Fade Into You – by Ms. Goldie

Chapter 1 – Fade Into You

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wanna hold the hand inside you

I wanna take the breath that’s true

I look to you and I see nothing

I look to you and I see the truth

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

July 1993

John

Marlena had asked me to meet her in the hospital chapel. It was the middle of the week, during a work day, so it would very likely be empty. I knew why she wanted to see me. She’d been waiting for the blood test result for the baby she carried to determine if it was Roman’s child… or mine. Our affair could blow apart her whole marriage. I’d never intended to do that, and I understood why she was trying to preserve it. Eric and Sami had been through so much. If she and Roman divorced over our affair, it would be more turmoil.

But if her baby was my child, I wasn’t going to give up so easily. Roman Brady would not raise my child. Marlena had to know that. The issue at hand was that Marlena was so scared, she wasn’t thinking clearly. Her whole mindset was focused on preserving a marriage that in my mind wasn’t worth saving. Sure, I was biased. I loved her enough to want her for myself, and only for myself.

I entered the chapel, and found it empty. She hadn’t arrived yet. Walking to the front, I sat down staring at the rows of small burning candles. Prayers left by people reaching out to G-d. I struggled with my relationship with G-d. I felt like I’d been closer to the Lord when I’d been Roman Brady, when I’d had family around me. Since my life had fallen apart I’d felt hollow, even when Isabella was alive. I’d never quite gotten myself back together since I’d lost my family… and my wife.

And that’s what I felt Marlena was. No matter what happened. No matter how much time passed. She was, and always would be my wife. I glanced up quickly when I heard the soft clack of heels against the floor. She was gorgeous. Her suit fit snugly, and I could just make out the soft roundness of the growing baby inside her. She smiled at me, and it tugged at my heart. What she had to tell me would change the trajectory of our lives.

“Why’d you want to meet in here?” I asked her.

“I thought it was appropriate,” she said softly. The guilt was hurting her so much. That was my biggest regret. It wasn’t loving her. Loving her would never be a regret. It wasn’t the possibility that the baby she carried was mine. No, it was the fact that she was hurting so much.

She sat down beside me, and stared straight ahead. I couldn’t help leaning towards her. “So what did the test results say? Is it my baby?”

“They were inconclusive.” Tears welled in her eyes as she whispered, “I don’t have an answer.”

“How do we move on from here?” I leaned forward, balancing my elbows on my knees as I rubbed my hands together. “That baby you’re carrying could be mine.”

“It could be Roman’s!” she said quickly. “And I–I can’t tear apart my family on a what if! I can’t!”

“Hey. Hey,” I said softly. Turning to face her, I took her hands in mine. “I’m not trying to tear your family apart, baby. I’m not, but if there’s a chance that I’m this child’s father… you know me. You know me. I won’t be able to stay away. I won’t stand by, and watch another man raise my child.”

“I know that!” she cried. “But Roman, and the family will suffer for what I’ve done. I can–I can have a DNA test done once the baby is born, but there’s simply no way of knowing until then. There’s nothing I can do. The baby has my blood type, not yours or Romans.”

“Okay,” I whispered, using the pads of my thumbs to brush the tears from her cheeks. “Okay. So we… we wait.”

Marlena continued to cry. “I broke my marriage vows. I betrayed Roman… and I’ve–I’ve hurt you so badly. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“If you had said tonight that the baby was Roman’s, I was planning to leave Salem. I don’t think I could stand to be here knowing that you carried his child, and there was no hope for us–”

“ –and now?” she asked me. She didn’t want to want me, but her eyes shined with hope, because losing me might kill her. I understood loving two people at once. One love soft and steady, while the other made your blood boil. She was my inferno.

“I can’t go, Doc. I can’t. Not if there’s a chance that this baby is ours.” I brushed away another tear. “Not if the baby you carry is Brady’s sister or brother.”

“Oh, G-d!” Marlena sobbed quietly, covering her mouth to stifle the sound. It was obvious she hadn’t even considered it. She’d been so caught up in how this pregnancy might affect her marriage, or the twins and Carrie, that she hadn’t considered the other side of things. 

“That baby could be Brady’s sister, Doc. Brady’s brother,” I emphasized. “I can’t leave until I know.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” she whispered.

Softly I said, “I don’t know if I can stay if it turns out this baby is Roman’s.”

Marlena

My heart was breaking. I was destroying him. Had it been my fate to fall apart this way? To make decisions as destructive as my sister Samantha, and then watch my world crumble around me? I couldn’t hold it all together, and as much as I wanted to push John away the mere thought of losing him had me in a panic. “You can’t leave me.”

“Is that what you want, Doc?” he asked with his voice choked. “You want me to stay in Salem, and watch you raise this baby with Roman, because if you ask me to… I will. But it will kill me. I love you. You love me–”

“ –no! What about Kristen?” I asked. Wasn’t he dating Kristen? Hadn’t he moved on?

John started laughing sardonically. “Really, Doc? Are you being serious right now? My relationship with Rebecca didn’t work out, because I’m in love with you. This relationship with Kristen is still new… but I’m in love with you.”

“We can’t be together,” I whispered.

“As you’ve told me over and over again, but I’ve told you before, Marlena, we are inevitable,” he said.

“No,” I said softly.

“Yes. If I stay in Salem… I won’t be able to stay away from you… or this child.” He stared at me as he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear, and I closed my eyes. He shouldn’t be touching me at all, but I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t want to. 

“You have to,” I replied. “We can only be friends.”

“We will always be friends, Doc. You have been, and always will be my best friend… but we are so much more than that. As much as you deny it… we will always be more than friends.” I knew he was right, but I refused to confirm or deny what he was saying. 

“You are a kind, and wonderful, and passionate man, John… and you deserve to have a woman who can return that to you. I… I can’t be that woman.” I’d told him that once before, on Pier 29. Our affair had started a few weeks later. Was I lying to myself? Probably, but still I pushed him away. “You deserve someone that can complete your family–”

“ –you’re talking as if you know for certain that this isn’t my child.”

“It’s the only way I can think right now,” I cried softly. “I can’t even begin to cope with the alternatives.”

“Would the alternative be so bad?” he asked me softly.

I’d hurt him. I’d hurt him badly, and I couldn’t answer that question, because the alternative was the dream I came home with, wasn’t it? After five years in a coma, I returned to Salem intent on putting my family back together. I’d had eight beautiful years with them, and then I was torn away. Carrie, Eric, and Sami had been frozen in my mind. When I came home I’d been forced to face the fact that they’d all aged. Eric and Sami were thirteen. Carrie was seventeen. I’d missed five years of their lives, and John… he wasn’t even sure he wanted me anymore.

“I can’t consider the alternative,” I whispered. “This is probably Roman’s baby. You and I only made love once during that time frame… and we never got pregnant in the eight years we were together before–”  

“So that’s it then?” he asked. “I stay in Salem? I remain your friend? But not too friendly–”

“ –John,” I said. “That’s not what I–”

“ –then what, Doc? What? Because if this baby is mine… I won’t allow Roman to raise them. I will be a father to my child,” he said. 

I saw the truth of it in his eyes, and I choked on another sob. “I’m so tired… I can’t–I can’t keep doing this.”

That’s when he wrapped me in his arms. There was nothing else to say. We were at an impasse. I cried against him softly as he whispered, “We’ll figure it out, baby. We’ll figure it out.”

I should have reminded him that he can’t call me baby.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You live your life, you go in shadows

You’ll come apart and you’ll go blind

Some kind of night into your darkness

Colored your eyes with what’s not there

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

I forked my last bite of pancake into my mouth, and watched my mother’s face fall. I’d spent the first thirteen years of my life with an idea of what an idyllic family looked like. Father, mother, children. Eric and I thought we might finally get that when our dad was going to marry Isabella. We didn’t. Instead our mom came home, and we prayed with all the hope thirteen-year-old’s could muster that our dad and our mom would reconcile. Then we’d have it. A whole family. We didn’t need Isabella. Our mom was back. But she wasn’t back from the dead for two months, and our world fell apart. We’d been trying to put it together ever since, but the pieces didn’t seem to fit right.

I watched dad #2 disappoint my mom yet again. When he first came back into my life, I wanted to love him. I tried so hard to love him. Even at that very moment, I felt I should love him. But, he was nothing like my first dad. He wasn’t John; although dad #2 had done a fine job of pushing him away. He’d walked out and never looked back.

My pancake suddenly felt like flavorless mush in my mouth. I gagged, struggling to get it down my throat. Pushing my plate away, he chuckled lightly. “You should lay off those pancakes anyway. Don’t want to gain too much weight–” I suddenly felt sick.

I gave him the sweetest smile. It covered my conflicted emotions, I guess. All he saw was my willingness, my eagerness to be the perfect daughter, because if I failed, he might leave me too. “You’re right, daddy. I was thinking about starting a diet on Monday.”

“Monday?” He smiled. “Why wait until Monday?”

Tears pricked my eyes, but I said nothing. It was my Mom who had something to say. “Roman, could I speak with you in the kitchen, please?”

“Doc, I gotta head out. We’ll talk later,” he told her, standing up from the table. “And look, I’m really sorry I can’t make the doctor’s appointment today.”

“Roman.” My mom was angry. I could only assume it was about him missing another doctor’s appointment for the baby. She told him, “In the kitchen. Now.”

Okay. Wow. Yeah, she was mad. His eyes narrowed, but he glanced at me sideways before following her into the other room. This was going to be juicy. I waited a few moments at the table, and then jumped up, going to the other door. Sneaking into the laundry room, I stayed behind the wall. The conversations between the parentals had become more heated lately, and I was not one to miss out.

My mom pitched her voice lower, saying, “You can’t say things like that to Sami. She’s young, and vulnerable.”

“I was just joshin’ her, Doc! She knows I didn’t mean anything by it! Besides slowing down on those–”

“Roman Augustus Brady!” My mom was close to yelling. I moved closer to my escape door if I needed to high tail it out of there fast. “You will never, never make comments about her weight or her eating habits! You know how I feel about that!”

He sighed loudly, as if my mom’s request was an inconvenience to him. “She’s not your sister, Doc. She’s not going to make the same mistakes!” I leaned against the wall. My Aunt Samantha? The one I was named after?

“Samantha was sick. She needed help, and an eating disorder is not a mistake. The last thing I need right now is you making Sami feel like something is wrong with her. She’s beautiful!” I smiled to myself. My mom would walk through hot coals for me. Even when I was wrong she was there for me. My dad had been too… until he wasn’t. 

“Kids are gonna start to tease her, Doc–”

“Roman Brady, you listen, and you listen good. You will not make comments about our daughter’s weight, or her body. Do you understand me?” 

“Shit, Doc. I can’t wait for you to give birth, because if this is the hormones talkin’ I’m not sure I can take much more.” I heard the kitchen door on the other side slam against the wall, but I stayed still, waiting until I heard the front door closed. 

Just as I started to sneak out of the laundry room, I bumped my toe on the corner. I squeaked softly, but it was too late. My mom had hawk ears. “Samantha Gene, get in here.” Crap.

Marlena

I was beyond tired. Exhausted was too mild of a word to fully encapsulate the level of fatigue I was feeling. My body wanted rest. I craved it like a drug, but I couldn’t get a full night’s sleep. Between Roman’s irregular work shifts, and sifting through my dreams and nightmares, a few hours of steady sleep was almost impossible. Rubbing my hand over my abdomen, I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. Sami came around the corner looking sufficiently guilty, but not guilty enough. She would do it again. She was more like my sister than she would ever know.

“How much of that did you hear?” I asked her.

She looked at the floor, mumbling, “All of it.”

“It wasn’t meant for your ears.” I looked at her, waiting for her to lift her head. When she did it nearly broke my heart.

“Am I fat?” she wanted to know. “Is that what that was about? Does he think I’m fat?”

“You are not fat, Sami. You’re not,” I insisted.

“But, I’m not skinny,” I said. “I’m not dumb.”

“Have I ever shown you pictures of myself when I was your age? I was built just like you. You are not fat. You’re not even overweight.” I reached out, pulling her into my arms. “What your father said was insensitive–”

Sami sniffed, “ –well, you might not think I’m fat, but he does, and if he does… then other people do.” She was quiet for a moment, and then she asked me, “Did your sister have an eating disorder? Is that what scares you?”

“My sister struggled with food for most of her life, and it started young. I don’t want that for you–”

“ –but if I wanted to lose weight… how would I do that?”

G-d, I was tired. I could barely think straight. I brushed a tear from her cheek. “If that’s what you want… I would insist that you go to a nutritionist. You could learn about healthy foods, and exercise. You could learn about portion sizes, and then I’d want you to make an appointment with Dr. Morris so you can discuss hormones, and the changes that are taking place in your body right now. I’ll support those things. I will not support you trying to lose weight on a diet of lettuce and water. Do you understand?”

She smiled up at me, “Yeah, Mom. I understand.”

She tried to step away from me, but I held tight. “Give your mama a hug.” She laughed, and wrapped her arms around my thickening waist. I’d missed so much time with her, and if I was selfish now, then so be it. “Like you mean it,” I laughed.

Her arms tightened, and she whispered, “I love you, Mom. Will you help me make the appointments?”

I wasn’t ready for her to grow up. I wasn’t ready for Eric to choose to stay in Colorado. I wasn’t ready for Carrie to move to New York. I wasn’t ready for a lot of things, but I whispered, “Yes, my darling. I’ll help you make the appointments.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fade into you

Strange you never knew

Fade into you

I think it’s strange you never knew

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

Marlena was going to be furious. I knew she was, but it didn’t matter. I sat in the waiting room of her office, and decided to ignore the curious looks her secretary was throwing me. Making an appointment had been easy enough. Marlena had seen me for therapy when we’d first come back from Mexico. I finished the paperwork with a click of the inkpen, and then I stood up to take it to the front desk. With my most charming smile, I said, “Thank you. I think it’s all complete.”

She stared up at me with wide green eyes as if I’d put a spell on her, before finally looking down at the paperwork, saying, “I’ll let Dr. Evans know you’re here.”

I smirked. Dr. Evans. She’d been Dr. Brady for the eight years she was married to me. It wasn’t lost on me that she’d returned to using her maiden name. Roman probably hated it. It gave me hope. Maybe we weren’t so far apart after all. I looked up when Marlena appeared in the doorway of her office. “Mr. Black,” she said quietly.

“I’m glad you could see me on such short notice,” I said casually as I stood up to follow her. She’d left her door open, and walked away. I wanted to laugh. I knew she was angry. She’d been avoiding me, and my decision to schedule an appointment had been spontaneous. She wasn’t going to make a scene in her office.

As soon as I closed the door softly behind me, she turned around, and leaned against her desk giving me a look as if she were trying to decide whether to fall into my arms or strangle me. Finally she asked me, “John, why are you here?”

“Therapy, Doc. Why else would I be here? I know it’s been awhile, but you are my therapist, and well… I need it,” I said.

“That is not why you’re here, and we both know it!” she told me in a low voice. 

“You said we were still friends,” I said, sitting on her sofa. “Friends don’t avoid each other’s calls. Friends don’t pass each other in the hallways of the hospital, and pretend they didn’t see each other–”

“ –I’ve been busy,” she said, but she looked away when I cocked my eyebrow. 

“Do you always lie to your friends?” I asked. I crossed my ankle up onto my knee, and leaned back. I wasn’t leaving. My appointment was an hour long, and I was getting my full hour.

“Who’s doing therapy here, John… you or me?” She walked around her desk, and took a seat in her chair. Lacing her fingers together she stared at me for a moment. 

“Me. I had a dream about us last night. I didn’t really understand it at the time, but I’ve been thinking about it all day,” I said.

Marlena

It was so good to see him. He was right. I’d been avoiding him for the last week. Our awkward goodbye in the chapel had sat in my gut like a lead stone for days. I looked him over like a starving woman. I watched his mouth move, but I didn’t hear anything. It was nonsense anyway. I knew that. The appointment. The dream. It was just a ruse to see me, and I’ll admit I was flattered. 

“So now I’m thinking that the dream was just a way of my brain saying I should be alone for a while,” he said.

“What?” I asked, suddenly wide awake.

“Were you not listening to me at all?” he asked with a crooked grin. “I’m paying a lot of money for this session–”

“ –you have health insurance,” I said sarcastically. Then I asked, “You broke up with Kristen?”

“Well, not yet exactly, but I think… it might be for the best. I’m not ready for anything serious, and she’s–she’s got these grand dreams of marriage and babies. I’m not ready for any of that… not right now, because–”

“ –John, we can’t talk about this.” I stood up, and went to my filing cabinet, pulling out his case file. “If you are truly coming to me for therapy we can’t discuss our feelings–”

“ –who else am I going to talk to?” He stood up, coming to stand behind where I glanced over his file. The last time he’d come to see me for therapy had been right after his trip to Stockholm with Danielle Tremaine. “Doc, I’ve got no one else.”

“I could refer you to Dr. Baker,” I said softly. I didn’t want to. I knew Whitney was interested in him. She’d been interested for a long time.

John pressed lightly against my spine whispering, “I don’t have rapport with Dr. Baker.”

I turned to face him, pushing him away as I walked back to my desk. Staring at him over the top, I took a deep breath. I just needed space. “Fine. Fine, we’ll talk, but you can’t–you can’t touch me, John.” 

I was too vulnerable, tired, and lonely. I’d gone to another doctor’s appointment alone. Roman had begged me to have another baby, and he was barely interested. He certainly couldn’t be bothered enough to take time off to attend a doctor’s appointment with me. I’d scheduled my next appointment for August, and asked him to make time. Even with his promises, I wasn’t holding out much hope.

I think John saw how utterly exhausted I was because he asked me softly, “How’s Sami?’

Could we do this? Could we meet once or twice a week, and simply be in the same room? I wasn’t sure, but with some relief I said, “She’s doing okay. I made a few appointments with a nutritionist when she expressed interest in losing weight, and I have her scheduled to see Dr. Morris tomorrow to discuss the way teenage girls’ bodies change.”

He leaned forward, “Is she concerned with her weight?”

“Maybe,” I said. “I think so. She mentioned a diet to Roman the other day, and he was less than helpful–” I stopped talking, but it was too late. John had already caught what I was saying.

His eyes narrowed, “He encouraged her to diet? She’s not even sixteen yet. She doesn’t need to diet. I know it’s hard, Doc, but Carrie went through that too.”

“Carrie did?” I asked, unaware that he’d dealt with something similar.

“She did,” he said, leaning back. “We started meal planning. Adding in more lean meats and vegetables. I told her I was willing to accept healthy eating, I was unwilling to accept fad diets. We also started exercising as a family. Sami was her biggest cheerleader.”

I didn’t know any of that, and finding out reassured me that I’d done the right thing. “Thank you,” I whispered.

“For what?” he asked.

“I think maybe I just needed to hear that I was doing things right,” I said.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A stranger light comes on slowly

A stranger’s heart without a home

You put your hands into your head

A million smiles cover your heart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

“John’s coming by,” my mom said casually as we grilled fish for dinner. I wasn’t a huge fan of fish, but she assured me that mahi mahi had a meatier consistency, and was less fishy tasting than other types of fish. I was holding my final verdict. It smelled nice though. I wasn’t used to my mom cooking. Not because she wasn’t good at it like dad #2 liked to joke, but mostly because she was so busy. That was why my first dad did most of the cooking. The timer went off, and she flipped the fish.

I stared down at the golden crust that had formed, and I’ll admit I was hungry. “Is that why you’re making three pieces of fish?” Dad #2 was working late, so he wasn’t eating fish.

“He’s coming for dinner, and then he said, if you were interested, you could go for a run with him,” she said.

“Oh, G-d, mom! Is he starting the Brady Exercise Club again?” I asked in surprise. I had so many memories pop into my head all at once, I almost started laughing. “Please tell me you’re not serious? How does he know about my healthy eating/exercise plan anyway?”

“We talk,” she said. “We’re friends, and he asks about you, Sami. He loves you. You know that.”

I wasn’t so sure that I did, so I shrugged. “Whatever. I just hope I can keep up.”

She took the fish out of the pan, and placed it on the cutting board to rest. “I don’t think that will be a problem. Remember, he did this with Carrie too.”

“I’m not sure if I should be glad for all of the support or offended that you all think I’m fat,” I joked.

“Samantha Gene!” My mom looked at me with fierce eyes. “We do not think that you are fat! Don’t you ever say that.”

“Dad does,” I said.

“What your father said was insensitive, and without thought. He won’t do it again,” she said. “What John and I are doing is educating you, and helping you with something you asked for assistance with. If you want us to stop, say so.”

G-d, talk about guilt. Sheesh. I glanced away, mumbling, “I want the help. Thank you… I’m sorry for getting so defensive.” The doorbell rang, and I said quickly, “I’ll get it.”

I was actually excited. Dinner with dad and mom would feel like old times… almost. I wished Eric would come home, but I was the only one who knew why he refused. I wished Carrie would have decided to go to college at Salem University, but again… I knew why she didn’t. Mom was the only one who seemed to have not picked up on it, and I wasn’t one to make waves when I didn’t need to.

I jogged through the living room, and opened the door to see my dad standing there. I wouldn’t say it wasn’t confusing to still think of him as my dad. In front of dad #2, I had to call him John. Sometimes with my mom, I slipped and called him dad. With Eric, we always called him dad, and dad #2 was Roman. It was complicated and messy.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey, Peanut. Did your mom tell you I was coming?” he asked me, reaching out to hug me.

I laughed, “Yeah. About ten minutes ago.” 

He smelled the same, like Irish Spring soap, and Old Spice. It was weird. He had tons of money now. He was rich ever since he’d found out he was Lawrence Alamian’s long lost brother, but he still lived like he was a cop. I think he missed being a cop. I thought about it sometimes. Dad #2 came back, and dad lost his job. He lost the house too, and mom, but he walked away from me, Eric, and Carrie. He didn’t even fight it. Maybe after five years of raising us alone it was the easier choice out of all of it. Still, losing his job must have been hard.

“Your mom’s in the kitchen?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I closed the front door. “I’m going to wash my hands. We’re eating in the kitchen.”

John

Things with Sami felt strained. They’d been strained since Roman came back. She’d bonded with him so quickly, I didn’t fully understand it. She’d always been such a Daddy’s Girl with me, it was hard to see her turn it off so fast. I watched her jog up the stairs, and then walked towards the kitchen. I’d brought flowers for Marlena. Lilacs. She loved them, and I felt like they would put a smile on her face. She smiled so infrequently lately.

I’ll admit, her invitation to dinner was a surprise. She’d called me two days ago out of the blue, and there was no way in hell I would turn her down. Dinner as friends was painful, but it was better than being ignored. If it was my new reality, I would simply have to adjust. I pushed open the door to the kitchen, saying softly, “Doc?”

“I’m in the pantry,” she called.

The kitchen smelled amazing. “What’s for dinner? It smells great.”

“Mahi mahi with asparagus, and baby gold potatoes,” she said.

I arrived at the pantry door, and looked up to see her on the ladder trying to reach the salt on the top shelf. Rushing forward, I wrapped my arms around her hips, lifting her down quickly. “For G-d’s sake, Marlena! Why are you climbing a ladder?”

“I’m pregnant, John, not physically disabled,” she scoffed. Pointing up she said, “I need the salt.”

She felt different in my arms. I hadn’t touched her properly for months, and I slowly ran my hand over her hip as I released her. “Have you felt the baby kick yet?”

Her eyes fluttered, and she seemed dazed for a moment before she said, “Mostly just flips and flutters. Nothing solid, but soon.”

I stared down at her abdomen, “Can I touch it?”

The wariness in her eyes almost had me stepping back, but then she whispered, “Give me your hand.” Her fingers took mine, and placed my hand on the side of her burgeoning belly. “Right here,” she said. “Just wait a moment.”

We stood in silence, staring at each other for the longest time, frozen in time, frozen in the past, and then I felt it. The faintest little kick against my hand. I smiled, “I felt that.”

“Where are you two?” Sami called loudly.

“In the pantry!” Marlena said, stepping away from me quickly. My hand fell to my side. “John was just getting the salt down for me.”

My eyes held hers for a moment, and then I started up the ladder.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fade into you

Strange you never knew

Fade into you

I think it’s strange you never knew

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

Dinner was kind of weird. Long awkward pauses that I couldn’t really explain, but it was actually really nice. Can something be really nice, and painful at the same time? We’d washed the dishes, and cleaned the kitchen like a family. Dad had told one of his corny jokes about baseball. I groaned, but mom laughed. She actually laughed. I think I’d almost forgotten what her laugh sounded like. When did she stop laughing?

My run with dad was so much fun. He kept pace with me, and we only went a half mile. Anything else would have probably killed me. I was definitely going to have to build stamina, but dad promised to come everyday if I wanted. Part of me wondered if he actually would. I wanted him to, but if I expected it, I’d be crushed when he didn’t follow through… because he’d put me to bed that last night, and promised to love me forever. The next morning he was gone.

Yeah, I got the explanations. Roman needed time to connect with me and Eric. Blah, blah, blah. It didn’t matter. Dad had still left us. Eric was so angry, he’d left all of us. Dad #2 argued with Carrie so much he’d run her off. The night before she left, she reassured me that she loved me. I remember her gentle words, I’m not leaving you. 

After my run, I went immediately upstairs to shower. I needed to think. I’d left mom and dad staring at each other downstairs. They were acting so odd.

Marlena

John and I had gone out back to sit on the porch swing. The baby liked the gentle swaying motion. I leaned back, closing my eyes, and allowed the soft breeze to caress my skin. Every once in a while I caught the scent of Old Spice and sweat. I couldn’t admit what it was doing to me. Dinner had been so nice, but I knew Sami had caught those long pauses, those moments when John and I stared for just a little too long. 

“I told Sami I would come by again tomorrow,” John said. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind,” I said quietly. I could hear the soft croak of a frog nearby, and smell Alice’s roses. I hadn’t been this relaxed in months. I wanted to open my eyes but they were so heavy.

John

She fell asleep beside me. Soft breaths, and soft hair. She was so beautiful. Her head fell towards my shoulder, and I kept the swing moving. I hadn’t mentioned the rings under her eyes. She would have made excuses or gotten defensive, and I was tired of her pushing me away. This was easier. This quiet understanding. She loved me. I didn’t doubt that. It’s why I’d ended things with Kristen. My heart wasn’t in it. My heart belonged to the woman beside me, all soft curves, and gentle snores.

The back door opened, and Sami stared out at me with wet hair and wide blue eyes. “She fell asleep?”

“Yeah,” I said softly. “Has she not been sleeping well?”

“I guess not, but Roman– I mean my dad makes a lot of noise, even when he thinks he’s quiet. I wouldn’t want to share a bedroom with him.” She shrugged. “It’s past nine. Maybe just wake her up, and send her to bed?”

I chuckled lightly, and shifted my body so that I could gently scoop Marlena up. “Hold the door, Peanut.” Marlena’s face rubbed against my neck, and her arms wrapped around me. 

I almost stumbled when I heard her barely audible, “You smell so good.”

“Isn’t she heavy?” Sami asked as she closed the door behind me.

“Your mother is light as a feather. She always has been, and don’t you tell her otherwise,” I whispered.

“John Black, you are such a liar,” Marlena murmured against my shoulder.

I couldn’t help laughing. I hadn’t felt this happy in months.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fade into you

Strange you never knew

Fade into you

I think it’s strange you never knew

I think it’s strange you never knew

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fade Into You – Mazzy Star

Chapter 2 – Linger

Chapter 2 – Linger

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If you

If you could return

Don’t let it burn

Don’t let it fade

I’m sure I’m not being rude

But it’s just your attitude

It’s tearing me apart

It’s ruining everything

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

August 1993

Sami

Candystriping at the hospital was an okay way to get the volunteer hours I needed for school. Carrie had done it, and my best friend Jaimie was doing it with me. That fancy schmancy school mom and dad paid for in Colorado didn’t make Eric do volunteer work. That didn’t mean I wanted to go back. I’d never told my mom or Roman why I’d left. Sure, mom was upset about the money, but dad #2 was so excited to have me home he didn’t care. That lasted all of two minutes. Mom’s concerns were pushed under the rug like everything else in our lives. Out of sight, out of mind. Right? After a week or so, no one mentioned it again.

I’d originally wanted to stay in Colorado. In fact, Eric and I had begged our parentals to let us stay. Dad #2’s constant arguing with Carrie was too much, and then mom was kidnapped by that crazy ass Stella Lombard. When mom came home after that she had nightmares every night. She’d wake up screaming for my dad… but it wasn’t the right man. If you know what I mean. Roman was pissed. I don’t know why. I mean, John had saved her life. It made sense to me that she would be calling out for him. He was the one who’d found her. He’d been the one to keep her alive for the next week they were in that pit together with no food and dirty pipe water.

But for Eric and I it was all too much. At fifteen I don’t know why we were just expected to be fine with everything. And by everything, I mean all of it. Roman died before I was even a month old. John came into our lives before we were two. He’s the only father we knew. We had the perfect family. A perfect family for eight years… and then my mom died. I use the term died very loosely here, because in Salem is anyone ever truly dead? Or are they just on sabbatical? Either way, at least Carrie had some type of history with Roman, I just had him thrust at me like some kind of second-hand father. My acceptance wasn’t expected, it was demanded. My sadness, my fear, and my grief was disregarded. Is that how it usually goes? Did adults live their chaotic lives, and just expect kids to adjust? It seemed unfair.

I sighed as I pushed the magazine cart down the hall. Glancing at the clock, I pushed a little faster. My mom had her appointment with Dr. Bader, and I wanted to see the ultrasound pictures. I had my fingers crossed that the baby was a girl. I imagined bright eyes, and cute dresses with blonde curls. I mean, yeah, I knew that babies were hard work, but that wouldn’t be my job. My job was to spoil my little sister… not change diapers, and do midnight feedings.

After pushing the cart into the storage closet, I took the elevator to my mom’s floor. I’d changed my clothes in her office bathroom earlier, and I wanted to catch her before she left. I waved at mom’s secretary, and then ran into her office just as she was rushing out.

Breathlessly I asked, “Can I come?”

“You were serious?” she asked me quietly.

“Of course, I was serious! This is exciting!” I didn’t add that I was eavesdropping that

morning on the stairs before dad #2 left for work. I couldn’t handle it if she looked sad. I loved her so much, and I only wanted her to be happy. “Are you late? Can you wait for me to change, or can I meet you at Dr. Bader’s?”

She glanced at her watch. I could tell she was pleased when she said softly, “I can wait.”

I changed as fast as I could, and ran out with my hair flying while I tried to pull it into a ponytail. “Let’s go!”

Marlena

It warmed my heart to see Sami so excited. The pregnancy was taxing for so many reasons. My age was a consideration. Then there was Roman’s lack of interest, and John’s overwhelming interest. I’d attempted to have Roman feel the baby kick the night before, but his attention had been fleeting. I rubbed my hand over my abdomen gently, watching as Sami took the corner in front of us at break-neck speed.

Hands came out, grabbing her shoulders. “Whoa there, Peanut! Where are you off to in such a hurry?” John. It was John. I came around, and our eyes locked. I shouldn’t say it, but the first thing I thought was how beautiful he was.

The last time I’d seen him was the week before during his therapy session. The conversation had been light. We’d discussed the children, he’d asked about the baby, and then he told me humorous stories about Brady. I’d been thinking about Brady ever since that afternoon in the hospital chapel. My baby was going to be Sami’s sibling, but there was a chance that they could also be Brady’s. John had spoken it into existence, and I couldn’t forget it.

“Mom’s got an ultrasound for the baby today!” Sami said excitedly. “We’re hoping to find out what the baby is. Eric wants a boy, of course, but you know Carrie and I want a girl. You know, pink dresses and little bows…”

Sami’s voice faded as John watched me with interest. I tried to hide my sadness, but he knew me too well. Besides, sadness had become the new me as of late.

“Is Roman coming?” he asked. He already knew the answer.

“Roman had to work,” I said.

“Oh!” Sami squealed. “You should come, dad! That would be so fun!”

My heart started to pound a double beat. “Sami,” I said softly. “I’m sure that John’s busy–”

His eyes flashed. “ –I’d like to come, Doc.” He stared at me with those intense blue eyes, and my stomach flipped and flopped. He had no business looking at a woman like that. Looking at me like that.

I swallowed thickly. “John–”

“ –I’d like to.” He wasn’t going to accept no. He wasn’t going to take my less than subtle hint that his presence wasn’t needed.

Sami squealed again, and hopped around excitedly. Wrapping her arm around his bicep she started off again in the direction of Dr. Bader’s office. “Let’s go. We’re late.”

He reached for my hand, lacing our fingers together with a sad smile. Pulling me along, he whispered, “Let’s go, Doc.”

John

Marlena was on the exam room table, and refused to make eye contact with me. Sami was too excited to notice Dr. Bader’s curious glances, and I was too emotionally invested to refuse Sami’s innocent invitation.

“Are we ready to see if the baby’s going to cooperate?” Dr. Bader asked with excited eyes. She rolled Marlena’s shirt up over her rounded abdomen, and Marlena tucked it under the front of her bra. My breath caught. Her clothes hid what was very obviously an advancing pregnancy. Her skin was so smooth. My fingers twitched to touch her. I knew she would be so warm under my palm. I looked away only to realize that Marlena was watching me with sad eyes. My heart slammed in my chest. It was all so impossible.

That could be our baby. Our baby. Ours. I wanted so much more than to stand beside her as a supportive friend. I wanted to be involved. I wanted the opportunity to talk to my child, rub Marlena’s feet, and run her a bath. I wanted to be her partner in all things, instead I stood beside her with clenched fists to keep myself from kissing her, and stroking her cheek.

“Oh, G-d! Is that the baby?” Sami’s voice cut through my thoughts as I tore my gaze away from Marlena, and directed it at the small monitor in front of us.

My eyes narrowed, and I tilted my head. It looked different than I remembered with Brady. Glancing back down at Marlena, I whispered, “Doc?”

Dr. Bader’s eyes got bright as she said to Marlena, “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“Two?’ she asked with wide eyes. “There are two?”

Dr. Bader grinned. “Identical. See that? They’re in the same sac. That’s going to make things more complicated.”

My blood was roaring as my heart hammered in my chest. “Complicated in what way?”

“When they share an amniotic sac their umbilical cords can become tangled. They also share a placenta.” I could see the concern in her eyes, as she asked Dr. Bader, “How did we miss this?”

“The amniocentesis wouldn’t have picked up two babies since they are identical, and your last ultrasound was so early. Babies hide behind each other all of the time.” Dr. Bader shrugged as if it were no big deal, while I still stared dumbfounded at the screen. Two babies. Identical twins. She smiled, “Do you want to see if we can determine the gender?”

 “Twins!” Sami shrieked. “Mom, twins! Dad is going to lose his mind.”

My heart sank, because she wasn’t talking about me. Marlena looked at me, and I reached for her hand giving it a gentle squeeze. This wasn’t about me. Stress was the last thing she needed now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I swore

I swore I would be true

And, honey, so did you

So why were you holding her hand?

Is that the way we stand?

Were you lying all the time?

Was it just a game to you?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

John scheduled another therapy session because I’d been avoiding him again. G-d he was a stubborn man. As irritated as I was, I couldn’t help but feel happiness at seeing him when I opened the door to my office. He looked up from the magazine he was reading with a smile, “Hey, Doc.” And it felt so different from the way Roman said it.

“John,” I said softly. My secretary looked at me curiously, and I turned back into my office. My feelings were becoming harder to hide. Every time the baby kicked or rolled, I thought of John, not Roman. Just the mere idea that I could be carrying John’s babies was doing something to me, and I wasn’t sure what to do. As much as I wanted to save my marriage, I wasn’t sure anymore. My feelings were all over the place. I could blame the hormones, but that wasn’t it. 

John called me every day to check on me. The other day he’d brought me a sandwich. He ran with Sami five days a week, and he helped Carrie the other day when her car broke down and she couldn’t get ahold of me or Roman. He’d wired her money to fix it. When I’d spoken to Eric the day before, he’d mentioned a phone call with John, while my mother said he called at least once a week to talk to her or my father. I saw him in the hallways at the hospital. I saw him at the pub. And then there was Brady. I couldn’t see him now without thinking about the children I carried in my womb. Was I separating a family, or was I trying to preserve a family? 

John was such an integral part of our lives, and Roman felt noticeably… absent. He was excited about the babies, but he would disappear at the most inopportune moments to chase a lead, or work on a case. And while Roman was absent, John was so fully present. It was too much. So, yes, I avoided John, and the why was obvious to me. The why came to me every night in my dreams. 

I walked around my desk, and sat down. Distance was what I needed. John on one side, and me on the other. My hand softly caressed the children within, because as my heart thundered and my pulse pounded, the babies rolled and kicked. I worried about them every time they did this. My biggest fear was losing one or both of them because of the precariousness of them sharing an amniotic sac. I closed my eyes momentarily, willing myself to calm down. When I opened them, John was watching me. I wiped my palms on my skirt, and smiled up at him. It hid nothing.

John

“I’ve been thinking about when we were in Mexico,” I started. Marlena watched me, but said nothing. Settling back, I said, “We’ve never really talked about what happened.”

Her eyes narrowed, “John, why are you doing this?”

I took a deep breath. It was obvious that she didn’t want to discuss it. “Well, you see, I’ve been thinking a lot, and I–”

“ –we don’t need to talk about this. It’s over. It’s in the past,” she said with mild irritation.

“See, that’s just it, though. It’s not. It’s why we had an affair in the first place. We were married, Doc. We lived together as man and wife for eight years. Eight years, which is a hell of a lot longer than you were with Roman, I’d like to add.” I stood up, unable to stay still. I walked over to the window near her desk, and stared out at nothing. “And the thing is, when we found out that I wasn’t Roman, I died that night.” I turned to face her, repeating, “I died that night… and I don’t think I ever told you that. Isabella found me staring into the flames of a fire I’d built to burn my wallet. I burned my social security card, my driver’s liscense… fuck, I burned my G-d damned Blockbuster Video card that night, Marlena.”

At first she didn’t say anything. She was silent for so long, just watching me with those hazel eyes as if she were trying to find a lie. Finally, she said, “You had Isabella.”

Three words that seemed so innocent, and yet they weren’t innocent at all. Softly, I said, “I wanted you.”

Something inside her snapped. I saw it the moment it happened. Her words came out low. Measured. “Don’t fucking lie to me, John Black. Don’t lie to me.”

I was surprised. Marlena rarely swore. Lie? I wasn’t lying, but it was clear she didn’t believe me. “That wasn’t a lie. You were the one I was thinking about as I sat there staring into those flames like a broken man. You. And instead of going to you, I was frozen…”

“Frozen?” she asked. “Not so frozen that you couldn’t make love to Isabella that night. Not so frozen that you didn’t choose to break my heart– you made a choice that night, John, and it sure as hell wasn’t me. Don’t make excuses now.”

“It’s not an excuse,” I whispered, coming to kneel in front of her. She pushed her chair back, and tried to get away from me. I gripped the armrests, and forced her to face me. Her floral perfume surrounded me, and I saw the tears in her eyes. I leaned into her space, forcing her back into her seat. “It’s the G-d damned truth. I was dead inside, and Isabella… she made me feel alive for a brief moment in time, but it took me months to recover. And I’m… not sure I ever did.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “Stop it. Don’t say things like that to me.”

“Would you rather I lie to you?” I asked. “I’m done with lying, Doc. You were married to Roman for less than two years when he disappeared. He’s been back less than two years. Let’s do the math… you two have maybe three and a half years total. Three and a half years in total, and you’ve had an affair with me during that time.”

“Please stop,” she cried softly. “I can’t–I can’t continue to do this.”

“I’m not giving up so easily this time. For the first time since Mexico, I feel alive again.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Don’t you ever think about how it was for us?”

“All the time,” she whispered. 

“And that is the truth I wanted to hear,” I told her. “Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to me. I was your husband for eight years. I mourned you for two years before I met Isabella. Two years.”

The emotions in her eyes became shuttered, and left me wondering what was going on inside her head. Her words came out clipped, “I think you should go. I have another session, and I–I can’t be emotional when they arrive.”

“I’ll make another appointment on my way out,” I said before standing up.

She whispered, “John, please don’t.”

“I’ll be here next week, Marlena.” I left her office after that. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t be so close to her. Pregnancy didn’t matter. I was just as attracted to her when she was pregnant as I was when she wasn’t. The mere possibility that she carried my children was enough to get my blood pumping.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But I’m in so deep

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger?

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

My mom seemed to be more and more tired. I guess having a baby made a lot of women tired. I could imagine that two babies must be exhausting. When dad and I got back from our run, she was asleep on the couch. Dad #2 was on some ISA case for a few days, so we were on our own. Dad’s eyes got soft when he saw her curled in on herself on the couch without a blanket. “Hey Peanut,” he said softly. “Head on up to the shower, and then start on your homework. I’ll take care of your mom.”

It felt so familiar. I missed him taking care of me, holding me accountable. Most of the time I felt as if I were floundering. The last few months mom had been too tired to really follow up, so I’d been mostly taking care of myself. Roman just assumed I was fine most of the time. I couldn’t even remember the last time he’d enquired into my life, but he worked a lot. It was something I thought about sometimes. How he and dad had the same job, but dad was home more often. Roman was not, and he blamed it on work… but I knew that was a lie, because I’d lived a life with a father who balanced everything.

I started up the stairs, but paused on the landing when I heard him say softly, “Hey, baby. You fell asleep on the couch.”

They were acting so weird lately. Or maybe they weren’t and I was only just noticing, but it seemed to me they behaved as if they were still in love. Still married. I mean they had been married for a lot longer than she was married to Roman. That was probably why I still had a hard time believing that Roman was my dad. He didn’t act like my dad… well, I mean he tried to do it. What I mean, I guess, is that he didn’t feel like a dad. At least not to me. And he rarely checked on Carrie or Eric. I would know because I asked when I talked to them. Eric hadn’t heard from dad #2 since April, and Carrie said he’d called her last month.

John, dad, I saw him almost every day. He jogged with me, helped me with my trig homework, and sometimes he made dinner when mom fell asleep on the couch. Chances were high that he’d be ordering us take-out tonight. I’d stopped fixating on food, and started focusing more on my health. I was grateful to have a direction. My appointment with the nutritionist, and mom and dad’s positivity was a huge boon, although I’d never admit it. I didn’t need them to be smug.

I could hear dad heading towards the stairs, and I took off as fast as I could. Chances were he was carrying her again. He seemed to do that a lot. When I got to my room, I heard my mother say, “John, I can walk.”

“Maybe, I like carrying you,” he told her in a teasing tone.

“It’s not necessary,” my mom said in a soft voice. It sounded softer than I was used to, so I peeked out of the crack in my door, watching as dad set her down on her feet. 

He touched her cheek gently, and my chest fluttered. G-d that was so romantic. “Go lay down. I’ll order take out, and wake you up when the food gets here.”

Mom sighed, “John, you don’t have to take care of us–”

“ –stop,” he said. He pointed at her door. “Bedroom. Now. I’ll let you know when the food gets here.”

And I guess that was the end of it, because he went back downstairs, and my mom went into her bedroom. But I was left with a sad feeling I couldn’t really understand. You know?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, I thought the world of you

I thought nothing could go wrong

But I was wrong, I was wrong

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

“John, why are you here?” I asked, glancing at the door to the exam room. I wasn’t even sure how he’d known about my appointment or which room I was in. He probably flirted with some secretary, and she just ushered him right in. He had a charm he could turn on and off on a whim. 

“You have an appointment today, and Roman is still out of town. Doc, he’s been gone almost two weeks,” he said. “You need some support, and I’m here to give it to you.”

I glanced at the door, afraid that Roman or someone else would appear and wonder why John was there. “You can’t be here,” I said. “You have to go.”

The door opened and Dr. Bader entered with a smile. She glanced at John, but didn’t say anything. John told her, “Roman is still out of town, so I’m here for some friendly support.”

“That’s very kind,” Dr. Bader replied. I wasn’t sure if she believed him, or simply didn’t care. Either way, she made no further comment. “This is a pretty routine appointment. We’re going to get some measurements, and then do some bloodwork. Maybe one of the babies will cooperate, and we’ll see the gender, since they didn’t let us see the last time.”

“That would help with planning,” I laughed. “I’ve been trying to buy things, but mostly sticking to yellow and other neutral colors.”

“Pink would be nice,” John murmured. “Carrie and Sami were so fun when it came to shopping. Eric just wanted joggers and t-shirts.”

My chest ached. I sometimes forgot how much of their lives he’d been involved in. His words from a therapy session a week earlier came back to me, I raised them, Doc. For eleven years, I raised them. I’m their father. Roman showing up, and taking over changes nothing.

A sad look came over Dr. Bader’s face, but she stayed silent.

John

I shouldn’t have said anything. Marlena seemed to become so sad, and Dr. Bader gave me a sideways glance. Afterall, I’d been the concerned father with all of the questions when Carrie had her first menstrual cycle. Abe had laughed when I’d told him what I’d done. I could have gone to Caroline I suppose, but I wanted to have that information. I’d never told Marlena. There was so much she didn’t know about the time she was gone. Mostly because I’d been afraid of loving her too much when she came home, and once I’d realized I didn’t have the right to love her… I let her walk away with Roman fucking Brady.

Quietly, as she moved the wand over Marlena’s abdomen, Dr. Bader said, “You know John, I will always remember when you made that appointment to see me, just to learn about women’s health. In all my time as a doctor, that was a first. There aren’t a lot of men who would do that for their daughters.”

Marlena looked up at me with wide eyes, “You did that?”

“I wanted to be prepared,” I said. “It’s not a big deal.”

“John… that’s so– wow.” She didn’t say anything else, but she squeezed my hand briefly, before letting it go again.

Dr. Bader smiled, and then pointed at the screen. “Do you see that, Marlena?”

Tears filled Marlena’s eyes, and then she looked up at me whispering, “I guess you got your wish, John. I’m having girls.”

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to wipe the tears that fell from her eyes, and hold her in my arms. Instead, I clenched my fists when she said, “Roman will be so happy.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If you

If you could get by

Trying not to lie

Things wouldn’t be so confused

And I wouldn’t feel so used

But you always knew

I just wanna be with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

I was coming out of the bathroom in the staff lounge when I heard my mom’s voice, and paused. She was upset. She had that hiss in her voice that said she was angry, or upset. “John, please. Don’t do this to me.”

“We have to talk about this, Doc. We can’t keep ignoring the elephant in the room. These babies could be mine,” my dad said. 

I stumbled back into the wall around the corner, and slapped my hand over my mouth in a move that was very similar to my mother. Mom could be having dad’s babies? Not Roman’s? So they’d… they must have had an affair. My mind reeled. When? When? But then I thought about the night of the anniversary party. Mom had been so sad, and the photos. I’d taken one out of the pile, and hidden it in my bedroom, hadn’t I? I knew why. The way they’d been looking at each other. It simultaneously made me uncomfortable, and reminded me of when they were married at the same time. My heart was beating so fast, I worried I might vomit. An affair. They’d had sex. Where? When? Was I angry? Should I be?

My mom started crying. “John, I–I don’t know what to do. I thought with the blood test we’d know, but they have my blood type, and even when they’re born… it might not be obvious. It might be–”

“ –you can do a DNA test,” he whispered. “After they’re born.”

“Not here at the hospital,” she sobbed softly. “I can’t–”

“ –are you ashamed?” he asked.

“Of course, I’m ashamed!” she cried. “I–I… I’m not impulsive. I’m not emotional, and that night–”

My dad was hurt. I could hear it in his voice. “ –that night, baby, what we’ve been feeling since we met, that love, that connection, that’s what happened. Don’t cheapen it by implying we got caught up in our lust–”

“ –didn’t we?” I peeked around the corner to watch her sink into a chair, and furiously wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Isn’t that what happened?”

My dad knelt down in front of her, and gripped her chin, forcing her to look down at him. “Is that what you think? And don’t lie to me. Do you truly believe that what we did on the plane that night was simply a lustful act?”

She gasped, trying to choke back another sob, but then she whispered, “No.”

I ducked back behind the wall, and then snuck out the exit at the back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I’m in so deep

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger?

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

I’d been replaying the conversation in my mind over and over again for three days. As my feet pounded the pavement keeping pace with my dad, I glanced over at him, but said nothing.

“You got something on your mind, Peanut?” he asked, slowing down. 

“No,” I said in a clipped tone. “I just want to finish up, and head home.”

“Stretch break,” he said. He stopped completely, and walked over to a picnic table near the lake. I wanted to scream. I was stuck. He’d driven us out there, and I had no way home.

Grumbling under my breath, I lifted my leg onto the bench, and leaned forward stretching my hamstring so it didn’t seize up. He was watching me, but I wouldn’t look at him. I was still trying to figure out how I was feeling about what I’d heard. I was torn. Loyalty to my mom. Loyalty to my dad. Dad #2 was somewhere mixed into all of that like some primordial soup. 

“I’ve been waiting for you to say something, but since you’ve decided not to, I’m going to have to force the issue,” he said. He started stretching his other leg, and I copied his movements, staying silent. He glanced over at me. “You overheard a conversation between your mother and I at the hospital the other day–”

“ –I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said defensively. Lie. That was my best option. I couldn’t look at him. How did he know that? Did he know that? Or was he bluffing? I’d snuck out the other door. He continued to stare at me, saying nothing, and my unease grew. Shit. Finally I said, “Who told you? Jaimie?”

“You did. Just now. At least you verified what I suspected.” He sat down on the picnic table bench, and patted the seat next to him. “You haven’t made eye contact with me for three days, Peanut… and you worked at the hospital that day. I checked.”

I plopped down beside him, sulking. I crossed my arms over my chest, but was otherwise silent.

John

“We have to talk about this, Sami. You know what I say about secrets,” I said.

“You say it, but you don’t do it, is that it?” she replied.

“Fair point,” I told her. “This wasn’t my secret to keep. It was your mom’s, and I–I love her too much to ruin her marriage and tear her family apart.”

“But you want to, don’t you?” she asked me, finally looking at me. I felt relieved. We were going to hash this out next to the lake. Not exactly private, but close enough. “I don’t get it, you know? I really don’t. You’re the one who left! You’re the one who walked away! You put me and Eric to bed like we were children, and you never looked back! Was being our dad really that awful?”

I felt like I’d been slapped. “Is that what you think?”

“What else would I think?” she yelled. She stood up, and then turned away from me, but not before I saw the way her blue eyes filled with tears.

“Sami, honey… Roman asked for time with you. He asked me to stay away, and give him time to re-form the bond he’d lost. I wanted to honor that–”

She turned around so fast her ponytail started to fall. “ –then fucking tell us that!” she screamed. “Don’t just leave us thinking that we were so bad, so awful, that having a family and a baby with Isabella was better! Was that what it was? Brady was your real baby, and we weren’t?”

I reached for her, but she stepped out of my range. “No! No, daddy! I don’t understand! You chose Isabella, and Brady, but then you and mom… you and mom have sex? None of this makes any sense? She gets to have you in her life, but I don’t? And now Eric’s gone! And Carrie’s gone! And everything is so fucking confusing, and unfair, and then… now…” She started crying so hard, she couldn’t even speak, but I knew what she was going to say. Now there were two more innocent lives mixed up in all this.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I’m in so deep

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

John and Sami were home much later than I expected. They came in the door, and Sami gave me a quick look before she headed up the stairs without a word. Her face was red, and her eyes were swollen as if she’d been crying. “John,” I said softly. “It’s after ten o’clock. She still hasn’t done her homework.”

“Let her stay home tomorrow, Doc,” he said as he walked past me, and into the kitchen. His shoulders hung, and he seemed so defeated. Over his shoulder he asked, “Where’s Roman?”

“He’s working on a case. He’ll be home later.” I trailed behind him catching the scent of sweat and Old Spice. Would I always think he smelled amazing? “John, what’s going on?”

“She overheard us, baby.” He reached for a glass, and started filling it with water. My heart thumped, and I stared at him waiting for more. Finally he turned to face me, and leaned back against the kitchen counter, saying softly, “At the hospital on Tuesday, Doc. She overheard our conversation in the staff lounge.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know I’m such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger?

Do you have to, do you have to

Do you have to let it linger?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Linger – The Cranberries

Chapter 3 – Come To My Window

Chapter 3 – Come To My Window

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Come to my window

Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon

Come to my window

I’ll be home soon

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

September 1993

Marlena

Dreams were fantasies. Moments in time when the mind wandered to fantastical realms, or recalled horrific events. I struggled with both. I’d lived a life of trauma, and a life with the most amazing love. I couldn’t decide if I was dreaming, or if it was real but as I stood outside of John’s loft, my heart raced, and my center ached. It didn’t seem logical that I was there. Would he want me? Was I still attractive to him?

He answered his door, and everything inside me screamed for me to turn and run. The room was cast in the soft glow of firelight, warm and inviting. It smelled of soap, and leather, burning wood, and John’s cologne. I shouldn’t be there, but I took the hand he offered, and allowed him to lead me in. His warm hand in mine, his dark blue eyes holding me hostage. I stared up at him, whispering, “I shouldn’t be here.”

“But you are,” he said softly. He fumbled with my coat, finally sliding it from my shoulders. I heard the hiss of fabric as it fell to the floor. “And that tells me you still love me. You still want me.”

It must have been a dream. It had to be a dream. I reached for him, sliding my palms up his abdomen, and he moaned. Oh, it was definitely a dream, but I think that allowed me to fully embrace the fantasy. Soft lips took mine, heated hands stroked my flesh, and I sighed into him.

“I want to see you,” he said roughly, smoothing his hand over the roundness of my belly. “I want to see what you look like in the firelight, round and full with my babies.”

“Oh, G-d,” I sighed, arching towards his touch. One moment I was fully clothed, and the next I stood nude before him while he knelt in front of me. Soft kisses. The lap of his tongue over my heated flesh. “John…” I sighed. “Oh… yes… John…”

“You are so fucking beautiful, Doc.” His gentle words and soft touch were my undoing. Rough palms slid up the back of my thighs. My body trembled. He groaned, “You are so fucking soft.”

“John!” I gasped.

My eyes opened suddenly as the bathroom door slammed. My heart was racing, and I ached with the need for release. What had happened? Where was I? 

My bedroom. I was at home in my bedroom. I glanced over at the clock. It was almost six o’clock in the morning. I squeezed my thighs, feeling an almost overwhelming need to touch myself. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I tried to calm my breathing and slow my heart, but then the bathroom opened with another loud thud, and Roman stalked into the closet.

Oh, G-d. What had I done? Had I cried out for John in my sleep? When Roman exited the closet, he sat on the bed and started to pull on a pair of jeans. “Roman?” I said softly.

He looked at me with hard eyes. “I gotta go to work early.”

I struggled to sit up. “Roman, talk to me… please?”

“I’d rather not right now,” he said. “We haven’t made love in months, Doc, and I gotta tell you it’s no fun to wake up hearing my wife calling out for her ex-husband!”

“Roman, I–”

“ –save it, Doc. I don’t need all the psychobabble about how dreams are involuntary.” He stood up, pulling a shirt over his head, as he said, “Don’t hold dinner.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Doesn’t help much to hear you say you’re sorry when you’re begging for another man’s touch in your sleep. Especially since you don’t want me to fucking touch you,” he said.

Sami

Dad #2 stomped his way downstairs, thumped around for a bit, and then slammed the front door on his way out of the house. I knew more about their sex life, or lack of one apparently, than I wanted to. Mom and I hadn’t talked about the conversation I’d overheard at the hospital yet, although I knew dad had told her. I wasn’t in a rush to have that talk, and I was still trying to figure out how I felt about it all to begin with.

Dad and I had talked for hours that night. I cried. He’d cried. But I understood what he was saying. He’d lived as Roman Brady for eleven years, and it was all suddenly torn away from him. He felt like everything he’d loved – his job, his family, his children, his wife… he lost it all, and he felt like a fraud. He didn’t give us up, we were wrenched from his grasp. I think I felt better about that version. Does that seem mean? But knowing that dad was hurting as much as Eric, Carrie, and I… it counted for something. Learning that mom’s heart was so broken they’d had an affair, that meant something too, in a fucked up, convoluted sort of way. 

I’d been thinking about it really hard though, and it seemed to me that the more recent wedding should count. It seemed to me that the longer marriage should count. I mean, did they do research? Or did they just assume? Because Roman had been declared legally dead. So had my mom. If they were dead, then everything was nullified. Right? None of them were married? They were all single.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I would dial the numbers

Just to listen to your breath

And I would stand inside my hell

And hold the hand of death

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

My feet were throbbing, and I knew if I took my pumps off, I would never get them back on. I’d gone shopping to buy a few more outfits for work, but it felt like such a waste of money when I’d be giving birth in the beginning of November. However, with my job came certain expectations about appearance. Roman had grumbled, of course, but it had to be done. I stood up from my desk, and smoothed my hands over the red dress I wore. It was simple, understated, but still fashionable. I refused to dress like an oversized toddler, and so many maternity fashions were child-like copies. At least the dress I wore made me feel attractive. The v-neck, and empire waist were nice. The three-quarter sleeves were roomy. I felt pretty, and that was hard the larger I got.

My back ached, and I felt like I was starving. I shouldn’t have skipped lunch. Generally, I was a mess. Roman storming out of the house had left me feeling unsettled, or maybe it was my dream about John that had me so conflicted. Whatever it was, I felt that I should have spent the day at home, and I would have… but John had a scheduled appointment. I sighed. I’d only gone to work to spend an hour with John, and that wasn’t something I was ready to face.

I leaned over the sink in the small restroom attached to my office, and I ran a washrag under cool water. Closing my eyes, I dabbed at the back of my neck attempting to cool it. My mind was anywhere but work. I was distracted during sessions, and even when I should have been reviewing patient notes, I was daydreaming about my dream earlier. I opened my eyes, and stared at myself in the mirror. I looked impeccable. Perfect outfit. Not a hair out of place. Makeup done to disguise the lack of sleep that resided underneath my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I closed them again, and then placed my palms on the edge of the sink. I might look composed on the outside, but inside was chaos.

A knock on the door had me looking up quickly. “Doc?” I heard John’s voice say. “I brought lunch.”

Lunch? How did he know? I hung the washcloth over the edge of the sink, and straightened my dress before I opened the bathroom door. “Did you say lunch?” I asked.

“Chinese,” he told me with a smile.

“Oh, my G-d, I love you!” I exclaimed before I could consider my words. 

We were both quiet for several beats as we stared at each other, and then he said, “I know you do.”

I was dazed for a moment. The way he looked me over like he couldn’t get enough of me. The soft tone of his voice. I was in awe, but we couldn’t go there. We could only be friends. I asked, “Egg foo young?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t bring you anything else,” he said, setting the take out bag on the table. “I also brought egg rolls and fried rice. I just need to wash my hands.”

“How did you know I hadn’t eaten?” I called towards the bathroom.

“I spoke with Sami, and she said… she said that you had a rough morning.” He came out, saying, “When you are stressed, you skip meals. I’m here to rectify that.” 

He knew me so well. I was also fairly certain Sami had said more than that, but I wasn’t going to ask. I stood near the bathroom door as he walked past me, and I breathed him in as he came out. I swear I saw him smirk.

John

Roman and Marlena had argued. Well, according to Sami, Roman had done most of the arguing. But Sami and I both knew that when Marlena was upset, meals were skipped, and we couldn’t have that. I watched her firmly plant herself on the sofa. She looked up, saying, “You know, you’re an hour early for your session.”

“So are you kicking me out after lunch?” I asked.

“Are you planning to stay for two hours?” she wanted to know.

I smiled at her and winked, reaching for the bag of Chinese food as I sat down. I was staying for two hours, and she knew it. She sat back with a sigh, and I asked, “Do you want to talk about what happened with Roman this morning?”

Refusing to meet my gaze, she replied, “No. No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Hmm,” I said. “Curious. Sami wasn’t interested in elaborating either. That dress looks amazing on you, by the way. Very flattering.”

“Shut up,” she said glaring at me. “I look like a beached whale.”

“The sexiest fucking beached whale I’ve ever seen.” I handed her a pair of chopsticks, giving her another wink. Marlena could wear a paperbag, and I’d want to rip it off of her. Pouring some rice on two paper plates, I tried to make conversation. “Brady saw a dog yesterday, and yelled woof woof. He still hasn’t said daddy yet, but he can say woof woof.”

She laughed. “He says da-da. Isn’t that enough?”

I shrugged. “I guess. He can also say baa-baa and moo.”

“Impressive.” She reached for the plate I handed her and leaned back into the sofa balancing it on her abdomen, mumbling, “Built in table.”

It was so unexpected. So out of character for the prim and proper Dr. Marlena Evans that I snorted with laughter. G-d, I loved her so much. “How are you feeling lately, Doc?”

She sighed, “Tired. Achy… I’m not sleeping well, my feet are swollen–”

“ –you’re skipping meals,” I told her. Without thought, I reached out and smoothed my hand over her belly. “And these beautiful young ladies need food.”

“I got busy. That’s all.” She kicked her shoes off, and then lifted her feet to set them on her small coffee table.

They were swollen. I could see the outline of where her skin had risen up over the edge of her pumps. “That looks uncomfortable.”

“It is,” she laughed. “I’ll probably never get those shoes back on today.”

I shrugged. “Do you still keep an extra pair of sneakers in the closet? Wear those home.”

“Attractive,” she mumbled.

“Who fucking cares, Doc? Not me. Certainly not Tom Horton.” I settled in beside her, and bumped her with my shoulder in a friendly sort of way. “You are way past the point of trying to be cute, although I still think you’re fucking adorable.”

I saw Marlena smile shyly. “Thanks for the food.”

“I had an ulterior motive. You know it, and I won’t deny it.” I scooped some fried rice into my mouth while she chewed silently next to me. After swallowing I asked, “Have you had a chance to speak with Sami yet?”

Her voice was soft when she said, “Sami and I… no. No, we haven’t talked about it yet, and I – I don’t know how to start that conversation.” 

Marlena

John wrapped up the trash, and put the leftovers in the mini fridge, telling me, “You eat the rest tomorrow. No skipping lunch.” My head rested on the cushion behind me. I was so relaxed. My stomach was full, and the sofa was so soft. John watched me for a moment, and then he approached, lifting my feet from the table. He sat down and placed them on his lap, saying, “Let’s see if we can’t get rid of some of this swelling.”

His hands felt like heaven. His thumb pushed along the center of the bottom of my foot, and I moaned softly as I tried to argue. “John, that’s not necessary. Aren’t you paying for this session?”

“Shhh,” he whispered. “Just close your eyes, and let me do this.”

“It feels so good.” Good was an understatement. It was amazing. I allowed my eyes to close, and focused on the way his hands moved over my feet. “You used to do this for me when we were married.”

“I remember,” he murmured.

“I’m fairly certain there is nothing therapeutic about what you’re doing,” I chuckled. “But it feels so good, I won’t stop you.” One of the babies kicked. “The babies like it, too.”

“Smart kids,” he said, wrapping his fingers around my ankle, and working the muscles there. I groaned. Out loud, and I swear it sounded like sex. I opened my eyes, to find John watching me intently. He shifted, moving his hands up higher to my calves.

Everything about his hands on me was more than I could handle. It was more than proper. My dress shifted higher on my thighs, and I sank deeper into the couch. It was too easy. It was natural. The way my body reacted to him. I wasn’t going to think about it. I closed my eyes again. His hands moved higher, kneading the skin behind my knees… pushing underneath my thighs. I know when I looked at him, I must have seemed drowsy. I was aroused. He knew it. Softly, I whispered, “John, I think we should–”

“ –you are so fucking soft.”

My eyes opened, and I tried to pull my leg from his grasp. My dream. He’d said that in my dream, and I’d melted in his arms. “John we can’t–”

“ –we can’t what?” he whispered, rubbing his strong hands near the hem of my dress. 

I sat up awkwardly, and moved my legs away from his lap, hissing, “You know what.”

Coming to sit beside me, he didn’t ask if he could touch me, and he certainly didn’t warn me that he was about to kiss me. One moment he was stroking my jaw, and the next his lips were on mine. Soft. Hard. Gentle. Rough. My arms lifted of their own volition, my fingers threaded into his hair, and I moaned softly. 

“Tell me to stop,” he rasped. “If this is wrong, baby, tell me to stop.”

“Oh, G-d!” I gasped. His hands slid over my hips, tugging me down the couch as he leaned me back with another arm along my spine. I whined, “I can’t.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You don’t know how far I’d go

To ease this precious ache

And you don’t know how much I’d give

Or how much I can take

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

It had been a week since John kissed me senseless in my office. It had been two days since he’d kissed me in my laundry room. Roman hadn’t slept in our bedroom since he’d stormed out of the house that morning. I was avoiding John, who I seemed to kiss even when I swore I wasn’t going to, and Roman was avoiding me. He claimed he didn’t want to disrupt my sleep, and his work schedule was going to be irregular for a few weeks. It was a lie, but I wasn’t going to fight him on it. I knew he was upset and hurt, and while I was trying to find the motivation to somehow reconnect with him, I was exhausted. The pregnancy was draining me, add on top of that my job, parenting Sami, and the housework. It was easier to allow Roman to sulk every night in the guest room.

I parked my car in the driveway, and turned it off. Sitting there in the silence I listened to the rain as it pounded the roof, and slid in blurry streams down the windshield. It was mid-September, and even though I wasn’t due to give birth until the first week of November, I suspected I would give birth earlier. I had with DJ, and Sami and Eric had been born early as well. I felt huge, and ungainly. I certainly didn’t feel pretty. Pushing a strand of hair away from my face with the back of hand, I sighed. John was here. I’d parked right next to his Jeep. Staring at it, I knew I would have to face him. 

Reaching for my umbrella, I opened my car door, and walked awkwardly towards the house. It was like ripping off a bandaid every time I saw him. I’d avoided him for five days after he kissed me in my office. Then I’d avoided him for two days before he’d cornered me in the laundry room. This would be no different, except there would be no kissing. That had to stop.

I found him standing in my kitchen in clothes that were soaking wet. He had a warm mug of coffee in his hands, and gave me a weak smile. “We were halfway back from our run when the rain started.”

“Oh, John! It’s freezing!” I hadn’t realized that he and Sami had been caught outside in the storm. 

“It’s fine,” he told me. “Sami’s in the shower now. I was going to finish this coffee and then head home. I’m just trying to warm up a little. I’ll turn the heater on in the Jeep.”

“I have some old clothes of yours,” I said quickly. “Upstairs. I lounge in them sometimes. Come on. You can shower and change in my bathroom, and then when the rain slows down, you can go home.”

“Doc, I’m fine,” he hedged. But then he shivered and gave me a wry smile.

“Please?” I asked. “You don’t need to be senselessly cold when I have clothes.”

“Okay.” He sat his coffee on the counter, and started towards the kitchen door. I followed him silently.

John

She looked amazing in that blue dress. Hell, she looked amazing in everything she wore. I went up the stairs ahead of her, because if I walked behind her I knew I’d be staring at her ass the whole way, and she’d been very clear that the kissing had to stop. I hesitated outside of her bedroom, but then I took a deep breath and forced myself over the threshold. 

Behind me, Marlena whispered, “Go into the bathroom. I’ll get the clothes.”

I nodded, and did as she said. It was surreal to be in that space again. I glanced around the room remembering our lives together, and then I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I should have insisted on going home, but the lure of spending more time with her was too much. Shivering violently, I turned on the shower, making sure the water was steaming hot, and then I wrenched my soaked, freezing shirt over my head. Just as I was about to take off my shorts, a soft knock sounded on the door, and then Marlena said, “John? I have–”

I opened the door, whispering, “Thanks.” Turning to check the water temperature again, I found her eyes staring at me when I faced her. With a smirk, I told her, “Just sit them near the sink. I’ll be fast.”

“I go for days without seeing you… promising myself that when I do it will be different… and then I find myself desperate to touch you,” she said softly. “I can’t keep doing this to myself.” 

She turned to leave, and I caught her wrist. Spreading the fingers of her hand, I laid her warm palm against my chest. She branded me, and my eyes closed. She owned me. I wouldn’t allow myself any more than that. I opened my eyes, and stepped back. “I’ll be quick, Doc. I don’t want to be up here when Roman gets home.”

“Roman’s on a stake out,” she whispered.

It wasn’t exactly an invitation, and yet it was. The steam from the shower filled the small space, and I groaned quietly, “Marlena… I think you should go… because what I want to do to you right now is unholy.”

She turned on her heel, and walked out of the bathroom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just to reach you

Just to reach you

Oh, to reach you, oh

Come to my window

Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon

Come to my window

I’ll be home soon

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

I’d been out of the shower for awhile when I saw John leave the house. He was wearing an old set of his clothes that mom used to lounge around the house, and his hair was damp from the shower. I wasn’t going to assume they were up to something, at least not with me in the house, but mom sure had a hard time making eye contact with me later when I was getting a snack from the kitchen. It was a lot of awkward um’s and ah’s that had me wanting to laugh. 

I was back in my bedroom, almost ready for bed when I decided it was time to call Eric. I wanted my family back. Not this fractured makeshift family I’d been gifted by Stefano DiMera. I wanted mom and dad, me, Eric, Carrie… and the new babies… even if they weren’t my dad’s. He’d love them no matter what, and I was sick of being on the sidelines. I was sick of being a background player in my own life. It was time for action. It was time to channel my namesake, and do something devious. I mean devious was okay if it was for a good cause, right? 

Glancing at the clock I realized it was nearly ten o’clock. Mom would tell me lights out as soon as she realized it was that late. That meant almost eight o’clock in Colorado. Lifting the receiver to my telephone, I dialed Eric, hoping he answered the phone.

Eric answered, saying, “I know it’s you, Sami. No one else calls me.”

I grinned, and settled on my bed, criss crossing my legs. “I need you to come home. To Salem. I need your help.”

“I’m in the middle of first quarter, plus I wanted to play lacrosse this year and Salem High does not have a team,” he said. “So, no, I’m not getting involved in any of your hijinks.”

I glanced at my bedroom door, ensuring that it was closed and locked. As softly as I could, I said, “We’ve got a serious situation going on over here, and I need your help, Eric Brady! Come home!”

“Everything is serious with you,” he replied as if I were being dramatic.

“This is serious,” I told him. “More serious than you can imagine.”

“Are you gonna tell me what it is, or just be vague all night?” he asked me.

“Mom and dad… dad as in John-dad had an affair. They had an affair! They had sex, Eric! Sex! And now mom might be pregnant with dad’s babies… not Roman’s babies… and I think, even though dad said it’s over, I think they were kissing again tonight!” I stopped talking, and waited.

Silence. The other end was complete and utter silence.

“Eric?” I hissed. “Are you still there?”

“If I come home,” he said slowly, “you gotta tell dad why you left Colorado.”

I immediately felt sick to my stomach. It was my turn to be quiet. Softly, I said, “I can’t do that.”

“Then I’m not coming home. You’re on your own–”

“ –Eric! No, I–I can’t face him, and tell him–”

“ –you didn’t do anything wrong. Mr. Jenkins did, and you gotta tell someone, because if you don’t it’s going to eat you alive,” he told me.

My stomach churned, and my head started hurting. “You’ll come home?” I asked.

“I swear to G-d, Sami-Gene, I’ll come home,” he said softly.

“Okay,” I whispered. “I’ll-I’ll talk to him.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Keeping my eyes open

I cannot afford to sleep

Giving away promises

I know that I can’t keep

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

Eric was refusing to come home until I told dad what had happened in Colorado, and I’d meant to tell him. I really did, but there I was almost a week later, and I still hadn’t found a way to bring it up. Maybe I didn’t need a way to bring it up, maybe I just needed to do it. I sighed and stared down at my math homework like it was Greek. I mean, in a way it was… it was geometry. Wasn’t Euclid Greek? 

John looked up from the newspaper. He usually stayed with me until mom came home, and then he found an excuse to leave quickly. I think they were kissing the other night. I watched them circle each other most evenings. Awkward conversations. Eye contact that lasted too long. Touches that seemed out of place. I couldn’t figure out if they were running from each other, or if it was going to end up like some sort of gravitational collision. The jury was still out on that one. 

He asked me, “You need help, Peanut?”

“No,” I mumbled. “I was just thinking about how Euclid was Greek and geometry feels like a foreign language and then I thought well if the guidelines for geometry were established by a Greek then it actually is a foreign language–”

“ –that’s some deep thoughts there,” he laughed. He folded the newspaper and set it on the table. “Hey, I heard a new joke today.”

“Oh, G-d, dad, no! Your jokes are always horrible, and they’re not even funny. I just laugh because I can’t do anything else. They’re so bad.” 

I started to do my homework again, but it didn’t matter. Dad said, “Why did the scarecrow become a baseball player?”

I groaned. 

“Because he was out-standing in his field!” my dad said with a cheesy grin.

I laughed because I couldn’t help it, and then I said, “Shut up! I’m trying to concentrate here!” 

The room became silent, and just when I started to focus again, dad asked, “Why was the obtuse triangle so upset?”

“Oh, lord!” I laughed. But I couldn’t help responding, “Why?”

He shrugged. “Because he’s never right.”

I started laughing, and then closed my notebook. “I’m done for tonight.” The front door slammed loudly, and I looked at John in surprise. “Is someone here?”

Marlena

I finished loading the dishwasher, feeling the weight of Roman’s eyes on me. I was tired and I’d worked all day. I didn’t have the energy for another argument, but Roman was intent on having one. “I don’t understand what the problem is. He spends time with her, he helps her with her homework… Roman, you and I were working, and John has the time. He cares about her. How is that a problem?”

He was livid. “I don’t want him involved in our family, Doc! I told you that from the start. I wanted time to bond with the kids, but I never got that–”

“ –don’t you lie!” I hissed, turning on him quickly. “You had plenty of time, and you know what you did with it? You ran after Bo when he was kidnapped. You took ISA cases. You worked sixty hours a week! You had plenty of time, and you wasted it.”

He stared at me in surprise. It was the first time I’d actually come back at him in a disagreement. I was usually the one trying to placate him, or help him understand, but what he was doing was ridiculous. 

“Would you rather she spend after school at home alone?” I asked.

“She could go to the pub,” he said weakly. “Ma and Pop could–”

“ –your mother and father have a business to run!” I said loudly. “They help Bo with Shawn D now that Hope is gone, and they’re in their seventies! It is not their job to do that, and Sami loves John! She loves him! He raised her for eleven years, Roman! Don’t take that away from her. Please.”

“This is part of the fucking problem!” he roared. “My own kids can’t stand me, and you encourage it! But I come home, and have to listen to Sami in the kitchen laughing with John like he’s her best fucking friend in the whole G-d damned world!”

“I do not encourage it!” I said in a low voice. “But you could make an effort. You don’t, but you don’t want John around because he does? Help me make sense of this.”

He didn’t. Instead he slammed the kitchen door so hard it left a dent in the wall, and I found Sami crying in the laundry room. I wiped the tears from her face as I whispered, “You’ve really got to stop listening in on conversations that are not for your ears.”

She looked up at me, saying, “Why did the scarecrow become a baseball player?”

John. I smiled, pulling her into my arms. Holding her tightly, I asked, “Why?”

“Because he was out-standing in his field,” she whispered. And it broke my heart.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nothing fills the blackness

That has seeped into my chest

I need you in my blood

I am forsaking all the rest

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

I sat on the exam table waiting for Dr. Bader to say something, but from the look on her face I knew it wasn’t something I wanted to hear. I was only there because Tom Horton had seen me get lightheaded near the nurses station. I’d tried to play it off as fatigue, but because he knew the pregnancy was high risk, he’d insisted that I see Karen. 

She gave me a serious look. “You’re already dilated a centimeter, and your blood pressure is higher than I’d like it to be. We need you to stay pregnant as long as possible, and you have a history of early births… I’m going to ask that you reduce your workload to part time, and then go on partial bedrest.”

Everything else she had to say seemed to fade into the background. All I could think about was the impossibility of rearranging my life. Sami’s afterschool tutoring, her dance class, my evening appointment’s on Wednesday’s, fixing dinner… how was I supposed to navigate it all while sitting on a couch, or in bed?

“Marlena?” Dr. Bader asked.

I blinked at her in surprise. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to figure out how to reschedule some things.”

“I hear that a lot,” she said. “This is the point when the husband has to take on some more household responsibilities. It’s the nineties. Time to move with the times.” She was quiet for a moment, contemplating her next words, and then she told me, “You seem to still have a wonderful friendship with John. I’m sure he would be willing to help out as well.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. Maybe I should have taken her words at face value. Maybe she was implying something deeper. “Oh, um, well yes–”

“ –Marlena,” Karen said softly. “It’s obvious he still cares for you and Sami. I’m not reading any more into the situation.”

I felt tears sting my eyes. “You should,” I whispered.

She sighed, reaching for my hand. “I suspected, but it’s not my place to say anything. Are the babies his?”

“I don’t know,” I choked out. “The blood test was inconclusive. They have my blood type.” I finally met her gaze, telling her, “That’s why he’s so invested.”

“I think it’s more than that. I can see that,” she said. “He loves you.”

“Oh, G-d!” I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide my shame.

“I don’t usually get involved with my patients personally, but we’re colleagues as well. I’d like to consider us friends, and… while Roman hasn’t been to a single appointment, I’ve seen John twice in the last month.” She stood up, smiling at me gently, saying, “We can do a DNA test after the birth. No one has to know in the lab. I can use another name… or code it with a number if you’d like.”

There was a knock on the door and then John poked his head in with a look of concern. “Hey, sorry to barge in, but Alice said that Marlena was feeling dizzy, and I thought I’d come check on her.”

Karen smirked, whispering, “Three times,” as she walked towards the door. “I’m going to leave strict instructions at the front desk for your bedrest, and I’ll also be forwarding it to Dr. Horton.”

John

“Bedrest? Doc, what happened?” I asked when the door had closed on Dr. Bader’s departure. 

“It’s probably nothing,” she told me, scooting near the edge of the table so she could stand up. I took her hand, holding her steady as she did. “I got a little dizzy earlier, and Tom insisted that I come here. But the headaches, dizziness, and high blood pressure are all concerning enough to have her place me on partial bedrest.” 

“Okay, okay. Bedrest isn’t too bad. Right?” I wiped the tears from her face. “Roman can do more, Sami’s older now, and she can cook dinner. It’ll work out, Doc.” 

She leaned into me, and it was perfectly natural to fold her in my arms. I rubbed over her spine, murmuring, “It’s going to work out, baby.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just to reach you

Just to reach you

Oh, to reach you, oh

Come to my window

Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon

Come to my window

I’ll be home soon

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

I stared at my husband in surprise. “You cannot be serious right now.”

“Look, Doc, I know it’s sudden, but Shane needed someone fast, and the babies aren’t due for over a month. It’s not a big deal,” Roman said. “I’ll be back in a few days, and I won’t take another assignment until after the babies are born.”

“These babies are likely going to come early!” I said from where I sat on the couch. “That’s what I told you the other day after my appointment with Dr. Bader. You said you understood that I needed more help around the house.”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal. Sami can handle the house for a few days,” he told me. 

“Sami needs to focus on school,” I replied. “Aside from her regular chores, I’m not piling more on her.”

“She’ll be fine. I’ll talk to her, you’ll see. It’s a few days, and then I’ll be home before you know it.” He smiled at me as if he had solved all of our problems. As he went up the stairs to pack, I knew he’d just added another to the growing pile of problems we had.

John

“Hey, Doc!” I said into the telephone as I sank into the couch with Brady asleep in my arms. “I’m calling to do my evening check-in. Tell Sami I’m sorry about cancelling our runs the last few days. As soon as Brady kicks this cold we can get back to it.”

“I told you I could watch Brady–”

“ –nah. I don’t want you catching it. You’ve got enough to worry about without getting sick on top of things. How are you feeling anyway?” I asked. I hadn’t seen her since Dr. Bader had put her on partial bedrest. Being alone with her was difficult, and lately I seemed to end up kissing her more often than not. “Is it getting crowded in there?”

She laughed. “Very crowded, which is why I have to pee every twenty minutes, and I have heartburn all the time.”

“You sure that it’s not because you eat all of those pickles?”  I joked.

“I don’t know what to say about the pickles. They’ve never tasted so good, and after the babies are born they probably won’t ever taste that good again.” 

“I was picking Brady up from the pub tonight, and Caroline mentioned Roman going out of town for a few days,” I said. She’d actually said more than that, but I wasn’t going to tell Marlena that I thought her husband was a fucking loser.

“I’m not happy about it,” she said. I was surprised she said it at all. 

I rubbed my hand over my face, and Brady grunted in his sleep. “Is Sami helping out more?”

She sounded so tired when she said, “She is, but it’s… and I shouldn’t even be saying this, but there’s a disconnect between Roman and I. I express myself. I tell him what I need, and yet… he doesn’t seem to hear it at all.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don’t care what they think

I don’t care what they say

What do they know about this love anyway?

Come, come to my window

I’ll be home, I’ll be home, I’ll be home

I’m coming home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

Something had been on Sami’s mind since we’d been on our run. I’d driven us out to the lake again, but it might be the last time there for the season. The air blowing over the water was growing increasingly cold. I looked up ahead, and saw the picnic table where we’d hashed out our problems a few weeks before. I started to slow down, as I glanced over at her, “You got something you want to talk about?”

“How did you–” She slowed down, saying, “Nevermind. It’s like you know me better than I know myself.”

“Nah. But I know you pretty well, and I know something is on your mind.” We stopped near the picnic table, and started stretching. “I want you to know that I love you, and I will always consider you my daughter.”

“Do you remember when I first came back to Salem, and you had that conversation with me about responsibility, and how much money mom and Roman spent on that school in Colorado?” she asked me.

“I do. I just wanted you to understand that when you commit to things, it’s important,” I told her.

“I didn’t tell you why I came home. I was ashamed, I think… and even though mom pushed the issue, my dad… well he didn’t really seem to care. He was just glad to have me home. And the thing is, I was glad, because I didn’t want to tell anyone. I just wanted to forget everything and start over again, but now…” Her voice trailed off, and she allowed her hair to fall forward and cover her face as she sat down.

I suddenly had an uneasy feeling. “Sami, honey? What happened in Colorado?”

“Do you remember when you used to make Eric and I play those games where you pretended to be the kidnapper, and we had to run away from you screaming, you’re not my mommy and you’re not my daddy?” She smiled slightly as she remembered, but still managed to keep her eyes firmly rooted on her feet.

“I do. I wanted you to know how to react because sometimes if a child screams, it’s overlooked. If a child screams that, people pay attention.” I tipped my face down to hers, asking, “Where is this going?”

“You did that a lot, you know? You taught us things that kept us safe, and I think… maybe I forgot some of it. Or maybe as I got older, I felt safer… or I felt like I wasn’t in danger anymore. You know?” I remembered every life lesson I’d given them. All in a desperate attempt to keep my children safe. I’d pounded them into their heads, but something was telling me she’d been hurt anyway. “I had a teacher in Colorado, Mr. Jenkins. He was nice. He used to tell me how smart I was, and give me special jobs he didn’t give to anyone else. It was nice, you know. I was flattered at first.” 

She got quiet, and I felt sick to my stomach, but I didn’t say anything. She was trusting me, and my reaction could make or break this new bond we were forming.

Sami looked at me with tears in her eyes, “You see, I didn’t realize until it was too late that he was grooming me. That’s what you called it, remember? When Eric and I were little and you told us what that was… because of what happened with Aunt Kim… and Grandpa’s brother.”

“I remember,” I said softly. Finding out that Kim had been molested by a family member had scared me to death. 

“Mr. Jenkins started touching me. Little things at first, a hand on my shoulder, a bit of lint on my pant leg. Then he was telling me how beautiful my hair was, and then calling me in for extra tutoring. He started saying he could love me… then he said he did love me, and I started to feel more and more uncomfortable, and sick… dad, I was sick all of the time. Just thinking about school, or Mr. Jenkins class had me throwing up.” She finally looked at me, and I felt such relief, as she said, “So I ran away. I ran away, and I just wanted to forget it and never think about it again.”

“Sami,” I whispered gently. She tried to blink back her tears when I said, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I should have known, because you taught me and Eric about it. I guess I just thought, maybe it only applied to little kids. Or maybe that I was old enough and mature enough to recognize when someone was dangerous… but I didn’t, and now I worry. I worry that he’s done it before me, and maybe he went further. I worry that maybe he’ll do it again–”

“ –we’ll report it.You won’t be able to press charges, but we can make the school aware of what he did to you–”

“ –to protect other girls,” she asked me.

I took her chin in my fingers, and tipped her face up to mine. “Yes, and to protect you.”

“Me?” she asked.

“To teach you your value as a woman, Peanut. You are not a commodity for the male gaze. Your body belongs to you, and no one else. So, yes, we are reporting this to protect you, baby.” She fell into my arms when she started crying.

We sat there for what felt like ages, until she whispered, “Please don’t tell mom until the babies are born.”

I knew why. Marlena was having a hard time as it was. Now with Roman choosing to go on an ISA mission at the worst possible moment. I sighed, “Until the babies are born… but then we tell your mother everything. Because she knew Sami. She knew something was wrong when you came home.”

“I know,” she whispered. “She always does.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Come to my window

Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon

Come to my window

I’ll be home soon

I’ll be home, I’ll be home

I’m coming home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Eric

I hadn’t called. No one knew I was coming. I just bought a ticket and left Colorado. Telling my grandparents I wanted to surprise my parents was easy. They wanted to retire. I knew they loved me, but they didn’t want to parent me. I think they were almost relieved to see me go.

I had the cab drop me off a block away, and I’d rolled my suitcase behind me all the way home. Glancing through the thin curtains on the French doors, I was surprised to see my mom curled up on the couch with John beside her. Sami sat on the floor in front of the couch with her head resting on dad’s knee. It made my chest ache. That was our life. The one that had been stolen from us. That was the life that Sami and I planned to fight for. We were getting it back. Sami and I had a plan, and she already had the wheels in motion.

I opened the front door, stepping inside as I said, “Am I invited to this party?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Come to my window, oh

Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon

Come to my window

I’ll be home soon

I’ll be home, I’ll be home, I’ll be home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Come To My Window – Melissa Etheridge

Chapter 4 – Runaway Train

Chapter 4 – Runaway Train

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Call you up in the middle of the night

Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a blow torch burning

I was the key that could use a little turning

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

October 1993

Eric

I stared at Sami incredulously. “Are you sure this is going to work? I mean how reliable is that weatherman anyway? Doesn’t he get it wrong all the time?”

She laughed, “I double checked with channel 3 and channel 8. They said the same thing. There’s supposed to be an electrical storm tomorrow night, and you know every time there’s an electrical storm this house loses power. It’s the perfect plan!”

“So how do we get rid of the gas for the generator? You know Roman always keeps that can full,” I said.

“Mow the grass,” she said with a shrug. “Pour it out. I don’t care what you do with it. Just get rid of it.”

“Mow the grass? In October?” I laughed.

“Sure. Mow the grass, and if mom asks why, just tell her you thought it needed done once more before the winter, and since Roman’s not here, you decided to take some initiative.” She shrugged. “She’ll love that, you dimwit. She won’t ask any questions. She’ll just be really grateful.”

I rolled my eyes at her. I wasn’t so sure. Our mom was smarter than that. She would be suspicious. The weather was already cooling down, and the growth of the grass had slowed to a crawl. It didn’t need to be mowed, but if we wanted to get rid of that gas, I guess I’d be mowing the lawn. “Okay, and what about us?”

“We’re going to sleep at grandma and grandpa’s tomorrow night,” she said confidently. “Mom won’t ask questions since it’s the weekend. I mean think about it, we’ll be at grandma and grandpa’s, mom will be home alone, and then the storm comes… and then the electricity goes out, but oh-no, there’s no gas for the generator, and dad’s out of town.”

I cocked my eyebrow at her. Her scheming was ridiculous.

“Oh, come on, Eric! She’s gonna call dad! She’ll call him!” she said in exasperation. 

Sami’s hairbrained schemes rarely worked, but this one sounded feasible. If the weather cooperated. “What if she calls Uncle Bo or grandpa?”

She grinned, “She won’t. She’s gonna call dad. Trust me on this, Eric. I’ve been watching them, and it will be explosive. She’ll fight it, but it won’t stop her. She’s gonna call dad.”

I did not want to picture what Sami meant by explosive. Mom was hugely pregnant. If they had sex again, how did that even work? I tried to push the idea out of my head. All I cared about was repairing my family. The rest of it was not my business.

Sami

Eric had no faith in my plan, but I knew my mom. I watched her like a hawk. I studied her like she was a sociology project, and she watched dad like a woman in love. Five days a week Eric and I ran with dad. I didn’t need him to keep pace any more, not really, but we enjoyed our time with him, and afterwards he would check on mom. Dad #2’s few days on an ISA case became two weeks, and he still hadn’t returned. Mom was on partial bedrest, and for a few days Eric and I were doing our best to manage everything. But cooking dinners, cleaning the bathrooms, and managing the laundry was a lot when we also had school and homework. 

Then one day, about a week after dad had left, the doorbell rang, and Mabel was standing there with a bag of groceries, and a big smile. We had pot roast for dinner that night. I eavesdropped on a phone call mom made to dad later that night. She kept telling John it was too much. He was too involved, she said. He said he loved her. He loved me and Eric, and since Roman was failing his family, he would do whatever needed to be done to take care of us. Mom stopped arguing. She sighed when he whispered again that he loved her, and, while she didn’t say it back, I heard it in the way she said, goodnight, John.

My plan was going to work. It had to.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So tired that I couldn’t even sleep

So many secrets I couldn’t keep

Promised myself I wouldn’t weep

One more promise I couldn’t keep

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

The storm outside was raging, and the electricity had gone out. I wasn’t surprised. We still had above ground powerlines that gave out during every single storm we’d ever had. I managed to become soaking wet outside trying to start the generator, and then realized that Eric had used up all of the gasoline when he’d unnecessarily mowed the day before. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he shouldn’t have done it, and I certainly wasn’t aware that he’d used the gas meant for the generator to do it.

With a heavy sigh I trudged up stairs with a flashlight to shower, change my clothes and figure out what to do. I could call Shawn, but I worried about him out in this weather at his age. I could call Bo, but he was on the boat with Shawn D. I might call Abe… but then I thought about John. He was the last person I should call; however I knew he was alone. Brady was staying with Victor for the weekend. I could call John, but I shouldn’t call him.

I dried my hair with a towel, and then slid a soft cotton nightgown over my head. I was surprised it still fit with my advanced pregnancy. I fingered the soft fabric along the cap sleeves as I recalled finding it in the back of the closet on my first night home two years earlier. If I’d kissed John that night, if we’d made love, perhaps my life wouldn’t be as confusing as it was.

I lifted the telephone receiver with a shaky hand, and with intention I dialed John’s number. Rationality be damned.

John

I glanced at the clock when the telephone rang. It was after ten o’clock. I’d just dried off after my shower, and my first thought was that it was Sami or Eric and Marlena was in labor. I silently cursed Roman as I strode across the room, snatching up the receiver. “Hello?”

“John?” came Marlena’s soft voice. “I’m sorry to call but the electricity’s gone out, and well, I think Eric used the last of the gas to mow the lawn yesterday.”

“He what?” I asked. That didn’t make sense. Eric knew the rule. Generator gas was never used for the lawnmower. It was always ready in case of an emergency because during electrical storms the power almost always went out. 

“He used the gas to mow the lawn,” she repeated as if I hadn’t really heard her. I smiled. G-d she was even fucking adorable on the telephone.

“Okay. Okay, baby. Don’t worry about it.” I pulled a pair of sweatpants, and a sweatshirt out of my dresser, and started tugging the pants on. “I’ve got a gas container in my Jeep. I’ll fill it up. I can be there in twenty minutes.”

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“Anything for you, Doc. Hang tight,” I said. “I’ll see you in a few.” I hung up, and then pulled the sweatshirt over my head. Ruffling through my drawers I located a pair of socks, and then ran downstairs. I was out the door in less than five minutes.

The weather was awful. Rain hit my windshield faster than the wiper blades could clear it, slowing my progress to a crawl as I navigated the dark streets. As I drove to the nearest gas station the night sky was periodically lit with flashes of lightning. The display was impressive since most of the power seemed to be out. As I pumped gas, the wind whipped the rain underneath the awning soaking me to my skin. I pushed my hair out of my face, and after what felt like an eternity, closed the lid on the container of gas, and stuck it in the back of the Jeep. 

I turned the heat up in the car, and then made my way towards Marlena’s house.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It seems no one can help me now

I’m in too deep, there’s no way out

This time I have really led myself astray

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena opened her front door wrapped in a thick pink terry cloth robe, and damn she looked warm. I, on the other hand, was freezing. She glanced over me in surprise, saying, “Oh, John! I’m so sorry!”

I kissed her cheek, as I came into the house, saying, “Hey, pretty lady.”

“I shouldn’t have called you. You’re soaking wet.” Turning away from me, she said, “I have fresh towels in the dryer, let me get you one.”

“Not yet,” I told her, lifting the gas tank. “I’ve got to fill the generator, but first let me get a fire started.”

“You don’t have to do that,” she said softly. “You must be freezing, John.”

“I’ve been through worse than this,” I laughed. “One year we had a blizzard, the electricity went out, and I had to shovel a path to the shed, and then another path to the generator. That night, I actually was freezing. Sami called me a dad-popsicle.”

She couldn’t help smiling as she followed me over to the fireplace. I looked around, realizing that the matches weren’t where I used to keep them, and she said softly, “Roman moved them to the hutch near the kitchen door. I’ll get them.”

I wasn’t going to tell her it made no sense that they were twenty feet away from the fireplace. I could tell from the way she said it, she already knew. Instead I watched her cross the room, thinking that even at almost eight months pregnant, she moved with a sensual grace. When she came back towards me, I held out my hand, saying, “You know, Doc, you’re beautiful in the glow of a flashlight.”

She smacked my hand as I stroked her hip. “You’re an insufferable flirt, John Black, even when you’re soaked to the skin in freezing rain.” 

I smiled, “So, Eric mowed the grass yesterday?”

“He was trying to help me,” she said. “With Roman gone he felt like it needed to be mowed one more time before we stopped for the winter.”

“And he used the generator gas, huh?” I asked. 

“I guess there wasn’t any other gas available. He didn’t realize it, I’m sure.” She sat on the brick hearth, next to where I was kneeling, and I could smell the soft scent of the lotion she usually put on before bed. I wasn’t going to tell her that Eric’s grass mowing story had holes in it fifty feet wide, but I was fairly sure it was intentional. I just couldn’t figure out why. “So the twins are staying at the pub tonight?”

“Yes. It was unexpected. They’ve been so protective of me while Roman’s been gone. It was surprising that they both wanted to sleep over at Shawn and Caroline’s tonight, but I think they needed a break.” She sighed. “My bedrest has been hard on them.”

I was beginning to think that my being there was part of a larger plot. Not that I was upset by that. Time alone with Marlena was a gift I wouldn’t question right then, but I was planning to have a conversation with a certain set of twins the next time I saw them.

Marlena

I stood at the back door watching the lightning streak across the sky as I waited for John to get the generator started. Rain slashed across the sky, and I grew increasingly worried. It shouldn’t have taken that long, but maybe it was because he’d fallen? Then the lights came on with a stutter, and still I waited. I was just about to throw open the door, and trek outside when he appeared, scaring me.

He entered the house with a resounding crash of thunder followed a few seconds later by a flash of lightning. He stood on the linoleum with water dripping from his hair, and his grey sweatshirt and pants clinging to his body. “Oh, John!” I cried. 

I turned quickly on my heel, walking towards the laundry room. I heard him calling behind me, “Doc, I’m fine.”

But he wasn’t. When I turned around with a towel clasped in my hand, I realized he was standing in the room with me. I shoved the towel towards him, saying, “Strip. We’ll put your clothes in the dryer.”

He gave me a sexy smirk, repeating, “Strip? Right here? Are you sure about that?” He laid the towel on the bench beside him.

I wasn’t sure at all, but my belly flopped, and my chest fluttered. Nodding slowly, I said, “I’m sure… you can’t sit around in wet clothes.”

He reached down, gripping the hem of his sweatshirt, and pulled it over his head. I stared at his chest with a lump in my throat. He stepped closer, handing me the wet item of clothing, and then asked me, “But sitting around in a towel is okay?”

“We’re adults,” I said softly. He stared at me with those intense blue eyes. My heart raced, and  I whispered, “We’re adults.” I turned around, and pulled the dryer open to shove his sweatshirt inside, and then I turned back to him and waited with my hand out. “The sweatpants too, John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

I hooked my thumbs into my water logged sweatpants, and I started to lower them over my hips holding her gaze the whole time. But then her eyes dipped, and  I heard Marlena’s soft gasp when she realized I wasn’t wearing any boxers. Still she didn’t look away from my naked body. My cock twitched, and she glanced up quickly, finally meeting my gaze. Taking another step closer to her I handed her the sweatpants, and then reached for the towel beside me. As I started drying my damp skin, she came so close I could feel her heat. Her soft hand slid up my bicep, and I froze. “Doc…” I said softly.

“I forget how beautiful you are,” she said. “Until I see you like this, and I remember what it feels like to touch you. It’s almost spiritual.”

I closed my eyes, and focused on the slow glide of her hand over my skin. I wasn’t going to be able to stop this if I didn’t step away from her. Instead, I wrapped the towel around my waist, and watched her. I groaned softly, staring at her hand on my skin. I sighed, “Oh, baby… I miss this. I miss you. I miss us.”
I reached for the tie on her robe, tugging at it roughly. If she was going to touch me, I was damned sure going to touch her. I slid my hands inside along her hips with a soft hiss of pleasure. She was so soft. So warm. The scent of her lotion hit me, and I groaned, sliding my hands higher. Over the sides of her abdomen, feeling the roundness of where the babies grew, over her ribs, and then I was cupping her heavy breasts. I growled, feeling my cock start to fill, “So fucking gorgeous, baby…”

She stared up at me in awe, her lips parted and beckoning. Slipping one hand over her shoulder, I buried my hand in her hair, pulling her mouth to mine. “Oh, John,” she sighed against my mouth. “Oh… oh… oh…”

I kissed her like a man who’d been starved. I slid an arm around her waist, pulling her as close as I could. Feeling her body like that made me ravenous. I bit at her tender flesh. I licked across her mouth. My tongue slid along hers. “Oh, Marlena… G-d…” Pushing the robe off of her shoulders, I heard it fall to the floor at our feet. Staring down at her, I realized which nightgown she was wearing. The last time she’d worn it, I’d dreamed of peeling it off of her body, and making love to her. I’d held back then. I didn’t want to hold back now.

Reaching down, I lifted her into my arms and strode towards the kitchen door, through to the living room. I couldn’t get enough of her. 

Marlena

John stood me gently on my feet, and then sat on the couch in front of me. He stared up at me with eyes that glowed with love. He loved me. I loved him. G-d, how I loved him. I stood in front of him, almost gasping for air. My chest heaved, and then he touched me. Soft. Gentle. I could feel the heat of his palm through the thin cotton, and I leaned into his touch. The firelight played over his hair, his skin, and the features of his face. He was beautiful. 

I reached down, trailing my fingers along his jaw. I wasn’t going to stop this. I’d been fighting it for months. I leaned down, kissing him softly. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted to feel the burn of his eyes. I felt ungainly and overwhelmingly large most of the time, but John made me feel… sexy, alive…

I stepped closer, watching as his legs parted. His towel came undone, and there was no way he could hide his reaction to me. His finger reached around my legs, sliding up underneath the hem of my nightgown. His eyes were beseeching. He wanted me. My belly fluttered, and then I felt one of the babies kick. It was so wrong, but it was so fucking right at the same time. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Can you help me remember how to smile?

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on Earth did I get so jaded?

Life’s a mystery seems so faded

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

“I want to see you,” I said softly. “I want to see your body in the light of the fire. I want to touch you… caress your soft skin. I want to worship you, Doc. I want to fucking pray to you.”

I pulled the cotton fabric up higher, exposing her thigh, and then her hip. Leaning forward, I trailed my lips across her heated skin with a soft moan. Marlena laced her fingers through my hair. Licking over her skin, I whispered, “Please, Marlena. Allow me to see you.”

She reached down, wrapping the loose fabric in her fingers, and then she started to pull it up over her head. Her body was revealed to me inch by inch, until she was left completely nude in front of me. I reached out, running my palms over her rounded abdomen, and then along her hips. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and her breasts hung heavy with dusky nipples. My mouth watered. I reached for her, saying softly, “Come here.”

When she was standing between my splayed legs, I wrapped my hands around the back of her thighs, parting her, sinking my fingers into her moist heat. Her head rolled, and her eyes closed as she gasped. I ran the tip of my nose over her rounded abdomen, whispering, “You are so fucking beautiful.”

Marlena

I was on fire. I would burn into ashes underneath his ministrations. His fingers sank into my swollen heat, and I shifted my legs allowing him more access. His voice was rough when he said, “That’s right, baby. Open up for me.”

My legs shook, my heart slammed in my chest. I ached everywhere. I’d never been so aroused in my life. Staring down at him, I threaded my fingers into his dark hair, tightening my fists as desire rocked me. His finger flicked over my clit, and I tipped my hips forward as I gasped, “More. Oh, G-d, John! More!”

When his mouth took my breast, suckling me long and deep, I almost collapsed. He pulled me against him, dragging me onto his lap. My knees parted, and I felt him, long and slick tucked into my throbbing core. I bucked against him, and I felt the babies kick again. “Hey,” he whispered, slowing me down. “Don’t rush this, baby. I won’t rush something I’ve been dreaming of for months.”

“My body… John, I ache for you,” I whispered. I pressed my breasts against his chest, and then bit at his ear lobe. My hips rolled, and he groaned low in my ear. I closed my eyes, trying to slow my body down. It wasn’t a race to the finish line, and I would get there. John would make sure I got there. Briefly I thought about Roman, and then just as quickly I refused to consider him. That moment was no one but John and I. I would deal with the fallout later.

Sucking my nipple between his lips again, he stared up at me, and I was lost. I pushed against his cock, feeling that ache when my clit ground into him. Over and over again, as his mouth pulled and sucked at my breasts. I climbed higher, and higher, until I was exploding, and he held me. My back arched, and I cried out into the silence.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can go where no one else can go

I know what no one else knows

Here I am drowning in the rain

With a ticket for a runaway train

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I rested my forehead against his, trembling as the aftershocks washed over me. John’s hands smoothed over body. He stared up into my eyes, as I said, “You make me feel so beautiful.”

“You are beautiful,” he whispered. His hands gripped my hips, and pulled me flush against his rigid cock. “You will always be the most beautiful, most amazing woman in my life. I want you so much, baby… I know we shouldn’t be doing this, but fuck… I want to make love to you so badly.”

I rose up on my knees, staring down at him through the fall of my hair, and then I reached down, gripping his length in my hand. He hissed, and closed his eyes as I swirled his tip in my heat, and then I slid down his length, letting him fill me. He bucked up into me, and I felt my body clench around him. My fingernails scratched at his neck, and I pushed him even deeper, rocking against him. “I love you,” I gasped. “Oh, how I love you.”

He stared up at me, and lifted me to pull out slightly, only to push back in. “You know I love you. I’ve never denied it. Never.”

John

I was lost in the heat of her. The feel of her breasts dragging across my chest. The way her body felt under my hands, pregnant and full of life. I glanced down at her abdomen, knowing deep in my soul that those were my children. My babies. Our babies. 

I set the pace, slow and deep. My hands held her hips against me, and I found myself more in love with her than I had ever been. I knew, at that moment, that I would never be able to give her up. My heart would be hers forever.

Later, as I held her body close to mine on the couch in the house she shared with her husband, I whispered softly, “I love you. I want you in my life… I don’t care who’s children you carry, Doc. I don’t care. I love them. I love Sami, and Eric, and Carrie… I love you. I love you.”

She curled into me, sliding her palm up my chest. “I love you,” she said quietly. I could hear the sleep in her voice, as she said, “I love you so.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And everything seems cut and dry

Day and night, earth and sky

Somehow I just don’t believe it

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

I knew dad was about to corner me, and say something about the stunt Eric and I pulled Saturday night. He’d been watching me for over an hour, but with mom in the room, he wasn’t going to say anything. That was until she excused herself to go to the restroom, which she seemed to do every twenty minutes or so. I just pictured two babies inside her using her bladder for a punching bag. But here’s the thing. I saw the scratches that dad had on his neck when we went running on Monday. I saw the purple bruise on mom’s collarbone when her shirt dipped a little on Tuesday. I was pretty sure what they’d been up to on Saturday night.

As soon as dad heard the bathroom door close, he leaned forward giving Eric and I a hard stare across the dining room table, saying, “You decided to mow the grass in the middle of October, and you used up all of the gas for the generator. You want to tell what was really going on?”

I looked over at Eric, and then back at dad. I tried to gauge his mood. He didn’t seem angry. He didn’t seem irritated. So I shrugged, and said, “Eric and I… we want our family back. The one we had before. So we… we forced your hands.”

“Forced our hands?” he asked incredulously. He sat back in his chair, gazing at us with some reflection. “Here’s the thing, Sami, I’ve been honest with you both. I love your mother. I want a life with all of you, but what you did was dumb. You know that don’t you?”

“Dumb?” I asked in surprise. “It worked didn’t it?”

Eric was silent, but he seemed to understand what dad was saying, because he told me, “Because mom could have gotten hurt.”

“Exactly,” dad said. “She was outside rummaging through the shed, she was trying to start the generator… what if she’d fallen? Anything could have happened to her. She’s so far into her pregnancy that her center of balance is off. She’s not exactly steady on her feet.”

John 

“But she didn’t fall!” Sami cried. “Everything was fine, and–and you got time with her. You had a chance to reconnect. Don’t lie to me. I–”

I cocked my eyebrow, daring her to say more, and she blushed. Eric wouldn’t meet my gaze. I sighed, “Look, I’m not trying to tear up your mom’s marriage to Roman. I do love her. I do want a life with her, but that has to be her choice, Sami. She has to decide that.”

“She will! She loves you. It’s so obvious, dad. She watches every move you make. She whispers your name in her sleep. She stares at the wedding photo of you two that she hides in the hutch! She loves you, she just needs to face it!” Sami’s eyes filled with tears. She wiped at them with the back of her hand in a motion that was so reminiscent of her mother. 

“While you and I both know that’s true, we can’t force her decision. I won’t be the one to do that. Neither will you or Eric. So, whatever other plans you have concocted, forget them,” I said. I glanced over at the couch, and then looked away again. I’d made love to Marlena on that couch only days before. I wanted Marlena in my life more than anything. I stood up, saying, “I love you both. You know that. But right now, we have to think about your mother first. After the babies are born we can think about the rest.” I glanced at my watch. “I’ve got to pick up Brady.”

Marlena came into the room, watching us all with curiosity, since we’d all gone eerily silent. She didn’t comment on it, but I knew she was wondering. Glancing at me she asked, “Are you leaving?”

I wished we were alone, but Eric and Sami were watching us. I cleared my throat, saying, “Yeah. Yeah, I’ve got to pick up Brady.”

“I’ll walk you out,” she said softly. I caught Sami’s glance at Eric. I caught his grin. Brats. But still happiness welled up inside me as Marlena followed me outside.

She followed me around to the driver’s side. No one could see us over there. I turned around, and then slid my hand into her hair, tugging her closer as my mouth landed on hers. She slipped her arms around my neck, moaning softly, and for a few moments in time there was nothing but me… and her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena

Roman came home, breezing back into our lives three weeks after he’d left. A few days had turned in twenty one days. It was overwhelming. It was exhausting. During his absence a soft, sort of quiet peace had descended on the house. The children and I saw John almost daily. Mabel was such a huge help. Things slowed down again. They became steady. I looked forward to each day with a sense of wonder instead of dread. 

When he walked into the house, Sami was on the couch re-watching one of her older Santa Barbara episodes. Eric was out with a friend, and Mabel was bustling around in the kitchen. I sat on one end of the couch, tucked in with a medical journal. The door opened, a cold blast of air came in, and then… there was Roman Brady. We both stared at him with wide, surprised eyes. He laughed. “What? Aren’t you happy to see me?”

Mabel came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel. “Marlena, I’ve got dinner in the crock pot. Let it cook on low until about 6:30.”

Completely ignoring Roman, Sami paused her video, asking Mabel, “Oh! What’s for dinner?”

“White bean chili. You know how to make those corn muffins I showed you a few years ago, right?” Mabel glanced over at Roman, “Oh! Mr. Brady. I didn’t know you’d be home.”

He was silent as he dropped his duffle bag on the floor. “Sami, can you take my bag upstairs?”

She stared at him for a moment, and then glanced at me. Softly, I told her, “Do it. Please.”

Mabel sensed the tension in the room. So did the babies. They must have felt the shift in my mood. Maybe it was because my pulse picked up, because I felt them start to move. I laid my hand on my abdomen, and caressed it softly. 

Mabel said, “I’m going to go now, Marlena. Let John know I’ll call him later regarding my pay.”

“I will, Mabel… and thank you so much for your help over the last couple of weeks. It was so appreciated,” I said.

Roman’s eyes narrowed when she smiled at me, saying, “Anything for John. He asked for a favor, and then knowing it was you and the children, of course I said yes.”

It was when the door closed behind her, that Roman said, “What the hell is going on here?”

“Mabel has been helping out around the house for a couple of weeks,” I said. I closed my medical journal, but didn’t move from where I sat. Partial bedrest meant I shouldn’t be walking around. I’d had cramps the morning after the electrical storm, so I was trying to be extra careful. 

“I thought we agreed that we really don’t have the money for extra help right now,” he said loudly.

I sighed. “You said that, Roman. I just didn’t want to argue with you, but with you gone, and me on bedrest, it was hard for Sami and Eric to be responsible for everything.”

“Eric?” he asked. “Eric’s home?”

“Yes. He came home about two weeks ago.” How did one short interaction with Roman suddenly exhaust me? A few minutes earlier I’d been so content. “John felt like having some additional help around the house would be good. He hired Mabel because… well, we know her.”

“So, John’s been playing husband again in my absence? You don’t see a problem with that, Doc?” He asked me loudly. He took his jacket off, and opened the closet to reach for a hanger. Shoving it inside, he turned to face me, but I had no answer for him.

I closed my eyes. There was nothing to say. I had to acknowledge that I’d gone from happy and content, to stressed and anxious in mere moments. As I looked at Roman, I knew a decision had to be made. These babies were going to be born, and I had to make a choice before that happened. I had to make a choice without knowing who the father was. I couldn’t allow who their father was to hold any sway over me. I had to follow my heart.

Eric

When I reached the front door, I heard my dad yelling. I suddenly felt sick again. The way I used to feel before I decided to stay in Colorado. I’d come back to Salem for Sami, and my mom. I came back to try and fix the mistake that had been made. I wasn’t sure I was ready for what I was about to walk into. 

“So I’m gone, and John just waltzes back in like he owns the place, huh?” His voice was loud, grating, condescending. My hands clenched as I gripped the doorknob.

“That’s not what happened, Roman.” My mom sounded so broken, and I couldn’t take it. I pushed the door open as she said, “You weren’t here. I begged you not to go, and you weren’t here.”

Roman sneered, “That’s it, isn’t it, Doc? You decide to punish me by bringing John back in to play daddy?”

But it was my mom I was worried about. Her voice had gone quiet, and her fists were clenched in her lap. She whispered, “Roman, I can’t argue with you.”

“Leave her the fuck alone!” I yelled, slamming the front door. “Why are you always bitching? You’re never happy! You work all the time, you leave us alone for weeks, and then you come back, and start a fight right away because you’re jealous that John helped us while you were gone? That’s bullshit! He did what you should have been doing! He took care of his family!”

Roman’s eyes locked on me. His voice went low. “This is not his family.”

“It’s not yours either!” I screamed. “You’re the reason I left! Carrie left because of you! When you’re not here, we laugh. We have fun… and then you come in, and all you do is make mom cry, and make excuses for everything. It’s not our fault that some psychopath kidnapped you, and kept you in jail. It’s not our fault that he tricked us! But John loves us! And at least when he was my dad, he knew mom needed extra help around the house, and he was home for dinner, and he spent time with us. You came in and tore our lives apart, and I don’t want you here! I don’t!”

Sami

“Dad?” I whispered into my phone. I wiped tears from my eyes. “Daddy, um, well, Roman came home.”

“Roman’s home?” he asked.

My voice cracked. “Yeah, and uh… well, he wasn’t happy about Mabel being here. He started arguing with mom and–”

“ –do you need me to come over?” I could hear the sadness in his voice. Roman was home. It was too soon. I’d been praying every night that he would stay gone until the babies were born. I just needed a little more time. Now he’d barrelled back into our lives like a bull in a China shop.

I heard Eric screaming downstairs, and I choked on a sob. “I just want my family back.

“I do too, Peanut. I do too,” he whispered. He sighed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bought a ticket for a runaway train

Like a madman laughing at the rain

A little out of touch, little insane

It’s just easier than dealing with the pain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

After one night sleeping next to Roman, I’d spontaneously decided to go out to Smith Island. I needed time to think. The last few years spun in my mind, and I found myself wondering how we’d managed to get where we were. Isabella was gone. I’d had an affair with John. Roman was angry at the world, and the children were suffering. I couldn’t bring the babies into an environment that was so unhappy, and we were all unhappy, weren’t we? For a brief three weeks, I got a glimpse of what my life could be, and I wanted that back.

I called the police station to tell Roman of my plans, but as usual, I had to leave a message. “Yes, can you please tell him that his wife is at the Horton cabin on Smith Island.”

“Anything else, Mrs. Brady?” the officer on the end of the line asked. Mrs. Brady. There had been a point in my life when I’d been so happy to be Mrs. Brady. It just rang hollow now. Mrs. Brady wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore.

Sami

I’d been looking for mom and decided as a last ditch effort to check the Salem Police Department. She sometimes went there to see dad #2, because he so rarely answered her messages or came to the phone when she called. Eric was waiting outside for me, because he was still furious with Roman. I’d already talked him out of leaving Salem. But mom was the one I was worried about.

Roman’s office was empty. His coat was hanging on the coat rack, so he was somewhere in the building. Taylor McCall came into the room to drop a file on my dad’s desk, and I asked, “Have you seen my mom?”

“Your mom? Not your dad?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Have you seen her?”

“No, but I think she left a message earlier.” Taylor gestured at a desk across the room where the telephone was located.

“Oh. Okay. Thanks.” I walked towards the desk, noting a large pile of pink message slips near the phone. Did that man ever read those? I heard the door shut behind me as Taylor left the room, and then I saw it. A message from my mom.

I’m going out to the Horton Cabin. The twins are staying at the pub tonight.

I checked the door again, and then slipped the message into my pocket. I couldn’t help grinning. Roman didn’t need to know about mom going to the cabin, but it might be worth mentioning to dad. I snuck out the other door, and made my way out to where Eric waited. 

“Did you find her?” he asked me.

“No.” I grinned widely. “But I found this.” 

I handed him the message, and he read and then looked at me curiously. “Sami, you took it?”

Taking it from his hand, I crumpled the paper, and tossed it into the garbage. “I think that message was intended for someone else.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

My telephone rang, and I adjusted Brady in my arms. “Hello?”

“Hi, daddy,” Sami said. I was already suspicious. She didn’t call me daddy unless she was in trouble, or she wanted something. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I replied warily.

She was entirely too chipper, when she said, “I was just calling to tell you that Eric and I are gonna be staying at the pub tonight. You know, in case you’re looking for us or something.”

“On a Wednesday? Your mom doesn’t usually allow sleepovers during the week,” I said.

“Oh, she’s gone out to the Horton cabin for the night–”

“ –where’s Roman?” I asked. Did he know she’d done that? She was supposed to be on bedrest, and the babies were due in less than a month. What was she thinking?

“He’s at work. He’s always at work, but it’s okay. Mom brought her cellular phone with her, in case of emergencies. I was just letting you know,” she said cheerfully.

Something about it felt like another scheme, but my first consideration was Marlena. “Sami, I don’t think she should be out there alone. The babies are almost due, and the ground is uneven–”

“Oh, I gotta go, dad! I’ll call you later!” The line went dead in my ear, and all I was left with were my racing emotions, and a growing sense that something was about to go very wrong.

Sami

I hung up the phone, and grinned at Eric. “It’s done. You know he’s going to go out there. I bet Brady’s with grandma before we even get to the pub.”

“I hope so,” he said. “Mom shouldn’t have gone out there on her own. It was an impulsive decision.”

“I think it’s a prophetic decision. I think she’s made a choice, and I think it’s dad. She’s going to choose before the babies come,” I said.

Eric rolled his eyes. “You don’t know that.”

“I don’t… but I feel like it’s true. This is how we get our family back.” I flipped my braid over my shoulder, and then pulled my overnight bag from my closet. “Mom’s gonna choose dad. I can feel it.”

“What if she goes into labor out there?” Eric asked with trepidation.

“Let’s hope she doesn’t, but if she does, dad will be with her. He knows what to do,” I replied, but a part of me started to worry. What if mom did go into labor?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Runaway train never coming back

Runaway train tearing up the track

Runaway train burning in my veins

I run away but it always seems the same

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Runaway Train – Soul Asylum

Chapter 5 – The Light

Chapter 5 – The Light

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I see the light, I see the light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light and it’s burning bright

I see the light, it’s the light at the end that I run to

And the light darlin’, is you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

October 1993

John

Bo looked up in surprise as I pushed open the door to the office he shared with Roman. “John. I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Of course he didn’t. It seemed that everyone I’d once been close to had put some distance between us since Roman’s return. It wasn’t intentional, and yet it had happened anyway. I know Roman’s animosity was part of it, the other part was the imposter syndrome I felt. I’d lived Roman’s life for years fully believing I was him. The last year or so had me doubting every relationship I’d made during that time. It wasn’t hard to understand why. There was a disconnect, possibly a distrust – on my side and on theirs. Had they loved me, or the idea of me as Roman? Was I safe or was I somehow nothing more than another Stefano machination that would turn on them when triggered? The only people I didn’t feel that with were Marlena and the children, but that was because they knew me better than anyone else.

“Is Roman around?” I asked. I’d driven to the police station almost as soon as Sami had hung up the telephone. I was worried for Marlena, and something inside me felt that Sami had done that intentionally. Something in my gut told me that Sami, and perhaps even Eric, were scheming to push Marlena and I together. 

Marlena had said she needed space. She’d asked for it, and I could respect that. Making love to her the night of the storm was not something we’d planned, but her asking for time was a surprise. I’d supposed that us making love was inevitable. She knew as well as I did that it would happen again. But if she needed time to come to terms with that, I could honor it. Which was why I’d decided that I should have Roman leave work, and go out to Smith Island to check on her, because if I did… who knows what might happen.

Bo was curious about why I was looking for Roman, since we weren’t exactly on friendly terms, but he didn’t ask. He stretched his arms back, saying, “Roman? He left a little while ago to take over Williams spot on a stakeout. Williams had a family emergency. Roman’s with McCall now. It could be at least twelve hours.” He grimaced as he closed the file in his hands, and dropped his feet to the floor. “But you remember how it goes.”

I did, and the ache was bittersweet. The arguments that Bo and I used to have when we worked together made me chuckle lightly. “I remember. You argued with me every step of the way…” He grinned that same shit eating grin he always did, and I said, “ Look, is there a way to get a hold of him?”

 I could tell he had questions, but he wouldn’t ask, and I wasn’t offering up any explanations. At least not yet. “Is it an emergency?” he asked me. “You could check with Abe. He tracks all of the assignments now… well, him and Schofield.”

“No. No… I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it,” I said. I would have go to Smith Island, myself. I had self control. I could spend the night out there, and not make love to her. Marlena had self control. Yet even as I told myself that, I pictured her curvy body rocking over me as she straddled me on her couch. 

I swallowed thickly, and turned towards the door just as Bo stood up. “I was about to head out. I’ll walk down with you. There’s supposed to be another storm tonight, and I’ve got to make sure the boat’s secured.” He grabbed his jacket and followed me out.

Shit. Another storm. 

“Do you remember that storm a few years ago?” I asked. “We almost drowned trying to secure that damned boat.”

“Shit,” Bo laughed. “I can’t believe I forgot about that. You saved the Fancy Face that night. Hell, you probably saved my dumb ass.” We exited the building, and just as I prepared to walk to my car, he stopped me. “You want me to track Roman down for you?”

Bo had the Fancy Face. I stopped walking. “No, but I do have a favor to ask you. Would you be able to take me out to Smith Island before the storm hits? We’ve got a little bit of a problem, which is why I was looking for Roman, but it can’t wait.”

“Smith Island? Are you staying at the Horton cabin?”

I rubbed my hands over my face. “Sami called me and told me Doc’s gone out there, and I think she’s maybe expecting Roman. I’m not sure. Now I’m realizing that he obviously has no idea, and I don’t have time to track him down.” I sighed. “She can’t be alone out there during a storm at eight months pregnant, Bo. It’s not safe.”

“What the hell did she go and do that for? Roman probably thinks she’s at home taking a bubble bath, or some shit.” Bo made a face that indicated he found the whole situation frustrating. “Yeah, I can take you out, but you might be stuck for a day or two, depending on the weather.”

“That’s fine,” I told him. “Can I meet you at the pier? I’ll grab some clothes from the loft. Give me twenty.”

He glanced out towards the harbor. “Okay. Yeah, but make it fast.”

Eric

“Sami-Gene, are you sure about this?” I asked, watching as she took mom’s second message to Roman, and slid it into the crack behind the console table. This plan seemed doomed from the start, and it wasn’t as if dad wasn’t going to figure it out. Of course he would. He was the best detective the Salem PD had ever had. “I’m not sure we should be doing this.”

“Look, I’ve already called dad at the loft. He’s on his way to Smith Island already, I can almost guarantee it,” she said with a smile. She tossed her braid over her shoulder and adjusted her hat as she walked past me. “Don’t worry. You didn’t hear him on the telephone. He was genuinely concerned.”

“I know, but I heard on the radio that a storm is coming tonight.” I sighed, feeling more and more nervous about my sister’s plan to reunite our wayward parents. “I’m just not sure this is the way to do it… or the night.”

“It’s too late. Mom’s already at Smith Island, and seriously, you’ve got to learn to trust me, Eric. A storm is even better!” Her eyes lit up. “Lightning. Thunder. How romantic is that? Maybe they’ll both get stuck out there for a few days, and she’ll finally admit what we’ve known all along. We want our family back.”

I wanted our family back together as much as she did, but I wasn’t sure that lying and scheming was the way to do it. “Maybe we should at least tell Uncle Bo. You know, because he has a boat.”

She stared at me for a moment as if I were the weak link in her plan for world domination. She sighed heavily. “Fine. Call Uncle Bo at the station, and tell him that mom’s on Smith Island… if that’s the only thing that’s gonna make you feel better.”

Sami stomped out of the room, while I lifted the telephone receiver, but it didn’t matter. The telephone rang and rang. No one picked up. I called the boat, but still no answer. Crap. Hopefully Sami was right, and John would get there, and make everything okay. I wanted my mom and dad back together, and a part of me felt bad for Roman… but Roman had other priorities and we weren’t part of them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In the lonely heart of darkness

I have stumbled and I have strayed

Always searchin’ but never finding

A ray of sunlight to guide my way.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

After I got the fire started in the hearth, I felt my first cramp. Just as my mind tried to dismiss it, my gut said to be wary. I took a deep breath, and held onto the back of the couch arching my back to relieve some of the tension. It was nothing. Braxton Hicks contractions. I’d been having them off and on for weeks. Roman would have gotten my message about going out to Smith Island, and I would see him walking through the door to the cabin in mere moments. But that didn’t happen. The sun was going down, and ten minutes later another contraction had me settling into the couch with a groan. 

Truthfully, I’d only left a message for Roman to be responsible, and not simply disappear for a few days. I was pregnant, and I didn’t want him to worry unduly, but truth be told, my being out there would just be a frustration for him. Another thing I’d done that made his life more difficult than he liked. I rubbed my hand over my abdomen, cooing softly, “You two are practicing hard aren’t you? You know I’m going to be very excited to meet you… not tonight of course. Let’s hold off until I’m near a hospital, what do you say?”

Staring into the flames of the fireplace, I thought about Roman. I’d gone to the cabin to think. Was my marriage to him worth fighting for? But I think I already knew deep down that it was over. I closed my eyes, and felt the heat from the flames on my cheeks as I remembered John making love to me on my couch a week earlier. I opened my eyes quickly as another cramp rocked me. Ouch. Damn.

I didn’t want Roman to meet me at the cabin. I certainly didn’t want him to walk though that door. I didn’t want to save a marriage that left me feeling miserable and empty. And as much as Roman said he loved me, he was feeling the same way. It was why we argued all the time, why he worked long hours, and volunteered for ISA assignments that took him away for weeks. I was a possession. The children were possessions. He certainly loved to shower us with affection and flaunt us if John were around, but otherwise we were a subplot in his life. 

I loved John. I wanted those deep indigo eyes staring down at me in the mornings. I wanted black hair against my skin, and rough hands on my body. I wanted to hear John say Doc in the softest voice imaginable as he kissed his way across my breasts, and I wanted to see the smiles on Eric and Sami’s faces. The same smiles I’d seen during those three weeks Roman was gone. I already had my answer. I’d had it for months, I’d just refused to see it.

I caressed the babies where they rested in my womb, and tried to relax. Stress was not going to help the situation. Glancing towards the table, I considered the cellular phone I’d brought for emergencies, but a few Braxton Hicks contractions did not constitute an emergency. Still… I stood up and walked towards my fully packed weekender bag. Taking out the phone I turned it on and watched the battery light flash red. Well that wasn’t good. I thought I’d charged it? 

I sighed as I sat back down on the couch. The fire was so warm, and for the first time in nearly a week I was feeling relaxed. No telephone. Not a good start to my weekend away. There was nothing I could do about it. Roman would come or he wouldn’t, and as my eyes closed he wasn’t the man I was thinking of…

John

I tossed my duffle bag over the side of the boat, and then stepped in. “I appreciate you doing this for me.”

“Don’t worry about it, man. I agree with you. Marlena shouldn’t be out there alone. Anything could go wrong with this storm. It’s better to have someone with her, and I don’t think we’ll have time to bring her back,” he replied. He unwrapped the rope tied to the pier. The boat was already running, so he said, “Grab a life jacket, man, and hold on. We’ve gotta make this fast.”

I hadn’t been to the Horton cabin since that last time with Marlena years earlier, before we all believed she’d died. It was too hard. The children had asked me so many times in those five years, and I’d always found a reason to refuse. Now I was going back… for Marlena. Just thinking about that weekend we’d spent there nearly broke my heart. We’d laid in bed together discussing our family. That was when we’d agreed that we were going to try for another child. A sibling for Eric, Sami, and Carrie. It was one of those bittersweet memories that brought such joy in the moment, but years later it was wrapped in pain… and loss. That baby never came. It might never come.

I wasn’t sure why Marlena would choose to go there. Did she want Roman to follow her? Had she even told him where she was going? I’d called her cellular phone several times, but gotten no answer. Sami said her mother had it with her, so why wasn’t she answering?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I see the light, I see the light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light and it’s burning bright

I see the light, it’s the light at the end that I run to

And the light darlin’, is you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

Eric knew the parts of the plan that I allowed him to know. He didn’t know all of it. He didn’t know that I’d unplugged mom’s cellular phone when it was charging. I was second guessing that particular choice as I watched the sky darken from the front window of the pub. A storm was coming, and I may have taken away my mom’s only way to call for help.

“Sami?” my grandma called from the bar. “Can you grab a rag and wipe down the tables. We’re going to close early tonight.”

“Sure, grandma,” I said. As I turned I saw Eric watching me from the doorway to the kitchen. I fixed my face quickly and smiled, but he’d already seen. I was worried.

John

Bo pulled the boat up to the pier, and I helped him tie it off. We both looked toward the horizon, dark and purple grey, as he said, “It’s coming in fast, John.”

I tossed my duffle bag onto the pier. “I know. Look, you take the boat back. Marlena and I will be fine for the night. We’ll hunker down and ride it out. Let Roman know we’re out here, and as soon as you can, come back for us. There’s no way I could get to the cabin and back with Doc before this storm hits.”

“You sure?” he asked warily, glancing at the horizon again. “I could tie up the Fancy Face, and come with you.”

“We’ll be fine,” I reassured him. Then I laughed softly, “As long as she doesn’t go into labor.”

“Don’t even say shit like that,” Bo told me. “Have you ever delivered a baby?”

“No, but I was a police officer. I know the basics, and I was there when Brady was born.” I didn’t add that I had medical knowledge beyond anything that would be considered normal. I guess that was another gift from Stefano DiMera. 

He hesitated, but then he said, “Ok. Yeah. I’ll let Roman know, and then head back in the morning to pick you both up.”

Slinging my duffle bag strap over my shoulder, I gave him a mock salute followed by a quick nod, and turned to make my way towards the Horton cabin. Smith Island was a large island in the middle of Salem Lake. It had a total of four cabins on it, ironically enough all owned by doctors who worked at University Hospital. The Horton Cabin had been in their family for years. Alice and Tom regularly lent it out to family and friends. Why Marlena had decided to venture out here so close to her due date was something I couldn’t figure out, but if I was a guessing man, I say she needed some space to think.

The first drops of rain splashed against the exposed skin at the nape of my neck as I crested the top of the hill where the cabin was located. A gust of wind came up off the lake as I rounded the bend, and saw the glowing lights of the fireplace through the window. And when I glanced inside as I came onto the porch, I saw Marlena asleep on the couch. So fucking gorgeous my heart ached, and all I could think about was waking her with the softest of kisses.

I shook my head. I couldn’t think like that. I wouldn’t kiss her again until she’d made her decision. I’d promised her that. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel her heated sweat slicked breasts against my chest. I could still feel her rounded hips under my palms, and her trembling sex around my cock as we came down from the heavens together. Reality had come crashing down with us. I could hear the pain in her voice as she whispered into the curve of my shoulder, “We can’t do this again. I–I need some time to…”

“I understand,” I’d whispered softly, wrapping my arms around her. I kissed her shoulder gently, saying, “I’ll give you time.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have traveled down this highway of hope

Abandoned and broken dreams

An unbeliever my faith was shaken

By all the sorrow I had seen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

I forgot where I was for a moment as I looked around the bedroom. The pub. I was in Aunt Kayla’s old bedroom. Eric was across the hall in Uncle Bo’s old room. Light from the hallway streamed in, and I saw my grandparents near the doorway as Roman leaned over me. I rubbed my eyes, “What?”

“Your mother,” he asked frantically. “I can’t find her. I’ve looked everywhere.”

“She left you a note,” I mumbled. The one at the police station I’d filched, but the one at the house I’d conveniently dropped behind the console table situated at the back of the couch. But I wasn’t lying. It was there… if he looked for it. I saw Eric emerge from his room as I said, “She went to the Horton cabin.”

“The Horton cabin?” he rubbed his hands over his face. “Why the hell would she do that? The babies are due in two weeks.”

“Ma? Pop?” Uncle Bo called from down the hall. I heard his loud boots on the wooden stairs. “Oh, good, you’re awake. When I saw the pub closed, I was going to – whoa. What’s going on up here?”

“Bo!” grandma gasped. I could tell from where I sat that he was dripping water onto the floor. “You’re soaked! Were you out in that storm?”

“Yeah. That’s why I’m here. John was at the station earlier looking for Roman. Apparently Marlena went out to Smith Island alone. Roman was on a stakeout, so I took John out to the island, and then came back here to let everyone know,” Bo told them.

“Why the hell did John go out there?” Roman yelled. The last thing he wanted was Marlena alone all night in a cabin with one bed and John Black. 

“He was trying to find you so you could go check on her, but you took over that stakeout for Williams! Shit, Roman! I couldn’t find you, and it would have taken too long to have Abe track you down. Don’t worry big brother. John’s with her. She’s safe.” Bo pushed his wet hair out of his face. “I had to bring the boat back though. I told him I’ll try and head back out there in the morning.”

“The morning?” grandpa asked him. “Yeah, I don’t be thinkin’ that’ll work, Bo. This storm’s expected ta be ragin’ all through tomorrow. I be thinkin’ that John and Marlena are stranded at least until Sunday.”

Sunday? My eyes met Eric’s, and he looked away guiltily as Roman said loudly, “Dammit! What if she goes into labor? Why would she go out there? Sometimes that woman makes no sense.”

I shrugged, saying, “But at least dads– John’s with her. If something happens he can deliver the babies.” But even as the words left my mouth a ripple of apprehension went through me. Delivering one baby was complicated enough. Delivering twins vaginally would be tricky. So many things could go wrong. I could only hope that I hadn’t made a grave mistake when I’d taken that message from the station, or hid the one at home, or unplugged moms phone, or…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But I see the light, I see the light at the end of the tunnel

I see the light and it’s burning bright

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

When I woke up it was to the warmth of John’s hand on my cheek, and the crackling of the fire nearby. I smiled up at him, still in a warm, cozy, haze of sleep as I took in his beautiful face. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he said quietly. He stroked my face, and then allowed his hand to slide along my neck. “Are you gonna tell me what possessed you to come all the way out here tonight?”

I looked around, and then started to sit up just as a sharp contraction hit. “Oh!” I must have been having them while I was asleep, but I couldn’t be sure. My hand settled on my abdomen, and I closed my eyes waiting for the pain to subside. It was sharper than they had been.

“Doc?” he asked me with concern.

I waved my hand, saying, “It’s nothing. Braxton Hicks contractions.”

“You’re sure?” He continued to watch me with eyes that noticed everything. He didn’t believe me. 

“I’ve been through this before,” I laughed. “I’m sure.” But I wasn’t sure. Not exactly. I’d carried these twins longer than any pregnancy I’d had before, and twin births typically came early.

His hands slid along my thighs as he crouched in front of me. “Why are you out here, baby?”

Baby. Doc. Lady. Even when he said Marlena, it resonated with love. I blinked at him for a moment. “I–I needed some time to think, and I can’t do it with Roman around,” I told him. “I needed time to think about what I wanted.”

“Did you come to any conclusions?” he asked me softly.

“You,” I whispered. Another contraction tightened my abdomen, and I closed her eyes as it passed. When I opened them John was watching me with concern, but all I said was, “It’s always been you.”

“Doc?” He tipped my chin up, forcing me to look at him. “Doc, are you in labor?”

“I’m not sure… possibly.” I reached for him, trailing my fingers along his jaw as a crack of thunder shook the cabin. The rain came harder, and I glanced outside. The dark night lit up with a lightning flash. 

“That’s why I’m here. Sami called me at the loft, and told me you were out here. Did you not check the weather? I went to the police station to have Roman come check on you, but he was on a stakeout.” He sighed softly, adding, “Bo told me about the storm, and he brought me out. I didn’t want you to be alone. Doc, it’s dangerous.”

My breath caught in my chest, and a small gasp escaped me as I said, “I didn’t think–” I tried to adjust my position on the couch feeling so uncomfortable all of the sudden. My abdomen tightened, all of the muscles contracting to make my rounded belly so hard I could barely move, and then I felt it. A pop, followed by the slow trickle of fluid. I stared up at John with wide eyes. “John… my water just broke.”

John

“Where’s your cellular phone? We’ve got to call for help.” I stood up, looking around for her bag. My voice rose in panic. “Doc?”

“The battery died,” she said softly. “I didn’t realize it wasn’t fully charged. Just as I tried to call the station, and leave another message for Roman… it cut out on me. I–I need to get to a hospital.”

I started to shrug out of my coat. “Fat chance of that. They’ve stopped the ferries. I told you, Bo dropped me off.” I took a deep breath as my heart raced, and then I wiped my hand over my mouth. We’d have to figure this out. Marlena stared at me with frightened eyes, and I knew I had to hold myself together. The babies were coming, and help wasn’t. We’d have to do this on our own. I tried to keep it light as I tossed a couple logs on the fire. “So, you’re gonna make me play midwife. Is that what’s going on, Doc?”

“I’m afraid so,” she whispered. I watched as she tried to shift on the couch. “Do you have a watch? I–I think we need to start timing them. They’ve been coming pretty regularly, I think.”

“You think?” I asked her with a smirk. I couldn’t allow my fear and my stress at our situation to take over. I took the watch off my arm. The same one she’d given me as a Christmas gift. I handed it to her and watched her eyes soften when she realized.

She smiled slightly. “Well, I think they have been… I was asleep. So I can’t be sure.”

“Brady didn’t wait for Isabella to make it to the hospital, and I helped deliver him,” I said. “He turned out just fine, of course I had Carly and Marcus there to help me a little bit.”

“But you didn’t need their help, did you?” she joked. Then she went silent for a moment as another contraction seemed to come. Softly she said, “I’m worried, John. Baby B… she hasn’t flipped yet, and their cords could become tangled during the birth.” That’s when I saw the tears in her eyes. She was scared and trying so hard to be brave.

I stroked her cheek gently. “We’ll figure this out, lady, but first we’ve got to get you situated on the couch, and then I’ve got to gather some supplies.” I stepped back, and reached for her hands, helping her into a standing position. I realized I’d be buying the Horton’s a new couch after this night. The cushion she’d been sitting on was wet. “Can you get those pants off while I gather some towels?”

She nodded her head. “Yes.” Just as I started to walk away, she reached for my arm. I glanced down into the most beautiful hazel eyes as she told me, “I’m glad it’s you… here with me tonight.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I see the light, it’s the light at the end that I run to…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

“These babies are going to be just fine,” he reassured me. “Don’t you worry about it.” But I was worried. The pregnancy was complicated on its own. Giving birth to twins vaginally was difficult enough, especially if one or both didn’t turn into the proper position. But our twins, as I was almost certain John was their father, they shared an amniotic sac, and a placenta. If the placenta became detached too soon, if their cords became entangled, if one of them were breech… he was making promises to keep me calm, but as a doctor, I knew too well the multitude of ways the birth could go wrong.

I took a deep breath, thinking aloud. “We need a sterile surface.”

“We’re going to have to use clean towels,” he said.

“We need scissors,” I replied, feeling my voice start to rise in panic. I fumbled with the elastic at my waist. My hands shook as I pushed the fabric down. I was about to disrobe in front of John, and suddenly felt nervous. I had no idea why.

His hand settled on my arm. “I will handle everything. You just conserve your strength.” John went to stand up, but I cried out, digging my fingernails into his arm. I started to gasp as he whispered, “Go with it. Go with it.”

“Help!” I cried, curling in on myself as another contraction wracked my body. His arms wrapped around me, and he supported my weight as I rocked with the deep ache in my spine.

John’s voice stayed calm and steady. His scent surrounded me. I could get through it. I could. His hands caressed my back, and his soft voice told me, “You’re doing fine. I’m right here. Just breathe through it, baby. Breathe through it. Stay on top of it.”

“John!” I cried as the pain seemed to crest. “John!”

“You’re doing fine. That’s my girl.” And all I could think was, was I? Was I his girl? Because I wanted to be. Forever.

John

 Her contractions were getting closer and closer together. I glanced at my watch as I sat a bowl of cold well water on the table. Everything we had was rudimentary. No electricity. No running water. No sterile anything. The best I could do was heat the scissors, and wash my hands repeatedly. I’d found a few things in the closet. Water proof pads that were used in a hospital. A box of gloves. A pile of towels in a myriad of designs. 

Marlena was tired. We’d been at this for over two hours. I rinsed a washrag in the bowl of water, saying in a positive tone, “I’ve got some nice and cool well water to cool you down, Doc.” I sat beside her, and started to wash her face as gently as I could. Her small hand held my wrist as she moaned softly. I smiled at her. “How’s that?”

“It’s so nice,” she whispered as her eyes closed in relief.

“Yeah,” I said quietly. We were in our own space, our own world. The storm raged outside, but all I saw was her. “You’re doing just fine.”

I wrung out the rag, and started to wash the sweat from her brow. She said, “It’s ironic isn’t it?”

“What’s ironic, Doc?” I pushed the cool rag along the length of her neck watching as she allowed her head to tip back with a sigh of relief.

Her eyes opened, and she looked at me. “That you’re here, and he’s not.” 

“Why’s that?” I already knew the answer, but I asked her anyway, if only for a distraction.

“Because you’re probably the babies father,” she whispered.

My heart slammed in my chest. It was the first time she’d admitted it aloud. The chances of the twins being Roman’s was small. I knew that. Marlena wasn’t the type to go back and forth between our beds. “I want to be their father, Doc. More than anything, I want to be their father.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “He’s so happy about these babies… but I think… I think it’s going to break his heart when he realizes they aren’t his.”

“We don’t know that for sure,” I whispered, hoping to keep her calm.

“I feel it.” A tear slid down her face. “I’ve dreamt about it. Two little girls with indigo eyes, and jet black hair. So much like you… so different from Roman.”

“Stefano tried to destroy us, Doc. He tried to destroy our connection, but he couldn’t.” I leaned forward, kissing her forehead tenderly. “He never meant for us to fall in love, but I won’t regret it, and I won’t feel guilty for it.”

Marlena

“Oooooh!” I cried. I couldn’t think clearly. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I was going to have the babies, and I was going to have them soon. I could feel the pressure at the base of my spine. 

John’s hand held my neck, and his tender touch against my arm helped me try to focus. “Keep breathing. That’s it.”

I tried. I panted. I forced myself to remember the breathing from my lamaze class. The class I’d attended mostly alone, and I forced myself to focus on the sound of John’s voice. Soft whimpers escaped me. 

“Take in the oxygen for the babies,” he told me. “That’s it. That’s my girl.”

And at that moment, I believed it. I was his girl. “Oh, John! Hold me! Hold me!” I screamed, feeling the pain crest before it slowly started to recede.

“I’m right here! I’m right here! I’m right here with you!” he repeated. I believed him. I soaked in his words, and I focused on his hands against my skin. He murmured, “It’s okay. That’s it. That’s it.”

My head fell back against the sofa as the contraction ended, and I was left with a deep ache. I whimpered again, and tears slid from my eyes. He wiped at them as he cooed, “That’s it, baby. It’s over. 

I started to relax, and then I screamed. “Oh! Oh! Oh! No! It’s not!” Another came almost immediately. I started gasping for air. I held onto John like a lifeline. I couldn’t let him go. The pain lanced through my abdomen.

He said forcefully in my ear, “Easy! Easy! Keep breathing!” 

“Help me! Help me! Help me!” I gasped, barely able to get air into my lungs. “I’ve been here before. I know what it means! The babies are coming! The babies… coming!”

John

I could hear the exhaustion in her voice when she said, “I want to push. That means the babies are coming.”

“No. Not yet. Not yet.” I washed the sweat from her face, holding her tired body up as I did so. She would collapse on herself if I let her go. “I promise you. I am going to deliver these babies safely into this world. That’s why I’m here. To take care of you, and the babies. Do you understand?”

She started sobbing, “I’m so glad you’re here.” 

I cupped her face. She trembled as she stared into my eyes. Softly I said, “Now I’m going to disappear for a minute to wash up, and I’ll be right back. Okay?” I leaned forward, kissing her lips, and then I rested my forehead on hers briefly as I repeated, “Okay?”

“Okay. Okay,” she whispered. I kissed her again, lingering a moment, and then I went to wash my hands as fast as I could. If she was feeling pressure and wanted to push, it was go time. 

Marlena

I sat up straighter feeling another contraction coming. I looked around frantically. “John! Where are you? I need you!”

“I’m right here,” he said from behind me. “I’m right here, and let me tell you something, everything is under control. You are doing just fine… I’m just doing a little last minute preparation.” He leaned over me, removing the blanket that covered my nude lower half. It wasn’t the time for modesty, and working in the candlelight was already difficult. He laid everything out beside me, and then smiled. “I found gloves in the closet. I guess it’s good that a doctor owns this place.”

I breathed through another contraction, and John placed his palms on my thighs. My body relaxed. When I opened my eyes to look at him, he said, “I just want you to focus on your breathing. That’s all you have to worry about.”

“I am,” I gasped. “I am.” He helped me lean back, and then tugged my hips so that my bottom was at the edge of the cushion. My legs fell wide, and I could feel the pressure from the baby’s head. 

He kept speaking conversationally. Half of which I didn’t even catch as he worked to distract me. “Keep in mind. I was a cop. And everyone knows that policemen know how to deliver babies.” 

I wasn’t sure if he was reassuring me or himself at that point. It didn’t really matter. I was about to give birth to two beautiful baby girls, and I knew he would do whatever he could to get us through that safely. 

I rolled my head to the side to look at him as he mopped my brow again. “I don’t remember it being this hard to get Sami and Eric born.” My abdomen started to grow tight again. “Oh! I’m sorry! I–oh! I just wanna–”

He cupped my chin. “Oh, my G-d! What are you sorry about?”

“I–I didn’t want to fall apart on you!” I gasped.

“You’re allowed.” He kissed my forehead. “For cryin’ out loud you’re having babies. You’re allowed to be anything you wanna be right now.”

I struggled to pant through the contraction, and as I stared into his eyes all I felt was love. There was no going back to Roman after this. Even if they were his babies. How could I, when I loved the man beside me so very much?

“I’m going to safely bring these babies into the world, and they’re going to be kicking, and screaming, and laughing, and doing all great baby-type things. I promise you that!”

I wanted to scream out my agony as I panted, “It’s starting. It’s starting!”

“It’s okay! Now breathe!” he told me forcefully. “Come on! Look at me! Focus on my eyes.”

I reached for him in a panic. My hands grasped the cotton of his shirt, and I took sharp, shallow breaths trying to keep myself from screaming into the storm that raged outside the cabin. 

“Breathe in. Breathe out. That’s right,” he said. “Nice and slow! Breathe for our babies. Hang in there. You’re doing great! Come on, breathe! That’s it. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.”

I swear my soul merged with his. He became a part of me, or perhaps I became a part of him. Our eyes locked, and I was lost. I couldn’t be sure, but as the pain receded I knew I was never letting him go.

John

She fell against me in exhaustion. Her shirt was soaked with sweat. Her hair curled around her face in damp tendrils. The fatigue and exhaustion lined her features. I held her against me saying, “You’re about a minute and a half between contractions, Doc. So, I need you to relax. Take deep breaths. Get as much oxygen as you can. Gain your strength back for the next contraction because we’re going to start pushing.” 

The last few contractions the baby’s head had crowned but then receded when the contraction ended, but the last contraction was over, and I could still see the baby’s head. It was time to push. 

“All right. All right. All right,” she whispered, barely audible. “I just wish–”

“ –what do you wish?” I asked as I smiled at her, brushing her hair back from her forehead. “What do you wish for, baby?”

“I–I wish we’d done this the right way,” she cried softly, lacing her fingers through mine. “I–I wish I’d told Roman the truth about us, and made a life with you. I wish–”

“ –hey. Hey. None of that.” I wiped the tears from her face gently. “What’s important right now is the babies. So let’s concentrate on that.” She started to pant again, and I dropped her hand, moving to kneel on the floor between her legs. “Don’t talk. Breathe. We’re going to do this together.”

“I wanna push! I wanna push!” she cried.

I saw our daughter’s head as the contraction started, and I said to Marlena, “It’s time to go to work, Doc. Okay? Here we go!”

“Wait. Wait… wait,” she said. “It’s slowing down.” She fell back with a sigh.

“On the next contraction you’re going to push with all your strength, because it’s gonna happen. It’s gonna happen.” I smiled up at her, and felt like she’d never been more beautiful in that moment. She was the strongest woman I’d ever known. “Did you hear me, baby? It’s about to happen.”

“Oh. Oh… oh,” she whispered in a panic. “It’s starting.”

I stared into her frantic eyes, and I said, “This is it, Doc! Go for it! Push now. Now. All your strength, come on!”

Marlena

It was as if I were watching from outside my body. John leaned towards me, his hands held out to catch our daughter as I roared out my effort to push her forth into the world. 

“I’ve got her head. One last push. One last strong push for the shoulders. You can do it! You can do it!” And then I felt nothing but relief as she slipped into her father’s hands. I knew she was his as soon as I saw her with a head full of black hair. It was just like my dreams. John’s daughter. Our daughter.

I fell back against the couch, listening to her first cries as he cleared the fluid from her lungs, and cut the umbilical cord. 

I opened my eyes as John spoke with awe, “It’s unbelievable.”

“Thank you,” I cried in joy. “Thank you.” Her screams filled the room rivaling the thunder that roared outside.

He looked up at me with tears in his eyes as he wrapped her in a beach towel, whispering, “You did it.”

“Oh no,” I told him. “Oh, no, no. We did it. We did it. John? Can I hold her? Please?”

“Just for a moment,” he said softly, wiping at his own tears. “You’ve got to do this one more time.”

“I know. I just want to look at her.” He passed her into my arms, and I stared at her for a moment. Finally I said, “I knew it. Say hello to your daughter, John.”

John

My daughter. Our daughter. I knew it as soon as her eyes locked on mine. I was rocked by a love so deep, so profound, that I almost dropped her. I held my hands out to Marlena, noting that she was tensing up again, and I placed our daughter in a basket beside me. Reaching for Marlena’s hand, I whispered, “Are you ready?”

As if she’d found renewed energy, she smiled at me. “I’m ready. I’m– oh, oh… it’s coming.”

“Doc. Baby. I need… I need to check if the baby’s head is down, okay? Don’t push,” I told her. I scooted forward, holding one hand on her abdomen while sliding two fingers inside to see if I could feel the baby’s head. I sighed with relief. At some point the baby had turned. I’d been praying to G-d for the last four hours that nothing would go wrong. With a wide grin, I told her, “She’s head down.”

Marlena started sobbing. “Oh G-d! I was so afraid, John! I was so scared.”

“I told you. Didn’t I tell you? I’m going to deliver our daughters safely, and the rest… we’ll figure out the rest.” She started panting, and I said, “On the next contraction, you’re gonna push, baby!”

Less than three minutes later our second daughter was born. Identical blue eyes and jet black hair, but silent. So quiet. So serene. She stared around the room with wide eyes, and then she looked at me. My heart stopped, and then slammed in my chest. I felt as if she saw all the way to the deepest parts of my soul.

“Why isn’t she crying?” Marlena asked, struggling to sit up.

“She’s fine, Doc,” I whispered. “She’s fine. She’s just… studying the world.” I wiped her clean, and cut the umbilical cord before wrapping her in another clean towel, and passing her to Marlena. Reaching for our other daughter, I gingerly lifted her from the basket and settled onto the couch beside Marlena. 

“I love you,” she whispered.

I wasn’t sure if she was speaking to me, or our daughters. Possibly all of us. As I rested beside her, Marlena leaned against me, a baby cradled in her arms. “I love you, Doc. You have given me the greatest gift.”

“I’m so tired,” she said.

Settling the baby in my arms back inside the basket. I took the second one from her, as I told her, “You’re almost done, and then you can rest. I promise.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And the light darlin’, is you

And the light darlin’, is you…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Light – Emmylou Harris

Chapter 6 – Numi Numi

Chapter 6 – Numi Numi (Sleep, Sleep)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Numi, numi yaldati,

Numi, numi, nim.

Numi, numi k’tanati,

Numi, numi, nim.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

October 1993

Marlena

I couldn’t stop staring at them. My beautiful babies. They were gorgeous with those deep blue eyes, and soft wisps of black hair. My gut clenched, because as happy as I was at that moment, I knew that when the storm settled, and Bo returned with the boat, everyone would know. How could they not? Roman would know. I traced my finger softly along my daughter’s cheek where she slept in the basket, and then I glanced down at our quiet one. The one who barely made a sound but seemed to see the whole world around her with eyes that were far too mature. She nuzzled at my breast, making soft grunting noises, and I couldn’t help but smile.

John had fallen asleep beside me earlier, but when I heard one of the babies start to rouse, I was instantly awake. I’d never breastfed Sami and Eric. It had been straight to the bottle. Maybe it had been the times. I couldn’t say for certain. Maybe it was because everything about my life with Roman was so unsettled. I didn’t remember actively making the choice, but I wasn’t going to miss that bonding opportunity this time. I could only hope I produced enough milk to feed them both.

“You know,” John whispered groggily. “We can’t call them the babies for the rest of their lives… unless you were thinking Baby A and Baby B would work in the long term.”

I rolled my eyes at him, and said quietly, “I was scared to think about names. Not knowing definitively who their father was… I just wasn’t ready to consider it, and if they were your’s… well, it felt like something I should do with you. Naming them was something I was… reluctant to do with Roman, and he hasn’t been very involved with this pregnancy anyway”

“Unless you count bragging,” John said quietly, adjusting himself to sit up beside me.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing. How’s our little quiet one doing?” He reached out to touch the soft hair at the crown of her head.

I knew what John was referring to. Roman had taken every opportunity he could during the pregnancy to mention how excited he was about the pregnancy in John’s presence. It wasn’t something I was unaware of, but it was something that I knew hurt John. Part of me knew that Roman had intended that pain. That sting of bitterness that John might feel every time he was forced to face that Roman was the one who’d walked away with me, and John was the one alone in the world. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry that I didn’t leave Roman in February when we first made love. I’m sorry that you’ve been so hurt by my indecision.”

“I understand why,” he told me. “I think about it a lot. When the twins were learning to speak, Roman was with Stefano. When they learned to ride a bike, when they graduated kindergarten… and then Carrie. Doc, I understand the guilt you feel that he missed all of their milestones. I have guilt too… for being the one to have experienced them all. If these babies had been Roman’s… I would have walked away if you’d asked me to.”

I was silent for so long as I considered my next words. “I couldn’t have let you go. That might have been my breaking point, I think. It’s why I ended up on the plane with you that night. Panic. Fear. Desperation. Nothing else would drive me into your arms, and have me breaking my marriage vows… except the fear of losing you from my life.”

The baby nuzzled against my breast, and I smiled down at her. “You are so beautiful,” I whispered. “And so perfect.” I glanced at John, and then told her, “Your daddy loves you so much.”

Sami

Eric, Bo, and my grandparents watched as Roman called the forest service. It wouldn’t matter. Bo had said everything was shut down until the storm passed, but I caught the glances Eric was throwing me. He was scared, and feeling guilty. If mom was hurt, or if she lost the babies, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

“Well, I tried to reach her on her cellular phone, but, uh, the batteries must be dead.” My dad had his back to us. Grandma and Grandpa were making tea, and I was avoiding Eric’s gaze because of the guilt it made me feel. “You know,” Roman continued, “the problem is she’s pregnant, and she’s due pretty soon now.” He was quiet for a moment, and then he said more loudly, “Nothing? You’re telling me you can’t do anything?”

Bo whispered to grandpa, “What? Did he think I was lyin’?”

“No, she’s not alone, but still!” Roman yelled into the telephone. “John Black is with her, but– I know police officers are trained for those types of emergencies, but he’s no longer a police officer, and I don’t want my wife–” He stared at the phone in his hand as we all watched him with wide eyes. “Shit!” he roared. “Damned Hendershott hung up on me! He always was a bit of a dick.”

“Roman, I told you,” Bo said. “It’s all shut down until the storm blows by. John knew that when I dropped him off. It’s why he went. He’s prepared. You’ve got to trust him. He will take care of Marlena, and if she does go into labor… he’ll take care of the babies too.”

Roman’s eyes narrowed, “I don’t want him with my wife! I’ve seen how he watches her. Do you think I’m an idiot?”

No one responded. Denying it would be a lie. I watched grandma busy herself with the tea bags, and grandpa fumbled with the tea kettle. Only Uncle Bo responded, saying, “That’s why she’ll be okay, Roman. John loves her too much for the outcome to be anything else.” Uncle Bo didn’t say that dad was in love with her. He didn’t have to.

I watched dad #2  turn on his heel, and stomp out of the room. Eric came towards me. “I don’t feel good about this.”

I didn’t either, but there was no way I was telling grandma and grandpa. I’d be grounded for the rest of my life. Roman might murder me. I glanced at Uncle Bo, and he caught my eyes and cocked his eyebrow. He knew something was up. He was just as wiley as I was when he was my age. It was time to come clean with the only person I thought might understand.

“Hey, ma?” Uncle Bo asked. “Is there any chowder left downstairs from today?”

“Yes. I meant to bring it up, but I forgot,” grandma said.

He glanced at me again, saying, “Sami, come downstairs with me. You can grab the bread.”

“Okay,” I whispered softly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Aba halach la’avoda –

Halach, halach Aba.

Yashuv im tzeit halevana –

Yavi lach matana!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In the pub kitchen, Uncle Bo turned to me, and leaned against the metal prep table. He asked, “What did you do? You and Eric have been shooting each other glances for the last hour, and I want the truth.”

I sighed. “Mom left a message for Ro –dad at the police station,” I said quietly. “Telling him she was at the cabin, and I…I–I took it so he wouldn’t see it, and then I, um… I called dad… I mean, I called John, and told him that mom was at the cabin.”

“So that’s why John showed up at the station all frantic to find Roman?” he said. “Shit, Sami. So you two schemed to get them there together?”

“Well, it was mostly me,” I said. “I don’t want Eric to get in trouble. I did everything…” Bo arched his eyebrow at me, and I added, “Eric knew, but I was the one who stole the message, and I hid the message at the house. I called John, and I… um, I also unplugged mom’s cellular phone when it was charging.”

Bo was frustrated. “If Roman finds out about this–”

“ –Uncle Bo, he’ll kill me!” I cried. “I know I shouldn’t have, but you just… you don’t know what it’s like. I’m so unhappy! We’re all so unhappy, and me and Eric… we just want our family back. The one we used to have. With mom and dad… I mean, John.”

“Roman is your dad,” Bo said.

“I’m not dumb! I know that. I know… but he’d not, you know? Not really.” I sat down on a stool, and felt the tears start to fall. “Roman’s never there. And when he is, all he does is make mom feel bad, and cry because he argues about everything. Nothing makes him happy, and he’s so angry about John. The fact that he loved mom. The fact that he raised us kids. He wants everyone to suffer because he was hurt, but it’s not our fault! It’s not even really his fault, I guess. And then he comes back, and he works all the time, and… you know sometimes people make choices because they think it’s best at the time, but you know what? It’s not always best! So maybe mom should have come back from Mexico with dad, and maybe Roman… maybe he should get some therapy and find what would make him happy in life, because it’s not us. It’s not us.”

“Hey,” he whispered, coming closer. He wiped the tears from my heated cheeks, staring at me with concern. “Hey. Come on. Stop crying.”

I looked up at him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but everything is wrong. Nothing is the way it should be and in desperation… I did some things, and now, if something bad happens, it’s all my fault. I just wanted– I wanted…” My voice trailed off because I didn’t want to tell him about the affair, or the babies. 

“What aren’t you telling me?” he asked, studying my face to determine my lies.

“I can’t tell you,” I whispered. If he knew, he would be so disappointed in me. “Because you won’t understand. You won’t, and you’ll just… you’ll be angry and mad, and I don’t want that.”

He stared at me for a moment, and then I watched as the dawning realization changed his features. “Sami, don’t tell me that your mom and John– shit.”

I started sobbing, grasping his shirt sleeve to keep him from storming away from me. “You can’t tell him, Uncle Bo! You can’t. Not yet. Please, because–”

“ –Sami! This is not something you and Eric need to be dealing with! You’re too young. You’re children,” he said. “John and Marlena had an affair?”

“Mom doesn’t know that we know,” I cried. “She has no idea, and Eric and I… well, we’ve been pushing them together. It’s our fault just as much as–”

Uncle Bo rubbed his hands over his face, and said, “I want it all. The whole story. From the beginning. Now.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Numi, numi yaldati,

Numi, numi, nim.

Numi, numi k’tanati,

Numi, numi, nim.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

Hours of labor, and she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Both babies were asleep. I’d managed to fashion diapers out of tea towels, and then swaddled them in beach towels. Marlena’s eyes drooped, but she was watching me from where she sat on the bed. Two baskets sat on a trunk beside the bed, a baby in each one. I settled next to her, handing her a glass of water. 

“They’re both so strong, and healthy,” I said softly. 

Marlena smiled, and I saw the pride and joy in her face. “They’re so beautiful,” she said, staring down at them. 

“They’ve gotta be the most perfect babies in the whole world,” I whispered. “You know, Doc, I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but I can’t help but be happy that these babies are ours. And it’s so strange… how connected to them I feel. How connected I’ve felt to you through this whole pregnancy.”

“I think that’s natural… you brought them into the world, and you are their father. It’s natural that you would feel very connected to them.” 

“It’s not just the babies.” Marlena lifted her eyes to look at me, and I ran my thumb over her soft lips. “I feel close to you, Doc. Dog gone it all… if we’d just… if things had just been different. If we’d chosen each other in Mexico, instead of making choices for other people, maybe we’d…”

She watched me, but didn’t say anything for a moment. A loud clap of thunder sounded, followed by a flash of lightning. “I think… maybe things happened the way they were supposed to. Maybe these two babies came at a time and a place that would force us to acknowledge the truth… about how we feel about each other… about our love. I thought for a while that the pregnancy might be punishment. G-d’s way of forcing our hands, but now…”

“Don’t you say that,” I said, holding her chin so that she was forced to look at me. I saw shame in her eyes, and I knew that the guilt from the affair was the thing that had been holding her back all these months. Marlena was a woman who did things by the book. She was a rule follower, and deeply empathetic. What we had done broke her code. “What we have together is very special.”

I wiped the tear from her cheek as she softly told me, “Yes, it is… but now we have to face it, and I worry… the babies will live in the shadow of this–” 

“ –not a shadow. Never a shadow,” I said. “They were created and born of love, Marlena. No matter how it happened, or how wrong it was at the time. Our love created those miracles. Those two beautiful girls are perfect.”

She whispered, “There’s also something very right about you being here to give them life.” 

Everything about the moment was perfect. The storm outside. The crackling fire. The sleeping babies… us. I cupped her cheek, and she rested her face in my palm, staring up at me. “You are so beautiful, Doc.”

Marlena reached for me then. Her delicate fingers laced through my hair, and she used gentle pressure to pull me closer as she whispered. “I love you so.”

My lips brushed hers, soft and gentle. Her breath wafted across my cheek, and I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing the taste of her to fill my senses. “I love you,” I whispered back. “I will love you for the rest of my days.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Numi, numi yaldati,

Numi, numi, nim.

Numi, numi k’tanati,

Numi, numi, nim.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

It was after noon the next day when the storm finally broke. The clouds moved out, and the October sky was left with nothing but wisps. I’d been awake off and on throughout the night. Breastfeeding twins was time consuming, and I suddenly remembered why I might have switched to bottle feeding the twins. I didn’t remember Roman being as helpful as John was, but Roman was gone before the twins were a month old. 

John changed diapers. He handed me babies. He brought me water, and fed me oatmeal with apples as I nursed. We were a team, and I felt the tears fill my eyes as baby B finished. Her eyes closed, and her mouth went slack. I was so in love with those babies. I was in love with John. 

I glanced up to see him watching me from the door of the cabin. He looked sad, and I knew why. A break in the storm meant that we would be leaving. Bo would come. Roman would likely be with him, and as soon as he laid his eyes on the twins, he would know. How could he not? No Brady child had ever been born with black hair and eyes that were so deeply blue they looked almost violet. No, it was obvious who their father was.

“Bo will be coming soon,” he said quietly, closing the door and coming towards me. “As soon as the water goes down.”

“I know,” I whispered. “I wish we could stay here for a few days. I wish…”

He stared down into my eyes, and leaned over to brush a tear from my cheek. “Me, too, baby.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Aba halach la’avoda –

Halach, halach Aba.

Yashuv im tzeit halevana –

Yavi lach matana!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

My eyes opened, and I immediately felt that something was wrong. Marlena was curled into my side, so deep in her sleep that I didn’t have the heart to wake her. I sat up glancing at the baskets on the other side of the bed feeling that something was very wrong. Standing up, I rounded the end, and went to check the babies. Baby A was sound asleep, but Baby B had a look that made me nervous. She was too still, too quiet. I traced my finger along her cheek, it was cool. I lifted her from the basket, whispering, “Hey, little one. I need you to open those eyes for me.”

I put my cheek next to her face, but didn’t feel her breath. Looking at Marlena again, I took our daughter over to the table, saying, “I need you to breathe for me.” I unwrapped the towel she was swaddled in, and I flicked the bottom of her foot roughly a few times. No response. She was limp in my hands. “Come on. You’ve gotta breathe for Daddy.”  Still nothing. I placed my mouth over her small mouth and her nose, giving her two quick breaths before I started chest palpitations. “Breathe, darling. Breathe,” I said softly. My heart was racing. My palms were sweaty. I did two more rescue breaths. I checked again, and felt nothing. Shit.

Marlena started to rouse, sitting up in bed. She glanced into the baskets, noting one of the missing babies, and then she saw me, hunched over our daughter. Her voice was shaky as she asked me, “Where’s the baby?”

I couldn’t answer, I could only continue the lifesaving maneuvers and hope, pray, that our little quiet one would wail. Scream. Roar. Anything that showed us that she hadn’t left this life behind. 

“She’s not breathing, Doc.” I said as I used two fingers to pump her small heart. “I’m trying…” She started to stumble from the bed, wearing only her plaid shirt and her panties. The room was cool, and I wanted her to stay in bed. “Don’t come over here. Stay in bed. Check the other baby.”

“Oh, G-d,” she whispered. “Oh, G-d, please…”

“Check the other baby,” I said firmly. She needed a distraction. I knew she must have been remembering when she found DJ in his bassinet all those years before. She must be petrified. “Check the baby, Doc.” Two more rescue breaths, and I whispered to my child, “Come on, little baby. Come on. Come on.”

I glanced over quickly, and saw her lift the other twin from the basket. She checked her over, and gave me a quick nod. Baby A was okay. I pumped at my daughter’s chest, and then I heard it. A soft intake of breath, and then nothing. 

“Come on,” I whispered desperately. “Come on. Breathe, little girl.”

Behind me, Marlena cried softly, “Please. Oh, please.”

And then our quiet little baby B cried for the first time ever. Our silent, big eyed, beauty announced her place in the world with a wail that grew stronger until she drowned out everything else in the room. I choked out, “Yeah! You cry, little girl! Yeah, you cry real hard. That’s it.”

I bounced her in my arms, walking back towards her mother. Tears ran down my cheeks, and when Marlena looked up at me, I released my first sob of relief.

“That’s my girl,” I cried. “Oh…”

“Oh!” Marlena wept. “Oh!” I placed our little girl in her other arm, and watched her with both of our girls cradled against her.

“How are you doing, Doc?” My breath shuddered as my body came down. “How are you?”

She shook her head, glancing between me and the children in her arms. “Thank you! Thank you so much! If you hadn’t been here… I don’t know what would have happened.”

I stroked her face, running my fingertips across Marlena’s brow, and across her cheeks. I touched her bottom lip, whispering, “You need to rest.”

“I love you… John, I love you so much,” she cried. “I won’t ever be able to show you enough how much I love you.”

Marlena

I was waking up early the next morning when I heard John putting another log on the fire. Over his shoulder he said softly, “I just checked the girls. They’re fine. Sleeping.”

“You haven’t got much sleep,” I said softly. He’d been up and down most of the night.

He stood up, and then came to kneel beside the trunk where the baskets sat. “I was afraid,” he said, watching our daughters sleep. “Yesterday… we could have lost our little baby B.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. She could be Baby B forever. I glanced over at the table, where my weekender bag sat, and I said, “In my bag is a book of baby names. We should… we should name them. Before Bo comes. Before anyone else can take this time from us.”

“You’re afraid,” he said, rubbing his hand along my foot to comfort me.

“When Roman and the family find out what we’ve done, they’re going to be so angry. I want you and I to… I want to keep these moments just for us. Without the tinge of betrayal that is going to be cast on their conception.” I was quiet for a moment, and then asked, “Does that make sense?”

“It does.” He stood up, and then walked towards the table. Rummaging through my bag, he pulled out the book. “Did you have any ideas?”

I looked at our daughters, saying softly, “I have some names underlined, but I was thinking of an A name and a B name… or is that too cliche?”

Settling onto the bed beside me, he held his arm out, waiting for me to come and lay against him. Even more than twenty-four hours later, my body ached. The towels John had torn up were my makeshift pads. He’d buried the placenta out back once the storm had stopped, and there was a trashbag full of bloodied towels and sheets by the door. I probably owed Alice Horton a cleaning crew. I closed my eyes for a moment, and then slid my palm across his chest. He felt so warm underneath my hand.

“So we’ll start with the A’s,” he said softly, flipping the first few pages of the book. He scanned over the lists in silence, noting that I’d already underlined a few. After a few seconds he said, “I like Aylin.”

“Aylin?” I whispered. “It is beautiful. I remember liking it.”

“For baby A. It means: belongs to the moon, and since they were born in the middle of the night, during a storm–”

“ –it does seem fitting,” I said with a small smile. “I like it. Aylin Alise Black. For Alice. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“It does.” John was staring down at me. His large hand cupped my cheek, and his mouth brushed across mine. For a brief moment, I closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel him against me. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you,” I replied. “More than I ever thought possible.” I kissed him again, just as I heard one of the babies start to snuffle around.

John glanced over with a smile, saying, “And then our little baby B asks us what her name is, mama.” He stood up, and went around the bed, lifting her into his arms. “You gave me quite the scare, little one. Our little B.”

“What do you think about Beatrice?” I ask. “We could call her Bea, and I think it’s fitting.” I flipped to the page I’d marked a few weeks ago. “It means: she who brings happiness.”

“It’s perfect.” John came to sit beside me again, watching as I lifted the t-shirt I wore, his t-shirt, to feed our hungry daughter. I’d been worried about making enough milk to feed both of the babies, but as it dripped onto my thigh, I smiled. I had more than enough. He placed Beatrice in my arm, and I lifted my breast to her mouth, watching her grunt as my nipple brushed her lips. She opened up with a soft whine, and I felt my eyes well with tears. Soon we’d be back in Salem, facing our family, admitting what we’d done, but at that moment, I felt no guilt and no regret. He brushed a tear from my cheek, and then he kissed me again. Soft. Slow. Lingering. Then he said, “Beatrice Martha Black. For your mother.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Numi, numi yaldati,

Numi, numi, nim.

Numi, numi k’tanati,

Numi, numi, nim.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Numi, Numi – Tanja Solnik

Chapter 7 – I Walk Away

Chapter 7 – I Walk Away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You came

Out of the world to me

My life

Parted like the Red Sea

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

October 1993

John

Marlena and Beatrice were asleep. Aylin lay snuggled in my arms, her eyes drowsy, and sleep was not far behind for her either. I stared out the window above the sink towards the water. The weather had cleared after two days, and the lake was receding slightly. That meant that Bo was coming. He was probably already on the way, and as much as I wanted to hold off the inevitable, I knew there was no way. Looking down at Aylin, I knew. There was no denying that she and Bea were my daughters. They looked too much like Brady. They looked too much like me. 

Sadness washed through me. If I could take away the pain that was to come I would. Not just from Marlena, but from Carrie, Sami and Eric. I could imagine the disappointment in Shawn and Caroline’s eyes. I should have pushed Marlena months ago to tell Roman the truth, but I didn’t, and I knew why. If she’d had a chance to save her marriage, if the babies had been Roman’s… it might have changed everything. But her marriage was broken, and the babies were mine. I wasn’t giving up my children again, and Marlena – Marlena was mine too.

I was already making plans. We needed a house. I would have to call a realtor as soon as I had a free moment. We’d need bedrooms for the twins, Marlena and myself, Sami and Eric. That was at least five. That wasn’t a small house. Then I realized I had a house. The Alamain estate had been vacant since Lawrence and Carly had left Salem with Nikki. Vivian had just moved to Paris to be closer to them. Would Marlena agree? Possibly. If we redecorated. Lightened the color scheme, and got rid of all of that dark, varnished wood.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine making that looming mansion our home, and I couldn’t help smiling. I wouldn’t need to contact a realtor. That place was ready to move in. I would have my family, and my home. As much pain as the twins’ birth was going to cause, I couldn’t find it in me to feel remorse. Not as Aylin snuffled against me, and Marlena’s soft snores carried across the room. She was so tired. 

Glancing up, I saw Bo coming up over the crest of the hill, and I took a deep breath. I adjusted Aylin, and whispered, “Well, my little moon, your uncle is here.”

I opened the door before he knocked. He smiled at me, and then looked at the baby I held. Softly he said, “Shit. That’s what I thought.”

“You knew?” I asked.

“No really… well, Sami spilled the beans last night. Her and Eric have been up to some sheisty plotting lately,” Bo said. “But I got the gist of it. Roman was insistent on coming with me, but he got a call to the station for a case he’s working on. He’ll realize when he gets there that it is for the wrong case, but I’m gone already.”

“That’s only prolonging the inevitable,” I told him.

“Did you know they were yours?” he asked.

I stepped out onto the porch, where the air was unseasonably warm. Another storm was probably coming. Closing the door behind me, I said, “No… no, Marlena did a blood test. Aylin and Beatrice have her blood type. We didn’t know until they were born.”

“I’m not going to lie, John, this is a shitty way to break the news to Roman…” He reached out, and touched Aylin’s cheek softly with his fingertip, “But, she’s beautiful.” Looking back at me with steady eyes, he told me, “Roman’s going to know as soon as he sees them. All that thick dark hair, and… well, she looks so similar to Brady.”

Softly, I replied, “I know.” 

Bo reached for Aylin, and as I passed my daughter to him, he asked, “When were they born?”

“She was in labor when I arrived. They were born about four hours later.” I sighed as I leaned against the porch railing. “I’ve never been so fucking scared in my life. The next day, Beatrice stopped breathing, and I had to do CPR. I haven’t gotten much sleep since. I’m so nervous. I keep waking up, and checking the babies over.”

“Damn, man. That’s rough.” Bo stared down at Aylin, and smiled. “You and Marlena are family. No matter what, and Sami and Eric’s scheming… you’re gonna have to discuss that with them, but Sami admitted to hiding Marlena’s messages to Roman, and she intentionally called you to have you come out here.”

“I figured as much,” I said softly. I ran my hands over my face, and yawned.

Bo laughed. “You tired? Might as well get used to it.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We flowed

Easy between the rocks and stones

Never seemed to stop us

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

I’d been able to walk to the pier. John carried Bea in one arm, and my weekender bag in the other. Bo carried Aylin. Once on the boat with the babies settled next to me in the bed, Bo stood in the doorway. Softly he said, “I’m going to have to call ahead… for the babies. You know, to get you to the hospital, and have you checked out.”

John held my hand. “I’ll be with you.”

“I know.” I whispered, “This is going to… Roman is going to be so hurt, and I never meant to hurt him.”

“I think,” Bo said slowly. “Well, I remember when we were all in Mexico… I said to Carly, that it all seemed too easy, you know? You and John had already been through so much together. How was it possible to simply turn away from each other, and move on with different people? At the time, Carly said it was the best solution… for Roman, and for Isabella, but I always wondered.” He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “The night the codices were unveiled at the museum? Do you remember that?”

“I do,” I said softly.

“You and John seemed to orbit each other the whole night. And the next day when it was discovered that they were stolen… Roman blamed John immediately, but you were certain John hadn’t stolen them. I knew then,” Bo said.

“Knew what?” John asked.

“I knew that whatever existed between you and Marlena wasn’t over,” he replied. “There was a connection there that Roman and Isabella could deny, but it wasn’t severed. Kim talked to me about it before… and there have been moments when Ma or Pop have given each other a look across the room. No one thinks you two ever fell out of love. So yeah, this is gonna hurt Roman… but no matter what, you won’t lose the Brady family.”

I smiled. “Thank you, Bo.” He nodded once, and then turned to leave.

“We don’t know how Roman is going to react,” John said quietly. “But, Bo knew, Doc. As soon as he saw Aylin, he knew.”

“When Roman is angry… when he is furious and hurt, he lashes out.” I felt the well of tears start to sting my eyes. “This is going to hurt him so much. And it’s so odd, you know? He was barely involved in the pregnancy, but he was excited for the babies. I just don’t understand it. He missed doctor’s appointments, he took ISA missions, he wasn’t involved, but– ” I stopped talking, and then gasped softly, covering my mouth as I realized what had been nagging at the back of my mind for days.

Roman wasn’t excited about the babies per se. He was excited to have another connection to me that he could use to push John further away. How had I missed that? Roman’s comments that had seemed so casual, were the opposite? When do you think John might start dating again? I heard he was seeing Kristen. How’s John going to feel about the babies? Does your pregnancy bother John? John’s gotta understand now that it was always gonna be you and me, Doc.

“He saw the babies as another way to prove that he’d won,” I whispered. “Oh, G-d! John… I’ve only just–”

John reached out, wiping my tears from my face as the engine of the Fancy Face roared to life. “ –shh, baby.” he cooed. “None of that matters. We’ll figure it out. You and the babies are alive, healthy… I love you. You love me. The rest… the rest of it, we’ll handle it as it comes our way, but I won’t leave your side. I love you too much to allow you to bear the brunt of Roman’s anger on your own.”

“I’m the one who broke my marriage vows,” I whispered.

“You wouldn’t have broken them with anyone but me,” he said.

And it was true. Our love was so deep, it could only be John.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The years

Ended in confusion

Don’t ask me, I don’t know what happened

But I am

A man with a mission

Must be the devil I don’t know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bo helped me off of the boat, as John gathered Aylin and Bea. The ambulance was waiting. I gingerly stepped onto the pier, and then stared up at Bo, “Thank you.”

“Thank you?” He smiled widely. “For what?”

I squeezed his forearm. “For loving me… for loving John. For not hating me, I suppose.”

He helped me onto the gurney, and I stared towards the boat, waiting for John to emerge with the twins. I heard Roman, and then turned my head to see him rushing towards me with a smile. “You went, and had the babies without me, huh?”

“I did,” I said. “But, Roman, we need to talk.”

“We can talk later, Doc.” He looked around. “Where are they?”

No words of love. No inquiry as to my health, or the babies’ health. Nothing.

“John has them… but Roman–” He walked away. I watched as John passed a baby to Bo, and then carefully stepped onto the pier with our other daughter safely tucked in his arm. I waited, not even realizing that I was holding my breath. Roman approached them, and became very still as he stared at the baby in Bo’s arms. He didn’t say a word. He simply walked away.

I started crying. Soft, fat, silent tears that slid down my face. John’s eyes met mine, and he mouthed, I love you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m finally marching to a different tune

It’s hard to let go

Of all that we know

As I walk away from you

Hurled from my home

Into the unknown

As I walk away from you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

I was pouring myself a cup of nasty hospital coffee when I heard the door to the hospital lounge open. Turning to see who was there I wasn’t surprised to find Roman. It had been nearly three hours since he’d stormed away from us on the pier, but I’d known it would only be a matter of time before he would show up at the hospital. I noticed Bo appeared behind him as I said in acknowledgement, “Roman.”

“You fucking bastard,” he growled. “Is that all you’ve got to say?”

“I don’t know what you were expecting,” I replied, setting my coffee down beside me.

He came closer, and then swung his fist like a battering ram towards my face. It was a solid hit as pain lanced across my cheek bone. I’d allow him that one punch. I backed up, and he swung again, missing. “You won’t hit me again,” I said, rubbing my cheek. I glanced down at the sticky wetness on my fingers, and realized he must have cut my cheek.

“You slept with my wife!” he roared. “She couldn’t fucking stay away from you, is that it?”

“You won’t place the blame on Marlena,” I said. “I pursued her. Even when she asked me not to… this is all my fault.”

“Is that right?” he asked with a sneer.

“Roman,” Bo said carefully. “I don’t think this is the time or the place to have it out. We’re at a hospital.”

“I don’t care where the hell we are!” he shouted. I could see a crowd gathering outside the door, and I knew it would only be a matter of moments before security arrived. “You and my whore wife thought I wouldn’t find out? Kinda hard to hide the truth when those babies look just like you!”

My patience was gone. I stepped closer to him, and I said in low tones, “You will not ever refer to Marlena in that manner again.”

“Are you threatening me?” he sneered.

“I don’t make threats, and those babies are my daughters. Mine. Not your’s. That’s what you’re really angry about.” I took a breath, “My affair with Marlena shouldn’t have happened, but I don’t regret it. I love her, and those two beautiful little girls… they were created from that love. I won’t allow you to cheapen or demean that. Their existence will not be fodder for your rage.”

“Those were supposed to be my daughters. Marlena lied to me! How many times, John? How many times did you fuck her? While I was at work? On a stake out… hell, you were probably in my bed when I was on that last ISA mission!”

I thought about the night of the storm, when Eric had used all of the gas for the generator. I hadn’t made love to Marlena in her and Roman’s bed, but I had worshipped her heavily pregnant body on the couch in front of her fireplace. Roman noticed my silence.

“You fucking G-d damned bastard!” He lunged towards me again, but Bo caught him just as two security guards rushed in followed closely by Shawn Brady.

Shawn’s eyes met mine, and all I saw there was sadness and disappointment. I’d expected as much. This would be a shock to the whole family.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Reveal whatever you desire

To you it may be death defying

Black day

In the coldness of winter

Black words

Slipping off my tongue

I say forget it – it’s over

As a dark cloud covered up the sun

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

The babies had been taken to the nursery, and John had gone home to shower and spend some time with Brady. Caroline and Shawn had come by. I knew they were disappointed, but I also knew they loved me, John, and now Aylin and Bea. I’d handled everything so poorly. I should have told Roman I was unhappy before the affair started. I should have told Roman the truth when I came home the night of our anniversary party, or when I found out I was pregnant. I was well aware of my mistakes. I glanced at the clock. Visiting hours were over soon.

I closed my eyes, and considered everything that had gotten me to that point. Images flashed through my mind. Roman’s angry eyes. Sami’s tears. Eric’s hopefulness. Then I remembered the look of my own sadness. How many times had I sobbed alone in my bathroom just from loneliness? My marriage to Roman was a farce. Aylin and Bea’s birth was simply forcing me to face it.

The door to my room opened, and I glanced up to see Roman standing partially inside watching me. He released the door, allowing it to close, and he said, “We need to talk.”

“We do,” I replied softly. “I need to apologize. I– well, the affair was wrong. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I should have been honest from the start. I know I told you when we were in Mexico that I loved John, but I think… I think I should have discussed it with you more. You’ve believed all of this time that I loved John because I thought he was you, but that’s not true. I should have clarified… because I loved John before we believed he was you. I loved John–”

His words came out measured when he said, “You chose me in Mexico!”

“Did I?” I asked him softly. “Or was it something else? Isabella was pregnant, Roman, and John… he loved her. I was grappling with my own guilt, because you’d been jailed, and tortured by Stefano for seven years… and I thought… didn’t I owe you a chance?”

“So it was fucking pity?” he asked. “You came back to Salem with me, Doc! That’s what matters here!”

I felt my eyes well with tears. I’d expected this type of response. Roman didn’t listen to understand. He listened to respond, and that was a communication style I simply couldn’t handle anymore. Yes, my affair was wrong, but there was nothing wrong with the love I felt for John. “I’d loved you once… I thought perhaps, I could love you again. With time. I was wrong. I never… I never stopped loving John. I couldn’t. I–”

“ –it’s interesting that you take all the blame, because John certainly told me that was all him. He pursued you, he said. He pressured you–”

“ –no!” No!” I cried. John had pursued me, but he’d also only done it out of love. I was the one who’d gone to the plane in the storm that night. I was the one in the Titan conference room dreaming John would find me. “The affair… that was both of us. Yes, he pursued me, but I also… I sought him out. I was searching for that connection.”

“Connection?” he roared. “Is that what we’re calling it? A fucking connection?”

I started to cry. As much as I wanted to hold back my tears, the last few days had simply been too overwhelming. “I can apologize for the affair, Roman. It was wrong. I should have been honest with you from the start, but I can’t, and I won’t apologize for loving John. I told you repeatedly that I cared for him… and I can’t… no, I won’t feel like my daughters are a mistake. I can only say, I never wanted to hurt you.”

“What about Eric and Sami?” he asked. “How is what you’ve done going to affect them? They’ve got two bastard siblings now. They’ll be teased at school, and–”

“ –Aylin and Beatrice are not bastards!” I cried. 

The door to my room opened, and Alice poked her head in. I saw the concern on her face. “Oh, hello, Roman. I’m sorry but visiting hours are ending, so you will need to say your goodbyes.”

He stared at her in surprise, before he glanced at the clock. He knew he had time. Alice was lying, but he wouldn’t challenge her. He simply said, “I’ll be back tomorrow.” And then he was gone.

I covered my face with my hands, sobbing, “Oh, G-d!”

Alice puttered around my room, seemingly making sure the bathroom had soap, and refilling my water pitcher. She started talking softly, “You know, Marlena dear, over the last year or so since Roman came home, I’ve seen you happy so few times, but what I do recall is that every time I saw you glow… everytime I saw a smile on your face, you were with John. There were times when I heard shouting coming from your home, and Tom had to hold me back from going to check on you.” She came over, and took my hand as I stared up at her with tear filled eyes. “Dear, when you came home with Roman I told Tom, Tom, I said, Marlena and John are making decisions to make everyone else happy. I’m not sure this is going to work.”

“I’ve made so many mistakes, Alice.”

She wiped my tears, and said softly, “Marlena, we all make mistakes. We’re human, but those are the prettiest babies I have ever seen, and they have the proudest father I’ve ever known. Don’t be ashamed. Those are your babies, and this is a time of joy. Focus on that.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know that it’s…

It’s hard to let go

Of all that we know

As I walk away from you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

I heard Roman’s loud voice as I made my way down the stairs into the pub. Grandma had closed for the day, so it was silent, and his voice echoed. 

“Listen, pop, she gave me a lot of excuses! That’s what she did! And now I find out from Bo that Sami and Eric have been plotting against me this whole time! What kind of example is that? I’m their father, and yet John has consistently pushed his way into this family! He’s not a Brady!” he roared.

“Listen to yerself, Roman. This anger ye got, ye gotta get a handle on it,” grandpa said.

“Oh, I think I’ve got more than enough reason to be angry, pop! Marlena lied to me! From the very first time she saw me she lied,” he yelled. “She keeps saying she told me she loved John… she did, but for fucks sake, pop, she thought he was me! She only loved him because she’d somehow convinced herself that he was me, returned from the dead!”

“And ye’ve been holdin’ that against her and those kids ever since ye got back!” grandpa screamed. I’d never heard him so angry. 

“Wait… what?” I heard the confusion in Roman’s voice.

“Ye haven’t invested any time in fixin’ what was broken. Ye just blamed, and argued, and fought her every step of the way, and those kids… Roman that was yer chance to rebuild a relationship, but instead ye shoved ‘em off to Colorado, and when Sami came home, ye had an excuse every time. Her musical? That little girl sings like one of G-d’s own angels, and ye missed it!”

“I had to work!” he said in frustration. “I’m a police officer.”

“Yer tellin’ me like I’m unaware,” grandpa replied. “But I’ll tell ye what, John Black was at every single event for Sami since she came home.”

“This is the shit I’m talking about. This–this fucking loyalty to John! I was the one who was kidnapped, and tortured for seven years! I was the one–”

Grandpa lost his patience, “ –we’ve all been through hard times, Roman, but we ain’t all spendin’ our days blamin’ everyone around us fer the pain like ye are!”

“I’m going to see Mickey Horton about a divorce tomorrow, pop. I’ll be fucking dead in my grave before John gets his hands on my kids again!” Roman shouted.

“No! No! I’m staying with mom! I’m staying with John!” I cried, pushing through into the kitchen at the pub. I swiped my hair out of my face, saying, “I’m old enough to choose, and you can’t force me to live with you.”
Roman stared at me in shock. I wasn’t supposed to hear any of what he’d said. Grandma had been telling me for the last year to mind my own business, and stop eavesdropping. 

He sighed, “Sami, what I decide to do is what will happen. You may not see it now, but I’m doing what’s best for you and Eric.”

“Best for me?” I laughed. “Is that what you think? Was it best for me and Eric when you talked us into staying in Colorado? Was it best for us that you never called? Not once? Every single phone call for almost a year was from mom. What about when I came home? You paid attention to me for all of a week, and then you went back to ignoring the family, and working all the time. Was that best? What about the student awards ceremony last year? Did you come? Or opening night to Jane Eyre: The Musical? I had a singing role, and you never came to a single show! You know who did come? To every single show? John. He was at my awards ceremony as well. He called me at least twice a week in Colorado. You don’t know what’s best for me, and all I am to you is a weapon in your egocentric war against John.”

I stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard I heard it echo behind me. I wiped furiously at my tears as I ran up the back stairs, and straight into my grandma’s arms. Roman Brady didn’t know a damned thing. He sure as hell didn’t know me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The sun always sets

With room for regrets

As I walk away from you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Eric

I knew it was coming. I’d known all day. Sami’s guilt ridden big mouth had spilled the beans to Uncle Bo, and I knew he wasn’t keeping secrets for us. It was only a matter of time before grandma or grandpa wanted to speak with me. From the sound of the knock, it was grandpa. I put my comic book down, and said, “Come in.”

“ I was talkin’ to Bo earlier, and I think we need to talk,” he said.

“I figured,” I mumbled. “Look, I get that everyone’s probably mad at mom and dad… I mean John, but I’m not, and Sami’s not. We knew what we were doing.”

“Did ye think about yer dad at all?” grandpa asked. “What he’s been through? How he fought to get home to ye?”

“I’ve thought about it, but who’s been on our side? Did anybody come back from Mexico where all those big decisions were made and ask me, Sami, or Carrie how we felt? Were we okay with losing our father? Were we okay to be shipped off to live with grandparents we barely knew?” I felt myself getting angry. “All of the adults in our lives were making choices for us, and no one asked us once how we felt.”

Grandpa was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “Yer right. I think a lot of mistakes were made, but Eric what ye and Sami did was dangerous. Hidin’ yer mom’s messages–”

“ –we called dad! Sami called him at the loft! We knew he’d go!”

“But ye didn’t know she’d be havin’ those babies, did ye?” he asked me. “If something had gone wrong–”

“ –it didn’t!” I felt the tears well in my eyes. My argument fell on deaf ears. He was right. If one of the babies were breech. If dad hadn’t been able to save Bea the way he did. “I’m sorry. We just… we want our family back. The one we had. We’re tired of the arguing, and mom… grandpa, you don’t know! They argue all the time, and Roman… he makes her cry because he’s so angry, and he blames her for everything. So you– you can be mad, and yes, we went about it the wrong way, but I’m not sad they’re going to divorce. I’m not sad at all.”

He stared at me like he wasn’t sure what to say, but I wasn’t backing down. “That’s about the way of it with Sami too. But yer father, he’s thinkin’ he never had a chance, ye know?”

“He’s had a million chances,” I replied angrily. “And he blew them all.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Give it to me

Give it to me

Your inspiration

Give to receive

Find all we need

As I walk away

As I walk away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

The early morning sunlight was streaming in the window when John arrived. I held Aylin to my breast, and watched as he smiled widely, and went to pick up Bea. “These babies are going to be so spoiled, ” he murmured, kissing our daughter on her soft cheek.

“You can’t spoil babies,” I laughed softly. “Now toddlers, that’s a different story, but for right now all they need to know is how much they are loved.”

“And they are,” he said. “I, um, I was thinking about bringing Brady by later… to meet his sisters.”

“I’m so sorry, John.” I’d been thinking all night. Ever since Alice had forced Roman from my room, and while I’d been trying to save my marriage and protect Roman, I’d completely lost sight of what was waiting for me. Brady. John. A family. 

He came to stand beside the bed, and wiped a tear from my cheek. “Hey there, pretty lady. No tears. I know what you’re thinking, and you need to stop. Please, baby, don’t cry.”

“We’ve lost so much time,” I cried softly. “We could have been–”

“ –we have time now,” he told me softly. John pulled a stool up beside me, and sat down with Bea. He took a deep breath, and said, “So, me and the little bumble bee here were thinking–”

“ –bumble bee?” I repeated.

He looked down at our wide eyed, silent Bea, and he stated simply, “Yes. Kids need nicknames. It makes them feel special. Now, as I was saying, me and Bea here, well, we think we’re going to be needing a place to live, and since you’ve been busy, I took care of it. The house is being cleaned right now.”

I stared at him in surprise. He was right of course, we’d need a house, and I hadn’t even had a chance to consider it. “John! How did you find a place big enough?”

“The Alamain estate, Doc.” He seemed pleased with himself.

“What?” I asked incredulously. “John… that place is so… dark.”

“Which is why, you can redecorate the place any way you’d like,” he told me. “Whatever you want, and money is no object–”

“ –John…” Aylin pulled her mouth from my breast with a sleepy sigh, and I adjusted my gown before I lifted her onto my shoulder, and started patting her back. I was so surprised, but the Alamain house, it was big enough, and it could be beautiful… if I lightened up the color palette. 

“Please, baby,” he whispered softly. “You know it. I can see it in your eyes. The house will be perfect for us, and maybe… maybe Carrie might think about coming to visit. You know?”

That’s when my eyes started to well with tears. “I miss her so much.”

“We all miss her,” he told me. “Dr. Bader’s talking about releasing you tomorrow, and I’ve already got furniture ordered for the nursery that’s attached to the master bedroom. It really is the perfect house for us, and in case you’re still on the fence, there’s the pool. I know you love a pool. You talked about it all the time when we were married.”

“But we couldn’t afford it,” I said softly. A pool. I sighed. He was right. “Okay.”

“Okay?” he asked me with bright eyes. “You’re saying okay?”

“I’m saying okay,” I replied. “But people are going to talk. This is going to impact everyone in our lives. I was also thinking about taking a leave of absence from work. I’ve been considering it for awhile, actually. I missed so much time with Sami and Eric, and I–I feel like since I’ve been back, things have been–”

John leaned forward, reaching for me, and he laced his fingers through my hair as he cupped my face. “We’re a team now. You take as much time as you need. You focus on Sami, Eric, Bea, and Aylin… I’ll focus on you.”

“And Brady,” I said softly. “I want to love him, John. I already do, but I want him to love me, too.”

“Brady loves you, Doc. You’ve always been in his life.” He smiled at me with such joy. “You’re right. People are going to talk, but I don’t care. I don’t care, because I’m too fucking happy.”

The door to my hospital room opened, and Sami and Eric burst in. “Can we see our sisters now? Because we’re tired of being told to wait!” Sami said.

Eric came in carrying Brady, and I cried, “Oh! Brady!” Aylin startled, and started to cry. “Darling. Mama’s sorry. I’m sorry. I got too excited.”

Brady gave me a wide gappy grin, and I knew, no matter what we were about to face. We were going to do it as a family. Eric placed Brady on the end of my bed, and he scrambled up to give me a hug. I watched as Sami leaned over John’s shoulder, touching Bea’s cheek softly. She whispered, “She looks just like Brady, daddy.”

“You see that too, huh?” he asked with a smirk.

Eric stood next to my bed, unsure of himself, and I beckoned him closer. “Do you want to hold her?”

“Which one’s which?” he asked.

“I have Aylin. John has Beatrice. You can tell them apart because Bea has a freckle in her palm, and Ayline doesn’t.” Eric held his arms out, taking his sister from me, and then Brady snuggled into my side.

“Mom, she’s so tiny,” he whispered. 

The room was silent for a few moments, and then John said, “You know we’re going to have to talk about what you two have been up to lately.”

“I know,” Sami sighed. “Grandpa and Bo already reamed us pretty good, but we deserved it. Grandma explained how horribly things could have gone, and it— it was stupid what I did. Eric mostly just went along with me, but I was the one making the decisions.”

“Your mom and the babies are being released tomorrow, and–”

“ –we’re staying with you,” Eric said quickly. “Wherever you and mom go, we go. We already decided.”

John stood up, and walked towards the window, saying, “I figured as much. You’ve got to think about your dad though.”

“I don’t know why,” Sami said. I could hear anger and hurt in her voice. “He’s not thinking about us. I heard him on the phone this morning asking Uncle Shane for a deep cover assignment. He’s about to run off on another ISA mission. He’ll probably be gone before the end of the week.”

I stared at her with wide eyes for a moment, and then I saw the hurt on Eric’s face. He had no idea. I glanced over at John, and he gave me the saddest smile. Roman was going to run away again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m just a slave to ambition

Tension your permanent condition

So much you’ve always wanted

Too much given’ you a sore head

I walk away

As I walk away from you

As I walk away from you

As I walk away from you

As I walk away from you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I Walk Away – Crowded House

Chapter 8 – To Love Somebody

Chapter 8 – To Love Somebody

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There’s a light

A certain kind of light

That never shone on me

I want my life to be

To live with you

To live with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

November 1993

John

I knocked on Roman’s front door, pounding with the side of my fist. “Open the G-d damned door! I know you’re here!”

I was done with his bullshit self-pitying ways. I wasn’t going to stand by and watch him abandon his family yet again. He’d done it when the twins were born when he’d run off to be a hero and rescue Bo. He’d done it again right after we returned from Mexico, again to play the hero. Now he was running from his own pain. He was a fucking coward. That’s what he was, but I wasn’t going to allow him to do it without first getting some things straight. 

He wrenched his door open, staring at me with fury. “You’ve got some fucking nerve coming here.”

I pushed my way inside, saying, “We’ve got some things to discuss.”

Roman sneered. “Pretty sure the time for discussing is over. That might have been an option before you fucked my wife. You here to rub it in my face? You won didn’t you? You get my wife and my kids.”

“You have every reason and every right to be upset. Marlena and I… we should have worked through what was happening. We didn’t. We tried to ignore it, and we failed. But, Roman, you have to listen. I know you’re angry, and you’re hurt, but you can’t leave them again. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life,” I told him. He stared at me as if he could kill me right then.

He turned, and walked away, “You don’t fucking know me.”

I grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to face me as I yelled, “I know you better than anyone else. You seem to forget that your memories live rent free in my head!” I pointed at my head. Leaning closer, I said, “Don’t lie to me. You’re leaving because you’re running from what’s happened. You’re planning to leave your children behind because of your own fucking pride. I’m sorry, Roman. I love her. I love her so much it hurts, but we never wanted to hurt you.”

“Seems to me that my presence isn’t needed. You’ve got a handle on things,” he replied, lifting his duffle bag from the dining room table. “Ma and pop have you for a son. Brady can be their grandchild. Besides Carrie, Sami, and Eric will do just fine. I mean they still call you dad don’t they? They certainly didn’t notice I was gone before.”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself! They’re children!” I roared. “You’re abandoning your children, and I never took you for the type. I remember almost everything you’ve done. Don’t forget. When Kimmy fell on the slide, and broke her front tooth when she was six? You carried her home. When Kayla fell into the street, you snatched her up right before a car hit her… but since we found you in San Cristobol you’re a fucking coward.”

“Shut up!” Roman yelled, pulling himself from my grasp. “I’m not going to stay in this fucking town and live in this house and watch you raise the babies that should have been mine! I’m not going to watch you play daddy to my kids!”

“Why? Because you won’t fucking do it? You have had every opportunity to forge a relationship with your children. Stefano stole seven years from you, but now… now you’re choosing to walk away.” I stepped into his personal space. “I know what he did to you.”

“You don’t know anything!” he yelled, pushing hard against my chest.

“You don’t really believe that,” I told him. “I’ve been tattooed, forced to sit in a room with strobe lights and arias playing for fucking days! I’ve been chased through the woods by dogs and experimented on like I was Stefano DiMera’s personal lab rat. I know what you’ve been through, Roman. I know you have nightmares and flashbacks that you don’t talk about, because I do! But those kids need you. They have enough love to go around.”

“Bull shit! They don’t need me or want me! You think I don’t know what Sami did? Bringing Eric home to scheme against me?” Roman tossed his bag against the front door, and then stormed upstairs, leaving me standing there desperate to get through to him. He was so fucking infuriating, but if he chose to leave it would hurt Eric and Sami. Even if they didn’t fully understand. It might destroy Carrie. What he needed to do was swallow his pride, and try to find a way to build those relationships.

He stomped back down the stairs, “You can go. I’ve got to finish packing, and I’ve got a realtor coming to look at the house.”

“If you do this,” I said. “They will never forgive you, and you won’t be able to blame that on me. You are choosing to abandon your children, your parents, Bo, Kayla, Kimmy… Shawn D–”

“ –stop!” Roman screamed. He stepped closer pointing his finger in my face. “You have done everything in your G-d damned power to push me out! You finally get what you wanted. All I needed was to come home, and get my life back! My life! Not yours! Marlena was my wife, and those were my kids… this is my house! But from the moment I walked in here, nothing was the same–”

“You’re a fucking fool if you expected it to be! The twinners were barely a month old when you left! You came home and expected them to fall into your arms as if you lived in a G-d damned fairytale! You didn’t endear yourself to them when you pushed me away. You made them hate you! You changed the rules, you changed the expectations, and you demanded a loyalty you didn’t even earn. It was unfair to everyone… and Marlena and I, shit, Roman! We were in love, but then Isabella was pregnant and you were back, and everything was so confusing.”

He stared at me, and for the briefest moment I saw that he understood, but then that stubborn Irish pride took over, and he turned away. “Get out.”

I paused, and then I said, “If you leave them again, you don’t fucking deserve them. Maybe you never did, but I’ll tell you something, the thirteen years I spent with the children were the best years of my life, and the time I had with Marlena made me feel more whole than I ever have. I won’t feel guilty for that. I’m not the one you’re angry with. I never was.”

The last thing I heard as I left the house was Roman screaming, “Fuck you!” It didn’t matter. I’d said what I’d needed to say.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There’s a way

Everybody says

To do each and every little thing

But what does it bring

If I ain’t got you?

I ain’t got you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

John had rented the presidential suite at the Salem Inn for the children and I. It was crowded, but he said he had an idea. An idea? I was waiting to see what that idea was. In the meantime, I spent my time breastfeeding two hungry babies, and, quite frequently, napping. John dropped by his office occasionally, but most of the time he was with us. Sami and Eric spent their days at school, and their weekends helping out at the pub for extra money. They were both amazing with the babies. But after a week in the Salem Inn, we were all ready for something else.

I settled Bea into her bassinet, and then checked on Aylin. I might have enough time for a quick shower before one of them woke up. I turned on the baby monitor, and then made my way into the bathroom. The mere idea of hot water sliding over my tired body gave me goosebumps. Pulling my hair up in a messy bun on top of my head, I sighed. I turned on the water, testing it for the hottest temperature I could stand, and started to disrobe when I heard John clear his throat behind me. My whole body shook. How did he have the ability to do that to me? 

I glanced up, watching him in the mirror as he leaned casually against the door frame staring at me. “Don’t stop on my account.”

I felt myself start to blush. “I’ll be quick. I was going to shower now that the babies were asleep.”

He started to unbutton his shirt. “I’ll join you.”

Looking down, I wasn’t sure what to say. The babies had only been born a week earlier. I was still bleeding, and my skin was loose. Half the time milk leaked from my breasts. After DJ was born Don’s disgust was obvious. When the twins were born, Roman was so busy at work I was alone most of the time. Then he was gone. I’d never had a positive experience, and here John was offering to shower with me. I wanted that closeness, but I felt like the most unattractive version of myself.

I think he saw my apprehension, because as he shrugged out of his shirt, he stepped closer. “You’re beautiful, Doc. I just want some stolen time with you. I want to hold you, and touch you. That’s all. We don’t have very many quiet moments together.”

“Okay,” I said softly. I finished undressing, still feeling slightly self conscious, but then John wrapped his arms around me from behind. His chest rubbed against my spine, and I sighed when his hands made their way up my ribs to cup my swollen breasts. I moaned softly. He felt so good against me.

“You’re beautiful, Marlena. This body is beautiful.” His breath wafted over my ear as he tipped his lips towards me. “Don’t ever think I’d find you unattractive. What you did in the Horton cabin was a fucking miracle. The things this body can do… making life… giving birth…” He kissed the side of my neck gently. “You’re the most intelligent, amazing, powerful, enticing woman I’ve ever known.”

I stared into the mirror as he slowly caressed my curves, and I sighed. “I love you.”

“I love you,” he whispered. Lacing his fingers through mine, he opened the shower door, and led me inside. “I’m going to wash your hair, and then massage your back… and then you’re going to have the most amazing nap.”

“The babies will need to eat soon.” I turned in his arms, sliding my hands up his chest.

He kissed me, saying against my mouth, “Not for an hour or two.”

“Depends on how long we’re in this shower,” I teased.

“While that is enticing, you need to rest… and rest you will. As soon as I make you feel amazing.” And he did make me feel amazing. He washed my hair, and conditioned it. He ran a washcloth over my skin, and massaged my aching muscles. His hands were everywhere, and all I had to do was enjoy it. 

When he tucked me into bed a half hour later, I was relaxed and clean. All I could think about as I closed my eyes was the fact that Roman would have never taken care of me the way John had.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Baby, you don’t know what it’s like

Baby, you don’t know what it’s like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

I glanced over towards where Marlena slept, and I took the cordless telephone into the other room. “Victor, I would insist on paying rent. I won’t live there for nothing.”

His deep voice came over the line, “You’re family, John. Brady is family. That makes Marlena, and her children my family now too. The gatehouse is large enough, and it’s on the backside of the estate with a separate entrance. It’s perfect. It has four bedrooms – five if you convert the den – and I’ll be honest, it keeps you and Brady close.”

“I’ll discuss it with Marlena,” I said, staring out the window onto the street below. The Salem Inn was not a permanent solution. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up–”

“ –I’m not the man I once was,” he told me. “My family is important. I’m repairing my relationship with Bo, and now that Isabella is gone… I don’t want to lose you and Brady.”

“But living in your gatehouse?” I laughed. “Sami and Eric can be a handful, and I won’t lie to you, they will make their way into your house if only out of curiosity.”

“I don’t mind,” he said with a soft chuckle. “I miss the excitement of family.”

I laughed. “If I remember correctly Justine and Adrienne’s kids drove you crazy on their last visit.”

He countered, “Justin and Adrienne allow those children to behave like beasts. Marlena’s children are respectful, and well-behaved.”

“You haven’t seen Samantha Gene Brady in a rage,” I replied. 

“I’m just asking you to consider it. You asked for my help in finding a home, and I’ve got one. I understand if Marlena is hesitant, but I think she could be persuaded,” he said.

Persuaded. I rolled my eyes, saying, “I’ll speak with her, but no guarantees Vic.”

“I understand.” He paused for a moment, and then said, “I need to go see that the gatehouse is cleaned–”

“ –Victor, I didn’t say yes–”

“ –goodbye, John.” He disconnected the call, and left me staring at the cordless phone in my hand. I wanted to laugh. Victor had changed, but he hadn’t changed that much. 

When I took the telephone back into the bedroom, I realized Marlena was awake. She was leaning over Aylin’s bassinet, while cooing softly, “Is my genius baby hungry? Right on time like a clock.”

I chuckled, “It’s always the loud ones.”

She looked at me in mock outrage. “Aylin is not loud, she has preferences. She has opinions… but she is a lady, and ladies are never loud.”

I stared down into our daughter’s blue eyes as she scrunched her face, and worked herself up to a perfect wail. “That’s okay, my little moon, your sister Sami was never a quiet one either.”

Settling herself on the bed, Marlena tugged the t-shirt she wore, and lifted her breast for Aylin to latch. Quietly, she said, “At least Bea is still asleep.”

I looked into Bea’s bassinet. She stared up at me with wide blue eyes. “Not asleep,” I laughed. “Just waiting patiently.” I went to sit beside Marlena on the bed as I said, “That was Victor on the phone.”

“How is he?” she asked.

“He’s fine. He’s fine… I had asked him to help me find a house for us, since you and I are tapped at the moment, and he’s found us something. It’s four bedrooms… possibly five, and it’s ready to move in, it’s just that–” I stopped talking, and Marlena looked up at me.

“What?” she asked with a look that said she knew there was more.

“The gatehouse,” I said, feeling my words start to rush out. “He’s offering us the gatehouse. It has a separate entrance, and it’s already furnished. It would be the best choice right now I think, at least while the babies are so young. We didn’t exactly have a plan, and we can’t continue to live here.”

Marlena

John suddenly sounded so nervous. I smiled at him. “I’ve seen the gatehouse before.” Reaching for his hand, I threaded my fingers through his, and said, “You’re right. We had no plan at all, and now we have Eric, Brady, Sami and the twins… and we need a plan.” I stared up at him thinking about how much I loved him. “The gatehouse is beautiful, and it has a nursery. I remember that from when Adrienne lived there. John, honey, if we’re all together… that’s all I want.”

“You’re okay with the gatehouse then?” he asked me, relief washing over his whole body. I watched his shoulders drop, and the wrinkle in his forehead ease.

“It will allow Victor to be close to us,” I said. Victor was formidable when he was younger, but his advancing age had mellowed him, or maybe it was family that had done it. Either way, he was no longer the villain of the past. “I know he’ll want to be close to Brady.”

“Actually, Doc, I think he was excited about all of the kids. He said you’re family.” John turned when he heard Bea start to mewl and fuss. She was quieter than Aylin, but she could still howl when she had a mind to. 

Aylin was falling back asleep, so I looked at John, and said, “Trade? You burp. I feed.”

He placed Bea in position to feed from my other breast, and then he took Aylin from my arms. “Come here my little glutton.” As he lifted her to his shoulder to burp her, he told me, “I went to see Roman today.”

I looked at him quickly.

“I know you told me not too, but I had to, Doc.” He patted Aylin’s back gently. “If he still chooses to leave Salem, he can, but I wasn’t going to let him go without saying a few things.”

“How did he take it?” I asked. I knew John well enough to know that he’d been holding back for years.

“He shouted fuck you on my way out, so I’m thinking not too well,” he told me with a smirk. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In my mind

I see your face again

I know my frame of mind

You ain’t got to be so blind

So very blind

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was tired. No. I was more than tired. I was served divorce papers when I went to the pub that evening to pick up Sami and Eric. Roman had already left town. That was when I found out that he was demanding the house, which he’d already listed, and its contents. 

I looked up at John helplessly, “How can he do this?”

“He can’t, Doc.” He took the papers from me, saying, “We’ll have Mickey look over these, but Roman can’t leave town, and then drop these on you. That’s not how this works.”

“He won’t be here to discuss it!” I said. “We haven’t even had a chance to pack out belongings and he changed the locks!”

“I’ll call Abe,” he said quietly. 

Sami came into the pub from the kitchen, and her face fell when she saw how serious John was. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” I said softly. “John and I are handling it.”

“You’re lying,” she said. “Why are you lying?”

“Because you, Samantha Gene Brady, are still a child and you don’t have to know everything,” I told her. I rubbed my hand over the back of my neck as Eric came into the pub. It was a delicate balance. Roman had left Salem, and in the process he’d gone and made my life more difficult, but I didn’t want to add fuel to the anger the twins were already inevitably feeling.

“What’s going on?” Eric asked.

John sighed, “Look, why don’t you two sit down so your mom and I can talk to you before we go.”

“I thought we were going to the house so we can pack out stuff?” Eric looked between us with wrinkle in his forehead.

I reached out, placing my hand on his arm. “John… I think–”

“I’m not going to lie to them, baby.” He pulled a chair up to the table watching as Sami lifted Bea from her stroller. Eric and Sami looked at John, but they waited. “There’s been a complication. I’m going to work on it, but we won’t be going by the house tonight. Maybe not for a few days–”

“ –but I need my biology book,” Sami said. “I’ve been sharing with Ashley but I need mine for homework.”

“I’ll see if we can get in the house tomorrow,” he said. “But it’s not going to happen tonight. Listen, your dad is angry, and sometimes when people are angry they do things they might regret later. We’re going to figure it out. Your mom and me… not you. Do you understand?”

Eric was quiet for a moment and then he said, “What did he do?”

“There’s some confusion about the house,” John said. “We’ll get it straight. But tonight, what do you guys think about going to check out our new house?”

Sami’s eyes went wide, “You found us a house?”

“Well, Victor did.” John leaned forward, balancing his elbows on his knees. “I don’t want to lie to you two, but I also don’t want you to hate Roman right now. He’s hurting, and as much as you two wanted your mom and I together, we have to acknowledge that this hurt him badly.”

Eric looked down at the floor mumbling, “I didn’t think he’d care at all.”

John sighed, “Your mom and I… I love your mother with everything I am, but we… the affair was wrong. We should have faced our feelings long before we had an affair. It would have been the responsible thing to do–”

Sami looked up from where she held Bea in her arms, “ –but you don’t regret it? Right?”

Reaching forward, he stroked his finger across his daughter’s soft baby cheek, “I could never regret them, but Sami, you know what I’m saying. We should have admitted our love in Mexico.”

“I understand,” she said softly. “Because it would have hurt less people. So what? Did dad change the locks?” John smirked, and Sami started laughing. “He did, didn’t he? What a stubborn mule!”

“Samantha Gene!” I couldn’t help laughing. I reached for her hand, and glanced between her and Eric. “I love you both so much, and I feel like I missed out a significant portion of your lives. We’re going to figure out the house situation tomorrow, but for now… I just want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that John and I have become gossip for this town, and I’m sorry that you and Eric are on the receiving end of some of that gossip.”

Eric met my gaze, “Who told you?”

I gave him a wane smile. “Shawn D mentioned something to your Uncle Bo. Bo came to see me this afternoon.”

“We don’t care,” Sami said quickly. “People are stupid and the kids at school… they don’t really know anything. They can spread rumors and talk about us, but they don’t matter.”

“You’re still teenagers,” I said gently. “And I know it’s not fun.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m a man

Can’t you see what I am?

I live and breathe for you

But what good does it do

If I ain’t got you?

If I ain’t got you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

Sami and Eric took off towards the gatehouse, running inside as they argued about bedrooms. I chuckled. Let them fight it out upstairs. Marlena unhooked Bea’s carseat from the base as I lifted Aylin’s from behind my seat. I’d had to buy a new Jeep with third row seating to fit all of us, but I was happy with the purchase. As I rounded the vehicle, I found Marlena standing there staring up at the house.

“I forgot it was so big,” she said in awe.

I kissed her cheek. “Let’s get the babies inside, and then I’ll come back out, and start unloading the bags.”

Stepping inside was surreal. It smelled like polish, and household cleaners. Victor had the place turned out. All of the dust covers had disappeared, and there was a fire in the living room burning in the hearth. I set Aylin gently on the floor, and then reached for Bea, taking her from Marlena’s hands. Both of them were asleep. My beautiful dark haired, blue eyed babies. 

“It’s so… homey,” Marlena whispered as her eyes took in the open foyer. Off to the left the living room was lit, and the furniture was new. I smirked. That old man had outdone himself. Vic sure knew how to persuade people. 

She looked up at me, and I saw the tears in her eyes, but she was happy. “I still can’t believe we’re doing this. Sometimes I think about my life a month ago and I’m… so overwhelmed.”

“Me too,” I whispered. “When I made love to you that last time, I said goodbye. I was fully convinced that it was the end. That it would be the last time I touched your skin, or smelled your perfume. Especially when Roman came back from that ISA mission. I thought you’d regret that night.”

Marlena seemed so sad. “John, no.” 

I brushed my fingers along her jaw, and she turned her face to kiss my fingers. 

She held my hand to her chest. “I knew that night… we would never be over. Even if the babies were Roman’s… my love for you was too strong. I was a fool to try and make it work. What you said to the twins tonight was true. We should have been honest from the beginning.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Baby, you don’t know what it’s like

Baby, you don’t know what it’s like

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami

Eric and I sat hidden at the top of the stairs as we listened to mom and dad talk. Maybe they had gone about it all wrong, but that didn’t make their love wrong. I didn’t care what the kids at school were whispering. They could say whatever they wanted. Our mom was back in our lives. We got to wake up every morning with our dad humming, and making bad baseball jokes. I felt a little sad about Roman leaving. Like he never really gave Eric and I a chance. You know? He came into our lives, and somehow we managed to immediately disappoint him. But our dad had always had a way of making us feel as if we were extraordinary. 

I leaned towards Eric, allowing my head to rest on his shoulder as I whispered, “I hope this feeling lasts forever.”

“What feeling?” he asked me.

“This happiness that fills my chest… like I’m going to float away.” I sighed when it got silent downstairs. They were kissing again. That part was always kind of gross, but as I got older I found myself feeling more wistful about it than disgusted. Puberty was weird.

“That new kid, Lucas Roberts, asked me about you today,” Eric said with a small laugh.

“Gross,” I replied. “He’s like four feet tall. No thanks.”

“He might grow.” He was quiet for a minute, and then he said, “I think no matter what dad said today, I’m glad they had an affair. I mean, rationally, I know it’s wrong, but maybe sometimes… when love is that strong, staying apart is what’s really wrong. You know?”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “I know.”

“So you’re cool if I take the bedroom in the back corner?” he asked me. And that easily we’d moved on. I figured Roman leaving might be something that made me hurt once I’d processed it a little more. Kind of a cowardly thing to do, to run off and abandon your kids because your wife left you… but I guess being embarrassed about the babies, and traumatized by a crazy sociopath made things complicated.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ooh, yeah

You don’t know what it’s like

Baby, you don’t know what it’s like

To love somebody

(You don’t know what it’s like)

To love somebody

To love somebody

(You don’t know what it’s like)

You don’t know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

Marlena and I sat across from Mickey Horton as he explained her next steps. “The house was in Roman’s name, but you can contest the sale since John paid the mortgage for thirteen years, and you’ve been living there since your return. I don’t think any divorce judge would award Roman the full value of the sale. That is, if you agree to the sale.”

“I want to sell the house,” Marlena said. “I can put my half of the profits into college accounts for Sami and Eric. I don’t need the money.”

“What about the locks?” I asked Mickey. 

“I spoke with Abe Carver this morning. The realtor has been told to pause listing the property for sale, and Abe has taken control of the keys.” Mickey glanced down at the papers in front of him. “The furnishings of the house can be sold, but you have the right to take family heirlooms or anything else that might be sentimental. Roman’s lawyer really didn’t ask a lot of questions. He made you out to be the villain in all of this.”

“I am,” she said softly. She looked up at me, whispering, “I mean, we are. Aren’t we?”

Marlena’s emotions had been all over the place over the last few days, and that was understandable. She’d just given birth, she wasn’t getting enough sleep, and the stress she was feeling from the court of public opinion was too much for her. We weren’t oblivious. We heard the whispers when we walked by. We knew that conversations stopped when we entered the room, but when we were alone, nothing else mattered. Just like anything else in Salem, it would pass as soon as the next scandal became a talking point. 

The twins were three weeks old now, and every day with them was another day that had me marveling at the turn my life had taken. I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought, but I knew Marlena struggled. I reached for her hand, and I held it firmly in mine. “Being in love doesn’t make us villains, Doc.”

“I just never expected it all to be so complicated,” she whispered.

“It’s not,” Mickey said with certainty. “What Roman did was out of line. I’ll file with the judge today to have the ownership of the house looked at, and in the meantime, Abe has the keys. John, just give him a call, and he’ll get them to you. Roman had no right to do what he did, Marlena.”

“He’s so hurt,” she said quietly. “And we did that, John. Maybe I should just let him take the house–”

“ –no,” I said firmly. “No. That house is rightfully yours–”

“ –and yours,” she said.

I nodded, accepting what she’d said. I’ve lived there longer than either her or Roman. “But listen, for the twins, let’s do what Mickey suggests. Maybe Sami or Eric can use the money for college, or maybe someday they can use it for down payments on their own homes, but Roman has no right to try and shut you out. He was hoping that your guilt would keep you from contesting.”

Tears welled up in her eyes, but she said nothing.

I thanked Mickey, and then we left. There was nothing more to say.

Marlena

Emotionally I felt so unpredictable. I turned into John’s arms, and sobbed against his chest as we left Mickey’s office. “I’ve gone about everything so wrong!”

“We can’t change that, baby. I wouldn’t want to change that,” he told me.

I looked up at him, “What?”

He smoothed his hand across my jaw gently, saying, “I don’t care. Yes, we hurt people, and I regret that… but you, Sami, Eric, Bea, and Aylin… no, Doc, I don’t wish I’d done it differently.”

“Really?” Why did simply hearing him say that bring me so much peace. “Even though we… I broke my marriage vows, and Roman believed the babies were his?”

“I’d do it over and over again if it means that I get this moment with you, and I won’t apologize for that. I’m done with apologies, baby.” He kissed me gently, allowing his lips to linger on mine, and I felt myself relax against him. “I know we hurt Roman… and I may be a bastard for saying this, but you are mine. You have always been mine, and we took too long to recognize that, but Roman made mistakes, Doc. He made so many mistakes. He had you, the children, the house… even my job, and he didn’t value any of it. Not really. So I took back what was mine, and I won’t feel bad about that.”

“We can only move forward,” I whispered. 

“We can only move forward. We’ve made our apologies, but we’ve got to stop wrecking ourselves with guilt over what if’s.” His strong arms held me close, and I sighed softly. John whispered against my hair, “I love you, Marlena. I love you so much.”

I breathed in his scent, feeling myself relax. “I love you too. I’m so grateful to have you in my life.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To love somebody

(You don’t know what it’s like)

The way I love you

You don’t know 

(You don’t know what it’s like)

You don’t know

To love somebody

(You don’t know what it’s like)

To love somebody

You don’t know

(You don’t know what it’s like)

Hoo, hoo

To love somebody

To love somebody

The way I love you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

To Love Somebody – Michael Bolton

Chapter 9 – In the Still of the Nite

Chapter 9 – Our Song

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone

In the front seat of his car

He’s got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel

The other on my heart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

June 2009

Marlena

“Do you have everything?” I called up the stairs. “She needs her overnight bag, which she said is already packed, but she also needs a toothbrush! Can you grab that too?”

“I got it, Doc,” John said, rushing back down the stairs. He held up Sami’s toothbrush to prove he had it. “Are you sure you trust Brady, Aylin, and Bea to babysit the beast?”

“The beast?” I laughed. “John! Our son has a name, and besides there’s three of them. They should be able to handle him until Carrie arrives.”

“He’s a damned beast. This morning I found him trying to start a fire in the backyard to summon aliens. I had to hide the matches and the lighter fluid. He’s too smart for his own good.” He slung Sami’s duffle bag over his shoulder, saying, “You can’t deny it.”

“I won’t,” I said, picturing our red haired, freckle faced boy with glasses. “But when he’s a world renowned scientist or an astronaut you’ll be grateful.” I’ll admit that having another baby at the age of forty-nine had not been in the cards for me, but giving birth to Eli had been an amazing gift, even if he was hell on wheels. He kept us young, I suppose.

Back in the car, I placed my hand on John’s arm gently. “Look, we’ll talk to him, okay. At eight years old, he shouldn’t be starting fires in an attempt to contact alien life, but if you remember, Sami tried to build a rocket in the shed once. We’ll talk to him.”

John was quiet, and I could tell he was remembering the chaotic upbringing we had with our little Samantha Gene. “Can you believe we’re about to be grandparents?”

“I’m still in shock,” I whispered with a wide smile. “But I’m so excited. I’m so ready for this next step in our lives. I’m ready to take it with you, grandpa.”

“Oh, Lord!” he groaned, putting the car in reverse. “How do you think Jaimie’s holding up?”

I laughed. “With Sami the panic queen? Jaimie is braver than I am.”

“Eric’s there too,” he said. “Maybe he’ll keep her calm.”

“Jaimie is good with Sami. They’re so perfect for each other.” I glanced at the clock. “Oh! It’s just past midnight. We’re having a grandbaby today!”

John turned right at the stoplight, and he said, “I looked in on the nursery. Jaimie and Sami have it decorated very non-gendered. They’re not giving anything away, and Eric’s keeping mum as well.”

Resting my head back on the headrest, I glanced over at John. “I can’t believe the way our lives have turned out. Sami has found someone that loves her completely, and Eric is so happy traveling the world.” I was quiet for a moment, and then I said, “I’m glad he came home for the birth.”

“I was wondering,” John said softly. “When Jaimie and Sami first came to us with their plan to have a baby… I was concerned at first. I worried how Eric might fit into the baby’s life as the father, but he assured me he understands it’s not his child. Not really. He’s so excited to be Uncle Eric.”

“He has a photoshoot in Lisbon next week,” I said. “But this gift that he’s given Sami and Jaimie… he would do anything for his sister. She would do anything for him, and her and Jaimie… they’re going to be such amazing mothers.”

John smirked, “That child will either be a CEO or an artist.”

I couldn’t help the happiness I felt as I said, “Jaimie will have them in her pottery studio as soon as they can walk.”

“Maybe sooner,” John laughed.

Joy was contagious. “Probably sooner.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I look around, turn the radio down

He says, “Baby, is something wrong?”

I say, “Nothing, I was just thinking

How we don’t have a song”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jaimie

The first time Sami had kissed me we’d been sixteen, and having a sleepover. It was your standard run of the mill teenage girl sleepover, except every time she looked at me with those baby blue eyes I thought I would self combust. Every time she spun on her heel, and I smelled coconut Suave shampoo, I wanted to sigh. I was the girl who would follow her anywhere, join any scheme, and try and talk her off of a million cliffs as long as I was by her side. She was the yin to my yang, and I was in love before I even understood what love was. As I stared down at her, I couldn’t believe that with every passing day, I was even more in love.

“Do you want some more ice?” I asked her.

“I want this baby out!” she screamed.

I glanced over to find Eric reading a magazine, while laughing. At least he found his sister entertaining. “She’s in pain, Eric. She can’t help it if she’s a little mean.” I wiped the sweat from her brow with a damp cloth, and whispered softly, “Your brothers an ass.”

I could tell the contraction was receding, because Sami’s breathing evened out. “That ass gave us a baby.”

She was right. Uncle Eric was always going to be a permanent fixture in our lives. The only difference was he’d donated genetic material to solidify his position in our unconventional family. I couldn’t believe it actually. The miracles of IVF made a baby with my egg and his sperm, and then placed it inside of Sami. We were all about to be parents, although Eric had been very clear. He was an uncle, not a dad, and that suited me just fine.

Sami gripped my arm, saying in a panicked voice, “Oh, G-d! Jaimie! Another contraction – another – oh! G-d! Why did I say I wanted to do this part?”

“Because I went through hormone injections, and egg harvesting,” I replied blandly.

From the couch across the room, Eric said, “And I watched porn, and put my sample in a cup.”

“Shut up!” Sami screamed. “G-d, Eric! You’re so gross!”

He shrugged. “What? It’s the miracle of life.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And he says

Our song is the slamming screen doors

Sneakin’ out late, tapping on your window

When we’re on the phone and you talk real slow

‘Cause it’s late and your mama don’t know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John

When Marlena and I arrived at the hospital we were ushered in quickly, and put into hospital scrubs. Dr. Bader smiled at us, “Are you ready grandma and grandpa?”

“As ready as we’ll ever be!” I said excitedly.

“Sami is dilated to about 9.5, so we’re almost ready–” 

Sami’s scream filled the air, and then I heard Eric’s panicked voice yell, “Oh shit! That’s a head!”

“Get your face away from there!” Sami screamed. 

Marlena and I rushed in to see Eric looking decidedly pale, while Jaimie wiped a wet cloth over Sami’s flushed face. 

The nurse looked up in relief, “The baby is crowning!”

“We’re having a baby,” Jaimie gushed, kissing Sami softly on the lips. “Our baby!”

“Play the song,” Sami gasped. “Eric, you’re supposed to be my labor coach. Play the song!”

“You were serious?” he asked. “Taylor Swift?”

“It’s called a birth plan, dummy! Play the song!” Instead of getting frustrated, Eric just laughed, and reached for the CD player. Hitting play the first strains of violin filled the room, and Sami reached for Jaimie’s hand. She looked up at her partner with the happiest expression. “You ready for this adventure, mama?”

“I’m ready…  I’m always ready for an adventure with you,” Jaimie whispered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our song is the way you laugh

The first date, “Man, I didn’t kiss her, and I should have”

And when I got home, before I said amen

Asking G-d if He could play it again

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena

I sobbed like I’d just given birth myself when Erica Alice Brady-Caldwell was born. And why wouldn’t I? She was the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. Soft brown curls sat atop her perfectly rounded head. She had lungs that told the world she was there to stay, and make her mark. I watched as Eric sobbed, running the tip of his fingers along her cheek. Sami held the baby against her chest, and stared up at her brother, whispering, “Thank you… oh, thank you so much for this gift.”

“Anything for you Sami-Gene,” he said softly. 

Jaimie leaned forward, kissing Sami gently. “You were so amazing, Sami. So amazing.”

“I was, wasn’t I?” Sami said with a smile. The nurse stood beside her rubbing the baby as she wailed. When Sami’s eyes met mine, they filled with tears as she said, “I’m a mommy.”

I choked on my own emotion as I repeated, “You’re a mommy.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was walking up the front porch steps

After everything that day

Had gone all wrong and been trampled on

And lost and thrown away

Got to the hallway, well on my way to my lovin’ bed

I almost didn’t notice all the roses

And the note that said…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Eric

I’d spent most of Sami’s pregnancy, and even the birth being my typical annoying self, but watching Sami give birth to my niece was life-changing. That was my flesh and blood. My family, and I would be the best uncle in the history of the world. I would fight dragons for her. 

“She’s so beautiful,” I whispered while holding her a few hours later. I glanced up at Sami, “She’s such a pretty baby.”

“She’s your daughter,” Sami said softly.

“No. She’s your daughter, Sami. Yours and Jaimie’s. I’m uncle material. I’m not sure I’ll ever have the type of life where I settle down and raise a family, but I will always be the best uncle ever. I promise.” I ran my finger across Erica’s cheek, and chuckled. “Did you really have to name her Erica?”

Jaimie gasped in mock outrage. “Of course! Erica is her name, and she will always know how special she is, and what a gift she is. We won’t lie to her… she will know who you are.”

“I have to go to Lisbon for a few months next week, but I’ll be back in September.” I felt less excited than I had a few hours earlier. I glanced between Jaimie and Sami, saying, “I still can’t believe we made this thing.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our song is the slamming screen doors

Sneakin’ out late, tapping on your window

When we’re on the phone and you talk real slow

‘Cause it’s late and your mama don’t know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Aylin

I wrangled Eli into the minivan, because Bea was too much of a softee to yell at the rascal. He was a handful. He squirmed as I fastened his seatbelt across his booster seat. “Stop moving you little hamburger!”

“Hamburger?” he cackled loudly. “I’m not a hamburger!”

“Do you want to go to the hospital, and see Sami’s baby, or not?” I asked him.

“I do!” he yelled.

“Then settle down, and stop acting like Carrie’s minivan is a bounce house!” I said.

Eli strained to look behind him. “Where’s Brady, and Bea?”

I pushed his red curls back from his flushed face, and I said, “You already know where they are. They rode with grandma and grandpa. You get to ride with me, Carrie, and Noah.”

“Noah’s a dumb baby,” he said sulkily.

“Noah’s a toddler, and at one time I thought you were a dumb baby,” I laughed. “Now you’re just a hamburger.”

Eli started laughing, and reached for my hand kissing it. He was such an interesting kid. A combination of sweet and adorable mixed with hooligan. I closed the van door, and smiled at Carrie. “He’s strapped in.”

“And the child safety locks are engaged,” she laughed, putting the van in reverse.

I couldn’t help laughing too. “You’d think he was an escape artist.”

From the backseat Eli said, “Fun fact, did you know lobsters have blue blood, and elephants are pregnant for 22 months!” 

My head fell back against the headrest as I mumbled, “I hope Brady and Bea are enjoying a relaxing ride.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our song is the way you laugh

The first date, “Man, I didn’t kiss her, and I should have”

And when I got home, before I said amen

Asking G-d if He could play it again

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brady

I heard Eli before I saw him. “Did you know that Alan Shepard played golf on the moon in 1971?” Rolling my eyes, I leaned over towards Bea. “I hope you enjoyed that twenty minutes of silence.”

Eli came around the corner, and immediately ran towards Bea, screaming, “I missed you!”

“How could you miss me, brat? I literally just saw you at home,” she told him. He stood before her with his shirt buttoned wrong, and his belt askew. She quirked her eyebrow at him in a move so similar to dad that I almost laughed. “Did you have any help getting dressed?”

“Aylin said I looked good,” he said, examining his clothing.

Bea was the caretaker type, and she tucked his belt back in the loop and then fixed the button on his shirt. His socks didn’t match, and I wasn’t even sure if Aylin had bothered to comb his hair. He looked like a wild nymph who’d just fallen out of a tree. In Aylin’s defense she looked the same most of the time. Her long black curls were generally a wild halo around her face or a haphazard pile atop her head. Bea kept her hair chin length, and very neat. Otherwise they were identical in their features. Personality? Not so much. 

Eli looked around, saying loudly, “So where’s this baby at?”

That’s when we all heard dad’s voice. “The gang’s all here!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve heard every album, listened to the radio

Waited for something to come along

That was as good as our song

‘Cause our song is the slamming screen doors

Sneakin’ out late, tapping on his window

When we’re on the phone and he talks real slow

‘Cause it’s late and his mama don’t know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carrie

I couldn’t help but smile at the family that surrounded me. Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Bo, Hope, Shawn, and Ciara. Kayla and Kim would be arriving shortly with their families. Then there was Eric, Aylin, Bea, Brady, and Eli. My eyes met my dad’s, and I saw a happiness there that had once been missing. I wouldn’t say that Roman leaving town had been the best thing. Abandoning your family was never the right choice, but dad stepped in, and never looked back. We were his kids, and he was our dad. 

I adjusted Noah on my hip, but he squirmed crying, “Pop-pop!”  His arms stretched out in dad’s direction. Dad’s face broke into a wide grin, and he snatched my son out of my arms, spinning him around as Noah squealed, “More!”

“Who’s ready to go meet their new cousin?” he asked.

“How’s Sami and Jaimie doing?” I asked. “And Eric?”

“Sami and Jaimie have been enjoying some quiet time with their new daughter, and I think Eric was surprised at how much the birth affected him. He’s just as in love with that baby as they are,” he said. He leaned down to place Noah on the floor. Noah immediately took off in Marlena’s direction, yelling, “Nana!”

John wrapped his arm around me, whispering, “I swear I’m happier every single year.” We started walking towards Sami’s room with the chaotic circus following closely behind. “So how’s Austin doing?”

“He’s fine. He wishes he was here, but he’s supervising packing up the house. I can’t believe I’m finally moving back to Salem,” I said.

He kissed the side of my head, whispering, “It’s been too long, punkin. Way too long.”

Sami

As I looked around the room watching my family fight over Erica, I didn’t regret a single choice I’d made all those years before. My scheming and plotting had yielded the result I wanted. My mom and dad were together, and they were happy. I glanced over at Jaimie, and laced my fingers through hers. I didn’t regret my life with her either. Sure, I’d done a little scheming to get that first kiss, but after that it was just me and Jaimie against the world. She was my world. Soft skin, smooth lips, and brown curls that tangled in my hands. 

Eric’s gaze met mine, and he grinned, mouthing, “I love you.”

“I love you too, dork,” I said quietly. 

My family was perfect. 

My family was exactly what I’d dreamt of. 

Eli climbed up on the end of my bed, staring at me with wide eyes. Very seriously he asked me, “So does it hurt? You know, when the baby comes out of your butt?”

“What?” my mom said loudly. “Who told you that?”

I noticed Brady trying to slink out of the room, as my dad called, “Brady Victor Black! Stop right there!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our song is the way he laughs

The first date, “Man, I didn’t kiss him, and I should have”

And when I got home, before I said amen

Asking G-d if He could play it again

Play it again, oh yeah

Oh-oh, yeah

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone

In the front seat of his car

I grabbed a pen and an old napkin

And I wrote down this song

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our Song – Taylor Swift