Carrie. Please. You’ve got to take me. You’re an adult, you’ve got a car and a driver’s license. We can go and be back in one day! Please!” Sami begged.
At nineteen, Carrie Brady was at a loss for how to deal with her pleading little sister. She shook her head. “Sami, I can’t do that. We can’t do that. We’d need Dad’s and Marlena’s permission, and even if they were here to ask, you know they’d say no.”
“But they’re not here. Dad is off on one of his missions, and Mom went with Eric to Colorado and won’t be back for a few days.”
“Why didn’t you go to Colorado with them?” Carrie asked, although she already knew the answer now.
“I said I was sick and couldn’t go on the plane without barfing,” Sami said. “I said I’d stay with Grandpa and Grandma here in Salem instead.”
“But you just made up that story because you had this in mind the whole time?” Carrie knew the answer to that too because she knew Sami was quite the schemer when she wanted to be.
“PLEASE, Carrie. Take me. Drive me. It’s only about three hours, right?” Sami put on her best pleading look. “If you don’t, I’ll find another way to get there! I will. I have to go!”
“Sami, don’t you dare do something stupid. NO hitchhiking! NO running away! You hear me?”
In the end, although Carrie had grave reservations, she finally agreed. They got permission from their Brady grandparents, Shawn and Caroline, to spend the next day together. Carrie said she would bring Sami back before bedtime the next evening.
In the morning Sami was ready to go when Carrie came for her at 8:30 a.m. Although Caroline did ask what they had planned, they were so vague that they weren’t even completely lying.
It was Saturday, meaning that they didn’t have to deal with regular commuter traffic.
“You know, Sami, it’s possible he won’t even be there. We didn’t call ahead.”
The nine-year-old said nothing. But she crossed fingers on both hands, hoping mightily that he would be.
They knew the address, although they didn’t advertise in the family that they did, or how they’d gotten a hold of it.
Once they were in Chicago itself, Carrie vigilantly followed the directions she had written out beforehand and which Sami now read to her as they threaded her compact car along the various streets until they were driving down N. Fairfield, looking for the number of the building they wanted.
“There it is,” Sami pointed excitedly.
“Now we need a parking space,” muttered Carrie. But that turned out to be a breeze, and Carrie eased her car alongside the curb.
The two exited the auto and cautiously approached the glass entry door to the brick building. “Oh, boy. Just what I thought,” Carrie said.
“What?” Sami asked, a little alarmed.
Carrie gestured to the intercom system on the right and at the same time tried the door, which was locked. “We have to buzz him to get in.”
Sami took a deep breath and found the name and pressed it. No answer.
The older and younger girls exchanged looks, thinking their fears of futility had come to pass.
Sami repeated her action. No reply.
Carrie blew out a long breath. “He’s not there.”
Sami and Carrie both looked at the ground, disappointment washing over them.
“No, he’s not. He’s right here,” a deep, familiar voice said.
The two jerked their heads up and spun around to the man who had apparently come around the corner and now stood behind them.
Sami and Carrie didn’t think. They just threw their arms around him. And he embraced them both tightly.
“Hey, hey,” John said laughingly – but also with tears of emotion in his eyes.
“I’m so glad to see you!” Sami blurted, also teary-eyed.
“Well, I’m glad to see you too!” John bent and gave Sami a quick kiss on the forehead, and then he gave Carrie one on the cheek.
Carrie found she had a huge frog in her throat and couldn’t speak.
When they finally let go of each other, John asked the inevitable questions, “What are you two doing here? How did you get here?”
Sami pointed to Carrie’s little car. “Carrie drove us.”
John’s eyebrows rose. “You drove here from Salem?” he asked, looking at Carrie.
She nodded, still unable to speak.
He went on alert. “Is something wrong at home? Is Marlena all right? Eric? Roman?”
Carrie’s voice came back , “They’re all fine. Honest. Marlena and Eric are in Colorado.”
“Yeah? Where’s Roman?” asked John, still thinking there must be an emergency back in Salem.
“He’s on a secret mission.” Sami informed him.
“Oh.” John’s face clouded for a second, but he stopped that. “So,” he looked searchingly at the two Brady girls, “Why are you here?”
Sami quickly blurted, “I made Carrie bring me. I had to see you. It’s been so long, and I have to talk to you.”
John frowned. But he looked at the keys in his hand and selected the one that opened the glass entry door. “After you,” he said to Sami and Carrie.
Inside the industrial building that had been converted into lofts, he soon stopped them in front of his door. Unlocking it, he again followed them inside.
John’s Chicago home was airy and bright, some of the woodwork painted white but the stairs and the kitchen appliances a warm polished bare wood. The load-bearing walls were a yellow brick with various darker brick accents. It was not a huge place, but certainly plenty for a single man, and there was no sign anyone but John lived there.
Sliding the door closed, he said, “You’ve had quite a drive. You can freshen up in there.” He indicated the bathroom. “And maybe you’d like something to eat and drink?”
While they took turns using the facilities, he made them cold cut sandwiches and poured them soft drinks. Sami came out first and suddenly felt shy. She stayed by the outside of the bathroom and surreptitiously got a better look at the man whom she’d thought was her father from the first she could remember until about two years ago. His dark hair was collar-length (no more mullet). It was summer, and he accordingly wore a pair of blue jeans and a light blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up. No cowboy boots – just a pair of well-worn, brown lace-up shoes.
When they all sat at the small kitchen table, Sami reverted to common Brady table manners and said grace. Even though it was barely noon, the girls found they were famished and ate all on their plates. John, to be polite, ate a couple bites of the half sandwich on his own plate. But his mind swirled, wondering what kind of conversation they were going to have when the girls finished their food.
He also had a chance to marvel at how much Sami had grown since he’d last seen her. And Carrie was now nineteen! He was floored, remembering her as the twelve-year-old he’d first met back in 1986.
“Better?” he asked when they were done.
“Yes, thank you.” they chimed.
“Good.” he smiled at them. “Then let’s go into the front room and be comfortable, and you can tell me what’s going on.” He quickly took the dishes and put them into the sink, and then followed them. They had chosen to both sit on the couch. He sat in an armchair opposite, and leaned forward. Fixing his gaze on Sami, he waited.
Clearing her throat self-consciously, Sami was suddenly tongue-tied. And that didn’t happen to Sami often. She looked at the floor and blushed.
John said gently, “Peanut, it’s okay. You can say whatever you want to say.”
Looking up and into his kind eyes, Sami said, “I want you to come home.”
Carrie drew in a sharp breath. She knew Sami was direct, but somehow she hadn’t expected Sami’s message to be so abrupt.
“Ah.” John got up, rubbing his suddenly sweaty hands on his jeans. He moved behind the chair and leaned down putting his hands on the chair back. “Sami, I’m sorry, but you know I can’t. You know it’s been proven scientifically I’m not Roman Brady. I’m not your biological dad. I can’t live his life.”
“Why not?” Sami almost wailed. “You did live his life for five years. And we were happy!” She quickly added, “I mean, we weren’t happy that Mom wasn’t there for years, but we were happy that you were. You were our dad!”
Carrie tried to hold Sami and comfort her, at the same time saying, “Sami, John didn’t want to leave, but he had to. And if he comes back, he could go to jail again because there is a restraining order that prevents him from coming near our family.” Carrie was studying pre-law in college. She wanted to become an attorney, and she had looked up everything she could about this restraining order.
Sami blew out an angry breath. “Who did that?” she demanded.
John, who felt helpless seeing the pain on the girls’ faces and feeling his own pain rearing its ugly head, came over and moved the coffee table out of his way so he could crouch down in front of Sami and be face to face.
He took her hand. “Peanut, this is a very complicated situation. It’s hurt all of us, and that includes your mother and Roman, of course. Roman thought that if he had time – without me around – your family could heal and be happy again.”
“So he did the restraining thing?” she asked.
Carrie said, “Yes.”
Sami threw her arms around John’s neck. “It’s not working!” she cried. “He’s never around. Mom’s so lonely. And Eric and I – we don’t have a dad.” She laid her head on his shoulder and rushed on, “We only knew you as our father until a couple years ago. You’re what we remember. You were there for us. You loved Mom so much. And she loved YOU so much too. She was so happy when she finally returned and the two of you got back together even though she’d been gone for four years. You and Isabella went your separate ways – she’s married in Italy now, right? So, you and Mom reunited. Mom was so happy then, and so were you. I remember!”
Carrie cringed inside, knowing this was tearing John up.
But Sami didn’t stop. “Then, a few months later, our “father” came back. And I know they did tests. Lots of people including you explained it to me as much as you could. But, I don’t care about tests! He doesn’t want to be around us. He doesn’t want to be around Mom.” She started crying in earnest.
John held her and let her cry. He gave Carrie a haunted look and while he held Sami with one arm, he reached out to Carrie also and touched her hand.
Carrie held his hand with both of hers for a while. But then she needed to do something because all their eyes were tearing. She got up and found some tissues in the kitchen. She returned and handed some to Sami and John, and took one herself.
Sami quieted and raised her head. John took another tissue and ever so gently dried her tear-stained face.
He said, looking more at Carrie, “There must be a way to reach Roman? Even if he’s on a top-secret mission, the ISA must be able to contact him. I could call Shane Donovan and see about him sending Roman home so he and Marlena and all of you could work this out.”
Carrie looked at her shoes. “I honestly don’t think that would work.”
“Oh, Carrie. Punkin, listen. You remember your dad before he was taken away from you. You have a lot of good memories, don’t you?” They both knew she did. She did remember, and John had some of Roman’s memories so he knew it too. “You didn’t want anything to do with me when I first came around, did you? Somehow, you knew maybe, that I wasn’t really your dad.”
John continued, “He loves you, Punkin. He loves you, Sami, He loves Eric. And he loves Marlena too. I know he does.”
Carrie nodded. “He loves us. But he can’t deal with the situation. To put it bluntly” – good grief, she was becoming as brutally honest as Sami – “I think he can’t deal with the fact that Marlena, Sami, Eric, I, and everybody else in Salem thought you were him. That you fit into our lives so seamlessly. That you loved his family as much – or more – than he.”
She sighed. “You’re right that at first I resisted you when you moved in. I was a kid – not much older than Sami and Eric are now. At first I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that you had a different face. Sure, Marlena told me that you looked different because of plastic surgery. But, then I realized that was superficial. What counted was who you were. And you did have memories that I had. I couldn’t figure out how that could be unless you were my dad. Plus, you loved us all so unconditionally. You enjoyed being with us – and with Marlena. So,” she smiled wistfully, “you won me over.”
John sat on the couch next to Carrie and gave her a hug.
Sami said quietly, “Please, won’t you come back to Salem?”
John got up and ran a hand through his hair, making a lot of it stand up. He sighed.
But before he could say anything, Carrie spoke up again, “Sami, John has a life here. He has commitments here. He has a security company. Maybe he has a girlfriend who’s important to him. We can’t just barge in uninvited and ask him to turn his life upside down again – AGAIN. Especially since we don’t really know where Dad and Marlena are at.”
His hands in his pockets now, John again stood behind the chair he’d sat in earlier. “Girls, when I left – after the DNA tests and being accused of being a Stefano plant, – I left only after talking it over with Marlena. I left because, as she pointed out, she was married to Roman – your father. Since I was not Roman, and the other man was, she wanted to do the right thing, and put the family back together again with him. She loved him. She loved him when she married him. She loved him when they had you twinners. She loved you, Carrie, because you were his daughter – and, of course, because you are you. Even though she had truly believed I was Roman until the tests came back, she knew that she wanted to try to regain what she’d had with him when she found out he was Roman.”
All of them were getting teary-eyed again.
John pursued his thought. “So I backed off. I agreed to leave – the restraining order was not a deciding factor, only what Marlena wanted.”
He again ran a hand through his hair. He shook his head. “The thing was, I gave so much consideration to what Marlena said, that I didn’t give enough to another aspect of the situation. I didn’t think through what my leaving so abruptly would do to you, Peanut. To Eric, To you, Carrie. I was in my own world of shock and loss, and didn’t think of you enough.”
John looked both Carrie and Sami in the eyes. “I’m so sorry for that. I should have insisted on a better solution for you.” He sat down in the chair again. “The problem is, since I left, I have thought about it many times. And I can’t for the life of me figure out a better solution given the situation we’re all in.”
Sami looked down at her hands. She was going to cry again.
John said, “I love you both so much. Just because I’m not in Salem doesn’t mean I have stopped loving you. Not at all. Eric too, of course. You are still my children as far as I’m concerned. You always will be.”
Carrie answered softly, “We love you too – so much. We always will. You are a second father to us.
Sami nodded vigorously, Then, before she could stop herself, Sami said, “And you still love Mom, don’t you?”
John smiled, but there was sorrow behind it. “Yes, Sami. Always. But I’m going to trust you to keep that to yourself.”
Sami whispered, “Okay.” She got up and went to him and put her arms around his neck. She didn’t say anything.
John put his hand on her arm in the silence. When Sami let go, John looked at his watch. “Were you going to drive back to Salem today?”
“Yes!” Carrie said. “I’ve got to get Sami back to Grandpa and Grandma’s by bedtime.”
“Okay. I think we’ll manage that.” He got up. “Listen, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to drive you back.” Before they could say anything, he hastened to add, “I’m not staying. I’m not going to talk to anyone. I’ll just drive you back and return home.”
“Oh, John, you don’t have to. Besides, what about my car? I can’t leave it here,” Carrie noted.
“I’ll get one of my security people to drive it back for you. I know just the lady to do it. If I drive you in my car, we’ll have some more time for me to catch up with your lives.”
Sami couldn’t help beaming at the idea.
Carrie capitulated a little reluctantly. “I just don’t want to put you out. We just kind of descended on you without any warning…”
“That you did!” John grinned. “To say I was surprised is putting it mildly.”
“I’m sure glad you came home when you did,” Sami said, “We thought we’d missed you.”
“Well, I think the good Lord was looking out for all of us.” John added, “I will get in touch with Shane and see what he can do about getting Roman home. That’s about all I can promise right now.”
Carrie and Sami both nodded but looked unconvinced that that would be a solution.
After John called his operative and they all readied themselves for another three-hour trip, they trooped out of his loft.
Sami thought to herself, Maybe this is the start of a new, better chapter in our lives.
Chapter 2
Carrie stood outside the door of their family house. She took a deep breath and unlocked the door, knowing who she’d find inside, thanks to the kid next door whom she’d promised $5 if he reported exactly when someone came.
She opened and shut the door. “Dad?” she called tentatively. “Are you here?”
Roman bounded down the stairs, “Pumpkin!” He and she exchanged big hugs.
“I’m so glad to see you, Dad.” she said happily.
“Well, me too,” Roman said. “But where the heck is everyone else? Shane interrupted a case I was on, telling me I was needed at home. But I get here in a hurry and the house is dark.” He frowned, obviously confused.
“Marlena went with Eric to get him settled for a few weeks in Colorado. She’ll be back tomorrow. Sami is staying at Grandpa and Grandma’s here. She said she felt sick the day of the trip, so she stayed home.”
“Huh. Okay, so what’s the reason I’m needed here then? Sounds like everything is under control.” Roman put his hands on his hips and waited for an answer.
Carrie took another deep breath. She was quaking inside but she looked calm on the outside. “Dad, sit down, okay? I want to talk to you about something.”
They both sat on the couch. Roman said, “Hey, you’re not going to tell me you’re engaged, are you? Or something like that?”
Carrie huffed. “No, no, Dad.”
“Ah, whew. I’m not quite ready for that, Punkin.”
“Me neither, Dad. Not yet.” She knew she needed to say what she had to say before she chickened out. “I’m glad you’re here. You really were gone a long time – about five months without us hearing anything from you.”
“Yeah, I got involved in several missions that kind of piled up against each other, and the time flew. I’m sorry,” he said, and he did seem self-conscious about it.
“And before that, you were gone a lot last year too.” She tried not to sound accusing.
“Yeah, well, duty calls.” He shrugged. “I guess I get wrapped up in my work more than I should.”
“The thing is that the twins can’t get to know you if you’re not here, Dad. And Marlena is lonely. Aren’t you lonely, Dad?”
Roman got up and cracked his knuckles. He chewed at the edge of his mouth, and Carrie knew she’d hit a nerve.
“Sure,” he said with a grimace. “Sure, I miss you all when I’m gone. But somebody’s got to take on these bad guys, and I’m qualified to do it.”
Carrie said bravely, “Don’t you think we need you? Is that it?”
Roman looked down at the floor, then he went and sat in the chair opposite the couch. “Honey, I think this is something we shouldn’t talk about.”
“Why,” Carrie persisted. “I’m not a little kid anymore, Dad. I can handle it.”
He was silent for a bit, and Carrie wondered if he was really done talking. But then he said quietly, looking at the floor again, not her, “So much time passed while I was gone. You and the twins did a lot of growing. I missed so much.”
Carrie felt hot tears in her eyes and knew he probably had them in his eyes too. “I know, Dad. I’m so sorry.” She got up and moved to his side to give him a consoling hug.
Roman cleared his throat and said huskily. “You’ve got no reason to be sorry. None of it was your fault.”
“I did what the rest of the family did. I thought someone else was you, Dad. I’m sure that’s hard for you to forget.”
Roman got up and pulled her into an embrace. “I love you, Carrie. So much. But I can’t talk about this with you anymore.” He gently disengaged himself and strode firmly up the stairs. She heard the bedroom door close.
Carrie let herself out.
Chapter 3
Marlena had expected to take a cab home from the airport when she arrived the next afternoon. So that’s what she did, and in doing so she missed Roman who came to pick her up.
However, the cab driver was interested in fattening his fare and he didn’t go the most direct way home, claiming that he knew of some traffic snarls that they were avoiding. Marlena, in no hurry to get home, didn’t argue about it. And as a result, Roman beat her back to the house.
So, when she arrived and got herself and her luggage inside, she heard someone coming out of the kitchen. For just a moment she was a little bit frightened, since she had not expected anyone to be at home.
Then she saw Roman. Her face reflected her surprise. “Roman! I had no idea you were back. When did you get here?” She came forward, and they hugged. But they didn’t kiss. They hadn’t really kissed in a long time.
“Hi, Doc,” he said. “I got here yesterday. I found out about your flight today and went to the airport to pick you up, but somehow we missed each other.”
Now they were just standing near the front door and the stairs, “Oh, Roman, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
“Not a problem. I should have called you yesterday in Colorado. I just decided to surprise you, and it didn’t work out.” He tried to be nonchalant, but he looked a little sour about it.
“Well, you certain did surprise me by being here at all. I didn’t know you were coming. I thought you were deep in an ISA mission. That’s what we’d heard.” She looked concerned now. “Are you alright? Did something happen to you that made you cut the mission short? You didn’t get hurt, did you?”
“No, no, Doc. I’m fine.” Roman waved away her questions. “So, I take it you weren’t the one who called Shane and had him pull me away from my case, telling me I was needed here.”
Naturally, Marlena was totally in the dark on that. “Did someone do that?” She looked perplexed. “I didn’t, no.” She saw several emotions flit across his face: disappointment, disbelief, and confusion.”
“Hunh,” he said. “I don’t know who did.”
“Neither do I, honey. Maybe your parents? But what matters is you’re here, safe and sound, thank God.”
They decided, without words, to sit in the living room, and when she sat on the couch, he sat in the same chair he had shifted to yesterday with Carrie.
Marlena said, “I’m sorry that no one was here yesterday when you arrived, Roman…”
“Yes, Carrie told me where everyone was when she came by yesterday,” he interrupted. “Is Eric happy staying with your folks for a while?”
Marlena smiled, “Eric always enjoys visiting there. I wish Sami had come with us, but she didn’t feel well, so I left her with your parents. We can go pick her up together if you’d like.”
Roman nodded. “Carrie told me.”
Marlena smiled again. “Seems as though Carrie knew you were coming home?”
Roman didn’t smile. “We had a sober talk.”
“Oh? About what?”
He cleared his throat. “About my being gone so much.”
Marlena raised her eyebrows. “I see.” She gave a little twist of her head and continued, “Well, she’s your daughter. That seems like a reasonable topic for her to bring up. Right?”
Roman decided to take the bull by the horns. He looked Marlena straight in the eyes and said flatly, “It’s not working, is it?”
Marlena felt herself grow cold. She knew what he meant, but she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge it immediately. “What?” she whispered.
“You. Me. This family.” Roman said roughly.
Looking away from his probing gaze, she replied quietly, “If you were here more, perhaps it could work, Roman. Sami and Eric are still young. They could adjust to you being their father. And you and I,” she sighed, “Maybe we could find again what we had all those years ago.”
Roman blew out air. “You know, Carrie pointed right at the elephant in the room yesterday. She said, ‘I did what the rest of the family did. I thought someone else was you, Dad. I’m sure that’s hard for you to forget.’ “
Hearing the words said out loud made Marlena want to faint. She steadied herself, but the color left her face, and Roman noticed. He nodded, “Yeah, it really hits us all in the solar plexus, doesn’t it?”
“Roman…”
“No. Let’s be honest, like Carrie was. I wouldn’t talk to her about that after she said it. But after she left, I thought about it. And thought, and thought. And, yeah, I guess my biggest problem is that I can’t for the life of me understand how anyone would think John Black was me. He doesn’t look like me. His voice is not the same. His hair is straight and mine isn’t. He says things I never said, like ‘That’s a fact.’ HE’S A DIFFERENT PERSON. A DIFFERENT MAN! Why was everyone fooled?”
Marlena felt the roiling frustration coming at her from Roman. She said quietly, “I guess we wanted to believe it. We wanted you to be with us again. You know the doctors told us John had plastic surgery on his face, so there was some foundation for his looking different than you do. You know somehow Stefano implanted some of your memories into his brain, and that was a big factor in why we accepted him as you.”
Roman snorted. “We’re not even the same height! Didn’t that give anybody a clue? John worked for Stefano, and you and my folks, my brother and sisters, and my so-called friends, let him come in and take everything that was mine. Everything.”
“Roman, you know John didn’t work for Stefano willingly. You know he was brainwashed. You remember when you were a child, you remember growing up. Stefano took all that from him. He has never remembered all of what happened to him before he came to Salem.”
Roman shook his head. “So he says. He could be lying.”
“No, Roman, I don’t think so.”
He slammed his fist down on the coffee table and Marlena jumped. “Damn it, there you are taking his side!”
“I’m not taking his side. I’m just pointing out facts.”
“The fact is that you and the kids loved him. He was the husband women dream about. He was the father kids dream of having. He did my jobs better – at home AND at the cop shop – than I did. And when I took my rightful place and he had to give up what he had robbed from me, people felt sorry for him! Poor John!” Roman again smashed his fist on the table. “Dammit! Damn. It. To. HELL!”
Marlena got up and tried to put her arms around Roman. But he jumped up from the chair. “No. Don’t try to comfort me. Don’t try to feed me bromides. And don’t try to doctor me. We both know you miss HIM. We both know nothing has been the same between us because he is still between us.”
“Roman, he’s not here. I haven’t seen him or talked to him since he left.”
“But it doesn’t matter. Stop lying to yourself, Marlena! Stop pretending you don’t still love him. I know you do. The day he left and the two of you said goodbye, I watched you, hidden. The way you looked at him. You have never looked at me that way. Never.”
“Roman! That’s -“
“Don’t bother telling me that isn’t true! It is true, and it’s time we both face it squarely.” He stopped to take a breath, and then continued more composed, “I know you loved me, Marlena. I even know you still do. I know you want to heal our family, and that you’d do anything to make it happen.”
Marlena nodded vigorously. “Yes, I will do whatever it takes, Roman. We can be happy again. The way we were when we got married. When we had the twins. We can’t let Stefano and his evil schemes destroy our lives and our happiness, Roman. We -“
“No. We can’t. Because there is someone between us now and forever after. It – he – happened, and we can’t change that. I thought at first that maybe we could. But I can’t, I won’t make love to you knowing that deep down you’d wish John were with you instead.”
“Roman, don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do it to us. The world isn’t perfect. But people live in it that way and are still happy. We can be too if you love me and I love you.” She looked at him with haunted, fearful eyes. “Besides, it isn’t just you and me. Sami, Eric, and Carrie need you around. They need their biological father. Sami and Eric need to get to know you.”
“Oh, they will. I think once we’ve settled this thing between us, I will be able to spend time with them. And hopefully, they won’t resent me anymore- as they do now – because I was responsible for the abrupt absence of the father they had known.”
“Roman, I love you. I married YOU. I wanted to be your wife forever.”
“I know,” he said sadly. “Unfortunately, bizarre circumstances changed the course of our lives, and broke us apart. What’s that saying? ‘God laughs when we make plans.’ Yeah, this is a real knee-slapper.” He shook his head. “You married him too. And I know you meant it with all your heart.”
“I thought I was marrying you again, Roman! I said my vows in the 1986 wedding to Roman Brady!”
“Yeah, but you really married another man, Marlena. Not me. And you did it with your whole heart and soul.”
“I married you with my whole heart and soul, Roman Brady. When you and I said our vows in ’83.”
He nodded again. “I know you did. And neither of us had the least inkling that something – someone – could change that. But John Black did. And we can’t fight that any longer. I’m not going to try. I’m too exhausted with trying to avoid the situation, trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. But it does, and we have to face it.”
She looked at him helplessly. “I don’t want to face it,” she said stubbornly.
“I know.” He came over to her and wiped away the tears on her cheeks that she didn’t even know were there. “I love you, Marlena. I always will. And I know you will always love me too. And we’ll always have the kids – and I will spend more time with Eric and Sami, I promise. But we need to get a divorce and move on with our lives.
The two tremendously sad people wrapped their arms around each other and, oddly, comforted each other in their shared grief that their marriage could not continue.
Chapter 4
Very late that night, Marlena sat alone on the couch with her feet tucked beneath her.
Sami slept upstairs, but Roman had taken some of his things and moved to the Salem Inn.
Carrie had brought Samantha home – as they’d agreed ahead of time – while Roman was packing, and so, after their greetings, he and Marlena had sat down at the kitchen table with the girls and explained as gently as possible what they had decided. Marlena reflected that neither had seemed to consider it an unthinkable were more tears though from everyone, and Marlena had been gratified when Sami told her father she did want to spend more time with him.
But although Sami had apparently exhausted herself with all the emotions and was, last Marlena had checked, sleeping very soundly, Marlena herself was beyond sleep. She was exhausted too, but she could not fall into unconsciousness. Her raw feelings played on her too much. Her mind replayed the afternoon’s conversation. Even now she was shocked that all of a sudden, her and Roman’s marriage was over.
Here by herself, she could admit that she would never have been the one to declare a need for a divorce. She had told the truth when she’d said that she would have done anything if she could have healed their marriage and family. She was less willing to admit that it was a feeling of guilt that had filled her with that determination.
Because the fact was that Roman was right. She had fooled herself into thinking that another man was Roman. Maybe, if she had married John simply as John Black and not as Roman, she wouldn’t have felt as guilty when Roman returned.
And if she hadn’t felt so guilty about “replacing” the real Roman with RoJohn, maybe she might have saved Roman, John, and herself much of the heartache that the past couple years had heaped on them.
Tired of the self-accusatory thoughts that kept circling her bleary mind, Marlena turned on the TV, the sound low to avoid waking her daughter. After flicking through a few channels, she caught sight of a rerun of the PBS series about Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot. She watched it idly for a few minutes, not at all sure what was going on. Then a singer stepped up to entertain the dinner crowd in the restaurant where Poirot was dining. At first, it was background noise, but the lyrics being sung so poignantly began to penetrate…
I’ve forgotten you,
I never think of you,
The way you walked, the way you talked, the things you used to say.
I’ve forgotten you,
I never think of you,
I couldn’t say for sure today
Whether your eyes were blue or grey.
I’ve forgotten you,
I never think of you,
Your smile, your touch,
Which meant so much,
Somewhere along the way.
I’ve forgotten you,
I never think of you,
I changed my mind , my love was blind ,
Now I’ve forgotten you.
I’m through. I’ll never think of you
The words cut deep into Marlena’s soul. Yes, partly because she knew Roman thought she had forgotten him when she “replaced” him with RoJohn.
But mostly they slashed her because these last few years – since the day she and John had said goodbye – she had done everything she could to forget him. She had tried to erase him completely from her thoughts and from her heart. If his face tried to come to mind, she’d banished it. If a memory of them came to mind, she’d done the same. With as much discipline as she could muster, she had sought to truly forget. She had wanted to say “I never think of you.”
Marlena had never heard this bluesy song before so she was not expecting what came out of the singer’s mouth at the end:
Oh, what a lie!
I shall think of you,
Think of you,
Think of you,
Till I die.
[From Hercule Poirot, Yellow Iris]
These devastating words were one more truth pounding Marlena today. Because, of course, all her efforts to forget John were in vain. Even though she focused on other things, he was always in her periphery, always ready to invade her full attention if she ever let her guard down. Nothing could expunge him from her heart. Nothing. He would always be the greatest love of her life. The one she had lost. More, correctly, the one she had discarded in the brutal effort to regain something else. Until she died, he would occupy a place no one else could. And, she believed, even after she died, he would still occupy it.
Tears began to spill, turning into a serious crying jag. She managed to turn off the TV, and she tried to muffle her bitter sobs, but she could not stop herself from the torrent of agony she felt because she had failed so abysmally with all those she loved.
Suddenly she felt young arms around her neck and heard Sami intoning, “Mommy, Mommy, it’s okay. Sh. It’s okay. Don’t cry, Mom. It’s okay.”
Realizing her nine-year-old daughter was trying to comfort her, Marlena summoned the strength to stop her grief. With a huge breath, she got herself under better control. “Come around here, baby girl,” she said to Sami. Then she held Sami on the couch, still getting her own breathing back to normal and wiping her face with the sleeves of her light robe.
For a long time they didn’t speak. They just stayed together hugging each other. They hadn’t done this in – well, Marlena wasn’t sure.
Finally, Marlena said, “Come on, sweetie, I’ll take you back to bed now before you fall asleep here. I can’t carry you upstairs anymore. You’re too big for that now.”
Sami smiled at that. She did not say, “Dad could.” – meaning John. Sami knew when to keep quiet.
But she did say, “Mom. I love you. I don’t want you to be sad.”
“Sweetie, I know. I love you too – so much. I don’t mean to burden you with my – with my and your dad’s – problems. And I’m so sorry those problems have affected you and Eric and Carrie so much. That’s not fair to you three.”
“It’s not your fault, Mom. It’s Stefano DiMera’s! He’s the one who’s been hurting us all.”
That was certainly the truth, thought Marlena as she went with Sami and tucked her into her bed again.
“Good night again, Sami. Go back to sleep, and I’ll see you in the morning.
“G’night, Mom. You get some sleep too,” Sami murmured drowsily.
Marlena did go to the master bedroom, but seeing the empty bed, she couldn’t bear sleeping there. She went downstairs again, and finally dropped into a fitful slumber on the couch.
Chapter 5
At University Hospital, Doctor Laura Horton knocked on Marlena’s office door, and when she heard a faint “Come in,” she entered.
“Oh, hi, Laura,” Marlena said, sorting through some patient notes at her desk.
“Hi, yourself. Just dropped in to see how things are since I’ve been out of town for a couple weeks.”
“Well, I’d say just about the same. Pretty much every day is the same.”
“It’s been six weeks now since you and Roman separated, right? And he went back to ISA duty nearly three weeks ago, didn’t he – after spending some time with the kids, especially when Eric got back from Colorado?”
Marlena nodded.
“And the divorce is in process, right?”
“Mm hm.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay, what, Laura? What’s “okay” about all that?”
Undaunted even though Marlena obviously wasn’t in the best of moods, Laura came and sat in one of the chairs in front of Marlena’s desk. “You know what I mean. It’s not ‘okay, okay,’ but it’s movement.”
Marlena just kind of grunted at that.
“Look, I’m your friend, Marlena. Maybe you should talk to John? You said the kids have seen him -“
“Which I didn’t find out about until two weeks after Carrie took Sami.” Marlena shook her head. “I don’t know what those two were thinking.” She paused. “And then when Eric found out, he wanted to go too. Said it wasn’t fair that he missed out.”
“Did you let him?”
Marlena frowned. “Yes, after Roman left, I did. John took him to a Cubs’ game.”
“It’s quite a drive to Chicago…”
“John picked him up Saturday morning and brought him back Sunday morning, and then spent a few hours with Sami and saw Carrie. I think he also talked to Shawn and Caroline because the twins were staying with them.”
“They were?”
“You’re not the only one who’s been away. I made a commitment last year to do a seminar at Perelman and I couldn’t break it.”
“So…you haven’t talked to John?”
Marlena shook her head. “No.”
Laura decided silence was the best strategy now.
After a moment, Marlena looked at her. “You’re not going to say, ‘Oh, you should talk to him’?”
Laura raised her eyebrows. “You know what you should do, Marlena.”
Marlena irritably blew out a breath. “Dammit, Laura. What’s the point?” She pushed back from her desk and leaned back in her chair.
“He’s happy to see the children again, correct? So, what makes you think he wouldn’t be happy to see you too?”
“You’re talking apples and oranges. Carrie, Eric, and Sami are innocent bystanders. They didn’t want him to go, and they had no say over it.”
She looked deeply pained, “You weren’t here in Salem then. So you don’t know all the sordid details. But I’m the one who just like that,” she snapped her fingers (although the sound was a little weak), “told John I was going back to Roman when the DNA tests came back. No discussion. I decided and would not give him any real chance to change my mind. I did help him get out of jail when they arrested him as a Stefano operative, but I didn’t fight for John when Roman got a court order – a restraining order – to keep John away from the Brady family. It seemed like a useless fight to me, and Roman was already so sensitive to John’s influence over me and the kids that I knew it would damage things further with Roman if I did.”
Marlena sighed. “When I returned to Salem in ’91 and first saw John – Roman to me – it was just as I told him then. No time had really passed for me in the last four years. I just wanted to continue our marriage, and thanks be to God, he hadn’t married someone else while I was gone. He had been seeing Isabella, but there wasn’t enough between them that they couldn’t peaceably go their separate ways. So we did take up where we left off quite wonderfully. It was a piece of heaven on earth, honestly. But when Roman returned and made claims, at first I was so confused that I didn’t know which way was up. So John reluctantly said he’d move out until the test results were in. He was so sure that he would be declared the true Roman Brady. But I wasn’t sure then. Especially since Roman – who looked like Roman, talked like Roman, etc. – was supremely confident that he would be proven as the true article. And, of course, he was the only one of all of us who really knew that he was Roman. Anyway, I was beside myself with confusion.”
“I’m sure it was a horrible time for all of you,” Laura sincerely sympathized.
“It was. Absolutely. So, when Roman was declared the man I’d married in ’83, I felt overwhelmed with guilt for having believed that someone else was Roman. And I was so focused on ‘making it up to Roman’ that I didn’t focus too much on John’s tremendous losses, or on my own loss of him.”
“Well, good heavens, Marlena! Of course, you had tremendous pressure on yourself! Don’t be so hard on yourself for being human. You had to make a decision after all. You tried to make the decision you thought was right. You were married to Roman legally still, right? He’s the biological father of your children. I mean, honestly. It’s a logical choice.”
“Oh, I told myself that, believe me. But it wasn’t logic that drove me. It was guilt, plain and simple. I see that now. I didn’t see it then. After all, I’d married John (as Roman) too. And even if that turned out not to be valid in the eyes of the law because of Roman’s return, it was, I am convinced, a real marriage in the eyes of God. Plus, it was John who had raised Sami and Eric, not Roman. And not even me for four years. If I had been thinking straight, I wouldn’t have abandoned John the way I did. But I did. I closed to him every avenue to me and to the children.”
“Again, Marlena, you see that now with better hindsight and the knowledge of what has happened since your decision. But it isn’t fair of you to expect your earlier self to be as wise.”
“I think he – John – really wanted to fight for me and the kids. But he was at such a disadvantage. In the courts he had no standing legally. And he had to deal with the accusations against him – that he was working for Stefano. He had no way to prove his innocence on that except by what he’d done in the last six years. And since he wasn’t Roman Brady, he didn’t know who he was. And he couldn’t be a cop anymore either. So, he wasn’t in a position to fight as he was inclined to do.”
“He still doesn’t know who he is,” Laura pointed out.
“That’s true. At least I think it is. I haven’t heard anything to the contrary from anyone.”
“So, John left Salem and after a bit settled in Chicago. And built up a security business, relying on the skills he apparently learned and applied before he came to Salem and as a police officer in Salem.”
“Yes, that’s my understanding.”
“And you haven’t spoken to him at all since he left Salem?”
“Right.”
“Well, Marlena, it is time to change that! Arrange a meeting and talk to him.”
“And say what?”
“I don’t know. That you’re sorry? You are, so why not say so to him?”
“Oh, Laura.” Marlena shook her head. “Saying sorry doesn’t begin to make up for my callousness toward him, my total closure of our relationship.”
“Maybe John won’t agree with your harsh assessment of yourself.”
Marlena snorted, aiming derision at herself more than Laura. “Roman couldn’t forgive the fact that I “replaced” him with John. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He just couldn’t get past that. And I don’t blame him. Even though I hadn’t seen John since he left, Roman said John would always be between us, and I couldn’t convince him otherwise, even though I would have done literally anything to do so. I tried so hard to reunite our family, but Roman couldn’t do it.”
Laura nodded. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
Marlena continued, “Frankly, I don’t want to get Sami and Eric’s hopes up that there might be a reunion of the family with John. There is no reason I can see that John should forgive me for how I treated him. But if I open up communications with him, the kids will get their hopes up. And…”
“And you might get your hopes up too?” Laura supplied.
Looking away, Marlena nodded.
“What makes you think John won’t forgive you?”
“I know both Roman and John are good men. If Roman couldn’t, then I can’t expect John to do so.”
Laura gave Marlena a wistful smile, “But, as you have learned and pointed out, John is not Roman. They are two different men. Roman was, it sounds like, unable to deal with your feelings for John, even though you buried those feelings and in no way acted on them after Roman and you reunited. Even though you have deep feelings for Roman also, maybe John knows your love for him and his for you can carry you through. Maybe John can and will do whatever is required to bring you two back together and give the kids the family they knew again. Have faith in him, Marlena. Have faith in yourself – and forgive yourself. Talk to him. Tell him what you’ve told me. You worked so hard to recreate happiness with Roman, and it didn’t work out. But, don’t let that stop you from reaching out to John and giving him the chance to show you what he’s made of.”
Chapter 6
Two days later…
It had felt so odd to be back in Salem, actually talking to people he’d known and loved there. When he’d brought back Eric, Caroline and Shawn greeted him with all the love they’d always shown him when everyone thought he was their biological son. It was almost as though the intervening years of his absence had never happened.
And seeing the three kids again was really balm for his soul. Eric was at an age now where John could more thoroughly share his own love of baseball with the boy. And Sami had a lot of things going on at school that she’d shared with him eagerly. Carrie had her own busy college life now, but she’d made time to see him too, and he was grateful that it really seemed so easy to be reacquainted with them.
Today, he was in Salem again, but John had come specifically to see his old friend, Abe Carver. Abe had continued to rise through the ranks in the Salem PD, and John wanted to ask him some questions. But first, they had to get reacquainted too. John met him at Abe’s house. Lexie was at the hospital, so they could talk alone in peace.
“Hey, partner. It’s great to see you,” Abe greeted him, and they gave each other a manly hug.
“You, too, Abraham. I hope everything is good with you and Lexie.”
“It is. She’s working killer hours at the hospital, and, of course, I’m busy at the station, so we sometimes have to make appointments with each other,” Abe laughed wryly.
“That can be rough, buddy,” John commiserated.
“Definitely,” Abe offered John coffee rather than a beer since it was still before noon. They sat in the kitchen.
“Listen, thanks for meeting me here,” John said. “I know I’m taking you away from work…”
“No worries, man.” Abe assured him. “Tell me something about your life in Chicago. I know you’ve got that security firm going, and I hear nothing but good, solid things about it.”
“Yeah, Black Operations Security is thriving. I can’t complain. Thing is, I’ve got it to a point where it practically runs itself. Good, reliable employees, a really talented second-in-command, an efficient secretary who knows just about everything that happens in the firm.”
“Sounds great, John.”
“Sure. But sometimes I’m really not even needed there anymore.”
“Ah.” Abe nodded. “I know that feeling. Sometimes I’d like to be out on the streets again or doing more investigation, but the truth is, they don’t need me for that. So, I’m mostly doing desk work, administration, putting out little personnel fires, etc.…”
He looked at John, “You know, we miss you at the cop shop, buddy.”
John winced in spite of himself. “Me too, Abe. I miss it a lot.”
Abe shifted in his chair and leaned forward on the breakfast table. “I’ve been meaning to tell you how sorry I am about the way things went down. The department didn’t treat you right when the whole Roman identity thing was in motion. And I didn’t do much to stop that.”
“You weren’t really in a position to, Abe. I know that.”
“Still. I should have worried less about the damn DNA tests and thought more about the man I’d worked alongside for years. I knew you were a good man, but I let the paranoia of the moment stop me from defending you fully. That wasn’t right.”
“Partner, I don’t hold it against you. If our places had been reversed, I probably would have done the same as you.”
“Thanks, John.” Abe reached out his hand and they shook across the table. “I really appreciate that.”
“I do have a question though,” said John.
“Shoot.”
“Is there any way I could rejoin the Salem PD?”
Abe hesitated. John caught it immediately and hastily waved him off. “Hey. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, John. Let me answer. As you know, I’m still not in a position in which I could throw around weight to get you reinstated. The fact is that the department hoped Roman would come back when his identity was established. But he opted to do ISA work instead. Now, of course, we’ve got up-and-comers who want to fill that spot. And, you know that the brass told you that since there was no record of you going through any police academy or doing justice administration coursework, or being in any police department before you stepped into Roman’s position, the department couldn’t keep you.”
“Yup, I know,” John said glumly. “And I’ve still got zero to offer on the ‘prior experience or education.’ My life before I came to Salem is still the blank it was back in ’86.”
“Surely, there must be a missing person out there who is you, John.”
“Yeah, but so far that person’s identity has eluded detection. And don’t think I haven’t looked.” He continued, “But even if I found my family roots, that would just carry me so far because it is evident that Stefano DiMera did screw with my head big-time. I probably did work for him, although I don’t remember a bit of it.”
Abe nodded sympathetically. “DiMera has been quiet these last few years. We haven’t gotten any leads as to his whereabouts.”
“He’s hiding on one of his islands, sure as shooting.”
“John. Back to the PD. You’ve got your record on the force. You’ve got your security company as further evidence of your skills. And we’ve got a new chief and new commissioner. Maybe, just maybe, they could be persuaded to review your case. You’re entitled to that. But I think that suggestion, to carry the most weight, ought to come from the mayor or one or two highly-placed, long-time Salem citizens. Maybe Tom and Alice Horton? Maybe I could talk with them?”
John chewed that over. He nodded. “Thanks, Abe. Don’t do anything quite yet, please.”
Abe looked at him knowingly. “You haven’t talked with Marlena at all since you left, have you?”
John looked down at his empty coffee cup. “No. It was a complete break.”
“But I know you’ve seen Sami, Carrie, and Eric recently.”
John smiled wanly. “Everybody knows everything in this town.” He added quickly, “Not that I want to keep that a secret from you, Abe. I’m really happy about connecting some with the kids again. We’ve all missed each other. And, as you know I’m sure, the restraining order has been cancelled.”
“Yes,” Abe nodded quickly. “Glad to hear that. I know the kids missed you a lot.”
John emitted a gruff laugh. “I sure was floored to see Carrie and Sami at my door back in July.”
“I can imagine.”
“And then things got even more bizarre.” John shook his head wonderingly. “When Roman came home after Shane called him out of the field, he and Marlena decided to end their marriage.”
“That surprises you?” Abe asked.
“Yeah, Abe. I expected Roman to try to hold on. And,” John’s face became even more sober, “I expected Marlena to also.”
“Hmm. Seems to me, by being away so much, he had already admitted tacitly that it wasn’t working,” Abe suggested thoughtfully.
“Carrie was really surprised at the suddenness of it. And when I had the chance to talk with Shawn and Caroline a little, they said they hadn’t expected it either.”
“I talked to Roman, and without giving away any confidences, I’ll just say that he seems to have accepted moving on as the best step,” Abe said.
John took the plunge. “And Marlena? Has she accepted that too?”
“I haven’t talked with her really. She’s been keeping to herself more than usual – at least that’s my impression. Maybe Lexie has a different one. But I would imagine, yes.”
Abe studied his friend. “You should talk to her, John.”
“I’ve thought about doing that a zillion times. But what would I say?”
Abe smiled gently, “Just tell her what’s in your heart. Tell her the things you didn’t say these last two-plus years.”
John drummed idly on the table for a moment. Catching himself, he stopped. “Probably scare her away if I did that,” he said ruefully.
“Sometimes, starting is the hardest part, partner. “
“That’s a fact.”
“John, you did what Marlena wanted when you left. But things are different now. Maybe you should take the chance and start up the conversation again. Sure, she could shut you down. But she might not. In fact, I’d bet that she would welcome you making the first move now.”
John cleared his throat. He didn’t look at Abe when he spoke, “Honestly. I don’t think I could take another rejection. That last one just about killed me.”
“You know why she did that, John.”
“I do. I do. But deep inside, it killed me. That’s just the way I feel about it. I know the reasons. I can’t deny that. But still. Before she returned, I had kind of learned to live with her loss. I really enjoyed Isabella’s company. I even thought about asking her to marry me. But then I saw Doc on the pier, and the blocked dam of my heart broke open again with all the love I had for her. We were able to resume our marriage, and I was on top of the world again.”
Abe nodded. He remembered that vividly.
John said bitterly, “Then the other Roman barreled into that happiness. What a disaster, especially when the DNA results destroyed everything I thought I knew.”
“It was a horrible situation,” Abe agreed solemnly.
“Yeah, And what did I do? Not really a damn thing. I let everyone else dictate to me. I didn’t fight being tossed off the force. I let Roman freeze me completely out of the Brady family. And I listened silently and without objection to Marlena’s declaration that she was going to be the other Roman’s wife again, not mine.”
“It’s totally understandable that you didn’t fight those things, John. You were in an identity crisis. You’d just been told that you weren’t who you thought you were. Anyone in your place would likely have done the same.”
“Huh. Would they? I don’t know.” John unconsciously wiped at a tear escaping his eye. “All I know is, it all crumbled into nothingness around me. What I thought was solid wasn’t. Even my wife chose life with another man.”
“John, she was married to him legally. And the kids were his. Could she have done differently?”
“I know the reasons. And you know what? It did give me insight into how Roman must have felt when he came back and saw that I had taken his place. I – even though unwillingly and unknowingly – inflicted that hell on him.”
“No, John, it wasn’t your fault. It was DiMera’s fault for playing with all your lives the way he did.”
“Yeah, sure. But I was the guy who had lived his life for years. If our places had been reversed, I don’t doubt that I would have reacted just as he did.”
“Would you? If you had been in his shoes and Marlena wanted to rebuild your family with you and the kids, would you have run off on ISA missions for long stretches? Or would you have stayed and been a cop again, and lived your life with your family?”
John shrugged. “Can’t say for sure, partner. My lot in all this wasn’t exactly the same as his. And I wasn’t offered anything but the door.”
“It wasn’t the same how?”
“Uh. I didn’t come back to find Marlena and the kids living happily with another guy.”
“She tried to live with Roman happily again these last couple of years.”
Yeah, she did. That’s a fact too,” John sighed.
“But?” Abe asked.
“But, it wasn’t happy.”
“Why do you think that was, partner?” Abe hoped he wasn’t probing too much.
“Because, Abraham, there was too much water under the bridge, as they say.”
“Because Roman couldn’t forget that his wife had replaced him with you. That’s what you mean.”
John got up and went to the window above the sink and looked out. “Yup. That’s what I mean.”
Abe continued. “What about you, John?”
“What about me?” he asked tiredly.
“Can you forget that Marlena replaced you with him?”
“What are you saying, Abe?”
“You and Marlena might have another chance at happiness. But you’ve got to be the man who can forgive and forget the past. You’ve got to be able to love her unreservedly again. And you’ve got to forgive yourself for not acting two years ago. Can you do that?”
John turned around to look at Abe square in the face, leaning back against the counter. “Didn’t know you had a psychology degree, buddy.”
Abe chuckled. “As you know, cops have to have a grasp of human inclination and motivations.”
“True, true,” John allowed a small smile.
“Well?” asked Abe.
John sighed. “That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?”
Chapter 7
John decided to head to the pier. It looked unchanged from the last time he’d stood here back in ’91. The September air was warm and since it was just after 1 pm, he’d thought there’d be more people sharing the pier with him. But there was just one couple looking out at the water.
Sitting down on a bench, John thought some more about his conversation with Abe. But he shook it off after a moment, not really wanting to dwell on it. He too stared out at the water.
Then he saw another person descending the stairs to the pier. His heart began to pound as she moved onto the pier and looked outward at the water too. She wore a lovely summer dress that was both professional and casual. Her hair moved a little in the slight breeze. And John’s excellent nose picked up the faint scent of her signature perfume.
John knew he was being given this opportunity, and he’d better not blow it. He rose and walked to Marlena, making sure she would see him in her peripheral vision so she wouldn’t be frightened by the sudden appearance next to her.
Marlena did see him, and she turned to him. They stood there for a moment in silence, regarding each other, taking in what they’d missed, seeing a new line, a new freckle.
John smiled. “Hello.”
Marlena also smiled. “Hello, John.”
Instead of speaking further, John opened his arms and closed the distance, gently enveloping her in the embrace he had given her so many times. Marlena held him too and fitted herself to his frame the way she had countless times before. They just stayed like that, not moving, not speaking for quite a while, both their hearts beating wildly.
Finally, Marlena carefully pulled back. “Imagine meeting you here, Sailor.”
He smiled again. “Yes, this pier is a magnet for us, isn’t it?”
“I’m glad to see you, John. You look well.”
“So do you, although I’d guess you haven’t had much sun recently.”
Marlena chuckled. “Good guess, A lot of patients. And, as you know, I did that seminar in Pennsylvania when you saw the children last.”
“So I heard.” He knew he was nervous, and he suspected she was too. “Have you had lunch? I haven’t. Would you like to go somewhere with me and eat?”
“Yes, I’d like that,” she replied.
An hour or so later, they returned to the pier, having enjoyed a good meal together and talking about their lives without touching on anything unpleasant or life-shaking.
They settled on the bench, free, that John had been sitting on earlier.
Marlena asked, “Are you going back to Chicago today, or are you staying in town a while?”
“I’m not sure. I was going to go back tonight. But I don’t have to. As I mentioned to Abe earlier, my agency practically runs itself these days.”
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it? It’s a mark of your leadership that you’ve selected people you can trust.”
“That’s a good way to put it,” he agreed.
“I’m sure the kids would be happy to see you, if you have the time.”
“From what I can tell, Sami and Eric are pretty busy after school. Do they have class elections in the 4th grade? Sami running for class president wouldn’t surprise me.”
Marlena looked at him and giggled. “I think you surmise correctly. That does seem up her alley.” She continued to look at him, realizing suddenly how wonderful it felt to be there with him.
John seemed to read her mind because he reached out and held her hand. But he didn’t speak.
And neither did she. They just stayed that way, content to be there together after so long an absence.
Finally, he did break the silence. “Would you go out on a date with me tomorrow evening? I know it’s short notice so if you have something on your calendar…”
“No, I’m free. And, yes, I would like that very much.”
“Okay! Would it be all right if I picked you up at the hospital?”
“Yes, of course. Or, I can just meet you somewhere. Then we won’t get the kids all excited.”
“We can meet here at 7 p.m.? Would that work?”
“Yes. I am looking forward to it already!”
“Me too, Doc.” John replied. He gave her a hug and then they both rose. John walked her to her car, and then they went their separate ways, each with a lightness of heart they hadn’t felt for so long.
Chapter 8
They went on three dates before the kids figured out what was happening. Each date was light-hearted, easy-going, and stress-free. No serious subjects of conversation were introduced. They just enjoyed each other’s company in casual situations. They went dancing. They went to a concert, They went for a long drive in the countryside and had a picnic. They went places where they were not likely to run into friends or family.
Still, when Marlena returned from the picnic, Sami, sharp little girl that she was, said, “Mom, you and Dad – John – are going out, aren’t you?”
Marlena laughed. “Now what makes you think that, Sami?”
Sami looked at her excitedly. “I knew it. You are!”
“Seriously, what makes you think so?”
Sami came close and sniffed exaggeratedly. “I have a good nose too, like you both do. I know his scent.”
Marlena’s eyebrow’s rose. “Well, my little detective. What do you think about that?”
“It’s great!” Sami danced off to tell her brother.
Marlena called John, who was staying at the Salem Inn, and informed him that they’d been outed.
He chuckled. “We knew it would happen sometime. Maybe we can get ahead of the situation though. What would you say to you, Eric, Sami, Carrie if she can, and me having dinner together – out in a restaurant?” He still didn’t want to congregate in their home. “How about tomorrow?”
Marlena replied, “I think that’s a wonderful idea, John.”
At this dinner, they were all on their best behavior. They were all jolly and witty and agreeable. They did it because they were happy to be together again, finally, and because each of them wanted the others to think of them as an asset to the family, not a burden. Of course, they all knew that if they were fortunate enough to finally really be a family again, the less courtly, less agreeable sides would show up. But that was to be expected. For this evening, they all shone.
Later that evening, John and Marlena went to the pier again together. Carrie was doing her homework at the house while Eric and Sami puttered around until bedtime.
No one else was there, and so after some easy talk about the dinner, John cleared his throat. “I think we’re at the point where we should tackle the serious stuff. So, let me go first, if I may.”
Although Marlena looked wary, she did not object.
John looked her in the eye and said, “I’m so sorry that you and Roman and the kids were hurt so badly because I came into your lives. If I’d never been here in Salem, you and Roman would probably be happy right now. For your sakes, I wish I’d never arrived here.”
“John!”
“No, let me finish, please. Even though this seems to conflict with what I just said, it doesn’t. I’m also sorry that I didn’t speak up two-and-a-half years ago – for my job, for the kids, and for you. I should have. Consequences be damned. I should have fought the city system. I should have fought the restraining order. And, I should have told you I loved you so much I wasn’t going to give you up without a fight.”
Both of them were getting seriously blurred vision from tears now.
“Is it my turn now?” Marlena asked.
“Not yet.” John brushed his eyes and cleared his throat again. “But those are regrets from the past. What matters now is much more important. Abe asked me a question that I resented even though I’d asked myself the same thing. He asked me if I could handle that you chose Roman over me when the DNA tests results came in. He said Roman didn’t take the chance he was given with you, and Abe wanted to know if I would if it were offered to me now. You haven’t explicitly offered it, but I’m going to say this…”
Marlena knew this was the crux of it all.
“The truth is,” John swallowed and stood up straighter even though he knew he was shaking, “you don’t owe me anything. You don’t owe me any apologies. We all do the best we can as we are presented with the situations we must live through. Some people have an easy road. We have had a very strange and hard road. I know you did the very best you could. You were dealt an impossible hand, and all of us could not be happy. Of course, it tore me up terribly to lose you and the kids. I won’t deny that. And, of course, I was devastated that you chose Roman, not me.”
Marlena wanted to comfort him and to speak, but he waved her off, both of them feeling the raw emotions of the other as well as themselves.
John continued, again making sure to look her straight in the eyes. “But you didn’t do anything wrong, Marlena. You just made a legitimate choice. Abe said Roman couldn’t forgive and forget me being with you and the kids. He asked if I could forgive and forget Roman being with you this second time. I didn’t answer him. But I’ll tell you now.”
John paused. “Yes. I can forget. And there’s nothing to forgive.”
Marlena began sobbing even more at those wonderful words.
“I want to do that. I will to do it. I love you, Marlena. I have ever since the very first time we met in 1986.” He did not stop; he needed to finish this. “Sometimes, because we are both passionate people, we have a volatile relationship. Stormy, fiery even. But I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no one else. So, you don’t owe me explanations or apologies, as I said.”
Before she could finally speak, John quickly added, “I know Roman will be around. He’s going to have a relationship with his kids – your children. But, as far as I’m concerned as long as he is only an ex-husband to you, I will treat him with respect and esteem. He deserves that.”
John was almost finished, “You are the one I love. If you love me as I think you do, let’s go forward together without regrets or recriminations. Let’s just be happy together. I know it’s going to take a little longer for the divorce to go through. But we can wait that long.”
He was crying copiously now, and it was a good thing he’d finished because his throat had closed with the stress of all the emotion.
Marlena threw herself into his arms, and they both cried together, releasing all the pent-up sorrows and bitterness in their souls and the bile from their systems.
Finally, they were both cried out, and Marlena blindly fished in her handbag and brought out tissues. Both of them wiped their faces and blew their noses. Then they both self-consciously laughed at themselves.
Marlena didn’t know if she could trust her voice, but when she tried it, although it was a little tremulous, it didn’t fail her. “That was one long speech, John Black, and as I listened I realized I love you tonight more than I ever have in my life. And believe me, that’s saying something because there have been quite a few times when I have loved you so much I couldn’t imagine there ever being more.”
She put her arms around him again and hugged him with all her might. He, of course, did the same. Finally, she let go and again wiped her eyes. “I loved you too the first time we met. And I want us to be married again, this time as Mr. and Mrs John Black.”
He nodded.
“You’re right that Roman isn’t going to be out of our lives completely. Yes, I want him to spend time with Eric and Sami and Carrie. And I can’t, in all honesty, tell you that I won’t still care for him, because I will. If Isabella were here, or perhaps someone whom you became close to in Chicago, you would care for them.”
She paused just a moment. “But it is you whom I am in love with and will be in love with, John. It is you whom I want to marry and love for the rest of our lives. There is no one else I want to be with the way I want to be with you. I want you for my one and only lover, and I want to be your one and only lover. I don’t want that to ever change.”
John sniffled and wiped his nose and eyes again. He said simply, “Me too, Doc.”
Marlena took his hand and led him to the bench, and they both sat. Marlena needed to sit.
She said, “Thank you with all my heart for your deep generosity of spirit, my love. Two days ago, Laura Horton and I talked about this whole situation, apparently very much like you and Abe did. And she told me that I should have faith in you. That I should trust that you would react in just the way you did.”
He smiled. “We have wise friends.”
“We do indeed. Thank God for them. But the truth is, I was scared. I told her something and I’m going to tell you, I told Laura that I realized now that I made my decision for Roman out of guilt, not reason. I felt so guilty that I had brought someone – even though that someone was you – into our lives.”
“You thought I was Roman, and there was good reason for you to think that.”
“There was some reason, yes. Especially the memories you had. But, again, the truth is, it was I who led the charge for belief that you were Roman. If I hadn’t done that, perhaps you and I would have gotten together, but with you still going by the name of John Black.”
John said cautiously, “And then, if Roman had come home?”
“Oh, John. I don’t know. It would probably have been just as complicated, but at least I wouldn’t have been the cause of you being chased out of the Roman identity you thrived in and of Roman coming home to find another man wearing his name and “being” him.”
Marlena put her hands over his. “Thank you with all my heart for not blaming me. I know I need to forgive myself too. And I’m going to have to work on that.”
John’s hands moved to envelop hers. “Marlena, whatever I can do to help you, I will.”
“Thank you. And you said I didn’t need to apologize. But I do need to tell you how sorry I am that I literally abandoned you after the DNA tests. That was so wrong of me. It was cowardly, and I have no excuse. I am so sorry.”
“You helped me when they wanted to railroad me into prison as a terrorist working for Stefano. You didn’t abandon me. You were the only one on my side then.”
“Thank you for remembering that so kindly. But in every other way I failed you. And, honestly, I don’t know what I would have done if you had fought to hold on to me then. I’m not sure I could have handled it. I might have run away from you both or something. I don’t know.”
He nodded. “Life is messy. And especially for us because we’ve got such crazy lives. It’s almost as if we lived in a whacked-out soap opera or something.”
Marlena rolled her eyes and gave a little chuckle, “Ain’t that the truth, Mr. Black.” She sighed. “Anyway, I know you know this. I’m a woman with some insecurities, and I have a lot of regrets. I’m not sure I can easily leave them all behind. But I’ll work on it, and it makes it a lot easier when I know you support me.”
“I do,” he said earnestly. “I’ve got insecurities too, and I can’t promise that they won’t surface. Especially about my blank past. When I thought I was Roman Brady, I didn’t have those insecurities, but now I do. Despite that, I think our love will get us through when something tries to defeat one or both of us. You are my life, Doc. You always have been.”
“And you are mine. I want nothing else.”
They kissed with fervor, savoring each other. First tentatively and sweetly, then more hungrily.
Talked out and sapped of energy from the emotionally-charged conversation, they ended up sitting in each other’s arms and staring at the water for a while before heading to the car.
Chapter 9
Back at the Brady house, John spoke with Marlena outside. “Not to bring up something possibly controversial, but when we are married, you and the twinners should move with me to a different house. Roman will want to be in this house when he’s here, and when the kids stay with him, they will have their own rooms still.”
Marlena agreed immediately. “You’re right. Sorry, I sometimes forget that this isn’t your house.”
“Me too,” John said wryly. “I hope we can find another place in the same school district so Eric and Sami will still have that continuity too.”
Reaching up, Marlena touched John’s face. “You are such a good man, John Black.” She pulled his head down and kissed him.
Just then, the door opened, and Carrie looked out. “I thought it was you,” she said with a smile. “You both look tired but happy.”
“You got it on the nose,” John assured her.
“Anything you want to tell me?” Carrie asked.
John and Marlena looked at each other. John said, “I know you can keep a secret. When the time is right, Marlena and I are going to be married again.”
Carrie beamed and hugged them both. “I’m so glad,” she said. “We need to celebrate this properly soon!”
“We will,” Marlena promised.
John saw Carrie to her car and made sure it started and that she drove away safely. Then under the porch light, he and Marlena said good night.
John grinned at her. “We need our own house, Doc. Our own bedroom. We’re going to put it to very good use.”
Marlena blushed and kissed him again. “Good night.”
While he drove back to the Salem Inn, Marlena locked the front door and crept upstairs to check on the twins. Eric, as usual, was sleeping peacefully. Sami, though, was another matter.
“Hi, Mom,” she whispered when she saw Marlena.
“Hi, baby girl. You should be sleeping.”
“I heard some talking out front. I thought it was you and Dad. Did you guys work stuff out?
“Yes, Sami, we did. And I promise we are going to talk about this a lot more. But not tonight, okay? I’m tired, and you should be too. Go to sleep, sweetie…”
“Mom?”
“Yes?
“I want you to be happy.”
“I am, Sami. I really am. And you and Eric are going to be happy too.” Marlena kissed Sami’s cheek and smiled at her before leaving the room.
The Jarlena Journal 