Seventh Regret (Rewrite) – By Kris

Seventh Regret

“I challenge any being to prove me wrong when I say that regrets are the worst kind of sins.  They are simple at the core but messy along the border, they are easy to fall into, and with an effortless hand, a single regret can wipe away your life… your existence. ~Howard Hawkes      

“Well shit-” leaves a set of frustrated lips, as John looks around the crazy airport space, looking for a travel board. It is with the help of a person’s rollie suitcase pushing into him that causes him to turn to his left just enough to catch the wall of TVs beside some advertisements. Releasing a deep breath through his nose, John adjusts his dark tan briefcase first, before pulling the strap of his black leather duffle more firmly onto his right shoulder. Since he landed at JFK Airport, his brain can’t stop thinking about how he used to do this all the time and he has been pondering why. For a few years, traveling is what he did and he is surprised how quickly he fell out of the groove. 

As his eyes run over the screen looking for his flight, John’s lips instinctively move and mutter out “Fort Mayer, Fort Lauderdale, Grand Rapids, Greensboro, Houston -” until he finds Kansas City and American Airlines and checks the time and Gate number. He reads through it twice to commit it to memory before spinning around to see which direction he has to go for B5. His hand rubs the tense muscles in his neck and looks over all the people standing between him and the B Gate. Just a wall of commotion with people talking, phones ringing, bags being dragged and thrown to the ground, kids shrieking, and those ghastly little cars for old people… the ones that beep every three seconds and drive any normal person insane. He thinks about how they move at a snail’s pace and that anybody who gets hit by one deserves to be, because any idiot can see it coming. 

His eyebrow arches as he wonders why he was just thinking about people getting hit by the slow-moving carts. John jerks forward slightly as he is pushed and, instinctively, his head whirls around just in time to see a cluster of teens walk past me. “Sorry about that… didn’t mean to be so rude… too busy flirting to realize you were there…” 

He shakes his head, moves forward, and continues to mutter about how truly shitty airports are and wondering how he had survived all those years. Constantly moving, constantly on a plane and on trains and subways and dealing with people and noise and such… such… whatever this shit is. He considers the changes in the commotion over the years and realizes that cellphones have added a different tone to the commotion. More people have them and are standing and walking around practically yelling into them. Previously, phone conversations were confined to certain corners. 

John does a hesitation step as his brain processes that he is bitching about phone conversation. Rubbing his face, he breaths out, “I’m fuckin’ old.” As he moves down the B corridor, his eyes scan the different Gates, reading the cities listed and scanning all the groups of people buried in newspapers and books or eyes closed and music blaring. 

Over the past two years, his travel life has basically been non-existent as he settled overseas and allowed 

himself to stay more office work. After he left Salem initially, travel is all he wanted to do. A random plane to a random cab to a random hotel. No time to unpack, to settle, and therefore to think. At first, the movement was energizing as he saw new places, spent the evenings in museums, site-seeing local historical areas, and trying well reviewed hole-in-the-walls to 5-Star restaurants. But after a few years, all of that energy died out and he found himself going from office to hotel with a glass of brandy and repeat. It got to the point that he frequently couldn’t tell anyone which city he was actually in and the circles under his eyes had gotten quite deep. 

John entered the states eight days ago, with the first stop in Chicago to discuss a possible merger with a new security tech company and then to DC for a charity event that he hadn’t attended himself in almost four years. If asked, he would probably say that it hasn’t been all that exciting and he could take or leave it, but deep down, the stimulation of the cities and even the airports has been a nice change of pace and he feels a little life spark within him.

As he finds his Gate, sees that Kansas City is listed on the board with the same departure time as he just read a minute ago, he nods his approval and rubs the back of his neck, needing the muscle. “Glad I flew into JFK to have a therapy session with myself.” Holding his duffle to his side, John looks down the corridor looking for a bar, “I need a drink. Maybe coffee.”

As he turns, he pauses for a moment to look outside the south facing windows and snickers at the rather grotesque view. The city’s outline can be seen out in the distance, but there really isn’t much else to look at. The airport is a little dirtier than it used to be and that seems to match the city itself, it felt dirtier. Walking around the last few days, the shine seems to have worn off – or maybe it’s just his. As he starts walking back to the hub, he wonders if LA has changed and starts to realize just how long he has been gone.    

John shakes his head and continues towards a small café counter, “Really have to get out more.”

Passing by a couple dozen people, he sidesteps a few, walks through the middle of a group and stops abruptly as a kid runs out in front of him before making it to the counter. He smiles at the female, “Vanilla latté.”

“Size?”

“Umm… what’s it… a…” Blue eyes narrow as John attempts to locate the sizes on the very unorganized board, “Grande should do.”

He considers how he would really like a tea, but he made that mistake last week at O’Hare and won’t be doing so a second time. The barista continues to stare at John and he is unsure if he needs to say more words or not, but finally she finishes processing and nods at him. Hearing the machine state, he turns slightly and adjusts the shoulder straps again, before deciding to move his duffle to his right shoulder. Elspeth, his secretary, had suggested that he get a small carry on that rolls, but he refused and has since been working on how to tell her that she was, indeed, correct and ask her to order him one. 

Realizing how that thought makes him look, he cracks his neck and decides to stop thought-complaining about his two bags for the rest of the trip. He looks back at the barista, still at work, and then back in front of him where he can see a group of children at the far window waving madly at a taxiing airplane. Nobody cares and nobody can see them, but they wave anyway. It’s rather cute. Especially the little boy who keeps jumping every time the plane moves an inch. 

Innocence.

Opposite of all the men in business suits who can’t even be bothered to look in their direction and smile. 

As a mother practically drags her son along the rug in front of him, John thinks about all of the families heading out for vacation or heading back home from one and instantly, he realizes how much he misses family vacations. Eric and Sami were always too excited to sleep and it didn’t take John long to realize that the magical answer was for him to sleep while they were at school and then immediately take off and drive through the night. They would sleep and be ready to go the next morning. John, on the other hand, relied on caffeine on day one, but it was worth it. 

He misses the man that he once was, but refuses to dwell on it any longer. Turning back around to see what is taking so long, John’s hands lay flat on the counter, but something has caught the corner of his eye. It was brief and seemingly meaningless – the type of thing that happens a million times a day and should be ignored, but instead, his head turns slightly to the right and tries to figure out what it was. There is a feeling, something that he hasn’t felt in a long time, but it is like a small shiver on the inside of his body. Blue eyes scan the area, but all he sees is the same chaos and groups of people- nothing of interest. 

Just as he gives up, his eyes move to his hand as it smooths down the light blue tie along his white dress shirt, but then he sees it again. His hand stops and he lifts his eyes as high as they can go without moving his head, almost too afraid to move and see it disappear.  Blonde, fair skin, talking with her hands, and perfectly shaped legs.  Sure, that could make her just about anyone, but as she tosses her head back, he knows it must be to laugh and he sees the profile that has haunted his dreams his whole life.  

“Sir.”

John shakes his head and blinks himself back into the coffee situation. Looking up at the woman to let her know that he has heard her, he then quickly glances back to make sure that he wasn’t hallucinating her. ““Could I…” turning back around, “Could I get another one with whipped cream?”

“Instead of this one?”

Society is falling apart, doomed with no hope of survival, he thinks before responding, “Along with this one. Need- -” Trying to make this easy, he places a possessive hand over this one, “I want this one. And now I would also like a second with whipped cream.”

“Could have ordered them both together.”

John opens his mouth, closes it, and nods his apology, declaring that this is, after all, New York City.  “I could have. I’m sorry.”

Receiving a not so nice look, John just laughs and turns to the man next to him, “You may just want to run to another one… would be faster.”

He smiles back, “Probably not. The workers seem to be clones.”

John initiated the conversation, but is very distracted by keeping his eye on her, afraid she will walk away and he will miss it. His fingers begin to drum on the counter as he thinks, impatient, about how it cannot be that hard to make the drink. You push a button, liquid comes out, spray some whipped cream on the top and it’s over. So he wonders where she is going so wrong.

His eyes are on his feet as the whipped cream can is heard and he mutters out “Finally.” Pulling out a black leather wallet, John snaps it open and then immediately closes it. Flipping it over, he digs his fingers into the side pocket and pulls out some American bills. Locating a twenty, he hands it to her with a quick “Thank you,” followed by “Keep the change, my apologies for the double order.” Then, fixing the damn strap, John wraps his fingers around the coffee cups, steps off to the right, and heads straight for her.

Staring at her back, John accidentally catches the eyes of her company and then awkwardly turns very away, practically turning in the opposite direction. It’s embarrassing to be caught staring, especially in the way of excitement and awe that he was. He can only imagine what he looked like, but now he has to turn around again and walk towards her. This time, using the simple ploy of walking directly at her, but looking anywhere but at her. As he gets closer, John realizes that he doesn’t know if he should tap her shoulder or walk in front of her. He can’t pretend to have just bumped into her, because he has a coffee for her. 

Four steps away, he decides to go with what is natural. Stepping behind her, his left arm reaches around her, he states quietly into her right ear, “Latté? Vanilla with some whipped cream.”

She tenses. He’s not touching her but he can tell. But who wouldn’t? It’s a normal reaction as she tries to place the voice. Shouldn’t be hard. At least John hopes not. 

But then John can sense the smile that crosses her lips and she releases a breath that eases her whole body. As she speaks, her body naturally gravitates backwards towards his chest, “I’m not so sure I should accept things from strangers.”

She’s trying to play with him and he appreciates it more than he could have ever possibly known. With a slight smirk on his lips, “What about an old friend?” Standing so close, he can see the shiver ripple through her body and the goosebumps form on her shoulders, and it takes every bit of will power to keep his chin from dipping down and kissing along the exposed skin. Her left hand moves up to easily grasp the bottom of the cup, but it is her right hand that he watches as it moves across her body and slides over my fingers and then the back of my hand. It causes his fingers to straighten and release the cup to her, but she grips those fingers and applies pressure. It feels like time has stopped for the two of them, as both, momentarily, forget to breathe. 

The blonde starts to turn and John drops his arm, “You disappear for years and all you offer is a co- -” Her breath catches almost painfully as their eyes finally meet and her comment abruptly ends. He isn’t really sure if her comment was going to be sarcastic or meant as a joke with some truth in it. Right now, she is merely trying to adjust to the shock of seeing him, as he is desperately trying to soak in every piece of her. His eyes want to look over her face, take in the extra lines above her cheekbones and her beautiful smile, but his blue eyes are too lost in her hazel ones to do so. They are quite wide, but clouded over with emotion as she adjusts. She releases her breath slowly and it tickles his chin and his cheek twitches at the sensation. 

John smiles slightly- it’s more teasing and cocky, trying to get her to smile. “Consider it a down payment?”

But she’s not smiling and he doesn’t know why she isn’t. He fears that she won’t and he doesn’t know what to do if she doesn’t. He looks at his feet and then back up at her as she lifts the lid of her coffee and takes a small sip. Her tongue darts out to remove the whipped cream from her upper lip, but, like old times, she misses a small sport at the corner of her mouth and instinct takes over and he is leaning forward before he even knows what is going on. It’s an action that haunts his memory and he would be lying if he said he didn’t wonder from time to time if their feelings for one another were really as strong as he remembers. As he places a chaste kiss over the sweet spot, effectively removing the remaining cream, his lips move along her cheek and whisper softly, “Smile please.”

This was bound to happen

It was just a matter of time

This town is just too small for

Us to really say goodbye

You’re smiling that smile that

You get when you’re nervous

Like you don’t quite know what to do

But this is me you’re talking to

This is me you’re talking to

This gets her. Her face brightens and her eyes twinkle, as she breathes out his name, “John.” 

“Marlena.”

“Hi.”

“Hey yourself. You’re lookin’ good… very very…” She squats at him, “What? I’m just letting you know what I th–” then he sighs playfully at her cross look, “Just letting you know that I have missed you, Doc, and that you are looking amazing. Seriously.”

Marlena’s cheeks turn pink and she can feel an increase in her body temperature, but she tries to ignore it and focus on the man in front of her. He, on the other hand, is mesmerized by the tint and the thoughts of how long it has been since he has seen her blush, or her nose wrinkle, or the tilt in her head as she is studying him. She takes a step forward, placing her leg between his and wraps her arms around his midsection. There is an awkward moment of adjusting for him as he drops one bag to the ground, passes the coffee between his hands, and then drops the second bag, All the while, Marlena has not budged for the comfort of his chest and she sighs when John can finally wrap two strong arms around her shoulder blades. Kissing the side of her head, “Don’t spill on my shirt.”

Her laugh is a bit watery as Marlena tries to hold in her tears, and she buries her face into his shoulder. But the catch in her breathing and the moisture seeping through his shirt indicates that she is not being successful and his heart aches, realizing that he didn’t consider as he was walking over here how this might affect her. In reaction, John places his cheek on the side of her head, inhaling her scent, and tightens his grip on her. Their bodies still fit perfectly together and despite the eight years apart, it feels like yesterday. Marlena always said that their bodies must have been built from the same mold. In that moment, John realizes that he never asked her if she had also said that to Roman. 

As she backs up, she smoothes down his shirt, but doesn’t lift her hand from the fabric, “Barely noticeable.” 

A small laugh brings the question, “So, heading back to Salem?”

“Actually, down to Florida.”  She looks down for a minute, as if the words are caught within her throat and John looks at her confused by the reaction to what he thought was a simple question, nothing too prying. “Eric is down there – he’s meeting me down there, ‘cause he’s uh, he’s moving into his dorm tomorrow.”

Holding his breath for a second, John nods more at the explanation for her tone and the awkwardness that has settled over them. “Oh. Wow.” Nodding, as if he is trying to convince himself that that was a good enough response to the information, John processes how the kid went from elementary school to college in a matter of seconds. “I, uh sorry, just wow.  Blowing my mind a little here. But of course they would be college age.” Sami has kept in touch with him a bit over the years, but he has so many questions running through his head, “Graduated. I should have sent them something, I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t realize that that – -”

She attempts to give him the out, “It’s been awhile, no reason you should have.”

Marlena stares at him, noticing how long his black hair is as it moves with the angry shake of his head, “No Doc, I washed their Class of 2000 t-shirts so many times – Eric wore his until it was in shreds. Sami didn’t care so I ended up just giving hers to- -” The words are just falling from his lips, and then it’s his turn to blush, “Sorry, just rambling.”

“No, I didn’t know that. One of those t-shirts was still floating around when I returned, do you think they do that, the shirts I mean, just to give parents a reality check?” He smiles at her, “Like, do you really need to stare at a year that seems forever away and think about how old you will be then?”

“You might be right.” He tilts his head up, gazing off towards the ceiling for a moment, “They walked out for their kindergarten graduation, recital thingy and…” The laugh escapes him and he holds up the coffee cup to apologize, because by the look on her face, she would like to join in on the humor, “Sorry,” that same hand pulls back to pay his chest, “I had to fill out their t-shirt form and I was thinking these were going to be little kid, toddler size things so I put large and out those two peanuts walk with this adult large-” Her “oh no!” wraps around him as his body shakes from the memory, “Doc, they were just drowning in these shirts. You could… you could barely see their sneakers peaking out.”

Together they laugh and they both realize how much they have missed moments like this and for John, he hasn’t had many light-hearted moments based around memories in years. 

Marlena reaches up and uses her thumb and pointer finger to wipe the tears from her eyes. “That’s so precious! I still feel like it was yesterday that I was bringing them to elementary school. So graduation was a lot.”

“I can only imagine. Right now, their first day of preschool is playing through my head. Sami dropped me so fast and Eric wouldn’t let go of me. I was totally prepared for the opposite. I ended up sitting in this tiny chair, paranoid that my butt was stuck forever, with Eric on my lap for half the day. He was so little.”

Marlena smiles softly, “You never told me that story before.”

 “Well,” he wonders what an appropriate comment is here, so he uses taking a sip of his drink to buy him a few seconds because the true answer is that there just never was a chance to talk about such things, “someday we’ll have to sit and share stories.” The darkness that spreads through her eyes lets him know that Marlena understands that they just never had the time, because of their situation and because he left town. “Where is he going? University of Florida?” 

Blonde curls bounce around her shoulders and along her back as she shakes her head, “He decided on F.I.T.  He wants environmental or chemical engineering, he hasn’t quite decided which. I fear he’ll go after both and cause himself to burn out.”

“Nah, he’s a smart kid.  He’ll figure out a balance.  He always loved his chemicals.”

“Yeah, he was always reading about science.  I’m sure you remember, how many books he went through, experiments, and how many phone calls we got about him sneaking into the chemistry room when he was just in…” She fades out when she realizes her mistake in the last part and whispers, “middle school.”

Trying to lighten the mood, he ignores her mistake, “I think his third grade teacher had us all on speed-dial between his attempts to blow something up during recess and wanting to sneak into the older kids’ science room.  She said that it was her first time having to call about a good student constantly.” John leans down to pick up his briefcase and set it next to his duffle, it is then that he takes note of her roller suitcase and points towards it, “You know, my security, Elspeth, she is a fabulous woman, keeps me sane. Anyways, she told me to get a roller suitcase, I am pretty sure she had already bought one for me and probably put my initials on it like I’m a child-”

“Well-” It is the twinkle in her eye that warms his heart.  

“Any-ways -” John playfully glares at her, “the gist of it is that she said I needed a suitcase that rolls and I felt like she was insulting my masculinity so,” gesturing to the bags on the ground, “so I don’t have one. And you do, so it is another example of how I need to learn to listen to the intelligent females in my life.” Marlena wants to ask how many women are in his life, she won’t lie and say she hadn’t looked immediately at his left hand when it wrapped around her. She wants him happy and if that means that he found someone to love and share his life with, part of her would be grateful. However, a larger, selfish part of her can’t consider that he’s created a full life without her. John sips at his coffee and watches all the different emotions passing through her eyes, before continuing, “Wow, all grown up.  No longer playing with a chemistry set in the basement, ordering me to stay out.  I was honestly afraid that one day Frankenstein’s Creation was going to walk through the kitchen.”  Taking another drink, he realizes how much he has opened up the conversation to reminiscing and decides to try and bring the conversation back around to fact finding, “And Sami?”

“She’s sticking around Salem for now.  Things have been a little hard on Sami, she’s not the biggest fan of change so she’s going to start at Salem U and will, perhaps, transfer out next semester or next year.  She’s going for journalism currently.”

“And what will she be-”

She jumps in, “Do with it?  Heaven knows, but knowing my little girl, she’ll change her mind a million times over.”

“Just like her mom.”  He steps back playfully as she moves to hit him.  Pointing at her cup, “Watch it or you’ll end up spilling.  What about Carrie? What is she up to?”

“Engaged.”

Marlena says it quietly,  like if he hears it softly it will hurt less.  “Engaged? To be married? Can’t be to that Austin guy.”

Marlena has a small smile on her face and John can only assume it comes from my tone. “You never did approve of him, even when they were so young.  But no, things between them ended a few years ago.  Not long after… after you left.” A delicate hand bats away bangs from her eyes, “Too much stress and strain.”

“Stress?  Because of her accident?”  Her eyes fly up to meet his blue, “I co-sponsored the event, so not only did I see the newspaper article about the attack, but it was in the memos.  I hope she got my gift, but I felt so horrible. But she’s okay now, right?”

“Yeah.  Can barely notice the scars.  Have to be looking for them to see’em.  But so much happened, there was just a lot tied up in that attack with Austin and Roman got involved and well… she’s engaged to this very handsome and sweet boy named Harrison.  Harrison Dominico and he’s just finishing up med-school so that is always a plus.”

“But long hours.”

“Yeah, and she is getting into business, so they will have to learn communication.”

“Good for her.  I’ll have to send her a gift.” He checks off in his head how he needs to figure out belated graduation gifts and a wedding gift. He wouldn’t even know where to begin nor how to make the gift meaningful, but not weird. His mind decides that Elspeth will figure it out, as his heart expresses that Marlena is who he used to go to for such things.

“You should come,” interrupts his thoughts. “Carrie would love that more than anything. It’s next summer, and I…” She fades off for a moment as she juggles her coffee cup and starts digging into her purse. John instinctively reaches out to take the cup from her, allowing her to have full access to her purse. Her eyes flick up to meet his with a sweet, “thank you” at the help, as she finds the small pocket calendar and pen she was searching for. “Okay, so now we trade, I’ll hold coffees and you write down your address in the back of this. I’m going to make sure you get an invite.”

“Doc-” She ignores him, taking the cup back and pushing the calendar into his hand. Trying again, “Doc, Carrie doesn’t want – -”

“I’m not listening to any excuses. You’ll get the invite, do with it what you will.”

He nods because he really doesn’t want to get into anything with her and waste the little bit of time that they have and it will be nice to have a registry and address to send items to. He forces his mind to walk away from that train of thought before he gets overtaken by the idea that his little girl is getting married and he knows nothing about any of it. Instead, he concentrates on writing out the address to his home office clearly. As he writes out the street name, he is shocked by the amount of shaking in his grip and has to pause to stretch his fingers and take a deep breath. 

“There you go, it’s my office but it is a sure way to get any mail to me at the moment,” they awkwardly attempt to figure out what to do with no free hands, then John decides to step forward and slide the materials back into her purse. His cheek is so close to hers and he can’t stop himself from breathing in her scent and file away the slight change of it to lavender. “I can take my drink back. Am I keeping you? I know you were talking to someone – what time is your flight?”

“I’ve still got time. You?”

“I’ve still got time.” 

I’ve heard you met somebody

It didn’t take you very long

And I’ll admit it isn’t easy

Knowing you’ve moved on

But I can see how you could make any woman

Fall deep in love with you

This is me you’re talking to

And there you have it. Both have declared they have no immediate need to walk away from each other, but also, neither knows what to do now. They desperately want to stay in each other’s company and catch up on every event and feeling that they have had over the past six years, but also have no idea where to start and know that they do not have the time to get into anything currently. As silence falls, it’s uncomfortable. John is steadying the lid of his coffee and trying to recall why he opted to say hi to her, because he fears that it might be doing more harm than good for the two of them. 

As the silence continues and he can feel Marlena studying him, John regrets doing this to her – to them. He has only ever truly regretted five things in his life and this moment seems to be the sixth. Four out of the six surround her. The biggest regret of his life is his failure to save her from Orpheus, to know that she was alive and needed him. He also regrets not doing a better job of keeping her alive within their household after her ‘death.’ He was told that wasn’t true, but in his heart, he doesn’t believe them. Never has. And his second biggest regret was leaving Salem. He has replayed that day, those weeks, months over in his head. Many of his dreams take place on a storming fall night as he slipped out of town, leaving only a note for her to find. He made sure to leave no forwarding address and to contact the kids occasionally, but never her. She was a drug that he needed to detox from cold turkey. But his dreams sometimes turn into nightmares with Marlena running after the plane or declaring her hatred for him and other times, the dreams show alternate endings of her stopping him or somehow finding him. What if she had found out and stopped him? Would he have stayed? 

Now John regrets this. 

It’s Marlena who finally breaks through the agonizing silence, “Where are you heading off to?  Business meeting?”

“Yes, actually. Had a few meetings here and now heading to Kansas City and early next week LA, might be moving back there for a little while.”

“To Kansas City or LA?”

“Oh, LA. I lived there for a little bit a few years ago.”

“Really?” She is surprised and intrigued, “You don’t live here anymore?”  At his questioning look, she continues, “I had heard a rumor that you moved here, to New York City, and started a new branch of your office.”

Nodding, “I, uh, lived here for a bit.  Then spent some time in Florida, Massachusetts, was in LA for a year, then Maine and then have spent the last few years living in London.  Well, just outside of it, in Croydon, doing some business with my European branches. We have been starting a bit of a revamp here in the states, so was checking in and now we will start the overhaul out west.” His sentence kind of fades off as tired blue eyes move around, unable to look at her at the moment. The discomfort is still present and seen in his rambling. She is the last person John would ever want to be uncomfortable around, it is one of the reasons why he left. 

“You closed your offices in Salem.”  He simply nods, there is nothing more to add because it is not a topic that he wishes to get into and she drops it there.  “So, are you excited to be heading back to LA?”

“I wouldn’t say excited, no. I mean, I haven’t been there yet, but if the changes to here are any indication, I might not be. Here seemed a lot busier and dirtier than it was before. Could just be me, being away, and getting old. I am excited for some barbeque in Kansas City, haven’t had any in a long time. But we will see what LA has in store. London is such a different ballgame and I will admit that I have been wondering if I will have some trouble readjusting to being back in the states, you know?”

“Doesn’t sound like you have a home, John.”

His head tilts and he smirks slightly at her sly attempt to shrink him. “Not really, I guess.  Did have this adorable little house in Croydon. Old stone house with a nice porch, a little garden in back and I’ll admit it came with a cow, but I gave it to a local farmer.” Her eyebrow arches and he plows ahead, “Wonderful neighbors, two ladies next store took care of me – Agnes and Mabel cook and bake and magically always had enough leftovers to feed a middle-aged American male.”

“How sweet.” Her eyes cloud over and John can tell that Marlena is trying to keep the tears at bay. “I am glad… so glad that you had someone looking out for you, even if only for a short time.”

Nodding, “Yeah, they are great ladies and I will miss them.”

Her hazel eyes widen and she instinctively reaches out to touch his arm, “You gave up your house?”

“Yeah, yeah seemed like the obvious thing to do because I don’t know how long I will be in the states – might be forever. Who knows.” He stretches out his shoulders, as he is getting overwhelmed by the sadness in her eyes. “The backroom has a wood burning stove that reminds me a lot of the one at the Horton Cabin. It makes great marshmallows, you’d like it.”

“I do like a good marshmallow.” Both adults take in a calming breath as memories of the two of them at the Horton Cabin and with marshmallows, pass through their minds. A life together that seems a lifetime ago. John gets worried that her sad expression is from him bringing up items from their past, but then she speaks and he is a bit confused about what has her emotional, “I am assuming by what you just said you have sold it or are selling it, but do you really need to? Couldn’t you wait and see what happens?”

“I don’t see the point in hanging on to it.”

“John, to me it seems like you are running away from something.”

He smiles tightly, “Always a shrink, right Doc?  Never able to turn that part of you off, can you?”

“No.”  She tilts her head to follow my gaze, “Talking about your house, there was a lot of love there. I could see your body relax while talking about it, but-” Marlena tries to figure out how to word what she wants to say. “You spoke in both the past and present, so have you sold it already? Or are you selling it?”

“It doesn’t really matter either way, Doc.”

“Any particular reason you don’t want to find a place to settle down?”

“Work doesn’t really allow that right now.”

“John…”  His name is drawled out and he suddenly feels like he used to when he was either lying to her or purposely withholding information and she knew it, “In all these years-”

He cuts her off because John doesn’t really need her to rationalize it. He knows why he doesn’t have a home; he lost his home. He lost his family and house and any memory that he had established for himself. And if he is honest about it, he hasn’t allowed himself to come to terms with all of that yet, so there is no way for him to really settle down until he can face those demons and release them.  John’s right hand reaches out and strokes her cheek, the corner of his mouth turns up as she closes her eyes and leans into his palm, “Let’s not be fools here, I’m positive you already have it all figured out.”

Pursing her lips, but keeping her eyes tightly closed, Marlena reaches up to keep his palm against her skin, “Perhaps.” 

He watches his thumb as it slides along the skin underneath her eye, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say whatever is on your mind.”

“If only I could, Doc.” Her eyes open and he is amazed at how the sight of her hazel eyes looking back at him can still cause his breath to catch in his throat. “If only there was the time.  But that’s the thing, how do we catch up on the last, what, six plus years in a twenty minute conversation?”

“I don’t know.” She refuses to let go of the back of his hand and won’t allow him to look away, “I guess extend the time limit.”

John’s smile is tight, as he honestly informs her, “My mind keeps saying that I shouldn’t have come over here, that it wasn’t f–”

“John Black!” His name comes out so loudly and sharply that it even startled her. A slightly embarrassed blush spreads across her skin as people turn to look, but outside of a quick flutter of her eyes to each side of them, Marlena stays focused on John. For John, his attention is on his right hand, as it is elevated in the air near her face, but with her nails dug deep into his skin. Her grip does not lessen and John is almost too afraid to attempt to remove his hand from her grip, “If I found out that you saw me somewhere and did not say anything, I would be so unbelievably hurt and massively angry that I would hunt you down and make both of those things known.” 

There is a pain in his hand, but a smirk on his face because his mind is thinking about how much he loves feisty Marlena. He hears her say “–right now–” and his head tilts in confusion. He instantly knows he missed something while daydreaming about the feisty Marlena moments of their marriage, “Sorry, right now what?”

“John-” Marlena is pleased that she can still distract him so much that he doesn’t hear what she is saying. “Promise me, promise right now, that you would never do that. You would never see me and just walk away without saying anything.” The intensity in her eyes and statement causes John’s mouth to go dry as he more mouths “I promise” then actually saying it. Studying him closely, “You never have before, right?”

“No, this is the first Marlena sighting I’ve had and I did say hello.”

“And you always will.”

Catching her eyes to make sure she knows how serious he is, “I always will.”

Me, the one who really knows you

Me, the one whose heart you’ve broken

Me, the one who was still hopin’

You might be missing me

With that, he gets her to look over at their joined hands and sheepishly, Marlena releases his and apologizes as they both examine the fingernail marks. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.” He takes the last sip of his drink and turns quickly to toss it into the nearby trash can. “I haven’t asked, because as always, you are excellent at focusing the conversation on everyone else, but you. How are you doing?  Really.”

There is a noticeable shift in her demeanor.  One that he cannot really read, but John knows that he is about to get the truth, “I’ve been okay, I guess.  The kids have always kept me so busy most of the time and then there is work.  So I am just starting to realize that there will frequently be an empty house now, especially once Sami moves to campus housing.  So, um, that fact is just starting to sink in. I haven’t had to face all the free time and silence that I’ll be getting. Maybe Carrie will need wedding planning help.”

“Won’t be that quiet, you’ll still have Roman around.”

“Yeah.  I guess.”

John had kept Roman’s name out of the conversation and it hasn’t gone unnoticed that she had not brought him up in any way either. There isn’t enough time currently for him to analyze that information, but he knows he will on the plane later. John knows he should move the conversation along and shouldn’t want to go to where he is about to, yet he, also, cannot stop himself, “Marlena, are things okay between you two?” The moment the question leaves his lips, he wants to take it back. His heart can’t take an update on their happy marriage, even though he should be happy for her. However, it is the light sadness that takes over her features that causes John to think he might be incorrect. 

“Yeah, things are just fine.  He’s…”  She shrugs her shoulders and focuses on anything that isn’t him, “Roman just works a lot, always has. He works mostly with the ISA now, he started stepping away from the department three, four years ago, so he’s gone alot.  Makes it hard.  Makes all of this even harder, I guess, because I will be on my own. Not that the twins were around a lot, but at least they still needed me for money or dinner now and then. Or I’d heard them screaming at each other over something ridiculous.”

“Oh, they will still need money, I’m sure. You’ll get the phone calls.” He gets the slight smile from her that he was hoping for. A little break in the tension. But the air gets heavy again as John says honestly, “I’m sorry, Doc. I can only imagine what that change will feel like and to do it mostly alone-” He receives a quick glance because of his bitter tone, but it ever turns into a glare, so he knows that he is not offending her. Instead, John realizes that he needs to pull back from this conversation before he does say some things that he would later regret. 

And he already has too much to regret. 

But before he can change the topic or say that it is time for him to start making his way back to his gate, Marlena states, “It’s not like when you were around. The truth of the matter is, that Roman went from being home and spending as much time as possible with the kids and I, to just never being around. And I’m pretty used to it, so it’s not like I’m struggling with Roman being gone, I’ve just never not had the twins around.” Batting her bangs out of her eyes, “I’m ashamed to admit that I tried to convince Sami, just briefly and then came to my senses, but tried to convince her to live at home and commute. How awful is that?”

He reaches out for her shoulder, “Not awful, Doc. Just human.”

“Sami, Eric and Carrie have had their struggles. I see that now that they are older and basically adults – well Carrie, obviously, is one. But I can see how much our situation affected them. In so many tiny ways that you would never think about- -” Her eyes fly up to his, and she is shocked by her own rambling, “I’m so sorry, what am I doing here? We are in an airport and it’s been a lifetime, but…” John gets lost in the smile that is aimed at him. It is the one that he sees in his dreams. It is pure and perfect and seems to make everything right in the world. He feels that there isn’t anything better than being the recipient of one. “You were always the person that I could open up to so easily and that hasn’t changed.”

He squeezes her shoulder, but then decides to reach out with his other and gently circle her neck, “I hope that it never does.”

“I put them through so much-” A tear starts to slip down her cheek, “- and I just hope that this independence allows all three of them to forge a path for themselves.”

“We put them through, Doc.” At her questioning look, John explains, “We, not just you. It was Stefano’s fault and Roman and I played just as much of a role in all of the decisions as you did. In all honesty, he and I probably made it all so much harder. But, we’ve talked about this.”

“Did we, John?  Because I don’t remember.”

We don’t have to do this

We don’t have to act like friends

As much as I would love to

I really just don’t think I can

You don’t have to tell me that you really love me

After all we have been through

‘Cause this is me you’re talking to

He looks at her strangely, because John knows Marlena has not forgotten their final chat. Even if they wanted to blacken it all out from their memory, the emotions were so high that day that it is impossible to erase, “What do you mean you don’t remember?”

“I remember you telling me that you had it all figured out, deciding what was best, and then informing me that you decided that you would leave Salem. I remember that clearly. I also remember the kind note you left me when you did decide to leave.”

Her voice has risen a bit and Marlena looks around quickly to see if she was catching anybody’s attention. John leans into her more and allows his fingers to curl into her hair at the base of her neck, “You are making it sound like I decided everything and you had no say. I only chose that course of action after we almost slept together again and you told me that you were going to recommit yourself to your marriage and your family. You know, the original one.”

“And then you left.”

“I had no choice. And we aren’t going to get into this right now.”

Marlena looks at John in a curious way, causing his heart to skip a beat and he ponders if she doesn’t believe him, “Could have chosen to stay.”

“I guess we are getting into this.” He lets his hands slide along the side of her head and down to her jawline, “That wasn’t a choice, Doc. You know that. We had an affair, survived Maison Blanche, and what? I was just to go back to the sideline? You know that couldn’t have been a choice for me. I had nothing left in Salem and I sure as hell wasn’t going to force myself to stay there and live like a zombie.”

“No, instead, you do that everywhere else in the world.” 

His facial expression shows that her comment hit the way she intended it to, as she frustratingly brushes a tear from her cheek and watches him swallow hard. John doesn’t know if he should let her go or not, but as he tells his hands to pull back, they won’t. “Yeah, maybe I do.” He decides that there is no reason not to be honest, “But it is a little bit easier to get out of bed every morning in London or LA, than it was in Salem. I was dying there. The pain, Marlena, the pain wasn’t going to go away, and since I still feel it-” His hands finally pull away to settle at his chest, “I know I was right. But I can distract myself elsewhere.”

The silence hits again, but this time neither seem to mind it because it is less painful than words right now. John, again, tells himself that it is time to make the goodbyes and for him to run away, but also again, Marlena interrupts his thoughts, “When did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That you had to leave, rather than stay in Salem?”

“Oh, eh.” John takes a moment to ponder the question. “I’m not sure-”

“I have always wondered if you decided and left immediately or-” She pauses for a moment as she tries to figure out why John is smirking at her so, but she doesn’t inquire in order to find out that it is because of her frequent interrupting, “if you knew for a while and our conversation was the push you needed.”

“The twins’ baseball game.”  It blurts out and at her questioning look, John almost rushes to explain, “You couldn’t be there and Roman arrived late.  When I got there and just… I dunno.  I fell into the dad role. I was asked to take over first base coach and I was cheering and coaching and then Roman showed up. The boys were about to take the field again and I was giving some instructions in the huddle, when Roman patted my shoulder and thanked me for standing in, but that he would take it from there.” He’s lost in the memory as the anger bubbles up throughout his body and his fists clench, “It was right in front of the kids, Doc, so all I could do was agree. I was so angry, but I didn’t want to start a fight in front of the kids. We had been so much of that over the years… what was it? Three years? It was the first time that I truly and clearly realized that I wasn’t dad anymore and that I didn’t belong in that huddle. For three years, we all struggled, fought, dealt with the tension and anger and if we hadn’t figured it out by then, we never would. And I couldn’t bear to see somebody else take over, especially when,” John turns to look out towards the window and watch a plane taxi towards the gate. 

“When what, John?”

“When I didn’t feel that he could do it as well as I had.” Marlena can see a bit of tension release from his body, as if he has found some sort of peace having said that out loud. “It was hard enough living in the grey area, but that day I felt like I was shown the back door.”

“They could have used that father. In a way, they still could.”

“Marlena, they have a father and he is all anybody needs there. I know because he told me that on a number of occasions, including that baseball game. And the airport really isn’t the place for this therapy session.”

She smiles bittersweetly at him and shakes her head, “How can I believe you John, when you don’t even believe it yourself?”

“That I don’t want a therapy session?”

“That there was no place for you. You say it, but I can tell, you don’t believe it. You wonder what the other options might have been, I see it in your eyes. Even after all this time, they tell me everything.”

“Maybe I’m full of shit, Marlena, but there is no taking it back.”

“No, but you can change course.”

“No, I can’t.”

Tilting her head, she looks at her coffee cup and then back up at him. Her bangs fall and hide most of her left eye from his view, “When did you become so cynical?”

“The day I left Salem.”  John checks his watch and realizes that it’s getting very close to his flight time. This is not the way that he wanted this meet and greet to go or more importantly, this is not the way that he wants to leave it. In truth, he couldn’t really tell you what he wanted nor what he expected by this conversation in an airport, but now that it is time to part, his heart hurts. “My flight is probably loading and I’m sure yours won’t be too long now either.” He snickers at himself, “I don’t know why I said that, since I have no idea what time your flight is at. But I know it’s time for me to go, so, like your cheesy movies taught me, it’s time for Barbra to start singing and for Robert, that would be me, to take a deep breath and walk away.”

Marlena is openly crying now and the crack in his heart shatters, “I’m not going to sing.” His laugh warms her soul and she tries to memorize everything about the sound. There are nights where she tries to remember their conversations, his deep voice, and the energy of his belly laugh. Some nights, she fears she will forget it all, but now, it is strong in her mind again. 

“Hey hey hey… don’t cry.” He reaches for her again, cupping the sides of her jaw and pulling her closer. As he says, “I hate to see you cry, you know that,” Marlena wraps her arms around his, and John can feel the edge of her coffee cup scrape against his elbow. “And you also know that I tend to cry when I watch you. I am not emotionally strong enough right now and I don’t want to go on the plane blubbering like an idiot. So, can we agree to hug, say goodbye and be grateful we saw each other?”

“And that I have some contact information for you.”

“Yeah, Doc. I even gave you my cell number. Please use it, I would love to hear from you.”

“Would you?”

“Yeah,” tears fill his eyes, “we ripped the band-aid off here and as I said, I am not strong enough to just walk away and pretend it was not wonderful to see you, touch you.”

“Hug me?”

“You betcha.” He uses his grip on her face to pull her closer, before moving his arms around her shoulders and pulling her tightly to his chest. His right hand reaches up to slide into her hair and hold her head firmly against him. Marlena’s body quakes softly from her crying and John allows his own tears to fall as he kisses the top of her head.   

Me, the one who really knows you

Me, the one whose heart you’ve broken

Me, the one who was still hopin’

You might be missing me

“This isn’t fair. We need more time.” 

“A lifetime wouldn’t be enough time, Doc.” She holds him tighter and he believes himself when he said he wasn’t strong enough. John worries that he will not be able to let her go. For six years, he has not been able to touch her much less hold her in his arms. And now that it has happened, he fears the pain that his body will feel when he pulls back, not knowing when he’ll ever get to do it again. “And I am sorry that I used what little time we had the way we did. Apologize to whoever that was that I rudely interrupted your conversation with. If you are flying together, you will have quite the story to fill them in on.”

He is trying to keep things light, but her fingertips make contact with his cheek before spreading out and allowing the palm to slide across my jaw. John reaches up and grabs Marlena’s fingers, first kissing them before kissing her palm. She relaxes further into his arms for another few seconds and he can both feel and see the effort she puts forth to push away from his chest. 

Marlena’s fingers circle over an area on his shirt, “I’m so sorry, my makeup left a smudge.”

“A little parting gift.” Her frown deepens and John reaches up a hand to cup her cheek, allowing a thumb to slide slowly over her cheek and take a mental snapshot of the slight changes that have occurred over the years. When he lays in bed at night, he wants to remember her smell, her smile, the way her lips part as she is thinking, and, like now, how she becomes hypnotized by their gaze. Most nights he can remember it all so well, others, it seems faded. But now, it all has come soaring back and in that moment, John worries that he has majorly fucked them up with coming over to say ‘hi.’ 

The question, will this be a regret, runs through his mind. 

This time it is John that has to use all of his effort to step back completely, and says almost awkwardly, “Let’s try this again sometime.”

“Yeah. When we have more time to catch up.”

John returns her smile, “That’s a fact.”

They share a nod and then John leans forward to kiss her cheek and whispers a soft “Take care” into her ear.

“You too.”  Her words come out more mouthed than spoken and John holds his breath to keep the pain at bay as he turns to grab his two bags and step away.

Arranging the two straps more firmly on his shoulder,  John stops upon hearing her call his name.  Turning, he acknowledges Marlena as she takes a few short steps to clear the distance between them, “Eric will be playing soccer for F.I.T and Sami will be playing tennis, they may be eighteen, but they still could use somebody on the sideline cheering them on, ordering them about.”

“Marlena-“

“Seriously John. I know that you miss them and I know that they do need you still. I hate myself that I have waited this long to tell you that and couldn’t let you go without saying it now.  Think about it. I’ll get their phone numbers and addresses to you once everything is settled. After the initial shock wears off, they would be so happy.” Reaching out to touch his hand, “It would do them a world of good. Besides, it may even do you a bit of good.”

“And what about Roman?”

“Not an excuse.” John leaves that statement where it is and files the look on her face away for future study and analysis. Instead, he simply nods his head and hears his flight receiving a final boarding call. Meeting his eyes, Marlena smiles and steps back, “You gotta go. I’ve missed you so, just so you know.” 

Oh, and you don’t have to say that you do

This is me you’re talking to

This is me you’re talking to

John goes to wave, but it is pointless as she has already turned and is walking back towards her bag. He stands for a moment, thinking about how he should change his flight and go to Florida with her. He wants to screw reality and the consequences. The emotions that are building up within him are making his fingers tingle as he wants to turn around and look back at her again. He wants to do something. But he doesn’t. 

Instead, he moves down the B hallway, reaching into his back pocket for the ticket to Kansas City.   

This could very well be the seventh regret.

“This Is Me You’re Talking To”

Trisha Yearwood/Tommy Lee James/Karyn Rochelle

Seventh Regret 2: It’s Just One More

Then you start looking for more. They become the simplest way out of any remotely complicated issue. Humans run. Humans hide. Therefore, humans regret, for they know not how to right the complex wrongs of their world.

~Howard Hawkes

The marble floors coupled with the high ceilings and never-ending wall of windows create the most interesting echoes. Yesterday, in the chaos, it created a cacophony of noise, but this early in the morning, she is alone and every step she takes causes a little flitter of noise along the floor. Marlena steps slowly, enjoying the sound mixed with the hum of the fountain, while her eyes take in the breathtaking view of palm trees, grass, and water outside. 

Holding her briefcase in both hands, she allows it to bump against the fronts of her thighs as she moves towards a blue sign so large that it is blocking the accompanying table from view. Marlena looks over the table, her lips moving slowly with the words as she reads “International Conference on Biological and Cognitive Psychology” and a list of breakout sessions and events. Quickly realizing that it is yesterday’s schedule, not today’s, she turns around to move back towards the coral marble fountain with small swans carved out of the centerpiece. Her finger reaches out to trace along the head and neck of the swan, concentrating on the coolness of the marble against her skin. 

Yesterday had been the first of the three day conference and was the easiest day for Marlena because she had no responsibilities except to choose which sessions to participate in and learn from doctors, scientists, and researchers across the globe. It did not take her long to realize why the Miami conference is so coveted with the broad span of topics and knowledge being offered. Today, though, the anxiety has started to set in, causing her to be awake far too early and being unable to sit and relax, resulting in her being one of first people to arrive at the convention center that morning. The schedule has her presenting at 4:15 about her research on hypnosis and memory recovery, a lecture that she has given a dozen times now but never on this grand of scale. 

Marlena taps the marble a few times and releases a long breath, before rolling her shoulders and moving back towards the windows. She has nearly ten hours before her lecture and she isn’t sure that she will make it if she cannot shake off some of this tension. As she looks out the windows, her mind wanders thinking about how strange palm trees look. She prefers the fullness of the trees back home, yet as winter has set in back home, she isn’t sad about the warmth, the sun, and the gorgeous lakes found wherever you look. The view out the window makes her feel like she is in a completely different world. 

In truth, she has needed the getaway, even if it is work related. With Sami having moved into a campus apartment with friends, Marlena has found her evenings to be mostly quiet. It didn’t take her long to realize that she was either spending more time than necessary in her office or sitting with a glass of wine, contemplating her life choices since birth. Neither is a healthy choice, but they are the current choices. This conference gave her a purpose from applying to speak a few months back to tweaking her research and presentation over the past few weeks. Being around other people with similar interests and talking with people who are interested in her thoughts and ideas has already proven to be the correct decision for her. Yesterday was full of delightful conversations and even offered up a few ideas on how to further her research and maybe a person to speak to about continuing to unlock her own missing memories. But overall, the attention that she has been receiving is what she has been craving and missing more than anything else. 

“No, this is not even possible. What are the odds that we go six years with no contact and now have randomly bumped into each other twice in a year.”

Marlena can see his reflection in the windows, standing a few steps behind her. Lost in thought, she didn’t hear the soft echo of his sneakers, but upon seeing him, a smile instantly brightens her features. “Well, technically it was once last year and once this.”

“Okay, fine, twice in a, what-” His hands spread out in front of him, “four – five months? I think that is excellent progress.”

Turning towards him, she takes in his casual gym shorts and t-shirt attire and they both notice how her eyes sweep over his muscular arms and thighs before addressing him, “I appreciate your dress casual approach, but no coffee this time?”

“Had I known! I can run somewhere…” Looking around only partially playfully, “somewhere in this place is coffee.”

Laughing at him, Marlena waves him off and steps towards him. At his polite backing away and warning about how he just finished his morning run and work out and how she didn’t want his skank all over her, she whispers, “I’m willing to risk it” as she hugs him tightly. From previous years practice, she keeps her arms around his shoulder blades, always the less sweaty option than encircling his waist. “What on Earth brings you here? It can’t possibly be the Psychiatry Convention.”

“Well, no. But I would make a wonderful test subject, would I not?” At her slight blush and the diverting of her eyes, John chuckles, “Oh God, I am a test subject, aren’t I? What do you do, a little lecture- a presentation about me? Are there pictures? Do you need a recent update picture so they can know what a devilishly handsome and charming man I am? Also single, so maybe I can get a date out of this.”

Her increased anxiety and lack of sleep has her giggling harder at his statements than she typically would, but it dies out at his mention of being single and a date. Information that her heart takes in that he is single, but then she is saddened that she would be happy that he is alone. She hadn’t asked at their last run-in, but had checked his hand for a wedding band and noticed there were no signs of one. However, she never asked him about his personal life, and he didn’t offer much besides mentioning the ladies that cooked for him in England and moving around a lot. In the months since, her mind has played through every word he said, every look, and every touch. What she has been looking for in those memories are unknown to her. Their two brief phone conversations also did not offer a lot of personal reflection. Perhaps both are equally afraid of the Pandora’s Box that would be opened if they ever started. Or perhaps, both are afraid they would only hear information that would break their hearts again. 

“We spoke not that long ago, about the wedding, and you didn’t mention traveling. You sounded like you were going to be in Los Angeles for some time.”

“Yeah, I’ll admit I don’t love it there.”

Smiling at his playful tone, Marlena shakes her head, “No? I’m shocked. So you came to Miami?”

“Well, not exactly.” Clasping his hands together, “I went back to Kansas City because I enjoyed it there, great barbecue. Could drive around and get somewhere in the same day. I’m actually here for a convention as well. There is an International Security thing happening, starting today, for the weekend. So I came to check out a few technology related discussions, facial recognition, Artificial Intelligence, controlling your house’s locks and security system from a device, like a cellphone. A lot that I have on the docket are crazy concepts and I can’t even begin to see how they would work, but with this technology renaissance happening, I don’t want my company being left in the dust.”

“Now, I don’t mean this the way that it is about to come out, but don’t you have someone in your company that has more skills in this area to be attending than you?”

“You mean younger? More tech savvy? I’m quite tech savvy, just so you know.” As Marlena raises an eyebrow in a way that he knows is mocking him, John smiles, “In all honesty, I have done a good job of keeping up to date, but yes, I have better people. I have brought a couple here with me because I am thinking of creating a separate division and have no idea what that would look like or what they would be working on exactly–” He fades off and shrugs his shoulders. 

“So you are hoping that the conversation would have some suggestions, help give you a starting point.”

“You still know how to read my thoughts. Incredible. And yes, to all of that. I am sure many companies are already on this and am hoping to steal some ideas, maybe find someone so generous that they would allow us a visit.” His eyes move to the clock on the wall, “I hate to do this.”

“You have to go, I understand. I should start to organize my day too. Find coffee.”

“Gotta have some somewhere, right?” John’s expression shifts to playful intrigue because of the way she is looking at him, “What – you are studying me funny and I can’t read your expression.”

“Oh, sorry! I was just marveling at how much of a morning person you are. I’m up because I am too nervous to sleep and here you are, all energy.” She looks down, smiling at her own memory before meeting his eyes again, “I almost forgot how much of a contrast we were.”

“Yeah, but it made for such cute mornings.”

Leaning forward as she laughs with him, Marlena swipes her bangs back out of her eyes, “Cute? You always told people that mornings were the only thing that could possibly cause us to divorce.”

Softly, “Guess I was wrong, huh?” Before the mood can shift too much from the implications of his comment, he snaps then claps his hands together before pointing at her. The gesture is so familiar that Marlena can’t stop her heart from simultaneously racing and hurting. “Tell you what, have dinner with me. Or lunch. Or whatever fits into your schedule.”

“I present at 4 and then should be free-”

“Present? Really? That’s awesome, I was more teasing before, I didn’t realize that you were one of the presenters. Tell me about it at dinner? I want to hear all about your research and patients and well – me. 7 O’Clock?”

“Sure, that should work. Where?”

“I have no idea. Let me figure it out. You’re staying here at the hotel, right?” At her nod, “Check in with the concierge after your presentation and I’ll leave a message with them on location. I will meet you there.” Seeing her nod, John catches her gaze, “Okay? You’ll be there?”

“I promise.” 

He quickly leans in and kisses her cheek before moving away from her. As he walks, he turns his upper body back towards her, “Knock’em dead.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Something’s got a hold of me lately

No, I don’t know myself anymore

Feels like the walls are all closin’ in

And the devil’s knockin’ at my door, whoa

“Have I mentioned how stunning that dress is on you?”

A small hand lifts to cover the pink spreading across her right cheek, as Marlena looks directly at the top of her wine glass. As she lifts it to her lips, her eyes also lift to meet his own, and neither blink as she takes a long sip. The earthy flavor of the Sirah rolls over her tongue before swallowing and allowing it to influence her response, “I’m not sure you have in the last five minutes.” Leaning forward, she watches as John’s eyes fall to her breasts that are barely being held inside the low cut red fabric and she can’t help but smirk as he tries to look back at her face, but momentarily gets distracted looking down again. Placing her glass back down, she purposely lowers her shoulders allowing better access for his stare, “John,” Marlena’s voice is close to a purr and causes his heart to skip a beat and adjust his position in his seat, “what, exactly, makes this dress more stunning than other dresses?”

“Are you asking for my professional opinion?”

Her nose squishes in the adorable way that displays her confusion, “What profession do you have that involves dresses?”

“Okay, poor choice of words. Are you looking for my…” His eyebrow raises playfully as he finishes “manly opinion?” He barely finishes the word as they both slip into healthy laughter. 

Leaning back in her chair, she notices the disappointment in John’s face, but focuses on clutching her side, “We have to stop laughing, I’m starting to cramp. I haven’t laughed this hard or this much in so long.”

John swirls the last of his wine before downing it, “We used to laugh a lot. You and I. I loved sitting on the couch after the kids were asleep and just talking with you and I just never knew where the conversation would lead.”

Nodding, “We did have a lot of fun. Our time together was brief…” She pauses as she gets lost in images flying through her mind, “Brief but wonderfully happy.” Silence takes over the table as both adults are overtaken with a time gone by of a couple eating snacks while watching TV together, laughing at a cheesy dad joke, chasing each other around the house or backyard, and comforting each other on hard days. Memory after memory ends with the two in each other’s arms, their breath catching and their lips meeting to show, rather than tell, their love for one another. Clearing her throat, “Is there any more wine in that bottle?”

“Yeah, a bit.” John tips the bottle up and over her glass before flagging down their server. “James, we could use another bottle of wine.”

“Same bottle, sir? Or something different.”

“I saw that you had a white from Horse Heaven Hills on the menu, any chance you have something of theirs in a red?”

“I’m unsure, sir. But I will definitely look.”

“If you do, bring a bottle of it. If not, whichever of your Zins that you would recommend.”

James nods at the instructions and asks two things before stepping away, “Would you two like new glasses for the new bottle? And is there anything else I can get for you while you wait?”

Looking over at Marlena, he takes in her shake of the head, “No, we are all fine here and no new glasses necessary, thank you. Appreciate it.”

After the server moves out of ear shot, Marlena states, “I like James.”

“And James likes you.”

Marlena smirks and giggles lightly, “No, James likes you. James would have liked seeing you earlier today in your shorts and t-shirt, muscles rippling and sweaty.”

John is caught unprepared for Marlena’s exaggerated description and grimaces from the burning in his nose, “Ow, I nearly shot wine out my nose there, Doc. Wasn’t expecting that.”

“I know. It’s why I did it, but pretty sure I’m not wrong. And I can’t blame James.”

“Dr. Evans, if I didn’t know you better, I would say that you are flirting with me.”

Whispering honestly, “It’s as natural as breathing.” 

Out of my mind, how many times

Did I tell you I’m no good at bein’ alone?

Yeah, it’s takin’ a toll on me, tryin’ my best to keep

From tearin’ the skin off my bones, don’t you know

I lose control

As their conversation continues, they are interpreted by James returning with a bottle of Horse Heaven Hills. As Marlena finishes off her glass and allows James to take care of the wine, she lets her mind ponder John’s use of her maiden name. She has had the Brady tag to her name since their first meeting and she cannot recall if he was still using it before he left Salem or not. Their evening had been kept light with fun conversation, laughs and small flirting, allowing everything to come naturally and both seemingly deciding that tonight was not the time to open up any old wounds or plow through a therapy session. Their airport meeting held a tense quality to it as both were overwhelmed with shock and awe at seeing each other after so many years and they fell into that awkward summarizing that happens after a long time apart. Having spoken twice since on the phone, they seem to have found a more natural comfort in each other’s presence. Reaching for her glass, she inquires, “What is so special about this place?”

“The vineyard?” At her nod, “It’s in Washington and I visited it a few years ago. Family-owned since the 40’s. I liked…” He puts his nose into his glass, inhaling the aroma, before placing the glass back down. He slides the stem between his pointer and middle finger and swirls the liquid around quickly, “Having done a decent amount of tastings in California, I liked Horse Heaven’s simplicity. They weren’t trying too hard, weren’t trying to do anything but make a food wine. None of this, literal cow manure or sheep hyde bullshit. Also, they weren’t pretentious.”

With her nose in her glass, “I smell berries – like jam and vanilla. But, I taste -” She takes another little sample and allows the wine to sit just inside her lips.

“Try adding just a little bit of air in. Without choking is the key.”

Doing as instructed, Marlena’s eyes widen as she swallows, “Oh my! That completely changed the flavor profile – like I was thinking that earthy, similar to the last bottle, but then got hit with… what is it? Leather. Yeah, does that sound insane? But, like, I just licked a leather belt and plum.”

“I get the leather – plum is interesting. I have a bit sweeter with a blackberry. We sound so posh – look at us all sophisticated. Remember when we bought the 2.99 special at the Super Duper? Now we have Mourvedre, in fancy crystal wine goblets. We have moved up in the world.” Appreciatively, “And this is really good.”

She briefly wonders about the price of the wine that they have had this evening, but decides that isn’t the path that she wishes to take. John’s wealth is known and anything more is none of her business and she knows that he would much prefer that they enjoy their time together. And again, such questioning could lead the two down a conversation path that they are avoiding. Minus a little bit of inquiring about the kids – their schooling and Carrie’s wedding plans and a basic inquiry about how each are doing – John and Marlena have allowed an invisible bubble to encircle them where nothing outside of the current moment exists. In many ways, it is a dangerous decision to allow themselves access to such a private world, but they have both fallen into it so naturally. Silently, they have acknowledged that they need this. 

“So Doc, we have talked wine, food, your presentation today -”

Interrupting him, “Which I still cannot believe you snuck into and listened to.”

“There is nobody I have ever trusted more than you and you helped me so much through – well, through all the various forms of memory loss and manipulation that I have been through. I am really proud of what you have accomplished. And I wanted to hear what you had to say, send some support, and frankly, watch everyone be amazed by you, like I am”

“Thank you” is more mouthed than said. Sipping her wine, she uses the moment to pull back the emotions floating towards her eyes and then she carefully inquires, “Are you – sorry, I have to ask, are you seeing anyone? About your memories, that is? Any changes or additions?”

“No-” He pauses then adds with a smirk, “to both versions of the question. My interest in the puzzle of my past comes and goes. I’ll be honest and say that I haven’t done very much about it. I have dreams on occasion and I do write them down. But that is about it. And-” He puts his finger up to stop her, “if I ever decide to, I will consult you for guidance.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. And as I was saying, we have hit all of the friendly, conversationalist topics – is that even a word?” At Marlena’s laugh, John smiles, “I think, if you will allow me, I think, pretty lady, that it is time for us to dance.”

He stands and Marlena’s eyes take their time moving up his body to his eyes, before taking his offered hand with an “Alright sailor, lead the way” and following him out to the dance floor. 

When you’re not next to me (when you’re not here with me)

I’m fallin’ apart right in front of you, can’t you see?

I lose control

When you’re not next to me, mm-hm

Wordlessly, the two step together. As she moves her hips to the rhythm of the conga drum, her fingers come in contact with the bottom of his white dress shirt. As she moves, she can feel the thick fabric of the top of his pants bump against her fingertips, then she flattens her palms. Her hazel eyes watch her hands, almost too scared to look into his eyes, as they slowly move up his chest, all the while her body moves to the music and John stands frozen in place. As she moves towards his shoulders, she slips her hands under his suit coat pushing it off his broad shoulders and down his arms. As the jacket hangs by his elbows, pinning his arms to his side, Marlena spins, grinding her entire backside against his chest. She allows her head to fall back against the shoulder that once held the jacket before spinning herself again to be behind him. 

John’s head turns to try and watch her, but he finds that her grip on his jacket is firmly trapping his arms and limiting his movement. His body is beyond stimulated and his lips quietly mumble, “Public” to try to remind him that dozens of eyes are potentially on them, but he makes no attempt to stop her. Every nerve ending is on high alert and wanting to reach out for her, yet, at the same time, he is too afraid to move. Allowing her to continue her dance behind him, John concentrates on slowing his breathing until she pulls the jacket from his arms. 

She whispers in his left ear, causing a shiver to run through his whole body, “I don’t think you’ll need this.”

There is a sense of loss that comes over him as she does a half walk, half cha-cha over to their table to dispose of the jacket. Watching as Marlena lays the piece of clothing over the back of the chair, still moving her hips to the beat, John licks his lower lip and uncuffs his shirt. As he rolls one sleeve, his eyes study every movement of her body. The red dress hugs every curve as if it was painted on her. The gold zipper up the back makes him itch to run his finger from the base of her neck straight down and over her ass. His hands desperately want to reach out and grab her ass, so instead, he focuses them at rolling up his other sleeve and watches as she turns slightly for him to appreciate her strong arms, the small bump from her hip bone and deliciously long legs. The hem of her dress falls just above her knee, but with her movements has risen up enough to give him a hint of the creamy flesh of her thighs. 

Yeah, you’re breakin’ my heart, baby

You make a mess of me

Reaching out a hand to her, Marlena takes it and squeals as he spins her into his body and then back out again, before stepping forward and meeting her half way as their chests make contact and John’s hand travels across that hip bone to her lower back. His body instantly reacts to her breasts being pushed up against him and his mind immediately starts thinking about cupping them in his hands and running his tongue over her nipples. Marlena smirks, knowing the effect she is having on him, and instead of stepping back, she places her leg between his own, and moves her hips first to the right with the beat and then slowly to the left. The moment brushes her thigh along his groin. At John’s low growl, she laughs heartily, but is caught by surprise as John pushes her away and steps off to the side to pull her backside into him. 

His voice is husky, and causes a shiver to run this time through her body, “You seem to be enjoying the rhythm section.”

“Miami heat, Cuban music, hard not to move with it.” 

Problematic

Problem is I want your body like a fiend, like a bad habit

Bad habits hard to break when I’m with you

Yeah, I know, I could do it on my own

But I want that real full moon black magic and it takes two

With his right palm flattened along her abdomen, John’s lips are barely a whisper away from her skin and she finds herself breathing at the same rapid pace that he is. Together, their hips move in unison, both concentrating on the heat of each other’s body and the delicious friction that the movements are making, rather than rational thoughts about what they currently are doing and the dangerous path that they are on. John was honest during their conversation at the airport that the baseball game caused him to leave town, but that was merely the tipping point. He had to get away from her, because after she walked away from him and chose Roman a second time, his heart couldn’t survive the rejection. He tried, partially because he had hoped that if he kept pursuing her, that she would see that they were meant to be. But in the end, he was just destroying them both. And yet, here he is, over six years later, with only a handful of hours spent in the same room together, John has Marlena’s body pulled tightly against his own with no attempts to hide his arousal. Marlena, the obvious instigator of this whole thing, has him confused. Does she not know the direction that they are quickly heading? They have proven incapable of stepping away once they hit a certain point of arousal and Marlena is showing no signs of pulling away.    

As John’s palm applies more pressure to her abdomen, his fingers spread open and he buries his fingertips into the red fabric. Marlena, her arms go above her head to try to wrap them around his neck, but she finds that she cannot arch her back the way she needs to in order to be successful and instead, allows them to fall to her sides, gripping his hips. As one song finishes and moves into another, John can feel the pressure of her fingers increase, until her nails dig firmly into his pant legs. He enjoys the bit of pressure that he can feel beneath the fabric and he knows without the pants between them, she would be drawing blood. 

As his left hand slowly trails from her bare shoulder to her wrist, John’s husky voice moves along the side of her head, “This dress shows off your incredible figure, every curve.” She can feel his eyes on her breasts again, but it is his left hand trailing from her wrist to her hip and then just slightly onto the curve of her buttocks that causes a moan to slip between her lips.

Breathlessly, “I’m glad I packed it.”

Kneading the flesh beneath his fingers, John smirks as Marlena moans again, “Who were you planning on impressing, Doc?”

“Some unsuspecting server or bartender.” As the music shifts again and slows, Marlena turns in his grasp and slides her arms around his neck. “Sometimes it’s nice to wear something that makes me feel sexy and enjoy the occasional stare while enjoying a drink.”

“Occasional stare, my ass. So many men-” Raising a playful eyebrow at her, “and a few women, are quite turned on right now from watching you.”

“Only worried about one person in particular.”

John swallows and chooses humor, “It’s James, right? Cause I’d turn gay for him.”

“I think the three of us could have some fun.”

At John’s shocked reaction to her comment, Marlena tosses her head back and laughs freely. Blue eyes study the creamy skin exposed before him and he allows himself to react on instinct, as he leans down and places an open mouth kiss to the center of her throat. He can feel, more than hear, her intake of breath as his blood rushes to his crotch. 

Silence takes over the two and John uses the moment to take a deep breath. He is acting on impulse rather than thought and is aware that his erection is becoming hard enough that not only is Marlena aware, but the entire restaurant will soon be if he isn’t careful. A part of his mind chastises himself for this display of sexual interest to a married woman, but the other half firmly reminds himself that this is Marlena and the only thing his body can do is react. He has never stopped dreaming about her, in particular of her in his arms and in his bed. Over the years, the time between dreams would increase, but they never went away and now, since their meeting in New York City, he can’t get her out of his head. Every bit of her is so fresh in his mind again, now even more so. She only has to look at him with a soft expression and a tilt of her head and his body reacts. Tonight, her breasts and ass are impossible not to stare at and that only leads his mind in one downward direction. 

Problematic

Problem is when I’m with you, I’m an addict

And I need some relief, my skin in your teeth

Can’t see the forest through the trees

The part that has him the most surprised is Marlena. She has been the active flirt between the two of them and has shown no hesitation in her actions, no second guessing, no apologies nor regret. Even her comment about packing the dress will be something that he will have to ponder at a future moment. What are the implications of her planning to socialize in this dress? Does she do this often or is this a new thing? And why does she need it? That last question is the one that he knows he will spend hours of his life on, but for right now, he plans to enjoy the opportunity to have her close again, even if it is only briefly. 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“My thoughts of you are priceless, Doc.”

He smiles wide at her genuine reaction of awe and how it instantly brings a tear to her eye. “Sorry, wow, that apparently hit a little emotional nerve there.” Smiling brightly up at him, “Thank you.” 

As they dance through the next song, John whispers in her ear, “Doc, I am loving every moment of this and really don’t want to stop, but, I’m going to need a little distance put between us or I’m going to really embarrass myself here.”

He cannot read her expression as she pushes back from him. His heart stops, worried that he said something wrong, but unsure as to what. Marlena, instead, walks over to the table and picks up her clutch and the bottle of wine, before walking towards the exit. John quickly grabs his jacket and indicates towards James to bill his room. Taking out his wallet, he puts absurdly too much for a tip down on the table, because he finds that his brain is unable to process math or just numbers in general. Then he follows after her, refusing to allow his brain to think about consequences. 

Got me down on my knees, darlin’ please, oh

I lose control

When you’re not next to me (when you’re not here with me)

I’m fallin’ apart right in front of you, can’t you see?

I lose control

Not wanting to run, John allows his long strides to carry him across the outdoor seating area and into a random hallway of the hotel. The coloring along the wall is loud and would normally cause him to pause, but his focus is on the open elevator door. As he steps in, he quickly pushes the ‘door close’ button multiple times, but swears under his breath as an obvious businessman catches the closing doors and steps inside. John makes no motion to move away from the panel, but also does not inquire what floor the man needs. ‘He can royally fuck off’ filters through John’s mind. 

The guy clears his throat and says, “eighth floor please.” But when John doesn’t remove his eyes from the woman across the elevator, he awkwardly leans across John and hits the button himself. 

Marlena’s hazel eyes are on John and she feels that they have entered a staring contest, something that she refuses to lose. Instead, she fixes on his blue eyes and carefully lifts her right leg to slide her stiletto off. Then, juggling the items in her possession, she lifts her other to do the same. Her feet hurt, mainly from a lack of practice in 4 inch heels, but she also wants complete balance and therefore control once she enters her hotel room. 

John, on the other hand, has been counting the buzzes indicating the passing of the floors and when eight finally arrives, he resists the urge to pull the guy by the shirt and toss him out. As soon as he passes him, John begins hitting the ‘close door’ button again – wanting no new visitors. The lift begins again towards lucky number thirteen and John takes one large step towards Marlena. He watches her eyes widen in surprise at the quickness of his movements. His palms flatten on the metal wall, located on each side of her head. Without her heels, he seems to tower over her and he makes no other move. The two remain there, in that position, frozen by the intensity of each other’s stare and the sexual need that radiates throughout their bodies. Touching each other now would mean that they would not be leaving the elevator and he knows that there are other, better options waiting inside her room. 

As the door opens, Marlena leans incredibly close to him before pushing his arm out of her way. Then she steps out and makes a right. She knows that his eyes will be on her ass, so she makes sure to push it out slightly with a light sway of her hips. It doesn’t take long before she realizes that she cannot retrieve her key card without risking dropping everything, so she turns, while still moving towards her room, and holds her black stilettos out towards John and he naturally accepts them. With only having the wine, Marlena is able to easily open her clutch and pull out the red key card. As she approaches 1313, she takes note of the relatively steady hand that reaches out to open the door. She is impressed with how calm her body has stayed, despite the butterflies in her gut. 

Marlena enters the 2-room accommodations and stretches her arm out to place the open bottle of wine safely on an end table. Just as her fingers slide off the glass, her brain can barely register the noise from her shoes hitting the floor as she finds herself pulled around and forced up against the door. 

When you’re not next to me, mm-hm

Yeah, you’re breakin’ my heart, baby

You make a mess of me, yeah

I lose control

His mouth is on hers as she feels the sensations of the coolness of the door on her back and the heat of his chest on hers. Looking for no sweetness, Marlena opens her mouth to his, allowing her tongue to reach out and tangle with his own. Her fingers roughly scrape against the back of his neck before diving into his short hair and holding his head still as she continues to deepen the kiss. 

John, realizing that he cannot lift her up due to the restrictions of the red dress, allows his knee to part her legs as far as possible and his knee pushes against her heat. A groan starts in his belly and works its way up as his hands don’t know whether they want to grip her hips to allow easier access to grind his manhood against her or to bury them in her hair to keep her mouth firmly on his own. He settles for one in each place.

“Oh god, John!” Marlena’s head lifts just enough for John to take the invitation to latch onto the creamy pale skin along the side of her neck. His kisses are open mouth, wet, and desperate as he sucks at and licks the flesh. As he nips lightly at her earlobe, Marlena cries out and bucks her hips towards him. Needing to feel his skin, she uses her left hand to pull his mouth back to hers, while the fingers on her right work to pull his shirt out from his pants. Getting a large enough hole, she desperately slides her palm along his lower back and up as high as she can before she is restricted by the rest of the tucked shirt. Digging her nails in, she is rewarded with a “Fuck, Doc” as she trails them all the way back down and into the waist band of his suit pants. 

John reaches behind him, grabbing onto her wrist, and brings it, along with her other, around and cups them within his own hands. Looking down at their entwined hands, John takes in two shaky breaths before looking her in the eye, “Doc, I won’t apologize for how I am feeling right now, but I want to make sure that you are okay with this.”

“I am. I know what I am doing – what I have been doing all evening.”

Gripping her hands tighter “But are you sure? I can’t forget how hurt and guilt ridden you were after we slept together on Victor’s plane. I can’t be the cause of that again.”

“This is different, for so many reasons.” She wants to kiss him again. Every nerve in her body is tingling to the point that it hurts and she wants to do whatever is needed to get it to stop. “But that can wait until later, right now, I want you.”

He kisses her more gently than the previous ones and leans his forehead against her own, “I don’t want to hurt you, Doc.”

Using the door for leverage, Marlena pushes John back a step, enough for her to slip around him. For the second time that evening, John feels the panic that he has said the wrong thing and has now lost his chance to feel her naked body against his one more time. Lost his chance to love her one more time. 

Halfway across the room, she turns towards John and reaches behind her for the golden zipper. He is mesmerized as she slowly slides the zipper down her back while taking careful steps backwards towards the bedroom. Stating confidently, “You can stay or you can leave, but we won’t be talking about it any longer.” Pausing, hazel eyes look directly into his with no hesitation as she allows her dress to fall, revealing her matching set of black lace undergarments. She slowly lifts her right leg and places it down, before doing the same with her left, yet, as she places it behind her, she uses that momentum to turn her body and walk towards the bedroom. 

When you’re not here with me, mm

I’m fallin’ apart right in front of you, can’t you see?

I lose control

When you’re not here with me, mm-hm

Yeah, you’re breakin’ my heart, baby

You make a mess of me

Still at the door, John closes his eyes and lifts his chin towards the ceiling. Too much is swirling in his head, so instead, he allows instinct to take over. Toeing out of his shoes, his right hand comes up to his previously loosened tie and pulls it the rest of the way open. The top few buttons needed to open while on the dance floor, so he picks up where he left off with the clear circles as John moves steadily towards the bedroom. Only pausing for a second to remove his unwanted socks.  

As he steps into the room, his breath is stolen from his body as he gazes at the vision in front of him. He flicks the final button open, then grabs the ends of his tie, swinging the material over his head. John takes a few steps towards Marlena and does a similar action with his navy tie to loop it around the back of her neck and with a quick twist of his wrists, she is pulled into him. Turning his head to the side, John holds the tie firmer and takes her mouth with his. His tongue flicks out to lick her lower lip before he captures it, sucking it lightly into his mouth before releasing it. Her moan is heavenly, as he wants to pull every last sound from her. 

They continue to kiss as Marlena’s hands work their way between them in order to run up his abdomen to his chest. She uses her fingertips to explore and take in the firmness of his abs, the hard lines of his muscles, and the lack of bristled hair on his chest. Flattening her left palm, she runs it slowly over his right nipple and across to his left, feeling the smoothness of his skin and deciding how she feels about the change. As her palm traces its path again, John half moans, half laughs at her. Breaking the kiss, Marlena looks at him inquisitively, and he pulls her hand up to his lips, kissing her palm gently. 

“Miss the hair?”

Smiling, she allows her right fingers to run from his shoulder down his arm, again taking in all of the bare, smooth skin. “Do you wax?”

“Did, but that hurt. Lasered it.”

That receives a surprised reaction, “So it won’t grow back?”

“In theory. Disappointed?”

“I’ll get used to it. Won’t tickle my nose as we sleep.”

Her comment brings so many emotions to the surface, as it implies that he will get to spend the night with her and hold her comfortably. The last time they slept together, it was on the Titan conference room table and did not involve any post-sex cuddling and the other time, he did get to hold her for a bit, but it was to comfort her through her guilt at their actions, not to enjoy their time together. 

Marlena does not seem to notice John lost in thought, instead, she removes her hand from his own and uses both to push his dress shirt off of his body and to pile on the floor. As her lips come in contact with his chest, she breaths across the skin, “So much new skin to explore.” His hands fall to his sides and a groan rumbles from deep in his chest as her lips kiss a path across his chest before her mouth hovers over his left nipple. Her breath on the sensitive skin causes him to shiver, but then he cries out when she closes her lips. First she runs her tongue over it before sucking hard. She repeats all three actions before moving over to his right and giving it the same attention. 

“Fuck, Marlena. You have every nerve-ending on fire already.”

She brings her hands up to his shoulders, “So I haven’t lost my touch then.” 

“I’m not strong enough for all your teasing.”

Marlena’s hands knead into the muscles of his broad shoulders. Her eyes watch as he pushes his shoulders back, stretching the tense muscles. “You seem plenty strong still. Maybe, a little tense.” She slides around his body and smirks at the groan that echoes into the room. Unknown to him, Marlena quickly releases the clasp of her bra and lets it fall to pile with his shirt. Placing her hands back on his shoulders, she allows her thumbs to dig into the tense areas. Moving closer to his neck, she allows her fingers to continue their administrations until she feels him relax. As he takes in a calming breath, she steps close and allows both her mouth and breasts to run across the heated skin of his back. 

“Oh shit!” He turns and immediately crashes his mouth into hers, forcing his tongue in, while his hands cup both of her breasts and knead them along his palms. His thumbs run over her nipples, causing her to gasp into his mouth, before encircling her skin again. “Doc, I love your breasts.” His mouth descends over her right, taking time to slide it into his mouth before flicking his tongue a few times over the taunt nipple. 

Marlena sucks in a breath while saying, “John.” 

“They are both so perfect.” Equal attention is given to her left, and he groans into her skin, as her fingers move to his waist band, making quick work of his belt buckle, but Marlena struggles with the button of his pants due to the hardness of his cock. “Let me help,” slips from his lips, as he takes a deep breath and attempts to stretch the suit material enough to slide the button free. 

Before he can work down the zipper, Marlena stops him, “No, let me.” His eyes close and he momentarily counts to ten, trying not to concentrate on the feel of her delicate hands on his cock. After releasing the zipper, Marlena slides her hands along his waist and under his briefs to squeeze his butt cheeks. Loving the feel of his flesh under her hands, she runs her fingers under his butt and around to his hips, before lightly tracing the top crease again. As her hands meet, she works both the pants and briefs off his hips and squats as she pulls the material down his legs. As his briefs move over his cock, she leans forward to place a kiss at the base before leaning her head away as she frees his member completely. It springs upward and she smiles at how aroused he is for her. She leaves him to step out of his pants, as her concentration is on the pulsing member at eye level. 

“Doc, stand up.”

“No” is barely heard before it is overtaken by his gasped “Fuck” as Marlena takes the tip of his cock into her mouth. Sucking on the head, she runs her tongue over the flesh, tasting the saltiness of his precum. She hums her approval before grabbing the base and pushing more of him into her mouth. Her tongue runs down and back up his cock, each pass causing John to swear louder and try hard not to push his hips into her. 

With a final suck, Marlena allows him to slip from her lips and as she moves to stand, she makes sure that her breast slides along its length and then her stomach before it comes in contact with her panties. Marlena meets John’s gaze, taking in the dilated pupils and hungry look on his face and she smiles a beautifully pleased grin. 

“Holy hell, Doc. How can you have just done all that and look so goddamn innocent?”

She does not respond, instead Marlena continues to smile up at him as she grabs one end of the navy tie and slowly pulls it. Her hands are near her belly button, forcing the tie to slide along her breast and set her skin on fire. As the tie joins the other clothing, she hooks her thumbs into the sides of her panties and slides them down her legs. The air is filled with arousal and John can only lick his lips as he watches her move. As she steps towards the bed, his hand reaches out and grazes the curve of her perfect ass and he cannot help himself as he steps forward and pulls her against his chest. His right hand immediately finds the heat between her legs, pushing her ass firmly against his cock. As his fingers slip into her moist folds, John’s left hand grabs her breast and his mouth latches onto the sensitive area of her neck. 

In sensation overload, Marlena’s breath comes in small gasps as she moves her hips to apply more pressure to both his fingers and his cock. In a similar position to what she was on the dance floor, Marlena does not know where to put her arms, and settles for gripping his ass.  

Breathing into her ear, “You are so fuckin’ wet.”

“Have been all night.” Her body twitches under his administrations, “Oh shit, that feels so good. I have needed you to touch me.”

“Just touch you, Doc?”

“No.” If she is going to say anything more, the ability is lost as he slides a finger into her center, moving it roughly in and out of her. 

“No, not just touch you?”

“To kiss me.” As a second finger moves with his first, she moans and moves her hips faster. “To make love to me. To make me feel and to scream.” 

“Do you want to scream, Doc?”

“Yes.”

“For me?”

“Yes.”

“How badly?”

As his third finger opens her further, John flicks his thumb over his clit and uses his other hand to roll her nipple between his fingers. “Please” and “Oh God” slide through her lips as both quicken their pace. 

He repeats in her ear, “How badly?”

“So badly” is the only thing that she can think of to answer. Her focus is on his hands and the heat building up in her abdomen. John can feel the beginnings of her orgasm and applies more pressure to her clit. His cock throbs along the crack in her ass and John groans as Marlena is pushed back into him. 

He kisses her cheek, temple and then ear, before whispering, “Let it out.”

“Oh… Oh, John… John…”

“Scream.”

He applies more pressure and feels her back arch and then tense as she screams out, “Oh God yes!” As her orgasm crashes over her, John continues to move his fingers within her, feeling the rush of wetness escape from her. As the convulsions slow, Marlena breathlessly repeats her exclamation a bit quieter. 

John lifts his fingers to his mouth, pulling his pointer finger into his mouth and sucking her juices off of it before Marlena turns and pulls his hand to her own mouth. Sucking on his middle finger, she runs her tongue along the pad before licking her lips.

Practically growling at her, John backs her up along the bed and gently pushes her backwards. He watches as she moves towards the middle of the bed, taking in her flushed skin and swollen clit. Crawling towards her, John runs his hands along her long legs and turns his head to kiss the sides of her knees before continuing to trail kisses up the inside of her thighs. His blue eyes meet aroused hazel and he holds her stare as his tongue reaches out and flicks her clit. She immediately sucks in a breath from the sensitivity, but eases into the feeling as he gently continues to lick at her juices. 

Grabbing for her hands, he lifts them above her head and kisses her deeply as he positions himself between her legs. “I want you so badly.”

“John, make love to me. I need to feel you inside me.”  

Letting go of her, John reaches for his cock and runs it along her wet folds. She moans from the sensation and John bites his bottom lip, trying to keep himself from cumming before he is even fully inside of her. Looking down, he watches the tip of his cock swirl around her folds, lubricating himself before slowly sliding the tip of him inside her. He watches, mesmerized as the lips of her pussy part and the tip of him disappears inside. Pulling back, he then pushes his tip back in before pushing a little farther. She is very tight around him and he stores that observation away to dissect at another time. Right now, all he cares about is being able to bury himself fully inside of her and push them both over an edge that they haven’t seen in far too long. 

“God, you are so tight and feel amazing.” 

“John, I want you inside me.”

“I’m working on it, Doc.”

At her continued urging, John pulls out and then slides about half way into her, before repeating his action, and on the third time seating himself completely inside of her. “Oh shit, you feel amazing.”

John leans down to capture her mouth in a rough kiss as his hips thrust forward again. She moans into his mouth and her nails trail down his back. Her one hand attempts to hold him in place so that she can buck up into him more, while her other digs into his flesh and she knows that he will have nail marks in the morning. 

The dueling for dominance with their mouths continues, while their hips move in perfect counter-rhythm. As their movements become hurried and out of control, the sounds of their breathing mimic this. Marlena wraps her legs around his hips before John begins pushing one of her legs further up her body, to allow him even better access to fill her. Sitting up, he moves quickly, feeling the tension build and he knows that he does not have much longer before he will cum. His palm spreads out on her stomach, holding her down and allowing his thumb to roll around her clit. 

“John! Oh, right there. Harder” hits his ears and he does as instructed until her back begins to arch. She feels the tension ripple through her body and she is desperate to push it towards a release. His pace increases as his strokes shorten. The sound of him sliding through her wetness mixes with their moans, as both become lost in the need to be pushed over the edge. 

As he feels her orgasm build and her body begin to quake, John leans forward to capture her mouth and thrust harder. Her pussy clenches hard, pushing him over and forcing him to release himself into her with a guttural growl, “Marlena!”

He collapses on her. The only sound in the room is gasping for breath, as Marlena caresses his sweat soaked back. 

I hate to sleep with one eye open

I see the headlights turn to shadows driving past

I hope one night it’s not you going

‘Cause you woke up and realized what you could have

Listening to the gentle snore, Marlena runs her fingers over John’s bare chest. The precision of her movements displays her need to memorize every new feature and reaffirm everything in her memory. Laying in his arms seems more natural than anything else in her life, yet if their actual nights like this were added up, the number would be shockingly low. 

Choices were made for her family and a part of her feels that it was the correct choice for them. Sami, Eric, and Carrie got to finish growing up knowing their father and after a few other bumps, got to lead a pretty normal childhood. She feels that they are well adjusted and kind individuals, despite the crazy circumstances of their past. Marlena can even admit that Roman was more present and stable of a parent once John left Salem. She has always assumed that the jealousy and the anger from comparison was able to dissipate being the only male in all of their lives. 

But, every now and then, late at night, Marlena has allowed her mind to wander like it is now, about what might have been – what could have been. If she had chosen John and a life with him, would that really have had a negative effect on the kids? More parents, more love. Getting to keep the only parent that they truly knew, along with getting their biological parents back could only have been a stabilizing factor for them. It might have also made the transition less anxiety-filled and hostile. Maybe not, if the adults weren’t able to find that peace. Like any hypothetical, it is hard to truly know. 

But the one thing that she does know for a fact is that she would have been happier. Marlena would have felt loved, cherished, and seen. She knows that John would have been the teammate that she needed when exploring her missing years and coming to terms with what may have happened to her while gone. He would have helped with the nightmares and kept some of the demons at bay. He also would have been a never-wavering support of her practice and research. Marlena knows that she was invited to present at this convention in spite of Roman’s interference, rather than because of. She has missed John’s unwavering belief in her and her abilities. With that, she could potentially have been so much further with her research and have had the opportunity to help dozens more with their memory loss. Perhaps even have helped the two of them more.

Instead, she made the choice that she did for her family and for what she thought was the ‘right’ solution to a difficult situation, rather than what her heart truly wanted. In the end, she seems to be the only one paying the price. 

Lifting herself up onto her forearm, she whispers, “You – and I paid the price.” Marlena wipes a stray tear from her cheek, before lightly running her finger along his brow. “Oh, I’m so sorry, my love. Fate tried with the pit and Maison Blanche and even the affair to tell me that I messed up and I just wouldn’t listen.”

Life is far from easy, but seeing John at the airport opened her heart back up to so many possibilities. She didn’t listen to fate before, but here, after all these years apart, they have bumped into each other twice. She let him walk away at Laguardia and she shouldn’t have. Logically, what was she to do? Skip her flight and follow him somehow? Ask him to skip his and follow her? She got his number and used it. That was a step. But yesterday morning, seeing him again, Marlena knew that she would see where this encounter led. No hesitation. No over-thinking. 

You sleep with peace of mind you don’t worry

I’m wide awake I know it’s gonna hurt me

Least you could do is show a little mercy now

So if you’re gonna leave me, leave me

In the middle of the night

Set the bed on fire

“Now what” is sighed out into the quiet room. She committed adultery for the second time in her marriage with the same man. And unlike last time, she is not consumed with guilt. Her marriage has been on the slow road to ending, she just hasn’t had a real reason to end it. While the twins were still in high school, she didn’t want to unnecessarily shift their equilibrium but now, they are starting their own independent lives. Marlena’s life choices affect them less now. 

Marlena’s hazel eyes take in John’s peaceful facial expression. She runs a finger along his brow again, pushing some stray hairs off of his forehead, before running it from nose bridge to lips. She knows he is awake because of the change in his breathing, but he gives no other indication.

She pushes herself up in order to press her lips against his and is impressed by his lack of response. Smirking, she bites at his bottom lip before completing a similar action to his chin. Her right hand pushes the comforter down and off his body, as her hot mouth descends on his left nipple. John is unable to contain the groan, but he keeps his one arm anchored to his side and the other one around her body. 

She swirls her tongue around the nipple, waiting for it to completely harden before taking it back into her mouth and sucking hard. John’s groan deepens and his cock twitches. Feeling it bump against her elbow, her attention is drawn further down his body. 

Set the bed on fire

If you’re gonna leave me, leave me

Don’t say goodbye

Just set the bed on fire

Moving her leg, Marlena pushes herself up to straddle his lower half and states as sweetly as she can, “I am impressed by your control, sailor. I’m also enjoying the free play at the moment.” Her palms flatten on his pelvic bone. Pushing them lightly up his body, she stretches forward, allowing both her center and breasts to rub against him. As her mouth nears his own, she can tell he is ready to be kissed, but instead she slides back down his muscular body and watches his cock bob again. 

It takes very little movement from her to allow her clit to slide along the length of him, trapping him, before sliding back and off. She repeats the movement, “You are missing quite the view.” As John moans, he opens his eyes to stare breathlessly at the vision of the beautiful blonde naked and arched above him. Marlena bats away his hands, “Nop. You lost the chance to touch by fake sleeping. Now you get to watch.”

Bringing his hands behind his head, John smirks up at her, “Yes, ma’am.” 

Lifting her hips, Marlena reaches behind her to grip his member, rubbing it along her folds until they part and the tip of him disappears inside of her. Her eyes want to close, but instead, she forces them to return his gaze as she slowly sinks down, taking him all the way in. 

“God, Doc. You feel spectacular everytime. Nothing like it.”

In her mind, the statement, ‘It’s like going home’ vibrates through, but aloud, she simply moans her pleasure out and begins moving her hips.  

Sometimes I wonder what you’re thinking

You say you love me but sometimes I have my doubts

Baby, what if our ship was sinking

Would I be the only one hanging on when it goes down

John breaths in the mixture of sex and flowers that surrounds a sleeping Marlena. His lips continue to lightly touch her shoulder, as his left hand softly tickles the area around her belly button. Exhaustion has overtaken her and she sleeps peacefully in his arms. John, on the other hand, has refused to sleep, wanting to enjoy every moment of her in his arms. 

Everything about this night has been a dream, in truth, better than any dream he has had over the years. He hasn’t felt this connected to Marlena since their marriage and it hurts him to think about how long ago that actually was. Wishing he could freeze this moment or that he could extend this evening into a full weekend, John knows that the sun will rise and reality will set in. It doesn’t feel like a repeat of previous years, where there will be tears of guilt and betrayal and he is not exactly sure why that is, but he knows that there will still be a parting. She will need to finish her conference, have dinner with Eric as planned, and then return home to Salem and her husband. Trying to extend what they have had into another day will only hurt them more. All that they were able to stay away from today, the tension or awkwardness, will show up in the morning. Talking about what they have done, the reasons they gave into their passion will only open up the door to conversations of their past choices. And in the end, she will, once again, head home to Roman. 

And if John is honest with himself, that is the part he cannot handle. They have had two in person meetings and two phone conversations and he isn’t sure he has said Roman’s name more than twice total. 

“I love you, Doc” is whispered into the silent room and he means every word of it. He always has. This woman in his arms has haunted him since the day they shook hands and their story began. He instantly felt the need to protect her – to love her. From that moment, his soul declared that he would do whatever was needed to make sure that she was happy and over six years ago, that was to walk away and give her space to live her life without the shadow of them to interfere. All these years later, he truly doesn’t know if staying or leaving hurt him more, but he still firmly believes that staying would have destroyed her and possibly their relationship. It was the thing that he feared the most, was staying and watching them learn to spite each other. So, instead, he left.

And now, he will do it again. 

To save them both. 

To save himself. 

And he will do it in the same, weak way that he did before – while she isn’t able to stop him. 

His lips hold against her soft skin and tears stream down his face. He holds in any sounds and squeezes his eyes closed, allowing the moisture to fall, but as he realizes that it is falling onto her skin, he pulls back. Slowly, using his muscle memory from long ago, John lifts his left arm from her body before slipping his other arm out from underneath her. He pauses, allowing her to shift herself back into a comfortable position, before carefully removing himself from the bed. He grabs his clothes and moves towards the bedroom door. He pauses in the archway, his back to her. He closes his eyes and feels the pain move to every nerve-ending. A part of him wishes she would wake up, call out to him, and force him to stop. He doesn’t think he could leave if she asked him not to. 

But she stays asleep. 

And John moves into the next room. Stepping into his briefs and pants, John pockets his socks and tie before shrugging into his dress shirt. Not caring what he looks like, he doesn’t bother buttoning it as he triple checks that he has his wallet and jacket before quietly letting himself out the hotel door. 

Entering the hallway, he doesn’t pause as he walks to the stairwell and walks up the six flights of stairs, allowing the echo of his shoes drown out his thoughts. 

You sleep with peace of mind you don’t worry

I’m wide awake I know it’s gonna hurt me

The least you could do is show a little mercy now

So if you’re gonna leave me, leave me

In the middle of the night

Set the bed on fire

Stretching her tired body, Marlena rolls over and slowly opens her eyes. Reaching out, she feels the empty bed and quickly sits up. As nervous energy shoots to her head, she rubs her eyes and looks around the room. She pushes the blanket off of her legs and uncoordinatedly moves out of the bed. Her muscles scream at her, but the pulsing of her heart and thoughts cause her to ignore. 

Noticing only her own undergarments on the floor, Marlena moves towards the other room. She knows the truth, but it does not stop her from calling out, “John” and looking around the room. She steps on her dress as the truth of the situation sets over her. 

Moving back into the bedroom, a combination of rage and pain overtakes her body as she reaches for the bedspread and yanks it with a scream. As her heart breaks, Marlena grabs a pillow, throwing it against the wall, before ripping the sheets off. Falling to the ground, she lets the sobs overtake her body.

Set the bed on fire

If you’re gonna leave me, leave me

Then don’t say goodbye

Just set the bed on fire

Baby, set the bed on fire

And let it burn, let it burn, let it burn all the way to the ground

Tossing the item into his bag, John roughly rips the zipper closed. As he goes to lift it, his anger overtakes him and he punches at the bag, “Fuck!” 

Previously he had said that five of the seven major regrets of his life were about her. As he steps out of his hotel room, he knows that he will live to regret this moment too. He already hates himself and fate. So what’s one more?

Don’t drag it out

Don’t hang around

Don’t take your time

Don’t twist the knife

Don’t let me see just let me dream

So if you’re gonna leave me, leave me

In the middle of the night

Oh, set the bed on fire

“Lose Control” and “Bed On Fire” 

Teddy Swims 

Seventh Regret 3: What Number Is This?

And before they know it, the regrets have piled too high to climb. 

Howard Hawkes

Approaching the narrow wooden staircase, John looks down at the smallest steps he has ever encountered and begins to take them two at a time as he moves down into the basement of the church. The concrete walls with the faded light makes it all feel like a treasure hunt scene in a film, but he can’t help but shake off a weird sense of deja vu as he steps into a large open room. 

Scanning the two directions that he can go, he takes in the couch, table, and chairs but sees no signs that this room is being used by the bridal party. Stepping towards the archway on the right, he listens for movement, but then hears an abrupt addition of noise as if someone just opened a door. John nods to himself, acknowledging that he needs to move in the other direction, but his eyes are studying a painting of a spiral staircase. He steps closer, but the inscription is too faded to read, as his eyes take in the multiple floors that the wooden banister passes and the greens and purple flecks in the carpeted steps. 

Curious eyes stay on the painting as his deja vu increases and he takes a few steps backwards. He needs to locate Carrie, as he was asked to do, and get back upstairs, but his attention is hard to focus back on the task. He senses the person behind him just as he steps back and collides with them. John whips around quickly, “I’m so sor– Doc-” The words fade out as his breath is stolen. His arms reach out to steady her, but as his palms come in contact with her skin, he pulls them off and allows them to awkwardly hang out in the air, prepared to help if needed. 

Pushing a fallen chunk of hair back behind her ear, Marlena’s hazel eyes open in shock, “John! You- you’re here. You came. That’s good. I really hoped you would, Carrie will be so pleased. I-I wasn’t expecting you down here though.”

Her stuttering causes his mouth to turn up in a gentle smile, but internally, he is kicking himself for not planning accordingly. Of course Marlena would be with Carrie, helping to get her ready. “I apologize for hitting you,  and just popping out of nowhere, seems to be a new habit of mine.” The reference to their two previous meetings causes so many emotions to run through the pair, as John quickly clears his throat and tries to move the conversation into a different direction, “I just got here and was told by an usher that my presence was requested down here. Got a little distracted by-” He points lamely in the direction of the painting and his eyes look at the staircase, but then he shakes it away as Marlena looks at him curiously, “Doesn’t matter. Anyways, I sent Stephanie to our seats and came down here, I assume that Carrie is down there?”

Marlena does not look away from John to look down the hallway he is pointing at, instead she says what comes to her mind, “You aren’t alone?”

Studying her features, John takes in the delicate makeup that highlights her natural beauty and how the french twist hairstyle leaves her neck exposed. The image of him standing behind her naked body, running his lips along her collarbone and up to her ear causes him to stare wordlessly at her. Instead of being overwhelmed or self-conscious about the way his eyes are scanning her body, Marlena takes strength from it. She finds pleasure in the knowledge that she is a distraction for him, but she also allows it to fuel her hurt from his walking out on her.  

Mouth dry and unfocused, John lamely asks, “Uh, what did you ask me?”

“You brought someone with you, you aren’t alone?”

To someone passing by, her tone sounds friendly and inquiring, but to him, he hears the accusation and knows that she is wondering if he is doing this to possibly hurt her with a statement or to protect himself from her. There is definitely truth to that second half, but never the first. “Yeah, yeah Stephanie. I work with her. Carrie insisted that I bring a plus one,” the explanation that nobody asked for stumbles helplessly from his lips. “I had just marked myself, but Carrie felt and is probably correct, that I could use a buffer for seeing everyone again. She said she would mark chicken for the person, so I needed to make sure they weren’t vegetarian or anything. Stephanie’s super power is small talk, so it seemed perfect. She probably knows everyone’s life story already. So,” Marlena watches as he wets his lips nervously and follows the swallow as it moves through his throat and into his chest, “yeah. That answers that.”

“John, I don’t know how long you are here for, but we should really talk while you are.” 

He knows what she is referring to, but he is unsure of the intent in the request and the balanced tone she is giving him is not giving him any clues. “I assume you are referring to Miami.”

“I’m referring to you walking out on me, the location is not really a factor.” 

His eyes widen in surprise at her bluntness, “Oh, okay, that’s how this is going -”

“Seriously, John? You are g-”

Marlena is interrupted by Carrie’s excited voice, “John! He’s here?” Marlena turns and smiles as Carrie attempts to run down the hallway, balancing layers of tulle in her hands. She kindly warns her step-daughter, “Watch the walls, don’t want to get the fabric caught and snagged.” But the warning falls on deaf ears as Carrie launches herself at John. Her arms go around his neck and he lifts her off the ground, the whole time, Marlena is attempting to protect the dress. 

“You came!”

“I said I would.”

Still holding onto him, “Yes, but you really came. And you came down here.”

“Well, the female usher up there was asking for people’s names like this was a military inspection and I was immediately directed down here, no questions allowed.” Stepping back, John holds onto Carrie’s petite hands and opens their arms wide to look at her. He takes in the Cinderella style gown with glittery swirls through the skirt, enough to give plain material a little sparkle without it being overwhelming. It is the bodice that stands out with the sweetheart neckline and the full glitter cover that seems to change color in the light. “You are as gorgeous as ever and so incredibly grown up. But, the excited twinkle is exactly the same, Pumpkin.”

Her smile grows at the nickname and she can hear Marlena’s intake of breath. So much time wasted, but having him in front of her, Carrie immediately feels like a teenager again, looking up at her hero. “I cannot tell you, John, how much this means to me to have you here today. And I asked you down here, because… well, it’s silly.” A light blush filters over her cheeks as she looks away briefly, but it is John’s tug on her hand that brings her eyes back around, “I was worried that if I saw you for the first time while walking down the aisle I would… I don’t know, jump and run to hug you. I mean,” playfully, she rolls her eyes, “I am, obviously, not one to do that.” John laughs with her, but then looks over her shoulder at Marlena. They hold each other’s gaze while Carrie finishes, “I am so nervous not to mess anything up during the ceremony, I just felt I needed to see you, hug you, get that all out of my system so I’m not thinking about it.”

His hands reach up to gently touch her face, careful not to mess with her makeup, before leaning in and kissing her cheek. “You are a gorgeous bride and I am beyond grateful to be here today, so thank you. And-” His hands move over his suit jacket, before feeling the object in his left pocket, ‘I apologize if this isn’t the correct time for this, but I have something for you.” Holding out the small box that appears to contain some sort of jewelry, John hands it over to Carrie. Marlena takes a small step to her right, giving herself a better view. 

Carrie’s excitement is displayed all over her facial features. She was always a child that enjoyed gifts and John is pleased to see that that hasn’t diminished over time. “Thank you! I assume, that I can open it right now?”

“Yes, please.” His eyes are on the box as the familiar pop of the hinge opening echoes throughout the hallway. Immediately, nerves take over John and the rambling begins again, “I’ve actually had this for a long time. I had seen it in a shop in Chicago and it seemed too perfe- -”

His voice fades out as her eyes go wide and she lifts the necklace out of the case. Marlena reaches for the now empty box, allowing Carrie both hands to admire the design. “It’s beautiful. Those are pumpkins!” Her eyes look up at John and then turn towards Marlena to show her the diamond design, “Look, it’s got a C and then pumpkins on each side.”

“Beautiful-” Marlena places her fingers underneath, lifting the necklace a little higher to examine the delicate design, “I love that they are set into the necklace, not a dangling charm.”

As both women turn their eyes towards John, he is surprised by the embarrassment filtering over him, “Yeah, it was just sitting in the window with the C and pumpkins and I knew it was made for you. I didn’t know what occasion it would be for – at the time was probably thinking graduation, but…” He allows his voice to fade out with a shrug of his shoulders. 

“You’ve had it all these years?”

Looking the woman who used to be his daughter in the eyes, “Yes. And I’m glad I did.”

“I don’t have something old – Marlena, do you think this would count?”

Smiling at Carrie, “Oh definitely. Want me to help you with it?”

“Please.” Handing the box back to John, he awkwardly stares at it before he shoves it back in his pocket, figuring he will get it back to her at another time. He watches them, admiring their beauty and pose as Carrie holds up her hair, allowing Marlena to clasp the necklace in place. She touches it fondly, “It’s… this means so much. Thank you.” She steps back into John’s arms, hugging him tightly. Whispering to him, “You have made this day perfect in more ways than you can possibly understand.”

Kissing the side of her head, “Be careful, you’ll smudge your makeup.” Kissing her again, he whispers, “I love you pumpkin, and I am so excited for you today.” 

Marlena places her hand over her mouth, “Oh” slips out as she wipes away a fallen tear. 

Straightening up, both women can see the emotion in his eyes, “And now, I’m going to let you finish getting ready, I’m going to go find my seat, and wait for your arrival.”

“You are in the second row.” At his surprised look, “Where you belong, with Grandma and Grandpa.” If it wasn’t for the childlike excitement in Carrie’s eyes, John would have given into his anxiety. But he is touched by her action, completely unnecessary, considering how long he has been gone from her life. They spent years together as father and daughter and even talked of this exact moment and him walking her down the aisle. A role that will be performed by another man, her actual father, this afternoon. 

John nods at her and then Marlena, “Marlena…”

It’s Carrie’s voice that stops him, “Marlena, aren’t you heading up too? You can show him his seats.”

His back is to the women as his eyes close and the anxiety washes over him. Marlena can see the tension in his shoulders and struggles with what to do because it was his actions that created these emotions and to her, he deserves to be uncomfortable, but the other side of her always hates to see him struggling. “Yeah, I was when I bumped into John. You go finish getting ready sweetie, you don’t have long. I’ll make sure your dad is upstairs and ready.”

“And that John finds his seat.”

“Yes. Of course.” The two women share a smile and then Marlena moves towards the steps. She is caught by his voice, “Huh?”

“Does the painting over there remind you of anything? Been having a weird deja vu, and I’m sorry, I don’t even know why I am mentioning it to you. It’s just tugging at me, and it’s probably nothing, just-” He rolls his shoulders to help ease the tension, “my anxiety for what this day will bring and-”

“And I am easy for you to talk to. John, somethings will never change, no matter how much time or – things- that happen between us.”

“Doc, I am sorry about- you know – Miami. I shouldn-”

“John,” The sharpness in her voice puts him to attention and leaves no discussion, and he is equally surprised by her bluntness as the fact that she didn’t even look around for other ears before saying it, “we are adults here, so there is no need for lame innuendo. We slept together, you snuck out of bed in the middle of the night, and made sure to be gone from the hotel or hell, Miami even, by the time I woke up. Now, however, is absolutely not the time that we are going to dive into that or gloss over it.”

“Because you don’t want to get into it Doc, or because there are enough emotions for today?”

She steps down from the wooden stair and moves towards him. Her voice is quiet, but firm, “If we talk- when – when we talk about it, we will talk about it fully. But today, at least right now, this is about Carrie, Carrie’s special day and I won’t do anything that will affect that for either of us. This should be a happy day.” She starts to turn to head upstairs but something stops her and she can’t help herself from adding, “I also know how incredibly hard today will be for you. Carrie is so happy that you are here, I can’t forget her reaction when I said I saw you all those months ago and invited you. You were the first invitation that she wrote out and no, don’t look at me like that.” She points at him, but then pulls her arms close to her body, as she looks up at the ceiling and attempts to keep the tears at bay, “Oh my. I’m- I’m not lying or making up a story. You are her family and today would not have been complete without you. But…” she crosses her arms along her stomach as if trying to hold in the emotions that are coursing through her body, “But, I know better than anyone how much this also hurts you. As you said, it was too hard being on the sideline, watching what was your life playing out in front of you. And here you are being asked to do that. But you aren’t just a guest.”

“I know, second row.” Attempting to joke through the emotions in his chest, “I fancy.”

“You fancy. And that suit looks good on you.” He smiles at her and gestures towards the staircase. He can’t help but look back at the painting again and Marlena notices, “There isn’t anything about the painting that seems familiar, but I’ll take a better look after the ceremony, if you’d like.”

“No, I’m sure it’s nothing. And now it’s just stuck in my head. Probably looks like a scene in a movie. Nothing to worry about. I am a little worked up, in case you hadn’t realized.”

As they walk up the narrow staircase, John cannot stop his eyes from running up Marlena’s body, taking in the side slit of the minty colored gown and how, when she steps up with her left leg, the dress falls over it, revealing her skin. The thin straps keep her shoulders bare and the tightness of the material at her waist allows the fabric to fit snugly around her ass and he almost reaches out to trace the small opening in the back of the dress. 

As they step into the foyer, John pauses and looks at Marlena for assistance, “Do I go with you to find Roman and get the greetings out of the way now? I don’t want it to be awkward with me sitting behind him and everything.”

She hesitates and he can tell that she had not thought about that previously. “I don’t actually know. He knows you are coming, so I guess, which would be better for you?”

“Oh I choose avoidance. So I’m going to go to my seat. And I guess, I’ll be seeing you again shortly.”

“Um, no, I’ll go with you.” Her eyes fly up to his, surprised at her own words, “If you don’t mind. Don’t really want to walk down the aisle by myself.”

He scrunches his face in confusion, “But walking with me down it’ll be less awkward?”

Shrugging and trying to lighten the mood, “Gives everyone something to talk about.”

“Well, lead the way.”

The former couple walk with a safe distance between them. John places his right hand in his pocket, to keep himself from reaching out for her lower back and guiding her down the aisle. This was all once a dream of his, for Marlena to be alive and for them to attend their daughter’s wedding. 

They do not make it far before a tall, young gentleman hurries across the church, “John!” 

Doing a double take at the height and maturity of this man, “Eric! Hey partner! I’m so sorry to say what everyone probably does, but you’re so tall!”

The two men hug tightly, with John’s arm barely able to wrap around the shoulder of the tall, slim young man, “I am so glad you came. We’ve all been so excited and I’m seated at your table for the reception so we can catch up, and I hate to-”

John notices Eric’s eyes move towards the church doors and realizes that Eric has a job to do, “You’re an usher? Of course you are! Go, do your thing!” It is then that John realizes that Sami would be a bridesmaid and he would not see her until the reception or perhaps right after the ceremony. 

He can hear Marlena’s voice asking Eric to check to make sure that this father is all set. Then it is her gentle hand on his arm that brings him back into the present and the fact that the two are standing in the middle of the aisle at the back of the church and eyes are beginning to find them. Marlena whispers to him, “I don’t think Eric helped our case of making it unnoticed to our seats.”

“Doc, shouldn’t he, Eric that is, be walking you to your seat? Isn’t that a part of the ceremony for you to walk in.”

“Harrison’s parents weren’t that excited about walking, so I was fine with that.” She gestures with her head, but also with a little pressure from her fingers on his upper arm, “Let’s go.”

His eyes look down at her hand, and he moves slowly, not willing to pull away from her and his chest warms as she more fully slides her arm through his and they walk arm in arm down the aisle. Whispering playfully to her, “Can we at least pretend to make small talk the whole way, just say gibberish, but it allows me not to have to look anywhere but at my shoes.”

“Well, you are doing great.”

“Nobody is noticing us?”

“No, so far we have been basically invisible.”

“Everybody is talking about us?”

Laughing fully, “Oh you know it.”

Her laugh is contagious and it finishes their path to the front of the church. He walks her to the front row, and holds her hand as she maneuvers a few steps into the pew. Marlena squeezes his fingers tightly before letting them go and her smile lets him know that she is proud of what he is doing. John turns towards Stephanie and gestures that they should move a little further down the pew, “I know Caroline and Shawn will be sitting with us, so I want to give them easy access when they get up here.”

Stephanie lifts her backside up slightly to slide down another human sitting length, before pointing towards the woman in front of her with wide, excited eyes and mouthing at him, “Is that her?”

John rolls his eyes, “Doc, I’d like to introduce you to Stehpanie, Steph this is Dr. Marlena Evans Brady, mother of the bride.”

Stephanie reaches out her hand and smiles politely as Marlena reorganizes her position enough to shake back, Marlena takes in the dark hair and eyes and sweet smile of the young woman, “It is a pleasure to meet you. I am glad you could be here,” John takes in the slightly jealous tone of voice, “John says you are good at small talk.”

“Pretty skilled. I like people and talking. Two things he isn’t a huge fan of.”

Marlena smiles at her, but John can see the sad tinge as she informs, “He, actually, used to be quite skilled at it himself.”

“Really?” Stephanie’s dark brown eyes move from the blonde woman to a standing John and back again, “I have such a hard time picturing that.”

“People used to joke, well this is a perfect example,” Marlena gets lost in thought for a moment, as she figures out how to word what she is thinking, “John, remember when Janet threw Ronney the surprise party?” At his confused nod, Marlena turns back to Stephanie to make her point, “So it was a big surprise party for our friends and Janet did a lovely job. But John was meeting and greeting everyone that came into the ballroom, that people truly thought that the party was for John’s birthday! When people saw the cake, they got a little confused.”

Chucking softly, John nervously rubs the back of his neck and responds quietly, “Got the bar bill handed to me and everything.”

“Not as happy I guess, but in some ways funnier. He did the same at a wake, that people thought he was one of the three sons of the gentleman that had passed.”

“No!” Stephanie covers her mouth with her hand as a delightful sounding giggle leaves her lip. “That is amazing, I mean a little dark, but just a fantastic story.” Stephanie had spoken to a few of her girlfriends about this trip and how to respond to information as she received it. John has shared so little about his past – and definitely not detailed. Anything he has said has been more in generalization, instead of specific. Those who work with him and know him, are aware of the basic outline that he was once married, to this charming woman in front of her, and they did not divorce, instead a previous husband came back from the dead. They also know that Marlena came back from the dead. But the timeline is fuzzy and the outcome is unknown, outside of the fact that he closed his office in Salem, travels all the time, and never speaks of his past. It doesn’t take a lot to figure out that what did happen was painful and that John was running away. Therefore, Stephanie has schooled herself a bit not to play too much of the compare and contrast game. John is very different socially than the guy that he used to be and that has come across enough in this conversation without Stephanie spelling it out. So instead, she takes a different direction, “Marlena, your dress is gorgeous. I was admiring the shape of it as you walked in and the color really goes with your eyes.”

“That’s so very kind. Mother of the Bride dresses are not great, nor flattering. I fully understand allowing the Bride to shine, but we mothers don’t need to look frumpy while doing it.”

Stephanie leans forward as they share a laugh, and John stands awkwardly by. Marlena’s attention is pulled towards a well wisher, so Stephanie uses the opportunity to press John, “She’s delightfully personable.”

“You spoke to her for three seconds.”

“And you have indicated that she was pretty, but you under-sold her my friend. She’s gorgeous.”

Narrowing his eyes at Stephanie, “And she can hear you.”

“Oh, I know. Wasn’t trying to hide it.” 

As Marlena’s chuckle floats across the pues, John groans and quickly realizes that this afternoon is going to be more difficult than he had imagined. Stephanie, for her part, has now made sure that Marlena knows she is no threat. She knows that something happened during the Miami conference, because recently, in talking about this trip, John slipped and mentioned having seen Marlena twice. After a few questions, Stephanie and her colleagues found out that they had dinner in Miami and that she was there presenting about amnesia, a detail that they did check into and found accurate. Anything else has been left up to studying his posture and more aloof than normal behavior. 

She can only imagine how odd this situation is for him and on the flight, she asked about if he needed any type of support in particular, as seeing his once daughter get married to a man he has never met, while yet another man stands in his place, has to be emotionally tough. Though he thanked her, that was all she got and she has left it there. But from the moment they arrived, she has been hearing whispers of a time gone by and a once close couple with an intriguing and seemingly passionate past – if she is to believe the woman wearing the weird bird hat three rows back. 

Seeing them walk down the aisle together, she understood. They were two humans working hard to appear natural and casual. But Stephanie doesn’t need her behavioral science degree to see that something lies underneath. 

It is John bumping her arm that causes her to reply, “What?”

“You are staring – uncomfortably so at Marlena.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry. Was thinking about some of the stories I got while you were downstairs. Despite your warnings, I was not prepared for the celebrity treatment. The redhead two rows back came over immediately, talking about how great that it was that you were here for Carrie, but hinted that it was a bold statement that we are in the grandparent row. I felt a little offended, but not really sure why.”

“Maggie is very sweet, but can sometimes come off…”  John isn’t sure how to finish his statement, but before he can give it too much thought, he is interrupted by a very happy Caroline Brady stepping towards him, “Caroline!”

“John – oh John I am just so tickled pink that you are here. Nobody told me until the other day. I’m still shocked, but here you are. Come here, give me a hug!” 

As John pulls the woman, who was once his mother, into his arms, he can feel the familiar hand of his former father patting the back of his shoulder, “John, m’boy! Couldn’t be a greater surprise for today.”

“Yeah, it’s just perfect, the whole family is here. Wait until Bo and Hope get here. You know them, never anywhere on time.” John just smiles as Caroline leans forward,  “Marlena, dear, I know I said it earlier downstairs, but you look just lovely.”

Marlena reaches out and squeezes Caroline’s offered hand, “Thank you, your dress is beautiful, blue is your color.”

Patting Marlena’s hand, “Can you believe our baby girl, our first is about to get married?”

John watches Marlena closely as the emotion immediately overtakes her. A smile tugs at his lips as he hears her emotional ‘Oh’ that he has heard dozens of times before. As the voices discuss around him, John looks at the empty spot to Marlena’s right, and he thinks about how he would give anything for that to be his seat. To walk Carrie down the aisle, kiss her cheek, and ‘hand her over’ to her about-to-be husband, before sitting down next to the woman who holds his heart. All throughout the ceremony, the two would hold hands and cry at watching that beautiful little girl marry the man of her dreams and hope that they can experience the love, joy, and happiness that they have been so fortunate to experience. Instead, he is in the second row, and his name is John – not daddy.  

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Patting the young man on the back, John states proudly, “Eric, she sounds absolutely lovely and I’m bummed that I didn’t get to meet her here.”

“Yeah, Rachael couldn’t get the time off from her internship. I, mean, it was my sister so Professors were understanding but I don’t have classes Thursday after 10 and not at all Friday, so made the trip up here easy on me. But her schedule is more full.” Eric stands up to begin making the rounds again, seeing friends and family that he hasn’t really seen since his graduation last summer. He stands off to the side but points towards John, “But you will soon, right? Rach will go with us to the baseball game. It’s only two hours to Tampa, so we can do the Devil Rays, but don’t think they play the Yankees in the first half of the schedule. They do play Miami, so we could go there.”

John chokes slightly on his Manhattan and shakes his head, “No, no no. Tampa is great. You talk with your girl and let me know a game that works in your schedule. I can be there whenever. I’ll get us tickets and a hotel, all of that. Just tell me when.”

“I will. Gunna go-”

“Go, do your thing.”

As Eric walks away, John’s facial expression shows a proud father with all that the young man is accomplishing at school. He startles a bit as a voice comes from behind, “Tampa isn’t nearly as exciting as Miami. Plus they have the Yankees.”

Slowly he swallows a large gulp of his drink, before biting his lower lip, “Isn’t going to be a good season for them anyways.”

“Hmm.” Marlena takes the seat next to him, “Where’s Stephanie?”

“Oh, bathroom break. And I am sure she found Maggie, Lexie, or any number of other local Salem women to pump for information.” She observes him closely, before reaching for his drink and taking a sip. Looking up at her, “I can go get you something, Doc.”

“No thank you.” 

“What?”

Shrugging, she pushes his drink back towards him and leans back in her seat, “Nothing. Just stopped by the table to say Hi.”

“Is that so?”

“Eric seemed so happy as he walked away. He insisted on being at your table, did he stop talking long enough to eat?”

“Yes. I had the beef and vegetables and I have to say, it was one of the better meals I have had in awhile. That gravy – so good. What about yours?”

“Did the chicken – it was also good, but wasn’t super hungry.”

He watches her facial expression and wishes that he could do something to make her more comfortable. He does not ask, instead, states, “You never do eat well when you are worked up. Has the preparation for this been a lot or is it something else?”

“Or someone.”

Nodding, “I always had that effect. Are you hungry now? I can go talk to the kitchen, get you something. Name it.”

“I’m fine. Did Eric tell you about his girlfriend?”

‘Rachael – yes, it was really something listening to him. He’s got it bad for her.”

“You’ll love Rachael, she is fantastic and so good for him. She is involved in everything and drags him along – even got him to join the wiffle ball league.”

“He mentioned that, sounds like fun – competing against other local colleges. You are happy about it, so I will assume that Eric never grew out of his shell too much growing up?”

Shaking her head, Marlena places her elbow on the table and her cheek rests against her palm, “Not really. Not on his own. I figured that going so far away from home would either be a good thing and give him all the space to become whomever he wanted to be or he’d be a hermit. Rachael is incredible for him and he is so sweet with her. Such a gentleman,” her voice is emotional and she turns her head so that her chin rests on her fingers, “so much like you in so many ways.”

Before he can respond, the pair are interrupted by Stephanie as she steps up to the table with five drinks in her hands. At John’s “What the-” Stephanie shrugs and says, “I waited tables at a bar in college.” At Marlena’s interested look, “It was Hooters in the early 90s and paid for college and we will just leave it there, at least until I drink one or two of these. Here.” She slides another Manhattan towards John and hands over the table a purple drink towards Marlena, “The Purple Rain, its high booze, the right amount of sweetness, and go down oh so easy.”

“Thank you.” Marlena takes in that Stephanie has a Purple Rain for herself, and then apparent spares for her and John. She considers multiple comments, but instead concentrates on sipping the foreign drink and hums appreciatively. “Delicious.”

“I know! I taught the bartender, so you’re welcome. John, how was your dance with the bride?”

An instant smile fills his features, “It was nice. Unexpected, like many things, but nice.”

“It’s so lovely to see Carrie so happy, isn’t it?”

Looking up at Marlena, John nods, “Considering Austin was the last guy I knew of and that whole debacle -” He shakes his head and sips at his glass, “Okay, the kid wasn’t that bad really. But Harrison seems smart, stable, and most importantly, absolutely in love with her.”

“You got to talk to him then?”

“Yeah, a bit. Was nice. Been more observing him with Carrie and others. I even broke the ice with Sami, so thank you for the suggestion.”

As the conversation continues with polite pleasantries, they are joined by Hope, Lexie, and Maggie. The inclusion of the women brings on more trips down memory lane as Stephanie soaks in stories and observes the two to her right. One particular story involves a snowstorm and John, then Roman, thinking that he could get their car out of the driveway, but instead landed it across the street in their neighbor’s lawn. 

“So he just stood there, in the livingroom and straight faced told me he got it out of the driveway. Never mentioning where, exactly, it ended up.” 

“I did get it out.”

“Jason was so upset and that tow truck guy-”

“Was an idiot.”

Marlena is laughing so hard that tears start to appear in the corner of her eyes and this sight makes John smile a full, genuine one. Stephanie has never really heard John belly laugh before nor grin from ear to ear. She inquires, “Is this the same Ronney from the surprise party?”

Marlena and John look at each other, before Marlena answers, “Why yes, it is. Good memory.”

“Kind of what I get paid to do.” Sipping at her drink, “I’m impressed that Ronney remained friends. I hope he borrowed your power tool and never returned it.” 

Such a comment brings about another round of stories and laughter. Through the comfortable banter, Stephanie sees the man that Salem knew well. He is an energetic storyteller, very animated as he gets into the events of his tale.

Stephanie also takes in the comfortable nature of the pair as their laughter pulls them into each other and one or both frequently reach out to gently touch the top of a hand or arm. Currently, John has his arm resting along the back of her chair and she wonders what the others think about this behavior. Is this natural, so they are not even noticing it or are they wondering why John is more affectionate with Marlena over the date he has brought with him. 

As for John, this is the most settled he has felt all day, frankly, all week. Things got a little overwhelming for him initially after the ceremony. Outside the church, it felt as if the entire place had surrounded him to ask how he was to where he has been. Questions about Stephanie, if people were excited to see him, and how long he had been in contact with the family flooded him. 

Sitting here with Marlena and the women friends of the past, his memories are bringing him joy. But then, suddenly, John springs up from his chair, causing a surprised “Oh” to slip from Marlena’s lips, as he moves quickly around the table, “Mrs. H! How lovely to see you! I kept missing you earlier, you look wonderful.”

“I look old John, but you are as charming as always. Help me to a chair, dear.”

“Certainly.” John quickly pulls out the chair next to Lexie and assists the woman as she gingerly lowers herself to the seat, “Do you need anything? A water?”

Patting his arm affectionately, “No dear, I am just fine now that I am sitting. This old body can’t party like it used to.” As Hope asks her if she is ready for a ride home, the matriarch shakes her head, “I’ve got a little time left.”

John had heard little rumbles from conversation that Alice’s health had been declining this past year and he studied her closely. She had been his neighbor, his friend, and mentor. He wouldn’t have survived Marlena’s death without her constant support and frequent assistance with the children. How many times had he come home from work with a crockpot or pan on the step with instructions of how to heat it up? 

He focuses back in as he hears Stephanie ask, “Life and death?” Not knowing where this question comes from, he follows her gaze to Maggie to understand that it is in response to something that she said. 

“Oh my, yes. These two kept the town on their toes. I mean, I have never been more grateful than for Marlena to return to us. Five years she was gone, kidnapped and we thought she had died in a plane accident. But then she came back.” Maggie reaches for Marlena’s hand and squeezes it. “Got my best friend back. Then we got Roman back, also taken by Stefano Dimera.”

Before she can stop herself, “What a great villain name.”

“Steph, this isn’t a fairytale.” She nods her apology, but agrees with herself that Stefano Dimera is a fantastic name for the hero’s arch nemesis. 

“I dunno, John,” he looks up at Lexie as she continues, “Kind of has the requirements. Finding out that he was my father means I have been doing a lot of reflection on him.”  

“What the hell do you mean?”

“Oh!” Lexie covers her face briefly in embarrassment, “Of course, why would you know. Yeah, surprise. Little fun detail that we found out a few years back. And I am sorry for all he did to you – the three of you.” 

“Has nothing to do with you Lexie.” Marlena’s voice is soft and holds the familiarity that the two have been down this line of conversation a time or two. “Stefano was a deranged man with a fixation on us.”

“You are using the past tense,” eyes move to Stephanie, “so he’s dead?”

“Well,” Marlena looks at John and then back to Stephanie, “we don’t actually know. After we got rescued – John and I got rescued from Maison Blanche, we haven’t heard from him again. So, we assume that he’s dead.”

Leaning further into the table, “Rescued? From France?”

“New Orleans.” John sighs, “Dimera is the man who made me think that I was Roman, while he had the real Roman captive. From what I know, I worked for him, he brainwashed me. Who knows. He terrorized us all. Kidnapped Doc.”

“Kidnapped her to Maison Blanche?”

“Well, yes. But he had her too during her missing years.” Looking over at Marlena, he almost whispers, “He was obsessed with her.”

Maggie’s voice flutters over the table, “And then Stella took Marlena and hid her in that pit – but John found her. The warehouse had a bomb in it and collapsed around them, but somehow, they managed to survive it. And just as that all settled, they went missing again.”

Stephanie’s eyes keep getting larger with each piece of information, and as Lexie attempts to point out that Maggieś details are completely correct, it is Hope that supplies, “Stefano had me at Maison Blanche too, I had been gone for years. He was a sick, twisted man. He got both John and Marlena to come to him, using them against each other.”

The dark brown eyes of Stephanie stare across the table at Hope, “What do you mean?”

“Oh, just knowing that the one would do anything to help or protect the other. It’s how he got them there and basically kept them.”

John has been watching Marlena closer and decides that this part of memory lane has gone on long enough, “And we got out of it and back home. And we could leave that mansion in- -” His voice trails off and Marlena leans towards him, touching his arm lightly to get his attention. Looking her in the eye, “The painting, Doc. At the church, Stefano had it in the library. It was on the far wall, I remember now staring at it when I first got there, as he made the call to get you to come there and it was there when I-” He shakes himself out of the memory. All eyes are on him as he takes a drink of the brown liquid and loudly clears his throat, “Anyways, we had some ordeals, Steph, because of him. He was a sadist bastard.”

Hope speaks, seemingly unaware of the emotion on the other side of the table, “And since we all got home from Maison Blanche, nothing from him. Things have been quiet since John left Salem.”

Under her fingers, Marlena can feel John tense and she looks quickly at Hope before returning her hazel eyes on him, “John, Hope didn’t mean it that way.”

“No, no no she’s right. I arrived and everything went to shit. I left and it got peaceful.” 

If anyone had been looking, they would have seen Hope realize what her statement actually implied, but instead, they were on the man who was completely different than the one who had been laughing so fully with them mere minutes ago. A darkness has settled into his features. 

“John, it was a coincidence, that’s all. Nobody knows why he stopped coming after us after that, but it wasn’t because you left.” Her voice slows and she watches him closely, “Nobody knows why he stopped.” His blue eyes flicker over to her briefly. She sees something there that she cannot recognize. “Hopefully he had a heart attack and died or something. We will never know.” Applying pressure to his arm, “Right?”

“Right.” Lifting his empty glass, he stands, “I need a drink and I might wander over to the guys huddle and say hello.” 

As he goes to push in his chair, Marlena places her hand over his, causing him to look at her. Fully look at her and she gasps. His cheek twitches, and he holds her gaze for another moment before he turns and heads towards the bar. She knows. She knows that John is the reason that Stefano stopped tormenting them. He made Stefano disappear from her life and the revelation causes her cheeks to burn and her mind to race.  

The chatter continues around the table, but Marlena slowly gets up and steps into the crowd of people. Stephanie watches her and quickly moves her eyes along the room until she finds John, standing with a group of guys but eyes focused on the retreating form dressed in mint green. 

“Those two still hold a lot of baggage for two that haven’t seen each other in years.”

Lexie agrees with Maggie, “So sad all that has happened to them, they were so much in love with each other. And always proved that they would do anything for one another.”

Sipping her drink, Stephanie tosses out, “Like walk away from everything.”

No one seems to truly hear her, as the gossip has shifted slightly with Lexie saying, “According to Hillary, things have been strained between Roman and Marlena for quite some time now. Been watching today, but they have hardly interacted. Didn’t talk much at dinner and only did the opening dance. They seem to be doing very separate things here tonight.”

“Yeah, but not in an uncomfortable way. Like, I’m not getting any hostility vibes.” Hope pauses, thinking over the interactions of her family that evening, “They seem fine. Anyone notice anything else?”

Before the conversation can move any further, Mrs. Horton speaks up, “I think there has been enough chit chat along these lines for one day. Those three have had enough said about them for a lifetime, that they don’t need family and friends doing so at such a happy occasion. And now, Hope dear, if you would be so kind to help me up, I think I will find Mickey and ask for that ride home.” 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Moving along the dance floor, John’s eyes search for Stephanie, wondering who he will find her chatting with this time. Last round it was Sami and he was happy to see that it was full of smiles and laughter. He had been avoiding Marlena, but John is smart enough to know that if she decides to end that, she will. 

As he steps to his right, he feels a hand grab his arm. Looking up into Eric’s smiling face, “Hey John, I’m needed for pictures, mind finishing up this dance for me?”

I probably had a bit too much to drink

It’s a little after midnight, you are probably asleep

I bet that you’re surprised to hear from me,  mm

Before John has time to respond, Eric dashes off and leaves his equally surprised mother standing alone on the dance floor. Swallowing hard, John steps towards her. Instead of encircling her waist, John simply puts his arm out towards her, allowing her to make the choice to dance or not. Marlena’s expression is difficult to read, but she steps towards him. She watches as her left hand reaches out and entwines with his fingers before allowing her right arm to slowly slide from his hip around to his back. 

As she fits into his embrace, his left arm moves to her back and he swears softly as his palm instantly finds the exposed portion of her back. At first, the two move pretty stiffly, but natural instinct sets in as their bodies sway together with the music. Their muscles relax into each other. 

I still have your number memorized

I know it’s been eight years, but I still got these butterflies

I know I might sound crazy

And you might be married, and you might have moved on

As they create a slow circle on the dance floor, Marlena sighs as John’s fingertip draws small circles on her back. She moves her lips towards his ear, “Did you kill Stefano?”

Once again, the bluntness catches him off-guard, but he won’t lie to her. “Yes.”

He prepares for her to ask him why, so that he can explain the obvious- for her. He couldn’t leave Salem and leave her unprotected. The only way he could step out of her life was to make sure that he left nothing behind to harm her. When he arrived back at Maison Blanche, he understood that he might be erasing any chance at learning about his past and his role in Stefano’s plans. As he stepped into the library, John came to the understanding that everything that he did as Stefano’s pawn might die with the old man. And as much as he wanted answers, he wanted Marlena protected so much more. 

He will now never fully understand his role in Stefano’s plans and all that he did under his control, and he also understands that he is not the direct cause of Stefano’s torment on Marlena, but he truly felt that if Stefano was still out there, she would never be safe. 

It was him who found her after Orpheus took her and he will hate himself until the day he dies for not knowing the plane explosion was a hoax. He found her on the pier, he found her in the pit, and together, they survived Maison Blanche. Without him in Salem, would Stefano have been free to take her? Would Roman have protected her or been able to find her if needed? It wasn’t a chance he was willing to take. 

But I have to ask before my nerve is gone

‘Cause I always wonder

If we could’ve have been something

Or is it all in my mind, and

I always wonder

But instead of why, Marlena surprised him again, “How?”

“Poison. In his Sherry. I didn’t physically put it there, but I made sure that it did get in there. And I made sure that he drank it. That he was dead and that his body would never be found.”

As they circle, Marlena’s temple rests against his cheek. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, the way that one might think it should be after such information has been revealed, but John has not felt any change in Marlena’s posture or muscles. She does not appear angry nor disgusted nor even shocked by his actions. 

Turning her head, her lips touch his skin just below his ear and her breath tickles as she whispers, “Thank you.”

“I needed you safe.”

“I think I always knew.”

And that was that. Nothing more ever needed to be said on the topic

Here I might have missed something

That we left behind and

Do you ever think of me?

And have you wondered, could we be

Something extraordinary?

As the music comes to an end, John clears his throat, not ready to let her go just yet, “Since it was only a half dance, may I have another?”

Her answer comes as she pulls their joined hands into the space between their chests. Picking her head up, Marlena stares into his blue eyes. “Again, thank you for coming.”

“Of course. I can’t say it has been all bad. I got another dance.”

A blush spread across her features, “A little slower this time.”

“But equally as lovely. I have you in my arms again and the music is lovely.”

“Was nice for them to play two slow songs for us then.”

Raising an eyebrow, “I wouldn’t mind another salsa. Get your hips swaying.”

“Stephanie seems nice.”

“That seems like a nice conversation shift. But yes, she is a great person and I am happy that I’ve been able to keep her on my team. She is really talented.”

“And you aren’t dating, so it wasn’t an awkward conversation to ask an employee to a family wedding?” His laugh causes her to smile up at him, “What?”

“HR nightmare in the making, Doc. There was a drawing.”

“Like a picture?”

“No, like a lottery. Basically everyone in the company, all branches, put their names in. A chance to find out about the mysterious John Black. Meet the family. But it was fair, anyone could put their name in and whomever won, I’d have brought. So could have spiced things up a bit.”

“Second time we have talked about you and a guy – is there something you want to tell me, John?”

“I don’t think I left any confusion on my preference in Miami. It’s never wavered since 1986.”

Marlena’s voice is so soft and spoken into his chest, “Then why did you leave me?”

I still remember how you looked at me

You took me in like there was nowhere else you’d rather be

And you made me feel beautiful

I made a lot of mistakes, I’m not a kid anymore

But I never forget that I couldn’t be yours

His heart, broken so many times, that there shouldn’t be anything left. But those six words shatter his heart in a way that he didn’t think was even possible. Sighing, he releases her hand in order to lift both of his to her face, stroking it gently, before wrapping his right into her hair and pulling her into a hug. He keeps her cheek by his neck and buries his nose in her hair. His throat hurts as he attempts to swallow. 

He whispers, “Which time, Doc?”

‘Cause I always wonder

If we could’ve have been something

Or is it all in my mind, and

I always wonder

“Miami. I was in your arms. What we had that night was-”

“Breathtaking.” He can feel her tears against his neck and he knows that they need to step away from this conversation. Right now, on the dance floor, is not the place. “I’m a coward, Doc. I couldn’t wait for you to wake up and have to go back to your life. I couldn’t bear to think about how I did exactly what I promised I would never do to you again, to put you in that position.” 

He squeezes her against his body and they sway to the soft music, “Our affair wasn’t your fault, John. I made that choice too, the same way that I did in Miami.”

“Perhaps -”

“No perhaps, it’s the truth. Roman and I haven’t been in a good place for quite awhile.”

Placing his finger on her lip, “I understand. I do. Right now, dance with me, Doc.”

Here I might have missed something

That we left behind and

Do you ever think of me?

And have you wondered, could we be

Something extraordinary?

As Marlena nods, she rests her chin on his shoulder and her breath tickles his skin. John allows his left hand to return to her back, immediately finding the exposed skin. The fingers on her left hand grip his tightly as if she believes it is the only way to keep him here with her, while her other fists the material of his suit jacket. 

Pulling her head back, hazel eyes lock on blue. They allow the conversation to continue silently, each desperate to get the other to understand just how much they mean to each other and how empty they feel without the other. The song continues and their bodies sway in slow circles. John uses his hand to pull her lower body as close as possible. 

As his eyes drop to her lips. He should look away, but cannot. Her tongue slips out and slides over her bottom lip and before he realizes what he is doing, his head tilts slowly forward. It is the soft moan and lips parting in anticipation that shakes him out of the spell. He lets go of her hand as if burned and backs away. His mouth moves, but neither are sure if anything actually comes out. 

Marlena stands on the dance floor for a moment, before shaking the fog away and going after him. 

I never forgot the way you kissed me

I never forgot the way you touched me

And once I thought I heard you say

You love me

Using her left hand on his right arm, she is able to pull him back around to face her, “John, don’t walk away from me.”

“Doc, I have to. Don’t you see.” Pointing towards the dance floor, “I can’t be in the room with you without that happening.” He practically hisses at her, “I almost fucking kissed you at your daughter’s wedding with your husband somewhere nearby.”

“John-”

“I can’t be trusted near you, Doc.” He looks so helpless to her in that moment, as his arms stretch out in exasperation, “I just can’t. I will always want you, want to touch you, and I will before I even realize it is happening.” John’s right hand digs into his temple, trying to ease some of the pain that has settled there. “Don’t you see? All I ever do is hurt you and I-” She has seen this level of sorrow on his face before, it seemed to live there for years after her return, “I never wanted to hurt you.” 

“John, please, we really need to talk. I need to te-” Marlena is cut off by Eric startling her, “Oh sweetheart, what do you need?”

“You – apparently we are cutting the cake and that involves more family photos.” He turns towards John, completely unaware of the tense moment he has interrupted and smiles, “I think I am going blind from the flashes.” 

“Alright, I’ll be right there.”

“No, go with Eric, Doc. It’s what you need to do – where you belong.” And with those final words, John takes a few steps backwards, before turning and placing as much distance between himself and Marlena as he can. 

And I never told you

That you’ve been the one thing, I have loved you all this time

And do you ever think of me?

And have you wondered, could we be

Something extraordinary?

Extraordinary

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

“Holy shit John! You completely miscategorized your relationship with Marlena to us.” As Stephanie moves through the ballroom and into the main hallway, she pauses and points each way, not recalling the direction of the car. 

John points towards the left and with a gentle hand on her back, ushers her more quickly than necessary in that direction. “I didn’t miscategorize anything, Steph.” 

“I can’t wait to get back to the hotel so I can call Erin and Greer. I wonder if I can figure out how to do a three-way call because today was a revelation.”

“Steph, seriously, stop. It’s not that big of -”

Stopping and looking at him, “Of a deal? Seriously? Over the past four years, I have pecked away at the history of your mysterious past and all we really figured out was that you were married and had step-kids and then that went south to the point where you needed to leave Salem. With an obvious broken heart, that you are still carrying and shows in your absolute lack of interest in dating anyone.” John’s blue eyes roll dramatically as he opens the restaurant door and lets her walk out first. He sighs loudly, smirking at the echo that happens in the small foyer as they go through the next set of doors. Once outside, Stephanie continues, slowing her walk so that he can lead the way towards the rental car. “You made it sound like a pretty traditional messy divorce situation and left it at that.”

“Wasn’t a divorce exactly, but otherwise, was basically one.”

Opening her own, she leans against the door and widens her eyes in shock at his statement, “Are you serious? Why are you lying after everything you know I heard about today? Marriage to your soulmate, wife dying, wife coming back from the dead, original-” Gesturing confused at the details, “or real husband comes back from the dead and you lose your identity and recently resurrected wife and children. Children, by the way, who simply adore you. Samantha was a little more closed off, but Eric and Carrie just gushed about you and so many others talked so positively about you as a father. I have to sit down and sift through all the stories, but you were super-dad.”

John, having made it around the grey sedan, leans against the roof and exasperatedly stares over at his friend, “I lived it, so why are you giving me a recap right now?”

“To show how badly you misrepresented this all to me before I got here. And how much you love that woman and frankly, how much she loves you.”

“Just stop-”

“John, I have seen people have sex on the dance floor before. Hell, I have danced like I’m having sex on the dance floor.” Smirking at his uncomfortable look, “What you and Marlena just did out there – that was – that was so intimate. Half of me felt like a voyeur and the other half couldn’t look away. And if that’s what happens when you two are together in a room, I guess I can see why you left Salem, but really – ” 

“Stephanie-” His voice is firm and causes her to instantly stop, “I really need you to shut up about it right now. I lived this. I relive it constantly. And right now, I need silence and to get the hell out of here.”

Hesitantly, Stephanie inquires softly, “Are you going to speak to her before we leave tomorrow?”

“We are leaving tonight.”

She doesn’t seem surprised to hear that response as she settles into the passenger seat. “Fast exit, while she is too preoccupied to stop you. That seems cruel.”

He looks back at the restaurant’s door and leans his head against the cool material of the car, before taking in a calming breath and thinks about his regrets. One more time he is walking out on her and he knows that one day, she won’t even speak to him again. As the regrets pile up, he slides into the driver’s seat and thinks, ‘What number is this?’ 

“Extraordinary”

Idina Menzel 

Seventh Regret 4: It’s Just All About Time

But if given time, and the person is willing to accept and move on, a path will appear through the regrets. It might not be the path that you expected…

~Howard Hawkes 

One, two, three

Somebody save me, me from myself

I’ve spent so long living in Hell

They say my lifestyle is bad for my health

It’s the only thing that seems to help

Emotionless. That’s how he feels right now. Helpless is another adjective for the past few hours of his life. Standing just outside of the church’s stone entrance, John buries his hands deeper into his pant pockets. He needs the restriction so that he doesn’t act on any violent urges to punch something. 

Ever since he got the call, his brain has been trying to process the information. Alice’s health has been in decline over the past two years, something he not only noticed at Carrie’s wedding, but also had people confirm to him. Since then, he has made sure to reach out more. They fell into long chats during the early morning hours, with her chastising him about avoiding work. Also sending the occasional flower arrangement. When he arrived at the church, it was Alice who pulled him into a hug and then firmly gripped his face, looking deep into his soul. It is as if she knew what he was thinking, what he was struggling to come to terms with. 

The last time he stood in this spot, it was for Marlena’s funeral. He stood in this spot before the service even began, trying to force his legs to move forward and take his rightful seat in the front row. His seat as Roman Brady, husband to the deceased. Son of Shawn and Caroline. A seat he has no right to and much like the wedding, he found himself in the second row. 

Time is a cruel entity. When John first left Salem, he prayed for time to speed up and get him past whatever amount of time was needed for the intense pain that consumed him to dissipate. And now, in these last few months, he almost wanted it to slow down. Seeing Marlena at the airport reopened so many old wounds and touching her body in Miami made him come alive again in a way that he was still trying to process. 

Stepping out of the shadows of the back of the church, John moves across the grounds, towards a young lady who is looking mighty small right now.  Wrapping his arms around her, he pulls her tightly back against his chest and asks softly, “How are you doing, peanut?”

A wince crosses John at the unexpected pain as her fingernails dig into the sides of his wrists, “I don’t know how to feel right now.”

“Yeah, I can understand that. I am struggling with a lot of that too.” Sami stays silent, as he rests his head upon hers. They both stare out over the hollow grounds and watch as people circle her casket slowly, laying flowers and a comforting hand upon the slick walnut wood. 

“Why do they do that?”

“Do what?”

One hand lifts as she points towards the people surrounding the gravesite, “Why do they place a hand on the casket? It’s not like Grandma knows or that you can give her comfort now.”

“I think…” John pauses and ponders the question honestly. Sami is no longer a child and over the past three months, they had been talking consistently and he had learned how important honesty is to her and in some ways, how essential it is for her mental health. She can handle the information, what she cannot handle is silence or lies. Adjusting his arms, he lifts them so they are wrapped around her shoulders, allowing her to rest her chin on his hands, “I can speak for myself. When your mom died, you and Eric were just babies, but Carrie wasn’t. She and I walked up to her casket and Carrie kissed it goodbye. What else did she know how to do to say goodbye, right? And me, I wanted to crawl into that casket. Jump into the hole. If it wasn’t for you guys, I would have. But to your question, touch. Humans like to touch things for connection so even though Caroline doesn’t feel it, they all do.”

John can feel her nod, but he also feels her tears as they slide down her chin and mix with his skin. “So they are trying to comfort themselves.”     

“Yeah, I think so.”

“John, I don’t know what to do without her. I’ve lost so many people from my life and I never have any warning.”

“So, you didn’t know she was sick either?”

John smiles as Sami gently wipes her cheek along his sleeve, “I don’t think anyone knew. I mean, mom probably guessed it because she’s-”

“She’s mom. Yeah. That would make sense.”

“But dad didn’t know and Carrie didn’t either. One day she was fine, so I thought, and the next she was in the hospital with a stroke. They say the artery in her brain was leaking. And she hadn’t been feeling right for a while, but she didn’t get checked out.” Silence overtakes them again, “John?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know if an Ischemic stroke is a kind you could fix if you caught it soon enough? Or if it would kill you no matter what.”

His body rocks softly with her, “I truly don’t know peanut.”

“Can I be honest?”

“Always.”

“I am afraid to know the answer, because Grandma said she didn’t feel good and mom suggested that she go to the doctors. I feel like I would be really angry if I found out that she could have been saved if she went.”

“Oh Sami-” John squeezes her and then continues, “you are old enough now to know that life is a series of what-ifs and you can’t live there. It can drive you insane.”

He can feel her smirk against his hand and hear it in her voice, “Speaking from experience?”

“That’s a fact! But I am trying.”

“That’s good. I feel pretty alone lately. Thank you for coming over to talk with me.”

“Why so?”

“I’m at that age where my friends have all gone off in different directions, Eric was so unhappy that he ran to Florida as fast as possible. Carrie is married and not nearby. Dad is always gone and now since he and mom have gotten divorced, he’s never here. I actually wouldn’t have been surprised if he didn’t show up today.”

“Samantha-”

“I’m not being rude – just factual.”

“I see what you mean. And now your grandmother is gone and you have a lot of empty space in your life. I am really not the one to give good life advice anymore, but I feel like I was good at dad advice once upon a time. And I’d suggest finding something that is yours. Maybe transfer to a school out of Salem or for a job. I’d be happy to help with suggestions.” Sami’s breathing is still staggered from her crying and the silence causes a bit of discomfort in John. He isn’t sure if now was the moment to suggest her moving out of Salem and he isn’t sure Marlena would appreciate that advice either, but his little girl seems so lost and living in the shadow of this town isn’t doing her any good. “Or maybe it’s just a job around here. Joining a club. Just something that is all for you and helps you meet people.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll think about it. I’m not a big fan of change. I had a father once who appreciated structure and repetition.”

“Consistency at its finest!” John chuckles lightly and then apologies, “I apologize for giving you that trait. Change isn’t always a bad thing. Your mom is so good at it. She always takes things as they come. Focused, like a knight.”

“Like a knight?”

“Yep! Unwavering belief in the correct path or solution. Confronted every problem with her steady horse and trusty shield.”

“Helmet too?”

“Oh no! Can’t mess with the hair.” The two adults laugh lightly and use the moment to release some of the sorrow that they are feeling. “Your grandmother loved you so much. Never forget that.” Her “thank you” is whispered so quietly that John hardly hears it. “Remember Sami, it is okay to cry and it is okay to be sad and it is even okay to be mad at the world – but only for a little while. She wouldn’t want you to be any of those things for long.”

“Did you tell yourself that after mom died?”

“Yes. Every single day. I told myself that she would be angry at me for sitting on the couch with her sweater instead of going to a family dinner. And I had you three to look at everyday and remember that it was now my job to take care of you and raise you the way she would have wanted.”

Sami tightens her grip on his skin before pulling out of it and turning towards him. She hiccups softly from all of her emotions and John can’t help but think that she looks seven years old again. “Mom is so sad.”

“Well, she loved Caroline like a mother.”

“Well, sad about that but more- she’s been sad for years. But…” Sami bites her lip and looks down at the dirt path, “She gets these dorky kind of smiles when she talks about you. She’s still sad, I think because you two keep meeting and going away. But she has been different lately. Even the divorce, it was a long time coming and I can’t stop thinking you – – nevermind. Time and place Samantha Gene. I should go find Eric.” She looks over her shoulder at the casket. 

“Go ask Eric if he would like to say one last goodbye with you. And, if I can make a suggestion, your grandmother loved being outside and walking barefoot.” At Sami’s confused look, “Flowers are nice, but she really loved the grass.”

Her eyes go wide and then she smiles up at the man that once was her father. “Thank you, John. You won’t leave without saying goodbye, right?”

“I promise. Go.”

All of this drinkin’ and smokin’ is hopeless

But feel like it’s all that I need

Somethin’ inside of me’s broken

I hold on to anything that sets me free

John watches her go and instinctively returns his hands to his pockets. A storm had blown through yesterday, cooling the temperatures off a bit this morning, but as noon approaches, the sun and humidity are promising a brutal afternoon. He starts to move along the well trodden path. Reaching for his right cuff, he unbuttons it and does a quick and casual roll, before mimicking the action with the other. The newer section of the cemetery buts up against the older section, with some tombstones dating back to the early 1900’s. Having lived in England for a short period, he has learned to appreciate just how new and young everything in the states is. He had done some sightseeing and made his way around both Abney Park and Highgate Cemetery. Stones and mausoleums dating back to the 17th century. He found it entertaining that Highgate was listed as “for first timers,” while Abney was listed as for “the adventurous sort.” John thought it was a nice balance. They both held a contrasting air of being forgotten and overgrown and lovingly cared for. The full size piano on Harry Thornton’s grave or another man having a lifesize statue of his dog laying in front of his stone were fascinating and impressive, but there was a row of fragile looking stones that would be lost to time and nature if not cared for from centuries ago that still fascinates him. 

There, everything was so unique and individualized, while here, it is same stone after another. 

John comes to a crossroad in the paths and he quickly looks over his shoulder to make sure that nobody is following him. He has had a lot of socializing this morning and not nearly enough caffeine for it. He will admit that coming for Carrie’s wedding made that portion of the day a bit easier and he is grateful for that. 

As the path does a final curve to the left, it comes to an end by a large Oak Tree. Standing next to the tree, John allowed himself to slide down to the trunk before simply collapsing to the ground. All of the energy has drained from his body and the increasing temperature isn’t helping. 

Lifting a hand, he wiggles a finger into the knot of his tie to loosen it and then pops the top two buttons of his shirt. The bit of relief is helpful. Placing his elbow on his knee, John allows his head to lazily lean against his hand as he looks at the ground in front of him. His blue eyes slowly trace the outline of where the richer shade of green grass cuts up against the older. He picks at a fallen piece of bark and uses it to occupy his hands while his mind moves from the past to the future to the present and back through again. He should know better than anyone how time does not stop for anyone. 

I’m a lost cause

Baby, don’t waste your time on me

I’m so damaged beyond repair

Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams

His ears perk a bit at the sound of heels on gravel, but he does not move. Instead he simply says, “How did you find me?”

“My spidey-senses.” She watches him nod, but her heart warms at his slight laugh. As she steps into the shadow of the tree, she adds, “I also happened to see you walk away after talking with Sami and not too many men wandering this section of the cemetery.” Marlena moves to sit next to him and on instinct, he turns and offers his hand to assist. After a little fumbling, she finds a comfortable enough spot. As she pushes off her heels, “This really isn’t a sit under a tree kind of outfit. You do realize that you will need to pick me off the ground, right?”

“I’ll even carry you back to the church so you can keep your heels off.”

“These are not standing around heels.” Looking back at the path she just walked, she bats her bangs off to the side, “They aren’t gravel, dirt path walking heels either. Generally they are shit.”

“But look hot.”

Keeping a straight face, she shrugs casually, “I’m glad there is that.” Hazel eyes meet blue and they stare for a few beats before they both simultaneously crack and enjoy a light laugh. Without thinking, her left arm reaches out and wraps around his right thigh, her fingers spreading out around his knee cap. “So why are you here? Were you just trying to get some space?”

“Well, yes. But spent a lot of time here once, so I guess, my body just naturally led me here.”

She leans forward.  John knows she is trying to see his face, so he helps her out and turns. He sees the confusion in her face as she asks, “Why would you spend time here?”

“You really don’t know?” His lips lock together and eyebrows arch up briefly as the realization takes over him. Patting her hand, John interlocks their fingers before looking back at the outline. “Well, this is awkward.” Marlena’s quick intake of breath informs him that she has put the pieces together, “Now ya got it. Didn’t realize that you didn’t know that this is where we buried you. But, also, how would you have? I never brought you and you never asked, that I’m aware of.”

“I thought about it from time to time. When we had Tom’s funeral, I can say that my eyes had looked at gravestones, even though I knew it was silly. Why would I still have one? But also, who would remove it?” His grunt causes her to bump his arm to get him to turn towards her, “When did you have it removed? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, Doc, that question has some layers to it. It was after we returned from Mexico and I may have released some of my anger out on your tombstone, so sorry about that.”

“Please provide more details.”

Chuckling, John points towards the grass, “So your casket was buried here with us looking at the headstone.” He pauses for a moment and she can see a darkness come over his features. She has noticed this in their interactions, even on the phone. At times, he is just the John that she remembers, but every now and then, the darkness that she saw in 86 spreads through him. An anger that comes out in cruel comments. Something that she has seen twice earlier today as he seemed willing to embrace a darker sense of humor. “I just want you to know that I had a conversation with the… whatever they are called, managers or care-takers. But that guy, he asked me if I wanted to keep it for next time.”

“The stone?”

“All of it! Like, just keep it right here and I don’t know, maybe unbury your casket and just toss you in whenever the time came again. Or, if no body again, we could just leave it and save the hassle of digging. Like what the fuck? No, I didn’t want a constant reminder that I had mourned you and would have to again someday. No thank you. So, we had gotten home from Mexico, and I was proven not to be Roman Brady and we told the twins and I came here. With a sledgehammer.” 

“John!”

“Yeah, I smashed that mother-fucker to a billion pieces. A billion pieces that I then had to pick up. Father Duncan was not very happy with me that night. And then I had them remove the casket, burn it. I didn’t see any of that happen, so, I will just have to assume.” Gesturing to the ground, “I do, technically, still own this spot. In case you know of anyone who would like a nice spot under this tree. I wanted you to have shade and see the leaves turn. That’s why it was facing the opposite direction of the others in this row.”

“But honey, someday I’ll need it and I’d still like to see the leaves change.”

What if the night sky was missin’ the moon?

There were no shootin’ stars to use wishin’ on you

And all of my sorrows, I’d just wash them down

It’s the only peace, I’ve ever found

“A little awkward to have you and Roman spending eternity in a plot that I cho– oh fuck. I’m sorry, Doc.” He reaches out to pat her thigh, but does not turn to look at her. “I didn’t think. I took my shitty attitude to another level there. I’m sorry about your divorce.”

“Thank you. If you ever let me speak to you, you would have known about it months ago.”

“What do you mean?”

“Miami.” His “fuck no!” only causes her a slight pause before she pushes forward, “Yep. I planned to tell you the next morning that Roman and I were basically separated and I was planning to make it official. I am not saying that because I saw you in New York that I decided to change my life, that is a bit dramatic. I was ready and seeing you again just reminded me that I have a lot of life left. All the kids were out of school, I had no excuses left to not think about myself and my future.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, truly.”

“For walking out on me or the divorce?”

“Both.” She watches with a little sense of satisfaction as it is his turn to have realization filter through his mind, “Aw fuck. The wedding. You and Roman were hardly ever together and you tried to tell me.”

“Yep.”

“And I refused to let you speak.”

“Yep.”

“I was lost in my own selfish shit and then I left.”

“You ran away. Again. Like a child.”

“Well, come on now, not like a child.”

“Like a big whiny baby child.”

For the first time that day, John laughs honestly. “Fair.” His eyes go to his hand on her thigh and he uses it to apply pressure and pull their hips closer together and then lifts his chin to meet her hazel eyes. They are breathtakingly beautiful and such an easy window to everything that she is feeling. “I should never have left, either time. But, I did and I can’t take it back.”

“Why did you?”

“Fear. A massive amount of fear of being hurt. If I left, then I ripped the bandaid off-” 

“And therefore in control of the pain.”

“Other option was to wait for you to tell me that it was lovely to see me, but now it was time to return to that family of yours. That family that wasn’t mine and was never going to be.” They sit in silence. Marlena knows he has more to say, but doesn’t want to rush him. “I’m a coward. I truly thought in 94 that I made the honorable decision, the sacrificial decision like the hero I wanted to be. I did what you needed, but couldn’t tell me. But over time, I am not sure if that was right or if it was just because I was too afraid to wait for you to tell me. I couldn’t have you look at me and tell me that your life couldn’t have me in it any longer. I couldn’t in Miami either.”

“Do you regret sleeping with me?”

“Why are you asking that question? Of course not! That gave me life. You, however, were married. And we managed to do the thing we promised we never would again. Like, how insane is that? I fucking leave this place so that we don’t continue our affair and hurt everyone. Six years later, all it takes is two chats and I’ve ripped your clothes off.”

“I think I took them off all by myself.”

“Semantics, Doc.”

“No, truth John. I choose that. And I would have chosen it in New York if the opportunity arose. Dinner, dancing, a walk, or sex. Anything to be near you. I’ve missed you so. And I haven’t felt seen in so long. Even at the airport, I saw your eyes scanning my body.”

John smirks and squeezes her thigh again, “That will always happen. Hell, I was waiting for the lightning to strike me down when I entered the church and stared directly at your ass. It looks fabulous in this skirt, by the way.” Tilting his head, he watches the slight blush spread across her delicate cheeks, “Why Dr. Evans, are you blushing?”

“Yes. And that is what I was referring to. Being seen. Being seen by you.”

“I did catch on to that in Miami. I spent a lot of time thinking about how you packed that dress for a conference weekend.” At the tilt of her head and slight scowl growing on her face, “You may wear whatever you want, whenever you want, Doc. Just saying, I understood that you needed, well needed some attention. Which led me down the dangerous road of why you weren’t getting it at home. And opening that door for my brain is never an emotionally stable idea.” 

“John, why didn’t you talk to me? On the phone, at the wedding? I get it, you didn’t want me to say I regretted anything or that it was great to see you–”

“All of me?”

“Always great to see all of you.” She buries her face in her hand for another moment of embarrassment. Wishing for a glass of wine, she continues, “I get that you didn’t want me to turn you away or say what we did, didn’t mean anything. But I felt – I feel that I was so clear in Miami that that wasn’t going to be. And at the wedding, I never once said that what we did was wrong. You just kept cutting me off and pushing me away.”

“Yeah. I did that. Pretty sure Stephanie never took a breath the entire flight back to Kansas City. Just berated the shit out of me.”

Leaning her head back on the tree, “Tell her thank you.” Silence overtakes the area, as both listen to the birds and try to enjoy the sun rays. They are a sight, basically cuddled together in their funeral clothes talking at what was once her grave. It basically sums up their dysfunctional history. Keeping her eyes closed, she asks, “How are you holding up?”

All of this drinkin’ and smokin’ is hopeless

But feel like it’s all that I need

Somethin’ inside of me’s broken

I hold on to anything that sets me free

“Pretty numb at the moment. I was so shocked to get the call, Doc.”

“I bet. I had Carrie call you as soon as we knew something, but it all happened really fast.”

“No judgement.”

“This has to bring up a lot of conflicting emotions. You know she never stopped thinking of you as a son. She spoke about you often.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better. It would be easier if she hated me and felt betrayed by me or something. I just think about all the time I have wasted. I basically have no actual relationships with anyone. I have kept everyone at arm’s length so that I couldn’t be hurt and now, here I sit thinking about all the time that I could have had… I could have had – – you know.”

“A mom. Family.”

“Yeah. Losing Shawn and Caroline as parents was hard. I felt so protected by them. They rallied so hard around me when you died. I wouldn’t have made it without them. And then to have that taken away and given to someone else in a second, it- it was so hard.” He lets out a deep sigh, “Can I be honest and you not judge me too harshly? God is already going to strike me for the ass watching earlier.”

“You can always tell me anything. John, look at me.”  She waits for him to comply before reaching out to touch his face gently. He holds her hand in face and buries his cheek further into her skin, smiling the perfume that is so inexplicably Marlena on her wrist. “I am always in your corner.”

Nodding, John speaks slowly, pulling a truth out of a dark cabinet in his soul, “When the DNA results came back, and I am sure it was influenced by Roman’s rants about me having a trigger and past harm done to the family, but when Caroline heard the truth, I saw the change in her eyes. You never looked at me any different, Doc. You never doubted me. But I saw the fear flicker through and though she didn’t treat me differently really, I could never quite get past that.” Spreading his palms apart in the air, “I always worried that she thought less of me- blamed me for deceiving her.”

“You didn’t deceive anyone.”

“Marlena, we both know that it was very reasonable for people to think otherwise. And I am not saying I blamed Caroline, but it wasn’t the same. I think it is what kept me a little closed off from her at the wedding. I think she was trying to reach out and I wish that I had taken the time to talk with her.” 

Marlena grabs his hand within both of hers. She leans her head upon his shoulder, tucking her forehead along his chin. She stares at their hands, examining the strength of his, the rough patches along the side under his pinky. A finger with light blue polish runs from his knuckle along the back of his hand. “Maybe it’s time we all cut each other a break. Focus on making the best of the time we have. Funerals always have a way of creating some clarity.”

“Yeah, but like New Year’s Resolutions, they are often short lived.”

“We could change that.” John takes a deep breath. Her body weight is making him perspire more. She can feel his body tense beneath hers and she closes her eyes tightly as the pain starts to squeeze her heart. “Have you ever thought about moving back to Salem?”

“Just about every day since I left.” 

“You mentioned earlier to somebody about rewriting the past and I have spent so many nights attempting to do that. And I realized that you can’t rewrite it, it’s already written into time and the only thing that I can do, is try to write a better future. I felt that, I had this weird feeling after we bumped into each other. Then Miami, I took it as a sign and I let myself feel everything that I wanted to. And again dancing with you at the wedding.” 

At her pause, John starts to say, “We probably should- -”

“Then this morning, I thought I saw you out in the church yard, over by the gardens. Carrie had gotten the impression that you wouldn’t be able to make it, so I thought I was going mad, but when I heard your voice and watched you do that manly hit and hug movement with Abe, I knew.”  

“Knew that it was me?” He knows that she is lost in many thoughts and because he does not want to walk where she is trying to take this conversation, he attempts to redirect, “Doc, we should get back. And considering – well considering the day, people probably don’t need to catch us here together.”

Lifting her head, Marlena puts both hands on the ground to steady herself, “Catch? We aren’t doing anything wrong.”

I’m a lost cause

Baby, don’t waste your time on me

I’m so damaged beyond repair

Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams

“I know, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just-”

Her hazel eyes are determined as she lifts her right hand to his cheek and tilts his face towards hers. Leaning forward and moving her left hand as needed for support, Marlena’s gaze moves to his lips as she sees his lips part slightly in anticipation. “Shh..” slips from her lips just before she captures his. She presses their mouths firmly together and holds herself there, feeling their pulses quicken. Then she captures his lower lip between her own, licking along the sun dried skin before allowing her tongue to dive into his mouth. A gentle moan escapes her, as she slips her hand from his cheek to behind his head, pulling him closer. His hands have not moved, but he responds to the kiss and that is all she needs for now. 

She pulls back just enough to suck in some air, before she tilts her head to the left and captures his lips again. The movement causes his head to push backwards and her hand gets momentarily trapped between his hair and the tree trunk. Realizing what might have happened, but also unable to break away from her, John reaches for her hand, pulling it back in front of him and finishes the kiss with a groan. 

His focus immediately goes to her hand, looking over the light scuff marks along her knuckles. John lowers his head to kiss the marks softly before looking up at her. Her smile quickly changes to a giggle, “Oh no, honey, I got dirt all over you – come here -” She licks her thumb and rubs it over the smudges on his left cheek. She repeats this until the dirt has been removed. “I got it off.” 

“Thank you.”

“We’re not hopeless, right?”

“Of course not baby.”

She stands and wipes carelessly at the fabric on her butt and John decides that now is not the time to inform her that it will need more attention than that to remove the marks. Instead his heart starts to tighten.

And just like that, she is crying and John cannot stand in order to engulf her in his arms fast enough. “Hey sweetheart, what’s with the tears?”

“Oh John…” A part of him has missed her emotional cries to him and his arms instinctively hold her tighter. Her crying is not hysterical by any means, but it is a painful cry that is fighting its way up and out of her. The tears slide steadily down her cheeks and onto his shirt and small hiccups surface. “Are we going to do this the rest of our lives?”

“Do what?”

“Dance around each other? I can’t keep doing this bump into each other for a few hours every couple of months and then share some phone calls and emails in between. Making nothing of the chance we are being offered. Someday one of us will be showing up to the other’s funeral and I… I don’t want to be a stranger, just a friend from the past.”

“Who says I’ll go first?”

She slaps at him, “Don’t joke!”

Wrapping his hand around hers, he pulls it to his chest and rests them on his heart. “Do you feel that?”

“Your heart?”

“Yeah. I’m very much alive, as are you. And I know my heart is yours. It has been since the moment I met you.”

“It hurts so much to turn and you are gone again.” He holds her close and allows her to finish the emotional purge that she needs from all the emotions she has had today and for the past few days. Her voice is almost childlike as she asks, “Did Stephanie really give you shit the whole way back when you left?”

“She’s Team Marlena all the way. So I sent her away.”

John says it so seriously, that Marlena’s outrage reaction has him cracking up. The exhaustion he has been under seems to be taking hold, because his laugh is louder and longer than it should be, but he loves feisty Marlena better than any other. “I’m just kidding. I sent her to London. She keeps me honest.” 

“London.”

“Yeah. London. You should be proud.” At her curious glance, John continues, “I took your suggestions. I got my house back in Croydon. Agnes and Mabel were so surprised. I joined a gym and attend some classes to make friends.” At her raised eyebrow, he raises his own, “I don’t have any yet.” 

“You will.”

“We’ll see.”

“John, I’m really happy for you. And proud of you.”

He squeezes her one more time and kisses her head before releasing her. “Thank you, that means a lot.” Lifting her chin, “And there is always hope, Doc. With us, always.”

She smiles lightly at him and nods. “You should get back.”

“We can walk together-” 

“No, you go. I have to get myself back into these heels and – -”

“You could use a moment.” Cupping her chin, John leans forward and kisses her softly. “I still know you, Doc. Always will.” He steps back a bit but notices her finger wrapped around his belt loop. It’s her left and for the first time, he notices that she isn’t wearing her wedding band. “I’ll see you back there.” 

As he does to move, she holds onto him until her arm is stretched out fully and he steps back onto the path. He moves a few steps and glances back. At her nod, he continues moving. This time the parting feels different. He regrets that he can’t stay or rewrite their past. But there is a peace that he hasn’t felt previously. For once, instead of intense pain, he has hope that maybe it’s just all about time. 

I’m a lost cause

Baby, don’t waste your time on me

I’m so damaged beyond repair

Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams

Jelly Roll “Save Me” 

Seventh Regret 5: Working On Those Regrets

But it can lead you to happiness.”

Howard Hawkes

Navy sneakers hit the smooth path one after the other in a calm repetition. The late morning sun is making itself known and increasing the temperature faster than John had anticipated. Reaching up, he runs his fingers under the green t-shirt sleeves and pushes them up and over his shoulders. He can feel the sunburn building on the back of his neck. 

Moving along with his morning run group, John is surprised by how quiet the park area is this Wednesday morning. Typically, by now, it is filled with grandparents and nannies with a variety of aged children running along the open green areas and playing on the different sets of jungle gyms. The added chaos usually adds a little extra fun of maneuvering their group around strollers, little kids on bikes or roller skates and the occasional run-away ball entering the path. 

“Olive, is it quieter today or is it just me?”

“No, quieter. My sister’s kid has interviews for reception today. So maybe a lot of schools have that going on.”

John looks over at her with a quizzical look, “Reception?”

“Yeah, Macy has to show off how well she can read and do her letters and stuff like that. They call it an interview, but as far as I know, every kid gets in. So-whatever.”

“Okay,” John nods, “so like our kindergarten then. Early age school. I just had to sign up Sami and Eric for our local elementary school and we had an open house. I remember the big deal the teachers made out of me wanting them to be in separate classes.” He wipes the sweat off from under his nose and takes a regulating breath before continuing, “I went in and filled out the forms. Asked that they not be in the same class and that afternoon, I received a phone call from Mrs. Turner, the principal,” He makes an exaggerated face at Olive to let her know how he felt about the intimidating woman. “-and you would think that I had said the most offensive thing ever. Here, I thought I was being all pro-active and modern with wanting the twinners to be individuals. Not always be attached at the hip.” 

John’s laugh increases when Olive tosses out, “Mrs. Turner wasn’t a modern visionary?”

“Oh no no no. She was terrifying.”

Looking at him skeptically, “Oh come on now, you’re not scared of shit.”

“Olive, entering Mrs. Turner’s office, to this day, is still the most terrified and sweaty I have ever been. That woman was a Trunchbull.”

“Alright then. I’ve got the right idea now.” A moment later she asks, “Were they in different classes?”

“Nop.” He goes quiet as the group makes a turn to the left and filters two by two to cross the small blue bridge to the other side of the park. Once clear, John joins Olive again and finishes, “I tried again at Open House, but Mrs. Turner was quite intimidating and here I was, a single dad. Man, did that woman play on that. According to her, I, obviously, didn’t know what I was doing. It was Sami, she pulled on my shirt and told me that she and Eric would be fine in the same class.” Lifting his shirt, he wipes his face and blows out an overheated breath, “That child, she told me that she was good at being in a room with her brother and ignoring him.” His smile grows as Olive laughs at the memory with him. “Wasn’t until second grade that they got to be split up.”

“Because Mrs. Turner retired?”

“Died actually.”

“Oh wow, plot twist.”

“She was a million years old.”

“I didn’t realize you had kids, just the two?” John goes quiet. He opened the door and Olive’s question is an obviously curious one. Since New York and bumping into Marlena, John has been talking to all three kids more and that has naturally filtered into him talking about them more at work and to the people around him. Like a proud father, he showed off pictures of Carrie and Harrison and spoke about Eric’s college courses and Sami’s internship opportunity. Even the trip back for Caroline’s funeral had him speaking more about his previous life in Salem. For those who have been around him for years, this was a one-eighty from the man that they had come to know and respect. Stephanie’s report from the wedding added a lot of fuel to the increasing fire and for John, it has been interesting to watch those around him take in the information and ask questions, but not step over the line.  

More recently, he returned from taking Eric and his girlfriend to the baseball game in Tampa. Rachael, he found, is a beautiful and funny young woman with a fun competitive spirit. The two enjoyed an afternoon of betting on strikes, hits, and outs, while John admired how comfortable she and Eric looked together. It made John so happy to see. He was also pleased with how easily he and Eric fell back into a comfortable banter, as if all those years never happened.

“Three. They have an older sister, the wedding I went to a few months back was Carrie’s.”

“Oh! I didn’t realize that was your daughter.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a complicated tale. We will need to start that story at the beginning of a run one day. But if you think the Mrs. Turner death was a plot twist, get ready for some excitement.”

The intrigue is evident on her face, but before she can really respond, the group run has reached a fork in the path and John indicates that he is going to head off in the other direction and start the journey home. 

He isn’t sure why he is cutting the run short. He asks himself if it is because of the conversation about the kids, but decides that it is not. He isn’t uncomfortable talking about it anymore. At least not about present information, the reliving of the past is still tough and basically impossible to explain. More than once, he has walked in on Stephanie trying to explain the timeline of his life in Salem and whoever is listening has literally no idea what is happening. His current favorite game is to interject a piece of information that throws a confusing wrench in the timeline. 

There is a peace that he is forming in his relationship with his past. And since moving back to England, back into his house, there is a peace that has settled into his soul as well. Something that he hasn’t felt in over a decade. A calm that he has been learning to appreciate, rather than fight. 

So it wasn’t the conversation that made him turn. The path was arriving and something in him just said that he needed to turn. So he did. Moving along it, he opts out of taking the wooden bridge and instead hops along the large boulders to the other side. Once on flat ground again, he picks up his pace, keeping his eye out for geese poop. Soon, the end of the park arrives and he uses a small wooded path that takes him out into a cul-de-sac. Cutting through the middle of it, he turns left and decides to stay in the middle of the road until he cuts right and down the side street leading to the main road. It doesn’t take him long until he is able to turn onto 8th Street and into the little downtown area. 

John jogs along the side of the clothing store Threads on 8th, but takes the right corner towards its front a little too sharply. As he turns, John is immediately eye to eye with a woman and he tries desperately not to bump into her. Instead, his left hip comes in contact with the metal garbage can. His wince is obvious as he lets a quiet swear word slip from his lips before looking up at the attractive brunette, “I’m so sorry. You okay?”

“You’re the one who hit something, so I should be asking you that question.”

John watches as her large eyes sweep over his body and he smirks at the idea that she seems pleased with what she sees. He can feel a little blush appear on his cheeks at the almost leer she is giving him. His head shakes slightly as his brain realizes how long he has been off the market that he can’t even figure out how to react to being checked out. 

Giving her a John Black smile, he nods slightly and replies, “I’m just fine, but will be keeping a better eye out… for people that is, from now on.” 

Turning to continue down the street, John gets the feeling that she is still checking him out, so he starts to jog again in order to give her a good view. However, he winces a little at the stiffness that has quickly settled into his left hip. 

Putting his left foot up on the metal bench, John stretches a little, but then his whole body freezes as he hears, “Did you get her number, Sailor?” Not lifting his head yet, his eyes take in her silhouette along the bench and the surprise keeps him silent. Stepping closer to him, she comments as seriously as she can, “That’s a hard way to pick up a lady. May I suggest you just try an old-fashioned pick up line?”

There’s so much I wanna say

But the words just float away, with the wind

Lord knows I wish you’d stay

But in the morning you’ll be gone again

So I lie awake

Afraid of the rising sun

Keeping his foot on the bench, he twists his hips towards her and leans his arm on his knee, “Well, do you have any particular lines that I should use?”

“Oh, um.” He’s proud of himself for flustering her and is intrigued by what she might come up with, “She had a nice smile, so something like, um, did the sun just come out or did you smile at me?”

His eyes widen in horror before his whole body falls into a laugh, “Oh no, no you didn’t. That’s horrible!”

Her embarrassed giggle mixes with his laugh and it is music to his eyes. There is nothing better than hearing her laugh and watching how it adds a literal twinkle to her hazel eyes. Marlena is half hiding behind her hand and bangs and half looking at him, as she tries to reply seriously, “I think she would have gone for it.”

Standing up straight, John watches as she collects herself and slides her delicate hands into the front pockets of the red chino shorts. It is coupled with a simple yellow t-shirt and white sneakers. She looks summery, casual, and relaxed – the most relaxed that he has seen her this past year. He can’t fully describe it, but she seems comfortable in her own skin, not forcing a persona or hiding. 

“This definitely can’t be a random coincidence, yet I don’t recall you mentioning a trip to England.”

Her thumbs slide into the belt loops and her head dips down towards the ground, yet she looks up at him through fallen bangs,  “You don’t think that I just happened to stumble upon this quaint little town while I was on vacation and just happened to run into you here on the street?”

She receives a typical John Black eyebrow raise, “I am intrigued about how you found me here.”

“Stephanie.”

“More information is needed. Like does Steph have me chipped? ‘Cause she isn’t above that.”

“No, I mean, well, maybe she does. But she does know your schedule and your running routine. She said there were two ways that you travel home and this was the easier one for me to sit and wait at. I got a coffee, sat over there, and waited.”

Looking towards the tables outside of Wildroast Cafe, he looks back at her, “Where’s your coffee? Or have you been waiting that long?”

“It was really pretty terrible.” She looks apologetic and sheepish, “So I dumped into into the plant. You don’t think it will hurt the plant, do you?”

“Probably kill it.” At her wide eyes and horrified “No,” John grabs her arm and keeps her from walking over to check on it, “It will be fine Doc.” Waiting for her attention, “What if I had gone the other direction home?”

“She gave me-” reaching into her back pocket, she pulls out a piece of yellow lined paper to show him, “the directions back to your house.”

“And why didn’t you just wait there?”

“Um – I got really nervous, felt a little stalkerish -” Swatting him for his look, “Stop it! I understand how illogical that is considering what I did do – sitting and waiting for you to appear on the street. But, I also was afraid that I would spill every detail to your neighbors. They are intense! Adorable, but intense. And Stephanie – Stephanie was no help because she wanted to see what the ladies got out of me, but then she offered to drop me off here before returning to the office.”

“So Stephanie is in on all of this. And you met Agnes and Mabel?”

“For a few minutes. In that time they offered me a dozen food items, told me about how happy they were that you were back – they call you Johnny which is beyond precious, by the way – and pretty positive I am attending a picnic on Sunday.” She seems flustered but happy, “I was agreeing to things and answering questions and got worried that either I’d give them my bank account and social security number or agree to move into their basement. It was-”

He offers, “Intense?” John returns her smile, “You met Agnes and Mabel alright.” 

John gets momentarily lost in thought as his brain attempts to get caught up to speed. They have spoken twice since the funeral a few weeks ago, and though he wouldn’t say there was any strain in their conversations, there was a bit of distance. Or maybe emptiness is the correct term. He has had almost three months back in his house and he has enjoyed the stability that has come with it. He has felt more content. 

She is staring at him oddly and John gives her a questioning look. “You do seem very content.” Unsure why she just said that, he starts to ask but then she smiles knowingly, “You got this far-off look and suddenly decided to inform me that you are content. And I agree with that. You do look it and you have sounded that way on the phone. However, should I take that as a hint?”

“What kind of hint?”

“That perhaps I shouldn’t be here.”  

‘Cause I don’t wanna face that

Shame when the daylight comes

‘Cause you’re that habit I can’t break

That thing I can’t get out of my brain

“Stop being insane. This is an incredible surprise.” Looking her over, she looks so youthful with her hair pulled back into a high ponytail and simple attire. Noticing that she doesn’t have a purse, he reaches out for her arm and tilts his head down the road, “Come on. Finish the run with me.”

His fingers glide down the inside of her arm before locking with her small fingers. Holding her hand, he slowly takes off and allows her to fall into step next to him. “How do you know that I can even run?”

The pace is easy, but he can tell that it is Marlena dictating the increase. It took mere moments for his hand to be sweaty, but instead of pulling back, John is leaving it to her to decide when she has had enough of his grossness. “You’ve mentioned running a few different times. There was a story about the treadmill this winter and your dislike for the machine. But you, what was it? Pulled a muscle on the stair stepper?”

There is a slight chuckle that slips through her lips, “Yes. I have proven not great at using the different machines correctly at the gym. I found a place with an indoor track. Not great but better than the machines.”

“How long have you been running?”

“Not long after you left Salem, actually. It was one of the few ways that I could release some of my pent up emotions. When things got too much, I could toss on some sneakers and literally run out the door. So, how much I do changes based on life’s circumstances really.” A glance at his face shows her the bit of a shadow that has casted over his features at the mention of his leaving Salem. Squeezing his hand, she asks, “How much further do we have?”

“We have until that stop sign up there and then go left. That’s my road.”

“Hidden Pond Circle. How hidden is the pond?”

“So hidden that nobody can find it.”

“That’s pretty hidden. How far down Hidden Pond is it?”

“Two and a half blocks.” His head turns towards her, questioning, “Why do you ask?”

Before he knows what is happening, Marlena has released his hand and accelerated her speed, “Race ya back!” Because of the mixture of shock and being impressed at her speed, John hesitates just long enough to give her a decent lead. As he starts after her, he chuckles at how she cuts across the street to shorten the route. He attempts the same, pausing a moment for a car, before working hard to catch up. The sweat rolls down both his chest and back and he releases a “fuck” when she only speeds up when he does. 

With five houses to go, John shortens the gap between them and is barely caught up as they reach his house, however, he laughs as Marlena keeps going, “You can stop now!”

His words catch her and she instantly stops. Turning around, she places her hands on her hips and leans over slightly to catch her breath, “I beat ya though!” He watches her in fascination as she straightens back up and takes a small circle walk, working on slowing her breathing. 

And ever since I got a taste

Well, I ain’t never been the same

I’m conflicted, I’m a mess

Girl, you got me torn in two

“Not bad speed for a woman your age.”

His statement hits her just the way he has hoped. Fire instantly appears in her eyes and her stance, “A woman my age?” She advances on him, “My age? What age is that exactly, John Black?”

They are so close, but are interrupted by a friendly voice from the porch, “Oh my Johnny, that really wasn’t a very kind statement.” 

“It’s okay, Agnes. She isn’t actually offended by the truth.”

“Oh you!” Marlena swats at his arm, but as her second hit touches his chest, her face scrunches up, “Oh, ew. You are so wet.” At his raised eyebrows, “Not the fun sexy kind.”

Leaning towards her ear, “Oh I’ve been this sweaty during the fun sexy kind too.” Her cheeks go red and he smirks triumphantly. “Agnes, Mabel, I hear that you have met the beautiful Dr. Marlena Evans earlier. Doc, the greatest neighbors a man could ask for – Agnes and Mabel. Ladies, what did we bake this morning?” 

“Oh well…” Agnes smiles down the porch towards her friend and continues to rock in her chair, “Well Mabel, did we bake anything this morning?”

“Well, no, I don’t think we did.”

Clutching his heart, John puts on a fake puppy dog look, “Oh ladies, loves of my life, you wound me. You two- not bake?  That’s a crime against humanity!”

“Oh well dear… we may have made something… perhaps from those peaches that you brought over yesterday.”  John can feel Marlena’s eyes shift towards him and he has a feeling that an accusing ‘John’ is about to slip through her lips, but Mabel saves him by talking to her first.  “You see dear, our Johnny here brings us things all the time. Fruits and vegetables for pies and tarts. Also flowers and candies. He really is too good to us.”

“Yes,” Agnes adds to the conversation, “he flies in things from all over. Sent to America to get us strawberries even.”  They both give him a proud grandmother look that just makes John smile wide. 

“He never seems to eat right, so we are happy that we can help and we love to cook and bake. So he is always happy to test new things for us. Like, we were working on a new zucchini bread for the bread competition at this weekend’s picnic and he was very kind to try all of our samples.”

Smiling, Marlena pats John’s belly and replies, “I am sure he was more than happy to help you ladies out.” 

“Well,” Agnes adjusts her glasses on the top of her curly white hair before continuing, “When Johnny moved here, the first time that is, he was pretty sickly. Really jaunt. And we could tell immediately that he was not taking good care of himself, so we decided that we would help.”

“And then he left.”

Marlena watches as the two older women share a nod. She can see that his departure really did affect them and she can only imagine. Like her family with Alice. Being next store always gave Alice something to do, whether it was watching the kids, helping with a meal, or just having someone to talk to in the driveway for a minute. She could tell that the kids growing up and moving out was a difficult change for Alice too, not just Marlena. And though Alice understands and has been nothing but supportive, Marlena’s more recent moving out of the house on Sycamore has been a great loss to the matriarch.  

“That’s right.  One day he just up and left and just as suddenly, he was back. Went over to welcome the new neighbor and we were shocked-“

“Pleasantly so of course.”

Another nod, Agnes continues, “Of course, to see that it was him. Again, he was as thin as a board and again, we had to fatten him up. Meat and potatoes is the way.”

John hears a slight giggle before he realizes that Marlena’s hand is on his stomach again, “You ladies are doing a fine job.” 

Grabbing her hand, he glares down at Marlena, “Excuse me, Doc? I’m in excellent shape. You saw that woman checking me out earlier.”

Her eyes darken, but the twitch at the corner of her lip shows that she is being playful, “I block out things I don’t care to remember.”

“Feel threatened?” Her breath catches as his hand unexpectedly cups her ass and squeezes before moving it up to her lower back. “Ladies, we should go get cleaned up and we will definitely check back in with you very soon. I know you are dying to get to know Marlena more.”

Mabel can barely hold in her excitement, “Stephanie told us a little bit before about what she learned while with you on your trip to Salem. She said you’ve known each other for a long time back in the states. And there seemed to be a lot of story there from what we gathered from Stephanie and Marlena.”

“Fuckin-a Steph.” He runs his hand through his hair before speaking loud enough for the older ladies, “It is a lot and we will fill you in, later.”

Collapsing her hands together, Agnes says, “That is wonderful to hear. I am so happy to hear that Marlena will be staying for a bit. Are you staying with Johnny? We will make sure to make plenty of servings to include you because it does look like you could use a little hearty cooking. I saw you leave your bags earlier on the porch.”

“Oh-well-” Her hazel eyes move between Agnes and John, “My stuff is here, but I have a hotel room nearby.”

“Dinner soon then? Do you have a favorite thing that you like to cook? Maybe we can make something similar.”

John takes some pleasure out of the discomfort that Marlena is currently feeling. “Uh, not really. No, I don’t have anything special.”

It is Mabel that asks the question. Well, it comes out as a question, but it is really done in that gentle old person way where you feel utterly insulted, “You do cook, don’t you dear?”

“Uh…” Marlena glares at John as he lets out a full belly laugh. 

“Marlena does not cook and we are all grateful for it.”

“John!”

His right hand grabs her left, partly to keep her from hitting him and partly to start pulling her towards the house. “I’m just being truthful.”

“Well, practice makes perfect.” 

She nods and smiles up at the porch, “So I am told, but I never seemed to improve and finally I didn’t have any more people willing to be practiced upon. Even my children, they would all run or kick me out of the kitchen.”

“Oh, I’m sure that Johnny would let you practice so that you could get better at it.” Agnes’s voice ends up mixing with the groan from John, as he begins to study the grass. 

Smirking at him, “Yeah, Johnny, you’d let me practice right? Try everything that I make?” 

“Oh sure.” He flashes his dimples at the three women and hopes to move past this conversation, “I’ve always been a strong supporter of her practicing. Offer my help and everything.”

“Bullshit!” The twinkle in his features shows that he is equal parts shocked and impressed by her outburst. She points a finger at him, “When we were married, you used to barricade the door, literally, so I couldn’t get in. Had that time where you didn’t let me in for weeks, so don’t go all innocent and helpful now. Oh don’t you shake your head John Black, you told me that take-out was invented to help people like me.”

That’s the final straw as laughter erupts from John’s body. He claps in the enjoyment of the memory, “I did say that to you.”

“Married?” Mabel’s question causes both adults to look sharply up at the porch. 

And It’s like morphine in my veins

The only thing that kills the pain

When the whiskey doesn’t work

You’re my shot of Novocaine

I’m addicted, I confess

Girl, my favorite drug is you

It is John that clears his throat and replies, “Uh, yeah. Marlena and I were married for a few years, a long time ago.”

“What happened? You two still seem so close-”

Realizing that Stephanie left some key tidbits out of the conversation, John jumps in before anybody else can say another word, “Well ladies, that’s a rather long story, and right now, I really need to clean up. Maybe some tea and a little treat later today?”

They nod their understanding in unison, “You know where to find us, son. We have food, dessert, and tea whenever you would like it. Should be lovely to sit out back.”

“Perfect.” Leading Marlena up his porch steps, he opens his door and indicates for her to enter and then he moves over towards her luggage and quickly organizes them in his arms before moving through the door and out of sight of his delightful, yet nosy neighbors. 

Once inside, the atmosphere changes quickly as both wonder what’s next. Marlena slides her hands into her back pockets, but then pulls out the paper with his directions on it. Looking around, she places it down on the counter, thinking that if she leaves it in the pocket she’ll end up putting it through the wash. 

Looking over towards him, she sees him fiddling with her bags and realizes that he is feeling the sudden awkwardness too, “John-”

 “Do you want something to drink?”

“John-“

Indicating towards the kitchen, “I have orange juice or I could make you some tea or coffee. Water?”

“John, please.”  She steps towards him, “I think we need to talk or well…” She looks down, suddenly unsure of herself, “I would like to talk, since I’m the one who is suddenly invading your personal space without notice.”

Stepping away from the bags, “Doc, you know you are always welcome.”

“Am I? Without notice. Without us having that conversation that acknowledges all that has happened in the past ten months.”

It’s too natural for him not to, so he lifts his hand up and cups her cheek, “Yes you are. If nothing else, as I once promised, you will always be my best friend.” 

“You made that promise over a decade ago. Honey, there are time limits on promises.”

Stroking her cheek, “Never that one.” Her hand comes up and wraps around his wrist, a move she has done hundreds of times before. As they get lost in each other’s eyes, John whispers, “You know, we haven’t even said hello to each other.”

Smiling softly, Marlena’s eyes start to mist over as she mouths rather than speaks, “Hello John.”

And I don’t know why

I always chase this high with you

Yeah, I’d stop it if I could

‘Cause I know you ain’t no good for me

“Hello, Doc.” Wiping the stray tear from her cheek, “I want to hug you, but I need to go shower first.”

She shakes her head and steps into his space. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she pulls him into her. Unlike the sweaty hug in Miami, this time she isn’t worried about her outfit or make up, so she buries her nose into his neck, and relaxes into him. His arms come around her shoulder blades and one hand slides into her hair, holding her head against his body. Their bodies breathe as one and sway slightly as the two remain in the foyer. 

After a few long moments, John whispers, “I can smell me and it’s nasty. I’m so sorry.”

“One more moment.”

“Doc,” kissing her hair, “I’m not going anywhere. Let me go shower quickly. Help yourself to whatever you need. When you go upstairs, there is a hall closet with towels, wash cloths and all of that in case you need to clean up a little bit. Get my stank off of you.”

John kisses her head once more and then rushes up the stairs towards his shower. He is acting natural with her, but she knows that he needs a moment to collect his thoughts at her sudden arrival and the unknown implications. Marlena moves towards the kitchen and locates a glass before filling it with water and drinking steadily. She leans against the large farmer’s sink and looks out the window towards the other neighbor’s property. There is a large space between the two homes with a lovely garden in-between. A garden that she assumes belongs to or is at least maintained by the neighbor. 

Setting her glass down, she decides that she would feel better with some water on her face and at least a new shirt. The race back wasn’t very long, but was enough to cause her to sweat and the drying material and skin feel uncomfortable. Moving towards and opening her larger suitcase, she pulls out a bra, nude thongs, and a yellow sundress. She leaves it open and moves up the steps. As she reaches the top step, she lets her eyes take in the thick wood beams and molding and what appears to be four bedroom doors, two on each side of the hallway with the bathroom straight ahead. She can hear the water running. 

Stepping towards the large built-in wood cabinet, Marlena pulls the doors open and reaches in for a towel and washcloth. Closing the doors, she leans her left arm against the wood and stares towards the bathroom door. She knows that she could use the kitchen to wash up or that there might be a half bath downstairs for her to locate. Instead, that directness she had in Miami fills her and she decides to test the waters. 

She opens the door to the right of the bathroom and sees that it is a guest room, full of sunlight and simple furniture. The light breeze from the open window, mixed with the sun, creates a lovely summer smell. She places her dress and undergarments on the bed and holding the towel to her chest, she takes a deep breath and moves towards the bathroom. She feels pretty confident as she turns the handle and pulls the door open towards her. She leaves it open and steps inside. The bathtub is straight ahead and the clear shower curtain hides nothing from her view.

John stands with the side of his body facing her, with the water hitting his face and rolling down his body. Her eyes take in his wide cheek bone and closed eyes, the line of his neck with the noticeable sunburn line from his shirt, and his broad shoulders with slight tan lines on his shoulder and bicep. The water moves across his muscles and she desperately wants to trace their path and feel those muscles twitch under her fingers. His pelvic bone is noticeable and she can tell he has done even more upper body workouts since their time together in Miami. 

As her eyes get to his hip, she realizes that she is lightly biting her lip. She runs her tongue over the sensitive area as she takes in his perfectly sculpted ass and thigh. The moment she entered, she looked at his lower half and saw only hip and thigh, but now his cock has begun to show and she can only assume it is from her presence and John being aware that he is being watched. 

“I told you not to hug me.”

“Do you know how much I love looking at you?” 

Adjusting his balls and cock, “Well, I definitely like to be looked at by you.” 

Putting the towels down on the counter, she reaches for the hem of her t-shirt and pulls it over her head before unbuttoning her shorts and letting them fall to the ground. Stepping out with one foot, she allows the other to kick the red material over by her discarded t-shirt. 

But then I find myself callin’ you over again

Father, help me ’cause I know I’m about to sin

John has turned and is leaning against the wall of the tub, looking through the clear curtain at her. He doesn’t blink as Marlena reaches behind her to unclasp her bra and lets it fall from her arms, joining the pile. The last piece of fabric is pushed off her hips and she squats to push it down her calves and onto the floor. Picking up the navy washcloth, she moves towards the tub, pushing the curtain aside slightly and allowing herself enough room to step in. John remains against the wall, watching her movements, but making none of his own. He stays half in and half out of the water, giving her all the rest of the room. 

Reaching out, Marlena wets the washcloth and reaches out her hand towards him. John stares at it and then follows her eyes towards the bar of soap. Picking it up, he places the soap on the washcloth and watches as she rubs the soap over the fabric and then runs the fabric over her chest and stomach. Adding more soap to the washcloth, she offers it back to John. With both hands free, she runs the cloth over her cheeks, nose, and chin, before moving over her shoulders and around to the back of her neck. Marlena hands him the washcloth and turns around. Taking his cue, John steps forward and waits for her to lift her ponytail before running the soapy material over her skin. He bends at the knees, gently moving over her butt cheeks, around her thighs and between her legs. 

As he stands, his grip on her shoulders indicates that she should remain in place. Rinsing out the washcloth, he lets it fill with water and then squeezes it over her back, removing the soap. He repeats the action two more times, before handing it back to her and stepping out of the shower. Meanwhile, Marlena finishes rinsing her front and quickly runs the cloth over her face again and under her bangs. Finishing up, John reaches over, turning off the water, and holds out her towel as she slides the curtain open. She takes the towel and pats her face before running the fluffy navy towel down her chest and legs. 

Wrapping it around her, she quickly dries her back and as she straightens, she looks directly into his eyes. “I feel much better now, you?”

“In some ways yes, in other ways, not as much.”

The edge of her mouth twitches into a smirk and she steps forward to put the towel on his shoulders and runs it down his chest. He reaches for her hands and stops her before she goes too much lower. Tilting her head, “You don’t want my help?”

“Time for you to get dressed.” Watching him closely, she lets go of the towel and turns towards her pile of clothes on the floor. She bends at the knees, collects the clothing, but then pushes her ass out as she goes to straighten back up. Swapping her backside with the towel, “Behave.”

Marlena giggles but walks back into the guest room and begins to get dressed. As she stands with her thong on and organizes her bra into place, she can feel John at the archway, “Watching instead of getting dressed?”

“Fuck, Doc. How cruel can you be?”

Turning towards him, she pulls the light dress over her head, “What’s wrong?” 

“You are going to wear that dress,” he gets momentarily distracted as she adjusts the dress over her breasts and then reaches up to tighten her ponytail. “That dress with your ass just hanging out, and I’m just supposed to be calm about that?”

“My ass isn’t hanging out,” she playfully turns, showing off her backside, “my dress covers it.”

“But a little breeze lifts it up and… ass cheeks.”

Stepping towards him, she allows her fingertips to trace the line of his pectoral muscles, “Maybe I just want to make things easier on you later.” Smirking at him, she turns and heads towards the stairs. Marlena swats at the back of the dress, forcing the fabric up and showing off a portion of her left cheek. 

“Fuuuuck-” echoes through the upstairs as he moves across the hall into his own room to locate a clean pair of shorts. Moments later, he moves down the stairs wearing royal blue shorts and his white and blue striped polo in his hand. As he comes around the corner, he sees Marlena in the living room looking at his long shelf.  

She stands in the center of the wall length wood shelf and her fingers slowly run over an empty wine bottle, touching the label so gently that she barely makes contact with the paper. Knowing that he is watching her, “You kept it.”

“Yes, took it with me when I left that morning. I truly don’t know why, but I got back to my room and it was in my hand. So, I rinsed it out and packed it.” He stays where he is, just inside of the room, “I displayed the bottle because, well, honestly, I wasn’t sure if I would ever see you again or if you would ever speak to me again, for a number of reasons, so I wanted something to remember it all by.”

“What are these bottles?” Marlena is standing up on her toes, trying to get a better look at the tilted bottles. She touches the matching corks, “Some look like the same label- are they all the same wine?”

“Yes, a few are the same bottle as the one we had, but actually full. And the other ones are the 1997 Walla Walla Syrah that we also had at dinner that night. I didn’t get the bottle we had.” Her fingers continue to trace the labels as her brain takes in the information that he not only kept and displayed the bottle from their night together, but also purchased more in remembrance of their time. John moves closer to her, but keeps his hands at his side. “This isn’t the best location to store the wine, so they are more a decorative thing. But, I do have some downstairs, stored correctly. We can have one with dinner one night. If you’d like to, that is.”

She ignores the awkwardness in his voice, “How many did you buy?”

“All of them.”

She turns and her eyes are wide at what she heard, “All of them? What does that mean?”

“I purchased every bottle of those two wines, those two vintages, that I could find. So, I have a couple hundred bottles of both.”

“A couple hundred…. Okay. So, I guess it is okay that these ones are being poorly stored, you have a few backups.” Turning to look back at them, “Extraordinary.” Silence overtakes the room and Marlena closes her eyes, deciding if now is the time to tell him about Miami. She begins slowly, “I think about Miami often. I felt so alive that night, both at dinner and-” Marlena turns with her arms securely wrapped around her chest, “in bed with you. Um, my marriage died out years ago, we just didn’t do anything about it. We just fell into living two separate lives that occasionally crossed and I got used to-” She shrugs and brushes her bangs from her eyes as she tries to find the right words, “to being a mom and therapist going through the day. But as a woman, I got used to being invisible. Plain and old and unnoticeable.”

“Doc,” John tilts his head, trying to get her to look at him, “you couldn’t be plain and invisible if you tried. You’re gorgeous. Always have been. You’ve spent a lifetime with men gawking at you – for better or for worse.”

“I used to know that. The truth is, you always told me that I was, even when we weren’t together and you always made me feel pretty and special. It was you and after you left, Roman’s interest in me- in us as a couple, in intimacy, or just looking at me like he was interested- faded pretty quickly. So I focused on the kids and growing my practice.”

“Marlena-”

‘Cause you’re that habit I can’t break

That thing I can’t get out off my brain

And ever since I got a taste

Well, I ain’t never been the same

I’m conflicted, I’m a mess

Girl, you got me torn in two

Her hand lifts to stop him, “Please, let me explain. This isn’t about needing pity or needing you to boost my confidence. I just want you to know how incredible that night was. You reminded me of the woman I used to be, when you were around. I felt so confident and sexy.” Shrugging, “I have missed that person.”

“I have to ask,” John isn’t sure if this is the correct moment, but he has been pondering this information since that night, “your dress that night-”

Looking at him curiously, “My dress?”

John’s hands go up to support his point, “It was incredible and you looked incredible in it. You packed it, and you didn’t know I would be there, so-” He’s fully uncomfortable and unsure how to ask what he is wondering, “Aw fuck, I just have been wondering who you packed it for, so I thought maybe while away on a trip, you liked to- -” At her wide eyes, John quickly clarifies, “no no not like that! I don’t mean that. Just, more, let your hair down, dance, have some fun. But now you are implying, unless I am all wrong here, that Miami was the first night in a while where you – you know. Shit, this is all so bad and not what I was meaning.” Pleading with her, “Help.”

He can tell that he has embarrassed her and she buries her face in her hands for a moment. “I packed it because of you. And I have no idea why or what I was thinking. But we talked at the airport and I started dreaming about you. And full disclosure, right? I never fully stopped dreaming of you, but I was dreaming so much about it, it was like six years ago again.”

“Were they nice dreams?”

“Some were nice and sweet. Some sad and bittersweet. Some… really hot.” Her face gets hidden again, before she pushes her bangs back and crosses her arms tightly around her. “I was remembering who I was and thinking about who I might be now if things were different. Then the conference in Miami arrived and I just packed the dress. Thought it would be good for me to wear something tight and go sit at a bar, have a drink, maybe a dance or two. And no, never to pick up and sleep with a stranger.”

“Not a stranger, so that worked out.”

“Yeah, it worked out really well. Mostly. I’d been thinking about a divorce since the twins’ graduation. Roman and I were basically separated. So I thought we would get through that and then get to the next step. Bumped into you and that gave me more confidence in my discussion. Nothing was settled, but I had brought it up to Roman before I left for Miami- we had planned to discuss it more when I got home. Then I bumped into you again and I spent all day thinking about it and how it seemed like fate. The paperwork was filed before Carrie and Harrison’s wedding, we just hadn’t discussed it. Carrie knew and I think everyone kind of did. We just didn’t want that hanging over the festivities and for Roman and I, not much was changing so it wasn’t like we were acting any different around each other.”

“I didn’t really realize until Steph pointed it out that you two had hardly been near each other the entire reception. And your body language at the church wasn’t uncomfortable, but wasn’t intimate either. I was too stuck in my own head though.”

“Your own narrative had you blinded to what was in front of you. And my God, you used every skill that you had to not really be alone with me. I tried to tell you and,” She laughs a little at the situation, “I should have just blurted it out on the dance floor. Thinking back, it was like every interruption was at the most inconvenient time possible with the most inconvenient thing – Eric pulling me for family photos.”

“My narrative was that you had a family and I left Salem so that you could have that family. And there I was, once again, trying to screw it up.”

She steps towards him and reaches for his hand, “But if you had stepped back and truly observed, you would have seen the signs. I didn’t mind walking down the aisle at the church with you or sitting with you at the reception or letting everyone see us dance or me trying to keep you from leaving.”

“Obvious-” he squeezes her fingers, “quite so now. Is this where I apologize profusely for being thick headed?”

“Not yet. I had a glass of water in the kitchen, I’m gunn- -”

Patting her hand, he lets it go as he moves towards the kitchen, “I got it.” He pauses a moment to toss his polo shirt over onto a nearby end table. He thinks briefly about how he should have, instead, put it on but now declares it too late. He is only gone for a moment before returning with two glasses of water. Gulping down his own, he passes the other to Marlena, before giving her some room. “So, we’ve had two in-person opportunities and however many phone conversations and have not talked about it. Think we are to the point where we discuss the fact that I walked out on you.”

He watches as she slowly lifts the glass to her lips and swallows. Holding the glass by the rim, she stares at the liquid as she lightly swirls it, “Yes, you let me love you and then you walked out on me.”

“Yeah. I got to love you and then I walked out on you.”

“Why, John?” Looking up at him, he can see that the pain is still fresh, “After what we shared, after all these years and our history, why would you have me wake up alone?”

“Fear. Our history. Selfish fear. You were married, Doc. And we were just repeating history, and that history never went well for me. For us. I left Salem and sacrificed our relationship to help you save your marriage and I understand that I made that choice. Not you. But, I was the one watching from the sideline and the jealousy was destroying me. Then our affair, you looked so destroyed by it. And then, Miami, we did it again.”

“We did.”

“And I couldn’t wake up to hear you tell me that it was a mistake.”

“I wouldn’t have. I thought I made that clear when we got to my hotel room.”

“You made it clear that you knew what you were doing – what you wanted. But the mornings often bring to light our actions.” His hands clasp together, “I was a coward. Selfish. And a coward. Such a coward that I packed immediately and left the hotel because I feared being near when you woke up. I feared feeling your disappointment in me.” 

“Disappointment?” She steps forward, sliding her fingers under his chin and lifting it, “John, I was broken-hearted. Shattered. And so angry.” Stepping back from him, “I knew from the moment I woke up that you were gone. But I did that stupid call out and walk out to the main room like you would magically be there.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And then I got so angry. The hurt came out in rage. I ripped everything off the bed and pushed the mattress, broke a lamp, and just collapsed on the floor. One of those outer body experiences and I, I don’t know know how long I cried, but it felt like my heart had been ripped up just as it was woken back up. I’ve only felt that level of pain once before-” Marlena closes her eyes tightly and lets the tears roll down her cheeks. She whispers out, “when you left Salem.”

John reaches out and takes the glass from her hands. He places it down on the coffee table next to his own and turns his attention back to her. “I told you I had to go, but I left when you weren’t looking.”

“I felt it. Just like when I woke up in Miami, I knew when you left Salem. There was a pain and a dread that washed over me. I went to your apartment to see what I already knew, that you did, indeed, leave and that I had no idea where you went and that I might never see you again.”

“It doesn’t make it better, but trust me, Doc, I understand that feeling of pain and dread.”

A soft smile tugs at her lips, “I know. I know you do. We’ve hurt each other. And in some ways, the worst part is that neither of us wanted to do so, but our situation didn’t seem to give us any other options.” Marlena reaches out and places her right hand on John’s bare arm, getting lost in running her fingers through his black hairs, “My choices put us in those positions and I do know that.”

Watching her fingers, he tries to lighten the mood slightly with a little teasing, “I also know that you took your anger out on my apartment too.” Her eyes go wide with surprise and John cannot hold back his laugh, “I got a call about being robbed, but once it was described to me, I knew it was more…” His fingers slide down the inside of her arm and push up her hand to interlock their fingers. He smirks and wiggles his eyebrows, “female rage.” As Marlena hits him, he laughs out, “Understandable rage.”

Instead of taking it too seriously, she allows this moment to release some of the emotional pressure that she was feeling, “I destroyed a lot of shit that day. Destroying a bed doesn’t have the same damage level, to be honest. Your living room had a lot to throw and push over.”

“I want to see this raging Marlena-” He uses their entwined hands to pull her closer and whisper into her left ear, “she’s got to be hot.” She buries her face in his neck in embarrassment, but John reaches his free hand up to cup her jaw and pull her head back up to look at him. Waiting for her hazel eyes to look at him, “I am sorry, truly Marlena, I will forever be sorry. But I cannot go back and change history- change any of our decisions. But, starting right now, we can make whatever decisions we want. So,” He kisses the palm of her right hand, “Pretty Lady, why are you here?”

“I’m here because of something Sami said… and something you said. I’m here so I can move on with my life. So, hopefully, we both can.”

“What makes you think that I haven’t moved on?”  She gives him a knowing look and seems about to challenge him, so instead John concedes, “Okay, I obviously haven’t. So what did Sami say?”

“Sami said, well, Sami yelled at me, while we were having a bit of a fight, and you came up.”

“Doc, I’m a little confused.” She watches as his hands move and therefore, moving hers as well, “You and Sami had a fight about me?”

“Not about you, just about life in general, but you came into the conversation. She mentioned that at Caroline’s funeral, you told her that I know how to deal with things and move on, while you are always stuck in the past.”

“I did tell her that. I’ve always envied you for that.”

She takes her arms back and moves a few steps away from him, before sitting down in the tan Lawson style chair. “See, I never thought I dealt with anything. Instead I just moved on.”

“Either way, your life went forward and mine just stood still.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it though? At least part of it?”

“No.”

“John… be honest. You were honest to Sami. I know she is still your little girl, so if you can be honest with her, why not me?”

And it’s like morphine in my veins

The only thing that kills the pain

When the whiskey doesn’t work

You’re my shot of Novocaine

I’m addicted, I confess

Girl, my favorite drug is you

“I couldn’t move on because of you.” He moves to the matching chair and sits. Leaning forward, he places his weight against his thighs, “I don’t think you truly knew how much I was hurting. How trapped I was in the past. I’m not saying you didn’t have a lot of emotions and hurt throughout that whole mess. I know you did. I know it was hard on you, but you had a life, a husband, kids and a focus. You could move on. It was all staring at you in the face and I’m sure it was hard, but you, as I said, had a life. You had to get up in the morning for the kids. Had Roman there pushing you in a direction. And occasionally your mind would allow you to wonder what if about us. But,” Opening his hands, “that’s all my mind did and I just became more bitter, jealous, and isolated. I didn’t have a purpose for waking up.”

“Sure you did.”

“What did I have to wake up for Doc? That didn’t involve any of you in some way?” After a few moments of silence, he sees her crestfallen face. They are both willing to truly face the reality of the past. “I lost everything. I had been a single father, a widow for years. I lost my job that I had worked so hard with – on those promotions. I lost my children and the day to day routines and all the noise in the house that came with the children.” Rubbing his face, he moves his jaw, trying to release some of the tension, “Honestly sweetheart, I won’t know if the jealousy or the silence was killing me faster. And then there was you.”

“Me.”

“Yeah. I had my love and my mourning. I lost you to Roman and since I wasn’t Roman, it was like I didn’t even own my mourning of you for all those years. I don’t think that makes sense.” Tilting his head in curiosity, “Do you get what I mean?”

“Yes, you felt that your years as Roman weren’t yours, because we took it all away and pushed you away and called you a fraud. So your emotions were also a part of that.”

“You never did any of those things, Doc.”

“I did, but thank you for being so kind. I was a part of separating John Black from Roman Brady. It was like a death, wasn’t it?”

“But how do you mourn people and a life that is continuing right in front of your face?” His heart breaks as he watches a tear slip down her cheek. He tilts his head and simply watches her. “Our affair gave a little part of you back to me. Then came the end of our affair, the loss was just another repeat of how I wasn’t allowed to keep you.”  

“So you left.”

“Had to.”

Marlena traces a finger along the blotchy design of her dress, “When Sami told me about how you felt you couldn’t move on, I began thinking. I never allowed myself to understand the hell you were in, the loss you suffered because I was trying to convince myself that you would move on easily. You had Isabella and then when you didn’t, I figured-” She brushes a tear away, “Actually, I didn’t figure. I ignored. And I’m sorry, because having lost DJ the way that I did, so suddenly. And then my marriage with Don collapsed and losing Roman that first time… I should understand loss. I should have known what we were doing to you.” The tears continue to fall as her words speed up, “I should have realized that we were literally removing the only identity you had and leaving you with nothing. I remember how my soul felt after finding DJ and realizing that my baby boy was gone forever, that I was no longer a mom-”

“You’re always his mom, Doc-”

She makes no indication of hearing him, “-and that loss nearly broke me. And I stood by and took your kids from you and made you stand off to the side and watch them grow up without you. And I am so sorry, honey, that I didn’t take the time to realize what it was truly like for you.”

“Doc-” John wants to cross to her, but allows her the space, “sweetheart, it’s okay.”

Shaking her head, “When you left, it was so confusing. When you were in Salem, I almost wanted you to disappear. Because seeing you meant that I had to think about you, I had to love you and dream about you- while I wasn’t allowed to do any of those things. But when you left, I was so goddamned pissed at you because you abandoned me. You took away any hope there might have been. I had to mourn the end to what could have been.”

“I never wanted to end up hating you, Doc. And I was worried if I stayed that I would or that you would end up hating me.”

“I know.” She bites her lip and stares at his bare chest, too emotional to look him in the eye right then, “In Miami, I felt the same way. That you had abandoned me and took away any chance.”

“You were still married!”

“I realize that too. So when Sami told me about your conversation, circling back to that, I realized that it’s in my hands. It always has been and that is why I just kept moving forward and you got stuck. I had been convincing myself that you made the choice, but no. Even in Miami, I could have gone after you. Could have after the wedding. But, I kept telling myself that you choose. Sami said that I was choosing by doing nothing.”

“So, you’re here.”

Smiling at him, “So, I’m here. Sitting in your living room, in a dress, with my ass hanging out, to tell you that I choose you. If you’ll have me.”

“Doc-” John’s heart races in his chest, enough that he can feel the pressure in his ears and his throat goes dry as he attempts to say, “Like I said at the funeral, I can’t move back to Salem.”

“I’m not asking you to. Sami pointed out that I can move here.” Using the arms of the chair, Marlena pushes herself up and moves over to John. He naturally opens his legs to provide her with room to step closer. She slides her fingers under the navy material of his shorts and grips his knees. A smile crosses her lips as his sharp intake of breath echoes through the room. “Since the very first day that I met you, I’ve been drawn to you and-” John nearly chokes as she whispers into his left ear, “and I have been amazed at how much we affect each other.” She drags her lips from his ear along his cheek before lightly kissing the corner of his mouth. Before he can think, she leans to the other side and whispers into his right ear, “And I think it is time to be all in on us.” 

And it don’t matter my conviction

I’m a slave to this addiction

The only cure for this affliction

Is a little bit of friction, hey

Copying her earlier action of sliding along his cheek, Marlena goes to kiss the edge of his mouth again, but John’s hands move in a flash to cup her face and crush his lips to hers. As they both suck in air through their noses, John opens his mouth to devour hers. His tongue goes to push through her lips, but finds no hesitation. Her nails dig into the skin of his thighs as she attempts to brace herself. Their tongues explore each others’ mouths, finding their natural rhythm instantly. Marlena pushes into John and as she starts to lose her balance, she refuses to pull out of the kiss. Instead, her hands come up to grip the back of his head, as her left knee comes down on the cushion beside his leg. She moans into his mouth as his hands wrap around to cup the back of her thighs. As her other knee settles onto the chair, she allows her weight to settle into his lap. John kneads her skin and as his fingers move to the flesh of her ass, they pull away to breathe, but Marlena gives them less than a second before gripping his face tightly and pulling his mouth back to hers.

Haggard breaths and deep moans fill the small room, as the two adults cling to each other with a desperation of time lost and future possibilities. Marlena grinds her hips into his, feeling the throbbing of his member along her clit. Gripping her hips, he holds her still and leans his head back. Their chests rise and fall quickly as his blue eyes find her hazel ones and hold their gaze, “I love you more than I can possibly explain.”

“I love you too.” She goes to lean forward to kiss him again, but his hand lightly grips under her chin and pushes her back. “What?”

‘Cause you’re that habit I can’t break

That thing I can’t get off my brain

And ever since I got a taste

Well, I ain’t never been the same

“If you kiss me again, we will need another shower and we have the invite for food, tea, and treats to prepare for. I don’t think us going over there smelling of sex is the correct strategy.”

“But us going over there with wanton looks and longing stares is?”

“Shit, that’s a good point.”

Marlena smiles at him and pulls his hand down from her neck. She kisses his knuckles and then his lips gently before pushing back to stand up, “The wait will make it better, baby.”

As she moves over to pick up her water glass, John clears his throat and asks, “Will you be putting pants on?”

“Oh definitely not.”

“Fuuuuck.” 

I’m addicted, I confess

Girl, my favorite drug is you

I’m addicted, I confess

Girl, my favorite drug is you

 “Addicted” Will Dempsey

Seventh Regret 6: No More Regrets

I had a good life

Before you came

I had my friends and my freedom

I had my name

Marlena takes the final stone step up to the porch and smiles as she feels John’s hand slide slightly on her back. Halting her momentum, she quips, “You can keep that hand on my back or at your side.” At his chuckle, “Make a choice.” She feels the sudden lack of warmth on the small of her back as John raises both of his hands into the air in surrender. Nodding, Marlena continues towards the door. Stepping to the side to allow John to knock, she whispers, “Probably for the best” before placing a firm pat on his ass. 

At his surprise reaction, Marlena merely lifts her eyebrows in playful amusement. The swift opening of the door by Agnes keeps any other reply from the man in check. As he ushers Marlena in first, he practically hisses into her ear, “You’re setting some dangerous rules.”

Once again, he simply receives a cheeky grin. He pauses his step slightly and rubs a hand over his face and to the back of his neck. He stands there, rubbing the muscle, as he watches Marlena effortlessly introduce herself to the women again and move with them into the kitchen area. John’s mind and heart are still playing catch up to the situation that is being presented in front of him. He has the same confident and flirty Marlena that was in Miami in front of him. The same woman that he married all of those years ago, but not the woman that he left in 94. 

The pit brought them back together. Finding her, just to be unable to save her, brought back everything with Orpheus and the plane explosion. To find her, only to let her down so completely still plagues his dreams and will always be his greatest regret. But in the pit, they were together. They faced the end and their emotions together. And then they were saved and tucking all of those emotions away became impossible. The Marlena during their affair was desperate and desperately lost. And he felt completely to blame for it all. At her pleading, they walked away from each other but they both died a little inside and their friendship struggled to find a way to still exist without the intimacy. Then came the fierce and determined Marlena of Maison Blanche. She was fearless and is the only reason that he is alive today. Late at night, when he is willing to allow himself the selfish thoughts, he feels that he was the only reason that she survived the pit. That he kept her alive long enough to be found. And she is the only thing that kept him alive in that dungeon. But the fallout of that was complicated. Her marriage had already been struggling, the secret of their affair hung over her like a vice and then came Roman’s accusations of what she was willing to do to save John. That fierce and determined Marlena vanished inside and that is when he knew he had to leave. He would destroy her otherwise. Thus destroying every second of his life built around protecting and loving her. 

“Johnny, we are on the deck. Are you joining us?”

He shakes himself out of his thoughts and realizes that everyone had moved onto the other room without him. “Uh, definitely. Of course.” Stepping into the kitchen, “Did Marlena bring the wine out with her?”

Mabel watches as he goes towards the kitchen cupboard next to the sink and lets him know, “We already brought the wine glasses out there. Though, we still only have the three after Agnes dropped hers on New Years Eve. We had plans to replace it, but you left, so we didn’t and- honestly, we just forgot. Old brains.”

“Well, I am happy to just use a glass. Do I need to grab one?” Seeing her nod, “And I will take care of the glasses. I could just run home for one, but not necessary.”

“Johnny, that’s an old plastic cup.”

“Yeah, seems the appropriate choice if you don’t have a wine glass. Unless, you have a red solo cup?”

“A what?”

Smiling at her, “That’s a no. And that’s just fine.” He looks at the kitchen table where there is a tray of vegetables and dip sitting between two pies. “These look incredible. Should I bring the veggies out?”

A nod and a soft ‘please’ is what he receives. Carefully, he pulls the tray off the table and heads towards the back of the kitchen, through a small pantry area and out the backdoor. He takes the four wooden steps quickly before moving across the lower part of the deck and up one step to a spacious area filled by a large outdoor table and matching chairs. 

He slides the tray onto the table and looks over at Marlena, comfortably sitting in the green cushioned chair. The yellow of her dress almost fades into it, and at his odd stare, Marlena raises a questioning eyebrow. 

It is Agnes that states, “Johnny always sits in that chair. But I am sure that he can make an adjustment for you.”

Before John can really reply, Marlena jumps up from the chair and uses a hand on his hip to push him towards the now vacant chair. As he sits, he grabs her hand and pulls her back towards him. Using his backside to slide the chair back a bit, John pulls the woman down into his lap. “I definitely can share.”

At first Marlena is unsure, but the chair is oversized and she quickly realizes that she can kick off her shoes and tuck her feet up into the front corner of the cushion and armrest, then relax back against John. He keeps his left hand on the arm of the chair, allowing her to settle against his arm and chest. Marlena’s cheeks go a little red as the two older ladies share a smile, but otherwise, she convinces herself to play it cool.

The conversation takes on an easy banter of simple introductory type questions that allows Marlena to talk about her children, the recent wedding, and her flight across the ocean. John takes a backseat to the conversation and allows the three women to chatter away. His main contribution is when Marlena hands him the bottle of wine, while mid-sentence talking about the Field Museum in Chicago. He shifts his weight slightly, reaching into his pocket for the bottle opener. John listens to Marlena as his hands twist the corkscrew into the cork. 

“- we were watching the technicians scan a mummy and it appeared to be an animal, something deer-like and later we found someone who explained that it was appearing as if gazelles were buried with people, an offering of some kind. Which was fascinating. Their collection of mummies in different stages is incredible and they have a Pharaoh’s boat, so looking at something that is four-thousand years old is just astonishing. I mean, it is weather beaten wood and part of me thought it was quite long for a funeral boat but the other part of me thought it was quite small.” She shrugs her shoulders and hands a wine glass to John. As she continues speaking, she takes the glass and passes it over to Agnes, “Anyways, the point of all of this is that multiple people talked about the Rosetta Stone and I now know it is here at the London Museum, I am really excited to go see it.”   

Mabel sips her wine as Agnes grabs the second glass for herself and Marlena holds out the third for John to fill. Mabel’s voice floats over the table, “Johnny, you’ll be taking her to the museum then?”

He is attempting to listen but is slightly distracted by Marlena taking the wine bottle from him before he was allowed to fill his plastic cup. “Um, first I’m hearing about this actually, but of course. I’ll take Doc to see whatever she wants to while she’s here.” His eyes are still on the blonde woman in his lap as she takes a sip of the wine and then hands him the glass. “I brought out a glass for me.” Marlena simply shrugs and leans forward towards the veggie tray. As a carrot slides betweens her slips, John tries again, “Doc-”

“It’s fine” is all he receives before a carrot is placed into his mouth.

“Well, this brings up two questions-” Agnes takes a moment to bite into a piece of celery and wash it down with the red liquid before starting again, ‘First, how long will you be here?”

“Oh, well, I’m not entirely sure to be honest. Kind of up in the air with plans, have no real timeframe to head back.” Marlena’s left hand reaches for the wine glass, allowing her fingers to slide slowly over John’s as she takes possession of the stem. He allows his thumb to quickly caress the side of her thumb before releasing the glass. She asks as she lifts it to her lips, “What’s the second question?”

“Why does Johnny call you Doc?”

Mabel adds, “Well, maybe that should be a question for him.”

John’s eyebrow raises and he can see the thoughts racing through Marlena’s brain, “Oh, I am good letting Doc take this one.”

“Why?” She looks down at him, “It’s your nickname.”

“Now, that’s debatable.” He watches her bite her lower lip and nod her head in agreement. Marlena swirls the wine before taking a large swallow and handing it back to him. She clasps her hands together in anticipation of explaining but then deflates and looks at him helplessly. A laugh leaves his lips and he strokes her hip, “Okay, I’ll get this started. So ladies, I am going to answer the question you haven’t asked about yet, but I know you’re dying to.”

Mabel’s eyes go wide, “About when you two were married?”

“And why you aren’t anymore, because-” Agnes’s hand gestures towards the two of them, “you seem to like each other alright.”

Smiling cheekily, “Yeah, I like her alright. Doc, hand me the glass.” She does and watches in half horror, half amazement as he downs the rest of the wine. The empty glass is returned to her and she busies herself with refilling it. She leans the bottle towards Agnes, but both ladies wave her off. Marlena also grabs a handful of veggies before settling back in his lap. Looking at her amused, “You got enough snacks for the story?”

“Think I am stress-eating.”

This honest acknowledgement causes John to laugh heartily and he is grateful for the break in the tension, a tension only felt by the two sharing a chair. “Okay, so the story is complicated and pretty unbelievable in many ways.”

“Has a lot of twists and turns.”

“Are you telling the story or am I?”

Popping a carrot into her mouth, she bites down loudly and says, “Sorry.”

“Alright then. This is an extremely abridged version and you will have a lot of questions, but if we could keep it all limited, that would be appreciated. We were married in 86. I don’t know much about my past. I arrived in Salem, with no memories, met this lovely Doctor and was immediately intrigued by her.” He rubs his face and thinks about how to continue. 

Still there was sorrow and emptiness

Till you made me glad

Oh and this love

I found strength

Never knew I had

Marlena gently says, “Probably Stefano.” Turning towards the lady, “We have been tormented by a deranged man, named Stefano. I had been married, Roman is his name. And we thought he had died, killed by Stefano. Few years later, I met John. I’m also very intrigued by him. And through a series of crazy events, Stefano tricks us into thinking that John was my dead husband.”

Agnes and Mabel’s eyes go wide, but neither speak. Both are absorbed into the details being presented. 

Gesturing with his right hand, “So, I lived as Roman Brady for five years. Our marriage was too short-”

“Because you found out that you were John Black instead?”

“No Mabel, why would that matter really? Wouldn’t end their marriage.”

John clears his throat, which brings the two women back to attention. “I said twists and turns. Not long after Marlena and I got together, I lost her. She was taken and kept, by this Stefano, without me knowing. I thought she was dead and I continued to live as Roman Brady.” Marlena can feel the fingers of his left hand grip her hip tighter and she settles further into his arm while sipping her wine. “But 91 came, Marlena escaped, she found her way home- back to us.” Her head leans into him and he cannot stop himself from turning his to kiss the hair on the top of her head. “Which was, obviously, a surprise- but an amazing one.”

Mabel turns towards Agnes and whispers, “But he had someone else in his life, that’s how these stories always go.”

Any frustration that John might feel is immediately erased as he feels Marlena release a large sigh. As she bites into another carrot, “Yes, he did. It was the night of his engagement party when we saw each other again.” Both women let out gasps, “But soon after, the next twist arrived, when we found my husband, the real Roman Brady.”

“And that’s how Johnny went back to being – well – John.”

John’s fingers keep rubbing Marlena’s hip and he nods towards Agnes, “Yes, ma’am. I wasn’t Roman Brady, wasn’t a police officer nor Marlena’s husband nor the kids’ father. It was all a lot. Isabella and I went our way and Marlena and Roman went theirs.” He raises a finger to stop their next question, “Isabella and I didn’t work out. And to give a quick rundown of all the dramatic details- Doc and I tried to be just friends, we got trapped in a pit and nearly died, then those emotions led to an affair that we quickly stopped, but then Stefano showed back up again.”

Mabel’s eyes couldn’t get any bigger, “What did he want? Something with your memory?”

“He kidnapped us. Had us both locked up and – and it was a horrible experience.” Marlena uses drinking her wine to give herself a moment to collect herself. Over seven years later and it still has the ability to stop her heart. 

John finishes, “I left Salem not long after we were rescued. I wanted to give Roman and Marlena their space.”

Hand clutched to her chest, Agnes says, “Oh no – that’s so heartbreaking. And why you were always so broken.”

Nodding his appreciation, “So to finish, Marlena and I have been speaking for almost a year now. She is the reason I moved back here. Her and Roman are divorced. And- yeah- those are the highlights. Did I miss anything?”

Shaking her head while she chews, “Nop.” Swallowing, she points to the women, “So going back to the question, Roman called me Doc. And if I am honest, it was to playfully mock my profession. Then John ended up with Roman’s memories, so he naturally called me that too. And has never stopped.”

Mabel’s tone is a cute combination of hopeful and accusing, “You don’t call her Doc to mock her, right?”

“I couldn’t be more proud of everything she has accomplished as a psychiatrist. I even sat in on a presentation that she did recently in Miami and I am grateful for how she helped me with my memories, but also proud with everything she has been doing to further the research studies on memory retrieval. I call her Doc because it is what I always have and it’s how I show her how important she is to me.” John has felt the change in Marlena’s body and looks at the ladies and asks, “Those two pies in there, is it possible to get a small slice of each?”

There are nods and both women stand, fully understanding John’s silent ask for a moment alone. But as they work their way across the deck, Agnes’s cheeky question of, “Two plates and forks or is just one enough?” floats across the warm air.

No answer is needed. John takes the wine glass out of Marlena’s hand and places it on the table top. Then he gently pries her other palm open retrieving the two unfortunate vegetables that got squished, before lifting both hands to her face. The angle makes it so his left hand can only cup her cheek, but he uses his right to gently trace a path along her jaw before tapping her chin, “You okay, Pretty Lady?”

She nods and as her eyes close, a single tear slips out, “Can I have a hug?” His hand slips behind her head and pulls her into his body. Holding her close and rocking slowly, she states, “It was so long ago, but just hearing the cliffnotes brings it all back like it was yesterday. The pain and fear about every bit of it feels so raw.” 

“We’ll have pie, talk more about the sightseeing you should do while here, and then we’ll get out of here. We are going to talk about this more, but it can wait.”

“We’ve got time, because like Julia Roberts says about her stay in the UK, I plan to stay indefinitely.” 

“I have no idea what you are referring to Doc, but I will assume it is a movie and I will watch it with you tonight, because that is the best thing I have ever heard – well since you said “I do” and I got to have you in my life.” He kisses her lips softly, “You sure you are okay? I’m positive Mabel and Agnes will keep the conversation peppy and neighborhood gossipy now. They got everything they wanted.”

“Should we go help with the pie?”

“Nop. I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.” At her confused look, he smiles at her, “My leg is asleep.” At her look of horror, John laughs and holds her tighter to his chest before she can think of moving. Kissing the side of her head again, “Just out of practice.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

And this love

Is like nothing i have ever known

Take my hand, love

I’m taking you home

Taking you home

Placing two glasses down on the coffee table, “Water. Wine.”

Marlena smirks at him, “How biblical. Thank you.” Leaning forward, she places her fingers on the base of the stem and circles it on the surface. “Is this one of the wines we had in Miami?”

“Yes, this is the Walla Walla Syrah. Felt like tonight was a good night to open one.”

“Gotta get started on the collection.”

“True.”

Silence overtakes them. Marlena picks up her wine glass and adjusts herself to bury her back into the corner of the couch, allowing her legs to pull up, and her feet tuck under her butt. “I appreciate how deep this couch is, like my legs would barely come over the edge!”

“I appreciate that you can still sit like a little kid.”

“Are you calling me old?”

“If you, then me too.” He settles back into the armchair, lifting his legs to settle on the top of the coffee table. 

The two sip at their wine, eyes moving around without ever settling on each other. Marlena’s hazel eyes look out straight, through the arch into the dining room area. The dark wood throughout the house is gorgeous and contrasts well with the light blue on the walls. The dining room is surrounded on two sides with large windows, one with a little nook. She can only see a small portion of it, but she loves the cushioned built-in bench that curves with the wall and thinks about how lovely of a reading area that would make. But it is the window on the far wall that allows her a little glimpse of the back of the house. “Is the fireplace that you spoke about in that backroom -” Pointing towards the windows, “that I can see out the windows?”

“Yes. It’s a little den area, keep my work stuff back there. Has a couch. I think I told you that it is excellent for marshmallows and you know I would do anything for you, so I am willing to start a fire and run to the store. Now, that will make it a million degrees in here and no fan will help keep me alive, but for you, I’m willing to commit suicide by fireplace.”

Her eyebrows raise at his dramatic rant, “It’s okay, we’ve had pie already.”

“That’s the reason? Because you’ve had dessert – not the million degrees or watching me burn alive?”

“You are quite dramatic. And I can wait until the cooler weather to enjoy the fireplace perks.” 

John swallows a large mouthful of wine and he can feel his heartbeat start to race as he asks, “So you mentioned this Julia Roberts’ movie-”

Supplying the name, “Notting Hill.”

“Alright, you mentioned that Notting Hill quote of ‘indefinitely’ and now said the fall, so Doc, what are your thoughts here? No pressure, no judgement – I just would like to know what we are working with here.”

“I moved into a temporary apartment back home, short-lease. I packed a few bags and flew here. I made a reservation at the Grand Sapphire for two weeks and figured I would figure it out from there.” Her nerves show as she points the wine glass towards him and John can see the slight shake, “I should call them and tell them I am here so they don’t give up my reservation.”

“Well, you should call them and cancel. You are obviously staying here. I have plenty of rooms upstairs, as you have already seen. You can have any room, including mine.”

“If I choose yours, are there any special, turn-down, services?”

His eyes darken, “Perhaps. First I need to know, when you say indefinitely, what are you thinking? Moving here full time? Getting a work visa? Just visiting frequently?”

Nodding, “The moving part. I understand moving across the ocean is more than moving to Montana. But I looked into-”

“Montana?”

“What? Just the first state that came to mind.” At his arched eyebrow, she tries not to get off track and continues on, “I did some research into how to get a work visa and I know that I might have to go back home for a bit, but I’ve got at least six months to get it figured out or started or whatever’s required.”

“I can help you – get my legal team on it.”

Smiling over her glass, “Thank you.” She thinks he might have something to add or ask, but when he stays silent, she determines that her answer isn’t complete enough. Wrapping both hands around her glass, she watches the tremble and takes in a slow breath through her nose and releases it out her lips. As she speaks, Marlena stutters a bit as she tries to calm her rising anxiety, “My plan, my want-” Lifting her eyes to his, “is to be wherever you are. And I’m ready to do whatever is needed to make that happen. At Caroline’s funeral you said you were settled here. I could hear it in your voice, you found a peace that I hadn’t seen this past year and I don’t want to mess with that. I- I want to add to it in whatever way you’ll take me.” 

John smirks and Marlena realizes how that sounds. His voice is thick, “I once offered myself to you on whatever terms.”

“Oh my.” Marlena’s gasp comes out a little louder than she planned. Running her hand over her forehead, she pushes her bangs back and holds them in place as she turns her nose towards the couch cushion. Images of them during their affair roll through her mind and she can smell the interior of his car mixed with his cologne as he basically tells her that he has an open door policy. “Seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday all at once.” Clearly her throat, “But- but” Pointing a finger his way, “I won’t let you derail my thought here.” Adjusting her seat slightly, she uses the moment to organize her thoughts and face him directly, “John,  I’m here to ask you to be my best friend again. To ask you out on a date. To offer us a fresh start. To hopefully be your lover again.” Her blush deepens and she goes to sip her wine, but realizes that she is too nervous to do that and instead leans forward to place her glass on the table. As she almost spills it, Marlena places both hands firmly on the base of the stem and steady the glass on the hard surface. “Oh gosh! I’m a mess.” She awkwardly pushes off the table to try and get herself seated back into the cushions. John silently watches and his expression warms as his eyes take in her signature swatting of the bangs. Again, she fidgets, seemingly very uncomfortable in her own skin, “I so want to quote Notting Hill right now.” 

“What’s the quote?”

She wants to retort that after all that she has said, that is what he wants to comment on, but instead a ramble slips from her lips, “Julia Roberts has this popular line that is equally as famous as the Jerry McGuire ‘you complete me’ line. Her character is a famous actress and has broken Hugh Grant’s heart a few times. She asks for another chance and when he is basically turning her down, she says that she is just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Her hazel eyes shine with unshed tears and lock with his deep blue. There is so much nervous energy holding his gaze, pleading with him to respond. John slowly pulls his legs up, allowing his feet to hit the floor and as he pushes to get off the chair, he places his wine glass on the coffee table. It takes one step with his left foot to have him in front of her. His right leg comes down on the couch, sinking into the back seam and allowing his knee to brush against her own. 

There were days, lonely days

When the world

Wouldn’t throw me a crumb

But I kept on believin’

That this day would come

Needing to support his weight, his left arm comes around her body and leans into the arm rest, while his right finds the top of the couch cushion. His blue eyes pierce her own, “Since 1986, this boy has been soul-crushingly in love with this girl. That has never, ever wavered, Doc. And if you are going to be in my life, it will most definitely need to be more than friends.” With that John captures her lips with his own, adding pressure to it by leaning forward. When he breaks away, his lips capture the skin along her jawline and then the skin in front of her ear. Marlena moans softly and instinctively tilts her neck, exposing more skin to his wandering lips. “I will need friends with benefits.” He allows his tongue to lightly trace a line from her ear down her neck before he sucks on the juncture between her neck and shoulder. 

“Oh!” slips out as her eyes close tightly, concentrating on the sensations that he is creating. 

With a little bit of maneuvering, John is able to twist to a seated position, pulling her along to straddle his lap. His hands come up to firmly hold the sides of her face, “I wanted to touch you and couldn’t in that position.”

Marlena lifts her right hand and gently traces his bottom lip, “I- I want more.” The same finger runs over his chin and down his throat and comes to rest over his heart. Flattening her palm, she can feel his pulse, “At the cemetery you told me that your heart belongs to me and I want that to be true. I want your heart, John Black. I want your soul. I want forever, however long that ends up being.” Pushing her weight into her hand, she leans down and captures his mouth in a desperate kiss. With her hand trapped, she struggles to deepen the kiss the way she would like. So she pushes her chest back just enough to slide it out and wrap it behind his head, holding his mouth to hers. Sliding her tongue into his mouth, she moans her approval as she reminds herself what he tastes like. 

Happily returning the kiss, John slides his hands under her dress to cup the exposed skin of her ass. Squeezing the fleshy area, he allows the tips of his fingers to knead the skin. As Marlena pulls away to gasp for breath, John takes the opportunity to latch on to the side of her neck again, sucking hard. 

“Oh God, John!” falls from her lips and instinctively, she pushes down with her hips, rubbing against his hardening member. 

As she rolls her hips a second time, John digs his fingers into her ass and breathes into her neck, “Fuck, Doc. That feels amazing.” Marlena spreads her thighs a little wider, allowing herself to put more weight down on his lap. He sucks in a sharp breath as she shifts her body into his again and his left hand leaves its spot from under her dress and comes up to dig into the back of her head. His other hand uses his grip on her ass to push her into him again. He lifts his own hips and pushes her forward, grinding their lower bodies against each other. Their moans mix together as their mouths descend on each other’s again. “I had to work so hard to keep myself from reacting to you sitting on my lap with barely any underwear on.”     

“I tried not to move around too much.”

Capturing her lips again, he says into her, “Appreciated.”

“We still have a lot to talk about.”

“Yes” is breathed into her ear as he latches onto it, biting the lobe gently, before moving to the sensitive skin behind her ear. 

As his tongue flicks out over the skin, Marlena sucks in a breath and nearly gasps out, “Things to work- to work- through.” The last word slides into a moan.

“Yes.”

“Later.”

“Yes.”

John’s right arm slides along her backside, prepping to support her weight against him, as his left helps him stand before the fingers scratch along her scalp and bury firmly into her thick blonde hair. Marlena assists by locking her knees and legs around his hips and wrapping her arms around his neck. After John attempts to maneuver around the coffee table blindly, Marlena takes pity on him and pulls her mouth away from his. He is able to move them towards the staircase, but as Marlena bites down on his collarbone, his groan echoes through the hallway and he pushes her up against the wall. 

Using the wall for added support, John is able to pull back slightly to cup her breasts, rolling them through his fingers before attacking her mouth again. As his left hand squeezes her breast, Marlena tosses her head back in reaction, but it quickly comes into contact with the wall. The thud is ignored by both as the “Oh God, yes” is moaned loudly out into the open space. As her nipple hardens with arousal, John is able to dig his thumb into the fabrics enough to rub it. His action causes the volume of her moans to increase, so he silences her with his mouth. Nipping at her lips and sucking on her tongue, his right palm desperately slides over her ass. 

“Fuck, Doc. I want you so badly. Like want to rip your thong off and have you right here badly.”

Her eyes are so dark, and it was always these exact moments that John loved the most. Marlena wild from arousal with pupils wide and darkened, hair tousled, lips swollen, and the need vibrating off of her. In these moments, John knew that she was fully taken with a need for release and would be willing to do nearly anything to achieve it. 

His left hand slides down to help hold, while his right finds the band of her thong. His pointer finger traces the thin piece of fabric between her cheeks and stretching his touch as far as he can, his eyes widen and a low growl comes up through his throat, “Fuck, Doc. You’re soaked.”

Marlena opens her mouth to respond, but as he slides his finger across her clit, tracing the folds puckering up on each side of the material, the words die out. That same finger moves under the material of her thong and into the wetness that has pooled. As he kisses her deeply, he can feel her pussy contract and more liquid flow from her. He isn’t able to do much more than flick his finger back and forth and apply pressure on her clit. 

Marlena lets her hands move over his shoulders, her nails digging into the skin of his back. She wants to touch every area of his skin, but also is overwhelmed by the need to release the building pressure within her gut. Her body is vibrating and she has lost any control of her actions. Her tongue licks the skin on his collarbone and then she bites down, possibly harder than she meant to, but she is rewarded with John thrusting his hips into her.  Scratching up his back, “Yeeeesss….”

She thinks he says ‘sorry” and she isn’t exactly sure why he is apologizing until she feels his hardened cock flick out and slap against her skin. She practically purrs into his ear as she uses the wall, pushing her shoulder blades into the hard material for balance as she pushes her lower half into him. 

John’s finger pulls her thong down enough to create a little slack, allowing him to push the material away from her opening. Trying to be mindful not to crush her against the wall, John balances her while gripping his cock and rubbing the tip over her clit. Her head flips back again releasing a loud, “Oh God, yes. That feels… feels incredible. Again.”

He wants desperately to suck on the exposed skin, but also needs to bury himself within her and is too afraid he is not coordinating enough in that moment. He follows her plea and rubs himself against her again, before slapping the head of his cock against her sensitive area. Their responses mix together as he repeats the rubbing followed by slapping motion. 

“John, I need… I…” her voice fades into a moan as he uses the tip of his cock to open her folds. He barely allows himself to enter her before pulling back out. She is breathing so quickly that she is unable to scream out. Repeating the motion of allowing his tip to slide into her moist heat, she hisses, “Yeesss…” 

“God, you already feel amazing.” As Marlena attempts to push him deeper into her, John pulls back. 

“John! Please, don’t- don’t tease.”

Watching her writhe between his body and the wall, John has to bite his lip and breathe deeply through his nose to keep himself from losing control. This time, he allows half of his length to slide into her, before pulling all the way out and repeating the action. Her moans are long and blend into each other, but turn to a scream as he slaps his cock against her clit once more before entering her fully. Burying his face in her neck, he sucks on the skin and pants against her, “You are so fuckin’ tight and warm and wet.”

After a brief moment, John wraps one arm around her back and the other under her ass and thrusts his hips into her. Pulling most of the way out and then all the way back in, John sets a long and smooth pace that quickly sends the first waves of an orgasm through her. Marlena’s skin trembles slightly and she can feel a small pulse move through her body. The pressure is sitting just beneath the skin and she so desperately wants it to explode through her body. 

As his thrusts continue, “Fuck- you feel so good.”

“John, Oh God.” Yes and please keep slipping through her lips as the pressure finally topples over and spreads through her body, causing her to spasm in his arms. As her body continues to involuntary twitch because of his cock sliding through her, she pulls herself into his chest and buries her face into his neck.

He uses her new position to squeeze her ass with both hands, lifting her and allowing her to fall back down onto his rigid cock. The movement that began with half his member sliding out before slamming back into her shortens into short, hard thrusts. His pace is quick as her muscles contract so tightly around him, squeezing and making it more difficult for him to slide. As another wave overtakes her body, Marlena screams out his name and John pushes himself deep into her as he explodes. Emptying himself inside of her, he stands still, allowing her muscles to rub over him as he softens. Her body is slick from sweat and her dress clings to her. Neither can seem to catch their breaths and John would give anything to be able to collapse next to her in a bed right now. 

With little coordination left, John works his boxers down off his hips and then steps out of the fallen materials, before turning and carrying her up the stairs to his bedroom. 

And this love

Is like nothing like I have ever known baby

Take my hand

I’m taking you home

I’m taking you home

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Kissing her bare shoulder, John wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her tightly against him. His body cannot help itself from moving slightly, allowing their skin to slide against each other. Kissing the outer edge of her shoulder again, “It’s astonishing how well we fit together. My body has never forgotten how you feel against it.”

“And you still know every inch of me.” He can hear the smirk in her voice, “Every last inch.” Her right hand lazily draws shapes on the back of his hand and wrist. “From the very first time that we made love, you’ve done things to me that nobody ever has. You make me feel things that nobody else can.”

Whispering in her ear, “I dunno, Doc. I think your dreams had me doing that before I ever got to.”

“What do you mean?”

“The cave in West Virginia, what you were dreaming was pretty fuckin’ obvious and you seemed pretty satisfied with dream-John’s efforts.”

She laughs at his statement, as her mind drifts back to that cold night long ago. What seems to be a lifetime ago. “True. That was far from the first one I had about you. You were like a drug, we touched when we shook hands and you were like a chemical that seeped into my skin. And I have never been able to get you out.” Her voice is barely a whisper, “I’ve never wanted to. One of the many reasons that my marriage didn’t work out. Despite everything I ever said to you about committing to Roman and our family and not being able to love you, all I did was love you and wonder how life ended up the way that it had. Like, speaking of the cave, what if we never looked in the briefcase and never thought you were Roman?”

Kissing the side of her head, “Oh, I’d probably have been shot and killed by Bo.” He lets out a soft snort, “He seemed very determined. So that wouldn’t have gone well for me.” His lips push into her hair again, “I don’t know sweetheart. Maybe Orpheus wouldn’t have taken you if I was just John Black. You would have been home with the kids and with me. But then, maybe we never would have found Roman and brought him home. The what-if game can be a dangerous path to take, Doc.”

“I know. And we can’t go back, right?”

“Nop. We can only go forward and learn from what previously came. A really gorgeous and smart doctor told me that.”

“Really? What was his name?”

John wasn’t prepared for that retort. He rolls his shoulder back a bit, allowing himself a little bit of room to laugh heartily. “I feel like I should go get you some food, you’ve had quite a day.” Lifting up on his arm, looking down at her, “When you left Salem, did you think within 24 hours you would end up here?”

His breath catches and the humor on his lips fades as he sees the intensity in her eyes, “Yes. I stepped on the plane with the goal to convince you to give me one more chance. To give us the chance that I didn’t before.”

She lifts her hand to touch his face and he captures it within his own, kissing her knuckles and watching as she rolls over on her back. “Doc, you’d have however many chances that you wanted, because I can’t deny you.”

“But, I think you did, at the funeral.”

“Nop. I said I couldn’t move back to Salem. Never said I couldn’t be with you. And truthfully, I think we both needed a little time to process everything. Affairs, weddings, funerals… it’s been a lot.”

“We have a lot to talk about still.”

“First, food?” She shakes her head, “You sure?”

“I’m good.” He settles back down into the mattress and maneuvers his arm underneath her, allowing Marlena to settle against his chest. Running her hand over the smooth skin of his chest, “So smooth and so strange to see all of your skin.”

“Disappointed?”

“No, it’s so kissable. But I also liked the feel of it against my cheek when we would lie like this at night, talking about our day. Always felt like home. I’ve missed these kinds of moments. I don’t really want to compare to Roman, that isn’t fair or necessary, but he and I never did that. We didn’t have anywhere in our routine where we just sat and talked about whatever was on our minds. I felt so close to you because we did it. Felt like I could share anything from work drama to the kids schedules to my insecurities to my dreams and you – -”

Interrupting her, “Your fantasies.”

“Yes,” dreamily, “fantasies and you would just listen and openly share your own.” Her hand comes up to her mouth and John knows that she is thinking about something. Rubbing her skin, he pulls her closer, letting her know to speak her mind. “Well, speaking of fantasies -” She giggles at John’s exaggerated growl of interest, “I might have already admitted, and if not, I have never stopped dreaming of you over the years. Certain times of year, it would be worse. Like around our anniversary or the day you left. But my dreams over been flooded with you since Miami and it is a little fascinating to me that sometimes I dream of you, like you are, hairless. When we made love in Miami, I could see the sweat shine on your chest in a way that I never have before and that would be so vivid in my dreams. But other times, it is you, just like you were before.”

“A hairy monster?”

Swatting at him, “Stop it! That’s not what I was saying and you know it. But yes, you had some hair. Made you look so dark, your summer tan with the black hair was so sexy. I’m excited now to see what that summer tan is all about.”

“I’m lazy and hire people to take care of the lawn, but I may have to cancel that service and get out there shirtless if you are expecting a tan.” The two share a soft laugh before a gentle quiet takes over, allowing the soft noise of their breathing to fill the space. He concentrates on how her chest rises and falls against him, beyond grateful for this chance. “You’re a therapist, a lot like that gorgeous one I previously mentioned.” Her laugh is music to his ears, “In your professional opinion, is falling into bed right now the wrong move?”

“Oh, goodness. Generally, I would advise a couple to talk before sex. It is often too easy for a couple to mask their emotions and the problems with their relationship with intimacy. And if they don’t find a balance to communicate with words as well as their bodies, then it can be very dangerous for the relationship.” 

His chin rests on the top of her head, making it a little trickier for him to move his jaw to speak, “Sounds like solid advice. Now, we aren’t the typical couple.”

“No, we have never been described as typical.”

“So, what is your advice for us?”

Marlena leans forward, allowing her mouth to land on the skin to the left of his armpit. Pushing her body up a little farther, her tongue flicks out and runs over his nipple, “You and I are incredibly physical individuals, with each other at least. We communicate so much through touch, so I would say that this is good – good for us. But because it is coupled with us talking, we’re good.”

“We are always good.”

At his suggestive tone, Marlena laughs, slapping his abdomen lightly, “Stop it, I was being serious.”

“So am I! Have we ever made love and you thought, eh, that was okay?” Her laugh continues and John attempts to push her into a full series of giggles, “Thought it was a good try, maybe next time it will be earth shattering? Pretended to orgasm?” He rolls her over, pinning both of her hands above her head, “Thought my performance could have been a little better – a little more convincing?” Marlena is consumed by giggles that she cannot stop, even as John leans down to kiss her. Her body continues to shake slightly and John kisses along her jaw, “Somebody is definitely a little tired and slap-happy.”

As he sucks on the area just behind her left ear, Marlena’s giggles transition immediately into a moan. She stretches her body out underneath him, giving him free and complete access to her. “I’ve never trusted someone like I trust you, John. Fully open and comfortable with you, even after all these years.”

“Yeah?”

She nods and lifts her head to capture his lips with her own. Opening her mouth, she moans into his, but is not able to increase the pressure due to her arms being restrained. “I trust you with my body, my heart, and my soul. I can lay here, like this, so vulnerable and exposed, but it’s not how I feel.”

“How does it make you feel?”

“On fire. Powerful. Wanted. Aroused.” Her eyes have darkened as she stares up at him, “What about you?”

“Determined. Trusted. Powerful.” As his mouth descends upon her own, “And oh so aroused.” The kiss is heated and John grinds his hips into her lower body. His semi-hard cock slides against her swollen folds and she moans deep in her throat. Letting go of her lips and hands, John turns his body to his side, once again wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her to him. His right hand slides up her body and cups her breast, softly kneading it as his cock settles along her ass. “I feel like anything is possible when you look at me with that level of trust and want. It also means that I want you at every second of the day. One would think that would have lessened over the years, both because we never saw each other and because of old age, but no. At the airport, my brain was immediately undressing you and I couldn’t stop staring at your lips, wanting to taste them. Then I got to touch and suck on every, single, inch of your body in Miami and I was basically damned again.” 

His fingers continue to play with her breast, lightly pinching her nipple and then sliding his thumb over it. Her moan vibrates in her chest and she closes her eyes, concentrating on the movement. “In the last decade, the amount of times we have spent like this can be counted on one hand.” His agreement is murmured into her hair, “Yet, whenever given the opportunity, we’ve taken it. If alone long enough, we can’t help but touch each other.”

“And once I touch you, Doc, it’s all over. I would have made love to you on that dance floor, in front of everyone. It’s literally the reason I ran. It’s the reason I have run every single time. I can’t not touch you. The idea that we could just be friends was the most ridiculous thing we ever said. Almost dying in the pit, all that emotion, ignited a bomb in us. A dangerous need to have you. I needed to know that you were alive and for some reason, the only way I could know that is by making love to you. I needed to connect with you, love you.”

“And Maison Blanche was so much worse. We never talked about the darkness of that experience and I wanted to forget it. I felt like the only way I could forget it to heal from it was to have you. I needed you to remove every thought of that place and what we went through-” He can hear the emotion in her voice and he knows her well enough to simply hold her tight and allow the tears to fall. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. And I know you felt the same way, because you said so in your note. You said that the darkness was overtaking you and that the only way to fix it was to have me. And that I wasn’t yours. And I told you as much. You said that you couldn’t control yourself around me and almost couldn’t stop when I asked you to and that frightened you. Frightened you about how you might hurt me. But, I hurt you. It was my fault. It was all my fault.” 

“Shh, Doc. That’s not true.” 

Where we can be with the ones who really care

Home

Where we can grow old together

Keep you in my heart forever

He kisses her hair and squeezes her, trying to give her his strength. “I still have your note. I had balled it up and threw it- it was the first casualty of the apartment rage. Then I flipped your table. Think I broke it, so I apologize for that. I had left the apartment and for some reason, I went back in. I found the note and picked up a sweatshirt – a black Salem PD hoodie. And I took them. Probably for the same reason that you took the wine bottle – I needed a reminder that our love was real, but also that it was over. I went into such a depression, that everybody just contributed to posttraumatic-stress of being held by Stefano. And it was so much more. But I needed to be a wife and a mother and a therapist and the only person who could understand – I pushed him away.”      

“And I am here now and forever. And we will talk about all of these things, because we need to face everything if we are going to move forward.”

“Another thing that sexy therapist taught you?”

“I never said she was sexy.”

“Oh, she isn’t?”

“Incredibly. I just never said so.”

Marlena moves her hips to grind her ass back into him, “I must have just assumed it then, because everytime you talk about this therapist, your cock twitches.” 

“My cock is twitching because, pretty lady, you are naked in my arms and it desperately wants to be inside of you again.” As she pushes back into him again, John’s hand slides from her breast to cup her right butt cheek and hold her still, “Sweetheart, you need sleep. You’ve been up since last night. My plan was to offer you food and let you sleep.”

Marlena moves to sit up and turn towards him, “And if I have other plans?” 

John reaches up and smooths her bangs back from her face, “I have no ability to say no to you.”

Moving to her knees, Marlena dips her head and allows her tongue to flick out over the tip of his cock, sliding along the length of him before continuing a path up his abdomen to his chest. John is overtaken by the sensation of her tongue but also her body as she makes sure to run her breast along his hardening member and then her lower body. “Fuuuuck!” echoes through the room as her lips latch on to his left nipple and sucks roughly. She creates a pattern of flicking her tongue over the erect nipple then sucking and then biting. His breathing is coming in short gasps, “Marlena- Doc, you need- shit that feels good but – but I’m going to come just from this.”

The look on her face is something that he has never seen before and once again, his cock moves to make itself known. As John reaches out to grab her, Marlena pushes both of his arms away, “No. No touching. It’s now my turn.” She moves off of him slightly to give him some room. “Turn over. That will help keep your hands to yourself.” 

“Wanna bet?” He does as instructed, laying flat on his stomach and moaning into his pillow as her body slides over his. Fitting her lower half over his ass, he can feel the moisture coming from her and the softness of her folds. “Oh shit.”

Her mouth descends on the back of his neck, sucking until the skin turns red, as her fingers trail over his shoulders. “I love your shoulders. I love watching the muscles ripple- there was nothing sexier than watching you do your morning workout routine before showering. These arms that can lift me so effortlessly, whether it’s from saving me from something or because you are holding me up against the wall to fuck me.”

“Fuck, Doc, you are killing me here.”

A pleased smile crosses her lips as she sees how tightly he is gripping the sheet. As her eyes drift back to his body, she reaches out a delicate finger to trace the phoenix imprinted on his skin. She runs it from tip of the wing down through the leg before repeating on the other side. 

His voice is muffled from the pillows and Marlena has to ask him to repeat himself, “You used to spend hours tracing the tattoo in that pattern.”

“Helped me think or calm down any anxiety.” Running her finger tips down the sides of his body, she finds the sensitive skin just below his arm pit and circles it. “Are you still ticklish here-” As he squirms, “Yep. Your body hasn’t changed, responds the same way it did when we were married.” Kissing his back, she continues to slide down, letting her breasts slowly run over his ass before she places a kiss just above the crack in his ass. She runs her tongue along the seam, before kneading the flesh in her hands, digging her thumbs into the muscle. She sucks and bites the flesh before trailing down the backs of his legs. She sits back on his left calf, allowing herself to grind against him and loving as he swears into the pillow. Lifting herself, “Turn over.” 

She can’t help but giggle at how quickly he obeys the command. His cock is hard and she can see the pulse. Licking her lips, Marlena bends over and runs her tongue along the vein. John sucks in a breath and works hard to keep his hips firmly against the mattress. He moves his arms over his head, gripping the edge of the headboard and watches the woman of his dreams move along his body. Taking his balls in her hands, she squeezes before taking one into her mouth, followed by the second. Lifting her head, she allows his flesh to fall and before John has a chance to catch his breath, her mouth descends over his cock. She moves quickly, taking in as much of him as she can before applying pressure and sliding back up. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” Try as he might, his hips lift, pushing himself deeper. He watches her movements and his heart races with need. With her delicate hand wrapped about the base of him and the head of his cock still between her lips, Marlena’s eyes lift to lock with his. Enjoying being watched, she sucks hard on the head before slowly letting it slip from the warmth of her mouth. 

“You are sexy as fuck and I am going to explode if you don’t give me a moment.”

Shaking her hand, Marlena climbs up his body and roughly claims his mouth. He can taste the faintest hint of himself on her tongue. Once again, his hips lift involuntarily, his cock pushing up towards her warmth. Her kiss is almost brutal, wanting to mark him. As soon as she feels that his attention is fully on her mouth, she grabs his cock and guides it to her throbbing pussy. Sitting back quickly, his cock slams deep into her. John fears he might have left nail marks in the headboard as he grips it so tightly and roars into the air. Marlena’s eyes close tightly as she relaxes her body to accommodate the intrusion and begins to rock her hips. Biting her lips, her tired body increases the pace. She can feel the tingling of the oncoming orgasm and she wants it to overtake her body. 

Opening her eyes, she gasps to find John staring directly at her. “Doc, I am so close.” 

“Touch me.”

It is all he needs for his hands to fly to her hips and then up to her breasts. He uses his grip on her breasts to push her down into him, but then, as the intense desire to explode into her rises, John grips her hips and arches him back, slamming her down on him over and over. Marlena squeezes her nipples, rolling the sensitive flesh between her fingers and her orgasm shakes her body so intensely that she feels she would have fallen backwards if John wasn’t holding on to her. As her pussy ripples over his cock, squeezing it tightly, he pushes into her one last time and empties himself into her body. 

Collapsing down on his chest, neither adult is able to catch their breath fully before sleep overtakes them. 

Oh and this love

Is like nothing I have ever known

Take my hand

Taking you home

Hours later, with the sun pouring through the window, Marlena’s hazel eyes flutter open. She feels his even-breathing on the back of her neck before noticing the weight of his arm over her hip. She needs to use the bathroom, but instead, she turns in his arms and snuggles into his side. His arm instinctively moves along her back, falling casually to her backside and resting on her butt cheek. A lazy smile spreads across his lips and he mumbles, “Mornin’.”

“We made it.”

His eyebrow raises as he looks down at her, “Huh?”

“It’s morning and we are here together.”

“This can be every morning if you want it.”

“I do. But, right now, I need the bathroom and food and coffee and- -”

“Doc, now is not the time for a to-do list. Go to the bathroom and then come back to cuddle with me.”

She leans down to kiss him softly before brushing his hair back and gliding the back of her fingers over his scruffy cheeks. “Every morning?”

“Every single one.” Opening one eye, “Absolutely no regrets.” His tired self struggles to control his hand as it lifts to stroke her cheek, “I love you.”

“I love you.”

Taking you home

Yes I am

Don Henley’s “Taking You Home”