When It Hurts – By Unknown Author

I.

You know that feeling, that uncomfortable knotted feeling in your stomach when you know you have to face something that you don’t really have the courage for? I woke up with that feeling today…that feeling of emptiness and dread.  I thought it would pass after a morning shower, after a cup of coffee, after a not so rushed commute…but nothing.

Now I sit in this dull depressing room. Sadness….that is all this conference room represents.  Light gray walls, fluorescent lighting, and gloomy skies that slowly creep through the blinds of the large windows seem to dampen the mood even more. Sitting uncomfortably in this leather chair, I lightly adjust my back against the cool fabric as I uncross my leg and switch limbs to cross over again.  Fingernails lightly pick at imaginary lint from my black tailored pants.  Fingers curl to the buttons of my blouse to make sure everything is still intact, should they have decided to fall apart, just how my life feels from time to time.   If I force myself, I can almost hear the thumping of my heart beating profusely in my chest from the thought of him walking in this room.

I shouldn’t be so punctual all the time…it only causes more anxiety than I already have to deal with.

Hearing the soft vibration coming from below the table, I roll my chair back andslowly lean down to retrieve the device that is causing the distraction. Running my finger against the screen, I quickly unlock the code to the phone andstart skimming through my messages. I’m still not a fan of touch screen phonesbut apparently the choices are very limited at this day in age. What ever happened to flip phones anyway?

“Busy as always I see”

I jump at the sound of his voice as my eyes quickly land on his face while he stands in the doorway of the conference room.

“John….hi.”

“Marlena…”  He nods and slowly walks to the opposite end of the table, where he pulls back the leather chair and unbuttons his suit jacket while taking a seat across from me.  Reaching out his arms to stretch so that he has more room to move around in his jacket while sitting, before he folds his hands together and rests them against the conference room table while looking out the window.

I continue scrolling through my messages before I hear the person responsible for our meeting, enter the room.  Placing my phone down, we bothstand up in unison as I slowly reach out and shake the slender hand of this middle aged woman before me.

“Brenda, always a pleasure.”

“Marlena, John….it’s always good to see you.  Please have a seat.  I’m sorry for the delay, it’s been a crazy morning.”

“No worries….I just got here myself.”  John smiles as he runs his hand down his tie before sitting back down in his chair.  Hitting the close button on my phone, I turn my attention to Brenda as I place my fidgety hands in my lap.

“So as you both know, I started the documents for your son’s account.  Going based on your requests, we have managed to put together some figures that would be pretty beneficial for his future.”  She opens the folder and presents both of us with some paperwork as we silently look over the documents and figures presented on the sheets of paper.  “As you can see, these numbers will insure A to B….and cover everything from C to Z.”

My eyes browse over every detail listed on this thin sheet of paper as she explains

in great detail about Damian’s future.  You never expect to sit at a meeting to discuss

your son’s future with a stranger in case something should happen to either parent down

the line.  You also never expect to be making decisions like this as individuals and not

as a united couple, but it is what it is.  Life isn’t exactly what you expect it to be and

you just need to accept it for what it is.

“Does everything appear to be correct?”  Brenda asks quietly as she cautiously looks between John and I.  Quickly skimming once more, I roll my shoulders back and lightly brush my bangs from out of my eyes as I lightly nod my head.

“Looks good to me…John?”

He clears his throat before tapping his thick fingertips against his lips.  “Just one, on page 2, third paragraph, it claims that Damian will be granted the full amount listed, regardless of the terms or changes in any documents?”

“Such as what documents?”  I can’t help but speak up.

“Such as a will.  Regardless if either one of us should change our wills, he will always be granted the amount we sign off on correct? ”

“That would be correct Mr. Black.  You may always add to your will and leave him with a variety of options such as property, jewels, etc….but this trust will be locked away for Damian and Damian only at the amount that is agreed upon.”

“I’m good with that….I’m good with this Brenda.  Run it.”  He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he slides the paper over to her.

“If we’re all in agreement, then I will get the documents going and come back with the final paperwork to sign off on.  It should be about 10 minutes or so.  Are you able to wait or do you need to be somewhere?”

Shaking my head, I tell her that I am available as John motions for her to go get the paperwork going.  “We’ll wait. Thanks Brenda.”  John smiles as she walks out the room.  Together, stuck in this quiet room, we sit opposite each other with eyes focused on everywhere but each other.

“So how is my boy doing today?”  He breaks the ice a bit as I look up and smile softly.

“He is fine…mischievous as always but doing great.”

“That’s good. “  We really have lost our connection…we used to be good at this kind of thing.

“How are you?  How’s the company?”  I try to make small chat…if not…these next 10 minutes are going to be hell.

“Doing really well actually.  I need to be in Rome on Monday.”

“Oh, new production?”

“New line up…we’re trying something different.”

“I see.”

“But I’ll be back Thursday morning, just in time to have Damian for the weekend.”

“So you will be back in time?”

“Of course.”

“Okay.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t tell you and pop up last minute saying I wasn’t available.”

“You never know.”

It suddenly goes quiet and the room just went from being awkward to uncomfortably tense.  That could be my fault.

“Can I ask you something Marlena?”

“Is it about our children?”

“It’s not about our kids, no. Well not completely.”

I dip my head down and shake it slowly, trying to buy time and hopefully get him to forget the idea of asking me questions.

“Well?”

“I don’t see what we need to discuss if it has nothing to do with our kids?”

“Some things don’t always revolve around our children.”

“Well in our case, it should only be limited to that.”  I cross my hands together and lay them on the table.  “What do you want to ask me?”

“A couple of things actually.”  He sighs and leans back in his chair, watching me closely for a reaction.

“John, I don’t have time for games.”

“Who said it’s a game?”

“John…” I sigh and turn my eyes from him.  “I think we’re too old to play this routine.  We’ve been there and done that.”

“No one is playing games…I simply want to ask you a question, that’s all. Why are you so defensive?”

Frustrated, I toss my hair to one side and eye him slowly.  “I don’t think we need to discuss anything other than our kids.  Other than that, it’s off limits.”

“Well that’s too bad.”

Shrugging, I nervously bounce my legs under the table as I begin to look out the window at the cloudy gray skies.

“Are you seeing someone?”

“Excuse me?”  His question throws me off and hits me like a ton of bricks that I quickly turn my attention back to him.

“Are -you –seeing -someone?”  The way he says this so condescendingly, annoys me.

“You’re joking right?  This is what you want to ask me?”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“Because I don’t see how any of that is relevant or your concern for that matter.”

He smirks as he twiddles his thumbs and watches my reaction, my temper.  “What’s his name?”

“I’m not answering these questions.”

“Why? Am I wrong?”

“How is this your concern again?  What I do in my personal life is my business, not yours.”  I try to keep my voice down and lean over the table for him to hear my heated whisper.

“It becomes my concern when this man is around my children, specifically my 3 year old.”

“Oh please, you just want to be possessive is all. Those days are long gone John.”

“So you are seeing someone and you are bringing him around my child?”  He says that line a bit too angrily as he stands up from the chair and walks over to the window.  Sticking his hands firmly in his pockets, he keeps his back to me as he blankly stares across town.  I don’t plan on giving him any information…no more than I need to.  “You know I had more respect for you Marlena.  I never thought of you as the type of woman who would bring any flavor of the week around our kids…I clearly misjudged you.”

“Don’t you dare do that.  Don’t accuse me of something you have no idea about.”

He turns around quickly and walks to the table.  “You think kids don’t talk?  You don’t think my 3 year old son tells me things?”

“That depends on who is the one asking the questions.”

“Excuse me?”  He squints as he looks at me.

“I’m thinking there is more to this story.  I think you are the one sitting in front of our son, asking him questions about Mommy.”

“Please Marlena….A little credit.  I don’t care about what you do in your life….I left this marriage remember?”

“We both left….it wasn’t only you.”

“So you think I am sitting Damian down and asking him about your sex life?”

“Not in so many words but yes….I think you are.  I can’t imagine our son is coming home to you and saying that Mommy has a boyfriend.”

“Well prepared to be shocked.  At least I have enough sense to never bring around the women I see in front of our child.”

“That could be because you only sleep with them and don’t date them.”  Just then the door opens and we both look towards the doorway.  Brenda brings us the new documents with a couple of pens.  Placing them in front of us, we quickly look over the revised agreement as we reach for the pens.  Putting the tip of the pen to the paper, I quickly sign my name across the line and date the signature.  Just as quickly, John grabs the pen from my hand and elegantly scribbles his name as well.  I always loved his writing.

“Alright….that’s it.  Thank you Marlena and John.  I will get these notarized and shipped to your attorneys.

“Thank you Brenda.”  We both say in unison as John glances at me and walks away.  Gathering my purse, I grab my phone and stand up from the table.

“Are you sleeping with him?”

“I’m so done with this conversation.”  I prepare to walk away but he blocks my path, using his body as a barricade.  When I attempt to side step him, he moves his body again to block me.

“Is it serious?”

“Really John? Really?”

“Yes really.”

“Yes, it’s serious…which is why Damian has met him.  There I said it…is that what you wanted to hear?  You feel better now?”  Angrily I shove at his chest to move as I side step him and walk quickly out the room.

II.

I wish when I was young, that someone actually sat me down and gave me the hard cold truth about life.  I would have greatly appreciated the version of honesty over some ill fated fairytale that was drummed into my brain over and over again and again.  I know those stories are meant to encourage children for a better life but in the end, I believe its only emotionally damaging.  I’m still waiting for the day where I come across a children’s book that  in the end, the princess doesn’t get it all.  Much like my life really. She does in fact find the prince charming but the forever in love life just doesn’t live up to the dream.  It could have saved me a lot of time and tears….tons of disappointment and empty promises.

My mind flickers back to our earlier meeting this afternoon.  For some reason, I can’t remove the image of his eyes from my thoughts….his actions not so much. I remember the way his ice cold stares would slice my way when we needed to speak to one another.  The emptiness his voice possessed when he found the urge to actually say more than one word to me.  The glances he gave me when he asked me about the man I was seeing.  I remember not wanting to look up in to his eyes, afraid of the disappointment and betrayal I would see building there.  I also remember hearing the disgust in his voice when the thought of sharing my life with another that wasn’t him, was actually no longer an assumption.

The wine that I’m sipping doesn’t seem to sooth my edginess nor does it take away the tension in my neck and shoulders.  A loud clash of thunder sounds off above the house as I slightly jump from the distraction. Placing down my glass along the coffee table, I quickly rise from the soft fabric of the couch and turn my attention to the staircase, preparing for the cry of my 3 year old son.  The urge to check on him increases when I don’t hear his whines or cries from the loud clashes of the storm.  The weather seems to be quite brutal tonight, something Salem hasn’t seen in quite sometime.  With constant flashes of lightening and continuous thunder clashes, its a shock my son woken hours ago.  Preparing to climb the steps, the doorbell sounds off which is quite unusual at this time, even more so because of the storm.  Slowly walking to the front door, I glance through the peephole and softly smile as I quickly unlock the door and pull it open.

“Well, Well….isn’t this a surprise?  What are you doing here, in this storm?”  I smile and open the door wider, welcoming my guest.

“Who said I’m not spontaneous?”  His smile is soft and charming as he smooths the rain drops from his hair and shakes his button up shirt as if that will help dry it.

“I don’t know…word has it you are pretty predictable.”  My laugh is flirtatious as I close the front door and smooth my hand down his back to wipe the water that is trailing there.

Samuel Patterson.  A wonderful businessman I had the pleasure of meeting on a business venture in New York months ago during a seminar.  I wasn’t looking for a companion but somehow that changed after I agreed to a dinner date.  Standing at 6’2, his features are similar to Johns, which might be the reason I am quite attracted to him.  His eyes, dark green with dark lashes give him a Mediterranean look.  His physique: moderately built with a medium frame.  His hair: dark and short….his lips: full and kissable.

“Ah I see….I might need to change that.”  His words are low as he slightly turns and grabs my wrist and pulls me to the front of him.  Wrapping an arm around my ck, he pulls me closer to his body as his lips attach to mine sweetly.  We stay locked in a kiss for what seems like minutes before I pull away gently and smile shyly, touching my lips and removing myself from his hold.  “You taste like wine…celebrating something?”

I shake my head and begin to walk back to the living room area as I reach for my glass.  “I didn’t know having a glass of wine was considered celebrating.  Isn’t that champagne?”

“You’re right…silly me.  Red?”

I hold my glass and swirl the remnants of what is in the glass as I look at him.  “Does this look red?”

“Someone is quite feisty tonight.  We might need to put that to good use.”  His laugh is low and he comes to me slowly while grabbing the glass from my hand and putting it on the table.  He grabs at my face and tenderly pecks my lips before engulfing his mouth around my lips and sucking gently as I lightly moan into his mouth.

“Sam, hold on.”  I try to breathe but his kisses are persistent.  “Sam, sweetie…stop for a second, please.”

“Come on baby…”  He whines against my lips as he backs me up and guides me down to the couch.  He continues to assault my mouth with his kisses.  His hands quickly start roaming along my body, hoping to create a spark up my mood and turn me into the vixen he is longing for.  “What better night than right now…with the storm, lightening, quiet…”  he breathes as his lips skim along my chin to my neck.

“No, not tonight.  Damian is here.”

He pulls away slowly and looks down at me with lusty gazes.  “In his room, asleep right?”

My hands move to his chest where I push him off gently and I gather myself to sit on one side of the couch.  “Yes but that doesn’t mean I will roll around in bed with you while my son is another room.”

He nods his head knowingly and sighs as he sits along the couch, a good distance away from me.  “I’m not suggesting we have sex in front of him Marlena.  I mean we could easily make love down here on the couch, quite a bit away from where he sleeps.”

“Absolutely not….I’m not comfortable with that idea.”  I reach for my glass and anxiously put it to my lips as I take a long sip of the cool wine as it flows down my throat.  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be dismissive but I just don’t feel right about doing that with my son in the house.”

“Is it me?”  He sadly looks at me as I turn my head from the glass to glance into his eyes.

“Why would you think this is about you?”

He lifts his eyebrows a bit and crushes his hands together in his lap.  “Maybe because you’ve been avoiding me for sometime now. Especially when I try to seduce you.”

I smile slightly as I shake my head.  “It’s not about you at all…I’m just a bit stressed is all.  This has nothing to do with you.”

He begins to scoot closer to me as he leans an arm behind me along the couch.  “I’m relieved because I can’t get enough of you.  You drive me insane with passion that whenever I am near you, I can’t stop thinking about you…in that way.”  His lips cautiously begin to roam my shoulders, testing the waters to see if I will push him away.  When I don’t reject his affection, he begins to run his lips and tongue near my neck as he takes swipes of skin there.

“Samuel, please….don’t.”  I sigh quietly as I close my eyes and attempt not to get lost from his art of seduction. I feel his mouth hit the spot right below my ear that drives me to the brink of all control.  I feel myself getting lost within his smooth touches and soul shaking kisses when Damian’s screams pierce the lust driven moment Samuel created.  Prying my lips away from his tempting kisses, I climb away from his hold and make my way to Damian’s room.  The doorbell sounds off yet again as I pause mid step and look to the door and then at my watch.  Samuel adjusts his shirt as he rises off the couch and tells me to attend to Damian as he goes for the door.  Hesitant, I wait for a second before deciding to climb the rest of the staircase and tend to my upset child.

My breath hitches in my throat when I hear that familiar voice as I walk down the steps holding my sleepy child.  Both set of eyes cast upon me and Damian as I blink slowly towards Samuel and then at John.  His hair soaked from the rain and his jaw tense with anger, hands balled into fist at his sides, most likely from the image of another man answering my door.

I can barely speak, I can’t even choke out a single word but somehow manage to whisper his name. “John?”

“Marlena…”

I fidget with Damian in my arms as he finally notices his father and begins to reach for him.  “Daddy…”  I continue to hold my son even through his protests to be out of my hold and into his fathers.  “Mommy, down…daddy.”

“Where is my boy at?”  John manages to force out a smile and lighten up his voice a bit for the sake of our son.  With open arms, I let down Damian as he takes off running to his father, who lifts him up quickly and hugs him tightly.  All the while, Samual stands there awkwardly looking between both John and I.

“Samuel, this is John….Damian’s father.”  Nervously, I begin to introduce them even though it might be a little too late in the game.

“We’ve met.”  Short and quick, John shows his disregard for him.

I nod my head as I look over at John and then at Samuel, who looks like he trying desperately for an excuse to leave the room.  I feel the need to save him.

“Sam, can you take that glass and put it in the kitchen for me please.”  Without hesitation, he walks to retrieve the glass and quickly disappears out the room, leaving John, Damian, and I alone.  He looks so angry and I can understand, I would be too if situations were reversed.  “John, it’s not what it looks like.”

“I’m sure.  Tell me, do you usually go at it with my son just rooms away?  Seems kind of inappropriate.”

“John, I wasn’t going at it, as you put it.  That’s not what is happening here.”

“Your business is your business, just don’t do that with my child in this house.”  It wasn’t a request, it was a demand.  I can respect his feelings only because it involves our son.

“Is there something you needed?”  Looking behind me quickly, I check to see if Samuel is still out of the room before turning back towards John and walking closer to him.

“There is actually. I wanted to speak with you about some last minute arrangements that have popped up in my schedule and I thought we could discuss it.  I didn’t think you would have guests, apologies.”  It sounds more like sarcasm then apologetic.

“It’s not a big deal.  What is going on?  Could this have not been discussed through a phone call?”

“Like I said, it was some last minute changes that needed to be dealt with which is why I came over.”  We both hear footsteps enter the room as we turn and glance at Samuel walking into the living room slowly.  John clears his throat as I turn my attention back towards him. “Can we discuss this in private?”

“It’s okay…I am going to get going anyway.  This is a family matter and I have an early morning tomorrow.” Sam speaks up as he begins to gather his keys off the table and reach for his blackberry off the couch.  I stare over at him sincerely as I clumsily walk towards his direction and give him an awkward hug, thanking him for stopping by.  “Have a good night…I will talk to you later.  John, it was very nice to have met you.”  Reaching out his hand, John stares down at his open palm for what I feel is much too long, and then quickly places his hand in his.

“Likewise.  Have a good evening.”

When the front door is closed, I turn towards my boys as I see them now sitting along the couch as Damian is jumping in his father’s lap, blowing kisses along his cheek.  I smile because my heart flutters, but the bitter part of my being makes me wish that John be anywhere else but in my home.

“So what’s going on?  What is the big emergency.”

John is smiling as he is staring at his son and kissing his head repeatedly as continues to bounce him in his lap.  “I need to leave town for a bit.”

“This is the emergency?”  I wait to see his reaction.  When he nods, I continue,  “On business?”  He nods again.  “For how long?”

“3 months.” I almost choke when I repeat his words.

“Is this for Basic Black?”

“It is.”

“Why so long?  Wait…You’re probably going to be coming back here and there during those 3 months, right?”

“No, I will be gone for that long.  I wanted to talk over the schedule regarding Damian because obviously, this changes things.”

“John, wait, why are you going so long?”

“I need to.  Trust me….I need to leave and sort out some issues.”

“What issues?”  I’m so confused that all these questions keeps falling out of my mouth as if we were still married and I have the right to know every detail.   “Are you going to Italy?”

He nods his head at me but refuses to answer my other question.

“What about Damian…how will he get by without you?  He needs his father.”

“I need him more but he has his mother to get him by until my return.”  I shake my head and smile lightly….I know I’m his mother but sometimes I just don’t cut it for Damian.  Every little boy needs his daddy and Damian is no different.

“When do you leave?”

“Tonight.”  He glances at his watch.   “In fact, in a couple hours my flight leaves.”

“What?”  John stands up with Damian as he bounces him in his arms as he begins to ask him questions.  He starts to explain that he will be gone and that he must listen to me at all times until he gets back.  “John, wait.  Talk to me…why are you leaving so soon?”

“Marlena, please.  Just concentrate on my boy and I will try to be back as soon as I can.”

“Where can I reach you? Your cell, offices?”

“You can call my cell.  I will do what I can to help in anyway but until then, keep an eye on my boy.”

Damian begins to get fidgety in John’s arms and constant yawns begin to escape him.  With tired eyes, he rubs them gently as John pats his back.  Within moments, Damian begins to place his head along John’s shoulder as John sways him back and forth while I look along, almost saddened about the news of John leaving.  I don’t know when all of a sudden I started caring about John’s whereabouts but I do know, I’m beyond upset about his departure.  More so for our son than anything else.

After noticing Damian’s heavy eyelids, I inform John that he is down for the night.  I explain to him where his room is if he wanted to go ahead and put him in bed.  Within moments, John disappears up the stairs as I slowly pace the room before trying to relax my nerves and sit down along the sofa.  After what seemed like forever, I hear the heavy steps of John’s as he descends the stairway and walks over to where I’m seated.  He doesn’t bother to sit, he only stands and glances around before looking down at me.

“John, are you going to tell me what is wrong?  I know something is happening, I can see it your face.”

He shakes his head but doesn’t say a word.  He places his hands into the pocket of his trousers and sighs heavily.  I look up at him, hoping he may have a change of heart and explain to me about what in hell is happening.  “I need to go.  Do me a favor and take care of my son for me.  I will do my best to call and check in but I can’t guarantee I will be available all the time.  Leave word with my assistant should you need to get a hold of me and can’t find me.”  He begins to step back but I quickly rise to my feet as I reach out and grab a hold of his arm.

“Don’t leave like this.  You cannot just walk out like this and leave me with these kind of details.  What is going on John?”

His jaw tenses as he breathes in deeply.  “The little you know about this, the best it is for all of us.  Now please look after Damian.  I know this screws up our schedule we agreed on, but I have no other choice.  I came here to offer you some ideas for babysitters but I think you might have that figured out. It would be insulting to assume you can’t handle that. I came here to offer a hand and I can’t even do that…I’m sorry. ”  He glances at his watch.  “I really need to get going.”

He is quickly out of my reach and near the front door when I stride over to him and grab at his arm again.  “John, please…tell me what is happening?”

“Not now.”  He reaches out to grab my arms and gently pulls me into a hug.  We stay locked in a tight embrace for what seems like hours before he pulls away and places his soft lips along my forehead.  “I won’t insult you by asking you not to bring men around here..but just don’t do that with my son in the house.  That is all I ask.”  He places another kiss on my head before releasing me from his hold and placing a hand on the door knob.  I watch him turn his back on me as he begins to leave the room and deep part of my soul begins to ache as I watch this man depart from our lives for the next three months.

III.

If you asked me how I felt about John a week ago, my facial expression would have said it all.  No words would have ever been needed to describe John and our tension.  Just the thought of John being brought up in a conversation was enough to spark up the anger that still lies within.  Just last week, I despised the thought of his eyes watching me, his hands touching me other than a handshake, or his lips along my cheek.  As of last week, he was simply the estranged ex in my life who I had no interest in doing anything with, other than discussing our son’s schedule.

I don’t know what part of me started having a change of heart but I do know when I watched my son’s father walk out my front door, a part of me that I thought died long ago, began to ache again.  The part that I thought had gotten over John had begun to long for him once more.  I truly don’t believe that I will ever stop loving that man, or longing to be close to him when I cannot be.

I do know that my heart dropped when John’s foot stepped out my front door as he began to make his way out into the pouring rain. I do remember swallowing my pride when I reached out again and pulled him back into the house.  I forgot all about the independent Marlena figure that I tried so hard to create after our split.  I became the woman who was afraid to let go, the woman who desperately wanted her family to stay intact.

I remember begging him not to leave and trying to get him to open up to me about the real reason for his last minute business venture.  As always, John Black the ever tight lipped agent he is, kept his words to a minimum and a straight face.  I guess I’m not privileged enough to know the personal details of his business anymore…why should I?

I don’t remember exactly when the passion of having him in my arms again became such a need until tonight.  It was almost as if we warped back into 1993, the airplane, the pouring rain, the raging storm outside, the begging and crying…the desperation.   Before I could explain why I was preventing him from leaving, I was pulling at his face and smothering his mouth and jaw with open kisses as he slightly tried to fight me and push me away from the madness I was creating.

He was stunned at first, almost scared when I reached for his face.  He pushed me away slightly with shocked eyes but I insisted on groping his face and reaching for his mouth with mine.  I’m sure the last thing on his mind was for me to be in his arms.

It didn’t take long for the urge to hit him and I didn’t hesitate when he gripped onto my face and plunged his tongue into the depths of my mouth.  Instead of stopping things as I had done not so long ago with Samuel, whom was now nothing but a distant memory, I encouraged John to continue with his deep sensual kisses as I continued to part my lips to give him the access he desired.

The mere thought of being inappropriate in my own home with our son only rooms away, as I had mentioned that not that long ago to another man, only fueled my desire to have John as close to my body as possible.  That was just it though, the keyword ‘OUR son’ is what justified everything. There is nothing inappropriate about his father and mother reuniting together in his home.  This is most natural thing for parents to do, regardless of the situation they may be in.

I didn’t stop him when he lifted me off my feet and gathered my legs around his waist.  I urged him on when he began walking clumsily towards the couch where he slowly lowered himself on his knees and placed me gently on my back along the sofa cushions as he hovered over my body.  Truth be it, I wanted this man.  I couldn’t refuse his touches when his fingers began unbuttoning my blouse buttons slowly from top to bottom.  His mouth was like a magnet as it nipped and swallowed the flesh covering my jaw.

His thick fingers finally undid my blouse as he quickly slid it down my arms and threw it over the couch.  With skillful hands, he ran his hands down my lacy clad breasts and across the span of my ribcage.  Slowly he dipped down to take swipes of the exposed flesh that was not being covered by the lacy material of my bra.  Our mouths connected with such intensity that I thought for a moment, I wasn’t going to be able to breathe.  We both battled for control as we took turns at swallowing each others mouth whole.

I began to sense his hesitation as he started pulling away, his mouth no longer against my skin.  His eyes were dark with lust but there was also confusion present in them.  “We can’t do this Marlena.”

“Of course we can. Don’t stop.  Keep kissing me.”

“Sweetheart, no wait.”  He backed up a bit and lifted up, standing along his knees and trying to catch his breath.  “I really need to catch that plane.  I can’t stay.  I honestly have to go.”

Without hesitation, I sat up and pulled him down to the couch where I hurriedly sat him down.  Just as quickly as I pushed him against the back of the couch cushions, did I crawl over his lap and straddle his thighs.  My lips quickly found his as I began to tug and pull at his wet lips while my hands began to yank and pull the hem of his shirt from his pants.  I could hear his moans but his hands weren’t moving along my body.

“Marlena…I need to go.”  His whine was telling me that he had to leave me but his actions were beginning to tell me another story.  Like magic, his hands had found my thighs as they began to squeeze and wander down the span of my legs.  His fingers were quickly undoing the button to my jeans as my fingers worked at pulling apart the tiny buttons on his shirt.  I don’t know if it was nervousness or anxiousness but I couldn’t get my shaking fingers to undo his buttons fast enough.  “Marlena, baby…I need to get on that plane.”

My mouth quickly latched on to his as I pried open his shirt and pushed it away from his shoulders.  My hands immediately went to his chest as my fingers began to run down the luscious dark curly hairs along his chest.  His touches were all over my body….from my thighs, to my hips, to all the way down my back…it was almost as if he couldn’t touch enough.

“What are we doing Marlena?”  I could hear the confusion…I could almost see it when his eyes would open and he would look straight at me.

“I know I’m confusing you.  I’m confused myself and I don’t know why this is happening.  But all I do know is that I cannot let you go…not tonight.  I cannot let you get onto that plane and leave us.  I need you.” I rambled those words out so quickly that I wasn’t even sure he may have heard them. “Don’t you want me?”

“You know I do.”  His growl was filled with passion but I could still see he was having an internal battle with himself.

“Then kiss me….touch me.” Barely above a whisper, I began moving my hands up and down his chest as I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and crush me to his body.  He obeyed my commands as we took turns swallowing each others lips and tongues while our hands began to do their own magic.  His seduction was causing pools of moisture to form between my thighs from the anticipation of having him inside of me.

Somewhere in the midst of our kissing, he managed to undo my jeans and pull them from my body.  With me now sitting above him in only a bra and panties, I watched him closely as I started to unbuckle his belt.  We both sat quietly as we looked into each others eyes as my fingers began to do the work of removing the material that was covering what I so desperately needed.  He was still fully dressed, his dress shirt open but still on his body, his black trousers still very much covering the lower portion of his body.  With one flick, I undid the inside button before turning my attention to the last button on his pants.  Watching him even closer, I pulled down his zipper slowly as his eyes suddenly became a little heavier.

My hand slipped into his black dress pants as it immediately found his erection through his fitted boxers.  His head dipped back as my hand gripped onto his bulge and I slowly ran my hand up and down his length.  With closed eyes, he moaned slightly as he lifted his hips off the couch with every stroke that I did to his erection.  Just the thought of having him being buried deep within me was causing my nerves to vibrate a million times a minute. It wouldn’t be long before John would begin to feel my excitement pooling above his thighs.

“I need to go sweetheart.”

“Shh, no you don’t.”  I lick my lips as I continue to pump him lightly.  “I’ve missed this.”  I whispered sexily in his neck as my teeth lightly scraped along the masculine scent covering his flesh.

He barely choked out his reply.  “Its missed you.”  Lifting his head, his mouth grabbed onto my lips as our tongues fought against one another and our lips tangled together.   Only after a few seconds, did he pull back from our kiss and removed my hand from his penis.  “I need to ask you something.”

“Right now?”  I was shocked that he actually stopped me from touching him

“Yes right now.”

“Can’t it wait?”  I leaned into to kiss him but he pulled back and held me still in his lap.

“No it can’t.  Look at me.”  His voice was stern and his face was serious.  After I looked at him, I reached out to run my hands across his chest but he stopped them and pushed them gently back to my sides.  “Are you fucking him?”

“What?”  Now it was my turn to be thrown off.

“You heard me.  Answer the question.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“You know who I am talk about….are you fucking him?”  I stared into his eyes as I smiled and shook my head unbelievably.   “Answer me.”

“No John, I am not sleeping with him.” I went to move my hands again but this time he grabbed them and pinned my wrists within his hold, holding them between us.

“I’ m not so sure I believe that.”

“Why would I lie?”  He continued to stare at me, watching to see if I would stutter or change my story.

“Are you seeing him?”

“Are we really having this conversation right now? Why are we even discussing this?”

“I want to know…Answer me.”

“I don’t even know how to answer that question.  What do you mean seeing…as in dating?”  I truly was confused by that point.

“Yes, are you dating him.”

“We have been on a few dates, yes.”  I could see a little bit of pain in those blue eyes.

“Is he serious?”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Answer me.”  Still holding my wrists, I tried to squirm and move them from his grasp but he wouldn’t let go.

“John, please….”

“Answer me…please.”  His edge had softened.

“Don’t do this…not right now.”  He still wouldn’t drop the topic and I could tell if I didn’t answer, this would go nowhere. “No John…he is not serious.  He is just someone I am talking to.  Nothing else other than that.”  By that time, he had released my arms and allowed them to fall at my sides.  Taking the first step, I leaned in and went close to ear.  “Does that make you feel better?”  Barely whispering, I allowed my tongue to skim along the outer rim of his ear before tracing a path down the side of his neck.

He didn’t answer me but his groan told me all that I needed to know.  His fingers quickly ran up my thighs and slid beneath my body, where they slipped along side of my panties in search of the button I’d been hoping he would find.  Breathing in deeply, I shut my eyes softly and moaned out as he began to work his magic along my sensitive nub.  My hips began to move on their own against his hand as I bit my lower lip to stop from crying out in pleasure.  Unable to contain myself, I reached down into his pants and began rubbing his organ roughly as he too began to cry out and flick his fingers even faster between my legs.

Completely out of nowhere, his voice broke the soft moans as he whispered in my ear.  “I know you were kissing him earlier.”  My hand froze along his erection and his fingers all of a sudden had disappeared from between my legs.  I pulled back to look at him but said not a word, in hopes that it was my imagination.  When he didn’t say anything and only continued to stare at me, did I get the courage to speak up.

“What?”

“Do you want to know how I know?”  Again, I was too nervous to speak.  I only stared back into his eyes before he leaned in and began kissing the tops of my breasts that were spilling over the lacy cups of my bra.  When he pulled back, I watched him even closer.  “Your lips….”  He paused to lift his hips a little and grind them into me.

“My lips?”

“Your lips were swollen and red.  That is how I know you were kissing him.”  If John never knew what humiliation looked like, he would sure know now because it was written all over my face.  I was completely embarrassed and I don’t know why.  Up until an hour ago, I was handling my own life, and moving on in my own world.  It was only by John’s comment about him leaving town that made me snap and fall back into his arms.  My actions had completely came out of left field and I know even after we are through here, we’ll still be confused as to what happens now.

“I’m sorry John.”  I literally had not a clue what else to say to him.

“Don’t apologize…My only question for you is why are you doing this?  Why are you all of a sudden in my lap kissing me?  Is it because of him?”

I shake my head sadly while running my hands down his arms.

“You can tell me the truth.  Is this why you’re all hot and heavy?  You want me to extinguish the fires he started earlier before I got here?”

“No John, that is not it at all.”

“I don’t want to be the man who is pleasing you when another man is on your mind and caused you to react like this.  I don’t want to be your second choice.  I’m not going to play this game.”

“You’re not.  I want you and only you.”

“If I had not come, would you have been doing this with him right here, right now?”

“No John, no…..I swear.”  I move in to kiss him softly on his mouth but I can tell he isn’t so sure about my answers.  “Please believe me.”

He turns his face away and takes a deep breath.  “Okay.”

“I don’t want to be with him in this way.”

“Enough about him.  My job is to make you forget about him…period.”  Just as quickly as those words came out of his mouth, was his mouth on me and his hands reaching behind me and gripping onto my rear, tugging me closer to his body and grinding our lower halves.  We both watched one another as we rocked our hips together, grinding our sexes against each other.  Small pecks were given but with each brush of his organ against my damp silk panties, I would moan anxiously.

Within seconds, I felt his hand move between our bodies as he continued to flick at my oversensitive button.  Unable to control myself anymore, I reached down into his pants and pulled out his erection from the slit of his boxers.  Pumping quickly, I watched him jerk beneath me as he cried out before breathing in deeply and pinning my hips still above his thighs.

“I want you in me.”  I felt the need to beg, I wanted him to take control.  He didn’t say anything, in fact, he didn’t even look at me.  I felt the tip of his manhood along my panties as we continued to grind slowly.  John lifted his hips a bit before sitting back down as I prepared myself for what was about to come.  It was John that grabbed himself and pumped his manhood in preparation.  It was John’s fingers that reached out and moved my panties to one side as he led his tip to my waiting center.  It was John that continued to tease me by rubbing his organ up and down my slick folds as we both moaned in pleasure.

I reached out and placed my hands on the back of the sofa cushions as John slowly lifted my hips and brought them down onto his member.  Closing my eyes in passion, I felt his long thick organ expanding my walls as it slid in slowly and settled into the place it used to call home for so long. We both sighed as John dipped his head back and I dropped my head onto his chin from the extreme ecstasy that was taking over my body.  For the first time in a very long, my body was screaming in pleasure from not being touched by John in so long.

We rocked softly at first, both of us in no hurry to reach that point of no return. I wanted to so badly find that tempo that would bring me to the edge but I fought the urge and controlled my pace.  We took the time to kiss one another, touch each other and enjoy the moment for what it was.  I felt his hands guide my hips into the motion he craved as I moved my long blonde hair to one side of my shoulder and concentrated on the rhythm of my hips.  I felt his hand reach up and pull one of my breast out from their cups as he leaned in to take my nipple in his mouth. The sensational feeling of his wet tongue against my swollen skin was enough to make come right there and then.

Our paces began to hurry as we both now were fighting to keep the battle going. I remember squeezing his shirt in my hands and tugging on the material because I felt that I couldn’t get close enough to him. I remember him slapping at the skin of my backside as he continued to bounce my hips along his still trouser covered thighs.  I remember wondering how was he supposed to leave straight to a plane when there would sure be evident signs on his black pants of what took place.  I remember feeling John tugging at my panties and then hearing the loud tear of fabric that broke the sounds of moaning.  I felt him rip the torn fabric from my body and throwing it across our bodies and onto the floor.  I remember feeling his hips lift off the couch repeatedly as he brought my hips down roughly to meet his halfway.  I remember the slight pain yet amazing pleasure coursing through my body at his penis being so deeply buried within my center.  I remember worrying that our much louder than usual groans would be heard by our son who I was hoping would go undisturbed upstairs.

I expected to finish up on the couch but John apparently had other plans.  I remember him pushing up so hard into my body that my eyes could barely stay open from the electrifying pleasure surging throughout my nerves.  My tender walls were pulsating around his thick organ as they began to squeeze and milk him with an uncontrollable pressure. I was close, so very close.  I watched him shut his eyes tightly as he screamed out in pleasure…I believe he screamed out my name.

My world stopped when he lifted my hips and  pulled his manhood out of my dripping center.  I remember thinking I must have been dreaming when everything came to a stop and I must be waking up soon.  When the much too real pangs of sexually driven nerves began to ache and the very present John was still sitting beneath me, did I realize that this was very much not a dream.  I was barely able to concentrate when I heard John’s voice break the silence.

“Where is your bedroom?”

I couldn’t speak.  I was only able to signal my answer when I pointed upstairs.

“Let’s go.”

“Why do you want to go to the bedroom?”  My shaky voice shocked me.

“Because I want to fuck you the way I really need to…in your bed.”  I swallowed hard as he ran his hands down my arms and to my hips.  “I need the room to roll around with you and do exactly what I need to do to you and this body.”  He leaned in to kiss me before pulling away slowly.  “I’m going to fuck you the way I’ve been craving to.”

When I reached for him to kiss him, he pulled away and gently lifted me up.  He helped me up to a standing position and slowly zipped up his pants before joining me. I went to put my arms around his neck but he turned me around quickly and slightly bent me over, grinding his much swollen penis into my backside.  Biting my neck, he continued to grind roughly as I squeezed his hands at my stomach and bit my lower lip in want.

“Guide the way.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The room is humid and warm with the slight scent of sex still present between these four walls.  My eyes fall towards John, who is completely worn out and sleeping peacefully beside me.  With a  thin sheet barely covering his lower body, I can still see signs of a semi hard penis hiding beneath the soft linen.  Before I could get any ideas, I let my eyes travel back to his face where his head is buried into the soft down pillows.  His chest rises and falls with every slow breath he takes in his sleep and I can’t help but wonder what he is dreaming of.

I am utterly and completely exhausted from the sex we just had.  I know that John and I were always incredible when it came to sex but I must admit, I had forgotten how good.  The sex on the couch was amazing but when he got me to the bedroom, all bets were off.  I don’t ever remember having orgasms continuously during one round of sex.  I do remember it being very pleasurable but tonight made drunk with desire. I was psychotic for  John’s touch and he did his very best to make sure I was pleased, in every sense of the word.

His stamina still impresses me.

Lifting my body up slightly from the bed, I hold the thin cool sheet to my chest as I glance at the clock on his side of the bed stand.  The green numbers blind my tired eyes as I begin to debate with myself whether I should fall asleep or check on my son one last time for the night.  I could seriously fall against these pillows and close my eyes until the sun pokes through my windows but I know that’s the selfish part of me talking.

Deciding to do what’s best, I lift myself slowly and carefully out the bed.  I take extra care to make sure that I do not make any noise or large movements that may wake John from his much needed rest.  After successfully making it out of bed, I begin to clumsily tip toe throughout the darken room as I step over John’s tossed clothes and thrown shoes across the bedroom floor.  Ducking down, I reach out and begin to lift and fold the scattered comforter that we managed to kick off the bed during our wild lovemaking that left us both; sore, tired, and drained. Managing to find my robe in the dark, I slip it over my body and sneak out the bedroom door, gently closing it behind me.

The soft moonlight fills our son’s room, chasing away shadows and casting a soft glow over his crib.  Creeping into his room, I quietly walk over to his crib to find a very tired little boy sleeping peacefully.  With one arm thrown above his head and the other arm draped across his chest, I remind myself that he is a wild sleeper, a trait I would like to blame on his father but we both know I too sleep the same way.  Running my hand across his legs, I reach for the blanket he has kicked off and slowly cover him back up, in fear that he may get cold throughout the rest of the night.  I smile down at him as his face twitches in his sleep and I say a small prayer, hoping that God grants him the best life he can offer.  I also pray that Damian is blessed with wonderful relationships and never has to go through the emotional rollercoasters his father and I put ourselves through.  Running my finger down the length of his body, I wait to see if he will budge, which will then give me a good idea how asleep he really is.  He only turns away and falls right back into his deep sleep.  I lean down and kiss the powder scented dark hair on his head as I whisper that I love him so very much.

After crawling back in bed and under the sheets with John, I look over at him and run my hand gently down his face.  I lean in closely towards him as I let my lips linger across his skin, coming across his thin tired lips.  Letting my lips peck at his, I watch him twitch before falling back into a deep sleep, just as his son did minutes before.  Even though I’m exhausted and sore, part of me still so badly wants to make love to him again.  I try to fight the urge but the bulge beneath the cover gives me far more ideas than sleeping.

I run my nails down his chest lightly as he tiredly turns away before fidgeting and opening his eyes slowly.  He looks over at me as he smiles gently while turning his head to glance at the time.

“You made me miss my flight.”  He stretches and yawns as I smile and continue to play with the hairs on his chest.

“I did.  I don’t think you wanted to leave anyway.”

He quietly laughs as he shakes his head back and forth.  “Well the offer to stay was tempting…but I really do need to go soon.”

My mood saddens.  “John, can you really tell me why you need to go?”

He shakes his head again and reaches a hand out to touch my face.  “In time I will.  But for now….just know that the less you know now is for the best.”

“Are you in some sort of trouble?”

“Shh, let’s just get a little sleep for now.”

“John…please tell me.”

“Not now…let’s sleep.”

Suddenly I’m not tired.  “I’m not sleepy.”  If anything, now I’m a bit angry he won’t tell me.

“You’re not? Well we might need to do something about that.”  He smiles playfully and sits up as he takes me in his arms and leans down for my mouth.

“John you know I can’t let this go.  Please tell me.”

“Later.” He kisses me so deeply that I begin to fall back into his seduction.  “You really should try to sleep…it feels wonderful.” We both fall back against the pillows as he holds me close.  I listen to his deep breaths as my hand slowly wanders down his body, finally coming to rest along his member.

Without words, I lift up from his hold and look at him as my hand continues to toy around between his legs.  Without words, I lift up the sheet from his hips and slide my body down until I am eye level with the part that has brought forth so much pleasure tonight.  Without words, I open my mouth and begin to tease the tip of him as I circle my tongue gently around his ridges.  He jerks, but manages to lay still as his breathing increases.

“You really don’t want me to go huh?”

“Mm-hmm” Is all I could manage as I begin to take more of him into my mouth.  With gentle suckles, I use my hand to make circular motions up and down his shaft with each suck that is given.  I pleasure him with my mouth because part of me feels that I need to.  I still feel as if I owe him something more for what he has done to me tonight.  His hands stop my head from moving as he gently guides me up his body and to his mouth.  Carefully, I crawl over him, parting my legs so that I am straddling his waist.  After a few moments of sensual kissing, I reach back and move the sheet laying against his legs, and lift up so that he can adjust himself for entry.

Carefully I guide myself down his length as we both moan, him in pleasure and I in discomfort.  It only takes a few thrusts before the pain fades to ecstasy and I begin to rock above him.  His hands fall to my breasts as he squeezes and teases while my fingers dig into his chest for balance.  We’re not hurried this time, we’re incredibly slow and relaxed.

Every move of our hips makes me feel each ridge that is sliding deep within my walls.  That’s how slow we are moving.  Earlier, it was a race for how many orgasms one could have with just one session but this time, it seems more about love.

“I don’t want you to leave.”  I don’t know why I feel the need to bring it up now but I thought I might as well get it out before it’s too late.

“I have to.”  He grunts roughly as I hit a spot that makes him jolt and pin my hips still.  “Why the sudden change?”  His words crack as he squints his eyes and sighs from the pleasure of my hips along his.

“I don’t…”  I have to pause to moan.  “know…I don’t know.”

“Do you still love me?”

“I never stopped John.” I bite my lower lip to silence the cry that wants to escape me.

He sits up and wraps his arms around my waist, flipping positions and laying me down on my back.  Opening my legs wider, he crawls between them until his hips touch mine.  His eyes never leave mine as he reaches between us to guide himself back into my wonderland.  When he starts to slide slowly in and out, he places his arms on each side of my shoulders and buries his hands into the mattress.  Slow pushes are given as I raise my legs and arch them along his torso.  My nails skim down his sides and come across his back as I get him closer to me.

“Why did you leave me?”  He sure finds a way to kill the mood.

“It was a mutual..Mmm”  I can’t help but cry out.  “The decision was mutual.”

“Was it?”  His plunges get harder as I begin to meet his thrusts.

“Yes”  I close my eyes as I feel myself being lost into that beautiful climatic world again.  The room is silent other than our breathing and soft cries.  It is then that a phone goes off.  At first, I thought it was John’s phone but the ringer sounds more like mine.  I look up to see John’s face turn towards the phone on my side of the nightstand but never stops thrusting into me as he does.  I can only assume who it is when he turns back at me and tenses his jaw. He plunges deeply in that moment which causes me to breathe in heavily.

“I want you to leave him.”

I can barely hear John.  He begins digging deeper which feels absolutely incredible. “Who?”

“Him.  You come to me when you need this.”  He falls to his elbows and pins my face in his hands as he forces me to open my eyes and look at him.  “I don’t care how long we’ve been apart…you belong to me.”  He leans down to kiss my lips as he begins to lose control rapidly.  His body slams into mine as my legs now lift up and wrap around his back.  The bed begins to squeak somewhat but the slapping of our skin is much more noticeable than the furniture squeaking.

Drowning in mutual sweat, I scrape my nails into his skin and dig as I completely lose control.  The wall in my dam has broken and I cry out into his shoulder as my legs begin to shake and my body trembles in my climax.  I bite onto his flesh because I can’t stop coming.  My stomach tickles as if I am free falling and the nerves between my thighs are tingling from the powerful surge that has hit me.  Not long after do I feel him fall over me, heavily breathing and placing open kisses along my shoulder and collar bone.  I only feel some of his warm seed slip from my body when he finally pulls away and gathers himself alongside of me.

Surprisingly, no words are said between us.  He only pulls me into his embrace as I rest my head above his chest. Before sleep claims me, I vow to find out the real reason he is leaving town and why he feels the need not to tell me.  I turn my head and lift up to place another soft kiss on his lips. Lowering my head on his chest, I close my eyes and finally give in to the the sleep that I’ve been needing as the sound of his heart beating plays throughout my ears.

IV.

As a doctor, I have been trained extensively to deal with the emotions and boundaries that relationships bring forth in one’s life.  I’ve had many years of experience, sitting down with various patients and watching them closely, hearing about their turmoils and consequences that their lives had been suffering through.   I would be lying if I said some of these cases had no affect on me personally.  I also would be lying if I told you that half of those cases were in no way similar to my own relationships.  But as any well trained professional psychiatrist, I would simply nod and find the best solution I could for my patients, even if I didn’t know the answers myself.

One month.  Yes, I have counted the days since he has been gone. It’s been 35 days since he left my side that early morning.  840 hours since he slipped out of my bed and dressed quietly in the low lit bedroom, the sun barely rising above the clouds to cast its glow on the day.  I can’t remember exactly when he crawled away from my embrace and began grabbing his clothing off the floor but I do remember slowly opening my eyes when I heard the buckle of his belt jingling while he was adjusting his pants.  My eyes quickly closed as the urge to keep them open were obviously a loosing battle.  Shortly after, I remember slowly waking to his soft whisper and warm kiss across my forehead.  Moving my head off the pillow, I recall calling out his name quietly while he finished buttoning the rest of his shirt.  ‘I need to go now. ‘ I don’t know if I fought him at that time, my energy level was almost non existent.  I do know that I asked him not to leave yet but he hushed me with a gentle finger across my lips and shook his head at me.   Leaning down, he placed a sweet open kiss against my lips before pulling away to look at me.  ‘Take care of my boy okay….and you too.  I’ll be in touch.’  Without another word, he laid another kiss along my lips and backed away, walking out the room slowly and quietly.

35 days and not one phone call, email, text message, skype call, smoke signal, nothing.  I know it shouldn’t upset me but it does.  I know his life no longer belongs to me but part of me believes that it does because of our children, especially for our youngest.  I believe I’m privileged to know about his whereabouts even more because I shared my body with him right before he left town.  Call it what you will….even possessive if it may be…but after sharing such an intimate part of my being with John, I feel that I deserve to be in the loop and know anything that John does.

Its been weeks since I’ve been able to concentrate on anything other than my son.  I’m physically in the office, meeting with patients but my mind is a millions miles away, constantly wondering about John and what could possibly be going on with him. I’ve tried to bury myself with work, in hopes that John could escape my thoughts but that too, fails miserably.  I find myself getting overly excited when I hear my phone ring or when it signals a new message has come through only to be disappointed after checking the screen.

Samuel, another wonderful man in my life who I just can’t find the time for.  It’s not his fault nor does he deserve this treatment; however, my priority really isn’t focused on him at the moment.  I know it’s rude to continually dismiss him as if he’s no one significant in my life, but I just don’t have the energy to focus on him when my mind is constantly on someone else.  I do need to call him back, I’ve only missed about 4 calls in the last 24 hours and have yet to return 5 messages from him.

I hate myself for doing this to Sam and to myself.  A month ago, I was a woman craving an independent life and moving along with someone new, someone whose company I enjoyed.  Even though our relationship had remained innocent, we were beginning to flirt with the idea of taking the next step, which may or may not have included making love.  I couldn’t tell you because I can’t speak for him but I know it didn’t happen and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that type of commitment but the idea was very much there.

I stare at my watch, wondering what exactly have I accomplished in the last 30 minutes or so.  Rubbing my open palms along my denim clad thighs, I glance out the window as I watch the sunlight creating shadows along the trees and lawn.  My attention quickly turns to my son as he unsteadily makes his way towards me while holding an unusually loud toy in hands.

“Wan to play Mommy?”  His face is so cute when he looks up at me, his eyes sparkling as he smiles.  I make a face and pretend to be surprised when he holds out his toy towards me.

“What is this baby?”

“Toy”  The way he stresses ‘toy’ out, amuses me that I lightly chuckle while taking it from his hands and inspecting it.

“Where did you get this Damian?”  I can’t say I have ever seen this particular toy before but then again, there are countless toys laying around the house that I swear I don’t remember ever buying.

“Ober dare” He points towards the living room as I nod my head and shake the toy only for it to loudly play musical chimes.

“Okay…let’s not do that again…hmm.”  I smile happily at my son as I place the toy down on the table while he stands there and lets out that adorable baby laugh that I can’t get enough of.  It’s because of my son that I haven’t drove myself insane with suspicions about John.  Lifting Damian onto my lap, I bounce him in my arms and nuzzle his neck as he squeals in delight. I feel his clammy cool hands grabbing my face as he demands my attention.

“Mommy….play burds.”  His question throws me off that I look at him confused.

“Birds? What birds sweetheart?”

He reaches for my phone on the table and grabs it, putting it in my open palm.  “Burds.”

“Oh, you mean you want to play angry birds?” My fingers automatically begin searching for that obnoxious game as my son bounces lightly in my lap and claps his hands in excitement.  Clicking the app, the annoying music begins to play as it loads onto the screen.  “How about we lower this a bit because if not, this will drive Mommy absolutely crazy.”  After handing my three year old my iPhone, which he knows how to work better than I do, I watch him teeter off towards the living room where he sits along the floor and is entertained by that dumb game.

I glance at my watch once more and stand up, deciding that it is getting close to lunch time so I should probably get working on Damian’s lunch and maybe make myself a quick bite to eat.  Opening the fridge, I begin pulling out items when the house phone begins to chime, playing  soft musical piece throughout the kitchen.  Aimlessly reaching for it, I put it to my ear as I busy my hands along the counter.

“Marlena, Hi!”  His voice immediately stops my hands from whatever they were doing as I freeze and glance at the caller ID.  “You certainly are a hard person to get in touch with these days.”

I stutter because I don’t know what to say.  I had every intention to call him later but he beat me to it.  I don’t like being caught off guard.  “Samuel, hi.  How are you?”

“I’m good, I just wanted to check in and see how you are.  I haven’t been able to track you down lately, you okay?”

“I know, I’m sorry.  I had plans to call you today, truly.  It’s been a really hectic few weeks with work and Damian.  I’m sorry…I don’t want you to think I am hiding from you.”  In reality, I really am.  There is no way I can face this man with an open mind now that I have allowed John back into my arms and into my bed.  Shaking my head, I begin moving my hands again as I hear him talking about work, something I really could care less about.  I need to stop thinking about John, we are over.

“So, do you have plans tonight? I was thinking about maybe stopping by?”

“Um,” I stop to look over at the doorway and find Damian walking into the kitchen.  “Hold on, Sam.”  Placing the phone to my chest, I crouch down and meet Damian, who has walked over to me.  “What is it baby?”

“Daddy.”

Making a face, I scrunch my nose as I smile slightly.  “Daddy?  What about Daddy?”

“Pone….Daddy.”  My heart stops for a second as I reach for the phone in Damian’s hand.  Seeing that a call is in progress, a private number is only registering.

My heart immediately thumps when I hear his voice on the other end, a voice I have been craving to hear since he left me that morning.  “John…”

“Hey you…how are you?”

“John, where have you been? Is everything okay?”  Questions begin to roll off my tongue as Damian stands there, waiting for me to return the phone so he can play that dumb game again.  “John, hold on,”  I tell Damian to go turn off the TV in the living room and hurry back so he can have lunch.  Expecting a tantrum, I’m quite shocked he takes off running from the room.  Forgetting about the other caller on my other phone, I quickly put it to my ear as I apologize and explain that I have to run.  With a promise to call him back shortly, I also let him know that I will get back to him with an answer about later.  Once I have hung up that line, my attention is completely on John.  “John, I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay.  You sound busy…bad time?”

“No, not at all.  How are you?  Everything okay?”

“As good as can be expected for now.  How is my boy?  I was shocked he answered at first.”  I laugh a bit as I begin putting some food on a kiddie plate for Damian.

“Oh he was playing with my phone. That stupid game with the birds.”  I hear John sigh as he lets out a small laugh.

“That game really is brutal.  I might be the reason for that madness.”

“Yes, I believe you are because he certainly did not learn about that game from me.”  The playful banter makes me miss him even more.  “So really John, how are you?  What is going on over there?  Where are you exactly?”

I hear him breathe heavily into the phone as he fumbles with papers in the background.  “I’m in between cities right now.  Today Rome, tomorrow Milan, and then Paris by Friday.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, pretty exciting stuff.”  He seems distant, almost as if he is preoccupied with something else.

“So are you going to tell me what this is about?”

“Nope.”  Its simple and to the point.

“John?”

“Marlena please…I don’t want to argue.  I just wanted to call to say hello and chat with my son a little.”

“I don’t want to argue John…I just want to know what is going on is all.”

“Trust me, nothing that you should be involved in.”  He sighs again and I can almost envision him running his hand through his hair in frustration.

“When are you coming home?”

“Salem?”

“Yeah, where else is home?”  I hear him laugh a bit as he mumbles something to someone and then gets back on the line with me.

“I honestly don’t know when I will be home.  But I will do my best to keep in touch as much as I can.”  My spirits just sank from hearing that comment.

“Your son misses you….he asks for you everyday.”

“I miss him too.  Give him a kiss for me and I will do what I can to speed up this trip.”

“John, you’re making me worried.”

“Don’t be.”  We both stay quiet….an awkward silence that should almost never take place over a phone call, actually does and I don’t know what to do about it.  I don’t want to hang up but I don’t want to be the first to speak up either.  “So who was on the phone?”

My face squints as I pour some dressing over my salad.  “I told you, Damian.”

“Not this phone, the other phone.  You were talking to someone and told them you would call them back.”  My heart begins to thump loudly as my eyes glance up from my plate, trying to think of a good answer that won’t start an argument.

“Oh, that was just a friend.”

“A friend, huh?”  I sense a hint of jealousy in his words.

“Yes, a friend.”

“Samuel, maybe?”  His voice is filled with sarcasm to which I don’t really appreciate.

“Yes Samuel.”

“Ah, still seeing him I see.”  He huffs into the phone as I hear things in the background being pushed around angrily across a desk.

“Was I supposed to stop seeing him?”

“Yes.”  His growl was too possessive.  He clears his throat and takes a deep breath.  “You know what, I have no right.  I’m sorry.  Your life is your life, you do what you must do.”  I don’t know how to respond, I simply stay quiet.  After a few moments, the silence is too awkward.

“Okay.”

“Well, I need to run so would you do me a favor and grab Damian for me. I want to say goodbye to him.”  I forgot all about Damian for a moment and wonder what he could be doing that he hasn’t returned.

“John?”

“Yeah…”

“Are we going to talk about it?”  I ask cautiously, not sure if I even want to discuss it.

“Talk about what?”

“About the night before you left?”  I pause for a second.  “The night you spent with me.”

“What about it?”  My soul is instantly crushed.  That is not exactly the reaction I was prepared for.

“Nothing.”

“No, talk to me.  What about that night?”

“Here is your son.”  Handing the phone down to Damian, who has now walked into the room with a new toy, I explain who is on the phone still.  “Daddy wants to say bye to you.”  Placing a finger to my lips, I try to stop the cracked voice that wants to escape from me.  My heart hurts, my soul feels battered and I feel completely used.

“I miss Daddy.  When you come home?”  I hear Damian talking as he smiles while I sit at the counter, tears slowly falling from my eyes.  Maybe this is why its best that we aren’t with each other. Damian walks back to me as he hands me the phone.  “Daddy talk to you.”

Unable to speak to him, I pull the phone to my ear and listen to him call my name.  “John, I have to go.”  I try to control the obvious cracking in my voice.  He tries to stop me, telling me to hold on but I can’t.  “Take care, bye.”  Quickly hanging up, I reach for Damian to sit him down for his lunch.  His small hands go to my face as he looks at me closely.

“Mommy crying?”

“No Mommy is just fine my love.  Mommy has something in her eye that is bugging her.  I’ll be okay.”  Placing a kiss on his forehead, I sit him down and begin to offer him his meal.  After a few bites, I reach for my phone again and search for a name. Sending a quick text, I hurriedly type my message before hitting send.

Three words:  See You Tonight.

Recipient: Samuel

V.

The unsteady beating of my heart keeps my attention as I sit and wait in the lobby of my doctor’s office.  Glancing around the room, I take in the sights of ridiculous posters and useless brochures that sit along the rack mounted to the wall.  Reaching for my purse, I pull out my phone and glance for messages that clearly are not there. I must have uncrossed and crossed my legs over and over again within the last few minutes.   My mind is bubbling with a million different thoughts about today’s visit.  It doesn’t help that I haven’t heard from John in over a month or that I still have not a clue what could possibly be happening with him.  I glance at my watch and wonder what this appointment could be about.

I had a routine checkup a week ago, which I was told went completely well.  It was only late yesterday evening when I received a phone call from my doctor, asking if I could come in today to do another exam and go over some information with him.  Naturally,  this pushed me over the edge and paranoia began to set in. I’m not completely sure what can possibly happen in my life that hasn’t happened yet but I’m sure my doctor will inform me today.

I look up quickly when the nurse calls my name and asks me to join her in the exam room.  After explaining what I need to do, she helps by taking my suit jacket and placing it on the chair alongside the exam table and jots down some quick notes in her file.

“Just go ahead and undress and Dr. Andrews will be in shortly.”  A small smile is the only thing we share as she leaves the room while I begin to undress myself before climbing along the table and placing a thin sheet over stomach and hips.  My legs begin to quiver from nervousness as my breathing also accelerates, leaving me almost panting for air at times.  What could possibly be going on with me that they needed me to come in today?  I begin to wonder the worst as my mind flashes back to previous weeks.  I recall slight cramps and small sharp shooting pains but nothing that usually last longer than a second.  To be honest, I’ve been procrastinating about coming to see the doctor.  I was hoping that the cramping would go away on it’s own.

I hear a soft knock on the door before my doctor walks in and smiles happily.  I don’t understand how he could like this type of job but that’s not for me to pass judgement on.  “Marlena, how are you?”

“Just dandy.  How about yourself?”

“Wonderful actually…family is great, job is going well.”  We both lightly chuckle, both knowing we could care less about the day in and day out of each others lives.  “Thank you for coming in today.  I wanted to do a quick exam and explain to you about some issues we saw in your results.”

Sitting up lightly, I adjust the sheet as I prop myself up on my elbows.  “Issues?  What issues? Is this serious?”

“Lay back down.”  He motions for me to gently lay against the table as he asks for me to put my legs onto the stirrups.  “It’s nothing for you to be majorly concerned about but we do need to discuss something I noticed in your last exam.”  Of course, my heart is pounding throughout my chest as he lowers himself onto the stool in front of the table and begins prepping instruments from the sounds I can make out.  “Okay, you ready?”

I sigh and nod as I feel him insert the tool that begins to tighten and squeeze my insides.  Closing my eyes, I hear him lightly humming while my fingers pinch and twirl around the fabric of the sheet along my sides.  I yelp when he digs too deep and my hips slightly raise off the table only for him to reach out and touch my leg, letting me know to relax and calm down.

“How long have you been feeling this pain Marlena?”

“The cramping?”  I breathe out as I blink rapidly and feel a rush of abdominal cramps taking place.

“Yes.”

“A little more than a month and half now.”

“Have they been persistent or are they seldom?” I try to think back but the cramping now has my attention.  I breathe and bite my lower lip a little.

“At times they can be persistent but for the most part, it isn’t occurring constantly.”

“I see.  Is it happening during sexual intercourse?”  My mind immediately flashes back to John on top of me.  His hands running down my arms and then across my chest as he softly kisses my lips while thrusting deeply into my body.

I notice that I am taking too long to answer him.  After a long pause, I close my eyes and wonder for a moment, trying to recall when and if it did happen during that time.  I’m also wondering if I should even mention that I was being sexually active.

“Uh, not that I can recall.”

“Is it happening after intercourse?”  Again, my mind flashes to John as he continued assaulting my body with aggressive thrusts after that phone call I received from Samuel during the night.  I don’t remember feeling unusual pain after the fact.  Other than the usual dull ache and soreness that took place….I can’t say anything else occurred that was a cause for concern.

“I haven’t been actively engaging in any sexual intercourse lately Dr. Andrews so I can’t be 100% sure if sex in fact may be the issue.”

“I see.  Well was this pain taking place before intercourse occurred?”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Okay, so it looks like this pretty much is a result from the intercourse.”  He begins to do a few clicks on a the instrument and I breathe harsher, as I close my eyes and try to adapt to the cramping taking place.  “Have you been bleeding more than usual?”

“My periods have been lighter.”  I did bleed immediately after our rendezvous.  I woke up to some trickles of blood only for it to disappear later during the day.  I shrugged it off as nothing other than the effects from really rough sex.

“Define lighter.”

“Not so heavy, shorten days, etc.”

“Any unusual discharges occurring?”

“No, not at all.”

“When is the last time you engaged in sexual activity Marlena?”  John seems to be haunting every thought of mine.  I can almost feel his lips on my skin, his fingers along my scalp or on my body, his impressive organ being buried within my center.  I can hear his heavy whispers along the rim of my ear, the passionate grunts he makes with every thrust he gives that drives him deep within my body.

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling.  I need to concentrate on what my doctor is asking and stop thinking about John. I start counting the days, weeks in my head silently.  My doctor waits on the other end of my sheet, patiently….as he fidgets with a large tool.

“Two months ago.”  Gosh, it has been that long.  I don’t know if I am craving him as much, but I am without a doubt, extremely worried about him.  Maybe that is why I am cramping?  Stress.

“Okay.”

The room goes quiet, other than from the sounds of his hands working below the sheet.  “Is something wrong?”

“Well, going based on your results….you cleared mostly everything.  You tested negative for any STDs.  Pregnancy you also tested negative for.”  I want to laugh but I fight the urge and simply smirk.

“I wasn’t concerned about either of those.”  He moves from the end of the table and looks around the sheet, staring at me oddly from those words that left my mouth.

“Were contraceptives used during intercourse?”  I stay quiet and shake my head slowly.  I feel clueless because he does make a good point.  He smiles and pats my knee.  “Well then we can’t be too sure about dismissing any of those issues then.”

I decide to change the subject and get back to what is really the reason that I am laying on this table, with my legs spread open for all of the world to see…well just him really but if feels like the whole world.

“What is it that is causing some concern?”  I hear him click his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he begins to remove the device from my center.

“Okay here is the deal.  Your chart looks great, everything appears to be in order.  Except, I am noticing an issue with your IUD.  It’s noted here in your file that you had this inserted almost 3 years ago, correct?”  When I nod, he continues reading off his chart.  “It was also noted that you intended to run with the procedure of tubal ligation, however, you dismissed that idea which is why you still have the IUD.”  I instantly recall the argument with John about that.  I remember breaking the news to John as if it were as casual as a teeth cleaning procedure.  We were in a our hotel suite in Paris, for a gala for Basic Black.  I remember how angry he was at my decision and that I had not discussed this procedure that would put an end to our procreation.

What John never found out was that it was because of him, that I canceled my procedure for tubal ligation.  It was the pain I saw in his eyes after he found out my plans, that was the reasoning for the call I placed to my doctor.  I had no intention to ever become pregnant again and I would go to the ends of the earth to make sure another baby would not be created within my womb, but I couldn’t hurt John anymore than I already did.  I couldn’t continue with the operation knowing that John was hurt by my selfishness.  I never sat down and spoke about my feelings on another pregnancy…I simply chose to do what I wanted without discussing it then with my husband.

My mind is jumping all over  the place that I literally forgot where I was at this moment.  I flinch when my doctor touches me softly on my leg.  He gently helps my legs down from the stirrups and covers my lower body with the sheet entirely.  Sliding his stool over to my side, he props himself next to me and continues reading my file.  “The IUD is not due to be changed until another 2 years but I’m noticing some issues there.”

“What’s wrong?”  I don’t know if my face shows how concerned I am but I can tell you, I’m almost panicked by his tone.

“Well from what I can see in the exam, the IUD is causing some inflammation in your cervix.  Now I can’t be positive if this is because your body is trying to reject it suddenly or if this is the cause from the intercourse you may have had.  Was the intercourse rough? It could be that the IUD was shifted which is what is causing you discomfort.”

I don’t believe I am blushing but my face begins to feel hot.  John’s face keeps flashing in my head.  Images of him play in my mind like a slideshow. The beads of sweat forming along his forehead, the way he bit his lip when he would hit a spot that made him quiver, the way his eyes glazed right before he was about to release himself. “I wouldn’t say it was extremely out of control but it wasn’t exactly gentle.”

“I see.  Either way, your cervix should not be swollen and red if this took place 2 months ago.  My suggestion would be  to remove the IUD completely.”

“Okay, then what?”

“Well I want to see if the IUD is the cause for the irritation.  It could be that your body is suddenly rejecting it and or that you need another quality.  So I would like to remove the device for a few months, and see you back in the office 4 months from now to monitor the progress.  If it all looks well, we’ll go ahead and insert a new contraceptive into your cervix.”

“Okay…and If the cramping does not stop or there still appears to be an issue in my cervix, then….”

“Then we take the next route and begin doing more tests to find out what the issue could be.  As of right now, there is no immediate concern for this other than what we believe is a simple irritation from the contraceptive.”

Sighing, I lay my head back down and close my eyes.  “Alrighty, go on ahead and do what you must do.”

“Not a problem.  I am going to go grab a few instruments and will be right back.  I should mention that once we remove this device, chances of pregnancy will be extremely likely so should sexual intercourse take place, other forms of contraceptives are highly recommended unless you plan to expand your family.”

I laugh at the ridiculousness because I don’t know if breaking down and crying is appropriate at this time.  “Have you looked carefully at my chart Dr. Andrews?  Do you realize how old I am?”

He laughs as he places my file down on the counter.  “Do you know how many women, who are older than you mind you, that I tend to during their pregnancy because they had the same logic you are having right now?  You may be older but your body definitely is and will be singing a different tune if you don’t take the extra precaution, trust me.”

“Oh I guess.”  I lightly roll my eyes and smile as he begins to walk to the door.

“How old is your son again Marlena?”  I turn my head towards him as we both laugh and he shakes his head.  “So like I said….your body is on a different agenda.  It’s possible. You better be careful or the next time your on my table, we’ll be measuring a fetus.”

“Very unlikely but thank you for the warning.”  My fingers begin to play with the sheet that is covering my body as I try and relax against the cool table.

He turns away but quickly turns around.  “Oh before I forget, would you like for us to administer a temporary contraceptive shot once the IUD is removed or are you just going to go cold turkey?”

“Nope, I’m good.  Do what you must do Dr. Andrews.  I’m out of the sex game for now so my concerns about pregnancy are pretty much non existent.  Abstinence is the only birth control I need.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The soft music throughout the restaurant plays beautifully through the room as many guests happily chat amongst each other, lovingly clinking glasses and toasting warm wishes to one another.  The sounds of silverware tapping against porcelain dinnerware overrides my senses as I take careful sips from my wine glass.

This dinner date was completely unplanned and quite the surprise.  I had just dropped off Damian at Sami’s house because I had intended to catch up on some work when I received a phone call.  Dinner? Dancing? Wine? I wanted to say no but the offer was tempting.  With a quick yes, I went home, showered, dressed and met my date at the front door dressed in a simple fitted sleeveless black cocktail dress.  Hair fluffed and layered, makeup flawless and light.

My date who is sitting happily across from me, concentrates on his dinner as he rapidly cuts into his tender steak and takes anxious bites from his fork.  Glancing at my dinner, I poke my fork around the pasta that sits along my dish, barely touched.

“Are you not hungry?”  He looks up at me concerned, but still eating his meal.  I can’t really concentrate on food right now.  Between my thoughts about yesterday’s doctor appointment and John…I’m surprised that I am even out for a night on the town.

“I’m actually not that hungry. The food is fabulous but for some reason, I don’t have much of an appetite right now.”  I instantly get a sharp pain in my abdomen as I squint my eyes and place a hand immediately where the pain seems to be coming from.  Within a few seconds it passes and I breathe gently, slowly lifting my eyes at Sam….who now sits there concerned.

He makes a face and slightly frowns.  “You’re not getting sick are you?  Would you like me to take you home?”  I wish I was getting sick, it would be so much easier to explain than what I am actually going through.

I wave my hand at him to stop his offerings.  “Don’t be silly, I am not sick…just a slight cramp.  Nothing to worry about…and I am not that hungry.  Eat up.”  We both smile but he still seems unsure.  Only after he realizes I am truly okay, does he continue to eat while I sit and enjoy the smooth jazzy music playing in the background.  I could learn to love this restaurant.  This is not my usual night out joint but I can see myself learning to love this location.  It was Samuel who introduced this place to me and it is only with him that I am ever at this location.

“So how is Damian doing?”  He knows that I absolutely love talking about my little boy.  I am happy about the distraction. Whatever keeps John and this cramping off my thoughts is a good thing.

“He is doing so well.  I met with a counselor at Ivy Gardens Elementary down the street from the house yesterday…he is going to be joining preschool this year.”  I slightly pout and stick out my lower lip.  “My baby is growing up on me.”

“Aww….don’t be sad Mommy.  Damian is going to love it and it will give you more time to be at work and with your patients.”

I nod sadly.  “I guess so.”

“And what about John…how is he?”  I look up so quickly that I think I puzzle him.  I was trying my best to block out all thoughts about John but thanks to Samuel…he has opened the flood gates and welcomed John right back in.  I shrug my shoulders and reach for my wine glass, putting it to my lips.

“I don’t know…I haven’t spoken with him.”

“At all?”  Sam puts down his fork and reaches for his napkin, wiping his mouth and placing the napkin on the table.

“A month ago maybe.”  If I could open up to Samuel and tell him the truth…I would tell him that I am literally dying inside from the stress John has put me in.  I am so worried about what is going on with John and why he has been gone for so long.  I’m also nervous about what could be happening with him and why it is so important that his business venture remain secretive to keep us all safe.

“So he hasn’t been involved in the planning for Damian’s school?”  I shake my head slowly.  “What kind of father is that?”  I cut him off before he goes too far.  It’s one thing to ask questions but to start attacking the father of my son….someone you hardly know and most likely can never measure up to…is another thing entirely.

“John is a wonderful father…in fact…a great one.  There are things going on that you don’t know about…things I can’t share with you.  It is because of that, that John cannot be present right now or involved with Damian.  If it wasn’t for his personal matters, he would be front and center for our son, for all of our children.”  Samuel simply nods his head and lifts his eyebrows.

“‘I’ll take your word for it.”  I don’t know why I suddenly got upset over a simple comment Samuel made.  I choose to believe I am testy because I am on edge.  I don’t like the not knowing. I don’t like being left in the dark, even if I have nothing to do with the matter. I don’t like the fact that John and I left off on a bad note.  I don’t like that I haven’t been able to reach him or that he hasn’t called me back.

We both sit in silence as we reach for our glasses and take full gulps of the cool alcohol sliding down our throats.  After a moment or two, he looks over to me and smiles.  “So what time do you need to get Damian tonight?”

I glance at my watch and place down my wine glass.  “Well I wanted to get him sometime before 11pm tonight, why?”

“I was thinking maybe we could go back to your place, relax, watch a movie….you know…relax.”  He smirks so seductively that I fidget in my chair from being uncomfortable.  How could he think that I would want to go back to my house and actually have sex with him.  After he vindictively tried to attack John for not being around when he knows nothing about the situation.

“Tempting Sam but I really need to get Damian.  I don’t want to burden Sami, after all….she has work tomorrow.”

He holds both hands up in defense.  “Alright, alright…it was just a suggestion.”  I smile politely and lift my fork to gather some noodles, deciding to take a few more bites before calling it a night.   “So I have a question for you.”  I look up at him curiously as I place the fork in my mouth, chewing the tasty noodles.  “When will you and I have a chance to be alone and do what normal people in relationships do?”  I immediately start coughing as I try and cover my mouth with the napkin while reaching for my glass of wine.  Taking a long sip, I wait until the urge to cough is gone and the mist in my eyes start to clear.

“Excuse me?”

“I didn’t mean to be blunt but I’m curious?”

“Samuel,”  I laugh because I don’t know what to say.  “We’re not involved in a relationship.  We’re simply dating, nothing more.”

He sighs as he leans back in his chair, his hands resting on the arms of his chair as he looks around slowly before looking back at me.  “Well apparently I am on a different page than you.”

“I’m sorry.”  I truly am sorry that he thought this companionship was more than what it  was, but I’m not here to please his wishes.

“I guess that explains why you shutter away from me whenever anything we do gets a bit more intimate.”  I remember that night I text him after my argument with John on the phone.  Samuel tried desperately to go to bed with me that night.  I don’t like to kiss him anymore because he always tries to take it a step too far.

“I’m just not ready for that Sam.  It has nothing to do with you.”  Part of that reasoning is true.  The other part he doesn’t need to know.  He doesn’t need to know that now that I’ve shared my bed and my body with John…I can’t turn into another man’s arms.  That’s usually the effect John has on me…which is why I always try to stay away from him.  He ruins me for others.

“So what happens now….do we still continue to date?”  I would like to say No but that would be so rude on so many different levels.  Truth be told, I just don’t have room in my life right now to balance a relationship with him, my son, and worry about John and his whereabouts.

I twirl my noodles around my fork, slowly watching them spin around the metal prongs, never lifting my eyes to look at Sam.  “I don’t know, you tell me?”  I finally look up at him apologetically.  “This is about your feelings, not mine.”

We both stay quiet.  The other conversations taking place in the room seem to be more interesting than what is happening at our table.  I decide to take the plunge and speak what I am truly feeling…what I am hoping he will agree to.

“If you don’t want to do this anymore, it’s okay.  You can leave and I won’t be angry about it.  I completely understand.”

He quickly leans forward and reaches for my hand.  “No, I don’t want to leave.  I love being with you.  I love spending time with you.  I just want to do more with you if you would allow that. And I am not talking about just sex, I’m talking about a connection…on an emotional standpoint.  I want to be the one you would love to call just to tell me about your day.  Or if you are bored and simply want me next to you just because. Nothing more than that….that is all I am asking.”

I truly feel sorry because I would like nothing more than to offer him that.  I would love to be able to call him up and have him come over and simply hold me, and share my tidbits about the day as any normal couple would.  But let’s face the fact….I’m not ready to do that.  I have priorities and my youngest son is one of my main focus’.  I don’t have time to lounge around in another man’s arms when my 3 year old needs me more in his life than any other man possibly could.  I’m a mother first…and always.

“I would love that Sam…I really would.  I just have so many things going on in my life right now that it’s hard to actually sit down and…” He cuts me off by squeezing my hand tighter.

“Just trust in me and please let me be there for you and for Damian.”  That comment upsets me.

“I don’t need anyone there for Damian….Damian has his father.”  I keep my voice even but I’m sure my eyes have an icy glare as these words leave my mouth.

“A father that isn’t here….and hasn’t been for months.”  I quickly snatch my hand back from his hold and sit back in my chair.  I want to get up and walk away but I know that I can’t.  That is just a bit too dramatic.

“I’ve already explained the reasons for it.  I’m not going to go into this again but John is and always will be an excellent father.”

He huffs as he reaches for his glass and takes a huge gulp of his red wine.  I watch him angrily because I don’t think he has any right to judge John nor does he have room to talk since he knows nothing about our lives.

“I’m sorry….I was just trying to make a simple comment that came out harsher than how I intended.”  I know his apology isn’t sincere…I can tell by his facial expressions.

“I would appreciate it if you left John out of our conversations.  You know nothing about him as a father or husband so I please ask that you not pass judgements on situations you know nothing about.”

“Got it.”  He takes another sip before signaling the waiter.  Quickly asking him for another glass, he asks if I need a refill before sending the waiter on his way.  “Well this has been a fun night.”

I simply shrug and reach for my phone as I glance at any messages before placing the phone back down.  “Look, I don’t want to get into a spat over this.  Can we just finish this up and forget this conversation ever happened?”

“Yep, sure.”  I can still see that he is angry but it’s not my problem to make him feel better.  When the waiter returns with two new glasses of wine, I take mine and begin to sip it when a few people walk past our table.  I suddenly feel like someone has stopped near the table and I turn and glance up at a tall figure.

“Oh my Gosh…”

“Marlena”  His voice is deep…with traces of confusion and disapproval.

“John…Hi.”

VI.

Do you know that feeling when your heart begins to beat profusely that it almost is deafening?  The loud thumping that continues to pound against the walls of your chest, as the breaths you were taking…which were so easy to inhale….suddenly becomes stifling? It almost feels like a dream…actually more so…one of those nightmares where you try to scream yet nothing comes out of your mouth.  You know, those dreams where you are being chased yet when you look around, you are actually running insanely slow.  That is exactly how I feel at this moment.  No words are able to form before they even leave my lips. My mouth loosely moves as I try to speak but I can’t, for my tongue is literally tied.

My eyes blink heavily as I stare up at this tall figure…dressed in a complete dark suit, with a dark button up and a hypnotizing tie….I am drawn to him by just a simple glance.  He is watching me, looking down at me….disapproval written all over his face.  His jawline is tight, his chest….protruding and most likely full of built up anger.  Those normal blue eyes are suddenly as dark as his suit, his eyes…merely a slit.

“John…”  My voice clearly shows my level of discomfort.  I don’t like being caught off guard.

“Marlena…shocking to see you here?”  One of his hands are balled into a tight fist as the other dangles at his side.

I find myself stuttering his name.  I clear my throat and take a deep breath as I look down for a moment only to glance back up.  “John, I’m surprised to see you.”

“Are you?”  He’s quick to snipe back.

“Yes….”  I wonder if both Sam and John can see how heavily I am breathing.  “What are you doing here?”

“Business meeting. ”  He slowly looks over at Sam, giving him a slight smirk and turns back towards me.  “Have a good night.  Enjoy your dinner.”  Before I could even speak up and ask him another question, he walks off and towards the lobby of the restaurant.  I feel trapped as I try maneuver in my seat.

I fumble with my napkin in my lap as I toss it on the table and quickly stand up.  “You’ll have to excuse me Sam.”  Before I could even wait for him to say anything, I am quick on my feet and hurriedly make my way around a slight crowd that is gathering for a table in the restaurant.  After side stepping others and carefully moving around individuals who tend to casually block me, I manage to see John in the lobby as he is patting some man on the back and shaking his hand.  His smile is genuine but I can see that his frame is still stiff and uncomfortable.

“John…”  I call it slightly as I continue to break through a heavy crowd in the lobby.  He turns slightly and looks at me only to turn his head back to his guest and begin to walk to the revolving door.  Within seconds he is gone as I continue to chase him, quickly pushing through the revolving door and immediately rushing to him in the dark chilled evening.  “John?”

He keeps his back turned as he says goodbye to his guest who is climbing into the driver seat of his car.  Once the door is closed, I call out John’s name again as he hands the valet his ticket.

“John.”  I walk up to him and grab his arm as he twitches and gently moves my hand off of him.

“What is it?”  His tone is quick and cold.

“Why are you ignoring me?  I was calling you and you are going completely out of your way to snub me off.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be right now?  Is there not someone in there waiting for you?”  He points casually to the restaurant and turns his back to me again.

“John…what is the matter with you?”  I reach for him again but he flinches and side steps my touch.

“Marlena, go back inside right now.  It is cold out here…you’re going to freeze.”

“No, I’m trying to talk to you.”  I try not to shout and be as discreet as possible but my voice does reach a higher pitch than I usually would do in public.

“Get inside right now.”  He angrily growls at me as he finally steps up to me and looks down at me.

“No.”

“Fine, then freeze.”  He begins to walk away but I am quick to follow him.  We venture off from the audience we created at the front of the restaurant and stand near some bushes, along side of the main entrance.

“John, when did you get back?”  He stands still and continues to stare around the parking lot as he breathes slowly….ignoring my question.  “John.”  I say his name firmly but he still doesn’t answer me.  I hate when he gets this way.  He becomes stubborn and refuses to answer you like a civilized human being.  “John.”  I reach for him to get his attention but this time, he turns around and yanks my hand roughly, holding it tightly between us.

“Don’t touch me.”  His tone is so firm and heated that it takes everything in me, not to break into tears.

“Why won’t you answer me?”  I sound pitiful.  I sound like a small child begging for their parent’s attention.

“Go inside and leave me alone.”

“No, I won’t go inside….not until you answer me.”  I yank my hand out of his hold and stand my ground, standing tall and with my chin up in the air.  “When did you get back.”

“Today.”  He turns away and keeps his back facing me.

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“Marlena, my life doesn’t revolve around you anymore.”  I am quick to cut him off.

“No but it does for our son.  Remember him?”  He turns around so quickly to face me again that I step back a bit.

“Don’t start that.”

“Start what?”

“The blame game.”

“I wasn’t going to start any game with you.  I just wanted to let you know that we have a responsibility together, like it or not.  And that involves our children…our son. So maybe you could have called to let me know you were in town…for the sake of our son.”

“Jesus Marlena…I literally just landed and went straight to dinner for a business meeting.  Can I have a moment to adjust?  I was not planning to dodge my son.”

We both stand silent for a moment, neither of us attempting to mutter another word.  I shutter from the chill and rub my arms to keep warm as John looks away and then back at me.

“Go inside.  I’m sure your date is wondering where you are.”

“No, I want to talk to you.”  I begin to shiver a bit more but I refuse to leave.  “Why are you so upset?”

“I’m not upset.”  He shakes his head and smiles, glancing at the ground.

“Well you are ignoring me and refuse to even speak to me.”

He shrugs his shoulders a bit and places his hands in his pocket.  “I have nothing to say to you, personally.”

I stand still, defeated.  I hold myself tighter as I bite my lower lip to keep from crying.  I feel the heavy build up of tears behind my eyes as I blink rapidly to stop them from falling.  “Really.”

“Yep….really.”  We both glance at the car that pulls up towards us as the valet attendant jumps out and stands at the door…waiting for John to enter.  “Have a good night.”  He doesn’t even look at me as he walks away and hands the valet guy a tip.  When the young man runs off, I quickly walk up to John and hold the door open as he is getting in the car.

“Don’t do this.”  My voice is cracking.  He knows I’m hurt and upset.

“Don’t do what?” He shouts so loudly that I wonder if the other guests can hear, even though we are a good distance away.

“Don’t you leave like this.  What have I done to you that you are treating me this way?”  My tears are now flowing and I don’t bother to conceal the pain I feel from his careless words.

“Let go of the door….right now.”  He says those words so quietly and slowly that I wonder if I heard him correctly.

“No.”

He rapidly jumps out the car as I stand back and watch him walk up to me.  “What do you want from me Marlena?”

“I want to know what I have done that you want to treat me this way?”

“I’m sick of this….I need to go.”  He begins to walk away but I reach for him to stop him.  He turns around to push my hands off him and I watch as he yanks off his suit jacket and throws it into the back seat of his car.  I don’t know when or where I got the energy but I run to the other side of his car and pull open his passenger door, throwing myself into the seat.

He looks over at me unbelievably and angrily as he hits his steering wheel.  “What do you think you are doing?”

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me and tell me the truth, damnit.”  I shout at him and begin to cry.

“I swear to you Marlena…get out of the car or I will push you out.”

“Then do it….push me out this fucking car.”  I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t know if I am upset or sad anymore.

“Where is your fucking date at?  I’m going to go get him and have him deal with you.”  John attempts to get out the car but I yank him back in.  By now, we have created quite the scene as bystanders wait for their car and quietly glance our way to see the commotion.  “You’re making a scene.”

“Then talk to me.”

John quickly slams his door shut and throws his gear shift into drive as he pulls away rapidly, swerving out of the parking lot and onto an abandoned side street with no spectators, and no other cars. Putting the car in park, he rubs his face frustratingly and takes a deep breath.  “I can’t do this Marlena….I cannot do this with you.”

My tears are endless and my voice is broken….raw with emotion.  “John, I’m trying to figure out what I have done to you that you absolutely are so rude and hurtful to me?”

“Can’t you just let things be?”  He turns to look at me awkwardly and then turns back to his steering wheel.  I pull my hands to my mouth and try to hold in the cry as I blink away tears.

“I don’t know why I am sitting here crying for you.  I don’t know why I am so affected by your anger but I am.  John…do you know how crazy I have been going for the past few months?”  I sit back and look at him, watching him play with his hands.  “Do you have any idea how worried I was for you?  You have no clue how insane I have been.  You didn’t return any of my phone calls, messages, texts….of course I was thinking the worst.”

He doesn’t say anything…he only stares ahead and out the window.

“I’m sorry that you think I am harassing you but I was worried sick.  You simply picked up and left off without a word and I am supposed  to be okay with that?”

He slams his hand against the steering wheel.  “Damnit Marlena…we aren’t married anymore.  You don’t need to worry about my whereabouts anymore.  So stop acting out this game because I am over it.”

“I am the mother of your children.  Regardless of what happens between us…my children are what keep us connected.  Naturally I would be worried about you. Damian has been constantly asking for his father and I can’t comfort him anymore than you can over a phone call from across the ocean.”

We both stay quiet, both listening to the heavy breathing between each other…both of us listening to the sniffles that escape me every few seconds.

“Where is my boy at?”  His voice is calmer….more relaxed.

“He’s with Sami.”  He nods and makes a face.

“Dumping him off with others I see…so you can go out for a night on the town with men, hmm?”

I shake my head and sigh.  “It’s not like that John.  This dinner was a last minute decision.  I was working late and I had Sami take care of him so I can catch up on some much needed work.  I am not dumping my child off with anyone because I want to be alone.  You know me better than that.”

“Do I?”  His dark eyes stare at me blankly as his fingers drum against the bottom of the steering wheel.

I sigh heavily and turn my face away, shaking my head in disbelief.  “Okay. Fine…we’ll play that game.”

“I’m not playing any games…I am simply asking you a question.”  I snap back quickly as I drop my hands angrily into my lap.

“Yes, you know me.  You know I would never do something like that.”

“Okay.”  He turns away from me and looks around the area before turning back towards me.  “Are we done here so I can take you back to the restaurant?”

My tears have yet to stop as I look at him, my vision clouded by the salty moisture stinging my eyes.  “I can’t believe this.  Why are you doing this?”  I cry out as I slam my closed fist into his arm.  “Why?”  I continue to assault him as he reaches over and forcefully holds my wrists to stop the blows.

“Marlena, stop it. ”

“No.  Don’t you realize how worried I am about you?  Don’t you understand that I am literally falling to pieces wondering about what is happening with you?  And you sit here, with a straight face and treat me as if I am a nobody….as if I am overreacting.  You are dismissing me.”

“I’m supposed to stand here with open arms Marlena?  I find you at dinner with another man….a man to which you told me was not serious…the same man I told you to stop seeing….the man you left our son at home for….and you want me to stand here with open welcoming arms?  You want me to jump for joy because I happen to see you at the same restaurant I am at?”

I struggle to release my wrists from his strong hold.  “He is a friend….nothing more.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.  Friends don’t hold hands.  And don’t you dare lie to me because I saw him holding your hand when I was walking to your table.”

“Is that what you are angry about?  About a simple touch that meant absolutely nothing?”

He releases my wrists and shoves my arms towards me…grabbing the steering wheel and squeezing the leather profusely.

“We’re done Marlena.”  He takes a deep breath before shutting his eyes and shaking his head slowly.  “You should go back to him. He is most likely waiting for you.”

I don’t say a word….I only sit in the seat and watch him while sniffing back tears.

“My biggest mistake….” He turns to me and looks at me carefully.  “Was sleeping with you again.”

I believe my mouth drops open from shock as big heavy tears well up and cascade down my cheeks.   “You are an asshole.”  Reaching for the door handle, I yank it open as I quickly get out the car.

“Marlena, where are you going?”  I hear him shouting as I exit the car and into the cold wind.  Slamming his door, I begin to walk off in the direction of the restaurant.  “Marlena.”  I hear his heavy voice  behind me but I don’t bother turning around.  Tears continue to fall as I try my best to walk as quickly as I can in the slender heels that are covering my feet.

I suddenly feel his large hand on my wrist as he attempts to stop me but I am quick to turn around and shove him away. “Don’t touch me.  Leave me alone.”

“Wait, I’m sorry.  Get back in the car.”

“No.”  I continue to walk away when I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist, lifting me up off the ground.  “Put me down right now.”  I shout and try to swat at his arms, pinching his skin with hopes he will release me.  When he doesn’t, I attempt to kick his legs but fail.  When we get to the passenger door of his car, I fight him when he attempts to open the car door.  Pinning me against the car, with my face nearly on top of the hood of the vehicle…I can hear him telling me to stop fighting him.  “Let me go John.”

“Get in the car now.”

“No.”  When the door is open and he tries to put me in it, I turn around and hit him in his chest, managing to take a swipe at his face.  He pins my hands to the car and moves his body close to mine, blocking all blows that I was trying to give.  “Let me go.”  I’m sobbing so much that I doubt he can understand me.  “At first you want me out of your car….and now you want me in.”

“Just get in.”

“No…let me go.”  When he doesn’t, I continue to cry even more. “I hate you….I really hate you.”

We stay locked for a moment until he feels it’s safe to release my hands.  “I didn’t mean for that to come out the way it did.”

I look for his face and make sure that our eyes meet.  “Yes you did.”

He tries to reach up and grab my face but I turn away in disgust, trying to push him away from me.  He only moves closer and reaches up, pinning my face in his hands.  “I’m sorry you have been worried about me but that isn’t your place anymore.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Listen to me…We can’t do this anymore Marlena.  I can’t sit with you and play these games.  I refuse to do this again.”  He finally pulls away from me and backs up, leaving me against his car.  “I refuse to be the one fucking you while you are running around with someone else.”

“That is not even the case John.  I am not trying to sleep with you for Godsakes.  I am trying to talk to you and you are dismissing me.”  I lift away from the car and attempt to walk away but he follows and stands in front of me so I can’t walk past him.  “Move out of my way.”

“Why are you seeing him still?”

I can’t help but smile and shake my head.  “This is what it really is about, huh?  You are treating me like some two dollar whore because you are upset that I am still talking to someone.”

“I’m not upset.”

“You are a liar.  You’re upset because you found me at dinner with another man.  You act like you caught us in bed together.”  His face tightens and he turns away from me, walking to the car.  “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving and if you were smart, you would get in the car too.”  I watch him get in the car as he closes the door and revs up his engine.  I’m assuming he is threatening me.

Because I feel like I am strong and I don’t deserve any of this, I begin to walk away and continue making my way down the dark abandon street.  I hear his engine as it roars and his wheels screech.  I only stop walking when he swerves his car in front of me and jumps out the car, instantly grabbing me and ushering me to the car.

“Stop it.”  I try my best to push him away from me but he doesn’t budge.  I hate when he tries to manhandle me.

“Get in the car right now.  We’re leaving.”

“I can find my way back on my own.”  Managing to slap his hands away, I step back and maneuver around him.

“I’m not leaving you out here alone.  Get in the car.”  His hand grabs a hold of my upper arm as he yanks me back towards him.

“Why?  You don’t give a damn about me anymore so do not try and act concerned now.”  Fighting to remove his hand from me is like trying to pry open a bear trap.

“Of course I care about what happens to you, you are my children’s mother.  Now get in the car.”

“Leave me be.  Get away from me.  From now on….anything that needs to be taken care of with Damian will go through our lawyers….I want nothing to do with you.”  I truly mean that…I think it’s best we stay away from each other.

His face seems frozen as he releases my arm.

“Oh really.”

“Yes really….from now on…I could care less what happens to you. And to think I was concerned….”  I shake my head and try to back up to walk around the car but he grabs me and holds me to him yet again.  “Stop touching me.”

“You’re boyfriend is going to wonder where you are if you keep fighting me and don’t get back in the car.”

“I will explain to him when I get there…after I’ve walked to the restaurant.  Now get out of my way, please.”

“No.”  Without any more words, he literally picks me up and carries me to the passenger side.  Ignoring the blows I am giving at his face and chest…he manages to toss me into the passenger side and slamming the door shut.  I not only shock him but myself as well when I don’t shift or try to exit the car.

We drive back in silence, which is quite the short distance to the restaurant.  Before he could even put the car in park once we pull up to the venue…I adjust my dress along my lap and reach for the door handle.

“I would like to see Damian tomorrow.”

I stop mid action and close my eyes tiredly.  I don’t have the energy to fight anymore and I am not that childish to keep my son away from his father…especially after all this time they have been apart.

“Well you can get him tomorrow from the house.  Going forward after tomorrow…everything will be arranged through our lawyers.”  Without another word, I step out the car and slam the passenger door closed.

I don’t know if John drives off immediately and I could not care less at this point.  Without looking up, I keep my head down as I’m walking up to the front doors of the restaurant when I bump into Samuel, who was obviously looking for me and waiting for me to return.  I’m sure he can tell I’m in no mood to discuss anything and I’m almost positive he notices my tear stained cheeks.   With a sympathetic smile, he reaches for me and wraps my shawl around my shoulders, making sure I am wrapped appropriately.  Handing me my clutch and phone, I mumble thank you and keep my head down. Without another word, he wraps his arm around my waist protectively and begins to guide me through the crowd, over to the valet area.

It isn’t until I hear the roaring of an engine that I realized John must have still been sitting in front of the restaurant…watching me.  Even though the stronger part of my being begs for me to keep my eyes facing forward and my head held up high…the weaker part of me, makes me want to turn back and look that way.  It is only when Samuel tugs my arm and steals my attention…shortly after our car pulls up, that I realize…I was looking back and watching John drive away…the entire time.

VII.

Last night.  What can I say about last night that would make it easy for anyone to understand.  When it comes to John and I….there is nothing simple about us or our relationship.  Simple would be nice but then again Simple would be too basic for us.  After last night, I didn’t have the energy to answer a million and one questions that Samuel was searching for.  I barely could tolerate him next to me in the car.  I only apologized about leaving him in the restaurant and dropped every other topic, unable to handle anything other than silence.

I didn’t have the willpower to actually get in my car to go pick up Damian from Sami’s.  I truly wanted to because I would have liked my son at home in his own bed, and I did feel bad about leaving him elsewhere….but when I say that I was completely drained…I wasn’t lying.  So instead, I gave Sami a quick call and explained that it was late but I would swing by first thing in the morning to pick him up.

I found myself staring at the ceiling all night, replaying memories of both John and I battling it out in his car.  I couldn’t close my eyes for a second as our conversation played over and over throughout my head.  It’s one thing to suffer from insomnia but its completely another different story when you are constantly replaying memories you wish to forget.  I honestly could have gone to pick up Damian from the lack of sleep I did throughout the night but I didn’t want to disturb my sleeping baby either.

By 6:00am, I watched the sun begin to peek through clouds and it spread orange and peach rays across the sky.  My ears picked up the soft whistles of the birds that began to sing outside my window.  After hours of restlessness, I refused to lay in bed any longer and removed myself from the layers of sheet along my bed.  I threw myself into a steamy shower and leaned against the cold marble wall as the water continued to beat around my body.

Within a half hour, I was dressed, made up and ready to take on what the day had to offer.  I figured I could pick up Damian, take him to the office for a bit and catch up on some files that needed to be completed by today.  I also had to make two one hour meetings which I would have to find a sitter for.  And then I remembered….John wanted to see Damian today.  I glance at my phone after adjusting the belt on my suit jacket and walk over to it, checking for any messages.  None.

After clasping my watch onto my wrist, I look over my outfit in the large wall sized mirror in my closet before heading on out.  The loud musical chime of my doorbell sounds off throughout the house, causing me to pause and glance at my watch.

“Who could be here this early?”  With quick steps, I descend the stairway and quickly reach for the door handle, pulling it open.  I should be shocked…I can’t say I’m not but at the same time…I’m thrown off.

“Hi.”  John stands outside my door, dressed in jeans, a golf polo shirt, and in a black leather jacket.

“John, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here for Damian. Remember I wanted to see him today?”  I pause and glance at my watch.

“Yeah it’s 7:30 in the morning.   I thought you would be by this afternoon.”

“Why would I do that?  I wanted to spend the day with him.”  He looks at me oddly and watches me fidget in the doorway.  “What, is this a bad time?”

“No.”  I am quick to cut him off and turn back when I think I hear my phone ring. “No it’s not that.  It’s just that I need to run to work right now.”

“Well great…then I can grab Damian and get out of your way.”  He begins to step forward but I block him slightly and continue holding the door.

“He isn’t here.”  John’s face instantly tenses as he stands tall and looks down at me.

“What do you mean he isn’t here?  Where is he?”  His tone is filled with disapproval.

“He is at Sami’s…I am picking him up on the way to work.”

“Why is he there?  You didn’t grab him last night?”  I sigh quickly and glance at my watch yet again.

“I don’t have time for this…I am running late and I need to go.”

“Well make time, Damnit.”  He shouts that it throws us both off.

“Excuse me?”  I eye him angrily as I hold the door tighter.

“Why didn’t you grab him last night?  Other plans maybe?”  His assumptions just piss me off.

“Of course…you would jump to that assumption.  I don’t have time for this.  Damian will be home this afternoon.  Stop by then or you can grab him from the hospital.”  Without any other words, I begin to close the door but John reaches out and stops the door from closing on him.  I bounce back with the door when he slightly steps forward and tries to enter the house.

“May I?”  He doesn’t wait for permission….he simply steps in.

“Um excuse you…I need to leave and I did not invite you in.”  He snubs me off and begins to take off his jacket, throwing it over the banister and looking at me, cracking his fingers together.  “What do you think you are doing?”

“We need to talk…about last night.”  I laugh and shake my head unbelievably.

“Oh  we have nothing to talk about and I am late.”  I begin to walk past him when he reaches out and grabs my wrist, stopping me from leaving the room.  I stop and turn to look at his hand slowly and lift my eyes angrily to meet his.  “Don’t start….don’t you do this again.”  I snatch my wrist back and cross my arms in front of me, watching him.  “You have one minute before I walk out this house…say what you need to say.”

“I want to apologize about last night.  I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand.”  I make a face and quietly nod before shrugging my shoulders.

“Are we done here?”  I lift my fingers and signal quotations marks, mimicking the same exact words he said to me last night.  He smiles sarcastically and shifts his weight from one foot to another.

“I had a bad night…a not so great meeting…and seeing you with another man was pretty much the cherry that topped the Sundae.”

“How is that my problem again John?  Oh wait a minute…It’s not.”  I stare at him frustrated and begin to walk away from him and into the kitchen area where I start gathering my purse and keys.

“Listen to me please….I didn’t mean to upset you last night.”

I laugh because that is about the only thing I could do without reaching out to slap his face.  “Oh really? You did a wonderful job of not upsetting me.  Good Work.  Now if you’ll excuse me…I am late and you are still in my house.”

“Just let me finish.”

“No, your minute is up. Goodbye.”

“Wait Damnit.”

“No…you wait.  Just because you had a bad day doesn’t give you the right to snub be off or be rude to me when I was only trying to talk to you.  I was concerned about you but you didn’t give a damn.  In fact, you told me not to worry about you anymore so that is exactly what I am doing….now get out of my house…please.”

He stares at me silently…his face clearly devastated and his pride probably wounded but I don’t care.  He obviously didn’t think about my feelings last night at all either.  “Fine…I’m leaving.”  I follow him to the corridor with my purse and keys in hand as he reaches for his jacket angrily and throws it on his body.  “Where can I get Damian?”

“You know what….since you wasted my morning with excuses…why don’t you go pick him up at Sami’s. Then you can spend the entire day together as you had planned.”  I move in front of him and open my front door as I stare back at him and wait for him to exit.

“So that’s it?”

“Yes, I believe so.”  I smile softly before remembering something else.  “Oh wait, there is one more thing.  My lawyer will be contacting your lawyer Ronstein to set up a schedule for your days with Damian.  Make sure to keep an eye out for that.”

“This doesn’t need to go through our lawyers Marlena.  It hasn’t gotten that serious.”

“Oh but it has and this is the way I prefer it be from now on.”  Still holding the door for him…..I wait for him to walk through and out of my house and my life.  “Goodbye John.”

He looks helpless as he begins to walk slowly to my door, both of us standing in complete silence.  “If this is how you want it to be…”  I cut him off before he can say another word.

“This is the way it has to be…you left me no other choice.”

He stops and looks right into my eyes, examining my reaction.  “Are you sure about that?”  I nod quickly, dropping my gaze and looking everywhere else but at him.  He steps closer to me but I clear my throat and take a step back.

“Goodbye John.”

“I know you are angry with me.”  I shake my head and laugh.

“No, believe it or not…I’m over it.  I could care less now and I don’t intend to care about anything else when it comes to you.”

He continues to stare at me as I fidget with my keys and purse.  “You don’t mean that.”

“Oh but I do.”

“How about you start being honest with yourself.”

“Get out of my house.”  I glance at my watch before attempting to step forward to force him out.  Our bodies collide when he doesn’t budge nor move out of my way.  I lift my hands to push at his chest but he grabs a hold of both my wrists and keeps me close to him.  “Let go of me.  Don’t you even touch me.”

“I know you are angry with me so just let it all out.”

“Let go of me.”  I try to shove him but he continues to keep me pinned.  I feel him budge a little and then the sound of my front door slams.  I can only assume he kicked the door shut while trying to hold my wrists.  “Stop it John.”

“Go ahead….show me how mad you are.”  With that, he releases my hands and steps back a bit, waiting for my next move.  “How upset are you?”

My eyes begin to cloud with tears as I shake my head…the rage in me beginning to build.

“Are you upset that I left you that day without a word?  Are you angry that I couldn’t call you sooner or reach out to you when you really wanted me to?”

I continue shaking my head, refusing to play this psychological game he is trying to setup….I know this technique…I’m the one who taught him this.

“Tell me about what you felt when I dismissed you on the phone…when you asked me about that night.”

“Stop it and leave.”

“It drove you mad that I didn’t look for you…didn’t it?”

“I’m leaving.”  I begin to walk past him but he stops me by holding his hands out and blocking my moves.  My body shifts from the force of him stopping me and I stare back at him angrily.  “Move.”

“How much did it kill you that I ignored you yesterday?”

“I’m not doing this with you.”  I again try to move out the way but he once again reaches out and holds me back.

He leans close to me as he looks into my eyes.  “How hurt were you when I told you that my biggest mistake was falling back in your bed?”

“I absolutely hate you.”  I forcefully push him out the way but he barely shifts from my blows and grabs my arms tightly…slightly pushing me back to prevent me from moving around him.  My patience is now non existent and my temper is two seconds from exploding. I try once more to move past him but he does one final block.  And then I snap.

My hand immediately goes to his face….leaving a bright red mark along his cheek and stinging in my palm.  “Go ahead…hit me again.”  I don’t know why I give in but I go to hit him again…shoving him hard before slapping him again…and then again.  “Is that what you wanted to do Marlena.  You want to hit me?”  I hear him forcefully shout at me as he stands still and takes every strike I give.

“I want you out of my life.”  I hear myself crying as I continue hitting him as he watches me, never flinching.

“Is that what you want?”  He grabs me by my arms so roughly and crashes our bodies together as his mouth swallows my lips forcefully, biting at my lips with each stroke of his lips.

“No.”  I try to move my face away and swing at his face but he pulls me back towards him.  I manage to release one of my arms and slap at his chest, crying into his mouth.  “Stop it.”  He quickly turns our bodies that my back collides violently into the wall in the corridor.  I try to move him away from me but his hands have now moved to my face where he pins my head in place.

“You still angry?”  He speaks these words against my lips before brushing his tongue against my lips.

“I am.”  I want to fight him, I don’t really want him near me but that ache in the pit of my stomach is starting to remind me of what I have been missing for months.

“Then hit me again….go ahead.”  When I move my hands to his chest to push him away, he grabs both of my wrists and pin them against the wall, his face sneaking to my neck where he bites and sucks the flesh there.  I moan out while biting my lower lip in want.

“I don’t want to do this with you….I want you to leave.”  I cry out as he continues assaulting my neck with heated bites and kisses.

“I think you are lying to yourself and to me as well.”

“No…I need you to leave.”  As soon as that last word left my lips, I felt myself quiver from the trail of his wet tongue to the spot right below my ear.   His actions are so quick that I don’t have time to process what is really happening until it already happens.  I barely register him lifting me up and forcefully wrapping my legs around him as he pins our bodies to the wall, never breaking his mouth away from my skin.  I hear his grunting against my collarbone but I do nothing in return other than shut my eyes, mostly in pleasure but the other part of me in confusion.

I feel him adjust my skirt as it begins to ride higher up my thighs to the point where it becomes increasingly close to bunching over my hips.

I shake my head from side to side and cry out….demanding to be heard.  “I can’t….please stop.”

I only hear him hush me while his mouth searches for mine.  With determined kisses, he nips and swallows the tender skin on my lips as I feel myself falling more and more into his seduction.

Without words, I allow myself to kiss him back as I wrap my arms around his neck and close my eyes, in fear of seeing what is really happening between us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I can barely focus on my surroundings or concentrate on what has actually taken place in the last half hour of the day.  I don’t know how to explain anything that has just happened nor can I even find any words to possibly say to him.  We both sit along the floor…spent and completely out of breath.  I look over to find him sweating and panting profusely, his head leaning against the wall….his eyes closed.

I adjust the fabric of my blouse and attempt to sit up a little more against the wall.  The ache in the middle of my back pretty much prevents me from making any quick movements.  I’m sure being pounded against the wall didn’t help and is most likely the cause for this issue. I gasp out when the pain becomes a constant cramp and I reach behind me to rub the pain that lingers there.

“Are you okay?” I turn and look towards John, who is now sitting up and looking at me curiously.

“I’m fine.”  I continue to rub the pain while moving slightly, attempting to move further away from John. I feel like the distance between us isn’t big enough.

“Are you sure? I can rub the spot that is hurting you?” His hands begin to move towards me but I shift uncomfortably.

“No…” I breathe out and shift again. “No, I’m okay.” I don’t know why I am being so short with John. I almost feel uncomfortable to be around him. Maybe I am uncomfortable with the idea of what just happened between us. It could be that I am not comfortable about what took place that lead us to what just happened. I don’t like the fact that violence was involved and was able to turn us on so much to the point of no control.

Looking down…..I notice my thighs are covered in goosebumps as my skirt sit bunched around my hips.  My pantyhose are long gone and somehow missing….where to I am not sure.  My panties have shockingly remained in tact and lay along the floor near both of us.  I close my eyes and try to make sense about what went on but I have no answers.  After sex, I usually feel fulfilled and satisfied and even though our exchange was, without a doubt pleasurable….I feel empty.  My fingers begin to tug at the material of my skirt and slowly yanks the hemline down my thighs….covering the light bumps along my skin.

I sit up on my knees and begin adjusting the fabric of my skirt, pulling it down my thighs and making sure that it’s properly fitted along my hips. I notice that my shoes are scattered around the room with one shoe laying near the stairwell while the other sits below the table in the foyer.

I rise to my feet and begin buttoning my blouse while tucking the hem into my skirt. I try not to look towards John as I dress because I don’t want to see what he is feeling.  Finding my panties, I quickly grab them and slip them on, hoping that John isn’t watching me. I only turn and look towards him when I hear him sigh and the sound of his belt jingling.

My eyes watch him closely as he bites his lower lip while lifting his hips to adjust his jeans and boxers as I finish up the buttons on my top. I do my best not to make it obvious and look his way so I decide to turn my back towards him while searching for my shoes. When I hear him stand, I quietly glance his way again as he finishes buckling his belt and tucking the hem of his polo into his jeans. He leans down to grab his leather jacket and throws it on, while adjusting the collar.

It’s funny because we both are acting like two teenagers, who have no connection other than what just happened, who awkwardly stand around after they have had sex.  Too afraid to even say a word…too afraid to even look at one another.

“So I guess you need to get to work now, hmm?” His voice is hoarse and coated with exhaustion.

“Yes” Slipping on my shoes, I start to look around for my purse and keys as I smooth down my skirt and suit jacket.

“I guess I will head and to pick up Damian from Sami’s.”.

“Yes, you should do that.” I walk away from him in search of my purse to which I find scattered along the floor along with my phone and keys. I’m not shocked but I wish we wouldn’t be so chaotic at times like that.  “I need to get going.”

“You’re going like that?” I immediately turn and look at him.

“Like what?” I lift my eyebrows and wait for his answer.  He only smiles and motions with his hands at my outfit.

“Like this? You usually freshen up and jump in the shower after we’ve made love….you’re not going to do that?”

“Making love? Is that what that was?”  He stares at me awkwardly and I shake my head slowly.

“That wasn’t making love, that was sex….plain and simple.”  He doesn’t like that I’ve cheapened what we did by casually dismissing our connection as sex.  “I’m late. I’ve missed a department meeting, not to mention I am running behind for appointments, and I’m still standing here in my living room talking to you. Thanks.”

I quickly walk past him and begin grabbing the items I need so that I can hurry up and leave.

As I’m leaning down to retrieve my items, I can feel John standing behind me….in fact quite closely. I’m not surprised when I feel his arms wrap around my waist and his face nuzzles my neck. He always becomes amorous every time he’s had a taste of me and has dived into my body.

He’s surprised when I refuse his affection.  He is even more shocked when I pull his arms off of me and remove myself from his hold. In fact, he should know better than to assume I would be lovable especially after what just happened between us.  He knows that I am never just okay after we have made love, which was initiated because of a fight.  I always have some sort resentment from not not being heard or solving our issues the way it should be solved.

“You okay?”  I don’t know why he is looking at me with this clueless expression written all over his face.

“Fine…As I’ve said, I’m late and I need to go.”  I throw my purse over my shoulder and quickly flip through any messages on my phone.

“Do you want to talk about what just happened?”

“No John, I don’t.  What I really need is for you to leave and go get Damian.”

“I think we should probably discuss what just happened.”  I smile because I can’t believe he isn’t listening to a word I am saying.

“No, I have nothing to say nor the time to do so.”  He watches me closely as I shrug and begin to walk towards him.  “I need you to leave, like right now.”  When he doesn’t move….I sigh and roll my eyes.  I attempt to step around him but he blocks me and doesn’t budge when I nudge him out the way.  I close my eyes in exhaustion and fight the urge not to snap again.  “John, please…get out. Do not do this again.”

He leans in close to my face as he makes a soft smirk while staring into my eyes. “I haven’t done a thing.”

“I don’t have time for this.”  I walk around him and quickly open my door, not turning around or waiting for him to leave the house.  At this point, I could not care less if he comes or goes.  I hear my front door close behind me and hear his footsteps as we both begin walking to our cars that are parked in the driveway.  I should have known he would be right behind me.  So I am not shocked when he reaches past me and opens my car door, waiting for me to get in.

“I want to talk about what just happened Marlena. I think we need to.”  I shake my head and try to close my car door but he continues to hold it open.  Doing exactly what I did to him the night before by pinning my car door open to prevent me from leaving, I sit helplessly and try not to say anymore than I have to.

“I don’t….There really is nothing to discuss.  It is what it is…don’t dissect it.”

“I’m not…I want to discuss last night and what I said.  Tempers were high and I said some things I shouldn’t have.”

I reach for the door and pull but to no avail.  “John please stop….I don’t have time for this.”

“Make time.”

“I can’t….You’ve wasted enough of my morning…now let go.”  I angrily shout at him as I try to pull the door back towards me.

“Wasted huh?”  His jaw tenses as he continues to stare down at me.

“Let go of the door.”

“We need to talk about this and I won’t leave until we do.”  I shake my head and stare at the dashboard before turning to look up at him.

“I have nothing to say to you….I feel the same exact way I did last night and this morning.  Nothing has changed between us.  I still want our lawyers to handle anything that has to do with Damian.”

He steps back a bit but doesn’t release the door.  “Wow, that’s it?”

“Yes….”  I pause for a moment.  “No, wait a minute….there is one more thing.”  We both lock gazes as I take a deep breath.  “What just happened between us….cannot and Will Not happen again….ever.  And I mean that.”  I manage to yank the door back and slam it shut, quickly locking all doors and starting the car.  I don’t bother to glance back at John as I reverse the car out the driveway.  I only know that he stepped back and watched me pull away and drive off.

I barely make it 5 minutes into the car ride when my phone sounds off and message pops up on my screen.  Grabbing it while keeping my eyes on the road, I slide my finger across the screen and review the message.

‘I’ll see you tonight when I drop off Damian….and We Will talk about what happened.’

Closing the screen, I toss the phone into the passenger seat and squeeze my steering wheel in frustration.

“Oh My God, what have I done?”

VIII.

I never considered my life to be perfect package.  I never assumed anyone would envy my life or relationships….going based on the history that I have had.  There were times when I thought I had the world on a string….times when I thought nothing in life mattered because I had everything I ever wanted, standing right beside me.  How naive was I?  Maybe it has nothing to do with being naive….perhaps I was simply happy.  I guess right now….Its safe to say, I’m bitter.

The sad part was that I was doing so good for so long.  Two years…..two very long, whole years I managed to go on with my life and do the things I wanted to do.  I learned to live alone, be independent….be the mother I always wanted to be….accept life for what it is.  Two years I managed to do all that….and then he stepped right back into my world…and confused things.  I need to stop blaming him…it wasn’t his fault entirely.

What am I saying?  It wasn’t his fault at all….I am the one who started this.  I begged him not to leave….I used my body to betray both of our decisions and fell into his arms.  Now thinking back, I should have let him walk out that door and leave.  But I was afraid….afraid of the unknown.  Afraid that I may never see him again…never speak to him .  Why that mattered then is still a mystery to me.  We had gone for months without speaking to each other…so why I felt the need to pull him towards me and smother his face with my kisses…leaves me at a complete loss for words.

I can’t describe the feelings that bubbled inside me when I saw him at the restaurant.  It was a complete mixture of nervousness, excitement, tension, and believe it or not….love.  That’s my only explanation for running after him and leaving Sam at the table, without so much a word.  I can’t even begin to describe the pain I felt when John went out of his way to ignore me.  It devastated me, it angered me…..and it left me no other choice but to lash out and be completely irrational until I had his complete attention.  That’s my only explanation for throwing myself in his car and holding myself hostage until he could look me in the eye and explain to me why he was dismissing me.  I’m not proud of my actions….but I’m not perfect either…I never claimed I was.

And now…..look what we have done.  We certainly have made a mess of ourselves again.  We became exactly what we tried so hard not to become anymore…Lovers.  John was right about one thing…I was his biggest mistake…the mistake of falling back into my arms has caused all of this chaos.  I reminded him what it was like to be back in my bed, in my arms, and between my thighs again….I take the full blame for it.  I’m afraid I now might have reopened the flood gates and now that intense craving to have our bodies intertwined will forever be burned into his thoughts.   I can’t say that I won’t be thinking about that as well but at least I can control my actions and passions….I won’t force myself into his house and shove him against a wall until my body quakes in completion.

I close my eyes to force the images out of my head from earlier.  The thought of him pressing into my body, the thought of my thighs squeezing his torso as my feet knotted at the small of his back.  I can almost feel his tongue along my neck and hear the heavy words that left his mouth this morning.  If I close my eyes tight enough, I can hear his grunts and feel his fingers digging into the back of my thighs.  I open my eyes and shake my head slowly….unable to shake the images from my mind.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy our little interlude against the wall in my home this morning.  I would also be lying if I told you that my body never reacted to the sharp quick thrusts he gave as I knotted my fingers into his shirt while my teeth nipped at his neck.   I might be exaggerating if I told you he released himself way before me…it might have been the other way around.  We’re a mess…there is no other way to define us other than that.

I glance at my watch and rub my face slowly, tiredly….unable to think about anything more today.  I need my son back home today….that’s all I know for sure.  Getting up from the couch, I walk slowly around the living room, rubbing both of my arms….suddenly chilled from the temperature in the room.  Perhaps I am just nervous…anxious.  I don’t really want to see John again….I don’t want to talk….I have nothing to say to him.  I know he will bring up today and I just don’t want to discuss it….I don’t want to revisit that moment because I know what will happen.  It will spark his hopes….that little pang of desire will coat his belly and before you know it, he will be in my space, trying to seduce me yet again.

I also would be lying if I told you I wouldn’t fall for that seduction again.  He makes me weak with desire whenever he turns on that charm and I feel so wanted and loved at times like those that I give in….sometimes easier than I’d like to admit.

The distant sound of a car door closing and car alarm being activated captures my attention.  My heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat at just the thought of John at my front door again.  I’m dreading the look on his face….I’m dreading the topic of us period.  Quickly making my way to the door….I pull it open just in time to find John and Damian walking up the step towards the doorway.  My mood is crushed when I notice Damian is fast asleep in his arms for what appears to be…for the night.  I barely allow John past the doorway when I reach for Damian and pull him into my arms, adjusting his sleeping head along my shoulder.

“He knocked out in the car.  I tried my best to keep him up but the little guy had a long day.”  His smile is charming….Damian has that same smirk.

“I’m sure….he probably had tons of fun today with his father.  It’s been awhile.”  I keep my voice at a low pitch….not wanting to disturb Damian.  “Thank you for taking him out for the day….I’m sure he loved it.  Also thank you for bringing him by.”

“No problem at all….I missed my son.”

“I’m sure you did.”  I adjust him on my arm and reach for Damian’s small backpack from John’s hand, hoping he will get the clue and leave.

“Do you want me to help you?”  I shake my head before he could even finish the sentence.

“No, no…I got it.  Thank you.”

“Are you hungry?  Did you eat?”  He begins to walk into the house and my heart drops….I truly do not want to discuss anything with him right now.  I just want to take my son upstairs…change him and go to bed.

“No I’m good….not hungry at all.”  We both stand awkwardly in the foyer as I sway Damian gently in my arms.  “Thanks again for stopping by.”

He stares at me and I begin to fidget….I know that look.  That look that tells me he isn’t going anywhere and that we need to talk.   “Let me help you put him down.”

“No, I got it John….thank you.”

“Okay fine..”  He steps back and puts his hands up defensively.  “I would like to stick around for a bit though.”

I try not to make my sigh sound obvious but I think he noticed.  “John, I am really tired and I actually would like to call it a night and go to bed.”

“How about you talk to me for a little bit and then I will leave….I promise.”  He holds up two fingers and pinches the air just to show me he won’t take up much of my time.

“Can we talk another time?”  I try to sound hopeful but he shakes his head and takes his coat off.   I close my eyes angrily and turn away from him….walking to the staircase.  “I’m going to put him down…I will be right back. Please stay down here.”  I feel the need to warn him because I can’t risk him coming upstairs and both of us ending up in my bedroom.

After 25 minutes of changing my child and tucking him into bed, I head back downstairs and find John sitting along the couch, flipping through his messages on his phone.  I don’t know whether to walk away from him or to walk towards him and get this over with.  Rubbing both of my arms, I walk towards him and sit along the love seat that is kiddy corner from him.  He looks up towards me and puts his phone down, clutching his hands together in front of him and smiling.   “Thank you for letting me stay.”

I shrug and look the other way.  “Looks like I didn’t have much of a choice.”  I turn back towards him after a minute and look into those bright blue eyes.  “What did you want to talk to me about.”

He smiles and shakes his head, looking down at the carpet and then at his phone on the coffee table in front of him.  “You know what I was thinking about while I was sitting here waiting for you?”

I shake my head at him and wait for his answer.  When he doesn’t say anything….I sigh quietly.  “What?”

“You and I making love here on this couch….that night I was about to leave.”  I close my eyes and stand up quickly…holding both of my arms again.

“John stop it…please.  I don’t want to discuss that.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to talk about sex….I don’t want you getting any ideas.”  He laughs and I look at him questioningly.

“That already happened today…or did you forget?  I’m not getting any ideas dear….it was just a simple comment.”

“Well please stop them.  Now what did you want to talk about?”

“I want to talk about what happened earlier…yesterday and why I have been amiss for the last few months.”

I turn my head at him sharply….my arms now crossed in front of me.  “Oh now you want to share with me?”

“Well I can share small details now that I have some things cleared up….I can’t go into tons of explanations though.”  I shake my head and bite my lower lip in anger.

“Well, I don’t even want to hear about it anymore…it’s none of my business.  I should have never begged you to stay or asked you to tell me in the first place….your life is your business, not mine.”

“Oh suddenly we are so defensive….”

“I’m tired and I don’t really see how any of that is my business to begin with so don’t bother telling me….I don’t need to know.”  I begin to walk away from him and towards the kitchen area.

“Even if it could affect Damian?”  I stop dead in my tracks and quickly turn back towards him.

“What do you mean by that? How could whatever is happening affect Damian?”

He shrugs and sticks his hands in both of his pockets, waiting for me to walk back towards him.  “Well that is why we need to discuss some stuff.”

Capturing my attention, I walk towards him and sit near him as he walks over and sits next to me….both of us quiet.  “There is a lot going on with me Marlena…some stuff I am not proud of….some things that have took a major toll on my life.”

I only listen because I have nothing else to say….I’m curious as to how this affects Damian.

“For those three months, I was overseas handling a lot of mishaps that I should have been keeping an eye on in the first place.  Some things went wrong and now we have to deal with the consequences.”

“What things?”  I remain quiet because I am unsure where this is going.

He sighs heavily and drops his head down…almost as if he is in deep thought.   “I can’t speak much of this because my lawyers are dealing with this but I will tell you…we need to review some of those contracts we signed for Damian.”

“What contracts?  His trust funds?”  I’m beyond confused now.

“Yeah….my lawyer is going to sit down with both of us…and it would be a good thing if your lawyer was involved too so we can get this squared away.”

“Oh my Gosh…what are you even talking about?”  I turn towards him, my hands now running up and down my thighs in nervousness.  “What is going on?”

The sound of vibrations along the coffee table capture both of our attentions as we turn and look at the phone.  He leans over and grabs it….hitting the side button to silence it and putting it back on the table.  He looks towards me and begins to speak again but he stops…unable to focus.

“You’re scaring me…what’s wrong?”  I try to search for his eyes but he keeps them away from me.  The vibrations from coffee table go off again and we both glance.  This time I notice a name….and a phone number.  He reaches over to silence it yet again but doesn’t turn to look at me.

“Sorry about that.”

I clear my throat and roll my shoulders back, keeping my back tall.  The phone goes off again and I angrily stand up and walk over to the window, looking out at the backyard.  “Take your call…apparently it is important.”

“No it’s not.”

“Could have fooled me.”  I continue to stare out when I notice his reflection in the window…walking up slowly behind me.  When he stands behind me….I close my eyes and try to control the jealously bubbling in the pit of my stomach.  I beg myself not to say anything but I find myself losing that battle.  “Who is Kimberly?”  I turn slowly towards him until we are simply a breath apart from one another.  “A friend?  An associate?”

He smiles and shakes his head.  “That’s not important right now….we were discussing Damian.”

“Yes we were…before we were rudely interrupted…by Kimberly.”  I stress her name slowly, making sure to pronounce every syllable in her name.  “So who is she?”  I truly want to know…I shouldn’t care but I do.

“Can we get back on track here?”  He is avoiding my question…I can tell by the way he diverts his eyes away from mine.

“Why can’t you answer a simple question?”

“Because that is not important.”  That nervous little smile he always does when he is hiding something, is starting to creep up on him.  Why can’t he just be honest and tell me the truth.

“Oh, so it’s important for you to know who I see and who they are to me but god forbid I ask you the same question.”

“Speaking of…how is my good friend Sam doing?  Is he enjoying quality time with my ex wife?”  He is changing the topic, classic John.  I smile awkwardly and shake my head silently….utterly upset about this going and back and forth game we are playing.

“Why can’t you be honest John?  It’s okay to see other people…we are divorced you know.”  I walk away from him and stand near the fireplace.  It really is chilly in the house….I should start this up…but then again I don’t want to give John any ideas either.

“Because that really isn’t your concern….now is it?”  I turn around to stare at him because I don’t believe I heard him correctly.

“I’m sorry?  What did you say?”

He turns his face away and refuses to make eye contact with me.  “I said it’s not your concern.”

“Why are you here again?”  I’m angry and he knows it…I also know that he won’t leave my house until we have ‘That Talk’….even if I were to push him out, he’d still be here.

“My point exactly…we were talking about Damian.”

“No we were talking about you and your business…something that could affect Damian.  What is it?”

“It really is something we should sit down and talk about.”  I don’t budge when he tries to lead me towards the couch….I continue to stand near the fireplace and watch him carefully…closely.  “Please sit down….for me.”  I’m still unsure but I decide to give in and walk slowly towards the couch when his phone begins to vibrate yet again….her name popping up.  “I am so done with this.  Take your damn call now before I do.”  I point at the phone angrily as he stands still, almost as if he is completely torn on what to do.

“Ignore it.”

“How can I when it’s going off every 2 minutes?”  I sit down on the couch and watch his phone closely, waiting for John to make a move.  He reaches over and starts sliding his finger across the screen until the phone power downs.  “Problem solved huh?”

“I’m sorry…back to our conversation.”

“You know,”  I scratch my head and squint a bit… “I really am not in the mood to talk about this anymore.  That ship has sailed and I really would like nothing more for you to leave so I can go to bed.”

“No, not until we talk.”

“I’m done talking….I really am.”  I stand up and start to walk away but he grabs my arm to stop me.  I look down at his fingers pressing into my skin and then slowly back at him.  “Let go of me.”

“I need you to hear me out.”

“No.”  I yank my arm back towards me, stumbling back when he releases.  “Please get your things and leave.”

“You’re upset about the phone call?”

“Calls and no I am not.”  He starts laughing while following me around the house like some neglected puppy.

“No, really?  Then why the sudden cold shoulder?  Do I ever say anything when Tucan Sam starts calling your phone?”

“Who?”  I turn around so quickly to look at him that he laughs at my confused reaction.

“Sam…or did we forget who he is?”

“You know what….do not stand there and act like you don’t react jealously when Sam is around or calls.”

“I will admit that I don’t like another man around my child or even in the house when my child is present.”

“Yes, I’m sure it has everything to do with Damian.”

“Oh you think it’s about you?”

I shrug and glance at him sarcastically.  “Is it not?”

He laughs and taps his fingers against the marble counter top. “Wow….some things never change.  It not always about you Marlena.”

“No you’re right its not….but when it involves another man in my life…very rarely does it have to do with anything else other than me.  You don’t like me seeing other men…you have always been that way.”

“I’ve changed….I’m not the same man I used to be.”

“Right.  So you must have changed since last night because I’m pretty sure that whole dismissive thing had to do with seeing me with another man.”

“I told you…it was a bad night.”

“Oh…and having sex with me aggressively after seeing his name pop up in my phone…had nothing to do with being jealous?”  I watch him as he fidgets but doesn’t bother saying a word.  “Or telling me that you don’t want me seeing him ever again…and if I need to have sex with someone…I find you.  That has nothing to do with jealousy…huh?”

“Like I said…it’s your life….you do what you want.”

“Fine…then please leave my home so that I can go about my life.”

“Not until we talk first.”

“No, I’m done.”  I walk up to him angrily and shove at his chest.  “Just leave.”  When he doesn’t move…I continue to push at his chest until he grabs both of my wrists and shoves me back against the counter.  His mouth forcefully latches onto mine as we both struggle to breathe from the intensity of the kiss.  I turn my face away and groan because I don’t want to do this with him…he is trying to divert my attention.  “John, stop.”

“You don’t want me to stop anymore than I want to.”  He bites my neck and sucks intensely as I try to move my body away from his overactive mouth.

“I need you to leave.”

“I need you to kiss me.”  His fingers find y jaw and forefully turn my face back towards his.  He pins my jaw still and dives for my mouth, plunging his tongue between my lips, hoping that I will give in and meet him halfway.

“No, stop it.”  When he starts tugging on my clothes, I attempt to push him away but his body is too heavy against mine.  “Is this the changed man…the one that doesn’t want me?”

“I never said I didn’t want you.”  He mumbles against my skin while his hands continue to roam all over my body.

“No you’re just the man who doesn’t care what I do in my life….yet you’re here…doing this to me.”

“Stop talking and kiss me.”

“No, leave me be.”  I’m breathless from trying to fight him off.

“Who is she John?”

“Who?”

“You know who….tell me who she is to you?”  His teeth skim along my shoulder and up to my neck where they latch on to my jaw.  I close my eyes because I don’t want to know the truth…I don’t want to hear it….but I have to.  When he doesn’t say anything, I push at his chest until he removes his mouth from me.  “Who is she?”

“It’s not important.”

“It is to me.”

“Just let me love you Marlena…let me love your body.”  “He whispers against my lips but I shake my head sadly.  I can’t do this again…I don’t think I want to do this again.

“John…”  I am quietly pleading for the truth…but he doesn’t want to give it.

“You’re the one I want….that’s all you need to know.”  His mouth moves to mine and slowly moves against my lips.  I sigh into his mouth because I feel helpless and defeated.  I push away at his chest, breaking the connection between our mouths.

“I don’t want to do this with you…not now.”

He backs away sadly but appears to be understanding.  “Once is enough for the day huh?  Once was never enough for us before.”

“Well we were married then.”  I keep my eyes down and away from him….I also turn my face away as I try and recover myself and adjust my clothing.  “Things were different.”

He nods quietly and begins straightening out his clothing, particularly his pants.  It’s impossible not to notice the bulge that has developed and now standing neglected below his jeans.

“I’m sorry.”  I truly am sympathetic but I just am not in the mood to do anything with him…especially now that there is this mysterious female that he refuses to speak about.

“It’s fine…not your fault.”  He leans awkwardly against the counter, folding his hands together and placing them in front of the bulge, smiling at me.

I start to laugh because there is nothing else that I can do….the sight of him trying to calm himself down and stand still, knowing he must be uncomfortable…is amusing.   We both laugh at each other as he finds another way to stand so that the denim doesn’t press against his erection.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m not but hey…nothing we can do about it.”  He shrugs and turns to look for the fridge before looking back at me.  “I would get it myself but….can I get something to drink…water possibly?”

Nodding my head, I walk to the fridge and grab a bottle of a water for him, handing it over and standing next to him.  “I really am sorry…I just can’t.”

“No worries.”  We both stand quietly, unsure of what to say.

“Do you still want to tell me about what is going on?”

He drops his head and shakes it slowly.  “Not really…but I guess we should.”  He looks over at me and smiles weakly.  “Let’s sit down.”

I watch him sit slowly in the chair as I wait patiently for him to explain what is happening.  I don’t know what to think at this point but I am concerned…his reaction doesn’t sooth my fears either.

“Okay….I will get straight to the point. As you know…I was gone for those few months trying to catch up on some stuff….but that wasn’t the only reason.”

“What was the reason?”

“My company…..there is some things…”  I watch him stutter and struggle with his words when my house phone begins to ring.  He closes his eyes sadly and drops his head in frustration.  I reach out and touch his hand, informing him to give me one second.

I reach for my phone and glance at the caller ID.  I bite my lip and wonder if I should even answer it but I’m afraid that if I don’t…the phone will continue to ring and wake Damian.  I accept the call and quietly walk further away from John.

I keep the conversation brief and dance around the questions being asked by basically saying yes, no, I think so, I see, and okay.  I don’t know if my caller catches on but I do know that John does when he walks up behind me.  He touches my back to get my attention and when I only turn towards him partially and turn back…he has a clue who I am talking to.  I do my best to ignore John and concentrate on the call but all I can think of is John leaning over my back, trying to see who I am talking to.  I’m hunched over the counter when he pushes himself into me, his erection still very much present and grinding into my backside.  I try to move away but he pins me still and slowly continues to bump into me from behind, holding my waist as he would if we were having sex.

I stutter into the call and do my best to end it but for some reason, my caller won’t catch a clue. I feel John as he pushes more and more into my back, my body rocking into the counter with every grind he makes. I reach back to swipe at him but he grabs my arm and places it out in front of me on the counter, his fingers skimming down my arm and eventually intertwining with mine.  He moves to my available ear and whispers heavily, attempting to distract me completely.  When I don’t respond….he tries again.

“I want to make love to you so badly….end your call.”

When I don’t, I start to feel his hands run around my body until they rest along the waistband of my yoga pants.  His fingers begin to wander and start skimming into my pants as I wiggle and shift my body in hopes to remove his hand.  My other hand is still pressed against the counter with his fingers while his free hand roams around in places I prefer he not be.

“If you don’t end your call, I will make love to you while you’re still talking to him.”  I bite my lip and mutter out a no, realizing my caller must now be confused as to what I am saying.  I quickly recover and tell them that I need to run, apologizing for my lack of concentration.  I use Damian as an excuse but promise to call them back when I have a free moment.

I barely say goodbye when John reaches for the phone at my ear and clicks the button to end it.  I don’t look at him, I don’t even turn around.  When his fingers have slipped out of my pants and his hips have backed away from my body, his hand grabs at my shoulder and turns me around so that I am looking at him.  I look up at him with heavy eyes and watch him as he steps closer to my body, until every point of our bodies is touching.

“Please don’t tell me no.”  He whispers this against my lips before swallowing my mouth whole with his kiss.  We stay locked for what seems like hours in a passionate kiss before breaking apart and looking at each other sadly.  “I really need you right now.”

“John….we can’t.”

“Shh….let me do all the work.”  With those final words, I feel his arms go beneath me and lift me up and into his arms, his mouth instantly crushing mine.  I don’t know what to think or even what to do…I know that I’m tired of saying no…and I’m tired of my pleas falling on deaf ears.  I’m also scared of what is going on and why he is scared to tell me what is happening.  I don’t know what to do anymore and I know what we are doing isn’t the right answer…but it’s all we have.

I stay quiet and surrender myself to him because deep down inside…I know he’s scared and I know this is what he needs….I can’t deny him and I won’t…not tonight.

I can’t recall exactly what happened in the last hours of the night….I can barely process what is happening right now from what appears….to be daylight.  I awake to the slight shifting on the bed, soft chirping from the birds outside my window and to the light humming coming from the vents in the room.  My face is buried into the soft sheets of the mattress as my chest lay pressed against the cushion of my bed.   I can barely focus on my surroundings as I slowly lift my head and look around the room, at least from the angle I am laying in.

A thin sheet is barely covering my hips, my entire back exposed with my hair cascading everywhere.  I softly turn my head and look to my side where I find John…who is laying on his side and gazing at me lovingly.  He reaches out and runs his fingers down my back, sending chills down my spine and leaving goosebumps in the process.  Oh how I adore that smile, and that exact look he is giving me now.  I smile weakly before placing my head back down, closing my eyes tiredly and trying to stifle my yawn.  I honestly am too exhausted to speak but I know silence would be much too awkward at this point.

I continue to allow his small touches along my arm and back as I lay quietly, enjoying the feeling of of his fingers along my flesh.  My mind begins to flash through the images and memories from last night, almost as if I were watching a slow paced slideshow.  Scenes begin to play throughout my mind: his body hovering over mine, his mouth along my chest…down my stomach and in between my thighs.  If I close my eyes tight enough, I almost feel him being buried inside me….the feeling of his tool brushing my insides with each thrust that he gives.  I can hear his breathing, his moaning, his wet lips puckering against mine….his humming, his thrusting, his begging….I hear it all.

I open my eyes and look up at him, his ocean blues staring back down at me…probably wondering what has me so deep in thought, so early in the morning.  At least I think it’s early in the morning.  I am much too sore to even move my legs and arms to turn and look at the clock, which is on his side of the bed.  I don’t know if I even care about the time.

“Good morning.”  His smile could make me fall head over heels for him again.  That glimmer in his eyes has me believing he too has fell for me yet again.

“Good morning to you too.”  With my eyes closed, I smile gently and nuzzle into my pillow.  “Have you been up long?”

He scoots closer to me, his lips brushing my forehead in the sweetest way.  “No, not that long.”

I smile and turn my face away, enjoying the softness of my pillow way too much.  “I’ve been trying to hold off from looking but I can’t help it anymore….what time is it?”

I feel the bed shift slightly for a moment before I feel his body heat again.  “7 am.”

“Oh geez…..don’t you sleep?”  I laugh quietly, my body completely relaxed below the sheets, my mind at peace….for the moment.

He chuckles for a second before bringing his fingers back to my body, creating lazy circles down my back and sides.  “I do…I just can’t sleep right now.”

“Why is that?”  I am practically mumbling….I’m falling back into that slumber.

The bed shifts again only this time, I feel his body pressed right against my side, his lips hovering over my ear.

“Because I woke up from this dream…of you on top of me….with that pretty mouth of yours kissing me in that way only you could do.  With these hands touching my body…”  He reaches for my hand and begins intertwining our fingers.  “With these thighs hugging my torso…”  He leans down and brings his hand to my covered thighs, squeezing them gently.  “With this ass moving up and down on me.”  His hand cups my rear through the sheet as his teeth nip at my shoulder, causing soft gasps to escape my mouth and into the depths of my pillow.

“That’s some dream.”  I can barely contain myself, I feel myself pooling between my thighs….my centre anxiously awaiting for his arrival.

“It is, isn’t it.”  His mouth softly kisses the back of my neck once he sweeps away the hair that was laying there.  “Now, can you see why I can’t sleep?”

I lift my face away from the pillow and turn to look at him, laying my head down gently.  “I think I understand why now.”

His eyes have grown dark and heavy, his eyes are now mere slits as they watch me closely.  “So what do you think we should about it?”

“I don’t know….that’s a good question.”  I smile seductively and reach out to let my fingernails drag along his chest and down his arm.  “Perhaps a cold shower might help.”

He smirks as he moves in closer to me, running his hand down my backside and squeezing.  “True….but maybe we can think of another alternative.”  His mouth is barely a breath away as he looks down lovingly at me before taking my lips in the softest of kisses.  We stay locked in a soft kiss, neither of us in a hurry to increase the speed or pressure of our lips along each other.  I don’t know when the mood changed but I do know that he turned and laid flat on his back, his hands reaching behind him and gripping his pillow.  I wasn’t sure what he wanted….well I take that back….I know what he needed but I wasn’t sure what he was asking for.  It wasn’t clear whether he wanted to be in me or if he wanted my mouth on him.  I didn’t have time to think nor debate about it….I simply wanted him just as much as he wanted me.

Last night wasn’t enough….it only fueled my desire to have him even more, if possible.

I lifted myself up off the mattress and crawled slowly over his waiting body.  He reached out and pulled back the sheets that were slightly covering me, preparing for my body to lift up and over him.  Without further instruction, I lifted one leg over his hips and rested it along his side, lowering my body onto his upper thighs, watching his expressions closely.

The biggest turn on for me is the moment his very obvious erection is pressing with full force against all of my womanhood.  That alone could make me burst into a million pieces, his penis never needing entry.  I close my eyes at the feel of his ridges rubbing against my lips and swollen nub between my legs.  I feel my body overheating at the thought of his enlarged organ sliding back and forth between my moist flesh, the soft wet sounds of our sexes meshing together.  My nipples begin to ache from the aroused state they are in, erected and ready for touching.  I’m almost sure my skin has now a slight red hue, signaling the desperation of my desire.  His hands fall upon my body and slowly run down arms to my breast, holding them gently before toying with my nipples, rolling them between his finger tips all the while staring up at my face.  I don’t meet his eyes for long, I was barely able to remain eye contact for those 10 seconds.

My mouth drops open as I dip my head back, staring up at the ceiling for a brief moment before shutting them in passion again.  My hands lead a path of their own and run down my own breasts, locking John’s hands on me as we both caress my body, slowly and erotically.  My hips begin to move on their own volition, my sex running up and down his swollen member, leaving traces of my excitement all over.

“I want you now.”  His growl is deep, anxious, and demanding….all the things that feed into my lust.

“You haven’t showed me how badly you want it.”  He grunts as he lifts his hips up roughly, bumping me forward.  He presses his fingers into my hips as he holds me still while continuing to jut his hips and forward into my womanhood.  My hands instantly crush his chest as I do my best to hold myself up while he bumps up, over and over.

“I’m going to put it in you.”

“No, no….hold on.”  I smile as I try to pull away but he pulls me closer, trying to press our sexes together.  When I continue to fight him, he sits up and grabs me around my waist, flipping us over and pressing my back against the mattress quickly and roughly.  He parts my legs quickly and places one leg in the crook of his arm while the other wraps around his torso.

“You should have listened to me when I told you that I wanted you.”  He leans down to kiss my lips but I turn my head away and giggle.

“You haven’t proved to me how badly you want me.”  I flirt seductively, biting my lower lip and watching him with heavy eyes.  Licking my teeth, I make sure to let my tongue linger across the front of my lips in a slow sweep, while he stares down at me….unable to remain calm and patient.  “Are you going to show me now?”

“I’m going to fuck you uncontrollably.”  He bites my lower lip as I cry out into his mouth. When he pulls away, my lip feels numb and swollen…the slight taste of blood that I assume has escaped my lip.

“You want the kinky stuff huh?”

“No, I just want this pussy right here.”  I usually cringe when I hear that word but for some reason, it’s turning me on in more ways than I can describe. He kisses me so roughly that I can barely catch my breath when he pulls away.  “And when I am done with you, it won’t want anyone else….but me.”  I smile because he has a point….usually whenever you have been with John, you won’t want anyone else….everyone else will pale in comparison.  I accept his sloppy kiss as he lifts my leg higher, pressing his body down on mine.  “My mark will be all over it….and you won’t belong to anyone else but me.”

I don’t feel the need to reply to his comment, I simply sigh and wait for what is about to come.  My wishes are granted when I feel the tip of him slip inside of my centre, both of us gasping quietly from the connection.  It takes merely a few seconds before he begins sliding himself completely in and out of my body….painstakingly slow yet extremely satisfying.  He presses my leg into his body as he lifts up on his knees and begins pumping into my body.  The angle we are in is not exactly something we usually practice and the position doesn’t give much depth, yet his movements feel unbelievably amazing.  I lay still along the bed with one leg propped in the air, while he kneels before me, pumping furiously into my womanhood.

“You miss this?”  He can barely speak, he is panting heavily….his face mixed with satisfaction and concentration.

“Do you miss me?”  I love what he is doing but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction he is looking for….on an emotional level.  I want him to admit he misses me, misses this…needs me more than I need him.

“Why wouldn’t I?”  He cries out when he hits a spot and I instantly remember we are not alone.

“Shh, you’ll wake Damian.”

“He is a good distance away, he won’t hear.”  It’s almost cute how much denial men harbor at moments like these….the mothers in us know better….your child will wake to the sounds of marshmallows falling onto carpet.  Their ears are bionic.

“John, just keep it down.”  I am having a hard time muttering those words as my pitch is beginning to raise a bit…with each and every single thrust.  I reach for the pillow and cover my face, releasing the moans that must escape me.  He pushes so deeply that I cry out his name, squeezing, clenching, tearing the down pillow that is over my face.

He releases my leg and falls upon my body, tossing the pillow from my face and instantly locking his mouth onto mine, his tongue twirling around mine.   His body continues to dig into mine as I meet each and every single thrust he gives.  I want to scream but I know I can’t….I also know I am at that very edge where I am about to lose it all.  I believe he is too….his pumping is becoming furious.

I know I shouldn’t try anything different and just prepare for what is about to happen, but I don’t think I am ready for this to end.  I reach up and place my hands on his chest, pushing him up and off me.  He pauses and looks down at me, confuses and worried.  I quickly dismiss his fears by moving him onto his back and crawling over his body, sitting myself on top of him.  Without further permission, I reach for his penis and guide him back into my body.  Unable to take it  slowly, I immediately find our tempo again and rock hastily above him, holding him tightly in my body with each thrust.  He appears to be at the edge too….his facial expressions telling me his ride is about to come to an end at any moment.  When I reach back and place my hands on his upper thighs, I jut my hips forward until I feel our bodies go numb with ecstasy.

That moment quickly rises to that point and I close my eyes in anticipation….beyond ready for that sweet explosion we both have worked hard to achieve.  My ears begin to ring and my body tingles in preparation for the big moment.

My eyes blink heavily as I feel myself falling….my body moving quicker and quicker along his muscled form.  My nails dig into the skin above his thighs as his legs twitch and jerk from the feelings that I might be bringing to him.  I dip my head back and wait for the release when a loud chime sounds out throughout the room.  Instantly, my hips stop as I sit up and look around before looking back down at John.

“You have got to be kidding me.”  I hear him grunt but his hips continue to thrust up into my body.  As much as I want to continue, I can’t as my concentration is now gone….my release now a distant memory.

“Is that the doorbell?”  I sound confused….I must look it too.

“This is your house….you tell me?  He is edgy….I can understand why.  “If it is….ignore it.  Come on.”  He tries to touch my breasts, my waist, my hips….but I don’t budge. “Marlena.”

“John, no….wait.”  The doorbell sounds off yet again and we both look at each other.

“Ignore it.”  He grabs my waist roughly but I push his hands away.

“You know your son will be up within seconds…”  I begin to climb off when I hear my 3 year olds squeal…a mixture of panic and a tired cry.  “There you go….”

“Oh Jesus….Come on.”

“Jesus has nothing to do with this…..go get your son while I go tend to whoever is outside my door.” Reaching for my robe, I throw it over my body and smile back at John who is clearly agitated.  “You were great by the way.”   I wink my eye at him before opening the door and rushing into the hallway, assuring my son that Daddy is coming while skipping down the stairway.

Smoothing my hair down quickly, I reach for the doorknob and pull open the door, stopping dead in my tracks and freezing in the doorway.

“I was hoping to catch you before you left for work….Good Morning.”

Part 2

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as I stare at my visitor and then quickly glance behind me to see if anyone is there.  I reach for the lapels on my robe and pull them closer together, covering my chest even more then it already is, because I feel even more naked, if that is possible.  I force a smile and mumble a few words, before smoothing my hair down again and tucking a few pieces behind my ear.

“Samuel, hi.  What are you doing here so early?”

He smiles happily as he holds up a small paper bag and a coffee.  “I brought by some breakfast, I thought I would be a good way to start the day.  You must be running behind…I thought you would be dressed and out the door already.”  He laughs as I shift uncomfortably in the door way and give a small fake giggle before shaking my head.

“I am running late.  Thank you for the breakfast Sam but I really truly need to run…I lost track of the time.”  I am doing my best to get rid of him as quickly as possible, the last thing I need is for him to see John or for John to see him.

“I’m sorry…I don’t want to hold you up.  Well here….this is for you then.”  He hands me both the bag and cup of coffee as I hesitantly take it while still checking to see if my robe is still intact.  “Maybe we can catch up later, have some dinner.”

“Yeah sure…I will call you later this afternoon to discuss.”  I will agree to anything just to get him off my doorstep at this very moment.

“Great….I look forward to that.”  I give a smirk when he claps his hands with joy, something my 3 year old son would do.  “Well I guess I will let you go and get ready.”

“Thank you, thank you…yes, I need to do that quickly.”  I notice he starts looking around the foyer without being too obvious when I glance up at him.  “Something wrong?”

He shrugs and smiles softly when he finally looks back at me.  “No, just being observant is all.”

I narrow my eyes at him and stare at him suspiciously.  “Oh, well it’s not like you haven’t seen the place before.”  I laugh and adjust the items in my hands.  “Thank you for this….I’ll call you later.”  Just as I am about to close the door, he holds his hand out and stops me from moving, before bringing his hand to his mouth.

“I was going to ask you Marlena…who’s car is in the driveway?  Did you get a new car?”  My heart immediately stops and I don’t know if my reaction was noticed, but I do my best to cover it up the best way I know how….by laughing.

“Oh, I forgot about that….silly me.”  I pretend to look out and at the car but in reality, I know who’s car is sitting there.  He smiles along with me but his face is showing signs of concern.

“So, who does it belong to? Doesn’t seem like a kind of car you would drive.”

“You don’t see me in the new sleek Jaguar huh?”  He laughs and fidgets with his coat pockets.

“No, no…its not that.  It just looks more like a guys car but hey…if it’s yours…I dig it.”

“Well….”

“Go ahead Doc and tell him who the car belongs to.”  I stop and immediately turn around to find John standing at the top of the stairway, dressed in only his boxer briefs, holding our still very tired son in his arms.

I literally am speechless as I stare at John, clutching my robe and dreading to turn back towards Samuel.  Of course, I am hoping he turns and walks away from me but I’m not as fortunate to be granted such wishes. I slowly turn my head towards him, hanging it low, almost afraid to even look into his eyes.

I hesitate to raise my eyes to him but I eventually do and slowly. I wish there was a word to describe the face he is giving me.  It’s a combination of a variety of expressions all rolled into one. Anger, confusion, betrayal, disgust, maybe even hatred.  His mouth has dropped open, his eyes are clouded with confusion and continuously blinking, almost as if he is convincing himself that he is seeing things.

I, on the other hand, am too embarrassed and unable to find the perfect thing to say for a moment like this.  I’m also not sure who exactly to turn to and who I should focus my attention on.  There are three guys in this room, one that probably needs my attention more so than the other two.   I step up a bit to Sam, reaching out to Samuel and placing my hand on his wrist.

“Sam….”  He yanks his hand back from me as he stares coldly at me, watching me in disbelief.

“No need to explain…sometimes actions speak louder than words.”  He angrily spits out these words as he begins to turn away and step down my outside staircase.  I walk after him, hoping to stop him but to be honest, there really is nothing that I can say.

“Let him go.”  John’s voice is so deep and loud that I wonder if it affects Damian.  I ignore John and do what I feel the need to do….go after Samuel to apologize.

“Samuel, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  I don’t know what else to say to comfort him….I really never meant to hurt him this way. What is wrong with me…why do I keep doing this?

He stops walking and stands still for a second, before turning around and taking a step closer to me.  “I’m sure your didn’t.  I’m sure he forced himself in your bed for the night.”

“I really am sorry.”  I’m shocked I am not crying but I am sad about all this.

“You know what I am sorry for….I’m sorry I trusted you when my instincts told me not to.”  Through clenched teeth, those last words are spoken before he shuffles off to his car, leaving me standing outside in the chilled air, barefoot and practically nude with the thin silk robe hugging my body.

Like an abandoned puppy, I walk back in the house slowly, somberly and feeling quite guilty about the whole situation.  I should have never lied to him, I should have explained what was really happening or at least discuss some of my feelings about how I felt for John when he left.  It’s funny because I am not concerned about facing John or dealing with his accusations or questions….I honestly could go right back to bed and shut out the world for another few hours but I know that is not realistic.

I barely close the front door when John is in front of me, looking at me closely, staring at me with those piercing blue eyes.  “So what did he want?”

I put my hand on his chest gently and move him out of my way. “John, please….not now.”

“No, I want to discuss this.”

“Well I don’t.”

“I want to know why that man came to your front door so early in the damn morning?”  Why is he shouting already?

“Keep your voice down….I don’t want you to scare the baby.”  He looks over to Damian who is sitting quietly on the couch with his blanket and his sippy cup while watching some cartoon.  My poor child looks sleepier than he did 10 minutes ago.  I start to walk over to him but John blocks my move and stands in front of me, reaching out and grabbing my upper arms.

“Why did you go after him?”  I sigh and shake my head…I don’t even know how to answer that.

“Because I felt bad….that’s why.” I try to move around him but he blocks each step.  “John, stop it.”

“So let me get this straight….you jump off of me, run to the door….see your friend and chase after him…..minutes after you were making love to me?  Do I have that right?”

“John, why do you make things sound so crude?  It’s not like that and you know it.”  He is doing a really good job of upsetting me.

“All I know for sure is that you were on top of me, letting me touch you in every way possible and then you run off to chase another man.  That about sums it up.”

I smile and shake my head, looking over his shoulder towards Damian.  “Get dressed and get out of my house.  I need to tend to my sleepy child if you don’t mind.”

“I do mind…..I want you to tell me the truth.”

“There is nothing to tell John.  I felt bad….plain and simple.  Now please….I’m sorry about this morning….I’m sorry the situation has gotten out of hand…but I really need you to get dressed and leave.”

He runs his fingers through his hair and paces the family room before stopping in front of me and looking me over.  “So that’s it huh?  Thank you John, you’ve done more then enough…your services are no longer needed.”

I stare at him angrily because I do not like what he is implying.  “You’re a son of a bitch.  How dare you accuse me of being that way.”

“Well you sure are acting like it.”

“I’m sorry if I am not in the mood to rip off my clothing and jump back on you….I do have other priorities that do not include being intimately attached to you throughout the day.”

He stares at me for what seems like an eternity before he laughs at himself and cracks his knuckles when he makes a fist.  “Fine….I’m gone.”

I let him walk off and walk over to my son who is practically sleeping along the couch.  Picking him up, I kiss his head and sway him in my arms as he tries to focus on the TV, his eyes increasingly getting heavier by the second.  Within moments, Damian is knocked out and John is rumbling down the steps from the bedroom.  He barely has his belt buckled when he looks over at me and Damian and shakes his head.

“Its funny how you can go after him but you won’t do a damn thing to come and find me.”

“I chased you days ago at a restaurant…or did you forget?”

He gives a sarcastic smirk and nods his head while  securing the clasp on his watch. “Thanks for evening Marlena….Oh and this morning too.  You were great by the way.”  Winking his eye, he mimics the exact words I said to him not that long ago before I left the room to answer the door.

“I absolutely despise you.”  I officially could cry now….only John has that power to do that to me without even really trying.  He just loves being an ass to me.

“Funny, because it didn’t seem that way 30 minutes ago.”  Walking up to his son, he places a kiss on his head and mumbles he loves him.  Looking at me, he uses his hand to do a mini salute and nods his head. “See ya around Doc.”

Its funny how things turn out….its cute how one minute you can be laughing, squirming, kissing, love making…and then the next minute, you’re at each others throats….all at the hands of one single person.  It’s funny how in the end, I am standing alone in my own home…when just moments ago I had two men begging for my attention and my love.

Leaning down to kiss my son, we make our way back upstairs and to my bedroom where I place his sleeping form along the bed that housed his father and I not that long ago.  I run my finger down his chubby face and I make myself a promise.  I promise to shower him with as much attention as I can possibly give because he is the one man that I refuse to let down.

X.

You ever notice how the days go by so slow when you haven’t heard from specific people in your life.  You always put on this brave face that your life is perfect without them, that you know how to get by without being near them or that your life is easier when they are not around.  Yes, those are all lies….lies we tell ourselves to help encourage our damaged egos and heal our bruised feelings.  You try to convince yourself that life goes on and they are just another chapter in your book…another bump in your road…another lesson learned along your journey.  But then when you are done convincing yourself of foolish defenses, you realize you are very much alone in that lonely world you’ve built for yourself.

It’s been three whole weeks alone….3 weeks of just me and my work…3 weeks of wondering what either John and Samuel could be doing?  Its 3 weeks of driving myself insane wondering what I could have done to prevent this from all happening.  Maybe I could have been honest, maybe I could have stopped John from being his usual seductive self and trying to get me to cave in to him…..perhaps I could have sat Samuel down and told him how I truly felt.  Well, none of that matters now because neither of them have bothered to pick up the phone and call me…text me….email me…visit me.  I guess I don’t expect them too, especially with what has happened.

I’m shocked John hasn’t tried to come over and make amends with me.  I guess I don’t deserve it but still….its unlike him.  He has changed quite a bit since he left to Europe for those three months…..which he has yet to tell me about.  I might not even care anymore….but I also remember him saying this could affect Damian.  And he was about to tell me when she called.  I wonder who is she?  Could she be someone in his life?  Nah, I doubt it….when would he have time to see her, spend time with her?  Well, wait….she could be someone he simply sees every now and then.

I can’t think about this….not now….I’m going insane with too many ideas running around in my head.

I tap my pen anxiously against my file as I sit and wonder about so many things that have nothing to do with work.  Tossing the pen on the desk, I reach for the mouse and close out a couple files on the computer before glancing at the time in the lower corner of the screen.  4pm.  John is supposed to drop Damian off from their daily excursion to the zoo….but he has been pretty good about solely dropping Damian off at the door and nothing more than that.  He barely acknowledges me.  I have no idea why that bothers me….that is what I wanted.

A knock at the door puts a pause on my thoughts as I glance up at the door and narrow my eyes, wondering who could be stopping by at this time.  My appointments are done for the day and I sent Kelly home for the day….our day finished quite early today.  Standing up, I smooth out the creases in my suit jacket and walk over to the door, pulling it open.

“Hi….I’m sorry if I am intruding….I didn’t see your assistant so I took a chance and hoped you were available.”

My mouth has yet to close from shock.  “Um, no you’re fine…you’re timing is perfect actually.  Please, come in.”  I stand back and open the door wider, allowing my visitor to walk in and make himself comfortable.  Closing the door behind us, I ball my hands in front of me and play with my fingers in nervousness, wondering why he is here….why now…and what for.  He has his back to me…his hands in his coat pocket….standing tall and unaffected.  He turns towards me and smiles softly, both of us silent and not knowing what to say.

“Thank you for seeing me.  I actually wanted to talk to you….I needed to get some things off my chest.”

I look at him and then down at the carpet, blinking quickly before mumbling a simple ‘Okay’.  “Do you want to sit down?”

“Yeah, sure.”  He begins to remove his coat, throwing it over the edge of the couch before sitting down and fidgeting with my couch pillows.  I hesitate for a moment but finally walk past him and sit at the very end of the couch, crossing my legs and turning towards him, hands folded tightly in my lap.  He looks at me and smiles lovingly….I had forgotten what that smile looked like.  “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good….busy with work but good.  How about yourself?”

“Pretty busy….but that’s a good thing right?”  He laughs softly as I smile, nodding my head in agreement.  It’s always awkward when you try and make a conversation with someone after a long break….there is so much tension afterwards that most of the conversation is either silence or walking on eggshells.

“So what do I owe for the pleasure of this visit?”  I’m curious why he is here, sitting in my office…after all these weeks have passed without one word to me.

“Well, I uh….”  He scratches the back of his neck a bit before leaning forward and resting his elbow on his knees.  He turns his face towards me and raises his eyebrows.  “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

I am taken back by his comment….it’s quite shocking actually.  “Really?”

“Yes.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotions in the past few weeks and I can’t say I am completely at ease with what has happened….but I have missed us…our conversations…our dinners….I’ve missed you.”

I dip my head down and smile.  “Thank you. I’ve missed our times together too.”  I play with the pillow in my hands and put it aside so that  I can focus on the conversation.  “Samuel, I need to apologize about that day.”

“No, don’t…..it is what it is.”

“No please….I really need to.  Whatever happened had nothing to do with you.  I never wanted to hurt you that way….I never intentionally tried to play games behind your back….it was nothing like that at all.”

“Was it going on for a long time?”  He looks almost as if he is scared to hear the truth.

“No….no not at all.  It’s hard to explain the situation between John and I.”

“What?  You can control yourselves when you are around each other?”

“No, it’s not that.  John and I have always had a tricky relationship….a turbulent past that I am not proud of and a reputation I rather not get into.  I just want you to know that I wasn’t sneaking around behind your back throughout our…” I’m stuck…I’m hesitating to find the right word.

“Relationship.”

“Companionship.”

He nods his head and brings his hands to his mouth, breathing silently into his palms.

“This didn’t start until recently….It started completely out of nowhere.”

He stops for a moment to think….closing his eyes and breathing in deep.  “Is it still going on?”

I answer way too quick.  “No, no it is not.  It’s over.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I am.”  I nod my head and look away, hoping to calm the emotions that are trying to break free right now.  “John and I are better parents than actual friends or lovers….and parents is all we can be now….nothing more.”

“I don’t really want to know the details but when did this start?”  I close my eyes and shake my head slowly, not really wanting to explain the story…not really wanting to express the truth.

“Not that long ago.”

“How long ago?”  When I don’t answer….he reaches out and touches my hand.  “It’s okay….I really want to know.”

I shake my head, upset that I am most likely hurting his ego right now.  “4 Months ago.”

He moves his hand back and sighs, dropping his head and fidgeting with his fingers.  “So you have been sleeping with him for that long?”

“No, no…You misunderstood me.”  I shift closer to him as I reach out and touch his arm.  “This happened right before he left to Europe….and then he was gone for those three months.”

“The night I was over at your house and he stopped by?”  He looks at me for confirmation but you can see it in his eyes, he already knows.

“Yes.”

“As soon as I left?”

“Not immediately after no.”  He shakes his head and at me and turns his face away.

“Why?”

“I don’t know why….I don’t have an answer for you that would make sense of it all.”  I breathe deeply, trying to find the right thing to say.  “I was scared….scared that he was leaving…scared of not knowing what was happening and why he was leaving his son for so long.”

“So the right thing to do is to sleep with him…makes sense.”  He bites his lip to stop what I assume would be angrier words from slipping past his lips.   “What happened to not making love in the house when your son was home?”

I smile and shake my head….he just doesn’t get it nor was he paying attention to me.  “You weren’t listening to me clearly that night, were you?  I said I would not make love to another man in my home, while my son is upstairs sleeping.”

“So it’s okay for John.”

“You don’t get it do you?”  I adjust my back against the cushions of the couch and arch my neck, trying to release the pressure that is building there.  “John is my son’s father.  He is not some stranger….he is not some man that I just brought over….this is Damian’s daddy.”

“So that makes it alright.”

“In some way shape or form….it did for me at that time.”

“So you must have fell back in love?”

“I wouldn’t say that…why would you assume so?”  I look at him carefully, wondering how he came up with that idea.

“Just a feeling…wow.”   He smiles and cracks his knuckles.  “This explains why.”

“I’m sorry.”  I’m confused as to what he meant by that.

“By your reaction that night at the restaurant after seeing him there.  You literally went after him like a bat out of hell….you pushed people out the way just to get to him.”

“That had nothing to do with what has been going on.”

“It had something to do with your feelings though.  I saw the way you looked at him….I saw the way he affected you.  And I noticed something else too….you could never and would never….look at me the way you did that night with him.”

I stay quiet because I don’t know what to actually say….anything else will sound like an excuse.  He is so right…I could never look at someone else the way I do John.  I hate to admit that but it is so true.   I can’t even speak…I don’t know what to say.  I simply reach out and rub his arm, hoping that’s enough  comfort…that’s all that I can give.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Relief is not something I would use to describe my meeting with Samuel.  I would not even call it comforting on any level.  I think closure is a better word to describe our conversation…at least in my opinion it was.  After our discussion, I expected him to walk out the door, forget I ever existed and move on with his life.  So imagine my shock when he stood up from the couch, waited for me to rise and pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly as if I would slip away.

‘I don’t want to lose you…I can’t say goodbye to you.’  I still remember how desperately he said those words.  I recall being thrown off, almost scared to hug him back.  Why didn’t he leave me when he had the chance?  I’m no good for him…I’m poison…I truly am.  Everything I touch, I break.  I compare everyone and anyone to John, that is my first mistake.  My second mistake is falling back into John’s arms when I’m unhappy…even if I tell myself that I am happy and physically am showing it….deep down inside, I’m not.  John has always been my lifeline….the one I run to when things aren’t going right in my life.  The person I cling to when I need to fall in someone’s arms.  I’m not happy about that but that is how I’ve always been….I hope to change one day but well….let’s just take that one day at a time.

Samuel wanted to make things right between us and take me out to clear the air and to basically ‘start over’.  I should have ended this game when I had the chance but I was too worried about his feelings….maybe too selfish to say goodbye and walk away.  I have a problem and I really need to learn to stop leading people on for my benefit.

I turned down the idea of dinner because I really wasn’t feeling up to dressing up and going out to a fancy restaurant.  I turned down the idea of him coming over to my house or me going to his…well because I didn’t want him to get any other ideas either with this ‘starting over’ period.  All rules apply….everything I felt before still remains the same.  So instead of dressing up and going out or staying in, he decided to take me to see a movie.  I figured a movie couldn’t be a bad idea and even though there is really nothing out there that I want to see….just getting out the house might be good enough for me.  So I accepted and told him that I would meet him there at 8….only because I had to drop Damian off and the movie theater was on my way.  I’ll make any excuse not to have a moment alone with Samuel at my house these days.

My timing was in fact quite early after dropping Damian off with Belle, so I thought I would stop around Salem Place to kill some time.  Checking my watch, I figured I could do a little shopping for Damian or maybe even myself, before having to meet up with Samuel.  Buttoning up my coat a bit more, I began walking around aimlessly, not really knowing what to shop for but hoping something would catch my eye in the windows.  It didn’t take long for me to find something adorable for my child, and it certainly wasn’t only one thing that was bought either.  The joys of parenthood….when you shop for yourself only to come back home with bags that have nothing to do with you….and the sad part is….you couldn’t be more excited.  With one item here and another item there, the bags began to pile up….more than I had expected them too.

I figured I had enough time to go back to the car, drop off the items in the trunk and head back to the theater just in time to meet Sam.  After unloading all bags into my car, I quickly activated the alarm and made my way back to the mall.  To be honest, I was pretty excited about going to the movies and even though I had not a clue what we would see, I appreciated the distraction and the invite.

I quietly made my way through a crowd of people as I weaved in and out of the way of others who were walking in my direction.  I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket so I reached for it as I made my way through the Cafe area….nearing the theater.  I figured Samuel must be calling since it is near that time we are supposed to meet.  I now understand the reason they banned texting while driving…. because you literally completely lose focus as to what you are doing.  That pretty much explains why I clumsily bumped into this tall somewhat young brunette, almost knocking her cup off coffee onto her beige jacket.  Completely horrified, I apologize repeatedly for my carelessness and check to see if I have caused any spills on her coat.  She smiles warmly, and is completely understanding as she reaches a hand out to touch my arm, reassuring me that all is fine.

“Oh my….I am so very sorry.  I can’t believe I wasn’t paying attention.”  I keep touching my head, frazzled that I bumped into her so hard.

She laughs as she swishes her long layered hair from her shoulder to behind her back, tugging some hair behind her hair.  “It really is alright…no damage done.  Everyone has their moments….phones are the devil…aren’t they?”

“Yes, they are.”  I laugh as I put my phone back in my pocket and adjust my purse on my shoulder.  “Are you sure I didn’t spill anything on you.”

She looks down and searches her jacket, raising her head back up and offering a forgiving smile.  “Nope, I’m all good.  And even if you did….it’s not the end of the world.  That’s why we have dry cleaners….they work miracles.”  We both laugh as she sips her coffee and looks around really quick while I reach up and move the bangs from my eyes.

She really is a beautiful girl….her features are striking and youthful….her hair long and perfectly coiffed, giving a nice contract against her beige coat.  “Once again, I am sorry about that. Have a great night.”  She smiles happily as she mumbles you as well.  I begin to walk away when I hear her laugh and say ‘There you are’ to someone she must have been looking for when I bumped into her.  I don’t bother turning around and continue to make my way until I hear a familiar laugh…a laugh I know much too well.  I slowly turn to look back and see a tall figure standing in front of her….his back to me.  Dressed in dark jeans and Black peacoat, I hear his voice as he says her name.  ‘Kim’.

My heart begins to pound at the very thought of what my mind is assuming….what my intuition is suggesting.  I want to walk back over just so that I can confirm what my gut is already telling me, but at the same time I am too scared to even move an inch their way.  And I don’t need to….because they seem to be making their way in my direction.  I quickly turn my head and start to walk away but someone reaches out and grabs my arm.

“Samuel..”

“Hey you….I was just about to head over and meet you at the theater.”

I force a smile and rub his arm, doing everything in my power to distract myself from turning back and looking in the other direction. “Well lucky me, now we can walk there together.”

“Great….you look fabulous by the way.”  I giggle awkwardly as I look down at myself then back at him.

“Please, it’s just a peacoat and jeans.”

“Nevertheless….fabulous.”  He reaches in and touches my face, leaning closely and touching my lips very softly with his.  I close my eyes at the thought of his public affection…..not really wanting it but not wanting to pull back and make a scene.  When I pull away from his kiss, he smiles….still touching my cheek affectionately.  “You ready to head to the movies.”

“Yes, please…let’s do that.”  Turning away quickly, we both begin to walk when we bump right back into the brunette and the man who has met up with her.

“Oh my God…I’m sorry.”  She quickly apologizes and looks at me, only to laugh while touching my arm in a sweet gesture.  “Oh it’s you again….we must have a connection.”  I look at her and then at her date as I keep my face stiff….my eyes penetrating on him.

“Yes we must….definitely a connection.”

His face is frozen, his eyes looking between me, Samuel, and the girl standing next to him.  “Marlena.”

“John….how are you?”  He looks from me to Samuel….as he bites his lip and reaches his hand out to shake Samuel’s hand.

“Samuel…good to see you.”

Samuel….who really isn’t showing fondness about bumping into John….hesitantly reaches out and takes John hand.  “Likewise.”

The tall brunette looks between John and I as she motions with her hand back and forth.  “Do you know each other.”

Smilingly, I turn to her and nod my head.  “Yes….unfortunately we do.”  John narrows his eyes at me as he stands quietly next to her, placing his hands in his coat pockets.

“Kim, this is my ex wife….Marlena.”

“Oh wow….what a small world.”  She reaches out and shakes my hand, smiling cheerfully while looking between Sam and I.  “It is very nice to meet you….officially.”

“Officially?”  John looks at her awkwardly as she nods her head and laughs.

“Yes, we bumped into each other accidentally a few minutes ago…phones can be dangerous.”  She giggles as she stares up at John, while he gives a small smirk and looks at me, watching me closely.

“Oh I see.”

“I’m so sorry…how rude of me.  I’m Kim and you must be her?”  She reaches out and shakes Sam’s hand as she waits for him to answer her question.  I prepare to speak up but am cut off by John’s deep voice.

“Her friend.”

“Her date.”  Samuel corrects him as he introduces himself while matching her smile.  “And you must be John’s date his well?”

“I’m his girlfriend actually.”

I’m not sure if my mouth drops or not but I do know I crane my head to the side as I glare at John, waiting to see his reaction.  “Oh girlfriend…really?”

His jaw tenses as he breathes in deeply while turning his head from me and looking around him only to turn back towards her.

“Yes, we’ve been dating for awhile now….what’s it been like…a year and half now….I think.”

I nearly explode from shock as my head turns from her to John as she continues to talk….not really sure about what but I do know that she is talking.  I can feel my blood pressure boiling as the area around me begins to get fuzzy….everyone else around Salem Place begins to fade out except for us four.  I cannot believe what I just heard and I’m not even sure I heard correctly.  I clear my throat and fold my arms across my chest, watching John closely.

“So you’ve dated for a year and a half you say?”  I keep my eyes focused on John, watching him shift uncomfortably.

“Yes, just about.”  She is clueless as to what is actually happening in our little circle we have formed.  I think Samuel has an idea but doesn’t bother to get involved in the eye game John and I are playing.

“Oh how sweet.”  I literally want to step up to him and slap him in the face.  I cannot believe he lied to me….I cannot believe he has been playing me all along.

“Marlena, sweetheart….if we don’t want to miss the movie…we have to get going.”  Samuel has stepped up closely to my ear while placing his hand on my lower back.  I notice John’s face as he tenses while watching Samuel touch me and his lips coming close to my ear.   “Yes, well it was nice meeting you Kim and I am sure I will be seeing you around.”  Samuel shakes her hand once more as he motions for me to stat walking.

“It was nice meeting you Kim….We have to run.  If you’ll excuse me…”  I smile at her but quickly drop my smile for John as I stare at him for a second and roll my eyes while walking away.

As I’m walking away…I hear John quickly say ‘Give me a second’ as I hurry my pace through the crowd.  I immediately know who has my arm when I am stopped mid step, preventing me from moving further with Samuel.  “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

“No, we cannot.”  I try to turn away but he pulls my arm as I bite my lip in anger and turn back towards him, glaring at his hand on my arm.

“I think you need to let her go.”  Samuel steps up but I hold my hand up and on his chest.

John’s eyes rise towards him as his jawbone protrudes even more, his nostrils flaring and his eyes squinting which is usually signs that is he ready to attack.

“And I think you need to back off….now.”

XI.

I am not one to breakdown in the middle of a crowded street and fall to pieces when something in my life doesn’t go as planned.  In fact, I can’t say that I love to make scenes and show the world exactly the chaos that goes in our lives.  I always believed that should remain private and not up for others to place judgement on.  I’m a private person, I believe in keeping things low key because I feel that it should no one else’s business except for the ones who are involved in it.   John, on the other hand, is a completely different soul who will stop at nothing to make his point or get what he wants.  So I can’t say I am shocked that he is about to tear into Samuel right here in the middle of Salem Place, with countless innocent young children running around the area.

When he is usually this angry, no one can break through to him, not even me or the kids.  I know at this point, me trying to calm him down would be pointless, especially with all that has just happened.  He knows I am upset, he also knows that I have lost whatever trust I gained with him, has completely vanished.   He knows me too well….he knows that if I place a tender hand along his chest and try and sooth him with my softest of voices, I am only fooling him because I don’t back down or take things lightly…especially when such explosive things have been put out onto the table.

I quietly try to remove my arm from his hold but he only pulls tighter, forcing me closer to his body and further away from Samuel….who is wondering exactly what to do.  I don’t blame Samuel….I’m sure he is completely torn and at the same time, most likely does not want to be involved in this dispute.  But he also probably feels he should not walk away from me and leave me standing there alone, at least not without my permission.

I manage to turn my arm a bit and loosen John’s hold.  I step closer to John and near his face so that I don’t have to shout and make a scene more then we already are doing.  “Let me go now….I will talk to you but don’t grab me….please.”

He looks down at me and lifts his eyes at Samuel, watching him closely to see what his next move is.  When Samuel steps back a bit, John looks down at me and releases me arm, dropping his hands to his side and waiting for my next move.  I eye him coldly before turning back to Samuel and slightly stepping closer his way.  Placing a hand on his arm, I explain that  he should go ahead and I will meet up with him.

“No, no…I’ll stay and wait.”  He looks at John and smiles….almost as if he his challenging him.

“Samuel, no….please it will only make matters worse.  Go ahead…I will be fine.  I need to talk to John alone….I’ll catch up.”

“I don’t trust him alone with you.”  He looks worried as if John would do something to me.  I smile at his concern and rub his arm tenderly, almost as if I were soothing him in someway.

“You don’t trust me?”  John speaks up as he steps closer but I turn and place a hand on John’s chest, stopping him from moving forward and closer to Sam.   “What’s the matter Sam….you think I am going to hurt her? Is that it?  And what are you going to do about it?”  I completely turn towards John and start pushing at his chest and guiding him further back.

“Stop it….you need to stop this now.”

“Then you should talk to the little one over there about flapping his tongue when he knows nothing about me.”

“He was only concerned.”  I’m trying my best to keep my voice down even though we have already caught the attention of a few spectators.  “Leave him be.”

“Are you protecting him now?”  He snaps at me as he looks down, glaring at me with his icy blue eyes.

“I am trying to protect my reputation is all.  Now stop it.”  He turns his face away and steps back, tossing his hands up in the air in defeat.  I watch him for a moment before turning back to Samuel and telling him that it’s fine.  “We’re good….you can go…I’ll meet you there, okay?”  He seems so unsure but I can’t risk having him stick around which will most likely lead into a fight.  “Honestly, I’m fine…go on ahead.”  I put on the best smile and wait for him to make a move.  He only nods, smirking at John and then at me, before turning away and walking off and away from both John and I.

Once he is a safe distance away do I turn around and look at John, unsure of what to say but knowing that anything that I need to voice, will not be kind.   He drops his gaze and looks down at his shoes, fidgeting with his hands and then eventually turning to look behind him.

“Why don’t you go back to her….I have somewhere to be.”  He stops and looks to me, smiling.

“I need to talk to you.”

“No, we really have nothing to talk about.  I know all there is to know now.”

“Wait….hold on, hold on….let me explain.”  He holds his hands up and attempts to reach out and hold me but I step back, crossing my arms in front of me and shaking my head slowly.

“Oh now you want to explain?  Where was this explanation months ago?”

“I’m sorry…I should have said something.”

I cut him off.  “But you didn’t….it was convenient enough not to say anything.”

“I wasn’t trying to deceive you Marlena?”

I laugh and dip my head back, trying to maintain my sanity and not snap at him in the middle of this mall.  “Oh John…really? What were you trying to do then?”

“I….I’m not sure….”  He keeps stuttering as he fights with himself  to find the best suitable explanation.

“You’re disgusting.”

“I’m disgusting?  Wait…let me get this right?  If I recall correctly, you came after me?  You fell into my lap….your mouth found mine…not the other way around.  In fact, you begged me to stay the night with you…so how does that make me disgusting?  I attempted several times to pull away from you that night?”

“Maybe if you had been up front with me from the beginning, I would have never tried anything with you.  But you didn’t stop me that night….you went along with every single thing I did.  You made sure that once wasn’t enough either….so where was loyalty that night John?”

“You know I can’t say no to you.”

“You can’t say no to any woman…that’s the problem.”  I turn to walk away but he grabs me once more and pulls me back to him.  “Let go of me….you’re making a scene.”  Pushing his hands off me, I adjust my coat as he tries to grab at me again.

“Don’t you walk away from me.”

“I’m not yours anymore…I don’t belong to you…and I don’t need to stick around for this.”

“You never were mine.”  A knot begins to build in my throat as I stare at him awkwardly, not sure of what he is implying.

“Excuse me?”

“You never belonged to me….you were always someone elses and when you weren’t….you were always drifting away from me.”

“What in hell are you talking about?  I was always loyal to you.”

“Let’s not go there.”

“How dare you fucking turn this around on me when the reason we are standing here having this conversation…is all because you lied.  All because you wanted to have your cake and eat it too.”

“Is everything okay?  I hope I’m not disturbing?”  We both stop and look at Kim, who is now staring at us awkwardly….looking between both of us suspiciously.

“Everything is fine….I’ll meet up with you in a second.”  John smiles but never takes his eyes off me when he is talking to her.

“No, everything is not fine.  I have somewhere to be and you are preventing me from getting there.”  I try once more to step back but John reaches out…only to pause and stand still for a moment…looking towards Kim.  I smile and clap my hands together.  “It looks like we are good here…have a fun night you too.”

I pray that I can make a quick getaway, that John won’t come racing behind me and pull me aside again to start another fight.  I truly don’t want to speak to him because all it will be is a blame game.  I will tell him he is in the wrong but somehow I am fault because I seduced him….when I knew nothing about him and her.

I truly cannot deal with this right now nor do I want to.  I have another man waiting for me…one who wants to spend his time with me and one who can appreciate me.  I’ll do my best for now to clear John from my thoughts….if only for an hour…maybe even two.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

9:00pm.  My kid should most likely be asleep which means I most likely will deal with a cranky child on the way home from Belle’s.  I pull my coat closer to my body as I step out the car and close the door quietly.  The night seemed to get chillier since earlier today which makes me wonder why I decided to wear such a light coat.  Grabbing all the bags out the trunk of my car, I manage to hold each and every one while activating my alarm and making my way to the front steps.

After saying goodbye to Samuel and thanking him for a not so awesome evening….I was leaving the theater and was about to head to pick up Damian when I remembered all of the bags I had in my car from my earlier shopping.  Knowing that there was no possible way to carry all of the bags and Damian at the same time, I decided to stop really quick at home and unload the gifts before leaving to pick up my son.   Yes, I like to believe it was easier for me to come home and drop off my things off rather than grab my items much later tonight or possibly tomorrow morning.

I manage to get the key in the lock and turn it quickly while holding all of the packages in my arms.  Quickly opening the door, I placed the items on the floor when I felt my body being shoved inside my house and a hand over my mouth, preventing me from screaming out.  Of course, I panic and my heart drops to my stomach….the fear of being raped and robbed not far from my thoughts at all.  I immediately think of my child and am grateful that he is not home at this time, not witnessing what just might happen if I don’t fight or take control.  I attempt to kick and hit but they wrap a strong arm around my whole body and pin me to them tightly as I continue to scream into their hand.

“Relax.  I’m not going to hurt you.”

My life flashes before my eyes and I feel as if I am completely done when they release me and step back from body.  As expected, I am afraid to turn around….I am afraid to even look and see who they are.  I only cry and shiver in fear….holding myself and waiting for what can possibly come next.  I should run…what kind of idiot doesn’t run….but what if that person has a gun.  “What do you want?  Money?  Jewelry?”

“Doc…turn around.”  I completely freeze, unsure of what is exactly happening here.  I could have swore that was John’s voice but the voice I heard earlier…was not his.  Carefully, I turn my head and look back behind me to find only John standing there, his hands at his side, his chest heaving, his eyes….pained.  “Money?  Jewelry?  Are you serious?  You were going to just throw that stuff at me?”

“You son of a bitch.”  I instantly run up to him and start hitting him repeatedly, watching him step back and trying to block my blows.  “How could you do this to me?”  I manage to hit him in several areas as he turns away from me, giving me access to throw full blows at his back.  “Why would you do that?”

“Doc, I’m sorry…I needed to speak to you.”

“So by grabbing me and holding my mouth after sneaking behind me when I am all alone in my house…is a way to talk to me?”  My hands swipe at him again as he flinches from touch, ducking his head away with each hit that I give.

“How cold you not know it was me?  I was talking to you when I grabbed you?”

“You bastard….you held my mouth forcefully and pinned me to you…I couldn’t see you.  Don’t you ever do that to me again.”  I hold my chest as I fight to take deep breaths….the shock of almost being robbed finally hitting me.  My breaths get shorter as I start heaving for air….holding my chest with both hands as I find a step and sit along my staircase, forcing my head down in between my legs.  I feel John hover over me in panic as he squats and tries to assist me, touching me here and there to make me calm down.  Shoving him away, I continue to fight for air as I concentrate on my breathing, trying to inhale deeply and breathe out slowly.

“Doc, Oh my God…I am so sorry.  Breathe sweetheart.”  His voice sounds worried….his hands are gentle as they are rubbing my back and sides while I sit along the staircase, my head down and my breathing beginning to return to normal.  “I didn’t mean to do this to you.”

“John, please leave.”  I barely am able to speak but I manage to utter out those words.

“Honey, I’m sorry….I can’t leave you like this.”

“Just go.”  Whispers is all I can manage as I finally sit up and close my eyes, taking in deep breaths.   His fingers dance along my face as they caress my cheeks, in hopes that I would open my eyes and look at him.  When I do, his face is pale from shock, his eyes are wide with concern, and his voice is deeper than usual….a sign that he is scared.  “Why are you still here?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t believe you would do something like that.”  My voice is cracking, something that is pretty common after a panic attack.

“I feel horrible….I never meant to scare you that way.”  I look at him tiredly and shake my head sadly.

“How did you think I would react when I am in my house all alone?  I was thrown off guard…I was grabbed from behind and forced violently into my own home?  At which part did you think I would laugh it off and be okay?”

He touches my face again but I turn away and back away from his touch.  I can’t handle him or his touching right now.  “Marlena…I feel terrible.  I’m sorry.”  He sits next to me, hoping that I would I allow his affection but is instantly crushed when I stand up and walk slowly away from him.  “I wanted to finish our conversation from earlier.”

“I can’t talk to you right now.  I barely have enough energy to stand.”  I rub my head to sooth the pain that is beginning to build at my temples and lean down slowly to gather the bags off the floor.  He stands up and grabs at me from behind, stopping me from picking up what is on the floor and moving me out the way.  I don’t bother saying anything and simply watch him as he begins to collect the items off the floor and gathers all the bags in his hand.

“Where do you want these?”

“Just leave them there…I will take care of them later.  I need to grab Damian.”  I close my eyes and continue rubbing my head…the pounding becoming more brutal by the second.

“Where do you want these?”  He says each word slowly, waiting for me to respond.

“Upstairs in my room is fine.”

“Okay…I’ll be right back.  And I will get Damian…go sit down and relax.”  Before I can even argue…he has disappeared up the steps and out of my line of view.

When he returns, I am laying along the couch in the living room, my arm draped across my eyes and my body extremely very weak.  Any kind of attacks usually drain your energy and all you really can manage is to sleep to regain yourself.  My head is still throbbing, my mind is doing circles and my body is still jittery from earlier.

I only know that he is standing over me because I can sense his presence above me.  He asks me if I need anything to which I simply hum out my response…no.  I feel him get closer to which I assume he squats down next to me and runs his hand down my arm, asking if I am feeling alright.  I really am not in the mood to talk and just need this time to close my eyes and nap it off.

“Can you please just get Damian for me.”  Tiredly I turn my face away as I snuggle into the pillow of the couch.  Shortly after, I feel a blanket being tossed over me and then his footsteps follow along with the closing of a door.  I don’t remember what time I fell asleep or how long I had been out but I do know that I opened my eyes to a very bubbly little boy.

“Mommy….you sleeping?”  His smile is wide as he leans down and grabs my face with his clammy chubby hands, pursing his lips together and giving me a full blown wet kiss along my cheek.  “Wake up Mommy.”

“My baby…..why are you so wide awake?”  I manage to sit up slowly, rubbing my head and then my eyes before reaching for Damian and pulling him into my lap.

“Well…I think I can answer that.  It seems that our sweetest Belle not only allowed this little one here to have drinks he shouldn’t be touching….but she also offered him some candy that you probably wouldn’t approve of.”  I close my eyes in dread and shake my head slowly, bouncing Damian lightly in my lap.

“You have got to be kidding me right now.  Are you joking?”

John points at Damian in my lap as he bounces and laughs loudly while twirling my hair in his fingers.  “Does it look like I’m joking?”

“Oh God Belle…”  Huffing those words, I smile at my son and kiss his small nose while nuzzling his neck that makes him burst into a fit of giggles.  “I am going to shoot your sister.”  Lifting up off the couch, I put Damian on the ground and watch him run to his toys, throwing almost everything out his basket.  “Damian sweetie….don’t pull all those out.”  Of course, he ignores me and continues to toss toys over his shoulder, obviously in search for a particular toy.  “Well…nevermind. Thank you for picking him up for me….I appreciate it.”  I turn to John and wait for him to pick up the signs that he has overstayed his welcome.  “I am going to get this little one upstairs, bathe him and put him to bed.”

“Do you want me to help?”

“No, no…I’m good.  You’ve done more then enough today….thank you.”  I don’t mean for that to sound sarcastic but I assume he took it that way because he breathes in deeply and drops his gaze.

“I’m sorry about earlier….I never meant to scare you that way.”

“I’m fine….just don’t ever do that again.”

“I know we still have a lot to talk about….but I’m sure now isn’t the right time.”  He looks over at Damian as he shouts and jumps, over excited about finding his favorite toy of the hour.

“Actually I don’t have anything more to say about that.”

“I feel that we really should talk about it.”

I roll my eyes and close them, not really wanting to get into an argument right now.  “Look John, sometimes actions speak louder than words and I read your message loud and clear.  There is nothing more to say….you are with her…have been with her for quite sometime…and that’s all there is to it.”  I turn to check on Damian, making sure he is preoccupied with his toy before turning to walk away towards the kitchen.  “Stay here and watch him for a second.”

Pulling open the fridge, I begin searching for a bottle of water when I hear John’s footsteps along the floor.  “I thought I told you to watch Damian.”

“He’s fine…he is so into his toy right now.”  He is smiling but I find nothing amusing about him ignoring my request.

“That’s not the point.  Look, I’m tired….could we just not…do this right now.”  I begin to step forward but I can see he is back to his usual tactics of blocking my path.  Holding his hands out, he tries to stop me without actually touching me.

“Give me 2 minutes.”

“One.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Oh?  Dating someone for a year and half and me knowing nothing of it…is not what I think huh? Then what is it?”

“She isn’t someone serious.  She is just a girl I date from time to time.”  I smile and nod my head….placing my bottled water down on the small table sitting near the window pane doors.

“No, she is your girlfriend…of a year and half.”

“I’ve known her for that long.”

“Oh then why didn’t you correct her when she said that? Hmm?”  I wait for his response but when he doesn’t answer…I shake my head.  “Because you can’t….because you’re a liar….because you don’t have the balls to stand up to me or her.  You can’t tell me the truth and you won’t dare mess up your game with her.”  I snatch my bottled water off the table and try to move around him but he stops me.  “Stop touching me…you will never touch me again.”

“Calm down and hear me out.”

“No, your two minutes is up.  Out of my way.”

“Marlena….I was not playing games with you.  I just want you to know that.”

“No, you were just fucking me because of the thrill.”  He cringes when I say that and his jaw tenses.

“Don’t say that….don’t you dare put it that way.”

“Why? Am I lying?”

He leans forward and stares into my eyes.  “I was making love to you…I was never using you.”

I push at his chest to walk past him.  “Spare me….You think I don’t know you?  You’re the biggest womanizer out there….to think I married someone like you.”  Shaking my head, I continue to walk away when he grabs me and yanks me back towards him.  I slap at his hand and chest to get him to release my arm but he doesn’t, instead he takes the blows.

“Don’t touch me…I don’t want your hands on me or near me ever again.”

“Stop it please….let me explain.”

“No, there is nothing you can say that would justify what you did.  You used this situation to your convenience. Let me go.”  I begin to tear, the realization finally hitting me and breaking me down.

“Don’t cry…come here.”  He tries to pull me to his chest but I continue to fight him away.

“Leave me alone…leave.”  I’m shouting…not once thinking that Damian could hear and walk in the room at any moment.

Like a ton of bricks falling over us, we both forget about each other in our heated moment when we hear his small sob and the quiet pitiful plead….both of us turning and looking in the doorway.  “Mommy”  His eyes are flooded with big tears, his little mouth in a small pout as he purses his lips together even more…a cry finally coming out from his lips.  He shuts his eyes in fear and drops his head down, his little hands coming to his mouth.

“Damian baby…come here.”  Removing myself from John’s hold, I quickly walk up to Damian and gather him in my arms, holding his face in my neck while shushing him, telling him it’s alright.

“Mommy fight with Daddy.”  He is crying along my neck, clearly scared of what he saw.  No child should ever have to witness their parents in the middle of an argument.

“No baby….Mommy and Daddy weren’t fighting.  We were just playing….you don’t have to be scared.”  John begins to walk up to us as he rubs his son’s back gently.

“Hey there buddy…come here.  It’s okay….there is no fighting happening here.”  He pulls Damian from my arms as Damian goes to his father, throwing his arms around his neck and laying his head on his chest.

“Why yelling?”  Damian looks at me, his head still buried into John’s chest, most likely listening to the thumping of his heart.

“We were just excited…we were telling each other this scarey story.  Nothing for you to worry about my little prince.”  I reach in and squeeze his little button nose as he smiles and turns his face away into his father’s neck.

“Mommy…stop.”

“Okay little one….come with Mommy.  Let’s get ready for bed.”  He starts shaking his head and pulling on his Daddy’s neck.

“No, No…I not tired.  I wan stay with Daddy.”

“It’s bedtime Damian…you can see Daddy tomorrow.”

“I sleep with Daddy.”  I laugh at absurdity and reach for my son.

“No, you’re a big boy now remember….you will sleep in your own bed…by yourself.”  He shakes his head again and pulls on John, tightening his tiny legs against his waist.

“I stay with Daddy.”

“Damian Michael….Bedtime…now.”  I watch as he turns his face away, hiding himself in John’s neck.  John can see that I am getting frustrated and smiles softly, doing his infamous eyebrow lift and patting our son on his back.

“I guess I’m not leaving yet….Come on buddy…let’s go get you in a fun bubbly bath.  Would you like that?”

“Yeah.”  He sounds so cute the way he stresses out that word.

“Yeah is right…come on let’s go.”

“No…John…”

“Sorry no time…duty calls.”  Before I could even say another word…John and Damian are out of my sight and away from me.   Their voices and John’s loud footsteps can be heard along the staircase as Damian laughs all the way upstairs, leaving me fuming and wishing I would have kicked John out long before.

XII.

Since I was a little girl, I always looked up to my mother, idolizing her from time to time and wishing that I could be almost as good of a mother as she was.  I remember grabbing my baby dolls and rocking them gently, hushing them with silent kisses and gently placing plastic bottles to their plastic sealed mouths.  There was no greater joy then for me to pretend to be the perfect mother to my baby dolls, hoping that in time, I too could be just like that to my future children. It almost feels like that time was just yesterday…a simply blink of an eye.

I always wanted to be like my mother, I always did my best to give everything I could to my children as she had done with me so many times before.  I sadly never took the time to sit her down and explain how wonderfully she handled everything.  I guess I was too wrapped up in my own life to even think about her…which I now realize how wrong that is.  I never gave her enough credit….and it’s times like these that I wish I could send her the world right now.  Whenever times were tough, whether funds weren’t available…daddy was away….babies were sick…she managed to keep a straight face and hold everything together with a simple smile, hug and a kiss.  How I wish I could be that way.

My beautiful precious child sits along my lap, clinging to me for dear life as he lay his head along my chest, his nose bright red and stuffy….his forehead and cheeks…warm to the touch.  I’ve dealt with his fussiness for days and spent an entire night holding him and kissing him until he could somewhat sleep peacefully.  Unfortunately, there is nothing that can alleviate his pain from the virus he has caught…but oh how I wish there was.  I don’t like seeing my son as weak as he is…constant tears in his eyes and the intense need to keep poking at his ear until that tingle is replaced with pain from poking and probing his ear drum.  As of right now, we seem to have some success of keeping down liquids…since it’s been a whole hour without him tossing it right back up.

I have so many things to do today yet my life has come to a screeching halt because of my sick baby.  I have to review a few case loads and actually email some prospects but I can’t even begin to do that when Damian won’t let me move two steps from his reaching fingers.  I can only sit and rock him, with hopes that he will eventually fall asleep from the medicine I just gave him, and knock out for at least 2 hours.  Those 2 hours would be such a miracle for me right now.   Glancing down at my son, I notice his eyes are fluttering, but his hands are balled tightly, squeezing the material of my shirt.  If I try to remove his hand, he will wake….If I try to put him down, he will cry….If I just sit here and stare at the wall….nothing will come of it.  Sometimes, I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place….honestly.

I manage to reach for my laptop that is off to the side, and quickly turn it on, hoping to get some work done from this angle.  My phone begins to ring and I sigh, knowing that if I move…my little boy is going to wake up in a fit of tears.  I try and reach for the phone on the coffee table without disturbing Damian, managing to pull it to my ear without ever shifting my baby.

“Mama…Mama….Just the woman I was thinking about.”  I smile because sometimes it is so good to hear her voice.  There are times that I wish she lived in town with me…guiding me on the right path.  She always has the right answers…I need that.

“My pretty girl…how are you?”

“Oh I’m okay.”  I smile tiredly, looking down at Damian who seems to be resting comfortably.

“Just okay? Why, what’s wrong?”

“Oh just your grandson….he is sick.  Poor little thing can’t keep anything down…he has a fever…he is irritable.”  Touching his head, I make sure that his skin is cool as I rub lazy circles along his belly.

I hear her laugh and that makes me smile even more….God I have missed her.  “So, a typical child during illness?”

“Yes, no surprises here.  How are you?  How’s daddy?”  I’ve missed my father in so many ways as well….sometimes being a daddy’s girl never really fades.

“We’re good…both doing wonderful.  Your Daddy has taken up some interest when it comes to wood chop projects and busies himself now in the garage most of the time.”

“Oh gosh….are you joking?”

“Darling, I wish I were but I couldn’t even begin to joke about such a boring matter.”

“That is amazing….who would have thought Daddy would show interest in such activities.”

“Yes, well…back to my grandson…is he running a high fever?  Did you try giving him some of that herbal tea I used to give you?”  I laugh and look down at my poor weak child who seems to be so peaceful in my arms right now.

“Mama…I’m still not sure what you were thinking when you gave me herbal tea at 3 years old.”

“It worked didn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t know…I can’t remember that far back.”  I hear her laugh as she fidgets in the background with dishes, that I assume she is putting in cabinets.

“Well you liked it…and you have quite a fondness for it now.”

“This is true.  And no I have not given him that….its Pedialite all the way.  As for his fever, it’s okay right now…nothing to worry about.”

“Well you make sure you keep an eye on my precious little boy…Nana doesn’t want to hear about her baby being so sick.”  It really is true about grandparents…their love and concern go far beyond for their grandchildren than for what you had as a child.

“Gotcha Mama. No worries…I am taking good care of your precious little one.”

“Excellent…how’s John?”  I pause for a second and look around the room before back at Damian.  I’m not shocked she would ask about him but it’s been awhile since she has brought up his name to me.

“He’s fine, I guess.  We really don’t communicate as much unless we have to.”

“Hmm, I see.”  She sounds as if she doesn’t believe a word I just said.  I don’t really like that.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“What?”

“I don’t know…that just sounded so dismissive.”  I’m not trying to give her a hard time, I’m just trying to understand exactly why she made that comment.

“Please Marlena…don’t make assumptions.  All I said was I see.  I will say it’s hard to believe since you both have always been close…especially when it comes to your children.”

“Well things change.”  I stay quiet for second and clear my throat, toying with the baby hairs on Damian’s forehead.  “We remain civil for Damian but other than that….we have no other connections.”

“You haven’t tried to patch things up for your son?”

“No and why would we?  We clearly don’t work together…I don’t know…I just don’t think we are fit for one another.”  She has always been pro John and Marlena.  Regardless of the hard times we faced, she has always and will continue to be a strong supporter for John.  They formed a bond years ago that clearly can never be broken…even with divorce.

“After how many years?”

“Can we just stop talking about this Mama….please.  Besides, from what I hear, he is involved with someone else and I am seeing someone as well.”

“Oh, and who is this someone?”  She doesn’t seem interested….figures.

“He is just someone I’m dating, nothing serious.  I met him at work, we both are colleagues….his name is Samuel.”

“Do you like him?”  Talking to her is like talking to Damian….her focus is probably everywhere but this conversation I am having with her.

“I do…I enjoy his company….he is a wonderful man.”

“He sounds more like a wonderful distraction.”

“Mama…”  I’m trying really, really hard not to sigh into this phone.  This is where it starts….this is where she starts lecturing me about my personal life.

“I’m just saying my dear….I’ve always wondered why you have this idea that your own Mama doesn’t know her baby.  That she doesn’t know when she is holding something back, or when she is lying, or when she is trying to convince people she is okay when in reality she is not.”

“I am okay….I’m not miserable.  We’ve apart for two years now Mama…trust me.  I’ve moved on….we’re completely finished with one another.”  I don’t want to snap but she is pushing me towards that edge.  “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to discuss this anymore.  I have a new life…a new future.”

“Mm-hmm…okay.  Speaking of future….I had a dream about you last night.”

“Oh really….what about?”

“I dreamt I had another grandbaby coming my way….isn’t that lovely?”  I break out into laughter so loudly that my child wakes up startled and looks around in panic. I quickly hold him to me and begin to shush him as I rock gently, calming him enough to put him back to sleep.  “Mama, don’t do that again, you made me scare your grandchild.  What would make you even dream of such nonsense…what did you eat before bedtime?”

“Absolutely nothing….so this must be a sign.  Do you have something to tell me?”

“Oh my gosh, Mama are you absolutely out of your mind?  No, I have nothing to tell you.  I can’t even get pregnant anymore.”

“Marlena, darling…anything is possible.  Besides, you’re still young.”  This never fails.  For as long as I’ve known my mother, she always…always…always wanted me to procreate and have more children…as if I don’t have enough.  And it’s amusing because this is the same woman who only had a set of twins and stopped.  Why she wants me to be the human hamster is beyond me.

“Uh, no not that young and because it’s all taken care of…that’s why it’s not possible.”

“Oh right, you had your surgery years ago, didn’t you?”

“No, I never went through with that…but I have had an…”  I freeze for a moment and start thinking back.  “Um…an…I…”  I begin to trail off when Mama starts calling my name…asking me what’s wrong.  “Nothing, I’m just trying to remember what I have.  I have an…IUD.  Why are we even talking about this?”  My body immediately tenses and I begin flipping through memories as if I were rewinding scenes in my head….moments blinking by rapidly.

“Well it’s just a dream, obviously that won’t be happening….much to my dislike.  You aren’t even with John…or anyone for that matter.  I mean there is that gentleman Samuel you mentioned but I rather you not even go there with him.”  Everything she is saying has become a ramble in my head…her words are completely joggled together and I am in a total haze.  “Do you still get your periods with those things?  I don’t trust those gadgets…whatever happened to following the methods we did back in the day…the natural way.”

“That doesn’t work…clearly.”  I still am not paying much attention but I manage to answer her.  “And yes you still have your period with those contraceptives.”

“Natural methods do work, people just don’t know how to follow them carefully.”

“Mama, from a medical standpoint…that is not even legit.  Not everyone has the same cycle therefore it is not possible to follow such a method properly.”  I carefully move Damian off my lap and place him gently on the sofa, covering him with a blanket as I cradle the phone between my shoulder and ear.  I can’t even concentrate on the conversation because my mind is circling a million miles a minute.  I believe I am starting to panic.  “What’s today’s date?”

“The 10th, why?”  Oh God.  Shit.

“Ok…that’s what I thought.  Sorry, I am jumping everywhere…I was trying to setup an appointment for Damian and I couldn’t remember today’s date.”  I lie badly. She might catch on….I’m hoping she doesn’t though.  “Mama….Damian is starting to wake up…let me calm him down before he has a break down.”

“Yes, yes go to him.  I will talk to you in a little while.”

“Okay, I will call you later.”  I quickly hang up and begin nervously pacing around the living room as I start dating back the times and dates of everything that happened within the last month.  I close my eyes in dread when I recall what my doctor visit was about.  ‘We’re going to remove the IUD for a few months, see if that clears up the irritation.  However, you should know that you will need to take extreme precautions due to high levels of fertility once the IUD has been removed’.

I think I’m starting to sweat.  I begin pacing the room again as I start thinking back to John and me.  The first time we did anything after that IUD was….that day in my living room…when he came over to ‘talk’ supposedly.  Did he come inside me?  Why am I asking that stupid question.  What was the date? Did I get my period after?  Was I ovulating?  Oh my God, I could have a nervous breakdown any second now.

The second time we did anything was…shortly after.  He stayed the night…we made love…continuously.  All night.  So it was more than once….multiple times….multiple opportunities.

We did it again that morning…but we were interrupted….so I don’t think he finished.  God, I hope not.

I close my eyes and sit down along the edge of the couch, placing my head in my heads and raking my fingers through my hair.  “God, why must I be so careless and stupid.  We cannot do this again…I cannot go through this again. ”  I whisper up to the ceiling, hoping my prayers will be answered.  I take a deep breath and try to control myself…trying to get myself together.  “God, please….I beg of you…don’t do this to us again.”

Unable to sit still, I jump up to my feet and start pacing before walking over to my cell phone, flipping through my calender.  “What’s the date….think back Marlena.”  When I can’t seem to think of the date…I walk to my laptop on the computer and start going through my emails, usually there is some confirmation from my doctor visit and a follow up date.  Why am I even looking at that….I need to think back about last period last month.  Quickly closing an email, I click the home page when something catches my attention.

My mouth drops open and I almost can’t believe what I am seeing when I sit…partially fall back on the floor in shock…bringing my laptop with me.  My shaking fingers quickly start moving the mouse to skim the article as I feel my heart thumping throughout chest.  Quickly reaching for the remote on the coffee table, I turn on the TV and switch to the local TV station where I stand frozen and watch the screen.

Like clockwork, my cell phone begins to ring as I blankly accept the call and pull it to my ear without even looking at the caller ID.  I hear the caller speaking to me….telling me the latest news but it’s too late…he’s too late….I’m already watching.  I don’t even mutter a single word to him…I only stare at the TV screen in denial.

“Marlena…are you okay? Do you need me to come over?”

“No…”  Blankly I watch the screen and the images play out.  “I need to go Sam….I’ll talk to you later.”  Without another word, I hang up the phone and throw it carelessly on the couch.

My eyes follow the small scroll at the bottom of the screen, reading the breaking news report.  “This cannot be happening…what is happening here?”

Bold letters flash across the screen along with a video clip that will forever be burned into my memory.

Basic Black Corporation Under Investigation For Fraud:  CEO John Black Arrested for Embezzlement

Images of John…my John….being led through a crowd…with his head down…his hands behind his back…his hands in handcuffs.

I watch speechless and in horror as two men lead him through a thick crowd of protestors before placing him in the backseat of a car.   My world has just crumbled and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

XIII.  (Warning: A lil Rated R but nothing horrible though)

There comes a time when you forget about all your wrongs, all the hurtful things from the past, all of endless energy you have wasted on one another….basically everything negative that you have been to one another.  It’s in that small window that you forget why you were mad at them, why you were pushing them away, and why you had cut them out of your life.  That anger is suddenly replaced with worry, sympathy, and emotions you can’t quite put into words.

I’m not saying that I am prepared to run into his arms and tell him that I will take him back into our lives.  I’m not even saying that I am prepared to slip his ring on my finger and promise him the world.  We’d be kidding ourselves if we even attempted to play those childish games.   But what I can say I am prepared to do, is get to the bottom of this and find out exactly what is going on…what has been going on…and what happens from now on.  My mind begins to race and I start wondering what ifs, what now, and the what to do.  First thing first….I need to figure out how to go about this and find out as much information as I possibly can before making the next step.

It’s been a whole 24 hours since I found out about the news and please believe, I had not one second of sleep last night.  Mostly because of Damian but John was not far from my thoughts either. Between a crying child with a fever and watching endless replays of John being led away to jail on CNN news all through the night….I’m surprised I’m functioning quite well this morning.  In happier news, Damian seems to be doing somewhat better as well….which means I can get more done without him clinging to me all day.

The first thing on my agenda after having fed Damian is make a few phone calls to our mutual associates and business partners who could possibly share more information with me about John and the issues that are going on.  I knew it would take up most of my morning but I needed to do what I had to do in order to get to the bottom of things.  After having taken care of the calls, I began speaking with my lawyer to go over Damian’s connection with Basic Black.  Obviously he is much too young to play a part in anything but the fact that his name is one of the few names listed as trustees….that can’t be very good either.   No more then 10 minutes into the phone call….I immediately feel a migraine coming along as we flip through documents over the phone to try and cover Damian and Belle’s bases.  Obviously Belle is an adult so I can’t handle much for her but I can assist when the time comes for her to make her move and the next step.

Realizing that it’s going to take more then a phone call to fix all this and get Damian’s name off the company for now….we schedule an appointment to meet at the law firm and to begin filing legal documents.  We’re doing everything we can to prevent others from coming after my children for the money they are seeking, money that has been stolen from their accounts.

I run my fingers through my hair and look over at Damian, who is lazily laying along the floor with his blankets sprawled out along the carpeted ground.  He watches the TV screen tiredly, occasionally kicking up his little leg and draping it across the other as it dangles through the air.  I sigh, knowing that he is not completely 100% and I just can’t leave him with someone…but at the same time…I really need to figure out what is happening with John.  Deciding against my better judgement, I pick up the phone and make a couple calls while anxiously tapping my pen along the pad of paper on the table.

“Hey you….I normally wouldn’t ask this of you….but I need a favor.”  I smile when I hear that bubbly laugh on the other line.  “You have no idea how grateful I am.  So this is what I need from you.”

Exactly an hour later, I walk into this dark gloom lobby and look around at the people hustling around the room.  It has got to be the worst energy I’ve ever encountered but what do you expect from a place like this.  I pull my jacket a little tighter to my body and make my way up to the counter, waiting to be addressed.  Of course, people here tend to be lazy and have a completely different interpretation of customer service.

“What can I do you for?”

I make a face and slant my mouth a little.  Where did they exactly get their education from?  “Uh, for starters….it’s what can I do for you and secondly, I am here to see about John Black.”

“Excuse me…I didn’t know this was an English lesson.  What about Black?  He can’t have any visitors at this time.”

“I’m not trying to visit him.  I’m trying to find out the charges and what the bail is set at…if there is any.”

“And who are you?  His lawyer?”

I laugh and shake my head. The levels of education around here are just appalling.  “No, I am someone though that plays a part in his defense.”

“There’s a first.”

“What is his bail set at?”  I’m losing my patience and I am really trying not to.  I know that if I snap, we won’t get anywhere.

“I’m sorry, I can’t disclose that to you if you’re not part of his legal team.”

“And why not?  If am someone who is willing to help him, I think it doesn’t matter who I am or what title I hold?”  He smiles and shakes his head.

“Lady, there isn’t enough money in the world to set him free.”

I frown, unappreciative of his attitude and the way he disrespectfully addresses me.  “Are you sure about that?  What’s his bail?”

He looks at me, lifts an eye brow at me before yelling out for someone.  “Bring me Black’s file please.  And get Johnson…he has someone who would like to speak with him regarding bail for Black.”  I smile appreciatively and cross my hands over each other on the counter as I wait for the next step.  “Either you love him or plan to kill him.”

“It might be a little of both.”  I adjust my purse and look towards the person who is asking me to follow them to their office.  Sighing deeply, I follow them into their small room and wait for them to close the door.

“You’re here for John Black?”

“I am.”  Sitting down along the chair, I keep my face straight and wait for this gentleman to come around and sit at his desk.

“And you are?”  Throwing his file on the desk, he grabs his phone and clicks a few buttons before placing it down on the desk as well.  Slowly sitting down, he joins his hands together and looks at me carefully.

“Marlena Evans.”  His face pinches and he stares at me closely before sitting back in his chair and smiling.

“Oh….I know who you are.  The ex-wife yes?”

“That would be correct.”

“How nice.  What can I do for you Mrs. Black?”  I think he is toying with me.

“First of all It’s Dr. Evans and secondly…I’m here to find out some information.”  Placing my purse down on the ground, I adjust the lapels on my jacket and sit up straight against the chair, never allowing my eyes to drift away from his.

“Such as?”

“A little bit of everything.”  I’m not trying to be a bitch…but I know I have to stand my ground at the same time if we want to get somewhere.

“You know I’m not obligated to share this information with you if you are not part of his legal team or his spouse.”

“No, you’re right you’re not….but if you want the money….then I suggest we start getting down to business.”  He sighs and looks around the room before looking up at the ceiling and dipping his head back.

“Black huh?”  He smiles and shakes his head.  “You know, I could lose my job for this….What do I get in return?”  Is he serious right now?  I think he is trying to intimidate me.

“Money”

“Yeah but I don’t get that personally.”

“No but you’ll get quite the bit of praise, a pat on the back, and nice bonus for even bringing in that kind of bail on a high profile case.  So you tell me what you want to about this.”

He laughs a bit and folds his hands along the desk.  “You talk a real good game but can you play it?”

I keep my face completely stiff…showing no emotion whatsoever.  “Try me.”

“Let’s begin.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I lean down on the bed and place a gentle kiss on Damian’s forehead, running my fingertips along his chubby baby face.   Checking to make sure he is comfortable and that his temperature is under control, I place a blanket over his body and lay another kiss on his head while waiting to see if he shifts.  As I stare at him, I can’t help but see John in his features.  I begin to wonder about John’s future…Damian’s future as well with the downfall of his father.  Will Damian ever really get to know his father if this thing progresses further?  Clearing my thoughts, I look down at my child and place one more kiss along the crown of his head. Once I am sure he is fine, I leave my bedroom and slightly close the door as I make my way to my office down the hall.  Grabbing some folders, I begin opening them and flipping through documents when my cell phone begins to ring.  Glancing at the caller ID, I grunt out my frustration and place the phone back down, silencing the ringer. There are times when you just want to be alone and when you don’t need someone calling you…trying to make conversation when you have nothing to say to them.  I’m busy anyway…I’m behind at work….I need to set these appointments for my patients and I need to do quick reviews on their files before I can even meet with them.  It’s going to be a long afternoon.

I hear the sound from the house alarm beep which usually indicates someone is walking in the house.  I’m not really concerned because my children have a key to the house and I am expecting Belle to stop by.  She called earlier, explaining she left one of her school books at the house and needed it this afternoon for her class.  I assume its her and I am quickly reassured when she yells at from downstairs saying it was her and that she is just grabbing her book and running out.  I’m guessing she is running late…what else is new.  I simply call out and tell her okay and that I will call her later.

Going back to my files, I begin flipping through documents and start searching for stuff on my computer.  Sometimes this work can be overwhelming and with my mind a million miles away, now is probably not the good time to try and retain all this information I am reading.  I can’t seem to get my mind off of John.  I keep thinking about all the information I heard today and what kind of charges he is facing.  Why didn’t he tell me about this?  Why didn’t he just tell me what I think he wanted to say awhile ago?  That’s probably why he was overseas for all those months…trying to fix things.

I hear a noise in the doorway and notice a figure standing there…to which I already know must be my restless child.  Will I ever get a break?  I remove my glasses and turn towards the door frame, placing the file down on my desk.  “Damian, honey…why are you….”

My mouth drops and I look up at him staring at me. his hands clenched together…cracking at the knuckles from the stress I’m sure he is feeling.

“John? What are you doing here?”

“Doc…”  I try to stand up but he walks quickly to me and holds his hands out, holding me still in my chair.

“How did you get in?”

“I saw Belle outside….I told her to leave the door unlocked.”  He smiles a bit and arches his eyebrow.  “She has a million questions…all to which I promised to get back to her with but first…I needed to speak with you.”

I can’t even say a word….I’m speechless.

“You know why I am here right?”

I slowly shake my head and turn to look away when his eyes become to painful to stare at.

“Why did you do it?”  His voice is deep, a hint of anger lingers there.

“Do what?”

“Don’t play this with me…you know what?”  He is getting angrier…his face is showing it.

“What are you even talking about?”

“Damnit Marlena…don’t do this.  You know why I am here.”  He has now raised his voice and removed his hands from me.  Standing tall, he begins raking fingers through his hair in frustration and pacing the room angrily.  “How could you do that?  Why would you do that?”

“Because I had to….I couldn’t leave you there.”

“Why?  I’m not your concern anymore, remember?”  He begins to shout and I quickly get up and close the office door, hoping not to disturb our sleeping toddler.

“Keep your voice down…the baby is sleeping.”

“Why did you do it?”  He reaches out and grabs me roughly by my upper arms, pulling me to him.

“John stop it.”  Removing myself away from him….I watch as he angrily punches the air and paces around in circles like crazed animal in search for it’s prey.   “I had to…Did you think I would just sit here and watch everything unfold and sit around helplessly?  Why didn’t you tell me about this before?  I asked you repeatedly what was going on and you wouldn’t say a word.”

“How much did you give?  I’ll send it back to you.”

“No.”  I yell out and try to calm myself before I too wake Damian.  “Besides you can’t even do that if you wanted to…your assets are frozen.”

“I have ways….how much?”

“Stop acting like superman….and just accept my help.”

“I can’t do that.”  He is grinding his teeth to control his temper.  There is nothing more that John hates then a woman stepping in and helping him…financially.

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t damnit.  How much did you pay?”

I turn my face and body away and grab some files, piling them in a neat order.  “Nothing.”

“Marlena.”  He growls out but it doesn’t affect me.

“John stop it.  Leave it be.  You’re out and that’s all that matters.  I suggest you get yourself in order and meet with your lawyers.”

He reaches out and turns my body towards his, pulling me close to him.  “I don’t want you to be responsible for me….I am not your responsibility anymore.”

“No but you’re my children’s father…and I refuse to allow that father to sit in a cell and me selfishly do nothing about it.  You know me….you know what I would do.”

“I don’t want you to have anything to do with this.”  He is yelling and I can tell he is on the verge of a breakdown.

“And why not?”

“Because I don’t want my family in danger, that’s why?  I am the most hated man right now and by you going in to bail me out….now makes you and my children a target.  I can’t have that Marlena…I won’t have it.”  He yanks me so hard that my skin begins to sting.

“Nothing is going to happen to us….you need to stop thinking that way.”

“Are you blind?  Have you not seen the protesters out there? The victims?  They want me dead…with good reason.”   We both stay quiet and I drop my gaze to the carpet.  “How much did you pay them?”

I look up after a moment and stare up into his blue eyes.  “Nothing that matters.”

He shuts his eyes in anger and grits his teeth as he takes a deep breath to try and remain calm.  “I want you to stay away from me.  Keep the kids away from me…its for your own good.”

“John…stop it.  You will get through this…I’m sure it was all a mistake.”

He laughs and releases my arms.  “Its cute how naive you can be.”  Reaching out to touch my chin tenderly, he turns to walk away and begins staring at our children’s pictures on the wall.  “I’m most likely never going to see their faces again.  What have I done?”

I’m confused by his comment and walk up to him.  “What do you mean by that?  You didn’t do anything.”

He drops his head and slowly turns to me, looking at me sadly.  “Oh but I did.”  I reach out and grab his arm when he tries to walk away from me.  “I should have payed closer attention but instead I put trust into those I should have never left in charge.  It’s all my fault….and now I am the one who is going down for it.”  I notice some tears as they begin to trail down his face and it pains me to see him like this.  I want to reach out and hold him but I can’t.  When I begin to move my hand to his face, he flinches back and grabs my wrist to stop me from touching him.

“Why did you do this for me?  I thought you didn’t love me anymore?”

“I never said I didn’t love you anymore….You play a huge role in most of my life…how could I not love you?  Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean I don’t care for you.  I’m not that cruel to leave you in that cell…that vision alone pains me.”  I feel myself close to tears but I am determined to stay strong for him.

“I need you to stay away from me.”  He turns away and places his hands along the edge of the desk, trying to breathe in and out.  “I’ll send you the money and we’ll be squared away.  Don’t do anything for me again.”

“Oh so then you’re allowing me to move on and move forward.  I shall just move along with Samuel and let the kids start cozying up to him since you will be out the picture for good?  With any of us?”  I don’t mean to infuriate him even more but I know by me rubbing this in his face, will pretty much open his eyes a bit on his stubbornness.

“If that’s what you must do then yes.”

“So I should start training Damian to call Sam Daddy now….is that it?”  He is biting the inside of his cheek…he wants to snap….I am not helping.

“Do what you have to do.”

“And so I can have Sam move in here and we should all start being a family huh?”  He is clenching his fists.  “We’ll just cut you right out because that’s what you want?”  He is closing his eyes and shaking his head angrily.  “Fine…I’ll make sure to pass the message to Damian that he no longer has you as his daddy but he will have a new one soon. Got it.”  I’m cruel for playing along with this but I need to get through to him that what he is asking…is not realistic.  I move around him to walk away but he turns angrily and snatches me towards him by my waist, crashing my back into his chest.  His mouth attaches to my neck as he bites angrily, lustfully…..begging against my skin to not do this to him.  “This is what you want John….you asked for me to leave you be.”  I can barely contain myself as his hands have begun to roam my body, touching me in places I would have banned him from days before.  He turns me quickly and tries to kiss me but I back my face away.  “I don’t want to do this with you.  I can’t do this with you.  You have someone else.”

“Forget about her….I already did.”  His mouth latches on to mine as he pulls me closer to his lips, sucking the air from my body and fighting with my tongue.  We’re both desperate, both scared….and neither of us knows what the future will hold.  All we have is here and now.  I try to back away but he pulls me closer to him, his mouth penetrating mine with his determined tongue.  “God, I need you so much baby.”  His teeth are beginning to nip my jawline, my neck, my collarbone.  “I can’t believe you did what you did for me today.” Another deep kiss.  “I love you.”

“Don’t say that to me John….you have someone else.”  I’m being stubborn but I have not forgotten about her and when I close my eyes….all I see is her…them really.

“I want you…and only you.”  He continues to kiss me when he lifts me up and forces my legs around him.  He looks around quickly and decides to walk us out the room.  When he begins to head to my bedroom, I stop him…knowing we can’t go there.

“John not there…Damian is sleeping in my room.”

“Then where?”  His lustful growl pretty much confirms that he wants me in the worst way.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”  I try to pull away but he holds me closer.

“Tell me where or I’ll have you right here, right now.”

“And what if I say no?”

“You wouldn’t mean it.”  He smiles and takes me lips in another deep kiss as he clumsily stumbles through the hallway, trying to support my weight and kiss me at the same time.  He guides us to a door that leads to the guest bedroom and laughs against my lips when he realizes its a bedroom.  With quick strides, he kicks the door shut and lays us down along the bed as he fights to remove my top from my body.  Our mouths are frantic as our hands begin tugging at each others clothes, trying desperately to free one another from the fabric.

Her face flashes in my head and I’m not sure whether to feel guilty or upset….I do know neither of that stops me from helping him remove his shirt up and over his head.  “John, we shouldn’t do this….I can’t do this.  You’re with someone else….you sleep with someone else.”

“Stop it…don’t do this now.” His hands manage to tear my shirt and carelessly rip it open and off my body.  He is destructive when he is sexually deprived.  “I’m not with her…not anymore.”

“That’s a lie.”

“I swear on our children…now kiss me.”  He starts tugging at the straps of my bra as he sucks anxiously at my lips, parting my legs and resting his hips between my thighs.  Both of us still clad in jeans….the friction of the denim not causing much pleasure. I feel his fingers unbuttoning my jeans and tugging at the course fabric…hoping to free me from barrier that is denying him access. He pulls away from my mouth and slightly lifts up, yanking my pants off my hips and down my legs.  His fingers move to my center and he watches me closely as he begins to rub me gently over the silk fabric that is covering my womanhood.  I close my eyes in ecstasy and bite my lip to stop the sounds of pleasure from escaping me.  When he reaches to remove my panties…I lift my hips slightly…enough to give him permission that he is welcome to take my body whenever he is ready.

I watch him quickly peel off his jeans and boxers as he places gentle kisses along my knees and thighs during the process.  I can’t ignore his impressive organ as it stands tall and ready…waiting to do what it was meant to do.  His hand moves to it as he begins to pump it softly and slowly, all the while kissing my thighs aggressively, leaving red marks in the wake of his kisses.  With each bite, his hand moves quicker until the head of his penis is pulsating and almost a reddish purple hue.

He begins to crawl over me and parts my legs in the process, his lips leaving trails of wet kisses up my torso and to my breasts.  When our lips meet again, he takes my mouth into a deep sensual kiss that makes me melt into his arms and shutter from the anticipation of him joining our bodies together.  I can feel myself soaking below as each touch he places on my body is electrifying.

Somewhere during our kiss is when I felt him slip in…and somewhere during our battle for control with our dueling tongues did I realize that we needed to stop.  It’s almost as if the light bulb in my head suddenly lit up and the reason for my panicking earlier had finally dawned on me.  By the time I managed to get my head on straight, his body was already above mine, pumping gently in and out of me.  I wanted to stop…I needed him to stop but for the life of me…I couldn’t voice out anything.

“John…honey….hold on.”  The pleasure that was coursing through my veins was enough to make me scream out and ignore the nagging thoughts that were bubbling in my head….but we have to be responsible and we need to get serious.

“Shh, just kiss me.”  His breathing is overpowering his words, his movements are getting quicker.

“John, stop please.  Hold on.”  His thrusts paused and he looked down at my face as I tried to squirm beneath him.  “We need to stop.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“No, I’m serious…..we can’t do this.”  His face literally went from a shade of red to complete paleness as he watches me closely, determining if I am joking with him or not.  “Can you please get off.”

“No tell me what’s wrong…am I hurting you?”

“No..it’s not that….we just need to stop…I can’t do this with you.”

XIV.

You know that awkward moment when there is just dead silence between two people, who just a minute ago….had so much to say to one another.  Well that is the situation we are sitting in right now.  I can’t tell you how awkward it feels to be sitting across your ex husband, pretty much completely nude while he stares at you as if you suddenly have grown a second head.

I reach for the throw at the end of the bed and slightly cover myself, beginning to feel quite uncomfortable as we sit inches apart from each other, neither of us daring to speak a word.  I guess I should go first since I am the one who stopped him and pushed him away from me.

I turn to look at him but I can’t help but notice the very obvious erection that is causing such a distraction, preventing me from saying what I need to say.  I clear my throat and turn my attention to the side of the bed, trying to focus on anything else but that.  The sight of that beautiful erection is enough to make me throw the blanket off and climb on top of him….but I need to be responsible.

“I’m sorry….I really did want to go through with what we were doing…but I can’t.”  I pull the blanket around me a bit tighter as I hear him sigh and run his hands through his hair, obviously from the sexual tension he must be feeling.

“Why?  What’s going on here?  Is this about Kim?”

Her name is like a bucket of cold water against my heated flesh.  I turn my face towards him and glare at him coldly.  “No it wasn’t but thanks for the reminder…it sure will play a part now in not wanting to do this with you.”

He tries to reach out and pull the blanket but I back up against the pillows, pulling my body back as far as I can go, until I feel the cool wood from the headboard.  “I’m not trying to bring it up, but you are the one who stopped what we were doing.  I’m confused as to why?”

“It has nothing to do with her.”  I say calmly and start fidgeting with the blanket as I keep my eyes off of him and his other parts.

“Does it have to do with him?”  I already know how him is but I feel the need to play dumb.

“Him who?”  Looking up at him, I can tell he’s aggravated just by even thinking about him.

“Sam.”

“This has absolutely nothing to do with him.”  I shake my head and try to climb off the bed but he stops me and holds my arm so that I don’t shift away.  “Can you please stop handling me so aggressively?”  He loosens his hold but doesn’t release me completely.

“So then if this isn’t about either of them…what is this about?”

I bite my lower lip and look around the room before shrugging and making a face.  “I just don’t want to do this.  I’m not in the mood.”

His eyes nearly bulge out of his head as his mouth drops a little.  “Are you kidding?  You are practically flooding so don’t give me that excuse that you aren’t in the mood.  What is really going on?”

I sigh deeply and close my eyes, shaking my head gently…not knowing what to say at this moment.  I might as well tell him the truth, there is no other way around this.  “I….If you want to do this….we need to use protection.  I want you to use a condom.”

He laughs loudly and drops his head, thumping his fist into the mattress below us.  “You’re seriously joking right now. I told you….I’m not with her anymore.”

“It doesn’t matter.”  He starts leaning towards me and slowly removes the blanket that I’m using to shield myself.  I fight him at first but finally snatches it out of my hands and throws it on the floor.  Crawling to me, he tries to lay me back and spread my legs but I stop him and try to push him back up.  “Stop it.”

“Come on….I’m safe….I promise.”

“No, we can’t do this without a condom.”

“What…do you think I have something?  Do you think I am going to pass something to you?”  He is smiling but I’m not amused.  “I promise you….it’s only yours.  I’ve protected myself each and every time when I did something.”

He is really killing the mood now.  “Don’t talk to me about those other times you’ve done things with others.”

“I’m just saying….it’s nothing for you to worry about.  The only person who has had the whole package was you and only you.”

I look up at him with a sarcastic glare.  “Yes, I’m sure.”

“I have no reason to lie.”

“You already broke that trust barrier…so let’s not go there.”

He tries again to lay me down but I’m not budging.  “Are you trying to punish me….trying to prove a point?  Trust me…it’s working.” He leans down and kisses my lips.  “Trust me.”  He lays another kiss.  “Let me make love to you.”

“No.”

“Marlena….where in the world am I going to get a condom at?”  He is beginning to get angry.

“Well unless you go out and get one…which I am sure you won’t…then we aren’t doing anything.”

“You really are that convinced I’m not safe?  This is ridiculous.”  He shakes his head and crawls off the bed, searching for his clothes on the floor.

“John, wait…..”  He finds his boxers and reaches for them as he slips them on quickly before grabbing his jeans and shaking them harshly so the legs straighten out.  “It’s not you….this has nothing to do with you.”  He stops what he is doing and looks over at me, confused.

“What?”

I bite my lip and stare at the clothes thrown all over the floor.  “I’m not on birth control….that’s why I want you to use a condom.”

He still looks confused as he throws his jeans at the end of the bed and walks over to me, standing near me.  “What do you mean you aren’t on birth control?  What are you even talking about…you don’t need birth control.  You’re just making excuses now.”

“No.”  I say loudly then quickly stop myself.  “I’m not making excuses.  It’s true….I haven’t been on birth control for almost 2 months now.”

“What in the hell is going on here?”  He sits along the edge of the bed and reaches for my chin, turning me to look at him.  “You had that surgery after Damian was born.  Why in hell would you need to be on birth control?”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, unable to face him when I tell him the truth.  “I never did.  I never went through with it.”

“What?”

“It was mostly because of you.  I remember how upset you were…how broken up you were about it and how unfair and selfish it was to make that kind of decision without even asking your opinion.  I remember how much that decision I made had caused so much tension between us and drifted us apart.”

“What are you saying”

“I’m saying I never had my tubes tied.  I never needed to really because we separated shortly after….it was pointless.”  He is sitting there staring at me oddly.  I can’t read his face….I’m not sure if he is angry or hurt.  He’s also too quiet.  “Say something.”

“I don’t even know what to say right now.  You lied to me.”  He gets up and walks the room only to stop and walk back over to the bed.  “So you haven’t been using anything then?”

“I wasn’t lying to you John….I just didn’t share anything with you.  And I haven’t been using anything in the last two months.”

“What were you using before then?”

“I was on the IUD.”

“Why were you still on that if you weren’t having sex?”

“Why all these questions?  Why is that your concern?”

“You brought this up first…so let’s hear it.”  I should have kept my mouth shut and not said a damn word about this.

“I’ve been on the IUD since Damian…I never had it removed.  It’s the 5 year contraceptive.”  He walks away again and stands near the window….resting his hands on each side of the window pane while staring out at the yard.

“Why did you take the IUD out?”

“There was some issues and my doctor recommended I be off of it for a few months.”

He nods and turns back to look at me.  “And this was 2 months ago?”

I nod but don’t say a word.  I only start reaching for my clothes but he is quick to walk up to me and stop me from doing that.  He holds my hands in his and squats down in front of me.  “So you were off of it when we made love the last few times?”  I nod again.  “Is there something I should know?”  I shift so quickly he loses his balance a bit and leans back.

“No….there is nothing.”  He is eying me suspiciously.

“You sure?”

“All I’m sure of is that if we do anything….you need to use a condom.”

He stands up and now leans over me, laying my body back against the bed.  Spreading my legs with his knee, he slides me up the bed and rests between my legs.  Kissing my mouth slowly…he takes his time in nipping at my jawline and neck.  “I’ll tell you what…..there is ways around that.”

“No John…”

“Shhh….relax.  I’ll pull out, okay?”

“No, that’s too risky.”

“Trust me.”  He takes my mouth again, this time plunging his tongue inside my mouth, making sure to swipe every corner.

“John please…we can’t do this.”  I feel him grinding against me and I’m trying really hard to keep my thoughts focused.  “John, honey…”  I feel his bulge pressing against that sensitive button and I know it will be seconds till I lose control if I don’t push him away from me.

“I’ll pull out.”  He takes my mouth roughly and lifts my arms above my head, pinning my wrists above us.

“No, I know how you are.”

He begins to press his hips against mine as he plunges his tongue deeper into my mouth.  I feel one of his hands release my wrist as it moves down my body and starts sliding his boxers down his hips.  I’m assuming he only removes them half way because his hand goes right back to my wrist.  It’s not long when I feel his penis pressing against my folds, sliding between them, back and forth….slowly and smoothly.  Seconds later, I feel his tip slide between my folds and into my centre as we both gasp quietly, closing our eyes in sheer passion.

“John…”

“That’s all I want to hear….is you calling my name.”

“John…I don’t want to have another baby.  Please…”

“Shh.”  He kisses my lips until my whining turns to moaning.  His hips begin to move back and forth at a slow tempo….pausing every few seconds so that I can adjust to his girth. “The truth is….”  He bites my lower lip, sucking it into his mouth.  “I have a feeling….” Pushing harder into me…he groans loudly as my nails dig into the skin on his back.  “You’re already carrying my little one inside you.”  He moans out again as he pushes harder yet slowly.

I cry out his name and shut my eyes, unable to take the pace anymore.  “John, please don’t say that.”  Breathless, I fight hard to remove that thought from my mind.

“You have that feeling too…which explains why you’re not denying it.”

“I’m not pregnant.”

He laughs against my lips, picking up his thrusts.  “We’ll see.”

I lift my legs up and wrap them easily around his waist as he begins to plunge harder and harder into my body.  We’re angled awkwardly as we lay across the bed, his legs dangling over the edge while my hands dangle on the other side of the bed, squeezing the edge of the mattress.  I cry out harder as he digs deeper into my canal, pushing his tip to what feels like my cervix.

Oddly enough, this bed is much more quiet then my bed so I’m not worried about too much squeaking or wall tapping that could wake our child.  I just have to remember to keep our moaning to a minimum.  I glance as much as possible over John’s shoulder to see if the bedroom door is closed and am pleased the minute I see that it’s shut.  I feel him pick up his pace as he now shifts to his knees and hovers over me.  He quickly pulls out of me for a moment and removes his boxers completely before climbing back on the bed.  Grabbing me by my hips, he turns me over on my stomach and lifts my hips up so that I am on my knees.  Pressing my chest and face against the bed, my hips up in the air, he presses himself behind me.  Spreading my legs further with his hands, he slides back into me gently as my face slides against the comforter.  I close my eyes and prepare for the depths he most likely will reach at this angle.

His thrusts increase when he is in this position and I find myself hiding my face into the bed because I can’t control my moaning.  How I wish our son wasn’t home right now.  I so badly want to scream his name out and hear him scream mine.  All I hear his my muffled sounds, his heavy breathing with a few deep grunts that are escaping him.  I also hear our skin slapping together which is oddly turning me on.

“You feel so fucking good baby.”  He grunts loudly as he slaps his hand against my backside.  I feel myself tightening and I try my best to hold out a bit longer….I’m not ready to let go.  “You are so damn wet.”  He grunts again when he pushes further and pauses a second, I’m assuming to collect himself.  “Does it feel good?”

“It does.”  Breathlessly I manage to say those two little words.

“I love you so much Marlena.”  He begins to plunge harder, deeper then before.  I can’t take the intensity anymore so I lower myself onto the bed, dropping my hips until they are pressed against the mattress.  This doesn’t stop John as he only presses his body down on me and continues to thrust into me.  With his chest against my back and his legs snuggled between my thighs, he still reaches all the right spots.

“John…pull out.”  I whisper these words as soon as I feel him pick up his pace.  My ears start to ring as that usual tingle begins to form in my toes that quickly shoot up body until I absolutely hear nothing else but my own cries as I release myself over John’s shaft that is buried so deeply inside.  His tempo is beyond quick as he grunts loudly over and over, beads of his moisture falling against my back with each thrust he gives.  “John…”

“Baby…”  He groans intensely as pushes his hips so far up that I shift forward in the bed.  “I can’t pull out….I can’t.”

“John please…”

With another push, I feel his release flow through my insides as he cries out my name and falls against my back tiredly, his breathing quite heavy, his penis still buried very much inside me….his thrusting still  slowly.  It takes a minute for him to collect himself before he moves above me and removes himself from my body.  “I’m sorry baby…I just couldn’t.  You felt too damn good to pull away.”

I don’t really know what to say right now other then I’m upset that I believed he would actually pull out of me.  I want to say something but it might be better if I keep my mouth shut right now.  He falls to my side and drapes his arm around me, bringing my body closer to him so that we’re pressed together.  After a moment, I start to move and he shifts, lifting up on his elbow.

“Where are you going?  I thought we would rest a bit.”

“I need to get ready.”  I don’t say anything more and start gathering my clothes up off the floor.  He sits up and looks at me oddly, wondering what I am doing.

“Why?”

I feel his seed moving along my insides and I know it’s a matter of time before it starts to spill out of me. Which means I have limited time to stand here and make a conversation with him.  “I have to…”  Walking to the bathroom, I grab a tissue quickly and begin to wipe his seed from me.  Seconds later, he is standing in the doorway and watching me, not saying much at all.  “I need to go to the drug store.”

“For what?”

“For a little something that I shouldn’t even have to use but since you want to be careless…I have no choice now.”

He lifts his eyebrow and steps into the bathroom.  “You want the Plan B pill?”

“I can’t take any chances anymore.”  He nods and walks out the bathroom.  I don’t bother to follow him and continue cleansing myself so that I am somewhat appropriate.  What I need is a shower but I don’t want to put off this pill.  I don’t want any distractions later so going now is my best bet.  After I’ve rinsed myself as much as possible and dressed back in some of my clothing, I walk back into the guest bedroom to find John dressed and finishing the final touches by buckling his belt.  “Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to the drug store….I’ll get what you need.”

“Oh so your quick to run to the store to get what I need but you couldn’t do that earlier when I asked you to…for what I think we needed 30 minutes ago?”

“Stay here….I’ll be back.”  He looks at me seriously and touches my chin lovingly before walking out the room.  I hear his thumping down the stairs and then the front door close loudly.  And like clockwork, I hear Damian’s cries as I sigh and make my way to my bedroom.  If John can’t catch a clue about another baby…then he needs to be here with Damian 24/7 to further convince him that another baby is absolutely out of the question.

XV.

I can’t explain the exact feeling I have churning in my stomach.  I can’t even describe the look on his face as we stare at each other in silence, neither of us daring to say a word to each other.  Even my son, who is usually bouncy and a burst of energy, is eerily quiet as he plays with his toys along the carpeted ground of our living room floor.

I can hear the hum coming from the vents of the house as I try to look around and find something to do that will preoccupy my thoughts.  I rub my arms and turn away from him, walking over to my son and squatting down.  Kissing the top of his head, I run my hand slowly across his back as I look over to see what he is doing.

“What are you playing with my love?”  He looks up at me with his perfect bubbly smile, proudly displaying his small baby white teeth as he holds up his Fire Truck.

“My fwire twuck.”

I laugh because I am in love with his incorrect pronunciations that he is not capable of saying properly.  “Oh you love that fire truck.  Who gave that to you?”  He points happily towards John as he shouts.

“Daddy.”

I kiss his head again and nuzzle his neck as he laughs before squirming away.  Standing up, I grab Damian’s sippy cup from the coffee table and begin to make my way towards the kitchen, never muttering a word to John.  I barely make it to the counter when I hear him behind me.  I close my eyes because I don’t really feel like talking, I barely know what to say other then I’m sorry.

“Are we going to talk about it?”

I shake my head and begin washing Damian’s sippy cup.  “No.”

I hear him sigh, I’m sure he is rolling his eyes but I am glad my back is to him so that I can’t witness it.  “Why not?”

“Because I don’t feel like talking right now.”

“So this is suddenly all about you now?”

I stop washing the cup and place it on the counter calmly.  Turning around towards him slowly, I take in his face as he stands there frustrated, clearly exhausted, and maybe even worried.  “John please, can we discuss this later.  I can’t have this conversation right now.”

“Why not?  Oh I’m sorry, you must be swamped with work….I’m clearly bugging you during your busy busy schedule.”  I shake my head in annoyance and smile smugly.

“I’m seriously done speaking with you.  Can you please leave?”

“Now you want me to leave….an hour ago you were holding me to you but now, it’s Goodbye John.”  I ignore him and begin piling my mail into a neat pile on the counter.  “I have every right to be here and you know it.  Am I wrong for wanting to talk to you?”

“Can you just leave?”

“No, not until you talk to me

“John.  Please…I can’t handle you and Jonathon right now.”  We both go silent…complete dead silence.  I look at him sadly, instantly regretting what I just said.  Immediately, tears begin to form as I turn away sadly and try to buys my hands, hoping to prevent a meltdown.  It doesn’t work.  My tears begin to fall endlessly as I feel John’s arm wrap around me from behind and I drop my head in agony.  I melt in his arms as I sob out Jonathon’s name, slowly turning in John’s arms and hugging him closely and pitifully.   “God, I miss him.  I miss him so much that it hurts inside.”

“I know.”  His whispers get lost in the strands of my hair as he buries his face into my neck.  “I miss him too….more then you know.”

“I can’t do this anymore John.  I can’t go on like this.”  I cry into his chest as I pull him closer to me, unable to control my emotions.

“Let me be here for you.”  I shake my head sadly, even through my despair…I can’t allow him to come back home or to me.

Thankfully I don’t have to answer him because Damian saves the moment and comes stumbling into the kitchen with his toys.  He looks confused when he sees me and his father hugging.

“Mommy, cwying?”  I pull away from John’s arms and wipe away my tears quickly as I walk to Damian and scoop him up and onto my hip.

“No baby, Mommy isn’t crying.  I just have something in my eye. It’s okay…I’m all better now…you see?”  I smile as I kiss his face and he laughs, turning away.  “You always make Mommy better.”  He leans forward and places the sweetest kiss on my lips before looking behind him for his toy.

John is quick to please his son as he squats down and retrieves the toy our son is in search for.  “Is this what you are looking for buddy?”

He nods anxiously and reaches for the toy, thanking his father in the process.  John leans down and kisses Damian’s forehead while looking at me as he does.  I smile sadly and hold my son closer to me before placing him down and grabbing another sippy cup to give him.  “Sweetheart, are you hungry?  Are you ready to eat?”

He only nods his answer, clearly more interested in his toys than me.

“Hey, how about we go out to eat?”  I look towards John and immediately shake my head.

“Damian can’t sit still at restaurants, you know that.”

“I wasn’t talking about a formal sit down….I was thinking something more laid back and fun for him.”

I’m clearly confused as I narrow my eyes at him and wonder what he is implying.  “Like what?”

“Just go get him ready and we’ll head on out.”

“John, wait…I don’t think it’s a good idea.  Thank you for the offer but it’s probably best he eats here and you can…”

“I can what?”  His look says it all….I’ve disappointed him.  “Leave?  Is that what you want to say?”

“Actually no…I was going to say go but you interrupted me.”  I laugh to lighten up the mood a little because I know I must have hurt his feelings.  He has every right to want to take Damian out for lunch or dinner…or whichever.  “To be honest, I am not in the mood to go out to eat….especially because of earlier.  I would like nothing more than a warm bath and well, he is hungry now.”

He nods and looks at his son before looking at me.  “Pizza?”

“I’m fine with that…I’m sure he will be too.”  I look down at Damian and smile, excitedly asking him if he wants pizza.

“Yeah.”  We both laugh at his excitement as John pulls out his cell and starts scrolling through his contacts for the number.

“While you do that, can I go upstairs and shower really quick while you watch him?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”  I start to walk away but John grabs my wrist and stops me from leaving.  “I truly think we need to talk…can we do that later?”

I only nod because I don’t want to get into another conversation or argument.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Is he asleep?”  I turn towards Damian who is knocked out in the middle of my bed, obviously knocked out for the night.  Adjusting the phone on my ear, I hum my answer.   “That’s good….he had a long day.”

“He really did.”

“Are you available right now?”  Folding clothes that I lift up from the basket, I busy myself with them while cradling the phone between my neck and shoulder.

“I am but I was really hoping to go to sleep shortly.  I’m exhausted and I would like nothing more then to put this day behind us.”

“You promised me that we could talk later.”

I’m glad he can’t see my reaction when he says this.  “I know I did.”  I hear him digging through stuff in the background.  “I’m not trying to blow you off John, I’m just asking to reschedule.”

“I don’t know Marlena.”  I hear him slam a door before hearing something drop.  “You act as if this isn’t important to you.”

“I never said that.”

“Then what’s the problem here.”

“As if you have to ask.”  I begin placing the folded clothes in drawers while organizing other drawers.   “It’s been a long day.  Can we discuss this in the morning?”

“Did you take that pill?”  He certainly has a way to throw me off guard.

“What pill?”

“You know what pill I am talking about?”  This guy is absolutely a piece of work.  And he totally has random thoughts at times.

“What in the world are you talking about?  You mean the pill that you never bought for me at the store today?”

“Yes, that one.”

“When and how would have I got that John?”  I don’t bother getting upset because it would be pointless and it would take far more energy then I have to give right now.

“Hey, I left over an hour ago….you could have very well ran out and picked one up.”

I laugh because sometimes I don’t think he hears himself when he makes these ridiculous accusations.  “You’re right…and while I was out, I picked up a box of condoms just in case…because I never know when I may need them.”

“Funny, you won’t be needing them anytime soon.”  I stop what I am doing and hold the phone closer to my ear.

“I’m sorry?  What did you just say?”

“Can I come over or no?”

“No, I’m going to bed.  And don’t even think about stopping over anyway.”

“Marlena..”

“No John…I need to go.  Have a good night.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My eyes blink heavily, tiredly, and sadly as I lay in bed, holding the sheet to my chest while staring at the ceiling of the bedroom.  My breathing is slightly returning to normal and my body temperature is starting to cool somewhat.   I don’t actually know what time it is and I wish I had put a clock in this room but I never anticipated sleeping in here ever.  His heavy arm reaches around and pulls me towards him, bringing my head into the small space between his neck and shoulder area.  His lips are instantly on my forehead and face as he moans against my skin, breathing in my scent.

I could fall into his spell again but I won’t.  I don’t know why we keep doing this.  As if I didn’t have enough earlier.  We just keep digging deeper and deeper into the problems we create for ourselves.

“Honey, we need to stop.”  I mumble against his lips when I start to feel his body lift up and over mine once more.  I hear myself telling him this yet my legs part for him and accommodate his hips between them.  I can feel his soft grinds as we continue to kiss without hurry.

“I can’t stop loving you baby.”  He doesn’t whisper this, yet he isn’t very loud either.  I’m not too worried about Damian because I know he can’t possibly hear anything that is going on.

I hum against his lips as I accept his tongue willingly into my mouth.  My arms wrap around his back as my nails begin to skim down the moist flesh along his back.   “John….we shouldn’t be doing this.  This has to be the last time…I mean it.”

“Don’t say that.”  I close my eyes when I feel him press against me and I fight the urge to moan his name.  Instead I simply bite my lip and attempt to hide my pleasure from him.  I can make love to this man if I wanted to.  I can turn him over and crawl over him and make love to him passionately, loudly…for hours if needed, knowing our son is in my bedroom way down the hall and we are alone in this guest bedroom from earlier.  But I can’t.

“We need to talk about what happened earlier.”  I guess that topic is like cold water to us because I feel him stop, and lower his body down on top of mine, almost as if he has been defeated in this battle.  He pulls away from me and rests along side of me on the bed, staring at the ceiling.  I wish I would have said these same words when he first showed up at my doorstep an hour ago.  Instead we found ourselves undressing one another and kissing each other all the way up the stairs towards the guest bedroom.  I should have said no but his lips felt too good to turn away.  His hands felt like magic and his touches were breathtaking.  I might have just needed comfort at that moment.

“There is nothing to discuss other then I’m fine with it.”  He turns and rests on his side, balancing himself on one elbow while his other hand skims down my body and twirls his fingertips along my stomach.  “Aren’t you?”

“Are you out of your mind?  No, I am absolutely not okay with this.”  I don’t want to sugar coat things because we’ve come too far in this game to play games with one another.  “I won’t do this again.”

“With me?”

“With anyone.”  His face stiffens as he moves closer to me.

“There will be no one.”

I laugh sarcastically as I shake my head.  “Let’s get serious.”

“I am being serious.”

I sit up and pull the sheet with me, needing the space from him because I can’t concentrate around him.  I gather the sheet around me and crawl off the bed, walking over to the window and looking outside at the moonlight.  “I never thought I would be standing here dealing with this again.”  I shake my head and drop my gaze to the pool area of the backyard.  “I’m not even sure if it’s true….It can’t be.”

“It is Marlena.”

I turn his way and smile.  “No, it’s not.  It was defective.”

“Denial only gets you so far.”  I smirk at his comment and point to him.

“You should be telling yourself that.”  He tries to get up but I stop him, motioning for him not to lay in bed as I walk towards him slowly.  “It’s not true John…I would know if it was.”

His hand lifts up to my face and he rubs me gently, leaning in to press a light kiss against my lips before pulling me into his arms and holding me against his chest.  “Baby, you have to trust me that everything will be okay.”

“And you have to trust me….what we saw earlier…what you saw…is not the truth.”  I pull away and run my hand down his face, capturing this image in my mind forever.  “That test was not positive…it can’t be.”

“Why is that?”

“Because God wouldn’t do to me.”

“Doc.”

“The only way to prove you wrong…is to see my doctor.”

“Okay.  When?”

“I’ll call tomorrow and make the appointment.  The sooner the better.”  I close my eyes when he kisses my lips and I squeeze him tightly in my arms, afraid that if I let go now….this time it will be forever.

XVI.

I don’t exactly recall what has happened to us in the last few months of this whirlwind relationship we created.  Correction, it is not a relationship…it is something entirely different that I just can’t seem to name right now.  I don’t even know what is happening with me and my life anymore other then I feel like it doesn’t really belong to me.  It feels like a game….some sort of battle to win back my love and affection.  I’m not up to playing these childish routines but I will admit that sometimes I catch myself playing right into the hands of this sick game we put ourselves in.

Not much to my surprise, John and I are being distant again, with good reason.  I couldn’t bare the thought of being pregnant with another child and I don’t think he appreciated my feelings regarding this pregnancy.  It’s almost as if he ignored every single word I’ve said to him in the past about having babies.  If I am not mistaken, I think I voiced my passion to stop procreating probably around the time of Jonathon.  And here we are, almost two babies later.  I say almost because that is exactly what it is.

I remember watching John when he realized I might have been carrying his baby again.  He thought I didn’t notice….he didn’t think I saw that smug smile and that proud face he carried when I sat there in disbelief about this baby.  He didn’t think I heard his voice perk up with excitement when he asked our son if he wanted a baby brother or sister, much to my dislike.  He didn’t think I noticed his hands passionately rubbing against my flat belly when we made love that night, or his words that he mumbled against the skin of my stomach.  He might have hoped I didn’t notice that he lost all control and climaxed quicker than I’ve ever known him too from the sheer excitement of another Black coming into this world of ours.  He must have thought talking about making love to me while our baby lay cradled within my body was a turn on.  I’m glad he was in denial because it certainly was not.  I think I was convinced it wasn’t true which is probably why it didn’t bother me as much as it should have.

I had no intention to make love that night….in fact….I was dead set against it but as always….when I am around John, all bets are off.

It wasn’t until the doctor visit that we fell apart. It wasn’t until those three little words that his world crushed into small insignificant pieces.  ‘You aren’t pregnant.’  I had already known the situation, I knew it deep down inside but he didn’t want to believe me.  He was hoping I was in denial, that I was the one with false hope but the tables turned.  I was determined to attend my doctor’s appointment alone, after all….it’s my doctor and this is a private matter which does not include him.  If you were to ask me why I didn’t tell him, that would be my reason for not sharing the date with him nor the location.

At first, he didn’t believe me.  He called me a liar and said I was playing a cruel joke and to stop the childish behavior.  I only kept my voice calm and even toned when I said I had nothing to lie about.  He had asked if he could speak with my doctor to which I allowed and gave both him and my doctor permission to speak about the appointment.

I didn’t see him that afternoon but that evening he stopped by with Damian, a very gloomy John who had no passion to talk about anything other then his son.  I welcomed that topic and was very appreciative that he hadn’t felt the need to discuss anything else.  He left quickly, kissing Damian goodbye and only pecking my cheek goodnight.  Without words, he left and drove off, I’m assuming angry and hurt.

We had an argument a few days later, he accused me of not wanting this pregnancy.  Well I can’t say accuse because he is right, I didn’t want this pregnancy and I still don’t.  He angrily spat hurtful words saying if I had the chance, I would have ended that pregnancy without so much as discussing it with him first.  I tearfully told him to stop with the false accusations and that I would never do that to our child or any child for that matter.  Of course, that simple comment lead to another accusation of me running around with Sam and possibly being pregnant with his baby.  And then of course it brought up Roman and what happened in the castle all those years ago.  The sad part of this all is that John and I never leave this vicious circle of jealousy, betrayal, and anger.   We will forever be trapped in it with no end in sight.  That night ended with me shoving him out the door and crying myself to sleep.

The next day or so, we decided it was best to stay apart and to simply move on.  We’re no good for each other and no matter how hard we try, we fail….each and every time. In agreement, we both will continue to be there for Damian and our other children but personally, privately, intimately…we can be no more.

I started talking to Samuel again….welcoming a new part of my life and for once….open to the idea of maybe taking it slow with him.  Before I was hesitant…convincing myself I wasn’t ready for a full blown relationship but I think I was finding any excuse to still be available for John…even if that was the furthest thing from my mind.  Yes, I dated Samuel but I couldn’t commit to him no matter how much I wanted to.  This time around, I’m determined to open my heart to him and give this thing with him a try.  I want to try…I want to move on…I want to try something new and see what else is out there for me.  I’ve been stuck in this circle with John for so long, that I forgot how to be me…I forgot how I function without John by my side.  I forgot what another man feels like.  Up until now….I never really wanted to.

Weeks had passed and I had grown quite close to Samuel.  Nothing sexual and our relationship hadn’t moved to any other level of intimacy other than kissing and maybe slight touching, if he was lucky.  As I mentioned before, I wanted to take it slow….I wanted to take it one day at a time.  He had respected my views and appreciated that I wanted to stand my ground.  I’m really glad that he welcomed me back into his life again…I’m happy he found it in his heart to forgive me for what I had done to him.  I never meant to intentionally hurt him, it’s just that John always got in the way.  This time it’s different though….this time John and I are no more and will continue to be that for as long as we are around.

It was Samuel’s idea that we go out for dinner tonight and enjoy the nice weekend.  I can’t say I was up for it but I didn’t want to crush his excitement and decline.  After all, it’s all about giving and not just receiving in relationships….I guess that’s the key that was missing with John and I.  Dressed in a fitted black cocktail dress, I slightly turned in the mirror to make sure that everything appeared to be in order.  I forgot I had owned this turtleneck sleeveless dress….I bought it over a year ago and hung it in the closet, planning to wear out one day but I guess I never got around to it.  Tearing the tag off, I zipped the dress up on my side and made sure that it fit to my liking.  Grabbing my slingback peeptoe stiletto pumps, I slipped them on and did one more turn in the mirror.  With my hair fluffed, feathered and layered, my makeup slightly darker then usual…especially on the eyes…I think I was just about ready for the evening.  Clasping on my bracelet, I walked out the room and made my way towards Damian’s room where he was entertaining his honored guest, Belle.

“Wow mom…look at you.  That’s a cute dress by the way….where did you buy that?”  She smiled at me as she held Damian’s hand as he jumped around while listening to that annoying music on this blinking obnoxious toy John had just bought him.

“Do you like it?  I don’t even remember where I bought this….I got it over a year ago.  It still had tags on.”  I laugh as I walk over and reach for Damian.  He is still much too entertained by the music to focus on me.  “Hey, sweetheart….give me a kiss.  Mommy’s leaving.”  I crouch down and meet him at eye level, pulling him into my arms.  “Are you going to be a good boy for your sister?”  He nods happily as he looks over at Belle and gives him the most dazzling smile I have ever witnessed coming from this small child.  “Mommy loves you.”  I pucker my lips and peck his wet lips softly as he hugs me intensly, throwing me off balance a bit which causes me to shift backwards.  Laughing, I place one hand behind me and balance myself on the carpet while tightly wrapping him with my other arm.  “Are you trying to knock Mommy over?”  Kissing him once more, I lift up and walk over to Belle.  “If you have any issues, give me a call immediately.”

“Mom….Oh Em Gee…you’ll always do this.  Will you relax…we are going to be fine.  Go…have fun.”  She snickers while slightly lifting from the ground to meet me half way for a kiss goodbye.

“Okay, I’ll be back around midnight or so.”

“Go.  I don’t care if you come home at 5 in the morning….just have fun.”  We both smile at each other as I look over at my son and blow him a tiny kiss.

“Be good my little one.”  With a quick wave, I walk out the room and make my way downstairs….knowing my date should be at my front door any moment now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I never expected to enjoy the single life as much as I am right now.  Actually I don’t think I knew how to enjoy life period without John by my side.  I’m glad I broke free from that jail cell that I put myself in.  For the first time, I am free to move on….free to sit back and appreciate the things I never could before.  I might love life a little more tonight…especially being at Samuel’s side.

I don’t find myself flinching when he runs his hand down to the small of my back.  I don’t back away when he tries to place kisses along the exposed skin of my shoulders or on my cheek.  I don’t even try to correct him when he introduces me to people as his date.  Before I would be quick to say that I’m his friend Marlena….now I don’t know…It just feels right being called his date.

Dinner had been amazing….one of the best meals I had had in a very long time.  It was also a new restaurant that recently opened up in town, definitely my new favorite place.  Samuel was ever so pleasant to simply enjoy my company and listen to me talk about my son and what was new in my profession.  I hadn’t felt this relaxed in so long….it might have been the alcohol that played a part in that as well.  I loved that he would reach out every now and again to take my hand and place a soft kiss on it…or hold it tenderly as we spoke.  He made me feel cherished….wanted…and cared for.

We had stopped by a colleague’s party after dinner, hoping that we wouldn’t end the night so quickly.  I wasn’t against it, in fact I was having fun.  I hadn’t really known his friend because we weren’t working at the same university hospital but much to my surprise, I ran into many other old friends and colleagues at this gathering.  I was quick to pick up a few wine glasses and start associating, sharing minor details about life and finding out what was new with them.  They were kind not to ask about my past…about John.  They might have known it would be a sore subject and simply chalked it up that I had moved on with someone else.  They did however ask about the kids, and were just as shocked to hear I had a toddler running around.

The gathering was amazing and I had been having a blast going back and forth with so many people.  I felt that nothing could affect the mood I had been in until someone tapped me on the shoulder and pointed towards the hallway of the entrance.  Turning slowly, I looked to see a tall man standing there, hand in hand, with a taller woman.  A woman I knew…someone I knew too well.  I turned back and smiled, shrugging to my friends and taking a sip of my wine.

“Small world.”  Brushing my hair to the side, I tried to ignore the elephant in the room and I knew it would be a matter of time before we both started looking at one another.  Deciding that I needed a refill, I excused myself and made my way to the kitchen.  Before I could get close to the doorway, I felt an arm reach out a snake around my waist as they pulled me close to them while laughing and conversing with other people.

“Where do you think you are going?”  He laughed against my cheek as he placed tiny kisses along my heated skin while I chucked and squirmed in his embrace.  To anyone else, it would look like I was flirting back and rubbing my body up and against him…but in reality…I was hoping to remove myself away without being obvious.  If there is one thing I prefer not to do, is to participate in public affection while you are still in mid conversation with someone else.  Personally I rather not get too intimate in front of others and right now, I feel like this is just too close for my liking.

“I need to go grab another drink.  You want anything?”  I smile as he shakes his head and leans in closely to kiss my lips.  Not wanting to make a scene, I allow the kiss but quickly stop it once he has pecked my lips.  He tries again and I smile, turning my head which brings his lips to the side of my face where he begins to kiss lightly.

‘Hey John….long time no see.  How have you been man?’  Those words will forever burn in my memory as I turned towards the voices to find the man that I saw earlier in the doorway.  The man I was hoping to dodge all night has officially found me and in a position I would rather he had not see.  My eyes burned into his as he stood there, his face showing signs of jealousy and discomfort.  It felt like hours as we stood there, staring at one another…neither of us acknowledging each other.  It was only after I turned my face away, did he turn his attention to the man who was talking to him and started conversing.   I thought it was the perfect time to escape to the kitchen for my drink but Samuel was quick to hold me still and to him.

John looked our way as he nodded at Sam, hastily saying hello while waiting for me to turn towards him.  “Marlena…how are you?”

Putting on the best smile I could, I looked up at him and then her.  “I’m great.  How about yourself?”

“Fabulous. Thanks.”  Without another word, he reached for his date’s hand and was about to walk away when I smiled at her.

“Kim, it’s nice to see you again.”

She was polite, after all….I don’t think she knew as much as Samuel.  “It’s so nice to see you as well.”  With that, they walked away and I excused myself towards the kitchen to down another drink…maybe even two.

A few hours had passed and it doesn’t seem like the party was actually dying down.  I managed to glance at my watch and notice the time but figured we could stay a bit longer.  I sipped on my drink again and started to look around the room.  Spotting John, I had noticed that he was watching me closely…trying to be discreet but failing miserably.  Within the last few hours, we have played more eye tennis than anyone in this room possibly could.  I’m not sure if Sam noticed but I think Kim might have caught on.

I also kept myself close to Sam during these hours, making sure to be near him and accept his affectionate gestures whenever he would give them.  It didn’t make John anymore comfortable….that I managed to see whenever Sam would reach out to hold me.  The room began to shift and it suddenly felt very warm in here.  I closed my eyes to try and adjust my sight but only to open them and feel the room tilting a bit.

“I’ll be right back…I need to use the ladies room.”  Giggling these words, I squeezed his hand and walked away, in search for the bathroom.  I quickly surveyed the room but didn’t notice John, figuring he may have had enough of my show and left.  Walking towards a stairway, I slowly looked up them and realized that I just might have to climb them to get where I needed to go.  Slowly, I held the railing as I started pulling myself up them.  Never had I thought climbing stairs would be a mission until now.

After what seemed like far too long to climb a simple pair of steps, I found a bathroom and began to make my way to the door when I heard arguing.  I shouldn’t be nosey and just walk in the bathroom but I can’t help it.  I stand still near the bathroom door as I continue to hear this woman, arguing about how he refuses to commit to her.  Only after I hear the voice of the person she is talking to do I step in the bathroom and close the door quietly, but still listen through the door.

I bite my lip when she accuses him of still wanting his ex wife.  She shouts that he can’t keep his eyes off of her and that alone spoke volumes in their relationship.  I hear him trying to deny it, claiming he is over me and that what we had is beyond dead and over with.  Then the room goes quiet and I assume, he must have convinced her to believe him.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous.

Quickly spraying some water on my face and going to the bathroom, I feel a bit more relieved then I did moments ago.  Not enough to drive or possibly jog down the stairs but better then I was before.  Opening the door, I watch as Kim shoves John in the chest and throws her drink at him after he turned to look at me and then at her.  She was quick to run out the door and only after glancing at me, did he run out right behind her.

He’s chasing her?  I thought he only did that for me. I start to feel a little sad about that.  I assume it’s the alcohol playing around with me at this point.

When I get back downstairs, Sam comes up to me frantically and asks if I am alright.  I quickly reassure him and ask what is wrong.  He explains that he has to leave for an emergency at the hospital and that he is sorry to cut our night short.

“Grab your purse, I’ll drop you off at home.”

“We’re leaving already?  I wanted to catch up with one of my friends.”

“I’m sorry my darling but I really need to run.”

“I can take a cab home…you go?”

“Sweetheart, I am not leaving you here and having you take a cab.”

I smile and rub his cheek.  “I honestly am okay with that.  I truly wanted to stay a bit longer and catch up with people.  Go ahead….go and call me later.”  He looks hesitant…almost like he wants to grab me and force me to walk out the door with him.  “Sam, it’s okay.  Go ahead…you’re wasting time.  I’ll see you later.”

“Are you sure?  You’re positive.”

“Yes, yes I am positive.  Now go before I get upset.”  I laugh and accept his quick kiss and as he hugs me and then says goodbye to others.

Making a face, I nod and walk back over to my friends who have been chatting away without me.  I reach for another drink and jump right in on the convo….determined to have a couple more drinks before heading home.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don’t actually remember what time I started packing things up or when I actually called a cab but apparently I did.  I also don’t remember how many drinks I had but my stumbling gives it away that I had far more then I anticipated. I managed to say goodbye to whoever was left at the party and quickly exchanged our information before heading out the house.  Reaching for the cab door, I pull it open slightly only for it to close again because someone presses the door closed.

“Thank you buddy….but she doesn’t need the cab.”  I watch this man lean into the passenger window and hand him a bill.  “For your trouble.”  Tapping the hood, I watch the cab pull of as I moan out hey towards the car.  The man turns around and looks at me, shaking his head and smirking.  “Let’s go.”

“John…what?  What are you doing here? I…”  I hold my head because I am beginning to feel a headache coming on.  “I thought you left.”

“No.”

“But I saw you.”  I shift my weight and stumble as I’m standing up, which causes him to bolt up to me and hold me still.  “I saw you leave after her.”

“Lets go.  I’m driving you home.”

“I want a cab.”

“You don’t know what you want right now.  Come on.”  I don’t fight him…instead I follow his movements and lean my body on his for support as we walk to his car.  When he slides me in and closes the door, I close my eyes and squirm in the seat, moaning softly about how comfortable I am.

“I love this car.”

“I’m sure you do.”  He closes the door and starts the engine with a touch of a button as he reaches for the radio and turns on a light soothing station.

“Where are we going?”  I turn to look at him tiredly as I bat my eyes heavily.

“I’m dropping you off at home.”

I groan and shake my head.  “No, let’s go out….let’s go dancing.  Oh maybe let’s go and grab something to eat.  I’m hungry.”

He laughs and turns to look at me.  “You don’t know what you want or need.  You need to be home and in bed.  Who is watching Damian?”

I scrunch my face as if I am trying to remember but in reality I know.  “Belle.  She is staying the night tonight.”

“Good, because I can’t imagine you tending to my son in this condition.”

“Our son.”  I smile and reach out to touch his face.  He squirms and moves his face away from me.

“Yes our son.”  He puts the car in gear and begins to drive away as I watch the houses drift away slowly.  I feel fabulous right now and I also feel like I am on an emotional high.  My body tingles with anticipation and I’m praying that John somehow touches me…even if it’s the smallest gesture…like his hand on my leg.

“John…John.”  I try to touch him but he moves away again.  “Why are you flinching?”

“I’m not…I’m trying to concentrate on driving.  Just sit there and relax…you’ll be home in no time.”

I bite my lip as I remove my seat belt and sit up slightly, moving towards him.  “John…do you still love me?”

“Marlena…stop this.”

“What…its a simple question?”

“Don’t play this game.  You’re drunk…you don’t know what you are saying right now.”

“I know perfectly well what I am saying and I am not drunk.”  I move away and sit against my seat as I look out the window while we both stay quiet.

“I could never stop loving you.  You’re the mother of my children.”

I turn towards him and look at him sadly.  “Is that the only reason why you love me?  Because you have to?”

“Marlena please…let’s not do this.”  He turns towards me and looks at me angrily only to turn his eyes back to the road.

“Well…you know…I still love you.  And not because you are the father of my children.”  I lean towards him and whisper these words into his ear…quietly…seductively.

“Marlena…stop.”  He tried to back away and pushes me down slightly with his right hand but I pull his hand away and press it against my chest.  He quickly removes his hand and puts it back on the steering wheel.  “Marlena, sit down.”

“John, don’t you want me anymore?”  I bite his earlobe as he squirms away again.  “You aren’t attracted to me anymore?”  He doesn’t say a word, which makes me wonder.  “Is it her?”  I’m starting to get upset but I attempt to mask my feelings.

“You’ll be home soon….sit down.”

I reach for his ear again.  “I don’t want to go home.  Take me to your place.”  I kiss his ear but he doesn’t fight me this time.  “You know, I’ve never seen your place.  Show it to me.”

“You’re going home and that’s it.”

“Why can’t we go to your place?  Does she live there?”

“No….and who is she?”

“Now who is playing games?  Kim.”  He laughs and shakes his head.

“No.”

“John…I want you.”  I try to kiss his face but he pushes me away.  “Take me back to your place and fuck me.”

“Marlena I mean it…stop it.”

“No John…I want you to.  I really want to do this with you.”

He angrily slams his hand on the steering wheel.  “Damnit Marlena…no you don’t.  That’s the alcohol talking.  We are done doing this.  We are done playing this game.  I won’t do this with you…not anymore.  We’ve moved on…leave it at that.”

I could cry but I won’t.  “So you have moved on?”  He doesn’t answer me.  “You moved on with her?  What am I saying…you’ve been moved on…with her…you just lied to me about it for months.”  I don’t move away from him…it’s almost like I am testing him.  If I can pressure him and play games with him, he will cave into me.

“You moved on clearly.”

“I have….but you’re still the only man I want in my bed at night.”  I start kissing his face slowly and his neck.  “You’re the only one that I want between my thighs.”  I start moving my hand on his chest but he rips it away.  “I’m not sleeping with him John…I know that’s what you are wondering.”

“Nope….I don’t care anymore.  We both agreed to move on.  Life moves on.  We are over….remember?”

“So you weren’t upset to see him holding me or kissing me tonight?”

“Nope.”

I laugh against his skin.  “Liar.”  I run the tip of my tongue along the outer rim of his ear.  “I promise you…you are the only man that I’ve slept with recently.”

“I could care less Doc.  Good for you.”  He is still ignoring me.  I stare at him and then move my eyes to his pants.  Biting my lip devilishly, I run my hand down his chest much to his dismay.  He fights me badly when I reach down for his pants but I slap his hands away.  I’m instantly rewarded when I feel his huge erection straining in his pants.  My centre instantly soaks itself with desire that I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like again to make love to him…with him…right now.

“Please….take me to your house.”

“You’re going home.”

“We can’t make love there like I want to make love.  The kids are home.”

“No Marlena…stop it.”  He shoves my hands away so roughly that I’m wondering if he is losing the battle to keep resisting me.  I look down at his pants and try to find his erection in the dark compartment of this car.

“Are you sure you want to take me home?”  I lean over to him and start undoing his belt buckle.  He pushes me away, well attempts to but right now we are alone on an empty freeway and letting go of the wheel to push me away can be a bit dangerous, especially at the speed he is traveling.  I manage to undo his belt and zipper and pull his erection from his pants.  My hand rubs its tenderly as I slowly go up and down his thick length.  “Doesn’t that feel good baby?”  Again, he doesn’t say a word but I hear his breathing has increased.

“Marlena, I am going to pull this car over and put you out this car.”  I laugh because that is the most ridiculous threat I ever heard.

“Then you better do just that.”  I lower my mouth onto him as I hear him groan while I tease his tip and circle my tongue against him.  I don’t intend to take my time but plan to make it painfully pleasurable that he has no choice but to take me to his house…or pull over to fuck me the way I know he wants to.  I begin to pump him softly with my mouth that I feel him lift his hips to meet me halfway with every suck.

I don’t know when he pulled his hand away from the steering wheel and placed it on my head but I know it’s there now and he seems to be enjoying what I am doing to him.

I only pull away to ask him a question.  “Are we going to your house?”

He grunts out a no and I place my head back down and suck harder, longer,stronger then I was before.  My hand begins to pump him quicker as I continue to suck the top of him as his moans get louder.  Pulling away, I hold him in my hand as I kiss his tip.

“Where are we going?”  Moving my hand quickly up and down his length…I see that he is trying his best not to close his eyes and kill us both.  “John?”

“Home”  He chokes out.

“Home?”  I ask quietly as I pump him harder.  “Which home?”

“I’m going to come…you need to stop.”

“Which home?”  I lower myself back to his erection and start sucking intensely as if it was my personal lollipop. Within seconds, I feel him explode in my mouth as I continue to pump him with my hand, milking every last drop out of him.  He moans uncontrollably in the car as I hear my soft suckles against his skin.  When I’ve softened him down, I pull up and start placing soft kisses along his neck.  “Which home?”

He takes a moment to collect himself and his breathing before he chokes out his response.  “My home.”

XVII.

Have you ever had a moment where the weirdest things can happen to you and there are times when there is no possible way for you to explain them, nor ways to describe how you even got into the situation?  Well, that’s pretty much me right about now.

My eyes slowly blink open to a somewhat darken room, a room I don’t know….a room that is pretty much a blank to me.  Most of my memory is a complete haze but I can only assume what has taken place, considering I’m laying naked beneath a dark gray sheet.  Blocking my eyes with my hand from the streaks of bright sunlight spraying between the small slits of the shades along the windows of the room,  I turn my face away to avoid the burning light.  I hoped that I could rest my eyes for a few minutes more but the sun isn’t helping, in fact…it seems to increase my already pounding headache by 100.

Throwing my head down into the down pillow, I try to think back and recall what has happened and where exactly I could be.  I’m pretty sure I know where I’m at but I’m also hoping it’s not the place of someone I prefer not to be with.  It takes me a moment or two to really force myself into the memories I’ve blocked out because of the alcohol induced coma I’ve put myself in.  Lifting my head again, I look around and inspect my surroundings.  Its a room I have never been in, its a bed I am for sure I have never slept in and my clothes…well my dress is thrown carelessly on the floor along with my bra and panties.  I close my eyes and hold my head, burying my face into the pillow again with hopes that the pain will fade quickly but I’m disappointed.

I hold the sheet to my chest when I attempt to sit up and look around the room.  I’m almost positive this is John’s home but I just need to be 100% sure before I shoot myself in the case that it is not John.  I distinctly remember flirting with John but the events that occurred are a bit hazy.  I turn to the empty side of the bed and pull the pillow to my face, inhaling the scent of his cologne.  Knowing immediately that this is John, I lay back down and close my eyes….attempting to recall the events from last night.

His car rings a bell….him driving with my head buried in his lap.  I remember begging him to take me to his house.

I also remember him being unable to make it all the way home and pulling the car over in an empty abandoned parking lot in the back of some factory.

It was quick and probably the most pleasurable two minutes of my life.  Our mouths were frantically sucking at each other as he pulled the driver seat back and pulled me to him.  I don’t remember much of what was said but I know he lifted my dress above my hips and slid my panties to the side.  He moved his fingers beneath me, sliding them back and forth to prep me for him.   I also remember him lifting the console and pulling out a small rectangular gold package.  Without words, he put the package to his mouth and tore it in half while removing the contents in it.  I’m not sure why he did that or why he even cared but I didn’t say anything at the moment…I was too tipsy to even hold that conversation.

It was within seconds of sheathing himself with latex did he slide me over him and lower me onto his shaft.  We both cried out passionately as he reached around and placed both of his hands below my backside and cupped me tightly while rocking my hips for me.  In this position did he guide every thrust I made, lifting his hips as high as he could possibly go from where he was seated.  He controlled my body, my movements, my hips and he moved it to the beat he wanted me at.  We bounced so roughly that I could only imagine what the car must have looked like from the outside.  Luckily we were alone in a darkened abandoned parking lot.   He came right after me, pulling me by my face and crushing my lips with his.  When he pulled out, he sighed a little before removing the condom from his penis and opening the door to throw it out on the ground.  Again, I mentioned nothing and simply sat in the passenger side…content and exhausted.

Somewhere during that ride did I fall asleep, completely drained from what we had just done and I’m sure the alcohol played a major part in it too.  He woke me up moments later as he gently rubbed my legs and told me we were at the house.  I don’t know if it was possible but I felt drunker than before.  I could barely stand on my own two feet when I got out the car that he swooped me up into his arms and carried me into his home.

Flashes…endless flashes of us together in his home continue to blink through my mind.  I see us against the wall, on the couch, on his staircase….in the bathroom….in his bedroom.  How many times did we make love?  How many rooms were we in?  I close my eyes and turn my head away, unable to recall each detail but knowing that I truly want to.

And then it hits me….as if I’ve been knocked off my feet by a tidal wave.  The images, sounds, conversations….all come rushing back and I suddenly feel as if I had stepped into a room and watched us.  My body feels heated from the memories that are playing and I sigh in exhaustion, knowing that what we did was not supposed to happen but I’m glad it did.

A noise captures my attention and I turn my head gently towards the sound.  I see John sneaking into the room quietly as he looks around for something on the dresser.  I see him place a small bag down and turns around to leave but glances my way before he does.  When our eyes lock, he smiles softly and walks over to his side of the bed and sits next to me.  Running a hand over arm, he smiles as I blink heavily and tiredly smile back.

“Good morning.”

“Hi.”  Tiredly, I yawn and bury my face into the pillow while adjusting to the warmth of the soft material below me.   “What time is it?” With my eyes closed, I can feel him shift as he checks the time.

“Its early still….7am.”

“Oh gosh…why are you even up?”  I laugh softly into my pillow as I turn my face away, suddenly feeling even more sleepier than before.

“I had some errands to run.”

“This early.”

“Yep.”  I feel his fingers run down my back and stop when it reaches to where the sheet is gathered at the small of my back.  “How do you feel?”

I sigh and open my eyes slowly…staring at the sunlight trying to skim past the blinds.  “Sleepy…and sore.”

He laughs lightly and starts making invisible circles on my back with his fingertips.  “I’m sorry about that.  How’s your head.”

“I think it’s still on.”  We both laugh as I try and readjust myself, grabbing the sheet and holding it to my chest as I turn around and look at him.  “I need to get home. ”

“Yeah…I’m sure Damian is wondering where his mommy is at.”

My eyes grow wide as I sit up and look at the time.  “Oh God, I didn’t even call Belle and let her know that I was not coming home.”  I am about to jump out of bed when John stops me, holding me still in bed.

“I texted Belle….last night.  Before…we even….you know.”  He looks serious when he says that but I’m not in the mood to read into it.  “She knows you are with me.  It’s fine.”

I smile softly and drop my gaze.  “Did we have sex?”

He starts chuckling and leans in to place a kiss on my lips.  “No, we just played cards.  Strip poker to be exact…and then you passed out by the last hand.”

“So, we didn’t have sex then?”  Smiling, I gather the sheet and attempt to move but he stops me from leaving.

“I have something for you.”  My face softens and I wonder what he could possibly have.

“You do?  What is it?”

“Something you might want.”  He watches me closely before leaning in slowly and taking my lips in a soft kiss.  Within seconds, the kiss begins to intensify as he pulls me closer and we both slowly lower ourselves down onto the bed.  His tongue is quick and persistent as it skims around mine, swiping every area around my tongue.  “I can’t let you go just yet.”

I moan into his mouth when I feel him remove the sheet from my body and his hand instantly falls along my breast.  “Haven’t you had enough?”  I smile into his kiss as he pecks my lips before lowering his mouth to my breasts.  His tongue circles around my nipple before he engulfs it completely and sucks aggressively against it.   I arch into his kiss as his hand snakes down my body and spreads my thighs gently.  With experienced fingers, he slides his fingertips up and down my folds while suckling against my breast.   “John, baby….easy…I don’t think I can anymore.  I’m sore.”  I cry out quietly into the air, which is odd because we are completely alone at his own home

“I’ll be gentle.”  He places one last kiss on my breast before moving to the other one.  “I promise.”

“Mm-hmmm”  I can only manage to hum this out as he begins to slide his fingers into my body, carefully and slowly.  I flinch and hold my breath when that usual dull ache takes place in my lower region….a big sign that my body has pretty much reached its limit.  “Baby..”  I cry out but I think he assumes it’s because I’m losing control.

I begin to feel the bed rock as I take quick notice that he is thrusting gently into the bed, another sign that he too is losing control.  His mouth leaves my breast as he begins to move lower down my body, kissing me slowly as he makes my way to my centre.  “Just relax Doc.”  He places small kisses against my moist centre as I dip my head back into the pillows.

“John.”  I moan his name out as he begins to kiss deeper, moving his fingers and spreading me apart for deeper access.  I feel my body shivering from the building orgasm as I press his face into me while lifting my hips higher.  One of his hands slide beneath me and cup me from behind as he pulls me closer to his mouth.  He leeches onto me and sucks aggressively over my nerve bundle as I cry out continuously, loving the fact that I can and because we are alone.  It sparks my lust even more because I am turned on by our mutual noises and moans.  “John, I’m going to….”  I moan into the air as I feel him suck harder, squeeze tighter while my hands reach down and cling to his hair.  My finger nails get lost into the short black strands on his head.  With one final kiss, I explode into a million pieces as I repeatedly groan out his name until my voice escapes me.

I barely am able to keep my eyes open when I see him move up, his lips wet and his eyes heavily coated with a lusty gaze.  His quick moves have his shirt up and on the floor while his hands quickly undo his belt and jeans.  “I need you baby.”  He whispers these words against my mouth, where I instantly taste myself to which I never thought was a turn on until now.  “Will you let me have you?”

“Have me?”

“Yes,”  Another kiss against my mouth as his pants shift below his hips.

“John…I need to get home.”  He starts kicking out of his pants and boxers, finally ridding himself of everything and kneeling above me, completely nude.  His hands start parting my legs as he grabs a hold of my thighs and slide me lower down on the bed.

“Shhh…one more time before you do.”  He lowers himself down on me and wraps my legs around his hips before taking my lips in a soft gentle and slow kiss. Together we kiss ever so gently as he grinds himself against me.  For moments do we stay locked in this embrace, neither of us taking full control.  It isn’t until I feel him adjusting his hips and the tip of him begins poking at my entrance.  Without using his hands, he allows his erection to find its way in while he stays on top of me, staring into my eyes the entire time.  “You’re so beautiful Doc.”  Without another word, he takes my mouth as he slides himself into me, carefully and gently.

I cry into his open kiss as I squeeze onto him, my nails clinging to his back and my centre on fire from the intrusion of his well endowed organ.  “John, baby…”  I try to tell him to pull away but I know that if he does, it’s over for us.  There would be no chance whatsoever of us making love again today.  Instead, I stay quiet and try to adapt to him the best way I know how…participate and rock my hips so that I can adjust quicker.

“I need you so badly.”  He bites my collarbone as he says this, moving his hips carefully by pulling away slightly and pushing back in.  “It feels so good to have you here in my bed…”  He places a deep kiss on my lips before pulling away.  “Without any disturbances”  Another kiss against my chin.  “Without our son…without us having to be quiet.”  He nips my lower lip as he continues to thrust slowly in and out of me.

I adjust my legs and widen them even more to accommodate his hips as best as I can.  It must feel wonderful to him because he sighs and drops his hips onto me even more.  “John, you feel so good.”

“Do I?”  He bites my neck and pushes harder.  “How good baby?”

I cry out louder when he pushes deeper, stronger.  “So good.”

“Do you know how sexy you sound?”  He begins to lift up on his hands as he finds an even pace and begins thrusting back and forth while staring down at me.  “Do you know how much it turned me on to hear you screaming my name last night?”  He pushes harder.  “It drove me crazy.”

I can’t find the ability to form a decent sentence because I’m drowning in this sea of pleasure he is bringing forth.  I bite my lip and stifle a moan as he pushes harder into me, into my centre.

“Don’t stop it…”  He leans down and takes my lips.  “Let it out….we’re all alone.”

“John…”  I bite his neck when he drops his body onto mine and cradles my head as he continues to plunge deeper.  He manages to give a few good thrusts when he pulls away and takes a breath, kissing my neck and collar until he regains control again.  He looks down at me possessively before reaching for my hands and pulling them both over my head.  With a strong hand, he pins both of my hands above me and holds them tightly to the mattress near the headboard.  I brace myself for what is about to happen.

Powerful, uncontrollable thrusting takes place and I scream out his name carelessly as he pummels away above me.  I can only imagine what we must sound like in this bedroom if some poor innocent soul were to walk in this house.  Shockingly his bed does not make much noise at all, although I can’t imagine why with this aggressive rocking taking place.  My toes feel numb as I dig them into the mattress below, attempting to arch myself and meet his thrusts half way.   I’m practically singing his name at this rate…endless terms of endearment for him fall from my mouth repeatedly with each move he makes.

I think he is losing his control because his movements have become erratic and fierce.  Our bodies collide together so furiously that my skin is reddening from the friction of his skin slapping against mine.

“John, baby…wait….not yet.”  I try to control him but he is determined to finish off right here and now.  “I don’t want to lose it yet.”  I can feel myself just seconds from being swept away.  I manage to release my hands from his hold as he pins his big hands along my face and kisses me roughly, biting my lower lip in the process.

“Turn over for me.”  I don’t even have an opportunity to do what he asks because he slides from my body and props himself up on his knees.  His hands go to my waist and gently lift me up to turn me over quickly, balancing me on my hands and knees.  We don’t speak, we only function with moans and movements.  I feel him slide back into me as I drop my head and call his name.  We last this way for only a few minutes as he drives deeply within my body, slamming into my centre uncontrollably as my body shifts wildly and unstably in the bed.  I do my best to hold my position and handle his force but I’m caving into the pleasure he is causing.  My knees are buckling and my hands are going weak…the energy in me is slowly fading and I can barely keep my eyes open from the increasing tingles taking over my body.

“I’m coming.”  I cry loudly into the semi darkened room as he pushes deeper within in, digging his fingers into my hips with each pull he makes.

“Who does this belong to?”  He slaps at my backside as he shoves himself back inside again.  “Tell me it’s mine.”

“John…”

“Tell me.”  Another slap and my hands cave, bringing my face and chest to the bed.  It’s over….I can no longer see straight as I moan endlessly into the mattress.  The dam has finally broken and my body releases the uncontrollable flow it’s been building.  I can’t speak….I can only groan unintelligible words that I’m sure John wouldn’t even understand.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don’t know why I continue to do this…why I continue to play this game that I know is deeply damaging and dangerous to us.  I should have dressed and left so long ago…yet I’m still here…sitting in his lap….kissing his face and neck as he holds me close.  I don’t know what time it is….I think he has been trying to distract me and he is doing a phenomenal job with that.  I should be home with my son….but for some reason I’m still with his father.

I fell asleep shortly after our first round this morning….unable to control the exhaustion that was threatening to put me in a coma if I did not rest.  I can’t say what John may have or have not done during my nap but I know when I mentioned getting home, he said Belle was taking him out to lunch and then by Sami’s to hang out with the kids.  I can only imagine what my daughter must be thinking…I’m afraid to even ask.

My body is moist and drenched in our mutual perspiration…my hair is tangled and wildly scattered along my back as John continues to rake his fingers through it and pull gently so that my head dips back and he has full access to my neck.  He bites and nips…there is occasionally some small sucking with an enormous amounts of kissing along the sides of my neck.  I look down at him and kiss his lips gently as we rock together, neither of us rushing the pace.  My legs circle his torso and my feet cross at his back as he sits up straight, rocking my hips in his hands softly while we stare at one another, occasionally sighing out our pleasure.  There is endless kissing, passionate kissing.  Kissing that I’m sure is confusing the hell out of us.

I don’t want to talk…I’m afraid if we do…reality will eventually creep up and ruin this moment.  What I do know is that once this is done…once I walk out of this house…there is no going back here.  Nothing has changed with us, at least to my knowledge it hasn’t….and after today, we move forward regardless of what is happening right now.  My feelings haven’t changed and I don’t think his have either.

“I need to go home honey.”  I smile into his mouth as I continue to rock my hips slowly above him.  He grunts when I move my hips a certain way and I thrust them again as he shuts his eyes and breathes in.  “Does that feel good?”

“Oh, yeah.  You need to stop doing that.”  He nips at my jaw before reaching for my mouth and sucking my lips.  “Why do you want to leave?  You aren’t having fun? Hmm?”

I shake my head and dip my head back as he yanks my hair and bites at my neck.  “It’s not that…I do have a child at home though who needs me.”

“I told you…he is out…he’s having a good time.  Just concentrate on me right now.”

I lift my head back and look at him lovingly.  “I’ve been concentrating on you.”  He begins to rock my hips faster and I close my eyes and lean my forehead against his as I begin to whimper.  “John….John.”  I try to contain myself but he’s distracting me.  “I don’t think I have anything left in me.”

He laughs and kisses my lips before closing his eyes and breathing in.  “Trust me…If I still have some…you  do too.”

“Yeah but you men build that up like every 5 minutes.”  I smile as he lifts his hips and reaches a new spot that makes me quiver in his arms.  “I really need to go after this.”

“No…not yet.”

“I’ve been with you all night…haven’t you had enough.”  His mouth latches onto my breasts as he sucks them softly before running his tongue along my nipple.

“”Since when have I ever had enough of you?”   He removes his mouth and releases my hips as he turns our bodies and lays flat against the bed.  I watch him carefully as he smiles sexily at me and reaches for his penis.  Pumping it lightly….he waits for me to make my next move.  “Crawl on top of me.”

Without words, I lazily crawl over him and mount myself above him while holding his penis in my hand.  Moving my hand slowly back and forth, I watch his face closely and look for signs that signal he is at his breaking point.  Leading him towards my centre, I slowly slide down on him and feel that usual tightness I always have when he moves into me.

My hands plant against his chest and I use him as leverage to rock my hips slowly above him.  He cries out my name…shutting his eyes and even swearing a little.  “Does this feel good?”  I always ask because I need to be sure.

“Like you have to ask…it always does.”  Breathless and panting…I know he is close.  “I want to come inside you so bad right now.”  I move my hips faster as he tenses up….squeezing my thighs in his hands and groaning out my name.

Memories start clouding my senses and I suddenly see myself in this same situation….this same room…this same position.  Visions of me on top of John…in this pitch dark room, wildly rocking above him as we both uncontrollably cry out our names.  I remember the bed shifting so roughly that you could hear his headboard hitting the wall from our frantic moves.  I can hear him cussing out from the pleasure he was feeling as he switched positions and rolled roughly along the sheets while he slammed into me…rocking my body to its core.  This must have been from last night….we clearly were out of control and animalistic….if memory is serving me correctly. I can see why I was so turned on though…John is an amazing man and can make any situation sexy.  I think alcohol and being completely alone with him maximized our desire last night as well.

“Oh baby, right there.”  My memory is interrupted when I hear John and look down at him as he squirms beneath me and lifts his hips to meet mine.

Lowering myself down on his body, I slide my hands above his head and kiss his mouth passionately as I continue to rock my hips above him as he mumbles my name against my lips.  He frantically grinds his hips against mine and just as I sit up to adjust myself for the big finale, he slips out of me and begins to lose his seed.

“Damnit no…wait…”  He is quick to grab himself and slide himself quickly back into me as I sit atop, stunned and silent.  He slightly thrusts and closes his eyes while holding my thighs and repeatedly saying Marlena.   I feel his hands move along my thighs then to my stomach before reaching up to touch my breasts.  He opens his eyes and smiles at me as he pulls me down to him to kiss his mouth.  “I’m sorry baby….you didn’t come?”

“I told you…I don’t think I have anything left.  It’s fine honey.”  I kiss him once more before crawling off of him and laying at his side, draping my leg over his hip area.  I can tell he is exhausted but he won’t admit it.

“Here…lay on your back….I will..”  I cut him off and push him back down when he tries to sit up.

“No John…I’m serious.  I’m fine…no more.”  He is hesitant at first but falls back.  “Just relax okay.”  I kiss his neck and close my eyes for a second before looking over him at the time.  I really need to get up and get ready.  “I need to get up.”

“Wait, wait…not yet.  Rest a little.”

“No John….I really have to go.”

“Just a few minutes more…stay with me.”  He kisses the top of my head and breathes in my scent as I rest my face along his chest, listening to his heartbeat.  I try to enjoy myself but this nagging feeling is telling me to get up and go home….I know that I need to…I know reality awaits me.

I suddenly think about Samuel and then my phone.  I’m shocked I haven’t heard it once…come to think of it…where is my phone?

I begin to move out of John’s embrace and I feel him shift as he asks tiredly where I’m going.

“I love you but I really need to go.”  I kiss his chin and slowly sit up as I pull my legs over the edge of the bed.  “Have you seen my phone?  I need to call a cab.”

“Yeah, it’s downstairs.  You left it on the coffee table.”

“I left it?”  I turn to look at him and he turns to me and smiles.

“Well I ripped it out of your hands right before I made love to you on the couch.”

“We made love on the couch?”  I know we did but I’m feeling playful.

“Amongst many other places.”

“Wow, I’m shocked you have any energy at all.”  I laugh and slowly get up off the bed and start gathering stuff off the floor.  Once I’ve retrieved my panties, I start to make my way to the bathroom when I feel John behind me.  I’m barely through the doorway when he grabs me from my waist and pulls me towards him.  “John, Oh my god…you need to stop.”  I laugh as I try to straighten out my dress so that I could slip it on.

“Want to shower first?”  He is biting my ear and I am doing my best to squirm away.

“Not with you in here.”  I feel his hands rubbing along my skin and I feel him grinding behind me as he runs his tongue near my neck.  “John, did you take a Viagra or something?  Why can’t you lose the urge?”

He laughs as he begins to fondle my breasts, which causes me to slap his hands away.  “No baby….this is all me.”  He bites at my shoulder before sucking on it lightly.  “I just see you and I can’t help myself.  I’m like a teenage boy around you.”

“Well stop it…because I really need to go.”  If he doesn’t stop, this is going to turn into an argument which is probably something we need right about now.   “John…honestly…stop.”

“Come on…once more.”

“No…you said that 4 times ago.  Stop it…really.”  I squirm from his hold as he stands there sadly.

“So this is the end huh?  We go back to ignoring each other?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”  I ask casually as I start putting on my bra.  Any chance of showering here is pointless because it just delays me further from getting back home to my son.

“That’s what you wanted.”

“We both agreed that John.  In fact, I think just last night…you were hell bent on taking me home and pushing me away.”

“And you wanted to fuck me so clearly we are on two different pages here.”

I shrug and reach for a wet rag so that I can wipe away the residue that I’m sure John has blessed me with.

“Well I’m sorry…I did.  It won’t happen again.  You were right to turn me away.”

He runs his hands through his hair…his face clearly showing signs of frustration right now.  “How about we not play this game anymore.  You want me just as badly as I want you.  You keep jumping back and forth Marlena and we can’ have that.”

“I couldn’t agree more…to which is why we need to stop this once and for all.”

“You don’t want to move on.”  I stop and look at him.

“Excuse me?”  I start putting on my panties as he turns and attempts to walk away but then turns back.

“Admit it…you want this relationship just as bad as I do…but you’re afraid.  You’re afraid you will get hurt.”  I comes up to me and stops my hands from taking the dress.  “I promise you I won’t hurt you.”

I reach up and touch his face, cupping his cheek.  “It’s not only that John…there is so many other factors that play into this.  What we’re doing isn’t healthy John…this right here is not normal.  We’re functioning only through sex and that’s not alright.”

“Then lets work at it.  Let us be a family again.”  He is upset….I can tell in his voice.  “I don’t like this anymore than you do.  I don’t think you should be sneaking out of bed and changing into your clothes from the night before to go back home…or calling a cab and walking out like I’m some one night stand.”  He looks disgusted and turns to walk away from me.  I don’t know what to even say but I know that whatever I do, won’t be what he wants to hear.

He comes back into the bathroom with a small bag that I saw him lay on the dresser earlier this morning.  “This is for you.”

“Was this the something you said you had for me?”  I smile, trying my best to lighten up the mood.

“Yep.”  I open up the bag and look inside and pause…unsure of how I feel about this.  “I’m sure it is something you needed.”

“Funny you should mention feeling like a one night stand.”  I pull out a small rectangular box and stare at it before holding it up and looking at him.  “How thoughtful of you.”

“I figured you would run out and get one anyway.”

I place the box on the counter and start adjusting my dress before sliding it over my head and zipping it up on the side.  “Thank you but no thank you….you can keep that for your next in line.”  I turn to the mirror and wipe the makeup from my eyes and smooth out my hair before turning away to walk out the bathroom.  He blocks me…something I should have expected.

“So you’re just going to take a chance?”

“Yeah John….whatever happens happens…right?”  I stare at him and then push pass him into his bedroom.  Reaching down…I find one of my shoes and frantically start looking for the other.

“So let me this straight…you completely freak out last time about a baby but now you are completely okay with it.”

“Where is my other shoe?”  I drop to my knees and start looking under his bed only to find emptiness.

“Marlena?”

“What John? What?”  I look up at him and see him slipping on his boxers.

“Was I out of line here?”

I shake my head and stand up slowly.  “No….but thank you for the Plan B package…not needed though.”  I pick up a shirt off the floor and find my other shoe…quickly putting it on.

“Shall I go out and buy you a pregnancy test then?”  I stop what I am doing and turn around towards him.  Walking up slowly, I stop and stare at him before slapping him in the face.

“You’re unbelievable.”  I start to walk out of the bedroom but he grabs me and pulls me back towards him.  “Why do you even care?”

“I’m being responsible.”

“Oh I see…then why weren’t you last night or this morning?”

“Hey I used every last condom I had…so I thought this would be the next step.”

I laugh and sadly shake my head.  “No, you’re next step should have been not to have sex anymore.”  Pushing his hands off me, I start to walk down his steps with him practically on my heels.

“Marlena…stop.  Look I’m sorry….I just know how passionate you are about not having anymore kids.”  I continue to ignore him as I search for my purse.  “Do you think I enjoyed using condoms last night with you?  I’m doing this for you…and only you.”

“Where in hell is all my shit at?”  I start circling his living room, lifting sofa cushions and pillows to find my phone and purse.

“Stop ignoring me.”  He grabs my wrist to stop me but I snatch it back.  “You know what…fine.  Go…but don’t come crying at my doorstep blaming me when you have my child sitting inside you.”

I have no choice but to laugh.  “You’re so arrogant it’s ridiculous.”  Finding my purse and phone, I quickly gather it and head for the door but he stops it from opening.  “Let go of the door John.”

“No…not until you go upstairs and take that pill.”

I don’t know if I gasp but I know I shifted from shock when he said that.  “What?”

“Just do us a favor and go upstairs…take the pill.  So no one is blamed for anything.”

“You’re an asshole.”  I try to open the door but nothing.  “Let go.”

“Marlena…please.”

“Oh all of a sudden you don’t want me to carry your child huh?  That’s a first.”  I don’t know if I am more upset that he is going out of his way to make sure I don’t have another one of his kids or that is being an asshole about it.

“I’m doing this for you…it’s not fair to you or to me to bring another child in this world.”

I push him away from me but he barely shifts back.  “Well…lucky for you there won’t be.  You can take that pill and shove it up your ass…I don’t need it.”

He only stares at me oddly….unsure of what is going on.  “What’s so different this time.”

“It’s not any of your business but I’ve been back on the IUD…for a bit now.  So like I said…thanks but no thanks.”  Reaching for the door, I swing it open and walk out.  “Oh and Do me a favor….stay away from me.”

XVIII.

I’ve been having this terrible feeling inside me for the last few weeks now….a feeling I am not proud to share but I can admit my wrongs when needed.  I know I should pick up the phone and call him….or at least send a message to apologize about my actions.  No, maybe the message is too impersonal.  I should probably call him….although I know he will have this nonchalant attitude about it which might upset me more.  I’m making too many excuses…I should just call.

I don’t know why I have the urge to call him all of a sudden but I feel the need to let him know that I am sorry for acting the way I did.  If I’m being honest, I felt apologetic the very next morning but the stubborn part of me looked for so many other reasons to remain upset with him.  He was only trying to help….there was no way he could have possibly known that I was back on birth control.  He was looking out and being responsible for both of us.  My eyes fall to the picture frame along my desk as I stare at Damian, who is happily sitting along the floor with the biggest laugh on his face as he stares upwards while the photographer snapped the picture from the angle.  I can’t help but smile when I look at this shot, a shot that was taken not so long ago.  How I adore his gorgeous smile.  More and more….he is starting to resemble his daddy…each feature starting to strongly take on the Black trait.  I reach for the picture and run my finger along the glass….wishing I could be with my son right now.

Damian actually surprised me the other day when he ran up to me and started yanking on my clothes, trying desperately to get my attention.  I had been scrolling through emails on my phone and I automatically assumed he had wanted my phone so that he could play that ridiculous game.  I promised he could have the phone in just a moment but he continued to pull on my legs, demanding that I tend to him.  I ducked down to meet him at his eye level as I had asked what was wrong.  He leaned forward and asked me in the cutest, softest voice….when he would be getting his brother.  I was so shocked that I froze and blinked at him, smilingly asking what did he mean.

‘I want a broder.’  He reached out and grabbed my belly, rubbing the space to find a baby.

‘Damian, honey….Mommy doesn’t have a baby.  Where did you get that idea, silly boy?’

He smiled and shrugged his tiny shoulders before reaching out to touch my belly again.  ‘Daddy said I get a broder.’

I couldn’t help but mumble out the words Damian shouldn’t have probably heard.  ‘Well Daddy lied to you.’  Damian instantly started forming tears and I quickly sighed and pulled him in my arms, kissing his head and telling him that we could buy him a new toy…anything he wanted.  He cried over and over that he wanted another brother to which I was tempted to call John and murder him for instilling that idea into Damian.

A few days had passed and I’d hope he would have forgotten the idea but he is persistent…almost to the point where I am borderline about to muzzle his tiny little mouth if he mentions another baby to me one more time. I’m getting to the point where I almost am agreeing to adopt another child just to hush him up….obviously…I too have moments of weakness.  So I’m glad ‘m at the office today…where I can escape reality for just a minute and concentrate on problems that belong to other people for a change.

I place the picture frame down and glance at the phone, biting my lip and wondering if I should do what I think needs to be done.  Deciding to suck it up, I lift the phone from the cradle and begin dialing his number when I hear a knock at the door.  Frowning, I place the phone back down and walk up to the door….opening it slowly and wondering where my assistant went.  I am greeted by two sheriffs as they stand in the doorway, with a clipboard in hand as they smile softly and ask me if I am Dr. Evans.

“Yes, what can I do for you?”

“These documents are for you….can you please sign here?  Your presence is requested at court.”

My eyes nearly pop out as I drop my mouth and look over the paperwork.  “Excuse me?  What is this?”

“Ummm…for the case regarding Basic Black.  John Black.”  The man looks at his paperwork in his clipboard before waiting for me to sign the documents that I have received the court orders.

“Are you kidding me?  What does this have to do with me?”

“I’m not sure Ma’am….we’re only here to drop off the paperwork.”  Once I quickly sign and hand it back to them, they smile and tell me to have a good day before walking away.

“What in the world is this?”  I start flipping through the documents quickly before throwing it on my desk and reaching for my phone.  If I was hesitant before….I surely am not now.

“Yeah…”  You would think he must have just spoken with me with the way he answers the phone.

“John…It’s Marlena.”

“Yep…I know.  Magic of Caller ID.  What’s up Doc?”

“Uh, is there something you want to tell me?”

He stays quiet….I can hear him talking to other people in the background.  “Not that I know of.  Can we cut to the chase Doc…I am in a bit of tight schedule right now.”  He sounds frustrated….his voice filled with tension with every single word he says.

I probably am the last person he wants to hear from so I’ll just have to make it quick.  “I received some paperwork today.  Documents regarding Basic Black.”

“Son of a bitch.”  He shouts angrily in the background as I hear him yelling for others to start making a move with the case.  “When did those documents arrive?  Court doucments right?”

“Yep.  They just dropped them off.  What is going on?”

“I can’t talk right now.  Can we meet later today?”

I look at my watch and frown slightly.  “I don’t know John…it’s a tough day.”

“Look…just pick a time…any place and text me.  I’ll meet with you later.  I’m sorry about this…I’ll explain it as much as I possibly can.”

“John…wait.”

“I gotta run doc…talk to you soon.”  He doesn’t give me a chance to speak up and I hear the line click as I pull the phone away from my ear slowly.

I check my watch again and notice that is about that time to pack it up.  I have an important appointment that needs to be met and I cannot waste any time sitting here wondering what is happening with John and his company.  I knew it was in trouble, going based on his arrest and so forth, but I’m still hazy on the details.  All I know is, whatever problem he was trying to hide…is about to explode into a million pieces and its taken us all down with him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I don’t understand what you mean when you say that the device slipped.  What does that mean exactly?”  I try to remain calm as I lay along the examination table but I’m really quite uptight with this whole conversation we are having.

Dr. Andrews begins inserting a tool into my centre as I close my eyes and take a deep breath…feeling him dig further for whatever he is looking for.  When he finally pulls away, I places the tool along with the contraceptive and places it along the gauze covered small table to his side.

“Well Marlena…it appears the IUD completely shifted and loosened from your cervix.  Did you not notice anything unusual or feel it falling?”  It’s an honest question…one that I truly feel dumb answering.

“No, I didn’t.  I only had some cramping, sometimes stronger than usual…but nothing that gave me the impression it was falling out.”

“I see.”  He frowns a little and then observes the contraceptive device on the small table.  “Have you had unprotected sex in the last month or so?”  I pause and try to think back when was the actual time I had sex.  “Uh, I think it was maybe a month and half ago, yes.”

“And there was no protection involved?”

I sadly close my eyes from embarrassment. “No.”  I am not about to tell him my entire confusing life story here.

“Well your cervix seems to be a bit inflamed from the device so we are going to have to remove it.”

“For how long?”

“Well…”  He sits down and starts removing his gloves, and lowering the blanket over my legs to cover me up.  “I was going over your chart and I wanted to talk to you about some other options.”  I don’t speak, I only nod and wait for him to continue.  “How do you feel about Tubal ligation?”

“I’ve considered it before…but decided to hold off…don’t ask me why.”  I laugh lightly as he smiles and continues on.

“Going based on your medical record, you are a bit older than the average women who get this done and I assume you are finished having children?”

“I am.”  I nod quickly, waiting for him to continue.

“This could be the perfect option for you…especially since the IUD seems to be causing issues in your cervix.  I assumed because you were so passionate about having that contraceptive, that additional children were out of the question…so my opinion…the tubal ligation would be the best option for you.”

I simply nod and smile awkwardly.

“So are we good with this idea then?  If so, we can get you scheduled and squared away for an appointment.  Its an in and out process and has very little downtime for recovery.  You can be on your feet and running around the very next day.”

“Okay…let’s go ahead and set that up.”  Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and hear the sound of his pen writing roughly against the crisp paper on his chart.

“Alrighty….I’m just going to do a few more tests and then we can go ahead and get you out of here.”  I feel him inserting another tool and a couple clicks are heard when I shift uncomfortably.  “I’m sorry…you seem to be a bit tender there.”

“Yes.”

“Before we can go ahead and schedule the procedure…I just need to do a few tests and then we are cleared away.”

“I understand.”

“Great.  First tests underway….pregnancy test.”  He chuckles as if something about this situation is humorous.  I feel him remove the tool from my body and begins to dig through drawers in the table.  “Instead of doing the normal urine test or blood work, I’m just going to do a quick vaginal ultra sound.  Do you know what this device is?”

“Yes, of course.  Go ahead and do what you must.”

Within moments, he turns on a machine and the lull of the motor in the machine can now be heard throughout the room.  I watch as he pulls out this long scope which looks more like a dildo to me then some medical tool.  After coating it with a light layer of lube, he gently inserts the device into my body and begins to look at the screen as he does a quick exam of what we both already know.  He pauses and glances at the screen and then hums for a moment, before moving the device a bit more.

“Sorry Marlena…let me know if I am hurting you.  I just need a few more minutes, okay?”

“Is something wrong?”  I ask as I try and lift my head towards the screen but can’t see much of anything.  He doesn’t say anything either as he stares at the screen then reaches out to hit a button which I assume zooms the image.  “Dr. Andrews?”

“I’m sorry….just a few more seconds.”   Now he is getting me nervous.

“Please don’t tell me you see something.”  My heart begins to pound as he turns away from the screen and looks at me, both of us wearing this expression that I can’t even really describe.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I place my finger along the illuminating button along the brick wall of the house as I stand there and

wait patiently for the door to open.  Within moments, he stands in the doorway….still dressed in his dress shirt and trousers as he steps back and welcomes me into his home.  We both stand in the foyer of his home quietly, I guess I am waiting for him to take the next step.

He quickly leans in and places a small peck on my cheek as he asks if I need anything before we begin to walk towards his living room area.  I’m quick to dismiss him but he feels the need to grab me a water bottle from the kitchen and returns with it, placing it in my hands and sitting along the edge of the couch.

I look around the room, taking quick notice of his tie thrown carelessly along the arm of the couch, his suit jacket hanging over the chair in the kitchen, his phone blinking and vibrating endlessly on the coffee table.

“Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it.”

I look up at him quietly and smile lightly….I’m much too quiet right now.  “No problem.”  Reaching in my large tote bag, I pull out the court documents that were given to me today.  “These were the papers that were delivered to my office.”

Handing them to him, he places his glass of scotch down on the table and begins flipping through the documents as he intensely reads each paragraph before reaching for his glass again and sipping the dark liquor.   I don’t know what else to do other than sit there and rock quietly in my spot as I stare at him while he continues to read the paperwork.

“John?”  He looks up at me after a moment and our eyes connect for just a second.  “What’s going on? Why do they want me?”

“Probably because you were married to me during most of Basic Black’s production…they want to see what you know. Nothing for you to worry about.”

I’m eerily calm.  “How can I not worry when the courts are asking me to be involved in a case that is determined to take you down?”  My voice is cracking but I don’t feel the urge to cry…at least not yet.  “You have to be straight with me.”  He doesn’t say anything.  “Do I need to be worried?”

“No.”

“You answered that too quick.  Be honest with me.”  I lean over my legs and reach for his hand, preventing him from taking another sip from his glass.  “I’m going to ask you again….Should I be worried?”

“I don’t know Marlena…..maybe.”  I nod and try to think of another question.

“Do they have a case?”  He pauses for what I consider to be much too long.

“They do…but for all the wrong reasons.  I have nothing to do with this.”

“Then who does?”  He moves his hand away and stands up, throwing the documents on the table angrily.

“I don’t know….”   Running his hands around the back of his neck, he tries to stretch out the tension but can’t.   I don’t know what to do but I know walking up to him and touching him would make all the wrong signals that I am not trying to make here.   “Are you still with Levin?”

“Who?”

“Richard Levin?  The law firm?  Does he still represent you?”

“Oh, yeah….He’s still my lawyer.  Well at least I think he is…I haven’t had to use him for awhile.”

“Good….excellent.  He is a great lawyer to have on this case…we are going to need him.  Get in contact with him…explain the situation and have him contact my lawyers.”

“Okay.”

We both stay quiet before he turns around and looks at me strangely.  “You okay?  It’s not like you to be this quiet?  I expected you to come in here, waving your hands and running your mouth at me about this paperwork.”

I smile weakly.  “No….I’m not going to do that.”  He continues to watch me carefully before walking up to me and sitting down beside me.

“What’s wrong?  Really?”

I shake my head and smile at him.  “Nothing….I’m just worried about this case….wondering about what happened.”

“I think there is more to it.  Anything happen today besides the obvious?”

I shake my head slowly.  “Well…we can start off by you telling me the truth first….about what happened with Basic Black?  How did this go down?  I probably need to know more then just the basics John.”

He turns his face away and stiffens his mouth…his jawline….his face.  “It’s a long story….I promise I will talk to you about it later.”

“How about now?”

“We don’t have that time.  You need to get Damian and I need to do a conference call with my lawyers in a few.”  I only stare at him when he begins to fidget with his hands.  “Where is Damian?”

“With Sami.”

“I see.”  He nods and then looks to his vibrating phone on the table when the normal buzzing is heard.

“How are you feeling?”  I’m honestly concerned about him…he looks worried…I can tell in his appearance…in his voice…even with his movements.

“I’m okay….taking it one step at a time.”

I decide it’s time to speak up….I need to ask.  “John….did you have any idea what was happening in your company with the books?”

He looks to me sadly and shakes his head.  “I’m the CEO….the goddamn CEO..and had not a clue what the books were showing.  I’m so damn stupid that I trusted people to handle this for me….I paid them to take care of this…and they robbed me…right under my nose.”  I reach out and rub his back because I truly feel for him….I never meant to cause him so much stress, especially when he had this over his head the entire time.   Which leads me to my next topic….

“John…I want to apologize about the last time we were together.”  He doesn’t look to me and it’s probably best because I can say what I really need to say.  “I had no right to go off on you the way I did…I was childish and immature and I am so sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry about it.”  He pats my leg before standing up.  I reach out to hold his wrist before he walks away completely.

“I never meant to hurt you…or cause you anymore stress.  I truly am sorry and I promise to never do that to you again.”  He smiles gently and squats down….meeting me at eye level.

“It’s fine.  I’ve dealt with you long enough to know that isn’t the real you.  This whole mess we have been involved in…that we are doing….has just made us crazy.  I realize now that it needs to stop.  We’re only making ourselves crazy and I can see that now.”

“You can?”

“I can….it really opened up my eyes the last time.  It’s for the best.”  He touches my face before standing tall and walking away from me.   I sit still for a few seconds…staring blankly ahead of me as I hear him moving around in the kitchen before he starts calling out my name.  “So, I want you to get in touch with Richard, possibly tonight…and have him contact my team.  The sooner the better.”

“Okay, I will.”

“The court is not for another two months but the sooner we prepare….the better.”

“What happens if this case fails?”  I slowly look towards him.  “What happens then?”

He stops what he is doing and shakes his head.  “Honestly….I doubt it would be good.”

“John….be honest with me.”  He stops pouring himself another glass and grabs it, walking over to me while sipping it slowly and then standing in front of me.  “Please be honest….what sentence are we looking at?”

He takes a deep breath before closing his eyes sadly.  “Most likely…life.”

My heart plummets into my stomach as I close my eyes and drop my head into my hands.  “You can’t be serious.”  I try to breath deeply before rubbing my face and looking up at him again.  “We have to win this case…No If or Buts about it.”  I look at my watch and realize that I should probably get a move on if I need to get a hold of Richard.  When I reach for my purse and stand up, he stops me and holds me by arms as he stares at me quietly.

“Something is wrong…I can see it.”

“You possibly going to jail for life is not enough?”

He shakes his head to dismiss me.  “No, no…there is more to it.  You came in here earlier with that same look and blank stare…what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…I’ll be in touch with you soon…as soon as I hear from Richard.”  Placing my tote over my shoulder, I smile and pat his chest before reaching for the door.  Her smiling face; that quickly fades…was the last thing I expected to see when I opened the door.  My first reaction of course…was to look back at John and then at her…before smiling politely and saying goodbye as I walked past her and out the door.

XIX.

I envy the world these days.  I envy the people whose only problems for the day is figuring out who will actually run out and grab a gallon of milk.  I miss my days that involved nothing other than going to work and listening to others talk about their issues…or coming home to sounds of my children and my husband.  Now…I can’t even bear it.  These days, I’m trying to find ways to escape it all….I’m not proud of that.

I could learn to drown out the noises of my everyday life….it would be so much easier to control my thoughts and manage decisions that must be made but my child needs me.  That precious little boy whose whole life revolves around me….I need to be there for him. I can’t imagine my life without him…and I don’t want him to ever know what life without me is like…or without his father either.

This ridiculous case is tearing me up inside, slicing away pieces of my sanity with every meeting, conference call, and arbitration that takes place.  I don’t know how John manages to keep calm and stay cool under pressure but he is doing a far better job than I am.  Maybe it’s because I am a psychiatrist…maybe its because all my years of observing and training…leads me to believe the obvious….they have a case.  A serious case.  A case that I’m almost sure can take Damian’s father away from us all.  I don’t know what part is eating me up inside more…the fact that we may lose John or my personal issues.

I’ve been avoiding John as much as possible.  Well I should rephrase that….I’ve been avoiding John privately, publicly I am there for him in every way that I can be.  I’ve been to every meeting, answered every question, and willingly documented my entire life with him, hoping that anything I can do will help him in the long run.

But I don’t think I mask my issues well….I know he knows I am keeping something from him.  He watches me closely every time I am around him…he observes how I dance around the issue when he asks if everything is okay with me.  I smile and tell him that everything is fine…I’m not lying completely but I need him to focus on this case…which is far more important.  He doesn’t believe me though….which explains his persistent need to pull me aside to talk to him.  This is also why I go out of my way to avoid him…because I can’t handle this pressure.

Samuel on the hand….is amazingly clueless to my problems and believes the stress I am drowning in, is solely because of this brutal case we are all stuck in.  He has been wonderfully supportive and I try to thank him everyday for helping us out during these tough times.  I’m not fond of leaving Damian with him but there are times when Belle is stuck at work or Sami is being pulled in a million directions when I need a last minute baby sitter…especially with being called last minute to the law firm every now and again.  John isn’t happy about Damian being with Samuel anymore than I am…and God knows if the tables were turned and Kimberly were watching my son….I too would be less than pleased.

Luckily today, Sami will be taking Damian to her house to play with the kids while I run to my doctor appointment and then for a quick lunch meeting with the team of lawyers and John.  Either one, I am not looking forward to but this is what has become part of my life.

The overwhelming sickening feeling in my stomach clouds my thoughts as I close my eyes and I try to regain control of my breathing, hoping that the dizzy spells will go away soon.  It takes a few minutes but I know eventually it will go away.  It’s been doing that lately….I don’t see why today would be any different.  I’d like to blame this all on stress….in fact, that would be perfect if it could be.

This morning, I spent my whole waking hours with my head buried into the toilet….unable to get rid of the nausea from the dizzy spells that come and go.  You have  no idea how hard it is to try to keep yourself together and be attentive to your three year old at the same time.  It feels terrible not being able to do anything other then heave into the toilet when your child comes up to you and is dying for you to give them your undivided attention.   It feels even worse when they are rubbing their small tiny hand on your back as you bury your face away, doing everything in your power to hurry up and finish.

I’m tempted to cancel this lunch meeting….I’m still not 100% this morning.  But I know that if I skip out on this meeting…I might miss something that could be crucial to this case.  Grabbing my bag, I reach for my keys and head on out…..knowing that life will move on whether I like it or not…so I might as well jump on board.

Within hours, I walk into this overcrowded restaurant….filled with successful businessmen and corporate tycoons.  Definitely a place I can see John mingling in with his business ventures.  My head is pounding and the noise level in this venue does not help either.  I quickly spot John and he stands and walks over to meet me halfway.  He immediately notices my discomfort and moves in closely to ask me what is wrong.  I put on the best smile I can, and simply say that it’s a small headache…nothing that can’t be handled with a pill.   With a hand on my lower back, he guides me to our table where I shake hands with his lawyers and then sit myself down.

Conversations begin to take place and I do my best to focus on the topic but my mind is jumping back to my appointment.  Flashbacks begin to playback in my mind as I sit on the table while my doctor stares at me intensely.

‘Marlena, it is imperative that a decision is made as soon as possible.  Time is not on your side and we need to act quickly.’

I close my eyes at the thought and the room suddenly begins to feel humid and over packed.  I close my eyes and take a deep breath, knowing this is the start of an anxiety attack.  I feel his hand on my back and his lips to my ear when I try to focus on my breathing.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.”  I keep my eyes closed, hoping to maintain my breathing in one even pattern.

“John, shall we take a break?”  His lawyers I assume have caught on to my reaction and I hear John tell them to give them a few before pulling me closer to him.

“Marlena, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…just a headache.”  I lie badly….he knows it too.

“Don’t give me that….something is wrong.  Tell me.  Do you feel sick?”

I can’t even speak at this point…I’m starting to feel nauseous.  “I think I need to use the restroom…excuse me.”  I try to stand but my legs feel wobbly as I quickly lose my balance.  John is quick to grab me and hold me up as he looks at the table and excuses us.

I don’t know how I made it into the bathroom but I did.  With my head in the sink, I try and splash a little cool water on my face to calm my heated skin.  I’m barely able to keep my eyes open as I feel myself growing sick again.  I don’t even know where John is but I assume he is outside the door.  My legs feel heavy when I try to move to the bathroom stall but I do…and drop to my knees.  I don’t even know how long I am in there but I do know that everything around me goes dark and all noises come to a complete stop.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My head pounds badly as I wake to a brightly lit room, the sounds of beeping and the hum from an air blower filling the room.  I can’t exactly say for sure where I am but I can assume where I must be, going based on the uncomfortable bed I am laying in.  I look over slowly towards the door, hoping that I can figure out once and for all where I am at.  Clearly, I am in a hospital…a place where I would have preferred not to be.  The pain in my head is much too unbearable for me to even try to sit up or move, so I simply close my eyes and rest my head back as I try to think back to what could have happened earlier.  Everything is blank.

I hear the door open and I the sounds of two people talking can be heard before it goes silent again.  Turning my head gently, I look to the door and see the worried face I was expecting to see.  John smiles softly as he walks over to the bed and leans down to grab my hand.

“Hey you….how are you feeling?”  His voice is soft….laced with heavy concern at the same time.

“Horrible?  My head is killing me.”  My voice is cracking….my throat is dry.  Something about hospitals…it does that to you.

“Is it?  Want me to go get the doctor?”

“No..no it’s fine.”  My head pounds harder.  “What happened?  How did I get here?”

“Well…”  He pulls up a chair and sits next to the bed, still holding my hand.  “I was hoping you would tell me what happened.  I had been waiting for you in the hallway after you went into the restroom.  You were taking a while but i figured you were just regaining yourself.  It wasn’t until I heard a woman scream in the bathroom after walking in, that I ran in there and found you slumped over the toilet.”

“Really?”

“Yeah….so I had someone call the ambulance to bring you in.”

“Fabulous.  I can never show my face there again.”

“Hey…don’t you worry about that.  How about you tell me what is going on.”  I look up at him tiredly and sigh.

“Nothing…I’m probably just beyond stressed and simply had an anxiety attack is all.”

“No, stop it right there.  Let’s not do this.  Something is clearly wrong and I think you should tell me.”

“John…please, stop.  I can’t handle a discussion right now.”  I feel the pain increases with each second before I close my eyes and breath.  The pain suddenly begins to throb in my belly and my hand instantly goes there and squeezes the sheet there tightly.  “Marlena, honey…what is it?”  The pain begins to come in waves and I whimper out in pain as I feel myself losing breaths.

“John…get help.”  I am barely able to say those words as I hear him shout for a doctor, unable to leave my side in fear of what could happen.

Within moments, I feel hands on me as a nurse places an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose while the doctors try and lay me back as they begin observing my vitals.

“Tell me where it hurts?”  I can’t be sure who is asking and I am not even sure I can speak.  I simply hold my stomach and mumble my abdomen.   “Can you please have Mr. Black wait outside?”  I assume nurses lead him out the room as they begin to check machines and start bringing in syringes.  “We’re going to give you something to ease the pain…just relax as much as possible okay?”

Before I can even register what is happening, I feel the room spinning before it goes quiet and everything drifts away.

My eyes blink open as I see John, sitting back in the visitor’s chair as he looks at me, worriedly.  His face shows every sign of stress…ten times more then it did earlier today.  He doesn’t speak…he only sits up and moves closer until he is leaning over the edge of the bed towards me, and holding my weak hand in his.  “Hi…”

I smile tiredly as I mumble hi back.  “What happened?”

“I don’t know…they have you some pain medication and that put you to sleep.  You okay?”

I nod and close my eyes for a minute…only to reopen them.  “Is Damian still with Sami?”

“Yes of course…don’t worry about that right now.  Concentrate on getting better and resting.”  I nod again and squeeze his hand in mine.   “Marlena, baby…I need you to tell me what is going on.  And don’t give me this stress thing because that isn’t it…there is more and I think I need to know.”

“John…not right now.”

“I won’t push you right now…but I need to know.  Something isn’t right here….I want you to be comfortable enough to tell me.”

“John…you don’t need to be concerned about me.  We aren’t together anymore.”

“Don’t give me that Marlena…you are the mother of my children…I will always care for you.”  He leans down and places a soft kiss on my forehead.  “Get some sleep….we’ll talk later.”  I feel him hold me tighter as I close my eyes and feel some tears trickle down my cheeks.  I know I have to tell him eventually….I just don’t know how.  I’m not even sure if I have convinced myself on what to do.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“John, can you please just go and pick up Damian.  I would prefer you be with him then sitting here.”  I really am not trying to start a fight but I don’t want John here watching me like a hawk.

“No, I am not leaving until I hear from the doctor that you are fine and will be released home.”

“No….please just go.”  I hold my stomach when I feel another pain and take a deep breath.  John is quick on his feet as he stands over me, asking me if I am alright.  “I am fine…just please…can you check on our son?  I feel horrible that neither one of us is with him.”

“Once I hear from the doctor that you are okay…I will go get him…yes.”

“John, no.”  I try really hard not to raise my voice but he is not helping the matter by being stubborn.  “The doctor won’t tell you anything anyway.  You are not my husband…you have no relation to me whatsoever.”

He looks pained by that remark.  “No?  I’m your ex-husband…I am the father to your children.  Don’t tell me I have no such relation.”

“Yes, because that alone will give clearance to my doctors to tell you everything about my medical chart.  Just please…I’m not trying to be difficult…I just want my son to be with one of his parents.”  He looks at me angrily but stands up and throws his hands in the air before placing them at his sides to walk away.  As he is walking towards the door, Dr. Andrews walks in with my file and looks at John.  John is quick to stop and walk back over to the bed.

“Marlena…how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”  Looking up at John, I see he has no intention to leave this room.  “John?”

“Doctor, how is she?”  He ignores me and looks over at Dr. Andrews who looks down at my file and then at me before looking towards John.

“Dr. Andrews…you remember John, don’t you?”

“I do…it’s nice to see you again Mr. Black.”  He smiles and looks back towards me as he waits for me to take the lead.

“Likewise.  How is she doing?”

Dr. Andrews pauses for a moment and looks to me again before looking over at John.  “I actually just came in here to do a quick exam….if you don’t mind, can you step out for a second?  I need to do a quick check and ask Marlena a few questions.”

John looks upset, maybe even a little hurt but I am sure he understands.  He starts to walk away but I stop him.  “Wait, John…stop.  Dr. Andrews….you can go ahead and do your exam and say what you need to say in front of him…it’s alright.”

My doctor looks at me with an expression that I can’t really explain.  “Are you sure?”

I nod and look at John.  “I am.”  Dropping my eyes from John, I look down at my hands that are resting in my lap as my doctor begins to speak.  I guess I am waiting for the bomb to drop.

“Going based on your test results….it’s not looking good and we need to really sit down and start making decisions here.”  John moves closer to the bed as I look up at the doctor and mouth the words…I know.

“What’s the problem Doc?”

I assume he is talking to my doctor but I quickly realize he is looking at me and asking me about this.  I don’t answer him, I only look to my doctor and nod my head.  John turns towards Dr. Andrews who then places the file down at the edge of the bed and takes a breath before looking over at me and then back at John.

“During an exam, we found something that isn’t exactly good news.”  John moves closer to me as he begins to clench and unclench his fists.

“Well…”

“We found a tumor in her uterus.”  John stops and looks towards me as I turn my face away.

“Okay well let’s get in there and test it…remove it…do what needs to be done.  What is the hold up?”

The doctor makes a face and then looks at me as he says his next words.  “I’m afraid it’s not as easy as that Mr. Black.”

John looks confused.  “Why not?”

“Because we also found something else that complicates the situation entirely.”

“Which is?”  John sounds like he is getting upset.  He looks toward me as if I am about to explain but I only turn away again, this time he notices the tears running down from my eyes.  “What did you find?”

“Marlena is pregnant….about 6 weeks along now.”

XX.

When did my life become so complicated?  Whatever happened to just simply being normal and living the happy life that we all were told about since the beginning of time.  No, that doesn’t happen in my book and I can’t help but wonder if the chapters in my life will only get worse going forward.  I thought I had already hit rock bottom….I guess I was wrong.

I wish I could crawl under this blanket and shield myself away from the looks and concern that cover both my Doctor and John’s faces as they stand there….silent.  It’s only been a couple minutes since the news broke but in those couple minutes….the room has gone into complete dead silence.  I know John must have a million questions….half of those are probably for me but I can barely look him in the eye, let alone answer each question that he has every right to know.  I quietly wipe away the tears that have fallen down my face as I stare at the patterns of the crocheted blanket that drapes across my stomach and legs.

The small beeping of the machine can be heard which oddly has become a comfort in the last few minutes, since this awkward silence had taken over the room.  Dr. Andrews looks to me and smiles weakly as he walks over to check the machine and then asks if I am feeling alright.  I only nod and do the best I can to force a small weak smile before looking over at John…who is simply standing still….eyes to the ground…his frame completely frozen…his face; devastated.

“I want do a quick exam.  Do you want Mr. Black in here during that?”  It’s an honest question…I can’t push John away now that he knows about the baby.

“It’s fine…go ahead.”  I close my eyes as I feel Dr. Andrews checking my stomach, placing his fingertips along my skin before looking back at the machine to make sure my vitals are matching.

“I want to check the baby…it will be a quick ultrasound.”  I shake my head and drop my eyes towards my lap.

“Don’t.”  My answer makes John turn his head quickly over to us as he looks on in confusion.

“I’m sorry?”  Dr. Andrews is a bit confused by my response.

“Don’t check the baby…it would be pointless anyway.”

“Marlena…”  John is clearly confused as he starts to walk over towards us.  “Stop talking like that…he needs to check the baby.”  I begin shaking my head which causes John and Dr. Andrews to look at each other.

“I’ll give you two a few minutes….I’ll be back in a bit.”  Dr. Andrews quickly leaves but pats John on the arm before walking out the room.  John still hasn’t said a word about this whole issue and I’m too nervous to even start the conversation…so instead….I remain still and silent.

John stares down at me as he walks over to the guest chair and moves it slightly closer before moving it back to where it was in the first place.  He is panicking….I can tell.  He hesitates for a second before sitting down slowly and dropping his head, sighing deeply.  I still haven’t said a word…I only watch and wait…wait for what is about to happen next.

“Why didn’t you let him examine the baby?”   It’s a logical question…one I don’t have the appropriate answer for.

I shake my head…attempting to speak but realizing quickly that nothing is coming out of my mouth.

He looks up at me and watches me struggle.  “Why?”

Finally managing to whisper the words, I mumble his name.  “I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because there is no point John…this baby is going to die anyway.  It won’t survive this.”  I immediately burst into tears as I place my hands over my face.  “What would be the point of both you and I watching this baby on the screen only to know we’re teasing ourselves.”

“That’s not how is has to be Marlena.”

“No, but that is the way it will be for us.  Nothing ever goes smoothly for us…ever.”

“That’s not true Doc and you know that.”

“No?”  I look up at him through my tears as I start counting the many times we have been let down.  “Our marriage?  Jonathon? Basic Black? This baby?  This tumor?  Which part sounds happily ever after to you?”

He doesn’t know what to say…he only drops his head and listens to the soft sobs that escape me. “What about Belle?  Damian? What about them?  You wouldn’t call them blessings?”

I simply cry even more as I cover my face with my hands, unable to handle the pressure that I am feeling.  “You know what we had to go through just to have them here….it wasn’t a smooth ride John.”

“But it wasn’t a tragedy either Marlena.”  I turn away because I don’t want to look at him…I’m too weak to even have this discussion.  Silence yet again.  “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”  I decide it’s best to stay quiet.  “Hmm, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”  He looks up at me….for the first time…I can see in his eyes that he is just as scared as I am.

“Because…I didn’t want to add more to what was already happening.”  I can’t find the right words I want to say.  “I just didn’t think it was fair to add another issue to the chaos that was already going on with you…with us.”

“Another issue huh?”  He smiles before shaking his head and dropping his gaze.  He quickly gets up and starts pacing the hospital room before walking to the end of the bed and staring at me.  “This just isn’t any issue Marlena…this is serious.  You should have came to me and told me about this…the minute you found out…regardless of what was happening.”

I immediately feel the tears starting to burn my eyes again.  “I know…I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care how much chaos is going on right now with the business…this is far more important than anything else.”

“Even more so than going to prison?”

“Damnit Marlena…Yes.”  We both are silent….I’m not sure this is the appropriate place to argue.  “When did you find out?”  I shake my head because I don’t really want to talk about it…I know he will be upset.

“Is it important?”

“You know it is to me.”  He starts pacing again.  “So when?”

“The day I received the court documents….that’s when I found out.”

He pauses….closing his eyes and smirking to himself.  “I should have known….I should have read the signs but I trusted you when you told me everything was fine.”  He walks back over to the guest chair and plops down on it.  “I knew something was wrong….I could see it in your face.  But you told me it was nothing….nothing at all.”  He is upset.  “And I believed you.”

“John, please don’t be upset.”  I do feel bad…but I didn’t do this to hurt him.

“How can I not be?”

“I wasn’t even sure how to deal with this myself…there was no way I was going to be able to sit you down and explain it to you if I was already in denial.”

“So what now?”  He claps his hands together and stands up….deciding to sit on the edge of my hospital bed.  “We’re going to run some tests?”

I shake my head slowly as I look away.  “I don’t know.”

“Hey…”  I feel his fingers under my chin as he turns my face towards him.  “Look at me.  I’m in this with you.”

“No you’re not….I’m in this alone…you’re just a spectator.”  I turn away again and feel the tears spilling from my eyes as I lean my head back against the pillow.  A knock on the door steals his attention as he shouts for the person to come in.  Shocking…it’s my doctor.

“Dr. Andrews….we were just discussing the options here.  What’s the next step here?”  Dr. Andrews looks to me for permission…he knows that this issue is between doctor and patient and since John isn’t my husband…he technically shouldn’t even be involved.  I could say to have John removed and that he should not discuss anything with him…but I’m scared…and I simply need John by my side to give me the courage and strength to move forward with the next steps.

Nodding my head at Dr. Andrews….I prepare myself for the conversations that are about to take place.  My hand falls to my belly as I begin to ponder about the decisions that will need to be made…decisions I could have gone my whole life without needing to worry about…but that’s not our life.  Our lives are not meant to be simple…just look at our past.  Nothing has ever been easy for us….even with us being together…it just can’t be done.

“Well…Mr. Black…”

“John…please.”

Dr. Andrews looks hesitant but sits along a stool that is near the bed and places my file along the end of the bed.  “It’s a difficult situation John.  Going based on what we have seen, the baby seems to be progressing well and so far…the tumor isn’t affecting the baby or vice versa.”

“Okay…that’s good news.”

“Yes, but that’s not to say it will be like that throughout the entire term.  Our concern is that we obviously want to get in there and do a biopsy on the tumor…with hopes that it is not malignant.”

“Okay…why hasn’t that been done yet?”

“Because…”  I finally speak up as both men look towards me.  “Because the nature of this pregnancy is not exactly a normal circumstance and is considered a high risk pregnancy.”  Having a feeling that John may not completely catch on to what I am trying to say, I look him in the eye as I sadly whisper the words I rather choke on.  “Anything intrusive into the womb can and will harm the pregnancy.”

“Not exactly Marlena.”  Dr. Andrews cuts in as he scoots closer to me.  “There are ways to go around this. Yes it will be intrusive and slightly risky but it doesn’t mean that it will harm this pregnancy.”

“Yes it will.”  I try to stop the tears as they begin to fall.  “I know it will.”  Dr. Andrews looks tired as he shakes his head and sighs.

“You have to trust me on this Marlena.”  He reaches to touch my hand.  “We won’t do anything that we think will jeopardize both you and the baby.”

John finally speaks up and breaks the uncomfortable conversation both Dr. Andrews and I are having.  “What happens if the tumor isn’t benign…then what?”

I know that sigh anywhere….that sigh that speaks louder than any words he can possibly try and come up with.  That sigh that basically gives you your death sentence before you can even mumble out a single syllable.

“Then….we take the next steps.”

“Which are?”  John moves closer to the bed as I look up at him and smile weakly.

“Which will then be up to Marlena from that point on.  She will need to make decisions on how she would like to go about her treatments.”  I do believe John has finally lost his courage to be a hero.  He sits down roughly into the visitors chair and drops his face into hands, shaking his head slowly.  I do feel sorry for him but I can’t comfort him anymore than he can comfort me right now.

“Let’s start those tests.”  John breaks the silence after moments of silence.

“Dr. Andrews….can you give us a moment, please?”  I think Dr. Andrews understands because he is quick to stand and walk out the room.  I’m not sure how I am going to start off this conversation but I know that I must.  “John, you can’t make these decisions for me.”  I’m not trying to be mean…but I am trying to get through to him that this is not his life…and it’s not his choice.  It’s solely up to me on how I would like to go about all of this.

“Doc…please.  Let’s not start on this, okay.  We need to get this done…this is important.”

“I know…I’m not disputing that.  But I’m just not sure on how I want to go about this right now.”

He looks stunned….I do probably sound like a complete moron.  I’m just so confused that I can’t even put it into words.  I don’t want to harm the baby even though I know it won’t survive anyway.  I’m completely torn and I just don’t want to face this…but I know that’s not an option right now.

“What do you mean you don’t know how to go about this?  We need to find out what is happening?”

“Whatever it is…whatever happens will still leave a hole in my heart from the damage it will cause.  I can’t face this.”

“We don’t have a choice.  Let’s just get the doctor back in here and do what we need to do.  I’m sure everything will work out just fine.”

“You don’t know that.”  I look at him sadly….I don’t know how he finds the energy to stay so hopeful.

He stays quiet for a second before walking up to me and sitting on the bed,  Grabbing my hands, he holds them tightly before whispering to me with a smile.  “I do…and I know we’re going to be okay.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My body feels groggy as I lay against the bed sheets, my eyes heavy and weak…my insides sore and stiff.   My hand immediately falls to my stomach as I start to look around the room slowly when I feel John’s hand on top of my hands.

He smiles weakly as I try and stretch only to close my eyes for a few seconds.

“How do you feel?”

Without even opening my eyes, I turn my head towards him.  “Tired.”

“I’m sure.  They said the meds probably wouldn’t wear off for a while.”

“They sure are working.”  He laughs, I can only manage a small smile as he squeezes my hand.  I quickly open my eyes as I remember why I am drowsy.  Unable to make quick moves, I turn my head to him and hold his hand tightly to my belly.  “How’s the baby?”

He’s quick to reassure me as he moves closer and places a small kiss on my forehead.  “The baby is doing good.  The test went very smoothly…we’re just waiting for the results.”

We both stay quiet, listening to each other breathe and the soft beating of our heartbeats.  More then likely, we’re too afraid to speak of anything else that may not be good news.

“John….what if the test results are…”

“Shhh…”  He holds my hand tighter as he presses his lips to my fingers.  “Everything will be just fine.”

I can’t help his denial…I know he is doing his best to stay positive even though he knows there is a chance this may not be what he wants to hear.  He looks up at me and we simply stare at each other.

I’ve missed those blue eyes.  I’ve missed those lips…that face…I’ve missed everything about him.  I wish we could have gone back to the way we were….but those days are over.

There are times I wish I could wake in his arms….times where I wish I could stay locked in his embrace without ever having to face the real world…but I know it’s not possible.

“So tell me Doc….how did this happen?”  He seems playful.

“How did what happen?”  He places his hand on my belly and rubs it gently as he smiles.  God, how he could he be so happy about this baby, knowing that there is a high chance it may not survive.

“Oh, it’s pretty simple actually.  We had sex.”  He laughs as he adjust himself along the edge of the chair he is sitting on.

“You don’t say.”  He lifts my hand and places my knuckles to his mouth where he places a tiny kiss there before looking into my eyes.  “Seriously…how did this happen.  I thought you mentioned you were on birth control.”

Dropping my gaze, I adjust the sheets along my legs as I clear my throat a little…all of a sudden I seem to have an itch there.    “Well I was…”

“I can tell.”  He is smiling so happily…I’m glad to see one of us is.

“Truly….I was.  I started to have some cramping which I thought was unusual but didn’t think of anything other than it being minor symptoms.  Well it only got worse as weeks progressed to the point where I went to the doctor.  That’s when he told me that the IUD had been shifted and most likely was not active for the amount of weeks that I started experiencing the pain.”

“So you were in pain during the times we had made love?”

“Not entirely…but it would come and go.”

He nods and runs his fingers along my belly, much to my discomfort.  “So that’s when this little one was conceived.”

“That would be my guess, yes.”

“So wait…was it that night? That night after that party?”

“Or that morning.”  I smirk and begin to play with the sheets along my lap as I raise my eyebrows.  “I believe so.”  We both stay quiet for a second before I decide to speak.  “I guess I should have taken that pill you bought me…we wouldn’t be sitting here in this predicament, if that was the case.”

“Hey, come on….don’t you say that.  I was an idiot for ever buying that for you.  It was not my place to do that to you…or even have that conversation with you.”  He squeezes my hand as he looks up at me.  “I should have never said what I said…I regret saying what I did about you carrying another one of my children.”

“You had every right to.”

“No I didn’t.”  He pulls my hand towards him.  “I’m glad you didn’t take that pill.”

A knock at the door causes John to jump as I look over to see who is about to walk in.  I can assume but at this point, I’m not sure if John has reached to call any of our family to notify them about what is going on.  When Dr. Andrews walks in, I drop my gaze down to our linked fingers as I wait for the news I have already prepared myself for.

“Dr. Andrews….how did it go?  What do the test results say?”  John is quick to sit up and give my doctor his full undivided attention.  I, on the other hand, is less than thrilled that he is here so soon with results I am sure I am not ready to hear.

I can tell by his face…the news isn’t great.  I don’t know if what I do is considered a gift that I inherited from being a psychiatrist for so long….that reading people’s features is basically confirmation to what issue I am about to hear.

I watch as he stands near the end of the bed, looking us both over as he places his clipboard and file down along the end of the hospital bed.  “I’m sorry to have to say this…I really truly am.”

I close my eyes and shake my head….just as I expected.  My confirmation was his expression the minute he walked through that door.

“The test results are not coming out as clearly as we’d hoped.”  My eyes look up and I try to read what his face is showing…but somehow they are mixed signals at this point.  “We would like to do another test, but the last one wasn’t as smooth as we had expected it to be.  We’re afraid any other test could complicate the situation.”

John and I immediately look at one another as neither one of us knows what to say at this point.

“Marlena, this is entirely up to you on how you want to go about this.”  I don’t even know how to answer him.  At one point, I would love to know what is going on with the tumor…but on the other hand…I don’t want to harm this baby anymore then it already will be during this process….I can’t handle another death.  I’m completely torn.

I swallow hard and close my eyes.  “Go ahead…Do the test.”

“Doc?”

“John…no.”  I put my hand out to stop him.  “Dr. Andrews….please do the test.”

 

XXI

God….is there such an existence?  Before all of this started happening in my life….I was a firm believer of my religion.  I wouldn’t say I was a very religious person and can’t really say I was a very practicing Catholic….Lord knows I wasn’t….but I still believed.  I believed in all of the stories I was taught as a child…I believed in God and his ever miraculous powers….I believed in it all.  And then something changed…..I don’t know how to put it into words.

Jonathon’s death might have kick started it and then it just went tumbling down from there.  So naturally….I would doubt him, especially when he could do something so cruel yet again.

How am I supposed to make a decision like this?  How am I supposed to walk around and simply decide on whether to end the life of a child or end mine in favor of that child?  I’m not quite sure how to face this….I’m not sure if I even can.  I do know that I’ve promised to make this decision on my own and not let other opinions affect my decision.

It’s just going to be a hard issue to face….one that I prefer not to deal with.

After a couple days in the hospital, my doctor sent me home….of course I played a part in begging to do so.  There was nothing they could really  do in the meantime anyway and I thought it would be best to be home, with my son, and figure this whole thing out.

After the test results had come back…I was determined to get back home and be with my child.  I wasn’t trying to avoid the inevitable but I guess I was just trying to take in and enjoy what I could under the circumstances.  Dr. Andrews had been passionate about not wanting me to leave the hospital and voiced his concern about the issue.  He thought it would be best for me to make a decision so that we could move forward quickly.  There was no way that I could make such life changing decisions so quickly and I made it a point to prove to both him and John that if I they were waiting for me to decide…we would all be sitting around the hospital for weeks.  There were far more people in need of medical attention and this hospital bedroom then for me to be sitting around taking up space.

After much disputing, Dr. Andrews finally signed the release forms with the only exception that I would be back in his office within a few days to discuss the options.  Reluctantly, I agreed.

And now….I’m home…sitting around with my very active three year old as he jumps and shouts, singing along with the characters on TV.  I can’t help but smile at his joy…his freedom…his carefree life….if only I could give this to him for all of his life…I would.  If I could protect him from the world and the evil and the heartbreaks…I would…but I can’t.   All I can do is show him all the love that I possess for him and be there in every way that I can.  It’s also times like these that make me think about the problems we are facing and how I should go about it.  Surely, Damian and his future wins hands down…but now…there is another little life involved.  A life that may not make it because of the decisions I make.  But if I don’t make a decision…then whose life is at risk?

I expected the worse when the test results came back.  I expected my doctor to look me in the eye and tell me the results for the tumor were malignant.  To be honest, the tests were showing up as inconclusive…so I’m not sure about how good of a sign that is.  It’s not common that something like that usually happens.  Nevertheless,  I was pretty sure that the tumor was benign but Dr. Andrews and John weren’t so sure.

In fact, Dr. Andrews wanted me to possibly look into the option of removing the tumor with the intention of taking a small dosage of chemotherapy to be on the safe side.   What he failed to mention was that extracting this tumor could and most likely will harm the baby….which I obviously don’t want to do.  John, for the most part, had been pretty quiet about all of this and was very respectful when it came to me making the decisions.

After Dr. Andrews left the room, John and I managed to talk a bit about the future…dancing around the issue about how I will handle the tumor.  I was very determined to make it clear that I would not do anything to harm the baby intentionally to which he understood….but at the same time…he was concerned for my health and future.  ‘Damian needs his mother, Marlena.’  That’s all I can hear over and over in my head.

Am I wrong to want to be there for this baby?  Am I wrong for considering the option to bypass the surgery and chemo in order to save this little life even with the notion that it may not survive throughout the pregnancy?  I don’t know what to do or where to go from here…At this point…I don’t know which way is up and which way is down.  I don’t know what part of me suddenly changed into me wanting a child so badly and had it been simply an idea…I would have dismissed it just as much as I had in the past….but now I can’t.  There is a little one inside that is growing…another part of me that is inside beating and breathing…..another creation from John and I.

I don’t know what I am going to do.  I know that I can’t take another loss but I also know that my son Damian needs his mother just as much as I need him in my life.   I can tell that John is torn…part of him wants this baby….part of him wants us to continue on like some happy family but he knows that can’t be.  The other part of him is clearly on board with Dr. Andrews when it comes to removing the tumor…even if that means killing this little one.  I shouldn’t say killing…but that’s what it is…isn’t it?  I shouldn’t even say what I just said….he didn’t come right out and say that to me…I’m basically assuming that he feels that way.  His expressions are telling me so.

I can’t seem to concentrate on one single thought at a time….it’s almost as if my mind is flashing everywhere.  The doorbell steals my attention as I turn towards the corridor when the musical chime sounds off.  Damian stops dead in his tracks as his face lights up with excitement, squealing and jumping that someone is here.  He takes off running down the hall and I am quick on my feet to follow behind as he reaches for the door handle.

“Who’s it?”  He happily says while pulling the door open.  When he finds out who is standing on the other side, he screams and throws his hands in the air, reaching upwards to be picked up.  “Daddy.”  With giggles and laughs, he throws his small arms around John’s neck as he squeeze tight while John smiles happily, hugging him closely too.

“Hey there buddy.  How’s Daddy’s little slugger doing?  You taking care of Mommy for me?”  He looks over at me for a split second before kissing his son on his forehead.

“Yesh.”  He throws his arms around John once more before kicking to be let down.  “Come Daddy…we watch Wiggles.”

“That God awful TV show with a bunch of men jumping around singing?”  I laugh at the thought of it and nod.  “I’m not so sure I want my son amused by the visual of 4 happy men bouncing around.”

“John…he’s 3.  I think we’re safe.”  I allow his kiss on my cheek as he begins to rub my upper arms.  “Now if he were 13…different story and we then might have to sit and have a discussion.” I begin to walk towards the living room where Damian is entertaining himself.

“I rather not go down that road.”  He smiles as he watches me sit before taking a seat near me.  “How are you feeling?  Okay?”

I nod, watching Damian jump and laugh then quickly clapping his hands as he follows the characters on the screen.  “I’m good.”

“No pain?”

Shaking my head, I turn to look at him.  “No.”

“Are you telling me the truth?”

“Why would I lie?”

He makes a face and watches our son.  “To keep me at peace.”

“No, no…I’m fine.”  I can tell that he wants to ask me something else.  He probably wants to know what I plan to do…and the truth is…I have not a clue.

“How’s the baby?”  I’m shocked he is bringing up the baby.

“Baby is fine…”

“I still can’t believe this….another one huh?”  He is trying to keep the mood light…he can’t possibly know what this is doing to me.  He has no idea that this is not a normal discussion for us to carry….I know this pregnancy is a serious problem.  It’s not as if we are going to carry this child full term and give birth to a healthy child with no complications.

“I know…I don’t know what God was thinking when he created my system.  This is getting ridiculous.”  He laughs as I smile and shake my head.

“You know…we were doing really well for a while there back in the day.  We had Belle and for years we went strong with no accidents or false alarms.  I’m shocked you didn’t have about 20 of my kids then at the rate we were going at.”

“It’s a mystery to me…”  Smiling, I shrug my shoulders.  “Birth Control was better back then apparently.”  We both laugh as he touches my leg and we both stare at his hand.  With fidgety hands, I reach for his and hold it tightly as we both grow quiet….unsure of what to say at this point.  “I’m scared….I don’t know what to do.”

“I know you are….I am too.”  He says this so quiet that I wasn’t sure I heard him at first….I thought maybe I imagined it for a second.  “Marlena…”  I turn slowly to look at him as our eyes meet and we pause, unsure of what to say at this moment.   “I want you to know that I support you 150% in whatever you choose to do…but at the same time…I want whats best for your health.  Damian needs his mother…Belle, as old as she may be…she needs you too.  I need you here with me….”

“What are you saying?”

He stutters for a moment and I have to stop for a second because I don’t believe I have ever heard John Black stutter in his life.  “I’m saying that as much as I want this baby….nobody in the world could stop me from the happiness I feel about having another part of us here… but if it means keeping you safe….”

“If it means keeping me safe….then what?”

“Then I think removing the tumor and taking a chance is much more important.”

“More important then the baby huh?”  I feel the tears rising…I can feel it in my throat already.

“Don’t say it like that…you know that’s not how I meant it.”  I get up but he reaches out and grabs my hand to stop me from moving away.   “Hey, hey….come here….I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Then how did you mean it?”  I would like to blame my hormones on these tears that are now falling but that is the biggest lie ever…I have always been an emotional mess.  Being pregnant just maximizes it.

“I just want you to be safe….I want this baby more then anything and if we can have both you and this baby healthy….even better.”

I turn my face away because he’s lying….he would gladly sign the paperwork that grants an emergency abortion if something were to go wrong with me.  I try to walk away again but he pulls me by my hand to stop me.  “Can you let go?”

“Please don’t walk away.”

“I need to use the bathroom….please let go.”

“Daddy….your phone, peas?”  Damian comes running between us as he asks for John’s iPhone.  Thankful for the interruption, John releases my hand as I wipe my tears quickly and smile down at Damian.

“Why do you want Daddy’s phone?  Is it because of that silly silly game you seem to love?”  Smiling happily for my son, I watch as he nods while John hands him the phone.  Standing up, our eyes meet as he tries to pull me close to him for a hug.

“Game stopped.”  Handing me the phone hurriedly so that I can turn the game back on, I notice why it stopped.  Biting my lip, I shake my head and wave the phone slowly at John.  Text Message.

“Kim wants to know what time are you coming over tonight.”  Pulling away from him, I close the message and hit the resume button on the game while handing it to Damian.  John tries to reach for me but I yank away.  “Don’t touch me.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Don’t bother explaining.”

“Marlena…damnit. Listen. I need to pick up some of my things.”

“I’m sure.”

“Marlena….stop.”  I’ve managed to make it as far as the steps that would lead me to my master bathroom but he stops me from climbing them.  “We’re over…I’ve told you that.”

“Just like we were…..”  I eye him sarcastically and he shakes his head.

“Don’t….it’s not the same situation.”

“It’s not….what makes it so different?”

“Because…”  He shouts before stopping and looking down the hall before looking back at me.  “You are the love of my life…I will forever love you and that’s why its different with us.  We’re never over….I don’t care how many times you say we are.”

“Whatever.”  I start to climb the stairs but quickly stop when I see John behind me.  “I’m going to the bathroom…alone.  Keep an eye on Damian.”

By the time I get to the entrance to the bedroom doors, I feel a sharp pain in my abdomen as I close my eyes and hold my stomach.  The pain seems to get worse as I hunch over even more and breathe deeply, closing my eyes.  I slide against the wall of my bedroom near the doors that I managed to stumble through and hold my stomach as I focus on my breathing.  God, please don’t let anything happen to this baby.

I hear the bubbly giggles of my son as he shouts for his father to come to his room to see his toys.  It takes a minute for the pain to pass and I hope that I have just enough time to collect myself, get up, and make my way to the bathroom before John and Damian find me like this.  Just when I am about to stand, another pain hits and I close my eyes and breathe…one hand at my stomach while the other hand is planted against the carpeted floor.

“Mommy.”  I hear Damian call out and enter the room where he then finds me on the floor.  Much to young to understand, he runs up and happily shouts that he found me…under the impression that I am playing hide and seek.  When I don’t lift my face to meet his, he reaches out and moves the hair from my face as he dips down and moves his small precious face towards mine.  “Hi Mommy.”  When I don’t answer, he then makes a face.  “What’s wrong Mommy?”

I try to smile but I can’t…I can only gasp from the pain.  “Damian…go get Daddy.”  Without further instruction, he runs off and shouts for John as I close my eyes and lean against the wall for support.  Within seconds, the room around me gets foggy and it suddenly becomes humid, almost too muggy.  I blink heavily before before the area around me goes dark and the pain suddenly fades.

XXII

I wish there were a word in the English Language that would describe how I am feeling at this very moment.  I try my best to think back…with all of my education, the endless years that were spent in the best school systems our country had to offer….simple words seem to fail me at this second.  Perhaps I am much too distraught to even speak.

There is nothing more that I hate right now then this hospital room and this damn uncomfortable hospital bed.  I think the cold tiled floor has more give then this stiff mattress does.  My body cramps more from the angle I am laying and for some odd reason, I can’t seem to keep warm.  I’ve been told that the temperature was increased in here but they could have fooled me.

According to the nurse that has just walked in, I seem to be running a temperature which probably explains the reason why I am so cold.  I swear, they don’t make these nurses like they used to….just pure genius’ these days.

Apparently, Dr. Andrews doesn’t like the fact that I am running a temperature either because she calls for him and he is quick to tend to my matter.

“How are you feeling?”  I prefer to remain tight lipped and don’t even bother to look up at him when he asks me the question.  “Marlena?”  Still, no response.  “Hey, are you okay?”  He dips his head down a bit to try and catch a glimpse of me but I turn my head away in disgust.  I hear him sigh impatiently as he waves for the nurse to leave and pulls up a chair to the side of the bed.  Sitting down slowly, he checks my vitals before folding his hands together and placing them at the edge of my bedside.  “I know you aren’t in the best of moods and more than likely want nothing else but to be alone….but I have to check on you.”  I still don’t move, I only attempt to turn my face away even more.  I don’t want him to speak to me, I don’t even want to make eye contact with him.  “Marlena?  Please….I need to be able to make sure you are okay.  You are clearly running a temperature…something we need to take seriously.”

Finally deciding to speak, I mumble my words….much too tired to even discuss what I truly want to say.  “It doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“Yes it does matter….this is serious.  It could be an infection.”

“Can you please just leave?”  I try to wipe away the tears and sniff back some that are already building.

“Do you want me to call John?”

“No,”  I am quick to respond and shake my head instantly.  “I don’t want to see him and I don’t want him here.”

“Are you…”

“Yes.”  I’m being much too rough with him but I could care less at this point.  Dr. Andrews stands as he moves the chair back an is about to walk towards the door when I stop him.  “Why did you do it?”

He looks over at me sadly as I now allow the tears to fall freely down my face.

“How could you have done this?”

He walks slowly back towards the bed as he reaches for the chair and sits down again.  “Marlena, please know that I did it in favor of your life.  I’m a doctor….surely as a doctor…you know the oaths we take.  My job is to save my patients….and take any necessary measures that will save their lives.”

“I don’t know why you did.  Why couldn’t you have just waited to see how it progressed.”

“Marlena….I know you don’t know much because when you were brought in, you were unconscious.  You do know this means that you were at the point where you were completely unresponsive to anything we were doing.”

“I know what unconscious is.”  I wipe away the tears but its pointless, they still continue to fall.

“Your vitals weren’t good…your blood pressure had dropped….your color had faded.”

I shake my head because I don’t really want to know the details…I still choose to believe otherwise.  “These are things that could not be managed by simple drugs that could have been administered?  Please, you and I both know that it could have been dealt with differently. ”

“Are you questioning my actions?”

“I’m wondering how you chose to dealt with a situation under pressure.”

He nods as he looks over at my file and then back at me.  “So I should have let you die…is that what you are saying?”

“No, I’m saying you should have thought of a different solution.”

“Marlena, you were hemorrhaging…there wasn’t enough time for a different solution, as you put it.”  He’s upset….but I could care less.  “I had to move as quick as possible.”

“So you took your oath seriously and did what you did without my consent.”  He stands up and begins to walk towards the end of the bed.

“You were unconscious…no personal consent was needed.  It was my professional and medical decision that further action was needed.  And just so you have an idea….a consent was signed.  Mr. Black signed for it.”

I look up so quickly that he steps back and then stands tall.  “What? He has no such authority to sign any of my emergency forms.”

“Well then with all due respect Dr. Evans…maybe you should have spent more time dealing with your personal details because Mr. Black was listed on your paperwork as you next of Kin.”  We both stay silent as he nods his head and reaches for the door handle.  “I’ll be back to check on you later.”  Without further words, he disappeared from the room and left me alone with my thoughts and now very present anger.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’m told that the pain I should presently be feeling is supposed to be truly unbearable, however, with the emotional pain I am going through right now…I think I have blocked out the physical pain.   Don’t get me wrong, I still feel cramping and soreness all throughout my lower portion of my body but I’m blocking it out….I don’t have the energy to focus on that.

Endless flowers have arrived in this hospital room and even though I have managed to turn some away, more just keep arriving, mostly when I am sleeping.  I can’t get up from bed but I can make out a couple of the cards, some have John’s handwriting.  I turn away angrily when I see that and try to adjust against the bed  but I don’t have much luck.  Finding a somewhat decent position, I lay on my side with my back facing the door…I don’t plan to see anyone.  Of course…. A soft knock at the door can be heard but I ignore it, I could care less who was at the door anyway.

I hear the words ‘knock, knock’ but I don’t bother to turn around and look.  Hearing another vase being put down along a table, I hear the heavy sigh of a man before they sit down in a chair and place a gentle hand along my leg.  Without hesitation, I swat it away and keep my face turned away.

“I’m sorry baby.”

“Don’t call me that.”

We both stay quiet for a few minutes before he sighs heavily and sits back along the chair.   “Doc….please talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Come on….it might help if you did.”

“Oh really?  What part would be helpful John?”  I slowly sit up and turn towards him…the pain in my lower region causing me to stop and freeze for a moment.  He is quick to rise on his feet but I push him away when he tries to help me.  “This is your fault…don’t touch me.”

“Okay.”  He holds his hands up in defense and sits back on the chair, waiting for m to regain my composure.  “I know you’re upset…I don’t like the situation anymore then you do.”

“No, you haven’t a clue on how I feel.”

“Don’t you say that….you know I am just as hurt about this as you are.  This affected me too, you know.”

“Did it?”  I look over angrily at him as his mouth drops.

“How can you say something like that to me?  Of course it did.”

“You didn’t think twice when you went ahead and signed that paperwork to kill this baby, did you?”  He drops his head and shakes it sadly.   He gets up slowly and walks over to the window as he stares out at it.

“It hurt me to sign those papers.  I hesitated at first, I put the pen to the paper and then stopped, pulling my hand back to think about what I was doing.”

“Then what?”  I’m so angry I can’t even keep my voice calm.

He turns to look at me sadly and places his hands in his pockets.  “Your life meant more.”  Tears fall from my eyes as I shake my head and close my eyes.  “That’s why I signed those papers.”

“I don’t understand what happened that lead to all this.”  I’m crying softly because it hurts too much to actually sob.  He starts to walk over but decides to stand near my bedside instead of sitting.

“When I found you at home, you had passed out.  I had called an ambulance and got you here as fast as I could.  I left Damian with the neighbors until Belle was able to pick him up shortly after.”  He clears his throat as he looks away only to glance back at me a few seconds later.  “You started bleeding in the ambulance….obviously not a good sign.  Your vitals started going down…”

“Was I miscarrying?”

He shakes his head.  “At that particular time, no.”

“I don’t understand what that means.”

He hesitates for a moment and then decides to sit down, reaching to hold my hand.  I allow him that much as he drops his head against the bed to collect himself.  “It seems that there was a complication with the tumor and it had somehow shifted which ruptured your uterine lining, which in turn…caused the bleeding.”

“Oh God.”

“The baby was not safe at this point and it was a matter of time before you would miscarry.”

“So that makes it okay to sign the forms for the abortion?”

“No…it doesn’t.  But if I had not made the move…you could have died from the blood you were losing and rapidly.”

“No I wouldn’t have….it’s not as if I had ruptured a main vein.”

“Marlena…”  He says my name so strongly that I stop to look at him.  “You would have died…there is no ifs or buts about that.”  I bite my lip to stop the cry but it doesn’t help much.  “I wasn’t going to lose you.”

I shake my head and turn my face away, trying to process this all.  “Are you the person who signed for the procedure?”

He looks up confused.  “What procedure?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“Oh….”  He shakes his head quickly and sniffs back some tears.  “I had nothing to do with that.  Dr. Andrews came up to me and explained the situation, he said that he needed to perform the surgery and wanted to make sure I knew about it.”

“You didn’t say a word about it?  You didn’t debate it?”

“Marlena…I can’t step in and debate this doctor about his profession when his only job at that moment was to save your life.”  He hands me some tissue as I dab my face with it before placing the tissue over my face and crying into the soft sheets.  “I will never forget the image of you lying helplessly in the room when he came up to me and told me that he needed to perform the surgery.”  He stops and shakes his head.  “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

“No….I want to know.”  I shouldn’t be yelling at him…its not entirely his fault.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”  He nods and then reaches for some tissue himself.  “I walked in the room and you were laying on this bed…well it looked more like a table actually.  They had your legs in stir-ups and they were dangling just lifelessly.  Some nurse had her hand between your legs as they were pushing and grinding with…I don’t even know what it was…it looked like a towel.  When she pulled away…I noticed it was covered in blood, and so were your thighs…their gloves…their gowns had been covered in blood.”

I swallow hard as I try to picture this…I can only imagine how he felt at that moment.

“It was then that Dr. Andrews came up to me and said he needed to perform an emergency hysterectomy.  The tumor had ruptured your lining so badly that they couldn’t clot the blood as quickly as they hoped they could.  I assume he also thought it would likely remove the chances of any cancerous cells if they had indeed spread in your uterus.”  He says these words so slowly and unsure…I’m wondering if he truly feels this way.

“I’m not so sure I needed that procedure John.”

“Trust me…if you had saw what I did at that moment…you would have known that you did need it.”  He wipes some tears that are falling as he rests his head along the bed.  “I was losing you.”  He cries a little.  “I had lost my child and I was losing you.”  He swallows hard before grunting, I’m assuming it was a sob mixed with a laugh.  “That was a whole lot to accept in one afternoon.”

I don’t even know what to say…I don’t know if I can even speak.

He lifts his head and looks sadly at me.  “How do you feel?”  I purse my lips together pitifully and shake my head sadly.  “I know…I’m so sorry baby.”  He reaches out and squeezes my hand with his.

“It’s not even the fact that I lost this baby…a baby that I truly wanted…but the fact that I lost the very part that completes me as a woman.”

“Stop….Don’t do that.  That is not what makes you a woman.”

I look at him sarcastically as he squeezes my hand tighter.  “I’m sorry…yes it’s definitely a part of a woman but that does not make you any less of a woman Marlena.  You will always be a woman in every sense of the word.”

“You have no idea how horrible I feel.  You have no idea that losing another baby is doing to me.  You have no idea how much it hurts to know that there will never be another possibility to have another….not that I would want one…but the fact that that entire chapter in my book is closed…done.”

“Hey….we have Damian.  He’s still a baby…he’s still our baby.”

“I know, you just don’t understand.”  I lean back against the pillows and shut my eyes.  “Why couldn’t we just live the normal life?”

“I don’t know…..maybe because that’s not God’s plan….he has something else in store for us.”

“I don’t want to talk about him…he is forever bringing pain into this family.”

“Stop…don’t you do that.”  I shrug and turn away.

“I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“Okay…Okay, that’s fine.”  He begins to adjust the blanket over my legs as I wince a little from the pain.  I’m glad he doesn’t notice.  Resting my head along the pillow, I close my eyes as I feel him bring the blanket over my shoulders and kiss my forehead.  “You feel warm…are you okay?”

I shrug and sigh lightly.  “Just a little cold…Dr. Andrews says I have a fever.”

“Wait…what?”

“They gave me meds already….their monitoring to make sure it’s not an infection.”

“I don’t like the sound of this Marlena.”

“John, please…I just want to sleep.”  He doesn’t move and stares at me carefully as if he is waiting for me to do something.

“Okay…I’ll be right here.”  Leaning down, he places another kiss along my head as he whispers that he loves me…that he can’t live without me.  Another soft kiss is given before I feel the warm tears from my eyes trickle down my face.  I can’t believe we have come to this point…I can’t believe this is how its turned out….I don’t even know how I am supposed to get through this.

Damian.  He is the reason I will try and get through this, one day at a time.  And only for him….will I get through this.

XXIII.

I feel as if my life has slowly slipped away from me.  The small thread that my life had been clinging to, suddenly snapped and I began to spiral downward, sadly uncontrollably.  I stop to think, what would I have done?  What I have gone about it differently?  Would I have tried to save the life of someone that I had not had the privilege in meeting as of yet?  Who knows….but all I do know is…I didn’t have a say so and that alone upset and hurts me.

My eyes flutter open to the muffled yells that are coming from downstairs.  Tiredly, I cover my face with my hand as I try to sit up in bed, only to feel slightly dizzy which forces me to lay back down.  I guess I will never get used to the idea of bed rest.  From what I can remember, Dr. Andrews mentioned to John that I should remain in bed for a minimum of 6 weeks.  I can’t say I am happy and I can’t say that I didn’t try to dispute that order…but I quickly realized it was a losing battle once the pain set in.

I don’t remember the post effects of child birth even being this painful.  My body aches everywhere…from my back to my toes….my skin is almost tender to the touch.  Any movement made is almost impossible to withstand without the painful pressure that shoots throughout my body.

I know John  must be feeling guilty…he doesn’t linger around me too much…only when he has to.  That’s not to say he has not been attentive or wonderful….he just isn’t the typical John.  I’m assuming he has temporarily moved in with us, to look after Damian mostly, knowing that is virtually impossible for me to keep up with him in the last few weeks.

Day 35….I’m almost home free.  I glance to the side of my nightstand and find two large pills sitting there with a bottle of water and a post it note.  ‘Take these two, drink this bottle, and go back to bed’.  Pressing my mouth in a tight line, I slowly sit up and lean back against the headboard as I reach for the pills and place them along my tongue.  Quickly opening the bottle, I take a long chug of the cool water as it slides down my scratchy throat.  Closing my eyes at the soothing feeling from the cool liquid that runs smoothly throughout my body, I try to adjust myself against the pillows.  Deciding that I’ve had my fair share of being stuck in this bed, I attempt once more to sit up and throw my legs over the bed.

The pain quickly shoots throughout my lower region of my body as I shut my eyes in agony.   “Good God….when is this pain supposed to be over?”  The words are barely audible, I can’t afford John coming up and overhearing my confessions.

Placing my feet down onto the floor, I slowly push myself up off the mattress and slowly stand…flinching slightly from the internal pressure along my hips.  I’m surprised I even had that much strength to lift myself up on my own.  I must be getting better.

I feel like hell….I’m assuming I don’t look much different either.

Dragging myself into the bathroom, I manage to get myself together and wash up before deciding to slowly make my way down the stairs to my happy child.  It takes far too long to descend a simply staircase but I’m still healing…I keep telling myself that.   When I reach the bottom, I have to stop and take a few deep breaths and control the internal stinging.

The much too joyful shouts from my son make me want to curl up in agony but I’m tired of being tucked away in a bedroom….it’s time to be Mommy….regardless of how I feel.  With slow steps, I creep past the archway that separates the corridor from the family room.  Inspecting the room cautiously, I watch as Damian jumps along the couch with his toys in one hand and cookies in the other.  My mouth literally drops open as I turn my head frantically in search for John.  What in the world is happening here….has this been going on since I’ve been down for the count?

Spotting John, I watch as he is struggles through the doorway with Damian’s favorite blue Batman cup and a plate of something I can’t quite make out.  I watch as John’s face drops and he quickly places the items on a lamp table as he runs over to where Damian is.  “Son, have you lost your mind?  Your mother would kill us both if she saw what you were doing.”  Grabbing him by one of his arms, he picks him up off the couch and holds him in the air as he walks away from the living room.  Damian is laughing ecstatically, kicking his feet happily throughout the air as John continues to carry him away as if he was holding some dirty dish rag with the tips of his fingers.  I almost want to laugh but that would create too much pain.

“Daddy, I watching TV.”

“Not anymore, you’re not.  It’s time to eat….and where did you get those cookies?”  Damian laughs as he shakes his head and tries to run away once John sets him down on the ground.  “Oh no you don’t.”  Grabbing him by the back of his shirt, he tugs him back roughly as Damian loses his balance and falls into John, laughing.   “The cookies, where did they come from?”

Damian laughs as he screams in excitement from the thought of being playfully attacked by his father….a game they have played many times before.  John thinks its something that all boys must do growing up.  “In the keech-in.”

“You little stinker…get in the kitchen now.  You need to eat…real food.”  Tapping his butt, Damian runs off into the kitchen with John slowly following.

“I not hungry.”  I hear my son call out and I shake my head smiling.

“Too bad…you are going to eat.”  Call me crazy but I think John has had about enough with this Mr. Mom business.

I decide to give up the secret agent spying and actually make my presence known.  Placing a hand along my back, I start to walk through the doors of the kitchen where I find John squatting in front of a seated Damian who picks aimlessly at his plate.  His eyes light up when he hears me shuffling through the kitchen and his baby white teeth add more to that beautiful smile of his.  “Mommy.”  With sheer excitement, he attempts to crawl off the chair but John holds him at bay as he turns quickly towards me.

“What are you doing out of bed?”

I shrug and open a cabinet as I attempt to reach for a mug.  “I wanted a cup of coffee.” Standing on my tippy toes, I try to reach on the upper shelf of the cabinet but the pain inside my body stops me from actually reaching any further.  John is quick on his feet as he rushes over and hands me a mug.

“I would have brought it up to you….all you had to do was ask?”  He smiles and looks over me carefully before turning to the machine and reaching for one of my favorite coffee flavors.  “You should really be in bed.  French Vanilla or Hazelnut?”

“Hazelnut please.”  Reaching out, I take the small cup from him as I place it in the coffee machine and set my mug on the stand below the nozzle.  Hitting the brew button, I wait for the coffee to begin spilling into my mug as I tilt my neck to the side and stretch out the kinks that are present there.

“How do you feel?”

“I’m okay.”  I don’t feel the need to say anymore than that.  Our silent interaction is interrupted when our son runs up to us and throws himself full force into my legs, squeezing hard.  Pressing my lips tightly, I close my eyes and breathe out harshly to avoid yelping from the discomfort my son has suddenly brought me.

“Son, no.”  John is quick to scoop him up and hold him close as he reaches out with his free hand to rub my back and move closer towards me.  “Are you okay?”

Humming out, I nod my head…still unable to open my eyes.

“Mommy?  What’s wrong?”  I’ve made my son nervous…maybe even a bit frightened.

“It’s okay son….Mommy is just not feeling too well.  Remember we talked about how we need to let Mommy sleep so she can get better?”  John is trying to keep Damian calm but I know he too is nervous at the pain I am experiencing.  “Son, lets go sit down and try a few more bites of your food.  Daddy is going to help Mommy really quick.”  I only hear my son scattering off and then John’s hand on my lower back as he hovers closely.  “What can I do?”

“Nothing…it’s passing.”  I slowly blink my eyes as I look over the counter top before scanning the room for my child.  He is picking at his plate and looking over his new book that I assume John must have just bought him.

“How about we get you back upstairs in bed…I will bring your coffee up.”

Quickly shaking my head, I hold my hand out to stop him from reaching for my mug.  “No John, I’m fine….I need to start moving around.  I think part of the problem that I am not healing as fast as expected is because I am cooped up in bed.  I need to move around.”

“Doctor..”  I instantly hold my hand up and cut him off.

“I know what he said….trust me…I’m a doctor.  I know this, I know my body.  I need to move around.  That is the only way I will get better.”

“Doc…I know you are a strong woman…but don’t push yourself more then you really have to.”

“I need to.”  Grabbing my mug, I carefully blow at the hot liquid before putting it to my lips and taking a gentle sip.  “Now, where is my boy.”  I look over at Damian who has now looked up from his book and towards John and I.  “Come here baby.”

He looks unsure….almost scared.  At first, he looks at John as if he is trying to gain permission.  When John doesn’t stop him, he hops off his chair slowly and walks over towards us as I place my mug down.  Gently lowering myself to the ground, I hold open my arms and encourage him to give me a hug.  He hesitates but I insist that he come closer.   Finally getting him in my arms, I take a deep breath and press him against me as he wraps his small tiny arms around my neck.  “Mama?”  His voice is so low, I know he is most likely scared.

There is not much pain, just slight discomfort from the quick movements we are both making.  I would gladly take any pain though just to feel my son next to me.  I’ve been missing him.  Instinctively,  I bury my nose into his dark hair and take in the soft scents of Johnson’s shampoo and of course, Damian’s natural powdery scent.  How I’ve missed this little boy.  As much as I dislike the idea, I force myself to pull away and stare into those precious gorgeous eyes.  When he was born, he had the most unique gray eyes…a combination of both John and I.   Over the short amount of years, his eye color had changed into more of a deep blue.  I wouldn’t say they are as bright as John’s but they are absolutely just as stunning, perhaps even more captivating than his fathers.

“How is Mommy’s little boy doing?”  I smile cheerfully as he nods and looks up to his father.

“Good.  I ate tookies today.”  John’s face drops as I look up at him from where I am scrunched down at.

“Cookies?”  I do my best to pretend as if I do not know of this information or witnessed Damian’s acrobatic acts along my eight thousand dollar couch.

“Yesh Mommy, they doh-licious.”  I can’t help but laugh as I shake my head.

“Baby, it’s 8 in the morning.  The last thing you should even be consuming is cookies.”  I lean in to kiss him and hold his face with both hands as I nuzzle his tiny nose with mine.  Slowly standing, I try my best not to flinch so that I do not scare my son.  “Go finish your food sweetheart….Daddy made you a delicious meal.”

“I no want any.”

I stop him.  “Have a few more bites please.”

“That’s what Daddy say…I full.”  He holds his hands out to demonstrate how full his stomach is.  I smile and shake my head.  Holding up two more fingers, I whisper the words.  “Two more bites please.”  Shockingly, he doesn’t fight me.  He walks back to the table and climbs up the chair as he reaches for his fork.

Turning to see John, he hands me back my mug as I watch Damian tap his fork against the plate as if it were a drum.  “Want to go back to bed?”

I shake my head as I stare at Damian.  “Sweetheart, don’t do that.  Take a couple more bites and then you are done.”  He acknowledges me and takes a bite from his fork as he stares down at his book.  “Thank you for helping out with Damian…you have done a wonderful job.”

He smirks and shakes his head as he begins to wipe down the counter top.   “No need to thank me, I’m his father.  It’s part of the job description.”

“Not necessarily.”

“It is in mine.”  He stops wiping the counter and looks at me as I nod and then sip my mug slowly.  “Why don’t you head back up…I will clean up down here.”

“I’m not ready to go back to my cave.”  I smile against the rim of my mug while he chuckles and throws the rag against the sink.  “You have been taking such good care of me…why?”  I look up at him sadly as he stands still before dropping his head and walking up to me.

“Because that is my nature.”  He rubs my upper arms gently and watches me closely.  “Because at the end of the day…I still very much love you and your health is my number one priority.”  That simple comment makes an alarm go off in my head.

“Speaking of priorities….you have other places to be then here with me.  How is the case going?”  He stops me and shakes his head.

“Not now.”

“Right now.”  I eye him while he fidgets in front of me.

“It’s going.”

I shake my head in confusion.  “What does that even mean?”

“Just as I said…It’s going.  Now we can discuss this later…but I want you to focus on your recovery.  Back to bed please.”

“No….not just yet.”  I hold a hand out and touch his chest.  “Is it getting serious?”

He sighs heavily and turns back to check on Damian before looking over at me.  “It’s been serious.”

I feel the lump in my throat beginning to form.  “Do we have a chance?”

“Everything in court has a chance….let’s just hope my attorneys are good enough to prove that.”

I watch him walk away and begin clearing the table as Damian jumps up in the chair.  “Damian, down now.”  I quickly call out because I almost envision him tumbling over head first into the ground.

“Mommy, lets go outside.”

“Daddy will take you buddy….go get those shoes on.  Mommy needs to rest.”  John hands him his book as Damian takes off running to the living room.

“John?”  He is putting dishes in the sink and places items in cabinets.  “John, please don’t keep me in the dark.  I need to know about this case.”

He turns around and leans against the counter, crossing his arms.  “You have far too much to worry about then case.  You’ve been quite through the ordeal…just concentrate on a full recovery.”

“You’ve been through a great deal too…first the case and then this.”  I drop my gaze and look down into my mug.  “Are you upset?”

“Why would I be upset?”  When I look up, he stares at me confused.

“About the baby?  Are you sorry we couldn’t have the baby?”  His hands instantly go up in the air.

“Stop right there…we aren’t going to do this.”

“But we are….we need to discuss it.”

“Not now.”

I shake my head and place down my mug.  “You won’t discuss the case, you won’t talk about the baby…what do you want to talk about?”

“About you getting back in bed and safely tucked under those blankets please.”

“No John, I need to move….I’m almost at that recovery point.   If I don’t start moving around the house, I will never heal.  I need to start being active.”

He presses his lips in a tight line.  “Well lets not push it then.  Want to go sit down on the couch…maybe lay down a little.”

“I’m fine.”  Our conversation comes to a screeching halt when Damian runs into the room yelling that he is ready.  John stares at me for a second before reaching for my hand and placing it to his lips, softly and tenderly.

“You ready buddy?”

“Yesh.”  He screams so happily that part of me is depressed that I can’t be the one outside with him, running around.  Soon though.

I turn my eyes towards Damian as I ask for a kiss before play time.  He runs up and John yanks him up, lurching him forward so that he can kiss my lips quickly.  Within second, Damian is down and running for the back door with his hand on the handle.  “Daddy…tum on.”

It all happens so fast that I don’t have time to prepare myself or my thoughts.  He lips are quickly on mine in the slowest softest of kisses he has ever given me.  When I slowly open my eyes, those piercing blue eyes are staring straight into my soul.  His hands are on my face and his nose is just centimeters away from mine.   “I’m the happiest I’ve been, in a long while.  Damian is more than enough for us.”  I guess he is answering my question from earlier, without actually answering it.  Another soft kiss and he walks away from towards our son.   “Are you okay?  Do you want me to help you to the living room or bedroom?”

Waving at him and Damian, I blow a kiss at our son.  “I’m fine…go play…our boy is waiting.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“It looks good…you healed nicely.”  Something about my doctor telling me it looks good as he sits between my legs really makes me uncomfortable.   I fidget with my hands along my stomach as I close my eyes when I feel him poke at something that is still very tender.  “Do you have any other pain?”

“No…just some soreness occasionally.”

“That’s to be expected.  From what I am seeing…I don’t have any concerns.”  I turn my head and find myself staring at the stupid artwork along the wall.  Who picks out this stuff….this is horrible.

“Will I be able to get back to my normal schedule?”

“As far as your active life…yes.  Now obviously, I would suggest hitting the gym immediately or doing a marathon or hiking.”  He laughs as he turns the lights away from between my legs.   “You can definitely go back to work and do the ordinary stuff…housework, shopping, interacting with your son, etc.”  Pulling out the instruments he was using, I hear light thumps against the side table.  He adjusts my gown on my hips as he begins removing his gloves while I let my legs down from those uncomfortable metal slings.

“Well that’s a relief.”  I smile as he laughs lightly.

“We should discuss sexual activity.”  I dread these topics only because he knows I am not married…yet I still keep coming in here with all these issues that relate to being sexually active with my ex husband.

“Okay.”

“I assume you will be engaging in sexual intercourse  as part of your normal activity.”

“I would like to say no.”  He smiles and grabs my chart while scribbling down some notes.

“Okay, as far as I can tell by your exam….you are still a bit tender so I would off another week or so before you decide to engage in any intercourse.”  I only nod when he looks up at me.  “If you should feel any discomfort during intercourse, or there is bleeding, please make an appointment immediately.”    I nod again.  “I think you know that obviously, nothing rough or strenuous should take place until your body fully recovers and adapts to sexual activity.”

“Of course.”

“You will need to take your hormonal prescriptions twice a day, morning and night.  This of course does have some side effects which can impact your sexual life.  They may cause depression, loss of appetite, headaches, nausea.  Most importantly….it could impact your sexual drive, or your sexual response….loss of sexual stimulation.”

“Sounds like fun.”  I smile sadly as I begin to adjust my gown over my thighs.  “Obviously, these need to be taken everyday to stabilize my body.”

“Yes, and it will balance out your hormonal levels.  Once your body adapts and it registers as if you are now past the menopausal stage, you will not need to be on them so often.”

“Until then…”

“Pop the pills.”  He laughs and scribbles a few more notes.  “By the way, you may still have some discomfort from time to time….so I wrote another prescription for you for a few painkillers if the pain becomes too intolerable.  If it does continue to happen consistently, you should make an appointment to see me immediately.”

“Thank you Dr. Andrews.”

“Anytime Dr. Evans.”  He stands up from his stool and shakes my hand.  “I’ll leave you so that you can dress.  If you need anything at all, do not hesitate to contact me, okay?”  He smiles so sweetly before walking out the room.

Slowly, I crawl off the table and begin to gather my things when I feel the overwhelming urge to cry.  Without permission, the tears begin to slip down my cheeks as I struggle to slip each leg into my pants.  By the time I get my pants up over my hips, my tears are endless as they blur sight.  I place my hands over my eyes and cover my face in agony, sobs beginning to escape me.  Leaning against the table, I finally breakdown….the realization that I have lost the very part of me that completes me as a woman….has finally hit home.  And then the baby comes to mind….the baby that never had a chance.  The baby that John and I made unknowingly….the miracle….gone, within a snap of a finger.

Unable to control myself, I allow myself to breakdown in the privacy of my own examination room. I don’t know how I will ever accept this….but I know I am going to have to try.

XXIV.

I should have known better.  I should have known that in our lives, how could I possibly assume I would have time to grief the new changes in my life.  I guess I fooled myself into thinking I would be able to get over everything and handle all the changes.  I haven’t had a moment to myself since I officially got back on my feet.

Damian….the ever energetic bouncing spawn of both John and I….has fulfilled every single promise that he was put into this earth for.   Between his constant running around, screaming, laughing, crying, and tearful tantrums to sleep with me every night….I was crazy to assume that Damian wouldn’t be enough for me to get over the loss of the little one. I don’t know why I even entertained that thought for a single moment.

It has been tough though….there are times late at night, when our unborn child crosses my mind.  I do wonder what life would have been like with either him or her in our lives.  Gosh, I would have liked to have another daughter….it would have been a nice change in the atmosphere around here.  From tonka trucks to baby dolls….it would have been a sweet change.  What am I talking about?  I already went through that phase…Belle.   I need to stop this….I’m doing this to myself on purpose.

John hasn’t been around much…with the case and all.  Now that I have been back on my feet, he has retreated back to his own home…his own world…his own life.  And I’m fine with that. Really.  We should really start treating this relationship for what it is….simply a divorced couple who share custody of their young child.  Nothing more…nothing less.  We haven’t talked much about the past, about the baby or what the future could bring.  In fact, I think he is more worried about the future considering his doesn’t look promising.   I don’t blame him.

We haven’t touched since before I ended up in the hospital.  We haven’t made love since the last time I was at his home…that crazy night…that unforgettable morning.  I’m glad we aren’t caught up in that confusing situation but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it…or miss him.  I need to stop….it’s the hormones talking.  That’s all it is.

Glancing at the time, I place a pill on my tongue and reach for my glass of water.  Taking a long sip, I feel the large pill slide down my throat as I close my eyes and breathe in deeply.  My life has come to this…hormone pills that balance me out.  How wonderful.   The low beeping of my phone grabs my attention as I look down and see the screen illuminated.  My finger runs quickly across the screen as I read a text message.

Bless his heart….he still hasn’t left my side.  Good Ole Sam. I feel like he should though…I can’t commit to him nor do I really want to.  I guess if he really knew the truth…that just might have been enough reason for him to leave.  I shake my head at the thought.  He only knows about the emergency hysterectomy but he believes it was simply because the tumor…and nothing about the baby.  Shaking my head, I take another sip of water.  He wasn’t happy to hear that John had spent most of the weeks living at my house when I was bed ridden….surely he should have understood that I couldn’t care for Damian….and he is Damian’s daddy.  I guess he just couldn’t accept that John was also taking care of me…and why shouldn’t he….I’m Damian’s mother.  He’s part of the reason I was stuck in bed.  Of course, I can’t tell Samuel about that.

‘I was thinking dinner tonight?  A little wine?  A little candlelight?  Thoughts?’  I’m glad he isn’t here to see my face when I read his text.  I can’t handle romance right now…and certainly not from him.  His simple evening of dinner will most likely lead to snuggling and then of course, his poorly attempted kisses to which I just can’t take right now.  God, these hormones are driving me insane.  I think I am losing my sex drive.

Quickly typing out a message, I hit send and place the phone back down on the counter.  “Damian, sweetheart…..turn off the TV and let’s get moving.  Claire Bear is waiting for us.”   Walking over to the living room, I see Damian staring at the TV, standing directly in front of it.  “Damian Michael Black….Didn’t I tell you not to stand so close to the TV?”

“I just gonna turn it off.” He looks to me quickly before staring back at the screen.

“Yes, I can tell.  Let’s go little one.  Mommy has an appointment and Claire is waiting for you so you can go to the zoo.  Isn’t that exciting?”  Hitting the button on the TV, I watch Damian jump up and down at the thought of him going to the zoo.

“Imma see horsies, burds, monteys.”

“Monkeys my baby.”

“That’s what I say.”  He laughs as I adjust his shirt collar and straighten out his khaki shorts.

“Okay…lets go before we are late then.”  Grabbing his hand, I usher him to the kitchen and quickly grab my purse and his snack bag as we head for the door that leads to the garage.

Within 30 minutes, I have him dropped off with Belle and I am on the road to John’s attorney’s office.  I can’t say I’m shocked that I’m sitting in my car listening to Sam’s voice over the speakers of the car.   Turning the wheel, I merge into another lane as I stop at a light.  Looking around aimlessly at the pedestrians crossing the street, I pay very little attention to what Samuel is saying.

“I don’t think dinner is going to take up much of your time.”

I sigh and roll my eyes, grateful that he can’t see me.  “I know Sam, I know.  It’s just that I have my hands full tonight.  I have this case that I need to deal with, not to mention pick up Damian, tend to him and his fussiness, especially after the zoo.  The last thing I will have time for is dinner.”

“Tomorrow then.”  I bite my lip and shake my head, watching this absolutely gorgeous man in a 3 piece suit cross the street.

“I can’t.  Dinner with the kids.”

“Sometime this week.”  My eyes dart towards the lights as I try and think of another excuse.

“What about lunch? Lunch works better for me.”

“Hmmm.”  He sounds disappointed.  “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yep.”

“Are you even interested in me anymore?”

Wow…this is unexpected.  “Why would you ask me this?”  Green light.

“I don’t know…I’m just noticing how distant you are.”  Stopping in some traffic, I drum my fingers against the steering wheel.

“I see.  Truth is Sam….It’s not you….not you at all.  I’ve just been preoccupied quite a bit these last few months and unfortunately, I have not been able to actually be open to the idea of a relationship.”

“I noticed.”  He huffs and then sighs heavily into the phone.  “I guess if I were John, It’d be different.”

I pause and look down at the speakers.  “I’m sorry?”

“John doesn’t get the same treatment I do, huh?”

“Where is this coming from? Why would you even say that?”

“We can stop playing games here Marlena…I know the deal.”  I pause because I don’t know what to say.  “I know he still plays a major part in your life.  I know he is still possessive over you.”

“That’s just because that is John’s nature.”

“I’m sure….I’m also sure his feelings increased since he started sleeping with you again.”

I almost swerve into another car.  “What?”

“Like I said…let’s not play games.  Don’t treat me like an idiot.  I know what is going on here.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or hang up.  “I am not sleeping with John.”

“But you were?”  We both stay quiet.  “You don’t have to answer that…I already know the answer.”  He clears his throat.  “Be honest with me….are you going to continue to sleep with your ex husband….at least be up front with that.”

After moments of silence….I finally speak up.  “No, I don’t intend to.”

“Good.”  I wonder if he is smiling.  I know very well that I could be lying because I never could tell John No if he were to seduce me.  “I’m not giving you up Marlena.”

“I’m not yours to give up Samuel.”

“But you are…you hold a big part of my heart.”

I close my eyes and whisper.  “Please don’t say that.”

“You do.”

Pulling into a parking garage, I suddenly feel queasy.  “Look Sam…I am pulling into a parking garage.  I need to go…but we will talk soon, okay?”

“I want to be close to you Marlena…I want to take that next step.”  When I don’t say anything, he continues on.  “I so badly want to take you to bed…I-I want to make love to you Marlena….I’ve been so very patient.”  I shut my eyes in dread….I really don’t want to hear this from him and I honestly can’t picture this man in bed with me, on top of me, cradled between my legs.

“Samuel, please….I can’t do this right now.”

“Please consider it.”

“I can’t promise you that.”

“Are you still attracted to me?”  I pause….maybe a little bit too long.

“Samuel, I really need to go.  We’ll talk soon….goodbye.”  I quickly hit the button on the steering wheel to disconnect the call and sigh loudly.  “For the love of God.”  I am quick to park and I dart out the car, hitting the transmitter to lock it up.  In the elevator, my phone dings as I notice two new texts from Samuel.  Jesus.

‘I meant what I said….please give me the time.’

I ignore it and place the phone back in my purse.  In the reception area, the receptionist is quick to greet me and lead me to an already set private secluded conference room on the floor.  When I walk in, I am instantly greeted by two of John’s attorneys with handshakes and smiles.  “We’re still waiting for John to finish up a call….he’ll join us momentarily.”  I nod and take my seat as I feel my purse vibrate yet again.  Reaching inside, I notice the message…another one from Samuel.  Damnit.  I ignore the message and place the phone back on the table.

“Gentlemen, I was wondering if I could use your restroom quickly.”  They quickly point me in the direction and I walk out the room.  Within moments, I return and find a very gorgeous man staring back at me.  I can’t believe we were never able to work it out.  Its saddening.

Standing there in a dark crisp suit, with a silver and black tie…he smiles warmly as I return his smile.

“Hey there.”

“Hi.”  I take my seat as everyone else begins to sit at the table, hastily pulling out their folders and documents.

“Are you okay?”  His voice is discreet as he leans his face close to my ear.  I nod and smile at him.

“I’m fine.”

For hours, we go over the case…the questions that I may be asked….the answers I should be prepared to say if asked.  It’s exhausting.  What’s even more frustrating is that the more we sit through the case, the more it dawns on me that John is in serious trouble here.  I don’t know how he can walk in here looking calm and relaxed…gorgeous as ever.  It makes me wonder why his face isn’t lined with worry or how dark bags have not took over his lower eyelids from the lack of sleep I’m sure he is having.

I glance around the table as I stare at his team of lawyers.  I pray to God that they are good as they claim and worth every dime John is dropping into their bank accounts.  As much as I want to strangle John sometimes, I do not want the father of my children to be behind bars for life.  I can’t face that kind of devastation.  Losing a part of me that completed me as a woman was one thing…losing a child and a fetus is another….but losing the love of your life forever is something entirely different.  That’s not to say that losing my children was not painful because God knows it was…but I can’t take another hit…I can’t lose this man and raise my son to be a grown responsible young man…without his father in his life.

I am snapped out of my thoughts when his head lawyer closes his folder and wraps up our meeting.  “Tomorrow we need to be at the Washington Center for the arbitration.”

“Are we already heading to trial?”  I’m so confused….I didn’t think it would begin this soon.

“Not yet…this is just phase one of a very long process.” I nod and look at John who somberly smiles before standing up and smoothing out his tie.  Pushing my chair back, I slowly stand to my feet as John places a gentle hand at my back to make sure I have my balance before he shakes the hands of his team of lawyers.

“Until Tomorrow Gentlemen.”  He places a hand down his tie again as he backs away from the table.

“Will you be going back home or did you end up booking a hotel down here?”

“I actually did book a hotel room…at The Peninsula.”  I pause from grabbing my things and turn to look at him confused.   As if he knows what I am thinking, he squints slightly.  “I don’t want to deal with the traffic and construction…and mostly because I don’t want to be late.”

“It’s not like you live that far.”  He is watching me, smiling.

“A 30 minute drive isn’t horrible, no.  But with morning rush hour and construction…detours…I don’t want to take any chances.”

I nod and reach for my purse.

“See you in the morning…thank you again Gentlemen.”  John is quick to wave at them and waits patiently as I walk over towards him, escorting me out the doorways of the conference room.  We only stop momentarily in the lobby when I feel my phone vibrating in my purse again.  Reaching for it, I glance and see a message.  Throwing it back in my purse…I head to the elevator lobby with John.

“About Damian?”

“No.”  Shaking my head, I wait quietly for the elevator.

“Hungry?  Want to get some lunch?”  Peeking at my watch, I notice that I still have quite some time before Damian returns back from the zoo.

“Sure…where do you want to go?”

“Let’s go to Opus on Dearborn.  But I need to check in at the hotel first. Accompany me?”

I shrug because I don’t know what else to do in the meantime.  “Okay”

“Good.”  Placing a gentle hand along my back, he guides me into the elevator once the doors have opened and we make our way down to the main lobby of the building.

We drive to the hotel separately, I didn’t see a reason for me to leave my car behind at the parking garage near his law firm.   When we arrived at the hotel, I mentioned I would wait in the car, but he asked me to come up…since he wanted to change out of his suit.  I could have just met him at the restaurant and got us a table.

Sitting along the couch in his hotel room suite…I fish out my phone and begin reading the messages left by none other then, Samuel.

‘Are you ignoring me?’  ‘Please say something.  Did I overstep my boundaries?’  ‘Can we please meet up later?  No dinner…just to talk?’  ‘Marlena, think about what I said…I won’t hurt you.  You have my word.’  ‘Give me a chance…I can make you so very happy.’

What is wrong with this man?  Sliding my finger across his name, it pops up if I am sure I want to delete his entire thread.  Quickly hitting okay, I place down my phone and roll my neck to relieve some of the tension building there.  “John, are you almost ready?”  I call out to him, figuring he is in the bedroom changing.

“Give me a few.”  He steps out the room, minus his suit jacket and his now loosened tie.  “I was just responding to an email…I will be ready in a flash.”

“Oh geez….you are worse than a woman.”   I continue to wait a bit longer before deciding to use to the bathroom before we leave….if we ever do.  We might as well order room service at this point.

After a few minutes, I hear him mumbling and fumbling with his belt. “Okay…just about ready.”  He comes out the room and walks over to the couch, dressed in a polo shirt and dark jeans.

“Fantastic…I just need to use the powder room.  Be right back.”  He nods and takes a seat, checking his emails on his phone while I am gone.  When I return, something has changed.  He looks tense….his jaw is tightened and his face is stiff.   “Are we ready?”

“Yep.”  Hmm, Short and quick reply….almost angry.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.”  He looks to me and stands up, turning away to grab something off the desk in the corner.  I look around in confusion…wondering what he could have possibly gotten him so upset.  Oh…maybe an email from his lawyers.  He stalks past me when I reach out and grab his upper arm.  “Hey?”  Stopping in his tracks, he stills but doesn’t look towards me.  Reaching up, I grasp his chin lightly to turn him to look at me.  “What’s the matter?”

He flinches back and turns his face away from my grasp.  “Nothing…let’s go.”

I stand, confused….not sure why he is suddenly upset.  Turning around to grab my purse, I reach for my phone when it blinks and sounds off with a message.  Glancing at the screen, I notice a missed call from Samuel.  And then my heart stops….Could John have saw that he was calling…but why would that make him mad?  Could he have read something?

“Are we leaving?”  God, he is angry.  “Or do you want to stay and talk with your friend?”

Looking behind me slowly, I blink awkwardly as I press my mouth in a tight line.  “What?”

“Why do I even bother doing this…let’s go.”  He begins to walk away when I stop him.

“Can you just tell me what’s wrong?”  When he doesn’t stop…I call him again.  He is quick to turn around and walk over to me briskly as he stares at me with icy cold blue eyes.

“How many times are we going to play these games?”

“What are you even talking about?  What games?”  I am now utterly confused.  He must have read something.  But what…I deleted messages from Samuel.   Before I could even realize what is happening, he leans forward and snatches my phone out of my hand.

“You’re doing this on purpose…you’re playing with me.”  He is shouting now.  What in hell is happening here?

“I am going to ask you one more time…what the hell are you talking about?  What am I doing on purpose?  What game am I playing?”

“I’m not dumb.  I saw his message.”  He holds up my phone and then waves it at me.  “I can love you better than John can?  You won’t be disappointed.”  My eyes close instantly as I mentally curse myself for leaving my phone out on the table.  But why…I have nothing to hide.

“Are you fucking him?”  His voice is laced with disgust.

“No”  I’m almost too quick to answer that.

“You are, aren’t you?”  I’m honestly hurt that he assumes I am.

“Why do you think so little of me?”  My voice is low….I don’t have the energy to yell.  I’m upset he feels that way…that I could be so scandalous.

“I hate that mother fucker.”  He bites his lip as he looks around the room angrily.   “How could you do this to me…after all that we have been through…after all that I have done for you in the last couple of months.”

“I haven’t done anything John.”  Why do I sound as if I am begging for his forgiveness…I’ve done nothing wrong.

“I can’t believe this.”  He begins to back away from me and pace the small space between the coffee table and the hallway…and then repeats what I assume he read.  “I’ll come over tonight…I’ll make love to you over and over until you tell me to go…and then you’ll realize that I’m the one who’ll be there for you in the end.”  He closes his eyes and shakes his head angrily.  “That smug son of a bitch.”  I watch as he grabs my phone and hurls it at the couch, luckily he doesn’t aim for the wall.

I stand in silence….I could kill Samuel.  This might be more then enough to end it with him once and for all.  I silently walk over to the couch and grab my phone and purse before walking in the opposite direction of John.   Clearly, lunch is out of the question.

I don’t bother to say a word, I only decide to leave quietly.  What can I possibly say? He already thinks I am guilty?  Why am I making him suspect that I am guilty by not defending myself?

“Where are you going?”

“I shouldn’t be here.  I’m leaving.”  I make my way to the door and turn the knob, pulling it open when a large hand comes from behind me and slams against the wood, shoving the door shut.   “John.”  I sigh and close my eyes, my hand still on the doorknob.  “Stop it…let me go.”

“Don’t you walk away from me.”  His voice is low…and heated.

“John, let go of the door.”

“You’re not leaving.”  I turn slightly and stare up into his darken eyes, unsure of what he is thinking…or feeling.  “You won’t walk away from me….I won’t let you.”

XXV.

How many times have John and I been down this ridiculous road we put ourselves on?  How many more times are we going to be in this predicament?  Is this what our lives are destined to be like for as long as we are both on this earth?  Are we going to to forever play this childish game with each other?  Are we going to continue with this he/she blame game?

All these thoughts run through my mind as I stare back at him while he towers over my frame.  His hand is still pressed against the door and my body is still slightly turned away from his, still facing the door.  I don’t really want to turn around and face this overbearing jealousy of his.  I simply just want to open and walk out this door…walk away from this situation.  What am I doing?  I should just stand up for myself and tell him the truth.  Why am I not doing that?  Why do I continue to lead him to believe that I do have something intimate going on with Samuel…or that he may be coming over tonight to take me to bed.  That thought makes me cringe.

I try to open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out.  All I hear is his heavy breathing in my ear.  I try once more to speak but fail.  Turning the door handle, I try to pull but he slams it back shut.

“You’re not leaving until you talk to me.”

I swallow the lump that is now present in my throat and I slightly cough to clear it away.  “What’s the point…you’ve already convinced yourself that I am sleeping with him.”

“Well aren’t you?”

I shake my head in disbelief….how can he really ask me something like this?  Did he really think I would come straight out of surgery and let this man crawl into bed with me….even before John?  I’m not saying that I had plans to have sex with John but lets be realistic…if John came to me…I most likely wouldn’t have turned him down.

“No, John…I’m not.”

“I don’t believe you.”  His voice is heavily coated with anger.  “Turn around and look at  me.”

“No.”  Why does he want me to face him anyway.

“Look at me.”  His hand is on my upper arm as he grabs me and turns me around forcefully, pinning me against the door.  Without notice, his hands are on my face, holding me still so that I don’t shift or turn my face away from him.

“Stop grabbing me.”

“Is that what you tell him?”

“Is that what you want to hear?”  Why am I baiting him?  I deserve to be treated roughly.

“Marlena….”  He growls my name as I try to remove his hands from my face.

“No John….he does not touch me.  We have not been together.  How could you think that we ever could.”

“You’ve betrayed me before.”  His words are so low toned and hurtful that I try to turn my face away in disgust.  “Am I lying?”

“Let go of me.”  I place my hands on his chest to push him away from me but he doesn’t budge.  Tears begin to spring to my eyes as we stand quietly in the hallway.

His mouth is much too close to mine as he whispers words between our lips.  I want to turn away…but he still has my face pinned between his hands.  “Why do you do this to me Marlena?”

“I’ve done nothing to you.”

“The minute you have my heart in your hands, you rip it to shreds.”

I cry because that couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth.  I shake my head but his heavy hands still don’t allow me to break free.  His lips are moving closer again to where I feel the need to close my eyes in disgust.  “Does he fuck you better than I do?”  I feel sick….why is he doing this?  Because he is upset at what he read…jealous?  Obsessed?

Well I can play this game too.

“I can ask you the same thing.”  His lips pull away slightly as he stares down at me.  “Is she better than me?”

He begins to back away as his hands finally fall from my face.  Man….that’s all I had to do?

“Go ahead John…tell me….don’t be shy.”  He smiles and shakes his head, backing away from my body.  “Does she fuck you good?”

He turns away from me and starts to walk towards the window of the suite but I follow him to harass him with my questions.  Two can play that game and my my…how the tables have turned.

“So now you suddenly can’t talk?”  I stand behind him as he looks out, his hands firmly planted into the pockets of his jeans.  “You see….the difference with us is that you assume I’ve slept with him…you know nothing other than that.  Whereas, I know for a fact that you have fucked her….and I am supposed to be okay with that.”

“I wasn’t sleeping with her when I started making love to you.”

“Bullshit.”  I bite my lip to stop myself from crying.  “You have the nerve to stand there and make me feel guilty for something I have not even done…but you on the other hand…it’s alright.”

He doesn’t even acknowledge what I am saying….which infuriates me even more.  He doesn’t even flinch when I shove at his back….I am doing anything to get a reaction out of him.

Holding up my hands, I quickly swipe at my tears and back away.  “I am so done with this.”

I turn to walk away when I feel his hands on me, turning me back and pulling me to him.  “You’re not leaving.”

“Let go of me.”  I push on his chest but he doesn’t release me.  Instead, he hastily rids my purse from shoulder and throws it to the ground.  I have a feeling where this is going, so I shake my head and turn my face away as I try to maneuver my body from his hold.

Its merely seconds that pass before I feel his mouth on mine.  I tug on arms to break free and try to push him off me but he is so much stronger.  I manage to break my mouth away from his and cry out for him to stop.  In that split second, I have noticed that his eyes have softened a bit but they are still so much darker than usual.

“I don’t want to do this with you.”  I cry into his mouth as he engulfs my lips once more, tugging on my lower lip into it swells between his teeth.  His hands are all over my face and then down my neck until they come across my back, pulling me closer towards him.

I still haven’t reacted to his kiss and my arms are still planted firmly at my sides.  I’m tired of playing this role….the sad little wife that gives in every time things get rough…where is my say so?

“I love you.”  His words fall heavily against my mouth as he pulls me tighter to him.  “I love you.”  He says it again when I don’t respond.  Reluctantly, he pulls back and stares into my eyes….hoping to get his answer there.  “I love you.”

“No you don’t…you just love the part of me that gives into you.”

“Stop that.”  He moves slowly back to my mouth, this time taking my lips in a gentler kiss.  He parts my lips with his tongue as he begins to outline my lips before dipping into my mouth.  Slowly, he twirls it against mine as he deepens the kiss by pulling my body completely against his.  We’re so close, I can almost feel his heart beating against my chest.

I’m sad that he doesn’t ask me if I want to make love to him….he doesn’t ask for my permission like he always does.  He begins to yank on my blouse as his kisses become even more aggressive.  I’ve yet to move my arms around him.

“Forgive me, please?”  He whispers these words against my lips as he rests his forehead along mine, breathing me in.  When I don’t say anything, he pulls me to him and kisses me harder on my mouth.  I feel myself being lifted off my feet and being cradled into his arms.  Our lips have yet to part as my arms naturally go around his neck for support.  I suddenly feel the soft cushion at my back as I am being lowered down, his mouth still attached to mine.  I look around to see where I am.  The bedroom.

Tears continue to fall from my eyes….emotional pain still very much present.  I close my eyes when he reaches out and wipes this thumbs against my cheeks, swiping my tears away.

“Please don’t cry baby…I’m sorry.”  I don’t know why, but that makes me cry even more.

I hear him quietly shush me as he crawls down my body, skimming his mouth down my blouse as his tongue toys with the buttons.  I continue to sniffle as I hear him whisper how sorry he is as he places kisses down my body, resting his face against my stomach and taking a small nip at my flesh through the fabric.

I feel him lower himself onto the floor as he grabs my hips and slides me closer to the edge of the bed.  With skillful hands, I feel my pencil skirt begin to slide up my legs until it bunches up at my upper thighs.  My lower body lifts up momentarily with the help of John’s hands as he pushes my skirt up over my hips.  I close my eyes when I feel his tongue skim along my panty lines until his face comes to rests between the apex of my thighs.

His fingers run down my hips until they meet the lacy material of my thigh high stockings.  With soft touches, he traces his nails along the edge of the lace as I shiver below his touch.

“I’m so sorry.”  He mumbles these words against my centre as I close my eyes and squeeze the duvet below me.  A cool breeze skims past my heated flesh as I watch him slide my panties up my legs and over my feet before tossing them to the floor.  He watches me closely as he parts my thighs again and moves closer to my centre, blowing soft air kisses towards my overheated nerve bundle.

His eyes never leave mine as he flicks his tongue out and traces the grooves of my womanhood.  Instantly my eyes close from the sheer pleasure that is coursing through my insides and I hum out my approval, gripping onto the duvet and then at my skirt that is bunched at my stomach.   Soft slow swipes are felt along my swollen button that make my thighs tremble and my fingers twitch.

I’m biting my lip to stop the moaning…I don’t know exactly why.  I turn my face away as I feel his tongue probe along my entrance, dipping in and out with skillful precision as I gasp out his name.  God, it feels incredible.

“Look at me.”  His words fall hard against my moist centre as I blink heavily before turning my face back towards him.  He adjusts himself on his knees as he raises my thighs up a bit more and parts them wider with his large hands, holding them still as his face buries into what he loves most about me.  I cry when I feel him tease my clitoris, sucking it in and then releasing only to suck in harder.  Instantly, my legs tighten in his hands and my fingers find his hair as they comb through the thick black strands on his head.

“I can’t.”  I cry out, slamming my eyes closed and letting out a deep guttural moan.

“Look at me now.”

After a few moments, I manage to look down and our eyes catch as he stares up at me.  Deep lusty coated eyes watch me as his mouth continues to work it’s magic while I crumble beneath him.

“I love you baby.”  He nips at my swollen lips before he plunges his tongue back into my entrance as I moan his name continuously….my body now convulsing in anticipation of what might be the best orgasm I’ve had in a long time.

“John.”

“Tell me you love me….now.”  He digs deeper, flicking his tongue back and forth until I yank hard on his hair as I cry out loudly, exploding against him.  My eyes are clamped shut as my legs tremble along his shoulders, my chest rising and falling rapidly.

Moments pass, and I’m barely able to catch myself….my breathing, my rapid heart beats, my shaking.  I can still feel his mouth….the wet noises of his tongue against my sex.  He is now pressing tiny kisses along my inner thighs before placing one small kiss against my centre before lifting up and staring at me from between my arched legs.  I only stare tiredly back at him, unable to speak….unable to voice my thoughts.

He says nothing.  He only stands up slowly and hovers over my….crawling between my legs as I catch a glimpse of the large  bulge forming from underneath his jeans.  I’m sure he needs relief…I’m sure the thick and rough fabric against his over sensitive organ must be torture for him right now.

With slow movements, he takes my mouth in a gentle kiss as we lay still, kissing passionately in my afterglow.  Our tongues dart out and touch each other as I reach up and skim them around his neck, pulling him closer to my mouth.  Only after a few minutes, does he pull away and look at me lovingly.

“How do you feel?”

“Incredible.”  I don’t know what else to say….I feel so damn good right now that words are failing me.

“Good.”  He bends and places another deep kiss….our mouths making soft noises as they suckle at each lip.   “I’m sorry baby….I didn’t mean to talk to you in that way.”  He’s going to kill this moment…he needs to stop.  I plunge my tongue into his mouth to halt him words but he pulls away from me.

“John?”

“Marlena..”  He chuckles for a second and shakes his head.  “I can’t do this anymore.  We need to stop.”  My face falls as he begins to lift up but my hands hold him as they pin his arms still.

“What?  What do you mean?”

“I mean…we have to stop.  I can’t take it anymore…I’m in pain.”  He laughs as he tries to signal with his eyes towards his penis.  “We can’t make love…I understand.”

“Why can’t we?”  I’m so confused….why doesn’t he want to?

He looks confused too.  “You’re not 100% yet.”  He starts to lift away slowly as fumbles with the front of his pants.  “God, I want to make love to you so badly.”  He stares down at me, with my legs still parted in front of him….my womanhood in all its glory.

“Then make love to me.”

He shakes his head quickly and turns to look for something, anything….to focus on.  “No…I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me….I’m fine.”  He looks back to me as I watch him with heavy eyes.  “I promise.”  Slowly, I swipe my tongue across my top lip slowly as he closes his eyes and breathes.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m 150% positive.”  Smiling weakly, I part my legs wider as he looks down, and takes a deep breath.  I watch as his hands move to his belt and quickly undoes it, pulling it from the loops of his pants and tossing it along the floor.  His hands fumble with his shirt that is tucked into his pants and he tugs the hem out and then rips it over his head and onto the floor.

I slide up a bit more on the bed as he moves closer, placing his knees onto the mattress while crawling to me, over me and hovering me, balancing himself on his hands that are planted beside my head.  “You’re sure about this?”

“Shut up Black…and kiss me.”  He smiles and leans down to take my mouth as I reach down and fumble with the button and zipper on his jeans.  It takes only moments to feel him beneath my hand and I try my best to remove it from the constraints of his fitted boxer briefs.

“Hold on…”  He nips my lips before he pulls up and stands on his knees.  His hands tug at his pants and boxers as he lowers them down his hips but stops midway down his thigh.   His penis stands stiffly in the air as the tip of it glistens in the lights.  I must have licked my lips unconsciously because he smiles and takes my mouth as he murmurs words in our kiss.  “Give me that tongue.”

For minutes do we kiss before he breathes deeply and pulls away, looking down at me and still balancing himself over me.  I arch my hips and rub against his erection as he breathes and closes his eyes, pressing his lips together.

“You tell me if you are uncomfortable or in pain, okay?”  He looks concerned.

I nod and reach up to touch his face, memorizing his face….this absolutely lusty look he has.  “Make love to me please.”

He doesn’t speak…he only smiles and bends low to take my lips in a kiss.  I feel one hand sneak between our bodies as he reaches for his manhood and pumps it slowly….jerking his hips forward a few times.  My teeth latch onto his lower lip and I tug until I feel him guide himself at my opening.  I brace myself for the intrusion….after all…it’s been quite sometime.

His movements are slow…absolutely slow as I feel his thickness stretch my walls and every ridge of his rubs against my inner nerve endings.  My eyes shut from the intrusion and hold him tightly, my fingers digging into the bronzed skin of his back.   I breathe out his name and dig my toes into the mattress as he holds himself still, buried inside my body.

His mouth is open and suckling at my shoulder as he begins to inch deeper while I try to adjust to him.  My teeth graze his skin as he pushes deeper and I cry against his shoulder, holding him down on my body.  It does hurt….it’s feels foreign.  I’m starting to cramp…that can’t be possible.

“You want me to stop?”  He sounds concerned but part of that might be because he thinks I will say yes.

“No.”  I shift my hips and swallow him up as he grunts and tries not to buck against me.  “Keep going.”

“Are you sure?”  No, I really am not but this is the only way for me to break in.

“Yes”

He finds my mouth as we lock into a sensual kiss as he begins to pull out only to push back in…very slowly.  It’s helping…his pace.  I deepen our kiss by forcing my mouth against him even more, tugging at his lip with my teeth.

Moments pass, and we find our pace…slow but absolutely pleasurable.  His hips move to and fro as I lift my legs and dig my feet into the back of his jean clad thighs.  His hand skims down my chest as it cups my breast through my blouse, squeezing and pinching lightly at my nipple before sliding back up towards my neck.  His mouth falls to my skin at my jaw and he sucks carefully, moaning my name against my skin.

“I’m not going to last long baby.”  He breathes against my neck as his movements become stronger, his hands now frantic against my body.  He reaches for one of my arms and pulls it from his back, dragging it up over our heads as he intertwines our fingers, squeezing tightly.

I shut my eyes as I feel the burn in my belly building.  I’m almost there.  I squeeze his hand tightly as my other hand digs into his back, my nails clinging into the skin.  His hips move deeply….not as fast he usually would be but I assume it’s because he is trying to maintain his gentleness.

“God Marlena…I love you baby.”  He grunts against my jaw and bites lightly as his hips push up and into me.  The friction between my thigh high stockings and his skin rubbing against it is making my skin sweat and itch.

“I love you too.”  My eyes close as my legs begin to twitch.

His hand pulls away from my hand that is pinned above our heads and he traces it down my body, towards my thigh as he yanks it up and over him.  His fingers spider across my lacy thigh as he pushes deeper and deeper.

“I want to fuck you so bad with these on.”  He cries out as I squeeze my thighs against his hips.  “I’m coming Doc.”

I close my eyes and move my hips against him.  Wait….not yet John.  He jerks against me and grunts loudly as he slams his eyes shut, holding still against my body.

He falls against my body and his head rests against my shoulder, breathing against my neck while placing slow lazy kisses there.  “God you feel so good.”  He pulls up to look at my face.  “You feel okay?”

I shrug and smile weakly.  “Yeah…”

“No pain.”  Pursing my lips together….I look up innocently.

“Nothing yet.”  Smiling, I peck his lips as I try to adjust beneath him.

“You didn’t come?”  He looks saddened as I wipe at the beads of sweat along his forehead.

“No….you beat me to it.”  I try to lighten the mood but he looks much too serious.  “It’s okay John…I had my moment earlier.  You can’t win them all, kid?”  I run my fingers through his hair as he runs his hands down my arms.

He starts to pull out from me, stilling for a moment when I wince from the pain that lies there.  “Are you okay?”

“Relax…I’m fine.  I always feel discomfort whenever you pull away from me.”  I smile and readjust my legs so that he crawls away easily from me.  When I try to close my legs and sit up, he places a hand over my belly to lay me back down and parts my legs again with his other hand.  “What are you doing?”

“Shhh….close your eyes.”

“Honestly….John, it’s fine.”  I try to protest…I do my best to encourage him to let this go.

“Close. your. eyes.”  Slowly, he lowers his face down between my legs and begins to tease me with his tongue.  I don’t buck nor do I really feel anything at this moment…I think the feeling is gone.  I lost it.

For moments, he kisses and massages but nothing really sparks up inside of me until I feel him slide his fingers inside and my breath hitches in my throat.  He starts off with one finger…and then two….before the third one begins to tease me.  He pushes them up into me as far as they can go and wiggles them to and fro inside as my legs shake in desire.  I shut my eyes and roll my head to the side as I feel myself getting lost at the touch of his fingertips.

I open my eyes when I hear him moan and I watch as he lowers himself to my center, watching me as his fingers move quickly and his tongue darts at my nerve bundle that is rapidly swelling.  His mouth clings to it as he sucks profusely against it while his fingers plunge absolutely deeply into my captivity.   I feel it building, burning, churning…and then it happens.  I shatter against him as I yank roughly against the cover below me while crying out his name.

It takes minutes for me to recover and regain my strength and when I finally do…I watch as he stands up, sucking each finger tenderly and lifts his pants over his hips before he walks to the bathroom across the room.  Returning with a warm washcloth, he spreads my legs and begins to wipe away the fluids that are coating my centre.  I’m still in a daze…still laying there along the bed helpless.  When he is finished….he pressed a light kiss against my sex and then crawls along side of me.

Tiredly, I face him and run my hand down his face before I lean into kiss him gently.  We stay near each others lips and linger there as he playfully nips at my lips and then makes soft pecks before grasping at my face and pulling me in for a deeper kiss.

“I think we should probably stop.”  He smiles against my lips before pulling away and throwing himself roughly down on the bed.

I pause for one second and realize….life does go on after John.  Reality hits and I gasp as I glance quickly at my watch.  “Shit….Damian.”

“Hey…relax.  What time is it?”

Sitting up, I begin to adjust my now very wrinkled skirt and lower it down my hips.  Adjusting the stockings on my thighs, I lift each leg and pull them higher up my thigh while glancing at John who can’t seem to help watching this little show.   “Much too late than I anticipated being here, having lunch with you.  Speaking of which….we didn’t eat….and I’m starving.”

“Me too….come to think of it…I’m really hungry.”  He lifts up and pulls an arm over my waist as he attempts to lay me back down.  “But I don’t want food.”

Pushing his hands away, I sit up tall and continue the task of getting ready in a hurry.  “Stop it John.  Enough…..no more.”

“Eh, you’re no fun.”  He throws himself back down and closes his eyes as I lift my skirt a bit higher to make sure my stockings are in place.  I find him peeking when I turn and glance at him.

“You should probably look away.”  I wink as I lift off the bed and start looking for my panties that I’m sure must be on the floor.

“Looking for something?”  He says this almost too playfully.  I look up at him as he lays there, smiling….his eyes closed.

“Where are my panties?”  I scramble around the floor looking under the bed and over the other side of the bed, but nothing.

“Why do you want them?”  Standing up, I sigh and walk over to him, crawling over his body and straddling his thighs.

“Because I need them.”  Why am I playing this game with him.  Maybe because I know he shouldn’t have any energy right now and I’m safe.

“I don’t know about that.”  He lifts his hips up and bumps into me as I feel his erection beneath my skirt.  My eyes widen as I stare down at him.

“Are you kidding me?”

“I’m insatiable when it comes to you baby.”

“Well stop…I need to go.  I’m late and our son needs to be picked up.”  I try to crawl off of him but he stops me by holding my hips.

“You’re not going to take care of me?  You’re going to leave me like this?”  He makes the cutest sad puppy dog faces but I don’t have time to play his game.

“I’m not having sex with you John.”

His eyes lighten up.  “Who said anything about sex?”

“I’m not giving you that either.”  Knowing exactly what he means, I try to crawl off but he holds me still.

“John, stop…honestly…I need to go.  Where are my panties?”

“Please baby….I’m going to be in pain.”  I pause and stare down at him sadly….quickly thinking.

Running my hand across his chest, I lean down and peck his lips and then his neck as my hand begins to skim between us and reaches for his erection.  “”I love you….but this is all you will get for now.”

I slowly begin to pump him in my hand as he closes his eyes and blindly reaches out to kiss my face.  I feel him twitch beneath me as I pull and rub, twirling my hand in circular motions before adding more speed to the process.

“Doc…please….let me put it inside you.”

“No…shhh.”  I pump harder as he groans against my jaw. biting and kissing me there.

“Please…you’re right there.  You don’t have panties on.”

“No.”  I tug harder and harder as my hand circles his shaft and I move in quick circles as I feel him hardening even more beneath my touch.  My index finger lifts and makes tiny circles at the tip of his penis as it plays with the small opening there.  Rubbing the small bead of warm liquid that has escaped his opening, I slide it around his tip and then remove my finger as I begin to move my hand quickly against him.

“Doc…”  He starts to choke out my name and I know this is it.  Crawling off of him, I quickly reach for the hand towel that he brought over to me earlier and prepare for what is about to happen.  Within seconds, I am stroking him so strongly that he begins to release himself….the creamy colored liquid oozes out and begins to slide down his shaft onto my fingers.

I move the washcloth over him and capture what’s left of the liquid as he thrusts tiredly into the air…into my hand.  When I feel that he has reached completion….I pull my hand away and wipe any leftover residue that I may have missed the first time.  Leaning down, I place the tiniest peck against his penis and then reach up and peck his lips.

“I need to go.”

“Wait…wait…you don’t have any panties on.”  He sits up and looks at me tiredly.

“Won’t be the first time that happened.”  I smile and climb off the bed as I slip on my shoes.

“Hold on…I have a better idea.”

“John…honestly….I need to leave.”  Grabbing the hem of my blouse…I tuck it in quickly before smoothing out the wrinkles in my shirt and skirt.

“No…it’s not that.”  He rises from the bed and walks over to me, pulling me in his arms as much as I don’t like the idea.  “How about, since we didn’t eat and that is my fault…well kind of.”

“How is it mine?”

“You got me angry.”  He smiles and pecks my lips.  “We didn’t eat…you’re hungry…I’m starving…and I’m sure my boy needs to eat.  So go get Damian…and I will meet you at a restaurant.  Your choice.”

“Umm…not sure.”  I try to remove myself from his hold but he doesn’t let go.

“Then I will pick the place…I’ll call you in a bit.”  Leaning down, he takes my lips in a gentle kiss and lingers against my lips for what seems like much too long.  When we break apart, he stares down at me and whispers against my lips.  “I love you.”

“I know you do.”  He makes a face and nuzzles my cheek while squeezing me tightly in a hug.

“Say it.”  His words are hot against my ear.

“I love you too.”  I smile and try to release myself from his hold.  I’m not trying to avoid him and I wasn’t trying to use him…I do love him…more then I could even explain, but I really do need to go.  He pulls me once more and places another kiss.  He also hands me my panties that were tucked into his pocket.

“Put these on.”  He bites my lower lip and smiles.   “See you in a few.  Go get our boy.”

XXVI.

Have you ever had a moment where everything just seems to be going wrong and you just have to stop and say…I absolutely do not need this today.  Well….that is how my day is looking and I can’t say I am thrilled about it.   I would like to say I have it all under control but I would be lying about that.  I’d like to say it is destined to get better but I also would be lying about that as well.

The morning started out rough…I was hit with a ton of work that needed to be reviewed and documented by lunch.  I had to report to John’s law firm and go over a few questions that they needed my input on.  That took up 30 minutes of my morning.  And then of course…no day is complete without a visit from my good ole Samuel.

I was literally at the edge, about to throw myself off…when there was a knock at my office door.  Tearing myself away from my desk, I went to greet the person and there was Samuel, dressed in his lab coat and holding an extra coffee cup in his hand for me.  I tried desperately to cover up my annoyance but I’m not so sure I succeeded when it came down to the tone of my voice.

He wanted to talk….God did he want to talk.  He wanted to discuss us.  He said that he could feel my rejection and that I was being quite too distant for his liking.  I held my cup of coffee patiently, wondering if now was the proper time to explain that I don’t think we would be working out.  Of course….I kept my mouth shut and let him go on about our lack of intimacy.  I wasn’t sure how much more I was going to be able to take until he asked….rather begged…if we could do dinner tonight.

These days I am so quick to have the word ‘No’ come out of my mouth but the look on his face pained me…I guess he deserved a dinner for the troubles I have been putting him through.  I agreed to it, as long as it was an early dinner and if the restaurant was close to the house.  I should have known he would have agreed to anything as long as he could have me for an hour or two.  We agreed on a location and I told him that I would meet him there by 6….and with that, he left my office, a little more hopeful than when he first walked in it.

As the day progressed, I had an unexpected lunch date with John….which was a nice little surprise.  I was grateful for the distraction and we had gone out to a small Italian restaurant not from the hospital.  He had mentioned that he had some time between his meetings with the law firm and arbitration, that he thought he would come visit me for lunch.  We didn’t talk about much of anything in particular as we sat there….waiting.  He had a glass of red wine and I stuck to water…after all…I am working.  Our food arrived quick and I twirled my pasta around my fork as he mentioned that court was going to begin soon.  It upset my stomach just thinking about it….so much was at stake with him and now that it was about to go to court…it was now serious business.  He tried to lighten the mood by saying he had the best lawyers that his money could buy….it didn’t help though.

We continued to eat as he brought up our sexual life….asking if and when we would be alone again.  Sadly, I didn’t feel like talking about it and advised him to concentrate on his case and not so much about our sexual needs.

I should have known that our lunch date wasn’t going to go well.  I should have known that he would connect my dinner plans with Samuel as to why I was avoiding our sexual interlude conversations.  Why must he always assume the worst?

I didn’t have to tell him my plans but I felt the need to be honest with him because I respect and love him….and because, should he find out later that I did go to dinner…I didn’t want him thinking I was sneaking around secretly.  I promised it was an early dinner and that it was just to break the news to him about how I couldn’t be with him.  But any time alone with another man that isn’t John himself…is no good news to him….and he roughly put down his glass after tossing back most of the alcohol in one gulp.  He snapped at the waiter for the bill and without even glancing, threw down a few bills and told him to keep the change for himself.  I was barely finished when he stood up and said we should leave.

I guess I was prepared for him to throw me into the backseat of his car and make love to me savagely…because he was upset and jealous.  But he didn’t.  I then was prepared for him to kiss me roughly when we arrived at the hospital….but he didn’t.  He only pecked my cheek and waited for me to exit his car.

When I walked back to my office, I was expecting him to call me on my cell or the office line to apologize…or to just basically tell me how sorry he was for overreacting…but he didn’t.  I guess I really must have upset him.

I forced myself to do some work…after all…I still had a deadline to meet.  I reached for the files and began reading endless paperwork…none of which I could really fully concentrate on.  John…he wouldn’t leave my thoughts and remained on my mind.

I should probably call him and apologize?  But why….what for?  What am I apologizing for?  I have done nothing wrong but tell him the truth about dinner.  I decide to go back to work or at least attempt to so that I could finish it all off once and for all.

By 2pm….I have the paperwork filed and sent over to another location in the hospital where it will be reviewed by the chief of staff.  I glance at my cell phone and realize I have no new messages or any missed calls.  I can’t help but wonder how odd that is…especially considering it’s been hours since John left and was able to cool down.  Perhaps he’s still in his meeting for the court case….that is far more important.

I decide to call it an early day since I don’t have any appointments scheduled or meetings to attend.  Grabbing my things, I head out the door and to my car.  Pulling open the door, I notice a small card between the wiper blades and my windshield as I grab it and open it up.

‘I can’t wait to see you tonight.  I’ve been missing you.  Until then….yours always, Sam.’

Oh brother…..this is going to be an interesting dinner.   Throwing my bags in the car, I crush the card in my hand and toss onto the passenger side.  Starting it up, I head on home which isn’t as quick as I anticipated because of the lunch hour traffic.  When I get home, I am greeted by my gorgeous, bubbly, little boy as he runs up to me… squealing my name and throwing his arms around my neck.  Picking him up, I bounce him happily in my arms as I place tiny kisses all over his face.  His small framed young babysitter, Katie…smiles at me as she walks up to us, holding his ball in her hand.

“Katie, how are you?  Thank you for watching Damian for me today.”  I smile as Damian begins rambling about his day.  I quickly peck his lips and tell him to hold that thought as I am talking to Katie at the moment.   He stops, Playing with my necklace as I look to Katie.

“I’m good Dr. Evans and please…don’t thank me…it’s my job.”

“I know but still…I know he can be a handful.”  I kiss his head as I try to set him down but he curls his feet up and continues to hang from my neck like a little monkey.  “How was he today?”  I squint as he tugs harder on my neck, pulling my hair a bit in the process.

“Very good…quite energetic today.”  She smiles and I chuckle as he continues to hang from me and wraps his tiny legs around my waist.

“I can tell.”  I kiss his forehead and try to put him down once more.  “Mommy is trying to talk to Katie…now be a good boy and get down.  Go show me what you have done today at school.”  I try to sound excited so that he can quickly hop down and run off which works perfectly.  He’s been attending this pre-K class twice a week to get him adapted to the school systems and if you ask me…two days isn’t enough.

“He has already ate….he should be ready for a nap in about 20 minutes or so and he dirtied his polo…which I took off and threw it in the wash so it doesn’t stain.”

“You’re amazing Katie…thank you so much.”  I lovingly touch her arm as I hear Damian screaming in the other room at the TV, clearly excited for a show and completely forgetting what I asked of him.

“Did you need me to stay?”  She looks at me curiously as I shake my head and smile sweetly at her.

“No sweetheart, you are good to go.  I’m done for the day so he is out of your hands.”

“Are you sure?”  Why does she seem so unsure?

“Yes, definitely.  You have been such a lifesaver lately…thank you again.”  I smile and call for Damian in the other room.  “Damian, come say goodbye to Katie…she is leaving.”  When Damian runs up to us, I lean down and place a gentle hand along his back.  “Tell Katie thank you for everything today and you will see her soon.”

He tries his best to stand there politely and say what I have told him to say before he scatters off and runs towards the living room.  We both look at each other and smile happily.

“Are you sure he is ready for a nap?”

“Yep…in 18 minutes now.”  She laughs and I walk her to the door as she says goodbye.  Before she walks out, she asks if I need anything else.

“No, no…go home sweetie….I’ll see you in a few days.  Thank you so much again.”

I am about to close the door when I hear her talking to someone in the pathway around the corner from the front door.  Stopping, I close my eyes when I hear the familiar voice.  Opening the door wider, I stand holding it by the doorknob as I wait for the individual to walk up to my doorstep.

“Is it 6 yet?  I thought I was going to meet you there?”  I force a smile when Samuel walks up to the doorstep.

“I know…but I got off a little early and thought I would head over…considering you left work early.  I figured you were here.”

“I see…well…now is not the best time.  I was going to spend a little time with Damian and then put him down for a nap.”

“No worries…I can relax for awhile…I don’t mind.”  Damnit…but I do.   Gosh, I really want to say this to him.  I should just tell him to go home and I will see him later but the nicer part of me decides to walk away from him.

“Damian…Sweetie…say hi to Samuel.”

“Hi.”  He turns to him and quickly turns back to the TV as he jumps around happily dancing as he follows the characters on the screen.

“Hi there little buddy….what are you watching?”

“Wiggles.”

“Awesome show.”  I arch my eyebrow at him as I stand behind them, cross armed.   Even I wouldn’t admit to my 3 year old that this ridiculous show is awesome.   Deciding to go to the kitchen, I begin opening cabinets as I look for something to snack on…nothing big but something to hold off this hunger.  I find some Ritz crackers and I start munching on some while searching through today’s mail.  “You’re going to ruin your appetite.”

I jump at his voice and I turn to look at him as I smirk and turn back to the mail.  “No, I just wanted something small to munch on is all.”  I flip through another piece of mail and then open it as he moves closer to me.  Man.  “Do you want something to drink?”

“No I’m good.”  He stands closely to me and I begin to get uncomfortable with his staring.  I clear my throat and pretend to be busy reading a bill when he moves away…and then I feel him behind me as he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me to him.  And now I am officially uncomfortable.  “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

“Sam..” I try to protest and move out of his arms but he pulls me closer, nuzzling my neck.  “Hey, can you stop please.”  I’m trying to be polite but he really is working my last nerve and invading my space.

“What…you don’t want my hugs?”  As if my pulling away wasn’t enough hints that I don’t want him close to me.

“No, not right now.”  I try to tug on his hands that are locked in front of me be doesn’t budge.  He smiles against my neck and buries his nose in my hair.  “John…please.”

And then there is dead silence….and his hands immediately unlatch from my waist and his body pulls away.  I close my eyes and curse myself….why did I call him John?  I turn to look at him slowly…absolute dread completely written all over my face.

“John?”  He looks so unsure and scratches his temple as he smiles and shakes his head.  “I’m not John.”

“I know you aren’t…I’m sorry.”  My apology doesn’t seem to phase him.  “It’s a habit.”

“I’m sure.”  He turns away and pulls out the chair at the counter.  Sitting on it, he folds his hands together and rests them on the counter as he shakes his head.  “Am I always going to be number 2?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Number 2 when it comes to him?”  I drop my gaze….I can’t even look at him.  What made him even think that he was special enough to be number 2 in my life?  That was mean….I need to stop.

“It’s not like that Samuel….I’ve just been with John for so long…its a force of habit is all.”

“Is that all it is?”  He looks up so sadly and perhaps now is the time to break it to him.

When I don’t answer him and turn away, he leans forward in his chair and stares at me.  “Marlena?”

“Hmm?”  I don’t bother to turn around and look at him…he calls my name again.  I finally turn to look at him and sigh heavily.  “He’s the father of my children…he will always be in my life.  I’m sorry if you are not comfortable with that but that’s something that can never change.”

“No, you’re right…it can’t change.  But that is not what I am questioning.”

“Then what are you questioning?”  I stop what I am doing and look at him…from across the room.

“I’m questioning whether what you and John have is simply a parenting bond…and nothing more.”

I nod but don’t say anything, I only stare back at him.  Are we really going to do this right now?

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Is that all it is?”

“Yes, we are parents…and we will always be parents.”  He shakes his head and stands, walking slowly over to me until he is standing in front of me.

“That’s not what I asked?”

“Yes you did and I answered it.”  This is getting much too serious…perhaps we should have this talk at dinner instead….somewhere public.

He stays quiet for a moment…staring at me.  “You’ve slept with him, haven’t you?”  I swallow roughly and turn my face away…unable to take his close proximity.  “You’ve been sleeping with him.”  He reaches to touch my chin and turn my face towards him but I snatch my face away from his fingertips.

“How did you even arrive at that assumption?”

He chuckles and shrugs his shoulders while looking at the doorway of kitchen before looking back at me.  “Call it a gut feeling.”

I raise my eyebrows and cross my arms.  “I see.”  I try to move away but he holds his arms out and rest them along the counter behind me….blocking me in his hold.

“So is that a yes?”

“Can you stop this please?”  I feel like a trapped animal in a corner….I don’t like this.

“It’s a yes, isn’t it?”  His face is tightening…he is getting upset.

“Samuel…stop.  I didn’t say it was a yes.”

“But you’re avoiding the question which in turn…makes it a yes.”

“Not necessarily.”  I try to break away but he pulls me back into this small confined space he has created with his arms.  “Stop it.”

“Why are you even running back to him?  What makes him so special?”  He is absolutely upset…I can hear it in his tone.

“I never said I ran back…you are completely jumping to conclusions here.”

“Am I?”  He shouts and I stiffen, complete anger now taking over the guilt I had earlier.

“You need to lower your voice and get away from me.”

“Why can’t you just be honest…you’re fucking him, aren’t you?”

“I can’t imagine how that is any of your business, considering we aren’t together.”

“Oh we aren’t?  This is news to me since you had no problem running around with me here and there months ago.  Remember that?”

“I’m sorry….I didn’t know accompanying you to parties and dinners automatically made me a girlfriend.”

“I see how it is…you’re a tease when you need to be.  When he is gone…you’re right back at my side.  I got it…I guess it isn’t my turn yet.”

“You need to leave my house…now.”

“I’m not leaving Marlena.”

“Leave now.”  We both turn and see my three year old standing there, frightened.

“Mommy…”  Damian is standing in the doorway of the kitchen and is staring at me and Samuel.  I know they say that toddlers aren’t advanced enough to realize a serious situation but I have a feeling that Damian knows something is wrong…he looks uncomfortable.  He is staring at us in confusion…almost a hint of fear is coating his face as he stands there, holding my phone.  My phone?  I thought it was in my purse in the foyer.

“Baby…what is it?”  I walk away from Samuel and duck down to him as he pouts a bit, sticking out his lower lip and breathing heavily as if he is about to burst into tears.  Pulling him in my arms, I hug him tightly as I kiss his head.  “No, no, no….don’t do that to Mommy.  Don’t cry baby…there is no need to cry.  It’s okay.”  He starts to cry harder and I pick him, swaying him gently.  I turn to Samuel as he looks slightly guilty but still upset.  “You need to leave…now.”

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to yell.”

“Out.”  I try to keep my voice calm as I sway Damian.  “What were you playing on Mommy’s phone, hmm?”

He cries more into my shoulder as I hug him tighter.  My poor baby.  This bastard has officially burned his bridge with me….it’s one thing to be mad at me about John…it’s another thing to yell at me because you are upset…its entirely something different when you scare and upset my baby.

I reach for the phone and notice there is no app open.  I scrunch my face as I nuzzle Damian’s face and try to coax him.  “Were you trying to play a game with Mommy’s phone?”

He shakes his head and begins halting his sobs, breathing heavily against my neck.

“What were you trying to do then baby?”

He lifts his head to look at me and then back at Samuel as he drops his head again to shield his face.  I turn towards Samuel and stare at him coldly.

“Why are you still in my house?”

He holds up his hands in surrender and tries to plead with me.  “I’m sorry…hold on…please….I didn’t mean to snap.  Please let me explain.”

“I don’t want to hear anything from you anymore.  Just leave.”  I’m really trying not to make a scene with my son in my arms but this man is pushing it.

“Marlena…please let me…”  He starts to walk toward us as Damian sees him and starts screaming and kicking, shouting for him to stay away from his Mommy.

“Baby…it’s okay. Shh, don’t worry…Mommy is fine.  Relax.”  I kiss his head and rub circles on his back as I coldly glance at Samuel.  “I want you out.”  Opening my phone menu, I start going through the phone app when I notice recent calls.  John?  I didn’t talk to him last.  And then I feel Samuel snatch the phone out of my hands and place it on the counter top as he looks sadly at me.

“Please hear me out.”

“Jesus, Samuel…if you don’t leave here now…”  Damian is crying louder as I try to bounce him in my arms.

I don’t hear the door nor do I even hear footsteps behind me.  All I hear is that deep angry tone as I quickly turn and look behind me.  “Get the hell out or I’ll move you out myself.”

John?  How did he know?  What is he doing here?

John stands tall as he stares Samuel down while I try to back away towards John and shush Damian, kissing his head.  John only glances to me for a second before leaning close to our son and rubbing his back, kissing the back of his head and telling him that Daddy is here.

“Take Damian upstairs, now.”  He growls at me and then looks to Sam.

Samuel looks to me and then at John before he smiles and shakes his head.  “Don’t worry…I’m leaving.”  He begins to walk away and John steps up and starts to follow him out but Sam stops and I close my eyes.  I can’t witness what is about to happen next.   This cannot be happening.

Damian cries loudly as I try to console him but he ignores me….I think he senses the tension in this room and it makes him uncomfortable.

“Get him upstairs.”  John snaps at me but I don’t move….I’m afraid that if they do, they will erupt into a full blown brawl and redecorate my house.

“John, stop this…let him go.”  I reach out to touch his arm but he yanks it away and turns to me sharply.

“Damnit Marlena…get my son out of the way.”

“This is what you want Marlena?  An overbearing asshole who dismisses you and treats you as nothing more then another notch on his belt?”  My mouth drops as I stare at Samuel as John shifts in his stance.   I look up and notice John biting his lip as he begins to clench his fists at his sides.

“Careful there pal…you’re on thin ice.  Get out of my wife’s house?”

“Your wife?”  He smiles as he turns to leave but stops again.  “She hasn’t been your wife for quite some time….maybe you need to face reality….pal.”  He says the last word so slowly….almost as if he is baiting him…that I know this will be the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.

“John…please…let it go.”

“Yes, John…let it go.  I’m out of here anyway.”  He looks to me and winks, giving a small smile.  “I just want you to know that I’m not done here…I’m not giving up on you.”

“Leave now.”  My voice is filled with disgust as I bounce my crying son while John moves in front of me….shielding me.

“Have fun fucking my girl for now….because when your sorry ass is locked away for life…I will be the one here…comforting her…at home..in bed…and being a father to that little one right there.”  He points to me and Damian and John smiles angrily, closing his eyes before lunging for Samuel and yanking him by his collar.

“John, no.”  I shout as Damian turns frantically to look at what is going on.  God, I should not be standing here allowing him to see this.

“Get the fuck out of this house and don’t let me find out you’ve been back here.”  John shouts at him as he slams his roughly against the wall in the foyer, knocking down some picture frames.

“John…stop it.”  My child is screaming frantically as Samuel tries to hit John back, but John pulls away and then steps back for a second and swings roughly at his face.  My heart collapses as John drags him by his shirt and yanks him out the front doors, down the path.  I don’t bother to look anymore as tears begin to fall endlessly down my face while I try my best to comfort Damian.

I know he is scared…I know he must be feeling all kinds of emotions…emotions he can’t voice out.  I also know he is overly tired and my best bet is to try to get him to sleep…but I can’t imagine how that is going to happen now that he is so frightened.  I decide to go upstairs…away from all of this mess and try to calm him…hopefully put him to sleep.

I take him to my bedroom as I close the door and sit along the bed, rocking him in my arms.  He fights me at first, screaming and kicking but still clutching my blouse in his small hands tightly.   “Shh, it’s okay baby.  Everything is okay…relax for Mommy.”  I whisper against his face as I hear my voice crack and feel my tears slide down my cheeks.   “Mommy is right here…she won’t let anything happen to you baby.”

My mind races back to what could possibly be happening outside but then I stop…I don’t want to know.  Focus only on our son…he is all that matters right now.

Within ten minutes, I have Damian knocked out and completely sprawled out in the center of my bed.  Grabbing a small throw blanket from the corner arm chair in the room, I throw it gently over Damian and make sure he is securely blanketed.  With a small kiss, I press my lips to his forehead as I whisper how much I love him.  Running my hand down his chubby face, I watch him twitch only to purse his lips and fall right back to sleep.

I hear the door behind me open and I hold my breath….hoping that what I am about to see won’t effect me too much.  I turn slowly to look behind me and see John standing there….shockingly still in order.  With the exception of his jacket missing and his loose tie…you wouldn’t be able to tell he was in the middle of an altercation moments ago.   His face is still tense but his posture seems relaxed.

I walk up to him carefully and I search his face quietly…looking for any signs of injury.

“How is he?”  He whispers as he looks over at the bed.

“He’s fine…better now.  He was really tired.”

“I’m sure.”  John walks around me and then over to the bed as he leans down, placing his hands into the mattress and hovering over our son.  Placing small kisses on his head, he reaches out and rubs his hand across his body before bringing the blanket up to his neck and making sure he is snuggled up.  When he walks back to me, he looks at me but doesn’t reach out and grab me.  “We need to talk.  Let’s go downstairs.”

I follow him quietly out the room and close the bedroom doors as we make our way down the steps.  I notice the picture frames are up off the floor and back on the walls of the foyer.  I look around anxiously to see if anything else had been changed but I notice everything in order.

When we come to the living room, he stands silently and waits for me to sit on the couch…but I don’t….I’m much too tense.  “You wanted to talk?”

“Yep…”  He stares at me angrily…his hands planted firmly into the pockets of his trousers.  “I don’t want this man around here anymore…nor do I want him around my child.”

“He won’t be…we’re done.”

“I’m serious Marlena.”

“I am too.”  He bites his lip and nods, watching me closely.

“What was he doing here?”

I should argue with him and let him know that it isn’t any of his business but I can’t do that…if he wasn’t here today…I don’t know what could have happened.

“I don’t know…he showed up at my doorstep unexpectedly.”

“Is he stalking you?”

“I don’t know.”  I shrug my shoulders and wrap my arms around my waist tightly.  “Maybe.”  I walk to the window and look our at the front lawn.  “Did you know he was here?”  I turn to look at John and he is staring at the wall….not sure what he could be thinking.  “Why did you stop by?”

He stands quietly at first…staring at Damian’s baby pictures on the wall.  “I didn’t like the way we left off at lunch….so I decided to give you a call…I wanted to apologize.”  I stand and listen to where he is going with this.

“So I tried to call your office but your assistant said you left for the day.  I thought it was a bit early but whatever…I figured I would call your cell and see if I could pick up Damian earlier since I was babysitting him tonight.”

“Okay.”

“So when I called…it rang quite a few times and I was about to hang up and send you a text when Damian answered it.”  I smile at the thought and then I stop and think…that’s why he had my phone.  “I started talking to him and then I asked to speak to you.”

“That explains why he had my phone…I thought he was trying to play a game.”

“Yeah.”  John smiles and goes to walk over to the fireplace….moving some of the frames in different positions.  “So as Damian went to find you…I could hear voices in the background…almost like arguing.  Voices that belonged to a man…obviously I knew your voice.”

I tighten my hold on my stomach and swallow the lump that is now present in my throat.  “How much did you hear?”

“Enough to know that I needed to step on the accelerator and rush over.  I was already about 10 minutes away or so.”

“I guess that explains why you were here so quickly.”

“Anyway…I hung up after I heard Damian say Mommy….I couldn’t bear anymore and I knew…I just knew…I needed to be here immediately.”

We are much too calm…or I should say he is much too calm.

“I see.”  I pause for a second before I glance at his tie.  “What happened outside?”

“Nothing for you to worry about.”

“John…”

“Stay away from him Marlena…I mean it.”  His face is so serious….that I stop and make a face.

“I told you…it’s over between us.”

“I don’t believe that.”  And here it comes….there is the anger I’ve been waiting for.

“Why would you say that?”  I walk up to him as he eyes me angrily.

“That bastard could have caused so much damage here…He could have hurt my son.”  I cut him off quickly.

“No, no he wouldn’t have hurt Damian…I would never have allowed that.”

“Stop it…he could have hurt him.  What good would you have been if he hit you and knocked you out?  Then what Marlena?”

“Oh John…stop this…that would not have happened.”

“How in hell would you know what he is capable of?”  I shrug and look the other way.  “What if he snapped and decided to rape you here…in front of my son.  You’re defenseless.  Then what?”

“Stop being ridiculous…that would not have happened.”

“God Damnit Marlena….Listen to me for once.”  He reaches out and grabs my arms, yanking me to him.  “I don’t want to see that man around any of you anymore.  He is psychotic.”

“Let go of me, John.”  I try to push off of him but he yanks me back.

“Listen to me.”  John’s jaw tightens as he begins to speak slowly.  “Stay away from him.”

I slap his chest as he releases my arms.  He stares at me angrily….his chest heaving, his fists clenching.    “I already told you I don’t plan to…why don’t you listen to me.”

For a moment he stops…as if he is finally comprehending what I am saying.  “He could have hurt you…and I would have never been able to live with myself if that happened.”

“He wasn’t going to hurt me.”

“You don’t know that.”  John shouts so loudly that I look towards the ceiling.

“Stop it…you’re going to wake Damian.”

“I will kill that man if he ever comes near my family again….if he so much as contacts you…”

“I got it John…..I told you…its done…we’re over.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”  I stop and stare at him…not able to find the words I really want to say.

“Because you choose to believe that…you choose to make yourself miserable.”

I walk away but he reaches out and grabs my arm to stop me.  “You belong to me.”

I snatch my arm away.  “I don’t belong to anyone.”  Turning away, he reaches out and grabs me again and takes my face in his hands.  With a powerful kiss, he takes my mouth in a breathless lock that I stumble back as he guides me to a wall.  I try to push away and moan in his mouth but he grips tighter and kisses even stronger than before.

His tongue is quick to enter my mouth as he groans against my lips, sucking all the air out of my body.  “You’re mine.”  He bites my lips and pins my body against the wall, lifting me up quickly.  He guides my legs around him as he presses our bodies together and reaches for my mouth.

Nipping at my lips, he tells me he loves me…that he never wants to see me with anyone else.  I beg him to stop…that I don’t want to do this…I don’t want to make love but he ignores me.

“Come back to me…let’s be a family again.”

“John…stop…don’t do this.”  I cry against his mouth as he pushes his hips against mine.  Too many emotions are running through my body….the court case…Samuel…the drama….what Samuel might have done if John had not come over….too much is going on.

“I want you back…I want you always.  Take me back.”

“John.”  I whine against his mouth before he tangles our tongues together.  I feel his hand between my legs as he starts unbuttoning my pants, releasing the zipper.  “John, please…..I can’t do this.”

“I love you baby.”  He bites my neck as he tries to loosen my pants from my hips but at this angle, and with my legs around him…it’s near impossible.  “Please let me make love to you.”  He places kisses along my collar as he says this as I close my eyes and feel his smooth lips against my heated skin.

“John…”  I start to hear him fumble with his belt when a loud cry fills the room and we both stop, glancing up at the ceiling.

“Mommy.”  Damian screams from the bedroom and I hear John sigh as he drops his head against my chest, trying to contain himself.

“I need to go.”  Unwrapping my legs from his waist….I quickly stand to my feet and button my pants as I make my way to the staircase…leaving John standing there, in the living room…alone and utterly disappointed.

“Doc?”  I stop at the staircase and look towards him as he pauses for a moment before walking towards me.  “I’m not leaving tonight…I’m staying right here with you and my family.”

I only nod and begin to climb the stairs to go get Damian.  In a way…I’m glad he isn’t leaving and will be staying the night.  I’d be too scared to stay here alone with Damian and we need John as much as John needs to be here with us.  At the end of this all…he is our protector and he always will be…regardless of what happens in the future.

XXVII.

I’d be a fool to say that I don’t need him in my life or in the lives of my children.  I don’t know where we would be if he hadn’t been there to control the situation, save the day, or simply take us under his wing and protect us from the storms that we have faced.

But then there are times…times that he pushes every button I have, to infuriate me.  Don’t get me wrong…I love that he is there for us and that he would give me the world if I asked it….but I absolutely despise when he tries to tell me how to run my life.  I so badly want to scream out that it’s my life and he has no say so on how I choose to live it…but then I stop and try to control my temper. It’s not worth the fight…at least that is what I keep telling myself.  I’m sure I should save my energy for something a bit more serious….but then he opens his mouth again and points a finger for me to do something…and then it’s over.

Tonight would be one of those nights.   At first, he mentioned that he was staying the night with me and Damian and I was completely fine with that scenario…I honestly was.  I accepted that it was for the best, especially with Sam who may or may not be looking for revenge.  I was even considering having us sleep all in the same room because…I felt safer that way.

The script changed and somehow I found him in my bedroom, grabbing my overnight bag and rummaging through my closet.  Of course, I asked what he was doing and he simply turned to me and said for me to pack my bags, we were leaving.  With that, he walked out the room and headed for Damian’s room where he started opening drawers and pulling out clothes, pajamas, socks and throwing them into another bag he had pulled out of my closet.  I stopped him midway through the packing and asked if he had lost his mind.

He only looked at me as if I had lost mine.

He continued to pack Damian’s bag as I tried to pull the bag away from him.  He shouted for me to stop and began opening our son’s toy chest, pulling out a few of his favorite toys and throwing them in the bag.

As luck would have it, of course our son would walk into the room and see his father packing his things.  John, being the overbearing man that he is, got Damian completely excited about sleeping over at Daddy’s…that Damian ran and began packing other toys.  For him, this was a treat.

I wasn’t happy…I was furious.  When John had finished throwing whatever he packed in the bag, I told Damian to finish gathering his toys and that I had to speak to his daddy.  With that, I followed John into my bedroom and snatched my bag out of his hand.

I shouted that I didn’t want him grabbing my things and that he needs to stop overreacting…we were in fact…staying the night here.  He wouldn’t hear of it and reached for my bag again to which I plucked it out of his reach.

‘We’re leaving…and that’s that.  Pack your stuff right now.’  He tried to walk out the room but I threw the bag on the floor of my closet and closed the door in there.  He was quick to turn back and move me out the way, going back into the closet to retrieve my bag.  ‘We are not staying here…so either you pack your things right now or I will pack it for you.  We’re staying at my house tonight and that’s final.’

I was ready to argue back…I was so ready to throw something at him until my son ran through the bedroom door, carrying his toys and shouting he was ready to go.  I bit my lip and shook my head, knowing my battle was over.  John only looked at me and said for me to hurry…that our son was ready to leave.  With that, he picked up Damian and carried him out the room and downstairs.

The drive over to his home was quiet….more so tense than anything else.  Damian had fallen asleep in the backseat and I was staring out the window, doing my best to ignore John.  I was so upset….this was ridiculous.  I didn’t want to be at his house….It wasn’t my home.  I hated his townhome.  In fact…I had only been there once…and I don’t care to talk about that time either.  We pulled into his garage slowly and before he could even put the car in park, I had my door open and hopped out.  Without so much as even saying a word to him, I unlatched Damian from his carseat and pulled him into my arms, carrying his small frame into the house while John grabbed our bags.

It’s odd how much I knew my way around for only being there once.  When I walked into the living room, I looked around before deciding to put Damian to bed…it was much too late for him to be up anyway.  John was quick on our heels as he too looked around before mentioning that he was putting the bags upstairs.  Following him, I made my way up the stairs with this heavy sleeping child against my chest and watched as John dropped the bags off in the master bedroom to the left.  Knowing Damian had a room there…I walked in the opposite direction to look for his room and came across a guest room.  Smiling, I walked inside and placed my son down on the bed, removing his shoes, and socks in the process.  Knowing I had to go back for the bags because Damian’s pajamas were in there….I sighed and decided to go to Damian’s room…surely he had to have some pajamas here.

Quickly digging in his drawers after finding his adorable bedroom, I gathered his pants and t-shirt and headed back to the room….quickly dressing him in it before covering him up.  Stretching my neck to the side, I rub the kinks there when I feel John’s hands on me, rubbing the same spot I was touching.  I tense under his touch and try to move away but he holds me still and rubs his fingers deeper into my skin.

“What are you doing in here?”

I bite my lip and close my eyes…..here we go.  “Getting ready for bed.”  I feel his hands stop as he breathes in deeply.

“The bedroom is the other way.”

I shake my head and look to Damian sleeping.  As long as he is right here…we won’t get into another shouting match.  “That’s your room…Damian and I will be sleeping in here tonight.”

His hands move away from my shoulders as they grab my upper arms and turn me to face him.  “What are you talking about?”

“Sleeping arrangements.”

“Have you lost your mind?”  He is looking at me as if I am making some kind of joke.

“No, have you?  Why would we sleep together?”

“Holy shit.”  He stares at me as he releases my arms and places his thick fingers at his thin lips, thinking as he stares at me.  “You have got to be joking right now.”  He keeps his voice low as he stares at Damian and then back at me.

“No, I’m not.  I honestly think we should sleep apart…we would just confuse things if we slept in the same room.”

“What in the hell are you even talking about?” He smiles and shakes his head.  “Do you think I am going to rape you in your sleep or something?”

I sigh and try to move around him but he blocks me by stepping to the side.

“I’m talking to you…answer me.”  I hate when he talks to me like that…as if I am his child more so than his partner.

“No.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said no…I am not going to answer you.  I have things to unpack and then I am going to bed…alone.”  I look at him as I stress the word alone.  I try to move around him but he blocks me yet again and I so badly want to shove him out the way.   “John.”  I warn him as I move around him but he grabs me by my arm and I slap his hand away.

When I get out into the hallway, he catches up to me and yanks me back towards him.  I hate this….I hate how we play right into this all the time…I’m so tired of it.  I’m too weak to push his hands off of me so I stand there, eyebrows raised and look at him angrily.

“What is the matter with you?  What is the problem?”

“I have no problem other then you manhandling me.  Can I not get a goodnight rest alone in the guest bedroom?  Why do you have to make everything so complicated?”

“You can…in my bedroom…where I can keep an eye on you?”

I stare up at him and cross my arms, freeing his hands off me.  “Only me…not your son?”

“Yes, he has his bedroom.”

“As I have mine…now leave me be.”  I turn to leave but he grabs me again and I dramatically roll my eyes and whine out his name.  “Stop touching me.  You don’t need to put your hands on me for me to listen to you John.”

“You’re going to take your ass in that bedroom and your going to get comfortable while I move Damian to his room….and that is it…end of discussion.”  He points to the room and I laugh, shaking my head.

“You can demand all you want…I’m not sleeping in the room with you.”  I close my eyes and rub my face with my weak hands.  “Look, it’s been a long day, I’m exhausted…so much has happened…excuse me if I don’t want to roll around in bed with you or have sex.”

“Who said anything about sex?”

I raise my eyebrow as I laugh.  “Oh okay…As if I don’t know the man standing in front of me….you’ve suddenly changed your demeanor within the last few minutes.”  He looks confused.  “For as long as I’ve known you…you always react with sex and you will do so tonight…I know you…and I’m not up for it.”

“I won’t have sex with you…I just want you safe.”

“I’ll be safe in the guest room…now let me go please.”  I turn to walk but of course, he reaches out and this time, grabs the material of my top.  “John, stop it.”

“If you won’t sleep in my bedroom then I am sleeping with you in the guest room…that’s it.  Final.”  He walks away from me before I can protest and heads downstairs.  I grit my teeth and curse out his name as I walk angrily towards his room and begin searching through my bag.  Why of course….why would I have anything decent in here.  I should have never let him throw stuff in my bag…why didn’t I double check anything?  I knew he started packing but when I stopped him and took over….I didn’t bother to check what he had put in and only packed clothes for the next day.

Pulling out my black long silky negligee, I hold it up and look at it tiredly.  I haven’t wore this in ages…and I never wear this to sleep….I mean clearly by the way its designed.  With sheer portions throughout the stomach  and sides….the back is completely cut out and the silk covers just the right amount of cleavage and then it dips low in the front.  This was not made for sleeping…this bastard.

Yawning, I throw is back in the bag and start looking through his drawers….I’m sure he has to have a pair of joggers and T-shirt in here.  Finding a large gray shirt and a pair of black silk pajama pants…I walk to his master bathroom and quickly begin undressing while reaching to turn on the water in the bathtub.  Walking to the mirror, I stare at myself and notice how exhausted I look.  Figuring he doesn’t have any hair clips, I brush my hair to the side and hold it in up as I crawl into the tub and lower myself into the bubbly warm water.

It feels incredible as I arch my legs and bury my feet underneath the water where the cascading water falls from the sprout.  I need this moment….I need this relaxation and I can’t say I have had much of that since my surgery.  With lazy hands, I rub the bubbly water along my arms before leaning my head back and closing my eyes, listening to the water continuing to splash into the tub.

Why doesn’t John just let me have my way?  That’s all I can think about as I sit in this tub.  Why must he make everything so difficult?  I know he is trying to protect us but sometimes he overdoes it.

I glance at the door…wondering if maybe I should have locked it.  I quickly shrug off the idea, knowing that even if I did that…knowing is over protective self…he would break it down.

Within 30 minutes, I manage to shower off the bath oils and wash my body before drying off and climbing into my temporary pajamas.  With my clothes bunched in my hands, I shut off the light and exit the bathroom as I find Damian sleeping in the middle of John’s bed.  I scrunch my face as I look around for John but I don’t see any sign of him.  Throwing my clothes onto of my overnight bag on the floor near the closet, I crawl on the bed and check on Damian.  Did he walk in here?  No, he didn’t know I was in here…he would have cried or just gone downstairs.  Perhaps John moved him.

Covering him tightly, I lean down and kiss his cheek and smile at his sleeping form before climbing off the bed and deciding to head downstairs for a drink of water.  When I reach the bottom of the steps, I make my way through a corridor and come across John sitting in his office, staring at his computer screen and sipping on a small glass of dark liquid.  I’m assuming it’s scotch.  He always drinks that when he is feeling stressed.

I should just keep walking and ignore him….but I think we need to talk.  Really talk.

Walking into his office quietly, he looks up from his screen and does a weak smile before sipping on his drink and turning to look back at the screen.  It’s times like these that I wonder who should break the ice first.  I decide to take the plunge and go for it.

“Busy?”

“For you….never.”  He sits back in his chair and brings his glass to his lips.  “What’s up?”

I start to look around aimlessly and see various awards he has been given for his business and some pictures mounted on the wall with a few celebrities.   One picture catches my eye and it appears to be a family photo that we took when Damian was just a year old….how in the world could I have forgotten about this image?  I smile softly as I stare at Damian…his big smile with only a couple teeth poking through his gums…his dimples very noticeable.  And then there is John and I….both looking at him as we laugh happily….quite the candid image.  I forgot how much I loved this picture.

“I just wanted to grab a bottle of water…and I saw you sitting in here.”  He stares at me and dips his head slightly to the side as if to say…yes obviously.  His eyes then dart over my clothes as he brings the glass to his lips again.

“Nice outfit.”

I look down and smooth down the large shirt.  “Well I would have wore my own pajamas but someone didn’t pack the appropriate clothing…so I dug through your drawers for something more comfortable.”  I stare back at him as he nods.  “I hope you don’t mind.”

He sits up and clears his throat…hitting a few buttons on his keyboard.  “Not at all.”

Somehow…we have run out of topics and I’m wondering if I should just turn to leave.  Perhaps that is the best idea…I’m tired anyway.  “Well goodnight John.”  I turn to leave when I hear him call my name.  I turn to him as he continues to stare at his screen.

“Why do you always fight me on things?”

“I’m sorry?”  I place a hand behind my back and stand tall as he pushes back away from the desk and sits back into his large black leather chair.

“Why do you have to make everything a battle?”

“Are we talking about the sleeping arrangements?”  Which reminds me…I need to ask him about Damian.

“I’m talking about in general.”

I could fight him on this but I won’t….I’m too tired.  “Since when have I ever let you have your way without putting up some type of argument?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”  I sigh and cross my arms in front of me.

“Because if I didn’t…then I wouldn’t be that woman you married so long ago…or that woman you fell in love with.”

He smiles into the rim of his glass as he gulps the contents of what was left in that glass.  He quickly sighs after that harsh swallow and places the empty glass on his desk.

“Why do you think so little of me?  How could you assume I would do anything to you that you wouldn’t want?”

“What are we talking about now?”

“You know what we are talking about.”

“Sex?”  Why am I not surprised.  “Is that what this is about?”

He sighs and looks to the wall where our family picture is hanging.  “What has happened to you?  You used to trust me?”

“Well….divorce changes that.”

“That it does.”  He is straight faced and quiet.

“John…for the record….I didn’t think you were going to do anything to me.  But I know you…..I know the kind of man you are.  Sometimes you can’t take no for an answer.  It’s not that you will force yourself onto me…you just try and try until I give in when I never wanted to in the first place.”  He listens but doesn’t budge in his seat.   “You always react with sex.  When you’re nervous, when you’re upset, or even scared….sex is always the answer for you and I’m sorry but that’s just not how I see it.”

He smiles and stands up from his chair…walking over to the wall of pictures.  “For the record…I didn’t want to sleep with you.”  He sticks his hands in his pockets and sighs as he stares at a picture of him and some brunette.

“No?”

“Nope.”

“And what about earlier?”

“I was talking about tonight.  Earlier was a different story.  There was a simple attraction…but that’s over.”  He turns to look at me.  “I read you loud and clear Doc….I’m on the same page?”

“Meaning?”  I’m curious…what is he talking about.

“Meaning that obviously we were on different pages before but you’re right….we are no good together.  We only survive going based on sex and it’s not healthy.”  He smiles at another picture.  “I’ve been thinking about what you said before….and you’re right.  We’re parents….and that’s all we should be.”

Where in the world is this coming from?  Did I mention that we shouldn’t be together sexually?  Maybe I did…but I was simply upset…I would never turn away from him and tell him to run to someone else.

“I only wanted to sleep in the same room with you because I wanted to protect you.  I promise I had no other intention.”  I don’t know why but that admission stings.  I guess I never thought I would hear my John Black actually turn away the thought of seducing me.  What have I done to this man.

“Why this sudden change?”

He looks to me much too quickly and then shrugs.  “Tonight just really opened my eyes is all.  Plus…I should really be concentrating on this court case.”

“Yes, you should.”  I bite my lower lip and look around the room before throwing my arms to my side.  “Well…I’m off.  Goodnight.”

I want to cry….I don’t know why but I do.  I’m like this huge ball of emotions right now.  I’m like a small child in the heart of a tantrum and I don’t know exactly how to react.  I’ve been dismissed….and it hurts.

Grabbing a water bottle, I quickly jog away and up the stairs to the bedroom where I find Damian still tucked away and completely out of the night.  Staring out the window, I sip on the water bottle and feel a few tears escape me.  I’m so confused…why am I like this?

Did I take my pills today?  No…I did not…this is why I don’t know whether to rant and rave or breakdown and cry.  I hear the light footsteps of John as they come into the room but I don’t turn around.  I only see his reflection in the glass as he moves around the room, undressing out of his attire before walking toward the bathroom, clad only in his fitted boxers.

I swallow roughly as I breathe deeply and close my eyes.  Turning from the window, I walk to the bathroom and see him standing at the toilet, clearly I’m intruding on a private moment.  I turn my face away and plan to walk out but he spots me at the corner of his eye.

“It’s not like you haven’t seen it before…why so shy?”

“I’m sorry….I didn’t mean to barge in.”

Is it wrong that I am staring at him, more so….what’s in his hand?  I need to stop this…I am so confusing right now.  I need my pills…this is ridiculous.   And I left them at home too.

“No problem…go ahead and do what you need to do.”  He finishes up and flushes the toilet as he quickly washes his hands and walks around me, out to the bedroom.

When I join him back in the bedroom, I see him sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at his phone.  I walk over to him him and kneel before him slowly.  Looking up, I take the phone out of his hand and place it down on the mattress.

“I need to know something.”

“What?”

“I want you to be honest with me.”  He only nods but doesn’t look as if he is fully concentrating on me.  “Are you worried about this case.”  He nods again.  “Are you scared?”

“Of course I am.”  He clears his throat and looks to his side.  “The fact that I may never see my son again absolutely scares the shit out of me.  I don’t want my boy growing up without a father.”  His legs bounce nervously as I try to lay a hand on them to calm him.

“It’s going to be okay…it’s going to work out John.  You must believe that.”  I reach up to touch his face….I am so upset with myself for acting like a child when he clearly has so much on his plate already.  “You’re going to be there for son and you are going to watch him grow up.  You will.”  I stress those last words as he shakes his head, dropping it.

“I’m not so sure about that.”  His voice cracks and my heart breaks.  “What if I lose this case…then I lose him…I lose my entire family.  I can’t handle that.”  He really drops his head that I can’t even see his face as I try to lift his chin but he flinches away.

“John, no….that won’t happen.”  Tears fall from eyes as he begins to sniff and I completely lose it….I lose the urge to remain strong.  “We will all come out of this…this was some stupid mixup that will clear itself.”

“No it won’t.”  He finally looks to me and I can see it in his eyes…the fear.  “Even if this case comes out cleared…we still will have problems….we will always have problems.”  I’m thrown back by that comment and I’m utterly confused as to what he means by that.

“John?  What do you mean?  Don’t think like that.”

“We will Marlena…we will.”  He begins to sniff more and I reach up and wipe the tears from his eyes.  Without hesitating, I stand tall on my knees and throw myself against his chest, wrapping my arms fiercely around him as I hug him tightly.  He hesitates at first but then moves his arms around me.

“I’m scared Doc….I’m so damn scared.”  He cries into my hair as he pulls me to him tighter…holding me close to him.  We both stay locked in a tight embrace as he runs his hand in circles against my back.  My tears fall against his bare shoulders as he continues to cry, telling me how sorry he is.

I’m so out of the loop…why is he sorry?  About this case?

“Don’t be sorry.”

“I’ve ruined everything…I’ve ruined us…our son’s future.  I don’t deserve my family.”

“Stop talking like that.”  I press my lips near his ear as I hold him tighter while he wraps both of his strong muscular arms around my waist, squeezing me to his chest.

“I don’t want to lose you.”  He mumbles against my jaw and our foreheads touch, both of us breathing deeply from our emotions.  “I’m going to lose you.”

“No you won’t.”

“I want you safe….I need you to be safe.  This is why I do the things I do…I can’t lose you.”

I whisper softly between us.  “You won’t lose me.”

We both close our eyes as he rubs his nose against mine…and then to my cheek before his lips lightly tease and brush against mine.  It feels like hours before his lips rub against mine and we both sigh into our opened mouths as we mesh together, holding each other tightly.

Our kiss really isn’t one of passion nor is it seducing…it feels more like one that is out of fear.  Fear of losing each other.  It only lasts a few seconds before he pulls away and shakes his head, apologizing.

“We can’t….I’m sorry.”

I am stunned but I agree….we don’t need this.  We need to stop acting on sex.  He lets me go a bit and helps me stand up as he holds my hands tightly in his.  “I love you Doc…I honestly do.  And I do what I do to keep you safe.”

“I know you do….”  He stands up and pulls me into another hug, holding me tightly as he whispers that he is scared again….but he hopes things will turn out for the better.

He helps me climb into bed and covers me up once I am snuggled against Damian.  I blink heavily and watch him crawl on the opposite end of our child and lay there, staring at me as our child sleeps undisturbed.  I place my hand against Damian’s back and watch John sadly.  He grins tiredly and places his hand over mine, intertwining our fingers against Damian’s back as we lie there…motionless…and between us is a beautiful child that we created together out of a deep love and undying passion that until this day continues to live on.

“This is all that I wanted…to be just like this tonight…and nothing more.”

I pause…feeling like such a fool.  “I’m sorry…for causing such problems and thinking otherwise.”

“Shh…just try and get some sleep.”  He smiles and squeezes my hand tighter as he leans in to kiss Damian’s head.  I too lean in and place another kiss on Damian’s cheek, before leaning over Damian and pressing a light kiss against John’s lips.    After a second, I pull away and place my head back down on the pillow.

“I love you John…don’t ever forget that.  And I love and appreciate everything you have done for me…for our family.”

“Always…”  He whispers and then mouths it again as he rubs his thumb against my hand.  “Get some sleep.”

With those final words, I closed my eyes and for the first time…feel completely relaxed and safe.  With a beautiful little boy that owns my heart lying between me and this gorgeous generous man that holds my heart….I realize this is my life…no matter how much I try to deny that.  This is what completes me.

XXVIII.

The loud shouts from my over excited son, fill up John’s townhome on a very bright, very early warm morning.  He is singing along to his favorite program as he claps his hands and shouts the words to the horrid song that is playing along the speakers.  You know, I would be able to tolerate this nonsense if the volume was low on the TV, however John appears to have everything wired completely to surround sound.   The fact that the ridiculous music plays entirely over every part of the room is enough to drive anyone mad.

Sitting at John’s desk and looking over some documents on John’s laptop in the office, I quickly realize how far behind I am.  I am just around the corner from the living room when I hear Damian shouting at the TV.  Knowing that he will certainly wake his father if this keeps up, I stand and walk over to the room, instantly watching as he hops up and down on John’s leather couch.

“Damian Michael…have you lost your little marbles?”  Quickly walking to him, I toss him at my side and place him on the ground as he looks disappointed.  “Don’t jump on the couch…what has Mommy told you about that?”

“But…its fwun.”

“It’s also dangerous and Mommy is not in the mood to sit in the emergency room all day because you busted your little behind.  Now please play on the ground and try to be quiet…daddy is still sleeping.”  I point to the ceiling as I bring my index finger to my lips.

“I wake him up?”  He is prepared to run off but I grab his little arm and bring him back.

“No you don’t….you stay right here and watch your show.”  Smiling, I peck his lips and ruffle his hair as he nods and then looks back to the TV.

Sitting back in the office, I flip through different folders in my email and start reading over some documents that most likely need to be dealt with today.  I close my eyes and sigh…Gosh I’m so tired.  I didn’t sleep very well last night…from having minimal blankets to being kicked most of the night…I’m lucky if I got maybe 3 hours of real sleep.  John and Damian, on the other hand, slept like babies and even until now….John is knocked out.

I glance at the time on my phone and take notice that it is still only 8:30 in the morning . I’ve already been up for almost 2 hours.  How ridiculous.

I close out the email and go back to Damian who is now sitting on the floor.  I ask him if he is hungry and like magic…he is up on his feet and bouncing behind me as we make our way into the kitchen.  I begin searching through cabinets…I have no clue what John has in this place.  I’m sure he must have something for Damian here.  Finding some of Damian’s favorite oatmeal….I begin preparing that as Damian waits patiently….only tugging on my leg a few times to ask about his food.

In record time, I have him sitting at the table, eating his breakfast as he flips through his comic book that John bought him.  Personally, I think he is much too young for that but hey….boys will be boys and Damian seems to be drawn to the images.

I decide to have something light and start picking at fruit as I quickly dart through today’s newspaper and occasionally glance over towards my son.  I have so many errands to run this morning but I can’t do them until John is up…and I don’t want to wake him just yet.   Checking the time again, I realize that John must be absolutely exhausted to be sleeping this long.

Thinking back to how my morning started, I stare out the window and start recalling a time frame.

At 6:45am….I was kicked out of my sleep when Damian stumbled awake, looking around the room lost.  He smiled when he noticed me and leaned down to peck my face…telling me to wake up.  I quickly hushed him and crawled out of bed…taking my overnight bag with me.

By 7:30am…both Damian and I had a bath, he was dressed and playing with his toys as I finished getting ready.  Slipping into my jeans and casual black top…I straightened my hair out and barely applied little makeup…knowing that eventually I would have to step out and I did not want to do my makeup then.

Around 7:45…I had Damian in front of the TV as I started cleaning up a bit around the house…as if it were my home.  It gave me time to think….think about our future.  What were we planning to do going forward?  Are we doing this again…are we getting back together?

8:00 am had me in front of the computer and up until now….I still had not decided how we are going to go about this.  Perhaps I shouldn’t think about it so much and just go with it.

Damian starts laughing and it snaps me away from my thoughts.  I place down my fork and walk over to him at the table.  I lean down, kiss his head, and ask if he is done eating.  Not Surprisingly…he is not.  I urge him to eat a bit more or else that wonderful comic book his father gave him will be put away.  And, like magic…he is concentrating on his bowl again.

Within 30 minutes….Damian is done with his breakfast and I am cleaning up the dishes as he plays in the living room…this time with his toy cars.   I’m back at his side after a few minutes and sit with him as he shows me his comic book.  I nuzzle his face and ask him who loves him more?

He shouts Mommy as I laugh and squeeze him tightly.

“Now…that isn’t fair.”  We both turn to see John standing there…dressed in jeans and a fitted T-shirt…and barefoot.  I don’t know why but it kills me that he walks around barefoot.  I’m more of a sock person….if you won’t wear shoes…at least wear socks.

“Good Morning Daddy.”  I squeeze Damian as I speak for him while John smiles and walks over to us.

“Good Morning My Son.”  He leans down and kisses Damian’s forehead as Damian giggles.  He turns to me and whispers before pecking my lips quickly.  “And Good Morning to you too beautiful.”

I smile because I don’t have a response and I feel Damian squirm from my hold as he scrambles after John, leaving me on the floor.

“Are you hungry John?”  I call out as I hear John moving stuff in the kitchen.

“No…just coffee.”  He shouts from the kitchen and I nod…looking around the living room as Damian comes running back in.

“Mommy…we show Daddy movie?”

“No Damian…it’s over.  Let’s show him something else.”  I try to sound excited but he shakes his head and demands we turn it on.

“Damian…calm yourself down.  Listen to me little one…”  I reach for his hands and pull him in front of me.  John walks into the room with a mug in his hand as he takes careful sips.  I look towards Damian as he meets my eyes.  “The show isn’t on baby….we can watch another one.  I am sure there are so many more exciting shows on TV.  Let’s look for one.”  I hitch my voice up a notch to get him excited and it seems to work.  He smiles and then looks back at John for approval.

“Go for it Son.”  John smiles at the rim of his mug as he takes another sip while Damian turns to me and I fumble with the controller to change the channels.

When we find one show in particular…Damian screams in excitement and starts hopping up and down.  That seems to keep him distracted as I turn and look at John who appears to be amused by his son’s actions.  “Sleep well?”

“Like a baby.”  He takes another sip as I nod slowly.

“Glad someone did.”  He lifts an eyebrow and purses his lips together.

“You didn’t sleep well?”

“How could I?  Between you two kicking off the blankets and your son shoving me off the bed, maybe even a few kicks…I can’t imagine a better night’s rest.”  I laugh and watch Damian as he starts singing along to the song that is playing on TV.

“I’m sorry.”  He does his best to make a pout and places his mug down on the side table.  “You could go take a nap right now…I have him from here.”

I shake my head and arch my neck.  “As lovely as that sounds, I have so much work to do and I need to do a few errands.  I’ll sleep tonight.”  I smile sadly and slowly lift myself off the ground.  “I’m going to do a few more emails and then I need to take off.”  He nods gently and looks over to our son who now has stopped singing and staring up at me.

“Mommy, where you going?”

“Mommy has some work to do.  You stay here with Daddy…show him your games.”  I try to sound cheerful but his face drops.

“No, no….stay.”  Oh boy…he is starting to whine…usually not good signs.

“Damian, stop it.  Mommy needs to do a little work.”  I grab him and sit him down on the couch, pecking his forehead as I promise that I will play with him shortly.

“Mommy, peas…stay wif us.”  I smile sadly and shake my head.

“I can’t…I’m serious buddy.  I have work to do.  Stay with daddy.”  Standing up, I give John a quick glance and walk over to his office to begin my work.

Time shockingly flies by and I rub my tired face when  I notice a couple hours have passed.  I don’t hear much of my son which surprises me.  I figure he must be down for his nap…it is about that time already.  Closing the laptop, I stand up and roll my neck as I let out a small yawn.  I’m deeply exhausted but I know I still have so much to do.  If Damian is in fact sleeping, this is my chance to get out the house and run my errands.

Walking into the living room, I notice that Damian is knocked out cold on the couch with a blanket draping over him.  His little hands are balled and tucked under his chin as he is slightly curled under the blanket.  John is sitting beside him, playing on his iPad and I assume he must be reading something interesting because he doesn’t bother to lift his head to acknowledge me.

“You finally finished up?”  John is still reading his iPad as he asks me the question.

“Not completely but enough for today.”  I whisper quietly as I lean over my child and press tiny kisses along his face while covering him up all the way.  Standing up, I start to walk past John when he clears his throat and I look down to him.

“Going somewhere?”

“I have a couple things to do, yes.”

“Outside?”  He finally looks up to me and does his infamous eyebrow lift.

“That would be correct.”

“I don’t want you out there alone.”

“Oh stop it…I’m not going to do this with you right now.”  I hold my hands out and back up so that I can walk away.  John is quick to shake his head and place down his iPad on the coffee table.  He is right behind me when I am in the dining room grabbing my purse.

“I’m serious Marlena…I don’t want you out there alone.”

“We aren’t going to do this today John.”

“I’m not trying to start issues here Doc….I’m just trying to protect you.”  I turn around so quickly that he steps back an inch.

“Oh my Gosh…what do you think is going to happen John?  Do you think I am going to be kidnapped?”

“I don’t know…I rather we not find out.”

“You rather lock me up in this house as if it were some sort of prison?”

“I rather you sit down and relax and we can all go out in a bit to run your errands.”

I shake my head and cross my arms angrily.  “I refuse to do that.”  I bite my lip in anger….there is so much I want to say but I probably shouldn’t.  “This is why we can’t do this anymore….you won’t let me be.”

“You don’t want me in your life because you feel that you have no freedom?”  He laughs and shakes his head.  “Sorry you feel that way.”  He backs up and starts to walk away but I follow him and stop him.

“That’s not what I meant.”  He stands still but doesn’t look at me.  He still has his back to me.  “What I meant is that you won’t relax….you won’t let me breathe.  Nothing is going to happen John.”

“You don’t know that.”  He growls those words so angrily at me.

“You don’t know anything either…you simply assume something could happen.”

“I do assume and so far….its been keeping you safe….and it’s working.”  He tries to walk off but I stop him again by placing a hand on his back.

“John please….I don’t want to argue with you.  Just trust me for once…and believe me when I tell you nothing will happen.”

“I can’t do that.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”  He finally turns towards me slowly.

“I won’t let you out of my sight.  Not when I know what he is capable of.”

“John.”  I sigh tiredly but he stops my thoughts when he grabs me by my wrists and pulls me towards him.  He presses my body to his and he holds me closely in a tight embrace.

“I won’t chance anything….you aren’t walking out of here unless I’m right at your side.”  He whispers these words in my ear and I turn away in anger, angry that he just doesn’t get what I am trying to say.

He doesn’t release me when I try to pull away.  “Please let go….I don’t want to do this.”

“Do what?”

“This.”  I struggle to get him to release me but he doesn’t.

“And what exactly do you think ‘This’ is?”  He stares down at me curiously, not moving an inch when I try to wiggle out of his arms.

“John, I mean it.”

“Answer my question.”

“Which is?”  I look up tiredly as I stop fighting.

“What do you mean by ‘This’…when you said you won’t do this?”

“I meant that I don’t want to play this game with you.”

“I see.”  He looks down at me quietly and then tries to move his lips towards mine.  I turn away quickly but he pulls me to him even tighter.

“I don’t want to do that either.”  I mumble against his cheek when his lips skim towards my ear.

“You don’t want me anymore, do you?”  His voice is quiet…almost too quiet.

“I never said that.”

“But I know it.”  He nips at my ear and I melt in his arms.  My hormones are such a mess right now.  One minute, I can’t stand the idea of him touching me….the next:  my body is on fire by his quiet confession.  Oddly enough, I’m even more turned on when he rejects me.

When he pulls away to look at me, my eyes are heavy and dark and they blink up at him, heavily.  “I never said I didn’t want you.”

“You don’t love me anymore.”

“That’s not true.”

His lips come near mine and he barely touches them before pulling away.  “Then prove it….come to me?  Be with me….be mine again…but this time….for always.”  He whispers so softly that my heart thumps quicker as my lower body begins to tingle.

I’ve come to terms that I can’t fight him anymore…I want him as much as he wants me.  I want this relationship probably as badly as he does…but I’m good at keeping myself in denial.  This might be the only way we survive…we can’t be without one another.

John quickly seals our lips together as he buries his tongue within my mouth, stroking mine with complete passion.  With his fingers buried in my hair, he tilts my head to the side as he gains full access to our deep sensual kiss.  I don’t know much of what’s happening but I do know that he backs me towards the archway of the dining room and lifts my right leg up at his side as he pins his body against mine.

With quick skillful hands, he runs his thick fingers down my breast and squeezes them gently through my blouse before moving his hands down between our bodies.  I bite his lip in shock when he cups me through my jeans and applies pressure that made me sizzle against his hand.

“Upstairs.”  He groaned against my lips but I protested when I held him against my body.

“What about Damian?”  Who would have thought that Damian would have fallen asleep so quickly on his favorite movie…which turned out to be a big plus for us.  And as much as I would love to put him upstairs in his room…John would most likely argue that suggestion because he feels we should let him sleep wherever he has passed out and since any movement just might wake him up completely, its best to let him be.  And if we were to move him now…well then our moment would be over.  I guess he’s right. I decid not to tempt fate and leave my covered sleeping child along the wide couch.

“He’s knocked out…he won’t be up for hours.”  He has that dark look in his eyes.

I know what John really wants….and he’s not alone.  I want him just as much…if not…more.   I move towards John’s lips and softly take them in mine as I hold on to his back.  The mood is shifted when he pins me to the wall again and kisses me fiercely….squeezing me in his arms.  I want to undress him….yank his shirt over his head in the middle of this room…but he stops me.  He backs me away from the wall and turns us slightly.  Never removing his arms from around me or his lips from my mouth, he guides us back to the stairway.

He yanks my body towards him when I start to lose my balance and practically shoves me up the stairs while biting and kissing at my lips.  We clumsily crawled the up the steps….well. he actually climbs just fine…I have more of a challenge considering he has me climbing the stairs backwards.

“We need to get upstairs quicker then this.”  He nips at my lip as I stumble on the step.  Within seconds, he swoops me into his arms and climbs effortlessly….taking each step two at a time.  When we come across his room…he places me on my feet and shuts the bedroom door.

I speak up and suggest he leave the door partially open but then I remembered…Damian can wake up and climb up the stairs and into this room at anytime.

He watches me with dark eyes as he walks slowly towards me, removing his shirt over his head.  With a powerful hand, he clutches my jaw and leans towards my face. running his mouth over my cheek until it rests against my mouth.  His free arm reaches behind me and pulls me to his hard body, his hand instantly reaching down and squeezing my behind hard.  I moan into his mouth as his tongue begins to twirl around mine, applying much pressure to my lips.

It’s going to be rough….I can tell.  And I’m okay with that….because I want nothing else other than rough sex at this moment.

My hands are twitchy as they run down his chest before clinging to his muscular arms as he now uses his other hand that was on my jaw…to clamp onto my backside as well.  I am moaning much too heavily because I am over excitedly turned on.  The sad part is I can’t be as loud as I want to be….but I can afford to make some noise since Damian is not sleeping down the hall.

John’s hands have now left my backside and begin to rip at the button on my jeans before yanking down the fly of my pants.  I cry out when he grits his teeth and yanks the rough material harshly down my hips.  Lowering himself, he rips the material down the rest of my legs as I step out of them, kicking them to the side.  He looks up at me from the ground as he leans in and places his face towards my centre as he nips and breathes in the scent that clearly turns him on.  He glances up again when he stares as he carelessly tears my lace panties from my body, making me squirm and shut my eyes.

The next thing I feel is his mouth against my sensitive skin as he slowly slides the tip of his tongue back and forth along my lips.  I want to cry out….I want to slam his face against me but he doesn’t move much.  My legs still remained closed and they are shaking with every lick he gives.  His hands run up my hips and along my stomach…under my shirt as he reaches for my breast and squeezes while increasing the pressure of his mouth.  Instinctively, I grind against his mouth as I dip my head back and moan out his name.

I no longer feel his lips on me when I open my eyes.  He is standing in front of me…his lips wet and his eyes nearly black with desire.  He reaches for my shirt and yanks it over my head and onto the floor…leaving me only clad in a  black see-through lacy bra.  My eyes follow his hands as he reaches for his button on his pants and pops it open…lowering his zipper slowly.  I wait for the next move but he stops and I am struck with shock….why did he stop?  He  says nothing at all and only walks around me, and sitting at the end of the bed…waiting for me to turn and look at him.   When I do…he watches me and takes my hands until I am standing in front of him…our knees touching.  He begins to lay down slowly….closing his eyes and breathing heavily.

“Climb over me.”  His voice is deep…really deep.

I do as I’m told and part my legs as I straddle him, standing on my knees above his hips.

“Move up more.”  I’m confused but I continue to move further up his body until I’m at his stomach.  “More.”

Again…I slowly move up until I’m at his chest.

“I want to taste you…I want you right here.”  He brings his fingers to his mouth as he licks his lips in anticipation.   I can’t say we have ever done it this way so this is a serious first…and its turning me on in more ways than I can describe.

Carefully, I maneuver my knees around his shoulders until I am hovering over him…waiting for him to make his next move.   He reaches up and grabs my hips, running his hands all over my skin until his fingers slide between my thighs and he slowly slips them up and down my centre.

“Very Wet….just like I like you.”  He places his fingers into his mouth and hums against them, and lifts his hips in the air.  He guides my hips down onto his mouth and I try to balance on my thighs, not wanting to put pressure on him.  He yanks me roughly down on his mouth and I am practically sitting on his mouth as I feel his tongue instantly twirl at my centre and dart in and out.  My eyes immediately close and my head dips back as I groan towards the ceiling…while my hands ball into fist against my stomach.  My hips rock to and fro against his mouth as he begins to move his mouth faster beneath me.  His hands are cupping my backside and guiding my pace as well as holding me still when I get out of control.

I feel myself burning inside as I rock my hips even more….the feeling of his mouth absolutely pleasurable.  My hands clutch at the skin on my thighs as I sing his name, grateful that my son is nowhere near within earshot.   I can feel that intense tingling feeling building in my lower region and I prepare myself for the finale when he moves me up and moves my leg over his head…sitting me down on the bed.

“Not yet.”  He smiles and teases my thighs as he drums his fingers up them.  “You taste incredible.”  He licks his mouth as he leans up and takes my mouth in a deep sensual kiss.  Clumsily, I reach out and grab his face but he backs away and tries to catch his breath.

I push him back and crawl down his body as I trace my lips down the path of his hairline.  My nails skim down each groove his abs while I begin to nip at my intended target, through his fitted shorts.   He slowly bucks as I playfully nip at him and with one hand, I pull at his waistband and bring it down, exposing the tip of his penis.  I flick my tongue against it as he breathes heavily and slams his head against the mattress.

My plan is to give him as much pleasure as he has given me but he stops me before I can even take him into his mouth.  Instead, he begins to yank the material from his jeans and boxers down his hips as he kicks out of them.  Helping him, I toss it onto the floor and try to go back for him but he stops me.

“Get on top of me….now.”  I hesitate at first but then decide to do what he says.  He is holding his penis in his hand as he pumps it lightly and quickly, prepping it.  With my thighs apart and on each side of his hips, I wait above him as his free hand goes to my hip and guides me down onto him….while his other hand holds himself up as it slides into me.

It’s not as slow as it usually is with us.  When he slides in, its rather quick and he pushes up all the way into he fills me to the hilt…without giving me the chance to adjust.  My hands squeeze his forearms and my nails dig into his skin while I cry out…the tightness much too overwhelming.  His hands are now planted firmly on my hips as he pushes and pushes before removing himself only to move right back in and further.

My eyes are shut and I am trying my best to keep up.

“I want to fuck you baby.”

I hear him but I just can’t, just yet.  I’m really trying to adapt.  I feel bump his hips in short thrusts below me as he holds my hips still…and I breathe out his name.

It takes minutes for me to adjust….minutes before I am fully riding on top of him as he groans my name hungrily.  He bounces his hips up as they pump furiously below me, bumping me forward continuously that I have to place my hands along his chest to hold my balance.   His right hand rises between us and he cups my breast through my bra and continues to pump beneath my hips.

“John….”  I breathe out his name as I close my eyes and feel my insides tightening.

He pulls my breast out over my cup and then moves to the other one as he moves rougher.  I dip my head back and feel him as he moves incredibly between my walls.  His ridges hug every crevice that I about explode at the way he moves before he sits up and wraps his arms around me.  The movements have paused and his mouth takes my nipples as he sucks furiously against them…lightly nipping them between his teeth.  My fingers run through his hair and I cradle his face to my chest as I instinctively grind my hips.

I feel his fingers behind my back as he unclasps my bra and slides the material down my arms and throws it on the bed beside us.  His mouth searches for mine as we lock in a erotic kiss while his hands run down my back and cup my backside.

When we break apart…he pulls out of me and moves me off his lap as he crawls behind me.  Adjusting me on my hands, he holds my hips still and parts my legs a bit more.

“I love you at this angle.”  He says through clenched teeth as I feel him slide back into me.  At first, it’s a slow movement…which shocks me because I was prepared for him to slam into me.  I feel him as he pulls out slowly only to slide back in tenderly while sighing audibly.   I feel his small baby thrusts as he plunges softly and short while gripping my hips in his large hands.

Within seconds, the pace changes and he begins to slam into me with full force.  I shut my eyes and brace myself along the bed as he continues to plunge roughly, slamming himself all the way in, his tip buried deep near my cervix.  I cry out whenever he hits a spot and I feel myself weakening with each movement he gives behind me.

I can hear our skin rapidly slapping against each other as he grunts loudly while now moving his right hand up my back and resting on my right shoulder.  He uses that as leverage as he moves deeply within and continues to pound.   I drop my head and moan his name as I shift frantically to and fro along the bed from his strong movements.

His fingers begin to move to my hair and I feel as he gently tugs on my hair, pulling my head back a bit while he pushes inside harder, and faster.

“You like this?”

“I do”  Breathlessly, I cry out and feel my insides melting from the friction.

“Good.”   He begins to slow down….and he’s pulling out gently and only allowing his tip to tease me.  His right hand moves from my hair as he leans down along my back and snakes his arm in front of my while gripping my breast.  Squeezing roughly, he toys with my nipple in his fingers while gently grinding at my backside, his thick tool rubbing in between my sore cheeks.

His lips kiss my shoulders and then the back of my neck before he lifts up on his knees.  Placing his hands on my waist, he slides himself back into my centre and begins to pump again…this time not as quick as before.

“Open your legs more for me.”  I do as I’m told and suddenly…it feels entirely more pleasurable.  His hips seem to have deeper access and something keeps tapping at my lips whenever he pushes deep inside and quickly.

I am about to explode….I can feel it tightening and I’m sure he feels it too.  I continue to move my hips against him and meet him with every thrust that he gives.  His movements slow again and I shut my eyes in anger….knowing he is going to make me lose it completely.

“Don’t stop John.”

“Shhh.”  His thrusts are light and then I feel him lift my waist so that I raise up from the bed.  When I do, he pulls me slowly to his chest and gathers my long hair, piling it to the side of my neck.  He then wraps one arm around my waist, holding me still while his other arm crosses my chest and his hand goes against my throat.  “I want you to relax…and let me handle all of this.”  His words are heavy in my ear as he tightens his hold on my waist.  I feel him shift his hips a bit as the tip of him pokes beneath me.  “Don’t move.”

I shut my eyes slowly when I feel him slip inside and his hand squeezes my throat.  I sigh loudly as he moves himself in and out of my body while he holds a firm hold at my throat.  This is completely erotic for me…my body is on fire.

“You turn me so much like this.”  He bites my ear as he continues to plunge into me.  I want to scream out…but I know I can’t.  I feel his hand toying with my breast as he plunges faster into me while holding my neck.  I try my best to grind my hips back at this angle but he stops me when his hand leaves my breast and snakes down to my centre where his fingers lurk until it finds what it’s in search for.   Instantly my breathing hitches as his fingers wiggle and flick between my legs as I try to move my hips.  I dip my head back on his shoulder as he starts kissing and nipping at my neck while still holding my throat with his other hand.   “I wanted to do this to you so badly last night.”  I knew he did….I know my John.

“John.”  I cry as I begin to hear that ringing in my ears.  My hips move quicker against his hand as he continues to slide roughly behind me, hitting all the right spots inside.  My body is experiencing  sensory overload between his fingers on my centre, his tool buried inside me, hip lips at my neck and his hand squeezing at my throat gently.

“I’ve been wanting to fuck you all morning.”  He continues on as he pushes harder.  “Watching you with my son turns me in more than you know.”  He bites at my neck.  “Seeing you mothering my child makes me want to throw you down and fuck you uncontrollably.”

“John.”  I shut my eyes and feel that intense burn…..It’s coming.  “Baby…I’m….”  I cry out loudly….probably a little too loudly but I could care less at this moment.

He releases me from his chest and allows me to drop to my hands on the bed but his other hand remains near my face and on my jaw.  Lowering himself along my back, he hovers near the back of my head as he begins to plunge roughly and deeply as I cry out into his hand.  His thrusts are beyond quick and I hear his bed creak as he intensely moves behind me.  I bite at his fingers as they hold my jaw tightly and I slam my eyes closed when he hits that spot that makes me fall apart.

Instantly, I let my hands give away and drop my head to the mattress, screaming his name repeatedly as I explode entirely over him while my body goes numb from the ecstasy its experiencing.   I continue to hear the headboard squeak and the mattress below me shift but then it stops.  Did he finish too?  I don’t feel him slump over me and his breathing is still quite heavy.  It doesn’t matter much because I have my face buried into the bed, my eyes heavily blinking as I try to recover from the tidal wave that hit me.

The sudden loss of his thickness leaves my insides and I feel his hands grip my waist and turn me over until I am flat on my back.  My limbs are completely unsteady as they fall easily at the guidance of his hands.   He stands on his knees and scoots closer to me while lifting my legs into the crook of his arms which lifts my hips up and off the bed.  I breathe harshly when he slides back in and slams himself to the hilt.

The rapid pace begins again as he starts to plunge harshly into me while I keep my eyes closed and moan as quietly as I possibly can.  I remember thinking that his stamina is absolutely out of control because I can’t imagine that he hasn’t lost it yet.  My eyes blink as I watch him lift my legs back and towards my shoulders as he puts his full weight against the back of my thighs.  With my feet dangling on the sides of his shoulder, I’m completely open to him in every way possible.

My fingers reach up and grasp a handful of his hair as I tug while he thrusts frantically at my centre which in turn, causes me to groan passionately and repeatedly.  It’s building again.  He cries out my name…and chokes on his gasps as my toes curl and I squeeze his forearms with my nails as I absolutely feel it again.  My stomach feels as if I am free falling and it tickles with pleasure as I feel him pump away above me before he removes my legs from his shoulders and allows them to fall at his sides…naturally and wide.  My feeling is suddenly gone….I lost it.

His hand reaches to my jaw and holds me still as he takes my mouth and thrusts deeply while crying out into my mouth.  Immediately do I feel his seed spilling into my insides as he pumps gently, tiredly….lazily while his lips continue to toy with mine.  Our tongues poke at each other as I wrap my legs around him and pin him to me tightly.

When we finally part, he stares down at me lovingly as he runs his hand down my face before kissing my lips gently once more.  “You didn’t?”

“I did.”  I lie…badly.  Why am I even lying to him?  It’s not his fault.  He was doing everything right.  I did find my release earlier…just not this time around.

“No, you didn’t.  I know you.”

“Shhh…I did.  Don’t ruin this moment.”  I lean up to peck his lips and thankfully, he succumbs.

“Don’t ever leave me….promise me.”  He looks sad when he says this.

I hold him tightly to me as I smile against his lips when I kiss him again.  “I promise you…I’ll be here for you.  You are my world…and I truly am lost without you.”  We stay quiet for a moment, simply staring at each other as our fingers trace lazy patterns along our flesh.

“So we’re official?”  He smiles and pushes into me again, signs of his now fading erection proving that his moment is now over.

“Is that what you want?”  I’m joking but at the same time…I truly want to know if this is what he needs in his life.  Does he really want me back?  I know he has his moments but lately I haven’t been so sure.  One minute he does, the next minute he can ignore me.  We’re both so confusing at times.

“Of course it is….I’ve always wanted you in my life.”

“How did you survive without me for those few years?”  I laugh as he places tiny kisses along my collar.

“It wasn’t fun…I’ll tell you that.”  He bites at my neck and begins to kiss my skin there deeply before pulling away and looking down at me.  “There was a lot of self pleasuring going on.”  He licks my neck softly and I sigh.

“Oh yeah?  Who were you thinking about?” I smile and he laughs quietly.

“Why do you ask?”

“You don’t have to lie…you can say someone else.  It’s understandable”  I’m really hoping he doesn’t though.

“I always pictured you.”  He kisses me softly.  “I pictured this mouth on me.”  Another kiss.  “I pictured your legs open to me as I tasted every inch of you.”  He licks my lips this time.  “I imagined you on top of me…your eyes closed, your hands on your breasts as you rode into me.”  He nips my lips now.  “I imagined me on top…buried so deep inside of you, with your legs around my waist.”  He’s bringing that burning feeling again back into the pit of my stomach.  I’m still on edge since I couldn’t find my release.  “So is that a yes?  Are we officially back as one?”

I smile and toy with his chest hairs.  “Yes….I guess.”  I smile when his face tenses.  “Yes, it’s official.  You’re stuck with me Pal.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.”  His words are low as he leans down towards my lips.  I allow his tongue in my mouth and lift my hips to rub against him, in hopes that I can get one more out of him.

“One more time…”  I whisper against his mouth as I lift my hips again.

“Well, well….I think I created a monster.”  He laughs against my mouth as he adjusts himself while I spread my legs wider.

“I suggest you do something about that Black.”  I feel him rubbing himself against me as he starts to slide back in….his erection strikingly hard.   Arching my head against the pillow, I mouth quiet words against his jaw.  “That’s it, John.”  I blindingly search for his lips and suck them.   “Make love to me this time.”

His movements are slow and quiet as we both lay tangled together.  My hands reach behind him and grip onto his backside as I urge his thrusts into me.  I cry into his shoulder as he gently makes loves to me, whispering in my ear how much he loves me.  With soft cries, I return the gesture and express how much I love him as well.

He turns us and has me laying on top of him with my chest against his and my legs nestled at his sides.  I take his mouth and slide back down on to his erection, slowly rocking my hips against him.  I want to lose control so badly right now because I feel myself on the brink, but I take my time instead and move quietly.

Lifting up from his chest, I reach for his arms as they hold my hips and I continue to move slowly, rocking gently above him as my body moves in wave like motions.  I dip my head back and close my eyes, crying out towards the ceiling.  I call his name as he lifts and moves up into me.

I continue to roll my hips to and fro before grabbing John’s hands and placing them onto my breasts, urging him to squeeze them tightly and lovingly.  I’m trying to give him what he said he imagined when he used to pleasure himself while we were apart.

He groans lazily as he shifts beneath me and bumps his hips up.  He’s losing the will power to go on.

I stop when I hear that cry….that cry I know much too well.  I stop and look down at John, apologetically.  “Your son is up.”

“Then hurry up and let’s finish before he gets up here.”  He’s serious too.  He begins to move below my hips as he holds me still above him.

“John, wait…wait.  We can finish this…Later.”  I close my eyes when I feel him hit that spot.  I succumb to his motions when I hear my child scream out for his Mommy in that horrible gut wrenching cry.  I officially lose it and stop John.  “Okay…we need to stop.”

“Marlena…”  John is upset…I can see it.

“And you wanted another kid.”  I smile as I start to look around for something to throw over me.

“Well, we all have our moments.”  He doesn’t smile, he only runs a hand over his face.

Desperately searching for something along the floor and near my bag, I find my revealing nightgown John packed.  Throwing it over my body, I slink it down my legs and reach for the door as I turn back to look at John.

He’s laying there, his erection standing tall in the air and I’m tempted…so tempted to go hope back on it.  I so badly want to have that big finale as much as he does…but mommy duty calls.

“I’ll be downstairs.”  I walk out and quickly close the door, leaving John behind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“John….I don’t like this.”  I push his hands away as he tries to pull me towards him again.

“Baby…he went right back to sleep.  He just woke up scared. ”  He is kissing my neck as he is tugging me towards his body.

“I still don’t like it.”

“Would you prefer we go back upstairs?”  I shake my head and look over our son who is sleeping peacefully once again along the couch.  “Look, we’ll go right around the corner in the small sitting room.  You can see him from there if he so much as moves.”  He is biting my neck and trying to convince me otherwise.

“Stop it.”  I try to move away but he stops me.  “I don’t want to do this, like this.”

“If he wakes up, I’ll stop…I promise.”  He kisses my shoulder.  “He won’t see us…you will see him first.”

I shake my head.  “No.”

“You know I can’t get enough of you with this gown on.”  He is licking my collar bone as he pulls me towards his body again.  “You left me in pain baby…please.”  He brings my hand down to his pants and makes me feel his very hard erection.

“You haven’t lost it yet?”

“Nope.”  He tries to kiss my lips but I pull away.  “Please baby….”  His mouth moves to mine and he starts to kiss me deeply, passionately and seductively as he runs his hands down my bare back to cup my backside.

“There is a couch in your office right?”  I mouth against his mouth as he starts slipping his thick fingers under my straps of my gown.

“There is.”

I kiss back roughly as I pull him to my chest.  “In there…but we need to be quick.”

“And you need to be quiet.”  He bites at my lip as he quickly guides us to the room and attempts to close the door.

“Don’t close it.”

“What if he wakes…”  John looks at me oddly as I try to pull him from the door.

“I will hear him quicker if the door is open.”  He makes a face and I start to push him towards the couch but he stops me.

“Hold on…”  He leaves the room for a moment and then quickly returns with a small thin sheet.  “Just in case.”

I smile at him as he comes up to kisses me before sitting on the couch and helping me crawl over him.  Lifting his hands up my thighs, he brings the gown up with him as he runs his fingers beneath me and plays with my womanhood while I sigh quietly against his forehead.

“Still wet….”  He smirks as he reaches down and lifts his hips a bit to remove the pants from his erection.  Without words, he grabs my hips and slides me back down on him as we both close our eyes and try our best to be quiet.  He gathers the material of my gown and places it over my hips so that in case Damian walks in…he won’t see any body parts.

I move as much as possible above him as we both fight to gain control.  The rubbing of the leather couch can be heard as we rock against it.  Other than the sounds of the leather, our breathing is deep but we are shockingly quiet.

John reaches up and slides my straps down as he moves my breast out and begins to suck frantically as I continue to rock against him.

“That’s it baby…right there.”  He closes his eyes and grunts lowly as he grips my hips and lightly pats my behind.  “Fuck me harder.”

I try my best to move but the couch gives too much and I can’t get a firm grip so that I can apply more friction with my hips.

“Hold on.”  He stops me and wraps an arm around my waist before quickly spinning us so that I am flat on my back.  Grabbing the thin sheet, he places it over us and parts my legs while settling back between them.  I look down as he holds himself and leads it back towards my entrance.

I feel him inside as he starts to move and I kiss him in order to keep myself quiet.

“Open your legs wider.”  He mumbles this as he pushes my gown up higher that it rests along my stomach and lays his body against mine, his head buried on my shoulder.

His moves are frantic as he bounces up and down along me while I dip my head back and bite my lip.  I hear the couch fabric, I hear our skin tapping, our heavy breathing, maybe a little moan here and there but other than that…silence in the other room.  He starts to quietly curse as he thrusts uncontrollably while I dip my feet into the backs of his knees.

His fingers suddenly fall to my sensitive nerve and he flicks strongly which makes me bite his neck.  “I don’t want to scream.”

“Then don’t.”  He smiles against my ear and pumps harder…this time tapping from the couch against the wood floor can be heard.  “I love you.”  With those final words, he flicks until I react and finally explode beneath him….trapping my face against his neck and lightly crying out.  The feeling is truly incredible as my body constantly twitches from the pure pleasure that is coursing through every nerve ending in my body.   I guess all that building up and holding off the previous orgasms really does make it truly pleasurable in the end.  My body won’t stop convulsing beneath John.  My eyes are still shut tight as my fingers are buried into the skin of his back.

His eyes shut shortly after and his mouth drops as I feel his warm seed spurt into me….his body stiff against mine.   We lay still for moments after…attempting to regain our composure…but neither of us are ready to move either.  He allows me to move and lifts off me so that I can close my legs and lower my gown beneath the sheet.  He snuggles behind me as I adjust my head along his arm and close my eyes.

“I could fall asleep right now.”  I mumble against his arm as I scoot as close to him as possible.

“Then go to sleep.  You need your rest.”  I feel his lips along the back of my head as he places his other arm around me and pulls me closer to him.  “I love you.”

“I love you.”  I whisper back and allow myself to drift off to sleep.  I don’t know what the future holds with us…but starting today…I promise to make it work for not only the both of us, but for the sake of our entire family.  We need that family bond back…now more then ever.

XXIX.

I’ve always been the type who lived by the heart and not the head.  Sometimes I wonder if I jump into things too quickly without thinking them through.  I know I tend to get into trouble because of my careless actions that weren’t thought through carefully but,  I can’t help that my nature is to love unconditionally.  Yes, I’m a hopeless romantic and that does blow up in my face at times but I have to take the chance….one will never know what awaits them if you don’t give something a try.  My mind flashes to John and the conversation we had yesterday…pillow talk if you will.  I’m beginning to wonder if I jumped too fast?

I shake my head to rid myself of those thoughts.  This is not the case, it never has been.  At least not where John and I are concerned.  We’ve always had a relationship that wasn’t exactly like that of the storybooks you read about as a child.  We’re so complicated that I don’t think we know how to function on a normal basis.  John and I aren’t supposed to be the normal old fashioned love story that society has trained us to live by.  We function on jealousy, desperation, obsession, passion, and pure sex…plain and simple.

We’ve all been taught the the basic fundamental rules to a positive relationship.  Since I was young, those rules were practically drilled into my brain by my parents, grandparents, elders….basically everyone who seemed to have a healthy marriage.

The four important components to a healthy marriage or relationship were Communication, Trust, Fidelity & Love.  And I believed with all my heart, that if you had that, you could survive anything.  I was wrong….so wrong.  I learned the hard way that this rule wasn’t made for everyone.  Not all relationships are made the same…not every relationship functions the same.  Nevertheless, they were major key components that would keep you on the right track and I can’t help but think, how badly off track we are.

Communication:  We barely get by with that.  Yes we talk, and most the of time we end up arguing over the topics brought up.

Trust:  I do trust him….to an extent.  I’ve learned my lesson by putting my full trust into people, because I end up being hurt in the long run.  John is no different.  I’ve trusted him unconditionally before and he let me down.  So now, I trust as much as I have to…enough to get by and get through whatever issues we are facing.

Fidelity:  I want to side eye this topic because our past speaks volumes about this.  The truth is, when we are together….we are utterly devoted to each other.  There are no ifs or buts about that.  But we are also known for slipping when the pressure of our relationship threatens to crash.  When our situations are on the verge of derailing, we’ve been known to fall apart in others arms.  Not necessarily is sex involved and cheating doesn’t mean sex needs to take place.  But I’m a firm believer that if you can’t tell your spouse or partner what exactly you are doing or whom you are talking to and about what…its a form of cheating.  Secrets tear apart the foundation of your relationship…and John and I built a lot of secrets through the years.  It’s sad because we never were like that….and then we exploded into these people…who can’t sleep next to each other without second guessing where they were that night before they crawled into bed with you.  Our divorce might have played a big part in thinking that way.

Love:  Love, well…that goes without saying.  I love this man…I am utterly deeply in love with him and it scares me sometimes because I think it’s unhealthy to love someone so powerfully the way I do with John.  There are times that I can’t function because all I can do is think about him.  That might be obsession but I like to believe its purely love that I feel for him.  I know you are probably thinking how can you have no communication, not much trust, can’t remain faithful but you’re in love with that person.  And that’s easy….I don’t need to have all those things to be in love with him.  It’s the same situation we all face growing up when you fall in love with that bad boy your parents told you to stay away from.   That bad boy that all your friends told you would be no good for you.  That bad boy that you knew could never workout with you but you couldn’t walk away.  The bad boy who you fought desperately for to make them fall in love with you as much as you had with them.  In this case…John is my bad boy and I fell in love with him.  The difference is, he isn’t exactly that bad boy everyone wants you to stay away from, he isn’t that selfish soul that could care less about your feelings…and he isn’t that boy who was afraid to commit…because My John fell deeply in love with me…and never could let me go.  I’m in love with the idea of being with the bad boy in my life….the one I know who may not be good for me but I live for that thrill.  I’m dying to be proven wrong.  I need to be proven wrong.

We’re so messed up sometimes that I think we should just walk away from each other and leave things be for good….but we can’t, we aren’t those people.  I’m also afraid we are causing emotional damage to our son, who watches everything we do.  We’re his only examples that he looks up to, the people he learns and grows from.  He will learn to love and nurture by the methods John and I show him.  And I’m not so sure if we are the appropriate role models he should be idolizing.

I adjust myself in the leather chair that I am seated on….the cool fabric is quite uncomfortable against my legs.  Pulling the material of my skirt, I adjust it along my lap and cross my legs slowly….the aches in my thighs preventing me from making any quick movements.

We’ve been making love constantly since yesterday afternoon.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I feel as if he should be concentrating on his case but instead, he uses every opportunity to crawl back between my legs and lay me down.  I’ve tried not to start arguments or fights and very little have I protested about the lovemaking but he’s been persistent.  He’s worried….I know him.  When he is scared about something, he reacts through passion.

I managed to get my errands done yesterday afternoon after a short nap on his couch after we made love in his office.   When I got home, I had my very playful son clawing at me, trying desperately to get me to play some of his games with him.  I attempted to make dinner but after ruining a few dishes and pots, John reached for the phone and called for Take Out.  After a delicious meal, John took Damian upstairs and bathed him while I finished up some work in his office.  By 9 pm, he had Damian asleep in his room and me in his lap on the couch.  We made love quietly there…and then lifted me up and took me upstairs to the bedroom.  He left me in bed and kissed my head while he went back downstairs to handle some calls from his lawyers.  I slept for a bit then.  Shortly before midnight, I was woken back up as he was turning me over on my back again and crawling over me while kissing me deeply.  I moaned my disapproval but he hushed me before taking my mouth with his.

We made love somewhat quietly then.  My body wasn’t reacting the way it normally would, and it took far much longer to reach that pinnacle then I would any other time.  Perhaps I was tired but nevertheless, I finally closed my eyes and received what John was fighting so hard to give.  He held onto me tightly as he pushed his way through my body while I clawed at his back and bit at his neck.   When it was over, we both fell sleep, spooned tightly against each other.  I didn’t ask him how his calls went with his lawyers, I didn’t really want to know.

By 3am, I felt him bucking slowly behind me as I tiredly turned my head to look at the time.  I didn’t want to make love anymore, I wasn’t in the mood and I was beginning to cramp in my lower region.  When I protested, he shushed me and I felt him sliding within me.  I closed my eyes and held onto my pillow while burying my face in it.  Minutes after, he had me on top of him.  I was much too tired to actually try to participate but I did the best I could.  I gave slow rocks while he lied quietly beneath me, his eyes closed, his teeth biting his lower lip.   That didn’t last long before he had me on my back again.  I cried his name then, quite a few times but they weren’t out of pleasure.  It was somewhat out of irritation…there was some cramping from the friction.  I guess my body wasn’t properly prepared for this exchange.  I think I had reached my limit but John couldn’t tell the difference, oddly.  When I started to place my hands on his arms to tell him to stop…I heard a small sound.

It was a blessing in disguise when I heard Damian’s voice in the doorway and I nudged John off of me.  I don’t know how much he had seen and I was hoping he was still half asleep when he opened the bedroom door.

Our lovemaking had come to a complete halt then as Damian had crawled into bed with us and passed out for the entire night.  I was thankful.

So now I sit and stare tiredly at the walls of this bleak boring conference room at some courthouse we are waiting at.  I run my finger aimlessly up and down the handle of my mug as I watch the faded white walls.  God, I must be tired.

“Aren’t you going to drink that?”  I hear John’s voice in my ear as it snaps me from my thoughts and I turn to look at him.  He is leaning over his chair and close to me.

“Yeah, sorry.”  Reaching for the mug, I put it to my lips and take a soft sip before placing it back down gently.  “I think I’m tired.”

He smiles immediately and drops his gaze to the table.  “I’m sorry about that.”

I pat his hand that falls to my leg and squeeze it gently.  “You should be.”  I look up when I see his lawyers walk into the conference room and John immediately stands, shaking one of the lawyers hands who he had not met with this morning.

“Marlena, pleasure as always.”  The older man reaches for my hand as I slightly stand up and shake his strong hand.   “Now, we should get down to business as we have a lot of things to cover.”  He begins to set down his briefcase and some large folders he was carrying, onto the table.  “John, we are going to need to go over some of the information you have gave us.  I don’t want there to be any loop holes that the prosecution can tear into.”

I look to John as he smirks awkwardly before nodding his head and adjusting his tie.  He always plays with his tie when he is feeling uncomfortable and nervous.

“Ready?”  His tone is already tiring.  It’s about to be a very long morning.

“Let’s do it.”  John is serious as he clears his throat and smooths down his tie against his chest.  “Honey?”  He looks to me as if it really matters.

I nod my head and look around.  Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath as I prepare myself for the long overhaul.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*

He’s much too quiet in the car ride home….he hasn’t said much since we walked away from the conference room table.  He is scared….hell, I am scared too but I know that with all my heart, we are going to pull through this.  He is not guilty…that much I know.  My John would never have done such a thing to anyone.

I’m staring out the window as I watch the scenery fly by quickly while the roar of the engine can be heard.  The sun is still bright and shining strongly even through John’s slightly tinted windows.  I hear his fingers drumming against the steering wheel as he weaves into another lane on the expressway.  Turning my head, I look to him but his face is blank….almost as if he’s lost.

I truly feel for him….I know he has to be nervous about this situation.  There is a very big chance that the courts may not side with him and he could lose his family, with the pounding of a paddle.

“Hey…”  I reach for his leg and squeeze it softly as he smiles weakly and turns to look at me.

“Hi.”  His eyes turn quickly away from me as he stares back out at the road.

“Are you feeling alright?”

He clears his throat and adjusts his back against his seat.  “I’m Fine…why do you ask?”  Is he really going to go down this route?

“You’re just a bit quiet is all.”  The loud ringing of a cell phone sounds off throughout the speakers of the car and both John and I look to the screen towards the middle of the console.   My heart tightens when he hits the button to ignore the call and looks back to the road.  “You’re still talking to her?”

He shakes his head but he doesn’t feel the need to say anything.  I’m wondering why?

“Is that a no?”

“It is a no.”  He quickly eyes me and then turns his face away.  Why does he look as if he is trying to avoid me.

“So why is she still calling you if you said it was over.”

“I can’t help that she calls Marlena…I can’t control her actions.  All I can do is ignore them.  And it is over between us…it’s been over.  You are the only one I want, okay?”  He sounds so serious….perhaps he knows this conversation is heading that way.  “Could I control that Samuel would try to contact you in the past?”

“Why are you bringing him up?  Clearly he hasn’t tried to contact me.”

“It’s only been a couple days…give it time.”

“I’m glad to see you’re expectations are so high.”

“They are…because the minute he does…I’m going to kill him.”

“Stop it.”  I turn my head away and shake it as I stare out the window.  I’m still upset she is calling him…I don’t know why but I am.  Perhaps because I know that as long as she is around, I’ll know why she is calling him.  In my mind, it’s not so much that she misses his company….I’ve convinced myself that she misses him physically.  And that upsets me….when it shouldn’t….but it does.

“I’m not joking.”

“Stop talking like that, John.”  I reach for my purse and start looking for my phone when his phone rings again.  My eyes are quick to dart to the screen as her name pops up again.  My mouth literally drops as I turn to look at him slowly as he fidgets in his seat and clears his throat.  Hitting ignore, he puts his hand back on the wheel and continues to drive as if nothing has really happened.

I continue to stare at him as he glances at me and shakes his head.  “What?”  He sighs and loosens his tie with one hand as the other remains on the wheel.  “Can I help that she is calling?”

“Why all of a sudden?  Unless, you’ve been keeping in contact with her….and trying to keep it from me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”  He snatches the tie loose from his shirt and yanks it out of his collar while tossing it in the back seat.

“I’m being ridiculous…you have a woman, whom you used to sleep with, calling you consistently all of a sudden…but I am being ridiculous.”  I nod and grab my phone from my purse.  As I’m browsing through emails, the ring sounds off again and before John can move his hand to the ignore button, I immediately reach and hit accept on the screen as I look at him.  “Hello….”  John continues to stare at me in shock as I wait for the caller’s voice to echo throughout the speakers in the car.

Silence.  Just as I expected.

“Hello, Hello.”

“Is this John’s phone?”

I stare at him as I place my phone down in my lap.  “It is…may I ask who is calling?”

“Marlena, is this you?”  She sounds somewhat irritated.

“Enough of this….Kim, I’ve told you to stop calling.  It’s done.”  Before he could wait for her response, he clicks the button on the screen and snatches his phone from the console.  Quickly shutting it down, he throws the phone to the back seat angrily and hits the steering wheel in frustration.   “Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”  I’m angry…I feel as if he is hiding something from me.

“You know what…do you feel better?”

“No, not really….because if anything…now I am more curious as to why you are so upset about this.”

“Because she is practically stalking me…this is harassment.”  I watch him closely as I stiffen my jaw.

“Is it really?”

He looks to me angrily as he grits his teeth.  “Yes.”  He hits the wheel again.  “Do you think I am enjoying this?”

“You know what I think?”

He shakes his head and moves into another lane.  “No, but I bet you’re going to tell me.”

“I think there is more to this and you’re upset that I now have some knowledge of it.”

“That’s absurd.  You really don’t have a clue what you are talking about sometimes….you know that.”  He angrily spits these words out as I turn my face away.

I badly want to get out of the car….but I know he won’t pull over, for one…and we are somewhere on a fast paced highway with no exit ramp in sight.

By the time we pull into the driveway of John’s home after the longest 15 minute car ride of my life….I’m on my feet with the door swinging open before the car could even come to a complete stop.   I don’t know if he shut off the engine but he is quick to block me in front of the car and grab me by my arms to get me to focus.

“Stop it…don’t touch me.”  I’m not shouting, I’m not trying to make a scene.  He is the one who feels the need to control everything by being physical.

“Marlena….calm down.”

“I am calm.  Excuse me.”  I try to move around but he holds me still.  “John…I’m serious.  Stop grabbing me.”

“I want you to listen to me.”

“I can listen without you touching me.”  I move his hands off me as he steps back an inch and allows me to adjust my blouse.

“We  don’t need to do this here…we can talk inside…I just want you to trust me.  I’m not doing anything sneaky here.”  I only watch him but don’t bother responding to that statement.  I gather my purse on my shoulder and walk around him towards the front door.

When we are inside, we’re greeted by an overexcited child and his tired sister as he shouts repeatedly about going to eat pizza.  I’m not in the mood but I put on a good face and smile, picking him up and smothering him with tiny kisses all over his face.

“No pizza today baby.”  He shakes his head angrily and squeezes my neck with his tiny arms as he pulls me tightly in a hug.

“Pizza pwease.” He drags out the word please as I mumble against his cheek that we do that another night.  And of course….here come the tears.  The shouts…the pouts…the angry cries of a toddler mid tantrum.

“Tell you what buddy…how about you get your shoes on.  We’ll go to that nice restaurant that has your favorite noodles you love so much.  How about that?”  John tries to win him over with that but to be honest, I don’t want to go out with him again.

“No daddy…pizza.”

“I’m sure they have that there too.  Come on…what do you say?”  John’s attempts to sounds cheerful are pretty much a solid victory as Damian smiles and kicks to be let down.  He nods his head happily and runs off to grab his shoes.  I’m not sure if I visibly rolled my eyes but Belle comes over and hugs me a bit longer than she usually does.  “Tink, you want to join us?”

“No, thank you though Dad….I do have to get home.  We have plans to take Claire to go see that Madagascar Movie…I’m sure Damian will be on you to take him to see that too.”

“Oh he already is.”  John forces out a laugh and I smile tiredly while nodding.

“I’ll take him some time this week.”  I don’t look to John as I walk over to check on Damian.  “Sweetie, you almost ready?”  When he finally slips on his shoe, he runs over to me so that I can tie his laces.  I can’t help but laugh when he sits in front of me on the steps and holds out his feet.  “Baby, you have these on the wrong way.”  It feels good to let out this laugh.  I quickly switch his shoes to the right foot and tie his laces as he jumps up and runs to the door.

“Thank you Belle….you are wonderful as always.”  John kisses Belle’s head as she hugs him tightly before coming to my arms and holding me close.  I kiss her head and squeeze her tightly as I whisper my love for her.  She only looks up and smiles brightly to me before kissing my cheek and leaving.

An hour later, we are seated in a very large booth as Damian sits beside me playing with his noodles.  John is quietly eating his dinner as I try to twirl some noodles on Damian’s fork while he tries to take the fork away.  “Here, be careful and try not to spill anything on your shorts.”  I adjust his napkin that is tucked into the collar of his T-shirt while he opens his mouth widely to bite the noodles.  When he does it without making a mess, he looks to me proudly and smiles as he chews.  I kiss his head and turn back to my food as I start twirling my pasta along my fork.

“So, we’re doing the silent treatment now?”

I look up at John and shrug my shoulders.  “No, I just don’t have much to say.”

“I see.”  John moves the napkin from his lap and wipes his mouth and then tosses it back down to his lap.  “Damian buddy…how was your day?”

“It was good Daddy.  Belle pwayed games wit me.”

“Oh yeah…what did you play?”  John seems uninterested but being the good father that he is…he remains dedicated to this conversation.

“We pwayed everything.”

“How informative.”  I smile at Damian as he scrunches his face and looks up at me.  “Eat your food baby.”

John and I look at each other as he takes a sip of his wine.   “I love you.”

I swallow gently and clear my throat.  “Love you too.”  I whisper softly and reach for my glass of water.

“Mommy….can I have another broder or sister?”  I literally almost choke on my water as I turn to him quickly.

“What?”  I probably look confused because he looks to me and then to his father as if he is unsure of what he asked was bad.

“Where did that come from buddy?”  John leans over the table as Damian shrugs.

“Because, you say wast time I was going to have one…and I don’t have one yet.”  My eyes falls to John and I sigh angrily as I shake my head.

“Daddy said that?”  I ask softly as Damian nods his head.  “Sweetheart…you don’t need another brother or sister.  You have Claire bear…isn’t she so much fun?”  He nods but then shakes his head.

“I want to wif with them though.”

“I see.”  I drop my head and reach for my fork.  “Well Mommy is not going to have another baby…it’s a lot of work.”  Damian looks upset.  “Besides, if Mommy has another baby…you won’t be my baby anymore.  And you don’t want that, now do you?”  I lean close to him as I nuzzle his face while he laughs.  “Don’t you want to be Mommy’s baby forever and ever?”  I kiss his face as he reaches out and pulls me by my neck with his little arms.  He kisses my lips and says he wants to be the baby.  “Good…then you will be my only baby.”  He smiles and looks to John who looks disappointed.  Why in hell does he look as if I just broke his heart with this news.

We continue to eat our dinner as Damian tells exciting stories of his day when John’s phone rings again.  I look almost too quickly at him as he hits the ignore button and looks to me quietly.  “My lawyers.”

“I’m sure.”  I bite my food off my fork as Damian reaches for some crayons on the table and starts coloring his kiddy menu that the restaurant gave him.

“Marlena…why do you insist on doing this to us?  I’ve got nothing to hide.”

“It really doesn’t matter John…now does it?”  I stare at my plate as I hear him sigh.

“What does that mean?”

“It means up until a couple nights ago, we literally just got involved with each other….so like I said…it really doesn’t matter about what you did up until then.”

“We’ve been involved.”

“Not officially we haven’t.”  I stare at him tiredly and sip my water.

“Mommy?”  I look to Damian as he looks up at me.  “Can I sweep with you and Daddy today.”

“Of course.”

“No.”  I look to John hastily as he wipes his mouth with his napkin and then places it on the table.  “You have a room son….you need to a big boy and sleep in there.”

“You’re a big boy and you sweep with Mommy.”  My son is so bright and quick with his words that I can’t help but smile.  I wonder who he gets that from.

“That’s because Daddies are supposed to sleep with Mommies.”

“I want to sleep with Mommy and Daddy too.”  He’s getting upset…I can hear it in his voice.

“Nope…you have your room.  When you used to sleep over all the time, you never slept with Daddy.  It’s no different this time.”

“I want to stay with Mommy.”  Damian’s voice is getting louder.

“Shh, shh…keep your voice down baby.  You can sleep with Mommy tonight, it’s fine.”

“Doc?”

“He can…and he will.”  I stare John down as Damian falls into my arms and holds me close, smiling.

John appears to be upset but I’m not concerned about him…I’m more concerned with keeping my son calm in this somewhat busy restaurant.

“Daddy?”  Damian looks to John after he sits back down in his spot.

“Yes”

“You can sweep with us too.”  Damian laughs as I ruffle his hair and smile.  John finally breaks and laughs a bit as he reaches for his wine.

“Thank you son…how generous of you.”

Moments later, John starts bringing up his lawyers and it seems to be a safe ground for us.  We begin to go over the plans and court dates which isn’t really a happy discussion, but its enough to get us through dinner.

“I need to be at court on the 13th and my lawyers should have the paperwork I’ve been mentioned to you.  In the meantime, Milan needs someone out there to handle an issue and obviously I can’t leave.”

“Who is handling the business there?”

“One of these managers I hired last year but the problem is…we need someone higher than the manager to handle it.”

I nod quietly.  “I see.  So then what’s the next step?”

“I don’t know…I have to figure some things out.”

“Daddy?”

We both look to our son as he is focused on his coloring.  “Yes, son.”

“Why was Mommy cwying yesterday?”

I’m utterly confused as I squint my eyes and look to my child.  “I wasn’t crying yesterday baby.”

“Yes you was.”

“It’s were baby.  And no Mommy wasn’t crying.”

“Yes, I heard you.”

“When?”  I watch as Damian looks up as if he is thinking and then looks to John.

“Wast night.  Daddy was on you and you was cwying.”

Oh my God…I am literally horrified.  I look around the restaurant as my son was a bit loud with that statement.  We’ve managed to catch only a few glances…and I hope it stays that way.

John starts to laugh as Damian looks to him confused.  “Mommy wasn’t crying, son.”

“Yes she was.  I heard her.”

“Okay, enough….stop this.”  I look to John warningly and sit Damian down.  “We will talk about this later, okay.”

“Why were you on my Mommy, Daddy?”  Oh God, he is so loud.  I reach for his mouth and place my hand over it as I lean close to his ear.

“You need to keep your voice down, you don’t want to disturb the other people here.”

“But Daddy was hurting you.”

“Shh, no he wasn’t.”  He kind of was but my child doesn’t need to know this.

“Well I sweep with you today so Daddy doesn’t sweep on you.”  Someone shoot me…I could crawl under this table.  I’m glad to see John is getting a kick out of this and laughing uncontrollably.   “And Daddy should sweep with cwothes on.”  I close my eyes and bite my lip.  This dinner is over.  I start gathering our things and reach for my purse.

“John, get the bill please.”

“Why does he sweep nayked?  Big boys sweep in Pajamas.”

“Damian…stop.”  I warn him as I grab my purse and Damian’s crayons.  I have him in my arms and I avoid the looks and laughs as I walk through the restaurant for the front doors.  When we are in the car and I am strapping him in, he laughs as he says that his Daddy thought he was funny.  “Yes Damian, you are truly hilarious.  Do not repeat that story to anyone else, understand?”  I look at him seriously as his smile fades.  He nods but doesn’t say anything.  “Promise Mommy you will not repeat that story?”

“I pwomise.”

“Good.”  I lean in and kiss him before closing his door and crawling into the front seat.  John joins us as he looks to Damian who is staring out the window.

“We ready?”

“Yep…just go.”  John laughs as he starts up the car and we head off towards the house.

“So….”

“So nothing…we will not discuss anything as long as Mr. Curiosity sits back there.”

“How much do you think he saw?”

“Enough to make me uncomfortable and never do anything with you again.”

“Now now…aren’t we being a bit dramatic?”

“I don’t think so.”  I look to Damian in the back as he looks back at me and smiles.  “Remember, no repeating.”

“Yes.”

“Good Boy.”  I smile and turn back around.

“Perhaps we should start locking the doors.”

“It appears that way.”  I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and fumble with the material of the seatbelt.   “I cannot believe he said that…we can never go back to that restaurant again.”

“Marlena…relax.  It’s not that big of a deal.”

When we finally arrive, I am holding Damian’s hand when I reach for the door handle on the house.  My son leans down and picks up something as he looks up and hands it to me.  “Mommy, what’s dis?”

I take the medium size Manilla envelope from him and turn it around.  With a quick scribble, my name drapes across the front of it.  I make a face and inspect it as John walks up behind us.

“What is that?”

“I don’t know…it’s for me.”  I hold the envelope as he opens the door and then tries to reach for it.  I snatch it back and move Damian inside.  “It’s for me my dear.”

“Who in hell knows you’re here other than Belle.”  He tries to grab it again but I move it out of his way.

“That’s not the point.”

“What if it’s from that bastard…let me see it.”

“He doesn’t even know where you live.”  I move out of John’s way and walk with Damian to the living room.  “Sweetie, go play.”  I start to rip open the top of the envelope when I feel John’s arms enfold around me and he pulls me to his chest as he buries his face into my neck and starts pressing soft kisses there.  I know exactly what he is doing…he is trying to distract me and it fails because as soon as his hands move to mine, I snatch the envelope away.  “Nice try.”

“I just want to love you.”  I shake my head and wiggle out of his arms as I open the envelope and pull some documents out.   I quickly glance at them and start to flip through them in confusion.

“What is this?”

“Let me see them.”  John tries to step forward but I back up and look at the documents even closer.  My mouth drops as my eyes widen.  I’m absolutely speechless as I look up at him and he stares at me, confused.  “What?”

I shake my head and feel tears starting to burn in my eyes as that familiar burn in my throat begins to take place.  “I cannot believe this…”  Quickly tossing the papers to him, he glares at them as I swipe at my eyes.  “You tell me…what is this?”

XXX.

My mother once told me to be careful what I did to others because life will bring it right back to you.  I never forget that line…it’s one of those sayings that stick with you your whole life.  She used to mention quite frequently that Karma has a way of putting you in your place when you least expected it.  So as the years have gone by…now I ask: Karma….What is Karma about really?  It was something I truly never believed in.   I’m not even sure if I believe in much of it now…but I have to stop and wonder these days.  Maybe  she was right…maybe all the things I have gone through and am going through is a sign.  But what have I done in the past that I am being punished so badly for now.  Sure, I haven’t been the perfect angel and God knows I’ve made my mistakes but I honestly did not do them out of vengeance.  I wasn’t being selfish or foolish when I slipped up and made the mistakes I did.  I never once tried to hurt anyone….not intentionally anyway.

Yes, I’ve had my share of honest mistakes that have destroyed my relationships….but they didn’t come out of nothing.   I could stand here and blame a certain individual for the chaos I’ve gone through but that doesn’t explain or make the situation better.   When I made my mistakes, it wasn’t because I was being sneaky….I was in love.  was the victim of a cruel joke that was played on all of us….and the outcome ended terribly.   But the moral of the story was out of all the ridiculous wrongs that have been done in my life…all of it came out of love.  Pure and simple love.  It wasn’t infatuation…it wasn’t lust…It was madly, deeply, driven, insatiable love for a man who still holds my heart till this day.

But now….I’ve reached a part in the road that makes me wonder.  I’m at a point that I swore I never thought I would be at…yet here I am.  Karma?

I’ve never understood women who stood by their men, dedicated to them even after they’ve completely been made a fool of.   I know it’s a sickness…its a form of abuse that they feel they deserve but after all my years in training, I never understand why.  I never understood why didn’t they just walk away?  Why didn’t they just leave….what was about their men that kept them by their side, regardless of the abuse they endured just to receive a sliver of happiness?  What was so important about that relationship, that need…that they needed to stay with them?

Well I guess the joke is on me because I feel like I’ve been shoved violently into this predicament.  I feel as if someone literally just shoved this hopeless situation in my face and down my throat.   I don’t know what happened….I don’t even know how I got here but I’m not happy.

Why don’t I just leave?  Why don’t I just walk away?  Why am I still standing here?

We’re not married…we really have no commitment to each other outside of our youngest child, who is very much still underage.   We literally have no reason to stay together but still…I’m standing here and I’m staring at him with tears in my eyes.  I’m literally speechless.  I should just scoop up my child and walk out that front door but I feel like I need to stay…I think I deserve an answer.

His face is frozen…his eyes are cloudy…almost lost.  I’m trying really hard to not to make a scene or yell in front of my child, who appears to be oblivious to what is happening between his father and I….but I am not sure how much more of this I can handle.  I decide to do what is best and walk away…at least in the meantime.

“Damian baby…come with Mama.”  I quickly wipe the traces of tears from my eyes as he hops around the living room, pretending to fly with his Batman action figure John just bought him.

“Where are you going?”  John is quick on my heels as he tosses the documents onto the coffee table and reaches out for me.  I have to fight the urge to slap his hands off me because Damian is in front of me and now watching our every move.

“Upstairs.”

“Hold on…..wait.”

“No.”  I shake my head and wipe at my eyes again as I reach and lift my son up on my hip.  “He needs to go down for his nap…then we will talk.”  Damian rests his small head on my shoulder as he traces his batman toy across my chest.

Surprisingly, John doesn’t fight me and lets me walk away from him after kissing our son on his head.

At first, Damian fought me during his nap.  He kicked, screamed, and cried that he didn’t want to sleep but the mother in me knew that wasn’t true.  To be honest, I was tempted to scream and cry with him too because I had felt so torn up inside…so betrayed that perhaps me napping with him wasn’t a bad idea.  Anything at this moment to keep my distance from John, was a great idea.

After 45 minutes of fighting with him, he finally knocked out in my arms, exhausted and weak.   I laid him down on his small twin size bed gently while covering him up with his Buzz Lightyear comforter and kissed his head.  I prayed that I would have the energy to go down and face his father, in hopes that something good will come out of this.  I’m praying for a miracle.  Watching my sleeping child, I smile and squeeze his hand while pressing my lips against his tiny knuckles as I cry quietly.

I should have just left.  Why am I subjecting us to all this?

Making my way down the steps, I find John sitting at the edge of the couch….the documents sprawled out in front of him as he angrily flips through them one by one.  He reaches for his glass of Scotch as he sips it bitterly and then looks toward the corridor where I am standing.  He is quick to stand on his feet but he doesn’t move…he only watches me as I move around and further away from him.

We only watch each other but neither of us dare speak a word.  When my eyes fall to the papers, so does his as he gathers them quickly in a pile and places them upside down so that nothing can be viewed.  With an icy glare, I slowly lift my eyes to his as I stand there…sad and helpless.

“Is it true?”

He doesn’t say anything.  He only shakes his head and then quickly drops it as he places his glass down on the table.  He starts to move towards me but I hold my hands up and step back an inch.

“Don’t…Don’t come near me.  Just answer my question.”

“Doc…let me…”

“No.”  I yell because I don’t know what else to do.  “Answer me.”

“I’m trying to.”

“No, you’re trying to make excuses.”  I close my eyes and take a deep breath.  “Yes or no?”

“No.”

“No?”  I lift my eyebrow and cross my arms.  “Are you sure about that?”

“I am.”

“Really?”  I stare angrily as I start to move to the coffee table and grab the papers but he tries to reach and snatch them from me.  When he grabs my wrist, I snatch back my hand along with the paperwork and start going through the documents quickly.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”  I flip through them as I start looking each one over again.  “Don’t share with you what you should have maybe told me about?”

“Doc…it’s not true.”

“That’s Bullshit.”  I grab one of the papers and hold it up for him to see.   “This right here…you see this paper?”  I wave it in front of him as he closes his eyes and shakes his head sadly.  “This, tells me otherwise.”

“It’s all a lie…I’m appealing it.”

I turn my head away when he tries to move in for me and back up slightly.  “Stop trying to touch me.”

“Marlena…listen to me damnit.  This isn’t true.  None of it.”

I finally break and throw the papers at his chest, watching them as they scatter on the floor slowly. I move close to him as I stare up into his somber eyes.  “If it weren’t true…your eyes would have told me a different story.  And all they are saying right now is how guilty you are.”

“You have to believe me.”

“I don’t have to do a thing but grab my child upstairs and walk away from here.”

“Don’t you say that.”  He reaches out to hold my wrist but I yank them away again.  “You cannot leave me for this.”

“I can’t?  Really?”  I turn away and step over the papers as he follows me.

“Marlena….this is all lie.  I swear it is…I’m going to prove it.”

“How?”  I turn to look at him as he stands quietly…unsure of how to answer that.

“I’ve been setup.”

“Do not give me this ridiculous story.”

“It’s the truth.”  He pumps his fist in the air before leaning down and picking up the papers, throwing them on the table.  “Do you really think I would do this?”

I stare at him for a moment before I pop my lips and drop my hands from my waist.  “You’ve done it before.”  His mouth drops.  “What’s so different this time around?”  I start to move away but he comes up and grabs my arm to stop me.

Without thinking twice, I strike him hard across his cheek as he steps back and blinks.  I actually freeze because I am not sure why I did that and why I felt the need to hit him.  I’m angry…I know I am but I really don’t want to hit him.  Well I do…I just prefer not to.  It never solves anything.

“How could you do this to me…to us…again?”  I cry as he stares at me blankly.  Words seem to fail him as he throws his hands up as if he was about to say something and then stops, shaking his head.  “Why?” I hit his chest repeatedly as he stands there and takes each and every blow.  I don’t think this hitting makes me feel better but it’s definitely burning some of the fuel I had built up since I read those papers.   “How could you?”

“It’s not true.”

“Stop it.”  I hit him in his face again as he grabs a hold of my wrists and yanks me hard against his chest, pinning me to him.

“Don’t do this Doc.”  His voice is cracking…I know I’m hurting him.  Not so much physically but emotionally it’s killing him.

“You did this.  Not me.”  I cry against his chest as he tries to hold me.  “You got her pregnant.”  I shut my eyes and feel those words burn my throat as I try to push on his chest so that he can’t hold me.

“That baby is not mine.”

“Don’t you stand there and lie to me.”  I finally break away as I try to create space between us.  “You lied to me…for months.”

“No I didn’t.  I was just trying to get the facts is all.”

“You were subpoenaed by court to comply with a mandatory paternity test….which was two and half months ago. This judgement was filed against you since you wouldn’t partake in one willingly.”

“Doc…please.”

“No….to which you then received results for a positive match.”

“It’s a setup.”

“Do not stand there and lie John.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Stop it….you were sneaking behind my back, trying to keep this quiet…all the while you were trying to come back home to me.”

“No..no…I was trying to get the facts here.”

“What facts….you have a positive test result staring you right in the face.”  I shout at him because I feel as if he isn’t listening to what I am saying.

“Yes because we’ve never had issues with test results before in our lives Marlena.”

“I can’t do this.”  I shake my head and try to walk away but he runs up and pulls me to him by my arm.  “Let go of me.”  I try to move out of his grasp but he tugs tighter.  “I can’t believe you.”

“I was only with you…I’ve only been with you in that way since we got back together.”

“What does that even mean?”  I’m confused by that comment.

“What?”

“When…John?  When do you consider us being back together?”

“Since day one Marlena…since the day you seduced me in your home before I left out of town for 3 months.  It’s only been you that I’ve been with in that way…so it’s impossible for that child to be mine.”

“You’re a liar.”

“I’m not lying.

“You’re going to look me in the face and tell me you never slept with her after you started sleeping with me?”

He hesitates at first and he is about to speak when he closes his mouth.

“Just as I thought…”  I move away but he reaches out again.  “You disgust me.”

“Wait…wait.  Let me finish…I used a condom…I swear to you I did.  Every time that we were together, I was protected.”  Hearing that breaks my heart…I don’t actually want to think of him with anyone else.

“You just stood there and told me I was the only one since we got back together.”

“Meaning…I’ve only been with you in that way.  As in not using protection.”  I feel disgusted.  “And I slept with her only one time after we got back together….that was it.  I swear to God that’s true.”

“I don’t want to hear this.”

“You need to.  That baby isn’t mine.”

“Condoms fail John.”  My tears are starting to leak out.

“Baby, I promise you that the baby isn’t my child.”

“Don’t do this…those documents tell me differently.”  I close my eyes as I feel my tears flowing uncontrollably.

“If you truly believe that child isn’t yours…then why did you go out of your way to keep me from finding out? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Because I knew you wouldn’t believe me…I didn’t want to lose you.”  His voice is somber.

“I still don’t believe you.”  I take a deep breath.  “She’s 5 months.”  I cringe when I think about it.  “You have the nerve to stand there and act like this is nothing.”

“Doc, it isn’t my child.”

“Stop saying that.  Those test results say you are.  I’m going by facts.”

“I want another test.  I already filed with the courts for a retake.”

“Nothing will change.”  I bite my lip to stop the sobs.  “I can’t believe you can stand there and look me in the eye with a straight face.”  I start to walk away from him when I come across a frame of Damian and me sitting on a shelf.  I pick it up and trace Damian’s smile with my finger.   “Do you realize that you had two women pregnant at the same time with your baby?”  Just spitting those words out make my skin crawl.

I turn to look at him but he says nothing, he only drops his gaze to the floor.

“Look at me.”  I yell as I place down the frame.  When he does, his eyes are cloudy with tears.  “You had both me and her pregnant…with your babies….at the same time.”  I walk up to him and glare angrily up at him.  “Do you know how disgusting that sounds?  How disgusting that situation actually is?”

“Marlena…please….believe me when I say…”

“No…No.”  I hold up my finger to stop him from saying anymore.  “And the saddest part out of all of this….is that I lost that child…because of you.”  I point at him slowly as his face freezes.  “She is still walking around cradling your child in her body as our child is….gone.”  I snap my fingers to prove how quickly that happened.  “I guess it worked in your favor.”

“Stop it now.”  He’s mad….he is raising his voice.

“I guess that explains why you didn’t hesitate when the doctor asked if you wanted to abort the baby.”

“Marlena.”  He’s shouting now.

“You figured…one less issue.  So you just signed those documents off and checked one problem off your list.”

“God damnit…Stop this now.”  He slams his fist into the nearby wall as he starts pacing the room.  He’s feeling cornered.   “You know damn well that wasn’t the case.  You were dying damnit.  I did what I needed to do to save you.”

“I’m sure…it also worked out in your favor too.”

He walks up to me and is inches from my face as he breathes heavily.   “Don’t you say that to me ever again.”

“Why?  It’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“Damnit Marlena.”  He slams his hand into the wall behind me as I flinch but never move out the way.   “You have no idea how badly I want to hit you right now.”

“Go ahead.”  I stare him down…knowing he won’t lift a finger on me.   He watches me closely as he grits his teeth and his jaw tightens.

He grunts as he pulls away and walks off with me following him.  “I knew you wouldn’t dare touch me, that’s not who you are or what you do.”  I watch as he starts throwing stuff along the table, not really knowing what to do.  “You’re only good at lying…oh and making babies apparently.”  He stops and stands still…his back facing me.

“I need to get away from you.”  His voice is drained as he starts to leave towards the hallway.  When I try to catch up, he snatches his keys from the table and heads for the front door.  He doesn’t bother saying anything, he only strides toward the door and opens is angrily.  He then turns to me as his face tenses….before he shakes his head and slams the door behind him.

I finally have a moment…a moment to take every thing in and just breathe.  I’m completely shattered but at the same time, I’m so deeply angry that I can’t even see straight.  How could he have done this to us…to me.  Why didn’t he just tell me the truth instead of hiding this behind my back.  Sure, I would have been upset but it would have been much different instead of me finding out this way.

While Damian napped, I sat on the couch and went through these documents, searching for any hope that John was right…that these were wrong.  I couldn’t find one.

I flipped through court documents and clinic paperwork to see if there was something there that would catch my eye.  Nothing.  I examined the ultrasound picture and paperwork and noticed her name…age…information.  I glanced at the sex:  She’s having a boy.

Just when I couldn’t take anymore, I picked up another sheet and started reading something and then froze.  I stopped for a minute and began searching for another paper that I read…one from a clinic.  Something was off…the coding.  To any average person, no one would pay attention or notice but to a doctor…it’s something we are trained to see.  The numbers weren’t adding up…the codes were slightly off.  But I couldn’t dig into it much without so much as seeing John’s personal medical file to know for sure.

Like clock work, I heard Damian calling for me as I quickly placed the documents back into a folder and put them away on a shelf.  I promised I would further look into this but for now…my attention was focused on my son.

When John finally returned, its hours later.  Much much later.  Damian had already woken up, eaten dinner, played his games and watched some of his shows before bathing and back to bed.  I managed to get all that done with John still missing in action.

I was in the guest bedroom when I heard the front door close and his keys fall to the table.  I promised myself not to deal with him right now as I was still angry about this entire situation…there was absolutely no way I was going to get over this anytime soon.  Even with the possibility of there being a silver lining in this all…I still needed to dig deep.  It could simply be a mistake…wishful thinking if you will.  I’ve decided to not hope for anything and as far as I’m concerned…we are still in the same boat.

I cuddled into the sheets and closed my eyes as tears began to fall down onto the pillow while I sniffled lightly.  I’m so hurt…I don’t know why because we aren’t together but still…my heart is heavy.  Perhaps the fact that I lost my child when she is still carrying hers, might play a big part in my sorrow.

The sound of the door opening makes me tense up and I quietly wipe at my eyes as I try to pretend that I’m asleep.  I fail badly at that because my sniffles aren’t exactly silent.

“Baby…”

I try to ignore him….I pretend that I don’t hear him.  My body jerks when he touches me and I shift away when he tries to move closer.

“Honey…”

“Leave me alone and get out.”

“Honey please…just hear me out.”  I can smell the alcohol on him….I’m assuming he must be drunk.

“No, I don’t want to talk.”

“You don’t have to…just hear me out.”

“John, please…I really need to be away from you right now.”  I’m trying to be calm and I really don’t want to argue right now but he is pushing it.

“Baby…”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Okay.”  He sounds as if he is giving up.  “I just want you to know that I love you…and I wouldn’t do this to you.”  I stay quiet and he pauses too to see if I am listening.  When I don’t interrupt him, he continues on.  “There is nothing more that I wanted then to have that baby with you.  I prayed that we could have another child.”

He stumbles with his feet when he tries to shift in the bed.

“In fact…I kind of was purposely trying to get you pregnant.”  I freeze up because clearly he is talking crazy…he must be drunk.  “Don’t be mad.”  I can tell he is smiling.  “I knew that if I got you pregnant…I would have you back for good.  It was basically a sure way of having you in my life…I didn’t want to lose you again.”

I continue to listen but remain still and soundless as he rubs lazy fingers on my side.

“Remember when I bought you that pill…I did it for you.  Not because I wanted you to take it.”

“We used protection before, so don’t say you did it for me, because that’s a lie.  You didn’t want another child just as much as I didn’t….it just happened.”

He sighs as he stops moving his hands on my back.  “You know, remember that time we were making love here.”  He pauses to see if I agree and when I don’t…he continues with the story.  “God, that was a great night.  You were so…”

“Stop it John.”

“Sorry.”  He clears his throat and then whispers that he is sorry again.  “Well, that night…yes, we did use condoms most of the night…but what I didn’t tell you…was…”

“What?”

“I pulled them off right before…”

“What?”

“I’m sorry.”

I shift and sit up quickly as I look at him while he shifts back carefully.  “You what?”

“I’m sorry….I know that was rude of me…but I just couldn’t lose you.”

“Is that what you did to her too?”  Here comes the anger again.  I don’t want to be angry…God…I don’t want to be but I can’t help it.  I couldn’t resist making a dig.

“Stop it honey…this has nothing to do with her.”

“It has everything to do with her.”  I pull the blankets across my legs as he adjusts himself on the bed to allow me to yank the sheets.  “I need you to leave me alone right now.”

“I can’t…”

“John…”  I warn him as he stares sadly at me in the low lit room.

“I never meant to do this to you….I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Well congratulations…you’ve done a fine job in failing in that department.”

“That isn’t my child…I swear on our son.”

“Don’t you dare bring him into this.  Don’t you swear on our child when we have the god damn results downstairs proving you wrong.”

“Please baby…”  He is starting to tear up.  “I need you to believe in me…trust me.”

I look up with heavy eyes as I try to hold back the tears that our building in my throat.  “How can I ever trust you again John?  After all this?  How can you ask me to believe in you when you went out of your way to hide this from me?”

“Because I knew this would upset you…and you were in a fragile state.”

“You didn’t know that.”

“Yes I did…because I found out about Kim shortly before I found out about your pregnancy.”  He wipes his eyes.  “I was going to tell you…I really was.  And then I found out about our baby and I just couldn’t.”

“I can’t even face you right now.”

“All I am asking you is to please believe in me.”

“You’re asking too much.”

He nods and drops his face into his hands as he leans over the bed, running his fingers over his face.  “Please don’t leave…I’m begging you.”

I watch as he breaks down into his hands while he sobs lightly…clearly unable to handle the pressure.  Part of me wants to rub his back and tell him not to cry…that’s the caring part of Marlena Evans.  The other part wants to kick him while he is down because I’m hurting and I feel he deserves far worse.

“I’m sorry baby…”  He sobs quietly as he finally looks up and wipes his eyes.  “I promise you I will prove that this is a setup.  I will make this up to you.”

Shaking my head, I turn to look another way because I can’t trust him right now…I want to but I can’t.  I’m much too angry to do that.

“I will leave you alone for now…I just wanted to come in here and apologize.”  He tries to move closer to me but I back up towards the headboard.  He stops and then pats my leg.  “I love you.”

I look up at him but refuse to say anything back to him.  He nods and gets up slowly as he walks to the door.  He only turns to look at me one last time before turning away and walking out slowly, closing the door behind him…leaving me alone with my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t know what has happened to us or where we can go from here….but I do know that at the end of the day…I have a child to look after and a normal life to give him, and that is something that he deserves.  And right now…that is all that matters.  I also know that when I go to work…I need to dig up some paperwork, especially John’s medical file.

XXXI.

Where has the day gone?  It was only the start of the day not even a minute ago and now I’m sitting at my desk…way past 6pm and still searching for the answers that I desperately need.

It was only a few hours back when I finally had a moment to look over everything…to really get my hands on the evidence I was sure would tell me a different story than what I was told to believe.  Sitting back in my chair, I close my eyes and sigh…thinking back to this morning.

“Do you need anything else Dr. Evans?”

“Nope….we’re all good.  Thanks Jessie.”   The door closed gently behind her as I continued to stare at it, waiting for absolute confirmation that she had left me with complete privacy.  Placing down the folder that she had given me, I open my desk drawer and pull out a manilla folder as I glance at the door again.  Quickly opening it, I begin to flip through the pages as I reach for my phone and start dialing a number.

I open my eyes as I look to my right, noticing the file peeking from beneath the various layers of other folders piled above it.  I drum my fingers along the leather fabric of the arm rests on my chair as I nervously bounce my crossed legs beneath my desk.  I lift my wrist and glance at my watch again.  It’s about that time to head on out….my child needs me.

It almost feels as if I’ve accomplished nothing at all today when in reality….I’ve found out some information.  Of course, not enough to seal the deal and close the case….but I guess it’s a start.

Last night feels so much like a blur to me….I’m not even really sure if it’s even registered as believable to me.  The news about Kim being pregnant with John’s child just seems, so surreal….for a lack of a better word.  I don’t understand how this could be possible?  Well, I know it’s possible…knowing John…but there is something about the way this news came out.  It was absolutely so suddenly…without so much as even a spark of speculation on my part.  Had I been that blind?

I shake my head and look at the frames along my desk.  Our son…our absolutely beautiful child staring back at me and smiling widely in the picture.  I miss him….the urge to hold him in my arms is much stronger now than it was 5 minutes ago.

Standing from my chair, I begin to compile my files and paperwork neatly when I reach for that special folder on my desk.  My mind races back to early this morning when I snuck into the hospital file room in search of this folder.  My heartbeat quickens a bit as I relive the nerve wrecking moment I broke all protocol and wormed my way into a room that even I have no privileges too.

Looking behind me cautiously, I flick some strands of hair behind my ear as I turn to my right and walk quietly yet quickly down the lonely hallway.  My heels click against the bland tiling of the floor as I begin to look around for the room that I am in search for.   When I finally come across it, I nervously stumble before reaching into my pocket and pulling out an ID card that doesn’t belong to me.  Quickly scanning it against the black pad near the door knob, I watch as a little green light blinks and a small buzz can be heard.  Pulling out a latex glove from my pocket, I wrap it around the cool metal ball and Turn the doorknob.   I enter the room and the relief is only temporary when I come across another door….this one which not only has a scanner but a number pad as well.  My hand shakily runs the ID card over the scanner as it blinks ‘Enter Code’ across the screen.  With twitching fingers, I slip into the glove completely and quickly type in the numbers that I believe I’ve memorized correctly and close my eyes while taking a deep breath.  When I hear the buzz…I open one eye and see “Access Granted’ across the screen as I reach for the doorknob again.

The room is large….much too large and quiet overwhelming.  It’s almost appears to be a mini warehouse of simply endless file cabinets.  File cabinets that hold the key to the answers that I need.

This could be all so simple if I could just enter the database online and search for these files…afterall…everything has been transferred and recorded to computer databases.  However; I cannot access this online without breaking some rules, chancing that I could be monitored and high risks of the IP being tracked.

I come across a computer in the corner of the room at a desk and I bite my lip in thought.  If I jump on this computer…I might be able to find what I am looking for a bit faster then walking up and down the aisles…but then…I would need to sign in the info and password of the person, whose keycard I have in my hand….which I do not have.  They don’t even know I have their ID card.

My eyes dart for the tags listed on the file cabinets as I slowly start walking down the aisle while pulling out the other latex glove from my pocket.  Slipping them on securely, I continue to scan the room and read the tags on the gray metal cabinets.  By the time I am halfway down the aisle, I think I’ve learned the layout of the cabinets and start hurrying down another aisle.  Finding one cabinet I need, I yank it open and begin fumbling through folders as I search for John’s file.  Yes, some of you may wonder…shouldn’t I know John’s information?  The answer is simple…No.  I am his ex-wife…not his doctor.  I am the mother of his children…not a wizard.

Pulling the file out….I bend to my knees and spread out the documents onto the floor.  Reaching into my coat pocket, I pull out my iPhone and remove one of my gloves before clicking the camera button.   I truly need to make copies of these items but why would there be a copier in this room.  Rather then just taking the files and risking it by trying to sneak in later to put these items back…I figure some pictures would just have to do.

After about twenty different pictures….I close the file and place it back in its original spot.  I sigh when I close the door and go off to search for another cabinet.   When I find that cabinet, I do the same exact thing and pull these documents out their folder and onto the floor.  When the pictures have been registered and I am content with the information, I place the phone back in my pocket, put my glove back on, and put the folder back into its cabinet.

When I’m safe into the hallway, do I remove my gloves and place them gently into my lab coat pocket.  Passing by one of the security stations, I tilt my head to the side to see if the officer there is paying attention.  He wasn’t last time.  And he still isn’t.

I turn the corner and come across another station where I snatched the ID badge from one of the drawers when the main person walked away to assist someone.  That person is back and flipping through different files, not really paying much attention to what is going on around them.  When they are paged, they look up and ask if I need anything before they walk away.  I shake my head and tell them it’s not important and that I will return.  When they walk away from their desk, I watch to make sure they are completely gone from view before sneaking behind their desk and placing the ID where I found it.

At my desk, I pull out my phone and click photos.  Going through each photo, I hit print and wait for each document to slide out of the printer sitting on my credenza before putting my phone away.  Once they are completed, I place them in a folder and meet with my first patient.

My office line rings as I turn my attention to the phone and stare oddly at it.  My assistant has been long gone and it’s not usual I would get calls at this time.  Reaching for it, I put the phone to my ear and wait for the caller to introduce themselves.

“Dr. Evans.”

“Hi Mommy.”  My heart expands as I hear the beautiful voice of my youngest child.

“Hello my love.  How is my baby doing?”

“Fine.  When you toming home?”

“I’m on my way now baby.  How about you go play a game with Daddy and when you are finished, Mommy will be at the front door.  Okay?”

“Yay…Mommy’s toming home.”  I can hear him telling John in the background.  “Daddy say you eat?”

“Yes…I’ll see you in a bit sweetheart.  I Love you.”

“I wuv you too Mommy.”

If I’m honest with myself, I really am not looking forward to going home and seeing John.  But I’m dying to see my son…I missed him today and I simply want to fall asleep with him in my arms tonight.  As promised, I am at John’s doorstep within 25 minutes with my son running into my arms.   He’s so happy that he is smothering my face with kisses as he bounces in my arms and explains about his day.

I’m really not trying to rock the boat here and I was hoping to wait until my son was asleep but just the feeling of being in this house with John is making me uncomfortable.  “Baby….why don’t you go pack up your toys for Mommy.  We’re going to go home tonight?  Would you like that?”

At first, he looks confused but then he smiles and nods his head.  “All my toys der.”

“Yes.”

“We go pick em up and tome back?”

“No, no baby…we are going to stay at our own home.”

“Daddy tome too?”

“No Daddy is going to stay at his own house.”

“Why?”  He looks so confused and I knew from the start that John and I shouldn’t have done this…it was only going to confuse him.

“Because we have our own home and we should be there….same goes for Daddy.”  He appears to be somewhat sadden by this and looks around before back at me.  “Are you okay with this?”

He nods but doesn’t say anything.

“Are you sure?”  I try to smile to cheer him up but he doesn’t smile back.  He nods again and wiggles out of my arms to get down.

“I go get my toys.”  He walks away toward the living room and begins gathering his toys when John comes up to him.

I head upstairs and begin gathering my things as I grab my bag from John’s closet.  No sooner than I have my clothes in my hand does John barrel through the bedroom door with this devastated look on his face.

“Where are you going?”

“Home.”  I keep it simple…I don’t really want to get into it anymore.

“No you cannot go there.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”  I continue placing my clothing in my bag and try to move quickly before he stops me.

“I’m serious Marlena…you cannot go back there.  At least not yet…and not without me.”

“John, I’m not going to do this with you.  The baby and I are going back to the house…until we figure this thing out.”

“Figure what out?”  He snaps as I look to him.

“Are you Really asking me this?”  He can’t be that dull.

“I don’t know what you are trying to figure out.  You’re either leaving me or not?”  My my, he is being mighty cavalier about all this.

My mouth drops as I shake my head and laugh sadly.  “Wow.”

“I’m hoping it’s not.”

I shake my head and continue to throw my clothes in the bag.  I knew it was bound to happen…I know John almost as well as I know myself.  John is quick to walk up and start taking my things back out of my bag, throwing it all on the bed.  “Stop it.”  I snatch my items back and try repacking them.

“Marlena…you cannot go back there.”

“Oh, You think so.”  I’m hardly paying attention, I’m just trying to move faster.

“I won’t let you.”  I look up at him and stare into his ice cold eyes as he stands still, his hands clenching beside him.

“I assume you’re going to stop me?”

“If you want to leave fine…but I won’t let you take my son.”  I’m not sure if I literally groaned in disgust but I know I throw my things down and walk up to him.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

I stare up at him as I cross my arms at my chest.  “Are we really going to go down that route?”

“Don’t make me do it Marlena.”

“I dare you John…I dare you to try and stop me from taking Damian home with me.”

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them back up and looking down at me.  “I can’t stop you…but I refuse to let you put our son in danger.”

“There is no danger John.”

“Don’t you start that with me…that man is dangerous.”  He screams as he points his finger towards the window.  I’m not exactly sure why but I’m assuming it’s because he had nowhere else to point considering how close our bodies are.

“I rather be at home taking that chance then spend one more second with you in this house.”  Angrily I shout these words that I don’t think I had time to think about what I said before it came out of my mouth…but his face tells me that I probably should have thought my words carefully.

“Is that how you really feel?”

I want to so badly hit the rewind button and take back what I said because that isn’t true….Lord knows it isn’t.

“I’m sorry…I misspoke.”

“You meant that didn’t you?”

“Not entirely….no.”

“I don’t understand what that means.”  He slams his hand against the bed as he yanks the materials from out of my hands.

“John….please.  You know I can’t be around you right now.  You know that this is killing me.”  I want to cry…I’m trying real hard not to choke on the tears that are already building.

“Damnit Marlena…you have to believe me when I say this child isn’t my baby.”

I only shake my head and I slowly pack my things.  “I can’t believe that.”  I wipe my face with my hand as I turn around and grab some more clothing from a drawer.  “You were sleeping with her…at the same time you were with me.”  I throw my things in the bag.  “Do you know how disgusting that is?”

“Marlena…”

“Stop…I don’t want to hear it….I don’t want to hear anymore excuses.”

There is silence for a few seconds….some sniffles and the sounds of fabric rubbing against fabric.  I don’t want to talk anymore…I just want to leave.  I need that peace of mind.

He finally breaks the silence.

“If you walk out that door Doc…that is your choice and I won’t stop you.”  I look up at him as he sighs and then looks closely at me before shaking his head.  “But just so you know and we are clear…Damian isn’t going with you.”  Without another word, he turns to leave and closes the bedroom door behind him…leaving me alone in his room.

XXXII.

I’m not sure why I do the things I do…or why I cave into the demands that I should simply turn away from.  I blame myself most of the time because I should be stronger than this…I am an independent woman, so why can’t I simply get up and do the things I want to do.  The truth?  Because of Damian…and only for Damian.   Sadly, I know John knows this too…which is why he plays that card with me.

He knows I want only the best for our son and only for Damian, will I allow myself to stay in a house that I was ready to step foot out of one week ago.  One entire week ago.

I shake my head at the thought as I look out the window and watch as Damian and his father play football in the front lawn.  The smile on my son’s face assures me that I am doing the right thing by staying here and not breaking up his happy home.  Standing crossed armed, I bite my lips and stare down at the carpet that crunches beneath my perfectly french tipped toes.  I promised that I would give this relationship a try….I promised I would stand by his side for the long run.  But he’s testing me…these are not normal circumstances.  How am I supposed to stand by and support this situation?

I look back up and watch John lift Damian in the air and spin him around as if he was an airplane.  I smile softly as I swallow hard, hoping to rid the lump building there.   JT isn’t far from my thoughts.  I remember that chaos…the drama we faced….the toll our marriage took because  of that baby.  For some reason unknown, I stuck around then….I literally supported him the entire time and put my feelings aside.  I promised I would never do that again, yet here I am.

My fingers reach up and wipe the stray tear that has fallen down my cheek.  The distant ringing of my cell can be heard as I turn around and search for the noise.  Quickly walking towards the kitchen, I lift the phone from the counter and glance at the caller ID.  The number doesn’t ring a bell.

“Hello, Dr. Evans.”  I immediately recall the voice as I tuck my hair behind my ear and begin to search for a pen and paper in a drawer.  “Thank you for calling me back….I understand your busy schedule so I truly do appreciate you taking the time to speak with me.”

The conversation is quick as we begin to discuss a few factors that I had inquired about.  Looking over my shoulder, I check to see if Damian and John had entered the front door.  False alarm.

Taking the pen and paper, I run upstairs towards the guest room as I begin to pull out the documents and folder from my bag beside the bed.  Sitting down along the bed, I read over some paperwork as we begin to go over numbers and codes….something up until now, I couldn’t figure out.

“Do you see those markers to the right?”  His voice is deep…almost memorizing.

“I do…that is what I couldn’t understand.”

“Yes precisely…because that specific code doesn’t exist.  If that sequence had been an even 10 digit and 5 letter code in the right order, this wouldn’t be a question of authenticity.”

“So, what you are saying is that this in fact has been tampered with?”

“I cannot be 100% sure if it has been tampered…it could have been a glitch in the system that reversed the numbers.”

“But the likelihood of that occurring?”

“Very slim….”

I smirk as I circle the code and look to another document.  “Exactly.  Thank you Dr. Peterson.”

“Please…call me Drake.”

I smile and look towards the door as I hear laughter.  “You’ve been very kind Drake…thank you.”

“Have you checked the patient’s file in questioning?”

“Not entirely….I was more concerned about the suspicious code as well as the male’s file.”

“I see.  Is this a close patient of yours?”

I sigh and look over at a toy of Damian’s laying on the floor.  “More than I would like to admit, yes.”

“Understandable.”   He clears his throat as I look back to the papers in my lap.  “Does his file read correct?”

“It does.  All of the codes as well as the information appears to be correct, at least on his personal medical file.  The only issue I was noticing was that specific type of code wouldn’t result in the case that two different blood types merged.”

“Correct.  Unless you are absolutely trained for this medical coding….this would go unnoticed to the naked and untrained eye.  Congratulations Dr. Evans…I believe you have reached my level.”

Smiling, I put down the paperwork as I glance at the time on my watch.  “Hardly the case but Thank you for the compliment Drake…I truly wouldn’t have been able to do this without your guidance, for that I am grateful.  I won’t take up anymore of your time.”

“Not an issue at all…should you need anything else, please do not hesitate to contact me.”

We end our calls as I begin to place the documents back into a folder.  I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders…as if one potential issue is now crossed off the board for us.  But I also know I have a little more work to do before I can hit this one out of the park.

I begin to scroll through my phone as I search for my Gynecologist’s number.  Apparently, Kim goes there too, at least her file lists that.  What are the odds?  I need to get into the office and look up her file somehow….I just need to make sure that this is a confirmed and valid pregnancy.  Placing the phone to my ear, I wait for the reception to set an appointment for a “check-up”.

Once I have completed that, I flip through the papers in my lap as I begin to dial a number on one of the reports.  I need to get into that clinic and search their database for the test results.  It would list the entire group of tests that were done, and that in fact would prove if a glitch did or did not occur in the system.

I hear Damian calling for me as I turn towards the door and quickly put away the paperwork and file in my bag.  Heading downstairs, I see my son as his face lights up and he runs toward me, reaching up so that I can scoop him into my arms.

“Did you have fun outside?”  I nuzzle my nose with his as he steals a kiss on my lips and nods happily.

“Yesh…we played football.”  His eyes sparkle when he says this.

“I know…I saw.  You were the perfect little player.”

“I was.”  He laughs as he tilts his head back.

“Sweetie…are you hungry?”

He nods happily as he holds my face and leans close to my ear.  “I want Pizza.”

I smile and shake my head slowly.  “Absolutely not…it’s much too early for that.”

“Peas.”  He pleads as he closes his eyes and hisses out the last syllable of the word.

“Maybe for dinner…not for lunch.”

“Daddy say I can.”

“Well Daddy is sadly mistaken because Pizza is out of the question.”

“Mommy…peas.”

“No.”  I give a firm answer with no room for exceptions.  “How about a grilled cheese sandwich.”

“No.”  He pouts and crosses his arms, leaning back so he isn’t close to me.  I grip him tighter so he doesn’t lose his balance and fall back.

“Damian, don’t pull away.  You’re going to fall.”

“I want pizza.”

“Sorry.”  I shrug as he kicks gently to be let down.  “How about a small ham sandwich and some fruit?”

“No.”  He shouts and closes his eyes.  It takes everything in my power not to scoop him back up and put him in his room for a time out.  These tantrums are getting on my last nerve.

“Excuse me, Damian Michael Black?  I suggest you fix that attitude of yours very quickly before I fix it for you.”

“Daddy.”  He starts to whine and walk off but I grab him by the arm and keep him near me.

“I don’t care that you call Daddy.  You are not eating pizza for lunch and that is that.”  His eyes look up at me as they begin to water and small beads begin to trickle down his face.  His lips curve into a horrible pout that breaks my heart a little.

“Son…time to eat.”  I look in the direction of John’s voice before looking back down at Damian.

“Go ahead.”  I follow him as he walks sadly into the kitchen.  John stops when he sees Damian and crouches down to meet him at eye level.

“Hey hey…what’s with the tears buddy.  What’s wrong?”

“Mommy say I tan’t have pizza.”

John’s eye rise to meet mine and I’m not sure what that look means…but I am not backing down.  “She did?”

“Yesh.”  He drops his head and starts to whimper.

“Shh, no tears.  No worries my son….come with me.”  John scoops him up and carries him to the counter, sitting him down in the tall chair.  “Daddy is here to save the day.”

My mouth literally drops when I see John pull out a plate from around the corner with two small square slices of pizza on it.  He places it in front of him and his juice box as Damian’s face lights up.

Great…John is trying to play the hero and going against me.  We always agreed we would not do this to each other as parents…yet here is he, caving into my son’s demands and dismissing my rules.

“John?”  I try to keep the anger from my voice but I’m sure my face says it all.

“Yeah…”  He looks towards me and I shake my head unbelievably.

“I can’t believe you….I said he couldn’t have that for lunch.”

“It’s only pizza Doc.”  He waves at me dismissively and leans down to our son, kissing the top of his head.  Of course, Daddy….the hero.  Mommy…the witch.

I bite my lip in anger as I turn away and walk out the room.  I think it’s best that I walk out of the room…I don’t want to argue and I don’t want to debate about this in front of our son.

I truly need to get out of this house and go back to my own.

My phone rings again and I notice the number calling…which has me pausing in the corridor.  Quickly answering it, I smile when my caller apologizes for the disruption and asks me a question…a rather strange one.

“Would it be appropriate if I asked you to join me for lunch?  Of course, once you have all the documents in order.”

I pause because I am not sure how to respond to this.  Is this a business lunch?  Where in the world is this coming from?  One simply phone call turned into this?

“Um, sure…when would you like to do lunch?”

“I am available whenever you have a moment Dr. Evans.”

“Please…Marlena.”

“Thank you Marlena.”

“Well, I am free this week.  Tomorrow afternoon I have some appointments but I can meet for lunch.”

“Fantastic…tomorrow at 1?  Shall we say…Hugos?”

What an expensive restaurant just for lunch.  “Sounds great.  See you then.”

Hanging up, I look at the phone and then back towards the hallway that leads to the kitchen.  Shaking my head, I walk towards the office and decide to bury myself into the work that I have been putting off.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Walking into the packed restaurant, I look around the room slowly before making my way towards the host’s podium.  Adjusting the thick strap of my dress along my shoulder, I smile at the young host and say the name of the person I am meeting.

“Yes, he is waiting for you.  Please follow me.”  I swallow roughly as I hold my purse closely and follow the small framed girl towards the back of the restaurant.  She turns to me and smiles as she pulls back a chair and places the menu down on the plated table.

“Marlena…thank you for joining me.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I shake his hand and smile graciously as I stare into his bright brown eyes.  “The pleasure is all mine Mr. Peterson.”

“Drake, please.”

“Oh yes…I’m sorry.  Drake.”  I smile and take my seat as I place my purse along my chair.  “Were you waiting long?  I apologize for the delay.”

“No need….I just got here myself.”  He smiles politely as he motions for the waiter.  “Can you please order me a glass of Merlot.  And for the lady?”

I look up and smile while placing my menu down.  “I’ll just stick to water for now.  Thank you.”  The waiter nods as he walks away while I adjust the napkin in my lap.

“Did you not want a real drink?” He smiles charmingly as I shake my head and smile politely.

“It’s a bit too early for me but thank you.”  He nods and adjusts the sleeve on his jacket while playing with his watch.  He is quite handsome.  Judging by our phone call, I wasn’t expecting this slightly tanned middle aged man to look the way he does.  I expected old, slightly overweight, balding…glasses.  This man sitting across from me is nothing like the figure my imagination created.

He has dimples…not so deep but enough to make his smile even more charming then it already is.  His lips are fuller than Johns…his jawline almost comparable.  His hair is short, salt and peppered color although more darker than light.  His eyelashes are dark and long, shading those large rich brown orbs that stare back at me.

I shake my head a bit…what am I doing here?

“Marlena…tell me.  How is your investigation going?”

Changing the topic…exactly what I need.  “It’s going…thank you for all your help.  I must say, I was quite surprised and relieved to hear from you.  The infamous Dr. Drake Peterson actually reaching out…I must say, quite the honor.”

He laughs, its such a deep infectious one.  “Please, you’re being much too kind.  I simply was returning a request that was marked with great importance.”

“Surely, I couldn’t have been the only important request.”

His eyes skim towards my face from his plate.  The color flickers into a darker shade yet still so hypnotizing.   “No, you weren’t.”  I’m not sure if I should smile but I do and begin to look everyone else but him.

“I must say, I am very impressed with your reputation Dr. Evans.”

Looking towards him, I rub my arms from the chill in the restaurant and smirk  “Is that so?  How did you come to know about me Dr. Peterson?  I am not quite the celebrity  in the medical field as yourself.”

“Are you kidding?  You’re named one of the top psychiatrists in the Midwest.  In fact, if I am not mistaken….you are ranked top 10 in New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Boston, and the list goes on.”  He laughs as he sits back while the waiter places down his glass of wine on the table.

“Someone did their homework I see.”  I look up at the waiter and smile, mouthing the words ‘thank you’ as I lift my glass of water.

“A toast…”  He lifts his glass and holds it up while looking at me.  “To success, achievement, and new friendship.”

I clink my glass of water with his as he sips his drink and reaches for his menu.  “Have you eaten here before?”

“I have…many times before.”

“Excellent…so I don’t need to offer my recommendations?”

“Well, unless you absolutely feel the need to then sure…otherwise, I think I can manage.”  We both laugh as we stare at our menus.

An hour into our meal, we have literally skirted around every topic but our personal lives.  I hadn’t noticed a wedding band on his finger nor a tan line from one.  I’m sure he noticed I was ring-less as well.

“So we covered every base about our professional lives…”

I nod, knowing where this is going.  “Yes we have.”

“May I break the ice?”

“By all means…”  I signal with my hand that he may proceed.

“I assume you aren’t married?”

I shake my head and smile politely.  “Divorced.”

“Well don’t we have something in common.”  I pretend to be shocked as I rest my chin in my hand.

“You….divorced?  I don’t believe it.”

He nods as he reaches for his glass again.  “Yes, unfortunately…people fall apart.  We were married for a long time.  25 years before we put it on a chopping block.”

“Wow…25 years.”

“Yes, I know.  Life moves on.”

“Was this a recent divorce?”

He purses his lips and looks at the table.  “I wouldn’t say recent, we’ve been divorced about 2 years now.”

“I see.  Any children?”

“Yes, two boys.  They’re 18 & 21.”

“That’s wonderful.  Their older so I’m assuming your hands aren’t too full with them.”

“No, thank God.  That era is over with.”  I nod and take another sip of my drink.  “And yourself, any children?”

“I do.  I have 4.  And 2 stepchildren.”

“Wow, you definitely have had your hands full.”

I nod and make a face.  “I still do.”

“Oh?”  He looks curious now.  “Are they all young?”

“No, no…My twins and younger daughter are in their 20’s.  My littlest one is 3.”

I do believe this man almost choked on his drink.  “Oh my God…3 years old?  He’s a baby.”

I smile as I shake my head and hold up 3 fingers.  “Yes, 3 years old.  And quite the handful.”

“I assume he must have been the wonderful surprise.”

I’m not sure if I should be offended by that comment but I take it lightly.  Of course he would assume that, it’s true.  Judging by the age differences, of course Damian was a surprise.   “That he was.”

“How long have you been divorced?”

“Same as you…two years.”

“Wow, so you’ve had your hands full raising him.”

“No, not entirely.  His father was there giving the equal amount of support and attention for our son.”

“Yes of course.”  We both stay quiet as he looks to his wine glass and than I.  “May I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“And if this is too personal, please feel free to disregard the question.”  I nod and wait for him to continue.  “Did the baby play a part in the divorce?”  I’m somewhat stunned as I wasn’t expecting that question.

“No, it had nothing to do with our child.  We simply just couldn’t see eye to eye anymore.”

“I see.”  He pauses for a moment then looks to continue.  “Was it hard to walk away from a marriage with a child that young?”

“It was…and it took quite a bit to adapt but just as so many have said before…time heals all.”

Before our lunch had ended, he asked if he could take me out sometime, on a personal level.  I was truly touched and quite flattered by the question.  Had this been any other time, I would have gladly took the opportunity with an open mind.

“Thank you for the offer and please know that I absolutely think you are a charming and kind man….I am truly flattered.”

“I sense there is a but coming…”  I laugh and stand up from my chair as he does the same.  His dark crisp suit fits him beautifully as he comes over to me and pulls my chair back completely.

“There is.”  Apologetically I smile and touch his arm gently.  “I absolutely would have loved the idea but I am involved with someone.”

“Oh, apologies.  I hadn’t known.”

“How could you have known….It’s okay.”

“I do hope this man treats you like the beautiful soul that you are.”

“Now now…you hardly know me Mr. Peterson.”  I giggle while nodding gently.  “He is a wonderful man and he does treat me beautifully.  I am a lucky woman.”

“Well, he’s a lucky man.”

“You’re too kind, thank you.”

“I guess I’ll be patient and stand by.”  He winks and gives such a dashing smile that is enough to make me blush yet again.

I’m not sure what to say, I simply squint my eyes at him and make a playful face.  “Thank you again for this wonderful lunch, I had a fabulous time and I should hope this will not put a stop to a possible professional relationship?”

“Of course not…”  He reaches for my hand and softly pulls it to his lips.  “It was a pleasure Dr. Evans…”  Kissing my hand, I blush slightly and  thank him again.

“The pleasure was all mine Dr. Peterson.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The orange reddish clouds begin to cover the sky when I walk through the front doors of my home.  It feels strange to be here, standing alone in a quiet corridor.  The house is chilled and cold, no signs of any life going on throughout these frame covered walls.  I slowly close the door and walk through my house quietly as I look around.

How I’ve missed my home….how I wish to be back here.  This is my home sweet home…my sense of comfort.

I look at my watch and notice that I probably need to get home to Damian soon but I really need to get some of these documents processed and I need to pack a new change of clothes for my son and I.  I’m tired of living out of one bag for the both of us.

Grabbing my bag closely, I jog up the stairs and throw my documents onto my desk.  I smile appreciatively at the work I’ve completed and the results I have encountered.  I guess being married to a spy does have its advantages.  Looking over the papers, I flick through them as I add post it notes with my scribbles on there, showing dates and times.  I can have these at the attorneys office no later than tomorrow.  I can give them enough evidence to start a search and subpoena the clinics.

My phone beeps and I turn to look at the screen.  A text from Drake….really?  I thought we left off with an understanding that it could be no more than a simple lunch date.

‘Thank you for today, you truly are a beautiful woman and I truly appreciate the time you spent with me.  Until another time…Drake.’

I’m not sure what to make of the message but I sigh and place the phone back down.   I run my hand through my hair…I’m truly exhausted and I would love nothing more than a bath.

I have enough time.

Unzipping my dress at the side, I start to make my way to the bedroom as I begin pulling off my dress and tossing it onto the dresser in the middle of my closet.  Grabbing my silk black robe, I remove my stockings and toss them into a hamper.  Heading to the bathroom, I hit the light switch and  turn on the water.  Removing my black lacy bra and panties, I place them in the hamper in the bathroom and clip my hair up.  I don’t feel like dealing with wet curly hair that will be so out of control once I’m out the shower.

For 20 minutes do I stand below the sprayer, enjoying every second of the steamy water that beads across my skin.  I feel completely relaxed and truly happy for the time being.  I have so much to do and so much to say, but I think I will keep it to myself until I head to over to the attorney tomorrow.

By the time I jump out the shower….I begin to dry myself off and slip into my black silk robe.  Removing the clip from my hair,  I swish my hair until it falls evenly around me, long blonde strands slowly waving down.  I start to reach for my phone when I stop and look around.   I suddenly remember I left my phone in the other room.  Knowing that I should keep it close because Damian isn’t with me, has me in a slight hurry to go grab it and make sure I didn’t miss any calls.

When I turn the corner to the office, I scream and jump as a tall man is standing in my office with his back to me.

“Oh my God.”  I literally jump and stumble back as he turns towards me and looks at me up and down.  “What in hell are you doing here John?”

His face is still….almost angry.  “I could ask you the same thing.”

“This is my home.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Why do I need to report that to you?”  My heart has yet to calm down and I must be breathing a million breaths a minute.

“Marlena….”  He closes his eyes only to open them and look over me.  “What were you doing?”

“What? Are you kidding?  I was showering…is that a problem?”

“Hmm, odd considering I have three perfectly working showers at home.”  He really is serious right now.  You have got to be kidding me.

“Are you joking?”

“Nope.  I’m just wondering why you went missing since this morning, haven’t been home at all and then you come here to shower.”

I make a face and shake my head as if I cannot believe we are doing this.  “I don’t see the issue here.”

“Why are you here?”

“Jesus, John….”  I throw my hands at my side….why must he be so suspicious.  “Why are you acting this way.”

“I’m just curious is all.”  I don’t say anything, I only shake my head in disappointment.  “You have yet to step foot here since we moved you to the condo…yet you come home today…this evening for the first time…and shower.”

“Your point?”

“And you’re wondering why I am asking.”

“What are you even doing here?  How did you even know I was here?”

He makes a face and slants his mouth.  “Come on Marlena…I’m a former ISA agent.   Don’t underestimate me now…you know I have this place monitored 24/7.”

“Oh does that mean you have me monitored as well.”

“No, I never said you.”

“So you checked in on your little gadgets and noticed I was here?”

“Point is you are here…and only in a robe…fresh out the shower.”

“And?”

“And I am wondering why?”

“I’m not doing this with you right now….there is nothing to explain.”  I turn to walk away and then I stop and think about the paperwork on my desk.  Turning back, I look at him.  “How long have you been here?”

“Enough to wonder who the hell is Drake?”  His eyebrow lifts and he waves my phone in front of me slowly.  I close my eyes and breathe….shaking my head.

And here we go……It starts now.

“Oh my God…..really John, really?”

“Really Marlena?”  He eyes me closely as he walks up to me, standing near my face.  “Is that why you are here?  After spending time with him today…is that why you came here…..to…shower.”  He whispers these words near my cheek as he leans close to my face.

“Stop it…that’s not what it is.”

“Then what is it?”  I look up at him as I pull away slowly.  “Who is he and what are you doing with him?”

“John….”  I close my eyes and try to speak but can’t.  I look suspicious.  “Why are you even going through my phone?”

He leans closer until I am pinned between his body and the wall behind me.  His lips are mighty close to mine as he skims his face against my nose, my cheeks and then traces his lips near mine.  When he pulls back, his eyes are beyond dark and his face is filled with anger.  “Who is Drake?”

XXXIII.

Have you ever been caught in a moment that you wish you could take back?  It’s a horrible feeling really.  It’s one of those moments that literally have you standing there looking like a complete liar and unbelievably suspicious no matter how hard you try to defend your actions.  It’s sad that I’ve come accustomed to this feeling.

I wish I could just speak up and defend myself…tell him the truth about all this.  Perhaps it’s best.

But how am I supposed to plead my case when this man is centimeters away from my face…from my lips.  I shut my eyes in hopes that I am envisioning all this…that I am really just imagining this situation.  Could I still be in the shower daydreaming?  When my eyes blink open, I quickly realize how wrong I am.   He’s still standing there, his eyes almost pure black, his jawline stiff and his lips pressed firmly together.

“John, please….let me explain.”

“I don’t want to know anything else right now other than who this man is.”  His right hand skims down my neck and to my collarbone where he fingers the edge of my silk robe.  When I shiver beneath his touch, his eyes follow his fingertips as he scans my skin where his fingers dance.  It almost feels as if he is inspecting me.

“He’s no one other than a professional colleague of mine.”

“Is that so?”  His fingers move from my skin as they trail down my arm slowly.  “Tell me about the text.”

“What about it?”  I’m sort of irked by him browsing through my phone.

“Where did you go with him?”

“Lunch.”  I sigh when his hand falls to my stomach and he begins toying with the sash that is tied firmly at my waist.

“Where?”

“Why?”

“Answer me.”  His mouth comes close to my ear as he inhales my hair and pulls back slowly.

“Why does that matter?”

“I’m curious.”  His fingers begin tugging at the sash and I shift against the wall so that I can move back, without much luck of course.   His hand flattens against my belly as he holds me against the wall, keeping me still.  “Don’t move.”

“I don’t want to do this.”

“Do what?”  He moves toward my face and our noses touch.  “You don’t want to answer my question.”  His words are quiet as I close my eyes and fight the urge to shove him away.  “Where did you go?”

“Hugos….feel better?”

He dips his head and slants his mouth.  “Not bad…man has taste.”

I shake my head and bite my lip softly.  “Please don’t do this…don’t go there.”   I swallow hard as I lift my eyes to meet his.  “Don’t make something out nothing.  It was a business lunch…nothing more.”

“Is that all it was?”

“Yes.”  I hiss out as I try to move but this time, his hand moves back to my shoulder and presses me still against the cool wall.

“It just seems odd Marlena.  You’re missing all day…you go to lunch with a man I’ve never heard of..”

“How would you…you’re not in the medical field.”  I interrupt him as he closes his eyes and breathes deeply.

“As I was saying….I’ve never heard of him…you had a very nice lunch with him at a very top notch location…and then you come here to shower and change.  And you are wondering why I am suspicious.”

“Must you base everything on sex?”  I want to cry…I don’t like feeling cornered or being made to feel cheap.  “Why do you color everything with sex?  There is more to life then that John.”  He watches me but doesn’t say a word.  “Why are you doing this?  It was lunch…nothing more.”

“Do you want out?”

“What?”  I sigh and look up at him, I’m confused.  He sounds different…his voice sounds drained.

“Do you want to leave me?”

I don’t even know what to say…it’s one of those moments that have you stunned to silence.  He watches me closely and waits for my reaction.

“Is that what you want…is that why you were with him?  Considering other options?”

“Would you blame me?”  Why did I ask that?  I’m adding fuel to this fire.

He makes a face and turns away for a second.  “No.”  He backs away from me and finally gives me the space I was seeking.  “You promised to come back to me completely…you promised to be by my side….has that changed?”

I look to him and shrug.  “I don’t know.”

He nods and steps towards my desk, placing down my phone.   His eyes fall to the paperwork on my desk and I swallow hard as my breathing becomes heavier.  I can almost hear my heart pounding in my ears as I see him lean down a bit and pick up a piece of paper.  He turns to look at me as he holds the piece of paper up.   “What is this?”

“Nothing important.”  I keep my voice calm as he looks over the paperwork again.  My mind is racing with a million explanations but neither seem to be an appropriate excuse.

“You’re changing Damian’s account?”  My face twitches in confusion as I bat my eyes and walk slowly up to him.

“What?”

“This…according to what I am seeing, you’re changing Damian’s trust fund that we setup.”

I breath a sigh of relief and walk around him, pulling files on top of the documents that I was hoping John wouldn’t see.   “Oh, I am.  I am just removing all traces of your name to avoid any mishaps during trial.”

“His funds wouldn’t be touched…that’s the whole point of the trust fund.”

“Well…you never know.”  Taking the paper from his hand, I place it back on my desk and neatly pile everything in a stack.  Looking up at him, I place a hand behind my back as I motion with my other hand towards him and I.  “Are we done here?”

“Are we?”  His voice sounds sad.

“That’s not how I meant it.”  I try to correct myself because I realize that my statement could have had many different meanings.

“Nope…no need to explain.”  He eyes me up and down once more before closing his eyes.  “I’m outta here.”  He kind of gives me this slight salute and turns to walk off.  I shut my eyes in agony because I am not sure if I should just let him walk out of here with the idea that I am not supporting him, or that I am leaving his side.  Should I tell him the truth?

Against my better judgement, I run after him and catch him in the hallway before he reaches the stairway.  “John, wait.”  He stops and hesitates for  a minute but then begin to head down the first step.  “No, please wait.”  I reach for him and grab the back of his shirt, pulling it to stop him.  “John, please….I need to say something.”

“There really is nothing to say….you’ve made your point.”

“I’m not seeing that man.  I’m not moving on.  He is not some other option as you have put it.”  I can see John  debating with himself but he doesn’t turn to look at me.  “I don’t want you leaving here thinking that I am walking away from you.  I promised to stay by your side and support you, nothing has changed.”

He begins to slowly turn to me and look at my face.  “You can walk away…I’m not going to beg you to stay.”

“I don’t want you to…I chose to stay.”

“Even with the baby on the way?”  His voice breaks when he mentions the word baby.  I nod and sigh gently.

“Even with the baby.”

“What changed your mind?”

“Nothing changed my mind…I’ve just had time to cool down.”  He doesn’t budge from the step that he is standing on and I don’t back away.  It’s almost as if we are afraid to make any moves.

“So there is nothing going on with him?”

“No John…it’s was just a business lunch.”

“I’m sorry..I just can’t accept that.”  He shakes his head and looks to me as if he is upset or maybe even disgusted.  What in the world did I do now?

“What do you mean by that?”

“I just find it hard to believe that you went to eat with this man, he sends you this text and you come here to shower.”  His eyes are almost piercing.  “Sorry…I just can’t get that thought of my head.”

“Of me with him?”  I’m upset that he feels I could do something like that in such a short time frame of us parting.

“I can’t do this.”  He start to leave but I speak up.

“So you assume I fucked him.”  His steps come to a halt as he tightens his fists at his side.  “Is that what you want to believe?”

“Doc…”

“You think I brought him back here and made love to him while you were at the townhouse, watching our son?  Have we really gotten to that point of thinking so little of one another John?”

“I didn’t think that.”  His voice is almost a guttural groan.

“Oh I see…you must have thought I slept with him elsewhere and came back here to shower…to remove any evidence of being with him before coming back to you and Damian.  That’s right…that makes sense.”  I’m baiting him…and I know exactly why I am doing it.

He thunders up the stairs towards me but I don’t move an inch.  “Aren’t you tired of playing this game Marlena?  Aren’t you tired of being at each others throats?  All we do is fight and have sex.  I’m tired of it.”

“I’m glad to see we are on the same page then.”  I eye his lips as the urge to run my mouth along them is quite strong.  Maybe it’s been too long for us…but I badly want him to put his arms around me.  Not necessarily do I want sex but I wouldn’t turn him down if it was leading that way.  “So we should probably stop having sex then.”

His breathing is much heavier than mine, his eyes are still much darker than normal.  “Yeah…”  His mouth is tempting as his tongue darts out quickly to swipe at his lips.  “I think so too.”

“I agree.”  I take my chances and turn away from him, preparing to walk down to my bedroom.  But what he didn’t know was that deep inside, I was hoping he would stop me from leaving, that he wouldn’t just let me leave like that.  I get a few feet away and with each step, I lose a little more hope that he will come after me.  By the time, I reach my door, my heart has literally dropped and I realize, I just may have him pushed him too far…to the point of no return.  I close my eyes for a second because I’m afraid if I keep them open, tears will fall.

His hand grasps my wrist and my body turns rapidly in his direction as my chest comes crashing against his.   I’m afraid to meet his eyes but when his finger dips beneath my chin and raises my face towards his, I succumb to those blue orbs staring right into my soul.

“I love you.”  His mouth is near mine, so very close.  “I will always love you.”  He rubs his nose against mine and my eyes flutter close as I feel the tingling of our skin mixing.  “But I can’t do this anymore…this meaningless sex is hurting us more than anything else.”  His lips fall to mine in the softest of kisses before he pulls away and places both hands on my face, urging me to look at him.  “I have to get out of here.”  He breathes heavily and shuts his eyes as if he is in pain.  “I guess I’ll see you later.”

Without another word, he releases my face and walks away, practically jogging down the steps before I hear the front door close.  I shut my eyes and hold my hands to my chest as I lean against the wall, unable to process what has just happened.  What have I done to him?

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By the time I walk through the front door of John’s townhome, it’s slightly dark out and the house is still somewhat upbeat.  I can hear Damian’s cartoons being played over the surround sound, although I have no clue why…and I can hear my son’s loud laughter as he calls for his daddy.  I’m so upset because I should be the one sitting and playing with him, not the other way around with John being at his beck and call.

Placing down a small carry on bag near the stair case, I dig into another large bag that holds Damian’s things as I retrieve his favorite action figure.  Walking into the living room, I watch as Damian giggles in the air as John tickles him while holding him above his head.  It tugs my heart because this little boy is our last, the only child we will ever have.

Damian’s bright eyes turn towards me and his toothy grin grows wider as he screams Mommy while kicking for John to let him down.  When John places him down, Damian runs towards me as I bend down and open my arms.

“Come here my sweet boy.”  I wrap my arms tightly around him as I kiss his head while standing up and bringing him with me.  He manages to wrap his tiny legs around me as much as he can while he tells me he misses me.  “Oh Mommy has missed you way more.  I’m sorry I’m late…I had to work.”  I kiss his head once more before setting him on my hip and holding out his toy.  “But look what Mommy brought you from home?”  I try to act super surprised as he squeals in delight and grabs for it.  He thanks me while asking to be let down.  When he is on the ground, he rushes to John as he shows him his toy and then immediately sits on the floor to play with it.

John meets my eyes as we both stare at each other, neither bothering to say a word to one another.   I watch as he stands and walks by me, but not to me.  “Hi.”  It’s quick and somewhat impersonal as he heads towards the kitchen.   I don’t bother to follow him, I only turn my head back towards Damian and walk over towards the couch.  Sitting on the soft cushion, I run my fingers through his dark unruly hair as he continues to play with his toy.

“Your hair is getting long, we need to cut it a bit.”  He nods and smiles up at me but goes back to his toy.   “Are you happy to have that toy?”

“Yesh Mommy.”  I smile and look at my watch.  It’s almost his bedtime.

“Baby…why don’t we go get you in a bath.  It’s almost bedtime.  You can bring your toy with you.”

“Not yet.”  He begins to whine but I lean down and kiss his head.

“Yes…come on.”  I grab his hand and lift him as he whines a bit more but eventually follows me.

Once I get him undressed and in the tub, he plays happily with his toy and splashes it in and out of the water while making noises as I scrub his hair.  I continue to ask him about his day which he answers but you can tell that the toy has his full attention.

“Mommy…I wuv you.”  My heart literally melts as I smile happily while he turns to look up at me.

“Oh my sweet baby…you have no idea how much Mommy loves you.  I love you more than you could ever know.”  I kiss his cheek then the back of his neck as he giggles and squirms.

“Mommmmyyyyyy….”  He squirms some more while splashing a little water on me.  I continue to wash him as he lifts his arms and I rub the sponge up and down his skin.

Within a half hour, I have him dressed in his pajamas and tucked into his bed with his toy.  I sit along the edge of his small toddler bed while we say our prayers.  I lean down to kiss his head and tell him that I love him.

“Now close those eyes….get some sleep little one.”  I kiss him again and watch as he cuddles into his pillow, holding his toy close to him.  For a few minutes do I sit there and watch his eyes flutter until I am for sure he is out for the night.

Heading to John’s bedroom, I go into my carry on and start removing clothes that I packed.  I have no idea why I put my bag in here but I think it’s time to repair this bridge that we have damaged.   After unpacking items and hanging up suits, I undress from my casual outfit and slip into a black short nightgown while throwing on my matching robe.

I don’t know why but I am determined to make things right with John tonight.  I have to.

I am at the point where I want to make love to him until he absolutely forgives me for this afternoon.  I know I’ve done nothing wrong but the fact that I lead him to believe that I could have done something with someone else today, does in fact bother me.

When I go downstairs, I find him on the couch staring at the TV, watching the replays of some football game.  He’s sipping his scotch as his eyes fall to me and stare at me while I walk slowly towards him.  He doesn’t say anything, he only turns his eyes back to the TV.  I take a seat near him and watch the screen blankly, debating on how I should start the conversation.

“Is he out?”  His voice breaks my thoughts.

“He is.”

“That’s good.”  He takes another sip and grits his teeth as he swallows the dark liquid roughly.

“John…can we talk?”  I turn towards him but I see no reaction.

“About what?”

“About today.”

He doesn’t really react to anything, he just keeps staring at the TV.   “There is really nothing to talk about.  We covered it all, remember?”  He only looks to me for a second and then changes the channel.

“I feel like we have a lot of things to discuss.”

“Well…I think you’re alone there.”  He keeps changing the channel that I get to the point where I reach over and take it from his hands, hitting mute and placing it down on my side.

“Please just listen to me.”

“Marlena…look.  I believe you that nothing happened today.  Leave it be.”  He takes another drink…this time a gulp.

“That’s not all I was going to say.”

“Well…it’s been a long day and I’m tired.  I think I am going to call it a night.”  He sips the remainder of his drink and prepares to get up but I stop him by placing my hand on his lap.

“Don’t walk away.”

“Why not?”  He finally really looks to me for the first time since I sat down.  “Isn’t that what you did?”

“John, I never walked away.  I’m still here aren’t I?”  He shrugs but doesn’t say anything.  “In the case that I was distant, could you blame me?”  I wait for a reaction.  “The man that I love, got another woman pregnant…and that hurt me.”

“I’m not doing this….I’ve said it over and over again.  That isn’t my baby.”

I drop my eyes and mumble out small words.  “I know.”  He doesn’t think twice about what I say.  It could have so many different meanings but he chalks it up as me simply justifying his claim.  A claim he has made thousands and thousands of times.  In reality, my simple ‘I know’ is something much more.

“Goodnight Doc.”  He starts to get up but I stop him again, this time putting more pressure on his lap.

“Don’t leave.”  His eyes shine with confusion as I crawl over him and straddle his lap.  Placing my hands on his face, I move in to kiss him but he backs up and turns his face away.

“Stop…don’t do that.”

“Kiss me.”

“No.”  He turns his face every time I try to peck his lips.  “I told you earlier, I can’t have sex with you anymore.  I don’t want to do that.”

“I don’t want to have sex with you.”  I pull back and look into his face.  “I want to make love to you.”

He shakes his head and tries to pick me up and push me away from him.  “I won’t be that one to handle that rare urge of yours.  I’m not going to do that anymore.”

“John…don’t do this.”  I try to grab him but he stops my hands and lets the glass he was holding, fall to the couch.

“Stop it Marlena.”  He closes his eyes as if he can’t contain his anger.  “I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s best if you do leave.”

“What?”  I’m literally thrown off base.

“You and Damian should leave me.  This ‘relationship’ isn’t working…we’re only doing more damage to our son and each other.”

“What are you saying?”  I’m so frozen, I’m not even sure what to think or say.

“It was fun while it lasted, but let’s call a spade a spade.  We tried, we failed.”  He grins sadly and looks up at me.  “You’re free to do what you want, see who you want….It’s for the best.”

I could cry right now…I could shatter above him but I won’t.  I need to fight for my man…I won’t let him give up on me.  I can’t….we’ve come too far to let this thing go.

“You’re not walking away from me John.”

“I have to…I can’t handle this anymore.”  He closes his eyes and tries to move me from his lap but I don’t budge.

“Look at me.”  My voice is stern as I try to get him to stare up at me but he won’t.  “Look at me John.”  When our eyes meet, his face is tense but I can see that glimmer of hope inside those eyes.  “I won’t let you leave me.”

“I’ve said those exact words to you so many times before…and up until now…I never realized how pointless they were.”  His face is blank as he runs his hands across my thighs, maneuvering them up and down my skin.  “I love you….but I just can’t do with you anymore.  I’m sorry.”

XXXIV.

It’s been three weeks…three whole weeks that have passed since we last tried anything with each other.  I should rephrase that….since I have tried to do anything with him.  I’ve been feeling miserable these past few weeks….the thought of John seriously avoiding me is killing not only my self esteem but inflicting pain into my soul as well.

That night, John literally picked me up from his lap and sat me aside on the couch.  He gathered his glass in his hand and stood up from the couch, before turning to me and giving me this unexplainable look.  He said we couldn’t be, not anymore before he turned away and walked out of the room.  I sat there on his couch in a short black nightgown and robe, something I put on just for him only to be left alone with a bruised ego and damaged soul while I heard him head up the stairs.  I had wanted to cry but I fought the urge.

I waited for a bit before I headed for Damian’s room to check on him.  With one final kiss, I walked out of his room and closed his door slightly, before creeping into John’s bedroom.  I knew he didn’t want to be near me but I wasn’t prepared to give up either.  I had crawled into his bed and quietly pulled the covers over my body as I adjusted myself on my side of his bed.

He had been sleeping, quite peacefully.  I stared at him for what seemed like hours.  I couldn’t believe that we had come this far, crossed that bridge where he literally wanted nothing to do with me.  It hurt….It hurt too damn much to know that but I was determined to fix things with John.  I know I had been a brat but I couldn’t lose him.

I woke early the next morning only to find him gone.  His side of the bed had been made and there was no trace of him anywhere.  No note, no hint of cologne…nothing.  We had managed to sleep through an entire night without having any body contact….a first for us.  I sadly crawled out of bed and showered, changed, and headed for my son’s room to get the day started.

As the weeks had passed, John and I had very little arguments.  The sad part about all that is that when they no longer argue with you, is when they absolutely no longer care….and that scares the hell out of me.   I know he wanted me out of his life…he made it clear with every move he made.  I’m sure he wanted me out of the townhome but didn’t have the heart to tell me to pack up and leave with Damian.  I’m guessing he was just hoping I would figure it out and save us all the pain.  I know he wouldn’t throw us out but at the same time, us not being together usually means ‘get the hell out of my house’ kind of scenario.

He moved to the guest bedroom and let me stay in his…another sign that he doesn’t want to be with me.  I’ve managed to hold in my cries but late at night I do let the tears fall and cry myself to sleep.  I truly have no one to blame but myself at this point…I pushed him too far.  I should have known that eventually he would get tired of chasing me.

I still have not turned in that paperwork to his attorney…I guess I was waiting for the right moment to tell him but considering our circumstances, that doesn’t look like it will be happening anytime soon.   I probably should sit him down today and discuss that…we are running out of his time and his court dates are rapidly approaching.   We have a minor hearing this morning and with John and I on opposite sides of the fence, its not going to be a smooth day.

I glance at my watch before staring out the court house window….admiring the landscaping that frames the perimeter of the building.  Dressed in a fitted black skirt suit, I finger the pearl necklace around my neck and adjust the clasp to make sure it’s even.  I’m so nervous…I’m sure being here and seeing John is most likely the probable cause for it.

“Marlena…”  I hear one his attorneys behind me as I turn towards them and smile weakly.  Shaking his hand, we exchange pleasantries while he waits for his other partner.  “How are you this morning?”

“I can’t complain yet.”  We both do a slight giggle before I hear his cell ring.  He excuses himself and takes the call while I reach for my purse and prepare to enter the courtroom once he returns.  When he hangs up, his face looks pale as he walks back towards me.  “What’s wrong?”

“Uh, can we talk for a moment?”

“Sure..”  My heart drops as he leads me towards an empty corner of the hallway and stands in front of me while I am practically hidden in the corner.

“I just got a call about something that is expected to arise in court today.”

“Okay…”

“This might affect you?”

My face drops as I look around nervously and then back towards him.  “I don’t understand…what do you mean?”

“Dr. Evans…”  He pauses as he clears his throat and looks down to the ground for a moment.  “Are you aware of Ms. Kimberly…”  I don’t even let him finish before I cut in.

“Yes, I know who she is.”  I want to breath a sigh of relief because I was beginning to think it was something more serious.

“You do…okay good.  Do you know of anything going on?”

“As in?”

“Um….”  He starts to do a nervous laugh and looks around before leaning closer to me.  “Are you aware that she is pregnant and her claim is that John is the father.”  His face looks so tense that he is almost afraid to see how I am going to react.

“It’s okay…I know.  I’ve heard.”

“You have?”  He looks surprised.

“Yes”  I brush it off and look around him to see if anyone is walking by.

“How?”

“She contacted me personally to tell me about it.”

“I see.”  He looks pained.  “Does this affect your judgement in the case?”

“Why would it?  This has nothing to do with Basic Black.”  I say very seriously.

“So we’re good?”

“We’re fine.”  I reach out and touch his arm as a way to get him to relax.  “Besides, I might have some information for you that you may want to take action with.  If, of course, it does affect your case.”  He looks confused but he nods.

We hear the bustle of other people walking behind him and large voices as we both look in that direction.  We see John walking nonchalantly in his dark suit, dark tie and polished dark shoes.   He looks more handsome than I’ve ever seen him in a long time.  Behind him is his small team of lawyers carrying their briefcases and folders while another group of lawyers follow close behind.

John walks up to us as he exchanges handshakes with his lawyer and then simply nods to me as he says my name.  Wow…we really are bringing in the tension.  I simply lift my eyebrows as a form of a silent hello and then turn slightly to play with the ends of my hair.

“Look, I need to ask you both here….are we going to have an issue with this paternity case?”  I feel as if we are two kids being scolded by a teacher as he looks at us both.

“No issue…not even a case.”  John is quick as he places his hands into his pockets and straightens his back, standing tall.

“This is the first I am hearing of this John…this could play a crucial part in the case.”

“Like I said…there is no case here.”  His attorney stares at him and then looks to me as if he is waiting for my answer.

“I’ve told you earlier…it’s fine.  Any feelings regarding this is truly personal and nothing else.”  John’s eyes meet mine as we both stare at one another before I turn my eyes away.

“That worries me Dr. Evans…we can’t have anything impact your judgement.”

“No worries…it won’t.”

“Are we…”

I stop him.  “We’re not together.  May I remind you that we are divorced….any choices Mr. Black decides to make is of his own free will and does not impact me whatsoever.”

“I’m sorry…I was under the impression that you both were working things out.”

I smile and shake my head.  “What or who gave you that idea?”  I sound bitchy…perhaps the idea of Kim does that to me.

“I did.”  John says quietly as he looks to me and then to his lawyer.  “Not an issue anymore partner…We’re good here.  Let’s get this day going.”

John turns towards the courtroom as his attorney looks to me with a somewhat apologetic face.    “Shall we?”

“Yes.”  As I walk ahead of him, Kim comes across the other direction and we meet near the door as she smiles and looks at me while I glance at her.

“Marlena…how are you?”

“Good.  And yourself?”

“Never better.”  She winks towards me and I smirk before turning towards the doors and heading inside the courtroom.

The hearing had lasted a lot longer than I expected considering it was supposed to be a light load today.  With 4 hours draining our moods by being locked in a solid ill colored court room, any normal light was greatly needed.  We had been warned previously but it’s always unexpected when you walk out of a room into a full throttle of cameras, shouts and journalists.

I tried to make my way through the crowd with John’s attorneys covering me and clearing a path but any movement was almost impossible.  When we cleared the first crowd, we made our way near security where I can see another crowd of cameras waiting outside.  I sighed and followed my team as we reached the doors when Kim came alongside of me and smiled.

“Are you thrilled about the new addition?”  She’s baiting me and I am not appreciating it…especially because she is trying to get the media attention.  I ignore her and put my head down as I try to move around her but she stops me again.  “Were you surprised or did you know about it?”

“Kim, I don’t have time for this.”  I say as a very matter of factly.

“Of course you must have at least one minute, don’t you?”  She appears to be asking kindly but I know exactly what she is trying to do.  Why must women be so vindictive.

“Unfortunately, I do not.”  I stare into her face as she smiles and is kindly nudged back by her lawyers.  My team steps in and tries to clear a path between her and I as they begin opening doors for me to pass through.  When we step outside, a swarm of people come rushing up to us and literally blanket us with microphones, cameras, and protestors.  I put on my sunglasses and dip my head down as I wait for my attorneys to guide the way.  We seem to be stuck dead center in a group of people and there is no where to turn and run.

With endless questions being asked and with microphones practically shoved in front of me, I want to scream and simply run from it all, but I can’t even so much as take one step forward.  I hear the bustle of more questions but they suddenly aren’t the topics that were just being asked seconds ago.  I look up to see Kim next to me as she puts on this devastated face and announces that she is carrying John’s baby.  The crowd begins to go crazy as cameras begin to flash and people shove harder to get a glimpse of the new woman in John’s life.

“How does this affect you Dr. Evans?”  I ignore the questions and look around as I try to find a path.  My attorneys are struggling to move people but we are getting nowhere.  “How does your son feel about the news of having another sibling on the way?”  That question infuriates me but I need to keep calm and ignore all of the questions…I can’t show them any side of me.  “Is Damian excited?”  I want to scream at the man for so much as uttering my child’s name out of his mouth.

When I look to my right, Kim is standing next to me as we both look at one another awkwardly and then flashes begin to happen all around us.  We’re giving them a show when I rather we didn’t.

“It’s over between you and him…don’t look so cross.”  I want to slap her….she is doing this on purpose and the journalists are going crazy.   “I guess you never won him back…it was me he came to at night.”

I don’t even know what to say….I refuse to get into it with her right here and right now.   I shake my head and smile in disbelief as I shake my head.  I hear the crowd grow louder and feel someone’s hands on my shoulders as they move me away from her.

“Knock it off and get out of here Kim.”  His voice….that deep voice.  All I see are bright flashes and then I hear him shouting at his attorneys.  “Move these people out the way and let’s go…what are we waiting for?”  He’s upset…you can tell.

I feel his large powerful hand take mine as he pulls me close to him and starts to push the people out the way with me trailing behind him.   It takes a bit but when we finally get to the curb, a towncar is waiting and John quickly opens the door and rushes me before jumping in after me and shutting the door quickly.

“Go.”

The car begins to move as I sit quietly and take deep breaths.  We don’t say anything, I only turn and stare out the window.  When the car keeps turning and maneuvering down streets I am not sure of, I turn to look at him in confusion.  “Where are we going?”

“To the townhome.”

“This isn’t the route.”  His face is stiff as he finally turns to me.

“Not my townhome.”

“What?”  I am so utterly confused that I remove my sunglasses and rub my temples from the ache that is building.  “I don’t understand.  What townhome?”

“My attorney’s townhome.”

“Why are we going there?”  I figure we must have a meeting there after the case.

“We can’t go back to my house nor can we go to yours.  The camera crews have camped out at each location so we can’t stay there.”

“Until when?”

He removes his glasses and makes eye contact with me.  “Until this is all over.”

Sighing, I look out the window as I watch trees fly by.  “Where is your attorney?”

“At his home.”  I shake my head and look to him as he folds his hands in his lap.  “He rented this townhome just in case something like this would happen….he was right.”

“So we’re staying there for who knows how long?”

“Yep.”  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone as he scrolls through messages.

“And Damian?”

“He’ll be dropped off later this evening once we get settled and the crowd dies down.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if I just go home with Damian?”

“As I said, there are camera crews there.  If you don’t mind fighting with them day in and day out, struggling to get to your driveway with cameras in your face…be my guest.”  He hits a message and begins typing as he speaks to me.  “I don’t want my son involved in that though.”

“Well….I don’t want that for him either.”

“Then the townhome it is.”

“And our things?”

“Will be dropped off later.”

When we pull into a driveway, I don’t wait for the driver to jump out and open my door and I don’t wait for John to help me.  When the car comes to a stop, I open my door and look up as I see this very large dark brick townhome with tall bay windows.  Closing my door, I walk slowly towards the cement steps and climb them until I reach the double dark glass doors.  Turning towards John, I wait until he finishes talking to his driver and then joins me on the steps.  Taking out a key in his pocket, he opens the door and allows me to walk in first.

The corridor is huge and somewhat dark with beige walls, dark wood trim, black metal railings with dark wood rails.  The flooring is also dark wood, the lighting is low but the large mirror in the hallway gives off nice light from the sun beaming through the windows of the doors.   To my left is a small formal living room with dark furniture, oversize windows and long rich color curtains.

I walk slowly down the hall and notice a bathroom on my right hand side.  Marble counter top, glass sink, oversized mirror…..this townhome is quite lavish.  Heading towards the back is a large open kitchen with dark cabinets and modern stainless steel appliances.  The countertops are also dark marble and an expansive island curves in the middle of the room with 4 large chairs in front.  Across the other side of the room is what I assume the seating room.  Dark leather couches line the perimeter with a much too large TV mounted on the wall.  Below that is a fireplace, with what appears to be shiny black gravel….no logs…no iron…just gravel.

“The flame comes up from the stones.”

“No…really?”  I turn to him and smile, trying to bring back some humor to our situation.  He smiles and walks towards the kitchen, opening the fridge.

“Thirsty?”

“Yeah…water is fine.”  Continuing my tour, I glance at all the nice artwork on the walls and vases lining the corner tables with beautiful tall lamps.  Recessed lighting also curves around the room and kitchen.

When he hands me the water, I thank him and walk away towards the stairway in the front of the home.  Climbing them, I reach the top landing and walk to my right.  An office with an executive looking desk and modern computer equipment.  What did this guy do…furnish the hell out of this place for John’s sake?

Heading the opposite way, there is a room to the left that has a small twin size bed and a small TV on a dresser.  Nothing special but still a cozy size room.  The middle door is another large bathroom with a huge tub and a separate marble shower next to it.  Walking to my right is a small hallway that leads to two dark double doors.  Pulling down the handle, I walk in the room and see this massive expansive bed with an oversize leather headboard that has dark wood framing it.  The bed is fluffy with a variety of decorative pillows and way too many regular pillows.  The comforter is a mixture of solid black, white and gray coloring.

Each nightstand and lamp was perfectly chosen to match the flow of this room.  Another large TV frames the wall opposite of the bed with a dresser sitting in the corner of the room near the lavish french doors that lead to a balcony.  The windows in each corner of the wall are practically ceiling to floor length.  The room also houses a private spacious master bathroom and a gorgeous walk in closet.

When I head downstairs, I can’t seem to find John.  I call out to him but when I hear nothing, I walk to the french doors in the seating area and look outside in the small backyard….or if that’s what it even is.  It has a small deck with some seating there as well.

“John?”

“Downstairs in the basement.”

“It has a basement?”  Shocked, I look for the door that leads to the basement.  Slowly heading down, I see John as he looks around the small area.  It’s unfurnished but I don’t think many really hang out in basements to begin with.

“The washing machine and dryer are in the room across from the bathroom on the main floor.”

“Okay.”  I nod and look around before shrugging.  “Nice.”

“Yeah not too bad.”

“Oh, um…there are only two bedrooms.”  I don’t really want to talk about this but I rather do it now then deal with the awkwardness later tonight.

“Yeah it’s a smaller unit then mine.”

“Is it….I can’t tell.”  I look around and then back at him.  “How do you want to handle the sleeping arrangements?  I can sleep with Damian and you can have the main bedroom.”

“Isn’t there a twin size bed in there?”

“There is.”  I nod.

“No, that’s torture.   You can have the main bedroom.  I’ll take the couch.”

“That’s silly.  I’ll sleep with Damian.”  Before he can even argue with me…I head up the stairs and to the kitchen.

By 7pm, Damian has been dropped off by Sami, in my arms and sound asleep.  Sami mentioned that he skipped his nap today and 10 minutes into the car ride, he was completely out.   It was good to see her for a second, it was almost like a breath of fresh air to have her around.  She walked in awe around the townhome before explaining about Damian’s day.

‘He most likely is going to be out for the night Mom.’

‘That’s fine…gives me more time to unpack our things.’  I laugh as she looks around the rooms.

‘Are you okay?  I mean I know this is all crazy.’

‘I’m holding up…don’t you worry about me.  We’ll be fine.  You just worry about taking care of my little one….which by the way, thank you so very much.’

‘Don’t thank me….’  She smiled so beautifully before she kissed my cheek and explained that she had to run.

Carrying my child into his room, I laid him gently on the bed and made sure that he was not disturbed by the shift from my arms.  Removing his shoes and clothing, I quietly dressed him in his pajamas before pulling the blankets back and settling him against the soft pillows and comforter.  Placing his favorite toy near him, I kissed his head and whispered that I loved him.  Reaching over to turn on his night light, I placed one last kiss before walking out the room and leaving the door open.

Going towards the main bedroom, I start hanging up my clothing in the main closet while folding other items and placing them in drawers.  “Hey.”  I literally jump up and yelp as I turn around quickly and see John standing there.  “Sorry….I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Oh my Gosh…”  I’m breathing heavily as my heart pounds from the unexpected to visit.

“I was thinking….I want you to have the bedroom.”

“John, stop…no.  I’m sleeping with Damian.”

“No, I want you in here.  We’re not going to debate about this anymore.  You’re sleeping in here and that’s the end of this discussion.”  He walks out before I can even say anything else and leaves me alone with my things.

We didn’t discuss anything else that night.  He fell asleep on the couch downstairs as he intended to and I slept alone in the king size bed, both doors open just in case Damian comes looking for me and crying from the foreign place he is in.

The next morning was somewhat odd.  Damian woke up crying as expected and I was dealing with a very needy toddler as John tried to gather his things for a meeting with attorneys.   He left us without so much as an explanation and only kissed Damian when he walked out.

I had work to do but I knew that going to the office would be a struggle as the news teams knew where I had worked and I didn’t want to deal with that chaos.   I guess I could work from here…or at least attempt to if Damian ever releases me.

The sudden thought about Kim’s file has me wondering if I should contact John’s law firm today.  I really wanted to talk to John about this first but clearly…we haven’t been on the same page lately.  Perhaps I will try to tell him tonight.

By the afternoon, Damian has somewhat taken comfort to the place and begins playing with his toys and watching his movies.  He will still look back to check on me from time to time, I guess just to make sure I am still around.  By nap time, he fights me.  Its an endless battle as he cries and screams, holding onto my shirt for deal life when I try to lay him down.  “Damian, I refuse for you to go another day without a nap.”

“No Mommy…peaaaassss.”  He cries and cries as those big tears fall down his face.  “Peas no nap.”

“Damian Michael…relax your little self please.”

“No.”  He begins to cry harder that he starts choking on his tears.  I give in to his pleas and let him down off my lap as slides down on my legs and cries.  He is in a ball on the floor before he lifts up and slams his head into my lap and cries against my jeans.  I know he is tired, I can hear it in his voice and see it in his actions.  I reach down and pull him back up to me where he wraps his legs and arms around me.  Holding him close, I rock us both on the couch until his cries start to die down.

Twenty minutes later, I have him completely sound asleep and on the couch with a blanket over him.  I’m absolutely drained but I kind of want to get up and start dinner.  I slowly get up off the couch and leave the TV on so that there is some kind of sound going on other than pots and pans banging.

I put myself to work and start chopping up vegetables and meats while placing them into separate pans.  I have no idea what I am doing but it appears to be going wonderfully.  Who knew.

I hear the front door close and I glance towards the hallway for a second before turning my attention to the stove.

“Is that food I smell?”  I smile and keep stirring as John places down his briefcase and stares in my direction.

“It is.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I know…I like to shock the world sometimes.”

“Mission accomplished.”  I turn to see him hover over the couch and bend to kiss our son.  He rubs his head gently and leans down to kiss him once more before standing up and heading over towards me.  “Let’s see what the chef is cooking?”  He sees the meal and makes a face, smiling.  “I’m impressed Dr. Evans.”

“You should hold your compliments until you actually consume your meal.”

“Good point.”  He turns away and goes to the fridge, looking for something in particular to drink.  “How was you day?”

“Okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah.”

“I see.”

“How did you sleep?”  He closes the door and opens up a bottle of beer.

“Okay.”  He walks away and says nothing more.

After a successful dinner, and the kitchen has long been cleaned…I manage to get Damian a bath and in bed as we read his favorite book.  He plays with my hair as I read to him, holding me close while laying his head on my chest.  He tells me he loves me and I hold him closer as I tell him that I love him so much more.

I expected a full blown breakdown but he actually closes his eyes and cuddles into his bed.  “Mommy…you be tose?”

“Yes babiest…I will be right down the hall.”  I kiss his face and nuzzle his cheek.  “Close those beautiful eyes for Mommy.”

When I stand up, I see John in the doorway as he is holding his usual glass of scotch.  I’m guessing he wants to give his goodnight kisses to Damian as well.  I walk past him and leave him alone in the room with our son as I head to the bedroom to undress.

Slipping into my long beige nightgown, I throw on my matching robe and put my clothes into the hamper.  Grabbing some lotion from the bathroom, I begin massaging them into my hands and walking into the bedroom to pull back the sheets.

There is a knock on the door when I turn and see John in the doorway.

“Hey there, something wrong?”

“No….I just wanted to ask you something.”

“Oh…what is it?”  I’m curious so I sit at the edge of the bed and wait for him to continue.

He takes a sip of his drink and grits his teeth when he swallows the liquid quickly.  “What the hell is babiest?”  He starts to laugh and I stare at him for a second before I join him in his humor.

“I don’t know…I meant to say baby and I don’t know what the hell happened.”  I continue rubbing my hands as I laugh and he smiles, nodding.  “Why are you even listening to my conversations?”

“Hey, I walked up to the door to wait my turn and heard you say the word…I wasn’t being nosey.”

“Hmm, I see.”

“Okay…well…I’ll let you be.  Goodnight.”

“Night.”  I crawl into bed and simply lay there….thinking about the day and about how I plan to tell John.  Damn, I still need to do that.  Should I do that now?

Deciding to wait, I lean over and flip the switch on the light, adjusting myself into the bed.  It takes only but a few minutes until I am completely out…and dead to the world.  I feel completely at peace when I feel the bed shift beneath me and I suddenly awake and find John at the other side of the bed.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to bed.”  He is quiet as he crawls under the sheets, dressed only in his boxers.

“I thought you wanted to sleep on the couch.”

“Do you want me to go back to the couch?”

“No…no…it’s fine.”

I try to lay back and get comfortable but my heart beats heavily with every turn he makes in bed.  Eventually I give back in to sleep and cuddle into the pillows when he turns towards me and places his arm around me.  My body tenses and my eyes slowly open as I feel him cuddling near me.

His hand slowly begins to move across my belly and up my body as he pulls me closer to him while he buries his face into my neck and moans quietly.

“John?”

“Shhh…..just lay still.”

His fingers begin to play with the hem of the fabric covering my breast as he pulls softly on it, allowing my breast to fall from it place.  My breath hitches in my throat as his mouth opens and closes against my skin and his hand now moves slowly down my body until he begins pulling the material up.

I close my eyes in want when I feel him touching places I’ve been craving for weeks.  I reach back and pull him closer as he bites at my skin and slowly turns me over onto my back.

“I need you.”

“John…I thought you…”

“Shh…”  He kisses me deeply before pulling away.  “I love you.”

He lifts the material of my gown above my hips and bunches it at my stomach as he spreads my legs apart.  Crawling between them, he lays against me and his mouth latches onto mine as I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.  His hands dip beneath me and rests along my backside as he squeezes hard and pulls me into his pelvic area.

“Make love to me….” I whisper against his lips before he bites them gently and bumps against me, causing me to moan.

“I plan to.”  He kisses me again.  “All night baby….”  Another kiss.  “All night.”

My eyes pop open and I gasp as I sit up in bed and look around the room.  It’s dark and the other side of the bed is completely empty.  I run my hands down my body and notice that my gown is still in tact and not a single soul has stepped into this room since I closed my eyes.

I turn to look at the time and notice I’ve been asleep for two hours.  It’s midnight.  Running my hands over my face, I sigh quietly and throw the covers back from my legs.

It’s time….I need to talk to John.  I need to tell him the truth about Kim.  I need to talk to him about us…I need us back.  I’ve waited long enough.

Crawling out of bed, I put on my robe, tying it loosely around my body and smoothing out my hair.  Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and try to relax before walking towards the hallway and heading out the bedroom doors.

XXXV.

I probably should have waited until the morning.  That’s all I kept telling myself the moment I walked down the stairs and headed over to him slowly, and for some reason, extremely nervously.  He was sleeping on the couch, still dressed in his clothes from earlier, minus the tie, jacket, and obviously shoes.  His empty glass simply sitting on the coffee table, traces of brown liquid stain the inside of the glass along the rim.

His face was peaceful, his breathing was slow and deep.  One hand rested along his chest as the other was pinned between his body and cushion of the couch.  His left leg was arched slightly against the back of the couch while the other rested straight out.   He is truly adorable when he sleeps….I’m almost disappointed to wake him.  He needs his sleep…I know he has a lot on his plate right now and he is doing his best not to show it.

With the trial coming underway, Kim’s pregnancy and our very unstable almost non-existent relationship….I’m sure it’s eating away at him.

There are very few things that I regret in life and me kneeling before him to nudge him awake is one of them.  His eyes open quickly as he stares around in confusion while lifting up a bit.  I shush him gently and place a gentle hand on his chest, telling him it was just me.

He asked what was wrong, I hesitated at first because I wasn’t really sure what to say.  I couldn’t very well have said nothing at all, because why would I be here waking him up if that was the case.

“I wanted to talk to you.”  I say almost too shy….I’m trying to avoid his hazy eyes.

“Now?”  He appears agitated as he throws his feet over the edge of the couch and sits up while I back away a little.  Placing his face into his hands, he sighs and rubs his skin gently before skimming his hands through his hair and then resting his hands against his knees.  “What’s up?”

“I think we really need to talk?”

“About what?”  He seems so unattached.

“About us.”  He smiles and shakes his head unbelievably.

“And you picked right now to do this?”  He glances at his watch.  “At 12:30.”  He laughs again and leans back against the couch.  “We’ve already talked.”

“No, we really haven’t.”

“Marlena, I’m not in the mood for a heart to heart conversation…I’m sorry.”

“John…please.”  I’m sure I look as sad as I sound.  “I really need to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Because…”  I drop my head and swallow the lump that is building.  Damnit, I want to cry.  “Because I need to.  I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this.”

He makes a face and looks around the room.  “Like what?  Distant?”  He shrugs and slaps his hand gently on his lap.  “Seems to be working out just fine.”

I shake my head and feel hot tears pooling around the rim of my eyes.  “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”  His voice is stern.

“This…acting like this.”  I run my hands over this thighs as he tenses and breathes deeper.  He presses his lips together in a firm line and closes his eyes.

“Oh, I don’t see anything wrong here.  After all, this is exactly how you behave.”  His voice is tense and he pushes my hands away as he shifts his legs. I look up with slow tears falling down my face.  “You don’t appreciate it much, do you?”

“So is this what we are doing?  Tit for tat?”

“No, I’m not into games anymore.”  He leans over to grab his phone off the coffee table and starts scrolling through the screen.  Somehow I find the urge to reach for his phone and pull it from his hands, placing it back on the table.   I try again and put a hand on his leg but he moves so that my hand falls away.  Why is he so against me touching him.

“I want your full attention.”

“Then speak.”

“I am speaking.”  I raise my voice a little and then stop, breathing slowly to contain myself.  “I want to know the truth.”

“Truth About what?”

“About us….about why you really don’t want to do this anymore.”

He smirks, a smirk I don’t think I have ever saw him do before.   “Marlena….we just don’t have that spark anymore.”  He stops and clears his throat.  “I thought we did.  Hell…I tried to make myself believe that was not the case and I fought to have us back.”  He pauses and looks towards the patio doors.  “I was wrong.”

“That’s not true John….that’s a lie.”  I am clinging to hope that he is simply saying these things because he is bitter.  I try to lean over his lap and run my hands on his arms and to his chest but he flinches and uses his hands to push me away gently.

“No it’s not.”  He looks to me and after I have sat back on my heels, he leans forward while staring into my eyes.  “The only thing that connects us is sex…and let’s face it…we can have that with anyone.  Sex isn’t good enough.  Not anymore.”  His tone is so ugly that I cringe when he says those last words.

“You don’t want me anymore?”  My voice is pitiful…I sound like a child with a crackly voice and sniffles.

“Marlena….”  He gets up quickly and starts slowly pacing the room.  “Go to bed….I don’t want to do this.”

“John, tell me the truth.”  I’m begging, I still haven’t got up from the floor.

“Please, just go.”  He is now staring out the window, his back to me.  “Just let me go…..it’s over for us.”  He never turns to look at me and I close my eyes and drop my head, allowing the tears to fall freely.

“I can’t do that….I won’t do that.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“Why not?”

“Because maybe….just maybe…that child very well could be mine.”

“Now it’s yours….before you were so adamant that it was not.”

“I still am…but I can’t afford to hurt you or this family anymore.  I’m just doing what I need to do and that’s letting you go.”

“None of that matters.”  I sniffle and finally stand up, walking slowly towards him.

“Yes it does…and maybe not tomorrow or the week after will it matter….but down the road, you won’t ever let me forget it.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”  I reach to him and try to turn him around.  When he does, I throw my arms around his neck and pull him close to me, desperate for him to hug me back.  Our lips touch in the exchange and we both freeze, neither moving our mouths.  I take the initiative and begin to open my mouth against his.  What seems like forever only lasts a few seconds.  I have my hands against the back of his neck as I pull him to my mouth.  His hands are pressed at his side, not attempting to hold me.

My tongue darts out and like a kitten to a bowl, I lick his lips lovingly with hope he will respond.  He groans against my mouth and I feel his hands moving to my side, holding me tight.  I’m afraid that if I move my hands from his neck and down his chest, it could break the connection.  I decide to move one down his chest to his stomach but his hand reaches out to stop me.  Quickly, I feel our bodies and mouths break apart as he holds me away from him and breathes heavily.

“Stop it Marlena….just stop.  I’m done doing this with you.  I don’t want you.”

“John…”  I’m shocked…did he really just say that?

“Just don’t do this…don’t cover up this problem with sex.”

“I’m not…I just want you to trust me.”

He shakes his head and turns from me, staring out the window again.  “I’m sorry…I can’t.”  My heart falls when he says that.  “I thought I could, but I find myself doubting every word you say and I can’t go on like this.”

“What?”

“I just can’t.”  He turns to walk away but I reach out and grab him.

“Why are you doubting me?  What have I done to you?”

“You hurt me in more ways than I could even explain.  You’ve damaged me Marlena….”

I’m literally floored, I don’t even know what to say.   “What?”

“You’ve doubted me, you’ve bruised every single part of my soul and I just can’t take it anymore.”  He looks sad when he says this.  “I’m tired of fighting for your love…no one should ever have to do that.  No one should ever have to run so much from chasing after someone.  It’s not worth it.”

My tears are falling…I don’t think I can stop them if I tried.   “That’s not true John…how could you say that?”

He shakes his head and closes his eyes as he places his hands into his pockets.  “We’re no good together, not anymore.  I don’t know if we ever were.”

“John?”

“All my life, I’ve been chasing after you.  I’ve always put you first.  Yes, we had good times but when things got rough, I was always taking the hits.”  He swallows hard.  “I won’t do that anymore.”

“I can’t hear this.  This is all bullshit.”  My tears blind me as I turn away and head for the staircase.  I feel miserable….how could he think so little of me.  Have I really caused him that much pain and damage.

“Marlena…”  He growls as he storms after me but I choose to ignore him.   How could he think that way?  Was all of our past life simply a fantasy then?

“Leave me alone.”  I start to climb but he stops me when he catches me up on the stairs and pulls my wrist.  “Stop…what can you possibly have left to say?”

“I didn’t want us to end this way.”  I cry a bit harder and shake my head.

“Well congratulations…we’ve reached a whole new level.”  I pull my wrist away and start to climb.  “We’ll be gone in the morning.  That clearly is what you want.”  I don’t wait for him to speak, I only hurry up the stairs and down the hall before shutting the bedroom doors.

Somewhere around 3am, I hear the bedroom door open and I assume it must be Damian.  I lift my head and try to focus with swollen eyes but don’t really see or hear anyone.  Perhaps I didn’t close the door securely.  After placing my head back down, I see a shadow near the bed and I turn only to see John standing there.  I sigh tiredly and close my eyes….I can’t do this right now.

“Marlena?”

“Just go.”

“I need to talk to you.”

“You’ve said more than enough downstairs.”

“Sweetheart, I need to apologize.”

“Don’t call me sweetheart.  I need you to just leave me alone.”  My voice is low..the last thing I want is to disturb our son down the hall.   “Please just go.”

“Doc…”  He sits down at the edge of the bed and looks at the shadows splaying across the bedroom floor.  “God knows I love you.”

“Stop it.”

“Let me finish.”

“No, I don’t want to hear anymore.”  I bury my face into the pillow with hopes that he will just leave.

“I’m sorry…what I said downstairs was wrong.”

“But it’s the truth…that’s how you feel.”  We both stay quiet as he fidgets at the end of the bed.

“I wanted to hurt you.”  I listen carefully as he breathes heavily.  “I wanted you to feel the pain I feel every time you did that to me.”   I should have known that was his game plan.  “My heart broke to see you cry that way and I will never forgive myself after watching you climb those stairs with that face.”

“Let’s face it…You don’t want me anymore…I got it.”

“It’s not that…we’re just no good together.  It’s for the best.”

“Yeah….”  Silence….dead silence falls upon us and neither of us dare say a single word.  All sound that is left in the room is our breathing and maybe a sniffle or two…mine.

“I’ll let you sleep.  Goodnight.”  I don’t say a word…I let him go.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

By morning, I have some bags packed and ready to go by the front door.  I have a meeting this morning at work which I absolutely need to attend, so skipping that to move back home is out of the question.  But I plan to get everything in order once I return.

A driver collects some of my things and I grab Damian’s hand when we are heading out the front door.  John somberly walks towards the corridor as he notices the driver taking the bags and stops dead in his tracks.

“What’s all this?”

“Our things…say goodbye to Damian.”  Tugging on my fitted suit jacket, I make sure my clothes aren’t disheveled from carrying the bags downstairs.

“What?”  He drops his hands from his pockets and looks to me in confusion.   “What are you doing?”

“Please don’t do this in front of him.  Don’t make a scene.”  I tiredly beg him not to do this again.  I don’t have the energy.  “Damian, say bye bye to Daddy.  You will see him in a couple days.”  I bend forward slightly and pat my son’s behind to send him towards his father.

“Bye Daddy.”  Damian runs towards John and immediately is picked up by John.  “I go to Sami’s tome.”

“That’s great son.”  He kisses his head and smiles against his skin.  “I’m going to miss you.” He slowly lets him down as he looks up at me sadly.  “You’re heading out.”

I nod and grab Damian’s hand again.  “I am.  I’ll be back to collect the rest of the things later.”  I don’t wait for his answer…I only walk out with Damian in tow as we head towards the towncar.

“Bye Daddy.”  Damian waves and I turn to look to see John standing sadly at the steps of the townhome.  Lifting Damian, I put him in the car and slowly step into the car carefully while making sure my skirt has not risen up during the climb.  The door closes and I make sure Damian is buckled into his car seat before turning towards the dark tinted window.  I watch as John stands there, staring at the car as we pull off.

An hour and half later, I’m sitting in this horribly boring meeting.  I cannot believe they wanted me to attend this when it really has nothing to do with me nor is any of the information actually related to my business.  I sit quietly as I stare at the speaker while I anxiously bounce my crossed legs under the table.  I want to tap the pen against my folder but I fight the urge to do so.

By the time the meeting has ended, I am the first on my feet and towards the door when someone stops me to ask me a million and one questions.  I politely answer each one and of course, I suddenly become the last one out the door by the time the conversation ends.

As I walk in the hallway, I feel someone place their hand on my lower back behind me and I quickly turn in that direction as I come face to face with Samuel.

“Marlena…how are you?” Shit.

“Oh Samuel…I’m good.  And you?”

“Busy…”

I make a face as if I’m astonished by his revelation.  “That’s a good thing.”

“How’s work?”

“Uh, it’s been a bit hectic but that’s a good thing, I guess.”  I force a smile in this extremely awkward situation.

“It is.”  We grow silent and he begins to stare at me making me quite uncomfortable.  “Hey, I wanted to apologize about before.”

I wave my hand because I don’t really want to discuss it.  “Don’t mention it.”  I look at my watch and hum.  “I really need to run…it was nice seeing you again.”

“Before you leave…”  I start to walk off but stop as he steps forward towards me.  “I was wondering if I could maybe take you out to dinner.”

I stutter for a moment before smiling politely and shaking my head.  “I don’t think so…but thank you.”  I turn to walk away but he stops me by grabbing my hand.  I stop and look down at his hand and then at him as he moves his hand back.

“I’m sorry.”  I nod and he clears his throat.  “So maybe?”

I shake my head again and stand up straight.  “No, I’m sorry.”  I walk away as I hear him call my name.

“Are you still with him?”  I decide to ignore his question and head to my office.  I do not need another scene and I certainly don’t need his psychotic breakdown either.

Two hours later, I’m back in the townhome and scrambling around for any items that I have left behind.  Luckily. John is not home and I thank God for the small mercy he has granted me.  I asked the driver outside if he would be so kind to come pick me up in an hour but he claimed he would wait.  I felt bad but he insisted it was no issue.  So being concerned about not keeping him long, I literally dart back and forth between rooms as I collect what’s left of Damian’s toys before placing the bags near the steps.

I head to the bedroom once more to grab my makeup bag in the bathroom and then head toward the stairway.  As soon as I look up, I see John holding my bags as he stares at me worriedly.  I drop my shoulders and let out a tired sigh while dropping my eyes.

“Can we talk?”  His voice is almost a whisper.

“No, I think we’ve talked enough.”  I try to walk around him but he moves around me and carries our bags back towards the rooms.  “What do you think you are you doing?”

He doesn’t answer me, he only heads to Damian’s temporary room and puts his bags back.

“John.”  It comes out quite stern as I follow him into the room.  “Stop playing around, my driver is waiting for me outside.”

“He’s gone.”

“What?”

“I told him he was not needed.  I gave him his tip and sent him on his way.”

“What the hell is wrong with you John?”  He ignores me and steps around to head towards the master bedroom.  “This is ridiculous.”  I grab my phone and start dialing when John snatches it out of my hand and puts it into his pocket.

“Stop.  I don’t want you at the house.  It’s too dangerous and the camera crews are relentless.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well you’re not leaving.”

“Says you?”  I draw my lips in a tight line and then turn away.  “I’ll call from the house phone.”  I start to walk away but he steps in front of me and blocks the doorway.

“Can we please talk?”

“About what John?  There really is nothing more to say…you don’t want to be with me.  You can’t live with me.  You don’t trust me…you’re not attracted to me.  What’s left to say?”

He doesn’t say a thing, he only watches me.

“Just let me go…its better this way.”

“I just want to apologize about last night.”

“You already have…now please move.”

He puts his hands out and grabs my upper arms.  “I don’t think you should leave.  We can live civilly under one roof.”

“I don’t want to live with someone who can’t stand me.”

“That’s not the case.”

“Oh but it is.”  I pull his hands off me and step back.  “I tried to talk to you.  I tried to make things up to you…you pushed me away.  You clearly want nothing to do with me.”

“It’s not that.”

“I refuse to fight for someone who doesn’t want to be with me.”

His face is frozen as he looks me square in the eye.  “Now you know how it feels.”

“I never said I didn’t want to be with you.”

He nods and looks at his pocket that is now vibrating.  He reaches in and grabs it and just as he is about to look at it, he stops and hands it to me.

Surprised, I take it from him and glance at the caller ID.  I take the call and walk away from him, grateful for the intrusion.  After the call, I figure it might be best if I just leave the things behind and walk out the door.  He isn’t going to let me take anything as long as he is here.  Slowly, I head for the stairs and when I reach the door, I pull it open only for it to shut with his hand pressed against it.  I close my eyes and drop my gaze to the ground.

“Going somewhere?”  His voice is heavy and filled with passion as his body is extremely close to mine.

“I need to leave.”

“How are you going to get to where ever you are going?”  Damn…This argument has me so confused that I forgot about the driver.

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Look at me.”  I shake my head and stare at the dark wood glass door.  “Look at me Marlena.”

Slowly, I turn to him and finally glance up and into his blue eyes.  “Just let this go….clearly I’ve hurt you enough.”

“Prove to me that you still love me.”  His mouth is close to mine as he leans closer.  “Show me how much you still need me.”  I blink back tears and bite my lower lip.

“I thought you didn’t want sex.”

“I never said anything about sex Marlena.”  His lips move towards my ear and I quiver from the connection he makes.

“Then what are you doing?”

“I want you to prove to me that you love me.”  His teeth nip at my ear and I shut my eyes in anger.  Was he not fighting me that long ago about sex…what is he doing?

“John…”  I breathe and put my hands against his chest to nudge him back.  “You don’t want me anymore…stop doing this.”

He pulls back and looks at me.  “If that was the case, I would have let you walk out this door and never looked back.”

“I don’t want to have sex with you.”

“I don’t either.”  He whispers this near my lips.

“Then…what are you doing?”

“I want you to show me how much you love me, how much you will fight for me, and how you will never leave me.”

“What?”  I look up confused as he licks his lips.

“Tell me you want me.”

“John…I….”  I close my eyes because I can’t bear his stare.

“Tell me.”

“We can’t…”

“Tell me what you told me at my house…that night.”

“What?”

“I want to hear what you told me that night when I said I didn’t want to have sex.”  I stop and think back, swallowing quickly as I try to recall the words.  “Remember?”

I look up and see those eyes darken.  “I do.”

“Tell me…”

“I don’t want to have sex with you.”  I sigh and close my eyes.  “I want to make love to you.”  Those words fall from my mouth so quietly that I wonder if he heard them clearly.

“Open your eyes.”  I follow his command and notice how close he is to me.  “Tell me again but I want to see your eyes.”

“I don’t want to have sex with you.”  I pause as he places his other hand behind me on the door and is now leaning over me.

“No, what do you want to do then?”

“I….I want to make love to you.”  Almost as in slow motion, I watch as his mouth moves closer to mine and within moments, I close my eyes as I feel our mouths connect in a real kiss.  A kiss I had been craving for weeks now.  Our tongues meet as we deepen the kiss and I hear him moan slightly into my mouth.  His hand moves to my hair and he buries his fingers within my feathered strands as he pulls my mouth closer to his, if it’s even possible.

My fingers spread across his arms as I hold onto him while he holds my mouth to his.  He releases his other hand from the door and lowers it to my lower back while pulling me into a huge hug while we stay connected at the mouth.

It almost feels like a dream…it seems unreal.  His hand moves down my back and rests along my backside as he pulls me closer into his body while I groan against his lips.  When I feel him shift back an inch, I follow while moving my arms around his back.

We seem to connect on a level that we haven’t been able to get on since we first started this relationship.  I whimper against his mouth and I can tell he is smiling through the kiss.  He only pulls away to look at me before taking my mouth again in another sensual kiss.

I’m lost in this sexual haze and the feeling of his hands on me when I feel him stop and his lips part from my mine.  The musical chime plays throughout the house as we both stop and look at one another.  Closing my eyes, I sigh and pull back from him a bit.  I almost forgot…..

I look to John apologetically as I glance behind me towards the door.  “Doorbell.”

XXXVI.

I can’t believe how quickly I had forgotten.  I can’t believe that I could be so caught up in John, the idea of literally being under his spell that I couldn’t recall a conversation I had not even 15 minutes before.  It’s sad that he has that influence over me….that the minute he starts talking in that deep seductive voice, with those blazing dark eyes….I fall to him.  I lose complete control over myself and I am not sure if that is something to be happy about.

I’m weak when it comes to him and I don’t know if I ever will be myself again independently.  How we managed to be on our own during those years apart is beyond me.

That doorbell had been like a bucket of cold water over our heated flesh.  I truly believe if it hadn’t been for that interruption, we would have been upstairs with limbs intertwined.   Perhaps it was best that we were disrupted.

Sami had been at the front door holding a very active Damian.  I had completely forgotten that just  minutes before, I had told her to scoop me up from the townhome since John had told my driver to leave.  I’m sure she noticed my red swollen lips, or maybe my flushed face as she cleared her throat and dipped her head down.

She had asked if I needed help carrying anything to the car, reason being she was standing on my doorstep.  I had turned to John slowly, eying him sadly as he walked up towards me and stood near the front door.  Reaching out to Damian, he smiled and took him from Sami’s arms as she stared in confusion.

“No need Sami…but thank you.  They are staying here.”

She looked to me suspiciously and all I could do was shake my head embarrassingly and apologize.

“I’ll call you later.”  That’s all I could say….I couldn’t possibly say anymore than that.

“Mom?”

“It’s fine Sami…I’ll call you, okay.”  I put on a weak smile as she nodded hesitantly but nevertheless, put on a bright smile.

“Okay….then I will see you later.”  She grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly for a second only to release them and then walk towards John to kiss Damian goodbye.

“Bye Sam…”  Damian cheerfully waved as John bounced him a bit in his arms.

“Thank you for bringing him by Samantha.”

“No problem John.”  You can tell she was so unsure….hell, I don’t blame her.  If I got a phone call claiming that I needed to be picked up because John had lost his mind, only to stop by minutes later and noticed a very different ball game,  I too would be wondering a million different suspicions.

After she left, we had a very active 3 year old asking to do a million things and neither one of them consisted of a nap.  The Mommy and Daddy alone time that I am sure John was trying to convince our son of…was truly a lost cause.

Perhaps it was best that way….perhaps we were really jumping much too fast.  We hadn’t even had a solid conversation…something to put us back on track.  And I still needed to tell him about Kim.

Damian took up most of my time, he had me on my hands and knees as we played one of his new games that Belle had bought him.  He also wanted to tell me about his day which seemed to be endless.  The nap idea was such a far fetch but I don’t think John and I even cared at this point.  Whatever fuel was burning before had died down and we suddenly became involved with our son and only our son.

Dinner was early….much earlier than I expected.  Damain’s favorite meal had been ordered and he was thrilled to pieces as John carried the box into the kitchen.  Placing slices on his plate, I started cutting up small pieces as Damian waited anxiously at my side, jumping up and down as if he hadn’t eaten in days.

“Mommy…hurry.”  He laughed as he clasped onto my yoga pants and hugged my thigh.

“Damian, sweetie…be patient.  Mommy’s hurrying as much as she can.”  I smiled as I finished the last piece before walking over towards the sitting area in front of the TV.  Tonight would be a special treat for him…tonight he would be able to watch TV and eat.  Placing down his plate, he sat down and lifted his kiddy cup as he took a sip of his water.

“Tan I have tom juice peas?”  He looked up at me with those beautiful eyes and a small smile.

“Yes you may, but only after you have eaten a few pieces for me please.”  I kissed his head and he nodded, doing exactly as he was told.  When I was convinced he had eaten enough, a small cup of juice was placed in front of him.

I managed to eat down a slice of pizza….which was a great effort.  My appetite had still not returned, I assume it must be from all the stress these past few weeks.  John and Damian seemed to have an unbelievable appetite as most of the pizza was pretty much a distant memory.

Cleaning up the counter tops, I glanced at the clock on the microwave and noticed the time.  8:15pm.  Gosh, I was so very tired.  Damian appeared to still be very wide awake, playing with John’s iPhone while John was on the iPad, looking over emails.   I yawn and drop my head into my hands as my elbows rest along the countertop.  I could fall asleep right here and right now.

Blinking heavily, I decide to get my child ready for bed.  Bath, Pjs, Bedtime Story, and Bed.   Walking towards our child, I lean down and tell him it’s bath time.  Of course, he starts to whine and shakes his head.

“Damian Darling…no whining.  Come on…bath time.”

“Mommy…peas no.”

“Damian…”  I warn him as he looks up at me with a pout.  That pout breaks my heart but I cannot cave in.  If I do, I am going to bed before him.

“I’ll take care of him.  Come on son.”  John voices up as he closes the iPad and places it on the coffee table.  “You can take Daddy’s phone upstairs.”  He lifts him in his arms and looks to me apologetically.  “Get some rest….I’ll be upstairs.”

They leave me as I look back towards the stairway while I hear Damian fight with John about a bath.  All I can say at this moment is Thank God I am not the one dealing with that.

Crawling along the cool leather couch, I adjust my head on the throw pillow and reach for the control.  Flipping channels, I glance as endless shows pop on the screen until I am satisfied with a news program.  Placing down the control, I watch with heavy eyes as a TV anchor starts reporting sports news.  I’m completely lost and the battle to stay up is beyond over.

I feel a hand on my stomach as I startle awake looking around the room before looking up at John.  The lights are all dimmed and the kitchen lights are off.  The TV illuminates the room with a white glow while John lowers the volume.  “Tired?”

“I am.”  I rub my face tiredly as I try to sit up.  “What time is it?”

“Close to midnight.”

“Midnight?”  I am truly shocked….have I been out that long?

“Yeah…it’s late.”

“It took you this long to put Damian down?”  He smirks as he nods slightly.

“He’s been sleeping for about an hour but I had some work to do in the office.”

“I see.”  I stretch my legs across the couch before deciding to head up to bed.  “I’m going to go to bed.”

“Okay.”  He moves a bit as I throw my legs around him and over the edge of the couch.  I stretch my back out and breathe heavily while closing my eyes.  I feel his hand fall to my back as he starts making small circles along my middle back.  I open my eyes and look towards him, smiling weakly before standing up.

“Thanks.”

Our eyes meet and my stomach flips as he leans back against the couch, his legs apart as he eyes me up and down.

“No problem.”

“Goodnight.”  I am quick to walk off and head for the stairs.  Halfway up, I remember that I left my phone on the coffee table.  Heading back down, I quietly enter the room as I see John leaning back, his head arched along the couch with his hands rubbing his face and hair tiredly.  He looks up at me in surprise as I reach for my phone.

“I forgot this.”  I point to the coffee table as his eyes fall to the place I am pointing at.

He nods and smiles softly.  “God forbid we forget the phones.”  Laughing, I shrug my shoulders and grab it.  “Night.”  I turn to leave but I feel him grab my wrist and pull me back to him.  My body turns rapidly as I stumble over him while his other hand reaches up instantly and presses behind my neck, pulling me down to him.

“Not yet.”  His words are heavy as his mouth falls to mine while my eyes close from the connection.  We stay locked in the exchange for no more than what I assume is a minute.  His mouth moves slowly across mine with chaste kisses as he begins to pull me down next to him.  When I’m somewhat seated, he pulls me closer as he digs deeper, his tongue skimming along my lips.

I fall into his kiss as my hands shakily move across his back and pull him closer to me, hugging him to me.  I’m moaning softly with every kiss he gives and I think he responds to it by pulling my mouth even closer.

There is something different about this kiss this time around.  Earlier, it was desperate, hurried….simply a lust filled passion in that kiss.  This time its slow…its loving and its seducing.

He begins to lower me down along the couch gently as he lifts my legs onto the couch and opens one of them so that he rests comfortably along me.   He pulls the phone from my hand blindingly while placing it on the coffee table, never breaking our kiss.  His hand moves to my arms and slides down my arm before going back up my neck and to my face.  When he pulls away, he cradles my cheek and looks down into my eyes lovingly.

My breathing is heavy….my body is aching…and my legs are twitching.

“We’re no good together.”  He stares down at me as watches my reaction.  When I don’t answer because I am not sure how to, he leans his face down towards my neck and begins placing small kisses there.  I shut my eyes and moan quietly as my hands run up his back.  He stops and pecks the skin there as he mumbles my name.  “But, I don’t want you to leave either.”  I feel his lips open as he sucks in a small amount of flesh while seducing it with his tongue.

“John.”  My eyes are closed and my body is moving slowly beneath him, trying to find maximum amount of pressure that it needs.

“Are you going to leave me?”  He pulls away and searches for my eyes.  I have them closed and I am trying to keep my groans to a minimum by pressing my lips together tightly.  “Open your eyes.”

When I follow his command, I see him above me, staring at me….and I’m not sure how to answer him.  Does he want me to say yes?  Am I supposed to say no?  Should I speak the truth and tell him how I really feel?  Am I supposed to say that maybe it’s for the best that we part?  Should I tell him that I was only leaving to please him…because I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have?

“I don’t know.”  I am being honest…I truly don’t know.  I don’t know what we are doing?  If we make love…will this just be to satisfy an urge and will it go back to uneven grounds tomorrow?

“You don’t know if you are going to leave me?”  He looks confused.

“I’m not sure what you want from me.  I don’t know what you want me to do?”

“I want you to be honest with me.”  He moves his lower body against me and I close my eyes and stop myself from speaking.

“If you…”  I hesitate because his body is applying all the right pressure.  “If you want me gone….I’ll leave.”  I think that answer is safe…the ball is in his court now.

His movements stop and I hear him sigh above me as my eyes flutter open.  He looks as if he is struggling to find an answer…which is not very pleasing for me but at the same time…I can understand.  It was only yesterday that he was telling me I was pretty much dead in his eyes.

“I want you to prove to me that you are in this with me?”  He looks down as he lowers himself on me again.  “I don’t want this to be only about sex because if that’s all it will be, then we should just stop and end this right now.”  I’m listening, and I completely agree.  “I want you to show me Marlena that you still love me…that you still need me completely.”  I run my hand down his face as he speaks, listening carefully.  “I don’t want to be hurt anymore.”  I pause and look up into his blue eyes.  “I need someone to support me and be by my side….and I want that person to be you.”  I smile and my eyes tear up….I haven’t heard that heartfelt confession in a long time.

I lean up to take his mouth in a small kiss, one that still lingers even after our lips have parted.  I run my hand down his face, his neck and to his chest as I place another small kiss at the base of his throat.

“Will you do that for me?”  His voice is thick as I hear him struggling to breathe.

“I will….”  My lips fall to his collarbone as I nip gently.  “I will.”  I look up at him and take his mouth slowly as we move our lips together quietly, easily…and passionately.  His body presses against mine as I engulf him with my arms tightly around him, my fingers running through his short hair and tugging.

Neither of us are in a hurry to make a move…we simply enjoy this time and hold each other close…almost as if we are getting to know each other all over again.  I part my legs and allow him to nestle between them while crossing my ankles against the middle of his back.

We don’t speak, we only lightly moan.  We don’t bite, we only nip.  We don’t beg, we simply relax and let things run its course.  I don’t try to remove his clothing and neither does he as our hands remain on our bodies, roaming and caressing.

“Wait…wait…”  He pulls back and takes a deep breath, opening his eyes and looking around the room.

“What’s wrong?”  I run my hand to his face so that I can get his attention.  I am rewarded when his eyes fall to me and we stare at one another.

“I think we have a lot to cover before we even do this.”  He starts to pull away and kneels up while taking a deep breath and tugging his pants a bit, assuming the pressure has increased.    I sit up and pull my knees together, grabbing a throw pillow and covering my lap.

“Okay.”

“Damn…”  He smiles and sits down, staring at the TV.   “It’s hard to say no.”  He runs his hands over his lap and reaches for the remote control.  Clicking the TV off,  we sit in dim lighting as we quietly wait for one another to speak.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“A lot of things actually.”

I nod and bite my lip lightly.  “And you want to do this now?  At midnight?”

“Does it make a difference?  If we had sex, we’d still be up and probably for hours…so it’s all the same.”

I start to laugh as he looks along smiling.  “I do want to cover some serious topics though.”

“Okay…I’m all ears.”

“Okay.”  He turns to me and places an arm over the top of the couch.  “I guess my first important question is….why did you change your mind?  Why did you want to stay involved with me after finding out about Kim and the baby?”

What a way to dive into a serious topic.  “I don’t know.”  I turn my head and try to avoid his eyes…Am I ready to tell him the truth?  “I know we have been through a lot as a couple and we have faced many different challenges.  Unfortunately, another baby scenario is one of them and I am not proud to admit we’ve been through this, but we have.”  I turn to look at his face and quietly whisper my confession.  “I was a fool to continue to stay involved then, but I did…because I loved you.  Nothing has changed.”

“I know I’ve hurt you before…God knows I never wanted to.”  His face is saddened, his voice is weak.

“Sadly, I think we’ve cornered the market with disappointing each other.”

“So even if this baby is mine, you want to still be at my side, supporting me?”  That’s a tough question considering had I not known the information I do now, it would be a definite Hell No.

“If I didn’t leave with JT, why would I leave now?”

“Because JT turned out not to be mine.”

“Doesn’t matter.  We didn’t know that for months when we were going through it.”  I reach over and grab his hand. “I need to do what is best for my family, for our son.  He needs his father completely, now more than ever.”

He looks almost to shy to speak.  “And what about you?  Are you only doing this for our children?  Not yourself?”

“If I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking with you, trying to make things work.”

“So is that a yes?  You’re doing this because you want to?”

“Yes, I am.”

“What about in the case I lose the trial…and I am off to prison, for life…then what?”

“Then we will cross that bridge if we ever come to it…I am focused on only now.”  I squeeze his hand and make sure he looks at my face.  “The present is what matters to me.  Nothing more.”

“I don’t know if I can give you that fulfillment Marlena.”

“You can…you do almost everyday just by being here.”  He looks spaced out as he stares at the fireplace in front of us.   We’re pretty silent and it gets to a point where it’s almost uncomfortable.

“I don’t like you with other men.”  I’m kind of thrown off and I look towards him as if he has suddenly grown two heads.  “That’s why I act the way I do.  It kills me to know that another man is watching you the way I do. ”  He looks to me with an apologetic face.  “I’m a man…so I know what thoughts are going through their mind…and it drives me insane.”

“John…”

“No..”  He shakes his head in hopes that I let him continue.  I do.  “For years we were apart and I pretended that I could care less.  But I knew you were seeing someone…and I wondered often what you were doing with him.”

“How did you know I was seeing someone?”  He eyes me as if I am seriously joking him at this moment.

“Are you really asking that question?”

“Were you spying on me?”  I’m almost appalled because I never thought John would go as far as that after our divorce.

“Not entirely no.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means we have a very chatty child.”  He laughs while trying to avoid my slap.   “Truthfully though, Damian used to tell me about your special friend.”

“This is ridiculous…you most likely asked him for that information.”

“I may have.”  His face is playful as he smirks and winks his eye at me.   “In all honesty, I didn’t like to hear that but I couldn’t stop wondering.”

“Even though you had someone else.”

“Yes, even though I was seeing someone else.”

“So…you want me to avoid all contact with men…is that it?  Because it makes you uncomfortable?”

“No…I just don’t like to share you.  I’m a jealous man when it comes to you.  I know I can’t possess you but I don’t want to anyone else eying you either.”

“John…not everyone sees me the way you do.  Not everyone is attracted to me.”

“But most are.”

“I can’t help that.”

“I know…”  He drops his head and clears his throat.  “I will do my best to be understanding but I’ve always been that way…that won’t change.”

“Well try to control yourself.  If I’m involved with you…then that’s it.  There is no more room for anyone else.  I don’t want anyone else.”  I try to get his attention by touching his arm.  “When will you realize that no one will ever come close to you…no one can touch you.  When will you realize that when I am with you, I don’t need anyone else to fill any gap or desire.”  I grab his hand and pull it to me.  “It’s just me and you….that’s it.”

His eyes light up and his face softens….I assume he needed to hear that.  “I just can’t take anymore pain Marlena…I can’t handle another disappointment.”

“Life is all about disappointments John.  But it’s always better when you have someone at your side to help you through it.”  I kiss his hand again.  “I hope you will understand that I am that person.”

“You mean that?”  He leans close to me as his face skims my cheek.

“I do.”  I say quietly as I squirm from his open mouth kiss along my ear.

“You won’t hurt me?”

I pull back to look at him and hold his face.  “I can’t promise you that I won’t disappoint you at times, but I promise to be there and love you…regardless of what happens.”

“Marlena….I want you to prove to me that you love me.  It’s going to take time but I really need you to show me.”

“You don’t trust me?”  I’m kind of hurt but I understand where is coming from.

“I take everything with a grain of salt these days.”

“I understand.”  I pull his face to mine.  “I do love you…that’s all that should matter right now.”  I press my lips to his in a tiny kiss and we back away after a second.  He goes back in and take another swipe at my lips, this time a little longer before he pulls away.  We stare at each other for a few moments before he moves in, this time parting his lips and swallowing mine.

We ease back again and fall to the couch.  Still holding his face, I kiss him intensely as he parts my legs and falls against me.  I manage to mumble against his mouth as my hands press against his face.  “I need to tell you something.”

“Shh…”  He pulls back and runs a hand down my face until it plants against the area between my neck and collarbone.  “Tell me later.”  He leans back down and kisses my mouth hard as I moan against his lips.

“But you need to know this.”  I bite his lips softly as he begins to grind his hips against mine.

“It can wait.”  He places a soft peck on my lip before pulling up, and removing his shirt, throwing it on the floor.  “Right now, all I want is this moment.”  He closes the gap between us and takes my mouth in a gentle kiss while I allow his hands to run along my body.

I meet his movements as he tries to lift up my T-shirt and then my cami.   I lean up to kiss his neck as he removes my shirt and tosses it on the floor with his.

“All I want is right now…right here…with you.”  He bites my neck and then pulls away to look at me.  “Nothing else matters.”  Running his hand down my hair and to my face…he smiles shyly.

The light beeping of a phone sounds off on the coffee table as we both look and notice John’s phone ringing.  I sigh and look back at him, expecting him to pull away and take the call.  When our eyes meet, his face is soft as he takes my lips in a small kiss.  “Your phone?”

“Shh…”  He deepens the kiss with his tongue as I moan against his lips.  “Nothing matters.”  He nips gently before reaching for my waistband of my pants.  His eyes darken as he licks his lips.  “Nothing.” \

XXXVII.

Why does nothing ever go well with us?  N0thing will ever go as we have planned….I’m not exactly sure if that is a good thing or not.  I  choose to believe perhaps it is a good thing considering we had stopped ourselves from going any further during our partial undressing.   Well, it was him that stopped….I had tried to pursue it but he pulled away from me.  It’s funny because for the first time, with the exception of John’s phone ringing, we really had no interruptions which is a first for us.   I had expected to hear my child’s cry or maybe even a doorbell but nothing…it was pure silence.

I remember being so utterly confused as I watched him pull away and peck my nose before leaning up to take a deep breath, rubbing his face tiredly.    I sat up slowly and tried to run my hands down his abs but he pulled back and grabbed my hands, smiling and telling me to stop.  He had said that this was not right….this is not how he wanted this to be.

My heart dropped…..was he no longer attracted?  Did he no longer want me in that department?  Does this have anything to do with me?

He said it wasn’t me….that this had nothing to do with me.  It was his personal choice.  I wasn’t buying it, I was upset.  Bitterly, I slipped my top back on as smoothed it down my torso while smoothing my hair neatly back and pushing the stray strands away from my face.  I truly wanted to walk away in shame, I was embarrassed.  This had never happened before….we had never gotten that far with John, of all people, to actually stop.

I was ready for bed, there was really nothing more to say about the situation but he had stopped me.  He had grabbed my hand and kept me on the couch, locking our fingers together.  He had explained that he felt this was appropriate.  He didn’t want to fall back into the routine of sex and anger then sex again.   ‘I’m tired of sex’  I had stopped in shock…could this be the same man I’ve known most of my life.  “I just don’t want to have sex anymore…I want more then that.  I want us to get back to square one…I want to have meaning.’

I listening intently as he discussed his wishes….his hopes that we could become more then two sexually drawn individuals.  He wanted to fall in love all over again…he not only wanted my body…he wanted my soul.  ‘There is more to you than this…and I want that.’  He ran his hands down my body as he looked back up at my face slowly.

My heart expanded…his words just melting underneath my skin as I smiled widely, tears falling slowly while I wiped them gently away.  Could this be my old John?  The John who would stop at nothing to bring romance back into my life?   I hugged him intensely, pressing my chest tightly against his as I buried my face into his neck, breathing in his scent.  I loved this man….there was no question of anyone else coming close to that.  How could I leave him….how could I give up on him?  The sad part of it all is that I don’t think there is one thing that John could do that would make me walk away from him.  Sure we’ve done it before but we always came back to each other.  Perhaps we were never meant to part.

I’d figured right now was an appropriate time to tell him about what I knew…the news about Kim.  I asked for his understanding before I even started my revelation. I asked for him to remain calm and not to look at what I was about to tell him, in the wrong way.  When he agreed, I grabbed both his hands and placed them in my lap as I sat across from him on the couch.

His face fell when I told him that I knew he wasn’t the father of Kim’s baby.  His grip tightened in my hands when I explained how I slipped into the records room of the hospital to browse the files.  His face showed no emotion when I told him that I had some tests ran and that I met with Drake…someone who he had mistaken as a sexual option for me.  I did it for him….that was all I could say in closing as he looked along, unsure of what to say.  Was he mad?  I couldn’t tell by his expression but his body language had grown cold.

My eyes followed him as he dropped my hands in my lap softly and stood up from the couch.  He rubbed his head and smiled tiredly as he shook his head.  I begged for him to say something, anything at this moment….I couldn’t take the silence.

He only looked at me and smiled somberly while holding his hand out to me.  ‘Let’s go to bed…I’m done for tonight.’  Without any other words, I followed him up the stairs with our hands linked together as he guided me to the bedroom.  I watched as he removed his shirt and threw it onto the chair in the corner while I started removing my top and pants.  Slipping into a loose button up pajama top and cotton loose fitting shorts…I crawled into bed as he stared out the window.  Within seconds, he was at my side and in bed, pulling me closer than I expected to.  I wanted to say something, I wanted to make sure we were okay…but he hushed me and kissed my head.

‘Just sleep for now.’  Without anymore words, he placed his chest against my back and cuddled me tightly as we listened to our beating hearts while snuggled beneath the thick comforter.

When I woke up, I was startled to see Damian sleeping peacefully next to me, his arms spread carelessly about the bed.  I sat up and looked around to see if John had been there but he wasn’t….it appears he had been gone for awhile.  Turning back, I leaned down and kissed my son’s head, lingering there for a bit to cherish the moment.  My fingers traced lazy paths down his face as I watched him twitch in his sleep, bringing a smile to my face.    Silently, I pray that this beautiful little one will have a beautiful loving life without worry of either parent not being around.  For him, I will make this work…only for him, will I fight through the tough times to give him that joy he deserves.

After brushing the tangles from my hair and getting myself in order, I throw on my robe and head downstairs to make a very much needed cup of coffee.  I find John downstairs, drinking his coffee with his back to me, staring down at the newspapers as he stands hovering over it at the kitchen counter.  Walking up to him, I place my hands around his back and rest my cheek against his back as a hint of laughter escapes him and he uses his free hand to pat my locked hands at his stomach.

“Good morning.” He takes a long sip of his coffee as he tries to turn back to look at me.

“Good morning to you too.”  I release my arms and walk around him, in search for a coffee mug.  “Did you sleep well?”

“I did…for the first few hours anyway.”  He keeps his head down as he is reading the paper.

“Oh, why is that?”  Grabbing the mug from the cupboard, I place it in the machine and hit the brew button while waiting.

“Because your son felt the need to come into the room and slap me awake.”  He laughs as he takes another sip.

“He did?”

John nods as he looks up at me.  “Yep.  You didn’t feel him climb in bed?”

“No, I didn’t.”  I’m truly shocked…I didn’t even know he came into the room last night.  I must have been exhausted.  “Well I guess it’s a good thing we were only sleeping, huh?”  I smile and reach for my cup that is now filled with steaming Hazlenut coffee.  I feel the need to throw sexual innuendos for some reason.

He smirks but doesn’t really get that glow like he usually does when I mention sex.  Odd.  “Wouldn’t have been the first time he witnessed that.”  Placing his mug down, he looks at the time and then closes the newspaper.  Adjusting his tie, he reaches for his jacket on the chair and throws it on.  “I need to get going, meeting with my attorney.  I’ll be back a bit later.”  He prepares to leave but stops and turns back to me.  “Do you have any dresses here?”

“Dresses?”  I look up confused, my eyebrow lifting in confusion?

“Yeah, like cocktail dresses?”

I bite my lip to think and glance up at the ceiling, wondering if I am hearing things or if Damian has gotten up.  “I don’t think so.  Why?”

“Okay.”  He turns to leave but I stop him.

“Why?”

“I’m taking you out tonight…just us.  I’ll have a dress dropped off later.  Be ready by 7.”

“Wait…what?”  I place my mug down and follow him down the hall.  “What about Damian?”

“Belle will be over later.  See you tonight.”  He pecks my lips and walks out the front door.  I stare at the door and begin to wonder what is happening.  Is he upset about the news with Kim?  He seemed so closed off.  Where did this dinner idea come from?  Does he want to discuss this over dinner?

By noon, Damian is draped around me and refusing to let go of my neck or unlatch his legs from around my body.  He is beyond clingy today which makes me wonder if he is coming down with a cold or something.  He isn’t too fussy and I haven’t seen any tears so far but I have a feeling that will be coming soon enough.  His temperature feels fine and he doesn’t seem to have any sniffles.  Maybe he is just being a brat.

The doorbell sounds off and I try to put him down but to no avail.  Answering the door, a delivery man is standing on the other end, holding a large bag in front of me.  After signing for it, I manage to carry the bag and a perched toddler as the same time.  “Let’s see what is in the bag, shall we?”  I try to get him excited but he doesn’t really and only stares.  When I unzip the bag, a mid length fitting dark crimson dress hangs inside as I carefully grab at it.   It’s beautiful.  Its a one shoulder dress that covers enough but dips down on the other end to where wearing a bra is almost impossible…but leaves just enough to the imagination, making it a classy and a sophisticated cocktail dress.

“Oh, I don’t have shoes here.”  I hold up the dress when the doorbell rings again.

“One more thing Mame.”  He hands me a box and walks away.  Finally able to place Damian down for one second, I open the box and lift a shoe box and another small black box.  Opening the shoe box, I pull out these beautiful Black peep toe sling back Louboutin heels.   I don’t know how I am going to walk in these but they sure will compliment the dress quite nicely.

Opening the small black box, I smile when I see a matching set of diamond earrings and bracelet.  “Aren’t these beautiful baby?”  I show Damian but he has no interest as he shakes his head and yanks on my clothes.

“Up Mommy…up.”

“Damian…speak correctly.  You are not a baby anymore.”

“I am a baby.”  He shouts as he stomps his feet on the ground.  I shake my head and close my eyes.  This little one…everyday is always something new.  One minute he refuses to be called a baby, now he wants to be a baby.  Lifting him up, I place him on my lap and feel his head.  A little warm but nothing alarming.  Nevertheless, I take him to the kitchen and give him some children’s medicine just to be on the safe side.

By 3pm, he is dead asleep on the couch with his blanket while holding his toy tightly to his chest.  I check his temperature and he seems to be fine but it also makes me wonder if maybe we should even be going out tonight if he is feeling somewhat under the weather.

Shortly after 6pm rolls around, I pretty much have all the final touches completed with the exception of these shoes I am sure will kill me the minute I step into them.  Hooking on my bracelet, I look over at the mirror and make sure my makeup is in order.  With lightly dusted smokey eyes and hints of blush, I blot my lips to make sure I have an even coat of tickled pink lip gloss.  Blown dried hair that falls neatly down my shoulders and back, I make sure to tuck some strands behind my ear.  Reaching for my perfume bottle…I spritz the light fragrance on my wrists and neck.

I notice Belle leaning in the doorway as she watches me check myself over once more in the mirror before we lock eyes.  I smile as I smooth down my dress and stand up from my seat as she lightly whistles.  “Looking good Mom.”  I laugh as she lifts her eyebrow and crosses her hands across her chest.

“Aren’t you sweet?”  I go into the closet as I look for a clutch to carry, but knowing I am up the creek without a paddle, my choices are limited.   “How is Damian?”

“He’s okay…he is playing with Claire downstairs so I think we are safe.”  I breathe a sigh of relief knowing he won’t cause a whole lot of trouble while we are gone.

“I’m so relieved to hear that.  I don’t know what was wrong with him earlier.”  Finding a small black purse, I figure that it will simply have to do as it matches my shoes.

“This is a really nice place here.”  Belle is looking around the bedroom as she sees me coming out the closet.  “I kind of like it for myself.”  She laughs as she walks over to me and adjust the zipper at the side of the dress.

“It’s not too bad…it’s not home enough for me though.”  I make a face as I sway my hair to the side while adjusting the strap.

“You never like modern homes.”  Smiling, I feel her nudge my back as she pats my arm, announcing that she is done.  “Mom, why don’t you consider moving here?”

“Are you out of your mind?  And leave my big home?  You must losing your mind.”  We both laugh as we hear the kids squeal downstairs and Belle is quick to head towards the hallway.   She walks back in the room just as I am slipping into my new shoes, which don’t hurt as bad as I expected but the arch from the height will eventually kill me.   “Are they okay?”

“Yeah, Dad’s downstairs.  Ready?”

“I think so.”  I move my ankle a bit to make sure I have a sturdy balance as Belle smiles.

“I don’t think I have ever saw my mother wearing shoes like that…with that height.”

“Well…you and me both.”

“Hmm…What size are they?”  I look up at her and give a smirk.

“Not your size.”  I tap her with my clutch.  “Don’t even think about it.”  Kissing her cheek, I thank her as we walk out the room.

*~*

I wish I could have named the face John had on when I met him in the foyer before we left for dinner.  Perhaps it was the shoes…he’s not used to me being so tall.  Maybe it was the dress….I don’t really wear rich dark colors….it’s always pastels or simply black….never in between.

So now we sit in a dark private corner of a restaurant, lit only by candlelight and very dim overhead lighting above.  It’s a nice atmosphere for romance but anything else, not really recommended.  He’s dressed in a black suit, a dark shirt with a colorful tie that has hints of crimson in it….something that goes well with my dress.  His hair is short, dark…beautiful tapered…a look that I love on him.  He stares at me with gorgeous deep blue eyes and with dark long lashes covering his gaze, it makes my stomach flip.

I reach for my champagne glass as I move to take a soft sip.  He decided he wanted champagne…his reasoning?  Today was a new beginning for us…a reason to celebrate.  Placing the glass to my lips, I feel the bubbles slide down my tongue and along my throat as the flavor intoxicates my senses.  Our waiter arrives with a large dish of oysters as he places it on the table on John’s end.  I’m not highly impressed with that type of seafood therefore, I signal to John that is all him.

“You still don’t want to give it another try?”  He holds one up as he sprinkles some lemon on it.

“Well, unless I suddenly have the urge to swallow something that reminds me of flem…I will pass.”  I smile politely as he laughs and swallows the disgusting slimy substance.  I make a face as he places the shell down.

“It’s not that bad.”

“I’m sure.”

He leans closely over the table as he tries to get my attention.  “I’m not trying to kill a romantic mood here but I can think of many other things more disgusting that you have swallowed.”  My mouth drops as he laughs and I fight the urge to throw my napkin at him.

“John…”

“I’m joking…I’m joking.”  He lifts his glass and takes a long sip of his champagne before staring at me.  “Have I told you how absolutely beautiful you look tonight?”

“Sure, say that now after you insult me.”  I laugh as I tuck my hair behind my ear and reach for my glass.  “Thank you for the compliment.”

“No need to thank me…it’s the truth.”  We stare at each other for a bit before I turn my gaze away when I see the waiter coming back to the table with the grilled calamari dish.   “Eat up.”  John motions for me to eat as he begins picking at his oysters.  Sometimes I find him watching me as he licks at the oyster before slurping it up and then licking his lips, never taking his eyes from me.

“You might want to stop that if you are trying to follow this new rule you’ve made.”

“Do what?”

“That right there with your mouth.”  I point with my fork as I smile and chew my food.

“I didn’t know I couldn’t eat oysters without you comparing it to something sensual.”

“Trust me I don’t…but when you look at me the way you are…it’s playing with fire.”  He smiles and wipes his mouth with his napkin.

“Are you saying you can’t control yourself Dr. Evans?”

“I’m saying that you should learn to eat without staring…it isn’t polite.”  We both smile as he nods and reaches for his glass.

“I think I need something stronger than this.”  He motions for the waiter and asks for his typical beverage of choice, scotch.

By dinner, we have relaxed enough to actually get into the conversation that I felt he blew off yesterday.  I wanted to see how he really felt about me with Kim.  I couldn’t read him last night and as much as tried, he hid his expressions and kept his words to a minimum.

“So tell me…how do you feel about what I told you last night?”  I drink my drink slowly as he stares at me.  “About Kim and the baby?”  His face tenses and he sits back in his chair and wipes his mouth with his napkin before throwing it back in his lap.

“Well….I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I mean…I don’t know.  I’m a little confused right now.”  He rubs the back of his neck and then toys with his tie as he makes a face.  “I’m not sure how I feel about you just not trusting me.”

“John.”  I shake my head and lean closer to the table.  “It’s not about trust.  I just wanted to find out the truth myself.”

“What’s wrong with simply believing me?”  He looks upset.  Maybe this was a bad time to bring it up.  “Whatever happened to that?”

“You know what happened.”  My voice falls as he nods angrily and throws back his scotch before slamming it down on the table.

“Here is what I don’t like about it Marlena.  The fact that you went so far, to the point where it’s criminal, to prove what you desperately needed to know, something I already had told you from the beginning.”  I don’t say anything, I let him speak.  “You were willing to lose your job, risk your career, all for this stupidity?  I told you she was lying…but you couldn’t believe me, now could you?”

“I did this for you John.”

“Don’t tell me you did it for me…because I already knew.”

“From a medical standpoint, you didn’t.  A theory won’t work in court John.”

“So you did this for me or you did this for yourself?”

I look up at him and take a deep breath.  “I did this for both of us.”

“I have a feeling Doc….and stop me if I am wrong…but I have a feeling that if you had gotten the results you didn’t want to see…you wouldn’t be sitting here across from me tonight?”  I stare at him, unable to speak.  In a way, he is kind of right.  I would be far too upset to go to dinner tonight.  “You would have left, wouldn’t you?”  I shake my head but I don’t speak.  “You’re not going to answer me?”

“Why?”  I look up and shrug.  “It appears whatever I say at this point, you’ve already arrived at your own conclusions.”

“I want to know the truth.”

“I told you already…”  I sigh tiredly and look around the room at all the happy couples smiling and laughing…clearly happy to be around each other.   “Yes, I would have been upset but no, I wouldn’t have left.”

“Sure.”  He places the napkin on his table and signals for the waiter and asks for another drink.   “Look I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  Let’s just try and enjoy what’s left of the night.”

“So that’s it?  You’re not going to even let me explain?”

“No, because I think had it not been for what you found out, you wouldn’t be at my side today.”  He grabs the drink the waiter brings and takes another sip.  “Let’s just drop it.  We’re off to new beginnings.  That’s the past.”

“No, its not a new beginning until we settle this.  Look at me.”  He turns his eyes to me and I lean over the table and place my hands on the table linen.  “Listen to me when I tell you this….I did this for you….and only for you.”  I swallow roughly as he stares at me.  “I did this to protect you and our family.”  I stand up from the table and grab my purse.  “Now once you realize that and let that sink in, and learn to accept it….then we can move on.”  Turning from the table…I pull the chair back to move away.

“Where are you going?”  He looks up at me, drink in his hand, his legs crossed with his eyes piercing up at me.

“The ladies room.  And when I return….I want to leave.”  Walking away, I gather my bag in my hand and head out the room that promised to bring such happiness and romance for both John and I.  But Somehow, we always find a way to change that mood.

XXVIII.

Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do.  Why can’t I just let things be, especially if they are off to a good start.  I can’t help but look myself in the mirror and realize how tired I look.  Sometimes I don’t even know the woman who is staring back at me.  The eyes that used to gleam with life is now replaced with sadness, almost unrecognizable. Sighing, I close my clutch and rinse my hands while thinking back.  I had not expected this  evening to have such a downfall….how I wish this night could have turned out differently.  I had such high hopes that John and I could finally find some peace and start new, I really did.  This wasn’t how I expected it to turn out but then again, what did I expect when I brought up the topic of Kim and the baby.  I guess I had it coming.

We left dinner almost an hour ago.  When I had returned from the ladies room, John had paid the bill as I had asked and guided me out the restaurant silently.  At that time I didn’t think twice that maybe he wasn’t ready to leave.  All I know is that I was ready, and at that time, that is all that mattered.

Thinking we were going home, it was a shock when he drove elsewhere and we pulled in front of a lounge.  When I asked about what we were doing, he remained silent and exited the car, opening my door seconds later.  ‘I’m not ready to go home.’  It was a simple comment, one that needed no further questioning.  He walked me into this dark lounge, low lights and soft ambient music playing in the background.  He placed a hand against my back as he guided me toward a booth near the fireplace.   I will admit the first few minutes were uncomfortable considering we were playing the silent game up until we arrived here when I asked what we were doing.

He ordered for us, ordering his usual drink and telling the waitress to bring me a Mango martini.  I stopped him and told her that I would prefer a glass of wine but he told her the martini would do.  When she left, I had asked him if he was trying to get me drunk.  I was trying to bring some life back into this evening.  He smiled and simply shrugged as he said we will see how it plays out.

And now, three martinis later, I stand in this restroom…watching my clutch as it slightly moves away from me while everything appears to be tilting towards the side.  I blink heavily as I try to regain my sight while placing my hand against the cool counter and taking a deep breath.  Placing a shaky hand against my forehead, I take another deep breath and close my eyes, trying to regain my composure.  When I feel that I am safe…I grab my purse and reach for the door, on shaky feet.

I almost feel as if I am floating towards the table as John watches me closely…I think he is laughing.   I sit down slowly and smile as I reach for the glass of water I ordered.  He takes a quick drink of his shot and closes his eyes, laughing.  “Something funny?”  I close my eyes quickly as I feel the room moving too much.

“You.”  He stares back at me once I reopen my eyes and blink slowly.

“Why me?”

“You’re drunk aren’t you?”  He hands the waitress his empty shot glass and asks for the bill.

“No.”  I am quick  to snap back as I close my eyes again.  “I’m just a bit tipsy is all.”

“I see.”  He reaches for his phone and starts skimming through the screen.  I watch as he places the phone to his ear and stares at me for a second.  “Hi, This is John Black.  I was wondering if I can reserve a room tonight?”  I blink heavily as I take another deep breath.  I am starting to feel a bit queasy.  “That’s great.  I should be there in about 20 minutes or so.  Can I have the Metropolitan Suite please?  Fantastic.  See you then.”

“What’s going on?”  I hold my head as I keep my eyes closed.

“I booked us a room.”

“Why?  We were driven here?”

“Because I can’t have any interruptions tonight.”  I look at him and I notice that smirk.

“What?”

“Not that.”  He smiles and taps my hand.  “I actually want to sleep tonight without our child jumping all over us.”

“What about Belle?”  I look up and blink.  Perhaps I should go to the bathroom and splash some water on my face.

“She knows.  I called her.  She has no problem staying tonight…apparently she really is in love with the townhouse.” He laughs and I feel myself growing weak.

“John, I need to go to the bathroom.”  I stand up and lose my balance a little.  He is quick on his feet to help me but I insist on doing this alone.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah…just a little dizzy.”

“Come on…Let’s go.”  He grabs my bag and holds me close as we walk out the lounge.  The cooler air hits me and I feel as if I am even more drunk than 5 minutes ago, if that’s possible.  Stepping into his body, he holds me close as I hear him telling the driver to drop us off over at The Carlisle Hotel.  I feel him dig into his pocket and then I feel us being put into a car.  Somewhere during the short car ride, I passed out and woke up in a bed.  The room is dark and my clothing and shoes are still on.  I can’t remember how I got up here.  Was I carried?

I can’t tell if the room is still spinning because it is much too dark in here but I know that John isn’t near me.  I slowly crawl off the bed, kicking out of my shoes as they fall carelessly onto the floor.  I stumble over my feet as I make it past the doorway and look around the extraordinary suite.  Running a hand through my now messy hair, I wander off into a sitting room and find John, holding a glass and staring at the TV.  Am I hallucinating?

“John?”  He looks over to me and smiles as I come into the room, which I’m sure looking a mess.

“Hey…”  He sits up and places a glass on the coffee table as he lowers the volume on the TV.  “Did I wake you?”

“No…I didn’t see you in the room…how did I get up here?”

He smiles and sits back against the couch.  “Are you still drunk?”

“What time is it?”

“11:30 pm.”  Oh my God…it’s that early?  I thought it was like 3am.  The sad part is I am so out of it and it’s only 10pm.

“Why are you out here?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“What?”  I run a hand over my face as I stumble over towards the couch and sit slowly.   “What do you mean you couldn’t sleep?”

“I couldn’t sleep. It’s only 11:30 Marlena.”  He smiles and I look around the room.

“Oh.”  I lay my head against the cushions and close my eyes.

“You okay?”

“Hmmm..”

“Come on…let’s get you back in bed.”  I whine as I push his hands away.

“I don’t want to go to bed alone.”

“Shh, you won’t.  Come on.”  I feel him lean over me to pull me up but I stop him and lay back.

“No, John.”  I push his hands away when I put my head back down.  “How did I get up here?”

“You walked.”

“What?”  I lift my head and look at him.  “No, I didn’t.”

“You did…well kind of.”  He laughs and places a hand on my leg, rubbing softly.  “It’s amazing how I actually got you up here.”  I stare at him before closing my eyes and placing my head back down.  “You did a lot of leaning but you made it.”

“I don’t remember any of that.”

“I’m sure.”  He stays quiet and then I feel him shift, his hand no longer on me.

“Why didn’t you fall asleep with me?”

“I told you…I couldn’t sleep.”

I yawn and try to stretch in my dress.  “So I just passed out once we got up here huh?”

He sighs and giggles a little.  “Not exactly…but eventually you did.”

“What?”

“Nothing…let’s go to bed.”  He goes to lift me but I stop him when I put my arms around his neck and put my mouth on his.  He freezes and I part my mouth as I try to swallow his lips but he doesn’t budge.  Moaning softly against his lips, I pull him down but he doesn’t shift, he only pulls away a bit.

“Doc…stop.”  He mumbles against my mouth but I insist on trying to kiss him.

“Kiss me Baby.”

“No…stop it.”  Why is he stopping me?

“Honey…”  I whine as I try to nip at his lips.

“You’re drunk…come on…stop.  Let’s go to bed.”

“Yes, take me to bed.”  I whisper against his mouth as I run one of my hands down his neck and to his chest.  He pulls back and I take the moment to reach for his belt buckle.  He jumps back and grabs my hands.

“Marlena…”  He growls and holds my hands tight.  “Stop this.  I don’t want this.”

Those words alone were like a cold bucket of water being splashed along my body.  They hit me so hard and out of nowhere…I am not sure how to react.  “You don’t want me?”  I pull away slowly and he stops and sighs, dropping his head.  Quickly squatting in front of me, he places his hands on my thighs which I try to push off.

“That’s not what I meant.  I mean I don’t want to do it this way.”  He hesitates and tries to think of better wording.  “I don’t want this to be some drunken event that we will regret in the morning.”  He said he…not we but he.  So he doesn’t want this.

“You don’t want me.”  I’m starting to get angry…not a good sign.

“Marlena…that’s not it.”

“Is that why you are out here?  Did you turn me down earlier too?”

“I just didn’t want to have sex.  You feel asleep so quickly after I rejected you…it wouldn’t have mattered to you anyway.”  What?  We tried?  I don’t remember any of this.

“I want to go home.”  I pout and cross my arms as he stands up and places his hands in his pocket.

“You see…you’re not even level headed.”

“I want to go.”  I try to move and stand up but I feel as if an invisible weight is on my body.  “I will call a cab.”  I finally get up and stumble as he holds on to me.

“Sure you will…come on.  Bed.”  He pulls me towards him as we walk towards the bedroom.

“Why do you keep rejecting me?”  I want to cry…I guess another sign that I am intoxicated.  My emotions are everywhere.  My tears burn my eyes as they fall hot against my cheeks while he looks along…somewhat saddened.  He makes a face and reaches out to wipe them, while holding my face in both of his hands.

“Don’t do this…don’t cry.”  He pulls me into his chest as he holds me tightly, burying my face into his shirt as I cry lightly.  I feel him kiss my head as he holds me close while swaying us gently.  “You know I love you…I love you with every part of my soul.”  He places another kiss on my head.  “I just can’t do this right now.”  He moves me back so that he can see my face.  “Don’t fight me on this, please.”

“Will you ever want me?”

“I always want you.”  He smirks as he looks down at my body.  “That won’t ever change.”

“Well then…”  I look up at him and he closes his eyes.

“I can’t.”  He shakes his head and turns me towards the bed, helping me onto it.  “Want me to undress you?”

“No.”  I place my head onto the pillow and cry softly as I hear him move around the room.  The bed shifts and I feel his weight on my left side as he moves closer towards me, pulling me in his arms.

“I love you.”  He whispers into my ear as I swallow that painful lump in my throat.

“No you don’t.”

“I do…I always will.”  I continue to cry softly as he shushes me, running his hands through my hair.  Within minutes, I feel myself slipping until everything around me goes black.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don’t know if I despise John these days but I know I am not happy with this rejection I am getting.  I know we agreed to take it slow, but this is getting ridiculous.  There has always been something different about John and I compared to other couples.  We were always very affectionate, very open with each other.  There was nothing about us that we wouldn’t do and our relationship was based on many things but intimacy played a big part.  That’s who we were.

We aren’t these people.  People who shy away from intimacy because it’s inappropriate.  Since when?  I don’t understand what made John change his mind about this but I am not happy about it.  I feel as if I am slowly falling apart.  Part of me needs to reaffirmation…I need to be touched.  I need to be loved.  I need to know what he wants me still.  I don’t like not knowing…I don’t like assuming that I don’t do it for him anymore.

Maybe I’m just sexually frustrated.  But I don’t necessarily need him to be between my thighs, I just need him to hold me and kiss me….it doesn’t always need to be about sex.

The morning after at the hotel…we woke up in a daze.  Or I should say I woke in a daze…he woke up as if nothing had happened.  We were still in clothes, still in tact.  Proof that nothing happened in the wee hours of the night.

The drive home was quiet…almost awkward.  I still had remembered everything from the night before…I’m sure he did too.  I slipped out the car when we arrived at the house, crawling into the front door as if I was sneaking in the house.  It was still early…I assumed Belle, Claire and Damian were still sound asleep.  I was wrong.

That night, we went back to our normal sleeping arrangements.  He slept on the couch and I took the master bedroom with Damian right down the hall.   It’s almost as if nothing had changed between us…all because of that stupid woman and her so called pregnancy.  Well maybe it isn’t fake..but John certainly isn’t the father.

A week later, we are still at odds.  It’s funny how we can be like this when in reality nothing bad happened to us that night.  Perhaps he was right…perhaps we shouldn’t be jumping into bed with each other.  What are we doing together?  What has happened to us?

I look at the clock…John has a court case against Kim about the paternity issue.  I chose not to go although I don’t think John could have cared less.   Personally I think he was relieved because he didn’t want me to be caught in the middle…or for any of this to point at me. Today would be just the start of the case and now that his attorneys have their proof to legally file warrants for those medical documents, it would be the start of a wonderful battle.

I buried myself with work as Damian played in the living room with his toys while he watched his usual favorite TV shows.  I hear a baby cry and I look up and see him watching a channel that wasn’t on no more than 1 minute ago.  My mouth drops as I see a woman giving birth on TV as she is screaming while doctors are telling her to push.  I quickly stand from the chair and walk over to Damian who is standing with his eyes wide open and a control in his hand.

“Damian Michael Black…what in the world are you watching?”

“Mommy…what tappening?”

“Nothing.”  I grab the control and flick the channel back to his channel.  “I will take this now, thank you very much.”  I wave the control and take it with me towards the counter.

“Mommy…”

“Yes”

“She hab baby?”

“Yes.”

“Why der?”

“I’m sorry…what are you asking?”  I turn my attention to him.

“Babies tome from der?”  He points to his private area and I try my best not to laugh.

“Oh Damian…Damian.”  I shake my head and smile.  “You don’t want to watch Back at the Barnyard?”

“Mommy.”  He shouts as he pounds his little foot on the ground.

“Yes Damian.”

“Why babies tome from der?”

“Uh…good question.  You know what…you can ask Daddy when he gets home.  He should know.”  I try to change the subject because I don’t think I am ready to have this conversation with my 3 year old.

“I tome from der?”  He walks over to me and tugs on my shirt.  I look down at him as he stares up at me with those gorgeous eyes.  “I born from here?”  He points at my centre and that just brings a whole new level of uncomfortableness.

I laugh and shake my head, burying my face in my hands as I don’t know what to say at this point.  “You hungry?”  I decide its best to just change this topic immediately and quickly.

Four hours later, John walks through the door and greets his overexcited son as I stir the pot on the stove.  Damian is overly excited as he talks about his day, his toys, this commercial he saw that talks about this toy he wants, and so much more that I cannot keep up with.  John walks over to me as he whispers hello before placing a kiss on the side of my neck while I lightly smile and keep stirring.  These days, I’m lucky if he gets that close for a kiss.

I guess I could ask him about how his day went…but I rather not touch any topic with Kim these days.  I will wait until he tells me…if he tells me.

He sets Damian down as he sets his suit jacket on the chair and undoes the buttons on his wrists as he starts to roll up his sleeves.  I hear Damian run out of the room to go grab something as John comes up behind me, placing his hands on my hips and leaning over my shoulder.  This is surprising.

“What are you making…smells good?”

“Nothing that will spark your appetite.  This is for your son.”

“Mac and Cheese?”

“Told you.”  I smile as I turn my head to meet his gaze but he is quick to peck my lips.  What in the hell is going on here.  “What was that for?”

“Just because.”  Just because? What happened today?  “What are we eating today?”

“That I don’t know.  I didn’t expect you back this soon.”  I shut off the burner and move the pot to another section on the stove.  “What do you want to eat?”  He looks at me and smiles as he raises an eyebrow.

“There are so many choices….I don’t know.”  What in the hell is going on here.  I am so utterly confused.  One minute he gives the cold shoulder…next he is flirting away.

Before I could even say anything, I open my mouth when I hear Damian call John and tug on his pants.

“Daddy,Daddy…you know babies tome from here?”  He points at my middle as I close my eyes and smile while John backs up.  When I open my eyes, I see John blinking in confusion as he parts his mouth to speak but is speechless.  Instead we lock eyes as he huffs out a laugh as we both look down at Damian while he stares up in excitement.

“What did you say son?”  John hunches down to meet his eyes as Damian moves closer to me and points.

“I tome from right here.”

“Okay, that’s enough.”  I grab Damian’s hand and guide it away from me as I turn away.

“Interesting conversation.”  John finally comes up to me after Damian has finished his ground breaking news to John.  “How did this come about?”

“Your son changed the channel on one of those TLC shows.  Congrats explaining…because I will not be handling that.”

“Thank you…you are so kind.”  He comes close to me as he tries to reach for me but I am hesitant.

“So today….”  He stops and looks at me.  I promised I wouldn’t do this…I wasn’t going to.  I can’t help it.  “How did it go?”

XXXIX.

My eyes blink tiredly as I try to focus on my surroundings around the room.  Stretching, I place a hand over my face and rub my forehead as I sit up slowly and look around the room.  The bedroom.  What time is it?  I glance at the clock and notice the time.  It’s still early…but late enough for Damian to be in bed.  I glance towards the doorway to see if I see any sliver of light coming from under the doors.  It’s absolutely deathly quiet in the room….almost too quiet.  I’m beginning to wonder what is going on as I expected Damian to bolt in and wake me shortly after I fell into bed for a nap.

Earlier, I managed to give Damian a quick dinner right after asking John about how the case went.   Of course, John didn’t feel the need to get into details other than telling me it went well.  I wanted to know more and I was tempted to pick more about it but Damian saved the day.  He ran up to us, breaking the conversation and demanded that his dinner be served.  He’s becoming a little bit of a stinker these days.

I still won’t let it go.  I promised I would get more out of him later tonight if I could.

Yawning, I throw my legs over the edge of the bed and stretch out my back before standing and walking out into the hallway.  It’s still too quiet.  I take soft steps towards the bedroom across the way from the master and peek in to see if Damian is in the room.  Nothing.

Odd.

Heading down the steps, I slowly walk into the kitchen area and glace toward the sitting area or family room as I expect that is what it is.  I don’t see John or Damian either and that makes me worry.  However….the TV is on which is unusual.  Heading toward the couch to reach for the control, I stop and look down at my two dark haired boys.

My heart swells and my smile is immediate as I see John resting on the couch, his face turned as he drapes a protective hand over Damian’s back.  Damian is sleeping on John’s stomach with his head firmly pressed against his chest, I’m sure listening to the sound of his heart beating.  His small hand has scrunched up John’s shirt as he holds him close.  They both sleep undisturbed and completely oblivious that I am standing above them, watching them closely.

I can’t help but smile….I absolutely love these boys of mine.  This is almost the perfect picture.  I glance around me and look for my phone which I know I left down here somewhere.  Spotting it on the counter, I quietly tip toe towards the phone and walk back as I pull up the camera app on the phone.  Snapping a few pictures, I close the phone and hold it in my hand as I walk around the couch, crouching down as I run a finger down Damian’s back.  He twitches but continues to sleep as he smiles in his sleep which makes me giggle a bit.

My fingers trail towards John and I run my nail lightly down John’s face and his neck as he flinches and opens his eyes.  He turns to me, almost scared as I smile and shush him while patting his chest.

“It’s okay…it’s just me.”

“Oh…”  He clears his throat and rests his head back down as he blinks heavily.  “Hi.”

“Hi”  I smile while making lacy circles on Damian’s back.  “It looks like you two were tired too.”

“Yeah…he tired me out.”  He rubs his back as Damian turns his head and pops his lips, only to go back to sleep.

“Looks like he tired himself out too.”  I stand up a bit and hunch over as I try to move Damian.  “I need to get him to bed.  It’s late.”  John helps me move Damian as I reach and pull him up to me.  Damian’s head falls immediately in the crook of my neck and shoulder and he throws his arms around me.

“I can take him up.”  John sits up slowly, rubbing his eyes.

“No, I have him.  I am going to skip his bath….I’m just going to put him straight to bed.”

“Good idea.”  John reaches for the control and changes the cartoons, clicking on a news program while yawning.  “I need to go over some emails.”

“Okay.”  I don’t say more…I just walk off and head for the stairs.  Within 15 minutes, I am back downstairs as John is flipping through his phone.  Sinking into the spot next to him on the couch, I watch the news for a second before turning towards John.  “Did you sleep well?”

“I did.”  He smirks and then turns to me.  “Did you?  You knocked out pretty quick.”

“I know, I was tired.”

“I could tell.”  He turns his attention towards the TV when they mention John Black.  I immediately turn to the screen as they show footage about today’s court battle.  Clips of John walking into the court house surrounded by photographers while Kim comes walking in from the opposite direction.  The headline ‘John Black in baby scandal’ blinks across the screen.  My head drops and I hear John reach for the control and quickly shuts it off.  “Hey…”  My eyes meet his and he looks apologetic.  “I’m sorry about all this….I know this has to be affecting you in some way.”

“I’m okay.”  I put on a brave smile and fold my hands in my lap.  “We never finished our conversation earlier.  How did today go?” He makes a face and tilts his mouth to the side.

“Not bad.”

“That’s it…that’s all you are going to give me?”  I tilt my head sideways to look at his gaze that has fallen to the ground.

“It was nothing exciting.  My attorneys made their opening statements, and then demanded further investigation into the medical records.”

He stops and I have to wonder why.  “And?”

“And the court approved.”

“Well…that’s good news.”  I smile as he nods.

“It is…”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing…just a little worried about the serious case.”

I suck in my lips and nod sadly.  “I know…”  I reach out to touch his face.  “It’s going to be alright.”

“You don’t know that anymore than I do.”

“I know it will be.”  I smile and squeeze his chin in my hand.  “You have to believe that.  We have the best lawyers in the country.”  He looks as if he doesn’t believe me.  “You didn’t do any of that John…none of it.  You will not be punished for something that you had no control over.”

“But I did…it was my company.  I should have been paying attention.”

“Stop….no court in the world will find you guilty with all this evidence that clears your name.”  He shakes his head…he doesn’t believe me.  “We won’t lose you.”

“You just might.”  His voice drops.  “My son might lose his father.”  His voice cracks.

“Don’t do this…don’t you say that.”  I’m fighting the tears, you can hear it in my voice.  My throat is starting to hurt from holding back the tears.  I can’t see him like this…I don’t like to see him fighting this battle alone.  We’re all in it together.

“What if I lose Marlena?”  He looks at me with so much pain coating those beautiful blue eyes.  “Then what?”

“Then nothing because you are not guilty.”  He moves my hand away from his face.

“I don’t deserve you.”  He stands up to walk away toward the kitchen.  Opening the fridge, he pulls out a beer and pops open the cap, taking a long swig.  He watches me sadly and walks back to the couch, sitting down slowly.  “I feel as if I’ve aged 10 years in this last month.”

“I know…you don’t look it though.”  I smile, I’m trying to make him relax.

He smiles before sipping his beer.  “Aren’t you so kind.”  He pats my leg and then leans over to place his beer down on the coffee table.  “You should leave me.  Just take Damian and start a new life.”  His voice is breaking again.  “It’s over for me.  I know it.”

“It’s not John…stop.”

“We’re living a lie.”  He raises his voice and looks at me.  “We’re playing house…there is no foundation for us.  The glue that held us together is undoing.”

“What?”  This is the first I am hearing him say this.  Usually I am the one saying that.

“I need you to leave me.  Please?”

“Why?”

“You don’t want me anymore…I can see it.  I know you don’t.  You’re simply putting up with me.”

“That isn’t true John.”

“It is.  That is why I can’t…won’t make love to you.”  He turns his face away.  “You want the satisfaction…you don’t want me.”

“What?  How could you say that?  That isn’t true at all.”

“I shouldn’t have stopped you from leaving.  I’m an idiot.”  He attempts to get up but I stop him and hold him still.

“What is the matter with you?  Why are you talking like this?”

“Doc….”  He whines and closes his eyes.  I move closer to him and grab his face, turning it towards me.

“Stop talking like that.”  I try to get his eyes to focus on me.  “Look at me.”  When he does, I hold him tighter.  “We are not leaving you.  We will be there.”  I lean in to kiss him and he fights me at first.  He tries to pull his lips away.  “Don’t fight me.”  I reach in and kiss him again but he squirms, moaning into my mouth.

“Stop Doc…don’t do this.”

“Shh..”  I bite his lips lightly as I straddle his lap.  “Kiss me.”  I sensually take in his lips as I lower my hips onto his lap.  “Let me love you John.”

“No…no…I can’t.”  He grunts against my mouth, his hands still planted firmly at his sides and not on me.

“I love you John.”  I lick his lips while running my hands down his neck.  “And I know you love me.”

“I do…but…I can’t do this.”  He is whining as I am toying with the buttons of his top.

“I’m not the one you need to fight.  I’m on your side.”  I pull away and look into his eyes.  “I’m your partner.”

“I don’t want to fuck you.”  He angrily says this as he holds my hips.

“I don’t want you to.”  I eye him as I begin undoing his buttons.  I lean down and place gentle open mouth kisses on his dark haired chest.  “I want you to make love to me.”

He shakes his head, clenching his eyes shut.  “Marlena…please.”

“Please what?”  I hover over his mouth and toy with his lips.  “Tell me.”

“Baby…”

“Yes.”  I nip at his lip and grab his face with both my hands.  “Make love to me right here, right now.”  I whisper this against his mouth before sucking his lips into my mouth.

“I don’t want it to be like this…I want it to be special.  I want it to be slow.”

My eyes are heavy and I’m sure dark when I pull back and look at him.  “It will be slow…I promise.”  Winking, I lick my lips and dive for his neck while toying my tongue in certain spots that I know will get his blood pumping.

“This is not how I wanted it to be.”

“What did you want?”  I mumble against his skin as I feel his hands slowly running down my back.

“I wanted candles, champagne…us alone.”  I pull back and eye him.

“We never needed those props.  And we’re alone right now.”

“I want you completely alone.”

“Why?”  I decide to play this game.  I can make him come to me.

“Why what?”

“Why do you want me alone?”

“Because…I don’t like to share you.”  Like black magic, his hands begin to wander on my body as they frame my waist.

“Oh…is that why?”

“Not completely.”  His eyes are growing dark as he stares at my chest.

“Then why?”

“Because I want to make you scream my name without worrying about who is going to hear or wake up.”  His eyes meet mine as he pulls me towards him until our chests crush together.

“I see.”  His mouth is quick to engulf mine and for minutes do we battle with our tongues as I moan into his mouth, fighting for air.  “I’m not going to leave you baby.”  I manage to get those words out before he takes my mouth again.

“Even if I tell you to?”  He smiles while biting my lips.

“Since when do I listen?”  Tugging his shirt from his pants, I begin undoing the rest of his buttons before ripping the shirt from his shoulders and biting his skin there.

“You make an excellent point Evans.”  His hands reach for the hem of my blouse and he yanks it up and over my head, throwing it onto the coffee table in front of us.

His mouth latches onto the tops of my breast that are bubbled above the hemline of my bra.  I dip my head back and hold his head still as he toys with my skin, sending shivers up my spine.  His bites my nipple through the lace and I yelp as he moves back, his fingers reaching behind me to unlatch my bra.  He tosses the skimpy material with my top and runs his large hands over my breasts, massaging them somewhat and then running his thumbs around my nipples.  He watches me as he rolls his fingers around my breasts and smiles while lifting his hips a bit into me.

His mouth is quick to move to my breast as he sucks frantically while I bite my lips to keep from moaning loudly.  I rock softly above him with each motion of his mouth, dying slowly from the amazing feeling he is creating.  He moves to my other breast and repeats his actions as I rake my fingers in his short hair.

“I don’t want to fuck you but you’re making this difficult for me.”  He bites lightly at my nipple and I jump from the connection.

“Well maybe..”  I pause to moan and suck his lips before pulling away.  “Maybe you should fuck me here…”  I bite his ear as I whisper seductively.  “Then make love to me later in the bedroom.”  I press tiny kisses on his ear before running my tongue down his neck.  “How does that sound?”

“God, you’re so smart.”  He yanks my hair lovingly as he dips my head back and bites my neck hard which makes me gasp.

“Besides, I can moan a little more down here than upstairs.”  I start to undo his belt buckle before yanking it from the loops and onto the floor.

“I love the way you think.”  He grabs my face forcefully and bites my lips roughly before sucking them hard.

My fingers blindingly search for the button on his pants and I undo it while lowering his zipper down.  My hand slides in and immediately cups the large bulge standing there as he grunts against my mouth.  I pull away from his kiss as much to his disapproval and rub him tenderly while eying him closely.

I move off of him and sink to my knees while pulling his pants with me and lowering his boxers until they join his pants that are pooled around his calves.  I reach for his penis and begin stroking it softly up and down as John jerks in my hand.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”  He has his eyes closed as he lays his head back.

“What’s not a good idea?”  I move forward and lean over his knees and thighs.

“Whatever you are about to do.”  He is struggling to speak.

“Hmm…you mean this?”  I press a kiss on his tip as he breathes heavily.

“Yeah.”  He chokes out and his hands ball into fists.

“I see.”  I open my mouth and suck the top of him softly before lowering my mouth slowly until I have half of him.  With slow motions, I move carefully as my hands stroke him in circular patterns.  He lifts his hips gently to meet each stroke my mouth gives while his hands fall to my head.  He threads his thick fingers into my hair and he yanks gently while my mouth makes love to him.

“You have to stop.”  I don’t stop, in fact I apply more pressure that I hear his raged breathing.  “Doc…hold on.”  He pulls away and lifts me up as I stand tall on my knees.  “I have to take a break…hold on.”  He exhales loudly and laughs while I crawl slowly up and onto his lap.  He eyes me lovingly and then kisses me in the softest of kisses before lowering me down to the couch and running his hands down my body.  He stays hovered over me as he begins pulling my pants off my hips.  For some reason, he leaves my panties on as he throws my pants behind him and rubs me through my lace undergarment.  His eyes are dark and barely open as he presses roughly while I squirm beneath him.  His fingers move quick before they move the fabric to the side and repeat the same motions against my skin.

“John…”  I cry softly as one of fingers toys with my button while another slips into my body.  My hands squeeze the leather fabric above me.   My eyes are closed tightly as John’s hands continue to bring me towards the edge of paradise.

I suddenly feel his lips against my moist flesh and I shiver against his mouth.  His thick tongue is stiff as it slides around my curves before diving into my centre and flicking against my overheated button.  My world is about to crash into a million pieces when he pulls away and the feeling of my panties sliding down my thighs is all I can concentrate on.

“I’ve missed you.”  His mouth mumbles these words against my thighs as he lifts one of my legs and traces his mouth up the entire length.

“I’ve missed you more.”  He releases my leg and lets it fall as he adjusts himself on on his knees and kicks out of his pants and socks.  He stands above me with his erection painfully stiff and pointing upward.  Unintentionally I lick my lips as he smiles and slowly rubs himself.  He lowers himself above me, bracing himself with one hand while the other guides himself towards my body.

I close my eyes when I feel him sliding against my skin and rubbing his organ between my folds, applying pressure against my  centre.

“Stop teasing me.”  I cry out and lift my hips but he pulls back.

“I love you.”  His mouth is above me and he is so close that I can almost taste him.

“I love you.”  I barely whisper as continues to press himself against me but not in me.

He answers my silent wish when I feel him slide in slowly…so very slowly.  We both breathe deeply…I gasp actually…when he slips into my body.  My nails press into his back as he grunts against my neck.  My legs part widely as I feel him press his hips lower until he is completely buried inside of me.

“John…oh God.”  I cry against his ear as I feel him pull back slowly only to move right back in.

He doesn’t say a word, he only moves gently above me as I press my feet against the back of his legs.  My hands squeeze his biceps as he lifts up and starts pushing a bit more frequently.

I can’t believe we are finally doing this again…I’ve been wanting this for so long.  I reach up and touch his face as he thrusts into me, watching me, his body beginning to glisten.   He hits a spot and I crumble as I moan loudly and squeeze him inside of me.

He grunts as he holds still and then continues his movements while I try to meet his motions.  My insides are unraveling and my nerves are tingling, threatening to explode at any moment.

I feel him slide out and he breathes deeply while reaching for my hand and pulling me up.  I follow him when he sits back and guides me above him, adjusting himself so that I can slide down on him with ease.  He holds himself as I lower my body down until I feel the tip of him at my cervix.

I hold his face as I slowly rock above him, watching him as much as possible until my passion succumbs and I have to close my eyes from the pleasure that courses through my veins.

He holds my waist, frequently touching my breasts while I roll my hips to and fro.  His hands reach beneath me and cup my backside as he picks up the pace and rocks me quickly above him as I hold the back of the couch to have some sort of balance.  His groans become louder than usual…I meet his volume as I cry his name while we both lose ourselves in each other.

My head dips forward onto his shoulder and I bite his neck as I feel him pounding against my insides, the feeling absolutely amazing.

“John…baby.”  I feel it burning….I’m losing the will to go on.  He can’t be far behind.

“Damnit Doc…”  He grunts loudly and I feel the explosion of his warm liquid pouring into my body as I continue to move above him.  I’m not there…not yet but I am close.  I use this position to my advantage and lean back while applying pressure to our connected centers.  The friction increases the pleasure and within seconds, I shatter above him, crying out his name….a little more louder than I usually would be with a child in the house.

My body falls against him and my face is buried back into his neck while we both fight to regain control of our breathing.  It takes minutes for us to come back down from the cloud and he holds me tightly until I can move again.

When I lift my head up, I kiss his lips tenderly and smile as he bumps his hips up against me.  “You have to give me a few more minutes.”

“I don’t know if I can.”  He laughs as he holds me tighter, placing gentle kisses along my shoulder.

My eyes lift and look towards the hallway that leads to the front door and stairway. My son is standing there, rubbing his eyes tiredly as he holds his toy closely while yawning.

“Mommy…”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The beating of John’s heart has me at peace as I rest my head comfortably over his bare chest.  His slow breathing has my head moving in a slow rhythm against his breast while my arm drapes across his shoulder.

The thin black sheet drapes against our lower bodies as we lay still moist from earlier lovemaking.  The room is humid and dark…shadows splaying across the walls and floor from the sliver of light peeking through the window.  I’m not exactly sure of the time…I’m too afraid to ruin this moment and move.  I assume it must be in the middle of the night but it could also be the early hours of the morning.

I lift my leg and slide it down John’s as he moans lightly and holds me closer to him, our bodies moving even closer together if possible.   I have no idea why I am wide awake but I assume it’s the internal Mommy clock that sounds off anytime I am curious if my child is okay.

I think back to earlier this evening when I saw Damian standing in the archway of the family room.  I literally froze as my son called my name tiredly, rubbing his eyes.  I crawled off John as quickly as I could and grabbed a small blanket that was sitting at the edge of the couch.  Wrapping myself in it, I ran over to Damian and picked him up.

Thankfully he hadn’t seen anything…he was half asleep.  I kissed his head and placed his head against my chest while we headed back upstairs.  He didn’t ask questions, he didn’t even ask for his father.   I had Damian back in bed and sound asleep within 10 minutes…rubbing small lazy circles against his belly until I was sure he was completely out.

John had managed to collect our things together downstairs and partially dress back into his boxers while I put our son down.  When John came upstairs, I was already in the master bedroom, pulling the sheets back in bed.  While John was downstairs locking up, I was searching for a nightgown to wear to bed.  After doing a quick shower, I threw on the nightgown and crawled into bed as John came into the bedroom, closing both doors quietly.  He wanted to lock them, I thought it was best to leave them unlocked just in case.

John removed his boxers and crawled into bed, pulling me towards him for a kiss.  I met his demands and we spent a few minutes in bed simply kissing and light touching.  He questioned why I wore a nightgown to bed, knowing that it would be off anyway.  I laughed and allowed him to slowly remove the straps from my shoulder as he placed small kisses on my skin.

I hear John cough and I lift my head to check on him.  He turns his head and falls right back asleep as I rub his chest and place a small kiss.  I decide it’s the best time to move and readjust myself as I turn to the other side of the bed.  Adjusting my pillow, I lay down, pulling the sheet to my chest and glance at the time.  2am.

I attempt to go to sleep but images of John on top of me take over my thoughts.  All I hear is his grunting in my ears and his body moving into mine as I wrap my legs around his waist.  Flashes of our hands, bodies, mouths, fingers moving..squeezing…kissing…groping…thrusting.  It all blinks throughout my mind like a montage on loop.

I bat my eyes at the clock and try to think of something else.  I can’t.  I sigh heavily and rub my face…I guess counting sheep could be an option.  Deciding to check on Damian, I glance back at John and slowly get up from the bed.  Luckily this bed is practically brand new so any movements pretty much go unnoticed.

Slipping my gown back on, I sneak out the bedroom and tip toe towards Damian’s room.  Peeking into the room, I notice he is still sound asleep.  Backing away, I close the door slightly and head downstairs for the kitchen.  I am dying of thirst and I’ve been fighting the urge for a while now.

When I’m in the kitchen, I’m taking a long sip of water from the water bottle when I notice John’s phone lighting up on the counter.  He must have left it down here.

A message from a number pops up on the screen with partial message.  I shouldn’t be looking…I shouldn’t glance at it.  So of course, that explains why I lift the phone and slide my finger across the screen to open the message.

I smile when I read the message….I don’t know why but just knowing the truth makes it all better.

I’m assuming the message is from Kim as it states that she will come after him no matter what.  In the end, she will milk every last dollar from him to pay for his baby.  She calls him a few more names.  I close the app and take the phone with me upstairs.  Quietly closing the doors, I place his phone on the dresser and slip into bed gently.

I fall asleep quicker than I expected and I don’t realize how long I’ve been asleep until John rolls over and spoons me, pulling me into his body.  My eyes blink at the time and I notice that an hour and half has passed.  My hand reaches for his and I squeeze it as I adjust my head into the pillow.

He moans into my ear as his hand rubs the satin on my belly.  “Mmm, why are you wearing this again?”  His voice is hoarse as his hand travels up and he fingers the strap of gown.

“I needed to check on your son.”

“Oh…and I assume going naked isn’t appropriate huh?”

I laugh lightly while he lowers my strap.  “No.”  His mouth begins to press against my neck while I close my eyes and enjoy the small sensations he is stirring.  His hand wanders to my breast as he squeezes it tightly while pushing into me from behind.  A audible gasp escapes me as his kisses become intense and he turns my face so that our mouths connect.

We don’t speak as he guides my gown back up and off my body.  I don’t hesitate when he pushes his erection against my rear and bites at my shoulder.  Like a good lover, I intertwine our fingers as I feel him slide himself inside my body from behind me as we lay spooned together.

I arch my neck against him as he begins to push back and forth against my body softly and quietly.  We remain silent with the exception of a few moans and heavier breathing.

Earlier, we made love tenderly as we rolled along the bed, both taking turns in taking control.  I made love to him passionately as he lied beneath me while I rolled my hips seductively back and forth against his hips.  His hands fell upon my breasts and stomach as I continued my pace above him while he cried my name quietly.

When he couldn’t take anymore, he switched our positions and had me on my back as he crawled back between my legs.  He pushed harder and harder into my body until I thought I was going to split in two from the force.  He managed to swallow my cries as he kissed me through the rough thrusting.

I had missed him so much that I caught myself crying during our lovemaking.  He hadn’t noticed and I was grateful.

I expected him to get a bit more extreme but he kept our sex to a minimum and our positions to the norm.

Now, he lies behind me, his hand pressed against my hip as he guides me to his rhythm.  I could explode at this angle…something about it is so sensual to me and I don’t know why.   He lifts my leg and holds it up as he lowers himself so that he is angled better to hit directly up into me.  I bury my face into the pillow as his pace picks up and my body shifts from his movements.

As if in a blur, I can barely make out my name as he constantly repeats it with each thrust.  I feel him release my leg and his hands move to my hips as he picks me up and turns me onto my stomach.  Lifting only my hips, he plunges himself into me as I bite back my cries.  I use the pillow to my advantage and dig my face into it every time he hits my back wall.

“John.”  I call his name repeatedly as I hear him grunt behind me.  Shockingly, this bed makes no noise whatsoever.  The only sounds are our low moaning, our skin hitting, and breathing.

“Baby…”  John holds still before pulling out and slamming himself right back in.  My fingers reach up and yank the sheets which come undone and expose the mattress.

I shut my eyes as I release myself, falling helplessly from this highly built climax.  I cry endlessly into the pillow as my body shakes from the aftershock of it all.  I feel as if I am tingling everywhere while John pumps away behind me when I hear him call my name again and the stream of thick hot liquid spurts into me.

He collapses against my back as he fights to regain his breathing, his tool still buried deeply inside.  I can barely maintain my composure as John places small kisses against my back.  “You’re mine.”  He places a long wet open mouth kiss against the back of my neck as he pushes himself a little deeper this time.  “You are mine.”  Slow words echo through my ears as I close my eyes and my legs grow weak.

He shifts and pulls out slowly while my legs give out and I slowly lower myself onto my stomach, still breathing deeply.  Sleep comes easily after sex and I have no issue falling into that dreamland the minute I have the sheet draped against my body.  I feel John’s lips on my face as he kisses me, mumbling terms of endearment that I just can’t make out right now.

His kisses are everywhere and the last thing I remember is a small kiss against my ear before he thanks me for never walking away from him.  I barely pucker my lips in a kiss to meet his before turning my face away and knocking completely out.

Whatever tomorrow brings, we will face together.  Whatever difficulties come our way…I promise I will be there with him and at his side.  Because as much as I hate to admit it…I am nothing without him and I don’t want to know what it’s like to be without him again anymore.

XL.

We’re a tangled mess….that is probably the best and only to describe us.   Sometimes I don’t know what our moods will be like today, or tomorrow, or the day after.  All I do know is that Whatever tomorrow brings….I will be there.

For the life of me, I can’t get that line out of my head today.  Oddly enough, I said this to John last night.  It  absolutely came out of nowhere.  We had been sitting on the couch watching a movie before I climbed into his lap and pulled his mouth to mine for a gentle kiss.  I stared into those blue eyes that I love so much and whispered those words to him.

He was confused at first.  He wasn’t sure why exactly I had said that and he wasn’t sure where I was going with it.  I silenced him with my finger on his lips and told him not to read into it.  It was simply something I wanted him to know and burn into his memory.  I know we are on shaky grounds right now, with his case and that paternity lawsuit.  I don’t know why I even am bringing up the paternity case, that’s a non issue.  But still….it’s unnecessary stress and media attention that our family does not need and can do without.

It feels good to be back on track with John….it just feels normal and I like normal.  I’m not saying we are 100% in order, but we are off to a good start and I am okay with that.  As long as we are not arguing or ignoring each other, I would say we are doing well enough. I like the little things, like when he comes up behind me, snaking his arms around me simply to kiss me.  Or the fact that he finds a way to simply touch my face and smile….all those things mean the world.

Slowly but surely, this townhome is growing on me.  I’m not keen on actually living in something like this on a permanent basis, but it’s definitely a cozy getaway.  Our son seems to be quite the fan of the new place as he runs around constantly, scattering his toys anywhere he finds a spot.  I guess the good thing about this smaller home is that I don’t have to spend most of the day cleaning up after him as there are not as many rooms as we have at our house.    However, I am beginning to notice that Damian is lonely…and only the mother in me would know how much my child is unhappy by being locked in a house.  Yes, he’s mentioned to both John and me that he wants to go out and play.  John usually takes him to the small yard and they find something to do with their time out there….but I know what Damian means.  I know what he is asking for.  He wants life….he wants outside.  Something outside of the yard and patio….somewhere he can run and stretch his little legs.

I haven’t dared to bring up a toy store but I know that our son would burst in excitement if I told him we were taking him there.  I think he needs that.  Today…I shall treat him with an outdoor adventure.

I’m aware of the press….I’m aware of the attention we will get.  At this point, I don’t care….he needs some level of normalcy.  But do I really think that swarm of journalists and cameras are good for him?

Shrugging, I finish putting on my mascara in the bathroom mirror as I quickly brush out the waves from my hair while tucking loose pieces behind my ear.  Placing the brush back in its drawer, I walk towards the bedroom and start undoing the tie on my robe.  Slipping it off and throwing it on the small fluffy chair in the corner of the room, I slide into my dark jeans while sliding my white cami over my torso.  Grabbing my white button down blouse, I toss it on and begin buttoning quickly.  The type of outfit would go well with boots but I have a 3 year old who is about to lose their mind once we walk into that fabulous toy store.   I’m guessing sneakers will probably work better.

Jogging down the steps, I call for Damian as I hear him laughing with his father while he shouts that he is watching TV.  I sneak around the corner and poke my head in the archway of the room as I tell him to go get his shoes on.

John’s face drops as he looks around at Damian who scatters off and then quickly stands.  “Where are you going?”

“Out.”  I smile and turn to see if Damian had in fact listened to my request.

“What do you mean out?”  He walks around the couch as he moves closer to me.

“I think its time we get Damian out the house.”  I smile and try to reach for his face.  “I’m taking him to Duncun’s Toy Chest.”

“Doc.”  He is clearly not a fan of this idea.  “It’s not a good idea.”

“We’ll be fine.  He needs to get out of this house John.  It isn’t healthy nor do I want him to feel confined within these walls.”

“Doc…Marlena.”  He struggles to find words.  He clears his throat and holds his hands out in the air to try and explain his reasoning.  “I’m all for getting the kid out, believe me.  I want our child to be happy.  But I know how those bastards are out there….they are relentless.  I don’t want Damian smothered by that attention.”

“John…calm down.  The press has no idea where this hideout is.  They won’t even have an idea where to begin to find us.  I highly doubt they are waiting at a toy store.”

He makes a face as if he is about to give up.  He throws his hands up in the air as if saying, ‘I’ve lost my case with you’.   He turns to walk away only to turn right back and look at me.  “Doc….I don’t like this.”

“Of course you don’t…I didn’t expect you to.”  I smile and turn back again to see Damian trying to slip on one of his shoes.  “Do you need Mommy’s help baby?”

“Uh uh…I tots it.”  He is concentrating on making sure his foot slides in perfectly.

“Who teaches this kid his grammar?”  I laugh while shaking my head.  “Sweetheart….you mean you have it?”

“Yesh…I tots it.”

“You don’t say gots.  That isn’t the correct term Mr. Black.”

John sighs as I turn my attention back towards him.  “I’m coming with you.”  He starts to walk away but I stop him and grab his wrist.

“No you’re not.”  He appears to be shocked when I pull him closer.  “If you’re worried about your son with the media attention, imagine how much worse it will be for him when the cameras spot you and people start getting tips that you’re out and about with your family.”  I let that sink in for a minute before I continue on.  “Let’s not do this to him.  We’ll be fine.  Okay?”

“Fine.”  He grits his teeth and lowers his gaze to the ground.  “How are you getting there?”

“The car?”

“Chauffeur right?”

“I actually was thinking about driving.”

“Not going to happen.”  John bites his lip in frustration as he clears his throat.   “What’s his face will drive you.”  I sigh and roll my eyes while crossing my arms at my chest.

“Bob.”

“What?”  He looks confused again.  Why is John so all over the place?

I explain further.  “His name is Bob.”

“Whatever…Bob.  He will drive you.”

“John?”

“No….I’m not going to discuss this any further and this is the end of this discussion.”  He turns away and walks around me towards Damian, who is sitting on the stairs.  “Let Daddy tie those silly strings for you buddy.”

“Tay.”  Damian smiles as he kicks his feet excitedly while John continues to do his task patiently.

“Do you know where you are going?”

“No.”  He shakes his head dramatically as he looks up for Marlena.  “Mommy, where we toing?”

“It’s a surprise.”  I smile widely as Damian looks to John, his eyes big and bright with excitement.

“It’s a swurpwise Daddy.”

“I’m super excited for you.  Come on…lets get you going Kid.”  He helps him up as Damian runs to grab his favorite toy.

“No…no baby.  Leave that here.”

“No Mommy…I pway with this.”

“Where we are going sweetheart, trust Mommy when I say, you won’t need it.”

He shakes his little head as he looks to John.

“Maybe he can take it and then leave it in the car once you get there.”  I silently nod and reach for Damian’s hand as I balance my purse in my other arm.

“Let’s get going.”  I smile and tug his hand softly while looking up at John and pucker my lips.  “We’ll see you later.”  Placing a small kiss on his lips….I feel like he hesitates and somehow I don’t feel that the kiss was returned.  Maybe it’s just my imagination.  Maybe he is just upset.  He’ll get over it.

Thirty minutes later, I have a toddler who is on a major overload just as I had expected.  He practically squeals as he skips down the aisles while he calls out for me constantly, pointing at almost every toy he sees.  I know it isn’t something I would do and I truly don’t advise spoiling your children as much…but today will be exception.  I feel bad that we have locked up our child with us in that townhome and been living in secrecy from the world.  No child should ever have to go through that.

So today….and only today….will he be allowed to get anything he wants.  Regardless the price, the size, the quantities.  It’s his day.

Damian jumps up and down when he spots this power wheel car that I am not so keen on him having just yet.  He points and yells for me to look as I pretend to be just as surprised and match his reactions.  Perhaps I spoke too quickly.

“I want dis Mommy.”  He tries to climb in the car and for a moment do I debate on stopping him.  Allowing him to crawl into that car only fuels his passion to have this item.

“I bet you do little one.”  I stare at him as he hits the buttons in the car that make sounds, blare horns….is that a radio that is playing?   “Come on Damian, let’s continue to look around and see what you want.”

“No Mommy…I want dis.”  He pretends to make driving noises as he looks up and smiles.  “Peas?”

“Sweetheart, I don’t know if you are ready for something like this?”

“I am”

“I don’t know….let Mommy think about it for a bit.”

“No Mommy….peas.”  He is starting to beg.  I can’t cave in…not yet.  We just started walking through the store.

I decide to try a different tactic.  “How about we look around first and then we will come back, okay?”

He shakes his head frantically.  He might be onto my tricks.

“Baby…we can’t fit this in the car.  We don’t have a car big enough to take this home.”

“Mommy…peas.”  I see those pleading puppy dog eyes.  I shake my head and hold out my hand.

“Come on.”  He pouts, jutting out that lower lip and dropping his head down.  He climbs out sadly and walks to me, placing his hand in mine as we walk down the aisle.  I hear him sniffing as he keeps his face down while I try to tug his hand and point at toys that we pass.  He doesn’t look up, he only keeps that adorable little face down towards the ground.  I stop and hunch down, lifting his face to mine when I place a finger under his chin.  “Hey, look at Mommy.”

My heart breaks when I see those big watery eyes and I swear, I cave into him immediately.  I smile and pull him into a tight hug, kissing his head.  After I pull away, I wipe his big tears and kiss him on his lips.

“We will buy you the car.”  He smiles immediately and throws his little arms around my neck as he jumps up and down.  “But…but…listen to me baby.”  I pull him back again as he stands still.  “We can’t take it with us right now, okay?  They will have to deliver it to our house because it won’t fit in Bob’s car.”  He stares at me quietly.  “Do we have a deal?”

“Yesh.” He smiles and I kiss him again.

“Okay…lets go look for more toys so we can take home and show daddy.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“You had me worried.”  John is literally following me around the house as I pick up Damian’s toys that are scattered throughout the rooms.

“John, we’re fine.  We’re home, aren’t we?”  I throw his toys into a bin as I continue walking around as I look through the space for toys under the couch, tables, etc.

“You could have called to ease my mind.”

“I did.  I also left you a text.”  I turn around to look at him only to turn back and duck down to pick up a toy truck.

“I can’t believe you went to a restaurant.”

“Are we not supposed to eat?”

“We have food here.”

“Just stop…enough already.”  I hold up my hand and hand him the bin that I’ve been carrying.  “Damian needs some normalcy and I am going to give it to him as much as I can.”

“Doc…I’m not trying to be difficult.”

“Then don’t.”  I peck his lips and smile softly.  “By the way, we have a large delivery arriving tomorrow and you will need to put it together.”

“Wait, what?”  He places the bin down as he follows me into the kitchen.

“Your adorable child totally baited me into buying him a power wheel.”

John laughs as he looks up towards the ceiling and shakes his head.  “You caved huh?”

“I did.”  I place my hand towards my heart and sigh.  “Those tears….I just couldn’t deny him.”  We both stay quiet as I turn back while chopping some fruit.  “You know, I don’t recall being like this with the twins or Belle.”

“It’s always about the baby.”

“Well Belle was a baby for a long time and I still don’t remember caving.”

“Oh you did…”  John smiles while running his hand down my back.

“No, you did.”  Smiling, I continue to cut the fruit while taking a bite of some pieces.

“Maybe…”  His lips start to peck my neck as his arms now wrap around me tightly, pulling me close.  “You smell beautiful.”

“As oppose to any other time?”  We both laugh as he nips at my skin.

“You always smell beautiful but right now, I just want to lick your skin off.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.”  I turn my head and peck his lips as we smile.  “Are you hungry?  Shall I feed you?”

“Food?”  He laughs against my lips and I nip his lip.

“Food is the only thing that is being offered right now.”  He shakes his head and releases my waist.

“I have to meet with the lawyers tomorrow morning?”

“Oh”  I reach for a bowl and start placing the diced fruit in.  “What time?”

“Early.  I should be home early afternoon.”

“Prepping for court?”  I look towards him as he nods quietly.

“Yep.”  He doesn’t say anymore and I hesitate.  I reach for a dish rag and wipe my hands before going to him and throwing my arms around his neck.

“Hey….it’s going to be okay.”  He looks distant.  “It will.  You didn’t do this John.  And the court will see that.”

“I hope you’re right.”  He holds me tight as he places his face in my neck.  “I don’t want to lose my family.”

I pull back and look into his eyes.  “You won’t.”

“How do you know that for sure?”

“Because I have faith….you won’t.”  I kiss his lips as he sighs against my mouth.  He pulls back and drops his head.

“Court begins next week.”

“I know….It will all work out.”  I state this slowly as I reach for his lips again, this time lingering a bit longer against his mouth.  “I love you.”

“I love you.”  He whispers before he swallows my lips roughly.  “I love you so much.”  He lifts me up and into his arms, forcing me to wrap my legs around him.  He turns us and places me on the counter as he grips my face and stares into my eyes.  “I adore you.  I need you.”  He bites at my lips before taking my mouth in a deep kiss, plunging his tongue deep inside.   I moan against his probing tongue as he begins tugging on my blouse.

Our innocent flirtatious petting from before suddenly changes course….our simple intentions for the night, long forgotten, and that bowl of fruit that I had every intention to eat….now abandoned.  At this moment, nothing matters but John and his need….and because I Love him…I will be here to satisfy that desire.

XLI.

There is something about my mood that I can’t really put into words.  It’s not one of excitement nor can it be considered as horrib;le.  Perhaps dread…that might be a better way to describe it.  My legs twitch nervously as they bounce and shake, to I assume from being anxious, while I sit in the cold hard wooden chair.  This room is stifling with it’s low light and old architectural design.  The framework is dark and unappealing, the flooring…dark marble..much too cold like for me.   The smell is something I could never get used to.  It smells of old books and aging wood.

My fingers fidget with my blouse as I poke at the hem, pulling it up further across my breasts.  Suddenly, my suit jacket feels much too tight as I begin to undo the first of the three buttons.  I finger the necklace against my collar while tugging lightly on it, feeling as if its almost strangling me.

I can feel too many eyes on me, enough to make me uncomfortable and squirm a bit more in my seat.  I badly need a distraction but there isn’t much that I can do other then look around the room.  I glance at my watch and take in the time.  It should be any minute now before John is here.   Before I could even attempt another thought, I hear the doors and muffled voices of various men as I turn slightly and notice John walking with his attorneys.  Dressed in a black suit, John’s face is unreadable…very straight and somewhat cool.  His team of lawyers seem confident and powerful as they glide across the floor with folders, boxes, and briefcases in hand.

John and I lock eyes for a moment before I smile weakly as he winks but then quickly turns his attention back towards his attorney.  They begin setting up all of their documents and laying endless paperwork across the table while I begin to place a hand across my forehead.  I feel much too hot right now.

I can barely make out what they are discussing but I know enough about this case that I probably can recite every detail they are more then likely discussing.   I notice the sheriff at the front of the room and close my eyes, sending a silent prayer to the heavens.    The next words sound throughout the room as we all stand while John’s judge walks out of his chamber and towards the bench.  The room quickly goes quiet…almost too quiet.

Opening statements.

I swallow roughly when I hear the prosecuting team.  The jury looks along as the lawyers begin to paint the canvas that will in time, be either John’s portrait of innocence or betrayal  The words that fall from their mouth make me uncomfortable as they point towards his table, describing the horrible details of what John Black did to innocent hard working citizens.   They paint this hideous picture of a man who could never willingly hurt anyone.  A man who loves more then hates.  An honest to God, great man who would cut his own hands off before he every stole from anyone.

His team steps up and begins their case.  With careful words, they stand in front of a straight faced jury and preach their case.  They tell a short version of John’s life story.  His wealth…his family…his career.  Things that shouldn’t really matter in a situation like this but for some reason, it’s crucial facts that the jury must know from the start.

I put my head down when they begin to describe his personal life…more specifically; his marriage.  I bite my lip when they describe our marriage, our family, our long list of charitable donations we have given to the town of Salem as well as other countries worldwide.   They were so kind to leave out the details of our emotional rollercoaster relationship.  I guess it’s not important to describe our on again off again relationship.

For hours on end do they go back and forth, describing a case that will surely drain both John and I.  It’s almost exhausting to know that this will be our lives, day in and day out for months on end.   I pray for a miracle.  I’m begging for a mistrial.

Court sessions are never as they appear to be on TV.  It’s never simply an opening statement, witnesses, evidence, and closing statements with a verdict reached by the end of business day.  How I wish that would be the case.  But life could never be that easy.  It will be many sleepless nights for John and I.

By the next hour, the judge ends the day as he stands from his chair and departs the room.  I tilt my head to the side to ease the tension in my neck as John stands with his lawyers, picking at his tie while he loosens it from his neck.  I know that he is going to be while, he won’t be leaving with me.  I check my watch again, anxious to get home to my baby.  Standing, I smooth down my jacket as John catches a glimpse and turns to me.  He holds up his finger towards his attorney and turns to lean over the wooden rail separating us.

“You leaving?”

“I am…I want to get home to the baby.”  I smile sadly while placing the strap of my purse over my shoulder.

“That’s a good idea.  I’ll be awhile so I will see you home later.”  I nod and don’t bother to say another word.  He reaches out to touch my chin and pulls my mouth towards his in a gentle kiss.  “I love you.”

“I love you.”  I peck his lips once more before turning away from him and leaving the courtroom.   I manage to make it out perfectly fine until I reach the lobby.  Before I could even step a foot near the security screening area, flashes begin to take place as voices…endless voices shout my name.  I drop my head and try to move through the gates but I can’t from the mob.  I hesitate and step back as I quickly look around for a cleared exit but I’m trapped.

How I hate this.

“I got you Mrs. Black.”  A firm voice is next to me as a strong hand is placed against the top of my back.  I keep my head down as another strong voice shouts and moves in front of me while making a path for me to walk through.  I don’t really know where I am going but I am confident that the men guiding me are leading me in the right direction.  We stumble through thick crowds as we come across the towncar waiting for me at the curb.  Quickly, they manage to get the door open and shield me as I jump in and hide my face from the flashes still happening.

“This is absolutely ridiculous.”  I shout angrily as I throw my purse down on the seat.

“You’re clear.”  I hear them shout as they tap the roof of the car and the vehicle begins to move slowly from the crowd of journalists.   I finally feel the car moving quicker as I close my eyes and breathe in deeply.  Tears fall within seconds as I stare out at the window, crossing my arms across my stomach.  How could this be our life?  How could we have come to this?

“Are you alright Dr. Evans?”  I look up and notice Bob’s eyes in the rear view mirror.

“I’m fine Bob…thank you for asking.”  I wipe my eyes and look for my sunglasses in my purse.  Placing them on, I look out the window again and clear my throat to speak.  “Thank you for everything.”

“No problem at all Ma’am.”  I smile and shake my head.

“Bob…Marlena, please.”  I remind him again…we’ve been down this road before yet he still feels the need to address me properly.

“Apologies Marlena.”

“I can’t wait for this all to be over.”  I sigh and shake my head.  “I’m just so tired…I’m tired of it all.”

“I understand Ma’am….Marlena.”  I smile at his correction.  “It will be over soon.”  I make a face and tighten my fingers in a ball.

“I hope so.”

“Stay positive.”  He smiles in the mirror and begins to turn the wheel.   “We’re almost home where Prince Damian awaits your arrival.”  Laughing, I smooth my hair down my sides and turn to my purse.  Reaching inside for my phone, I notice a missed call from Mama.  I suck in my lips and look through my voicemail to see if I have a message from her.  Nothing.

Hitting her name, I place the phone to my ear as I wait to hear her voice.  After four rings, I am rewarded with that sound I love so much.  Daddy.

“Hi Daddy.”

“My doll…how are you?”

“I’m good.  How are you?  What are you doing?”

“Oh you know, the usual.  Dr. Phil, cutting lawn, trimming bushes…”

“Dr. Phil?  Really Daddy?”  We both laugh…it feels good to have a genuine laugh.

“You know darling girl, you can’t be the only psychiatrist I love.”

“I know daddy but Dr. Phil?”

“He solves many many issues.”

“No, he causes them.  I truly believe people are normal until they go on his show and speak with him.”  We both laugh again as my father sighs.

“How are you holding up sweetheart?”  He sounds concerned.  I almost want to cry, but I won’t.

“I’m okay.  I’m trying.”  I hold back that cry and bite my lip…I feel those tears in my throat.

“I know baby…it’s going to work out.”

“I hope so Daddy…I really hope so.”

“It will.  I know my son in law….he wouldn’t do that.  It’s a setup.”  I feel tears falling down my cheeks.

“I know.”  I sniff back some tears and wipe my face.  “So, where is Mama? I’m assuming she called me.”

I hear him laugh into the phone.  “What if I told you it was me that called?”

“I’d say you were telling another one of your stories again.”  Smiling, I pick at my nail and notice the street we are on.  Almost home.

“Well…you’re right.  Mama did call…and I would pass the phone but she isn’t here.  She went to the market.  I will have her call you when she returns.”

“Everything okay?”  I’m almost too jumpy when I ask.  I can’t handle another heartbreak right now.

“Yeah everything is fine.”

We finish up our call with a promise that Mama would call me back later today.  I place the phone back in purse and places a gentle hand on Bob’s shoulder when he opens my door and helps me out the car.  I thank him again and smile sincerely before walking towards the townhome and to my front doors.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I stare at Damian as he sleeps peacefully in his bed, holding his bear tightly to him.  My fingers skim across his dark hair, circling around stands of hair that wisp across his forehead.  Leaning down, I inhale his scent and press tiny kisses along the crown of his head.  “I love you so much, my baby boy.”  I whisper quiet words as he squeezes his bear tighter, popping his lips gently while snuggling more into his pillow.

Standing up, I adjust his blanket across his body and step away from the bed when I’m positive he is fully asleep.  Flicking on his night light, I glance at him once more before closing his door slightly.  I glance at my watch and notice the time…it’s late enough for John not to be home yet.  Heading down the stairs…I reach the kitchen when I see John standing there, holding a glass of dark liquid in his hand.

“You’re home.”  My eyes fall to his glass.  “Scotch?”

“Brandy.”

I make a face as he smirks, putting the glass to his lips.  “Wow, that’s new.”

“I needed a change.”

I nod and walk towards him, pulling him close to me in a tight hug while sighing into his chest.  “How are you?”

“Shitty.”  I close my eyes and listen to his heart….slow beating.

“I can imagine.”  I pull back to look into his eyes.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”  Simply put.  He moves the glass to the counter and places both hands on my face.  “I don’t really want to talk.”  He places a kiss against my lips.  It’s not heavy.  It’s not passionate.  It’s a small innocent kiss.  Almost weak.

“I understand.”  I hold him tightly again while resting my head against his chest.  “Do you want me to draw you a bath?”

“A bath?”  He giggles while I place a kiss against his shirt clad chest.

“Yes, it will relax you.”  Looking up at him, I starting undoing his tie and loosening it from his neck, pulling it slowly from the collar.  “Well?”

“I don’t know…”  He shakes his head and looks around the room.  This is odd.

“You don’t know?”  I turn my head so that our eyes meet again.

“How about a quick shower instead.”

I hesitate for a second but nod.  “Okay…”  I step back and take his tie with me.  “I will go start it up for you.”

When John gets upstairs, he quickly sheds his clothing and throws it in the hamper while stepping past me and opening the glass shower door.  The water falls around him as it beads on his skin and the steam rises around him.  I watch him awkwardly, wondering why he is so closed off.

Stupid me, how could I be so thoughtless.  Of course he is drained…of course his mind is preoccupied.  It was a horrible day today, one I know he doesn’t really want to discuss.

I leave the bathroom quietly and head to the walk in closet where I begin to undress from my slacks that I am still wearing since court.  I have no idea why I never changed, I guess my mind is elsewhere too.  Sliding my bra off, I throw it into the basket and slip into my long black nightgown.  Walking into the bedroom, I pull the thick fluffed comforter back and sit at the edge as I lotion my hands and arms.

Our eyes meet when John exits the bathroom, a towel tied at his waist…his hair slick back and beads of water still present on his skin. I continue to lotion my hands but my eyes never leave his as he walks towards me, slowly.  I’m looking up at him when he stands in front of me, neither of us still saying a word.

He makes the first move when his mouth skims across mine..in the most gentlest of kisses.  His kisses still feel weak.  We stay locked in the exchange, neither of us moving our hands toward one another.  Perhaps he just needs this simple affection.

His tongue begins to probe against my lips, digging until it reaches the inside of my mouth.  Lightly moaning against his mouth, I tilt my head further back as I slowly place an arm around his neck while he firmly plants his hands on each side of me, against the mattress.

The mood changes quickly and he suddenly becomes aggressive as his hands grasp my hips and lifts me further up the bed.  His hands tug on my gown and pull the bottom hem line up my legs until it rests along my thighs.  He nips at my lips as he parts my legs, grabbing my hips and sliding them toward him, back towards the edge where I was not even a moment ago.

“John?”

“Shhh….”  He plunges his tongue into my mouth as I cry carelessly against his lips.  The straps of my gown fall down my shoulders as our mouths battle for control while his fingers begin to dance under the fabric along my thighs.  I moan when he touches parts that make me quiver against his body.  His left hand runs down my neck and shoulder until it moves across my chest, pulling our mouths apart.  He lowers my torso down on the bed while lifting my gown over my stomach.  I feel the tug against my hips before I watch him lift my legs and my panties slide up and off each limb.

Still without words, we watch each other as he parts my legs again.  Arched before him, he stares at me and then down my thighs until his eyes lock on my treasure he seems to want.  He licks his lips and his hands fall to his towel as he tugs on the wet material, pulling it from his body and letting it fall to the floor.

My eyes fall towards the obvious…something I can’t help but smile for.  He takes one of my legs and lifts it up, pressing kisses along the heated flesh before placing it in the crook of his arm.  When his body leans over me, he brings my leg with him as it arches up against my shoulder.  I manage to get my hand on him and my nails skim across the soft hair of his chest.  Our mouths simply peck as we stare into each other’s eyes when I feel him poking, teasing, rubbing.

I close my eyes and prepare myself for him, my hand pressing against the back of his neck while my nails tug on his short wet hair.

I breathe him in, waiting for the moment he joins us together.  I only open my eyes when I feel him pull back and release my leg a bit.  “What?”

“Your phone.”

“What?”  I’m confused as I stare up at him…unsure of what he is talking about.

“Your phone is ringing.”  He turns to look at the phone on the nightstand and smiles awkwardly.  “Perfect timing.”  He hands me the phone and I look at the screen.  “Your mother’s calling.”  Before I could even protest and ignore the call, he reaches down to grab his towel, kisses my head clumsily and walks away.

Shaking my head in frustration, I hit accept and place the phone to my ear, while lowering my gown down.

“Mama, your timing is impeccable.”

XLII.

I must say….I’ve come a long way from my former, uptight, neatly kept life.  The prestigious life of Dr. Marlena Evans….the prim and proper penthouse that was always immaculate.  There wasn’t one item in that house that had gone askew…everything was in order and neat.  I knew where every piece was, and I certainly knew when something had broke.  And now…I’ve transformed into a very different person.  A person I would have never recognized 5 years ago.   Suddenly, things break in my home and I have no idea they are missing or no longer existent until weeks later.

I’m not complaining…

I’ve grown quite fond of the daily noises that occur in our chaotic lives.  I think I would be lost without them now.  I cherish the squeals my child does…even the cries that break my heart.  Damian has done something to me that I can’t even begin to explain but I like to believe he has changed me for the better.  I don’t want to remember what it was like without him…It seems so foreign now.

The very thought of not feeling a careless toddler climbing and clawing at me early in the morning, waking me from my very much needed sleep, scares me.  I love that about him…or the beautiful sweet kisses he sneakily gives when he casually looks up from his toys, just to remind me how much he loves me.  How did I get through our life before without him?  How boring it seems now.

My eyes watch Damian as he sits back on his small sock clad feet while flipping through a colorful book, taking pieces of his cheerios from his tiny blue bowl and clumsily placing small bits in his mouth.  Of course…a few tend to miss his mouth completely and fall onto the floor.  I smile and shake my head, the patience I have learned is truly an accomplishment that should deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.  Had this been the Marlena from a decade ago, I would have snatched that bowl from him before he even had a chance to put his hand in it.

“Sweetheart, you dropped a few pieces.”  I point towards the ground as he follows my finger.

“I so swilly.”  He laughs and places a hand on his forehead dramatically.  He must have learned that from me.

“That you are…but you’re my silly boy.”  I smile happily as I bring my hot steamy mug to my lips, sipping carefully.   The intense flavor of the liquid stimulates my senses and I close my eyes to enjoy the drink.

“I see you two are way ahead of me.”  I open my eyes and see John walking towards the counter, throwing his jacket onto a chair with his back to me…as he opens the cabinet and pulls out a mug.  Already dressed in his very well tailored suit, he  stands tall while finicking with some items at the counter.  Grabbing a K-cup flavor of his choice, he places it in the machine and hits a button as he turns towards me…smiling gently.  “Did you sleep well?”

I nod and take another slow sip.  “I did…I would ask how you slept but it would be a silly question considering you were snoring away the entire night.”

“I was not.”

“I love how people deny they do certain things in their sleep when they would absolutely have no way of knowing it.”

He makes a face and tilts his head.  “I would know if I was snoring.”

I shake my head slowly and laugh softly.  “No you wouldn’t….because if you did…we wouldn’t be standing here discussing this.”  He reaches for his mug and blows gently against the rim before he puts it to his lips.

“What time did you go to bed?”

“Not long after you knocked out.”  I swat him on his behind with the newspaper that I grab for him, as I’m heading towards Damian.  Grabbing his bowl, I turn towards the counter to refill it when Damian shouts out that he doesn’t want anymore.

“I wan to pay ouswide.”

“It’s a bit early honey.  We have to get you ready because you’re going to Belle’s today, remember?”  He stares at me, unsure of how he should react to my suggestion.  “How about we read the book for a bit, then get you ready so we can go to Belle’s and then we can play when we come back home?”  He shakes his head, clearly disagreeing with my suggestion.

“Daddy?”

He shakes his head and looks at the clock.  “Daddy has to go to work Buddy.”  Work…his definition of court when it comes to our son.  “I will play with you as soon I get back….it will be a short day, okay?”  He shakes his head again.

“Damian, sweetie…..we will definitely play as soon as we get home, okay? Finish up your book and let Mommy and Daddy finish our conversation so we can get you ready and over to your sister’s house.”  He turns back to his book as I sigh and reach for my mug again.

“I don’t remember you coming to bed?”  I smile and shake my head tiredly.

“It literally was about 15 minutes after I took the call.  Clearly someone was tired.”

“I really was.”

“Obviously.”  I stress the word and turn towards our son when I hear him close the book and jump to his feet.  He darts off when I stop him by calling out to him.  “Where are you going?”

“My woom.”

“For?”

“My toys.”  I nod as he runs off towards the staircase.

“No running on the stairs, Damian.”

“Tay.”  John and I lock eyes again.

“So what did Martha want?”  My eyes lift to his face as he studies my features.  I suck in my lip and bring the mug closer to my lips as I mumble my answer.

“She and Daddy are coming to visit…she says hi.”  I ramble these words so quickly that I wonder if he heard me.

His face drops as I quickly drink my coffee while he places his mug down.

“Marlena…no, no, no.  Are you joking?”

“Why would I joke?”

“Doc…come on.  You know, It’s not a good time.”

“I know that…don’t you think I told her that?”  I’m sure he must know I am not that dense to invite her casually.

“Did you stress it?”

“Would you consider me telling her not to come as stressing the issue?”

His face stiffens as his posture locks.  “And she still insists?”

“Yep.”  I have another sip…the enjoyment of my morning drug now gone.

“Well…this is just fantastic.”  He throws the coffee out in the sink, leaving his mug in there as well.  “Call her and cancel.”

“I tried John.”

“Try again.”  He reaches for his jacket on the chair and throws it on.

“They are arriving tomorrow morning, by the way.”

“What?”  His eyes nearly pop out of his head as he looks around the room.  “Where are they going to stay?  We have no room here…this isn’t even our home.”

He is treating me like a fool.  “You don’t say?”  I stare at him until he senses that I am slowly becoming irritated by his remarks and attitude.  “They said they would stay in a hotel.”

“This is unbelievable.”

“It gets better.”  I walk up to him and place my hands on the lapels of his jacket, adjusting them neatly.  “I told them that they will stay with us…here.”

“Marlena…”  He closes his eyes and I know he is upset.

“It’s for the best John.  I don’t need them to be harassed with the media.”

“We don’t have room.”

“We will make room.”  I am quick to try and solve this issue.

“Where?”  He pulls away from me and my hands fall away.

“They can sleep in Damian’s room and Damian will sleep with us.”

“I can’t believe this.”  He looks at his watch and turns away from me.  “I have to go….what time

will you be at court?”

“I should be there in an hour.”  He nods and runs his hands tiredly over his face.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.”  Without any hugs or kisses, he walks away from me and yells for Damian as he explains he is leaving.  Damian hollers from upstairs as John heads out the door, leaving me alone in the kitchen, pondering what to do next.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I’d like to put this into evidence your honor?”  The prosecuting lawyers hold up a book as the judge grants approval.   The book lists all records of transactions, appointments, and contact information of companies that Basic Black had done business with.

I cross my legs tightly as I try my best not to fidget in my chair which is increasingly growing uncomfortable.  The room begins to feel a bit too hot again as I discreetly fan myself with a piece of paper that I pull out of my purse while searching for something to help with the heat flash.  Opening the folded paper, I glance at it as I quickly read through it.  The flight information for my parents that  Belle handed to me as I was on my way out from dropping off Damian at her home.  ‘Grandma told me to print this for you.’

I smirk at the thought because Belle simply could have forwarded the information to my email which would have then bounced to my phone.

“Your honor, the defense would like to request a continuance until Monday morning?”

“Grounds?”

“Given that the defense was just informed of this last minute witness and with it being very little notice….we were unable to seek the proper information for the prosecution’s first witness.  Considering the short time frame we have available for the day, we are requesting a continuance until Monday morning so that we may thoroughly investigate their background and fully  prepare for the witness.”

“Request Granted.  The Court will resume Monday morning at 9 o’clock AM.  Court is adjourned.”  The judge taps his gavel against the desk as he rises while we all stand to wait for his departure.  Once the judge has disappeared into his chambers, John turns and looks at me quietly…his face coated with exhaustion.

I don’t bother going up to him as I am sure his team of attorneys are about to pull him into a whole other conversation that does not involve me.  I reach for my purse and begin to turn away when I hear him call my name.  He holds up a finger to his lawyers as he moves towards me, resting his hand on my arm when he pulls me closer to him.

“Hungry?”

I make a face and squint my eyes in disagreement while shaking my head.  “Not really.  I don’t have much of an appetite.”

“Well you have to eat.”

I shrug my shoulders as I sigh quietly.  “What do you want to eat?”

“Not sure…give me a second.  Don’t go anywhere…we’ll leave together.”  I watch as he goes back to his lawyers and chats with them for a a few minutes before shaking their hands and joining me as we walk out the courtroom together.

A restaurant was really out the question as I was not in the mood to sit at a public place while being watched.  These days, any outing with John tends to draw attention and make headlines.   So I wasn’t shocked when John had the driver pull through a drive thru and order some quick meal while handing a few bills to him to pay for the order.

15 minutes later, we walk into the quiet townhome as John places down an empty bag on the counter top.

“That was good.”  I nod quietly and grab the bag, throwing it away in the trash bin that is hidden in one of the large cabinets.

“I can tell.  Someone couldn’t wait until we arrived at the house.”

“I would have if you planned to eat with me.”  His tone is weak…as if he feels bad.

“I’m not hungry.”  I start moving dishes into the dishwasher as he watches me closely.  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“No reason….”  He steps away for a second only to stop and come back towards me.  “Are you feeling alright?”

“Fine.”  I look up to meet his eyes while smiling to lighten up the moment.  “I need to start cleaning up Damian’s room…I need to get it ready.”

“When are they arriving again?”  You can tell his excitement is just on overload by his uninterested tone.

“Tomorrow morning.  Try to contain your excitement.”  He throws his hands up in the air slightly as he makes a face.

“My excitement has me on pins and needles.”

“John, I know you aren’t happy about this but maybe this could be a good thing.  We need a bit of normalcy around here again.”

“Yes, definitely normal with a trial going on, media attention, and our little private hideaway here.  Fantastic.”  He makes an ‘ok’ gesture with his hand and turns away from me, heading towards the staircase.

I decide to clean up a bit around the kitchen and wipe the counter tops, giving him some space that I am sure he needs.  After about 20 minutes, I feel its safe enough to go up to him…I can’t imagine that he is completely upset with me.

When I pass the master bedroom, I see him laying on the bed, one hand resting behind his head while the other holds a control and resting it along his chest.  He seems comfortable in bed as his body sinks into the puffy comfortable, his ankles crossed while he seems completely engrossed into whatever he is watching.

Deciding to leave him be, I head to Damian’s room to start picking up toys and straightening up the room.   On my knees, I begin placing toys and stuffed animals into a large toy bin.  Surprisingly, the room is actually quite in order with the exception of his toys laying around.   Crawling over towards the bed, I start pulling sheets from the full size mattress that should have no problem holding both my parents.  At least that is what I choose to believe.  Last time I checked, they weren’t sleeping in a king size bed back at home.

While tugging the sheets, I pull the pillows onto the floor and remove the comforter, folding it neatly in the process.  When I begin to pull the fitted sheet from the mattress, I feel John’s hand stop me as it lays against my hand.  I look up quickly and in confusion as he stands still…and quiet.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you downstairs.”

“Don’t apologize.  I know you’re not yourself.”  I try to go back to the task at hand but he stops me yet again.   “John, it’s okay.”

“No it’s not.  I shouldn’t be treating you this way.”  He moves his hands under my arms and pulls me up to my feet gently.  “I don’t want to take my anger out on you.”  He closes his eyes and breathes deeply.  “The last thing I want is to hurt you.”

I’m confused by his comment.  “You’re not hurting me.”

“Well I’m not treating you the way you should be treated.”

I look at him, unsure of what is happening here.  “Where is this coming from?”

His hands move to my face, moving my hair so that the strands are not resting along my cheeks.  “It’s coming from deep down inside where this horrible guilt is building.”

“Why?  It really is no big deal John.”

His fingers slide across my cheeks and then to the back of my ears as he pulls my face closer to his.  “I know…I just don’t want to leave things bad with us.”  I stare up at him, unsure of how else I can put into words that he hasn’t offended me.  “I love you.”  His lips move in close and are a breath away from mine as I shake my head, trying to back away slightly.

“John?”

“Shhhhh…”  He shakes his head and his eyes darken as they shift into mere slits.  “No more talking.”  I watch his mouth move closer to mine.  My eyes close softly when his mouth touches mine, at first so softly that I have to wonder if he has pulled away from me.  Those thoughts disappear when I feel him release his breath and it skims past my lips into my mouth.  The pressure of his mouth falls heavily against mine as I moan quietly against his tongue that has now made its way into mouth.

“John, wait…wait.”  I try to turn my mouth but he holds my face still.  Not forcefully, but strong enough to keep me locked into his kiss.

“Just kiss me.”  He nips at my lips while his fingers start caressing my hair, combing through strands until the pad of his fingers press into my scalp.  I softly moan against his lips as my breathing increases.  Pressing my hands against his back, I pull him close to me as he now begins to wrap his arms around me.

Before I could even begin to think about stopping him, I feel his hands beginning to unbutton my blouse as I start to pull back.  “Not in here John.  Let’s go to the bedroom.”  I try nudging his body backwards so that we can leave this room but he firmly remains planted in his spot.

“Right here.”  His lips travel to my neck as his teeth begin to skim my flesh while sucking gently.

“No, I can’t.  Not in here.”  I close my eyes and shake my head softly.

“Right here.”  He bites my neck and I cry out in shock.

“John, Damian sleeps in here.  It feels weird…I’m not comfortable.”

His mouth disappears and his dark blue eyes are suddenly staring right through me when we lock eyes on each other.  “It’s not like Damian is here.  Just relax…and let me do all the work.”  His fingers begin to move quickly against the buttons on my blouse before he shoves the material over my shoulders and down my arms.

“Take me to our room, please.”  I decide to try a different technique….hoping that will work.

“I’m going to take you….but it will be right here, and right now.”  Our mouths lock agressively as we stumble over the folded comforter on the floor.

“John?”

“Doc…starting tomorrow…I won’t be able to have a second alone with you.  With Damian sleeping with us…we won’t have this opportunity, so let me do this.”  He nips my lower lip.  “I’ll do all the work, you just lay back for me….and spread these gorgeous long legs of yours.”  He smiles so sexy that it’s impossible for me to turn away.

“Not on the bed.”  He begins undoing the button on my pants as I watch him pull the zipper down.

“On the bed, with your legs around me.”  He’s quick to pull me into his arms and take my mouth in a heavy kiss.  He guides us back and slowly lowers us down onto Damian’s bed, making sure not to bump my head against the wall.

“Sweetie….”

“Doc…shhhh.”  He laughs against my chest as he begins to massage my skin with his tongue.  I’m shocked I still have a bra on.

“It’s not what you think.  Hold on…”

He makes a face when he looks up at me.  “Really?”

“Just one quick thing before I forget and then we can go back to this.”

“Yes…”

“Yes what?”

“Yes, meaning go on….come on, Doc.”

“Oh…” I smile and try to get comfortable on the bed.  “Can you move this bed when we’re done.  I don’t want it against the wall when my parents come.”

“Fine.”  He tugs my hips lower towards the edge of the bed.  “Now no more talking.”  By the time his last word slips from his mouth, I feel my pants being tugged down my hips roughly, as well as my panties.  Everything appears to be moving around us too quickly as I see him toss my garments on the floor while he starts yanking at his belt and button on his slacks.

His mouth is lingering against the skin of my inner thighs as he arches and spreads my legs while he struggles with his pants…at least from the sounds of it, I assume that is what he is doing.   His thick fingers slide between my sex as I gasp and shut my eyes, loving the feeling of his fingertips pressing against my sensitive nerves.

“John, baby….”  I groan his name as I shut my eyes in pleasure, curling my toes against the mattress.

I feel his fingers press into the back of my thighs as my legs lift up and further apart, pushing them further back until my knees come close to my chest.  His tongue overtakes my senses as I feel it quiver across my sex, sending shock waves throughout my body.  I shake beneath him as I hum out, licking my lips from the connection of his mouth.

It doesn’t take long before his tongue starts to dig deeper and all I could do is crumble beneath him as his tongue dives into my body quickly, twirling in circles once it enters me.  I can barely contain myself and I find myself choking on his name as I grip his head with my hand, twisting my fingers into his short hair.

He pulls away when my body stiffens and I flinch from the excruciating pleasurable pain that is overtaking my body.  I don’t have to beg because he’s already positioning himself on his knees, holding my thighs apart.  I barely notice that his shirt is still on and unbuttoned.  I know I didn’t do that.

My eyes follow his hands as I watch him rub himself slowly, leaning in to press his erection against my swollen nub.  When the tip of him makes contact with my oversensitive button, I literally cry out as I shiver again.  “Don’t tease me.”

“I’m not…”

“You are…just do it already.”

“Do what?”  He half smiles as he presses himself against me again.  My eyes clench shut as I curl my hands into what’s left of the fitted sheet along the bed.

“John…”

“Tell me.”

“Just….make love to me already.”

“Is that what you want?”  He leans over my body, his chest leaning against mine.  His lips take mine in the softest of kisses.  “You want me to make love to you?”

“Yes.”

“Really…”  He bites my lower lip and sucks it into his mouth.

“Don’t you?”  I’m breathless and anxious as I press my feet into his backside.

“I was thinking something more along the lines of fucking you.”  He whispers the last words as he grinds himself roughly against me.

“John…”  I moan and grasp his face with both of my hands.

“Do you want me to?”  I feel his tip moving to my entrance.  “Do you?”

“I do…”

“You do what?”

“I…”  He is moving further into me.  “I need you to…”  He slips in more.  “Fuck me…”  I swallow the skin on his neck as I hold his body close when he completely pushes into my body.

At first, he isn’t rough and he does slow deep thrusts, taking his time to bury himself inside.  He moves so slow that I can feel every ridge of him as he glides along my grooves, sending chills up my spine.  My lips mumble his name against his neck as his fingers tangle into my hair, cradling my head as he gently pushes into my body.

The thought of being in our son’s bed isn’t far from my mind as every time I open my eyes and look around, I see signs of him everywhere.  From his small little shoes sitting on a toy box to his jacket hanging on a doorknob of the closet door.  Perhaps his scent along this bed is another thing that keeps me thinking of him.  I’m losing the urge to go on even though John is doing a wonderful job.

It’s almost as if John feels my hesitation as he pulls up and looks down at me.  Grabbing me under my knees, he presses his fingers into my skin as he scoots me over the edge of the bed.  Now I know…it’s about to get rough.

He plunges into me quickly, both of us groaning loudly as I place my hands above me, pressing my hands into the wall to protect me from what is about to happen.  Without warning, he begins pounding into me aggressively, sending my body rocking up towards the wall which my hands are now supporting.

The thrusts are aggressive and I’m almost worried about the pain I am going to feel later on tonight but apparently I’m not concerned enough to stop him.  I urge him on as I attempt to meet his thrusts by lifting my hips.

“Harder baby.”  I close my eyes when he pushes even more…if that’s possible.  “John…don’t stop.”  I can barely catch my breath with all the panting I am doing.

I manage to open my eyes a bit and look up at him….he’s trying his best to keep up his pace.  With a hint of a crimson glow, sweat forming along his crown and his eyes barely open….I know he is close.  He grits his teeth every now and then and growls my name as he plunges deeper and harder.  His shirt is clinging to his arms and I am absolutely shocked he hasn’t removed it yet.

“Doc baby….”  His voice is cracking….he’s there.

I release my legs from his hold and move my hips up and away.  I sit up and push his chest a bit.  He doesn’t say anything, I think he knows what I am about to do.

Aggressively, I snatch his shirt off his shoulders and rip it from his arms while throwing it on the floor to join my clothes.   I crawl off the bed and slide down on his lap, hovering over him.  His fingers run under the straps of my bra, toying with them.

“I want this off.”

I swat his hands away and turn him so that his back is resting against the bed.  “No…”

“Come on.”  He tried to pull the lace cups over my breasts but I push his hands away.

“Leave it.”  I move his hands to my hips.  “Grab me here.”  I move one hand behind me so that he cups tightly.  “And touch me here.”  I guide his other hand to my centre where his fingers fall to my swollen lips.  I close my eyes and sigh when they start to wiggle across my sex.  “Just like that.”  Lifting my hips just enough, his erection finds its own way without help from either of us.

Within seconds, he’s back inside, buried deeply as I rock above him.  Throwing my head back, my hair tickles my back as it dances along my skin.  I hear him grunt as I bounce my hips quicker, placing my hands behind him and squeezing the edge of the mattress.

“Does this feel good?”  I move my mouth over his as I speak these words.

“God…you know it does.”  His tongue darts out to tease me.

“Am I that good?”  I smile weakly, trying to catch my breath but continuing the quick rocking.

“You don’t need to ask.”  He closes his eyes and moves his fingers faster between us.

It’s over for me.  I close my eyes and cry out his name loudly…moaning inaudible things throughout this room as I release myself into this pleasurable paradise he has sent me to.

“I love you….”  I keep repeating this…over and over again.  It almost sounds as if I am whining the way I am saying it.  I feel him yank my hair back, exposing my neck to him.  With both hands on my backside, he rocks me even harder above him as he lifts his hips quickly.  I haven’t finished coming down from my sexual haze when I feel him applying more pressure against my centre from his pubic bone.  And like magic, my body caves and another intense wave hits me again as I scream his name even louder, falling against his body.  I can’t even hold myself up….I’m completely done.

All my energy is gone as I lay against him, his body still pumping furiously beneath me.  Within seconds, I hear him moan my name and sigh that he loves me when his warm fluid flows through me.  I squeeze him tighter, pressing my teeth into his neck as he continues to lazily pump beneath me, squeezing my hips in his hands until it’s over.  When we’re spent and our hips can no longer shift…I breathe his scent in as I close my eyes and treasure this moment.

I can barely lift my head, and he can barely move me off of him.  I know that I don’t want to move but that dull ache between my thighs is taking place.  That ache that signals your legs have been open too long…yeah, that’s happening right now and it’s not comfortable.

“I love you baby.”  John breaks the silence as we both attempt to regain our breathing to somewhat normal paces.  It isn’t working.

“I love you.”  I move my mouth to his as we slowly kiss.  “I won’t lose you.”  Sadness starts to creep into this moment…something I was trying to hold back.

He can’t speak…he only smiles sadly as he pulls me close and holds me tight.  “Let’s just deal with right now…that’s all that matters.”  His eyes meet mine and I nod sadly, holding him tight until the real world calls for us again…when we have no choice but to let go.  Until then, I’ll keep him as close as I physically can for as long as I can….because right now we need nothing more but each other and this moment.

XLIII.

I can’t express the joy that I felt the minute I saw my parents walk through my front door.  It hadn’t been that long since I last seen them but so much had changed since they left.  There had been John’s issue with Basic Black…the arrest…the trial…the media…the move.  It’s obviously not the most joyous of occasions but it was life…it was something that was handed to us that we must deal with.

My arms went tightly around my mother…holding her fiercely to the point where she whispered that I was squeezing too tight.  I laughed and pulled away, kissing her cheek in the process.  Daddy was next and he allowed me to hold him close, never voicing his discomfort from my strong arms around his back.  When we pulled away, he held my face and smiled, asking how things have been.

I knew they knew about the Basic Black situation but I don’t believe they knew the extent of it all.  They certainly didn’t know about Kim and the baby scandal…to which I had no intention on mentioning it.  It’s not important, considering the case is about to be dismissed anyway.

John hugged Daddy close as he pat his back, in appreciation for their support.  Mama kissed John on the cheek and told him that they would do anything they could to help out to which John nodded gratefully.  We all smiled and waited for the next big moment…when Damian ran into the room jumping in Mama’s arms.  She picked up, slowly because of his weight and then pulled him tightly against her chest.  She kissed his head repeatedly as she held his face close to her neck, closing her eyes and smiling happily.  ‘My boy…how I’ve missed you.’

He squealed and attempted to wrap his tiny legs around mama as she bounced him happily in her arms.  When Daddy finally stepped in, he grabbed Damian and kissed his forehead, patting his behind.  ‘You have gotten so big since we last saw you.’  Damian expressed how old he was now to which we all laughed.

I gave them a quick tour of our new home…well temporary home anyway.  Of course, they had questions.  I answered them as non-chalently as I could, explaining that it was too keep Damian away from the media attention.  They understood and thankfully didn’t ask anymore questions, at least for that moment.

We walked the kitchen area, the living room area before showing them where the closets, laundry room, and guest bathroom were on the bottom floor.  I pointed out the basement but mentioned there was really nothing down there other than storage.  We headed upstairs where I showed them to their room…Damian’s old room.  They asked about Damian and his sleeping arrangements.  My answer was simple; with us.

They didn’t want to impose and suggested that Damian sleep with them to which I quickly dismissed the idea.  I know my child, and I don’t need my parents being kicked in the ribs or face multiple times during the night.

After they settled in and put their belongings away in both the bedroom and bathroom, a quick lunch was in order before my parents would go off to see Sami, Belle and Brady.   It was such good times to be sitting all together, happily and laughing.   How I treasure moments like these…how I craved some level of normalcy.

I had so much work to catch up after they left, so I had John take Damian out to play…he needed to burn some of that energy.  My poor child is cooped up in a house all day and at times, I feel guilty because he needs to run, he needs to jump…he needs activity in his life other than books, TV, and games.

The day had gotten away so quickly that by the time my parents returned, it had been late in the night.  They retired to bed and John and Damian had passed out in our bedroom upstairs.    I felt guilty not spending time with my boys but I managed to finish all the files I needed, so that tomorrow was completely for them.

Morning came much too quickly with Damian jumping on the bed, pouncing along my stomach to wake me from my sleep.  I grab one of the many pillows on our bed and covered my face but he’s quick to snatch it away and laugh.

“Mommmmmyyyy.”  His voice is much too cheerful.  “”Good Morning.”  He squeals with happiness as I peek to the side to glance at the clock.  With one eye open, I notice the awful numbers staring back at me.

“Damian, sweetheart…it’s 6am.  Have you lost your mind? Please go back to sleep.”

“I can’t Mommy.  I up.”  He throws his hands up and bounces up and down again on my stomach.

“Damian please stop.  You’re pushing on Mommy’s bladder.”  I turn towards John who is completely passed out onto his stomach, his face buried in the pillow.  “Go jump on your father.”

“Otay.”  He hops off me and lands right on John’s back, pretending as if he was a horse.  “Wake up Daddy. Peaaassss.”  I see John’s eyes blink heavily as I fight my smile and turn my head away.

“Good Morning John.  Your son wants you.”

“Nope…he wanted you first.  I’m not deaf.”  I feel John shift in bed as he turns around and grabs Damian by his waist, lifting him up.  “Good Morning Kid.  Don’t you think it’s a bit too early to be up?”

“No.”  The way he says that to John makes me want to giggle.

“I think so.”

“I hungree.”

“How about you sleep for like an hour more and then we will all get up and have some pancakes?  How does that sound?”

“No deal.”  I laugh because I can’t hold it anymore.  John looks towards me with a tired face as he places Damian into my spot.

“Well…he’s all yours.  Goodnight.”  John lays back down as I pull the covers off me. “Damian, jump on your dad a bit more.  Mommy needs to use the potty and then we will go downstairs and put some food into that tummy of yours.

I’m not shocked when I get downstairs with a very active pajama clad toddler who springs from my arms once we reach the bottom step.  The smell of food fills the house as I walk slowly towards the kitchen, where my son has already beat me to it.  He jumps happily, chanting for his grandma while Daddy sips his coffee, reading a paper.

“Good Morning Mama and Daddy.”

“Good morning darling.  How did you sleep?”

“Oh just as good as to be expected with a certain person kicking in their sleep.”

“John?”  Daddy looks to me and I laugh.

“Your grandson Daddy.”

“Let him sleep with us…I’m sure he will be just fine.”

“No..no…he is a wild sleeper.  It’s fine.”

“Baby doll…it’s fine.  We don’t mind our grandchild in bed with us.”  Daddy plays with Damian’s hair as he tries to climb up on the chair.

“I know you don’t…but I prefer he sleep with us, okay?”

My dad holds his hands up defensively, as if to say he gives up on the conversation we are having.  Mama looks to me before turning back to the stove.

“Hungry?”  I walk over to the stove to see what she is making.

“Not really but your baby over there is.”

“Well, I will feed him.  Why don’t you relax.”

“Mama…it’s fine.  I can do it.”

“It’s a grandmother’s job to spoil her grandchild and since I don’t see him often, let me cater to him.”

“Okay, okay…fine.”  I smile and kiss her cheek while reaching for a mug.  “What’s on your agenda today?”

“Nothing really, we were just planning to stay in today and be with Damian.”

“I see.  You don’t want to go shopping or sight seeing?”

“No.  We’ll be in Salem for a while so need to rush everything in one day.”

I nod and begin to make my coffee when I hear heavy footsteps coming down the stairs.  John walks into the kitchen as he and Daddy exchange morning pleasantries before walking over to me to peck my lips and then mama’s cheek.

“I knew I smelled food and I knew it couldn’t be my wife.”   I stop what I am doing and my eyes fall to his face.  That is the first time I have heard him call me his wife since we have been back together.  I stop my tongue from saying ex when he smiles softly at me.

We all eat breakfast before Mama goes up to give Damian a bath while I take care of the dishes and clean up in the kitchen.  Daddy and John talk about the case which I am sure is not John’s favorite topic.  They spend quite a bit of time together while I sneak away and go to start gathering some laundry into a basket.  I’ve been slacking on the chore and I’ve held off as much as I could.

When I get back downstairs, Daddy excuses himself to go upstairs while Mama and Damian are hot on my heels.  Mama offers to help but I bribe her into keeping Damian occupied instead which she happily obliged.  John pecks my cheek and claims he is going to a quick run around the neighborhood which completely throws me off.  Since when has he done that since we’ve been here?

I get caught up in the laundry and begin handling all the washing and drying, losing track of time.  I know John came back rather quickly and Daddy was building something upstairs for Damian?  It must be a toy they bought him because I can’t imagine what else needed to be assembled that John and I have already bought him.

I can hear Damian laughing, telling mama it’s her turn as she laughs with him.  I can only assume he has her wrapped in some game.  My hands tiredly fold the clothes in front of me when I feel John’s hands slowly touch my waist as his chest presses gently against my back.  I smile and allow myself to rest in his arms as I still continue to fold clothes.  His lips skim across the side of my neck and clasp onto the bottom of my ear as I squirm and move my head away.

“John…”  I warn him as I try to move out of his embrace but he pulls me tighter.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just trying to do laundry.”

“I’m not stopping you.”  His hands begin to roam across my stomach as they slowly skim below my belly button and onto the waistband of my pants.

“John.”  I move quickly so that his hands fall away but he is quick to move them back against my stomach and roughly pull me towards him again.  “Stop it.”

“No.”  He bites my ear gently as I close my eyes and sigh.

“John…I mean it.  Stop.  My parents are here.”

“I know.”  He continues to kiss my skin as I attempt to move away once more.  “Don’t move.”  I can feel him push himself behind me and the unmistakable bulge presses against my backside.

“John.”  One of his hands moves towards mine and he gently forces the material from my hand, pressing our hands together against the cool metal of the washer.  He uses this as leverage as he stands behind me and slowly grinds into my backside.  “John…stop.”  I have to whisper with my mother and son only rooms away.

“The door is closed.”

“And I don’t care.”

“Shhhh….”  His lips slowly clasp onto my skin and I move and turn around quickly. His hands are quick as they yank my waist to him and his mouth presses against my lips.  We fall into the washer as we both tangle our lips together, kissing furiously as my arm wraps around his neck.

“I can’t do this.”  I whisper against his lips as he eyes me slowly before allowing one hand to skim down my body.

“Yes you can.”  I close my eyes when I feel his hand run down my body and back to my waistband.  He doesn’t say another word, he simply watches me when our eyes lock and I feel his hand slide into my yoga pants.  I heavily shut my eyes and reopen them slightly when I hear him tell me to open my eyes.

His fingers move seductively across my sex until he reaches down a bit more.

“Open your legs.”

“I can’t.”  I cry quietly.

“You can.”  He guides them open slightly and moves his hand down until his fingers cup my moist centre.  He begins to dig gently as I sigh and then quickly bite my lip to stop any sounds.  I feel him wiggling his fingers back and forth, stroking me and applying pressure when needed.  My body shivers from the touch and I drop Damian’s shirt from my hand as I clasp onto the edge of the washer.  Without words, he pulls his hand away and turns me around, facing me towards the washer.

All sounds around me are faded as I hear the washer spinning and the hum from the dryer.  I feel John’s hand slide back in front of me and into my pants as I drop my head forward, closing my eyes.  His fingers move back to where they were only moments before and slide back into my secret garden.  This time, I feel his finger part me where is slides gently up and down my hooded nub.  He flicks it and then presses against it as I bite my lower lip roughly, determined not to make any noise.  One peep and it could be all over for us…not to mention humiliating.

He presses his lips to the back of my neck when he moves my hair out the way.  One hand moves to my breasts and squeezes gently while the other hand is buried into my body.  His fingers push into my opening and slowly, tenderly, lovingly, does he stroke my insides.  His fingers on my breast massage my nipple through the fabric of my shirt as his other fingers move at the same pace.

I whisper his name longingly as he begins to add speed to his lower hand.  I reach up and grab his hand at my breast and squeeze hard as he moves faster.  I not far from exploding and I’m really not ready to either…I don’t want it to be this way.

It’s almost as if we shared the same thoughts because he slows down and then moves his hands away.  With wet fingers, he pulls them up towards me and before I could imagine what’s next, I feel his mouth biting my neck.  Within seconds, he releases my neck and moves his fingers into his mouth, sucking gently while still massaging my chest.

I can barely contain myself and I pretty much forget about my family outside of the laundry room door.  My eyes fall heavy when I feel him move both hands at my waist and slowly pull my pants and panties down, resting them at the tops of my thighs.

“I usually want you completely nude but we don’t have that luxury.”  He smiles against my jaw.  I can hear him fumbling with his jeans and the jingle of his belt.

I can’t describe that feeling of pleasure you get when you feel that piece of him slide near you…on you…in you.  That full throbbing piece of him that belongs to me, and only me.  I feel him slide down my backside, rubbing himself between the small crevice that form from my closed thighs and centre.

His hand presses against my back gently as it guides me forward, leaning me against the washer quietly.   I suck in my lips and prepare myself when I feel him at my entrance.

The small thrust he gives pushes him inside gently, partially….giving me enough time to accept him at this angle.  I know it’s going to be quick….there is no way we could take our time here.

I feel him lean against my body, pressing his mouth at the top my of back.  “You ready?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

That’s all it takes and I feel him slide completely in, which causes me to hiss in pleasure.  He stops and holds himself inside…to which I assume is more for him than me.

I brace my hands against the cool metal and wait for him to make his next move.  He doesn’t disappoint and I feel him moving against me, slowly at first.  I close my eyes and feel him throbbing against my sensitive walls.  Our bodies begin to collide which causes some noise.

I remember trying to slow him down to stop the sounds but he wouldn’t….I knew better.  My ears rang from the sounds happening all around me…from him to the machines to my child playing in our living room with his grandfather.

I don’t know how I could go on when all I hear is my mother talking and laughing but it fueled my desire, as sick as that may sound.  I felt him pushing harder which shifted my body forward from the force.  One hand pressed against my waist, guiding my body while the other went into my hair and yanked softly.

I could hear his low grunts, I could hear his harsh breathing.  I could even hear my small whimpers that I’m almost positive no one else can hear.  I hear our skin frantically colliding with each thrust.  My stomach feels as if it’s falling and my legs begin to shake from the intense pleasure points that are vibrating in my body.

I lift up and hold myself up, arching my back which puts pressure on our lower regions.  He growls and thrusts harder as I bite my lip to the point where I feel it may bleed.  “John….”  I whisper his name, unable to handle him anymore.  It’s over for me.

His right hand skims up my neck and the same fingers that were inside me, go into my mouth to stop me from moaning.  I suck frantically and then bite when he hits a spot inside that makes me want to crumble in front of him.

He moves his fingers from mouth and grasps my neck as he continues to push inside my body with force that I drop my head and cry out quietly.  My knuckles turn white from the intense grip I have on the edge of the washer.

I feel as if I could die satisfied in his arms as he pushes so intensely that I feel he may have hit my cervix.  My heart drops when I hear my father’s voice….he’s asking about me, he asking where I am.

My mother tells him that I am doing laundry and should be in the room.  I’m not sure if John hears but he moves so quick that I bite at my wrist when he continually slams against that pleasure point inside my body.  My knees buckle and my body trembles as I feel my body free falling, the intense rush of my orgasm flowing through my entire body.  For the first time ever, do I stay completely quiet during such an intense orgasm…that has never happened to me before.

Within seconds, I feel him release himself as his hot fluid pours through me, leaving traces of him behind….his imprints in the most private parts of my body.

We stay locked for a minute, both of us trying desperately to regain our breathing and get our heartbeats to a normal pace.

The door opens to the laundry room and I look up, tiredly at my father.

“Marlena, honey…I was calling for you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry Daddy…I didn’t hear you with all the noise in here.”  Folding the last of the clothes, I put it in the basket and lift it up on my hip.

“Sweetheart, are you alright?  You’re all red?”

I can’t control my temperature and I’m sure my hue just got a bit more brighter from embarrassment.  “You know, its a bit hot in here.  I was about to call it quits anyway, thankfully I’m done.”

“Yeah..come on.  Damian’s hungry…Lunch is on us.”

“Okay…sounds good.”  I follow him out the door but stop and turn around.  “It’s safe to come out now, Dear.”  I smile when I see John’s head pop from around the little nook in the corner.  I wink at him and blow a kiss while adjusting the basket at my hip.

My mind flashes back with thoughts of him from just 2 minutes…of him pulling away from me and quickly adjusting his clothing while I pulled my pants up and smoothed my hair down.  I watched as he scrambled to a corner as we heard my father’s voice get closer.

I can’t help but laugh and shake my head while looking at John who is walking towards me.  He lovingly pecks my lips as I mouth the words that I Love him before leaving the room and heading upstairs.

XLIV.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to stop what I am doing and thank God for my life.  It hasn’t been perfect but its been a wonderful experience.  There are so many others out there who are given the life that none of us would wish on our enemies and yet, I am so blessed to be loved by so many people, people who I can’t imagine being without.  My large circle of family and friends keep me sane just when I think the ground from underneath me caves.  I couldn’t imagine my world without them in it….my parents play a very big role in that.

My life also revolves around that special little someone…that small individual who is sitting on the floor staring up at me as I finish brushing my recently highlighted hair.  I wasn’t so sure at first about the lighter streaks but it seems to balance out beautifully with the lightened blonde hair now.  My attention turns to my small child as he is holding his puzzle and looking back and forth between me and the board.   I smile at him through the mirror, winking my eye and telling him to give me a few more minutes.

I had been in the midst of getting ready for an evening out with John.  It’s amazing that we can actually still have that with everything going on in his case.  I choose to believe he likes to grant me some sort of sanity in all this and I truly appreciate the loving gesture.   Apparently, there was a birthday party happening in downtown Salem…a masquerade themed party for Kate.  Of course, she isn’t my favorite person and even though years have passed since that not so fabulous time, she is still not on my list of high priorities these days.  So, I wasn’t crazy when John mentioned the party to me.  I only stared at him when he spoke of this evening, doing his best to work up the excitement for the evening.   Without words, I made expressions as I busied myself around the kitchen as he explained that we had been invited and it would be nice to get out.

I wasn’t interested, he was.  Somehow my parents got involved and now I am here….in my bathroom, getting ready.  Damian came into the bathroom as I was leaning over the counter, trying to smudge my eye makeup and making sure it was even.  He threw himself into the back of my legs as I yelped and quickly laughed while he asked me what I was doing.

“Mommy, we gone to pway?”

“Do you mean are we going to play?”  He nods happily and smiles brightly.  “Yes my precious little one.  But Mommy needs to finish up here first, okay?  Give me two minutes.”  I hold up two fingers as he nods and begins moving pieces off the board.  “Sweetheart, don’t do that in here.  We can work on this in the bedroom.”  He begins picking up his pieces as he balances the board and the items he has picked up.  I watch him walk out the room and hear the sound of him throwing the pieces on the floor.  Smiling, I shake my head and finish brushing out my curls so that my hair falls into bouncy feathered strands along my shoulders and back.

Walking into the bedroom, I tightened the sash on my robe as Damian looks up and smiles, pointing at the pieces scattered on the floor.  “Look Mommy.”

“I see that baby.  You ready?”  I lift my eyebrows as I kneel along the ground and then sit sideways as my legs curl to the side of me.  Balancing myself on one arm, I point at one piece and ask him where should we place that.  Within seconds, he begins moving the pieces quickly around the board, paying careful attention to where they should be.  I barely have to  assist him as he bites his lower lip in determination.  Sometimes, he licks his lips as he struggles to figure out a solution, which is exactly what I do when I am concentrating on something.

“Mommy…I doing it.”  He says happily as he bounces on his little legs while I look along, pointing at other pieces.

“I see baby.  What about that one?”  I hand him another piece and he tries to fit it into a spot that doesn’t quite work.  “Nope, I don’t think that works honey.  Try another spot.”  He moves his hands with determination until he finds the spot and then lets out a bubbly laugh.  “My smart boy.”  I kiss the top of his head as he continues to put the puzzle together.  Within seconds, he has it completed and I happily cheer him on, clapping my hands in excitement that he did that all by himself.  “Mommy is so proud of you baby.”

I softly tap my fingernail gently against my lips as I ask for a kiss and he happily obliges as he throws himself into me, slightly throwing me off balance.  I laugh as I pull him into my arms and squeeze him tight, biting my lower lip from the cuteness of my child.

“Mommy loves you so much, do you know that?”

“Yesh.”  He places another kiss on my face as he pulls away, rubbing his little hand along my cheek.  This makes me laugh because that is such a John Black trait that was passed on to him.  “You look pwetty Mommy.”

“Aw, do I baby?  Thank you.  You know your opinion is the only one that matters to me.”  I kiss him again and he hugs me quickly before asking if we can do another puzzle.  “We can but it will have to be quick sweetheart because Mommy needs to get ready.”  He nods and begins to get up when John walks through the bedroom door and we both look up.

“Well, well….how come I was not invited to the puzzle party?”  John smiles as I laugh and look at Damian, shrugging my shoulders.

“You want to pway too Daddy?”  Damian looks up as he starts to bounce on his legs.

“I would love to Son.”

“Well good…because Mommy needs to get ready and mommies take longer times to get ready.”  Damian looks to me as he shakes his head in disagreement.  “Daddy will play with you on this new puzzle.  Mommy played with the first one and Daddy is going to feel left out.”

“Bof of you pway with me.”  I look to John for help as he nods.

“Son, I’m hurt.  You let Mommy play with you all alone but you won’t play with me?  We’re men…we are supposed to bond kiddo.”  He lightly pinches his cheek as Damian laughs and nods.

“Otay den.”  I close my eyes tightly in relief and stand up, holding the ends of my robe together.  Damian walks out as I begin to walk to the closet but John’s hand reaches out and grabs the back of belt on my robe, lightly stopping me and pulling me to him.

“Where do you think you are going without saying hello?”

I laugh against his lips as my head turns sideways to meet his kiss.  “I’m sorry, where are my manners?”

“That’s exactly what I want to know.”  He pecks my lips again as I turn away quickly and try to move away.

“Your son will be back any minute now and I have to get ready.  And you are going to ruin my makeup.”

“You have makeup on?”  I stop and look at him sarcastically as he laughs, waving his hand in front of me.  “I’m just kidding, relax.”

~*~

“You look beautiful.”  I shake my head and smile.  The elevator beeps as we rise to the top floor of a newly designed building in downtown Salem.  Why of course, it is so like Kate to pick something so extravagant.

“I feel ridiculous.”  I run my hand down my dress as I look to him and begin adjusting his bow tie.  “Whatever happened to being casual at a party?”

“Since when is Kate Roberts casual?”  I smirk and finish up on his tie.

“True.”  I reach up and tug on his mask sitting on his head.  “Are you planning to put that on now?”

“Are you?”  He puts his hands on my waist and pulls me to his body as he dips his face to my neck, inhaling me softly.  “You smell so damn good.”

“I bet you say that to all the ladies.”  I laugh as I run my hand down his chest, pulling away gently.  “Stop it, we have a party to get to.”

“I really like this dress.  Is it new?”  His eyes move to my chest and then down my body.

“Kind of.  I bought it a while ago and never wore it.”  I glance down and make sure I am all in order.  The dress is quite beautiful and somewhat fitting on the torso, barely leaving enough room to breathe.  It hugs my breast well, not exposing too much but flirtatious enough.  It’s almost reminds me of how the cut of my wedding gown was along the chest area.  The straps along my shoulders are decorated with light beading that is also scattered around the torso area. The dress is somewhat fitted along the hips until it reaches mid pelvis then begins to flare loosely, almost as if a sheet was draped around me.  A front slit exposes my entire leg from my upper thigh all the way down to my strappy open toed black stilettos.

“Well I absolutely love it.  It looks so good on you baby.”

“You’re biased.”  I smile and lower my Black and Silver mask along my eyes.  The elevator doors open as John reaches for my hand and walks ahead of me, with me following his lead.   When we walk, the loose material of the bottom of my gown blows with the wind and loosely flows behind me, exposing my leg even more.   I try not to focus on most of the looks we receive and I keep my eyes forward as John makes his way through the heavy crowd in front of us.

We quickly bump into Bo and Hope…before Abe and Lexie join us as well.  We exchange hugs and kisses and quickly fall into easy conversation.  I’m grateful for the quick company as we begin to compliment our gowns and masks while the boys discuss things that couldn’t interest us even if our lives depended on it.

“Marlena, I absolutely love this gown.  Where did you get it?”  Hope asks as she tries to spin me in a circle while I grab the back of the gown and lift it so I don’t trip.

“Oh I had it, I just never wore it.”

“You had this sitting in your closet?”  Lexie laughs as she fingers the beading on my gown.

“Yes, you should see the amounts of crap sitting in my closet.  Ridiculous.”  I smile as John leans in and hands me a glass of champagne.  Pecking my lips, I smile and thank him before taking a sip of the bubbly liquid.   “Oh wow, this is really good.”

“It really is.  But you didn’t think for one minute that we would have cheap drinks did you?”  Hope arches an eyebrow as I laugh and shake my head.

“Silly me.”  We all drink before Lexie chimes in.

“I’m so getting drunk tonight.”  I glance at her and completely break down in laughter as she holds up the glass.  “You don’t understand…I can’t remember the last time I actually kicked back.  I need it.”

“Yes my darling…you do.  You work too hard not to have a drink.”  I lift my glass to toast to her.

“Or two.”  Hope speaks up as she tosses back her drink.

“Are you trying to get drunk too?”

“Aren’t you?”  Hope’s eyes twinkle as I shake my head and giggle.

“I have a toddler at home, who is just waiting to jump on me at the first sign of dawn.”

“Damian?”

“What other toddler do I have Hope?”

“Well…he isn’t the only one waiting to jump on you.”  She laughs uncontrollably as I make a face and join her laughter, shaking my head and taking another sip.

“You’re unbelievable.”

“You deserve a good time…drink up.  Besides your parents are in town…I am so sure they will take over.”

Nodding, I look to John who is in deep conversation with Bo and Abe.  “True…but still.  I don’t want to throw up.”  Snickering, I feel Lexie put a hand on my arm.

“Well, don’t drink that much, but enough to have a good time.”

“Have you seen Kate yet?”  I look around the room at everyone dressed at their finest, with beautiful masks adorning their faces.

“Yep.”  They both smile in unison as they look curiously at me.  “Are you going to go say hi?”

“I wasn’t born in a hole somewhere.  Of course I am going to say hi.  What kind of human being do you think I am?”

Lexie leans in to my ear as she whispers carefully.  “A normal one.”

I slant my mouth and shrug.  “I wouldn’t be here if I still harbored those feelings.”

“You look way better than her anyway.”  Hope eyes me up and down and then back to the party.

“Hope.”  I say incredulously as she tosses her shoulders back and moves her hair behind her ear.

“It’s true.”

I feel his hands go around my waist and pull me close to his body as he pecks my neck and looks at the girls.  “What are you ladies talking about.”

“Girl stuff.”  I quickly answer as they all nod.  “We should probably go look for Kate.”  He pats my stomach and agrees as he reaches for my hand.  “Ladies, we shall return.”

We walk around the room for a bit before we finally spot Kate and make our way over to her.  Her gown is extremely very Kate fitting as I eye her slowly.  Her black fitting mermaid cut gown is absolutely stunning as well as her jewelry.  She cheers when she sees both of us and scrambles up to us, throwing her arms around John first before leaning towards me to peck my cheek.

“Thank you so much for attending.  Marlena, you look absolutely beautiful.”

“Thank you Kate.  You look gorgeous.”  I smile politely as she thanks me and asks how we are doing.  I can’t help but feel that she is talking more to John then with me.  Looking around the room without being too obvious, I listen to their conversation, joining in here and there so it doesn’t seem too awkward.

“Marlena…I want to introduce you to someone.”  She reaches for my hand as if we are the best of friends still and attempts to pull me her way.

“Who am I meeting?”  I try to sound interested but God help me, I could care less.

“My friend, Stephen.”

“Oh…okay.”  I turn to look at John in confusion and he nods cluelessly and turns  to talk to someone who has reached out to him.  We walk across the room as we come across this tall, handsome man.  She quickly introduces and he reaches his hand out, introducing himself.  I take his hand carefully and smile politely, introducing myself as well.  Kate looks between us two and then excuses herself.

I turn and watch her walk away until Stephen begins speaking which brings my attention back to him.  He begins asking me about my career and then goes into his.  I can’t help but wonder why we are actually having this conversation as it seems odd that we are even meeting.

“So, I apologize in advance but….are you and Kate seeing each other?”

“No, no…she is a good friend.  She told me so much about you though.”

I must make a face because he laughs and I press my lips in a straight line.  “She did, hmm.”

“She did.  She said you’re a very good friend of hers and a very well known psychiatrist.”

“Well isn’t that sweet of her.”  I nod and look back to see where she is.

“Yes, she is a wonderful woman.  I’m sure, not as wonderful as you.”

I shift and look to him quickly as he lifts his mask and rubs his skin where the mask was rubbing.  “You hardly know me Mister?”

“It’s Rowland but please call me…Stephen.”

“Stephen.”  I smile kindly as he nods.

“True but I do hope I get the opportunity.”

“Hmmm.”  I bite my lower lip and shake my head lightly.  “Well Stephen that is very kind but unfortunately, I am quite the busy person these days and do not socialize much.”

“I understand.  Surely you may some time open for maybe a quick lunch?  Perhaps dinner if you have the availability. ”

I try my best to be proper and I smile appreciatively at his suggestion but gently decline his offer by shaking my head.  “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“I see.”

“I’m not sure if Kate told you…but I am involved with someone.”   I feel the need to go there because I am completely confused about this whole entire situation.

“You are?”  He looks just as confused as I am now.   I simply nod apologetically and he smiles sincerely, taking a long sip of drink.  I assume he is embarrassed.   “I’m sorry, she never told me that.  She simply said I had to meet you and that we may have something in common.”

I have no choice but to laugh because I really don’t want to get upset.   Why would she even do that?  “What would that be?”

“I can assume she meant that we both had successful careers and we were both single.”

“Oh…”  I drop my eyes to the ground as I move my foot along the floor, suddenly feeling as if I am stepping on a pebble of some sort.  “Well that isn’t the case…but it was very nice meeting you.”  I reach out to shake his hand again as he takes it politely, smiling beautifully at me.  If it wasn’t for John, he appears to be someone I would like to get to know.

“Dr. Evans, a pleasure.  If anything ever changes down the road…”  He lifts my hand to kiss it but I hesitate.

“And what changes might that be?”

I glance behind me as I see John walk up, placing a protective hand at my back as he stands tall next to me.  He eyes this mysterious man as he possessively holds me, making sure that there is no confusion about who I belong to.

“Honey, hi.  I’d like you to meet Stephen.  Stephen Rowland.”

John looks quietly along before he extends his hand to this man as Stephen looks to me and then at John.  “Stephen, how are you?  I’m…”

“Say no more.  John Black.”  He says in awe as he takes John’s hand and shakes it strongly.  “Very nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”  John looks to me as he smirks and then back at Stephen.  “I see you have met Marlena.”

“I have.”  He says weakly as he swallows the liquid harshly.  “Wonderful woman.”

“Isn’t she?”  John pulls at my waist and towards him as I smile uncomfortably.  I hate when he gets this way.  “I’m a lucky man.”

“That you are.”  Stephen isn’t even trying to compete but John can’t help but accept this as a challenge.

“Sweetie, how about a drink?”  I try to distract John as he nods at this man and then reaches for my hand.

“Of course.  Stephen..it’s been a pleasure.  See you around.”  Stephen only smiles as I smile back, exchanging goodbyes as well before walking off behind John.

John’s grip is intense as he pulls me through the crowd, refusing to release his hold on me.  My fingers ache from the pressure as I grab his wrist with my other hand and pull him slightly.  “John, you’re holding me too tight.”  His eyes turn to me as he sort of loosens his hold but doesn’t let go.

When we reach the bar, he orders our drinks and then leans against the counter as he looks at me.  “Who was he?”  His voice is low, anger coating his words.

“I have no clue.”  It’s the truth.

“What do you mean you have no clue?”  His jaw is stiff as he stares at me, his chest rising with each breath he takes.

“Exactly what I said.  Your good friend, Katherine, introduced me to him and walked away.”

“Oh come on.”  He turns his face and grabs the drinks.

“Oh so you think I’m lying now?”  He hands me my glass as I hold it tightly while he lifts his glass of scotch.

“I think its just funny that you were allowing some stranger to kiss your hand.”

“I wasn’t allowing it John….he caught me off guard.  I was already leaving.”

“Looks like it.”  He brings the glass to his lips and takes a large gulp.

Placing my glass down on the counter, I lean close to him.  “Look, I don’t want to argue so can we not do this here.”  He doesn’t answer me, he only stares at me.  I leave my untouched glass on the counter and walk away from him….making my way back to the girls.  If it was up to me, I would gladly leave right now but I might as well make the best of it.

~*~

“Where are we going?”  I stare out the window as John ignores me.

We are still tense from the party and I’d be a fool to think John would relax after that debacle with Stephen.  Whenever it comes to other men and me, John will not take that lightly and becomes a stubborn bastard.  We tried our best to enjoy ourselves and in fact, we stayed a lot longer than I expected.  We drank, well he did.  We ate…we talked with others.  We laughed…we even slow danced a few songs.  Personally, I think we slow danced to keep up appearances and not show our frustration with one another.  Then of course, we all sang happy birthday to John’s former lover before we decided to leave for the night.

“Are you going to answer me?”  I finally turn to him and stare at him as he shakes his head and continues to look out the window.  “John?”  I’m getting upset…my voice is showing signs of it.

The car stops and I turn to look out the window.  Without words, John exits the car and closes the door behind him as he walks around and pulls open my door, stopping our driver from doing it.  He reaches for my hand but I ignore it and slowly climb out.  Looking around, I notice the large building in front of us.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Let’s go.”  He reaches for my hand and hands a bill to our driver.  Shockingly, it’s not our usual driver.

“No, what are we doing?”  I stop him and pull him back as he turns to me quietly and stares at me.  His face is still tense.

“Just come with me.”  He pulls my hand again but I don’t budge.

“John, no.  I want to go home.”  Its not too late but I don’t feel the need to be out and I certainly do not what the media to get any ideas that we are out and about on a night on the town.

“Marlena.”  He keeps his voice low as he says my name in a warning tone.  “Please come with me.”

Giving up on fighting with him outside, I slowly follow him as I notice our car pull away.  I’m completely confused as I shake my head and continue to walk behind him.  He leads us to an elevator and hits the button as we wait quietly.  I still have no idea what in hell we are doing.

When we get inside, he stands near me but continues to look straight ahead as I fidget alongside of him.  The elevator dings as I glance at the number.  25th floor.

We exit the elevator and John walks us to the only double door room on the floor as I look around in confusion.  What in hell are we doing here? I decide to speak up again. “John, what are we doing?”

“Going to our room.”

“Our room?”  I try to turn him to look at me as he removes the card from his pocket.  “What do you mean our room?  We’re not staying here tonight.”

“We are.”

“No.”  Firmly, I remove my hand from his hold as I turn to move back towards the elevator.  “Damian is waiting for us.”

“Doc, wait.”  He grabs my wrist and turns me towards him as I stop midstep.  “I arranged this already with your parents.  It was my little surprise.”

“This?”  I gesture toward the hotel hallway.  “This was your surprise? Why?”

“Because I just wanted to have some time alone with my wife.”  He stops quickly and I stare at him in shock…once again thrown off by the title.

“I’m not your wife.”

“You know what I mean.”

I shrug and make a face.  “I rather be home with my child.”

“Marlena, please…”  He holds his hand out for me to take it.  “It’s not often I get to be alone with you.”

“To be honest John, I truly have no urge to spend time alone with you.  After tonight’s events and your attitude, I think we are better off at home.”

“Marlena…”

“No.”  I shake my head and remain determined to leave.  “I’m not having sex with you.”

His face freezes as he almost flinches from the words I just said.  When I don’t see him shift towards me, I turn from him and walk to the elevator hitting the button.  “Doc.”  He’s angry.

“I’m not discussing this anymore.  You can stay here, I’ll catch a cab home.”  The elevator dings and the doors open as I am about to step in.  I barely get one foot in when I feel my body jerk back and lift off the ground.  I’m immediately tossed over his shoulder as I slap my hand across his back as he quickly swipes the card at the door and enters the suite. “John.”

When we’re inside, he kicks the door closed and hastily walks to the bedroom.  Tossing me down along the bed, he rips his jacket off his body as I try to sit up.

“You’re mine tonight and you’re not leaving.”

XLV.

There are times when it’s best to keep quiet and go with the flow…that’s at least what I keep telling myself at this very moment.  I can honestly say that I’ve never liked this side of John Black.   I’ve never been a fan of his jealousy nor have we actually accomplished anything whenever he gets into these moods.   I absolutely hate the man that appears when he goes into a raging fit because he can’t control his emotions whenever he feels he is losing control of a situation.  The loving, caring, and devoted husband and father that longs to be with his family and protects them from all harm suddenly disappears and is replaced with some sexually starved maniac that can barely see straight much less control his ridiculous actions.

The overprotective nurturing father who is overwhelmed by our baby suddenly could give a damn about our child’s whereabouts or his concerns that his parents will not be coming home tonight.  I’m not okay with it and I’m determined to actually get home…regardless of the fight I have to put up with.

When I try endlessly to crawl away from his hands that press into my skin, he pulls me back and bites at my flesh, sucking in pieces of skin as I grunt in frustration.  It’s not that I wouldn’t mind making love…I just don’t understand why we couldn’t do this at home.  I understand he wanted a night alone with me…all to himself.  I understand this was part of a surprise and that he worked this out with my parents, but I am not okay with it.  Perhaps I am just uncomfortable with the idea that my parents know exactly what is happening in this hotel room for the night.  Sure, we have a child and they clearly know we have sex but I don’t like to welcome that thought.

It’s impossible to ignore the pleasurable fingers that tingle across my skin as John kisses roughly against my neck.  I could so attempt to push at him again but my battle would be defeated quickly from the amount of power he has over me.  I don’t mean that sexually…not entirely.  More so psychically.   I do want to fight him but I have a feeling it would be a waste of breath.  When he gets into these moods, there really is no stopping him and sometimes its easier to just ride the wave instead of fighting against it.

I convince myself that if I cave now, perhaps we won’t have to spend an entire night here.  We could maybe just have sex and then head home.  I could also be fooling myself…in fact, I know I am.   My body is already beginning to shiver beneath his touch and constant kisses.

Without really knowing, my hands rise and begin to rub his covered arms before they skim to his chest and slide down.  My nails drag across his shirt as he leans up and looks down at me, watching me closely to see if I am actually falling under his spell or if I am actually creating another diversion.  When our eyes meet, he notices the heavy eyelids and the sexual glaze beginning to coat my eyes.   I’m so obvious its ridiculous.

Our mouths meet in a tender kiss as we lightly suck in our lips before applying more pressure to the kiss.  When we breath into each other’s mouths, we slightly turn our heads and passionately take in our lips.  Our tongues begin to collide gently as his hand sneaks beneath my head and fingers spread throughout my hair, lifting my head and pressing me more into his mouth.  His body leans down against me as I lift my exposed leg from the slit of the dress and press it against his  back, careful to not press the heel of my shoe into him.  I feel his hips press down against me and I gasp into his mouth, squeezing my fingers into his arm.

“Have you given up the fight?”  His words are heavy when he mumbles this against my lips once our kiss breaks.

I sigh and smile weakly as I skim my nails down his neck while he continues to gently grind against me which causes me to close my eyes.   “What makes you think that?”  Breathlessly, I whisper this as I tilt my head back when his lips skim across my neck.  I breathe his name and hold his head still by grasping his hair when he repeatedly presses open mouth kisses against the spot that makes me quiver.

“You have…haven’t you?”

“John…baby.”  My eyes flutter from the passion coursing through my veins.  I attempt to press my leg into him again but instead I lift it and arch it against his torso.  My legs have yet to be completely open to him and he is actually leaning down along my body.  I’m tempted to loosen my other leg so that I can wrap my legs around him completely but his weight is overwhelming.

When his lips pull away, he presses his hands into the mattress and pushes himself up from me.  Leaving me alone along the bed, he stands to his feet and starts removing his jacket.  I watch with heavy eyes as he undoes his tux tie and throw it along the ground and then unbuttoning his vest.  All the while, I lift my leg and rub the heel of my shoe along his abs as he smiles and grasps my ankle after tossing his vest to the ground.   Lifting my leg, he presses a kiss at my ankle where the strap is buckled and begins skimming his lips down my calf.  His tongue slips out and traces moist paths down my skin until he falls to his knees and angles my leg so that he bites at my inner thigh.  I cry out when he presses rough kisses along the sensitive skin there yet I don’t stop him as he continues his journey further up.

My body feels faint when his lips skim across the silk fabric of my panties and his fingers dance along my thighs while opening them up further and holding them still.  His face presses down between my legs as I lift my head up to glance at him.

“John.”  I attempt to gain control of my breathing but he doesn’t stop from toying with me.  He simply applies pressure against my panties with his tongue but has not attempted to remove them from me.

My hips begin to move on their own against his mouth, gently, with each swipe of his tongue.  I’m positive that he can feel the moistness that I am building against the fabric as he presses his mouth to me.

“You have to stop.”  Breathless and panting, I try to move my legs from his hold as he pulls up and stares at me, knowing exactly what I want next.

“Tell me what you want baby?”

“You.”  I sit up and my fingers move instantly to his shirt, quickly undoing the buttons in the process.  His hands fall to head and his fingers caress my scalp after they bury themselves into my long waved hair.  He holds my still as my hands finally release the last button and I tear the shirt open and down his shoulders.

My fingers then move quick towards his belt where I undo it and flick open the button of his trousers, lowering the zipper.  I can barely contain myself as I reach my hand in and press my palm against his building erection.  He breathes roughly as I shape my hand as much as I possibly could through his fitted boxers.  I look up and stare at him as I continually rub up and down while he unconsciously rolls his hips in front of me.  Leaning down, I kiss him through the fabric of his boxers as he grunts and thrusts towards my mouth.

Smiling, I move the waistband down until I see the swollen tip poking out.  Licking my lips, I lean down and circle my tongue against him as he presses tighter into my hair while tossing his head back.

“Doc…”

“Shhh…”  I continue to move my mouth further down, bringing his boxers with me.  I am still not able to get a complete hold but it’s enough to tease him.  For minutes, do I slide my mouth down him and swirl my tongue around him as I come back to the top.  I’m not trying to make him climax but I’m desperately trying to work him up to the point of no control.

The look in his eyes tells me I am done playing this game when he backs away from me and drops his hands to his side.  Crouching down, he starts untying his shoes and quickly kicks out of them.  Without words, his hands move to my legs and he slides his palms up my thighs slowly until the disappear under my dress.  Feeling his fingertips hook into my panties, I slightly lift up to help as he begins to slide them down my body and down the length of my legs until he places them along the floor with his other things.  Leaning up, he grabs my face and heavily kisses me until I can’t breathe anymore.

“I’m going to make you scream tonight and we won’t have to worry about anyone hearing us.”  He bites my lip as he presses his forehead against mine while trying to control himself.

“So sure of yourself, aren’t we Mr. Black.”  I smile and bite at him.

He winks at me before another kiss falls against my mouth as his fingers begin moving straps from my shoulders.  Blindingly, his hands fall to the back of my dress as he looks for a zipper.  When he find it, he begins lowering it down slowly as we continue to kiss without regard for expensive material possibly being torn in the process of removing my gown.   When the dress is loose, he pulls it down my chest and from my waist while pressing me back against the bed.

He manages to slide the dress down my hips and onto a chair in the corner of the room.

“Thank you for not putting it on the floor.”

He laughs as he grabs my legs and lifts them, pulling my hips towards the edge of the bed.   “I know how finicky you get with your outfits.”

I’m completely nude with the exception of my shoes as he grabs my legs and spreads them slowly while falling back to his knees.  Placing a leg on each shoulder, he leans in and takes full control of my centre as I arch my head back and cry his name while my body shakes against his mouth.

Constant plunges and swipes are felt as my body overheats from the magic he is making between my legs.  I feel my stomach boiling with an intense heat before his mouth disappears and he stands back up, lowering his pants and boxers to the floor.  He kicks out of them before sliding his socks off and then grabbing my legs again.

“My shoes.”  I move my foot so that he can unbuckle the strap but he shakes his head at me.

“I want them on.”

“What?”  I ask surprised as he smiles and leans down and over me to reach for something above me.  In the process, I lick his chest and neck until he pulls away and hands me my mask from earlier.

“Put this on.”

“Are you joking?”

“No.”  He shakes his head as he turns and looks at the floor.  Reaching down, he grabs his and starts to slide it on his head and over his eyes.

I can honestly say that I have never been turned on by role playing or costumes when it came down to having sex.  For me, I would rather just get to the point.  But as I stare up at this man wearing a dark eye mask, completely toned and chiseled…tanned slick skin…its impossible not to be seduced.  My eyes fall to his well endowed manhood as it stands tall and waiting for my next move.

Without another word, I slide my mask on and wait for his next move.  He climbs over me, spreading my legs in the process as he runs his mouth across my skin, from my chest to my mouth.  He toys with my lips and darts his tongue out while tracing my lips until he takes control of my mouth again in a deep kiss.  For a few seconds, we kiss until I start feeling him poking at my centre.  I sigh into his mouth as he slides his organ against my folds, making sure to press himself against my nerve bundle that I cry against his mouth.

I quickly push him up and turn him so that he falls on his back while I quickly climb over him.  He stares up at me as his hands quickly fall to my waist and run their way up, capturing my breasts.  Squeezing them together, he massages them as I dip my head back and apply pressure against our sexes.  I feel him lift up and bump into me but never penetrating me.  I’m more than ready but I feel the need to seduce him more…if possible.  I slowly grind my hips against him as I reach up and place my hands over his as they mold against my breasts.  Closing my eyes, I urge him to squeeze harder as my hips move with each movement he makes with his fingers.

Turning my head back slightly, I glance and see his clothing on the floor.  Biting my lip gently, I lift up and slowly crawl down him, taking my mouth with me as I trace his skin, tenderly nipping in certain spots.  When I reach his penis, I let my tongue skim against it as he flinches and his organ suddenly jumps from the pleasurable contact.  Skimming my nails down his pelvis and to his thighs, I inch down towards the floor until my hand leaves his skin and blindingly searches for his tie.  When I have it in my possession, I stand and stare at him, watching him.

His breathing his heavy, his chest is rising and falling quickly, his thick muscle is standing tall between us…begging to be touched.

Crawling over him, I spread my legs and slowly straddle him while motioning with my legs for him to move toward the middle of the bed.  When he follows, I clumsily follow him until his head is inches from the headboard.  His hands instantly fall to my thighs but I shake my head and pull back.  Reaching down, I grab both wrists and life them up above his head.

Tying his wrists together quickly and tightly, I weave the material around the iron framework of the headboard as he stares up at me through his mask.

“I don’t like to be tied down.”  He grunts as he tries to lift his hips into me.

Moaning quietly, I hum out his name as I press my hands into his chest, lightly scraping at his chest hair.  “Too bad.”

“I won’t be able to give you what you want.”

“I don’t care.”  I purposely rub myself against his swollen body part as he grits his teeth and thrusts up.   “Tonight…”

“Doc.”

“Shh…”  I hush him and apply more pressure with our hips as he tenses again.  “Tonight, I’m going to fuck you until you faint in exhaustion.”  I whisper seductively as I reach down and pull him in my hand.  Slowly rubbing along his thick muscle, I squeeze to apply small pressure before leading him to me.  He pants my name and I shush him again until I feel the beginning of him slide in.

“Oh baby.”  He sighs as I gasp softly when he begins to slowly slide inside and fill me inch by inch.  My body feels faint as tingles, small tingles surrounds every point in my body.  I’m certain my body develops a red hue from the excitement rushing through my veins.

I don’t speak…I only rock very slowly above him.  He follows my moves, not bothering to lose control like I expected him to.  That’s surprising actually.  He stares up at me through his mask and butterflies fill my stomach.  The mask is heavy along my cheek bones and eyes but I assume I must look sexy in it, the way he is moaning beneath me.

Placing one hand on abdomen and the other falling against his upper thigh…I lean back slightly and rock my hips forward, which applies massive pressure within my walls.  I cry out his name as I continue to thrust, careful not to scrape my heels into his thighs.  His name falls endlessly from my mouth as my insides bubble from the orgasm that is building.  Knowing it is too quick, I slow down and lift back up, now lowering one hand down further to where we are almost joined.  Pushing down against him while pressing into his stomach causes him to groan my name deeply as he bumps up hard.  My body shifts roughly forward as I quickly place my other hand on his chest to balance myself.

Stopping, I spiral my way up as he calls for me and thrusts quickly up to make a connection.  Slowly sliding down again, I stop midway only to go back up….teasing him.

“Release me.”  He tenses his jaw as I shake my head.

“No.”

He yanks his hands roughly, pulling the material hard that the headboard shakes.  “Release me Doc.”

“No.”  I smirk as I fall back on him, bringing my tongue up his chest and against his neck as I roll my hips along him.  Biting his neck, I press our hips together and clamp around him as he groans out loudly while jerking his hands against the headboard.  “Are you losing control?”

“Marlena.”  He’s warning me…he’s close.  I open and close my mouth against his jaw as I move my hips again.  I cry out against his skin when I feel him hit a spot that I’m not ready to give up just yet.

“Right there baby.”  I whisper against his jaw before biting it as I continue to move my hips that presses his organ against the sensitive part inside.  “John…”  My body is uncontrollably clamping on him as my hand reaches up and cups his jaw, squeezing it as I look down at him, closing my eyes.  I roughly take his mouth as our tongues quickly collide around one another while our lower bodies move on their own.

It’s almost over when I grunt into his mouth and pull back….lifting up to finish him off.

His body is starting to perspire and his legs are shaking from the effects of our lovemaking.  Picking up my pace, I feel sexy as I ride along him, so in control of his gorgeous man beneath me.

I see him yank his hands again and by the second pull, his hands become free as they immediately fall to my waist.  Sitting up, he grabs me roughly and flips us quickly that my back hits the mattress rough.  Kneeling above me, he grabs my legs and spreads them open quick, as he throws them over each of his powerful muscled thighs.  Yanking my hips to him, he lifts my pelvis off the bed and presses me against him.  Within seconds, he is slamming himself back inside that it almost feels as if I am seconds from being split down the middle.  My audible moans cannot be controlled as my hands reach to hold to the headboard as he pounds away, breathing heavily as he uses my hips to his own advantage.

My eyes can barely stay open when I feel him stop and pull out of me.  He takes a deep breath before gathering my legs and lifting them up, placing them along his shoulders.

“John, no.  I’m going to murder you with these heels.”  My voice is cracking.

“Shh.”  He places kisses along my ankles and calves before sliding back inside, slower this time.

For minutes, does he move back and forth…slowly and gently.  It’s almost as if he is not taking his time…torturing us both.  He continues to hold my legs up and against his chest as he thrusts into me, still kneeling.

When I hear that higher pitched groan that he lets slip out, I know he’s there.    He releases my legs and falls in between my thighs, our chests now pressed together.  Thrusts, endless thrusts continue as I cry his name against his mouth…desperate for him to take me to the place I’m seeking.  For minutes, does he continue to push himself inside me….sending shivers in places I didn’t know I could feel sensitive in.

His hands reach up and tug my hair roughly, as he yanks my strands that causes me to arch my head back into the pillow.  Exposing my neck to his mouth, he latches on and bites hard as he continues to plunge into me while I lift my legs and wrap them around his back, careful to not stab him with my heels.

The feeling of my shoes against his slick back must turn him on because he pushes full force as our bodies shift uncontrollably in the bed.  I want to push him back up and make this last longer but I know I’ve reached my end…and I’m sure this will be one of the many times tonight.

“I love you baby.”  He breathes into my mouth when he locks our mouths that I hum against his mouth.  When his tongue flicks against mine, my lower body clamps down and I feel that warm explosion that shatters me into a million pieces…leaving the room black.  It takes minutes for me to find myself again…my breathing…when I feel him continuing to dig through me, quickly slamming against me.

Shortly after, he collapses against me as he holds me tight while breathing heavily as my legs lay lifeless against his skin.  I can barely move them and feel as if I have absolutely no control over them whatsoever.

For what seems like hours, I feel like we stay locked together and lifeless until I feel him shift and pull away from me, allowing my legs to thump against the mattress.

“Baby, you were amazing.”  He smiles as he leans down and kisses me slowly before pulling away.

“Oooh thank you, thank you.”  I joke and turn my head to the side, trying my best to fight the sleep.  “Can we take these off now?”  I point at the masks as he laughs and reaches towards my face to help me slide it off…placing them on them on the nightstand once he removes his as well.  “Can I take these off too?”  I manage to find the energy to lift my leg slightly and wave my foot as he laughs again, me joining in with him.

“Yes baby…although the thought of you wearing heels every time we make love is quite appealing.”

“Not going to happen.”  He smiles as he unbuckles them and gently places them along the floor.  “Thank you for being careful with my shoes as well.”  I laugh as he runs his fingers down the center of my chest until he reaches my navel.

“Well I know how much you spend on your shoes.”  He smiles and dips down to press tiny kisses along my soaked skin.

“I love you.”  I whisper as I run my fingers into his hand while he lazily traces his mouth against my stomach.

“I love you baby.”  When he brings his mouth back towards me, we meet for a gentle kiss before he pulls me into his arms and holds me close, spooning me tightly as my head sinks into the soft pillow.  Within seconds, my eyes fall closed and the only sounds that I can hear are his breathing and our heartbeats.  Squeezing his hand to me, I allow myself to seek the sleep I need because I know this night is far from over…in fact…it’s just begun.