I remember being younger and a family friend of my parents had their youngest daughter die in some freak car accident. I always wondered how it would feel to lose a child, I mean you give birth to a little baby and in some whilrwind it just gets taken away. I never actually thought I would experience that feeling until that summer night in June when everything I had ever known, ever worked for came to a crashing stop. If only I had been there when it had happened, if I had gone to check in to the hotel only a moment later, if I had turned down an invitation to some stupid high school reunion, maybe I would have had my baby girl.
I used to believe in fate, that no matter what went wrong, somehow everything would work out in the end, falling into place. But when Isabella vanished, I felt as if a part of me was gone. Brady and I would have our problems. He was a precocious eight year old who loved giving his mother a hard time but Isabella . . . she was my little angel. She was only three when she was taken, a little baby with golden blonde hair and these peircing baby blue eyes which always knew how to melt my heart and soul.
I replay that fateful night so many times in my mind. I can picture the three hour drive from New York to Boston, with Brady in the back, moaning about how he wished he would have stayed home with his father, Belle right beside him, mumbling words from some lullaby I would always sing to her before she would go to sleep. I recall walking into the hotel, seeing people who I haven’t seen in years and I remember coming back after checking into the hotel, to find Brady alone without his little sister.
But what I remember the most and what I still feel is the agonizing pain of living a life knowing I’m the reason why my baby disappeared without a trace . . . and that I will spend the rest of my life, right here waiting for her
to come back.
Bills, junk, Credit card approval, bills, bills…Hmm, Salem High School- Class of ’79. Reunion info, I’ll read that after dinner,” Marlena noted, as she tossed her mail and other belongings to the side after a long day at work and heading for the kitchen.
“Honey, I’m home.”
“In the living room, Sweetheart,” John’s voice called out, surrounded by fits of laughter, as she curiously headed to see what the commotion was about.
“Mommy!” her bright eyed baby girl, Belle called out, as she ran from her father and brother’s embrace, as they wrestled around on the floor.
“There’s my girl!” she smiled, as she gathered her little angel in her arms and hugged her tightly. “And my boys, too,” she said as she watched the two continue to play around.
“You just missed the WWF championship match of the world!” John exclaimed, as he lifted himself up from the floor and then helped Brady. “And the winner and still champion Brady “The Cougar” Black!”
“Thank you, thank you,” Brady joked, as he bowed
“Okay,” Marlena smiled as she placed a light kiss on her daughter’s forehead, and placed her down. “So what do you say we go have dinner, and if you finish up all your spinach, you can celebrate with ice cream.”
“Can’t do, I’m going to Billy’s tonight. But maybe next time,” Brady said with a grin as he bolted up the stairs, with Belle right behind.
“I go, too, I go too!” she insisted, as John and Marlena laughed at the sight of their beloved children.
“Where does time go?” Marlena wondered aloud, walking over to John as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Seems just like yesterday we were giving them bottles and now sleepovers.”
“We could always make another one,” John acknoweldged with a grin, wrapping his arms around her slender waist, and nuzzling her neck.
“Now do you *really* want another or do you just want the part that gets them here?” she asked with a giggle.
“Let’s see, we could spend all night trying and if we get another baby, we’d have another thing to share and make our love stronger. If we spend all night and don’t, at least we got to try,” he noted with a wink, as he leaned down and placed a light kiss on her lips.
“Very funny. As much as I would *love* to make another baby with you, there’s just too much going on in our lives right now. I mean your promotion, my ever growing list of patients, and now my 10th high school reunion coming up…”
“Reunion?” John questioned, as he pulled away from her embrace.
“Yep, I just got the letter today. From the alumni association. Should be some time next month.”
“Are you going to go?” he asked
“I think I might, it’s been so long since I’ve seen everyone, I’d like to take that trip down memory lane. That is of course, if you don’t mind.”
“Hmm, I dunno, Doc,” he said with a frown plastered across his face, “I don’t like to be away from you.”
“It’s only for the weekend. And I promise, I’ll make it up to you,” she assured, as she licked her lips and once again draped her arms around his neck.
“And how do you plan to do that?” he asked as he arched his eyebrow in intrigue and pulled her closer.
“How does a baby get here?” she said with a coy smile, caressing her cheek with his hand.
“With practice, lots and lots of practice,” he teased, as he leaned down and captured her lips in his own for a passionate kiss.
“Okay,” he said as he pulled away, “You can go to Boston. But only cause you’re impossible to resist with your *indecent* proposal.”
“Good,” she nodded, “I’ll make reservations for tomorrow. And I’ve got a feeling this is gonna be a trip back home that I will *not* soon forget.”
“Brady Victor Black, get down here right now!” Marlena yelled as she threw her luggage into the front hallway beside the door.
She glanced at her watch for the tenth time in the past five minutes. Her high school reunion started in less than five hours and it took almost four to get to Boston, not including New York City traffic. Belle had already been put into the car fifteen minutes ago, as Marlena did last minute errands around the house. She heard the pounding feet of her son on the staircase and looked up to see a frown plastered acorss his faste.
“Why do I have to go to your stupid reunion mom, why can’t I just stay home with daddy.”
“Because daddy needs to do some work,” John said walking into the room, picking Brady up and placing him on his shoulders. “Now stop giving your mother a hard time or else I may have to attack you with the tickle monster and we all know how you hate that, now get into the car and make sure your sister in okay.”
“Fine,” Brady replied as John put him down. “I love you daddy.”
“I love you too slugger.”
He watched as his son ran off and pulled Marlena to him as she buried her head in his neck.
“Our son hates me,” she muttered.
“Oh come on baby, he does not. Think about it, would you want to go to your mothers high school reunion if you were eight years old when you could be home with a cool daddy like me.”
Marlena laughed, hitting John’s chest. “Oh yeah, I forgot John Black is *so* cool,” she teased. “Well he could stay home but you have to go party with the boys for the weekend . . . oh I’m sorry, I mean you have such busy work this weekend, ah the dilema.”
“Yeah, yeah, kiss me goodbye gorgeous before I don’t *let* you go on this trip,” John smiled as he nibbled on her ear.
“Oooh, I’ll kiss you goodbye,” she smiled as she pulled him to her.
****
“Mommy, why was your school called Salem if you wived in Boston,” Belle asked as Marlena pulled up the Drake Hotel, just inside Boston.
“Well baby, there is a museam in Boston called the Salem Witch Museam and there is a whole lot of history which goes back to the old days.”
“Like back when you were young,” Brady smirked.
“Funny wiseguy,” she laughed as she helped Belle out of her carseat.
“Oh my God, Marlena Evans!”
Marlena looked towards the entrance of the hotel and screamed as a petite brunette ran into her arms.
“My my my, Hope Williams, I never expected to see you here after making it big in Hollywood.”
“I needed to come back and gloat,” Hope smiled. “I did however see your hottie of a husband in Business Week a few months ago. You scored a fine one girl,” Hope laughed as she noticed Belle tugging at her mother’s jacket. “And who’s this little angel?”
Marlena picked up Belle and smiled. “This is Isabella and the moody one in the car is Brady,” Marlena teased. “Who knew, Marlena Evans, career driven women of the 90’s would become a mother,” she laughed. “So have you checked in yet?”
“Yeah, come on, let’s go in and you can register and stuff. You can put the kids in the daycare room, you’ve gotta love the nannies,” Hope smiled as they all walked into the hotel.
Marlena placed Belle down and looked down at Brady. “Before I get mobbed by people, I am going to go check in. Can you watch your sister for me, while I do that?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Brady mumbled, “Whatever.”
****
Marlena placed her wallet back in her bag after checking in and walked over to where she had left Belle and Brady.
“Brady, where is your sister?”
“I don’t know but mom I am so hungry, can I have some food.”
“Hold on a sec. Brady, where is your sister go.”
“I don’t know, I already said that.”
Marlena looked around the room as people poured into the lobby, millions of bodies envading the room.
“Mar, let’s go in,” Hope said, “Bo Brady looks fine! I wanna talk to him.”
“Hope, Belle has disapeared, I can’t find her!”
Page 2 of 6
“How did I let this happen?” Marlena questioned herself, as she gazed blankly out of her hotel window, watching the rain trickle down the glass, and the clouds not only cast a shadow over the sky, but over her entire life as well. She wasn’t the type of person something like this was supposed to happen to. This was something out of a bad movie of the week. She was a good mother, she loved her baby girl. She loved her son. She’d only been gone for a matter of minutes, only to return and find her life had come
crashing down. Her little girl was gone. She didn’t know how, she didn’t know why, who she was with, where she was, or worst of all, if she would ever see her again.
“Doc?” John’s comforting, yet shaky voice called from the hotel room door, as he ran into the room, and straight to the arms of his distraught wife.
“Oh God, John!” she wept, as she buried her head into his chest, and sobbed uncontrolably, “she can’t be gone, not our little angel. She can’t be. I-I-I left her with Brady, only for 5, not even 5-, 2-3 minutes at the most, and when I came back, she was…..she was gone.”
Her last words cut straight through her heart as tears poured from her mouth, and her fit of tears became even more intense, as John wrapped his arms
tightly around her trembling frame.
“Shhhh, it’s not your fault, baby,” he consoled, as he gently stroked her hair and whispered in her ear soothingly. “This is no one’s fault. We’re gonna find little Isabella, and where gonna bring her right back home with us where she belongs…..as a family. I promise, Sweetheart.”
“But what if….” she asked in between her cries, as she pulled away from his embrace, “what if it’s too late…if she’s gone for- forever.”
“Hey!” he answered in a firm tone, despite the fact that tears were begining to well up in his own eyes, “it’s not too late. She’s probably out there right now upset, and crying, missing her Mommy, Daddy, and big brother as much as they’re missing her! I know in my heart she’ll come back to us, Marlena. I know she will. We just gotta have faith. Keep believing. Can you do that for me?”
“I want to, I really do,” she reassured, as she wiped the stray tears from
her face, and then once again wrapped herself in his arms for support. “But
there’s something telling me, something that keeps tugging at my heart that
says I’ve lost my little girl, and I can’t shake that feeling, John.”
“But Sweetheart, that’s what it is. Just a feeling.”
“No,” she insisted as she shook her head, and began to cry once more, “This is aternal instinct, John. And it’s scaring me to death because every bone in my body is saying hat my little girl isn’t my little girl anymore….and I don’t know if she ever will be again.”
Page 3 of 6
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Page 4 of 6
“You okay, Doc?” John asked as he watched his wife gaze out of the window searching the world for the hope, faith, love, and most of all, the little
girl that could bring it all back home.
“She’s not coming back, John,” she said softly shaking her head in disbelief, “My baby’s gone,” Marlena wept, as tears streamed down her face,
turning towards her equally grieving husband, as she buried her head in his chest, and the two cried together for what they’d lost.
“Hey, don’t say that, honey,” he whispered, as he gently stroked her hair
,
not only trying to reassure his distraught wife, but himself as well. “Everything’s gonna be okay, I can promise you that.”
“Oh God!” she yelped, as she pulled away from her husband’s embrace, and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“What’s wrong, Sweetheart? Something besides Belle,” he asked sympathetically, as he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, “Please tell me what it is. I may not be able to bring her home, but don’t stop me from trying to ease some of the pain. I can’t bear to lose you, too.”
Turning to face the man she loved more than anything, the strong, vibrant ,
handsome man who she loved so much was only vulnerable to two things in this
world, her and his children.
“I went to the Doctor yesterday,” she began, as she slowly paced towards the
bed and sat down slowly.
“Is everything okay, Marlena? You’re going to be fine, right?” he questioned nervously, afraid to hear the worst, as he walked to where she was sitting, and knelt down at her feet, taking her hand in his own, and giving it a light and loving kiss. “Whatever it is, we can get through it. We can get through anything, honey.”
“It’s nothing bad,” she promised, as she tried her best to smile through the pain and anguish. “Well, it also might not be good considering what’s going on right now.”
“What is it? Just tell me, no matter what, I’ll be here for you.”
Nodding at his comment, she felt as the tears once again trickled down her cheeks.
“I-I-,” she started, overwhelmed with emotion, “I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” John asked in shock, as he let go of her hand, and stood to his feet.
“I’m so sorry, honey. I’m 6 weeks along,” she tried her best to explain as she sobbed uncontrolably. “It happened before the whole Belle thing. It’s just another mess in this whole big mess, and I don’t know what to do!”
“Are you saying that you don’t want this baby?” he asked sadly, as he loo ked
over at her like a lost puppy.
“I thought you wouldn’t,” she replied as she walked towards him, “I thought you’d be angry or upset because of this whole mess. John, I would love to have another child with you, but it just seems so hard right now. I can’t….let…this baby….replace….Belle.”
She broke down, as she allowed herself to collape into his arms, and he was ready to catch her from an emotional fall.
“Doc, I could *never* be mad at you,” he whispered, as he held her closer. “I love you and my kids more than anything and as much as we’re going through right now, I think this new baby is a blessing in disguise. You could never make me mad, never. This child was conceived in love and it will be born into love. Nothing can ever replace what we might have lost with Belle, but there’s still a lot of hope our little girl will come back home,but we can’t live in the past forever. Can’t regret things we couldn’t control. I love you, Marlena, and this baby. I promise you, we will find Belle, and we will have this baby, I want nothing more than that.”
“I love you so much and this baby,” she sobbed, as she gazed deeply into his blue orbs, “I just wish all this love could bring Belle home again because I don’t think I can let go of the past until that happens.”
Page 5 of 6
Weeks had passed since Belle’s disapearence and there was still no sign of her. Things had been as normal as could be since they had returned home to New York, as normal as you could act after the loss of a child. Marlena’s pregnancy was coming along smoothly, but as for Marlena, she was far from okay. She had quit her job at the local hospital, spending every waking moment in her room or Belle’s room, mouring the loss of her daughter.
Her and John had lost the connection that was once there . . . it was still there but as Marlena hid from the world, she began to neglect not only her husband but her son as well. It wasn’t as if she wanted too . . . she was scared, scared to let anyone in when she blamed herself for Belle’s dissapearence, when she felt everyone else did as well, despite the fact they promised they weren’t.
She laid in bed, her body facing the crystal doors overlooking the city. The
rain poured down, making her mood even more depressed. She heard the bedroom
door creak open, wiping the tears that were plummiting down her cheeks.
“Doc?” John asked quietly, sitting down on the bed. He began to stroke his wifes’ hair, feeling her body shake from the tears that kept falling from her hazel eyes. His heart broke for her as he closed his eyes, trying to comfort her. “I made some soup, why don’t you come down and have a bowl.”
“No,” she whispered, almost unheard because of her tears, “I’m not really hungry. I think I’ll just go back to bed.”
“Marlena, you need to eat. You seem to forget that you are carrying a child within you who needs food to grow, to nurture.”
“Forget?” she asked, sitting up in bed, “I don’t think I’ve *forgotten.* You try shoving food down your throat when you’ve been throwing up for the past hour,” she replied snidely, her eyes moving back to the outside world. It was so complicated out there, but yet nothing seemed more complicated than her own life at the moment.
“You and I both know that you’re not sick because of morning sickness,” John said softly. “You need to get ahold of yourself before you kill this baby and yourself.”
“Get over it?” Marlena asked in disbeif, “how the hell do you want me to get over this? Have you, John? Have you gotten over the fact you may never see Belle again?”
“First of all, I never said get over it, Marlena! I said get ahold of yourself, not get over this! You act like you’re the only one at loss here. That I didn’t lose my daughter, that Brady didn’t lose his sister but you know what? As every second passes by, both Brady and I are losing you. You can’t keep doing this! When was the last time you got Brady up in the morning, the last time you got him dressed, the last time you came down to
dinner . . . don’t you realize you are tearing us apart?” John said forcefully.
“Thanks John,” she said sarcastically, tears pooling in her soft hazel eyes. “I’m sorry this is affecting me, what the hell do you want me to do? Play Mary Sunshine? Pretend I’m not in pain, pretend not to feel my heart break to shambles every single time I breathe . . . so tell me John, what the fuck am I supposed to do?” she cried.
“First off, stop acting like you’re the only person who lost! Doc, I *know* this is hard for you. She was my daughter also, she was my little girl, I loved her more than anything but if I stopped caring about the rest of the world, that would get me no where. Do you think Belle would want you to do this? Maybe you should stop playing the victim Marlena, it will get you no where,” he said firmly, walking towards the door. “And one more thing . . . unless you want to lose another child, maybe you should come downstairs and eat something.”
He walked out the door, closing it gently, hearing his wifes’ cries vibrate through the door. He slid down the wall, falling onto the floor, covering his face in his hands as he listened to her cries.
“Please God . . . please let us get through this . . .”
Page 6 of 6
“John?” Marlena whispered, as she crept slowly down the stairs, her hand protecting her ever bulging tummy. “What are you doing awake?”
“Thinking,” John sighed, as he gazed out of the window, over the snow covered landscape.
“About what?” Marlena asked concerned, as she walked over and placed a comforting arm on her husbands shoulder, gently massaging his tense muscles.
“Belle, us, the new baby…everything, honey,” John admitted, as he felt tears well up in his grayish blue eyes. “It’s so hard to have lost one child, but to be bringing another child into this world with the fear that we could lose it…..the way we lost Belle. It’s already tearing us apart, and I dunno if I could go through that again.”
“Oh John,” Marlena sobbed, as she herself began to cry. “Losing Belle is a pain we have to endure for the rest of our lives, and no matter what, we’ll never get over her, and this new baby will never replace her, but we’ve got to start over. This child can’t live in the shadow of what was our love for Belle, it can’t ever feel resented or unwanted.”
“Where did this come from, huh?” John asked, as he turned around, and smiled at his reformed wife’s new outlook on their situation.
“I was thinking, too,” she grinned back, as she draped her arms lovingly around his neck. “And I decided as much as we’re hurting, it would hurt more to fight, and face life arguing constantly, not paying attention to those who need it the most. We’re having another child, and we still have Brady. We can’t lose sight of that. I know that losing Belle hurts, there’s not a second of any day that goes by where I don’t stop missing her, I wish she were back, I pray that she was every night, but that cannot consume our lives
anymore, honey.”
“We’ll never give up faith in our little girl, baby,” John assured as he wrapped his arms securely around his wife’s waist, and looked down adoringly at their child which she was carrying. “I believe she’ll come back to us someday, but in the mean time, we have something to look forward to.”
“Won’t be long now,” Marlena smiled, as John caressed her swelling belly, and felt as the baby made it’s presence known.
“The slugger’s fiesty tonight,” John joked.
“I know, it’s what woke me up,” Marlena moaned as she inhaled deeply, “and contractions are about every ten minutes.”
“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” John asked worriedly, as he frantically hurried to help her to the sofa, and make sure she was seated comfortably.
“Because it’s only been 9 minutes,” she teased.
“Very funny, Marlena,” he replied unamused, “don’t you think why should head to the hospital?”
“Nah, we’ve got a few more hours at leas-ahhh ohh, mmm,” Marlena groaned, as she gripped onto John’s forearm for support.
“Are you sure?” John asked worriedly, as he held on to her tightly.
“Yeah sweetie,” Marlena reassured, as she took a deep breath. “See, I should be fine.”
“I still think we should go to the hospital, honey. I do *not* want to take any chances with our baby. If the Belle situation has taught us anything, it’s *not* to take anything for granted, Doc. I want to make sure you and this baby are fine, so please humor me on this. Let me take you to the hospital, let me make sure we’re there in time so we can do what’s best for the family. Please sweetheart, I know it sounds selfish, but I need you, and Brady and this baby. I need to have you here, I need to make sure things don’t go wrong like they did with Belle.”
Staring deeply at the vulnerability building up in her husband’s eyes, Marlena felt as tears developed in her own.
“All right, John,” Marlena agreed, “Nothing is more important to me than keeping our family safe, and doing what is best for us, and for our children. I know it’s hard to move on without Belle, but we have to do it and if being extra cautious well help us cope, so be it. As hard as it will be, as uphill the battle, we have to move on. For ourselves, for Brady, and for the wonderful, innocent new life we’re about to bring in the world.”
“Okay then,” John smiled as he kissed his wife’s hand lovingly. “Let’s go.”
The Jarlena Journal 