I stare stupidly at the man who stands at my door holding a large wrapped package for me. Instantly a smile comes to my face… and with it a happiness that I had begun to think I would never feel again.
The past few weeks have dragged by… Alex is always by my side, never leaving me alone for a moment. He tells me it is because he thinks that John will make a play for me… but John has hardly even spoken to me for the last week. I don’t understand why that seems to bother me…
The man at the door clears his throat to catch my attention… I apologise for keeping him waiting. As usual, I have become carried away by my thoughts. He indicates for me to sign for the package and then he places it gently against the wall. I can’t believe that Alex has remembered my birthday. After the fights we have been having lately, I have been questioning my decision. The decision to stay married to Alex and to salvage a past long forgotten… It has to be better than the unrelenting persistence of John Black. That is, unrelenting up until a week ago.
I stare at the package, a curious smile etched onto my face. That’s how Alex finds me. With just a towel around his waist, he is still slightly wet from his shower. Yesterday I would have chided him for wetting the carpet, but today I am happy… he remembered my birthday. “Who was that at the door?” he demands. I know that his possessiveness this morning is just an act… he knows damn well who it was. “It was a delivery man… he left this for me…” I indicate towards the gift against the wall. “Who…?” he begins, but I stop him by stepping into his arms and placing my face against his neck. “Honey… I didn’t think you would remember… Thankyou!” I smile up at him, noticing that his arms have closed around my waist, and I place a sweet peck on his lips. “Can I open it?” I ask excitedly.
“Marlena… I have no idea what you are talking about… what did I remember?” I look up, my eyes filled with confusion, and suddenly I notice the confusion in his eyes. “You… didn’t remember…” I whisper with disappointment coating my words. “Remember what?” His demanding tone saddens me. I can’t help but feel tears
well up in my eyes… he is my husband and he didn’t even remember my birthday.
“Never mind…” I pull out of his arms and make my way towards the couch. I only glance once at the gift, the excitement of its presence gone for this moment in time.
“Marlena I want to know what you are talking about…” Alex steps towards me, his voice raised slightly. He is talking louder than should be legal at this time of the morning.
“I don’t want to get into an argument with you…” I start, my voice soft. Even as I speak I can see how I have become submissive when I am talking to him, preferring to keep the peace than defend my rights.
“And I don’t want to get into an argument with you.” He moves closer to me, grasping my arms to make me look at him. “Who is the gift from and what is it for?” he asks me roughly.“I don’t KNOW who it’s from… I thought that maybe YOU had remembered my birthday.” I feel my anger rising as I shrug his hands off me and stand. My arms are folded and I pace the room, waiting for his next remark.
I stare accusingly at him, and I see the briefest of flashes of surprise. But he recovers quickly, showing no regret whatsoever about the fact that he had forgotten. He doesn’t even wish me a happy birthday before he goes on his tirade. “Oh… then let me guess who sent it…” He storms over to the package and picks it up.
“Alex, it could have been anyone. I have a lot of friends in Salem…” I begin, but he stops me with his cynical stare. “Correction, you HAD lots of friends in Salem… now you have ME!” I can’t believe what he is saying. I can’t believe I haven’t seen this side of him before… sure we have had our arguments, but this was something else.
“Alex… just because I am married to you, it doesn’t mean I am automatically going to stop seeing the people I love.” I stand up and move over to where he is standing, my fighting spirit returning. I refuse to let him treat me like this, and I am going to make him see that.
“Does that include John Black?” he challenges, a nasty chuckle following his remark as he shakes the present in his hands. “John and I share a child. We will always be bonded by that…”
Out comes the stock standard reply to that question.
“And he’s not going to let you forget it, is he?” He indicates towards the present. “This is just another ploy to get you back,” he yells. I see his hands move towards the wrapping on my present. I know that he is right… I have a feeling that John sent
- But somehow I can’t bear for him to see it first… I need to open it myself.
“That’s MINE…” My hands are on my hips as I stick my chin out and stop him as he is about to rip it. “I will open it!”
His eyes narrow to slits and for a moment I am scared. Pushing me backwards onto the lounge, he tosses it at me, not caring that I knock my elbow on the coffee table as he did so. I bite my lip to keep from crying, and tenderly grasp the present in my trembling
hands. “So, open it!”
“I think I will do that later on…” I say softly, knowing that he will never agree to that. “What, so that you can daydream of having John here giving it to you in person?” His words make me cringe, but it’s the scorn in his voice that really shocks me. It’s almost as if he hates me.
“No, that’s not it… I just…” My voice is trembling. I am angry at myself because I know that he will feed off my fear.
“OPEN IT NOW, OR I WILL DO IT FOR YOU…” I can’t stop myself from shaking as my fingers slowly slip underneath the joins of the paper. I almost hope that it’s not from John, but somewhere deep within I am excited by what is inside.
As soon as I see the gift, my senses are assaulted by hundreds of tiny shards of this one memory. I read the enclosed note…
Marlena,
I promised that one day I would buy this for you! I never intentionally break my promises… so here it is.Happy birthday!
Love John!
****************************
“Oh John… isn’t that the most romantic painting that you’ve ever seen?” My voice sings and I can feel the happiness seeping through me as I stare into the little shop window. It’s summer and the sun shines down on John and I as we stroll through the
small country town. John brought me here on a romantic weekend getaway, and right now we are basking in the afterglow of never-ending romance. As I stare at the painting, John stands behind me, his arms closed tightly around my waist, his face
buried in my neck.
“John…” I giggle, trying to get his attention. “John, look at it.”
“All I want to look at right now is you honey!” I squirm as another open-mouthed kiss falls on my neck. “That feels so good… but John… stop for one second and LOOK!” Finally he does as I ask, raising his head long enough to look at the painting. It is Paris in the evening, lovers walking with their hands held in the foreground. “Hmmm it is pretty nice… I wonder how much it is…”“John, you don’t have to…” Before I can finish my sentence he has darted inside the shop, but he comes out moments later with
his head hung. “Honey…” I begin.
“It’s sold! I wanted to buy it for you…” I almost laugh at his seriousness. “John, I don’t need you to buy anything for me…” He places his hand on my lips to hush me. “I know, but I promise you Doc, one day, that painting will be yours.”
***************************
I don’t realise that I am smiling, my eyes glazed in romantic memory. I also don’t notice that Alex is dangerously close, and dangerously angry. He grabs the painting and the card from my hands and reads John’s message, screwing it up into a ball.
“Don’t,” I start to protest, but when he turns his gaze on me I stop immediately. “Is there something you’re not telling me, Marlena?” The way he says my name is as if I am a disease. I can only shake my head, but stupidly I reach out for the painting. I can’t begin to explain my desperation to have it out of his way. “You can’t really expect me to believe that THIS…” He throws the scrunched up note at me, and I wince in fear. “Alex please?” I beg him to stop before this scene gets out of hand. I would do anything for John to be here right now. “What, you want me to give you this…?” He points towards the painting, to which my hand is outstretched. “Why?”
“Because… it’s…” I can’t even think, and Alex comes dangerously close to my face, and sneers. “So that you can look at it before bed and dream about him at night?” I am struck by the staleness of his breath… it’s as if he is a completely different person than
the one he has been pretending to be.
“No… you’ve got it all wrong…” I start to cry, large tears that drop slowly down my cheeks.
“Then you won’t mind if I…” He lifts the painting up and smashes it down on the coffee table, shattering the glass. Jumping up I start to cry hysterically, struck by the loss of the precious gift. “Give it to me…” I scream, trying to wrestle the frame of the painting from his grasp. “It’s mine…” The next thing I know I am flying across the room, my face throbbing from his fist meeting it.
As soon as he leaves, I run to the painting, turning it over and inspecting it. I lie on the floor where it lays and continue to cry.
*****************************
A knock at the door interrupts my thoughts. I hope that if I ignore it for long enough they will go away, but the knock becomes more persistent. “Piss off… don’t come anywhere near me, Alex…” I manage to make myself sound suitably pissed off, as opposed to the sad and lonely that I really am. “Marlena…” I hear his voice and I am surprised. Immediately I find myself jumping up with an agility that I shouldn’t have and move towards the door. The way he says my name, so full of concern, makes me want to fall into his arms and let him take all of the pain away.
Instead I just stand at the door, leaning against it in defeat, knowing that if I let him in, he will see the mess that has been made of the painting… and of me. I don’t think I am ready to face that yet. “Marlena… is everything okay?” It’s as if he can sense my distress.
“John… I can’t see you right now, okay?” My voice comes out soft.
“Marlena, what’s wrong? Open the door, I want to see that you are okay…” I bite my lip, to stop myself from breaking down into tears again at his gentleness. “Please?” he begs me, sounding just as sad as I am right now.
I find myself almost giving in to his request… I want so much for him to be here with me right now. I know that I will be safe if he is here. But I glance into the mirror, glimpsing the deep purple mark that is forming on my temple, suffusing down to my cheek.
Effectively the entire left side of my face is bruised. “John, I’m fine! Please, I can’t do this right now! I just need to be alone for a while…” I think that my pleas convince him that now isn’t a good time. I hear a deep, sad sigh escape from his lips, as my head
remains pressed against the door.
“Okay, I will just leave what I came to give you at the door. Happy birthday Marlena…” His voice trails off as if cutting short what he wants to say. I feel the tears slide down my cheeks, knowing somehow that this is final.
I listen as he begins to walk away and then pull the door open a crack to retrieve the item. I am somewhat puzzled when I pick up a watch, turning it over to find an inscription from me to him. I open the scrawled note that is with it.
I love you Marlena, but I realise now that I am not in your future. Be happy… and know that I will always be here if you need me.
Happy birthday!
Love John
I can’t stop myself from clutching the watch to my heart, leaning heavily on the door as it closes again, tears cascading down my aching face. Even though I don’t remember giving him the watch, the significance of him giving it back to me is profound. Finally
he is giving up on me… and on our love. Ironic that it happens on the day when I realise that I have been wrong all along… that my decision was wrong, and that my insistence that I felt nothing for him was a lie.
“Oh god…” I break down into sobs as I sink against the door, the watch still clutched desperately at my chest.
“Marlena…” His voice is at the door again, this time more persistent. He has heard me crying. “Let me in,” he demands. Somehow the demand is not threatening like when Alex makes them of me. I feel his weight against the door. “Come on Marlena, move away from the door.” I stumble to my feet, needing his comfort, and as soon as I do so, he swings the door open, his blue eyes searching for me.
For a moment he stares at me, taking in my appearance, his face focused on the purple that is quickly becoming a throbbing lump on my cheek. Tears fill my eyes as his concern for me shines through his. Screwing up my face like a child, I move towards
him, my arms outstretched, craving the safety of his arms.
“Baby…” The term of endearment makes me cry even harder, as his arms open and I allow myself to fall into them. I lay my cheek against his chest and savour the protection as his arms enclose around me, holding me close. My tears soak his shirt and for long moments no words are spoken between us, apart from the soothing whispers of comfort that get lost in my hair. I can’t help but notice how his fingers feel as they tenderly stroke my hair, and the fire that runs through me as his breath hits the top of my head.
“Baby, tell me what happened here?” he urges softly, not wanting to push me. I can feel his face moving from mine and I assume that he has noticed the painting smashed on the floor. I step out of his arms and move over to it, kneeling beside the precious
gift. “John… I… it was an accident,” I whisper, not wanting to look at him. My fingers stroke the edges of the painting lovingly. The next thing I know, he is kneeling beside me, his hands grasping mine to stop me. Then I feel his touch on my face, urging
me to look up at him. I almost get lost in his eyes, struck by the blueness. “It doesn’t matter about the painting. Does it hurt much?” I wince as his finger gently traces my purple cheek, wiping the tears from my eyes with the pads of his thumbs. “Have you
iced it?” he continues, not needing an answer. I merely shake my head, never taking my eyes off him.
John helps me up and sits me on the lounge. He leaves the room only to return a moment later with an icepack wrapped in a towel. “Here…” Gently he places the icepack against my bruise, and I wince, moving backwards. “I’m so sorry,” he apologizes, turning my face to look at him. “Baby, you have to let me do this…” I nod, smiling gratefully at him, and close my eyes as he holds the ice against my face. I let my body fall against him, taking comfort in his presence.
I notice that I am still holding John’s watch in my hand and I hold it up. “Do you know how wrong I was?” I choke back a sob as I prepare to tell him about what happened. “He was so angry John… I tried to tell him that there was nothing between you and me… but the painting… he… he…” I look up at him tearfully, my
eyes filled with sadness.
“Shhh baby, I know… I know…” His words sooth me. “John, what if he… what if he comes back?” I take my head off his chest and gaze into his eyes, filled with fear that I will have to endure Alex’s temper again.
“Alex North will never hurt you again… not as long as I am here.” I feel the fire rush through me as his lips graze my forehead, brushing against it back and forth. “I’m sorry…” he apologises, pulling away and standing up from our embrace on the couch. “I
promised you that I would let you go…” I watch as his head hangs, the misery flowing through him. I can now see what my rejection has done to him. I hold the ice to my face, watching John as he cleans the glass that adorns the floor. “Thankyou John… when I opened it, I remembered that day… the day that you promised to buy it for me. I remembered feeling so happy and safe and secure in your love…” I stand up, discarding the icepack and moving towards him. I lay my hand on his arm, drawing his full attention to me. “I was so wrong to choose Alex… I should have listened to you…” He stops me with a insistent shake of his head. “You couldn’t have known Marlena… I’m just glad that that bastard didn’t hurt you more.” He smiles wanly at me and traces
my bruise with his index finger.
“John…” I can’t help but close my eyes at the love that suddenly flows through me. “I want you to take this back… it’s yours…” I hold the watch up to him, pleading with him to take it.
“Not anymore…”
“John… please? I know that I might be asking the impossible, but if there is any way that you could find it in yourself to forgive me, and to take me back, I promise that I will never hurt you again…” I smile as tears fill my eyes. I want so much for him to trust me
again. But his mouth remains fixed in a straight line. “Marlena…” His voice is wary.
Now I know that it is too late. “No John… I understand completely. I would probably do the same thing…” I trail off, turning my face away from him so that he won’t see the slow tears of sadness.
“Marlena…” His hands reach for my face and I turn to look at him. A radiant smile covers his face. “I have waited so long to hear you say those words baby. I will always love you.” My sobs mix with laughter as I fall into his embrace, knowing that finally I
am where I belong. I tilt my face up and I gaze at his lips, anticipating the feeling of their softness mingling with mine. Without waiting for him to make the first move, I throw my arms around John’s neck and press my lips to his gently. When I pull away, he has turned serious again, and suddenly we are kissing again, this time our tongues dancing tenderly. I am vaguely aware of my thoughts… of how I have been missing out on this feeling of completeness, and wishing that this moment will never end. I feel his fingers moving delicately through my hair as he presses my lips closer to him, and my hands are moving across the back of his neck. Finally he pulls back from me, holding my face gently between his hands, being careful not to touch my bruise. He leans in and kisses my forehead. “Happy birthday Marlena…” he whispers, bringing me into his embrace. Then with his lips on my ears he tells me the words that I have been longing to hear. “I love you.” I smile happily, nuzzling my face into his neck. “I love you too John… thankyou!”
He brings me down on the couch to sit on his lap, pressing the icepack back up against my face. “You are so beautiful, even with your face black and blue…” he says. I smile and rest my head against his strong chest, gazing down at the painting that allowed this event to take place. As my senses are assaulted by the strong scent of his masculine cologne, I let my eyes drift close contentedly. I can almost imagine the lovers in Paris strolling towards the soft lights… placing myself and John in their positions as we get lost in the romance that is before us.
The Jarlena Journal 