Imagine if you will, this starts with a flashback to 1986, and our mystery man has just appeared on the scene… He’s alone and scared, but he’s seen our favorite lady doctor a few times, down near the waterfront at that establishment called the Brady Fish Market, a place to which he is inexplicably drawn. Without even being introduced she has made her mark on his heart. On one chilly February morning, an important day of remembrance for her, he is down at the pier staring out at the misty river….
Hello again
Your words they make me smile……..
She said a simple hello and then she smiled at him. That was all it took to turn his insides to mush… She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen… He wanted to talk to her but found himself all tongue tied, his heart racing at the sight of her, not able to put two thoughts together. So all he said was a nervous, “Hi,” which was followed by an awkward silence as he averted his gaze.
As I drift away in my little room upstairs
Oh, I spend my nights imagining your face, your touch….
For some reason, he was thinking about her creamy white skin, how soft it looked and he imagined what it might be like to touch her, to feel such tenderness in a world that had only been hard and brutal to him. His only memories were of being mistreated by those holding him captive. She was like the sun shining brightly in the midst of a dark and dreary existence… and he wished he could hold her in his arms. The only time he recalled anyone touching him was when the men who were holding him hostage got angry and hit him, forcing him to sit in a chair to which he was subsequently strapped down. It was all so confusing and frightening and he didn’t know anything else but that experience; he had no name, no history, no one to love. In the moments he was in her presence he felt as though there was a chance for him to have more, that it was possible he could be loved by someone. Illogical and unlikely as it seemed, he wished it could be her.
However, there was one minor complication…..
Then I realize
How I don’t even know you name…..
And then miraculously, she said it, “I’m Doctor Marlena Evans…. I work at Salem University Hospital here in town…” she told him, sensing he wanted to introduce himself but was just being shy and not wanting to disturb her.
Anxious adrenaline jolted him in the gut as he realized that now he had to talk to her… and he was suddenly even more nervous… What would he say to her, “Oh.. hi…. I’m uh…. John…. John…Black. It’s nice to meet you.. Doctor. I’m… new in town.”
“I thought you might be… it’s a nice town… typical Midwest, you know..”
Again there was silence for awhile… then mercifully, she spoke again. “I love to come down here… it’s very peaceful… isn’t it?” she asked, intuitively sensing his need to have someone in his life, as if she could see into his lonely soul.
“Yes, it really is… I was drawn here today… I don’t really know why… I’ve come here before.. but today was different. I *had* to come here.” His face bore a bewildered expression and it made her wonder.
“Really?” she asked intrigued… “So was I, but I do know why… it’s.. well, it’s my wedding anniversary today.”
Trying hard not to sound disappointed he said, “Oh, that’s nice.. so where is your husband?” he asked, glancing toward the stairs and thinking she should be happier than she seemed.
“Well, that’s just it… he died a little over a year and a half ago… but this place was always very special to him.. and I just felt like I needed to be here today, to feel close to him, I guess,” she answered sadly. She was missing him again… even though she knew what to expect.. it didn’t make the pain any easier to handle.
His heart went out to her… she was hurting and scared too… alone after sharing a dream with someone and then losing it, “Oh… I’m really sorry.. that must be so hard on you,” he said with tender compassion.
“Yes… sometimes it is… but, I’m getting through it… I’ve got three beautiful children and a wonderful family.. they keep me going. How about you.. you said you’re new here in town.. but do you have family here? friends?” she asked, eager to change the subject.
Laboring to hide his sadness about it, he said quietly, as he glanced back out toward the water, “Uh… no, I’m.. alone.”
Enjoying the positive turn the conversation had taken, she responded to that aspect of his situation, “Oh…well that can be good too, can’t it?”
“Yea.. I can come and go as I please… you know.. nothing to tie me down.. it’s kind of nice, I guess..” he said, continuing to stare out over the water, hoping he sounded as cheerful as she needed him to be.
He didn’t sound at all convincing. This man wasn’t just alone, he was lonely and hurting… she just knew it somehow. “Well, you look like you could use a good hot cup of coffee and I know just the place… would you like to go with me?” she said with her most inviting tone, as she flashed that golden smile.
If we could share our time
Would I disappoint your fantasies…….
It was instinctive, but John immediately realized that he had to accept, and he wanted to accept. There was something about her he needed and he sensed the reverse might be true as well, though he had no idea why that was. He had a vision of sharing a life of love and laughter with her, images of smiling happy faces, parents and children giggling… and then it was gone and he couldn’t remember the details, only the emotions remained.
“Sure… I’d love to.. it is a little colder out here by the water than I thought.. thanks for the offer.” He smiled and his eyes seemed a little brighter, something that made her feel better. Helping lift someone else’s spirits always did.
But I believe that I could be the one you’re needin’
Cause I’m only lonely on the inside
Didn’t mean to take away your dreams………
He hoped she wasn’t doing it just for him… he wondered if she had come to talk to her departed husband, to share some news with him and the fact that a stranger had been there spoiled her moment. “Doctor Evans… if you want to be alone for a minute… I’ll just go on up the stairs.. and wait for you.”
It touched her that he understood how she might be feeling and she smiled at him, saying, “Oh.. that’s very sweet of you.. but I’ve said all my goodbyes long ago.. Today was about some nice memories… but I’ll be fine.. thank you for being so sensitive and considerate. I appreciate that very much.”
I’m only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes
To your deepest thoughts……….
John nodded slightly and then gestured for her to start up the stairs, prepared to take up the rear. He was so gentlemanly… just like…. Roman. There was something about this kindly stranger that reminded her of her beloved. Or maybe it was just the day… everything reminded her of Roman on their wedding anniversary. She sighed as she glanced back at his favorite thinking spot. ‘Goodbye, Roman… you’ll always be in my heart.’
And I could start to give apologies
For all the stupid things that I will say and I will do……..
John wanted to say something else… and then the vision of loving her came to him again…. and he wondered if it were possible.. Could they have a future together… ‘No, stop it, John… you don’t even know her… quit fantasizing about her… that’s just stupid.’
If we should ever cross the same place at the same time
Would your world skip a beat cause it was me…..
Still, there was something about being with her that seemed right somehow. If he only believed in reincarnation, he might have said that he was her long lost love… that he had come back as someone else, that his soul was forever connected with the blond haired, hazel eyed beauty. He would say that they were destined to share love that lasted for all time, that even death could not destroy the bond that stretched between them. But, he didn’t believe in such things, at least not that he knew of anyway.
If we could share our life
Would I disappoint your memories
And I believe that you could be the one I’m needin’
And, I’m only lonely on the inside
Didn’t mean to take away your dreams………
That was an entire lifetime ago… and now it was over, for good. She had finally cut the gossamer strands of the ties that bound them together. When he was lost in contemplation, searching for a description of how it felt, he thought that it was similar to what it must be like for a newborn babe… One minute… warm and safe and loved inside the womb, and then suddenly thrust into a terrifying cold world, filled with blinding light and a cacophony of disturbing sound… and then in a split second that cord was severed… forever leaving them separate beings…
Only lonely on the inside
When you close you eyes to your deepest thoughts….
The sense of loss was crushing and he was frozen emotionally… getting through his days on coffee and sugar, surviving his nights with innane television programs until he fell into a restless slumber filled with nightmares about his painful reality alternating with dreams of what might have been. Then he would awaken in a lonely hotel room devoid of love only to repeat the cycle.
If I could give back your hopes, your joys, your treasures
Don’t you think that I would change my world
But there’s so many things trying to pull us together
And even though we’re far apart
I can still watch you walk away………
The day she’d walked away and left him was indelibly imprinted in his mind. She told him straight out that she was letting him go… that she’d had enough of his confusion about his memories from the past. Marlena loved him as he was, no matter what had come before, but somehow his own guilt about what he’d done for that controlling bastard had been eating away at the very fabric of his soul, his self esteem destroyed by the revelations made by that same evil monster. And that crippling self doubt was also destroying their love. He didn’t know how to deal with it and he didn’t know how to let her help him, but he didn’t want her to leave….
There’s so much I gotta say………
Only, the revelations weren’t fabricated… there was proof… proof John insisted on finding to his own detriment. So, in his mind… wanting to protect her, he was forced to watch her walk away, when it killed him to do it… when he was aching to hold her in his arms, when all he wanted to do was be that simple man with no memories… John Black.. the one who came to Salem all those years ago…
After all those years of fruitless searching for his missing past… he had it all back now…in all its maddening detail. He was never a Priest… he was “The Pawn,” playing whatever role Stefano wanted him to play… Assassin, Cop, Priest, Soldier of Fortune… and so many others… He had lied, cheated, stolen, and worst of all murdered for his master controller… The pain inside was soul shattering… and now he was alone to deal with all that it meant… “Oh.. Doc… I love you so much… I love you and I NEED you… I need you so much!” he cried out to the vast expanse of stars above him in the night sky….
Only lonely on the inside
I’m only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes
What do you see
I’m only lonely on the inside
He ached for what he’d taken from her… She said it didn’t make a difference and that they could get past it if they stayed together, but he knew it did. In certain moments, she flinched when he touched her… and if he ever raised his voice to her or the children, he could see her slightly hidden fear… now that she knew what he was capable of… when under Stefano’s power. “I’m so sorry… I’m sorry you ever got mixed up with me… I’ve hurt you so much…”
Didn’t mean to take away your dreams……..
On a clear dark winter’s night he cried out in his agony to the heavens, “Oh God… how could you let this happen? I didn’t want to know THIS!! The things I’ve done… I should die for what I’ve taken from people… for the pain I’ve caused… Lord… if I can’t have her… then… take me… just take me and get it overwith… please don’t make me stay and watch her fall in love with someone else… I couldn’t… bear that.”
I’m only lonely on the inside
In your deepest thoughts
What do you see
I’m only lonely on the inside……..
John wondered where she was… if she’d gone somewhere else after Colorado… He wondered if she were thinking of him… if she still loved him, in spite of what happened between them. He told her that he would always love her, but she had made it abundantly clear that she was moving on when she broke it off forever. She had been through more than her fair share of pain because of him and if he couldn’t or wouldn’t find a way to get past what he had learned of his history, then she was going to leave him to it. Tough as that seemed.. she didn’t know what else to do to make him realize what he was sacrificing.
I didn’t mean to steal your dreams away…….
She told herself that she could handle it… that she’d been alone before. The children were with her, and she was taking them places she’d always dreamed of going with John, after they were married. But those dreams were long dead and buried, as was the real Gina… and yet, in a very real sense it was that woman who had stolen him away from her.
I’m only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes
In your deepest thoughts
Do you see me……
In some moments it made her so angry… she’d been tempted to shoot Stefano Dimera down in cold blood for the agony he had caused to a man with such a tender heart. Learning what he’d done on their wedding day….. It was so cruel, so heartless and it left John doubting himself in ways no one could truly comprehend. She’d done everything she knew to do to make him realize that even if he’d done those horrible things… it wasn’t his fault and that she wasn’t afraid of what he might do. Nevertheless, he was the one who stepped down from the altar that day and that was the beginning of the end for the great love affair between John and Marlena. John had never quite come out of the darkness that seemed to descend in the moment he knew the truth… that the Priesthood had only been pretense to hide a life of crime and brutality. It was as if his whole world came crashing down around him and he couldn’t regain his equilibrium ever since, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much the people who loved him tried to find a way to help him get past it.
Only lonely on the inside
I’m only lonely when you’re gone………
He sat on a bench down at the River, as he did every afternoon as the sun prepared to set. It was a ritual of sorts…. He smiled at the little boy and his father preparing to go fishing together. They reminded him of some of the fleeting good times he’d had with his boys, with Eric all those years ago, and then with Brady.. before all the laughter and good times were taken away. The little boy was looking at him, and he seemed to see something behind the smile and he turned to his father and asked a question… “Daddy…. how come sometimes when people smile it’s only on the outside?”
Taking a quick look at the man he’d seen sitting on the bench every afternoon for the past several months, he lowered his voice and answered with his best guess, “Well, son…. there are lots of painful things that happen to people as they grow up and become adults, but they try to smile anyway to hide their pain. You know… like you did after you fell down when you were first learning to ride your bike. You were proud you were learning but it hurt when you fell off of it.”
“Oh… yea… I do remember…. I wonder what hurt that man over there. He always smiles when I look at him, but he seems real sad inside. I wish I could help him feel better.”
Only lonely on the inside……..
As the little boy started to approach him, John stood up to leave, deciding he might be putting a damper on their fun. Causing others pain was something he seemed to have a knack for, so it was best he leave. As he passed them by, he said as enthusiastically as possible with a wide grin on his face, one he had to work hard to find, “Hope you catch the big one today!”
“Gee thanks mister…. and I hope you get over the hurt so you’re not so lonely on the inside. God loves you no matter what. My Mom and Dad say I should remember that when I feel sad and lonely.”
I see you… .
Only lonely on the inside…….
Leave it to a child to put the truth so simply and yet so profoundly… God did still love him, no matter what had come before. He was forgiven his sins, and the ones he was so disturbed by only happened because he was being controlled by an evil servant of God’s antithesis. Maybe it was time for things to change. Maybe it was time he did something about how he was feeling, time to find the one person who loved him so much she was willing to walk away if that were what it took for him to face the pain and begin to heal.
“You’re right, son… I should remember that… and I guess I forgot for a little while. Thank you for reminding me.”
As he climbed the stairs of the pier and headed toward his Jeep, he pulled out the tiny slip of paper Shawn handed him the other night and smiled. It was the number of the place Marlena was staying. Shawn was so much like Alice Horton… he secretly believed in the power of true love and he sometimes violated a confidence in order to help the cause.
When he was sitting down on the seat, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed the number. In only a second or two he heard the sweetest sound in all the world… the warm inviting voice of the woman he loved. “Hello… John is that you?” she asked when the caller didn’t say anything, wondering about something Caroline had tried to hint about the other day when they spoke.
“Yea….. it’s me… I’m ready to talk, if you’ll give me a chance..”
“All right….. I guess you know where I am…” she said, teasing him, a hint of playful irritation in her tone.
John let out a sigh of relief, realizing she wasn’t angry as he feared she might be, “Yea… sorry about that… It was Shawn… he knows how miserable I’ve been without you and he told me I should call you… He said you’d give me a chance if I was just willing to make the first move… ”
“Well, I guess I’ve become a little too predictable in my old age…”
“No.. just wonderfully consistent, Doc… I love you,” he said in a soft whisper as tears welled up behind his blue eyes, eyes that evidenced a glimmer of hope.
“And, I love you… now, why don’t you use some of that wealth you’ve so easily collected and hop on your jet…. I’ve been….. lonely without you.”
“Really… but I thought… Everyone said that….. Oh, I get it…” he said with newfound understanding. It all made sense. She was covering her pain for his benefit, wanting to spare him the guilt for hurting her on top of everything else he was feeling. “I’ll see you soon… I love you so much, Marlena… Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“You should know by now, my love… I’ll never give up on you.”
When the connection was broken, she said to herself as she looked at the picture she kept by the bedside, “Soon, my love… soon, and then we won’t have to sing that song again…..”
I’m only lonely on the inside……..
The Jarlena Journal 