I threw my black leather gloves into my handbag as I came through the front door. I could smell the icing sugar that coated my fingers, the stickiness causing an uncomfortable feeling. I felt so drained… so tired. And again I asked myself why I had been there… why had I woken at Alice’s house, her dead body in front of me. Could I have done it? Could it really have been me? I placed my head in my hands as I sat on the couch, rubbing my temples as I tried to remember… tried to soothe the headache that had persistently bothered me since the Salem Stalker had claimed his first victim.
I picked up the photo of John and my wedding and I could see the love and devotion that we once shared. I found myself again wishing that we were still at that point in our lives… that the unquestioning love was still there. I longed for the days not so long ago, when John had trusted me completely… had trusted his love for me. I longed to feel him beside me, his warm breath on my skin, his lips on mine, his erection inside me. How we always connected when we made love. I wanted so much to feel that way again. But it was impossible now. I didn’t know for sure, but I was beginning to suspect that my recent black-outs had something to do with the murders. Maybe I was the killer.
I was startled and I jumped when he walked through the door. I looked up and drew a shaky breath, trying to calm my nerves. John stood against the door, defeat written in his posture. He was soaked through, his grey coat hanging from his body, the droplets of rain running down his face. Removing his coat, his gaze remained on me… his blue eyes so sad… so penetrating… so probing. I knew that he was searching my eyes for answers to his questions. Now I could see his muscular arms, his tight black t-shirt wet and hugging his taut muscles. I yearned to walk over to him and run my fingers down his chest… I longed to feel him crush my breasts to him. I wanted him to kiss me with reckless abandon. I needed to feel something familiar, yet something wonderful, in my changing and uncertain world. The water cascaded down his beautiful arms. I merely stood, staring at him, my black trench coat still in place from my earlier outing. It seemed so tight all of a sudden, its fitted length almost cutting off my air supply.
He approached me tentatively and finally I recognised the look that was masking his eyes. It was disappointment… and it was suspicion… in me… of me. John knew! He knew that I had been there. No words had been spoken but I knew what he was thinking. Our connection still existed, even though circumstance and mistrust had caused us to lead separate lives. “Marlena… how could you do it?” His tone was strangled and hoarse. I raised my head when I heard him use my full name… seemingly so cold… like he had no feelings for me at all anymore. I felt my heart constrict with an unspeakable pain… which lasted for only a few moments. Then I knew that I would have to put my feelings aside. He no longer loved me… and he would do anything to see justice served… even if that meant sending his own wife to jail. I knew him so well… but I also knew that if only he wasn’t so good, I wouldn’t have to consider what I found myself considering.
I put on my most innocent face, hoping that what love he still had for me would convince him that I was telling the truth. “What are you talking about honey?” I stepped closer towards him… but also closer to my handbag where my weapons were hiding. The revelation hit me… I was the serial killer. The feelings that I had inside me at that very moment proved that without a doubt. “How could you kill her? How could you kill them all? What happened to you?” He reached me in a second and his rough hands grasped my shoulders. He shook me. I found myself wishing that he would kiss me… that this would end in passion. The thoughts were highly unlikely and inappropriate considering what he had just accused me of… but somehow I wanted to savour him… I wanted to feel him inside me one last time before my madness took over. I didn’t want to black out and then wake to find him dead. Then I would never feel his love and his protection ever again.
“Kill? Kill who?” I opened my eyes wide in feigned shock and I placed both of my hands onto his face, forcing him to look me in the eyes. He resisted with all of his strength, but I would not relent. “Baby… you think that I am the serial killer?” My tone was childlike and I pushed my bottom lip out, trembling, as I let the tears well up in my eyes. I could see him soften just for a moment, and I saw his hands move ever so slightly, as if he wanted to lace his fingers through my hair and pull me to him. God how I wished he would. But he stopped before he had even begun, and his eyes became cold again. He grabbed my wrists, squeezing them so tightly… I don’t think he had ever been so rough with me before. It reminded me of the day when I had told him about Kristen… the way he had treated her when he had found out about her deception. I closed my eyes to shut out the feelings of sadness that engulfed me. And when I opened them again… all of my emotion had gone. All that remained was a selfish desire to preserve my own life… and the only other feeling that remained was that of raw lust.
I reached into my handbag and pulled out the letter opener that I had placed there… it’s blade sharpened into a deadly weapon. Then I threw myself at him and crushed my lips to his… the force causing John to open his mouth and meet my desperate tongue, as they intertwined magically. I think that we both knew what was going to happen next… I think we both knew that one way or the other, that this was the end. We both moaned as we pulled apart panting. My lips hurt from the force of the kiss… his remained open as he just looked at me. I felt the anger and hurt fill me at his mistrust… his accusations. John had jumped straight to conclusions and he hadn’t even attempted to listen to my side of the story.
I picked up the letter opener and lunged at him, sinking the blade into his arm as his quick reflexes stopped me from causing any real damage. I gazed quickly at his cut arm as I moved with uncharacteristic agility away from him. John was strong and I knew that he could overpower me if given the chance. “You… would… really kill me…” I could see his face turn pale, and he brushed the blood from his arm with his fingertips, inspecting it as if he couldn’t believe that I would hurt him like that. “Youdon’t leave me any choice baby…” He reached angrily into my handbag and sent the contents flying over the floor. He picked up my gun and looked at me in disbelief. Then he found my gloves and their suger-coated leather. “I didn’t want to believe it… but it was you… you are the killer…” John gazed at me and at the gun. I screamed as I ran at him again, his grip catching my arm before I had a chance to use the blade. He bashed my hand against the table, the pain causing me to drop the weapon. “Fuck you John…” I screamed as I bit into his hand which held mine in a vice-like grip. I tasted the saltiness of his blood on my teeth as he dropped my hand as though my touch burnt him. “Dammit Marlena… you… you…” He couldn’t even say the word, and I needed to taunt him.
“What am I John? Come on… say it…” My cruel gaze fixed on him and I knew by the look in his eyes that he was wondering who it was standing in front of him… his wife possessed by an unspeakable evil.
“A heartless bitch…” He spoke so quietly, and I felt an unspeakable sense of satisfaction at hearing those words come from his mouth. I jumped at him again, straddling his back as I hit him with all of the strength that I could muster. My legs wrapped so tightly around him, my thighs clenched so that I could support myself while I used my hands to throw punches at every inch of skin that I can reach.
His hands fly up to claw at my legs and I can feel the scratches as he tries to get me off him. I place my hands around his neck and squeeze, as his fingers claw at my hands, drawing blood as he battles to stop me from doing this. Grabbing my head, John laces his fingers through my hair and tugs on it as hard as he can. I scream as I feel like he will rip it out. My legs give way and I feel myself falling. I hit the floor with a thud, groaning as the pain fills me. John walks around me, his eyes teary as he aims the gun at my head. “Don’t move… or I will shoot you…” he warns me. I try not to smile. John could never shoot me. I tell him so, tauntingly. “You couldn’t hurt me…” My eyes are cruel. I move to stand up, and breathe a sigh of relief when I realise that everything still works… the fall didn’t cause any permanent damage. I see him hesitate as he keeps the gun levelled at me; his hands shaking as he watches me approach him. I sway my hips seductively, and even though we are in a terrifying situation, I notice the movement in his pants, as his erection begins. I stare into his eyes as I prepare my next move. And before he can react I kick the gun from his hand, and dive for it before it falls. John dives
too and falls on top of me, both of us scrambling desperately for the gun. I push him off me and jump up as the gun lands at the other side of the room. I make a run for it, but he grabs the back of my trench coat, ripping it as it tears away from my body. I hear John gasp as he sees my tight black pants that hug my body. My black v-necked jumper which fits my skin like a glove, my cleavage somewhat exposed. I use this moment to slide across the floor, my hands closing on the gun. I jump up with the speed of a tiger and aim the gun directly at his head. John stops in his tracks.
We are both panting heavily, our bodies aching from the physicality of the fight that has just finished. Now all I have to do is finish him off. I push the cartridge into place and place my index finger over the trigger. “Prepare to die baby…” I am just prolonging the inevitable… procrastinating as I try to savour him for as long as I possibly can.
“Doc… I love you baby… no matter what.” I feel my finger shake over the trigger, as I try to force myself to put just a bit more pressure on it. If he doesn’t die, then I will go to prison… I will get the death sentence. It’s me or him. “Yeah? Well I hate you John…” I taunt him, needing to preserve my own strength by causing him pain. “You don’t hate me… and I don’t think that you can kill me. In fact… I don’t think that you killed anyone…” I am unnerved as he walks slowly towards me, until his head is touching the gun. “Do it baby… kill me…” he whispers, as he stares into my eyes with an intensity that is all his.
My entire body shudders as I feel his closeness. We are now separated only by my gun. It is like he sees my weakness… my hesitation. I know now that I could never ever kill him. John places one warm hand over my clenched one, and I drop the gun into it. I stare at him, panting, my eyes filled with tears. I wonder what he plans to do now.
We stare at each other for what seems like an eternity. I can see his heated gaze travel over my body, inspecting my every curve… so visible in my outfit. I watch the blood ooze from the cut on his arm, and I can see the bruises already forming on his face from my blows. I can’t even feel the bruises that cover my body. All I want is to feel him. I can’t take it anymore. I close the distance between us, running towards him. I jump at him, his arms catching me as I wrap my legs around his waist and squeeze tightly. I grab his face and brutally kiss him, our tongues mating violently. The kiss is one of passion and punishment, each of us fighting for control, our lips grinding together as we take out all of our frustrations on one another. Something has been ignited in us tonight… an animal passion, born of anger and aggression. That could be finished in the bedroom.
I felt myself crash into the wall, the thud reverberating through my body. The force caused me to cry out and break our kiss, but John had my lips captured again almost instantly. He was moving urgently against me, pressing his penis into me as I groaned instinctively. He supported my weight against the wall and tore my shirt in two, tossing the pieces onto the floor behind him. My bra soon followed. He unzipped my pants as his mouth and tongue bit on my nipples, brutally… the pain and pleasure almost too much for me to bear. But I couldn’t complain… I urged him on with my loud moans and the way I arched my back towards him.
John’s hands unzipped my pants, and he slipped it inside my black panties, cupping my centre forcefully. I knew that he could feel how wet I was… how ready. He lowered my legs to the ground so that I was standing and tugged my pants from my body. Then he proceeded to undress himself completely. I gazed longingly at his erection as it sprung forward, its tip oozing with traces of his arousal. He picked me up and repositioned my legs around him, his fingers digging into the very tops of my thighs. He slammed himself into me and I groaned in pain… the brutal force so unexpected, yet so satisfying. I dug my fingernails into his back, and dragged them down his muscles, feeling him shudder as I did so. He began to pound into me… harder and faster. His mouth found mine and he bit my lip, drawing blood, the saltiness mingling in our mouths as our tongues duelled.
I leaned down to his shoulder as his teeth again found my breasts, and I bit into it as hard as I could, muffling my uncontrollable screams as I came closer and closer towards orgasm. I squeezed my thighs tightly and I felt John shudder, his release so close. “Finish this baby…” I screamed at him, my voice desperate. His thrusts intensified and finally we came together, our bodies quivering for long moments, while we came down from our highs. John engulfed me in his arms and came to a sitting position on the floor, cradling me in his arms. I burst into a fit of tears, the full impact of what happened tonight hitting me. John grasped blindly for my face and pulled my lips up to his for a tender kiss… the first intimate moment that we have had all night. I allow my tears to fall down my face and drip onto his, as he presses his cheek against mine. He holds my hand and brings my wrist up to his lips, kissing its underside. I am shaking as I snuggle into his embrace. “What is going to happen?” I ask him finally, my voice breaking through my tears. “I don’t even remember the murders. I just know that I was
there… What am I going to do, John?” I question him. I have blind faith that he will know what to do.
“Honey… I am going to prove that you are innocent. Just relax baby… just sleep…” He kisses my temple and rocks me in his arms until I feel myself falling into a slumber.
Somehow now I know that everything is going to be all right.
The Jarlena Journal 