“Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in order to get in touch with who we really are and what we really want. We can’t heal until we hit rock bottom.”
~Nip/Tuck, Episode 25: Julia McNamara
In the cold light of day, the choices we make seem logical. But when day turns to night and our brains turn off from work, business, and the outside world, we are forced to think. On the night of October 29, only weeks after her fiftieth birthday, Marlena Evans-Black allowed herself to delve a little far into her past, resulting in near death. There had been many mistakes in her life: affairs, accusations, and a lifelong decision between two men that in the end she soon began to regret. It had always been a war between what was right and what her heart felt and in the end she had followed her heart like she knew was only right.
But after years of marriage to John Black: the other man, the man who broke up her marriage, things ended after months of fighting. Their relationship was nothing more than anger by the end and she kicked him out after fifteen years of marriage. And on the night it ended, she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, hoping beyond hope, that the pain would merely fade away.
No one who was acquainted with her, outside of her family, knew this of course. She was the image of perfection to society. The perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect doctor and so the news of Marlena’s secret desires remained under wraps. Which means you’re questioning how I know. I’m not her husband or any of her children. I’m her coach. It’s a question whether I feel it’s right to keep her alive. Or to allow her to die like she seems to have wanted.
Welcome to the world between heaven and earth, where nothing is decided and everything is up for grabs, including the lives of the people we love the most.
In a white room filled with sparkling lights and the smell of lilacs, she awakes, unsure of where life has taken her. She can recall taking the pills that have led her to this place and she can remember all the reasons why. It had become one thing after another but the one thing that had remained constant was the pain. She had cried for endless nights until that night her husband left and finally decided to do the one thing that felt right after months of knowing nothing.
She had bought the sleeping pills over the counter, in denial about what she was going to use them for. But deep down she knew. Deep down, she knew she wanted it to the end.
She gazes around the room with a look of familiarity. It looks so much like the home in which her husband once lived in and it takes her a moment to see the woman sitting in the corner of the room, gazing out a picturesque window of white.
Her spiraled brown hair hangs below her shoulders and feeling the eyes staring straight through her, she turns. The two women allow their eyes to connect, a bond of sorts.
“I’ve been expecting you, Marlena.”
Marlena blinks. “Am I in heaven?”
The woman stands, curls falling to one side, and she walks towards Marlena with an effortless glide. “Not exactly. I’m your coach so to speak.”
“My coach?”
“Your decision maker. I’m here to decide whether or not you live or die.”
Marlena takes another look around the place and her eyes fall upon a picture that rests upon the piano in the corner of the room. She walks towards it and picks it up, surveying it. “Still in love with my husband?”
She laughs, casually. “This isn’t my loft anymore, Marlena. It’s a place of broken dreams. I know you’ve wondered, especially lately, if you made the right decision in marrying John. After all, it was nothing you imagined it would be, in the end anyway. So what happened if you had stayed with Roman, Marlena? Do you ever wonder what would have happened if the last time you saw John was right here in this loft before he left town with Brady?”
Marlena slinks to the ground, her hands rubbing her weary eyes. “Maybe I’ve wondered,” she admits. “Is there anything wrong with that? I love John, that never changed, but maybe all of this would have been easier …”
“Well now’s your chance to finally see.”
Marlena looks at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Welcome to your new life, Marlena. Consider it a look into what might have been.”
Part Two
“Do you ever wonder if you took a left turn instead of a right you could be somebody different?”
Still in the loft her husband once owned, Marlena looks down, realizing her clothing has changed. Instead of her silk pajamas she wears a white lab coat. She lifts the bottom with her hands and stares at it, turning her attention back to the woman before her.
“Why the lab coat?”
Isabella Toscano turns away from Marlena and walks back to her post at the window. She stares outside, lost in a world of white innocence.
“After John left, you realized being a psychiatrist was just a little too hard. You couldn’t deal with your own problems and in turn you decided you didn’t want to deal with anyone else’s. You uprooted your family and moved them out to California and got a job at Cedars Sinai. You became a transplant surgeon, Marlena. You were so desperate to have someone else’s heart, to loose the pain that you felt, that you became a cardiologist.”
“But what about my family? They just accepted this move?”
“Roman became captain of the Los Angeles Police Department and Samantha graduated from UCLA at the top of her class. Without witnessing your affair with John, she never had any reason to rebel.”
Marlena continues to hold the coat in her hand, amazed at what she is hearing. And when she looks up once again, she realizes she is no longer with Isabella, but outside a large home in the heart of Beverly Hills. Palm trees shade the beautiful acres of land and before Marlena realizes what she is doing, her hand reaches out to open the door. She steps inside the foyer and is suddenly at home in her grand surroundings. This is the life she has known, a life that is hers, far from the one that existed long ago in Salem.
She walks into the living room, throwing her shoes off her feet, wanting nothing more than a hot bath. She gazes out the window and notices her daughter sitting by the pool, bathed in the early afternoon sunlight that only Los Angeles can provide. She steps out into the light fall air and Samantha turns around, grinning.
“Oh thank God, you’re home!” Samantha says. “I’m going out to dinner with some friends, but I wanted to see if you wanted to grab a drink first. I’m sure you have some romantic plans with Dad but I figured you and I should catch up a bit.” Samantha glances down at her watch and then up into the tired eyes of her mother. “How long have you been on call? You look absolutely exhausted.”
‘”I am. I’ve been working for a couple of days, covering for a colleague. I’ve done about six surgeries in the past few days. But I’d love to get a drink. It’s been a hell of a week. So tell me,” Marlena inquires, putting her shoes back on, “I’ve been unable to keep up on your show. I tried watching in the on-call room but I just ended up passing out. Anything new I should know about?”
Samantha holds the door open for her mother. “I write for Daytime, Mom,” she laughs, “nothing new will happen for another six months. But I actually do need to interview you on some surgical stuff. Come to think of it, I need to ask Dad a few questions as well.”
“I love watching my life portrayed on screen,” Marlena teases. About to get into her car, a black Porsche pulls into the long winding driveway. Marlena holds up her finger to Samantha and runs down the black pavement. Before her husband can even emerge from the car, she opens the door, pulling him out and into her arms.
“I’ve missed you,” she whispers, kissing him. “I’m going out for drinks with Sami, but when I get back, romantic dinner for two? The Ivy? Followed by the beach?”
“Sex on the beach?” Roman laughs, pulling her closer to him. “You have yourself a deal. Don’t get too drunk without me.”
**
“That’s not me,” Marlena says. “That’s not Roman!”
Isabella turns to her, shaking her head. “Roman was always a little weary about your relationship with John. He knew how much you loved him and he always felt like he was coming in second. When you allowed John to leave, Roman began to trust you a lot more which in turn helped loosen him up. As for you my dear, that is you. You’re rich, you’re successful, and most importantly you have the perfect family. Samantha is the perfect daughter. Eric, who left home and failed to return for years, came to Los Angeles when you moved there. He attended USC and on weekends the entire family would get together, including Carrie and her husband Austin. Sami became a very troubled girl when she found out about your affair. Without an affair to speak of, she kept her confidence and didn’t feel the need to go after her sister’s boyfriend. You have what you have always wanted. A life with no complications and no regrets.”
**
On the beach somewhere in Malibu, Marlena lifts her flute of champagne taking a sip. She leans back in her husband’s arms, allowing them to engulf her and closes her eyes.
“Mmm, I’ve missed this. I’m sorry things have been so hectic lately.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Roman comments, “you’re one of the most renowned heart surgeons in the world, I understand your busy schedule. I’m extremely proud of you baby.”
Marlena turns around and smiles, running her hand through his hair. “Thank you. Let me ask you something. Do you ever miss Salem?”
“Do I miss cold winters, everyone knowing my business, people always in our lives? Not quite,” Roman laughs. “Why? Do you?”
“Are you kidding? I love it here. I love our life here. I’m grateful you moved with me.”
“Baby, I’d do anything for you.”
He pushes Marlena back, capturing her lips with his own. She giggles, trying to escape his grasp, all the while falling into it. It’s what she loves the most about her life in California. It’s complete freedom and a happiness she had never known otherwise. She allows Roman to ravage her in the dark heaven of Malibu.
**
“Roman was never like that,” Marlena mentions, sitting up against the wall, watching the life that could have been, flash before her. “He was never as loving as that, not even in the beginning.”
“California agrees with him. It seems to agree with you as well.”
“Can I ask about John?”
“You can ask about whatever you want, Marlena.” Isabella walks the perimeter of the room and picks up the picture of John. “John left Salem with Brady and traveled around for a while. He didn’t know what to do with himself or with Brady really and couldn’t find a place where he felt he fit in. He finally found a place that felt right and settled into a new life. He decided to leave behind business and starting fighting for other people. He became quite the successful lawyer.”
“Where did he settle down?”
Isabella smiles. “It’s a wonder that you’ve never seen him, Marlena.”
“What do you mean?”
**
Marlena rushes into the hospital, glancing down at her watch. She has a meeting with an emergency patient one she almost failed to take. But being the good doctor that she is, she accepted, but with all the alcohol intake last night and the sexual escapades on the beach, she hit the snooze too many times that morning. She reaches her office, out of breath, and takes a moment.
“Heather, is my patient here?”
“In your office, Dr. Brady.”
“You know, I don’t even know his name. I probably should before I head on in there.” Her eyes gleam with a hint of mischief.
Heather laughs, looking through Marlena’s appointment book. “Ah, here it is. Black. John Black.”
Part Three
“Does love ever end when two hearts are torn away? Or does it go on and beat strong anyway”
~Do You Love Me Now?, The Breeders
She takes a deep breath before entering her office, unable to comprehend the fact that John Black is in her office. It has been nearly fifteen years since she has seen him and in an instance, she is almost petrified. She takes a deep breath and pushes open her door. His back is to her as he sits in one of her plush leather office chairs, flipping through a magazine. She can tell he is as handsome as ever, even from behind, and she clears her throat, hoping to gain his attention.
“John?”
He turns around, smiling widely. “Marlena!” He stands and walks to her. Standing before her for only a moment, he wraps his arms around her, nearly taking her breath away. “You look amazing.”
“Thank you.” She smiles. “You don’t look too bad yourself. How have you been, John?” Suddenly realizing her profession, her hand flies to her mouth. “You’re not sick, are you?”
He laughs. “No. I actually came to you because I needed some medical advice. To be honest, I didn’t even realize you had moved out here. I have a client with a medical condition and when I asked around about the best cardiologist in Los Angeles, I was referred to you.”
Still in shock, Marlena sits down in her chair. “I had no idea you were here either. Where are you living?”
“Malibu. How about you?”
“Beverly Hills. I can’t believe we’ve been so close for all of these years. Tell me, how’s Brady?”
“He’s wonderful. He’s seventeen now and a senior in high school. He’s already been accepted into Yale and Stanford for football scholarships and into Harvard for baseball. Not to mention, he’s a better cook than my wife and I put together.”
This news surprises Marlena, more so than she cares to admit. “You’re married?”
“For almost ten years now. How about you? How is Roman? How are the kids?”
With a twinge of jealously, Marlena answers. “Roman is wonderful. He’s captain of the Los Angeles Police Department and it should be any day until he is appointed commander. Carrie married Austin Reed and they’re living in Woodland Hills. Samantha is head writer of a soap opera and Eric runs a small editing firm and they both live in the same complex in Hollywood. Everyone is doing quite well.”
“I’m really glad to hear it. Why don’t you all come for dinner? We would really love to have you. What do you say? Is tonight too short of notice?”
“Tonight sounds fine,” Marlena agrees. “We’ll be there.”
**
Sitting outside the beach house in Malibu, Roman takes a drag of his cigarette. “How does he look?”
Marlena rolls her eyes, glancing out her window for any sign of Sami. Neither Carrie nor Eric could make it, both saddled down with other plans for the night. “He looks good. He’s married, Roman. He’s not going to jump me.”
“Your banter is astounding tonight, darling,” Roman responds, sarcastically. “Besides, I am actually curious to see John again. What’s his wife’s name?”
“I don’t know, actually. We got right down to business after he asked us to dinner.” Marlena turns to Roman, rubbing her hand gently against his cheek. “I’m with you, sweetheart. Nothing can change that nor do I want anything to change that. Got it?”
Roman gives a small smile. “Got it.”
A car pulls up behind them and Roman drops his cigarette onto the ground. “Let’s get this going.”
The three of them walk towards the house and Marlena can’t help but be impressed. Surrounded by the Pacific Ocean, the house, while considerably smaller than her own, has a sort of quaintness about it. It’s completely peaceful and for a moment Marlena almost wishes that they had moved to Malibu all those years ago. The door swings open and Marlena steps back when he sees what is in John’s arms: a toddler.
“Welcome! This,” he says, raising the little girl’s hand, “is Isabella. You can just call her Belle. Belle baby, this is Marlena, Roman, and Sami.”
The little girl smiles, bouncing a bit in her father’s arms. Blonde curls shift in front of her face and she blows them away. “Hello! How do you know my daddy?”
Marlena, Roman, and John all look at each other, unsure of what to say. John just laughs, ruffling the child’s hair. “We’re old friends, Princess.” He lets her onto the ground and she runs out of the room. John extends his hand to Roman with sincerity. “Roman, it’s really nice to see you.”
“You too, John.”
“And you,” he holds out his hand to Samantha, pulling her into a hug. “You look gorgeous. I hear you’re writing for soaps? Maybe I should check that out.”
“You should,” Samantha laughs. “We are number one.”
“John?”
All eyes turn to gaze at the woman in the entrance of the room. She smiles at all of them, hair perfectly wavy, and gives a small wave of the hand, almost reminisant to her daughter. John walks over to her, wrapping his arm, tightly around her waist. “Everyone, this is Kristen.”
**
“Kristen DiMera?” Marlena shouts. “Are you kidding me?”
Isabella sits down beside her. “You seem to forget that Kristen wasn’t always a bad person. In fact, she was one of your closest friends for a while. John met her when he was in Europe traveling with Brady. He didn’t find out she was a DiMera until months into the relationship, but it didn’t matter to him. Kristen was a good person.”
“Yes, but she changed.”
“She changed because she was jealous of you, Marlena. She changed because she was desperate to hold onto John. Without you in the picture, she was never threatened. She became the perfect wife and mother. She works as a counselor at a local center.”
“So I ruined her?” Marlena asks, miserably.
“Through no fault of your own.”
“Does John love her?”
“Yes. More than he ever had before. Getting over you was the hardest thing John ever had to do. Kristen allowed him to heal all the while comforting in a way that he needed. She took Brady into her home and loved him.”
“So did I,” Marlena replies, quietly. She looks at Isabella with dejected eyes. “Does he hate her?”
“She never sent him away.”
“I did what I had to do. You can’t possibly think that I didn’t love him?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think, Marlena. It matters what John does and what Brady does.”
**
“So Kristen, tell us about yourself,” Roman asks, taking a bite of dinner.
She pushes aside her plate, curling a tendril of hair behind her ear. “Oh I don’t know what there is to tell. I’ve traveled a lot of my life, so I’ve always been on the go, but when John and Brady came to Europe, I realized it was time I settled down. I run a little local halfway house for troubled teens, aside from raising the kids.”
“Really?” Sami asks, intrigued. “I actually have a character like you on my show.”
“I know,” Kristen grins, embarrassed, “I’m a huge fan. When John told me you wrote for a soap, I automatically knew which one. I’m impressed.”
“Thank you. So Brady,” Sami turns to him, remembering him when he was only a baby and can’t help but feel a bit old, “I hear you’ve made ivy league, that’s great!”
He smiles, the mirror image of his father. With dark brown hair and striking cobalt eyes, he reminds Marlena a little too much of John. Her jealously has grown over the evening and she takes a sip of wine, washing down any feelings of contempt she might have.
“Thanks. I’m still not exactly sure where I want to go yet.”
“But either way, we are extremely proud,” Kristen encourages. “So Marlena, John tells me you were once a psychiatrist. What caused you to switch careers?”
Marlena takes another sip of wine, wondering why she isn’t drunk yet. “I don’t know,” she fibs. “I just felt it was time for a change. I had gone to medical school and had originally planned on becoming a surgeon. It wasn’t until I was a psychiatrist for years that I realized it wasn’t what I wanted anymore.”
“Excuse me,” John says, standing up, “I’m going to go check on Belle.”
“Can you show me where the restroom is?”
“Sure.”
Marlena stands as she glances down at Roman for only a moment. She ignores his stare and follows John out of the room.
“Here it is.” He stands in front of a half open door, leaning over her to turn on the light. His breath is hot on her skin and her breathing becomes heavy as his smell invades her senses. He looks at her, still bent towards her, a longing look passing between the two, almost as if it was all those years ago. On pure desire and instinct, Marlena leans forward and kisses him, pushing him up against the wall. The fact that both their spouses are in the other room doesn’t faze her and she can feel his erection growing at just her touch.
What they both fail to notice is her daughter, standing in the entrance of the hallway, watching her mother with another man: a man who is not her father.
Part Four
“All alone in the dark, no walls or windows, trying hard to define heaven from hell.”
~One Light Burning, Richie Sambora
Memories of the night before flood through her mind as Marlena sits in her office, attempting to get a little paper work done. Seconds after she had kissed him, he pulled away, quickly walking into his daughter’s bedroom, not ready to deal with the consequences of being caught with his former wife. He had ignored her for the rest of the evening, although they hadn’t stayed at the house much longer. Marlena knew when she wasn’t wanted.
She attempts to focus back on her paper work but to no avail. Picking up her remote, she turns on the television just in time to see the opening credits of Samantha’s show. She hasn’t watched it much in the past, she never seems to have the time, but she likes to see what her daughter isup to. Not to mention, the character based upon herself.
Marlena leans back in her chair when the phone rings. A moment of peace seems to be too much these days. She leans forward and answers.
“Marlena Brady.” She turns the volume down on the television. “No, I’m sorry Kyle, I haven’t seen Samantha since last night … What do you mean she didn’t show up to work? … Well I don’t know, maybe she is sick … Yes, I will check up on her. Thanks for letting me know.”
Marlena hangs up the phone and immediately picks it up again. With quick fingers she dials another number. She waits a few seconds and hangs up, grabbing her coat on the way out of the office.
**
“It’s a different life,” Marlena observes, looking at Isabella, “so why am I doing the same thing all over again?”
“You can’t change what the heart wants, Marlena. You can change your life, you can change your profession, but you can never truly change your feelings,” Isabella reasoned.
“What about Sami? She’s so much older now, she must understand this.”
“Do you ever understand one of your parents cheating on the other?”
**
Her black Jag screeches to a halt in her daughter’s parking garage. Something must be wrong with Sami, just like both of her parent’s, she is never one to skip out on a day of work. She takes Sami’s keys out of her bag and walks the few paces towards her daughter’s apartment. She knocks, not wanting to disturb Sami, after all, who hasn’t taken a personal time to play before, and when no one answers, she opens the door.
Clothes are across the floor so much unlike the neat freak her daughter is. As Marlena steps into the apartment, she picks up empty beer cans and cartons of chocolate ice cream. What the hell could have happened between last night and this morning to throw Sami into such a tailspin?
“Sami?” She calls out. “It’s mom.” Silence endures. “Sami?”
Marlena steps into the bedroom and finds her daughter in a heap of blankets on her bed. She is curled up, the television blaring her own soap opera, with a box of donuts in front of her. Marlena scowls pulling them out of Sami’s grasp.
“Why aren’t you at work?”
Sami doesn’t answer for a moment. Her eyes stare blankly at the TV, her hand still reaching for the box her mother has now confiscated.
“Hello?”
Samantha shrugs. “I wasn’t in the mood. Besides, I am working on storyline ideas.” She turns off the television and faces her mother, cobalt eyes turning a dark blue. “Can I run one by you?”
Marlena knows there is something wrong. This isn’t her Samantha. She answers, tentatively. “Sure.”
“The cardiologist. She’s out with her husband for dinner one night and runs into her ex husband.” Marlena begins to squirm. “When her husband isn’t looking, she makes a move on her ex.”
“Sami,” Marlena begins.
Samantha turns the television back on and grabs her donuts from Marlena’s hand. “Maybe you can help me with some research.” Her voice drips with distain. “Like what would make someone do that after over three decades of marriage?” She turns to her mother, fury in her eyes.
“I don’t know what you saw but–”
“What I saw?” Sami sits up in bed, coming closer to Marlena. “What I saw was my mother seducing her ex husband in front of his daughter’s bedroom. What I saw was you betraying my father.”
Marlena inhales. “Did you tell Roman?”
“No.” Marlena breathes a sigh of relief. “But you will.”
**
She sits in her car outside of her home, breathing uneven and rapid, afraid of what her life is now going to become. It wasn’t that she intended on kissing John the night before, in fact she wasn’t even sure why she had done it. Over the years, Marlena had been attracted to many men, but it never caused her to cheat before. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was jealous or because she just needed some type of change, but as she sits, she now regrets the mistakes of the night before.
She takes a deep breath and turns off the ignition in her car. Roman’s car is in front of her own and she closes her eyes in a small prayer. With baby steps she walks towards the house and opens the door. Roman sits at the bar, with a glass of brandy beside him. He turns the page in the novel he seems to be reading and only looks up when the door closes.
“Hey honey. What are you doing home? It’s early.”
Marlena walks to the bar and sits down beside him. She shivers, despite the warm feel of the house. “I need to talk to you.”
“Of course. By the way, are you heading back to work? I thought maybe I’d cook dinner for us.”
Marlena manages a smile. “You never cook. What’s the occasion?”
“I love you, isn’t that enough?”
She can feel the tears building in her eyes. She looks away from him, taking a sip of his brandy. “Roman, something happened last night. Something I think you ought to know. Last night when we were at John’s, I …” She pauses for a moment, finding the right words. “I kissed him.” Roman takes a long sip of his drink. “It didn’t mean anything … I mean it was just …” Words seem to escape her.
Roman stares beyond her, eyes focusing on their wedding picture that lines the mantel. “Do you still love him?”
“I don’t know.” Her voice merely a whisper. “I never got to solve my feelings when he left town. It was a kiss, Roman. I’m not leaving him for you.”
“If John wasn’t married, would you?”
Marlena pauses, just long enough. “Nevermind.” He stands up and storms out of the house leaving Marlena alone. And alone in the darkened room, with the shades drawn, she begins to cry.
alks into her bathroom. She opens the medicine cabinet with shaking fingers and gazes at all the pills lining the shelves. She eyes a bottle of vicodin, a bottle that has been in there since Roman’s back injury months before. She takes the bottle, gazing at the label through her tears, and opens her hand.
**
“It’s happening again!” Marlena frantically stands, gazing at herself in her other life. “You have to do something.”
Isabella laughs softly. “There is nothing I can do, Marlena. You’re doomed to make the same mistakes unless you deal with your problems. Like with Samantha. You run away when things get hard. In your life, when John left, you didn’t fight. You didn’t beg him to come back. Instead you tried to commit suicide. In your alternate life, when John left town, you didn’t get help to sort out your feelings. You instead moved your family three thousand miles away. In other words, you ran. You need to fix your life, Marlena, not make a new one.”
Without a word, Marlena turns back to look at herself, just as she takes her last drink of water, the pill bottle falling beside her. Empty.
Part 5
He stands outside her home, fingers clenched, unsure if he should venture to the front door. The incident the night before has shaken him to the core. He has never expected to see her again, to feel her, to smell her, and the entrance of her into his life again has been nothing less than a shock. He takes a deep breath and heads towards the door, impressed with the life she and Roman have made for themselves.
The house is like nothing he has ever seen, even in Malibu, and he feels almost a sense of trepidation as he reaches the door. He stands for a moment, his hand lingering in air, in limbo between the decision to knock or to leave. But he has run away in the past and he wasn’t about to do the same. He knocks, but there is no response. He turns around and sees Marlena’s car in the driveway, causing him to knock again.
The door swings open with ease and John just shrugs taking a tentitive step inside. He takes in his surroundings and exhales with a breath of envy. Marble floors errupt beneath his feet, chandelier crystals bouncing off the afternoon light. The house smells of liquor and despair and John takes another look around.
“Hello? Marlena? Is anybody home?”
Although not his place, he decides to take a look around, after all, he isn’t exactly a stranger. He has never expected Marlena to live a life of such glamour and prestigue. It was never something she was concerned about and he realizes it’s been a long time since he has really known her. He walks up the spiral staircase, gazing into the sky lights above , when he notices a flicker of light from a room before him.
“Marlena? You home? It’s John.”
He walks up the last step and into the room, a large luxurious bathroom. John sees nothing at first until he spots an empty pill bottle … right beside a limp Marlena.
He springs to action, kneeling down beside her. Her pulse is weak and he reaches into his jacket pocket, fingers fumbling to call 911.
**
He hasn’t been back to the Penthouse in days and as he stands at the entranceway of the door, hands clenched, taking deep breaths. He isn’t sure he wants to see her, he isn’t sure he can stand to look at her when she isn’t his. With trembling fingers, he unlocks the door. The place looks almost eerie in the dark and John inhales.
“Doc? I’m sorry to bother you, but I need to get some things.”
With no answer, he heads towards the stairs taking two at a time. He doesn’t want to be there when she gets home, it just hurts a little too much. The bedroom is dark, like the rest of the house, and John flips on the light. His room, once orderly and perfect is now utter chaos. Clothes are laying haphazzardly across the room, empty liquor bottles, mountains of pizza boxes, chinese cartoons, and boxes of donuts litter the ground. Without knowledge he kicks a box across the room.
It is then he sees the light, dim but sure enough on. He steps into the bathroom and he sees her. Lifeless, blonde hair matted to her head. He loses his balance and grabs onto the wall, gagging at the sight of his wife in her most vulnerable state. He can only stare, unable to move, to breathe. He knows he needs to call 911, but his only thoughts are of Marlena. His eyes focus on the bottle of sleeping pills beside her and he can no longer hold it in. He retches on the floor, a mess all on its own and finally moves towards her. He touches his finger to her neck, searching for a pulse, for any signs of life.
With some sign of strength, he reaches into his pocket, fumbling with his cell phone. Three simple numbers has never seemed so hard to dial.
“I need an ambulance … Riverside Drive. Penthouse 14.”
John drops his phone, curling up beside his wife, praying through tears that she will pull through.
**
Roman rushes into the emergency room, blind with fear. He has heard the news and despite his anger towards his wife at the moment, wants nothing more than for her to be well. He spots John slumped down in a chair, head in hands and jogs towards him.
“John!” John looks up, eyes red and broken. “Is she–“
“There’s no news yet.” John’s voice breaks. “I had come over to … I needed to speak to Marlena. The door was open and I found her upstairs in the bedroom. She must have … I don’t know, taken pills or something. Her heartbeat was weak, but they think they might have gotten to her in time.”
Roman collapses into the seat beside John. “Thank God.”
They both sit in silence for a moment, listening the hum of the radiator behind them. Roman takes a breath and turns towards John, eyes full of questions desperately needing answers.
“She told me. About last night.”
“Roman, as soon as I realized what she was doing–“
Roman nods, placing his hand on John. “I know. That has always been my biggest fear. That one day she would see you again and leave me. I was so angry when I left the house tonight. She did this because of me. This is my fault,” he says quietly, tears forming.
“No, it’s not. This isn’t the answer, she should have known that.”
John looks up and sees Marlena’s doctor approaching. He taps Roman on the shoulder and they both stand, awaiting Marlena’s fate.
**
John sits in an uncomfortable chair, knuckles white as his fingers clench. He hates waiting for news, especially fatal news, and he leans his head back against the wall closing his eyes. He can only see her, lying on the floor, pale and desperate to hide from her world. He can feel the tears pooling and he takes in a deep breath, not wanting to show signs of vulnerability.
“Daddy?”
John opens his eyes and with one look at his daughter the tears begin. He pulls her to him, kissing her blonde hair, holding her like he had done to her mother only moments earlier.
“How is she?” Belle sobs.
“I don’t know yet.” Belle sits down beside him and he brushes her hair with limp fingers. “It doesn’t look good, sweetheart. The doctors are in with her now.”
“What happened?”
He doesn’t know what to say. How can he tell his daughter that her mother has just attempted suicide?
“Belle your mother–“
John stops talking when he sees Marlena’s doctor heading towards him. He lets his fingers fall from Belle’s hair and stands, needing to grab onto his chair to gain some semblance of balance.
Marlena’s doctor approaches, hands folded together. “We did our best to eject the pills from Marlena’s system but her pulse was just too weak. We did everything we could to save her, but I’m sorry. She didn’t make it.”
Part Six
“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”
~You Can’t Always Get What You Want, The Rolling Stones”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”~You Can’t Always Get What You Want, The Rolling Stones
The doctor, noticing shock on both faces of his patient’s loved ones, decides to leave them alone for the time being. He has never gotten used to this part of his job. He never will. John’s hands tremble, despite the California heat. He has gotten to her too late. With shaky legs, he lowers himself into the chair and collapses. He knows there is someone beside him, someone grieving just as much as him, if not more so, but he has no words. He can’t help but picture her in the moment he had found her. Broken, yet beautiful. So much like the woman herself. Finally, John turns, pushing back tears.
“Roman, I am so sorry,” John whispers. “If there is anything I can do …”
Roman stares past the crowd in the emergency room and out the door, into a world that only hours ago seemed less complicated. He forgets John is beside him until he turns, staring into the eyes of his former best friend.
“What?” Roman asks.
“If there is anything I can do, please let me know.”
Roman nods. “Thank you.” He pauses a moment, closing his eyes. “I guess I should go tell the kids.” Roman stands on shaky legs, grabbing hold of the wall to steady himself, if only somewhat. He holds out his hand to John. “Thank you. I’m sorry this has all been brought back into your world.” He doesn’t wait for a response.
Instead he walks out alone, into a world he hardly recognizes.
**
“Mr. Black, your wife is stable,” Marlena’s doctor spoke, “however, she is in a coma.”
A cry escapes Belle’s lips and John wraps his arm around her. “May I see her, Doctor?”
“Of course, follow me.”
John turns to Belle, stroking her blonde curls. “Stay out here. I’ll be back in a few moments.” Belle nods, tears dancing on her rosy cheeks. She squeezes her father’s hand. Their hands fall to their sides seconds later and John takes one last look at Belle before following Marlena’s doctor. Upon entering her room, John can’t help but gasp. Tubes intertwine along her body, machines beeping, breathing machines rising. This isn’t his wife. This isn’t his reality. He sits down beside the bed and when the doctor has left, he begins to speak. His hand rests upon hers, stroking and entangling.
“Hi baby.” His voice cracks under strain. “I’m sorry you felt you had to do this. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when I should have been. Please don’t think I ever stopped loving you.” He sobs quietly for a moment, his face leaning down against hers. His lips nearly touch hers. He longs to kiss her. “Do you remember that day at the DiMera mansion, Marlena? The children were little and you had come over to visit. We were in the backyard playing football and we were all so close back then. I promise you, if you wake that up, I will fix everything. I will make us a family again. I will do whatever it takes to bring us back to that time. I’m not going to lose you like this. Wake up, Marlena. Please, wake up.”
**
Marlena watches, with Isabella beside her, tears pooling her hazel eyes. She longs to hold on to John, to start again. But she has been questioning if that will ever happen. Isabella turns away and Marlena follows suit.
“What’s going to happen now?” Marlena asks.
“That’s up to you really. You’ve been a coward one to many times now, Marlena. If you go back, there are no promises. Although John says he will fix the family, it’s essentially not up to him. It’s a risk living life, Marlena. But those risks usually turn out to be the greatest times of our life in the end. So what will it be?”
Marlena turns back to John and herself. He leans over her with so much fear, but Isabella is right. There are no guarantees and she is still at a loss. And as she watches, she notices her daughter step into the room tentatively. Followed by her step son. Frozen in movement, Marlena gazes with wide eyes, overhearing words which could decidedly change her future.
Without looking at Isabella, she answers, voice soft. “I’ve come to a decision on what I want …”
**
John spins around at the sound in the room. He is surprised to see his son, but relieved. Belle and Brady both take a step closer, kneeling on the side of the bed.
“Is she okay?” Brady asks.
“I don’t know,” John answers, honestly. “She doesn’t seem responsive, but the doctors say that talking helps.”
Brady places his hand on his father’s knee. “Do you mind if I try?”
Although shocked by his son’s request, John nods, motioning to go ahead. Brady stares at his step mother. She looks beautiful, even in this state. He lays his hand on her own. “I know I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry,” Brady says, softly. “I don’t know why I was so angry, but I never wanted this. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for you to hurt yourself. Please wake up and let me show you. Let us be a family again.”
Brady closes his eyes, silently praying, when he feels his hand move. He glances down just as Marlena’s fingers wiggle, slightly.
“Dad,” Brady whispers, “I think she’s waking up.”
John leans forward. “Baby, come on, open your eyes.”
Eyes flutter. Marlena’s eyes open, adjusting to the light, squinting. She moves her lips to speak, but no words come. Her children and husband gather around the bed, as if waiting for something miraculous to happen, never realizing that something just did.
“Where am I?” Marlena mouths, words barely escaping.
“The hospital.” John strokes blonde tendrils. “You scared us quite a bit honey.”
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes focus on the room and then on Brady. She smiles, reaching her hand out to him. He takes it, tears forming in his eyes. “Thank you.”
“No.” He smiles. “Thank you.”
Belle hands her mother a cup of water, hoping words will form. She helps her mother drink a few sips and when she is done, Marlena stares at John, hazel burning deep within blue.
“Are things all right?” She says, quietly. “Between us?”
John kisses her hand, smiling. “Things are just fine.” He pauses, debating. He opens his mouth, unable to hold back. “I have to ask though. Why did you do it?”
Marlena doesn’t know how to answer this. “I thought it was what I wanted.”
“And now?”
She thinks about it for a moment, before answering. “I got what I needed.”
It has taken her this long to figure things out, but she has. Isabella was right. The risks we take, usually end up being the greatest moments in life.
The Jarlena Journal 