Marlena–
I’ve never been the master of the written word and I knew when I sat down to write this letter, tonight would be no different. There are things I desperatly want to say to you, things that fill my mind and my soul, but no words to actually make you understand. There’s no real reason for this letter, except that you deserve to know how much you mean to me.
I was watching you at dinner tonight. I watched you from across the room as you held Belle’s hand or as you told a joke to Brady and my heart swelled in ways that I have never experienced, even after all these years. I wish I could explain to you what you do to me. How your laugh fills my soul, how your smile touches my heart, but those are just words and nothing more.
Do you remember our first night at the beach house out in Malibu? It was storming but you insisted we walk along the beach despite the cold rain and the neverending thunder and lighting. You took off, running away from me, dancing so carefree, laughing as the rain fell down upon you. You stared at me, the ends of your hair curling, water running down your face, and I watched as the lightning lit up your eyes. It was that night I fell in love with you all over again. I had never seen you so free before, lost of all inhabitions. You slept in the same bed with me every night after that, yet I would dream of you in that moment. It was the moment I realized just how perfect you truly are.
I apologize for a lot of moments, Marlena. For all those times I made you cry, for all the times I hurt you or made you angry, I’m sorry. I guess saying those words are a lot like saying I love you. Without action, they’re simply overused phrases. But if you believe I love you, believe I am sorry. Not for any moment in particular, not for a certain day, but for all the times I didn’t say I love you or didn’t give you a kiss hello or even goodbye.
You are my life, Doc. You are the reason I get through the day, the reason I smile, the reason I laugh when nothing is funny. You’re the reason I cry because it hits me just how truly blessed I am.
You deserve someone so much better than myself, sweetheart. You deserve the Prince, the hero. You deserve the one who will never hurt you. But I do know I love you like no one else ever can and maybe, just maybe, that is enough. There’s a line I once heard in a movie. ‘You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons.’ That’s what you are to me. Never forget that.
I love you.
John
The Jarlena Journal 