I remember the rain on the roof that morning
And all the things I wanted to say…
Marlena stood in stunned silence. Her ears burned red hot as she pondered the facts she’d just heard. John and Hope hadn’t heard her come in, for that fact, John hadn’t expected her home this early. She was so excited to be able to surprise HIM for once. She dreamed up so many scenarios of what her surprise might bring, and all the love they shared. All the beautiful things they would say to each other, and all the time they had missed since this boring conference. She never planned to walk into this. Her mind raced to come up with contradictions to the conversation she was hearing. John and Hope were intimate together…. No maybe she was just hearing wrong. They could be talking about any number of things. It just couldn’t be! Marlena watched as John rubbed his chest, something he did when he was conflicted. Come to think of it, he had been doing that very often lately, and especially around Hope. He softly and tearfully asked, no pleaded, for Hope to forget about this and put it behind her, and let everyone be happy. Then, Hope said the words that tore Marlena’s heart out and shredded her soul.
“… But you could be Mac’s father!” Marlena felt a huge weight crash upon her very soul. Her eyes clouded with tears and her chest tightened. Then the rain started, slow and even at first and then torrential and out of control, just like her world at that moment. Then came the bolt of lightning that sent John and Hope running into the house, and into a whole new world.
Marlena could do nothing but stand there, her briefcase busted open, and papers scattered on the floor. Her hands, clutched in fists, resting against her head. John immediately went towards his wife, thinking the thunder had scared her. He was overjoyed to see her after her weeklong conference.
“Doc, baby, you’re home!” He rushed up to her, wanting to hold her and wipe out any memory of the conversation he’d just had.
It was then he realized she was crying and at that moment he knew, and it felt like a kick to the chest with a steel-toed boot. He let the air out of his lungs and moved closer to her. Her body heaved with great sobs, her fists still pounding her head, as if she were trying to get this out of her head.
“Marlena, honey, what’s wrong?” John asked almost not wanting to know. She took her hands from her face, and John gasped as he saw her. It was a face John didn’t recognize. A new look had come about her, and it scared him. But what scared him the most was that there were no more sobs, tears were still flowing, but in silence. The soft amber eyes now had a heated coal hue to them. John’s eyes rolled back in his head as he came to the stunning realization… She knew.
————————————————————————
And all the angry words that came
From nowhere without warning
That stole the moment and sent me away…
“What’s wrong? Oh gee, lemme see…hmmm. ” She eyed the ceiling, trying to make it as sarcastic as she could before she totally let him have it. Hope shifted uncomfortably and started towards the door. Marlena caught her with her eye and met her before she could make it outside.
“Oh no you don’t! I wanna know all of it. And you WILL tell me NOW!!” She hit the door closed with her fist to emphasize her point. Hope was startled, as she stumbled back to the stairs. She hadn’t seen Marlena like this, and her heart was sickened by the fact that she was the reason Marlena was so torn up.
“M-m-marlena, I can explain everything… I-I-I…” “Oh come now Hope explain this to me! Explain why you think MY husband could be the father of YOUR baby!” Marlena’s eyes pierced right through to Hope’s soul, and she found it very hard to speak.
“Marlena, I have been having memories of the time when I was Princess Gina…”
“AND…” Marlena shifted her weight to one leg and crossed her arms in front of her. Hope moved away from her unconsciously, hoping to deaden the pain she was about to inflict on this woman.
“I didn’t know if any of them were true, so I came over here to John to see if one in particular was true…” John flinched at the sound of his name and began to rub that spot on his chest again, which didn’t go unnoticed by Marlena.
“Go on.” Marlena’s words were unfeeling and calculated. Her eyes batted to try to keep the tears that threatened to wave over her lashes at bay.
“Well, I remembered John and I being on a boat- a submarine. And….” Hope looked up towards the heavens as if she were wishing for divine help. When she saw she wasn’t to receive any, she swallowed hard and gulped for air.
“Oh God, Marlena, I don’t’ know how it happened, but John and I had….”
Marlena put her hand up to stop Hope from going any further. That was all she needed to hear. Tears broke free from Hope’s eyes and fell in huge globs to the floor. John put his hand to his chin and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to banish what had just conspired. Marlena stood there, the tears that she had so stoically tried to squelch, now fell at will down her face. Yet, her face stayed exactly the same, there was no emotion, no feeling, just a face that was ‘there.’ Marlena closed her eyes and tried to remove the remaining tears that clouded her vision. She took a deep, long breath. “What in the hell do you mean Hope… you don’t know how it happened? You just don’t get up in the morning and say ‘Whoops, I slept with Marlena’s husband; guess I will forget about that for a while.’ How convenient for you… for the BOTH of you.” The words hissed out of her mouth with deadly poison. Then as a clap of thunder barreled through the house, Marlena realized just when this occurred.
“Oh my Lord, oh my…” She clutched her heart as she felt herself start to breakdown again. John ran to her side, as she kneeled down trying to catch her breath.
“Doc, Doc! Are you okay? Come on say something! Marlena, honey, are you okay?” Finally, the words registered, and she finally looked John in the eyes, her own eyes engulfed by salty tears. “John….” She grabbed his hands and held them tight, causing a slight smile to overcome John’s face.
“What Marlena, just tell me.”
“Get away from me!” She screamed it with all of her might and jumped to her feet. ” You complete…. How could you! How could you be with her and on OUR honeymoon…AHHH How could you do this to ME, John!”
She brought her fists to her heart and pounded them there, as if to make it well known that this was where she hurt the most. John raised himself up, wringing his hands.
“I don’t know! All I know is that I would never EVER consciously have slept with Hope… it’s almost incestuous, for crying out loud! You have to believe me, Doc!” John stretched his arms out to take her, and she violently pushed him away. Seeing Hope on the stair now, she brushed past him.
Coldly she eyed Hope. Flinging a hair away from her eye, she took in a long deep breath and prepared for the worst. “Hope, I want you to tell me everything and I mean EVERYTHING!” The sound of her own voice scared Marlena, but she had little care for that now. She had to know.
“Marlena, what John says is true. While I thought I was Princess Gina, I kidnapped John and essentially reprogrammed him to believe it was 1985, and that he was in love with Princess Gina. Marlena you have to know that I would never do this under my own will!” Hope broke from her stance and covered Marlena’s arms with her hands to signify that she was heartfelt. “I would never do anything to hurt you! You have to believe that.”
Hope’s eyes searched for any spark of forgiveness from Marlena’s eyes. She saw that recognition for a moment and then just as fast it was gone. Marlena brushed Hope’s arms away and walked over to stand halfway in between Hope and John.
“Okay, so now what you are saying is that you, Hope, were brainwashed to be Princess Gina and you took my husband from OUR honeymoon and brainwashed him to be with you? I just wanna be really clear of this.” Marlena had taken such a sour and sadistic tone it curdled the air around her. John ran his hand through his hair and prepared to utter the words that they had all heard so many times before.
“Doc, we were all just pawns in… Stefano’s little game.”
She finished the sentence for him. “Oh yes, John I am seeing that is all true, no denying it. But….” Her eyes widened and her fingers tapped nervously on her teeth, “Where in Stefano’s ‘little game’ did it say LIE TO YOU WIFE! Because I think I missed that part in the rulebook!”
John’s eyes narrowed and his brow knitted. “Wha…”
“Oh John,” Marlena let out a breath of air and turned her head to the side, exasperated. “I am not dumb! I may not have figured this one out right off the bat…. Who would have EVER thought about the two of you! I’ve been placing the pieces together. You’ve known at least since December! Everything adds up now!”
————————————————————————
And you standing there in the doorway crying
And me wonderin’ if I’d ever be back
She kept going walking around the couch to be near him. She was standing in front of him now. Her eyes staring directly into his.
“You lied to me. The one thing we said we’d never do and you’ve been doing it to me for over a year now! You make me sick!” Her eyes narrowed and she turned on her heel to leave. John grabbed her arm and swung her around back towards him.
“Where are you going?” Marlena turned her head from him, blinking away the tears that were plunging forward.
“John, just let me go.” She pulled on her arms to be let free. John held on tighter hoping the tighter he held, the faster she would forgive him.
“John, let… me… go.” She yanked hard, causing John to fall forward. At first she felt remorse, but then she jumped out of his grasp and went toward the door, grabbing her jacket, purse, and keys. She had to leave before he got to her. She needed to stay mad for a while, it was due her. Turning she saw John behind her in the doorway, sobs breaking into the quiet air. Her heart broke as she saw him stand there, obviously in tremendous pain, but she hurt too and she was going to let him feel it for a while. She didn’t know when or if she’d be back, but now she needed time. She punched the button on the elevator time and time again, knowing it could be supersonic and still not get there fast enough. She closed her eyes and listened to the heart wrenching sounds that John was making, begging her not to go, to stay and work it out. She knew if she turned around and saw him she would go back and forgive everyone, as was her nature to do. But her nature had hurt her one too many times. It was time to let her mind rule her heart for a time or two. She didn’t know what was to become of her, but she wasn’t going to stay here and face them.
She stepped in the elevator and punched the floor button. She turned to see John leaning against the doorway for strength, as he cried for his ‘Doc.’ She brought her hand to her mouth and muffled her cries until the door closed and then all defenses broke down and she knew this was going to be a long road home…
————————————————————————
I didn’t come here to leave you
I didn’t come here to lose
I didn’t come here believin’ I would ever be away from you
I didn’t come here to find out, there’s a weakness in my faith
I was brought here by the power of love, love by grace
Marlena dragged herself out of the elevator, feeling beaten and defeated This morning had not turned out as she had dreamed at all. Her romantic fairytale had turned into a rabid nightmare, so quickly she still couldn’t comprehend it. She had so wanted to be in his arms tonight, and still did.
This was the LAST thing in the world she would have ever expected.
“I know John and Hope were just victims, but it doesn’t change the facts I don’t know what to do now!” She laid her head on the car, letting it’s coolness wash over her. Her hand gripped the door handle, but she did not pull the door open. Her mind played the words she had said to John over and over again…
“You lied to me…. You make me sick!” She saw his heartbroken face as she left, that would be in her mind forever.
“I have to leave here, I gotta get this clear.”
Marlena pulled the car door open and flopped in the front seat. Letting a long held breath out, she slipped the key into the ignition and let the slow hum of the motor drown out her choking sobs. She put the car into drive and slowly pulled out of the parking garage, not really wanting to leave, but needing to leave for her hearts well being. She glance up towards the balcony of her home, and saw him. The lights were coming out from the living room, and made a golden halo around his dejected form. Marlena wiped her eyes and cast her gaze to the road. Now only time would tell.
————————————————————————
And I remember the road just went on forever,
Just couldn’t seem to turn that car around
Marlena’s eyes burned from the tears that she’d shed for John and her. She had just driven and driven, not caring where she went, just putting as much mileage in between her and the rotten news she’d just received. It made Marlena wonder why on earth she was doing this, it just wasn’t like her.
“Well, none of this is like anything any one of us would do.” She sighed and turned her full attention back to the darkening road before her.
John was still reeling from the events that conspired tonight. “What am I gonna do now?” He put hi head in his hands and leaned onto the railing of the balcony. He felt hands on his back and turned, expecting Marlena to be there, her compassionate eyes shining with forgiveness. Instead he saw Hope, her eyes drowning with regret.
“John, I am so ashamed of what I did…if you and Marlena split up over…”
John put his hands up to stop her from revealing the inevitable.
“Hope, what happened happened. I don’t’ blame you, I know you were not yourself.” Hope walked into the house and leaned against the couch.
“John, how can you NOT blame me? I’ve ruined your life. If I just would have told someone about my memories when they started coming back, maybe all of this could have been avoided.” Hope still tried to comprehend what it was she had done.
“I could say the exact same things about my self. I lied to Marlena way before we were married. I was having my memories and maybe if I had been open and honest with her, I wouldn’t be in this mess. You and Bo would be happy and Marlena and I would be blissful! I just don’t’ know how to live without her! John buried his face in his hands, a mixture of frustration, sadness, and embarrassment.
“John, I think I should leave now. You will never know how sorry I am.”
Hope started to leave when John caught her hand and turned her around.
“Hope, I think there’s something you really need to know.”
————————————————————————
Till in the distance, like a long lost treasure
The phone booth that just could not be found
Marlena had no idea where she was now. She drove in a straight line, going and going. With each mile she thought more and her heart was beginning to heal and try to overtake her minds control over her. It was dark now, and yet she still drove, not knowing what she was looking for, not knowing how she felt. She noticed that the luminous stars of the country, now had over taken the bright lights of the city. Hardly anything was present out here.
Just then, a sense of peacefulness washed over her. She pulled the car over and turned the engine off. She marveled at the sounds she heard- soft crickets, katydids singing in harmonious ebbs, frogs croaking a tender song.
She got out of the car and leaned against the closed door, inhaling the clean summer air. With each breath, her soul was beginning to come to mend.
“Marlena, what do you need to do now?” Her eyes focused in on the stars above. She stood there for what seemed forever and just soaked in the serenity. She crawled to the hood of the car, drawing her knees to her chest. She was calm now and could really think of what she needed to do.
She knew John would never knowingly hurt her like this, as she knew the same for Hope.
“But why didn’t he tell me. I would have forgiven him. We could have made it through this. Now, I just don’t’ really know for sure.” She wrapped her arms about her knees and stared off into the distance praying God would ease her heart and give her some sort of sign. She looked toward the heavens and saw a star fall from its home and shoot across the sky with sheer brilliance. Her eyes followed it until it burned out from her vision.
There, at the point of disappearance, was a phone booth.
“Maybe I should call home and make sure everything is okay.” Her heart was coming into the lead and her mind was falling behind willingly. She swung the car door open and jumped into the front seat, her heart beating fast, though she didn’t know just why.
John looked at Hope and quickly moved away to the pictures of his family He didn’t know how to tell her this, but he had to start coming clean with everything in his life if he wanted to have any remote chance with Marlena.
“Hope, I know you are just now remembering all that happened as Princess Gina. I really need to tell you all I know. I’ve known about this… what the hell do you call what happened to us? Anyway, I’ve remembered it for a while and I just thought it was better for everyone if you never remembered and I just forgot about it.” John hung his head in shame for telling her what he was about to tell her. Hope walked closer, not wanting to hear what was coming next.
“I went to Stefano and wanted him to help me…. I wanted him to do something to help you not remember! Oh Hope, I just am so sorry, but everything was riding on your memory, and I just couldn’t take that chance.”
Hope dropped to the sofa and tried to enable her mind to take in all John had just said.
“I can’t believe this…. I-I-I… She was too furious for words.
“Hope, believe me when I say that I never would have let him hurt you, I just thought it was better to have you not remember! But, I stopped him after the baby was born. I just couldn’t do that. I’m sorry to have to tell you this.”
“John, I just cannot believe this! How could you even think of doing that to me? Hope cried for what seemed to be the millionth time today. She had ruined a couple’s life and now her world was crumbling.
“That’s not all. I secretly had tests run to see who the father of your baby was… John rubbed his chest and looked skyward and prepared to tell her the truth. Taking in a breath he started but was abruptly stopped by the ringing of the phone.
“Hello?”
————————————————————————
Marlena slowly dialed the number to her home, her fingers numbly fumbling around the keypad. Her heart felt as if it was about to beat out of her chest. The phone rang twice and Marlena slammed the phone down.
“Why am I doing this? Why does he have this hold over me? He’s betrayed me, broke my heart and faith! Why am I doing this?” Her eyes began to tear out of frustration. Then just as quick as a heartbeat she knew why… She was still in love with him. She had already had two divorces because of infidelity, this time it was different. John’s heart was like the perfect half to her heart. He was made solely for her; his mind, body, and soul a perfect match to hers. She knew in her heart that he was the only one who could make her totally happy. For once in her life she was going to hang on and not let go.
“But he lied to you!” Her mind screamed at her.
“But he did it because he loves you and didn’t want to lose you!” Her heart tried to reason with her. As her conscience and emotion fought their battle, Marlena decided to end it peacefully in the middle. She would go back to John, but make it painfully clear that he had an enormous amount to do before he would win her back. Her love was a given, but the main thing here was something she never knew if he could conquer- winning back her trust. She picked up the phone and dialed again, her heart and soul were at ease and she was stronger than she’d been before. The phone rang and Marlena looked heavenward hoping the dear Lord would help her keep her strength when faced with John’s voice.
John picked up the phone, hearing only a dial tone. He’d so hoped it was Marlena, he didn’t care what she would say, just to hear her voice again would mean the entire world to him he sighed and hung the phone up, his stance taking a dejected form again. Hope was waiting for him to tell her the rest of the truth.
“Well, are you going to tell me what else you’ve done? I think I need to know.”
“Okay, I had blood tests run and I know who the father of your baby is.”
John had a slight uncomfortable smile on his face. “Hope, I am…” The phone split the air once again. John raced to it, leaving Hope to contemplate what he’d just said.
“Hello?”
“John, it’s Marlena.” John gripped the phone tightly with all the love he felt for this woman.
“Doc! Oh you don’t know how much I needed to hear your voice!” John’s face burst into a smile that only Marlena could bring to his face. “Where are you? I can come and get you!”
“No, John. I am coming home but I don’t want you to come and get me.”
“Doc…” John was cut off abruptly by Marlena’s sharp tone.
“John, I said NO! If you want us to work ANY of this out, you need to let me make my own decisions and quit lying to me! Now, when I get home, I want you to tell me everything you remember. This is NOT an overnight fix… I’m not even sure if it is fixable.” Marlena pulled her hand through her hair and leaned against the glass of the phone booth. It had begun to rain again, the drops making patterns on the glass.
Marlena traced hem before her, trying hard not to let her eyes fill up.
“Doc, do whatever you want o do, but please come home. We will talk, I will tell you EVERYTHING.” John gritted his teeth in anticipation of this talk.
“Ok, I’m on my way home.”
“I will be waiting for you, Doc. I love you.” He knew she was still on the line and listening, he had heard the catch in her voice.
“Good bye John. I will be home soon.” She hung up the phone, letting her hand linger on it fro just a moment, connecting with him before she started her long trek home. Lighting flashed and thunder rolled in barrels over the sky.
“Oh well it’s now or never.” Marlena ran to the car and jumped in. The short distance had not saved her from the torrential downpour that enveloped the sky. She shook her hair and checked her face in the rearview mirror.
“Woo, Marlena, not winning any contest tonight.” She pulled her wet hair from her face, and put the car into drive.
John held the phone to his chest for a moment before turning around to hang it up. By some good grace of God, she was coming home to him. He knew she was mad, but his was a step forward. He was going to tell her everything from mercenary man to Gina… this was it. John’s thoughts were interrupted by Hope’s voice.
“John, was that Marlena?” John nodded his head ‘yes’ and sat down across from her. “You’re going to tell her all of this? Again John replied ‘yes.’
“Are you gonna tell her you’re my Mac’s father?” Hope’s chin trembled with great anxiety. John bolted up.
“Hope, I am not Mac’s dad. Bo is.”
“John, I know that Bo is his daddy, but you just told me that you had test run and they revealed YOU are Mac’s biological father!” Hope leaned forward and grasped her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably.
“Hope, I am so sorry! I didn’t finish what I was going to say…I was going to say that I am NOT Mac’s father! Tests proved that Bo is the father of that baby!” Hope’s eyes looked at John, questioning what he just told her. John smiled and nodded ‘yes.’
“Oh, John…Thank you! Thank you!” She jumped up and went to the door, thinking about the conversation she was going to have with Bo, but at least she could tell him that he was Mac’s real daddy.
“Good luck, John.” She turned to go and prayed that they all would be okay. John heard the door click shut and he prepared himself for the longest wait in his life.
————————————————————————
And you standin’ there in the doorway waiting…
Marlena got out of the car and shook her hair out, which was surprisingly still damp. She absentmindedly tried to fix herself up, as she always did before seeing John. She combed her fingers through her hair, stopping halfway througha curl, realizing what she was doing. Sighing, she knew that it didn’t matter what she looked like.
“I will just end up looking worse after all of this.” She walked slowly to the elevator, wanting to delay this conversation aslong as possible. She pushed the button and crossed her arms over her chest. She eyed each number as it lit up, her heart beating faster with thecountdown. The door opened and she stepped inside hitting the button to take her home. She sucked in a breath and listened to the music.
“Unchained Melody” made its harmonious strains weep through the elevator’s space. She smiled, as she remembered their wedding day. It was perfect and she knew she’d never be happier than she was on that day. All her dreams came true and she was actually living the fairytale she’d heard about as a little girl. Her eyes began to mist as she remembered him; how he looked, how he smelt, how he felt in her arms, how he looked at her. Her memories were snapped out of their dreamland by the elevator’s bell, announcing her arrival at home. She gently brushed away the tears that streaked down her face, and stepped out of the elevator, looking in her purse for the keys to the penthouse. She looked up and was startled for a moment.
“John!” She dropped her purse on the floor, spilling the contents on the ground. She hurriedly kneeled down to retrieve the items, not realizing John had already made his move from the door to her side. She reached for her date book and the photos contained within it fell out as she pulled it to her. Her hands were busy trying to gather everything and they were jolted into reality when they touched John’s. As if stung by a bee, Marlena pulled her hand back, balling it into a fist.
“John…” She started to say something, but was lost in his eyes. There was so much pain, so much remorse. Marlena shook her head from side to side. “No, I can’t let him do this to me! I’ve got to be strong!” She smiled wanly at him, as he placed the last of her items in her purse and stood up with it still in his hand. She was still kneeling down, balancing on the balls of her feet. John reached down and pulled her up by her hand, causing Marlena to become unbalanced. She fell against him, their eyes meeting in a whirlwind of resentment, passion, pain and undying love. John held her there for a moment, the electricity sparking off them creating much heat. She couldn’t tear herself away this time. She found herself breathing rapidly, as did John. He still had a grip on her hand, fearing if he let go, she’d disappear. He bent his head down and whispered her name, as he came dangerously close to her lips. Marlena reached up blindly and sought out his kiss.
“Oh, Marlena…” She snapped back into reality and pushed away from him, before they could seal their fate.
“No, John! That’s not going to work, not this time!” She grabbed her purse from his hand and walked past him. John fell against the wall, frustrated and regretful. Pulling his hands through his hair, and resting them on his neck, he looked toward her in the living room. She was waiting for the truth and whatever it did to them he was going to tell her everything. John walked in the door and gently shut it behind him. He walked over to the love seat and sat across from her.
“Oh,Lord, how am I gonna tell her all of this? Please, give me the strength I need to tell her the whole truth. But most importantly, give her back to me.” John reached out and took Marlena’s hand, she didn’t move this time allowing him to take the power he needed from her.
“Okay, John. You have my undivided attention. Now, tell me all of it. If we ever want to have a future, we need to deal with the past.” Marlena paused at the ironic nature of her last statement. She’d been the one telling John to live in the moment, not in the past. John caught the irony and had to smile. He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it, not catching the impact it had on Marlena.
“Okay, you deserve the whole truth and I’m going to tell you everything.” John and Marlena’s eyes locked on each other, not knowing what was going to happen and hoping it could be any other way than this.
Marlena cleared her voice and spoke. “Here’s your chance, start from the beginning.”
————————————————————————
And the moment we lay back down…
Marlena and John talked for what seemed like days. John told her everything he remembered, everything he’d done and everything he feared. Marlena made sure she kept her distance and let him spill it all out into the open. He had come to the point of extracting the truth that would hurt her most… their honeymoon. John got up, not wanting to see her face as he revealed his horrible secret.
“John, there’s more to tell. I need to hear all of it.” She knew she was lying to herself, but they needed all of it out in the air. She rose up off of the couch and walked over to John. She swallowed hard and reached up to touch his shoulder and to turn him to her. Her hand was stopped in mid air, just short of his arm. He grabbed her and crushed her to him. Marlena started to fight the embrace, but feeling him so close and so vulnerable, she put her arms around him and let him feel her support.
Tears fell from John’s wounded eyes into Marlena’s hair. The harder he held her, the more he felt as though time could stand still and everything was okay. Marlena turned her face up to John’s and placed her hands on the sides of his face, wiping away the tears that had creviced down his face.
“John, you’ve got to tell me. If there is ANY chance for us, then you need to be completely honest with me.” Marlena’s heart was beginning to soften, so she stepped out of his embrace and walked out to the balcony. Outside, she let the cool summer night airfloat over her, getting rid of the sensations she’d had being to close to him. John walked out behind her, just standing beside her. Neither made eye contact with the other, just staring helplessly out over Salem.
“Marlena, do you want to do this tonight? It’s late and were both so tired. Can’t we just finish this in the morning?” John’s voice was haggard and beaten.
“John, we have to get this out all at once.” Marlena turned to look at John. She felt her eyes begin to haze with tears. He looked so dejected, so hurt, so ashamed. She knew this was going to be the hardest part of all the truth.
“Doc, I want to tell you, but…” John looked up toward the stars, his eyes dripping with tears. Marlena took him by the shoulders and turned him toward her. He turned his head away from her, too ashamed to face her.
“John, look at me!” Marlena shook him to make him face her. John’s eyes found hers andvwere immediately locked. “John, you’vegot to tell me! We can handle this! We’ve got to be open and honest, no matter how much it hurts!” Marlena’s grip increased with each word, and tears fell in droves down her face. She made no attempt to wipe them away. John reached up and was about to stroke her face, when she stopped him. Her voice was now choking with sobs. “WE wouldn’t be here now if you would have just been honest with me!” She was at her breaking point and her heart could handle nomore. “Why did you do this to us? Why did you lie to me! I begged you on more than one occasion to be honest with me! Why, John?” She was screaming and crying with an uncontrollable rage. John felt like he had been kicked in the chest, his heartbeing gripped in a vice of fear.
Reaching out, he took Marlena into his strong arms, holding her tightly to his chest, her body heaving with sobs. She allowed him to hold her, if only for the fact that she didn’t have the strength to fight him now. John walked them over to the sofa and gently pulled her down to lie beside him. She melded right into hisside, as if she were made to fit into him. She laid her head on his chest, still crying with all the pain that was in her heart. John wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her, letting her work out her frustrations through the tears that now soaked his shirt. John hated himself for making her cry so hard, for doing this to her. He would fix it; he would see to it that it would be better. For right now though, this was the best help for both of them.
————————————————————————
I didn’t come here to leave you
I didn’t come here to lose
I didn’t come here believin’ I would ever be away from you
I didn’t come here to find out, there’s a weakness in my faith
I was brought hereby the power of love, love by grace
Marlena’s sobs had subsided and her breathing was semi-normal, with the exception of the catching sniffle that broke the silence. She had fallen asleep on John’s chest, his heart beating a lullaby to her. John stroked her hair from her face, just now realizing that it was curly and disheveled.
“Oh, Doc. What are we going to do? I’m so very sorry; you will never know how much I regret that any of this happened. But the part I hate the most is lying to you. It’s like we’re caught upin some storyline written by some horrid writer. I promise you, I will from this moment and forever, be faithful and honest to you.” John leaned down and kissed the top of herhead. Marlena looked straight ahead, not moving a muscle, just listening to him. She knew that he meant every word. Her eyes began to cloud again and she blinked several times, trying to keep them at bay. John’s lips were still resting on her head. He just savored having her this close, feeling her body beside his. “I just love you so much!” John kissed her head again and laid his cheek against her hair.
“John, I love you too.” John was startled out of his blissful stupor by her tender voice. She rolled over on top of him, crossing her arms over his chest and placing her chin on top of her hands, face to face with him. Her eyes were beginning to soften and become more alert. “John, we can get through his, but you have to know that you must work to regain my trust. We can’t go back to where we were before right away. It’s going to take a while, but I know you love me, and you know that Icouldn’t possibly live without you. It’s going to take time and we have to learn everything all over again. “John wrapped his arms around her, as did Marlena to him, letting her head rest on his chest. John mouthed a grateful ‘thank you’ to God, and his head fell on top of hers, and they lie there grateful to have this moment, no longer worrying what the truth would bring tomorrow. They had regained that bond that love that God had made for only them and for each other. It would take time and time was all that they had now. John smiled as he thought about these things.
“We’ll make it, Doc. You’ll see! I’m going to do everything right.” Marlena, who had long since fallen asleep, snuggled into his chest, letting her head fall onto his neck. John sighed at the warm breath on his neck. He placed his hand on her neck, holding her with all the love he felt. Falling into sleep as well, he searched for the words to tell her and knew as long as he told her the truth; all would be right with the world. With that thought, his world faded to black and all that was present was the feel of their hearts beating in perfect rhyme.
————————————————————————
That was just a moment in time
And one we’ll never forget…
Six months had passed since that night that everything had unraveled. John and Marlena had worked hard to regain what they had before this nightmare came to the fore front. Now, things were better, but still an underlying current of question still remained. Marlena tried with all her might to fight the feelings of distrust she had for John at times. With each passing day, it got better. He told her EVERYTHING, from his day’s events, to some memory that crept into his mind. John was openand as honest as anyone could possibly be, inside he felt a freedom that was unsurpassed. But a nagging feeling ate at him when he would catch Marlena staring at him. Marlena was doing just that, her eyes boring a hole in his soul. She just couldn’t get that last bit of resentment out of her heart. Before she knew it, John was meeting her gaze.
“Hey Doc, what’s up?” Marlena jumped at the sound of his voice.
“Nothing John, why do you ask?” She questioned him, moving to take the breakfast dishes to the kitchen. John took her hands and removed the dishes from them.
“Doc, you need to talk to me. You can’t keep pushing me away. Look at what happened when I did that to you!” Marlena turned her head to the side averting his gaze.
“John, there is nothing wro…”
“Marlena, you are lying to me! Please before this gets out of hand, tell me!”
Marlena took a breath and then faced John, a fake smile plastered to her face. “I just am still having some…” Her eyes began to mist and her lip trembled. “… feelingsof distrust. I’m so very sorry! But I said that this would take time.” John took her head in his hands and pulled her into an embrace.
“Doc, how can we get past all of this?” John pulled her from him and looked into her eyes. “You have to tell me what to do! I will do anything to make you feel secure and safe again! You just tell me what you need from me, and I will move heaven and earth to do it, or I will give my life trying!” Marlena looked into John’s eyes and found that they were full of fierce determination and brimming with what she’d needed to see the most… the truth. She reached up and took his hands from her face, kissing each of his palms, as she brought them behind her. He clasped his hand just at the small of her back, letting her make the moves. She leaned into his arms and locked her arms at the back of his neck. Her eyes had a totally different hue and emotion.
“John, I trust you with EVERYTHING! My life, my heart, my soul!” Marlena played with the back of his hair getting close ran closer with each word. “John, I am completely and profoundly in love with you and…” John silenced her by pulling his arms toward him, crushing her to him.
“Marlena, what are you trying to say?” His face was mere inches from hers and his eyes stared deep into hers.
“I think that we are getting close to being back where we first started from.” She leaned forward and closed her eyes to allow him to kiss her. John smiled and quickly let go, slipping out of her grasp. Marlena fell forward and grabbed his hand to stabilize herself.
“John! Where are you going?” John kissed her hand and moved away from herto the tray with the tea on it.
“Nothing. I just don’t think we are back to where we started.” Marlena’s eyes widened with question.
“What do you mean?” John put down his tea and sat on the couch. He reached up and pulled her onto his lap.
“I mean, I have never loved you in such a way as I do now. I will never take any moment with you for granted again!” John began to kiss her neck and down her shoulder. Marlena giggled and slipped off of his lap to stand on the floor. She stood there for a moment, not wanting this euphoria to end. John stood eye to eye with her and brought her to him with one swift move. Marlena’s breath caught in her throat as she felt her feet fly out fro underneath her. John just held her at his side, her feet inches off the floor. Marlena’s eyes were wide and anticipating, meeting John’s passion filled ones. It had been so long since they’d been together, with John sleeping on the couch, and Marlena taking the bed.
“Doc, are you sure you want this?” Marlena answered him with a fierce kiss that shattered John’s hold on her. She jumped into his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist, her arms clasping around his neck. The finally broke the kiss, both breathless, but wanting and needing each other right here and now.
“John, I have never been so certain of anything in my entire life!” John leaned her back and started to move to the couch. Marlena stopped him, standing upright. “No, we are gonna start this out right!” She smiled seductively and took John’s hand as she walked slowly up the stairs, neither one of them wanting to rush any of this.
————————————————————————
But one we can leave behind
‘Cause when there is doubt
You’ll remember I said…
John followed Marlena into the bedroom. Nothing was different about the room; nothing made up to be special. But to them this was the most spectacular of rooms. Any room that they were in together was brilliant. Marlena pulled John to her and kissed him with all the passion and love she’d been missing in these past months. John reluctantly pushed her from him and stared into her face. She was knocked out of her euphoric stupor and slowly opened her eyes. John looked at her with a look that exposed his desire and outright lust for her. Marlena smiled brightly with the knowledge that she till had this kind of power over him.
“Well, Mr. Black, what happens now?”
“Well if you don’t know, Mrs. Black, then I guess I will just have to show you!” Marlena’s smile mixed dangerously with a touch of mischievous gleam. John leaned forward to envelope her in a kiss, Marlena hopped just out of his reach, turning her back on him to flip the radio on. The haunting strains of Wynonna’s ‘Love by Grace’ floated through the room. Marlena’s mind went back to that time six months ago and how much they’d accomplished in such a short period of time. She chuckled to herself. “Short period of time… this has been anything but short!” Her thoughts were brought back to the present by John’s hands reaching around her waist. John kissed her bare shoulders, making his way down her arm. Grabbing her wrist he turned her arms face up and began the ascent back up, pausing at her wrist to inhale the sweet lilac scent that was her perfume. He reached her shoulder and began to place feather light kisses across her back. She took in a sharp breath and leaned into him, grabbing hold of his thighs for stability. John reached down and held her arm out to repeat the pattern across her other arm. Marlena laughed as he came back to her neck and began to blow softly in her hair. She reached up behind her and wrapped her arm around his neck.
“John…” Marlena started to turn around when she found his hands gently move to the buttons on her shirt. Still kissing her neck and beyond, John deftly opened each button. Finally, coming to the last button, Marlena stopped him by turning in his arms. John began to remove the cumbersome item, and Marlena shooed his hands away.
“Uh, No… turn about is fair play after all.” She playfully winked at him and pulled herself up to him; placing angel kisses along his jaw and down his neck. John sighed in complete and utter happiness as Marlena’s hands fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. She began to make noises of frustration, breaking her gaze with John to concentrate on the stubborn buttons. “Oh what the hell!” She grabbed two handfuls of shirt and yanked as hard as she could, sending buttons flying across the floor.
“Well, I guess we can tell who’s the impatient one here now, can’t we?” John smiled as he let her take his shirt off. “Now I do seem to recall you saying something about fair play.” Johnlunged at her. She slipped out of his grasp.
“Well, lemme see if I can make this game a little bit more… fair.” She took her shirt off and popped it on John’s head. A hearty laugh ripped from her lungs and she doubled over in laughter, as John just stood there motionless, with her shirt hanging over his head, leaving one eye to peerout.
“Okay, Doc. Now you’ve had it!” He tore the shirt from his head and caught Marlena by the waist, as she turned to try and escape his ‘wrath’. John pulled her around and threw her on thebed, pinning her body beneath his. “Aww, what’s wrong Doc? Can’t you move? Oh poor baby, maybe I can fix that!” Marlena squirmed under him trying to get away so she could have some more… fun with him. John grabbed her hands and pinned them out to the sides. Marlena still laughed at the things she’d done to him, but her laughter ceased when she cleared her eyes of the laughing tears and saw John’s face. He had such a look about him, he was smiling, but a look of smoldering passion painted his eyes. He leaned down and captured her mouth in a searing kiss. She wriggled her hands free and brought them to the back of his head to bring him closer, if that was even possible.
“John, I love you.” Marlena’s eyes were glazed over with so many emotions; they only knew to cry to express themselves. John reached up and wiped the tears away replacing them with kisses
“Doc, I do, and always will, love you. You are my life, my love, and most importantly, you are my other half. I’m complete only with you.” John leaned down and kissed her nose. She found the tears were escaping faster now and she knew everything would be okay. They drew near, yet again, and fell deep into each other, as the words of the song lilted across their entwined bodies as they began to become one”
I didn’t come here to leave you
I didn’t come here to lose
I didn’t come here believin’ I would ever be away from you
I didn’t come here to find out, there’s a weakness in my faith
I was brought hereby the power of love, love by grace
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Love By Grace – Wynonna – Revelations
The Jarlena Journal 