“You’re wrong if you think I’m going to let you go.” In a flash he has moved across the room, to the door that I am about to exit. If only I had been a moment quicker, I would be away from him, away from the feelings that I get when I am around him. His arm is outstretched, holding the door to my office closed… an office of a doctor in a past that I don’t remember. The confusion is what frightens me, the knowledge that he remembers every last moment of our lives together like it was only yesterday, and the fear that I don’t remember any of it.
I find myself fighting the attraction that I feel towards him every time I am alone with him… anytime I am in the same room with him. Now he is closer than ever, I can smell the manly scent of his cologne, and I fight not to take a deep breath to savour the sensation that it sends through me.
“Cause I won’t.” He finishes his sentence, in a husky and miserable tone. My heart breaks for him, for here is a man so dejected. I tense up, knowing that I can’t let pity influence a decision that has already been made. I have chosen Alex, knowing that our past together was so long ago that we will both have to forge a new start, neither one of us at a clear disadvantage. Not like I would be if I had chosen John.
I make sure that my back remains turned to him, my eyes closed in disappointment, for here I am in a situation that I don’t want to have to face. But for some reason I don’t move. Not until I feel his face brush the back of my hair, and I know that if I don’t move now, he will take it as a sign to persist. God knows, he is already persistent enough. Selfish… I bet he has always gotten everything that he wanted, one way or the other. Before I move I turn my head slightly, and am shocked by my closeness to him. I find myself glancing into his eyes, and being stricken by the brightness of the blue orbs, and then involuntarily I glance quickly at his lips.
Oh god, I want so much to feel his lips on mine again. The memory of kissing under the mistletoe at Christmas time suddenly comes back to me… a memory that I had succeeded in putting out of my mind until this moment. I hadn’t realised how much that kiss… those kisses… had affected me. I find myself remembering how my heart pounded furiously, my body betraying me, even as my mind was telling me to stop before it got out of hand. Why am I feeling this way about a man that I hardly remember? Why is this happening when I have vowed to give my heart to another man?
Coming to my senses, I slowly move away from him, immediately disappointed.
Confused by my reaction… this man confuses me so much… I can’t handle it.
“Marlena…” The way he says my name makes me feel like I am the only person in his life… the only person he cares about. “If you could just remember anything about our past… anything… you would understand why I am so suspicious of Alex North.” He has moved behind me, and suddenly all of my feelings of attraction have subsided… we are back to Alex. This is the perfect time to get John out of my life forever. “John, I…” I have to pause, unsure as to why I struggle to say this. I turn around to face him, knowing that my words will have more effect if I am looking into his eyes. “The thing is, I… I just don’t have… passionate feelings for you!” I have to look away, hoping that he won’t see the confusion in my eyes, but when I look back, the pain that I see in his almost tears me apart. He looks as if he is fighting tears, his mouth pursed into a straight line, his body rigid. I know that he doesn’t want to believe it. “And I… think that
somehow I would have… if our relationship had been like what I had with Alex.”
“How long are you going to lie to yourself, Marlena?” His voice is raised. Gone is the lost little boy that I had just spoken to. He has picked up on my total confusion… my attraction towards him. “I… I’m not lying John. I think that you just need to come to terms with the fact that I will never be yours…” I find that my anger comes easily, my frustration… when faced with his.
“Yes you are…” He places his hands on my shoulders to stop me from moving away. It astounds me that he can read me so well, knowing that I had been about to flee from this confrontation. “Marlena, you and I belong together… I can see it in your eyes how confused you are. I can sense the electricity that is sparking through the room every time we are alone together.”
“John… I can’t do this… I just… please let me go…” Now I am scared. His hands are running slowly up and down my upper arms, gently, tenderly. “I am not stopping you Marlena. You are free to go at any moment.” He continues to speak as his hands continue to touch me. They are not even on my bare skin, yet I can feel my body heating to his warmth. “But I don’t think you will. I don’t think you can. Marlena, you have never been able to walk away from me.” His voice is almost a whisper, heated and lustful.
“John, I…” He cuts me off, his fingertips pressed against my parted lips. I can taste the salt on him… I want so much to feel his lips on mine.
“No… Marlena, ever since we kissed on Christmas eve, I haven’t been able to get those lips and that body out of my mind. You have been haunting me like never before…” My breathing quickens as his fingertips trace the rim of my lips. His blue eyes stare at them as his fingertips move, like he is mesmerized by the memory of kissing me. Just as I am mesmerized right now at the memory of kissing him. I close my eyes, savouring the sensations that he evokes with his touch, my cheeks suffusing with a deep pink as I think about what I want.“You are exquisite Marlena… I don’t think you realise how beautiful you are…” My eyes open and meet his, and at last I feel at home with him. Nervous, excited and aroused, but finally at home.
His fingertips move from my lips, and I again find my eyes closing as they move to my cheeks and then my neck. His hands are rough and the perfect contrast to my soft skin, causing just enough skin to skin friction to make me want more… to make us both want more.
“John…” I whisper his name, needing more, craving his kiss. “Kiss me…” It is soft yet demanding. I move closer to him, searching for his lips, but he pulls back, and I open my eyes and stare in confusion into his.
“What’s wrong?” I ask softly, my eyes filling with tears at the thought that this might not happen. “Don’t cry baby, please? I just want to savour this… I am afraid that it won’t last, that you don’t want me…” His confession fills my heart and finally I realise what the past months have done to John, my behaviour towards him, my coldness. My entire body feels like it is melting just to be close to him.
“I want you…” I speak quickly in a husky voice, before pressing my lips to his. The sensation is even better than I remember, as he starts slow and then builds up… the passion heightening as our tongues finally find each other and dance in a sensual expression of love and desire. As the kisses continue, I wrap my arms around John’s neck, my nails searching for his skin, covered securely by the material of his shirt. His hands enlace in my hair, pushing me back to him, every time he feels that I’m not close enough.
Soon we are both craving the awareness of skin against skin, hot, erotic contact. Whimpering from desperation, I fight with the buttons of his shirt, my fingers clumsy in reckless passion. “Help me…” I implore of John, and he smiles at my frenzy, even though he himself needs me just as much. As John takes over the task of undressing, I take the opportunity to place my hands inside his shirt, my fingertips playing with the dark hairs of his muscular chest.
Leaving his shirt open on his body, John moves to my jacket, shedding it as quickly as he can, while leaning in to kiss my ear. That sends me into another place and I can barely speak. “I need you John… I want you to take me now…” I gaze into his eyes, mine full of lust and desire and passion. There can be no mistaking my intentions or my feelings.
“Oh god Marlena, I have waited so long…” His hands move under my turtleneck, touching the bare skin of my stomach and moving towards my breasts. My chest rises and falls heavily in anticipation, waiting for the contact. Nimbly, he unclasps my bra beneath my top and suddenly I find myself gasping as his warm hands completely engulf my breasts, the delicious sensation almost too much for me to bear.
“Oh John…” My voice comes out in a shudder of pleasure.
A knock at the door breaks us from our reverie, just as I notice John hard and pressed up against my thigh, as his fingertips tease my breasts. “Shit…” He curses under his breath.
“Just ignore it… they’ll go away…” I press my lips to his, in an attempt to distract him from the presence of a visitor at the door.“Mum… it’s me, Belle. Can I come in?” My eyes shoot open at the sound of our daughter’s voice. “John… quick, do up your shirt,” I demand. I do not want my daughter catching us like this.
“Mum…” The door handle turns, and I look at John with horror in my eyes.
He comes to the rescue, reaching the door before she can open it, and opening it just a crack. “Honey, not a good time for us right now…” Out of the corner of my eye I think I see him wink at Belle. But it does the trick… she is gone.
“Second thoughts?” He asks me, his eyebrow raised deviously.I shake my head vigorously. “No!” I don’t need to say any more. Before I can react John takes my hand. “Come with me…” he demands, pulling me to him and then making me walk in front of him to cover his arousal. I blush as his hands reach around me and sneak up under my top. “John… stop that…” I swipe him away, unable to contain a slight giggle at the knowledge that someone could see us.
“I don’t care if anyone sees us… you are mine!” He nibbles on my earlobe and I feel myself melting into him, painfully aware of his erection pressing into the small of my back as he pulls me closer.
By the time we get to the penthouse, we are both in dire need of release. The entire drive consisted of me teasing John and him teasing me in return… my hand on his inner thigh, dangerously close to where his erection still pressed against his pants… his travelling up and down my leg. We are in the elevator, pressed together against the wall, our tongues dancing and our hands searching for forbidden body parts. Moans of desire escape between kisses, coming from deep within our throats. I can feel the wetness of arousal soak through my panties, and I know that John will soon know how much I want him.
We stumble inside, locking the door… ourselves in and others out. We can’t get up the stairs fast enough, kissing and touching the entire way. John’s shirt is off by the time we reach the room, and his hands are searching for my top. I lift my arms and allow him to remove the soft pink turtleneck. My bra, still undone, quickly follows it. I watch quizzically as he just stops in front of me… staring at my naked upper body, licking his lips as he thinks forbidden thoughts. I take the opportunity to slowly wiggle out of my skirt, my shoes already gone the moment we walked into the penthouse. I am left standing there in only my black panties… and John’s eyes roam my body, from top to toe. There is no shame in my nakedness before him.
“I want to touch and taste every single inch of you, Marlena…” He moves towards me, reaching out a tentative hand to cup my breast. “I want you to touch me… I want you to take me now John…” My breasts heave as he accepts the invitation, his other hand reaching out to join the first. He kneads my breasts and then bends to suck the sensitive nipples, sending me into a frenzy of need beyond anything I have ever felt.
I reach down to unzip his pants. I want to see him, naked and in all his glory. He helps me by pulling the pants, along with his boxer shorts down his legs. My small hands reach down to engulf the length of him, as John continues his attention to my breasts, slowly making his way down to my stomach. “John, please… I need you so much…” I am begging now, and John nods towards the bed. Throwing my arms around his neck I jump against him, our movements fluid as he lifts my thighs and helps me to wrap my legs around his waist. He smiles as he feels me pressed against him, wet and ready. “What were you saying about passion?” he teased, his voice husky against my neck.
“I lied!” I panted the words, as he began to stumble with me towards the bed. “I have more passion for you that I could ever hope to have for anyone…” My secret confession sends John over the edge of all control.
Before I know it I am on the bed, the softness of a familiar mattress pressing into my back. Beads of sweat cover my body… and mix with John’s as he moves over me. I am so filled with passion that I am unaware of how he removes my panties… all I know is that I am lying there naked, and his lips and tongue are sending me over the edge. This is better than I could ever have imagined… better than everything I had ever experienced. My hips thrust upwards as John’s tongue enters me… I needed release so badly. But I don’t want to release until he too is satisfied. “John… take me NOW…” I scream, on the verge of orgasm. I pull at his hair, urging him to obey me, and I sigh with relief as he does. He surges over and into me. One movement and our bodies are dancing together in an erotic dance.
He thrusts and I thrust back. We speak and moan, only each others names, lost in the love that is reborn between us. We release together and he collapses onto me, his face pressed into my neck and mine in his hair.
I finally realise that I don’t need my memories… I need him and only him. Because ours is a love that exists without memory.
Love Beyond!
The Jarlena Journal 