One ring … two, three … ” Doc, it’s me. I’m just getting home, I figure you’re still at work, I wanted to see how your appointment went. Dinner at seven-thirty? Give me a call.” He pauses for a moment, smiling as he reaches into his pocket for his house keys. “I love you. Speak to you soon.”
John Black hangs up his cell phone, holding it in one hand while he unlocks the door to his home. The apartment is dark as he enters, the only light seeming to come from the remaining sunlight that happens to shine through the balcony doors.
He inhales the smell of the room as he always does when he comes home, a smell that will always remind him of how lucky he truly his. It smells as she does right after lovemaking, a smell of pure bittersweet joy, of lilac shampoo and honeysuckle body wash. He closes his eyes for a moment and enjoys the aura of her, before walking towards the stairs to take a quick shower. It isn’t until he is halfway to the bedroom that he notices the glass doors leading to the balcony are not shut entirely. He slowly tip toes down the stairs, making sure not to make a noise in case it happens to be an intruder. And as he nears the doorway, he can see his wife, fragile and pale, curled up in a chenille blanket, staring out into a world unknown.
Sensing the urgency, John rushes outside, a blast of cold air engulfing him with an intense force. He shivers, although it isn’t so much because of the bitter cold. It is the expression on his wife’s face; a look so far gone and lost as if her entire world has ended. He sits on the lounge chair, beside her, bringing his hand up to touch the damp skin of her face. He can tell she has been crying, her eyes red and lifeless.
“What happened?” He asks, softly.
She doesn’t answer, as her tears begin to fall once more, black trails of her midnight mascara trailing down her cheeks. She pulls her knees up to her chest as if that alone will allow her the protection she so obviously needs. Her body begins to rock back and forth and John has to wonder if it is because of the weather or her own fears.
” Doc, what happened at the doctor’s?” His voice is more vital this time, as he grips her upper arm in an attempt to break her away from her thoughts.
She turns to look at him, her eyes staring straight through him. She speaks, her voice somewhere else. “The shower, it, um, it needs to be fixed. And don’t forget to pay Belle’s tuition; I know you can forget that kind of thing sometimes. With Brady, you’re going to have to keep him grounded with this whole Chloe thing.”
John sits up a little straighter, frightened by her comments. “Marlena, what are you talking about? Belle’s tuition isn’t due for another eight months, not to mention this thing about Brady… what aren’t you telling me?”
“I’m telling you, I’m going to die,” she replies, her voice bitter. “I’m telling you that every year millions of women die of breast cancer. I’m telling you that it’s not just in my breast but the cancer has spread throughout my body. I’m telling you to take care of things, that I probably can’t do,” she whispers, turning away from him.
John stops breathing, the air knocked out of him as he tries to form at least one coherent thought. He blinks a couple of times, knowing he must be dreaming. It is just some horrible nightmare and when he wakes up, he’ll find Marlena next to him, smiling as she watches him stir from sleep. But as he stares at her, he knows this isn’t a nightmare, it is a horrible reality that deep down he has always dreaded, after his life with Isabella. He takes a deep breath, grabbing hold of her hand, as if his strength will radiate through her body.
“You’re going to fight this,” he says, softly. “I promise you, we are going to fight this together.”
She looks up at him, her eyes glazed over in tears. Marlena smiles, a small, almost condescending smile. “Never make a promise you can’t keep, John. You have to promise me you’ll do all that. You have to promise to keep our children safe. You have to help them grow up.”
“No!” He demands. “Stop it! You will help them grow up. You will be there to see Belle on her wedding day. You’ll be there to give Brady advice on his relationship with Chloe. Cancer isn’t a death sentence, Marlena. It’s only one when you give up.”
“What the hell do you know?” She snaps. “I’ve been sitting here for the past hour thinking of what my life is about to become. Monthly visits for chemotherapy, days of being sick, spending hours on the floor of the bathroom, retching into a toilet bowl like some co-ed in college without the payoff of being buzzed. Am I really going to be attractive when I have no hair and lose twenty pounds because holding food down is a little to much to handle? You’re not going to want to touch me, John! And I hate this. I hate myself for not getting checked out faster, I hate this Goddamn disease for taking over my body without permission. I hate …” Her tears begin to fall faster as she makes an effort to swipe them. “I hate God for doing this to me, to you, to our children.”
She breaks down, unable to control her sobs, to stop her body from shaking with such violence. John, quick to always be her aid, holds her as tightly as his arms will allow, wanting nothing more than to heal her pain with his touch. He caresses her hair in an attempt to calm her, speaking soothing words into her ear. He is helpless, a feeling he has never had when it comes to her. The idea of being unable to save her is a foreign concept and at the thought of this alone, he begins to cry, his pillar of strength no longer standing.
“I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeats. “I know that can’t heal you, Marlena, but if I could …” He lifts her face to his, their eyes meeting, staring at each other with every emotion pent up inside. “If I could, I would go inside your body and take out every sick cell. If I could I would take the chemo for you, I would get sick, I would do anything to take this away from you. And I know this doesn’t make it all go away and I know this isn’t what you need to hear. But I promise, I’m going to be here for it all. Through all the appointments, all the treatments, all the days of sitting on the bathroom floor. For all the time you’re going to want to give up and die, I’ll pull you back up. Let me be there, let me help you. Please.”
She doesn’t answer, she doesn’t need to. Instead, she grabs onto him, pulling him to her as the silence endures, both lost in their own selfish thought. She with the thought of dying and him with the fear of living without her. They stay molded to the other, as if letting go will suddenly break any amount of strength that may have fallen back into their hands. And it has been silent for so long that when the door to the apartment slams, they both jump apart, both lost in who has entered, but more importantly, what was just lost and discovered.
Through the glass doors, Marlena closes her eyes, listening to the sounds of her children, allowing them to fill her soul with at least a shred of hope.
“So, we’re getting ready to film the episode with the date and Cassie, Meems, and I are standing there when Rex just comes rushing in. He’s like ‘Mimi, you can’t do this, I want to be with you, blah, blah, blah’ and just like pulls her out of the room. I thought the producers were going to have an attack! So Cassie and I are standing there, watching these people in pure pandemonium and just start cracking up. By the end of the night …”
For the first time, Belle realizes her brother is no longer listening, but instead staring out into the half open balcony doors. Belle follows his gaze towards the balcony, their parents wrapped around the other, a stance she has seen many times. And just as she is about to shrug it off, she can hear the hiccups of her mother’s past cries. Belle looks at Brady and they both know that something isn’t right.
Being the oldest, Brady takes the lead, Belle close behind. They step outside, and when Marlena looks up, they know that something is terribly wrong. Her face is marked dry with remains of tears, her eyes a dark gray and completely lifeless. Their father looks no better, although the despair built up in his eyes may be worse and Belle suddenly grabs her brothers hand, needing to steady herself on something, on anything. She lets her head down, taking a few deep breaths, suddenly knowing what is coming. She looks up and at her mother, tears beginning to fall from her cerulean eyes.
“You’re sick,” Belle whispers. “Are you sick?”
Marlena bites down on her lower lip, holding her hand out for Belle take. She does so, shaking, allowing her mother to pull her down on her lap like she did all those years before, when the biggest problem in their lives were what to watch on television or what they should order for dinner. Marlena rocks Belle like a child, kissing the crown of her blonde hair, never wanting to have to tell her children the fatal news. Over her daughter’s head, her eyes meet Brady’s and she gives him a small smile.
“Mommy,” Belle sobs, wrapping her arms tighter around her mother, “what is it?”
Marlena looks at John and he nods, taking hold of her hand. She kisses the top of her daughter’s hair once more, patting the seat next to her for Brady to sit. He does so, almost reluctantly, knowing what is to come can’t be good. It has been only a couple of weeks since Chloe’s recovery and he knows now that everything is back to normal, more bad news is about to come. He wraps his arm around his mother, sending a quick prayer up to the Heavens, hoping somehow God will grant his family a miracle.
“I went to my doctor today. Nothing serious, just for a mammogram, a checkup.” She takes a deep breath, willing the tears to stop, if only for the sake of her children. “They found a lump in my breast. And the tests came back conclusive. It’s malignant. It’s spread throughout my body, so much so that …” She pauses for a moment, composing herself, “they can’t do surgery. I need to get chemotherpay, radiation …”
“Are you going to die?” Belle asks, innocently, her eyes wide, her lip trembling in fear.
Marlena looks over at John again, needing his support more than she ever has. John stands, kneeling before his family, wanting to take away the pain each one of them holds. Marlena’s pain of losing a battle that she just might not be strong enough to handle; Brady’s battle of having to lose possibly another person he loves to cancer, and Belle, his baby girl, who will surely never be able to last without her mother. It is this that makes him break down, no longer able to be strong, despite the fact he knows he has too. He lays his head on Marlena’s leg, feeling comfort from her fingers in his hair.
No one knows how to answer Belle’s question, for they all know the answer’s to the future are impossible to predict.
“I once heard that if you pretend the little guy from PacMan is in your body, eating up all your cancer cells, it really can heal you,” Brady says quietly, breaking the silence, “I used to tell Chloe that. You’re the strongest person I know, Mom. You have to believe this can work, that you can be healed. I believe in you.”
Belle looks up at her mother, wiping the tears off of Marlena’s cheeks. “Me too. We’ll all fight this together.”
John notices Marlena doesn’t move, doesn’t respond and so he gives Brady a stare, signaling him to take Belle inside. Brady gets the hint and stands up, holding his hand out for his sister to take.
“Belle, why don’t you come on inside with me. We’ll find something for dinner.”
Belle looks reluctantly at her mother, but obliges, when Marlena nods her head, kissing Belle’s hair once more. They leave John and Marlena together, alone in the frigid weather, alone with only their thoughts.
“You weren’t quick to reassure them,” John says, quietly, breaking the silence existing between the two.
She looks up at John and shakes her head. “I can’t say this is going to be all right, when I don’t know, when none of us know. John, I’m sorry, but I can’t sit here and act like if we fight this together, we will be okay. As much as I love you all, as much as I appreciate the support, this is something that only I can deal with. I don’t know whether I’m going to win this battle and I can’t act as if I do. I won’t lie to my children, John. I won’t lie to you. And most of all, I won’t lie to myself. Yes, there is a chance I can beat this. But there is also a chance that I could die and it’s something I need to come to terms with, no matter how positive everyone wants to be. You need to understand I have to deal with this in my own way. And I’m sorry–“
John puts his finger over her lips, silencing her. ” Don’t apologize,” he says, quietly. “I understand that, I do. I just hate the fact that I am so helpless, that I can’t do anything to save you. Are you scared?”
She licks her lips, turning away from him so she can gaze out over the city lights. Her vision becomes blurred as tears burn her eyes and she leans back in the chair, closing her eyes as the wind washes over her, as if swallowing her whole. Without opening her eyes, she answers him, her voice raw.
“Of course I am. Do you remember when Sami was set for her execution? When the whole world was right there in front of me, when I had every source possible to save her, and I just couldn’t? It’s like that now. There is so much out there, so many places that could hold this cure, and all I can do is sit and wait.” She pauses, for a moment, looking up at him with sorrow filled eyes. “I’m sorry I have to put you through this.”
John wants to respond, yet can’t, feeling as if all oxygen has been cut off. He tries to gasp for breaths, and suddenly realizes why he can no longer speak. He can feel the bile rising in his throat, the gasping not exactly helping. He wants to retch, but he can’t, the tears are falling to quickly, the world is spinning around him in a whirlwind. He grabs hold to her hand, burying his face in her neck.
“I can’t lose you. I just can’t.”
She runs her fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him when she truly can’t even comfort herself. So they sit there crying, swaying with the wind, their tears coming together as one. It is a long road ahead … filled with unsurity, pain, and fear. And the truth of the matter is, neither one of them can guarentee a bright future. For once, their love can not save everything.
The Jarlena Journal 