying to maintain her dignity in a situation that wouldn’t allow it. Every part of her that validated that she was a functioning member of society, a free person, was removed and put into a plastic bag and labeled with her name.
John wished that he were the one that was being degraded, that he could spare her the humiliation and pain, but knew he couldn’t. No one could. John watched the nurse carefully and was beyond pissed that the nurse wouldn’t make eye contract with him or Marlena, as if they weren’t worth her time and attention. He knew that she was just doing her job, and maybe that’s what bothered him, her complacency.
After checking to make sure that Marlena wasn’t hiding any sharp objects the nurse allowed her to put on the hospital gown. “The doctor will be in shortly to see you,” she informed Marlena as she left, shutting and locking the door behind her. Marlena was thankful that she’d been out of practice for a while and didn’t know this new nurse. Somehow that made it easier for her. The last thing she wanted was for her co-workers to look on her in pity.
“Doc, honey,” John said as he took her in his arms and held her. “Let me contact Mickey…We’ll get you out of this.”
“You can’t John…You can’t get me out of this…No one can,” Marlena said softly as she laid her head on John shoulder and breathed in his familiar smell, trying to commit it to memory. She wasn’t upset about the situation. What had happened and would happen was inevitable. People were just doing their jobs and it wasn’t personal.
“You can’t mean that Doc. I refuse to give up hope.” John rubbed her back slowly, trying to provide some comfort and warmth, knowing that she would need it in the coming days. Roman had told him earlier that once she was admitted, John would be allowed minimal contact with her. He wanted to cram days worth of love, affection and adoration into minutes. He was concerned about the fragility of her mind and what this isolation and imprisonment would do to her.
“I’m not asking you to,” Marlena said with a sigh as she closed her eyes and imagined that they were on a beach together. “I’m just asking that you be realistic about all this.”
“I just can’t stand to see you like this Doc…I can’t leave you here,” John said as a lone tear ran down his cheek. He’d accepted the fact that she had an abusive childhood, he’d accepted the fact that the Evans’ were not her biological parents, he’d accepted her amnesia and bizarre behavior, he’d accepted the fact that she hid her pregnancy from him and it almost resulted in her and the twins death, he accepted the fact that she couldn’t deal with the prematurity of the babies and didn’t want to see them, he accepted the fact that on an unconscious level she didn’t trust anyone and would probably always have secrets, he accepted the fact that she tried to commit suicide in front of him and he’d even accepted the fact that she admitted to killing three people. But this was something he couldn’t and wouldn’t accept. Marlena was not crazy and not a criminal and she didn’t deserve to be treated like one.
“John, I’ll be okay…Really I will,” Marlena said as she pulled out of the hug and sat down on the bed and ran her fingers through her hair. All this was so overwhelming. She felt a need to be strong for John, seeing that this whole situation was devastating to him. She knew by the way he was holding onto her that he didn’t want to leave her here, but she needed him watching over the babies and making sure that they were safe and loved. After everything that she had been through in her lifetime, this temporary imprisonment was nothing. She didn’t want to be here and was scared of being locked in the room alone, with no way out, but panicking and showing her fear would make it worse for John. She would be strong and convince him, convince them both, that everything would be okay.
“I worry about you Marlena, you know that,” John said as he sat down on the bed next to her and put his arm around her, holding her close. They were distracted by the sound of the heavy metal door being unlocked.
“So Dr. Evans,” the brown haired young doctor said he opened the door and entered the room. He was wearing the standard issue Salem University Hospital psychiatry department attire; white lab coat with his name monogrammed in blue, dress pants and expensive black wing-tipped shoes. John saw what looked to be a Rolex on his arm. He was an attractive man who was looking at his wife in a less than professional manner.
“Doctor, I’m John Black, Dr. Evans’ husband,” John said, emphasizing the word husband as he stood up from the bed and approached the doctor, sticking out his hand. John was staking his claim. Marlena was his.
“Mason Jones,” the doctor said as he shook John’s hand. “I’ve been reviewing the admit paperwork that Salem PD filled out on Doctor Evans,” the doctor said as he opened the chart and flipped through the paperwork. John watched the doctors face closely and watched as he shook his head, raised his eyebrows, rolled his eyes and showed general displeasure at what he was reading.
As Dr. Jones closed the chart and approached Marlena his attitude seemed to change. “How are you feeling?” he asked kindly as he sat down next to Marlena on the bed in the spot where John had been sitting. John watched as the doctor smiled at Marlena and pretended to act interested.
“I’m okay,” Marlena said as she returned the smile. This may not be so bad. The doctor seemed nice enough and Marlena wondered how long he’d worked at the hospital since she didn’t recognize him or his name.
“I assume you know why you’re here,” he said as he took her hand in his and patted it. John’s blood was boiling as he helplessly watched the encounter.
“Yeah,” John said, answering for Marlena. Why restate the obvious. They all knew why she was here.
“I assume that the nurse that was in earlier went over the policies of the hospital regarding involuntary holds.”
“Yeah,” John replied as he moved closer to the bed.
“Well then you know that visitation is limited right now…I need to check Dr. Evans’ vitals and run some tests to make sure that there isn’t an organic cause for her condition. If there isn’t, then we’ll begin her therapy tonight…After 72 hours I’ll reevaluate her condition to determine her level of safety. As you know, I approve all visitors,” Dr. Jones remarked as he looked up at John with a hint of malice in his eyes and a smirk on his face.
As John stared down the doctor he wondered what his motive was and if he was going to keep him away from Marlena. There was no fucking way that was going to happen. No one was going to keep him from Marlena ever again. That was a fact.
“So, Mr. Black, its time for you to leave…I have you tentatively approved for a half hour visit tomorrow morning at 10 am,” the doctor said as he let go of Marlena’s hand and stood up, facing John. A half hour? John didn’t think so. He’d have to see Mickey tonight to find out what Marlena’s legal rights were. “Thanks for visiting,” Dr. Jones said as he moved John toward the door, letting him know that it was time to leave. As John left the room and the door was shut behind him, he watched helplessly through the small glass window as the handsome doctor sat down on the bed next to his wife and took her hand in his once again.
“So Dr. Evans,” Dr. Jones said as he entered the room to find Marlena laying on the bed on top of the covers staring up at the ceiling. He sat down in the chair next to the bed and leaned in close to her. “May I call you Marlena?” There was something about him and the way he looked at her and the way he smelled that was familiar and made her nervous.
Marlena knew when the CAT scan and other tests that were being run that there was nothing wrong with her other than her memory. She’d been lying on the bed for hours trying to come up with clever and acceptable answers to questions he might ask, questions she would have asked. She nodded her head in response to his question. Today had been one of the most draining days in her life and she wanted nothing more than for it to be over with.
“So Marlena…the tests came back negative for an organic cause of your behavior and I know that you know what that means.” He leaned closer to her on the bed, invading her personal space. She could smell the faint odor of pepperoni pizza on his breath.
“Look Marlena…I’ve read your file, I know who you are.” Marlena felt herself start to get nauseous at the smell. “You’re a bright woman…Graduated at the top of your class at medical school, but I’m not surprised.” He suddenly sat back in his chair and then abruptly stood up, leaning over her. She tried to sit up in a defensive pose but his proximity wasn’t allowing it. She’d have to touch him to be able to freely move. “I’m not going to ask you the questions you think I am, why bother really,” he said as he laughed. She felt the bile rise in her throat as the stale smell invaded her nostrils, turning her head away from the smell. “So the question is, are you really nutty or are you just pretending to be so you don’t get taken down to jail?”
Marlena was shocked at his bluntness and didn’t know quite what to say. She was also confused. Hours before when John was here he was nothing other than a concerned professional.
“I don’t know you…don’t know what your motivation is…if you think that this is Hotel California, you’re in for a surprise. Just because you work here doesn’t mean you get special privileges. I’ve instructed the staff here that you get no special treatment. Maybe you are sick, maybe you’re lying…either way, it doesn’t matter to me.” Marlena started to get mad at his insinuations about her character. He didn’t know her and she knew that he wasn’t getting his information from a police report.
Rolling over and abruptly sitting up, fire in her eyes, Marlena faced Mason Jones. “If you’ve talked to anyone who knows me and done your homework like you so claim you have, then you’d realize that I’d never ask for or expect special treatment.” The venom in her voice was evident. She was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and be polite but he was making it extremely difficult.
“Everyone says that,” he laughed. “I don’t believe it Marlena…”
“That’s Doctor Evans to you,” Marlena coldly interrupted. Two could play this game. “This obviously isn’t going to work out. For whatever reason, you don’t like me.”
“Not true…I’d have to know you first to make that judgement call and I don’t,” Dr. Jones retorted as he sat back down in the chair. This was getting interesting. Dr. Evans would be a much greater challenge that he had ever hoped for.
“Whatever… Look, you already have a bias against me and I’m not sure that you are the best person for my treatment.”
“Thankfully that’s not your decision *Marlena* …I am the doctor, you are the patient…that’s how this works…now play nice and I may send you to Bayview after your 72 hour hold…you give me or my staff problems and you wind up in jail…got it?”
Marlena was stunned by his threat and wasn’t sure how to react. She didn’t want to further provoke him, knowing that he really controlled her fate, at least her fate for the next 67 hours. Her mind tried to conjure up the reason why this doctor seemed to hate her.
“So lets talk Marlena…why did you decide to put a gun to your head and shoot yourself?” He was leaning close to her once again as he asked his question.
“What?” she gasped, unable to comprehend why her doctor was talking to her in this manner.
“Oh, come on Marlena…Why’d you do it? Did you want the attention? Did you want your dear husband to beg you not to do it? Did you like the power that you had over him in that one instant when you knew deep down that you controlled every thought of his? Did he beg you not to do it? I bet the sex after that was phenomenal…I bet he…”
“Stop it,” Marlena yelled as she interrupted him. “Stop it.” How dare he take a disturbing and emotional event between John and her and minimalize it. How dare he try to cheapen the passion, love and soul connection that she and John shared when they made love and cheapen it by calling it sex.
“Tell me why then,” he said as he moved closer to her. “You’re eventually going to have to tell me…remember the choice is yours, cuckoo house or the brig.”
“What is wrong with you?” Marlena asked as she scooted back in the bed away from him. “Your questions and attitude are bordering on unethical, Dr. Jones.”
He laughed. “That’s charming coming from you Marlena…so back to the original question…. why did you do it? Or was that just a lie your ex-husband, the police commissioner and your husband came up with to conveniently to save your hide? It must be nice knowing the system so well, knowing how to manipulate the system for your own good.”
“That’s not how it is,” Marlena tried to explain, wanting him to understand.
“Then tell me how it is,” he demanded angrily, getting upset at her lack of cooperation.
“What is the point? Really, what’s the point? You seem to have some preconceived idea as to who I am and what my motivations are…Tell me I’m wrong Doctor Jones.”
“They were right about you.”
Marlena stared at him, not wanting to take the bait but at the same times curious as to what he was alluding to.
“You are a feisty one…I can see why so many men have fallen under your spell…well its not going to work on me…if you think you can charm your way into the nutsy cuckoo house you have another thing coming…you want to know what I think?”
“Not really, “Marlena said as she scooted back into the corner, as far away from him as she could get. She brought her knees up to her chest and laid her head on them and closed her eyes. She was tired of playing this game with the doctor.
“I think you’re lying…I think you’re a fraud.” Dr. Jones rested his arms over his chest and waited for her reaction.
Marlena felt her blood pressure rise. He was infuriating but she refused to react. That’s what he wanted her to do… he wanted her to react. She wouldn’t allow him the satisfaction. Smiling, she opened her eyes slowly. “Prove it,” she challenged him.
“Oh I welcome the challenge. I view this case as a gift in a way. In a couple of days all of Salem is going to know you’re in here and why.”
“Too bad they won’t know because of doctor patient confidentiality,” Marlena said softly, wishing that he’d disappear.
“Oh that…there are ways around it Doc…”
“Don’t call me that,” she snapped at him.
“Sensitive are you? Is that name only reserved for your legion of lovers, current and past?”
“You bastard,” Marlena said harshly as she raised her head off of her knees and brought up her hand to slap him hard.
He grabbed her hand before it made contact with his face. “Finally…. Finally we are getting somewhere…Finally some real emotion from you,” he said as he held her hand in his firmly. Slowly her stroked her hand, back and forth. She tried to pull out of his grasp but his hold was too strong. “So Marlena, Doc, are you faking it? Or did the memories of dear old dad fucking you finally get to you?”
Marlena gasped, the color draining from her face. “How the hell would you know that?”
“I know lots of things about you Julie.”
Chapter 58a (NC-17) –Warning. This chapter contains disturbing imagery, which some people may find objectionable.
“Aren’t you going to tell me to stop Julie?” He said as he slowly ran his tongue along the rim of her ear. She could feel the warmth of his breath against her ear and neck as he slowly breathed in and out. She couldn’t see him clearly in the darkness, only the side of his face out of the corner of her eye. Trying to calm herself, she imagined that his tongue was a small snail and nothing more. Up and down the little snail crawled leaving a trail of slime. “This too shall pass,” she told herself, as she willed her legs to stop shaking and betraying her fear.
“Julie, Julie, such a little foolie,” he taunted her as he grabbed her breasts over her school uniform and squeezed them hard. She closed her eyes and tried not to react even though the pain was unbearable. Maybe if he thought that what he was doing to her didn’t really bother her he’d leave her alone. “Come on Julie, why aren’t you playing?” Tauntingly, he slowly ran one of his hands up the front of her chest where it rested on her neck. “Come on Julie, you’re no fun,” he hissed in her ear before he grabbed her neck and squeezed hard. She felt the feel the smooth tips of his manicured fingernails as they pressed into her skin. In and out his breath blew softly against her ear, providing little warmth in the freezing room.
“Stop it,” she begged him between gasps of air as she brought her hands up to her neck trying to free herself. He was taller than her and was standing behind her. “Please…please…I can’t breathe,” she gasped. As he increased his hold on her neck she felt his erection pushing into her backside. Her struggle was turning him on.
“No,” she said as she tried to get away from him. He was pressing himself into her slowly, enjoying her discomfort. She kicked her right leg back hoping to connect with his shin and hurt him while at the same time trying to get his hands off from around her neck.
“That’s how I like it Jules,” he whispered directly into her ear. “Do you even realize how hot you are?”
“Let me go.” She was starting to feel lightheaded and was having a hard time concentrating. In front of her she could see the door to the room, the exit sign illuminated in the darkness.
“Fine,” he yelled in her ear as he abruptly pushed her forward. She tumbled face forward to the ground, her hands breaking her fall. As she scrambled on the trash-strewn floor towards the door, she saw it. Exit. Exit. Exit. She couldn’t stop staring at the sign.
She heard him laughing behind her in a sing-song voice. “You can run, but you can’t hide.”
Exit. Exit. Exit. The sign was a beacon in the night, a chance for escape. Slowly she crawled, feeling the glass on the floor cutting into her knees. Through the pain, she crawled one step at a time towards the door. She was almost to the door when she heard the unmistakable sound of his pants zipper being lowered. “It’s time I took what was mine,” she heard him say with lust in his voice as he approached her. As he moved closer to her she looked up at him, his blond hair reflecting the red of the exit sign.
“No,” Marlena screamed louder than she had ever screamed in her life. She tried to get her arms free, but John was holding her down.
“Stop it John,” she begged him. He looked at her with confusion, then let her arms go. He was straddling her hips, grinding himself into her. She felt the cold tile of the bathroom floor through her thin T-shirt. The long skirt she wore didn’t provide much comfort or protection from the dirt and grime. As she turned her head to the right she saw and smelled a puddle of urine.
“Shut up,” he said as he smacked her hard across the face, drawing blood. She felt her lip begin to smell.
“John, why are you doing this?” she asked him as she felt him run his hands roughly up her inner thighs. There was nothing loving or gentle about his touch.
Suddenly he stood up, cowering over her on the floor. Grabbing a quarter out of his pocket he bought a condom from the machine on the bathroom wall. Marlena tried to sit up, disgusted that she was lying on the floor in a public bathroom.
“I don’t want to do this here John,” she said as tears stared to well up in her eyes. She knew that John liked to have kinky sex in public places occasionally, but this choice was disturbing.
“Shut up bitch,” he said as he pushed her down on the tile floor. She watched through half closed terrified eyes as he lowered his pants and rolled the condom carefully down the length of his shaft. Crawling on top of her ripped her underwear off and spread her legs wide. She tried to move back from away him, not wanting to go though with it, not in this place. “No John…No,” she begged, hoping that he would see her fear and stop. “No.”
He grabbed her hands and held them tightly over her head as he roughly entered her in one move. “Stop John…please stop…you’re hurting me,” she sobbed. His eyes were demonic as he moved in and out of her at a quickening pace.
“Dumb bitch…my name ain’t John,” the man replied as his face morphed from John’s familiar one into a strangers.
“Nooooooooooooo,” Marlena screamed at she sat up in her bed in the psychiatric ward. Her clothing and sheets were soaking wet.
“It was just a dream,” she said outloud as she tried to calm herself down. The images in the dream were disturbing to her, but like most things she was remembering, what was real and what was imagined? On unsteady legs, she slowly got up off the bed and went to the door of the room, wondering what time it was.
“Hello,” she knocked on the door of the room trying to get the guard’s attention. She was thirsty and didn’t feel well and hoped that the guard could help.
“What do you want?” the guard asked annoyed, as he looked through the small window at Marlena. The woman on the other side looked disturbed, her long blond hair plastered to the side of her head, wet from what he assumed was sweat. Her gown that hung from her thin frame was much too big for her. Her eyes had the same vacant look that so many people that wound up in the psychiatric ward had.
“I need some new sheets and clothes,” she yelled through the beveled glass wishing that he would just open the damn door. She felt like a criminal.
“Can’t help you…I’ve got instructions to wait for Dr. Jones or Dr. North…” she heard the guard yell. Dr. North? She started to feel faint. Alex North. Alex fucking North. Why was he involved in this? A sudden sharp pain in her right temporal lobe brought her to her knees. She grabbed her head trying to stop the pain as memories from her past flashed through her mind. She saw herself arguing with John about him being JT’s father and her slapping him across the face hard….she felt the anger and hate that she felt towards him in that instance. She saw John yelling at her, telling her that she couldn’t handle Brady because he didn’t treat her like a goddess like everybody else…she felt the pain of the realization that John was pulling away from her and believed his son over her. She saw herself walking through the parking garage at University Hospital and being approached by John…she saw herself being led into the small basement bathroom where John demanded that she have sex with him…she felt the pain and the shame as he entered her roughly and left her there on the floor, realizing that it wasn’t him.
“You’re a crazy bitch,” the stranger laughed at her as he continued to pump into her. Marlena tried to move her hands, but he held them firmly above her head.
“Please stop,” she begged the man. The physical pain was tolerable, the emotional pain unbearable. Where was John?
“Shut the fuck up before I kill you,” he yelled. He lowered his head and tried to kiss her. Marlena felt the taste of bourbon on his breath as his tongue entered her mouth. The mixture of the blood from the cut on her lip when he’d hit her, the bourbon and the salt from her tears created a unique combination. She struggled against him, trying to stop the assault, trying to stop the pain, but her was too big and strong for her. Giving up, she layed there on the floor and sobbed, allowing the stranger to violate her. Where was John?
This was not happening to her, not again. She cried out for John.
“Man, I should have done this before…you’re pretty tight, you know that.” Marlena closed her eyes tightly wishing that it would all be over with. With each thrust she felt her hair being pulled as he moved her body back and forth against the dirty tile floor. She tried to imagine herself in another place, far away, a place where she was safe and loved. Her mind tried to find that place, but couldn’t. She didn’t feel safe and loved. Things with John were so fractured; they were barely on speaking terms, strangers living in the same house. They never talked anymore, only argued.
With a final push and a grunt the stranger came and then pulled out of Marlena and stood up leaving her on the floor. “You mention this to anyone and I’ll kill you…better yet, I hear your precious daughter is a pretty one…question is, is she as good as her momma?” He quickly buttoned his pants and adjusted his red checked flannel button down shirt.
“Leave her alone.” Marlena panicked, as she lowered her skirt, trying to cover herself. She tried so hard to give her daughter the kind of life, the kind of love and security, that she never had growing up. She would not allow this man to destroy Belle’s innocence. “You go near my daughter and I will kill you,” she said coldly.
“So says the tramp on the floor….later bitch,” the man said as he unlocked the door and left the bathroom.
Marlena immediately stood up and ran to the door locking it behind him. Turning around and leaning against the door she fell to the floor sobbing. What had she done?
For hours she sat there, crying and shaking, afraid to open the door to find the stranger on the other side. Clearly he knew her, but how? Her head hurt from trying to remember.
She contemplated going back into the hospital and having a rape kit done, but the woman inside of her couldn’t handle the looks and stares she was sure to get. She was strong; she could handle this on her own. She would compartmentalize it, file it away and move on with her life. John would help her through this; he would be there for her, he would be the strong one and allow her a moment of weakness. John. He was going to hate her.
She crawled across the filthy floor, no longer caring what was on it and retrieved her purse from under the sink. Taking out her cell phone she called the penthouse and got the answering machine. John had to be on the other line. She then flipped through her contacts for “sailor” and pressed the button. His phone rang and rang; finally his familiar voice came on the line saying that he was not available and to leave a message.
“No,” she cried out, needing to talk to him. If anyone could make this all go away, it was John. Where was he? She needed him.
Over and over she called the number, comforted by his message. “I need you John, please answer,” she pleaded into the phone.
For hours she sat in front of the door and tried to call John until her cell phone battery died.
She saw herself as she slowly drove around Salem for hours, sobbing in the car, wondering how she was going to explain to John that she’d let a stranger rape her. If he was her soulmate, why hadn’t he heard her cries for help?
She saw herself as she slowly entered the penthouse, humiliated, scared, and in pain….John was talking to someone on the phone and barely noticed her.
She walked past him and stood behind the living room couch, waiting for him to finish his phone call. After ten minutes, with him barely glancing in her direction, he hung up the phone.
“John I need to talk to you about something,” she said, trying to maintain her composure. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to stop the flow of tears and trying to be strong. She desperately wanted John to take her into his arms and forgive her and make everything alright.
“Can’t it wait until later?” He asked, barely looking up at her, as he looked through the pile of mail on the desk.
“It’s kind of important,” she whispered as she watched him. She hoped that he wouldn’t be mad and blame her for what had happened, even though she knew that she was partially at fault. How could she have mistaken a stranger for John? Why did she follow him into the bathroom? How could she have let the stranger push her down on the floor? She felt the bile rise up in her throat as she thought about what the man had done to her. Could John forgive her? Would John forgive her?
“Something has come up that I need to deal with right now,” he said as he finally looked up at her. He must have seen the tears and swelling on her face. “Oh lord, you’re crying again… What horrible grievance did my bad son commit against you now?” John sarcastically asked.
“What?” she asked in confusion, shaken from her memories.
“Oh I’m sorry Marlena,” John said emphasizing the word Marlena, “Of course its not imagined, right?… I forgot how this goes, as the great psychiatrist, you are always right…isn’t that the way it is?”
“What?” She just wanted to tell him about what had happened. She felt humiliated and ashamed and wanted to take a shower but here John was talking about Brady. Her legs shaking and unsteady, she grabbed on the couch for support. She just wanted to tell him what had happened, why was he talking about Brady?
“Don’t play dumb with me Marlena… You’ve been trying to drive a wedge between me and my son for months now…well its not going to work… you’re just going to have to be a little less sensitive and suck it up…every time he gives you a mean look I don’t want to have to hear about it, nor should I…. You’re the adult here, you’re the parent, why don’t you start acting like it,” John rudely said without even glancing over at Marlena. He grabbed his keys off of the small desk and quickly walked toward the door.
“But,” she said, shocked that he was about to leave her here alone. “Its midnight.”
“So, there are some things I need to do that have come up…okay…they are important to me… I don’t want to talk about it, because we’ll just end up fighting about it and I am so tired of fighting with you… don’t wait up for me,” John said right before he closed the door behind him.
She watched him as he closed the door behind him, barely looking at her. Never before had she felt so unwanted, so unloved and so alone.
“Are you alright? Are you alright?” the guard frantically asked as he looked through the glass window, barely seeing Marlena laying on the floor in the corner of the white room. Her blood was freely flowing from her nostrils, pooling on the white tile floor. Eyes rolled back in her head, limbs twitching, she appeared to be having a grand mal seizure. The guard pressed the medical alert button, summoning medical help while he watched Dr. Evans helplessly though the small glass window.
Chapter 58B
“Alex… I don’t like this…I don’t like this one bit,” Mason Jones said as he intently watched Marlena on the surveillance monitor in the comfort of his office. Marlena was heavily medicated and lying in the hospital bed in the psychiatric ward, arms and legs restrained so that she wouldn’t hurt herself.
“Hey we didn’t have to do anything, my friend…It’s not our fault that her mind is so fucked up and she doesn’t even realize it,” Alex laughed as he leaned back in high backed executive leather chair, put his feet up on the desk and opened a can of Mountain Dew.
“Still, look at her…. This is not what I had imagined,” Mason said as he stood in front of the monochromatic monitor watching it, watching her. His hatred for her ran deep, but as a medical doctor he felt compassion.
“Who cares, its Julie….who the fuck cares….she totally had this coming Mason…you know that,” Alex said as he watched the monitor and laughed when Marlena appeared to be having another seizure. “Look at her,” he laughed. “Fucking priceless, can I get a copy of this tape?”
“Goddammit, Alex,” Mason said as he swiped Alex’s feet off his desk as he reached for the phone. “Increase the meds 10 cc’s,” he ordered.
Alex and Mason watched intently as the guard and psych tech raced into the room and increased her medications. Within minutes the twitching stopped and she was eerily still. On the black and white monitor she looked lifeless.
“So Mason, does Julie know who you are yet?” Alex asked as he watched his old friend retrieve a can of Mountain Dew from the small refrigerator and open it.
Mason watched the monitor as he responded to Alex. “No, thank god…but I kind of want her to remember me… It will make things more interesting in the long run that’s for sure.”
“Is she crazy?” Alex asked, curious, but not really caring.
“Who knows…does it really matter?”
“No,” Alex laughed as he picked up his can and looked at the ingredients. “Don’t know how you drink this stuff Mason, it’ll kill you.”
“Everything will kill you, you ass,” Mason laughed as he sat down and made himself comfortable. It was going to be a long night.
“So, Mason, I need your help if everything is going to go according to plan…I need you to call Peter tonight and tell him to get his ass on a plane…the clock is ticking down to when the 72 hour old on Julie is over….I need him to perform a wedding ceremony?”
“What the hell did you do now?” Mason asked skeptically as he set down his can and leaned forward in his chair, rubbing his temples.
“The only way to shut her up and keep her silent is if we’re married and she can’t be forced to testify against me…either way its genius and she’ll be the one going to jail, not us.”
“Is she still buying that shit you fed to her years ago about being married?” Mason laughed, amazed at how long Alex had managed to perpetuate this myth.
“For a fucking card carrying member of Mensa and a certified genius, she’s kind of dumb in that regards, entirely too trusting if you ask me.” Alex laughed as he thought back to the night before when he’d forced her to have sex with him saying it was his marital privilege. Dumb bitch.
“What about Black, isn’t she married to him?”
“That’s what’s so fucking genius about all of this…she forced him to divorce her…I planted enough seeds of doubt in that little messed up head of hers…she never even questioned it…just brilliant….I am good.” Alex leaned back in his chair, smiling at the sheer genius of his plan.
“Knowing you, you also probably invoked your spousal privileges with her in the bedroom.”
“Hell yeah, wouldn’t you?…I almost felt bad, but she’s so good…hell you remember what Julie is like in bed.”
“Who would have thought?” Mason said, a pensive look on his face.
“John Black is a lucky man…thankfully after tomorrow I’ll be allowed the occasional conjugal visit with her…it would be a shame to let someone with some many talents in the bedroom go to waste.”
“What a shame it would be…”
“I need your help with this….We’ve either got to convince everyone that she is truly nuts or make sure that she never remembers what really happened….if she only know what’s in her head, what’s been inside her head all along…”
“She can’t…we’ve worked too hard and for too long to have her mess up all of our plans.”
“She won’t say anything…call Peter, I’m going to pay my ‘wife’ a little visit,” Alex said as he got up from the chair and leaned closer to the monitor. Julie was starting to scare him, she barely looked alive.
“Alex, I don’t think that’s such a good idea…besides she’s sedated.”
“So, I’ll unsedate her,” Alex said as he walked over to the medicine cabinet, pulled out a hypodermic and filled it with a powerful amphetamine.
“North, that’s too much…you want to fucking kill her?” Mason warned. “That dosage is too much for her weight…you fucking know that.”
“Are you going soft on me brother?” Alex asked curiously, knowing that Mason once had strong feelings for Julie, but that was a long time ago and too much had happened since then.
“Hardly, she’s more use to us alive than dead…you know that,” Mason replied, trying to convince Alex and himself that Julie meant nothing to him. Why did she still haunt him after all this time? “So, when do you think El Diablo is going to figure out that its her?”
“He’d kill you if he heard you call him that…Hopefully never…I’m hopeful that by laying down enough tracks and roadblocks, he’ll never figure out that Julie is the one, that it’s Julie that they’ve been looking for all along,” Alex said thinking about his plans. If everything went as it was supposed to, he and Mason would be very rich men.
“Why the hell didn’t you take care of her and do this years ago when you had the chance…too much could have gone wrong,” Mason questioned. None of this made sense to him. When he pulled Dr. Marlena Evans’ hospital records a couple of hours before he was shocked to find that she had been living in Salem for at least thirty years. She wasn’t hiding, as everyone assumed that she was, she was living a very prominent, very public life. Alex obviously knew her as Marlena Evans, why hadn’t he alerted him to her location? “I am glad that you called me this time when you realized that she was in Salem.”
“Roman fucking Brady is what happened…He came in and played doting boyfriend and savior to her…goddamn him and his obsessions…Then El Diablo found me and I spent years in that damn camp in Italy where his team tried to get me to tell him what I knew about her and where she was,” Alex said as he recounted his years in solitary confinement. Bats flying all around him, trying to bite him, vermin scattering across the bare concrete floor at all hours of the day and night. All for a fucking woman. The more he thought of how he suffered in her name, the more he hated her. Shaking his head to rid himself of the bad memories he continued, “Lexie Dimera was the one that ironically reintroduced us.”
Mason choked on the soda he was drinking and spit it out all over the desk. “Lexie Dimera? Lexie Dimera as in Stefano Dimera’s daughter? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I couldn’t make this shit up…Seems our dear Julie, now the reformed professional Dr. Marlena Evans, fucked her ex-husband, got knocked up, fell down the stairs and developed amnesia and who did Dr. Carver, also known as Alexandra Dimera, call on for a consultation you ask? Moi.”
“Genius,” Mason laughed as he picked up his can of Mountain Dew and attempted to drink again. Lexie fucking Dimera called on Alex to treat Julie. The irony was outstanding. “So you’ve been here for months with her?” The more important question was why hadn’t Alex called him sooner.
“No, fucking Black got involved and took his precious Marlena away from Salem,” Alex said as he thought back to a year ago when he had her confined at the cabin. He was so close to a break through with her then, if only she hadn’t had called John Black and had a panic attack and hyperventilated. If he hadn’t administered a sedative to her to get her to calm down she wouldn’t have had an allergic reaction. If she hadn’t had an allergic reaction, he wouldn’t have had to call John Black for assistance. If John hadn’t come to the cabin, he wouldn’t have taken her away to his private island. Such as it was with Julie, one event always seemed to set off another chain of events, none of which anyone could predict. “She only came back to Salem a couple of months ago…I couldn’t get to her….believe me, I tried.”
Mason contemplated Alex’s answer, wondering how much truth there was to it. When it came down to it, although they shared a common goal, he didn’t trust Alex one bit. The fact that he knew that she was in Salem for thirty years and never told him really bothered him. Why would he hide that information? Even if he was detained by El Diablo, Mason had received the same training as Alex had and would have been just as effective in getting what he needed. Why was Alex’s motive?
Mason paused for a minute and watched the monitor. Julie was thrashing about in the bed in the midst of another nightmare.
“Don’t…leave me alone,” she screamed over and over ago at an unseen and unknown enemy. Turning his head away from the tragic picture he faced Alex. “I saw on her charts that she recently gave birth, whose children are they?”
Alex laughed. “The common belief is that they are John Blacks.”
“Are you saying that they aren’t?”
“Who knows? They’re Julie’s kids, you know how she is…they could belong to anyone.”
Mason laughed. “Well they sure as hell aren’t mine.” He secretly wished they were for so many reasons, reasons he would never share with another living person. “So…why are the kids still in the hospital? I heard some gossip tonight about them in the nurses lounge?”
“It’s a long complicated story… She can blame Black for that…she called me from Black’s island to come and get her….I was almost there, so close…seriously like twenty minutes away, when Black finds out that she called me and he gets her and that fucker Roman Brady off the island and places them in hiding…Dumb ass sent her to Alaska in the fucking winter…not too bright, if you ask me…Julie, being Julie, didn’t bother to tell the asshole that she was pregnant at the time and he was too thick to figure that one out himself…All this is like a tragic Greek comedy in a way…God they amuse me so.”
“Alex…on with your story…you are like the worst storyteller in the world….is there a point to all this?”
“Sorry Earnest Fucking Hemingway… anyway, she’s holed up in the arctic when she goes into labor and can’t get out. Black had to fucking deliver his own kids. I saw stolen copies of the intel photographs…sickest shit I’ve seen in a long time. I about fucking vomited all over the place when I saw how that crazy fucker filleted her…you were the one that wanted to know this pal…anyway, the kids came out a little early…rumor is that Jules was quite the drinker when she was pregnant.”
“Really, I can’t picture that,” Mason said trying to think back over all the years that he had known Julie. She was never a drinker, never wanting to lose control. But, she did have a propensity for self-destruction when pushed to the limit; maybe this was one of those times. “Okay, maybe I can… So what’s wrong with them?”
“Hell if I know…the boy is okay, I think…the girl has had a couple surgeries, something to do with the heart.” Alex had to be careful when it came to the twins. If he was caught visiting or looking at their medical records he might arouse suspicion. If El Diablo knew that those children existed they would be in danger.
“That’s ironic,” Mason laughed and then was silenced by the screams of Marlena on the monitor. “No…don’t do it…No…don’t do it,” she screamed over and over again.
Alex was tired of talking about Julie and knew that their clock was quickly counting down. Neither of them had much time to extract what they needed from Julie before El Diablo found her. Once the 72 hours was up, if she wasn’t truly Mrs. Alex North it would all be over for him and Mason. If she went to the nuthouse or jail, there would be a hearing. Who they had killed and why was of national importance and all the major networks would be there. Forget the OJ Simpson trial. This would be the trial of the century and there would be no fucking way that El Diablo wouldn’t find out that Julie was the one. After all of their hunting, their tracking, their planning, it all came down this. Shaking his head, Alex stood up from his chair. “Enough about them, watch me on the monitor, I’m going to have me some fun,” Alex said as he grabbed the hypodermic needle off of the desk and headed to the door.
Chapter 59
“Come out, come out, wherever you are?” Alex taunted Marlena as he injected an overdose of amphetamine into her system. Climbing on the bed, he laid down next to her and held her in his arms as her system became accustomed to the powerful drug running through her veins. He wanted to experience her fear, feel her body jerk, when she realized that it wasn’t her precious John holding her, but rather him. He hoped that Mason was enjoying the show.
“No,” Marlena moaned, moving her head slowly from left to right. She was so exhausted and disoriented, unaware of her surroundings.
“Come on Jules,” a voice from the past taunted her. She tried to open her eyes to see who was talking to her but didn’t have the energy.
“No,” she whispered as she fell back into a deep slumber.
“Dammit Julie, why are you ruining my fun?” Alex asked as he jabbed the hypodermic needle roughly into her arm and injected the remaining amphetamine. It would either wake her up or kill her. Either way was fun.
“No,” Marlena moaned as she tried to move her arm to grab her head. Something was wrong with her. The pounding in her head was incredible; the thump of her heart beat as her blood coursed through her veins reverberated in her ears, involuntarily her calf muscles started randomly twitching. Slowly she regained awareness of her senses. The stale sterile smell of antiseptic and bleach filled her nostrils along with familiar smelling cologne. She tried to open her eyes, but was lacking the strength or motivation to. She just wanted to sleep.
“Open your fucking eyes now or I’ll kill John,” Alex whispered in her ear as he climbed on top of her. This was going to be fun.
John. John. John. Marlena strained to hear what was being said, but descended deeper into slumber unable to stop it. John. Was he there with her?
“Dammit,” Alex yelled at her as he slapped her hard across the face and pinned her arms down against the mattress. “You are going to open your eyes now,” he hissed in her face.
Marlena was pulled out of her slumber once again by the feeling of fingers digging into the thin muscles on her arms. The pain in her muscles was incredible, compounded by the pounding in her head and pressure on her chest. She tried to open her eyes to see what the incredible pressure was. The feeling of someone hitting her face, set in motion as series of chemical events in her blood stream as her fear and pain triggered the body’s natural defense mechanism. As endorphins were released by the brain into the blood stream, steadily her heart started beating faster and faster. Slowly she was waking up.
“It’s so good to see you my dear,” Alex said facetiously, as he slowly stuck out his tongue and ran the wet tip of it up and down her cheek. Combined with his increasing pressure on her arms, she was bound to react. He could see the terror in her eyes and was pleased with himself. This was going to be fun.
Laughing, he pressed himself into her as she struggled on the bed. “You’re in restraints Jules,” he laughed in her face. “You’re not going anywhere,” he taunted as he slowly moved his body up and down hers. “You’re all mine.”
“Please, don’t do this to me,” Marlena slurred as she struggled against the restraints on her arms and legs.
“Come on, its time for a little fun Jules. Remember when we used to have so much fun,” he said as he released his hold on her arms and softly stroked her face.
“Please,” she begged him as her eyes fully opened. She tried to pull her arms free, but the restraints were too tight. This couldn’t be happening again. Tearing up Marlena begged Alex, “Please Alex, please…please let me go.”
“Come on Julie…Don’t you want to have some fun,” he taunted her, turned on by her terror and tears.
“Alex, please don’t do this to me…I’ll do whatever you want, please just release me.” Marlena was trying hard not to cry as she struggled against her restraints. She felt a tightening in her chest and was finding it increasingly hard to breathe.
“I want to see your fear…I want to hear you scream…I want you to beg.”
“Alex…Alex…Alex…stop this, please,” Marlena panicked as Alex laughed. Knowing what Alex had in mind, Marlena in her drugged state tried to calculate the various ways to get out of the situation. As she felt Alex’s hands slide up and along the smooth skin of her stomach, Marlena felt the bile rise up in her throat. Alex was going to rape her in this bed unless she did something.
“Thinking about daddy dearest now Jules,” Alex taunted. “Bet you secretly liked it when he used to tie you up and throw you into the closet while he had his way with Samantha huh? Did you like that Jules?….Maybe if I turned out the lights you could pretend it was just like old times…does that sound fun to you….sounds kind of sick to me…hey, but if you’re into that kind of thing…”
“Fuck you,” Marlena yelled as she spit in his face.
“That’s my fighter,” Alex said as he closed his eyes and wiped his face off against hers. The moment his face made contact with hers Marlena opened her mouth and wildly tried to bite him, coming into contact with his bottom lip. As hard as she could, she bit down on it, drawing blood. Alex tried to pull away from her, but Marlena wouldn’t let go. As he moved his head from left to right, her head moved right along with his.
“Bitch,” he murmured through the pain, as he brought his hands up to her neck and squeezed, cutting off her circulation.
“John,” Marlena screamed as she let go of his bottom lip. “John,” she screamed again willing him to save her. I need you; she silently called out to him. Help me. Save me.
“Don’t you fucking ever do that again or I will kill you,” Alex threatened as he pressed his thumbs against her windpipe and laughed as she choked.
He looked behind him at the monitor, hoping that Mason was enjoying his performance.
Licking his lips, the taste of his own blood an aphrodisiac, he once again faced Marlena. She was gasping for air underneath him. As he leaned over her contemplating his next move, he watched as one drop of his blood after another slowly fell and made contact with her gown.
“Why couldn’t you have left the past alone? Why?” The last time he tested her memory there had been no reaction, why was she remembering now?
Looking up at him with fear filled hazel eyes she questioned him, “What?”
“You heard me…why didn’t you listen to me when I told you what you needed to do?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Alex…I don’t.”
“Don’t lie Julie, you never were a good liar.”
“My name is Marlena,” she said defiantly, annoyed at herself for letting him call her Julie. Julie was dead; Marlena was very much alive.
“Julie, Marlena…Marlena, Julie…Whatever,” Alex said as he brought his thumb to his lips and wiped it. He then ran his thumb along her neck, the trail of blood quickly drying in its path.
“Alex, I don’t know what you are talking about,” Marlena stated once again.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. We had an agreement Marlena. You broke that agreement.”
“What agreement?”
“Don’t even try that Marlena…Just don’t…We’ve known each other for too long and been through too much together for you to go there.”
“Alex, I swear to you, I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Liar,” he screamed at her as he got up off of her and walked to the corner of the room. He was scared that he would actually kill her, strangle her to death. “Don’t think that you’re smarter than I am and that you could actually outsmart me, you can’t.”
“I’m not,” Marlena whispered as she watched Alex out of the corner of her eye, afraid that he would snap at any moment and become violent with her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about…I swear I don’t.”
“I don’t believe you,” he yelled as he approached her.
“Alex, no,” Marlena pleaded as she tried to move away from him but couldn’t because of the restraints. “No.”
“You know what happens to liars Marlena,” he said in a threatening manner as he slowly approached the bed, each movement of his pronounced.
“I’m not lying, I’m not…I don’t remember all of my past, you know that Alex.”
“Convenient excuse for you, I’d say.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Whatever,” he said as he sat down on the bed and slowly touched her face. He took pleasure in watching her squirm as she tried desperately to move her face away from his touch. “Jules, you always hated this,” he said as he moved his fingers up and down, taking time to drag them over her lips.
“We had an agreement and you broke that agreement…you know that I don’t take too kindly to those that betray me,” Alex slowly ran his hands up and down her arms and watched with a smile on his face as she violently struggled against her restraints trying to free her arms and legs. Adrenaline was coursing through her veins, she had no idea what the hell Alex was talking about but was determined not to lie passively in bed and become his victim.
“There is something you can do to make it up to me,” Alex offered. Marlena stopped struggling and looked up at him. “What did he say to you right before you pulled the trigger?”
Alex watched as Marlena closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. Pictures of that night flashed into her mind. She saw herself as she ran through the woods, his blood all over her torn nightgown. She ran as fast as she could away from it all.
“Julie, Julie,” he yelled as he trailed behind her in the forest, gun in hand.
Faster and faster she ran, not sure where she was headed, only that she couldn’t go back to the house or to the lake. She saw him out of the corner of her eye, his blond hair illuminated by the glow of the moon.
“Stop,” he said as he grabbed onto her nightgown. “Stop.” He held her in place as she broke down in his arms. She held tightly onto his T-shirt as he tried to comfort her, not knowing how.
“We’ve got to get out of here Julie,” he said as he looked into her tortured eyes, eyes that were far older and wiser than her thirteen years. “Just do as I say and I’ll help you.”
Opening her eyes to stop the flood of images, Marlena tried to calm her breathing. The last thing she wanted to do was to have a panic attack in front of Alex. “I don’t know Alex…I don’t know.”
“You do Marlena…its inside of you…think…think.” Alex sat on the bed watching her, knowing he was so close to breaking her, breaking her mind.
Marlena closed her eyes not wanting him to see her tears. “I don’t want to remember Alex…please….please don’t make me remember.”
“Jules, this is really important. Just think back to that night and tell me what he said to you?”
“He didn’t say anything Alex…he didn’t talk…Ask Mason.”
“Mason?” Alex asked. “What the hell would Mason know about it?”
“Mason, help me,” she begged, “Please help me.”
“If you can walk a little further we’ll be to the logging road. Alex is waiting there with his father’s car…. We’ll drive into town.”
“And then what?” she asked as she fell to the floor of the forest and hugged her knees, trying to stay warm. “Then they find out what happened and we both go to jail.” Back and forth she rocked, trying to figure out a solution to this mess that she had gotten him into.
“I’ll tell my father what happened,” Mason naively tried to reassure her.
“It won’t work,” Julie said as she looked down at her blood and brain splattered clothes. Although she knew it was his brains and blood on her, she was strangely detached. The thought didn’t horrify her as much as she thought it should.
“Yes it will…once we tell the police what happened they’ll let us go.”
“Mason, you heard him, that man was the police…oh god, Samantha…I’ve got to find her,” Julie said as she stood up and started running through the woods back towards the house.
“There’s no time Julie.’
“I am not leaving my sister here.”
“Marlena,” Alex said as he slapped her lightly across the face trying to get her to come out of whatever she was remembering.
“Mason wasn’t there that night.”
“He was there Alex…I remember he was there,” Marlena said with conviction in her voice. She remembered him being there with her in the woods, trying to comfort her.
“He wasn’t there I was,” Alex told her, shocked that she was remembering Mason. He had spent years trying to fracture her mind so that she wouldn’t recall the events of that night in a sequential order. If he’d managed to fracture her mind enough, her memories would be so disjointed that no one would believe a word she’d say and she’d appear to be your run of the mill schizophrenic.
“No, you weren’t there…it was Mason…It was Mason.” Marlena stared to question her own memory. Was Mason there or was it Alex?
“No, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you again,” he said trying to act sympathetic. “Back to the original question, what did he say to you?”
Marlena closed her eyes, letting the memory of that night return. She saw herself hiding in the filthy living room closet of the shack. She crouched on the tips of her feet trying to avoid all the used hypodermic needles and empty miller lite cans strewn on the closet floor. Through the crack on the door she could see her father talking with three men. She recognized two of them as being frequent visitors to the house when her mother was alive.
“Slim, you are aware that your debt is substantial,” the younger man said to her father. She watched as her father nervously bit his nails and looked around the room.
She watched as her father said something to the man, but couldn’t make out what was being said.
“The police know, the FBI knows and now the DEA knows…You have brought us to the attention of the feds Slim…the fucking feds.”
Her father stood in place, staring at the closet door. Did he know that she was in there? She slowly back herself into the corner of the closet, closed her eyes and tried to become as small as possible.
She heard the muffled sounds of them talking and the dragging of their feet as they shuffled along the decaying floor. Suddenly the closet door flung open and she was pulled out of the closet by her hair. The burning in her scalp was incredible. She cried out in pain as she tried to grab onto his hand to let her go.
“Are you sure this is the one you want?” her father asked the younger man as he held her firmly by the hair. The younger man looked to the older man for guidance. He nodded his head.
Julie looked up at the men in disgust. There was something about the older man that was familiar to her.
“There’s a room out back if you’d like to use it,” her father offered without even looking at her. “Rules are rules, touching only, no intercourse….in exchange for forgiveness of my debt to you.”
The older man looked to the younger man and winked when he caught her eye. She recognized him. She knew who he was. Holy shit, she knew who the man was. She watched as the older man pursued his lips and narrowed his eyes, unsure of what to say.
As her father pushed her towards to man, he reached out and grabbed her by the arm. “You are a pretty one,” he said as he stroked the side of her face with his well-manicured hand. The older man took her small hand in his. His diamond encrusted wedding band shone brilliantly against the layer of dirt that covered her skin.
“You’d better treat this man here well Julie,” he told her. “This is my brother.”
She tried not to cry as she stood there before the men as they inspected her. She knew what they wanted and it sickened her to think what he was going to do, what his disgusting and perverted brother had already done to her. She was tired of feeling degraded and ashamed, tired of being used as currency to pay off her fathers growing debt. She didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
“Julie, treat this man nicely or else,” her father warned her. He left the room and returned with a can of beer, handing it to her.
“Drink this, it will make you feel better.” The men sat and watched her as she timidly opened the can, hands shaking, and proceeded to drink the beer. Its familiar taste slowly made its way down to her stomach. After drinking a quarter of the can, she was already feeling its effects.
Marlena opened her eyes, not wanting to remember. “I don’t remember,” she cried out. “I don’t, please untie me, please,” she begged Alex as her body betrayed her and she started hyperventilating. “UNTIE ME,” she screamed as she trashed in the bed.
“Julie, Marlena, stop,” Alex ordered her as he calmly stroked the side of her face just like her did when they were kids. “Jules, its okay,” he said softly.
“No,” she screamed out over and over. “It’s never going to be okay.”
Alex looked up to camera mounted in the corner for guidance. He couldn’t handle Julie when she got like this, only Mason was ever able to calm her down. Mason and John Black. “Help,” he mouthed to the camera praying that Mason was watching.
“Make it stop Alex, please make it stop,” Marlena begged him as she gasped for air. Alex knew that if he kept her calm long enough she would remember and he would get the answers that he desperately needed. Why did they ever cover-up what had happened?
Alex sat helplessly, stroking her face, trying to calm her down. Her breathing became more erratic and her skin eerily pale. “Just remember and it will all be over,” he suggested.
“No,” Marlena screamed. “I don’t want to fucking remember…It hurts too much.” She was wild, screaming at the ceiling, not at him, her body bucking up and down on the bed trying to get loose. A sudden searing pain in her head rendered her incapacitated. She closed her eyes unable to stop the memories from returning.
Julie ran through the dense forest as fast as her legs would carry her. Her pale pink sleeveless nightgown billowed behind her as she ran. Her feet hurt like hell from not wearing shoes but she was too frightened to stop running. She tripped on one of the many logs that were scattered amongst the forest floor. She fell to the ground, her knee hurting from where an errant rock cut into her skin. Her hands were filthy from trying to break her fall on the mud and leaves around her. She didn’t have time to inspect her scrapes and cuts.
“Julie” he yelled.
Julie looked around from where the voice was coming from and realized that he was still a quarter mile away. She had to reach the main road before sunlight. As she was getting up she glanced up at the position of the moon and guessed that she had a couple of hours until dawn. “Goddammit,” she muttered under her breath trying to be as quiet as possible. She felt liquid running down her leg; she assumed from the gash in her knee. With every step she took she felt a throb in her left leg. The forest was eerily silent and the abject darkness did nothing to calm her fears.
“Julie, come back here you bitch,” the man yelled, this time a little louder and more harsh. Julie knew that he’d lost his temper. She hadn’t meant to provoke him earlier but really had no choice. She was tired of being the victim and was determined to take control of his life for once. If he wanted her as much as he said he did, he’d have to catch her first. Tonight might be the night that her nightmare would finally end and she could find some peace. She wasn’t going to allow another one of her father’s drug dealing associates to touch her again.
“Julie, I know that you’re out here and when I catch you there will be hell to pay.” Julie continued to run, looking behind her, hoping to god that he couldn’t see her.
“Julie, I’m losing my patience with you,” he screamed. She instinctively knew that he was closing in on her. She continued to run for her life.
“You get back here now or I’m going to have my way with your sister Samantha” he yelled. She knew that he was now only a couple hundred yards behind her. She looked behind and saw a glimpse of his bare chest in the moonlight. She picked up her pace and yelled, “No, leave her alone,” as she continued to run.
“You little bitch,” he screamed at her.
“Leave me alone,” she yelled at him as she continued to run.
“Never,” he yelled back. “You belong to me. You’re daddy owes me a debt and you are it. I’m not leaving until you give me what’s mine.”
“Please,” she yelled as she ran. “Please, leave me alone.” She knew that he was quickly gaining ground on her, his legs being much longer than hers. It was only a matter of minutes before he caught her.
“Stop now you little bitch or you’re going to get it bad,” he yelled as he reached out to grab her nightgown. She could feel him breathing behind her, and lunged forward at the last minute. In her attempt to flee she tripped down a steep embankment headfirst. She felt cold water around her. She couldn’t see where she was. The forest canopy was thick, blocking out what little moonlight there was. She flailed around in the water trying to get her bearings. When she couldn’t touch the bottom she began to panic. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him slowly make his way down to the embankment to where she was.
“Please let me go. I won’t tell anyone,” she pleaded with him.
He was now ten feet from her and entering the water. She started moving herself backwards in the water, not knowing where she was or where the other side was.
“No, Julie. You belong to me now…Its my turn with you. I’ll let you go after you give me what due to me.” He started swimming towards her. She turned over and started swimming as fast as she could away from him. She felt him grab onto her long blond hair and pull her towards him. She continued fighting him as he grabbed her neck from behind and pulled her under the water. She struggled to come up to the surface but he prevented her from doing so. She kicked hard and connected with what she assumed was his shin. He lost his grip on her and she made her way to the surface grasping for air.
He pulled her body close to his, restraining her arms. She felt his legs kicking in the water to keep them buoyant.
“Julie, Julie, Julie,” he whispered into her ear as he held her tight. “Don’t you know by now that any attempt to escape is futile.”
“Please let me go.” She wasn’t going to beg him, not this time.
“Never. You are mine tonight.” She felt his hot breath on his neck and felt his arousal poking into her backside.
“After I’m done with you, we’re going to go back to the house and you are going to apologize to your father and my brother for your rude behavior.” He ground his erection into her buttocks.
“They are both asses. I won’t apologize.” She shook her head and tried to escape from his clutches.
He grabbed her face and squeezed her chin, “You will or I’ll drown you right here in this lake.” She knew that he was capable of doing it, but just didn’t know if she cared. “Like you did to my mother,” she yelled as she tried to get away from him.
He was livid as he spun her body around to face him. She fought to escape his grasp, but failed. He started swimming with her in his arms toward the shore.
“Stop fighting, it’s no use,” he threatened her. “Take off your nightgown,” he demanded once they reached the shore.
“No,” she said as she attempted to cover herself in the see-through fabric. She was dripping wet and shivering. He reached for her and she backed up.
“Take it off now,” he screamed at her and slapped her across the face. Her cheek stung from the impact. She was determined that she wouldn’t cry.
“No, I’m cold,” she said looking him in the eye.
“I said take it off. You either take it off willingly or I will.” He reached and grabbed the fabric of the nightgown and lifted it over her head. She stood silently waiting for him to make the next move.
“You are a beauty,” he said as he reached over and touched her breasts. Julie closed her eyes, hoping that the moment wouldn’t last long. He continued to stroke her, “Someday you are going to make a man a mighty fine wife, yes sir, you will.” He bent down and took her right nipple into his mouth and proceeded to suck on it.
“Aren’t you going to tell me to stop Julie? I want to hear you beg,” he said as he pulled her body towards his. She realized that he wasn’t wearing pants and closed her eyes tightly. “This too shall pass,” she thought to herself and she felt herself being lowered to the forest floor. She felt the roughness of the leaves against her back. She recited the periodic table of the elements in her head as she tried to ignore what was happening to her body. Suddenly he flipped her over. Dirt and leaves invaded her mouth and nose as he held her head tightly face first into the forest floor. She felt what she assumed were spiders and ants crawling on her. She tightly closed her eyes willing herself into another time and place where she was loved. He grabbed her with his other hand and lifted her hips toward him.
“No,” Julie screamed louder than she had ever screamed in her life. The pain was unbearable. She grabbed her chest trying desperately to get more air into her lungs. Tears streamed down her face.
“Get off of her you fucking asshole,” Mason screamed at the man. His hands were shaking as he held the stolen gun in his hands.
“Who the fuck are you?” the man asked as he continued pumping himself into Julie.
“Your judge and jury, asshole,” Mason said as he pointed the gun at the man’s head. “Get off her now,” he screamed.
“I wouldn’t do that son…you don’t know who you’re messing with,” the man said as he pulled out of Julie and stood up, adjusted himself and buttoned his pants. Julie laid on the ground with her hands over her head, wishing that she were dead.
“You wouldn’t shoot a US Congressman would you,” the man taunted Mason. “You see son, I am the law…If I were you I’d just go back to where you came from and pretend this never happened. I know who your pappy is…Dr. Jones, the town pharmacists isn’t it? And your momma, why she plays piano at the first Methodist church every Sunday morning…Don’t think you have the upper hand boy because you don’t.”
“Leave her alone,” Mason ordered again.
“Whatcha ya gonna do? Shoot me?” He laughed as he kicked some leaves and dirt on Julie. “She ain’t even worth it boy…she’s just a used piece of trash…you’re from a good family…I could get you a real nice woman if you’d just go away and forget what you saw,” he offered.
“Get away from her,” Mason ordered again as he removed the safety from the gun and pointed it at the congressman. “Now.”
Taunting him, the congressman got down on the forest floor and laid down on top of Julie. “Ready for round two sweetie,” he whispered in her ear. “I lied to that boy, you are a mighty fine piece of ass…what are you crying,” he laughed as he leaned down and whispered in her ear.
The sound of the gunshot echoed in the woods. Julie felt warmth of the mans brains and blood as they slowly dripped down the side on her head. She could faintly hear him gasping for breath. “25 68 99 210 83 22 1 7 9” he whispered to her as he took his final breath of air.
“No, “ Marlena screamed in terror. “No…No…No,” she continued screaming as she thrashed in the small bed. She didn’t want to remember, she didn’t need to know what happened, she didn’t want to know what happened. As she looked Alex in the eyes, she knew. She knew that most of her life had been a lie that Alex and Mason had manufactured for her. Nothing that they told her was real; she remembered what had happened.
“You lied to me,” she yelled at him, pissed. “You lied,” she screamed louder. “You lied.” Why did they lie to her? What were they hiding? What was she hiding that they both had gone to such lengths to cover up?
“Marlena, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I do Alex…you fucking lied to me….let me out of these restraints right now,” she demanded, fire in her eyes.
“Not until you tell me what he told you before he died,” Alex whispered as he leaned closer to Marlena and ran his fingers softly over her lips, enjoying the rough patches on her skin where his blood had dried. Laughing, he brought his fingers to his mouth and licked them.
Startled by the sound of someone banging on the door, Alex looked behind him. “North, what the fuck do you think you’re doing to my wife?” John yelled as he looked at Alex through the glass in the door, hate in his eyes.
Chapter 60a
“North, open the goddamn door now,” John demanded as he kicked the door and rattled the door knob. “Open it now,” he screamed, losing his patience. Marlena wasn’t visible to him, only Alex, which made him extremely uncomfortable. Peering through the glass he could see Alex moving on the bed and what looked to be Marlena’s legs tied down in restraints.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing to my wife? Get away from her…Guard, you had better open this door now before I rip your head off,” John screamed as he tried to get to Marlena. “Open the fucking door….Open it now.”
“Open it,” John continued yelling, trying to force the door open with his shoulder.
Suddenly the door opened and Alex North stood on the other side. “I’m having a therapy session with my patient, if you don’t mind,” Alex said smugly, amused by the frantic look on John’s face. He purposely stood in the middle of the door way blocking John’s access. This was going to be much more fun that he thought. John Black had been a major annoyance since the day he arrived in Salem and it was time for some payback. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come back during visiting hours.” He almost wanted to laugh at his own audacity. Mason was right where he wanted him; he had willingly placed John on the no access list, thinking it was his own idea. Just brilliant. Now all he had to do was get John out of the way, get the information he needed from Marlena and he would be long gone.
“Move it North,” John said he moved to the side of Alex where he could see Marlena. Alex moved right along with him, blocking his access and view.
“Move now,” John demanded, losing his patience.
“Guard,” Alex said calmly to the young rent a cop sitting behind the small standard issue government desk. “This man is not to have access to Ms. Evans…Please call the police and hospital security and make sure that he doesn’t enter the room,” Alex ordered as he firmly stood in the doorway and attempted to close the door.
Marlena saw the door starting to close and began to panic. “Help me John,” she yelled as she bucked against the restraints. It no longer mattered to her if John knew that she was a bigamist, that she had sex with Alex, that she was an awful imperfect person and not whom he thought he married. None of that mattered to her. What started over thirty-five years before needed to come to an end. She needed to get away from Alex and Mason and their questions.
As the puzzle pieces of her past slowly came together, she had a much clearer picture in her mind, as horrifying as it was, as to what the truth was. “John…John,” she screamed again.
The instant John heard Marlena’s cries for help he violently pushed Alex to the side and ran into the room, stopping short at the end of the bed in shock. One of Marlena’s eyes was swollen shut, blood all over her face and chest.
Horrified at the way Marlena looked, John immediately grabbed Alex from behind by his collar and thew him up against the wall, pinning him with one hand. “What the hell did you do to her?” John screamed in his face, unable to control himself. “What the fuck did you do to my wife?” As John stared in anger at Alex’s face he realized that some of the blood on Marlena belonged to Alex as his lip with swollen, split and bleeding. “What did you do to my wife,” John screamed in his face as he shook him.
“Guard, this man is attacking me,” Alex yelled, trying to summon help. As he glanced at Marlena lying pathetically on the bed he was pissed at himself for not getting the information he needed from her before John arrived. Two more minutes and he was sure that he would have gotten what he needed. Now he had to deal with the possibility that she remembered what had happened and would tell John who would ruin all their plans. Goddamn John Black.
“Shut the fuck up you low life scum,” John said as he punched Alex in the face and watched as he fell to the ground. “You think its okay to hit a woman?” John asked as he kicked Alex in the ribs. “Do you?” he screamed again as he kicked him.
“Don’t John, no,” Marlena pleaded knowing that this retribution, although well deserved, wasn’t going to solve anything. So many years, so much violence, no peace.
“No Marlena, that bastard hurt you and he’s going to pay,” John said as he repeatedly kicked Alex. Alex was in a fetal position on the floor, trying to protect his head from the torrent of John’s never-ending blows.
“Coward, why don’t you stand up and fight like a man,” John demanded of him, as he grabbed his arm and tried to pull him into a standing position.
“Stop,” Marlena cried out as she watched John repeatedly punched Alex in the face. “Stop….stop…stop.”
Fury took over his mind and body and he found himself unable to stop punching and kicking Alex. Over and over he beat him with his fists, kicked him with his boots.
“STOP,” Marlena screamed unable to take the scene in front of her any longer.
“STOP…STOP…STOP….STOP.” Turning her head to the side, she closed her eyes and silently cried.
“Stop…Stop,” Mason yelled at her as he followed her down the overgrown path, having no idea where he was or where she was going. The low lying trees were covered with Kudzu, vines hanging like wisps off the branches blocking what little moonlight there was.
“Stop, Julie…We’ve got to get out of here…The police are probably coming.” He was having a hard time keeping up with her as she gracefully ducked beneath low lying tree branches and jumped over logs. The silky paleness of her hair and milkiness of her skin as it occasionally caught the moonlight, in contrast to the darkness of the forest, gave her an ethereal presence. She was like a Greek siren calling out to him, ordering him to follow her.
She ran with purpose through the haunted woods towards her house, not caring if Mason was behind her or not. Disappointed with herself for not stopping all of this earlier, she was determined that it would all come to an end tonight. As she cleared the dense overgrowth that blocked the house from even aerial view, she came to a sudden stop.
“Julie, lets get Alex,” Mason suggested as he tried to catch his breath. Watching Julie out of the corner of his eye, he was amazed to see that she was quite calm, eerily so. Looking at the shack in fascination, he was at the same time terrified. He’d heard the stories, even joked about the occupants, but all this was before he met Julie. He knew why the no trespassing signs were posted and had been warned by everyone to stay away from the homestead, to stay away from Julie. Like a typical teenage boy, you couldn’t tell him anything. Caught up in the madness that was Julie’s existence, he wished desperately that he’d listened.
“No,” she said softly as she stared at the house and wondered what she was going to do. “Give me the gun,” she ordered as she reached for his hand.
“No,” he said as he backed up, scared of her. Her eyes were lifeless like always, cheeks sunken in, blood and grey matter splattered on her milky white skin. As he stared at her torn and filthy nightgown the enormity of what had happened sunk in. Unable to process the images in his mind, he silently sat down on the forest floor and handed her the gun.
As she reached out and touched the cold metal she felt empowered for the first time in her life. No one was going to hurt her or her sister again. Looking down at Mason sitting silently on the ground gasping for air and crying she was grateful for his friendship. It wasn’t fair that his life was now as fucked up as hers.
“Stay here,” she whispered as she leaned down and kissed him lightly on the top of his head, “I’ll be right back.” He had done so much for her tonight, it wasn’t fair to involve him in what was her problem. Slowly she walked towards the house, no longer able to feel the shards of stone and glass as they cut into her feet.
As she creeped along the back of the house she heard Samantha crying and the muffled sounds of a man. Opening the back door, she slowly entered.
“Did you show the man a good time?” her father asked as he turned on the kitchen light startling her.
She stared at him, unable to respond, the hand holding the gun behind her back.
“Cat got your tongue?” he asked as he retrieved a six pack of beer from the fridge.
She continued to stare, not sure of what she was going to do. Her legs started shaking, giving away her nervousness.
“What’s your problem girl?” he laughed as he sat down on the ripped vinyl covered chair. “Was he too much of a man for you?” he laughed as he opened a can of beer and drank from it.
“Here you look like you need one,” he said as he tossed her a can. Unable to catch it in time, the can fell to the floor.
“Fucking bitch, you’re wasting good beer,” he said as he ran to catch the can as it slowly hissed and a stream of beer shot up in the air from a puncture in the aluminum.
“Goddammit.” She watched, frozen in place, as he put his lips and mouth to the can and proceeded to suck on it. Knees knocking, she shut her eyes, trying not to remember the many times he did that to her.
“What are you a fucking deaf mute?” He laughed as he slammed the can down on the table smashing it. “Get your ass over here,” he demanded as he patted his lap.
“No,” she said as she shook her head. Never again.
“Bitch, do not disobey me,” he said as he gestured towards his lap once again.
As if in a trance she slowly walked to where her father was and sat down on his lap. “You remind me so much of your mother,” he said as he slowly stroked the side of her face and neck with his fingers. Scared to move, she held the gun tightly to her side. Lower and lower his hands roamed to where they cupped her breasts through the thin material of her nightgown.
“Stop.”
“What did you say to me?” he asked.
“Stop…don’t touch me,” she said softly, unable to look down.
“You fucking belong to me you little whore…don’t forget that…you will do what I fucking tell you to do…You belong to me, don’t you forget it.” He grabbed her face roughly and made her look at him. His dirty jagged fingernails dug into the tender skin of her chin.
“No.” Her voice was louder and more defiant.
She felt the sting as he slapped her hard across the face. “Do not disobey me Julie… If you’d behave and listen then I wouldn’t have to punish you.”
“I’m sorry,” she apologized, losing her nerve and falling back into old patterns. “I’m really tired and would like to go to bed.”
“Later, I need you to do me another favor.”
Closing her eyes, knowing what that favor was, she started to cry.
“Jules…don’t cry,” he said as he softly stroked her through her gown. “Five minutes with him…the usual….that’s all…a favor for me….a favor for your dad…five minutes.”
“Please don’t make me,” she said, trying to convince him to make this all stop.
“I can’t…I owe him too much money Jules, you know that…Just do what he wants and it will be all over with in five minutes…you don’t have a choice anyway, you know that…once he’s done with you, I’ll make it all better.”
She swallowed hard and her breathing increased as she gripped the gun tighter. She felt his hands move lower and lower on her body, coming to a rest mid thigh. Slowly he lifted the nightgown and moved his fingers up her bare thigh. She felt his hardness poking into her backside as he moved back and forth against her. Biting down on her bottom lip to keep from screaming out, she closed her eyes and tried to block out what was happening to her.
As she felt his hands move higher and higher, she heard her sisters terrified cries in the next room. With an inner resolve she didn’t know she had, Julie slowly brought the gun up to her lap. She wanted him to see the object, wanted him to realize that she was serious, wanted him to leave her alone.
“Stop,” she demanded as she clutched the gun.
“Where the fuck did you get that?” her father asked as he looked down at her hand clutching the gun. “Did you steal it, you little whore?”
“I said stop.”
“You ain’t going to do nothing with that gun…I ought to shoot your sorry ass for bringing it into the house…Why do you have to be so difficult?” He ignored her cries to stop and continued with his molestation.
Slowly she brought the gun up and pointed it past her own head at him. Not being able to see where she was pointing, she stopped when the barrel of the gun came into contact with what she assumed was his neck.
“I am going to kick your ass later for this,” he threatened. “Put the damn gun down now.”
“No.”
“Julie, I mean it…I am going to get the belt out tonight and beat your ass till it’s black and blue.”
“No.”
“Goddammit, you worthless piece of shit…This is all your fault…If you had fucking kept your mouth shut none of this would have happened, you realize that don’t you? You brought this on yourself Julie. This is all your fault.” She was sickened to realize that her defiance was a turn on for him. She felt his free hand move between their bodies and lower his zipper.
“No it’s not,” she whispered as her tears slowly ran down her face. How could he blame her for everything that had happened?
“Yes it is…do you hear your sorry ass sister in there crying? It’s because of you, no one else but you…You’ll never amount to anything.” He removed his hand from between their bodies and opened another can of beer. As he brought it up to his mouth, she felt the condensation from the can slowly drip onto her shoulder, one drop at a time.
“Please stop touching me,” she whispered, not caring if he heard her. “Stop touching me. Stop touching me. Stop touching me,” she screamed in her mind.
“Someone has to teach you, may as well be me…May as well enjoy it Jules…No one will ever love you…not once they know you.”
He was right; no one would ever love her. Closing her eyes, she fired the gun.
“No,” Marlena screamed. Shaking her head, she tried to stop the memories from returning, not wanting to remember. “No,” she whispered. “No.”
“John, stop it,” Roman Brady yelled as he ran into the room and grabbed John’s arm, preventing him from connecting with Alex’s face. The guard held onto Alex’s battered form and helped him out of the room. “Arrest that man,” Alex weakly demanded as he left with the guard, a sly smile on his face. This was going better than planned. John had attacked him and would be arrested, leaving enough time for Peter to come in and marry him and Marlena. By the time John got out of jail, he’d be long gone. It was brilliant.
“You should have let me kill him,” John said as he closed his eyes and brought his swollen fist up to his lips. “Look what he fucking did to her,” John said as he gestured to Marlena, noticing her demeanor for the first time in five minutes. He had been so consumed by hatred and revenge that he failed to notice the vacant look on her face and that her arms and legs were seizing.
“Oh god, Doc,” Roman said as he quickly walked over to where Marlena lay and started undoing her restraints.
“I can’t even look at her like that without wanting to bash his brains in…. What kind of man does that to a woman?” John asked.
“Marlena are you okay?” John slowly approached the bed; terrified that something was wrong with her. Her eyes were focused on something that he couldn’t see, her breathing uneven.
“No one will love me…no one will love me,” she whispered over and over between gasps of breaths.
Chapter 60b
“No one will love me…no one will love me,” Marlena whispered over and over between gasps of breaths for air. The statement, long ago heard and ever present in her mind had become a mantra of sorts over the years.
Roman looked on stunned, not really comprehending what had happened and what was happening. The empirical evidence suggested that Alex had assaulted Marlena and John had assaulted Alex. The when, how, where and who having been solved, Roman focused on the ever present looming question that seemed to grow bigger every day, the why. Temporarily drawn out of his introspection by Marlena’s chant, Roman needed some time to clear his head and figure out what was going on. “Let me go get something to clean her up with while you finish untying her,” Roman offered.
“Doc,” John said tenderly as he sat down on the side of the bed and untied one of her arms. “I’m here now baby…Everything is okay…You’re safe now Marlena.” John quickly worked to undo her other restraints and at the same time tried to reassure her that everything was going to be fine.
“Marlena, please wake up,” John said in desperation, as he slowly stroked the side of her face. Her eyes were unfocused and voice monotone in nature, her mind caught in a nightmare of its own making.
“Mar, please wake up… I need you,” John cried out as he laid down beside her on the blood soaked covers and took her frail form into his arms. “I can’t do this without you Doc, please come back to me…I need you…I love you.”
“No one will love me,” she whispered as her eyes tried to focus on his blue ones. “He was right, no one will ever love me.” She fought to control her mind as John’s face morphed into her fathers. “Why couldn’t you love me?” She asked him, his blue eyes sparkling in the light of the room. The drugs that Alex had pumped into her system were making it hard to focus and she had to fight to keep her eyes open.
“Doc?” John asked as he stroked her face, noticing that she visibly flinched and moved away from him.
Rolling away from him and out of his embrace, she sat in the corner of the bed and hugged her knees protectively. “Do you love me?” she asked, laying her head on her knees, looking directly at him.
“Of course Doc…more than anything in the world you know that…why would you ask me that?” John reached out to touch her arm and noticed that she closed her eyes and her breathing increased. “Marlena, what did Alex do to you? What did he say?” John’s questioning became somewhat frantic as he took in her calm demeanor, blood stained and swollen face. Her calmness had him concerned. Alex had just beat the crap out of her; she should be more upset and not so calm. Unless…
“Doc, has Alex done this to you before?” John asked as he tried to look into her eyes, trying to gauge the truth. For a second, she looked away and he knew, he knew. “Oh my god, the marks on your arms, he did that to you? Didn’t he?”
Resting her head on her knees, Marlena closed her eyes and said softly, “It’s all over John…nothing matters anymore.” She wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and wake up in a warm and clean bed, this day behind her.
“That’s bullshit…and you know it…If Alex North touched you in any way he needs to go to jail.” John studied her closely, expecting her denial. The steady sound of her breathing was her only reaction. “Doc…Doc…Marlena…You have to tell me the truth here…I need to know…Did Alex North touch you inappropriately the other night?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered, as she wiped away a tear that betrayed her.
“Doc,” John cried out in anguish as he gathered her tenderly into his arms and held onto her tightly.
“Please John…I need for you to let it go…What happened, happened and its over with,” Marlena pleaded with him as she laid her head on his shoulder, drawing comfort from his nearness.
“How can you be so unemotional about this and compartmentalize it…If he touched you, he needs to be punished. I’m going to fucking smash his face in if I ever see him again,” John said as he let her go and faced her. He was so angry at Alex and at Marlena’s complacency that he wanted to hurt someone. How could she sit there in front of him, one eye swollen shut and bruises on her arms, and act like nothing was wrong?
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s bullshit,” he yelled at her in frustration. He saw the signs that she was shutting down emotionally once again. “You aren’t going to do this….not anymore….not anymore….not ever again…We are going to talk about this…I can’t go back to the way things were with you before,” John said in anger as his voice rose louder and louder. Trying to calm himself, he paused for a deep breath of air before continuing in a much calmer voice. “Marlena, please talk to me, let me in…I’m begging you not to put that wall up again,” John pleaded with her, trying to reach her, trying to convince her that it was okay to share her feelings.
“Let it go John,” Marlena whispered, not wanting to look at John and see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. All she had ever managed to do was to hurt him.
“I can’t Doc….I can’t…What happened to us? We used to be so close and share everything Marlena, everything…You were my best friend and I was yours…We didn’t have secrets, we never did…You’d tell me everything…. What happened to that? What happened to us?” John had tears in his eyes and was openly sobbing. What happened to the soulmate connection they always joked about having? When did it stop and why?
“Life happened John, life happened.”
“Something else happened…” John started but was interrupted by Marlena.
“People change John, they grow apart.”
“Not us Doc,” John said loudly, disputing her claim. Why was she trivializing what they once had? “Marlena, what we have is a once in a lifetime kind of love…if anything we should be growing closer together, not further apart….it’s like I don’t know you anymore…As hard as I’ve tried to hang onto you, I can’t, I can’t….I don’t know who you are anymore…I don’t know what you are thinking…I’ve tried to be supportive of you during your memory loss…I’ve tried so hard, I really have….you probably have no idea how hard….But for what? For what? Please don’t shut me out again…. Please Marlena, I’m begging you to let me in…let me be there for you…let me know what you’re feeling…let me share your pain, let me share your sorrow, let me share your joy…let me share life with you…. Please.”
Marlena felt the pain and desperation in John’s words. She’d often wondered herself where that soulmate connection went. If she and John were destined to be together why was everything so hard? Now that everything was so much clearer in her own mind, she wondered why he was so blinded that he couldn’t see that his actions and hers were slowly tearing them apart over the years. Why couldn’t he see that she was slowly dying on the inside?
“I remember it all…Everything,” she cried out she wiped the tears from her eyes and sat back, silently staring at the white walls, seeing the pictures run through her mind against the stark canvas. “DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME AND SEE THE PICTURES IN A CONSTANT LOOP IN MY HEAD? ALL THE THINGS I’VE DONE, ALL THE PEOPLE I’VE HURT, INCLUDING YOU?” She screamed.
“Talk to me, tell me what you’re feeling, what you’re seeing,” John said as he held her in his arms, trying to be strong. He was grateful that she was opening up and being honest. Too many lies had been told and secrets kept over the years.
“Fine,” she screamed. “I fucking hate that you were unfaithful to me…and on my honeymoon…on my honeymoon…how could you do that to me?” Marlena broke down sobbing. John stared down at her blonde hair, incredulous that this had been eating at her for years and she’d never said anything. He had absolutely no idea.
“I hate that I’m jealous of them. I hate having these feelings. Kate and Hope are both supposed to be my friends, good friends, but deep down I hate both of them and wish that they were dead. How mean is that of me? How base? I Marlena Evans, supposed saint of Salem hates people. What would my priest think. “Oh Marlena you need to pray more…oh Marlena perhaps you should repent for your sins…oh Marlena you need to confess your sins.” Guess fucking what…Father Jansen couldn’t handle my fucking sins. Got that?” Just as soon as her outburst started, it ended. Marlena continued hugging her knees deep in thought.
John desperately wanted to reach her, doubting that she, that they, could ever move past the past. Were they cruelly condemned to have the same arguments, have the same issues for the rest of their lives?
“Marlena, you are human. No one expects you to be anything more. I sure as hell don’t.”
“You want to know who I am? Do you really want to know? Fine, I’ll tell you. It’s not like we have a future anymore John…I killed people and am going to jail…I know that…If it makes you sleep better at night, fine… What you did to me just validates what my father said about me all along. I am a no good worthless piece of shit that men will use, men will fuck, but never respect. An honorable man would never want me, why would he when he could have someone else, someone better.”
“Don’t say that,” John said as he grabbed her arms and shook her. “Don’t you say that about yourself. I have never thought that about you…You know that…If Roman or Don or Eugene were here they’d all say the same thing too. I look back at our time together as an honor and I’d do it all again with you.”
“Then why did you do it? Why did you break my heart? I thought you would be the one that saved me, that made everything right…But you weren’t, you couldn’t be, no one could…..deep down I’ve always thought that you didn’t love me enough…maybe I was good in bed, but not much else. Why else would you do that to me? Why did you cheat on me? Wasn’t I good enough for you? If our bond was so strong how could you have made love to Hope? How could you have made love to Kate? How could you have forgotten about me?”
“It wasn’t like that Doc…you know that….you have to know that…you are a wonderful woman that I worship…it wasn’t you Marlena, it was me,” John cried out devastated that his actions had been eating at her for years.
“I’m afraid to trust you John…I’m afraid to trust anyone…the one time I needed you, you weren’t there for me…you weren’t there,” Marlena said softly as she started crying again. All the emotions and memories that she had tried so hard over the years to compartmentalize, rationalize and store away were all clamoring for attention in her mind. She was confused and frightened and didn’t know where to start.
“What do you mean I wasn’t there?” John asked confused.
“It’s not important.” She didn’t want to have this conversation and never intended to tell John what happened, but was unable to control herself. Her psyche was demanding to be heard.
“The hell it is…Marlena, how can I make amends for something if I don’t know what it is? If I have hurt you in some way, I want to know…I need to know…you have to know that I would never intentionally hurt you…hell I’d hurt myself first….you mean everything to me, you have to know that.”
Emotions raw, Marlena looked up at him contemplating telling him the truth. What happened, happened. Talking about it wouldn’t change the circumstances. Would she further repulse John?
“Tell me Marlena, no secrets, please no secrets,” John begged.
Clearing her throat, Marlena tried to gather the courage to talk to John. “A couple of years ago when we weren’t getting along and always seemed to be fighting about Brady I came home from work late one night and wanted to talk to you.”
“And?” John hated that she wouldn’t look at him, but rather at the blank wall before her.
“You didn’t have time to talk to me…you didn’t have time.”
“I don’t remember that, sorry.”
“Well I do…I remember every detail of that night…I think I tried to block it out of my mind, but its now coming back to me with surprising clarity.”
“Why would you block out a conversation?” John asked, confused by her choice of words.
Not answering or acknowledging his question, she continued. “I can see myself enter the penthouse….you were on the phone…I waited patiently for you to finish your call…All I wanted was for you to take me into your arms and tell me that everything was going to be alright, for you to protect me, but you didn’t John…You asked me why I was crying and before I could answer made some offhanded remark about Brady upsetting me.” Marlena paused for a minute, lost in the memory. “It wasn’t that at all John, but you didn’t listen and you sure as hell didn’t look at me,” she cried out as she finally faced him. “How could you not have seen the bruises on my face, the rips in my clothing? How could you not have seen that I needed you and you weren’t there? How could you not have noticed my fear? How could you have so easily pushed me aside and discarded me for a fucking phone call? Do you have any idea how I felt in that one instance? Everything that my father ever said about me was true…I didn’t matter…I sure as hell didn’t matter to you, that’s for sure…”
“Marlena….” John tried to interrupt, alarmed at her hysteria. She was gasping for air and trembling.
“I was raped that night John…I was raped…I needed my husband…I needed you, but you weren’t there for me…Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Do you…Never before in my life did I feel some unwanted, so unloved….You walked out the door without so much looking back at me…Did you even notice in the days that followed that I was slowly dying inside? DID YOU?”
John felt the bile rise up in his throat as he stared at Marlena in shock. He knew the night she was talking about. A lead had come in on Stefano Dimera and he couldn’t pass up the chance to nail the bastard. He saw the tears and swelling on her face and assumed it was because she had been crying. “I’m so sorry,” he sobbed. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry,” he cried over and over again. “You’re the adult here, you’re the parent, why don’t you start acting like it,” he recalled saying to her as he slammed the door behind him. “Please forgive me Marlena…forgive me.” He placed his head in her lap and cried for himself and for her.
“Nothing matters anymore.” She said as she slowly stroked the side of his face, trying to commit the feel to memory. Her tears mixed with his as they both cried for the loss of what once was.
The opening of the heavy metal door startled both of them. Two plain-clothed officers quickly walked into the room, Roman Brady on their heels. Pulling out their badges they handed some paperwork to Roman. “Are you Marlena Evans?” one of the men asked her. She sat up in the bed and gestured for John to do the same.
“Yes,” she replied, holding onto John’s hand for support. She felt the nervous trembling of his fingers even though he tried to hide it.
“Marlena Evans, you are under the arrest for the murders of John Dimera, Rafael Torres and Channing Owens. You are also wanted for questioning in the deaths of Alexander North Sr., Sarah Jones, Malcolm Jones and Lindsey Jones. The governor of the state of Illinois has signed your extradition papers.”
Chapter 60c
“Marlena Evans, you are under the arrest for the murders of John Dimera, Rafael Torres and Channing Owens. You are also wanted for questioning in the deaths of Alexander North Sr., Sarah Jones, Malcolm Jones and Lindsey Jones. The governor of the state of Illinois has signed your extradition papers.”
“No,” John yelled as he held tightly onto Marlena. “She’s on a 72 hour hold. You can’t take her until it runs out.” John looked to Roman for help, who shrugged his shoulders helplessly.
“Sir, that’s normally the case unless the governor intervenes, which he has here,” the US Marshall informed John as he removed his handcuffs from his back pocket.
“No, I won’t let you take her,” John said as he stood up and blocked Marlena from them. “Over my dead body…She stays here for now.” Roman recognized the look on John’s face and knew that he was capable of resorting to violence if needed. He quickly moved between John and the men.
“Sir, you don’t really have a choice… We have our orders,” the younger man added.
“Look at her… Look at her,” John said as he moved to the side and pointed down at her on the bed. He wanted them to see the blood on her, the swollen eye, and the bruises on her face and arms. They needed to see her and see that she wasn’t a danger to anyone. Even though she had admitted to the crime, John was still having an incredible time believing it.
Marlena sat quietly on the bed, arms wrapped protectively around her knees and stared at the men before her. She knew that this day was coming when they would find her, she just didn’t realize that it would be so soon. She just wanted to see her children before they took her away forever.
“Sir, I understand you’re upset, but we have our orders…We can either do this the nice and easy way or I can arrest you.” The US Marshall stood up to his full 6 foot 6 inch height to let John know that he meant business.
As John stood to his full height challenging the Marshall, the names on the warrant ran through his head. John Dimera? Rafael Torres? Channing Owens. Who the hell were these men and why did Marlena kill them? Was John Dimera related to Stefano? Rafael Torres? Channing Owens? Who the hell were these men? More importantly, why did Marlena kill them? There had to be a mistake…Marlena couldn’t have killed anyone.
The Marshall stood before John and moved closer, prepared to physically move him if he had to.
John continued the stare down, right eyebrow raised a little higher than the left, letting the Marshall know that he meant business and wasn’t going to give up. Too much was at stake her…Marlena was at stake. The names continued to puzzle John. Alexander North Sr.? He had to be the father or grandfather of Alex North. Why would Marlena be wanted in the questioning of his death? None of this made sense. Sarah Jones? Malcolm Jones? Lindsey Jones? Were they members of the same family? Were they related to Marlena’s new doctor, Dr. Jones? The more John thought about the connections, the more confused he became. All the while, Marlena mutely sat.
The sharp shrill of John’s cell phone interrupted the showdown between John and the US Marshall. “Black,” John quickly said into the phone, recognizing the name on the display.
“John, this is Shane Donovan,” Shane said into his cell phone, hoping that John would hear the urgency in his voice and take the call.
“Shane this isn’t a good time,” John said as he watched as one of the men handed Marlena an orange prisoner jumpsuit and asked her to put it on over her hospital gown.
“John, this is important…A call came into ISA five minutes ago alerting us that the governor of Illinois signed Marlena’s arrest warrant and extradition papers.”
“I know…How the hell did that happen? We were told we had 72 hours Shane,” John said angrily, frustrated not at Shane, but at the situation. He watched as Marlena stood up and started to put the jumpsuit on, a helpless look in her eyes.
“Fuck no…Don’t put it on,” John ordered Marlena “Shane, who the hell are John Dimera, Rafael Torres, Channing Owens, Alexander North, Sarah Jones, Malcolm Jones and Lindsey Jones. Don’t tell me that you don’t know because I know you do…seems everyone knows more about my fucking wife than me,” John yelled into the phone. He was beyond pissed at what was happening before him. As he looked at Roman in the corner silently chatting with one of the men in suits he became enraged. Why did Roman fucking Brady get to know more about what was going on with Marlena than he did? As his gaze shifted from Roman to Marlena, he watched as she complied with the US Marshall and put on the jumpsuit. His mind briefly flashed back to the last time he saw her in a prisoner uniform: when she was arrested and accused of being the Salem serial killer. God what he’d do to relive that again, anything to get them out of the nightmare of the present?
“Calm down John and listen to me…An FBI agent and a US Marshall are there in the room right now to take her, right?” Shane asked, needing to distract John from his line of questioning. He didn’t have time to explain to John the complicated sequence of events that the ISA were only now beginning to understand.
“Yeah, they’re here now,” John said as he eyed the men suspiciously, not questioning how Shane knew that.
“Good, she’s probably the safest with them right now…I’m downstairs…let them take her and meet me out front.” Shane checked the rearview mirror of his car to make sure that he wasn’t being followed.
“No Donovan…They aren’t taking her…This is not going to happen, that’s a fact.”
“John listen to me…I don’t have time to argue with you…let the men take her and meet me out front of the building right now. I’m in an unmarked black BMW with tinted windows…I’ll flash my lights…Hurry,” Shane ordered, trying to convey the urgency of the situation.
“No fucking way, I’m going with her,” John said as he looked sympathetically at Marlena who appeared to be either in shock or resigned to what was happening to her.
“John, no you aren’t…your wife is under arrest, don’t you get that? Trust me on this John…let the men take her and meet me out front.” Shane disconnected the call and threw the phone down on the passenger seat hoping that John Black would listen to him. Goddamn Stefano Dimera and Maxwell Owens and their fucking war with each other. God help Marlena for inadvertently being in the middle of it and not even knowing it. How the hell was he going to get her out of this mess?
John threw the phone on the bed in frustration and yelled, “Dammit.” He walked over to the padded wall and hit it with his fist as hard as he could. “Dammit,” he screamed. “Dammit.”
Hearing Marlena gasp at his outburst of violence he slowly turned around and faced her. “John, please don’t do this…please.”
“I can’t help it Marlena…Don’t you know its killing me inside that this is happening to you? Why are you so calm about this?”
“We need to get going now,” the US Marshall interrupted. Marlena held her hands up trying to stop the US Marshall from cutting short the precious little time she had left with John. “John, promise me you’ll tell Rachel and Noah that I love them and you’ll tell them all about me as they grow up…let Sami, Eric and Belle know that I’m okay and that I love them.”
“You are not giving up Marlena…You’re going to watch those babies grow up and it won’t be from a jail cell…I promise you that….I’m going to have the jet fueled up and we’ll be waiting for you in Colorado…I’ll call your parents and let them know what’s happened.”
“No John, no…I don’t want them involved…I don’t want anyone else involved in this…I don’t want you to go to Colorado or anyone else,” Marlena pleaded with him, tears in her eyes. It was bad enough having John see her dressed and treated like a criminal, she couldn’t bear the thought of any of her children seeing her like this.
“You aren’t going to jail…I’m going to hire the best defense attorney in the United States, hell I’ll hire a Supreme Court justice if I have to… Everything will be okay.”
“No John, this isn’t going to trial…I don’t want this to go to trial…I’m going to plead guilty.” Marlena watched as the color drained from John’s face. She didn’t want to hurt him but knew what going through the trial would do to her family. She knew the truth of what had happened, but didn’t want her family and friends to know. It was easier for them to think of her as a murderer than as a highly dysfunctional adult with serious psychoses that were a direct result of an abusive childhood. No one would understand what she had been through and the choices and alliances she’d made.
“No you won’t,” John yelled at her. “No you won’t…I will not allow you to throw away your life, our life and our future.” He wanted to grab her and shake her and make her change her mind. Why was she giving up on them so easily?
“John, I’m guilty,” Marlena exasperated. She wondered why he was in such denial about this. He needed to accept the truth.
“There had to be a reason Marlena…I’m sure that once the courts hear what that reason is, they’ll let you off.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt you, but we need to take her in now,” the US Marshall said as he approached Marlena as she finished zipping up her jumpsuit. “Ms. Evans, please slowly bend over and put your hands on the bed. Agent Ozuna is going to pat you down to make sure that you don’t have anything that can be used as a weapon on your person,” the man instructed her. John watched helplessly as Marlena complied with his orders. Once the agent was finished patting her down Marlena was ordered to stand up and put her hands behind her back and was subsequently cuffed.
“Don’t do this to her,” John begged the man. “Please, she’s innocent… She is.” John looked out of the corner of his eye at Roman who stood helplessly by allowing this to occur.
“I’m sorry sir, but we have our orders,” Agent Ozuna said as he stepped forward and took Marlena by the arm.
She looked helplessly at John and whispered, “I love you John,” as she was led from the hospital room. John tried to follow them out of the small room but Roman blocked John’s path, anticipating that he would try to stop the extradition.
“Stop pal, I need to get to her…I need to stop this…this is all a mistake,” John said as he pushed against Roman’s chest to get him out of the way.
“John, let them do their job.”
“How can you just sit there Roman…you loved her once…how can you let them take her to jail?” John cried out.
“John, you have to calm down man… Please…Shane will explain everything.”
At the mention of Shane’s name, John remembered their earlier conversation. “Shit, we need to meet him out front,” John said as he pushed Roman out of the way and ran down the hallway.
Chapter 60d
“Shane, you better fucking tell me what’s going on now,” John said as he opened the passenger side door of the unmarked BMW and quickly sat down, closing the door behind him. Roman opened the rear passenger door and sat directly behind John.
“Good to see you John, wish it were under better circumstances,” Shane said as he looked into his side mirror and noticed that he was being followed by a dark blue Mercedes. “Shit, we’re being followed,” he told the men.
“Who are they?” John asked as he adjusted his side mirror so that he could see. Sure enough, about five hundred feet behind him was the Mercedes, the driver trying to act like he was reading a newspaper.
“Bloody hell if I know, NSA maybe?”
“NSA?” Roman asked? “What would the National Security Agency be doing following you?”
“Not us, Marlena,” Shane said as he slowly pulled into the flow of traffic, alternating watching his side and rear view mirror’s for his chance to lose the tail.
“Shane, you have to help me out here. What the hell is going on? My wife tells me that she killed 3 people, the US Marshall’s show up with an extradition signed by the governor of this state, you call me and tell me to let the Feds take her and now we’re being followed…What the hell is going on?”
“John this is all a mess…a major mess,” Shane said in frustration. “Bloody hell, this driver is good,” Shane remarked as he swerved from lane to lane, the tail mimicking his movements.
“Don’t just tell me it’s a mess, explain it to me,” John demanded. “Brake here and go down this alley,” John said pointing the way to Shane.
The car came to a sudden stop as both Roman and John moved forward in their seats, John bracing his hands against the black leather dashboard. Shane expertly maneuvered the car into and down the narrow alley. Roman winced as the car came inches from scraping the sides of buildings at times.
“Left here.” John pointed and watched as Shane gripped the steering wheel and turned quickly.
“Think we lost them,” Roman said, looking behind him.
“Wonderful, but where are we?” Shane asked, unfamiliar with the area that John had directed them in.
“Garment district… With a couple of turns you’ll come out at First Street…So Donovan, back to my wife…What the hell is going on?”
“John, I honestly don’t even know where to start with this one…In the glove box is a file… Could you please remove it and hand it to me,” Shane asked while looking in the rear view mirror, hoping that they had indeed lost the blue Mercedes.
Roman scooted forward in his seat and watched as John opened the glove compartment. “Here,” John said as he pulled out the red file and handed it to Shane. Shane placed the file on his lap and pulled out a stack of 8 by 10 black and white photographs. The word classified was stamped in large red block letters across the top of each photo.
“Top photo is John Dimera.”
“Related to Stefano?” John asked, wincing at the crime scene photo. The decedent was lying on a trash-strewn floor, pants down to his knees, and half his head blown off.
“Estranged brother,” Shane said. “The bloke was about 10-15 years older than Stefano, no exact date of birth on him…”
“Oh my god, this is Marlena’s father,” John gasped interrupting Shane as he closely inspected the photo. This man was missing half his face but looked eerily similar to the man in the picture that Marlena was clutching on the pier.
“No way,” Roman said reaching forward to take the picture from John. “Oh my god it is her father,” Roman confirmed, confused.
“Marlena is a Dimera?” John and Roman asked at the same time.
“So it seems,” Shane remarked, still having a hard time grasping that information.
“Julie Dimera, that’s who she is…What the fuck?…I’m having a hard time believing this pal.” John leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, trying to process this information. Marlena Evans, his wife, was the niece of Stefano Dimera. Why couldn’t he escape the Dimera family?
“These two photos are of Rafeal Torres and Channing Owens,” Shane said as he placed the pictures on John’s lap.
“This is the North family…I’m sure you’ll recognize the son if you age him 30 years,” Shane added as Roman grabbed the photo from him.
“My god,” Roman muttered, “That’s Alex North.”
“Right, and in this picture you’ll see your wife’s new psychiatrist, Dr. Mason Jones,” Shane said trying to watch the road while pointing at Mason.
John snatched the picture out of Shane’s hands and inspected it. “What the hell?” John was confused not knowing what to think. The prepubescent and somewhat cherubic face of Mason Jones stared back at him.
“The people with him, all deceased. Father, mother and sister…”
“Marlena is wanted for questioning in their deaths…Why? …What the hell is going on Shane?”
“Let me start at the beginning….You said turn here right?” He asked as he turned down another alley that led to the thoroughfare. He was praying that John knew where he was going.
“Yeah,” John said as he briefly glanced up and then went back to studying the pictures, particularly the crime scene photos. There was no way that Marlena was capable of all that violence. No way.
“I’ll tell you all that I know, but this information is not to be repeated to anyone…Too many lives are at stake if the Torres, Owens or Dimera families find out that Marlena Evans is really Julie Dimera…Agreed?” Shane waited till both men agreed to the terms before continuing. “John Dimera was a drug dealer, no surprise….He was just your run of the mill junkie, but not what you yanks call a player…As you already know, John Dimera and his lovely common in-law wife were not the best parents…Hit their kids, your normal abuse…The fourth grade teacher turned them into child protective services and Julie and Samantha were removed from the home…Here’s the initial report,” Shane said as he handed it to him. The fact that it was stamped OFFICIAL COPY was not lost on John. John quickly scanned the report, disgusted by some of the allegations. “They were initially placed in foster care while the parents went through court ordered parenting and anger management classes…Six months later they were returned home.”
Shane reached into the folder and handed him a photo. “Oh my god,” John cried out. “Is this her?” The picture was one that the school had taken of her and Samantha. Both girls were neatly dressed, hair in pigtails, front teeth missing. This was the first and only picture John had ever seen of Marlena as a child.
While John stared at the picture in awe, Shane continued. “A couple months later they were once again removed from the home…this time because John was picked up for intent to sell…John Dimera was going by the name of John Dixon, which is why no one caught who he really was….Once the DEA found out that local PD had caught John Dimera they really started investigating. Mysteriously, Mrs. Dimera who was pregnant at the time was found floating in the family pond….DEA wanted to pop Dimera and to send a message to the Torres crime ring so they arranged for one of their operatives to be the foster parents of the girls….Enter Frank and Martha Evans, formerly known as Frank and Martha Smith.”
“Let me guess….FBI?” John asked.
“No ISA…Frank was to work on getting the information the FBI and DEA needed from Samantha and Marlena about their father and his associates…by this time the DEA got off their arses and figured out that he wasn’t a low level player as suspected…what Frank didn’t count on was he and Martha bonding with the girls…He spent months working on getting the information from Samantha who records show was the more vocal of the twins…Marlena apparently didn’t talk much…Unfortunately Frank was unable to get the information he needed from Marlena and Samantha in time and was unable to use his contacts to keep the girls out of the house.”
“So back they went to their low life son of a bitch abusive father,” John said disgusted by the failure of the system to protect his wife.
“Correct, both girls spent almost two years with John Dimera before he was killed and they were permanently removed from the home and adopted by Frank and Martha.”
“How the hell could the FBI, DEA and ISA knowingly send my wife back to that abusive asshole?” John was lived. “He fucking raped her.”
“What?” Shane asked as he braked the car hard and stared at John. “What did you just say?”
“You heard me, he raped her.”
“I had no idea,” Shane stated in shock. “Is this true Roman?” Shane looked behind him to Roman for confirmation.
“Yeah.”
“Why the bloody hell didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Not my place to,” Roman frankly said, wishing that he didn’t know as much as he did.
“Oh my lord…what a mess,” Shane said as he wiped the sweat from his brow, now understanding why she killed John Dimera. This changed everything…He was certain that if the ISA knew they could have prevented returning the girl to the house.
“Assuming that Marlena did this to her father,” John said as he held up the grisly photograph, “What was the connection to these people…why were they killed?”
“Unfortunately only Marlena and I’m suspecting Alex North and Mason Jones can answer that,” Shane said as he looked at his watch.
“Where are they taking Marlena?” Roman asked.
“Airport…she’s being extradited to Colorado as we speak,” Shane informed the men.
“Why can’t the ISA stop it? None of this makes sense Shane…How long have you known that Marlena was a Dimera?”
“Honestly, ISA just found out this afternoon.”
“What? How could you not have known?”
“John you have to understand that the circumstances surrounding John Dimera’s death and Channing Owens death…”
“Who were Torres and Owens,” John interrupted.
“Rafael Torres was with the Torres crime ring. They controlled all of the drug trafficking on the west coast…the family still does to this day…Same thing with Owens…His family, although masquerading as law abiding upstanding citizens controlled most of the drug trafficking on the east coast….add a Dimera to that mix and you can see why the ISA, FBI and DEA were very interested.”
“Holy shit.” Roman sat back and contemplated what he had just learned.
“You have to understand that when Dimera was killed, the girls were immediately placed with Frank and Martha who adopted and changed their names…Some people in very high places went to great lengths to hide the girls from the Torres, Owens and Dimera families….Why is the unknown….Maybe the girls knew something? … Just pure speculation on my part as its not in the record.”
“Roman, pal, you’re awfully quiet back there, care to fill us in on what’s missing?” John asked.
“I’m sorry John, can’t help you,” Roman said.
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Can’t…Don’t know much more than what Shane has already said.”
“I don’t get why her identity is a surprise to everyone now…how could you all not have known?”
“John, someone went to extraordinary lengths to erase Samantha and Marlenas existence…here,” Shane said as he tossed some more papers and photos into John’s lap.
“These are death certificates and crime scene photos of Marlena and Samantha…what the hell?” John closely looked at the photos of Marlena and Samantha lying side by side in a grassy meadow, bullet wounds to the front temple. The photos looked very real.
“Someone wanted everyone to think that the girls died…in the sequence of events, this occurred after the North and Jones family murders…ISA knows that Marlena wasn’t involved in those murders…The Torres, Dimera or Owens families took them out in an effort to find the girls….ISA knew that if they allowed the girls to remain “alive” they would always be in jeopardy….We worked with some informants to create the illusion of their death, spreading separate rumors that Owens and Torres murdered them….worked like a charm but inadvertently set off a crime war between the three families that continues to this day.”
“Wow.” John was speechless.
“Every trace of Julie Dimera and Samantha Dimera’s existence was systematically erased…ISA gathered all original records including all the paperwork relating to their placement with the Smith family….Frank and Martha changed their last name to Evans and were relocated and given a new identity.”
“Alex North and Mason Jones…how do they fit in?”
“Classmates of Marlena and Samantha…a couple years ahead of Marlena in school….We think that Marlena and the Jones boy were involved romantically….we don’t know for sure….Jones and North were best friends….Both their fathers were involved in the drug ring….This surveillance report shows that North laundered money for Dimera….Jones was somehow involved, but I’m not sure how.”
“God this is complicated.”
“Someone went to extraordinary lengths to cover it all up.”
“What was the order of the deaths?” John asked.
“Owens, Dimera, Torres…all in the same evening at the Dimera homestead….North was murdered a month later, car blown up.”
“And the Jones family?”
“Lets see,” Shane said as he took out another sheet of paper and scanned it quickly before handing it to John. “Two months later they were killed execution style.”
“Why not the boys?”
“They were nowhere to be found….after the Owens, Dimera and Torres murders they went into hiding or were hidden, we aren’t sure…North appeared years later, connected to the Owens family…Jones appeared to be the smarter of the two and stayed hidden a little longer….for some reason both men did go to medical school and are doctors….ISA thinks that the boys weren’t taken out later because they had some leverage over all three families and that they were worth more alive than dead…Just so you know, North and Jones left the hospital moments before the Marshall’s arrived, someone tipped them off…the question is who and why…we have another car following them.”
“Fucking A,” Roman muttered. “North knew where she was all along…he had to have known,” Roman stated thinking back to Alex’s initial involvement with Marlena years before. She seemed to trust him implicitly and now he knew why. “He was her psychiatrist a long time ago Shane…maybe that’s why he came to town…she may have blocked something subconsciously relating to the murders or something else and he wanted to retrieve it.”
“Maybe,” Shane said as he checked his watch once again. 22:15.
“Officer Simmons said the gun was stolen from Frank Evans… How did Marlena get it?” John asked as he reconstructed Marlenas past in his mind, looking for the loophole that would absolve her.
“We aren’t entirely sure, but think that it occurred when Marlena ran away from home after the death of her mother to the Evans’ for help…Frank believes that the gun disappeared during that visit…He didn’t know the gun was missing until after the murders…for obvious reasons ISA kept Denver PD from connecting the missing gun and the murders, although we knew all along that the gun was the murder weapon in the first three murders only.”
“Does ISA know who committed the murders?” Roman asked.
“Marlena confessed to the three murders Roman, remember?”
“This is a mess Shane,” Roman said stating the obvious.
“As ISA why wasn’t I told who my wife really was?” John asked.
“Or me,” Roman added.
“No one knew…The cover-up goes all the way to the top of ISA….when I was placed in Salem and I’m sure when Roman was, we were provided files on the residents…There wasn’t a file on Marlena…I would have remembered if there was.”
“And it wasn’t until North showed up that I started digging into his past,” Roman added. “Now it all makes sense…the missing information in her files, the secrecy of the ISA concerning information on her.”
“What about the juvenile court records on her? Do they exist or were they also doctored?” John asked, now concerned with where the truth ended and the lies began and where the lies ended and the truth began.
“Who knows…we’ve only begun to unravel this…I can tell you that when the call came in confirming her identity, agents were sent out across the United States to complete the cover-up…If the records do exist, I can get a copy of them.” Shane looked at his watch again as he maneuvered the car onto the interstate and headed out of town.
“So what do we do now?” John asked.
“There is nothing we can do….this is totally out of our hands right now….I was given orders to bring you in John and was ordered not to interfere with the US Marshall’s and the FBI….this is much bigger than you realize.”
“Obviously,” John smirked.
“John, has Marlena ever mentioned a man named El Diablo?” Shane asked.
“Not that I know of why? Who is El Diablo?”
“No way man…no way,” Roman exclaimed from the back seat. “You aren’t suggesting that El Diablo was involved in this?”
“Who the hell is El Diablo?” John asked confused by the looks that passed between Shane and Roman.
“They’re going to kill her Shane…OH MY GOD,” Roman exclaimed in shock, trying to comprehend this information. “Oh god…oh god…oh god…”
“Who the hell is El Diablo?” John yelled, interrupting Roman’s muttering.
“El Diablo is the head of the Owens crime family…one of their more elusive members….Interpol and ISA have been secretly working together for years collecting evidence of his involvement…He’s what you yanks refer to as Teflon….a lead comes in and the source is killed or the papers connecting him to the crime disappear…nothing has been able to stick.” Seeing what appeared to be another car following them Shane, stepped on the gas and swerved in and out of lanes to put as much distance between him and the other car.
“The only evidence we have of his involvement are fingerprints taken from the Dimera house by the local PD after the murders…. Naturally, the originals turned up missing days later, but unbeknownst to El Diablo, ISA had been provided with a copy of the prints…We know he was there, but why?”
“And Marlena is the only one that knows why he was there.” Roman was in shock. El Diablo’s involvement complicated the matter even more. Marlena’s statement about not wanting this to go to trial all made sense. She knew who El Diablo was and probably thought that if she quietly pled guilty she’d have the best chance for survival.
“Who is this El Diablo?” John asked.
“Your president, Maxwell Owens.”
Author’s note: Thanks for the many kind words of encouragement and support for my story over the last five months…As you know, the story was started as a response to the amnesia storyline and my dissatisfaction as to the way it was being played out on screen. The potential for the story was always there, the writing and plot being awful. I only intended for my story to be a couple chapters but somewhere along the way, it took on a life of its own and went in directions I never could have imagined.
Inspiration comes in many ways and forms. I’ve been inspired by your kind words of encouragement and support, by the beauty of montages that reminded me what was possible with John and Marlena and by the work of my fellow J&M fan fic writers. I consider myself privileged to post right along side some terrific writers.
I hope you enjoyed reading my story as much as I did writing it. Special thanks to Zanne, Lo and Tammy for keeping me from being lazy.
Chapter 61 – Epilogue
“Memory and forgetfulness are as life and death to one another. To live is to remember and to remember is to live. To die is to forget and to forget is to die. Everything is so much involved in and is so much a process of its opposite that, as it is almost fair to call death a process of life and life a process of death, so it is to call memory a process of forgetting and forgetting a process of remembering. There is never either absolute memory or absolute forgetfulness, absolute life or absolute death. So with light and darkness, heat and cold, you never get either all the light or all the heat out of anything. So with God and the devil; so with everything. Everything is like a door swinging backwards and forwards. Everything has a little of that from which it is most remote and to which it is most opposed and these antitheses serve to explain one another.” Samuel Butler
I watch her on the beach, blond hair blowing in the gentle summer breeze. She places one bare foot cautiously into the surf, is if it was fire and would burn her. Squealing, she withdraws her foot and runs up past the tidal mark. The breeze clearly defines her shapely legs as the wind whips the fabric of my favorite red gingham sundress around her. If for just one moment, she is at peace.
I watch, committing every detail that is her to my memory. She stops and bends down to pick up a seashell, exactly what I can’t see from this distance. Bringing it closer to her body she appears lost in thought as she looks at it. I wonder if she’s remembering a shell like this found in a childhood long forgotten. Is she happy?
Suddenly she brings it up to her mouth and gently kisses it. As quickly as she kisses it, I watch in wonderment as she tosses the shell as hard as she can into the depths of the ocean.
Turning, she runs towards the house where she sees me. From the way her face lights up I feel like the luckiest man in the world. How is it possible that I John Black get to experience the amazing love this woman offers? She’s still a couple hundred yards from me, when she looks down shyly, breaking our connection. I have to laugh at this shyness she has suddenly developed over the last two months. Before, my Marlena had no inhibitions, but ever since she started remembering her past, little things that never would have bothered her suddenly embarrass her. I understand that this is part of the healing process for her, that in order to go forward she has to revisit the past. As she discovers who she once was, all those little facets of her personality that she repressed are coming to the surface in surprising and wondrous ways. Each day is an adventure, a gift.
If you’d asked me two years ago if it were possible to love my wife anymore than I did, I would have told you that it wasn’t possible, that everything about her was perfect. I was wrong. This Marlena, my Marlena, is so much more complicated and deep. As I discover more and more about her and what makes her unique, I’m finding that I’m falling in love with her more and more every day.
I see John watching me from the veranda, looking at him, knowing that he is mine still brings butterflies to my stomach. The summer sun has turned his hair a lighter shade of brown that blows softy in the breeze. His deep tan is striking against the white T-shirt and cut off shorts he’s wearing. I still can’t believe that this man is mine. After all this time my heart still skips a beat when I really look at him.
I break our contract, scared of my bodies’ reaction to him. As I sit down in the hot sand and stare at the waves, I wish that I could be the woman he thinks I am. He always used to tell me that I was the strongest woman that he’d ever known. How I wish that were the case. I always imagined what it would be like to be that woman, but know that she’s not me. I’m not her and I will never be. I am me, flaws and all.
I pick up a handful of sand and stare at it, mesmerized by the uniqueness of each grain. Smiling, I realize the similarities between John and the sand. Each grain is individual and unique, no one like the other. Separately, they are inimitable, combined with others they make something amazing. I so desperately want to be part of that beach, part of John, but there are so many other things pulling me away.
As the wind blows the sand through my fingers I try to hold onto a few grains. Looking over my shoulder I see that John’s still in the same spot watching me.
I never wanted to hurt him, but I know that I have. In my efforts to avoid facing what was inside of me all along, I said and did hurtful things not to just John, but to a many of my family and friends.
Would I go back and change the way I did things in the past? Sure, there are a million things I could have done better or differently. I have a lifetime of regrets and always will. But that’s okay. Slowly I’ve begun to accept who I am.
There is a part of me that will always be that little girl who just wanted her mom and daddy to love her. A part of me will always be the wife who wonders deep down why she wasn’t enough for her husband and why he had to seek comfort in the arms of another woman, regardless of the reason. There is a part of me as a mother that will wonder if the choices I made over the years and my expectations somehow created barriers that have prevented my children from achieving their full potential. There is also a huge part of me that will always feel incomplete and wonder what other memories lie below the surface of my mind just waiting for the opportunity to make themselves known.
Most people that have suffered from the type of amnesia that I had eventually recover what appears to be their missing memories and are able to resolve the conflicts that caused the amnesia. However, some people never break through the barriers that prevent them from reconstructing their missing past. I guess that I’m one of the lucky ones. I will always have gaps in my memory, but that’s okay. My memories don’t define who I am, I do. How I live, who I love, that defines who I am.
“Hey pretty lady,” John says to me as he gently places his warm calloused hands on my shoulders. I breathe in deeply, thankful for the contact, his familiar musky scent mingling with the salty ocean smell. Not even needing to turn around, I imagine him smiling, having long ago memorized every detail of his wondrous face.
“What are you thinking?” He asks me as he sits next to me in the hot sand. I stare sheepishly at his tanned legs, the memory of them wrapped around mine in passion last night still on my mind. Nervously I look up at him. “Just how much I love you,” I tell him truthfully. His face lights up in a smile and I am grateful that after everything that we’ve been through that he’s here beside me.
“Love you too,” he tells me as he leans over and kisses me gently. My heart skips a beat as I stare into his blue eyes for the nanosecond before my eye lids automatically shut and my mouth slightly parts waiting for that connection. As his lips touch mine in the tenderest of kisses, I have to remember to breathe. Breaking the connection he takes my hand in his.
“I spoke with Shane a little while ago.”
Words are not necessary. He knows my fear; he senses it as I grip his hand a little tighter. He slowly strokes his thumb on top of my hand, trying to reassure me that everything will be okay. Although his touch helps, he will never be able to alleviate my fear.
“I just want to go home John…I just want to see my children, my babies,” I tell him. I’m not begging or pleading with him, I’m just stating my true feelings. In the two months we’ve been in seclusion Shane has managed to smuggle us two pictures of the babies and one of Belle, Sami and Carrie. Noah and Rachel are making good progress but are months away from being strong enough to survive out of the hospital.
“I know baby,” he tells me, as he grips my hand for support. I know that the separation from our children is as hard on him as it is on me. “I spoke with Sami a little while ago…” I smile at the mention of my baby girl.
“How’s she doing?” I ask.
“Great…She just got off her shift with the babies at the hospital and was on her way to eat dinner with Carrie. Belle has the afternoon shift and Roman is at work.” I smile at the image in my mind but am also jealous that the four of them get to spend precious time with my babies that I’ll never get back. “I don’t think that we’ll ever be able to repay Sami and Roman for all that they’ve done.” John was stating the obvious. When they were called on to perform their duties as the twins godparents they didn’t hesitate, each stepping up and embracing the role. Furthermore, Sami, Roman, Belle and Carrie each took shifts at the hospital, sitting with the twins, talking to them, holding them.
“Did you tell her that I love her and miss her?”
John laughed. “Of course…we did a good job with her Marlena, a good job….I was a little worried for a couple of years, but when I look at her now…she’s so much more mature…And Belle and Carrie…Wow…they’ve both been doing a fantastic job running Basic Black in my absence….Kate has also been a help as has Victor.” John senses me tense up as he mentions Kate. As hard as I’ve tried, I cannot get the image of him making love to her in my bed out of my head. Rationally I know all the reasons behind it, I’m just not at a point where I can accept what happened, forget it and move in.
“You are the one that I love,” he tells me tenderly as he places his head on my shoulder. “I love you…only you.”
I close my eyes, enjoying the feel of his hair as the wind blows it softly against my cheek. I love this man.
“Will we ever be able to go home?” I softly ask, as I open my eyes and stare at the ocean before me. So many miles separate me from my children, my life and my home.
“Someday.” I know it’s the best answer that John can provide me with. Too much is happening in Salem; too many people are looking for me, hunting me. John doesn’t know that I’ve seen the flyers that are offering a bounty for my capture. To tell him that I know would only cause unnecessary angst and I can’t do that to him. So silently I pretend that we are on a mini vacation, just waiting for the word that everything is right in the universe and that we can go home.
As I lean my head on Marlena’s shoulder, I breathe in her scent. As long as I am living I don’t think that I’ll ever tire of smelling her, touching her, tasting her. She is my drug. Someday we’ll go home, I’m just not certain of when that will be. Shane tells me that there is an international manhunt for Marlena, the current bounty 20 million US dollars. I would gladly pay that and more for all this to end and for President Owens, NSA, DEA, Secret Service, Interpol and the FBI to leave us alone.
President Owens. To this day Marlena won’t speak of him and his involvement. I still don’t know much more than what Shane told Roman and I the night that he arranged for Marlena to leave the United States. I’m still not sure how he arranged for her escape, our escape, but I’m incredibly grateful. Who those men were that came and got her, I’ll never know. I’ll always remember the terror I felt in the hours that we were separated thinking that I would never get to see, hold or love my wife again.
I’ve tried to get Marlena to talk about her past, hoping that it would be therapeutic for her in a way not to have to carry this burden, but she won’t open up to me. She won’t talk to anyone about the past. Whatever is inside her head has her scared. I’ve seen the crime scene photos so I know the final images of her past that her mind holds, just not the events leading up to these pictures.
“Are my parents okay,” she asks as she stares down at the sand. I see a lowly tear as it makes its own path slowly down her face. She’s once again trying to hide how she feels. “Yeah, Shane managed to connect me with Frank on a secure satellite channel for a couple of minutes…They were brought in and interrogated once again last week by the FBI and Secret Service…” At the mention of the FBI she drops my hand, stands up and runs away.
“Marlena,” he yells as he follows me down the beach. “Marlena.” As I run away from him, I’m not sure entirely what I’m running from. I don’t want him to see me like this; I don’t want him to see my fear, my pain.
Quickly catching up to me he places his hands on my shoulders to stop me. “Marlena, it’s okay…It’s okay.” No it’s not and never will be, but I can’t tell him that.
“You can’t promise me that John, you can’t.”
“And I won’t. The only thing that I can promise you with utmost certainty is that I love you and will never stop loving you.” My back is still to him and I can feel his warm breath against my neck. I stare down at the sand between my toes and wiggle them, watching the sand as grain by grain slides between my digits. John reaches his forearm around my collarbone and pulls me tight to him. “I’m here for you Marlena…When we took our marriage vows I promised you in front of our family and friends that I would love you until I die. I meant that then and I mean it now more than ever…” I smile at the memory of John reciting our marriage vows …and I can promise you that I will love you until I die. I’m going to be a good husband to you… I am going to honor you, I am going to protect you… I am going to care for you and I am going to make your cares my cares. I’m going to make your sorrows my sorrows, and by damn I’m going to make your triumphs my triumphs. And I’m going to grow old with you. In love and joy and all the great stuff life has to offer…..until death parts us. Although I believe him a part of me questions not the sincerity of the words, but the motivation. How is it possible for someone as wonderful as John to love the likes of me?
“Marlena,” John tells me as he turns my body around to face him. I know he wants me to look at him, but I’m not ready to. Sometimes it’s too much for me to look him in the eyes, the enormity of the love, faith and trust lingering behind those blue eyes in me overwhelming.
He cups my chin and lifts my head.
As my rough fingers touch the soft skin of her chin, I need to see her eyes, need to see the acknowledgement of my love. Her eyes are more green than brown right now as the rays of the afternoon sun hit them. There is so much that I want to tell her, so much that I want to talk with her about, but we have the rest of our lives for that. Right now, I’m content to just be in her presence.
God do I love her. Marlena used to always use an expression, “You can never step into the same river in the same place twice. The river’s always changing. The same is true with love. As people, we grow, and we change, and love does too, whether you separate for a while from the person, or you stay and ride out the hard times.” I would always laugh, for the phrase reminded me of a Garth Brooks song. Never has that expression been more relevant than it is for me right now. Although I have regrets about the way I treated Marlena over the years and about the way that my own personal quests came at the expense of time with her, most of all I regret not being there for her when she needed me most.
Taking her into my arms, I hold her tightly to me. So much has happened, so many trials and tribulations. I wouldn’t change a thing in our past, knowing that our lives are better left to chance. Resting my chin on the top of her head, I look out at the ocean before me, feeling melancholy.
“If you could change the past would you?” Although I wouldn’t change the past I fully expect that she would. Changing the past would bring Eric back to us. As it stands, ISA has no idea where he is, only that he was brought in for questioning by the FBI and never seen again. I had Shane get in touch with the Dimera family and left them know that Julie Dimera was in fact Marlena Evans Black. I would have loved to have been a fly on that wall when that sick fuck Stefano realized that his queen of the night was his own niece. However, Marlena being a Dimera has had its advantages. The Dimera’s have been actively searching for Eric ever since and have been providing around the clock protection for the rest of my family.
I can sense her body thinking as she contemplates my question. The muscles in her fingers grip my t-shirt a little tighter, her eye lashes fluttering against my neck.
“No.” I answer him, pulling away from him and looking up at him, feeling brave. “John, I wouldn’t change anything in the past, as painful as it was…Every moment, every conversation, every whisper, every touch has led us where we are now…changing one instant could have changed the whole course….I am happy where we are…I am happy with you.”
As I watch him looking down at me, tears glistening in his beautiful blue eyes, my heart swells. This is what I know to be true. No matter how hard I fall, John will always be there to catch me. He is my constant. He is my star. He is my everything.
“If I fall John, will you be there to catch me?” I ask as he slowly moves his mouth towards mine.
“Always.”
The end.
The Jarlena Journal 