I’ve Loved You Before – By Ms. Goldie

Chapter 1 – Ashes

October 1992

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

What’s left to say? These prayers ain’t workin’ anymore

Every word, shot down in flames

What’s left to do with these broken pieces on the floor?

I’m losin’ my voice callin’ on you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

With a heavy sigh, Roman slammed the case file closed, and stood up. Bowing his back, he heard several loud cracks, as he stood up from his chair. Thunder cracked outside, and lightning flashed, indicative of his current mood. Glancing up, he saw Taylor McCall standing in the doorway watching him. He’d been avoiding her all day, feeling a draw to her that felt like he was being unfaithful to Marlena. He spent so much time at work, that he and Taylor had grown close. Possibly, too close. He needed to pull back from that. He needed to focus on his marriage to Marlena. 

Ten months. It had been ten months since they’d returned from Mexico. He was still adjusting. Marlena was still adjusting, and as much as it troubled him, the kids were still adjusting. He fought with Carrie almost daily. The twins still refused to call him dad. In fact, they didn’t call him anything at all. They started sentences with, um, I was wondering and excuse me, could we. But they didn’t call him anything. His frustration grew daily. He felt like Marlena wasn’t supporting him. Instead of helping him in his arguments with Carrie, she empathized with her, reminding him that he didn’t raise her. Like it was his fault. He was back now. Everything should have fallen into place, but it hadn’t. When Marlena mentioned his time away, and John’s role in their family, his ire and his rage at John Black was at the forefront of his mind yet again. 

The marvelous John Black. Fabulous, kind, generous, and loving John Black. Perfect father and husband, until Roman Brady came home. Finding out that his wife had taken another man into their bed, believing it was him, was a hard thing to come home to. She’d lain with John, she’d allowed him to make love to her, and the whole time she’d called out his name… Roman. Dealing with it had initially seemed as if it would be easy. It was anything but easy. After Mexico, Roman came home with his wife, to his house, his children, and his job. He was smug. He knew he was. He’d won the battle, and yet he found himself wondering sometimes if he hadn’t actually lost. 

In his absence, Marlena had become a woman he barely recognized. The woman he’d left behind had deferred to him in all decisions. She’d laughed at his bossy, brash nature, and she’d allowed him to lead their marriage without complaint. Even when she’d disagreed with him, she’d still gone with whatever he’d decided. This new version of her confused him. She made demands. She was independent. She didn’t back down, and she was endlessly frustrating. He still found her sexy as hell, but more often than not he found her argumentative. So he worked. He worked a lot. It was easier than facing the problems in their marriage.

His job was demanding. It always had been. She’d married him knowing that there would be late nights, missed dinners, and sometimes he might make promises that he wouldn’t be able to follow through with. She had been happy and content with that life. Until John. With John she found a version of Roman that balanced detective work and family life like he’d been doing it his whole life. She expected that now. She expected Roman to be her version of John. Roman felt like he hadn’t changed, but Marlena’s expectations had. She had changed. He wanted the soft woman back. The one who depended on him and needed him. The one who might disagree with him, but went along with what he wanted because she loved him. He wanted that woman back.

“Roman?” Taylor asked for the second time, watching him curiously.

“Yeah, McCall,” he replied distractedly. 

“Glad to see you’re in such a good mood today,” she replied, moving into the office, and closing the door behind her. 

Almost growling in frustration he grabbed another file from his desk, “Sorry, McCall. I didn’t see you there.”

“Oh,” she said sarcastically. “I was beginning to think you didn’t like me.”

“No,” he lied easily. “It doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s me. I’m not liking myself. I can’t get a break on this case.” He slammed the file onto his desk in anger, refusing to make eye contact with the brown eyed blonde. Eye contact with Taylor McCall did odd things to his body.

Reaching for a nearby chair, she pulled it close, and sat down. “The Randy Houston murder?”

Another sigh, “That’s the one.”

“You know, this case has really been working your nerves,” she said softly. He still wouldn’t look at her, but she didn’t mind. It gave her a chance to allow her eyes to gaze over his muscles, wrapped up in a beige shirt. He looked good enough to lick, but she’d never say that aloud. At least not yet. Watching him carefully, she asked him, “How come it means that much to you?”

Roman was quiet for a moment. It felt good to have someone ask him a question like that. It made him feel like someone wanted to know him, and he hadn’t felt that in a long while. “It means so much to me, because this is the first case I’ve been able to sink my teeth into since I’ve gotten back in action, and I want to solve it.”

Taylor wasn’t one to sugarcoat anything, so she smirked, “Maybe a little male ego thing?”

Finally looking at her he replied, “Or maybe it’s just that I need to prove something to myself.” And there was more truth to that than he would like to admit. John, as Roman Brady, had solved more cases than most of the people working there combined. He was also the sharpshooter on record, and had numerous awards and acknowledgements. Roman knew he had something to prove. To himself, and everyone else in Salem. They were all watching.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll come up with something soon.” Taylor felt the conversation drawing to a close, and she could find no reason to stay, as much as she wanted to. 

“Oh, well, is that your, uh, female intuition talking there?” Roman asked her with a smirk. He wanted her to stay a little longer. He wanted the feminine attention.

“Yeah, well, that and the fact that we’ve got a $5000 reward out for information,” she said with a laugh. “Someone else, besides this hotel owner, has got to know something about this Lacey.” She nodded towards Roman’s computer, “Did anything come up when you ran her name?”

“No,” he sighed. “We didn’t even come up with an alias. It’s like this Lacey James doesn’t even exist.”

Taylor continued to watch Roman, “But we know she does.”

“Yeah, I just don’t know where in the hell she is.”

“I don’t know,” Taylor said. “Maybe she left town. I wish there was something I could think of to help you.”

“Thanks, but, uh…” Roman paused for a moment, pencil in his hand. “Hmmm…”

With a mischievous grin she asked him, “What are you thinking?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

‘Cause I’ve been shakin’, I’ve been bendin’ backwards till I’m broke

Watchin’ all these dreams go up in smoke

Let beauty come out of ashes

Let beauty come out of ashes

And when I pray to G-d, all I ask is

Can beauty come out of ashes?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He stared at her for a long moment before he spoke. “Maybe there is something,” he told her, showing the first signs of animation that she’d seen during their whole conversation. “I may have an idea here that will help us solve this case… you and I need to reenact the night of the murder.” 

Taylor felt a thrill run through her. “Sure… anything for the cause.”

“Good!” Roman was excited. This might work, running through what happened, and going over the clues would be a huge help. “It’s a long shot, but it just might lead us to our mysterious Lacey James.”

Pushing her chair out of the way, Taylor looked at Roman. “What do we start with first?”

Roman smiled, feeling the first burst of enthusiasm he’d had all day, “A little role playing. You’ll play Lacey. I’ll play Houston. Now, act like I’m coming on to you.”

Taylor looked down quickly, not wanting Roman to see in her eyes, what she might really be thinking. She wanted him to come on to her. Even knowing it was just for work, and there was nothing to it, had her heart racing. He stepped closer, and she felt her breath catch.

“Alright?” he asked her. “Are you up for that?”
“Uh, yeah,” she said awkwardly. “Maybe we should play the tape that we found in Lacey’s room… it… might have affected her in some way.”

Roman, oblivious to Taylor’s discomfort, mumbled, “Okay, whatever you think. Let’s try it.” He watched her make her way to the tape player, and lean over it getting it set up. He found himself admiring the way the navy blue polyester uniform pants hugged her curves. He almost laughed, finding her backside attractive the way it was tucked into those pants. The police uniform had to be one of the most unattractive outfits, and yet he couldn’t take his eyes away. He stood behind her, and waited.

Taylor’s hand shook. She could feel him watching her, and it felt different. She was used to getting what she wanted from men. Most of the time it was a quickie after a night out drinking, but Roman was different. He respected her. He wanted her advice, her counsel. He saw her as a professional equal, and that left her feeling worthy. Of what, she didn’t know. What she did know was that she liked the warm feeling that came with it. 

Hitting play, the music started playing, and she turned to face him. Tripping over her words, she said, “So, I guess… since the wound was in the heart… they were–they were facing each other.”

Roman stepped a little closer, “Yeah. Yeah, forensics was right about her height and her weight and the fact that she was right handed… the angle would have meant that she was standing about right here.” Reaching out, his hands grasped Taylor’s hips, pulling her closer. He paused for a moment, refusing to allow himself to think about how warm she felt under his palms. 

Taylor wanted to melt underneath him, and he barely noticed. At least he made a good show of not being affected. She nodded awkwardly, as Roman continued, “Now they don’t think there was much of a struggle because they didn’t find any cuts, bruises, or scratches on Houston’s body.” Roman gripped her shoulders, “So, I’m thinking he was coming at her, she was backing up…” He pushed her back lightly, saying, “Maybe she hit a tree or something and then stopped.”

Taylor stared up at him with wide eyes, lost in the moment. 

“So, he comes at her, and grabs her, pulls her up to him.” Roman’s hands were back on her arms, jerking her body forward so that she was flush against him, and she couldn’t hide what she wanted anymore. His strong hands on her, in any fashion, was what she wanted. 

Roman stared down into Taylor’s eyes, and he recognized lust for what it was. A blur of arousal shot through him, but he continued anyway. He couldn’t let her know that she was affecting him. Taking a shaky breath, he said, “No… no, that doesn’t work. Because how does she get the knife…”

Taylor’s breath was coming in short gasps, and it wafted over Roman’s face. He looked down at her, realizing that she was staring at his mouth. She was attractive. If he wasn’t married he wouldn’t hesitate to cross that line. Before Marlena, he’d had no problem getting a woman into his bed. 

“Maybe she distracted him,” she whispered, glancing up at him with wide brown eyes. “Maybe, she kissed him.”

Another surge of arousal straight to his cock, and he almost released her as if she were fire, but he didn’t. Instead he found himself staring at her, but saying nothing, as if he was waiting for her next words. Softly she said, “Maybe he had the knife in his back pocket, and she reached around and grabbed it… then she kissed him.”

In a rough voice, Roman said, “Taylor… I think maybe–”

She leaned forward, bringing her lips to his with a soft sigh, and he was momentarily shocked. He didn’t move, unsure of how to respond. He hadn’t kissed another woman since 1984, and the sensation was a mixture of anticipation and guilt. Talor licked over his bottom lip, and murmurmered, “Something like that… and, um, then she stabbed him.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Can you use these tears to put out the fires of my soul?

‘Cause I need you here

‘Cause I’ve been shakin’, I’ve been bendin’ backwards till I’m broke

Watchin all these dreams go up in smoke

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The soft strains of the violin carried on the chilled air, lifting the hairs on John’s arm as he danced his final dance with his wife. Her whispered words, Dance with me. They would haunt his dreams for months to come. Rocking her slowly, he inhaled the scent of her, a warm vanilla that would be forever associated with unconditional love. One last dance. He could feel the heat of her hand where it rested on his chest. He had to say goodbye. Maybe that’s what he’d been doing slowly every day since her cancer diagnosis – coming to terms with losing her, and saying goodbye piece by piece everyday. She couldn’t fight it forever, as much as he wished she could. The scent of Sicilian Jasmine wafted by, and John closed his eyes in grief. He kissed the top of her head, soft brown curls that felt like satin against his lips. A gentle sigh shook her chest, an exhalation of air, and then – he was suddenly surrounded by silence, and her small hand slid down his chest. She was gone. In a single, barely audible sigh, she was gone. John shuddered with a sob, still rocking her in the cool night air. Isabella was gone, and he wasn’t sure what he would do without her.

In silence he carried her back into their bedroom, gently laying her body on the bed. He adjusted her pillow, and made sure that her robe covered her legs in case she was cold. He knew it was foolish. She was gone. But he couldn’t help it. He knelt beside the bed, brushing his fingers softly across her forehead, as he whispered, “I’m going to miss you, Izzy-B. I’m going to miss your smile in the mornings, and your unkempt hair. I’m going to miss your soft snores, even though you would argue that you don’t snore…” He paused for a brief moment recalling Marlena, and then he said, “You know, Doc used to snore softly, and she–she denied it too. I’m going to miss you waiting up for me on late nights, but most of all, I’m going to miss your friendship. You’re my best friend… and fuck… fuck, I’m going to miss you so much, Izzy-B. So fucking much.”

A sob broke free of his chest, and he heard a soft rap on the door. The hinges groaned as it opened quietly, and without even turning around, he knew it was Brady’s nanny, Hailey. Softly he whispered, “She’s gone… you can call the doctor.”

Hailey stared at the man she was already half in love with, and replied, “I’ll call him now.” She left the room just as quietly as she’d entered, her heart aching for the silent man with the heartbreaking blue eyes.

John continued to hold his wife’s hand, softly stroking over her skin. “I’ll tell our son about you. He’ll be raised knowing you loved him, and that you will always love him.”

Standing up slowly, he made his way to the telephone. He would make one call, it was already prearranged. They would take care of contacting everyone else. Dialing the number, he felt hot tears streaming from his eyes. A voice on the end of the line said, “Brady Pub.”

“Pop?” John said in a choked voice. “Pop, it’s John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Let beauty come out of ashes

Let beauty come out of ashes

And when I pray to G-d, all I ask is

Can beauty come out of ashes?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The noise in Wing’s was bustling around the table as Marlena attempted to carry on a conversation with Kim and Phillip. It was important to get Kim out. She had been withdrawing more and more. Her family had noticed, and finally, in an act of desperation, Phillip had asked for help. Marlena wasn’t happy that she’d been pulled into helping without Kim’s knowledge. Kimberly Brady was a proud woman, and she wouldn’t take it well when she found out her family had been whispering about her in dark corners of the pub. Kim didn’t want pity. Marlena knew that, but she had agreed to have dinner with Phillip and speak with Kim. If only to try and get a read on her current mood.

Roman, as usual, was distracted. He was only half listening to the conversation and had barely remarked on seeing her. She’d worn a new dress, and even though she wasn’t very fond of it, she put on the perfume that Roman had gotten her for her birthday. Still he’d barely spared her a glance since his arrival. 

Trying to push her sadness aside, Marlena asked Philip, “Roman says you’re doing a movie about the Randy Houston murder?”

Phillip glanced at Roman, slightly irritated that his soon to be brother-in-law had mentioned it at all. “Yeah… that’s right, but it’s still in the planning stages. You know, just the beginning stages.” 

As Philip spoke, Marlena studied Kim as she twisted a strand of pearls at her neck, and looked decidedly uncomfortable. 

The maître d’ approached, saying softly, “Excuse me, Captain Brady? There’s a phone call for you at the bar.”

“Oh, thank you, Dave,” Roman said, standing up quickly. 

Marlena watched her husband walk away without another word. Pushing sadness and neglect aside when it came to Roman had almost become second nature. Pasting a smile on her face she said to Kim, “How are you feeling?”

Kim was quiet for a moment, thinking about how she wanted to answer, and she finally said, “I’m fine… much better actually.”

“You know,” Marlena replied, reaching for Kim’s hand. “If you ever feel anxious you can call me. I always have time for you.”

“I know. I know, and I appreciate that.” The turn of the conversation was making her decidedly uncomfortable. Trying to change the subject, Kim asked excitedly, “I was going to ask you about that arts council benefit. How’s that shaping up?”

Marlena recognized Kim’s attempt to change the subject. Pausing for a moment, she finally said, “Well, it’s, uh, it’s fine. You could get a better answer from Maggie, I guess, than you can from me.” Kim’s smile widened, and Marlena watched her intently. Something was off. Kim was acting oddly. Almost as if it were Kim trying to act like Kim. How odd. Marlena said softly, “You know, she and Julie are working around the clock on it.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kim said lightly.

Marlena tipped her head, catching Kim’s eye, and she said, “I guess you know this, but the proceeds are going to Salem’s drug rehab clinic.”

Kim, even more enthusiastic, said to Philip, “Oh, honey! Marlena has done wonders in that department. I–I understand that one of your patients is going to be a star artist that night.” Her eyebrows go up like she knows something she shouldn’t, and she says, “Roger Lombard, right?”

“Wait,” Phillip cut in. “Lombard? Isn’t that the man that hit you with the car?”

Kim laughed, “It’s ironic, but Marlena has done wonders with him too.”

Kim was discussing Roger Lombard as if he were an untrained puppy Marlena had to take in hand. It was completely out of character for her. 

“And if anybody knows that people can change,” Kim continued loudly, “I certainly do.”

Phillip laughed nervously, and Marlena glanced over. Something was going on between the two of them. A nervous energy flowed back and forth, and Marlena found it confusing. After all, Phillip had requested this dinner. 

“You know, if I pitched this idea for a movie, no one would believe it! The truth is stranger than fiction,” Phillip chuckled.

Marlena glanced up, watching Roman approach the table. He glanced at her with sad eyes, as he sat down. Marlena asked, softly, “Roman? What’s the matter? What’s happened?” As soon as Roman replied, That was Pop on the phone, she knew. Isabella was gone. 

The rest of Roman’s words sounded far away, and muffled. “He just got a call from John in Italy. Isabella’s gone.”

Pain lanced her chest. John’s pain. She felt it so deeply it was as if she were suffering a similar loss of the same magnitude, but that made no sense. Isabella meant the world to John. “Oh… oh, poor John.”

Roman watched his wife. He felt sadness over Isabella’s death. She was kind. His family adored her, but in truth Isabella served a purpose for Roman. She kept John distracted. And having John distracted meant he wasn’t spending time with Marlena, and he wasn’t meddling in his children’s lives. 

Marlena barely looked up when Kimberly and Phillip excused themselves for the night.

Roman reached across the table, picking up Marlena’s hand, “Doc?”

Distractedly she looked up, “Who was it that said dying is the hardest on the living?”

“I don’t know, but whoever it was, they were right.”

Marlena felt the sting of tears in her eyes. John was hurting, and knowing that was hurting her. He was halfway across the world with his son, while coping with Isabella’s death, and Marlena felt such loneliness for him. Looking at Roman she said, “I wish he were closer. I mean, losing somebody you love leaves you with so much… emptiness, but doing it all alone… I can’t imagine the pain he is feeling right now.”

Roman watched his wife cry over another man, and remembered Taylor kissing him earlier that evening. His life was so fucking complicated, and all he’d wanted was a quiet life. A life that involved work and family. Instead he’d gotten a complicated mesh of dysfunction. Watching the tears fall from his wife’s eyes, he said, “We’ve been there Doc.”

Marlena wiped at the tears on her cheek, “Yes, we have.”

“And, John’s been there before, too,” Roman told her, hating to even bring it up. She glanced up, looking at him with her hazel eyes, as Roman said, “When he thought he lost you.”

Marlena closed her eyes in pain thinking that John had believed he’d lost her twice, and then once they found each other, he lost her again. Opening her eyes, she said, “He loved Isabella so much. He adored her… they have a son…” She felt a sob rising in her throat. “Roman, I want to go home.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Can beauty come out of ashes?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Ashes – Céline Dion

Chapter 2 – Let It Be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John felt guilt surge up inside him as Brady’s cries echoed down the stairs. He should go to him, hold his son in his arms and comfort him. He couldn’t. Not yet. Holding Brady, having his son stare up at him with deep brown eyes full of confusion, was too painful. He knew he was going to have to talk to someone about this crushing grief. He’d replayed Marlena’s messages several times during the night, and early in the morning. They were full of empathy, and compassion. They scared him. If there was anyone he could be emotionally vulnerable with it was Marlena. Those messages were like a tether, pulling him towards the other side of town. Her voice was a call to the deepest parts of his soul.

He turned to see Haley coming down the curved metal staircase with Brady in her arms. Her eyes locked with John’s, “Do you want to hold him?”

Staring at his son, his chest constricted. Brady looked so much like his mother. His chestnut curls, with fawn and umber eyes. Brady turned quickly towards the sound of his father’s voice, “Yeah, sure.”

Passing Brady to John, Haley studied him for a moment. He hadn’t been sleeping well. She’d heard him shuffling around during the night, and she knew he’d gone downstairs early in the morning. She wanted to comfort him, maybe reach out and let him know that she was there for him, but he kept a distance from her. It was strictly professional. 

As John reached for his son, he glanced down to see Haley staring up at him with wide blue eyes. She was small, barely five feet tall by his estimate, and even though she was in her late twenties, she looked like a child. Her dark russet hair shone copper in the sunlight, and her round cheeks were dotted with freckles. She seemed surprised that they were so close, and she stepped back, stuttering, “I-I’m going to make Br-Brady’s bottle.”

With a smirk, John turned away from her, and settled himself on the couch, saying, “Thank you.”

Brady stared at him, and John wondered how Isabella’s death was affecting him. It must be hard to have his mother one day, and the next she was gone. At barely five months old, there was no way to explain death to him. John wondered if Brady dreamt of Isabella the way he did? Did Brady dream of her soft smiles, and the lilt in her voice when she said his name? Did he remember her gentle voice as she rocked him to sleep? Did he wake up feeling sad and alone, the same way he did?

John’s chest constricted even tighter, and as Haley approached with the bottle prepared to hand it to him, he stood up quickly. “I forgot,” he told her. “I have somewhere I need to be. I’ll be home later.”

She seemed confused, “Oh, um, ok.” She carefully took Brady into her arms, and watched John flee the room with sadness.

Taking the stairs two at a time, he was gasping for air when he reached his bedroom. He had to see Marlena, because if he needed anything right then, it was her friendship. She would be the only person he could talk to, because the mask he was wearing for everyone else was breaking down.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pushing the curtains to the side on the French doors, Marlena saw John’s Jeep pull into the driveway. Relief coursed through her. She’d been preoccupied with seeing him ever since Caroline had told her that he had returned to Salem. John had barely knocked when she pulled the front door open. Cool fall air rushed in, and John stared at her with eyes that reflected his significant grief. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. No sound at all. She reached for him, already feeling the burn of tears in her eyes, and pulled him inside the house, closing the door softly behind him. 

“Come on,” she said softly. “Come on.” John had his arms crossed in front of his chest tightly, which she recognized as a way to calm himself, and that made her hurt for him even more. He was struggling, that much was obvious. Coming up behind him, she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, whispering, “I’m glad you came home.”

Home. He almost choked on his emotion. John closed his eyes for a brief moment, realizing how starved for touch he was. Marlena pulled away, and started walking towards the dining room table. Reaching for the teapot she’d just brought out, she said softly, “Remind me, it’s black with two lumps?”

“Yep.” He unbuttoned his coat, shrugging it from his shoulders and looked around. It was like being home again, but at the same time the house was completely foreign to him. Marlena’s voice pulled his eyes back to her.

“I know what you’re going through, and I know what you’re feeling,” she told him as she poured the tea. 

“I’m feeling nothing, Doc. I just feel numb,” he said quietly. And it was true, in that moment he felt numb, but that morning and all through the night, he’d felt pain unlike anything he’d ever experienced in his life.

Marlena stopped stirring the tea for a moment, and stared at the walnut wood of the table in front of her. She knew what he meant. She felt what he meant. Afterall, she’d felt it all before, when D.J. died… and when Samantha was murdered. Clearing her throat, she tried to school her features before she turned around saying, “I’m glad we can talk about this.” The tea cup rattled on the plate with the shake in her hand, as she told him, “You and me. Come on.”

Following her, John stared into his cup of tea. She was a light when he felt he was drowning in darkness. Marlena was the friend he needed, and the person he could be vulnerable with. He wasn’t even sure if he’d ever fully opened up to Isabella. He’d loved Isabella, but the deep, dark, brooding thoughts he had sometimes, he kept those to himself. He’d only ever shared them with Marlena. With a heavy sigh, he sat beside her, “I managed to get through the funeral. I knew Isabella would be proud of me, being strong like that. Well, not tough really, I was sleepwalking … I was there, but I wasn’t there, you know what I mean?”

Marlena nodded, feeling an ache in her bones as she soaked up his pain, “I do know what you mean.”

He lifted his eyes from the floor, and caught her amber gaze, “I didn’t even have to do anything. The doctor took care of all of the arrangements.” Looking down again, he felt for the third time that day a tightness in his chest that made breathing difficult. “I buried her next to her mother,” he told her, remembering the location exactly. “This beautiful little hill overlooking naples–she was born there, did you know that? It seemed appropriate.”

Marlena smiled at him, wanting him to keep talking, wanting him to say as much as he needed to say in order to work through his grief. Under his eyes there were dark patches, and as much as he tried to hide it, she could tell he’d been crying. He kept trying to smile, but it never seemed to reach his eyes, because his eyes were holding a wealth of sadness.

She reached for his arm, cupping her palm around it for comfort, “I wish that I had been there.” She wished she had been able to help him though it, and comfort Brady. She wished that he hadn’t been alone, because she knew what it felt like to be alone with your grief. She’d felt that way when D.J. had died, and Don had blamed her. Being alone with your grief was excruciating. “It might have helped you to have a friend along.”

He stared at her thinking that she was one of the most amazing people he’d ever known. There weren’t a lot of individuals in the world who radiated kindness, but Marlena did. She meant every word she said, and her eyes shone with love. Sighing, he said, “I don’t know if it would have helped, because a piece of me died right along with her, and now I’m just going through the motions.”

She felt the truth in that. The ache that came with wondering if the pain of someone’s death could kill a part of your own soul. Squeezing his arm, she said softly, “I’m not surprised.”

They sat in companionable silence for a few moments, staring at each other, and then John whispered, “Is it always going to be like this? Is this… cloud that I’m under ever going to rise so I can feel alive again?”

“You will feel alive again. I can promise you, from experience, you’ll survive this.” She reached for John’s hand, twining their fingers together, hoping that he could draw some strength from her. 

He wasn’t sure that he would ever feel alive again. Releasing her hand, he stood up, “Yeah.” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tears pricked and tugged at her eyes as she tried to remain strong for him, but his pain was almost hers at that point. She’d been that way her whole life, having the ability to read a room, or feel other people’s emotions. It was a gift in terms of her profession, but in her personal life it could be quite difficult. She’d never had a great love for Isabella. Their relationship had been rocky from the start, but she wouldn’t wish the pain John was feeling even on her worst enemy. 

Marlena took a deep breath, standing up. John stood near the French doors, looking out over the front yard. She watched as he placed his tea cup on the table beside him with a shaky hand. Coming closer she ran her palm down his back in comfort, and she said, “I went through the same thing when D.J. died, and when I lost D.J., I thought that my life was over.”

John turned to face her, remembering their whispered conversations in the dark when they were married. He recalled Marlena’s tears and sadness over the death of her child years earlier, and knew she understood better than anyone else how he was feeling. Taking her hand in his, he laced their fingers back together, as she continued speaking, “I thought that I couldn’t live with the pain. I thought that I couldn’t survive the pain… but somehow I did, somehow I found a way to get through it… and that’s what you have to do. You have to surrender to it. You have to… go through it.” He felt the tears slip from his eyes, as Marlena whispered, “You have to lose control.”

Unable to continue staring into her soft amber eyes, he turned again, bumping the table as the teacup clattered loudly on its plate. With a heavy sigh, John rolled his shoulders, and allowed his eyes to close and his head to hang back. Almost immediately he felt the warmth of Marlena’s chest against his arm, and her whispered words, “You listen to me.” His eyes opened, as the tears flowed freely down his face, but he couldn’t look at her right then. Still her words came, “If you don’t do that, it will consume you.”

He wiped his face roughly, and stared down at her, “Doc… I don’t think I can. At least not right now.”

“When you’re ready to talk about Isabella, I will be here.” Her palm lifted to his chest, as she said softly, “Listening, and caring.”

He choked out, “I loved her, Doc.”

“I know you did,” she whispered. “I know.”

“I want her back. I want her back so bad,” he sobbed. 

“I know,” she said, feeling tears slide down her cheeks. A soft sob escaped her, as she reached for him, “I know–” Her arms slipped up, and around her shoulders, pulling him close to her, and she cried for him. “I’m so sorry, John. I’m so sorry.”

John held onto her like a lifeline, burying his face in her hair as he cried out his grief. Closing his eyes, he breathed her in, and felt calmness wash over him. Her scent was so familiar it always brought peace, and comfort to him. They stood like that for seconds, minutes… John wasn’t sure. All he could be sure of was for the first time in over two weeks, he felt as if he could breath without the wrenching pain in his lungs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And when the brokenhearted people

Living in the world agree

There will be an answer

Let it be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That’s how Roman found them as he pushed open the door to his home, “Doc, I’m–”. He stared at his wife with her arms around John Black’s neck, and her body pressed against his. John with his arms holding Marlena tightly, while his face was buried in her honey blonde hair. Roman didn’t feel empathy or sadness for John’s loss. He felt jealousy, and anger. He felt rage. He felt like, what was his, was wrapped up in another man’s arms, and he didn’t care what the reason was. John’s fingers were laced in her hair, and his eyes were closed. Roman could imagine that John was breathing in the sweet scent of her perfume, and remembering old times, but Roman didn’t even stop to consider John’s pain or his loss.

Marlena pulled away from John enough to see Roman standing at the door, but she didn’t move away from him completely. She couldn’t. She felt like letting him go right then would be so hurtful, and there was nothing to be ashamed of. She was comforting a friend, but she wasn’t a fool. She could see the jealousy in Roman’s eyes. Glancing up, she could still see the pain etched on John’s face, even though he was trying to cover it up now that Roman was there. Glancing back at Roman as he continued to stare at them.

John released her, removing his hands from her waist, and Marlena turned to walk towards Roman.

“Oh, sweetie,” she said softly, wiping at her tears. “You’re home.”

Roman replied, “Yeah.” He glanced at John, and pushing his frustration and annoyance aside he said, “Hey, John, uh, welcome home, um, well, you know I’m sorry to hear about Isabella. How are you holding up?”

Marlena watched the change come over John. No longer feeling safe with his emotions, he pasted a false smile on his face saying, “Fine, Roman. I’m doing just fine.” But she knew he wasn’t, and it broke her heart to watch him pretend he was. 

John started walking towards the back of the couch. Lifting his coat, he shrugged into it, “In fact, I appreciate your concern. I really do, but, uh, seriously, you two don’t have to worry about me.”

Marlena followed him, “That’s what friends are for.” He was running. She could feel it. He wouldn’t even look at her, and she’d felt as if they’d just had a breakthrough. It was all gone, and the wall John used to protect his emotions was firmly back in place. 

She watched Roman, either ignorant or inconsiderate, say, “Right, John. So, if there’s anything we can do–”

“–I know,” John replied abruptly. He glanced at Marlena, and knew she was reading him like a book. He barely had the energy to stand there, let alone make small talk, but he asked anyway, “So, how are things going with you, Roman?”

With a self important sigh, Roman said, “Oh, I’m still plugging away. It’s good.”

Pleasantries over with, John almost sighed with relief. “Well, look, I’ve got to get running. I’ll see you all later. I’ve got a board meeting.” As he approached the front door, he tossed over his shoulder, “You know what, why don’t we get together for dinner some night? My treat? Just, um, just call me when you’re free.” He walked out the door, closing it behind him, grateful to be away from Roman, and out of the house that no longer felt like home.

Marlena stared at the door, more worried for John than she had been before his arrival. Helping him get through the grief process was going to be more difficult than she’d thought. 

“Well,” Roman said, taking off his jacket with a careless shrug. “He seems to be doing pretty well.”

Marlena stared at her husband in surprise, unsure if he was ignorant or being willfully obtuse. “No, he’s not.”

“Well, I mean, come on Doc, you can’t expect him to exactly be in a party mood,” he replied, frustrated at Marlena’s quick response.

“I don’t,” she told him. 

“Well, then don’t worry about him.” Roman wanted to forget that John was ever there. In truth he wanted to forget that John was ever in his family’s life at all.

Marlena was quiet for a moment, and then she said softly, “I am. He is suppressing his anger. He can’t get it out.” 

“What’s wrong with keeping it inside, Doc? Maybe that’s where he wants it?” Roman wasn’t even sure why Marlena was involving herself in John’s problems anyway. He was no longer in her life, so she didn’t have to overly concern herself with him.

“If he doesn’t go through the grief, Roman, he won’t get past this place in his life! I have got to help him do that,” she said firmly. 

Roman recognized immediately when his wife was digging in her heels. He knew that what he’d said was insensitive and unfeeling. He didn’t care either, but he knew when he was beaten, and the look on her face said exactly that. Trying to smooth things over, he sighed, “Well, I can’t think of anyone I know who is closer to John than you are, and if anyone can help him, my money is on you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

 There will be an answer

 Let it be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: Let It Be – Carol Woods & Timothy T. Mitchum (Across the Universe version)

Chapter 3 – One More Day

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn’t ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman entered his home already feeling guilty for his earlier encounter with Taylor McCall. They’d been working through lunch, but decided to check out the hotel room that had been used by the suspect, Lacey James, the night Randy Houston was murdered. It was still a crime scene, and Taylor had suggested that it would be perfect to set the stage for reenactments. There was a part of Roman that knew it was a bad idea, but there was another part that convinced him Taylor was right. What better way to move forward in the investigation than to submerge themselves in the location?

The problem was that Roman and Taylor had become so immersed in their reenactment, that he’d pushed her against a wall. His heart was pounding, and Taylor’s eyes had gone wide. Before either of them considered the repercussions, they were kissing like horney teenagers with no self control. He could still feel the sting in his lips, and a nauseous roll in his belly. He needed to figure out how to reconnect with Marlena, and making out with Taylor McCall wasn’t the way to do it.

Glancing over as he hung his keys on the hook, he saw Marlena look up. She was on the telephone, so he waved at her, walking through the living room to take the few items he’d gotten at the grocery store into the kitchen. A few moments later, when he exited, he heard Marlena say, “No, Caroline, John just left.”

Fuck. Why had John been there yet again? He didn’t say anything, but he was getting frustrated that John seemed to be in his life more often recently. If only Isabella hadn’t died.

Marlena didn’t miss the quick sneer that had flashed across Roman’s face before he schooled his features. Glancing away from her husband, she said to Caroline, “Well the truth is, I think he’s bearing up pretty well. I just don’t like to see him covering his pain quite as well as he is.”

Roman smirked. It had been a couple of weeks since Isabella’s death, and Roman had thought, if he allowed Marlena to get it out of her system – this desire she had to be his emotional comfort during his time of grief – they could get back to normal, but that didn’t seem to be the case. How long was that man going to mourn for? Roman went back into the kitchen, knocking the door against the wall in frustration.

Marlena sighed watching it swing back and forth heavily. Ignoring Roman’s juvenile tendencies, she said, “Yes, well, what I mean is he hasn’t begun dealing with Isabella’s death yet… well, the longer he postpones it, the more difficult it will be when he does have to face it. I mean, we all have to grieve.” 

Roman came out of the kitchen with the newspaper in his hand, and his eyes caught Marlena’s. She barely acknowledged him as he sat on the couch.

Roman’s childlike petulance was getting on her last nerve. Turning away from him, she said into the telephone, “I think that the answer is for all of us to be there for him, and let him know how much we love him and care about him… yes, well, I’m only sorry that I’ve got to make this trip to New York. I don’t want to be away from him so long.”

Shaking the newspaper roughly, Roman wanted to laugh. Poor John. Poor, sad, lonely, grieving, John Black. 

“Yeah, yeah, I realize that too,” Marlena said softly. She glanced over at Roman again, as he made himself comfortable on the couch. She was going to have to get off the telephone, and sooth Roman’s battered ego. “Well, Roman just walked in… no, it’s okay, but I’ll say hello for you. Okay… bye-bye.”

Roman started reading the paper, trying to act as if he could care less about Marlena’s conversation with his mother. He didn’t even look up, when Marlena hung up the phone, and said to him, “You mother says, hello son.”

If he was going to get his marriage back on track, he needed to support his wife, so he stood up, and said, “She must be as worried about John as you are.”

Trying to get her heels off of her aching feet, she said in a muffled voice, “We’re both concerned about him.” She picked up her datebook, “I’m going to try, and clear my schedule so that I can spend more time with him before I have to go to New York.”

Fucking hell. Roman sighed. This had to end. “Look, Doc, I know–I know that you want to help John. We all do, but, um…”

Marlena lifted her head from her date book, and turned to stare at Roman with a look of frustration. “But what?”

“Well, maybe John just needs a little time to himself to… learn to cope with Isabella’s death–”

“–John is in denial,” she said, raising her voice. Why was Roman so obtuse sometimes? “He’s not coping. He is avoiding.”

“Doc, we all deal with these things a little differently,” Roman continued. He knew he was upsetting her, and yet he couldn’t seem to back away from it. 

“Roman, I didn’t ask him to do this. He came to me,” she said.

“I’m not criticizing you. No, I–I agree with you. I think he does need support. I think we should all be there for him. I just don’t think you should be putting your entire life on hold while you’re trying to help John! I mean, you have other things that you have to deal with too.”

She stared at him, annoyance obvious in every part of her face, “They can all wait.” There was nothing more important to her at that point except John. He needed her, and she would be the friend she felt she needed to be. Roman’s jealousy would have to take a back seat. 

He stared at her for a few seconds, before he said, “You know, I just bet that John would not expect you to drop everything on his account.”

“It’s not about what John wants,” she told Roman fiercely. “It’s about what he needs, and I think I know what that is.” She glanced back down at the date book in her hand, and said, “Now, I will check my schedule and I will, uh, see what I can rearrange. I’ll start dinner in a while.”

Roman stood there almost in shock as his wife walked away, essentially dismissing him and ending the conversation. He was not a child, and yet he felt as if she’d just treated him as one. Sighing heavily, he mumbled, “Fine.”

Upstairs in her bedroom, Marlena stared at her datebook with tears in her eyes. John did need her, whether he was aware of it or not. He needed her, and if she couldn’t love him as a wife and a partner, she could love him as a friend, because that was all she was allowed to be.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishin’ still, for one more day with you.

One more day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John wasn’t happy when he arrived home and found Hailey reading the files he’d forgotten on the coffee table. He snatched them out of her hands roughly, “What the hell are you doing? These are Isabella’s papers!”

“Um… I’m sorry, I–I saw the file sitting here, and I–I wanted to read about Isabella,” she said quickly, overwhelmed by John’s quick anger. “I mean, I thought it would be good for me to know about her, and–and about her work.”

John didn’t fully understand why he was so angry. “Well, perhaps you should inquire first before you start rifling through our files!”

“Okay! I’m sorry! I–I won’t do it anymore,” she cried, her light blue eyes filling with tears. She pushed her auburn hair back over her shoulder. “It didn’t look like a private file to me. It–it looks more like a public relations file.”

He stared at the file in his hand, feeling his heart break as if Isabella had just died. When would this get better? He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them he knew he needed to apologize. “Yeah… I guess it is.” He walked away from her, feeling that familiar tightness that took his breath away. He slowed down his breathing. Behind him, Haley was quiet. She was sensitive, and he knew he reacted too strongly. He turned around, “I’m… it’s no big deal.” But still she didn’t say anything. She stood there awkwardly, wiping her tears away, and he felt like the biggest ass in the world. Stepping closer to her, he reached out, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away a stray tear, “I’m sorry.”

“I shouldn’t have read the file,” she whispered. His soft touch across her cheek had her trembling. She stared up at him, and she saw realization dawn in his eyes. There was no way to hide that she felt something more for him. 

He was so fucking lonely, and her eyes were wide and innocent, but they were also inviting him closer. “Hailey…” Her skin was soft, as his palm slid across her jaw. She leaned closer, closing her eyes briefly.

What the fuck was he doing? He pulled back abruptly, feeling so much guilt he thought he might vomit. He turned abruptly on his heel, and headed for the stairs. He didn’t look back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

First thing I’d do, is pray for time to crawl

I’d unplug the telephone

And keep the tv off

I’d hold you every second

Say a million I love you’s

That’s what I’d do, with one more day with you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

He’d been working all day. It’s all he could do to keep his mind away from memories of Isabella. Anytime he had a free moment, her beautiful face came to him. Those doe colored brown eyes, and her soft curls framing her jaw. So, he kept himself as busy as he could, until there was a knock on the door, and the real world came crashing back in. John wasn’t ready to slide open the loft door, and see Marlena standing there. She wouldn’t allow him to ignore his feelings, and he’d been avoiding her since the last time he’d been by her house. Having Roman interrupt a moment of intense emotion had upset him. It had left him feeling unstable, and he’d left the scene as quickly as he could, tossing some blasé invitation to dinner over his shoulder as he exited the house that had once been his.

He stared at her for a moment, finally saying, “Hey.”

Marlena saw that he was wearing his old Salem PD sweatshirt. He’d had it for years. She remembered nights on the couch cuddled up together with the soft gray cotton of that sweatshirt underneath her cheek. Forcing her mind in another direction she said softly, “I thought I’d stop by on my way to work and see how you were doing.” She stepped around him, walking into the loft.

John pushed the door closed behind her. “I’m fine. You know that little talk we had the other day really did the trick.”

“Yeah, well, that was a good start,” she said, glancing around the room. “It was a first step, but it was a good one–”

“Now everything is rolling real smooth,” he told her, tapping his notepad in his hand. “In fact, I have a new purpose and direction in my life.”

Marlena watched him carefully. He was refusing to make eye contact with her. He seemed tense, and slightly agitated. As he walked around her, she said, “Oh.”

“Uh-huh,” he repeated. He walked towards the desk on the other side of the room, and began absently shuffling through the papers in front of him.

Marlena stepped up behind him, “Business?”

“Yeah, yeah. I let a few things go by the wayside when… summer started, so now it’s, uh, catch up time,” he said, still refusing to look at her. 

Marlena caught the catch in his voice just before he said summer. He’d been thinking of Isabella, and he’d changed what he’d been about to say. He was covering up his pain again, that much was obvious. After watching his distracted behavior for another moment, Marlena asked him, “How’s Brady?”

One quick glance, and John said, “He’s fine.” Then he was immediately back onto his paperwork, saying, “I’m cutting this deal with this Canadian investment firm. You outta hear about it, it’s great.”

Not to be deterred, she asked him, “Does he miss Isabella? Sometimes babies can feel that kind of loss–”

“–they have a revolutionary desalination process that’s going to cut the cost for these companies by billions. Do you want to check it out? I’ve got all of the paperwork right here–”

Reaching over, Marlena lifted two small video tapes off of the table, saying, “–a tape for Brady and a tape for John…” She glanced up and saw the look of pain in John’s eyes. He couldn’t hide it any longer. He couldn’t bury his feelings in his work, not with her there. Softly, she asked him, “Isabella made these tapes before she died?”

He couldn’t swallow. He could barely breath as he looked at the one person he could show his true emotions to. She wouldn’t let him hide. But he needed to hide, or he might die from the pain.

“It must be very nice to see her anytime you want to,” she said in a gentle voice. 

John was immediately back inside his shell, saying casually, “Yeah, Haley found those tapes laying around. I haven’t had a chance to check them out yet with all of the phone calls, and paperwork and everything. You know how it gets.”

“Yes, I do,” she said. She stared at him with her intense gaze, stepping closer, “You’re in denial.”

“No, I’m not, Doc!” he said, barely sparing her a glance. The truth hurt too much. His wife was gone, and he had a son who was depending on him to hold it all together. He had to hold himself together.  “I told you–”

“–Isabella is gone!” Marlena said firmly. She stepped even closer, softening her tone, “And you are losing touch with yourself.” She reached for his hand, linking her fingers with his, refusing to allow him to lie to her.

He stared at her, frozen in agony. His body flinched when Marlena’s warm palm settled on his bare neck, as she whispered, “Don’t do this. Don’t let this happen…”

He couldn’t handle it. Her fingers laced through his, her warm hand on his neck. Turning away, Marlena’s palm slid down his chest, and she tightened her grip on his hand, refusing to let go. “Don’t,” she said.

Glancing back down at the papers on the desk, John tried to sound nonchalant, “Don’t what?”

“Don’t pull away,” she whispered, coming closer. “The other day, you began to open up. Don’t close up again!”

“I’m not, Doc. I’ve just got a lot of work to do, that’s all,” he told her. 

Marlena stood so close to him, she could smell his cologne. “Is that it?”

“Yes.” John snorted, “Come on… look at all of this paperwork. I’ve got it piled up here, I’ve got it piled over there…” 

He tried to walk by her, but she held him back, tugging on his hand. “John, you’re lying to yourself. You’re pretending to be fine, and you’re not!” She stepped closer, resting her palm on his chest. She could feel the beating of his heart, and she could see the fear in his eyes. He was afraid of tackling his grief head on. She stared up at him with her intense hazel eyes, “I know you! I know your heart. I know your soul… and I know how much you’re hurting right now–”

“–Doc, that’s where you’re wrong!” John finally looked at her. Every word out of his mouth was a lie. He knew it, and he knew that Marlena knew it. Still he said, “I knew for quite some time that Isabella was going to die, so I got all of my grieving out of the way back then.”

“You did?” she asked him. “What was all of that the other day?”

“The other day?” he asked, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes. He recalled the smell of Marlena’s perfume, and the comfort that came from being in her arms. A slight shake of his head, and he said, “That was the other day.”

“So you’re not feeling anything?”

A tear slipped from his eye, sliding down his cheek. “The truth is, I cannot afford to feel anything right now–”

“–honey,” Marlena said. “The longer you–” she stopped short, realizing the term of endearment that had slipped from her lips. She hadn’t meant to call him that. John stared at her, his eyes welling with tears, and Marlena couldn’t stop herself from reaching for him. “Darling… oh, darling…”

A sob broke free from his chest, as he wrapped his arms around her. He couldn’t help it. She was the one who had the ability to break through his defenses. She was the one who understood him like no other. Maybe even more than Isabella had, although he hadn’t ever admitted it aloud. There were too many emotions there to unpack. John buried his tear streaked face in her blonde tresses, and he held her close, crying, “Doc… oh, G-d, Doc…”

Marlena felt it when she finally got through to him. She felt it when he broke, and she held him in her arms until his sobs calmed and his breathing slowed down. She continued to hold him long after, holding him close and smoothing her hands along his spine gently. Finally, she pulled back, wiping his tears from his face with her small hands. “You can’t hold this inside. It will break you.” She went willingly when he pulled her body back against his. As long as he needed her, she would stand there in his arms.

On the stairs, halfway down, sat Haley. She had watched the whole interaction feeling a mix of jealousy and sadness. John Black was a wonderful man. A man who loved with his whole heart, and Haley knew enough to know he had once loved the woman he held in his arms. She wanted him to love her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One more day.

One more time.

One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishin’ still, for one more day with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

*SONG: One More Day – Diamond Rio

Chapter 4 – Somewhere Only We Know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena glanced over at Roman warily as he knocked on John’s loft door. She knew he was unhappy to be there. They’d argued about it before they left the house, and he’d been silent on the drive over. When John had canceled their plans for the art benefit, she’d seen the relief in Roman’s eyes. He’d been relieved, while Marlena had felt sadness so profound she was almost ill. She was driven to help John, and she couldn’t, specifically say why. Roman wanted John as far away from them personally as possible. He had been less than pleased when Marlena insisted they go to the loft, and encourage John to reconsider a night out. She took a deep breath. She couldn’t back away from this. John had been cooped up in the loft for nearly a week, and she had left him alone, honoring his request for space. His phone call had changed everything. She refused to allow him to continue isolating himself. It wasn’t healthy.

Roman wasn’t sure what to do. If he pushed her to leave John alone she became angry and defensive, but if he allowed it to continue he would always find himself at John’s doorstep looking like a fool while his wife pandered to her ex-husband. John was a grown man. His wife had died. He was mourning, but Marlena needed to leave him alone and allow him to grieve. He tried to convince himself it was because that’s what John wanted, but it was a lie. It was because that’s what Roman wanted. He wanted John somewhere else entirely, because every time he saw the man’s face he was reminded of what Stefano had done to him, what his family had done to him, and what his wife had done to him.

John stared at the television screen with Isabella’s smiling face frozen in place. Laying the remote control down on the couch beside him, he glanced behind him at the door. Even without opening it, he had a strong feeling about who was on the other side. He wiped at his tears, surprising himself with the fact that he’d been crying. He thought he had been emotionally wrung out. He stood up, wiping his palms on his jeans, and he stared blankly at the television again, lost in his own grief. Another knock sounded on the door, and as he approached it he heard Roman say in frustration, “Doc, maybe the guy just wants to be alone.”

Marlena tried be quiet as she replied, “Roman, we’ve been over this, I just want to–”

John took a deep breath as he rested his hand on the handle. Letting it out slowly, he schooled his features, prepared to try, and lie to Marlena. He wasn’t worried about Roman. Roman could eat rocks. Roman would believe anything John told him, and turn on his heel to leave, because ultimately that’s what he’d want to do. John could give him that reason, but then Marlena would study him. She would watch him, and she would know immediately that he was lying. Pulling the door open, he eyes landed on them. Roman in his tuxedo, with his curls a wild mass on his head, and Marlena looking like a fucking angel dressed in white. He wanted nothing more than to reach for her, and sob his grief into her, but instead he clenched his fist at his side. As much as he needed his best friend right then, he refused to show his vulnerability to Roman Brady. Trying to sound casual, he said, “What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be at the benefit?”

Roman started to apologize, but Marlena started speaking, cutting him off. She wasn’t going to allow John to hole himself up in the loft any longer. He would sink deeper and deeper into a depression. Facing his wife’s death was the only way he could move forward. He needed to face it to be a father to Brady. With a breezy smile, she told him, “Well, we thought we’d come by, and see if we could talk to you–” She stopped short, glancing over John’s shoulder towards the television set. Isabella’s beautiful smiling face was frozen in place. She didn’t look sick. She didn’t look sad. Marlena glanced over at John, noting the red tinge around his eyes, and the slightly swollen lids. He’d been crying, and her heart broke just a little more.

John couldn’t stop her when she stepped into the room uninvited. Roman smirked at him apologetically, but John knew that once Marlena had made up her mind, there would be no changing it. Unable to say anything else, he turned his back, and walked back towards the couch. As he sank into the soft cushions, he lifted the remote control and hit play. Isabella started speaking, and even though he’d heard her voice only moments before, his body jerked at the soft cadence as she said, “Marlena–”

He leaned forward. Isabella had left a message for everyone in her life who was important, but he hadn’t realized that Marlena would be one of them. He stared, fixated on the screen, and he could feel the heat of Marlena’s body as she came to stand next to where he sat. The scent of Jasmine and lavender surrounded her, and he briefly closed his eyes, breathing her in. Safety. Security. Love. All of the things he thought about when she was near. 

Roman watched John carefully. Was he fucking smelling her? John’s eyes opened, but he stared at the screen before him, and Roman relaxed. Maybe he was simply gathering his thoughts.

Marlena stared at John’s television. She’d seen this video the night Isabella and John flew to Italy. Roman had been working that night. She knew what was coming, and she knew that Roman would add it to his list of insecurities. Isabella’s voice said softly, “…do you remember the talk we had about John? Well, I didn’t quite admit to you the hell I went through when you first came back to Salem. I knew that the two of you had had years, and I envied that… but now I know, that John took Roman’s place for you, just as I took your place for John, and when Roman came back, John was free to love me… and he does, and that’s why I need to ask you this…”

Roman stood behind his wife, imobile. He saw John on the couch entranced with the woman on the screen, and he saw the rigid set of Marlena’s shoulders. She was tense. She’d seen this before, and she knew what was coming, but she’d never bothered to tell him about it.

Marlena wanted to turn the television off. She wasn’t ready to deal with Roman’s reaction, and she wouldn’t get it now. She would get it later, when they were alone. He would be angry and irate, and he would somehow make everything that had gone wrong in his life her fault. 

John sat there, unaware of the other two people in the room, as Isabella said, “…in the months ahead, he’s going to have so much trouble. I mean, he’s patient now, but when I’m gone, he’ll be all alone. Keep a close eye on him, not just as a therapist, but… but as a woman who knows his little quirks and habits. Be as good a friend to him, as you were a wife…”

Marlena glanced over at John. His eyes were filled with tears as he stared at Isabella’s face on the screen. She wasn’t even sure that he was hearing what she was saying, he seemed so lost in the sound of her voice, and her large brown eyes. She turned her head, looking over her shoulder, and Roman was staring at the television with hard eyes. 

Isabella said, “People may talk, but we’ll know why won’t we? Promise me that you’ll do that for us?”

John picked up the remote control, and stopped the video. He couldn’t watch it any more, not with an audience. He stood up, and clicked the television off. Turning to face Marlena, even with Roman there, he couldn’t stop his tears from slipping from the corner of his eyes. Hazel eyes met his blue ones, and her arms opened. He stepped into them, unable to stop himself. He couldn’t stop the sob that caught in his chest or the way his arms tightened around her waist. Burying his face in her hair, all he could do was hold on while trying to process the grief that seemed to consume his every waking moment. He wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but he wouldn’t forget the look in Roman’s eyes when he stepped away from her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?

I’m getting old, and I need something to rely on

So, tell me when, you’re gonna let me in

I’m getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena saw John standing outside on the balcony. She shouldn’t have pressured him to come. He’d been quiet and reserved all night. His smile for everyone around him had been false. She could see that. Stepping out into the cool air beside him, she whispered his name softly.

He glanced over his shoulder, and then stared back up into the night sky with a sigh. “Everytime I look out there at that star… I catch myself wondering if she’s really up there somewhere. Just watching me… is that pathetic?”

She felt her chest constricting in pain, as she asked him softly, “What?”

“The way we human beings have to cling to some kind of hope that when you lose someone you love they’re not really gone, they’re still around… even if they’re up there…” he told her. The stars were barely visible, drowned out by the city lights. He wasn’t even sure what he was staring at. “…hanging out with the stars.” John couldn’t help the laugh of derision that escaped him, as he said, “It’s so damn pathetic–”

“–no!” Marlena told him firmly, refusing to allow him to self-deprecate. He needed to mourn, and he kept pushing it away. He wasn’t allowing himself that time, and she worried for him. “No, it’s not. We all want to believe that somebody we’ve lost is still with us, that they’re in our hearts…” Her voice took on a soft tone, as she thought about D.J. and her sister. She placed her palm on his arm gently, “…they’re in a star. That isn’t pathetic at all–”

“–Oh, come on, Doc! Come on! Come on!” he cried, turning to face her with frustration. “That’s just a crutch we use to pull us through the hard times! When you’re dead, you’re dead, and we just gotta face the facts, and we gotta move on–”

“–No!” Marlena replied, cutting him off.

“Yes,” he said with more conviction, wiping tears from his cheeks. He was grateful to be out there with her alone. After his earlier tears in front of Roman, he didn’t want to be weak in front of anyone else.

She stepped closer, “John… the hope that death is not the end has been the hope of humanity since the beginning of time. The Egyptians had the pyramids! The Christians celebrated the resurrection, and every spring there’s a whole new resurgence of life, right from the earth! From nature itself!”

John took a breath, releasing it slowly. “Well, I don’t know about that. All I know is that each and every passing day I’m losing more and more of Isabella. I sit there and I watch her tapes hoping to grab a little essence of her again… maybe see her smile, see her face. I’m hoping it will take some of the pain away for just a few seconds.”

She’d somehow gotten so close to him, that she could feel the heat of his body against hers as the cool breeze brushed across her bare shoulder. Staring up at him, she asked, “Does it?”

He shook his head no, while biting his lip to stop himself from crying. Anything he needed to do to keep his emotions in check until he got to the privacy of his own home. “Maybe it’s because I know, and she knew, just how sick she was when she was making those tapes. Her eyes look so sad. She just looks alone… and I don’t want to remember her like that!”

“The tapes aren’t helping you at all are they?”

“Perhaps they would, if she’d made them at a different time,” he said. “When she was happy and–and full of life. The bottom line is that someday, I’m going to sit Brady down in front of those tapes, and I’m going to have to explain to him that his Mama was dying when she made them.”

Marlena pictured Brady with his mother’s curls, and her deep brown eyes, and her heart ached for him. Her eyes closed briefly in pain, as John looked away, staring up at the night sky once more. He seemed lost in thought, but she couldn’t seem to let it go. She slipped her hand over his where it sat on the railing, and she leaned against him. “What else are you thinking?”

John almost started laughing. It was just like her, even when she wasn’t working, she was working. She had one of the most curious, analytical minds, and it was one of things he’s fallen in love with all of those years ago. “You ask a lot of questions. You know that?”

“I know. I’ve never gotten over that. It’s good…” Marlena laughed lightly, “It’s my business you know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

John smiled. It felt foreign, but it felt nice. “I was just thinking… how grateful, and how lucky I am that I can talk to you about this.”

Her chest fluttered when he looked at her. It always would. They had both made decisions that took their lives in different directions, with different people, but John would always make her heart skip. “I will always be here for you,” she whispered. She stepped closer. “Always. Always. Always… always.” Tears filled John’s eyes again, and a look of sadness came to his eyes. Marlena took in a soft breath, reaching for him. Her small hand cupped his jaw, and he reached for her hand, holding it solidly against his face as he sighed. She watched him close his eyes, and for the second time that night their eyes locked.

Inside the ballroom, Roman stood in the shadows watching his wife with her ex-husband. Stella Lombard’s jealous words echoed in his ears. He thought he’d gotten over Marlena’s attachment to John, but it had been much easier to stomach when John had Isabella. He watched her caress John’s face, and his eyes narrowed as John’s eyes closed, and he held onto her hand. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena stared out the window of the car on the way home. John had insisted on taking a taxi home, even though he’d ridden to the benefit with her and Roman. Roman had seemed relieved, and Marlena was well aware that John was picking up on Roman’s feelings. She sighed, but said nothing. It was too late. Roman asked her with annoyance, “What’s with the sigh, Doc?”

The last thing she wanted to do was argue with him. She needed to get home, and pack her bag for the conference in New York. Her flight was early in the morning, and she hoped the hotel had her itinerary when she arrived, because she was straight into a meeting after dropping her bag in her room. “It’s nothing, Roman. I’m tired, and I still need to pack.”

“I don’t know why you’re running off to this conference anyway,” he told her gruffly. “Amnesia? What’s the sudden interest in that anyway?”

“I’m missing five years of my life, Roman. I’m also interested in it for John. Stefano had us both, and it’s possible that he did similar–”

Roman snorted as if he knew everything, “–Doc! You don’t have amnesia! You were in a coma for five years!”

Marlena stared at him with wide hazel eyes, watching the street lights flash across his face as he drove. Hadn’t he listened to her at all over the last few months? “Is that what you think?”

“Doc, you said it yourself! You woke up from a coma in San Cristobal–”

“Yes, I woke up in San Cristobal… but I don’t believe I was in a coma the whole time, Roman. I remember you, don’t I? And you told me that was only a week or so before I left the island.” She was quiet for a moment, and then she said, “I had no muscle weakness when I woke. None. I woke up, and I was able to wander around the room, and then I was able to escape, in the middle of a huge storm. I couldn’t have been in a coma for the entire five years. I wouldn’t have been able to even stand up if I had.”

“You don’t know that!” Roman said loudly. “I feel like you’re just looking for more, when there is nothing to find!”

“In order to be a psychiatrist, I had to be a medical doctor. I know what I’m talking about–”

“–I’m not saying you don’t! I’m simply saying if you don’t remember it, you could have been in a coma. It doesn’t mean you have amnesia. I feel like–” Roman stopped speaking abruptly.

Marlena glanced over at him with hard eyes, “What? Don’t stop now, Roman. What were you going to say?”

He pulled into their driveway, muttering, “Nothing.” He’d almost said that she was searching for a connection to John. That she was trying to find a way to link their pasts even closer than they already were, but he’d stopped himself just in time. 

She followed him inside the house, saying nothing further. He didn’t need to tell her what he’d been about to say. She already suspected what it was, and she was too tired to have that argument. She was grateful that the twins were at the pub. She could pack her bags, and get some rest, because the following day would be long.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?

I’m getting old, and I need something to rely on

So, tell me when you’re gonna let me in

I’m getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don’t we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So, why don’t we go

Somewhere only we know?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Somewhere Only We Know – rhianne

Chapter 5 – Turning Tables

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Close enough to start a war

All that I have is on the floor

G-d only knows what we’re fighting for

All that I say, you always say more

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She folded a soft satin chemise, and sighed softly as she placed it in her luggage. Roman had been silent for over an hour and a half, and it was getting to her. She was already stressed because Stella Lombard had been terribly rude all evening, and normally Marlena might have said something, but for Roger, she kept silent. It was his night, and she didn’t want to ruin it. Then there was John. The sadness that he carried with him had her focus most of the night. She watched him interact with people, and try to smile, but what she felt the most was guilt for having convinced him to come out. She’d hoped it would help, but she was left feeling as if she’d just made everything worse. 

Roman walked into the bedroom, and Marlena said softly, “You know, Roman. You haven’t said a word since we got home. Do you want to talk?”

He sighed heavily, watching his fingers fumble over the cufflink at his wrist. He tossed both of  them on the vanity beside Marlena’s earrings. He was relieved. The conversation on the way home had been horrible, and he had been too stubborn to broach a conversation since they’d arrived home. Plus, his guilt over his heated make out session with Taylor McCall was getting to him, and making him suspicious of every move Marlena made. Afterall, if he’d been unfaithful, who was to say that she hadn’t as well?

“Yeah,” he said, just as the telephone loudly rang. It seemed as if it was one interruption after another all evening. Annoyed, he said, “I’ll get it.” Taking the few steps it took to get to the phone, he answered it briskly, “Hello?”

Marlena continued to pack her bag. She wanted to be ready to go before she went to sleep so she wouldn’t be rushing the following morning. She paused when she heard Roman say, “Yeah, she’s here. Hold on a second.” She dropped the hanger she was holding onto the bed with a rattle, as a seemingly irritated Roman, handed her the phone. He grunted, “It’s for you.”

Slightly breathless, she replied, “Thank you,” as she reached for the receiver. “Hello?” 

“Is this Dr. Marlena Evans?” the woman on the other end of the line asked.

“Yes, it’s Dr. Evans.” Marlena happened to glance up as Roman sneered. Her keeping her maiden name professionally was a never ending source of irritation to Roman. 

“I’m calling to let you know that your 6 am flight, flight 2324, has been canceled. I’ve found space on the 10:20 am flight if that works for you,” the woman said.

“No, I have to be in New York first thing in the morning,” Marlena said in frustration. Roman smirked across the room, and she felt as if she could scream. 

There was a part of him that was glad to hear that her flight had been canceled. Maybe she would cancel her whole trip.

“Well, we have a flight leaving tonight at 10:40,” the airline attendant said. Marlena could hear the clack of the women’s fingernails typing on a keyboard as she said, “Let me see if we have availability on that flight. Ah! We do! Would you like me to book it?”

“Is that all you have?” Marlena asked. If she took that flight, she would need to leave the house within the next thirty minutes, but did she have any other options? She listened carefully as the women told her there was nothing else available. With a sigh, Marlena replied, “Alright, okay, yes… go ahead and book it.” Roman was watching her as she said, “Yes, thank you for calling.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I can’t keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me

I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me

It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables

To turning tables…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“What was that about?” he asked her. He was irritated realizing that she still planned to go to New York. They had things they needed to discuss, and the problems in their marriage weren’t going to get better if she was two states away. His attraction to Taylor wasn’t going to wane, if his wife was gone for a week.

“Well, they’ve canceled my flight to New York for tomorrow morning. I have to go tonight.”

Roman gave her a hard stare, “Can’t you take a later flight tomorrow morning?”

Picking up the sweater she’d discarded earlier, she said, “I wish I could, but that won’t get me there in time for my ten o’clock meeting with Paul Whitman.”

Roman’s voice became louder, “Well, can’t you postpone the meeting with Paul Whitman?”

“I can’t, honey. He’s taken a long time to set it up. I’ve got to be there for it.” She took a skirt off of another hanger to place it in her luggage. Roman’s face said everything. He was angry. He was frustrated. Making her voice softer, she stepped towards him, trying to be consoling. “Look, you know what? If you want to talk, we can do it right now.”

Roman was tired of forcing her to make time for him. Sarcastically he said, “No, Doc, see, I don’t think you have enough time for me right now. I mean, what I have to say may take all of ten minutes or more–”

“–Roman,” she said, trying to remain calm. But it was hard to do. He’d been goading her for days, and it was wearing on her.

He threw his hands up as if he were conceding, when in reality he was being caustic. “No. No… no, really. You’ve got a plane to catch, so you do it!” He walked past her, refusing to even look at her as he said, “But, hey, mustn’t forget your vitamins! You gotta keep up your strength for dealing with all these people!” He picked up her bottle of vitamins, tossing it carelessly into her luggage on the bed.

Marlena was instantly furious. “Don’t do this, alright? You want to talk to me? Talk to me right now!”

“Alright, I’ll talk to you right now,” he said leaning towards her. His eyes were narrowed as he pointed his finger in her face. “But you better listen, and you better listen damn close, because I’m only going to say this one time! Alright?”

She backed up a step, staring at him as if she didn’t even recognize him. 

Roman realized what he’d done as soon as she stepped away from him. Trying to soften his delivery, he followed her when she walked away. “I was trying to spend a nice evening together before you flew off to New York.”

“We did spend an evening together tonight,” she said. 

Roman scoffed as if she were spewing nonsense. “Yeah we spent an evening together. We spent an evening together with Roger, and with John, and with all the members of the arts council, and look at you now,” he said gesturing towards her half packed luggage. “Here you are now, you’re running out on me again! And don’t act like this is the first time! I mean this is becoming a habit with you!”

Marlena turned to follow him with her eyes, as he crossed the room. She didn’t understand why he was bringing it all up now. He’d know for over a month about the arts’ council benefit. He’d also known that John was coming, and that John would need extra attention since he was still mourning Isabella. She hadn’t said anything about him and Stella whispering together in a corner half the night. His argument felt very one sided. 

Refusing to allow him to play the victim, she said, “All right! Fine! Let’s take it one issue at a time, shall we?” She followed him, coming to stand directly in front of him. Lifting her finger to indicate her first point, she said, “John. I’m helping the man survive the death of his wife. I think you can understand that.”

“Oh, I understand it. I understand it completely,” he told her. “I understand the man’s pain, and yes, you should help him, but you are not his savior, Doc! You and I – we are in a marriage here! We both have our individual needs! We don’t seem to connect enough anymore to even deal with those needs because you’re always off trying to deal with everybody else’s problems!”

“I’m a psychiatrist! My job is to help–”

“–help people! Yes, I understand that,” he said loudly. “But not at the risk of ruining your own personal life!”

Marlena stared at him for a moment, realizing that Roman was placing all of their current marital problems directly on her shoulders. He wasn’t taking responsibility for his long work hours, or missed family events. He wasn’t taking responsibility for his yelling, and his refusal to empathize with what the children were going through. Incredulously, she asked him, “Is that what I’m doing?”

“Yes! That’s what you’re doing!” he said vehemently. “When was the last time that you took one little minute to step back, and look at your own problems? Deal with your own problems?”

“My problems?” she asked him in surprise. 

“Yes!” he almost hissed at her. “You are very good at analyzing other people, but when it comes to analyzing yourself, Doc, you’re, you’re… what’s that term you’re always throwing around at me? You’re closed off – you’re, you’re in complete denial!” 

“Denial?” she repeated, staring at her husband as if he’d lost his mind. Did he truly believe that she was the root of all of their problems? “What am I denying?”

“You–you’re denying you! You’re denying me! You’re denying us!” he said loudly. He knew he was starting to sound irrational, and the whole time he had flashes of kissing Taylor McCall. If anyone was in denial it was probably him, but it was easier to point the finger at Marlena than to acknowledge his own failings. “Doc, our marriage is in trouble here, but you won’t admit that.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Under haunted skies, I see you, ooh

Where love is lost, your ghost is found

I braved a hundred storms to leave you

As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He stared at her as if he expected her to break down and admit that everything he’d said was true, but it wasn’t. With a small chuckle, she said, “Roman, I’ll admit we have a spat like married couples do from time to time, but–”

“–no! No! I’m not talking about little spats!” He threw his hands up in the air, and walked around her in frustration. “I’m talking about big deep rooted problems here!” He pictured himself pushing Taylor up against the chain link fencing in the evidence room, and he rubbed his hands over his face. “The kind of problems that you’re hiding from! The kind of problems you pretend don’t exist by– by getting out, and getting yourself so involved with all these other people! All of these other causes!” 

“Those involvements are my patients, Roman.” She stepped towards him, trying to understand where the root of his anger was coming from, because she was certain that it wasn’t her. It was something else. “When did you start getting jealous of my practice?”

Unable to hold himself back, he scoffed at her again, “I don’t believe it. You want to reduce this whole thing to my being jealous? Fine. Fine! I’ll accept that. Okay, fine, I am jealous. What are you going to do about it?”

Marlena was done with his self pity. She stared at him fiercely, “Listen to me! I played second fiddle to your career for a lot of years! I still do, and I have never once complained about it! I was scared senseless! Stakeouts all night, never knowing when you would be home, or what kind of danger you were in! I never once complained, did I?”

Roman had the good sense to look sheepish, “No, you didn’t… but that was a different life then, Doc. Since I have been back… of late, I don’t even think you care where I go, or how long I’m gone!”

“You’re gone all of the time!” she cried. “You work constantly. You have cases constantly. I’ve stopped asking, Roman, because the answer is always the same!”

He stared at her in surprise, unable or unwilling to admit she might be right. “The facts are, we can pretend all we want to here, but the truth is, things have not been the same for us since we’ve been back together!”

“You left us!” she cried. “How am I supposed to believe that you’ll be here for me, or for this family, when you would leave us on a whim, Roman! How can I trust you?”

“I did that for Bo!” he screamed. 

“I begged you, Roman. I begged you not to leave us, and then you lied to my face, and snuck out of this house like a damned dog!” She started crying, “You played me for a fool yet again.”

He stepped back as if she’d slapped him. Her tears didn’t move him at all, as he stared at her. “Are you changing the subject? Did you even hear what I said? What about us?”

“What do you mean by that?” she asked him softly, while furiously wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

“I mean… I mean that you are not the same woman that I married.” He stared at her with sadness, as if telling her that would bring back the women he’d left behind in 1984. “The Marlena I married, she was so full of life! She knew how to cry. She knew how to laugh, but you, Doc, you’ve built this wall around you that’s a mile thick! I can’t get through it – believe me, I’ve tried! I mean you, anymore, there’s no ups, there’s no downs! Everything with you, it’s just safe, it’s even, it’s–it’s, it’s so clinical!” 

She was taken aback. Was that true? Certainly since Roman had come back after his search for Bo, she had been standoffish, but that was because she was so afraid of him leaving them again. Had she been holding back emotionally? “No. That’s not true at all.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can’t keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can’t breathe

So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me

I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me

It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables

Turning tables…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Yes. It’s true, Doc. Please, tell me. What are you so afraid of? Is it that you’re afraid to lose me again?”

Her heart was breaking. She’d already lost him. Over and over again, she’d lost him. So much so that she couldn’t even bring herself to fully depend on him, because he could just as easily leave them again. “I can’t feel that kind of pain again!”

He didn’t offer her any warmth, or any empathy. Instead he walked away from her, “So what? You just choose to feel nothing at all, is that it?”

She knew he didn’t see her pain. He only felt his own. Hot tears streamed over her cheeks. Turning to face him, she said, “Don’t you dare tell me what I’m feeling! When I lost you, I thought I would die! I thought I couldn’t survive that!”

With his jaw clenched, Roman said, “What about me? What about me!? I spent seven long years in that rat hole of a prison, and the only thing that kept me alive was you, and my love for you, and that somewhere, deep down inside of me, I had a feeling that you knew I was still alive, and that you were going to wait for me! But you didn’t… and I gotta tell you it was a very cold, hard slap in the face to find out just how fast you accepted a total stranger as me!”

Marlena’s heart was breaking. It was breaking for Roman, and as she considered John… it broke for him as well, because what she felt for him was so much more than just thinking he was Roman. “You can’t put that on me! Nobody knew! None of us knew!”

Roman pictured Marlena on their bed underneath John, and he felt the nausea rising. He pointed towards their bed, and said with seething rage, “You brought John Black into our bedroom, and you made love to him! How could you not know?”

She’d been mourning Roman’s death so hard, and she’d been falling in love with John at the same time. She could still remember the guilt, and the shame of it, but love didn’t wait for anyone. It simply was. Then there was the shock of finding out that John could be Stefano. Marlena knew she had grabbed hold of the idea that he could be Roman as soon as she’d found the medical records scattered over the mountain top in West Virginia. It was the thought of losing John that she knew pushed her towards accepting him as Roman. Her grief over losing Roman, and her grief over possibly losing John as well – she would never admit that to anyone, but it was true. She gasped softly, “I couldn’t live without you. I really wanted to believe… I willed myself to believe it was true.”

She watched Roman as he pushed aside her pain, and focused on his own. He sneered at her. “So, you admit you were living a fantasy?”

He’d turned her all around. She didn’t know which way was up, and which way was down. She’d loved John. Perhaps she still did, but she’d dedicated herself to making her marriage to Roman work. She had to make it work. “Yes! Yes, that’s exactly what it was. I was living a fantasy. I was living a fantasy, Roman. The fantasy of the man I first fell in love with.” But it was more than that, and she knew it. She walked away, and then turned quickly to face him. With a sob she said, “The fantasy of the man that I first fell in love with. The man who promised that he would always love me…” Her voice rose in pitch and volume as she said, “…that he would always be there for me… that he would never leave me!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Next time, I’ll be braver

I’ll be my own saviour

When the thunder calls for me

Next time, I’ll be braver

I’ll be my own saviour

Standing on my own two feet

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I didn’t leave you,” he told her.

“Oh, yes you did!” she hissed, stepping closer to him. Her angry hazel eyes refused to allow him to look away. “Yes, you did… and when you came back after seven years, what was the first thing you did?” Roman stared at her, refusing to answer. She pointed at him, “You went right back undercover.”

Just as he had said to her earlier, he lamely replied, “That was for Bo.”

“Bo was a very good excuse!”

“Oh, you want to start talking about excuses?” He refused to be wrong in this situation. “Between your arts council, and your alcohol rehab, and G-d knows what else, you come up with plenty of them yourself!”

It was a constant revolving circle that was getting them nowhere. Marlena glanced at the clock, “I’m done discussing this. It’s getting us nowhere! Frankly, I’m a little bit glad that I’m going away right now. You’ll have some time to think about all of this.” She yanked the last blouse off of the hanger in her hand, and folded it quickly. Laying it on top, she reached over and began zipping her luggage, while Roman loomed behind her seething with anger. 

“That’s your answer? That’s your solution to all of this, Doc? You’re just going to turn your back on it like that?” He started screaming, “That’s how you solve our problems, Doc? Doc! Doc! We are like two ships passing in the night here! I mean, I can’t believe that we thought that we actually had it all back!”

It was then that her heart truly broke in half. Turning to face him, she whispered, “Well, I did… until just now.”

Roman gripped her arm, forcefully turning her to face him. He knew he was pinching her, and he knew he should lessen his hold on her arm, but he didn’t. “You listen to me. We are losing each other. I’ve been fighting it, but I just can’t… the closest we have come of late to really connecting is when you got drunk at Wing’s. I mean, it is sad to think that you have to be under the influence for the two of us to even enjoy each other’s company!”

She jerked her arm free, and stared at him for a moment. “I don’t recall hearing any complaints about the time we spend in bed together.”

“I don’t have any complaints,” he told her. “I just want more of it!”

She wished she could close her eyes, and all of this would go away. But that wasn’t her reality. Taking a deep breath, she released it slowly. “I’m a working mother with responsibilities. Do you mind? I have a lot going on. What should I do? Do you think, maybe I should just come home during lunch? Would that work for you?” Roman sighed, and looked at the floor, as she continued, “Or weekends! We could turn up the television set when the kids are downstairs!”

“I am not talking about the sex thing!” he roared. “I’m not talking about just your body! I want the whole package! I want you! I want your brain! I want your soul! I want your heart! I want all of it, but you’re not giving it to me! So what the hell are you saving it for, or maybe I should be asking who are you saving it for?”

“Don’t you…” Marlena breathed in fury, “… dare! Don’t!” She could barely get her last word out. A sob choked her deep in her throat, and tears welled in her eyes. There was something more going on there. She could see the guilt in Roman’s eyes, but she couldn’t handle it anymore. Reaching for her luggage, she turned away from him. Without even glancing back, she said, “You know where I’ll be in case of an emergency.” 

Roman watched her walk out, and he didn’t go after her. He didn’t even try to stop her. The telephone started ringing, and then he heard the front door slam downstairs. She was gone. He sat on the bed helplessly, and listened to the telephone as its ring continued to fill the room. He ignored it. He didn’t answer the telephone the next two times it rang either, and the worst part was that he wanted to go to work. He wasn’t sure what would be his distraction – his job, or the blonde cop who happened to be his brother’s partner.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me

I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me

It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables

To turning tables

Turning tables, yeah

Mmm…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Turning Tables – Adele

Chapter 6 – I’ll Stand By You

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, why you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don’t be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

‘Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two days later Marlena sat on the edge of her bed in her hotel room. It had been relatively quiet at the start of the week, but someone had just moved into the room adjoining hers. She glanced at the locked door that separated the room, double checking that she’d locked it. She assumed there was another door on their side which was locked as well. She took a deep breath. She’d been anxious and overwhelmed since her argument with Roman two days earlier. Because of that she’d buried herself in work over the weekend. Her meeting with Paul Whitman had gone as scheduled, and she was preparing for the conference on the brain and memory. 

She stared at the telephone. She needed to call Roman. She really couldn’t put it off much longer. Another deep breath. Lifting the receiver, she decided to check on John first. Then she would call Roman. Dialing the hotel operator, she told them she’d like to make a long distance call, and they patched her through. It rang several times, and Marlena was relieved to finally hear Haley’s voice, “John Black residence.”

“Oh, Haley!” Marlena said, slightly breathless. She tried to take another deep breath. “I was hoping to catch John. Is he in?”

Haley sighed softly. Of course it was Marlena calling. No one else seemed to check on John. It wasn’t as if they didn’t care. He’d received numerous phone calls when he’d first returned after Isabella’s death, but one by one he had pushed people away. The calls had become less frequent, until they seemed to drop off completely. She should be happy that Marlena hadn’t given up on him, but truthfully she was jealous. She pushed her long copper locks back over her shoulder with a flip, and she said softly, “He left this morning for a quick business trip. He should be back tomorrow evening.”

“Oh, he didn’t mention anything the last time we spoke,” Marlena said with a little more sadness than she’d intended. 

“It wasn’t expected,” Haley told her. “Lawrence tried to schedule a meeting with another company head without informing John. He just found out last night, and he left this afternoon. He should be there already.”

She couldn’t help asking, “Where was he going?” 

“New York. He’s staying at the Martinique on Broadway if you’d like to call him there.” Haley sat down on the couch  feeling defeated. He was never going to notice her, so there was no sense trying to sabotage the one healthy relationship he seemed to have. He needed all of the friends he could get, and right then Haley was pretty sure Marlena was it.

Marlena straightened up, repeating, “The Martinique? You’re sure?”

“Yes… hold on, I’ve got it written down… yes, room 518,” Haley replied. She glanced towards the baby monitor when she heard Brady fussing. “I’m sorry I need to go get Brady. He just woke up.”

“Okay. Okay. Yes… thank you, Haley.” Marlena hung up the telephone, and then immediately called the operator again, calling Roman.

“Hello,” Roman said briskly.

“Roman… it’s Marlena,” she said softly.

“Hey, Doc. I was just on my way out the door.” He shrugged into his jacket, “Is it important?”

“No. It isn’t… I just thought, well, we ended things so abruptly the other night, and–”

“Look, I should probably let you know before you hear it from someone else, the other night Stella Lombard was killed in a hit and run.”

“No!” Marlena gasped softly. “Oh, poor Roger… and Jessie. Oh, Roman!”

He rolled his eyes in frustration. Yeah, poor Roger, and poor Jessie. They were two miserable excuses for humans and Marlena was feeling sorry for them. “Yeah, well it’s still an open case, and I’m not going to lie to you, Doc. Roger is a suspect.” 

He didn’t tell her about the paper trail that indicated that Stella Lombard was not the model citizen everyone seemed to think she was. He didn’t tell her about Stella’s plan for her when she left Salem –  a plan that failed because Marlena left town earlier than expected. Roman already knew that those phone calls he’d ignored were from Stella, and the deeper he got into the case the worse it looked. On top of that he was neck deep in the Lacey James case, which he couldn’t seem to crack.

“Roger? No, Roman. Roger would never hurt Stella,” she said. “He simply wouldn’t.”

“Well, he was leaving her wasn’t he. He was filing for divorce, and she was getting desperate to hold onto him.” Roman grabbed his keys off of the table, and put his wallet in his back pocket. “It’s not out of the realm of possibility.”

“But Roger?” She sighed, “I know him better than most people, and he wouldn’t do something like that.”

Sami came flying down the stairs, her long blonde hair trailing behind her, and Roman put his arm out to stop her. She stared up at him with wary eyes, and he said to Marlena, “Look, Doc. I gotta go, okay, but Sami’s right here–”

“–Roman I was calling because–”

“Hi, Mommy!” Sami said in her cheery voice. “When are you coming home?”

Marlena sighed. Roman was still angry, but there was nothing she could do about it. Smiling softly, she said, “Hello, darling! Oh, how I miss you!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When the night falls on you

You don’t know what to do

Nothing you confess

Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After disconnecting her call, she glanced at the locked door that connected her room to the room beside her – room 518 of the Martinique on Broadway. It couldn’t be, and yet Haley had said he was staying there. She stood up, and walked across the room. She flipped the lock, and opened the door to find herself facing another heavy wooden door. She heard another thump from the opposite side, and taking a deep breath she knocked… and waited.

John picked up the vase he’d knocked off of the end table, and stared at the door on the other side of the room. Was he making that much noise? He ignored it, and started doing lunges again, this time further away from things he could knock over, but then someone knocked again. Wiping the sweat from his forehead he muttered, “What the fuck?”

In a few strides, he was in front of the door wrestling with the lock. As he pulled the door open with frustration, he said, “Look, I’m sorry if I was making noise, but–” He found himself staring down at the face of an angel. Marlena stood there with a wide smile on her face, and he wanted to reach for her, and hold her against him in relief. He didn’t, because he was covered in sweat, but the relief that came from seeing her was unprecedented. The anxiety which had been a constant companion in his chest for the last few days, lessened its grip on him.

“Hey, Sailor,” Marlena said with a smile.

He couldn’t stop himself. Reaching for her, he pulled her body against his, and buried his face in her hair. “Doc… oh my G-d, Doc! What are you doing here?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

So if you’re mad, get mad

Don’t hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well I’m a lot like you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John stared at Marlena with intense blue eyes, and he said softly, “Thanks for having dinner with me, Doc.”

Marlena sat her glass of chilled Chateau Haut-Brion down on the small table, and she stared at him for a moment before she said softly, “As if I would have given you a choice.”

He laughed quietly, feeling warmth spread through his body. He reached for his bourbon, swirling it in the glass as he watched the orange peel and the ice spin slowly. “What I mean is–”

“–I know what you mean,” she told him. “I think we both needed a friend tonight, and I’m so glad it was you.”

John leaned forward trying to get a read on her mood. “What’s going on with you tonight?”

“The truth?” she asked him.

“Always the truth,” he said. “You and I have never lied to each other.”

“Roman and I fought before I left for this conference, and it’s getting to me. We both said things we shouldn’t have.” She lifted her wine glass, and took another sip feeling the burn as it went down her throat. “I tried to call him today to discuss it, but he’s caught up in work, and… well… nothing, I guess. We’ll have to discuss it when I get home on Friday.”

“Did you know G-d was a baseball fan?” he said abruptly. She gave him a look that made him chuckle. All he wanted to do was see her smile, so he said. “Yeah. Yeah. It’s in the Bible. You’ve read the Bible. It’s on the first page. What’s the first line?”

Unable to ignore his infectious smile, she said, “In the beginning.”

“No,” he said quickly. “In the big inning.”

His punchline hit, and she couldn’t hold back her short laugh and her wide smile. John’s joke, as usual, was dry and delivered with a deadpan face. He waited, and she couldn’t help the laughter that followed. “That’s a horrible joke!”

“Baseball jokes are never horrible,” he said, sitting back and reaching for his drink. 

Marlena smiled at him “Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?”

He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them he found that she was watching him. She could probably read every emotion on his face at that moment. “Yeah, I think I do. I could say the same, you know. The fact that we were able to leave Mexico, and move on with our lives while remaining friends–”

“–best friends,” she whispered.

“The best,” he replied. He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked her, “This argument you had with Roman, it’s really getting to you, huh?”

“I just hate having regrets, and I said some things I shouldn’t have.”

“Ah, everybody has regrets,” he said carelessly, leaning back in his seat. He crossed his ankles as he stretched out his legs. “Everybody’s got ‘em.”

She thought about it for a moment, “I never did before this. At least I never admitted that I did before this. I’ve always been really busy being in control, you know? Just determined to stay in control and be perfect and…” Roman’s words echoed in her mind, You are very good at analyzing other people, but when it comes to analyzing yourself, Doc, you’re, you’re… what’s that term you’re always throwing around at me? You’re closed off – you’re, you’re in complete denial! “I feel like I’m not doing it right… I mean life. Like I’m letting everyone down.”

John saw deep pain in her eyes, and he wasn’t sure where it was coming from. She wasn’t usually this vulnerable with him. She had been when they were married, but not recently. Not since their paths diverged. “Doc, you never let anyone down before, except maybe yourself.” He wanted to be sure she heard him, so he stood up, and knelt before her, tipping her face so that she looked down at him. “You got that?”

She nodded once indicating that she’d heard him, but she felt the sting of tears in her eyes.

“You’re always there for people,” he said softly. Reaching for her hand, his thumb brushed across her palm. “You’ve been there for me. You care… you give – your kids, to Roman, your patients… You make a difference.” He reached up with his other hand, gently brushing the tears from her cheeks. “You change people’s lives.”

Her throat felt tight. Again she could hear Roman telling her, you are not the same woman that I married. Barely audible, she said, “Not always for the better.”

What could Roman have possibly said to her to cause her so much sadness? John’s fingers gripped her chin, forcing her to look at him, “Oh, yeah? Who’s your source? Who’ve you been talking to, huh? Have you talked to anybody who’s life you’ve changed? Talk to me. I talk from facts, and you’ve changed my life, Doc.”

She pulled away from him, and stood up quickly, almost spilling her wine when she bumped the table. John let her go, but she saw him stand up and follow her to the window overlooking the city. 

He stood behind her, watching the lights reflect off of the tears on her face. “Hey, Doc… can you look at me?”

She turned towards him, because she couldn’t deny him.

“You made me whole again.” There was no other way to explain it. He saw the understanding in her eyes as he told her, “Do you remember what I was like when I came into Salem? Of course, you do. Who was I, huh? Who was I? Where was I? I was out there… you talk about being in the dark… how long was I out there?” Emotion choked him as he tried to get his ideas to line up with his words, “What did you do? You just kind of reached out, and you just kept reaching, didn’t you? Until you pulled me right in.”

“But, I wasn’t afraid then. I wish I wasn’t so afraid now.”

He reached for her, wrapping his arms around her. He could feel her hot tears soaking his shirt front, as he whispered, “What are you afraid of?”

“Everything,” she whispered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

When you’re standing at the crossroads

And don’t know which path to choose

Let me come along

‘Cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John reached out in his sleep, and woke almost immediately when he realized Isabella wasn’t there. His eyes opened in the dark room and he stared blindly at the ceiling. She was gone, and he was still trying to grapple with how he was going to keep living a life that felt empty without her. Tossing the covers off of himself, he threw his legs over the side of the bed, and leaned forward rubbing his hands over his face. He hadn’t had a full night’s sleep since her death. On a good night he might get four hours, and he knew it was catching up with him. Glancing at the clock, he sighed. “It’s fucking two in the morning.”

He stood up, leaning back to crack his spine, and then he turned to look at the door that connected his room to Marlena’s. He’d left it ajar, and he knew somehow that she had done the same. It brought him some comfort at a time when he felt like he had none. He walked slowly towards the bathroom to relieve himself, muttering, “Maybe I can fall back to sleep.”

Marlena tossed in her bed. The blankets and the bedsheets twisted around her body, as she whispered softly, “No, Roman… that’s not what I meant… that’s not…”

The moonlight washed over her, and the city lights cast her room in a soft glow, but she was lost to her dreams. She reached for Roman, intent on stopping him before he walked out the door, but her legs wouldn’t move. Her body was frozen. In time. In place. Her own screams were what woke her. “G-d, Roman! Noooo!”

She sat up in bed, clenching her hands in the linen, and the first sob choked her. She gasped for air trying to drag it into her lungs, but it hurt so much. Everything hurt. Everything. She wrapped her arms around her middle, and leaned forward as the tears fell. Unable to stop herself, she rocked back and forth trying to find that calm place in her mind. She sobbed again, and clapped her palm over her mouth trying to silence the grief that was forcing its way out of her body.

Calm came over her when she felt John’s warm hand slide across her back, so familiar and comforting. She turned towards him almost immediately, reaching for him. She was finally able to take a deep breath when his scent hit her nose, and she rubbed her face across his abdomen. She would consider later how inappropriate it was, but in the moment it was the most necessary thing. John whispered, “Bad dream, huh?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And when

When the night falls on you, baby

You’re feeling all alone

You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I’ll never desert you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena laid in the bed facing John in the early morning light. At some point they had fallen asleep. Her beneath the blankets, and him on top with the comforter he’d taken from his room. His dark lashes rested on his cheeks, and the sight brought with it so many memories. A silver chain hung loose around his neck, and she reached for it, lifting the small St. Michael’s medallion.

He felt her fingers brush his skin, and then he felt the movement around his neck. His eyes fluttered, and he said with a sleep roughened voice, “St. Michael… it’s a patron saint. It protects people when they go into battle. Bo gave it to Isabella when she was sick.”

Marlena could feel his sadness as he spoke, and she sighed softly, “Oh.”

“Some people might say that it didn’t do Isabella any good, but I’m not one of them. She did just fine… with guts and determination and heart…” He rolled onto his back, and stared at the ceiling, whispering, “Heart. She put everything she had into it right until the end.”

“Roman wore this once,” she said softly. 

“Yeah.” He lifted the medallion from her fingers to stare at it. “It’s pretty strange isn’t it?” He turned his head to look at her and found her watching him intently. “I mean, how many people…” He smiled, and then said, “How many people do you know who can say, no, I’m not Roman Brady, but I used to be… on the other hand, how many people do you know who could say, no, I was married to him once, but that was when I thought he… was the man that I’m married to now.”

Marlena couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. “I didn’t think we’d be laughing about it exactly.”

He allowed the metal to slip from his fingers, “Ah, why not? I mean, why should our lives suddenly get normal, huh?”

She was quiet for a moment, and then she said softly, “After everything we’ve been through. Who else could understand this?”

He rolled on his side to face her, thinking that he shouldn’t be in her bed. She shouldn’t have allowed him to be in her bed, but in allowing him to comfort her, he’d gotten the best sleep he’d had in weeks. “I wouldn’t change my past for anything, Doc.”

“Neither would I.” She reached up, cupping his face gently. 

John glanced down at her arm, noticing the bruising around it. Reaching out, he traced his finger over it, and knew immediately what had caused it. “Doc…”

Marlena dropped her arm, and rolled away from him, tossing her legs over the side of the bed. “It’s nothing,” she said.

“It’s not nothing,” he told her gently. “It’s not. What happened?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’ll stand by you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

*SONG: I’ll Stand By You – Pretenders

Chapter 7 – Superman (It’s Not Easy)

*TRIGGER WARNING** Discussion of attempted rape, and prior sexual assault.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive

I’m just out to find the better part of me

I’m more than a bird, I’m more than a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

And it’s not easy to be me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The elevator doors opened on the 6th floor of Salem University Hospital, and Marlena rushed out, running headlong into Carly Manning. Her purse strap was gripped tightly in her fist, as if she clung to it for her sanity. She was so scared, and overwhelmed, all she managed to say when her eyes met Carly’s was, “Roman?”

Carly smiled at her, taking her arm. Roman had been asking about Marlena for the last few hours. She led her down the hallway, saying, “He’s going to make a full recovery. The surgery to remove the bullet was straightforward–”

“–I don’t understand what happened,” Marlena cried softly, finally allowing herself to feel the emotions she’d been pushing back since she got the message that he’d been shot. “He was shot? By who? Was he working, was it something else?”

Carly hesitated, unsure if she should say anything. She was engaged to Bo, but this was a family matter. 

Marlena saw the hesitation in her friend’s eyes, and she said, “I’m going to find out anyway, so I think it’s best you tell me now, before I go in that room without all of the facts.”

“It was Kim,” Carly said softly. “Kim shot Roman.”

“Kim? No, that’s not possible–”

“–it is if she wasn’t herself.” Carly pulled Marlena into a nearby corner. “Kim’s been dealing with more than she’s told any of us, Marlena. Even Phillip knew and he was keeping it to himself. Kim is Lacey James.”

Marlena thought about Kim’s recent behavior, so out of character for who she was. The pieces started to fall together, as Marlena gasped, “No!”

Carly sighed, “Bo is beside himself. The whole family is, and Roman… well, Roman is refusing to press charges, but it’s out of his hands. The DA has taken over the case–”

“–where is Kim now?” Marlena asked.

“She’s down at the Salem Police Department.” Carly saw the worry etched on Marlena’s face. 

“I’ll have to go see her, but first I need to see Roman.” She turned, unsure of which room Roman was in.

“Room 601. I just left after checking his vitals,” Carly told her.

Marlena stopped walking, and took a deep breath. Her whole body was trembling. Her muscles were quivering, and twitching. She could barely draw in a shaky breath as she attempted to calm her overactive nervous system. Her flight from New York had felt like a lifetime. The cab was stuck in traffic on the ride from the airport. She took another deep breath to calm herself. “Is he awake?”

Carly smiled, “Go see him. He’s awake.”

Roman looked up when the door to his room opened slowly, and he saw Marlena standing there watching him. As if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, he said, “Hey, Doc.”

She rushed towards him, reaching for his hand, “Oh, Roman! Darling! I’m so glad you’re okay!”

Guilt overwhelmed him as he thought about their argument a few days earlier. He knew that the catalyst behind his anger had been himself, and his recent behavior. “Hey,” he said softly. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”

Marlena leaned over, wrapping her arms around him gingerly, as she whispered into his neck, “I could have lost you forever, and we argued. We can’t do that, Roman! We can’t!”

“No more arguing,” he promised with a smile. He wiped the tears from her face when she pulled back to look at him. He gave her a crooked grin, “We’ll have calm, rational discussions from now on.”

Marlena stared down at him thinking about Roman’s fiery temper, and she laughed, “Calm and rational, huh?”

“Aren’t I always?” he asked.

Pulling the nearby stool over to the bed, she sat on the cushion, and leaned forward, lacing her fingers through his. “What happened? Carly said it was Kim, but I’m so confused.”

“You should be the least confused of all of us, Doc. Multiple Personality Disorder… Lacey James is Kimmy. That’s why it took me so long to crack the case. I couldn’t believe what was right in front of me.” Roman allowed his head to lay back and rest on the pillow behind him, as he stared up at his wife. “I went over to her house… to confront her, or at least try and prove myself wrong, but she pulled my own gun on me. It was not Kim, Doc. Believe me when I tell you that.”

Marlena reached out, cupping Roman’s face. His distress was obvious, and she didn’t think getting himself worked up was going to be helpful. “I believe you,” she whispered.

“Now Abe says the DA is taking over the case, and she’s going to prosecute Kim. I know she is, and right now, Kimmy needs the whole family on her side.” He stared up at Marlena for a moment, “You know, Doc, maybe you can help. You’re a psychiatrist. She trusts you.”

With a gentle smile, Marlena told him, “I was planning to go over to the station after I saw you.”

“Good. Good. Doc, she needs someone right now. She’s so confused, and that Lacey James is doing a real number on her.”

“Is Lacey James the only personality?” Marlena asked.

Roman was silent for a moment, “You suspect there might be more?”

“There usually are.” She thought about the conference she’d just left. Memory and the brain, but there had been a session on MPD. Ironic really, since they found themselves in the current situation. “If there is one, there are usually at least one more, possibly several.”

“How would we even begin to sift through that?” The last thing he wanted was his sister going to prison for something he could have handled with more tact. Maybe if he hadn’t gone over there and confronted her, he wouldn’t have been shot. Abe was already forced to investigate how Kim was able to grab his weapon and shoot him with it. He still couldn’t put the pieces together himself.

A knock sounded on the door, and Roman’s gut clenched when he saw Taylor standing there watching them. Shit. He needed to end that. Whatever it was, he needed to end it. She started to back up, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You’re not McCall,” he said roughly. “Doc was just getting ready to go to the station and check on Kim, weren’t you?”

“Yes,” she said softly. She brushed her fingers across his brow, and then stood, leaning forward to kiss his forehead gently. “I’ll be back later. I love you.”

Roman could feel Taylor’s eyes on him. The last time he’d seen her was when he’d almost made love to her in the evidence room. Clearing his throat, he forced himself to look at Marlena. “I love you too, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees

Find a way to lie ‘bout a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd, but don’t be naive

Even heroes have a right to bleed

I may be disturbed, but won’t you concede

Even heroes have the right to dream?

And it’s not easy to be me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

His heart tugged him towards Haley’s room when he heard the soft sounds of her sobbing. Her door wasn’t open, but it wasn’t closed either. Slowly he pushed it wide, and watched her as she cried. She sat on her bed, with her arms wrapped around her knees, her face hidden by the long fall of her crimson hair. She looked young – much younger than her twenty seven years. How many times had he seen Carrie crying on her bed in that same position? His gut clenched. This wasn’t Carrie. This was someone that took care of his son, someone he knew felt more for him than simply a professional relationship. He should close the door, and walk away. He didn’t.

Haley knew he was there when she smelled his cologne. She wiped at her tears, embarrassed that he’d caught her when she probably looked her absolute worst. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I thought my door was closed.”

Drawn closer by her tear filled blue eyes, he said in a rough voice, “You wanna talk about it? Or do you want me to leave you alone?”

Her grandfather had just been diagnosed with cancer. She hesitated telling John at all, but the chances were high that she would eventually have to go back to Michigan. She stared up at him. She’d never known anyone like him. No father. No boyfriend. Her entire life had been her and her mother, until she came to Salem. Her big plan was to leave her small town and see the world, and she had somehow managed to fall in love with her boss. She stayed where she was, but turned to look out the bedroom window. “My grandpa’s sick,” she told him. “He isn’t much of a guy, but he is all I have as a father figure. He worked most of my childhood, and yelled at me when I blocked the television during M.A.S.H., but he’s mine.”

John stepped closer, “He’s sick?” She didn’t have to say what the man had, John already suspected what Haley was omitting, and that brought a different kind of pain.

“Yeah.” She laid her cheek on her knees, and closed her eyes. The sun was going down, and she could hear the sounds of the boats in the harbor, and the clanging of buoys. Somewhere down on the street below a dog barked.

“Hey,” he said softly, rubbing his palm over her back. He sat gingerly on the edge of her bed, “Haley, look, if you need some time off, we can work something out. I don’t want you to think you can’t go home.”

She lifted her head, slightly surprised that he was so close. Her stomach clenched, and then she said, “If I go home… I’ll never get out of there. I’ll be stuck in Michigan for the rest of my life.”

“You don’t have to be,” he told her softly. Without thinking, he lifted a lock of her hair, allowing the silken strands to run through his fingers as he pushed it back over her shoulder.

“My mom doesn’t have anyone else.” She shrugged, and then went back to looking out the window. She felt the heat of his body against her side, and she leaned into him a little. Not much, just enough to take the edge off of her pain. 

John felt her soft sigh, and he immediately knew he should leave the room. Isabella hadn’t been gone a month, and whatever was happening with Haley was because he was lonely. He dreamed of his wife every night. But he didn’t get up, and when Haley looked up at him with tear filled blue eyes, her face was so close he could count the freckles across her nose. She was in as much pain as he was, and so he leaned down and brushed his lips across hers.

Her breath stuttered in her chest, and her muscles trembled. She’d been kissed a few times, but she’d never allowed it to go any further. She refused to be the same as every other girl in her town, knocked up with no daddy in sight, but John’s lips against hers were soft and warm. He tasted like black coffee, and peppermint. Sighing softly, she leaned into him, licking across his bottom lip softly with a gentle moan.

His whole body was roaring at him for release, but he pulled back. Standing up, he said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Haley gave him a gentle smile, “I’m not. Thank you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Up, up, and away, away from me

Well, it’s alright, you can all sleep sound tonight

I’m not crazy or anything

I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive

Men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet

Diggin’ for kryptonite on this one way street

Only a man in a funny red sheet

Lookin’ for special things inside of me

Inside of me, inside of me, yeah

Inside of me, inside of me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kim sat in a metal chair in Abe’s office, deep in hypnosis. Marlena sat beside her, while Abe and the DA watched from across the room. Because of the potential for violence, another armed officer stood in the corner. Marlena sighed. In her job working for the Salem PD, she’d encountered so many cases, but never one that was so close to her heart. As soon as Kim had been brought up from holding, their eyes met, and Kim had started crying. She hadn’t been allowed to have any visitors, and no one had updated her on Roman. It had taken Marlena nearly fifteen minutes to calm her, and answer her questions. The fact that Kim was willing to go under hypnosis spoke volumes. She wanted to know what had happened with Randy Houston, just as much as everyone else.

Marlena touched her arm gently, saying in a calm voice, “Kim? Are you comfortable?” 

Kim’s head nodded slowly, “Yes.”

“I want you to take a deep breath. Let it out… good.” Marlena pulled her hand back, and said, “Take another. Uh-huh. Now relax your feet.” She watched Kim’s face, noticing the odd smile that seemed so out of place. “Relax your arms… relax your hands, and remember, you’re in a safe and secure place, where no one can hurt you.”

Kim’s head fell back slightly, and her lips parted as she whispered, “No one can hurt me. I’m going to be safe.”

Softly, Marlena whispered, “Lacey? Lacey, you can come out anytime.”

Across the room, Marlena saw the DA sneer as if she found the whole experience to be laughable. Marlena gave her a stern look, and then glanced at Abe. If the DA couldn’t remain professional, she could leave. Abe laid a hand on the DA’s arm, and whispered something Marlena couldn’t hear, but she was relieved to see the woman stand up straighter, and school her features.

To Kim she said, “It’s going to be perfectly safe. I promise you.” It was obvious that Kim was fighting it. Her head turned to the side, and her face looked frustrated. “You’re smart to fight it, Lacey. No one is going to try to trap you.” Marlena continued to speak to her in soft tones, waiting for some sign that Lacey was with them. 

Kim’s eyes opened, and her body relaxed as she leaned back in her chair and rolled her shoulders. With a serious look, she said “Oh, darling, you’re not going to trap me, because I’m the one in control now, aren’t I?”

Marlena’s eyes went wide. From the file she’d read, this was not Lacey. This was someone else. “Can you tell me your name?” Marlena asked her.

“Hello, Marlena,” she replied in a deep English accent. She wiped the tears from her face as if she were at an awards show – with elegance and grace. “Claire.”

She was right. Lacey wasn’t Kim’s only personality. Marlena glanced up in time to see the look exchanged between Abe and the DA. “Claire, I understand that you’re trying to protect Lacey right now, but it’s Kim that really needs your help… and your cooperation.” Marlena’s voice became firm, “Let us talk to Lacey.”

Claire smirked, “All right.”

Kim’s head rolled, and her eyes closed, as Marlena whispered, “Good.”

The woman who opened her eyes was not Claire. It was someone else entirely. Her hands started to flap, as she said, “Oh, G-d. So nervous, you know, in this kinda situation. You guys smoke?”

“Lacey?” Marlena asked quietly.

Kim looked at her, “I know you. Hiya, Doc. Hi.”

Marlena smiled, “Hello. Thank you for joining us, Lacey.”

With a careless wave of her hand, she twisted her hair around her finger, “Oh, yeah, yeah.”

Marlena studied her for a moment. “I want to help you.”

Lacey started laughing, “You’re here to help me? That’s a good one. I see right through you, Doc. You’re going to fish for a little info, huh?”

“I was hoping to get some information that would help you, Lacey.” Marlena leaned forward, looking into eyes that were so familiar, and yet she didn’t recognize them at all. “I want to hear your side of the story about what happened that night with Randy Houston. You have your side, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Kim said, leaning back in her chair. “You bet I do. Yeah, what happened was I had to stop the scum. Do you know what would have happened to Ms. Goody Goody two shoes if I hadn’t a stopped him?”

In a gentle voice, Marlena asked her, “What did you have to stop?”

Kim’s lip trembled, as she said, “I had to stop him from raping me. I kept telling him to take his hands off a me, but he kept pushing and pushing. He said I wanted it, said I was gonna like it…” Tears started to fall from her eyes as she cried, “Well, I didn’t want it, and I didn’t like it! It was just like with Uncle Eric all over again! I sure as hell didn’t like it with him, but I took it! I took it, and I took it over and over again for Kimmy because she was too little, and she going to fight him back!” Her fist shook, as she screamed at Marlena, “I’m the one that took it! But that night with Houston, I just couldn’t take it no more. I couldn’t do that.” 

Marlena glanced at Abe, and she knew she needed more details. As much as she wanted to end the session, she had to push Kim further. “So it was the same as it was with your Uncle Eric?”

“Yeah! He come at me with like this big knife, and he’s talking real big! He’s saying if I didn’t let him, he was gonna hurt me bad!”

“What did you do that night with Randy Houston, Lacey?” Marlena asked her.

“I fought him!” she screamed. “I kicked and I shoved and I pushed him away! And when I pushed him the knife went in his chest, and I was glad! Because nobody… nobody was ever gonna use us that way again!”

Abe felt the tears rolling over his cheeks, and he saw that Marlena was crying as well. Marlena looked at the DA and realized that even she was upset by the emotional outpouring from Lacey. Now they just needed to figure out what to do. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

I’m only a man lookin’ for a dream

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

And it’s not easy, ooh-ooh-ooh

It’s not easy to be me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Superman (It’s Not Easy) – Five For Fighting

Chapter 8 – Green is the Colour

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Heavy hung the canopy of blue

Shade my eyes, and I can see you

White is the light that shines

Through the dress that you wore

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The pub was bustling with the afternoon lunch crowd as Marlena sat at a small table in the corner. She was supposed to have lunch with Roman, but he’d canceled, telling her he was going to grab something quick at the pub. Hoping to catch him to at least say hello, she’d gone to the pub. Something was going on with the Stella Lombard investigation, and he wouldn’t tell her anything. In truth, he’d been quite secretive about it all. His days had been long, often coming home after midnight, and his mornings were early, since he was often out of the house before she’d even gotten the twins on the school bus. He wasn’t home for dinner, and he had no idea what was happening in anyone’s life except his own. She hadn’t even been able to tell him that Roger Lombard had kissed her, and that happened nearly two weeks ago.

She stared down at her lukewarm coffee with a sigh. Roger was her patient, and that’s all he was, although he’d made it clear he hoped for more. He was taking Stella’s death hard, and Marlena was worried that he might go back to drinking. She’d gone to his studio a few times to check on him, but the last time he’d gotten too close. She’d hoped to find time to speak with Roman about the kiss. Afterall she didn’t want any secrets between them. Admittedly, she’d put it off while Roman was in the hospital, but since he was released, finding the time for that conversation was almost impossible. It wasn’t something she wanted to discuss while Roman was rushing out the door in the morning, and it most certainly wasn’t a conversation she could have on those late nights when he came home and she was half asleep. 

The bell over the door rang, and she glanced up hoping to see Roman. A mixture of disappointment and pleasant surprise filled her. It wasn’t Roman, but it was John. As he scanned the room, his bright blue eyes caught hers, and a wide smile came over his face. He dropped the door behind him, and immediately started in her direction. “It’s always nice to see you, Doc.”

“What are you doing here?” she asked, surprised to see him on a Wednesday afternoon. He’d been burying himself in work recently to escape the pain of losing Isabella, and as much as she hated to admit it, there would come a point where he would be forced to face the grief.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he said. He reached up, loosening his neck tie, and then gestured toward the empty seat across from her, “May I?”

“Always.” She couldn’t help smiling up at him. She’d barely seen him or spoken to him since he’d left New York, and that had been almost two and a half weeks earlier. She’d dreamt the other night about waking up to John’s deep blue eyes. When she’d woken up, Roman had been watching her curiously, but he hadn’t said a thing except, “Morning, Doc.” Then he’d walked away, and finished getting ready for the day. 

John sat down, and tipped his head to catch her eye. “So, what brings you here on a Wednesday afternoon?”

Marlena sighed, and then gave him a careless shrug, “I was hoping to catch my husband. He’s so caught up in work we rarely see each other… but the longer I sit here the more I think I may have already missed him.”

“Ah, a few minutes on the fly with your wayward husband?” John asked with a grin.

Marlena laughed, “Something like that.”

The bell over the door jingled again, and Marlena looked towards it. A smile crossed her face as Roman entered the pub with Taylor right behind him. The other woman said something, and Roman laughed loudly, before glancing around quickly. She hadn’t missed him. She leaned towards John, placing her hand on his forearm, “I’ll be right back.”

His eyes settled on Marlena seated with John in a dark corner of the pub and he was immediately furious. Not that he hadn’t already been angry with her. Seeing her huddled up with her ex-husband just added fuel to his preexisting fury. The way she looked at him, and the way she touched his arm so gently – so fucking familiar. Their eyes met, and he turned away quickly. 

To Taylor he said, “Let’s grab our food, and head back to the station. I want to finish that report on the Flanders case, and then head down to Lombard’s warehouse over on 5th.”

Taylor noticed the awkward exchange between Roman and his wife. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t pleased to see the rift, although his wife seemed confused. Taylor wasn’t. She’d seen the surveillance footage that was retrieved from Roger Lombard’s studio. Roman had been silent as soon as he’d seen it, and Taylor had the good sense not to say anything about it. It was why he’d canceled his lunch with Marlena. 

John watched Marlena blink her eyes in confusion. 

She stood up, but then she glanced at him quickly, “Will you wait for me?”

“I’ll be here,” he replied. Catching the server’s eye, he waved them over, “Can I get a coffee? Black? Oh, and a refill for my friend? Thank you.” His eyes followed Marlena across the room as she approached Roman. The anger in Roman’s eyes was obvious as he turned to face her. What the fuck was going on?

“Roman,” Marlena said softly when she reached his side. “I know we couldn’t have lunch, but I’m glad I caught you. I was hoping to see you, if only for a few moments.”

“Doc,” he said briskly, turning towards the bar. He couldn’t even look at her, he was so angry. Images of Roger Lombard pulling her close, and his lips on hers filled his mind. He was literally vibrating with rage. “I can’t talk right now, and to be honest I don’t think I’d want to if I could.”

“I don’t understand,” she said softly. Why was he so angry?

Roman reached out, grabbing her upper arm, and he tugged her towards the end of the bar. Marlena followed him in shock. He leaned forward, his light brown eyes flashing with pent up rage. “I saw some interesting surveillance footage from the warehouse over on 5th Street this morning.” He wanted to roar when he saw her eyes widen a fraction. She knew what he was about to say, and it pissed him off even more. “I told you we’ve been building a case against Roger Lombard, and imagine my surprise to see you kissing him!”

Marlena barely felt the pinch of his fingers as they tightened on her upper arm. He’d seen Roger kiss her, which meant her trying to find the right time to tell him no longer mattered. “I was going to tell you about that.”

“Were you?” he asked her with a sneer. “And when the fuck would that have been?”

He was angry. He had a right to be angry, but he didn’t have the right to manhandle her. She pulled herself together, and shook off his hand. Brushing her hands over her skirt, she said, “I was, but we seem to only see each other in passing. It’s not what you think, Roman. He kissed me, and I immediately set him straight.”

“What I saw was another man kissing my wife!” he hissed. “You didn’t seem to be fighting him off exactly. Those surveillance videos have no sound, Doc, so I can’t say for sure what you said to him!”

“Roman.” She reached for his hand, and glanced around warily. John was watching them, and she saw that Taylor was as well. “Roman, can’t we discuss this in private?”

“I don’t have time. I’ve got to get back to work.” He glanced over to the table where John sat watching them intently. “Besides, it seems like you have another man already waiting for you.”

“Roman!” Marlena released his hand when he pulled away from her. “Roman, this is ridiculous. We’re supposed to be discussing these misunderstandings, remember?”

He glanced at her. She was right. He knew they should slow down and talk about what had happened, but then he heard Taylor behind him, “I paid for the food, Brady. I can go wait in the car if you need me to.”

Glancing over his shoulder, he said to her, “Nah, McCall. I’m coming.” To Marlena he said dismissively, “I’ll try to get home earlier tonight. We can talk about it then.”

“Roman…” She said his name weakly. It didn’t matter. He’d turned and walked away from her, leaving her standing alone at the end of the bar near the dart boards, as if he hadn’t turned her world upside down.

Flashes of the bruises on Marlena’s arm in New York come to John as he watched her argue with Roman. Roman’s hand on her arm, dragging her down the bar had his blood boiling, but he sat there waiting. He couldn’t get involved. Not yet. To anyone else it would seem like nothing more than a conversation in private, but John had the unwilling knowledge of what it felt like to be inside Roman Brady’s head. What he saw from Roman on the other side of the room was fury. Marlena would have new bruises by this evening, and that pissed him off even more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She lay in the shadow of the wave

Hazy were the visions of her playin’

Sunlight in her eyes

But moonshine made her blind every time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stared at Marlena across the table. She’s been reserved since she’d come back after Roman walked out. He waited for a moment, and then he asked her, “Does he do that a lot?”

She knew exactly what John was asking her about, and still she said, “Do what?”

“Ah, c’mon, Doc. Stop with the games,” he said in frustration. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“It’s not what it seems. He gets overwhelmed, and he doesn’t realize how tight his grip is,” she said in Roman’s defense. “Plus, you know how easily I bruise.” John continued to stare at her, and she waved him off, “It’s nothing.”

“I’m not sure you’d tell me if it was something,” he said. 

“John, can we please change the subject?” She couldn’t think about it. Roman grabbed her all the time. Any time he felt she wasn’t listening. She couldn’t even begin to tackle that. She gave John a hard stare, “Please?”

He backed off, throwing his hands up. Although the conversation wasn’t dead, he knew when to give Marlena space. Sighing, he said, “I’m thinking about moving out of the loft.”

That got her attention. Lifting her eyes from where she had been staring at the front window of the pub, she asked, “Really, John? Why?”

“It’s too much,” he said softly.

“The memories?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Doc.” Leaning back in his chair, he stared at her for a second before he said, “It’s too much to wake up in that bed everyday, or make coffee in the same coffeemaker. That probably sounds ridiculous, but–”

“–it doesn’t,” she whispered. “It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all.”

“I’ve been thinking about looking for a house. Maybe a cottage near the lake,” he said. “A place for Brady and I to start over.”

Marlena smiled a soft smile, and her eyes took on a faraway look. “Oh, I always admired the cottages out that way, although some of them are quite large to be considered cottages.”

“I’ve got some appointments to see some places with a realtor on Monday.” John realized how much more he would get from those viewings if he had her with him. “You want to come along? You have good insight, and you’ll be able to consider things I might not think of.”

“Oh, you mean like making sure the water pressure is right in the shower, and checking if the drains work properly?” She laughed, feeling the weight of her earlier argument with Roman lift slightly. “Monday, huh? What time?”

“Around noon. I mean if you have patients scheduled, I can go alone, but house hunting is always better with a friend.” He laid his hand on the table, palm up, and he waited to see if she would reach for it.

She did, lacing her fingers through his, and placing her other hand over the top. “I can rearrange some things. For Isabella…” she said gently. “…and for you… and Brady.”

John felt that familiar ache in his chest when he thought about his wife. Remembering a conversation he’d had with Isabella in Italy, he said abruptly, “Isabella loved you. Did you know that?”

Marlena stared at him, feeling that sharp pang of loss. She and Isabella had never been best friends, they never even been close, but Marlena had never doubted Isabella’s love for John. It was one of the reasons she was able to walk away in Mexico, knowing that John would be well loved, and his heart would be cherished. “What?”

“She loved you,” he repeated. “She had a hard time with the past, but in time she got over that. Actually, she was kind of glad, because of it… grateful to you really.”

“Grateful to me?”

“Yeah.” He leaned forward, making sure that Marlena was understanding him completely. “We had a… a lot of talks in Italy in those last couple of days. The kind of talks you only have when…” His voice trailed off, and she watched as he swallowed thickly, forcing himself to continue. “She said that she wished she could have always been in my life, but, since she wasn’t, she was glad that I’d had somebody… she was glad that it was you… because she knew that you were good for me.”

Marlena felt the haze of tears fill her eyes, as she whispered, “I’m touched. Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

He looked away, feeling slightly awkward. Glancing back into her eyes, he said softly, “I don’t know. I suppose I thought that maybe…” He sighed heavily, “I don’t know, Doc. It’s just one of those things you never get around to, you know?”

It was deeper than that. He hadn’t told her, because he was still struggling with the reality of Isabella’s death. Marlena took a deep breath, and decided to tell him what Roman had been angry about. “Roger Lombard kissed me.”

John sighed knowingly, “And that’s what Roman was upset about?”

Marlena nodded, “A couple weeks ago, and I–I didn’t say anything, because… I just haven’t found the right moment to tell him.” Tears filled her eyes, as she sat there feeling like she’d failed completely. It could have been prevented. Roman’s anger, the way he’d grabbed her yet again. If only she’d said something sooner.

“Hey, hey… Doc.” He reached forward, wiping tears from her face, “Hey. Don’t cry.”

“He’s been investigating Roger as part of Stella’s hit and run, and he – I didn’t realize he’d had surveillance cameras installed…”

“Shit,” he breathed. “He saw it?”

“Yes.” Her chest shuddered as she tried to release her breath slowly.

John looked around, and then stood up, reaching for her hand. This wasn’t the place for their conversation. “Let’s go.”

Her tear filled hazel eyes stared up at him. “Go?”

“For a walk on the pier,” he told her. “Just you and me. Like old times.”

She followed him out of the pub, and down to Pier 29 in silence. It wasn’t until the sounds of the river water splashing against the pilings hit her ears that she felt as if she could breathe again. She didn’t stop John when he took her hand in his. Glancing up at him, she said, “I wasn’t keeping it from him. Not intentionally.”

“I know you weren’t.” They continued walking in silence, all the way down to the end of the pier. John sat down, pulling Marlena down beside him. Staring out over the water he said, “I come here all the time you know.”

“I do too,” she said softly. “Although not in the last few weeks.”

“I kissed Haley,” he told her. He couldn’t even look at Marlena when he said it. “So I guess we’ve both been keeping secrets.”

“John…” She saw the sadness in his eyes, but there was nothing else she could say. Obviously it was too soon after Isabella’s death for him to even consider another relationship, but Marlena knew that wasn’t what was happening. Gently, she stroked her thumb over the top of his hand. “You’re lonely?”

He finally looked down at her with tear filled eyes, “I miss Izzy-B so much, Doc. I don’t know what to do, and that loft… every time I’m there I want to destroy everything. I want to throw things… I can’t live there, because every fucking brick in the wall is a memory.”

“I know, darling. I know.” Marlena’s tears started to fall, and she leaned against him, resting her face on his shoulder. His grief was her grief. She wrapped her arms around his, and she rubbed her cheek against his leather coat. Closing her eyes, she focused on the cool breeze whipping against her face, and the smell of John’s cologne swirling around her. 

John whispered, “I’m so fucking grateful to have you as a friend, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Green is the colour of her kind

Quickness of the eye deceives the mind

Envy is the bond between

The hopeful and the damned

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Green is the Colour – Pink Floyd

Chapter 9 – Under the Water

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Under the water we can’t breathe, we can’t breathe

Under the water we die

Under the water there is no one watching

Under the water we are alone

Then why do we jump in?

Why do we jump in?

Under the water we die

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Marlena entered Roman’s office at the police station, he completely ignored her. He continued to dig through a file as he stood in front of the filing cabinet. In Marlena’s mind that didn’t bode well for the direction of the conversation. He’d been avoiding her since the day before, and he had already left a message at her office that he would be working late. Deciding that they needed to discuss what had transpired between her and Roger in his studio, Marlena went to see Roman at work. “Roman,” she said quietly. “I need to talk to you.”

“It needs to wait, Doc. I’ve got a full agenda today.” He didn’t even spare her a glance. He walked towards his desk assuming that would be the end of the conversation.

Marlena closed the door gently behind her, “No. It can’t. We have to talk about what you saw in the surveillance footage.”

Roman sighed heavily. This was the last thing he wanted to do.  “Sit down. Pull up a seat.” He gestured behind him, and continued to read through his file.

Marlena felt small and insignificant. He wouldn’t even spare her a glance. He was completely disregarding her, and she knew why. He was hurt – both his feelings and his pride – but it was no excuse to treat her the way he was. “I wanted to speak with you about it this morning,” she said, sitting down beside him. “But you left so early I couldn’t.” 

She watched, and waited for him to respond. She wanted so badly to have this conversation, but he typed on the computer, and acted as if she weren’t there.

“Roman?” she asked, trying to get his attention.

“It’s still morning, Doc.” Realizing that he’d been rude he sighed again, “It’s just this Stella Lombard case.”

“I won’t delay you long.” Her voice was soft, and held a longing that surprised her. She wanted so badly for them to somehow recapture what they’d had before he’d left Salem, but she wasn’t sure that was possible. They’d been through too much. They’d experienced things they would each never understand. “I just wanted to explain what happened with Roger, and what you think you saw.”

“Think I saw?” Roman asked loudly. If Marlena was going to force a discussion, she was going to have to be willing to take his anger too. “Oh, I know what I saw, Doc. Abe saw it. Taylor McCall saw it.”

“It’s not as bad as it looked. It’s a simple case of transference. You know what that is. It’s when–when a patient attaches to the therapist, and thinks of those feelings as romantic.” Even as she rushed to get her words out, she saw the hard stare that Roman was giving her. “I don’t blame Roger. I blame myself.”

“Well, you should blame yourself!” he yelled.

Marlena sat back slightly, and stared at him in surprise.

“Look, Doc, anybody with half a brain could see the guys got a crush on you! Why couldn’t you?”

“I–I… I don’t know. I just didn’t see that,” she said softly. She hadn’t seen it, and maybe that was the most surprising part, because she liked to believe that she could normally read the situation better than she had. 

Roman shook his head in frustration, “Oh, my G-d! What I want to know is why you never told me?” He stood up in frustration, taking his file with him, and slammed it on his desk before he turned back to her.

“I waited for all of the obvious reasons,” she said, following him.

“The obvious reasons?” he yelled loudly. He saw an officer outside his door pause and glance inside. After meeting Roman’s hard gaze they walked away quickly. “What are the obvious reasons?”

“Because you’d be upset, and I considered it simply insignificant,” she said. “Also, you were in the hospital recovering from a gunshot wound. I didn’t consider it the best time to discuss it.”

“Oh! Insignificant? So why do we need to discuss this now?” He knew why. It was because he’d seen the surveillance footage. Had he never seen it, Marlena likely would have never said anything.

“I feel like… well, you only had half of the story, Roman. I wanted you to hear it from me,” she said.

“You know, at the art benefit it was obvious that Stella was insecure enough about her marriage, and now I know why!”

Marlena felt as if she’d been smacked. Roman’s words were designed to hurt her. “So, Stella was confiding in you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, she was, and she didn’t have to kiss me either!” He told her sarcastically. He went back to reading his file.

Marlena was done with his sullen attitude. She crossed her arms, as she stared at him for a moment. “I see. So, I’ll have to hear about this for a while, huh?”

He glanced up at her change of tone. “Look, Doc, believe it or not, I am not jealous. I just do not understand why you didn’t see this coming? You are the pro! You’re the psychiatrist! And yes, I did feel sorry for Stella, and I am upset with you, and to tell you the truth, I don’t know how I feel about Roger Lombard!” Roman reached for his jacket, dropping the file back onto his desk. He walked around Marlena, and started to pull his coat on.

She took a deep breath, and turned around. “Alright. Well, All I can do, I guess, is say that I’m… sorry. 

He couldn’t keep the vitriol out of his voice as he told her, “I appreciate you being honest with me, finally, but don’t you think the damage has already been done? I don’t think it’s going to do us any good to continue to talk about this thing, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some work to do.”

“Are you… are you dismissing me?” she asked him in surprise.

Roman paused with his hand on the doorknob, “I told you! I’ve got a very busy day ahead of me! Now, you wanna talk about this later? Fine! We’ll talk about it later, but right now, I’ve got a job to do!”

Marlena felt the tears rising up, and stinging her eyes. In a soft tone that did nothing to bely her strong emotions, she said, “Fine. You do your job.” She approached him, pushing his hand away from the doorknob, and she opened it herself, walking out.

Roman stood frozen in surprise watching his wife walk away. She was angry? She didn’t even have the right to be angry. He was distracted, and lost in his own thoughts when he felt a soft touch on his arm. Glancing up, he saw Taylor standing there beside him. Desire and arousal were instant. With a rough grunt, he said, “Get in my office, and close the blinds.”

Taylor smiled, but said nothing as she entered Roman’s office, and started lowering and closing the blinds. She heard the lock on the door flip. By the time she turned around he was shrugging off his jacket, and walking towards her as if he were stalking prey. She knew what was coming. He was angry at his wife, and she was an available distraction. Maybe someday he would love her, but in the meantime she was willing to engage in some fun.

Roman reached for her, pushing her up against the filing cabinet roughly, and then his lips were on her with a groan, biting her neck, licking over her ear. Part of his mind demanded that he stop. Was this an affair? It was only kissing, and yet he knew he was the biggest hypocrite in Salem to verbally berate Marlena, and then turn around and willingly do the same thing he’d accused her of. His tongue lapped over Taylor’s mouth, and he grunted leaning against her, “Open your mouth, McCall.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So many souls, that lost control

Where did they fall?

Into the deep, what do they seek?

Where did they fall?

Where did they fall?

(Where)

Hearts will dream again

Lungs will breathe in

Wash away the sins

It’s where it begins

Feet won’t fail you now

Arms won’t let you down

Wash away the sins

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena had gone home, changed her clothes and then set out for a run. She had several hours before she needed to pick up the twins from school, and she’d cleared her calendar for the day. Her emotions were running high, and she was lost in memories of her past with Roman. Had he always disregarded her the way he had that afternoon, or was this something that had developed during his time with Stefano? 

Her feet hit the pavement over and over again, but her mind was lost to time. The first time she had ever encountered Roman Brady. One of the darkest times in her life.

“Dr. Evans?” Gretchen asked softly. “Your new patient is here… Mr. Patrick.”

Marlena took a deep breath. Anxiety and fear had become her constant companions recently. Everytime her phone rang, everytime she turned a corner… even a knock on her door elicited fear. With a soft sigh, she straightened her clothes, and smoothed her hair. “Fine, Gretchen. Uh, send him in.”

Gretchen turned to the man behind her, saying softly, “You can come in now.”

Marlena glanced up to see a man with curly brown hair, and thick rust colored canvas jacket. Her attention was drawn back to Gretchen when she asked, “Dr. Evans is it ok if I go home now? It’s going to take me hours to get home in this rain–”

In exasperation, Marlena cut her off, “–I know. I would like you to wait though.” She glanced at the agitated man standing in front of her desk, and then told Gretchen, “Uh, and watch the phone’s because it’s Mr. Patrick’s first visit, and I don’t want to be interrupted.”

“Of course, Dr. Evans.” Gretchen gave her a quick nod, and then backed out of the room, closing it behind her softly. 

Marlena’s hazel eyes settled on Mr. Patrick, “Why don’t you sit down?” He settled himself into a chair without a word, and so Marlena said, “My secretary tells me that you were referred by Dr. Baird?”

“That’s right,” he said, rocking slightly in his seat. 

Marlena smiled at him warmly, “I don’t think I know a Dr. Baird. Is he an M.D.?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “Yeah, that’s right.”

His stare was so intense that it was a little unnerving, and she was already so heightened. He wasn’t very forthcoming, so she asked, “Were you having a medical problem?”

“Yeah, but, uh, he couldn’t fix ‘em, so he said that I should talk to you.” He smirked as if he’d said something funny. 

Marlena smiled warmly. Picking up her ink pen, she asked, “How old are you, Mr. Patrick?”

“Why? What difference does that make?” He started to raise his voice, “Listen, I don’t have time for all this, uh, junk. I need help.”

She stared at him for a moment, trying to get a read on him, and then she replied softly, “Alright. How can I help you?”

He sat back in his chair with a sigh, his eyes darting around the room. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. My wife left me.”

“Do you know why she left you?” Marlena noticed his hand trembling on the arm rest, but waited for his response.

His eyes seemed unblinking, and his stare was intense. “She said she was afraid of me. She kept saying that I was, uh, violent.”

“Are you violent?” she asked him softly.

His tone got low, “I don’t know.” Leaning forward he said louder, “But I never meant to hurt her, or anybody else either.”

Marlena felt herself start to tremble slightly, while still trying to maintain her professionalism. But in truth, she didn’t think she would be settled until the Salem Strangler was caught. Until then, any man she encountered could be the one who wanted her dead with a scarf around her neck. She’d spent so much time trying to be strong, that no one knew how truly afraid she was. She felt as if she were teetering on the edge of sanity. “Did you hurt her?” she asked him.

Carelessly, he responded, “I don’t know… uh, maybe I did.”

She was confused, “Are you saying you don’t remember if you hurt her?”

He shook his head as if he were confused, “No, uh, I remember. Uh, I guess I did hurt her, but, uh, I didn’t mean to hurt her.” His voice started to rise, “I–I didn’t want to hurt her!”

“What did you do?”

He leaned forward, “You’ve got to help me Dr. Evans. You’ve got to make me stop doing it!” 

He stood up, and turned away from her. Marlena stared at the door, seeing that her only exit was blocked. As calmly as she could, she said, “We all get angry… and sometimes it’s easier to blame it on somebody else, to lash out. But the truth is, we do have charge of our own feelings.”

He turned quickly, leaning forward, and pointing at her, “But that’s what makes me so mad! See? I am not in charge! My wife–”

“–how do you feel about your wife?” Marlena asked him quickly.

He sneered, “She’s trash. She’s a liar, and she is garbage! She tried to tell me that I tried to choke her once, but I didn’t do it.”

Marlena watched Mr. Patrick’s every twitch, and every movement, “You said yourself, that you were violent with your wife.”

Fury lined his face, and his hand shook. “I know I would remember if I tried to choke her, but I–I don’t remember.” Marlena stood up slowly, and started towards her office door. He asked, “Where are you going?”

She smiled pleasantly, while fear hid in her eyes, “I’m just going to check in with my secretary about something.” Opening the door, she went into the waiting area, and found Gretchen’s desk empty. She’d left. Stepping back inside her office, Marlena fought to control the tremble in her hand as she said, “I guess she stepped out for a moment. I’m just going to call the switchboard.” 

She felt it when he came to stand behind her, whispering close to her, “I guess the storm knocked out the phone lines.” He came even closer, “You’re a very attractive woman Dr. Evans.”

Slowly, she lowered the receiver from her ear. Her breath caught in her throat, as fear started to cause a freeze response. She was alone with him. The telephones were down, and Gretchen had left. Memories of her rape a few months earlier came to her. In a shaky voice, she said, “Thank you.” What she really wanted to do was run.

“I’m glad that you’re pretty,” Mr. Patrick told her. “There’s a reason that I picked a woman doctor, you know. A very special reason.”

She was too scared to turn around. She could feel his fingers playing with the strands of her hair, and she could feel his body heat inches from her. Finally she was able to ask, “Mr. Patrick? Why did you choose me if you’ve lost your trust in women?”

He chuckled softly, “Well, I didn’t pick any woman doctor. I picked you.”

Outside the thunder cracked, and Marlena jumped, turning quickly to face him. In an effort to get away from him, she pushed past awkwardly.

“What’s the matter, Doc? You, uh, nervous?”

“No,” she said. She was scared. “I’m not nervous. Why did you choose me?”

“Well, I, uh, heard you on your radio show. You sounded like you knew your stuff. I, uh, thought you could help me.”

She turned to face him, “I thought you said Dr. Baird referred you?”

He was past trying to hide his intentions. As if he hadn’t been caught in a lie, he said arrogantly, “Oh, yeah. He listens to your show too.”

“I see.”

“You know,” he said, coming closer again. “I bet you help a lot of sickos out there.”

She stared at him for a moment. “Yes. I try to.”

“You have a sexy radio voice, Dr. Evans.”

She glanced towards the open door to her office. She could run, but what if she was overreacting? What if he wasn’t the Salem Strangler? “I’m very glad you’ve been listening.”

“Oh sure,” he said. “My wife and I, we listen to your program all of the time. She gets a kick out of some of the calls that you get.”

Marlena closed her eyes briefly. A wave of nausea rolled through her. Facing him, she asked, “You and your wife listen? I thought you said your wife left you?”

“Did I say that?” He smiled.

“Yes.” 

He laughed lightly, gesturing towards his head, “Oh, yeah. Sometimes I get confused–”

“–which is it?” She stared at him, still trying to get a read on his intentions. If his intention was to scare her, he was succeeding. “Did she leave you? Or did she not leave you?”

He shoved his finger in her face, screaming, “Don’t push me, lady! I don’t like to be pushed! I don’t like getting caught in a lie. You’re a pretty sharp cookie, you know that?” 

Marlena tried to look away, but he followed her. Blocking her door, he said, “Very sharp. You don’t miss much, do you?”

“That’s what I’m trained for.”

He stepped into her personal space, “I knew I’d made the right choice. I knew it a long time ago, but when I heard your pretty speech today at the memorial service in the hospital chapel, that cinched it.”

She couldn’t stop her surprised reaction, “I didn’t know you were there.”

“Oh, yes. I was there. I liked what you said. ‘Her laughter won’t fill our halls anymore, but her memory will’.” He smirked at her, obviously enjoying her rising fear. “That was very nice.” She decided at that moment that she had to get away from him. Marlena ran for the door, but he followed her, blocking it with his body. He laughed, “Where are you going, Doc?”

“Who are you, and what do you want?” she demanded. Lightning flashed, and another crack of thunder sounded outside her window, but otherwise the room was silent. 

He pulled a pink scarf from his pocket with a sinister smile. As he wrapped the silk around his fists, he said softly, “I’m sorry Dr. Evans. Very sorry. You’re such a pretty lady.”

Marlena stumbled, falling forward, and landing in the gravel on her hands and knees. Disoriented, she looked around. How had she gotten up there? She must have run almost six miles. She stared down the road behind her realizing that she hadn’t even noticed when it had changed from asphalt to gravel. A sob tore free from her chest. 

Roman had been trying to prove a point. She knew that now, but she hadn’t known that then. She’d been riddled with nightmares for days after. Then he’d shown up on her doorstep, and refused to leave. Even going so far as to camp on her floor. Why had she allowed that? She knew the answer. She was panic stricken. She was afraid for her very life. So, even after he had triggered all of her trauma, she had somehow accepted him into her life. Turning towards home, she found herself even more confused than ever.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Under the water, we can’t be together

Under the water, we die

Then why do we jump in?

Why do we jump in?

Under the water, we die

So many souls that lost control

Where did they fall?

Into the deep, what do they seek?

Where did they fall?

Where did they fall?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John was driving home from another meeting with Lawrence and his lawyers when he slowed down. “Is that Doc?” he muttered to himself. He pulled his Jeep about twenty feet ahead of her, and put the vehicle in park. Throwing his door open, he got out, loosening his necktie. What he saw when he turned was a woman in pain. He stepped towards her, with his arms open, and she fell into them. “Doc, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

She cried. She wasn’t able to get the words out. It was as if her argument with Roman had brought up things she’d never wanted to think about again. It was several minutes before she spoke. “I argued with Roman.”

“That doesn’t explain why you’re nearly seven miles from home, sweaty and dirty,” he whispered, looking down at her. Marlena’s eyes were red rimmed, and her cheeks were hot, even though it was almost winter, and the air was cool. 

“I went for a run,” she whispered. “But I was distracted, and I lost track of how far I’d run.”

John stepped back to look her over. Her sweatpants were torn. Her knee was scraped, and when he looked at her hands, her palms were bleeding. “Hey. Hey… this is more than a distraction, Doc. What’s going on?”

Suddenly curious, she asked, “Do you… do you remember the first time I met Roman?” Did John remember it the same way she remembered it? He would recall it from Roman’s perspective. When she recalled that evening it brought her nothing but fear and anxiety. Maybe that was why she never allowed herself to think about it.

He looked into her hazel eyes. Something was happening with her, but he couldn’t be sure of what it was. Slowly, he said, “I remember.”

“Do you recall what he felt that night?” she asked.

John pulled her close again, holding her face against his chest. “Roman felt… he felt like you were being careless with your safety. He was trying to prove a point.”

She started crying again. “I don’t feel like he has ever taken me… or my profession seriously.”

“Where is this coming from?” he asked her, smoothing his hands over her spine gently. “What’s making this all come up for you now?”

“He said to me that I should have known that Roger was forming an unhealthy attachment to me. He insinuated that I was the professional. He said, ‘anyone with half a brain’, and I found myself wondering… had he always been so demeaning?” They stood in silence for several long beats, and then she wiped at her eyes, stepping back. “Gosh, I must look an absolute mess.”

John reached out wiping dirt, and tears from her face, “Marlena, you are always beautiful.”

A shy smile came over her face, “Thank you.”

“How about a ride home?” he asked her. “We can get you cleaned up. I can pick up the Twinners if you want?”

She followed him to the other side of the Jeep, and watched as he opened the door. It had been so long since someone had taken care of her. Lifting her hand up, she brushed the backs of her fingers across his jaw, before she climbed into the vehicle. Sensing she needed a friend, John reached across, and pulled the seat belt around her. 

Marlena laughed, “John, I can fasten my own seatbelt.”

“I’m taking care of you right now.” He smiled at her, and chucked her chin. In a teasing tone, he said, “Just enjoy the ride, baby.”

Something happened in an instant. Her chest constricted, and she felt butterflies in her belly. Glancing away, she whispered for the second time, “Thank you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hearts will dream again

Lungs will breathe in

Wash away the sins

It’s where it begins

Feet won’t fail you now

Arms won’t let you down

Wash away the sins

It’s where it begins

Hearts will dream again

Wash away the sins

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Under the Water – AURORA

Chapter 10 – Shoot the Moon

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The summer days are gone too soon

You shoot the moon and miss completely

And now you’re left to face the gloom

The empty room that once smelled sweetly

Of all the flowers you plucked if only

You knew the reason

Why you had to each be lonely

Was it just the season?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena sank into the fragrant bath with a sigh. The skin of her knees, and the palms of her hands stung as the warm soapy water hit them, but she didn’t care. It felt like heaven. She closed her eyes, but she was assaulted by more memories of the night she’d encountered Roman for the first time. It was as if she’d let one memory in, and the rest of them came crashing with it. She sank even lower into the water, feeling the bubbles hit her chin. Opening her eyes she stared at the wall, feeling so confused.

There was a knock on the bathroom door, and then she heard John’s voice, “I started a load of laundry to wash your clothes, although you might not want to save the sweatpants.” He glanced at his watch, “I’m gonna head out. Will you be okay?”

“John?” she called softly. She needed a friend, and she wasn’t ready for John to leave. 

“Yeah, Doc?” He waited, but she didn’t respond. He heard nothing but silence. He knocked again, and then cracked the door. “Doc?”

Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper, carrying hollowly across the room. “Do you remember thinking it was the right thing to do? To scare me that way?”

She’d been asking him questions for the last half an hour. He pushed the door wider, peeking in to make sure she was covered. She sat in the tub with bubbles up to her neck. She looked so sad, and confused. Glancing at his watch, he reassured himself that Roman wouldn’t be home anytime soon, and it was barely past noon, so there was still time before the twins needed to be picked up from school. He entered the bathroom, and sat on the floor with his back against the tub. He shouldn’t be in there at all.

“I have Roman’s memories, but you have to understand they are often fragmented, or hazy. I remember that night… I remember the look of terror on your face, and I recall Roman… being pleased that you were scared. But I think he was pleased because he truly believed that a lot of the decisions you were making opened you up to violence.”

“I couldn’t let it affect my whole life. I couldn’t stop living,” she said in her defense.

“You see? And I understand that, Doc. I understood that when I was Roman, and so many of my–my memories were so outside of what I would actually do, but I just assumed that with my amnesia… came new personality traits.” He was quiet for a moment, before he said, “It was wrong, you know. What he did to you that night. The way he spoke to you… even after Don came in, and punched the shit out of him.”

She sobbed, and gasped as Don held her in his arms. “It’s alright. It’s alright, baby. I want you outside. Wait outside the door. Go ahead.”

From the floor, Mr. Patrick said, “Cool it, Don. The lady can stay.”

Marlena and Done glanced over, watching as the man on the floor stood up massaging his jaw. Marlena was confused as Don said, “What the hell?”

“Where did a guy who sits behind a desk all day learn to throw a punch like that?” Mr. Patrick said.

Don walked towards him menacingly, as Marlena stayed hovering near the door. She didn’t understand what was happening, but she trusted Don to keep her safe.

“You lousy fucking bum,” Don whispered menacingly. 

Mr. Patrick gestured towards Marlena, “I was only trying to show her she needs protection, man.”

“You scared the woman half to death!” Don roared, gesturing towards Marlena.

“Yeah? Well, sometimes shock therapy is the only thing that works!” Roman yelled back.

“Well, you went a little too far! How the hell did you get in here anyway?”

“I made an appointment!” Mr. Patrick responded, glancing around Don to give Marlena a hard stare. He gestured wildly towards the door, “But, I could have walked in right off the street! Silk scarf, sneakers, and all!”

“I don’t give a damn about your silk scarf! I’ll shove the scarf down your throat!” Don stepped towards Mr. Patrick, screaming, “You’re out of line, Brady! You’re way out of line!”

Marlena’s eyes went wide, as she stepped around Don. “Brady?”

Roman glanced over at her, “That’s right, Doc. Detective Roman Brady.”

Her hands twisted in front of her, “I don’t believe this.”

“Well, I’m sorry if you don’t approve of my methods, but maybe now you’ll see how stupid you’ve been for refusing police protection. You’re one easy target lady.” He chuckled as if he found the whole situation morbidly amusing. Pointing his finger at her where she stood safely behind Don, he said, “And you’re very lucky you’re still alive!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And now the fall is here again

You can’t begin to give in, it’s all over

When the snows come rolling through

You’re rolling too with some new lover

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena smiled. “Don did punch him… Don was furious, even though by then I wasn’t his problem anymore.”

“Is that how you see yourself, Doc? A problem?” John turned around, leaning against the bathtub. “No one in your life has ever considered you a problem.” 

She sighed softly, wondering how much she could reveal to John. Allowing him into her life, crossing that emotional barrier that she held in place, she wanted that so badly. She needed a friend. She needed someone who would listen to her, and never pass judgment. That person used to be Laura, but Laura hadn’t spoken in years, although her family visited her every week. She used to confide in Eugene, but he and Calliope were on the other side of the country. Staring at John she realized how lonely she had been since her return to Salem. 

Slowly, as if she were still debating her words, she whispered, “I think… sometimes, Roman wishes I was the woman he married in 1984.”

“Doc, you are–”

“–don’t lie to me, John.” She stared at him with that stubborn look she had, and he was quiet. “Physically, yes. I am the same woman, but you and I both know… I’m not the same woman. Roman, he–he wants her back, and I’m… I’m just not sure that’s possible.”

John considered what she was saying. When Roman came along, Marlena had already suffered significant trauma. Her own sister had committed her to Bay View and taken over her life. Her child had died of SIDS at three months, and even though Don regretted his actions later, in his grief he had blamed her for their son’s death. John reached out touching Marlena’s cheek softly, and he watched as her eyes closed and she tipped her head into his hand. She had been through too much. When the Salem Strangler was stalking her, she was still reeling from her rape by Kellam Chandler. No, Marlena had never had an easy life, and what Roman had done to her that night, scaring her the way he had, was over the line. 

“You’re right,” he said gently. “You will never be that woman again, and because Roman was gone for seven years he wasn’t able to see you change. You went into your chrysalis and you emerged a beautiful butterfly, with strong wings… able to fly on your own.”

“I think he wants me to be weak. He wants me to depend on him.” She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of John’s fingers across her face too much. This moment between them was too intimate. Just like waking up together in New York. There was nothing going on, and yet if they were caught, no one would understand. 

“It’s going to take Roman time to adjust.” John pulled his hand back. “It hasn’t been a full year, Doc. It will take time.”

“I guess I forgot,” she whispered. He stared at her for a moment. Her cheeks were a soft blush color because of the heated water, and her damp hair curled in tendrils around her face. Those hazel eyes caught his, as she said, “I forgot that Roman likes to be right.”

She didn’t need to clarify. John had enough memories of Roman’s to know what she meant.

“Because that night, that first night…he did apologize for upsetting me… for scaring me…but it never felt… complete.”

Roman stepped forward pointing his finger at Don, “You know she’s been pretty damn uncooperative so far. You and Abe Carver have both struck out with her, and somebody needed to make her see the light. Now, I have some long-range plans for one Dr. Marlena Evans, and I wanna keep her alive.”

Don gave him a hard stare, “You’ve got some long-range plans, do you?”

Marlena could hear the jealousy in her ex-husband’s voice, and she saw a glint of humor in Romans. “Don’t get all steamed up. I’m not talking about social plans with your ex-wife.”

Don was angry. “I don’t like you playing games Roman–”

“–I only play games when they’re necessary! Like tonight!” Roman scoffed as thunder cracked outside. The rain continued to pelt the window, and Marlena found herself coming down from her adrenaline high, and just wanted to go home and sleep. Stepping towards Marlena, he said in a softer tone, “Look, I’m really sorry if I went too far, Doc, but you’ve got to admit that you’ve been wrong.” He pointed his finger at her, and said more emphatically, “You need 24-hour protection.”

He turned to walk out, and Marlena felt anger rise up inside her. How dare he? How dare he come into her office, her safe space, and make her so afraid? “Where are you going?”

Roman turned around, “To order you a guard.”

“No way!” she said firmly. 

Slamming her door closed again, he said in frustration, “You can’t be serious!”

“Then you don’t know me very well,” she told him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Will you think of times you told me

That you knew the reason

Why we had to each be lonely?

It was just the season

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John reached out again, tucking a damp curl behind her ear, and he whispered, “You know, Doc. What I remember clearly from Roman’s memory of that night, was how frustrated he was when you put your foot down.”

Marlena chuckled lightly, “He was angry. So was Don. Not that it mattered.”

“The thing is,” John said, making sure she was still paying attention. “My memories of Roman, even though they are full of stubborn views, and condescending attitude at times, one thing comes through very strongly. His love for you. Doc, he loved you so much. I wouldn’t lie about that.”

Marlena stared at John for several beats. She often found herself wondering if John had loved her of his own volition, or if his love for her had been because he possessed Roman’s memories. Her hand came out of the bath water, and without much thought she reached for him. 

He shivered when warm water trickled along his jaw, and down into the neckline of his dress shirt. He anticipated her question before she asked it. 

“Did you love me because you had Roman’s memories?” she asked him.

John smiled at her. “No. Did you love me because you thought I was Roman?”

“No,” she whispered. “No. Never.”

“I loved you because you were strong, fierce, independent, stubborn–”

“–stubborn?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said softly. “Stubborn. All of the things I found infuriating, and attractive. And then there was your intelligence, Doc. You are so fucking smart, and I loved that. I still love that about you. Don’t change who you are. Ever. Don’t become someone else.”

“Why are you saying this to me?” she asked, suddenly confused about his change of direction.

John reached for her damp hand, kissing her fingers softly. “Just promise me… promise me you won’t go backwards, and you won’t become the woman you think Roman wants you to be, because the woman you became… she’s pretty fucking amazing, too.”

His blue eyes were tugging at her heart, and she whispered, “Okay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Will you think of times you told me

That you knew the reason

Why we had to each be lonely?

It was just the season

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Shoot the Moon – Norah Jones

Chapter 11 – Seven Years

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Spinning, laughing

Dancing to her favorite song

A little girl with nothing wrong

Is all alone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena sat in her office, staring at the pen in her hand. Nothing more than a nondescript ink pen to most people, but it had been a gift from John, when he was Roman. He’d given it to her when she’d marked her tenth year at Salem University Hospital, and he’d saved it when she’d disappeared, and everyone had presumed her dead. Upon their return from Mexico, when he was trying to learn the truth of his past, and she was attempting to get her license back, he’d appeared in her office. She could clearly remember him pulling it from his pocket with soft whispered words, “I thought you might need this.” 

The navy barrel with gold embellishment was one of her most treasured possessions. Roman had asked her about it a few months earlier, and she’d simply told him it was a gift. She didn’t elaborate, and he hadn’t asked. 

She glanced up when there was a knock on her door. Her secretary was out for the day, and she had been managing her appointments on her own. It had been a hectic day, and she was sure she had missed calls, but there was nothing to be done for it. She couldn’t do both jobs. “Come in,” she said, standing up, and smoothing her skirt. She was rounding her desk when John poked his head in looking slightly frazzled. “John! What are you doing here?”

“Hey, Doc. We’ve got a bit of a situation, but I’ve got it handled. Sami’s school called me, I guess they couldn’t reach you or Roman, and I was never taken off of the emergency contact list. Sami hurt herself at school. Apparently she was on the merry-go-round, and–”

“–she jumped off?” Marlena interjected. She had just had a conversation with Sami a few days earlier about her escapades on the playground equipment. She was jumping off of swings, and catapulting herself off of the merry-go-round. 

John shrugged because he wasn’t sure how Sami had broken her arm. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I picked her up from school, and she’s in with Dr. Horton now. She knows I popped out real quick to track you down, but I think she’s broken her arm.”

“Thank you!” she gasped, rushing forward. She grabbed John’s face, “Thank you! Thank you!” 

John reached for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. “Let’s go.”

Marlena followed him from her office, down the hall, and onto the elevator. “Is she okay otherwise?”

“She’s in pain, a little scraped up, but she’ll be fine,” he reassured her. “I ran into Carrie, and asked her to keep trying to reach Roman at the station, and I left another message for him, but they said he’s in a meeting.”

Once they reached the ground floor emergency room, John stopped Marlena just before she went into the curtained area he’d indicated, “Whoa! Whoa, Doc. Hold on.” Pulling her off to the side, he wiped at her eyes, and then fixed her hair, and her jacket. “There. No need to go upsetting Sami anymore than she already is.”

“Thank you,” she whispered. 

“No problem.” He smiled, and then grabbing her shoulders, he turned her towards the curtain. A quick swat on her backside, and he pushed her forward, “Now go.”

Marlena laughed, “John!” but then, she stepped around the curtain to find Sami sitting on a gurney with a popsicle in her hand, and Dr. Horton wrapping her arm. Sami’s hair was a mess, her ponytail somehow on the side of her head with clumps of hair sticking up. She was dirty, and her hands were scraped, but otherwise she was well. “Oh, Sami! Darling!” 

Her daughter looked up at her with bright eyes, “I broke it! Not on purpose though. I was on the merry-go-round, and I fell off. But, I didn’t jump off, ‘cause you said I’m not ‘upposed to.”

Marlena cupped her daughter’s face in her hands, “That’s all right.” She looked over at Tom, “It’s just her arm?”

“Just the arm,” he said. He finished wrapping it, and then said, “She’ll need to be back in a week for another x-ray, and then a cast, but as you know we need the swelling to go down before we can do that.”

John stepped inside, “I tried to call Roman again, but the station took another message.”

Sami looked at her Daddy with wide blue eyes. He was her favorite person, and then Eric, and everyone else came after Eric. Her heart swelled when he looked at her, “Does it feel any better now, Peanut?”

She felt almost shy. When he’d arrived at her school she’d been crying, and in a lot of pain. Then the nurse brought John into the room, and she’d been confused. He wasn’t her daddy anymore, and he didn’t visit, but then he said he was going to take her to the hospital. “It feels better,” she whispered softly, still watching him with big eyes. She wanted him to stay with her forever.

John turned to Marlena awkwardly, “I guess you’ve got things handled. So, I’m going to go–”

“–Daddy, no!” Sami cried. “I don’t want you to leave!”

“Whoa. Whoa. Peanut, I’ll see you again,” he said quietly, brushing his palm over her hair. “I promise.”

“You won’t! You won’t! Mr. Patrick won’t let you, and you’ll never come back!” Sami wobbled on the gurney, trying to get up and hold onto him. Her arms wrapped around his bicep, as she cried, “Daddy!”

John glanced at Marlena helplessly, and saw her standing there with her hand over her mouth as if she were holding back her own sobs. Reaching for Sami, he pulled her small body into his lap, and he whispered, “I’ll stay, honey. Just for a little bit.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Eyes wide open

Always hoping for the sun

And she’ll sing her song to anyone

That comes along

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John carried Sami to the couch, and leaned over to set her down. With a chuckle he said, “You gotta let go, Peanut.”

“You’re not gonna leave?” she asked him softly. He’d left before. He’d put her to sleep, and the next day he didn’t live there anymore. All of his stuff was gone, and she had a new daddy. 

“I’m not going to leave right now,” he replied.

She stared at him for a moment, and then released his neck. “Will you stay until Eric gets home?”

John sank into the couch beside her, and loosened his necktie, assuming he was staying for a while. Marlena moved around behind him quietly, and he tried to catch her gaze. She glanced his way quickly, and then moved into the kitchen. She didn’t seem to have an answer for her daughter either. He wrapped his arm around Sami, and he whispered, “C’mere and give me a snuggle.”

“I missed you,” she whispered curling into him. She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. He smelled the same. Just like her Daddy.

Marlena stood near the doorway to the kitchen. Sami’s quiet words almost broke her heart.

“I miss you too, Sami girl. So much.” John kissed her blonde hair, telling her, “I think about you and Eric, and Carrie every single day.”

She looked up, “Then how come you left us? If you miss us, why did you go away?”

He felt that tell tale ache in his chest when he thought about the turn his life had taken. “Ah, you see, sometimes things with adults can get very complicated. Do you remember what complicated means?”

Her small face scrunched up for a moment, and then she said, “Hard, and not easy.”

“That’s right!” He chucked her chin with a click of his tongue. “You see sometimes things can be hard for adults too, and when we found out that I wasn’t your daddy, well, I had to step away.”

“‘Cause Mr. Patrick made you?” she asked.

It hurt so much, but he found himself defending Roman to protect Roman’s relationship with his children. “Your father… he wanted some time with you. He wanted a chance to get to know you and Eric–”

“–no!” she said loudly. “No! He’s mean. He’s mean, and he hates you, and I hate him!”

Marlena stepped from where she was standing. She was surprised to hear Sami speak that way. “Samantha Gene!”

Sami started crying, mostly from frustration. She buried her face in John’s chest, and her small fist clenched in the fabric of his shirt. In a panic she sobbed, “Don’t leave!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fragile as a leaf in autumn

Just fallin’ to the ground

Without a sound

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena sighed gently. “She wants to watch a move with you… and if you have the time–”

“–Doc, I’ve always got the time,” he told her. “I’m just… I’m not trying to step on Roman’s toes, or cause problems in your marriage.”

“Stay,” she whispered. “Stay. Watch E.T. with her, and…wait here until I pick Eric up and bring him home.”

“Marlena…” He stepped closer, reaching for her hand. Glancing over at Sami, he watched her dig through the VHS tapes with her one functioning arm, and then he looked down at Marlena. He wanted to stay. He wanted to cuddle Sami on the couch, and spend some time with Eric. He wanted it so much, and he hadn’t allowed himself to want much over the last few weeks, but he wanted that. 

“I’m going to see Roman at the station, to let him know about Sami, and then I’ll pick up Eric. Stay. Please? Let Sami spend some time with you,” she said softly. She touched his jaw, “I’ll be fast.”

“I found it!” Sami yelled excitedly. She stood up, waving her hand in front of her with the VHS tape of E.T. in her hand. 

John smiled. How many times had they watched that movie in the months before Marlena’s return? They had even watched it together as a family once she was home. 

Marlena was walking by him towards the door, and she said quietly, “She’s refused to watch it since Roman came home.”

He wasn’t sure what to say in response. Perhaps he didn’t need to say anything at all. His eyes caught and held Marlena’s. He gave her a sad smile and a brief nod, and then she was out the door. He walked around the couch, sitting down, and he kicked his shoes to the side. Reaching for Sami, he said, “Get over here, Peanut.”

Happier than she could ever remember being in her whole life, Sami climbed into his lap, and rested her cheek against his chest. She smiled as she said, “Do you remember the part with the Reeses Pieces?”

“That’s the best part,” he told her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Crooked little smile on her face

Tells a tale of grace

That’s all her own

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena pushed the door to Roman’s office open, and was surprised to find him huddled together with Officer Taylor McCall. They separated immediately, but Marlena saw a glimpse of guilt in Taylor’s eyes. It was no surprise that the woman had a crush on Roman. She had since he’d returned to Salem, but she was getting obvious about it more recently.

Roman cleared his throat, and closed the file in front of them. Standing up he said, “Hey, Doc,” in his most casual tone.

“I need to speak with you,” Marlena said firmly. She glanced over at Taylor, and then back to Roman, saying, “Alone.”

Looking over at Taylor, Roman said, “Thanks, McCall. We can discuss the rest of this later.”

Marlena watched some sort of silent communication pass between the two of them. She didn’t understand it, but it was over just as quickly as it had happened. Taylor left, closing the door behind her carefully. Marlena’s hazel eyes landed on her husband, “What was that about?”

Roman began to shuffle papers on his desk, “What?”

Marlena paused, watching him closely. Maybe she had imagined it. Roman stopped moving, but then his eyes flicked quickly before coming back to hers. Marlena asked him, “Are you keeping something from me?”

Guilt was his constant companion, but he sighed heavily as if she were frustrating him, and he said “Look, Doc. I just don’t think you want to discuss this case I’m building against Roger Lombard. I know he’s your pet project.”

It was another example of how Roman saw the work she did as inconsequential. He was minimizing her value, and the value of her profession. She took a deep breath. I am not here to argue with him. Taking a deep breath, she asked, “Sami’s school called, and left a message. Did you get it?”

“I got it, Doc, but I figured you’d handle it,” he told her.

“So, you ignored it,” she stated.

“I told you. I’m really busy.” He couldn’t understand why Marlena was coming to the station to make a big deal out of nothing. She had obviously handled it, just as he thought she would. “And I knew they would call you.”

She was furious. What he’d done was reckless. What if the school hadn’t been able to get a hold of John? “They did call me, but my secretary was out today, and I was in a session with a patient.”

Roman looked up at her in confusion. “So they called Ma and Pop?”

“No. They called John. John was the one that drove to her school, picked her up, and took her to the hospital! John was the one to take the elevator to the 6th floor, and come to my office and find me.”

“John! Why the hell is the school calling John?” Roman yelled.

Softly she replied, “He was still listed on her emergency form.”

Roman stared at her, “You didn’t update the school forms?”

“Well, I did, but the school didn’t update it in their filing system. It was a simple mistake, but I’m grateful for it. John picked her up… she’s safe and she’s home resting.”

As if it was an afterthought he asked her with narrowed eyes, “Who’s with her now?”

Roman’s jealousy was exasperating. With a soft sigh, Marlena replied, “She’s watching E.T. on the coach with John.”

Roman leaned over his desk, “And why the fuck is John Black on my house?” He stood up, and stalked around his desk, pointing his finger in her face. “I don’t want that man in my house or with my kids!”

She lost her patience. “Our daughter broke her arm, Roman! Neither you or I were available, but John was. He left a board meeting, he drove across town, and he was available! Don’t allow your jealousy to overshadow that!”

Roman threw his arms in the air in frustration. “Fine! Fine! But then, it should have been done, and over with. He did his good deed for the day, so why is he still with her? Why is he still in my house?”

Marlena couldn’t stop the choked sound she made as she tried to hold back her tears. Seeing Sami so panicked at the hospital nearly broke her.  “Because! Our daughter sobbed when he tried to leave! She begged him to drive her home, and she pleaded with him to watch a movie with her!” She brushed at her tears furiously, and wished she could stop them from falling. “Roman, she misses him–”

“–we agreed that I would get some time with them! How can they learn to accept me as their father if you keep dragging John back into our lives?”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?” Marlena asked him. “Roman, it’s been almost a year!”

“His wife died, Doc! Ever since Isabella died, all you do is talk about John. You rearrange your schedule at work, your forcing him out to social functions, and now he’s sitting on my fucking couch with Sami!” Roman stepped closer, “C’mon, Doc! Tell me you see this?”

“What I see,” she told him, “is a man who raised our children for five years. He lost the only family he knew, and now he’s lost his wife. All he has left is Brady! Today, Sami was hurt, and she wanted him… she wanted to spend time with him because she misses him!”

“He’s not her father! I am!” he roared.

Marlena felt the hot tears as they continued to fall, “I know that! I know that… but what does it hurt, Roman? Who is hurt by allowing them to spend some time together?”

“I’m telling you, I don’t want him in my house, or spending time with my kids! Do you understand that?”

She gave Roman a long stare. John’s words echoed in her mind, Don’t become someone else. It would be so easy to give in to Roman. Let him have his way, and the argument would go away, but she didn’t. Softly she said, “You’re telling me? Roman, this marriage is a partnership. A partnership. That house is our house, and the children are our children. We make decisions together, but you do not tell me anything.” She watched surprise and fury at war in Roman’s eyes, and she waited to see if he would respond. When he didn’t she said, “I’m going to pick Eric up from school. Will you be home for dinner?”

Roman’s voice was laced with sarcasm, “Well, you see, I’m not sure, Doc. Seems to me you already have a man at home.”

She was exhausted, and unwilling to play his games. “Roman. Can we be adults about this?”

“I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’ll probably be working late,” he said walking back to sit at his desk. “I’ll grab something at the pub.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fragile as a leaf in autumn

Just fallin’ to the ground

Without a sound

Spinning, laughing

Dancing to her favorite song

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I’m sorry Sami broke her arm,” Eric said as Marlena finished unfastening his seat belt. “That’s weird too, ‘cause she wasn’t even doing all the crazy stuff. She was just playin’ regular.”

“Sometimes accidents simply happen,” Marlena said gently. Eric started to run towards the house, but Marlena called him back, handing him his backpack. Leaning down to his level she grinned at him.  “I have a surprise for you in the house.”

Eric stared up at his mom, “What is it?”

She laughed, taking his small hand in hers, and squeezing it. “It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you.”

Eric picked up his pace, “Does Sami know the surprise?’

Marlena laughed, unlocking the door. “Sami spent most of the day with the surprise.”

Just as she pushed the front door open, John came out of the kitchen with a large bowl of popcorn, “Samantha Gene, I’m not sure we should be eating popcorn this close to dinner, but what your mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her–”

John immediately shut up when Marlena’s laughing hazel eyes caught his, and Eric screamed at the top of his lungs, “Daddy!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She’s a little girl with nothing wrong

And she’s all alone

A little girl with nothing wrong

And she’s all alone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Seven Years – Norah Jones

Chapter 12 – The Only Promise That Remains

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When the ground beneath you you starts a-shaking, shaking

And you forget the place we came from, came from

When you’re lost and looking for a way home, your way home to me

I’ll come out and find you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Boxes were everywhere – Brady’s room, the kitchen, the living room. John scanned around the large room feeling slightly overwhelmed. It was an open concept. The main living area easily transitioned into the kitchen. The island in the kitchen was stacked with boxes labeled “pots and pans” and “kitchen miscellaneous”. He had Hailey to thank for the organization. If he had been left to his own devices it would have been much more chaotic. Hailey stood off to the side with Brady tucked in her arms. She stood in a shaft of the late morning light, and it lit her hair up with sparks of strawberry blonde and deep auburn. John shook his head slightly to clear his distraction. He had been distracted a lot lately. Glancing back over at Hailey he found her intense blue gaze on him.

Realizing she’d been caught staring, she started to blush. “I was going to put Brady down for a nap, and then start unpacking the nursery,” she said quickly. She could feel the heat rising up the column of her neck.

John couldn’t deny Hailey was beautiful. He looked away. His emotions were so mixed up that he knew he wasn’t thinking straight. He’d been having dreams about Hailey, and then he would wake up and sob himself back to sleep. The guilt was overwhelming, and the loneliness was intense. He glanced away from her, “That sounds like a great idea. Thank you. I’m going to tackle this kitchen. It seems like the best place to start.”

Brady laid his head on Hailey’s shoulder, yawning widely. John crossed the space between them, and then brushed his fingers across his son’s soft cheek. Hailey could almost imagine those fingers touching her. When John looked at her she almost melted on the spot. Her lips parted, and she silently exhaled. John stepped back quickly, seemingly caught off guard. Clearing her throat she said awkwardly, “I’m going to get started.”

John watched her walk away, and he released his own held breath. He was lonely. He was incredibly lonely, but the thought of moving on after Isabella was impossible to think about. She’d barely been gone for two months. Eight weeks without her, and he was still pushing those deep emotions to the side. Marlena was right. He had to give into the grief, to feel it, but he wasn’t ready. Not yet.

With a heavy sigh, he rolled his shoulders trying to loosen the tension that seemed to reside there permanently. John rubbed his hands over his face, and then looked around the room, mumbling, “Get to it, John Black. This house isn’t going to organize itself.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When the world around you starts a-moving, moving

And you should wonder if I still love you, love you

If you feel a darkness coming, rising inside

I’ll make the light to guide you back home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

John had been working steadily for more than thirty minutes when he startled to the sound of the doorbell. He had no idea who would be there on a Friday afternoon. He’d mentioned the move to Shawn the other day at the Pub, but that was just in passing. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was only slightly past lunch, and as if to remind him, his stomach grumbled loudly.

Outside his door, Marlena stood with Eric and Sami, and two pizza boxes in her hands. She should have called ahead, but after Roman was a no-show, and then called to cancel their plans, the twins had asked to see John. She was still hurt, trying to process her husband’s carelessness. The twins were out of school because it was a teacher’s workday. They’d been planning this day for weeks, and Roman had let them down yet again, but as she glanced down at Sami and Eric, they didn’t seem disappointed to find themselves at John’s front door instead of a family outing to a local farm to see how maple syrup was made. She sighed. It would have been a wonderful learning opportunity for Sami and Eric. She remembered taking Carrie when she was their age, but Roman had been different then. He’d been more involved. 

His canceling that morning had hurt her deeply, because his carelessness and his complete lack of empathy to her emotions said more than his words ever could. She was not a priority. His family was not a priority. And what did it mean when Sami’s eyes had lit up moments after Roman left the house, and she asked excitedly, “Can we go see Daddy’s new house?”

Eric started to bounce on his toes, “Yeah! I wanna see it!”

Marlena knelt down, sighing softly. They were calling John Daddy all of the time out of Roman’s earshot. It was going to lead to problems. “John isn’t your father. I know you love him, and you’re allowed to love him, but Roman is your father.”

Eric’s face fell, “It feels weird.”

“What would you like to call him?” she asked them, wanting to see if they had a solution. She wanted them to feel a part of the conversation, because ultimately it was their relationship with John that mattered. 

“Daddy.” Sami stared at her with defiant blue eyes. “Because he’s our Daddy.”

Marlena asked softly, “Can you think of something else?” The psychiatrist within her was trying to find a way that would cause her children the least amount of pain. They’d already lost the man that raised them. John had put them to bed, and been forced out of their daily lives before they were even asleep. 

Eric had been silent for a while, and then he asked, “Can we call him Papa? Shawn D calls Uncle Bo, Papa.”

It occurred to her that Roman would be angry, but again, John’s words echoed in her mind. “Don’t change who you are. Ever.” She looked into her children’s faces, and she decided to do what was best for them. It didn’t matter that Roman would likely be angry, and jealous. She had two seven year old children who depended on her, and they were hurting. 

Smiling at them gently, she whispered, “Papa will be fine.” They cuddled into her.

“I love you, Mama,” Sami said softly. 

“Me too,” Eric echoed. “I love you so much.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And after all the sky has fallen down

And after all the water’s washed away

My loves the only promise that remains

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Glancing down at the twins, she couldn’t deny their happiness. Sami lunged forward, unable to wait for John to answer the door, and she rapped loudly, while saying in a sing-song voice, “Hello? We came to visit–”

The door swung open, and John stood there with a wide smile. “What did I do to deserve this?” His eyes met Marlena’s, and she saw that he already knew. They’d discussed her plans for that day, and the mere fact that they were standing at his door made it obvious that Roman had canceled once again.

Sami walked into John’s new home as if she’d been there a hundred times before. “We wanted to see you!” she said gleefully. Marlena laughed as she put the pizzas on the countertop.

Eric smiled, looking shy, even though he’d seen John a few days earlier. “I like your house Daddy–” He stopped, and looked at Marlena with wide eyes. She gave him a small nod, and he said to John, “Papa. Mama said we can call you, Papa.”

John’s heart swelled. He scooped Eric up. “C’mere, Slugger. I like Papa… I think that suits me just fine.”

Marlena saw him looking at her, and she felt that odd flutter she’d felt the other day when he’d found her out running. Only John could ever do that to her. She reached out, touching his arm gently, and he mouthed, “Thank you.”

“We’re here to eat pizza, and help you unpack!” Sami said, pulling on John’s arm. “And Uncle Bo said he didn’t even know you bought a house, but he might come with Shawn D and help too!”

John started laughing, “So, that’s why you brought so much pizza?”

“I’m sorry,” Marlena told him. “I stopped by the pub really quickly, and Eric mentioned we were heading over here, and then Shawn mentioned that you’d said you were buying a house… and well, now I’m pretty sure you might end up with more than just Bo and Shawn D.”

Setting Eric down, John reached for her, pulling her into the shelter of his arms. He didn’t know what to say. The loneliness that sat in his chest with a constant ache suddenly felt less constricting. Just like Isabella’s death, he tried not to dwell too much on what he’d lost since Roman’s return to Salem. He took a deep breath, smelling lavender and chamomile. Two scents that would always remind him of Marlena, “Thank you.”

She closed her eyes for a moment, giving herself the briefest opportunity to relish what it felt like to be held by him, before she pulled back and stared at him with a smile. “You already said that.”

“I know,” he told her, letting her go. He wasn’t going to think about how bereft he felt the instant she stepped away. “But I felt it beared repeating.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When your doubts have got you thinking, thinking

Nothing’s ever really sacred, sacred

And you’re afraid you might believe it, believe in me

And I’ll give you a reason

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman stared at the evidence in front of him with frustration. Roger Lombard had a solid alibi for the night his wife died. He was innocent. His wife, however, was not. She’d stolen Marlena’s date book, switched telephone numbers around, changed messages, and prepared the basement area of her husband’s art studio in a warehouse to house Marlena indefinitely – all in a twisted scheme to try and win back Roger’s heart. Roman couldn’t help the sneer of frustration on his face. By all intents and purposes, Stella had planned to kidnap Marlena the morning she was supposed to leave for New York. Marlena being forced to leave early had probably been what saved her, and killed Stella.

“Are you going to tell her?” Abe asked him, trying to gauge Roman’s reaction.

Roman gave him a sharp look, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Abe sighed, “It’s been weeks Roman. You haven’t mentioned any of this to her.” 

Roman waved him off, “She knew I was investigating Roger Lombard.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it,” Abe replied.

“Stella wouldn’t have gone off the deep end of sanity if Marlena had been so personally invested in the woman’s husband!” he yelled with frustration.

“Marlena was doing her job.” Abe leaned against the desk, and stared at Roman with hard eyes. “She’s the best psychiatrist we’ve ever had working for us. She’s got innate instincts. You need to let her know about this.” 

Roman scoffed, “Look, I don’t see what telling her all this now is going to do!” In truth it ruined his narrative. The story he’d built up in his mind of Stella being a victim, and Roger being a predator. The story where he’d imagined that he was right, and Marlena was wrong.

There was a knock on the door, and Roman walked towards it, as if his conversation with Abe was over. Abe saw Taylor McCall standing there looking decidedly uncomfortable. He glanced over at Roman. Something was going on with those two, and he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. Before he left the room, he told Roman, “If you don’t tell Marlena, Roman. I will. She works here. The Lombard case was hers. She deserves to know.”

Roman started to protest, “I don’t see–”

“–you tell her, or I do.” Abe said firmly. “I’m sure she’d rather hear it from you, since it was your investigation that cleared her patient of wrongdoing.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

‘Cause the world around us keeps on moving, moving

And there’s no doubt that I still love you, love you

So when you feel the darkness coming, rising inside

I’ll make a light to guide you back home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was getting late. Eric and Sami were in Brady’s room with Hailey, helping her get Brady ready for bed. The day had been busy. Full of laughter, and family. Bo had come by with Shawn D. He was mourning his failed relationship with Carly, now that she had left Salem with Lawrence and Nicholas. Not that John was upset that his brother had moved to Europe. That simply meant that he only had to concern himself with Vivian, and in truth he considered her eccentric but ultimately harmless – at least to him. Kim had also stopped by with Phillip. She was quieter than usual, but Marlena knew she was also struggling mentally while trying to live a normal life. They continued to work in therapy to get either Lacey or Claire to come out again. If they were going to keep Kim from being convicted of killing Randy Houston they needed evidence of Lacey or Claire. Even Shawn and Caroline had stopped by with a large pot of chowder, and a couple loaves of Irish soda bread.

John poured some coffee in a mug and measured out some cream and a half teaspoon of sugar, before sliding it across the kitchen island towards Marlena. She lifted it slowly, taking a sip, before she said thoughtfully, “You know, Hailey seems to be developing feelings for you.”

He was silent for a long time, before he said, “Having her living with me has been a godsend, but there are times when things are decidedly… awkward.”

“Are you developing feelings for her?” she wondered.

“No… no. It’s just we’re alone a lot, and I’m trying to be a good father to Brady–”

“–you haven’t really fully dealt with Isabella’s death,” Marlena said softly. “A relationship right now would be a mistake.”

“I know that… I know that.” He sat down beside her, sliding his stool so that their knees bumped, and he watched her for a moment. Marlena was his best friend, and he had no one else to talk to about what was going on in his mind. “I still wake up at night and reach for her, you know? I still forget that I can’t turn to her and tell her about something new that Brady has learned to do, and I feel so empty. There are moments… quiet moments when I feel drawn to Hailey because I’m lonely.”

Marlena put her mug down, and reached for his hand. “John, it is normal to crave human contact… touch. We’re wired that way. Everything you’re feeling is a normal part of grieving.” Her fingers laced through his, “I worry about you.”

“I’m fine, Doc.”

“Why are you lying to me?” she asked. “John, I know you better than anyone. Don’t lie to me.”

Pulling his hand away, he stood up quickly, pushing his stool back, and he took his empty mug to the sink. Without meeting her eyes, he told her, “I kissed Hailey again… last night.”

“John…” Marlena stood up, and followed him. She worried about him so much. Placing her palm lightly on his chest, she said, “I don’t want you doing something you might regret. You have to work through this grief before you even consider–”

“–I know,” he whispered, staring down at her. “I know. I’ve tried to read the letters Isabella left me, and I can barely get past the first few lines. She made special videotapes for Brady and myself, but I can’t watch them. I’ve only been able to watch the one she left behind for friends and family. I know I need to work through this–”

“–burying yourself in work, and the renovations for this house is not the way to deal with her death. It’s not the way to honor her life.” Her palm cupped his cheek, and she stepped closer. She’d recognized John’s new house as soon as she saw it. A 1921 craftsman that she and John had admired years ago when they were out on a drive. At the time it had been immaculately cared for, but then it was sold, and turned into a rental property. It had since run into disrepair, and gone back up on the housing market. If her father was there he would have said it had good bones. It still had the original fireplaces, and original woodwork. It was heated with radiators, which she felt really added to the charm. Plus it was four bedrooms, five if you counted the den. John was taking on a huge project, and the reason why was obvious. It was the same reason he’d argued with Lawrence at weekly board meetings. He refused to focus on losing his wife. He was in denial.

Marlena was quiet for a long moment, and then slid her palm down his chest intending to step away. “You know this house…”

He took her wrist in his hand, “You remember?’

“I remember,” she whispered. “We both thought this house was beautiful all those years ago. I still think it’s a beautiful house, John. I just worry that you’re avoiding your grief.” She was quiet for a moment, before she said, “Tell me something you loved about Isabella. Something I wouldn’t know.”

“Doc,” he said carefully. He rubbed his hands over his face, and allowed himself to lean back against the wall near the refrigerator with a dull thud. 

She followed him. The pain was evident, and as much as she hated the idea of him hurting, unresolved grief would destroy him. “Do you think about her at all?”

John looked down at Marlena, staring into her hazel eyes and making note of the small flecks of brown and green. He whispered softly, “Isabella used to sing Brady to sleep. I didn’t know she could sing, not like that… but one night after my shower, I found her in Brady’s room in the rocking chair. She held him against her breast as she fed him, and her voice was so beautiful. He stared up at her with unfocused eyes, and… everything was right with the world in that one single moment.” The tightness that had been gripping his chest seemed to shatter, like a lock breaking open. John took a breath, but it choked him. 

Marlena’s arms went around his neck, and she pulled him close as John’s arms snaked around her waist and he buried his face in her hair. His quiet sobs shook them, and Marlena felt her own tears start to fall. “I’m sorry she’s gone,” she whispered. “I’m sorry you’re hurting.” She looked up at him, touching his face gently, “Thank you for telling me that.”

She leaned closer, resting her face on his shoulder, and they stood there together for a long time. If John was lonely, and missing human connection, she could provide him with that. She shivered when she felt John’s nose against the column of her neck, and his warm breath across her skin. A small gasp escaped her when his lips touched her skin, but she didn’t move.

John closed his eyes as his lips pressed against the warm skin of her neck. He shouldn’t be doing it, but she wasn’t stopping him. He heard her gentle exhalation of breath, and as he pushed his nose up behind her ear, she whispered his name leaning more heavily against him. So many memories came from those simple touches. A loud clatter behind them had her pulling away quickly. She stared up at John, wiping her tears with the back of her hand while looking slightly dazed. He looked down at her as if he were completely surprised at what he’d just done.

He watched Marlena turn when the twins burst into the room. She had a smile on her face, and to them it was as if nothing was remiss at all. To him, a door had been opened. He glanced up, and found Hailey watching him from the doorway.

“Get your things together, and say goodbye to John,” Marlena was saying. 

“Can we help you fix up your house, Papa?” Eric asked excitedly. “I can paint.”

“I can paint too,” Sami said excitedly. She held up her functioning arm, “See? I can use this one.”

John came around the island, and knelt down, “I would love some help renovating the house, as long as your mother is okay with it.”

Marlena felt John’s eyes on her, and she smiled at her children, “I think we can arrange something.” She stood up, and saw Hailey head back towards Brady’s room. John was watching her go. “Thank you for allowing us to help today,” she said softly.

Sami opened the front door and ran out onto the porch with Eric. Marlena started to follow, but John reached for her. He stepped closer, tipping her face up to his as he said, “Thank you… for today. For listening… for…” He didn’t finish. He could still feel her soft skin on his mouth.

Marlena nodded, her throat feeling tight. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

John released her, smiling when Sami and Eric yelled out their love as they walked to the car. He stood in the doorway, and his tongue gently licked over his lips. He could still taste traces of Marlena’s perfume. He watched her drive away, and he whispered to himself, “You’ve got to get your fucking head together.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And after the sky has fallen down

And after all the water’s washed away

My love’s the only promise that remains

My love’s the only promise that remains

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: The Only Promise That Remains – Reba McEntire & Justin Timberlake

Chapter 13 – Better When You’re Not There

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s good to see your face in the morning

It helps me to face the day

I see you lighting candles

As I turn away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman was still at work when Marlena arrived home with Sami and Eric. She was relieved, and she knew that was a glaring red flag in her relationship with her husband. Helping the twins out of their jackets, she said, “Okay, upstairs. Get your pajamas ready and then I’ll be up to supervise showers.”

She watched them head upstairs, and she slowly shrugged out of her own coat, hanging it in the closet. Without conscious thought she gently touched the side of her neck where John’s lips had whispered across her flesh. She felt heat in her cheeks, and closed her eyes. “It was nothing,” she said softly. “Absolutely nothing. He is grieving. He’s lonely. That’s all.” Yet, as John had told her about his loneliness and his need for some sort of connection, she’d felt it deep in her own soul. The difference was she didn’t tell anyone. She bottled it up. John had just tapped something that she needed to shut down immediately.

Walking towards the telephone, she dialed Roman’s office. She’d almost given up on speaking to him at all, when his abrupt voice answered saying, “Salem PD. Roman Brady speaking.” 

Marlena almost rolled her eyes. When Roman had returned to Salem, John had been Captain Roman Brady. Once everything was revealed, John stepped back, and Roman stepped in… but without the rank. People who weren’t aware of the situation became confused, because Captain Roman Brady became Lieutenant Roman Brady. Roman took it personally, although the demotion wasn’t actually a demotion. Roman returned to the same rank he’d left at, but because of his hatred and jealousy of John, he’d never gotten over it. As a result of that, he refused to answer the phone with his rank and name. 

“Roman. It’s Marlena. I was wondering what time you might be home?” she asked.

“Hey, Doc. I’m wrapping up some loose ends on this Lombard case, so it’s going to be awhile.” He glanced down when he felt Taylor’s hand on his leg. Pushing it away, he told his wife. “It’s going to be a couple of hours at least. I wouldn’t wait up.” He glanced over when he felt Taylor’s hand on him again. Her eyes had that hooded look that drew him in, and he cleared his throat.

Marlena was relieved, and she didn’t want to think too hard on why. “Okay. I’m going to go get the twins showered, and into bed.”

Roman glanced at his watch, “Aren’t they usually in bed by now?”

“Yes, but we were over at John’s new house all day helping him move in, and we’ve only just gotten home.”

“You spent the day with John?” Roman asked quietly.

Marlena didn’t want to deal with him. Her tone was laced with sarcasm, and she knew it was immature, but she was so tired of the fighting. “Well, you see we had plans but they were unexpectedly canceled, so we found something else to do with our day. Bo and Shawn D came by. Kim stopped in with Phillip, and your parents brought dinner.”

“I see.” Roman watched as Taylor’s hand slid up his thigh. His eyes caught hers again, and he sighed, “Look, Doc. I’m really busy, so I’m going to go. I’ll see you when I get home.”

She didn’t even have time to respond, before the click of the line disconnecting sounded in her ear. She stood motionless with the telephone in her hand for several moments, before she replaced it in the cradle. It rang again immediately, and she answered it, still frustrated with Roman. “Hello?”

“Hey, Doc,” John said quietly into the telephone. “I just wanted to make sure you and the kiddos made it home okay.”

“We did,” she said, feeling that ache of loneliness in her chest again. 

John thought about his lips against her soft skin, and he said hurriedly, “I also wanted to apologize for… for what happened in the kitchen. I shouldn’t have–”

“– you don’t need to apologize,” she told him. Her fingers traced along the column of her neck slowly. “I understand.”

He wanted to say so much more, but he didn’t. “Good night, Doc.”

Marlena whispered, “Good night, John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I want you, I need you in a way that confuses me but

It’s good to hold you

But it’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when I don’t care about the things you say in the world’s worst way

It’s better when you’re not there

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman hung up the telephone, and then stared at Taylor with hard eyes. “What the fuck was that about?”

She smiled slyly. “I thought you could use a bit of a distraction. You seemed agitated.”

Roman sneered. “She spent the day with her ex-husband, I’m a little more than fucking agitated, McCall. I’m working all damned day, and she’s got my kid’s over at her ex’s house.”

“That must make you furious,” she said, walking her fingers closer to his groin. 

Roman watched her hand, not stopping her progress. When she cupped his cock, he felt his body jerk in reaction. Reaching for the office chair she was sitting in next to him, he jerked her closer, and leaned forward, staring at her. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Brady,” she whispered. “Stop fighting this. You want me. I want you. No restrictions. No hang ups. Just sex.” She felt his cock lengthening under her hand, and she squeezed him gently.

Roman closed his eyes. The sensation was amazing. It had been so long since he and Marlena had made love. He could acknowledge that it was his fault. He worked so often that they were rarely home together, and awake at the same time. He groaned, saying roughly, “Harder.”

He’d told himself this wasn’t going to happen again. That whatever was happening between him and Taylor was over, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to tell her to stop. Pulling her closer, he took her mouth roughly, and she whimpered into him. 

Marlena used to do that, but that was a long time ago. Before John Black. Since his return it hadn’t been the same. He’d tried for months to recapture what they’d had, but eventually he’d given up. John had ruined whatever he and Marlena had been. Or maybe she’d changed. Maybe she was no longer who she was before. Before Stefano took him, Marlena had been so open, so loving. She’d deferred to him with most things. After all, he had saved her life. He knew what was best for her… for them.

Taylor leaned back, her lips swollen from his aggressive advances. “You know, Brady. Eventually you’re going to have to give me more than a few kisses.”

He wiped his hand across his mouth, and rolled his chair back, immediately put off. “I told you, McCall. This isn’t going anywhere.”

“You’ve been saying that a lot,” she said softly. “But the thing is, you keep coming back for more.” She stood up, and then glanced down, noting his erection tight in his jeans. “Hopefully your wife takes care of that tonight.”

Roman watched the door close when Taylor left his office, and he pushed his hand down on his cock trying to relieve some of the pressure that sat heavy in his groin. He briefly considered going home earlier, but he decided against it. Pulling the paperwork towards him, he picked up his ink pen and started writing. He wanted to be done with the Lombard case before he went home, and he never wanted to think about it again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But somehow it waits till the morning

I feel your eyes on me

It’s such a perfect moment

It almost sets me free

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The hot water of the shower hit Marlena’s body with needle point stings, and she closed her eyes, allowing her head to fall forward. Her body was wound so tight, releasing the tension was almost impossible. Plus, she spent so much time alone that lonliness was becoming second nature. She wasn’t sure what role Roman played in their lives. He worked, he put money towards the house and the bills, but he had very little interaction with her or the children, although he was around for holidays. To the people around them they seemed happy, but inside they both knew it wasn’t working. Marlena told herself she just needed to try harder, and that seemed to push Roman further and further away. 

She was tired. It had been a long day. She opened her eyes, and stood up straighter reaching for the soap. Lathering it in the washcloth, she sighed as she began to run the soft fabric over her wet skin. She couldn’t stop thinking about John’s lips on her neck. So familiar, and yet it had been so long maybe she’d almost forgotten what he could do to her body. What she needed to do was forget that it had ever happened. It meant nothing.

Her head shook slightly. She shouldn’t be thinking about it at all, but then other images started to come to her. Memories of John’s hands on her body, and his warm skin sliding alongside hers. John’s hand slipping between her legs in the shower, and his fingers dipping into her folds. Marlena groaned softly, pushing the sudsy washcloth between her legs. The fabric brushed her clit, and she jolted, and then sighed. It felt so good. She repeated the motion, the soft scrape of fabric over her sensitive nub. Marlena gasped softly, “Oh, G-d!”

How many times had John made love to her in that shower? She couldn’t count. When Roman had returned, he’d replaced their bed. He’d replaced everything he felt John had purchased, all in an effort to erase him from their lives, but as Marlena stared at the shower wall she could still feel the cool tile against her breasts as John pushed his cock deep inside her. Roman couldn’t erase that.

The washcloth fell to the shower floor with a wet thump, and Marlena’s fingers found their way to her center. Her middle finger softly brushed across her clit, and she whimpered. John’s hands felt different. Rougher. More demanding. She gasped softly, allowing her spine to rest against the wall as she fingered herself. Her digit circled her clit, and then as the pressure inside her rose, she pushed against it more deeply. By the time she climaxed, her legs were shaking, and then guilt immediately washed over her like a flood.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wanted to keep you holding in while you’re pulling away

It’s good to know you but it’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when I don’t care about the things you say in the world’s worst way

It’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when you’re not there

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman watched Marlena’s body arch off of the mattress as she moaned in her sleep. He stepped closer, drawn in by the look of ecstasy on her face, and her soft whimpers of need. She was beautiful like that. Usually she was so guarded around him. She held her emotions so tightly that he didn’t ever have any idea of how she was truly feeling. Looking down at her, he felt stirrings in his body. Would she respond to him if he woke her up? Or would she push him away? 

She rolled onto her side, and her face tipped up as she gasped, “Oh, G-d!”

Roman started unbuttoning his shirt as he watched her, getting ready for bed. He wanted to touch her, kiss her, and sink into her heated depths.  

John’s soft lips pulled at the sensitive skin where her shoulder met her neck, and he moaned quietly, “I want you, Doc. I want you so bad.”

“This is a bad idea,” Marlena whispered. “A bad idea. You’re still mourning Isabella… and I’m – I’m still married to Roman.”

He bit her neck roughly, turning her body around and pressing her against the wall next to the refrigerator. “You taste just like I remember. Like lavender and chamomile. Sunshine and sex.”

Marlena’s head fell back with a dull thud, as she gasped, “Oh, G-d!” Soft kitten-like mewls were drawn from her body with every touch, every nip, every lick. She arched towards him, “Touch me! Oh, please, touch me!”

Roman’s cock was rock hard. He shrugged his shirt off of his shoulders, and he stepped closer to the bed, as Marlena murmured softly, “Touch me!”

His hands shook as he unfastened his jeans, and pushed them over his hips. He sat down on the bed next to her, and softly brushed the hair back from her forehead. She was beautiful. In sleep she was just as he remembered. Soft, open, sensual. Leaning forward, he balanced on his arms staring down at her. It was moments like this when he remembered why he’d fallen in love with her. Her vulnerability drew him like a moth to the flame. He almost dreaded her waking, knowing the wall would come up.

John watched as Marlena’s trembling fingers slid button after button out. She could feel her skin brushing against his chest, and then she pushed his shirt wide, spreading her palms flat against his heated flesh. She stared up at him, and saw arousal mixed with anguish in his eyes. He wanted her, and he felt so much guilt over it. She felt the same guilt, but for different reasons. 

Slowly she threaded her fingers through his chest hair, tugging it lightly, and then she asked him, “Are you sure?”

He reached for the hem of her sweater, tugging it up and over her head. Leaning over her, he planted his hands on either side of her head. “I’m sure, Doc.”

Her hands trailed down over his abdomen, feeling the flutter of his muscles underneath. She stared up at him with wide eyes, and her lips parted softly in anticipation of his kiss. Softly, she begged him, “Kiss me. Please… please, please… please.”

Leaning forward, Roman kissed her. His tongue licked across the seam of her mouth, and she opened to him with a soft sigh. Wanting more, he deepened the kiss. His body pressed Marlena into the mattress, and he felt her responding. Her tongue swept alongside his, and her body arched against him with a soft cry of want. But then she went stiff, and her eyes opened. She stared at him for a moment, and then screamed, pushing him away.

“What the fuck, Doc!” Roman yelled, falling to the floor. “I thought you wanted me.”

Her heart was pounding. She couldn’t get the image of Kellam Chandler leaning over her out of her mind. One moment she was floating on a dream of her and John in his kitchen, and the next she felt something heavy on her body. She heard a moan that was distinctly not John, and when she’d opened her eyes all she saw was Roman, nearly naked on top of her. 

Marlena scrambled to the top of the bed, disoriented and upset. Looking around the darkened bedroom, she struggled to remind herself of where she was, telling herself over and over again that she was safe. She was safe, and it was only Roman. She started crying softly, “I’m sorry. Roman, I’m sorry. I woke up, and I was confused, and for some reason I got scared. I thought you were Kellam Chandler–”

“–Kellam Chandler!” Roman got off the floor feeling embarrassed and angry. “Now why would you think I was Kellam Chandler?”

“I–I don’t know,” she whispered. “I was confused, and I wasn’t expecting you to be… so close. I was confused.”

“You asked me to kiss you!” he said loudly, feeling foolish.

Marlena stared at him with wide eyes. She’d been talking in her sleep. She’d asked John to kiss her. “I was dreaming…”

“Dreaming? Dreaming of me, Doc? Or dreaming of someone else?”

Marlena crawled out of bed, exiting the side opposite Roman. She didn’t answer him. She wasn’t going to answer him. He wasn’t even apologetic for scaring her. He wasn’t showing any empathy for her pain. She went into the bathroom, and locked the door behind her. Sliding to the floor with her back against the door, she couldn’t hold back her tears. She heard dresser drawers slamming, and then Roman called through the door, “I’m sleeping on the couch, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It’s good to see your face in the picture

It’s amazing what I miss

It’s always right in the moment

When you’re colored by your kiss

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena was surprised to find Roman still asleep on the couch the following morning. He was usually up and out of the house before the children were awake. Sami came bounding down the stairs behind her, and Marlena turned to her and put a finger to her lips. “Your father is sleeping.”

“Why’s he on the couch?” Sami asked seriously. “He’s got a bed.”

“Never you mind, nosey.” Marlena laughed, and ruffled Sami’s hair. “Go make sure your brother is ready. We need to get moving.”

Sami’s eyes went wide, “It’s Saturday. Where are we going?” 

“I thought we’d head to the farm, and see how maple syrup is made,” she said. “Now, scoot, and meet me in the kitchen.”

She was just finishing up her cup of coffee when Roman wandered in wearing plaid pajama pants, and a white t-shirt. “That coffee fresh, Doc?”

“Yes.” She sat her mug down, and went into the pantry for the box of Trix cereal, and came back out, setting it on the table. Roman was watching her, but she had nothing to say. She reached for two bowls, got the spoons, and then went for the milk.

“I needed to talk to you about the Lombard case,” he said abruptly. “Roger’s got a solid alibi, and the driver of the car that hit Stella turned themselves in a few days ago.”

“I knew Roger wasn’t responsible. He’d never kill someone, let alone his wife.” She poured cereal in the bowls, and then went back for her coffee. “He’s not that type of person.”

“There were some things that came up during the investigation that you should know about.” Roman was angry that he even had to have the conversation, but he said, “Stella Lombard had your date book, and it seems… she was also planning to kidnap you the morning you left for New York, but you had to leave early. She must have found out, and tried to catch up with you… that’s when she was hit by the truck.”

“Kidnap me?” Marlena whispered. Marlena went over Stella’s odd behavior leading up to her death. She’d exhibited signs of jealousy, but nothing so extreme. “Why? Why would she want to do that?”

“Are you serious right now, Doc?” Roman’s voice got loud, “Every time she turned around you were fawning all over her husband. Why do you think she’d want you out of the way?”

“Are you making excuses for her?” Marlena asked him in shock. “What was she planning to do with me once she had me?”

“The details don’t matter–”

“–oh, no, Roman! Oh, no! The details do matter!” she said, putting her coffee on the table with a thump. 

Roman sighed, as if explaining it was difficult, and he said, “She’d lied to your message service and changed a few of the numbers around, she’d also told your contacts in New York that you were sick–”

“–that’s why Paul Whitman was surprised to see me?” she gasped softly. 

“She was going to keep you in the warehouse basement at Roger’s studio,” Roman said. “It was going to be vacant since Roger was leaving for New York to work on his art career. She wanted to have you out of the picture while she tried to repair her marriage.”

Marlena sat down heavily in the kitchen chair, and she stared at the mug in front of her, “So my leaving early was the only thing that saved me?”

“If you hadn’t been so invested in Roger Lombard she wouldn’t have fallen off the deep end of sanity to begin with, Doc! You were too personally involved in the Lombard case,” he told her.

“You’re blaming me?” she asked him softly. She suddenly had a memory of Roman years earlier with a smug smirk on his face. Didn’t you learn anything when I pretended to be the strangler, and waltzed right into this office, and had you alone in here? Nothing had changed. He still viewed her as weak. He still blamed her for things outside of her control. He still felt like he needed to teach her lessons. This was just another example of that. He was upset that she’d been right, and Roger was innocent. But because he’d missed the signs of Stella’s instability, he wanted to put the blame on her.

“C’mon, Doc! Tell me you see what I’m saying!” 

“What I think happened,” she said slowly, “is that you wanted Roger Lombard to be guilty. He wasn’t, but his wife was guilty… and somehow you want that to be my fault–”

“–if you weren’t so personally involved,” Roman roared, “then none of it would have happened!”

The kitchen door pushed open, and Eric and Sami stood there staring at Roman. Eric’s face was red with fury, when he said, “Don’t you yell at my Mama!”

Roman turned quickly to see the twins watching him. “You’re mother and I were having a conversation. Go wait in the living room.”

“The conversation is over, Roman.” She gestured the children towards the table near the refrigerator, and she told Roman, “You’ve never respected my profession or my professional opinion, so your current ideas aren’t really a surprise. I assume you’re working today? The children and I have plans. We’ll be leaving after breakfast.” She poured cereal into Sami, and Eric’s bowls, and then poured herself some cereal as well.

Sami smiled with a mouth full of Trix, “We’re gonna go see how they make syrup!”

Roman looked at Marlena in surprise, “We were going to do that as a family.”

“You canceled, Roman, and we are going today. You can come along if you like,” she said. “But we are going today.”

“I can’t do it today,” he said in frustration. “I’ve got to look into a lead on the Flanders case.”

Her fury was simmering just under the surface, and she knew Roman could see it. Softly, she said, “That’s fine. We’re not changing our plans. Maybe another time.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I wanted to tell you there are times when I think of your face

It’s good to know you

But it’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when I don’t care about the things you say in the world worst way

It’s better when you’re not there

It’s better when you’re not there

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Better When Your Not There – Vertical Horizon

Chapter 14 – River

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh-oh, oh-oh

Oh-oh, oh-oh

Out in the deep end, you’re treadin’ water

Waves crashin’ on you, mm-mm, mm-mm

Feels like you’re sinkin’, like you’re goin’ under

So you paddle harder

Oh, you don’t have to be

So strong when you’re with me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stood in the kitchen drinking water after his six mile run. He could feel the sweat trickling down his back, even as he wiped the back of his hand across his forehead. Leaning against the counter, he smiled when Hailey entered the room. He gestured towards Brady’s highchair covered in peas, and what looked to be pureed chicken noodle. “How much of that did he actually eat?” John laughed.

Hailey walked towards the sink, “Not much. Your son hates peas by the way. He gagged every time they went into his mouth. Then he proceeded to spit them everywhere.”

John noticed Hailey’s freshly washed hair, and breathed in her soft floral scent. “I’m assuming the afternoon shower was to rid your hair of the peas?”

She smiled shyly, reaching around him for the kitchen sponge, then she walked over to Brady’s highchair, removing the food spattered tray. John reached for it, his fingers sliding against hers as he took it from her. She looked up at him, realizing how close he was, and she said softly, “Thank you.”

John turned away quickly, turning the water on as he reached for the dish soap. “Have you heard any more news about your grandfather?” She hadn’t mentioned it since he’s found her crying in her room at the loft. The night he’d kissed her. 

“He started chemo a couple of days ago. My mom and I are feeling hopeful,” she told him. She knelt down, wiping peas off of the floor, and hoped that the fall of her hair hid her blush. 

“That’s great. That’s great.” John dried off the high chair tray, and then glanced over to see Hailey bent over, wiping off the chair. Her damp hair fell over her shoulder, and he found himself yet again fascinated by the myriad of color woven through the strands as the sun hit it. He didn’t think or even realize that he was staring until Hailey stopped moving, and her eyes caught his.

Her breath caught when John stepped closer. He stared at her hair, reaching out to lift a strand between his fingers. She could feel her heart racing in her chest. He smelled of sweat, sun, and the faintest hint of the cologne he’d put on that morning. Hailey started to feel lightheaded – his nearness, his eyes watching her, his fingers in her hair. She swayed towards him, catching herself on his chest by placing her hand against him.

She was so innocent. John knew that she was almost thirty years old, but she seemed so shy, so vulnerable. He let her hair fall, and his fingers grazed gently across her cheek. Her skin was so soft, like velvet under his fingers. He asked her, “Have you always had freckles like this?”

Hailey couldn’t think straight. Her muscles started to tremble, and she wanted to lean into him, but she had no experience in things even remotely sexual. She’d made sure to push all opportunities like that out of her life. She’d spent her life avoiding men, but the one in front of her had her wanting something she’d only seen in film or read about in books. She stared up at him, stumbling over her words. “I started getting… freckles around the age of-of three.”

John dragged his index finger down the bridge of her nose, and then across the soft skin under her eyes. “Someone could spend an afternoon trying to count them,” he murmured, entranced by the sight of the light spattering of color across her pale skin. He took a deep breath. Hailey smelled like shampoo, and some sort of floral soap. Leaning closer he took another more obvious breath, inhaling her.

She couldn’t stop her soft gasp. “Oh!” She leaned into him. She couldn’t help herself. It was as if she were under a spell, and he was the one who’d cast it. John’s hand cupped her cheek, and her eyes fluttered closed. When she opened them, John was staring down at her.

He should step back. He shouldn’t be touching her. Crossing those professional lines with someone who worked for him, and lived in his home was wrong. He could hear Marlena’s warning, but the loneliness that had him sobbing into his pillow in the dark of night made the choice for him. He pushed his thumb over her bottom lip, watching it pillow under the pressure. A small groan escaped him, and he said, “I should not be touching you.”

Hailey didn’t say anything. Her breath hitched. It was one of the most erotic moments of her life. Even as John claimed he shouldn’t be touching her, she craved his touch. Her palm settled on his chest, and she could feel the heat of him through his sweatshirt.

He leaned closer, staring at the freckles that dotted her nose, and memories of Marlena flashed through his mind. The way her freckles danced across her shoulder, and the dotting over the swell of her breasts. Marlena’s freckles across her knees, and hips. He pulled back, unsure where those thoughts had come from. Hailey watched him intently, and he leaned forward again. His mouth hovered over hers, “I should definitely not be touching you.”

She whispered, “Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”

His mouth crashed down on hers, and his arms slipped around her hips. Closing his eyes, he soaked in her warmth, and the gentle feeling that came from being close to someone. He groaned into her, licking across her mouth, and again he thought of Marlena. Marlena tasted like a million lifetimes. She tasted like memories of love, and adventure. She tasted of everything he wanted at that moment. He pulled away from Hailey quickly, leaving her standing there disoriented. She whimpered softly, allowing her hand to fall when John turned away from her.

Marlena. He thought about his lips on her neck nearly a week before. He’d dreamt of it over and over again. He could still imagine the taste of her. He finally turned back to Hailey, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I didn’t mind,” she said softly. She could tell he regretted it, but she didn’t. She knew that whatever was happening between them wouldn’t go anywhere. She had no expectations of him, and maybe that was why she was open to it. She heard Brady fussing on the baby monitor. Glancing away from John’s intense stare, she said, “I’m going to check on Brady.”

“I need to head out,” John said abruptly. He needed to see Marlena. “I forgot I have an appointment.”

Hailey knew he was trying to get away from her. Besides, he was still in his sweaty clothes, and he hadn’t even showered. But if he needed space, he could take it. Things between them were getting more and more awkward. “Okay… well… I’m just gonna go, and, um, check on Brady.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On your darkest nights

You’ll never be alone, I’ll be by your side

Let it out, let it go, it’s okay to cry

You can let the river flow

You can let the river flow

Oh-oh, oh-oh

Oh-oh, oh-oh

You can let the river flow

Oh-oh, oh-oh

Oh-oh, oh-oh

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Dr. Evans, John Black is here to see you,” Marlena’s secretary said over the speaker.

She glanced at the clock. Her one o’clock had cancelled, and her next appointment wasn’t until three o’clock. “Send him in.” Marlena stood up, smoothing her skirt nervously. Catching herself, she stopped. It shouldn’t matter if she appealed to him, but it did. She hadn’t seen John since that day in his house, and since then she’d had dreams nearly every night. She thought about what she’d done in the shower that night, and felt the heat rise in her neck. Her hand fluttered to her chest, as she whispered to herself, “Stop it.”

John opened the door to Marlena’s office knowing he looked a mess. Haggard would be the best word to describe him. He’d run his hands through his hair repeatedly on the drive over. He was still wearing his gray sweatpants, and his old Salem PD sweatshirt, which had seen better days. He should have showered and changed before he came to see her, but he’d been in such a hurry to get out of the house he hadn’t considered it.

 She knew as soon as their eyes met that something was wrong. Softly, barely more than a whisper, she said his name, and watched as he closed the door behind him. When the latch on the lock clicked, she almost flinched. Something was very wrong. She rounded her desk, and met him halfway across the room. 

He stepped into her arms as if it was where he was meant to be. He was crying. He wasn’t sure when it had started. Maybe he’d been crying on the drive over. The guilt of what he’d done with Hailey was overwhelming, even though it hadn’t been anything more than a few kisses. He thought about Isabella, and his chest ached with pain. Marlena had told him if he didn’t face it, it would destroy him. His sobs choked in his chest, and he wasn’t able to get the words out. It didn’t matter. Marlena knew. She knew it all, and she held him.

When John’s legs were unable to hold him anymore, he sank to the floor in front of her sofa, and she fell with him, never letting go. Softly, she cooed, “Oh, darling. My darling… it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to mourn her.” Her hands threaded through his hair, holding his face to her shoulder. The warm air of the room brushed her skin, cooling her flesh where John’s tears had created paths down the column of her neck. She shivered. She didn’t want to think too much about why. He was grieving, and his nearness was necessary. It wasn’t sexual, and yet her body reacted without conscious thought. Marlena pushed her emotions down, and tried to focus on John’s needs at the moment. 

It was a long time before he quieted. He shifted his legs, stretching them out in front of him, but he didn’t release her. His arm stayed wrapped awkwardly around her waist, holding her so that one of her thighs straddled his. He was afraid to let her go, and she didn’t fight him. When his eyes met hers, the first thing he thought of was how much she meant to him. She was his best friend. There was no one else in the world that knew him as well as Marlena did. His words came softly at first. “I bury myself in work, exercise, the house… and none if it’s enough.”

“You know why. Grief can’t be ignored.” She tried to sit up, but John still held her firm.

“Don’t go,” he whispered, burying his face in her hair. “I’m so confused. I feel so lost.”

“I’ll stay right here.” She sat up, settling on her knees next to him. She kicked her shoes off behind her, and sat on her haunches watching him. Gently she reached out, cupping his jaw tenderly. “You’ve got to allow yourself to feel it, and you’ve been pushing those emotions away. You’re refusing to allow yourself to feel the pain of losing Isabella.”

“Oh, I feel the pain, Doc. I feel it every night when I dream she’s returned to me, only to wake and realize she’s gone. It’s as if she dies again every night.”

“But during the day?” she asked him. “Have you watched the videos Isabella made to say goodbye?”

“I can’t,” he rasped. His chest tightened in pain. “I can’t.”

“I could watch them with you?” she suggested. She wiped the tears from his eyes gently, and his blue eyes watched her.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“You think about it. Just know this… you have a friend willing to help you through this, John. Don’t push me away too.” Her hands held his face, tipping it up so that he was forced to look into her eyes. “You have a friend. You have me.”

Another tear slipped from the corner of his eye, and he told her, “I kissed Hailey again.”

“Oh, John…”

John wasn’t sure if he should add the rest. The part about Hailey’s freckles reminding him of Marlena’s skin. The part about how Hailey didn’t taste like Marlena.

“I told her it was a mistake.” John looked away from Marlena’s knowing look of sympathy. It was too much for that moment. He didn’t deserve it. “Then I came to see you.”

Marlena glanced at the clock and realized she had about an hour before her three o’clock appointment. She shifted her body, settling herself next to John on the floor in front of her couch. She tucked her legs underneath her, and smoothed her skirt over them. Resting her head on his shoulder, she said quietly, “Tell me about how you met Isabella.”

“What?” John was surprised she wanted to hear about that.

“I don’t know the full story,” she said. “So tell me about it. Talking about her, telling stories, remembering those times together when she made you laugh…” Marlena smiled against his shoulder, and then said, “… or made you furious. That’s how you work through grief.”

“How did I meet Isabella?” John couldn’t help his smile. “I was investigating her for the murder of her sister, Marina Toscano.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Don’t keep it a secret when deep down you’re hurtin’

Just open the curtains, mm-mm, mm-mm

No, it’s not a weakness to share all your burdens

The weight of the world can be heavy

But you don’t have to be

So strong when you’re with me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman stared down at Taylor. She was gorgeous. He’d messed her hair up, and her uniform was parted, and he’d pushed her bra up over her breasts, baring them to him. He could see the marks he’d made on her soft flesh from his rough bites. His cock was so hard he was in pain, but he needed to stop this. They hadn’t crossed that line yet. He didn’t consider kissing and fondling cheating. Well, not really. Once he dipped his dick into her moist heat that was cheating. As much as he wanted her, he didn’t have a condom. “Fuck, McCall,” he groaned, allowing his forehead to rest on hers. He was starting to develop feelings for her. What had started as lust, and attraction was turning into something else, and Roman could hear his wife in his head. Denial. He was in denial. “We’ve gotta stop this.”

Taylor stared at him. He stepped back a step. She was in love with him. Sure, she’d said over and over again that it was nothing. But to her, it was everything. She’d never felt the way she did about anyone else, except Roman Brady, and that scared her to death. She reached for him, tugging the edge of his open flannel shirt. “Don’t go.”

“I’ve got a wife. I’ve got to remember that!” Roman pushed his hands through his hair. He had to remember Marlena, and his kids. What had he fought his way home for if he was going to throw it all away? He was in the G-ddamned evidence room in the basement of the police station making out with his brother’s police partner. Bo would kill him. Shaking his head, he said again, “I’ve got a wife.”

Taylor sank to her knees in front of him. Her fingers took hold of the belt at his waist, and pulled him forward. With shaking fingers, she stared up at him, while unbuckling his belt. 

Roman didn’t stop her. Instead he watched her with arousal blown eyes. He wanted her lips on him. He ached for wanting it. She rested on her haunches, and he fell forward catching himself on open palms against the chain link fence behind her. He laced his fingers through the cool metal, and his head fell forward. His eyes caught hers as her mouth took his length. Soft. Hot. Wet. Roman groaned. His eyes closed. His fingers clenched. “Aw, fuck, McCall!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On your darkest nights

You’ll never be alone, I’ll be by your side

Let it out, let it go, it’s okay to cry

You could let the river flow

You could let the river flow

Oh-oh, oh-oh

Oh-oh, oh-oh

You could let the river flow

Oh-oh, oh-oh

Oh-oh, oh-oh

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I didn’t understand, when I first came back to Salem, why it was so hard for you to choose between Isabella and myself… I should have asked you.” Marlena sat in the silence of the room, absorbing John’s quiet energy.

“I should have explained,” he replied quietly. “I was so scared, and overwhelmed. I couldn’t decide, and you… at one point I think you begged me to make a decision. It felt impossible… being in love with two people.”

She was quiet, taking in what he’d said. He admitted that he’d loved her then, which he hadn’t done before. He’d known that she loved him from the moment of her return. John and the children were why she’d fought her way home to Salem after a five year coma. “I guess it worked out for the best.”

“Did it?’ he asked her. Isabella was gone. He was alone, and although Marlena hadn’t admitted it out right, she was unhappy with Roman. 

She sat up, turning her face to his with a questioning look. What was he saying? Was he saying he wished he’d chosen her? Or was he speaking in general? Her unhappiness in her marriage was glaring as of late. His loneliness and grief over Isabella was to be expected.

“Don’t mind me,” he said with a soft chuckle. “I’m a cynical ass lately. Lonely as fuck… optimism isn’t my strong suit right now, Doc.”

Her secretary’s voice came over the speaker of her telephone, “Dr. Evans, your three o’clock is here.”

Marlena glanced at the wall clock. 2:45. Taking a deep breath, she straightened, preparing to stand up. She wanted to go home. The last hour and a half with John had been emotionally wrenching for both of them. Taking a deep breath, she stood up, and then held her hand out to him. 

He held his hand up, allowing her to try to pull him up, but offering her no help at all.

“John!” she laughed. “You have to help me!”

With a smirk, he pushed himself up, and watched as Marlena lost her balance tugging him backwards with her as she fell into the soft, overstuffed couch beside her. He landed on top of her, and almost groaned. She felt so good underneath him. He didn’t move away immediately. He cupped her face tenderly, and whispered, “Thank you.”

He was thanking her for their conversation. He was thanking her for their life together, and their continued friendship. Softly, she whispered, “You’re welcome.”

John stood up, offering her his hand. He couldn’t focus too much on how his sexually charged interactions with Marlena were so different from his interactions with Hailey. With Hailey it was pure lust. He cared about her, but he didn’t love her. With Marlena, he loved her. He would always love her, but their time was over. He glanced down, noticing her bare feet, and then started to look around. “You’ve lost your shoes.”

She giggled, “I have. Help me find them.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On your darkest nights (Oh-oh, oh-oh)

You’ll never be alone, I’ll be by your side

Let it out, let it go, it’s okay to cry (Oh-oh, oh-oh)

You can let the river flow

You can let the river flow

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: River – Myles Smith

Chapter 15 – The Night We Met

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I am not the only traveler

Who has not repaid his debt

I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again

Take me back to the night we met

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Her car was hit at the intersection of Elm and Cary Street… spleen is torn… internal bleeding… emergency surgery… I can’t get a hold of Roman… I need your signature… The elevator was moving so slowly John wanted to rage. He wanted to punch the control panel, even though he knew it wouldn’t get him where he wanted to be any faster. Mike had promised him he’d be waiting by the elevator, all John could hope for was that he was true to his word. He’d been in a meeting with potential investors when the phone call had come through. In less than ten minutes, John was on the road heading to the hospital. He tried to calm his breathing, but it didn’t matter. His heart was thundering in his chest, and all he could think about was losing Isabella. He couldn’t lose Marlena too.

“Where is she?” John demanded as soon as he came off of the elevator, and ran into Mike Horton. 

“Thank G-d!” Mike handed him the clipboard, and said, “I was hoping you would get here in time. I went ahead, and told them to prep her for surgery. There’s a tear in her spleen – most likely from the seatbelt. She’s bleeding internally, and Roman is hours away on a stakeout. Abe is trying to track him down–”

“–what is this?” John asked, looking at the form Mike had handed him.

“Marlena’s power of attorney.” Mike sighed, “She must have had it done after your return from Mexico, but you never signed it. It states that if Roman is unavailable you make her medical decisions, you will.” He saw the surprise in John’s eyes. “I’ve got her stabilized, and with your signature, and your permission we can get her into surgery before everything goes south.”

“Mike! It won’t be notarized,” John exclaimed, staring at the document in front of him. Marlena had never mentioned a power of attorney to him.

“I know someone. You’ve gotta trust me on this,” he said. 

“Will they backdate it?” John asked, starting to feel panicky. “If I date this as January 1992, will they notarize it?”

Mike stared at him, and said firmly, “Yes.”

With a quick flash of the ink pen, John signed his name, and said, “Done. Where is she?”

“She’s in the pre-op room,” Mike told him. He watched John walk away, and then he turned to the staff lounge. He had a power of attorney to get notarized, or he’d be arrested, and John might be in trouble as well. All that really mattered was saving Marlena’s life. 

John entered the room at a run, throwing the curtain wide. Marlena lay in the bed, her skin pallid with a nurse placing an I.V. Her eyes opened, and she smiled at him weakly, “Someone hit my car,” and then she was out again. He rushed to her side, and saw the burn along the side of her face from the airbag.

“Aww, fuck, Doc.” He softly traced his fingers over her cheek. “Mike’s going to get you fixed up. Okay?” He wasn’t expecting an answer.

The nurse said quietly, “She’s been in and out of consciousness. She was asking for you.”

“I’m here now,” he whispered. “Mike’s going to get you into surgery, and then you’ll be on the road to recovery in no time.” He stared down at her thinking to himself that he was so grateful that Mike had called him. Lifting Marlena’s hand to his lips, he whispered, “You’re going to get through this, Doc. You will, and I’ll check on the kids for you. I’ll tell them how strong you are, and what a fighter you are.”

Her eyes fluttered, and she stared at him for a moment, and then she smiled, “I love you.”

He tucked a stray pierce of her hair under her surgical cap, and then leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “You’re going to be okay.”

Her eyes drifted closed again, and John took a deep breath. She had to be okay. The curtain opened, and he turned to Mike standing there with a smile. “It’s done.” He held Marlena’s chart up, and he said, “It’s official.”

John released the breath he was holding. Mike was a miracle worker. He’d found a way to get a notary to backdate Marlena’s power of attorney, and that meant taking her into surgery right away, instead of trying to keep her stable until Roman arrived. He leaned close to Marlena, “Did you hear that, baby? Mike’s going to fix this, and you’ll be good as new.”

“OR6 is ready,” Mike watched John, noting how much he obviously still cared for Marlena. “I’ll have her out before you know it.”

John stared at Marlena, asking Mike, “How long?”

“Two and a half… maybe three hours,” he said. 

Kissing Marlena again, John whispered, “I’m gonna call Caroline… you need to fight. You hear me, baby? You need to fight.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And then, I can tell myself

What the hell and I supposed to do

And then, I can tell myself

Not to ride along with you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Abe stared at Roman in fury, “I’ve been trying to reach you for almost four hours!”

“I told you I was working on the Corinthos case!” Roman looked around, making sure they weren’t seen, and then pulled Abe into the dingy hotel room. “You being here could throw off the whole damned case!”

“If I could have gotten a hold of you, I wouldn’t have to be here!” Abe yelled. “Marlena was in a car accident. They were taking her into surgery the last time I spoke with Mike Horton. You need to drop this, and get back to Salem. Now.”

Roman thought about all of the work he’d put into that case. “Shit!” He glanced towards the bathroom, hoping, praying, that Taylor had managed to make herself presentable. “McCall and I think we just got a break in the case.”

“We’ll talk about that later,” Abe said in frustration. Taylor exited the bathroom looking presentable, but still guilty. Abe scanned over her, and watched the way her eyes kept flickering towards Roman.

“Talk about what?” Roman demanded.

“The fact that Officer McCall is assigned to be your brother’s partner, and you keep pulling her for assignments with you,” Abe replied. 

Roman started  to trip over his words, “I’m not sure what you think is going on, Abe–”

“–that’s just the thing, Roman. I didn’t accuse you of anything, but you just confirmed my suspicions.” Abe turned to leave, but said over his shoulder, “You will not use Officer McCall on any other assignments. I think you need to get back to Salem and focus on your wife. Hopefully Mike was able to save Marlena’s life.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had all and then most of you

Some of you and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John pushed the door to Marlena’s hospital room open more than four hours later. The surgery had taken Mike longer than expected. He’d had to do an open splenectomy, which was much more invasive, and had a more intensive recovery. Mike followed him into the room, but all John saw was the woman in the bed in front of him. 

Marlena’s eyes were closed, and her blonde hair was arranged around her shoulders. She looked so serene and peaceful, but John knew as soon as she woke she would be in pain. He’d gotten enough information from the police officer who’d arrived during her surgery to know that the car accident had been bad. He’d been handed her purse, and her coat, while being informed of where her car was impounded. It felt surreal. He was carrying out the functions of a spouse, while wondering where Roman was the whole time. 

Her car had been turning left on a green light, and a car on the opposite side of the road hadn’t been paying attention. They’d confused the light, and driven forward slamming so forcefully into Marlena’s vehicle that her airbag deployed, her axel was broken, and her body had jerked against her seatbelt with such force that her spleen had torn. While her seatbelt had saved her life, it was too high on her hips, and caused serious damage.

Mike’s gentle voice interrupted John’s quiet thoughts. “She’s going to need to stay here for at least a week, and even then she’s going to need to rest for a few more weeks.” Mike lowered the blanket, settling it just below her navel, showing John the long incision covered in bandages that ran down the center of her abdomen. “We were able to repair the tear, and get the bleeding to stop. You got here–”

“ – if I’d lost her again… especially so soon after losing Isabella…” John’s voice choked as he reached out to run his fingers softly across her skin. How many close calls had she had in her life?

Mike couldn’t help the sadness he felt watching John. Having lost his first love to cancer years earlier, he could understand better than most what John was feeling. Quietly he said, You saved her life.”

John looked up, and he wiped at his eyes. “You saved her life, Mike. You called me, insisted they pull me out of a meeting -even when I had expressly said I was not to be interrupted – and you got me here. I can’t even begin to tell you what that means to me.” He paused for a moment, and then asked, “How did you even think to check her file?”

Mike smiled, “It was my grandma, actually.”

“Alice?” John smiled back, making plans to track down Alice Horton and thank her. “Whatever the reason,” he glanced back down at Marlena, “Doc’s alive.”

“I’m going to go finish my rounds, and head home for the day,” Mike told him. “I’ll give you some time with her. It helps to talk to her as she’s coming out of the anesthesia.”

“Was anyone able to reach Roman?” John asked.

Mike stood in the doorway, watching John stare down at a woman he had once loved. There was something still there. It was evident in the way he’d touched her, and the way he spoke when he was near her. “Not yet. Abe is working on it.”

John gave Mike a short nod, and then he rolled a nearby stool close to Marlena’s bed. Taking a seat, he barely heard the latch of the door as Mike left the room. His hand took hers, and he stared at her small fingers for a moment. In the last few hours he’d called Caroline at the pub, and checked on Sami and Eric. Caroline had told him she’d take care of tracking down Carrie, and letting the rest of the family know, which had freed John to focus on two things: Marlena, and his seething rage at Roman Brady.

He brushed the pad of his thumb across the soft skin of her palm, and he started talking quietly. “The first time I ever remember seeing you in person was in this hospital. I hadn’t spoken a word. I didn’t even know the sound of my own voice.” He leaned forward, and stroked her face gently. “It’s so odd when I think about it… not knowing my own voice, but when I heard yours, Doc, it changed my life. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but Victor had Nurse Honeycutt show me photos of the Brady’s, and other people in Salem on a daily basis. I mostly ignored them, but your face… when I would see your face – with your honey blonde hair , and those flashing amber eyes – I felt like I knew you better than I could ever know myself. Afterall, who was I anyway? But you? You, Doc? You drew me in with a simple photo.”

John was quiet for a long time, and then he said, “There were weeks when I was silent. I lived in a world where first Stefano, and then Victor had all of the control… later it was Steve Johnson. Steve had the control, and I was like a ship adrift at sea. But I would sometimes close my eyes and remember your face from the photograph. I would imagine the sound of your voice, and I would see those kind eyes staring back at me. When I finally met you, all I could do was stare at you in awe. The soft cadence of you when you spoke… you radiated empathy and kindness, and in my life – I knew nothing of it. Nothing.”

Marlena started to rouse, and John continued to softly brush his fingers over her palm and across the velvet skin on top of her hand. “But you, Doc… you opened the whole world to me in a single meeting. Kind of funny how that happens, huh?”

When Marlena’s eyes fluttered open, she stared at him, hazy with anesthesia. “John?”

“Hey there, pretty lady.” He wiped at his eyes feeling the sting of tears.

“What happened?” She was confused. Her hand went to her abdomen, when she felt a deep, aching pain. She couldn’t remember.

“What can you recall?” He leaned closer, and gently traced his fingers over her bandaged cheek.

“I’m not sure,” she whispered. Her memories of that day were jumbled together. Roman was gone, so she’d been in a rush getting the twins ready for school. She’d dropped them off, and then… she drove to work. Did she make it to work? “I was going to work. I think I was driving to work.”

“The new stoplight system they put in over by the high school… someone got confused,” he said softly. “They anticipated the light and hit your car. You had a tear in your spleen. You were bleeding internally.”

“I don’t remember,” her eyes closed briefly, and then they opened. “Where’s Roman?”

John’s eyes flashed with anger, but all he said was, “Abe’s trying to locate him.”

“I don’t understand… then who approved my surgery?”

“Alice Horton told Mike about the power of attorney in your records… I signed it,” he said.

Marlena stared at him for a moment. There was more to the story. There had to be, because she had never told John about that document. In fact, she filed it away and forgot about it entirely, because when they had returned from Mexico, Roman had so much animosity towards John, and Isabella seemed so insecure about her that she’d left it alone.

Seeing the questions in her eyes, he smiled lovingly and told her, “I signed it, and somehow Mike found a notary willing to backdate it.”

In an instant she realized that while she’d been near death there were people in her life willing to break laws to save her life. Alice telling Mike. Mike calling John, and John coming to the hospital to sign a power of attorney paper that was sitting unsigned in her hospital file for almost a year… and Roman was still missing.

Her hand reached for his forearm, and she stroked the skin. Looking up at him intently, she whispered, “So, you saved my life.”

“That was never in question, Doc.” He leaned closer, kissing her forehead, and when he found her staring at him, he kissed her lips softly. “That was never a question.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Oh, take me back to the night we met

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman drove the car in silence with Taylor sitting beside him. He was fucking up his whole life. He could still feel Taylor’s lips on his. He could still remember the groan that had escaped him, and the way he’d closed his eyes when he slid his hard cock into her while she’d stared up at him and scratched at his back. He’d fucked her in a seedy hotel room, when they should have been focusing on the surveillance they were there to do.

He glanced over at Taylor, “We can’t do this anymore… what we’ve been doing.”

“You’re having an affair,” Taylor said bluntly. “So you can stop calling it this.” Her feelings were hurt, and she was embarrassed. What was she to Roman? It had started out as a bit of teasing fun, but she had realized recently that what she felt for him was past the point of fun. She was in love with him.

“I’m married,” he said, staring at the road ahead while his fingers clenched the steering wheel.

She found herself getting angry, “You weren’t thinking about your marriage when you were fucking me six ways from Sunday.”

“I have to start thinking about it,” Roman told her. “Doc could be dying, and I was so G-d damned distracted I missed the calls.” He could still see himself taking the telephone in the hotel room off the hook, and then pushing Taylor back on the bed. Recalling the look on Abe’s face, Roman wasn’t sure if Abe knew exactly what he’d interrupted, or if he merely suspected it. He glanced over at Taylor and saw the hurt in her face. In a softer tone, he said, “Hey… hey… when we started this you knew I was married.” But it didn’t change anything. 

“I love you,” she whispered. Her heart was breaking. Abe wasn’t going to allow Roman to have her help him anymore, and she knew their time together would basically cease altogether.

“I love my wife,” he replied softly.

Taylor looked at him with hard eyes, “You should have been thinking about that before you started fucking me.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When the night was full of terror

And your eyes were filled with tears

When you had not touched me yet

Oh, take me back to the night we met

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mike stared at Roman Brady with angry eyes, “I would think you would be grateful that I was able to save your wife’s life.”

“I am!” Roman told him in frustration. “All I asked is who signed the paperwork. I’m not an idiot. I know the policies at this hospital.”

Mike had hoped to avoid this situation, but being forced to face it he said, “Marlena had a power of attorney… in case you were unavailable. John Black approved her surgery.”

Roman was seething inside. Marlena had a power of attorney that gave John permission to make medical decisions for her? She’d never told him. He hadn’t known, and now he looked like foolish. “I’m her husband. That paper should be null and void!”

“That paper saved her life!” Mike replied, raising his voice. “Without it, Marlena would have died from her injuries.”

Roman couldn’t continue to argue. Marlena was alive because John had approved her surgery. So why was he angry? He was angry because he’d been fucking Taylor when Marlena was dying. He was angry because he should have been the person there to take care of her. He was angry, because John had stepped into his family, and his life once again. Roman knew that truthfully, he was angry because he’d failed, and that left John looking like a fucking hero.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John entered the pub right around dinner time. He was exhausted, and he was hungry. He’d left his meeting to head straight to the hospital. Food was the last thing on his mind. Caroline looked up, and saw him looking bedraggled. His tie was loose, his hair was mussed, but he gave her a tired smile as he told her, “She’s going to be okay. When I left she was resting again.”

“Oh, thank goodness!” Caroline said softly. “Shawn is on a supply run to Chicago, so I wasn’t able to get to the hospital.” She glanced towards the table where Eric and Sami were doing their homework, and she said, “I haven’t told them yet. I wanted to speak with you or Roman first.”

“Last I heard, Abe was still trying to find Roman, but I can speak with the Twinners… if you don’t mind…” 

Caroline nodded, and then watched as John walked towards the back corner booth where they sat. Realizing they all needed dinner, she flipped the closed sign on the pub entrance, and went into the back to get some bowls of chowder and bread.

As he approached them, he said, “How’s my two favorite people in the world?”

Sami’s head shot up, and she looked around, “Daddy?” 

“Hey, Peanut.” He ruffled her hair, and then smiled at Eric, “Hey, slugger.”

“Daddy!” they cried, sliding their small bodies out of the booth and into his arms.

“I needed to talk to you about something that happened today,” he said gently. He thought about the relief he’d felt knowing that Marlena was going to recover, and he looked at the twins with love. “Now I don’t want you to be scared…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Take me back to the night we met

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: The Night We Met – Lord Huron

Chapter 16 – Gravity

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes to long

No matter what I say or do

I’ll still feel you here till the moment I’m gone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Roman sat next to Marlena’s hospital bed and stared down at her as she slept. According to Mike she could have died. She was bleeding internally, and only John’s quick action saved her. He stared at her hand lying limply at her side. He hadn’t yet touched her. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. He hadn’t physically touched her in weeks. Guilt controlled his every action. He looked down at his own hands, thinking about how only a few hours earlier they had been all over Taylor’s naked body. They’d been buried in her. He closed his eyes as he remembered the feel of them slipping through her slick folds. He choked on his own breath as his chest squeezed like a vice. Standing up, he pushed the stool back roughly, and stumbled towards the sink. He started scrubbing his hands, and he stared at them almost as if they belonged to someone else. His mind was assaulted by visions of sliding his hands over her breasts, and remembering the way he’d held onto the soft flesh of her hips – Roman gagged. Taylor would have marks on her body for the next week. He rushed into the bathroom, hanging his head over the toilet, and vomited up the contents of his stomach. His breath came raggedly, and when he finally glanced up, he didn’t recognize the man staring back at him. He stared at himself with self-loathing. He had fucked up his life, and his marriage, and he wasn’t sure if there was any way to salvage what was left.

After rinsing his mouth out with water, he gave himself one last once over before he walked out of the bathroom. He didn’t deserve Marlena. Not after what he’d done with Taylor. He had spent the last few weeks saying it was nothing more than flirtation, but once he’d had sex with someone other than his wife, there was no taking that back. He exited the bathroom, and stood in the middle of the room, watching Marlena’s prone body on the bed. What he’d done to her, the way he’d been treating her – he knew he had to change, but he was so angry. 

For seven years Stefano had attacked him. Physically with torture, sleep deprivation, and periodic starvation; however, the assault on his mind nearly destroyed him. It was the videos of his wife in bed with another man. It was her wedding… her wedding night. It was the photos of his children growing older with someone else playing daddy. His gut clenched. It was his family accepting John into the fold and calling him Roman. He had so much anger inside himself that he felt it constantly vibrating. He couldn’t escape it, and he’d tried. He’d tried to connect with Marlena, and the children. He’d tried to forgive his family, but he struggled to look at them and understand how they could have so easily believed that John was him. How could he get past it when Sami and Eric still called John, papa? How could he get past it when his family still treated John like part of the family? He glanced at Marlena, and mumbled, “When my wife still considers John one of her closest friends?”

Marlena had suggested therapy so many times he’d lost count, and he’d refused so many times she’d stopped asking. The subject had been dropped, but that didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, recently, it felt like she’d given up on them altogether. The distance between them was wider than the Grand Canyon, and he wasn’t sure where to start, or how to even begin to breach it. And now, he’d done more to hurt them than her emotional distance had ever done.

She laid immobile in her bed. She wasn’t sure why she was feigning sleep. Recently her interactions with Roman had grown so exhaustive and overwhelming, she avoided him entirely. She was avoiding him then. The constant arguing, the tension, and the animosity were all too much, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to leave him. She wasn’t sure if it was because she loved him, or if she pitied him. Whatever reason it was, she stayed married to him, when she was the lowest she’d ever been. After seven years with Stefano, Roman would never be the man he was. Although, in truth, much of Roman’s personality was intact. His anger was destroying them. It was in his snide comments about John, or the way he narrowed his eyes when the twins called John, papa. It was in the way he would excuse himself from the room if a family member remembered a funny story or a memory of John when he was Roman. How could they ever get past Roman’s anger, if Roman refused to even acknowledge it? He wouldn’t face it, and Marlena would almost welcome it if he would just explode and blame her for everything. That would be more honest than how they were currently living.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The door to Marlena’s room opened and Roman sighed in relief to see Kim poke her head in. He wasn’t ready to interact with anyone else, especially not John. If he saw John they would almost certainly end up arguing. He was still angry over Marlena’s power of attorney. “Hey, Kim.”

“How is she?” she asked him quietly. Kim pushed her strawberry blonde hair out of her face, as she stepped closer to Marlena’s bed. She felt guilty even though she’d had nothing to do with Marlena’s accident. “She was on her way to see me for an appointment.”

Roman sighed. He really didn’t want Marlena involved in Kim’s case at all. He didn’t want her working at the precinct either, even though Abe did nothing but rave about her work. He wanted her to be how she used to be. In a private practice, with set working hours, and available for him when he needed her. Instead, she had her private practice, but she was also doing side work for the Salem PD. When she was home, she was distracted by the kids – clubs, sporting events, etc. 

Kim saw the look on her brother’s face change. Softly, she said, “I know you’re worried, but Marlena is helping me.”

Roman scoffed, “Marlena needs to focus on her family.” What he really meant was him. She needed to focus on him, but he felt like she focused on everyone else in her life.

“I am her family,” she told him. “And you are stuck in the past, Roman Brady.”

He sat down dejectedly, sliding the stool back to Marlena’s bedside. His head hung, and he stared at her hand, still unable to bring himself to touch her. “Nothing is the same.”

Kim slid her hand over Roman’s shoulder as she came to stand behind him. “It’s unrealistic to expect things to be the same. Too much has happened. Roman, you were gone for seven years.”

He turned quickly on the stool. Leaning towards her, he hissed, “I know!” Glancing at Marlena to make sure he didn’t wake her, he said, “But for seven G-d damned years I was tortured in a jungle, and I wasn’t even missed.”

“You were missed!” she said. “We mourned you–”

“For how long?” he asked her with derision. “The only thing that kept me alive was knowing that I might be able to make my way home – but you want to know what that sick fuck did to me? Because destroying me physically wasn’t enough. He forced me to watch videos of my wife falling in love with someone else… fucking to someone else. I was given photo albums full of pictures, and in all of them was John Black! And, of course, all of them were labeled in Ma’s handwriting with my name. Roman.”

Marlena heard the pain in his voice, but she continued to lie there. He was saying more to Kim about those seven years than he had ever said to her. The thought of Stefano having access to intimate moments between her and John made her feel sick. The fact that Roman had been forced to watch them was heart wrenching. What had he seen? She thought about her wedding night, her honeymoon… her reunion with John in Stockholm. Somewhere out there there were videos of her most intimate moments.

Kim took a deep breath. “You never said… Roman, why did you keep this to yourself? Have you told Marlena?”

He clenched his fists, feeling the trembling start in his muscles. He forced himself to rein his emotions back in pushing the vibrations down. He glanced at his wife. He would never tell her. Shrugging his shoulders as if he didn’t care, he said, “It changes nothing.”

“Roman! What you went through – what you experienced – it matters! But, you have to also understand that time did not stand still for us while you were gone.” Kim kept her voice soft and caring, but it didn’t matter. Roman had never been easy to deal with. Even before his time with Stefano he had always been very ego centered, with his wants and his needs holding court over everyone in his life. She watched as his eyes turned hard, and he emotionally withdrew. She reached for him, “Don’t do this.”

He thought about John, and he asked her, “Did you even question it, Kim? Or did you take Marlena’s word for it? She just pulled John into your lives, announced he was me… and what? You all embraced him? You welcomed him home? You let him move into my house, and raise my children?”

Kim stepped back at the venom in his voice. “No,” she said quietly. “It wasn’t like that.” She thought about Victor, and the KGB chasing them through the forest in Gauley Valley. The fear, and terror that had been her constant companion as she went into labor with Andrew. Had no one told Roman what had happened during that time? Then there were all the memories that John had – Roman’s memories. They couldn’t have known that Stefano would be so diabolical. They would have never even considered that Stefano had the technology to do something like that. “So much happened… Victor he…” she started to shake, feeling hazy in her mind. She couldn’t seem to hold on to her train of thought. “… the KGB…”

Roman was so entrenched with his own pain and anger that he ignored her obvious signs of distress. “What, Kim? What?!” he hissed. He leaned closer, staring at her, and the anger exploded as he roared, “All of you fucking believed he was me!”

Marlena’s body jolted in surprise where she laid, and even though she kept her eyes closed, she felt her breathing become choppy. She’d never heard him so filled with rage in all of the time she’d known him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Set me free, leave me be

I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be

But you’re on to me and all over me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kim started to shake, and she could hear whispers in her mind. Lacey. Claire. There was pressure on her mind, and she closed her eyes trying to hold it back. Lacey was screaming. Telling her she wasn’t safe. Softly, she whispered to herself, stumbling backwards, “No… no, no…”

By the time Roman realized what was happening it was too late. “Shit,” he muttered, standing up quickly, stepping towards his sister. Marlena’s eyes opened, as the two other people in the room stared at each other. “Kim,” he said. “Kim… stay with me…”

The eyes of a stranger stared back at him. It was Kim, but it wasn’t Kim. She shoved Roman’s hands aside as he reached for her, and she said, “Back up! Back the fuck up!” Lacey looked around the room in a panic, trying to gather where she was. A hospital. She saw Marlena in the bed watching her, but she didn’t care. Dr. Evans was not a problem she concerned herself with. Dr. Evans wasn’t a threat.

“Lacey,” Roman said, watching her.

“Fuck you,” she replied. “You don’t know anything about that time, you fucking pig. You don’t know shit because you weren’t here! Don’t judge her!”

He stood there confused for a moment, and then it dawned on him, Lacey was there to protect Kim, because he’d been blaming her for accepting John. He held up his hands conceding for the moment. “I’m sorry. Look, I’m sorry… can you let Kim come back? Please let her come back?”

Lacey stared at him with hard eyes, “No. I don’t think I will. I protect her! I keep her safe!”

“I wouldn’t hurt her,” Roman said.

“Then why the fuck am I here?” she laughed, pushing the hair back from her face. “If you wouldn’t hurt her, then why am I here? Hurt comes in more ways than just a beatin’. I know that. You don’t know shit. Before you start accusing, and making judgements of other people you need to consider your own actions…” Lacey stared at him for a moment, aware that Marlena was watching the interaction with interest. She leaned closer to Roman, “I been here since the beginning, you know.”

“The beginning?”

“Since the first time Uncle Eric put his nasty hands on her little body, I been here! When she thought she was closing her eyes, and pretending to be somewhere else… that was me! I protected her. From him… from you…” Marlena listened as Lacey spoke, and started to piece everything together. Lacey had killed Randy Houston when she’d felt threatened. She’d shot Roman for the same reason. She’d come out just then when Roman had refused to hear her explanations… because she’d felt unsafe.

Roman’s voice was soft when he said, “Let Kim come back, Lacey.”

“Why?” she sneered. “So you can bully and belittle her the same way you have her whole life? Anytime you didn’t get what you wanted – do you really think you’re so different now?” She laughed derisively. “Oh, you’re angrier, I’ll give you that, but…” She stepped closer, poking her finger into his chest, “You ain’t that different though, because you’re still an insecure bully.”

Marlena opened her mouth to speak. Her voice sounded rough to her own ears, “Roman?”

“Doc?” he asked, turning quickly towards her. He glanced nervously at Lacey, afraid of her unpredictability. 

Marlena’s voice was weak, but it came out stronger as she stared at Lacey. “Roman, I need you to leave.”

“Doc, I’m not leaving you here with her,” he said, never taking his eyes off of his sister.

Lacey smiled, “You afraid of me, Roman? If I had a gun, I’d shoot you again.”

“Roman,” Marlena said firmly, still watching the tense stance of Kim’s body in the middle of the room. Lacey was still firmly in control. “Leave. Now. Go get a doctor.”

Lacey laughed, “Ain’t you a doctor, Doc?”

The trembling rage started to build up inside him again. Marlena was just out of surgery. She was in no position to be dealing with Kim, and her mental health disorder. Why was she the one giving him orders? “No, I’m not leaving you alone here with her.”

“She’s your sister… and she won’t hurt me. Will you, Lacey?” Marlena’s eyes met and held Lacey’s, as she told Roman, “Go. Now.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, you loved me ‘cause I’m fragile

When I thought that I was strong

But you touch me for a little while

And all my fragile strength is gone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

It was well after visiting hours when John slipped into Marlena’s dim hospital room. The bathroom light was on, and the door was ajar casting a shaft of light across the floor. Marlena’s eyes opened, and she stared at him unblinking, almost relieved to see him there.

“I didn’t mean to wake you, Doc.” He approached the bed, “I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I would come check on you.”

“You didn’t wake me,” she said softly. “I couldn’t sleep either. There’s too much going on in my mind.” She couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation between Roman and Kim. His refusal to try and understand what his family had been through while Stefano held him captive was creating a wider rift. What they all needed was a safe space to discuss everything, but Roman continued to refuse any type of discussion. It was only due to his anger that he had revealed anything, and Marlena was certain – had he known she was listening – he wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. She knew that it tapped into his insecurities as a man. Roman’s pride was something he wore like a badge. It was closely tied to his emotions – anger, outrage, righteousness, and justice. He was so rigid in his thinking that he was closed off to the main premise of humanity – people make mistakes. 

John pulled the stool over to where she laid, and he asked her quietly, “Do you want to talk about it? I’m here if you want to unburden your mind.”

“Roman was here earlier… when I woke up. He was arguing with Kim. They were trying to be quiet, but I heard everything.” She sighed, “He said more to her about his time with Stefano–” Her breath shuddered, and tears filled her eyes. “When Stefano had Roman… he was torturing him. But it was worse, John. We’ve discussed this before, you and I, about what Stefano was capable of, and what he’s done to you… and what he may have done to Roman…” Marlena wasn’t sure how to tell John what she’d learned. It was such an intimate topic of conversation.

Her voice trailed off, and John saw that she was reluctant to finish her thought. “Hey,” he said softly. He reached for her hand. “Doc, you can tell me.”

“Stefano documented our whole life together, John. Videos, photos – when you and I were married and in love, we had no idea that we were being watched. Stefano used all of it in a mental war against Roman. He was physically torturing him, and forcing him to watch as his family moved on. I was with you, and once I was gone… Roman watched as you raised his children without me.”

He stared at her in surprise, momentarily unsure of what to say. It wasn’t as if it was something Stefano wouldn’t do. Stefano was capable of horrific things. What surprised him was that Roman had never mentioned it before. He swallowed thickly, “Did he say what he was shown?”

“He said he saw us making love.” She looked away again, taking a deep breath. She could only imagine how that must have been for Roman. The love between her and John, there would have been no hiding that. She thought about all of the times she’d made love to John. Sometimes it was slow and sensual, other times it was explosive and passionate. There was no way to know what Stefano had shown him, but she knew that it didn’t matter. The outcome would have been the same.

John saw the guilt in her eyes just before she’d turned away from him. He reached out, touching her face, “Don’t hide from me, Doc. You never have to hide from me.”

Her eyes lifted, and she saw him watching her intently. “That must have hurt Roman so badly.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, wiping the tears as they fell from her eyes. In a way he felt responsible. They still didn’t fully understand Stefano’s vendetta against the Brady’s, but he understood that he had played a role, whether willing or unwilling. “I’m sorry, baby.”

The term of endearment had slipped from his lips so easily, that Marlena stared at him for a moment. It felt so natural to have him there with her. It was so easy with him. She wanted so badly to tell him how unhappy she was, how complicated her life had become… how much she missed their time together. She didn’t say any of those things. Instead she said, “Roman was angry… and he started raising his voice, making accusations towards the family. It triggered Lacey’s reemergence.”

John closed his eyes, “Shit. Is Kimmy okay?”

“She is.” John’s soft touch against her palm was such a calming force. “Roman left here angry with me. He hasn’t returned.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Set me free, leave me be

I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be

But you’re on to me and all over me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stayed quiet, waiting for Marlena to explain further. Even in the dim light of the room, he saw the sadness in her face. He laced their fingers together, and leaned his elbows on the bed, staring up at her.

“I told him to leave the room. Lacey was agitated, and his presence was making her unpredictable. Lacey had only emerged because she felt like Kim was being threatened. She wasn’t in danger. Roman would never hurt her, but Lacey doesn’t trust him. His level of verbal aggression, and his voice tone… Lacey felt that Kim was in danger.” She sighed, “So, I asked him to leave. He refused, and Lacey escalated, so then… in order to take control of the situation, I ordered him out of the room. He didn’t return.”

Roman hadn’t returned because Roman was a misogynistic, stubborn ass, but John wouldn’t say that to Marlena. Instead he sighed, “How is Kim?”

“I was able to calm Lacey, and eventually get Kim to emerge again… but it took time.” She stared into John’s expressive eyes, and she said, “If only I could have gotten Lacey to emerge during a session. To record it. How am I going to prove to the judge that Kim has MPD if I can’t manage that?”

“I think, Doc, that you are an amazing psychiatrist. You’ll figure this out. I have no doubt.”

“I wish Roman felt that way. The divide between us seems to grow larger every day, and I’m not sure how to reach him. He won’t open up to me. It’s only when he’s angry or yelling that things slip out. How are we supposed to reconnect?” She glanced towards the window and then back to her fingers entwined with John’s. How was she supposed to reconnect with Roman, when what she felt with John was so easy? “I never would have known that Stefano had us videotaped or that photos were taken… Roman was yelling at Kim, and the pain in his voice – John, that pain came out as anger, and it will continue to until he confronts this.”

“Until he confronts us,” John replied quietly.

Marlena stared at him, and repeated, “Until he confronts us.” She closed her eyes, and allowed her head to fall back against the pillow.

“It’s late, Doc.” John stood up, leaning over her to kiss her forehead. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep? I can come by to see you tomorrow.”

“Did you see the children earlier?” she asked, opening her eyes.

He pushed her soft hair off of her cheek, “I did. When I left they were making cards for you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see

That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground

But you’re neither friend nor foe

Though I can’t seem to let you go

The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down

You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There was a sadness in John’s eyes that Marlena recognized. It sometimes happened after deep conversations when they discussed the impact that Stefano had on their lives. John harbored guilt, even though he hadn’t willingly played a role. He felt that he’d brought Stefano into their lives, when, in truth, Stefano had brought John into theirs. John felt guilty for taking over Roman’s life, which was why he gave up so easily. Marlena understood him better than he understood himself sometimes. The fact that he’d given up and walked away from her in Mexico was because John didn’t feel he had a right to be with her, or fight for the children. He’d given up his job, and even his bank accounts. John had walked away from them all, and allowed Roman to step in.

Marlena tightened her grip on his hand, pulling him closer. John fell forward, catching himself on his arm on the opposite side of her body near her hip. She gasped softly as a stab of pain went through her, and then her breath caught in her throat as she stared up at him. Reaching for his jaw, she traced her fingers across his skin tenderly. “I don’t regret my life with you. I want you to know that. It doesn’t matter how you came into my life, I have cherished every moment with you. I am grateful that you are still in my life, and that my children can depend on you.”

His thumb stroked her chin. She was beautiful, even with no sleep, and no makeup. It was the way her blonde hair curled around her face, and the way her eyes seemed to reach inside his soul. There were times over the last year where he hadn’t been sure if she was pulling him in or pushing him away, but it didn’t matter. He wanted nothing more than to remain in her orbit for the rest of his life. If that was only possible as her friend, he would be the best friend she’d ever had. “Get some sleep, Doc.”

He lowered himself until his lips hovered over hers, and then he looked into her eyes. Seeing no hesitation there, he kissed her softly, allowing his lips to linger for the shortest moment before he pulled back. “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re on to me, on to me, and all over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Gravity – Sara Bareilles

Chapter 17 – Can You Die From a Broken Heart

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The flowers in my hallway died two weeks ago

And just like you, I didn’t have the heart to see them go

I know it sounds pathetic, I guess it kind of is

Emotions burn in different lights, and now it’s just what it is

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John entered his silent house just after two o’clock in the morning. He shouldn’t have kissed Marlena, although it wasn’t more than a perfunctory goodbye kiss, even if he did linger a few seconds too long. But he knew he’d felt more in the moment than simply saying goodbye. He hadn’t even realized that he’d needed the reassurance she was offering him, until she offered it. I don’t regret my life with you. He could still hear her soft voice. He would never regret his life with her. He rubbed his palms over his face, and walked towards the cabinet over the sink. He pulled out the whiskey bottle, and grabbed a glass from where he kept them. Pouring himself the equivalent of at least four shots, he stared at the glass. 

Walking out onto his back porch, he glanced out over the large expanse of lawn. It opened up into a wide open field. There were other houses further away, but John had always loved the privacy of this property. He set his glass down on the table and walked towards the fireplace, throwing in a log, and then crouched down to get the fire started. He wouldn’t be able to sleep for a while, and thankfully he’d canceled any meetings he had for the rest of the week. 

He sank into the sofa, and stared into the flickering flames as they grew. Isabella would have loved this house. They could have raised Brady there, and fixed it up together. He sighed, leaning back and swirling his drink, watching the amber liquid slosh around. “Fuck, Izzy-B,” he said softly, staring up at the night sky. “I wish you were here. I wish you could tell me what to do… or give me some direction. I feel so lost without you here.”

He took a sip of the whiskey, appreciating the warmth and the burn as it went down. “I kissed Doc tonight. I shouldn’t have, but she looked so lost, you know. There’s a sadness in her eyes that seems to grow every time I see her. Maybe it was comfort… maybe, I’ve been wanting to do it since Mexico. Fuck… I don’t know.”

Another sip, and he closed his eyes. The flames in the hearth had started heating the space around him, and he felt himself start to relax. He thought about his recent attraction to Hailey, and his reemerging attraction to Marlena. It was just because he was lonely. That was all. He couldn’t allow himself to believe it was anything else. “If you were here… things wouldn’t be so complicated,” he said, but then he felt immediately guilty. He didn’t want to admit that having Isabella in his life had been a buffer for the feelings he would always harbor for Marlena. He’d loved Isabella, she meant more to him than that. Smiling to himself, he could almost hear his wife beside him laughing. “Okay, you’re right. My life has always been complicated. Who am I kidding?” 

Warmth flowed through his veins, and he tipped his glass back, taking in the rest of the whiskey. He wanted more, but he refused to get up and get it. Besides, he didn’t want to be drunk. The amount he’d had was enough to loosen his muscles, and his thoughts. Opening his eyes, he was surprised to see Hailey standing in front of him. He smiled, reaching for her as if she were part of a dream, “C’mere.”

Her heart was racing as she placed her small hand inside his larger one. She allowed him to pull her closer. With concern she asked him, “John? Are you okay?” He’d been talking to his wife again. He did that sometimes, and every time she heard him, it broke her heart.

He stared up at her, and then scanned over her body. She was wearing a long t-shirt that was obviously oversized. He couldn’t help but smile at the faded Guns-n-Roses logo on it. Her hair was loose, hanging in long copper waves halfway down her back, but it was her bare feet and her legs that entranced him. Her skin looked so soft. Reaching out, he slipped his palms around the back of her thighs just above her knees, pulling her even closer.

With a soft groan, he whispered, “I’m so lonely, Hailey. So fucking lonely.”

Her breath came in choppy waves. She was afraid to break the spell around them. She was afraid he would stop. His palms pushed upward, underneath her t-shirt, and she let the air out of her lungs in a rush, “Oh…”

“You’re a beautiful woman, Hailey.” John looked up at her. He was close to being drunk, and he knew it. “I shouldn’t be touching you.”

“I want you to,” she whispered softly. 

He cupped his hands underneath her ass, squeezing softly. “So fucking soft…” He closed his eyes and leaned forward, rubbing his face over the soft cotton of her t-shirt, allowing himself to feel her warmth against his cheek. How many times had he caressed Marlena in this manner? How many times had he buried his face in the gently rounded softness of her abdomen? He opened his eyes. This was not Marlena. Dropping his hands, he whispered roughly, “You need to go back to bed, Hailey, before I do something we both regret.”

More than anyone in her life, she trusted John. Softly, she said, “I want you to.”

“Oh, no, little girl,” he chuckled softly, sitting back, as he stared up at her. “I’m intoxicated, and I’m not in love with you. I would regret it in the morning, and you deserve better.”

She stepped closer, “Maybe, I don’t want better.”

“Too bad,” he said roughly. “Go to bed, Hailey.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, bless those friends giving me sorries and sympathies

Know they’re just trying to help

I see you in this house, the city streets

Polaroids, memories, still had some stories to tell

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He stood up, feeling dizzy and realized he was actually drunk. He hadn’t been dumb enough to get drunk in a long time. He swayed on his feet, and Hailey reached for him. He didn’t intend to hurt her as he pushed her hands away, but he saw the pain residing in her eyes anyway. It would be so easy to reach for her. So easy to pull her soft willing body against his, and allow himself to disappear in a night of pleasure. He reached out, cupping Hailey’s face, “Some day, a man is going to fall deeply in love with you, but that man can’t be me.”

She stood alone on the porch watching him walk away as tears fell from her eyes. She’d read in books her whole life that love could be the most painful emotion. She’d always doubted it until that moment. She followed him into the house, and then silently walked by him where he stood in the kitchen. He leaned against the kitchen island, his head hanging low while his hands propped him up.

John heard Hailey softly walk past him, and then he whispered, “Izzy-B… I need you to send me a sign. What am I supposed to do? I’m so confused.” It wasn’t just loneliness, it was the attraction to Marlena. When he touched Hailey, it was Marlena he thought about when he closed his eyes. That was what stopped him from going further every time. He wasn’t about to hurt Hailey, and he couldn’t have Marlena.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They say time heals all wounds, is it ever enough?

I wanna learn how to cope, wanna learn how to love again

Oh, I’ve been tryna hold on, but I’m falling apart

Tell me, can you die from a broken heart?

Tell me, can you die from a broken heart?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Marlena’s eyes opened to the sound of muffled arguing in the hallway. The early morning light streamed in her window. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was eight o’clock in the morning. She turned her head, and saw Roman standing just outside her room in the hallway. She didn’t understand what he was saying, but his frustration was obvious. His brows were drawn, and he was waving his hands around. She leaned slightly to the left, trying to see who he was talking to, and she saw Taylor McCall standing there. She rolled back, and rested her head on her pillow.

Roman leaned towards Taylor, saying quietly but forcefully, “You can’t be here right now!”

“When can I see you?” she asked him. “You can’t make love to me, and then blow me off as if making love to me meant nothing to you.”

“Taylor, he said quietly. “I–I never said it meant nothing… but I told you, it was a mistake. It can’t happen again.”

“Don’t tell me it was a mistake,” she choked out. “Don’t cheapen what we did. You made love to me… I made love to you.”

“It was wrong,” he hissed. “I’m married, and while I was… while I was… with you, my wife was in this hospital having surgery to save her life! I should have been here, but I wasn’t!” He glanced around to make sure no one was watching or listening, and he said, “I’ve been so angry since I came home, that I haven’t given her a chance, and she – Taylor, she’s been trying so hard.”

“You said she didn’t care anymore,” she said with hurt in her voice.

“Because I pushed her away! I pushed her away until she stopped trying – I did that!” He glanced towards Marlena’s room, making sure she was still asleep. “I have to fix this! I’ve broken my marriage vows, but I have to at least try to fix it.”

“I love you,” she whispered. “You did that. You’ve made me fall in love with you, and now you don’t want that love. What am I supposed to do with it, Roman? What am I supposed to do with all this love I have for you, now that you don’t want it?”

Roman stared at her. He cared for her, much more than he should. He knew, if given different circumstances, he could even love her. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, reaching for her hand. It felt so small in his. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“But you have, and I hate you for it,” she cried quietly. She didn’t stop him, when he reached out and wiped the tears from his face. She felt as if there was a part of her that deserved this. What had started as fun, with no regard for his wife’s feelings had developed into something so much larger. She’d never been in love before, and this is what she got for opening her heart up. She wasn’t even sure when it had happened.

Roman felt his own heart break a little. “Taylor… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” she told him barely above a whisper. “Don’t. You said we’re done. Then we’re done.” She wiped at her tears furiously, and turned to walk away from him.

Marlena watched as Roman grabbed Taylor by her wrist, pulling her back so that she couldn’t walk away from him. He glanced around, and then pulled her out of view. Her eyes fluttered again, and she felt sleep pulling her down. The pain medication, and the healing process were tiring. She allowed sleep to take her, and had only a fleeting moment where she wondered what her husband might be hiding. She would forget it even happened by the following day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I used to be the strong one, now this has got me broke

I want you in the present, not someone I used to know

Oh, bless those friends giving me sorries and sympathies

I know they’re just trying to help

I see you in my morning coffee grounds, I can’t drink coffee now

It makes me bitter as hell

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The door closed behind them, and Roman stared down at Marlena with hungry eyes. The tension between them had been building for hours, ever since he’d saved her from Orpheus. Even as the early light of dawn was streaming through the window, Roman knew there was no way they were going to sleep. He cleared his throat, asking her, “Do you want to take a shower, while I order dinner?”

“We’re eating in? Thank goodness, I don’t want anything or anyone between you and I tonight. I want you all to myself,” she said, stepping closer to him, and gently placing her palm on his chest. “I want just you, and me, and–”

“ – and what?” he asked her.

“The bed,” she whispered, tracing her finger down the column of his neck. “Or the shower, or the wall…or all of them…”

“Fuck, baby,” he groaned softly. “I missed you so much.”

“We can discuss how much you missed me later.” She popped the top button of his shirt seductively, whispering, “What I want right now is you and me, naked, in the shower.”

She turned to start walking away, but Roman grabbed her wrist, pulling her back to him. He stared down at her with arousal blown eyes, already feeling the swelling of his cock in his jeans. Pushing her back against the wall, his mouth took hers, and she opened her lips, groaning into him. He could feel the vibration of it in his chest. Roman took her arms, pinning them to the wall over her head, and he buried his face in her hair. “I was so scared,” he murmured. “So G-d damned scared, baby, and to have you here right now, in my arms… I swear to G-d, I better not be dreaming.”

“You’re not dreaming,” she whispered. “It feels too real to be a dream.” Roman pushed his body against hers holding her in place. She cried out when his teeth bit at the soft skin of her jaw, “Oh, my G-d!”

“I missed you, Doc. I missed you so much,” he whispered, dragging his mouth across her skin. “I would dream of you, and wake up with my heart in my throat. Everytime we got close to finding you, and you slipped through my fingers, I would die just a little more.”

Roman started tugging at the buttons on her blouse, desperate to get his hands on her skin. She arched into him, watching with wide eyes as he stared down at her. She struggled to get free, but Roman’s firm voice stopped her. “Don’t move, Doc. I want you right where you are, do you understand me?”

Her core clenched. Their love making had been so different since his return. He was different. The aggressive forcefulness he’d previously possessed had been directed at his job, and the way he controlled his life. Since his return, it had changed focus. In the bedroom that focus was her, and she bloomed. They’d found a passion she hadn’t known before. She’d never say she loved this version of Roman more, but she could admit that she loved him differently. Letting him take control in the bedroom had been so easy.

She stared up at him, and nodded, acknowledging what he told her, and then she whined, when she heard the tear of silk as the last button popped free. “Roman!” she cried, arching her body into his touch. “Roman… please!”

“We aren’t going to make it into the shower just yet,” he whispered. “I’m going to bury myself in you, right here against the wall.”

“Yes,” she hissed, picturing his face as he would slide into her. 

“I’m going to release your wrists, but don’t move. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

Roman stepped back, scanning over her body where she stood with her arms over her head against the wall. Her shirt was open, showing glimpses of bare skin, and the white lace of her bra. His hands shook as he unbuttoned his own shirt, shrugging it to the floor. He reached for her, unfastening her jeans, and Marlena gasped when he roughly tugged them with her panties over her hips. The cool air against her sex caused her to shiver, and whine as she watched him open his jeans with a shaky hand. This wasn’t going to be slow.

Pulling his length out, she moaned watching him pump along his length several times to try and relieve some pressure. “Roman,” she whispered. “I need you.”

“Are you wet?” he asked with a rough voice.

“Yes.” She squeezed her thighs together in anticipation, feeling the ache in her clit. Staring at him as a challenge, she added, “Touch me.”

He groaned low in his throat as he slid his fingers between her legs, “Open your legs wider, baby. Let me feel how wet you are.”

Her legs shook with anticipation. His eyes held hers as he pushed his fingers deep, rubbing over the spot inside of her that made her see stars. “Roman!”

He pulled his fingers from her body, and slid his sticky fingers under her thighs, lifting her high against the wall. Marlena allowed her arms to fall and steady herself on his shoulders, and she leaned down, licking across his lips. Roman’s mouth opened as he breathed, “Fuck”, and then bit the skin of her collarbone. “Fuck, Doc, I need you. I need you so much.”

Linking her legs behind his back, she laced her fingers through his hair, and whispered in his ear, “Make love to me, Roman… fuck me.”

He slid his engorged cock into her roughly, forcing her to cry out at his quick intrusion, and then he bit her nipple through her bra. Marlena’s head fell back against the wall with a thump, and a cry of pleasure. He pulled out of her heated sex, only to push back in immediately.

Marlena’s eyes flew open as she started coming in the silence of her hospital room. Her muscles clenched, and she felt the ache of it in her incision, while her body took control completing her orgasm for her. She moaned, feeling the wetness coat her inner thighs. Her head fell back against her pillow, and she struggled to get her mind to the present. “What the fuck was that?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They say time heals all wounds, is it ever enough?

I wanna learn how to cope, wanna learn how to love again

Oh, I’ve been tryna hold on, but I’m falling apart

Tell me, can you die from a broken heart?

Tell me, can you die from a broken heart?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John’s eyes flew open across town, and he woke to find himself coming all over his bedsheets and his abdomen. Images of Marlena pressed against the wall in Stockholm, combined with memories of her soft breathy whimpers, and the taste of her mouth still on his filled his mind. “Ah, ah… shit,” he groaned, arching up, and palming his erect cock roughly. He pulled at his length, closing his eyes, while stars and blissful blackness took over. Laying in his bed in the early morning light, he could hear Brady and Hailey moving around down the hall, but he couldn’t think clearly as he tried to get his mind where it needed to be. He had never had a dream as realistic, or as life-like as that one. Glancing down he realized his hand was coated in his own sexual release. He groaned, wiping it on the sheet underneath him, and he whispered to himself, “What the fuck was that?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Can you die from a broken heart?

Tell me, can you die from a broken heart?

Tell me, can you die from a broken heart?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Can You Die From a Broken Heart – Nate Smith & Avril Lavigne

Chapter 18 – If You Could Read My Mind

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If you could read my mind, love

What a tale my thoughts could tell

Just like an old-time movie

‘Bout a ghost from a wishing well

In a castle dark, or a fortress strong

With chains upon my feet

You know that ghost is me

And I will never be set free

As long as I’m a ghost you can’t see

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Carrie opened the door, John knew immediately that something was wrong. She was crying and holding the phone to her ear. With a pained look she cried helplessly, “They put me on hold!”

“Where’s Marlena?” he asked in a panicked voice. He’d come to see her, and he’d waited a few days before coming because he knew Roman would likely be rude to him the whole time he was there. 

“Upstairs,” Carrie cried, still holding onto the phone as if she didn’t know what to do. “I can’t wake her up!”

“Hang up!” he yelled, dropping the flowers he was holding, and running towards the stairs. “Where the fuck is Roman?” he yelled over his shoulder. He took the stairs two at a time, and ran down the hallway towards the bedroom he used to share with Marlena.

“I can’t get a hold of him, and he called me and left a message on my answering machine telling me to come over, and check on Marlena… but he was supposed to be here!” She couldn’t stop sobbing as she followed John down the hall. She’d arrived only minutes earlier to find that Marlena was unresponsive. It was too much, and she wasn’t sure what to do, so she’d tried to call her father, but then the station had put her on hold and left her there. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“She’s burning up with fever!” John knelt by the bed, checking Marlena’s pulse. She was breathing, but her pulse felt weak. “Do you know when Roman left her?”

Carrie continued to cry. She didn’t have an answer for him. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault, Punkin’.” John threw the blankets off of Marlena’s overheated body, and lifted her into his arms, saying to Carrie, “Go get in the car. We’re taking her to the hospital.”

She felt relief like she’d never felt before. Her daddy was going to take control of the situation. She turned on her heel, and left the room heading downstairs. She could hear John behind her talking to Marlena, “Hey, Doc. I’m gonna need you to wake up for me. Can you do that, baby? Can you wake up for me?”

He got no response. Her eyes didn’t even flutter. Carrie held the door for him as he left the house and he heard her close it behind them. Kissing Marlena softly on the mouth, he whispered, “I’m going to get you all fixed up. I just need you to hang on for a few minutes. Just a few minutes.” He placed her gently in the back seat, and then glanced at Carrie as he got into the driver’s seat. “Let’s go. Seatbelt.”

“I’m scared,” Carrie sobbed softly. “I didn’t know what to do. I panicked… and they put me on hold! I said it was an emergency!”

John reached over, taking Carrie’s hand in his, and laced his fingers through hers. “This is not your fault. Do you understand?” It was Roman’s. Marlena was not supposed to be left alone. Someone was supposed to be with her at all times. What the fuck was Roman thinking?

“I left my apartment this morning, because I had a biology class followed by a lab. I was gone for four hours! Four hours!” She wiped at her eyes furiously. “It’s not fair to do that to me! I don’t know how long she was alone and now, if something bad happens, it’s my fault!” The guilt was overwhelming. She glanced into the back seat of the car, and noticed that Marlena’s head had fallen to the side, and her lips had taken on a bluish tinge. “Daddy! Somethings wrong!”

“Shit!” John pulled the car to the side of the road, slamming the brakes, and putting on his hazard lights. Carrie watched in awe as he threw open the back door, and slid into the back seat with Marlena. He looked up at her with wide eyes, and said, “I need  you to drive us to the hospital. Now. You can panic when we get there, but right now, Carrie, you have to hold yourself together and do this. Do you understand?”

All she could do was nod her head, and scurry out of the car. Closing the back door, she saw in the rearview mirror as John started CPR in the backseat. Putting the car in drive, she merged back onto the road toward the hospital going well over the speed limit. In the backseat she heard John whispering desperately, “Don’t you fucking do this to me, Doc! I can’t lose you too! I can’t. I need you! I need you! Please! Baby!”

He gave her two rescue breaths and then continued doing another round of chest compressions. When Carrie pulled into the Emergency Room roundabout ten minutes later, John didn’t even wait for medical personnel to come outside. Lifting Marlena’s limp body gingerly in his arms, he shouted, “Park the car, and meet me inside!” All Carrie felt was safety. She’d felt so lost and helpless recently, but knowing that her daddy was there somehow made everything bearable.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If I could read your mind, love

What a tale your thoughts could tell

Just like a paperback novel

The kind he drugstore sells

When you reach the part

Where the heartaches come, the hero would be me

Heroes often fail

And you won’t read that book again

Because the ending’s just too hard to take

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stared at Mike with confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“A rupture of the spleen can occur up to ten days after the initial injury,” Mike told him. “But Dr. Kerr is the best surgeon on staff here at University.”

“Shouldn’t you have kept her here past the seven days then?” John was frustrated and scared, and he held Carrie close to him because she was still crying off and on. “If complications like this can arise, then you shouldn’t have sent her home!”

“Roman assured us that he knew what to look for, and he went through the training for wound care. We had no reason to believe that this would happen, John! It’s a very rare complication.” Mike wasn’t going to tell John that he was just as furious at Roman as he was. It wouldn’t solve anything, and it wouldn’t change anything, but he would definitely give Roman a piece of his mind when he saw him. “Has anyone been able to get a hold of Roman yet?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Across town Roman was signing the access sheet for the evidence room when Bo yelled, “Are you fucking serious right now?”

Turning around, Roman almost rolled his eyes at his brother, “What the hell is that supposed to mean? You know I have to make sure all the evidence is in order for the Corinthos case.”

Bo stalked towards him, “Marlena is back at the hospital. Ma and Pa, me, and Kim have all been looking everywhere for you, and this is where you’re hiding?”

“I’m not hiding, and besides, Carrie is with Marlena,” Roman said carelessly.

“Carrie is at the hospital with her, and John’s the one who took them.” Bo stared at Roman in frustration, “Look, you need to figure yourself out. Something is going on with you, and I don’t know what it is. You’re distracted, and your focus is not where it needs to be. But right now, you need to head over to the hospital. They’ve taken Marlena back into surgery. Her spleen ruptured.”

“Where the fuck was Carrie?” Roman yelled, heading quickly towards the basement stairs, heading up into the main part of the station.

“Carrie is eighteen! What was she going to do?” Bo asked him. “Did you even wait for her to show up before you left the house?”

“I left her a message. I knew she’d come as soon as she got it.” He was getting really sick of Bo acting like he was the reason Marlena was back in the hospital.

“You can’t do that!” Bo followed Roman into his office, watching as his brother grabbed his coat and put it on. “Carrie had class this morning! How long have you been here?” He thought about Marlena, and he asked his brother, “You just left her alone at the house, and hoped Carrie would get there?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carrie starred up into John’s blue eyes, and it nearly broke his heart. Smoothing the hair back from her face, he whispered, “This was not your fault, Punkin’. It’s Roman’s. I don’t usually like to speak ill of him in front of you kids, but you’re an adult now. What he did was negligent and irresponsible, but it was most certainly not your fault.”

She was so tired. She rested her face on John’s chest, and allowed herself to be comforted by him. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. Her dad. She’d missed him so much recently. It wasn’t as if she couldn’t see him, it was simply that things had changed. She wasn’t sure where she stood with him, and she’d been trying to rebuild her relationship with Roman. It felt impossible. Overwhelming and impossible. “I love you, daddy.”

John’s chest tightened, “I will always love you, Carrie, and I promise you… Doc is going to make it through this. She will.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I walk away like a movie star

Who gets burned in a three-way script

Enter, number two

A movie queen to play the scene

Of bringing all the good things out in me

But for now, love, let’s be real

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John and Carrie walked around the corner with cups of hot chocolate in their hands when they heard Roman’s loud voice carrying down the hallway. “Listen, Mike, I thought Carrie was on her way over. It was a simple mistake. She’s young. She didn’t know what to do.”

“That simple mistake could have killed Marlena!” Mike hissed. “I gave you explicit instructions about her care, and you assured me that you would be with her. You said you’d taken time off of work to take care of her, so what I don’t understand is how you are going to stand here, and place the blame on an eighteen year old college student.”

“That’s not what I’m saying!” Roman hedged. “I really thought Carrie would get the message, and head right over there. I didn’t realize she had class.”

Mike ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I think you’re completely missing the point here, Roman. No matter what you thought, you left Marlena alone. What happened today is your fault. You assumed something, and you were wrong.”

Roman continued to try, and blame his daughter, “Carrie’s usually really good at getting there quickly–”

“ – I had class!” Carrie cried as she got closer. She stumbled in her haste and almost dropped her hot chocolate, but John reached out to steady her.

“I didn’t know that!” Roman shouted, feeling embarrassment. “I thought you’d get the message and come right over! How was I supposed to know–”

“ – I’ve given you my schedule so many times, Dad! It’s on the refrigerator! I highlighted the times! The fact is that you don’t care! You do whatever you want, and you expect the rest of us to cover for you. It’s not fair! All you had to do was check my class schedule!”

Roman was furious. The last thing he needed was for John to have overheard what Mike was saying to him, now he was being blamed by Carrie as John stood watching. “Don’t disrespect me, Carrie.”

She almost laughed. “You disrespect me, and Marlena every day!”

Roman stepped closer to his daughter, fury lighting up his eyes, and then he felt John’s arm in front of his chest. 

“I think we need to calm down,” John said. He stared at Roman. “It’s been a difficult afternoon for Carrie. For both of us, but let me be clear here… what happened with Doc was not Carrie’s fault. It was yours. Doc shouldn’t have been left alone, Roman. Whether that was five minutes or two hours. It doesn’t matter.”

Carrie started crying again, and Mike reached for the cup of hot liquid she held in her hand as it sloshed around. “If John hadn’t come to the house–”

“ – It was an accident! Doc was fine this morning! She was awake, and alert, and I–” Roman didn’t finish. He didn’t finish because he was ashamed of what he’d been about to say. He’d been bored. That’s what it boiled down to. He’d been bored sitting at home. He couldn’t keep watching television, and Marlena had been sleeping on and off for days. He didn’t think slipping away for a little bit would be a problem.

A nurse looked up from where she was stationed at the front desk, and she called, “Dr. Horton? Dr. Kerr is on the phone for you.”

John, Carrie, and Roman became silent, watching Mike walk towards the nurse’s desk. Roman was seething inside, and John’s fist clenched at his side because punching Roman was the only thing he could think about. Carrie leaned against John, wishing her life could be what it once was. 

“Hey,” John whispered, tipping her face up to his. “Marlena is gonna be okay. You’ll see.”

She smiled wanly, and then realized Roman was watching them. She briefly felt like she should step away from John, but she chose to stay in the shelter of his arms. He’d been there for her, when lately she’d been feeling as if the world had abandoned her. She was an adult now, and she could have relationships with the people she chose to have in her life. Roman couldn’t dictate that.

Mike came towards them, “Marlena’s in recovery. She’ll be here until we’re sure that there’s no more internal bleeding. They had to reopen her abdominal incision, and the damaged part of the spleen had to be removed, but the prognosis is good.” Mike glanced at John, and saw him close his eyes and sway on his feet. He reached out, steadying him, and he said softly, “She’s going to be okay, John. Dr. Kerr feels really good about this.”

John leaned against the wall with a sigh, and Roman hated him more than he ever had before. He was her husband, and Mike was comforting John. Roman thought about his life, and all he felt was that trembling rage inside himself again. John shouldn’t even be there. He’d believed that when he’d ended his affair with Taylor, everything would fall into place, but he’d managed to do the wrong thing yet again. He knew he’d fucked up, but he refused to admit it to the likes of John Black.

Glancing at Mike, he asked, “When can I see my wife?”

Mike glanced at John again, and then said, “Yeah. Yeah, sure. Follow me.”

The footsteps faded as the two men walked away, and John closed his eyes in relief. Marlena was going to live. He’d had a sick ache in his gut ever since he’d found Marlena unconscious. It was so familiar it was making him physically ill. He’d felt it when Marlena was in her coma. He’d felt it when Orpheus  bombed the house, and he’d felt it for years after Marlena’s plane went down and she was presumed dead. Knowing she would survive was so overwhelming he felt as if he might vomit.

“Daddy?” Carrie asked softly. “Are you okay?”

He smiled down at her, “You called me Daddy.”

She smiled up at him, “Is that okay?”

John wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her close. Her face rested against him, and he whispered, “Yeah, Punkin’. It’s more than okay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I never thought I could act this way

And I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it

I don’t know where we went wrong

But the feeling’s gone, and I just can’t get it back…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: If You Could Read My Mind – Gordon Lightfoot

Chapter 19 – When You Were Mine

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Words spoken, my heart open

No, I never had butterflies like that

We danced in the moon glow

Your hands moved slow

You kissed me on the lips

Swore I wouldn’t look back

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1979

“It’s getting awfully late,” Marlena said with a smile, tossing a blanket over the back of the couch. She turned to face her husband, waiting for his response. She was tired because of her pregnancy, and overwhelmed with worry about her sister. She’d completely forgotten about Christmas, and found herself wondering what to get for Don and Donna.

Don saw her grin, and asked, “Late? For what?”

“About what you want for Christmas,” she said. 

“Oh,” he told her. He put the book he was flipping through down on the table, and turned to face her. “Well, that’s easy. I want Sam home.”

She was quiet for a moment, and then she replied, “Honey, that’s awfully nice, even if you don’t mean it.”

“Oh, but I do, Darling. I really do.” He set his briefcase on the couch. “Because I know that’s what’s going to make you happy, and what makes you happy, makes me happy.”

She glanced down, feeling slightly ashamed. “I guess, I have been kind of a grump lately, haven’t I?”

Don started putting his coat on, while giving her a smile. “You, my darling, couldn’t be a grump if your life depended on it.” She smiled at him, and started to chuckle. “But I know what’s on your mind. How is Jordan doing with Sam?”

“I don’t know. They’ve only had one session, and neither one are talking about it.”

He saw the sadness in her face, “Did she tell you when she’s coming home?”

Marlena shook her head, and looked away. It hurt too much to think about. She was so close to having the baby, and she’d really wanted her sister with her. As it stood everything was up in the air, and all she wanted was her sister by her side, healthy. She reached for her coat, and started putting it on without saying any of that.

Don came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. “You know what? We’re going to pick up all of those packages, and we’re going to make it Christmas time in her room. We are going to get a tree, and we are going to make a celebration of it.” He kissed her cheek softly, “All for her.”

Marlena could barely hold back her tears. She took a deep breath, and then tipped her face up to his saying, “Have I told you lately that you’re the best husband I ever had?”

“No,” he said with humor. “Not as often as you should.” Turning Marlena around, he cupped her face, and kissed her softly. He would give his wife whatever she wanted. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was just like we were flying in another time

I felt the world was ours for the taking

When I fell into your eyes

Never a doubt that we would make it if we tried

You promised you’d never break my heart

Never leave me in the dark

Said your love would be for all time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1981

Marlena felt the terror rise up inside her as she turned to face Don. “I need to ask you something… I need to know… if you’re having an affair with somebody.”

Don stared at her in surprise, unsure of how to answer. He swallowed thickly, before asking her, “What did you just ask me?”

She stepped closer, feeling more strength as she recalled what she’d overheard earlier. “It’s a very simple question. I’ll ask it again. Are you having an affair with somebody?”

He hedged slightly, “Now where did you get that idea?”

“I – I heard,” she said softly. Everything had started to fall apart when D.J. died the year before. Their marriage had never fully repaired itself, although Marlena had tried. If he was having an affair then it was truly over for them.

“You heard?” he asked slowly. “From whom?”

“That doesn’t matter. What really matters is that you tell me the truth.” He glanced away from her, and then sat on the end of the bed. She wasn’t sure what to believe. He seemed so guilty, and yet his next words seemed to deny it.

“No,” he said slowly. “I’m not having an affair with anybody.”

Marlena took a deep breath of relief, but it was short-lived.

“But I did spend the night with somebody,” he said, barely sparing her a glance. He started tugging at his necktie as if he were resigned to the conversation. 

Her voice choked, and she could barely get her next words out. “Then it’s true? You have been with another woman?”

What could he say? He had cheated on his wife, and she was confronting him. He didn’t know how she found out. He glanced at her quickly, before turning his eyes away, and allowing his head to fall into his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry about the affair? Or sorry that I found out?”

“Both!” he said standing up. He faced her, “Both. That’s why I wanted to tell you.”

“Great!” she said in a voice full of pain. “I get Mr. Honesty.” She turned away from him, unable to look at his face. She’d once found him dashingly handsome, but now all she saw was treachery. 

“That’s why I came home early, honey. I wanted to tell you. Believe me,” he pleaded. 

“That’s very thoughtful.” She wiped at the tears falling from her eyes. She’d never thought there would be a moment in her life where she loved someone and hated them at the same time. Even after every mistake Samantha had made, Marlena had never felt this way about her. She turned to face him with fury in her eyes, “Why weren’t you that thoughtful when she was seen leaving your hotel room?”

Realization dawned on his face. “Somebody saw her?”

There was no holding back her sobs, as she turned away from him again, “Don! How could you do that?”
He came closer, placing his hand on her shoulder, “Honey, I–”

“ –don’t you touch me!” she cried, shaking his touch off of her. 

Don watched the way her eyes closed, and her fists clenched in front of her. He tried to calm her. “Marlena, I… let’s not let this get out of hand. Let’s talk about it. Let’s put it behind us. Please.”

Refusing to look at him, she felt her fingernails digging into her palms, as she asked him, “Why? So it can be a nice, little, neat, package?” She turned to face him, looking up at him with tear filled eyes. “You go out there… and you make love to another woman, and you come home and you tell me about it. What do you want to do? You want to cleanse yourself? You want to put it to bed? Well, you can go to hell.” She walked around him not sure what to do with herself.

“Baby, don’t say anything you’ll regret,” he said softly, following her.

She twirled so fast her hair spun, and stared at him with venom. “Then don’t you do anything you’ll regret!”

Holding his hands out in defeat, he said lamely, “What happened… happened. It meant nothing to me. It meant nothing to us.”

She shook her head in disgust, “I feel like I’m watching a movie here. I can’t believe this is happening to me… happening to us.” She pointed her finger at him, “Don’t you tell me who she is! I don’t want to know. You can just keep that to yourself! You can handle that one all by yourself.”

“Is this some kind of punishment?” he asked her.

She sat down, sobbing, “I don’t want to carry around your share of the guilt! You went to bed with her, and you can just handle it alone!”

Don stood in the middle of their bedroom staring at her helplessly. “Is there anything else you want to know about it?”

“If I have one question, I have a thousand questions,” she cried. “Like what does she look like? What color is her hair? Like, how does it feel to have her body lying against yours–”

“ –Marlena, don’t–”

She stood up, screaming, “ –don’t tell me! I don’t want the information! I don’t want to know!”

He reached out, touching her shoulder, “Honey, I–” She shrugged him off again, clenching her fists. He’d never thought about how much this would hurt her, and that was his fatal mistake. He hadn’t considered Marlena at all. “I love you.”

“I trusted you, Don!”

“It meant nothing. It meant nothing to me. It meant nothing to her.” He was desperate to get her to look at him. “It will never happen again.”

“Why did it happen?” she said, turning to face him. 

“I was hurt, okay? I went out on the road hurt. From us. So, I got a little drunk, and a lot lonely…”

Marlena repeated with sarcasm, “You got a lot lonely? I was lonely too, you know? But I didn’t go out, and jump into bed with somebody else.”

“No, you didn’t. I did.” his voice got softer, “And do you want to know what it’s done for me? It made me realize how very much I love you. Only you. How much our marriage means to me.”

“You’ve got a very funny way of showing your loyalty!”

“I’m human, baby. I made a mistake!” He saw the hurt and betrayal in her eyes. He wasn’t sure she was going to forgive him. “The most important thing is I do love you… and you love me.”

She did love him, but she didn’t think she could ever forgive him, or trust him again. “Yes, dammit, I still love you.” How could she not? Love wasn’t a switch that was easily flipped on and off. 

Don stepped closer, whispering, “Please, baby, don’t ruin everything. Don’t ruin everything we’ve put together please?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But that was back when you were mine

When you were mine

Here, with me, I thought we’d be

Stronger than the past

Better than the ones before

How did I fool myself in thinking

We had it all?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1982

Marlena was drunk. She could feel it in the wavy way her brain perceived everything, and the way she seemed to have forgotten the danger that surrounded her every breath. She stepped towards Roman after an evening out, and he reached for her, taking her hands in his. Dancing. Oh how she loved to dance. He pulled her close, and she wrapped her arms around his neck to steady herself. She couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her, as she said with joy, “This is my favorite song.”

“You know,” Roman told her, “I’ve never heard it before.” He took a deep breath of her, holding it in his lungs. She had no right to smell so good. 

The violin picked up slightly, and Marlena said, “You haven’t? It’s called…” She paused for a moment, laughing. “I can’t think of the name of it.” She continued to laugh, and then lifted her finger saying, “But it’s my favorite in the whole world–”

“ –is it?” he laughed. “I’m sure it is. I’m sure it is.”

She continued to giggle, resting her head against his shoulder until the last strains of the violin drifted away, leaving the room bathed in silence. Stepping  back slightly, she looked up at him, and said, “Well… thank you for a lovely evening.”

He stared down at her and sighed softly. She was absolutely beautiful. The way her silken blonde hair curled around her bare shoulders. The way her hazel eyes stared up at him with so much warmth and trust. She could be stubborn and infuriating, but she was a beautiful woman. He touched her jaw softly, “It was my pleasure. I’m just glad you’re still alive.”

Suddenly her world came crashing back to reality. Everything that had happened in her life over the last year was back at the forefront of her mind in a split second. Bayview. D.J. Her divorce. Kellam. She was quiet for a few moments, as she stared up at Roman Brady. She was alive because of him. What could she say to that? She’d hoped to stay in her drunken haze for just a while longer, but instead she was forced to face her reality. Someone wanted her dead. Quietly she said, “I know me too.” 

“Well, then, uh, goodnight?” he said in a voice that seemed uncertain. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to make love to her. Her next words settled that.

Nodding slowly in affirmation, she said softly, “Goodnight.” There was a long pause, as if he were waiting for something else, so Marlena whispered, “I’ll see you to the door.”

“You do that,” he told her. He took her hand and turned towards the door, pulling her behind him.

She knew he wanted more, but she wasn’t ready for that. She didn’t know what she was ready for. Her divorce from Don still hurt, and she could sense that Don wanted her back. But he had burned that bridge with his affair and marriage to Liz. Don was in the past. She wasn’t sure if Roman was in her future. He was loud, bossy, and brash, but maybe she needed that in her life. She was so tired of fighting her way through everyday. Maybe someone like Roman would be what she needed. Someone to help her through those exhausting days.

He turned towards her as he pulled the door open, “Well… goodnight again.”

She laughed, “Goodnight again.”

Roman walked through the door, and when he turned back, she’d already closed it. To himself he grumbled, “Goodnight.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I felt the world was ours for the taking

When I fell into your eyes

Never a doubt that we would make it if we tried

You promised you’d never break my heart

Never leave me in the dark

Said your love would be for all time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1986

Roman pushed the door to his wife’s room open, and held a bundle of flowers in his hands. He was surprised to see her dressed in a satin and lace nightgown when all he’d seen her in for the last six weeks was a hospital gown. She was beautiful. Her cheeks were pink, and freshly washed, and her hair framed her face in soft waves. Glancing over her in appreciation, he said, “Whoa, Doc!”

She sat up in bed with a shy smile. She shouldn’t feel shy, but he had a way of making her feel butterflies every time he walked in a room. It hadn’t been that way before, but since his return something was different. He was Roman, but he was different. More assertive, more involved, more appreciative. He was the best version of himself, and Marlena often found herself feeling guilty for how much she loved him, because she loved him so much more than she ever had. 

She reached for the flowers. “They’re beautiful.”

Leaning over her, he whispered, “No. You’re beautiful. And you’re incredible. And you look just the way you looked the first day I met you.” For him the first day was when she’d met him in the hospital. He’d been wrapped in bandages, but her bright hazel eyes had shined up at him when she’d smiled, and he’d been instantly in love.

She wasn’t sure how to respond. She felt herself blushing as she said softly, “I had Caroline bring me a few things. I thought you might be a little tired of seeing me in hospital issue.”

“No. No. No” he told her. “I love seeing you in anything, but… this is something else.” 

He glanced over her in that sexy way he had, and Marlena felt her body responding. It was instant. Immediate. She found herself wondering about it again. How different it was with him now. How easy it was between them. Almost intuitive. Softly, she whispered, “I want you to take me home.”

“I want you home, honey.” He leaned over her, lacing his fingers through her hair. Kissing her gently, he nibbled at her lips, enjoying the taste of her and the feel of her soft, willing mouth under his. His palm circled her neck, and she laid further back in her bed. He couldn’t help following her with a gentle moan of want. It didn’t matter where they were, he would always desire her. Marlena’s hands gripped his shoulders, applying steady pressure to pull him down into her. John started to protest, “Uh-uh. No–”

“ –no? No what?” she asked in a daze. 

“I don’t know if your supposed to get to excited–”

“ –I can get excited,” she said quickly. “It’s all right.” She refused to let him go, as he tried to disengage from her. 

“I don’t know if it’s good for you–”

“ – it’s good for me!” she said, gripping him with her hands. “If it feels good, it is good. It’s okay.”

“No. No. No,” he said in a husky voice. “I don’t want anything to happen to you now. Okay? Now, let’s get Neil in here–”

“ – Neil wouldn’t like this at all,” Marlena said quickly. “Come on. Let’s just– let’s just stay here, okay?” Then as if it just occurred to her, she said, “I’m a doctor! We don’t need Neil here! I’m a doctor! I’ll leave you a note. Anything you say… I’ve got some orders for you. Doctor’s orders. Make love to your wife.”

He couldn’t help smiling down at her while his hand cupped her jaw. “Doctors orders?”

“Kiss her mouth,” she said as Roman’s lips descended onto her. “Make her happy.” He pushed her body deeper into the mattress and lifted himself over her with a moan of want. She couldn’t help herself when she whispered, “Oh, you smell so good!”

He placed the softest, lingering kisses against her mouth, and then rolled to the side of her, cradling her body in his arms. His fingers traced across her jaw, and then over her chin as he whispered, “Have I told you how much I love you? And how much I missed you?” He could ever remember loving anyone else, and his devotion to Marlena was something so strong, he didn’t understand it. It was possible that even though he barely remembered their life together before, he was holding some of that emotion deep inside him. Whatever it was, he felt like he’d be lost without her.

Marlena felt an inkling of that guilt from earlier. She loved him more than she’d ever loved anyone, even the previous version of him. She would always keep that to herself, because the last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt him. It was odd that she’d fallen in love with him before she’d even know who he was. She’d loved him when he was John Black, although she’d never told him. 

Staring into his eyes, she nodded her head slowly. “I love you,” she whispered. Her voice choked, and tears filled her eyes, as she said, “Dear G-d, I love this man so much! I want us to go home.”

Marlena’s fingers brushed over his lips, as he told her, “Soon. Real soon.” He threaded his fingers through her hair, tipping her head back, and then his fingers caressed her neck again as he rolled over onto her. Marlena’s soft moans drove him on as he kissed her softly. Nipping and biting at her lips, while licking over her soft mouth. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But that was back when you were mine

When you were

What is this was it, baby?

What if this was our time?

Maybe we’re long past saving

But I’m gonna give you one try

You better think twice

Before you leave her behind

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1991

“It’s good to be home,” Roman said as they stepped out of the jet bridge and into the terminal. He was happy to be home. Happy to see his family. Happy to have his life back. Marlena had barely said ten words since they’d left Mexico.

She wrapped her arms around herself, forgetting how cold it was back in Salem. Distractedly she replied, “Yeah.”

“Well, you could be a little more enthusiastic about it,” he said following her.

“You know what? I’m tired. It was an awfully long flight,” she said, turning to face him. It was still so hard to look at him and think, Roman. He wasn’t the face of Roman that she’d had in her mind and her heart for the last five years. He was hoping for an immediate connection, and she wasn’t able to give him that. 

“Well, it gave you a lot of time to think. Second guess all of the steps we made in Mexico?” he asked her. 

“I’m worried. Telling the children… it could be complicated,” she said softly. She wasn’t just worried for the children. She was worried for John. This was going to destroy him. Finding out he wasn’t Roman was hard enough, but losing his family, his job… his home. That was going to be so painful.

“Look, Doc, I know we talked about this,” Roman said. “But kids that age, they’re pretty resilient–”

“ – they’re not as resilient as you think they are,” she said, but she could see in Roman’s eyes that he seemed to think this was going to be an easy change for the twins.

“What are you suggesting?” he asked her incredulously. “That we just allow them to go on thinking that John is their father?”

Marlena was taken aback by the tone of Roman’s voice. “No,” she said softly. “No, of course I’m not.” Over Roman’s shoulder she caught sight of John disembarking with Isabella by his side, and the pain of loss lanced her heart again. She closed her eyes briefly. She had to get through this. She could handle her personal pain later, when she was alone. She was so lost in her performance, that later she wouldn’t even recall what was said at the airport. She would only remember watching John walk away with Isabella as if it was always meant to be. But if it was meant to be, why did it hurt so much?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And what if the world was ours for the taking?

When I fell into your eyes

Never a doubt that we would make it if we tried

You promised you’d never break my heart

Never leave me in the dark

Said your love would be for all time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena was lost in thought when John poked his head into her hospital room. There had been moments over the last year that she’d gotten lost in her past, wondering how she had gotten to this point in her life. She knew now why her love for John as Roman had been so all encompassing. He wasn’t Roman, and the love she’d felt for him was his, and his alone. She’d never told John that. She’d never been able to tell him that their love was theirs. Unique. Singular. Her love for him had never had anything to do with Roman.

She smiled at him as he came in. She couldn’t help it. It was the casual way he had when he said, “Hey, Doc,” combined with the way his face lit up when he set eyes on her. There weren’t many moments in her recent life when she felt seen. John always made her feel like the most important person in the room. It was the way he said her name, or the way he always made sure to make his way towards her. 

“John,” she said softly. She couldn’t help the way she stared at him. He was beautiful. “I was wondering if you might come by.”

“I had to check on my favorite girl,” he told her, coming closer. In truth, he’d spent the whole night worrying and pissed off at Roman. After Roman had gone off to see Marlena following her surgery, John had stayed with Carrie for a while. She still blamed herself for what had happened, when John and Mike both knew that Roman was at fault. “You gave Carrie and I quite the scare yesterday, Doc.”

Her hand went to her abdomen. She felt like she’d finally begun to heal, and now she was starting over. Her incision had been reopened for her surgery, and part of her spleen was removed completely. The healing was back to day one. “Mike says I’m going to be here for at least another five days.” She gave John a weak smile, “I hate the hospital.”

“You don’t hate the hospital, Doc. You hate being the patient,” he said with a chuckle. He recalled her dislike of the hospital following her coma. This was of a similar vein.

“That’s true.” She looked down as John slid the stool over, and took her hand in his. 

“I saw the Twinners today at the pub. I had lunch with them,” he said softly.

“I’m so glad that they are able to see you more often now,” Marlena said quietly. She recalled the way everything had gone after their return from Mexico. “I never… I never wanted to take them away from you. That was never my intention.”

John sighed. “Roman is still uncomfortable with me seeing them.” He traced his finger over the top of her hand. He wanted to close his eyes to focus on the warmth and the softness. His eyes met hers, and there was a brief moment of recognition. Another time. Another place. Another love. Trying to focus on the topic at hand, John said, “He arrived just as I was leaving. He wasn’t happy to see me there, but he didn’t make a scene.”

“I spoke to him a few weeks ago… about allowing the twins to spend time with you, and he admitted that their behavior at school has improved recently.” Marlena was quiet for a moment, and then she said, “I think that has a lot to do with being able to see you.”

Leaning closer, he balanced himself on his elbows as he held her hand, and stared at her. “I care about them,” he said. “That will never change… I care about you, and seeing you in here brings up all those fears I had when you were in your coma.”

Marlena was quiet for several beats. He was blaming Roman. She wasn’t surprised. “You’re angry with Roman?”

John just nodded his head, but said nothing else. He was furious with Roman. He’d been careless. When John walked away from everything, he had entrusted Roman to cherish it the way he had. He’d failed miserably. 

“It was an accident, you know,” she said softly. “No one could have predicted–”

“ – maybe not, Doc, but he sure as hell should have been with you,” he said firmly. “Mike told him that. He wasn’t supposed to leave you–”

“ – he called Carrie,” Marlena said weakly, knowing it really wasn’t a defense.

“Carrie was in class, and didn’t get his message for nearly two hours.” John rubbed his hands over his face. He couldn’t upset Marlena. That wasn’t what he was there for. He sighed. “I was worried. When I got there you were so pale.”

Marlena reached for his hand again, “You were scared?”

John rested his forehead on their entwined hands, saying softly, “I kept thinking that I’d lost Isabella. I couldn’t lose you too… I kept thinking about Orpheus, and the plane… your coma.”

She hadn’t known that those things still tortured him the way they tortured her. She stared at the top of his dark hair, reflecting the light in blue and purple hues. She knew what it felt like under her fingers. John’s words did something to her that she tried to push away. Her stomach fluttered, and her heart beat faster. But when he lifted his head and stared at her with those worried blue eyes, she almost sighed. She watched him as he slowly bent his head again to kiss the top of her hand. It was innocuous, but it held so much feeling she was scared to acknowledge.

“I still think about Orpheus too,” she whispered. “Sometimes I dream about the island… the way he made me pretend to be his children’s mother while I–I mourned my connection to my own children… and you. I wake up disoriented about time and place… scared. I feel so lonely… lost, frightened. I’ve tried to talk to Roman about it, but he doesn’t want to discuss the past.”

“You can call me,” John said softly.

His blue eyes reached into her soul, and Marlena knew he meant it. “Okay.”

“I mean it, Doc. Even if it’s the middle of the night, I don’t want you to be alone with those emotions.” He kissed her knuckles, and whispered, “You’re never alone.”

Marlena allowed her head to fall back against the pillow with a sigh, “I’ve had too much time in here to think.”

John cocked his eyebrow, “To think?”

Marlena smiled, “John, you know I don’t do well with too much free time. I’m always busy. Too much time to think about the past is always a path I want to avoid. I find myself questioning every choice I’ve ever made.”

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked her.

She reached out, allowing her fingers to touch his dark hair just to see if it was still as soft as she remembered. She smiled again. It was. “Maybe someday, Sailor. Not today.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But that was back when you were mine

When we were in love

Do you remember the time

When you were mine?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: When You Were Mine – Lady A

Chapter 20 – Brilliant Disguise

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I hold you in my arms

As the band plays

What are those words whispered, baby?

Just as you turn away

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hazel eyes stared up into John’s dark blue ones as he whispered, “Are you, okay, Doc?”

Marlena smiled at him shyly as he danced with her in the moonlight on his back porch. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Lifting his hand, he gently brushed the hair back from her cheek watching the firelight dance across her skin. “You’ve been quiet lately… sad almost. Is everything okay with Roman?”

She glanced away from him, pausing in her movements as if she were confused. Glancing around she asked him, “How did I get here? Where is Roman?”

“Doc?” he whispered softly, but then just as suddenly as they’d appeared on his back porch, they were somewhere else. John was just as confused as she was as they stood on top of the pyramid in Mexico. The breeze blew warm and humid against his flesh, and he saw the distance in her eyes as she stepped away from him, dragging her palm slowly down his chest. She watched him warily, as if she knew something he didn’t.

“I’m so torn,” she whispered. “I don’t know what to do… or who to choose.”

“Choose?” He stared down at her. “You chose Roman.” He reached for her, trying to pull her back against him, but Marlena put her hand up to stop him.

“I chose Roman?” she repeated as if she didn’t understand. “Did I? Are you sure? Or did you choose Isabella?”

He glanced around, realizing that they were now standing in the professor’s house. Marlena stared at him with the saddest eyes he’d ever seen. She was hurt, but why? But then he felt the warmth and gentle pressure on his hand. Looking down he saw his fingers entwined with Isabella’s, and he knew what Marlena thought. Yes, he’d made love to Isabella. He wasn’t sure why. Loneliness? Desperation? A need to feel loved? But had he chosen Isabella? He needed to explain. “No! No, Doc!”

In the next instant, Roman stood in the doorway, outlined by the early morning sun, while holding his hand out to Marlena. John’s heart stopped, and then resumed at a rapid pace. He watched as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Softly she said, “You made your choice… and it wasn’t me. It could have been me. It could have been me… it could have been… me.”

The last thing he saw was Marlena reaching for Roman’s hand as the light swallowed them. John cried out, “Doc! Wait!” And then he was standing in pitch blackness, his voice echoing around him. A complex void of time in space. He fell to his knees in grief. “Doc!”

In the distance he heard Isabella’s soft voice, “John… I’m waiting…”

Into the darkness he cried out for Marlena, “Doc! Wait! You don’t understand!”

He jolted awake, blinking his eyes several times as the blinding afternoon sun caught him through the curtains. He must have fallen asleep with Brady. His son was still cradled in his arms. His weight resting comfortably against John’s chest. His head fell back onto the couch cushion, and he rubbed his free hand over his face trying to clear his sleep addled mind. “Why am I dreaming about that?”

“Did you say something?” Hailey asked him coming around the corner with a laundry basket full of Brady’s things.

“No,” he replied. “It was just a dream.” But it felt like more, and he wasn’t sure why. He’d never asked Marlena about their decisions in Mexico. He’d made love to Isabella on the beach, and when they’d returned to the Professor’s house, it was as if the decision was made. He and Marlena had never formally discussed what they planned to do, or what their choices were. It was simply assumed, and they went along with it. He would go with Isabella, afterall she was pregnant. Marlena would go with Roman. He was her rightful husband, and after years of torture Marlena was consumed with guilt. 

John shifted on the couch, careful to hold Brady close to him as he sat up. His son snuffled a few times but didn’t wake up. John looked at the clock. “Shit,” he said softly. “I promised Carrie I’d go to Austin’s boxing match.” He kissed Brady gently, and passed him into Hailey’s arms. “I gotta shower and head out.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I saw you last night

Out on the edge of town

I wanna read your mind

To know just what I’ve got in this new thing I’ve found

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“That was an exciting fight,” John told Carrie. “It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been to a boxing match.”

“I was nervous and scared the whole time,” she replied with a brittle chuckle. “I wasn’t sure whether to watch, or shield my eyes.” She became quiet seeing the sadness in John’s eyes. As much as he tried to hide it, she knew why. “You’re worried about Marlena, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t been able to see her since Roman brought her home,” he said in low tones, glancing around for a moment. The last thing he needed was someone to overhear their conversation, and it get back to Roman. After Roman’s mistake the last time Marlena came home, John didn’t have much faith in him this time. “How is she?”

“She sounded well when I spoke to her this morning. She’s able to move around a little bit.” Carrie reached for John’s hand. In her heart he would always be her father. He was more of a father to her than Roman knew how to be. “Tomorrow… you can see her tomorrow. My dad asked me to stay with Marlena so he can go into work, and finish up the paperwork on one of his cases. My class was cancelled so I’m free. You could come by the house. He won’t be there.”

He stared down at her for a moment, and without hesitation he asked, “What time?” There was no question as to whether he would go see Marlena. He would be there as soon as Roman left the house, and he would stay until the last possible moment, and then sneak out the back.

She glanced over her shoulder when Austin called her name, and then looked back at John. “Be there at 10:15. Dad’s leaving at ten, but wait a few minutes… just in case. Park down the street, and I’ll let you in the backdoor.”

Kissing Carrie’s cheek, John whispered, “Thank you, Punkin’. You don’t know how much that means to me.” 

But she did. She’d never say anything to anyone about it, but John still cared deeply for her stepmother, and Marlena cared for him.

He watched as Carrie walked away, remembering their years together. Her development into a young woman, her rebellion after Diana left them, and eventually her leaving to go live with Anna. Carrie was forever his daughter, if not biologically. 

He felt a light tap on his shoulder, and then turned around to a familiar face. He couldn’t recall exactly how he knew her, but she seemed to know him. With a friendly smile she said, “Hello, John.” He looked at her for a moment, still trying to remember how he knew her, and she laughed softly. “You don’t remember me? Rebecca Morrison.”

He leaned against the corner of the boxing ring with a look of confusion, repeating, “Morrison?” But then it came to him, “You used to work at the DA’s office. Didn’t you?”

“When you worked at the police department,” she said casually.

“And we used to be at each other’s throats half the time,” he added.

She laughed. He was so handsome she could barely get her thoughts together. “I’m still there by the way.”

John felt a deep sadness as he said, “Well, I’m obviously not.” Even though it had been more than a year, being a police officer had been one of the great joys in his life. Being reminded of it always brought with it a fresh round of pain. 

Not sure how to respond, Rebecca said, “I heard about your wife’s death. I’m so sorry.”

He stared at her for a moment. Did she think this conversation was going well? He wanted to go home. He’d only come to support Austin, and to be present for Carrie. “Thank you.” Standing up straighter, he said, “It was nice seeing you.” 

He had every intention of leaving until Rebecca stopped him. “John, uh… do you have plans for tonight?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m going home.”

In a very matter of fact way, she said, “Oh. I was hoping we could have dinner.”

“Dinner?” He was surprised that she was so forward, not that he found it unattractive, he simply wasn’t ready to consider dating at all. Isabella’s death was still too fresh. “Oh, that’s, uh, that’s a nice invitation but no–”

“ – I’m not inviting you,” she said quickly. “You owe me.”

“I what?”

She laughed softly, enjoying the muddled confusion on his face. “The Forsythe case. You bet me dinner that the jury would acquit. It took only four hours for them to come back with their verdict. Guilty. That’s been over two years… don’t you think it’s time you paid up? Or are you the type to welch on a bet?”

“Oh, well not me, but do you think maybe we can take a raincheck on that?” He wasn’t up for anything else, except a dram of whiskey, and a date with his bed. 

“Too many arena hotdogs?” she asked him with a smirk.

“No,” he replied quickly. “I only had one, but I’m going to have to pass on dinner… at least tonight.”

She couldn’t push him anymore. She could sense his slight irritation, and if she had any hope of this going further she was going to have to back off. “I see. So, this raincheck–”

“ – I’ll see you again. Don’t worry.” John glanced at his watch, and then said, “But for now, it’s late, and I need to get home to my son. It was nice seeing you again Rebecca.”

And just like that she’d been dismissed. Rebecca watched him walk away with frustration, but she wasn’t giving up. She wanted him. She’d always wanted him. Even when it was believed that he was Roman Brady, and even when his wife was Marlena. After it was thought that Marlena had died, she’d hoped to get closer to him, but that didn’t happen. Their work often found them at odds, and then there was Diana Colville, followed by Yvette DuPrés, followed by some flirtation with Dr. Whitney Baker, only for him to end up with Isabella Toscano. Her frustration only grew when Marlena Brady returned from the dead. Rebecca had thought her chances with him were gone completely, until the real Roman Brady returned. Now with John’s wife dead, he was free. All she needed was that date.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So tell me what I see

When I look in your eyes

Is that you, Baby

Or just a brilliant disguise?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The telephone rang shrilly, and Roman rushed towards it as he glanced over at his sleeping wife. He’d brought Marlena home two days earlier, and he was already bored to death. He adjusted the towel at his waist, and pushed his wet curls back from his forehead. Snatching up the phone, he said in an annoyed voice, “Brady residence.”

“Roman,” Taylor said softly. “You haven’t been at work for a couple of days.”

He sighed, “I’ve been taking care of Marlena. After last time… well, I have to be here, although truthfully I wish I’d brought some files home with me to fill the time.”

“I can bring some over for you.” Taylor missed him so bad she ached. There was a hollow void in her heart, and she was angry with him for putting it there. He pushed her away, and in the past she had easily said fuck it, and moved on, but there was something about Roman that wouldn’t allow her to let go. It was his dedication to the people of Salem. His drive at work. It was the way his eyes would soften when he stared at her as if he were confused by his own emotions. He cared for her. She knew he did, and yet he’d never admitted it aloud. Quietly, she said, “I wouldn’t mind doing that.”

Roman hesitated, glancing over at Marlena. She slept like an angel. She was beautiful with her golden hair falling across her forehead in a soft silken wave. A momentary flash of resentment came over him, before he remembered the tenderness he used to feel for her. He wanted that back. He wanted the joy they’d had, the sense of connection. The whole time he was imprisoned by Stefano he had been so sure that Marlena had felt it too. He’d believed with his whole heart that she was in Salem still mourning his loss, and refusing to move on. 

Taylor wasn’t certain Roman was still on the phone, so she asked, “Roman? Are you still there?”

“I’m not sure it’s such a good idea for you to come by here,” he replied.

“I’d just be leaving the files, and going back to the station,” she lied. Without waiting, she said, “I’m assuming you want the Lacey James file to look over angles for your sister’s defense… and then maybe the Corinthos file, and the Flanders file?”

He couldn’t help smiling. Softly he said, “Yeah, that would be great, Taylor. I’d appreciate that.”

Marlena watched her husband with curious eyes as he hung up the telephone, and turned back towards the bathroom. He didn’t even notice that she was awake as he walked by the end of the bed, and entered the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind him. She kept hearing his voice echo in her mind. It was the tone of his voice when he said, I’m not sure it’s such a good idea for you to come by here. 

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she turned her head toward the bathroom. When Roman exited, his eyes caught hers, and she could swear she saw something close to guilt residing there.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I heard somebody call your name

From underneath our willow

I saw something tucked in shame

Underneath your pillow

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Taylor shivered with the cold as she watched Roman pull his back door closed quietly. She glanced around his backyard. As a child she’d always wanted a backyard like that – a picnic table, a sandbox, a white painted fence. All it was missing was a swing set. She looked towards the other side, and mumbled, “Well, fuck,” as her eyes landed on a pristine wooden swing set complete with bright yellow plastic slide. It was idyllic, and certainly something she could never envision for herself, but she wanted that life – a husband who loved her, and children. Roman had it. Or did he? On the outside it certainly seemed that he did, but when she turned her face to his, those eyes of his told another story.

“Why are we out here, Brady?” she asked. “It’s freezing.”

“I don’t know.” He stared at Taylor for a moment, fighting the urge to touch her. He wasn’t sure why he’d brought her into the backyard. He could have taken the files, and sent her back to the station. He should have done that. Instead he’d put the files on the table behind the couch, taken her hand, and pulled her through the kitchen into his backyard. He rubbed his hand through his hair in frustration. Frustration at himself, at Taylor, at Marlena… he wasn’t sure if it was one of them or all of them. He stepped closer to her, still not touching her, and he whispered, “I don’t know.”

Taylor stepped closer to him, and softly cupped his jaw, “I love you.”

Roman didn’t answer her. He couldn’t answer her. A large knot sat in his throat as he stared down at her. 

Her fingers brushed across his lips, and she whispered, “I’m in love with you.”

In an instant his fingers laced into her hair, tugging her mouth to his as he mumbled, “Fuck…”

A soft moan escaped her as her body slammed into his. He hadn’t kissed her in weeks, and her mind went blank. She couldn’t remember why she’d come over. She forgot that his wife was upstairs in bed. She no longer cared about the perfect manicured lawn she stood on. All she felt, and all that surrounded her was the cosmic pull of Roman Brady. In the entirety of her life, she had never felt for anyone what she felt for him. There was a part of her that felt guilty for what she was doing, to his wife and his children, but there was another part of her – the lonely little girl who had never felt true love in her life – that craved him with desire so fierce it overrode all moral code.

Roman slid his hand underneath her police issued coat, and up along the back of her dark blue uniform shirt. She was warm, pliable, and she tasted of coffee and peppermint. Against her lips, he whispered, “You’ve been drinking coffee again.”

Taylor shivered against him. “I’m on shift until 2 am. A girl’s gotta stay awake.” His tongue dipped into her mouth, and she didn’t say anything else. She simply opened to him, and allowed him to take whatever he wanted from her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Well, I’ve tried so hard, baby

But I just can’t see

What a woman like you

Is doing with me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena moaned in her sleep, turning onto her side and curling into herself as if her body was searching for something. Roman’s side of the bed was cold, but she didn’t wake up. Instead she buried herself deeper into a dream that held warmth, and her deepest desires.

“Don’t we need to pick up the children?” Marlena asked quietly.

John stared down at her, “They’re at the pub with Shawn and Caroline.” 

He rubbed his face in her hair gently, and she could feel him breathe her in. Suddenly, she thought about Roman, and started to scramble off of the couch.

“Whoa! Whoa!” John said, holding her body against his tightly. “Slow down. We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“We are… John this is inappropriate. You shouldn’t be holding me like this… we shouldn’t be lying here together as if–”

“ –as if we’re lovers?”

She was quiet for a moment before she whispered, “Yes.” His legs tangled with hers along the length of the couch, and he tugged her body up higher so that he could stare into her hazel eyes.

“I’m just holding you, Doc. That’s all,” he replied. “I’m just holding you close. You’ve been so sad lately. You think I don’t see it, but I do, everytime I look into those beautiful eyes. So, don’t fight it. Just lay with me, and let me hold you for a while.”

Her palm slid up his chest, and she took a deep breath. His shirt was soft underneath her hand, and she allowed it to curve over his shoulder, and cup his neck. Marlena’s head lowered, laying on his chest. Softly, she said, “Just for a little while.” She could feel the warmth of him against her, and the slow glide of his hand along her back. It felt like his hand went lower with every swipe – her waist, her lower back, her hips. With a soft sigh, she lifted her leg over his, and cuddled deeper into him.

“That’s right, baby. Relax. Take a deep breath. Get the rest you need,” he whispered.

“You smell so good,” she sighed, rubbing her cheek against him.

John’s chest rumbled underneath her as he chuckled, “Rest. Close those beautiful eyes for me, and rest.”

Half asleep, she whispered, “John… I love you. I never stopped loving you.”

“I know, baby. I know.” That last thing she felt was his lips on her hair.

Marlena rubbed her face into her pillow with a soft sigh, and then drifted deeper into sleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So tell me who I see

When I look in your eyes

Is that You, Baby

Or just a brilliant disguise?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was nearly ten o’clock at night when John entered his front door. He quickly shrugged his coat off, and headed straight for the bourbon he kept in the cabinet over the sink. Pouring himself a quick glass he knocked it back quickly, only to immediately pour himself another one. He wouldn’t be able to sleep without it. Swallowing down the second glass, he muttered darkly as he reached for the telephone as it rang shrilly for the third time. 

“Hello?” The lights were off in the house, except for the one over the kitchen stove. He assumed that Hailey had gone to bed for the night. Walking back towards the island, he poured another borbon as Carrie started speaking on the end of the line.

“John?” Carrie said. “I wanted to say thank you for coming to Austin’s boxing match tonight. He really appreciated the support.”

“It was fun,” he replied, swallowing his third shot. “And it was great to see you, Punkin’. I don’t see you nearly enough with your school schedule. Maybe we can have dinner one night? You, me, and Austin?”

She couldn’t help smiling. She still wanted John in her life, even though her father tried to continuously push him out. “I’d like that… I was calling because I just found out that dad’s leaving at nine o’clock in the morning. He’s going to Aunt Kim’s pre-trial hearing, and then heading in to work. So, he’ll probably be gone most of the day.”

John mentally went over his schedule for the following day. He’d already cancelled his board meeting, and he’d only been planning to start sanding the wood for the radiator covers he planned to make. He could skip that, and do it in the evening. For Marlena his day was wide open. “So, nine o’clock?”

She couldn’t help smiling, “Does that work for you?” 

“Yes…” he hesitated for a moment. He knew he shouldn’t be encouraging Carrie to be dishonest, but the fact that she’d even considered how worried he was, was heartening. When Marlena was in the hospital he could slip in and out without having to deal with Roman. Now that she was home it became more difficult, especially since Marlena wasn’t up and about yet. “I’ll be there. Still come through the back?”

“Yup! Park in the back, and come in the back door,” she said softly. “I’ll let you in, and if my dad comes home, you can slip out the back without being seen.”

“Do you know how much I appreciate this?” he asked her.

“I think I do,” she said. It was the second time that night that he’d said as much. “I’m sorry that dad’s making this so difficult.”

John tried to make sure Carrie understood, “He hasn’t told me I can’t come by–”

“ –I know, but he hasn’t made you feel comfortable or welcome either,” Carrie interjected. Roman had gone out of his way to make John feel unwanted ever since he’d returned to Salem. He couldn’t hide that from her. “So, tomorrow morning then?”

John smiled, saying, “Tomorrow morning, Punkin’. I love you.”

“I love you too, dad.”

John hung up the telephone with the smile still on his face. For the first time in weeks he wasn’t completely overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness. Pouring himself one last shot of bourbon, he headed over to the couch and sank into it with a sigh. A light came on in the hallway, and a shadow passed in his periphery. He looked up to find Hailey standing in the doorway watching him. She was wearing the same Guns-n Roses t-shirt he had seen her sleep in before. The light from the hall illuminated her from behind, and he allowed his eyes to trail over her legs. She had great legs. He roamed lower, and found himself staring at her small feet. Shit. He rubbed his hand over his face, and then said quietly, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I was already awake,” she said, stepping towards him. “I put Brady down a couple of hours ago.”

He tipped his glass back, allowing the bourbon to burn on its way down. He was in so much trouble.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now look at me, baby

Struggling to do everything right

And then it all falls apart

Oh, when out go the lights

I’m just a lonely pilgrim

I walk this world in wealth

I wanna know if it’s you I don’t trust

‘Cause I damn sure don’t trust myself

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Roman could still feel the sting of Taylor’s kiss on his lips as he ascended the stairs to check on Marlena. The guilt was overwhelming. How many times had he promised himself that it was the last time? Would this time be any different? Then there were the tears in Taylor’s eyes as he hurt her yet again. Why did he keep pushing her away, only to pull her back in? Why had he pulled her into the backyard? Why had he fucking kissed her? 

He felt like shit when he entered his bedroom, and stared at Marlena asleep in the bed. He wanted to recapture what they had once been, but every time he tried he felt the strands of their past slipping through his fingers. As much as he wanted to grab hold of it and pull it back, he kept losing it. Everything he’d dreamed of for seven years was within his reach, and yet he couldn’t seem to stay away from Taylor. He couldn’t seem to put his wife and his family first. He had to stop pushing Marlena away, and he needed to cut back on work.

Marlena made a soft sound in her sleep, and he smiled. She’d never been a silent sleeper. She turned her face to the side, rubbing it against the pillow. Barely audible, he heard her whisper, “Oh, you smell so good…”

She was dreaming. Roman smiled as he stepped closer, and then stopped, frozen in his path when his wife said, “John…”

Fucking John? After all this time? Roman wasn’t sure how to feel. His first impulse was anger, but he stopped himself. It wasn’t anger, it was hurt. He was hurt, but did he have a right to be hurt? Normally he would allow his emotions to rule him, but hadn’t he just been in the backyard kissing another woman? He was having an affair. Marlena was dreaming. It didn’t matter. He grabbed a few items of clothing, and stalked out of the room. He wouldn’t be sleeping beside her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now you play the loving woman

I play the faithful man

But just don’t look too close

Into the palm of my hand

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John knew he should stop drinking when Hailey appeared before him after his fourth shot of bourbon. He was weak when he was drunk, and she was standing across the room from him smelling sweet, and oh so willing. It was a bad combination. Glancing over her, he mumbled, “Don’t you sleep in anything besides a Guns-n’-Roses t-shirt?”

“It’s comfortable,” she replied softly. The light was dim, but even in faint light John couldn’t help noticing the way she looked. She stepped closer whispering, “I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be,” he told her. He shifted his weight on the couch, looking up at her quickly, before turning his attention back to dregs of the amber liquid in his glass. “I’m a big boy, Hailey. My wife died. Marlena’s been sick.”

Stepping closer still, she said, “But… you seem darker lately. I’m not sure why.”

He was quiet for a moment. He felt darker, as if he were slowly losing control but he couldn’t exactly say why. He’d been having more dreams of Marlena, and that was dangerous, especially with the way he had been feeling. Hailey stood before him, and he knew that she would let him do whatever he wanted to her… that was dangerous too. Leaning forward, he sat his glass on the coffee table with a heavy thud, before telling her, “You should go to bed.”

“Maybe I don’t want to.” On bare feet, she took the last few remaining steps before she was standing at his side. 

John leaned back against the couch again, staring up at her. The alcohol was making his mind feel hazy and warm. “Look, Hailey, we both know what could happen here… and we both know that it would be a bad idea. You work for me, and I–I don’t have feelings for you. Not the way you want me to–”

“ – I don’t care,” she whispered. “I don’t care. I’ve never… I’ve never… I want you to touch me.”

He watched her with wary eyes as she sat next to him, sinking into the cushion next to him on her knees. He wanted to touch her for all the wrong reasons. He wanted connection. He wanted warmth. He wanted sex. “Hailey…”

“Please?” she asked him. Her fingers danced lightly over his shoulder, and she watched as John closed his eyes. He wanted her, and he was fighting it. It wasn’t about love, even though she did love him. For the first time in her life she wanted the connection that came from making love. She was reaching for it, when she’d spent her whole life running from it. “Just touch me.”

He shouldn’t, but he did. John’s palm reached out, cupping the warm flesh of her thigh where her legs curled on the couch next to him. A soft moan escaped him. “Hailey… this – it can’t go anywhere. You have to know that.”

“I know that,” she said softly. 

Her long auburn curls fell over her shoulder as she leaned closer, and the gentle scent of her perfume surrounded him. Pushing his hand higher, he groaned again. “G-d… I should not be doing this, but I’m just drunk enough not to care.”

Hailey allowed him to pull her over him. She straddled his lap, looking down into his blue eyes. John reached for a piece of her hair, and then laced his fingers more tightly into it. Tugging her mouth to his, he mumbled, “Come here.”

Her mouth opened to him, and as his tongue brushed against hers. She tasted bourbon, and knew she would remember it for the rest of her life. John released her hair, and then dropped his hands to grip her hips, sliding underneath the hem of her t-shirt. She couldn’t help rolling her hips, and pushing her pelvis closer to him. It felt amazing. The heat of his hands against her bare skin, the strength of him holding her against his burgeoning cock. His jeans scraped along the inside of her thighs, and she leaned against him resting her body against his chest. 

It felt good. He had enough alcohol in his bloodstream to allow him to let go. He’d probably regret it later, but as he bit at her mouth he told her roughly, “I don’t have a condom.”

“I’m on birth control,” she gasped. “I won’t get pregnant.”

He tugged her t-shirt up and over her head. “Fuck,” he whispered, staring at her breasts in the dim light. Leaning forward he licked over her nipple, “Fuck.”

Hailey’s fingers trembled against his neck. “I want to touch you.”

John wrenched his own shirt off, and allowed his head to fall back against the couch as she loomed over him tracing her fingers across his bare chest. She had no idea what to do, and she was afraid that her naivete would be obvious. She was grateful that John seemed just drunk enough not to notice her lack of experience.

He pushed her back slightly, and then started to unbutton his jeans, while staring up at her with half-lidded eyes. “Take the panties off.”

Her core clenched, and she felt a ripple of apprehension. Was this going to hurt? Did she care? Losing her virginity with John Black was what she wanted. Standing up slowly, she slid the soft cotton over her hips, and watched as he unbuttoned his jeans, pushing them lower on his hips. His cock slapped against his abdomen, and her eyes went wide, but when he held his hand out to her, she almost cried. She wanted him. It would break her heart to leave him, but she was leaving. Her grandfather was sick, and she had no choice, but she would allow herself that night… that moment. 

Hailey’s hand was small in his. As she settled her nude body back over his lap, he grunted when the tip of his cock brushed her wet entrance. Her heated skin under his palm had him ready to slam into her, but something held him back. “You’re sure? I can’t wait. Fuck, Hailey… I don’t think I can wait.”

“Then don’t,” she whispered. She leaned closer, kissing the side of his neck softly, while shivering from the feeling of her breasts dragging across his skin. She rubbed herself against his length, allowing him to feel how wet she was for him.

John almost roared. He hadn’t had sex in months. Lining his cock up with her entrance, he pushed in slightly. Staring up at her, he whispered, “You feel so good.” He pulled out, and then pushed back in roughly burying himself deep inside her pussy.

She gasped, feeling the sting of his intrusion. Whatever vestiges of her virginity that remained at twenty seven were gone now. Hailey felt the moment he froze, understanding dawning in his eyes as he stared up at her. He knew.

In a choked voice he asked her, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She leaned forward, rolling her hips against him, and burying his length even deeper. “You would have stopped, and I don’t want you to stop. Please, John… don’t stop.”

He couldn’t. Pulling her back in to kiss her, he lifted her body and then pulled out before pushing back inside her. “Awww, fuck. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, we stood at the alter

The gypsy swore our future was bright

But come the wee, wee hours

Well, maybe, baby, the gypsy lied

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stared up at the night sky. It was clear, with no moon, but the stars were as bright as he’d ever seen them. Sitting down on the couch he’d placed out on his porch, he said to Isabella’s star, “I fucked up, Izzy-B. I fucked up…” That was easy to say now that he was mostly sober.

Hailey watched from the shadows near the doorway. He’d started the fireplace outside, and she could imagine that he’d be up half the night. As guilty as he felt, she wouldn’t take back what they’d done. She was returning to her small hometown to spend the rest of her life feeling trapped. She was going to take one precious moment that was hers and hers alone. Turning away from him, she walked slowly back towards her bedroom. She would be gone soon enough, but the memory of this night would stay with her forever. She couldn’t regret that.

“I don’t know what’s going on with me,” he said softly. “I’m dreaming of Doc… I’m mourning you. Brady is missing you. I can see it in his eyes, and he has no way to communicate that to me. Not really.” He leaned back, allowing his head to fall to the side. Isabella’s star was bright in the night sky. “You were supposed to be with me for life. I’m still trying to understand how you could be gone in less than a year, and the draw I have towards Doc… with you, I could control it. Shit… I feel so fucking guilty saying that out loud, but I think you knew. You knew that part of my heart would always belong to her, and you accepted it. But when I said goodbye to her in Mexico, it was with the promise that you would be with me forever. I gave her up for you… you and our family. The family we were going to make, and now… shit.”

John glanced towards the door to the house, making sure that Hailey wasn’t standing in the shadows. “I had sex with Hailey tonight… I was her first. I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known. I can’t love her the way she needs to be loved, but I was drunk and so fucking stupid… lonely. I wanted a connection, and I trust her, but I don’t think she can be Brady’s nanny anymore. I fucked that up. If I’d been sober maybe… maybe, I wouldn’t have gone so far. I’ve been drinking too much lately, trying to drown out everything else, but I think Doc’s right, Isabella. I’ve got to face this, because running away from it doesn’t make me miss you any less.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, “I feel like I cheated on you, and you know… I alternate between missing you, and being furious at you for refusing treatment… for not trying harder. You just gave up, Izzy-B. You didn’t even try to fight it. Chemo might not have saved you, but it could have slowed the cancer down. It might have given me more time with you, and it might have given you more time with our son. Now he has no mother, and I have no wife! And you know what? I find myself feeling guilty for being angry at you. Isn’t that so fucking ridiculous?”

He could picture Marlena’s kind eyes, as he mumbled, “Doc would tell me this is a normal part of the process. The anger. She would tell me I have to feel it. I have to go through it. My mistakes… I’ll tell her, of course. She’s my best friend. Shit, she’s all I’ve got…” John sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’ll tell her everything, and then she’s going to tell me I messed up… but she’ll also help me fix it.” 

Feeling wetness on his face, he wiped at his eyes. He hadn’t even realized he was crying. He was going to have to stop worrying about Roman and seek out Marlena’s help. He didn’t trust anyone else with his emotions. He couldn’t be vulnerable with anyone else the way he was with her. “All I know is that I’ve got to get myself together. For Brady… for the Twinner’s, and Carrie.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So when you look at me

You better look hard and look twice

Is that me, baby

Or just a brilliant disguise?

Tonight our bed is cold

I’m lost in the darkness of our love

G-d have mercy on the man

Who doubts what he’s sure of

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Brilliant Disguise – Bruce Springsteen

Chapter 21 – Willow

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m like the water when your ship rolled in that night

Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife

And if it was an open/shut case

I never would have known from the look on your face

Lost in your current like a priceless wine

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

1982

Marlena stared at the man across the table at her, and then rubbed at the muscles in her neck with growing frustration. He was so obnoxious. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take. Don was trying to be the protector she didn’t need or want. Liz was blaming her for her crumbling marriage, even though Don’s infidelity was the only way Liz had gotten him to begin with. Insecurity was born of truth, and Liz knew that Don was straying back towards his ex wife. Instead of blaming Don, Liz blamed Marlena for causing him to stray. If that weren’t enough, Marlena couldn’t get her appointment with Mr. Patrick the day before out of her mind. Roman Brady had managed to trigger every fear she had in the span of an hour, and at that moment he was sitting across from her with a smug look on his face while he poured himself some morning coffee. He’d done what he came to do. She was alive, and the sun was up, so he could leave.

“You know,” Roman said, rubbing his face. “My jaw still hurts.”

He was referencing the punch that Don had landed in her office the day before. “Of course it does. It should.”

“It was so nice of you to make us breakfast,” he said, ignoring her blatant rudeness.

“You weren’t really invited,” she replied. “You just happen to be here.”

“That’s right. I wasn’t… hey, thanks a lot for the use of the bathroom, Doc. You’re, uh, all heart,” he told her with a smirk.

She barely spared him a glance before she started pouring her own mug of coffee. He was trying to be nice to her, but she wasn’t feeling very receptive. He was probably used to being a complete ass all of the time, and then flashing a charming smile to get away with whatever nonsense he’d been up to. She pitied his mother. She likely spent his childhood pulling her own hair out.

He lifted his cup to her, and said, “You know I can’t start the day right without a good cup of coffee.”

“Hmmm.” She stared at him for a moment. “Drink up.”

He took a long sip, and then laughed. Eyeing the food on the table he said, “I don’t want to impose.”

She raised her eyebrow at him. “Eat up. I have a tray of my own in the kitchen.”

“You’re kidding?” he replied in disbelief.  “That looks good enough to eat.”

“Well, I couldn’t very well let a man spend the night at my apartment, and let him eat breakfast out of a tin can. Now could I?” She folded the newspaper she was holding, and tucked it under her arm as she brushed a piece of hair behind her ear.

“You’re full of surprises, you know that?” He barely paused before he crossed his arms over his chest and said, “I didn’t think that lady doctors knew how to cook.”

Marlena stared at him wondering how he even survived. It was no wonder some woman hadn’t killed him yet with all of his sexist rhetoric. Lacking humor, she told him, “You’d be surprised what lady doctors can do.”

He smirked, “I might be at that.”

The innuendo in what he said was not lost on her, and deciding she was uncomfortable, she said, “Why don’t you eat your eggs before they get cold.”

He reached for the plate, pulling it closer. “Yes, ma’am.” He lifted his fork, asking her, “What about you? Are you going to eat by yourself out there in the kitchen?”

Watching him silently sit there, she said softly, “I guess that sounds kind of silly, doesn’t it?”

“I’ll tell you what, I will take the sports section, and you can have the rest of the paper. Okay?” Roman saw her wariness, and said, “We don’t even have to talk to each other.”

Relief washed over her. Laying the paper on the table, she said, “Okay. You have a deal,” and then she went to retrieve her food from the kitchen.

He watched her walk away. She was very beautiful, if not a little stubborn and hard headed. She’d been on her own too long. It was no wonder Don had divorced her. She wasn’t very domestic, and she certainly wasn’t one to stroke a man’s ego, and a man needed that every once in a while. Just before she left the room, he called after her. “Hey, you know what, Doc?”

Turning to face him, she asked, “Yes?”

“I have probably ruined your reputation by staying here all night, and I am terribly sorry about that.” In truth, he didn’t feel guilty at all. He wanted to aggravate her a little more. That was fun.

She couldn’t help but laugh. “I wouldn’t worry about it. It gives the neighbors something to talk about.”

He paused for a moment before asking her, “Do all of your ex husbands show up in the morning to check up on you?”

She was instantly irritated with him again. Don came by because he was concerned, but Roman’s implications were out of line. “I only have one.”

He smirked, “He still loves you.”

Slightly annoyed, she told him, “No, actually Don is remarried, and he loves his wife.”

“Oh sure,” he said. “That’s why he comes over and checks you out every morning.”

Marlena felt herself getting angry. “Is any of my private life going to stay private around you?”

Roman chuckled, “No, not if I can help it.”

She turned and walked away, and Roman laughed, scooping a forkful of cold eggs into his mouth. Teasing her was going to be more fun than he’d realized. Once she’d returned with her food they were silent while they ate, after all Roman had promised that they wouldn’t have to speak, but once he’d swallowed his last bite, he leaned back in his chair and watched her. “Thank you. You know that was one good breakfast.”

Not looking up from her paper, she said, “Thank you.”

“You’re not too liberated that you don’t enjoy cooking for a man, I see.” Marlena looked up at him with little interest over the edge of her newspaper. “Or, is it that you automatically cook biscuits every morning for breakfast?”

“Automatically. They’re pre-fab.”

He scoffed, “Hmm. They tasted homemade.”

He was trying to get under her skin, and she wanted him gone. “Bakery.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“I know I could have,” she replied, setting her paper down on the table to stare at him intently. “But I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression. I made breakfast for myself, and for you, because you… well, you’re, um, a guest in my home.”

Roman smiled, “Uninvited.”

“Very uninvited, but a guest nonetheless.”

“You know, I would have thought that Johnny would join us for breakfast,” Roman said.

Marlena lifted her mug to her lips, and swallowed her coffee, staring at him with hard eyes. “Johnny’s not here.”

“Oh?” he asked, but he already knew that. He was intentionally trying to get under her skin.

“Um, Johnny’s… he is on a camping trip with a friend of his… um, he should be back sometime today…” She was angry at him for prying into her personal life yet again. “Do you know everything there is to know about me?”

  He enjoyed seeing her so disconcerted. “I’ve got quite a file on you, yeah.” He nonchalantly took another sip of his coffee.

“What is it filed under?” she asked. “Lady Shrink?”

“Lady Doc,” he said smiling.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The more that you say

The less I know

Wherever you stray

I follow

I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kim was apprehensive to even ask Marlena what she was about to ask her, but she didn’t trust anyone else to do it. If her case was going to trial, and she now knew it was, she had to have someone she trusted to help her bring Lacey out again. Marlena sat on her couch watching her with intelligent eyes. Kim sighed. She was just going to have to come out with it. “Did Roman tell you that at my pre-trial hearing they decided my case was going to trial?”

Marlena’s eyes went wide, and her hand covered her mouth as she gasped softly. “No! Oh, Kim. You must be so scared.” Roman hadn’t mentioned the outcome of her pre-trial hearing at all, and she’d wrongly assumed that it wasn’t going to trial.

Kim knew why Roman hadn’t told her. He was afraid of her recovery slowing down, and Kim felt guilty for being there, but she had nowhere else to turn. “I know I shouldn’t be asking… but I need your help. To bring Lacey out… to convince the judge that I’m not making any of this up, and I can understand your hesitation if you don’t want to do this. Because, after all I… well, Claire is the one who shot Roman–”

“ –that never entered my mind,” Marlena told her firmly. She wanted to help Kim, but she worried if she would have the time or the energy to be any real help to her.

Kim rushed around the side of the couch, picking up Marlena’s hands gently, “Will you take my case? Will you? Marlena, I need someone who believes in me. I need somebody strong, who can convince that judge, and make him understand and accept my plea of insanity, and with all my heart I know that you’re the only one who can keep me from going to jail. Look, I’m–I’m sorry. I–I promised myself that I wasn’t going to pressure you, and I know you’ve been through a lot, but… I also know that you’re the only one that can help me.”

Marlena stared at her trying to take in everything that Kim was saying. She wanted to help her. She wanted to support her, but she’d been through this before and it hadn’t gone well. “Kim, it’s not that simple, alright? Years ago, I had a patient with MPD, and she had an alternate personality that was a chronic shoplifter–”

“ –so you know what to say, and you know what to do–”

“ –no, I don’t! I don’t,” Marlena told her. “The judge didn’t believe a word we said.”

Kim stood up, wringing her hands. “So what you’re saying is that the judge won’t believe me or you? Even though I will be telling the truth, I won’t stand a chance in hell, now do I?”

Marlena stood up gingerly, making sure not to move too quickly. She was still tender around her incision although well on her way to healing. She wanted Kim to have realistic expectations, but she didn’t want to completely crush her spirit. “What I’m saying is that judges have a very difficult time with this defense.”

Kim felt panic rise up in her throat, “We’re going to have to do something, Marlena. I can’t lose my family. I just can’t let that happen.”

“You won’t,” Marlena said, facing her. She would help her. She would do everything in her power to fight for Kim. It just wouldn’t be easy. “You did not kill Houston. We both know that. Now, if we cannot convince a judge of that, we can appeal and convince a jury of that if we have to.” She could see the fear in her sister-in-law’s eyes. “I don’t want to frighten you, Kim. I just want you to know the facts.”

Kim nodded, unable to speak for a moment. After nodding her head slowly, she said softly, “Yeah, and I appreciate that. I really do. But it’s just the thought of walking into that courtroom and bringing out Lacey…”

“It must be very scary for you,” Marlena said softly. “Are you having any luck with Dr. Allison?”

“Some,” she said. “No more blackouts. No more headaches. I’ve been able to account for a full twenty four hours. I mean, it’s wonderful, until I walked into Mickey’s office, and Mickey started talking about the case, and the fact that I may just have to bring Lacey out to testify again, but this time… in public, and when he said in public, I could feel like my whole world was falling apart again.”

Marlena stepped closer, saying gently, “Kim? You understand that dormant personalities don’t always just disappear.”

Kim whispered, “I understand that. So, what are we talking? Are they just going to wait around to seize control at any time?” She was scared, and the thought of Claire or Lacey lying in wait for years only to burst forth and take over her life was terrifying.

“No. No. Not at all. You just hope that they will surface whenever you give them permission to surface.” Marlena could see the fear in Kim’s eyes, and as much as she wanted to reassure her, there was still so much that they didn’t know about MPD. “And at some point, a long time from now, they will all integrate into one personality.”

“Oh boy. That must be a long way off,” Kim told her. “I have a hard time even beginning to imagine that there could be a Claire or a Lacey that would be having anything to do with me.”

Marlena followed Kim as she turned away from her. She was surprised to hear her say that. “But they do!” she said emphatically. “They exist to protect you. Kim, they protect you from your past experiences, and from your current stress. And you listen to me, one day… a long time from now, you will see them as your friends.” Marlena took Kim’s hand in hers, hoping to get her to understand. “And you won’t be afraid that they will take over your personality anymore.”

Kim felt the tears in her eyes. She was overcome with emotion when she asked, “Marlena? Do you really think that you can arrange all of that for me?”

“Yes, I do,” she said softly. “I think we can do that together. The first step is to really want Lacey to come out.”

Kim stared at Marlena and then laughed. “Ah, there’s the rub. I–I can’t even imagine wanting anything like that, Marlena.”

“We have to get rid of that fear then. That’s how we start working on it.” They both turned towards the front door as Roman entered, and stared at them with wary eyes.

“Kim? What are you doing here?” he asked.

“It’s nice to see you too, big brother,” she replied with a laugh. “I had to speak with Marlena about something, but now I need to go. Phillip is expecting me at the house.”

She hugged Marlena, whispering, “Thank you”, and then she kissed Roman on the cheek before leaving. He turned to find Marlena standing where she had been watching the door with sad eyes. 

“What was that about?” he asked, shrugging off his jacket.

“Kim wanted my help, to bring Lacey and Claire out so she can prove her insanity defense–”

“ –no,” he said. “Absolutely not, Doc. No way.”

“Roman! She’s your sister, and she’s asking me for help… and I think I can help her,” Marlena told him. There he was again, undermining her, and assuming he knew better than she did how to do her job. John would have talked to her. He would have made sure she was okay to do it, but he never would have told her outright that she couldn’t help Kim.

“Look, Doc, I appreciate the fact that you want to help her, but she’s got Dr. Allison doing that. You need to focus on healing, and the kids. Before your car accident you were spending all of your extra time with John, and now I think you need to focus on this family for a while!”

She felt herself getting upset, “Kim is family!”

“You know what I mean, Doc! You need to stop focusing on all of these side projects and focus on us!”

Her eyes went wide with surprise. Was he really saying that to her? When he was the one who worked incessantly, and was rarely home? “I’ve already told her I would help her, and I would think you would be more appreciative.”

“I am appreciative, Doc. I just wonder how you’re going to find time for me, and the kids when you have to fit us in between all of your other charity cases.” Roman went into the kitchen, slamming the door so hard it bounded off of the wall. 

Marlena stared after him unsure of how to respond. She glanced at the clock. It was barely noon, and she was exhausted. With the twins at the pub for a while, she slowly walked towards the stairs. She could lay down for an hour or so and then hopefully Roman would go pick them up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in

As if it were a mythical thing

Like you were a trophy or a champion ring

And there was one prize I’d cheat to win

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stared at Hailey in surprise as she told him she was leaving at the end of the week. He shouldn’t have been surprised. Things between them had been silent and awkward for nearly a week. He had been contemplating how to let her go, and all the while she was planning her escape. It worked out for both of them, although it would be another loss for Brady.

“I wanted to say thank you,” Hailey said softly. “For the job opportunity, and for time with Brady. He’s an amazing little boy. I’ve had the chance to travel, and see new things–”

“ –Hailey,” he started to say, but then he stopped. He wasn’t sure what to say. Nothing would make the situation any less awkward.

“Please don’t apologize,” she said quickly. “I would shrivel up and die where I stand if you did. I know you don’t love me, and I knew what I was doing when we… but, I’d like to keep that memory to myself… preserved the way I want it to be. I don’t regret it, and I’d like to hope that you don’t regret it either.”

He stayed quiet. He had been about to apologize, but he could respect her wishes. “I’d like to give you something. I was planning to give it to you tomorrow, but–”

Hailey couldn’t help her small snort of laughter, “ –you mean when you fired me?”

John gave her a rueful smirk, “I wasn’t going to fire you exactly.” Still she continued to smile. They both knew their time together had been coming to an end as soon as they parted ways that night. It was inevitable.

Hailey couldn’t remember much wisdom imparted by her grandfather, but he had told her once that people come in and out of your life. Some are forever, and some are for a season. Her time with John had been the most beautiful season of her life, but it was over. It was over, and she had come to terms with that.

John pulled a folded check out of his back pocket. Before he handed it to her, he said softly, “I overheard you speaking with Isabella once, about starting a childcare center in your hometown. A place where low income families could bring their children to receive quality care and kindergarten preparation at affordable rates. I–I want to help you with that.”

She stared at the check in his hand, afraid to take it. Her first thought was that he was paying her because of his guilt, but then she saw in his eyes that it wasn’t true. He genuinely cared about her. He may not be in love with her, but he wished her well. Taking the check gingerly from his hand, she slid it into her back pocket. She would look at it later, in the privacy of her own room. She already knew John well enough to know that his generosity would be overwhelming. “Thank you.”

He stepped closer, saying, “Someday, Hailey… someone is going to love you the way you deserve to be loved.” His fingers brushed her cheek, and then he leaned forward kissing her softly.

She watched him walk out the front door, and then she whispered, “I just wish it had been you.” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The more that you say

The less I know

Wherever you stray

I follow

I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s eyes opened slowly. Glancing around she realized the room was dark, and the house was quiet. Too quiet. Sitting up quickly her hand landed on a piece of paper lying beside her on the bed. Roman’s tight handwriting scrawled across the paper. You seemed tired. The kids are staying with Ma and Pop tonight. I’m going into work. Maybe we can spend time together later. She sighed. Just like he’d always been, his words read like he spoke, with an air of self pity and passive aggression. 

She tossed her legs over the side of the bed, and laid the note on her bedside table. She wasn’t sure if Roman was that much different since his return, or if she was the one who had changed. She’d been through so much in the two years before her death, and she couldn’t remember any of the five years she’d been gone except for flashes of Roman screaming at her bedside, and a chess board. She shivered at just the implication of what the chessboard meant, and because of that she didn’t ever allow herself to think about it for too long.

In her heart she knew that out of the two of them, she was the most changed. She was stronger, more independent. Her short time with John had metamorphosed her from a caterpillar to a butterfly. He’d fostered her intelligence. He’d made her feel as if she was capable of anything, and he’d supported her every decision. How could she not be different? 

She lifted Roman’s note, and read over it again. It was perfunctory, but not necessarily rude. Maybe she was reading too much into it. Maybe she wasn’t. His last words before he stalked into the kitchen rang in her mind: I am appreciative, Doc. I just wonder how you’re going to find time for me, and the kids when you have to fit us in between all of your other charity cases.

The arguing between them was too much. She knew it was affecting her healing process by slowing it down. It was also affecting the twins, and Carrie rarely came by the house, electing to see Marlena when her father wasn’t home. Roman was unhappy about Carrie’s relationship with Austin, and although he hadn’t directly said so, she suspected it had to do with a new case he was working on. He had a lot of questions about Austin’s boxing match that seemed odd to her. When she’d mentioned it, Roman had gotten silent, and then said loudly, “You don’t have to try and psychoanalyze everything I do, Doc!”

The children were at the pub for the night, and she had the whole evening to herself, because she doubted Roman would be home before bedtime. Her stomach growled. When had she eaten last? Breakfast? “I’m going to have to get something to eat,” she said, standing up slowly. “Eggs, toast, and tea.” Reaching for her novel, she mumbled, “Another evening alone…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know that my train could take you home

Anywhere else is hollow

I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s empty plate sat in front of her, but she was lost in thought. She had been on and off all day. Actually for several days. Something was going on with Roman. Sure, he was working a lot. Much more than normal, but it was more than that. He was distracted, he was irritable, and he was defensive – oftentimes for no reason, and he was accusatory, blaming her for things or insinuating things that were often born of his own insecurities rather than fact. More and more she found herself thinking about their early days together. He wasn’t much different, and yet the contrast was extreme. She had come to realize that the difference was her. She wasn’t dependent on him. Not the way she had been in the beginning of their relationship. Did he still want that? Did he want to be the man of the house, telling her what to do, and how to behave? 

She felt as if he didn’t even trust her to do her own job. A job she had trained for years to do. Even when he met her, and he was aware that she’d been a practicing psychiatrist for years, he would often undermine her or try to take away her autonomy. Times were different then. Society and men in general had come a long way, but not Roman Brady. Years earlier, when she and Valerie were trying to determine if Eugene might be the one attacking the women of Salem, Roman had become irate. He threatened her, and his anger in the moment had been overwhelming. She could still see the anger in his eyes, and the color in his cheeks.

“Alright, let’s knock off this tennis ball routine okay? Now, I want you to listen to me, and you listen good. If either one of you decides to play amateur detective, or even tries to walk across the street without first checking with myself or Abe Carver, so help me G-d, I will have you run in on so many charges that you’ll be in jail ‘till hell freezes over! Now do you understand me?”

Why had she allowed him to waltz into her life, and so easily take control? Marlena stood up, taking her plate to the sink to rinse it. She knew why. It was easier than fighting every day with her own demons, and her own emotions. It was easier than the constant state of fear and exhaustion that she lived with. Roman coming into her life and telling her what to do, and where to be was almost a relief, but it wouldn’t have been a long term solution. No matter how much she loved him. She was already struggling with his domineering attitude by the time they got married.

She stopped moving, and then thought about those moments when she had allowed John to take control. When she had given him the power over her. She shivered. It had been similar, but different. John’s control was in the bedroom. After a long day at work when she wanted to stop making decisions, and give over her control… John had been there. Not controlling her life, but allowing him control in the bedroom had been a relief. How had she not realized that before?

The telephone rang, and her fork clattered loudly as it fell into the sink. The house was too quiet. She took a deep breath and reached for the telephone, “Hello?”

“Hey, Doc,” John said softly. He adjusted Brady in his arms, and then noticed Caroline coming to take take him. He smiled at her warmly as Brady reached for her. 

He laughed when Sami yelled at him, “Why are you on the phone?”

Marlena couldn’t help smiling, “Was that Sami?”

“Yeah,” he laughed again. Sami had run over and wrapped her small arms around his waist. “I just met with my accountant when I came to pick up Brady. I was lucky enough to have dinner with the Twinner’s, and thought I would check on you. Caroline mentioned that Roman was at work, and I worry you, you know? Have you had dinner?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

They count me out time and time again

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind

But I come back stronger than a ‘90s trend

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Loneliness, and silence had led her to inviting John over, and asking him to bring the twins home as well. She wanted her children with her, and Roman could deal with it when he came home. There was no reason for them to spend so much time with his parents when she was healed enough to take care of them herself. More often than not, Roman left them with his parents to avoid having to take care of them himself. 

A part of her heart ached when the front door opened, and Sami cried out, “Daddy drove us home!” Marlena’s eyes met John’s and she saw the pain there as well. Daddy. She couldn’t break them of it, although they had taken to saying it only when Roman wasn’t around. That made her even more sad.

Completely oblivious to what was happening between John and Marlena, Eric held up a bag, saying, “Grandma told me to bring you some chowder and soda bread.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful darling, because your Mama is very hungry!” Marlena replied, giving Eric a wide smile. “Thank you so much for bringing it to me.” 

He beamed with pride. “I didn’t even drop it once!”

Sami, always the one who said what she was thinking, blurted out, “Well really, it was grandpa, because we was all talkin’, and getting our coats on, and then he comes out and says, take this to your mother because Roman probably didn’t think to feed her–”

John clapped his hand over Sami’s mouth with one hand, while juggling Brady with the other, but it was too late. Sami pried his hand off of her face with outrage, “Why’d ya do that?”

“Because, Peanut, sometimes little girls named Sami talk too much,” John laughed. “Now take off your coats, and–”

“ –hang them in the closet,” Eric grumbled. “Yeah, we know.”

“Is the stool still in there?” he asked them.

Marlena was surprised. There was a stool in there, but she’d never thought to ask what it was for. She knew as soon as Sami pulled it out, and then climbed up on it, reaching for a coat hanger to hang up her jacket. Marlena had been hanging their coats up for them for the last year, telling herself they were too short to reach, and he’d already had a system in place for them to do it independently. She caught Eric watching her, and she asked him, “What else have you been keeping from me you rascal?”

His blue eyes twinkled, and he laughed, but said nothing. John watched the whole interaction, finding it humorous. “Have you two been acting helpless, and allowing your mother to do everything for you?”

Sami shrugged, “Not everything, but it’s easier when Mom hangs up our coats.”

Marlena reached for Brady, taking him from John’s arms, and she buried her face in his sweet baby smell. “Oh, Brady! I missed you, little man!”

John couldn’t help but think that Isabella was missing out on Brady’s life. His son was going to grow up without a mother, and his recent conversations with Victor and Abe resonated more deeply. Isabella would want him to move on. She would want him to be happy, but as he watched Marlena with Brady, John wasn’t sure he would ever find that kind of happiness again. He’d had it with Marlena. He’d had it with Isabella. What were the chances that he’d find someone for a third chance at love? Standing so close to Marlena, he wasn’t sure he wanted to, and that kind of thinking would get him into trouble.

“Let’s get you out of this bulky snow suit, little guy,” Marlena said, reaching for the zipper at Brady’s neck. He gave her a goofy smile, and she couldn’t help but smile back at him. He looked so much like John, but his thick brown curls and deep brown eyes were a lasting reminder of his mother. 

John reached forward, helping Marlena, and their fingers tangled together. She looked up at him, and caught a whiff of his cologne. Instantly her stomach clenched, and she felt flutters low in her abdomen. She tried to ignore the way his hand held hers for a few seconds too long. Her eyes closed briefly, and when they opened she saw John watching her. She cleared her throat, and then helped pull Brady’s arms from the sleeves. She was lonely. Nothing more.

Sami watched as her mother held Brady in the air while John tugged the snow suit over the baby’s feet. She laughed when Brady started kicking his legs. “I wish I had a baby brother.”

“Brady is our brother!” Eric piped up. “I told Grandpa that Brady was my brother, and he said, he sure is boy-o, and that means he’s our brother.”

Marlena cuddled Brady close to her, “Family can be complicated, Eric, but you’re right. Brady is family.”

“I have a brother?” Sami asked excitedly. She turned to John, “Daddy?”

He wasn’t sure what to say, but Eric and Sami were so young, and so excited. Giving Marlena a rueful smirk, he shrugged, “Your mother is right. Family is complicated, but Brady will most certainly grow up thinking that you two are his brother and sister.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wait for the signal and I’ll meet you after dark

Show me the places where the others gave you scars

Now this is an open/shut case

I guess I should’ve known from the look on your face

Every bait and switch was a work of art

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami and Eric were in bed for the night, but Brady was wide awake laying on the couch between John and Marlena. He was staring around the room, watching the Christmas lights flicker on the tree. Marlena had been planning to take it down before New Year’s, but it was looking like that wouldn’t happen. The lights, combined with the fire in the hearth, gave the room a warm, honey glow. John leaned back, stretching his arm across the back of the couch comfortably, and Marlena reached over, threading her fingers through his. He’d been quiet since helping her put the twins to bed. She realized that it was the first time he’d done that since he said goodbye to them a year earlier. Softly, she asked him, “How are you doing?”

He knew it was more than a general question. “I’m finding that I’m angry a lot more. Angry at Isabella. About the fact that she refused to see specialists, or pursue a more aggressive cancer treatment. I feel like she gave up, and then left me to pick up the pieces. I’m angry about Roman coming hom, although I would never say that to anyone but you. I’m angry that I lost the kids…”

“Isabella spoke to me a few times before you left for Italy,” Marlena said softly. “She didn’t want you to watch her suffer. She didn’t want to put you and Brady through a long drawn out fight, only for it to end with the same result. Carly was certain. The cancer was terminal.”

John’s emotions got the better of him, “She didn’t know that, Doc! She didn’t even try!” 

It was a normal part of the grieving process for him to feel the way he was. That, combined with Roman’s return, and losing the children. John had experienced more loss in the last year than any person should have to. She understood it too, because she felt like she’d lost him. “Anger is normal… but Isabella didn’t want to be remembered that way, John. She wanted to be remembered as full of life.”

“I should have been able to express my feelings! Instead I felt like I couldn’t. She was dying, what right did I even have?” he said. “I needed more time with her. Brady needed more time with her.”

“No,” she told him firmly. “No, John. As much as you wish you could have a say in her choices, it was hers, and you did the right thing. You supported her. You allowed her to make the decision that was best for her. You loved her through it–”

“ –and now she’s gone,” he finished grimly. “She’s gone, and I’m raising our son alone. He won’t even remember her. He won’t remember her smile, or her laugh.”

Marlena scooted closer, and Brady reached for her. She lifted his slight weight into her arms, and she smiled gently when he laid his head on her shoulder and sighed. She missed having a baby. She’d lost D.J. at three months, and her time with the twins was barely two years. Softly, she rubbed over his back. John had spent those five years she’d been gone, being the most amazing father to her children. They’d barely discussed it. She’d thought they’d have a lifetime, and then they found Roman. In truth, Roman found them. 

“What was it like?” she asked John quietly. “Raising Carrie… having those years with the twins? What was it like?”

“It was everything I wanted,” he replied softly. His thumb brushed over her palm when she reached for him again. “I’d lost you, and they were the center of my universe. Everytime I combed Sami’s hair, I remembered your hair. Everytime Eric smiled… I remembered your smile. Carrie was so wise at times, that I would swear she was channeling you. Having them in my life, made losing you less painful and somehow more painful all at the same time.”

“Is that how you feel now?” she asked him. “With Brady?”

John watched his son wind his fingers in Marlena’s hair. Brady’s eyes were closing as sleep started to take over. “Yeah. Yeah, it is. His hair. His soft brown eyes… he reminds me of Isabella everytime I look at him. When she first died… I had trouble even looking at him. I couldn’t hold him, and I was allowing Hailey to take over most of his care. She called me out on it, and forced me to realize what I was doing.”

“Oh, John.” She couldn’t stop herself from moving closer. Brady lifted his head, and turned towards his father. In the way babies do, he fell carelessly towards him assuming John would catch him. He did. He cradled Brady against his chest, and then immediately brushed his fingers lightly across Marlena’s cheek. 

“I never saw my life turning out like this,” he told her. The way the light was reflecting off of her features had him thinking of other times with her in that very room. Times when they sat together on the couch, or when the fireplace was lit, and they… He stopped his thought. He couldn’t go there. “I’m not sure what I expected. At one point, I thought I would spend it with you… and then Diana came along, and I really believed she was it. Yvette wasn’t around long enough for anything to really take off, and then Isabella… I guess I thought she was my chance to start over after losing you. My real chance at something lasting–”

Marlena leaned into his palm, allowing herself to feel the warmth, even if it was just for a moment. “–and then I came back, and turned your world upside down.”

“In the best way, Doc. I know that it was difficult for everyone involved, but having you back in my life. I wouldn’t change that.” His fingers trailed down her cheek, and slipped underneath the fall of her hair squeezing her neck. It was so natural to touch her at that moment. He could imagine pulling her forward and kissing her gently. It would be so easy, and so natural. He stared into her hazel eyes, whispering, “I wouldn’t ever change that.”

Her breath caught in her chest, and she pulled back, standing up quickly. It was too intimate, and they hadn’t said anything particularly personal. But she was responding to him, and his touch had grown too soft. She stood beside the couch, staring down at John with confused eyes when the front door opened abruptly, and Roman entered looking at them in surprise. 

Quickly, Marlena said, “Roman, I wasn’t expecting you home before bedtime.”

“Obviously,” he mumbled, shrugging out of his coat. He opened the closet, and kicked at the stool that had been pulled out. “What is this doing here?”

“The twins used it to put their coats away,” she replied, walking towards him. She kissed him softly on the cheek.

Roman pushed the stool deeper into the recesses of the closet, saying, “I almost broke my leg on it.” He turned to John, and without any type of greeting he said, “Isn’t it past Brady’s bedtime?”

“Roman!” Marlena exclaimed. Roman wasn’t even trying to disguise his rudeness.

“No, Marlena,” John said quickly. “He’s right. It’s late. I’ve got to get Brady down for the night, and with Hailey leaving soon, I’ve got to figure out how to do it on my own. I won’t have help after the end of the week.”

She blinked at him several times in surprise, “Hailey’s leaving?” Something must have happened.

“Yeah,” he said. He wouldn’t look at her as he reached for Brady’s snow suit. He shook it out and then laid it on the couch. John glanced up at Marlena quickly, seeing her confusion. He’d meant to talk to her about what had happened with Hailey, but they’d run out of time. “We can catch up later.”

The conversation was over. She knew not to ask any more questions with Roman standing there like a silent sentinel. “Thank you for bringing the children home,” she said softly.

“Anytime, Doc. Thanks for allowing Brady and I to hang out,” he said. “Brady loves Sami and Eric.”

Roman watched them with growing anger. Mumbling something about coffee, he walked towards the kitchen without another word. Once he’d left the room, Marlena whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” John said. He held his arm out, and she stepped towards him allowing herself to have a brief moment of relief. It was quick, a squeeze and kiss on the top of her head, her taking a deep breath of him, and then John let her go. Without thinking, she reached for him, gently brushing her fingers across his lips. John grabbed her wrist, holding her fingers to his mouth. He kissed the soft skin of her palm, and then whispered, “Bye, Doc.”

He was gone, and she stared at the door for several seconds feeling a loss so profound she didn’t fully understand it.

Roman exited the kitchen. “Well, he left pretty quickly.”

Marlena turned on him with fierce hazel eyes, “And why wouldn’t he, Roman? You didn’t even say hello. You didn’t exactly make him feel welcome!”

“He’s not welcome, Doc, and yet everytime I turn around he’s there!” Roman yelled. “I left the kids at the pub so you could rest, and instead I came home to the children upstairs asleep, and you down here playing hostess to your ex-husband and his baby.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The more that you say

The less I know

Wherever you stray

I follow

I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“His baby?” Marlena repeated incredulously. “He named his son after your family as a sign of respect, and love. That beautiful little boy is named Brady. Please don’t do this Roman. Don’t allow your anger at what Stefano has done to this family to bleed out onto an innocent child.”

“John Black is not innocent!” Roman roared. “He was a vital part of Stefano’s plan!”

“You don’t know that!” Marlena cried. “He doesn’t remember his life before. All he knows is this family, and you would rip it from him, and not feel an ounce of regret.”

“He came into Salem, and lied his way into this family! He pretended to be me! He lied his way into my job! He lied his way into your bed! And instead of hating him for it, all of you embrace him! You love him for his lies–”

“ –that’s not true, Roman! But none of it was malicious! He has no memory of it!”

“I lost everything. I was taken from my family, and came home to find that I wasn’t even missed. How could you miss me, when I was right here in Salem. Right? How could my parents, and my siblings mourn me, when I was just living on the other side of town? But, I wasn’t! I wasn’t. I was rotting in a fucking prison cell in the jungle, while John was planted here by Stefano to live my life.” Roman stepped closer to Marlena, gripping her upper arm forcefully, “But here’s the thing I’ll never understand, Doc. Does he taste like me?”

“What?” she whispered in surprise. She could feel the heat from the fireplace on her skin, but it no longer held the warmth it had when John was there. 

“Does he make love the way I do?” Roman asked her in a voice full of venom. 

“No,” she gasped. “Roman it wasn’t like that. He had amnesia… I thought… I thought that–”

“You thought what? Doc? Amnesia completely changes a man?” Marlena started crying, but Roman shook her. He was sick of her lies, and if she truly believed what she was saying, then she was lying to herself. “Don’t lie to me! The plastic surgery on his face. I get that. Amnesia! Okay! I get that, too… but what about his dick?”

She pulled her arm away from him, rubbing at her skin, and staring at him in shock. It would be bruised again. She stared at Roman with wide, tear filled eyes. She couldn’t argue with him. She didn’t even want to think about it. Weakly, she sobbed, “I didn’t know!”

He sneered at her, “The fuck you didn’t.” He headed towards the stairs, telling her, “I’m sleeping in the guest room.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know that my train could take you home

Anywhere else is hollow

I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena stared at the ceiling of her bedroom surrounded by deafening silence. The furnace kicking on sounded like a roar. A car outside made her want to cover her ears. Roman’s coughing on the other side of the wall made her want to scream. Was he right? Should she have known that John wasn’t him? Or was she already so in love with John Black, that she was willing to overlook things that should have been reg flags. John didn’t taste like Roman, and as crude as the question was… she knew why Roman had asked about her sex life with John. 

She closed her eyes tightly. She couldn’t think about it. With John, the attraction had been there from the beginning. From the moment he shook her hand in Shenanigan’s she was intrigued. With Roman, it had been gradual, but with John, in those early days, when they would argue, she had been one step away from kissing him. Sometimes she felt like she still was.

Downstairs, just before Roman came home, she’d felt it so strongly she’d stood up ready to run from the room. It was innate, natural, and she wasn’t sure what to do with it. She was married to Roman, but more and more often, she felt like he was pushing her away. He was at work more often than not. If he was at home, he had his face buried in a file, but he would still claim he was spending time with his family.

Marlena smiled softly in the darkness. She opened her eyes, remembering gentle moments with John – their arguments over his sign-in/sign-out sheet, eating Chinese food in her office, when she’d discovered his amnesia, and her promising to treat him not as a patient… but as a friend. Because they were friends, but in her heart they were more. They’d always been something more. She wouldn’t have followed anyone else into the wilderness of the West Virginia mountains. She wouldn’t have stayed with anyone else after they allowed her to run. But with John, she came back. She found him, and she refused to leave him, all the while confused over who he might actually be. She was scared of who he might actually be.

She loved him, and fought her own internal war, because if he was Stefano, how could she love him? That was why it was so easy to accept him as Roman, but she could never tell Roman that. She could never tell him that her love for John allowed her to overlook the obvious clues, because it allowed her to have him in her life, and in her bed.

“Oh, G-d,” she whispered softly to herself, remembering that first night together. 

She sat on the edge of the bed, and reached for the button of his jeans. Leaning forward she kissed the plane of his abdomen slowly, whispering to him, “I love you so much.”

Marlena wasn’t certain who she was saying she loved. Roman Brady, or John Black. They had become so intertwined in her mind over the last few days, but as she stared up into the deepest, bluest eyes she’d ever seen, she had to admit that she was confessing her love to John. The man she had fallen irrevocably in love with over the last six months. 

He threaded his fingers into her hair, holding her lips to his skin for a moment. When he released her, she stared up at him thinking she would never allow him to forget her again. She would make sure that he took every moment of their night together and he would never forget the feel of her, the taste of her… or the sound of her soft moans as she rocked underneath him. She would permanently etch herself on his mind.

Marlena moaned softly. Her fingers traced over her own skin as she recalled the feeling of his hands on her body. It had been so long since Roman touched her, and John’s brief touch earlier had her body craving more. Arching under her own hand, she sighed, pushing her blanket lower while tugging her nightgown up. She needed release, even as John’s blue eyes continued to flash in her mind. His soft smile, and the way his eyes crinkled at the edges when he looked at her. 

“I love you, Doc,” he whispered, watching her slip the button of his jeans free. 

Marlena thought for a moment, how different his body was. She pushed her thought away, refusing to allow herself to think about it. Running her fingers over his hips, she learned the new lines of him. Roman, she thought to herself. This was Roman. But in the recesses of her mind, she heard herself whispering John. Ultimately, she couldn’t think about anything at all, except for his hands on her body. The heat between her legs, as his fingers slid over her swollen clit. The friction that came with his long length sliding in and out of her in a symphony of sensation that pushed them both over the edge.

Afterwards, sometime during the night, she woke to the sensation of his fingers tracing softly over her lips, and she turned towards him as he kissed her gently. His mouth kissed her lips, and her cheek. He ran his nose alongside hers in a silent dance of want, she felt her body reacting all over again. Softly, she whispered, “I’ve missed you so.”

He kissed her again, “I’m back.”

She stared at him for a moment. The love she felt for him was so intertwined with the love she felt for Roman, that all she could do was say, “Don’t leave again.” She couldn’t lose him. Whether he was Roman… or John. She loved him too much to lose him. “Don’t go away.” She felt the tears in her eyes, and she reached for him, “Roman…”

He looked away uncomfortably, and then repeated softly, “Roman.”

“Should I call you, John?” she asked him. She would call him whatever he asked her to call him. She loved him that much. 

He laced their fingers together, kissing her hand gently. “I’m getting used to it.”

“I love you so.” She meant it. Every cell inside her body, every strand of light that made up her soul… all of it was devoted to him. The man that laid next to her. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

He kissed her again, with more intent, and she moaned softly into him. The pressure of his body pushing her more deeply into the mattress was all she needed, as she told him, “I want you… oh, how I want you…”

Marlena’s eyes closed again, and she sighed softly as she slowly pushed her hand inside her panties imagining John’s hands on her that night. She couldn’t imagine anything else. That night he had been so gentle. He was always gentle, but there were times when he wasn’t. In those moments when his lovemaking was so distinctly unlike Roman, the questions would arise again, only for her to push them back down.

John’s hands got rougher over time, and his demands became more abrupt, but none of that mattered because she started to crave it. She craved the build-up, the forcefulness, and the ability to let go. She would spend a long day at work dreaming of letting go at night, and allowing her husband to dictate the flow of the evening. She still did. She dreamed of John telling her how he wanted her body on the bed, or his husky voice demanding that she spread her legs wider so that he could feast on her.

Marlena moaned softly, rubbing the tip of her index finger softly over the seam of her sex. If Roman walked in at that very moment, she would let him fuck her, and pretend it was John. She felt a moment of guilt for those thoughts, but they were gone as soon as she pushed between her folds, and touched her clit. She was gone within a matter of minutes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The more that you say

The less I know

Wherever you stray

I follow

Begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hello?” Taylor said into the telephone in a sleepy voice. It was the early part of the morning, and she had only been asleep for an hour after finishing another 2 am shift. Those shifts made it easier to avoid Roman. It hurt less that way.

“McCall?” Roman said in a rough voice. “I need to see you.”

“You seed to see me?” she asked with a laugh. “You’ve been pushing me away, and then you fucking kiss me in your backyard, and push me away again. I can’t keep playing these games with you, Brady.”

He nearly groaned, as he said, “Please. Taylor…”

He’d never been to her apartment. She’d never brought any man to her apartment. It was her sacred space. Bringing Roman there, allowing him into her bed, she’d never be able to give him up. “I can meet you somewhere,” she said softly.

“I can’t wait,” he whispered. “I’ll be at your place in ten minutes.”

She hesitated, but she could hear the desperation in his voice. He was going to fuck her so good. Her body was already reacting. Sliding her legs over the edge of the bed, she replied, “Ten minutes.”

Roman reached down, adjusting his hard on in his pants to try and find some position that was more comfortable. It was impossible. “Ten minutes,” he said roughly, before hanging up the telephone.

Marlena woke up when she heard the door to the guest room close loudly. Roman’s footsteps on the stairs were not quiet. She turned to look at the clock on her bedside table. It was barely four o’clock in the morning. She sighed. He was probably going to work just to avoid her. She rubbed her hands over her face, and turned on the lamp beside her. She wouldn’t be going back to sleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You know that my train could take you home

Anywhere else is hollow

Begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

Hey, that’s my man

Yeah, that’s my man

Yeah, that’s my man

Every bait and switch was a work of art

That’s my man

Hey, that’s my man

I’m begging for you to take my hand

Wreck my plans

That’s my man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Willow – Taylor Swift

Chapter 22 – Unchained Melody

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Woah, my love, my darling

I’ve hungered for your touch

A long, lonely time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena answered the telephone, and heard John’s gentle voice on the line, “Hey, Doc. I’ve got a quick question. Brady has a low grade fever, and he’s fussy. With Hailey gone now, I’ve got to figure these things out on my own–”

“ –check inside his mouth. Are his gums inflamed?” she asked. Brady was probably teething. She’d already noticed the four he’d gotten over the last few months. He would give her his wide gappy grin every time he saw her.

“Oh, wow. Yeah, they’re a dark pink, and they do look swollen,” John said, softly running his finger along Brady’s gums. He must be in so much pain.

“Baby Tylenol will help. Do you have any Anbesol?” she balanced the telephone between her shoulder and her ear, as she started combing Sami’s hair into a ponytail. 

It was nearly 8:30 pm, and they were running late. She was supposed to drop Sami off for a sleepover at her friend Jaimie’s, and Eric had been planning to spend the night with Shawn D at Bo’s. Bo hadn’t made any plans for New Years since his relationship with Carly had recently ended. He’d told her he just wanted a quiet night with the boys, but the plans had changed in the last hour. In an earlier phone call, Bo had informed her that Shawn D had chicken pox, which meant Eric was staying home. Sami, always worried about her twin brother, cancelled her sleepover with Jaimie. Marlena had scrambled to find a sitter, finding herself incredibly relieved to find out that Carrie was available for the night. 

John rummaged through the box of medicines and creams that Hailey had labeled, and lifted out a small bottle of Anbesol. “I do,” he said with relief. 

Marlena almost laughed, as she wrapped the elastic around Sami’s hair. “Put some directly on his gums. Dose him with Tylenol, and then… make sure you do this part, John. I need you to get a few washcloths wet, wring them out, and then put them in the freezer. You’ll thank me for it later. Brady will probably fall asleep, but when he wakes he might be fussy until he cuts those teeth. Having a frozen washcloth to chew on will be a relief for him.”

“You probably think I’m some kind of neurotic nut,” he laughed. “But you gotta understand, I never took care of a baby before. I mean, think about it, the Twinner’s, they were mere toddlers when you and I got married… and Carrie was an adolescent.”

“You’re doing a wonderful job. I think you should congratulate yourself.”

John measured out the dropper of Tylenol, and as he was giving Brady the medicine, he said, “Have I ever told you how amazing you are, Doc?”

“A few times, I think, but I don’t mind hearing it again.” She leaned over and whispered to Sami, “Go and finish cleaning your room. Tell Eric to finish up as well. Carrie should be arriving with the movies and the pizza soon.”

“Are the kids planning something for New Years?” he asked. Putting some Anbesol on his finger he gently rubbed it over Brady’s gums.

Marlena sighed, “They were planning sleepovers, but Shawn D came down with chicken pox, and then Sami–”

“ –Sami cancelled hers because she didn’t want Eric to be sad?” he finished.

“How did you know?” she laughed. “Since Austin is playing the piano tonight at Wings, Carrie was free to babysit. It worked out.” She sat on the end of her bed, and tried to decide which dress she wanted to wear to the party. She had one she hadn’t worn yet. A soft brown animal print that flowed softly when she walked. She felt incredibly sexy in it, but she wasn’t even sure Roman would notice.

“Well, that explains why Carrie asked me to drop Brady off at your house,” John said in a teasing tone. “You stole my babysitter.”

“Oh, John! She didn’t tell me that! I’m sorry,” Marlena exclaimed. “If I’d known–”

“ –it’s not a big deal, Doc. It works out. She said Eric and Sami will be thrilled to have Brady for the evening, and I can bring the playpen so he’ll have somewhere to sleep. Although, I may not be able to pick him up until morning.”

“They will be so excited to have him here,” Marlena said softly. “I’ll let Carrie tell them when she arrives. What are your plans for the evening?”

“Rebecca wanted to go to the party at Wings,” he told her. “I was planning to stay in for the night, so this was sort of a last minute thing.”

“Rebecca Morrison?” Marlena asked. “The assistant D.A.?”

John sensed the tension in Marlena’s voice. “Do you know her?”

“She’s been assigned Kim’s case.” 

She was quiet for a moment, so John replied, “I wasn’t aware.”

“It was a fairly new occurrence. The D.A. assigned her because Roman accused him of having a political motivation to convict Kim. He’s up for re-election this year.” Marlena sighed, “This case for Kim has Roman all over the place anyway. He refused to press charges when Claire shot him, but he has no control over the charges against Kim because of Lacey. He doesn’t do well when he feels like things are outside of his control, and then… well, he was very upset when I told him that Kim had asked for my help.”

John asked her with some worry, “Are you up for that, Doc? There’s been a lot of changes in your life this year, and you’re still recovering from your accident.”

She sighed, “At least you asked me.” She hadn’t meant to say it, but the words were out of her mouth before she could take them back.

“He’s unhappy?” John asked in surprise. “I would think he would want you to help Kimmy.”

“He thinks that Dr. Allison is enough, but Kim is worried, and she explicitly asked for my help. I agreed, thinking Roman would be fine with it. He isn’t.”

“Have you told Kim?” he wondered. Kim would be upset when she found out Marlena was backing out.

“Told her what?” Marlena wanted to know.

It was then that John realized that Marlena was going to help Kim with or without Roman’s blessing. He smiled. He was proud of her, and maybe someday he would tell her, but it wasn’t the time. “So, Roman’s not taking it well?”

“He’s furious, and I’m… I’m not sure what to do. I feel like… I don’t know. I’m not doing it right.” Marlena stood up, walking towards her closet. She had to pick a dress, and she was already overwhelmed. “I can’t discuss it right now.”

“C’mon,” he said. “This is me you’re talking to. I know you’ve been on edge lately. You can talk to me.”

Marlena was so quiet for a moment. She felt like talking to John about her marital problems was crossing a line, but who else did she have in her life? Talking to Maggie was out of the question. The whole hospital would know by the end of the week. Alice was dealing with her own family issues. 

“What’s going on?” John repeated. He wished he was with her. That he could see her face to know what she was thinking.

Marlena took a deep breath. “It’s me. It’s me, it’s me, it’s me… it’s… ever since we came back from Mexico, I promised myself that when we returned to Salem, I would have a second chance. Roman would get his second chance. I would not make mistakes, but I’m–I’m not doing it right.”

She was unhappy. He’d known for weeks, maybe longer, but he’d been so caught up with Isabella that he’d not noticed. Hearing the pain in her voice was hard. “Have you tried?”

“I’ve tried,” she said quickly. She paused before she told him, “Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? Maybe that’s it. I’m not talking to Roman about my feelings. I’m not talking about… what’s going on inside me.” John could hear the tears as she spoke. So quietly, he barely heard her, she asked him, “We all did that, didn’t we? When Roman came back? We all just went forward as if nothing had happened, as though nothing had changed! As though… we had nothing to deal with…”

“Doc,” John whispered. He felt himself getting choked up. He knew exactly what she was talking about. How many times had he dreamt of Marlena or called out for her in his sleep? How many times had he caught Isabella watching him sadly as he stared at Marlena across the room? He knew exactly what Marlena was talking about, but he also knew there was no solution for it, except to move forward. Keep moving forward.

“We all acted as if nothing changed,” Marlena said sadly. “We’re still doing that. We’re not dealing with anything. I’m working and taking care of the children… Roman is working so often he spends more time at the station than he does at home.”

All he wanted to do was alleviate her pain. To take some of it away, and make her feel like there was some hope. “You know, Doc,” he started softly, “… the New Year is a time for change. For new beginnings. So, why don’t you try to just dive in with Roman? Don’t worry about what you’re going to say, or what you’re going to do. Don’t think about it. Just speak what’s on your mind, and let it flow right through your heart.”

In the darkness of her closet, she whispered, “You make that sound so simple.”

“Well, it’s because I’m not a shrink, and therefore I tend to not overanalyze.” She couldn’t help smiling. John continued, “That’s not a criticism… just an observation.”

She tugged on the string to turn the light on. It suddenly felt too intimate inside her dark closet. His soft voice, and his whispered words. He wasn’t even in the same space with her, but it already felt like too much. “That’s very good advice. I think I will take your advice… in fact, I can’t wait to see Roman, and, uh, try it out.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And time goes by so slowly

And time can do so much

Are you still mine?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John picked up the scent of Marlena’s perfume, before he even knew she was in the room. Rebecca watched him with her intense eyes as he took a breath and closed his eyes for the briefest of moments. She watched as his shoulders tensed, and he tried to act as if he hadn’t noticed at all. But there was no denying his reaction to Marlena Brady when she laughed at something Julie said. John tried to act casual as he turned his head to see Marlena enter the restaurant on the arm of her husband. Rebecca didn’t like competition, and she certainly didn’t like losing. He still had feelings for his ex wife, and that was a snag she wasn’t expecting. 

As if she hadn’t noticed his reaction, Rebecca said casually, “I wasn’t expecting Roman to come to this party. It seems fancier than he’d like.”

John didn’t respond. His eyes were stuck on Marlena. She was fucking beautiful, and he hoped that Roman had told her as much. The way her dress hugged her curves, and the chiffon draped from her waist. She was an absolute vision. 

“John?” Rebecca asked him. “Did you hear me?”

He turned to face her, feeling disconcerted. “I’m sorry, Rebecca. I missed that. What were you saying?”

She smiled indulgently, while feeling frustration inside. How could she compete with a memory? His recently deceased wife was enough. Marlena alive and glowing was much worse. “I was saying that it’s surprising to see Roman so dressed up.”

John glanced over at them again, and realized that Marlena was staring at him. He smiled, and then turned back to Rebecca, “Marlena deserves a night out.”

She almost growled. That wasn’t even what she’d said. “Every woman deserves a night out.” The song changed, and she widened her eyes, “Oh, I love this song, John!” Truthfully, she had no idea what it was, but it was slow, and it would require him to hold her close while moving slowly across the dance floor.

John, taking his cue, held out his hand, “Would you like to dance, Rebbeca?”

“I’d love to.” Gingerly, she took the hand he offered, and stepped around the small, intimate table towards him. When John’s arm slid around her waist, she pressed herself against him.

He knew he was distracted. How could he not be? Marlena’s sadness on the telephone earlier had struck a chord inside him. Her whispered words, we all acted as if nothing changed. She was right. They had. They’d all returned from Mexico, and went on with their lives, but he and Marlena, he and Roman… they’d never discussed the past. That was why Roman still held so much hatred and animosity towards him. It was why he still dreamed of Marlena even more than a year later. Nothing was resolved, and instead of offering a viable solution, he’d told her to dive in with Roman. There was nothing else he could say. They’d moved on.

Rebecca leaned closer, and he took a breath. Her perfume was almost overpowering. He’d never understand the new trend of vanilla scented body sprays and other scents that smelled like food. Rebecca was a combination of vanilla and citrus. It was nothing like Marlena’s soft lavender scent. He lifted his eyes to find Marlena watching from her table. Roman was speaking with someone else from work and paying her no mind. She lifted her glass of white wine, and lifted it to her mouth, but she never looked away. Something in his abdomen fluttered. Fuck. He felt like he had that first night he made love to her. He could hear Marlena saying, I feel just like a schoolgirl.

Rebecca said something witty, and he laughed, but he wouldn’t remember what it was later. All he would remember was getting lost in Marlena’s wide hazel eyes, and the way her throat looked when she swallowed her wine. The long, slender line of her neck. The way her blonde hair curled over her shoulders, and the creamy glow of her freckled skin. That’s all he would remember.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I need your love

I need your love

God speed your love to me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena started to feel ill just before eleven o’clock. She had mentioned it to Roman, to which he’d dismissively responded, “Why don’t you order a ginger ale or a Sprite?”

She glanced down at her plate. Was it the chicken? She’d thought it seemed slightly pink. She’d even shown it to Roman, but he’d told her that she was overreacting. Now she wasn’t so sure she was. She stood up quickly, her hand covering her mouth, and she rushed towards the restroom. She barely made it inside before she was leaning over a toilet and vomiting violently. A cold sweat broke out across her skin, and she felt the room feel as if it swayed around her. Food poisoning. What a horrible thing to happen on New Year’s Eve.

Standing up slowly, she turned around to find Rebecca watching her with worried eyes. Great. Fucking great.

“Marlena,” Rebecca asked softly. “Are you okay?”

“I think it’s food poisoning,” she said, flushing the toilet, and stepping around the other woman. “I’ll just ask Roman to take me home. I think the chicken was cooked incorrectly.”

“That’s why I came in here,” Rebecca said. “Roman and I just got a call from the station. They need us to come in. He wanted me to tell you. There’s a new lead on the Giamberti gambling case.” She watched Marlena for a moment. She looked like she might faint where she was standing. Her skin had taken on a pallid tone, and her lips seemed pale. As much as Rebecca wished she could think of something else, she said, “Perhaps John could drive you home?”

Marlena turned on the cold water, and then tore several paper towels off of the dispenser. Wetting them, she dabbed at her neck, and then rinsed her mouth out. Standing up, she saw Rebecca still watching her in the mirror. Roman was being called into work. She shouldn’t be surprised. Infact, she should have expected it sooner. “That’s fine. John can drive me. I just need to go home.”

Roman and John both stood outside of the ladies room when Marlena and Rebecca came out. Marlena heard Roman say rudely, “My wife doesn’t need you to drive her home. She’s fine taking a taxi. Rebecca can ride with me to the station, and you can either stay here or go home. I don’t really care.” He was leaning towards John in a threatening manner, and again she was struck by how she had ever believed that John was Roman. Roman was nearly two inches shorter.

“Roman,” she said. “I’m sick. I need to go home.”

“I’ve gotta go in to work, Doc. I thought Rebecca told you,” he replied as if he hadn’t even heard her say she was ill.

Marlena sighed, feeling another wave of nausea wash over her. She closed her eyes and swayed slightly on her feet. Her hand fluttered back reaching for something to grasp onto, and she felt John’s arm under her palm. John caught her before her back hit the door behind her. John looked at Roman, and said in low tones, “Your wife is sick. Brady is at your house. Let me drive Marlena home, and pick up my son.”

“Roman,” Rebecca said. “We have to go. John’s right. He will have to pick up Brady, and if Brady is at your house, it just makes sense for him to take Marlena home.”

Roman glanced down to where John’s arm was still firmly around Marlena’s waist, and her hand had somehow made it to John’s chest. He was furious, but he couldn’t fight it anymore. He would look like a jealous fool. He glanced over just in time to see Taylor walk out with Daniel Wilson, another police officer they worked with. He found himself growing even angrier. What the fuck was Taylor doing with Daniel?

Roman thought about going to Taylor’s apartment a few days earlier. He shouldn’t have gone, but he could still see Marlena’s body on their bed, her nightgown around her hips with her hand buried between her legs. He could still hear her whispering John’s name. Knowing there was nothing more he could say, he grunted, “Fine. Rebecca, let’s go.”

Marlena watched him walk away. He hadn’t even said goodbye to her. When they were out of sight, she leaned heavily against John’s shoulder, saying weakly, “The chicken was undercooked.”

“Let’s tell Julie, and then I’ll get you home,” he whispered. He wanted to say so much more. All he could do was show her that she deserved to be treated better.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lonely rivers flow

To the sea, to the sea

To the open arms of the sea, yeah

Lonely rivers sigh

“Wait for me, wait for me”

I’ll be coming home, wait for me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John leaned across Marlena, fastening her seatbelt. Once he heard the click, he stood up to find her watching him. She reached up, running her fingers gently through the hair at the nape of his neck. “You’re so kind to me.”

“You deserve kindness, Marlena. Don’t forget that,” he told her gently. “Don’t ever forget that. He kissed her forehead, and then closed the car door.

She watched him round the vehicle, and when he climbed in she was surrounded by the scent of his cologne. Allowing her head to fall back against the seat, she closed her eyes again as another wave of nausea came over her. She felt John’s hand on hers as he pressed a plastic bag into her hand. “Just in case,” he told her gently.

Turning her head towards him, she said, “Thank you… for everything.”

John was quiet for a while as he drove towards the house he had called home for five years. He glanced over at Marlena. Her fist was tight, and inside it she held the bag he’d given her. Suddenly she tipped her head towards him, and she asked, “What happened with Hailey?”

He sighed. “I’m not sure that’s something we should be discussing right now.”

She continued to stare at him. She had no right to be upset, but she was disappointed in him. She whispered, “You made love to her?”

“Doc,” he said. “I’m not sure what to say.”

“Did you?” she asked.

“I did… and I immediately regretted it. I was drunk. I was upset. I was lonely… I was a fucking idiot. But I can’t take it back.” He rubbed his hand over his face as he pulled into her driveway. It was nearing 11:30 pm. Brady and the twins would be asleep. 

“Did she choose to leave… or did you ask her to leave?”

“I was going to ask her, but she came to me and said it was time to go. We both knew it was a mistake,” he said.

“She was in love with you,” Marlena told him as a statement of fact. She wouldn’t ask him if it was true, because she’d already seen for herself that it was. Hailey loved him. Marlena stared at him for a moment, “But it’s not hard to fall in love with you.”

He felt that flutter in his chest, as he got lost in her eyes for a moment. Shit. He was falling in love with her again. That’s what was happening. How had he missed that? “Let’s get you in the house,” he said quickly.

Marlena knew he was changing the subject. He was uncomfortable. She was too. Her feelings for him were becoming more confusing lately. She closed her eyes, waiting for him to come around and open her door. She was lying to herself. She wasn’t confused. As soon as the cool night breeze washed over her bare shoulders, and she opened her eyes to find John leaning over her again, she knew she wasn’t confused.

He looked at her. She was so beautiful. Cupping her soft cheek, he rubbed his thumb over her skin, and asked, “You ready?”

Carrie looked up in surprise when the front door opened, and John walked in supporting Marlena. He smiled wryly, “Roman had to go in to work, and Marlena is sick. Let me get her settled upstairs. Is Brady asleep?”

Carrie put her magazine down, “Yes. He fell asleep around 7:30. Sami and Eric lasted until about an hour ago. If Marlena is sick… should I stay?”

“Carrie, you can leave. I know you were hoping to catch the end of Austin’s shift tonight, and I’ll be fine. It was just some undercooked chicken… it’s not contagious.” Marlena tried to smile as she reached for the banister to go upstairs, but she wobbled on her feet. John caught her before she fell, and then in an instant she was swept up in his arms. She wasn’t going to fight it. She wrapped her arm around his neck, and allowed her head to rest against his shoulder, whispering, “Thank you.”

“Punkin’, I’m going to need to speak with you soon, but for now you can head out. Austin will be happy to see you, and I’ve got things handled here,” he told her.
Carrie brightened, “Are you sure?” But even as she asked, she was already tossing her book in her purse, and heading towards the closet to grab her coat.

“I’m sure,” he said. “Lock the door behind you. I might be here awhile.”

On her way out the door, Carrie said, “I hope you feel better, Marlena.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Woah, my love, my darling

I’ve hungered, hungered for your touch

A long, lonely time

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John sat Marlena gingerly on the bed, and then turned towards the dresser opening the drawer she always kept her sleep clothes in. His fingers ran over the soft satins in the draw for a moment. He could remember the feel of her body underneath one of those satin negligees. He almost groaned, instead forcing himself to focus. Something about her earlier confession on the telephone had flipped a switch inside him. Where he hadn’t had any hope for them, he suddenly felt… something, and that was dangerous. Pushing aside the sexy nightclothes, he pulled out a soft pair of pajamas –  a cotton set covered in tiny snowflakes. He wasn’t sure where she’d gotten them, but they were modest. Turning towards her, he held them out and asked, “Will these work?”

“Yes.” She stood up, reaching for them, but immediately sat back down. Just the thought of John’s hands in her drawer, ruffling through her personal items, had her feeling achy. It was just loneliness. John was right. She needed to dive in with Roman.

“Hey… hey, hey,” he said, steadying her. He put the pajamas on the bed beside her, and knelt in front of her. Resting his hands on her knees, his eyes implored her. “Let me help you.”

“You can’t dress me,” she told him, but her heart was pounding, and her palms were sweaty.  

“It doesn’t mean anything,” he told her. “A friend helping a friend. I won’t look at you. Cross my heart, hope to die–”

Marlena smiled shyly, and stared up at him for a moment. She was too dizzy to fight him. She may be stubborn, but she wasn’t stupid. “Okay.”

“Now, let’s get you up, and then get this dress off of you. Unless you want to sleep in that,” he told her with a teasing grin. He glanced down. Her breasts were curving around the edges of her bodice, and from the way the dress was structured, he could tell the support was built in. She had nothing underneath except a pair of thigh high stockings and her panties. He closed his eyes for a moment, reminding himself not to groan.

She watched him curiously. If she didn’t know better, he seemed as disconcerted as she was.  “Sleeping in this dress might be a bit uncomfortable.”

John helped her stand up, and then stepped closer as he reached behind her, and lowered the zipper at the back of her dress. Marlena held the dress against her as it fell open in the back. She could feel the cool air against her skin. He lifted the pajama top, making sure that the buttons were unfastened. Their eyes locked, and then Marlena allowed the dress to fall. She felt her nipples pebble, and then the warmth of embarrassment started to push its way into her cheeks. His eyes never left hers as he helped her into the shirt, pulling the two sides together to cover her breasts, but once he started to button it she knew he was taking in her skin inch by inch. His fingers brushed against her flesh, and he murmured, “You always were so soft.”

She couldn’t respond. She could barely breathe.

In a rough voice, he said, “Okay, now the pants.” From their time together, he knew that she never wore panties underneath pajamas, but that wasn’t something he felt comfortable asking. If she wanted them off, she could remove them later, after he was gone. He would probably spend his time before bed imagining the way she would push them over her hips.

Marlena’s voice shook as she whispered, “I, um, I need to use the restroom, and brush my teeth. I can finish dressing there.”

He released a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” she said.

He was relieved and disappointed at the same time, but he helped her to the bathroom, and she did seem more steady on her feet. Stepping back, he allowed himself one last look at her stocking covered legs, enjoying the way the lace band wrapped around her thighs. Turning away from her, he said, “Leave the door cracked. Just in case. I’m going to check on the twinner’s and Brady. I’ll be back.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And time goes by so slowly

And time can do so much

Are you still mine?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stayed gone from Marlena’s room for more than forty minutes. He busied himself with putting away stray toys, washing up the dishes in the sink, and packing up Brady’s things. He could pack up the playpen just before they left. Heading back upstairs, he peeked in on the twins one last time. He brushed his hand over their faces the way he always had before, and he kissed them softly, whispering, “Daddy loves you.” He shouldn’t say that. He shouldn’t encourage them, but they were asleep, and he loved them so.

Stepping into Marlena’s room, he saw her eyes flutter as he stepped closer to her. “I wondered where you’d disappeared to,” she whispered softly. 

He stepped even closer, drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She had pulled her hair up into a messy bun on top of her head, and one of the buttons on her pajama top had come undone. He wanted so badly to reach out and trace his finger along the soft flesh between her breasts. She stared up at him with sleep glazed eyes. John murmured, “You look half-asleep already, Doc.”

“I wanted to say goodnight to you.” She reached her hand out, and he sat beside her on the bed. Cupping her face, he asked, “Do you feel any better?”

“A little. It was definitely the chicken. I could tell Julie felt awful about it.”

“Julie will be fine, although I can imagine her chef won’t be when she’s done with him,” John chuckled. He pushed a stray tendril of hair behind her ear, “Get some rest, baby. I’ll check on you tomorrow.”

She stared at him. He’d called her baby. They both knew it was a mistake. He hadn’t meant it, but it meant something to her. Even if it was an accidental slip of the tongue, it meant he cared, and it had been so long since Marlena felt like anyone cared. “I bet you didn’t imagine ringing in the New Year like this.”

“1993…” He leaned over her, intending to kiss her forehead as he said, “Hopefully it’s better than last year.” John paused, caught up in the way her eyes reflected the moonlight. “Happy New Year, Doc.”

Marlena reached up, brushing her fingertips across his lips. They were both silent for a moment. She should have stopped him when his lips brushed her as gently as a breeze. Instead her fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck, and she pulled him closer, whispering, “Happy New Year, John,” against his mouth.

It was a soft kiss. A brief melding of their lips, and when he pulled away, she could feel the moistness left behind. 

He stood up shakily, and in a rough voice, he said, “Goodnight, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I need your love

I need your love

God speed your love to me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Unchained Melody – The Righteous Brothers

Chapter 23 – I’m the Only One

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Please, baby, can’t you see

My mind’s a burnin’ hell

I got razors a-rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The door to the pub closed on Roman’s back as Marlena sat at a small table in the corner. They’d been meeting for lunch, but as she glanced over his half finished meal she wasn’t surprised. Trying to dive in with Roman was almost impossible if he wouldn’t stay in the same room with her longer than twenty five minutes at a time – sleeping didn’t count. Just the night before, she’d tried to talk to him about something endearing that Sami and Eric had done, and he’d cut her off saying, “I’m really tired, Doc. I’m gonna get some sleep.” She’d watched him turn towards his lamp, cut off the light, and then fluff his pillow. She’d been dismissed yet again. How could she reconnect with him when he had built a wall between them that she had no idea how to scale? How did Roman expect to build a bond with his children when he wouldn’t even listen to her talk about them. She felt as if she were caught in an endless loop of unhappiness with no end in sight. She was diving in by herself.

She looked up when the waitress, Lisa, approached the table. Softly Marlena said, “Roman won’t be coming back.”

“He left?” Lisa asked her in confusion. She felt as if he’d just arrived, but in the year since his return, Lisa had come to learn that the newly returned Roman Brady was nothing like the one she’d known when she worked part time at the fish market. She tried to acknowledge Marlena’s sadness, it would only embarrass her. Lisa asked her, “Would you like me to box up the rest of his food?”

“No,” Marlena replied quietly. What was the point? He wouldn’t eat it. It would sit in their refrigerator for a few days, the food would go bad, and then she’d have to throw it out anyway. “There’s no need to box it up. You can take the plate though. Thank you.”

Rebecca watched Marlena from the bar. She’d stopped in to pick up a quick order of corned beef and cabbage with a side of soda bread. It was a rare occurrence that she allowed herself to eat food with such high levels of sodium. It caused her to bloat and retain water, and Rebecca was diligent about her figure, especially now that she was so focused on winning John. However, since New Year’s eve a week earlier she hadn’t seen John. She’d called him and left a message, but she refused to call any man more than once. She wanted him, but she wouldn’t allow herself to seem desperate. What she needed to know was what attracted him? What made John’s heart beat for a woman? Her soft tone, and flattering comments didn’t seem to work, but then in all the years she’d been watching him, John Black wasn’t a typical man. She stared at Marlena for a moment longer, and then decided to go straight to the source.

Marlena almost groaned aloud when she saw Rebecca approaching. Speaking with Rebecca was the last thing she wanted. She’d been working hard with Kim to find ways to bring out Lacey during their sessions with no luck, and Marlena had started to view Rebecca as the enemy. As the Assistant D.A., Rebecca was simply doing her job, but in Marlena’s mind her feelings for Rebecca Morrison had become intertwined with Rebecca’s growing infatuation with John, causing Marlena to view her in a way that she normally wouldn’t. Rebecca was the enemy. Not simply for the fact that she wanted to convict Kim, but also for the fact that she so obviously wanted John. The women practically salivated over him, and Marlena found it to be gauche, and somehow, she was taking it personally.

She’d never been a jealous woman, especially with John. When she was with him it hadn’t mattered how many women turned their heads towards him. Marlena had known that he was, and would always be, her man. It had never been in question that another woman would entrance him, because he was absolutely enamored with her. But, he wasn’t hers anymore, and when he was with Isabella, she had reluctantly accepted that. At least he was with a woman who loved him more than life itself. Sure, it hurt, but he had been loved, and she could accept that. She’d even come to the point where it didn’t break her heart every time she saw them together. 

On New Year’s Eve, she couldn’t understand why seeing him with Rebecca had made her feel so out of control. It made her do impulsive things, like watching him dance with Rebecca while seductively drinking her wine. She’d known that the way her eyes held him over the rim of her glass was probably unnerving, but she couldn’t take her eyes away from him. He was a striking figure in a tuxedo. Most women would watch him, and that night, he’d watched her as well. There were silent sparks of chemistry glancing off of them across the room, and while Roman had barely acknowledged her dress, John’s eyes had scanned over her body making her feel like the sexiest woman in the room. Then, later that night, in her home, she’d kissed John in the bedroom she shared with Roman. She could still feel his soft mouth on hers, and the coolness of the air against her moist lips when he pulled back to stare at her with wide eyes. She closed her eyes briefly, trying to gather herself together before being forced to speak with Rebecca.

Taking a deep breath she stared at her own unfinished plate. Obligatory social interactions with Rebecca took away whatever appetite she may have had left. She pushed her plate away. Marlena couldn’t recall actually finishing a meal in weeks. Either her appetite was nonexistent, or she argued with Roman and it left her soon after. She heard Rebecca’s saccharine calm voice behind her, “Hello, Marlena.”

Turning her head, Marlena said, “Oh, hi, Rebecca.” Maybe if she seemed disinterested Rebecca would leave.

“How’s Kimberly?” Rebecca asked her. She knew it was the wrong thing to ask as soon as Marlena looked her in the eyes. Kimberly as a topic of conversation was likely not the way to go.

Marlena turned around, bracing herself on the back of her chair. With disinterest, she looked up at Rebecca. “Uh, Kimberly, is trying very hard to deal with her situation.”

She knew it would sound hollow, but still Rebecca told her, “I wish her the best.”

Marlena sighed, “Did you come to talk about Kim?”

Rebecca blinked at her in surprise, but then said, “No. I… I didn’t. I wanted to ask you about John Black.” 

Marlena controlled her response. Inside she was shaking. She could feel the vibrations in her muscles, but years of practice in her professional life had taught her the value of withholding an emotional response. “What about him?” she asked flatly.

Rebecca walked around the table, standing behind the chair recently vacated by Roman. “How can I get him to notice me as a woman?”

Marlena suddenly found it almost impossible to school her face. The audacity of Rebecca to even ask her for such personal information when she was the one prosecuting Kim. Marlena was unable to separate the two, and she wasn’t ready to face her own growing emotional response to John. She knew that her feelings for John were playing a large part in her current frame of mind. Rebecca pulled out the chair without invitation, and sat down. Marlena stared at her unblinking.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so blunt–” Rebecca said. She placed her clutch on the table, and her packaged food on the floor beside her two inch pumps. Marlena wanted to groan. It looked like she was staying.

“ –but, you were trained in law school to get right to the point,” Marlena finished for her.

Rebecca could tell that Marlena was uncomfortable, but once she’d started the conversation she couldn’t back down. It wasn’t in her nature. “Well, normally I’d never dream of asking another woman about how to attract a man.”

With little emotion, Marlena said, “I can’t imagine that that’s ever been a problem for you.”

Marlena’s eye contact was intense, and Rebecca was usually the one that enjoyed making people uncomfortable. It was throwing her off to be watched and studied so intently. She mumbled, “John’s different.”

Marlena crossed her arms in front of her on the table. She could feel the tension in her back, holding herself rigid. She felt it in her neck, and she would pay for it later. All she said was, “Really? How is it different?”

Rebecca suddenly felt as if she was being psychoanalyzed, and made her feel decidedly awkward. “Well, I’ve – I’ve been interested in John for a long time. Ever since I met him at the precinct. Actually, ever since you and John were married.”

For a split second, Marlena lost her composure. Her eyes blinked, and she shifted her head, but then she took back control. She would not allow Rebecca to win this game she had started. “Really?”

Rebecca looked down at her hands, and then back up at Marlena. “Yes, and when he thought you died, I thought I finally had a chance, but then he started seeing a string of other women and then Isabella came along and… well, you know the rest.”

There had never been a point in her life when she had detested someone as much as she currently detested Rebecca. Admitting to wanting John while he was married was brazen. Even if it was true, admitting it aloud was crass. In five years, John had dated four people. He’d been engaged to Diana when she left him, and he had ultimately married Isabella. A flirtation with Yvette DuPrés and Whitney Baker was not dating, and Marlena would hardly call any of that a string of other women. 

Rebecca continued talking as if she hadn’t noticed Marlena’s growing distaste for her, “And now that Isabella is gone and John’s finally free again, I… I–I know that John loved Isabella and he’s still grieving for her, but I know that one of these days he’ll come to terms with that and… when he does… I want it to be with me. The problem is that John doesn’t see me as anything but a friend. I was hoping you could give me some pointers.”

Marlena couldn’t remember the last time she had been as angry as she was right then. Maybe it had been her argument with Roman the night she left for New York. She’d walked out that night, and then recklessly spent three days in a New York hotel with John in the room next door. She did impulsive, emotional things when she was angry. She lost control, and that was something she rarely did. She heard the tightness in her own voice as she said, “I don’t know… how to make John feel… something that he’s not feeling already. Grieving is a very private time. It has its own life, and when it’s over, it’s over, and you can’t rush that process.”

Rebecca stared at her for a moment, and then finally asked, “I do understand what you’re saying, but, knowing John as well as you do… are you sure that his holding back isn’t more than that?”

Without directly asking, Marlena knew what she was fishing for. Rebecca wanted to know if John was still in love with her. Was their affection for each other so noticeable that it would create doubt in Rebecca’s mind? If it was, had Roman noticed too? Was it possible that was why he was pushing her away? To Rebecca she replied, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Well, um, please don’t take this the wrong way… sometimes, I get the feeling that John’s ambivalence toward me has as much to do with you as Isabella.” Rebecca watched Marlena to see if there was a change in her that she tried to hide.

Marlena leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table, while lacing her fingers together under her chin. She was done with the conversation, and she wanted to end it. Rebecca, as calm and collected as she seemed, was an absolute shrew. “What makes you think that John’s ambivalence towards you has anything at all to do with me?”

Rebecca stumbled a bit over her words, “I–I knew John when everyone, including John, thought he was Roman, and he loved you back then. I gather you loved him.”

“Roman is home,” Marlena said firmly. She wasn’t going to discuss her feelings for John, past or present. “My husband is home. We’re married again.”

Nodding her head as if she understood, Rebecca replied, “Yes, and John was married to Isabella until she died.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting at,” Marlena lied.

Rebecca hated being backed into a corner. Marlena Brady knew exactly what she was implying, but if she needed to be straightforward, she would. “John is a man who’s lost two wives, and I was wondering if that’s why he seems so gun shy with me?”

“I don’t know.” Marlena continued to watch Rebecca noting the way she shifted in her seat, and looked away awkwardly. 

“But you’re a psychiatrist,” Rebecca pressed. She smiled, and tilted her head as if she were a girl in love. “You would be able to tell if his behavior fits into some sort of a pattern and if it does… how to help him break out of that.”

Marlena wasn’t one to normally lose her patience, but at that moment, she did. “You know what?” she asked, lifting her napkin from her lap and placing it on the table next to her plate of uneaten cold food. She gave Rebecca a cold stare. “John is my friend… and I don’t think it’s nice to engage in parlor analysis behind his back. Maybe, all that’s happening is that he doesn’t like you the way you’d like him to like you.”

The gloves were off, and Rebecca felt the coldness of Marlena’s words as they traveled across the table. She glanced away, but then quickly looked back. She wouldn’t back down, although Marlena’s animosity was clear. “Well, you don’t pull any punches, do you?”

Marlena almost smirked at Rebecca’s discomfiture. Memories of John’s kiss in her bedroom on New Year’s flashed in her mind. She could still taste him, and feel the gentle pressure of his lips on hers. Rebecca wasn’t the woman he was kissing that night. Even as her own thoughts shocked her, she told Rebecca casually, “I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. I’ve seen you and John together. He obviously… well, he enjoys your company.”

Rebecca’s frustration was rising. “Yes… as a friend… as a former colleague…” She wanted more.

Marlena sat back feeling smug, “I think your assessment of the situation is correct.” She needed Rebecca to fully understand what she was saying, so she leaned forward again just slightly, “John needs time to sort out his life, and if you’re not willing to give him time then I don’t see any way of–”

“ –no, I, uh, I’m not going to give up on John.” Rebecca had never been so cowed by a conversation in her life. She was the one who was usually intimidating to other women, but she suddenly found herself feeling as insecure as a girl in middle school. “He’s definitely a man worth waiting for,” she said softly. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tonight, you told me

That you ache for something new

‘Cause some other woman is lookin’ like something

That might be good for you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lisa removed Marlena’s partially eaten plate, but Marlena continued to sit there staring into her lukewarm mug of coffee. Rebecca had left the pub a few minutes earlier, more frustrated than she’d ever been in her life, and Marlena felt some joy in that. Something about Rebecca rubbed her the wrong way, and she’d be glad if John’s friendship with Rebecca never went anywhere. He was a man who deserved more. He certainly didn’t deserve a woman like Rebecca Morrison. She was too clinical, all hard edges and manipulation. John deserved unconditional love, he didn’t deserve the cold calculation Rebecca was employing to try and reel him in.

John saw Marlena as soon as he walked in. She was lost in thought and staring into a cup of coffee. He thought she would notice his approach, but she was obviously distracted.  “Penny for your thoughts?” John asked softly, leaning close to Marlena’s ear. Her scent wafted up to him, and he breathed deeply of her. They’d been avoiding each other for a week. He wasn’t sure of Marlena’s motivations for avoiding him, but he knew his. Their kiss in her bedroom had left him more confused than ever. He couldn’t get it off of his mind, and there was guilt that came with it. Guilt because she was married to Roman, and guilt because he’d already slept with Hailey. He couldn’t have himself drawn into an impossible situation with Marlena. She couldn’t reciprocate his growing feelings, and he was still grieving Isabella. That knowledge, however, didn’t stop him from dreaming that their kiss went even further.

Marlena smiled softly, tipping her face up to his, only to find him impossibly close. Too close. She pulled back, taking a quick breath. “John…”

Something about her reaction made his heart beat faster. Smiling widely, he walked around her, gesturing towards the chair across from her. “Do you mind if I join you?”

“I don’t mind. It’s always nice to see you.” And it was. Rebecca has left her with a sour disposition. Seeing John brightened her mood immediately. “You just missed seeing Rebecca,” she said.

“Actually, I saw her outside. She casually offered herself up as a lawyer for EcoSystems, and I kindly let her down,” he said. “I have a lawyer, and Rebecca, as good as she is at what she does, is a little too eager to get to know me. If you know what I mean.”

Marlena couldn’t stop the hoot of laughter that she let loose. Her hand clapped over her mouth and she glanced around quickly to make sure she hadn’t drawn too much attention. She leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “She was asking my opinion of what she could do to get you to notice her. Then she told me that when we were married… she wanted you then.”

John leaned towards her, so that they were mere inches apart, and cocked his eyebrow. “Well, that’s not the best way to get information out of you is it? Telling you she wanted to steal your man.”

Marlena’s eyes went wide. Even if he wasn’t interested in Rebecca, he was smug about her interest in him. Marlena reached forward, smacking his arm. “John Black!”

“What?” he asked with a bark of laughter. “Are you saying a guy can’t be flattered?”

“Not by her,” Marlena said without thinking. She was quiet, realizing how that might sound. Catty. Controlling. Jealous. John’s grin widened, and even without saying so, she knew it made him even more gleeful. “Stop it!” she hissed.

“It’s good for a man’s ego, Doc. That’s all.” He was quiet for a moment, and then his face turned serious. “How are you feeling? I haven’t been able to speak with you this week. Were you sick for a long time?”

“I was sick for a couple days.” John’s eyebrow raised, and Marlena said quickly, “You don’t want to hear about it. Besides, I’m fine now. I’ve been busy with work, and Sami signed up for the elementary school play, so she’s having after school rehearsals. Between my patients, Eric’s new interest in everything religious, and Sami’s schedule… I barely have time to breathe and cook dinner. They’ve been getting to bed later and later.”

John watched her as she spoke, noticing the fatigue in her eyes. She was losing weight too. It could be because she was sick, but he’d noticed it at New Year’s as well. “Have you eaten?” he asked casually. “Because I’m hungry for some of Caroline’s chowder.”

She sighed, “I ate. Well, I tried to eat, but then Roman left abruptly, and then Rebecca came to talk–”

Lisa started walking towards them with a smile, and John said, “Let’s get some chowder, Doc.”

“John, I ate,” she tried to say, but he waved her off, and gave Lisa his prizewinning smile.

“Two chowders, please, and some of Caroline’s famous soda bread,” John told her. He glanced at Marlena, and then told Lisa, “And a Coca-Cola too.”

Lisa couldn’t help smiling back. She’d known him since she’d worked at the fish market as a teen, and Shawn and Caroline still considered him family. They wouldn’t hear anyone saying otherwise. “And coffee for you?”

“Of course,” he told her. “Thank you.”

Marlena watched him flirt ridiculously with Lisa, and wondered why his flirtation with Lisa didn’t bother her, but the thought of him with Rebecca did. She still wasn’t quite sure. She was usually so in tune with her own emotions, but recently her feelings for John had been so intrusive. They were friends. They were just friends. That was wrong though, because she’d kissed him. Sure he’d brushed his lips softly over hers. It could have been considered friendly, but what she’d done, lacing her fingers into his hair and pulling his mouth back to hers… she’d kissed him.

“How are things going with Roman?” he asked her, reaching out to touch her arm. She’d disappeared into another daydream, and she only did that when she was exhausted. Marlena looked at him quickly, realizing she’d drifted off.

“He’s caught up in this Giamberti gambling case. He’s convinced they’re working out of Johnny Rocket’s, and he has people watching a kid that works there. He sometimes talks about it, but that’s all I know.” Marlena sighed. “He works a lot… it’s hard to dive in with someone who spends less than an hour or two a day with me.” She hated feeling sorry for herself, but she wasn’t getting enough sleep, she was stretched too thin, and she really wasn’t eating enough. On that part, John was right.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone

Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing’s wrong

But I’m the only one

Who’ll walk across the fire for you

And I’m the only one

Who’ll drown in my desire for you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John was pleased to watch as Marlena scraped her bowl clean with the last bit of buttered soda bread. He was happy to watch her drink down the rest of her second Coca-Cola as well. The calories would be good for her. She’d eaten everything, and they’d had pleasant conversation throughout without any awkward pauses. Well, without almost any awkward pauses. There was a moment when their eyes met, and they’d stopped speaking for several beats. John had cleared his throat, and glanced away and Marlena had blushed softly. He’d wanted to reach out and stroke his thumb over her cheek, but he’d cleared his throat and started talking about the radiator covers he’d made for the house. 

He was quiet for a moment, wondering how to start his conversation with Marlena. He’d been needing to speak with her about Carrie for awhile, but there hadn’t ever been an appropriate time. Not that talking about it in the pub was perfect, but it had to be done. “I needed to speak with you about something, before I speak to Carrie about it. I thought about talking to Roman, but Roman would think I’m meddling–”

He was rambling, so Marlena reached out, placing her hand on his arm gently, and said, “ –I understand. You don’t have to explain.” And he didn’t. Anything related to Carrie that involved John would set Roman off. They’d already argued about John giving her money for school. Roman had come home demanding that she force John out of the children’s lives.

“I was meeting with my accountant… actually it was the evening I brought the Twinner’s home for you, and well, there was a problem with a check drawn on my account,” he told her. “It’s actually a little bit difficult for me to say.”

“There’s nothing you can’t say to me,” she told him softly. “You know that.”

There was no easy way to tell her what he was about to say. So rather than try and deliver the news gently, he said, “Well, it’s about Carrie. I’m afraid she may have forged one of my checks.” He pulled the cancelled check out of his back pocket, and handed it to her across the table awkwardly. “The women at the bank noticed a large gap in the check sequence, and then passed it on to my accountant. It ran from something like 2352 to…” John leaned over, trying to see the check number in Marlena’s hands, “I don’t know, what do you have there?”

Marlena stared at the check she held, and said, “2573.”

“Yeah,” he said. His gut was churning. He’d been sitting on the information for awhile, unsure of what to do, or how to handle it. If he was still Carrie’s father it would have been so much easier. Dealing with Roman made it almost impossible. “So whoever took it obviously yanked it out of the back of the book.”

She understood why he hadn’t involved Roman, but she still found it shocking that he suspected Carrie. “You think it was Carrie?” she whispered.

“I don’t want to,” he told her. “I don’t, but that check was written on a day when Hailey was off, and I’d asked Carrie to come over and watch Brady so I could attend a board meeting. Carrie stayed at the loft and looked after Brady that afternoon.”

Marlena still couldn’t believe it. “John… that’s–that’s forgery! You’re talking about stealing!” She looked around, and then said more quietly, “Carrie is no thief.”

“All right, just–just listen to this,” he said, making sure they weren’t drawing attention to themselves with the intensity of their conversation. “The day you left for New York, she came to me and asked for $5000… said she needed it for school tuition.”

Marlena stared at him for a moment. That was the money Roman had been angry about. “And you turned her down?”

“No! No, I cut her the check. Roman found out about it, hit the roof, that’s when we had the big argument – but the fact of the matter is, come to find out, her tuition was already paid.”

“When we were in New York… you never said.” Marlena was quiet for a moment, “You didn’t tell me you’d paid her tuition.”

“Doc, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, and you… in New York you were obviously upset.”

“So, she lied to you?” she asked.

“After we came back to Salem, I confronted her about it, and she admitted that she was trying to help Austin pay off his gambling debts–”

Marlena gasped softly, “ – gambling debts? John, he boxes and Gus Giamberti was his manager!”

“I’m worried about the same thing, Doc. I don’t want Carrie pulled into anything related to what Roman might be investigating. That’s why I’ve been sitting on this, trying to figure out what to do.” He rubbed his hands over her face, and then leaned his arms on the table, watching her.

“Oh, my,” she whispered. 

John took the check from Marlena’s fingers, feeling the softness of her skin when his hand grazed over them. “I helped her out before… I would have helped her again.” He stared at the check, still trying to process it all. He’d raised Carrie. Marlena was right, Carrie wasn’t a thief, but who else could it have been? 

She asked, “Could it have been someone else? Was she alone that day?”

“Billie was with her,” he said. “Billie Reed.”

“Billie has a drug problem. I saw her at Christmas. She was ill from it.” Marlena said carefully, “I think we need to involve Roman.”

“No. No,” he said. “Roman stays out of this. Not until we know for sure! That’s why I came to you, Doc!”

Marlena realized that Lisa was watching them, and she whispered, “Roman is Carrie’s father!”

He shook his head. “This is between Carrie and me. She’s an adult now.”

“I know how old Carrie is,” Marlena said softly. She wished they weren’t having this conversation in the pub. 

“But Roman doesn’t,” John said with frustration. “He treats her like a kid… Look, I’ll ask her about Billie Reed, but I swore to Carrie when she was eighteen that I would treat her like an adult.”

Marlena knew that keeping this from Roman would enrage him. “That was before you knew that you were not her father.”

John leaned forward, saying in low rough tones, “Dammit Doc! I raised them for more years than he did! Now that fact really hit home when he accused me of hornin’ in. As far as I’m concerned, he’s the one that took back my daughter, as well as my house, my job, even my wi–” He stopped speaking, and closed his eyes, but he’d said enough. She knew what his next words were going to be. My wife.

Marlena swallowed thickly, glancing around again. He’d never had the opportunity to say these things. Neither of them had. Her conversation a week earlier came back to her. Her own words echoed in her mind. The ones she’d whispered in the darkness of her closet: We all did that, didn’t we? When Roman came back? We all just went forward as if nothing had happened, as though nothing had changed! As though… we had nothing to deal with…

His heart was beating so fast he could feel his blood pulsing in his ears. How many times recently when he’d felt overwhelmed like this had he gone out to his garage, and pounded on a punching bag for an hour? He couldn’t do that right then. He took a deep breath and rubbed both hands over his face in frustration. When he’d first come to Salem he would rage, and break things when he was overwhelmed. He had healthier coping mechanisms now that he’d lived a life he could remember, but right then he was feeling out of control. When he opened his eyes, he saw Marlena staring at him with warm, perceptive eyes. She understood him better than anyone, which is why he wasn’t surprised when she slid her hand down his arm and reached for his hand, saying softly, “Let’s go talk somewhere else. Not here.”

“The pier?” he asked, feeling his chest constrict. He felt like he was going to lose his mind.

“Yes.” She laced her fingers with his, squeezing his hand, and then released him to reach for her coat. “The pier.” The last time they’d been down there was after her argument with Roman – when he’d seen Roger kiss her on the surveillance footage from the warehouse. It seemed fitting that they go there then, when they both had so much they needed to process. Pier 29 was special to both of them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s only fear that makes you run

The demons that you’re hiding from

When all your promises are gone

I’m the only one

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman stood outside Taylor’s apartment, and wondered why he was there. He’d told her it was over, and if they had anything else to say it could be done over the telephone, and yet, he couldn’t bring himself to tell her no. She’d tracked him down at the pub, and he’d lied to his wife once again saying he had to go into work. When were his lies going to stop? However, lately, Taylor’s tears and the pain in her eyes pulled at him more and more. He would tell anyone else that they were falling in love, but to himself he denied it. He wasn’t falling in love with Taylor. He loved his wife. He loved Marlena. But, that was hard to believe when Taylor opened the door looking a mess, with swollen tear filled eyes and a messy bun of blonde hair on top of her head. He stepped inside her apartment without a word, and closed the door quietly behind him. Silence surrounded them, and he had to fight the impulse her had to devour her.

He glanced around. Her apartment was a mess. An empty pizza box sat on the counter top in her galley style kitchen, and a half empty wine bottle sat beside it. She was dressed in an old Salem PD t-shirt that barely covered her ass. Roman could imagine the panties she wore underneath, and closed his eyes to ground himself. He looked away quickly, noting the television in the background. She was usually cleaner than this. “What’s going on here Taylor?”

“Well, you see… you dumped me again… and then I got sick. You suck, by the way.” She turned around and walked back to her couch, falling into it. She reached for the tissue box that was laying beside her. She felt absolutely awful, and she had for days. “The only joy I get in my life right now is knowing you’ll probably get sick too.”

“Why would I get sick?” he asked her.

“That little kissing session we had in your backyard while your wife was upstairs recuperating?” She tried to smile, but everything hurt so it came out more like a grimace. “I hate you also. Don’t forget that part.” Roman gave her a smile that told her he knew she was lying. She didn’t hate him. 

“Why did you call me over here?” He wanted to leave. Seeing Taylor this miserable was doing things to him that made him uncomfortable. It was tapping into emotions that he was working harder and harder to deny. He didn’t love her. He was not in love with her.

“I wanted to tell you goodbye… face to face. Seemed better than sneaking off, you know. Although believe me, I thought about it. You wouldn’t even notice, probably.” Taking a tissue from the box, she blew her nose. “Working overnight shifts is not helping me get over you. I sneak into your office just to smell your jacket. Fucking pitiful, you know?”

His chest ached as he imagined her doing that. He’d made a royal mess of his life, which meant he’d also made a fucked up mess of hers. Taylor leaving would be the best thing for him, but looking at her, it was obvious that’s not what she wanted. But what she wanted was impossible, because she wanted him. “Taylor, I’ve told you–”

“ –shut up, Brady.” Taylor leaned over, tossing her used tissue in the trashcan next to her. She knew she was a mess, and honestly, she didn’t even care. She was angry, and she was done with Roman’s bullshit excuses. He loved her. He just hadn’t figured it out. Maybe her leaving would force him to acknowledge it, because she was leaving. “I don’t need your rehearsed excuses anymore. I just wanted to let you know, because unlike you, I’m not a fucking coward who refuses to face how I really feel.”

“I’ve told you how I feel,” he said softly.

She smirked at him, standing up. She was sick, and miserable, she wobbled on her feet, but even still she knew she was sexy as hell. It was odd, because at no point in her life had she ever felt sexy, until Roman Brady pushed her against the wall in a dingy hotel during a routine investigation. She didn’t know Kimberly Brady, but she could thank her for the months she’d had with him. She reached out, smoothing her palm over his warm, flannel covered chest. “I love you,” she whispered. “And I refuse to leave this town without telling you goodbye.”

“When?” he asked roughly. The ache in his chest was growing. Why did it hurt so much? “When are you leaving?”

“In a few weeks,” she said, watching the path of her fingers glide up his neck. “But I think it’s best we don’t see each other anymore. I’ll continue to work over night shifts, although Bo is bitching about it, and you can continue to… avoid me however possible. You’re good at that. You’ll figure it out.” A cough shook her, and she covered her mouth, turning away from him.

“So, you’re really sick, huh?” he asked her.

“I think the fact that I have a fucking cold is obvious, Brady,” she said feeling defeated. It was hard to seduce a man when you sounded stuffed up, you had rings under your eyes, and you haven’t combed your hair in two days. Her shoulders drooped, and she allowed her hand to drop away from him. “Yeah, I’m sick. I hope you get it.”

Roman reached up, cupping her cheek gently. She was so real, fucking harsh sometimes, but for some reason, it was exactly what he needed. He brushed his thumb over her skin. “Go sit on the couch, McCall. I’ll clean up. You’re kind of pitiful right now.”

“I didn’t call you over here to feel sorry for me,” she mumbled.

“Shut the hell up, woman, and take the help I’m offering,” he barked.

Taylor smiled, and turned to walk back towards the couch as she grumbled, “Yes, sir. So fucking bossy.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Please, baby, can’t you see

I’m trying to explain

I’ve been here before and I’m locking the door

And I’m not going back again

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The wind coming up off of the river was bitterly cold. Marlena reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a soft, handknitted pink beanie and a pair of gloves. Caroline had knitted them for her as a gift the previous year. She and Roman had just come back from Mexico and every interaction Marlena had with him had been awkward and stunted as they learned each other all over again. She remembered thinking often how much harder it was with Roman than it had been with John, but it had been hard with Roman when she first met him as well. Their coming together hadn’t been natural. She doubted they would have come together at all if it weren’t for the extenuating circumstances involved. When she’d first met Roman she’d been through the trauma of five lifetimes, and she wasn’t even thirty. Falling into a relationship with Roman had been easier than she would have thought. He wanted to control everything, and she wanted to let go. That worked for a while. By the time the twins were born, she was coming back to herself. She was arguing with him more, disagreeing with his demands. By the time he left to search for Bo, she had begged him not to go. He went anyway. 

“Roman, don’t go,” she pleaded softly. “You promised you wouldn’t get involved in this.”

“I have to go,” he whispered. “For Bo. It’s my fault that he was on that plane–”

“ –then you can send Abe,” she said, feeling the panic rise up inside her.

“No. I can’t send Abe.” His hands cupped her face, “Now, I have a feeling that that plane is not sitting on the bottom of the Atlantic, and I have to find Bo.”

She felt the hot tears streaming down her face. He was going to leave them. The twins weren’t even a full three weeks old, and he was going to leave them. “I don’t want you to go,” she sobbed. “I’m afraid something will happen to you.

“I’ll be alright, he said, holding her close to him. “Don’t you worry. I’m only going to be gone for a day or two.”

“You promise you’ll come back?” she asked with a tear choked voice. 

“I promise, I’ll come back,” he whispered.

John watched her, transfixed as she slid her hands into the warm gloves, and then settled the beanie on her head. She was absolutely adorable. Her hair curled around the edges, and she stared up at him with wide hazel eyes. The afternoon sun lit her up like an angel. 

She tipped her head slightly, and smiled at him, “What?”

“Nothing, Doc,” he said softly. “I was just thinking about how cute you look all bundled up.”

“Cute, huh?” She turned to face the water, and closed her eyes feeling the heat of the afternoon sun on her face. The lapping of water against the piling and the sounds of buoys off in the distance filled her senses. Pier 29 brought her so much peace, and that was because of what it had come to mean to her and John. She glanced over at him, “Aren’t you cold?”

“I don’t really feel the temperature too much,” he said with a shrug. “I mean if it’s absolutely frigid I might, but generally speaking I regulate my temperature pretty well.”

Marlena shivered, “I love it down here, but I rarely get a chance to come. I’m so busy with work, and the house… Eric and Sami.”

John stepped behind her, pulling her back against him, and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders rubbing his palms briskly over Marlena’s shoulders. “It’s okay to slow down every once in a while and take some time for yourself,” he said softly.

“Logically, I know that,” she laughed. “But life has a way of getting away from you, you know?”

He knew better than most. Her head fell back against his shoulder, and he felt the tension start to leave her. He hugged her tightly, and stared at the water for a moment before saying, “I’m sorry I got angry at the pub. That was out of line.”

“It’s understandable,” she replied. She was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. John had every right to be angry. “I was serious the other day, when I said we’d all moved on as if nothing happened. That was unrealistic. Roman still refuses to discuss the past, and yet he holds so much anger towards you… and towards me. I’ve been thinking about it more and more often recently.”

“About what exactly?” he asked her.

Marlena stepped out of the embrace of his arms, just as a strong breeze blew up off of the river. Turning to face him, she whispered, “About the differences between you and Roman. It’s more than just your face, John–”

He immediately wanted to change the direction of the conversation. “ –Doc, we don’t have to talk about this right now–”

“ –then when? When, John? Roman won’t talk about it, and… and I’m so confused. Everyday, I find myself more confused by the simplest things. Things that should have been so obvious. You… you’re slightly taller than Roman, and your hair. I shouldn’t be thinking about the way it feels under my fingers, but it’s different. It’s silkier, it–it slides through my fingers. It’s all so glaringly different.” She stepped closer to the edge of the pier, and then looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “I was so in love with you, and so scared that you might be Stefano… that when I found those photos of you on the mountainside… I didn’t question it. I didn’t allow myself to question it. You being Roman… it was the perfect solution – so I–I think I pushed away any doubts I might have had, and I… I just accepted it.” She looked down, feeling ashamed because of what she was admitting.

“Hey,” he said softly, tipping her chin so that she would look up at him. “I wanted to believe it just as badly as you did. Being Stefano would have meant that I’d killed Roman. It would have meant that I took him from his family, and his children… it would have meant that I couldn’t love you, and oh, Marlena… I loved you. Being Roman made me a hero, and being Stefano would have made me a villain. I wanted to deserve your love, and so… it was easy for me to believe. I had enough of Roman’s memories to tell myself it couldn’t be a coincidence. I accepted it… and I had doubts too, but I also… well, I also had you.”

“So, we believed,” she said softly. “We believed it, and we didn’t question it… but I think I knew. Subconsciously, I knew. And I–I feel so guilty for that, because while I was so happy and in love with you, Roman was suffering. He was suffering everyday.” She started to cry softly, feeling herself become overwhelmed with emotion, because she’d never admitted any of this to herself before.

His hand cupped her cheek, and his thumb brushed the tears that had started to fall from her eyes. “We couldn’t have known that.”

“There were clues,” she whispered. Her hand reached out, sliding up his chest gently. “Your body was different…” she said. Her fingers brushed over his mouth, “… and the taste of your mouth.”

John closed his eyes. The conversation was turning intimate, as was her touch, but then how else was Marlena supposed to process? There was a part of him, after they returned from Mexico, that doubted her love for him. While they had been together it had felt real. The realest emotion he had ever felt, or at least he could ever remember feeling. Finding out that he wasn’t Roman had destroyed something inside him. It was more than finding out that he wasn’t Roman Brady, it was the idea that everything in his life had been false – the affection he’d felt from his sisters, from Bo, the love of his parents, the joy he had with his children, and ultimately, the love Marlena felt for him. He was left feeling as if he were a fraud, and none of it had been genuine. All of that love was intended for someone else, and certainly not for him. 

Marlena telling him she should have known only made the pain worse. She was telling him his worst fear. He suddenly understood why Hailey didn’t want his apology. She wanted to keep her memories sacred, and she had that right. So did he, even though he knew they were lies. “Doc,” he said quickly. “Don’t. Please. I–I know… I know that finding out I wasn’t Roman was a shock, and I know that it’s left you confused. You loved him. You still love him. Roman needs to understand what you and I had… well, it’s a classic case of transference. Right? The love you had for me was his love. It was your love for him–”

“ –you’re wrong,” she told him. “John, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m not saying that at all. What I’m saying is that… I loved you more. I loved you more, and that–that scares me to admit. I never have before.”

“What?”

“I loved you more… I loved you differently,” she whispered. She smiled softly. “When we were married, I used to worry that you would figure it out.”

He was confused. “Figure what out?”

“That I loved you more than I ever had before. That I loved the new version of you more than I had ever loved the old version.” She stepped closer, whispering, “The guilt that came with that was almost debilitating sometimes. How could I love the version of you that had no memory of me, or the family we’d built… How could I love him more? But I did! You were more affectionate, you were more involved, you supported me professionally, you were an active father… I loved that Roman more than I had ever loved the original, and I felt so much guilt for that. I asked you to give up the ISA, and you didn’t fight me on it. You did it–”

“ –because I would have done anything for you,” he whispered.

“I had a genuine fear that you would realize my love for you had changed, and be hurt by it. But when we learned the truth in Mexico, I was overwhelmed. I realized, I’d loved you more, because you were someone else completely. I struggled to come to terms with that… I had hoped to speak with you about it, but, well, that never happened, and I had Roman… my husband, waiting for me… with so many expectations. It seemed so simple to him. The truth was out. Roman assumed that my love for you had been his the whole time, and therefore shifting my affection to him should be easy. It wasn’t easy, because my love for you had been its own.”

She was quiet for a long time, and John watched her as her mind tried to formulate her next words. She was right. Roman had assumed that her feelings were malleable, but John had as well. He’d learned that he wasn’t Roman, and after hours of pondering, he had come to the same conclusion. Marlena couldn’t love him. She didn’t love him, because that love had been for Roman. What she was telling him was that he’d been wrong. She had loved him. Separately and independent of her love for Roman.

“I should have asked you,” he whispered. “I did the same thing Roman did. I assumed that everything you’d felt for me… I was the imposter. I was the one who had tricked–”

“No,” she said softly, cupping his face in her knitted gloves. “No, John. What I felt for you, that was real. That was genuine. I need you to know that. Never doubt it. The love we shared was the deepest love. The purest love, and in Mexico, I was so lost and confused. Roman had been kidnapped and tortured for years. He hadn’t willingly left us behind, and I felt… he deserved a chance at the life that was stolen from him–”

John rubbed his hands over his face roughly.  “ –and Isabella was–”

“ –Isabella was pregnant with your child. A child created from the love you felt for her. The love that had kept you from choosing me.” Tears flowed from her eyes as she thought about it. 

“Doc,” he started to say.

“I’d been home for months,” she said. “You hadn’t chosen me. You’d been trapped in a web created by Stefano. Roman’s return made the choice easy for you. Roman’s pain made my choice impossible, but knowing how much you loved Isabella and how torn you were… I decided to give Roman his chance.”

John was quiet for several beats before he asked her, “And if Isabella wasn’t pregnant?”

“I can’t think like that,” she said quickly. She turned away from him. “She was pregnant. A child was coming into the world. Your child, and I would never fight for you and take you away from the family you could have with her. She was having your baby, and Roman needed someone to support him while he rebuilt his life.” She gave a heavy sigh, and then said, “But ultimately, you made my final decision.”

“Me?” he asked her, feeling slightly confused.

“That morning after,” she told him, glancing at him for a moment. “When you came back to the professor’s home. Isabella held your hand so tightly, and she had this glow of happiness about her. I knew–I knew that you’d made love to her. You’d made your choice, and I had to make mine. Roman would get his chance.”

John felt his chest constrict. They’d never discussed that morning. He hadn’t known that she’d read that much into the interaction, but thinking back he realized it must have been obvious. Isabella had been so happy, and he could still feel the pressure of her fingers as she held his hand. “I dreamt about it recently.” He glanced down at the splashing water of the river, “And in my dream… well, it doesn’t matter I guess.”

“You dreamt about it?” she asked, staring up at him. “That morning in Mexico?”

John glanced down at her, “I did, and I… it left me feeling lost… confused. I woke up thinking a lot about Mexico, and I… well, I guess you were right. We all came home and moved on, but there was a lot that we didn’t tackle because of it. I didn’t want to hurt Isabella, and you didn’t want to hurt Roman.”

She smiled wanly, wiping her tears with the back of her gloved hand. John reached for her hand and started to pull her towards the stairs. It was protected from the wind, and people wouldn’t see them straight away. John felt like they needed privacy, even though they were already alone. He didn’t want Marlena’s emotions on display if someone were to walk by. He wanted privacy for her, but he also wanted to hold her, to comfort her.

“Don’t cry, Doc.” He reached for her beanie, pulling it lower over her ears. “Don’t cry, baby.”

“I have so much… so many feelings that are confusing…” She was quiet for a moment, and then touched his jaw gently. She needed to be sure he knew how much he had meant to her. “I just want you to know that the love I felt for you was yours, and yours alone. It wasn’t because of Roman. I was already in love with you when I chose to go on the run with you. I was in love with you when I traipsed around the woods of West Virginia with you.”

John’s large palms cupped her face, and he leaned in resting his forehead against hers gently. Their breath mingled, and he felt the heat of it on his lips. He was falling in love with her again, and that was a complication he hadn’t planned on.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Her eyes and arms and skin won’t make it go away

You’ll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow

That holds you down today

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone

Go on, believe her when she tells you nothing’s wrong

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman finished the last of the dishes in Taylors kitchen sink, and he glanced over to see her asleep on the couch. She was planning to leave Salem, and that left him feeling raw, even vulnerable. He never handled vulnerability well. He usually covered it with humor, overt masculinity, or anger. He felt his muscles trembling inside, and he dried his hands on the towel that had been handing near the stove. Walking towards her, he paused when she whispered his name, and then whined softly. He stood frozen as a tear escaped the corner of her eye. He’d never felt lower. She loved him, and all he’d done was use her, and deny her.

Kneeling down, he brushed his fingers over her cheek, and then wiped her tear away. Taylor’s eyes fluttered open, and she blinked a few times. “I forgot you were here,” she whispered.

“I was getting ready to head out,” he replied. “I cleaned up for you. I put some cans of chicken soup on the kitchen counter with a package of crackers I found. Are you drinking water?”

“I can’t remember.” She struggled to sit up, and then gripped her head. The pain was throbbing, and sharp. “Shit. This headache.”

Roman stood up, and went back into her kitchen coming back out with a large glass of water. Handing it to her, he ordered, “Drink.”

Taylor raised her eyebrow at his bossiness, but then took the water from him. She drank the whole thing, and then laid back down.

“No,” Roman told her, turning off her television set. “You’re not sleeping on your couch. C’mon, McCall. Bedroom. Now.”

“I never thought you would ask,” she said in a snarky tone.

Roman paused, and then he couldn’t hold back his bark of laughter. Taylor was the kind of girl he’d grown up with. The kind of woman who didn’t take bullshit, and didn’t offer bullshit. She was beautiful, but not in a pretentious type of way. Anna and Marlena were both women who were classy, but they would never truly understand him. He stared at Taylor for a moment, worried about his train of thought. It was the first time he’d found himself consciously doubting his match with Marlena. He stared at Taylor wondering if maybe, his perfect match laid elsewhere. 

He held his hand out to her, as she mumbled, “I’m not fucking helpless. I’m sick.”

He laughed again, “Get up, woman, and quit complaining.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But I’m the only one

Who’ll walk across the fire for you

And I’m the only one

Who’ll drown in my desire for you

It’s only fear that makes you run

The demons that you’re hiding from

When all your promises are gone

I’m the only one

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s breath shuddered in her chest, and then she pulled back slightly, staring up at John. His blue eyes stared down at her with an intensity that had her experiencing emotions she hadn’t felt since they’d parted ways in Mexico. It was scary, but she didn’t want it to end. Her hand landed on his arm gently, almost as a way to ground herself in the moment. 

He took a deep breath, whispering, “Doc…” She didn’t stop him when he slowly started unbuttoning her coat. He needed to feel her against him, just the heat of her. Nothing else. He just needed the comfort of having her close, and she needed it too. He could see it in the way her eyes widened slightly, or the way her small gasp left her with parted lips. The rational part of his brain was screaming at him to stop, but his emotional center, and her physical reaction were enough to keep going. As his fingers pulled the last button loose, Marlena reached for the zipper on his leather jacket, sliding it down slowly. He parted her coat, and then they stepped together without another word. 

John’s hand slid inside her coat, and up underneath the hem of her sweater to lay flat against the soft cotton shirt she wore underneath. He released a soft moan when her hands wrapped around his waist, and her soft cheek rested on his chest. Marlena said quietly, “I shouldn’t be letting you hold me like this.”

“It’s just a hug,” he replied, resting his face on the top of her head.

But it was more than an embrace and they both knew it. After her emotional confession, she couldn’t deny that having him close was a comfort to her. She sighed when she felt John’s gentle kiss on her hair, and she closed her eyes when one of his hands moved higher along her back, underneath her sweater. Softly, barely above the sound of the wind and the river, she said, “Closer. Hold me closer.”

His arms wrapped around her, holding her body solidly against his. She was warm, and her soft curves fit against him so perfectly.

Lifting her head, she stared up at him for a moment. She couldn’t stop herself from staring at his mouth. Those lips on hers created a magic she craved in the night. She would sometimes wake with the taste of him still on her skin, and that was impossible. The mind was a thing she had tried to understand for all of her adult life, and still… to taste him as she lay next to Roman, that was an illusion she would never fully comprehend. She pushed her palms higher on John’s back, and then she rubbed her cheek against his warm flannel covered chest. It felt too good. 

She wanted more. Scared of her emotions, she dropped her arms, intending to step back. She needed space, because she was craving his mouth on hers. She was craving the feeling of his hands on her bare skin, and it was wrong.

John’s rough voice begged her, “Don’t. Doc, please. I just need… I need this so badly.”

So she stayed. She stayed locked in his arms, feeling his gentle fingers dance over her skin. It was torture, and it was bliss, and it was everything she wanted, and everything she wasn’t allowed to have. Needing something to ground her, and keep her mind from straying to places that were dangerous, she asked him quietly, “How is Brady doing?”

John was momentarily confused. “Brady?”

Marlena laughed softly, rubbing her cheek against him. He smelled amazing, like a combination of cedar and musk. Underneath that she could smell the soft scent of his soap. It was the same one he’d been using for years. “His teeth?” she asked.

John smiled against the softness of her hair. He could stay like that forever. “He cut two teeth in the past week, Doc. You were right again.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone

Go on believe her when she tells you nothing’s wrong

But I’m the only one

Who’ll walk across the fire for you

And I’m the only one

Who’ll drown in my desire for you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman hated himself more everyday, and that was why when Marlena came through the front door an hour after him without the children, he took it out on her. “Where the hell have you been?”

She was completely caught off guard. The contented happiness she’d been feeling all the way home dissipated in an instant, only to be replaced by the anxiety she had lived with for the past year. It was a revelation that she would spend her evening considering. “I–I was finishing my lunch at the pub, and then… well, I ran into John and we went for a walk–”

“I heard,” Roman replied sourly. “I ran into Rebecca down at the station. She mentioned seeing you on the pier.”

Marlena was quiet for a moment. “She did?” It was obvious that Rebecca was being manipulative in more ways than one. While trying to get Marlena to divulge the secret of catching John, she was also single handedly trying to create chaos in Marlena’s marriage to Roman. As much as Marlena wanted to say, she kept it to herself. She had encountered women like Rebecca before, and she would handle it herself.

“Yeah,” Roman said, studying his wife to see if she had a reaction to what he was saying. “It was pretty cold today. I can’t imagine that walking on the pier was very comfortable.”

“I had my hat and gloves,” she replied casually. She was not going to allow Roman to pull her into an argument when he was so obviously searching for one.

“And I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me where my kids are?” he asked her rudely. “You know, Doc, all the complaining you do about me being home and spending time as a family, you would think–”

“Sami and Eric are with Kayla and Steve.” She closed the closet where she had just hung her coat, and she looked at her husband with hard eyes. “I told you about their plans a week ago. They’ll bring the twins home after dinner. They’re leaving tomorrow, and they might not see the twins for awhile. They wanted them to have some time with Stephanie.”

He couldn’t win. He stared at his wife in anger. Recently, he’d been feeling like all she did was point out his flaws, or failings. “I forgot,” he grumbled.

Marlena sighed softly, approaching Roman. “John is struggling with losing Isabella,” she told him. “He needed someone to talk to. I was being a friend.” She felt guilty lying to Roman, but there was no way to explain to him how her afternoon had really gone. Not without upsetting him, and Roman refused to discuss the past. She needed closure, and she needed to focus on her marriage to Roman. She truly believed she wouldn’t be able to move forward if she didn’t reconcile her past with John. Reaching out to touch Roman’s face, she asked, “Are you okay? You’ve been on edge lately.”

Roman pulled away from her, and hated himself even more when hurt registered in her eyes. “I’m fine, Doc. I’ve got a lot going on at work with this Giamberti case, and I’ll tell you what… I want Carrie to stay away from that Austin Reed character.”

Marlena’s eyes widened in surprise, “What? Why?”

“I can’t talk about it. You know that,” he said quickly. He shouldn’t have said anything, and he was silently cursing himself for it. His afternoon with Taylor had him confused, and he liked to think he was a clear thinking type of fellow. Taylor McCall had him all twisted up inside. He rubbed his hands over his face in frustration, and almost groaned when her scent hit him. Glancing down at his hands he realized that after burying his fingers in Taylor’s body and making her come, he hadn’t washed his hands. He wanted to shove his hand to his nose and breathe deeply. Instead, guilt laid over him like a weighted blanket.

Marlena watched him curiously, “But you mentioned it–”

“ –shit, Doc! Let it go!” he roared in overwhelmed frustration. “I said, I can’t talk about it. I shouldn’t have even said what I said.”

For the first time in a year, Marlena thought to herself that she couldn’t continue to live the way they were. The constant arguments and the misunderstandings. She was losing weight, her sleep was disrupted nightly, and as much as she wanted to blame it on perimenopause, she knew it was the stress of her situation. Her conversation with John had brought her some peace, but that was all but destroyed as she watched Roman storm out of the room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s only fear that makes you run

The demons that you’re hiding from

When all your promises are gone

I’m the only one

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Roman woke up in the middle of the night. Marlena was talking in her sleep again. Most of the time he was able to sleep through it, but her soft seductive voice was whispering his name, and her body was writhing on the bed. He could feel himself start to respond. How could he not? She was beautiful, all soft curves and sweet scent. How many times had he made love to her after watching her in the throes of an erotic dream?

“Long day at work, baby?” Roman asked, watching Marlena as she dropped her briefcase by the front door.

She smiled at him warmly, walking over to kiss his cheek. “Something like that.”

“The kids are with Ma and Pop tonight,” he whispered, rubbing the tip of his nose along the column of her neck.

She sighed. All she’d wanted for the last hour was to shed the armor of control she wore all day and allow herself to let Roman. She wanted to be taken care of.

“I made us dinner,” he said softly. “And I was thinking that after dinner, I could run you a bubble bath.”

“Oh, Roman, that sounds heavenly.” She reached up, threading her hands into his inky hair, and then she stared up at him. His deep blue eyes were watching her so intently. She needed to give up control, and Roman… he craved control. He was so different since his return. She told herself it was the amnesia, but sometimes she wondered if it wasn’t more than that. Pushing the thoughts away, she leaned closer, “The tub is large enough for you to bathe with me.”

“Food first,” he said roughly.

“Roman,” she pleaded softly, trailing her fingers over his chest. “Roman, I need you now.”

“Marlena…” he groaned. “G-d, Doc… you have to eat dinner.”

“Later,” she whispered. “Right now, I need you. I need your hands on me. I need your words. I need–”

“ –you need to let go,” he said softly, leaning forward to bite at her ear. “You need me to take charge, and make your body sing.”

“Yes,” she breathed. “Oh, G-d, yes. Roman!”

Roman watched his wife with wary eyes. She was calling his name, but the way her body moved, the desperation in her movements, she wasn’t calling for him. She was calling for John. In all their time together Marlena had never called his name like that. He remembered being forced to watch videos of her making love to John. Stefano had him strapped down. His head was tethered to a headrest, and if he closed his eyes, Dr. Rolf laughed as his eyelids were held open with an eye speculum. He’d watched his wife fucked by John Black in every way imaginable, and he wasn’t a fool. She wasn’t dreaming about him at that moment. She was dreaming of John, and he hated her for it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yeah, yeah

And I’m the only one

Who’ll drown in my desire for you

It’s only fear that makes you run

The demons that you’re hiding from

When all your promises are gone

I’m the only one

I’m the only one

I’m the only one

Ain’t nobody else is gonna love you

Nobody else is gonna love you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: I’m the Only One – Melissa Etheridge

Chapter 24 – Just a Cup of Coffee

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It’s just a cup of coffee

He’s only passin’ through

There is nothin’ more between us

Than a memory or two

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena stared at her reflection in the mirror, and adjusted her sweater. It was a soft beige cashmere cardigan that held a million memories. John had given her the sweater. It was one of the items she’d found in a box at the back of his closet when she’d first returned to Salem. She’d tried not to read too much into it initially. Sure, he’d saved some things, probably so Sami could have them. But that seemed wrong, because he’d saved her old, pink robe. There hadn’t been any value in that, except that she’d worn it nearly every night they were married. It was worn, with snags in the fabric. Certainly not worth saving. Marlena could imagine John in the quiet at the back of the closet, holding the silky fabric between his fingers. Did he miss her that much? Had her death affected him so deeply he couldn’t part with it? She thought about her first night back in their home.

She opened the bedroom door, intent on going downstairs for a cup of tea. Stepping into the hallway, she stopped short watching Roman pull his t-shirt over his head just before he started to step inside the guest bedroom. He was beautiful, and often people considered men handsome, but Roman was absolutely beautiful. Marlena was struck again by how differently she remembered his body. Softly, she said, “Oh… hi…”

“Hi,” he whispered, turning around. He held his t-shirt in his hand limply as he stared at her. His eyes scanned over her as if he would memorize every line of her body.

Marlena’s hand fluttered to her chest, “I found my old robe in–in a box in the back of the closet.” He took her breath away. Her eyes roamed over his bare chest, and she felt her lungs constrict. Five years she’d been gone, but it felt like nothing. Her last memories were of her falling asleep with her cheek pressed against his warm skin, and their bare legs tangled together. 

“Yeah, I, uh…” He stared at her as if he couldn’t find his words. His eyes wandered over her, and his lips parted. He seemed nervous, and Marlena found it endearing. He leaned against the doorframe, propping himself up on his hand, as he leaned in slightly. “I forgot to, uh, have Goodwill come and pick that up I guess.”

She had a feeling it was intentional. The items in the box seemed to hold sentimental value. Her wedding dress, a beige cashmere cardigan he’d gotten for her as a gift when they were married, a white bandana that she’d used to hold her hair in place when they were driving in a convertible on their honeymoon, a white, black, and yellow sweater she used to wear all of the time, a cotton nightgown with lace and cap sleeves, and the robe she was wearing. A pink, satin robe with snags along the seam. None of it held any value to him other than memories. 

She smiled at him, “Lucky for me.”

He gave her a crooked grin, that had her blushing slightly. His eyes went serious as he continued to stare at her in awe. She knew he was still in shock about her return. She was in shock when she realised how long she’d been gone.  There was no way to prepare for a dead spouse coming back into your life, alive and well.

“Are you okay?” she whispered. She worried about him. He’d been so quiet since they arrived at the house.

“Okay?” he asked in confusion.

“The way you’re looking at me,” she said softly.

She watched his eyes close, and then his eyes opened and looked at her with such longing. “I’m sorry, Doc, it’s just so… weird. I see you in that robe… it’s just like…” He was obviously struggling for words, and the way his eyes roamed over her in reverence was disconcerting. It made her want him even more. “… the good ole days.”

She breathed softly, “It’s like yesterday.” She couldn’t stop herself from running her fingers down the arm he was leaning on. She craved his touch, and he had been keeping her at arms length ever since their kiss on the pier. She knew why, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. 

Roman nodded his head slowly, and she saw the tears start to well up in his eyes. He was so confused. Reaching out she wiped them from his face.

She whispered, “Roman, it is yesterday for me.”

The fingers of his hand reached out, lifting a section of her hair slowly as he stared at it. It slipped through his fingers, and Marlena shivered, feeling the heat of his fingers so close to her neck. She tipped her face towards his hand, desperate for his touch. Her blood thundered in her ears, and she sighed gently. His fingertip traced over her skin, and his eyes closed. He was fighting it.

Softly, he said, “Good night, Doc.”

Marlena glanced at the clock beside her. It was 11:45. She was supposed to meet John at the diner on Elm at noon. She needed to get going. Afterwards, she could pick up Sami and Eric. There was no need for them to speed the weekend with Shawn and Caroline if she and Roman were home. The time she had with them was precious.

Glancing at herself in the mirror one last time, she whispered, “It’s just a cup of coffee. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I know what you’re thinkin’

But this time I’m tellin’ you

It’s just a cup of coffee

He’s only passin’ through

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John sighed, sliding into the booth across from Marlena. She was supposed to be out of town with Roman, so he’d been surprised when she’d called him that morning asking to meet for coffee. She hadn’t bothered to explain why, and he hadn’t asked, because they both knew the answer. As disappointed as she was that Roman had cancelled their trip, John was grateful to have her sitting across from him. He was grateful to have any amount of time with her, in whatever capacity that was. He recognized the sweater immediately, and thought about how beautiful she was. The beige color set off her creamy skin in such a way that he had to forcefully hold himself back from reaching for her.

Her gentle smile made his heart skip. “Hey, Doc.”

“Thank you for meeting me.” She settled her purse beside her carefully, already feeling awkward. She shouldn’t have invited him here. She could have met him at the pub. This diner was out of the way, and she knew they weren’t likely to be spotted by anyone they knew. She had asked herself repeatedly why she’d picked this place, but she knew. She was fooling herself to try and pretend she didn’t. After Rebecca told Roman she’d seen Marlena and John at the pier, Marlena felt like they needed to meet somewhere else. “I was wondering if you’d had a chance to speak with Carrie?”

A server arrived with two coffees, and John thanked them, waiting until they left to respond. “I spoke with her yesterday,” he said slowly.

“And?” she asked. She reached for the sugar, placing a little in the mug before stirring it around.

John watched her for a moment. She still put in such a small amount of sugar, he wasn’t sure how she even tasted it. He leaned back. “You were right, Doc. She’s covering for Billie.” He took a sip of his black coffee.

“Of course, it’s Billie,” she said softly, opening a small creamer pod. She poured it in, and stirred some more, and then lifted her eyes and watched him for a moment before she said, “Carrie was so protective of Billie on Christmas when I found out Billie was taking drugs.” She sipped slowly, and then lowered her mug to hold it in both of her hands and warm them. “Why would she do that? Why would she risk making us unhappy to protect Billie? She’s trouble. I want her to move out, and away from Carrie.”

“I think that’s too much,” John replied softly. “Think about it. Carrie is independent, and she’s loyal. We have to trust that we’ve instilled enough of the right values in her that she’s going to do the right thing here. I’m hoping that Carrie has learned her lesson on this one. She trusted Billie, and Billie stole from me. Carrie hasn’t admitted it yet, but I saw it in her eyes. She knows.”

Marlena sipped her coffee. “I hope so.”

“At least we don’t have to worry about her doing drugs,” John said. “You know in this day and age that’s something to be very grateful for.”

“And, all in all, she’s a very good girl,” Marlena said with a smile.

John chuckled, thinking about how odd their lives had been. The fact that Carrie had turned out so normal was surprising. He said in a teasing tone, “So, we must have done something right.” John got very quiet, realizing that Marlena was watching him with soft eyes. Anytime they talked about their past it was full stop. A moment, a few seconds, a short period of time, where they both stared at each other with understanding, and an awkward pause. “I mean–”

“ –I know what you mean,” she told him softly. “We both had a hand in raising her, you know.” John’s features slowly changed from apprehension to a gentle smile, as she told him, “We can’t ignore that.”

He continued to watch her. Marlena was the one to look away first. A sharp, short breath, and then she was leaning forward to place her mug on the table in front of her. John’s eyes followed her the whole time. Things were changing between them. Not just on his side, because he knew his emotions were changing, but something was changing with Marlena too. He could feel it so intensely. He couldn’t hold back his impulse when he reached for her hand across the table. She was acting as if nothing was wrong, but in truth everything felt wrong. “Doc, are you okay?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m meetin’ him at midnight

At the old highway cafe

I’ll be home in an hour

Don’t look at me that way

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman was surprised to see Kim at the hospital walking with Alice Horton. They hadn’t spoken much since she’d asked Marlena to help her bring out Lacey. He knew he was to blame for that. He was frustrated, because he felt like everyone in Marlena’s life was pulling her away from what her ultimate focus should be – the house, their children, and their marriage, and he was taking it out on his sister. “Hey, Kimmy,” he said.

“Oh, Roman!” she said with a smile. She was surprised to see him there. “I thought you and Marlena were going out of town this weekend.”

Roman paused for a moment, recalling the sadness on Marlena’s face when he had abruptly cancelled that morning. “I can’t. A big lead came up on the Giamberti case and so I–”

Kim cut him off, asking, “ – you cancelled? Abe or Bo couldn’t handle that?”

Roman stared at her blankly for a second before saying, “It’s my case.”

“I understand that,” she said. “But there are other people who work with you, and Marlena made the plans weeks ago.”

“Marlena is fine,” he replied quickly. “She understands. Did you just finish a session with her?”

Kim’s eyes widened, and she laughed. “Roman! It’s Saturday. Marlena doesn’t work on the weekends.”

“Not even for you?” he asked with a laugh.

“Not even for me,” she chuckled. She wasn’t going to add that the last thing Marlena would do after Roman cancelling their plans would be to start making appointments. 

“Well, shit,” he mumbled. “I called the house and she wasn’t there. She’s not at the pub… I just assumed.”

“She probably took the twins somewhere,” Kim said lightly. 

Roman’s forehead wrinkled in confusion, “The kids are with Ma.”

“Yeah, but if you cancelled your plans, Roman, Marlena probably picked them up. It would make sense. She lost a lot of time with them, and she wants to make up for that time.”

“She told you that?” he asked.

Kim couldn’t figure out if her brother was oblivious or being intentionally obtuse. “Roman, five years is a long time. They were still toddlers when she disappeared. All they knew for their most formative years was John.”

He was angry immediately. “Well, I’m back now, and I’m the one who lost seven years with my family.”

Kim’s eyes narrowed, and she felt her body tremble inside. Words fell from her lips that were tinged with the faintest English accent, as she leaned forward and hissed, “And yet, all you do is work. That’s a fine way to make up for lost time.”

Roman stepped back as if he had been slapped. It was Claire. But as fast as she’d appeared, she was gone. Kim shook her head, feeling as if she suddenly felt woozy in her head. She reached for Roman’s arm to steady herself. With a smile and a short uncomfortable laugh, she said, “That was odd. I just got dizzy for a moment.”

Trying to change the subject, Roman said, “I wanted to stop by Doc’s office, and invite her out for a surprise dinner tonight. I know that cancelling our plans was abrupt, and I wanted to make it up to her… but since she’s not here, I’ll guess I’ll head back to the station.”

Kim was still confused by what had just happened, but she smiled up at him. “I’ll ride in the elevator with you. I’m meeting Phillip at home.” They walked towards the lift together, and Kim said, “I know you’ve had your reservations about Marlena treating me, but she’s already helped me.”

He was still nervous about seeing Claire, so he replied, “Well then. I’m glad I was wrong.”

“I just wish there was something I could do for her,” she said softly.

Roman asked his sister, “What do you mean?”

Kim was again struck by Roman’s ignorance. “You know all the things that she’s been going through. Coming back to Salem, getting adjusted again, the stress she’s had about bonding with the twins, and then her accident–”

“ –oh, you don’t have to worry about Marlena,” he said. “She’s doing just great.”

Kim followed her brother into the elevator, but she wasn’t so sure that he had it right. He seemed confident that Marlena was doing fine, but Kim felt a sadness around Marlena that she couldn’t explain. She wasn’t doing fine.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There is nothin’ more between us

Than a memory or two

It’s just a cup of coffee

He’s only passin’ through

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The way John was studying her, she knew he was picking up on her emotions. They’d always had that ability with each other. She couldn’t lie to him. “I’m a little disappointed,” she said. “Roman and I had been planning this weekend for weeks. To cancel this morning… well, it was abrupt.”

Abrupt? It was downright cruel. John wanted to go find him and punch his smug face himself, but it wouldn’t solve anything, and it would only provide Roman with the evidence he needed to say that John was unpredictable and violent. 

“I spent a significant portion of my morning on the phone with the Green Mountain Lodge trying to get my deposit back,” she said.

“Were you able to?”

She sighed in frustration, “Only half of it.”

“Shit. I’m sorry, Doc” John muttered. “Roman shouldn’t have done that.

She tried to smile, “Diving in isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.”

His finger slipped under the edge of her sweater cuff, and he felt her jewelry underneath. Slipping the soft knit up, he smiled to realize it was the charm bracelet he’d given her when he’d stopped by Christmas evening. Roman had been upstairs in the shower, and the twins were in their rooms. He’d stood awkwardly in her doorway feeling like he was intruding on her family life.

“John,” she said with a gentle smile. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

“I can’t stay long,” he said. “I just… well, I wanted to give you the gift I got you, and drop off presents for Sami and Eric.”

She couldn’t stop herself from smiling and running her palm along his arm as he leaned against the doorframe with a smirk. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I did,” he said quickly. He placed the bag inside the door. “They will always be my kids in my heart… and I never want them to feel otherwise. Carrie knows she can come to me for anything. I want Eric and Sami to know that as well.”

“They’re upstairs,” she started to say. “I can get them–”

“ –I can’t stay,” he told her. He could hear the shower running, and the last thing he wanted was for Roman to find him there. It was late, and Roman was already so suspicious of him. He briefly touched her chin, pinching it lightly. “Bye, Doc.”

And then he was gone. The only thing he’d left behind was a bag of gifts and the scent of his cologne. Marlena closed the door behind him, shivering at the cold air that had managed to seep through her sweater. She took the bag, and walked it over to the couch. Sitting down slowly, she reached in and took out two gifts clearly labeled for Sami and Eric. There was another, smaller gift that said simply, “Doc”. 

The gift itself was beautiful, but the letter John had written by way of explanation, brought tears to her eyes. He’d put so much thought into it, and she knew she would treasure it for the rest of her days. She heard Roman fussing about something upstairs, so she closed the box quickly, and slid the letter and the bracelet into her pocket. Roman wouldn’t understand, because in truth, John’s gift was far too intimate. It demonstrated a level of knowledge about her that would only upset Roman.  

John fingered the gold charms as they emerged one by one. He smiled, “I see you’re wearing the charm bracelet I gave you.”

“I love it,” she said in a breathy voice.

“I wasn’t sure you would. I just hope Roman doesn’t mind,” he said.

Marlena was quiet for a moment. Roman didn’t know about it. She’d hidden it, and when she did wear it, it was easily concealed underneath long sleeves. There was something about knowing it was there, settled against her warm skin that left her feeling more whole. She didn’t tell John any of that. Instead she asked, “Why would he mind?”

“It was something Carrie said yesterday. She’s worried about you and Roman.” John let go of her wrists. She was too soft, and she smelled too sweet. Touching her, even a simple touch, was almost too much for him. Isabella had only been gone three months. The feelings he was having for Marlena were too soon, and he wasn’t sure how to handle them. He was drawn to her, while feeling oppressive guilt at the same time.

Marlena looked away from him as she said, “There’s no reason for that.”

She was lying. John knew she was. He had been watching her marriage over the last few months, and Roman wasn’t invested. Marlena was being ignored, and the children, the family Roman had fought for, were being neglected. John wouldn’t say that. It would break Marlena’s heart, and besides, she was already aware. It was obvious by the way she glanced away as she lied to him. So he lied as well. “That’s what I told Carrie.”

Marlena lifted her coffee to her mouth, taking a long sip to fill the awkward pause in their conversation. She wasn’t fooling John, and he wasn’t fooling her. It was only a matter of time until they discussed it. But Marlena wasn’t ready to do that just yet. She wasn’t ready to admit that the home she and Roman had built on a house of cards was ready to topple.

“You know, Doc,” John said softly. “Maybe it’s about time that we talk to Roman about this Carrie thing. Especially now that we know she’s innocent.”

She looked at him quickly, “We told her we wouldn’t do that.”

“Roman is her father,” he said, repeating back to her what she had told him only a few days earlier.

“I know that,” Marlena replied. Why was this thread of conversation so upsetting for her? Because it will take away these moments. And she knew it was true. She didn’t want to lose these opportunities with John, but there was also the fact that Carrie had placed her trust in them, and Marlena worried about what would happen if they broke that trust. She was quiet for a few seconds, and then whispered, “I know that… but, we promised her we would not talk about it, and she trusts us… and if we do tell Roman, we’ll betray that trust. She might not confide in us again.”

He took a deep breath, “Perhaps she’ll just tell him on her own. Right?”

Marlena knew Carrie wouldn’t tell Roman. He’d not worked hard enough to rebuild their relationship, and he was too harsh with her. It’s why she still went to John with her problems. “Sure. Maybe she will–”

“ –you don’t believe that, do you?” he asked her.

Marlena paused with her coffee halfway to her mouth. Lowering it slightly, she hesitated. “I think… this is very confusing for Carrie.” Marlena’s head shook slightly, “I mean, she thought that Roman was dead. She thought that you were her father, then Roman came back, and now–”

“ –well, that’s kind of a tough situation for anybody to handle.” He rubbed his hands over his face slowly, closing his eyes.

Marlena whispered, “Present company included.”

His eyes opened and he stared at her reading something in her eyes. It was more than the sadness and confusion that seemed to reside there lately. He couldn’t say exactly, but as she stared at him with hazel eyes that reflected green and brown flecks, he felt himself drawn in. 

He leaned closer, reaching for her wrist again. His thumb brushed over the sensitive skin, pushing a charm to the side. She needed reassurance right then, not his own confusion piled on top of hers. “We’ll figure it out… I just think that we expected everything to fall into place a little too quickly. Sometimes that doesn’t happen.”

She gave him a gentle smile, “I bet you’re right. I bet it will work out.” But she wasn’t so sure that it would.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I know you’ve heard it all before

And you think I’m a fool about to fall

What am I talkin’ to you for?

‘Coz I’ve made up my mind and after all

You’re only a mirror on the wall

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman’s eyes went wide when he saw Taylor McCall walk past his office. She was supposed to be working night shifts, and yet there she was, walking by his office without a backward glance. He stood up quickly, and then opened the back door to his office as she walked around the corner, “McCall, get in here!”

Her eyes swept up towards his, and she glanced around. There was nothing out of the ordinary about his barked command, other than the way her body instantly reacted. In a room full of people her center squeezed, and sensation ran up and down her limbs. Her eyes went wide as she stared at him, but he didn’t seem to notice, he simply gestured her inside.

He turned and entered his office, assuming that she was behind him. The hustle and bustle of the police station on a saturday afternoon provided a cacophony of noise. Slamming filing cabinets, computer keyboards, desk drawers, footsteps – there was so much noise that no one even noticed when inside Roman’s office he started closing the blinds one by one. By the time Taylor entered, the room was cast in a shadowy light. She stood in the doorway watching him warily, and she said, “I just turned in my resignation to Abe.”

“Why are you in your uniform?” he asked her.

“I pulled a shift with Bo,” was all she said.

“Taylor,” he said softly, stepping closer.

She put her hand up, “Don’t come over here, Roman. I have no self control with you, and I–I’m worth more than the way you’ve been treating me.”

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered helplessly. “I see you… and I’ve told myself it’s over… but then you walk by my office, and I’m rushing to the door to stop you. All because I want to…”

Taylor stepped further into the room, closing the door behind her. She felt the latch of the lock, as she turned it. “What? What do you want to do?” she asked him.

Roman rubbed his hands over his face roughly. There is was again. The vulnerability that scared him in every aspect of his life rearing its ugly head. His first impulse was to say something rude, or off-handed to truly end it right then. He could tell her how it’s hard to impress a man wearing police issue polyester. He could tell her that she didn’t need to wait three weeks to leave. If she was leaving she could go now. But those were lies. 

He stepped closer to her, “Wilson asked me if you were seeing anyone, and I wanted to punch him in his smug face.”

“I’m not seeing anyone,” she replied. “I was… but he has a wife. It wasn’t working out.”

“He told you that?” Roman asked, playing along with her.

She shrugged, coming even closer. “I’m not enough for him… even though I know he loves me.”

“How do you know?” Roman’s voice was rough, and he swallowed thickly. 

“It’s in the way he looks at me. It’s the way he speaks… his voice changes and grows soft.” She crossed the room and was standing in front of Roman, when she said, “It’s his hands on my body, and the way he makes me want to scream when he touches me.”

That was it. Her words broke him. Roman’s fingers trembled when he touched her face. She was absolutely beautiful. Her hair was in a perfect French twist that he wanted to mess up so badly. Her uniform was straight lines, and immaculate seams. Her makeup was perfect, and he wanted to kiss her so hard that it smeared across her face. All he could do was groan, and reach around her cupping her ass and tugging her body up against his burgeoning cock. “G-d, woman… what the fuck are you doing to me?”

She pushed away from him, “Stop. You can’t touch me and fuck me everytime you see me, and then push me away!”

“I don’t know what the fuck to do!” he hissed. It was loud outside his office, but they couldn’t be overheard. “I don’t know! I’m trying to make it work with Marlena, and I’ve got my family–”

“ –sometimes marriages don’t work, Brady! No matter how much you want them to!” Taylor stepped back. Being so close to him took away her rational thinking. She was irrational, and she had poor discretion when his cologne filled her up like a fucking aphrodisiac.

Roman stared at her helplessly. He wanted to scream and yell, but with Taylor that seemed like the wrong approach. Maybe in everything he did that was the wrong approach, but he couldn’t stand to see the hurt in her eyes. He paused for a moment. Did he like seeing Marlena hurt? His gut response was no, but then he realized that every time he hurt her there was a part of him that felt like she deserved it. For loving John. For bringing John into their bed. He rubbed his hands over his face for the second time, and then he whispered, “I want you so bad.”

It was true, and at that moment, it was as close to I love you as he would get. Taylor knew it. Stefano DiMera had broken him, and the man who’d returned was nothing like the man who’d been taken. She knew that better than most. Everytime a gun sounded, Roman jumped. If someone walked too closely behind him, he was instantly angry. There were moments when he would hear a song, and he would go pale, and she saw it all. She wondered if his wife did, or if Roman just covered it all with loud, blustering, demands. Probably the latter. 

“I can’t be that for you anymore,” Taylor whispered. “I can’t be the woman you fuck against your desk at work, so that you can go home and sleep next to your wife. I can’t be the woman you kiss softly, so you can go home and take your wife to dinner. I’m not that woman, and you will never choose me… especially when you think your only choice is her.”

“That’s not true–”

“Shut up, Brady.” Taylor unlocked the door. She wiped the tears from her face, and said, “I gotta go.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No one ever bothered

To give him back his ring

And yes, I’m wearin’ perfume

But that doesn’t mean a thing

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena glanced over the menu, “I’m absolutely famished. I skipped breakfast because–” She stopped talking for a second trying to reframe what she’d been about to say, but John finished her thought for her.

“ –because you were upset,” he said gently. “I’m concerned that you’ve been skipping meals.”

“I’m not skipping meals,” she said defensively. John cocked his eyebrow and stared at her. Backtracking, she said, “I don’t think I realize how often I’m missing meals.”

“You’ve lost weight, and I worry about you.”

“And I suppose you think it’s your job to fatten me up?” she asked him with a teasing grin. She knew she’d lost weight recently. Her skirts were loose, and her jeans had gone from hugging her curves to hanging loosely on her hips. It wasn’t a good look. 

“Not fatten you up. Just round you out a little.” He thought about the way her jeans hugged her bottom, the fabric becoming like a second skin. He’d watched her walk by too many times in the last year in a pair of well fitting jeans.

“John?” Marlena asked for a second time. “Did you hear me?”

“I was distracted by the image of your ass in a pair of well worn jeans,” he said with a sexy smirk.

Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything. He was such a flirt. He took her breath away sometimes, and the flutter in her chest was enough to make her blink at him in dazed awe. It took her a moment to gather herself, before she glanced back down at the menu in her hands. “Well,” she said softly. “I guess a burger and French fries wouldn’t be a bad choice then?”

“That’s a fact. I might even join you in a little cheating,” he told her.

For the second time she blinked at him, caught off guard by his comment. Cheating? He laughed loudly watching her become discomfited. “The food, Doc. The food. We’re not exactly eating healthy.”

“Oh.” She felt the flush of embarrassment slowly climb up her neck as the server approached and took their order. She was so distracted by her memories of them huddled together under the pier that she completely missed John ordering their food.

John said, “And a Coca-Cola.” He was ordering her a Coke again. She loved Cokes. They were a sinful bit of sugary heaven in her mouth, and she knew they were horrible for her. Smiling at John, she mouthed, “Thank you.”

John sat back. “Oh, don’t thank me yet, because while we wait for the food, I’ve got to tell you something that I did, and you might not be too happy about it.” 

Her anxiety started to rise. “What did you do?”

“I meant to tell you about it at Christmas, but it slipped my mind…”

She eyed him suspiciously, “It slipped your mind?”

He shrugged, “The truth?”

“Always.”

John leaned forward with a sigh, “I didn’t tell you because you would have told me no, and Roman… well, Roman is going to be furious.” Marlena didn’t say anything. She stayed quiet watching him with intense hazel eyes across the table. “I set up trust funds for the children. All of my children.”

“John…”

“They will each get access to $100,000 when they reach the age of 21, and at the age of 30 they will get $400,000.” He watched her eyes widen, and he put his hand up to stop her from saying anything. He could tell from the way she was watching him that she wanted to say a lot. “I’ve thought about it, Doc, and I’m not changing my mind. Carrie will gain access to hers in October. She can use the money for school, she can invest it, she can use it to supplement her income. I don’t care. It’s hers to do with as she pleases–”

“ –John! You can’t do this,” Marlena gasped. She felt her chest constrict. Roman was already suspicious and insecure. He was going to lose his mind over this. 

“It’s already done, Doc.” He sat forward, pulling her hand across the table towards him. Softly he brushed his thumb over her palm, “It’s done,” he told her firmly. “And I won’t be undoing it.”

“Does Carrie know?” Her daughter was about to have access to more money than she’d ever had in her life. How would she handle it?

“I was going to speak with her about it soon. My one requirement is that she take a financial literacy class, and any large purchases have to be cleared through my accountant.” He waited. Marlena would have more to say. It was only a matter of time.

Their food arrived, and Marlena immediately reached for her Coke, suddenly feeling incredibly thirsty.  She drank down half of it. Still she was silent.

“Doc,” he said quietly, still holding her hand. “Doc, say something.”

“I’m in shock,” she whispered. “I’m not sure what to say. Roman is–”

“ –I’m done pretending. I’m done playing by rules that Roman makes. I can’t live like this anymore. Life is too short, Doc. It’s too fucking short. Isabella is gone, and I can never get her back. I won’t have regrets with the kids. I may not be their father, and I may not be able to be in their lives every day, but I can take care of them and make sure that if anything happens to me, they will be taken care of.” He sighed, “I should tell you that they… and you, are in my will.” 

“John, you can’t do that!” she exclaimed. All she could think about was Roman’s reaction, and the argument that would ensue. He would be angry at John, but he would take it out on her.

“It’s already done.” He kissed her knuckles, and then dropped her hands saying, “These burgers look great.”

“I’m not very hungry,” she mumbled. “I wish… I wish you hadn’t told me.”

John stood up, and then said, “Scoot over.” Marlena moved over in the booth, and when John slid in beside her, she allowed her head to fall against his shoulder. 

She took a deep breath. It was done. John had said so. “I don’t want to have to deal with Roman when he finds out.” She sighed, “But I think… I think it’s amazing that you have thought about taking care of the children. You may… someday, you might remarry, and I don’t need to be in your will.”

“Roman doesn’t need to know about that part.” John kissed the top of her head. “But how about this? We’ll cross that bridge if we get to it. In the meantime, I need to know that if I die, what I have built will be left to someone I trust, and I trust you.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re only a reflection

Don’t tell me what to do

It’s just a cup of coffee

He’s only passin’ through

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Abe watched Taylor McCall wipe the tears from her face as she left Roman’s office, and the suspicions he had for weeks were confirmed. He stepped into Roman’s office, closing the door loudly behind him. He cleared his throat. “When we were in Mexico, Marlena was torn between you and John. Ultimately, she let him go because she knew he would have Isabella, and a part of her still loved you.”

“And you know that exactly how?” Roman asked him, slamming the filing cabinet shut.

“Because I was the one who held her and consoled her when she finally decided to let John go, and move on with you!” Abe roared, slamming his fist on the desk next to him. “What the fuck are you doing, Roman?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied blandly. 

“I’ve suspected that you had something going on with McCall for months, but her unexpected resignation, and the way she looked when she just walked out of this office confirmed it.” Abe stepped closer to him. “As your commanding officer, I’m going to have to do an internal investigation for fraternization. You know that!”

Roman’s heart skipped a beat, and he said in low deliberate tones, “You don’t have to do anything, Abe. You can leave this office and pretend this conversation never happened.”

“Protocols are in place to protect the people who work here. I took an oath to abide by those. McCall is one of the best officers we’ve had here since Hope died, and now because of your idiocy, she’s submitted her resignation.” Abe wanted to knock sense into him, but there was nothing he could do. “You’re suspended until further notice.”

Roman watched his best friend turn to walk out of the office, asking him, “And what am I supposed to tell Marlena?”

“Tell her that you’ve realized you need to spend more time with your family,” Abe replied in anger. He slammed the door shut behind him, and Roman roared out his rage, wiping the desk clean in one angry swipe of his arm.

Outside Roman’s office, everyone heard his rage, and all eyes turned to Abe. “Get back to work,” he said. When his eyes landed on Taylor McCall with her swollen, red-rimmed eyes, he said, “My office. Now.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I know you’ve heard it all before

And you think I’m a fool about to fall

What am I talkin’ to you for?

‘Coz I’ve made up my mind and after all

You’re only a mirror on the wall

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena stared at herself in the mirror as she stood in the women’s restroom at the diner. How did a cup of coffee turn into this? Something was changing between her and John. At some point a line had been crossed, and she needed to find a way to get herself firmly back on the other side. Kissing him on New Year’s had been the worst idea. At the time it had felt innocent enough, but that was the moment where she started to think differently. Trying to dive in with Roman wasn’t going to work if she wasn’t fully invested. She had to find a way to keep what she had with John purely platonic, and what she was feeling wasn’t platonic. John made her breath catch, and her blood rush. She had to stop it.

That was easier said than done, when, as they exited the diner, he took her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. And when they reached their cars, in the shadows between them, John  stroked his fingers over he cheek softly, whispering, “You mean so much to me.”

Marlena felt that ripple of apprehension again, and unable to look into his eyes, she allowed her forehead to rest against his chest. “John?” she wanted to know. “What is happening here?”

“Nothing, Doc. Nothing. It was just a cup of coffee.”

She stared up at him, and she saw in his ocean blue eyes that what he was feeling was more than two friends getting coffee. But, she couldn’t handle knowing that. Softly she said, “I need to get home.”

“I’m going to pick Brady up from Victor’s and then head home to watch the football game,” he told her with a smirk.

Marlena stared at him curiously, “You don’t even like football.”

He laughed, “You’re right. I don’t, but sometimes it works for background noise, and it gives me an excuse to hang out and cuddle with Brady.”

She had the image of him holding her on the couch while watching football, and within moments the fantasy started to digress. Feeling the heat in her cheeks, she said softly, “Well… I should go.”

Hey, Doc?” he asked her with a grin. “Why did the sausage stop playing baseball?”

She smiled widely, “I don’t know.”

“Because he was the wurst on his team,” John told her with a dead-pan face.

Marlena couldn’t hold back her hoot of laughter. Smacking his arm, she said, “I really gotta go, and that was the wurst joke.”

He cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her forehead gently. “But it made you laugh. Bye, Doc.” Rounding his own vehicle, he stood and watched as she pulled out and drove away. Glancing at his watch he realized that they had been there for nearly four hours. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There is nothin’ more between us

Than a memory or two

It’s just a cup of coffee

He’s only passin’ through

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Just a Cup of Coffee – Trisha Yearwood

Chapter 25 – Everleave

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I make your coffee, pack your lunch

I’ve never heard, “Good morning, beautiful”

I always thought I asked too much

Is my fairytale idea of love delusional

And you’ve got no idea I’m drowning

Mind is racing, heart is pounding

Is today the day I walk away?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John handed Marlena a cup of perfectly made coffee, and she smiled up at him. She’d had a couple cancellations in her schedule which left her an hour free before and after lunch. She had considered calling Roman to see if he was free, but the thought of being brushed off or disappointed again didn’t sit right with her. She knew John was home for the day wallpapering Brady’s room, so she decided to take a chance and stop by. She’d told herself it was under the guise of talking about Carrie, but as she stared up into John’s smiling blue eyes, she knew it was really because he brought a peacefulness to her soul that she was having difficulty finding elsewhere.  “Thank you,” she said softly, wrapping her fingers around the warm mug.

“I’m guessing you came over to discuss what we’re going to do about Carrie?” he asked her, sitting down next to her on the sofa.

“Well, yes, now that we know it was Billie–”

“ – So, what do you want to do about Roman? Do you want to tell him, or not?” He watched her hands tremble slightly as if she were nervous, and it left him wondering why.

“I’ve been thinking about this, and well, Roman adores Carrie. He’ll be devastated by this,” she said softly, sipping at her drink.

John sighed, “I know.”

“And they’ve had so little time together,” she continued. She couldn’t stop thinking about Carrie and Roman’s argument the night before, and the way Carrie had stormed out of the house. Marlena had tried to explain to Roman how he was hurting his daughter, but instead, he’d blamed her. “The time they have had together has been spent… readjusting.”

John noticed Marlena’s slight pause, and he leaned forward trying to get her to look directly at him. “Something happened?”

It was getting more difficult for Marlena to maintain that line with John. She needed someone to confide in, a true friend, but was John that person, when they shared a past that was so intimate? She sighed softly, “Carrie came to me yesterday. She’s considering… she’s considering whether she and Austin should…” Marlena glanced away as she said, “…make love.”

John’s hand shook, and he sat his mug down on the coffee table. Carrie wasn’t his daughter anymore, and he had to remember that. She was eighteen, and she could have sex with anyone she wanted. The problem was Austin wasn’t someone he knew well, and Austin was a kid who seemed to be trying to figure himself out. 

Marlena was quiet, and then she said, “She came to me for guidance, and I-I tried to help her as best I could, but it’s so much easier when it’s not your own family.”

“…people having sex these days have to be very cautious… careful… thoughtful,” she said gently, trying to find the right words as she went along.

Carrie stared at her, “I know.”

She knew that Carrie had come to her because she trusted her, and that meant more than she could ever put into words. Marlena reached for Carrie’s hand, and said softly, “Let’s go sit down.” Once they were seated, Marlena squeezed Carrie’s hand. “I have so much faith in you, but I don’t know Austin very well.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, Austin… he had an AIDS test, and he’s okay.”

 “That makes me feel better,” Marlena whispered. “I’m glad to know that Austin is HIV negative, and I’m glad to know that he cares enough about you to take the test.”

Carrie smiled, “He does.”

“I’m also glad that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about it.” Marlena could still remember the first time she’d seen Carrie. A tiny little girl with blonde pigtails. She’d been so shy at first, and Marlena never could have imagined the twists and turns their lives would make. 

Carrie looked away, “I just feel–”

“ –awkward,” Marlena finished for her. She felt awkward too.

“Yeah.”

“I know,” Marlena said softly. “I did when I talked to my mom about it.”

“Why?”

“Because–because we’re a generation apart… when I was going through this and my, uh, well, her generation just didn’t ever talk about sex.

Carrie smiled, “I appreciate you talking to me.”

“Was she receptive?” John asked, interrupting Marlena’s silent reverie. 

She smiled at him gently, “She was, and I’m glad, because she needed me to be strong for her then, and she needed to feel loved, and heard. Oh, John, she needed to feel respected, and I was able to do that for her.”

“I’m so glad she had you,” he said. “I’m not sure I would have handled that particular conversation so well.”

“Roman didn’t.” Marlena sat her cup beside John’s and sighed. “Roman came in while we were talking, and he reacted poorly.”

John’s heart hurt. He could only imagine Roman’s reaction. He had enough of Roman’s memories to know that it was probably explosive. “What did he do?”

Marlena stood up, walking towards the large bay window that overlooked the perfectly groomed lawn out front. John followed her, stopping halfway across the room. She was beautiful. He needed to stop thinking of her that way, but the thoughts often came unbidden.

Marlena admired the picket fence John had installed, and the row of lilac bushes that would bloom prettily in spring. He was turning this home into the perfect home. A home she could imagine living in, and that scared her. She turned to him with a smile, “I love lilacs.”

He watched her from across the room. His voice sounded choked, as he replied, “I know.”

Marlena turned to face the window again. There was too much emotion in John’s eyes right then for her to look at him. She swallowed thickly, “Roman came in towards the end of the conversation. He heard Carrie ask me not to tell him… and I said I wouldn’t, because it was her choice whether she wanted to do that or not.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” John said, stepping closer. He could hear the confusion in Marlena’s voice. She was questioning herself. “I think it’s the same advice you would have given anyone.”

“Is it?” she asked, facing him with tear filled eyes. “Because Roman… he–he didn’t seem to think so.”

Roman’s eyes were lit with fury as he stood in front of Marlena and Carrie with his hands on his hips. “…then why don’t you tell me what it is? And why am I always the last one to know what the hell is going on in my daughter’s life?”

“Try to stay calm,” Marlena said. She knew that Carrie was going to get upset and likely flee the house if he continued. It was what had driven her to move out in the first place. 

Roman replied with his characteristic sarcasm, “Oh, stay calm. Stay calm and reasonable. Oh, like what? Like you and John would?”

Carrie stepped forward, “If you wouldn’t lose your temper all the time, maybe I could confide in you.”

“Let me get this straight,” he said. “If I promise not to get upset that you are sleeping with some irresponsible jerk, then you will tell me about it?”

“You are so wrong about Austin! He is a wonderful person,” Carrie cried.

“Maybe he is wonderful to you,” Roman said. “But to everybody else he is a loser. He’s a no-good–” He took a deep breath, obviously trying to calm himself down. “Carrie, this guy is using you. Why can’t you see that? All he wants is to get you into bed! You are nothing but a conquest to him! A challenge! Once that challenge is over, he’s gone! He’s out the door! He’s looking for somebody else!”

John stood in front of Marlena, and he softly wiped the tears from her face. It was so obvious that Roman’s reaction was something she was still hanging onto. “Aw, baby… what did he do?”

She fell against him with a sob, as she whispered, “He broke her heart. He broke it, and now… now I fear that a memory that could have been full of love and tenderness… understanding. He’s ruined it for her. I tried to call her today, but she’s not answering, and I know why. Roman’s words, the way he spoke to her… he broke her heart.”

John wanted to find Roman and knock his head off of his shoulders, but it wouldn’t solve anything. Holding her quivering body against him, John whispered, “We don’t have to tell him about the situation with the check. It’s resolved… and we can, we can just move past it.”

“I feel like I’m lying to him,” she whispered.

John couldn’t say anything. They were lying to Roman. Lying by omission was still a lie, but Roman’s reactions were harsh, John could understand why Marlena and Carrie were both keeping secrets. He cupped her face, and wiped her tears from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. Marlena took a quick breath when his thumb brushed against the side of her mouth, and he leaned forward kissing the edge of her lips gently.

The telephone rang and Marlena jumped, staring at it as if she’d been caught doing something wrong. John smiled down at her, “It’s just the telephone, Doc.” He crossed the room, lifting the receiver from the wall near the refrigerator, “Hello?”

“Is my wife there?” Roman demanded. “You know, ‘cause a funny thing happened. I went by her office to surprise her for lunch, and her secretary said she’d left for a few hours. Told me she was at your house.”

John was quiet for a moment, as he stared at Marlena. There was no way she was ready for this phone call, but he couldn’t lie. Taking a deep breath, he said, “She’s here… hold on.” Covering the receiver with his hand, he whispered, “It’s Roman.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Maybe I can hurt forever if it keeps you happy

‘Cause there are days I think we’ll be alright

But I can’t keep pourin’ from a cup  so empty

Then turn my back and try to sleep at night

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman’s voice blasted through the telephone line, “You know, Doc. You do an awful lot of complaining about the amount of time we spend together, and when I try and do something special, like surprising you for lunch–”

“ –I’m sorry, Roman. If I had known ahead of time,” she said. The fact was, she didn’t call him because she’d expected more excuses, and the excuses had become old. 

“ – you could have called me if you knew you were free for a few hours! Instead I’ve wasted time, and you’re not even at your office,” he said.

Marlena took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from crying. It wouldn’t help the situation to tell him that she’d given up on calling him and asking him to spend time with her. It felt like begging at this point. Softly, she said, “I could come now. I’m only fifteen minutes away.”

“It’s too late, Doc. I’ve gotta get back to work,” he told her roughly. “I’ll just give this food to the guys at work.”

She heard Roman disconnect the line, and she allowed her hand to fall limply at her side. The room was filled with silence as she stared at John. Her world was falling apart, and it seemed, no matter what she did, she couldn’t manage to fix it. Her muscles started to shake, and more tears filled her eyes.

John stepped towards her, “Aw, Doc.” He reached for the telephone, still gripped in her hand, and hung it up. He wasn’t expecting her to fall into him sobbing. He held her head to his chest, and he closed his eyes. Her pain was his for the moment.

“I can’t seem to fix this,” she cried helplessly. It wasn’t just the constant arguing between her and Roman, it was the loneliness. She was going through life without affection. The affection she received was limited to the occasional hug from family, or messy kisses from Eric and Sami. Piled on top of the loneliness was that she was overwhelmed with work, and the children. She couldn’t seem to keep up with the house, and when she’d asked Roman if they could have Mabel back, he’d laughed and said John only needed Mabel because he couldn’t handle things without a woman. Marlena would be getting no help on the household front, although Sami and Eric helped out as much as two small children could.

“What do you need?” he asked her softly. He brushed the hair back from her face, and she stared up at him as if she were so lost. He could help her find her way, if she would only allow him to, but she couldn’t. Not if her marriage to Roman was going to work.

Marlena started brushing at her tears furiously, and she stepped out of his embrace. “I’m just emotional,” she said quickly. “I haven’t been getting much sleep, and the housework is piling up.” She realized that John was still watching her intently, and she whispered, “It’s fine. Everything is– it’s fine.” Glancing at the clock, she said, “Oh! Look at the time. I have to get going.”

“Stop.” He grabbed her wrist as she attempted to walk by him, and pulled her back to face him. “Stop running from whatever it is you’re running from, Doc, and just talk to me.”

“I can’t talk to you about these things, John! I shouldn’t have even told you about his argument with Carrie. It’s–it’s not appropriate.” She looked away from him, and when John took her chin in his fingers and forced her eyes back to his, she knew her feelings for him were returning. Maybe they had never left. She closed her eyes, whispering to herself, “Oh, G-d!”

For a split second, John saw it. She still loved him. He wrapped his arms around her, resting his cheek in her fragrant hair. “I’m going to ask you one more time,” he said softly. “What do you need?”

She tried to wipe at her tears, but John held her so firmly against him that they simply fell onto his grey sweatshirt leaving wet splotches in their wake. “The house is a mess, and… I’m behind on laundry. I hardly think those are things you can help me with. I’ll have to get to it tonight, after Sami and Eric go to sleep. That’s all. Arguing with Roman… makes me…”

“What?” he asked her. He needed her to get it out, because holding it inside would just make everything worse. 

Marlena sighed, “Tired. I’m just so very tired…” She pushed away from him, saying, “But I really do need to go… thank you.”

John cupped her face in his hands, “Call me if you need me. Anytime, okay?”

“Anytime?” she asked with a watery smile. 

“Anytime, baby,” he said with a laugh.

Marlena left John’s house thinking that he’d called her baby twice while she was there. It meant nothing. She told herself it meant nothing, but in her heart, it meant something.

John watched Marlena’s car pull out of the driveway, and then he lifted the telephone to his ear. It rang twice before he heard a familiar voice at the end of the line. “Hey, Mabel. It’s John. Do you still have the key to the house over on Sycamore?”

“I do,” she replied. “I wasn’t sure what to do with it.”

“I’m wondering if you could do me a favor,” he said with a grin. “Kind of a surprise for Marlena. I’ll pay triple.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If nothing changes, I might break

I don’t think you believe

I’ll ever leave

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena thought of John as soon as she walked into her home that evening after work. The twins were chattering away, as she mumbled, “Let’s get to the table, and see what you have for homework.” 

The air smelled of cleaning supplies, and she knew immediately that John was responsible. Her suspicions were confirmed, when she found the note on the end table. I was doing a favor for a friend. Mabel. Marlena felt tears welling up in her eyes again. She’d been crying on and off all day, and this was just another moment when her emotions got the best of her. “Oh, John,” she whispered. 

Sami said, “I only have math homework, because I did everything else at school.”

“Well isn’t that lucky,” Marlena told her. Turning to Eric, she said, “And what about you, little man?”

“I have English and math.” He sighed, “I wish Papa was here. He’s good at math.”

“Hey!” Marlena laughed. “Let me see that. I used to be pretty good at math too, you know.”

“Girls aren’t good at math,” Eric mumbled.

“Oh, girls are plenty good at Math,” Marlena laughed. “My sister Samantha won awards at math.”

“She did?” Sami asked with wide eyes. “My Aunt Samantha?”

“She sure did,” Marlena told her. “In high school she was on the math team, and they won the state championship two years in a row.”

Sami looked at Eric, and she said, “I can help you with the math if you want me too.”

Eric stared at her warily, and then he looked at his mother. Marlena was worried that some of Roman’s behaviors were starting to rub off on Eric, but finally he said, “Papa said once that women worked for NASA and did math. They called them computers.”

Sami laughed, “I remember that!”

“Well, there you go,” Marlena said with a wide smile. “If your Papa said so, then it must be true.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman put his empty plate, and his glass next to where Marlena stood washing the dishes, and he sat back down at the kitchen table. She could hear the rustle of the newspaper as he turned the pages. She sighed and reached for his plate. She didn’t want to focus too much on the fact that he hadn’t even offered to help clean up. She refused to acknowledge that he hadn’t even thanked her for the meal. She had to stop focusing on the negatives. It wasn’t helping their situation. “Roman?” she asked.

“Yeah, Doc?” He turned the page in the newspaper, looking for the sports section.

Marlena finished rinsing the last dish, and she turned to face him while drying off her hands. “I was researching ways to assist Kim, and there’s a conference next weekend in Boston. I was thinking I might attend. Some of the best doctors doing MPD research will be there, and it would be an excellent way to–”

Roman sat the newspaper down, and gave her a hard stare. “ –is that why you cleaned the house? To soften me up?”

She blinked at him a few times, trying to put her thoughts in order. “No. Roman, that has nothing to do with this. I think this conference would be beneficial to help formulate a defense for Kim’s case, that’s all.” Marlena took a deep breath, “Rebecca Morrison is not going to back down, and she’s not going to empathize with your sister. Kim and I still haven’t been able to get either Lacey or Claire to come out during a session. I think–”

“ –well, if you’re asking my permission, the answer is no. I’ve got a lot going on at work, and if you’re gone for the weekend, what am I going to do with the kids?” he asked her loudly. 

“I wasn’t asking your permission exactly. I was hoping we could discuss it,” she told him.

“You were hoping I would say I was fine with it, and then you’d jaunt off to Boston for a few days while I tried to juggle the kids and my job, is that it?” He stood up in frustration, folding the newspaper and slamming it down on the table. “You know what, Doc? You make arrangements for the kids, that’s fine, but I don’t have the time to drop everything. I’m in the middle of a case, and –”

Marlena’s eyes narrowed, “ –that’s fine. G-d forbid you take some time off to try and support me for once.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he yelled.

“Exactly what I just said. No interpretation is needed.” Marlena walked out of the kitchen. She couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him one minute longer.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Standin’ at the kitchen sink

I wonder if you’ll ask about my day

I’m washing off your dinner plate

And all I see is a decade down the drain

And you’ve got no idea I’m drowning

Mind is racing, heart is pounding

Is today the day I walk away?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s head rolled on her pillow, and her eyelids fluttered with the movement of her eyes. She turned onto her side, moaning in her sleep.

“I am not going to take one step out of this room, until you answer me!” she yelled, staring at her husband-to-be with angry hazel eyes.

“Doc!” Roman yelled. “Are you gonna marry me or not?”

“I’m not real sure that I want to marry you right now!” she cried, not caring who could hear her.

“You expect me to go out there, and tell all those people to go home?” he asked her in surprise.

“I expect you to answer my question. You owe me that much,” she said. He’d been late for the service, and then he’d almost been killed, halting everything. She deserved to know why.

“I told you, I would tell you later, this is–”

“ –you almost–”

“ –this is not the time or the place!” Roman pulled at his own hair as he walked away from her trying to calm himself down.

“This is the time, Roman!” She followed him, tripping on her gown as she went. “I was worried sick waiting for you to get to this church! I didn’t even know if you would ever show up at all! And now I want to know where you were, and what you were doing, and why you were late getting to the church!”

Roman leaned towards her. “I was late getting to this church because I was in a fight!”

At least he’d answered her. “A fight? With whom? About what?”

“I told you, I would tell you all this later,” he said.

“No!” Marlena yelled. “I want you to tell me now!”

“No!” he screamed back. “I will not tell you now. Now, who’s the boss in this marriage anyway?”

Marlena was fuming. His domineering ways were getting frustrating. Where at first they had been endearing, she was starting to find them oppressive. For a brief moment she doubted everything. She cried, “We’re both the boss in this marriage!”

“No, no, no, no! I am the boss, and I am telling you to get your tush out there and marry me, right now!”

She refused to be cowed by him. “I’m not going anywhere until I know what happened today!”

“Doc, you will only get yourself upset, and you will not even enjoy your own wedding!”

Marlena knew that her tears were messing up her makeup. Still she cried, “Upset? How do you think I’m feeling right now?”

He lost his patience, “I think you’re sounding like a fishwife! That’s what I think!”

She stared at him in surprise, “A fishwife? Don’t you change the subject on me, Roman Brady! I want answers, and I want them now, or maybe there won’t be a marriage!”

“Oh, you’re not going to marry me, huh?” he asked her. “So that’s it? You’re calling off the wedding?”

Marlena’s voice was soft when she said, “No. I said there might not be a wedding.” Her feelings were so hurt, and she felt like Roman was disregarding everything she’d said to him. 

Suddenly Roman had stopped yelling, his voice turning soft, “Hey, Doc. Look, um, don’t cry alright. You’re gonna mess up your-your makeup.”

She couldn’t help it. With a hitch in her voice she said, “You called me a fishwife.”

He sighed heavily, “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean it. Honest.”

She turned to face him with tears covering her face. “Yes, you did, Roman.”

“I swear,” he insisted. “I didn’t. It’s just that, uh, you’re just kind of sounding like a fishwife. That’s all.” 

He gave a short laugh as he said it, and Marlena felt like he wasn’t taking anything she said seriously. “Then you did mean it!”

Marlena’s eyes opened wide, and she stared at the ceiling of her bedroom. Beside her, Roman snored softly. She knew she would not be going back to sleep anytime soon. Memories of her and Roman were coming to her in her sleep now. Great. She rolled over to glance at the clock. John had said she could call him at anytime. Did he mean it? Immediately she knew he had. Did she dare? She turned her head, looking at Roman one more time, and then she sat up, sliding her feet into her slippers and reaching for the robe at the end of the bed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John rolled over and glanced at the clock. It was almost three in the morning. He rubbed his face as the telephone rang shrilly again. In a sleep laden voice he said, “Hello?”

“John?” came Marlena’s soft voice. She pulled her legs up next to her, and she laid her head down on the arm of the sofa.

He sat up quickly, “Yeah, Doc. Is everything okay?”

She was quiet for a moment and then she said, “You said I could call.”

He wasn’t sure what to say, so he simply replied, “I did.”

“I had a dream, and I wanted to ask you about it.” She knew it was an odd request at three o’clock in the morning, but still she asked, “Do you remember the day you found me jogging? When I asked you about Roman’s memories?”

How could he forget? Sitting next to her on the bathroom floor while she sat in the bathtub was a memory he hated, and fantasized about almost daily. His voice was rough, “Yeah, Doc. I remember.”

“Do you remember the day Roman and I were married?” She closed her eyes, almost embarrassed that she’d even asked him. It crossed lines. It made her wonder how much more he might remember. Did John have Roman’s memories of making love to her? She knew that during the time she was gone, his memories had become more clear. 

John rubbed his hands over his face. He remembered. He remembered so much that there were still times he struggled with separating himself from Roman. The only thing that kept him grounded in reality was finally understanding how different he was from Roman. “I remember, Doc. Roman was late because he’d been working a case. He felt like discussing it after the wedding would be better because there was so much to tell you, but you wanted answers right away. Because you were scared, and worried. Because his showing up late had left you feeling… insecure.”

“How do you know that?” she asked. “I mean, I understand how you know what Roman was thinking and feeling, but how do you know… what I was feeling?”

“I can see your face,” he whispered. “In my mind I can see it as if I were there right now.”

Marlena was surprised, “Roman’s memories… are they that clear?”

“His memories… they’re different from the ones I’ve made over the last eight years. My own memories are more blurry. I still feel the emotions that come with them, but I suspect those are the ones that are the way memories should be. Isabella’s image is one I recognize, but in my mind… even she is fading. But Roman’s memories, because of the way Stefano gave them to me… those are as clear as if they just happened.” John adjusted the pillows behind him, and stretched his legs out to lean against the headboard. 

“Is that difficult for you?” she wondered. It must be. To live his life with Roman’s memories as clear as a television show, and his own on a different level. It must be confusing.

“It can be… complicated,” John said softly. 

“I had a dream,” she whispered. “About the day I married Roman. He called me a fishwife. But that day, I remember questioning for the briefest moment, if marrying Roman was what I really wanted.”

“Roman was frustrated. He wanted you to marry him, and he wanted to have that conversation later. He was feeling the pressure of everyone being assembled and waiting. He knew he was late, and that made things awkward as well… he just wanted you to be willing to allow him to explain everything later, and ultimately, you did.”

“I did… but it bothered me. It bothered me because even after we were married, I felt like he never really heard me.” She sighed softly, “I felt like I was talked over, unless he was showering me affection. He wanted a wife to coddle and protect, but he didn’t want a wife who was his equal. I wonder sometimes… if he might have grown or changed if Stefano hadn’t taken him for those seven years.” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I thought I could hurt forever if it kept you happy

‘Cause there were days I thought we’d be alright

But I can’t keep pourin’ from a cup so empty

Then turn my back and try to sleep at night

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman stood near the top of the stairs, and Marlena’s words echoed in his mind. I wonder sometimes… if he might have grown or changed if Stefano hadn’t taken him for those seven years. Who was she on the telephone with at three o’clock in the morning? 

Marlena’s gentle voice drifted up the stairs, “I just wonder if maybe, Stefano hadn’t taken Roman… maybe he would have grown as a person and somehow, possibly, come to respect me in my job, and seen me as an equal in our marriage?”

“Do you feel like he doesn’t?” John asked her. 

Roman leaned his head against the wall. Marlena felt like he saw her as less? Was that true? He knew it was. How many times had he gone behind her back and spoken with Abe about a case she’d been assigned because he thought he knew what was better for her? 

“I feel like… yes. I feel like in my profession, and in my work with the police station, he has undermined me. He has put roadblocks in my way in the name of concern or safety, but it feels… like it’s because he doesn’t trust me to make the right choices. He says it’s because he’s worried, and maybe it is, but I feel like it’s mostly because he thinks I’m going to make the wrong decisions.” Marlena was so tired. She felt her eyes begin to feel heavy, and she allowed them to close briefly as the gentle cadence of John’s voice washed over her.

“He worries about you,” John told her.

Marlena opened her eyes, saying, “I know that, John. I know he worries about me, but does he respect me?”

“He loves you,” John whispered.

“Loving me isn’t the same thing!” she said in frustration. “Don’t you see that? He could love me until I suffocate… and then where does that leave us?”

Roman was furious. She was on the telephone with fucking John, and she was talking about him. If he listened to much more, he would go downstairs and tear the phone out of her hand. He turned around and walked back upstairs. It was time to shower and head into work early.

Marlena suddenly felt awkward. Wanting to change the subject to something that felt less intimate, she said, “Tonight I mentioned an MPD conference I’d like to attend in Boston, but Roman wasn’t very receptive… so, I think I’ll do more research in the medical library at the hospital.” Marlena sighed, “I wish he could understand how much I love Kim, and how much I want to help her, but he insists that Dr. Allison–”

“ –you should go to the conference,” John told her.

“John, I can’t,” she said. “I don’t have anyone to watch the twins, and Roman is insisting that he has to work all weekend–”

“ –I can watch them,” he said. “I can watch the kids, or Bo will. You know that.” He stood up from the bed, saying, “For Kimmy, Doc. I think you need to do this.”

“ –I’m not sure,” she said.

“Just think about it,” John said softly. “Think about it for me. You are the smartest woman I know, and if there’s anyone that could help Kim… it’s you, Doc. You are the best psychiatrist in Salem. Hell, maybe the fucking state. I don’t know enough to say for sure, but you have helped me more than anyone else in my life. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Marlena closed her eyes again. She knew what he was saying. She needed to not allow Roman to diminish her in her profession. Marlena smiled, wiping a tear from her cheek, “We’ll see.”

“Find a way to go.”

Roman was heading down the stairs when he heard Marlena say in a sleepy voice, “You’re an amazing man, John Black.” 

John wished he were there to soothe her back to sleep. Instead he whispered, “Go to sleep, Marlena. You’ve got a couple hours before the kids are up.”

“Thank you for having the house cleaned… I know it was you,” Marlena whispered. “And I want you to know that I appreciated it so much.”

Marlena’s eyes were closing as John’s soft words washed over her, “Anything for you, Doc. Anything for you.”

Roman stood on the landing, staring down at Marlena with fury as she said goodnight to John, and rolled over closing her eyes. John was responsible for the clean house? How? Why? There was no way he could ask without Marlena knowing he’d been listening to her conversation, and that made him even angrier. Now he had to pretend to be ignorant about it. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If nothing changed, I said I’d break

I know you don’t believe

I’ll ever leave

Now I’m not leavin’ lights on

I left ‘em on for too long

I’m not wrong for this

And one day, it’ll all make sense

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Everleave – Alexandra Kay

Chapter 26 – I Know You Won’t

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I know you don’t mean to be mean to me

‘Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong

We belong

Lately, you make me feel all I am is a backup plan

I say I’m done, and then you smile at me and I’ll forget

Everything I said

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Brady Pub was busy for a Tuesday afternoon. John sat across from Victor while picking at his food. He should have ordered chowder. The burger and fries sitting in front of him seemed unappealing. He noticed Victor staring at his hand, and he said with little emotion, “I haven’t been able to take it off yet.”

“John, Isabella has been gone for three months. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?” Victor asked him.

John stared down at the wedding ring he still wore, “Three months… Victor, you act as if that’s a lifetime. She died in October. I think I’m allowed to mourn.”

“I’m not saying you aren’t,” Victor said gently. “I’m simply saying that it’s acceptable to put yourself out there again. Continuing to wear your wedding ring will stop women from expressing their interest.”

“Not all women,” John muttered.

Victor’s eyebrows raised in curiosity, “Oh? Someone has expressed some interest?” 

“They weren’t exactly shy about it. They even went so far as to accost Doc and ask for tips on how to snag me.” John glanced at his ring again. Was Victor right? Was it time to take it off? Turning it around his finger, he said, “I’ve considered taking it off. I just… I haven’t felt that the time is right, you know?”

Victor was curious. “So, who is this mystery woman who’s trying to get information about you?”

“Rebecca Morrison,” John replied flatly. “She claims I made a bet with her when I worked at the precinct, although I don’t remember that. Said I owed her dinner. I took her out for New Years as friends. What I do remember from working with her were the arguments we used to have.”

“John, some of the most passionate romances are born of a difference of opinion. Roman and Marlena used to have some furious fights,” Victor laughed. He watched as John’s facial expression changed for a fleeting instant. He wasn’t sure if it was because John possessed Roman’s memories, or if John was remembering his own arguments with Marlena. Slowly he said, “But then, I seem to remember you and Marlena having some explosive fights yourselves.”

The first thing that came to mind were their disagreements when he first started as the head of security at the hospital, back before he was Roman Brady. Marlena’s fierce independence was one of the things that had attracted him. He wanted nothing more than to protect her, and she wanted to feel like her patients had some semblance of anonymity. Sometimes it was foolish, but he admired her for it. Marlena’s intelligence and strength had pulled him towards her like gravity. 

“As a matter of fact, I was at Blondie’s that day you tracked her down with that hospital sign-out sheet,” Victor laughed. “I’ve never seen Marlena so flummoxed. It was quite entertaining.”

John couldn’t help but smile as he recalled tossing the clipboard onto the table in front of her that day. It had all worked out in the end, and ultimately Marlena had become his friend. She was his best friend, and then he fell in love with her. At the time it had felt like an impossible love, because he had growing evidence that he might be Stefano DiMera. It was hard living as an amnesiac. He couldn’t reconcile his love for her with the pain he might have been responsible for. 

“I didn’t realize you were there,” John chuckled.

A sad look came over Victor’s face as he said seriously, “I was a different man then. I was looking for the Pawn.”

John got very quiet, and then he said, “Well, you found him.”

“We’ve never talked about that time. Maybe we should,” Victor told him.

“The past is the past,” John said dismissively. “It can’t be changed.”

“Even still, I think I owe you an apology. Isabella loved you, and she was only able to do that because you evaded me all those years ago.” He stared at John for a long moment, “I’m grateful that she had your love.”

John wasn’t sure what to say. His relationship with Victor had only improved since Brady’s birth, and that hadn’t been that long ago. There were times when John still wasn’t sure that he trusted the man, but for Isabella and Brady he would try. 

The bell over the door to the pub rang loudly, and John turned as a gust of wind blew through the room, followed by the excited chatter of Sami and Eric. His eyes met Marlena’s, who was close behind them, and everything froze. All he could see for a moment was the way she’d gasped the week before when his thumb had brushed against her mouth. He was broken from his reveries when Sami and Eric cried simultaneously, “Papa!”

Kneeling down, he smiled and held his arms out waiting for them to rush in, but the whole time his eyes were riveted on Marlena. She entered the room in a warm white coat, with her blonde hair around her shoulders. She was a vision of beauty, and he was completely lost in her for a small moment in time.

Victor watched it all with quiet fascination. It was possible there was another reason for John’s seeming uninterest in moving on. Maybe someone already had his heart. John stood up, and whispered something to Marlena. Her eyes took on a soft look as she nodded her head, and all Victor heard was John’s soft voice saying, “Good. Good. You should go,” as he touched her arm gently.

Marlena approached the table, “Hello, Victor.”

He stood up, still fascinated by the interaction between Marlena and John, and he said, “Hello, Marlena. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” she replied. “I’m just here to drop off the children. I was planning a night with Roman since I’ll be out of town this weekend.”

John’s chest tightened. A night with Roman. Of course she would try and spend some time with him before she left for her conference. She’d just told him that Bo was going to take the kids fishing on the boat for the weekend. Marlena would be out of town until Monday. “That’s nice,” he said. “Do you have anything special planned?”

“Just a quiet dinner at home,” she said with a smile. “He’s promised to be home early tonight, and I thought some quiet time together would be nice.”

John smiled, and went through all of the required rudimentary social graces, but Victor saw the change in him. John wasn’t moving on, because he already had his sights set on someone. Someone who was completely unavailable. He sat back down with a heavy sigh as Marlena went to greet Caroline. John sat down across from him and their eyes met. As gently as he could, Victor said, “You know, John. It might be nice to give Rebecca a chance. A small dinner with no expectations.”

Victor was saying so much more, and John read it all in his face. “Yeah. Yeah… maybe you’re right.” His fascination with Marlena wasn’t going to help him. It only complicated things even more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I buy into those eyes and into your lies

You say you’ll call but I know you

You say you’re comin’ home, but I know you

You say you’ll call, but I know you won’t

You say you’ll call, but I know you won’t

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Roman,” Taylor said softly. She had followed him out of the police station, even though she knew she shouldn’t. He’d been avoiding her since Abe had written them both up. He’d also been leaving work earlier, and Taylor was terrified that she would lose him. Abe had convinced her to rescind her resignation, and if she was honest, her heart wasn’t in it anyway. So everyday, she went through the motions, working her shifts with Bo, and laughing with her buddies, while in her periphery she was watching Roman. She loved him. She’d started dating Daniel Wilson, but it wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted more than a few kisses, and she wasn’t willing to give anything else. That didn’t mean she could use her relationship with Daniel to force Roman to acknowledge how he felt about her, because all she wanted was the man who’s back was to her as he stood frozen next to his silver minivan.

Without turning around, Roman cursed the fact that the lights in the parking lot were malfunctioning. Being alone in the dark with Taylor was not where he should be, because it was exactly where he wanted to be. Turning to face her, he said roughly, “Get back in the station, Taylor, or go home.”

“I needed to speak with you.” She came closer, and he turned away from her, grumbling to get his key in the door lock. He was going to ignore her. “So, that’s it? You just dismiss me? Pretend I’m not here trying to speak with you?”

He turned around in frustration, “Look, Taylor. We are both skating on thin ice here. I’m lucky I wasn’t fired. I’m your superior officer, and what happened between us–”

“ –is that what we’re calling it?” she asked with a scoff. “What happened between us? Roman, you had an affair with me!”

Roman started to yell out of frustration, “I’m your superior officer, and I’m the one who stands to lose the most here! Abe gave us both a second chance, and he didn’t tell Marlena.”

“He can’t tell Marlena,” Taylor said. “He can’t overstep the bounds of professionalism.”

“He’s one of her best friends,” Roman said softly. “If Marlena finds out that he knew, and didn’t tell her… that will break her heart. Believe me, he’s already told me what a fucking ass I am for putting him in this predicament.”

Taylor couldn’t help the laugh of derision, “Predicament. That’s what I am? A complication?”

Roman sighed, “Taylor, you know that you’re more than that.”

“No, I don’t. I never have.” She felt the sting of tears in her eyes. “I don’t know what I am to you, and I never have. For all I know I’m nothing more than a convenient fuck when your wife isn’t around.”

“Taylor, that’s not true.” He stepped closer to her, and then stopped himself. This was what would get him in trouble. These feelings he had for her. He clenched his fists next to his body, and he told her gruffly, “You–you mean something to me. I care about you, but I can’t be with you. I can’t. Marlena gave me another chance, and I’ve royally fucked it up.” He glanced at his watch realizing he was running late, “I’ve got to get home, Doc is expecting me.”

“I have a date with Daniel tonight,” she whispered, studying his face in the dim light to see his reaction. “You want me to move on. I’m moving on.”

His pulse started to pound in his ears, “Daniel doesn’t deserve you.”

Taylor came to stand beside him, leaning against his van. Roman could see her breath as it fogged in the cold February air. She smiled at him, “You don’t get to decide who deserves me.”

“Taylor…”

She stood up quickly, intent on leaving him there in the dark. “I’m wearing that black dress you like so much. But instead of you, it’ll be Daniel’s hands ripping it off of me tonight.”

Roman took her wrist in his fist, and flipped her so that her back slammed against the van, and he leaned over her. “Why the fuck are you doing this to me?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” she whispered breathlessly, staring up at him. His hot breath wafted across her mouth, and she could feel his heart pounding against her chest. She had followed him intending to hurt him. She wanted him to hurt as much as she was hurting, because if she had to be in pain, he needed to share it. Instead she was looking up at a sexually charged, jealous man, and it was causing her body to react. She whispered, “You don’t miss me. You don’t even love me.”

“Fuck you,” he groaned. His lips bit at her neck under the fall of her hair, and he pressed himself more firmly against her. “Why the fuck do you do this to me?”

Her head fell back against the van with a dull thud, and she gasped softly, “Don’t you need to get home to your wife?”

“Shut up,” he growled, kissing her almost violently. He bit at her bottom lip, pulling on it with his teeth. She cried out beneath him, and he growled,  “Shut the fuck up.” Roman wrestled to get the van door open, and he wrapped his fist around her upper arm. He was about to break every promise he’d made to himself over the last two weeks. The smell of her, and the taste of her had broken them all. “Get in.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I wish you were here where you’re supposed to be

Close to me

But here I am, just starin’ at this candle burnin’ out

Still no sound

Of footsteps on my stairs

Your voice anywhere

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The clock was half past eight o’clock, and Roman still wasn’t home. Marlena had called the station, but they’d told her that Roman left more than an hour ago. She wiped the tears from her face. She wasn’t going to allow herself to cry over him. She wasn’t. And yet she couldn’t stop the sob that escaped her mouth. He’d promised her. She stared down at the cold food sitting on the table, as the taper candles burned so low they were nearly out. She felt stupid. She’d believed him, and he let her down again. There was no other way to describe it. She fingered the lace along the edge of the new robe she’d purchased. None of it mattered. She was wearing it for nothing.

Slowly she started clearing the food from the plates she’d meticulously arranged. The clatter of forks against China combined with the sound of the fire in hearth echoed in the silence. How many times could she be disappointed? Lifting the dishes in her hands, she leaned forward, blowing out the candles. She watched as the smoke plumed towards the ceiling. A sob caught in her chest, and she whispered to herself, “You are not going to cry about this.”

The food thrown away, and the dishes washed, she exited the kitchen and reached for the wine glasses on the table. She could still remember the day they’d bought them at a small antique store. She placed them carefully on the mantle just as Roman came through the front door.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You say you’ll call, but I know you

You say you’re comin’ home, but I know you

You say you’ll call, but I know you won’t

You say you’ll, but I know you won’t

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman stared at his wife, and then took in the room. A fire in the hearth, and candles on the table. Marlena stood next to the table in a satin nightgown with a lace edged robe hanging loosely on her shoulders. Tears reflected on her face. She’d been crying, and he could tell she’d been clearing the table. He was an ass. The room was set for romance, and he’d been having a tryst in their minivan. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I’m late, Doc.”

“The station said you left over two hours ago,” she whispered. “Where were you?”

He started to make excuses, “I got caught up in some paperwork, and I didn’t realize–”

She wiped the tears on her face again, silently cursing her inability to stop them. “You didn’t call.”

“I’m sorry.” He took his coat off, and smelled Taylor’s perfume all over him. Guilt washed over him, and he closed his eyes briefly to get his thoughts together. “I lost track of time–”

“ –lost track of time?” Marlena asked him in a voice that was entirely too calm. “I planned an evening for us, and you promised–”

“ –look, Doc. I said I’m sorry. Maybe we can do it another time,” he said quickly. The thought of her touching him had nausea welling up inside him. He still had the scent of Taylor all over his skin. His fingers smelled like her sex, and his wife was standing there with tears in her eyes practically begging him for what he’d been demanding from her for weeks. Unable to face what he’d done, he headed for the stairs, “I’m really tired, and I need to shower. I’m sorry about this, Doc. Maybe we can plan it another time?”

Roman disappeared upstairs and Marlena slowly walked towards the couch. She sank onto the edge of the cushion, and stared at the floor for a moment. Her hand covered her mouth to try and hold back the grief she was feeling. Everything was falling apart, and she felt as if Roman was pushing them closer and closer to a point where things would be irreparable. One moment he would demand her time, and her investment, and then he would disregard every attempt she made. She couldn’t continue to fight for their marriage alone.

She glanced over at the telephone, listening to the shower turn on upstairs. The urge to call John was so strong, but calling John would only prove that her emotions were turning elsewhere.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You say you’ll call, but I know you

You say you’re comin’ home, but I know you

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The telephone rang for the second time, and John looked at Rebecca across the table from him. “If you’ll excuse me.”

“Of course,” she told him with a smile. John calling her that afternoon and asking her to have dinner with him at his home had been quite the surprise. She’d considered making him wait, but decided against it. She’d lost her chance with him too many times because she tried to play games.

“Hello?” he said. He glanced over at Rebecca. The date was going nowhere. They had little in common, and her voice had a rather flat affect that he found annoying. She lacked emotion or conviction in much of anything. He needed a woman with passion.

“John?” Marlena whispered. Her voice was choked with emotion, as she whispered, “I–you said I could call.”

He glanced at Rebecca, and then covered the receiver. To Rebecca he said, “I’m sorry. I need to take this call in the other room.”

Rebecca watched in frustration as he walked down the hallway towards his bedroom. She wanted to scream when she heard him say, “Doc, baby… what’s wrong?”

Marlena started crying. She had no control over the emotions that were fighting their way out of her. She gasped for air, and she could hear the soft cadence of John’s voice. “Hey. Hey, Doc, honey… talk to me. Please.”

“I-I don’t know how much longer I can do this. How much more of myself I-I can put into this marriage, when Roman so obviously doesn’t want the same thing!” She wiped at her face with the back of her hand, “I’m not sure how to make this work, John.”

“Slow down your breathing, Marlena,” he whispered. “Take deep breaths and try to calm yourself down. I don’t want you to make yourself sick.”

“I’m not a child!” she gasped, and yet she felt like one. Helpless, alone, unsure. She continued to gasp for air. Feeling so out of control was never something she felt comfortable with.

“Whoa,” he cooed. “Not a child, but you’re upset. You’re very upset, and we won’t be able to discuss it if you’re all worked up. Okay? So breathe for me.” He waited for several moments, listening to her try to gather herself together. “Hey, baby…”

Marlena shuddered as she said, “Okay.”

“Okay?” he repeated. “Can you tell me what happened? I thought you had an evening planned for you and Roman?”

“I did. I had everything ready. I laid out dinner, I lit the fireplace, there were candles – he promised to be home by seven o’clock, and everything was ready. I even went shopping–” She stopped talking abruptly because what she’d been about to say was too personal.

John felt his chest tighten, and then he whispered, “You bought something to wear for him?”

“Yes.” Her voice was so soft he could barely hear her, but it felt like a caress. 

He wanted to ask her what it looked like, so he could imagine her standing in the firelight. Instead he asked her, “He was late?”

“He didn’t even call,” she cried softly. “I called the station looking for him and they said he’d left on time, and yet… he didn’t arrive home until more than two hours later. It doesn’t make sense! He barely spared me a glance. How do I compete with something I don’t understand? How do I make this marriage work all by myself? I don’t know what to do!”

John knew that the love he felt for her was obvious in his voice, but still he said, “I’m so sorry, Doc. I wish there was a way that I could help you with this or take away your pain.”

Marlena closed her eyes, and took another deep breath. “Having you to listen… that’s what I need right now. I don’t have anyone else… not really. Alice is dealing with her own family. I can’t share this with Kim, and Kayla is so far away. Maggie is– well, you know why I can’t share this with Maggie.”

John chuckled slightly, “Yeah, talking to Maggie doesn’t guarantee anonymity.”

Marlena glanced over at the dinner table. She still needed to put away the candlesticks, and the tablecloth. Her stomach rumbled with hunger but the idea of food made her feel sick. “I need to finish cleaning up.”

“Doc, where is Roman?” John asked her softly.

“He–he said he was tired, and he went up to shower. He said to me, maybe we could do this another day.” She started crying again, and found her anger growing at what she perceived as her own weakness. “Why do I allow him to do this to me? Is he trying to punish me for going to the conference this weekend?”

“Doc… honey, you are amazing. You are a wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman, and Roman… Roman is an absolute fucking fool not to see that,” John told her with emotion. “Tell me you know that. Please?”

Marlena’s tears came unbidden again, “I’m not sure I do. It’s as if I’m moving farther and farther away from who I was when I was with you. I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to fight for something that is making me so unhappy.” It was the first time she’d admitted it aloud, and it was the moment she realized exactly how true it was.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John walked out of his bedroom saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow and check on you–” He stopped short to find Rebecca trying to step away from his door. He stared at her with hard eyes. She obviously hadn’t planned on being caught. To Marlena he said quietly, “Goodbye, Doc. Goodnight.”

He disconnected the cordless phone in his hand, and he said to Rebecca, “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” she lied, glancing down quickly. “I was looking for the bathroom.”

“I don’t appreciate liars,” John told her without any sympathy. “That was a private conversation with a friend who was very upset.”

“It sounded like more,” she said, finally looking him in the eyes. If John was going to be so direct, she could be equally direct. “It sounded like you were comforting a lover. I know I asked Marlena if you perhaps felt something more for her, and she told me you were simply very good friends.”

“We are friends,” he told her, walking around her as he went back towards the main living area. He hung the telephone up, and then rubbed his hand over his hair. “Look, Rebecca, I’m tired, and I think… this isn’t really going to work out.”

“John, I don’t feel as if you’ve really given us a chance,” she said softly. “We could finish dinner, and perhaps spend some time getting to know each other.”

“Trust is really important to me,” he said. “And I don’t feel like I have that with you.”

Rebecca reluctantly picked up her coat, and her purse, “So you won’t consider perhaps–”

“ –I don’t think so,” he replied. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You say you’ll call, but I know you won’t

You say you’ll call, but I know you won’t

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: I Know You Won’t – Carrie Underwood

Chapter 27 – Guilty as Sin?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Drowning in the Blue Nile

He sent me “Downtown Lights”

I hadn’t heard it in a while

My boredom’s bone-deep

This cage was once just fine

Am I allowed to cry?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman’s breath was coming out in ragged pants, as his mouth dragged along the column of Taylor’s neck. His hands shook pushing the buttons to her uniform out one by one. “You smell so good,” he groaned. “I can’t wait to taste you.”

Her eyes closed, and her head fell back when he unfastened the clip on the front of her bra. The heat of his mouth on the sensitive flesh of her breast caused her to cry out softly.

“You’ve got to be quiet,” he whispered against her.

“Did you lock the door?” she gasped.

Roman didn’t answer her, he was so lost in the taste of her skin. He bit at her ear, “I want you so bad.”

Taylor reached for the button on his blue jeans, whispering with a teasing tone, “You’re always in such a rush, Brady. Slow down… I’m not going anywhere.”

As soon as he felt the button release, he pushed against her, and then lifted her onto his desk roughly. “I’ve got to be inside you before I lose it in my pants.”

Taylor laughed quietly, just as Bo pushed the door open to Roman’s office, saying, “You know, big brother, I think I might have a lead on that–” 

He stopped suddenly, watching in shock as his brother and his police partner scrambled away from each other, but it was too late to undo the damage. Taylor turned away from him, adjusting her bra and buttoning her uniform. Roman did the same while obviously buttoning his pants. He glanced over his shoulder, looking angry, “Shit, Bo! Don’t you fucking knock?”

Bo pushed the door closed, locking it with a quick snap. “Are you fucking serious right now? What the hell, Roman? What the fucking hell?”

Roman tried to make excuses, “It’s not what it looks–”

“ –don’t lie to me,” Bo hissed. “Don’t lie to me. How long has this been going on… oh, shit… this is why Abe called you in, McCall?” He looked at his brother, “This is why you took time off? I don’t understand it, Roman. I don’t understand it. You came back here, to Salem, and you fought to get Marlena back… to get your family back! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Bo felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He was alone, and if he had a chance to get Hope back he would spend the rest of his life devoted to her. He had spent the last year watching Marlena try and connect with Roman. Finding him in his office with Taylor half naked on the desk infuriated him.

Roman stepped towards his brother, leaving Taylor standing behind him near the other door. “Don’t say anything to Doc. I’m trying to end this thing with Taylor… I’m trying–”

She choked on a sob, and then reached for the door behind her. She couldn’t stay there and listen as Roman made excuses to Bo. Her cheeks flamed with embarrassment for having been caught, and Roman’s fear of Marlena finding out was more than she could take. She blamed herself. She had pushed him and pursued him, and this was what she deserved.

Roman turned when he heard the door slam behind him. His fists pulled at his hair, “Fuck!”

“If you were trying to end it,” Bo asked him. “Why did I just walk in on the two of you spread out over your desk? How long has this been going on?”

Roman sighed, leaning on his desk. “Since October.”

“October? That four months. Four fucking months! Isabella died in October.” Bo wasn’t sure what to do. Roman was the one he usually looked to for advice. Before Roman came back it had been John. He stared at his brother, whispering, “Marlena came home from Mexico with you, and she has spent the last year trying to connect with you. You have pushed her away at every turn, and I thought it was because you needed time. I can’t believe you’ve done this.”

“I’ve pushed her away?” Roman asked him incredulously. “I came back to my house and everyday I have to remember that she lived with him in that house. She allowed him to make love to her in that bedroom. Everytime she kisses me I think she wishes she were kissing him. Every time she whispers my name in her sleep I wonder if it’s him she’s dreaming of. Do you know what that feels like? I can’t seem to move past it, Bo!”

“Then why are you with her, Roman?” Bo yelled. “Why did you fight for her, only to come home, and make her live like this? It makes no sense!”

“What about me?” Roman roared. “All I ask from her is that she supports me and my job! But what she does is complain about how much time I spend with the children, and how often I work. She expects too much from me.”

“What about what she does?”

Roman didn’t know what to say, so instead he asked, “What do you mean?”

“She works full time. She takes care of the children, and she handles their extracurriculars. She makes sure their homework is done, she makes dinner, and she takes care of the house.” Bo stared at Roman with hard eyes, “What do you do?”

“I work! I support my family!”

Bo can’t believe how ignorant Roman is being. “Roman, she’s a doctor! She makes more money than you do, and she takes care of everything! You wouldn’t even watch the twins this weekend so she could attend the conference on MPD to help Kimmy!” 

“How do you know that?” Roman wanted to know.

“Because after you told her to make plans, I agreed to take the kids out on the boat fishing this weekend so she could go! To help our sister. Our family!” Roman was being so selfish, and Bo found himself wondering if he’d always been so selfish? “You need to decide if Marlena and the twins are your priority, because if they aren’t, it’s time to let them go.”

“They’re my family!” Roman said loudly.

Bo unlocked the door to Roman’s office, and started to open it before turning back towards him, “But they aren’t property, and right now you’re behaving as if you couldn’t care less. Think about that big brother. If you don’t tell Marlena by the middle of next week, I will.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I dream of cracking locks

Throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks

Crashing into him tonight, he’s a paradox

I’m seeing visions, am I bad?

Or mad? Or wise?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kim smiled at Marlena, and reached for her hand at the end of their afternoon session. “Do you really think your conference this weekend will help me?”

“Some of the brightest minds in MPD research will be there, and I’ve already scheduled a meeting with Dr. Milton Ferber on Sunday morning. I think this might be the most promising yet. I promise you, Kim, I will do everything in my power to help you.”

“Thank you.” Kim hugged her warmly, and then she was gone. Marlena closed the door to her office. Kim had been her last appointment of the day. 

Marlena and Roman had barely spoken to each other since Tuesday. Roman had hurt her so badly. It had been two days. The following morning they’d both gotten up for work and gone through their routine without a word. He’d grunted a barely audible “I’ll see you later,” right before he’d walked out the door. Wednesday and Thursday the twins had been there, so she had been busy with them, and they were used to having little to no interaction with Roman. 

Marlena walked across the room towards her desk. She had two hours before she was supposed to be picking up Eric, Shawn D, and Sami from school, and taking them to the pub to meet Bo. 

The thought of being home alone with Roman for the night wasn’t pleasant. Normally when he did something hurtful or insensitive, he would find a way to make it up to her. He would apologize, or make a gesture of some sort – sometimes bringing her flowers. This time there was no gesture or conversation. He was avoiding her. He wouldn’t make eye contact, and he hadn’t touched her for days. 

She sighed, remembering his behavior in the kitchen that morning. She’d been washing dishes, and he’d come up behind her to get a mug from the kitchen cabinet. Normally he would crack a joke, and then reach around her. That morning he had said, “I need to get a cup. If you’ll excuse me, Doc.” Excuse him? Was there something wrong with her? His refusal to look at her made her more suspicious, but his recent behavior added to her sense of loneliness and isolation. She was the loneliest woman in her own home.

Her interoffice telephone rang, and she pressed the intercom button. “Hello?”

Her secretary’s words were rushed, “Hello, Dr. Evans. My son’s school just called me, and he’s ill. I need to leave, and go pick him up early.”

“That’s fine,” Marlena said quietly. “I have some paperwork to finish, and then I’ll be leaving for the day as well. Do you mind locking the outside door for me?”

“Thank you, Dr. Evans,” was all Marlena heard before the phone disconnected. She sighed, and closed her eyes for a moment. She was so tired she felt herself drifting…

Paperwork was the last thing she wanted to do. She kicked her shoes off, and stood up. She had a change of clothes in her bathroom, and a soft tracksuit sounded much better than the ensemble she was currently wearing. Her soft tread sounded on the carpet as she crossed the room. She reached back, stretching her arms high in the air, and then pulled the clip that held her hair tightly in place. She took a deep breath, arching her back to shake her golden strands loose. 

Her fingers fumbled with her jacket. The fatigue she was feeling was unreal. Slipping the fabric off of her shoulders, the chill of the air on her bare skin caused her to shiver. 

“You look so beautiful,” came John’s soft voice behind her.

Marlena startled, turning to face him with a wide eyed stare. “John! How did you get in here?”

He entered the small bathroom, still wearing his black leather coat. He surrounded her with the scent of soap, cologne, and soft leather. “Your secretary let me in before she left for the day.” His fingers traced along her jaw and over her collarbone, as he whispered, “Don’t worry. I locked the door.”

She swallowed thickly, “You locked the door?”

“No one will interrupt us,” he whispered, sliding his warm palm over her satin covered abdomen. “You feel so good, baby. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long.” He leaned forward, kissing the sensitive skin on the side of her neck so softly that she could almost imagine it wasn’t real.

“I don’t understand,” she whimpered helplessly. Her head rolled giving him access as his tongue licked over the pulse point under her chin.

“Shhhh,” he cooed. His fingers laced in the waves of her blonde hair, and she groaned when she felt the sting of his fingers pulling it. 

She was forced to stare up at him, and she was lost in the blue depths of his eyes. Her eyes started to close, as he leaned towards her. All she wanted was his moist lips on hers. Softly, she begged, “John… please…”

Marlena’s eyes opened, and she took a deep breath. “Oh, G-d! What am I doing? I can’t do this!” Standing up quickly, she adjusted her skirt and her jacket, and then placed her cool hands on her warm cheeks in an attempt to subdue the heat there. “I can’t be doing this! Fantasies are dangerous. Dangerous.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What if he’s written “mine” on my upper thigh only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh, what a way to die

I keep recalling things we never did

Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Four hours later she’d had dinner with the twins and said goodbye to them at the pub. The weather report had changed so Bo had decided they would split their time between the boat and the pub. A winter storm was expected, a combination of rain, ice, and snow. Marlena only hoped that it wouldn’t hinder her morning flight out of Salem. Her luggage was packed and sitting by the front door. 

Rolling her shoulders she started to remove her clothes. All she wanted was a shower, and some sleep. She sighed, reaching into her dresser. Underneath her undergarments she felt around until she pulled out the white bandana. Touching the soft cotton, she remembered her honeymoon with John. She’d tied it around her head in an attempt to keep her hair from tangling in the wind. John had insisted on a convertible for the drive, and while it was amazing driving under the moonlight, he’d laughed at her bandana the whole time. 

She unwrapped it slowly, and saw the two photos she kept hidden inside. She should put them somewhere else. It was too easy to find where she had them, and yet there were times when she felt loneliest, that those pictures filled her up with a warmth inside. They replaced the coldness that had come to live there. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel his breath on her lips, or his hands firmly on her waist. It had been a random stop at a roadside souvenir shop, but those photos were irreplaceable. Marlena folded the bandana around them again, and tucked them back underneath her delicates. 

Inside her shower, she rinsed the last of the soap from her body, and closed her eyes with a sigh as the rising steam surrounded her body. The heated water streamed over her skin as Marlena tipped her face to it. Her abdomen clenched as she thought about her earlier fantasy in her office. Pushing her hands up the length of her body she cupped her breasts, and pulled at her nipples with a soft moan. Just as quickly, she dropped her hands, and turned the water off. “I’ve got to stop this.”

How was it possible to remember so clearly what John’s skin felt like sliding against her naked body? She could still feel the calluses on his palms as they scraped over her sensitive skin. She stepped out of the shower and dried off her body, but she was too far gone. He center ached, and her mind flooded her with images she couldn’t escape. Allowing herself to fantasize about John was a dangerous road to travel, and yet she had a sinking feeling she couldn’t turn around. Laying back on her bed, her eyes closed with a soft sigh, and her hand tugged at the belt to her robe.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I keep these longings locked

In lowercase, inside a vault

Someone told me there’s no such thing as bad thoughts

Only your actions talk 

These fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath

Taking all of me, we’ve already done it in my head

If it’s make-believe

Why does it feel like a vow we’ll both uphold somehow?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A mix of freezing rain and ice clung to Marlena’s hair as she hung up the telephone in her bedroom. A loud clap of thunder thirty minutes earlier had been followed by the house going dark. Marlena considered that her punishment for allowing herself to come on her own hand while she pictured John eating her out. G-d had to be punishing her. She stared at the phone in frustration. Roman was on a stakeout. “Of course he is,” she said in frustration. She shook the melting ice from her hair. She’d spent the last twenty minutes attempting to get the generator started to no avail. Slowly, she started to peel her freezing wet clothing from her icy skin. She would simply start a fire in the fireplace, and sleep on the couch. There would be no heat in the house until the electric returned, or Roman came home.

Her thick cotton robe provided additional warmth, but she was still freezing as she made her way downstairs, and towards the fireplace. It took several fumbles, and some swearing before she was able to get a fire started. John and Roman always made it seem so simple. She stared into the flames, warming her hands. She was going to have to make a decision about Roman. She took a deep breath. She felt like she did that a lot recently. As if she held so much stress and tension in her body that she forgot to breathe. Her wedding anniversary to Roman was coming up on Monday. Her flight home wasn’t scheduled until Tuesday. Perhaps she could return a day early and surprise him?

The doorbell rang just as another loud clap of thunder shook the house. Marlena turned, staring at the door. It was pitch black outside, and after nine o’clock. Who could be at her door? Next came a loud knock, followed by John’s voice, “Hey, Doc. It’s me.”

“John?” She was surprised as she rushed towards the front door. She pulled it open, and a gust of wind swept in, pushing her still wet curls back from her face. Pulling her robe more tightly around her, she stared up at him, “What are you doing here?”

“Are you going to invite me in?” he asked her with a chuckle. “Or leave standing out here?”

“Oh! Yes, yes… yes, come in.” She stepped back, still staring at him as if he had materialized from the ether.

“Abe called me,” he said, brushing the ice from his hair. “He said Roman is on a stakeout, and with the electrical outages, he asked me to check on you.”

Her eyes looked down, as she said, “Oh, well… the electric is out, but I started a fire, and I was planning to sleep on the couch.”

“Do you still have the generator?” he asked her.

“I do,” she laughed. Then gesturing down at herself she said, “But as you can tell…after twenty minutes of fighting with it, I gave up.”

John finally noticed her wet curls, and the deep blue robe she had wrapped around her. He couldn’t help but wonder what she had on underneath it, or if she had anything on underneath it? He shook his head slightly, freeing his mind of his train of thought, and then he leaned and kissed her cheek quickly, saying, “Well, pretty lady, it’s lucky for you that Salem’s finest has sent me here to check on you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What if he’s written “mine” on my upper thigh only in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh, what a way to die

My bedsheets are ablaze, I’ve screamed his name

Building up like waves crashing over my grave

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stared at the maintenance sticker on the generator in frustration. September 1991. The last time it had been serviced was when he lived there. It was no wonder it wouldn’t start. He sighed glancing over the rust and corrosion on the engine. The fuel cans he’d always kept on standby were empty, and no one had bothered to refill them. He could imagine that Roman had used it for the lawn mower, and then never bothered to replace it. He couldn’t get angry. It wasn’t his house anymore. A sharp breeze blew into the shed, blasting him with another mix of freezing rain and stinging ice. He was soaked. He’d been out there for more than fifteen minutes fighting to start the generator before he’d noticed the missing gas. There was nothing he could do. Digging around in the back of the shed, he found the kerosene heater he and the kids had used for camping, and the large metal can of fuel. That would work.

Marlena was waiting for him when he came into the house carrying everything. She had another robe in her arms that he recognized as one of his old ones, and for a brief moment he wondered where she’d been hiding that. “Oh, John! You’re soaked! You must be freezing!”

He glanced around. Water dripped from his wet hair, and the only light in the room was a flashlight that Marlena had standing up on the kitchen counter. A circle of light shone on the ceiling. The shadows it cast over her features pulled at him for a moment, before he said, “The generator is shot, Doc. It hasn’t been serviced since September of ‘91, and it wouldn’t matter anyway. The gas cans are empty. But, I pulled the kerosene heater out of the back of the shed, and there’s enough fuel for a couple of days.”

“That’s fine. That’s fine,” she said distractedly. Shoving the robe towards him, she said, “Here. Put this on, and I can throw your clothes in the dryer.”

“I’m fine, Doc. I’ll be fine,” he told her. Marlena handling his clothes while he sat around in a bathrobe was too personal. It was too domestic. “I can get the heater set up in the bedroom or down here if you prefer–”

“ –give me the clothes, John.” She held the robe towards him, and stared at him as if there would be no changing her mind. 

Looking around he took the robe, and then walked towards the laundry room in the rear of the kitchen. Marlena watched him as he went and her abdomen clenched. Not even two hours earlier her fingers had been buried between her legs, and she’d been calling his name. She followed him, watching as he shook the water from his hair, and then took his coat off. His back was towards her, and she knew she shouldn’t be watching him. She needed to turn and walk away, but she couldn’t. She stood in the doorway of the laundry room watching John disrobe like a voyeur. 

He felt her eyes on him before he turned around. Placing his sweater and t-shirt on top of the dryer, he reached for the button of his jeans, while he kicked his boots off. He fought an internal battle with himself. Pretend he had no idea she was watching him, or turn around so that he could see her face. As much as he wanted to see her face, to see if she was as aroused as he was, he didn’t. He couldn’t. Leaning over, he started to push his jeans, and his boxers over his hips. He wasn’t ashamed of his body, and he certainly wasn’t going to hide it from Marlena. If she wanted to watch, he wanted her to watch.

She couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped her when the thin cotton of his boxers slid under his rounded bottom. John already knew she was observing him. She’d noticed when he’d paused with his fingers on the button of his jeans. He’d known, and still he’d allowed her eyes to trail over his skin as it was bared to her inch by inch in the dim light. She was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. His body was something she knew every curve of, every angle was memorized under her finger tips. Stepping into the room, she reached for him, trailing her fingers over the phoenix tattoo permanently etched into his skin.

John stopped his movement, almost frozen as his rough voice came over his shoulder. A warning, a plea. He wasn’t sure which one, “Marlena…” 

“This scared me the first time I saw it,” she whispered. His skin was chilly under her warm fingers.

Still refusing to turn around, he reached for the robe he’d laid on top of the washing machine. “Does it scare you now?” he asked her. Her hand dropped, and he quickly put the robe on, tying the waist tightly. 

“No. It doesn’t scare me.” John turned to face her, and he felt his chest tighten at her proximity. She stared up at him, allowing her feelings to spill out of her. “Nothing about you scares me… except the way you make me feel sometimes.”

“I make you feel things?” he asked her with a small smile. 

Marlena made a move to walk away as she said, “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You make me feel things, Doc.” He reached for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. He held her near him, and he whispered, “Things I’m not supposed to be feeling for a married woman.” 

He reached out, cupping her cheek. Marlena tipped her face into it. It had been so long since she’d been touched with any type of affection. That’s why John’s thumb brushing the side of her mouth at his home had put her in the state she was currently in. She’d been fantasizing about him ever since. She’d been remembering their life together, and comparing it to the life she was living, when there was no real comparison. 

Lifting his other hand, he trailed his index finger over her collarbone. Her robe had fallen open slightly, exposing her skin. His voice sounded gravelly, as he whispered, “I find myself wondering if you have anything on underneath this robe.”

“John.” She swallowed, feeling that her throat was suddenly dry. “We can’t… I can’t have this conversation.” She turned around, opening the dryer, and she shoved his wet clothes inside, setting the timer for an hour. 

Stepping up behind her, he pressed his body against her. His palm settled on her hip, “Just answer me, and I’ll step away. Give me something to think about when I’m at home, alone in my bed. Are you naked under there, Doc?”

The noise of the dryer filled the room, and Marlena gasped softly, “Yes.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, reining in his impulse to turn her around, then he stepped back. “I’m going to go set up the kerosene heater in the living room.”

As his soft footsteps left the room, she fell against the dryer allowing her head to fall forward. “Oh, G-d!” He hadn’t kissed her. He’d barely touched her, yet her sheets upstairs were rumpled from her fantasies, and her body felt like he had branded her as his.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What if I roll the stone away?

They’re gonna crucify me anyway

What if the way you hold me is actually what’s holy?

If long-suffering propriety is what they want from me

They don’t know how you’ve haunted me so stunningly

I choose you and me religiously

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When John left, Marlena was asleep on the couch. They’d talked for the hour it took his clothes to dry, and then when he’d been reluctant to leave they’d talked for an hour more. He’d watched with rapt fascination as her eyes had grown heavy, and she snuggled deeper into the couch. Her hair spread around her like the halo of an angel. He reached out, lifting a curl and watching it twirl around his finger. He’d been trying to fight it, but he was in love with her. There was no longer any doubt in his mind, and Marlena was starting to feel something for him. He knew it. His heart had skipped a beat when he covered her with a blanket, and she’d whispered, “Don’t leave me yet.”

“You have an early flight,” he’d told her. “And I should be gone when Roman gets home.” It was nearing midnight. Leaning over her, he couldn’t stop himself from placing the softest kiss on her lips. Marlena’s eyes had fluttered as she’d looked up at him, and once more he’d kissed her as he eyes fluttered closed. “Good night, baby.”

After checking that the fire was low in the hearth, and checking that the kerosene can was at least five feet away from the heater, he’d locked her front door behind him. There was no reason to stay, even though he could come up with a million arguments. He realized it was the perfect time to leave as he was pulling out of the driveway. That was when he saw Roman driving towards the house.

Roman recognized John’s Jeep immediately, and sped up as he turned into his driveway. Twisting his body around in the driver’s seat, he watched John’s tail lights disappear around the corner. Inside he was fuming. When he’d gotten back to the station he’d found a message from Abe saying he’d had John go check on Marlena. It was justified. It was reasonable. And yet, there was a part of Roman that felt like Abe was trying to sabotage him, even as another part of him thought it was simply a manifestation of his own guilt.

He entered the house to find his wife curled up asleep on the couch, and her luggage sitting next to the front door. A blanket had been lovingly placed over her, and the fire in the hearth was banked. John had managed to bring the kerosene heater in from the shed. John had done everything a husband should have done. Again, Roman felt like he was getting his life wrong. He was making mistakes. He shouldn’t have been at Taylor’s apartment arguing with her, while his wife needed him, but that’s what he’d been doing. John had swept in and taken care of Marlena, while Roman had failed once again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What if he’s written “mine” on my upper thigh on in my mind?

One slip and falling back into the hedge maze

Oh, what a way to die

I keep recalling things we never did

Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts

Without ever touching his skin

How can I be guilty as sin?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Guilty as Sin? – Taylor Swift

Chapter 28 – Darling It’s Over

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don’t know where to go from here

But I’m tired of trying to make it right

Things just haven’t been the same between us

I was waiting for the smoke to clear

Hoping we would see the light

But all I feel is the space between us

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The house was silent as Marlena pushed through the front door carrying her luggage. She’d taken an earlier flight from Boston to surprise Roman on their wedding anniversary in a last ditch effort to reconnect with him. She closed the door against another gust of wind, and then brushed the rain from her coat. Another storm was pushing its way through the area, and her flight had almost been cancelled. The landing had been rough, but she made it in one piece. She shrugged out of her coat, and glanced around with a smile. The lights were dimmed, and the table was set for a romantic dinner with taper candles and fine China. 

Marlena smiled, as tears welled in her eyes. Her hand covered her mouth as she was overcome with emotion, “How did he know I would be here?” Then she remembered her conversation with Bo before she left and she realized he must have said something to Roman. He must have mentioned her coming home early. So it wasn’t a surprise for Roman, it had become a surprise for her. She should have known Bo would tell him. When she’d mentioned coming home early as a surprise his eyes had changed for a moment. 

She could hear the shower upstairs, and headed in that direction. She could surprise him in the shower at least, and maybe, just maybe, they could find a way to reconnect. Just before she turned to ascend the stairs she noticed a jacket on the back of the couch. It was a police issue, uniform jacket. Roman didn’t wear those anymore. Not since he’d made detective. Running her fingers over the dark blue fabric, she flipped it over, and saw the name McCall. A sense of unease settled deep in her belly. Why was Taylor McCall’s jacket there? She would need that. It was bitterly cold outside, and combined with the rain it was nearly hypothermic. Ascending the stairs slowly, she approached her bedroom with caution. A growing sense of dread and understanding started to coalesce. Something didn’t feel right, and that was confirmed when she entered her bedroom to find the bed in disarray, and the floor scattered with clothing. Not just Roman’s clothing but women’s clothing. A police uniform to be precise. Nausea rolled through her, and she closed her eyes as she stood frozen in the middle of the room. The scent of perfume and sex surrounded her, and she knew. 

For the second time since she’d arrived home, her hand covered her mouth to silence her emotion. Underneath her palm she sobbed. It all made sense. Roman’s late nights at work. Her inability to reach him during emergencies. His refusal to call back, and his defensiveness. All those times he had accused her of inappropriateness with John when the whole it had been his own guilt eating away at him. While she had been working to save their marriage, Roman had given up months ago.

Marlena thought about Bo’s reaction to her early return, and suddenly she saw it in a completely different light. He knew. He knew that Roman was having an affair, and he hadn’t said anything. She stood there helplessly, listening to the water run in the shower, and she played over everything in the last few months. Roman’s unexpected time off from work. Did Abe know? Roman taking time off was so out of character, but if it was forced because of an investigation… She closed her eyes, feeling lightheaded. How could she be so dumb? So naive? She’d been fighting her growing feelings for John over the past month, and the guilt had nearly killed her. Roman had never been invested in their marriage since he’d returned from Mexico. He’d proven that over and over again, and still she’d pushed forward telling herself he was adjusting from his time with Stefano. What a fool she’d been! What a damned fool!

A thud sounded in the bathroom, and without thought, she was walking towards it. The door was already slightly ajar, and with a small push it easily opened. Marlena stood in the doorway watching the silhouettes behind the frosted glass shower door, and her heart broke. Memories of Don telling her about his affair with Liz accosted her. The pain she’d felt, and the treachery. Don’s affair had left her feeling as if she wasn’t good enough. Now Roman. But there was nothing left to do. It was over. There was no way Roman could ever fix this, because the image of him in the shower with another woman was permanently etched in her mind, and she would never fight for something that was irreparably broken.

She heard a soft feminine sigh as Roman held onto the other woman’s hips and pushed his hardened cock against her abdomen with a growl. Marlena could hear his rough voice, as his head fell forward to rest against the woman he was with. “Fuck, I shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Don’t stop.” It was Taylor McCall. Marlena felt sick. 

 She turned quickly, and  bumped into the doorway, letting out a soft gasp. She had to get out of there. Her whole world was falling apart and just like the last time, she was overcome. She knew Taylor. She’d worked with her, and considered her a friend. Just like Liz, it felt like the worst form of betrayal. Tears streamed down her face as she rushed down the stairs. It was only when she reached the bottom that she allowed the first wracking sob to escape her. Nothing could have stopped her as she strode across the room snatching up the wine glasses that sat on the hearth. With a shriek of pain she hurled them into the fireplace, and then grabbing her coat and her purse, she ran from the house and back out into the raging storm. She had no idea where she was going, but she wasn’t going to stay there and face Roman’s excuses.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Darling it’s over

Darling it’s over

There’s a million reasons why

I mean G-d knows we tried

But darling it’s over

Darling it’s over

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A mixture of rain and snow pelted her car as she pulled out of the driveway. At five o’clock in the evening the sky was already dark. She wiped at her tears in frustration. She shouldn’t be crying at all. She should be raging, and roaring. She should be inside her home breaking more than just the wine glasses. Instead, she’d fled the scene in a blind panic. She could still see Roman’s hands as they gripped Taylor’s hips. She couldn’t get the image of Taylor’s bowed back, and Roman’s leaning frame. Marlena finally allowed her emotions to escape – another shriek, and a sob of pain, “Oh, G-d!” 

The music was loud and the arcade games added to the chaos, and yet Marlena couldn’t help but smile that Roman had chosen to bring her there for their first date. It was so different from anything she knew. She shrugged out of her coat, and settled herself in a chair, glancing around with wide excited eyes. When Roman slid the pizza in front of her, she gushed, “Ooooh! It smells wonderful!”

He stood across from her, taking his own coat off, and he asked her, “Oh, uh, do you like anchovies?”

“She started to pull a piece off of the corner, and glanced up at him, “I hate anchovies!”

“Oh, good,” he said as he sat down, “because there is everything on this pizza except the kitchen sink and anchovies. Dig in.” 

He reached for his own slice of pizza, and Marlena, with her mouth full, replied, “I love your idea of dinner.”

He took a bite, and in a muffled voice, he asked, “What? The food or the games?”

“It’s just fun,” she laughed, looking around at all of the people. It was so vastly different from other dates she’d been on where men tried to wine and dine her.

“It does kind of work out the kinks.” He smiled at her, “Well, whenever I’ve had a real bear of a day, I’ll come by here and shoot down a few planes or blow up some tanks… makes me feel like a new man.”

Marlena’s laughter escaped her in a loud hoot, and she was surprised. It felt like she hadn’t laughed in so long. She pointed her finger at him, saying, “I’d like to analyze that, but not right now.”

Roman threw his hands up, “No. No, no, no. No shop talk. Right?–”

Still laughing, she said “ –no shop talk.”

Her vision was so clouded with her own tears that she had to pull over. She couldn’t continue driving in horrible weather, while her eyes were clouded with tears. How could Roman do that to her? How could he force his way back into her life and treat her with such disregard? He’d brought Taylor McCall into their home, and into their bed. She didn’t understand it, and as hard as she tried, she was still blaming herself. Had she failed him somehow? Had she neglected him? He’d certainly told her that enough times over the last year. Clinically, she knew none of it was true. She’d never done anything to deserve what he’d just done to her. She’d put her all into helping him adjust, and he hadn’t recognized any of it.

She sat back, unable to do much more than sink into the hospital bed behind her. “Oh, Roman. I’m so tired.”

He wiped the sweat from her face, telling her gently, “That’s okay. You know you have a right to be tired, but you’re doing fine. Can I tell you something though, Doc?” She gasped softly, trying to catch her breath from the last contraction, and she turned her face to look at him, as he said, “I’m sorry that you have to go through all this. I know I’m not supposed to say that, but I have to. It’s just that I wish I could do more for you… I love you so much.

She started crying. She felt like she had nothing left to give, but still she smiled at him, and reached for his arm. They were starting a family. “I love you too… Roman? Can I have some more ice?”

“Sure. Sure. Hang on.” He grabbed another ice chunk, and then said to her, “Here you go. Open up.”

Marlena opened her mouth, and sighed when the frozen chunk hit her tongue. With a soft sigh she closed her eyes. It felt amazing. 

Trying to distract her from the pain, he said, “Hey, do you remember when we went on our honeymoon? When we went skiing? Yeah?”

“Oh, it was so cool,” she whispered, remembering the way the snow stung as it hit her cheeks. “I remember it was cool.” She started to breathe deeper as the pain of an oncoming contraction started to increase.

“Do you remember the mountains? How high up we went, and the wind blowing through the trees, the snow on the ground? Do you remember that?”

“Uh-huh,” she said. Growing up in Colorado she’d learned how to ski at a young age, but for Roman she’d pretended to have no idea. “I remember. You tried to teach me how to ski.”

“Try?” he asked her. “What do you mean? You were great!”

A soft smile crossed her face, “You were wonderful. You were so patient.”

“Yeah, well you just wait till the snow comes this year. We’re going to take the whole family. The twins, Carrie… we’re gonna go up there skiing, and you’ll have one of the twins on your back, and I’ll put one on mine! We’ll put Carrie in between, huh? How’s that sound?”

He was trying so hard to keep her spirits up. Marlena smiled, “I’ll put one on my back.”

“I know, I still can’t believe… it’s gonna be a little while, a little while… we are gonna see these little guys in here.” He glanced at her rounded abdomen as if he were still in shock.

Marlena took a deep breath, and winced in pain, “In a while… oh, Roman, my back!”

The rain started to come down heavier, and Marlena still sat on the side of the road with her hazard lights blinking. Her memories of her life with Roman were coming at her, one right after the other. There was joy, and fear, mixed with sadness and pain, and she wasn’t sure what to do with any of it. She leaned forward, resting her head on the steering wheel, and she allowed her tears to fall.

Marlena threw herself against Roman with a sob. Wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, she cried, “Promise you’re coming home!”

Roman’s softly whispered words echoed in her ears, “I promise. I promise.”

But something in her soul felt wrong. As if, once he walked out the door, she wouldn’t be seeing him again. “And promise me you’ll be so careful! That’s crazy, I know!”

“It’s very human,” he said softly.

“Why am I feeling so human?” Her tears were uncontrollable, and she could feel the fabric of his jacket as she clenched it, so afraid to let go. “Roman, I’m missing you so much!”

“Shhh,” he cooed. Pulling back, he cupped her face gently. “You know the real reason you’re missing me, huh? The fact of the matter is, you’re going to miss me because you’re going to have to take care of all those two a.m. feedings by yourself,” he said in a teasing tone.

“Do you have any idea how much I love you?” she sobbed.

He wiped the tears from her face with his thumbs, and he whispered, “I have a pretty good idea.”

Roman had left her that day, and she didn’t see him again until he’d shot John, and she’d passed out in the jungle of San Cristobal. Roman had come back to her a different man – angry, bitter, possessive, and dismissive. Marlena wasn’t sure if he’d wanted her and the children back in his life because he loved them or because somehow, over those seven years with Stefano, he had come to view them as possessions. Either way. It was over.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We can keep making excuses

But we both know what the truth is

I know we’ve been through almost everything

And it hurts to see us grow apart

But on our own we can both be better

And I know this is the hardest thing

I will always hold you in my heart

Sometimes good things don’t last forever

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John watched the storm rage around him through the floor to ceiling glass walls that surrounded his back porch. He considered it one of the best investments he’d put into the house. A fire burned in the hearth, and there was a certain peacefulness to the night, although many would likely disagree with him. He stared at the freshly opened bottle of bourbon in front of him. He hadn’t had a drink since the night he slept with Haley. He knew he didn’t make the best choices when he was drunk, but Brady was with Victor, and there was no chance of him finding trouble on his own. 

Leaning forward he poured a fair amount into a crystal glass and stared at it for a moment. Ice pelted the walls around him, tiny pings of sound breaking through the crackle of the fire. He whispered in the empty room, “I took my wedding ring off tonight, Izzy-B. Not because Victor suggested it, but because my mind drifts to Marlena more often than it should, and well… I guess that meant it was time, you know?”

He took a long swallow from the glass in his hand, and closed his eyes as it burned its way down his throat. “I spent all day at home, trying to keep my mind on other things, but I have to stop lying to myself. Every single improvement I make on this house… I do it with Marlena in mind. I imagine a home here with her and the twins and… fuck, that feels so wrong of me, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t tell you. I love her. I’m not sure I ever stopped loving her, and maybe… maybe you knew that. I suppose it would have caused problems if you hadn’t died so soon.” 

John rubbed his hand over his face, “I shouldn’t even say that. Saying it out loud makes me seem like such an ass, and I hate that. I hate that for me, for you, and for Doc… I do love her though. I think I might love her more now than I ever have.”

He finished the bourbon in his glass and then immediately refilled it. Swirling the amber liquid around, he sighed. Maybe he wouldn’t dream of Marlena all night if he was drunk out of his mind. Closing his eyes, he muttered, “Maybe, I won’t wake up tasting her on my lips…” He opened his eyes, and then let his head fall back against the couch cushion behind him, “How is that even possible? To wake up with the taste of her on me so clearly that I could swear she’d been in my bedroom?”

He reached for his cock, pushing down on it to try and relieve some of the pressure building there. No amount of sawing, nailing, painting, or pounding on a punching bag was helping. Rolling his shoulders he felt the ache that had settled there. He’d been working his feelings for Marlena out in every physical way he could, and all he had was sore muscles, and the fact that he was still aroused. He wanted her. He wanted her so badly he’d spent half the day with a semi hard cock. He’d finally given up and jerked one off in the shower before coming outside to talk to himself. “I’m a mess, Izzy-B. A fucking mess. I’m in love with my ex-wife, and sitting outside getting drunk in a storm while I discuss it with my dead wife. I suppose if you were here you’d be laughing at me. What a fool I am, huh?”

He sat up, and drank down the bourbon, enjoying the burn. Fuck that felt good. His mind was starting to feel hazy, as he whispered to himself, “If Doc were here…”

Allowing his head to fall again, he sighed, saying, “Once in Doc’s office… oh, I remember…” He wasn’t sure who he was talking to anymore as his mind took over.

He stood across the room from her, watching her stare at him from where she stood in front of her desk. Flipping the lock on the door he whispered, “I have thirty five minutes before I have to be back at work.” She reached for her glasses, intending to remove them, and he said roughly, “Keep them on, but I want everything else off… except the heels and the stockings. The glasses, stockings, and the heels stay on.”

He knew she was nervous. Her chest rose and fell with her rapid breathing, and her eyes were almost unblinking. The old version of himself hadn’t been as demanding sexually, but since he’d come back lacking most of his memories, Marlena said he was different. There were times when he couldn’t reconcile who he was then with who he’d become. Marlena said that happened sometimes. That amnesiacs developed different personality traits. Where before he’d been demanding in their daily lives, he was now demanding in the most private moments of their lives. Marlena no longer balked at his need for control – not in the bedroom. In the bedroom she welcomed it. She craved it.

Softly she stared at him with wide eyes. They’d never made love in her office, and she knew that’s why he was there. “Roman?”

“Time is ticking, Doc. I’m waiting,” he said in a rough, demanding voice. He watched as her body trembled before him. Her fingers fumbled on the buttons of her jacket. She shook as she slipped it from her shoulders to lay over the edge of her desk. The rasp of the zipper on her skirt filled the room, and still his eyes were riveted on her every move. She pushed it over her hips with a little wiggle and placed it neatly over her jacket. He watched in rapt fascination as her nipples pebbled underneath the satin of her beige lace edged teddy. He could see the moisture seeping from her center had darkened the fabric between her legs, and he nearly growled as he said, “Faster baby.”

It was exactly what she wanted. In their darkened room the night before they’d discussed their fantasies. Things they wanted, but they never asked for. Marlena wanted sex in her office, but it was more than that. She wanted to be dominated in her office, and he was more than willing to give her that. With no warning he’d shown up, and her body was instantly responding. He stepped closer, staring at the wet fabric at the apex of her thighs. “Are your thighs damp, Marlena?”

Her fingers shook as she removed the thin strap holding her teddy in place. As her breast was exposed, she whispered, “Yes.”

Glancing at his watch he said, “Thirty minutes.” Her hazel eyes held his, and she let the satin fall to the floor in a pool around her sensible pink pumps. “Do you remember what you asked for last night?”

She nodded her head, saying, “I do.”

“Turn around, baby, and spread your legs,” he growled, fumbling with the button on his jeans. “I’m about to give you exactly what you asked for.” She’d been so specific – her naked, wearing her heels and her stockings – him fully clothed, with just his cock out. He would give her what she wanted, “Lay forward, and show me that amazing ass.” 

She gasped, “Oh, G-d! Roman!” Turning around, she tipped her hips in invitation as she pressed her breasts against the cool varnished wood of her desk.

His thumb rubbed over the crease of her ass, and she moaned, pushing back against him. Without preamble, he slid into her soft wet sex, as he rubbed the pad of his thumb over her anus, and leaned his body weight against her. Biting her ear, he growled, “I’m going to destroy you, and then I’m going to do it again when I get home tonight.”

“Roman! Roman!” she cried.

John’s eyes opened, and he roared, “Fuck!” as he pulled his cock free of his sweatpants. He was swollen and throbbing as he slowly stroked his fist over his length. He was going to destroy himself, and getting drunk was probably the worst idea. Getting drunk meant he couldn’t stop the memories, He didn’t want to. Pulling at his dick, he let his head fall back. Closing his eyes again, he moaned, “Fucking hell, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Darling it’s over

Darling it’s over

There’s a million reasons why

I mean G-d knows we tried

But darling it’s over

Darling it’s over

We can keep making excuses

But we both know what the truth is

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Once Roman reached the bottom of the stairs, he knew it was over. His marriage would never recover. Marlena’s bag sat next to the front door, which wasn’t even closed. The carpet just inside was saturated with rainwater, and a buildup of ice. “Shit.” He pushed his hands through his hair roughly. He started to shake, feeling that familiar tremble in his muscles. There would be no fixing it, and as much as that scared him, he knew he didn’t deserve her forgiveness. He never would. 

He stared at the broken wine glasses in and around the hearth. They were destroyed just like he’d torched his life. Where would she go? The storm outside was raging, and driving was dangerous. He could only imagine how upset she was when she left. Stalking across the room, he laid his hand on the telephone. But who would he call? With a shaky hand, he dialed the pub, and sighed when Bo answered. “Have you seen, Doc?”

“Marlena?” Bo asked. “She’s scheduled to come back tomorrow.”

“She came home early,” was all he said in response. “Have you–have you seen her?”

“She came home early?” Bo had a sinking suspicion that Roman was leaving things out, “What aren’t you telling me?”

“Taylor was here,” Roman said softly. “I didn’t know… I just found the front door open, and Doc’s bag near the door–”

“G-d dammit, Roman!” Bo shouted, just as Roman disconnected the line. He couldn’t listen to Bo right then. Whatever he had to say was most likely the truth, and Roman deserved much worse, but he simply couldn’t take it right then.

“Roman?” Taylor asked him quietly.

“You need to leave, Taylor. I’ve just shot my whole marriage to hell, and you can’t be here if Marlena comes home.” His chest was so tight he could barely breathe. Turning to face her, he said softly, “I care about you. I do. If I’m forced to face it, I probably love you, but what I’ve done to Marlena… There’s no forgiveness for that. You need to leave right now.”

Dialing John’s number, he waited. It rang nearly five times before he heard John’s voice, “Hullo?”

“John? It’s Roman,” he said quickly. “Look, Doc came home early, but she must have left. Have you seen her?”

John blinked his eyes several times, and then glanced at the bay window towards his driveway. He was still in the midst of a drunken, sex addled haze. The weather was atrocious. “Why would she be out in this weather?”

“I was in the shower,” Roman replied. “I must have missed her.”

“That doesn’t make sense… It’s your anniversary. She probably came home early to surprise you–” John was quiet for a moment, trying to get his drunken thoughts together. Something was wrong. Roman’s story didn’t make sense. “You did something,” John said with a dawning realization. “She wouldn’t have left in this weather unless she was upset… what did you do?”

“It was just a misunderstanding,” Roman muttered. He wanted to disappear into the floor of his house. His anniversary. He’d completely forgotten, and yet John Black knew.

“Well, I’ll tell you this much… if she were here I wouldn’t tell ya, and if she shows up… I won’t be callin’ you.” Roman stared at the telephone in his hand as John hung up on him.

“Shit,” he said. Taylor was coming down the stairs. She’d obviously been crying. He’d done that. It was possible that he’d destroyed Marlena and Taylor in one fell swoop. Pulling his jacket out of the closet, he said roughly, “I’ve got to go look for Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Darling it’s too late

I’m sorry it’s too late

It’s over

Darling it’s over

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rain had slowed, and Marlena eased her car back on the road. Of all the places she could go, and all the people she could see, she found herself on the road driving towards John’s house. His blue eyes, and his warm embrace was all she could think of. She pushed her wet hair back from her face, and tried to wipe the tears from her face again, but it was no use. She couldn’t stop crying, and maybe she wouldn’t until she was in John’s arms. She didn’t want to question too hard why she was going there. She told herself she needed a friend, but it was more than that. 

“…all the while I was John Black, I kept trying to find out who I really was… and now I know, and I feel more like John Black than anybody,” he told her. 

Marlena shivered, wrapping herself up in her own arms. She could hear the pain in his voice and it pulled at her heart. She would freeze to death if she didn’t allow him to hold her. She turned to him in frustration, “You know what?” She paused, and then her voice softened, “I feel the same way. I feel like you’re more John Black than you are Stefano too–”

“ –I was hoping you’d say that.”

“It doesn’t change anything!” she shouted.

“Doesn’t it?” he asked her desperately. He reached for her, his fingers against her shoulder so gentle as he whispered, “Couldn’t I… just be John Black for one night?”

“I don’t know, I–”

“ –look, it’s going to be a long, cold night. If you won’t let me hold you, let John Black.” She stared at him fighting with herself, as he said, “Because if you don’t, you might freeze, and I don’t want that to happen.” She turned away from him as he eased up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. When he reached for her arm, she relaxed into him, because there was no stopping her body from what she wanted, even if her mind tried to fight it.

She punched the steering wheel, causing her horn to honk loudly into the silent night. “Fuck you!” she screamed. “Fuck you, Roman Brady! Fuck you!” The skin on her knuckles split, and she started crying again. She’d trusted him. She’d trusted him, and she’d been blaming herself for all of their failings over the last year. It was unfair. All of it, and all she could think was that John would have never hurt her the way Roman had. The way Don had. 

“What am I doing?” he asked her. He laid out the candles, and the champagne glasses as she watched him with curious eyes. His arrival at her hospital room in a tuxedo was surprising enough. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

She laughed, “I don’t have a clue.” 

“I am setting a scene,” he told her. “Or creating a mood, if you will.” 

“It seems like quite a production to me.” She jumped when the cork popped on the champagne bottle. She couldn’t help her chuckle as Roman sucked the foam that burst from the bottle. 

She glanced towards the door, “I think I heard a champagne cork.”

“Oh, nothing wrong with you, Doc.” He poured champagne in the glasses he’d brought. 

“You can’t bring champagne into a hospital,” she told him in a teasing tone. He was so beautiful. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine gliding his jacket off of his shoulders.

“Well, I only break the rules when it is absolutely necessary, and… believe me, this is absolutely necessary, because… you and I are celebrating.” He lifted the glasses and walked them towards her bed. Handing one to her, he tapped their glasses, and then took a sip as he sat down beside her. 

“And?” she asked him. “What are we celebrating?”

Pulling a black velvet box from his pocket, he whispered, “This.”

“Oh! My ring! I’ve been wanting to have it on again!” She reached for it, and Roman pulled it back.

“Oh, no, no, no,” he said, withholding it from her. “Not so fast, Doc. First you have to answer a question.”

“Alright.”

He laughed nervously, “You know… you’d think this would be easier the second time around… I love you. You know that.”

“I love you too,” she said softly. 

“Good.” He swallowed, “Then, marry me… again.”

She stared at him in surprise, “Oh, honey! Oh!”

“I want an old fashioned wedding. I want a church wedding. I want bells, and rice, and flowers, and the Twinners dressed up behind carrying your train… will you do it? Will you marry me again?”

Marlena parked her car in John’s driveway, just as the rain picked up again. It would turn to ice overnight, and Marlena knew she wouldn’t be leaving. She sighed. John had wanted to marry her because he had no memories at that time of her marriage to Roman. Those came later after she was believed dead. He’d wanted to marry her so that they would have that memory together, and in truth that marriage had meant more to her than her first marriage to Roman. There had been no dramatics that day in August. At least not until after the wedding. She stepped out of the car with a smile on her face, and stared at his house, feeling the icy rain on her skin. Realizing she’d left her coat in the car, she stared at it blankly through the window. It didn’t matter, she felt numb anyway. 

She closed her eyes for a brief moment, concentrating on the stinging rain and ice as it hit her skin. Her clothing was sticking to her, and her hair dripped into her eyes. She was immediately transported to Mexico…

“Are you finished?” Roman asked her with a smile. 

It was so surreal to have him sitting across from her, while in the back of her mind she worried about where John was at that same exact moment. A warm breeze blew in from the ocean, pushing strands of her hair across her skin. Marlena smiled, “Yes. It was very good, but I couldn’t eat one more bite.”

“Good,” he said. “Then we have time for some dessert.” He reached behind him, and lifted another dish, covered with a lid. Placing it on the table, he smiled, and then lifted it to reveal what was inside. “Ta-da!”

Marlena stared down at the strawberries and whipped cream, and she was overwhelmed with memories. Not of Roman, but of her time with John. Her breath caught in her chest, and when she looked up. Roman was watching her expectantly. Memories assaulted her. She could still feel John’s breath on her mouth, and his finger as he wiped the cream from her bottom lip. She could still taste his kiss, sour and sweet with the tang of fresh strawberries.

“What the matter?” Roman asked.

“Nothing.” She shook her head, feeling overwhelmed. Her hand started trembling. “I just wasn’t expecting that.”

“You weren’t expecting strawberries?” he scoffed.

“No, that isn’t what I meant, I–” she couldn’t say what she was feeling without hurting him, so she got quiet.

Softly, he whispered, “Did I do something wrong here?”

Marlena fumbled over her words, “No, no. You’ve done nothing wrong at all, it’s just… different.”

“From what–”

“ –from – it’s just different from the way that Jo–” She stopped again, unsure of what to say. The strawberries sitting in front of her made her sad. So sad she felt like her heart was being torn from her chest, and she struggled to express that emotion with Roman watching her the way he was. Softly she whispered, “… the way that John does things.”

The change in him was almost immediate. He rolled his eyes, and sat back in his chair, “Yeah, great. I don’t believe this. I finally get you alone for five minutes, and we’re already talking about him again.”

“He’s part of our lives, whether you like that or not,” she said. 

Roman started yelling, “Well, I don’t like it! And I don’t understand why you can’t just forget about the guy–”

“ –because I can’t! If that is what you’re asking me to do, you’re asking me to do the impossible!” She didn’t want to hurt Roman, but he needed to know that John wasn’t going to go away.

Her body shivered violently, and she wasn’t sure if it was from the snowy mix that was now falling on her wet clothing or the fact that she’d realized that John had never left her heart. He was still there, and she still loved him. Pushing her soaking wet hair back from her face, she started walking towards the house.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Darling it’s over

Darling it’s over

I don’t wanna see you cry

It’s so hard to say goodbye

But darling it’s over

Darling it’s over

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Darling It’s Over – A Great Big World

Chapter 29 – Love Song

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sitting solemnly at home

Beside a silent telephone

A vacant heart, a world come and gone

So hold me in, and I can see

A cold romantic one way street

An empty bed of used up promises

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John stood up on shaky legs, and reached for the bottle of bourbon sitting on the table in front of him. His thoughts were loose, and his body was feeling warm. It was exactly what he’d hoped for. Smiling to himself he knelt down to bank the fire before he went back inside the house for the night. His toes curled in the sheepskin rug he’d just purchased, so soft against his skin. Images of Marlena’s nude body spread out before him in the firelight came to mind. He could imagine what that rug might feel like on their bare skin, and he moaned low in his throat. He immediately groaned in frustration. Obviously getting drunk did not help him clear his mind. He had hoped for an oblivion filled type of drunkenness. Instead he’d been served a reflective, ruminating drunkenness. Thoughts of Marlena filled him up, and all that seemed to do was add to his loneliness.

Making love to Haley had been a mistake. Making love to Marlena would be a melding of his soul. It always had been. John sat the bottle of bourbon on the coffee table in the living room, and glanced at the clock. The night was still young, he was intoxicated, and a storm raged outside. He could hear the icy wet mix hitting the windows. At least he still had electricity. He could put on a movie, and hopefully fall asleep.

Outside, Marlena took the steps up to John’s house slowly. There was a dim light shining through the bay window at the front, and she could see John as he leaned towards the fireplace. Her eyes scanned over every angle and muscle of his bare back. His sweatpants hung low on his hips, and as he knelt down, she briefly stopped her ascension and closed her eyes, telling herself she should leave. Sparks flew up as he tossed logs in, and when he stood up she saw him waver on his feet. There was a bottle of bourbon on the table, nearly a third gone. He was drunk. That knowledge made her even more wary. She certainly couldn’t trust her own emotions. If John was drunk he wouldn’t be the voice of reason.

She licked over her lips, wondering if he tasted like bourbon – vanilla, caramel, and that woodsy flavor of the oak it had been aged in. She blinked several times trying to calm herself down. Water dripped down her face, and for the first time since she’d stepped out of her car in the pouring February rain, she shivered with cold. For the entirety of her life she’d made safe, rational, dependable choices. Staring at John’s half naked body, and allowing her eyes to scan over him was none of those things. It was reckless, impulsive, and unexpected. It was the same way she’d felt in her darkened laundry room when she was alone with him. If she had turned around that night, she knew it would have gone further than simply her softly whispered acknowledgment of her nudity.

She’d been a good girl for as long as she could remember, but staring at John right then, she wanted to be his good girl, and that took on an entirely different meaning. She wanted to break every rule she’d ever made for herself, and be rewarded for it.

John groaned and leaned against the mantle allowing his head to hang down momentarily. He felt the stretch in his back and under his arm. His body was his enemy, craving things it couldn’t have. It brought with it a tenseness that seemed to live there permanently. Closing his eyes, he felt that painful and pleasurable ache in his cock. A deep throb that wouldn’t subside. It wasn’t just sex with Marlena. It was her touch, it was the sound of her voice, it was the way he could feel her every minute emotion, and all he wanted was more. He wanted to hear her laughter in the afternoon sun, he wanted to hear her soft voice in the darkness of his bedroom, and he wanted to see her smiles across the dinner table. Images of her smile in the morning, or her brushing her teeth in the bathroom mirror… he wanted all of it. None of that was his, and it was driving him crazy to watch Roman throw it all away, when John wished for it every night. Reaching down he gripped his swollen cock through the soft gray cotton of his sweatpants and squeezed himself tightly. “Fuck!” he growled, turning towards the couch.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And then you came to me

With conscious hands and steady feet

You took away my need to meet my history

Boy, well here goes nothing

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena stepped into the shadows as she continued to watch him. His hand on his cock caused a physical reaction in her. She was already on edge, emotional… she might even say she was irrational, but as she watched his fingers pull at his length her lips parted and a small gasp escaped her. The look of frustration on his face, and the want in his eyes. She wanted that. She wanted to be the reason he was so overwrought. Her core started to throb as she watched him. If she went inside, she couldn’t pretend she didn’t know what would happen. Making a conscious choice, she reached for the doorknob testing it. When it turned with a soft snick, she smiled to herself, pushing it open, and she stepped inside. Her decision was made.

John swayed on his feet, and stared at the vision standing at his front door. For a moment he was sure he’d imagined her in a drunken stupor. She was dripping rain water from the ends of her blonde hair, and her clothing was plastered to her skin. It didn’t take much for him to imagine what she might feel like in his arms – cold and wet, with the heat of her body seeping through. Smiling at her, he walked by her as he said sadly, “I got drunk to forget about you… and now my mind has created a version of you that will haunt me for weeks.”

Marlena closed the door behind her softly, just as another crack of thunder sounded and lightning lit up the sky. The small light in the kitchen went out and the house went silent. The electricity was out. She watched John wander over to the couch and sink into it while reaching for the bourbon bottle in front of him. His throat moved as he swallowed some down, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. How drunk was he?

“I talk to Izzy-B all of the time, but she doesn’t appear like an apparition out of a storm,” he mumbled. 

“I’m not an apparition,” Marlena said softly, kicking her wet shoes off by the door. She pushed her wet hair back from her forehead as she rounded the couch. Standing at the end, she saw him in profile. “I’m real.”

He lifted his face, to stare at her. The firelight cast her in a soft glow – pinks, reds, and oranges. Soaking wet, but still fucking gorgeous as water dripped from her eyelashes. His cock twitched in his sweatpants again, and he reached down to put pressure on it. “Fuck,” he moaned, closing his eyes. His head fell back. It felt so good. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I get drunk to forget you, and yet here you are… I think I’m losing my fucking mind, baby.”

His head rolled against the couch, and his free hand rubbed over his bare chest as his hand slowly rubbed over his length. Opening his eyes, he stared at quizzically and mumbled, “I imagine you all the time. My hands on your body, or the way your eyes would almost beg me to take over after you’d had a long day at work. I would dream about it during my days, you know?” He closed his eyes again, and shook his trying to make his thoughts feel less addled. “Working all day at the cop shop, but in the back of my mind… I would want you to look at me in that helpless way you would… those hazel eyes simply begging me to take charge.”

He continued to pull at his cock while he spoke to her. Marlena wasn’t sure if he knew she was there, or if he still believed she was a figment of his imagination, but she stepped closer, whispering, “Work, life… people’s expectations… in the bedroom with you, all of that was gone. I let it go, and I did whatever you wanted while receiving the most amazing pleasure.”

He opened his eyes, staring at her with drunken eyes, “It’s never been like that with anyone else. Not Diana… not Isabella. I loved them… but I was never – it was never… it wasn’t the same.”

John looked so vulnerable. He sat there bearing his soul to her while trying to subside the ache in his body. Stepping around the couch, she leaned over him and reached for the bourbon, taking it from his hands. He stared at her with liquid blue eyes, studying her as she took a long drink from the bottle. She’d never particularly liked bourbon, but it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to numb her own emotions for a while. She tipped the bottle back again, and then handed it back to him.

He felt the warmth of her fingers graze his hand and his eyes widened slightly. He stared at her in amazed fascination, and he said in a rough voice, “You’re real?”

Leaning forward she touched his face gently, and took the bottle from him, setting it on the table. Giving him a small smile, she said, “I’m real.”

“What happened?” he asked her. “Roman called… he was looking for you…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And this ain’t a love song

It couldn’t be that I would fall for you so soon

My rose that blooms in Autumn

Go on, break me, take me to the place I’d wanna be

And we can just pretend it wasn’t all a dream

All a dream

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she whispered. “Not right now.”

Watching her in rapt fascination, his breath caught in his chest when her shaking fingers started to unbutton her wet blouse. He hadn’t had time to consider the state she’d arrived in. He’d fully believed he was imagining her, but as she peeled back the thin fabric and revealed her skin to him slowly, he started to consider it. “Doc. You must be freezing.” 

He moved to stand up, but Marlena said sharply, with emotion choking her voice, “Don’t. Please don’t. I’m fine.”

“You can’t be fine. You’re soaking wet, and it’s freezing cold outside.” 

She shrugged out of her shirt, allowing it to drop to the floor at her feet, and then she stepped in front of John, popping the button free from her jeans. He stared up at her. Allowing his head to fall back his eyes were riveted on her. Every curve, every angle – he knew what she would feel like.

“Fuck, baby, you are so beautiful,” he murmured. “Maybe I am imagining you.”

“You’re not,” she whispered, pushing her jeans over her hips. Beautiful? It had been so long since Roman, or anyone had told her she was beautiful. John had told her she was beautiful the night she got sick at Wing’s. She wanted to be beautiful. Sexy. Alluring. Stepping between his legs, she glanced down to find him pushing down on his cock again. “Touch me.”

Something in the back of his mind was screaming at him to stop. He looked confused as he told her, “I think we should talk first.”

The last thing she wanted to do was talk. “Do you remember those days when I was so overwrought I couldn’t think… I couldn’t speak… those days when all I wanted was you to make me forget?”

“Doc… we were married then,” he said softly. Even though he felt himself questioning everything, he couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and softly grazing his fingertips over her cold skin. It pebbled under his fingers, and he could hear Marlena’s soft moan. Staring up at her, he said, “You’re married, and it’s not to me.”

A sob caught in her throat as she said in a barely audible voice, “Diving in doesn’t work if he fucks another woman in our bed.”

That’s when he saw it. Pain. Pain that was so profound her reasons for not talking about it were obvious. Swallowing thickly, he whispered, “Okay… okay… what do you need?”

She wiped the tears from her cheeks, “You know what I need. What we both need.”

“What about tomorrow?” he asked, scooting forward so that he could cup both of his hands around the backs of her thighs. She was hot and cold beneath his hands. She was flesh, and she was real.

A sob tore free, as she cried loudly, “I don’t care about tomorrow, John! I need this! I need now! Because everything inside of me hurts so badly, and all I want is to remember you, and the way you make me feel. Please? I can’t think anymore! I can’t think… and I just want–”

“ –you want me to take over?” he whispered, feeling a flutter in his abdomen that he hadn’t felt in years. She wanted to let go, and allow him to dictate what they did and the pleasure she received. His cock jerked, and he moaned, waiting for her answer, but she didn’t say anything. She shook, and her tears fell like the rain outside. When she didn’t say anything, his eyes went dark. His fingers dug into the soft flesh behind her knees, and she whimpered softly. His voice almost sounded like a growl as he said, “I need an answer, baby, or this goes no further.”

“Yes,” she gasped softly. “John… please. I need… release.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At times it comes and goes again

An empire founded on a whim

And is it less important if we were young

In years will I look back and miss

The way that we made all of this

A sanctuary that I would never trade for anything

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Take off the bra and panties, baby.” He let go of her legs, and took a deep breath. He was sober enough to know that if she went back to Roman the following day it would break his heart, and drunk enough not to care. It was a lethal combination emotionally speaking. 

Marlena’s heart thundered in her chest, and her eyes fixed on him as she followed his directions. In their time together there were sexual moments that stood on the threshold of intensity and pain, and there were others that were nurturing and soft. What she needed was somewhere in between, and she trusted John enough to give her that. Reaching behind herself, she unfastened her bra allowing the damp fabric to fall free. Shrugging the straps from her shoulders, she removed it, and immediately felt the skin of her breasts and her nipples pebble. She was cold and she was aroused. Her body shook with a combination of both

John stood up, walking towards the fireplace, and he placed two more logs in the hearth. Turning around he found her watching him. There was no hiding how much he wanted her. His body had been telling that story all day. Stepping closer, he stared down at where her arms were wrapped around herself, and he gently pulled them free, whispering, “Don’t hide yourself from me, Doc. Not tonight. I want to see all of you.”

Tracing his finger down her sternum he feasted on the sight of her pale skin underneath his hand. Marlena trembled and waited. She’d given the night up to him, and he said, “I was haunted by you all day. Memories of us… our times together. I was so haunted I thought if I drank myself into a stupor I could sleep it off, and somehow get you out of my mind.” He traced his finger gently around her dusky nipple, “And then you appeared in my doorway like an angel from heaven. I wasn’t sure if it was an offering, or the devil finding away to torture me.”

Marlena shivered again. He was barely touching her, her skin was cold from her time in the rain, and yet, inside, she felt as if she were on fire. Closing her eyes she leaned forward into his hand, and she gasped when she felt the sharp tug on her nipple. John walked around her, and from behind he leaned close to her ear, “Don’t close your eyes, Marlena.” He gave her a sharp smack on her hip, as his breath wafted over her skin, “The panties.”

“More,” she begged softly.

“More?” he asked her, smacking her bottom once quickly. He could feel the cool dampness of the fabric under his palm. “I think I want these wet panties off of you before you catch your death of cold. How long were you in the rain?”

She trembled as she looped her thumbs in the elastic. John’s eyes were on her. She could feel the heat of him standing behind her as he watched. Slowly she peeled them over her rounded ass with a slight wiggle of her hips, and then they slid down her legs coming to land in a pool near her feet..

John couldn’t help his soft groan of approval, and he smoothed his hand down her spine and over the soft curve of her bottom. He smiled when Marlena gasped again as he smacked her other hip, repeating, “How long were you in the rain?”

“I’m not sure,” she whispered. “I–I was upset. I arrived here, and I got out of the car. I forgot my coat, but I… left it there, and then I… stared at the house for a while.”

He pushed her damp hair forward, and kissed her shoulder gently, “Why?”

“I was thinking. I was stuck in my mind… the same as you. Stuck in my memories.” She felt a tear fall from her eyes, and then another closely followed. “I was thinking about Mexico, when Roman demanded that I forget you, and I told him I couldn’t… and I was asking myself why I was here.”

Wrapping his arms around her nude body, John pulled her back against his heated chest with a quick tug. Marlena’s head fell back to rest on his shoulder, and her gasp of surprise filled him up. There was no way he would get enough. One night with her would never be enough. Smoothing his hands up her body, he closed his eyes as he skimmed over her hips, and then her waist. He wanted to memorize every inch of her. He pushed his hands forward and further up to cup her breasts, and then he groaned, “We’ll talk about why you’re here tomorrow. Right now, you’re mine. Say it.”

“I’m yours,” she sighed, tipping her face to look up at him. He was the most beautiful man she’d ever known. Evening beard scruff darkened his jaw, and the softness of his chest hair rubbed against her spine. Unable to stop herself, she kissed his neck. She whispered against his skin, “I want to forget everything tonight, except for you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And there you were again

To show me just how I fit in

This incandescent second skin

You’ve wrapped around me time and time again, and so it goes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Put your arms behind your back,” John told her. He walked around her dragging his hand along her soft skin as he went. She was curvy and warm. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. “I want to see your breasts lifted.” He watched as Marlena reached behind herself and then he groaned. Her breasts rose up in front of him. “… yeah… just like that.”

“I want you naked too.” Her intense hazel gaze locked in on him. “If I can’t touch you just yet… I want to see you.”

“All in due time. First,” he said, slipping his hand into her damp curls, “… first I’m going to do what I’ve been dreaming of since New Years.” He kissed her softly, allowing his lips to gently suck at hers. He nibbled at her mouth. “You know, you were quite the tease that night, Doc. Kissing me in your bedroom… in the bed you share with Roman. Why did you do that?”

She’d tried not to give her motives that night too much thought. Thinking about it made her question her choices and her life with Roman, but as she stood there as vulnerable as she could be in front of John, she said, “I missed the taste of you. I missed your scent, and the way your lips felt on mine… and I was tired of fighting it. So for one brief moment I allowed myself to have what I wanted.”

John’s fingers tightened in her hair, tipping her head back so that she stared up at him with parted lips, “Tonight… I’m giving you what you want, because I know you. I know you.” His mouth fell on hers again, and then he was kissing her neck with a groan, and Marlena cried out as his teeth bit the sensitive skin along her jaw.

She leaned forward, desperate for more, but she maintained her stance, keeping her arms behind her back as she allowed him to kiss and lick into the recesses of her mouth. Sharps gasps and soft mewling sounds were emitted as she nearly melted into the floor. 

Marlena’s body tensed and her thighs tensed. He recognized all of her tells. Reaching out, he tugged at her nipple, and he watched in awe as her head rolled back and her eyes closed in pleasure. “Eyes open, baby,” he told her as he rolled her sensitive flesh between his fingers. “Because when you come for the first time, I want you staring at me.”

Opening her eyes, all she saw was his dark hair as his head dipped, and his mouth took her turgid nipple between his lips. Her arms flailed as his teeth bit at her skin, and she cried out loudly, “Oh, G-d! John!”

“I’m going to mark your body,” he whispered, staring up at her in the firelight. “Every time you stand in front of a mirror you’re going to remember this night. When you shower you’ll feel the bruises I left behind. You… all of you, Doc… tonight you’re mine.”

“I know!” she gasped. “I know, I know, I know…” Her words faded into the silence of the room, as John continued to bite, suck, and lick across her skin. The sting of his suction sent electrical impulses through her, while the ache in her center grew so strong it bordered on painful. That ache deep inside her that pulsed with every beat of her heart.

Walking around her again, he stroked down her back appreciatively over the curve of her bottom. Knowing that Marlena liked words – they inflamed her – he bit her ear, tugging it with his teeth, and then he slipped his hand lower between her thighs before trailing his index finger back up the crease of her ass as he whispered, “I remember the first time you let me fuck your ass.” Her legs trembled at his touch, and she pushed back against his hand with a whimper. “I was the first person to ever breach you. You were so tight, baby. So tight, and so hot… I’ll never forget it.” He groaned, leaning his partially clothed body against her, while sliding his finger deeper along her crease. “Do you remember?”

Lost in her own emotions and the sensations filling her body, all she could do was gasp, “Yes!”

He reached around her with his other hand, and slipped his fingers between her legs. The rasp of her closely cropped hair against his palm set him on fire, but it was the swollen, slick heat of her pussy that caused him to groan loudly, “Aww fuck, Marlena! You are so G-d damned wet!” Her clit was so swollen underneath his fingertips. He pushed his hand behind her deeper, allowing his thumb to put pressure against her anus, and then he gently squeezed her clit. Marlena’s scream so close to his ear made him growl. He could make her come so easily. “What do you want?”

“You know!” she cried.

“Tell me what you want,” he demanded, applying more pressure to her most sensitive regions. “I want to hear you say it.”

“I–I need to come… John, please!” she whimpered. “I need to come!”

Applying more pressure at the back, he started pinching her clit and pulling at it, watching her body shake as she fell back against him, and almost lost her ability to stand. Her cries filled the room, causing John to push his engorged cock against her hip to keep himself from coming in his sweatpants. She was absolutely amazing with her head thrown back, and her blonde curls scattered across his skin, but she followed his directive. She had given herself over to him, and she stared up at him with the widest hazel eyes as she gasped, calling his name while she came all over his hand. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This ain’t a love song

It couldn’t be that I would fall for you so soon

My rose that blooms in Autumn

Go on, break me, take me to the place I’d wanna be

And we can just pretend it wasn’t all a dream

All a dream

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John pulled his hand from between Marlena’s legs, and wrapped his arm around her body. She laid against him limply, her breath coming in rapid pants as she continued to stare up at him. Her lips parted. In whispered desperation, she said, “More. John… I need more. I need you.”

“I think,” he said, softly kissing her lips. “It’s time for you to show me what you want. I know that brain of yours. I know your fantasies, and I think it’s time for you to–”

She turned in his arms, still feeling unsteady on her feet. She’d forgotten how easily he could destroy her. Even in her dreams and her fantasies she’d never come close to reality. “ – the sweatpants.” Wanting to feel his naked body against hers, she reached for the waistband and started to push them down, as she kissed his chest. Her voice sounded pleading as she said, “I need to feel you. I need everything.” Her shaky hands skimmed over his warm flesh as she pushed the grey cotton fleece over his hips. She didn’t hold back her gasp of awe when his hardened length slapped against his abdomen. “Oh, G-d,” she whispered.

Stepping out of his sweatpants, John reached for her, slipping his fingers into her hair. He stared down at her, and whispered, “I’m still kinda drunk, but I swear to G-d, Doc… I never imagined this was how my evening was going to go.”

“Kiss me.” Her fingers traced over his mouth, “Just kiss me.”

He rubbed his nose alongside hers and took a deep breath of her. “Your perfume kills me every time. I tell myself that it’s not on purpose. There’s no way you could wear it to drive me mad, and yet it does.” He flicked his tongue over her bottom lip, and whispered, “And yet it does. It makes me remember our wedding day, and secret meetings in your office.”

“I know.” She tipped her head to the side, and moaned as John licked a path behind her ear. “Everytime I smell it, I think of you. I think of us. It was all I had of you.” She touched his jaw, “It was all I could keep of you that Roman couldn’t touch.”

“Fuck,” he groaned just before his mouth took hers. His tongue swept in and he nearly devoured her. John’s strong fingers tugged at her hair, pulling her head back so that he could kiss her more deeply. As his mouth played over hers he doubted he would be able to let her go, but he pushed those thoughts away. He couldn’t think about what would happen later, he could only focus on the woman in his arms. The woman that invaded every nocturnal thought for the last month. “Marlena…” He bit at her lips, while cupping her face in his palms. His breath was coming in ragged pants as he said, “I swear you taste so fucking good.”

Her palm slid down his abdomen, and then her fingers wrapped around his length. So soft, and so hard at the same time. He pushed into her hand with a groan as his eyes closed. Briefly, she thought of Roman, and then she pushed him out of her mind. Not tonight. It had been more than six years since she’d been with John, and every touch, every taste was reminding her how much she had loved him… how much she still loved him. Pulling her palm along his cock, she kissed his chest before licking over his nipple. The taste of his skin pulled at the memories that she had buried. “I’ve missed you so much,” she said, feeling tears well up in her eyes. “I’ve missed us… and I’m not sure what to do with that right now.” Her other hand danced across his skin and over his shoulder, before her fingernails scraped his skin, and she whispered, “All I know is that I want you in a way I don’t fully understand, and I’m tired of doing what everyone expects. I’m tired of being the good girl.”

Reaching behind her, his palm cupped her bottom, and his fingers squeezed her flesh so hard that she whined staring up at him with want. Memories of spreading her legs wide, while he feasted on her body came to him rapid fire. He could picture her hands as she gripped the headboard, and if he closed his eyes the scent of her would likely overwhelm him. “I like it when you’re a good girl… the things you used to let me do. Fuck, Marlena. Not tonight…maybe not ever again, but I still dream about the things you used to let me do.”

Slipping his palm between her legs again, he whispered, “I want to taste you. I want to bury my face in you, and remember your flavor.”

“John,” she whispered. “I don’t know if I can wait.” She pulled at his length, “I want you so badly. I want you–” She stopped speaking, afraid to say what she was feeling. She held John’s cock in her hand. John was longer than Roman, and when he made love to her, she remembered feeling so full. The stretch and the pull caused an ache to build in her until she exploded. That’s what she was craving.

Her hand was so small and soft in his when he took it and laced their fingers together. Walking backwards towards the couch he pulled her along with him, “I need to taste you. I need to lick you, and bite… fuck, Doc, I don’t think you know how much I need this.” He sank to the edge of the couch, and with his hands on her hips, he tugged her forward, and ran the tip of his nose over her abdomen taking a deep breath. The scent of her sex was such a trigger, and he felt it so deeply that his cock surged with more blood becoming impossibly hard. “You smell so damned good.”

Her legs shook, and the anticipation was building. Her inner thighs were sticky. Swallowing thickly, she threaded her fingers into his hair and clenched her fists. She was going to come before he even got there.

Using his palms, he gently pushed his thumbs towards her inner thighs, whispering, “Open up for me, baby. I’m begging you… I just need to taste you.”

“Oh, G-d!” she gasped, spreading her legs so that he could stare at her center. When his thumb brushed softly over her clit, she tried to squeeze her legs together, the sensation was almost too much. “John! John!”

John stared up at her feeling more helpless than he’d ever felt in his life. “Please?” he said in a rough voice. Leaning forward, he smelled her again, moaning, “Aww fuck…”. Reaching for his cock he fisted himself, watching as Marlena tipped her pelvis towards his mouth. All he wanted was the musky sweet taste of her. Lapping his tongue over her, he closed his eyes and felt the sparks of stars light up the darkness. There was no stopping him, and he pulled her closer, and pushed his tongue even deeper. She tasted of caramel, and honey, and the faint musk that turned him on so much. Marlena tugged at his hair, and her soft whines of pleasure were driving him on. Releasing the hold he had on his own cock, he gripped the front of her thighs and buried his thumbs between them, holding her open to him, and then he sucked her clit into his mouth, sucking her until she screamed her second climax of the night into the otherwise silent room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There’s lifetimes inside of your eyes

It’s been a long while since I woke up all alive

And hell, I know there’s times when troubles don’t die

But I can try, and could we try

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That was when Marlena Evans, the calm, educated, always sensible psychiatrist threw all of those labels aside, and allowed herself to fully embrace what she wanted. Staring down at John, she didn’t know how long it was until her heartbeat slowed and her breathing came back to a semi-normal rhythm. His cheek rested against her, and she knew innately that he was trying to calm his own body. She continued to tremble as she held him against her. What she wanted, was more sensation, and more of him. There were no more pretty words. There weren’t even eloquent sounding, intelligent words. She whined, and her fingernails scraped at his shoulders, as she said, “I need more… I feel like I’m dying.”

He knew what she was feeling. He felt it too. Wrapping his arms around her hips, he pulled her body against his as he sat further back on the sofa, grunting, “Straddle me.”

She felt uncoordinated as she fumbled to hold onto him, and threw her leg over his hip. John growled when the heat of her swollen folds slid over his cock, and Marlena started rocking her hips in uncoordinated movement, whispering his name over and over again. His palms squeezed her hips, trying to slow her down, but she continued to ride him, as she gasped, “I have to come again! It’s not enough.”

He’d built her up to such a point that she felt that achy itch deep inside her body. All she could think about was finding that vortex again, and finding it with him. She wanted to find it and then allow it to spin her around with him.

“Slow down, baby,” he whispered, trying to calm her down, but it was too late, and part of him loved that. A part of him wondered if he was the only man who could bring her to such heights. Was he the only man that caused her to lose control when every other aspect of her life was planned?

“I’m close. I’m close… oh, fuck… I’m so close,” she whined as she rolled her hips against him in frenzied movements.

He felt the scrape of her nails against his flesh, and he gave in. Leaning forward, he bit the side of her breast roughly, and then sucked on her skin so hard he knew she could feel the sting. The wet, hot slide of her lips wrapped around him were almost his undoing. John’s eyes closed tightly, as he held back his orgasm. Not yet. Not fucking yet. Reaching behind her, he pushed her body forward, tilting her so that her clit rubbed over his pubic hair with every glide, and he stared up at her beautiful body, memorizing the sway of her breasts with every pass.

Marlena’s head fell back and John held her body upright as she shook with her third orgasm of the night. A slight sheen of sweat dotted her chest. He pulled her close, licking across her skin, and then he rested his cheek on the top of her head, breathing hard. “Doc… Marlena… I can’t wait. I don’t think I can–”

She lifted her body up on shaking knees, balancing herself on his shoulders, and she immediately felt his rounded tip at her entrance. His hands settled on her hips so gently, and her eyes closed as he started to push her down. “Open those beautiful eyes for me, baby.” 

Opening them, she stared down at him, moaning, “Oh, G-d! This feels so good.”

He pulled her forward, wanting to feel the weight of her against him, and he pushed his hips up with a quick thrust burying himself deeply. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he groaned. He started to move, quick frenetic thrusts that pushed him slightly deeper with each pass. Marlena wrapped her arms around his shoulders and bit at his neck repeatedly as she cried out his name. The two of them melded into one until they hit the edge and they exploded like a supernova. Her body shook, and her back arched as her head fell backwards, and all John could do was hold her pelvis tightly to him as he drove into her one last time and stars exploded in his vision as he stared at the angel in front of him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And this ain’t a love song

It couldn’t be that I would fall for you so soon

My rose that blooms in Autumn

Go on, break me, take me to the place I’d wanna be

And we can just pretend it wasn’t all a dream

So go on, break me, take me

To the place I’d wanna be

And we can just pretend it wasn’t all a dream

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman wasn’t sure what made him decide to drive to John’s house. It might have been because no matter what John said, there was always a part of himself that distrusted him. Afterall John Black was the product of Stefano DiMera. It may have been because since Isabella’s death, Roman had watched Marlena and John grow closer. There was a part of him that knew, when she was upset and felt she had nowhere to turn, she would go to John. None of that prepared Roman for the sight of her naked body on top of John as he stood in the pouring rain next to his car. He would never be prepared for the sight of her silent screams as her body arched in the firelight.

In any other situation what he’d seen might have turned him on. Instead he felt nausea rise up inside him. He’d made a mistake. Everything he’d been doing with Taylor over the last few months was nothing more than a mistake. But, what he saw when he looked into the large bay window at John’s house was not a mistake. His wife had gone there intentionally. She’d been waiting for a reason to run to John. She’d probably been waiting for a reason to fuck him. Roman closed his eyes feeling the ice cold rain trickle down the back of his jacket, and all he could think was that she’d come here, and she was using his mistake with Taylor as an excuse to get what she’d really wanted since they came back from Mexico.

Marlena felt John’s hands slide up her back, and she sighed when he pulled her limp body forward. Resting her cheek on his sweat covered shoulder she sighed, and kissed his neck softly. She wanted to memorize the taste of him. Her fingers trailed across his chest, and she took a deep breath holding it in her lungs.

John brushed his lips across her forehead, and closed his eyes. This was when reality set in, and they had to face the truth of what they’d done, but he wasn’t ready for it. Softly, he said, “Doc–”

“ –I shouldn’t have done this,” she whispered. “I don’t regret making love with you… but we can’t do it again.”

“We just… we rushed things because I was drunk, and you… you were hurt. I understand that.” But even as the words left his mouth he knew they were a lie. He was either placating her or himself to lessen the pain, because he knew that whatever she might say would probably break his heart.

“That’s not why,” she whispered, lifting her head to stare at him. “It’s because I still love you. I’m in love with you, and I’m so scared… so damned afraid that I’ve ruined it. That rushing into this, without examining our motives will ruin it.”

His heart sped up, and he whispered, “Oh, Doc… Marlena… I realized weeks ago that I was falling in love with you again.” His fingers trailed softly along her jaw and then over her lips, “Give me tonight, and the rest of it… we can figure out tomorrow. Not tonight. I need your skin against mine, and I need to wake up with you in my arms.”

“Tonight?” she repeated. She wanted it as much as he did. He kissed her softly, so gently she sighed and closed her eyes as if she were in a dream. The ache of wanting him was building inside her more slowly this time, but the tell-tale throb was there. His cock was still semi hard, and she felt him twitch beneath her. When they were married, she’d felt as if they were always on the same wavelength. A smile at the breakfast table, or the brush of his hand across her hip as he walked by to take Carrie to the school bus. It was still there. She rolled her hips without thinking, and John’s moan confirmed it. “Take me to the bedroom,” she whispered. “Tonight is for us.”

Roman climbed back into his car, and watched through the windshield as John Black stood up with Marlena’s legs wrapped around him. They stood imobile for a moment kissing tenderly, and Roman punched the console of his car, feeling the skin of his knuckles split with the force. “Fuck you!” he roared, whether at Marlena or John. Perhaps at both.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And this, say not a love (say not a love)

It couldn’t be that I would fall for you so soon

My rose that blooms in Autumn

So go on, break me, take me

To the place I’d wanna be

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena could taste a mixture of her own essence and the bourbon John had been drinking on his lips. She moaned. The taste of herself on his tongue had always been a turn-on, and she pulled his bottom lip into her mouth, sucking the flavor off of him.

Holding her spine with his forearm he slid his fingers into her hair so that he could kiss her as he walked. “Fuck, Doc… I just have to make it to the bedroom.”  Her hips rolled, and his lengthening cock slid between her swollen folds. She surrounded him hot and slick. Groaning, he pushed her back against the wall, “I swear, baby, if you don’t stop I won’t make it to the bedroom.”

She should be exhausted, but her body wouldn’t stop. She bucked against him seeking relief, and then she sucked at his skin until he thought he might scream. With helpless eyes, she whimpered, “I can’t.”

Leaning fully against her to brace her where they stood, he pulled his hips back, and then pushed inside her with a grunt. She was slick, and hot, and tight, and John growled with the pent up emotion he was feeling. “I swear I can’t get enough of you. You’re my drug…” Biting at her lips, he whispered, “You’re my fucking drug.”

Marlena tilted her hips, and her head fell back against the wall with a thud as she cried, “Oh, G-d!” John’s thrusts were ruthless, pushing them both to the brink. Repeatedly he thrust into her welcoming body, and neither one of them could do anything but soak each other in. She knew that just as John had promised her she would bear the marks of their lovemaking, he too would have marks. Her fingernails dug crescents into his skin as he pushed forcefully into her one last time, John roared, and Marlena sobbed.

They rested there for several long moments, his forehead against hers as they tried to regulate their breathing. Finally, John gently wiped the sweat from her forehead, “I think it’s time for a shower.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And we can just pretend it wasn’t all a dream

No, we can just pretend it wasn’t all a dream

No, we can just pretend it wasn’t all a dream

So come so close to me, that I can feel you thinking

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Love Song – Scott Clifton

Chapter 30 – I’ve Loved You Before

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I think of how you know me

No doubts, no thinking twice

When your smile can be so soothing

A familiar paradise

When there’s no one else that makes me whole

I am never needing more

I get this feeling

That I have loved you before

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What have I done? Marlena closed her eyes, feeling the sting of the hot water against her skin. Her lips were swollen from John’s aggressive kisses, and her body still thrummed with sexual energy. She’d been impulsive. She’d been reckless, and yet she didn’t regret a single moment of it. She could still feel the rough caress of John’s palms across her sensitive skin. As much as she questioned her choices, she didn’t regret them. Back and forth in her mind she argued with herself. She should leave and get a room at the Salem Inn. She could stay in John’s spare bedroom. But ultimately she knew if she stayed, she wouldn’t be in the spare bedroom, and that was even more dangerous. It was too fast. Entirely too fast. Wiping her hands over her cheeks, she pushed her hair back and tipped her face up to the spray. She shouldn’t have come there.

The shower door slid open, and Marlena felt the cool air on her skin. She had to tell him she couldn’t stay… but then his palm slid over her hip to settle low on her waist with excruciating slowness and the ache deep inside her started all over again. “John, I–”

“ –I see the wheels turning, Doc,” he whispered as he stepped up behind her. His palm slid across her abdomen, resting below her navel and he tugged her spine up against his chest. “Stop thinking.”

“I can’t,” she said softly, staring at the intricate pattern of marble tile on the wall. John had done so much work on the house, and the master bathroom was a dream. A large shower with double shower heads. A spa tub in the corner. It was beautiful. “I shouldn’t have come here.”

He kissed her neck gently, “But you did.”

Her body was tense. Being in his arms felt so natural, and she was fighting it. Samantha was always the impulsive twin who acted on emotion. Marlena had spent her life fighting those inclinations because she watched her sister make mistake after mistake as they were growing up. Seeing Roman in the shower with Taylor had upset her so much, she’d simply acted, and she was mentally berating herself for it. “I acted out of impulse. I didn’t know where to go, and now I’ve–”

“Stop,” he told her, holding her against him when she tried to put space between them. “Tell me what happened tonight… with Roman.”

Marlena’s head fell back against his shoulder, and she gave up. He was warm, and strong. His skin was slick against hers, and the kindness in his soft voice nearly broke her. Feeling the tightness in her chest, she whispered, “It’s our anniversary. Roman and I… and I came home early because I thought… I thought I could surprise him. You know, dive in.”

He rubbed his cheek against the top of her head, “Something happened?”

Her voice was barely audible over the sound of the water hitting the tile at their feet. “He was in our shower with another woman.”

John stopped breathing for a moment. Roman had cheated on her? His first impulse was to ask her if she was sure. Of course she was sure. She could have gone anywhere. She could have gone to Kim, or the Salem Inn. She could have gone to Caroline, but that fact that she’d come to him meant something. It meant that he hadn’t been alone in his recent realization of his feelings for her, and what he’d felt from her side of things hadn’t been imagined. She’d been feeling it too. “So, you came to me?”

“I shouldn’t have,” she whispered. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. And now it seems ridiculous. I had other places I could have gone.” She closed her eyes, and traced her fingers through the hair on his forearm. “I had other places I could have gone, but I came here. To you.”

“To me,” he told her. His lips kissed her neck, and then slid down to her collarbone. “I’m glad you did.”

Marlena sighed. Her body was trembling, and she knew he could feel it. “John, what are we doing?”

“Tonight is ours,” he said roughly. “Forget the outside world–”

“ –I should leave–”

“ –no,” he said, reaching out to grip her thigh. His fingers dug into her skin, as he told her again roughly, “No.”

She gasped softly, and her lips parted when he bit her shoulder and then licked over it soothingly. John’s combination of rough and gentle had her body humming. Her mind stuck in a haze of desire as she tried to gather her thoughts. “John… tomorrow–”

“ –fuck tomorrow,” he growled. He was still slightly drunk, but he wasn’t going to let her go. She was upset and hurt. He didn’t want her to leave. He’d worry about her for the rest of the night, and he finally had her in his arms after dreaming of her for weeks. His hand slid down over the soft curve of her lower abdomen, and his fingers buried themselves in the thatch of short hair at the apex of her thighs. He tugged it roughly, smiling at her groan of pleasure. “Tonight is for us.”

She could pull out of his arms if she wanted to. He would allow her to go, and he wouldn’t do anything to make her feel wrong about leaving, but she wasn’t ready to leave the comfort of him, his home, his soft touch, and his gently whispered words. After months of loneliness, she felt alive again. Reality would come with the light of morning, and so, she widened her stance with a soft sigh, and when John’s index finger slid along her folds and over her clit, while he cooed, “How does that feel, baby?” she was absolutely undone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Were we lovers in an army

Marching off for Rome?

Side by side in battle

Did we bravely leave our home?

Did I hold you in my arms

As you were taking your last breath?

Did I shout to all the gods

That I would love you beyond death

Or more?

I swear I’ve loved you before

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena moaned softly in her sleep as she slid closer to John. Her leg rubbed over his and her core rocked against his thigh. He came awake slowly and reached for her, groaning in a sleep roughened voice, “Fuck, I want you again.”

He lifted her thigh, finding her center with the tip of his cock, and Marlena’s eyes opened wide when John pushed inside her. Still half asleep, her fingers scraped at his shoulders, “Oh, G-d!”

She brushed her lips across his, threading the fingers of one hand into his hair. John opened to her with a growl, “Marlena…” His hips pulled back, thrusting back into her swollen heat. “Marlena… fuck…”

She needed more. She needed to feel him so deep inside her that she felt she was a part of him. Biting at his ear, she whispered, “Closer. Closer.”

It was the fourth time. He’d made love to her four times, and even though he was exhausted and he could barely keep his eyes open, he was surrounded by her. Her scent coated his skin. Her essence coated his cock, and his soul soaked her in and made her a piece of him. Pushing deeper, he told her quietly, “I don’t know if I can give you up.”

She couldn’t think about what he’d said. Later. She’d have to ponder it later. Closing her eyes, she wrapped her arms around his neck, and cried out, “I’m close! John! Oh, John, I’m so close!” She’d been on the verge of coming in her dream. Waking up to the full realization that John was already buried deep inside her welcoming body meant that there was no build up. She’d gone from dream to reality in an instant. She shook, trembling as she ground her pelvis against him, feeling the rough abrasion of his pubic hair against her clit. “Oh, G-d! John! I’m–I’m–”

  Her core tightened along his shaft, squeezing and rolling. John’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he roared, “Oh, fuck! Doc!” He continued to push, and thrust into her until his cock softened and slipped from her body. It had always been that way with her. Explosive. She ignited him. She left him wanting more and more of her. Briefly, as they fell back to sleep with their naked bodies curled around each other, John thought about Isabella. The briefest feeling of guilt crossed his mind, and he pushed it away. He would face what he needed to face when they woke up, but he wasn’t going to ruin what he had right then.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Did we hide in the dark ages

From a vengeful G-d above?

Were our names too unfamiliar

To ever speak of love?

Did I cling to every moment with you

Every parting glance?

Every accidental touch

Did we ever take the chance

For more?

I know I’ve loved you before

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The morning sun was streaming through the cracks in the window blinds, and John made a mental note to order blackout curtains. Tomorrow had arrived, and he cursed it with every fiber of his being. Rolling onto his side, he traced his finger along Marlena’s cheek, smiling at the honey, amber, and red threaded through her hair. He stared at her blonde eyelashes as they feathered against her skin. His eyes scanned over her, settling on the curve of her breasts. The blanket barely covered her, and the edge sat with her nipple barely peeking out. Unable to stop himself, he leaned forward, pushing the blanket out of the way with his tongue. She tasted so fucking good. Her skin had a flavor that he’d never forgotten. His cock twitched. He licked her nipple again, the pebbled flesh feeling hard under his tongue. He whispered, “Awww… fuck.”

Marlena rolled onto her back, arching towards him, while softly mumbling, “What are you doing? It’s tomorrow. We agreed–”

“ –don’t make me stop,” he whispered, pushing the blanket down further to expose her navel. He swirled his tongue around the edges, and then dipped it deep inside with a sigh of desire. With a shaky hand, he pushed the sheets down, and growled, “Tomorrow starts when we get out of this bed.”

“John…” Marlena’s legs shook when John pushed them wide and slid further down the bed. His palms on her knees held her open. She felt a combination of embarrassment and wanton desire. She felt sexy, desired, and loved – even though neither one of them had mentioned love. She thought she should argue with him about his definition of tomorrow, but then he slid his hands to her thighs, and pushed her legs wider. Her head fell to the side in abandon, and she bucked wildly when he lapped over her sex. A long, slow, languid lap that had her crying out his name, and clawing at the bedsheets. When John bit her inner thigh her eyes went wide, and she arched up, as she gasped softly, “Okay, okay, okay… when we get out of bed.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Have I wandered through the desert?

Have I looked to the North Star?

Have I rode the days and nights on rails

To get back where you are?

And every time I found you

It’s your eyes I know for sure

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Getting out of bed had taken them another two hours. It was nearly eleven in the morning. Every muscle in Marlena’s body ached with delicious torture. She stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, and slowly ran her fingers over every bruise and scratch on her frame. That was the point when she finally started to think about what she was going to do. When she walked into the main living area, John already had a fire going in the hearth, and lunch set out for her. “A turkey sandwich and canned chicken soup,” he told her with an embarrassed smirk. “Sorry I don’t have anything fancier.”

“It’s perfect,” she said softly. Everything had been perfect since she’d entered his home the night before. 

Sitting beside her, they ate in silence for a long time. When Marlena finished her last bite, John reached for her seat, turning her, and pulling her so that her knees were between his legs. He stared at her for a moment. Her lips were still swollen, and there was a pinkness to her cheeks that had him wanting her all over again. But tomorrow had started as soon as they’d left the bed, and he had to honor that. “What’s your plan for the day, Doc?”

“I’m going to see if the children can stay with Shawn and Caroline for a few days. I’ll get a room at the Salem Inn. I can’t go back to the house on Sycamore. I don’t think I can ever live there again, but maybe… maybe, my best friend John Black could help me look for a house to rent?” she asked with a smile.

On impulse he said, “Stay here.”

“What?” she repeated in surprise.

“Stay here… with me and Brady.” He saw that Marlena was getting ready to argue with him, so he laid his hand on her knee and rushed forward, “Think about it. I’ve got the extra room, I know the Twinners routines, I can help you with them, and you could help me with Brady.”

“John,” she hedged. “I think this could be a bad idea… especially after last night.”

“I want a life with you,” he told her. He wasn’t about to play games or beat around the bush with her. He knew what he wanted.

“John, we agreed–”

“ –we did. And I’m not going back on that. I’m backing off. I will be your best friend. I will support you, and I will help you get through this. Last night was… last night.” He stared at her with pleading blue eyes.

Marlena sighed, “It’s too soon–”

“ –too soon for what?” he asked her with a feigned look of innocence. “I am a friend, offering another friend a place to stay for a while. That’s all.”

“John, that’s not all,” she whispered. His hand on her knee was warm and comforting, and she knew that definitely wasn’t all. 

He knew why she was apprehensive. They’d just fucked like rabbits for nearly twelve hours. He leaned forward, placing both of his palms on her knees, and he told her seriously, “Sex is off the table, Doc. No more sex. Not that I would mind, but out of respect for your marriage to Roman, and what you’re going through, I will give you the space you need to make some serious decisions. So, sex is off the table. I am simply your friend… until you tell me otherwise.”

“Just my friend?” she repeated. 

“Your best friend,” he replied gently. “Let me help you. Please… and you’d be helping me too.” He saw the questions in her eyes. “I’m lonely. This house, with just Brady and I… it’s too quiet. I drink too much… I’m lonely.” Marlena’s eyebrow rose, and John laughed, “No, it’s not about sex. I just said sex was off the table. I’m lonely for interaction, and conversation… and I miss those kids. I miss you.”

What he was offering was what she dreamed of. How many times had she woken from a memory dream, only to find herself alone in her bed, or surprised to see Roman sleeping beside her? Softly, she whispered, “Okay.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I think of how you know me

No doubts, no thinking twice

When your smile can be so soothing

A familiar paradise

When there’s no one else that makes me whole

I am never wanting more

I get this feeling

I know I loved you before

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

While John made arrangements for furniture for the bedrooms the twins would use, Marlena called Bo and asked him to take her to the house on Sycamore. He knew what had happened already. Roman had blasted him that morning claiming he’d set him up on purpose, and maybe subconsciously he had. Marlena had mentioned possibly coming home early to surprise Roman. He could have said something. He still wasn’t sure whether he’d decided not to say something, or if he’d simply forgotten. Either way, Roman had been caught. After he was done raging at Bo, he’d proceeded to call his wife every trashy thing he could think of. Roman blamed Marlena for going to John, and he took no responsibility of his own in any of it.

Marlena had been quiet for the drive over, and when he placed the car in park, he saw Roman’s vehicle in the driveway. Bo looked at her, “Are you sure about this?”

“I’m sure,” she said softly. “I just need to get some things for the twins and myself. I can come back later to pack the rest of it, but I can’t stay in this house.”

“Roman offered to leave,” he said.

“No. No,” she stated firmly. “I can’t ever live in this house again. Roman has made his choice, and I made mine.”

“Living with John… do you think that’s a good idea?” he wanted to know. 

Marlena was quiet for a moment. “I haven’t decided if it’s a good idea or not, but it’s what he and I discussed, and I–I feel comfortable with it.”

Bo was silent as he gave her a brief nod. It wasn’t his place to judge her. Roman had royally fucked up, and John was a good man. He would keep her safe, and he would take care of the children. It was obvious he was still in love with Marlena, and after what Roman had told him earlier, he was fairly certain Marlena had never fallen out of love with John. “Okay. Are you ready to do this?”

Marlena placed her hand on the door handle, saying, “I’m ready.”

Roman watched his traitorous brother and his whore wife through the glass windows on the French doors. By the time the front door opened, he was standing in the middle of his living room with a look of righteous rage plastered on his face. Marlena already knew what to expect. Bo had warned her that her initial interaction with John the night before had been visible from John’s driveway. She knew what Roman had seen, but she didn’t feel guilty for it. The look on his face said he was expecting her to. She glanced at him, saying, “I’m just going to pack some things for the children and myself, and I’ll be gone.”

“I told Bo, you can have the house,” he said roughly.

“I’d rather not, Roman.” She stared at him for a moment, before saying, “This house used to hold such fond memories, but the last year has been nothing but sadness, and anger, and after last night… no, I think it best that I go.”

Roman was seething when he said with vitriol, “You were just waiting for a reason to fuck him.”

She wasn’t going to argue with him, and it was possible that there was some truth to what he was saying. She’d told Roman in Mexico that she still loved John. “Possibly. Not consciously. I put everything I had into trying to make our marriage work, but that’s hard to do with an absent partner. How long?”

“How long?” he asked in confusion.

“The affair, Roman. Last night, that wasn’t the first time,” she said. “So I’m asking you, how long were you sleeping with her?”

“I only went to her because you were so cold!” he roared. “You never wanted me to touch you. You never showed me any affection, but you sure ran to help Roger, and John, and Kim everytime they needed it!”

Knowing that she would get nowhere, Marlena sighed. She’d been trying to make headway with Roman for the better part of a year. It wasn’t going to suddenly happen then. She glanced at Bo, and then she said to her husband, “The children and I will be staying at John’s until I find a house to rent. You know his address and telephone number. We can arrange visitation.” To Bo she said, “I’ll just be a minute.”

A look of profound sadness settled on Bo’s face as he watched her ascend the stairs. She’d given up. There was no fight left in her. He glanced at Roman realizing that a fight was what Roman had been hoping for. “Let her go, Roman. Let her go.”

“Let her go?” he replied incredulously. “She’s my fucking wife.”

“Not anymore,” Bo told him. “So, you need to let her go.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I know I’ve loved you before

I’ve loved you before

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: I’ve Loved You Before – Melissa Etheridge

Chapter 31 – Photograph

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it’s the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John balanced the telephone between his shoulder and his ear, as he said, “Hello?” He lifted the pot boiling potatoes off the stove and turned towards the sink, tipping them into the colander. The steam rose up, coating his skin, as he repeated, “Hello?”

“John,” came Rebecca’s smooth voice. “How are you?”

He hadn’t spoken to her since the night he’d abruptly sent her home. “Rebecca. What can I do for you?” Sami and Eric were sitting on the floor in front of the television with Brady. Their homework was done, and they were watching the Disney Channel. It felt so much like his old life, he slipped into it effortlessly, until he heard Rebecca’s voice. 

“Well, I was hoping that giving you some time to calm down would help you reconsider another date with me?” she asked him. “That you might give me another chance?”

Did she think he was a child? He’d told her to leave because she’d been eavesdropping on a private conversation. “Rebecca. I meant what I said that night. We are not going to work out. I haven’t changed my mind.”

Rebecca sighed, “Perhaps, if you–”

John was barely paying attention when he cut her off saying, “ –Hey, Eric. Come over here and grab me the cream cheese and the butter for these mashed potatoes… the sour cream too.” Eric stood up, and ran across the room.

“Marlena’s children are there?” Rebecca asked him curiously. She laughed nervously, “Are you babysitting?”

“Babysitting? No, they’re all staying with me right now while Marlena gets on her feet,” John replied. “Look, Rebecca, I’m sorry. Things are really hectic right now, and I’ve got to finish dinner before Doc gets home.”

Rebecca was furious and frustrated. Marlena was staying at his home. She wasn’t sure what had happened, and she’d seen Roman at the police station. There hadn’t been even a hint of scandal, so what was happening? She was about to reply when John said, “I’ll talk to you later, Rebecca.” The line disconnected and she stared at the telephone in her hand in surprise. Well, that was dismissive.

“Hey thanks, slugger,” John told Eric when he slid the requested items on the kitchen island next to where John was working. “Are you hungry?”

“Yes!” Eric said excitedly. “We usually eat something Mom picks up from the pub or something premade from the grocery store, because Mom says she’s not very good at cooking.”

“Your mother is fine at cooking. What she doesn’t have a lot of is time,” John told him. After finishing the mashed potatoes, he checked the oven and took out the meatloaf. “Let’s set the table. Your mom should be on the way home, and I bet she’s hungry.”

“Papa!” Sami cried loudly. “Brady just cough-sneezed and a whole buncha poop went up his back!” John couldn’t help his chuckle of humor at the panic on her face. “I’ll tell you what Eric, you and Sami set the table, while I take care of Brady.”

Eric’s face scrunched up in disgust, “Ugh, yeah. A cough-sneeze? What even is that?”

John crossed the room, picking up his smelly baby while laughing, “I guess he coughed and sneezed at the same time and blew out his diaper.”

Sami nodded her head, “It sounded soooo gross, like poop bubbles.”

Eric gagged, and John gave Sami a stern look, “Stop that.” Eric had the most sensitive gag reflex, and Sami knew it. She would intentionally talk about gross things simply for Eric’s reaction. “Set the table. I’ll be back.”

John was walking into the living room with a clean Brady just as Sami and Eric finished up. He could hear Marlena’s car pulling into the driveway. “Perfect timing.” He settled Brady into his high chair and pulled the chilled wine from the refrigerator, pouring a glass for Marlena before he grabbed a beer for himself. “Sami, Eric… apple juice or Kool-Aid?”

“Kool-Aid!” Sami cried. She jostled her brother. “Eric, say Kool-Aid! It’s grape.”

He frowned, and then mumbled, “Kool-Aid.”

It was obvious he didn’t want it, but John’s thinking was that some day Eric would speak up, and in the meantime he didn’t seem to be put out by letting his twin sister make the choices for him. He leaned down near Eric’s ear, and whispered, “Really, buddy? Grape Kool-Aid?”

“It’s not that bad,” Eric told him with a shrug.

The front door opened, and Sami screamed. “Mama!”

John set the pitcher of Kool-Aid on the counter, and reached for the chilled glass of wine.

Marlena entered the house to such a scene of domesticity it almost overwhelmed her. John’s fingers brushed hers as he took her briefcase from her and handed her a glass of wine. He leaned close, his breath wafting over the sensitive lobe of her ear, “Dinner’s ready. Homework’s done.”

“You didn’t have to,” she said softly. She was still reeling from how a glass of wine, and him telling her the twins homework was done had turned her on. Her body practically vibrated with it.

“I had the time, and I wanted to,” he told her, setting her briefcase on the floor near the door. He brushed a lock of her hair over her shoulder, whispering, “Having you here is helping me too.”

She paused, staring deeply into John’s blue eyes. He meant it. Touching his jaw, she allowed the tips of her fingers to trail down his neck slowly, “I know.”

He took her free hand, leading her towards the dining room table laid with food. Brady started bouncing in his high chair while waving his arms around as soon as he saw her. Marlena laughed, “I’m coming! I’m coming!” If she could take that singular moment and freeze it in a photograph, she would. A single span of time that was utter perfection.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Our hearts are never broken

And times forever frozen still

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena bathed Brady while John put the twins to bed. After changing out of her wet clothes, she found John on the back porch. She imagined the space in spring and summer surrounded by the scent of lilacs. If she closed her eyes she could hear the trill of cicadas. John still had the space enclosed to block out the frigid February weather. A fire warmed the hearth, and he sat before the flames on the edge of the couch with his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his palms. On bare feet, she approached him quietly. They’d barely touched over the last few days, mostly because Marlena didn’t trust herself, and John was holding firm to his promise to give her space and be her best friend. She slid her palm over his shoulder feeling the heat of his body and the soft cotton of his t-shirt.

John’s body jerked, surprised that she had snuck up on him. He’d been lost in his own thoughts. Memories of Isabella, and guilty thoughts. He was still mourning his wife. Maybe he always would. After he’d slept with Hailey he’d barely been able to look at himself in the mirror, but Marlena… with Marlena, he’d spent the last few days staring at the scratches she’d left behind on his skin. They were fading, and he was reluctant to watch them go. He looked up at her, and then ran his fingers over his chest. He could still feel them under his shirt, and he nearly groaned. 

The scratches she’d left on the nape of his neck peeked out of the collar on his t-shirt. Marlena briefly traced one with the tip of her index finger before she took her hand away, and sat on the opposite end of the couch. She curled her legs up underneath her, and stared into the flames, saying, “I scheduled a meeting with Mickey for next week.”

“You’re going ahead with the divorce?” he asked, turning his head to look at her.

The warmth from the fire filled the space, and the sounds of birchwood crackling in the hearth brought her comfort. “I am… I’ve given it some thought, and I’ve decided that there’s nothing left to save. Maybe there never was.” She was silent for a moment, thinking about Mexico. She’d been thinking about that trip quite a lot over the last week. Quietly, she said, “I only let you go in Mexico because of Isabella and the baby… because of my own guilt over what Stefano had done to Roman–”

“ –Doc, none of what Roman went through was your fault–”

“ –I am aware of that. My guilt comes from knowing that while he was suffering… at least for part of it, I was blissfully happy. Happier than I had ever been… with you.” Her hazel eyes flashed in the firelight, and John understood what she was saying. She’d let him go and gave him a chance at a life with Isabella, and then she’d gone home with Roman to give him a chance at the life that had been stolen from him. But Isabella was gone, and Roman had fucked up every chance Marlena had given him. John waited, and then Marlena said, “It was a mistake.”

“A mistake?” he asked.

“My coming home with Roman… and letting you go with Isabella. I should have been honest with you… and with Roman.” She shifted on the couch, and then looked away. “I could have come home alone. It might have been better, because I think Roman knew. He knew I wasn’t fully invested, even as much as I tried. I think he… he could feel it. I guess I shouldn’t say that I should have fought for you. It feels cruel with Isabella gone now.”

“I understand,” he replied quietly. “Isabella did too.”

Marlena glanced over at John quickly, “What?”

He sighed, leaning back into the couch. He held his hand out to her. “Come here, Doc.” She stared at him warily, and he laughed. “I won’t ravage you… although if you wanted me too–”

She smiled at him shyly, allowing him to pull her close. Deciding not to respond to his comment about ravaging her, she scooted nearer to him. Her muscles trembled, and she couldn’t help but think about how it felt only a week before to have him buried deep inside her. She’d woken up that morning still able to feel John’s hands gripping her hips as her body arched back. Marlena closed her eyes and snuggled into John. 

He laced his fingers through hers. “I used to dream about you. I’d wake up calling out your name. Isabella knew that I was still in love with you, although she never directly asked about it. She knew, and I think, she accepted it.”

“Roman never trusted that my feelings for him were genuine. It’s possible that they weren’t. He wanted our old life back. That same ease.” Her thumb rubbed over John’s palm. “It wasn’t possible. I would dream of you, while calling out his name… and a part of him knew I wasn’t calling for him. If he didn’t know, he certainly suspected it. How could he not?” She thought about Roman’s words to her the week before, You were just waiting for a reason to fuck him. She’d never allowed herself the opportunity to consider it, always pushing her emotions for John down as far as they would go. Always forcing herself to try harder with Roman. If only she tried harder. Perhaps Roman was right. Perhaps she’s simply been waiting for the chance she really wanted.

John whispered against the top of her head, “What are you thinking about, Doc?”

She felt the color rise up her neck and settle in her cheeks. Roman had seen them. He’d seen her body arched back as John held her. She could picture it as though she stood outside of her own body. He’d seen her screaming in ecstasy. Softly, she said, “Roman saw us… the night of the storm.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Holding me close until our eyes meet

You won’t ever be alone, wait for me to come home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John processed what she said in silence. Roman had seen them. He worried about what that might do to Marlena, knowing that they had been watched. Slowly he asked, “He said something?”

“Um… well, Bo mentioned that Roman knew before we got to the house and … well, yes, Roman said something…” Marlena’s voice trailed off, and John waited. “He said that I’d been waiting for an excuse to run to you.”

He was almost certain that Marlena was giving him an edited version of what Roman had actually said, but he didn’t call her on it. Instead he was furious that Roman had complained about it to Bo. A private moment between him and Marlena wasn’t intended for anyone’s eyes. The fact that Roman had seen was a mistake, but John was enraged that Roman had gone to Bo. He could only imagine the horrible things the other man had said, and Marlena was worth so much more than that type of treatment. He looked down at her brushing the hair away from her forehead, “I’m sorry he shared that with Bo. He shouldn’t have.”

“He was angry–”

“ –it doesn’t matter. It was juvenile–”

“ –I hurt him,” she whispered.

John sat up, reaching for her face with both hands, “And he didn’t hurt you? I’m not saying what we did was right, but you were hurt. You were hurt and you needed someone. Don’t allow him to make you feel bad about that. Not after how he’s treated you for the last year. You are amazing. You’re amazing, and beautiful, and kind, and you did your best–”

“ –did I?” she asked with tears welling up in her eyes. “Did I do my best? Or did I only tell myself that?”

He pulled her close to him, telling her, “Please don’t blame yourself for this. I’ve watched him over the last year, and I promise you… you did your absolute best.”

“I–I knew I wanted you. I should have come home alone.” She meant it. Her time with Roman since their return from Mexico had been hopeless. The twins hadn’t bonded with their father, Roman had run Carrie out of the house, and he’d spent the time blaming Marlena for loving John. What had any of them garnered from it? She should have come home alone, and spent the time bonding with her children and focusing on reestablishing her professional career. 

John wasn’t sure what to say. How differently might their lives have turned out? He couldn’t think about it. He’d loved Isabella, and he’d loved his life with her and Brady… only there were times when he’d seen Marlena upset that he’d wanted to go to her. There were times when he’d dreamt of her, and woke up with the taste of her on his lips while laying next to his wife. If Isabella had lived, John wondered how it might have gone. He couldn’t imagine himself ever cheating on Isabella, and yet he’d never stopped caring for Marlena. If she had returned alone, and he’d had to watch her juggle it all alone, John knew he would have drifted further and further from Isabella. He would have made excuses to help Marlena – in her daily life, with the house, and with the children. 

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” she whispered.

John kissed her forehead, “You won’t have to find out.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul

And it’s the only thing that I know (know)

I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya

And it’s the only thing to take with us when we die

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena stood in front of the refrigerator at two o’clock in the morning. The cool air wafted over her legs, and she sighed. She’d forgotten her robe. She was thirsty, and she was feeling snackish. She was also having trouble sleeping. Her dreams were a mixture of every emotion she’d felt over the last year. Making the appointment with Mickey and her earlier conversation with John hadn’t helped. Neither did living in John’s house, and knowing that he was only a few feet away. Friends were what they needed to be until things had time to settle. She couldn’t rush into things with John and ruin any chance they had at a future. But then she thought it was possible she wasn’t rushing at all. She was exactly where she wanted to be, and she’d been fighting it for months. Reaching for a strawberry yogurt, she closed the refrigerator with a sigh, and saw John standing at the end of the kitchen island.

“Oh,” she exclaimed with a short laugh. Her hand went to her throat as she set the yogurt on the counter. “I didn’t think anyone else was awake.”

“I heard your bedroom door open. I was already awake,” he said. Her nightgown was modest in the dim light of the kitchen. Soft white cotton with a tie at the neck and little cap sleeves. However, in the light cast by the open refrigerator, he’d been frozen in his tracks. Every soft curve of her body had been on display. His fingers had twitched with the urge to touch her, and his mouth was watering as he remembered the sway of her breasts. Fuck. How was he going to stay away from her when he’d lain awake staring at his bedroom ceiling, remembering her touch and obsessing over the thought of her across the hall? He stepped closer, “Late night snack?”

“Uh-huh,” she said, rifling through the drawer for a spoon in the dark. John stepped up behind her, the length of his body pressed against her spine and her rounded ass. Reaching around her, he found a spoon, and handed  it to her. He took a step back quickly, and Marlena immediately missed his warmth. She turned around, leaning against the counter top to regain her composure, “Thank you.”

John watched her in silence as she peeled the foil back on the yogurt, and took a bite, humming softly to herself. Marlena stared at him a moment, and then lifted her spoon, “Do you want some?”

His throat closed, and his chest got tight. He needed to go back to bed, because standing there in the dark with her while eating yogurt should not be as sexy as it was. He leaned forward, wiping a bit of strawberry from the corner of her mouth and then he licked it from his thumb. “I need to head back to bed. I have an early board meeting for Eco Systems, and then Victor wanted to see me about this new publishing venture he’s starting. Are you sure you’ll be okay with Brady?”

“I love Brady,” she said softly. “I don’t mind, because you promised to drop the twins off at school.” Marlena finished her yogurt and tossed it in the trash can. After rinsing her spoon she placed it in the sink, saying, “I’m heading back to bed as well.” 

He didn’t pull away when she laced her fingers through his, and he followed her back to their rooms. They stood in the middle of the hallway, neither one of them moving. John wasn’t sure what was happening. Her hazel eyes stared up at him, and his heart was pounding, “Doc.”

Stepping closer, she squeezed his hand while she placed her other hand on his chest, whispering, “Aren’t you going to kiss a girl goodnight?”

That was all it took. He pushed her up against the wall next to her bedroom door with a dull thud, as he nearly growled, “Fuck yes.”

She moaned softly, threading her fingers up into his hair. He tasted so good. She bit softly at his lips. He could kiss her forever and she would never lose interest. It was a simple kiss, and yet it was an inferno. “John!” she whispered. “Oh, G-d! John!”

He kissed her until they were both out of breath, and then he rubbed his face alongside hers, and bit softly at her lips. Finally he pulled away, breathing hard and holding her face steady as he balanced his forehead against hers, “Goodnight, Doc.”

“John,” she whispered.

He stepped back, still breathing hard as he stared at her with nearly midnight eyes. Firmly he said, “Good night, Marlena.”

He turned, and entered his bedroom, leaving her alone in the hallway. Her fingers touched her swollen lips and she smiled gently as she whispered back, “Good night, John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Our hearts were never broken

And times forever frozen still

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Photograph – Boyce Avenue (Featuring Bea Miller)

Chapter 32 – breathe again

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Devil’s in the basement in my home

A flight of stairs is way too close

He comes for me when I’m alone

Collecting debts that I don’t owe

Follow me down where the waters run deep

I’ll let you drown in the worst of me

If my intentions are good, why can’t I come clean?

If Heaven’s above, where does that leave me?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena adjusted the snugli against her chest, patting Brady’s bottom affectionately as she stood up from dropping the last of the clothes into the dryer. The final load of laundry was in, and it was nearing Brady’s nap time. She had appointments later that day, but she was enjoying a free morning with just her and Brady. John hadn’t had an opportunity to look for another nanny, and while Caroline and Shawn had been helping out, they had their own business to run. Brushing her hand over Brady’s velvety brown curls, Marlena smiled when he looked up at her with soft fawn eyes. Eyes the color of Isabella’s, but holding the wisdom of his father.

“You look sleepy,” she said softly. “Let’s get that bottle ready, and then a nap I think.” He smiled up at her with a gappy grin, and Marlena felt such a well of love. He wasn’t her child, but she had become such an integral part of his life, he felt like hers. “You beautiful boy.”

A knock sounded on the front door. Later Marlena would regret not checking who was there first, but she’d become complacent in the last week. She felt safe in John’s home, and the tension she’d lived with for so long was gone. She shook the formula in Brady’s bottle, making sure it was well mixed and she rounded the kitchen island, walking towards the door.

Roman’s face took on a grimace when Marlena opened the door. Such a domestic scene. His wife with another man’s baby and a bottle in her hand. She’d gotten what she’d wanted all along – Isabella’s life, Isabella’s family. He’d hoped that he could beg her forgiveness and somehow get her to come home. Looking at her then, he knew it was a long shot, and all it did was enrage him. He’d been pushing Taylor away for the last week. He’d broken her heart, and Bo hated him – for what he’d done to Marlena, and what he was doing to Taylor. 

Marlena stared at Roman for a moment, and then said softly, “Roman.”

He glanced into the room behind her, his eyes landing first on the fireplace, and then on the couch. He immediately remembered her naked body straddling John, and the way she looked arched back in the firelight. She’s never looked like that with him, at least not that he could remember. The expression on her face that night had been pure abandon. He clenched his fist, feeling the sting of the split skin on his knuckles from where he punched the steering wheel in his car. He looked away quickly. 

Glancing at Marlena, he said roughly, “I came to see if there was a way for us to fix this?”

Marlena blinked her eyes slowly. Did he honestly believe there was a way to fix a marriage that was irreparably broken? “There is no fixing it, Roman. You brought another woman into our home, our bed… into our shower. You brought her into our most private spaces… at least when Don cheated on me he had enough respect to do it somewhere else. He never brought Liz into our home.”

She was comparing him to Don? What Don had done was reprehensible. Roman felt like Marlena had pushed him away. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same at all. He was confused by her calmness. Maybe he’d feel better if she cried, or raged at him. If she gave him some sort of emotion. Instead he registered nothing from her. Her voice was emotionless. “So that’s it then, Doc? That’s it? It’s over?”

“I’m not sure what you’re expecting. You know what I saw. You were there, you and Taylor were both active participants. You followed me here that night, and I know what you saw,” she sighed with fatigue. “And honestly, Roman, I don’t have the energy to try and fix it. I don’t want to fix it. The time for that is long passed–”

“ –I saw my wife fucking her ex-husband! The same man she brought into my house, and fucked in our bed–”

“ –that was a completely different set of circumstances,” she replied quietly. She gently ran her hand over Brady’s soft hair, trying to maintain her calm. Babies could sense stress and other strong emotions. She didn’t want to inadvertently upset him. 

“Was it?” Roman sneered. “You brought John Black into our bed – into our home. Did you even miss me? Was the bed even cold yet?”

As Roman’s voice rose, Marlena could feel Brady start to move around more. He turned his small face towards Roman with wide eyes, watching him warily. “You’re looking for an argument that I am not going to give you.”

“That’s the thing that I don’t understand, Doc!” Roman’s voice continued to rise, and Brady started to whine. 

Marlena bounced him gently, softly cooing to try to calm him. She patted his bottom again, and she saw Roman’s look of disgust. Giving the bottle another shake to make sure that the formula was dissolved, she placed the nipple in Brady’s mouth. He started to drink greedily, making loud gulping sounds and his eyes drooped. Quietly, she told Roman, “I can’t do this right now, Roman. Brady needs to go down for his nap, and I need to get ready for work. I have some appointments this afternoon.”

“You never have time! That’s the problem with us for the last year! We don’t connect. Everytime I tried, you had to work, or you were tired. The excuses were neverending. The twins needed you. Carrie, Roger, Kim…” His eyes narrowed, “John needed you. What about me? What about me, Doc?”

She stared at him in surprise. She could remind him that he worked nearly 70 hours a week. She could remind him that he’d missed every school function the twins had over the last year. He’d missed sporting events, dance recitals, and science fairs. She could remind him of all of it, but it wouldn’t solve anything. She knew that Roman might never fully understand the role he played in the end of their marriage. She’d buried herself in her work and her family to make up for the loneliness. She could acknowledge her own mistakes later, but not with Brady half asleep at John’s doorstep. She’d already had several conversations with John. She knew where she went wrong. With a soft sigh, she told Roman, “We can discuss this later. Not right now.”

“Busy again, huh, Doc?” He watched her with Brady. She was so natural, but she hadn’t been robbed of the early years with the twins. She’d had two years with them before Stefano took her away. He’d lost everything.

“You need to leave, Roman.” She started to close the door, but he put his foot in the way. It was the first time that she started to feel wary.

Roman practically snarled, “Not this time. You’re not going to do this on your timeline! It’s your fault! All of it! I was tortured and locked in a jail in the fucking jungle for seven G-d damned years! I spent that time hoping, praying… knowing in my heart that you were waiting on me. I thought you felt that I was alive, and that someday I would come home to you and the twins. You can imagine my surprise when the first videotape showed up proving me wrong. I was forced to watch you call him Roman. My children called him daddy! Did you even miss me?”

“Of course I missed you–”

“ –don’t fucking lie to me! The twins weren’t even a year and a half old and I was replaced.” Roman tried to push the door open, but Marlena held fast.

“Roman, you need to leave. John will be home soon, and I will not fight with you in front of Brady.” She smiled gently at Brady who stared at her with his innocent wide eyes. His bottle was almost finished, and his eyes had that drowsy look babies had just before they fell asleep. He didn’t need to be caught in the middle of her argument with Roman. “If you insist on talking, I can meet you at the house tomorrow. I’ll be there around noon. Bo and Abe were going to help me get the last of the boxes.”

Shame washed over him only making him more angry. Why was he the one feeling shame? He hadn’t asked for any of this. He hadn’t asked to be taken by Stefano, or replaced by his friends and family. None of it was his fault, and yet he was the one suffering the consequences. His children loved John, making it impossible to bond with them. His family continued to keep John in their lives, forcing him to be confronted with the man who stole his life at every turn. How was he expected to heal and move on when no one in his life tried to understand his pain? He felt his world crumbling around him, and the control he fought so hard for was lost. He reached out swiftly, wrapping his fingers around Marlena’s wrist viciously, and he tugged her roughly, “We’ll talk now.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Am I lookin’ for revival?

Am I dressed in others’ sin?

Hold my breath until I’m honest

Will I ever breathe again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John’s Jeep pulled into the driveway and started down the narrow lane. From a distance he could see another car parked in front of the house and as he got closer he realized it was Roman’s. He sped up a little, coming to a stop next to it. Marlena stood on the front porch, partially blocked by Roman’s body, but the look on her face registered fear. He got out quickly, slamming the door, and started walking towards the house with long strides. Neither one of them had noticed his approach, but it was when he heard Marlena cry out, and he saw her body jerk, that he started to run. In moments he was on the porch pushing Roman to the side. Brady was crying, and Marlena seemed to be gasping as if she would hold back a flood of tears. “Get in the house, Doc,” he told her roughly. “I’ll take care of this.”

“John,” she said softly, but she didn’t know what else to say. All she felt was relief. Relief that he was there, and relief that he would handle Roman. 

Turning to face her, he said softly, “Please?”

Without a word, Marlena touched John’s arm gently, and then turned and entered the house. Softly, she cooed and patted Brady as she walked towards his nursery. She tried to slow her breathing. “That was scary wasn’t it?” she whispered. “But don’t worry. Your Daddy is here… John is here.”

John watched her disappear inside the house, before he turned back to Roman, “You need to leave. Marlena wants you to go, and what I saw when I arrived was unacceptable. You do not put your hands on her.”

“But you do?” Roman sneered, picturing John fucking his wife on the couch just behind him. “It’s quite the little love nest you’ve got here, John. You know when I came home, I thought I finally got my life back. You had stolen everything from me. My job, my family, my house… but I got it all back, and yet here we are. My marriage to Marlena is my business.”

“It became my business when she came to my house freezing in the middle of a storm,” John told him.

Roman scoffed, “Oh, I saw how you warmed her up, you fucking bastard. You took advantage of her is what you did.”

John wanted to laugh. He’d been drunk off his ass. If anyone had taken advantage it was Marlena, not that he minded. Some of that night was still hazy, but as the alcohol wore off, he hadn’t changed his mind. He’d poured every ounce of his soul into loving her that night.

Something inside him snapped as he stared at Roman. “That job you say I stole? I worked there for five years. I was promoted, and I was given awards for heroism. You stole that from me. The house you live in? I paid the mortgage and rebuilt it after Orpheus blew it up. You stole that house from me, Roman and those children… I raised them. Me! You stole them too, and the fucking worst part of it is, you didn’t appreciate any of it! You didn’t treasure those kids! You ignored them, and you blamed them for loving me. You took my job, and my house, and my children, and my wife… but you didn’t love them or appreciate them at all. So, get the fuck off of my porch. Now.”

Roman had spent the last year watching John bend to his demands. He enjoyed the look of guilt that would flash in the other man’s eyes. He’d enjoyed the discomfort John felt when he arrived at family gatherings to find Roman watching him. Roman had gotten pleasure from all of it. That man, that version of John Black was gone. In front of Roman stood a man who was angry, and part of Roman knew it was justified. He needed to back away and regroup. “Tell Doc I’ll be at the house tomorrow, and we are going to discuss this.”

“I’ll be there as well,” John told him. He hadn’t planned to be, but he would be now. Marlena had left Roman. She had left him, and John was finished watching Roman cause her pain. No matter where their relationship went, he was her best friend. He’d promised her that. Stepping back inside his home, he started to close the door when Marlena came back into the room. Their eyes met, and without another word, John closed the door on Roman Brady. They stood in silence for a moment, and then he opened his arms to her, saying, “C’mere, Doc.”

She stepped into them, and started crying. Every emotion that she’d held in check because of Brady was suddenly released. Her fingers gripped the fabric of John’s suit jacket, and she knew her tears were soaking his shirtfront. “This week… this week with you and the children has been so amazing, and he caught me off guard. I wasn’t prepared to have the conversation that he wanted…”

“Hey. Hey… he shouldn’t have pushed you.” He held Marlena’s head against him, and he breathed her in. “I’m going with you tomorrow.”

Marlena looked up quickly, “Oh, John. No. You don’t have to. Abe and Bo will be there–”

“ –and I’ll be there too,” he said. He brushed her hair from her shoulder, and then stroked his thumbs across her cheeks. “I’m not going to allow him to bully you. I’ve watched him do it for the past year, and I tried to stay out of it because you asked me to. I wanted to respect that, but if you’ve decided it’s over, he needs to respect that as well. I intend to make sure he does.”

“Roman wouldn’t–”

“ –don’t forget, I have his memories, Marlena. I have all of them up until his death. I know Roman better than he might know himself, because I can see all of his failings for what they are – fear and insecurity. I’m not going to allow him to blame you for that,” he told her. He smiled at her with a teasing grin, “Besides, who knows? You might need an extra set of strong arms around.”

“Have I told you how amazing you are?” she whispered.

He kissed her forehead, “A few times, but a man loves to have his ego stroked.” He looked towards the kitchen, “Are you cooking?”

Marlena looked embarrassed, “I wouldn’t call it cooking. It’s an easy crockpot recipe. I don’t think those count.”

John laced his fingers through hers, and tugged her towards the kitchen, “What are we having?”

“It’s a white bean turkey chili,” she said. “I got the recipe from a girl at work.”

“I’ll tell you what,” he said, smiling down at Marlena. Her butt bumped against the kitchen island, and he boxed her in with his arms. “You go get ready for work, because I know you have appointments this afternoon. I’ll pick up the Twinners from school when Brady wakes up, or soon thereafter, and by the time you get home this evening there will be some sort of vegetable and a cornbread that I probably make from a box mix.”

Tears pricked her eyes, and she nodded her head in agreement, but otherwise she was silent. She couldn’t begin to express what she was feeling. It was too soon to tell him she loved him, even though that’s exactly how she felt. She’d loved him since the day she’d danced with him at Carrie’s birthday party. She hadn’t fully understood it then. 

John asked her softly, “Are you crying over cornbread, Doc?”

She was crying because it had been so long since she’d felt cared for or appreciated. “Yes… no… oh, I don’t know. Maybe?” She settled her palm against his chest, feeling his warmth through the cotton of his dress shirt. He looked so good in a suit and tie, and all she wanted to do was get him out of it, but that was against the rules. Her other hand wrapped around his necktie, pulling him closer. “You’re an amazing man, John Black.”

“You’re an amazing woman, Marlena Evans.” He stared down at her, whispering, “I want to kiss you so badly. Those kisses this morning in the hallway have been on my mind all day. I was in my meeting today and all I could think about was the shape of your body underneath that nightgown in the light of the refrigerator.”

Marlena’s eyes went wide, and color flooded her cheeks as she realized what he was saying. Looking away, she said, “Oh, G-d.”

John tipped her chin up, forcing her to look at him, “Don’t be embarrassed. I appreciated every inch of you.”

“John,” Marlena moaned quietly. “We are not supposed to be doing this.”

“No sex,” he reminded her. He rubbed his nose along the column of her neck, and then gently bit her earlobe, causing her to cry out. “You never said anything about flirting, and I believe, correct me if I’m wrong, you initiated the kissing this morning. I merely obliged.”

“Obliged?” She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to regain her composure. “You’re an insufferable flirt.”

“And you love it, don’t you?”

Glancing up at him, she realized his lips were inches from hers. “Oh, G-d help me, I do,” she moaned, pulling his necktie so that his lips landed on hers. John leaned against her with a deep groan and Marlena whimpered when his tongue brushed hers.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When the world’s so heavy I can’t stand

I close my eyes and start again

Though my heart is in my hand

I won’t break, gimme faith to bend

Am I looking for revival?

Am I dressed in others’ sin?

Hold my breath until I’m honest

Will I ever breathe again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena brought Kim out of her hypnosis, and the first thing Kim noticed was the wide smile on her sister-in-law’s face. Marlena stopped the recording with a click, and she said softly, “We did it. Claire came out… and Lacey too.”

“Both of them?” Kim asked with tears welling up in her eyes. “They both came out?”

“They did,” she said. She sat her notebook on the table and then leaned forward taking Kim’s hand in hers. “We have the evidence we need. We have what the judge asked for. He wanted evidence of Lacey and Claire’s existence, and I think that, combined with what I learned from my colleagues at the MPD conference. I’m feeling very hopeful, Kim. Very hopeful.”

“I want you to know that I am so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. I know that… well, I know it caused tension in your marriage, and I feel as if what happened is partially my fault–”

“ –what happened between Roman and I was already happening–”

“ –but if I hadn’t–”

“Kim,” Marlena said softly. “What happened between Roman and I… well, it was a series of mistakes on both of our parts, but I think the biggest mistake was made by myself. I should have been honest with myself in Mexico. Maybe if I had been, our lives would have turned out differently.”

“Because you still love John,” Kim said quietly.

“I will always love John, and I should have told him so. I should have been honest with Roman. At the time… it felt hopeless. Isabella was pregnant and if I let John go, they could be a family. It wasn’t as if Isabella hadn’t told me so herself. She blamed me, and she said I was hanging onto both of them. Then there was Roman. Seven years of his life was stolen, and I felt a certain amount of guilt for having lived my life while he was suffering.” Marlena stood up, walking towards the lone window in her office. “You know, Roman feels like I was never fully invested, and I feel like I tried as hard as I could. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. I won’t lie and say I stopped loving John… or dreaming of him. Roman must have felt that.”

“He should have spoken to you about it,” Kim said. 

“You’re right.” Marlena sighed. “Communication wasn’t something that Roman and I excelled at over the last year. He wanted the life back that he’d lost. But the twins aren’t babies anymore, and Carrie isn’t a child… and I? Well, I–”

“ –you’ve loved John,” Kim said. “I know that. I watched you fall in love with him. The love you and John shared was obvious, and the way he fought for you… I think Roman expected that somehow that would all be erased.”

Turning to face Kim, Marlena whispered, “As if we never spoke about it, none of it happened. But I couldn’t forget. I can’t forget, and Roman… well Roman disappeared into his work. He didn’t have to face the past if he pretended it didn’t happen.”

Kim crossed the room, and reached for Marlena’s hand, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know if I am,” Marlena said softly. “Am I wrong for saying that? Am I wrong for admitting that I feel relieved?”

“No,” Kim told her. “No. I don’t think so. I think you’re being honest.”

“I should have been honest from the beginning, but I can admit that now. Roman hurt me, but not in the way most people think. He betrayed my trust… and he gave me a reason to go straight to John.” Marlena’s hazel eyes caught Kim’s blue ones, and she whispered, “I’d been fighting my growing attraction for John for weeks. Roman’s distance, which I understand now, combined with his disinterest left me feeling lonely. John… John has always made me feel seen. If Roman hadn’t cheated, I believe I would have eventually.”

Kim understood what Marlena was admitting, and she didn’t judge her for it.

“But I want you to know, helping you was something I wanted to do. You are my family. Roman and I were going to fall apart no matter what,” Marlena said. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Again

Again

Again

Am I looking for revival?

Am I dressed on others’ sins?

Hold my breath until I’m honest

Will I ever breathe again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The night John had spent making love to Marlena was the only night since Isabella’s death that he had slept soundly. He was plagued by nightmares. Even when he was married to Isabella there were nights when he would get little sleep. She’d tried her best to comfort him, but she didn’t really understand. She didn’t have a history with Stefano, or fully understand his history with Stefano. Isabella hadn’t even fully understood John’s desire to know about his past. She was happy with him and Brady, and she wanted him to be as well. He was, but Isabella couldn’t understand the emptiness that lingered inside him. That emptiness came out during the night. 

He tossed in his bed, his eyes darting around beneath his eyelids. A soft groan escaped him, “No… no…” Abruptly his eyes opened, and he gasped for air. He was drowning. His lungs burned, and he could still feel the water filling them, and yet he was alone in his bedroom. Slapping his palm against his bare chest he coughed and took a deep breath. 

He threw his legs over the side of the bed, and rested his head in his hands. Sleep was evading him in spades, and all he could think about was the comfort and bliss he’d felt when Marlena slept next to him. He stood up, and went to his bedroom door, stopping when he reached for the door handle. “What the fuck am I doing?” He couldn’t go to her. He couldn’t slide beneath her blankets and wrap himself around her for a decent night’s sleep. Could he? Turning the doorknob, he crossed the hall, and opened Marlena’s bedroom door.

Marlena was already awake when the shaft of light from the hallway cast across her bed. She stared at the doorway to find John standing there watching her. Without a word, she shifted to the far side of the bed, and then reached for him, whispering, “I sleep better with you beside me, too.”

For the first time since he’d woken up, John was able to take a deep breath. He could breathe again. Sliding in next to her, he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her body back against him, and then he buried his face in her hair. Almost immediately, he was drifting back to sleep as he told her in a sleep roughened voice, “I just need to be near you. It helps with the nightmares.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Am I looking for revival?

Am I dressed in others’ sins?

Hold my breath until I’m honest

Will I ever breathe again?

Will I ever breathe again?

Will I ever breathe again?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: breathe again – Joy Oladokun

Chapter 33 – Open Arms

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lying beside you

Here in the dark

Feeling your heart beat with mine

Softly you whisper

You’re so sincere

How could our love be so blind?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Eric was covered in mud, and Sami’s cheeks were red from the chilled wind as they pushed through the front door. John had Brady in his arms, bundled up in his jacket although the weather was warmer than it had been. Originally the plan had been for them all to go to Eric’s softball practice together, but Marlena was getting over a head cold and John had decided that another afternoon of rest would be good for her. She’d fussed and attempted to argue, but when John had whispered in her ear that she could read a novel in the bath, she’d stopped, staring up at him with wide eyes. He could tell the idea sounded wonderful to her. So he’d said, “Take a hot bubble bath. Read a book, and rest. Put in lots of bubbles. When we get home later, we’ll all relax. I’ll make a fire on the back porch and we can make smores…”

She’d looked up at him with wide hazel eyes, whispering his name softly, “John.”

“I’ll imagine your heated pink skin while I’m coaching,” he’d said roughly. “And tonight after the twins are asleep… maybe a little kissing.”

She’d softly breathed, “Okay,” and the way her eyes had softened let him know that she wouldn’t resist. She would spend the afternoon relaxing, and John had felt the tension drain away. He cared about her more than he ever had before. It felt stronger every day, and Marlena was the type who pushed herself too hard. He would take care of her, because she deserved that, and because he wanted to.

They were nearing the end of March, which John was grateful for. It would allow him to work on more projects outside. Things he’d avoided in the winter because of the possibility of paint fumes, or sawdust in the house. He wanted to replace the windows upstairs, which would then open up more bedrooms, and possibly a master suite. In his mind it was a space he was creating for Marlena and himself, although they hadn’t spoken of the future. Marlena had mentioned once, a few weeks earlier, that maybe she needed to finally start looking for a place for her and the twins, now that things had settled down. He’d promptly talked her out of it. He was feeling guilty about it though, and felt like they would need to discuss it. If she wanted to go, he couldn’t keep her there, even if it made him the happiest man on the planet.

Marlena came down the hallway with her hair piled in a messy bun on top of her head while wearing John’s Salem PD sweatshirt and his overlarge sweatpants. He couldn’t help smiling as he imagined her rummaging through his drawers to find them. He almost groaned aloud realizing that her bath had been in his tub. Of course it had. His tub had spa jets. Clenching his fist at his side, he could imagine the slick feel of her soap covered skin under his palm. He didn’t have to be there with her. His imagination was active and alert enough to torture him all evening.

“Hey, Doc,” he said roughly, setting down the bag he kept the extra bats in. Immediately Brady started looking around until his eyes landed on the woman he was looking for. The small boy started huffing excitedly, and kicking his legs, trying to get to her, which caused John to laugh. “Hold old there little man. Hold on!”

Sami laughed, shrugging out of her coat, “He wants Mama! That’s funny how hyper he gets.”

Brady’s voice got louder, expressing his displeasure at not being immediately delivered to the person he wanted, and his arms flapped as Marlena approached him with a smile, “How’s my boy?”

John handed Brady over, and then turned his focus to Eric’s muddy state, “Okay, slugger. Remember what I said in the car? Clothes off.”

Eric smiled, “Yup.” He  slipped his shoes off, and then stripped down to his underwear in front of the door, leaving his muddy uniform on the hardwood floor. He laughed when his Papa scooped him up like a sack of potatoes and started carrying him toward the hallway.

John said over his shoulder, “I’m going to toss this dirtball in the shower, then I’ll be back to get that mess.”

Sami stood there with her eyes scrunched in concentration, as if she were thinking very hard. Finally she turned to her mother, and asked, “Dirtball? I thought that was a mean word?”

Marlena smiled at her daughter as she sat on the couch with Brady, working to disengage him from all of the layers of clothing his father had buried him in. “I suppose sometimes it is a mean word, but given the state your brother is in right now, I would call it an accurate description.”

Sami was quiet for a moment. Eric had been covered in mud. She’d watched him slide into third base with a groan, and then she’d seen their Papa smack his forehead in frustration. And Eric had kind of looked like a ball of dirt. “So a word can be a mean word, and also not a mean word?”

“Yes,” her mom told her, but then she paused, and looked at Sami. “Words always have meaning behind them. If someone does something awful, or hurtful, and you are angry when you call them a dirtball, then the meaning is different than if Eric is covered in mud, and your Papa laughs and calls him a dirtball.”

“‘Cause Papa was taking him to the shower?”

“Exactly,” Marlena told her. “Do you understand now?”

Sami shrugged, “I guess. I just think grownups are confusing.”

Marlena laughed, “I’m an adult and I would have to agree with you.” She lifted Brady up to her chest, kissing his cold pink cheeks, and she asked Sami, “Can you put Brady’s things away? I’ll start the laundry.”

Sami glanced at her twin brother’s pile of muddy clothes, and then she reached for Brady’s things on the couch quickly. She wasn’t going to touch Eric’s filthy clothes, that’s for sure. Snatching up Brady’s jackets, she said quickly, “Deal!” and she ran from the room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We sailed on together

We drifted apart

And here you are by my side

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Are you ready for a fun Friday night little man?” Marlena asked Brady. She was feeling much better after her hot bath and a few hours to herself. John had been right, but time alone was time to think… or fantasize. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts she said, “Pizza and a movie. The pizza should be here any–” The doorbell rang, and Marlena’s eyes went wide, “Well if that isn’t providence.”

Marlena crossed the room, and opened the door only to find herself staring at Roman. She hadn’t seen him since their conversation at the house the day she’d finished moving her things out, and it hadn’t gone well. Roman had made a lot of accusations that day, and it had ended with him calling her a slut. He’d screamed it, and even though they were in the kitchen Marlena had known immediately that everyone else in the house had heard him. She’d been immediately grateful that the children weren’t there. She’d stared at him with hurt eyes, just as John had burst into the kitchen flanked by Abe and Bo. There wasn’t even time for her to react, because John pulled her out, while saying loudly to Roman, “This conversation is fucking over.”

Roman had sputtered and raged trying to make excuses for what he’d done, but that was hard to do with Abe and Bo staring at him with hard eyes, so he’d left the house. The rest of them had finished packing in near silence. 

He stared at Marlena for a moment, watching as Brady smiled up at her and patted her cheek affectionately. Clearing his throat he said, “I, um, I was hoping I might be able to take the twins to the pub for dinner tonight and then maybe take them to get some ice cream.”

“I wish you’d called, Roman.” Marlena shifted Brady to her hip. “Eric is in the shower, and they’ve just gotten back from Eric’s baseball practice.”

He felt embarrassed and frustrated. He shouldn’t have to ask permission to see his own children. “So you’re telling me I have to schedule time with my own kids?”

“That’s probably best. It’s been a long week for them, and then Eric’s baseball practice. We were planning a relaxing night at home.” She saw Roman’s eyes turn hard as she said, “Tomorrow would be better. They’ll have had a good night’s rest, and I’ll have them do their homework in the morning. You could pick them up at lunch.”

“I have to work tomorrow,” he said roughly. “They’re my kids, Doc. I shouldn’t have to schedule time with my own fucking kids.”

Sami stood in the shadows of the hallway trembling slightly as she watched her parents. They were arguing again. She hated it when her Dad yelled. He yelled a lot. She wasn’t sure if she loved him or she hated him. Sometimes he was nice and he made her laugh, other times he scared her and his eyes got an evil look that made her want to hide. Turning on her heel she ran to get her Papa. He’d know what to do. He always did.

Marlena sighed, “You need to leave Roman. You cannot get the twins tonight. Tomorrow would be best, or Sunday if you’d like–”

“ –I said I have to work!” he yelled.

Brady’s eyes went wide, and then Marlena felt him being lifted from her arms. John was behind her, and she felt a calm wash over her. She could feel him standing directly behind her quietly. Taking a breath, she told Roman, “I think it would be best for you to give me your work schedule, and then we can work out visitation. I’ve mentioned it before, Roman. But, tonight is not a good night.” Just as she finished saying that, another car pulled into the driveway.

Roman watched with narrowed eyes as John handed Brady over to Sami, who watched him with wary eyes. He hated that look, and Sami was almost always looking at him like that. A deer caught in headlights, and he’d never put a hand on her. It made him even more angry. Marlena was poisoning his children against him. “I can’t be sure of my schedule, Doc! You know that.” 

“You can, and we both know that,” she told him as the pizza delivery person started to ascend the stairs.

“Why?” Roman yelled. “Because John did?”

“Roman!” Marlena had lost her patience. “Because Abe does, and because Bo does too. And, yes! Because John did! You choose to work outside of your scheduled hours, and that is for you to work out. Not me!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So now I come to you

With open arms

Nothing to hide

Believe what I say

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“You want to talk about it?” John asked Marlena softly. He’d just finished taking out the garbage and the pizza boxes from dinner, and after checking on the kids he’d made his way to the back porch. 

“What is there to say? No amount of my attempting to reason with Roman will do any good if he continues to believe that he is the victim in all of this.” She allowed her head to fall onto the cushion behind her and she stared at the heavy wood that made up the support beams of the porch. “I thought, when we first came back from Mexico, that Roman’s hatred of you, and his bitterness at the family over what had happened would fade with time. I thought he would come to understand that we were all victims, but he hasn’t. Even his affair with Taylor… he has somehow managed to make that my fault.”

“It wasn’t,” he told her softly, sitting on the floor near her curled up knees. He allowed his head to rest on her calf, and he closed his eyes when he felt her fingers thread into his hair. 

“I know that,” she whispered.

John looked up at her in the firelight, “You’re so beautiful.”

Marlena chuckled. She was still wearing John’s sweats, and she knew her hair was a tangled mass on top of her head. “John, I’m a mess. After my bath, I just threw on whatever and–”

“ –a fucking beautiful mess,” he told her. “I keep imagining you in the bath surrounded by bubbles. Come down here and sit with me.”

Marlena blushed slightly, and then took the hand he offered her, sliding into his lap. She rubbed her face into his warm neck with a soft sigh. “I’m so happy here, and that scares me so much.”

“Happiness for us does seem to be short lived,” he replied. He kissed her temple, and then rubbed the tip of his nose along her cheek.

“I want to be this happy all the time,” she told him. She tipped her face to look up at him, watching the firelight play over his features. Yawning widely, she whispered, “I want to be this happy all of the time with you… but we can’t stay here forever.”

“I want you here,” he told her. “I want you here for as long as you’re willing to stay. I want you, and Eric, and Sami… I want you all here, in this house, with me. If you want to go… I won’t force you to stay, but Doc, I want you here.”

“You know what it looks like,” she said softly. She knew people at the hospital were talking, and Abe and Bo were confused as well, even though they wouldn’t ask questions.

“Who the fuck cares what it looks like, Doc? You’re happy. Eric is opening up more, and Sami is getting in trouble at school less frequently.” He looked down at her, and he said, “You’re sleeping better.”

Marlena smiled, reaching up to touch his face gently. “You only know that because you check on me.” 

“I do,” he told her. “I wake up sometimes, and I–I can’t get back to sleep until I check on everyone. I probably sound neurotic–”

“ –you don’t. I do that sometimes. I wake up, and I wander around the house.” She looked away because John’s gaze had suddenly become intense. Those were the moments when she wanted to slip into his bedroom, and she couldn’t do that. Not with the children in the house.

“You could come to me,” he told her softly.

“You know I can’t.” She didn’t want to confuse the children, and she knew that sleeping next to John would eventually lead to making love, which they were trying to avoid for the time being. 

Leaning down slightly, he watched her intently as he brushed his thumb over her bottom lip. “But eventually you will, Doc. Eventually, you will sleep beside me every night.”

“John,” she whispered. It was a warning to him, and yet her body had its tells. Her skin pebbled, and her abdomen shook. She nearly vibrated in his arms. She wanted to sleep with him every night. 

“I know,” he sighed, pulling back. As much as he wished he could continue to seduce her, because he knew she would give in, he didn’t. Kissing her forehead softly, he repeated, “I know.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So here I am

With open arms

Hoping you’ll see

What your love means to me

Open arms

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John’s fingers laced through Marlena’s as he led her through the darkened house towards her bedroom. He wished he were leading her to his bed, but they weren’t ready for that yet, even though he dreamed of her every night. “The weather is starting to warm up,” he whispered in the darkness. “I’ll be able to start working on those closed off rooms upstairs soon now that it’s not so bitterly cold outside.”

“What needs to be done up there?” she asked him.

“The windows need to be replaced in the whole house, but especially upstairs. The plasterwork in one of the bedrooms needs to be redone, and I want to see if I can get the upstairs fireplace working.” 

Marlena’s eyes went wide, “There’s an upstairs fireplace?”

“In the master bedroom, but I’m going to open it up more. It’s a lot of extra space. I wanted to combine the master bedroom with the attached sitting room, turning it into a suite. I want to upgrade the bathroom. The master bedroom has a small nursery attached as well, which I might open up to make the closet larger.” John was quiet as they stopped in the hallway outside their bedrooms. He’d been thinking about that nursery for awhile. Did he want more children? He did, but he wanted them with Marlena, and they were still in limbo as to the direction of their relationship.

“Can I see it?” she asked him quietly.

“Upstairs?” He stared down at her, and then glanced at their hands when she squeezed his fingers. “Yeah, Doc… yeah, you can see it.” He walked her over to the staircase, and led her up the stairs. The woodwork was beautiful, original to the house, and Marlena wondered about how many families had pounded up and down those stairs. Once they reached the top he pushed the large sheet of plastic to the side. “It’s drafty up here. Are you going to be warm enough?”

Marlena smiled at him, “I’ll be fine.”

He flipped on the lights, and watched with a grin as Marlena looked around in awe. “John! There’s so much space up here. I thought… well, I don’t know what I thought. From the outside it doesn’t seem–”

“ –yeah. The ceilings up here are angled, but they are also higher so it’s not much of an issue. I was thinking about–”

“ –I bet it’s so bright up here during the day,” she whispered. “The children will love it–” She stopped speaking quickly, realizing what she’d said. “I meant–”

“ –no,” he said. “Don’t try to cover up what you said, because it’s what we both want. Just because we’re not making love doesn’t mean we can’t be honest with each other, Doc. I want you here. I want the children here.” He touched her face softly, “I want this to be our home… I want you to want that too.”

“I’m scared.” She glanced around, imagining what it might look like when John was finished. If he made the space around her into a space for the children, then they could keep a sanctuary downstairs. She couldn’t imagine having a space upstairs while the children slept downstairs. Images of teens sneaking out of the house at all hours flashed in her mind, and she looked up at John. “I’m scared to imagine myself happy. Isn’t that odd?”

“I want to know what you’re thinking,” he said softly. “I want us to be honest with each other, to find a way forward… together. Because, Doc, I want to do this with you. I want us to make a life together… I want that more than I ever wanted anything.”

“John, you’re still mourning Isabella, and I’m not even divorced–”

“ –I know that. I know that, but I also know that I’m not letting us walk away from each other again. We can live together as best friends for the next year, but I can’t let you go. I need you to be here with me, and we both need to understand that at some point, we are going to be more than simply friends.”

“We already are… and why does that scare me so much?” she asked. “Why am I so afraid that it will be stolen from us?”

“I love you,” John told her. “I love you with every single cell in my body. I never stopped.” He stroked over her cheek, noticing that it felt cool. “We can take our relationship slowly, but don’t ask me to pretend that we don’t know what the future holds for us. My future is you, Marlena. It’s you, and those kids downstairs. Tell me you know that.”

Her heart was hammering in her chest as she stared up at him. Softly she whispered, “I know that. Maybe… maybe I just needed to hear you say it.”

“Anytime you have doubts, baby… I’ll remind you.”

“It feels so sudden–”

“ –but it’s not. You know it’s not, because we never really said goodbye, did we? Even when Isabella was alive, and you were married to Roman, we came to each other for the hard stuff. We were putting off the inevitable.”

“And the inevitable is you?” she whispered.

“Yes… and you.” John slid his arm around her waist, allowing his hand to slip up underneath the hem of her sweatshirt. His fingers danced across her spine, and then they stopped moving completely. “Fuck, Doc… no bra?”

“That’s the great thing about sweatshirts,” she laughed. “You never can tell.”

John’s forehead rested on hers, and he tried to control his breathing. Laying his palm flat against her warm skin, he tried to pull himself together. “We should get back downstairs.” His palm slid around, wrapping around her ribs until his thumb brushed the underside of her breast. She was so G-d damned soft. Warmth, and velvet against his skin. He groaned quietly, “You are so fucking soft.”

Marlena sucked in a small gasp of air, as John’s thumb rubbed across her nipple once. She closed her eyes, willing his hand to pluck her, but he didn’t. Sliding his palm lower, he pulled it from her sweatshirt, and stepped back slightly.

“Are you ready to head back downstairs?” he asked her.

“John?” His eyes met hers, pulling her in, and she asked him softly, “I still get a goodnight kiss at my bedroom door, don’t I?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Living without you

Living alone

This empty house seems so cold

Wanting to hold you

Wanting you near

How much I wanted you home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena’s eyes flew open, and her body arched from her mattress as every muscle in her body clenched and rolled. Her skin hummed, and her nipples peaked, even as she gasped in an attempt to catch her breath. She could still hear John’s whispered words as he commanded her, “Come for me. Now. Come for me, Doc.” Still trying to get a grasp on where she was, Marlena rolled onto her side and curled into herself. Her body was still trembling with the force of her orgasm, and she closed her eyes tightly trying to still herself. Images of John’s kiss against the wall near her bedroom had become the things of fantasies as she’d dreamt that he pushed into her bedroom and made love to her on her bed. “I can’t keep doing this,” she whispered softly to herself as she rolled onto her back. She stared at the ceiling of her bedroom still feeling the ache deep inside her core as her body came down. Pushing her hair back from her face, she repeated, “This is ridiculous.”

The clock beside her bed said it was just after three in the morning. She felt like there was no way she would be able to get back to sleep. Reaching for her novel in the darkness, she felt her fingers find purchase on the smooth edges, and she grabbed it. “Staying in here is going to solve nothing,” she mumbled, rolling to her side and dropping her feet to the floor. Marlena arched her back, as she stood up, and then trekked into the living room praying that the coals in the fireplace were still banked, so she could get it restarted by shuffling things around and tossing in a log or two. 

Marlena was kneeling in front of the fireplace when she heard John’s soft voice behind her, “Couldn’t sleep, huh?”

“Something like that,” she said standing up. The specifics weren’t necessary, even if she could swear she could still feel the gentle slide of his tongue along the folds of her pussy. She schooled her features before she turned to face him with a soft smile. “Seems like you had some trouble yourself.”

“I was dreaming about you,” he said, watching her intently. There was a beauty about her that was more than just physical. Having her in his home, in his physical space, brought him joy. It brought him peace. He looked forward to coming home again. He looked forward to waking up in the morning.

Softly, she whispered, “I was dreaming about you.”

Holding out his hand, he stepped closer to her, watching the flames dance across her skin. “Come lay with me on the couch.”

It was so easy with him. She stepped closer, willingly walking into John’s embrace. She settled her cheek against his bare chest and breathed deeply trying to figure out why she was still keeping him at a distance. In the back of her mind she saw one word – fear. Was she afraid? And, if so, what was she afraid of? Closing her eyes, she focused on the feel of John’s large palm sliding underneath her hair along the back of her neck. She sighed softly, “Okay.”

John was willing to take things with Marlena as slowly as she wanted to take them. He knew she was skittish, and he was fairly certain he knew why, but he would let her come to her own conclusions. Leading her towards the couch, he laid down, pulling her with him. He pressed his spine against the back of the couch and tucked her in front of him, trying not to groan aloud when her ass pushed against his cock. He kissed her temples softly, and brushed her hair back from her face. “Get some sleep, baby.”

She didn’t realize she was still holding her novel until it slipped from her fingers and hit the floor with a dull thud. It felt so good. He felt so good. His scent surrounded her, and her restless mind immediately calmed. She was with John and she was safe. Sleep came over her like a wave.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But now that you’ve come back

Turned day into night

I need you to stay

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The morning sun was streaming in the front window when John’s eyes fluttered open. His body was stiff from sleeping in the same position for hours. Closing his eyes again, he moaned softly, pulling Marlena closer to him. She felt so good against him, all soft curves and soft skin. His bliss was short-lived when he heard a giggle. Opening his eyes, he saw Sami and Eric standing beside the couch watching them. He glanced down at Marlena, still asleep in his arms. So fucking beautiful. He didn’t want to get up, but with the twins staring at him with wide eyes, it was time to start the day.

With a sleep roughened voice, he said, “I suppose you’re hungry?”

Sami’s bright blue eyes went wide, and she asked, “Pancakes?”

John chuckled lightly, “I think we can manage pancakes. Just let me maneuver out of here without waking up your–”

“ –I’m awake,” Marlena mumbled. “Somebody’s giggling woke me up.”

Eric gave Sami a sharp look, “I told you to leave them alone.” He’d liked watching them sleep. He wasn’t sure why. He just did.

“I couldn’t help it,” Sami said defensively. “Mom snored.”

“I do not snore,” Marlena said, pushing her hair out of her face as she struggled to get herself into a sitting position.

John stared up at her thinking again about how beautiful she was in the morning as he said, “Sure you do, Doc. Soft little snores–”

“ –John! I don’t snore!” But even as she said it, she was taken back in time to another place when she felt they’d had the very same conversation. Softly she mumbled, “I don’t snore.”

Crawling around her, John whispered in her ear, “The fucking cutest little snores.”

Smacking his arm, Marlena said to his retreating back, “I don’t snore!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So now I come to you

With open arms

Nothing to hide

Believe what I say

So here I am

With open arms

Hoping you’ll see

What your love means to me

Open arms

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Open Arms – Journey

Chapter 34 – Someone To Watch Over Me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There’s a saying old, says that love is blind

Still we’re often told “Seek and ye shall find”

So I’m goin’ to seek a certain lad I’ve had in mind

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena shuddered when she felt Stefano’s beefy hand slide along her hip. She could smell the Strega on his breath, and she fought to keep herself from flinching. His cologne settled on her skin like oil. He was always touching her, and she was forced to endure it. He hoped to win her over. She knew that, but she also knew there was no chance of it. There would never be a day, a moment when she welcomed his touch. He’d taken everything from her – her husband, her children, her life. No, as much as Stefano wished she would reciprocate his love, she knew she never would. Unable to take it any longer, she slowly pushed his hand away from her, and stepped back, staring at him with steady eyes. “I’ve asked you not to touch me.”

Stefano gave her a feral smile. “It will only be a matter of time, Marlena, and then you will welcome my touch… perhaps as a friend… or perhaps as a lover.”

“I’ve told you,” she said firmly. “I love Roman. If you’d allow me to return home–”

“ –you are home,” he said. He stared at her for a moment. “There are ways, you know. Ways in which I could make you love me.”

She abruptly took another step back, her eyes widening with surprise. Was he suggesting force? He’d never gone that far.

Stefano laughed, holding his hand up as if to placate her. “No, my dear Marlena. I do not have to resort to rape, although one might consider it a rape of the mind… taking away one’s memories.”

He’d done that Roman. He’d taken Roman’s memories and his face, returning to her a husband who couldn’t remember their life together and looked like a stranger. She knew what he was suggesting and it scared her. She would never willingly give her body over to Stefano, but if he took away the very essence of who she was… Lifting her chin so that she could stare at him with fierce eyes, she said vehemently, “I would never forget Roman. I couldn’t! Our love is too strong!”

His laugh rang ominously in her ears as Stefano said, “My Queen… if you only knew.”

Something about what he said and the way he said it had weight settling in the pit of her stomach. She’d been living that way for years – on edge, never certain of Stefano’s next move. It wore on her, making her perpetually nervous and consumed nightly with vibrant, vivid, nightmares. “I hate you,” she hissed.

He laughed again, “Ah, my beautiful Marlena. I love your fire. Someday soon, it will be for me…”

Marlena woke up gasping for air. Her fingers settled at her throat as she mentally told herself she was safe. She was in her bed in John’s house. The dreams were debilitating at times. She couldn’t be sure what was fabricated by her mind and what was real. They had always believed that she’d been in a coma for those five years she was missing, but what if… She shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself as she shivered trying to shake off the dream. It was just a dream. Nothing more, and yet she wondered. When she woke in San Cristobal there had been no muscle weakness at all. She hadn’t struggled to walk, or gotten fatigued quickly, and that led her to believe that possibly, just possibly, she hadn’t been in a coma all of that time. But if not, that led her mind to darker places. Where was she? Where had she been? And what had Stefano done to her? Gaps in her memory came with fear. Fear of the unknown. 

She threw off her blankets and stood up, going to the window to look out over the side yard. Wasn’t that how John felt all of the time? As if a part of himself was missing. Without thought, she turned towards her bedroom door and started walking. If she needed anything right in that moment, she needed John.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Looking everywhere, haven’t found him yet

He’s a big affair I cannot forget

Only man I ever think of with regret

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The door slid open slowly, as Marlena entered quietly on bare feet. She immediately had second thoughts as she stared at John’s slumbering form in his bed. Tangled with dark sheets around his hips, his unclothed chest begged to be touched. Looking over her shoulder she debated leaving, but then her dream came back to her. It was the whole reason she stood there. She was feeling so lost and alone. John could take those feelings away from her. John would hold her in his arms and watch over her as she slept. The door was almost silent as she closed it behind her, telling herself it was just for the night. 

Stepping towards the side of the bed, she lifted the blankets and slid in beside him. There was no need to wake him, all she needed was his warmth and his presence to feel safe, although when he woke he’d likely be surprised. He turned towards her with a heavy sigh, wrapping his arms around her waist while pulling her closer. In his sleep he mumbled, “You feel so good, baby.”

Another sigh left her soft lips. That’s what she needed – his scent, his soft words, his strength. She could feel the tension draining from her body as she kissed John’s neck softly, and allowed her eyes to close when her cheek settled on his chest. 

John was somewhere between waking and dreaming when Marlena’s soft scent wrapped around him. His mind pulled him towards wakefulness as he felt the slide of a feminine foot along his calf. John moaned, “Tell me this isn’t a dream.”

“It’s not a dream,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you… I had a nightmare, and I… I didn’t want to be alone.”

“Waking up to you in my arms is like having an angel watching over me.” He rubbed his face in her hair as he pushed her onto her back. Marlena’s soft gasp had blood rushing to his cock. Groaning softly, he pushed his length against her hip, and then his lips were on hers in the dark. He nipped at her lips gently, kissing her over and over again with a gentleness that took her breath away. “G-d, woman,” he whispered between lazy kisses. John’s mouth trailed over her jaw, and then towards her ear under the fall of her hair. Her body shuddered underneath him as she arched into it. Pushing his heavy cock against her hip one last time, John rolled onto his back with a soft growl.

Marlena stared at the ceiling in the darkness breathing deeply. Her body tingled and her core ached. She closed her eyes tightly, whispering, “Maybe I shouldn’t have come in here.”

He reached for her hand laying on the bed beside him, lacing their fingers together, and he replied, “I want you here… perhaps a little too much.” She moved to leave but he held her hand tightly. “That doesn’t mean I want you to leave… don’t leave, Doc.”

She fell back to the mattress. “I had a dream.”

“And you came to me,” he said with a smile. “I want you to come to me, baby. Always.”

“I sometimes wonder if I was really in a coma for those five years that Stefano had me,” she whispered into the darkness. “I have dreams… and they seem so real. They seem like memories. I dreamed that he was touching me, pressuring me to be his lover, and I swear… I could smell the Strega on his breath and the thickness of his cologne.”

John was reflective for a moment before rolling towards her. Reaching over, he tucked a stray hair back behind her ear. The dim light of early dawn cast the room in a gray haze making the outline of her features soft. “It’s possible, Doc. We both know that, perhaps more than anyone else.”

“It makes me afraid,” she whispered, looking up at him. “It makes me feel unstable… out of control.”

“I understand,” he said softly. “I have moments where a new memory will come to me abruptly, or in my sleep the way yours did, and it makes me question everything I know. It’s a fear of the unknown.”

“What if…” her voice trailed off, and she felt the sting of tears welling in her eyes.

“Hey.” John lowered his face so that he could see her more clearly. He wiped a tear from her cheek. “Hey, Doc. Hey… don’t cry.”

“I find myself wondering if I had sex with him either willingly or unwillingly… how would I even know? And the thought disgusts me. It makes me sick inside, and in my dreams, he wants me and he’s quite insistent that he will have me. Tonight he threatened to rape my mind.” Marlena felt sick even saying it aloud.

“He’s gone, Doc. He died. I watched him fall into the fiery pit in Mexico.” John’s fingers smoothed across her soft skin as he whispered, “He can’t ever hurt us again.”

“John?” Her soft fingers reached for him, gently dancing across the warm skin at his hip. His body trembled under her hand, and she tangled her fingers into the flannel fabric of his pajama bottoms. Tugging him closer, she begged him softly, “Kiss me again.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’d like to add his initial to my monogram

Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Papa?” Sami whispered as she leaned close to John. She had been scared because she couldn’t find her Mama. When she looked over and saw her mother snuggled into her Papa’s side, she suddenly felt safe again. She knew that her mother had nightmares and she didn’t want to wake her up. Marlena’s blonde hair covered her face, and her hand laid on John’s abdomen. It left Sami feeling confused, but also protected. Maybe her Papa made them all feel safe again after everything feeling so uncertain for so long. Reaching out gently, she touched her Papa’s face as she’d done so many times before. A part of her felt the same fear that she’d felt for the past year, and she reminded herself that Papa promised he wasn’t leaving this time. “Papa?”

“Sami?” he asked in a groggy voice. “Sami, what time is it?”

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “But Brady woke up, and I tried to make a bottle, but I don’t think I did a very good job and–”

“ –don’t worry, Peanut. I got it.” He slid his feet over the side of the bed. He must have forgotten the baby monitor in the living room the night before. 

Sami stared at her Papa and then asked, “How come Mama is sleeping in here?”

John reached for his robe, saying softly, “Remember when you used to have nightmares and you would come crawl into my bed? Well, Peanut, it’s kind of the same. You’re mother had a bad dream–”

“ –so she came to sleep with you ‘cause you make her feel safe?”

“Exactly the same,” he said, scooping Sami up into his arms as he headed towards the bedroom door. He was hoping Marlena might sleep in a little more, but when he glanced back he saw her staring at him with wide eyes. He could tell that she was worried about Sami finding her there, so he kept going, walking into the hallway and pulling the door shut softly behind him. “So, Brady needs a bottle, huh?”

“Yeah, Eric’s playing with him, and I tried to make the bottle, but I didn’t do a very good job.”

John headed towards the kitchen. “I’m sure you didn’t do a horrible jo–” He stopped in his tracks when he rounded the kitchen island to find the countertop and the floor covered in a mix of baby formula and water. That was going to be a sticky mess to clean up. He heard a small sob come from Sami, and he said quickly, “Hey… hey, accidents happen. It’s no big deal. We’ll clean it up together, okay?”

Sami had expected him to yell, or to blame her, but he didn’t and her young mind couldn’t understand why that made her cry even more. “I dropped it. I’m sorry.”

John sat the little girl on the counter, and tipped her chin so that she was forced to look at him. “What’s this all about, Sami?” She seemed frightened, as if she were afraid of his reaction, and he’d never done anything that would lead to her being afraid of him. But then he immediately thought of Roman. Had Roman done something that would cause this? He remembered the way Sami had run to him a few days earlier when Roman had shown up unannounced. She’d seemed scared then too. Pulling her close, John laughed, trying to put her at ease. “You know what Peanut? Why don’t you go run and help Eric entertain Brady, and I’ll take care of the bottle.” She stared up at him with watery blue eyes, still unsure. Wanting to reassure her, he said, “If you do me that favor… I might make some pancakes, and I think I know a pancake monster named Samantha Gene Brady.”

Sami wiped her eyes, and giggled slightly, saying in a more confident voice, “I’m not a pancake monster!”

“Are you sure?” he asked. “Because I’ve seen you eat four pancakes in one meal, and that is a lot of pancakes.”

She hopped down from the edge of the countertop, and as she ran towards Brady’s room she called over her shoulder, “I bet I can eat five now!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There’s a somebody I’m longin’ to see

I hope that he turns out to be

Someone who’ll watch over me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John had made Brady’s bottle and passed it off to the twins. He’d then returned to the kitchen to tackle the sticky mess of powdered baby formula and water that seemed to have congealed into wall paper paste. He was rinsing out the kitchen sponge when he heard Marlena’s soft voice behind him, “It was Roman that made her so scared.”

He could hear the sadness and the tears in her soft voice before he even saw her face. John sighed, “You know, I haven’t kicked his ass out of respect for you and the rest of the Brady family, but this might just push me to it.”

“I’m not trying to make you angry… but I want you to understand that the last year wasn’t just hard on me. It was hard on all of us. Roman’s unpredictability had us all walking a fine line of tension. It almost became second nature… until we moved in with you.” Marlena wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Sami and Eric wanted to surprise me with breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day. Roman had been gone all night on a stake out, and I was still asleep. He came home and caught them in the kitchen. He felt that they were too young to be in there alone, and he’s right, they were… but he handled it horribly. He yelled, scaring both of them, and he told Sami that what she was doing was stupid. She got angry and then tossed the whole bag of pancake mix all over him before she fled the kitchen crying. Roman was covered head to toe in baking mix, Sami was in tears and angry, and Eric… I found Eric in his closet surrounded by stuffed animals with his face buried in a pillow screaming. We’d barely been back from Mexico for five months…”

“You never told me you were having problems, Doc.”

Marlena looked away from him, “You were getting ready to marry Isabella, and you were… so happy. Maybe, I just wanted to pretend that we were happy too.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood

I know I could always be good

To one who’ll watch over me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman slammed the papers down on his desk in fury. Fucking divorce papers. She wasn’t even going to try. He’d offered to go to marriage counseling, but she’d refused. She’d refused him everything!

Roman sighed loudly, staring at his wife standing across the kitchen from him. He hadn’t wanted to have a conversation with her there. Not where Bo, Abe or John could overhear every word. “Look, Doc, I’m willing to try marriage counseling as long as it’s not all about me. You need to admit to your mistakes too. You need to acknowledge that you brought John into your life and your bed–”

“ –I will admit no such thing, Roman! I made mistakes, I’ll admit that, but I told you in Mexico that it was much more complicated than you were making it. I wasn’t ready to make a decision about my future, but I did… I wanted to give you a chance to get back the life that Stefano stole from you–”

“ –Stefano?” Roman laughed. “Don’t you mean John?”

“John didn’t steal your life, Roman.” Marlena was already exhausted and their conversation had barely begun.

“Oh, that’s right, Doc. You gave it to him.” Roman sneered. 

“That’s unfair,” she said. “You don’t know how it was, and you won’t listen when I try to explain… or even when Bo or your mother tries to explain. Stefano made sure that we believed–”

“ –believed? Come on, Doc! Stop with the bullshit! Kimmy already told me that you were in love with John when you thought he might be Stefano.” He stepped closer, “You pushed me away for a year, and you blame me for my affair with Taylor? You were cold. You were ice! You were looking for a reason to crawl back into his bed, and I sure gave you one didn’t I? You’re a slut. You wanted him all along because you’re a fucking slut!”

The door to the kitchen slammed open, hitting the wall and John stormed in with rage filled blue eyes. He reached for Marlena’s hand where she stood near the doorway, and as he pulled her from the room he told Roman, “This conversation is over!”

Roman stared at the thick packet of papers again. It outlined everything – how they would split the property, their finances, and even custody and visitation with the twins. All he had to do was sign it, and the only thing holding him back was the knowledge that signing those papers meant he was acknowledging his own failure. He pounded his fist on the desk with a roar of rage.

The door to Roman’s office opened, and the last person he wanted to see was standing there looking at him with sad eyes. Taylor. He’d been avoiding her, even knowing it was wrong. Shoving the paper back into the envelope they’d arrived in, Roman said roughly, “I’m busy right now, Taylor.”

What little hope she’d held onto evaporated with one look at Roman Brady. Steeling herself to say goodbye, she said, “I turned in my resignation. I’m going back to Ohio. I’ve got family there and they’re hiring police officers in my hometown, so–”

“ –Jackson, Ohio? Come on Taylor! You hate that place! You left that place!”

“Small town living might be just what I need right now,” she said quietly. “Anything would be better than this hell… and I think I need family right now.”

He stood up, dropping the envelope with his divorce papers on the desk. He was feeling panicky. “Look, just give me some time to figure out–”

“ –no. You had time. I can’t do this anymore, because no matter how much time I give you, you’ll never be able to make me feel like you really wanted a life with me. I deserve more,” she told him softly. She stared into his eyes as she repeated, “I deserve better.”

He couldn’t control anything. It was as if his whole world was spiraling out of control and instead of dealing with it, he reacted with anger and vitriol. “You knew from the beginning that this had no happy ending.”

“It was fun at first,” she admitted. “But then it became more. Not just for me, but for you too, although you’ll never admit it. But you’re right about one thing, there won’t be a happy ending, no matter how much I wanted one.”

“G-d damn it, Taylor! Just give me some fucking time!” Roman roared. 

She whispered, “You’re out of time. I’m done.” 

Taylor turned to leave his office, and just as she opened the door he reached for her, pulling her back roughly only to find several people standing outside of his office watching him intently. Shit. He’d been trying to keep his marital problems quiet at work because the place was a rumor mill, but it was too late now. Releasing her, he gave her a short nod and stepped back into his office, closing the door. Off to the side, Rebecca stood watching the whole scene.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Although he may not be the man some

Girls think of as handsome

To my heart, he carries the key

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena brushed the rain from her jacket as she entered the pub. She was a few minutes late picking up the twins, but the weather was atrocious. It had been raining for hours which wasn’t uncommon for the spring. 

Sami looked up from where she was coloring and dropped everything. Running towards her mother she said loudly, “Mom! I missed you!”

Marlena laughed, leaning down to kiss Sami’s head, “You just saw me this morning.”

“I know, but I just love you so much!” Her small arms wrapped around Marlena’s hips in complete disregard for her wet coat. She wanted to cry, but she made herself smile as relief washed over her. Her Dad had been there earlier and he’d gotten angry at her again which made her sad.

Marlena looked down at Sami curiously, and then knelt down to get on her level. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Sami whispered.

“You’re upset,” Marlena said softly. “I’d like you to talk to me about it if you can.”

“I accidentally talked about Papa coaching my soccer team, and Daddy got mad.” Sami took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of rain and her mother’s perfume. 

“It’s okay, darling.” She smoothed her hand over Sami’s round face gently. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

But she felt like she had, and nothing her mom said would take that away. Softly, Sami replied, “Okay.”

Seeing the unsureness in Sami’s eyes, Marlena told her, “We’re going to talk about this some more when we get you home okay?”

“Marlena!” Caroline said as she stepped out from the kitchen. She glanced towards the door, “This weather is absolutely horrible today.”

“It is. It is,” Marlena said a little breathlessly as she stood up. The room seemed to spin for a moment, and she closed her eyes to get her bearings. She hadn’t bounced back from her illness as quickly as she usually did. She was still struggling with lingering congestion, and fatigue that seemed to be never ending. 

Caroline stared at her with concern in her eyes, reaching out to place a hand on Marlena’s arm as her body swayed, “Are you okay? Why don’t you have a seat?”

She sat down heavily, “I’m fine. I just got a little dizzy. It’s nothing.” Turning to Sami, she said, “Sami, honey, can you go round up your brother and get your things together?”

“Are you picking up Brady too?” Caroline asked her. “I wasn’t sure.”

A wide smile came over Marlena’s face, “Brady’s here?”

“He is. John had an unexpected emergency at work, and knew that you had appointments all day, so he asked if I could watch Brady for a few hours.” Caroline felt like Marlena and John’s relationship was looking more and more domestic, but she also knew it wasn’t her place to ask. Roman’s earlier visit had put some of the pieces into place, but even Bo was mostly keeping silent about what had happened to cause Marlena to leave Roman. “You know… Roman came by earlier. He said you sent him divorce papers.”

“I’d rather not discuss that, if you don’t mind.”

“He’s so upset Marlena. He knows he’s made mistakes, and he–”

“ –did he happen to tell you what those mistakes were, or did he blame me?” she asked.

Caroline stubbled over her words, as she realized that Roman had blamed Marlena for everything, although nothing specifically. “Well, he, um… he was very upset. He’d like to find a way to work on your marriage. He’s consumed with grief, and his transition back into his life has been more difficult than any of us anticipated.”

Marlena gave Caroline a hard stare just as Sami and Eric came rushing out with their backpacks. “We’re ready!” Eric said loudly.

Standing up, Marlena was quiet for a moment watching Caroline follow her. She took a deep breath, “I think, Caroline, that it is time for me to get the twins home, and I can take Brady as well. Is he sleeping in Kayla’s old room?”

“Shawn has him watching Bob Ross in the family room.” Caroline knew the conversation was over, and she would be getting no more information from Marlena. She would have to speak with Kim or Bo.

The door to the pub opened, and a burst of cool air came in along with the sound of driving rain. The bell jangled as John pushed the door closed. His eyes scanned the room, finally landing on Marlena with a wide smile. Caroline watched them, and she knew that whatever had happened with Roman’s marriage to Marlena, John was somehow involved. They were shooting sparks across the room. Marlena almost blushed, when John grinned at her, “Hey, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Won’t you tell him please put on some speed

Follow my lead, oh, how I need

Someone to watch over me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Someone To Watch Over Me – Ella Fitzgerald

Chapter 35 – Thunder Road

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The screen door slams, Mary’s dress sways

Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays

Roy Orbison’s singing for the lonely

Hey, that’s me and I want you only

Don’t turn me home again, I just can’t face myself alone again

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The soft sound of singing met John’s ears when he stepped into the hallway. He’d woken to hear Brady fussing on the baby monitor, and after a quick run to the bathroom, he was going to check on him. The soft sound of Marlena’s voice drifted from Brady’s room, and John stopped for a moment to listen. In all the time he’d spent with her he’d never heard her sing. Peeking into the room, he watched her in profile as she rocked his son back and forth singing a song he’d heard a hundred times, but never imagined as a lullaby. It didn’t matter, not to Brady. He stared up at Marlena with adoring, drowsy brown eyes as she sang, “Well don’t you run back inside, darlin’ you know just what I’m here for. So, you’re scared, and you’re thinking that maybe we ain’t that young anymore…”

Stepping into the room, he’d never seen her more beautiful. As he fell deeper in love with her, she glowed with the beauty he saw in her. He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering their honeymoon. The road trip to West Virginia when her hair had been pinned down with a white bandana, and the top to the convertible was down. Thunder Road had been playing that night as he’d reached over and laced their fingers together thinking that they had the rest of their lives together. He couldn’t hear that song without thinking of Marlena, and now she was singing it to Brady.

“You can hide ‘neath your covers and study your pain. Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain–” Marlena stopped singing when John stepped into her line of vision. Heat rose up the column of her neck, as she whispered, “Oh, I didn’t realize you were awake.”

“Don’t stop on my account,” he said softly, kneeling down beside the rocking chair. He stroked his finger gently across Brady’s cheek, watching his son as he yawned and rubbed his cheek across Marlena’s soft cotton covered breasts. John wanted to be the one finding comfort in her body for completely different reasons. “I recognize the song.”

“It’s not much of a lullaby is it?” she asked him with a shy smile.

“It makes me remember–”

“ –our honeymoon,” Marlena said softly. “We listened to the radio for the whole drive. Do you remember when you teased me about some women named Jackie Lou?”

“Did I?” he asked, grinning at her widely.

Brady sighed deeply. His eyes were closed and Marlena knew he’d fallen back asleep. She brushed her hand gently over his head as John reached for him. To John she said, “You know you did! That song by Ella Fitzgerald was playing on the radio…”

“Remember that song, Doc? We used to dance to it,” he said, trying to keep his eyes on the dark road ahead of them.

“We never danced to that,” she said.

“Sure we did. C’mon.” He glanced over at her.

“No, we didn’t,” Marlena insisted. “It must have been somebody else before you met me–”

“ –nah, nah. It–” He paused for a moment, and then he said with a teasing grin, “You’re right it was… Jackie Lou! Jackie Lou! Whoo! What a dish she was! Wow, how could I forget that?” He cocked his eyebrow and gave her side eye, only to see her watching him with a smirk. “You see that, Doc? I’m starting to remember more and more all the time–”

“ –you don’t have to remember every single detail!”

“Oh, Jackie Lou did have some details–”

“ –just drive will you?” Marlena faced forward attempting to ignore his teasing, but it was hard to do with his free hand sliding up her thigh. 

He glanced up at the night sky, whispering, “Take a look at those stars. You don’t get that kind of view in the city.”

Marlena shivered, feeling the warmth of his hand push between her blue jean covered thighs, as she said softly, “No, you don’t…”

John’s hands brushed against Marlena’s warm skin as he scooped his sleeping son into his arms. Staring down at her, he whispered, “I thought we were forever back then… I want us to be forever now.”

“Forever is a long time,” she replied quietly.

John leaned close to her ear, allowing his warm breath to brush across her skin. “Forever isn’t long enough with you, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Don’t you run back inside, darling, you know just what I’m here for

So you’re scared and your thinking that maybe we ain’t that young anymore

Show a little faith, there’s magic in the night

You ain’t a beauty, but hey, you’re alright

Oh, and that’s alright with me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Her breath caught in her chest, and she was pulled into his intense stare. John leaned towards her, brushing his lips lightly across her as he whispered, “Forever will never be long enough with you.”

The heat of her hand settled on John’s warm chest, and she could feel the rasp of his chest hair under her palm. A tremor ran through her muscles, and she couldn’t help it when her hand clenched and her fingernails scratched his skin lightly. “John…”

His reaction was visceral. A low growl sounded in the back of his throat, and Marlena watched as his pupils dilated. Feeling his cock twitch in his sweatpants, he told her, “Don’t move.” He turned, walking Brady across the room and laid him gently inside his crib, before turning back towards Marlena. He was back in front of her in two steps, lacing his fingers in her hair, his lips took hers as he walked her backwards towards the hallway. Her soft moan into the recesses of his mouth had him pushing her against the wall outside the room. 

In the back of her mind, Marlena worried that one day one of the twins would catch her and John kissing in the hallway in the middle of the night, but it didn’t stop her. She couldn’t take him into her room, and she couldn’t follow him into his, because she had no doubt what would follow if they were heated and aroused. Allowing herself to sink into the moment, she waited for his scent to envelope her. The same soap he’d used for years wrapped around her like a blanket, and only added to her desire. Marlena tipped her head back when he started sucking softly at her collarbone, and a soft gasp of, “Oh, G-d! John!” slipped from her lips.

“Tell me to stop,” he gasped, pulling away and resting his forehead against hers.

“We should stop,” she whispered breathlessly. “We should, but I can’t think clearly. I can’t even remember why…”

His body was tight, and his cock was engorged. John pushed his length against her hip roughly. “I want you so bad, Doc. So fucking bad.” Marlena’s fingers threaded through his dark hair, pulling his mouth back to hers with a frustrated whine, and he didn’t refuse her. His lips burned for her, biting tenderly at the soft flesh and licking over it to lessen the sting. 

She could hear her own harsh breathing, and when John whispered, “Oh, fuck, Doc,” she almost died in his arms.

He boxed her in against the wall and rolled his hips against her hoping for some type of relief to the growing pressure in his cock. Marlena’s soft, high pitched gasps drove him on. “I don’t think I can wait much longer.”

Her eyes filled with tears when she stared up at him. She was so happy, and everything in her life had shown her that happiness didn’t last. What she’d felt with John and the children over the last two months made her think she was in a dream, and she was afraid that she might wake up in the darkness next to Roman only to find that it had all been a cruel manifestation of her mind. 

John saw the doubt and the fear in her eyes as they slowly filled with tears. She was afraid and while he’d suspected it for weeks, he still felt that it was up to her to finally acknowledge it and bring it out into the open. Reaching for her soft cheek, he wiped a single tear from her face and brought it to his lips. Marlena watched him silently as he licked the salty liquid from his finger.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You can hide ‘neath your covers and study your pain

Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain

Waste your summer praying in vail

For a savior to rise from these streets

Wellnow, I’m no hero, that’s understood

All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood

With a chance to make it good somehow

Hey, what else can we do now?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Waking up with you in my arms the other day was a dream,” he said softly. “It was the culmination of dreams I’ve been having for months… truthfully, it was the culmination of dreams I’ve been having since you returned to me that night on the pier.”

Marlena glanced away, not truly believing what he was saying. If that had been true, why did he push her away? She knew what he’d told her. His fear of losing her overrode everything else, but that didn’t take away her self doubt, and it certainly didn’t take away the pain of rejection. Closing her eyes briefly, she took a deep breath, breathing in the very essence of him. “I should go to bed,” she whispered.

“We’re going to have to talk about it eventually,” he told her softly as he tipped his face down towards hers. His thumb wiped another tear from her cheek. “We’re going to have to discuss whatever is going on with you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You do, but I’m not going to push you,” he said. “The last year and a half has been more than any person should be expected to cope with… but, Marlena, your life has been one trauma after another. I understand that… and I understand why you might be a little gun shy to jump into this with me, but I want you to know, I’m all in. Feet first, baby.”

She gave him a watery smile, “Feet first, huh? Dive right in? I think I remember you telling me that once before.”

“That was the last advice I wanted to be giving you that night,” he whispered. “I wanted to tell you to leave Roman… I wanted to take you for myself.”

Had she known that? Had she felt that or heard it in his voice? She remembered being in her closet, sequestered in the darkness with John’s soft voice coming at her through the telephone receiver. She’d taken what he was telling her at face value, but now he was telling her that he’d wanted something else entirely. She stared up at him with wide hazel eyes trying to read every line of his face.

“And it’s always been so easy with you.” John rubbed the tip of his nose along the side of her neck, nuzzling her under the fall of her hair. “Even when I was seeing you for therapy after Mexico, or we would meet for lunch…” He brushed his fingers over her soft cheek, “… when I would run into you at the pub… it was so fucking hard to tamp down those natural impulses. A soft touch to your cheek, holding your hand… comforting you when you were upset. All of it was so natural, and yet… impossible. I watched Roman hurt you over and over again, and I forced myself to stay out of it, because you asked me to, and the whole time I was fighting every instinct with you… even when I was with Isabella.”

“No. That’s not true. You–you loved Isabella,” she whispered.

“I did, but Doc, I never stopped loving you,” he said softly. “I never understood how I could love two women at the same time, but I can admit that my love for you might have… it might have won over in the end… if Isabella had survived, and I would never… never admit that to anyone other than you, because I know you’ll understand what I mean. With you, it’s so fucking, G-d damned easy, baby.”

“I sometimes wonder if I’m enough,” she told him. She tried to step out of the shelter of his arms where he had her pinned against the wall. His hands slid down, and he laced his fingers through hers, but he didn’t allow her to leave. She quietly continued, “I wasn’t enough for Don. I–I wasn’t enough for Roman the first time… or the second time.” Marlena paused, feeling pressure and choking in her chest as a small sob escaped her. Mexico and what happened there should be behind them, but still she felt the ache of remembering John’s hand holding onto Isabella that last morning they were there. “I wasn’t enough for you.”

There it was. Everything that had Marlena questioning whether or not they would make it in three simple sentences. “You were always enough for me. You were always enough for Roman and Don. I think… we weren’t enough for you, and that’s not your failure. It’s ours.” John sighed, allowing his forehead to rest against hers as he said, “I wasn’t enough… I didn’t think I was enough. Don’t you see? Everyone is responsible for their own actions and their own behavior… their own reactions. When DJ died, Don spiraled. That wasn’t you. It was his own inability to open up and be vulnerable with you. When he should have been sharing in your grief, he abandoned you. You didn’t do that.”

“Roman said I was cold, and maybe I was. I know I was never what he needed me to be,” she told him.

“Doc! You could never be what Roman wanted. How could you be?” He stared at her for a moment, before he said, “Roman wanted the woman he left back in 1984, and you will never… you could never be that woman. He refused to go to therapy with you, he worked incessantly, and he blamed you. He placed every negative event in his life since Stefano took him at your feet, and that’s unfair!” John stepped back, rubbing his hands over his face. Marlena looked up at him with tears in her eyes, as if she wasn’t believing what he said. “It’s not you.” He scoffed at himself as he fell back against the wall beside her and stared at the ceiling of the hallway. “It sounds like such bullshit, Doc. I know it does, but if you could… if you could only know what I was feeling when you came back. I had nightmares for years after we thought you’d died. Dreams where I found you, only to have you ripped away from me again. Dreams where I watched your plane crash over and over again… and you were all I knew. Everything with you was the first time because I had nothing to compare it to. Losing you… baby, you were my stability in a world I didn’t understand, and suddenly you were gone. Finding my way forward without your guidance made me bitter, resentful… jaded I guess. As overjoyed as I was to have you back… I didn’t trust it. I didn’t trust the feeling of you in my arms, or the scent of your skin in my nostrils… so I kissed you, and the taste of you, a taste so fucking familiar my knees almost collapsed – the taste of you on my lips let me know you were real, and yet it compounded all of my fears. I found myself thinking, what if I lose her again? How can I possibly allow myself to love her again?”

“So you held yourself back?” she asked him. She understood it on a base, academic level, but her heart was what he’d broken, and the heart worked only with emotion. 

“I became obsessed with finding out where you’d been and who you’d been with. Anything I could do to keep myself from thinking too much about you, and Doc… baby, that’s got nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me!” He reached for her, pulling her so that her soft body leaned against his. Cupping her face, he whispered, “Even now the thought of losing you makes me feel desperate. And when we found out that I wasn’t Roman… my whole world, the world I’d created without you – every family member, every friendship came into question, including the love you had for me. I found myself wondering, how could you love me… did you ever love me? I was–”

“ –I always loved you!” Marlena reached up, forcing him to look at her. “I always loved you!”

“But, I doubted everything! I doubted what was real and what was fabricated…” John slid his palm over her hip, trailing his fingers underneath the hem of her pajama top. “I doubted you, and I swear, Doc, that was never your fault. I was a fool. I was a fucking fool, and I let my own insecurity and fear dictate my path. I loved Isabella. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I didn’t, but I loved you too. That never went away. The only thing I lost… was myself.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair

Well, the night’s busing open, these two lanes will take us anywhere

We got one last chance to make it real, to trade in these wings on some wheels

Climb in back, heaven’s waiting down on the tracks

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. Her chest felt tight, and breathing felt as if the weight of the world sat on her sternum. What he’d told her made sense, and it wasn’t as if she thought he was lying to her, and yet she couldn’t get the image of him holding Isabella’s hand out of her mind. What had he been thinking at that moment? The moment his eyes connected with hers and she knew what he’d done?

“I broke down in Mexico,” Marlena whispered. “Roman had gone to find Bo, and almost as soon as you left the room with Isabella that morning…” She didn’t even have to fully explain what she was speaking of, John already knew. Marlena sighed, “Abe was there. He understood. He held me as I sobbed in his arms. John, you broke my heart that day. You broke my heart and you took away my autonomy. I think that’s what I’m really struggling with. Don, Roman… you… you all left me feeling as if I was the broken one.”

“I saw it the moment it happened,” he said roughly. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes. He’d known what he’d done as soon as Marlena’s eyes drifted down to where his hand was clasping Isabella’s. When her eyes had lifted to back up to him, he’d seen it. A split second of heart wrenching pain, and then it was gone. So fleeting he’d wondered for a moment if he’d seen it at all. 

Slipping both hands underneath her top, he closed his eyes and focused on her warmth for a moment. Opening his eyes, he stared down at her. In a rough, emotion filled voice, he said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you… and I’m sorry that I allowed my own insecurities to override everything I knew. I’m sorry that I did anything to make you doubt that you are worthy of love… that you are worthy of my love, because I love you, Doc. I have never stopped loving you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, come take my hand

We’re riding out tonight to case the promised land

Oh, Thunder Road, oh, Thunder Road

Oh, Thunder Road

Lying out there like a killer in the sun

Hey, I know it’s late, we can make it if we run

Oh, Thunder Road, sit tight

Take hold, Thunder Road

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Could she accept John’s apology and move forward with him? Did she trust him enough after having been let down so many times? The last couple of months had given her a taste of what their life could be like, and she wanted it. She wanted family dinners full of laughter, and weekend sports. Marlena thought about Brady asleep in his crib. She wanted Brady. Being his mother was something she wanted so much it hurt. 

Placing her palms against the warm flesh of his chest, Marlena asked him, “You want to try to make a life with me… with us?” Wanting to feel his mouth on her, she lifted herself up onto her tiptoes, leaned into him, and brushed her lips across his softly. She sighed, feeling his breath waft across her sensitive skin. The soft sounds of her own moan met her ears as she pressed against him. The heat of him permeated the cotton of her shirt and she felt her nipples pebble. 

He couldn’t stop his fists from clenching in the fabric of her pajama top, pulling her closer. He had to have some self control. He rumbled, low in his throat, “We’ll go slow.” He kissed her again gently and his hands shook. “There’s no need to rush this, Doc.”

“Kiss me,” she whispered. “Just kiss me.”

“Whenever you want,” he replied. He bit at her bottom lip gently, and then slid his lips over her jaw. “I will kiss you until I run out of breath.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Well, I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk

And my car’s out back if you’re ready to take that long walk

From your front porch to my front seat

The door is open but the ride ain’t free

And I know you’re lonely for words that I ain’t spoken

Tonight we’ll be free, all the promises will be broken…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Thunder Road – Bruce Springsteen

Chapter 36 – Dream Lover

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Every night, I hope and pray

A dream lover will come my way

A girl to hold in my arms

And know the magic of her charms

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A wide smile came over Marlena’s face as Eric ran into the main living area yelling, “Pancakes!” at the top of his lungs. Brady’s eyes went wide in surprise and part of the peaches Marlena had just spooned into his mouth dribbled out. Sami was standing on a stool next to the stove with John as he carefully instructed her in the art of pancake flipping. Her life felt perfect, and as much as she hoped and prayed it would stay perfect, she couldn’t push down the lingering fear that something would go wrong.

John glanced over and saw the emotions in her eyes just as the song on the radio changed. Smooth and clear, Bobby Darin’s voice drifted across the room, Every night I hope and pray… Glancing at Sami, John leaned forward and said, “You think you can flip these for me?”

“Yes!” she exclaimed excitedly as he handed her the spatula. “I watch for the bubbles. I can do it.”

“I’m going to dance with your mother,” he said. To Eric he said, “Hey, slugger, do me a favor and feed Brady so I can dance with your mom.”

Eric got a warm feeling as he took the spoon from his mother and watched a smile play over her lips. She wanted to dance. He couldn’t fully explain how he was feeling, but he knew that his new life made him feel happy too.

Marlena allowed John to lace his fingers through hers, and pull her into his arms. Cause I want…yeah, yeah, yeah… a girl… yeah, yeah, yeah… to call… yeah, yeah, yeah… my own…

Her warm body against his was exactly what he wanted. Instinctively his hand slowly trailed down her back, stopping low, and his other hand brought her arm up to his chest. Whispering in her ear, John said softly, “Holding you in my arms is my favorite thing.”

“Your favorite thing, huh? What about baseball?” she asked him, staring up with laughing eyes. The heat of his hand on her lower back had her wishing he would touch her skin. Just another inch and he could lift her hem and lay his palm flat against her. 

“Oh, I love baseball, don’t get me wrong… but you? For you, I would give up baseball in a heartbeat.” John’s index finger traced along the hem of her shirt, lifting it slightly so he could trail the pad along her soft skin. A gentle tease that had her staring up at him with cautioning eyes. He couldn’t be too obvious in front of the twins.

Marlena teased, “So no more games on Sundays? No more–”

John pulled back lightly, looking at her with mock concern as he spun her around quickly. He could hear Brady’s laughter, and Eric’s excited voice in the background crying, “Spin her again, Papa!”

“Well since this is a hypothetical the answer is yes… because you would never ask me to give up baseball,” he told her. Someday, I don’t know how… I hope she’ll hear my plea… Some way, I don’t know how… She’ll bring her love to me…

“That’s true,” she said softly, leaning closer. “I wouldn’t want to upset Eric.”

“Eric!” John’s eyes went wide as he laughed. His fingers traced along her jaw, bruising a tendril of hair behind her shoulder. His breath wafted over the edge of her ear, and he whispered, “I want to kiss you so much.”

Marlena looked over to see that the twins weren’t paying attention as the last notes of the song drifted to an end. Sami’s excited voice yelled out, “I did it! Papa, I did it! I flipped the pancakes!”

John glanced over to see pancake batter all over the edges of the pan and two very sloppily flipped pancakes settled inside. They weren’t on the floor or the stovetop, so it was a win. “You sure did, Peanut! I’m impressed.” 

Sami’s smile lit up his whole world. Her round face and her bright blue eyes. The year they’d lived with Roman and Marlena had been hard on him. Marrying and losing Isabella within a few months had compounded his sense of devastation. He glanced over to where Marlena was cleaning up Brady, and saw Eric taking the spoon to the sink, and tossing the baby food jar in the trash. It was his family. His, and he wasn’t giving them up without a fight. Marlena’s trepidation was understandable, but she’d agreed to try and see where they could go with their love. For the moment, it was enough for him.

Marlena slid her palm slowly up John’s back, stopping to cup his shoulder as she whispered, “You are deep in thought.”

He glanced down at her. So the twins wouldn’t hear, he said quietly, “I’m so fucking happy, Doc, and at one point I wasn’t sure I ever would be.”

Eric watched the two people he loved most in the world as they whispered to each other. Warmth filled him when he saw his mother kiss his Papa’s shoulder, and he smiled when he saw his Papa take her hand. Glancing over at Sami, she smiled back, and Eric was happy again, because she saw it too.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

‘Cause I want

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

A girl

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

To call

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

My own

(Yeah-yeah)

I want a dream lover

So I don’t have to dream alone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John found Marlena standing in the kitchen with a glass of milk and a piece of toast. “You still not feeling great?”

“I’m fine. It’s just all of the stress with Roman and his refusal to sign the divorce papers, that’s all.” She slid the last bit of toast into her mouth and drank down her milk as he watched her with concern.

“The twins are both packed,” he said. “I’ve just put Brady down for his afternoon nap. Why don’t you go lay down. I can wait for Bo to arrive to pick up Sami and Eric, and then you can get some rest.”

“Do you know how much I appreciate having you in my life?” she asked him. The thought of laying down for a couple hours sounded amazing. “I just can’t seem to shake off this fatigue.”

“Go lay down, baby. I’ve got everything handled. Brady will sleep for a while, Bo’s on the way, and if you wake up, I’ll be in the garage. I wanted to get started on the radiator covers for the upstairs.”

“Okay,” she said softly.

John glanced behind him, to make sure the twins weren’t around, and he leaned forward, kissing her softly. His lips sucked at her gently, and then he pulled away. “I won’t let you sleep too long. I know you have that appointment with Kim this afternoon.”

He watched Marlena’s hand trail gently down his chest as she walked away from him and he held back the grunt of want that sat in his lungs. The twin’s were going to be gone all night, and he was going to have to keep himself from making love to Marlena. 

Rubbing his hands over his face, he muttered, “Think about something else, John.”

The doorbell rang, and after a quick glance outside, he saw Bo’s truck. He was grateful that Bo was there. What he needed was an intense workout and making radiator covers followed by a few rounds with his punching bag sounded perfect. Sami and Eric came running down the hallway, pulling their bags behind them as John walked towards the front door, opening it. “Hey, Bo. It’s good to see you.”

Bo couldn’t help laughing as an eager Eric and Sami dragged their bags towards him. “So you guys are excited.”

“Oh, yes!” Sami said. “We love adventures. Don’t we Eric? And we’re going out to sleep on a boat and go fishing, and eat boat food!”

“Boat food?” Bo asked curiously. He glanced at John, “What exactly is boat food?”

“You know!” Eric said. “Food ya eat when you’re out on a boat.”

Bo arched an eyebrow, “So, spaghettios and bologna sandwiches?”

Without missing a beat the twins said in unison, “Yes!”

“Hey you two, run back to your moms room and say goodbye before she falls asleep,” John told them. “She’s going to lay down for a while but she’d want you to say goodbye.”

“We’re gonna be back tomorrow,” Sami said.

“Do it,” John told them. He watched them scurry off and then glanced over to find Bo watching him curiously.

Bo was quiet for a moment, and then he said, “They’ve settled in nicely. You know, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen them so happy. For a while there I thought… well I wasn’t sure how it was going to go for them growing up in that house. There was so much sadness… and tension.”

“Eric had a lot of nightmares at first,” John told him softly. He glanced back to make sure the twins weren’t returning. “Sami had some behavior issues at school. They were already problems that Marlena had been dealing with for awhile, but Sami has rarely gotten in trouble at school over the last few weeks, and Eric’s nightmares have ceased almost completely. What they needed was stability.” John sighed, “I wanted to thank you for taking them out with you and Shawn D. Roman hasn’t spent any time with them since February, and it’s good to have family.”

“Roman is an arrogant ass who’s wallowing in his feelings right now,” Bo replied.

“He’s taking that out on the Twinners,” John told him.

Bo was about to agree with John when they heard Marlena’s bedroom door slam loudly, and Sami screamed, “We said bye!”

“Mom said hi!” Eric said to Bo.

“Well I guess it’s time to go then,” Bo told them. “Let’s go pick up Shawn D.”

John heard Eric ask his uncle excitedly as the door closed behind them, “Can we pretend to be pirates?”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dream lover, where are you?

With a love, oh, so true

And, the hands that I can hold

To feel you near, as I grow old

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kim followed Marlena into her office. She’d just seen a former patient in the hallway. A little girl who’s been abused, but with a new family she was thriving. Marlena had been quiet during the whole interaction, and even as they walked through the door to her office she seemed hesitant. Kim turned to her and asked quietly, “Marlena? Are you worried about how this is going to look at the trial? You know, you being my sister-in-law?”

“No. That’s not it at all,” Marlena told her, walking across the room to lean on her desk. “I’m still fighting with this illness I had, and I’m not bouncing back as quickly as I used to.”

Concern washed over Kim, “Marlena, I’m sorry. I should have thought about that. This might be too much for you. I–I–”

“ –no! No!” Marlena said quickly. She was afraid of letting Kim down. “I just want–I want to make sure that I can do my very best for you. I want to be there for you.”

“I believe that you are the one that can help me.” She was quiet and then she said, “It’s like with that little girl, Katie. I was able to help her through what happened to her because we were sharing similar experiences. Do you know what I mean?”

Marlena understood what Kim was saying. It was why she’d bonded so deeply with John in Gauley Valley, or why they’d grown so much closer when she’d returned from San Cristobal and fought to find out where she’d been. It was why she’d struggled to find any connection with Roman. Softly she said, “I think I do.”

Kim watched Marlena stand up, and round her desk. “It was something about being closer to her. There was a bond between us and I’ll tell you, that’s something I won’t have with anyone else.”

“Yes,” Marlena replied. “I understand bonding with someone when you’re in crisis.”

“I know you do.” Kim saw the look of introspection on Marlena’s face, and she told her, “Marlena, I want you to know that you have been the one person, the only person… that I have been able to open up to… about everything. You understood what was going on with me when no one else understood it. And I know that you are the person that can help me now. I have to believe that. I have to go through with it.”

So far, they had been unable to get either Claire or Lacey to emerge and be recorded. In order to prove Kim’s illness in court, they absolutely had to have it recorded. Marlena smiled softly. Kim was determined. “All right. Shall we begin?”

Kim felt renewed hope as they both sat down. Marlena gave her one last look of reassurance, and then she hit record on the tape recorder. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

‘Cause I want

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

A girl

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

To call

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

My own

(Yeah-yeah)

I want a dream lover

So I don’t have to dream alone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The scent of Morning Glory Calgon bath salts permeated the air, as Marlena sank into the heated water allowing it to rise up to the nape of her neck. After her session with Kim, which had yielded no results, Roman has abruptly shown up at her office. Marlena knew why. At her office he was less likely to run into John or be stopped by John. He could say, and very nearly do, whatever he wanted. She glanced down at the bruise that ringed her upper arm with a frustrated sigh. Another argument, and again he’d manhandled her as if she were property. Her eyes closed with fatigue as she contemplated John’s reaction. He would find out, whether from Abe or Bo, or from seeing the bruising on her body himself. He would find out.

Marlena glanced up in surprise when her office door was flung open. Roman stood in her doorway with her secretary behind him. “I’m sorry, Dr. Evan’s I told him to wait, but he–”

“ –I understand. Thank you.” Marlena placed her purse back down on top of her desk and she stared at Roman with level eyes. “Close the door, Roman. What can I help you with?”

“You sent me divorce papers,” he said as if that served to answer everything.

“I did. I told you the marriage was over,” she said quietly. “If you would sign them, that would make this much easier on both of us… and the children.”

“I think we can still work on this. I think I just need you to give me another chance–”

“ –no,” she said softly. “No, there will be no more chances, Roman. I can’t. I can’t even pretend to try and give you another chance. Maybe that’s where my first mistake was.”

“Your first mistake?” Roman stared at her for a moment, “What the hell do you mean, your first mistake?”

“I should have come home from Mexico alone,” she told him. “I should have been honest about my feelings then. You’re right. I didn’t fully invest myself in the success of our marriage. I couldn’t, and you felt that. I won’t take full responsibility, but I will agree that on some level you working all of the time had to have been partly because you felt my distance.”

Roman stepped closer to her desk, “So you’re admitting it? You’re admitting that you were looking for a reason to go to John and leave me?”

“That’s not what I’m admitting,” she replied carefully. “I’m admitting that I made mistakes and I should have been more honest with you. I’m telling you what you already knew, because I told you in Mexico, and that was that I still loved John.”

“But you came home with me!” Roman roared, leaning forward to pound his fist on her desk.

Marlena startled, stepping back slightly and bumping into her chair, “You knew I still had feelings for John. Let’s not pretend now that you didn’t.”

Roman stared at her for a moment. He had known, but he’d assumed that she would get over them. He’d thought that her choice to come home with him had been her choosing him. It was only at that moment that he started to put the pieces together. “If Isabella hadn’t been pregnant–”

“ –I think I would have fought for John,” Marlena told him softly. “But as it stood Isabella was pregnant, and you had lost seven years of your life with your family. You deserved that chance–”

“ –so you felt sorry for me?” His eyes flashed with anger, and he stepped around her desk. His strong hand gripped her upper arm, his fingers digging into her soft flesh through the plaid tweed of her jacket. His breath wafted over her face as he growled, “You fucking felt sorry for me?”

“Roman, you’re hurting me,” she whispered firmly. “I need you to let go of me.” He continued to stare at her, and she repeated, “Let go of me now. I’m sure my secretary has already called security as a result of your barging in here and your shouting. So, let me go.”

But he didn’t. He gripped her more forcefully as images of hitting her and shoving her to the ground assaulted his mind. With one last clench, he dug his nails into her, and then shook her free of him. He felt little satisfaction when she tumbled back, missing her chair and hitting the edge of the desk with her hip as she fell to the floor. 

The door burst open, and Roman glanced over to find Abe standing there with a security guard. Disappointment was all over his face, and there was nothing Roman could say or do to defend his actions.

Marlena’s eyes fluttered open tiredly. She was exhausted all of the time, and while she had been saying that she was still struggling with the cold she’d had, she was starting to worry that it was something else. It might be time to get a full physical and some blood work done. The words Calgon, take me away floated through her mind and she laughed softly to herself as she sank a little deeper into the fragrant water.

John finished putting Brady to sleep and glanced at the clock as he exited his son’s bedroom. Marlena had been in the bath for a long time. He crossed the hall and entered his bedroom, knocking on the bathroom door softly. “Hey, Doc? You’ve been in there awhile. I’m just checking on you.” When she didn’t answer, he cracked the door, saying, “Doc?” Still no answer. He pushed the door wide just in time to see Marlena slipping beneath the water. Her eyes were closed and it was obvious that she’d fallen asleep. Rushing forward in a panic, he slipped his arms beneath her, pulling her back to the surface roughly. Marlena barely reacted, and he knew something was wrong. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Someday, I don’t know how

I hope she’ll hear my plea

Some way, I don’t know how

She’ll bring her love to me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena stared up at John with sleepy eyes trying to understand what he was asking her, but she was still trying to pull herself out of the deep sleep she found herself in. He didn’t wait. Instead he lifted her from the tub, holding her body close to his as he carried her out of the bathroom. 

Warm water saturated his clothing and dripped from her skin. John reached for a towel on his way out, and he laid her gently on his bed. Marlena looked up at him and mumbled, “I’m sorry, John. I must have fallen asleep.”

“You almost drowned,” he said roughly, rubbing the thick cotton over her nude body. “I knocked on the door and you didn’t answer. When I went in there you were going under. You scared the shit out of me, Doc.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She tried to lift her head and reach for the towel, but the fatigue was too much. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so tired.”

John stared into her eyes, “I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You’re overdoing it. Less than six months ago you almost died in a car accident, then your spleen ruptured, Roman’s affair, the divorce, and the flu… plus you’re stressed about Kim’s upcoming trial. Baby, you need to rest. You need to take a week or two off and allow your body and your mind to reset.” He started drying her body again and rolled her to the side, stopping his motions abruptly. A large bruise marred the soft skin of her hip, and John gasped. “Doc, what happened?”

Marlena suddenly found the energy to sit up, and she tried to pull the towel over her. “I fell at work.”

“You fell?” he asked her suspiciously. Her answer was too simple. Too abrupt, and too rehearsed. “That’s it? You fell?”

“I fell,” she repeated.

“I don’t believe you.” The telephone rang and John told Marlena, “Don’t move. This conversation isn’t over.” Lifting the telephone receiver he said roughly, “Hello?”

“Hey, John, it’s Abe. I was calling because there was a situation in Marlena’s office today with Roman. I know she likely didn’t mention it, but I–”

“ –he put his hands on her?” John growled, glancing over at Marlena again. Of course he had. Fucking Roman needed to keep his G-d damned hands off of Marlena. She glanced away with guilty eyes, as Abe confirmed what John suspected.

Marlena closed her eyes and allowed herself to fall back against the bed. She didn’t care about her nudity anymore, and she was too tired to argue with John. He was right. The last six months had been too much, and it was catching up with her. Roman’s attack that afternoon was the nail in the coffin. Attack? She questioned whether that’s what it was. He had maliciously gripped her arm, intending to cause her pain, and when he’d shoved her, she’d seen the rage in his eyes. Yes, it had been an attack.

John hung up the telephone and turned to stare at Marlena for a moment. Frustration, and fear lingered together, and he knew those could easily turn into anger, but he didn’t want to be angry with her. She’d already been through so much. She moved to pull the towel over her, and he saw the bruise that ringed her upper arm. “Abe told me what happened.”

“It’s over,” she said quietly. “And–and it won’t happen again.”

“Won’t happen again? Doc, he’s done this before. I saw bruises on you in New York. Did you forget? I saw him grab you at the pub after he’d seen the video where Roger kissed you. Doc, he will do it again if you don’t do something about it.” The bed sank in and she rolled towards John, as he ran his finger gently over the bruise on her arm. “He’s not allowed to hurt you.”

“I’m so tired,” she whispered, lifting her head to rest it on John’s thigh. “Can we discuss it tomorrow?”

“I don’t want you alone with him,” he said, scooping her into his arms. 

“Okay,” Marlena mumbled.

He pulled back the blankets, and laid her back down, covering her with the comforter. “You’re sleeping with me tonight.”

She sighed softly, “I love sleeping with you.”

He watched her eyes drift closed with growing concern. They were going to have a serious conversation the following day, but right then, he had to figure out how to spend the night in the same bed with her, while she was gloriously naked. Marlena rolled over and the blanket slipped lower revealing one glorious breast and the curve of her ribs. He wanted so badly to slip his hand under her soft flesh and pull at her nipple. He wanted to taste her. Instead, he turned towards the bathroom and decided to take a cold shower. Later, he would slip a t-shirt over her, and hope she didn’t rub up against him during the night.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dream lover, until then

I’ll go to sleep, and dream again

That’s the only thing to do

‘Til all my lover’s dreams come true

‘Cause I want

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

A girl

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

To call

(Yeah-yeah-yeah)

My own

(Yeah-yeah)

I want a dream lover

So I don’t have to dream alone…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Dream Lover – Bobby Darin

Chapter 37 – Something ‘Bout a Woman

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Well, there’s something ‘bout a woman with my t-shirt on

Hair in her eyes and no makeup on

Standing there smiling with my coffee cup

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman that’s easy to love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The cool air of the refrigerator swirled around Marlena’s bare legs the following morning as she rummaged around for eggs. “I thought we had eggs,” she mumbled.

“We do,” John said in a husky voice behind her. “But I don’t mind watching you lean into the refrigerator like that. Even though you’re supposed to be resting, and I’m supposed to be taking care of you.”

“I am rested, and now I’m hungry.” She bent over again, and John couldn’t stop himself from running his palm over the curve of her hip where it met her thigh. He loved every part of her, and wanted to memorize every angle. Marlena stopped moving, shivering from more than the cool air on her legs.

“Brady’s asleep,” he said in a husky voice. “And I was forced to sleep next to you all night in nothing more than my t-shirt. I think I deserve a kiss for my effort. Maybe two kisses. It takes a lot to keep these hands off of you.”

Marlena turned in his arms, lifting herself up onto her toes, and she brushed her lips over his briefly. “Like that?”

“No, I need more than that,” he told her, pulling her body firmly against his.

Another soft brush of the lips, and Marlena teased, “Like that?”

She was teasing him, and while he absolutely loved it, and wanted to touch her everywhere, he was more concerned about the bruising he’d seen on her hip the night before. Flipping her around, John lifted her t-shirt. 

She gasped in surprise, “John!”

Her bare ass, rounded and smooth, begged for him to run his hands over her. He trailed his palm softly over the bruise which had become much more discolored overnight. Mottled hues of purple and red created a thick line where it was obvious she’d hit into something. Quietly he breathed out, “Fuck, Doc… how hard did he push you?”

She tried to lie, and she wasn’t sure exactly why. “He didn’t actually–”

“ –I want the truth,” he growled, laying his palm gently over her marred skin. It felt warm to touch, and he was furious. Softly caressing her skin, he told her. “You are enough, Doc. You will always be enough. You didn’t deserve this, and you certainly don’t deserve any of the blame for Roman’s affair. Stop lying for him.”

She gave up. Tension drained from her body, and she knew John could feel it. Leaning against the kitchen island, she whispered, “He was holding my arm. I asked him to let go, but he wanted to hurt me. He was digging his fingernails into me, and when I told him security was probably coming, he shook me roughly and then shoved me away. I lost my balance.”

“Because he shoved you.” Rage coursed through every cell in his body. “He won’t fucking touch you again.”

“John… I don’t think it will happen again.” She could barely hold herself up. “Abe… was there… and well…”

She attempted to turn around, but he told her roughly, “Don’t move. I’m still checking you.” 

Falling forward, she rested her elbows on the kitchen island, and then allowed her head to lay against them. She couldn’t fight him anymore. 

“I should fucking kill him,” John muttered. “This is domestic battery, Marlena. He was intentionally trying to physically intimidate you. It’s abuse.” He paused for a moment before he finally asked her, “Has he touched the Twinners?”

“What?” She lifted herself up, and turned towards him abruptly. “No! They–they would have said something. They would have told me!”

John wasn’t so sure they would have. All he could think about was the fear in Sami’s eyes when she ran to get him that day Roman was at the door. That wasn’t a fear that came from Roman yelling or being loud. 

Marlena saw the doubt in John’s eyes, and it had her second guessing herself. Was it possible that Roman had hurt the twins? If so, why hadn’t they said something? “Oh!” Marlena’s hand covered her mouth as she gasped softly. “You don’t think?”

“I’m not sure what I think, but I’m damned sure going to find out. He won’t ever touch you again.” John leaned forward, brushing his fingers lightly over her cheek. “He won’t ever touch you again, and I will find out if he’s ever hurt Sami or Eric.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman that’s a clear blue sky

Ain’t found nothing better that’ll get you high

You’re the colors of the sun at the end of the day

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman that makes you feel that way

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Four Days Later

John stood just inside the courtroom door and watched as Marlena walked towards Kim. It was hard to believe that Kim wasn’t his sister. He couldn’t fully separate himself from the idea after everything they’d been through together. That’s why Marlena’s breakthrough with Lacey and Claire a couple days earlier had finally given him a glimpse of hope. Kim was too fragile to survive in prison. Hopefully Marlena had enough evidence to keep Kim out of jail. 

Rebecca saw John standing alone, and she approached him quietly. She studied the way he watched Marlena. The way his eyes scanned over the other woman’s body as she moved away from him. Marlena’s breakup with Roman was old news after Roman’s blow up with Taylor McCall at the station. Taylor had silently slipped out of town, and Roman had been dealing with the stares and whispers, but it was no longer a secret. Whispers about trysts in his office, the evidence room, and shadowed corners of hallways made their way into the ears of anyone who would listen. 

Standing near his shoulder, she asked him softly, “You love her, don’t you?”

John turned to look at her, but he didn’t answer her question. It wasn’t her business how he felt about Marlena, although he was certain it was written all over his face.

“It’s obvious from the way you watch her,” Rebecca told him. “So, you don’t really need to answer me.”

“I wasn’t going to,” he replied. He gave her a long stare, “Do you often go around asking people personal questions?”

Rebecca laughed, “I’d hardly say you barely know me.” She was about to ask him something else when Roman walked in. John stiffened beside her, and then immediately walked towards Marlena leaving Rebecca standing alone where she was. She watched curiously as Roman approached them.

“Doc,” Roman said, trying to clear the thickness in his throat. “I was hoping that we could speak.” He glanced at John, before he added, “Privately.”

“I’m speaking with Kim,” Marlena said. She glanced at John. There is no way John would allow her to be alone with Roman. Not after what had happened the last time, or their conversation with Sami three days prior. “I can meet you at the pub later.”

John was relieved. A public meeting place was acceptable, and he could hover near the bar if anything escalated. He’d already spoken with Abe in detail about what had happened in Marlena’s office, and he was disappointed to learn that Marlena had refused to press charges. He understood why. She thought she was protecting the twins and Carrie, but while doing that she was neglecting herself. Their conversation in the darkened hallway came back to him, I’m not enough. He would spend the rest of his life proving to her that she was enough.

Roman glanced at John with hatred, and then back towards where Marlena stood with Kim, Mickey, and Phillip. There was nothing he could do. He saw the disappointment in his sister’s eyes, which meant she already knew what had taken place in Marlena’s office, whether by Marlena or Bo. Bo had walked into Abe’s office while Abe was in the middle of berating him and threatening to charge him with domestic battery. Knowing Marlena the way he did, she probably kept quiet, and what did that say for him? The fact that he knew she wouldn’t tell a soul. 

As Roman turned to walk away, John leaned towards him, “You won’t be alone with her again.” John felt Marlena’s hand come to rest gently on his arm. Deep blue eyes meet hazel eyes and he sighed. 

Marlena didn’t want a scene in the courthouse, but she couldn’t help the warmth she felt when her eyes met John’s. He would protect her, and yet it was more than that. He loved her. A genuine, all encompassing love that she’d never before felt in her life. As Marlena turned her gaze behind him, she saw Rebecca watching her with interest, but then Kim pulled her attention away. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She’s like a fire on the mountain

Like some kind of heaven that’s pouring down on me

She’s a child, she’s a lady

She’s got everything that I could ever need

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman and me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rebecca stared at Marlena with an intensity that some people might find uncomfortable. Marlena shifted and settled herself into the witness chair, staring out over the small crowd assembled for Kim’s trial. Taking a deep breath she caught John’s eyes where he sat two rows behind Roman. His small smile, and short nod gave her all of the reassurance she needed. Turning her attention to Mickey, she felt comforted. Mickey was a friend, someone she’d known for years.

“In your professional opinion,” Mickey asked her as he approached where she sat, “the recent appearance of these personalities was triggered by an automobile accident?”

Marlena hesitated briefly before she said, “That… and emotional pressures having to do with her children… and her upcoming marriage.” 

Mickey trailed his fingers across the table where Kim was seated as he asked, “But you’re certain that Kimberly herself had no knowledge of her condition? Nor any memory of her actions when she was under the control of the Lacey or Claire persona?”

“No,” she replied. “Kimberly felt some confusion. But she felt that was due to memory loss caused by stress.”

Mickey turned towards Kim and started walking, “In other words… the woman sitting in this chair is not accountable in any way for the death of Randy Houston?” 

He stepped behind Kim, gently placing his hands on her shoulders. Marlena saw the fear in Kim’s eyes, the uncertainty. Very clearly she replied, “She is incapable of that type of crime.”

Mickey, wanting to be sure the message was clear, asked her, “And therefore she presents no future problems as a member of society?”

Marlena gave Kim a small smile as she said quietly, “None at all.”

Rebecca forced herself to hold back her sneer. It wouldn’t help her case at all to appear impartial to a witness. She barely heard Mickey thank Marlena. She barely heard the judge speaking to her. All she could do was stare at the prim, proper, perfect Dr. Marlena Evans in her pristine gray suit as she sat on the witness stand and hoped that she might, in some way, shape, or form, break her, prove her wrong, or find a fault in her testimony. Anything to gain back her confidence which John Black had shattered. Rebecca stood up slowly, smoothing her palms over her pencil skirt as Marlena watched her. Rebecca saw their interaction for what it was – a standoff, a battle of wits, and she was determined to win. Marlena’s armor of soft, pleasant, femininity just made Rebecca hate her more.

Rebecca’s tone came out harsh, aggressive, and accusatory. “Dr. Evans, can you explain why, when you were first made aware of the strange behavior of the defendant, you didn’t diagnose the so-called MPD trauma?”

Marlena stared at the woman in front of her. Rebecca was not her normal unruffled self, and she could see it as clearly as if she’d announced it to the whole courtroom. Softly, as if nothing bothered her, Marlena replied, “Yes. Lacey was very clever.”

“Yes?” Rebecca repeated as if in disbelief. “And doesn’t that bear out Dr. Brigg’s opinion that if Lacey, as you call her, can assume Kimberly’s role, then Kimberly can assume Claire’s or Lacey’s at will?”

Marlena answered quickly, “No. Kim did not assume the role of Lacey, nor did she assume the role of Claire. Kimberly tried very hard to keep those personalities submerged. Not to let them take control.”

John watched Marlena’s intellectual sparring with Rebecca and he found himself even more enamored with her. Her intelligence had always been attractive to him. Her ability to match wits became a turn-on he couldn’t explain. As he stared at her, he could feel his body reacting. He would never be able to fully explain why, but she was the sexiest woman alive when she was demonstrating to a room full of people how absolutely undisturbed she was by Rebecca’s aggressive tone and condescending speech. Rebecca’s referring to Kim’s illness as so-called and then trying to lessen the impact of Lacey by saying as you call her was all intended to minimize the impact of Marlena’s testimony. John recognized that. It was intended to unsettle her, and Marlena wasn’t a woman easily unsettled. She became stronger, more stubborn, and John would have to leave the room soon if it continued the way it was. His cock twitched as Marlena stared at Rebecca with confident eyes.

Rebecca started to feel her control unraveling, “Is there a test? Like, an x-ray for a broken bone, that can prove that Kimberly has MPD–”

“ –no. No, there’s not.” Marlena stared up at Rebecca, and laced her fingers together in her lap, the picture of composure. “A doctor merely has to observe the patient.”

Rebecca smirked slightly, “You do believe her?”

“I can assure this court that Kimberly Brady is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder, and if she weren’t, I’d be the first to say so,” Marlena said fiercely, making sure that Rebecca had no doubts about what she was saying. “It’s a very tragic illness. It’s not a way to avoid prosecution. I can assure you also, that Lacey killed Randy… not Kimberly.”

That’s when Rebecca lost her cool. Smugly, she said, “Spoken like a true friend, and sister-in-law.” 

The courtroom exploded behind her into frustrated cries and outraged exclamations, as Marlena’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying that I would lie to protect Kimberly?” Marlena asked.

Feeling like she’d scored a direct hit, Rebecca replied casually, “Not at all. I’m merely pointing out that Dr. Brigg’s evaluation may have been carried out with a little more objectivity than yours.” Marlena refused to give Rebecca the reaction she was looking for. She stared at her in silence as Rebecca told the judge, “I have no more questions for this witness.”

The look of smugness Rebecca cast over her shoulder as she walked away from Marlena had Kimberly worried. She seemed so certain of a conviction, and yet when Kim glanced at Marlena she was unruffled. 

Mickey stood up, saying, “Redirect, your honor, please.” He approached Marlena, “Dr. Evans, did you consult with Dr. Allison or any of the court appointed psychiatrists before they made their evaluation of Kimberly’s condition?”

Marlena kept her eyes steadily on Mickey. “No, I didn’t.”

“So, their decisions, that she is suffering from a multiple personality disorder, were reached objectively? Independently?” he asked.

“Yes, they were.”

He felt like he could have hugged Marlena right then. She was perfect. She’d been the epitome of professional and composed. He couldn’t help smiling as he said, “Thank you,” and turned away.

Stepping down from the witness stand, Marlena walked by Rebecca Morrison with her head held high, her eyes riveted on the man sitting behind Roman. John watched her with an intensity she’d only seen in the bedroom. As she sat down next to him, he whispered, “You are the sexiest fucking woman I’ve ever know, Doc.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman when she gets fixed up

Slips a red dress on and her eyes light up

I love to watch her walking from across the room

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman and the way she moves me

She moves me

Oh, she moves me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John cornered Marlena as she was tossing wet clothes into the dryer in the laundry room. His palm slid over her hip, linking his finger in the belt loops of her jeans as he tugged her back until her ass was flush with him. Roughly, he whispered, “You don’t know how fucking sexy you were today.”

She chuckled, “I think I figured it out when I sat down next to you, Sailor. There was no hiding what you were thinking.”

“You saw that, did you?” Lifting her hair, he ran his nose up the warm column of her neck and growled softly. “I want you so much.”

Her body trembled, and her nipples tightened in response to him. “John, where are the children?”

“Brady is sleeping in his playpen, and the twins are watching The Princess Bride for the one millionth time.” He bit her ear lobe gently. 

Trying to keep the situation between them light, she whispered, “Inconceivable.”

“Did I ever tell you that I find intelligent women very attractive?” Licking over her pulse point he growled, “And today, you were very, very attractive.”

“During round one or round two?” She laughed as she turned around in his arms and stared up into his blue eyes. 

He rested his forehead on hers as he told her, “Oh, baby, round one had my blood pumping, but round two had me almost exploding in my pants like a school boy.”

Marlena saw Kim’s panic and she heard the outraged exclamations of the Brady family behind her. In a rush she blurted loudly, “Your honor! May I address the court?”

Rebecca stood up in a fury, saying rudely, “Dr. Evans has already given her testimony, your honor! Arguments have been heard!”

The judge stared at Rebecca with narrowed eyes, “Do you really feel I need to be apprised of the goings on in my own court?”

Rebecca stumbled over her next words, trying to regain her footing, “No, I–I’m sorry, your honor–”

Mickey jumped in, “ –your honor! Dr. Evans can give expert testimony as to the state sanitarium!”

John watched as Rebecca fumbled, dumbfounded, and he couldn’t help being entranced as Marlena stood there calmly – watching… waiting. 

“That’s entirely irrelevant–” Rebecca cried loudly, her growing panic obvious.

“ –and how treatment there would affect my client!” Mickey said even louder, trying to be heard over Rebecca’s objections.

“Your honor?” Rebecca yelled.

“Both counsels are out of order!” the judge said over both of them. 

Shawn stood up, “Well is it gonna kill ye to hear what she has to say?”

The judge pointed his finger towards Shawn, “I have warned you before–”

Marlena reached for Shawn’s hand, placing a calming touch on him, and then she turned and faced the judge. “It will just take a moment. Just a moment!” 

The judge sat back in his chair, watching Marlena with wary eyes. “Very well, but if I don’t find this testimony relevant, I will cut you off.”

Stepping around Kim, Marlena approached the center of the courtroom, brushing by Rebecca. “Thank you, your honor.”

Rebecca tried to force the issue again, “I really must object–”

“ –I disagree, counselor!” the judge told her forcefully. “Please return to your seat.”

When Marlena had sat back down next to John that afternoon, his desire had been evident. So had the blush that started at the base of his neck and slowly worked its way into his cheeks as he realized Marlena had noticed his significant discomfort. She’d noticed, and she’d leaned towards him, quietly teasing, “I didn’t realize legal matters turned you on, John Black.”

He’d stared at her with arousal blown eyes, and told her in rough, low tones, “Oh, I think we both know it’s got nothing to do with legal matters.”

As she stared up at him, standing in the laundry room so close to her, she thought about how much she loved him. It seemed ridiculous that she had tried so hard to make her marriage to Roman work, when everything in her soul pulled her towards John with the force of gravity. There was no denying that. The fact that she’d tried was inconceivable. 

Marlena chuckled lightly, and John asked her, “You found my discomfort humorous?”

“No… no,” she whispered. “I was thinking about how much I love you, and about the ridiculousness of my failed attempt to make my marriage with Roman work. It was never going to work, and instead of facing that and being honest with you… I didn’t believe you would love me.”

“Doc…” He trailed his index finger gently across her cheek. “There was never doubt that I loved you. I loved you then, and I love you now. I should have told you that.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She’s like a fire on the mountain

Like some kind of heaven that’s pouring down on me

She’s a child, she’s a lady

She’s got everything that I could ever need

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman and me

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena looked up at John, “I thought you said this movie was funny?”

He paused the film, tossing the remote control onto the coffee table, and he laughed. She had asked to watch movies she missed during her time with Stefano, and he was trying his best to complete the job. “I don’t remember the beginning being so dark. Do you want to finish it?”

“Maybe another night,” she replied. She couldn’t hold back her yawn as she laid her head on John’s shoulder, and snuggled closer. “I’m just enjoying my time with you. We can watch Joe Versus the Volcano later.”

Wanting to have her right next to him, John lifted his legs up on the couch and then pulled her up alongside him. Marlena sighed sleepily, rolling towards him. “You smell so good.” She slipped her thigh over his leg, and felt the zip of arousal almost instantly when his solid muscle bumped her sex. Without thought she pushed against him again.

He glanced down, and then lifted her chin up so that she was looking at him. Her lips were so inviting. He could imagine that she tasted of grapes with the tang of wine. Leaning down, he softly licked across her lips. Not much, just the tip of his tongue in a soft, gentle swipe. Marlena’s soft moan had him going back for more. Faintly, he whispered, “Doc.”

“Kiss me,” Marlena begged him quietly. Reaching up she levered her arm around his neck and pulled her body up higher. John rolled her so that she was partially on top of him, and he threaded his fingers into her hair, tugging her mouth down to his.

“Fuck you taste good,” he moaned into the recesses of her mouth. “This is much better than watching a movie.”

“I feel like a teenager, but instead of my parents catching us, I’m worried about the twins.” Marlena sucked his bottom lip for a moment, and then bit it softly, loving the sound of his soft groan. Pushing her hips against him again, she felt the throb in her core. Softly, she gasped, “Oh, that feels good.”

“I can make you feel better,” he whispered, rolling her onto her back. He lifted himself up onto his elbow, and stared down at her with his intense gaze. “Do you want that, Doc? Do you want me to help you feel better?”

She glanced towards the entrance to the hallway, saying quietly, “We can’t.”

His warm palm moved along her denim covered thigh, as he told her, “I think we can.” He pushed into the hot space between her legs, cupping her sex through her clothing, and he pushed against her with gentle pressure. Marlena’s eyes went wide as she arched up, “Oh, G-d!”

John put more pressure with the heel of his hand, and rubbed over her. “How does that feel, baby?”

“More,” she whispered, lifting herself into his hand.

Over and over he rubbed against her, adding pressure with every pass. “You are so fucking sexy, Doc. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold off from burying myself in you.” 

“Oh…” she moaned. “Just like that… John…”

He stared down at her. Her cheeks were flushed and her pupils were blown as she stared up at him with softly parted lips. Leaning down he kissed her again, his tongue pushing into her mouth to taste her. She was close, he could sense it. Pushing the heel of his palm down with a little more pressure, he rubbed over her clit, and watched as Marlena exploded underneath him. Her orgasm shook her, and her lips parted in a silent scream. It was fucking glorious, and it left him aching and hard. His desire didn’t matter. Marlena mattered. Laying back down he wrapped himself around her, and kissed her lips gently, whispering, “I love you.”

Her eyes started to close. Her body felt like it was floating. So softly, John barely heard her, she replied, “I love you, John Black.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She moves me, she moves me

Oh, she moves me

She’s like a fire on the mountain

Like some kind of heaven that’s pouring down on me

She’s a child, she’s a lady

She’s got everything that I could ever need

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman and me

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman and me

Yeah, there’s something ‘bout a woman that makes me still

There’s something ‘bout a woman that always will

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Something ‘Bout a Woman – Lady A

Chapter 38 – Slave to Love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tell her I’ll be waiting

In the usual place

With the tired and weary

And there’s no escape

To need a woman

You’ve got to know

How the strong get weak

And the rich get poor

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman tossed the newly delivered set of divorce papers onto his desk, and slammed his fist onto the court summons, before roaring, “Can you fucking believe this, Bo? She’s trying to take my kids away now? A few weeks ago she was content with joint custody, and now she’s taking me to court and demanding I get therapy?”

“Are you really that surprised?” Bo asked him. “After what happened in her office the other day? You can’t seriously think she would let that go.” He didn’t add that it was something that John would not let go.

“That was an accident!” Roman cried. “I didn’t intentionally hurt her! It’s not like I pushed her!”

“I’m not so sure about that. I spoke with Marlena, Roman. Do you think she’d lie to me?” Bo stared at his older brother incredulously. “Whether you intentionally pushed her or you grabbed her and carelessly let go of her, the result is the same! You hurt her, and she feels there’s potential to hurt the twins.”

“I know what this is really about, and John Black is not their father! I am their father, and now he’s trying to steal my children! She’s trying to help him steal my children! That’s what this is about!” Roman rammed his fist into the side of the filing cabinet with a loud clang of metal. “You think I don’t know what’s going on here?”

“You’ve hurt her before. You’ve grabbed her and left bruises. What happened in her office was just another example of you losing your cool and lashing out. Do I think you intentionally shoved her into her desk and pushed her to the ground? I’m not sure.” Bo watched his older brother warily, before telling him, “You’re not the same man you used to be. There’s an edge to you, an anger that makes you act with malice. You’re angry, and I’m not even sure if you still love Marlena… or if you want to punish her.”

Roman stared at Bo for a moment, thinking about what he’d said. He loved his wife, but did he want to punish her? When he thought about the time he was gone and he thought about Marlena with John, thinking it was him, he did feel anger. He felt rage, not just at her, but towards his whole family – even Carrie. He thought about the twins, remembering times when they’d clashed. He could still feel Sami’s small arm gripped tightly in his fist. Shoving the memory aside, he said, “I’m not going to hurt my own kids–”

“ –you hurt Eric,” Bo said, cutting him off. “Don’t deny it.”

“I never intentionally hurt Eric!” Roman looked away as he remembered that day. Guilt washed over him like a flood. It wasn’t his fault. They hated him, and nothing he did could change that, because John and Marlena had poisoned them against him. None of what had happened that morning Eric was hurt had been his fault. 

Bo walked towards Roman’s office door, intending to leave. With his hand on the doorknob he turned back, and said softly, “Intentional or unintentional… are you denying it, Roman? Are you denying that Eric was hurt that day?”

Roman looked down at the floor, and mumbled, “It was an accident. I didn’t mean to–”

“ –did you tell them not to tell Marlena?” Bo asked more forcefully. Roman didn’t even bother to reply. In disgust, Bo told him, “And that’s where the disconnect is, Roman. Those two kids are victims in all of this. You forced John out of their lives. He was the only parent they knew! Marlena had barely been home for three months! You demanded that Marlena give you time to learn your children, which she gave you, and then we find out that all you did was make them fear you… why? Because you felt like you couldn’t stand in the shadow of someone else? Roman! They are children!” Bo paused for a moment, before saying, “I gotta go, man. I can’t even fucking look at you right now.”

The door slammed behind Bo, and Roman walked across the room, sinking into the chair behind his desk with a heavy grunt. He stared at the divorce paper and court summons on his desk as if they might burst into flames at any moment. He’d hoped to keep what had happened that day with Eric and Sami a secret. It had been an accident. All of it. But Bo’s last words rang in his ears, you couldn’t stand in the shadow of someone else. He wanted to argue that it wasn’t true. There was no way in hell he was jealous of John Black. But there was truth to it, because he would never stand in the shadow of John Black. Never.

He’d been scheduled to have the twins for a visit that upcoming weekend. Now he had to contact the court liaison to schedule a supervised visit. There was no way he was going to do that. He wasn’t some abusive son of a bitch that needed eyes watching him when he spent time with his own kids. That wasn’t who he was. 

“It was a G-d damned accident,” he said to himself, still staring at the offensive blue backing on the official papers staring back at him. He wasn’t the man those papers made him out to be, and he would prove it. Slamming his fist on the desk again, he pushed away from it, and stood up quickly. He’d find his own lawyer, but he wasn’t going to be ordered in therapy and anger management classes by anyone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Slave to love

Oh

Slave to love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena removed her glasses, and rubbed her forehead trying to rid herself of the headache she felt building. She hadn’t felt right since her car accident. Maybe she never would. Had she eaten lunch? She couldn’t recall, but then the thought of food wasn’t appealing. She stood up, bending back to try and work out the kinks in her back. “Tea. I think some tea would work nicely.” Just as she moved towards the door to her office the telephone on her desk rang. “Hello?”

“Dr. Evans,” her secretary said softly. “Mickey Horton is on the telephone for you.”

“Thank you,” Marlena said, sitting back down. “You can patch him through.” There was a pause and then she heard Mickey on the line.

“Marlena,” he said. “I’m sorry to bother you while you’re at work, but you wanted to be notified when the updated papers were delivered. I just received word from the courier office. They were delivered about an hour ago. Roman signed for them. You received the updated copies as well, correct?”

Her head started pounding a little more. “I did. Thank you.”

“So, the court date is in a month. If Roman wants to have visitation with the children during that time, it would have to be supervised, as per your request,” Mickey finished.

“Thank you so much, Mickey. I really appreciate your willingness to make the changes,” she said softly. She’d had Mickey rush the changes to the paperwork because after speaking with Sami and Eric she was unwilling to allow Roman’s weekend visitation with the twins take place unless it was supervised. She couldn’t trust him anymore. There had been times when she’d questioned it and then managed to convince herself that Roman was only rough with her, that he’d suffered with Stefano, and even that she’d been the one to bring on his rage. All of it had been her lying to herself. She couldn’t lie anymore.

Mickey’s voice interrupted her thoughts, “That’s what you hired me for, and… I understand the urgency.” He wouldn’t say more on the subject, but he’d been wary of Roman since his return to Salem. He wasn’t the same man he had been. “I’ll have my assistant call you to schedule a date to meet before the hearing next month.”

“Thank you, Mickey.” Marlena hung up the telephone, and rubbed at her forehead again. Glancing at the clock, she decided to leave for the day. She had no other appointments, and going home would allow her to spend time with the twins before she dropped them off with Shawn and Caroline for the night. 

Standing up, a wave of dizziness hit her, as she fell back into her chair. John was right. She needed to take a couple weeks off. Maybe Laura or Whitney could cover emergencies for her and she could move some appointments around? 

She rested her elbows on her desk and allowed her head to rest in them. The stress was almost overwhelming. The only reprieve she had was knowing that Roman’s visits with the twins would have to be supervised. She closed her eyes, and heard Sami’s unsure voice…

“If I say… you won’t get hurt again… you won’t be in–in the hospital?” Sami asked with her eyes full of tears.

“Oh, no! Darling, no! That was an accident, and you had nothing to do with it.” Marlena reached out, cupping Sami’s face. “Why would you think it was your fault?”

Eric looked at his sister. She was scared to say it, and so he whispered, “Dad said if you were stressed… if we upset you, you would get sick again… and go back in the hospital and we–we didn’t want to make you sick.”

Marlena gave John a helpless look. What were they saying? Had Roman emotionally manipulated their children? Sami and Eric were afraid, so afraid that they were hardly able to speak about Roman at all.

Sami could barely get her next words out. “We made you sad… and then you almost died in the car crash.”

“Peanut, hey… hey, look at Papa.” John moved to crouch down in front of her and Eric where they sat on the couch. He reached for her hand, and he glanced between her and her brother. “Your mothers car accident happened because the other person wasn’t paying attention and hit her car. It didn’t happen because of anything you did… but right now we need you both to be honest with us. We need you to tell us what happened.”

Marlena lifted her head and stared at her telephone. Lifting the receiver, she dialed her secretary, waiting for her to pick up the line. When she heard the click, she said softly, “Can you reach out to Laura Horton and Whitney Baker to see if they could cover any emergencies I might have come up in the next few weeks? Also, can you clear my calendar until next month?”

“Is everything okay, Dr. Evans?” her secretary asked with concern.

“I’m not feeling well, and I think… I think I need some time off,” Marlena told her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re running with me

Don’t touch the ground

We’re the restless hearted

Not the chained and bound

The sky is burning

A sea of flame

Though your world is changing

I will be the same

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John juggled Brady in his arm as he reached out with the other to open the front door. “Hey, Vic. How are you?”

Victor gave John a brief smile, but it was Brady who was on the receiving end of Victor’s greeting. Holding his arms out, he said, “I’m excited to get Brady for a few days. My trip to Europe had me away from Salem for far too long.” He glanced around John’s home. It was the first time he’d seen it because he’d been in Europe on business for the last few months. It was much larger than the loft, but modest considering John’s financial means. John had what Isabella had left him and he had his Alamain inheritance. He had mentioned that the house was a project to help him get over losing Isabella, and Victor had to admit that the work was beautiful. He kissed Brady’s cheek and then said, “The original woodwork is very lovely.”

John smiled, “Yeah, and I just cracked the paint that had sealed in those pocket doors I was telling you about a few days ago. I’m going to restore them. Doc was real excited about that.”

Victor considered him for a moment, and then asked, “The two of you have grown close since she’s been here?”

The question seemed innocent enough, but John knew that every inquiry from Victor was deeper than that. Deciding to be honest, he sighed. He had nothing to hide. His feelings for Marlena had never died, and he was fairly certain Victor already knew that. “I love her… I always have. It might sound impossible, that I loved two women at the same time, but–”

“ –not impossible,” Victor told him. He was quiet for a few moments as he adjusted Brady’s weight in his arms. Memories of Caroline filled his mind. He’d always loved her, no matter what woman had been in his life, no matter time and space. Softly he said, “I understand.”

John was quiet and then replied, “You do, don’t you?” He’d been Roman Brady when the news of Victor being Bo’s father had torn the Brady family apart. Bo’s anger at his mother and his sudden understanding of his fractured relationship with Shawn had been hard for John at the time. He’d felt disconnected, and yet desperate to hold his family together. He started walking towards the kitchen, asking over his shoulder, “Victor, would you like something to drink?”

“No. I can’t stay long,” Victor followed John just as the front door opened.

“John! I’m home!” Marlena stopped short when she saw Victor standing there. She shouldn’t have been surprised, his limo was in the driveway, but seeing him in such an understated room, so different from his opulent home, was disconcerting and caught her off guard for a second. 

Victor studied Marlena intently. She had color in her cheeks and her eyes sparked with life. She seemed happy, and he hadn’t seen her happy since before her disappearance in 1986. Even when she’d returned she’d carried an air of sadness with her, although he could understand why. She hadn’t returned to the same family she’d left behind. “Marlena, you look well.”

Dropping her purse on the table next to the door, she faced him. “Thank you. How was Europe?”

“It was all meetings. There was very little time to enjoy the sights. Although, my suite had a wonderful view overlooking the Seine,” Victor replied.

“Oh, I imagine it was beautiful. I’ve always wanted to see Paris.” Brady lifted his head from Victor’s chest, turning to look for where Marlena’s voice was coming from.

“Ma! Ma!” He reached for her, twisting and turning in Victor’s arms so much that he was nearly impossible to hold onto. “Ma! Ma!” 

Glancing between Victor and John, Marlena reached for Brady just as he allowed his small body to fall towards her. “Oh, my sweet boy,” Marlena cooed softly, kissing his fine downy hair. She couldn’t help the feelings of warmth that overtook her at hearing him try to say her name. It sounded so close to mama, and she wanted so badly to be his mother.

Reaching out to pat her cheek, Brady babbled, “Ma, maw… ma, ma…”

“It seems he’s grown quite fond of you,” Victor said watching the way his grandson rested his head on Marlena’s chest and wrapped his fist in her hair like a tether. In one year of life he’d lost his mother, and gained another. Even without John explicitly saying so, Victor saw the way he and Marlena watched each other. There was a connection there that had never been severed. Victor had seen it upon Marlena’s return, and it was why John had struggled so much to make a choice between her and Isabella. Victor knew that John’s decision to be with Isabella had been in part because of her pregnancy with Brady. He’d be a fool to argue otherwise.

John finished pouring his coffee. His eyes wandered appreciatively over Marlena’s gentle curves. The twins were with Shawn and Caroline for the night. Brady was going to spend a few days with Victor, and all he could think about was a night alone in his home with her. Stepping around the kitchen island, his eyes caught Victor’s and there was a flash of understanding. Glancing away quickly, John asked him, Would you like to sit down?”

“No,” he said. “I can’t stay. I told my driver he could have the rest of the evening off.” He fought to contain his self-satisfied smirk as a quick glance passed between John and Marlena.

“Oh, my sweet Brady! I’m going to miss you!” Marlena’s voice muffled as she rubbed her face against Brady’s soft cheek. His soft baby sweet scent wrapped around her, and after one last deep breath she handed the son of her heart over to Victor. Marlena stepped back. She still wasn’t used to this new softer side of Victor Kiriakis. His intense gaze left her feeling exposed and vulnerable.

John set his coffee down and cleared his throat. As he passed behind Marlena, he cupped her hip, sliding his palm over the soft wool blend of her skirt. The movement was quick, and might have gone unnoticed by someone other than Victor Kiriakis. John softly caressed his son’s face, and Victor continued to silently watch John and Marlena, pleased with the new development in John’s life. Marlena Evans was the perfect woman for John, and her love for Brady was evident.

Marlena felt Victor’s eyes on them, and as odd as it was, she felt his approval. For some reason, after all of the years she’d known Victor, feeling his acceptance was a relief. It was much better than being on the receiving end of his scorn. She was lost in her own thoughts when John gently closed the front door. The silence that surrounded them, coupled with the way his eyes settled on her, left her with a slight tremble. After living together for nearly four months, she didn’t think she would be holding back anymore. She wanted a life with him, a home, a family. She wanted him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Slave to Love

Oh

Slave to love

Slave to love (na, na, na, na)

Oh

(Na, na, na, na)

Slave to love

And I can’t escape

I’m a slave to love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Images of them together on the couch, Marlena’s curves hugged by snug denim arching against his palm, passed through John’s mind like the most erotic dream. His eyes took note of her watching him as she unbuttoned her suit jacket, and shrugged it off of her shoulders, laying it gently over the back of the couch. Her lips parted, and her soft intake of breath had him taking three long strides to stand directly in front of her. Softly, barely above a whisper, he said, “So… the twins are with Shawn and Caroline for the night.”

“I just dropped them off,” she breathed.

“Victor has left with Brady.” His fingers brushed against her velvety cheek as Marlena smiled at him.

“I noticed that,” she said with a teasing grin. Leaning into his hand she turned her face and kissed his palm. The salty taste of his skin lingered on her lips.

She stared up at him with hazel eyes that invited so much more, and John rubbed the pad of his thumb across her bottom lip as he considered his next move. “You are so fucking beautiful, Doc, and I’ve been fighting it for months… but I want you so much.” He rested his forehead against hers with a soft moan of desire. “My body aches for you.”

“Mine too,” she gasped. John’s breath wafted across her skin like a soft spring breeze. Reaching out she tucked her fingers in John’s belt loops on his jeans, tugging him closer. “What do you think we should do about that?”

Pausing for a moment, he considered her carefully. His breath caught in his chest. Was she ready? Were they ready? The potential complications swirled through his mind. If they made love, it would be forever. He wouldn’t give her up again. Was she ready for that? Her divorce from Roman wasn’t final, and they couldn’t fully commit until it was. He stepped back, dragging a ragged breath into his tight chest. Another jerky breath, and then he was glancing towards the back of the house, towards the garage. His fists clenched, and gruffly he said, “I’ll be in the garage.”

Marlena watched the emotions play over his face, and then stared helplessly as he walked past her and tore his t-shirt over his head, tossing it onto the couch as he walked by. The muscles in his back bunched as he retreated. All she could think about was his skin sliding against hers, and the strong grip of his hands on her hips as his cock drove into her.

She wasn’t certain what had caused him to run, but in an empty house with no distractions, she had time to find out. John’s shirt was soft against her fingertips as she lifted it to her nose, breathing deeply. Her eyes flashed as she whispered to herself, “He can run, but he won’t be hiding. I won’t allow that.” 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(Can you help me?)

Oh, oh

(Can you help me?)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena walked towards her bedroom with a determined step. He wouldn’t ignore her or push her aside. He wanted her. He’d said so, and then suddenly emotionally withdrawn. Sifting through her dresser drawer she dug towards the bottom, searching for something she’d purchased weeks ago. A soft cotton camisole with matching shorts. It had been an impulse purchase. Soft pointelle cotton with lace trim and soft yellow flowers. Upon seeing it in the store, she’d imagined John seeing her in it for the first time. It was something completely outside of the realm of what she normally wore. Roman had preferred satin nightgowns and negligees. John wanted sexy in an understated way. The camisole with matching shorts was sexy in a way that John Black loved. While at the store, she’d run her fingers over the buttery fabric and imagined his strong hands sliding over her ass, squeezing her flesh until that tell-tale ache deep in her center started to throb.

John wouldn’t know what hit him. She took her clothing in her hands, grabbed her towel, and headed towards the bathroom. It was time to wash, and shave, and then the seduction would begin.

John hit the punching bag hanging in his garage over and over again. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been out there. The sun was half gone from the sky and the air inside the garage had turned cooler. He could feel the ache in his joints with each pulsing impact of his fist. As he pushed his body he kept hoping that it would somehow rid his mind of the images of Marlena next to him on the couch, Marlena’s soft cries of ecstasy under his rough hand, the feel of her sex pushing against his palm. He closed his eyes and shook his head, slamming his fist against the dense bag several more times. The chain rattled where he had it secured to the rafters, and he hit it again. How the fuck was he going to get through the night?

Marlena watched him from the doorway in silence. The weather was perfect for late May. A slight chill to the air as the sun went down had her shivering as she questioned what she was about to do. He hadn’t seen her yet, but once he did there would be no turning back. Her nipples peaked under the thin cotton camisole, and the briefs left the bottom third of her ass exposed. He hadn’t turned around yet. She still had time to disappear, but she didn’t want to. To herself she whispered softly, “No more running, Marlena.”

He resumed his assault on his punching bag with more force than previously. The chain holding it rattled and shook as Marlena padded towards him on bare feet. The cool concrete against her soles calmed her, providing her with a clear head. He was absolutely beautiful. The way his body moved, grace, elegance in every motion. John’s arm pulled back, ready to swing forward yet again, and Marlena gently placed her warm palm over the tattoo of the phoenix etched into the flesh of his right shoulder. It had once scared her. Now it represented the man she loved.

He froze in place, his heavy breaths ripping free of his chest. “Doc, I’ll be in the house in a little while. I just need to… I need… shit!” He punched the bag again. He didn’t know what he needed. That was a lie. He knew exactly what he needed, but he didn’t want just her body. He wanted her, and if he couldn’t have all of her, he would wait. She wasn’t ready. 

“John? Will you look at me?” Marlena whispered from behind him. She stepped closer, so close she was almost resting against him. Her small hand slid over his shoulder, and her breath washed over his skin. “Please?”

He wasn’t sure if she was trying to drive him mad, or if it was all innocent, but even without looking at her, the scent of her soap, the touch of her hand, and her soft seductive voice was causing a physical reaction. He’d come out to the garage to beat those desires out of himself, and one single touch had him wanting to devour her. With a soft groan he asked, “Did you just get out of the shower?”

Marlena leaned forward, pressing her breasts against his back, and rubbing her cheek across his moist skin. “Yes.”

“I can smell your shampoo,” he whispered, staring at the dark red plastic of the punching bag in front of him. “Is your hair wet?”

“My hair’s wet.” She kissed a path from his spine to his right shoulder. “I tied it up on top of my head.”

John’s cock twitched. He wanted to take her hair down and bury his face in it. He remembered when they were married. The way she would come to him with her hair tied up, and her glasses perched on her nose. Oh, G-d! Was she wearing her glasses? She’d been the perfect picture of sensuality and he’d wanted nothing more than to mess her up and get lost in her. A long, heated swipe of Marlena’s tongue across his skin had him growling, “What are you doing, Doc?”

She couldn’t help smiling. “Making a choice.”

He started fumbling to get the boxing gloves off of his hands. Blood pulsed in his ears, and his cock started to throb. “Are you sure about what you’re choosing to do?”

Biting his shoulder, she whispered, “I’m sure.”

He spun on his heel, intending to reach for her, and he immediately froze. The woman that stared back at him took his breath away. His chest clenched, and he rasped out, “Fuck!” Marlena stood in front of him wearing those damned glasses that made him want to fuck her, and a small cotton top covered in tiny yellow flowers. It was edged in lace. Her breasts were tipped by peaked nipples, and he could feel his mouth start to water. Scanning lower, his eyes mapped her hips encased in the same soft cotton jersey. It molded to her body while exposing her long shapely legs. His abdomen clenched, and he swallowed thickly. “What are you trying to do to me, baby?”

“You have to ask?” She slid her palm up his abdomen, raking her fingers along his sweat drenched skin and through the hair on his chest. “I think you know what I’m trying to do to you, Sailor.”

“And you’re sure about that?” He stared down at her. “There’s no going back. You’ll be mine. You understand that, right?”

She considered what that entailed, to be his. It meant love. It meant respect. It meant partnership. “I understand,” she said softly.

Reaching up, he looped his finger around the hairband holding her messy bun in place and he tugged it free of her hair, watching in silent awe as her damp hair spilled around her shoulders. The scent of lavender shampoo surrounded them. John threaded his fingers into her hair roughly, and tugged her forward until his mouth crashed against her. Everything else disappeared. There was only him, and her, and he was absolutely lost. His tongue dipped between her lips, and he growled. Releasing her hair, he pulled her against him with a grunt, sliding his hands down her spine, and along her hips, finally settling on her rounded bottom. He lifted her to her toes against him, “G-d, Marlena… what are you wearing? I fucking love this.” He worked his fingers under the hem of her shorts, and pushed deeper between her legs squeezing her flesh the same way she’d imagine he would.

A deep and heavy ache started in her core, and Marlena cried out into the recesses of his mouth, “Oh, G-d!”

“We’ve been dancing around each other for months, Doc.” John stared down at her, sweaty tendrils of hair hanging over his forehead. “You came out here wanting this. Wanting me. You knew I was on edge, and still you come out here wearing this… and smelling like my dreams. Tell me you want this, because control is not something I possess a lot of right now.”

“When we were married, you would sometimes come to my office at lunchtime. Do you remember?” she asked.

His muscles trembled, “I remember.” How could he forget? Those quick frenzied meetings where he fucked her in the bathroom, or over her desk? Those moments where they fell into the couch in her office and he slammed into her roughly as she bit his shoulder to keep from crying out. He remembered it all.

“That’s what I want right now. Give me that,” she whispered, raking her fingernails over his nipples. “Give me that, John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The storm is breaking

Or so it seems

We’re too young to reason

Too grown up to dream

And the spring is turning

Your face to mine

I can hear your laughter

I can see your smile

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Turn around and grab onto the bag,” he growled. He fumbled with the fastening on his jeans as he watched her slowly turn. Her arms stretched high, gripping the top of the bag, and her head fell back. The scent of her damp curls assaulted him as he watched her blonde hair sway across her back. Marlena’s trim waist flared out to her hips, and John couldn’t take his eyes off of her rounded ass or the way the cotton shorts clung to her. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to tear them off of her, or pull them to the side.

With his pants forgotten for the moment, he pressed his body against Marlena, allowing her to feel the abrasiveness of the denim, as he said roughly, “I’ve been aching for you since I got you off the other night and forced myself to go to sleep.”

Marlena struggled to take in short gasps of air, and then cried out softly as John tugged her camisole top up over her breasts. The cool plastic against her skin was shocking, and yet it ramped up her arousal. “The children aren’t here tonight. We don’t have to hold back.”

“Fuck, Doc.” Pulling her face to the side, he sucked at her mouth, kissing her deeply over and and over again as she swayed helplessly with the weight of the bag. Her toes tipped and clung to the floor, and still he kissed her and bit the tender flesh of her lips. Staring down at her, he squeezed her jaw roughly, forcing her hazel eyes to stare into his. “You want me? Forever? You’re going to marry me?”

“Is this a proposal?” she whispered.

“Fuck, yes, it’s a proposal.” He bit her shoulder, pushing his engorged length against her soft bottom, smiling as Marlena moaned with want. The sound of his zipper sliding down echoed through the garage, and then his heated hands slipped between her thighs, as he growled, “Open up for me, baby.”

She felt wanton, dirty… and above all else, loved. Roman had never had her aching so much to be filled. He had never had her craving his touch so much she felt as if she might burn up from the inside out. “Ask me,” she gasped. “Ask me to be your wife.”

His fingers trembled and tangled in the soft lace at her waist as he struggled to get the cotton over her hips. It slithered to the floor soundlessly, and he pushed his fingers into the swollen folds between her legs, gowling against her ear, “Dr. Marlena Evans, will you marry me?”

“Yes!” Marlena’s soft gasp came as John pushed his heated, throbbing length into the slick space between her legs. The tip of his cock was wrapped in her swollen sex, and as he pushed forward he bumped her clit roughly.

“Fuck,” he growled. Her slippery, welcoming heat was heaven. Sliding forward again, he kissed her cheeks, her neck, and then sliding his tongue across her shoulder, he reached up, cupping her breasts. He plucked at her nipples, mumbling, “Fuck, fuck… Doc, you are everything to me. Everything. I love you.”

“Inside me,” she gasped. Every bump of his cock against her clit drove her higher, but she wanted him inside her. She wanted the friction of his chest against her back, and his heated breath against her cheek. “Make love to me, John… fuck me… please!”

“Tip you ass back, baby.” He felt her curve her back, pushing the soft globes of her bottom into him. With a tremble in his voice, he said, “Yeah… yeah, just like that.” Taking his length into his rough palm he allowed himself several aggressive pulls, and then he lined himself up with her opening. He pushed partially inside of her feeling her overwhelming heat engulf him, and he fought the urge to push in further. Marlena’s soft cry let him know that she was ready for him, but he didn’t want to hurt her.

“More,” she whispered.

Sliding deeper, John closed his eyes and allowed his head to drop to her shoulder. Both of his hands moved to her hips, and with one last slow, controlled push, he pressed against her, as deep as he could go, and fought the urge to come immediately. Taking ragged, jerky breaths, he stayed in that position for several moments until he heard Marlena’s soft, desperate plea for him to move. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

She was so close to an orgasm. She just needed him to move. “You won’t.”

John ran his index finger over the scar on her abdomen. “I worry about you.”

“I won’t break,” she said softly. She squeezed her internal muscles, feeling him inside her. John groaned softly, his fingernails scraping the skin along her hip. 

He gripped her harder, and he had the vaguest notion that she would be riddled with bruises the following day. “Baby, you’re killing me. Fucking killing me.”

“I love you,” Marlena said, resting her cheek against the bag holding her up. “I want to feel you. All of you. The way you used to in those desperate moments when time was limited. When you would push us both to the brink and then bring us back to Earth. John, please…”

The desperate plea in her voice was what moved him. With one hand on her hip, and the other flat below her navel, he slowly pulled his length out and then pushed back inside of her. It was torturous, and excruciatingly, agonizingly blissful at the same time. Out and back one more time, and John growled pushing into her as deep as he could go. “I won’t last long…”

“We’ve got all night,” she gasped, pushing her bottom against him in a silent plea for more pressure.

All night. He smiled. They had the rest of their lives. He would fuck her and make love to her in every scenario his dirty mind had ever conjured, and she would beg for it. With both hands holding her firmly in place, John licked over her ear and slid his chest along her spine. “Hold tight baby.”

Her body jerked as he slid out and then pushed back into her roughly. Marlena cried out, “Oh, G-d!”

“This is how it’s supposed to be, Doc. You and me… our bodies together as one.” Marlena turned her face to his and he kissed her deeply. The soft swipe of his tongue against hers, and their mingling of breaths kept them mostly silent, and the only sound in the room was the creak of the punching bag as it held Marlena’s weight. John pushed them both higher and higher. Sweat trickled down her spine, and he leaned forward to lick it from her skin, and that was all it took. With a growl he thrust forward, digging his fingers into her soft hips to hold her still, and they were both lost to their pleasure in moments. John bit down hard on her shoulder as she cried out and shook beneath him. His last thrust had his roar echoing into the cavernous space, and then he fell against her back, holding them both in place while praying the bag would hold them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Slave to love (Na, na, na, na)

Oh

(Na, na, na, na)

Slave to love

And I can’t escape

I’m a slave to love

Slave to love (Na, na, na, na)

Oh

(Na, na, na, na)

Slave to love

And I can’t escape

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They had somehow made it back inside the house. John had maneuvered their exhausted bodies into the shower, and yet it hadn’t taken long for Marlena’s body to crave him. Her head fell back against John’s chest as his soapy hands slid over her breasts languidly. He was seducing her with soft gentle strokes of his rough palms, and the sliding kisses along the side of her neck and over her shoulders. The rasp of calluses across her peaked nipples, had her arching into his hands. Softly, she whispered, “I want you again.”

Cupping her flesh, he squeezed her just hard enough to make her groan with a mixture of pain and desire while pulling at her nipples. Allowing the water to rinse over her quickly, he turned her body so that her back hit the cool marble of the shower wall. John’s mouth took hers, and without words, he slid his arm under her leg lifting it and opening her sex wide. He was already throbbing and engorged. He’d been rubbing his cock against her ass for the last fifteen minutes. Sliding into her effortlessly with a low rumble, he told her, “I love you. I have always, and will always, love you.”

“I love you,” she said breathlessly. His finger rubbed over her anus softly making the ache inside her grow. “I love you. I love you… oh!” She gasped when John thrust into her center, and she cried out when his finger pushed into her backside simultaneously, “I love you!”

Their skin slid effortlessly with the residual soap, and Marlena pressed her breasts against him wanting the friction that came from his chest hair scraping across her nipples. She stared up at him with arousal blown eyes and softly parted lips, and John could do nothing but stare back, and lose himself yet again in her. Pushing his finger deeper, he whispered darkly, “I want your ass tonight.”

Her head fell back against the shower wall with a thud, and her hazel eyes stared up at him helplessly. All she could do was nod her acquiescence, and give herself over to his deep thrusts, and probing finger. He would explode and die within her presence for the rest of his life and welcome it every time. With one last groan he thrust into her as his mouth devoured her, pushing his finger deeper into her ass, and Marlena felt something inside of her explode as she screamed into him and he inhaled her very essence into his lungs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m a slave to love 

(Na, na, na, na)

(Na, na, na, na)

Slave to love

And I can’t escape…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Slave to Love – Bryan Ferry

Chapter 39 – Falling Like the Stars

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I swear to G-d, when I come home

I’m gonna hold you so close

I swear to G-d, when I come home, I’ll never let go

Like a river, I flow

To the ocean I know

You pull me close, guiding me home

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena had rolled onto her side facing away from John at some point during the night. Her right leg was pulled high exposing her to his eyes as he slowly pulled the covers down off of her body. They’d never managed to put their clothes back on after their shower, since he’d made love to her again almost as soon as they made it to the bed. John softly stroked over the love bites that marked her shoulder, and the one he’d left on her lower back. Every bruise or scratch was a testament to their lovemaking. He smiled. She’d agreed to marry him. It had been in the heat of the moment, but he would hold her to it. As soon as her divorce from Roman was finalized, he wanted to start planning their future.

Marlena moaned softly as she woke to the feeling of John’s finger trailing down her spine. Every muscle in her body ached, and still she pulled her leg higher when his finger dipped into the crevice of her ass. Without moving, she said in a sleepy voice, “You promised me something last night, Sailor… and you never gave it to me.”

Pushing his finger deeper, he rubbed over her sensitive flesh watching in awe as she tipped her hips towards him. Her sex was wide, and he leaned over her, licking over the soft skin along her lower back. The rounded curve of her ass was begging for him to bite it, and unable to resist he nibbled at her hip. He pushed against her bottom with the tip of his finger, and then squeezed her flesh roughly as he told her, “You shouldn’t be teasing me, baby.”

“Who says I’m teasing you? Maybe I’m asking for it.” She wanted him. No one had ever breached her there except him. No one ever would. There were things she’d done with John that she would never trust another soul to do. He’d bound her to the bed, he’d blindfolded her, and he was the only one she had ever trusted to give over her control to. No one else. She was aching for him. The heavy throb in her center had her feeling swollen. “I was dreaming that–” She stopped, feeling too embarrassed to say the words that she’d been about to say.

John pushed the weight of his chest against her, pressing her body more deeply into the mattress. “Is this about what I promised in the shower last night? Were you dreaming about my cock buried in your ass?” He kissed his way down the curve of her spine, and licked across her skin as he went. “I want that too. I have woken up so many times covered in my own release after dreaming of that. You’re so tight it’s almost painful and I see stars when everything goes black. I imagine you rubbing your clit while I push into your body–”

“ –oh, G-d!” she gasped. She was on fire. Blood had rushed to her core and she felt as if she were going to burst into flames. Her arm moved so that her hand slid underneath her, and she brushed her fingertips across her clit. She was slick and swollen. She jerked with the sensation, and she could hear John’s choke of arousal so close to her ear. He was watching her, and it turned her on even more. He reached over her, opening the drawer of the bedside table. Seconds later she heard the click of a cap and then felt the cool slide of lubricant as he dribbled it along her bottom. Gravity pulled it lower and she lifted it with her fingers only to slide it back over her clit. She sighed breathlessly at the sensation, “Oh, my G-d…”

He couldn’t breathe. Her body writhed against her hand, and his cock ached as every drop of blood in his body rushed in. Sliding his fingers between her cheeks, he pushed against her anus trying to loosen her up. Marlena cried out, soft mewling sounds that begged him for more. Slipping one finger in, he whispered roughly, “Play with your clit. Make yourself come.”

“I want you,” she whispered into the pillow underneath her head. “I want you.”

“You’re not ready yet.” He pushed in another finger, pulling and stretching her flesh as she arched up into his hand and whined quietly. “You are so fucking beautiful, Doc. I swear my dreams could never hold a candle to having you in my bed.” Adding a third finger, he twisted his hand slowly and gently pulling at her tender skin. Marlena started to shake underneath him, and heard the rapid movement of her hand against the bedsheets. Biting her shoulder roughly, he told her, “Come on your hand. Make yourself come.” He pushed his fingers deeper, stretching her so much he knew she was walking a fine line between pain and ecstasy.

The burning and stinging sensation in her backside combined with John’s filthy words and her own hand was too much. Marlena’s body took over, shaking her to her core, as she screamed out her pleasure. She collapsed against the bed just as John withdrew his hand, and gripped her hips, pulling her limp pelvis up to his.

Gruffly he commanded, “On your knees, Doc.” 

Marlena’s cheek rested against the mattress and she lifted herself up to meet his probing cock. She pushed back against his length, opening herself to him with a long whine of, “Please…” She could hear the slick sounds of him covering himself with more lubricant, and that was all it took for her to start rubbing her clit again. She was going to die from anticipation.

He shook when he lined himself up with her hole, and he almost blacked out when his cock head breached that first ring of muscle. “Awww, fuck, baby! Fuck!” He held still, afraid he would lose himself before he even began. He’d forgotten how tight she was. The heat of her engulfed him, and he pushed deeper, craving her like a drug. Leaning over her, he whispered, “I love you.”

She pushed back, feeling his length slide even deeper as the ache in her grew to heights she’d never been too before. Furiously her fingers rubbed over her clit, and she begged him, “More… G-d, John! Please!”

He held her hips tightly, lifting her knees from the bed, and he slid all the way in, holding her against him so there was no escape. He was so close to coming he closed his eyes and held his breath to stop himself. He needed her to come again so that he could let go. “Marlena… baby, are you close?”

“Move,” she whispered, groggy with arousal. “Start moving before I die.”

Pulling out slowly, he watched his cock disappear as he slid back inside her. “Fuck… this feels so good.”

There were no words to describe that achy fullness inside her. Marlena felt her own arousal coating her inner thighs, as John began to slowly thrust inside of her. She wanted to feel him, feel all of him. “John, I need you!”

Resting his chest against her, he wrapped one arm around her waist reveling in the new curves that made up her body. She was absolutely gorgeous. Knowing what would push her over the edge, he began to thrust into her rapidly, and then he dragged his fingernails up her thigh scratching her skin. Marlena cried out underneath him, completely giving herself over to him. Her hand dropped to the bed to catch herself, and then he smacked her hip bringing her that stinging pain that would push her over the edge. Over and over he alternated between dragging his fingernails along her thigh, and spanking her rounded flesh until it was bright red, and still he thrust into her. Finally he pushed deep, and rested himself along her back. Biting her neck, he started coming as he growled, “Come! Come for me right now, Doc!”

Her body exploded. He owned her, and no one besides John Black had ever exerted so much control over her. She’d never allowed them to. She shook and trembled in his arms, knowing that he would support her weight until her body finished. Her pussy continued to spasm, and she moaned deeply when John slid free of her body, placing soft, lingering kisses along her spine and her shoulders. “I love you,” she whispered weakly. “I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. More than I ever could.”

Gently, he lowered their bodies to the bed, pulling her limp, exhausted form back against his chest. He brushed her soft hair back from her face, kissing her temple, and then he pulled the blankets over them, just as the sun was rising over the horizon. “Sleep, baby.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I need you to know that we’re

Falling so fast, we’re falling like the stars, falling in love

And I’m not scared to say those words

With you I’m safe, we’re falling like the stars, we’re falling in love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The sun was fully peeking through the blinds when Marlena rolled towards John and softly ran her fingers through the hair on his chest. “I love you,” she said quietly. The skin of her bottom and along the back of her thighs was stinging, and she couldn’t help but smile. It was a pleasant burn. The type that would have her remembering what she and John had just done for the rest of the day. 

“I love you,” he mumbled in a sleep roughened voice.

Marlena was quiet for a moment, before she said, “I was thinking–”

“ –that’s what all that noise was,” John teased.

She slapped playfully at his chest. “I was thinking that it might be nice to make the upstairs space for the children and then maybe… create a downstairs space for us. Kind of like our own little sanctuary.”

“And how long have you been thinking about that?”

“A while… since you showed me upstairs, I guess.” She focused on the feeling of his skin under her palm, and then she told him, “I think that night was when I started to really think about us. Making a life with you… and being happy… being enough, I guess. It was when I started to believe it, I guess… well, no, not believe it, but trust it.”

He thought about the upstairs space. “I hadn’t considered it,” he said. Pulling her closer he laid his hand over hers where it rested on his chest. “I could combine this room with the one Eric is using next door, and across the hall… I could combine those to make an office space for you.”

Marlena was confused for a moment, “Office space? John I don’t need–”

“ –just think about it,” he said. “If you had a home practice, you could set your own hours, limit your patients… and I could add a separate entrance at the back to maintain the privacy of your patients. You’ve mentioned it before, about wanting to cut back and spend more time with the children. I have enough money for five lifetimes, Doc. You could do it.”

“You remember that?” she whispered. She’d told him that years ago. Right after they were married that August he’d jumped into the river. They’d been laying in bed and John had asked her what her professional dream was. She had felt silly telling him, since it was a pipe dream. Their house wasn’t big enough for that, and she knew it, but that’s what dreams were, right?

“Doc, I think I remember everything you’ve ever told me,” he said quietly. 

“We could turn the upstairs into rooms for the children, and I won’t lie… I was concerned about having the children sleep downstairs once they reach their teens. It’s harder to sneak out if they have to escape via some old creaky stairs.”

“Ah,” John chuckled. “So keep the stairs creaky. Check.”

“I didn’t realize it at the time, but that night was when I allowed myself to start dreaming of a life with you. I hadn’t allowed myself to dream of that since before Mexico.” She tipped her face up so that she could see his eyes, “I started imagining our lives together that night, and since you’ve proposed, albeit a bit prematurely, I think I’m going to hold you to it, John Black.”

“I don’t renege on a promise, baby… and I take that promise seriously.” He brushed his fingers over her lips, noting that they were still swollen from their lovemaking. “I’m going to marry you, and you already accepted.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Her eyes teased him, and then she laid her head back down. Her body had that soft relaxed feeling that came from a night underneath his hands. As she stretched, she moaned softly, every ache reminding her of what they’d done.

John smoothed his palm over her hip. “You are so sexy with these extra curves. You know… I was worried about you for a while when you were with Roman. You were skipping meals, and your anxiety… you’d lost so much weight.”

Marlena laughed, “Well now I’ve gained it back and maybe a little extra. I noticed yesterday that my skirt was getting a little snug. I may need to stop eating so much bread.”

Pushing her onto her back, he stared down at her with heated eyes when the sheet slipped below her breast. He pinned her arms beside her head, and then leaned forward laving his tongue over her dusky nipple with a moan. “You taste so fucking good.” Marlena moaned and arched up, watching as John pulled her nipple between his lips and gently suckled her.

“That feels so good,” she whispered.

“Are you sore?” he asked her.

She stared down as he dragged his lips back and forth across her peaked flesh. “A little… not enough to stop you.”

“So if I promise to be gentle?”

“I’m already wet,” she breathed. She spread her legs beneath him, and sighed when she felt his already engorged length settle against her thighs. With little effort, he slid into her with a groan as his mouth took hers. Marlena gasped as he rocked into her, “Oh, G-d…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I swear to G-d, I can see

Four kids and no sleep

We’ll have one on each knee, you and me, hmm

And when they’ve grown up

You’re still the girl in the club

When I held your hair up ‘cause you had too much

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Juggling the bag that contained the paint stripper as well as his keys and wallet, John entered the house to find Marlena asleep on the couch. The novel she had been reading lay on the floor where it obviously dropped from her outstretched hand. He was relieved when she’d told him the night before that she was taking time off of work. He’d suggested it, but she’d seemed so reluctant at the time, he hadn’t expected that she would do it. Finding out that Laura had agreed to cover emergencies and that Marlena had cleared her calendar had taken an emotional weight off him. He was worried. Now, she could spend the next few weeks focusing on herself and hopefully get her immune system back in line.  

Dropping his bag, keys, and wallet on the table near the door, he kicked off his shoes and walked towards her. Her shirt had come unbuttoned and the curve of her breasts were showing. He reached out, tracing his fingertip over the purple mark vibrant against her freckled skin. He’d done that. That and so much more. Marlena’s eyes fluttered open, and John whispered, “Hey, pretty lady.”

Disoriented, she asked, “I fell asleep?”

“You did.” He traced his finger a little lower, dipping into the edge of her top. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and it drove him insane with want. Even when they were married he’d felt as if he lived in a constant state of arousal with her. Marlena affected him like no other. “Do you feel rested?”

“Some.” She moved to try and sit up, but he held her in place with a soft, gentle hand on her shoulder. “Don’t get up just yet. I want to kiss you.”

A sleepy smile came over her, “Oh.”

He watched her lick over her lips, and then he leaned forward. “I’m going to be the one kissing you forever.”

His soft lips played across hers softly, and Marlena teasingly whispered, “Last night… were you serious? About marrying me? I mean, it was the heat of the moment, and–”

“ –you already said yes, Doc.” He nibbled at her bottom lip, and he muttered, “No take backs, baby. You already agreed to be my wife.”

“No take backs,” she whispered, allowing him to pull her to the edge of the couch. His fingers threaded through her hair, and the stinging sensation that came from his grip shot straight to her core. 

John licked her mouth, and then slid his lips along the edge of her jaw. His fingers tugged at the buttons on her top, popping another one free. With a soft groan he stared at the marks on her skin. “If you weren’t so tired… I’d leave a few more bites on you. So when you see your nude body in the bathroom mirror, the first thing you hear is my voice saying mine.”

“My ass is still on fire from this morning,” she moaned. The sensation of John’s rough smacks had pushed her over the edge into the most cataclysmic orgasm of her life, and she would likely be feeling that for days.

His head tipped forward, and he placed a soft kiss on her exposed nipple. Pulling back, he stared at her with dark eyes for a moment before saying, “I’m gonna go work in the garage and give you a break.”

“I’m going to go pick up the twins,” she said. Reaching out, she stopped him before he could leave her side. “I was thinking maybe we could talk to them tonight… about us.”

He wanted to be upfront with them, but he also knew that the last year or so had been really difficult on them. This would be another transition. “You’re ready to do that?”

“I want to be with you.” She touched the curve of his jaw, whispering, “I don’t want to hide my feelings for you. If I want to kiss you in the kitchen, I don’t want to hold back. If I want to sleep in your arms… I don’t want to be across the hall, and I think… I think the twins want that too.”

“And Carrie?” he asked her, still uncertain. 

“Carrie wants that too,” she said softly. “Carrie misses you… and she misses this family. John, it’s time we put back together what Stefano so ruthlessly tore apart.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I need you to know that we’re

Falling so fast, we’re falling like the stars, falling in love

And I’m not scared to say those words

With you I’m safe, we’re falling like the stars, falling in love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The whole drive to the pub, Marlena had been thinking about Caroline’s fish chowder. Thick creamy broth with peas, onions, carrots, and flaky fish along with a slice of buttered soda bread, but the moment Shawn had set the bowl in front of her the scent had hit her nose, she was pushing it away and slapping her hand over her mouth. The chowder had spilled across the table leaving Marlena mortified, and Shawn had immediately had Lisa clear the table, while moving Marlena to a nearby booth. 

“Yer lookin’ a little under the weather,” he said with concern.

“I’ve been better,” she said with embarrassment. Was it that obvious? She was glad she was taking the next few weeks off. She needed time to reset her system, and rest. “I had a cold… possibly the flu, a few weeks ago, but I just haven’t bounced back the way I should. I’ll be fine, though. Just fine.”

“I’ll tell ye what, while Caroline’s getting the children ready to go, I’ll get ye a cup of tea.” He smiled at her and gave her a wink, “It’ll be just what the doctor ordered.”

“That sounds lovely,” Marlena said thankfully. She sank deeper into the booth still dumbfounded over her strange symptoms. Maybe it was time to get some bloodwork done.

Shawn had just placed Marlena’s tea in front of her when the pub door opened and Kimberly walked in. Relief washed over him. Marlena wasn’t looking well, and he didn’t want to pry too much. Since she was so close to Kim, maybe she would talk to her. “It’s good to see ye. Where’s Philip?”

“He’s at work,” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “He’s at the studio. How’s everything going here?”

Shawn glanced back at where Marlena sat quietly in her booth, staring down at her full tea cup. “Well, everything’s going fine. Mum’s upstairs with the twins and I’m holdin’ down the fort here.”

“Hmmm,” she said. “Well, I’ll have to stop by and say hey.” Glancing around her father, Kim’s eyes lit up, “Oh! Marlena’s here!” With a heavy sigh, he glanced back towards Marlena again, concern lining his face. “A frown,” Kim said. “What’s that about?”

 “She looks okay now, but ye know, a little while ago she was shakin’ like a leaf, and she was white as a ghost, and she tried ta get up and she’s a little queasy. She even spilled her cup a chowder all over the place.” He looked back one last time, and then told his daughter, “I think she’s sick.”

Kim stared at the back of Marlena’s bowed head, saying, “It sounds like she could be.”

“You know them doctors. They gotta be cartin’ them out the door before they be admittin’ sumtin’s wrong,” he said. Kim chuckled, and Shawn asked her, “Would ye go and talk with her? Huh?”

Reaching for her father’s hands and squeezing them gently, she said, “Sure.”

“See maybe, if she’d go home, and rest?” he finished with concern. Marlena and Roman’s upcoming divorce had not changed how Shawn felt about Marlena. She was family, and she would always be family. As would John. There was no changing that in Shawn’s mind.

Kim smiled up at her father, “I gotcha. I gotcha.” She touched Marlena’s shoulder softly, so as not to startle her, and she whispered softly, “Guess who?”

Marlena looked up and smiled when she saw Kim behind her. She looked so well, and Marlena hadn’t been able to catch up with her since her trial had finished. She knew they needed to schedule more appointments, especially since she’d taken responsibility for Kim as a condition of Kim’s release. “Oh! Hi, Kim!”

“Mind if I join you?”

“No, not at all.” Marlena tried to rid her mind of the brain fog she felt she’d been living with, and she said, “Please do.”

“Where’s John tonight?’ Kim asked her, placing her purse in the seat next to her.

“He’s at the house stripping the many layers of paint off of the pocket doors he wants to refurbish. He’s hoping for some amazing natural wood grain underneath.” Marlena sighed gently with a soft smile. “I’m picking up the twins.”

“Philip’s busy too.” Kim replied, still getting settled. “So, how are things going with you?” Marlena stared at her curiously. “Pop just told me that you’re feeling kind of sick.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I–I think I’m having trouble getting over that flu I had, or maybe I’m coming down with another cold.” Marlena scratched her head absently. The way Kim was watching her had Marlena feeling as if she could see the wheels turning in her sister in law’s head.

“Hmm.” Kim said, “From what he said, I don’t know. It sounds more like the flu if you’re nauseated.”

“Well… well, maybe,” Marlena replied dismissively. “It’s uh– yeah, yeah, it’s, uh, I was pretty sick to my stomach yesterday, but then it–then it passed.” She shrugged.

“Hmm, until tonight?” Kim asked.

“Yeah.” Marlena glanced over at the table that housed the tray containing her chowder mess that still needed to be cleared, and then back towards Kim. “Yeah, Pop put down some fish chowder and it just… my stomach just went upside down.” She cupped her cheeks, feeling them warm with embarrassment as she remembered it. Quickly, she reached for Kim’s hand saying, “I’m sure it wasn’t the chowder though.”

They both laughed as Kim lifted her finger to her lips as if to promise she wouldn’t say anything about it to Caroline. “I’ll never tell.” She was quiet for a moment, and then concern lit her eyes. Leaning forward, she asked softly, “Hey, but are you okay otherwise?” Kim knew that Roman had not made things easy for Marlena. Nothing had been easy for Marlena since her return nearly two years earlier. Kim glanced at her father, and nodded her head towards him, “Because he thinks you should be at home in bed and sleeping.”

“Oh, no, no, no. I’m just, I’m tired, but I’m fine… fine.” Marlena took a sip of her tea feeling decidedly uncomfortable with the way Kim was watching her. 

Kim sat back, crossing her arms. “Tired? How long have you been tired?”

“I don’t know. Since I was sick… or maybe just a week or two. Things have been so stressful. I’m not really sure.” She sat her tea down, trying to figure out what direction Kim was going with her line of questioning. 

A smirk came over Kim’s face. “Call me crazy, but somehow this is all sounding very familiar to me. In fact, I went through these same things when I was… pregnant.”

Marlena’s hand trembled as she attempted to pick up her mug of tea. It shook so badly, she gave up entirely, while staring at Kimberly like a deer caught in headlights. Pregnant? Immediately she wanted to dismiss the suggestion. “What?”

Kim leaned closer, whispering, “Marlena, could you possibly be pregnant?”

“Be pregnant? No.” But even as she denied it, she was trying to figure out when her last period was. 

“Well, it’s possible isn’t it?” Kim asked her.

“No. It’s ridiculous. It’s– I’m not.” Her heart was racing, and she could hear the pounding of blood in her ears. 

“Marlena, why would something like that be so ridiculous?” Kim smiled at her warmly. If Marlena was pregnant, it would likely be John’s child. Sadly, Roman had made sure to notify the whole family that he hadn’t made love to Marlena in nearly five months before she ran off to be with John that night in early February. It wasn’t information any of them had wanted, but Roman’s verbal rampages in the first few days after he’d destroyed his own marriage were something none of them could have stopped. “Are you worried because it would be John’s child?”

“Sami and Eric are eight years old! It’s a little late for me to be having a baby, don’t you think?” As the words left her mouth, though, Marlena felt something start to build deep inside of herself. It was hope. A child. John’s child. 

“Well, you may not be ready for another child, but you certainly could have one,” Kim said. The confusion and realization on Marlena’s face told her that the other woman hadn’t even considered it. 

“I–I’m not pregnant. I have a virus,” Marlena argued.

Kim shrugged, “Okay. Okay. Just a tiny thought. Just a tiny–”

“ –it’s, uh, it’s a bad thought so just give it up all right?” Marlena knew her tone came off sharp, and she closed her eyes quickly. “I’m sorry, Kim. I’m sorry. I’m just so moody, and stressed. The fatigue is–” She stopped talking as Kim watched her, and then she glanced down at her hands. She was pregnant. Everything Kim had said set off alarm bells in her mind. With a sigh of defeat, she lifted her eyes, saying, “I think I need to call John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I swear to G-d, every day

He won’t take you away

‘Cause without you, babe, I lose my way

Oh, I’m in love, oh, I’m in love, oh, I’m in love

Oh, I’m in love, Oh, I’m in love, oh, I’m in love

(Falling like the stars)

And I need you to know that we’re

Falling so fast, we’re falling like the stars, falling in love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The row of pregnancy tests that lined the shelves was a myriad of brands and colors and Marlena was already feeling lightheaded. Pregnant? It hadn’t even occurred to her, and yet as soon as Kim had suggested it, she knew it was true. There was no other explanation. A home test would confirm it, and a doctor’s appointment would verify that, but in her heart, Marlena knew she was carrying John’s child. John’s earlier comment about her new found curves suddenly held more meaning. Her hand settled on her abdomen, and she smiled. There was a soft curve there that she recognized. How had she missed that?

She’d missed it because everything had been so fast paced over the last few months. It was almost embarrassing to think she had been sick off and on for weeks and the possibility of a pregnancy had not occurred to her once. She and John had made love so many times that night she’d lost count. Sore muscles and love bites had marked her skin the following day, and for the week following. They hadn’t used protection, which was idiocy, but she’d been so emotionally distraught and John… well, John had been drunk. Still that was no excuse.

Marlena glanced down the aisle, and immediately gave an internal groan. Maggie Horton. Oh, Lord. Everyone at the hospital would know she was looking at pregnancy tests within the next two hours. Would Maggie assume it was for Marlena, or would she think Marlena was buying it for Carrie? Either way, the secret was out. Pasting a smile on her face, Marlena said, “Maggie. What a surprise to see you here.”

“Marlena!” Maggie gushed, rushing down the empty aisle towards her. She glanced around to verify what she suspected Marlena was looking at and felt a sense of satisfaction at finding out she was correct. “I was just picking up some snacks for Abby. What a surprise to see you.”

If the floor would open up and swallow her whole, Marlena would have been more than grateful. Looking around she realized that Maggie would think she was either buying a pregnancy test, lubricant or condoms. None of those were options Marlena wanted to consider. In an effort to get Maggie off of her back, Marlena mumbled, “I think I’m in the wrong aisle. I don’t usually come to this pharmacy, and I was looking for tampons.”

Disappointment crossed Maggie’s features for a split second before she brightened up saying, “Tampons! Oh, those are in the next aisle over.”

“Goodness! Thank you,” Marlena said. “I’m in such a hurry to get home I must have misheard the clerk.”

Slightly disappointed that she’d been wrong, Maggie said quickly, “It was lovely seeing you, Marlena.” Maggie gave her a quick hug. “I must be getting home.”

Marlena wandered over to the next aisle over muttering to herself, “Where is John?” She’d called him before she left the pub, and he said he’d meet her at the pharmacy. Placing her palms on her warm cheeks, she glanced up at the mirrors the pharmacy had placed around to deter shoplifters. Watching carefully, she saw Maggie pay for her things and start to leave, only to run headlong into John on her way out the door. “Oh, Lord! This is not happening!”

Maggie looked up to see that she had run into John. She immediately found that interesting, since everyone in town knew that Marlena had been living with him since her marriage to Roman had broken up. “John! What a surprise to see you here! I just ran into Marlena here.”

Shit. Maggie was a gossip. She was kind, and she was a friend, but she could not keep a secret to save her life. If Marlena was already four months pregnant, it wouldn’t be a secret for long, but he didn’t want any rumors just yet. “Brady’s out of formula,” he told her quickly. “I was going to pick some up and run it over to Victor’s house.”

“Victor’s back from Europe?” she asked, completely forgetting about Marlena and John for a moment. “I hadn’t heard.”

Hoping to give her something else to gossip about, John said, “Yes. He just came back a couple days ago. He had some issues setting up Titan Publishing in Paris. Some snag about international law, but you know Victor, he always finds a way to make things work.”

Maggie’s brain was working overtime. She’d heard that Victor had gone out of town for business, but she hadn’t heard about any problems. Jennifer would be interested. Maybe she could do an article about it. “Well, I really must go. It was lovely to see you.”

John breathed a sigh of relief as Maggie rushed towards her car. Glancing up, he saw Marlena in the mirrors and noted which aisle she was in. As he approached her, he whispered softly, “Tampons, Doc?”

“Maggie caught me in the aisle selling condoms, lubricant, and pregnancy tests, John! All I could do was pretend I couldn’t find the tampons!” She sighed, “Otherwise half of Salem will know about this before I’ve even peed on the damn stick!”

He couldn’t help his chuckle as he slid his palm over her hip and pulled her close to his side. “It’s all gonna be okay, baby.”

“John… what are we going to do?” she asked, dropping her head onto his shoulder for a brief moment.

“We’re going to build our life together,” he replied. “A baby with you… I want that. Sure, it’s a little sooner than we’d planned, but that night with you, Doc… I’m not surprised we got pregnant at all. I think I must have made love to you at least seven times–”

“ –John!” The heat in Marlena’s cheeks seemed to flare even hotter as she glanced around to see who might have heard him. Unable to think clearly, she turned on her heel and walked away, going into the next aisle over.

Marlena reached for three random pregnancy tests and tossed them into the basket she was carrying. John approached her slowly. Loving the way she looked when she was embarrassed, he whispered seductively, “You were so full of my seed that night… it turns me on just thinking about it.”

Marlena’s eyes went wide as she stared up at him with slightly parted lips. He knew what he was doing to her. How many times had he teased her in public or whispered dirty words to her? She loved it, and she hated her reactions to it. And yet, her filthiest dreams would have John whispering naughty ideas in her ear in public, or fingering her in a dressing room at Macy’s. Her core clenched, and she whispered, “John don’t do this to me. Not here. Oh, G-d, we need to leave.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And I’m not scared to say those words

With you I’m safe, we’re falling like the stars, we’re falling in love

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Falling Like the Stars – James Arthur

Chapter 40 – Be My Baby

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The night we met

I knew I needed you so

And if I had the chance

I’d never let you go

So won’t you say you love me

I’ll make you so proud of me

We’ll make ‘em turn their heads

Every place we go

So won’t you please

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Three pregnancy tests lay across the bathroom vanity. Marlena stood in the doorway after waiting fifteen minutes and she froze. It had been the longest fifteen minutes of her life. The result was already known, she knew it almost as soon as Kim had suggested it, but seeing the results of those tests would solidify what she was already certain of. Softly, John’s hand cupped her shoulder, and his breath brushed her ear as he whispered teasingly, “Three tests seems a little excessive, Doc.”

She turned to look at him, “I was stressed, okay? And I–I needed to be certain.” She reached up to her shoulder, placing her hand over his as if to ground herself.

“I thought you were already certain,” he replied, lacing his fingers through hers. He inched around her, still holding her hand, and started pulling her towards the vanity. “Reading these tests is just a formality.”

They both glanced down, and Marlena was confronted with the truth. A blue plus sign, two pink lines, and the dipstick with the HCG line was positive. Three types of tests. Three positives. A baby. She felt John squeeze her hand, and felt the heat of his chest against her spine. Comforting. Reassuring. She glanced up at him to find his eyes filling with tears. He was happy, and that was a relief. He pulled her body up against his, and she whispered, overcome with emotion, “Oh, John!”

“Are you happy?” he asked her, a note of wariness in his voice. His soft lips kissed her temple tenderly. “Because I am so happy, Doc.”

“I am very happy,” she whispered. “I–I sometimes have dreams that I am pregnant with your baby… and it seems so real. I wake up so crestfallen when I realize it’s a figment of my mind… and now… now it’s coming true. We’re having a child. Our child.” She didn’t tell John about the darkness of her dreams. They filled her nights with anxiety. He knew she had nightmares about Stefano, but something had always held her back from mentioning the baby. Those were inky dreams where Stefano taunted her, or she held her son close to her body, rocking him underneath an unfamiliar tree with eyes watching her. All of them were simply manifestations of her fears. Her mind created scenarios to fill the empty space that was lost in those years she was missing. Logically she knew that, but emotionally she felt the pain of loss every time she woke. 

“I have dreams too,” he told her. “Nightmares of how Stefano tried to destroy us. He didn’t, but I won’t deny that he left us both a little battered.” He slid his hand over her abdomen. “Our baby.”

She couldn’t help smiling, as she allowed her head to fall back against his shoulder. “Our baby. I guess we know where all those curves you’re so appreciative of came from.”

John cupped her hips, pulling her flush against him, he smoothed then his palms over her abdomen with an appreciative sound. “I’m astounded sometimes that I have you in my life again. For so long, I watched you struggle with Roman… and I wanted to… it was hard loving you and loving Isabella at the same time. I wanted to go to you when I would see you hurt. I would greet you when we were out and want to hold you for longer than I should.” John stared down into Marlena’s gentle gaze, “Everything was an intricate dance. I had to tell myself not to reach for you, when to let go during a hug… and when to look away if a glance lasted too long.”

What he was telling her wasn’t unfamiliar. She’d gone through the same things. How many arguments had she had with Roman where he brought up John’s name? “I understand. I remember that first Christmas when we returned from Mexico. You kissed me under the mistletoe. I was so surprised that Caroline had hung it there, right next to the tree…” Marlena paused for a moment, and then whispered, “You kissed me… a soft kiss on my cheek… in a room full of people. It was nothing. A perfectly innocent kiss, and yet… I imagined turning my lips towards yours, and I nearly started sobbing. I was so unhappy without you, but you seemed so happy with Isabella.”

“I imagined kissing you, too.” He brushed his fingers across her mouth as he stared at her soft lips. “If you had turned your lips to mine…” John sighed. “I would have devoured you in a room full of people. I was being torn in half, and I had no one to talk to about it. As time went on it got a little easier seeing you with Roman. I was able to find happiness, but then Isabella got sick, and it turned my world upside down. I lost the buffer that she and Brady had become…” John’s hands dropped to his thighs, and his fists clenched as he looked away from her. “G-d that sounds so selfish.”

“It doesn’t,” Marlena told him, turning to face him. “I understand it perfectly. Being with Isabella… loving her and having Brady. It took some of the pain away. It helped with the loss you felt over losing the twins… and me. I’m–I’m sorry for that. Her death was just another emotional blow in a tumultuous year. I understand.” Reaching up, she cupped his face. “I love you. I always have. G-d, I love you so very much.”

Her soft warm body pressed up against him, and he tipped his face down so that he could bury his nose in her silken hair. She smelled like warm spring, lavender, and sex. Forcing down a soft moan, he choked out, “I love you, Marlena.” 

She knew they had to go pick up the twins from Kim’s house. Kim had offered to take them after Marlena called John in a panic while she was at the pub, but the moment with John was so tender, and so special, she wasn’t ready to go just yet. Her fingers ran over his jaw tenderly, “Touch me. Make love to me.”

The soft sucking motion of her lips on his neck pulled a gentle growl from his chest. He watched her hand slide down over the cotton of his t-shirt, and he shivered when they slipped under the hem, skimming along the waist of his jeans. The pull of her fingernails across his skin caused his flesh to bump in their wake. Helplessly, he whispered her name, “Marlena.”

“Please, John.” Her teeth nipped at his collarbone, and then she asked him softly again, “Make love to me.”

With shaky hands, he reached for the small pearlescent buttons on her silk blouse. They fell open one after another revealing her freckled skin and the fleshy curve of her breasts. The evidence of their rough lovemaking the night before marked her skin. Patches of red and purple where his mouth had sucked on her tender skin. His trembling fingers traced over them. “Last night… if I’d known about the baby, I wouldn’t have been so rough.”

“The baby is fine, John.” Marlena slowly allowed her shirt to slide from her shoulders, and then reached behind herself to unfasten her bra. Dropping it on the vanity beside the row of positive pregnancy tests. “I wanted it rough last night.” Her fingers danced over the skin of his abdomen underneath his t-shirt. “This afternoon… I want it soft.”

He tugged his t-shirt over his head with a softly muffled growl, and then allowed himself to be led into the bedroom. He watched in slow motion as she reached for the button on his jeans. Cupping her jaw, he tipped her face up to his, kissing her gently. He was going to worship her. He was going to kiss every scratch and every bruise he’d left on her skin. Trailing his finger along the dip between her full breasts, he whispered, “I’m going to make you scream, Doc.”

She lifted his hand to her mouth, biting the soft skin of his palm. “I was hoping you would.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(Be my, be my baby)

Be my little baby

(My one and only baby)

Say you’ll be my darling

(Be my, be my baby)

Be my baby now

(My one and only baby)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John had the keys in his hand, and his wallet in his back pocket ready to go when Marlena exited the bedroom wearing a tracksuit. She had an expression of confusion on her face as she asked him, “How did I not notice that nearly all of my clothes are getting too tight? John! I feel like a fool.”

“I was too busy being distracted by those sexy curves, and the rest of the time… well, baby, there’s been a lot of shit going on in the last few months.” He took her hand when she met him by the door, and leaned towards her ear. “The thought of you round and swollen with my baby though… that does things to me.”

Marlena reached out to open the front door. “Does it?”

Cupping her ass through the sage colored terry cloth fabric of her pants, he couldn’t help smiling when Marlena moaned softly. He kissed her temple. “That’s a fact, and I’ll prove it to you later.”

Pausing, she closed her eyes, trying to ground herself in the moment. They had to pick up the twins. She could not strip him right there, and let him fuck her over the back of the couch. “John, stop teasing me, or we will never get out of this house.”

He reached over Marlena’s head, pushing the front door closed. “What time is Kim expecting us?”

“John?” she whispered, frozen where she stood.

“What time?” he asked again.

“There was no time.” Her body shook. Those times when John’s voice became rough and commanding had always had that effect on her. Even when she was with Roman, and he was married to Isabella there had been moments when he would tell her to stop or ask her to do something, and the tremble would take over her body. He’d seen it. He’d known. The heat of him behind her had her wondering how she could want him again? This was insane. He had a way of holding her in his grasp, and she didn’t want to fight it. She wanted to give into his every whim – his every desire.

His eyes scanned over the soft fabric covering her ass, and all he wanted to do was smack it. A soft command left his lips, “Both hands on the door, baby.”

Instantly, she was obeying him. She shook with anticipation of his next move as John wordlessly reached around her, unzipping her jacket. He allowed it to fall open, and then tugged her thin t-shirt from her pants, slipping his hands underneath. He pushed underneath her bra forcing a breathy sigh to escape her, and when her bra was pushed up over her breasts and his hands roughly cupped her, she couldn’t help gasping, “Oh, G-d!”.

“I will never get tired of touching you. I will continue to dream up the most imaginative ways to make love to you… to fuck you, and when I’m too old and my dick stops working, I swear to G-d, Doc, I will bury my face in your sex, and make you come on my mouth.” He tucked his fingers into her waistband, and tugged them down over her ass, taking her simple cotton panties with them. Marlena’s gasp of desire was all he needed to hear. Soft panting, breathy sounds that let him know they were on the same page. “Don’t move.”

John’s zipper rasp filled the otherwise silent room, and then his fingers slipped between her legs. She spread her legs wider, feeling arousal coat his fingers as they pushed into the slippery folds of her sex. 

“Fuck, baby. You’re still wet.” He pulled his fingers free, and then slid her moisture over his cock. With a growl, he gripped his length, and then pushed forward, guiding himself into her. Reaching around her, he plucked at her nipple as he whispered in her ear, “Just one last time before we go.”

And she was lost. Her body held close to him, moving in a gentle swaying motion as he thrust into her with slow languid motions. John’s fingers pulled at her nipples, and she braced them both against the front door as he whispered the sweetest, dirtiest words in her ear.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So won’t you please

(Be my, be my baby)

Be my little baby

(My one and only baby)

Say you’ll be my darling

(Be my, be my baby)

Be my baby now

(My one and only baby)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Roman stood outside of Kim’s house reluctantly. She was his sister, and as his father had pointed out loudly over dinner, Kim wasn’t responsible for the break-up of his marriage to Marlena. According to Shawn Brady, Roman had been responsible for that all by himself. According to Caroline, he and Marlena should have spent some time settling into their new lives before rushing headlong into family life, especially after so many years apart. He’d gotten sick of their helpful comments, and stormed out of the house. He could still hear his mother crying his name, and his father yelling, “Aw, fer Christ’s sake, Roman! Ye never listen!”

As much as the two of them felt he never listened, he was standing on Kim’s doorstep. He was going to try and apologize. Afterall, he wasn’t mad at his sister. At least he didn’t think he was. The door opened, and he saw Phillip’s eyes widen in surprise. Without preamble, Roman said roughly, “I need to see Kimmy.”

“Sure,” Phillip said, clapping his hand on Roman’s shoulder. “Come on in. It looks like it’s about to rain again. I feel like all of the rain this year has left the ground so saturated it’s like walking on a sponge.” 

“It sure has,” Roman mumbled, but all he could think about was the ice storm in February and seeing Marlena’s body arching back in John’s hands before the fireplace. It was a memory stuck in his mind on repeat. It was the image of her treachery, and possibly his own failure at the same time. As much as it enraged him, he was slowly coming to understand his own failings. Lately a small part of his own mind whispered that he’d pushed her toward John. He would often shut it down quickly, but in his dreams his mind replayed arguments, it replayed his apathy, and her tears. G-d, those tears. How many had she cried while he silently reveled in her pain? 

Phillip and Roman entered the main living area just as Kim, Eric, and Sami came from the kitchen laughing. He hadn’t seen the twins in awhile, and he’d been too stubborn to schedule supervised visitation. The room was silent, and Roman couldn’t help but notice the way Sami stared at him with wide eyes, and Eric reached for Kim’s hand. After several seconds of quiet, Kim leaned towards Sami, “Hey why don’t you and Eric run into the kitchen and get some of that ice cream you’ve been begging me for?”

Sami wasn’t dumb. She knew her Aunt Kim was just trying to get her and Eric out of the room so she could talk to her dad without them there, but then she looked at Eric, and he looked so sad. She nodded her head, “Okay.” Taking Eric’s hand, she pulled him with her as they headed back towards the kitchen. She felt like what had happened with her dad that day that Eric got hurt was her fault, even though her mom and Aunt Kim had tried to tell her it wasn’t.

Kim gave Roman a hard stare once the children were out of earshot. “I wish you’d called first.”

“How was I supposed to know they’d be here?” Roman asked her defensively. He sighed. Being defensive wasn’t going to change what had happened. “Look, Kimmy, you know me. It was an accident.”

“So, you’re not denying it?” she asked him. 

“I can’t answer that question! I don’t know what they told, Doc! Maybe they exaggerated… maybe they lied. I don’t know!”

“Let me get more specific.” Kim stepped closer to him, her pale blue eyes flashing with anger. “It’s very simple and straightforward. Did you get angry, grab Sami’s arm, and shake her? Did Eric try to stop you? Did you push Eric out of the way, and did he fall down the stairs? Did you threaten them with their mothers health to keep them quiet?”

“It was more complicated than that, Kimmy! You make it sound so simplistic, and it’s not!” Roman rubbed his hands over his face feeling nothing but shame. He could remember that day as if it were yesterday.

How was he going to manage the house, and the kids while Marlena was in the hospital?  He was so overwhelmed he thought he would implode. The house was a mess, the children hated him, and now Marlena was in the hospital because of a car accident. Just the other morning she’d told him she was overwhelmed. They argued. Was she right? No. No, she couldn’t be. He was the man of the house. Him! The house work, the children, all of the extracurricular things… those were her jobs. He knew he should be participating more, but he was busy at work. 

There was also a dark voice inside him he couldn’t silence. A voice that couldn’t stop blaming John Black for the horrible direction Roman’s life had taken. According to everyone in Roman’s life, John had been a model father, an excellent police officer, and a perfect husband. Marlena still wanted John. Roman could see it in her guilty eyes whenever she stared at the man for just a second too long. His children missed John. Sami’s angry eyes and frustrated screams confirmed it, so did Eric’s sad glances. The other officers at the station still talked about John’s perfect record as a detective. The perfect John Black had never been assigned a case he didn’t solve. The exemplary, magnanimous, amazing, John Black. Roman hated him, and he was surrounded by people who loved him.

Marlena’s accident was still being investigated, and it looked like it was the other driver’s fault. They’d been confused with the new turn signal system in front of the highschool and they’d t-boned her’s car. Roman knew though that Marlena hadn’t been sleeping well, and being exhausted while driving could be the difference of life or death in reaction time. That small voice nagged him: Why wasn’t she sleeping well? He pushed it aside like he always did. Marlena’s sleep problems weren’t his responsibility.

He could hear Sami and Eric upstairs arguing again, and part of him blamed them for Marlena’s accident. They were draining her. The small voice whispered that he was draining her, but he ignored it. He had to work. He had to support his family. Eric and Sami were spoiled brats, and John had allowed that to go unchecked for years. Roman sighed. He needed to get ready for work, and now he also needed to get the twins ready to go to the pub. He growled in frustration, remembering that he hadn’t checked on his wife yet that day. She was still in a coma in the hospital. Acid and vitriol swirled in his veins like alcohol as he recalled his conversation with Mike Horton only hours before. John Black, the perfect father, police officer, and husband, had inserted himself into his family once again.

Roman took the stairs two at a time, and strode down the hallway towards Sami’s room, their little voices growing louder as he approached. Throwing the door open so hard that it hit the wall, he screamed, “Stop all of the G-d damned arguing! All the two of you do is argue! It’s no wonder your mother was too exhausted to drive!”

Eric’s face fell and tears filled his eyes, while Sami’s looked at him with so much hatred he thought it might consume her. Stepping closer to him, she hissed, “I hate you!”

Just as she turned to walk away from him, he snatched her ponytail, jerking her back. He stared down into her face, and he said, “I am your father! Don’t you forget that!” Releasing her, he pushed her forward, watching her stumble. He immediately regretted what he’d done. He found himself so often reacting with anger only to be instantly ashamed of his own actions. He justified it, telling himself that no one understood what he had been through, and no one tried to understand the rage he felt at his own helplessness.

Sami stared at him with all of the rage a seven year old could muster, and she roared, “You are not my Daddy! You’re not! My Daddy loves me, and my Daddy never pulled my hair! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” Eric watched it all with wide eyes as he cried silent tears.

Roman tried to latch onto her arm as she ran past him and down the hall. He caught up with her just as she started to go down the stairs. His fingers gripped her upper arm like a vice, and he yanked her back like she weighed nothing. His eyes stared down into hers with fury and spittle fell from his lips as he told her, “John Black is nothing to you! Do you hear me!” He shook her, trying to get her to see, to understand what he was telling her, what he’d been telling them all. “John Black was an imposter! He’s evil! He’s a liar!” He shook her again, unable to stop himself, all the while trying to regain the control he felt he’d lost.

That was when he felt the shove from behind. He glanced down to see his quiet, subdued son staring up at him with red cheeks. “Leave her alone! You’re not allowed to hit girls! My Daddy said boys don’t hit girls, ‘cause we’re stronger.” Eric punched his father in the back several times, still screaming, “We ain’t ‘apposed to his girls!”

Roman pushed his son back, tightening his grip on Sami’s arm. Looking down at her, he muttered, “When I was a boy, a good spanking was what kept me in line.” In an instant he screamed as Eric latched onto his thigh with both arms, and bit down furiously through the denim of Roman’s blue jeans. Roman let go of Sami with a roar, barely noticing the way she fell back into the wall. She stared up at him with fear, as if he were a monster. Maybe he was. Reaching down he threaded his fingers through Eric’s hair, pulling the small boy’s mouth off of his thigh. Eric scrambled to his feet and ran at him again just as Roman pushed him backwards watching helplessly as Eric lost his balance, and fell down the stairs. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ll make you happy, baby

just wait and see

For every kiss you give me

I’ll give you three

Oh, since the day I saw you

I have been waiting for you

You know I will adore you

Till eternity so won’t you please

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Marlena was not happy to find Roman at Kim’s house when she arrived, although Kim assured her that his arrival was unexpected. The twins were eating ice cream with the housekeeper when she and Kim entered in the kitchen, leaving Roman to sit awkwardly in the living room with John and Phillip. “I sent them in here because as soon as they saw him their was a change in their behavior,” Kim whispered. 

Sami glanced up from her nearly empty bowl of ice cream with guilty eyes. “I’m sorry we’re eating ice cream before dinner.”

“That’s okay, darling. Your Papa and I were thinking about having Carrie over for dinner tonight, so we’d be eating later anyway,” Marlena said softly. She walked towards them kissing them each on the top of their heads. “Go get your things together. I need to speak with your Aunt Kimmy.”

Eric hesitated, “Is dad still here?”

Marlena felt Kim’s eyes on her, and she knew there was a fine line she was walking. She never wanted to diminish Roman in her children’s eyes, but what he had done to them was unacceptable. He’d left them feeling uncertain, vulnerable, and scared. “Your Papa is here with me. He’s in the living room with your dad and Phillip. Everything will be fine.”

If her Papa was there, everything would be fine. Sami reached for Eric’s hand, “C’mon! Carrie’s coming for dinner!”

Eric followed behind her silently, giving one last look of love to Marlena. His mother was so beautiful and kind. He’d had memories of her when he was younger, when it was just their Papa and them. Those memories had been hazy, but the sound of his Mama’s voice, and the smell of her perfume had stayed with him. The gentle love he’d felt surrounding those memories had never left him. Having her back had been difficult at first, but as he glanced at her on the way out of the kitchen, he felt like she’d never been gone. He’d seen his dad push her once, and he’d been too afraid to do anything, but he’d fought for Sami. His Papa was proud of him for trying to protect his sister, and that made him happy. He was a brave boy, and he’d never felt very brave at all.

As soon as the twins entered the living room, Roman stood up. Anything to get the hell out of the awkward silence he found himself in. Every time he met John’s eyes he saw something there that scared him, and Phillip kept trying to fill the silence with insane police questions and talk of a show he could produce where cameras followed members of the Salem PD around while they worked. It was ridiculous. A show where cameras followed around police officers would never work. People would be bored senseless. All it would be was drug calls and domestic disturbances by drunkards. “I’m going to go say goodbye to Kim. I’ve got an early morning.”

John watched Roman walk out of the room. It was better that way. He saw Eric’s eyes tracking Roman, and he’d seen Sami instinctively pull her brother closer. Roman needed to be far away from the twins until he received some intense therapy. What he’d done wasn’t something they would ever forget, and hurting his own children… well, John had already imagined several ways in which an accident could befall Roman Brady, although he’d never tell Marlena that. He had a piece of himself that Stefano DiMera had created that scared him. Fantasies about Roman being hit in the head with a shipping crate and falling into the river to drown – that was something John would keep to himself. His only consolation was knowing how easily he could do it and never be caught.

Roman stopped outside of the kitchen when he heard the cadence of Marlena’s voice. Soft. Gentle. He closed his eyes for a moment allowing it to wash over him. “Thanks again for watching the twins,” she said. “I wasn’t sure what to do, and you offering to take them for a few hours was a huge help.”

Kim reached for Marlena’s hand, asking her excitedly, “And? Was I right?” Heat made its way up Marlena’s neck, and she placed her palms to cool her cheeks. “I was! I knew it! Are you… are you excited? What about John?”

“I never thought…” Marlena paused for a moment, but all she saw in Kim’s eyes was happiness for her. “I never thought, after Mexico… I never thought that John and I would have this chance. And now, with this baby.” Her hands moved to her abdomen, curving around the small bump she’d missed growing there. “I don’t know how I didn’t know.”

“Things have been difficult,” Kim replied gently. “Do you have an estimate of when you might be due?”

“The middle of October. John and I hadn’t made love since February, although I know everyone probably thinks–”

“ –it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. I should know that. I’ve been the subject of gossip in this town too many times to count.” Hadn’t. Kim didn’t miss the word. That meant that they had, but only recently. She smiled, saying, “I’m going to be an aunt again, huh? Maybe I should stick around this town a little longer.”

Roman’s gut churned, and his blood boiled. Fuck Marlena. Fuck John, and fuck his whole fucking family. They’d never loved him, not enough to matter, and certainly not enough to stop the downward spiral of his life. He turned on his heel, heading towards the back exit of the house. He needed a drink, and he wasn’t in the mood to see any of their faces. He hated them all. The rain was already pouring when he stepped out into it slamming the door behind him.

Sami and Eric came out of the shadows, and stared with wide eyes at the door their father had just exited from. When their Mama and Aunt Kim asked what happened, Eric whispered, “Dad left.”

It was at that moment that Marlena knew what Roman had overheard. He knew about the baby she was having with John. She could run after him, and try to placate him, but it wouldn’t change anything. She couldn’t give him what he wanted. None of them could, and whether he found out about the baby that way, or another, his reaction would have been the same. She glanced at Kim with sad eyes, “He knows.”

“I’ll call Bo and Abe to go look for him,” Kim replied quietly. “He’s probably just going to head to the Cheatin’ Heart, and get drunk.”

John entered the hallway with Phillip standing behind him. Kim and Marlena didn’t need to tell him what had happened, he could read it all in Marlena’s soft hazel eyes. Roman had left the house the same way he’d lived his life for the last year and a half – having a temper tantrum. Marlena was sad, Kim was scared, and the children were vulnerable. He needed to make this right, and lighten the mood. He had to take care of his family, and that included Kimmy. He pasted a smile on his face, and then rushed forward to scoop up Sami and Eric with a gentle growl. “Are you two ready to head home? I think my sister here looks like she needs a break.”

Kim looked at John quickly, her eyes filling with tears as she replied, “I think you’re right, big brother.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(Be my, be my baby)

Be my little baby

(My one and only baby)

Say you’ll be my darling

(Be me, be my baby)

Be my baby now

(My one and only baby)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG:  Be My Baby – Snow Hill

Chapter 41 – Something Just Like This

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve been reading books of old

The legends and the myths

Achilles and his gold

Hercules and his gifts

Spider-Man’s control

And Batman with his fists

And clearly, I don’t see myself upon that list

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As they prepared dinner Marlena knew that Sami and Eric were watching them intently. John knew it too, and yet he did nothing to hide his feelings for her. They had agreed to tell the twins about the baby and their love for each other after dinner, but as John moved around the kitchen he would allow his palm to slide across Marlena’s hip, or he would lean close as he whispered a question. 

Sami watched it all with rapt attention. Her Papa went up behind her mother, and slipped his arm around her waist, holding her gently. That’s what Sami wanted. She wanted a family like they had on television. She wanted a mom and a dad that laughed together, and a family that went on vacations, and played sports. She wanted what she saw before her. She had some memories that were faded from before her mom was thought to be dead. She’d kept those memories deep in her heart and sometimes her Papa had talked about Marlena with her. Sami had always liked the way his face had gone soft when he showed them photographs, or allowed Sami to smell her mothers perfume. That’s what she saw then. Her Papa with his arm around her mother, and the soft way his face looked.

John leaned against Marlena, boxing her in where she stood near the kitchen island slicing tomato for a Caprese salad. “The garlic bread is done. I just pulled it out of the oven. The lasagna needs a few more minutes for the cheese to brown. I turned up the heat.”

Marlena turned her face to his. He was so close she could feel his moist breath on her skin. She couldn’t help gazing at his mouth for a split second before she glanced back down at the task at hand. “Thank you.”

John breathed her in. He needed a moment with her, so he said distractedly, “Sami. Eric. Go get washed up for dinner, and then come back and help me set the table.” Sami gave them another curious glance, but then she took off towards the bathroom with Eric following behind her.

“They know something is different,” Marlena whispered, allowing her head to fall back onto his shoulder. John leaned in, softly kissing her waiting mouth. She moaned quietly, “You taste so good.”

His abdomen clenched while his arm tightened around her. Feeling the barely there curve of her stomach, his hand splayed wide as he asked her, “Are you ready for this?”

She couldn’t help but smile. “I’m ready. As soon as Kim suggested the possibility of being pregnant, even though I denied it at first, I knew I wanted more than anything to have your baby.”

“You’re having Papa’s baby?” Eric and Sami stood at the end of the kitchen island watching them with curious eyes. Making sure they heard him, Eric asked again, “A baby?”

Sami’s eyes got even wider, if that was possible, and her voice squeaked, “A baby?”

Marlena knew she had to say something. She usually didn’t find herself speechless, but they’d caught her off guard. Clearing her throat, she gave one last quick glance at John and then disengaged herself as he stepped away from her. “Why don’t we set the table for dinner and then I can answer all of your questions… but, yes, your Papa and I are having a baby.”

Eric wasn’t so easily put off. He watched his Papa putting garlic bread on a plate and he stared at his Mama. “Do you love each other? Because you make a baby when you’re in love. That’s what Carrie said when Papa made a baby with Isabella.”

John sat the plate of garlic bread on the table, and then he knelt down in front of Eric. “I love your mother very much.”

Sami came to stand next to him staring at him intently. “Are you gonna marry her and be our Daddy again?”

Marlena stood frozen with the Caprese salad in her hands. John turned to look at Sami, touching her small cheek gently. He wouldn’t lie to her. “I want nothing more than to marry your mother and make us all a family again… but Roman is your father. He’s your Daddy, but I will always be your Papa.”

“Always?” Sami asked. “‘Cause sometimes I get scared that you’re gonna say bye again and… and maybe when I wake up you’re gonna be gone.”

She was breaking his heart. He’d had no idea that something so heavy weighed on her. John whispered softly, “I promise, Peanut. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to marry your mother, Brady is going to be your little brother, and in a few months… you’re going to have another little brother or sister.”

Eric approached Marlena and reached for the plate she held. Carefully he put it on the table and then touched her stomach. Staring where his hand rested he asked, “There’s a baby in there?”

Tears pricked Marlena’s eyes as she nodded in affirmation. “There is.”

Eric fell against her, wrapping his arms around her middle tightly. “I’m glad! I’m glad you fell in love and made a baby, because now we don’t hafta leave and Brady can be our brother–”

“ –I already told my friends he was our brother, but now it can be for real,” Sami said excitedly. She bounced on her heels. “When he comes home from Victor’s, I’m gonna tell him! And then he can call you Mama for real!”

Suddenly Eric looked at John with a very serious expression, “Did you ask my Mom to marry you?”

John thought back to the other night. Her body underneath his, pressed against the punching bag as he’d asked her to marry him. He glanced over to see Marlena blushing. She was obviously remembering the exact moment he’d ask her as well. He swallowed thickly, “I did.”

Eric took his role very seriously, “When? When did you ask her?”

“Did you get down on one knee?” Sami asked with wide eyes. It was very romantic when the boy got down on one knee. “Like in the movies?”

Marlena walked back towards the kitchen and grabbed the pot of spaghetti. When John had asked her to marry him, he’d been hot, and sweaty, and buried so deeply in her body she’d been on the verge of coming. She shook her head lightly. She needed to focus on the current conversation.

“Well not exactly.” John had the good sense to look chagrined while not offering up an explanation.

“Did you get a ring?” Eric asked.

“I plan to,” John said. “Maybe you two would like to help me pick it out?”

Marlena came back to her senses when she heard that. Dropping the spaghetti pot heavily onto the table, she tried to say, “John, I don’t need–” 

“ –as a matter of fact. I think we should go shopping tomorrow and let your mother relax in the afternoon. What do you think?” He stood up and then pulled a chair out for Sami. 

She smiled up at him adoringly. “We’re gonna help you pick it out? Is it gonna be a diamond? ‘Cause in the movies the boy gets down on one knee and he has a diamond ring.”

Marlena tried to speak, “John–”

“ –a big diamond,” he told Sami, scotting her chair in and ignoring Marlena’s gasp.

“I don’t need a diamond!” Marlena cried out in exasperation. 

He reached for Marlena, pulling her up against his side, and he said with a wide grin, “You’re getting a diamond, baby! A big diamond!” Sami and Eric couldn’t help smiling as their mother buried her face in their Papa’s neck.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But she said

“Where’d you wanna go?

How much you wanna risk?

I’m not looking for somebody

With some superhuman gifts

Some superhero

Some fairytale bliss

Just want something I can turn to

Somebody I can kiss

I want something like this”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The twins were asleep and John was in the shower when Bo called. Bo wasn’t sure what to say or how to even say it. All he knew was that Marlena needed to know what had happened because Salem wasn’t a large city and Roman’s antics would be known by the whole town by morning. “Marlena, it’s Bo. Look, I didn’t want to have to call you about this, but Shawn D’s asleep and I just got the call from Abe, and I thought you needed to know… Roman was just arrested over at the Cheatin’ Heart. He got drunk and tore the place up.”

She gasped softly before she said, “I think he overheard Kim and I talking at her house, he, um…” Marlena wasn’t sure what else to say. She and John had just found out about the pregnancy and they hadn’t had time to tell the family. “John and I… well, I’m pregnant, and I think Roman heard Kim and I discussing it.”

“He did, and he didn’t take it well. I’m not blaming you. In fact none of this is your fault. Roman continues to blame everyone around him. I’m only calling because he was saying some things about you while he was there.” Bo paused, unsure of how to continue, but Marlena already knew the kind of things Roman was likely saying. “Abe has him in the drunk tank down at the station, and he’s going to be charged because he destroyed a lot of property. He won’t be bothering you tonight, but I wanted you to know, because he’ll be released tomorrow, and the things he said–”

“ –you don’t have to tell me,” she said softly. After her interaction with Roman at the house that day she’d packed her things and moved out, she didn’t need to hear what Roman had been saying while drunk. Bo was right though. The people that frequented the Cheatin’ Heart would have no qualms sharing what Roman had done or said with anyone who would listen. “I’m sure I’ll hear it all soon enough… or at least an edited version.”

John exited the bathroom to hear the last part of what Marlena was saying, and he stopped, staring at her with a curious look. He knew immediately that Roman’s abrupt departure from Kim’s house earlier had something to do with the call. He watched Marlena hang the telephone up, and then look at him with a bewildered expression. “Something with Roman?” he asked.

Marlena gave him a wry smirk, “How could you tell?”

John shrugged, reaching for her. He wrapped her up in his embrace, saying softly, “I don’t know. I just assumed, because of the way he stormed out of Kim’s house earlier.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh, I want something just like this

I want something just like this

I’ve been reading books of old

The legends and the myths

The testaments they told

The moon and its eclipse

And superman unrolls

A suit before he lifts

But I’m not the kind of person that it fits

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carrie shrugged out of her jacket, “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to dinner. Sean called in sick, and they asked me to stay. I need the money, and pulling a double shift isn’t that hard when I don’t have an early class the next day.”

“Are you hungry, Punkin’? I could heat up some leftovers?” John asked her.

Carrie’s eyes got big. She was starving. 

Marlena laughed, “I’ll do it.”

Carrie settled herself on a stool by the island, “I wish I’d gotten a chance to see the Twinners before they went to bed. I feel like all I do is work and go to school lately.”

John came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, kissing her on the cheek. “You know, Carrie… you have the trust fund money.”

“I know,” she said slowly. “But, I’d feel weird if I didn’t work–”

“ –what I am saying is that you don’t have to work so hard.” He sat down next to her and watched her with intent blue eyes. “You don’t have to work yourself into the ground.”

“Dad, I watched you do it for years,” she replied. Immediately she realized that she’d called him Dad, and she got very quiet.

He saw her face and realized her mistake. Brushing her hair back off of her shoulder, he said quietly, “Don’t worry about it Punkin’. Do you want something to drink?”

“What flavor of Kool-Aid do you have this week? Is it grape again?” she asked.

“What is it with these children and Kool-Aid?” Marlena wanted to know.

“Kool-Aid is an easy solution for hydration for the single father, Doc.” John rounded behind Marlena, sliding his hand over her hip. His eyes lifted and he realized Carrie was watching them with a raised eyebrow. “Fruit and sugar flavored water.”

Carrie raised her forkful of spaghetti to her mouth, and just before she took a bite she asked, “So are you two going to tell why you called me over here? Although I can probably guess because you’ve been dancing around it for months.”

Marlena blushed, and then glanced over at John. “We weren’t sure how you would react.”

“I’ll be honest,” Carrie said after swallowing her food. “I was kinda angry at first… but not for the reasons you might think. I just don’t understand why the two of you came home from Mexico with Roman and Isabella. I mean… I guess I can kind of understand. Isabella was pregnant and you wanted to give Roman a chance at the life that was stolen from him, but you wanted to be with each other. Dad– John didn’t need to be married to her to be a good father to Brady, and Roman… well, he messed that up from the beginning.”

John wanted to deny what Carrie was saying. He’d loved Isabella. But hadn’t he said as much to Marlena one night on the back porch? That if Isabella hadn’t died of cancer, he would have continued to be drawn to Marlena. He had to admit that to himself if he was going to move on with his life.

Marlena started to argue, “No, Carrie, that’s–”

Placing his hand on Marlena’s arm, John stopped her. “She’s right, Doc, and maybe she’s the only one willing to admit it out loud. I think Isabella probably felt it too. It’s always been you and me. We’re end game… no matter how we get there. It’s always been you and me.”

Carrie scraped the bottom of her bowl with the last of her garlic bread and popped it in her mouth. After a few seconds of chewing, she swallowed it down, and then glanced between them. “So? When’s the wedding?”

“Well… about that,” John hedged. “It might be a longer wait than we would like. Your father is fighting the divorce since Marlena changed her filing to full custody.”

“Full custody?” Carrie asked. That was a surprise.

John pushed his hands through his hair. “Do you remember when Eric fell down the stairs?”

Carrie felt that they were about to tell her something she didn’t want to know. “When Marlena was in the hospital?”

“It was more than a simple fall down the stairs,” Marlena told her softly. “There was a scuffle… between Roman and the children. He grabbed Sami, and Eric tried to protect her. In the process of that Roman inadvertently shoved Eric away from him, and that’s how he fell.”

“They lied,” Carrie whispered. “Why would they lie?” Even as she asked them, she knew the answer. Before Marlena could answer, Carrie said, “He made them lie?”

“He weaponized their love for their mother,” John told her flat out. He wasn’t going to try and lighten the weight of what Roman had done. “They lied because they thought they were protecting Marlena.”

Marlena looked at John with pleading eyes. She didn’t want to burden Carrie with the heaviness of what Roman had done. “John, please…”

“No!” Carrie said quickly standing up. “No! Dad promised to tell me the truth, and this is the truth isn’t it?”

“It’s the truth,” John said softly.

Wiping at her eyes, she told them, “If it’s the truth, I want to know. Is there anything else?”

Without conscious thought Marlena’s hand went to her gently rounded abdomen. “We’re pregnant… I’m due in November.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She said

“Where’d you wanna go?

How much you wanna risk?

I’m not looking for somebody

With some superhuman gifts

Some superhero

Some fairytale bliss

Just something I can turn to

Somebody I can miss

I want something just like this”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John exited the bathroom and came to a sudden halt. Marlena stood in front of the full length mirror completely nude except for a pair of soft cotton panties. She was absolutely beautiful. Her hair hung around her shoulder in damp curls, and her breasts hung heavy, tipped with rose colored nipples. He groaned softly watching the way her hands cupped her abdomen. Her eyes met his in the mirror, and she whispered, “It seems so obvious now. I still can’t believe I missed this.”

“Brady will be a year and a half old when you have the baby. It will be almost like having twins again,” he said softly. 

“When I think about this child… it warms me up inside. I’m so in love with her already.” She stared at her changing body still in awe that she’d missed all of the signs. “Just knowing that she’s ours. That we made her from the deepest, most sincere parts of ourselves… John…” She turned to face him, saying, “She’s ours. Ours.”

Glancing in the mirror, he saw the red lines from the scratches he’d made in her skin the evening before. Their love making had been intense, the coming together of two stars in a collision of fire. John stepped closer, paying close attention to the scratches and bruises that riddled her skin. What had turned him on that morning left him feeling guilt ridden as he stood there. “I was too rough with you last night.”

“No,” she told him. Marlena slid her palm up his bare abdomen, and then reached for the towel fastened at his waist with the other. “No. You are never too rough for me. Last night you gave me exactly what I wanted. You gave me all of you, rough and with that slight slice of pain that pushes me right over the edge.”

He moaned softly, feeling the scratch of her fingernails over his peaked nipples. “G-d woman… that feels so good.”

“Don’t ever regret loving me exactly the way I want it,” she whispered. Kissing his chest gently, she said, “Last night I wanted you to fuck me… tonight I want you to make love to me.”

He snickered quietly, “I think tonight we might need to lay off and allow your body to rest.”

“I think,” she said barely above a whisper, “tonight you had better give me what I want.” Her hand pulled his towel free, releasing it to fall onto the floor with a soft whoosh.

“And what do you want?” he teased.

Marlena’s hand wrapped around his rapidly lengthening cock, and she allowed her palm to slide along his length in a slow and languid manner. Innocently she asked, “You don’t know?”

“I don’t want to assume,” he rasped out.

Marlena sank to her knees in front of him, scraping her fingernails along his hips. Her tongue lapped over the tip of his cock, and she whispered, “Let me show you.”

John’s knees nearly gave out when her hot, moist mouth engulfed him in one soft glide. His fingers slid into her silken hair, gripping it in his fists as his head fell back, and he groaned deeply, “Awww, fuck!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I want something just like this

Oh, I want something just like this…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John was startled awake when he felt the bed jostle only to open his eyes and find Sami climbing into bed between him and Marlena. He couldn’t help smiling and thinking that she was still his little girl. Even though it had been years since she’d done this, it wasn’t unfamiliar to either of them. He wrapped his arm around her, and pulled her close breathing in the scent of Suave Coconut body wash and Johnson’s baby shampoo. “Hey, Peanut. Are you okay?”

“I had a bad dream,” she whispered. “I got scared and I know you’re not my Daddy anymore, you’re my Papa… but I got scared and I…” Sami got quiet for a moment, and then she said, “I just wanted to.”

“It’s fine. Bad dreams are scary. Sometimes I have them. Sometimes your Mama has them too,” he told her.

“I dreamed my other Daddy took me away.” Sami buried her face in John’s neck, allowing herself to smell the smell that was so uniquely her father. Her feelings were overwhelming and she thought maybe she might be too big to get scared of bad dreams. Trying to think of something else to say, she reached out, rubbing her small hand over his chest. “How come you’re so hairy?”

John couldn’t help the short laugh that rumbled in his chest. “Some guys are just hairy.”

Sami was quiet for a moment and then said innocently, “My other Daddy isn’t hairy and I think that’s weird, cause I thought all Daddy’s were hairy.”

John didn’t say anything. It was just another thing that struck him as an obvious difference between him and Roman. He wouldn’t question it. He’d recently come to understand that Marlena accepting him as Roman, and him believing he was Roman, had more to do with the fact that they were already in love than anything else. Him being Roman Brady certainly made things easier than it would have been had they continued to think he was Stefano.

Sami got very quiet, and her breathing started to even out. John knew she was already falling back to sleep. In a sleep slurred voice she whispered, “I love you, Daddy.” She’d forgotten that he was Papa, but he wasn’t going to correct her. The moment felt too perfect.

John whispered, “I love you too, Peanut.” 

He barely heard her next words as she drifted off. “I’m glad you’re gonna be my daddy again.” 

He laid there staring at the ceiling with his daughter tucked against him, and he felt a tear drip from his eye just as Marlena rolled towards them and her soft hand slipped over his hip. “She loves you so.”

“G-d, Doc. I love her too. I love both of them so much,” he said roughly. He would wonder for the rest of his life how a man with no past had been lucky enough to find the family he had, and he would do whatever he needed to do to keep them. He may not be a superhero, but he felt like he’d finally found his fairytale.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Where’d you wanna go?

How much you wanna risk?

I’m not looking for somebody

With some superhuman gifts

Some superhero

Some fairytale bliss

Just something I can turn to

Somebody I can kiss

I want something just like this…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: Something Just Like This – The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

Chapter 42 – When I was Your Man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now

Our song on the radio, but it don’t sound the same

When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down

‘Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Bo stepped into the house bringing with him the heated air of early summer. Marlena smiled, “I wasn’t expecting to see you today!”

He opened his arms wide, giving her a big hug. “How are you and the baby feeling?”

“We’re doing well. John and I have our first doctor’s appointment tomorrow. We’re hoping to find out the baby’s gender, but I feel strongly that it’s a girl.” She stepped towards the kitchen, “Would you like something to drink? I have iced tea, lemonade or grape Kool-Aid?”

Bo couldn’t help laughing as he immediately thought of Sami. “Let me guess who’s choice that was?”

“I won’t even answer that,” she said, opening the refrigerator. She looked over at Bo waiting for him to answer her question about a beverage.

“I can’t stay. I just came to tell you, before you were blindsided, that Roman was at Ma and Pop’s house this morning.” He paused and then said with resignation, “He told them he’s taking a deep cover ISA assignment. I walked in on the tail end of the conversation–”

Marlena stared at him in shock, “ –he’s leaving?” Why should she be surprised? If she really considered it, she wasn’t. That’s what Roman did – he ran away when things got hard. He’d never put his family first, although he liked to say that he did. Even still, she asked, “He’s leaving the children?”

Bo sighed with frustration, “I don’t understand it. I don’t understand him! For seven years he was gone and he got it all back! He ruined his marriage to you, and now he’s essentially walking away from Carrie and the twins.” He threw his hands up and then said, “If Hope ever got a second chance, she wouldn’t fuck it up the way Roman has. She wouldn’t willingly walk away from our son the way Roman is walking away from his children.”

“Hope was an amazing woman,” Marlena said softly. “She wasn’t afraid of living a full life the way Roman seems to be.” She took Bo’s hand in hers, “I know you miss her.”

He sighed, “I think that’s why my relationship with Carly failed. She never had faith in me the way Hope did, but that’s a story for another day.” He dropped Marlena’s hand and then reached for the knob to open the front door. “He told Ma and Pop he’s leaving tonight.”

“Tonight? He hasn’t called! He’s leaving without saying goodbye? What about Carrie?” Marlena’s heart pounded and her blood pulsed. He couldn’t do this to Carrie again. Not after the last time.

“I tried to talk him out of it… but he’s feeling sorry for himself. There’s no explanation.”

“Because of the divorce… and the baby…” Her voice trailed off. Bo was right. Roman was running away. She snatched up her keys and purse, “I have to stop him! He can’t do this to them again. His stubborn pride will destroy his relationship with his children and he won’t be able to repair it this time.” Tears filled her eyes when she looked at Bo. “I can’t let him leave Eric and Sami when they will only remember him as angry and broken. I can’t let him make a mistake like that.”

Bo grinned widely, “That’s what I was hoping you’d say. Let’s go.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It all just sounds like

(Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)

Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize

That I should have bought you flowers

And held your hand

Should’ve gave you all my hours

When I had the chance

Take you to every party

‘Cause all you wanted to do was dance

Now my baby’s dancing

But she’s dancing with another man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Roman, are you sure you want to do this?” His lawyer, Diane, stared at him in surprise. He’d just handed her the divorce papers, which he signed giving his wife full custody of the children. A week earlier he’d been adamant that he would fight it in court. Now he was asking her to give the deed to the house to his wife as well. “You know that you can split the assets. She hasn’t asked for the house.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want it. Just sign the deed over to her. If she wants to sell the house that’s her business,” he said. Anything Marlena did from that point on wasn’t his concern. He’d had his chance and he’d blown it. He’d held out hope that they might reconcile until he’d overheard her conversation with his sister. A baby. She was having John Black’s baby. As much as Roman had struggled with Marlena’s past relationship with John, he’d hoped that by refusing to sign the divorce papers that maybe they could work it out. That was impossible with John’s child between them. He would never be able to accept that child. “How soon can you get it done? I’m leaving on assignment tonight.”

“The deed to the house will take a few days, but the divorce papers are legally binding as soon as her lawyer files them. You’re certain?” she asked. 

Regret washed over him, but he pushed it down violently. It was done. It was over. He’d lost. If he couldn’t have Marlena and his children, he sure as fuck wasn’t going to stick around and watch them live their life with John. “I’m sure,” he said. “Is there anything else I need to do, besides pay you?”

“No… no. That’s all there is… just let me get the bill together and you can pay my secretary on the way out.” She shook Roman’s hand, and watched him leave her office. It was a dramatic shift from the man who only a few days earlier said he would never give his children over to a murderer. She’d known of John Black when the people of Salem had believed he was Roman Brady. While not personally acquainted she knew enough to know that he’d been highly respected. She hardly believed he was a murder, and it was obvious, neither did Roman Brady. You didn’t leave your children with a murderer.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways

Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life

Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, oh

And that haunts me every time I close my eyes

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Bo, I told you to leave me the fuck alone–” Roman jerked his door open and stopped abruptly when he realized Marlena was there. She was beautiful as usual, and he never wanted to see her again. His eyes narrowed, “Why are you here, Doc?”

“I think we need to talk,” she said calmly, stepping into the house without an invitation.

Roman shot daggers at Bo, before turning his back on both of them. “Not much to talk about if you ask me. You and John get what you want. You get your beautiful, picture perfect life, and I sure as hell won’t be here to watch it.”

“Roman, you can’t do this,” Marlena pleaded. “You can’t leave Carrie like this. You can’t leave the twins!” 

“Oh, I think Carrie and the twins will be just fine, Doc! Afterall, they’ve got John in their lives and he’s apparently a much better father than I ever was!” Roman looked at her with fierce eyes, and he said, “You never wanted me. You never even wanted to try to make our marriage work. From the beginning you were hung up on John–”

“ –that’s unfair, Roman! I needed time, and I never lied to you about that!” She tried to get him to understand, “We both made mistakes. I’m not denying that, but you can’t leave Salem for G-d knows how long and allow your relationships with the children to stay fractured the way it is. You simply can’t do that!”

Roman glanced around the nearly empty room. “I hate this house, Doc. I bought it for us! Us! We were going to start our lives together and raise our children here… but everytime I walk in here, I wonder where John has fucked you in this house.” Roman stared at her with smug satisfaction as she gasped in surprise, and stared at him with hurt eyes. He ran his finger over the back of the couch, “Did he do it here?”

“C’mon, Roman. Stop this shit and just listen to her will you?” Bo was done with his older brother’s crass words and self pitying attitude. “You can’t blame Marlena for believing that John was you. You can’t blame any of us! Stefano made sure that we all believed John was you.”

“Bullshit!” Roman roared. “Marlena was the one that brought him into the fold and insisted he was me! Marlena! All because she was already in love with him! Isn’t that right, Doc?”

“That’s not how it happened. It was… it was… we didn’t know!” she cried helplessly. “We didn’t know!”

“You didn’t know? You didn’t fucking know? More G-d damned lies, Doc! He’s taller than me. His hair is darker! His eyes are bluer… stop fucking lying to me!” Roman reached over, clearing the lamp off of the table behind the couch. The ceramic base shattered when it hit the floor. 

She was sobbing. Roman was twisting their lives, twisting her words. “You don’t understand–”

“ –John Black got what he wanted. He got my wife and my kids. Hell, I’ll even give him this house if he wants it, because my pride wouldn’t allow me to love you again. At least not the right way, and everytime I close my eyes I’m haunted with images of him making love to you in our bed!” He turned away from her and then stared at the empty mantle where their wine glasses had once sat. In a quieter voice he said, “You allowed John to destroy everything we had… and it’s too late. Now you’re pregnant with his baby…” Roman faced her with hate filled eyes, “I refuse to stay in Salem and watch you grow round with his child. It would be better if you lost it… because it never should have even been conceived. I won’t stay in Salem and watch my children call him Papa. I won’t watch Brady call you Mom, and I sure as fuck won’t watch you and John raise that fucking baby you’re carrying.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It all just sounds like

(Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh)

Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize

That I should have bought you flowers

And held your hand

Should’ve gave you all my hours

When I had the chance

Take you to every party

‘Cause all you wanted to do was dance

Now my baby’s dancing

But she’s dancing with another man

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John pushed the door to Denny’s Dugout open with a dull scrape across the floor, and he glanced around the smoky room. Roman was permanently barred from The Cheatin’ Heart, and down on the pier, Denny’s Dugout was the only place left. When John had gotten home, he’d found Marlena sobbing in their bedroom. Bo had called him at work and explained what happened. John had wanted nothing more than to go straight to Roman’s house and beat the shit out of him. He more than deserved it. Instead he’d gone home to check on the person who really mattered. 

Marlena was afraid that if Roman left town, his relationships with his children would be irreparably broken. They would be, and truthfully John could care less. He would be a better father to Carrie, Sami, and Eric than Roman would ever hope to be, but he also understood that Marlena didn’t want the children to lose the connection with their father. As John stared at Roman’s hunched back sitting at the bar nursing a beer, he thought that Roman was doing a damned good job of burning every single bridge he had. But he wasn’t there for Roman, he was there for Doc.

Crossing the room quickly, he said behind Roman, “We need to talk.”

Roman growled, “Get the fuck away from me, John.”

“You can’t do this, Roman. Not to Doc. Not to Sami and Eric… and please, don’t do this to Carrie.” He stared at Roman’s back for a moment, and then sat on the stool beside him, hoping he would listen.

“Well, they’ve got you now, don’t they, buddy? The great hero of Salem, John Black! Nobody knows what I know… that you’re really nothing more than a murderer for hire belonging to fucking Stefano DiMera.” Roman finished his lukewarm beer, and finally looked at John. “So, I’m thinking they’ll do just fine without me.”

“They will, because I’ll pick up all of the pieces and put them back together, but don’t you see that if you leave… you’re the one breaking them. You!” John was quiet for a moment. “Don’t do this to Doc.”

“Get out of my face,” Roman mumbled. He waved at the bartender, saying, “Another Guinness.”

“You’re a fucking coward,” John told him. “When you left Doc the first time the twins weren’t even a month old. She begged you not to go, but your fucking pride wouldn’t allow someone else to be the one to bring Stefano in… so you left her. See, you forget I have your memories, and there’s no hiding from the truth of that. I never understood it when I was you. I never understood why I would do something like that. At least finding out I wasn’t Roman Brady was a relief in the sense that I didn’t have to try and understand shit like that. I would never have left my family. Pride doesn’t rule me the same way it rules you.”  He stood up from the stool and glared down at Roman. “So you sit here and feel sorry for yourself… because you’re a coward. Leaving your family behind for the third time just because you can’t stand someone being a better man than you.”

Roman stood up so quickly that his stool fell back and the bar went silent as he roared, “Fuck you!”

“This town and your children will be better off without you,” John said, and then he turned to walk out of the bar.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Although it hurts

I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong

Oh, I know I’m probably much too late

To try and apologize for my mistakes

But I just want you to know

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was after midnight when the unmarked ISA car pulled up outside of Roman’s house. He glanced around at the space, bare of anything except furniture and he felt sick to his stomach. He’d fucked it all up. From the moment he’d found Marlena in San Cristobal he’d allowed his stubborn pride to make every decision. He ruled her through fear and intimidation reveling in her pain as a way of punishing her for loving John. He’d wondered recently if he’d thought that by doing so she would apologize and beg his forgiveness for her loving John. She hadn’t, and instead his anger had driven her straight back into John’s arms. It was possible that he deserved every bit of pain he was feeling. And yet, almost as soon as he thought it, he denied it. No, Marlena had never wanted him after Mexico. She’d pitied him, and because she couldn’t have John for herself she’d brought Roman home as a consolation prize. 

Sadness washed over him. That was how he’d lived for the last year and a half. In a cess pool of hatred and sadness. He took a deep breath, lifted his duffle bag onto his shoulder, and walked out of the house, locking the door behind him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I hope he buys you flowers

I hope he holds your hand

Gives you all his hours

When he has the chance

Take you to every party

“Cause I remember how much you loved to dance

Do all the things I should’ve done

When I was your man…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: When I Was Your Man – Bruno Mars

Chapter 43 – You’re Still the One

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Looks like we made it

Look how far we’ve come, my baby

We might’ve took the long way

We knew we’d get there some day

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

John parked his Jeep in the driveway of the house on Sycamore. He hadn’t been there since helping Marlena move out months earlier, but he’d suspected Carrie was there after she’d rushed out of the pub when she’d found out Roman had left Salem without bothering to say goodbye. Glancing over at her car, he knew he’d been correct. He knew the house was locked up, so he walked around to the back yard, waving at Alice Horton as he went.

She waved back and then pointed towards the treehouse John had built nearly six years earlier in the oak tree. He nodded and then unlatched the gate. He couldn’t help but smile. There were so many good memories in this place. Carrie and Jaimie’s sleepovers, Sami forcing Eric into playing Barbie and having tea parties, and Eric’s Cub Scout troop campouts. John wasn’t surprised that when Carrie was suffering the most, she would return to the place she felt the safest. 

He reached for the ladder and started to climb, saying to Carrie, “Hey, Punkin, I’m coming up.”

“Go away! I don’t want to see anyone,” Carrie cried. “Just leave me alone.”

“You know I’m not going to do that, Punkin’, so I’m coming up anyway,” he told her.

“Oh, G-d!” When he poked his head in she stared up at him with swollen teary eyes, and then quickly buried her face in her arms, which she had wrapped around her knees. It was a bittersweet moment for John realizing that she barely fit in there anymore. “I just need to be left alone!”

John pulled himself into the small space, and settled beside her, saying softly, “I think we both know that’s not what you need right now.”

Carrie started crying harder. Why couldn’t John be her father? He never gave up on her, and he’d never abandoned her. “I hate him,” she whispered.

“I imagine what you’re feeling right now does feel an awful lot like hate, but if there is one thing Marlena taught me it’s that emotions aren’t always that straight forward.” He bumped Carrie gently with his shoulder, “You want to talk about it?”

She said quietly with her face still buried in her arms, “Why did he have to come back?” She lifted her head and stared at John with blurry eyes, “Why did he insist on coming back and turn our lives upside down just to leave us again? It doesn’t make any sense? Why make me love him and then do this?”

John didn’t have the answers that Carrie needed. He had Roman’s memories, and he had a strong feeling about the causes for Roman leaving. Pride. Sadness. Shame. Loss. But John knew it wasn’t his place to assign emotions to Roman’s actions.

“Everything was perfect,” she said, leaning into him and resting her head on his shoulder. “Our lives would have been perfect… if he had stayed gone.”

“Carrie…” John said softly. “You don’t mean that. You’re hurt.”

“I do mean it,” she said. “I do. This pain… it isn’t worth it. It’s not worth it that he forced his way back into our lives… that he hurt Sami and Eric, and cheated on Marlena… only to run away because he can’t face being an adult.”

She was right, and John couldn’t find a defense for Roman. 

“Dad?” Carrie asked.

He replied quietly, “Yeah, Punkin’?”

“Can I sleep at your house tonight?” She rubbed her face on his shoulder, sniffing to try and stop her tears. He smelled like home. He smelled like her childhood. He was her Dad.

“There is always a place for you in our home,” he whispered. “You will always be my Punkin girl.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They said, “I bet they’ll never make it”

But just look at us holdin’ on

We’re still together, still goin’ strong

(Still the one)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Hey unca Bo?” Sami asked as she watched him pour her a cup of grape Kool-Aid. 

“Yeah?” He stowed the pitcher back in the refrigerator and handed her the cup. Eric and Shawn D were on the back porch playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figurines and Sami had been following him around all morning asking questions. He’d been roped in for watching the kids while John went after Carrie and Marlena attended what they hoped would be Kim’s last court date.

Sami was quiet for a moment, and then she looked down at her cup, whispering, “Is it bad that I’m glad my dad is gone?”

Shit. Why did he get the hard questions? He really wished that John or Marlena could be there to answer her. With a soft sigh, Bo said, “Your father hurt some people, and he should apologize for that. I understand why you might be angry.”

“He made Mama sad, and he made Papa leave us… “ Sami asked him quietly, “Does that make me bad?”

“No… no, Sami. I think that makes you human.” He reached for her cup, setting it on the kitchen island, and then he lifted her so that she could sit at eye level. “You know when we were kids, your dad was a good big brother. He protected me, and he wasn’t…  so broken.”

“But Stefano DiMera hurt him,” Sami said softly. “That’s what Papa said.”

John was a good man. Even in his rage at Roman he’d tried to protect Roman’s image in the eyes of his children. Bo reached out and ruffled her hair. “Your Papa is a smart man.”

“He’s the smartest man in Salem,” she beamed. 

“The smartest man in Salem? What about your Uncle Bo?” he laughed. 

Sami considered him for a second and then said, “You can be the second smartest man in Salem.”

“Here’s the thing, kiddo. While your Dad’s out in the world trying to figure himself out, I was wondering if it was okay that your Papa and I be your dads?”

Sami laughed, “That’s weird! So Shawn D is my cousin and my brother?”

“Eh,” Bo told her with a shrug. “Who cares? We’ll all take care of you and Eric. Your Mom, John, me… we will all watch out for you because that’s what family does.”

Sami smiled at Bo, and then hopped down  from where she sat. She did feel safer after talking to her Uncle, but inside there was still a little sadness. Maybe her Dad didn’t really understand what family was supposed to do, because he’d left them all behind.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You’re still the one I want for life

(Still the one)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The Judge exited her chambers, and sat down looking over the court. There were far fewer people in attendance at this hearing than with the previous ones. Kim sat with Mickey, Marlena and Phillip. Rebecca Morrison represented Salem and the DA’s office. “I have had time to review Dr. Evan’s findings and feel there is enough evidence to release Kimberly Brady into her fiance’s care for further treatment in California. All charges will be expunged from her record in six months time–”

Rebecca stood up abruptly, “ –Your Honor, I have to object!”

“One more outburst from you Ms. Morrison and I will hold you in contempt! I already believe that you are far too personally invested in this case, and I have a mind to have you investigated for not excusing yourself to begin with!” The judge watched Rebecca sit back down, and then she continued, “Mr. Collier, you understand that Ms. Brady must continue treatment in California?”

“Yes, You Honor,” Phillip said quickly. “I understand. I already have doctors lined up.”

Kim glanced over at Marlena. It was happening. She was going to be able to get her life back. Marlena took her hand and gave it a small squeeze. 

The judge gave Rebecca a hard stare, “As I was saying, in six months time, if Ms. Brady is still making excellent progress, you will follow up with the Los Angeles Superior Court and then the case will be officially over.” The disgust on Rebecca’s face was obvious but the judge said nothing to her. The woman was atrocious and she wanted to clear her from her courtroom. “Dr. Evans, I would like to commend you for your due diligence and your love of family. It shows a dedication that I don’t often see.”

“Thank you, Your Honor.” Marlena, Phillip, Mickey, and Kim waited until the judge had left the courtroom to shout out their glee.

“We did it! We did it!” Mickey said, reaching for Kim and pulling her into a hug.

“I was so scared,” Kim said. She glanced at the three people who had been her rocks over the last few months and she said, “I don’t know if I would have survived this without you!”

“All I wanted was for you to be treated fairly,” Marlena told her. She wiped the tears from Kim’s cheeks. “We’re sisters. No matter what.”

Rebecca watched it all with a look of derision as she stuffed her files back into her briefcase. Losing a case was always difficult. She was incredibly competitive and she didn’t like losing anything. That included John Black. Kim and Phillip started to leave the courtroom, followed by Mickey, but it was when Marlena turned that Rebecca realized the other woman was pregnant. Already reeling from her loss, Rebecca said snidely, “So that’s how you got your hooks back into John.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re still the one that I love

The only one I dream of

You’re still the one I kiss goodnight

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Turning quickly, Marlena said, “Excuse me?”

Mickey stopped in the shadows near the courtroom doors feeling as if he needed to witness whatever nastiness Rebecca seemed about to deliver.

“I didn’t even have a chance, did I?” Rebecca told Marlena, stepping closer. She glanced down at Marlena’s abdomen. She was obviously pregnant. “Is it Roman’s? Or did you run straight into John’s bed, and get pregnant the first night?”

“I understand that losing is difficult for you, Rebecca. In court and in your personal life, but the way you’ve allowed that to bleed into this case is reprehensible.” Marlena was silent for a moment before she said, “You were willing to destroy Kimberly’s life… take her from her family and her children… because you have a grudge against me?”

Rebecca seemed taken aback, “That’s not true. I-I was just doing my job!”

She wasn’t going to argue with Rebecca. “You and I both know that’s not true.” 

She turned to walk away, and heard Rebecca say, “Marlena Evans, Salem’s Princess, you probably have no idea who the father is.”

Marlena spun on her heel, smacking Rebecca across the face so loudly it echoed in the empty room. Staring at the other woman, she seemed surprised at her own actions. “I know who my child’s father is. What you might want to do is stop hanging onto a man who obviously has no interest in you.”

“I could press charges for assault,” Rebecca said quietly, touching her face where the pain radiated.

“But you won’t,” Marlena replied. “You wouldn’t want half of Salem to find out how desperate you are.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ain’t nothin’ better

We beat the odds together

I’m glad we didn’t listen

Look at what we would be missin’

They said “I bet they’ll never make it”

But just look at us holdin’ on

We’re still together, still goin’ strong

(Still the one)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sami pulled her mother along behind her through the house giggling the whole way. She’d been waiting at the bay window and running back and forth to the backyard for over an hour. Eric reached for Marlena’s other hand, saying excitedly, “Papa and Brady are waiting in the backyard.”

“What are we doing in the backyard?” Marlena had gotten back from the courthouse more tired than she’d expected to be. What she wanted was for Rebecca Morrison to pack up and leave Salem the same way Roman and Taylor had. As angry as she was at Roman, it was a relief to know that she didn’t have to worry about arguments and unexpected encounters. It was the same with Taylor McCall. Marlena had run into her once at the station after she’d discovered Roman and Taylor at the house. Taylor had attempted an awkward apology, but Marlena had walked away. Some apologies weren’t meant to be accepted. That was one of them. 

It would be a huge boon to not have to encounter Rebecca at every unexpected turn, but Marlena had a feeling Rebecca would stay simply to be spiteful. Smacking Rebecca earlier wasn’t something Marlena would normally do. It was definitely emotionally reactive. As she’d left the courtroom she’d seen Mickey’s surprised eyes. She was surprised as well, but he’d gently slipped his arm around her shoulders, saying quietly, “Let me walk you to your car.”

Marlena stepped into the backyard just as the sun slipped lower in the sky. She could make out the fireflies starting to emerge, and the air was thick with the scent of lilacs. Off to the left, under the large maple tree, John had spread out a blanket. Brady sat in the middle next to a picnic basket, and there were fairy lights strung on poles. Gasping softly, her hand went to her chest as she exclaimed in awe, “Oh! What is this about?”

“It’s a surprise!” Sami said excitedly, bouncing as she walked.

Eric smiled up at his mom, feeling that wobbly emotional feeling he got sometimes. His mother smiled down at him asking, “And what do you know about this?”

“I’m not allowed to say. Papa said it’s a secret,” Eric replied shyly. “It’s a good secret and not a bad secret.”

John stepped out from behind the tree in a clean pair of jeans and a navy colored polo shirt. His hair was freshly cut, cropped close to his neck, and she could tell that he’d just shaved. He probably smelled amazing too. As she came closer, Brady started to bounce, and then stood up on wobbly feet. Marlena looked at him with a smile. Her son. That’s what he’d become to her over the last few months. He started to toddle towards her. “Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma…”

John watched it all with a heart swollen full of love. His family, his children, and the woman who was going to be his wife. Roman’s choices didn’t matter anymore. He could be gone for months or he could be gone for years. Marlena and the children couldn’t continue to live their lives at Roman’s whim. They were going to move on and they were going to find joy in each other. They wouldn’t feel guilty about that.

Marlena knelt down and caught Brady as he fell into her arms, “Oh! My sweet boy! My sweet, sweet boy!”

Stepping closer, John smiled at Sami and Eric, and then he said to Marlena, “You know, Doc. I know you already said you’d marry me, but I’d like to make it official.”

She blinked up at him in surprise, and then sat Brady back down, slowly standing up to stare at John with wide hazel eyes. “What?”

“Now, Sami and Eric have some ideas about how this needs to be done,” he said with a teasing grin. “And I’m of the mind to think they’re right.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small black velvet box. Kneeling down he said, “Samantha Gene says I’ve got to get down on one knee–”

“ –cause that’s how they do it in the movies!” Sami said excitedly.

“And Eric says, I have to have a diamond ring,” John told Marlena softly, opening the small box in his hand. “So, in the presence of the people I love most in the world, I’m asking if you, Marlena Evans will marry me? Will you spend your life with me? Will you laugh with me, and cry with me? Will you raise our family together and argue with me in the best and most furious and stubborn ways… will you be my wife and my best friend?”

Sami was bouncing from toe to toe. “Say yes, Mama!”

Eric watched it all silently, overcome with his own emotions. His mother wiped her tears from her face, and then she whispered so quietly he could barely hear it, “Yes, John. Yes… I’ll marry you.”

John stood up, reaching for Marlena’s hand, and he slid the antique filigree diamond ring onto her finger. He leaned closer, whispering in her ear, “You’ve just made me the happiest man in the world.”

Sami wrapped her arms around her mothers hips, hugging her tightly. She was immediately followed by Eric, and not to be outdone, John picked up a screaming Brady. They stood together, wrapped up in each other’s arms in the fading orange light of the day for several moments, and Marlena felt like there had never been a more perfect moment in her life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You’re still the one I want for life

(Still the one)

You’re still the one I love

The only one I dream of

You’re still the one I kiss goodnight

Still the one

Still the one

Yeah (still the one)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

June 2002

“John, honey? Do you have the diaper bag?” Marlena called up the stairs. The house was in chaos and they were running late. 

She heard his footsteps on the stairs and heard his voice before she saw him. “I’ve got it! I threw in a couple extra diapers and grabbed Frankie’s blankie too.”

“Oh, thank goodness. I don’t know why he’s so attached to those things, but he is.” Marlena wanted to laugh as she thought about the single layer birdseye weave cloth diapers she’d used for burp rags with the children. Frankie’s attachment to them seemed irrational, but allowing him to rub one on his face when he was overwhelmed seemed to help and the last thing they needed during Sami and Eric’s graduation was a toddler having a meltdown. “Did you also grab Annie’s elephant?”

“I did,” he told her, leaning forward to kiss her cheek softly. 

“Eric and Sami have left already. Carrie is meeting us there. Her flight came in about an hour ago. Bo, Ma, Pop… and everyone else should be on the way to the convention center. I had Brady and Bella help me get Annie and Frankie in the van.” Marlena took a deep breath. Her pregnancy with Frankie and Annie  two years earlier had been quite the shock. “I’m still surprised sometimes that we ended up starting over just as Eric and Sami were almost done. I did not expect to be having more babies at forty-eight years old.”

“They keep us young, baby.” John slid his arm around Marlena’s hip and pulled her closer, dropping the diaper bag on the floor near his feet. He kissed her neck softly.

“John,” she sighed quietly. “The kids are in the car… we have to go.”

He bit her skin gently, whispering, “This will be continued later.”

“Is that a promise?” she asked. 

“Oh, it’s a promise.” He gave her one more quick kiss on her lips, and then picked up the twins diaper bag again. 

Just as he opened the front door he saw Bella at the window. He stepped onto the porch, and Bella took off screaming towards the car, “They’re coming. You were right! They were kissing again!” Her dark hair blew out behind her in nearly black waves, and her blue eyes flashed. 

“Gross!” Brady grumbled as John slid into the driver’s seat. “Why are you two always kissing?”

“Someday, little man, you will fall in love with someone and want to kiss them all the time,” John laughed.

“I’m ten, Dad. Kissing is gross. I don’t wanna kiss anybody.” Brady settled back in his seat, and fastened his seatbelt, while Marlena smiled at her husband. Brady looked more and more like Isabella as he got older, but his personality was just like his fathers. He was strong, brave and kind. He was an amazing big brother. 

“I like kissing Mama,” Bella said with a shrug. “I like kissing Papa. That’s okay kisses, but I don’t want movie kisses. Brady’s right. Mushy, gushy, love kisses are gross.”

“I don’t think they’re so gross,” Marlena said with a laugh. “Maybe someday you won’t either.” She glanced back at Annie and Frankie, her gorgeous little surprises. Both of them had their fathers dark hair and blue eyes. They were perfect, and John was right, the twins kept them young. They were getting ready to send Sami and Eric off to different universities, and starting over at home. Her life was perfect. Reaching for John’s hand, Marlena whispered, “I quite like your kisses.”

He licked over his lips, still tasting her, and he said quietly, “To be continued.”

Brady pretended to stick his finger in his throat and made a gagging sound in the back of the van. Bella giggled, and Frankie yelled as loudly as he could, “Poop!”

Annie laughed, “Poop!”

Frankie smiled at his sister, “Poop!”

John squeezed Marlena’s hand as she groaned, “They cannot do this during the graduation ceremony.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You’re still the one I run to

The one that I belong to

You’re still the one I want for life

(Still the one)

You’re still the one I love

The only one I dream of

You’re still the one I kiss goodnight

I’m so glad we made it

Look how far we’ve come, my baby

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SONG: You’re Still the One – Teddy Swims