Now and Forever – By Jessica D and Jame J

For July, the morning air was cool as the breeze lightly wafted through the open curtains in the master bedroom of the Black Penthouse. Marlena Evans lay in bed, her legs intertwined between the silk peach sheets as she mumbled in her restless sleep. Rolling over a couple of times, she opened one hazel eye reluctantly glancing at the fluorescent numbers glaring back at her. Moaning softly, she lifted the sheets off of her and got out of bed, taking the robe off the chair beside her. Slipping it over her slender curves, Marlena walked downstairs and into the kitchen, taking the coffee out of the cabinet.

 

Pouring the remains of the beans into the coffee maker, Marlena leaned her head against the cool tile cabinet, not even realizing the door to the kitchen had been opened.

 

“Mom?”

 

Marlena jumped slightly, grabbing onto the marble counter as she spun around to see her son standing behind her.

 

He laughed softly as he came over to her, kissing her cheek every so lightly. Brady Black was a heartthrob in the minds of teenager girls and every male envied his looks, personality, and athletic ability. He was a good-looking young man with sun bleached blonde hair and his father’s sky ridden blue eyes. After spending almost a year helping his father build up his empire known as Basic Black, Brady had gone back to college to study in business, all the while taking on two different sports, concentrating mostly in football. He had just recently build up an almost perfect relationship with his stepmother, spending his time making up for all the sins he had committed in the past.

 

After his father had moved out, he had stayed with Marlena for a while, not wanting to leave her alone. He had become her protector, her source of light and even more that that, her comfort.

 

Laughing as she placed her hand over her heart, she used her other hand to gently swat Brady on the arm.

 

“You scared me!” she exclaimed, beaming at her son. “What are you doing here? It’s seven fifteen in the morning. Shouldn’t you be asleep? Or at least catching up on all those love letters you seem to receive,” Marlena teased.

 

”Oh, I’ve already done that. There were tons of them. Bags and bags,” Brady smiled as they both sat at the kitchen table. “Actually, I’m here to get something from Belle and then while I was waiting for the elevator I realized that she was at Dad’s this weekend so I thought I’d come up anyway and see how you were doing. So mother, how are you doing?”

 

“Better now that you’re here.” Her smile lit up her face as she glanced at her son. Although not biologically hers, she loved him as if he were and took the time to thank the Lord everyday for bringing him back into her life, especially now.

 

“I’m serious. Have you spoken to him lately?” Brady asked.

 

Marlena knowing exactly what he meant, shook her head solemnly. “No.”

 

John Black had left the penthouse he had lived in for almost four years the previous year. Times with his wife had gotten to be to much and he was tired of making her cry. Not wanting to leave but feeling he had no other choice, he spent the next couple of days packing all of his stuff, only to leave a note for his wife explaining that he was sorry and that he would be in touch soon to let her know where he was.

 

Unable to handle his rejection, Marlena spent weeks curled up in her bed, wanting nothing more than to die in her own self pity. Almost succeeding one night, she swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills, no longer wanting or able to handle her pain. It was Brady who found her on that fateful night … barely coherent and barely breathing. After that he had taken care of her for months and after sessions of therapy, she finally got her life back on track, stronger and better than before. Despite the fact that she longed for John nearly every second of everyday, Marlena buried herself into the things that really mattered … her children, her friends, and putting her practice back on track.

 

“He stopped by to pick Belle up a couple days ago but I was on my way to an appointment that I was already late for. I’m kinda glad though. Having to deal with him … well I really can’t handle that, especially now.”

 

Brady nodded his head, reaching across the table to hold her hand. “You doing anything tomorrow? I really don’t think you should be alone for your anniversary … maybe you and I can go catch a movie or I can take you out to dinner. There is this wonderful little Italian restaurant in Chicago that I took Joey to a couple weeks ago. What do you say?”

 

She stood up, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Walking to the coffee machine, she took out two mugs and poured the steaming black liquid into them. Carefully walking back to the table, she set them down, placing a hand on Brady’s knee. “You are so sweet for offering but I don’t need a chaperone. I figured I would just lay around here, catch up on the repeats of Friends, order in some food … you know, the usual.”

 

Brady scrunched his nose in disgust and shook his head. “Rachel wants Joey now that he isn’t available, Monica can’t get pregnant, Chandler can’t get her pregnant. Blah, blah, blah. Full update on Friends. Now you are coming out with me. Please, mom …”

 

Sticking his lower lip out at her, she laughed unable to say no to him. “Fine. As long as you have me home for ER, Abby and Carter just …”

 

“Ahh,” Brady screamed, “I am going to throw that TV out of the window. Now look, I am going to pick you up tomorrow at seven thirty. All right?”

 

“Are you sure Joey won’t mind?”

 

“Nah,” Brady winked, “she knows you and Belle are my number one girls anyway. Oh by the way, Belle told me you got those pics developed from when we were in New York. Do you have them? I’d love to see them.”

 

“Sure,” Marlena smiled. “Let me run up and get them.”

 

Marlena jogged out of the room as Brady leaned back up against the chair, glancing at the picture that laid on the counter. Standing up, he walked over to it, picking it up gently. It was a picture of John and Marlena taken two years ago on her birthday. They had gone to Las Vegas for a weekend of fun and it sure had been that … they had won over three grand in gambling and had renewed their vows in a sleazy little church just for the heck of it. But a couple months later those vows didn’t seem to matter much anymore. The fighting had become to much and then he had left … and left her alone.

 

Brady still blamed his father sometimes although in the end, he knew he did it just to save Marlena anymore pain. It had been a long journey for all of them and they were all still coming to terms with it. John and Marlena had barely spoken since the separation and Marlena had begun to question if they ever would.

 

The phone rang then, as Brady looked around the kitchen looking for the portable phone. Picking up it, he heard his father’s frantic voice on the other line.

 

“Dad, dad, calm down … tell me what happened … yeah I will tell her right away! Are you coming here now? … No, no, I can drive her to the hospital, you should just go straight there … all right … okay, bye.”

 

About to run out of the kitchen, Marlena came in with a load of pictures in her hands. “Brady who was on the phone?” she asked, putting them down on the table.

 

“Mom, we have to go over to the hospital right away, it’s Belle …”

Marlena rushed through the double doors of the emergency room, feeling as a wave of nausea washed over her.   She wasn’t sure if it was because of the heat or the hospital smell, or maybe just sheer terror for her daughter.   John hadn’t said much on the phone to Brady, just that Belle had been taken to the hospital and Marlena was needed there immediatly.  

She was tense on the ride over, unable to stop shaking despite the ninety-five degree weather, unable to sit still in Brady’s convertable.  And as she entered the hospital, she saw her ex-husband huddled in a corner with the chief of staff, both looking more serious than Marlena could ever want to imagine.  She stood frozen in the middle of the ER, feeling as if she couldn’t take another step forward. She didn’t want her semi perfect life to fall to shambles, she didn’t want to know what was wrong with her daughter, and she didn’t want to have to face her ex after all this time.  It was all to much at one time and Marlena could feel her limbs beginning to loosen. And as she was about to let her legs turn to jelly, she felt Brady’s arm picking her back up and balancing her.

“I’ve got you,” Brady said softly,  “I won’t let you fall.”

She looked up at him, smiling weakly at her son.   “I know you won’t. But this is something I need to do on my own. I’ll be okay.”

Brady only nodded, letting go of the grip he had on Marlena’s arm. She was like a wounded bird, venturing away from the one thing that could possibly keep her standing. She continued to walk however, trying to maintain the strength everyone believed she possessed. The truth was she was as weak as the next person, only strong due to the people around her.

Neither John or Craig saw her standing there and as she uttered her former husband’s name, they both turned to face her, John’s face softening at just one look at Marlena.

“Doc,” he whispered, pulling her into his arms, engulfing her in a hug that nearly took her breath away. It was so easy for her to fall back into his graces, to collapse in his arms, to seek a comfort no one else could give her. And these reasons alone had Marlena backing away from him, unable to deal with the repercussions of getting closer to John.

She straightened her suit jacket and cleared her throat, taking a step closer to the chief of staff of University Hospital.

“Craig, what’s wrong with her? What happened?”

Craig Wesley inhaled deeply, hating this part of his job, especially when it involved close friends of his. Marlena herself was a doctor, she out of everyone understood the pressures of the job but even that didn’t make this any easier.

“John brought Belle in a few hours ago after she had been complaining of abdominal pain. The first thing we checked was her appendix but –“

“She had it removed when she was eight,” Marlena whispered.

Craig nodded, continuing. “Her temperature was up to 102.3 and aside from the pain, she was complaining of nausea and got sick quite a few times. We’re still running tests on her, Marlena, but so far, they’re all negative.”

“What …” Marlena cleared her throat, trying to avoid the desperation that so badly wanted to come through. “What tests have you run on her so far?”

“We’ve done a complete blood work up and a CT scan so far. Marlena, I promise I’ll take care of her,” Craig replied sympathetically. “I know what this is like.”

Marlena gave him a weak smile, placing her hand on his upper arm. “I know you do. What other tests do you plan on running? And when can I take her home.”

Before Craig could answer, John interrupted, placing his hand on Marlena’s shoulder. “Can we speak for a minute?”

“I’ll go check on Belle,” Craig said, softly. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

John and Marlena watched Craig walk away, neither sure how to act around the other. It had been so long with so many emotions caught in between them, just waiting to come to the surface.

“Doc …”

“John …”

Their voices simultaneously together was a reminder of the past and their bond, making Marlena shift uncomfortably on her feet. “I’m sorry, you go ahead,” she said, softly, glancing down at the floor.

He gave her a small smile, knowing she wouldn’t be able to see it with her head angled in that position. “Marlena, I think we need to change our living arrangement. With Belle sick and Craig having no idea what’s wrong with her, I just think it would be better if both of her parents were living in the same place …”

Marlena’s head shot up as she gazed at John intently. “You’re not suggesting you move back in, are you?” With a small nod to the head, John acknowledged Marlena’s statement, igniting a sigh from her. “John, that’s preposterous! We got divorced for a reason–“

“And I still have no idea what that reasoning was,” he muttered.

“John …”

“No, I’m sorry. But Marlena, this isn’t about us. This isn’t about our relationship, or lack thereof. This isn’t about anything but Belle. I saw her Doc,” he replied, tenderly, “I saw her lying on the floor of the bathroom, crying out in pain, unable to breathe because it was just that bad. I watched her throw up into some bin, crying this time because she has no idea what’s wrong with her. She needs us both and my living forty-five minutes away won’t solve that. I’m just as scared as she is, Marlena.”

“I know, me too. Okay,” she said, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear, “when Belle comes home, so do you. I’m … I’m going to head to my office and let Amy know what’s going on. I need to cancel all of my appointments for the week, I need to, to um, I’ll be back,” she mumbled, on the verge of tears.

Wanting to reach out to her, but knowing he couldn’t, John called her name to stop her from leaving. And as she turned, her eyes red and weary, her posture slowly crumbling, John felt himself do the same.

“Nothing. I’ll tell Belle you’ll be in to see her in a minute.”

Marlena mouthed him a small thank you and walked off, never realizing how wonderful her life had been up until this moment.

Marlena got home from the hospital, the room dark and cold, as if knowing exactly how she was feeling. Her feet were aching, as was her heart, and she groaned softly as she threw her shoes onto the floor. The wall behind her head was cool, easing her migraine if only somewhat.

She had spent all morning in the hospital with John, working every doctor she could for answers about Belle’s condition. But there were none, not yet anyway, and the anxiety was beginning to become a little to much. She longed for a cigarette, the kind she had smoked for four years in college, but knowing that wasn’t the answer, she instead collapsed onto the couch. Belle would be home in a few hours with John, both new aspects she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to handle.

She took the remote for the stereo, turning on the soothing sounds of Mozart, anything that was able to ease her emotions right now. Her eyes closed, her chest loosened, and she breathed deeply, so involved in her own therapy, she didn’t hear the door open. It was only until a clammy hand touched her shoulder that she let out a scream, before turning around. She then saw his eyes: deep, sad, abiding.

“John. You scared me half to death.” She looked around the room, expecting to see her daughter. “Where’s Belle?”

John moved around the couch, sitting down next to her. “She wanted Brady to take her home. I just thought I’d come by and see how you were before I went back to my place to pick up my stuff. So,” he smiled gently, “how are you?”

“Miserable. You?”

“She’s going to be okay, you know.”

“Is she?” Marlena challenged. “They don’t even know what’s wrong with her, John. She could have cancer, she could be bulimic, she could … I don’t know, be pregnant! The point is we don’t know. And that scares me so. I just don’t know what to do,” she cried.

If on instinct, John wrapped his arms around Marlena, holding her as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “Sh, don’t cry,” he whispered. “I promise you, we will get through this. Don’t break down on her. She needs her mother, she needs you to be strong, and for the times you can’t … well that’s what I’m here for.”

Marlena, suddenly uncomfortable with her surroundings, shifted, so she was out of John’s embrace. “I can talk care of myself,” she said, coolly. “I did it just fine after you left.”

“Marlena … that isn’t fair.”

“Isn’t it? Was it fair when you packed up and left because you were to much of a coward to face our problems? Was it fair of you to question my reasons for a divorce when you’re the one who walked out? John, we haven’t spoken in months aside from a few words, what do you want from me? Do you want me to act like none of this happened? That I’m happy you’re here? Because I’m not!” Her anger was beginning to get the best of her, anger John had never seen in her before. She had changed a lot since the divorce, since the attempted suicide attempt, which was never spoken of. As if reading his mind, Marlena let out a long sigh. “I don’t blame you for that, you know. For everything else maybe, but not that.”

“What?” John asked, surprised.

“The suicide attempt. I … I don’t blame you for that. That was my own stupidity. I guess you have a right to know you’re not responsible.”

“Thank you. When I heard about it, I wanted to be here, I wanted to help you but … I don’t know, Brady told me I should just stay away and he was right. But I am sorry.”

“Yeah, I know.”

The silence endured, the only thing heard was the constant ticking of the clock. Marlena glanced around the room as if seeing it for the first time, anything to avoid the touch and stare of her former husband.

“What are we doing here?”

His question startled her and she turned, their eyes meeting.

“Waiting for Belle?”

John smiled. “No. I mean here, in Salem. Maybe we should take Belle away from here. Bring her to someplace relaxing. Ever since she was little she loved the beach. Do you remember that summer we went to Florida? She loved it there, Marlena. I think maybe we should take the family away.”

Hearing him say the word family made her cringe as she stood up, pacing the length of the living room. “We can’t just up and leave, John. We don’t even have a diagnosis.”

“So get someone to come with us.”

The voice was so quiet, so soft, it took John and Marlena a minute to realize where the sound was coming from. They turned simultaneously to the door where Belle stood with Brady, her face pale, her eyes red rimmed with tears.

“Belle–“

“No, Mom. Dad’s right. I don’t want to stay here. Do you know that word has already spread like wildfire that I’m dying?”

“Honey, you’re not dying–“

Belle held up her hand to stop her mother. “I don’t want to sit around here getting sympathetic looks, watching daytime TV just wondering when they’re going to find out my fate. There are hospitals everywhere in this world, please let me go to one where no one knows who I am.”

Marlena looked to John and sighed. “I have a colleague with a house in Malibu. She only occupies it during the winter season. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind, if it’s what you really want. John, would you be able to get someone to come with us … in case.”

“Of course. I’ll go make some calls right now.”

John left the room, as did Brady, claming he needed to help his father in locating some numbers. Belle stood there, staring at her mother, on the verge of tears. She looked away, her foot sweeping the floor.

“I’m sorry to ruin your summer or whatever,” she mumbled.

Marlena was up in one swift movement, holding her daughter a second later. “You didn’t ruin anything for me, sweetheart. Watch, you probably just have the stomach flu or something and then we’ll be able to enjoy the summer out on the beach.”

But even as Marlena said it, she knew it wasn’t just a stomach virus. Even a trip out to California to spend time in the sun and sand didn’t ease her worries. A feeling of dread remained in her stomach as she held Belle tighter, wondering just what the summer would hold for them all.

It was her favorite time of night. The moment where the sun melted so far below the horizon all that could be seen was a glare from the waters, the colors erupting across the deep blue sky, so abiding and deep, it touched her without even realizing it. It why she had always loved California, always loved the beach at this moment. It gave her the peace she needed, the moments to think where she couldn’t do otherwise. But the thoughts she was having now wasn’t what she had intended to feel. The anger of not knowing what was wrong with her daughter, the pain of living in a house with a man she loved and hated all at once, and the resentment she felt about her life, about the decisions she had made and the stubbornness she had let get in the way.

She sat on the sand, her knees perched to her chest, her head resting upon them, watching the waves roll gently and freely towards her. They had been in California for hours now, and while the rest of the family went to dinner, Marlena had remained. The darkness washed over her like a warm coat and she closed her eyes, inhaling the summer air. She could hear the approaching steps behind her, yet remained still, hoping beyond hope he’d simply walk away. But he didn’t, just like she knew he never would.

Mem’ries light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored mem’ries of the way we were …

Marlena squeezed her eyes shut, unable to stop the memories that began to flood her mind. The harder she clenched her fists, the harder she tried to make it all go away, they stayed, digging into her soul as if a small wound was suddenly being ripped open and torn apart.

“I brought you back some dinner. I thought you might get hungry later.”

His voice only caused her tears to fall and she swiped her cheeks, hoping he wouldn’t notice. But he knew her too well. He took his thumb, grazing her cheek softly, wiping away the moisture she had somehow missed.

“You okay?”

Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another for the way we were …

She didn’t answer him, instead held out a picture he hadn’t even realized was there. It was a photo of the four of them on the last Thanksgiving before everything had fallen apart. When everything had seemed perfect, when smiles had so often replaced tears.

“Where did you get this?” John asked, softly.

“I had taken Belle’s carry on, I couldn’t find my own when I was packing earlier. It was stuffed into one of the pockets. Do you remember that night?”

She still refused to look at him, instead kept her eyes on the water. He too looked out to the beyond, where he could almost bring himself back to a time when everything had seemed perfect.

“Of course,” he smiled. “Tuscany hadn’t really been the same since Maggie died, but Roman and Kate made everyone go there. And as surprised as everyone was, it was an amazing night. You had been so sad about all the deaths that I almost forgot what it was like to see you so happy. But you were. And you told me that night that despite all that had happened, everything was as it should have been. Everything was perfect. I loved you so much in that moment.”

Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we, could we …

“So what changed?”

“What do you mean?”

For the first time since he sat down, she turned to him, her eyes red and sad. “I mean what made you stop loving me. What made you leave?”

John placed his hand on her knee, looking at her as if it were the last time. “It just got to hard.” Marlena winced at his words, but he continued, his voice as light as the wind. “I realize it was the cowardly way out. But we just weren’t ourselves anymore. You and I barely talked anymore and when we did, it was argument after argument. I always thought you were the one person who I’d never feel like that with and it just hurt me to much. But if you really believe I stopped loving you …”

“You made me feel like that. To be honest, I didn’t want you to see me after the attempt. I didn’t want you to know you had won. But there was a part of me, a small part, that wished you would come back. And it was in that moment I began to believe that you didn’t love me. And that alone was going to kill me. Not a knife, not pills, not anything except that one thought. And I hate you for that, I fucking hate you for that!”

Her rage began to rise the faster her tears fell and she hit him, not wanting to stop. Her mind bled, her fists bruised, but for the first time since the divorce, she felt good. She just hit him and hit him, her eyes blurred, her world spinning. But soon the fists stop, the tears continued to fall, and she collapsed into his arms, a comfort she wasn’t sure she wanted to fall back into.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair, “I’m sorry.”

She didn’t answer, just remained in his arms, sobbing and shaking, losing all the control she tried to hard to maintain. Moments later her body calmed, her tears subsided, and she opened her eyes.

“If you could go back, would you? And I don’t just mean to the divorce. I mean to it all. The affair, the marriages, the remarriages, coming to Salem in the first place.” For the first time, she cracked a smile. “If you say no, I promise not to kill myself … or you.”

John laughed, smoothing her hair. “I would do certain things differently, but yes.”

“Like what?”

“I wouldn’t have let you go that first time. I would have followed my heart and known that you hadn’t of died. I would have kept you away from Stefano–“

“I don’t mean things like that, John. I don’t mean things beyond either of our control, like madmen or fake deaths, or anything like that. I mean between us. The real moments. Not you playing hero, not my moments of rescuing, but everything real, everything true. Would you change any of that?”

Mem’ries may be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember we simply choose to forget
So it’s the laughter we will remember
Whenever we remember the way we were.

“Change it? No. Relive it? Without a doubt. Despite what I made you believe Marlena, I still love you. I will always love you. And every moment we ever spent together, whether it seemed significant or not, will always stay with me. Do you remember that night … three years ago tonight actually. You made me promise not to get you anything for our anniversary because there was nothing you wanted. I know you were lying, no women could ever resist presents, especially jewelry. You had gone to sleep early that night while I had gone out for drinks with Bo. I came home and there was a note taped to the mirror.”

Marlena looked up at him, her eyes wide. “You remember that?”

“Whether it was significant or not. It simply said ‘Honey, I hope the night out with Bo was fun. I taped the Yankee game you wanted to see. There’s an episode of Melrose Place on there for me, don’t erase it somehow. Someone blows up a building or something. Love you.” John smiled, shaking his head. “You were never a woman I could picture watching that crap. I actually watched that episode that night. It was the dumbest thing I ever saw but it made me smile simply because I knew you couldn’t wait to see it.”

“I completely forgot about that. I guess I blocked out a lot,” she replied, sadly. “Thank you.”

“For what? For ruining your life?”

“For making me remember that not everything was bad. That there was a lot of moments like that one that made me happy.”

She sat up, but kept her grip on John. And as she leaned closer, her lips so close to his own, he cleared his throat and moved away from her, rejecting her once again.

“Marlena, there’s something you need to know …”

Realization washed over her and she backed away, herself, suddenly feeling quite sick. “You’re seeing someone,” she whispered.

“I didn’t want the kids to tell you. But I just couldn’t … I didn’t know how to bring it up. Her name is Lyndsay–“

“It was a thank you, John. I’m not trying to rekindle anything,” she retorted, standing up. “Goodnight. And if you speak to Lyndsay, tell her the same … if she knows of me, of course.”

She knew it was hasty and immature, but as she walked away, she couldn’t muster up the energy to care. He was really lost to her. And as John watched her leave, his head rolled his chest and he sighed heavily, wondering if flying 3000 miles away from home, stuck in a house with his ex wife, was really the best idea.

Lyrics to: The Way We Were-Barbara Streisand

Dusk had quickly turned to night, nothing to illuminate the glorious beach but the moonlight and tonight the light from the blazing fire before her. For Marlena, this was the reason she loved California, the reason she had always dreamed of moving out there. She watched the waves move like dancers through her window; elegant, graceful, beautiful. She curled her toes underneath her favorite chenille blanket and closed her eyes, hearing for the first time the music that played from Belle’s room just down the hall. It was music Marlena could never imagine liking, someone along the lines of Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson, yet for some reason, tonight it soothed her.

She laid back against the plush cushions, allowing the lyrics to engulf her. But behind closed eyes, all she saw was John; his smile, his eyes, the scar above his left eyebrow that she always found so desirable. Marlena breathed deep, exhaling slowly, already feeling the despair rising in her chest. She wouldn’t allow herself to cry, not over him, not anymore. She had been down this road before, one she almost didn’t get past, and there was no other choice now. She had a daughter who needed her and she wouldn’t let the news of John Black’s girlfriend bother her.

“What’s with the fire? It’s July in Malibu.”

Jolted from her thoughts, Marlena sat up, coming face to face with her former husband. She rolled her eyes and turned away from him, lowering herself back to the confines of the couch.

“I was cold,” she snapped, “why do you care?”

John sat down on the edge of the table and lightly touched her arm hoping she would turn around and face him. Marlena remained still for a moment, then slowly turned her body towards his. She looked up at him, her eyes vulnerable and sad, and he yearned to hold her, just once.

“Why are we doing this, Marlena?”

” Doing what, John?”

He rubbed his finger over his eyebrow. “Look, I’m sorry I never told you about, Lyndsay. It was wrong of me, I know that, and I apologize. But what did you want me to do? We barely spoke, Marlena. Was I just supposed to call you up and tell you I was dating someone? Can you really tell me you haven’t dated since the divorce?”

“Yes,” Marlena muttered.

“Marlena, you’re the one who wanted it–“

“And you’re the one who left!” She brushed her hands over her eyes, taking a steady breath. ” Do we really need to keep discussing this? We have to live here for the next few months, together. It’s not what I want, and I’m sure it’s not what you want. But for Belle, we need to make this work. And if all we’re going to do is fight, then maybe … maybe we should just stay out of each other’s way.”

John stood up, moving Marlena’s feet slightly as he sat beside her. Before she could protest however, he spoke, his voice soft against the cackling fire.

“Roman, Isabella, Rebecca, Kristen … through them all, you and I remained best friends. So what changed, Marlena? I know things got bad, but were they really that bad that this had to happen? Okay, so I have a girlfriend. I didn’t see you leaving when I was with anyone else or I when you were with Roman.”

“John,” she said softly, “you nearly left Salem because you couldn’t stand to see me with Roman.”

He smiled at her comment, nodding his head. “All right, that one time aside. But I stayed didn’t I?”

And in his comment were the unspoken words of why he had stayed. Of what made him stay. They were both so lost in the memories of that night, the way the rain seemed to purify everything, the tears they had both cried, the loss of innocence, that it took them a moment to hear the song that was now playing from down the hall, a song which only added to the despair Marlena was feeling. John looked down at his watch, and then up at Marlena, blue locked on hazel.

“It’s midnight.”

“I figured when our daughter started to play our wedding song,” Marlena muttered, “but I appreciate the reminder.”

John held out his hand to Marlena. ” Dance with me.”

“No, thanks. I should actually head to bed.”

Marlena stood, allowing the blanket to fall crumpled onto the couch. Bathed in the fire and moonlight, she looked like an angel, one John knew he couldn’t let go. Not yet. He grabbed her arm before she could walk away, turning her, so she could look at him.

“For old time’s sake. Please.”

“Are you trying to torture me?” She whispered, swiping at her tears. “Just please, let me go to bed. Just let me go …”

He winced, hating the sight of her in so much pain. “I already did that once. And it was the biggest mistake of my life. Now, please, I just want to talk. If after this dance you still can’t stand me, I’ll leave you alone for the next couple of months. It will be hard, but I will.”

She sighed reluctantly, finally accepting his hand. “One dance, John. Besides, wouldn’t your girlfriend mind?”

John smiled, taking her into his arms. “Marlena Evans, when did you become so jealous?”

“I’m not jealous,” she snapped, “I … I just don’t think your girlfriend would want you dancing with your ex wife. It’s a little, I don’t know, awkward?”

“I think the only person this seems to be awkward for is you.” He pulled her close to him and she closed her eyes, suddenly feeling faint. She had almost forgotten his smell, a woodsy type of smell, one that had always reminded her of their honeymoon all those years ago in West Virginia. She was still surprised that after all these years he had smelled the same, always so fresh, so manly. His hand tightened around her waist, as if knowing she was weak, and they both thought back on the night of their wedding. Everything had been so perfect then, so promising.

“So what is it, John? What did you want to talk about?”

“I want that back,” he replied, simply.

“What back?”

“That bond we had. Now, don’t roll your eyes, but do you remember when I was with Kristen?”

“First Lyndsay, now Kristen, keep going John, I’d love to hear more about your lovers, both past and present.”

“Oh would you stop it. I actually have a point, that has nothing to do with lovers, past or present. Now do you remember that time?”

Marlena rolled her eyes, unbeknownst to John. “Yes, of course I remember. Your point?”

“My point is, that you and I were inseparable, Marlena. It didn’t matter who I was with, to either of us. Do you remember that afternoon in Paris when Kristen was in the hospital? Our former anniversary, actually. We were leaving a cafe and you took my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. You were there for me, and I was there for you, and it didn’t matter about anything else. To be honest, sometimes I felt our friendship was stronger when we weren’t together. So what changed, Marlena? Why is it so hard for us to be friends after all of this time?”

Marlena backed away from John, her arms falling weightlessly to her side. “Because times were different. We didn’t separate purposely. You thought I was gone and when I came back, you had Isabella. Isabella passed away, and I had Roman. When you were with Kristen, as much as I hated her, I still loved you so and so I held on, hoping one day you’d see her for who she really was. It was before all the pain, John. It was before the fights, before you left, because I … before I tried to take my own life. John, I do love you. You know that, I can’t even begin to deny that. But don’t think I don’t resent you, because I do. You didn’t make me suicidal, John, but you weren’t the one to stop it either. And if we were truly best friends, it would have been you who helped me through, not your son.”

“You don’t think I wanted to be there? Damn it, Marlena, I blamed myself for your attempt! I didn’t know how to come back when I thought my arrival would only push you further over the edge. But if you for one minute thought that I didn’t care–“

“I don’t know what to think,” she replied, wearily.

“All I’m asking of you is a chance. Please …”

“You’re playing with fire, you know,” Brady Black said, flipping through his sister’s traveling CD collection, glancing at the door where she stood.

Isabella Black turned around, a few stands of blonde hair falling loosely in her face. “No, I’m not,” she whispered. She turned around again, closing the door lightly. She walked across the room and sat down next to her brother. “I just played the song. They kept talking once it was done.”

“Belle, I love Marlena a lot, you know that, but Dad is happy with Lyndsay. She’s not like Kristen, you know. She’s not out to attack Mom, or take Dad’s money, or do anything hurtful. And besides, do you even remember the last few months of their relationship? Do you remember how loud their fights used to get? Playing matchmaker isn’t smart.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Belle replied, sarcastically. “I’m not seven, Brady. I’m not wasting away wishing my parent’s would get back together. Of course, I want them to be, but you’re right, Lyndsay is really great, that wasn’t the point of all of this. It’s just if we have to live here all summer, do you really want them not speaking? God, do you recall the mornings when Dad would come downstairs for breakfast and the four of us would just sit there in silence? I can’t do that again, and I won’t. So if they can at least form some nice common little words, then this summer will be a lot better for all of us.” Belle climbed onto her bed, curling up in a ball. “Except of course for this illness hanging over my head.”

Brady moved his chair closer to the bed, stroking his sister’s hair. “How are you feeling?”

She shrugged her shoulders, pulling a few strands of hair behind her ear. “Pretty lousy, but you know me, I’m a survivor. You know, Brady, I never wanted you to take off a summer semester for this. I know you needed to catch up–“

“Stop it. You’re my sister. College will always be there. Right now, you needed me. Besides, who wants to sit in Introduction to Psychology when you can go surfing?”

“I bet Mom would,” Belle laughed. “She was so excited when you said you were going to take that course.”

“I know,” Brady grinned, “I really only did it to please her. And because I had a credit I needed to fill. But in all seriousness, you are a hell of a lot more important than some college credits, I can make up at any time.” Brady paused for a moment, leaning back in his chair. “Can I ask you something?”

Belle nodded, shifting her position on the bed, making room for Brady. Without a word, he stood and sat down next to her, her head resting comfortably on his lap.

“Are you scared?”

Belle closed her eyes, her fists curling into a tight ball around her childhood blanket. “More than I thought I would be. Isn’t that ridiculous? I mean, this could be nothing. But yet, I have this feeling of dread, like I know there is something wrong. Even looking at mom and dad, I know they’re thinking it as well. It’s just ironic. This summer was going to be amazing. I was off to Europe in a few weeks, ready to take Paris and all those men by storm, and look what happened? So I guess the real question is, does everything happen for a reason?”

Brady thought about it for a moment, staring out the balcony doors and onto the beach. “I think so. Even the things that seem really crappy at the time are sometimes the greatest things to ever happen to us. As horrible as this is going to sound, maybe this trip, maybe you getting sick now, is all something to make everything in our family all right. I’m not saying mom and dad are going to reconcile, but maybe we’re here to bring them closer together.”

“Couldn’t we have gotten them back to a friendship by more conventional methods?” Belle smiled, sadly. “But I actually have to agree. Maybe this all does serve some greater purpose.”

She lay back against the pillows, sinking lower into her mattress, allowing it to engulf her. Brady could see how exhausted she was becoming, and moved slightly so he was back in the chair. He leaned forward, taking a wisp of his sister’s hair in his hand.

“Why don’t you rest,” he said, softly, “I’ll let you sleep.”

“No,” she whispered, “stay with me.”

**

Marlena turned away from John, biting on her lower lip. She crossed her arms, wishing more than anything she could frolic in the waves without a care in the world. She took another step away from him, feeling faint, and she slid onto the couch, her arm resting on the edge of the couch. She still didn’t speak when she felt the weight of John’s body on the other end of the couch. His arm reached out to hers, touching her ever so gently, and she shivered under his touch.

“Marlena?” He whispered.

She didn’t answer for a moment, just allowed the cackles of fire embrace her mind. Finally she turned, her eyes filled with tears, red rimmed and vulnerable.

“No one has ever hurt me more than you have, John. As much as I want to say yes, as much as I would love to have that relationship with you again, I just don’t know … I don’t know if I can see you with Lyndsay. I don’t know if I can act as if we’re okay, when I still love you as much as I do. I just need a little time to think–“

” Dad, get in here now!”

Both John and Marlena turned their heads simultaneously towards the bedroom where Brady’s yell had come from. With one look, they were both down the hall in a heartbeat, the door to Belle’s room slammed open against the wall. Marlena stood in the threshold of the door, her hand covering her mouth, as she looked at her daughter, frail and still on the bed. It was John who sprung to action, checking Belle’s pulse, as he frantically asked Brady numerous questions.

“We were just talking, Dad. She was feeling tired, so I told her to rest. She just … she stopped breathing.”

John whipped his head towards the door, staring at Marlena. “Call an ambulance now. Then call the hospital, the number is on the fridge, and ask for Dr. Carter. Tell him we’re on our way.”

Marlena nodded her head, but as she tried to step away, she couldn’t. Everything around her seemed a blur, and suddenly her problems with John were nothing more than trivial. She tried to move again but couldn’t, her heartbeat pounding in her mind, John’s frantic shouts going through her like air. And before she realized what was happening, she felt herself hit the cold tile floor, while the world before her became black.

He had always loved watching her sleep; the way her eyes fluttered every time she would be dreaming, the way her mouth parted, always on the verge of saying everything and nothing at the same time. But tonight was different. Tonight wasn’t like it had been in the past, where she was asleep in their bed after hours of love making. Tonight was a night of sorrow, a night where everything they had once known, even the bad, was about to get worse. He watched her stir in her sleep, mumbling a few words he couldn’t quite understand and moved his chair a little closer to the bed, hoping she’d awake soon.

She turned over, fluttering her eyes a couple times, before opening them. She groaned lightly when she saw him, shutting them once more.

“Where am I?” She muttered.

“The hospital-“

The words registered in her mind and she shot up in bed, her hand reaching for her head, a searing pain rushing through, almost knocking her back against the pillows. She winced in pain and took a deep breath, lowering herself into the confines of the bed once again.

“Belle. How is she?”

“How are you?”

Marlena looked at John, assessing his face. She knew his look all too well. There was something he had to tell her, news he knew would crush her, and so he waited, thinking the longer he did, the easier it would be. She pushed herself up with her hands, reaching across to John, taking his hand in her own.

“Tell me,” she whispered. “Don’t do this. I know you’re keeping something from me.”

“Marlena, maybe now isn’t the time-“

“John! Stop it. She’s my daughter.”

John let out a sigh, getting up. Their hands still connected, in a bond that always seemed to remain, he sat down, gently pushing her hair behind her ear.

“When Belle was brought in, the doctors ran a bunch of different tests. Brady explained what had happened right before, how she had been acting, and after an hour, Dr. Carter came back with results from the tests run in Salem and the ones he had run here.”

He could feel her hand, gripping his tighter than she ever had. He squeezed back, wiping the tears that had gently begun to fall from her eyes.

“Belle has something called Myocardio-“

Marlena gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. She slowly removed it, her breath uneven and fast. “Myocarditis,” she whispered. “It’s, um, it’s the inflammation of the heart muscle. It can’t be that bad though, right? Since no symptoms were presented before this?”

“There were symptoms, symptoms that were ignored. Belle was living away from home. She was in college, she got sick. She thought it was the flu and so she didn’t go to the doctor, you know how much she hates them.”

“John, symptoms would have presented themselves like a heart attack. She wouldn’t have ignored that.”

John lowered his head, rubbing his finger over her thumb as a sense of comfort. “Apparently, she did. Her chest would hurt, it would be hard for her to breathe, but it passed, and so she figured it was due to her bout of the flu.”

“Oh God,” Marlena sobbed. She let go of John, rubbing both of her hands over her eyes. “This is my fault. I should have checked up on her, I should have reminded her to go to the doctor, I should have known.”

John moved closer, gathering her into his arms. She collapsed into his embrace, shaking violently from the tears wracking her body. He leaned down, his mouth close to her ear and gently rocked her, like she was a child.

“This isn’t your fault, sweetheart. You can’t blame yourself. Belle should have known to see a doctor. But she didn’t and we can’t go back there.”

Marlena breathed in deeply, disentangling herself from John’s arms. She looked up at him, her eyes vulnerable and lost. “What happens now? Did Dr. Carter put her on a donor list? Has it gone that far?”

He hadn’t answered her. He hadn’t needed too.

“John, what if she-“

John shook his head, grabbing her face in his hands. “Marlena, she’s not going to die.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“Yes, I can! Carter promised to get her on the list. There’s a bit of a wait, but he said she can stand it for the time being. She’s extremely strong, Marlena. She survived penicillin. She survived a head injury and a coma. She’s a fighter.”

“Because of you.”

“Because of us.”

“John, there is no us-“

“Marlena, there will always be an us because of our daughter. I know things haven’t been good between us but-“

“But Belle comes first, of course.” Marlena took a deep breath, leaning back up against the pillows. “So what do we do? Can we take her home?”

“Home as in Salem, no. Home as in the beach house, yes.”

Marlena nodded, closing her eyes. “I meant the beach house.”

“There is nothing we can do for her by keeping her in the hospital. Dr. Carter gave her some medication. She’ll still have spells, she won’t be full of energy, but she won’t always be like this. I called Salem and told Craig I was going to need that nurse here after all. She’ll be at the house by the time we bring Belle home in the morning.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No I think Belle-“

“Not for her. For you. You can play the hero and you can try to explain all of this with a straight face, but I know you. I know this is killing you.”

For the first time since he walked into the hospital that night, John allowed his guard to come down. She wasn’t one he needed to pretend in front of. In fact she was the only person he could ever fully be vulnerable with. He wiped his finger over his brown, shaking his head.

“When I watched them run all those tests on her I kept thinking of her when she was a child. How even before I knew she was my daughter, I loved her more than anything in this world. I kept remembering the nights she had a bad dream and would call out for me because I was able to defeat all monsters that lived under the bed. I remembered her first day of Kindergarten, where all I wanted to do was take her back home, but she said ‘Daddy, I’m okay, you can go now.’ I remember her first softball game, her first date, her first heartache, and her first love. And I remember seeing her at graduation where I finally realized my baby wasn’t a baby anymore. She was a beautiful, mature, amazing woman … she was you.”

Marlena smiled, wiping her tears. “We made a pretty great kid, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” John smiled, “we did.”

They sat, allowing the silence to tell their story. Every unspoken word was lingering between them, every emotion sat in their hearts. And in the dark room far away from home, it was the first time either of them had truly connected with the other in what seemed like years. John reached across the bed, taking Marlena’s hand in his, both of them silently praying that their daughter would be pull through this ordeal.

The rain had died down since the night before, now only a small drizzle dotting the soft golden sand. They had been home for a couple of hours now, all of them stunned by the news of Belle’s illness, most especially Marlena. She had come home, collapsing onto her bed in hysterics. John had tried to calm her but there was only so much she would allow him to do. And so now he sat on the beach alone, allowing the water to cleanse him, to free him. He leaned back on his hands, watching the waves roll and lap against the shore. His tears began to fall, mixing in with the soft drops of rain and for the first time John fully allowed himself to grieve. His body shook, cold and wet, and it wasn’t until he felt a soft hand on his shoulder that he was pulled back to the reality of where he was. He turned around, tears filling his dark blue eyes, staring up into the eyes of his ex wife. She sat down next to him, wrapping her arm tightly around his waist.

“You okay?” Marlena asked softly, wiping a trail of tears off of his cheek.

He turned to her, his nose touching her hair and John inhaled the sweet scent, needing something familiar, something that had never changed.

“Lilacs. I loved smelling like you after we had–” John blushed, turning back towards the ocean.

“I know.” Marlena smiled. “But stop avoiding my question.”

He turned to her again, lifting his hand so it touched the tip of her face. She allowed him this much. He needed that comfort again, they both did. “I always believed we were so fortunate. There were so many rough times, but in the end, I used to believe we had it all. We both had wonderful jobs and enough money that our children could get the best of everything, we loved each other more than most people could ever imagine, and we had amazing friends. Even when you and I split, I tried to believe I was fortunate enough for so many other things. But for what? Was I not thankful enough? Was I not a good father? Did I do something so wrong that God allowed our daughter to get sick?”

Marlena squeezed him a little tighter. “You didn’t do anything, John. You didn’t cause this. Nothing either of us did caused this. Do you even know what a good father you are?”

“Marlena–”

She held up her hand, signaling him to stop. “I never told you this, maybe because I was angry, maybe because it just hurt too much, but after you and I split, I overheard a conversation Belle was having with Brady. As you know, Brady was rather upset with things and he asked Belle if she felt the same way. Do you know what she said?”

“That I sucked for leaving her mother?”

Marlena found it in herself to laugh. “No. She told him that no matter what went on between us, he still had to remember that you were the best father any child ever could have asked for. That you would rearrange business meetings to see her play softball or cancel plans with the guys if Brady wanted to watch a game on TV. You may have failed a few times in life but never when it comes to fatherhood, just know that.”

“And our marriage? Did I fail that?” John asked, honestly.

“We failed that, John. It wasn’t something that happened because of either one of us alone. We just … I guess we just stop trying.”

“Do you even remember why? The fights aside, why did we give up?”

“I didn’t,” Marlena replied, softly, “not until you left.”

Neither of them spoke and as more time passed, the grip Marlena held on John’s waist loosened. By a few minutes later, she managed to shift her weight so she was sitting further away from him. The silence had started to make them both comfortable and John yawned, slicking his hair back with his hand.

“I’m hungry.”

“I didn’t eat the food you brought back for me last night. You can have it if you’d like.”

“What I’d like is to take you out to breakfast.”

Marlena laughed, turning away from John. “I don’t think so.”

“Why is that idea funny to you?” He asked, curiously.

She turned to look at him. “Are you serious? John, first of all, we can’t just leave Belle. Second of all, today is hard enough without having to spend the entire day with you. I think I’m going to have to pass.”

Marlena went to stand, when John grabbed her hand. “Please, don’t go.” She looked at him, seeing the vulnerability in his eyes and sat back down. “Look, I know today is a hard day. I know it’s a reminder of what we once had and for that I’m sorry. The truth is, I don’t want to be alone and I know you well enough to know that you don’t either. I promise, I won’t grope you.”

Marlena couldn’t help but smile. “I wasn’t all that worried about that. Like I said though, we can’t just leave Belle.”

“Marlena, she’s going to be knocked out all day. Dr. Carter gave her some pretty strong medication. I would never suggest leaving if I knew she’d be waking up soon.”

Marlena looked back towards the house and then at John. She bit her lower lip, not sure if she really wanted to spend the entire day with her ex-husband, especially a day which held so much meaning for both of them. But knowing she didn’t want to be alone to think about how miserable her life had become, she found herself agreeing.

“All right.” She held up her finger, pointing to him. “But we don’t stay out long and just breakfast, John. Nothing else.”

John held up both hands in surrender. “Nothing else. I promise.”

“So how was your fourth?” John asked, taking a bite of bacon from off of his plate.

They had been at Mel’s Drive In, a diner in Hollywood, for a little over an hour. After having checked on Belle numerous times, Marlena finally calmed herself down, allowing herself to enjoy her breakfast, as much as she could while sitting with John in an all too familiar setting.

“It was all right,” Marlena shrugged, “Brady and I drank a little before he went out with Caitlyn.” Marlena couldn’t help but laugh. “It was weird. Drinking with him, I mean. I raised him and here I am giving him alcohol. How was yours?”

“Not bad. Lyndsay and I …” John stopped, realizing just who he was talking to, however Marlena’s reaction surprised him. She nodded, almost waiting for him to continue. “We just went out to dinner and watched the fireworks.”

Marlena dipped her eggs into some ketchup. “Do you love her?” She asked, without looking at him.

“Do you really want to know?”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

John reached his hand across the table, placing it over hers. “Yes, I do love her. However, I’m not in love with her. There’s a difference. I’ve never been in love with anyone since you and I broke up.”

“But you’ve dated a lot?”

John sighed before answering. “Yes. I thought you knew that.”

“I did,” Marlena shrugged, “I just wanted to hear it from you for once. I don’t know how you do it, though. I don’t think I could get back into dating. All that will he kiss me, does he like me, will there be a second date stuff just makes me want to throw up. It amazes me you do it so much.”

John laughed. “It’s different for men.”

“Oh right,” Marlena winked, “it’s more like ‘Ok, it’s the third date. Time for sex.”

“That’s a lie by the way.”

“What is?”

“The third date thing.”

“First date?”

“When did you get so damn witty?”

“When I had to listen to my ex husband talk about dating. So John,
tell me about Lyndsay.”

“Why?” He asked curiously. “You can’t honestly want to hear about her.”

“We’re trying to make this friends thing work, right?” John nodded. “Well friends talk about their personal lives.”

“I still don’t think–”

“Come on, John, just tell me.”

John was reluctant for a moment and then sighed, taking a sip of lukewarm coffee. He knew never to mess with Marlena when she wanted something. “I met her when I went to visit Brady at school a few months back. She’s the mother of one of his friends and we got to talking. She’s a clothing designer in Chicago.”

“Divorced?”

“Widowed. Her husband died when their daughter was only five. She’s been on her own for a while but we seemed to have a lot in common. We went out on a date and things kind of took off from there.”

“How long have you been dating?” Marlena asked.

“About four and a half months.”

“Do the kids like her?”

“Brady knew her before I did. I think he liked her a lot more when I wasn’t dating her,” he responded, honestly. “It took a while for Belle to give her a chance. She hated the fact that she was lying to you and that Lyndsay wasn’t you. I think she likes her a little bit more now, but she’ll never be you.” John paused for a minute, unable to take his eyes off of Marlena. “No one ever will be.”

“But you miss her,” Marlena replied, ignoring his comment.

“Yes, I guess I do.”

Marlena nodded, throwing her napkin down on the table. “Thanks. For being honest about all of this. I really appreciate it.”

“Are you okay? I know it all must have been hard to hear.”

“Truthfully, over the years, I’ve heard a lot worse. You’ve been married a few times after me, John. Not this time around but with Kristen and Isabella. The thing I regret the most about our divorce as much as I don’t like to admit it is our friendship. I agree with you, I’d really like to have that back, especially now.”

John squeezed Marlena’s hand. “Me too.” He looked down at his watch and Marlena frowned.

“Do we need to be getting back? As much as I want to see Belle, I know she’ll be asleep for the rest of the day and I just don’t know if I’m ready to head back there.”

“So we won’t.”

“We kind of have too.”

“You just said Belle would be asleep for the rest of the day. So what’s a few hours?”

“Okay, what did you have in mind?”

John grabbed the check the waiter had put down only moments ago and stood up, reaching for Marlena’s hand. Taking her bag in one and grabbing his hand with the other, she stood as well.

“That, my dear, is a surprise. But I promise you, for one afternoon I will make you forget all of your worries.”

The heat was beginning to become a little too much as Marlena rolled down her window trying to get a brief gust of wind as the car rolled through Beverly Hills. She wasn’t in the mood to go shopping, a first for her, but she didn’t know how to break that to John, especially when he was trying to be so kind to her. Knowing she had to do something, she turned down the stereo in the car and turned to face him, looking almost guilty.

“I really appreciate this,” she began, “but I’m really not in the mood to go shopping, even if it is Rodeo Drive.”

John looked at her and laughed. “You thought I was taking you shopping? Come on, you know me better than that.”

“Okay, so where are we going?”

John turned onto Beverly Drive and pulled to a stop in front of Color Me Mine. Marlena looked at him in question. She wasn’t exactly artistic.

Able to read her mind after all of these years, John opened his door. “I know neither of us are all that great at art but I always hear how fun this place is. Besides, it will take your mind off of things for a little while.”

Marlena shrugged her shoulders. “Sure. Why not.” She got out of the car inhaling the sweet summer air and for a second couldn’t help but be grateful for all she had in the moment. Sure her daughter was sick, but maybe that age-old saying of things happening for a reason was true. She wanted to believe that, she had to believe that.

Following John inside the cute store, Marlena looked around, almost excited for the afternoon. She hadn’t done anything like this since, well ever, and now more than any other time in her life, she needed a little escape. Picking out a cute picture frame and colors fit for a little girl, Marlena walked to a table, John close behind.

“A plate?” Marlena asked.

“Yeah. Don’t ask questions. It’s a surprise,” he winked.

“You and your damn surprises.”



Hours later, they still sat there immersed in the artwork that had actually become amusing in the time they had been there. Although Marlena had checked on Belle several times, she began to relax when the nurse repeated yet again that Belle was asleep and comfortable. Dipping her brush into some pink paint, Marlena drew an L on the top of the frame, continued from the BE she had already drawn on. John looked up from his plate and stared at her for a moment. Knowing him all too well, she looked up, their eyes meeting.

“What?” She asked, her cheeks tinting in embarrassment.

John paused for a moment. His mouth opened and he quickly shut it, shaking his head. “Nevermind.”

“No, come on.”

“Do you wish she would have been Roman’s?”

Marlena dropped her brush into the water, unable to control the shock that had registered on her face. “Belle? Of course not. Where is this coming from?”

“I guess watching you check up on her, writing her name, gets me thinking. When you got pregnant with her you were so adamant about Roman being the father. You prayed and you wished so much that sometimes I can’t help but wonder, especially with all that has gone on between us lately.”

“Things were different then, John. I had already betrayed Roman as was, the guilt of knowing I was having someone else’s child was just too much for me to bear. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already had. So yes, I prayed and hoped he was Belle’s father but do I wish he had been? Do you really even need to ask me that?”

“You were so beautiful that night when you delivered her.”

Marlena laughed, rolling her eyes. “Oh yeah, I was gorgeous. My best look is that of a drowned rat.”

“I’m serious. It was like I knew Belle was mine. I breathed in every moment of that night. I can remember the smell of the woods when I walked into the cabin. I can recall the way you looked at me just so the pain could diminish just a little bit. I’ve never loved you so much.” He looked down at his plate and back up at her. “You never answered my question.”

“I didn’t think I needed too,” she replied, softly, “but if you want an answer, of course not. She’s yours John. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t seem convinced.”

“I don’t know honestly. You loved him a lot, Marlena. You went through great lengths to save your marriage, maybe more so than you did when it came to ours.”

“Circumstances were different, John. I didn’t try harder to save that marriage because I loved him more. I tried harder because as much as the rejection would hurt, I knew I would be able to handle it. With you …” She allowed herself to trail off for a moment, swirling some of her paint colors together. “With you it hurt a little too much. If we tried and it didn’t work, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. So I didn’t. I filed for divorce instead of attempting to work it out with you.”

John nodded, accepting her answer as best as he could. “I think we need to make a pact.”

“What kind of pact?”

“That our friendship is always going to come first. No matter what woman is in my life or what man is in your life, we don’t let the bond die like it has before. You’ve always been my best friend, Marlena and it’s about time we remember that. Agreed?”

Marlena couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, agreed.”

John picked up his brush getting it wet with paint. And on the center of the plate he wrote the binding words of their agreement. It might have been childish, she’d be the first to admit that, but there was something almost comforting about the statement. He held up the plate a few minutes later and she began to laugh.

In white, sloppy letters read their agreement, a best friend pact, that for the first time actually felt like it wouldn’t be broken.

Hands still wet from paint, John and Marlena walked out of Color Me Mine just after seven in the evening. Although uncomfortable being away from her daughter for so long, Marlena had enough reassurance that Belle was fine and would probably sleep through the rest of the night and because of that, she wasn’t ready to go home just yet. Although the house in Malibu was gorgeous, it was a constant reminder of why they were all there in the first place.

Able to read her every though, John looked at her and grabbed her hand as they walked to the car. “What should we do now?”

Marlena shrugged. “What is there to do?”

“It’s Los Angeles, there has to be something. Any suggestions?”

“I’d love to go to the beach, honestly. I don’t think there is anything more peaceful than the beach at night.”

“Do you want to go home?”

Marlena closed her eyes for a moment, inhaling the sweet summer air. “No. Not Malibu. Santa Monica, maybe? Marina Del Ray?”

They got into the car and without a word, John started the car, without a real destination in sight. He would pass beach after beach until finding the perfect one, until finding something that could take away their troubles for at least a few more hours. The day had been spent doing just that, but he knew night was a little different. Night allowed you to think about things that you tried so desperately to ignore. Night was the time when nothing could mask the pain and heartache of life.

The smell of salt water became strong and at the same time Marlena was about to stop him to pull over, John did so. She looked at him and smiled.

“You still know.”

Knowing what she meant, he smiled back. “I do.”

They got out of the car and walked onto the beach, the soft sand meshing between their bare feet. Marlena, finally free of all inhibitions, began to dance her way down to the shore, laughing. John caught up to her, grabbing her by the waist.

“What are you laughing at?” He grinned, thrilled to see her happy.

“I don’t know.” She spun around. “I just feel so …”

“Free?”

She turned around, the grip he had on her waist loosening only a little. “Yes, free.” She got out of his embrace, sitting down on the sand, pulling him down next to her. For the first time, Marlena really studied John. His blue eyes grinned back at her in the moonlight and she took his hand in her own. “Thank you.”

John nodded. “It wasn’t such a bad day, huh?”

“No. Surprisingly, it wasn’t.” Marlena looked out towards the ocean, closing her eyes as she allowed the soft winds to swallow her. “What do you miss the most about being married?”

John turned to her, surprised. Her eyes remained closed and he pulled a strand of her honey blonde hair behind her ear. She shivered under his touch, but remained still, waiting for him to answer.

“I miss laying in bed at night and talking, kind of like this. I miss that feeling of security that can only come with being married. You?”


“I miss the smell of you on my pillow.” She opened her eyes, but still didn’t face him, her eyes focused on the waves of the California surf. “It sounds so trivial, but for a long time, I couldn’t sleep without that smell. Gradually, I just got used to it, I guess. I still miss it sometimes though.”

“What does it smell like?”

Marlena smiled. “You. I can’t pinpoint an exact scent, but it smelled the strongest every time you got out of the shower. I loved that smell.”

“Want me to sleep with your pillow tonight?” John winked.

“No, thanks,” Marlena laughed. “I’m okay. But thank you for the offer.”

John picked up a handful of sand, letting it run through his fingers. “Can I be honest?”

“Sure.”

“It’s been a long time since we’ve been like this. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with the kids more than a couple of days at a time. I almost forgot what it felt like to sit up with Brady and watch the football game and goof off. I forgot what it felt like to be a family. As much as this situation sucks, I’m glad it got us back here. I’ve missed you, Doc.”

“I’ve missed you too,” she whispered.

They sat in silence for a moment, neither knowing exactly what to say. In moments like this, there were no words. Soon enough, John began to laugh and Marlena turned to him, eyes sparkling in the moonlight.

“Why are you laughing?”

“I was just remembering. Do you recall that night in Salem Place when I threw you over my shoulder and dragged you home?”

“Of course I remember. I was almost tempted to call the cops on you. I never could resist you though.” She blushed, recalling that night long ago. “That was when things were rough between Brady and I. It seems so long ago.”

“It was. It was another life. Another time. It almost seems better.”

“It wasn’t better,” Marlena sighed, “it’s one of the reasons we got divorced.”

“I know it is. He really blames himself for that.”

Marlena nodded. “I know he does. But it wasn’t about him, not for the most part. Besides, Brady knows I never held a grudge, especially after all we’ve been through together. He’s an amazing young man.”

“You raised him.”

“Maybe,” she said softly, “but he’s still your flesh and blood. He is you. And it makes me love him even more.”

“Funny. That’s how I feel about Belle.”

He turned towards her, pushing her hair behind her ears. He couldn’t help but stare at her in the moonlight; the way the moon and water illuminated her hair, her eyes sparkling and before he knew what he was doing, he leaned forward and allowed his lips to touch hers for the first time in years. She allowed him this, because she too was vulnerable after all the time spent together. Their lips, always meant for each other, hadn’t seemed to have forgotten the bond and they melded into the kiss, lost in something that needed to rediscovered.

John’s hand began to roam up Marlena’s leg when his phone rang. Realizing what they were getting themselves into and the consequences that would follow, they broke apart and John quickly grabbed his phone from his pocket, wiping his lips unconsciously.

“Hello? … Oh hey … She’s doing all right, I guess. She’s been sleeping the entire day … Yeah, I haven’t been home. I thought I would take Marlena out to get her mind off of things … She’s doing all right. I guess we’re both trying to manage … I will. I’ll call you within the next few days … Me too. Bye.”

John hung up his phone and turned towards Marlena, looking almost guilty. “Lyndsay sends her best. She hopes you’re doing all right.”

“That’s very sweet of her, thank you. She seems like a great woman, John. I’m happy for you.”

“That means a lot to me.”

Marlena looked down at her watch, shaking the sand off of her feet. “We should probably get going. It’s getting late.” She stood, holding out her hand for John. He took it and as they walked back to the car, neither of them let go. They both knew it was wrong, but tonight of all nights, it just felt right.

Reaching the car, Marlena squeezed his hand a little tighter before letting go. “Happy Anniversary, John.”

“Happy Anniversary, Doc,” he whispered.
In the darkness of his bedroom, John sat flipping through the endless amounts of channels. At two-thirty in the morning, there was nothing on except for a few infomercials and some lousy late night movies. Finally settling on an old episode of ER, John leaned back against his pillows thinking about all the evening had entailed. He hadn’t expected to get so close to Marlena again and the feelings within him, as much as he tried to deny it, were rising once again.

He closed his eyes when a knock on the door startled him. He hadn’t realized anyone else had been awake this late. “Come in!”

The door opened and Brady stepped inside the room, his shadow illuminated by the fluorescent lights of the television. Surprised to see his son, John threw his legs over the side of the bed, inviting Brady into the room.

“What are you doing up?”

Brady shrugged his shoulders, sitting down beside his father. “Couldn’t sleep, I guess. How about you?”

“Same. I’m not all that tired. How was your afternoon? Did Belle awake at all?”

“Not really. She was up for a few minutes every hour, but she was pretty knocked out. How was your afternoon with Mom? I have to admit, I’m surprised the two of you managed to be in each other’s company all day without killing the other.”

John laughed. It had surprised him too. “It was different. It was like we were married again. It was like nothing ever changed.”

“But things did change. May I be personal for a moment?”

“Of course. What’s up?”

“Did you kiss her?”

John paused for a moment, unsure of how to answer Brady’s question. He knew the answer of course, but was it something he really wanted to admit? He pulled his feet back onto the bed and leaned into the comforter. But when he didn’t answer Brady knew.

“You can’t do this to her,” he said, softly.

“I know–”

“No,” Brady replied, firmly, “you don’t. Dad, I watched her after you left. I saw how much it killed her. It took her a long time to pull herself back up. Being out here is weird for all of us, especially the two of you. Your only child together is sick and because of that the two of you are forming a bond that once existed. But in the end, when we all go back to Salem and Belle is fine, you’re going home to Lyndsay and Marlena is going to end up alone and hurt.”

“I’d never intentionally hurt her.”

“Of course you wouldn’t. I know that. But someone is going to end up getting upset when we all leave here and I don’t think it will end up being you.”

John glanced at the television, wanting to say more, yet not knowing if he should. Brady, while always a good friend, was still his son. There were supposed to be boundaries, although with Brady there never really seemed to be. And for the second time that night, Brady knew his father even without words.

“There’s more.”

John smiled. “It’s sad how well you know me sometimes.”

“I also bet I know what you want to say. You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”

“Have I ever really stopped?”

“No. There is nothing you can do about it though. Not unless you break up with Lyndsay and to be quite honest, I don’t think you’re prepared for that. I don’t think you’re willing to hurt her to fall back into a relationship that didn’t end up working. Are you?”

And in that question, John realized just how little he knew about what he wanted.

At around six the next morning, unable to sleep, Marlena tied the laces on her sneakers and jogged out onto the beach. One of the things she loved about Malibu was the fact that she could get up and go running on the beach. There was something sensual about it, something about the solace it seemed to provide.

Within minutes she was at a steady pace, freeing her mind of all miserable thoughts. Instead she felt liberated as the wind whipped her ponytail behind her, following her as she stripped free of all her inhibitions.

Miles into her jog, as she began to near the house again, she turned beside her and saw a young man, only about five years older than Brady, next to her, smiling. She blushed and as she sped up, he matched her pace.

“I’m Nick.” He extended his hand towards her as he slowed. She slowed down a bit and reluctantly put her hand in his own. “And you are?”

“Old enough to be your mother.”

Nick laughed, slicking his blonde hair back with his hand. “Oh I doubt that. Come on, at least give me a name.”

His grin was so adorable that she found herself smiling. Which in turn only made her blush more. “Marlena.”

“Married, Marlena?”

Marlena laughed. “Well isn’t that a bit personal for a stranger?”

“You never answered my question.”

“It’s really none of your business.” Marlena began to quicken her pace once more, dashing ahead of him. She turned around and noticed him watching after her. She just laughed again, allowing her next words to mix in with the wind and her laughter. “See you around the sandbox, Nick.”

Days had passed since Marlena’s encounter with Nick on the beach and while she had kept occupied, she couldn’t help but continue to think about him. She wasn’t sure what it was; if it was the way he had seemed so confident and casual around her or his gorgeous sapphire eyes or even the fact that she hadn’t had sex in quite a long time. Either way, she had continued to jog the same path every day since then, never coming across Nick again. She knew it was silly, after all, the boy was half her age, but it had been so long since she felt desired that more than anything it was an ego boost.

Marlena checked her watch as she jogged down the stairs, not expecting anyway else to be awake so early in the morning. But to her surprise, John sat at the kitchen table, flipping through the paper. He looked up when she walked into the room, surprised himself, and smiled.

“I thought I was the only one up at this hour.”

“Me too,” she responded, walking to the fridge. She pulled out a carton of orange juice and poured herself a glass. “I was just about to go for a run.”

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately.”

“Have I?” She answered, nonchalantly. She sat down at the table next to him. “I guess it’s just a nice release. Have you been sleeping at all?”

“Not really. I guess my pillow doesn’t smell like you,” he teased.

“Ooh, aren’t we witty this morning.” She looked up at him with concern. “I can prescribe you something if you want.”

“I’m fine.”

Marlena took a sip of her juice. “It’s me, John. We might not have been together for a while, but I still know you.”

He sighed. “I hate that.”

She grinned at him. “I know. Look, no pressure, but if you need something to help you sleep, let me know.”

“Thanks.”

After a few moments of silence, John went back to reading the paper. Looking around the cluttered table, she noticed a DVD sitting there. She picked it up and stared at it for a moment before turning back to John.

“When did you rent Eternal Sunshine?”

John looked up from his paper. “Brady rented it yesterday. It’s pretty good. Have you seen it?”

“Yeah, when it came out. The idea intrigued me.”

John didn’t answer her, he wasn’t exactly sure how. He knew how hard things had been when they had slit up and he often wondered if she had regretted marrying him in the first place. He often wondered if she would have done exactly what Kate Winslet had done in the movie. And just like always, she was able to read his thoughts.

“Would you have done it? Get rid of the memories if you could.”

“Would you?” John challenged.

“Honestly, I went to see the movie because it was what I wanted most. You and I had been apart for a few months by then and I was still a mess. I was warned away from seeing it, but I just had to know. Of course it was only a movie, but I was curious what it would be like if it was possible.”

“And?”

“And I think, even if I did, you and I would have found our way back to each other and I don’t even mean romantically. I just realized that for all the bad memories, there are so many good ones. I think I stopped hating you after I saw that movie. There are just too many things I love about you that I would never want to forget.” John smiled at her, reaching out to touch her hand. “So now answer me. Would you?”

“I thought about the possibility but no. I’ll always love you. No sense in denying that.”

Marlena gave him a small smile, pulling her hand from his grasp. She checked her watch again and pulled her chair out. “I’m going for a run. Try to get some rest.” She stood up and kissed the top of his head. “And do me a favor. Take out the garbage, it’s starting to stink in here.”

Halfway through her route, Marlena slowed jogging to a quick walk. She couldn’t stop thinking about the thoughts of Eternal Sunshine. She couldn’t stop thinking about the possibilities of erasing all bad memories in relationships. There had been many for her in the past and she wondered who she would be had none of those men existed. Each male in her life had taught her something new, including Scott Forbes, her boyfriend freshman year in college who taught her that a bong was more powerful than a joint. Well, maybe not him.

She sat down on the beach, her breathing becoming normal once again. The sand meshed between her toes and she leaned back, watching the waves dance across the shore. And as she let the sun wash over her, she heard someone beside her. She opened her eyes, surprised to see Nick beside her. This wasn’t like her. Not even close.

“Stalking me?” She grinned.

“Hello, Marlena.” He smiled back. “And the answer is no. I happen to live right up there.” He turned around pointing to a large beach house just behind them. “Technically, you’re on my turf.”

“I apologize. So tell me Nick, just how old are you?”

“How old do you think I am?”

“Twelve?”

“Close, but no. I’m thirty-five.”

Marlena just nodded, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear. “So I’m a lot older than you. Tell me, are you even out of college?” Marlena asked sarcastically.

“I’m thirty five, I would sure as hell hope so. What is it that you do, Marlena?”

“I’m a doctor and a mother. How about yourself?”

Nick nodded in admiration. “Oh, you know, I just hang around like a bum, since I’m such a child. So you’re a mother? I guess that answers my question on if you’re married or not.”

“Welcome to the 21st century,” Marlena responded, “where almost all of civilization is divorced.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. How old are your kids?”

“Which ones,” Marlena couldn’t help but laugh. “Isabella is my youngest, she’s eighteen. Then there’s Brady, he’s twenty. Sami and Eric, twins, are twenty-nine. And Carrie is thirty-three. Only two years younger than you.”

“You look way too young to have a thirty-three year old daughter.”

“Let me ask you something, Nick,” Marlena said, turning to face him, “why me? You don’t know anything about me. If you did, you probably wouldn’t be interested. I’m not sure why you are.”

Nick turned around, pointing back to his house. “Do you see that window? The one just off to the right?”

Marlena looked at where he was pointing and shrugged. “Yeah. So what?”

“The day before I came out onto the beach, I saw you. You were jogging and you stopped, right about here if I remember correctly. It was early, so early that the sun hadn’t even risen yet. You just stopped and sat down, looking as if you had the world on your shoulders and just wanted some release. You stayed like that until the sun rose. You looked so peaceful and innocent. Not to mention, beautiful. It was as if you thought all of the answers to your problems were in the ocean, like every new wave was a start of freedom.” Nick looked at her in embarrassment. “Now you must really think I’m a stalker.”

“Actually, I think what you said is quite true and beautiful. Thank you.” Marlena couldn’t help but smile. “And maybe a little stalkerish.”

“Have dinner with me.”

The question startled Marlena so much that she merely stared at him for a minute or so. “I … I can’t. I’m really flattered, but things are … hard for me right now. Thank you, though. I’ll see you around.”

She stood up, wiping the sand off of her and looked at Nick one last time before turning around to leave. She began to jog off, but she could still hear Nick behind her, shouting to her through the wind. “You will say yes to me at some point.”

She didn’t even realize that the tears had already begun to fall. “No, I won’t,” she muttered to herself, “life is just too complicated.”

Morning sunlight peaked through the windows in Belle’s bedroom, causing her to stir from sleep. She had been in bed for nearly twenty-four hours and while she used to love those days of sleeping in and being lazy, she wanted nothing more than to get up and walk around, even if it was in the house her family was occupying for the summer.

She sat up, her head spinning for a moment, but nevertheless, got herself out of bed. With a tug of the hand, Belle pulled the drapes open, breathing a sigh of relief at the view. She had always loved the beach, despite the lack of time she had spent there growing up. Like her mother, she found the beach calming and relaxing, able to ease all troubles and all worries. The bright sun blasted her eyes and for a moment, Belle felt as if she would pass out. Moving back to the bed, she collapsed underneath her covers, her eyes never leaving the soft morning surf.

Thinking of all life had taken away from her and given back in the past few weeks, Belle wasn’t sure if it was for the better or worse. Sure, her parents were getting along, for the first time in a long time, but as Belle thought about her condition, the tears began to pool in her cobalt eyes. She had never imagined a heart transplant would be in her summer plans. She had never realized how quickly life could actually change.

Belle closed her eyes, allowing the tears to leak onto her cheeks, soft and warm. Lost in her own thoughts, she hadn’t realized the door to her bedroom had opened. And when she opened them, she saw her mother at the window, about to close the shades.

“Keep them open.”

Marlena turned around, surprised to see her daughter awake. She moved away from the window and sat down on her daughter’s bed, stroking her long golden hair.

“I didn’t realize you were awake. How are you feeling, baby?”

“I’m okay. A little dizzy, but I think that’s just the medication wearing off. I’m hoping to get out of bed today. Maybe sit down by the beach. What are you doing?”

“Your daddy and I are going to Cedars-Sinai. We heard about a wonderful cardiologist who works there. He’s supposed to be one of the best in the country.” Marlena looked Belle in the eyes. “We’re going to do whatever we can for you, sweetheart. You’re going to be just fine.”

Knowing if she said a word, the tears would fall again, Belle just nodded. “Would you mind if I came?”

“Are you up for that? I think it might be best if you stay in bed.”

Belle rolled her eyes, pushing herself up on her elbows. “I can’t stay in bed for the rest of my life. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? I’ll be in a hospital.”

Marlena smiled. She did have a point. “All right. We were planning to leave in about an hour or so. Are you okay to shower and everything?”

“I’m not an invalid, Mom. I’m fine.”

Marlena ignored her daughter’s comment and kissed her forehead with ease. “Call if you need anything. I love you.”

“1996 horror film starring Courteney Cox,” Marlena said, as she looked up from the crossword puzzle in People magazine. “Six letters.”

John put down his paper, leaning over towards Marlena to see the magazine. His smell invaded her senses and Marlena closed her eyes for a moment, allowing his scent to overpower her. “Malice?”

Marlena laughed. “That’s Nicole Kidman and definitely not 96.”

“Well, aren’t you smart,” John teased. He moved his chair an inch closer to her. “I never understood why you did these puzzles. Like okay, take this one for instance,” John said pointing to one of the questions. “Lead singer of Goo Goo Dolls. Who the hell knows that?”

“Johnny Reznick.” John looked at Marlena, eyebrow raised. “I have a teenage daughter. John, let me ask you something. Do you even know who Britney Spears is?”

“Is she the genie in a bottle?”

Marlena burst out laughing, rubbing her hand on his thigh. “I have so much to teach you. After the doctor’s appointment, you and I have a date and I am going to teach you all about teenage culture in 2004.”

“Do I really have to learn about this? Belle is nearly twenty. Shouldn’t she be out of this phase already?” John asked, hopeful.

“Out of what phase?” Belle walked into the kitchen, dressed in a Juicy velour sweatsuit. Marlena, who hadn’t seen her daughter out of bed for almost two days, looked surprised when her eyes fell upon her daughter. She looked paler than usual, her average frame smaller that Marlena remembered. She took a deep breath and stood up.

“Your father wants you to stop being a teenager so he doesn’t have to learn about Britney Spears.”

Belle walked over to John and kissed the top of his head, whispering words that no one but herself heard. “Let’s just hope I make it that long.”

Marlena sat in the doctor’s office, wrapping her sweater around her. She hated doctor’s offices, ironic, since she herself was one. There was something fatal about this office though. A reminder that this wasn’t a vacation, it was a reality. Marlena was about to turn to Belle to ask her a question when she heard the door behind her opening. She didn’t know what to expect of this doctor, apparently, he was the best, and the best usually meant the toughest.

“Hi, Dr. and Mr. Black, I’m–“

“Nick!” Marlena exclaimed, for the first time noticing just who Belle’s doctor was.

“Marlena!”

John looked back and forth between Nick and Marlena, confused. “You two know each other?”

“Nick and I …” Marlena paused for a moment. What were she and Nick? “We’ve met up jogging before.” She turned back to Nick. “Nick, this is my ex husband, John, and my daughter, Belle.”

Nick rolled his chair over to Belle, suddenly ignoring both John and Marlena, and held out his hand to her. “You must be pretty freaked, huh?”

Belle cracked a smile. “A bit.”

Nick turned to both Marlena and John with an apologetic smile. “Do you mind if I speak to Belle alone for a few minutes? I like to speak to potential patients before anything else.”

John nodded. “Marlena and I will be right outside.”

“So that’s why you’re going jogging so much, huh?” John inquired, when they had gotten into the hallway. “He’s a little young, Marlena, don’t you think?”

“I’ve been going jogging because it releases stress.” It was half true anyway. “Besides, whoever said I was going out with him?”

“He’s interested,” John mused, sitting down.

Marlena couldn’t help but smile. “Shush. ” They sat in silence for a moment, until Marlena turned to John, smiling. “You think he likes me?”

John looked at her not amused. “So, tell me about this Britney Spears.”

“There is a lot that can be done,” Nick concluded, “and while Belle is on the donor list, it might take a while for a heart to come in, especially because of her placement on the list. But you will be surprised about the energy she has most days, however, there are the bad days, which you will have to be prepared for. I am sure you know to handle those times plus Belle tells me you have a nurse living with you for the summer. Other than that, I’d like to meet with you all every week or so just to check on Belle’s condition. Sound good?”

“Thanks, Nick,” Marlena smiled, much to John’s dismay. “I really appreciate this.”

Marlena stood, followed by John and Belle. Nick held out his hand to John and John took it, although reluctantly. “Thanks, Dr. Jensen,” John muttered.

“Nick, please.” He gazed at Marlena for a moment before speaking once again. “Marlena, would you mind if I spoke to you in private for a moment?”

John stared daggers at Nick and Belle just smiled, taking her father’s arm in her own. “Come on, Dad, I’m a little dizzy, let’s go get some water in the cafeteria.”

Belle dragged John out of the room, much to his dismay, and Nick placed his hand on Marlena’s shoulder. “You have a great daughter, now I think your ex husband might have some problems with me.”

“His ego is hurt. I really should get going though–“

“Dinner with me. Tonight. I understand your life is complicated, now more than ever with Belle–“

“Speaking of, why didn’t you tell me you were a doctor?”

“Oh,” Nick grinned, “I didn’t want to show you up.”

Marlena laughed. “I still don’t think dinner is a great idea. I should be with Belle right now.”

“Belle told me you need to stop worrying so much. One date. If you can’t stand me by the end of the night, then I will stop harassing you, I promise. Besides, do you really want to turn down a free meal with a handsome doctor?” Nick winked at her and despite her best efforts, Marlena felt herself giving in.

“One date, Nick. And it’s not a date. It’s … dinner.”

Nick smirked. “Okay, it’s dinner. Seven-thirty?”

“Seven-thirty is fine. See you then.”

Marlena reached the cafeteria, moments later and found Belle sitting at a table alone sipping water. When Marlena sat down, Belle’s eyes twinkled with questions.

“Where’s your father?”

“He went to the bathroom. So? What just happened in there? He totally likes you, Mom. When you and Dad left the office for a minute, he was asking me all these conditions about how I felt, but he was inquiring about you a lot. It was like he was trying to incorporate you into everything I said. He’s really cute, by the way.”

“He is, isn’t he?” She buried her head in her hands and then looked up at her daughter, as if she were just asked out on her first date. “I can’t do this. I can’t date your doctor.”

Belle saw John approaching and stood up, but not before leaning down to whisper in her mother’s ear. “You can at least give it a shot.”

Marlena stared at herself in the mirror, face sans makeup, and collapsed in her vanity chair. The lines under her eyes were deeper than she last remembered, most likely the result of dealing with her sick daughter, and without makeup, she looked older than her years. John had always told her how gorgeous she was without it all, but she couldn’t believe him, not as she stared at herself with self doubt. She hadn’t been on a date since before her children were born and dating a younger man didn’t control her nerves any.

Marlena stood up and walked down the hall, into her daughter’s bedroom. Belle looked up from the television, eyeing her mother clad only in a silk robe.

“Wearing that on your date tonight?” Belle teased.

Marlena sat down on Belle’s bed, leaning her head on her daughter’s shoulder. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can.” Belle wrapped her fingers in her mother’s hair, as though their roles had been reversed and Belle was the mother comforting her child. “Look, it’s just dinner. He really likes you, Mom, and you might as well try to have a little fun. Have you told Dad yet about this little date of yours?”

“No. It’s not really his business. Besides, he’s out with Brady. Hopefully by the time they get back, I’ll be gone.”

“And where do I tell him you are? I won’t lie to him.”

“I wasn’t going to ask you too.” Marlena paused for a moment, unsure if she should continue this conversation with her daughter. But Belle, always wise beyond her years, especially now, was the one shoulder she had to lean on out in a world where her friends were 3000 miles away and her sanity seemingly further than that. “Maybe tonight isn’t a good night.”

Belle shrugged her shoulders, gazing at her mother with heartfelt eyes. “If you’re not ready, don’t go. But it’s all right to date, even if he happens to be a little young.”

“It doesn’t bother you? At all?”

“It bothers me that you and Dad aren’t together. It bothered me when Dad started to date Lyndsay, but the truth is, in the past few weeks I’ve learned that life is short and you never know when, where, or how it’s going to end. You have to do what feels right.”

Marlena smiled, kissing the crown of her daughter’s head. “You sound so much like a shrink.”

Belle cracked a grin. “Yeah, I must have learned from the best.”

Her fingers shook as she started to dial his number, trepidation running through her already tense body. She hadn’t canceled a date since her senior year in college and even then she hated to disappoint anyone. Quickly pushing the last digit, Marlena held her breath waiting for Nick to answer the phone. And within moments, his machine picked up and Marlena let out a small sigh of relief.

“Nick.” Her voice came out cracked and she closed her eyes, wincing in embarrassment. “Nick, this is Marlena. I know this is short notice and I apologize but things have come up in the house that I just can’t get out of.” She paused for a moment, hating the lies coming from her mouth. “I apologize again and I’ll speak to you soon … about Belle. Bye.”

Marlena quickly hung up the phone, throwing herself against her pillows. “Some things never change,” she mumbled, turning on her television in hopes of drowning out all thoughts.

“I don’t understand how you guys can like this stuff,” John said, leaning up against the back of the couch.

The four of them sat in the living room watching The OC on DVD and John, who had attempted to watch it, couldn’t help but be bored. He turned towards Marlena, who was engrossed in the nighttime drama. He nudged her and Marlena grinned, slapping his hand away.

“I’m not a guy. Besides, it’s so entertaining. That Adam Brody boy is cute.”

Belle rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her water. “You did not just say that. You really do like them young.”

Marlena shot Belle a look and lightly kicked her with her toe.

“What does that mean?” John asked, confused.

“Nothing,” Marlena replied, tersely. “Nothing at all.”

Still uncomfortable and uneasy from Belle’s comment, Marlena jumped at the sound of the doorbell. Quickly standing, she reached for her glass. “I’ll get it.”

“I can do it,” John responded, “you at least enjoy this program.”

“No, it’s okay.” Marlena held up her glass. “Need another drink anyway. Can I get anyone anything?”

Belle and Brady, both immersed in the events of Orange County, just shook their heads.

“I’m okay, but thanks.”

Marlena walked quickly into the kitchen, dropping her glass onto the counter. She couldn’t imagine who would be at her door, especially since she didn’t know much of anyone in Los Angeles. She swung open the door and upon seeing who was on the other end, Marlena blushed, deep crimson. Dressed in a pair of sweatpants with her hair tied up in a ponytail, she never expected to see her potential date at her front door.

“Nick!” Marlena exclaimed, sub consciously pulling her hair out of its holder. “What are you doing here?”

“You said some things came up. I wanted to make sure Belle was doing okay.” Nick smiled. “Actually, I wanted to see why you really stood me up.”

“I didn’t stand you up. I just … I have a family, Nick. I had to take care of things here.”

“Marlena?” John called through the house. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back in a minute.”

Marlena opened the door further and walked outside, closing the door closed behind her.

“Can I ask you something personal?”

Marlena nodded. “I guess.”

“Are you hoping you’ll get back with your ex husband? Is that why you canceled on me?”
“That’s really none of your business, Nick.”

Nick nodded, not at all surprised with her answer. “I just want to tell you something before I leave. I have no ill fated intentions for you. I’m a little young, yes, but believe it or not, I’m a lot more mature than you want to believe. We’re in the same line of work and while I have never had kids, I have worked with many of them before. I’m done pleading my case, though. If you ever want to grab dinner or something, then please, give me a call. Otherwise I’ll just see you at Belle’s next appointment.”

Nick started to walk down the steps and onto the beach when Marlena took a step forward. “Wait!” Nick turned around, eyes questioning her motives. She walked down the steps and stood in front of him, her mouth dry. “Let me just get dressed, I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

Clothes were thrown across the entire room as Marlena pulled yet another outfit out of her closet. She had no idea what to wear. She didn’t know the difference between casual and cute or professional and maybe a little more uptight. As she threw another blouse into the air, she had no idea that John had entered the room until he grunted. She turned towards the door and saw a silk Anne Taylor blouse draped over his head. Marlena laughed and when she realized she was clad only in a bra, she quickly pulled a shirt in front of her to cover up.

“I’ve seen it all before, no need to cover up,” John said, throwing her blouse back onto the bed. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”

Marlena turned away from him, suddenly immersed in her closet once again. “I’m going out.”

“With Dr. Jensen?”

“Yes.”

Finding a casual T-shirt and a pair of jeans, Marlena quickly slipped into the clothes, ignoring John’s presence. Nick had been outside for minutes now and she didn’t want to keep him waiting longer than necessary.

“He asked you out?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

Marlena spun around and couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re joking, right?”

John stared at her, stone faced. “No.”

“So basically what you’re saying is that you can have a girlfriend but when a man shows interest in me, I can’t go out on a date?”

“My girlfriend isn’t the same age as my eldest daughter.”

“Don’t do this, John,” Marlena responded annoyed as she slipped on a pair of pumps. “It’s not your business anymore.”

“It’s my business when it affects my children.”

“But it doesn’t!” Marlena exploded. “It doesn’t bother them. This is about you, John! This is about your ego. Did you want me to stay single for the rest of my life? Did you want me to waste away wishing and hoping you’d come back to me? I’m sick and tired of living my life for you. I’m going, John. I’m sorry if that disappoints you or angers you, but I’m going.”

She grabbed her bag off of the bed and jogged down the stairs, wanting nothing more than to forget all about John Black.

Shadows of waves from the beach outside danced across John’s bedroom walls, graceful and filled with peace, a feeling which he didn’t have much of tonight. He had let things get out of control when finding out Marlena had accepted a date with Belle’s doctor and while he wanted to protect her, it came out more as jealously than anything else. It was something he regretted, especially since she was now out on a date with a man he really knew nothing about and he felt more like an over protective father than anything else.

With a deep sigh, John took a long sip of the Scotch he had poured moments earlier. The smooth copper liquid slid down his throat and he savored the bitter taste, allowing the liquor to warm his stomach. He put the glass down on the bedside table and closed his eyes, unable to help the memories of Marlena flash in his mind. Holidays, dates, romantic evenings, reminded him of his former life and he almost had to smile. Transferred out of his thoughts by a knock at the door, John opened his eyes.

“Come in.”

Brady walked into the room, a silhouette against the hallway light. He squinted and without effort, flipped on the bedroom light. John moaned, shielding his eyes for only a moment before staring at his son with what could only be a look of guilt.

Brady gave his father a small smile and sat down on the bed, patting John on the back. “That was some argument you had with Mom. You could have been a little kinder, you know.”
“I know.” John picked up his glass, taking another drink.

“Okay.” Brady, feeling out of sorts, stood up, knowing his father needed a little time on his own. He walked to the door, turning off the light. “Well, if you need anything–“

“Do you think I was wrong?” John asked, staring straight ahead.

Brady turned around and stared at John in the little light that the moonlight and hallway provided. He hadn’t seen his father look as concerned about his former wife since Marlena’s suicide attempt a year ago and Brady almost felt bad for him. He had always known how much John loved Marlena and despite his girlfriend, he knew that a younger man pursuing his ex wife was like a knife wound to the heart.

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

“I take that as a yes.”

“I never said that,” Brady replied honestly, “but I don’t think she deserved that. Why does it even bother you so much when you have Lyndsay?”

“You never really get over old loves, no matter how many years pass by. What I wanted to tell Marlena was to be careful. I know how much I hurt her and I want her to be careful with this guy. He could take advantage of her for all I know but instead of protecting her, I became an irate ex lover.” John took a deep breath and turned Brady, attempting a small smile. “What are you and Belle up too? Still watching The OC?”

“No, Belle got bored of it, so she turned on Melrose.” Brady rolled his eyes. “Some chick is about to blow up a building or something because the man in her head told her too. Soap operas!”

John’s entire body stiffened and he robotically reached for the glass beside him.

“Did I say something wrong?”

It took John a moment to answer. “Oh. No. I was just … thinking.” John placed the glass back down and undid the covers a bit. “I think I’m going to head to bed, if that’s all right.”

“Sure. I’ll just Belle you said goodnight.”

“Thanks.”

John rolled over to his side, able to feel Brady’s eyes cast on his back. He needed to be alone right now and while he enjoyed the company of his kids immensely, he needed time to think. In a moment, the door closed and John sat back up, flipping through the television guide. He turned on the TV and started to watch Melrose, a reminder of his marriage. A reminder of her.
“Where are you taking me?” Marlena squirmed in the front seat of Nick’s Jaguar, pulling at the blindfold with her hands. “For a first date, this isn’t all that amusing. How do I know you’re not kidnapping me or something?”

Nick couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled into an empty parking lot. “You can take the blindfold off if you’d like. You just seem like the kind of woman who enjoys a surprise or two. Besides, we’re here.”

Marlena tugged the blindfold off, but instead of looking at her surroundings, she instead turned to Nick. Hazel gazed into green, a gorgeous sapphire shade of sea. She bit down on her lip only slightly. “I hate surprises.” She looked past Nick out into where they were. Past the sand, past the empty lot which seemed almost scary in the night, Marlena noticed the pier. Although the place was empty, lights burned and music, which could barely be heard in the silence of the car, sang. Marlena smiled. “I think this place is closed.”

Nick opened his car door and walked to the other side of the car to open Marlena’s door. He held out his hand to her and she took it, able to hear the music a little clearer. The Rolling Stones played in the darkness and she couldn’t help but smile again at her favorite band.

“It is closed. My brother in law helps manage this place. When I’m trying to impress a woman, he lets me come here when it’s closed.”

“Oh so you come here with women a lot?” Marlena inquired, as they began to walk towards the pier.

“Of course. What woman could resist this?”

Marlena noticed the tease in his voice and just nodded. “I like the music. How’d you know I loved The Stones?”

“I didn’t. I just think you’re crazy if you don’t. Looks like you’re pretty sane.”

“Then you truly don’t me know me yet.”

“No.” Nick paused. “But I’d like too.”

Two hours, four roller coaster rides, six skee ball games, and a picnic later, Marlena and Nick sat at one of the tables, sharing a bucket of popcorn. She had started to ease up a little, able to enjoy this man’s company, despite the argument with John still raging in her head. She had never really looked at Nick before, not like she had tonight. Upon meeting she had noticed his looks, it was hard not too, but there were things she had missed. Like the small scar above his mouth that seemed to kiss his lip every time he spoke. Or the streaks of light blonde in his already blonde hair. Or the way his green eyes danced when he spoke of his work, much like she herself. She could feel herself wanting to fall for this man, while on the other hand, she felt herself wanting to pull away to save herself from any hurt another man could cause her.

“So tell me about Belle. She seems like a wonderful girl.”

“She is. She just graduated from high school, she’s starting Columbia in the fall. She was captain of the cheerleading squad and played softball for a long time. She’s generous and caring and has always been much older than years. Especially now.”

Nick reached his hand out to hers, touching it lightly. She looked into his eyes, baring her soul.

“Are you scared?”

“Wouldn’t you be?”

“I would. But Belle is also in capable hands, if I do say so myself. Marlena, I’ve only lost one patient in three years, I promise you she won’t be one of them.”

“As a doctor, you should know never to make a promise you can’t keep.” Wanting to change the subject, Marlena took a sip of her coffee, allowing it to warm her in the surprisingly cool July night. “You’re one of the most world renowned heart surgeons and you’re only thirty-five. You got there quite fast.”

“I skipped a year in high school and a year in college. I was always in a rush to get somewhere. It’s almost ironic I chose med school.”

“I’m impressed. So why a doctor?”

Nick turned away from Marlena, gazing out into the deep abyss of the ocean. “It’s not important.”

“Okay.” Marlena knew when to not push an issues. She had many of her own secrets to hide. “So Nick, where are you from?”

“Malibu.” He turned back to her, amazed at her beauty in the moonlight. He had been around women all his life: some older, some younger, some his own age, but no one as beautiful as Marlena. Hazel shimmered in the moon, blonde hair falling loosely on her shoulders. He almost couldn’t speak for a minute, captivated by her. “I was never able to leave, I never wanted too. There’s something about Malibu that is so peaceful. It’s a nice place to be after long shifts at the hospital. I read on Belle’s chart that you’re from Salem. Were you on vacation when Belle got sick?”

“No. John and Belle both thought it would be good to get away from everyday life once we realized she was sick.”

“So you’re still close with John?” Nick asked, curiously.

“I guess we are now. We didn’t speak much in the year we were divorced. When Belle got sick, things just changed. We were forced into a house together and made it work. And that’s about all there is to it.” Of course there was more, but she didn’t know him well enough to discuss it. She didn’t want to discuss it.

Nick nodded and then gazed down at his watch. “How about another game of skee ball before we get out of here? It’s getting late.”

“Sure.” Marlena stood up, dumping her coffee cup into the garbage can. “Be prepared to lose. Again.”

Nick laughed, walking behind her. “I let you win, you know.”

“Sure you did.”

“You still owe me twenty dollars,” Marlena laughed, digging her feet into the sand, outside of her beach house. “I kicked your butt fair and square.”

Nick stopped for a moment, pulling Marlena to a stop as well, gazing into her eyes. “How about you go to dinner with me tomorrow. A real date.”

Marlena gazed at him, suddenly feeling like a child with her first crush. “I thought this was a date.”

“Prelude to a date. How about a real one?”

Without much hesitation, Marlena nodded. “All right. I guess that can work. Thank you for tonight. I really needed it.”

“It was my pleasure.” Nick took her hand gently in his, kissing it lightly. “I meant what I said, Marlena. I’ll do anything I can for Belle.” For you, he wanted to say, but couldn’t find the words to do so. He leaned down and kissed her cheek softly, sweeping his other hand across her cheek. “Goodnight Marlena.”

He let go and stared at her for a long moment before turning to walk away, fading against the moonlight the further he walked. Marlena stood watching him, her heart beating loudly in her chest, unable to move despite being chilled. And when he was gone against the night, she finally responded, her voice light and wispy against the summer winds.

“Goodnight Nick.”