Perfect Strangers – By Tash

1975, the war in Vietnam was finally over. Some were lucky and could go home but many weren’t that fortunate and were killed. I, John Black, am one of the lucky ones, I got to go home. Physically I am fine but my emotional scars are much bigger. The things I saw… They will be burned in my memory forever. I watched a lot of good men die, some in my arms, some blown to pieces by grenades. Every time I shut my eyes I see those images again. Bloody faces, pain, shouting and lots of prayers. The kids that got killed or were used as bate. Those little faces, those scared eyes just before they died. I have to try and block it out of my memory, if only I knew how.

 

We couldn’t believe it when we heard the war was over and we could go home. It was so unreal but still we couldn’t get packed fast enough to aboard the ship that would take us back to the states. When the ship docked we could she all the happy family’s waiting for us. My best friend in war, Abe, stood next to me when we watched all those waving people.

 

“Geez John, I never would have thought we lived to see this,” he said to me while waving back.

 

“I know,” I smiled, “It’s like I’m dreaming.”

 

“Do you think you will recognize your wife after four years?” He asked.

 

“I sure do, I would recognize her anywhere. We hadn’t been married for long when I had to go to war but I just know her every feature.” I was so exited for this was the moment we all dreamed of and most of us weren’t as fortunate to live to see this particular dream come true.

 

“So what was it like? You met her and three weeks later you married her and again three weeks later you were shipped off?” He laughed again. Many of us had married so quickly, just to have someone to return home to when the war was over.

 

“Something like that yeah.”

 

For me it was slightly different, she was amazing and I really married her out of love. Sure maybe I married her a lot sooner than I would have if there hadn’t been a war going on but still, I was in love with her when I married this lady.

 

We got off the ship and said our goodbyes and we promised to keep in touch but we both knew we had to settle down first. He had found his wife and child almost immediately. I searched for my wife but couldn’t find her. Half an hour later the dock was empty and still I didn’t see her. She just wasn’t there. I got on the train that was going to take me closest to home and thought of a thousand reasons why she didn’t pick me up. On the train I dozed off but a nightmare kept me from a peaceful sleep. I prayed that there would come a day when I can have a goodnights rest.

 

I got off the train and still a little piece of me hoped she would be there, although I knew better. I walked the last few miles home and stopped before the front door of our apartment. I took the little frame with her picture out of my pocket and took out the key behind it. It still felt surreal, for four years that picture was all I had, all that kept me sane.

 

My hands were shaking when I reached for the doorknob and opened it.

 

“Kristen?”

 

There she was, looking gorgeous as ever, blow drying her hair.

 

“John!! Hi honey!!”

 

She came up to me, kissing me. This was nice because I didn’t know what to expect after finding out she didn’t came to pick me up.

 

“You weren’t on the station to pick me up, so I thought…”

 

“I didn’t know you were coming,” she said with her sweet childlike voice.

 

Her blonde locks where shining by the sunlight that came through the window of our too cramped apartment.

 

“I wrote it in my letters.” My fingers were playing with her hair. My eyes locked onto her blue eyes.

 

“Oh”, she turned away from me, “I didn’t read them.”

 

“Didn’t you get them? I wrote almost every day.” I couldn’t believe she hadn’t read the letters I poured my heart into.

 

“At first I read them but I couldn’t stand to read about the fighting and the killing , but I kept all of them , look…” She took out a hard wooden box and opened it, all my letters were in there as far as I could see. But what use is it to keep them if you have no intension to read them?

 

“As long as they kept coming I knew you were alive. I just couldn’t bring myself to read them. Forgive me?” She held onto me like a child that wanted to make up for being naughty.

 

“Yeah, sure.” I was just glad to be home.

 

“I wrote to you, did you get my letters?”

 

I raised my eyebrow, I got three letters in four years from her.

 

“I got a few.”

 

“Hey, I told you I wasn’t a big writer,” she pouted. “I went to mister Sweeney to hold your job just like he promised. So you can go back to work as soon as you can, that’s what he said. Just wear your uniform, people love war hero’s. I even got you a raise.”

 

She sounded proud and purred like a kitten. Why did I love this woman again? She became more and more of a stranger to me. Maybe it was because I was away for so long and we had to get reacquainted to each other again.

 

“Kristen, I don’t want to go back and be a salesman.”

 

“You got something better?”

 

“Well no but…You know, during the war I had plenty of time to think about what I want from life, for me, for us. I wrote that in my letters.”

 

That comment made her a bit angry.

 

“Are we back to those letters again? Do you want me to read those damn letters?”

 

“No, but if you had read them, you would know how I feel, what I want.”

 

She mellowed a little.

 

“Sweetie, tell me what you want.”

 

That’s when she started to undress me, how can I say no to that after four years?

 

“I thought some time.” My breathing became ragged.

 

“Time is money, don’t you want things? Beautiful expensive things? I want things that I’ve spent my life without.”

 

I didn’t care anymore about what she said, I pulled her against me and we fell on the bed, making sweet love. Oh God, it had been so long and she smelled so good.

 

“You will wear your uniform won’t you?” she asked right after.

 

“My uniform?”

 

“Yeah when you go back to work.”

 

“Yeah sure.” I didn’t want to argue anymore, I just wanted to relish in the feeling of a warm bed and her in my arms.

 

The next morning I knew I needed some time to think about me, my life, her, us. I decided to go back to work, while I was on the road I would have plenty of time to think. Somehow I knew she wouldn’t miss me that much, nor I her for that matter. What had changed so much? Was it me? Was it her? Maybe us both? I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I took the first train out of there and was glad I did. How glad I was I only found out much later.

On the platform of the station I was staring at the coming train. I thought of Kristen. Had she really changed that much? Or was it me, didn’t I just know myself anymore?

Either way I knew the best thing for now was that I left a few days. I left her a note saying I got back to my job to earn money so I could give her the things she so desperately wanted. In fact I had no desire to go back to that job again but it gave me some time to think. I was a salesman, my job was to go from city to city, from door to door to sell people things they didn’t really need. I hated it but it paid. In those days, at that time in life you couldn’t be too picky, it was hard enough to get a job, let alone keep it.

 

I was pulled out of my mesmerizing when the train came by and stopped right in front of me, the draft coming from it blowing through my hair, pulling me into reality.

I got on the train, looking for an empty seat. That’s when I saw her… A stunning blonde.

For a brief moment we stared at each other, she took my breath away. She was dressed in a simple with skirt with matching blouse, her hair was long and fell over her shoulders in a way I will never forget. Golden locks flattered her beautiful face. Hazel eyes staring right in my steel blue ones.

The moment didn’t last long, she struggled with her suitcase, trying to get it onto the rack. It fell and all her belongings fell out. I hurried to her to help her put it all back in.

With a shy smile she thanked me. She smelled divine, later I would find out it was Shalimar, her favourite perfume. I had just put her suitcase in the rack when the train shifted and unable to keep our balance, we fell. To make matters worse, I fell on top of her. You would think a gentleman would stand up as soon as he could, but again, we stared at each other. It only were a few seconds but for me it lasted an eternity.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, here let me help you up.” I stuttered. I stretched my hand out to her and she took it. Her hand felt so warm in mine, her skin was so silky.

Again the moment didn’t last, her face went pale.

 

“Are you okay miss?”

 

Before she could answer that she held on to me and threw up. All over my uniform. I made sure she sat down before I excused myself to clean up. She too went to the bathroom to clean up she said. I tried as good or as bad as I could to wash the stains out. The stains disappeared somewhat but the smell stayed. I tried not to notice people pinching their nose when I walked by, returning to my seat. I looked around to see if she was okay too but I couldn’t find her. I didn’t think much of it, maybe she was too embarrassed to come back here. Her suitcase still was in the rack so I knew she had to come back sooner or later. I fell in sleep, it wasn’t for long cause the nightmares kicked in again. Visions of dying kids, fellow soldiers, the constant firing of guns, the smell of burned flesh, it woke me up in a sweat. I hadn’t slept long, but long enough to miss her, she was gone, her suitcase was gone. The conductor told me in no uncertain ways that I had to go off too cause my ticket didn’t go any further. When I took a look at it I realised that the tickets must have been mixed up when we fell to the floor. Her ticket went as far as the city closest to Salem so she must have had mine. I got off the train but instead of buying a new ticket, I decided to take the bus instead. Imagine my surprise when I got on it and saw her there, sitting by the window, reading a large book. Almost immediately she sees me too. I smile at her and she blushed in the cutest way.

 

“Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed. I wanted to apologise but you slept.”

 

I sat myself down at the other side of the bus next to her.

“Apology accepted. Good book?”

 

she held it up and I read the title; psychiatry of human nature.

“Wow, quite a mouthful.”

 

“I’m a psychiatrist.”

 

“That explains it.”

 

“That’s a coincidence that you go the same way I do.”

 

“Nope, I had to go further but my ticket didn’t. it’s strange, it did when I got in the train.” I laughed.

 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I thought it was a mistake they made at the ticket box, it seems I have yours. I’m so sorry, they must have been mixed up when we fell.”

 

“Don’t worry, that’s okay, really.”

 

Next thing I knew was that there came two guys on the bus who gave her a hard time. I didn’t want to butt in but when they couldn’t keep their hands off of her I lost it. I got into a fight with them and we got thrown off the bus. I watched the bus leave with her in it, my heart almost broke when I saw it disappear. I thought I would never see her again. At the same time I felt guilty towards Kristen, I missed the lady in the bus more than my own wife. I decided that I could sulk or swallow in self-pity or I could just go on and see where the road leaded me, I chose the last.

I walked for about two miles when I saw that beautiful vision again, there she was, in the middle of a dirt road surrounded by forest, sitting on her suitcase.

 

“I don’t think we were properly introduced. I’m John Black.”

 

“Marlena Evans” she looked towards her feet, too embarrassed to look at me, also surprised to see me.

“I’m sorry you got thrown off the bus, I’m sorry I caused you so much trouble. I think you better go, who knows what happens next when you stay here with me.”

 

“Well I guess the forest could get on fire” I laughed. She gave me a slight smile, something big was bothering her, I knew that much.

“Why aren’t you on the bus? “

 

“This is my stop.”

 

“You’re waiting for your ride, right?” Her face was so sad it almost broke my heart.

 

“No… no, I’m waiting for a miracle.” She began to cry and every tear stabbed my heart.

“He’s going to kill me” she stammered.

 

“Who?”

 

“My father”

 

“Look it’s none of my business but if you want to talk about it…”

I watched her reaction, hoping she would open up to me, I wanted to help her so badly. I watched her taking out a letter of her purse. She handed it to me and I unfolded it. I read a bit of it.

“I wasn’t meant to be tied down. I’m a free spirit.” I looked up to her, confused,

“ Who’s a free spirit?”

 

“Someone I thought I knew…. He and I, we were… “ She fell apart, the tears came running down her cheeks harder. What I wouldn’t give to wipe them away.

 

“I don’t know your father but just because of this persona…”

 

“I’m pregnant.” It came out so softly, almost a whisper but I heard. That put a whole new light on the matter. In the 70’s it still was an embarrassment to the family if you had a baby without being married. Now I knew her dilemma.

 

“Oh….oh. You’re very upset, I can understand that.” I squatted in front of her, wanting to pull her in an embrace but didn’t.

“But Marlena, look at the positive side. There’s a new life coming to this world, that’s a miracle in itself.”

 

“My dad is very old-fashioned, traditional, he will kill me for having a baby and not being married…. I just know he will.”

 

I thought about her problem for a moment.

“How about if you show up with a husband?”

 

“Who does what? Comes for the day and abandons me the next morning?”

 

She looked at me through teary lashes, surrounding those beautiful eyes.

“Yeah that happens, comes to meet the family, stays the night, leaves in the morning. Leaving a note in the mailbox that says…”

 

“He’s leaving me?” She still wasn’t convinced, to me it sounded as the perfect solution.

 

“It happens, believe me it does.”

 

She got up and picked up her suitcase, ready to walk home, beat.

“You’re very kind for trying to help me, maybe it might work but there’s no one.”

 

She turned her back to me and started walking, struggling with that heavy suitcase.

 

“Miss Evans… Marlena…. There’s me.” I watched her turn around and saw a sparkle in her eyes. I could tell she liked the idea, she accepted. I took over her suitcase and we started walking the last mile to her home. Meanwhile having a nice talk.

 

“Was it horrible? The fighting I mean.” She asked looking at my uniform.

 

“When the shooting started you just went blank, you just had to think of something else.” I tried to sound light about it but I had the feeling she saw right through me.

 

“What did you do?”

 

“I wrote letters to my wife. In my head, I would write it down later.”

 

“About the war?”

 

“About everything I would like after the war, like a good job, a nice house, a yard with a dog running around with a few kids you know. I know it’s a cliché.”

 

“I bet she hung on every word.”

 

If you only knew, I thought. This beautiful lady would do that but not my wife, not Kristen.

“Uhh yeah something like that.”

 

Then it became silent, not awkward, nice.

 

“You are very kind to do this for me.”

 

“And for the baby, I do it for the both of you.”

 

“Well, thanks from the both of us.”

 

“You’re both welcome.” The smile she gave me was radiant. The man that had let this lady walk away was a fool.

 

She stopped walking and looked through some trees, I walked up next to her to see what she was looking at. It was a huge mansion, surrounded by acres of land. There was no mistake, this was the beautiful home of an amazing lady and her family.

We walked through the garden towards the house, it was a long walk but we didn’t get far.

Her father popped up out of nowhere it seemed and looked at me as if he already didn’t like me. I could understand why she was afraid to face him. I am not a tiny man but this man… this man was even taller than me, with strong muscles from all the hard work he had done, that much I knew. He took me off guard a little but when I glanced at Marlena it seemed as if she had the courage for the both of us all of the sudden. Knowing she came home with a husband gave her the confidence to face her father without fear. I wish I could say the same. The man looked right through me, I just knew that if I left the next morning, abandoning his daughter he would hunt me down and have me for breakfast. Not much to look forward to.

 

“Daddy!” She gave him a big hug and tried to sound cheerful but he just kept staring at me.

 

“Who’s he?” He asked without taking his eyes off of me. I stretched out my hand to introduce myself but he didn’t move a muscle, he didn’t even blink. Okay point taken, I’m not wanted here.

 

“John Black, my husband.” Marlena said to him with a strong confident voice.

 

He immediately turned around and walked towards the house, Marlena tried to stop him to explain but he wouldn’t listen. I just ran up behind them, reminding myself why I did this again. One look at Marlena and I knew; her and her baby. We went into the house, the doors were huge but the inside of the house was just breathtaking. I had never seen such a big estate let alone been inside one. Light coloured tiles on the floor, rose printed wallpaper, matching candles on the wall and furniture. Too bad her dad made such a noise.

 

“Martha!!…Martha!!” He was screaming, searching for someone that I almost knew was his wife.

 

I looked at Marlena who was beginning to lose her confidence again.

 

“It will be okay” I said to her, to convince us both. Her father turned on his heels and looked at me with a face filled with anger.

 

“Like hell it will be okay! I’m going to put an end to this, even if I have to go all the way to the pope to do it!”

 

“We weren’t married in the church,” Marlena whispered, looking down because she didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. Her father turned around again, more pissed than he already was. I had put my arm around Marlena since she looked as if she were about to cry. Why did he treat her this way? She was his daughter for Gods sakes.

 

“Martha!!”

 

A woman came from around the corner with a worried face, wondering what this commotion was all about. I could see that Marlena got her looks from her mother. She was a beautiful woman with a sweet face and with eyes that seemed to always be laughing. Little stars were dancing in her eyes, just like Marlena’s.

 

“What’s wrong Frank?” Before he could answer, Martha saw her daughter. “Marlena!”

 

Marlena had let go of me and rushed to her mother, hugging her fiercely.

 

“What’s the problem?” Martha asked again.

 

“Here’s the problem.” Frank pointed his finger at me.

 

“What on earth are you talking about?”

 

“What am I talking about? Your daughter married this man.” He said, slapping his hands to his side.

 

“His name is John,” Marlena said to her mother giving her dad a dirty look.

 

Now I really began to feel uncomfortable, what the hell was I doing here?

 

“I will not tolerate this,” Frank said looking at me as if I was yesterdays waste.

 

“You are so unfair!” Marlena yelled.

 

“Me? Unfair? Did I come home to tell my family I don’t care about their trust? I didn’t marry this… this… “ He looked at me from head to toe and asked; “What do you do?”

 

“I’m a salesman sir.”

 

“No!” He said not believing me.

 

“Yes”.

 

Frank stormed out of the room, stamping his feet like a child that didn’t get his way. At that moment I thought that man was the biggest snob I would ever see. I couldn’t believe it.

 

“Mom, I just wanted to surprise you and dad.” She took her mothers hands in hers to try to make her understand. I was just counting the hours till I could leave again.

 

“Well you succeeded.” Her mother said with half a smile.

 

“He wants me to marry someone I barely know, just because he’s from the right family. I’m no horse mom, it’s me who decides who I want to marry or not. How many times did you tell me the heart wants what the heart wants?”

 

“Is this what your heart wants? “ Martha looked her deep in the eyes.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Truly?”

 

“Yes truly.” She couldn’t look her mother in the eye saying that. Somehow that stung a little.

 

“Then everything will be fine, you’ll see, your dad acts this way because he loves you.”

 

Martha excused herself, smiled at me and went back from where ever she came from. Marlena turned around and looked at me.

 

“Ready for round two?” She grinned.

 

“Round two?” My heart sunk in my shoes, I was hoping to retreat myself and after that disappear in the night.

 

“Yes, dinnertime. Come on let’s go freshen up. Don’t worry, eventually my dad will turn around. He might not like that you are a salesman but I can tell he’s impressed with your uniform, he likes men that stand up for their country.”

 

“Could’ve fooled me,” I murmured walking behind her, heading for the bedroom.We freshened up and went downstairs again for dinner.

 

At first there was an uncomfortable silence, it was there so obvious you could cut it with a knife. I sat right across Frank Evans and Marlena sat across her mother but next to me. Her father was constantly looking at me with his eyes of anger. If looks could kill, I would be long gone.

 

“This is pumkinflowersoup, it’s my mom’s specialty.” Marlena said trying to brake the silence. I know she tried to make me feel comfortable, but it didn’t work.

 

“it’s delicious. “ I said after tasting it, I didn’t lie, her mom was an amazing cook.

 

Martha smiled at me and said: “it’s an old recipe.” Then there was the silence again but I could notice Martha warming up to me, she was a very kind lady.

 

“So, by all the commotion, we never heard the story about how you two met.”

 

I almost choked on my soup, we never talked about that, we had to come up with some story right here and now. “well. I was on leave in June…”

 

“July! I was just in town.” She said, kicking my leg.

 

“July, that’s right. We met in the library.” How I came up with that one I have no idea but I thought shrinks had to look up lots of things so it was a save bet she came there often.

 

“so tell us Mr. Black, “ Frank said, “Now we have such a ‘clear’ picture of how you two met, where are you from?”

 

“from Moline, Illinois.”

 

“Hmm, wherever that is.” The man did his best to make it clear he didn’t want me there.

 

“It’s in the middle of the country dad, exactly in the middle right?” she looked at me, trying to help.

 

“right”, I said, choking on my soup again.

 

“Do your parents still live in Moline?”

 

“I never knew my parents.” I said looking him in his eyes.

 

“Who brought you up? The fairy’s?” I so much wanted to punch the man in the face but I didn’t.

 

“I grew up in a home”

 

“Who’s home?” I almost had to laugh of his ignorance.

 

“I meant an orphanage.”

 

“Wonderful, this is just wonderful”, he shouted, “my daughters ancestors go back four hundred years. She’s from one of the finest family’s here in the States and now she is married to a man without a past. Or worse, a man with no past… AND no future. Wonderful.” It took all my strength not to get mad.

 

“You don’t know if he has no future.” Marlena yelled. I was glad she responded cause it was better if I didn’t. “You know nothing about him.” She continued.

 

“Do you? Do you know anything about this man?”

 

“Yes! I know he wants a house with kids, running around in the backyard with a dog and he wants a good job! I know that he knows how to love somebody!” It did me a world of wonders to hear her talking like that about me.

 

“A good job? You mean like the one he has?” of course the man couldn’t listen to the positive sides, he just had to put me down again.

 

I stood up, excusing myself. “Excuse me, it was very good Mrs. Evans. Thank you.”

 

I walked out of the room, towards the garden. Marlena followed my footsteps.

 

“he isn’t pulling punches, is he?” I asked when I noticed her standing behind me. She walked up and stood right next to me with a compassionate look upon her beautiful face.

 

“I’m sorry, you must think they are horrible.” She took my hand, hers was so warm and her skin was so soft, I almost believed our fairytale.

 

“When I was a kid, every night I would climb on the roof of the orphanage and make a wish on every star I could find.”

 

“That must have been a lot of wishes.” She whispered looking at the starry sky above.

 

“Actually it was just one.”

 

“What was that?”

 

“What you have in there.” I pointed at the house.

 

“People that boss you around? Telling you how to live your live?”

 

“Better than having no one telling you.”

 

“I don’t know about that.” Of course she couldn’t know. How could she? She didn’t know better, her parents had always been there.

 

“I do.”

 

“that’s no reason for him to treat you that way.”

 

“No, and I was going to say something but… I just thought, what if it were me? A strange man married my daughter and I am the last to know? I would treat him the same way.”

 

“No you wouldn’t” she sounded so sure of herself, but I don’t know, I guess I wouldn’t welcome the man with open arms.

 

“I do.” I laughed. I looked at her and was mesmerised by her beauty. She made the moonbeams shine more brilliant, the stars sparkle more. “well it’s only another eight hours and then it is the road for me again. I think the worst part is over don’t you?” she nodded slightly, it seemed as if she wasn’t willing to think about my leaving, it warmed my heart.

 

“Let’s go to sleep.” She said to me , taking my arm guiding me upstairs.

 

When we got to the bedroom we found Martha there, making the bed. I thought I would sleep in the guestroom, but Martha wouldn’t hear of it. We ‘newlyweds’ should share a bed so she and Frank would stay in the guestroom and we could have theirs.

 

“This bed was my dowry when I married Frank. Before that it was my grandma’s. She had brought it all the way from Paris. And this is where we’ve spent our first wedding nights, my grandmother, my mother and me. I know this is not your first night together, but I would like to think it is. It’s just that from the beginning our weddings have been blessed.”

 

Martha told while folding the sheets right and all wrinkles.

 

“You know….” She said looking at me with a pillow in her hand, “It’s out of love my husband roars. We are very traditional people John. He’ll come around. Love each other, always and forever.”

 

All I could do was nod, when she finished speaking she left the room. I was baffled. I hadn’t expected Franks reaction but I didn’t expect Martha’s either. This woman didn’t know me at all and yet she took me in as if I was her own and belonged at the side of her daughter.

 

I excused myself to Marlena and said I was going to the bathroom. I just needed to have some time alone. Martha really made me feel as if I was part of their family. I never had a family, this was all I had ever longed for and now I had it. Almost. I knew I had to leave soon.

 

I walked by the guestroom and could overhear a conversation between Martha and Frank.

 

“First he comes to my house and steals my daughter and now he takes my bed too? NO!”

 

“You just don’t want to see that your daughter has grown up. She’s a woman, a wife now. He didn’t steal her anymore than you stole me.”

 

Although I knew it was wrong to listen, I couldn’t help myself.

 

 

”I asked your father for your hand, like it is supposed to go, with respect. Who is he? He’s a nobody!”

 

“He’s her choice and she’s our daughter. Frank it was us who learned her to be how she is, to make her own choices, her own life. If we don’t trust her, how can we trust ourselves? You go to them and wish them a good night before they think you are furious with them.”

 

“But I am!”

 

“Shhh” I could here Martha say when she, I think, pulled him in for a kiss.

 

“I am furious with them” Frank whispered and laughed, claiming the kiss.

 

“You should smile more, you’re so handsome when you …” Martha’s last words were smothered by an other kiss. I hurried back to the bedroom, eavesdropping is bad enough but I am no pervert.

 

Marlena was already in bed when I came in. I told her I would sleep on the floor to give her her privacy.

 

“Do you like to be a salesman?”

 

“No, not really.” She tried to look the other way when I undressed but I saw her peak, I acted as if I didn’t see it.

 

“Why do you do it?”

 

“That’s why I took this trip. Because I needed to figure things out.”

 

“But you have figured things out already.”

 

“It’s not that easy, it’s kind of complicated.”

 

“Doesn’t seem complicated to me though.”

 

“You’re not married.” I regretted saying that before the last word was out of my mouth. I knew I had hurt her saying that. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. You’ve been wonderful to me, more than wonderful.” The hurt was still visable in her beautiful hazel eyes.

 

“There will be someone for you Marlena.”

 

“You don’t have to make me feel better.”

 

“No, I believe that there’s someone for everyone, who will love you no matter what.”

 

“Would you marry a woman with another man’s child?”

 

“Yes. If I loved her.”

 

At that moment there was a knock on the door. I threw the pillow and blanket back on the bed as crazy and I got into bed with her in no time. It was Frank who stuck his head around the door when we said come in to wish us a good night. Marlena was relieved and thought Frank bought it but I could see in the man’s eyes he knew something was wrong with this picture.

The next morning I got up before dawn to make my escape so to speak.

 

I didn’t have the heart to wake up Marlena. It was amazing how fast she had conquered my heart. A big part of me wanted to stay with her forever but then Kristen sneaked into my thoughts and I knew it wasn’t possible. I was already married. I always thought I married her cause I loved her, but now I had found out I didn’t know what love was. Maybe this wasn’t love either yet, but I just couldn’t describe my feelings at that time. I was so overcome with all sorts of emotions. This lady had touched my life like no one else could.

 

I was just about to leave when I turned around and looked at the magnificent house once more, silently saying goodbye to the only real love I had ever known, when I heard this hostile voice behind me.

 

“Leaving so soon already?” There was Frank, pointing at my suitcase, staring me down with his anger filled eyes.

 

“Uhm, just going to work, that’s all.” I lied.

 

“So, before you leave.. care to tell me the truth?”

 

“About what?” I played dumb.

 

“Your relationship with my daughter.”

 

“What about it?” I was beginning to feel very uncomfortable.

 

“Yeah, what about it? I see no certificate, nor rings for that matter.”

 

I looked at my hand and it was painful empty.

 

“She left, we heard nothing from her in months, she comes back married. Why?”

 

At that point he got me mad. He had every reason to doubt me, but now he mistrusted his own daughter. He needed a reality check. If he wasn’t so blinded by his own proud, he wouldn’t have a daughter afraid to tell her father the truth. That she loved a guy who she loved dearly, which knocked her up and left her, afraid of the responsibilities. Frank should have hunted THAT guy down, not be on my case. If only I could tell him that.

 

“You know, you should trust her a bit more. She came back here for you! For her family! If you could give her half a chance you would see what an amazing, loving and caring woman she is. You raised her, so you should know what she’s like. She doesn’t deserve to be mistrusted by her father. I’m really sorry if I’m way out of line here but that’s how I see it. You are scared to trust her.” I had to catch my breath from yelling to him. I could see by the look on his face he was surprised to see me react this way. It pleased him in a twisted kind of way.

 

“Look… I’m sorry if I’m yelling but… listen to her. Be there for her. Try to understand her. She’s going to need you.” Okay, now I said too much. Franks expression changed and I could see he had it all figured out, or so I thought.

 

“Okay, that’s it. You come back inside and you and Marlena can explain to me what the hell this all is about. I won’t take this crap anymore.”

 

He grabbed my arm and guided me to the house. My first reaction was to jerk my arm free and split, but I couldn’t. this man was about to find out the truth and I couldn’t let Marlena face it alone.

 

He shoved me in the kitchen and I saw Marlena sitting there, stunned. She looked at me as if she saw a ghost. I didn’t know if that look was because she thought I had long gone and still was there or if she knew or felt the truth was bound to come out.

 

We sat down at the kitchen table and we stared at each other. Frank stared in turns at Marlena and me. I tried to comfort her with the look in my eyes but she looked so terribly scared.

 

“So, which one of you is going tom tell me the truth?” frank demanded more than asking. I still looked at Marlena, somehow the scared look on her face had nothing to do with being scared of her dad. If anything I had the feeling she hardly knew we were there. Something was wrong… dead wrong.

 

“Marlena? What’s the matter?” I flew to her where she was sitting and laid my arm around her shoulder. Frank didn’t move, he too saw something was terribly wrong.

 

“Marlena? Talk to me sweetheart.” She didn’t speak but tears rolled down on her pale cheeks and her hands were clamped in fists in her lap. I reached to hold her hands when I felt the sticky moisture on her skirt. Blood.

 

“Oh my God! Frank get the car! NOW!” Frank knocked his chair over trying to stand up.

 

“What’s wrong with her? Did she cut herself?” I looked at him, a little puzzled. Then it occurred to me, she never told them she was pregnant.

 

“No Frank, it’s worse. Now get the damn car!” Frank didn’t waste another second and did as I told him. I scooped Marlena up in my arms and ran to the car. Marlena still didn’t make a single sound, the tears were the only evidence of the anguish she was in. We drove to the hospital like crazy where they immediately took her over from me and rushed her to the emergency room. I was pacing up and down the hall when I noticed Frank sitting there, motionless. I walked up to him, I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind. I sat down next to him.

 

“frank? You okay?” the man looked up at me, I could see the worry in his eyes, his mind was racing to comprehend this all.

 

“What happened? What is wrong with her?”

 

He looked at me and he seemed so helpless. For the first time since I met him he had let his guard down. The wall around him was crumbled.

 

“I’m sorry Frank, we should have told you sooner. Mar is pregnant. I think she might have lost the baby.” The second I said that it also sank in with me. She probably lost the baby. My heart broke.

 

Frank looked at me dazzled. I could see he had a million questions but didn’t know which to ask first and how to form the words to ask them but before he could collect his thought or I mine, the door of the emergency room flew open and a nurse came towards us.

 

“How is she? Can we see her?” I ambushed her. Frank stood behind me and still was speechless.

 

“I’m sorry but no, they are still working on her.” That wasn’t good enough for me. This nurse knew more and I wanted to know what.

 

“What are they doing? What’s wrong with her? Did she loose the baby?”

 

the nurse looked at me with a compassionate look upon her face and nodded.

 

“Yes, I’m sorry, she lost the baby. She lost a great deal of blood so you can’t see her for a while, not until they have stopped the bleeding.” Now I was the speechless one. I sat down again, burying my face in my hands, fighting the tears. Frank was thrown back to reality and began to interrogate the nurse.

 

“She will be fine though right? They can stop the bleeding no?”

 

“Yes sir, they can. She will be weak for a few days, but after that she will be fine. We just have to pray she won’t get an infection. If that happens, everything is possible.”

 

My world caved in. I felt as if it was my baby she lost, our baby. I loved her as if she was mine, and now she was laying on the surgery table and our baby was dead. Dead. I couldn’t believe it. I felt responsible in a way. I felt it was my fault cause the animosity between me and her dad had put her under great amounts of stress. If only I had given her the courage to face her family alone. To have told them the truth. The father of her baby had left her. If only I had butt out.

 

It felt like we had waited for hours in that cold decorated waiting room before a doctor came to us to tell we could see her. Martha had come to the hospital too in the meantime. Frank and Martha both looked ten years older in a matter of moments. They should have trusted their daughter more but Marlena should have trusted in the love her parents felt for her.

 

I let them see Marlena first, I was scared to go in there, scared of my own feelings, scared of how I would react, afraid to cry. After fifteen minutes they came out and told me to get in. Martha saw the fear in my eyes.

 

“Don’t worry John, she’s weak but she will be fine. She’s only half awake now so try not to upset her okay? She needs total rest now.” Gently she pushed me towards the door.

 

I went in and saw a pale angel lying in that big bed. She looked so small in it, so fragile. I sat down on the chair next to her bed and held her hand. It felt so cold. Her skin was almost transparent, all the blood had drained out. I thought she was asleep but I saw a sole tear escaping her eye. I wiped it away. Slowly she opened her eyes and she looked at me with teary, bloodshed eyes. It was strange to see her eyes so red in that pale, ghostly face.

 

“I lost my baby.” She whispered.

 

“I know, I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t fight my own tears any longer, they were running freely down my cheeks. I kissed her hand. We both didn’t say more. There was no need to say more. How do you mend a broken mother heart?

 

After a while I could hear by the rhythm of her breath she was asleep. I laid my head on the bed, refusing to let her hand go and shut my eyes too. Sleep couldn’t catch me, not now, not for a long time. All sorts of thoughts raced through my mind. I had to stay and help her through this ordeal. I was torn, I wanted to stay by her side forever but I knew I couldn’t. first of all there was Kristen I had to deal with and second, Marlena thought of me as a great guy who had helped her out, nothing more. My heart said she felt the same for me as I did for her but my mind told me that was wishful thinking. I decided to take it day by day, hour by hour, there was no way I would let her suffer alone. I would go as soon as I was convinced she could deal with her life herself. As soon as she didn’t need me anymore.

It was a few hours later when she was asleep so I left her room for a while to see how her parents were doing. Her mom looked as if she was on another planet, in total shock. Her dad couldn’t understand it all either, but that was understandable, everything had happened so fast it was hard to get a grip of things. I sat down besides her mom and laid my arm around her shoulders, a poor attempt to comfort her. How could I do that when I felt like my world had crashed too?

 

“I’m so sorry ma’am.” Was all I could say. She turned her head towards me and looked at me with big teary eyes that almost broke my heart, almost cause my heart already was broken.

 

She took my hand and squeezed in it.

“I’m sorry too, it’s your loss too.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. Was this the moment to tell them the baby she had carried wasn’t mine? I didn’t have to figure that out. Frank came to sit with us and his expression was compassionate but also determent to find out the truth.

 

“The baby wasn’t yours, was it?” he asked me softly. Martha looked surprised at me and frank in turns.

 

“No it wasn’t” I let my head fall and looked at the floor. I couldn’t bare to look these two loving parents in the eyes after lying to them about something as significant as this.

 

Frank placed his hand on mine and Martha’s.

“It’s okay son, I think I understand. She was afraid to face us coming home pregnant and alone, wasn’t she?”

 

I lifted my head up and saw understanding in his eyes. “Yes she was, very much so.”

 

“God, I could hit myself in the face. I gave her the feeling she couldn’t face me like that. It must have put her under so much pressure. Maybe it’s even the reason she lost that baby.”

 

“No. don’t blame yourself for that. Maybe this baby was just not meant to be. There could be a million reasons why she lost it. Don’t beat yourself up over it. We might never find out the why’s or what if’s.”

 

Martha hadn’t said a word the whole time, she was struggling to keep up. Frank had his reservations about me all along but she had believed it all and had welcomed me as a real member of her family.

 

“Miss Evans, are you okay?” I asked.

 

“Uh what? Yes, yes I am. Please call me Martha.”

 

“Okay Martha it is. Can I get you anything? Some coffee maybe?”

 

“No, I would like some answers though. Like where did she find you? How did you get involved in all of this?”

 

I knew this question and many more would come so I decided to tell them all, right from the beginning. Much to my surprise they were very understanding. I had more trouble to make them realise this wasn’t their fault, her loosing the baby. Just when I had the feeling I had convinced them we were rudely interrupted when the doors flew open and an angry young man came in.

 

“Where is she?” he demanded. I immediately understood damn well he was looking for Marlena for whatever reason.

 

“Who? And who are you?” I demanded in reply. I couldn’t help it, I already disliked the guy.

 

“Marlena, where’s she?”

 

“You didn’t answer my question, who wants to know?”

 

“I’m Roman Brady, who the hell are you?”

 

“You can’t see her now, she’s asleep.” I said a bit calmer. Marlena never had told me who the father of the baby was but I had a gut feeling I had just met him. It made me dislike him even more, this was the same guy that dumped her. Much to my surprise her parents liked him, I was blown over when Frank patted his shoulder and talked to him as if he was a long lost son or something. He explained to Roman what had happened and although they must have known he was the one abandoning their daughter, they were all compassion towards him now. Later they would say they did that cause no matter what he had done, he had lost his baby too. Yeah the child he never wanted to exist in the first place. I was baffled about their reaction but it became worse. They agreed to let him see her.

 

“Oh no you don’t. you won’t get near that room if I can help it.”

 

He looked at me with arrogance and tried to get past me. Frank too objected to my refusal but I wouldn’t let it happen.

 

“Let me talk to her first. She will tell if she wants to see you or not. To me it is perfectly understandable if she doesn’t.” I didn’t await an answer and went into her room myself, leaving them behind surprised. I didn’t like the scene I saw in the room. Marlena had woken up from all the commotion in the hallway and tried to get out of bed, she saw as white as a ghost. I was just in time to catch her when her legs refused to serve her. I gently laid her back down on the bed and made sure she was okay. In her attempts to stand up she had thrown over the IV pole but when I placed it back upright again it was still dripping.

 

“Hey pretty lady no more stunts for you anymore okay? You just lay perfectly still in this bed until you gained some strength again.” She gave me a weak smile, telling me she couldn’t get up even if she wanted to.

 

“What’s going on back there? So much noise.” She whispered. She was so pale, so fragile.

 

“There’s someone here to see you but I wanted to make sure you were up for it, IF you want to talk to him that is.”

 

“Roman?” she guessed. I didn’t like what I saw in her eyes. A second ago they were dull and now a sparkle was back in them. I should have been exited about it cause it was a good sign but now it made my heart sank. After all he had done to her and put her through she was happy he had come to her. I have to admit there are some things about women I’ll never understand.

 

“Yes, it’s Roman.” I confirmed.

 

“I do want to see him.” She smiled.

 

“Are you sure? I mean the man dumped you the minute he found out you were pregnant and now he wants to see you again?”

 

“Maybe he regrets it now. Maybe loosing this baby made him open his eyes.”

 

“Yeah maybe.” I agreed reluctantly, “I will sent him in, are you up to it now? I can ask him to come back in a few days if you want?” Okay maybe I sounded a bit too desperate but if I did she obviously hadn’t noticed.

 

“No I want to see him now please.”

 

“Okay.” I got up and went to get him. In the doorway I turned around and looked at her. She tried to sit up a bit and she even gained some color on her cheeks. I turned again and closed the door behind me. Roman was right there waiting me up, I could feel his hot breath in my neck.

 

“Well Johnny boy? Does she want to see me?” he asked with a smock on his face. I could tell by his reaction and his air he had heard every word we said. I only nodded and walked away. I excused myself with her parents and went to my car. My first reaction was to drive to the house and get my things and disappear but I didn’t. I couldn’t leave her just yet. Okay I felt like I wasn’t needed anymore but I wanted to make sure. I sat in my car for a while before indeed driving back to the house.

While driving back to the house, my mind was working overtime. All kinds of thoughts about what was going on right now at the hospital were passing through.

 

I had a decision to make. I wanted to stay with her until she could cope with the loss of her baby, but now with Roman’s return, I felt like a third wheel.

 

I was surprised to see her reaction about him coming back. I would have thought she’d never wanted to see the guy ever again but instead she welcomed him with open arms. Her eyes told me she still loved the man, all of the sudden him leaving her was not a matter anymore. My heart was ripped open once again.

 

Back at the house I stayed in my car for a while before getting inside. I walked up to my… our room, sat on the bed, thinking about the next logical step to take. I made the decision to go back to the hospital a little later and ask Marlena what she wanted. Her parents would have told her they knew everything for sure now which really left me with no reason to stay.

 

Then I asked myself the next question, where do I go from here? Back to Kristen? How could I stay in a loveless marriage, especially after all of this? That was one of many things Marlena had showed me, what real love was all about. It was strange, in the little time we had together she had opened my eyes. She had showed me what love was about. Before meeting her I had never believed in love at first sight. Kristen was just something that happened along the way really. I was feeling sorry for her, I guess, she too deserved so much more.

 

The time we met was all wrong. I knew I had to leave for war when I saw her. I think she fell in love with me at first sight; I just was flattered to be adored by her. The only reason that I had married her was because I had felt lonely long enough for my likes and I thought it was nice to have someone waiting for you at home. Sure I loved her in a way, but just not the way you’re supposed to love your wife. Now I regretted that choice and not only for Kristen, but for myself.

 

I didn’t even realize how much time had passed until I looked outside, the darkness swallowing the world whole. I went to the kitchen for a quick bite and went back to the hospital, nervous to see what had been going on there. I just hoped one thing; that if Marlena had let him back in her life, in her heart, he would be there for her, caring for her, just loving her. She needed a lot of comforting and if it couldn’t be me giving it to her, I at least hoped he would. I parked my car and walked inside the hospital and just when I came out of the elevators I ran into Frank and Martha.

 

“Oh, hi, how’s she doing?” I asked without really looking at them.

 

“She’s okay physically, but you know… the rest will take some time,” Martha whispered.

 

“Yeah I know, and,” I paused for a moment, not sure how to put it, “what about Roman? Is he still with her?” I held my breath waiting for the answer.

 

“No, he had to go back and do his rounds. She’s sleeping now so we are going home, we will be here again first thing in the morning.”

 

I exhaled in relief hearing he was gone.

 

“Are you coming with us? You look like you could use some rest too.”

 

“No thanks, I’m going to stay here with her. Just in case she needs me you know.” I gave them a slight smile, they too knew how much I loved her already.

 

“Okay, just make sure you get some sleep, we will see you tomorrow.” Frank slapped me on the shoulder.

 

“Oh and son…” Frank had turned around while walking away, “Thanks for everything you did for our daughter, we appreciate it.”

 

Great, I thought, now that I had lost her to Roman, I had their approval and blessing, just great. It was a little too late.

 

I nodded and continued walking to her room. Slowly I opened the door, seeing her sleep peacefully. I couldn’t help but smile. I pulled up a chair next to her bed and sat down, unable to take my eyes off of her. She appeared to be sleeping peacefully but a closer look informed me on how restless she actually was, her eyes squinting and soft cries escaping those full soft lips. She was having a nightmare; I knew too well what that was like. Ever since I went to war I didn’t know a good nights rest. Visions of dying and screaming people tormenting me in my sleep.

 

I could swear she calmed down a little when I reached to hold her hand. Softly I squeezed it, not wanting to wake her up but wanting to let her know I was there for her if and when she needed me. It felt good thinking that made her calm a little, but that feeling quickly disappeared by the thought that maybe she was dreaming of Roman holding her hand. I withdrew my hand as if I had burned it. She reacted too, she cried out in her sleep and my heart made a loop.

 

“John, no! Don’t go, I need…” The rest of that sentence faded in the air.

 

I quickly stood up and moved on the bed so I could hold her in my arms, not sure if I should wake her. The desperation in her moans, made me realize what I had I do and I shook her gently.

 

“Marlena? Wake up sweetheart.”

 

Slowly she opened her eyes. She was first confused by her surroundings, then a little more at ease to see me there. However, it was when reality sank in again that she tensed up and tears were coming fast from her eyes again.

 

“I lost my baby, I really lost my baby,” she sobbed.

 

She looked at me with eyes begging me to tell her different but I couldn’t.

 

“Yes you did, sweetheart.”

 

She clung on to me and began to cry out loud. All I could do was hold her, trying to comfort her. She felt so warm, so right in my arms that I just wished I had the means or the words to make all her nightmares just go away. I kissed her on top of her head and she lifted it to look at me, her eyes filled with sadness but a look of trust so obviously there.

 

“Why did I have to loose my baby? It’s my entire fault you know. It must have felt it wasn’t very welcome at first. But I did love it John, I did love it…” With big teary eyes she tried to convince me.

 

“I know sweetheart, I know. Don’t blame yourself okay, try not to blame yourself. This is some kind of twisted thing of God, it just can’t be explained.”

 

In her eyes I could see she accepted that, or at least tried to. She gave me a faint smile.

 

“You’re so good to me. Where did you go earlier? I missed you.”

 

That comment made my heart skip a few beats.

 

“I was at your parent’s house. I didn’t feel I was needed since Roman was here to comfort you.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes or she would have seen how miserable I felt about Roman’s return.

 

She cupped my chin in her hand and made me look at her. I gave her a shy grin, I didn’t know what else to do.

 

“Don’t you ever think I would push you aside for him, okay?”

 

That was good to hear but it made me feel like a little boy that was reprimanded.

“Well, to be honest I couldn’t help it. I saw the look in your eyes when you he came in and I knew he’s the one you love and need, so…”

 

“No. you’ve got it all wrong. Sure I still have some feelings for him, how could I not? I thought he was my one, true love. But do you really think I would let him back in my life that easy after what he did to me?” She looked at me for a second and continued when I didn’t reply. “Well I’m sure as hell not planning on that. Yes I was glad to see him, but only because it was his child too. I was glad to see that although he didn’t want this baby, he was hurt too when he found out I had lost it.”

 

Tears were falling again and this time I couldn’t clear them away, I felt like such a jerk making her explain herself to me when she really didn’t had to.

 

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” I held her tightly against my chest, making her feel my love for her.

 

“Don’t be sorry, it’s just … I didn’t know if you were coming back or not. I couldn’t deal with you leaving me too.”

 

“I’ll be here for you as long as you want me too, and beyond that if I have a say in it.”

 

She looked at me again, with big hopeful eyes.

 

“You mean?”

 

“Yes I mean I will stay with you for as long as you let me. I love you Marlena.”

 

She gave me a big smile through her tears and clung onto me again.

 

“Just say the word and I will stay with you for eternity.”

 

“But what about Roman? Or worse, what about Kristen, have you forgotten you’re married?”

 

“No, of course I haven’t. Let me deal with Kristen. What about Roman? I hate to ask you this now but does he have a chance on winning you back? I mean he seemed pretty sure of that.”

 

“No, he has hurt me too much to have a life with him again. I will never be able to trust him. Besides, I love you far more than I ever did love him.”

 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Just a few lousy minutes ago I thought she would be out of my life forever and now …

 

“Glad to hear that, now get some rest so I can take you home as soon as possible.”

 

She lay back down on the bed and was still as pale as a ghost but the sparkle was back in her eyes and that was a good sign.

 

“Take me home now please.”

 

“No can’t do, I want the doctors approval first.”

 

“Well go and ask him, I’m sure I will feel much better when I’m home in my own bed.”

 

“Okay I will ask but in the meantime you try to get some sleep okay?”

 

With a grin she nodded and I went to ask the doctor if I could take her home already. He saw no reason not to agree as long as I promised to make sure she would get plenty of rest. There being a shortage of hospital beds at the time was a good reason to let her go I think. I didn’t question him, I was glad to take her home. We still had her parent’s bedroom because her mom was sure she would be much more comfortable in that bed than in her own or so I could stay with her, the bed in the guestroom. Her dad didn’t look happy at the foresight he had to sleep in the guestroom again but for his daughter he would do anything.

 

When I had taken her home, I made sure she didn’t need anything. All I wanted was to see and hear her laughter again. Her mom was running in and out as well so that didn’t leave much time for us to talk, but when the night fell we were finally alone.

 

“It’s been quite a hectic day,” I said when I had undressed myself and slipped into bed. I dimmed the lights and gathered her in my arms. She snuggled closer to me.

 

“Yes the last few days have gone by so fast it seems a dream. A nightmare, actually.” The fact of loosing her baby resurfaced and she tensed up again.

 

“Yes a nightmare. I promise you will feel better soon.” I kissed her softly and looked her in the eyes with enough confidence for the two of us. She didn’t have to say it but I could see she was depending on me to help her deal with it.

 

“I don’t want to upset you anymore than you already are but what did Roman have to say about this all?”

 

“Well… he said he was sorry for the way he abandoned me. He said he should’ve never done that and apologized over and over. He also said he only found out about how he really felt about this baby when he heard I had lost it.”

 

“How did you feel, hearing him say that?”

 

“To be honest, I felt sorry for him but was a little mad too. I mean… how can I know for sure he’s not lying just to make me feel better? If it took me loosing the baby for him to find out he did love this child… well, in my opinion he never loved it at all. What kind of father would he be if he can’t love the child until it’s too late?”

 

“Yeah I know what you mean. The feeling I got from him was that he found it convenient that there was no child anymore so he could go back to the relationship you and he had before you got pregnant. I felt like he thought the child was just an obstacle, an inconvenience.”

 

“I think so too, that’s not love. Too be honest, I was glad he came to me today. I must admit at first I felt the love I had for him resurface.”

 

“I hear a but coming?”

 

“But… that feeling ebbed away and was replaced by the thought of you.” She smiled, it was the warmest smile I ever saw. “I knew the kind of love he gave me wasn’t love. I should have known it before when he never wanted me to tell anyone about our relationship. I found it odd but I never questioned it. I thought it had to do with us working at the same hospital, he was up for a promotion and I thought he didn’t want to jeopardize it by having a relation with someone at work. Now I think I just wasn’t the only one.” She looked up at me and I could see the pain evident in her eyes, he had hurt her bad. “I’m so grateful I threw up on you on the train. It must have been an omen because ever since you kept popping up when I thought I’d never see you again.”

 

She laughed out loud a little, it caused her pain to do that, but it was great to hear her laughter.

 

“Well lady, you can throw up on me any time.”

 

I gave her a wink and she snuggled closer to me. Slowly her eyes shut and she drifted away to a peaceful sleep. I stayed awake most of the night, just holding her, looking at her. I couldn’t risk sleeping now because there was no way I wanted to have the same old nightmares tonight. I just wanted to be there for her, not being caught up by my own nightmares, my memories of war, hunting me, tormenting me. For the first time in long time, I had the confidence that everything would be okay, the future would be perfect as soon as we both were healed.

I wish that night could have lasted an eternity. Everything seemed so right. Just as well neither of us knew how bad things would become in a matter of days. I made sure she didn’t lift a finger. All I wanted her to do was rest. We spent our days walking and sitting on the porch talking for hours on end. What did we talk about? Everything and yet nothing at all. I felt as if I had known her all my life; as if I had been waiting for her all my life. I was still struggling with the nightmares I had ever since the war but I did my best to hide them from her. She already had enough to deal with. As for me, it was good to focus on her and her recovery and try to forget about my own skeletons. One night we were sitting on the porch alone, silently looking at the stars when she asked me about the nightmares.

 

“When are you going to tell me?” she broke the silence between us.

 

“Tell you what, honey?” One look at her and I knew she was referring to the one thing I tried to keep from her.

 

“You know what John.” She stared at me, daring me to lie. There was no way for me to hold it back any longer. “Your nightmares. Did you really think I hadn’t noticed? I just hoped you would come to me and open up to me. It is obviously very painful for you.”

 

I sighed, looked at her and then glanced up at the stars, before I started with the excuses. “I didn’t want to worry you Doc. You have enough to deal with, I just thought you didn’t need me to add to it.”

 

“Rubbish John, you know you could never bother me with anything. I just want to know what is going on inside of you. I know you have tried your best to take care of me. Your presence alone is help and comfort enough. Please tell me what the nightmares are about, I want to be there for you, just as you are for me.”

 

I saw the determined look upon her face. She meant every word she uttered and I never doubted that. I just really didn’t want to worry her with it. It was obvious however, that my silence only added to her burden. I gave in and let her in on my deepest darkest secret… my deepest pain.

“It’s the war,” I whispered. I felt her hands squeezing mine and she shifted a bit so she was closer to me. She was waiting for me to continue, I knew she would just listen and let me talk. She knew exactly what I needed and she gave it to me. She was either too wise for her own good, or she just knew me too well. All I needed was someone to listen. Not just anyone. It had to be her.

“During the day I’m okay. It’s the nights that haunt me. Every time I close my eyes and drift off I see these images flashing before me. Images of people being tortured… dying.” She still didn’t utter a word, but I could tell it was getting to her as I heard her sharp intake of breath. “It’s unbelievable to see what war can do to a person Doc, I’ve seen some of my closest friends turn from a good person into a person you only see in horror movies. I can remember the first time I had to shoot someone. I just had to. There was no other choice. It was either kill, or be killed. The first one you kill, you never forget. It seems to get easier corpse by corpse. You have to be able to distance yourself in order to do it. It is only now that the war is over, that they come back to haunt you, one after another. I’m seeing their big eyes asking me why.”

 

I had no idea that tears were cascading down my cheeks until I felt her hand brushing them away gently. She still didn’t say a word and that gave me the courage to go on. “Some guys I thought I knew even became rapists. I had to fight the urge to shoot them on the spot. War is just so unfair, it brings out the worst in people. It’s hard to stay sane after seeing what we saw. The first few weeks are the worst, after that, if you survive that, it seems to get easier but it’s really not. You just shut off your feelings and try to be numb. If you can’t do that you will go insane, believe me I’ve seen it happen many times. But even if you do it will catch up with you eventually. After the war was over, we all partied and were glad we could go home but on the way back on the ship there were guys that took their own life. They could not live with themselves let alone prospect of living the rest of their lives with the knowledge of all they had done and all they had seen.”

It was my turn to wipe a few of her tears away, she didn’t make a sound but the tears were glistering in the night.

“You want me to continue? It must be awful to hear it all.”

 

“No, please continue. It’s hard to hear but it must have been hell to live it. Go on please,” she whispered.

 

“Okay.” I kissed her on the top of her head and paused before continuing. Inhaling her scent and allowing it to wash over me, was all I could do to keep from going over the edge. It somehow brought me back to reality. I was no longer at war. I was here, with her. Life will go on. It must.

“The most awful thing about this war was that there were no winners, only losers.

The governments were at war, but it was the innocent people that had to pay with their lives. Who can ever understand a war? Even soldiers are innocent. They do what they are ordered to do but in the end all they are trying to do is to survive. We didn’t want to kill anyone and I’m sure the Vietcong felt the same. I saw the hate for us in their eyes but when at gunpoint their eyes pleaded for their lives. They didn’t want to be there anymore than we did.”

 

I cleared my throat as my emotions were getting the best of me. She buried her face deeper into my chest trying not to let me see how much she was hurt by all of this.

“One night we got orders to invade and take out a small village. We were told that it was a base of the Vietcong. We surrounded the place and started to put the sheds on fire, others were firing a few rounds of bullets at the sheds. We stopped and froze when we heard the cries of children.”

There was a huge lump in my throat and I didn’t know if I could or should continue until she looked at me and squeezed my hand, telling me it was okay, and to let it all out. Tears were running faster and freely over both of our faces when I did.

“It was so goddamn awful! Children were coming from the sheds burning, running in their attempts to put the fire out. It only burnt them more. We were frozen on the spot. I thought my heart would stop at the sight of so many innocent little children fighting for their lives. At least 12 of them died in the fires including another dozen from the bullets penetrating the sheds. A few women and children survived and we tried to do everything we possibly could for them. There was little we could do. They didn’t want our help, they were terrified of us and who could blame them? I felt sick looking at them, knowing what we did to them. It’s awful to say but I honestly believe they would had been better of if they had died too. Now they have to live the rest of their life with that nightmare.”

 

I stopped talking because my voice cracked up. I was so overcome by emotions, reliving it, I couldn’t talk. I didn’t want to talk anymore, only cry. We held each other close and I remember thinking what an amazing lady she was because I thought she would be disgusted with me for sure, knowing what I had done. In a way it felt good to be able to talk to her about it, I just felt bad to lay all this on her. I know it wasn’t what she had expected. She knew it would be about the war but who can ever dream this possible? We all know people die in war and think of them as mere casualties. It is always brushed off as if it just a part of life . No one thinks about all that really happens. As long as it is far from home it is okay. For me however, this was no okay. It may have been far from home, geographically but in my heart it hit right at home and hurt me to no end. This war was now being waged inside me, right before my eyes even after the fact.

 

When I regained some control over my emotions again I continued.

“It’s that what I see every night Doc, when I close my eyes. I’m afraid to go to sleep. All I think about before I fall asleep is you, hoping I will dream of you, I want to dream of you but the dream always turns into a nightmare. I guess it’s the price I have to pay for doing what I did.”

 

This was the moment she spoke. She looked at me, her eyes full of compassion but anger too. “No John. You don’t have to pay for what you did. First of all you’ve paid enough. Second, you didn’t have to pay for anything. It wasn’t your fault. You were doing what you were told. Like you said, it was kill or be killed. I, for one am glad you chose the first option.”

 

“I know Doc, I know you are right. But explain that to those kids. Not only the kids Doc, look at all the family’s that have lost a loved one. Look at all the soldiers that came home in a body bag.”

 

“I know John, there’s no way they could ever get over that. But it’s not your fault. If anyone is to blame it’s the governments of BOTH countries, not the soldiers. I’m glad you told me all this and I’m sure there’s much more to tell, I hope you will confide in me one day . I want to help you give it a place in your life. You can never get over it, let alone forget it, but you can learn to live with it. And you will John Black because I will not learn to live without you. Let me help you john. Talk to me. Don’t hesitate or try to protect my feelings. When you feel you need to talk, come to me.” She looked at me with all the love showing in her eyes. “Please.”

 

“I will,” I whispered. “Thank you so much lady, you have no idea what this… what you mean to me.”

 

“I bet I can guess,” she said smiling slightly. I leaned in to kiss her. I really had hit the jackpot by finding this amazing lady.

After our talk on the porch that night we were both emotionally drained and fell asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow. The next morning after breakfast I was wandering through the vast garden, thinking. She had been aware of the fact that I was rather quiet at breakfast and gave me some time alone before joining me in the garden.

 

“John?” she almost whispered.

 

I was startled a little, her voice bringing me back out of my thoughts.

“Hey there pretty lady,” I smiled.

 

“You’ve been awfully quiet, care to fill me in?”

 

“Can’t hide anything from you now can I?” I put my arm around her and kissed her softly.

 

“I hope not,” she grinned.

 

“I’ve been thinking. I have to go for a few days.” I looked at her to see her reaction and just as I thought, she looked surprised, confused and worried.

 

“Why? Where are you going?” she questioned with deceptive calmness.

 

“Kristen. That’s why. I still have to annul my marriage to her. It is a mere formality but it’s something that has to be done. When the time comes that we will plan our future together, I want to make sure nothing stands in our way. She is the only thing I have to take care of, the only thing that stands in our way. So I really need to go for a few days and have it annulled.”

 

“I can understand that but what if she won’t let you go? Then what?” her fear was almost palpable.

 

“She has no choice. I don’t think she will give us any trouble but even if she does it doesn’t matter. I will take her to court and she won’t have anything to stand on. We got married the day before I went to war, I was away for four years. There’s no court that will say we had a real marriage. Like I said, this is just a formality, sweetheart.”

 

“Hmm, I do hope you are right but somehow I don’t feel good about this. Let me come with you.” she looked at me, pleading with me… those amber eyes sparkled with hope, I could never deny her a thing but this time I had to disappoint her.

 

“No can do. For one, you need to rest still, furthermore, it’s better if I deal with Kristen by myself. If I can have a talk with her things can be taken care of in no time but if she sees you she might show her true colours and get difficult. Let me handle this, I will be back in two days, three tops.” I smiled at her reassuringly, hoping she would understand and do as I said.

 

“I don’t like it, but if you think that’s the best way to handle it… handle her, okay I will stay here and wait for you.”

 

I pulled her in for a hug, inhaling deeply; letting the scent of her perfume pervade my senses. I was going to miss her more than she ever could imagine, even if it was only for a day or two.

 

“When do you plan to go?”

 

“Today, this morning. In fact right now. I promised myself to go after I had talked to you. I’d better pack and leave as soon as possible. I want it to be over with. And when I return I promise I will never leave you for more than a few hours again.” I winked at her. That was an easy promise to make, I already couldn’t stand the thought of being away from her for more than a few minutes. I couldn’t wait to start a life with her. I was planning on buying her an engagement ring on my way back from Kristen’s.

 

“I still don’t like it much, but we better get it over with. I will help you pack.”

 

Silently we walked back into the house to pack my things.

Just one hour later we had said our goodbyes and off I went. Frank had insisted that I take his car so I wouldn’t have to take the train but the fact was that I really wanted to take the train. It was the place where I had met her. I always disliked the smell and the humidity in the railway wagons but the sweet memory of the first time we met was more powerful than my disgust for trains. I had to grin at the memory of her throwing up on me. It wasn’t the way you’d dream you meet your loved one but I didn’t care. I would have taken anything as long as I ended up with her. Sitting in the overcrowded train made me wish I did take his car but it was for a good cause, so I just sat tight and tried to get lost in memories of meeting that amazing lady.

 

When I got off the train I looked around, what once seemed like such familiar surroundings now looked strange to me. I went to Kristen’s house right away but before I could knock I was surprised by the images before me when I looked through the window. There she was, in plane sight, having sex with another man. I gasped and walked away. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I don’t know what was more appalling, seeing her with another man behind my back, though I had done the same, or the fact she was having sex in plain sight, for everybody to see. I figured this wasn’t the best time for me to knock on her door and barge in so I turned around and walked away again. I rented a room in the nearest Inn and went to the bar for a drink. Time passed swiftly and soon it became dark. I decided to wait until the next morning before going over to Kristen’s again.

 

After a long, almost sleepless night I woke up sore. The bed had been a nightmare to sleep in and I missed Marlena terribly. I wanted things to be over as soon as possible so I decided to go to the courthouse first to get the annulment papers.

A few hours later I arrived at Kristen’s front door. I hesitated for a bit before knocking. Marlena had been right, I too didn’t have a good feeling about it but I couldn’t figure out why, it wasn’t just because I had caught Kristen with that man. It was only a good sign she had moved on too. I knocked on the door and was startled when it flew open in a matter of seconds.

 

“John! What on earth are you doing here?” Kristen exclaimed.

 

“Hi Kristen, can I come in?” I asked while looking behind her.

 

“Um, sure.”

 

Somehow I got the feeling I was intruding.

 

“So again, what brings you here?” she repeated, her hands on her hips.

 

It was only then that I saw how much she had changed. The Kristen I knew always tried to look like a classy lady, but this woman I saw before me now was nothing like her. She was all dishevelled, clad in what looked like rags and had the breath of a drunken sailor.

 

I remained silent for a few seconds, I had to regain my composure.

“Um, well I came to get our marriage annulled and I thought it would only be fair if I told you in person and not just send you the papers to sign.” The words floated out of my mouth before I realized it, all I could do was look her up, I couldn’t believe this was the same woman I left weeks ago.

 

“Annulment? You want an annulment?”

 

“Yes, I want to move on with my life and by the looks of you, you are just doing that too?” I still couldn’t get over the fact of how she had changed.

 

“And what do you mean by wanting to move on? Are you saying there is another woman in your life?”

 

“Yes there is Kristen, not that it should concern you but yes there is.”

 

“Well isn’t that just dandy? And you expect me to cooperate? To just sign and handover the papers?”

 

“You have no choice Kristen, just sign the damn papers.” I handed her the papers.

 

“And why would she want to do that John?” a very distinctive voice came from behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. This voice could not be forgotten. I had only heard it once before, just before we got married, but this threatening tone I would never forget.

 

“Well good day to you too Stefano,” I said while turning around, looking him in the eye. His threats, before I married his daughter were still fresh in my mind but the strength I got from Marlena’s love helped me face the man.

 

“Why would she John?” he repeated.

 

“She has no other choice, Stefano and you know it.”

 

“And why is that? Do you think because of the way you left her here? Or because you have found someone new obviously? Have you taken a good look at her, John?”

 

“Yes I have and I must say she has… changed quite a bit.”

 

“All because of you, John. For four years she was waiting patiently for you to come back from war, four years John!! The minute you come back you tell her she isn’t going to cut it for you and you leave her. Didn’t I make myself clear when I told you what I would do to you if you ever had the nerve to break her heart?”

 

“Now you listen to me Dimera! She is not the saint you make her out to be! She waited for me for four years??? My ass!! Marrying her was the biggest mistake of my life and yes, I regret that very much. I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t think she cares that much. Apparently she has already moved on too.” I looked at Kristen and by the way she turned her head away from me I knew she knew what I was talking about. I looked back at Stefano and I could almost swear I saw smoke coming out of his ears.

 

“I warned you John, never to break her heart! Now you have to live with the consequences.”

 

“Oh give it up already Dimera, she has moved on, I have moved on and that she looks and smells like a bar isn’t my fault. You better go chase that boyfriend of hers, he’s the one that took such great care of her for over four years.” Again I looked at Kristen and one look gave me the answer I wanted, I was right, last night wasn’t the first time she had been having sex with the man, she obviously had a relationship with him for a long time now. I didn’t care, it made me all the more determined to serve her with the papers.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Do I have to spell it out for you? She too has another, can’t you get that through that thick head of yours? She doesn’t want to be around me anymore than I want her.”

 

“That’s not true John, I still love you,” Kristen almost whispered.

 

“You don’t even know the true meaning of love woman!” I was losing my patience fast now.

 

“Okay, I will sign the damn papers, but I do want you to know I will do it for one reason and one reason only… only because you want me to.”

 

I knew she was trying to play on my guilt but it didn’t work, I was fed up with her and her father.

 

“I don’t care why you are doing it, as long as you do it.”

 

She signed the papers and threw them back at me.

 

“Make sure to look over your shoulder John, you haven’t seen the last of me yet!”

Stefano yelled when I closed the door on my way out.

I took the first train out of that hellhole. I couldn’t wait to get back with Marlena. I hoped this was the last I had seen of Kristen and her father but I had a feeling it was far from over. At least she had signed the annulment papers so that was one less problem. Nothing was standing in my way to ask the love of my life to marry me. I made one stop on my way home to buy her an engagement ring. I didn’t have much money but I managed to make it something special anyway. All I had to do now was wait for the perfect moment to ask her. It had to be special. In that time it was very common to ask the father for his daughters hand first and I was planning on doing so. Frank would be no problem and I already could see Martha tear up when she heard the news. They were very kind people and although they had some reservations about me at first, they learned to like me over time. It was a nice feeling to belong. I never had a family of my own and it felt great to finally find out what it was about.

 

I just hoped Roman wouldn’t become a problem. After all he had done to Marlena, they still liked the man. Even though Marlena said she didn’t want Roman anymore, and who could blame her after what he did, I still felt insecure when it came to him. There was no doubt in my mind that she loved me and only me but still there was this nagging feeling.

 

Maybe it was just all that happened in a short period of time. A few weeks ago I was on my way to God knows where and now I was planning on asking someone to marry me. It’s all so crazy. When they told us the war was over and we could go home, I had no idea I would end up here. Everything happens for a reason and I held on to the fact that I had gone through so much to find this miracle and happiness on my path.

 

Little did I know of the evil plans Kristen and her father were making right after I left.

 

 

“Damnit Kristen! Why did you sign those papers? Now you don’t have anything to stand on.” Stefano yelled.

 

“What was I supposed to do? Tie him up? Hold him here against his will? He will come back, I know he will. He still loves me and when he gets bored of that bimbo he will come back on his knees, begging me to take him back.” She smirked.

 

“Oh get real will you? The man loathes you that much is sure. He won’t come back, not even if you were the last woman standing.”

 

“Why do you care? You don’t like him anyway, be glad he’s gone. I will wait for him. I love him and he will realise that and come back.”

 

“Indeed I don’t like the guy but I can’t allow anyone hurting my daughter and get away with it. I just won’t have it.”

 

“What can you do about it? He’s gone now. I give him 2 months, he will be back by then and if he’s not, I will go to him.”

 

“Why?” Stefano couldn’t figure out his daughters twisted mind. He knew she had a few serious screws loose but still all he wanted was her happiness. He blamed me for Kristen changing from a sparkling young woman into an old hag smelling and looking like a bar.

 

“Well by then he has had time enough to realise that woman is nothing to him. He will be so glad to see me that he will come back with me. I’m certain of it.”

 

Stefano shook his head about all this ignorance.

“I’ve a better idea. Let me take care of him.”

 

“Why? What are you going to do?”

 

“You’ll see. All in good time. Now start packing, we have a trip to make.”

 

 

A few hours later, armed with flowers and a ring, I walked over the perimeters towards the house again. I had to smile when I saw Marlena in the garden, laying on the grass, relishing in the sunrays. It made her almost glowing, she looked radiant.

 

For a few moments I just stared at her; her beauty.

 

It was as if she could feel I was nearby, all of the sudden she raised her head, shielding her eyes against the bright sun with her hand. The second she saw me her whole face lighted up.

 

“John!” She jumped on her feet and came running towards me.

 

I took her in my arms and hugged her tight, I closed my eyes to just feel her, allowing my nostrils to be filled with her magnificent scent. It was only now that I found out how much I had really missed her. In the past couple of months she had became my heart, my soul, my life.

 

Silently I vowed never to leave her again, not even for a night.

 

“I’m so glad you’re back.” She said when I loosened my firm hold of her.

 

“I’m so glad to be back.” I looked her in her eyes, I could drown in her hazel orbs. To me she was perfect in every way. Her only flaw was her love for me. No one was good enough for her in my opinion, not even me but I would raise heaven and hell to make her happy and keep her safe.

 

“How was your trip? Did she sign?” she softly asked. Her voice was like music in my ears.

 

“Yeah she did.” I smiled. “Though reluctant, but she did.”

 

Her breathtaking smile warmed my heart, this was the beginning of a whole new life, a life with her as the centre of it.

 

“So now about you, what did you do besides laying lazy in the sun?” I grinned.

 

“Nothing much but missing you like crazy. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s true.” Although she smiled, I saw the pain in her eyes, evidence of the amount she had missed me. I didn’t want to see her sad but in a way it was good to see she had missed me as much as I had her.

 

“Oh yes, it’s true, I know all about it too. You can never know how much I missed you. With every little thing I did, I had to think about you. You filled up my thoughts, days and dreams lady so we better make sure never to be apart again.”

 

“I like the way you think. Now let’s go inside, I’m sure mom and dad want to hear all about your trip and will be as pleased to see you again as I am. Well maybe not just as much but still.” A hearty throaty laughter filled the air. ‘And you must be hungry so let me fix you something.”

 

We went inside and found Martha in the kitchen. The second she saw me she came to me to hug me flat. She was such a sweet and warm woman, Marlena and her mom were two of a kind, both amazing ladies. While Marlena and her mom made something to eat I went to the study to see Frank. I couldn’t wait to ask Marlena to marry me, so I wanted to have this conversation with him over with as soon as possible so I could plan my proposal to her. I knew just how to do it but it took some planning.

 

“Hello Frank.” I said after swiftly knocking on the open door of the study.

 

Frank looked up from his papers and smiled at me.

 

“John, good to see you back. My daughter can be one cranky lady if she’s left for a while by her man.” He laughed.

 

“Oh my, was it that bad huh?” I laughed with him.

 

“Well it wasn’t too bad, but yes she missed you terribly and it was obvious. Never do that again you hear?” he teased me.

 

“Well Frank, I wasn’t planning on doing that again and that’s just the reason I wanted to talk to you.”

 

“You know I was just kidding right? I mean you don’t have to be joined to her hip for every second of every day.”

 

“I know Frank, but what if I told you there’s nothing more I want to do than just that? Okay joined at the hip is a bit too much but I really want to be with her as often as possible.”

 

“So what are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying I want to marry her. I want your blessing to ask her to become my wife.”

 

Frank looked at me as if he was stunned but slowly a wide smile appeared on his face.

 

“Well go for it man! Where the heck are you waiting for? Go ask her already! Does she know yet? Did you ask her already?”

 

I had to laugh at his enthusiasm. This couldn’t have went better.

 

“No I haven’t asked her yet. I wanted your and Martha’s blessing first. I have just the idea about how to ask her so please don’t say anything to Marlena yet.”

 

“My lips are sealed. I will tell Martha later today, you go and make your plans. I couldn’t wish for a better husband for my daughter than you, John Black.”

 

“Thanks frank. Now let’s go to the kitchen, our ladies have made yet another delicious meal for us. Can’t let them wait.”