“Did she say where she dropped them?”
“She said the parking lot by the clinic. Who can see anything in this dark? Remind me to tell the mayor to put up some lights when he comes in next week.”
“You’re treating the mayor?”
“Forget you heard that.”
“I told you he’s a little lacking in the head apartment.”
“For which he makes up in the lack of shirt department.”
“What?”
“Look over by the blue light.” She looked up to catch him staring at her from the distance and gave him a wink and a shrug before she turned towards their own car again.
“Found ’em!”
————————
My heart pounds as I turn around, expecting to see a grinning face gloating that he’ll now be his baby girl’s hero once again, the world moves as if in slow motion and I hear the screeching of car wheel coming closer each second. I feel as if I’m standing still in a picture frame watching the world from up above. I see the car, I see my love and then as if the world has darkened, he vanishes. All in less than five seconds. A scream forces me out of my lull and it takes me a moment to realize that it’s my own.
————————
She covers his whimpering body with her coat as she frantically searched for her cell phone. She cursed the sound of low battery warnings and reach into his pocket for his cell phone. She cradled his head in her lap as she slapped the phone shut, almost hoping to hear the sirens screaming nearby already. She whispered soothing words to him as she listened to his breathing slow down more and more each agonizing second.
She watched as the paramedics lifted him into the ambulance and as she sat down by the gurney, she grabbed onto his hand, a little bloodier and a lot colder than 5 minutes ago.
“Mom, what the hell happened?” Belle rushes into the ER, clinging to her mother.
“Sweetie, John was hit by a car. We don’t know why or how, it just… happened.” Hope gently pulled Belle out of Marlena’s sight. “She hasen’t said a word since she stepped into the ambulance, she might be in shock. I think we need to just give her a little time to grasp the situation, okay? I’m gonna take her to a private room, let her be checked out to make sure she’s ok before she deals with what’s happened to your dad.”
“Thank you.”
“Dr Winters, tell us, how is he?”
“I’m sorry Mr Brady, the patient has…”
“John.” Dr Winters lifted his eyes from the chart to look at Bo Brady. “His name is John, he’s not ‘the patient’. He’s my brother and somebody’s husband and father.”
“John has severe damages to his head and back, he’s not responding to any of our tests, and we do need to discuss…”
“Don’t say it…”
“Whether or not to continue life support.”
“No.” The family members, all gathered in a circle around the doctor, turned to Marlena, standing in the doorway, her look directed at Dr Winters.
“Marlena. You of all people know how this works. I’m truly sorry, but it doesn’t look good. We need a decision as quickly as possible, preferably right now.”
“I won’t let you kill my husband.”
“Dr Evans.”
“Josh.” A determined look on Marlena’s face told him all he needed to know. He quickly closed the chart.
“I’ll give it a little more time.”
______________
Isabella Black sat down quietly by her father’s side and looked as he lay so small and helpless in the hospital bed. He struggled to open his eyes and gave her a quick smile.
“Hi daddy. Don’t say anything ok? You have a tube down your throat to help you breathe.” He smiled again, longer this time. She felt the tears reach her lips, salt and bitter. “This can’t be it. There’s so much I have to say to you, so much you have left to do. Who else will show Claire how to hit the ball out of the park or how to make the secret recipe of strawberry pancakes. It has to be you. You have so much to do still in this family. Claire needs you, I need you, mom needs you. You’re our superman, daddy, so don’t die okay? I’ll forgive you if this is just some evil prank someone’s playing on us.”
She wiped the tears from her face and kissed his cheek before squeezing his hand once more.
______________
Belle hugged Bo as she stepped out of the room and he closed the door, leaning back, taking a deep breath before finding his voice.
“Hey man, saw your family out there and they are really not giving you credit, but that’s cool, I’ll help you tease them like hell when you get better.” He wiped his mouth and leaned in.
“Just between you and me, I need to tell you something. One of the worst days of my life was the day we found out you were John Black. I didn’t feel like I’d gained anything, I’d just lost someone. But through the years, you’ve shown me what a true brother is. Thank you, for being my brother and for picking up the pieces when everything falls apart. I love you, big brother.”
______________
“Partner, I don’t know what to say to you, but if there’s anything at all that I can say or do to make you survive this, then tell me because I’ll go to hell and back to make it happen for you.” He sat down and held John’s hand in his.
“I’m so proud to have been your partner, I’m so honored to have been your friend and I’ve been blessed to have you in my life.”
______________
Samantha Brady-Roberts waddled quietly towards the hospital bed and sat down.
“I don’t know what to say to you. I spent so much time hating you for breaking up my family that I kept forgetting the fact that you were my family for so long. Do you remember pancake Sundays? No one else ever figured out that it was me stealing the sugar cubes from the kitchen, but you knew. That was our secret.” She smiled weakly at the memory of her father catching her with her hand litteraly in the jar filled with sugar cubes.
“This is not fair. You weren’t there for my wedding, you weren’t there when Will was born, and now they’re telling me that you might die without seeing your new grandchildren. But that’s me right? Selfish Sami.” She took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m so sorry I told you hated you. Every time. I was so afraid to love you. I had a father, I had Roman. How was I supposed to love you without loving his less? I didn’t know, so I just stopped. I just told myself that you didn’t love us enough. That you loved my mother, but you didn’t love us. You couldn’t let her go, but you let us go with him. Roman. I just wanted so badly to tell you that it didn’t matter what your name was because you were my dad. But I was afraid that he wouldn’t love me if I loved you. So I just forced myself not to. But you did. You loved me. Every day, every moment, you loved me. I’m sorry we lost so much time. So if you’ll just be okay, I’ll make it up to you. I promise. But if you can’t, and if this is God’s way of being cruel, then I promise that I’ll take care of mom for you.” The tears streamed down her face as she closed her eyes and kissed his bandaged forehead.
“I love you daddy.”
______________
They all sat inside the private ICU room, holding hands as they listened to the sound of his breath. John had woken up briefly twice since the family had said their goodbyes, hope was raised as Shawn lead the group in a silent wishful prayer. Bo gently whispered to Marlena.
“Do you need a moment alone?” She bit her lip as she nodded softly. Bo took Hope’s hand a gestured quietly as they lead everyone out of the room. Marlena walked over to the window and said quietly.
“I can’t do this John. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. I never even imagined it. Everyone has a time, but I guess I always thought, even when you where gone for all those months, asleep, that our lives would end as we lived them. Together. Holding hands. I saw us leaping over a cliff or going down in a plane crash. Not this. Not a random accident. You’re John Black. Just pull one of your spy moves and pull yourself out of this.”
———————
In the silence, she touched his hand, caressing his wounds, kissing his fingertips lightly.
“You know, years ago when we had our affair, I had comments directed at me from every source you can imagine. Hospital staff, friends, family. And they were all right of course, except on one thing. We couldn’t have prevented it. We both knew it would happen eventually. It was inevitable. It was destiny. We went about it the wrong way, we had a choice in when and how, and we made the wrong one in the moment. But there was never a question that if maybe I’d been stronger that I would have resisted and stayed away. This thing, this, us… It’s bigger than us. I knew it from the moment I saw you. I fought you every step of the way, but it was always you who was meant for me. I was looking for you, and there, in some crowded, ordinary pub, there you were. With your leather jacket and your sexy smile. And those eyes. Those eyes are home.
You know, you still make me feel the way I felt that day. You look at me with those beautiful blue eyes and everyone else disappears. Like I’m the only person in the room. Remember what you told me the night we made love in the conference room? What I know about Zen? You told me the story of the man who wanted to know who Buddha was.”
She took a deep breath, drying her eyes, preparing to tell him the story as she remembered he had told it.
“He asked him, ‘Are you a god?’ And Buddha said, ‘No’. So he asked him, ‘Are you an angel?’ And once again Buddha said ‘No’. So he said, ‘You must be a saint…’ And for the third time Buddha replied, ‘No’. So the man said, ‘What are you?’ And Buddha looked at him and said, ‘I am awake!'”
“‘That’s how I feel when I’m with you. Awake.'” His voice was barely audible and he winced as she spoke, the pain of a tube down his throat affecting him.
“Oh thank god! Hi honey. It’s good to see those eyes.”
“Hey pretty lady. I have to talk to you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you. It can wait.” She kissed his hand again and put it against her cheek, sending him a sweet smile as she looked at him.
“Doc. I have to tell you something, please just let me say this. Remember when Orpheus kidnapped you? You wrote me a letter. That day, I had a dream. You told me to move on, to be happy again. I begged you not to go, but you said you had to. I begged you. I want to tell you that now. I want you to be happy. Don’t let your life waste away because I’m not sleeping next to you or because you can’t see me. I’ll always be here. You stole my heart, lady, and you have it, always. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, I will be right beside you every second. I’m not entirely sure how heaven works, but I won’t even get up to go to the bathroom without being with you.”
“This isen’t funny, you’re not going anywhere.”
“Doc, I saw DJ. When the car hit me, and I was on the ground, I saw DJ.” He smiled through the tears.
“No.” Her voice was choked and it came out more as a cry than a sound.
“He’s so beautiful, Doc, just like you. He has your eyes and your smile, and held out his hand and told me that it was time for me to go.”
“I don’t care, you can’t leave me now. Don’t you dare leave me!” She pleaded with him, her face stained with tears.
“I love you, Marlena. I have from the second I saw you. You were the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. Thank you for giving me my life, my children, my family. And I’ll see you again. And if you ever need me before then, just look into your heart, I’m right there.”
“Look the doctors say that you’re a little woozy, that’s all it is.” She shook her head slowly.
“The doctors say I’m dying, Doc.”
“So prove them wrong.” A small feeling of hope filled her heart and she leaned closer to him. “We’ve done it before. We can do anything.”
“Not this time. Please, just look at me. I want you to remember that for every moment of his life, you made one man happier than you could imagine. Thank you.” Marlena put his cheek next to his and whispered softly.
“You will always be my one true love.” She kissed him gently one last time before she laid her head on his chest, listening to his heart beating as she held his hand.
———————
Abe entered quietly, Bo and Hope following behind him. They found Marlena, eyes closed, leaning down over John’s body.
“Marlena.”
“I can’t hear his heart beating.” She didn’t move, just lay there, listening for a part of herself she couldn’t find.
______________
She didn’t remember how she’d gotten home, or how she’d unlocked the door. She’d insisted on being alone, but she’d seen Bo outside the house in his car, watching as she walked inside. She was thankful.
She locked her door, put her purse and jacket down and walked straight towards the end of the hallway. Her sanctuary.
The corners in my bedroom
Empty in the night
I wake up waiting for you to come home
I still believe in what we had
More than just a dream
You know, the moon is shining perfectly,
But my heart is crumbling
Her beautiful, intimate bedroom looked so big now, so cold. She walked past the bed, touching the covers as she passed it. Reaching for a picture on the nightstand, she glanced at the photograph of herself with John. Smiling. Happy. She held the picture in her arms as she noticed a wrapped gift on the bed. Tearing it open, she saw the card. She’d forgotten her birthday was just a few days away. Inside lay a golden frame, a picture of the two of them together at a formal event fastened inside. It was taken from a distance. Even in the crowded room, John’s eyes focused on her and hers on his.
Can I hold on tight
To the memory of you and I
Can I hold on to you tonight
And say goodbye?
The whisper of the wind made her turn towards the window. Her heart told her to follow and she did. Mustered up all the energy she could and ran as fast as her feet could take her. She tore the door open, almost knocked down Bo as she ran around to the back of the house as the wind calmed and she came to a stop. A single yellow rose lay on the ground before her.
“No!”
Bo heard the chilling scream and hurried in the direction he’d seen her take off to. Finding Marlena on the ground on her knees, he gently sat before her as she crumbled.
Staring out my window
Following your ghost
Like the times I turn around and you’re gone
I still believe in what we wanted
Much more than you think
You know, the stars are all lit up tonight,
But my heart is crumbling
Bo gently carried Marlena to the room she’d shared with John. She sunk to the floor by the end of her bed as he brought a blanket to wrap around her shivering form.
“He’s gone, Bo. John’s gone.” She looked at him, her eyes filled with tears and a search for meaning.
“I know.” And for the first time, Bo let himself cry as he wrapped his arm around Marlena.
Can I hold on tight
To the memory of you and I
Can I hold on to you tonight
And say goodbye?
“I want him back. I want John back.” Marlena cried, asking for her happy ending, knowing it would never come.
The Jarlena Journal 