Everybody’s high on consolation……..
The disgustingly cheerful sign read, “Welcome to the Windy City.” John just stood there and stared at it… desperately trying to come up with some reason to feel good about being alive, and failing miserably. Remembering all the things that were said to try to keep him in Salem… his head pounded unmercifully
Everybody’s trying to tell me what is right for me…..
“It could work out for the best… don’t give up, John… Marlena, or substitute Bo/Hope/the family.. they just need some time… ”
“It could be worse. you should be thankful the child is healthy… the baby needs its father.”
“John you never know… You need to stay, John… the family needs you, your children need you.. Have you prayed about this, John? Yada, yada, yada..
My daddy tried to bore me with a sermon…..
“You have to take responsibility for what happened… everyone knows that it wasn’t really your fault.. but you hid the truth, son… and now you have to live with the consequences.. and you have a child to think about… Don’t you think it’s time for you to get past your guilt and do what’s right, John?”
But it’s plain to see they can’t comfort me….
It didn’t matter what they said… nothing could take back what happened or alleviate the pain everyone was suffering, nothing could right the wrongs that had been perpetrated against himself and the mother of the infant he’d fathered. It was unbelievable really….His baby.. yet another child fathered out of wedlock. Why could he never get it right? What the *hell* is wrong with me?’ he wondered in the silence of late afternoon, staring out over the massive lake as he drove along the downtown shoreline, the bright colors of Spring contrasting with the bleak darkness that surrounded his heart.
Shaking his head, he considered the facts of the matter… not one of his children had even been conceived in the midst of a loving faithful marriage. Maybe everyone he loved would be better off without him… maybe there was something inherently wrong with the inner workings of the man named John Black. Certainly the case could be made that from the moment Stefano Dimera got his hands on that man’s brain, he had never been the same. The damage had been done and maybe it was permanent.
Sorry Charlie for the imposition
I think I’ve got it, got the strength to carry on…
He saw a bar up ahead, thank God… a place to sit down and drown his sorrows for a time… a place to escape for a little while, so he could figure out what the hell he was going to do next. His life was in a complete shambles. Marlena wasn’t sure how she felt or what to do with him, saying she had pleaded with him for months to open up about what was troubling him and he steadfastly denied her. Bo was much clearer about his feelings… he basically hated John’s guts at the moment. Hope was about as confused as a woman could possibly be and she wouldn’t talk to him.
The rest of the Brady’s were divided as to whether or not to condemn him, with one camp saying they felt sorry for both Hope and John, not to mention the poor unfortunate child that resulted from their one time unwitting sexual encounter. The other contingent was saying John should have told everyone what he remembered well ahead of time, that he never should have allowed Stefano to use his knowledge as leverage against John’s remembrance of the life of crime that had been forced upon him by that same madman. The upshot of it all was that he had screwed up royally and there might be no way to make amends to all those affected by his monumental mistake.
Upon entering the bar, John said very little to the bartender as he sat upon one of the old fashioned stools,
I need a drink and quick decision…
Downing one beer, he asked for another, and another and finally he took a gulp or two of the fourth drink, a double shot of Jack Daniels and stopped. He found himself welcoming the hot numbing sensation he felt coating his throat and flowing through his veins, dulling his senses and momentarily deadening the pain….
Now it’s up to me, what will be….
He had to decide what to do… where he would go, how he should handle the responsibility and the pain at the same time. It was impossible… there was no escaping the facts. If he went home to Salem… it would probably be to an empty penthouse condominium. To say that his marriage to the woman he loved with every ounce of his soul was ‘on the rocks’ was to make a tremendous understatement.
She’s gone Oh I…
Oh I’d better learn how to face it
She’s gone, Oh, I
Oh, I’d pay the devil to replace her……..
John remembered every second of the day the truth came out…. It was sheer hell, his worst nightmare coming true, just as he imagined that it might.
She’s gone… what went wrong?
Stefano threatened to reveal the secret at the baby’s baptism… just as he had forced Marlena to do at Belle’s Christening. John remembered standing there… praying, begging God not to let it happen in such a public forum, to save him from a fate worse than death. He’d been remembering the look of bitter anguish on Marlena’s face when it happened to her, wishing he could spare her what was now inevitable, to be in Roman’s position on that same kind of day, the one whose faith, love, and trust had been betrayed in the worst way. It was utter agony, to have it happen again, his own sins uncovered so starkly, just as they were that day almost seven years earlier. He was dressed in a $2,000 suit and yet it was as if he stood before them naked and ashamed, totally exposed and vulnerable.
“I think there is something you might be interested in knowing… haven’t you all been wondering who is the father of this baby?” asked a booming voice, one the gathering of friends and family knew all too well.
There was total silence in the sanctuary… Stefano Dimera smiled with pure malevolence, looking straight through his enemy, John Black, as he approached them.. his dark eyes taunting him, daring him, saying, ‘I warned you, John… and you did not heed my warning and now.. you will pay the price.’
“I know who the baby’s father is… someone you would never suspect, someone you would all trust with your lives if it became necessary.”
“Who.. Stefano… who is it, and how could you know such a thing?” asked the onlookers, hopeful it wasn’t that evil being himself.
The dark pair of eyes bore a hole right through to his very soul as his tormentor faced off with him, asking the impossible question. Either way, life as he knew it was about to be shattered beyond repair, “John, would you like to tell them…or shall I do the honors?”
Bo and Hope were alarmed, as was Marlena, who suddenly had a sinking feeling akin to deja vous in the pit her stomach, as she too remembered what it was like to have her sins revealed in the house of God. “John… what is this all about? What’s he talking about?” they asked in rapid succession.
His response was barely audible, his teary eyes fixed on a spot on the carpet below him, his heart breaking for the agony he was about to cause, as he spoke the words he feared most, “I am… I’m the baby’s father. I’m sorry…. I’m so… very sorry.”
A collective horrified gasp filled the air. Marlena, overwhelmed by emotion, began to weep and rushed out of the chapel in tears. Bo and his brother Roman almost instantly became enraged and were ready to beat John to a bloody pulp, and Hope collapsed in a heap, just after handing the baby off to her bewildered father, Doug Williams. All of that was followed by complete bedlam in the sanctuary at St. Luke’s.
Up in the morning, look in the mirror
I’m worn as her toothbrush hanging in the stand….
The next morning… which was actually early afternoon, he didn’t even want to look in the mirror he was so ashamed of his behavior. If he had only told them what he remembered from the very beginning, they might have forgiven him, but now… it might never happen. He lied… denying what he’d remembered over and over and over again, he lied to the people who loved him the most, hurting them in the worst possible way. The original act was not his fault, but covering the truth once he remembered was the most damaging mistake of his life. Marlena might never forgive him for lying to her face when she nearly begged him off and on for months to share with her what was upsetting him so terribly. In her eyes, John violated every rule that made a marriage relationship work and the most devastating aspect of it was that he didn’t trust in her love for him. He wounded her deeply and John was well aware that it was a wound that might never heal.
My face ain’t looking any younger
Now I can see, love’s taken her toll on me…
She’s gone…. Oh I…
Because of how he handled the troubling memory flashes, he’d lost her, perhaps for good. And all that was left was to wander the streets and wonder what he could do now. Maybe he could just exist until he died… maybe he could die from breathing in the dirty urban air… ‘Death by pollution’ he thought… one could only hope.
Think I’ll spend eternity in the city
Let the carbon and monoxide choke my thoughts away……
It was late when he left the bar, lurching and staggering along the waterfront… The streetwalkers were out in force, many of them making a play for him. Some part of him was tempted, not for the pleasure.. more as a punishment. Maybe he would catch something, or maybe he would piss off a pimp and get himself killed, anything to make payment for his sins….
And pretty bodies help dissolve the memories
But they can never be what she was to me…
Living without her was tantamount to being dead anyway. There was no joy, no light, no love, no peace for his tortured soul. His lungs exchanged air, his heart pumped blood to his extremities, and his eyes could see but there were no colors, only shades of gray.
She’s gone….Oh, I
Oh, I’d better learn how to face it
She’s gone, Oh I
Oh, I’d pay the devil to replace her
She’s gone….
The Jarlena Journal 