Welcome Back, Baby – Missmisery

He stood outside the door, his stomach churning and feeling like he had to vomit. He didn’t want to hurt her, he never would. But there was no way to not hurt her now. No way to get out of this… but there was also no way he would string her along. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone. So he swallowed hard and turned the knob, casting his eyes down. Immediately he noticed the suitcases lined up perfectly in front of him.

 

When he finally found the courage to look up, he saw her perched on the edge of the couch. He felt at once shocked and relieved. She was going to make it easier on him than he thought. She wasn’t going to make him ask her… to leave.

 

He gave her a half smile, and took off his jacket and tossed it over the coat rack. He wanted to do anything that would delay the inevitable. He rolled up his shirtsleeves. At least she already knew. At least that was behind them. He comforted himself by telling himself that this too would soon be over and he could get on with his life.

 

God, she looked so small, so alone. He approached her and she stood swiftly to meet him there in the middle of the living room they had been sharing for a while now. He wondered where this new awkwardness between them came from. It felt like they were strangers almost, mere acquaintances, not lovers about to be married.

 

He knew why. His world had been upside down for years now and suddenly overnight it fell back on its axis and it was like the past five years never happened. The nightmare was over. Everything that happened in those years… all the pain, all the different women that he’d tried to fill up his life with… it was over. He’d welcomed the joy back into his heart so easily the instant he saw her. And here he stood with someone he knew he loved, but suddenly that love stood hollow in comparison to what he had with Marlena, and now here he was, feeling like the worst kind of scum – because of a miracle. Tossing out someone he had committed his life to, as if she were a used toy he was tired of playing with.

 

He looked into Isabella’s eyes and saw the love she had for him, and he wanted to wretch.

 

Then a thought popped into his head, and he couldn’t help but to smile. Why did he ever allow any other woman to live in this house with him? No matter how comfortable he felt sharing this house with Diana and now Isabella, this was and always would be his and Marlena’s house. No one but Marlena could make it feel like it did when she was here with him. And now that she was back, he couldn’t wait to get her back inside of it. To feel her presence warm it and fill it with love like nobody else could.

 

“Roman, are you okay? You seem so far away.”

 

Quickly he snapped out of his contemplation and straightened his grin. “Huh? Oh, nothing…. Umm, Isabella, the suitcases?” He tilted his head, and gestured toward them standing upright at the door as if ready to march out.

 

“Yes, I’m leaving. I wanted to wait for you to come home so I could say a proper good-bye. I hope you don’t mind?”

 

“Isabella… “

 

“It’s alright, Roman. We both know I can’t stay here. This is *her* home. *Your* home with her. She’s back, so….” The petite woman shrugged her arms as though she had said all there was to say and started to walk around him. He watched her pass, motionless. He couldn’t let her just leave. He had to know that she knew it was over for good. He squeezed his eyes shut hard, hating himself for thinking that, and dropped his hands from his hips and turned on his heels to face her.

 

“Izzy, stop,” he bid. When she turned around he saw the hope spread across her features and again he closed his eyes with self-hatred. He sighed and extended his arm in a gesture of frustration. “We have to talk.”

“Roman,” she smiled her broad smile and approached him, touching the center of his chest. “We can talk later. You have things to take care of. This isn’t goodbye forever.”

 

He reached and touched her cheek. The silence grew thick, and he tried to speak but he couldn’t. How could he tell her goodbye, when they were just starting their lives together? They were ready to get married. Then he looked down at her hand to make sure it had been true, but her hand held no proof. He lifted it, presenting the bare finger to her.

 

“Where’s your engagement ring, Izzy-B?”

 

She looked uncomfortable as she paused and averted his eyes. Finally when he lifted her chin so she had to look at him, she slipped her hand from his and pointed to the coffee table. There he saw it, a lone shining sphere in the center of the dark cherry wood. The symbol of their pledge to each other lay solitarily in front of them, announcing the fact that it was over. Again he was shocked but relieved.

 

She smiled half-heartedly and patted his chest. “I think I’ll go now. I’m moving back into the loft. Will you call later? Maybe we could…”

 

“Izzy,” he interrupted her abruptly, “There is no more we. I’m… so sorry. I never would have promised my life to you if I had known she was alive. I never would have put you through this. I… I never would have, you have to know that. I didn’t know. But, now….”

 

“Now? Roman, you mean you never want to see me again? How can you just….”

 

He again caressed her cheek, wishing somehow to touch her and make her pain go away magically. She was going to be all on her own now, and he hated casting her aside and leaving her all but abandoned, but he knew in his heart that there was no more room for her. One look at Marlena standing on the pier and instantly she’d filled his heart again completely, and as horrible as he felt, he couldn’t deny that Isabella was no longer there.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Izzy-B.”

 

“Don’t call me that,” she announced, the pain evident in her voice, and turned away to stare out the window through the sheer curtains. Obviously taken aback and hurting, he again felt the need to soothe her, and tried to touch her shoulder, but she shrugged him off. He gritted his teeth and began to wish he had let her leave before.

 

“Isabella, please. Please… know that I never meant you to be hurt. You have to believe that. But someone was going to be hurt.”

 

“And it’s got to be me, right? I can’t believe you’re just throwing away everything we had. Everything we built, Roman!” Her anger began to flare, and she turned to fire her accusing eyes at him. He bit his tense lips and folded his arms across his chest unconsciously warding her off.

 

He didn’t know what to say. All he could do was apologize and hope she would understand. Pray that she could move on with her life… as if he’d never been in it.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. If I could take the pain away I would. I would, you have to know that. “

 

Then she softened, and put her arms around him. “So much has happened, Roman. Your life is different now. Her life is different. How can you know if you can have what you had before? You’ve changed. She’s changed….”

 

She sounded so certain, so positive in her conjecture. But would she be able to say such things if she’d seen them last night? He pulled her away gently, yet holding her shoulders in his hands firmly as if to make her listen to him carefully.

 

“Nothing has changed. Isabella, *nothing*. I’m sorry, but five years disappeared when I saw her again, when I held her… when I kissed her.” He knew his words would hurt her. He knew they would be like a knife, and he was right. He felt her instantly repel away from him, shaking her head in denial, in sheer dread, and her anger reappeared.

 

Her face become ruddy and her hair flared out like wings as she whipped around and shouted, “That was cold, Roman! That was… *cold*! I can’t believe this! I was willing to give you time to bring her back home and get her life started again… with her children, and her family, but I never thought you would just… *dump* me and….”

 

“And what?” He asked with some incredulity. She stood there, almost stunned by her own voice.

 

“And take her back as though I never existed! As though I meant nothing! How can you do that?”

 

Finally he grabbed her. He knew she wasn’t trying to be callous. He knew she was simply overwhelmed and upset. But he knew that she needed to know where they stood and what was going to happen and what wasn’t. He pulled her close and almost held her off the ground so that she could *feel* what he was going to say.

 

“Listen to me! You have to understand something,” he almost growled. “I know what you’re feeling. I’ve felt pain like that! I’ve lost before. I lost my WIFE, goddamit! Marlena is my *wife*! And she’s *alive*! So don’t, please don’t make this about you. Please don’t make this about *us*.” He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath before he continued.

 

“My life ended five years ago! And now I have to wonder why I gave up on her. Why I stopped looking for her. Why I believed she was dead, when I know now that she was out there somewhere! I am in as much pain as you are! I am sorry! I’m sorry your life is being turned upside down. I love… *loved* you! You know that. That means something, but it’s all changed now, don’t you see? She’s back! By some insane miracle she’s *back* and I am not going to let her down again, and I’m going to be with her forever, god willing!” Suddenly he dropped her, and walked briskly to the window and opened the French door to let the outside breeze filter through the curtains and across his face. He felt exhausted. Depleted, and nauseous. He took deep breaths, pulling in the sweet smelling air and blowing it back out. Then he felt her small hand on his shoulder, and her body rest slightly against him. He took her hand and kissed it, then turned to face her.

 

“I’m sorry I yelled. I love her so much, Isabella. I don’t know how I managed to go on without her, but I did somehow… with help. Help from my kids, my family, from you. I thank you and feel blessed that you shared your life with me, but I wasn’t… I *couldn’t* be everything you wanted, as much as I thought I could be that for you. You deserve more than I can give you. I was meant for her. Only her. You’ll be happy again, with someone else. I’m sorry I tried to replace her with you.”

 

“Roman, you can stop now.”

 

“I can?”

 

“You can. I get the picture. I’ve seen the *pictures*… of the two of you. I probably fooled myself thinking I could be that kind of love for you. We could have been happy though, I think, but you’re right. She’s always been between us. Everywhere I turned in this house I could feel her and I would catch you looking off into space, or at objects around here and I pretended you were just tired, but I know you were thinking of her. Dreaming of her.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“For what?” She smiled; and he thought she looked as relieved as he felt. Maybe she could feel like her life wasn’t ending.

 

“For wanting to be with me anyway.” He hugged her, and whispered, “And thank you for knowing me so well and understanding. I just wish… well, I wish I could have saved you the time and pain. I didn’t know.”

 

He released her and yanked the door closed. The relief seemed to flood the room. The new reality between them felt like a door closing, not slamming and he was thankful for that. She seemed to be too. He walked her to the door and told her he would load up her car. She thanked him as if he were just an accommodating taxi driver. As he reached for the doorknob, the door swung in towards them and they had to back away fast. For some reason he thought it might be the kids, but then he saw Bo filling the entryway and he caught his wife’s eyes behind his brother’s shoulder and gave her a quick wink.

 

“Roman, are you going to let us in? Sorry, we’re a little early but Marlena was getting antsy,” Bo laughed.

 

“Hey, Bo. It’s okay. Actually I was, um… taking these out to Isabella’s car.” The sound of her name instantly subdued the lively mood of Bo’s arrival and he regretting telling Bo to bring Marlena over before he was sure Isabella was gone. The joy of bringing Marlena home had suddenly turned into a very uncomfortable moment.

 

Roman watched Bo clear his throat and locate his sister, giving her a cautious smile. Then eyeing an uneasy Marlena still outside the door, he reached for her hand and brought her inside and presented her to his former fiancée.

 

The two were reserved, but politely shook hands, then silence ensued until Bo clapped his hands, and shouted, “Well! What’s say I take Isabella’s bags out for her then?” Roman let out a relieved sigh, and squeezed Marlena’s hand tight. He wanted to hug Bo. There were times he truly adored his brother, not that he would ever admit it to him.

 

“Well, good-bye,” she said softly, looking up at him with a mixture of deep sadness and resigned acceptance. He stopped breathing, feeling in his gut that certain emptiness that came with any abrupt change in his life. Then as he and Marlena moved out of the way and watched her close the door, it disappeared.

 

“I’m sorry, Roman,” she said, and reached up and touched his cheek.

 

“It’s okay, Doc,” he told her, as he drew her to him for a satisfying hug. “Welcome back, baby. Welcome home.” She felt so right in his arms, fitting perfectly, just like she did in this house. Reluctantly he allowed her to leave his embrace and watched her slowly walk through the room, touching things and obviously not finding many things she remembered. She stopped, turned around and looked at him quizzically.

 

“Roman, it’s all so… strange.”

 

“Come here, sweetheart,” he smiled at her coyly, motioning for her to come near.

 

“What?” she wavered, giving him a seductive flash of her big brown eyes as she approached him, “are you going to help reacquaint me with my house? Be my personal tour guide?”

 

“Doc, I will personally guide you wherever your heart desires to go, anytime you want, for the rest of your life, but there is only one place I want to reacquaint you with right now!” He watched her eyes flicker with mischief, and surprise, and heard her squeal and cry out with her signature laugh as he swept her over his shoulder and ran upstairs eager to get her out of the dismal pink and gray pantsuit and into their bed.

 

His cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling so much as he sat her down on the bed. He couldn’t stop looking into her eyes, but then she stood up and began wandering around the room. He looked around as well and the reality hit him when he realized that the last time he was in this bed, he shared it with Isabella. The feelings of conflict removed the smile from his face as his eyes swept the room, following Marlena as she slowly walked across the carpet, touching things, looking out the windows. He was relieved to see that Isabella had removed all of her belongings and even the little touches she’d made to the room to claim it as her own. Things he barely even noticed until now when they were gone. The fact was, no other woman ever should have been in this room… and he would find out why Marlena was taken from him for five long years.

 

As he watched her, he began to feel overwhelmed with emotion. This was like a dream. The best dream he’d ever had. Finally she walked back to him where he was sitting on the edge of the bed. She stood in front of him and realized he had a tear in his eye. With the gentlest of touches she brushed it away with her fingers. He took her hand and pressed his lips into her warm palm.

 

“I missed you so much, Marlena,” he whispered as he reached up and cupped her face with his large hands.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay, Roman?” Her own eyes rimmed with the shimmer of liquid. He was speechless, lost in her beautiful sparkling eyes. Eyes he never thought he would see again. He’d almost forgotten how big they were, and how welcomed and at home he felt in them. She looked at him like nobody ever had and he could see into her soul. He pulled her down onto his lap and held her tight, burying his face between her breasts. He could feel her heart pounding and it filled him with joy. She wrapped her arms around his head and held him there for long moments, reacquainting herself with his scent and the feel of his body against hers. But soon it wasn’t enough….There were clothes between them. There was air. There were molecules.

 

He slipped his fingers through her hair and drew the long gold strands away from her neck and then kissed her tenderly and slid his tongue up and around her smooth jaw. She shivered and he whispered into her ear, “Don’t ever leave me again.”

 

“I never wanted to leave you….”

 

Suddenly in the pit of his stomach everything knotted up and he felt a stirring pain begin to burn inside. He needed answers about where she was and who did this to them… but now he just wanted to be with her. To feel her skin. To taste her again. This beautiful creature given back to him.

 

“I know you didn’t, baby…” he murmured sadly, then found her mouth and tenderly brushed his lips across hers. He could feel her tears soaking into his own skin. He began to kiss her deeply and the feel of her tongue slipping around his was electric. Without a doubt he realized that none of the other women in his life since she’d been gone had been able to affect his body the way she could. Nobody set his skin on fire, made him breathless, or turned him on so fast. And he never really enjoyed kissing as much as he did with her. He could kiss her and kiss her forever.

 

She broke the kiss and held him at bay just as he was fumbling to find the buttons on her shirt. He saw the apprehension on her face and he stopped what he was doing.

 

“What’s wrong, baby?”

 

She tried to avoid his eyes, and then she began to cry a little and shake her head.

 

“We don’t have to do this now; we have all the time in the world,” he reassured her. She dropped her head on his shoulder and whispered something he couldn’t hear.

 

“That’s my bad ear, sweetheart.” She laughed slightly and she again faced him.

 

“Roman, I’m not… I’m not ready for you.”

 

He couldn’t help but feel disappointed and he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. You’ve been through so much and here I am making moves on you already.”

 

“No, it’s just that… well, I haven’t had a shower since I’ve been back and these clothes are the only clothes I’ve worn for days now.” She was embarrassed but hoped he would understand.

 

He mumbled under his breath, angry at himself for keeping her hidden away in that grimy hotel room for so long when he should have been thinking of what she needed the most. He felt like a selfish jackass. Before she could say another word he picked her up in his arms and took her into the master-bathroom. He would try to make it up to her.

 

Without speaking, he turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature, then he put the seat down on the toilet and guided her to sit down. He squatted and untied her tennis shoes and slipped off her socks. Looking up at her he received a look of pure love from her porcelain face as he took each foot in his hand and massaged it gently. This was his prayer to her. He would give her the welcome home she deserved.