She watched as the snowflakes fell down from the darken sky, the white flurries falling all round, marking each bare spot on the ground. The city lights sparkled and danced as the snow fell and sprinkled the city in white powder. She stared out, somewhat in a daze, as her thoughts began to travel about the puzzle she threw herself into. It had been months since she asked for a divorce, the day she watched her soon to be ex-husband walk out the door and never return. He had tried to contact her by either calling her or trying to visit, but she had let Alex’s persuasion get the best of her. She’ll never forget the way John looked at her as she threw his keys at him and told him to leave. His face filled with agony and sorrow, his body with depression, as he leaned down to pick up his keys and then walked to the door, before turning around. She gave him a look a look of death as he smiled then turned around and walked out of her life. She bowed her head as she thought about the stupidity of the situation.
“How could I have listened to Alex…John is my husband, he needed me as well I do with him. What have I done?” She whispered as bit her lip, beginning to feel the tears burn her eyes. She stood there cross armed as she wondered if she should try and find him, ignoring the fact that Alex would try and stop her. She took a deep breath and wiped the tears that glistened down her cheeks as she cleared her throat and walked to the closet. She pulled out her long Black coat and slipped it on hurriedly. Alex came down the stairs as he began to wonder where she was going.
“Hey Marlena, Where are you going? There is going to be a storm here any minute now.”
She turned around and looked at him, debating on whether she should tell him the truth or not. Deciding against it, she smiled at him sweetly while placing on her gloves.
“I just need to take a walk, I won’t be long. Please make yourself comfortable, I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Well let me go with you…” Alex smiled as he walked to the closet as well.
“NO…I mean please, I just need to be alone. Thanks for the offer though…I’ll be back.” She smiled as she grabbed her purse and walked out the door, hitting the button for the elevator quickly. She knew he would try and follow her so she decided to take her car, knowing he wouldn’t have a clue where she went if she beat him to the car first. Soon she was in the garage as she raced to her car and quickly started it, pulling the gear in Drive and stepping heavily on the accelerator. The Mercedes zoomed out of the garage as she flew down the wet streets of Salem, making her way to the Salem Inn. She needed to find John, se loved him and no matter what, she was going to be with him. She pulled the car in to valet just in case Alex did try and look for her, he wouldn’t see her car parked on the side. She ran through the lobby as she asked the clerk where Kate Roberts room was. At first they hesitated but she quickly reassured them that she was her friend and it was an emergency. She ran to the elevator and hit the 15th button as the elevator climbed on up, while she leaned against the wall catching her breath. The ding sound snapped her from her thoughts as she raced to the door and knocked on it, hoping with everything John had been there. She continued to knock and after a few minutes, the realization of him not being there or preoccupied ran around her mind, nonstop. Images of him on top of Kate, pumping into her made her sick to her stomach. She placed a hand over her mouth as she took a deep breath, trying to control the nausea. She finally turned around and walked back to the elevator, making her way downstairs. The lobby was packed and loud, as she somberly walked the carpeted floor, weaving her way around all the guests that crowed the room. She stepped outside into the crisp air as she tightened her coat around her and decided to take a walk through the park. She needed to breathe and get away…she just needed to think and with Alex around, she couldn’t possibly do that.
She felt her body tense up from the cold as she walked through the park that hadn’t been lit very well. The only thing that helped her see was the moonlight above, gleaming down on the white snow that covered the path, brightening what would have been a usual dark park. She saw her breath as it danced along the cold air, twirling and floating. The wind blew as her hair began to dash through the freezing air, her cheeks and nose becoming bright red. The pain that slapped her body and face couldn’t even compare to the ache that her heart had, not even close. As she walked down the path, thoughts of John and Kate, invaded her brain, tormenting her endlessly. Her hot tears made their way through her eyes and down her cold cheeks, as she sniffed back her tears. She stopped along a fountain that had been drained, but icicles still hung from where the water used to be. She heard a laugh of a woman coming from the other side of the fountain and couldn’t really see who it was. She heard the laughter stop as she saw a woman and a man kiss before walking away. She watched them carefully, knowing that John and her used to be that way before, regardless of what Alex may say. She heard the sound of sniffs from behind the fountain and curiosity got the best of her. She walked over to the other side and saw a tall dark figure sitting at the edge of the fountain with his head bowed down. She walked a little closer to this person, drawn to them for some odd reason. As she got closer, the noise from her heal snatched the person’s attention as their glance turned towards Marlena.
There she stood in a long black coat, which was quickly being covered by the flurries that fell. Her hair waved and feathered, blew in the wind as the snow fell all around her like a dream. The moonlight bathed her as she stood there, white powder falling all around her, her face flushed from the cold, the most perfect creature God Ever Created. As I stand up from the cold concrete, she watches me closely, realizing who I am. Her hazel eyes sparkle and for a minute, I believe she is actually happy to see me. I bow my head unable to look at her, unable to handle the realization that I have been mistaken by what I thought I was happiness. And suddenly, I feel her slender hand touch me under my chin, encouraging me to look up. Afraid of rejection, I hesitate as I glance up, but then I see her smile, and the love in her eyes.
A cold breeze blows as I dip my head, trying to hide from the intense freeze, but also hiding my face from the pain of losing her. Her slender hand reaches once again under my chin as my gaze meets her, a happy and loving one. I stand there, confused yet curious as to why she is standing here, smiling. I search for words in my mind, debating on what and what not to say. She stares at me, almost as if she knows I’m trying to find the right words. My fingers tingle from the cold, numbness quickly taking over, the blood circulation long gone. I feel her gloved hand wrap over mine as she pulled me closer to her.
“John….we have to talk.” I hear her say in the most, gentle words I have ever heard. I know that what she has to say I can not possibly handle, not anymore as I shake my head from side to side.
“I don’t think there is anything to say…” I know that I am lying and all I want to do is take her in my arms and talk all night. The truth is I can’t bear to hear about how Alex is this and how he loves her. I hear her sigh as a soft laugh comes from her lips and her hand pulls mine to her chest.
“Yes there is John…something very important.” She smiles at me as I look at her, trying not to give my hopes up. I nod as she smiles, the most beautiful smile I have seen in a long time. I try not to get too excited but I can’t seem to help it, the love in her eyes tell me all I need to know. I feel my heart flutter for the first time in a very long time. My heart and soul swell with happiness and excitement, something I haven’t felt since she asked for a divorce. Something I thought I would never feel again. She reaches for my hand as she pulls it to her chest, smiling at me. I see the love she has for me, it glows throughout her whole face.
“Please John….we need to talk…I need to tell you something.” I hear her plea and I wonder if it is really what I want to hear. I manage to whisper my acceptance as she shivers and pulls her coat closer to her.
“Not here though…It is too cold to talk out here. Maybe we should go get a room at the hotel so we can talk in private?” She smiles as I simply nod, unable to speak. I feel her pull my arm as she begins to walk away. My feet move slowly as we walk through the darken park, nervous about what may be coming. The snow begins to get heavier as the wind becomes strong and fierce. We walk down the snow covered path, our bodies close, our hands intertwined, as we hurry out of the park and into the hotel lobby. We walk up to the counter as I request a suite while pulling out my credit card. Shortly after, we arrive to the top floor where I fumble with the key card. She stares at me as I try desperately to get the card to swipe and after a few seconds, I hear her laugh. She insists on helping me and then I feel her hand cover mine as it guides me to the slot, and slides it through, unlocking the door. I let her enter the room first as she begins to unbutton her long black coat while I stand by the closet fidgeting with the key card. She turns and looks at me as her laughter fills the room and dances in my ears.
“Aren’t you going to take off your jacket and relax?” She smiles as she throws her jacket over a chair and walks up to me, unbuttoning my coat as well. I close my eyes as I feel her pull off my coat as tossing it over hers. Her hand reaches for mine as she pulls me over to the couch. Sitting down, I watch her closely as she struggles to find words. She dips her head down and after a few seconds she raises it again, this time with tears glistening her eyes and down her face. Nervously, my hands begin to fumble with each other as my legs bounce.
“I’m sorry John…I never meant to hurt you.” She speaks, actually whispers as her sniffs take over. I cannot say anything as I prepare for the worst. “I don’t want a divorce…I need you….I love you.” She cries through her tears as my heart jumps and my soul leaves my body.
I try to find words, words that would describe how I feel but I can’t seem to think of any as she watches me, tears falling form her eyes endlessly. I reach my hand out and touch her face as she closes her eyes and leans her head into my hand. I take a deep breath as I fight my excitement and control my reactions.
“Oh Marlena, are you sure?” Those Five simple words were all that I could manage as she opens her eyes slowly and nods into my hand. Her hand reaches up and grabs mine as she smiles at me.
“I have been thinking about this for a long time. I know I made a mistake the day I watched you walk out that door, and I regretted it ever since. You are my life and you always will be…my heart belongs to you and only you.” She smiles through tears as I reach over and pull her into a hug, a hug that crushes her to death. I feel her hug me back with as much intensity as she places her face into the nape of my neck. I feel her soft lips brush against my skin and I do everything in my power to not throw her down and make love to her.
“I love you…I love you so much…” She whispers into my skin as I place my face into her hair, smelling her intoxicating scent.
“Oh baby…you have no clue how long I have been waiting to hear those words…I love you too.” I feel myself falling, falling in love all over again as I hold her body close to mine. Her lips skim across my sensitive skin as they open and close on certain parts, seducing me into oblivion. She pulls back as she looks into my eyes. I see the lust beginning to build as her eyes grow dark and her long eyelashes blink slowly.
“I may not remember my past with you…but I want you in my future…I need you to be in my future. John, I want you…to make love to me.” She whispers as I stare at her with lust filled eyes. I lean in slowly as I watch her eyes close and her breathing becomes still. Slowly, our lips touch and a shock runs through my body as the realization of our kiss sets in. That moment is here, the moment I have been dying for, a moment she has been waiting for. My lips cover hers as our kiss becomes a little more deeper, a moan escaping from the back of her throat. I feel as I may die right here. I never thought I would get the chance to kiss her again, touch her, or even make love to her. But for now I am content with this kiss, a kiss that snapped me from my devastation and desperation. I feel the softness of her full lips as they dance along mine, covering and smothering them with sweetness. Her hand skims up my chest and to my face as it lays there for a second before running through my hair. I want to keep kissing her but I feel her pull back and for a minute, I fill with panic. But when I see her eyes, I know she needs me and I need her…and there is nothing I won’t do for her.
I hear the soft moans that escape from her as my lips caress hers, making love to the delicate skin that entangles with mine. I feel as if I am drowning in the deepest ocean, and there is nothing I can do to stop it, and that is the last thing I want to do. My body temperature rises and feel myself caving into the pleasure that is beginning to build. It has been a long time since we have done this, a very long time, not since before she was stricken with amnesia, not since she was pregnant. The pain begins to stab my heart at the memory, but I quickly ignore it, relinquishing of what we are doing now. This was the last thing I expected us to do, to get a room and make love until the sun comes up.
I pull back from her, trying to stop this before it goes any further. Her hands grab my head as she pulls me back to her mouth, this time her tongue slipping out to outline my lips. I suddenly feel her tears as they drip down her face and I can’t help but think this is what she has been waiting for. She has yet to stop me from this passionate embrace, in fact she insists on continuing it. As I kiss her, I feel my hands begin to travel up the length of her body, starting at her hips and caressing up to her neck. And then another thought hits me, a painful one, and this time I back up for good, pulling away from the clutches of seduction. She stares at me in shock and confusion as I try to straighten my shirt and pants, which have increasingly become tight. I look at her as I try to explain my reluctance with a look, no words, but she still seems confused.
“I don’t want us to make love…and then you realize that in the end, it wasn’t what you wanted. I can’t be hurt anymore Marlena, and I don’t think I can take it. You have to promise me that you are sure and that when we do, you will be mine, not just now but forever.” I see her reaction and I know that I was a bit demanding, but I need to be sure. I can’t take it if I lost her…not again. I see the tears fall as she drops her head. I walk over and kneel in front of her as refuses to make eye contact.
I pause for a moment before speaking, preparing for the worse. “Do you not want me? Do you want him?” I ask, scared of the answer she may come up with. Her head shakes as she finally looks me in the eyes, nervous from my reaction.
“Do you not want me anymore John?” She whispers and my heart breaks in two. I grab her face and make her look at me as I beg with her to listen carefully.
“You are the only one I want, remember that. I am nobody without you, and I refuse to have anyone else…if I can’t have you. I want you always and there will never be one moment that I don’t. I love you with all my heart and soul…every part of my being…you are my reason for living.” I sound like a soap opera, and the ironic thing is I used to make fun of those things, saying they were so full of shit. But I hear I am pledging my undying love. She wipes her tears as she nods her head.
“I don’t want Alex…And I don’t need him. I want you John, I wanted you always.” She pleads with me as I fill up with pride and pure joy. I reach for her and bring her face to mine, attacking her lips in the sweetest of kisses. She pulls me closer to her by bringing her arms around my neck. I place my hand on her mid back as I lower her back onto the couch gently while I continue to make love to her mouth. Her hair falls all around her as she pulls me more into her, if it’s even physically possible. I try not to apply all my weight on top of her but she tugs me lower as I fall on top of her. Her leg open and moves around my hip as we kiss, each minute that passes becoming more rough then before. I slow it down, I don’t want this to be a quick romp, I want to make love to her soft and sweetly all night long.
My hands begin to move over her shoulders and down her body, but I avoid all private areas, which is ironic since she IS my wife. I feel her urgency as she pushes her leg into my lower back, almost begging me to touch her. That is all the encouragement I need and my hands begin to work their way. They skim over her breast as I hear her moan and take a sharp intake of breath. I massage them through her white sweater as my lower body begins to grind into her, causing her to moan deeper. I feel my erection grow hard and painful as it presses tightly against the rough fabric of my jeans. I know that soon my jeans would have to be unbuttoned or off, for this pressure is beyond uncomfortable.
I know she feels me through my pants as I feel her hips thrust up towards me, dying to get close to me. My hands find the bottom of her sweater and I begin to pull it up and over her breasts, where I lean down and kiss them through the lace material of her bra. I take a quick glance at her as I see her eyes closed and she bits her lower lip, while moans fight to escape her mouth. I tell her to lift up for a minute as I try to pull the sweater over her head, and she does. The fabric slides up her arms and onto the floor as her skin comes in contact with my shirt, which is quickly being undone by me, as I work the buttons as quick as I could while kissing her with an undying passion. I finally snap as I can’t get the shirt off and I rip it from me, throwing it onto the floor, joining her sweater. Our skin finally touches as our heat mixes together and an unexplainable shock happens. I slide down her face and attack her neck with my sensual kisses, sucking and biting the tender skin. Bright marks begin to form and I don’t care, because she belongs to me and no one else. I go crazy and I can’t get enough of her, her smell, her softness, her skin…I want to possess it all.
My mouth skims down to her breasts and I tug on the material with my teeth, anxious to pull it away from her. Her moan fills my ears as her hands dance through my hair, gently tugging on it, pulling me to her. I reach under her and unsnap her bra, leaning up and slowly pulling it from her arms and off her body, leaving a view that I have been longing to see for months. She stares up at me with heavy eye lids, her long dark lashes covering what’s left of her hazel orbs. She looks so beautiful, the most beautiful I have ever seen her. I lean down and take her slightly swollen lips and kiss them gently before my mouth covers over her nipple and I gently begin sucking on it, as I hear myself groan while she arched up and into me. I need her so much right now and my passionate kiss becomes stronger as my teeth begin to tug on her sensitive nipple and I hear the loudest moan I have heard from her yet. I lean up again and begin to unzip her black pants, loosening them from her hips and pulling them down her silky tanned thighs. I take a deep breath as I see her lay there, partially nude and I can’t help myself.
My erection painfully throbs and I think she can see it as her stare goes to my pants. While I finish pulling off her pants along with her shoes, she sits up and reached for me, unbuttoning my jeans with her slender fingers. The pressure finally relieves somewhat but the pain still lingers, and I need to be in her…I know I can’t last any longer. I push her down again and lay on top of her, falling between her legs, my jeans falling down and below my ass, leaving me clad in only my black boxer briefs. I push my hips into her, begging her to feel this erection she has caused me, and am pleased when I hear her whisper the word yes into my ear. I want to take her to the bad and make love to her, but I know we won’t make it that far…and for now it will have to be on this sofa. I try and kick my legs out of my pants and I angrily sigh when I can’t get them down. She looks at me and smiles as I leave her once more, promising that this would be the last time, and I hurriedly step out of them and my shoes. I see her lick her lips as she stares at my penis that is bulging through the tight fabric of my boxers. I stand over her and place my hands on her panties, sliding them down her legs and tossing it to the floor. I want to tease her and give her all the pleasure she cannot stand but I know I can’t last long and I know we have all night. I place my hands on the band of my shorts and pull them down my body, my penis jumping free and standing high. I kneel on the couch and over her as she spread her legs to me, her face flushed with anticipation.
My fingers trace a path up her thighs and to her soft mound where I spot her little button, applying pressure and watching her squirm in delight. I let a finger find her wetness and I caress her, letting a finger linger around and slide inside, watching her body and face closely. Her pleasured moan tells me all I want to hear and I can’t take no more. As I lean down, a blaring ring from a cell phone steals our moment…we glance at each other in confusion…and then she realizes…it’s her phone.
We stare at each other in confusion until she realizes it is her phone that is interrupting our moment. She must of seen that I rolled my eyes because she pulls me back down on top and tries to kiss me again. I try to stop her, I know I won’t be able to concentrate with that damn phone blaring through the room. She latches on to my lips as I feel her tongue enter my mouth as we passionately kiss, deeply. I feel her leg wrap around me as she fights to bring my hips down and then the ring goes off again.
“Please…just…ignore it…” She whispers, out of breath as I look at her and into her eyes. I get up from on top of her and walk over to her coat where I reach for the phone that is ringing in her pocket. I glance at the id and I’m not so surprised to see who is calling. She looks at me and knows who it is as I walk over to her. I hit the power button as her phone shuts down and I place it on the table.
“You won’t be needing that…not tonight anyway.”
He smiles at me and I can see why I fell in love with this man. He is so beautiful and I can’t imagine spending my life without him. He kneels in front of me once more as I lean my entire body back down on the plush sofa. I open my legs to him as he watches me and I notice how his body twitches in want. I can’t help but notice his erection and how badly I want him inside me. His muscular arms reach down, one begins to massage my breast as the other lays on the couch cushion, balancing his body over mine. He watches me with his bedroom eyes and he moves down to my face while I close my eyes. I feel his lips touch mine and once again, our mouths passionately meet for another erotic encounter. I moan loudly and it seems that I can’t even control myself, this pleasure is on overload and I know it’s going to burst any moment now. He backs up and looks at me as I try to focus on him with my heavy eyes. I watch him as his hand goes down and rubs his erection, and I bite my lip in anticipation. I notice the tip seems to be engorged with precum while it twitches and throbs, meanwhile the color seems to be a purplish blue. I can’t help but think that it must be painful because he groans when he touches it and his eyes shut tightly. I’m assuming the pain must have eased up because he stares at me once again, this time with eyes of pure lust. I breathe heavily as I watch him lead his penis to my entrance, and the pressure of his tip inside me, runs through my body. My body stiffens and I try my best to accept him as quick as I can but I seem to have this terrible pressure, and he is barley in. I sit there and try to think of anything but I know he is watching me closely and I wonder if I should start faking my reactions. I have no clue how I used to deal with this before, making love to him for hours, many times throughout the day, blows my mind away. I can’t even take much of this now…when I seen his manhood earlier, I was astonished at how large he was but now I don’t even know what to do with it. I feel him move further in and my tissue swells from the pressure and I shut my eyes tightly, inhaling sharply. I feel him pull out and his hand grazes my face as I open my eyes.
“You okay baby?” He asks as I nod slowly, trying to convince him otherwise.
“Yes…don’t stop John…please…” I’m lying…well not completely because I want him badly. He leans down again and takes my mouth as I feel the pressure of him enter me again and I moan into his mouth. I feel him swirl his hips in small circles and it seems to be breaking the strain somewhat as my body begs for him. He begins to move in and out partially as my hips begin to thrust up, searching for some kind of contact. His hands grasp my hips and hold them still as his penis slips in further, the pressure skyrocketing to the top. I feel as I might scream but I hold it in as I bite my lip…God I feel like a virgin. And then something snaps in me, an erotic desire washes over me and my clit begins to throb in want and need. I open my eyes and stare into his as he begins to move his hips slowly back and forth, watching me closely. I move my hips as they meet with his as his groan empowers the moment. I lift my leg up and around his hip, my foot resting on his ass as he begins to thrust into me, an unexplainable pleasuring feeling. I moan loudly with not a care in the world as he begins to pick up his pace, his hips riding into mine.
I try to keep my eyes open and watch her but I can’t, the passion is taking over me almost as if I have never made love before. I can feel her warm wetness and the way she feels inside. My penis slides in and out of her velvety tunnel as a moan escapes past my lips each time. As I shove myself back inside her, I feel her juices swish around me and the heat of her encircles me. It has never felt this good before, never. I’m not going to last long, it’s only a matter of time before I drain myself inside her, deep inside her. I feel her leg as it presses against me, forcing me to push further into her. I reach for her other leg and I place a strong hand on her thigh, forcing her leg up to wrap around my other side. She squeezes me tightly with her long slender legs as I begin to bang into her causing very pleasurable moans from her swollen lips. I reach up and pin her hands above her as I ride her into oblivion, forcing my shaft as far as it will go inside. I finally open my eyes and watch her, her beautiful face filled with ecstasy, her mouth slightly open as groans and moans escape, her eyes partially closed, and her hair bouncing all around her. Our bodies began to perspire as we continue to make love, actually it’s a lot more kinkier than that. Our paces are hurried and is not as sweet and gentle as I envisioned it to be at first. I knew this was going to quick and rough, but I didn’t expect to be so desperate. I pump into her hard as the couch begins to shake wildly and I wonder I f I actually am hurting her. But as I open my eyes and stare at her, she tells me otherwise, without ever mumbling a word. I know I’m about to cum and so is she as I feel her tightening around me, and hard.
I open my eyes and see him biting his lip, trying to stifle the groans that seem to be fleeing continuously. Am I bringing him this much pleasure? I know I’m drowning in this passion he is showing me. He is so good…he must have been the best I ever had. As he rides into me, I feel the heat build in my stomach as boils and burns. I begin to tighten around him as the pressure increases with every massive thrust he provides me. I close my eyes as I get closer to the cliff and glance down. It’s a long drop but I can’t seem to help my curiosity as I step over the edge and fall. The heat explodes throughout my body and runs from head to my toes, the erotic frenzy washing over me like a fog covering a beach after a storm. A deafening moan slips from me as it echoes throughout the suite, causing John to unconsciously smile and slam into me harder.
Her moan dances in my ears as I dive into her hard, her warm cum cascading all around me. I can no longer keep my eyes open as I slam into her quickly, my bomb about to explode any second now. She continues to ride her orgasm as I hear her whimper in bliss. I release her hands from their above position and I feel her arms encircle my back as her nails run across my skin. Her legs release their grip as she places one on the back of the couch and the other around my thigh. As if a powerful wave from the ocean just hit me, I release myself deep inside her, empting my seed where it belongs, deep within her, my moan now taking over hers. I fall on top of her, fighting to catch my breath and trying to slow down my heart beat. I know it’s wrong and maybe a little childish, but I hope I just created a life inside her, give her something I should of given her instead of Roman. I shake my head as I try to shake those thoughts, at least for now. I lean up a bit as I watch her. As if on cue, she opens her eyes slowly as smiles at me, running a hand through my now, sweat soaked hair.
His face is so red, completely evident from our lovemaking. I can’t stop smiling as he leans down and kisses me sweetly. He released something in me, something I had been afraid to open to since I caught this amnesia. He showed me what it is to love and what it’s like, something Alex claimed was phony. But I know this is real…this is love and I am in love with him…how could I not be. I will never let Alex tell me what to do or how to feel, not again and not ever. I feel him move away somewhat as he slides out of me and a sense of loss overwhelms me. But he quickly returns, picking me up and carrying me over to the king size bed, that is covered with satin sheets along with a satin down comforter. He lays me down along side of him and pulls the cool sheets over us as he encircles my body with his muscular arms. I kiss him deeply as we roll around a bit before coming up for air.
“Thank you…” I mumble as he looks at me in confusion.
“For what?”
“For showing me what I have been missing…your love, our love. I love you so much and I don’t ever want to be away from you again. I’m still very much in love with you…” I pledge as he smiles at me with the sexiest dimples I have ever seen.
“I’m still so much in love with you too and I’m never going to let you go, you are mine, always and forever.” He smiled as he leans down and kisses me.
My heart swells at her confession and I’m so glad that I finally got through to her. I need her like I have never needed a woman before, she is the reason I am here today and no woman will ever take that place. She’ll never know how much I love her and she’ll never understand how much I need her, but I plan on spending the rest of our lives together, showing her. As we fall into the silk sheets and kiss, I fall into her heaven, our heaven, somewhere I prayed we would be, and now we’ll always be.
I slowly open my eyes as I look around the darken room, trying to focus on my surroundings. I begin to have these slight flashes of making love to Marlena, her body close to mine as we roll around desperately clinging to one another. I slightly sit up as look around at the floor, pillows and a comforter thrown hazardously across the carpeted floor. What the hell happened? Am I dreaming? Where Am I? All these questions run through my mind as I try to find some realization of the situation. I hear a slight moan as I turn my attention to the other side of the bed. There she lays, the thin white satin sheet barley covering her slender body. I slightly lay back down on my elbow as I rest my head in my hand. I watch her closely, noticing the way her body moves very slowly from her breathing. The satin cover clings to her chest and stomach as it travels down her body, her long slender leg exposed from the thigh down. My hand begins to travel to her face as my fingers skim her cheek down to her jaw. I see her stir as a slight smile comes to her lips and then quickly disappears as she falls once again into a slumber. My fingers go back to her face as they trace her lips and then her neck, as soon my mouth has found the sweet skin on her neck. My lips can’t seem to get enough of her as they travel down her neck to her collar bone, and then to her jaw.
I feel his lips on my skin as I awake from my slumber, dazed and confused. But then I remember where I’m at and why I’m here. I turn my head slightly as I watch him kiss my shoulder and then my collarbone. I smile as my heart swells with love for this man, how could I have been so clueless and naïve. He notices that I have awoken, perhaps from my slight moans of desire. He stares into my eyes as he leans down and takes my mouth with his, passionately sucking my lips into his mouth. His kisses alone can send me over the edge, and I can’t help the beating of my heart as his tongue probes its way into my mouth. My hand reaches up and cups his face as he continues to kiss me urgently, his hands beginning to skim across my body feverishly. I feel him move his body over me as we kiss harder, my hands now running through his short hair. His hand travels down between our bodies and moves to between my legs. His fingers begin to rub and caress and it’s only a matter of time before I simply explode into ecstasy. I moan into his mouth as his hand goes to my thigh opening it from the other thigh, while he moves his body between my legs. I feel his erection as it rubs against me once again, each time feeling like the first time. I separate my lips from him as I moan into his neck while he teases me uncontrollably. I feel his mouth on my neck yet again, but this time he sucks and bites, obviously knowing he is marking me. I usually would not want that done to me, I must have hated it before, but it seems to be appropriate at this moment.
I tug on her gentle skin, purposely marking her as mine, because after all she is. I pull back and even though the room is dark, I can still make out the reddened mark on her neck. I look into her hazel eyes, now dark with erotic passion, and I lose myself in them. For the past months, I never thought I would have been looking into them the same way I am now, I had lost all hope for our future. And as I lean down and kiss her again, I know this is just not sex, a simple one night stand. This is lovemaking, a sweet and soulmate understanding that only we have shared before. I know she will not get up in the morning and shake my hand and walk out of my life. I can tell by her eyes, her moans, her reactions. Sex does not have these reactions, these moments, these emotions, this passion. My hands run through her soft blonde hair as they lift her head and pull her mouth further into mine, if it’s possible. I know she is ready for me, I can feel her excitement and I prepare myself for entry. I reach down and guide myself to her opening, slowly sliding myself in, little by little. I feel her warmth wrap around me as her canal tightly snaps around me, signaling her discomfort. I hear her whimper and her quick intake of breath as I slowly pull away, kissing her neck and then pecking her lips. She opens her eyes as I once again move back inside her, slower that the first time.
Why I can’t get used to him is beyond me, this isn’t like the first time we have made love tonight. I want to adapt to him soon, for he brings me such pleasure in the end. I feel him slide in a little more and my body tightens, holding him inside causing a moan to escape from his mouth. His kiss is rough as he sucks me into his passionate trap, leaving me breathless and relaxed. His hands skim across my breast while his mouth leaves my lips and latches onto my right breast, sucking it urgently as his thrusts barley shift. I tilt my head back into the pillows as I moan my approval, wanting nothing more then to scream out my bliss. He removes his head from my chest and begins to move his hips to and fro, softly, making sure that I am broken in to. The satin sheet dangles right above his lower back, covering his entire lower body, while my legs are uncovered and arched along his satin covered hips. He pushes into me and I feel him hit that certain soft spot in the wall that makes me want to lose all control of my nerves. His hands rest on my breast as he continues to thrust into me, a slow and erotic manner that makes me actually wish there was mirror above us, so that I could watch on how he moves into my body. His pace begins to pick up and my legs wrap around him as he rides me harder, my lower body being lifted up from the bed from the force of his thrust. I moan his name over and over as he whispers mine into my skin.
I am so losing this battle as I feel her tighten around me, I can’t release so soon, it’s too soon. I pull out of her and take a deep breath, and she watches me, wondering. I give her a reassuring kiss and tell her that to give me a second or two. She laughs as she pushes me onto my back and slowly crawls over me.
“Come on John…I want this…and I know you do too.” I hear her say and I can’t help but close my eyes as I feel her slide down on me. The ridges of her walls slide all around me and my hands grasp the sheets, drastically as her hips begin to move slowly in a wave like manner. She always had a way of doing this for as long as I have known her, she could always set me off when she was on top. The way she moved, how she rocked, she almost looked like an exotic dancer. We used to joke about that and she would always laugh it off, saying she had to please her man somehow. My hands leave the sheets and grasp her hips as I force her down on me and hard. She lets out a loud moan as I rock into her again, pulling her hips onto me faster then before. Her moans are nonstop and louder then before and by the way she is whimpering and moving, I know she is done.
“I need you Marlena, I need you baby.” I whimper out from loss of breath as I continue to ride up in her. “I want all of you….give it to me!” He hisses as his eyes shut, trying to contain his control.
“You have me John, I’m all yours.” She moans and I cannot help but smile as she moves her hips further down on me.
“Marlena, I want you to have my baby. I need you to have my baby again….could you give that to me.” I hear myself saying and I pause for a second. Why the hell would I tell her that, I mean yes it’s true I do want that, but why would that come out at this moment. She looks down at me and at first I mistake her reaction for disappointment and rejection. But she smiles and leans down over me, taking my lips.
“I’ll give you whatever you wish for. I would love to give you another baby.” She smiles and I fill up with joy and excitement. I flip her over on her back as I plunge back into her body, finishing her off.
“I love you.” I whisper as I thrust into her over and over. She whispers the words back and I hear her moan loud, grasping onto my body as she comes. I slam into her as she finishes off her orgasm, and my body begins to quake with anticipation. The thought of me putting a child in her body fills my mind as my pace becomes rough and wild. I feel the heat rise in my stomach and then it snaps, releasing my seed deep inside her yet again. I stay inside her, holding myself there as her body wraps around mine, holding and caressing.
As we lay on the bed, now spooning each other, I kiss her head, mumbling my affection to her. She laughs as she kisses my hands and whispers her love back, claiming she will never let anything come between it again.
“Tomorrow is a new day, and we will go from there. But nothing is going to tear me apart from you. John?” She asks and I give her a hum sigh, almost lazy to say the word yes. “I want to give you another baby, because I believe we deserve a new beginning. And I think that would be the perfect place to start. You were the person I should of started a family with from the beginning, not Roman.” I hush her, telling her not to bring up the past but she stops me. “I will give you a baby, no matter how long it takes, or hard it is to get. I love you.” She smiles and my heart swells. I lean into kiss her as we slightly moan.
“Well I think we are off to a good start…and I can’t wait baby.” I whisper as we fall into eachothers arms and let sleep take over us.
The sun shines brightly through the windows as I awake from the light that beams on my face. I sit up slowly and crawl from the comfort of the soft and warm bed as I reach the window shades and quickly shut out the sun. I rub my eyes from tiredness that I now seem to possess and decide to get back in bed, where I belong. As I lay there in the sheets, trying to get comfortable, I reach over and come in contact with her slender body that is covered beautifully by the satin sheet. I hear her moan softly, possibly from the force of my embrace as her eyes flutter softly. I soon see the soft hazel colored eyes peep into mine as I smile at her widely, proud that she is in my bed. She returns her beautiful smile back at me and then slowly turns her head to the side, glancing at the nightstand. She holds the sheet to her body as she sits up and gives a small stretch, a slight yawn escaping her.
“Mmmm… Good Morning!” She smiles and I swear I feel my heart stop at the sound of her tired and raspy morning voice.
“Good Morning Sweetheart! Did you sleep well?” I smile as she makes a face and quickly shows that dazzling smile once again.
“What sleep? I don’t think we fell asleep until…I don’t know…5 this morning maybe.” She laughs as I pull her to me, reaching for her lips and finally feeling them against mine again. It has been 5 hours since I last had them on mine and that is just way too long. I hear that slight moan in the back of her throat and I badly want to get between her legs and make love to her again, for the umpteenth time since last night. I slowly back her down on the bed as I fall upon her body, once again reacquainting with it…with her. I kiss her deeply and passionately as our mouths move together, like in romance movie, so perfect, so beautiful. Her hands rub down my back as she moans my name into my mouth while my hands play in her hair.
“God I need you….” I breathe heavily as she nods and goes for my mouth hurriedly, pulling me into her passionate exchange.
I sigh heavily as I glance at the clock that now claims its noon while I watch her crawl from the bed of entangled covers. She winks at me as she gathers the silk sheet and covers herself with it, running to the nearby bathroom. I laugh out loud, happy for the first time since all this drama happened within the last year. My body is still sweating from our lovemaking just moments ago and my face flushed. I hear the water run and I swear if I had any energy left, I would go in there and have another round of sweet lovemaking. But at this moment, I seriously believe that I wouldn’t be able to perform at all….I’m surprised that I even lasted this long….must be love. I as well crawl from this messy bed and gather our things, clothes, shoes….whatever may have been thrown around in the fit of passion. I remember last night that before we decided to do anything, her cell phone kept ringing and I shut it off. I walk over to the coffee table and grab it, hitting the power button as the bright light popped on and the huge word exclaiming hello appeared on the screen. Even her cell phone is feminine and sophisticated…just like her. I put the phone down and no sooner that I have walked away, the phone begins to beep loudly. I walk back and notice that there happens to be 21 messages on her phone, which I can only assume who left them. I give a small smirk and turn around walking to the bathroom just as Marlena was walking out into out hotel room. Her hair dripping wet and slight waves bounce next to her face as a white towel wraps her body perfectly. She smiles at me as she tells me that the shower is all mine, and I give her a quick peck, informing her she has messages on her phone.
I smile at him as I watch him walk into the bathroom, his bottom so round and touchable, I just want to run my hands over it again. I bite my lip and control myself, I have to….I am so sore it is not even a laughing matter anymore. I notice that he has gathered my clothes and I smile at the thought of him taking care and looking after me. I slowly put on my bra and panties, and then my black pants and sweater. The phone beeps yet again and I finally walk over to it, hitting the button to my messages. The first message was from Alex, so I skip to the second…oh it’s Alex…..so skip to the third…..oh wow, it’s Alex…..okay so now I delete those and go through the others….and not much to my surprise, they are all from Alex, each one becoming more and more hostile. I laugh it off, knowing he is no longer an issue to me, not anymore and never will be again. I put my phone back down and walk over to the towel I left on the bed, quickly drying off my hair as much as possible. The ringer on the phone goes off yet again, this time a call coming through. I glance at the Id and am not really surprised to see who the caller is. I give a sigh and then flip open the phone, giving a tired hello.
“Marlena! Thank God! Where are you? Do you know what time it is?” He yells and I can’t help but laugh at his stupidity and insecurity.
“Yes Alex, I know what time it is!…Yes I am fine….And no you don’t need to know where I’m at. What you do need to know is that we have something very important to talk about and it will change everything. I will be home shortly, I would say in about an hour or so…so wait for me at the penthouse. Look I gotta run, see you in a bit.” I quickly shut the phone and walk to the bathroom just as John was getting out of the shower. I watched in pure amazement and want as the water dripped down his chiseled chest and his firm abs, leaving a glow on his dark skin. His hair was dark as it was slicked back, the water drops dancing on his eyelashes. I want to rip my clothes off and slam my body onto his, sore or not sore, he makes me crazy with desire. He gives me a small wink as he asks me if I have checked my messages. I nod telling him that all of them were from Alex and that he sounded pretty upset. He gives a small smile as he tells me that he will take over and nothing is going to happen that she should be worried.
“Oh I’m not….I have you.” I joke as I walk up to him and kiss him roughly on the lips. I must have caught him off guard because he slightly loses his balance and we back into the wall, kissing feverishly. My hand goes to his towel and I begin to unwrap it from his body, wanting to once again make love. I just can’t get enough of him, I simply can’t and won’t do it. His hands go to the bottom of my sweater and begins to lift it when there is a knock at the door, snatching our attentions from what we are doing.
“Leave it…they will go away.” He tells me as his mouth goes back to mine. Our tongues lap against eachother as our hands are non-stop and my body screams for more. The knocking persists as I finally back away form my husband, annoyance now present in my attitude.
“Do you want to get that or should I?” I ask as I rest my hand on my chin, unsure of what he is going to say.
“I’ll get it, you stay here.” He smiles as he grabs the towel that fell to the floor and wraps it around him once again. I hear a woman’s voice at the other end of the door and my curiosity gets the best of me as I walk over behind John. I wrap my hands around his torso and I call him a name of affection while ask who is at the door. He glances at me as he turns back to the woman who I’ve now noticed is Ms. Kate Roberts. She looks at me in disbelief as she looks back at my husband in confusion.
“How did you know I was up here Kate?” I hear him ask as she looks at me again.
“I was downstairs talking to one of the doormen, asking if they saw you last night, because I was worried that you didn’t call or show up. Well one of the customer service guys said that you booked a room in the penthouse last night…thinking it was a surprise for me.” Kate smiled as Marlena stared back in anger.
“Why would it be for you Kate? You both have a room downstairs, why wouldn’t he just go there.” I ask sarcastically as my hands go back to John’s waist. I know that she is staring at him, his rippling muscles, his tanned firm skin.
“Well I didn’t think he would be here with you….you were the last person I expected here with him.” I almost lose control as I step forward from behind John, but as if on instinct, he grabs me and pulls me back.
“You know what, Kate thanks for checking on me. However, I won’t need any monitoring or even vacating in your suite. My wife and I have come to an agreement and we will be living together again, without Alex North. Thanks for the checkup but I am fine.” John smiles as he closes the door on her and looks at me, apologetically.
“Did you sleep with her?” I ask him, upset at what I saw, the look in her eyes, the sympathy in his.
“No, I haven’t…not since the last time…..when you….” He silences as I look up at him and nod slowly, waving my hand slightly.
“I don’t want to bring that up, we are on a whole new road.” I mumble as I turn around and walk away. He follows me and he knows that I’m upset but doesn’t really go into it anymore. He simply throws his towel on the bed and dresses quickly as I grab my coat and purse.
The room is filled with loud ass music as everyone’s laughter and can be heard. It is a gathering for my company’s charity event and trust me when I say the last place I want to be is here. This afternoon went better then I thought with Alex, but a turn for the worse for me and Marlena. After Marlena had explained to Alex that she was going to be with me and this was her decision, he went a little haywire, ranting and raving that it was all my fault, which of course brings a joy to my life. He seemed to calm down after a bit and realized he had lost and I had won her love, deciding this game of stupidity was now over. Shortly after he packed up and left, Marlena and I seemed to have got into this tick for tack kind of argument, blaming stupid events from the past on each other. And the funny thing about it, is I was blaming her for things she doesn’t remember, but I think the real thing that hurt her was when I accused her of opening her legs to Roman. She was mad, I knew she was as she made accusations about me sleeping with a whore….a whore who had no morals. She watched me with venom in her eyes as she grabbed a picture of us and hurled it at me, shattering the frame on the wall behind me.
“A whore for a whore….I guess that would be appropriate, don’t you think?” The way she said it made my soul burn and my heart crack. I watched her walk off as she climbed the stairs, not once turning back to look at me. So just when I think nothing could go worse, Kate calls my cell phone, which Marlena happens to have since I let her use it when her phone died. Three minutes later after she has left me downstairs, Marlena storms down the stairs, throwing the phone at me, explaining who it was. Kate informs me not to forget about the charity event and at first I tell her to go without me but she insists that it is my charity ball. I know she is right so of course I agree but only if my wife comes along. So the best part is going upstairs and persuading Marlena, which is a whole other issue.
Nonetheless, we are here in this huge ballroom, champagne flowing, caviar rolling, and money glowing. As soon as we walk in the door, it’s like a stampede of people running up and shaking hands with me and my wife. We are so caught up with the crowd that we barely talk to eachother or even look at one another. Pictures seem to go off non-stop, I don’t even have a clue to where I am going and who I am seeing. An hour flies by and finally I catch a glimpse of my wife, who is standing in a long black form fitting dress, with a dip in the back that stops just barely above her ass. The dress is not so low in the front, just enough to let your imagination wander, it has thin straps that dance along her shoulders and hooks behind her neck….definitely a dress of seduction, sexiness, and a bit sophistication. She is chatting with some woman and I purposely interrupt them and my arm slides around her thin waist and my lips peck her neck. She is thrown off guard as she tenses up then waves her wine glass to the lady, explaining that the owner has graced us with his presence. I introduce myself as usual and then ask if I can steal her away for just a moment, to which the woman agrees to. I reach for her hand but she moves it away, her face barley looking at mine as she smiles at other people.
“What’s wrong Marlena? Are you still upset with me?” I ask as she gives a fake smile.
“Always…” With that she raises her glass to me and drinks the remainder of the alcohol as she walks away, leaving me alone. So another hour passes and I have yet to be near my wife, wishing what I said earlier, I could take it back. I feel a pair of hands run over my back and then slide around me as Kate appears in front of me.
“Don’t you look handsome?” She smiles and I can tell she is intoxicated as her hands continue to roam down my dark tailored tux. I push her hands away from me and grab them with mine as I whisper for her to stop this foolishness before she regrets it. However, she has failed to hear my plea as he hands grab my tie and she slides her fingers up and down, trying to pull it from under my vest. I grab her hand in mine and warn her as I lean close to her face, and then as if I know someone was watching me, I glance up and see my wife, watching. I let go of Kate and go after her as she walks away and into the lobby of the hall. There is a grand staircase that curves up and leads to a dark and secluded balcony where you can admire the room from above, without heavy crowds all around you. I quickly run up those stairs after her and give much admiration to how quickly she runs up with three and half inch stilettos. I grab a hold of her as we reach the top and she fights to release her arms from my grasp.
“Marlena! What you saw was nothing that you are thinking.” I tell her as she gives me evil eyes.
“And what is it that I’m thinking, John!” She snaps as I watch her face, admiring how beautiful she is, how beautiful her makeup is done, how beautiful she looks when she is upset and with makeup on.
“She kept grabbing me and I grabbed her hands from me and leaned into her because the music was too loud….I told her that if she kept doing that, she would regret it.” I state as she rolls her eyes, not believing a word I’m saying. I grab her face as I lean in and kiss her roughly on the mouth. At first she is fighting me, and putting up a really good one but as my tongue plays with her lips, her anger chips. I pin her to the wall behind as my hands leave her face and go to her neck, where my lips have now found her sweet gentle skin. I hear her low moans, or maybe they were loud but with this damn loud ass music no one can tell. I move us a little further from the staircase just in case someone should venture up and see us in a passionate exchange. My lips have found her mouth yet again and this time are tongues duel with eachother, erotically yet passionately. That familiar burn in my stomach rises and I can feel my arousal begin, pressing slightly on my tux pants. I reach down between our bodies, grabbing her breast in my hand and caressing them roughly. I let my lips wander from her as they travel down her chest and to her stomach. I squat down as my hands now slide under her dress, traveling up her silken covered legs, skimming higher and higher. I realize that she has on my favorite type of nylons, the thigh high laced rimmed, and I do everything in my power not to rip them from her. Instead my hands find her sicken panties and slide them down her long legs and lifting each elegant stiletto covered foot as I remove them from her body. She watches me with passion filled eyes as I slowly lift her dress up and little by little, as I stand to my feet. With one hand, I grab her dress while the other goes to my pants and quickly undoes the button and fly. She has yet to move from the wall, her hands still, her breathing heavy. I release my aroused penis from its restraints as the pants hang loose, and the black silken boxers still cover my way. I lower the boxers as much a possible with one had, enough to let him jump free. My hand then goes back to her dress, where I hoist it up higher, stopping right above her hips, and then quickly lifting her up. Her legs wrap around me as I pin her arms to the wall, holding her still as I kiss her roughly. One hand goes back to my penis as I find her entrance and prepare it for entry, stiffening as much as possible. With no words, I watch her eyes as I slam into her hard, causing her to scream my name.
The sound of a slow R&B song seemed to be playing, one that I can’t say I know at all. I try to listen to the words but it’s pretty hard to concentrate on that when I have my wife’s legs wrapped around me as I pin her to the wall. And then the song says something about come on baby lets get naked…and I can’t take it. Seems to fit my mood perfectly but unprofessional for a charity ball, which I will have to complain about later, much later. The song is slow and erotic, sexy in every beat and I can’t think of a better song right now. It fills the air, loud and full of bass….the perfect scenario. I look into my wife’s eyes, who seems to have them closed as I bury myself inside her. I lean in and kiss her neck hard as I move slowly out of her body and then back in. My rhythm is slow and long as I slowly move my hips into hers painfully unhurriedly. I feel her clamp around me and I know that she wants to come but she can’t, not now. I move my hips a little more, circling them as if in a spiral as she calls my name, breathing hard and then biting her lip. Her legs wrap around me tighter as I push deeper and deeper, touching spots I don’t think I have ever hit before. Her moans have became stronger as I released her arms from above us and my hands have grasped her hips as I begin to slam her onto me, still remaining slow but hard thrusts. Her arms have gone around my neck as she fights to stay with me, her lower lip becoming bright red from her teeth.
The music seems even more perfect as I lean her into the wall, harder then before as I throw myself into her, receiving screams of passion. I want to see her breast but removing the strap seems like too much work at this moment. My breathing has become out of control as I plunge into her with great effort, banging her hips into the wall, pushing my way through her body, determined to leave my mark deep inside.
I watch the crowd as they are all dancing, drinking, and laughing while my husband fucks me above his company party. I moan his name loudly, knowing no one will hear us with this music blaring throughout the whole room. The song has now changed to one of smooth jazz, a very sexy one as the saxophone plays loudly with the slow tempo. I see everyone dancing closely, lovingly, and longingly, their bodies holding lustfully. My body gets hotter and my mood gets lustier, if it’s even more possible, as I my legs go tighter around him as they slightly push his pants down a little lower, sending them right underneath his ass. I feel him inside me, deep inside me and my body screams for more. His tie has far become undone as his vest jerks up and scrunches between our bodies as he pushes harder and harder. I want to grab something, but his hair seems inappropriate and the wall is too flat and my hands constantly roam the back of his jacket. I find his lips as we erotically kiss eachother as my grunts have now been coming every second. I swear I see a figure by the stairs but I am so lost, I can’t even focus on who’s there. As the figure gets closer, I notice its Kate and can’t help but smile. I watch her with heavy eyes as I bite his neck and kiss it hard, moaning his name. Not once have I taken my eyes away from hers as he continues to pound into me. Her face is priceless as shock and jealousy shine through those dark eyes and then anger and disgust. I smile seductively as he leans me back into the wall, pushing himself further in, causing me to scream and wrap my legs tighter then before. I see her storm off as she runs down the stairs while John glances towards the stairs, but I quickly grab his face with my hands as I kiss him hard on the lips, keeping him with me. His thrusts are now becoming harder and stronger, pushing my insides to the max. I have no choice and run my hands through his hair as I tug it hard while my body slams into the wall hard and fast. His hands grab my ass as they rock me into him powerfully as his grunts have now overpowered mine, my name being shouted over and over. I am about to climax, God I can feel it deep inside and I know he does too. I begin to clamp all around him, signaling my nearness as his pace gets faster. The heat inside me is boiling and churning and in a flash…it explodes, as I scream his name, slamming my hips down on him as he slams up into me. With one final thrust, he shoves himself hard inside and shouts the word baby as I feel his seed shoot through me yet again, traveling all round me, deep inside. His mouth latches onto mine as we kiss softly, taking our time to enjoy this climax. After a couple minutes, the wall becomes hard and cold as I slightly shiver in his arms.
I look up at her as I smile and peck her lips yet again, this time letting her down. Her feet touch the ground and for a moment she is a little unsteady but I grab her and hold here, waiting till she regains her strength. I fix her dress and lower the material, trying to smooth out the wrinkles that have slightly appeared. I pick up my boxers and pants and begin buttoning, fastening and clasping belts, while Marlena fixes my tie and adjusts it into my vest. I glance at her and smile as she gives me a soft look.
“What?”
“You used to fix my tie all the time before… I couldn’t and still can’t ever do it.” I laugh as Marlena smiles.
“I know…..I had a feeling.” She smiles as she kisses me softly before asking where her panties are. I grab them from my pocket and ask her if these are it…and before she can reach for it, I snatch it back and claim that they are mine and place them in my pocket again. I tap her on her behind before I place both my hands on her butt and squeeze, rubbing her into me slightly, causing her to laugh.
“Let’s get down to our guest shall we? Tonight you belong to me, and when we get home, just in case you’re wondering….this isn’t over.” I warn her as we walk down the balcony, hand in hand, reaching the stairs. I notice Kate at the bottom as she looks up at me and as I turn my head away, so another confrontation doesn’t begin, I notice the look Marlena gives Kate as she gives her a wicked smile and an evil wink before leaning into kiss me. We walk down slowly hand in hand, Marlena’s eyes never leaving Kate’s and her smile never looking so damn sexy. I release her hand for a moment as one of the high roller v.i.p.’s calls me for a second. As I talk to this man, I see Marlena lean into Kate as she turns away in disgust and then walks off, leaving my wife to laugh as she grabs a glass of champagne off a tray, raising it towards Kate. I can’t comprehend what is going on, and the conversation I am having, has become a blank to me. I can’t even focus what Marlena and Kate’s conversation could have been about. I end my conversation with this broker as I walk to my wife, grabbing her hand and escorting her back inside the ballroom, where another slow song plays. I grab the glass from her hand a place it on a table as I pull her to me on the dance floor, bringing her close to mine again. All eyes are on us as we stare at eachother, lightly tipping our lips to one another, as our hands roam our bodies, appropriately yet lovingly. It seems that everyone is smiling at us, probably happy that we are back together after the year we had. I know there was handful of people whose mouth fell in shock when we walked through the door together.
I dip my head to her ear as I slightly kiss it, before asking what was the conversation about with Kate. She smiles and she pulls back slightly before going to my ear and whispering.
“When we are upstairs, she came up and watched as you fucked me…and I knew she was there the whole time….so when I saw her downstairs, I asked if she liked what she saw.” She whispers in my ear seductively, slowly, and very low….and fight everything I have to not take her way and make love to her again. Then it hits me about what my wife just said as I pull back and look at her now.
“She did…she was?” I ask as my wife laughs and winks.
“Oh yeah!” She smiles at me and then kisses me on my lips as we continue to dance slowly against one another. “And you were great…by the way.” She whispers as she places her head on my shoulder as I hold her close, a smile appearing on my face.
The room is full of noise from both Marlena and I and the bed. I hear myself grunt as I push into her for the last time, my body weak and tired, unable to go on anymore. Her legs drape around my thighs as her moans calm down somewhat, her breathing now much heavier then mine. I fall upon her body, hoping to regain my breath as well, feeling that I may die any moment if I don’t relax. Our bodies are wet from sweating profusely and I almost slide off her as I cling to her closely, my head lay on her shoulder and my face in her neck, smelling the faint fragrance from her perfume earlier. I slightly kiss her neck as I remove myself from her body, my penis now becoming soft and slender. I back away from her silky traps as I lay myself next to her body, holding her close to me as we still fight to regain our breathing.
“Wow….your really trying to prove that I am the only one huh?” I hear her say as she laughs. I break out into a laugh as well, unable to control my happiness.
“I told you I wasn’t through with you for the night.” I reply as she places her head onto my chest.
“Honey, maybe we should try and get some sleep. Its 3 am already and we hardly got any sleep last night.” She smiled as I kiss the top of her head.
“Uh no…I am on a mission and I have to make sure that the mission is accomplished.” She looks up at me in confusion as she smiles.
“Is your mission to kill me…because it’s working. Baby, honestly I don’t think I can accept any part of your body anymore…I’m really sore. How about we call it a night…we have been doing this non-stop, since last night.” She complains to me as I kiss her lips softly. “Are you going to tell me your mission, now?” She asked in the most sweetest of voices.
“I…want…you….to get….pregnant…tonight!” I say in between kisses as I push her down again, crawling over her, determined to become aroused once more. It seems that the words spark my arousal because I suddenly feel myself rise and grow as I nestle between her legs. She hesitatingly but then willingly opens them widely, enough to let me fall comfortably into her sweet heaven. I rub against her, kissing her lips, touching her breasts, as I moan her name over and over. She breaths in deeply as my mouth latches onto her neck, sucking the life from her skin. Her hands run down my back and then her nails dig into my skin, as I rub my erection roughly between her lips, caressing a very sensitive area. I am so physically tired but it’s as if I just can’t get enough of her, refusing too. Out of all the years we have been together, I have never made love to her this much, or been able to become aroused again only two minutes after I just made love to her. I feel her slender leg rise and run around my back as we continue to grind against one another.
“Honey…I want to…I really do but I can’t….I’m too sore.” She whispers as I kiss her lips softly.
“I promise I will be gentle baby…” I mumble as I lean down and take her breast in my mouth. I tug on her nipple gently as her head arches into the soft pillow, her mouth open as moans of bliss escape. I pull back and look into her eyes as I watch her carefully, making sure she understands what I am saying. “If it hurts you…I will stop for the night…okay?” I whisper as she nods before slowly closing her eyes as I lean down again, taking her mouth in a carnal kiss. I reach down between our bodies as I grab myself, rubbing it up and down, making sure it’s all ready for its routine. I lead it to her entrance, slowly letting the tip in, moving around in a small circle until the tension snaps. She closes her eyes tighter, breathing in hard as I feel her body tense from the discomfort. I don’t pull away, knowing that if I do, I won’t be able to get back in even if I pry her open. I push in further, her juices from before making it easy for me to slide in. It takes a few minutes for her to adjust and after slow and agonizing moments of stillness, I finally push myself completely inside, my moan uncontrollably loud. For a second I think about my children, grateful that it is now just us in this house, able to do what we want, when we want, as loud as we want, when we please. And then I have another flash of her having another baby and how it will go back to the same routine when the kids were here, but it doesn’t seem to bother me….it only enthuses my passion.
“Oh…mmmm…John…easy” She breathes as her legs clamp onto the side of my hips, begging me to relax my thrusts. I once again hold myself still just so that she can adapt…accommodate me. Her grip loosens and I begin to push extremely slow, the friction of our bodies creating intense heat. I pick up the pace on my thrust as I move up and down her, her moans now coming as pleasure. I grab her breast with one hand and drop my head to it, kissing and sucking, as my thrusts continue. I want to change positions but refuse to pull away from her. She tugs on my hair and somehow that gives me a sign that she is acceptable of any change. I flip her over onto her hands as I enter her roughly, a scream escaping past her swollen lips. I push and pound into her with such force that I actually forget about the possibility that I am hurting her. My worries are soon forgotten as moans and whimpers escape her, most are nonstop while others are masked by her heavy breathing. I know she is close and I pick up the pace even faster, our bodies pounding into eachother violently. She pulls up from her hands as she leans her body up and around my neck. I try to thrust into her but it becomes tough as my hands caress her breasts and her stomach, unable to get a hold of her hips. We slow down a bit, as her head leans back onto my shoulder, our mouths connecting in a fervent kiss, while her hands run the back of my head. We stay like this for several minutes, our thrusts now long forgotten, our hands roaming everywhere and anywhere. I place my hands to her face as I pull her back slightly away from mine, looking into her eyes. I sit back on the bed, turning her around and pull her down so that she straddles me. I grasp her hips as I lead it down to my waiting member. I close my eyes as slide in her, loud gasp coming from my lungs. I slowly open my eyes and look at her, who now has her head tilted back. Her arms go around my neck as she arches her back, while I thrust my hips up into her. Her legs dance along the sides of my body as I continue to lift myself into her while she dips down on me. She looks into my eyes as we thrust together, holding eachother closely as feel the climax beginning to rise. Her moans are now beyond uncontrollable as each second that passes, her sweet whimpers are revealed to silence in the room. I flip her down on her back as I plunge into her for the last time tonight, making it every bit worth our while. I move my hips in a wave like rhythm, increasingly strong, incredibly stimulating, and powerfully driven. Her legs now cling around me as I pick up the pace on my already speedy thrusts, knowing I’m going to explode within seconds. She clamps all around my member, tightening me to the point where I can no longer move. Her hands grasp the sheets above her as she screams my name loudly, her eyes clenching shut as her mouth drops in ecstasy. I push myself as far as I can go and spill my hot creamy fluid into her captivity, making sure she milks everything I got, out of me. I stay inside her as I collapse on top of her body, this time knowing I am finished for the night. Her breathing is heavy and rushed as she wipes the preparation from my forehead and kisses my lips.
“I love you…” She whispers as I whisper the words back. I pull away from her and lay down next to her body, spooning her closely. I play with her hair until she falls asleep, peacefully and happily content. I then allow the exhaustion to overtake my body, bringing me to a dream world, of extreme hopes and never-ending fantasies.
A few weeks have passed since our reconciliation took place, both my wife and I continuing to live our everyday normal lives, well however normal you can get with your wife having amnesia. She’s been having flashes of our past, but that’s all they are, brief flashes and nothing concrete. It disturbs her, that much I know….but most of all she fills with anger every time it happens, her frustration directed towards me most of the time, and there really is nothing I can do about it except take the blame and keep my mouth shut. I actually am concentrating more on trying to expand our family, and deep down inside I know that her memory is far more important but I can’t help thinking that if she does have another child, it all might come back to her. However our intimate rendezvous have been extremely limited, for we are to busy debating on memory flashes and our past. My only hope is that we may have created a precious life during that whole first week we reconciled. My thoughts have disappeared as I hear her call my name from the balcony above the living room as I glance up. She smiles at me with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, her eyes sparkle and her cheeks flush as she asks me to come upstairs. I smile back as I make my way to the stairs, slowly climbing them as we meet at the top. I feel her arms wrap around my neck as she leans in and places a gentle kiss on my lips while I let my hands wander down the sides of her body.
“What’s going on baby?” I ask her as she smiles softly before taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom.
“There is something that I think you should know?” She whispers to me softly before sitting me down on our bed and reaching for my hands. I nod my head as I give her a silent plea to continue with what she wants to say. “I was sitting on the couch over there staring out the window when I had this flash or memory of some sort. It was you and me in a cabin….and I was screaming in pain while you were telling me to breathe and it wasn’t time, to hold a little longer. And then all these flashes started happening, almost like in a movie….of me screaming, breathing, pushing, utterly devastating pain running through my body, and then a baby crying. Was that a memory of Belle’s birth?” She asks me as I try to contain my excitement. I smile widely as I stand up and pull her into this fierce hug, holding her as if I’m afraid I may lose her. She pulls back a little, pretending as if she is trying to fight for air before laughing and asking again if that was a memory.
“Yes baby…that was Belle!” I tell her as I pull her to me once again, kissing her head. I hear her laugh and then her hands run down my chest as she pulls away again.
“If that’s the case….I don’t want anymore children.” She laughs as she walks to the closet and begins searching for a dress. I smile to myself, hoping that she is joking about what she just said, but not really taking it to heart. She grabs a long beige slim fitting gown as she looks at me and holds it against her body. “You like this?” She asks as I nod before getting up off the bed again and slowly walking to her.
I mumble the words ‘I do’ as I nuzzle my lips into her neck before she laughs and squirms away from me. She backs up to the bathroom as she motions for me to start getting ready for party that we have to attend. I bow my head for a moment, wishing we didn’t have to attend this family gathering at Tuscany. But its our daughter’s graduation party and as proud parents of our little girl, we must be present for such an occasion.
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There are endless guests that surround my wife, all anxious to be near her and to hear her beautiful and contagious laughter, almost as if her she were a celebrity or royalty. I want to get next to her, dying to be by her side but by the looks of it, trying to would be an endless fight. I simply stand by the bar with the guys as I sip on some champagne and puff on a cigar. As I talk with my friends, I pay close attention to her and notice how she is behaving differently. I don’t what it is but there is just something about her that looks so different, her color is off, she is a littler more flushed, a lot more anxious. As we both stand at opposite sides of the rooms, we glance at one another, smiling and eye’s twinkling. I wink at her before turning my attention to Abe who asks me a question that I really didn’t hear.
A few hours pass as my daughter’s party begins to come to an end, her contentment and appreciation very much noticed as she thanks everyone who attended and hugs her mother, grateful for being back in our lives. I sip on some more champagne as I feel a pair of slender arms encircle my waist as I turn around and see her beautiful face. I place my glass down as I place my hands on her face and kiss her sweet lips before smiling into them and pulling back.
“Having fun?” I ask her as she smiles and nods, before glancing behind her, almost as if she were making sure no one was around to hear what she needed to say.
“Yes I am actually!” She laughs as I grab my glass and take another drink before noticing she doesn’t have one. I raise it to her, silently asking her if she would like sip which she waves her hand to me, gesturing no.
“Why aren’t you drinking?” I am curious now, noticing she hasn’t really been on the alcohol tonight.
“Because I want to be sober when I throw you down in our bed tonight…and I want it to be all night long. So I suggest you stop drinking before it’s too late for you too.” She laughs as I smile at the rim of my glass before finishing my drink and setting the glass down. “Oh and also it wouldn’t be good for the baby…” She smiles slightly, glancing up at me, waiting to see my face. At first I stand there like a mindless idiot, not really thinking about what she just said and then I glace at her again, this time with shock running through my face. She laughs at me, her hands grasping my face and rubbing my skin softly. “Didn’t I tell you Daddy? I’m pregnant.” She smiles as I burst out in laughter and pick her slender frame up and into my arms. I hold her forever as I kiss the side of her face and travel to her neck and then her lips as together we celebrate this wonderful news…the news I have been waiting to hear since I got her back in my life. Tonight I will show her my appreciation for her….my commitment to her…and my undying love.
“What do you mean you haven’t known for a long time?” I ask her as we walk into the penthouse, both of us truly exhausted but knowing very well our night was just beginning. She turns around and shrugs at me, making a confused face before smiling and lifting up her hands in defense.
“John, I’m telling you…I seriously haven’t known for that long.” She laughs as she turns around and places her purse down on the desk while I close and lock the front door. I slowly make my way behind her as my hands skim around her thin waist and I bring her body close to mine. I hear her sigh softly as she lets out a small laugh before turning around in my arms and looking into my eyes. “I found out about a week ago.”
My mouth drops open as I hear her honesty and I can’t help but want to strangle her at this very moment. “A WEEK! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because I wanted it to be a surprise and I wasn’t sure how to break it to you….but I know I wanted to surprise you….reason being I kept it to myself this long. Trust me honey….I had a real hard time trying to keep this secretive….and don’t worry, you’re the first to know.” She smiles at me beautifully, grabbing my face in her hands and pulling me closer to her face, rubbing her lips along mine in the most gentlest of touches. She pulls back and looks at me once more before smiling and pulling her body away from mine for a bit. “I’m surprised you didn’t catch on actually? I was afraid you would.”
“What! I thought you were simply tired half the time and that you needed your rest…were you throwing up?” I ask her as she looks at me as if I must be joking.
“Yep…Still am actually…although it has calmed down a bit. Usually when I had the morning sickness pretty bad….you would be gone for the day…either at the office or running your errands. And when I have it while your home…I was pretty good at hiding it….that is until now.” She laughs as she walks away from me, kicking off her heels and slowly sitting on the couch. I walk over by her and kneel in front of her as I place my hands on her thighs, before looking at her flat stomach and smiling widely.
“We’re going to have a baby…And I absolutely cannot wait!” I laugh as she bites her lip, trying to stop her smile.
“Well that makes both of us…I have a question for you though? Was I this sick with Belle when I was pregnant with her because I seriously don’t seem to be handling this little one too well.” I look up at her and I want to shrug, because the truth is I don’t really know at all.
“Well sweetie….I’m assuming you were but I can’t be sure. I know you were deeply sick with the last one that….you…were….” I stop myself, thinking maybe this may be hurtful information and as I watch her face, it seems to be taking its effect. She stands up from the sofa, pulling away my hands that are begging her to remain seated. She crosses her arms and walks to the balcony as she stares out and all I can do is drop my head and curse myself for bringing that up. I slowly rise to my feet as I try to think of something else to say but I can’t even find the right words. “Baby…Sweetie….look I’m sorry for bringing that up….why don’t we go upstairs and let me tuck you into bed so you could get some rest…okay?” I suggest, not really knowing what to say or do anymore. I see her shake her head as she drops it for a second, and then I hear those painful sniffles that tear at my heart. I reach out to her, trying to bring her near me, but she pulls away and cries a little more.
“I don’t even know why I am crying…I don’t know if it’s because I feel the loss of that child or if it’s because I had hurt you. Either way…it’s killing me inside and I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t try to cover up the pain with this new baby on the way….I was doing that and until you mentioned it and now I just feel this enormous sense of pain….guilt….and I don’t know how to deal with it.” She begins to shake and her cries have now become deeper and broken. It takes only a few minutes until I watch her breakdown in front of me, desperate to run away from the torment she is drowning in. I reach for her and pull her into my arms, burying her face into my chest as she sobs uncontrollably, her arms wrapped around me tightly and her hands in tight fists. I rub her hair and her back and I slowly rock our bodies, hoping to calm her down before she becomes hysterical. Once I notice that her cries have somewhat relaxed, I reach down and snatch her up into my arms, carrying her to our bedroom upstairs. She rests her head along my shoulder as I take her to the room, her tears still falling but her sobs now silent.
As we reach the room, I lay her down along the bed as I walk back and close our door. I slowly start undoing her dress and pulling the beige silk material from her body and place it gently along the sheets while I grab her nightgown and place it over her head and onto her body. Once I removed all of the items she had been wearing, I pull back the sheets and place her body underneath them, tucking her in under the soft down comforter. I kiss her forehead as I beg her to rest and close her eyes…knowing she needs her sleep. Once I notice that her eyes have closed, I grab her dress and hang it up in the closet and then tuck away her jewelry and intimate apparel away in dressers and cabinets. I stare at her from across the room, and I send a silent prayer to heaven that this pregnancy goes well and that our dreams of happiness and contentment may finally come true.
These past few weeks I have been walking around Marlena as if I were walking on eggshells. I don’t want to say anything that may upset her and I have been so careful on choosing the words I use around her. To tell you the truth I am afraid that she may go into some hysterical phase and that would put her and the baby in danger. Right now my biggest fear is to lose her again…and my nightmare would be losing this baby. I don’t know what I would do if we lost this baby….I don’t know how she would deal with it….would it push her further into her already amnesia state? All these questions circle in my mind and I pray to God everyday that he guides us through all this with flying colors.
Marlena has been quiet around me, I think she too is beginning to feel terrible about the situation. I’m hoping it’s the hormones but something tells me its not and that it’s definitely the depression getting to her. She has become a different person since that very day she told me she was pregnant. I remember as if it were only a few hours ago, the way she looked as she told me that she was pregnant, the gleam in her eyes, the sparkle on her skin….she was happy and I was too. And today she has become someone I don’t even really know, shutting me and the whole world out again. Even when we make love, or when we made love….it’s just not the same. I didn’t get a chance to make love to her that night she told me she was pregnant because of her breakdown and that much I understood and I respected the decision, after all it was my choice. But I did make love to her a few days after that, and it just wasn’t that passionate, loving feeling….it almost felt as if it were habit…a necessity…and that is something that my wife and I have never experienced or ever wanted to. And I know that it was her I was making love to…but it wasn’t my wife…It wasn’t my Marlena, the woman carrying my unborn child, the passionate and wild goddess in my world. As I lay on top of her, pushing myself further into her body, I watched her, she showed so little emotion…her eyes hardly closed in pleasure, her moans never broke the silence, her legs barley squeezed to my hips, and her hands hardly caressed the skin of my back or body. And even after we were done and I gathered myself, I would pull her close to me, but she would remove my arms and turn to her side, pulling the blankets to her and closing her eyes, crying….as if I have somehow molested her in someway. As you can imagine, I was in shock, feeling such an overwhelming pain in my heart. I kept asking myself the question if I had hurt her in anyway, what had I done….what should I have done. I begged for her to tell me but she continued to cry, refusing to let her body rest against mine. From then on, I haven’t made love to her, unable to take the throbbing torment of watching her suffer.
So I sit here on the balcony, watching the clouds in the sky as they turn and twist into different shapes. I have given Marlena the space she silently had been asking for, and I can tell she appreciates it in someway…even if she doesn’t speak it. As I stare at the sky I feel her hands run across my shoulders and I turn around abruptly, confused about what the hell is going on. She jumps back slightly as she lets out a smile, holding her hands up in defense.
“Woah…I didn’t mean to scare you.” She smiles at me and I know she can tell that I am staring at her as if she has three heads, because she drops her gaze to the ground and mutters before an uncomfortable silence takes over. I hear her mumble and I search for her face, hoping she makes eye contact with me. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything I have been putting you through.” She finally looks up at me and her tears flow freely from her eyes. I want to reach out and touch her but I hold myself back, not sure on how she would react. I don’t even know what to say to her, I’m so confused right now….what if I don’t say the right words….will she go back into hiding?
“Well you needed your space…” That’s the best I could come up with….a simple statement….and in my opinion it was so cold….but what else should I say….what if I say something wrong. She shakes her head at me as she takes a deep breath.
“I can’t control what I’m feeling….I can’t control this agony I’m in! So I lock up….shut out the world and everyday it feels like I am falling deeper into this hole of depression and everyday it seems to get harder to get out of. I don’t know what to do anymore….I don’t know who I am and where I’m going! How can I be a good mother when I can’t even remember my life….my memories…my past!” She drops her face into her hands and I just can’t take it anymore, I pull her to me and hold her as if she were part of my body. I feel her hands slide up and down my chest and I glance down at her, noticing that of lust in her eyes. I shake my head as I kiss her forehead…mumbling against her skin that we can’t.
“Why?” She asks me, almost as if she were begging me. I pull back and look at her, making sure she not only hears but sees what I am saying.
“Because when I made love to you last time….you traumatized me….the way you acted, the way you cried and backed away from me….Marlena! That was such a horrible feeling and I don’t ever want to have to go through that again or see the pain in your face while I’m trying to love you.” I let go of her arms as I pull back and take a seat again in the soft cushioned chair, trying to stare at the city around me and not into her eyes, but all my hopes are lost as she slides onto my lap, pulling my face up to look at her.
“I’m sorry that I did that….like I said I don’t know what is wrong with me….I need help baby…And I’m going to need you right there by my side guiding me the whole way…because I can’t do it without you.” I hear the urgent pleading in her tone, and I can’t deny anything to her….whatever she wants I will give to her….she is my life. “I need you baby….please.” She whispers in my ear as I feel her teeth gently tug on the skin before she sucks the skin so softly. I close my eyes as my hands unconsciously slide to her hips, bringing her closer to me. “I want you John…” I hear her moan and I fight the urge to rip her clothes off right here in the bright daylight on our balcony. I slowly push her off my lap as I stand up and bring her body to mine, snatching her mouth with mine. I pull her inside and quickly look around the room, wondering where to take her….the bedroom is too far…the living room is too open….what if my daughter comes in…the doors and drapes are wide open and closing them is too much of a task….and then it hits me….the den in the back….where the soft leather couches are…the dim lighting…no windows…a big screen TV….perfect! I grab her and pull her with me as she begins to laugh, asking where we are going. No sooner after we reached the room, I grab her body and pin her down on the leather, kissing her hard and biting her neck. I pull the black shirt over my head and throw it behind me as I lift her leg and kiss her bare ankle. She watched me with heavy eyes and I know that my old Marlena is back and right now….at this moment…is all that matters.
I grab her thigh hard as I pull it closer to my hip, holding her still and forcing her to remain in one spot. She smiles up at me as I bite my lower lip, hoping she doesn’t try to pull anything right now. I suck in a deep breath, hoping to get rid of this feeling of exploding…and the sad part is we haven’t even begun anything at all. The farthest I’ve got is removing our clothing and I was about to take it to the next step when she placed her soft lips along my neck, sucking it softly….and then I just lost all concentration. So here I am, pinning her down, holding her legs to me, forcing her body away from mine, until this feeling passes. I pull away my body and wrap my hand around her tiny ankle, pulling it to my mouth and sucking the skin there once again. She laughs at me, trying to wiggle her leg back but I hold it tight and continue to kiss her, letting my kisses travel up her slender leg. My mouth sucks the soft skin on her inner thigh and I hear her gasp loudly as she bites her lip and clenches her fingers against the leather.
“Stop John….Just Do This…Take me right now!” She whispers to me as I lean back over her and kiss her lips. I now am comfortable with going forward with our plan, the feeling of orgasm now long gone. I grab myself and lead it to her warm and welcoming entrance. I look into her eyes as I slip into her warm moistness, and take another deep breath as the feeling comes rushing right back. I shut my eyes as I slip in a little further, now grabbing both her thighs hard as she gasps and I assume winces as well. I want to open my eyes but this passion that I am severely drowning in, won’t allow me the simple favor. I feel her slender hands skim along my abs as she pushes me back a bit, silently telling me to take it easy. It’s amazing how much I know her, without ever muttering a single word to each other and knowing exactly what we’re thinking. I open my eyes for a second as I pull out of her a little bit and let her accept me, hoping she does really quickly too. After a moment or two, I push back in slowly, feeling her soft walls wrap around me tightly. I close my eyes again and lean over her body, wanting to fall hard on her. Her hands have found their way through my hair and have now begun yanking the thick strands as her breathing increases.
“Christ Marlena….Release a little bit…” I breathe into her neck as I hear her moan in my skin, while her leg wraps around my hip.
“I’m trying….Oh!” God that moan sounded good….maybe she is finally relaxing. I push my hips further into her as her hands skim down my back. Her hips rise and clash against mine and that is all the encouragement I need. Before I know it, our bodies are going against one another hard and fast….slamming against one another. It’s almost as if my soul has left my body and I am watching what we are doing….as I roll my body into hers. She screams my name and I fight to gain control, my pace now becoming way too fast. Her nails scratch along my skin and I push myself off her body as one of my hands reach for hers and slam it to the leather, gripping it tightly as I pound into her. I feel that sweet pleasure beginning to build in my stomach and I continue moving my forward into her sweetness, hearing the swishing sounds of us mixing together. I can’t control this passion any longer….I want to explode in her, fill her with my seed but I know she is not there yet….she hasn’t even tightened around me. I grab her by her waist and I stop my movements, pulling out of her wetness slowly. She opens her eyes as she watches me, wondering, confused and I silence her before she can even speak by kissing her lips.
“What’s the matter? Are you okay?” I ask her, wondering why she hasn’t even come close to orgasm. She smiles shyly as she drops her gaze to my manhood, watching as me as I unconsciously thrust back and forth, trying desperately to make some connection. She shuts her eyes and a moan falls past her lips as I watch her body shiver and become flush again.
“Put it in me….now…” She moans as I once again lead my member to her awaiting centre. I fill her to the max and I push in hard as she screams my name, reaching for my neck and shoving down on top of her. “Hard baby…Hard!” I slam into her nonstop as she grips my hair and bites my shoulder. I am about to lose this battle…with or without her and then I feel her snap around me tightly and a very audible moan fills the room. I hit her walls hard as the sound of our bodies rubbing against the leather fills my senses and her skin rubbing against mine sends me over the edge. I shout out as I feel my creamy liquid pour into her, spraying her walls with thick fluid. I drop my head into the crevice of her neck and shoulder and fight to regain control of my breathing. She breathes heavily too as her legs slide along my wet skin, caressing her silk against the roughness. After many minutes of basking in afterglow, I pull back and kiss her mouth, before looking into her eyes.
“Why were you having a hard time?”
She smiles as me again and turns her gaze to the side before looking back at me. “I guess it’s these hormones….they make it hard for you to concentrate or even orgasm. I use to have a real hard time with Belle…or at least that’s who I think I remember.”
“Really? Before….uh nevermind baby!” I kiss her, quickly dismissing the past, remembering that’s what set off our argument in the past weeks.
“I know what you were going to say and that’s okay sweetie. You were going to ask me about when I was pregnant before right? Well for one, you had no idea about the pregnancy and I had to hide that until I could tell you. I couldn’t risk you finding out or wondering what was wrong so I faked it….I faked it everytime.” She smiles softly as I stare at her, wondering.
“What do you mean you faked it? I would know….I can feel you tighten….don’t tell me you faked that too cause then I will always be wondering when we are in the middle….if you are or aren’t.” She laughs at me as I lean down and peck her lips.
“No I didn’t fake the tightening….I just never hit the full orgasm. I would begin too…it just takes a long time for me to build it….and you would be done by then.”
“Hmmmm…well I’m sorry baby….If I would have known….well I know now…so I’m going to pay very close attention. Question for you….what made you get all flushed and in the moment a few minutes ago.”
“I was staring at mmhmmm and it looked so so so good….hard….big….thick…wet…and I just pictured it inside me, rubbing along me and my body got all hot and I couldn’t control it….that’s why I told you to hurry before I lost it again.” I laugh at her as she smiles widely, before our mouths connect once again….enjoying this moment that we have.
I stare around the room, taking in everything about the waiting room that I am sitting in. I never did like these places…they are so cold and distant, kind of like a holding cell before you slip into the seventh circle of hell. I remember everytime one of the kids got sick….usually Marlena would take them but there were times that she couldn’t and I would have to step in. God I hated those moments….moments of agony….like a countdown before my spawns go into nervous breakdowns whether from shots, or just plain old doctors. Marlena was always better here anyways…after all she was a doctor…she knew how to deal with it better then I ever could. Fast forward to the present….I glance down at this magazine, flipping through pages and not really paying much attention. I place it back down on the coffee table and glance at my watch, wondering how much time has actually passed since Marlena went in the observation cubicle. I am angry at myself now for refusing to go in with her, even though I knew she wanted me to go in, I could tell by the way she was asking me….but I wasn’t crazy about going in there, at least not for this part of the check-up. Something about watching your wife lay on her back with her legs up, while some male doctor checks her in areas that I should only be allowed to see….really doesn’t appease me. And now I can only picture what he is doing….and even though I know this is his job…he sees these things everyday…and it just becomes habit…it still nerves me. God why must I be an idiot all the time….I should have just sucked it up. All my thoughts have vanished when I hear my name called as I glance up and see a nurse. I quickly stand to my feet as I walk to her, worried that something may be wrong.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, hoping that I am blessed with an encouraging answer.
“Well Mrs. Black would like to see you…if you’ll just follow me.” She smiles softly and turns around….so now my mind is racing with hundreds of questions, what if’s? What happened? Man I should have been in there with her….what was I thinking? The nurse knocks on the door softly as she opens it up slowly, telling my wife that she has what she was looking for. I slip in from behind the nurse as I smile as Marlena, who is now sitting up on the table, dressed in a gown, her hands tightly pressed in her lap. I hear the door close behind me as I walk up to my wife, reaching for her face as I can tell something isn’t right.
“Hey baby….What’s the matter? What’s with the long face?” I ask her, smiling softly and hoping to get a good answer.
“John I think something is wrong….The doctor was checking me and he said that he wanted to do an ultrasound now…just to be on the safe side.” I watch as a tear slides from her eye…and I reach out and swipe at it before she even reaches for it.
“Honey, that means nothing. He might just want to look and see if the baby is progressing normally. Don’t worry about….I’m here and everything is going to be okay…don’t cry okay sweetie?” I grab her hand and bring it in mine while I lean in and kiss the top of her head. We hear a knock at the door and a quick hello as the doctor reappears, shaking my hand and introducing himself before quickly walking to the machine and turning it on.
“Alright so I’m sure you both know this procedure….I was telling your wife that I want to do an ultrasound just to make sure everything is going smoothly, no complications and so forth. I was also explaining to Marlena and I’m sure you both have an idea that this pregnancy is high risk….which doesn’t mean this can’t go well with flying colors…we just have to pay close attention and monitor him or her very well. With that said….lets begin this procedure and if you have any questions or concerns at all…please ask away.” I look at Marlena and notice the slight fear in her eyes as we both nod. I kiss her head as the doctor applies some gel on her stomach and I assume it’s warm since she doesn’t jump much. “Not only has there been amazing advances with technology…we finally also learned to warm the gel up….it took a few decades though.” He laughs as he prepares the machine and grasps the handle while we smile. He places the device on her stomach as he begins to move it around slowly, trying to get a good picture on the screen. We hear the heartbeat as I laugh a bit, filling up with pure joy after hearing my child’s heartbeat. This is the first time that I have ever experienced this with my wife….and I must say…it’s a priceless moment. I look down at her and she smiles too…a few tears falling….but tears of happiness. I hear a sigh and notice the doctor’s face as he struggles to see the screen clearly. My smile fades as I try to get Marlena’s attention….almost as if I’m trying to distract her form what we’re about to hear….but as I look at her closely…she already has caught on.
“What’s the matter? What’s wrong?” I place a gentle hand over hers as I tell her to relax for a minute and to take it easy. The doctor closes his eyes as he turns the screen to us and tells us to look closely. He points at the small figure…our child…and then zooms in a bit.
“There seems to be a problem…but I think we may be able to progress the situation.” Panic fills me and I do everything in my power not to breakdown and stay strong for my wife. I watch as he points at the screen again and then pause’s it…removing the device from her flat stomach. He sits down and removes his gloves, throwing it in the trash beside him before placing his hands in his lap. “The baby appears to have a slight hole in its heart…which means the heart hasn’t fully developed. Now this doesn’t mean we can’t do anything right now. We can start giving you some steroids….which should boost up the development and keep a close eye. I have a strong feeling and with my experience in situations like this…95% of the time, everything goes perfectly.”
“And what if it doesn’t? What happens then?” I ask nervously…afraid of what the answer may be.
He gives a small sigh and raises his eyebrows a bit and then takes a deep breath. “Then you have some decisions to make. But when we get there…correction…if we even get there…we’ll go through it.”
“I want to know now!” I hear my wife’s voice and I turn to her, grasping her hand again, as if silently telling her to remain calm.
“Marlena…don’t work yourself up….I need you especially to remain strong for this baby. If you don’t then it won’t be good for him or her at all.”
“I need to know what may be the decisions we may face. Please…I need to know.” She practically begs and I nod to the doctor, telling him to go ahead and say it.
“You would probably have to decide whether you chose to have this baby, accepting that there will be complications later and the high chance of it not surviving till birth or even after birth….or……. having an abortion.” He whispers the last part and I close my eyes in pain, squeezing my wife’s hand. I look over at her as her mouth is slightly dropped and her eyes are in shock, tears beginning to form….and disbelief written on her face. My wildest dreams that had come true…was now fading into a nightmare and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I stare out at the city from our balcony, thoughts of our future flashing and passing. It has been a few weeks and my wife has been under extreme surveillance by the doctors, watching what she is eating, hitting her up with steroids, medication left and right, forced to be bed ridden for the future months that lay ahead. I dip my head down and wonder to myself, ‘was all this really worth it….is it worth it?’…I shake my head and give a smile…what am I saying….of course it is…here is our chance to have our family again…something I have been dying to have since my life began with Marlena. I close my eyes as I feel a lone tear fall from my eye, the pain in my heart swelling throughout my whole body. I turn around slowly and walk back into our home, shutting the balcony doors and glancing up the stairs….the stairs that will lead me to my wife who has been restricted to be anywhere other then our bed. I slowly move myself over to the stairs as I climb then slowly…making my way to her.
I open our door softly, making sure not to disturb her in anyway. But she has heard me and opens her eyes slowly, looking at me before closing them and letting a few tears fall from them. My heart breaks as all I want to do is take this moment of pain away…wishing to God that it was me who had to deal with something like this…but not her. I walk over to her and gently sit on the bed, reaching for her face and swiping at the tears that fell down her face.
“Hey….relax baby…take it easy and just rest…it will all be okay.” I whisper to her, trying my best to sound reassuring but deep down in my heart I know that isn’t true…I don’t think it will ever be the same. I honestly am not even having much hope that the medication is working for the baby….maybe it’s a defense mechanism….trying not convince myself it’s not so I won’t be let down later. She shakes her head slowly, a slight sob coming from her.
“John I am so scared….I hate this…I hate it so much. What have I done so wrongly that I have to be tortured like this.” This time she breaks down as her body shivers against the softness of the bed. I run my hand through her hair as I shush her, begging her to relax.
“You have done nothing wrong…this baby is going to be fine…and I need you to be strong for the baby, can you do that? Hmmm? But you have to stop crying and take it easy honey.” She looks up at me and wipes her tears with her hand as she nods before turning over and laying on her back, giving me more room to lie next to her. “You ready to see the doctor tomorrow?” I know she is not but I thought maybe we could discuss this issue. She nods and drops her head for a moment.
“I’m keeping it….end of story. There are so many modern technologies out there…this isn’t the end of the world. This baby is going to be the healthiest baby we have seen when it’s born.” I listen to her and I know she is trying to convince herself more then anyone else. I reach for her hand and pull it to me….kissing it and telling her that I love her. I tuck her in tightly with the comforter as I close my eyes and let myself rest along her, hoping to hide our fears away if only for a moment.
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“Are you sure this is what you want? You are going to accept that there may be some huge complications down the road?” She nods before I can even speak and grabs my hand, squeezing it, silently begging me for her support.
“Yes…We accept it all. We’ll never know what could have been if it ends now. If God wants me to have this baby, then he’ll let me carry this all the way through.” Her voice cracks as the doctor nods before motioning her to lay back. He lifts up her gown and places some gel on her stomach before applying the device down on her skin.
“Let’s see if it worked.” My eyes shut close I see the screen…hoping that the medication worked but when I hear his sigh…I know it hasn’t. He looks at me and Marlena and slowly shakes his head as Marlena cries, hiding her eyes with her hand. I lean down and hide my face by hers, whispering to her that everything will be fine…lets just take it one day at a time. He pulls the machine back and shuts it off before grabbing his clipboard and marking down some things. “Well here is the good thing…the baby’s heart is beating very strong, which means it’s a fighter… and everything seems to be looking good as well. The blood looks good…its moving around a lot…which is always a good sign….so I think an abortion would be definitely out of the question.” He smiles at us and my heart once again feels with happiness…relief…joy! “We are still going to keep a close monitor on you …and I am almost positive this kid is going to be the wildest of them all when it’s born.” Marlena laughs as she looks over at me while I smile back at her, rubbing her face in slow movements. “Alright well we are done here for now….Marlena I want see you back here in two weeks…and if something doesn’t seem to be going right…give me a call.” With that the doctor smiles and leaves us alone in the room as I glance at her quietly, smiling a bit. She gives me a weak smile before falling into my arms, overwhelmed by all she heard today, and most likely relieved by the news. I pull back and kiss her lips gently before urging her to change so we can head on home.
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I awake to the sound of screaming and I do not know why….I am startled beyond words. I throw myself from the bed as I take quick notice Marlena is no longer by my side and panic fills my body. I try to think clear but my judgment becomes clouded as the crying becomes louder and the screams, more painful. I run to the bathroom, almost positive that’s where the sound is coming from. As I reach the door, my body goes limp and there is not a thing I can do that could help this situation. The love of my life, the woman who completes me, who owns my entire being, my soul, my heart…..lies on the floor, crying her heart out. As I look at her, I notice all the blood that pools around her, the red liquid now covering the white tiled floor. I run to her, pulling her hard into my arms, desperate to help this situation in any way possible.
“What happened baby?” I ask hurriedly as she continued to sob loudly, grasping onto me for dear life.
“Oh God…help me….JOHN!” She screams and I freeze, completely helpless at this moment.
“Baby hold on….I’m gonna get you to a hospital!” I panic and try to move but she screams and holds onto me tightly!
“JOHN!!!!!!!”
I hold her body close to mine as her cries fill the bathroom, her face is buried into my upper arm as her hand tears at the skin on my hand….tugging, yanking, grasping in fear. I look all around us as we are surrounded in a pool of blood, her lower body drenched in it as my feet swim in the puddle. I know this baby is gone….how can it not be….by all this blood flowing from her body. My eyes are drowning in tears as I whisper in her head it is going to be alright, but I know its not….so why am I lying to her…and she knows its not alright either. I rock her gently as I tell her to let go of me so I can call an ambulance, but she screams, begging me not to leave her side. I fight this rage I have inside my body, this rage for God and this punishment he is giving us….haven’t we been through enough Damnit! I lean down and manage to pull her up into my arms…easily yet she is very slippery from all the blood that is pouring. I run to the bedroom with her as I lay her down for a moment and reach for the phone….my hand slipps off the phone and I drop it onto the carpeted floor. I grasp at it once more, this time dialing the three numbers as fast as I can. I hurriedly tell the dispatcher that we need an ambulance now….demanding someone be here immediately.
I throw the phone down as I look at Marlena, who cries and cries, grasping onto the pillows, afraid that her life is slipping away. I snatch the pillow from her and pull her into my arms, running out the room and down the stairs. She holds onto me tightly, begging me to help her and it breaks my heart in so many ways….in fact it tears it….knowing there is not a damn thing I can do to help this….God what did we do to you! I slam my elbow onto the button for the elevator as I try to encourage her to hold on a little more….help is on the way. The doors finally open and I run inside, slamming my elbow on the lobby button….yelling at the elevator to hurry up and go. If we’re going to have to wait for the ambulance, then we’ll meet them half way. I feel her head drop onto my neck as her whimpering has now come to a stop. I panic and rock her gently in my arms, calling her name but to avail. She fails to respond and I scream at the top of my lungs….my soul burning in flames, my eyes drowning in tears, and my body dying in overwhelming pain. The doors open and I run into the lobby, finding some sort of chair, any chair and placing her down in it. I grab her face and gently try to shake her up, hoping to see those beautiful hazel eyes….but the more I try….the more I am let down. As I drop my head in pain, I hear the paramedics as they run in and push me aside, grabbing Marlena and observe her. The quickly grab her and place her onto the stretcher, asking me what had happened. I think to myself, what idiots….they are here to get paid for this shit and they can’t put two and two together….but then again….she could have fell…and they are just doing their jobs.
“She’s pregnant….please help her.” I whisper…barely able to find my voice in this horrible situation. They nod and strap her in and they rush her out the lobby, with me quickly on their heels. I watch helplessly as they begin poking, probing, and strapping her with injections, IVs, heart monitors oxygen. My life has now officially ended as her heart monitor becomes weak and unstable…barley skipping any lines or jumping. I close my eyes as this terrible headache overwhelms me and I drop my head into my hands and cry, cry like a baby needing its mother, cry like I never have before. Within minutes, she is rushed from the truck to the emergency room and I am forced to wait outside, against my will. I slam my fist into a nearby wall and lean my head onto it, waiting for the horrible news that will devastate not only me, but my wife…if she makes it through this ordeal.
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I open my eyes as I feel this excruciating pain traveling throughout my body. I must have blocked out because I have no idea why I am even here, or why I would be in an emergency room, what happened and why? I try to focus on my surroundings but I can’t and all I could really make out is the sound of nurses and doctors, shouting all around me. What the hell is going on? And then it hits me….I remember! I feel as if I am about to faint again when someone reaches and holds my hand. Their face becomes blurry and my head becomes heavy and as hard as I try to focus….I just can’t.
“We’re losing her again!” Those words filled my head and it takes all my strength to lift my hand from theirs and to place it on my stomach.
“M….mmaaa….my….b..bbb….baby?” I ask….barely able to even speak and I am quickly silenced as a mask goes over my nose and mouth, constantly being told to breathe. I watch as my legs are risen and placed on a stirrup…or some kind of a metal of some sort. I glance up at the ceiling and am almost shocked to see there are mirrors above us. Where are we at….the Sybris! A hotel for lovers….Come on Marlena…this is no time to joke…pull it together….Oh My God…My baby! I feel with panic again and I hear the monitors going nuts…my blood pressure is rising! I watch as the doctors shove their hands here and there and my body tenses in pain as I shut my eyes…the pressure is unbelievably painful. My eyes slowly open again and I see all the blood that pours out and their hands shoving themselves roughly into my captivity. I scream in excruciating pain as I try to move my legs from the stirrups, but they are quickly held back down by nurses.
“S…t…o…p!” I try to scream but I am suffocating with this oxygen. I feel them shove something sharp up me and I scream once again…unable to handle this anymore. What the hell are they doing to me and to my baby!
I turn my head to the side and I notice a tall figure that just walked in…Oh God….another pain….help me God…please!
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I am beyond shocked at the sight I see before me as my wife lay along the table, her slender legs being help down by two nurses as blood continues to pour endlessly from her body. The doctors hands are dripping in red liquid as they try endlessly to stop the bleeding…while their faces are telling me otherwise. It’s over…isn’t it.
I look back at my wife and I think she recognizes me now as she tries to move her hand towards me, reaching for me, weakly. I walk up to her as I reach for her hand and pull it to me, kissing her head and whispering for her to take it easy. Her tears fall down as I swipe at them…motioning her to breathe a little bit. I glance up at the doctors as they look at each other and then look at me and then at Marlena, who at the moment has her eyes closed. They shake their heads and look at me sadly.
“I’m sorry Mr. Black…Mrs. Black….its over. Unfortunately we couldn’t save the baby…I’m so very sorry.” I shut my eyes as I break down for a moment, while Marlena opens her eyes a bit and looks over at me.
“Wwwwhat….” She stutters and I quickly grab her hand tightly as I lean down and kiss her head softly before crying.
“Ohhh baby….OH God….I’m sorry baby….” I cry hard as I hear her gasp as her grip tightens around my hand.
“No! God….NO….please…..” She cries as she tries to move but I hold her down….calming her.
“Baby…don’t move….your not finished here….” I whisper as the doctors give a silent thank you, before going back to work on her.
“They…done….enough!!!!!” She screams as she breaks down as well, her pain now much more then just physical…now extremely emotional.
“Sweetie…just lay back…”
“JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I felt as my world just crashed and died as I hold my wife as tight as possible, unable to control this sobbing, while I bury my face into her hair. She cries hard as she no longer tries to conceal her screams and sobs and just lets herself go. Her body shakes in my arms as she constantly repeats the words ‘her baby’. For a moment, I am hurt, this is my baby too….but I know she means no harm by that….for God sake….she is drowning in sorrow here. I move my face from her blonde hair and look at her, tears running down her face and her eyes shut in devastating pain. I try to wipe her tears but she slaps my hand away and cries again. I close my eyes and drop my gaze to the floor, refusing to believe this is actually happening. I hear my name….repeatedly calling over and over… and for some reason, I can’t even look up….its like this imaginary force preventing me too. I grab Marlena’s hand…squeezing the life from it as I try to look up…but I can’t…and that’s when I realize it’s her voice. And its calm…and relaxed….that doesn’t make any sense though.
I slowly open my eyes as the whole room goes dark….completely dark…Oh God…have I died….has she? What the hell is happening here, her hand is no longer in mine….I begin to shake and start moving my hands around to find something, anything. It is then that I feel the gentle skin of hand as it grabs mine once again…tugging it. I whisper her name as she whispers my name back….I am so confused right now….I ask her what is happening and I hear her breathe slowly before responding to me.
“What do you mean?” She asks softly as I fight to get closer to wear her arm is extending from. And then a light hits me….a soft light and dances along the features of my face. I blink my eyes quickly, trying to focus on anything….I have to know what’s going on.
I blink once more and notice her….she is laying down on her side….looking at me concerned yet confused….but her look is peaceful and gentle, and her hand is still gripped onto mine.
“Marlena?” I ask as I lift my head from the pillow that I am suddenly lying on. She smiles a bit as she asks what’s wrong. I sit up quickly, my hand quickly leaving hers and wiping the sweat that is all over my face and neck. She slowly pulls herself up onto her elbow and then her hand, while leaning by me and touching my head. “Honey, are you alright? What’s the matter?”
“Marlena? What’s going on here?” I ask as I jump back a little bit, afraid of what the hell is happening.
“Sweetie, what do you mean? You are having just a little nightmare…its ok baby.” She whispers to me in the softest voice…and I try and shake my head….no it can’t be a nightmare…it was so real…I seen what was happening…I knew how Marlena was feeling…her pain…what she was saying…wait how is that possible though….no what If this is a nightmare…a soothing nightmare that tells me all is okay when really its not. I watch her as she pushes the comforter back a little bit and gets closer to me, putting her arms around me and holding me. I hesitate for a moment and refuse to believe this…but when I feel her hands skim down my back and through my hair…I know this is real. I wrap my arms around her tightly as I cry into her hair….kissing her head and neck gently. “Want to talk about it baby?” I hear her soft voice ask me and I shake my head, continuing to kiss her neck a little here and there.
“No…no…” I mumble into her skin….she doesn’t have to know this…not right now…she doesn’t need anymore stress…not now. I hear her ask me if I am sure and I nod…trying to forget about what just happened myself. “I don’t want to talk right now…” I whisper to her as I pull back a little bit and lean in to kiss her lips softly. Our lips touch in the most gentlest of kisses as I hear her give a small moan. I pull back and glance into her eyes, I know she sees the lust building in me and trust me when I say the last thing I want to do is make love to her, not after a dream like this….but I think she wants to…cause her eyes grow dark and her eyelids become heavy as she leans back in to kiss me. Maybe I should give into her….love her….maybe that would somehow relieve me from this torment I feel….this really bad feeling that is beginning to boil within my soul. I clasp onto her mouth as I suck her lower lip tenderly, before moving our mouths against one another. I slip my tongue past her soft and sweet lips and dart around in search for hers, desperately needing to feel the sweet sensation. She tilts her head back and gives me further access, causing me to lean us down onto the soft mattress. My hands roam her body as I constantly kiss her with an undying passion…My god I am so fearful of losing her….I cannot lose her….I don’t know what I would do if I ever did again.
It seems like I am in a dream, some kind of daze that is preventing me from thinking straight. Time seems to be stopped or frozen…and I don’t have clue as to what is happening anymore. Her moans are what snap me from my daze and I am shocked to realize that I am inside her body and we already have begun making love. How long have I been daydreaming for….I glance around quickly and notice our clothing thrown on the floor, our bodies heated and beginning to sweat, her legs arched and dancing along my torso. I look up and notice my hands that are pinning hers tightly within mine, hiding beneath the pillow just a bit above us. I want to stop….the image of her losing the baby is creeping back and haunting my mind but I feel her move, her body clenches me tightly and I grunt, shutting my eyes and biting my lower lip. From that point on, I refuse to stop and I continue to love her, passionately and a tad bit rough.
My name is constantly being whispered and moaned out, and I kiss her gently, urging her to hold on just a bit more. Within minutes we lay in the afterglow, while I hold her against me, kissing her and rubbing my fingers along her silk skinned arm. I hear her ask me softly about my nightmare and I whisper for her to forget about that for now…tonight is not the time…tomorrow we shall discuss it. She nods against my chest and begins to yawn as I laugh, asking if I wore her out.
“You always do John! You know just how I want it and where I like it.” She smiles and turns away from me, cuddling the pillow to her. “Goodnight baby.” She says softly as I lean over and kiss her head.
“Goodnight my love. Sleep well.” I mumble in her hair as she takes a deep breath.
“You too honey…John?”
“Yeah?” I ask softly.
“If you have another nightmare….please wake me…so I can comfort you.” She says quietly and softly, something tells me she is half asleep already.
“I will honey…go to sleep….I love you!” I say to her as my hand begins to skim along her bare back.
“I love you too.” She whispers….and with that she is out. I cuddle against her and hope for the best for the remainder of the night. I pray that our child will be okay and that Marlena and I will be just fine. God can’t be this cruel to us….not this time…for what have we done. I have been a good husband…she has been a great wife…we have been wonderful parents…excellent grandparents….incredible Uncle and Aunts. Please God….please guide us to a happy life…like we once had….we deserve that much. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath and within moments…I am too gone for the night.
I stare at some papers on my desk and am completely lost at the moment about what I am suppose to be doing. I really should have been paying attention to what Kate was saying before I shooed her out of my office. I glance at the picture on my desk and stare at the beauty who is glancing back at me. I rub my finger along the glass, almost as if I am touching the skin on her face. I cannot concentrate….It is much too hard too….she is on my mind constantly. I lean over and pick up the phone, calling her at home, just to make sure she is alright. I know she is sick of me calling her 24/7, in fact she is half the time pissed off with me for keeping constant surveillance on her…but I know it’s the hormones talking and not her. She finally picks up after the fourth ring and she doesn’t even say hello…. she plainly states ‘Yes John, I am fine’. I laugh out loud, taking a deep breath before speaking.
I can’t help my over protectiveness, she is just about due soon. Eight and half months have passed and I am so ready for this little one to join us soon. My heart swells at the thought of it coming soon and I get all jumpy. The doctors are also her constant monitors as well….she is in and out the doctors office every week…. making sure everything is progressing. The best news we got is that the baby’s heart began to heal beautifully…and that there should be a problem at all. There was only a tiny dot of a hole left to close…and even if it didn’t….the baby would still be perfectly healthy and fine. Her size is great too….she is not too big and not really that small either….she honest to God looks like she swallowed a ball…cause she is all belly…her frame is the same….her legs are still slender and shaped….her arms, face…everything is the same from before…well except her boobs….My God…do I love those….they were fine before but now…man am I in heaven these days. I laugh to myself as she asks me what is so funny and I quickly come up with an excuse, saying that I saw something funny on the internet….lame I know but I can’t tell her the truth. So I check up with her, making sure all is good and if she is resting, you know the usual chit chat. She mentions that we have three more weeks to go and then its baby time…and I can hear the happiness in her voice…she is ready. Surprisingly, we have had no complications or false alarms, or a surprise at all….the pregnancy has been going very well and she has been carrying it perfectly.
So I tell her to rest and I will be home shortly and tell her that I love her before hanging up the phone. I begin to read the papers again when my phone rings and my assistant buzzes that Kate needs to see me right away. I give a moan and tell the secretary I will be right there before slamming my pen down and walking out of the office.
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I get off the elevator as I adjust my tie while walking into the lobby of Basic Black. I stop and make some small chit chat with the receptionist…Alissandra…I think it is…and she asks me how Marlena is doing. I smile as I tell her that she is already beginning to dilate and she is on 1 ½ so far and stationed at -2 but I think I may have lost the girl…because she looks at me and says okay. I leave and go to my office and place my briefcase down while going to the mirror and fixing my tie again. Before I left the house….Marlena had some last minute plans for me….she has been having some roller coaster hormones lately and let me tell you…not fun at all. So I was about to leave this morning….all dressed in my suit and giving her a kiss goodbye…but….I was pinned to the wall and attacked with a carnal kiss. In other words….I was raped…badly…and I didn’t even have time to take off my suit…It was kind of like throw off the jacket, unbuckle the pants, loosen the tie but leaving it on with the shirt and pinning her against the wall. And I honestly have not been having this much sex in a long time…since when I was trying to get her pregnant and I don’t think we have were doing that as much as we are now. She said doing this all the time makes the baby drop faster and speeds up the process…at the rate we have been going…this baby should have been out already…awhile ago. Not that I am complaining though…the sex has been phenomenal…better then I can remember. We have been doing anything and everything…hard and soft…wild and sweet…passionate and kinky….you name it…it has been done.
So this morning, even though I was raped…it was the best sex. I sigh and smile as I finish adjusting my tie and head over to my desk where I open the brief case and begin pulling papers out. I glance at my watch and notice the time, knowing I have to get to a meeting now. I grab what I have to grab and hurry on out to Kate’s office, grabbing her and shooting down to the conference room area.
A few hours pass and I am still in this god for saking meeting…and I am really trying to remain focused here. I just finished speaking to a room full of board members and finally sit down for a few minutes. I hear the door behind us open and I feel a tap on my shoulder, causing me to glace up.
“Mr. Black…I need to speak with you in private.” She asks me and I wonder what the hell is going on. I nod and look at Kate who seems confused and I give a small shrug before getting up and following Alissandra out the door. We reach the lobby as I glance at my receptionist who seems somewhat uncomfortable about something.
“Ali what’s up?” I ask her, hoping its not an issue that could have waited….but I am grateful to her for pulling me from this boring ass meeting.
“Your wife called….she is in labor.” My eyes must have bulged out of my head because Ali smiles at me and holds my hand, the hand that I placed on her arm as I looked around the room.
“Is she at home? Is she going to the hospital? Should I pick her up? Is she at the hospital?” I ask away as Ali smiles at me.
“She says she is at home….and she is just waiting it out a bit but the contractions are starting to come a little more often.” I smile as I begun to walk away, before turning around and explaining that I will be out for an unknown amount of time but I will be checking in and so forth. I realize I am rambling to my receptionist as she smiles and tells me to go. Before I know it, I am running through my house and calling for Marlena, checking each room only to notice that she has been on the terrace all this time. I walk over to her as she has her eyes closed and she is breathing in and out, with one hand behind on her lower back as the other hand rubs her stomach in tiny circles.
“Are you okay sweetie?” I ask as I get down on one knee and place my hands over her hand on her stomach. She takes a final breath and slowly opens her eyes before looking towards me.
“Mmmmm I am not doing so well….mmmm….they are coming a bit harder.” She breathes softly as I pull myself up.
“Alright well let’s go then…let’s get you to the hospital.” I tell her as I reach for her hands and pull her up gently. I smile to myself…knowing there is no turning back now…this little one is on it’s way here….
Oh My God… .I have no idea how much more I can take of this… .Jesus… someone please stop this pain! I am seriously about to roll over and die… .either that or pass out… .I can’t tell which. Ahh wait… .its finally going… .ohhh the pain is leaving… .Thank God for small favors. I feel my hair get pushed away from my face as his lips skim along my forehead. I close my eyes and let out a weak smile, not really wanting to push him away… .but trust me… what I feel like doing to him right now, might not be appropriate. I could shoot him, strangle him with my own bare hands… .suffocate him with this pillow I am laying on. Oh not another one… .breathe Mar… just breathe… .in and out… slowly… .oh God… .No… No. I feel John’s hand in mine and I squeeze the living hell out of it… .If I have to deal with this painful shit… then so will he… or at least some fraction of it. I hear the machines beeping loudly as the contractions hit their highest point and I scream… .I can’t hold in the silence anymore. Why in the world would someone invent a machine that beeps aloud as the pain increases… .what were they thinking… are they nuts?I watch her as she breathes hard to keep up with what seems to be one painful ass contraction. I want to remove my hand from hers but I can’t, her grip is too damn strong and she is squeezing me to death here. I’m sure my fourth ring finger is bleeding by now… and if its not… .its about too. I feel so bad for my wife… she is really struggling and there isn’t much I can do to help her. She refused drugs… .in case they have a bad effect on the baby… .and epidural she is still up in the air for her… and she better decide quick before its too late. She is starting to cry a little bit and my heart is breaking as I watch her tears fall slowly down her face. I wipe them and kiss the top of her head, urging her to take a deep breath and that it’s almost over.
She swears at me to keep my mouth shut as she breathes heavily, while I stare at the machine, watching it slow down again. She finally lets out an exhausted breath as she falls back onto the pillow and releases my hand, wiping the sweat from her forehead.”I’m thirsty John… ” She whispers to me as I look around for the ice chips to give her. I finally get them and place one in her mouth, watching her suck it gently as she closed her eyes for a moment. I hear a knock at the door as one of the nurses introduces herself before explaining that she would be with us for a while, monitoring and so forth. She walks over to the machine and checks the vitals in the past few minutes as she smiles a bit before glancing and me and Marlena.”Looks really good. I think we may be seeing a baby here shortly.”
I look at Marlena as I kiss her head and whisper what the nurse just said.”I’m not deaf John… .” I hear her sarcasm and I laugh, knowing she is not in the best of moods right now. Her eyes shut tightly as she moans out a bit and reaches for my hand, squeezing it as she tries to breathe. I whisper into her ear… .soothing her in the best possible way I now how, but I don’t think she is listening at the moment. I hear her cry as she takes another deep breath before opening her eyes a bit more.”Alright Marlena, Let’s see how far you are girl?” I laugh at the nurse as she tries to keep the mood relaxed but my wife is anything but relaxed… .in fact I think she just looked at the nurse as if she was going to kill her.This bitch is calling me girl as if she knows me, she doesn’t know me, she knows nothing about me… .Ugh I can stand the way I feel right now. She is poking at my leg, trying to get me to open them… .if I could slap her too right now… I would. I close my eyes as I open my legs to her and I feel the all too familiar sensation of her fingers slipping into my captivity and pushing and probing around. I wince as I feel her push harder with her fingers against my tissue and it takes all my strength not to lift up my foot and kick her with it. I open my eyes as I feel her pull the sheet back over my legs and remove the glove she had on, while explaining all the mumbo jumbo that John has no clue on, but he is nodding his head as if he does. I know the minute she leaves, he is going to lean over and ask me what she just said. “Marlena, you are dilated till 7… so you are moving up there pretty quick. The baby is crowning and right now you seem to be stationed at 0… which means in a little bit we’re going to start the pushing stage.” I hear her but I’m ignoring her… .I know where I am at… I can feel it all over my body… this pain is letting me know exactly how far I am right now. “So what are we going to do about this epidural? You’re getting up there and technically we should have given it to you a while ago… so… that means you don’t have much time left? What do you want to do?” I open my eyes and give her a look of death right now as I simply nod.”Yeah… I need it now.”
She smiles and pats my leg and starts rambling about how she knew I wasn’t going to make it. That’s it… .I am about to jump from this bed and beat her ass. I feel John’s hand as he rubs my arm and thanks her while she winks at him and closes the door. Great now this skank wants my husband too… .what kind of a hospital do I work in? Bunch of whores all around this place.”Marlena baby… do you need anything?” He asks me and I look at him before answering him in complete sarcasm.”Unless you plan on having this baby… then no.” I know I am being mean… .but I can’t help the way I feel right now. I feel another pain and flinch as I close my eyes and grab onto the frame on the bed… breathing and moaning. Oh please epidural… come very soon… .I don’t think I can handle this anymore. I feel myself falling into hell and there is not a thing I can do to prevent this pain… .I am too old for this shit… why did I agree to this… what am I an idiot? I hear constant beeping and my blood pressure skyrockets from all the anger that fills my body. I want to rip this IV from my arm… .these wires hooked all over… this device that is taped to the inside of my thigh and the wires that travel through female area.
I am just so irritable right now… I cannot even handle this.I watch my wife closely as well as the monitor and I notice the baby’s heart rate shoots up… .it must be angry too. I hear the door open as another nurse comes in and smiles, watching the monitor and grabbing a latex glove and some packet of lube. She dips her fingers in it and waits until the contraction finishes before asking Marlena to open her legs for her, while she checks what’s happening.”I know someone just checked you not that long ago… but it seems the baby’s heart rate is going up and we have to see where you are at. I just want to make sure the baby’s head is crowning because if not… we are going to have to move you in some positions.” She explains to us and I nod while Marlena bites her lip and closes her eyes. The nurse pulls her hand away and quickly removes and discards the piece of latex as she slowly sits on the edge of the bed. She grabs a cloth and carefully adjusts the device on Marlena’s thigh before wiping some away some blood that is dripping down. Once she finishes, she pulls the sheet back down and pats Marlena on her leg. “Okay I want to turn you to your side… maybe we will be able to get this thing moving quicker… speed up the process.” The nurse and I quickly help Marlena as we turn her gently to her side as Marlena grips the pillow while the machine beeps that the baby’s heart beat rose. “It’s ok… the little one is a little ticked right now from the movement but it’ll get accustomed to this in just a second. How do you feel?”
Marlena nods as she whispers fine while the burse asks me to get the oxygen mask that is hanging and place it on Marlena. “I just want you to breathe in that for awhile, get some oxygen before the pushing begins.” With that, the nurse disappears out the suite and leaves me and my wife as Marlena looks at me.”I hate you John! I really do.” I smile as I rub her hair back, kissing her forhead.”I know you do… but you have to admit… when we made this little one… .it was so good. I guess this is the punishment for it being so good.” I joke as she swats her hand at my arm and smiles a bit… .first time I actually have seen her smile in the past couple hours. I sit next to my lady love as I hold her hand and watch her close her eyes for a bit but another pain hits and she tenses up on me. This one doesn’t last long… in fact it was quite short which is odd. Before I can even mention it to her, a knock on the door and a person walks in as they are carrying a plastic wrapped package containing a syringe and another nurse is carrying a bottle.”Alrighty… Hi Marlena, I am Dr. Saggen… .I’ll be administering the epidural here for you… just in time huh?” I hear her sigh as I laugh and then another beep goes off as we all look at the monitors. I see the nurse place down the bottle and grab some latex gloves as she quickly does what she has to do and lifts Marlena’s leg and begins feeling around. I watch her face as she stops and pulls Marlena’s leg back down.”We have a small problem… .It seems that the baby is getting aggravated so this is what we are going to do. We are going to have to disregard the epidural and turn you back on your back. Instead we will be giving you something to help you rest and slow down this baby who wants to join us quite soon.””Then just let it out… .don’t slow this down.” I tell the nurse for I am so fed up with this shit. I can’t take anymore of this pain… its unbelievably unbearable and now they are trying to take away my epidural.”Marlena… .we can’t… you haven’t dilated enough for it to come out… the baby will suffocate if we don’t slow it down. Just relax… .it will be ok… you are in good hands right now.” She smiles at me and I turn my head as another pain hits me… harder… even more painful then the last… and I scream in anger as John reaches for me and holds me. Before I can even realize what is happening… I see the nurse walk away with an empty syringe and tosses it inside the waste basket for hazardous materials. “Now you should be feeling calm and drowsy in a couple minutes. Get some rest and we’ll check on you in an hour… okay?”I look at this girl and think to myself how young she is… .she has to be Belle’s age… at least. What could she possibly know… .but then again… .I might be too harsh… she probably knows more then me and Marlena put together. I sit next to Marlena as I hold her hand. We begin discussing the baby and what it’s going to be like once this kid is in our arms. The small clothes… the bottles… the baby itself… the smell of the baby. Within minutes, I watch as my wife’s eyes get heavy and before you know it… .she is sound asleep. Thank God… .she needs her rest… she deserves that much. She is suffering so much right now… .but I know in the end… when she is holding our child… it will be so worth it.
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I hear the nurse as I open my eyes and look around in a daze. They have Marlena’s legs open and are checking her as I look towards my wife and notice she is crying. I hurriedly get up and grab her hands and ask what is happening.”I am in so much pain John… .God… please help me.” She cries out loud that almost breaks my heart in two. I kiss her hand as she squeezes harder while the nurse pushes harder with her hand.”Okay… She’s ready… .the baby is stationed… .you can begin the pushing procedure.” The nurse tells the other nurse as she nods and smiles at me. Once the head nurse leaves, our nurse grabs some gloves and sits at the end of the bed while rubbing Marlena’s knee.”Hey it’s ok sweetie… .look we already got to this stage… that means… its time to push this one out… final stage. Now you have been through this before so I know you know how to push so I don’t have to coach you… or did you forget?” Marlena shakes her head as she replies that she remembers while I wipe her tears. “Good… .okay so here we go… just like before… you never forget. On the count of three I want you to push as hard as you can… .and hold it till 10… .and then take a breath and go right back into another push… .we are going to do a sets of three. Okay? Here we go… Ready and 1… .2… .3… .Push!” I see Marlena take a deep breath as she shuts her eyes and pushes hard while holding my hand tightly.
“That’s it Marlena… 1… .2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… 9…10… .Okay and deep breath… .ready… .GO!” I am in complete awe as the nurse shoves her fingers inside and pushes the tissue as my wife pushes with her all. “Marlena try and push my fingers out… try… .you got to push harder then this honey. 7… 8… 9… 10… Deep Breath… and again!” Marlena makes a sound as she sucks in air and closes her eyes once more. “That’s it Marlena… just like that… that a girl… come on Push… .” I urge my wife to keep pushing as I watch her face… .her eyes are tightly sealed, her nose scrunched and her face painted in red as the sweat beads form on her forehead. “Okay great job Marlena… .Now take a breather or two and wait for the next contraction.I feel another contraction as I moan that another one is here and she lifts up my leg higher and wider… telling me to push. I take a deep breath and push as hard as I can as I hear her countdown begin. I want to break I two… the pressure killing me slowly. I feel as if I am about to bust a blood vessel in my head as the push is coming to an end and I take a deep breath as I hear the girl. I can barley catch my breath when I hear her scream push again and I’m back to pushing as hard as I can. I feel John’s hand as he grips mine and I wish to God it could be him feeling this right now. I want to cry… I want to break down but I can’t… I have to do this for my baby. Anybody who has a baby and seriously does not take drugs… .I honest to God salute them. Ohhh Jesus this pain… .please stop this all… .help me please! I feel something move in me and I know this baby just shifted a bit more.”Ooo great job Marlena… that was quick… .we have step one down… now a few more steps and we’ll be good to go. In the meantime… I don’t want to change your postions because it seems the baby is moving along just fine… .but I do want to move your feet up in this stirrup and I want you to place you hand behind your thigh and pull back when your pushing. John… I want you to hold her thigh back too so that the force will push this baby further out.””Another one… I have to push!” I shout as I take a deep breath and once again the countdown fills my ears. Oh My God… my tissue inside must be tearing because I want to scream in pain… the pain has seriously increased since the last time. Holy shit someone save me from this hell on earth! I feel as if my life is sleeping away and this throbbing is taking me right down with it.
I glance at the clock on the wall that claims its five pm and I just notice she has been pushing for an hour and half… .wow I thought this was moving along quick… what the hell. The nurse motions for me to come over as I release my wife’s hand and explain I will be right back. I walk over to the end of the bed as the nurse points and urges me to look. I try not to pay much attention to her vagina and look past that and to her tissue that seems to be bleeding and dark.”Can you see that… .watch!” The nurse smiles as she inserts her finger and pushes the tissue down a bit.
“That’s your baby’s head… .here it comes.” I smile proudly, completely and truly astonished at what I have just saw. This woman is completely the hero in my life… my idol! Women truly are gifts from God, anybody who can do this… amazes me beyond words.”What am I fucking science experiment!” She screams and I laugh, knowing she is beyond irritated at the moment.”Sweetie… its coming and it has so much hair.” I laugh as I hold her hand tightly, kissing it and waiting for the next contraction. Just when a pain hits her the machine goes wild… .and out of nowhere the nurse looks up and runs to it.I watch her as she goes and flips the switch on the machine, and hits the button on the wall.”We need a doctor in room 345 Stat!” She screams as Marlena doubles over in pain.”What’s the matter? What is going on?” I ask nervously as I look at my wife and then at the nurse.”The baby’s heart rate is dropping… .we need to get it out now! Marlena we need you to push hard… really hard… right now… .come on… .on the count of three… ..here we go now! 1…2… 3… .PUSH HARD! Come on Marlena… .HARDER… HARDER!!!!”The pressure is about to explode as I push harder…
I want to quit but I know something is wrong… I couldn’t really make out what is being said but I heard shouts and now she is screaming for me to push harder and harder. God what is happening… please tell me… .why is John squeezing my hand tighter.”Marlena! Deep Breath… .AGAIN… COME ON… PUSH… .I NEED YOU TO PUSH HARDER… .6… 7… 8… 9… 10!”I watch in horror as I hold her leg back and watch as blood begins to come out even more then before… .this time a scream comes from Marlena… a painful scream.”GOOD… the head is out… now HOLD IT… .DON’T PUSH YET! I NEED A DOCTOR IN HERE NOW!!!!!!” The girl screams into the intercom as she puts her hand on the baby’s head that is now crowning the rim of Marlena.
“Ohhh IT HURTS… .IT’S BURNING… OH CHRIST IT’S BURNING… .I HAVE TO PUSH… .PLEASE… .I NEED OT PUSH!” Marlena cries as she is sitting up in my arms now while her legs rest in the stirrups.”No do not push… .just hold on.” The nurse says as she places her hand on the tip of the baby’s head that is poking past Marlena’s skin while my mouth drops. That is our baby… and if I wasn’t so frighten right now about what is happening… .I would be jumping up for joy.”I NEED TO PUSH!” I scream but it as if no one is hearing a word I am saying… don’t they hear me! I got to get this baby out… ..I feel my skin ripping in every way possible… the stretching, burning… its as if someone is grabbing my skin on each side and stretching it and pulling it away, ripping it away. My eyes are shut tight… .I can’t even open them from the pain that is invading my mind and body. My skin now feels as if its torn because there is now a mixture of burn and cool sensation… I must be torn. I hear some voices as I slowly open my eyes and watch as the one doctor places his hand on the head of the baby, as if trying to prevent it from coming out. He is suiting up as fast as possible while the other doctor ties the gown shut. Once his mask is on, he urges me to push hard as I take a deep breath and groan in pain… I feel his hands slide past my skin and stretch my walls open, tugging and yanking as they pull the baby’s head out… .One push… .one more push is all I hear and then I hear a laughter form John. I can’t even open my eyes… .I fall back into John’s arms and try to catch my breath… What is happening? The pain is gone… it’s amazing how it just faded.I watched as my child flew from her body as blood poured out, splashing the gown of the doctor and on my hands and sheets.
I watch as the baby falls into the arms of a stranger as the assistant woman doctor cuts the cord. They didn’t even ask me and now I am wondering what is happening. The baby seems lifeless and still… not a sound has escaped and now I am worried from seeing the faces of the doctors. The woman grabs my child and runs to awaiting table and begins to perform CPR, giving it oxygen while the male doctor begins to remove the placenta.I open my eyes as I feel nothing but pure relief, wondering now where my baby is and what it is. I turn to John and see tears falling, but they aren’t happy tears… something is wrong… what is wrong… what’s happening? “John… what’s happening?” I ask him and he leans down and kisses my head but doesn’t say a word. For minutes no one answers me until I look to the side and see them giving my newborn CPR… .the body is lifeless… no movement… nothing… ..No this can’t be happening… they told me everything is fine… No… .why… .No! I panic as I move my legs while the doctor grabs me and hold them down.”Marlena hold on… .Hold on.””No… I want my baby… what’s wrong!” I scream as I hear John actually sob.”The baby isn’t breathing… .just hold on and give us a moment.”
Five agonizing minutes pass and not a word is said… .only desperate attempts to help my dying baby. I watch in horror as they stop the procedure and look at the male doctor. He drops his head as he tries to find words… .This can’t be happening… .i can’t take anymore heartache.”I’m sorry Marlena and John… I’m so sorry. There is no hope… the baby didn’t make it… .I’m sorry.””NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” I scream as I fall into my husband’s arms while he sobs onto my head, holding each other closely. “God No Please No… .NOOOOOOO!!!”
I feel as if I am stuck in this horrible nightmare, you know of those nightmares where you know you are trapped and there is no way out of it or to even wake up. It’s like I’m in this daze… .although extremely painful, I’m still stuck in it and I am getting to the point… .where I don’t even want to come out of it, only because I know there is more agony waiting for me. I close my eyes and flinch as I feel them sewing me up… .for the tearing they caused… I should have pushed even when they told me not to… maybe that would have saved my baby. They knew there was a problem and they still tried to delay the process… because the doctors were taking their sweet ass time. Why did this happen to me… to us… why did God have to be so cruel… .have we done something so wrong… so foul that we must be punished for this. I feel my hand gripped tightly as I glance to the side and look at my husband… .my husband who is dying inside at the thought of losing our child. Why couldn’t I just make him happy… .he deserved this much for all of the pain I have been putting him through… .so why or how could this happen. I reach out and skim my hand along his face as he smiles sadly at me and wipes the tears from my eyes. My hand reaches up and holds his touch to my cheek as I cry harder, refusing to believe this situation that just happened.
It is then that I hear some of the nurses mumbling as I turn and watch them wrap up my child, placing a blanket over its whole body and preparing to wheel it out. As they begin to move the cradle, I stop them, hoping to see my child, not even knowing what I had. They silently nod as they pool back the sheet and my heart drops to my stomach. There it was… .the agonizing reality of my dead baby… .as I stared at its face.
“It was a boy… .I’m sorry Marlena and John.” The nurse said somberly as John cried harder while the tears clouded my sight. I reach over and touch the small face as I break down in tears… .unable to handle this anymore. His face is perfect… the most beautiful thing I have ever saw… even more beautiful then Belle… if that’s possible. He has the tiniest nose, the tiniest hands… .tiny feet… .perfect in every sense of the word… .my son… our son… .and now he is gone from our lives… forever. They cover him again and take him away as I break down into hysterical fits of tears as John holds me tightly, refusing to let me slip away too.
“I want my son!!! Let me see my son!!!!” I cry, determined for someone to hear me out… .but it seems my screaming and pleading is falling on deaf ears for everyone turns away from me. I tug on John’s arms with my hands, trying to pull them from me, trying to force myself from this bed and run after my baby. How could this be… .how could this happen. John reaches for my face and I push his hands away as I scream for him to leave me alone… .I know its not his fault… but then again… I feel the need to blame him for this… but why?
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The light snow slowly falls among the grounds as the sky is dark and gray… .clouds rolling in threatening to make this day worse then it already is. It is like little white cotton balls falling all around us and if it weren’t for this ugly day… I would think it was the most beautiful thing in the world. But here I am, standing in a graveyard, in front of my baby’s casket… holding a single white rose in my hand while I hear the priest talking to everyone but me… .he is trying to claim that the baby is in safe hands… but its not… .its not in my hands and that’s where he should be… with his parents… with his mother. I feel the tears fall from my eyes as they dance along my cheeks, while the cold wind chills the water on my face. I sniff back some tears and wipe my tears with my black gloved hand… and then I feel my husbands arm encircle my waist as he pulls me closer to his side while I let out a tear one again. The snow lightly dusts are Black wool coats as it traps itself in my waved layered hair while it blankets John’s dark hair. He pushes the flakes off his hair form time to time and then off his coat before dusting mine off here and there. I push his hands away, as if to tell him to leave it alone, let me get buried in this cold ice… along with my son. I adjust my long black coat, that is wrapped tightly along my body and I stand there once again, listening to the words of our father who preaches to all.
“God please bless this child and keep him safe in your arms. We know now it was not meant for him to join us here and for whatever reason that may be… .it is only for you to know. We pray for Jonathon Black… may he rest in peace and look after us until we meet him again. We pray for your family, especially for your parents during these rough times. Let us pray for John, Marlena, Isabella, & Brady… and send Jonathon off with a prayer… that his journey be safe. Our father… .” Is all I hear and I refuse to say the prayer, for I don’t believe in God… not anymore… because if there were a God… he wouldn’t do this to us…he wouldn’t hurt us in this way. John nudges my hand as he silently urges me to say the prayer with him but I shake my head and drop my stare to the snow covered ground and then to the small casket that lies ahead of us. “And may he deliver us from evil. May you rest in peace Jonathon… and may the God bless you always. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit… .Amen.” I watch as the priest sprinkles holy water over the casket before making the sign of the cross over it. He then motions for both me and John, to walk up and give our prayers and before I can even agree, I feel my body pushed towards the casket by my husband. I walk up first and place the white rose down onto the glossed oak casket, trying desperately to hold back the tears that threaten to down pour. I feel my husband’s hand go over mine as we touch the coffin together, keeping our hands pressed against the woods. Belle’s arm sneaks around her father’s arm while Brady snakes his around my upper arms. I want to scream in anger… .I want to go down in this grave with my son… .I don’t want to live anymore… .and it takes all of my power to not faint. I hear John whisper the words ‘I Love You Son’ and all my strength snaps. I throw myself onto the coffin and I breakdown, gripping the wood with everything in me.
I hear the sobs of others behind us as it breaks my heart in two… to have them watch something like this… and to see my wife in so much pain. I reach down to grab her but she refuses to let go and continues to cry and plead to leave her alone. It takes both Brady and I to lift her from the casket and once she has freed from the wood… she turns and falls into my arms as I hold her tightly to my body, pinning her face into my neck, as she cries into my skin, while I caress her hair and smooth my hands on her back. Belle breaks down and falls into Brady’s arms as he too repeats the same action as I am with their mother. I feel Marlena’s grip get tighter around my body and I take that as my cue to escort her away but she pulls away from me and turns back to see our family laying down flowers on the casket. She holds me tight but doesn’t remove her stare from our son’s coffin. Within moments the coffin begins to drop and she screams in pain as she watches it disappear below the surface. I hold her close as her face falls onto my shoulder, however her eyes still stay focused on the hole.
“Nooooo! God Nooooo!” Marlena cries over and over as the dirt begins to be thrown onto the box. I pull her close to me… for that is all I can do… .I cant comfort her… I cant even comfort myself at this moment. I decide to move away from this sight but she refuses to move in my arms and instead moves her body from mine and walks a little bit away before just staring and wiping her tears. I don’t know if I should go by her or stand behind her, but she seems to be sobbing and in her own little world. I decide to stand behind her and in case she needs me… .I’ll be right there. Even though my wife is complete turmoil… she has never looked so beautiful… her make up slightly fading but still strong enough to make its presence known, her hair stands out perfectly along her black wool coat… .her face red in pain but still beautiful enough to shine anywhere. Even during this tough time… she still manages to take my breath away… no matter how bad it gets. And trust me… we have really hit rock bottom on this one… .and I am scared… .scared she will pull away from me… scared for our marriage… scared for us… what will she be like with us… how will she react to me. I place my hand on her shoulder as she flinches for a moment but then allows me to continue to reach out. I place my arms around her waist as we cry together… for our son… our life… our marriage… for everything. Together we hold each other tightly and pray… For our precious little one… .Jonathon
Page 21 of 43I stare at the newspaper in front of me, unable to concentrate on what I am reading. Rubbing a gentle hand over my eyes, I close them tightly, hoping to take away this pain that is lingering throughout my head. Taking a deep breath, I toss the paper on the coffee table and stand up, staring around the empty living room. My head slowly rises and faces upstairs as I wonder what my wife has been doing. Since we got home from the funeral, she had seemed to go into a daze, unable to drink, eat, or speak. Brady and I desperately tried to calm her down at the service and once we got her home, we finally managed to get her to sleep, if only for an hour. Cracking my knuckles, I take a deep breath and head on up the stairs, slowly and lazily. My head hung low, my soul in the trenches, and my heart torn to pieces, my body moves on its own as it makes the journey throughout what used to be a happy home.
Passing through the hallway, I hear soft sobs as I pause for a moment and glance at the half closed door to my right. Slowly I lean my head towards it as I gently place my hand along the cool wood and slowly give it a soft push. My eyes roam towards the slender body that is draped along the crib, one hand lying inside the crib while the other clutches onto the frame. I see her body quake from her cries and I bite my lip, determined to control the sorrow that is now overriding my senses. She is in so much pain, as am I, however she seems to be desperately fighting for her life. I walk in slowly, standing behind her as my hands reach out and lay on her body, snatching her out of her private turmoil. After realizing who is behind her, she drops her head back onto my chest as her tears pour out and her sobs now become very audible. Her hand clutches mine tightly as she pulls them to her chest and shuts her eyes in sheer pain. I hold her closely as I dip my face into her neck, letting my tears fall down and onto her soft skin.
“Why? Why John?” She cries over and over, and all I can do is simply shake my head, unable to answer that, not knowing any answers.
“Baby…I don’t know. I don’t know sweetheart.” I cry as she pulls out of my embrace and leans over the crib as her hands run through the blankets, and soft teddy bears. I watch her closely as I turn around and stare at all the toys and reminders of what our son was to use. Putting one hand in my pocket while the other reaches and grabs a frame on the dresser, I stare in amazement and sorrow. His first picture, the ultrasound photo adorns the frame as I feel the hot fluid run down my face while I shut my eyes in agony. I hear her sniffs and I open my eyes and see her grab his blanket and sit in the rocker as she pins it to her chest, burying her face inside the material. I place the frame down and walk over to her, before kneeling down and placing my hands on her thighs. She continues to cry as I gently place my head on her lap and cry along with her. I feel her hand run through my short hair and my hands tighten against her as I continue to let my emotions run wild.
I don’t know how we are going to make it through this crisis, the both of us suffering in the loss of our baby. All I do know for sure is that we are going to have to be there for each other, be there for support, and love each other as much as we can. But is that enough?
Hours pass as the room goes dark, welcoming the moonlight that glimmers into the window, leaving two darken souls to grieve in silence in the corner of the room. Its going to take a miracle for us to get through this…but together our love will survive and we will get through this…I know we will.
The silence is broken as I hear her raspy voice throughout the room. “John…do you think he will remember us?”
I sigh, unable to answer that as well. Why does she have these impossible questions, questions she knows I don’t have answers too. “Honey…I don’t know. I think that he will…he will be watching over us until we meet him again. He will be our little guardian angel, guiding us to the right path and in the end; he’ll be waiting for us at the end of that light tunnel.
I hear her take a deep breath as her voice cracks again and I know the sobs are getting the best of her. “Do you promise he’ll be there?”
Closing my eyes, I lift my head from her lap and reach for her face. Slowly opening my eyelids I watch her face, the slight light hitting her tears, making them glisten. “I promise you he will be right there.” Pulling her body off the rocker and to me, I hold her tightly as she drops her face into my chest while her arms wrap around me tightly. Slowly I lift us up and pull her body up and into my arms as I carry her out the room and to our bedroom. Laying her down, I kiss her forehead as I begin to remove her suit, preparing her for the night. It takes a little bit more time then expected but I accomplish the task and tuck her in under our soft down comforter. Running to the bathroom, I grab some sleeping pills and a glass of water, knowing she will definitely need them. Leaning down by the bed I place the pills in her hand as she shakes her head, refusing to take the drug or any drug at all.
“You need them Marlena….come on…its going to be a hard night. Please take them for me…you need your rest.” I persuade her and after minutes of debating, she finally gives in and swallows both capsules before laying her head along the pillow and letting her tears fall once again. I slowly undress as I watch her closely, minute by minute, second to second….she cries herself into a deep sleep. Reaching for the pills, I gently pop them into my mouth as I chug the water before walking to the balcony windows. Leaning my arm on the frame above my head, I stare out at the moon up in the sky. Feeling that usual burn in the back of my throat, I know the tears are coming back again. Clearing my throat just a bit I manage to crack out a whisper.
“Son…if you could hear me…I just want you to know that we are going to miss you so very much. I have no clue why you left us so very early…and to tell you the truth I am not okay with it…in fact I hate it. Why couldn’t you be here with your parents…why did you have to leave us so quickly? Didn’t you know that we would have been there for you….we would have done anything for you…if only you could have given us the chance. Why the hell didn’t you fight for us….why didn’t you fight for the chance.” I drop my head in anger as I cry uncontrollably, falling to the carpet and crunching down onto the floor. For the first time today, the first time this week….I feel as if my life is over….nothing can fill this void. So what do we do now? Where do we go from here? And what is to come? Only time will tell they say…but do we have time…will time heal this? Our future seems cloudy and to tell you the truth…I am scared. What am I to do? What should I do? Suddenly I begin to feel drowsy, and before I can even manage to control my exhaustion….the last question rolls through my mind. How am I to go on…without you?
Page 22 of 43My life goes by so slowly…ticking away one second at a time. I’ve become an expert at staring at the clocks in the house, watching the digital numbers change from one digit to the next. It’s been one month, fifteen days, seven hours, and twenty five minutes that has passed since the death of my son. Life doesn’t seem to offer much after a tragedy, how can I expect it to. Everyday becomes harder to survive, every morning is a challenge to crawl from bed and every night is a mission to close my eyes and fall into a dream world of where I can hold him again. The familiar words ‘time heals everything’ continue to beat through my head constantly. Is the loss of a child really something you can learn to overcome?
I sit and wonder what it would have been like to have him here, wrapped in my arms, being showered with love and adoration. All the things a child should have in their life. I find myself in tears almost every single day and the question of moving on circles throughout my brain.
I have lost a child before, and I remember the tremendous pain I suffered at the loss of him. But why does the pain seem to be so much more and excruciatingly painful. I honestly feel as if part of me has gone with my child…part of me is with him in that casket…six feet below the ground. Why would God give me a child only to take him away from my arms? Am I that horrible of a mother that I must be punished to such an extreme?
These thoughts run through my head every single day of this pathetic life that I live now. I call it pathetic because what do I have to live for now. For my husband, my other children? They are grown now and they too have their own lives to live so why have me here? I try not to think this way, think positively because that is what I should do. But I am so dead inside, and all I want is to hold that little boy in my arms and tell him how much his mommy misses and loves him. God knows there is nothing I wouldn’t have done for him. I would have gladly traded my life for his in a moment’s notice. I would have given up all the money that we have been blessed with, my career, my family, my lifestyle…all for him. Just so he can see this world, live the life he so deserved.
And then there is John, oh my John. He tries desperately to get through to me. To have the once level headed Marlena he had only months before. The wife who, before brought his son Jonathon into this cruel world, devoted her whole life to the man that now watches her with concerned eyes instead of the ones that used to devour her with lusty stares. Jonathon’s unexpected death has killed us all inside, slowly and painfully. John and I aren’t the couple we used to be, we don’t share the same hopes and dreams we once did. We had high hopes for our future and now that is gone and buried. Cautious embraces have replaced loving ones and light pecks on the cheek are now part of our regular routine. Sleeping in the same bed is the hardest part, its almost in comparison to sleeping with a stranger. We both keep to each of our sides, neither of us daring to touch one another in the still of the night. And why would we, the very thought of intimacy and the feel of his hands on my body is enough to make my stomach turn. We have not even attempted to do such a thing, it’s disrespectful to the memory of my son, at least in my eyes it is.
The upbeat music from a cell phone catches my attention and it takes me a full minute to come to realization that it’s my cell phone. Am I that lost to the world that I forgot even my own ring tone…Do I even remember playing with the ring tones on my phone? Last I remember is it having a simple ring…not some song. I slowly get up off the couch as the phone begins to ring once again and the annoying music plays throughout the living room of the house. I numbly glance at the caller ID and take quick notice that it’s the child that used to be known as my baby…not anymore and not ever again. Flipping open the phone, I place it to my ear and manage to sound as upbeat as I can. I try to put on the best act for my children, because in reality, I can’t show them how I truly feel. What would they think if they were to know how their mother truly feels these days?
Belle goes on and on about school and how she needs to attend some class that I really could care less about. I chide myself for feeling this way and turning into the kind of woman I would have despised months ago. After minutes of her whining, she realizes that I must not be paying much attention and apologizes for rambling. Lying, I smile and tell her I was listening to every single word. I have become quite the liar these days, and sadly I am becoming quite well at it. It isn’t something to be proud of but what do I have to lose these days…not a whole lot. Jonathon’s death has left a hole in me…a darkness has taken over my soul and I doubt I could ever be the woman I used to be. My life has been nothing but a soap opera these past few years. From amnesia to the loss of a child…my life is complete. What more can I ask for…life is getting better by the second.
I find myself in Jonathon’s nursery as I look over all of his things. I stare blankly unsure of what I am doing anymore and why I continue to torture myself by dragging myself into his room constantly. Walking over to his crib, I lean down and run my hand through the soft plush blankets that still lay there. Closing my eyes, I cry and cry until I feel like I am completely drained out that my body has no choice but to pass out from exhaustion. Easing back from the crib, I slowly sit in the rocker and cry, clutching a teddy bear that was bought when I first found out I was pregnant with him. My surroundings become clouded and I fall into darkness, hoping to see my baby once more in my dreams. I yearn to hold him in my arms and whisper sweet confessions from my heart. I badly want to hold his tiny hand in mine and kiss every single finger before nuzzling his neck and hearing his baby laugh. He haunts me in my dreams and I simply wish to be with him forever, never waking to my family is not a concern for me.
~*~
I open my eyes and find myself in bed, our bed. Blinking away the sleepiness, I slowly sit up and look around the room and hear the water running in the bathroom. Grazing my hand over my forehead, I take a deep breath and slowly pull the blankets off of my body. Throwing my legs over the edge of the bed, my eyes search the numbers of the alarm clock on the nightstand. What time is it and how long have I been asleep? A more important question was how did I get to this bed, even though I have a very good idea how I did. 8:00 pm burns into my eyes and I shut them before blinking a few times, trying to adjust my vision before getting up from the soft mattress. Making my way to the bathroom, I slowly open the door as I find John wrapped in a towel as he stares at himself in the mirror with his razor in his hand. Concentrating on shaving off his stubble, his eyes carefully travel from his chin to my reflection in the mirror as he asks if I am ok. Nodding my head, I walk over to the tub and turn the handle, letting the hot water pour from the faucet. Grabbing a bottle of liquid body soap…I pour some in the hot water as slight bubbles begin to form. Standing up, my eyes focus on the water as I begin to undo the buttons of my shirt while I hear John turn on the sink’s facet to rinse his razor. Stopping any further movements, I turn and look towards him, wondering why he is shaving at this time of night.
“Where are you going?” I ask him, my curiosity getting the best of me. He seems to struggle for an answer as he carefully wipes the remaining cream from his face with a towel as he mumbles the words ‘a meeting’. Blinking my eyes, I open my mouth and choke on a reply. “A meeting at this time of night, with who?”
“With the CEO of PrimaLina, another fashion company we are thinking about merging with.” His answer is simple and not open for more interrogation. He throws the hand towel in the hamper and smiles at me before walking out the bathroom. My mind begins to travel with 1000 possibilities a minute and for the first time in weeks, I suddenly feel something other than sadness and depression. Anger and jealously begin to show its effects and I cannot help but button my top back up and walk back to the bedroom to ask more questions. He is grabbing his suit and throwing it gently over the overstuffed couch in the corner of the room. Pulling out a pair of his boxers from the drawer, he quickly undoes the towel and tosses it on the bed as he slips into his black boxer briefs. He never notices me watching and continues to dress in the dim lit room while I stand in the walkway that separates our bathroom and bedroom. Within moments he has his shoes on and he is adjusting his tie in the mirror, as I still stand unacknowledged. He reaches for his cologne, Burberry, my favorite scent on him and sprays it carefully before putting on the cap and placing it back on the dresser. He turns to grab his watch and finally notices me as he smiles and asks what I’m doing. Not amused at all by what he considers to be his charm, I cross my arms and ask him again why there is a meeting at this time of night.
“Marlena…come on stop it. I have a meeting that I need to attend and this was the only time that it could be done before he jumps on a 16 hour flight to Tokyo.” His answer still doesn’t settle with me and I reach for his arm when he turns away from me. His dull blue eyes burn into my tired face as he lets out an audible sigh. Grabbing my hand from his arm, he guides me back to the bathroom and leans over to shut off the water in the tub. “Your bath awaits you.” His fingers begin to slowly undo my buttons and my mind wonders about tonight. Its not that I think he is cheating, not in the least bit. But I don’t like his sudden change of mood and secrecy all of a sudden. This is the first time I even heard of him dealing with Basic Black again since Jonathon. His fingers move gently along the buttons and drag across my skin when he parts the fabric. I let his hands move down my stomach to my hips as he undoes the tie of my yoga pants. Squatting down, he lets his hands run down my hips and thighs as he looks up at me and smiles weakly.
“John….” It comes out as a whispered plea and he shushes me with a soft kiss on my stomach as I close my eyes. His hands go back to my waist as they circle behind me and rest along the small of my back. Pulling my body closer to him, he places another kiss below my belly button while my hands stay firmly at my sides. Its funny how earlier in the day I thought about being intimate with John could only make my stomach sick but now all I can do is think about being with him. Jealousy has a way of turning you into someone you never thought you could be and right now, it’s my only excuse as to why I am allowing him to place innocent gentle kisses along my skin. His hands travel lower as they grip onto my backside while his mouth opens and his tongue drags along my now heated flesh. My fingers dance along his jacket collar and quickly up his neck to his hair. I hear his soft moans and I open my eyes and watch him devour me with now hungry kisses. His hands work cautiously as they tug on my pants and begin to pull them down from my body. Fingers dance up my calves and linger in sensitive areas of my inner thighs, and it takes all my power not to push him down on the floor and crawl over him. “John…I..” The words struggle to slip from my mouth and I want to stop him because I feel like I can’t go through with this, afraid of where this will lead to next. But I am torn because I don’t want him to leave either and go to wherever he claims he will be attending. He once again quiets me with a whisper and places his mouth on my now bare thigh. My panties find their way down my legs and join the pile on the floor as his mouth travels further up from my thighs. I hear the soft cries of a baby in my head and it gets louder and louder with every touch and kiss that is placed on my body. Is it a sign…is it Jonathon doing this to me…stopping me from going any further? John’s sudden halt causes me to open my eyes. He gets back up and kisses my lips quickly before telling me to get in the tub before the water cools.
“I’m going to be late…I will see you later…get some rest and enjoy your bath.” His words are straight to the point and with no emotion. Why the sudden change, especially since he was just on his knees moments before kissing me in places that forgot what pleasure felt like. Feeling rejected, I slip from my clothes and crawl into the hot water as I soak in the bubbles. Confusion is a good way to describe me right now, but so is concerned. I wonder about John and where he really is going, I’m concerned about what just happened with us and what could have happened if he didn’t stop. I’m also confused as to why he suddenly stopped; the John I knew was never able to stop when it came to me. My mind flashes back to past times and like an old movie, I begin to have flashbacks of our life in the past month. Questions come into play and I begin to count in my head of the last time he even touched me, kissed me, and made love to me. It was a little bit before Jonathon’s birth, and never even came close until tonight. It’s understandable that we wouldn’t even consider such a thing since his death, but now I’m beginning to question the lack of affection. My John would always find a way to reach me, even if he too was in pain, but he hasn’t. Could he be seeing someone else? Have I become so emotionally unstable… himself included, that he would turn to someone else to take him out of reality, if only for a moment or two. I feel hot tears fall from my eyes and my worries increase by the minute. Not only have I lost a son, but have I lost a husband too?
~*~
The sound of his watch and wallet hitting the dresser awake me from my light sleep. Adjusting my head on the pillow, I look at the clock and stare at the numbers. 3:30am gleam back at me and I can’t help but think that it must have been some great meeting to come back at this time. I fight the urge to get out of bed and grab him, simply to inspect him for any trace of a woman. Instead I wait patiently and pretend to be asleep by lying still in bed while he undresses from the constraints of his suit and tie. I bite my lip as I feel him lift the sheets and crawl underneath them while adjusting his pillow on his side of the bed. Letting out a tired sigh, I feel his body relax along the mattress and I turn on my back and look towards him. He has his back to me and I reach out to touch him but stop, instead I pull my hand back to my side as I turn my gaze to the ceiling. Endless questions pop into my mind that I so badly want to ask him, I need to ask him. When the only thing that can be heard in the room is his deep breathing, I get up from bed and go to his clothing that is thrown in a pile in our closet. Lifting each piece of clothing to my nose, I quickly inspect through the material like a mad woman spying on her cheating spouse. When I’m satisfied that I have found nothing, I place the clothes back down and grab his cell phone from the dresser. I have not a clue what I am looking for but I flip through his call list, messages, pictures…anything I can get my hands on. His contacts are next on my list and I search through a variety of people until a certain name catches my eye. Dominique? The rolodex in my mind begins to spin and I try to think back to any women at Basic Black or clients he has told me about. None of them match this name and I cannot contain my anger as I close the phone and set it back on the dresser. Her name could very well mean nothing and its not like I found anything but I still feel cheated somehow someway. I am about to walk back to bed when an idea comes to mind. Reaching for his phone again, I jot down her number and put it in my drawer, keeping it just in case.
Closing my eyes, I have dreams of him kissing my stomach and thighs. His lips feel like heaven along my skin and his tongue is even better as it drags up and down the tender skin. His hands work up and down my body as they rest upon my hips and he pulls me closer to him. I bite my lip and moan his name when a toddler’s voice fills the room. His high pitched ‘Mommy’ catches me off guard and I push John from me as I sit up and stare at the little boy in front of me. He looks identical to John and has to be only two years of age, his eyes big and bright blue, his hair dark and thick.
“Jonathon?” I ask as he smiles happily and flashes his huge dimples that adorn his chubby cheeks. My eyes widen in amazement as I take quick notice that he has my exact smile.
“Mommy…Mommy..” He repeats as his hands reach up and he slowly walks to the bed. I untangle myself from John as I reach for him but he seems to get further and further from me. I call his name as his dimples fade and his baby face frowns and a sad pout follows. His eyes shut tightly and his mouth drops open, his crying begins as I constantly call his name and fight to get off the bed. His crying turns to screams as he throws his arms wildly in the air and cries my name. Screaming for him, I fight John’s hands that pin me back from getting my son. And then I see her, a young beautiful woman with dark hair walks to Jonathon and picks him up, cradling him to her chest. She looks at me as my son continues to cry and reach for me. She whispers in his ear and he cries only harder and kicks his tiny feet which only breaks my heart even more.
“Give me my son…Who are you?” I ask as she smiles and looks over at John, who has now stopped fighting me.
“Ask your husband…he knows who I am.” She smiles at me and kisses Jonathon on his head as she walks from the room and disappears with my crying child.
Waking up hurriedly, I notice the sweat that now covers my body as I look around the room. Breathing heavily, I get up from bed and walk to the balcony doors. Stepping into the brisk air, I stand on the balcony and stare at the city that sleeps peacefully. It was a dream, it was all a dream, I tell myself over and over until I have somewhat calmed my nerves. Turning slightly, I watch John’s body in bed and then turn back to the city.
“Dominique…whoever you are and wherever you may be…I will find out. It is just a matter of time before I do…and when I do,” I pause and take a deep breath to stop a few tears that threaten to escape from me. Taking another deep breath I wrap my arms around my waist and close my eyes. “When I do…god help us all.”
Another month passes by and my pain hasn’t lessened much, in fact it’s still very much there but I’m not as focused on it as I used to be. My concerns now lay with John and his constant ‘meetings’ that occur every week, sometimes twice in one week. He doesn’t think I notice, but I’m observing him closely with each passing day. His attitude, his outlook on life lately has taken a dramatic turn since our tragedy. You’d have to be a blind fool not to notice his change, and apparently he thinks our family must be fools and I am just blinded by pain. We hardly speak to one another, and affection, well you can throw that idea out the window as well. The last time we touched and kissed, was that time in the bathroom before I got into the tub. Since then he hasn’t come close to touching me again.
His lips skim past my forehead as he holds his long dark coat in his arms and jingles his keys in his hand. “I’ll be back later on…get some rest.” His words are cold and distant, I’m getting used to it. He doesn’t really mean them and he only says them either out of habit or because he doesn’t want to hear my mouth. I watch him walk out the door quietly and quickly.
He never looks back at me anymore, never turns around to tell me he loves me or blow a kiss my way before walking out the door. The only thing I see these days is his back whether it’s in bed or when watching his frame walk away from me and disappearing behind the wooden door. Getting up from the couch, I walk over to my cell phone that is lying on the table and I begin to dial the numbers I have come to memorize so well. I pause for a moment and close my eyes, inhaling deeply as I ask myself what I am doing. Closing my phone, I throw it on the couch and glance towards the front door. I haven’t worked up enough courage to follow him yet but its getting there, and the countdown is on until that part of spying begins. My eyes dart towards the clock on the piano and I slowly close them and shake my head. 9:30 pm. What has happened to him, what has happened to us? I know we aren’t the same people we used to be and it could be partially my fault for shutting him out, but can I really accept all the blame?
Why hasn’t he tried to love me or tried to make me happy in someway?
I’m not asking for the world, in fact, I’m not asking for much at all.
But when did simply holding me in his arms or telling me a simple love you become too much?
I feel the hot fluid burn my eyes and the familiar burn in the back of my throat quickly follows.
I want to scream and cry…I want to hit him and beg him to tell me what is going on.
I want to find this woman and strangle her with my own bare hands.
I can only imagine what she does when she is around him, does she do that flirtatious laugh and sway her hair from one side to the other?
Does she bite her lower lip when he comes near her or whisper in his ear when it’s something she only wants him to hear?
These questions burn into my brain and I begin to envision situations that shouldn’t even be in my thoughts in the first place.
He should be here with me, holding me and telling me how much he loves me.
I’m not saying we should be laying around the house in depression and mourning the death of our son at every tick of the clock, but at least have some respect and be with one another.
I shouldn’t be home alone wondering where he can be, while he is out with some whore, eating and drinking the night away or even worse…sleeping with her.
Flashes of him holding her and dragging his mouth across her neck flash in my mind.
I have not a clue what this woman could possibly look like but i envision her to be a beautiful girl, tall and slender.
It’s almost too painful to see this in my mind but it’s as if I cannot stop the images that appear in my subconscious.
Her body lies along a bed as he slowly crawls over and takes her lips with his own, kissing her the way he used to kiss me not so long ago.
I open my eyes and shake my head as I try to forget what my mind has made up…its unfair and it’s untrue. Gripping onto the edge of the desk in front of me, I close my eyes once again and take a deep breath. I feel like I want to pass out from anxiety, the walls of my sanity are slowly crumbling and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it. If you asked me three years ago what my future would have been like, I never in a million years would have guessed that it would have turned into this mess. It’s almost embarrassing to talk about my life and what really has been accomplished these few years. Let’s see: I was kidnapped and held against my will in a castle, I got pregnant with my ex husband’s baby while still married to my current husband who I am very much in love with, Miscarried and happened to catch amnesia and pushed my entire family away, claimed to be married to my then therapist who was helping me through the ordeal, then I proceeded to run from him back to my husband’s arm, become pregnant and carry the baby full term, lose that baby and then manage to lose my husband to another woman. That about sums it up and I can’t help but turn away from the mirror in front of me in disgust, unable to see the image of a woman I don’t even recognize.
Life has a cruel sense of humor and it seems like the joke has been on me this entire time. I thought I had the life that everyone envied, the life that women all over the world would have killed for. I guess I was wrong and once again, I’m the only one standing here confused and hopeless. I sit back on the couch and pull the afghan off the back of the couch as I quickly cover myself with it. Letting a few tears fall from my eyes, I shut my eyes and sniff back the emotion that is creeping up on me. Within moments I fall asleep, and hope that I don’t wake up to see another day, another day full of empty promises and broken dreams. It’s sad that I reached this point in my life where I just want to say goodbye to it all, and leave this cruel world with whatever dignity I have left. I want to be remembered as the brave and powerful Marlena, instead of the lonely and heartbroken wife and mother.
His hands wake me from my sleep as I slowly open my eyes and see his blue eyes staring down at me. The lights are all off and the room is dark with the exception of the moonlight that glimmers through the French doors of our living room. Slightly adjusting myself on the couch, I scoot up from the pillow and somewhat sit up as John adjusts himself on the couch and allows me the space. When he woke me, he was sitting on the edge of the couch and his upper half was hovering over my body. Now he is further back and sitting close to my knees, watching me intensely as I try to wake myself from the dreamlike state I’m in.
“What time is it?” I hear myself ask as he moves the blankets off me and tries to get me to get up off the couch.
“2:30…come on let’s go upstairs to bed.” His remark is simple and I shake my head from side to side as I grab the covers from my hand. I’m so upset with him, that he could walk in this every single day in the middle of the night and think it’s actually alright with me. That the excuse of meetings and late business dinners is going to sit well with me day in and day out of our pathetic marriage. “Marlena, come on. I’m not going to let you sleep on this couch…come to bed.” His voice is edgy but I can also hear the slight slur in his words. He has been drinking and God only knows with who he was drinking with. I don’t trust him these days and I certainly don’t trust him even more when alcohol enters his system. I know how he gets when he happens to have a drink or two and trust me when I say, I would not want some lust filled driven woman around my husband when he is slightly under the influence.
“Go to bed…I am going to sleep here for the night.” I pull the covers from his hands and I adjust myself back on the couch as he dips his head down, biting his lower lip.
“Marlena…let’s go.” He is getting angry and I really don’t even care. Why should I care when he doesn’t give a damn how I feel with him running in and out of this house at all times of the night.
“John, please stop and leave me alone. Go to bed please.” My irritation is starting to show but knowing him, he is probably thinking I’m pleading with him to take me to bed and just giving him a hard time. Men…how incredibly dull they can be and how completely clueless when it comes to understanding a woman. His hands yank the blankets off me once more and he leans down and engulfs me into his arms. Pushing on his chest, I warn him to put me down but he ignores me and begins to walk us away from the couch and to the stairs. “Why can’t you leave me be and go to bed on your own. I don’t want to be with you tonight, I don’t want to lie with you, I don’t want to be near you and I certainly don’t want you touching me in anyway shape or form. My words fall on deaf ears and he seems to be unaffected by what I just said. Pushing on his chest, I force my legs out of his grasp and manage to jump from his hold as he stumbles on the step that leads to the staircase. Looking at me like I just lost my mind, he reaches for me once more and I step back and cross my arms in front of my chest.
“What the hell is the problem, I don’t want you sleeping on the couch, you don’t belong down here.”
I turn away from him and grab the blanket off the couch and quickly fold it, placing it on the back of the couch before moving towards the kitchen. He follows me and stares with the same intensity as he used to do with Belle whenever he knew she was lying to him. I fill a cup of water and take a few sips before glancing at him. Keeping my eyes focused on him, I take a huge gulp of the cold fluid and watch him as he comes closer to me. Pulling the cup back from my lips, I clear my throat as he steps up to me and comes near my face. Preparing to move myself, his hands stop me as they fall onto upper arms and then face as he continues to stare at me.
“What?!” It comes out a little harsher than I intended but I don’t really care, he has turned me into a bitter wife these days.
“Why are you doing this?” His voice is quiet and calm, his lips coming dangerously close to my face as I struggle to focus on his eyes and not his mouth.
“Doing what? What Am I doing to you John? I have done nothing,…in fact all I am guilty of is not being the attentive wife when it comes to your whereabouts. What are you doing coming home at this time? What were you doing and where were you at and who were you with?” It finally comes out, the pent up angry questions that have been boiling deep down inside are finally spilling out. I want the answers to all of them and I won’t let him walk away from me without answering every single one.
He shuts his eyes and shakes his head as he places a finger across my lips and whispers for me to calm down and believe in him. Pushing away at his hand, I find the strength to put my glass of water down on the counter and push him back from me, startling him. He drops his arms in defeat and sighs heavily as I push on his chest a little more, shoving him into the counter opposite from us.
“Where were you?” I ask as he shakes his head and shrugs. His reaction alone makes me want to slap his head off his body but I remain calm and look at him widely as he turns away from me, preparing to leave the kitchen. Snatching the fabric of his jacket, I yank him back as he turns around defensively and throws up his arms to push my hands away from him. Holding his hands up, he signals for me to calm down and keep my distance but I don’t, it only infuriates me more and I have no choice but to go after him. I reach out and shove him on his chest as he loses his balance a little and calls out my name, begging me to stop.
“Tell me where you were!” I shout as he grabs my wrists in his hands to prevent me from any further attempt of physical contact on his body.
“Why does it even matter?” His response is low but you can still hear the telltale signs of aggravation in his tone.
My eyes are wide in shock as I fight to remove my hands from his hold, because I feel the need to hit him once more. “Why does it matter? Are you kidding me….its 2:30am…you are married…I am your wife at home alone. And you are asking me why does it matter where you were?”
“Marlena! Stop it…I was out at a business mee…”
“Oh Bullshit John! Stop lying to me already. How many times did you think I was going to fall for this late night meeting bullshit…you have the same excuse every time you walk through that goddamn door!” I point angrily at the door as I shove him once again till he hits the counter once more with his hip. I can’t contain myself anymore, I cant help but shout at him.
His hands once again have taken a hold of my wrists and he pins them between our chests as he quickly pushes me back and now presses me to the counter. I fight in his tight embrace but he only presses tighter while putting his mouth to my ear and repeatedly telling me to relax. After what feels like an eternity of fighting him, I breakdown in his arms and my anger quickly turns to depression. My tears continue to spill endlessly from my eyes and my sobs are uncontrollable. My body shakes as the emotion overwhelms me and it’s as if this entire ordeal is hitting me all over once again. But it’s not just the death of Jonathon that I relive…it’s now joined by deception and betrayal. Just the very thought of my husband with another woman, wining and dining her, while I sit home and grieve for a child that I wanted so badly.
I feel his hands finally release my wrist and his hands go to my face and slowly pulls up so that I can look him in the eyes. I cannot and will not…I’m too torn and horrified of what I may see in them. I don’t want to see his pain, I don’t want to see his guilt, even more so…I don’t want to see the love he still possesses for me. He whispers for me to open my eyes and look at him but I cant. Instead I shake my head and close my eyes tighter, feeling the tears soak through my eyelashes and fall heavily down my face.
“Why are you doing this to me John…why are you doing this to us?” I sob into his chest as he holds me tightly. Covering my face with my hands, I shake my head and cry even more, surprised that I even had so many tears locked away. I lightly hit at his chest to push him away from me, and sniff back my tears. “Leave me alone John…”
I try to walk away but he holds me to him as I cry even more, silently this time. I hold my lips together tightly and close my eyes, tears just continually falling and falling. “Why John…just tell me why?” I’m begging for an answer, all I want to know is why. Was I not the good wife, Did I not love him enough, Was I someone he no longer needed in his life or fulfilled his every desire?
He grabs at my face once more and wipes the tears from my cheeks, slowly and lovingly. I cry more as my body shakes with every sob that escapes past my lips, I’m so heartbroken that he would do this to us…to our marriage…to me.
“Why John? Please tell me why you did this…how could you have done this after all we have been through. Please I beg of you…tell me why?” My crying is heartbreaking, I know this because he looks so hurt, his eyes are filled with tears and they too fall down his face. He whispers that he has done nothing and to please believe in him but how can I when it’s so obvious what is going on.
“I have not done anything to hurt you, nor will I ever. You are my life Marlena and I want no one else but you. You have to believe me baby…trust in me.” His words fall gently against my face, I so badly want to believe him but I can’t. He wipes my face again and leans close to me, lightly kissing at the tears on my check. I shake my head and try to move away but he holds on to me, even tighter than before and continues to kiss my face and caress my skin. “I love you baby…believe me when I say I do. I love you more than anything in this world.”
“Don’t John, please don’t do this to me.”
“I love you! And I will tell you that as many times as I have to…Until…It…Sinks…In.” With every last word, he places a kiss somewhere along my face. I tightly purse my lips together when his mouth comes to mine, I don’t want to give in, and I’m too hurt to do that. His mouth closes over my lips and he sucks gently to free my lips from the tight hold they have on each other. Slowly and with more force, he loosens them apart and starts sucking at them, passionately moving his mouth along mine in gentle strokes. The powerful sucks from his mouth can be heard as it laps against mine, not forceful but strong enough to cause a few moans to escape from the back of my throat.
His hands have found their way on my body…lightly touching places to remind my senses of what has been long forgotten. I push my mouth further into him as I bring my body closer to his hands….making sure that his fingertips skim along every single part of my body.
I should be fighting him and pushing him away, this should not be an excuse to shut me up and stop my ongoing inquistion. But my body craves for his touch, his affection, and most importantly his love. I want to have him once again, I want to be reminded of what it used to feel like to be in his arms. I forgot what this part of my life was about and I won’t deny the fact that I had forgotten about it, up until I felt my marriage was being threatened by another woman. It was only up until then did I want to feel him again, his kiss, his touch, his tender strokes and loving stares as he fills me with every bit of love that he has for me.
My arms wrap around his neck and back while his arms encase me, wrapping around my waist and holding me tightly along his body. I can still feel the tears that continue to fall down my face as we kiss passionately against the kitchen counter. Our sudden movements catch me off gaurd as I pull away from our kiss, looking up into his eyes. They stare back at me, much darker then before and heavily covered with lust. He pulls my hands and attempts to lead me out the living room but I stop him to kiss him once more.
Blindly and clumsily, we travel backwards into the living room, tripping on one another and holding each other as close as possible to prevent us from falling over. We barely reach the couch and he grabs at me and roughly throws me down on the soft cushions and hastily crawls on top of me. Leaning down, his mouth comes into rough contact with mine as his hands begin to quickly undo at the bottons of my pajama top. My fingers shakily go to his belt as I fight to unbuckle it as quick as possible, our desperate movements making it hard for us to accomplish our missions.
After what seems like hours of trying to free each other from the constraints of our clothing, he gives up unbuttoning my top and simply removes it by bringing it up and over my head. Pulling up from my body, his fingers go to his belt and he undoes the buckle within moments. Next is his button and zipper of his black trousers that come undone. I watch him with heavy eyes as he removes his dress shirt and throws it over the coffee table.
Reaching down my body I begin to loosen my pants from my hips. I never get to take the initiative when it comes to undressing myself, because John usually is pretty quick to do that himself. However I don’t want to wait that long, I don’t want it to be just like the so many times we have made love before, same routine, same role we play. I want something different, I want to feel different. Its not like we are in the same predictament we were before, its an entirely different situation and a very huge difference now. Before it was all about loving one another and pure passion, now we are desperate to reach each other in any way shape or form, fighting for the chance to save what’s left of this marriage. Its the battle I promised we would never cross, the fight that is all about proving how much we need and love one another…the moment where we have to show pure physical actions just to feel confident that we are okay. We never had to do that before, all it took was a simple look, an innocent touch, and a carefree smile that could reassure us of where we stand. And now here we are, fighting to strip the clothes off our bodies, hoping that the mere contact of our skin rubbing against one another will spark some of the hope we may have left for us.
Unsuccessfully pulling at my pants, John reaches down and assists me by roughly grabbing the fabric and yanking them down my legs. Once he has freed me of the material, he leans down to kiss my stomach and works his way up my body. Spreading my legs for him, I pin his body to me while his lips press firmly against the sensitive skin of my neck. I bite my lower lip after a moan comes out louder than expected. Closing my eyes, I moan his name while running my fingers through his hair. I want to be so close to him but its almost as if I can’t get close enough. I pull him closer to me and wrap my legs around his hips, I’m desperate for him.
I don’t remember ever feeling this good, maybe its because of the situation we have found ourselves in that is making it so much more exciting and pleasurable.
His lips continue to suck at the heated flesh of my neck and then slowly skim to my chin before arriving at his intended target…my mouth. We kiss for several minutes, our hips already beginning the painfully slow grind, reminding us of how much we really do need eachother. I let out a loud moan that is muffled by his sweet kisses which causes his hands to travel down between our bodies, touching me in the spot that brings me quickly to the edge.
Its funny that in the rush of undressing eachother, we failed to remove the one last piece of material that prevents us from becoming one. I smile into his mouth as he lets out a sigh and pulls back from me, shoving my panties down my hips. Looking into my eyes, he smiles sweetly while stepping off the couch and removing the last piece of clothing from my body. After his boxers have been discarded, he crawls back over me and kisses my lips gently, whispering against my open mouth that he loves me and would never hurt me.
“Please believe me baby….believe me when I tell you I would never hurt you,” Easing back from the kiss he whispers again to me. “Never….I love you.”
Our mouths meet again as his fingers caress the skin of my face, lightly petting my cheek and moving the hair out of my face.
“I love you…” My confession can barely be heard, but I know he heard it because his kisses become even harder. Grunting in my mouth, he manages to tell me that he needs me and how I mean the world to him. I’m touched by his sweet confessions and I really do love him but that’s not the issue, that has never been the issue. I know that he loves me, and that he always will, its just the fact of not trusting him anymore. It hurts me to say it, it kills me to admit it to myself, I never thought I would be able to look at my husband and second guess every single word out of his mouth. I simply don’t trust him anymore and its very likely I won’t ever again.
I feel myself losing the urge to follow through with our lovemaking because I’m depressing myself with these thoughts of doubt running in my mind. Shaking the fears that float in my mind, I tell myself that I need this, that we need this…badly. My eyes stare into his when we pull back to catch our breaths and I keep my focus on him when I reach down between us, leading him to me.
I want to forget everything, if only for an hour. I will even settle for a lousy ten minutes if I have to, but I need to forget my pain. We kiss once more as we fall back onto the soft cushions, loving eachother in the only way we know how.
I turn my head and my eyes stay locked on the clock that sits on the piano, the same way they did not so many hours ago. The room feels as if its spinning and I fight to keep myself sane and under control. This would not be the time for me to pass out or push him away from me; after all, we need this badly. But I can’t seem to get images of him and another woman out of my mind. With every kiss or touch, I see him doing the same thing to another. Blinking my eyes, I try and keep the tears at bay but it’s useless, they glisten in my eyes and fall down my face. John, who is oblivious to my reaction, continues his foreplay as I lie still, under his body and wait. I wonder if he notices that I’m not participating at all for a reason, or does he simply think that I’m enjoying this and refuse to interrupt him. Either way, it doesn’t stop me from watching the hands on the clock tick by or wondering where he has been all night.
I shut my eyes when his lips skim down my stomach, and my fingers clench onto the blanket that lies along the back of the couch. My body begins to shiver, not in a good way, but he won’t tell the difference. It saddens to me to know so much has changed between us, when there once was a time that he would know every single thing about me and if I were doing what I am now months ago, he would have caught on and stopped. But he doesn’t and I doubt he will. He lifts my leg onto his shoulder as he slides his body further down the couch. I feel his tongue creep down my navel and further to an area I wouldn’t have minded him going a month ago…but it’s a new month and I don’t feel the way I did then, now. I don’t know what is wrong with me? I feel like I am spiraling out of control and my emotions are so unstable. Only 10 minutes ago was I wanting him to touch me and make love to me, but now I can’t wait till his mouth and hands are off me. Could it be me…could it be him…or could it be the simple thought of her that ruins this for me?
I hear his grunt against my skin and I bite my lower lip as his mouth engulfs the sensitive nerve that betrays what I’m feeling and continues to work on its own. His hand presses tightly into my skin as he clamps onto my thigh while his mouth continues to move along the folds of my womanhood. His fingers move me apart and I feel the tingles of his tongue as it runs up and down me, causing me to twitch and moan. My hands remain at my side and my fingers clench and unclench with every passing second. After minutes of his pleasurable torture, my hands are balled into fist as he picks up the pace of his sucks and kisses.
“Oh God….John…” My moan drifts off and is lost by the time it attempts to reach John’s ears. His tongue darts out and disappears into the inner crevices of my lower body, which cause my body to arch up and off the couch. His hands quickly grab onto my hips and keep me firmly planted along the soft cushion, never removing his face from overheated centre. I want to scream, I want to moan his name, I want to cry, and I want to ball into a fetal position and simply die…all these emotions hit at once and it’s too much for me to handle at one time. I feel so good yet I feel completely down at the same time. Is that even possible? Apparently it is because I’m suffering from all these ranges of emotions when I should simply be relaxed and enjoying myself.
My whole body begins to tingle and I feel a boiling heat that starts in my stomach and drops. The rush of heat starts at my toes and runs thru my entire body as the room darkens and my eyes shut tightly. All sound disappears and my ears ring from a high pitch sound that buzzes in my ear. It is only minutes later that I begin to hear the slight sucks of John’s mouth, heavy breathing, and his low grunts. Opening my eyes, I glance down as I see him remove his face from me, and smile softly before placing kisses all the way up my body again. He stops at my breasts and quickly nips at them gently which causes me to let out a gasp. Taking one in his mouth, his tongue toys with my nipple and swirls around it then flicks at it. Once he get the reaction he is looking for, he sucks roughly on them as he squeezes and presses tightly.
“John…baby.” I moan quietly but he ignores me and turns his attention to my other breast. Once he feels that he has completed his task, he skims his mouth up my neck and pulls at my skin, and then travels to my chin. Gliding his tongue between the dimples in my chin, he flicks at it and places a gentle kiss over it. My hands have yet to move from their spot along the sides of my body, but John takes care of that issue and reaches for my right hand. Unfolding my fingers from the balled fist they are tucked into, he intertwines our fingers and squeezes tightly as he takes my mouth in his and kisses me deeply. Our tongues meet as they slide against one another while our mouths move erotically over our lips in a slow pace.
Pulling away from my mouth, he looks down at our hands and undoes our fingers before looking into my eyes. Reaching my hand down, he puts it on his erection and leans down to my ear.
“This is yours baby…and only yours.” He whispers hotly against my ear as he guides my hand up and down his hardened muscle. I want to believe him but there is that slight doubt still. It’s slowly disappearing from my thoughts but not completely, John’s magic isn’t that miraculously powerful. He shuts his eyes tightly and lets out a low moan while biting his lip. After recovering, he dips down and takes my mouth again as we fight to gain control of the kiss. Our hands move quicker along him and he grunts in my mouth as he removes my hand from him and throws it up and above our heads.
“I want you baby…I want you so badly. I haven’t had you in so long and I have been dying to be with you,” His words are heavy as he leans down and kisses me on my mouth. “To love you,” Another kiss is placed along my chin followed by a flick of his tongue. “To touch you,” My neck is next on his list as he practically swallows the skin above my collarbone. “To be inside you.” With those final words, his mouth attaches to mine as my mind begins to spin. Could he be telling the truth, am I the only one that he turns to? My right arm is released and I finally bring my arm around him and on his neck as I pull him closer to my mouth, pinning him tightly.
My legs had parted long ago and welcomed his body to lie against mine. He moves his body up and down my centre, rubbing his thick muscle against my swollen nerve bundle. The pressure it creates feels exhilarating and completely pleasurable to every sense in my body. I can’t even begin to describe the pleasure it causes to feel his erection gliding along my folds while his tip occasionally pokes at my soaked entrance. Every time he flicks the tip towards my centre, it causes me to let out a breathless moan, creating a naughty smile to appear on his face. He begs me to tell him what I want, but I can’t talk and I don’t want to talk.
“Tell me Marlena…Tell me you want me?” I shake my head and close my eyes, determined to stay quiet. He knows what I want and he knows that he will give it to me with or without asking. But he is also determined to keep painfully still until I succumb to his demand, a demand that I’m not ready to give into.
“John…please…” That’s as far as I will go…he knows the rest. But as I look up at him, he shakes his head and smiles and mouths the question I don’t want to answer. “John…”
“That’s not the answer baby…at least that’s not the whole answer.” He smiles and rubs his erection into me again. Taking a deep breath, I shut my mouth and moan inwardly as my legs clamp tighter to his sides while my toes curl into his thighs. He knows I’m losing it and fast, but he won’t give up.
“John…I want…” I breathe deeply again as he rubs the tip of his erection into my entrance which causes him to close his eyes and breathe.
“Tell me now…” It’s a low growl and I know he is about to lose all self control.
“I want you John” The words barely leave my mouth when he slips inside me, gently and painfully slow. My hands press tightly to his back and my nails dig into his skin while he moves into me, pushing himself as far as he can go. I know he isn’t thinking too much about being gentle, or wondering if I am actually in pain. Instead he presses his forehead in my shoulder and breathes in my scent while I try to accommodate him in the best way I can. Opening my legs wider, I allow him to fall deeper into my body as I grip onto his back and take deep breaths. I hear my name as he cries it out into my skin while pushing back and forth gently in my body.
“I love you so much baby…I need you in my life…forever.” His confessions are sweet and so loving, they seem to fit the mood so well as he pulls his head from my neck area and looks into my eyes. Kissing my mouth, he begins to move his body quickly back and forth while I shut my eyes and enjoy the moment for what it is. I don’t want to think about anything else, I don’t want to think about our problems or past…I just want him and right now is what matters.
Our bodies have become slick with perspiration and our moans have become even louder than how they started off. My legs cling to his waist as he rides into my body even harder than before, lifting my lower half off the cushion with every push into my centre. I yank his thick black hair as my mouth drapes along his as we breathe into one another, moaning our pleasure for each other. Placing sloppy kisses, we grunt and cry as the thrusts become even more powerful, forcing us to a place we aren’t ready to reach yet. His thrusts stop suddenly and he breathes heavily before pulling out of my body. He leans up and stands on his knees and closes my legs as I watch him curiously, while he wipes the sweat from his forehead with his arm and mumbles he can’t do this. My eyes widen and I begin to sit up when he leans over quickly and pushes me back down, whispering for me to relax. He lifts back up again and my eyes focus on his large erection that stands tall above my knees. The low light from the moon outside glows throughout the room and falls upon our bodies, leaving a soft glow on us both. The light falls directly on his penis and seems to sparkle from the juices that cover the entire organ, which causes me to smile. He looks down and then at me to see where my curiosity has taken me and makes a face while leaning down and over me.
“So that makes you laugh huh?” His lips claim mine as I moan yes into his mouth. Our kiss ends and I look at him lovingly, touching his face to make sure he is alright.
“Is everything alright? Why are you stopping?” I have to ask, I just cannot not ask since we were in the middle of lovemaking only for it to come to a complete stop for no reason.
He kisses me again, whispering yes and if I were ready for more…and of course I nod. He adjusts my legs and then quickly pulls away and lifts back up off me. I stare at him as he grabs my hands and sits me up, while he leans back and lies along the couch.
“Finish me off Marlena…I want you on top and I want you to finish us both off. I want to see you.” His demand is sexy and it gives me new energy as I climb over him with his help and hover above his member. I go to lean my hand down but he stops me and hold himself for me with one hand while his other grasps at my hip and lowers me down onto him. We both shut our eyes and breathe out heavily as my body stiffens from the intrusion of his thick organ sliding through my entrance and gliding against my tighten walls. My hands fall upon his chest as the slender fingers entangle themselves in his chest hair. I rock my hips slowly at first, bringing them up and back down, and quickly changing it to rocking them forward and back. I do this pattern for a few minutes and watch his face closely, observing his facial expressions as my hips continue their rhythm along his penis. I feel that burn once again and my body tightens from excitement as I pick up the pace along his body. Bouncing my hips and then quickly rubbing them along him, his hands grasp as my waist and thighs as he cries out my name. I lift and fall, and then move back and forth and do a small circle as I slide down on him. He screams my name out louder as he begs for me not to stop, which encourages me to pick up the pace even more.
Within moments, I feel myself letting go and giving into the passion that is taking over my body. I am unable to hold off or control myself as my body begins to move against John’s on its own. Throwing my body down on his, I kiss his mouth and throw my arms above him as I continue to rock my hips back and forth as hard as I can. Crying out his name, I feel my body explode as I bite onto his chin and continue to meet each thrust that he gives me. Holding onto my hips, he presses into my skin tightly and guides me down hard and fast as he continues to pump into me at a dangerous speed, while moaning into my neck and occasionally nipping at the skin. His body twitches and jerks which signals he is near and it’s almost done for him. He pushes into me hard and I feel his seed as it releases throughout my body, clinging to the walls that are still clenching along his member. Our thrusts have begun to slow but still continue and are now gentle movements as we come down from the natural high we just gave one another.
Long after our breathing has returned to normal, long after he has pulled from my body and laid beside me, and much longer after the blanket from the couch has been tossed over our slightly heated bodies, do I turn my face towards him and prepare for the questions that are waiting to fall from my mouth. He stares at me with tired eyes and a weak smile appears on his face. Lifting his hand, he brushes my cheek and leans in to my face, kissing my lips in the smallest of kisses. After we pull away, I smile and watch his head fall back on the pillow as he closes his eyes and sighs.
Taking a deep breath, I look up at the ceiling and then close my eyes as well. Knowing I have to do this, I suck up the courage and figure this is as good of a time as any to start asking my questions.
“Are you going to tell me where you were tonight?” I feel his body stiffen beside me and I know he is going to try and dodge my question the best way he knows how. Opening my eyes I see his fidgeting fingers as they play with the sheet, tightening and loosening along the fabric. When he doesn’t answer me, I tightened my hold on the sheet along my chest as I sit up and look at him. “Well?”
Hearing his sigh causes the anger to build up in me once again. Is it so much to answer a simple question for your wife, especially if you are as innocent as you claim to be. He turns his face towards me and slowly opens his blue eyes and stares at me, never mumbling a word. Raising my eyebrow, I bite the inside of my mouth as I wait to hear this answer. Every second that passes only adds agony to my ego and extreme torture to the inside of mouth. He takes a deep breath and begins to sit up while I adjust myself so that I can look at him clearly.
“Marlena…why is that you won’t believe me when I tell you I was at a business meeting?”
“Because its bullshit…that’s why! No married man comes home at 2:30am from a business meeting without being asked questions. Tell me this…what location is open till 2am? Actually scratch that…Let me specify myself…What Location, A business location that is, stays open until 2am!”
“Jesus Christ Marlena…Plenty of places!” The tone of his voice is low, which only means he is as annoyed as I am but I don’t care. He removes the sheet from his body as he gets up off the couch and begins to search for his boxers.
“WHAT PLACES?!?!” I shout back as I gather the sheet and stand up from the couch to follow him in the room. He find his boxers and I snatch them from his hand as I wait for an answer.
“Marlena STOP!” His shout throws me off guard but I don’t flinch, instead I stand my ground and look him straight in his eyes. “Give me the shorts please?” He is calmer now, but I don’t give in…I play the game he wants to play.
Stepping back, I hold the sheet to me as I continue to firmly hold at his boxer shorts.
“Go ahead John…I am waiting for my answer. Tell me where you were and what place stays open till late in the night.”
“Marlena I swear I am so tired of this…If you do not stop playing these games..”
“What!?! What are you going to do John? Hit me??? Is that it…you want to hit me…then go right ahead and hit me.” The words spill so viciously from my lips that his expressions are priceless. He looks confused and so angry at the same time.
“What the hell are you talking about….I would never hit you! That is not what I want to do Marlena. Look…can’t we just give it a rest and call it a night please. Can’t we be the happy married couple and just love one another.”
“Who the hell is happy??? I am not happy and I swear to God… I know you aren’t happy either! If you were, you would have been home with me…not running around burying yourself with work and God knows only what else these past few months.” The tears begin to form in my eyes but I fight as much as possible not to let them show. “Don’t you wonder about me anymore John? Don’t you stop and think that maybe your wife shouldn’t be alone…or that maybe she is suffering just as much as you. NO you don’t because these days you have become such a selfish prick who is only concerned about himself. You are a man that I don’t even know anymore…you aren’t the man I fell in love with before…you aren’t the husband that I married.”
“Yeah well neither are you baby…you aren’t the woman that I married either.” His words sting but I have a comeback for them all.
“Well that may be but I am not the one running around, sneaking in the door late at night either.” We stay quiet, neither of us knowing what to say at this very moment. “Tell me where you were!” I cannot remain calm…in fact I can’t even try to have a civilized conversation right now.
“Baby…just stop. Please! Do not so this right now…trust me when I say this please…that I would not betray you.”
“Why can’t you answer a simple question John? I’m not asking you a question about rocket science!”
“I love you Marlena.” The comment is sweet and very quiet but it doesn’t do enough to keep me quiet and let things go.
“If you did love me…if you love me the way you say you do…then Love should have brought your ass home to me early tonight and the rest of the other nights…and it didn’t. Love should have kept you from betraying me and it didn’t!” My tears now fall down my face, I am unable to hold them in any longer. He stops and makes a face as he holds out his hands.
“Woah I NEVER betrayed you…I have never cheated on you and never will Marlena! Where did you get that idea from?”
“It doesn’t matter how I got the idea…just be man enough and admit it. Once you do that we can move on with our lives and you go your way and I will go mine. We don’t have anything to fight or stick around for…Belle and Brady are grown and Jonathon is dead.” The words come out so easily that I don’t realize what I have said until they have come out from mouth. I see the pain in his face and for the first time tonight…I regret those words. That comment alone should have made me stop but it doesn’t…I feel the need to hurt him more.
“Maybe she can give you a son…one that will survive this time. I can do no more for you apparently.” My sobs are heartbreaking even for me to hear but it doesn’t matter. This night finished right where it started…square one…depressed, confused, torn, heartbroken, and all alone.
Throwing his boxer shorts at him, I turn away and begin to make my way up the stairs. I don’t know where we will go from here but at this point…it can’t get any worse. We have hit rock bottom and from there, we can only go one way…and that’s up. With or without each other.
Many people would think how bad things can get after you hit rock bottom. I will admit I used to be one of those naïve and clueless people but its amazing how things change once you have experienced the trauma of being in such an unbearable stage in life. I now sympathize with those who find themselves in the same pit I have fallen into.
Do I pity myself? There are days I would believe that I do and then the fog begins to clear and I have a different outlook on life. But today is one of those fog filled days.
John has been avoiding me since our argument three weeks ago. Why I allowed myself to make love to him is beyond my conscious. With all the training I have had in my career, I went against all the rules and allowed myself to be hypnotized by him in my weakness. I strongly disagree with what I have done and I preach to my patients time and again to never cave into physical actions but to fight them until they are emotionally able to accept the consequences intimacy can bring. The coward that I am fell right into that trap and did nothing to stop it, even when I knew in there was a major issue brewing in the back of my mind. He may have not put to rest that issue, in fact he dodged it, and the fool that I am accepted it with no questions asked.
Can I blame that on love? They always say love is blind and the situations we always promised ourselves to never succumb to, we end up doing and always will. I still use love as an excuse and for some reason…it’s the only acceptable excuse that works for me.
The room feels cold and empty as I look around blankly, unable to stop my mind from working overtime with assumptions and solutions. I purposely went back to work to avoid what I am doing now, thinking. If only for an hour, my mind concentrates on someone else’s problems other then my inner turmoil and failing family. It feels good to help others in pain and to see their face light up when you mention a possible solution that has the potential of improving their life, even if it’s just a bit. How I envy them at moments like those. There is no one to give me the answers I need and not a soul out there who can guide me through this pain and suffering I’m unable to break free from.
A soft knock at my office door captures my attention which triggers a soft nip at my lower lip and a glance at my watch. Sighing, I stand up from my chair and make my way over to the heavy wooden door. My face drops when I open the door, my husband on the other end who looks just as confused as I probably do, brings an unexpected shock. Making a face, I wonder why he is here since he hasn’t made any attempt to try and start a conversation with me in the last few weeks.
Clearing my throat, I look at him and then to the carpeted floor. “I’m a little surprised to see you. What are you doing here?”
“I know, it’s not everyday that I stop by my wife’s office just to visit.” His smile is contagious and maybe if this was three weeks ago, I wouldn’t have returned the smile he just presented me with. Maybe we are long overdue.
“Oh is that so? So you just wanted to stop by and visit? Why now, considering I do live at home with you and you barely acknowledge me there?”
He looks defeated when he shrugs his shoulders and takes a deep breath. “Look Marlena, isn’t it enough for me to come over today just because I wanted to see you?”
“No it’s not actually. You didn’t answer my question….you see me everyday. So why now?” My temper flares a little bit and his attitude goes from being laid back to on guard. That could be my doing but then again…what isn’t.
“We aren’t the same people we used to be. We aren’t the same couple and that scares me.” He walks past me and into my office as I stand there with my hand still on the door handle. Looking back at him, I notice how he takes a seat on the edge of the couch and makes himself comfortable. Turning back to the lobby, I look around aimlessly before closing my door and leaning against it.
“These are all things I have heard before John. That still doesn’t give me a valid reason for coming over here today. What do you want to tell me because I know there has to be a reason why you are here?” He looks up at me with sad eyes but doesn’t say a word. We stare at each other for what seems like hours but in reality, a mere few seconds have only passed. I want to sit next to him but I feel as if that my being close to him will only add fuel to a fire that I am trying to avoid. Instead I remain firmly planted across from him, arms crossed and completely unattached from the situation and from him.
His eyes look dark and distant; his appearance isn’t what it used to be. He is exhausted, drained, and I’m sure shattered but that is not something I caused. I’m so tired of taking the blame for everything and trying to make our lives perfect for someone else who didn’t give a damn and single handedly ruined it. All my life I have played the perfect Marlena, the flawless wife and mother who turned herself upside down for the sake of her family. Those days are long gone and I refuse to live a lie.
“Do you really believe I could ever cheat on you?” His question jumps at me that I forget what I was internally debating about. I sigh and drop my gaze back to the floor, smiling for a second before shaking my head in disbelief.
“This conversation couldn’t wait until we were home? You couldn’t have brought this up three weeks ago?” My tone is calm but inside I’m agitated and I’m counting the seconds until I lose my composure.
“Can’t you just answer the question or is that ridiculous of a question?”
“No John! It is not a ridiculous question…this situation is ridiculous. Do I believe you cheated, YES I do. Do I believe that you are still cheating? Yes without a doubt! There is my answer, satisfied!” My arms still remain tightly crossed as I step back and walk over to my desk.
“You know Dominique, she is a very sweet and special woman. There are a lot of things I depend on her for,” I interrupt him with a laugh, raising my hands for him to stop.
“You can stop now, I do not want to hear the gushy details about your mistress or of your adulterous affair.” I begin frantically moving my hands along the desk to pack up papers and folders. I try to keep myself busy because I am afraid that if I don’t, I will break down and cry and I cannot risk that.
“She manages to keep me sane, even after all the trauma we,” He moves his hands and gestures to both him and I, “have experienced. I don’t know how I would have made it if she didn’t help me through this.”
“STOP IT!” He looks up at me when I shout out those words. He stands up from the couch and begins to walk over to my desk.
“Marlena, hear me out please.”
“No, get out! We have nothing to talk about anymore. I honestly don’t see why we should even talk or why we are continuing on like this. As of tomorrow, I will see my lawyer and discuss divorce proceedings. I see no need to continue on like this anymore, it’s pointless.” I reach for my purse as he comes around the desk but I back up just as quick and warn him to leave.
“No, no, no Marlena…wait just wait. You are taking this way out of control. Let me explain please.” He is pleading with me as he tries to come around the desk near me, but I keep moving back.
“No John…It is over. I refuse to be trapped in this situation. I deserve better then this.” Tears finally fall from my eyes as I angrily swipe at them. Taking a deep breath I try and refocus, hoping that I do not get caught up in all of the emotion that is taking over. Turning my back to him, I reach for the box of tissue on my table to wipe my eyes that must look incredibly sexy right about now. Sniffing back my tears, I pat down the tissue to my skin as I feel his hand on my arm. Swinging my arm a little, I manage to remove his fingers from my shoulder while taking a few more steps to put some distance between us.
“Marlena…sweetheart please don’t do this.” I don’t have the strength to argue anymore; instead I remain quiet and listen. The hum of the air conditioner and my gentle sniffs is all that can be heard, silence has taken over us. “I need you to know that I never have cheated on you.”
Looking up at him, I narrow my eyes at him and tightened my jaw. “You’re a liar.”
“Dominique is an assistant of Basic Black, that’s all she is.” He must see the look of disbelief on my face because he holds his hands up in defense and takes a seat on the couch once more. “Dominique has been with us for over a year now. You never met her before because she personally does not work with me but with our VP of operations.”
I hear him out as I lean against the file cabinet while crossing my arms over my chest again. He tells me about how they met and how she was a wonderful girl who was nothing more but a friend.
“There was nothing romantic between her and I. She did her job, took over tasks and corporate events that I didn’t have the strength to handle. She came in at the right moment and it is because of her that Basic Black is still on its feet. But that is all she had her hands on…My Company and nothing else.” He watches me, studying my expressions to see if I would buy into his excuse. To be honest, I’m probably even more confused as I was to begin with. Part of me doesn’t want to believe him, part of me wants to believe he is lying and being a typical “man”. However, the other part….the deeper part of my heart and soul wants to reach out and accept that story.
I can’t do that and I won’t. I’m so tired of playing the games we do and if I don’t end it now…we will always be stuck fighting this battle.
Closing my eyes, I drop my head and focus on my shoes. I am getting good at staring at the ground as the weeks pass by. “I think you need to go…it’s for the best.” He calls my name and I shake my head. I never open my eyes, if I did I would see the pain and I can’t face that, not yet anyway. “Just go…please.”
“You believe me, don’t you?”
Finally looking into his eyes, I shrug and sigh. “I honestly don’t even know anymore John. I don’t know how I can believe you…we have done so much damage that I don’t know where to fix things. I think we have gotten to the point that is irreconcilable, it’s pointless….its over.”
My mind clouds when his lips are on mine and his hands are tightly pressed against my face. How did we get here?
I push at his hands and his body while prying my mouth from him. “Stop it John.”
“I love you Marlena…Don’t do this…don’t end us like this.” His movements are aggressive which makes it nearly impossible to fight off. Slapping at his chest, I cry into his mouth as he kisses harder while lifting me against the file cabinet.
“Noooo….stop it!” I should be used to being ignored during times such as this but there is always that chance I will be heard. And today I am determined…even if I have to fight him off me. I manage to remove my hand from his grasp and I swipe at his face. His reaction is quick as he pulls away and looks at me, unsure of what is happening between us. “Leave me alone John. I mean it…we are not going to do this. Not again and not anymore.”
Within seconds he is back in my face and my hands have been pinned behind my back. He bites at my lips to pry open my mouth until his teeth find a spot along my jaw line.
Somewhere between biting and kissing, I caved in and allowed myself to be used. I’m ashamed of myself; I’m disappointed that I don’t have the courage to fight him in times like this. What kind of woman have I become…what kind of example am I setting for my daughters, stepdaughters, nieces, women all over the world. That it is alright to be manhandled and taken without permission and whenever a male should please…and we have no rights to fight them.
His hands run up my thighs and to my hips where he brings me closer to the edge of the cabinet. Closing my eyes I feel him slip inside as I cry out into his neck. His movements are quick and rough, painful yet a small hint of pleasure. The room is spinning in different directions and I feel faint as he plunges into the depths of my body. No words are spoken between us. His heavy breathing and occasional low pitched moans can be heard. The pace becomes frantic and I lean back along the wall as he slams harder, counting down the seconds until it is all over.
He grunts my name and for the first time, I don’t feel proud but cheap. I can’t imagine why I gave in to such deception. It’s also amazing how I’m resisting the passion that so badly wants to consume my entire being. My body is crying out for it but it’s as if every nerve inside is betraying the commands my body is demanding.
His hand tugs on my hair which causes my head to dip back, exposing my neck entirely. His lips latch onto the skin of my neck as he bites and sucks, all the while moving back and forth within my body. I’ve suddenly become a mute, nothing comes from me. I can’t even release a simple word, groan, moan, or deep sigh that I usually do.
Quick sloppy thrusts take over and his entire body jerks as he lets out a guttural moan with a heavy pant immediately following after. He calls my name softly as I sit there and close my eyes, afraid to move or even respond. I feel him pull from me as he takes deep breaths and slowly pulls up his pants. Adjusting himself, he takes a seat on the couch and dips his face into his hands, almost as if he is regretting what just happened between us. My behavior is as expected, quiet and distant. Pulling down my skirt a bit, I lower myself from the cabinet and try to regain use of my legs. After I have recovered from the loss of balance, I make my way to the corner bathroom in my office and slowly close the door. Tears fall from eyes almost immediately and I can’t tell if it’s from simply depression and unhappiness or if I am just that ashamed of myself. Reaching for some tissue, I remove my satin panties and begin to wipe John’s seed that continues to seep from me.
After looking over my makeup and clothes once more in the mirror, I clear my throat and open the door. Expecting to see John still sitting in my office, I’m shocked to find him gone and without a word. A part of me is relieved because I didn’t want to face him, but another part is upset and hurt that he could walk out after what just happened.
*~*~*~*~*
I turn the key in my lock as I open the front door to our home, slowly pushing on the light colored oak wood. The evening sun is still shining through our French doors, leaving a soft orangey glow throughout the room. Placing my purse and briefcase on the desk, I begin to go through the mail when I hear footsteps behind me. Knowing exactly who it is, I don’t bother turning around and continue flipping through the mail that we received today.
“I’m glad you made it home safely….I’m glad your home.”
“I’m so sure.” Throwing down some letters, I grab one of my letters and begin to walk away to the kitchen. Making my way through our marble covered kitchen, I toss the letter on the counter and open the refrigerator, searching for something to nibble on. To be honest I don’t have an appetite, but I know I have to eat so I force myself to pick at something. Finding some left over pasta, I pull out the container and put it on the counter.
He joins me in the kitchen as I’m placing my food in the microwave. I can tell he is struggling to find a word that he can possibly say…it’s completely evident. I don’t bother saying a thing; I simply go back to reading my letter and waiting for my food to heat up.
“Marlena sweetheart….look I don’t know how to say this at all so I’m just going to jump and take the plunge. I’m sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. I didn’t go to your office to make love to you.”
“Is that what you’re calling it?” I interrupt his heartfelt confession as I continue skimming through my letter. “Making love?” I finally move my gaze to his as he uncomfortably shifts and looks towards another direction. “Speechless?”
“I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to leave the way I did but I felt horrible after. It had nothing to do with you…it’s what I did to you.” I continue looking at him as he keeps his eyes on everywhere else but me. “It all came to me, reality, after it was over. For the first time, you weren’t into it…you didn’t want it. It was as if I was sexually assaulting you and that killed me Marlena. I didn’t know what to say or do…so I did what I thought was best at that time and I left.”
The microwave has long been off since this conversation started but I haven’t moved an inch to grab anything. I simply stay still in one spot, cemented to the ground as I watch him with unforgiving eyes.
“Is that all you have to say?”
“Yes” He turns to leave then stops and quickly turns around. “No its not…well yes….I don’t know. Marlena I don’t want us to be like this…I can’t go on like this.”
“The solution is simple John…divorce. We discussed this and it’s the best thing to do.” My appetite is beyond gone and I have given up the idea on eating. Walking past the microwave, I leave the kitchen and head on upstairs to my bedroom. It use to be known as ours, when we were more in the husband and wife role, but I don’t see it that way…not anymore. I simply want to remove my clothes, jump in the shower and crawl into bed. Today was more then I could handle and I’m anxious to end today as quickly as possible.
The heated water beats down my back as the warm steam surrounds me and melts into my pores. Leaning against the marble wall, I close my eyes and think about today’s events. My mind flashes to moments with John and how he had me pressed against the wall, marking my insides with traces of him. I can’t deny that it wasn’t pleasurable; I would be lying if I said it wasn’t…but it wasn’t like what we had or the bond we used to depend on through tough times. I truly believe we have lost or broken that bond, and when that happens…what’s next? I couldn’t say but there is tomorrow and whether he is in my future or not… only time will tell. So far it doesn’t look promising and I still have every intention of contacting my lawyer tomorrow to file divorce paperwork.
Wrapped in a white silk robe, I slip from my steam filled bathroom and make my way to my bedroom. I find John sitting on the loveseat in the corner of the room looking out our balcony windows, staring at nothing in particular. He turns his gaze to me and I stop moving, I just stare back.
“Are you still planning on seeing your lawyer?”
I begin to hesitate but then quickly stop. “I am, why?”
He closes his eyes and sits forward, bringing his elbows to rest on his knees. “I don’t think you should…I think we could work things out.”
Shaking my head, I make my way to my dresser and pull open the drawer, searching for pajamas to wear.
“Please…”
Turning my head quickly, I face him and sigh. “Please what John? Please don’t do this…don’t leave…don’t end us like this? I’m tired of playing this game, I’m tired of being handed the guilt trip and me caving in each and every time only to suffer from the consequences. I’m so tired…I want out. We are no good anymore. We tried and we failed.” I turn back to my drawer as I continue to dig, I’m lost at the idea of what I was looking for to begin with.
He stands behind me as we lock gazes in the mirror in front of us. “Don’t…I mean it.” I warn him as he nods and raises his hands.
“I’m not doing anything nor do I have any intention to. Please just hear me out…sit down please.”
“John…” I whine as he places a gentle hand on my upper arm to guide me to sit on the bed. “We have talked….all we have done was talk and it didn’t solve anything. There is nothing else to talk about.”
“Please just hear me out…” he looks at me with sad eyes and like the moron I am, I cave once again and sit along the edge of the bed. He squats down in front of me and stares up from the ground. “I don’t want to lose you. We are more then this…we are not like every married couple out there. Yes we are going to have problems but it’s nothing we can’t solve.”
“I don’t trust you anymore John. You have broken my trust…and that’s not something that can be gained back once its gone.”
“Sweetheart I didn’t do anything wrong. I swear on everything I never ever slept with Dominque. I never had an affair with her. That is the honest to God truth. I would never betray you and I would never ever want another woman. I fought to hard to have you in my life and there is no way in hell I would risk losing you for one fling that wouldn’t mean a thing to me. You have to believe me.”
“And why should I believe you John? Why should I take the word of John Black? Because you say so and you can’t possibly be lying to me?” Am I being too harsh? I can’t help the way I feel…this is my chance to be heard.
“Believe me because I have nothing to hide. Believe me because I am the man who worships the very ground you walk on. Believe me because I am the very soul who suffers along with yours in every waking moment of our lives since Jonathon passed away. Believe me because I am the man who loves you beyond all depths of this earth. Believe me…believe in me.” His hands have melded with mine as they rest in my lap. I watch as the tears fall down his cheek. I so badly want to believe him but I can’t be sure that I won’t be hurt if I do. There is no guarantee that my heart won’t be broken if all this turned out be lies.
I’m torn in so many ways and I don’t know what to decide. I want to leave…I want to quit. But part of me is wondering if that’s really the right decision. When I vowed to love and honor him for better or worse…wasn’t that suppose to be forever. But what if he broke those vows, what if he is lying now and he did actually have the affair. Too many thoughts are bouncing in my head and I don’t know what to believe.
“I’m sorry about today, I truly am. I didn’t mean for that to happen that way…I never wanted to make you feel that way.” His hand has made its way to my cheek as he cups my face tenderly before moving to cup my chin. “I’m so very sorry.”
I don’t speak, I only nod and sniff back tears as we remain quiet. He is now kneeling before me and he rests his head in my lap, running his hands on the side of my satin covered thighs. I hesitate once again before placing my hand in his hair and running my fingers against his scalp. He cries into my lap as he balls his hands into fists along my legs.
“I’m sorry baby…I really am. I never meant to hurt you. Please don’t leave me…don’t leave me here alone. I can’t make it without you.”
“Shh don’t cry…its ok. It’s going to be okay John.” I choke on my tears as he looks up and reaches for my face. He slowly leans into my lips and he stops before touching them. He just looks into my eyes, silently asking for permission. I close them after giving a soft nod, feeling his lips touch mine in the gentlest of kisses.
“Don’t give up on us. I’m begging this of you…please.” He mumbles these words along my lips before taking my mouth in a deeper kiss. We move our mouths perfectly along one another, neither of us rushing into anything, but simply enjoying the sweetest of kisses. Pulling away, I look into his eyes as my hands begin to slowly unbutton his dress shirt. Once I have removed it from his body, we connect our mouths once more as he slowly stands up before me.
“Are you sure baby?” I give a nod and kiss him back, running my hands down his face.
“We need this….we need each other. We need to get back to the basics.” I whisper this along his neck as I move my hands to his belt and zipper.
Hands work quickly as they slowly undress him of any clothing barriers. My robe still remains in tact and I’m wondering why he hasn’t made a move. Before I could even initiate anything sexually, he stops me and lies me down along the bed. Untying my silk belt, he opens the robe that has hidden my naked heated flesh. Placing his mouth along my stomach, he runs his lips down the curves of my waist and along my hips.
He takes his time to shower my body with affection and he doesn’t stop until he gets the reaction he wants, my body writhing from an intense climax. I forgot what it feels like to enjoy sex, to feel loved and wanted and to want this feeling in return.
We roll along each other under the thin beige sheet as we kiss tenderly while moving our bodies against one another. Our hands caress one another in areas we know will bring intense pleasure. Slowly we turn as John pins me along the mattress and dips into my body slowly, only to pull back even slower. He does this move for a few minutes before leaning down and capturing my lips. Our tongues move along one another to the same rhythm of our hips.
The pace picks up just a bit as he moves his hips into me, deeper with each thrust. Moving his hand down my thigh, he slides it beneath my calf and lifts my leg higher, bringing it to rest along his upper arm. At this angle, he moves deeper within my inner walls as I close my eyes and cry out his name, whispering for him not to stop. He pushes harder but does not rush our pace which builds up my orgasm intensely high.
Removing my leg from his upper arm, he rubs my thigh and calf to make sure I didn’t pull a muscle, all the while, continuously moving his body into me. Resting his body along mine, I lift my legs along his back as he begins to move quicker within my body, pushing me beyond the brink of sanity.
“Oh God John…don’t stop honey…please don’t.” My words fall out as moans, which encourages him to slide inside me quicker.
” You almost there sweetheart?”
“Yes…I’m right…there.” He pushes deeper as I finish my sentence. “Yes…”
“I love you baby…I love you so damn much.” His movements are shaky which means he is about to lose all control.
“I love you too….I love you.” I lose all thoughts as my world slips before me and I feel as if I’m freefalling. My stomach flutters and body shivers from the intensity of the orgasm. Shutting my eyes, I hold onto his body as I sing out ‘love yous’ and grip his hips tightly with my legs.
“I love you” He kisses me and rocks his hips gently until he chokes out a cry and pushes into me as deep as he can possibly go. Releasing himself within my body makes him feel as close to me as he can possibly get, so he used to say. I believe that’s true and for a man, there is some sort of satisfaction and pride that comes along with it.
When we recover from our natural highs, we look at one another and smile. Our mouths meet once more in a sweet and tender kiss that leaves me breathless. After the soft caress and sweetest kisses, he crawls from my body and spoons me tightly. Kissing the base of my neck, he promises me we will be okay and I believe him. I don’t know exactly if that is true but for now I will settle for that promise. It doesn’t take long for us to find sleep and for the first time in a very long time, I’m happy and content. What tomorrow will bring, I don’t know. I just know that we have now, and right now is all that matters.
It’s still hard to try and get back to the way we used to be before our tragedy. It’s even harder to try and play the role of a loving spouse when you already have been entertained with the idea that your significant other has been unfaithful, no matter how many times that point has been put to rest…or attempted.
We still go about our normal lives, putting in a bit more effort to show each other attention and amorous affection we forgot about after Jonathon. I can’t help but feel as if I am acting out a scene though, playing a role for a character that I am nothing like. I put on the smile and the face that he wants to see, but inside I still feel hopeless. I am constantly waiting for a situation to occur or for something to explode beyond our control that gives us the reason to go back to the way we used to be months ago. I am basically waiting for the moment where the bottom drops and will allow me to give him the divorce.
That is horrible isn’t? I know it’s so selfish of me to even think of our situation that way but its human nature. As adults we prepare ourselves for the unexpected, always knowing something can occur in someway shape or form. Should you have a good job, the thought of being fired is never far from your mind. If you buy a new car, the simple thought of it being scratched or hit stays in your thoughts. Suppose you have an excellent relationship, ideas of infidelity seem to pop into your head. As humans, we never seem to be satisfied with the idea of now. We jump ahead to the future and prepare for the ‘what ifs’. Its no way to live but we can’t help that; we have been emotionally trained for that kind of outlook on life.
Watching us from afar you would never think those thoughts cross my mind. We look happy, we look like the couple who is working on recovering from a traumatic experience and are completely in love. I do love my husband, I cannot deny that fact. But I lost the trust in him no matter how many times he proves over and over he was not unfaithful. I have not met Dominique since our fallout nor do I have any intention to. He asked me many times to accompany him to social gatherings for Basic Black and I declined, for the simple reason of not wanting to see her. Of course I used another excuse which he bought, but if my husband knew me…the way he used to…he would have known exactly why I was refusing to attend.
We laugh, we joke, we hold hands and hold one another close during quiet moments at home. We do everything we are supposed to do but something is off, and it’s that part of my mind that won’t rest. It’s that part that drives me crazy and makes me wonder a million and one situations that could be possibly be happening. If my husband says he is going to a function, I wonder if she will be there and what will they do after a few drinks. If he tells me he is running late because of a meeting or a business trip comes up, thoughts of her with him cross my mind. I probably need a therapist…we most likely need marriage counseling. However, I would never voice my thoughts to John who believes we are perfectly fine, therefore; we would never see the inside of a therapist’s office.
I allow him to make love to me when he comes home late in the night. I allow his hands to divest me of any clothing I may have on while his kisses linger along my skin. I do all the right things and have all the right reactions during our time together behind closed bedroom doors. I even fall asleep in his arms as if nothing is bothering me, but secretly in the back of my mind, I wonder if he was with her before he joined me in my bed tonight. I don’t have proof nor are there any signs that could lead me to believe such a ridiculous idea. But I believe it…and it’s burned into my brain.
When he isn’t around, I slip in Jonathon’s room and cuddle along his blankets. It still remains the way it was, neither of us removing a thing from the nursery. John and I haven’t mentioned much about this issue and we usually dance around the topic if it gets brought up. I made it clear that I wanted his room to remain in tact and he agreed for our sake. Now does he agree with the idea, I do not know and that is not my problem. My wish is to leave Jonathon’s room as is and for ever how long it will remain that way is my call. I dust off the pictures and dressers from time to time, folding blankets and moving them from one side of the crib to the other. Some therapists would say this is unhealthy and disagree with what I am doing completely, purely because it prevents you from moving into the future and living in the past. But I don’t care, this is my life and if I choose to keep my son’s memory alive by living this way…so be it.
Weeks ago, we were at a family function at Tuscany, enjoying our time together. John had a few drinks, as did I which made the night a bit more tolerable then how it usually is on a normal basis. John began talking about Jonathon’s room which left me a little on edge but I listened to him, hoping he had a good point to bringing up such a topic. He held me close as our bodies swayed to the soft music while his lips lightly ran against my ear, nipping at it from time to time. He talked about the room and how we should maybe do something about that. Pulling away, I look at him and begin to open my mouth when he stops me with his finger. He leaned back to my ear and apologized for the way it sounded but that is not what he meant.
“What did you mean then by that comment?”
His mouth remained close to my ear as he whispered his wish. Pulling away from him once more, my mouth drops in shock as I my eyes widen in surprise.
“You want to have another baby?” He nods and explains that it is in no way to replace Jonathon but to try and get back the way we used to be. Another life would be a blessing and he believes Jonathon would want that for us. Shaking my head, I refuse to hear the idea, repeating over and over how I don’t want another child.
After the initial shock of his bombshell, we had a few more glasses of champagne which made me lose all previous thoughts and concerns I voiced before. That night we went home and made love for hours, over and over again. He promised to give me another child and tried as hard as he possibly could to implant a child within my womb that night. I hoped to God that his dream wouldn’t come true and that I would not be graced with another life inside my body. I didn’t want another child, I wanted Jonathon and that is something I could never have back. I also knew the chances of me becoming pregnant again were extremely slim. Jonathon was a miracle neither of us expected. My body can’t handle another pregnancy, and by some miraculous chance it can, there is no guarantee that the child could be healthy. However, I remained silent and allowed my husband to believe I wanted his wish and that it could happen.
I stopped taking birth control before Jonathon’s conception. At that time, I wanted to give John another baby and even though I knew the chances were slim due to my age, I tried anyway. The results were miraculous but after his death, I didn’t bother getting back on any contraceptives. There was no point, I knew getting pregnant again was not in the cards. My doctor discussed the possibilities of it occurring again and they weren’t high unless it was during the 3 month period after birth. I wasn’t concern then and I’m not now.
I tend to have all kinds of memories that run though my mind during various times of the day such as today. Glancing at my watch, I notice it’s almost about the time John usually arrives home and there is nothing prepared to eat. Surprisingly I have tried to become the housewife as well and played around with the cook book, not that John would recommend it to anyone but he seems to enjoy this “hobby” I have taken up. Quickly changing out of my work clothes, I toss them along the loveseat in our bedroom and change into a pair of white yoga pants and matching tank top. Hating to walk around bare footed around the house, I toss on a pair of socks and head on downstairs to the kitchen. I begin flipping through the book, wondering what could be the quickest and easiest meal. Unfortunately a cook book is not ideal for an ‘on the go’ meal so I head to the cabinet and begin moving around items. Deciding on chicken tenders and mashed potatoes, I quickly put myself to work while flipping on the TV in the kitchen.
Just like clock work, I hear John come through the door as I glace at the time on the microwave. Finishing up the potatoes, I move them from off the burner to the other side of the stove. Grabbing plates, I begin to place vegetables and chicken tenders on the plate as John walks through the kitchen doorway.
“There is my beautiful wife.” He smiles as I smile back and concentrate on the plates.
“Hi honey…how was your day?” I ask as I peck his lips quickly once he walks up to me and turn back to putting the food carefully on each plate. Throwing his suit jacket on the chair, he reaches for a bottle of wine and begins to open it with a corkscrew.
“It wasn’t bad…few meetings that went decently well, signed a few deals. Besides that it wasn’t too eventful. How was yours?”
Grabbing the plates and moving them to the table in the corner, I set them down and walk back to get utensils.
“Oh not too bad. Same exact routine but different day.” Leaning over me, he grabs two wine glasses from the cabinet and begins to pour wine into them while I sit down at the table. After placing my glass in front of me, he steals a kiss and then a peck on my nose before sitting across from me and sipping his wine.
“This looks good…thank you sweetheart.”
Smiling, I whisper ‘your welcome’ before reaching for my fork and taking a bite of my food. We talk over dinner, laughing at a few jokes and talking about upcoming family
get togethers. We talk about Belle and Brady, who they are dating, and Belle’s grades at school. We cover all the basic conversation until we get to a point where we there really isn’t much to say. Reaching for my glass, I sip my wine as he watches me closely before reaching for his. Setting the glass down, I reach for my fork and ask him what he was thinking just now when he was looking at me.
“A few ideas actually but we can get to one of those later.” He winks at me and I smile after taking a bite of the chicken.
“What about the other couple ideas you were thinking about? Want to talk about those?” His face tenses a bit and he wipes his mouth with the napkin before placing it back on his lap.
“It’s nothing important…I was just wondering.”
“Oh yeah…wondering about what?” Taking another bite I watch him as he seems to struggle with how to put his thoughts into words.
“Its not important…lets just eat.” He grabs his fork and begins to poke at his food when I mention that I want to hear what he has to say. Lifting my glass of wine…I tell him to relax and just tell me already. Clearing his throat, he lifts his glass as well and looks at me. “Any signs yet?”
Pulling the glass from my lips, I purse my lips together and look at him. “Any signs of what?” I am confused as to what he means and I just stare back at him as he looks out the window and then back towards me.
“Are you pregnant yet?” Taking a deep gulp, he keeps his eyes on me as I drop my gaze to my plate and set down my wine. Shaking my head, I reach for my napkin and wipe my mouth gently before leaning back in my chair. “I guess we should try again tonight then huh?” He smiles but I’m not amused and not really in the mood to play along to his game this time.
“John, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to have another baby, I think I’m done…we’re done. We are too old to be trying to create a family or extend to our already full family.” His face shows disappointment as he watches me twitch in my chair.
“This is the first time I am hearing this…what brought this on? You haven’t voiced any concern about this before.”
“Yes I did…at Tuscany but you ignored me and didn’t listen to what I had to say.” My voice is cracking and I reach for my glass to take another sip.
“I also remember us coming home and making love and you telling me to get you pregnant.” Grabbing my napkin, I throw it on the table as I pull away from the table.
“That never ever happened. I never said that to you…you mentioned constantly how you wanted me to become pregnant that night…I never responded to that. That is unless you consider a moan a response?”
“I actually do.”
“Oh my mistake…next time I will make sure I moan correctly so you don’t get the wrong impression that I am asking you to impregnate me again.” Standing up, I walk over to the kitchen counter and leave my plate there. Needing space, I leave the kitchen and make my way to the balcony. I feel him even before he ever steps onto the balcony…I know when he is around. My body reacts to his presence and the hairs on the back of my neck begin to rise while goose bumps cover my body. He still has that effect and I don’t think I will ever lose that.
“I’m sorry, I had no right to put pressure on you. I know this is a tough issue and it was insensitive of me to bring it up.”
Sighing I close my eyes and wrap my arms around my waist a little tighter then usual. “Cut the crap John. You want the baby more than I do, regardless of how sincere you may sound right now. So why don’t you just be honest with me right here and right now?” I turn around and face him. He nods and puts his hands in the pockets of his trousers.
“Yeah I do…I won’t lie. But it’s not about being selfish and trying to forget him.”
“Its not? Geez John…I mean Jonathon has only been dead 6 months. Why not add to the family…it is about that time right?” I feel the tears burn my eyes as they fall carelessly down my face. He comes to me and pulls me in his arms, regardless of my attempts to fight him off. He holds my head as I cradle my face into his chest and sob my heart out. “I can’t John, please don’t make me do that. I can’t have another baby and act as if everything is ok and I can move on with my life.”
He sways our bodies softly as he kisses my head repeatedly. “I know I am sorry. We won’t have one…its fine. We are fine how we are now.”
“I just miss him so much John. Sometimes I don’t know how I am going to get though the day and other times I think I will be just fine. But I lie to myself because I don’t want to be okay and I don’t want to be without him.” My cries become uncontrollable as I choke on my tears and fall into his arms. He holds me tightly and lifts me in his arms, carrying me to the couch and lying me down along the soft fabric. Wiping my eyes, he moves the hair from my face before softly pecking my forehead.
“Close your eyes…its okay. Just relax sweetheart, its going to be okay.” He whispers these words in my hair as he crawls next to me and holds me tightly until my cries fade and I slowly calm myself.
“John?” He mumbles in my hair when I call his name and I cuddle closer to him. He wraps his arms around me tighter as I push my face into his neck. “Do you miss him like I miss him?”
“Of course I miss him honey…I miss him probably just as much as you do but I have a different way of showing it. You should know that, as a psychiatrist, people deal with pain in different ways.”
“I know but you seem to be handling this perfectly well and I can’t help but wonder why you are taking it so lightly compared to me.” He shifts and looks into my eyes, rubbing his hand down my face.
“I’m dying inside and there is not a day that passes that I don’t want that little boy in my arms and parading him around, proudly stating he is my boy. But it wasn’t meant to be, God had other plans. I think about all the time Marlena. Every time I walk into the living room, I wonder what it would have been like to have that little boy of mine crawling to me, or calling me daddy. Even the thought of waking up for that middle of the night feedings gets me excited…but I can’t dwell on moments that aren’t here. Sure I can think about them, I can wish they happened but I can’t live my life in a dark hole because we don’t have that now. I know I sound insensitive and I am trying not to but Marlena…we have so much to live for. Jonathon would not want us to be this way.”
“We will never know…will we?” I say as the tears begin to fall from my eyes once more. His mouth kisses my head once again and he takes my face, searching for my lips. Giving him my mouth, I allow our tender kisses to take place as we both hold onto eachother possessively. Running his hands down my back puts me at ease and I melt into his embrace as we kiss a little bit longer.
“I don’t want to lose you John….” I whisper to him as I fall against his chest and close my eyes. Taking in a deep breath, he rubs his hand down my back and kisses the top of my head.
“You don’t have to worry about that…you wont.”
The air is brisk as I exit my car and activate the car alarm. Tightening my jacket closer to my body, I attempt to block the wind chill. The wind is extremely cool as it blows against my face, leaving the skin on my cheeks and nose a light shade of red. My hair continues to blow in various directions with the wind, the slight curls quickly being flattened due to the brutal weather this morning.
Holding a bouquet of flowers, I hold them tightly to my chest as I make my way through the open land, looking around for my intended destination. Spotting the location I am here for, I make my way slowly as my tears begin to well up with warm tears.
Coming to a stop, I look over his headstone as I slowly come to rest on my knees. Setting down the flowers, I place them in the marble vase that is attached to his headstone. Quickly giving a sign of the cross, I close my eyes and allow my tears to fall down my face, ignoring the freezing chill it causes from the wind.
I feel so close to him when I’m here….I feel as if he is right next to me and that he can hear me. It also kills me to be here, knowing he is lying 6 feet below the ground, all alone and cold. As a mother or parent, it kills us to know your child is in this state. This is something no one wishes for and when you have witnessed that it happens to someone you know, you beg the lord above that it never ever happen to you. But if it in fact does occur, life takes a massive dive into a living hell.
Part of me is down there with my son and it always will be for as long as I live. Many would say how painful could it possibly be especially since he passed as soon as he was born….there was no time spent with him. It’s easy to speak so ignorantly when your not in this predicament. I agree the pain may not be as crucial as if I had years with him, but its still there and it hurts deeply. I may not have raised him or spent quality time holding him in my arms, getting to know every detail about him, but that doesn’t lessen the blow.
Nine months he lied in my womb, listened to my voice and fell asleep to the sound of my heartbeat. He rolled and kicked within my body, pushing on my skin to make me aware of his presence….as if I could ever forget. That alone is more than enough time to bond with my child, and without a doubt enough time to increase the already excruciating pain I feel within my heart for the loss of my son.
Wiping at my tears, I sob uncontrollably as I repeat the question of why he had to leave me, over and over. Lying along the cold grass, I call out his name and wonder if he can hear me. How I wish he was here in my arms so that I could shower him with kisses and hugs, smother him with as much love as I possibly could give. I imagine what it would have been like for him to be here, what he would have looked like. Would he resemble his father or me? Would he have both of our features? Would he be a shy and clingy or attentive and outgoing? This is something that we will never know and my heart continues to shatter in a million pieces at the lost possibilities.
I never wanted things to be like this…but then again who really does want that. Is it wrong of me to think time and time again how I don’t want to be in this world without my son? I know it is selfish…I do have other children but as I have said repeatedly, they are grown and do not really need their mom. I sound like a broken record because I know I have said this very line, these very words a million times before. I’m the coward who doesn’t act out on the threats I pull…the joke is on me. Calling his name, I run my fingers along the grass as I speak to him.
“You know baby, Daddy wants to have another baby. He wants to give you a sibling. How do you feel about that?” I know logically I will not have an answer but I still listen for it. In my heart, the answer is there and I will hear him. “Mommy really doesn’t want to…she is too old anyway. You will be mommy’s only baby and that’s a promise.”
Wiping at my face, I still keep my head down in the grass as I continue to talk to him.
“I think about you everyday when I wake up and every night before I close my eyes. I know you don’t belong down there by yourself and all alone. You belong up here with the people who love and adore you. You belong in mommy and Daddy’s arms…in your warm crib…in our bed…you belong with us. It’s not fair Jonathon. It’s not fair that other mother’s who neglect and abuse their babies get to keep them while the ones who will sacrifice our lives for our babies…we lose them forever. It isn’t fair and I need you here…I need you back with me.
The temperature drops and the wind picks up even more as I continue to lie there, talking to my son about what could have been. I also share our everyday life stories with him because after all, he is a part of our lives and deserves to know every detail. After I feel that I have shared everything I could have possibly thought of…I slowly lift myself up and look over his stone. Wiping any dirt from it, I trace the letters to his name engraved into the marble. Placing a soft kiss on the stone, I skim my fingers across his name and whisper the soft confessions for only him to hear.
“I love you Jonathon….Mommy loves you very much…always and forever.” Leaning in once more, I place my lips along the cold marble as tears roll down my face once more. Rising up from the ground, I wipe off any grass or dirt that may have stuck to my clothes as I pull my jacket tighter to my body. “Mommy will be back soon…in the meantime…sleep tight my love and I shall be back to wake you with more stories.” Walking away, I reach into my pocket for my car keys and deactivate the alarm. Pulling open the car door, I look over at his tombstone once more before whispering I love you and crawling into the car. Taking a deep breath, I turn the key in the ignition and get lost in the chime ringing throughout the cabin of the vehicle. After minutes of dazing, I turn and look towards him once more before putting the car in drive and slowly pulling away from him.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Four months and fifteen days later, the pain from losing him is still very much there. Almost a year after his death, I decided that maybe it was best to pack up his room. It was a hard decision for me but I felt that seeing his nursery might have been causing more damage then actually doing good for us…well more for me. It was the hardest thing to do, to pack up his toys and blankets. That day was in complete slow motion, every minute that went buy was incredibly heart shattering. I thank God John was strong enough for both of us. The way he comforted me and held me close as I cried into his shoulder is unforgettably the sweetest thing he has ever done for me. Locking away all of Jonathon’s belongs in storage put the final nail in the coffin for me. It was like the final goodbye and that alone was enough to send me over the edge. Luckily I had the love and support of my family and friends to get me through.
Glancing around the bare room, I put away a few boxes in the closet when I hear the doorbell ring. Dusting my hands off on my jeans, I quickly close the closet and make my way downstairs. Swinging open the door, my knees give out as I see him on the side of my door. Hurriedly, I go to close the door but he reaches out and stops it with his arm while smiling at me.
“Well hello to you too Marlena. That really is no way to greet a guest…now is it?” His smile makes my skin crawl. Clearing my throat, I gather myself and look at him straightly while still holding the door handle.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were gone…for good?”
“Now why would you have gotten an idea like that? Of course I would never leave you…I may have gone for awhile but I definitely would have considered leaving forever. That is just silly.”
“You know John is upstairs, I don’t think he will appreciate seeing you here on his doorstep. So do us all a favor and just leave…you’re not welcome here and your certainly not wanted.”
“His doorstep? If memory serves me correctly I thought this place was originally bought for you? This was your house, not necessarily his?”
I feel the anger rise within my body as my blood boils. “We are married…what’s mine is his.” He shakes his head and smiles, removing his hand from the door and folding his hands in front of him.
“How I remember it is… you can’t possibly be married to John when you are in fact still married to someone else. Isn’t that right?”
Closing the door on him, I turn and walk away from the door as I make my way back to the staircase. The doorbell goes off again and I sigh as I turn around to look at the door. Preparing to ignore it, I am about to climb the stairs when my husband comes joyfully hoping down the staircase. Kissing my lips quickly, he asks who was just here and ignores my pleas while continuing to make his way to the front door.
“John…please nooo. Just ignore it…it’s no one. John No!” He looks back at me and smiles, asking me what’s the matter. Opening the door, his face drops as he comes face to face with his enemy.
“Oh why hello John! How are you?”
Walking up behind John, I lightly fold my arms across my chest as I look at our unwanted guest. “That is what is the matter. I told you to ignore it.” John turns and looks at me then back to our guest.
“What are you doing here?”
“Well as I told Marlena before I’m not leaving. See I may have gone away for awhile but you both know better then anyone that just because I leave doesn’t mean its forever.”
Rolling my eyes, I become fed up with this charade that we are all playing and come up from behind John. “I’ve had enough of this game…get off our door step and leave right now.”
“Oh how rude of me…I actually came for a reason. Please let me be the last to offer my condolences about the loss of your son. That must have been extremely painful.”
“Goodbye!” Grabbing the door, I shut it when he reaches out and stops it once more. John jumps ahead of me as he warns him to remove his hand off the door.
“You did have a baby boy…didn’t you Marlena? Come now…you didn’t think for a second that I wouldn’t have heard about this?”
“John close the door!”
John puts his hand back and backs me away a bit before blocking the entire doorway with his body. “I’m going to give you to the count of three to get off my doorstep. If you do not move I will gladly move you. If I find out that you come back to this location again, I will personally track you down and make sure you never see the light of day again.”
His face scrunches into a laugh as he looks John straight in the face. “Is that a threat?”
“Take it however you like…you just make sure you don’t find yourself around here, my wife, or my family ever again or you will be sorry.”
Slamming the door, John looks to me as he grabs me roughly in his arms and hugs me tightly. Kissing my head, he runs his hands down my body and then back up my arms. Resting his hands on my face, he makes me look into his eyes as he pecks my lips.
“Are you alright?” Nodding my head, I tell him I am fine as he releases my face and looks back at the door. “I’m going to have security beefed up in the penthouse and I do not want you without a bodyguard from now on.”
“John no! I am not going to go along with this…it’s unnecessary. I refuse to have a bodyguard. The security in the building is fine but I definitely will not have a bodyguard.”
He cuts me off as he shouts that I will have a bodyguard and that is the end of the story.
“No!”
“Damnit Marlena…Do not fight me on this. Yes you will and that is it! I do not want that man around here or around you.”
“John!” I try to get him to hear me but his behavior is becoming erratic. The doorbell goes off once more and john flies to the door, swinging it open and grabbing our guest who refuses to leave, by his collar. “John, stop it…leave him alone and call security.”
“You have 2 seconds to get off my doorstep or you are going to be extremely sorry you ever stepped foot in this building.” Grabbing at John’s arm, he doesn’t flinch but increases the hold he has on our rival.
“Go ahead and hit me John…I’m ready.” Pulling on John’s arm, I try and stop him. In one quick flash, John’s hand goes back and into his face as he ends up on the floor. Looking up at John, he wipes the blood from his mouth as he slowly gets up. “You’re going to be sorry you ever did that.” Holding on John, I pull him back inside as I prepare to close the door. “Marlena…if I were you…I would be worried about your husband.”
Looking down at him, I push John back with my arm as I reach to close the door.
“Go to hell Alex!”
The image of him at my doorstep still remains burned in my brain. So many unanswered questions run through my mind, situations that I never would’ve thought twice about have now come back to haunt me. Is it fair? No but then again life really isn’t about being fair….life isn’t about following a strict plan and knowing the exact outcome at the end of the day. If that were the case, I would have had everything I ever wanted and we all know how that turned out.
I still can’t believe he is here, that he came back to torture me and my family. I know John is worried, he won’t show it or even speak a word of it to me but I can tell by his body language and the way he reacts to certain things. For one, even though we fought every single night of the week about it, I still ended up being escorted all around town by a bodyguard. You have no idea how it drives me insane to be followed and watched every second of my day, and I have voiced my concern to my husband about this. Has he heard me? I’m sure he has but he also tunes me out which annoys the hell out of me. He makes this all into a joke but in the end, I’m the one who isn’t laughing. Annoyed and angry is a pretty good way to describe me as of late. I refuse to make conversation, partake in a joke, or share my day and for what…..I am almost positive my bodyguard is reporting back to my husband anyway. God forbid I was having an affair.
John tries his best to comfort me on some level which I refuse each and every time. Looking around my home that I barely recognize, I take in all the new technology that has been installed. I feel as if I am living on some secret government base that the world is not allowed to know of or see. Cameras and motion detectors sit in ever corner of the room, documenting every move you make. I refuse to make love to my husband anymore, partial reason because I am upset that he has taken this situation completely out of hand. The other reason is out of fear that we are being videoed and the last thing I need is someone enjoying themselves as I please my husband or vice versa. I also mentioned this to him, which he attempted to reassure me that it is him who receives the footage. Bickering gets us nowhere and it is during those times that I choose to bite my tongue and remain quiet to avoid snapping that could possibly result in hurting his feelings. Although he must also think I’m naïve because apparently someone has to be watching over this penthouse while we are away or sleeping…and reporting everything that is going on. Either way, I deny him of seeking pleasure when it comes to me and I will continue to do so until he removes each and every camera out of my house.
From what I have been told…tonight marks the wedding anniversary of Bo and Hope. Lucky me, I have the privilege of getting all dolled up for a night that I could really care less about. I know that is the most selfish thing to say but when your living in the predicament I am, who really wants to go out and have a good time? Being escorted by bodyguards and watched in the corner of a room will be the highlight of my night
Mindlessly flipping through outfits in our closet, I come across a dress that doesn’t appear to be mine or at least one that I could ever remember buying. Examining it, I pull it off the rack and hold it up as I look closely at the material. Walking over to the mirror, I place it along my body as I attempt to get an idea of how it may look on me. Deciding against it, I place it back in its place and close my doors. Sighing, I walk over to the balcony doors and stare out at the city, taking in its beauty. Its time like these that I really am able to observe, enjoy, and appreciate the beauty of it all. It allows me to stop time if only for a moment and feel at peace. I know it won’t last but it’s the little things that matter most. Hearing the alarm system beep, I don’t bother turning around knowing it’s my husband who has arrived home. Going back to my closet I grab my robe and head for the shower.
Standing below the sprinkling water, I continue to rub the soap along my skin as I hear the bathroom door open. Without looking up I ask my husband if he put the guard dogs away while lathering the rest of my body with the loofa. He laughs and begins to undress, explaining how his day went and our busy evening tonight. Not really paying attention to anything that he is saying, I finish rinsing off my body when he opens the shower door and crawls behind me. Rubbing his hands down my arms, I wiggle from his touch and hurriedly rinse the soap from my skin. Placing a soft kiss on the back of my neck, his hands travel from my back to my stomach as he pulls me closer to his body.
“It’s all yours…” I smile as I slip from his grasp and open the shower door, escaping a situation that could very well lead to unwanted passion.
His face drops as he looks at me wrap a towel around my body. “Where are you going? I thought we could fit in a shower together before the party?” Shaking my head, I smile and make my way over to the sink.
“Nope there is not enough time. Are the cameras still powered on?” My question throws him off as he squints at me.
“Yeah they should be…why do you ask?”
Shrugging I look myself in the mirror as I comb the tangles from my hair. “Well as long as they are still on and in my house…there will be no alone time with me.” Looking at him, I continue to comb my hair as he turns away and rinses his head underneath the water.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two hours later we are heading out the penthouse door along with our bodyguard, Tom Collins. He truly is a very nice man and I have nothing against him personally, I just don’t appreciate being looked after or followed. After exiting the elevator, we walk hand in hand in the parking garage below as John opens the passenger door for me. Slipping inside, I adjust myself along the soft leather seat as I pull the seat belt over me. Watching John as he walks to the driver side, I turn on the seat warmer and adjust the heat on my side. Looking out my window, I notice our guard doesn’t move and I look over at John who has put the car in Drive.
“Isn’t he coming?” Shaking his head, he pats my thigh as he says it’s just us tonight and wants for me to have a good time. Smiling softly, I reach for his hand and squeeze softly while looking out my window as we pull away from the garage.
“You look incredibly beautiful tonight…in case I forget to tell you that later.” Winking at me, it brings a happy smile to my face as I reach up and cup his chin.
“That still won’t get you time alone with me when we get home but I’m sure that’s not what you were looking for when you made that compliment….now were you? Oh and Thank you.” Laughing gently I rest my head along the headrest as we drive quietly through the busy streets of Salem. The reception isn’t far from our home, in fact we are probably the closest guests but the drive still seems terribly long. Once we pull up to valet, I exit the car and wait for John to join me by my side before entering the building. Greeting everyone with hugs and kisses takes up a good half an hour of our time which makes the night go by a bit quicker.
Shortly after, dinner is served as we all take our seats and listen to the toasts, the roasts, and the loving speeches prepared for the couple we are gathering for tonight. Staring at them as they share a kiss, I envy them for the happiness they are feeling. How I wish I could feel the same way they are, with their loving family together and all their children all around them. Instead I have a stalker, an obsessive and overprotective husband, Twins that I barely see, teenage kids who live their own life and a baby boy who I will never see again. Life is just wonderful and I could not ask for more. Lifting a glass of champagne, we toast to Bo and Hope and I clink my glass along John’s before taking a nice long sip of the alcohol.
Once the plates have been taken away, dessert has been passed out, long after coffee has been served and the friendly mingling with other guests has taken place…music begins to play throughout the large room we are seated in. Excusing myself, I make my way to the ladies room which winds all the way to the back of the hall. Finding myself in a lonely hallway, I continue making my way wondering why there doesn’t seem to be much traffic in this direction. Feeling as if someone is following me, I turn around only to find not a soul. Quickly opening the bathroom door, I look in the mirror and turn on the facet. Splashing cool water along my neck and cheeks, I take deep breaths and attempt to regain myself from the panic that overwhelmed me moments ago. Damn him for making me feel this way, for coming back into our lives and tormenting every second of the day.
Finding myself back at our table, I reach for John’s hand and guide him to the dance floor. Entrapping him with my arms, I rest my face along the crook of his neck and hold him tightly as we move to the beat of the slow music. He asks me if anything is wrong and I shake my head, reassuring him that I just want to be with him and only him. The truth is I feel safe when I’m in his arms and when he holds me, I feel as if no danger could ever take place in his embrace. Leaning to his mouth, I kiss him gently and back away, looking into his eyes. Whispering that I love him, I reach for his mouth again as I continuously kiss him throughout the remainder of the song.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I promised myself that nothing like this would take place but I lied to him and to myself. After the panic I felt back at the reception, I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone. I simply wanted to be wrapped up in his arms for the remainder of the night.
I look down at him as I close my eyes and breathe out a soft moan. My body moves in such a seductive manner that I impress myself at times. Moving my hips slowly along his, I feel the pleasure increase within my lower region as my body shivers in anticipation. Running my fingers through his chest hair, I adjust myself so that I have a comfortable position along his body. After positioning myself back on him, his hands guide my hips up and down his body. He moans out my name that causes me to increase the tempo and cry out. The thought of being recorded is far from my mind and at this moment, being with my husband in this way is the only that matters. His hands travel along my body, skimming up my stomach and resting along my breasts. Squeezing gently, he grunts while lifting his hips to meet mine. The pressure feels incredible and never in my life have I felt such pleasure. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to moan, I want to explode into a million pieces. All these emotions run through me, fueling the already blazing fire that’s burning inside the pit of my stomach.
“Oh Baby…The things you do to me.” I look down into his hooded eyes as I continue to move on top on him, making sure that I grind myself along him so that he hits every spot. Tugging on the sheet, he covers my hips and rocks me roughly along him as we both cry out. Dipping my head back, I breathe his name as my body begins to move on it own, rocking harder and harder. Steadying myself, I place my hands back along his abdomen and slowly lift myself up only to spiral my hips back down on him. He pants my name and begs me to go harder but I ignore his pleas. Continuing my task, his hands reach up and cup my breasts, squeezing them tightly before running his fingers along my swollen nipples.
I feel that indescribable burn as it travels from my stomach to my thighs. Rocking harder, I begin to bounce on him as we both whimper each other’s names into the darkness of the night. His fingers dig into the skin of my thighs as he squeezes tightly, guiding me along his member as quick as he can.
“John Baby…I’m” The words barely escape my lips when I feel as if something is wrong or off key. My ears ring when I hear a shout that is someone other than my husbands. Looking up I see our bodyguard burst through our doorway as he shouts that security has been breeched. Screaming, I reach for the sheets as John sits up hurriedly and covers me with the sheet while throwing me down on the mattress.
“What the fuck are you doing Collins!” He screams as he grabs his jogging pants from the floor and slips them on quickly while our bodyguard turns in embarrassment however still attempting to explain the situation.
“Sir, I apologize but the security has been breeched…someone is in this house and I have to get you both out now.”
“How long has this intruder been in the house?” Questions fly off of John’s tongue as he rapidly searches for his shirt and shoes. Patting Collins back, he instructs him to run downstairs and check the area and he will cover the top floor. Once Collins is out the room, I dip my face into my hands and shake my head from side to side.
“This cannot be happening. You have got to be kidding me!” John looks at me once I have said this and opens my dresser. Pulling out a pair of my jeans and a basic shirt, he tosses them on the bed and tells me to change.
“We have to get out of here…I need to get you out of here now. Hurry Marlena…please.” Watching him, I rapidly place the clothes on my body as he runs throughout the room, inspecting every door and corner. Once I am fully dressed, he grabs my hand and drags me from the room and leaves me standing in the hallway. “Don’t move…stay right here.” Pulling a gun from the waistband of his pants, he runs through the rooms and searches while I silently say a prayer hoping nothing goes wrong.
After a few minutes, he comes back to me and reaches for my hand. Running down the hallway, we are met by Collins who escorts us down the staircase and to the elevator lobby. As we are waiting, a loud alarm goes off in the house as we all turn and look back. Collins runs in as John turns and begs me to stay put, promising that he will return. Watching him disappear into the house, I shout out for them to be careful as I look on cautiously.
“Hello Marlena!” I hear his voice and before I could even turn around, a cloth is placed over my mouth and I am being drug to the staircase. Pushing on his arms, I try to scream and kick but only to go unnoticed. Within seconds I feel myself lose consciousness as the room around me goes all black.
Have you ever been in a situation and wondered what would happen if you weren’t present when the inevitable occurred? Would your life be the same if the situation never presented itself and you were never around to witness it? These questions, I’m sure, are one of the many unanswered questions we ask ourselves everyday knowing that there really is no one who can actually answer that question for you. Unless for some reason you tend to bump into God on the street, then sure you can ask away. But in reality, we don’t have all the answers and we always live with the ‘What if’ hanging above our heads. Today is one of those days, the day where I ask myself, what if I wasn’t standing alone in the hallway. Would I have been abducted some other time? It’s a pointless question to ask yourself, knowing you would have done the complete opposite. Suddenly the ‘what ifs’ come into play and I suddenly think of all the actions I could have taken to defend myself and prevent this situation from happening. Now it’s too little too late.
I feel as if my body has been tortured, throbbing with an unspeakable pain that I couldn’t even begin to describe. My head continues to pound excruciatingly as the darkness that surrounds me begins to lighten. Blaring sounds ring through my ears as I fight to open my eyes and search my surroundings. The pressure on my eyelids is unbearable and almost is too much of a battle to awake from this dreaded coma I have been put under by a man I once used to love. Preparing to surrender to the sleep that overpowers my senses, I give into the idea of struggling to regain my consciousness once more. Seeing a streak of light, my hopes are suddenly becoming brighter by the second. The images before me are blurry and unbelievably overpowering with brightness. Squinting tightly, I try again and reopen my eyes, hoping to see a clearer version this time and not receive temporary blinding.
A not so clear face comes into the picture and I wince from the pain that the light is causing my head. Closing my eyes, I let out a slight moan and breathe deeply. My name is being called out and I am almost too scared to open my eyes and see the face that I have been dreading. Feeling his hand along my face, I cringe at the very thought if him touching any part of my body. Hearing my name again, I prepare myself to come face to face with the man I thought I would never see again.
Blinking away the haze that covers my visual, I begin to focus on his face and wonder why I suddenly feel drawn to him. Could I be hallucinating? Has he drugged me yet again? That can’t be, if that were true then I would be having the negative thoughts I am having about him now. Suddenly everything becomes extremely confusing and my world begins to feel a little unsure then how it was a few minutes ago. Hearing his voice again, I soften to his words. They appear to have a calming effect on me which should be causing anything but. Adjusting my focus, he looks down at me and I stare back at the eyes I thought I wouldn’t see.
“Welcome back honey.” His tone is soft and loving, excitement painted all over his features.
“Where am I?” My words come out cracked and broken, the pain in my throat prevents me from speaking out clearly. He looks at me and runs his hand down my face before resting it along my hand. Intertwining our fingers, he lifts my hand in his and places a gentle kiss along my skin.
“You’re safe now…and that is all that matters. That man will never come around again and hurt you. I will make sure of that. He will never take you away from me again.” His words are powerful, anger hiding behind each syllable that is spoken. He stresses his last words as he places another kiss along my hand.
Struggling to speak, I clear my throat as best as I can without causing too much pain and swallow. “Please tell me where I am?” I don’t have the energy to observe my surroundings or else I would take matters into my own hands and find the answers I need.
“What does that matter? Do not work yourself up…I need you to just rest, your going to need your strength.”
“Please…tell me?” The words come out in a gentle whisper…any hopes of speaking in normal tone are lost to me. Sighing heavily, he drops his face and looks behind him before looking back at me.
“You are in the hospital. Don’t say anything…just rest for me.” Blinking away the fogginess, I slight raise my head as I look slowly to my left and then right. It takes much more energy then it should and I feel overwhelmed with ache and drowsiness the minute I lay my head back down.
“What..Ha…Happened?” Coughing slightly, I squeeze his hand tighter and encourage him to continue explaining the events that took place.
He smiles and rubs his hand through my hair while adjusting himself in the chair so that he is a bit more comfortable. Kissing my hand once more, he grips it tightly while looking into my eyes.
“Are you sure you really want to have this conversation now?” Opening my eyes slowly, he stares at me with the look of defeat. Knowing me too well, he knows my answer and swallows heavily before clearing his throat. “Okay then…We caught him just in time. After Collins and I deactivated the alarm in the penthouse, I ran back to the lobby only to find you missing. I can’t even begin to tell you how panicked I was at the very thought of you missing.” He takes a deep breath before continuing. “At first I called your name, shouted as loudly as I could as I began to pace the lobby, investigating areas that I knew were impossible for you or any other human being for that matter…to be at.”
Looking at him, I squeeze his hand, signaling for him to continue with the story. Clearing his throat, he looks down at the floor, sighing and whispers okay.
“Truth is I was losing my mind. The mere thought of losing you scared me to death and with all my training and experience…I was clueless on what to do. Its sad isn’t it? Collins played a big part in finding you, I was a basket case unable to control the fear running through my veins. I really thought I lost you this time…and I was scared with the possibility that it could be for good.”
Taking a breath, he smiles and plays with the strands of hair that lay against the side of my face. Once he stops fidgeting with the tips of my hair, he leans down and kisses my forehead, mumbling that he loves me. Closing my eyes, I softly nod and whisper his very words in return.
“Collins found you on the 7th floor, lying in the hallway. We had split up, me frantically running through the staircase while Collins searched each and every floor, looking for signs of North and you. My heart stopped when he paged me on the cell, claiming he found you. My feet couldn’t carry me fast enough as I sped thru floors, staircases, and hallways just to get to you. When I came across your body, Collins immediately ran to search for North as I pulled you in my arms and tried to wake you. Do you remember?”
Shaking my head, I look at him and then at the machines that continue to beat profusely, damaging the intensity of this conversation.
“You don’t? I’m not surprised honey, you were so drugged out. I remember the way your eyes fluttered gently and how you whispered my name, only to lose consciousness again.”
Kissing my head, he whispers that North will never come back and hurt me again. I want to cry but I can’t, my tears are dried up and hidden deep down inside. I look into his eyes as I search for an answer on North’s whereabouts. John’s look doesn’t give me much reassurance that they found him. Instead I bite at my lower lip and reach for his hand.
“So what happens now? Now that he is gone?” That sentence alone was a mission to ask, and my throat is feeling the consequences. From this point on, I decide to simply communicate with a nod or head shake.
His stops what he is doing with his hands and leans on the bed, close to my face. “He has been found honey…he is dead.” My eyes must grow wide because John insists that I calm down and relax.
“H…h…How?” I stutter as I close my eyes and swallow roughly.
“After Collins returned and said he couldn’t find him…well I wasn’t satisfied with that answer and went in search of him. It took some time but I found him, on the 10th floor.”
Blinking my eyes, John answers my unspoken thought. “Yes the mechanical floor. I told him to give up and come clean…In the end he tired to run and I shot him. He’s dead.”
Attempting to talk but knowing I can’t, I shake my head and turn my face away. Whispering, I tell John that he isn’t dead.
Walking around the bed, he gently grabs at my face as his blue eyes penetrate into mine. “He IS Dead…and you don’t have to worry every again.” Kissing my lips, he paws at my face and smiles cautiously.
Reaching for him, I hold onto him and look up at the ceiling, thinking of all the possibilities.
As John holds on to me tightly, I close my eyes and breathe in heavily. ‘He isn’t dead…and we both know that.’
Staring at the flames, I get lost in the orangey glow of the fire as I hold the blanket tightly to me. The heat from the fireplace tends to sooth away any tension that I build from time to time. The feeling is incredible and I can’t even begin to explain how at ease the sounds of the crackling and the heat that radiates throughout the room, makes me feel.
As a psychiatrist, professionally I know there is not much that can be done to help alleviate tension without some type of medication being given. Sure, I can prescribe a day at the spa or recommend a nice long hour in a steamed hot tub but medically, that isn’t the advice people are seeking or needing. Let’s face it, most of our society is addicted to drugs. The power that a single pill holds, a small and simple mixture of drugs that can reduce all the pain, aggression, anxiety, fear and heartache with one swallow.
Oddly enough, I think the best solution is the exact opposite of any pill that I can offer and has better effects then anything that is medically prescribed for our problems. I call it Nature’s way of giving. I often tell my patient s what they thought people did back then when they suffered from situations. There was no highly advanced medicine so what do they think they did to relieve some tension. Most patients stare at me blankly, giving a simple shrug and focusing their sites on anything in my office other then me.
Once I capture their attentions, I explain as best as I can that its always best to try and solve a problem yourself before any doctor can offer medication to balance yourself. It is my recommendation that patients try and solve their issues naturally. When I say naturally I mean as in the natural ways of living…Walking, running, swimming, anything that will keep your mind entertained on another idea and not on the current problem that is clouding your thoughts. I do understand that these are not acceptable solutions at times for certain extreme situations, but at moments of light stress, they are best remedy. Its ironic that as a doctor, I prefer the most inexpensive method for my patients. Insurances love me…my chief of staff…not so much.
Rewrapping the blanket around my body, I look around the foreign room as I take in the surroundings. John and I have been living at this temporary residence for the time being, ever since the Alex North circumstances took place a few weeks ago. To be completely honest, I am not comfortable going to back to my own home. Its sad but true and just the thought of having to look behind my back every other minute, is enough to drive the sanest of them all, psychotic.
I know deep down inside that Alex is alive. Alive and well. I know John would never lie to me in order to put my mind at rest, but I just can’t come to terms that Alex is dead…just like that. The man has faked death before…even when it was so believable before. He disappeared from the face of this earth, never to be heard of again. That is until he showed up in my hospital room the day I was diagnosed with Amnesia. John out of all people, should be the last to believe he is dead.
We have argued about this same situation for the past few weeks, and each and every time he tells me that he is dead. I ask how can he be sure and he responds with the same answer as always….’I watched him die in front of me’. I’m not impressed…magicians can make the audience believe saws and swords chop right through their flesh and into their bodies. Weapons that should have killed them have instead proven the opposite effect. Its all an illusion and I believe Alex is no different than any one of those magicians.
He can play dead all he wants…and John can convince himself that its true…but I know the truth. And I wait for the day until he comes back for his revenge and does more damage then what he has already caused.
Every sound that echoes throughout the room makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand. My thoughts immediately jump to Alex and I wonder if he has found me again. This new temporary townhome has a similar security system from the penthouse…if not better. Once again, cameras adorn every corner of the room and we now have motion detectors and lasers that dance around in lazy lines along the floors and walls that activate once we retire for the night. The system is meant to track any movement but it failed last time. Supposedly this system is a bit more sophisticated then the original one that was setup at the penthouse. When I asked John why all the security if Alex was indeed dead, he quickly noted its just a precaution for anyone else who may have been working under Alex. I think deep down inside, John too knows that Alex isn’t dead, but he sure as hell is trying to convince himself otherwise.
Looking back to the front double doors, I see it open as the alarm system beeps and John appears. Smiling, I pull the covers closer and curl up against the couch as he places his briefcase down and turns to reset the security panel. Turning back to face me, he lazily crawls along the couch and drags himself to me, pecking my lips in the sweetest of kisses.
“Hello there” His smile has a way of making me blush like a silly school girl who has never been shown affection.
“Hi” We kiss gently once more before he lies his head along my lap and stares at the fire. Silence takes over for a few minutes as we both get lost in the glow of the fireplace. Absent mindedly, I begin to loosen his tie and unbutton the top few buttons of his shirt. Running my fingers along his collar bone, he sighs heavily and smiles as I look down and watch his face.
“So how was your day? Enjoying the fire I see.” Smiling I nod and continue unbuttoning his shirt with my fingers.
“The fire seems to keep my nerves at ease…and it warms this place up a bit. You know for such a nice townhome…it doesn’t have the best insulation or heating system. It’s always cold in here.”
He laughs at my comment and pries his face from the fireplace to look up at me. “Is this all you do all day…find a new complaint for when I get home?”
“Well considering the fact there is nothing else for me to do. I can’t go to work, I can’t go shopping, and I can’t go see anyone without a bodyguard at my side. It’s like I’m a prisoner in my own home.”
He closes his eyes and places a hand over his forehead as he takes an audible breath. “We aren’t going to do this again, are we?”
Moving his head from my lap, I readjust myself on the couch before looking back at him. “Yes we are. John I’m so unhappy here. You claim we are fine and safe, but from the looks of it, we are far from it. I want to live my life again and its not fair that you get to do that and I can’t. You can go to work or pick up a few things at the market and I can’t. I hate being locked up, I don’t want to live this way.”
He looks agitated and tired. His jaw is tightened and his nostrils are somewhat flared as he takes heavy breaths. He looks towards me for a few seconds only to turn back towards the fireplace.
“John, don’t ignore me. You know I hate when you do that.”
“Marlena, stop it.” He gets up from the couch and walks down the hallway to the kitchen. Instead of chasing him, I remain seated and turn my focus on the fire blazing before me. I hear him return as he nibbles on a few cookies in his hand and throws himself heavily along the couch beside me. “You okay now?”
Shaking my head slowly from side to side, I reach for the control on the coffee table beside me. “Unbelievable.”
“What Marlena…what?” Turning the TV on I throw the control beside me, and turn towards him.
“You know what….don’t act like you have no clue what I am talking about. You’re so blindingly ignorant when it comes to comprehending my feelings. You think you can just brush this issue aside as if it’s no big deal and I will simply get over it.”
Tossing the cookies on the table in front of him, he sits forward and rests his elbows along his thighs. Clapping his hands together in defeat, he looks at me and asks me what I want to do.
“I want to go back to work…I want to go out by myself.”
“Absolutely not. Not until I know there is no possible threat out there.”
“Oh John for the Love of God! Stop it already! Just stop it.” Closing his eyes, he drops his head and stares at the floor as I lean forward on the couch and try to make him look at me.
“Its lonely here…I don’t want to be here anymore.”
“Then I will get you a dog.” His remark causes me to laugh as I unwrap the blanket from me and stand up.
“Is everything a fucking joke with you?” Preparing to walk away from him, I reach for my slippers when he reaches for my hand. Snatching my hand back, I glare at him. “Don’t.”
“Marlena come on…relax.”
“No I won’t relax. You don’t care how I feel and that isn’t fair John.”
“Fine you want me to stay with you…Fine…then I will.” Sighing I squat down in front of him as I look at him.
“No that isn’t what I want. What I want is out…I want freedom…I want to go back to my old life.”
“It isn’t going to happen.” He glares at me with his expressionless tight face.
Smiling sadly, I slowly raise myself up until I’m standing above him and looking down at him. “I don’t need your permission.” Walking away, he follows me as he is close on my heels.
“The hell you don’t…your not leaving this house without a bodyguard.”
“Yes I am and you won’t stop me.” Reaching my bedroom door, I hurriedly grab at the solid heavy wood and prepare to close it on him when he stops me.
“You don’t want a dog…you don’t want me here…then what do you want?”
“I told you…out! I want my normal life back.”
“Fine…I know what I have to do.” Pushing the door from my grip, he walks in and reaches behind him for the handle.
“What?”
“Give you something to keep you busy and take care of?”
Folding my arms, I look at him angrily. I can’t believe he is unable to grasp the idea of how I feel about all this.
“Which is?”
“A baby!” Kicking the door closed behind him, I laugh and unfold my arms as I throw them up in the air angrily.
“Oh we are back to that shit again! Are you not listening to me anymore? Have you gone completely clueless or are you that selfish?”
“Neither…take off your clothes.” He says emotionless as he walks to me, peeling off his shirt.
“John, stop it.” I back away as he comes closer to me. “I don’t want a baby…I don’t want another one of your babies…I refuse to have another one. That part of our lives is over and I can’t understand why you won’t face that truth. You promised me to never bring it up again…yet here you are doing that! What the hell is going on with you?”
He stops midway and watches me with concerned eyes. I begin to wipe at the tears that have formed in my eyes and walk past him. Opening the door, I don’t bother looking back and make my way back to the living room. Sitting back down along the couch, I wrap t he blanket around me and cuddle myself along the soft pillows of the couch. Watching the TV screen above the fireplace, I sniff back my tears as I mindlessly watch a show I could care less about.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I awake suddenly when I feel his hand on my arm, slightly nudging me. Reaching for the control beside me, he clicks a button and shuts of the TV. Looking around, I notice that the fire has been contained and everything has been put away. The apartment, tightly secured. We look at one another uncomfortably, neither of us knowing what to say. Glancing at my watch, I notice that I must have dozed off for quite a bit because its shortly past midnight. He moves the afghan off me as he whispers if I am ready for bed.
Shaking my head, I move to sit up and gather the blanket in my hands. Slowly folding it up, I place it on the back of the couch and stand. He looks at me carefully as he too stands from the sofa but doesn’t budge an inch. I make an effort to move around the coffee table, since he has blocked my path. Stopping in front of me, he reaches out and grabs my wrists to hold me in place. I could move my hands away but instead I remain still, preparing myself for his sympathetic words. I know the drill by now…it tends to get old. It’s sad that I feel that way about my own husband but I would be lying if I said I look forward to these practiced apologies.
He begins to speak but stops and waits until I look up at him. Because I don’t believe that his apology is heartfelt, I don’t feel the need to look at him. Once we share glances, he begins to speak and moves to hold my hands. Allowing his fingers to intertwine with mine, I listen to him call my name and explain how very sorry he is. Listening to his words but not really allowing them to sink in, I roll my head to the side and look behind him. My focus is on the moonlight that glimmers along the window panes, which creates a sparkle every now and then.
And suddenly, his words are no longer spoken, the room is silenced, and we both stand still. His mouth moves upon mine while pulling my body closer to him. For some strange reason, I have permitted such an action to take place and continue to allow it as we stand lip locked in the middle of this living room. Pushing on his chest lightly, I remove my mouth from his suction like lips as I look into his confused eyes.
“I don’t want to do this with you? Can’t you understand that John?” My words are deathly quiet but I know he heard me…his face shows it. He drops his hands from my arms, his ego bruised and battered. I have crushed his attempt at fixing us once again, and I know for him, forbidding him of any contact, is like asking him to never breathe again. He walks from me and leaves me standing alone in the dark living room. I watch him as he disappears into the hallway, pondering if I should go after him and apologize. If I do…then I am playing the same exact game he is…the one that I hate so much to be involved in. Deciding against it, I walk over to our bedroom door and pause right outside the doorframe. Its times like these that the independent and bold Marlena fades into the vulnerable and frightened wife of John Black. There aren’t words to explain how I feel about that kind of transformation. I hate myself for turning into that type of woman that I lectured my daughters not to be.
I can pretend that I am as strong and courageous as any man, but at the end of the night…when its dark and I am all alone…I am scared. I’m frightened to death of what may happen when I close my eyes when my husband isn’t around. I am terrified that North will come back and succeed in his mission to abduct me once and for all. But what I’m even more horrified about…is the fact that if something should happen and John isn’t there to save me…I will lose my family… and him. Exhausted with this internal limbo I give myself, I decide to slip into bed with my husband. Sleeping alone was on my agenda but as reality sank in…I know the decision wasn’t a wise one. He brought me here to keep me safe from harm, its wrong of me to judge him for that. After all, it is simply for my benefit.
After changing into a silk nightgown, I slowly pull back the comforter and slide under the cool sheets. Adjusting my pillow, I hear him take deep harsh breaths as we lie next to one another…side by side. Neither of us touching, neither of us daring to speak…instead we simply listen to each other’s breathing. I know he is upset, but the coward in me doesn’t have the courage or pride to cave in and apologize for what I did or said. He too was wrong to say the things he did…but this all started because of my doing. After a few moments, I look over to my left and watch him sleep. His breathing is heavier yet slower, and he looks at ease. Staring at him sleep always makes me soften my anger towards him. The innocence creeps upon his features and it takes a cold hearted soul not to fall into the sweet trance he pulls one into. Sliding my finger along his jaw line causes him to stir and turn his face from me, readjusting himself into his pillow. I continue my path along his face as he relaxes this time and allows me to resume the task I have begun. Lightly scraping my nails along the skin of his arms, I watch i n amazement as the goose bumps appear along his flesh…one by one.
At this very moment, I am so filled with sorrow for the trouble I have caused him and for the damage my words may have done to him and his ego. Slowly closing the gap between us in bed, I slither along his body and lean my head towards his. Resting my lips against his in a soft kiss causes him to shift once again but doesn’t awaken him. Dragging my lips in feather kisses along his skin, I travel down his neck to his chest, where I concentrate on place open mouth kisses along the curls that cover his flesh. He moans lightly in his sleep but does not open his eyes.
Biting my lip with anticipation, I continue to move lower until I reach his navel, twirling my tongue around it before reaching up and looping my fingers into the waistband of his shorts. Tracing my tongue down a single path below his navel causes him to jolt awake as he looks around quickly before lifting his head and glancing down at me. Drowsily lifting himself up, he begins to ask what I am doing. Shushing him, I place a hand along his chest and push him back down, never removing my lips from his lower abdomen.
“I love you…” I whisper to him before moving my mouth back to my intended target. Pulling out his flaccid organ, I gently move my warm hand along it and softly squeeze, hoping to get a reaction. As expected, my hopes are not disappointed as he begins to swell within my hold. Lowering my lips, I kiss the tip of him and take a quick open mouth tug on the head of his member. He grunts lowly as I return to moving my hand up and down his length, spiraling my fingers along his harden skin.
Lowering my mouth along him, I begin to move my tongue along his ridges while closing my lips around his width. I move my mouth intensely along his swollen muscle. He grips his pillow and then the sheets before resting his hands on my head. Tangling his fingers through the strands of my hair, he guides my head as I move my mouth at the pace he seems to enjoy so much. Lifting his hips, he begins to buck as I ease back and only pump him half way into my mouth. He tightens his hold in my hair and he guides me quicker then before.
“Marlena…baby…I’m almost…God…don’t stop.” Knowing he is almost there, I move my mouth quicker along him, making sure to go deeper then before. Controlling my gag reflex, which I have learned to over time, I suck as hard as I possibly can until my jaw tightens with soreness.
His body twitches and shakes as he lifts his hips to meet my awaiting mouth. Pulling away, I release my hand from his throbbing muscle as he sits up and pulls at me. Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes and leans back to regain his strength. Once he feels that he has recovered, he reaches for my wrist and pulls me to him as our mouths cling together in a deep kiss.
“I love you baby…more than you know.” He mumbles into my mouth before our tongues collide against one another. Sucking at each other’s lips he tugs me onto his lap as we both reach out and grab each other in anyway that we can. I paw at his face as he grips onto the material of my hips. Resting my thighs along his hips, I hold onto his face for dear life as I kiss him with such intensity that it throws us off.
“Hold on baby..” He mumbles as he lifts me carefully but still continues to kiss me. Moving my panties to the side, he slides his fingers along my moist folds as I cry out into his mouth from the pleasure that has stricken me within seconds. Circling his fingertip around my soaked entrance, he teases me by slowly inserting the tip of his finger only to withdraw suddenly. Grunting in my mouth, he grabs a hold of himself and rubs the tip of him along my swollen nerve bundle. Closing my eyes, I silence my moan and tighten my mouth as he moves his harden shaft along my soft folds. Lifting the material of my gown above my hips, he wraps his arm around me and grips my right side of hip, guiding me along him. He makes sure that I feel every ridge of his manhood along my damp centre. After teasing me for what seems like hours, he holds himself in one hand and grips my hip with his other. Lowering me softly onto his awaiting shaft, I feel him slowly enter me as he expands my walls and increases the pressure of my already throbbing nerve bundle.
Closing our eyes simultaneously, we both breathe out and dip our heads back as we join our bodies as one. Unable to move from the pleasure that runs through our heated bodies, we remain still until the tingle in our pelvises urges us to move.
Too anxious to stop what we are doing, we begin to move along one another completely still dressed. The only barrier that prevented us from joining one another has been pushed aside and forgotten. My silk negligee is hoisted above my hips and tangled in John’s hands as he guides me along his member, lifting his hips now and again to meet my thrust. The strings that hold my nightgown up, have fallen off my shoulders and down my arms with every rock I do along his body. He is still sitting up, kissing my mouth with such passion as we both rock our hips together. My hands still remain on his face, unable to break free from holding him to me.
“I am so sorry honey…I love you so much. You know that, don’t you?” My words are breathless as I try and catch my breath. Moving along him tends to wipe me out and I lose my energy after a short while.
Lying down, he rests against the pillow and tells me he does. Placing my hands along his chest, I move back and forth along body as I feel him expanding even more inside of me, if it’s even possible. John reaches up and tries to pull down the strings of my negligee so that he can he can get the view he has been waiting for. I oblige as I dip my head back and continue my movements. I feel his hands knead my breast as he cups them gently, making sure to sit up and pull each one in his mouth.
Stopping my hips, I look down and watch as he feasts along my nipple, sucking it as hard as he can. Removing his mouth from me, he lifts me in his arms and dips me back along the mattress. Hurriedly, he lowers his shorts to his thighs and rips my panties from my legs. Opening my legs, he crawls between them and plunges back into the depths of my body as I wrap my legs around his hips. Pounding into my body, I feel myself loose control as I scream out his name, urging him to push harder into me.
As if on command, he reaches for my legs and unwraps them from him, placing them in the crook of his arms and uses them as leverage to thrust wildly into my centre. Within moments, I have shattered into a billion pieces and cry into his shoulder as I experience the most intense orgasm. His thrusts haven’t eased up as he continues to drive into my body at great speeds. He shouts my name repeatedly while moving his hips at a dangerous speed. Closing his eyes, he moans loudly and stills himself deep within me as I feel him pour his seed into my captivity.
Its takes a few minutes for us to recover, a few minutes to wipe off the sweat we have created from one another, and a few more minutes to kiss and hold each other gently. Long after he removes himself from my body, after he redressed himself and me, after pulling us under the covers and holding me tightly, after he kissed my neck and massaged my back till I gave into sleep, that I realized how completely safe and at peace I feel when I am in his arms.
My stubbornness is something that I cant control and I know there shouldn’t be anyone who has to tolerate what I put them through. But at the end of the day, I’m glad my husband never gives up on me and still continues to love me the way he does. For that I’m grateful and because of that…is why I always will need him.
It almost feels awkward to be out in public, to be surrounded by other people who live in this town. Today I was surprised with a night out…no bodyguard…just my husband and me. Just like old times. Things have been getting better between us; we seem to have a better understanding of the circumstances that are taking place. John, as promised, has lightened up on the security barriers and allowed me more room to breathe. I haven’t exactly won the battle for independence, but it’s coming around.
Reaching for my hand, he pulls me gently from the passenger side of the car as I step carefully onto the pavement. Holding my long beige coat to my body, I block the chill and step closer to John. Tipping the valet, he grabs at my hand and we walk hand in hand into the restaurant. Looking around the foyer, I examine my surroundings as John pulls the coat from my shoulders and hands both our coats to the host’s assistant. It’s a new restaurant, one that I had no idea was even being built in downtown Salem. It’s quite exquisite and elegant, very European looking with its rich colorful designs. Tables are draped in red that are embraced with Gold plate settings, stemware, and candle holders. The chairs look extremely comfortable and plush, which are also colored in red and gold.
Guiding us to our table, a young beautiful girl with dark hair and the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, smiles as she asks us if this is our first time here. Smiling I nod as John does the talking. Once we are seated, she places the wine list in our hands and then lays the menus in front of us. Smiling, I tell her thank you as she nods happily and tells us to enjoy. Looking up at John I smile and look around at the other couples dining in the room. The lighting is very dim, and the candlelight gives a nice balance throughout the dining area. Shifting in my seat, I smooth my hair back and shift it to one side as I read the wine list and look over the different choices they have to offer.
John asks me a few questions as I answer them happily, making sure to make eye contact and smile at him as much as possible. He has made me extremely pleased by bringing me to dinner and making sure I am taken care of in the best possible way.
“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?” his remark makes me look back up again from my menu and giggle.
“Only about a few hundred times…but you know I never get tired of hearing how incredible I look.” Winking my eye, he laughs loudly as he reaches across the table and holds my hand. He kisses my knuckles lightly and looks closely at the new diamond ring that sparkles on my ring finger. After everything we been through, he wanted to start new and give us a brand new beginning. With that new beginning came along a new ring…and a renewed commitment. This time making it stronger then ever. Placing his lips along it, he smiles at me and releases my hand.
“So tell me, is that a new dress because I don’t think I ever saw it before.” Putting my menu down, I slide my hands and smooth out the material along my stomach.
“No sweetie…I have had this for a couple years. I just don’t think I ever wore it out or I should say…ever had the chance to.” He looks me over and gives me a bedroom look. I’m guessing he approves. I never would have thought this dress would be so appealing to John. It’s a simple beige satin fitting dress that has a square neckline with thick shoulder straps, revealing slight cleavage but not enough to make the imagination run wild. The length stops below my knees, with a peek-a-boo slit in the back of the dress. That is about the only thing that can be slightly considered as sexy.
“Well I’m in love with it…and the way it clings to every curve of your body. I can’t wait to get you home tonight.” His last words are dripping with desire as his eyes become heavy with want.
“Thank you my love and I’m just as excited for you to get me home too.” Putting my lips together, I blow him a quick kiss and look back at our menu.
Once our order has been taken, we sit back and engage in an animated conversation, laughing and giggling constantly. It feels good to feel this relaxed again. To simply kick back and basically enjoying each other’s presence is something I have been longing for, for so long. Sipping our wine, we talk about our plans on moving into a new home. The townhome was a temporary location for us to live until the penthouse was renovated with new security. It wasn’t until last week that I finally voiced my concern about not comfortable moving back there. As much as I love the penthouse, I couldn’t face going back there feeing unsafe, no matter how tight security may be. He promised to find me a new home, one I can relax into.
Once dinner arrives, we quietly pick at our meals and keep the conversation minimal. Glancing over at his plate a few times, I begin to wonder if I should have gone with the prime rib he ordered instead of the filet mignon that is on my plate. Due to the serious nature of this restaurant, I choose to keep my fork to myself although reaching for a bite of his steak is quite tempting.
When the dinner plates have been cleared and our desserts have been consumed, John orders us a bottle of champagne. I ask what are we celebrating and he simply smiles and says me which makes me blush. When I ask him to be serious…he jumps at the chance to remind me that this is one of our first of many nights out and it calls for a celebration. Leaning over the table, he whispers that after the champagne, we can head on home and truly celebrate.
Grabbing my hand, he informs me to grab my purse and leads me to the back of the restaurant where there is a large bar and music. The atmosphere is much more relaxed and quite intriguing as oppose to the seating area at the front. The couples seem to be more at ease as they laugh and drink, some dancing but most just enjoying their company and the conversations.
“What about our champagne? Won’t it be dropped off at our table?” My concerns seem to amuse him because he laughs before resting his hand along my cheek and shaking his head.
“It will be coming here, I instructed them to deliver it back here?”
His answer doesn’t make sense to me. “I don’t remember you instructing the waiter to have it delivered here?” My concern is interrupted when a waitress comes up to us and hands us both our glasses of Champagne. Quickly thanking her, I turn to John and smile. “I guess I was wrong.”
Lifting his glass, he toasts to us and clinks his glass against mine. “To us.” I repeat as we both sip the bubbly before he takes my the glass from my lips and sets it down at the bar. Grabbing at my hand, he pulls my body to him and slowly backs us up to the dance floor.
“Dance with me…” Looking into my eyes, he leans closely and takes my lips gently with his. Our mouths connect as our bodies cling together on the dance floor. Slowly we sway to the music as our lips play a game of tag.
“I will always dance with you…you never have to ask.” I say to him softly as I kiss his lips once more . We move to the beat of a slow song as I get lost in the melody that plays throughout the room. Its the most beautiful love song I have ever heard and it seems to fit the mood just right at this very moment. Once the song comes to an end, I slightly shove him from the floor and silently guide him to the bar. Reaching for my glass, I finish the remaining liquid as he pours himself another glass. Making sure my glass is full…he chugs his drink while I look around to see if I know anyone.
Hearing John talking, I turn back and see him talking to someone near the bar. He has his back to me and his body is blocking the person who he is engaged in a conversation with. Drinking my champagne, I slip around to his side and notice a medium height woman with dark brown eyes and chocolate colored hair. She is a very beautiful young lady and extremely attractive. Her body is long and slender, her posture…perfect. Observing her closely, I notice how her hair falls down past her shoulders in soft lazy curls while her makeup is absolutely flawless. I begin to wonder how John knows her or maybe he just met her at the bar now.
Not wanting to be rude, I continue to drink my champagne and wait for him to notice me. As if on cue, he turns to look at me and then back at her. Smiling happily he begins the introduction and I wait to hear who this enchanting woman is.
“Marlena, sweetheart. I would like you to meet Dominique…from Basic Black. Dominique, this is my wife Marlena.” Immediately my heart stops and my body stiffens in shock. Why I don’t drop my glass is beyond me. As if I’m in slow motion, I watch as she smiles and speaks slowly, reaching out her hand for me to shake.
Staring at her and then her hand, I remain frozen. This is her! This is the woman that I’m not completely convinced John didn’t have an affair with and who tried to ruin my marriage. As I look at her, I can see the potential in that type of situation. She is an incredibly beautiful woman. And John would be lying to me and himself, if he said he was never tempted to even attempt something with her. Looking at her up and down, I reach for her hand and shake it cautiously. She smiles and says it’s nice to finally meet me. I smile back and tell her likewise as we part and I stand closely at my husband’s side. Sipping my drink I listen to their conversation but never take my eyes from her. Now that I finally put a face to this mysterious Dominique…I do not trust her at all.
She glances at me and then looks back at John as she laughs and flips her hair to one side. Running her finger behind her ear, she tucks away the loose strands. She begins to laugh and lightly touch his arm, completely animated in a not so interesting conversation, in my opinion. After what seems like an eternity of pure nonsense, John finally turns to me and includes me in what appeared to be their private conversation.
“Marlena, how are you enjoying yourself tonight?” She pronounces my name so cocky that I cringe when I hear it.
“Just fine, thank you. And yourself?” She nods and tells me that she is having a wonderful time and this is one of her favorite places.
“Is it now? Do you come here often?” The question is casual and I wait for her response as she reaches for her drink at the bar.
“Not as often as I like, but I do try and make it out here once every other weekend. Thanks to John, I never would have known about this place.” My mouth drops as John looks over at me but I keep my focus on her. He reaches for my hand but I swipe it away as I take another drink from my glass.
Clearing my throat, I look over at John who looks as if he has just been caught in a lie. “Oh John told you about this place?” Knowing exactly what I am getting at, he places his hand on the small of my back as he tries to make excuses about getting another glass of champagne.
Clueless, she continues to drink as she nods and looks around the room for others she might know. “Yes, in fact he took me here a few times for dinner. Business dinners that is,” She smiles and winks at me. “We would be so swamped with work and never have time to eat…so he would suggest dinner at times.”
John nervously laughs as I look at him and smile. “Oh that must be around the times when you used to get home at 2 or 3 a.m.? Of course, how could I forget about that? Such late business meetings…Wow such dedicated employees you have.” My sarcastic tone goes unnoticed by both John and Dominique.
“Well I certainly do my best to make sure Basic Black runs as smoothly as possible. Wouldn’t want to give John a reason to fire me.”
“Noooo, why would he ever do such a thing…especially to such a wonderful employee, such as yourself?” Laughing I watch her uncomfortably shift as she looks to the ground and takes another sip from her glass.
“Sweetheart? Would you like to dance?” John reaches for my hand as I quickly remove it and brush my hair behind my ear.
“No…I would like to go.” Walking between them, I Place my drink along the bar stand. Gathering my purse tightly in my hand, I look at Dominique and smile.
“It was nice to finally meet the woman I have been wondering about for the past few months. I don’t know you, and I’m not even sure if I should even be judging you at this very moment…but please do not let me find out you have been interfering in my marriage. Enjoy your night.” Smiling, I walk away from her and leave John behind as I head to the front of the restaurant and grab my things.
Staring out the window, I shake my head and bite my lip angrily as I try to contain the boiling rage that is quickly taking over every part of my body. Fidgeting with my hands, I try to keep them busy to avoid them from swinging at John. I have done everything to refrain from causing John harm….everything. I switched the radio stations, played with the power windows, fidgeted with the ashtray cover on the door, turned the heating system on and off. Everything I could poosibly do. Now we drive in silence, he barely knows what to say and I barely have anything to say. I received all the answers I needed tonight.
We haven’t even driven for more than five minutes and I already want to smash his face onto the steering wheel. Yanking down the passenger visor, I quickly open the mirror where I check my eye makeup and begin to wipe away the smudges that have formed in the corners of my eyes. I know he is looking at me, I can tell from the corner of my eye. Not bothering to look at him, I remain focused on the mirror.
“Don’t look at me.” My tone is edgy and fierce. He almost seems scared because he clears his throat and turns his sight back on the road. Slamming up the visor, I lightly pound my fist againt the door as I begin to loose what little control I have left. “I cannot fucking believe this is happening. No this isn’t happening. I must have imagined this…all of it…tonight.” I begin talking to myself because I’m not really interested in what excuse he may tell me this time.
“Marlena please..let me explain.” I quickly cut him off and turn to look at him.
“No, no, no….there is nothing to explain. Its all pretty clear on my end that your nothing but a lying bastard who stops at nothing to get what he wants!”
Sighing loudly, he grips the wheel tightly as he shuts his eyes for a second, as if I’m hurting him. He can’t even begin to feel the same pain I’m going through. “Marlena….stop it.”
“Don’t you ever tell me to stop it…you don’t have the right to! You deserve what’s coming to you…all of it. How fucking dare you lie to me, when I asked you point blank. I begged of you to tell me the truth and you insisted there was nothing going on.”
“There isn’t!” He shouts as he hits the wheel and steps on the accelerator a bit more.
“Bullshit!” I shout back as I slam my hand against the armrest between us. “You can stop lying now, your only making yourself look more and more like a coward.”
He remains quiet as if I’m pushing his buttons and asking for a fight. I so badly want to reach over and hit him in his face, I want him to feel the pain that I feel….I want him to feel as bad as how I’m feeling.
“So when did these dinners supposedly take place? How many times have you taken her there? Better yet, how many times have you taken her to dinner period!” These questions fly out of my mouth as I stare bitterly at the man before me. He ignores me as he continues to drive. Hitting his arm, I shout at him to answer me.
“Why does it matter? You already painted me as the adultor so what’s the point.”
Hitting his arm again I interupt his sentence. “No John! You did that all by yourself! Dont you dare blame this one.”
Turning around in my seat, I throw my head and back roughly against the leather chair. Mumbling words to myself, I find things to look at outside as I try my hardest to calm down. Crashing my car wouldn’t be wise. If we were in his vehicle, I would have slammed his gearshift into park while we were moving.
Yanking back down the visor, I flip open the lid to the mirror as I examine myself once more.
“Un-be-fucking-lieveable!” My anger is getting the best of me as tears begin to well up in my eyes. Its not that I’m sad…not at all. Its that I’m so horribly upset that I could kill him and walk away happily.
Swerving the car roughly onto the side of the road, he shifts the car into park as he looks at me and shouts.
“I didn’t fucking cheat on you! Why won’t you believe me!”
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I look at him and reach for my purse. “Because you’re a Goddamn liar…that’s why!” Pulling on the handle, I swing my car door open and step outside. Making sure to slam the car door as hard as possible, I walk away and pull out my cell phone.
“What are you doing?” He calls out to me as he quickly climbs out and closes his door. Jogging over to me, he snatches the cell phone from my hands as I turn to snatch it back but he is too quick.
“Give it back to me.” I warn him as I reach for it but he pulls it away again and puts it in his coat pocket. “Give it to me now or I will grab it myself.”
“Then go ahead and grab it. Who are you calling anyway?”
Laughing, I hold my coat tighter to my body as I walk away from him and back to the car. “That is none of your business.” His hand on my arm stops my movement as he jerks me back roughly towards him. Removing my arm from his grasp quickly, I push at his chest angrily as he loses his balance and steps back.
“Don’t you ever touch me again, not ever!” I point my finger at him as I begin to walk away but he grabs at me. I turn rapidly and hit his arm away and just as quickly slap at his head. “Don’t!”
“Marlena stop this now!” He blocks my blows and grabs my wrists carelessly, causing me to flinch in pain.
“Don’t touch me! Why did you do this! Why did you lie?” I could breakdown and cry but I’m too angry for that. Instead I shout and try to break free from his hold. “Tell me why you lie? Why do you purposely like to do the damage you do?”
He pulls me to him and tries to hold me but I angrily push away from his body. “I told you not to touch me!”
“Marlena I didn’t cheat on you. How many times do I have to tell you over and over that I was never unfaithful. How many!”
“Don’t you dare turn this around like your the victim. Your a lying son of a bitch is what you are! You lied to me about these business meetings and dinner dates!”
“Nooo! I didn’t! I simply didn’t tell you details but I never lied.” His comment upsets me so much that I hurl my purse at him which hits him harshly on his chest and falls to the ground.
“That’s the same as lying John! Its betrayal and I’m sorry you’re too fucking stupid to comprehend that!” I feel a few tears fall from my eyes as I stand there and stare at him. The street we are on is abandoned, dark, and eerily quiet other then our shouting. The wind is beyond freezing but it is a welcoming distraction to my heated flesh. “You lying to me is worst than cheating. Its more painful for me because you continue to view me as some kind of mindless idiot instead of respecting me as your wife and the mother that I am to your children.”
He slowly drops his head and squats down to pick up my purse. The hum of the engine and the wind blowing around us seems to catch more of my attention. Slowly walking to me, he hands me my purse and walks to the passenger door. Opening it, he stands there and looks at me and then back to the ground.
“Lets go home.”
“Nooo!” Its upsetting how he tries to dismiss me and this issue, which is getting bigger with every second that ticks by.
“Damnit Marlena!” He slams the car door shut as he walks over to me quickly. I don’t budge, I simply stand still and continue to cross my arms as I look at him. “We are going to freeze out here if we don’t get back in the car now.”
“As if I fucking care about that!” My words are surprising to him. I hardly curse at him or to anyone else for that matter, when I’m upset. But tonight, all bets are off and I could care less what he thinks.
“Get in the car now!” He demands me as I stare into his eyes. He moves closer to me as if to intimidate me but I’m not affected, not in the least bit.
“Go to hell…” I whisper as I turn my back on him and walk down the road. Not really knowing what to do or really having a plan, I continue to walk. I know he won’t leave me alone here but I really wish he would.
I should have known John would do something drastic. He always does when I don’t respond to him. He takes matters into his own hands and acts like a caveman which I have always hated. Throwing me over his shoulder, he carries me to the car as I scream for him to put me down. I slap at his back and head but he isn’t affected by my blows.
Opening the back car door, he tosses me inside and crawls into the backseat with me. Reaching for the handle on the other door, I attempt to open it but he blocks my move and snatches my hand back.
“Get off of me and leave me the hell alone!” I hit him as he hovers above me and pins me to the seats. “John, stop it!”
“Would you please calm the hell down Marlena!” His words are loud as he fights to keep my struggling body still.
“No! Get off me!”
He hovers over me and watches me as I try my best to escape his death grip. Giving up the fight, he silently releases my hands and sits back as I adjust my coat and sit back as well, away from him.
“Are you going to listen to me now?” I don’t respond to him, I simply look down at my lap and remain quiet. “I wasn’t unfaithful. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. Yes Dominique and I went to a few dinners. Nothing new. They were simply business dinners Marlena and nothing more. I didn’t tell you because we both were going through a tough time about Jonathon. I’m not trying to make excuses here but that’s the only reason I have right now.”
I silently listen as I play with the buttons on my coat. He continues to talk as I hear him out. He is by far still in the doghouse with me, but being the trained professional I am, I listen without interupption.
“It was dinner and nothing more. Business meetings turned into long hours and yes I suggested dinner. Nothing else. I have a beautiful wife at home, why would I jeprodize something like that?”
Breaking my silence, I finally turn and look at him. “Because that beautiful wife wasn’t making love to you. And your only a man.” He looks at me disgusted as he turns his face and stares out the windsheild in front of him.
Smiling, I look down at my jacket and continue my insults. “Isn’t that how it happens John? Doesn’t matter how beautiful and wonderful the woman at home really is…if she isn’t putting out…don’t all of you men run to the whore waiting on the sidelines.” I purposely want to hurt him.
“You aren’t going to listen to me are you? Everything I say won’t even matter?” He asks quietly as I look out my window.
“Unfortunately for you…no.”
We stay quiet as we both listen to each other breathe. He is upset but not as upset as I am.
“You know John, its times like these that make me wonder if we are doing the right thing.” I turn and look at him. “I don’t think we are. I think we tried and we failed and we just refuse to see that sign.” I stare at the diamonds on my finger as it glimmers in the light that comes through the window. “Neither one of us…wants to be the first to say goodbye.” The song immediately pops into my head and begins to play throughout my mind.
He gets out the car and slams the door, pounding his fist into the hood of the car repeatedly. I don’t bother getting out, I just stare at my ring and then at the fabric of my coat. Once John stops his tantrum, he goes around the car and gets into the driver side. Not bothering to say a word to me, he puts the car in drive and we drive off in silence, heading back to the townhome.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I could be packing my bags, I could be packing his and telling him to get out of my house and life. Somehow that doesn’t happen with us when we get home. Instead we are silent, ignoring one another as we go about our lives.
After changing himself out of his suit, he plops himself on the couch and watches TV. I busy myself in the master bathroom and sit in a large tub of bubbles. The heated water feels incredible on my skin as I lean my head back against the rim of the tub and close my eyes. The scent of the aroma therepy candle smells wonderful and relaxes me from the earlier stress I built up.
Reaching for the loofa, I dip it into the soapy water and begin to lather my arms and shoulders and then lazily moving it across my legs. I lightly hum to myself, trying to forget the earlier events of tonight. To be honest, I am still quite upset. You wouldn’t know by looking at me, but I tend to hide my emotions quite well. I still can’t believe I finally met her. And I can’t believe he lied to me. Just the thought of them and him lying begins to upset me once again.
Continuing to rub the soft cloth along my skin, I concentrate on scrubbing my calves for some reason. I hear the door creek open and I glance for a second only to my attention back to my legs.
“What are you doing here?” He doesn’t say anything but instead comes over and sits along my vanity seat near the tub. He leans over and rests his elbows along his lap while balling his hands into a fist.
“Look sweetheart….I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to put it. I know I made a mistake, a big one. But one thing I know for sure and I can hold my head up high and look you straight in the eye when I say this….is that I never ever went to bed with that woman or any other woman. Your what I want…what I need….who I will always desire. No one can take that place.” He pledges his heartfelt words to me and ignore them. As I said before, I heard it all before. I still don’t believe him nor will – after tonight.
Placing the loofa along the edge of the tub, I look at him and rub my arms with soap. “Are you finished?” He nods and drops his head for a second. After gaining some courage, he clears his throat and dips his hand into the heated bubbles.
“I love you.”
I smile and give a sarcastic laugh. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” He looks up at me but doesn’t remove his hand from the water.
“Don’t even start with that….those sweet little confessions you like to give. Its too late for that now.”
“Why not…I mean them.” I shake my head and close my eyes, leaning my head back along the rim of the tub. When I don’t answer, he moves his hand along my knee and slowly caresses it. “I do love you…and I’m so sorry.” His face slowly goes to my shoulder and his lips skim to my neck.
Feeling the anger build again, I open my eyes and sit up. “Stop it. If you love me then you should have thought twice about lying or taking little Miss Sunshine out to dinner.” Moving my body from his offending lips, I look at him angrily.
“Jesus Christ Marlena…it shouldn’t even matter! I love you and only you. I did nothing with that girl. I’m telling you I love you!”
Standing up before him, I crawl out of the tub as he places his hands along my soapy wet thighs. His hand slides from my slippery skin as he sighs loudly. I reach for my towel and wrap it around me while releasing the clip that is holding up my hair.
“You have nothing to say when I tell you I love you?”
Turning around sharply, I look at him as he stands up. “That doesn’t matter! You loving me isn’t the issue…that was never the issue. You remaining faithful is…its always been a problem with you. And whether you slept with her or not, its cheating…its betrayal…on all levels.
I walk away into our bedroom as I search for my pajamas in my drawer. He comes up behind me and places a gentle hand along my shoulder but I slap it away. “Leave me alone John.”
“Marlena why are you doing this?” I slam my drawer and turn to look him in the eye.
“Me??? Me??? I’m doing this? You did this sweetheart, not me! Remember!” He walks away from me and I follow him, pushing on his back as he stumbles a bit.
“You think we are going to go back to the way we were John? You think I can let you come in here and smooth talk me and its going to be back to how we want it? Noo its not and I doubt it will ever be again! You betrayed my trust and for that….I will never forgive.”
He nods and sarcastically gives me a reply. Shoving him again, I warn him that I want him out of my room. He stops and grabs my wrist as he looks at me, warning me with his eyes to stop. I’m too upset to even consider stopping.
“You want to fuck me John? Is that what you want? Do you honestly think I’m going to let you just drop everything and forget what happened and let you fuck me? Is that what you want?” I get close to his face, my lips barely touching his.
He shuts his eyes and breathes in deeply as I slip my wrist from his grasp.
“Do you John?”
He shakes his head but never opens his eyes.
“Good…because those days are long gone and over with. Right now is a pretty good time for you to bond with Dominique, she might come in handy for those lonely nights your going to have. Now….you have my permission. So go fuck who you please…because its over between you and me.”
Sometimes life doesn’t turn out how you expected or what you may have planned. I like to think of life as an extremely long road that has unexpected twists, turns, detours and abrupt stops. I’ve spent a good forty seven years of my life on this earth. You would think I am wise to the ways of life but that is so far from the truth. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in this world, how accustomed you may be to the wills and ways we must go through….life never gets easy…it’s just harder.
I can’t even begin to describe the sadness I’m going through and how it overwhelms me…beginning at my every waking moment and haunting me until I close my eyes for the night. After endless broken hearts, three crashing marriages, and the loss of two of my sons….you would think I have a heart of stone. You would think I am able to handle any torment that is thrown my way and dust myself off after the fall. What most people don’t know is that I tend to remain balled up on the ground after the fall, dealing with the brutal pain that refuses to go away.
Its been three weeks since we had our fallout and I swear I miss him. I miss us and how we used to be. I know I’m still very upset about what happened and I can’t stop thinking about what possibly could have happened with him. Those thoughts alone fuel my fury and builds up the tension whenever I’m around him. He is still very much present at my home, refusing to leave. Our plans to move into a bigger and brand new home have been put on hold, obviously.
Sometimes I wish he weren’t around and would just move out the townhome. And then there are times that I’m grateful he is there and just having another body in the house, regardless of the circumstances, comforts me. Even though we don’t talk, or I should say barely….we tend to get by.
He stopped sleeping in our bedroom after a week or so. He respected my wishes and moved to the guestroom. It isn’t far from the master bedroom and he certainly can get to me in a hurry if something should occur. The security settings haven’t changed, in fact I think they increased. I did manage to get him to drop the bodyguard though, of course after an intense and horrendous argument that took place.
So you can imagine how odd it feels to be sitting at the Brady pub all alone with no one following me or hanging around me. At the same time, I won’t lie that I do feel a bit unsure and unsafe. But I’m relieved to be around family and friends, knowing I’m in safe hands here. Stirring my tea, I slowly lift my cup and carefully sip the hot liquid that pools against my lips. The heated tea soothes my sore throat and warms me up inside.
“Mom…what are you doing here?” Looking up, I see my youngest daughter as chipper as can be, with a smile plastered on her face.
“Belle sweetheart! Have a seat please…join your mom.” I signal for her to sit as she happily places her coat along the chair and adjusts her scarf around her neck. Sitting down, she smiles happily and reaches for my hand, squeezing it.
“How are you? I haven’t seen you or dad in awhile. School has been really keeping me busy…its driving me insane with all the midterm studying.” She goes on and on about school and I smile at her, grateful for the interruption she has caused. It gets my mind off John and our troubled situation.
“I meant to ask you…how is that going for you?”
She makes a face and looks up at the ceiling as she explains how its going. She begins to list the classes she is studying for and gives me a small explanation about all of them.
“Well it seems to me like you have everything under control and you seem to be doing quite well. Just stay positive baby girl and keep your head up high. I know your going to succeed…I can see that passion in your eyes. Just remember that I’m always always here for you. If you ever need anything, just ask.” I smile as I reach over and lightly tip her chin to look at me. Winking my eye, I whisper I love her and she whispers it back. My heart swells so much for her, this beautiful girl that God blessed me with.
Drinking my tea again, I hear her ask me about her daddy as I almost choke on the liquid going down my throat. She caught me off guard for some reason. “He is fine sweetie…working as usual.”
She looks at me suspiciously as she tilts her head slightly to the side. “Is everything okay with you two?”
Putting down my cup, I look at her and nod. “Of course it is…why would you think otherwise?”
She crosses her arms in front of her as she leans back against her chair. “Well because you get a certain look when you’re lying. Kind of like the one you are sporting right now?”
I laugh at her because I don’t know what else to do. I can’t tell her the truth; I don’t know what the truth is yet. Hopefully she will take my laughter as me dismissing her silly comment.
“Mom?” Raising her eyebrow, I notice she isn’t going to let this go.
“Yes sweetheart?” I fidget with my hands and end up placing them along my lap where I adjust the napkin that is lying there.
She says nothing but continues to look at me with a curious stare. We stay quiet and I eventually turn my face away and begin looking around the room…anywhere but at my daughter’s face
“You really aren’t going to tell me the truth? Its pretty obvious judging by your body language and the discomfort you feel when I look at you.”
“My My Isabella, living with a psychiatrist certainly has rubbed off on you a bit too much. Everything is fine…I promise you.” I smile softly as I reach for her hand after she unfolds her arms and places them on the table.
She still eyes me cautiously, as if she doesn’t want to completely believe the words I am telling her. “I think you are lying Mom…well not lying but definitely trying hard to cover something up. You don’t have to lie, I know you and Dad were having a lot of issues after Jonathon.” She lowers her voice when a waitress passes and looks away for a second before continuing. “It was obvious to everyone. But I guess what I am asking you now is, have you gotten somewhat back on track with Dad since that time? I feel as if you haven’t and I feel like you are simply covering up the bleeding wound that hasn’t been cured yet. I hope my instincts are wrong?” I don’t say anything; instead I sit up and push the strands of hair that are offending my sight, behind my ear.
“Isabella…everything is fine. Yes your father and I are having a few issues but that comes along in any marriage. We are no different than any other married couple out there. We have disagreements and arguments which result in not speaking for a few days but nothing that will affect any lifestyles. So please relax and calm down.”
I lie to my baby girl…I do feel bad about that but I am not ready to voice a decision I am not even 100% sure of as of yet. What I do know is that John and I are not on the same track and I don’t expect for us to be on that same path for a very long time. That doesn’t mean that I have an exact answer either or how I am going to handle our situation, I just know we are quietly and privately separated…with no intention to voice our situation to anyone as of yet. We shall continue to live two separate lives under one roof for the time being until a decision is made.
Reaching for my purse, I pull out a twenty dollar bill and leave it on the table which should be more than enough for a cup of tea and glass of lemonade. Smiling, I ask Belle if she has a little time to join me on a small shopping spree before I have to return to work. She happily accepts and we leave the Pub without any other demanding questions being asked…questions I do not have answers to.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Pretending to live a life that isn’t really there is harder then expected…harder then I ever thought possible. Clearly, I am not the great actress I thought I could be and no matter how hard I try to pull it off, I fail.
I go about our lives and act as if everything is okay, that John and I are still the happiest couple ever when in fact we are anything but. I fight urges to cringe whenever we are in the same room together and he touches me in front of everyone. I instead smile and place my hand along his shoulder while continue talking to others about whatever the conversation may about. The childhood game ‘playing house’ comes to mind when I have to define John and I these days.
The Oscar awards definitely are given whenever we are surrounded by our children. They by far are the toughest audience to fool and most certainly please. Nothing can get past them when it comes to acting like the perfect portrayal of a happy and in love couple. We laugh and joke, making sure to touch and kiss from time to time. We play the in love fools that we used to be, all for the sake of our children.
This evening will be our toughest performance, family and friends will gather for Thanksgiving. For some reason, my wonderful husband suggested our small townhome for a large amount of people. He happens to be a total genius at times, how did I get so lucky is beyond me. Of course we argued about this but how far did it get us…not much.
Changing into my outfit for the night, I make sure to tie the White satin ribbon into a bow at the front of my Black suit jacket. Looking me over once more in the mirror, I straightened my jacket and walk out the bedroom. Bumping into John in the doorway of the kitchen, he looks me over and then turns back to the doorway and walks out. Shaking my head, I check on the turkey and make sure all of the side dishes are still warm and ready to be served.
Hearing the doorbell, I clear my throat and call out to John to answer it. It’s Showtime. Hearing the happy voices of our guests, I walk out the kitchen and greet them as we all smile and kiss one another hello. I’m complimented on our home and my outfit as the acting begins and in full effect. Sitting them down, I offer them appetizers as John begins to ask what they would all like to drink. It’s not long before we have a house full of people and alcohol being passed around. I sip on a glass of wine as I walk back and forth from the kitchen to living room from time to time. Calling John over, I tell him to help me with the food as our guests mingle with one another. We don’t bicker when we are alone, in fact we continue the charade we have put on for everyone else. Making sure the table is all set, John disappears into the kitchen as I inform all of our guests to join us in the dining room.
We sit at dinner and laugh at the normal conversation that takes place at the table. John reaches for my hand every few minutes and either kisses it gently or squeezes it while smiling at me. I too smile back and continue eating my meal or chatting with our children and friends. They ask how we are holding up and we usually reply with the same answer as always…never better. He tends to kiss me…sometimes longer than it really should be allowed. Most of the time I am torn and do not know how to handle the situation. If I back away it looks obvious…if I let linger…will it confuse things between us, especially on his part.
“So did you set a date yet to move?” Hope’s question catches us both in a bubble because we look at each other and then glance around the table. Smiling, I wipe my mouth softly with the napkin from my lap and shake my head. Looking at john for a moment, I turn my attention back to them as I prepare myself with an excuse.
“Not yet. Unfortunately we have both been so busy with getting our life back to normal that moving hasn’t been our top priority. I think I keep postponing the idea of moving probably because I am dreading the fact of having to move once again. I actually have come quite accustomed to this townhome. I mean it isn’t my penthouse but it’s cozy and cute…don’t you think?” I laugh as I lift my glass and sip some wine to wash away the nervousness in my voice.
Hope nods as she looks around. “I happen to love it actually…I was wondering why you were planning on moving.”
Before I could even speak, John steps up to the plate and swings. “Well the little woman here wanted a giant mansion that glitters and gleams. And what my baby wants…my baby gets…isn’t that right honey?” He looks at me and I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Yes my love.” I smile as he pecks my lips and I close my eyes in dread. I hate acting out this game…just because we don’t want anyone to know the logistics of our situation.
“However, I am in no rush to run to that great big mansion my wonderful, adorable, and loving hus…John speaks about.” I stutter and as I look at the faces around the table, I realize I have made a bigger mistake by hesitating.
“Mom? What do you mean by that?” As expected, Belle does not skip a beat and jumps right on that comment. Placing her fork down, she reaches for the napkin in her lap and wipes her mouth. All eyes are on me, including John’s as I look around and laugh nervously.
The room feels hot and humid as my throat is disgustingly dry, which causes me to cough softly. Everyone’s stare is on me as I look between my daughter and John. Why I felt the need to carelessly speak is unknown to me but I’m certainly regretting it at this very moment. Taking a deep gulp of water I feel the refreshing cool liquid as it coats my throat and relieves the soreness that was beginning to build. Setting my glass down, I smile at Belle and then look at John before reaching for his hand.
“What I mean by that sweetheart is that we don’t need a large home right now. It’s just the two of us and it’s not as if we are in a life threatening situation that we need to move into another home. Your daddy and I are quite comfortable at the moment here. This has become home for me.” I signal with my hands as I smile happily and watch as the relief washes over my daughter’s face while our guests all nod and continue eating.
“Oh I was wondering why you weren’t jumping on the chance to move into a bigger home. I would have said yes before he even got the question out of his mouth.” Sami laughs as John lightly smirks and drops his gaze to his lap. He is giving away our unhappiness and I can’t afford for that to happen, especially not with our most naive daughter, Belle, sitting at this table. Softly kicking his foot under the table, I silently urge him to look up and give off a convincing act.
“You know if I was your age, I just might have had the same reaction. However; I seem to be a bit lamer, as you would put it.” She laughs at my comment which relieves me immensely, knowing she is buying into my excuse. “Isn’t that right sweetheart?” My gaze is on John as I desperately search for some kind of interaction on his part.
“What’s that honey? The part where you would have jumped at the chance in your younger years or that you’re lame?” His question makes everyone in the room laugh and I’m grateful as I close my eyes and giggle.
“Whichever you prefer to answer?” His lips skim along my forehead as he tells everyone that I’m not as bad as I make it sound and how we have all the time in the world to pick just the right home.
“John, Marlena, tell me about the investigation with North. Any leads?” The room grows quiet as Hope elbows Bo in his side. He coughs and looks at Hope as he asks why she did that.
“Marlena, John…I’m sorry you don’t have to answer that. Bo come on please, this is Thanksgiving and we are with family and friends. We don’t need any of those reminders.”
“Hope, it was just a question. I don’t see the big deal. John was I out of line?” He asks and before John could answer, I step up and speak for John.
“No you weren’t out of line Bo. It’s okay…to answer your question, no… There have been no new leads on Alex. But we do have some tips so we hope that all works out well.” Nodding my head, I smile and look up at John who picks up his fork and pokes at his food.
“So Belle, tell us about this new boy you are seeing? He just transferred here from DePaul in Chicago right?” Sami turns the attention to Belle which I am grateful for as I now watch her squirm a little bit under pressure. She explains who he is and how he is just a friend and nothing more. I enjoy watching my kids interact, especially when they are being adorably playful with one another. They tease and joke as if they have no other cares in the world. It is because of them that I fight to keep this secret from being exposed and only because of them that I continue to play this mind game with John.
I have asked myself over and over if maybe what I am doing isn’t right and that maybe I should consider rebuilding broken bridges. It’s a nice thought at first but then again ‘she’ isn’t very far from my mind. I know I should just stop and get over it…I know I should believe his word over anyone else but I cannot stop my mind from wondering what went on between those two. Maybe its better not knowing what may have happened but I would be a damn fool to pretend like everything is okay…especially if something did. And this is why I continue to let us go on like this. I see the pain in his eyes from time to time. He seems to be getting better as the weeks go on, but on certain days, there is that gloom clouding his eyes…his posture is weak and his ego is bruised. That would be because of me.
Its time like that, that I do feel bad. But when push comes to shove and I am fighting the internal battle to forgive and forget…I simply just can’t and I lose every single time. He may be hurt and he may be devastated at my decision but he had a chance to tell me the truth and he didn’t.
Yes I have made mistakes. Yes I am not the perfect wife, mother, daughter…I’m not perfect period. But then again no one is. John by far isn’t perfect. Yes I was unfaithful to him as well; yes I betrayed him and my marriage vows by giving into another man. Yes I ended up carrying a child that wasn’t my husbands and I hid the truth until I grew the courage to tell him. Yes I left my husband for someone who was claiming to be my previous husband…but that was not my fault. I came to my senses and I left him. Yes I admit…I’m not perfect! And as I said before and I will say it again…neither is my wonderful husband.
I came back to John…I fell into his arms and allowed him to love me. I returned the favor and loved him back just as much and provided him the lifestyle he wanted back for so long. I’m not asking for a reward…I’m simply trying to make sure we are all clear on the history. I came back to him, purposely conceived a child for him, his dream…something he wanted for so long. Unfortunately, Jonathon did not have the privilege to stay with us for long. It is because of the death of my son that this betrayal is hurting so very much. If John simply had dinner with this partner of his, I can excuse that. I can come to terms with that. But it was more than that. We both lost a son…we both felt the pain. But While I was at home grieving for my little boy, he had the nerve to be with someone else and wining and dining them instead of being home with his wife. The mother who lost their son too. It is because of that…that I will never be able to forgive John.
“Marlena…you ready for Christmas shopping?” Maggie’s question snaps me from my inner turmoil as I look up and put on a fake smile for her.
“Gosh Golly No…I haven’t even thought about shopping. I usually am pretty good at Christmas shopping, John is the one who pretty much despises it.” I laugh as he giggles and nods.
“It’s true…I hate the damn stores. I hate that Marlena pulls me into every store and tries to get me to participate. I basically love to bribe her by handing her the card and telling her to go crazy.”
I turn to him and smile. “First of all baby…it all comes from the same bank account so what card are you talking about? Secondly it’s not really bribing me because I am buying nothing for myself at all…it’s for everyone else.” The room laughs as Belle chirps up and explains that she is the only one that usually gets bribed into situations like that.
“Now Now Doc…we wouldn’t want to start making up stuff now, would we? I have been married to you for quite some time and lived with you for most of our lives. Every time you come back from Christmas shopping, two huge bags are usually just yours.”
Biting my lip, I fight the smile as I look at him seriously. “Well that is usually items for the house and not for me technically. Last I checked most of the things I buy are items for you as well.”
“Not quite but who’s counting. I’m not complaining…my money is yours sweetheart.”
He laughs and I could throw my drink at him. “That’s right darling…your money is mine, all mine and don’t you forget that.” I grin sneakily as I look around the room and reach for my glass. “And John, next time I shop…I will make sure not to get you a thing.”
“Uh huh…So John when you shop…do you buy Marlena anything?” Bo is trying to break that tension that has begun to build in the room once again. Before John could answer, I laugh as I look at Bo.
“Not a single thing Bo…but its understandable since his money is spent on late business dinners. Isn’t that right my love?” I push my chair back as I slowly stand and reach for my plate. “Please excuse me…”
I walk away to the kitchen as I hear the silence coating the dining room little by little. I leave John to brave the questions and looks of concern. It’s not my problem anymore…it’s his.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Long after the guests have left and the dishes are done along with the kitchen and dining room, am I able to unwind and undress in my room. Changing into a pair of silk pajama bottoms with a matching top, I sit along the soft comforter and begin to lotion my hands. Reaching for the control, I switch on the TV and throw it back along the soft cover.
Caressing my hands with cream, I glance at the screen occasionally and watch a few commercials play out. A soft knock at my door catches my attention and I see the door slowly open. Sami appears in the doorframe and it catches me off guard as I choke out her name.
“Hi Mom…I’m sorry…are you busy?” Shaking my head, I stand up and guide her in the room by pulling her hand in mine.
“Not at all my love…I always have time for you. What are you doing here? I thought you left a while ago…did you forget something?”
She shakes her head and tucks her hair behind her ear and looks down at my hands. Running her finger down my hand, she traces the bareness of my fingers and looks up at me.
“What’s going on mom?? With you and John I mean?” I pull my hand away as I turn for the TV control and click off the power. Turning back to her, I run my hand down her face and look at her carefully. “Don’t try to lie…its pretty evident.”
“Oh sweetie…it’s nothing. John and I are just having our everyday problems. It is nothing to be concerned about at all.”
“Mom please stop treating me as if I am Belle and just talk to me…tell me the truth. I can handle it.” She rolls her eyes and sighs as I slowly get up off the bed and walk to the balcony windows. Crossing my arms across my stomach, I look up at the sky and watch how the tiny flurries begin to fall.
“Sami…it’s a complicated situation. One that I don’t think you should worry about. Whatever goes on between John and I is for us to deal with…we don’t need assistance or advice from anyone else. It’s a private matter and not for our kids to deal with.”
“But I am not John’s child…I am yours. You can talk to me about this Mom. I know it may not be any of my business but I want to help. I can see it on your face that you are unhappy.”
“Samantha…let it go. This is something that John and I have to deal with and I do not wish to involve anyone especially not my children.”
She sighs as I look at her with a stern look. She looks at me and then drops her gaze to my comforter as her fingers toy with the fabric.
“I came back here because I did forget something. I left my cell phone here on the couch and you know how I am without a cell phone. John answered the door and he looked pretty tired…well at least that is what I thought it was at first. He smiled weakly at me and then let me in as he flopped down on the couch, closing his eyes.” She looks up at me as she continues. “I asked him if everything was alright and he simply nodded and said you were in the bedroom if I needed you.”
Looking at her I shrug my shoulders and purse my lips. “So?”
“So since when is John simply sitting along on the couch in his clothes from earlier still while you are in Pajamas, sitting in bed while you lotion up your hands and watch TV? Don’t you think that is odd?”
Shifting my posture, I stand on the opposite foot as I lean against the curtains of the window. “No actually…I don’t.”
She gets off the bed dramatically as throws her hands on her hips. “Mom, come on! Everyone who knows you and John knows that the behavior is extremely abnormal…unless something is going on. Which was kind of obvious at dinner tonight?”
I walk to her and place my hands on her head. Leaning in, I kiss her softly on the forehead and pull back. “Everything is fine. Now go home to that sweet little boy of yours and tuck him in for the night. I shall call you tomorrow and we will go shopping if you have time.”
“Mom! Are you not going to tell me?” Shaking my head, I smile and walk to the bedroom door.
“Goodnight Samantha.” I lead her to the front doors as I kiss her goodbye and tell her to call me tomorrow. Once she has left, I lock the door and begin to walk back to my room. I glance at John, who is sitting along the couch with his eyes closed.
“Hey Warden, you can lock down this hell hole for the night. I’m going to bed.” I turn my face and walk away, making sure to kick my door shut and hitting off the lights.
Isn’t it ironic how time always seems to fly by even quicker then usual when you’re running late? Lately I cannot keep track of what I am doing…actually I cannot keep track of the time at all. It’s like there is just never enough time for me in a day, and no matter what I do, I cannot make ends meet.
I hurry through the kitchen as I place my mug in the dishwasher and click off the kitchen TV on the counter. Looking up at the clock on the wall, I reach for the dish rag and dry my hands before grabbing the newspaper on the counter and folding it neatly in a pile. Glancing at my watch, I notice its five minutes later then when I last looked. How is that even possible?
I quickly walk from the kitchen to the living room as I reach for my purse and car keys on the desk. Looking over my makeup in the mirror, which is on the opposite end of the wall, and I make sure everything is in place and ready for public eye. Blotting my lips together, I reach for the handle and make my way out the door.
Repeatedly pressing for the elevator button, I fidget with my purse in my hand as I impatiently wait for the elevator that seems to be taking forever.
“God, I am going to be so late. I cannot believe how behind I am.”
Finally the elevator doors open as I enter and reach for the button that will take me to the basement where my car is parked. I watch as the numbers click by slowly and the beeps get louder and louder. After what seems like an hour of staring at numbers, I finally am free from the small confined space and walk over to my car. Hitting the transmitter, I watch as the lights blink on the car and beep goes off. Reaching for my door, I hurriedly throw my purse into the passenger side as I jump in and start the engine.
As luck would have it, I get stuck in a traffic jam on the streets and I grunt while hitting the steering wheel. My fingers move quickly to the navigation screen and I check to see if there are any detours that would get me out of this mess. And of course…there happens to be no detours. Clicking the communication button on the navigation screen, I dial a number and hear the ring throughout the speakers of the car. Once it is picked up, I tell the receptionist that I am running behind due to traffic but I will be in as soon as possible. After reassuring me that it’s not a problem, we hang up and I place my head in my hand and lean against the doorframe of the car. “This really is unbelievable.”
I reach for the radio and begin pressing buttons as I breeze through the radio stations. Finding a soft rock station, I lean my head back along the seat and tiredly place my hand back on the steering wheel.
After a half an hour, I pull into the parking lot and find a parking space close to the entrance. At least its one thing that went right today. Grabbing my purse, I push open the door and pop out the car. With my keys in hand, I swing the door closed and set the alarm as I walk into the building.
“Hi, Marlena Evans.” I smile at the girl sitting at the front as she smiles back and asks me how traffic was. We joke for a few seconds before I reach for a magazine and prepare to take a seat. Just as I’m about to sit on the couch, my name is called by a young assistant who happily asks if I am ready. Smiling I make my way to her as I tell her traffic was brutal and to forgive my tardiness.
“Oh that’s okay. Luckily we didn’t have that many patients today. So how are you feeling…everything okay? This is just a Routine checkup, correct?” She asks as she looks at my file and leads me to a scale.
“That’s right. Just a routine check-up.” I laugh as I kick off my heels and step on the scale. She begins looking at the numbers and then at my chart as she writes down my weight.
“Oh we lost a few pounds I see. On a diet?” I make a face as I put back on my shoes.
“No not at all…I didn’t even think I lost weight. I haven’t been eating a whole lot lately so maybe that is what caused me to drop a few pounds.”
“Eight?”
I look at her after adjusting my shoes on my feet. “Sorry?”
“Eight pounds. It’s a bit of weight you dropped. Not much but a bit, that’s why I asked if you were dieting. Its not big deal though…you still are at a healthy weight.” She says as she guides me to a room. Sitting down, she pulls out a thermometer and places it in my ear for second and writes down my temperature.
Sitting down on a stool, she looks back at my chart and then at me as she begins to ask a few questions.
“Has there been any abnormality with your menstrual cycle?” She asks as I nod and explain that it’s been jumpy and I have been getting periods a few times a month. She makes a face and looks at my chart and sighs a little. “Is it just spotting or heavy flows?” I shake my head and tell her its some spotting but nothing heavy. She looks back at my file and flips through some sheets of data. Nodding she runs her pen over some numbers and bites her lower lip. “That would actually be about right due to your age. It is going to start getting a bit choppy as time goes on. You are nearing menopause so that would explain the abnormal pattern of your period. When was the last date of your period?” Looking up, I begin to think and try my best to remember the exact day.
“The weekend before Thanksgiving, so the 17th of November.”
“Oh recently…few weeks back. Okay perfect. Any problems there or was everything okay?”
Shaking my head, I explain that everything was fine and lasted the usual amount of days. She nods and does one more look over my list before telling me to move on the table.
After checking my blood pressure, she writes down all the necessary information and tells me to prepare myself for the doctor who should be in shortly. She leaves the room and I begin to undress from the waist down as I sit on the table and place a sheet over my hips and legs. Waiting for the doctor, I inspect my ring as I pick at the dirt that is starting to cover the diamonds. There is a soft knock at the door and my doctor appears as I smile and we say hello.
“Hi there Marlena. How have you been?” Dr. Michaels is an adorable man with a charming personality. If anything, I should be embarrassed that he is allowed to see the most private part of my being but for some reason it does not faze me.
“I’m good Dr. Michaels…How are you? How is the family?” I ask him as I lay down and put my feet in the stir ups. I know the drill by now. He reaches for a pair of latex gloves and slips them on as he begins to pull out the instruments he is going to be using. Removing the instruments from their plastic wrapping, he lays it down on the table and discards of the plastic.
“They are doing quite well…they all are getting on my last nerve but doing extremely well. I am doing not too bad, just got back from a trip to Europe with the wife. It was phenomenal…definitely a wonderful experience. How is that husband of yours? I read he just struck up another deal with a big fashion firm.” He smiles as he turns the light on and sits in a stool in front of me.
“He is doing well…work is going extremely wonderful for him so that keeps him pretty busy.” I say softly as I feel him run his fingers along my folds. Sighing lightly, he tells me to relax as I feel him insert the speculum into my centre. Wincing a little, one of his hands holds my hip as he apologizes for the roughness. After telling him its okay, I close my eyes and clench my hands into fists along my stomach.
It doesn’t matter how old I am or how many times I have been through this….no woman ever gets use to this procedure. I feel him stop whatever he is doing and I hear him making a hum as he pulls away for a moment to move the light closer.
“Marlena, have you experienced any discomfort in your cervix?” His question causes me to sit up a little as I ask him what’s wrong. “Just relax and lay back. I’m going to check a few more things and then you can sit up.”
“No I haven’t had any discomfort at all. What do you see…what is wrong?” I’m beginning to get nervous and wonder what could possibly be wrong. His sighing doesn’t help me at all and my heart begins to beat a thousand beats per minute.
He stands up and removes one of his gloves and tosses it in the garbage can. Moving over me, he slides his hand to my pelvis and moves it slowly across my stomach, pressing and pushing which causes some discomfort. Moaning slightly he looks at me and apologizes while pressing lighter against my abdomen. When he feels he can’t find the answer he needs, he moves his gloved hand to my centre and pushes his fingers into me. Pressing against my walls, he pushes harder as I flinch and bite my lower lip. Looking down at me he pulls his fingers away and removes his glove while pulling the blanket down over my knees.
“Dr. Michaels, what’s wrong?” I sit up and move my legs from the stir ups as he takes a deep breath and sits on the stool.
“Marlena sweetheart…I want to do some more tests because I can’t be100% positive without them. But are you pregnant?” His question makes me laugh out loud. After he gives me a funny look, I control my laughter and place a few fingers over my lips to silence my humor.
“No Dr. Michaels…I am not pregnant. Not possible.”
“Why isn’t it possible? You are married, are you not?”
I look at him and smile. “Exactly…like I said…Not possible.”
“Have you missed your period…have you had any morning sickness? According to your chart, you said everything is fine besides the abnormal menstrual cycle and you lost some weight. But I’m noticing some inflammation in your cervix and your uterus is causing some concern. With that said…it could be one of two things. Either you are pregnant or there could be a problem such as a tumor.”
“A tumor?” My face is stiff as he nods and writes something in my file.
“I’m going to do some blood work as well as a urine test. I also want to do an ultrasound. That will give us a clear picture of what is going on in your uterus and if it indeed is a tumor.” He moves quickly as I begin to panic. “Are you sure you’re not pregnant.” Slowly nodding, I wipe at the tears building in my eyes.
“No, I’m not.”
“You sure?” He asks as if I’m some type of naive teenager who is clueless to the ways of life.
“Dr. Michaels, I have been taking birth control religiously after Jonathon’s birth. I was even more paranoid about safe sex after his death. So no I am not pregnant. Let’s skip the urine and blood test for now and jump on the ultrasound as soon as possible. Once we have our results on screen, we can then do blood samples.” He nods and tells me to sit tight as he leaves the room.
I lie back against the table and begin to breathe heavily as I shake from nervousness. Could this be my punishment for being so cruel to John? My body trembles in horror as I sit and hold the sheet to me while waiting for the doctor to return.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“What happens if this is a tumor, what are my options?” I ask as Dr. Michaels begins to lubricate the transducer and motions for me to lie down.
“There are a few options which can vary from minor surgery to a possible hysterectomy. We won’t know what we are dealing with until we examine everything though.” He tells me to put my legs in the stir ups and relax. What was supposed to be a normal routine checkup has turned into a 45 minutes of panicked hysteria.
I feel the transducer slip into my body as we both turn and look at the screen. The blurry black and white images pop up on the monitor as he moves the instrument around slowly, inspecting everything inside my uterus. My heart stops when I see a round figure…my worst nightmare come true.
“Ah there it is…there is your little problem. Are you sure you aren’t pregnant?” He laughs but I am anything but thrilled. I’m devastated and at a loss for words. I’m frozen solid, unable to show any hint of emotion. “There is the heart…and there is the arms and legs.” He points at the screen and my eyes haven’t moved from the monitor. I stare at it in disbelief and shock. This cannot be fucking happening to me. “It looks to me as if your about 18 weeks along. Truly amazing because you aren’t showing one bit. What’s your secret?”
I still have yet to speak a word to my doctor. I watch him look at the screen as he smiles happily for me when all I really want to do is breakdown and cry. I want to crawl under a rock and never be found again. I want to simply die, never caring to see another day again.
“Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” I hear the question but I don’t answer. Instead I simply look at the screen for myself.
“A boy.” I silently say as I drop my head and finally release the tears that have been welling up in my eyes. I burst into full sobs as I drop my face into my hands. “This wasn’t suppose to happen…how did this happen? I was taking care of myself. I took extra precautions to be sure this never happened again.”
He places a calming hand on my knee as he asks if I’m alright. I shake my head as I continue to sob.
“Marlena…things like this happen. It doesn’t matter how protective you are. I like to see it as a miracle…a gift from God. As a doctor, I know I’m not supposed to bring up the topic of religion…but I’ve known you for a long time. I truly do believe this is a gift from God. Everything happens for a reason.”
“I want to get rid of it…I need to.” I cut him off as I look up at him and into his eyes. “As a doctor, you cannot tell me no. Give me a name…and I will go.”
He has a horrified look on his face as he steps back for a moment and turns his attention to the monitor. “You have a very healthy baby Marlena. I do believe this is a miracle.”
“Give me a name please.”
He shakes his head at me as he places his hands in his lab coat pockets. “I’m guessing you don’t want the first picture of your baby?” I stare at him as I wipe the tears from my eyes. “You’re too far along Marlena. You’re going to be five months in a couple weeks. It’s beyond dangerous and impossible at this point.”
“Fine…I will find the name myself. Thank you Dr. Michaels for all your help.” I stare blankly at him as I lift myself from the table and grab for my things. He takes note and asks if there is anything else he can do. Shaking my head, he comes up to me and places a hand on my arm.
“I hope to see you back in a few weeks…with a healthy baby.” His voice is thick with concern and he watches me as if a father would watch his daughter. He quickly leaves the room as I begin to dress and cry once more.
“I have to do something and quick.”
Denial. It’s one way to perfectly describe me as of last night and this morning. After leaving my doctor’s office, I blankly drove my car home, unable to process the day’s events. I didn’t have the strength or courage to go searching for a clinic to rid me of this situation we have put ourselves into. To be honest, I was still in somewhat of denial about the baby, and even though I saw it on the screen for myself…I didn’t want to believe it.
Instead I made my way home and locked myself in my bedroom. I cried for hours on end as I curled up in the bed and listened to the sounds of my own sobbing and unsteady breathing. I knew John wasn’t going to be home for a long while, so I allowed myself to fall apart for the time being…knowing I was safe to grieve without his curiosity interfering. Even though we hardly talk, it doesn’t stop him from being nosey or asking me repetitive questions about what is wrong with me. I didn’t need to hear that at that moment and I didn’t need to inform him about the problem we have. I didn’t want John to know and I don’t plan on telling him about it.
Eventually I heard the front door open and the alarm deactivate which caused me to make my way to the master bathroom and locking myself in there to avoid him from hearing my sniffles. I turned on the shower and made sure the temperature was warmer then usual as I stripped myself from my clothing. Before I entered the shower stall, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a woman I didn’t really know anymore. Her eyes were smeared with black mascara and eyeliner, puffiness was beginning to form all around the eyelids. Her demeanor that once used to be phenomenal now appeared to be battered and beaten.
My hands had a mind of their own last night as they slid down my flattened belly and remained there. I wanted to move them away but they wouldn’t budge, they were cemented to the flesh. Angry, Disappointed, Emotional, Betrayed, Confused, and Clueless were all good ways to describe how I was feeling at that very moment. Today, this morning, really is not different. I managed to dodge John all night with him only knocking a few times asking if I were okay. I couldn’t face him and simply commented that I was fine and just had a sinus headache and was planning on falling asleep. He didn’t ask for me to open the door, he simply mentioned if I needed anything, he would be right down the hall.
This morning I saw him briefly as we met in the kitchen. He was dressed in his suit, his hair just recently cut short and styled perfectly. Holding the mug to his lips, he asked how I was feeling as he turned his attention to the TV on the counter. Mentioning that I was better, I move around him and grab a cup from glass cabinet. Grabbing the coffee pot, he motions for my cup as I raise my hand slightly and shake my head.
“No coffee today…I’m just going to have some tea.” The message was simple and he thought nothing of it as he shrugged and placed the pot back to its original place.
Glancing at his watch, he hurried up and drank the remaining liquid from his mug as he moved around me to the dishwasher. Reaching for the TV, I clicked it off and turned back to leave as John and I bumped into each other which slightly threw me off balance. We both had flinched back to avoid spilling tea on one another. He apologized quickly and reached for a dish towel that was by the sink. Taking it from his hands, I told him I would take care of it and that he should go to work while I clean up. He didn’t argue, he simply smiled and moved around me but something threw me off. He touched me and it wasn’t on my arm or waist…It was on my stomach. It was a simple touch that usually would have meant nothing at all but today it was odd. It was if something in the back of his mind was telling him about the baby in there. Not to mention he hasn’t touched me in months at all, not even to move me out of his way.
He left for the day and I was alone, left to ponder about what just happened. I sat and thought about everything and what his action could have possibly meant. Was it a sign? Was it fate? Whatever it was…it wasn’t enough to stop me from heading to the clinic.
I sat in the waiting room and looked around at my surroundings, nervous and scared.
I couldn’t sit still; I kept getting up and walking around, trying to ease the fear that was increasingly building just from my being here. It’s not long before I am called into a room where I sit and wait for a doctor. She is an older woman who doesn’t seem to be in very wonderful mood. She has the attitude that shows me it’s all business with her.
She looks at me and gives me a small smile and tells me to sit along the table. I haven’t undressed or even prepared myself for anything at all. I for sure thought we were supposed to discuss the options here before any work was performed on me.
“Are we beginning already?” My voice is shaky and quiet as I look at her. She has her back to me as she slips on a pair of latex gloves.
“No no no…I have to do a few tests on you first and give you a quick ultrasound. I also need to ask you some questions.” She smiles at me and grabs a file and a pen. She asks me my age, height, all the basic information and about my last period. “Have you been to the doctor yet?”
I lie and I explain that I have not but I did take two pregnancy tests yesterday and they were both positive. She writes this down and closes the folder. “Okay that will minimize a few tests then. Why don’t you unbutton your shirt and lay back along the table for me. You don’t have to put your legs in the stirrups because we haven’t gotten to that part yet.” I follow her command and push my shirt aside while she turns on the ultrasound machine and prepares for me. As soon as she has set up everything, she comes to me and squeezes some gel along my stomach. Placing the paddle along my stomach, she moves it around and looks for a sign of the baby. I bite my lip and hope she doesn’t state the obvious…that I am too far along to do anything about it. Logically I know I am but I am hoping for a miracle.
She spots the baby as she looks at the screen and hums to herself. “Okay, looks like you just made the mark.” My heart stops since I wasn’t prepared for that answer…I prepared myself from what Dr. Michaels had told me.
“Really?”
“Judging by the ultrasound, you are ranging close to 19 weeks. You made it right before the cut off point. Now this is going to be a late term abortion which we have to discuss a few things before we begin the procedure.” I nod as she moves the paddle away and shuts the machine off. “Is this really something you want to do?” I nod once again but don’t say anything. She looks at me as if she can tell I’m extremely unsure about all of this. She walks away and grabs my file as she tells me to sit tight and she will come back with some paperwork.
I sit and wait as I look around the room at all the posters on the wall that explains the process of abortion. All of a sudden, a flash pops in my head of me at a clinic before. I can’t remember why but I remember crying and explaining that I can’t keep this baby. My heart pounds and my head spins as I fight to remember why this memory is in my head. Could it be true…have I done this before? I have gotten an abortion before?
Since my amnesia, only bits and pieces of memory have came back to me but nothing that I would consider a full recovery. Hazy flashes of a dark haired woman telling me if I am sure blink rapidly in my mind. And then the door opens as my doctor walks in the room with a few papers in hand. I lose all hints of what might have been as she pulls a chair and sits down in front of me.
“These documents here are for legal reasons especially since this is a late term abortion. Please read them over and sign at the bottom if you agree. They basically state that we are not held responsible should something occur and conception is an issue in the future. All the basic legal documentation we need to have on file just in case.” I look up at her as she hands me the pen and stands up.
Before I sign anything, I place down the papers on the table and ask her what else I should know. She begins to explain the procedure, notifying me that it will not be an easy one and it usually is like a two day procedure.
“Why two days?”
“Well considering you are close to 19 weeks…the fetus isn’t exactly a tiny bean anymore and will need to be carefully extracted from your body. We will have to give you a one of two high dosages of medication that will slowly destroy the fetus. The first one will be extremely intense and you will feel incredible cramping and may experience nausea or vomiting. Shortly after, the second dosage will be given which will ensure that everything internally is destroyed. We then will put you to sleep and begin the procedure of removing the fetus from your body.” My facial expressions must give away the discomfort I already am beginning to feel.
“Could you explain the procedure of how you will remove the fetus?”
She grabs a few instruments and puts them on the table as she begins to explaining what they are and how they are used. She then shows me a machine that is technically used as a vacuum which will tear parts of my baby from me…little by little. Once she is done explaining I grab the papers and look it over once more. Reaching for the pen, I place it at the paper along the dotted line and close my eyes.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I lay in bed, tightly curled up and under the blankets as I cry endlessly into my pillow. I can’t believe I did what I did and I don’t know how I plan to live with myself from this moment on. I move slowly along the bed as I readjust myself into another position and ball up tightly once more.
My hands curl into my stomach and I simply sob uncontrollably. At this point I don’t even care if John hears me…I can’t even look myself in the mirror. I’m ashamed, I’m heartbroken and I am so confused. I try and think about anything else but today is not far from my mind at all…it’s burned into my thoughts. What kind of person have I become?
I’m a liar…a phony. I go against everything I preach. A knock at the door makes me catch my breath as John appears slowly in the doorway and asks me what is wrong. Wiping my tears, I whisper nothing which doesn’t settle with him at all.
As expected, John comes to me and sits gently along the bed next to me and cautiously reaches out and touches my arm. “Talk to me please. Something is wrong? What is it? You can talk to me?” I remain quiet and keep the sniffles to a minimum as I clear my throat.
“Its nothing John…I am just a little depressed. No big deal.”
“About us?”
Shaking my head into my pillow, I cry more as I choke out a no. He lies next to me and tries to pull me into his arms but I flinch and he backs up.
“What is wrong? Are you in pain…talk to me?” He sounds worried. I have yet to look at his face because I don’t have the courage to. I’m a coward.
“It is nothing…just a little cramping. It really is no big deal.” He shifts as he turns to look at me but I hide my face from him into my pillow.
“Why are you cramping?”
“Because John…” I don’t answer him…I am too afraid to announce the truth.
“Because what?”
“Because….Because…I am on my period. I’m just a little emotional and in some pain. Like I said before, it’s not a big deal. Could you please leave me alone and just let me be.”
He must be hurt by my comment because he sighs heavily and his weight along the bed is dramatic. “I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“Please John…I’m begging of you…just go. I don’t deserve you. Please just leave.”
“Marlena…I am not leaving. You need me…I can tell you do.”
“John..” I whine and he catches the clue. He gets up off the bed slowly and slowly opens the door to leave the room.
“If you need me?”
“Your down the hall…I know.” I cry softly as he closes the door. My life feels as if it is crashing down and I cannot tell a single soul about it either.
Six weeks and two days. It’s been that long since I made possibly the worst decision I could have ever made in this lifetime. I don’t regret it but at the same time, I am ashamed that as a psychiatrist, as a trained professional…I couldn’t find the answers I was looking for. I’m upset that I couldn’t handle the pressure and that I had to turn to a clinic to help me find the true answer and ease my fears. I have come to realize though, I’m no better then any other woman out there who finds themselves in an unexpected situation and turns to drastic measures.
My morning was a slow one, not much planned with my work schedule. I decided to use the time and catch up with my family, something I have been needing desperately. It’s been two weeks since I last saw them. Christmas. I wasn’t in the right mind frame then, as expected since my episode at the clinic. I now seem to be a bit more focused these days and am able to divide my attention to others. At least I thought I could.
Sitting at a table surrounded by my daughters is harder then I expected. They are carrying on an animated conversation about their lives and I can’t seem to be bothered with the simple banter between the two. I painted a face that shows I’m interested and concerned with the changes happening with them but the truth is, I have other concerns weighing on my mind and my heart. Just when you thought you were okay, your proven wrong. If they only knew what I was going through, if anyone knew, then maybe this pain wouldn’t be so crucial.
My head turns from one daughter to the other as I laugh a few times at the bickering that occurs with them. The laugh is all for show…there isn’t a jolly part of me in this body. Belle begins to ask me about her Dad and asks me what I gave him for Christmas. Its odd to be talking about this now, especially because I used to be so incredibly close with my girls that they always knew what I had up my sleeve. Now I’m just distant…with good reason but it isn’t fair to them.
“Oh nothing big sweetie. I just got him a few fleece sweaters and an IPod. Don’t ask me why he wanted it but he did.” I laugh as I sip my water. Sami take a bite of her salad as she holds the fork close to her mouth.
“Are you sure that’s it?” With a cocky smile she waits for my answer as I look at her curiously.
“I believe so…unless you know something I don’t.”
“Well,” she bites her into her salad again as she chews lightly before speaking again. “I happened to notice something that you think none of us did.”
“Which is?” My confusion is clearly not lost on them as they look at each other and smile.
“Mom…are u forgetting a lot these days or what?” Belle laughs as she lightly taps my hand on the table. “I’m talking about Dad’s new Movado watch. He had it on the other day…its really nice. The Diamonds on the corners of the face really give it a classy look.”
“Oh that. How could I forget about that…yes that’s the other gift he received from me.”
“What did he get you?” Sami looks at me as she reaches for her glass of water.
“Oh Diamonds and diamonds and more diamonds.” I smile as Belle nods knowingly and comments on what a lucky wife I am. She talks about her wish to become a lucky wife and to find a husband as loving, caring, and romantic as her father. Instead of agreeing, I simply nod and whisper that I hope that for her as well.
Checking for the time on my watch, I apologize to the girls for cutting this afternoon short. I inform them that I really have to attend a meeting at the hospital and that we shall catch up soon. Standing up, I adjust my suit jacket and put on my coat, making sure to adjust the belt along my waist. Kissing them softly on their cheeks, I tell them I love them as I head on out and make my way to my car. I have just enough time to make my meeting and prepare for my next patient this afternoon.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Tiredly making my way through my front door, I throw down my keys on the desk along with my new Gucci purse that John gave me for Christmas. Kicking off my heels, I reach down and grab them as I slowly walk towards my bedroom. My feet are sore from the arch of the heels and my legs burn from standing on them too long. Yawning, I toss my shoes in the closet and begin to pulling open drawers for comfortable clothing. Lose fitting clothes is what I’m going for…anything too constricting tends to annoy me and I simply can’t relax when I feel suffocated by tight fabric along my skin.
Removing my suit, I toss it into the dry cleaning basket and slip into my relaxing clothing while running my fingers through my hair and adjusting it into a pony tail. Finding a hair clip, I firmly clip it my hair and make my way to the kitchen in search for something to eat. The house phone begins to ring as soon as I open the fridge door and I sigh at the perfect timing. Reaching for the cordless phone on the counter, I glance at the ID and pick up.
“Hi John.”
“Hi…I took a chance and thought you would be home. I was just calling to tell you not to cook anything. I’m bringing home dinner so you don’t have to make yourself anything.”
I’m thrown off because this is the first time he’s actually concerned and checking in with me. He hasn’t did that since we were on good terms.
“Oh really? You don’t have to do that, I was going to fix something small up.” I begin digging through the refrigerator as I look through different items I could cook.
“No its fine. Stop looking around…I will be home shortly and I don’t want the food to go to waste. See you soon.” With that he hangs up and I blindly click the off button and place the phone down on the marble counter. Clicking my nails against the marble, I bite my lip and wonder why he is bringing home food…why all of a sudden the change in mood? I will admit we have been decent with one another but this action by far throws me of quite a bit.
It isn’t long before that I hear him enter the front door and walking into the kitchen. A simple hi and smile is all he gives me as he places the food on the counter and I take a peek at what he has brought home. Unpacking the food from the bag, I notice its Chinese as I open each container to see what’s bought. Reaching for plates, I begin putting food along my plate as John tells me to go ahead and eat without him. I don’t ask questions but he feels the need to explain that he has to jump on a conference call right now and it might be awhile. Shrugging, I grab my plate and turn on the TV as I sit and watch a movie, alone. It doesn’t bother me…I’m used to it. This has been my routine for months.
By the time his conference call is finished, I’m long done with my meal and I’ve retired into the living room where I cozy up into the couch and preoccupy myself with patient files. Adjusting my thin framed glasses, I look over some paperwork as I jot down a few notes on my notepad while occasionally sipping on my hot tea. For most of the part I am left alone in peace, without any interruption. Lately, I have been swamped at work with no end in sight. It could be because I have been preoccupied with constant thoughts about last month, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. But it does. Never in my life would have I thought abortion was a solution. Never. I’m ashamed that I even considered that an option but I’m only human. When put into predicament such as that, anything is possible and no human being thinks clearly. Regardless if you are the best trained professional out there…we too have faults and cannot handle certain situations. I’m not making excuses for myself but simply stating a fact.
Reality begins to throb throughout my body and I close my eyes and wince in pain. I don’t know if it’s simply the emotional pain I’m feeling or if it’s the physical pain within my body that is a painful reminder of what I decided to do. Regardless, I take deep breaths and clench my fists into the throw that is lying along my legs. I try not to make my pain obvious, knowing that John could walk in any minute and witness me in this state. And of course the constant questioning will take place after witnessing such a scene. Questioning I’m not prepared to answer, answers I don’t quite have yet…and a reality I’m not ready to reveal to the world. The pain subsides as I take slow deep breaths and open my eyes, looking around to make sure John is no where near.
Once I am convinced that I am alone, I slowly stand and begin putting files away in my briefcase. Securing the bag, I stand up and place it along the desk before returning to fold the blanket along the couch. Grabbing my mug, I make my way to the kitchen and lightly clean up the slight mess that was left behind from dinner. It’s not much but I have an extreme phobia when it comes to not having a clean house. I could never go to bed knowing there is one single dish lying in the sink or a couple crumbs that may be hiding on the counter top. Running the wet napkin over the marble tops, I make sure no smudge or crumbs are left behind and toss the napkin away in the trash can. Hitting the lights, I look back and make sure everything is in order and head to my bedroom. Closing the door, I tug on the hem of my shirt as I lift it above my waist and over my head. Throwing the shirt on the bed, I reach to open my dresser when a knock takes place. My heart freezes and before I can tell John not to enter, the door is open and he walks in unknowingly. At first he looks embarrassed but then he stops and his look is frozen and confused. Snatching a top of the drawer, I hold it against my body and ask what he is doing.
He looks up into my eyes and I can see the betrayal in his eyes. He walks to me but I back away and lightly bump into the dresser.
“What’s going on here?”
“What are you talking about…there is nothing to going on?” I try and slip past him but he reaches out and grabs my arm roughly, stopping me from trying to avoid the conversation.
“What the hell is this?” Yanking the material from my hands, he flings it behind him and looks at me. “What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing!” I cry as I try and remove his hand from my arm but it’s pointless, his grip is too intense. “You’re hurting me…let go please.”
“Marlena..tell me the truth now. What in the hell is going on…what is going on with your stomach?” His eyes move down to my swollen skin as my hands reach down and cup the slight bulge that is beginning to form.
My secret is up and I can’t hide the truth from him anymore.
For as long as I live, I will never forget the look in eyes, the unforgettable way he gazes at me with disbelief and horror. He watches me with such disgust, as if I was a complete stranger who was caught stealing from him. His eyes alone make me want to crawl from my skin and run far away from him, to a place that can never be found.
Being caught in a lie is the worst feeling that could ever happen. Well maybe not the ultimate worse but definitely one of horrible situations you could ever be involved in. This was not part of my plan; this was not how I intended it to be. I’m not that naïve to have fooled myself into hiding the fact much longer, but I thought I could buy some time and figure out what to do next. I’m horrified about this entire situation. No one has a clue as to what I am going through and the stress I am putting on myself. I’m terrified about having this baby, I’m terrified that this baby will not end up living, I’m terrified of what will happen if I do lose this child, then what happens to me…to us. We cannot handle another loss; It will destroy whatever we have left.
His grip remains intense as he holds me still and looks at the bulge below my breasts. I shut my eyes in embarrassment, how could I face him now after all I have done. I kept this entire pregnancy a secret; I kept the truth from him, the truth about his own flesh and blood. I know he is disgusted with me, to say the least. I don’t blame him, I am disgusted with myself. He begins to ask questions and I don’t have the answers he is looking for. He asks my why I hid this, why haven’t I told him. All excellent questions but none that I can answer truthfully. Instead I try and remove his hand from my arm and whisper that I’m sorry. I want to explain and I will tell him everything he needs to know but he needs to release me.
“It’s too late to bargain now…start talking.” His tone is cold and unwelcoming. I shut my eyes and let the tears drip down my face.
“Please John, your hurting me. Can you let go?” In a childlike voice, he caves and releases my arm and watches my every move as I grab the shirt I tossed earlier on the bed, and slip it on and over my body. Sitting down along the bed, I sniff softly and wipe at the careless tears that are falling endlessly along my cheeks. “I’m sorry…I really am. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
He doesn’t say anything…he simply stares at me and stands still. He hasn’t moved an inch, he is standing firmly along the carpeted floor near the dresser.
Taking a deep breath I begin to pour out the harsh details on what he needs to know. Confessing every single thing you lied about is harder then ever imagined and I feel ten times lower then I did just a few minutes ago. Possible? Without a doubt…yes.
“I found out I was pregnant about six weeks ago. I didn’t have a clue at all about it…everything seemed perfectly normal and there were no signs of this baby.” I look up at him to make sure he is listening and my eyes travel back down to my hands that lay in my lap. “It was a routine check up, not a big deal. Everything was going completely well until they noticed a few changes within my body, changes that I shouldn’t have had. They informed me of a few possible situations…either it was a tumor or I was pregnant.” I lightly giggle and I wipe away the tears from my cheek as I relive the moment of telling the doctor that pregnancy was impossible.
“Why was it impossible? You’re a woman…last I remember…pregnancy could still occur.”
“Because I’m older John. It isn’t likely that pregnancy can occur at my age.”
“Clearly it has.” His statement is simple and harsh. “So why else did you think you couldn’t get pregnant? Obviously you had to have some reason to doubt that pregnancy would ever happen again?”
Looking up with pleading eyes, I tighten my hands into fist along my legs. “I already told you why.”
He moves closer to me and rests his hands on mattress as he leans closer. “Are you sure that is why? Because something tells me you’re lying about that as well.”
I turn my face from him as I look out the windows and try and focus on anything else other then mu husband breathing down my neck. I bite my lips and drop my gaze back down to the carpet as I choke on the words that are about to slip from my mouth. Shaking my head, I tell him the truth.
“I didn’t think it was possible for me to be pregnant because I was taking birth control.” My whispered confession causes him to stand up and look down upon me.
“You were taking what? So you were lying to me…this whole time. The entire time you fooled me into believing we were really trying for a baby…the entire time I asked you over and over if you were pregnant. You had the audacity to look me in the eye and lie straight to my face. You made me look like an asshole!”
Shaking my head quickly, I beg him not to believe that and that is not what I was trying to do. “Please understand John…I was scared. I didn’t want to have another baby.”
“Then why didn’t you come right out and say it then! Why didn’t you say I don’t want a baby and that’s that?” He shouts at me and I cringe from the tone of his voice. “Instead you made me believe that you were trying this whole time. As I was making love to you, determined to make your pregnant with my child…the whole time in the back of your mind, you were laughing.”
“No John…that isn’t true.” I beg him as I reach for his hands but he shoves my hands from him. Closing my eyes, I turn my head from him as I whisper that wasn’t the case.
“Its not! Its not! Are you kidding me Marlena!” He comes near me and stands right in front of me as he leans down and puts his face near mine. “How is it not the case? You were popping pills to prevent conception…am I right?”
I don’t answer him, I’m too afraid too. He is so angry right now that anything I say would be pointless and just hurt him more then what he already is feeling now.
“Am I right?!” I nod slowly as I cry harder and try to move back further on the bed. “So as I was spilling myself into you almost every night, you were fucking laughing all the way to the bank, knowing there was no possible chance you were going to get pregnant?”
“John please stop.”
“No I will not stop. You lied to me! You figured this poor bastard can be fooled so might as well do what I have to do. You’re selfish!” Nodding I agree with him but I plead that I never wanted to hurt him.
“John listen to me please. Apparently birth control doesn’t matter…it’s not 100%. We clearly have proven that fact.” My hands go to my slight belly as I explain my point.
“Why did you hide this from me?”
“Because I was scared…I didn’t know what to do anymore.” I’m being honest…I might as well. What more do I have to lose.
“So you found out when you were at your doctor’s office. How far along are you?”
“Just over 6 months.”
“6 Months!!!” Stopping him before he snaps, I inform him that when I found out I was four and half months along. “So you found out and then went about your life like nothing?”
I don’t know what to say so I simply stay quiet until he asks the next question. I don’t plan on informing him about the abortion process. I know I should since I am being so open and honest but I can’t find it in my heart to tell him. I didn’t go through with it so why should I dig the knife deeper into his heart.
“Anything else I should know about?” He looks at me with the same stare my own father used to give me whenever I was out of line and asked to confess my wrong doings.
“It’s a boy.”
He doesn’t even flinch but turns from me and walks to the dresser once more. Leaning his body against it, he rests his hands on the flat surface of the dresser and looks down to the floor.
“I’m so disappointed in you Marlena. I cant even begin to tell you how repulsed I am by the mere fact that you tried to hide this from me. My own child? Wait…hold on!” He stops and quickly pushes himself off the dresser and walks over to me. “This is my child correct?”
“Of course this is your child!” I snap a bit too quickly.
“I have to ask…you do have a track record for these types of situations.” His comments stings and burns a hole in my heart. Standing up, I reach for a picture frame off the nightstand and throw it at him, screaming for him to get out. He laughs as he shakes his head and asks me if he is wrong. I don’t answer him; I simply let the tears fall down my face as I walk around him and out the door.
Grabbing my arm once more, he turns me and tells me he isn’t finished discussing this issue.
“You don’t want to talk…you want to hurt me for all the pain I caused you. I’m not going to stand here and take it and let you put me down. I have apologized John…I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am. But I didn’t do this intentionally to hurt you…I was afraid… afraid. Don’t you understand that?” I snatch my arm from his grasp but he grabs me again.
“I’m surprised you didn’t abort the baby. I for sure thought that would have been your immediate reaction right after your doctor’s appointment.” I stand frozen, not knowing what to say. It’s true what he said…he hit the nail right on the head but I cannot admit that to him. I drop my head and don’t say a word…which is a dead giveaway to my guilt.
“Oh My god…you tried to didn’t you?”
“No John…I didn’t try. Do you think so little of me…is that it?”
“You have a track record for that too. Remember you attempted to kill my other child too…or did you forget about that as well? Funny how Roman’s babies you never thought twice about murdering.”
“John…stop this please!!!” All I can do now is cry and for once I feel hopeless…because my cries are falling on deaf ears. It’s my fault…I’m willing to accept the blame. I brought this all on myself. If I could do it all again, I would change everything…but I can’t and now I have to live with his hatred he has towards me.
“I have nothing to say to you…this…you…disgust…me. What you have done I will never forgive….ever.” Before the sentence is even over, he releases his hold and walks away from me, never turning around to look back at me once.
I cannot begin to explain how uncomfortable the silence can be throughout the day. Its amazing how a single word can make a difference, or a simple look that acknowledges you are a living breathing person in the room, does go a long way. These days I wouldn’t know about that because I’ve faded from his interest…with good reason. That doesn’t ease the torture im going through, wondering how he truly feels about this baby that is growing within my stomach. Does he even care? It’s been weeks since I told him the truth and not once has he bothered to look at me or even ask how his baby is progressing.
Its my fault…all of it. I should have never kept the news of his baby from him. What kind of woman have I become?
Today I am 7 months along, gaining only a few pounds, which is barely excusable with my doctor. According to my new Doctor, Dr. Landyn, I should have gained at least 10 pounds by now which would put my pregnancy safely past the high risk factor. But lets face it, I am a high-risk pregnancy case…it doesn’t take a miracle to figure that out by my age and medical history.
Even though my pregnancy is barely obvious, it doesn’t exclude the fact that I dont feel the little one everyday as it moves inside me profusely, reminding me that it still lives and breathes inside. As if I could ever forget. I feel the slight bubbles within my belly as the baby tosses and turns along the walls of its current safe zone. Sometimes I stare at my swollen skin below my breasts and watch in amazement as this child shows it presence by sticking a foot into my skin and leaving his along my belly. It puts a smile to my face and I regret every second that I almost considered ridding him for my own selfish reason.
This doesn’t mean that I have lost my fear or forgotten our past. I am still terrified of what is to come, I can’t even describe the fear that is building as we near the due date. Jonathon is constantly in my thoughts, a painful reminder for when I tend to fool myself into believing everything just may turn out well. I’m so terrified of the evil possibilities that could occur the moment this baby is brought into this world. Will he have the same fate? I cannot bear the loss of another child. I guess it’s a good way to explain why I haven’t quite bonded with him. I don’t do the exact things I used to do with Jonathon or my other children.
It would be completely inhuman and cold hearted of me if I wasn’t touched or drawn to the miracle that grows every single day. The baby does tend to bring a smile to my face and enlightens me with the dances it does within the walls of my uterus. It also causes me to ask it a few questions whenever a rough kick is given or a heavy push along my blatter happens but I certainly don’t have endless conversations with my child either, as I should I be doing. This isn’t the baby’s fault…not in the least…but im so scared that if I do give my heart to him, I will build up this compassion for something God may not allow me to have…. once again.
Moving me hand along my slightly swollen belly, I rub my fingers in small circles along the area my son keeps kicking. Lately he has been doing quite the wonderful job of torturing my right rib. Today is the first time this week that he hasn’t used his little legs to snap my rib in half. Last week his kicks were so intense and caused so much pain that I literally had to fight with him and push at limbs along my rib so he could stop. As expected, he would for a simple minute and then continued his battle with my bone. Having been fed up, I grabbed a cold water bottle from the fridge and placed the bottle along my ribs. The cold compress felt incredible along my throbbing side and also caused him to move away from the brutal change in temperature. I was in heaven for twenty minutes until he came for revenge.
“Okay really…that is enough of you. I got the hint…stop it.”
Pushing my hands down, I feel him kick my hands back and I laugh at his reaction.
“Oh I see someone has quite the attitude. This should be so much fun.”
I haven’t thought of any names for him. I haven’t even played around with the idea of what he looks like or what he will be like when I meet him for the first time. Im already convinced I won’t have that opportunity. I find myself imagining if he would have my features and John’s color, but I stop myself. Its all preparation. I still wish he wasn’t conceived…then it wouldn’t be this difficult. Every night I wake in cold sweats with nightmares of losing him or watching Jonathon leading his baby brother away from me. For reasons like these, I wish he wasn’t here. But he is and its too late now.
Dr. Landyn assures me this baby is quite the trooper and seems to be amazingly healthy. A miracle she claims. Smiling, I put on the happy mother face and fake away an over dramatic conversation about the anticipated arrival of my son. If she only knew.
My eyes follow the noise at the front door and watch John appear behind the oak wood. Glancing at me, he gives a soft smirk and turns his eyes from me and to the desk as he places his briefcase along the desk. I don’t bother to say anything, I simply turn my focus back to my belly and continue massaging the skin my son has assaulted. Once again he kicks at my fingers and aims at my rib which causes a deep breath from me. Closing my eyes, I nip at my lower lip and whisper for him to knock it off. I don’t want John to hear. I basically don’t want his fake compassion for something he doesn’t give a damn about. Once his keys fall along the wooden desk, I hear him shuffle along the carpet past me and into the guest bedroom where im sure he plans to change out of his suit.
Closing my eyes from the pain once again, I lie on my back along the sofa and place my hand along my rib.
“You are really asking for it….knock it off.” Whispering to myself, I feel my son ease up on his kicking and I wonder if he heard me or he just tired himself out and is finally settling down for a much needed nap. I hope to God it’s the latter between the two but this baby is so unpredictable I can’t be positive what he has planned. Somewhere between our battle and me talking, I fell asleep against the soft cushion beneath my body.
Jolting awake, his sudden kick stirs me from my slumber and unconsciously my hand reaches for my belly. Seeing John kneeling along the carpeted ground with his hands resting along my stomach was the last image I expected to come across when I awoke from this nap. My surprised expression meets his intense gaze and we lock eyes for a moment before our son interrupts with another kick. That causes a laugh from John, which puts a smile to my face.
Could this be finally happening? Is he finally coming around and acknowledging this baby and me?
“He certainly is a kicker huh?” The conversation seems too easy and this can’t be true.
“Your telling me…no one knows this better than I do?” I whisper as I rest my head back along the pillow on the couch as John huddles over my belly and feels for my son’s kick yet again. Its all too confusing…am I dreaming? How is that John hasn’t spoken to me or actually acknowledged me in weeks since my confession but all of a sudden I awake to find him huddled above my belly, searching for signs of our baby.
“He seems to be quite the strong kicker for his size. I’m completely assuming he is tiny as you haven’t gained much at all. You can definitely get away with a loose fitting shirt and no one would be able to tell the difference.”
“No they would just assume I have gained some weight is all.” This causes a big smile from John as he nods but doesn’t say a word. He moved his thick fingers against my shirt and traces the paths that his son kicks. For minutes we don’t speak, I just watch him as he finally bonds with our baby.
“This doesn’t change how I feel about what you did?” That repremanding voice comes out and I look at him and gently shake my head.
“I know it doesn’t…I wasn’t expecting it to.” I feel like I don’t have to say more…there really isn’t much to say after that.
“The truth is I’m still very angry and hurt that you could keep something like this from me. I cannot believe that you could do that to me…yet again. After all we have been through?” He still sounds disappointed, not that I would have expected that to disappear instantly.
“I never meant to John…I have no excuses to give. I just need you to know how terrified I was about being pregnant again, I still very much am. You have no idea what I’m going through or the thoughts I have about this baby not making it. Yet another child we may never see. I can’t handle the pain…not again.” My voice cracks from the tears that are beginning to lodge in the back of my throat. “It doesn’t excuse what I did or why I held the truth from you, but I could hope you find it in your heart to understand why.”
He doesn’t speak, in fact he doesn’t even look me in my eyes after my comment. He simply turns his gaze to my stomach and releases his soft hold from my bump. Slowly standing, he tells me he can’t forgive me and turns to leaves. I watch him disappear from my view as I sit and fight the tears that threaten to pour from my eyes.
Usually, I would have let him go…I would let him throw his tantrum and walk away. But for some reason I can’t…not this time. It might be the hormones or it might be the need for his attention. Whatever it is, it leads me to his bedroom where I find him in complete darkness and leaning against the balcony windows. One arm leans above him along the frame as the other rests along the side, balancing his stand. Walking directly behind him but not touching him, I listen to his deep breaths.
“You know this isn’t the first time I have bonded with my son.” A simple statement…one that confuses me. I don’t ask what he means, I wait for the continuation of his confession. “You didn’t know this but after you told me about this baby it took me a few days for reality to set in…for my mind to actually acknowledge the fact you were carrying my child yet again.” He stops and turns to look at me, resting his back along the window.
“I’m so sorry John.”
He doesn’t look forgiving, in fact he looks as if he hasn’t even heard me. He continues his story as I stand and look him in the eyes, trying to make out his facial expressions in this dark room.
“I would come to your room in the still of the night, once I knew there was a slim possibility you would awake. I would kneel before the bed and place my hands gently along your stomach. I would speak to him Marlena…I would whisper to him my hopes and dreams. Anything and everything I couldn’t tell you.” Tears fall from my eyes as I listen to his emotional confession. “I told him I couldn’t wait to meet him and that I would count down the days until he was here and in my arms.”
Every word seems shallow to me yet it strikes every nerve its suppose to. I know that sounds confusing yet cruel but its true and I understand what he is trying to say but he isnt taking into consideration how this whole pregnancy is affecting me. I’m not asking for sympathy, I am simply asking for some consideration. I know I am probably not making any sense and no matter what I say, it will completely sound shallow but I am so confused right now that I can’t think straight. Some days I want this baby, I want to hold him in my arms and memorize every little feature about him and then there are other days where I am dreading his arrival because I am scared shitless of what may happen the moment he is taken from body. Will he live? Will he die? These are all questions that cannot be answered and there is no one that can put my mind to rest when it comes to these thoughts.
John watches me as I have these internal thoughts, almost as if he can hear everything I am saying to myself. I look back as him as he moves to me and looks me straight in the eye.
“Tell me something Marlena…if you are or were so scared about this pregnancy, why didn’t you abort it?” Shifting my position, I step back suddenly because I feel like he is too close and I cannot breathe.
“I almost did.” My confession startles him and his eyes widen at the bluntness of statement.
“You what?”
“You heard me…please don’t make me repeat it.”
He appears to be lost for words as he stands there, horrified at the very thought he mentioned in the first place.
“How could…Why would you have even considered something like that?” He stutters as I turn my face in embarrassment. Even though the room is dark and we can barely make out the profiles of our face, I still feel the need to hide my face from the unforgiving stare I am about to receive.
“Why are you asking me this? You know why John. Why do you seem so shocked when you are the first one who just brought it up, as if you expected me to have done it.”
“Yeah Marlena! I didn’t think you would have actually considered it though. I was hoping my premonition was off.”
“John please don’t yell…please don’t do this.”
“How can I not…you lied to me yet again. Four weeks ago I asked you the very same question and you said you never considered it.”
I interupt him as I move back to face him. “No I said I never did it…there is a very big difference John. Obviously, I never went through with the abortion.”
I cant argue anymore, I don’t have the energy to and my son is beginning to feel the tension and stress as he moves around and kicks once again. Placing my hand on my stomach, I silently soothe him with a soft rub and make my way to the doorway.
John’s hand stops me as it grips tightly to wrist and he turns me so I can look at him. Snatching my wrist from him, I move back and place my hand back on my stomach.
“I am getting really fed up with you manhandling me all the damn time. Stop it.”
“Then don’t walk away from me.”
Frustrated with his ignorance, I turn away and decided to speak to him as I leave. He doesn’t deserve to have eye contact. “So it’s okay then to manhandle a woman when she doesn’t listen to you? Is that it?”
He doesn’t answer me but he does follow me into my bedroom…our bedroom. “Goodnight, John.” I try and close the door but he blocks it and attempts to make his way in.
“I want to know about this abortion and I want every detail there is.”
Swinging open the door, I stare at him in anger. “What does it even matter?!”
“Its matters to me!”
“Fine John…you want the details…that’s fine by me.” Staring straight into his eyes, I don’t budge as he waits patiently with his arms crossed tightly in front of him. It’s now or never and if this is what he wants to know, then this is how it will have to be.
All wounds will heal on there own no matter how deep the puncture may be. That saying plays repeatedly throughout my mind as I stare into his eyes and prepare myself for the news I know he doesn’t want to hear. I keep hoping that the wounds that are about to be slashed even deeper then before, once I expose the truth about what really happened when I found out about this baby, will heal with time. I pray that John is the understanding and kind man I used to know, but I know the chances aren’t promising.
I don’t plan to drag this out; in fact I plan to make it as quick and painless as possible. Being naïve makes me feel as if I have control over situations and that is probably why I talk myself out of reality more then I really should. It isn’t healthy nor is it the smartest choice for anyone but it’s the only thing that helps when you’re faced with moments like these. I fool myself into believing that I can give a half ass story about this abortion and be done with it all. With no questions asked and no insults being hurled. Immature thoughts? Yes but that is all I am hoping for at this very moment.
Grabbing his hand, I sit him down in the corner chair of the room and I watch him carefully as I kneel down and plop down in front of him.
Lets get it over with…I have no other choice now.
“Yes…I almost had an abortion… that much is true.” I look up into his eyes to make sure I can read his expressions clearly before dropping my gaze to my lap and continue my confession. “I’m not proud of what I did but I didn’t know what else to do or how to go about anything. I was scared and I know your getting tired of hearing that excuse but there isn’t any other way to explain how I felt.”
The room feels stifling and air suddenly becomes a priority when the airflow seems to be minimal. It could be because I am panicking, that is one way to look at it.
“I found out at my doctor’s office that I was pregnant the day before the abortion and my doctor pleaded with me not to go through with it. As expected, I didn’t listen and was only looking out for my best interest and not those of others.”
“Not even me?” His expression is pained and insulted. I don’t have the answer he wants so I decide to continue with the story before I choke on the words and they are never heard.
“I filled out all the paperwork, I wrote down all the information they needed to know before I was led to a room and prepared for the procedures.” Standing up is a blessing to my cramped legs. The blood flow immediately begins to circulate which begins bringing back some feeling to my recently numb limbs. I pace the floor because I don’t know what else I should do. Should I stand still and talk, should I sit…should I go back and sit on the bed? Too many unimportant questions that I don’t really have time for.
“So what happened next?” Reminders that I’m stalling.
I take a deep breath and drop my gaze. “So I lied on the table and waited and waited until the doctor came in and ran a few tests. I saw the baby on the screen when she gave me an ultrasound…I watched him move around as his little heart beat intensely. That didn’t stop me though, I went on to answer a few questions and talked about the procedure.”
Lifting my eyes to look at him, I make sure he is focused and I continue. “I signed the documents that basically gave my permission to perform the procedure.” Tears are beginning to fall and I’m starting to choke on my words. “My legs were up in the stirrups, a blanket was over me and all the tools were laid out on the side table.” My body begins to tremble. “One of the nurses placed a pill in my hand which is the first step to aborting the baby. I watched her pull out a syringe which was going to numb my body for the procedure. During all this I sat there shaking, wondering if this was the right thing to do.”
I sit along the bed because my legs suddenly feel week and I don’t have the energy to stand on my own two feet anymore.
“I closed my eyes and put the pill in my mouth. I tried to swallow it but I couldn’t, I didn’t have the courage to.” My mind flashes back to that moment as I sat there with the pill in my mouth. I removed my legs from the stirrups and sat up quickly to spit the pill back into my hand while shaking my head. I told the nurses I couldn’t do this and this was all a mistake as I jumped off the table and collected my clothes. They tried to stop me by trying to get me to relax but I couldn’t… I had to get out of there. I was filled with panic and shame to think I could even consider going through with this horrible procedure. Jonathon wasn’t far from my mind but neither was the little one that was jumping around within my womb. It wasn’t the baby’s fault and I would be damned if I were to murder him for a careless mistake John and I made.
“I spit out the pill and removed myself from the table. I couldn’t do it.” I cry as I cover my face with my shaking hands in shame. “That is why I couldn’t face you that night, I wasn’t worthy of your love or attention. I didn’t deserve any of it after the horrible decision I almost made. I don’t expect you to understand or forgive me.”
“Good because that wasn’t something I am about to do. I cannot forgive you for something like that Marlena…how could I?! You tried to kill my child…my own flesh and blood?”
“I know…he was…still is… my child too.” I sob out as John shakes his head angrily.
“Oh no no no…you cannot call him your child…you cannot ever call him your child! You do not even deserve to hold him in your arms once he is here. What you did is disgusting and disgraceful to all mothers. How could you have even considered attempting a procedure like that! The Marlena I knew would have never done anything so sickening!” Harsh tones fill my ears and I can hear how his words seep with disgust for me. I can’t blame him but he has to understand where I am coming from and why I was going to do it.
“John, I’m sorry but it’s not what you think. It’s not like I woke up one day and said ‘Oh I’m pregnant, this goes against my plans so let me get rid of it’. You know I wouldn’t do that!” I beg him as he steps back from me.
“I don’t even know you anymore…I know nothing about you. You aren’t the woman I married…you aren’t the mother of my children and you certainly aren’t the one I am in love with…not anymore.” He turns away from me and begins to walk out the room but I jump up and grab his arm.
“No no no John please no. Don’t say that…your lying…I know you are.” I tug on his arm to pull him back but he keeps fighting me as he tries to leave the room. After realizing I won’t give up, he turns quickly and grabs my upper arms as he holds me back and yells for me to stop it.
“I Love you John.” He looks disgusted when I say those words.
“No you don’t…you don’t love anyone but yourself.” He releases my arms and before I can let him walk away, I snatch his face in between my hands and pull his mouth to mine as I kiss him desperately. Holding his face tightly, I feel him squirm and I don’t care because I’m determined to make him love me in return.
He reaches for my hands and yanks them from his face but I don’t release my mouth from him. Instead I tangle my fingers onto the material of his shirt and tug while biting his lips with my teeth, hoping he will give up the fight and kiss me back. Mumbling against his lips, I tell him that I love him and I need him. I promise that I would never hurt him again and I want him to believe in me. He doesn’t speak…he doesn’t kiss me in return…he simply stands there…numb and frozen.
I grab at his face and deepen the kiss as I probe his mouth with my tongue. I need to get a reaction out of him…I crave his attention and affection. I need him. “I need you John…please say that you need me too. Please.” As expected, he doesn’t respond and I hold him tightly in my arms taking no consideration to his arms that are pressed firmly at his sides. Is he that repulsed by me that I cannot even get him to react to my seductions?
“John…please.” I mumble along his chin as I begin unbuttoning his shirt. He shuts his eyes and shakes his head slowly from side to side while I beg for his mouth once more.
“Marlena…stop it now. Stop this.” His plea is gentle which means he is losing the battle. I almost have him right where I need him to be. My kisses are instant and intense as they tug his lips roughly, swallowing them up in my mouth is my only focus at this moment.
“No…I need you. And I need to know…” My tongue dwells within his mouth and lingers against his, hoping to stimulate it enough so that it reacts with mine. “That you need,” His lips are sucked into my mouth once more “me..” I bite at his chin and then his lip. “too?”
“Do you?” Its simple and easy and its gets exactly the reaction I have been waiting for. He reaches around and pulls my body into his and kisses me back with the same intensity that I had before. Our tongues collide in a brutal battle for control as we move our mouths together violently. I don’t know if it’s the desperation or the sexual frustration that has us reacting so animalistic but whatever it is, I brace myself for an intense overhaul on my body.
I rip at his button shirt and snatch the material down his arms as we continue to possess each other with our mouths.
“I am so sorry John…I really am.” I kiss him hard on his mouth. “Can you ever forgive me for what I have done?” It’s a breathless plea against his lips, one he doesn’t respond to. Instead he moves his mouth to my neck and bites at the delicate skin below my ear. I gasp from the intensity of his mouth along my skin but it does nothing to affect his movements. Pulling away, I try to grab his face to ask him the question once more but his mouth keeps lunging for mine. “Can you forgive me?” I manage to slip these words into his mouth as we kiss once again, this time a bit softer then the kisses we have been giving.
His eyes on mine make me quiver with anticipation. Not so much for the sexual exploration that might take place but because of his reply. The answer isn’t what I wanted to hear, in fact its nothing I was hoping for at all but it settles with me. He tells me he doesn’t know right now but only time will tell. I have no other choice but to accept his response and hope for the best. Kissing him in return is my appreciation to his honesty and I am determined to win back his love and respect, no matter how hard I have to try.
It’s amazing what a simple kiss can do and how it can change your world from the chaos you might have created to a moment of unexpected pleasure. A slight caress along your skin can uplift the sorrowed spirit that used to lie within your body. The depression and beaten self-esteem you had intensified suddenly becomes re-energized and renewed with the slightest bit of affection that is given.
I can’t describe how John’s lips feel along my body, covering each inch of exposed skin with his moist lips. Showering special locations with his tongue, I squirm under his touch as I fight to control my breathing. I lay beneath him along our bed as he reintroduces himself with my body, focusing on all the hidden areas that used to make me tremble with anticipation. The urge to pull him in my arms and kiss him is uncontrollable as I reach down and tug on his face to lift him up but he doesn’t move. Instead he remains locked at my thighs and concentrates on marking the fragile skin of my inner thigh. The contrast of our skin is hypnotizing and my eyes linger along the image of him lying between my legs. His dark hair and tanned tone blends well along my light colored thighs that he is buried between. Shutting my eyes, I breathe out his name and grab onto his hair as my skin throbs and tingles beneath his lips. He looks up at me and drags his lips up my body until he reaches my chin, where he nips gently and pulls away smiling.
I reach up with and touch his face delicately while memorizing the look on his face. Swiping my hand down his face, it comes to rest under his chin where I guide him to my mouth and we join in a carnal kiss. Gently removing my hand from his face, he intertwines our fingers and lowers it slowly to the mattress where he pins it underneath the pillow above us. Moving his body between my legs, he grinds along my centre that elicits a guttural moan to escape me and into his mouth. Squeezing him tighter between my legs, he increases his movements as I cry for more and beg him to love me. Its been so long…its been too long and I want him…I need him.
He detaches our mouths and places a few open kisses along my neck before pulling away once more. Lifting himself up slowly, he lifts my shirt above my stomach and over my head. Quickly tossing it along the ground, his hands cling to me as if their magnets and slowly begin traveling down my body. As expected, they skim down body as rest along the slightly swollen bulge that rests between our bodies. His eyes lower to the skin as he gently massages my stomach and places his lips along my flesh. Darting his tongue near my navel, he traces a line down my belly until he reaches the edge and works his way back up. I watch him with heavy eyes and tighten my fingers along the pillows that I lay on, counting down the seconds until he joins our bodies.
I feel the tiny flutter in my womb and I open my eyes to see John wide-eyed and smiling while looking down at my stomach. I begin to sit up but he reacts quickly and stops me, pushing me back down gently and telling me that the baby kicked.
“He has a tendency to do that from time to time. He has been on a roll tonight though.” I smile while watching John moves his hands along my skin, determined to have our son kick once more. As if on cue, the baby kicks again much to his daddy’s approval. Erupting in laughter, John crawls down and continues to kiss my flesh all over as he continues to give soft massages. Mumbling words that I cannot quite understand, he moves his hands to my panties and slowly lowers them down my body. Looking up at me, he makes sure that I am focused before lowering his mouth to my heated centre that throbs in want. Closed eyes and heavy breathing occurs while John works his magic, determined to prove to me what I have been missing and neglected him from for far too long.
Arching my back, I feel him hit the spot that I had forgotten existed. My nerves combust with a heated bliss as my body shakes from the rising temperature that is quickly washing my skin tone into a faded pink. I attempt to control my overheated body as I take deep breaths and try and focus on anything else other then his ministrations along my nerve bundle. It’s a hopeless attempt and I cry out his name when I feel that gush of burning passion flowing freely throughout my body.
Recovering from the mind blowing natural high he sweetly presented me with, he closes my legs and sits up glancing at me. He watches me for a few moments before placing a soft kiss on each of my knees and then crawls besides my body, sliding his fingers up and down my skin. I turn my face towards his and we smile simultaneously before a painfully slow kiss is given that awakens that familiar yearning in the pit of my stomach once more.
Soft grips along my breasts with careful fingers that toy with the lace on my bra can be felt as our mouths remain connected. Lowering the straps from my shoulder, he moves his mouth to my ear and whispers if we can make love. In a raspy voice I tell him yes and reach for him but he grabs my hands and holds them tightly in his.
“Are you sure? Its okay…it won’t hurt the baby?” Shaking my head, I give a soft smile and reassure him.
“Its fine…the baby is fine. Its safe.” Kissing his lips in a soft peck is all we need. “Make love to me….please.”
The deep sucks along my breast feel incredible and it sends chills up my spine that cause my toes to curl. Completely removing my bra is next on his list as he straddles my legs and leans over my body.
“Its been so long…I missed you.” His whispered confessions are sexy and they turn me on even more if its possible.
“I missed you too. Hurry…” I beg because I can’t wait anymore. I want to feel him inside of me, I want to feel him fill me up with his love. Its been too long and that is my fault that we suffered.
“Shhh…” With a kiss he silences me and nudges open my legs. We remained locked at the lips while I feel him struggle with lowering his pants. Somehow im always the first to be undressed and naked whenever we are about to make love. If I was new to this game, it would be a little uncomfortable but years of practice have me relaxed to this pattern of lovemaking.
Biting my lower lip, I feel him slide into my body gently once he divested himself of his clothing. He places his hands into the mattress and holds his balance above me as he slowly moves within my body. Raising my legs along his hips, I encourage him to continue as I moan out the words he wants to hear. It might be my hormones or it could be the very fact we haven’t partook in any intimacy in quite sometime, but the friction between our bodies is incredibly pleasurable. His stiffened manhood sliding along my moist walls is enough to cause me to scream out for more.
“Harder honey. Please…” I whisper into his ear as he braces his hands along the bed for better control while picking up the pace on his plunges. He begins to move deeper inside my centre as I cry out into his neck. He dips into secret corners of my body that haven’t been caressed in so long.
I can tell he is prolonging the inevitable by slowing his thrusts. He pulls out of me and pauses before going back in easily and holds his breath. Squeezing my inner muscles, I grip him tightly inside as he grunts my name. Lowering himself onto his elbows, he manages to spread my legs even wider by circling his hips into mine. With a sloppy kiss, his thrusts become quick and deep as he bounces his hips quickly in and out of my body. Shutting my eyes, I arch my head into the pillow beneath me, feeling as though im about to burst from the orgasm that is building quickly.
“I love you.” It’s a low moan meant for him to hear. It fuels his passion even more as he plunges harder into my moist canal.
“Oh baby…” A breathless grunt that signals he is near climax. “I love you too. I love you so much.”
Holding his body as close as possible, I release myself and moan into his neck while repeating his name continually along his moist neck. Within seconds, he follows my climax and loudly grunts my name, dipping his head into my shoulder and buries his rigid member deeply inside my centre.
We stay like this for minutes until my legs go numb from the pressure of his weight. I lightly moan while moving my legs, which he takes cue and pulls away from my body. Carefully reaching for my stomach, he rubs my skin and crawls along my side. Spooning my body, he rests his hands where our baby rests and nuzzles his nose into my hair. We both sigh and without words, we lay content and exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I wake to the gentle caress of his hands on my blanket-covered body. My eyes flutter along his chest as I adjust to the visions before me, him running his fingers up and down my side. I tilt my head so that im able to look up and into his eyes as we both smile happily.
“Hi”
“Hey you” His response comes with a soft kiss. “How are you feeling?”
Stretching against his body, I try to relax the tightened muscles before I sigh and cuddle closer to body. Laying my head on his shoulder, I run my fingers down his chest and twirl my nails around the curly hairs that coat his chest.
“Im fine…tired and sore but incredibly relaxed and happy.” I whisper the last word and dip my lips to his bronzed shoulder.
He smiles and holds me tighter while kissing the top of my head. “That makes two of us.”
Silence takes over for the next few minutes as we simply enjoy the afterglow of it all. I continue my exploration as I drag my nails lightly up and down his chest, watching the goosebumps appear on his skin.
“When was he conceived?” The question comes from nowhere and I readjust my head so I can look at him once again. He looks down at me and can see the oddness of the question as it registers on my face. Running his finger down my face, he smiles and pecks my nose.
Closing my eyes, I smile happily and wonder how we went from hating each other to laying in each others arms content and in love. Its the story of our life and its the result of non verbal communication between us. Its what works…its probably the only that works with us.
When it hurts, will we still be the same two lovers all over each other? When it hurts will we still see why we got together and promise that we’ll never be unhappy? Will we still love each other when it hurts? That answer is yes and we always will. I love him and I never will love another as I do him.
“I was going to say that night in this room but that doesn’t clearly help does it?” I laugh and lift my leg higher along his hip and toy with the hairs on his chest again. “Remember that night we had an argument about me wanting freedom and then ignorantly making a comment about never having another one of your babies?” He seems puzzled and then suddenly tightens his face which signals he remembers. “We made such passionate love that night…it was that night you put this child here.” I grab his hand and guide it to my belly as we link fingers above the swell of my stomach.
“It was that night?” He seems surprised but I nod and tightened our fingers.
No words are spoken as we kiss lightly at first before it becomes passionately out of control. The unmistakable stiff muscle along my thigh reminds me he wants more then a kiss. Rolling my body above his, I straddle him and lift myself up as I look down at him. Gliding my swollen folds against his harden member is enough to make me explode right above him. Making sure to apply pressure on my over sensitive bundle of nerves, I grind heavily against him and watch his face carefully.
With tight eyes, he grips onto my thighs and follows my movement while I slide onto his thick shaft that tears at the swollen skin around my entrance. If I wasn’t so turned on I would cry out in pain but instead it creates a massive amount of pleasure.
Our movements are quick and less passionate than before. I wouldn’t describe this as love making and its more erotic then that. The only loving act that takes place is his hands running down my swollen belly and caressing it with every swipe of my hip. Its enough to put a few tears in my eyes.
Rocking my hips as hard as I possibly can, his body jolts then stiffens while he grunts my name heavily throughout the quiet room. Lifting my head back, I feel the pressure explode and I moan out to the ceiling, letting myself go in ecstacy.
His hands have yet to move from my sides as I fight to regain my breath. Being pregnant causes me to lose energy and my breath incredibly quick which is unnerving. You tend to get used to it but sitting on top of my husband heaving like a 500 pound woman on a treadmill is quite unsexy. I manage to smile and lean down to meet his mouth with a kiss.
“You are so damn sexy pregnant. Have I mentioned that before?” Smiling into his mouth, I kiss him deeply before releasing his lips.
“Once or twice.”
“Well I can’t get enough of this body.”
“You’ve mentioned that before too.” I laugh as I move myself off him and gently lay along the soft cushion of the bed.
“Well especially now that you have this here,” he reaches for my stomach and nuzzles my neck with sweet kisses. “I shall make love to you every single day.”
Squirming away from the tickling of his lips, I tell him that’s a wonderful idea but if we can hold off until tomorrow. My body can’t take anymore and I’m in badly need of rest. He kisses me once more and agrees by pulling my head in the crook of his neck.
“I love you John…don’t you ever forget that.” With a kiss on his neck and a finger at his lips to silence him, I mumble for him to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day with new beginnings.
I’ve learned to be grateful for everything that happens in my life….our life. Whether it be the grandest gifts of them all or something as simple as a smile or being called a nickname that signifies a term of endearment between one another. It still amazes me how we ignore the true meanings of life because never stop and appreciate the smallest details that occur throughout our lives. John’s laughter is one of them and for a while, I was naive enough to convince myself that hearing that occasional belly laugh was something I could do without. We all make mistakes and I for one can admit that proudly.
Watching him smile happily as he runs his hand down my swollen belly is enough to make the coldest region in this world melt over. His eyes glaze intensely with pride as he feels his son kick at his hand, encouraging John to continue his little private game that they are currently playing. With no consideration to my feelings, the ongoing feud between father and son plays out as John laughs ecstatically. Occasionally he looks up at me and gives me the most loving stare before our unborn child steals it away with kicks to regain his stardom.
Running my fingers through the thick black strands of hair, I lightly drag my nails across his scalp and admire the way he speaks to this baby. Our child isn’t even born yet but that has no effect on John…its quite obvious that he loves this child unconditionally. It is times like these that cause that familiar sharp piercing in my heart, reminders of my guilt. I will never forgive myself for the decisions I made or for the mistakes I could have made.
Jonathon is also never far from my thoughts. Lately I have had dreams about him, dreams that seem so incredibly real and leave a hole in my heart when I awake to find him nowhere near. Its a cruel fantasy that my subconscious allows. I can picture him perfectly every night…he is no more then 3 years old. His hair is as dark as night with the bluest of eyes I have ever seen. He has my smile and bubbly laugh but definitely John’s son without a doubt. Its the same dream every single night, the same scenario that plays out and ends with me searching frantically for him when I jolt awake anxiously.
The scene flashes throughout my mind and I envision the exact scene I plan to dream tonight. It always starts out the same…usually with me playing with the newest baby or changing his clothes along our bed. Jonathon comes bouncing in our room laughing happily as he playfully places his chubby fingers in his mouth and mumbles how his daddy is coming. Glancing at him, I laugh at his baby slur and incredible laugh that comes from his tiny body while he giggles away and screeches happily before running to my legs. Grabbing him, I lift him up and kiss the tip of his nose as he laughs and looks behind me for his father. Giving up on that idea, he sloppily places a wet baby kiss on my lips and turns to look back at his brother lying on the bed. Pointing at him, he calls out baby as I nod and lower him along the bed. Carefully crawling to him, he stares at the baby and smiles while our youngest son cheerily smiles and coos, kicking his legs widely. The interaction between my two boys brings tears to my eyes and a heart full of pride.
With a kiss on his head, Jonathon hurriedly crawls down the bed and runs to the door. Telling me with baby words he will be back, he runs to the hall as I call out to him and tell him to come back. Running behind him, I call for John to grab him but he doesn’t respond which causes me to panic more as Jonathon gets closer to the stairs. Running closer as Jonathon takes the first step, he turns around to look at me and smiles. ‘I otay mommy. Don’t cwy.” Those final words are mumbled to me before he turns back and fades from my arms as I reach to pull him back up. Frantically awaking, I look around and call for Jonathon which usually raises concern with John. He thinks I should talk to someone about my dreams and anxiety, I don’t think I have to.
“Honey” Fidgeting, I glance down to see John staring at me with an awkward stare.
“What’s wrong?” Sitting up I readjust our bodies on the couch as John allows me to get into a comfortable position.
“Nothing at all but I was going to ask you the same thing. I was calling your name for a few minutes, you didn’t respond. You okay?”
Putting on a smile and a tiny white lie, I nod and tell him that I was simply wondering.
“Oh yeah…about what?”
“About who this baby will look like?” This causes a very big smile from John as he snuggles closer to me and traces his fingers down my stomach and making small circles with his fingertip.
“I personally think he will look just like Jonathon.”
Smiling softly, I move some strands of hair from his forehead and smooth them back. “So just like you huh? Shocking.” A laugh escapes him and he reaches up to peck my lips.
“Are you okay really? Anymore dreams of Jonathon?” He always manages to hit the nail right on the head, especially when I try to divert his attention to another topic.
I simply nod and focus my eyes on the swell of my stomach, anything to avoid tears.
“Tell me please.”
I shrug and take a deep breath, I already feel the usual burn in the back of my throat from fighting the tears that are begging to be released. “It’s always the same. It seems so real John…its as if he is right here with us. I can hear his voice, feel his touch, see his smile and smell his baby scent. He looks so much like you…he’s a little you with my smile.” I manage to crack a smile and I wipe at the tears that are building under my nose. “I miss him so much and I want him here with me.” Silently crying, I drop my head and cry, unable to continue being as strong as I’ve tried to convince others of. He pulls me in his arms and holds me tightly. Wrapping my arms around him, I bury my face into his shoulder and hold him desperately. “I can’t move on. Im so terrified that this baby won’t make it either. I can’t handle another loss John…I won’t be able to take it.”
He silences me with a soft hum in my ear and rocks me gently in his arms. He tells me not to think that way no matter how hard it may be. Pulling away, he holds my face in his hands and looks me in my eyes. “This baby will make it…that’s a promise.”
“You can’t promise me that John? We don’t know that.”
He shakes his head and grips my tighter. “I know…our son will be perfectly fine and we will see him grow up. That’s a promise.” Clumsy kisses fall upon my lips, which are accompanied with soft nips. Lowering me down to the couch, he crawls over me and kisses me deeply, never removing his hands from my face.
“John…what are you doing?” Smothered whispers are hushed with kisses and answered with caresses.
“Loving you.” Simple and to the point.
It all happens so quickly that we don’t have the time to completely undress one another. Partially undressing, John manages to remove the unnecessary clothing from my body with very little assistance on my behalf. With an afghan over his body, he joins our bodies into one during a soft kiss. Lips combined with arms intertwined, he releases me from the stress our reality puts us through and invites me to a place to escape it all.
The moment is over before it’s even recognized. Breathless and exhausted, he kisses me before pulling away to get into a comfortable position. Playing with the hairs on the back of my neck, he whispers that I shouldn’t worry and it will all be okay if I just believe. Naivety is cute but its unflattering especially when our family has suffered through a situation that could very well relive itself. One deep breath and a light kiss on his hand shows him that I acknowledge what he is saying. Wrapping it around me, I allow myself to believe his dream if only for one night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“John? John?” My calls are ignored as I shout for him down the hallway while digging through our coat closest in the living room. “John, Honey have you seen my black wrap I had in the closest?” Once again there is no answer. Closing the door, I make my way to the bedroom in search for my wrap and to also find John. Turning my head, I catch a glimpse of the clock on the nightstand and notice that I am running about five minutes behind schedule…pretty usual. I have a doctor’s appointment today, one that should be extremely exciting for John since this will be his first time since he heard the news of our baby. Hurrying through the closet, I flip aside endless outfits and jackets in search for the wrap I am looking for. As I am about to close the door, John appears behind me and places it on my shoulders.
“I think we are running quite late without you digging through this mess here. Come on…lets go.” I can tell he is excited and I can’t blame him…who wouldn’t be. He reaches for my hand and guides me out the room and to the front door. Looking over myself in the mirror, I wrap the cloth around me tightly and reach for my purse. We look at each other once more before smiling and giving each other a quick peck.
Forty five minutes later, I lie on the examining table waiting for my doctor as John fidgets with the paper of the table. Looking around, he takes careful examination of his surroundings until the door opens and we both look at the doctor enter the room. My doctor smiles and asks if he is the infamous Mr. John Black before reaching for his hand and shaking it.
“That is I…how are you?” With a handsome smile, John shakes his hand firmly as my doctor smiles in return.
“I’m good…cannot complain. And how is the lovely Marlena doing today?”
“I’m just fine, thank you for asking.”
“That is great to hear…I always like to hear my patients are doing good. Makes my job a bit more easier.” We all laugh which lightens the mood. Being in a doctor’s office is never a comfortable situation no matter how healthy and perfect you think you may be. You will always be waiting for the bomb to drop and someone to deliver some bad news.
Slipping on a pair of latex gloves, he asks me if I have had any problems or discomfort in the past few weeks since when I last seen him. Telling him there has been no problems, he smiles and reaches for gel to rub on my stomach. He explains that at this stage, there shouldn’t be any problems, which is surprising to me since I expected a not so easy pregnancy.
“You ready to see your baby Mr. Black?” With excitement coating his eyes, he nods happily and reaches for my hand. The doctor begins to move the paddle along my belly as we look at the screen to catch a glimpse of our son. The image of the baby appears and John beams at the screen, his eyes quickly becoming watery from all the emotions running through him. I squeeze his hand and smile as our doctor looks closer to the screen and makes a face.
“Hmm looks like we have a slight problem here.”
Life is never what you expected…John and I should know that better than anyone. So my reaction is surprising when my doctor looks at the screen and makes a face, informing us of the problem that suddenly has appeared before us. Hearing those words from my doctor is enough to make me go into cardiac arrest. My heart nearly jumps from my chest when I release John’s hand and quickly move so that I can attempt to sit up. Flashbacks of losing our son Jonathon flash endlessly through my mind and visions of me losing this child begin to haunt my thoughts. It’s no longer just a nightmare…it has become a reality.
Tears immediately well up in my eyes as I begin to stutter on words that need to be expressed. I want to scream out and ask him what is wrong, but the syllables are trapped along the tip of my tongue and I can’t make out a single word. My eyes strain towards the monitor, searching for some troubled sign of this baby. The panic takes over which causes me to suddenly go blank, disabling me from forming a coherent sentence. My mouth suddenly goes dry and I choke out my cries in order to get Dr. Michael’s attention, who seems to be extremely focused on the screen. He quickly looks over to me and urges me to lie back down along the table and to relax. Shaking my head furiously, I manage to sob out no as I look towards John. His expression will forever be burned into my mind. He’s crushed and defeated with disappointment and devastation. I know my husband; I know that he wanted this child more than anything in this world. He would have gladly traded his entire life to spare this little life inside of me. To lose one child is traumatic enough, but to lose a second child is beyond brutal and horrific.
Dr. Michaels removes the sensor from my belly and pleads with me to calm myself down. How can he ask this of me when he knows what I have been through…what we have been through? It isn’t fair and there is not a person alive that can come into this room and attempt to relax me when my world is about to come crashing down on me yet again.
John is frozen and has yet to speak or show any kind of reaction. He doesn’t assist our doctor in trying to coax me into lying back down on the table and taking deep breaths. Instead, his hands are firmly planted along his sides and he wears the blankest look, void of all emotion.
“Marlena, if you do not calm down, you risk the chance of going into early labor. Please relax and lie back down so that I can take a closer look at the monitor.”
“I can’t.” The words have finally found a way to escape from under my tongue.
“You have to please. Just relax.”
“How can you ask that of us? You know what we went through before?” Looking over, I’m shocked to hear the words come from John’s mouth. He has finally snapped out of his trance but his words are unemotional and unattached. “Tell me what you see…what is wrong?”
“There is nothing wrong from what I can see. This is why I am trying to calm your wife down before she creates a problem that we all do not need right at this moment.”
A deep sigh of relief escapes John as he closes his eyes and leans his arms forward on the table while dropping his head. Opening his eyes, he looks down at me and smiles, making sure to dip his lips down to my forehead and place a sweet peck there. I, on the hand, am not satisfied with Dr. Michael’s answer and demand more information.
“I don’t understand what you mean?” They both look at me with sympathetic eyes and Dr. Michaels walks over to the end of the table and points at the screen.
“It’s my fault really…I should have never made a comment about there being a problem so carelessly. Especially since what you two have been through in the past with Jonathon. I misspoke and I apologize. There is no problem medically or physically, everything seems to be progressing extremely well. What I meant was that your little one here was not cooperating for the camera and therefore we couldn’t get a good shot for Daddy here to see. That is all I meant and I apologize immensely for the confusion.”
Relief has never felt as incredible as it does t this very moment. My heart has not slowed its pounding pace but just the idea of my child being safe inside my womb is all the comfort I need.
“Then he..he..he’s fine?” I can’t stop from stuttering at all. The scare from earlier can still be heard in my tone of voice.
“He really is okay. Now lay back down for me and let’s see if we can try once more to get a picture of this little boy for his father.”
Reapplying the gel along my skin, I close my eyes and take deep breaths as John places soft pecks along my check and forehead. He whispers to me that everything is fine and moves his eyes to the screen once again, searching for images of his child. He smiles when the doctor points at the screen and laughs.
“There he is and he seems to be behaving perfectly now.” I keep my eyes closed and feel the sensor moving along my belly while John and Dr. Michaels talk amongst themselves. I hear John ask him questions about the baby and the measurements of its body. He is concerned about our son and even though he doesn’t say much to me, I know he is worried about what can happen. The doctor reassures him that all looks perfect and there is nothing that poses a threat to this child’s health or to me.
I finally open my eyes and look at the screen before reaching for John’s hand.
“That’s exactly what they said about Jonathon.” The room goes completely silent and John looks down at me as my doctor stares at me sadly. “Jonathon started out completely healthy until they found a hole in his heart later on in the pregnancy. They overloaded me with steroids but that didn’t help much. In the end…he died anyway.”
“Sweetheart…we didn’t find out about Jonathon’s condition until you were around 5 months. We are way past that mark now. Your 7 months and everything looks great.”
“John please…stop I know you are not that naïve. Anything can happen…Jonathon didn’t die from a hole in his heart. He died from lack of oxygen…the cord was wrapped around his neck. It was something the doctors didn’t even see coming…no one could have predicted that.”
“Marlena don’t do that to yourself. Think positively.” Dr. Michaels breaks my train of thought as he looks over at John and then removes the machine from my body. Shutting off the monitor, he hits a button that prints out a photo of our baby for John. “I’m going to do a quick check to make sure everything is going alright in all areas, cover all bases. Would you undress for me from the waist down and I will be right back in a few minutes.” He does not wait for a response and leaves. John looks over at me and I shrug while moving off the table and unzipping my pants and lowering them along with my panties to the ground.
“Is this something they need to do?” He looks upset but that is probably because he does not like the idea of another man looking at such private areas of my body.
“I’m guessing yes.” With quick movements, I crawl back onto the table and wait for the doctor to return. Within seconds, he arrives and smiles while placing a few instruments on the counter. “Would you put your feet in the stir ups for me please?”
Quick hands move back into a pair of latex gloves and begin prepping the instruments for insertion to my body. Listening to him, I raise my feet up onto the cold metal and glance to the side to see John. He’s uncomfortable with this whole process and it clearly shows by his facial expression, however, he puts on a strong face and sits on a stool next to me to watch.
Flinching, I feel the spectrum as it slides into my body and Dr. Michaels moves his fingers along my folds. John’s nostrils flare as his jaw tightens when I slightly moan in discomfort…he takes it the other way. The procedure is done within minutes and once it is, Dr. Michaels taps my knee to relax and remove my legs from the uncomfortable metal.
“Everything looks perfect.”
“As in?” John doesn’t miss a beat to respond to that statement.
My doctor smiles as he removes the gloves once more and tosses them in a trash can. “As in I see no problems at all. Clean bill of health and you are good to go. Marlena, I do need one thing from you.”
“Which is?” Looking over at John, I glare at him as he stares back at me intensely.
My doctor looks confused as he looks between us both and then cautiously continues on with what he had planned to say. “I need you to take it easy during these last couple months. You tend to worry and stress yourself for no unnecessary reason which is not good for the baby or for yourself. I’m recommending that you cut back a bit on all strenuous activities which includes working and running daily errands. You can continue them but just not as often as you usually do on a weekly basis.”
I nod and before I can even speak, John interrupts my thoughts once again. “Do these strenuous activities involve intercourse as well?”
Turning my head quickly, I look at him angrily. “John!”
He ignores me and looks up at the doctor who doesn’t see a problem with the question.
“Not entirely…well depending on how often and strenuous the intercourse may be. How often are you and Marlena having sex on a weekly basis?”
“Not often,” I quickly speak but John interrupts me.
“Very often.”
Dr. Michaels laughs as he looks between us both and puts his hands in his pockets. “Which one is it?”
Speaking up, I stare at John before I look back at my doctor. “Not often at all…once a week maybe.”
Shrugging, he makes a face and smiles. “It’s not a problem then. As long as it doesn’t apply too much pressure for your body and you keep it to no more then four times a week…I believe you are safe. Take care you two and see you in a few weeks.” Smiling he turns to leave when he stops. “Oh I almost forgot.” Grabbing the picture from the printer, he hands it to John. “There is your son. Good luck and see you soon.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“John…you have to stop.” I cry out as he pulls away from me and looks nervously down at me.
“What’s the matter? The baby?”
I nod and push him off of me a bit as I try and readjust myself along the mattress. Since we had arrived home, John wasn’t able to control his raging jealousy about another man handling the most intimate part of body and had to regain control of the situation. With deaf ears, he ignored my plea to leave me be and began to make love for the last hour or so. I won’t lie and say I haven’t enjoyed it, but I certainly did not want it from the very beginning and I am not really entertained at the moment.
“The baby is kicking and I cannot concentrate…it is too hot in here. Can we please stop?” I nudge on him but he doesn’t move, he remains still and looks down at me as if I’m joking in some way. “John…move please.”
“Are you kidding?”
“No I am not…I’m not laughing am I?” I try and move my legs which cause him to move slightly but not enough. “The baby is kicking and its uncomfortable.”
Giving up on the idea of us continuing to make love, he crawls away from me and out of bed. Slipping into his boxers, he opens the door and walks out of the bedroom. Holding the sheet to my body, I turn slightly and close my eyes while kicking the thin sheet off my leg so that it’s exposed from the thigh down. The cool air against my sweaty flesh is refreshing and it takes me a few seconds to cool down.
I can only imagine where John went or what he is probably doing. I’m not concerned, I’m too exhausted to even worry about his satisfaction level or lack there of.
Feeling the baby kick again, I move my hand along my stomach and rub it in small circles.
“Shh go to sleep little one. I promise there will be no more movements to wake you. Let’s take a nap.” Yawning, I readjust my head in the soft down of the pillow and fall asleep peacefully, hoping the little one will soon calm himself and drift off to sleep as well.
The Jarlena Journal 