I am standing here tonight, at The Blue Note, and wondering how in the hell I got into the mess I’m in. I don’t want to be here, I don’t really want to be anywhere, except with her. Her, I can’t even say her name right now because it hurts so damn much. In all the years that we’ve known each other, loved each other, I’ve always been able to feel her, even when I thought she was dead for over four years. The longest years of my life, and now, I think they’ll pale in comparison to what I have to deal with. Trying to find a way to keep Brady safe from Nicole is consuming time and taking energy, but at night I still go home to an empty house. That house and I have a lot in common right now. Both of us are so filled with her, with memories of her, but we’re both empty at the same time. I’ve got to get out of here, so I head to the pier, our pier, a place I haven’t been in so long. Staring out at the water only fuels those painful memories. Someday they may give me comfort, remembering the time that we had together, but right now all I want is to make new memories, grow old with her, share more grandchildren with her. Some how it all seems so surreal because I can feel her, like the other day when I swear I heard her voice on my phone, but I watched her die in my arms, I saw her take her last breath, I kissed her cold lips in that morgue. I’ve had fleeting thoughts of forever and spending it with her. The kids are grown, they don’t need me, but I need her so much. No one would notice, they’re all so focused on getting their lives back to normal, but I can’t. How can I have a life when the woman who gave me life is gone? And how did I repay that beautiful creature? I doubted her, I pushed her to the edge, and then I couldn’t save her when I knew that she was innocent. Worse yet, I can’t prove that innocence. How many times have I failed her? Over and over I hurt her, choosing almost everyone over her, including a DiMera and my son. I can feel the tears sliding down my face, but leaving them there is easier than wiping them away. I don’t have the energy for that. My chest hurts with the long ragged breath I just expelled, not that I can really feel it through the rest of the pain in my heart, my mind, my soul. I could end it all, be with her, but will she even want me anymore? She told me that our love was eternal, but then why can’t I feel her?
“Doc, where are you? Why can’t I feel you? I’ve never needed you like I do right now, and as weak as I know it is, all I want to do is join you. I know you’ll tell me it’s selfish, but it’s too hard being here without you. When you “died” the first time, the twinners were still little, I knew that they needed me, but the kids are all grown now, they have lives of their own, and I don’t want to waste any more time without you. Doc, what do I do?”
I’m still toying with the safety on my gun. I grabbed it out of the Jeep without realizing why, but now I know. I have no purpose here with out Marlena. Finally, thankfully, I can think her name again. Marlena, Marlena, Marlena, my beautiful angel, my saving grace, and my best friend.
“Oh God, Doc, please don’t hate me when I get there for being weak. Maybe God won’t even let me in for failing you. Doc, please, I need you to talk to me. DOC!” I bury my head in my hands, bereft of everything.
“John…” I lift my head and glance toward the stairs but they are empty. I shake my head to clear it of her voice and once again place my face in my hands.
“John…” I close my eyes tightly. My mind is playing tricks on me, and I wonder which memory will assault me next, but I see no picture and hear only her voice.
“John…I need you to find me.” Panicking, I look around me. There is nothing but darkness and the shadows of the moonlight off the water. I know what I must do. I release the safety on my gun and finger the smooth cool metal of the barrel. As I place it next to my temple, I think of her sweet voice as she calls to me.
“John, my love, I miss you.”
“I’ll see you soon sweetheart.” My hand trembles slightly as I try to steady the gun. With only thoughts of my beloved flooding my brain I pull the trigger, hoping that God will grant me mercy and let me spend eternity with my one true love. As the eternal blackness envelops me I reach out to her and I feel her slide her dainty hand into mine. Finally, I have come home.
John stood staring for a long time at the lush foliage around him. He was standing in the middle of what looked like Salem Place.
“What the hell…Where am I?” He wandered a bit, trying to get his bearings when her presence washed over him like a spring rain. “Doc…baby, I’m here.” He ran off in the direction of her penthouse, having no idea what he would find, but taking the chance. He stood before the two story building, confusion written all over his face.
“This is bizarre. It looks like our building, but the bottom thirteen floors are missing.” He shook his head and went inside, immediately standing before his front door. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried the key that he had fished out of his pocket. He heard the snick of the lock as it slid out of position and he swung the door open tentatively. John breathed deeply as he walked through the door.
“Doc…Doc, are you here? It’s me, John. Baby, can you hear me?”
He ran up the stairs to the bedroom and found her pajamas lying at the foot of the bed. He picked them up and inhaled her fragrance, letting the soft material run through his fingers. It wasn’t until he turned around that he saw the gray silk pajamas in the chair. John picked them up and looked at them.
“What are these? Why are men’s pajamas in Marlena’s room?”
As he fingered the sleeve, he felt the small monogram at the cuff and inspected it. “RB…” He closed his eyes and felt salt water stinging the back of his eyelids.
“He’s here, and they’re together again. What a colossal fool I was to think that she would still want to be with me after everything…” He didn’t even finish the thought but went running out the door trying to get to anywhere that wouldn’t remind him of her.
Marlena unlocked the door to the penthouse slowly. “I hate being here without John. It’s just a house, there’s nothing familiar, nothing warm about it without him.” His presence enveloped her the second she crossed the threshold and she wrapped her arms around herself to try and hang onto the feeling of him. Marlena closed her eyes and John stood before her reaching out his hand. “John…Oh my gosh, the sirens last night. You are here. I need to find you.” She ran out of the building, hoping that she would find her beloved soon.
John had no idea where he was going; he just knew that he needed to get away from this Salem.
“Too many memories, too much to remind me of a woman that obviously isn’t mine anymore. I was wrong before, this isn’t heaven; it’s my own private hell.”
He tried to find the pier, but it didn’t exist where it should have been. John stood there for a long time contemplating what he should do.
“Doc, I missed you so much that I never really thought through the consequences of my actions. All I wanted was to be with you. I couldn’t function, nothing was right; nothing had any importance, not even the kids. I couldn’t take the well meaning looks of sympathy, the people who told me that they were sorry you were gone for my sake but that still believed you were some sort of monster. Maybe I should have been stronger, maybe I should have tried harder for the kids, but without you my life was completely empty.”
He hung his head as the tears fell to the ground.
Marlena made her way through Salem Place as she headed to where the pier should have been. She had been there last night before the sirens started.
“John, you were in so much pain, and I wanted to be with you so badly. I’ve missed you terribly. At least I know where to find you. I’m coming John, I’ll be there soon.”
She stopped short when she approached the edge of the woods.
“This is still so strange. I know that Pier 29 should be here, but it’s just a clearing in the woods. It’s so disconcerting. Whoever designed this place wanted to obliterate anything having to do with John and me.” She hitched her jaw a little.
“Well, I won’t let him win.” A smile spread across her face as she envisioned holding John in her arms again, feeling his lips against hers.
“Oh, I’ve missed you. Where are you?” She looked around but didn’t see him and she was growing frustrated. “I know you’re here. I can feel you.”
Marlena stopped for a moment and just stood still, letting the breeze run through her hair, listening to the cicadas and birds as they called to one another. She cocked her head to the side and listened intently.
“What is that…It sounds like water, but I haven’t seen any.” She followed the sound for quite a while through the woods until she came to another clearing and gasped at the beauty before her.
“A waterfall and lake? How did I not see this, hear this before?” She shook her head to try to make sense of it but deemed it impossible. Marlena continued her trek and gasped again as she saw her husband, standing beneath the falling water. Her eyes welled with tears as she beheld the strong lines of his body and watched as his muscles moved with each movement of his limbs.
“It won’t do me any good to call out to him. He’ll never hear me over the roar of the water.” She was so transfixed in the vision before her that she didn’t move, and her mind took her back to another time in the water with him. Briefly she flashed to the Hot Springs at Green Mountain Lodge.
“Oh John, I love you so. I know the children think the worst, but I’m so glad you’re here with me.”
John had shed his clothes and was standing under the pounding water, trying to figure out what to do from here.
“Maybe I can avoid her, and she’ll never know that I’m here. Of course I may not have any choice.” He laughed wryly.
“Maybe my eternal fate is to watch Roman and Marlena be happy. Maybe this is my punishment for making her break her marriage vows all those years ago. I’m in hell and it’s entirely my fault, all of the stupid choices that I made that were wrong. Dammit, why didn’t I ever just let go and completely trust her love. Yeah, I had my moments, but she never faltered, she always believed in our love, even through the absolute worst times with Brady and Hope. The only time she didn’t trust me was when she was being toyed with by some unknown force, made out to be a killer, and I failed her.”
John fell to his knees, his head in his hands, finally letting go of the bitter tears that had threatened to overwhelm him since the day she collapsed in his arms. The flashes of that horrifying time on the roof of the jail assaulted him as he wept, finally releasing his pent up anguish.
“Marlena…”
As he took in a cleansing breath, he turned slightly and his breath caught.
“Doc?”
He walked out from under the water and pulled on his jeans as quickly as he could. He approached her slowly; afraid that if he ran toward her she would disappear. They were mere inches apart, both breathing heavily in the humid air, neither one daring to move. Finally, slowly, Marlena brought her hand up and reached toward John’s face. They both gasped as her hand cupped his cheek and she threw herself into his arms.
“I’ve missed you…oh, I’ve missed you so.” They both had tears streaming down their faces as they clung to one another.
“Doc, I couldn’t face it there without you anymore. I’m so sorry. I tried to be strong, but without you I don’t seem to be able to do anything right. I can’t even do this right.” He set her gently away from him and turned so he wouldn’t have to look into her beautiful face. She placed a hand on his arm.
“John…honey, what’s wrong?” He shook his head.
“I’m not supposed to be with you. When I got here, I went to the penthouse and I saw the pajamas with Roman’s initials on them. I figured that I must be in some sort of private hell where I have to suffer through watching the two of you be happy for eternity. Marlena, I need to find a way…”
She pulled him back around to make him look at her.
“Honey, you’re not dead. I’m not dead, and those pajamas were supposed to be yours with your initials on them back in the real Salem, but here they had Roman’s on them. We can’t figure it out.”
“You’re not dead? Doc, I held you in my arms when you took your last breath. I watched as some psychotic mortician stabbed you in the stomach with a scalpel, I let them bury you. How are you not dead? How am I not dead?”
“John, we don’t know, none of us, we just know that we’re here, in this replica of Salem.”
“We? Who else is here?” Her eyes filled with tears.
“Everyone, Abe, Jack, Maggie, Caroline, Cassie, Roman, Tony, Victor, Doug, and Alice. All of the people who have died in the last few months have all ended up here, while everyone at home thinks we’re dead. John, I didn’t kill anyone.” He took her in his arms again and held her tightly. “I didn’t kill anyone.” He brought a handful of her hair to his nose and inhaled her sweet scent again.
“Maybe I am in Heaven.” She pulled back again and hazel and blue locked.
“Heaven doesn’t feel this good.” Marlena pulled John’s head down to her and fused her lips with his. They were gentle kisses that soon became more passionate, more demanding and as Marlena softly sought entrance to John’s mouth with her tongue, he let out a low moan. Breathlessly, she reassured him.
“John, neither of us is dead, and I’ve missed you terribly. I love you so.”
“I love you too. I’m so sorry I failed you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t stronger.” She put a finger to his lips.
“No more talking, we can do that later. Right now I want to show you how alive we are.” She pulled him down again for another searing kiss before taking his hand and leading him to the water’s edge. Marlena untied the knot in her shirt and slid it down her arms before letting it fall to the ground. John grabbed the hem of her tank and pulled it up over her head. They both undid their pants and stepped out of them at almost the same time, and John looked at his wife quizzically.
“Doc, you are so incredibly beautiful, and don’t get me wrong, I like it a lot, but why aren’t you wearing any lingerie?” John saw the slight tremor of fear wash over her.
“I couldn’t stand the thought of wearing something so intimate when I had no idea who put it in the drawers at the replica penthouse. This place looks like home John, but it’s not, not at all.” John brought her to him and held her tightly, thankful that he had found her, even though he still had so many questions. He stepped back and looked at his wife.
“I think you said something about making us both feel alive.”
“I did say something like that didn’t I?” He took her face between his hands and kissed her with abandon, slowly backing her into the clear, cool water.
“Doc, I’ve missed you, so much.”
“I’ve missed you too. I’m so sorry for keeping us apart for so long.”
“No more apologies until later.” He kissed her again, lining his body up against hers and reveling in the way they fit together. “Much later.” John tasted her neck, her collarbone, and the tops of her breasts before moving her toward the crashing waterfall. She put her mouth right next to his ear to make sure he heard her.
“Where are we going?”
“I found a ledge behind the falls when I was showering. It’s still in the water but it’ll give us some privacy.” As they neared the falls, John picked her up and carried her around to the other side of the descending water. She saw the ledge that John was talking about and noticed that there was a considerable amount of pooled water in front of it. When John set her down on the smooth rock, she stepped into the water and held her hand out for him to follow. He ran his hands up her arms after slipping in next to her.
“You have goose bumps.”
“You were too far away, but I’m much warmer now.”
Impatient with waiting, she pulled his mouth to hers and slid her tongue over his, reminding him what they could do to each other. John again kissed her neck and upper chest before lifting her slightly out of the water to taste her breasts. Marlena wrapped her legs around his waist and arched against him slightly. Slowly he slid her down until she was impaled on him and they both groaned in sheer ecstasy. John felt the side of the rock to make sure there were no jagged edges and when he found it smooth, he backed Marlena up and braced her against it. He plunged into her again and they found their own private rhythm. It didn’t take long for them both to reach their erotic peak and they came together, kissing madly.
John and Marlena were swimming in the pond, just enjoying being together again, when John snuck up behind Marlena and pulled her under. She came up sputtering and looked around for her husband. Just as she saw him about to surface, she dove under the water and swam behind him, deftly pushing him under. When John came back up for air, he had Marlena around the waist and was kissing her madly. Neither one noticed the person standing in the trees watching them with jealous eyes.
“Doc, I’m so glad that we’re together again. I missed you more than I can ever express.” Marlena traced his jaw with her finger.
“You still didn’t tell me how you got here.”
“It’s not important right now.” She gave him a half smile.
“And what’s more important?” He kissed her soundly.
“Making love to my wife.” The observer wanted desperately to move away but was transfixed. He thought about coming forward to talk to Marlena, but didn’t want to face John, so he stood and tried not to notice the intense pleasure they were giving to each other. John and Marlena were still oblivious to the person in the trees until John caught movement out of the corner of his eye.
“John, what’s wrong?” John strained to see if he could see more.
“I thought I saw something move.” Marlena was shaking. “Sweetheart, are you cold?”
“No, I’m scared. I’d like to go back to the penthouse.”
“It was probably just an animal.”
“I don’t care. This whole place just sets my teeth on edge. Can we go back? Please?”
“Hey, hey.”
He rubbed his hands up and down her arms. “Of course we can go back.” John hugged Marlena to him tightly before swimming closer to where they left their clothes. He picked them up and carried them back to where Marlena was after struggling to get his wet legs into his jeans. Marlena scrambled out of the water and got dressed as quickly as possible.
“Doc, are you o.k. You’re pretty pale.”
“I just want to get back to the house.” At that moment Roman walked through the trees.
“John, what are you doing here?” John turned, his eyes full of questions.
“I could ask you the same thing. Roman, did you happen to see anyone on your way out here?” Roman thought for a minute.
“No, why?” Marlena put her hand on John’s arm.
“No reason, just that Doc and I thought we saw something but it was probably an animal.” Roman shook his head.
“Yeah.” Roman shifted his focus to Marlena who was looking everywhere but at him. “I was looking for you everywhere. Have you been here long?” John thought he saw a flash of guilt in Roman’s eyes but kept his anger in check.
“Roman wouldn’t have been spying on us would he?”
“Actually, John and I have been here for a while, after I finally found him anyway.”
An awkward silence fell over the group.
“Listen, I’m not feeling really well, so if you don’t mind Roman, John and I are going to go back to the penthouse. Can you do me a favor and keep the others at bay for a while.” Roman was looking at them both.
“Uh, sure, whatever you want, but I know Abe is going to want to see John sooner rather than later.” Marlena’s patience was about to snap.
“Just for a couple of hours, please.” Roman held up his hands in surrender.
“Fine, fine, a couple of hours.” Neither of them looked back as they walked hand in hand toward the replica of their house.
The second they walked through the penthouse door, John pulled Marlena into his arms and held her tightly until she stopped shaking.
“Want to tell me what this is all about?” She took his hand and led him to the couch. They wrapped themselves around each other and got comfortable.
“I just feel as though I’m always being watched, you know? Whoever our host is, he or she has gone to great lengths to separate the couples in Salem. Bo and Hope are the only ones of our friends left who are still together.” John looked at her in disbelief.
“I never even thought of that.” Suddenly he looked around as if seeing the penthouse for the first time. “Doc, this is exactly the same as Salem. The pictures, the couch, even all of the knick-knacks. Who would do this, and how the hell did I not end up really dead?” He was still scanning the room when he felt the slight pressure under his chin. Marlena made him look at her and when hazel and blue locked he knew that he would have to tell her the truth.
“John, how did you get here? How did you ‘die’?” He tried to look anywhere but into the gorgeous amber eyes of his wife, but she wouldn’t let him look away. John blinked trying to control his tears of shame. He wanted so badly to stand and pace, but he couldn’t bear to leave the safety of her arms.
“I was so lost without you, and I was at the Blue Note the night that it happened.
Suddenly I couldn’t take any of it anymore. I drank at the Brady Pub, at home in the dark, at the Blue Note, but I couldn’t get drunk enough to get rid of the pain. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to go back to the penthouse because you weren’t there, and I ended up at the pier. I just needed to be close to you and the pier is always where we found our way back to each other.” John closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his forehead as his tears fell unendingly.
“It was so much harder this time than it was when Eric, Sami, and Carrie were little, and such a huge part of me died with you then. I had a purpose for living that time, but this time, all the kids are grown, and I just wanted to be with you. I’m only whole when we’re together. I know it was selfish, I know that I should have been stronger, but I just couldn’t, and then when I heard you calling me, I knew…I knew that I had to get to you. I’m so sorry. I should have been stronger…I broke my promise to you to take care of the kids…but I just…God…without you…”
He was weeping uncontrollably and Marlena knew that he would never be able to tell her, but she knew. And she realized at that moment that she knew the night before when she was standing where the pier should have been in this replica. They had reconnected and they were both once again whole. Marlena wiped the stray tears from his face and pulled him to her giving him all of her strength.
“John, I don’t think any less of you, please don’t think that I’m ashamed of you or angry for how you got here. Selfishly, I’m so glad that you’re here with me. Last night I went to where the pier should be and I thought of you and everything that we should be doing together, and I missed you so terribly. All I wanted to do was get home to you, but I couldn’t. And when I came back here to go to sleep, all I could think of was how cold this place is. It holds no memories of you and me, there is no love, no warmth, and when I walked in here today and felt you, my heart leapt with joy for the first time in so long. I love you John Black, through everything.” He took her face in his hands and kissed her so tenderly, so reverently.
“Doc, you are my saving grace, my one true love, and my eternity. I have never felt more pain than when I watched you take your last breath, and I have never felt more happiness than when I look in your incredible golden eyes and see that love that you have just for me.”
This time she kissed him and they held each other for endless minutes.
The Jarlena Journal 