Weep Not For The Memories – Sandra B

Weep Not for the Memories is a story that begins on the day Marlena stepped in the front door of her home, expecting to find a quiet sanctuary, only to spy her husband teetering on the brink of death. Had this experience actually happened, and the headaches he was having with the flashes of memory been as intense as was indicated, John would not have simply forgotten about them as the show had him do. Someone experiencing what he seemed to be would be unable to make it stop simply by an act of will. I started it awhile back but stopped when my son died. This is vaguely the story that I wanted once the whole Gina story line began, thus altering what we thought we knew about John’s past. I hope you find it more to your liking than what they’ve given us.

A Matter of Seconds

 

John was sitting there on the floor staring at his fiance with a slightly dazed expression at the same time as he was cradling his head in his hands, obviously in great pain again. Marlena was trembling with terror; he could sense that much even with the piercing, vision blurring headache that had descended all of a sudden. “Marlena… what’s wrong?” he asked, struggling to stand up and having no idea what he was doing in the minutes that preceded their mutual tumble to the ground.

 

“Honey… don’t you remember anything, anything at all?” she asked, giving him some assistance with the task at hand, feeling even more frightened by the fact that he didn’t remember the incident.

 

“No… no, I don’t… but you obviously do… so tell me…” he said, almost demanding it of her… his head still pounding, “AH! Oh, my head… it feels like it’s coming apart! Oh..” he groaned, leaning against a table for support.

 

Pain with that kind of intensity meant something and it could no longer be ignored. “John, I want to call the hospital…right now!” she said, attempting to make him look her in the eye.

 

Grasping her forearm to stop her, one hand still clutching the edge of the table, John spoke firmly, “No… don’t do that… we don’t need the hospital.. .the only thing that is going to make these damn headaches go away is marrying you and starting our life together. Our love is the key to defeating Stefano. He has no real power over us anymore, Doc…”

 

Shaking her head, still in shock over what she’d seen and experienced with the man she loved, Marlena stood up straight at the same time as he did and argued the point, “No, John… that’s not true… this is because of Stefano and what he did to your mind. Do you know what you were doing when I came in?”

 

Feeling out of control but not knowing why, he nearly bellowed at her, “I told you, No!” She cowered and he was instantly remorseful and softened his tone, “Oh, I’m sorry, Doc… I don’t mean to yell at you… please, just… tell me,” he urged with intensity, his hands still at his temples, massaging them in hopes it would help ease the unrelenting pain.

 

Near tears, she recounted the scene she’d come home to. “John, honey… you were on the terrace… you were standing on the railing and you were about to jump. John, if I hadn’t come in when I did… you could have died. I think you were… “

 

“Having a flashback….” he said, nodding and responding almost absently, imagining what it must have been like for her, and struggling to recall what was happening inside his mind at the time, but failing. “I don’t remember it,” he said with a quiet sigh, sounding profoundly discouraged.

 

“Honey, you were talking to me as if I were Stefano and you were… waiting for orders.”

 

“No,” he said, hardly above a whisper, his eyes wide, horrified at the thought of it. Was it possible he could fall prey to the bastard again? ‘No!’ he shouted inside his mind, ‘No, you won’t control me like that, not EVER again, you bastard!’ He was immersed in an imaginary confrontation as he heard Marlena’s voice again.

 

“Yes… I’m sorry honey… I know you want to believe you’re totally free of his influence…but I have to wonder if…”

 

“I am, Doc! I am free! That was just… a memory… that’s all… he can’t do that to me again, not *ever* again!” John said in frustrated anger, looking as if he were about to storm off. Marlena knew the anger was merely a cover in this case. John was frightened but wouldn’t admit it because he had recently taken on the role of heroic protector, ever since she had gone to Dimera for help… Stefano wanted some favor from her and John had gone to set the record straight.

 

Ever since that day, the memories were coming at a faster rate than they had previously and they were becoming increasingly disturbing. She understood why John didn’t want to deal with it, but it was reaching the point where they had no choice. Touching him on the arm to capture his full attention, she shared her thoughts, “John, we can’t run from this… it’s only going to get worse if we try, honey… I believe that the hypnosis has… unlocked the door to your past and there might not be a way to close it again.”

 

He stared right at her, fighting it all the way, “No… that’s not true, Marlena… I’m giving up the search and we’re going to focus on our love, and our future with the children… all this… stuff is all going to go away after we’re married… it has to..it just.. has to!” he added, under his breath, clinging to magical thinking of sorts.

 

She was shaking her head in response, understanding why he was working so hard to convince himself that what he was saying was true. “Oh, John…I know you want to believe that… but honey… the mind… it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t just… choose not to remember now because you don’t like what you’re learning. The memories are surfacing… there’s nothing you can do to stop the process once it’s begun. John, you’re going to get your past back, maybe all of it… whether you want it or not.”

 

“No.. that’s not true… that’s NOT true, Marlena! Once we get married… it’s all going to be okay… I know it will….” he said, suddenly holding her closer, as though just being with her could make the memory flashes and the headaches disappear. John was holding on tight to that belief, as if his life depended on it. Briefly, Marlena pondered the issue, considering that his emotional survival could very well hinge on making their union official. For some reason he had fixated on that idea as a way to soothe his unease.

 

She sighed worriedly and let it go; there was no changing his mind at this point…. John was fully convinced, or he had to be in order to cope. Either way, he wasn’t willing or able to confront the reality at the moment so there was no sense in pushing it on him. “Okay, okay.. it’s alright… we’ll deal with it as it comes,” she replied, giving him another hug to reassure him of her support.

 

Finally separating from her, John said with a stronger, more positive voice, “Good, because I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Let’s just… go ahead and get ready for that party we’re supposed to go to tonight,” he said, trying to muster some enthusiasm and distract her from calling the hospital.

 

Shaking her head, she disagreed with that whole idea, “Oh no we’re not… we’re going to get you scheduled for an MRI… tonight. We can’t put this off any longer, John.”

 

Putting up a hand to protest, he said, “Marlena… Look.. I promised Bo I’d be there…. This is a big night for him… and it’s important to Vivian as well. We have to be there.”

 

Again, she realized his reasoning, but had to disagree, “John… you almost died, just now… because of what you’re remembering… Don’t you think…”

 

He hushed her with two fingertips to her lips… “Doc… I’m okay…you saved me and I’m fine now… I just want to move on. Nothing like that will happen again… I’m sure of it… so let’s just go and have a good time… Come on, a little champagne, a little caviar… a little conversation and we go home… How stressful can that be?” he teased, kissing her between his cajoling words, hoping to coax a smile out of her.

 

Her eyes were not backing down, though her face bore a trace of a smile as she replied, “John…. I’m serious… “

 

Taking advantage of the mixed signals, he leaned in for a kiss and answered her question in the same mode as her words, “So am I, Doc… we need this.” Seeing that she was resolute, John capitulated with a compromise, “Alright, if I promise to go in for the MRI tomorrow morning, will you stop worrying about me and get into that fancy new dress I bought you?” he said with an endearing grin.

 

“Oh you…” she said with an exasperated sigh… “What am I going to do with you?”

 

“Whip me silly for being so contrary when we get home?” he said with a hopeful tone and an adorable shoulder shrug.

 

Wagging her finger at him, she flashed him a hint of anger and said, “I just might…you know..” she said as she began to trip up the stairs. Following closely behind her he sounded so youthful, saying, “Oh boy… let’s get this thing overwith… I’m much more into the after party private celebration, myself.”

 

“I should have known, you only bought the dress so you could take it off me…” she said as she climbed slowly up the stairs.

 

He was answering her as they stepped inside the bedroom, “Yep, that’s the idea…. it’s so much more fun *un* zipping than it is zipping… don’t you know that by now, sweet love of mine?” he said as he devoured her delectable mouth.

 

“Oh, my” she said nearly swooning… “How long did you say we had to stay at this party?”

 

“Oh.. not long… we have to give my Aunt some support and Bo too… and then….”

 

She sighed and repeated the last two words, “And then…” with a light chuckle, she concluded, “You know… this night is sounding better and better all the time.”

 

“I thought it might…. I love you, Marlena… and I can’t wait to be your husband… once again and forevermore.”

 

“Forever… I do so like the sound of that, my love. Mrs. John Black, at last. It seems like it’s taken forever to make our dream come true, doesn’t it?”

 

“Sometimes it does, yea…but it’s gonna happen this time, Doc. I promise… nothing is going to come between us ever again.” When he was had a twenty second conversation with the doorman, John could very easily have plunged unwittingly to his death. That was beyond frightening, and yet he seemed virtually unconcerned about it. Shaking her head to clear it of that disturbing vision, and shutting down the emotions that went with it, she labored for composure. Later on, they would talk about it in depth and decide what to do about the situation. For the moment, Marlena planned to do as his eyes and body language, if not his words asked of her. She was going to put it away for the evening and enjoy the party, planning to immerse herself in the pleasure of his company.

Questions Unanswered

 

The ride to the Townhouse was made in silence, both of them lost in thought about what had just transpired. Actually, John was trying to hard to think of anything but that, and Marlena couldn’t think of anything else. It was so frightening, but for his benefit, she knew she needed to make the attempt to dismiss it for the evening. With everything else that had happened in their lives, she had to remind herself that his aunt, the only relative with whom he had much of a connection, was dying. He didn’t talk much about it, but she knew it was very upsetting for him to think of losing that connection.

 

Strange as it was, John had come to love Vivian. The initial turning point came when she saved his life in Paris. She risked Stefano’s ire for him and that meant a lot because they both knew what Stefano was capable of when someone crossed him. And, here she was married to the Bastard. John never did figure out exactly what the motive was from Stefano’s vantage point, but it most definitely wasn’t about love. He had a hunch that what Bo was working all tied together with Stefano’s reason for marrying the woman.

 

When they arrived, they spotted Bo and Hope, Greta and Lily in the courtyard area. Everyone looked so elegant in evening attire and the party looked to be in full swing, food and drinks present in abundance. Marlena found herself letting go of her worries when she saw some more familiar faces. Abe and Lexie were there too… most everyone with whom they were close was in attendance. Within a matter of minutes she was engaged in conversation with friends as John drifted over toward Bo to talk strategy.

 

Glancing around the foyer as they stepped just inside the door, John pulled him aside and asked about the details, “Hey Bo… so what’s the deal with the party… what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?”

 

Looking around to make sure neither Dimera nor one of his flunkies were watching, Bo leaned in and said, “I’m working on a theory about the art thefts… I think Gina was involved and that it ties into the artwork here at the Townhouse. I think the reason Dimera married Vivian was to get his hands on the paintings, among other things.”

 

“Makes sense… yea, that’s gotta be it, Bo… but how’s the party going to help you prove it?” he asked, also making sure they weren’t overheard by anyone else, as they slowly walked into the main part of the house.

 

“Well, your aunt is going to make a little speech later and test it out by giving away some of the paintings to the people she loves, including you, John. If Dimera gets nervous and tries to stop her… we’ve got him… Ican’t wait.”

 

“Ooh, sounds intriguing…I’d love to see him squirm for once, Bo… I’ll be watching him…” John said taking a quick look for the Old Man, secretly glad he hadn’t see the man just yet. Wondering about the unlikely pairing, John was compelled to ask, “So, how’d you end up working with my aunt Vivian? You two haven’t exactly been on.. speaking terms..”

 

Bo almost chuckled about it and then said with a wry smile as he watched her work the room, “Long story… basically, I’m her only link to Victor… I got him to come here… and he’s at least agreed to talk to her which is her main motivation for doing this.. She really wants to mend fences with him, so he doesn’t hate her. You know.. she wants to resolve things before she…

dies.”

 

John winced at the use of the word; it was a little unreal to him yet, that she was actually dying. It was so strange to care for her, after all the bizarre and downright wicked things she had done, including working with Kristen in her wild schemes to keep him. In spite of all that, John loved her. Nodding and remembering when he was facing death how he had wanted to say his farewells, he said quietly, “Yea, I can understand that.”

 

Seeing a flicker of emotion in his friend’s eye, Bo commented on it, “You really do care about her, don’t you…”

 

A strange smile appeared on his face, even as he seemed puzzled by it, “Yea… figure that one out… after all the… stunts she’s pulled. “

 

“She saved your life in Paris… that’s when it started to change… wasn’t it?”

 

He nodded, recalling the moment. He was about to be recaptured or killed by Stefano and his henchmen and Vivian stepped in to help him. Her move allowed him to get away and save Marlena. Vivian had risked her life to save his and that meant more than words could say. “Yea, it started then, but… I should hate her for helping Kristen.. I really should you know…” he said, feeling a little guilty, on Marlena’s behalf, although she seemed to have gotten past any resentment long ago.

 

Bo nodded and then stated a fact, “But you don’t… When she started having all those problems… you wanted to help her… because of Stefano.”

 

Again, he nodded, glancing toward his aunt, whom he noticed looked particularly chipper for a woman who was supposed to be dying. “I guess it’s natural when anybody gets involved with that… Bastard, to want to protect them.”

 

Thinking of the woman he loved and how she had changed so much, seeing her become someone he hardly recognized, Bo agreed, “Yep… that’s why I’m doing this… for Hope… He’s messing with her mind… I know he is.. and I’m going to find out how.. and why. I know it has something to do with the artwork and what she did for him when he had her programmed to be Gina.”

 

Putting a hand on Bo’s shoulder, John, who was unsettled by the direction the conversation was taking, decided it was a good time to head back over and see what his beautiful fiance was doing. Looking over toward Marlena and working to dismiss the images the word ‘programmed’ conjured up in his mind, John said, “Well, I hope the night is successful then, for a lot of reasons… Good luck little brother.”

 

Smiling on the memories of times past, Bo repeated the nickname, “Little brother… you haven’t called me that in a long time, John.”

 

Suddenly, his erstwhile sibling felt self conscious about it, and it showed in his voice as he spoke, “Does it bother you… I won’t say it if it does.. I mean.. we’re not really..”

 

Placing a hand on the man’s arm as gesture of familiarity, Bo said warmly, “John, we’ll always be brothers…in every way that matters… you should know that by now.”

 

He shrugged and smiled lightly, feeling oddly uncertain of his place in the world.. “Yea.. guess I should… anyway… I hope it goes down the way you want it to, Bo.”

 

“Yea… me too, catch you later, John.”

 

“Right… Now, I think I’ll go see what Doc’s doing.” As their conversation ended, John noticed Hope looking at him and made a beeline for his fiance, as if being on her arm could make the disturbing memories disappear and eliminate the unnerving feelings Hope stirred within him. Gina watched him retreating and it made her smile inside, because if there were no problem, if he weren’t responding to her in some important way, he wouldn’t be compelled to avoid her. Something was brewing inside John Black and she wanted to know exactly what it was. However, this wasn’t the time; there would be other opportunities…

 

Across the room, Marlena was chatting with Abe and Lexie, enjoying the party atmosphere, but glancing around the elegantly decorated living room of the Townhouse to search for her very soon to be husband. Two strong arms wrapped themselves around her from behind, and she leaned into the comforting familiar embrace with a soft sigh of contentment. “Hey stranger… where have you been?” Marlena asked, glad to have her man back at her side.

 

“Oh, I was just talking to Bo… he’s got a lot riding on this night.. I sure hope it goes the way he wants it to.”

 

Turning to face him, she agreed, thinking that it would help both couples if Bo could uncover the mysteries of Hope’s past and tie it to Stefano’s criminal activities. “Me too… I really want things to work out for him with Hope too, just like they have for us. They’ve been through some rough times. I wish I could figure out what’s going on with her. She’s been acting so strangely lately… hasn’t she?” Marlena asked, searching John’s face for some sign of agreement.

 

“Yes… she really has, Doc… ” he said, still wondering if he should tell her everything that had happened. There was some lingering guilt he harbored at keeping from her his very intense encounter with the woman who looked so much like the one in his memories.

 

There was a flicker of something in his slightly hidden gaze and Marlena wanted to know what it was. There were moments when he seemed far away from her, when she knew he was preoccupied about some issue that was bothering him, but he wouldn’t open up with her because he was concerned about burdening her with his problems. “John.. is there something you want to tell me.. Did something happen between you and Hope that I should know about?”

 

The images were right there in his mind’s eye… They were standing face to face in the park. Hope was hugging him, then she was kissing him and in some surreal dream like experience that was a cross between the long forgotten past suddenly remembered and the present, he kissed her back. But it wasn’t really Hope he was kissing. It was a memory, a very vivid memory of kissing Gina, and the whole encounter and the other flashbacks that went with it unnerved him so much that he’d been trying to force them from his mind, to deny their meaning, even their existence. Other memories took their place, memories equally as disturbing to his sense of identity and belonging.

 

Because of all of it, he was grasping hold of his life with Marlena more firmly than ever before, yet somehow afraid to tell her what was happening internally, as if acknowledging it might change things between them somehow. In truth, Marlena was his anchor in stormy seas and always had been, ever since the day they met when he was so in need of someone he could trust. John was fixated on marrying her as soon as possible, believing that once they said their vows he could put all those unsettling memories behind him and step boldly into the future with Marlena and their two small children.

 

John seemed lost in thought and didn’t answer right away, so she touched him on the shoulder at the same time as she asked him about it, “Honey… what is it? What else is bothering you about Hope… did she say something to upset you just now?”

 

Startled out of his uncertain reverie by the sound of her loving compassionate voice, his reply was delayed… “Uh…no… no, she didn’t. I was just.. thinking about what you said.. she has been acting a little strange lately, but you don’t have to worry about her. I made it very clear that I was letting it all go. I’m not going to look back any more, Doc… I want to concentrate on our future, and that includes planning our wedding…”

 

“Oh, our wedding… it’s going to be so soon, John.. I can’t wait!” she said excitedly, beginning to believe it would really happen this time around, choosing to ignore the nagging uncertainties brought on by the worrisome incident which took place only a few hours ago.

 

A sigh of relief escaped as he saw he had successfully diverted her attention. “I feel the same way, believe me… we’ve had so many delays… but not this time… Nothing is going to stop us this time, Doc.. ” he finished speaking with more confidence than he felt, as he leaned in close and hugged her tight.

 

Hope was staring at them holding each other, seething that John’s focus was completely on Marlena… It made her ache to have him even more… John was hers… even if she wasn’t the real Gina… she had all of that woman’s memories and she felt the emotions as well. She vowed that even if it were the last thing she ever did, she would make him want her back. There had to be some way of bringing back the old John, the one who loved her and only her. Gina put on a wide smile and began to approach the couple as they hugged each other yet again.

 

John looked up and saw her coming. Pulling out of the embrace, he made an excuse to avoid her again, “Uh.. Marlena… I just thought of something I needed to talk to Abe about… I’ll be right back.” She thought his departure was a little abrupt and was wondering about the reason when she turned to see Hope coming toward her, her dark eyes following John across the room.

 

“Oh, my.. John certainly did make a hasty exit. I wonder why that is…” Gina said coyly as she approached Marlena, watching him move away before she could get there.

 

Marlena was not in the mood for another encounter with Hope, who only wanted to talk about John’s past as it related to hers. “Oh perhaps it’s because you keep hounding him to remember a past he doesn’t want to pursue any longer. He’s trying to focus on the future, Hope, and you keep dragging him backward into the past. That’s why he’s avoiding you, Hope. John is just too much of a gentleman to tell you to.. get lost.”

 

“Oooh… that hurt…” Gina said, feigning being wounded by the barb. “Why do you suppose that is, Marlena…that he wants to give it up, as you say? Until recently, he was driven to find about his past…some would say…obsessed, and now all of a sudden he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Do you think there might be something he doesn’t want you to know about, another woman perhaps? Or maybe he senses your resentment, so he’s sacrificing something that means everything in the world to him….just to appease you.”

 

Marlena shook her head in disdain, trying to figure out who this woman was… This selfish, manipulative young woman certainly wasn’t the Hope Williams Brady she knew well and called friend. “Hope… you’ve got it all wrong. John has just come to realize that what’s most important to him is to be with the people he loves now, in the present. The past is dead and buried, just as Gina is dead and John is moving on, Hope. If he had…feelings for her, they are in the past and they have no bearing on the life he has now, the life he’s going to live with me and the children. I suggest you do the same Hope, before you lose the man you love.”

 

With that, Marlena turned sharply and left the other woman alone to contemplate what had been said, hoping she had made some headway where John was concerned. She was worried that if Hope kept pushing him to remember, there would be a serious price to pay at some point, emotionally and perhaps even physically. The headaches seemed to be intensifying since he had some significant memory breakthrough as a result of the hypnosis sessions. It worried Marlena, though John dismissed her concerns as unwarranted.

 

Gina stood there, staring across the room, thinking how ironic it was that she was only following the good Doctor’s advice… she was going to do everything in her power to be with the man she loved, only it wasn’t Bo Brady. It was John Black, the one Gina knew from more than a decade ago. There just had to be some way to restore his memories and bring him back without the tortuous brainwashing to which he had previously been subjected by Stefano Dimera.

 

Gina looked over and managed to meet John’s gaze as Marlena approached him and leaned in for a hug. Immediately, he glanced away and held his fiancecloser still, almost clinging to her like a drowning man would hold on to a life preserver. In truth, that was what Marlena was for him in so many ways, though he would never admit to it directly. She was the only constant in a confusing existence rife with countless contradictions, a life filled with lies, deception, and manipulation. Marlena and her love for him was the one solid truth upon which he could rely and now it seemed even more important than ever to make her his wife. No, it was a need to be her husband; subtle as the difference might seem to some, that was the reason. It was as if that one act would make his life complete. John was fixated on the idea that saying the vows of forever would allow him to close the door to the confusion and pain that was his past. Once they were married he would then be free to fully embrace his future, a future without any hindrance or lingering influence from the life he led at the mercy of the evil man who called him, “The Pawn.”

 

That life was over, it had to be. It simply had to be!

Something Wicked From This May Come

 

It was such a perfect day for an outdoor activity, the temperature in the middle seventies, the sun hiding behind a light cover of clouds, a gentle breeze to cool them when there were moments of bright sunshine during the day. Their day was planned… they were going to Fort Salem, an old historical sight out along the River Road, several miles outside of town. There were going to be people dressed in period costumes, reenactments of various eras, demonstrations of all sorts from cooking to the use and care of weaponry, games, food, and entertainment from a historical perspective. John and Marlena had decided that it might be time to try taking Belle and Brady to an educationally oriented event and this one was the perfect opportunity with which to begin.

 

Shrugging into his polo shirt, John called out asking if Marlena and the kids were set to go, “Hey Doc… how are you coming with the kids?” he asked hoping to hear news of good progress.

 

“Fine, honey… we’re all ready. All we need is our trusty driver,” came the cheerful reply.

 

“Great,” he answered as he pulled on his newest pair of tennis shoes and then reached into the bedside stand for his pistol. Ever since Stefano insinuated that Marlena owed him something for his lame attempt at helping Sami, John had decided he ought to have it on hand, just in case. He hadn’t told Marlena about it, and absently wondered as he slipped it into the pocket of his jacket whether that was a secret best revealed. ‘Later, I’ll let her know later,’ he said to himself, giving it a little pat, feeling better just knowing that he had a means to protect his family from Dimera’s threats. For some reason, it never occurred to him that he shouldn’t be carrying a concealed weapon, which was of course, a crime.

 

He scampered down the stairs and was at the front door about the same time as his lovely fiance and his two adorable children. “Alright… so you guys ready to go!”

 

“Yea, Daddy…. Mommy said we’re going to a fort… I love forts!”

 

“Yea, especially tree forts…” added Belle, wanting to get in on the act.

 

“Belle, it’s not a tree fort, it’s a real fort… you know like in Pocohantas ..” Brady said firmly. It seemed like Belle was always getting it wrong.

 

“Oh, that kind of fort, I get it…” Belle said, somewhat dejectedly.

 

John and Marlena couldn’t help but chuckle to hear one child correcting the other, getting it right in this instance. They were growing up… John grasped Marlena’s hand and smiled before saying so, “Oh, Doc… isn’t this great? Being able to just go and enjoy ourselves with the kids like this… no more worries about Sami… nothing more to come between us?”

 

She sighed quietly and nodded, enjoying the moment. But just as they were about to leave, a memory from two nights earlier came flashing through her mind, the one of John standing unsteadily on the wall of the terrace overlooking the city of Salem. He had almost fallen… would have.. had she not come in at precisely the right moment to save him. Marlena shuddered at the thought of watching him plunge to his death as a result of what Stefano Dimera had done to his mind all those years ago, and wondered what the madman might still be capable of doing to the man she loved.

 

That memory was followed by a recollection of what he’d told her just a day or so earlier when she came upon him fighting off another killer headache, Hope’s hands on his head, massaging the pain away. “If Hope hadn’t come along when she did, I might have killed him Doc…” he’d said, concerned about what was happening. Since that time, he’d been shrugging off her concerns, but it was frightening to think what might transpire now that some of the memories had begun to surface. It was a precarious place to be because neither of them knew what else lay buried beneath the surface of those formerly well constructed barriers. Absently, she wondered if even Stefano didn’t know what might happen once the barriers began to weaken. He was so intent on not having John recall his past… but was he afraid of the memories surfacing because there would be evidence to indict him or because of what John might do to him personally?

 

“Marlena… you’re.. trembling.. what is it?” John asked, worried about her, as his hands instinctively went to her shoulders.

 

This time it was Marlena who tried to dismiss his concern, saying as sheshrugged out from underneath his hands and took a step out the door, “Nothing, John… it’s alright… let’s just go and have a good time, like you said.”

 

John reached out a hand to grasp her forearm, stopping her forward progress. “No, Doc… I can see that you’re upset by something… please tell me…”

 

She nodded and then paused before speaking, formulating what she thought was the most logical response. “Okay, honey… it’s about what’s been happening lately… the… incident with Stefano… the flashbacks of your time under his control… and that horrible moment when I came in and saw you out on the terrace. John…I don’t mind telling you… it frightens me… and I don’t think we can ignore it any more. I think we need to get you examined and find out what’s causing those terrible headaches you’ve been having.”

 

“Doc… listen… I told you…I’m fine and there’s nothing Dimera can do to control me again…there’s nothing for you to worry about any more. What happened the other night was a… fluke.” His words were firm, but there was something in his eyes that said John knew it wasn’t that simple, but that he wasn’t ready to deal with it yet. It won’t happen again, I promise…it’s going to be okay. Now, come on… let’s go have some fun with the kids,” he said, once again, denying any concern.

 

She sighed tiredly and shook her head in frustration… the man was incorrigible. Once he had his mind made up, there was no changing it. John believed he was fine and he would proceed from that assumption until proven otherwise, which in this case just might happen. “All right, but tomorrow we are going to the hospital and you *are* getting that MRI you promised you would… is that a deal?”

 

“Yea… it’s a deal, Doc,” John agreed reluctantly, realizing she wasn’t going to let it drop. There was genuine fear in those beautiful eyes of hers, fear he wanted to eradicate and if getting an MRI would do it, he would give in to her assertive request.20

 

Three hours into their day, something unpredictable happened. During a singularly accurate re-enactment, the sounds of gunfire were quite realistic, and it sparked an unexpected reaction. Marlena was just about to say something to her fiance about the noise level and how she didn’t think it was terribly good for the children, when she looked at him and saw tightly controlled terror in his blue eyes. John was tensed, on guard, and apparently preparing to fight. “John, honey…. what is it?” she asked, concerned about what she was seeing.

 

He didn’t respond…. seemingly lost inside himself, the muscles of his face taut, his eyes darting back and forth, as if searching his surroundings for signs of danger.

 

Everything was so confusing, there was so much noise… the loud popping sound made by the automatic weapons, men yelling, someone barking out instructions, “Carry out your orders, John… you must obey…. Shoot him, John!” He heard a man’s voice echoing inside his head. It was booming and so forceful. ‘Must follow orders… carry out my mission… “Yes..sir…” he answered with the obedience of a well trained soldier, as he reached for his gun, prepared to do as ordered.

 

But, then there was another voice, much softer, kinder, filled with tenderness and it stopped him momentarily, “John, honey… are you alright…”

 

Suddenly, he felt the touch of someone’s hands on his shoulders… shaking him slightly… Instantly, he reacted, pulling away, ready for a physical confrontation, his gun drawn. Then came a much louder sound… maybe a missile launcher… ‘Whoa, that’s some serious fire power!’ he was thinking as he dove for cover.

 

Marlena watched with bewildered fascination as her fiance ducked behind a dirt mound as if to hide from some imagined danger, a danger she knew did not exist in his present reality. It was clear that John was having another flashback…. Thinking quickly, she scanned the crowd for a peace officer and spotted one nearly immediately. Rushing toward him and then slowing when she was a step or two away to catch her breath, she wasted no time. Still breathing heavily, she asked, “Officer, I’m Dr. Marlena Evans, and I was wondering… could you please watch my children for a few minutes? I’ve just noticed a patient of mine is having difficulty and I need to provide some assistance, immediately.”

 

“Hello, Dr. Evans… yes, I recognize you…you’ve been a great help to the department… I’ll be glad to help you out. I have to say, I really admire your dedication…”

 

“Thank you… I appreciate that… now, if you’ll excuse me…” Turning toward her children, she spoke to them in a tone that said, you have to do as I say because this is really important. “Brady and Belle, you stay with this nice officer and I’ll be right with you, all right?”

 

“But what about Daddy? What’s wrong with him, Mommy?” Brady asked, trying to make sense out of the rapidly changing environment and his father’s odd behavior of late. He had seen his father reacting strangely but didn’t see him crouched behind the dune.

 

“Yea… how come he’s been acting so weird, Mommy?” asked Belle, not softening her terms.

 

“Sweety, Daddy’s just fine… he’s just a little tired right now… that’s all,” she said, lying for their benefit. There was no sense in alarming them unnecessarily. She would help him through whatever was happening and then they would get the help they needed over the long term. “Now, please, go with this nice officer while I try and take care of this.. situation.”

 

When she turned her attentions toward John again, she was frightened by what she saw. He had a gun in his hand and he was aiming at one of the players in the Civil War re-enactment. There was a demonstration of firepower from one era to another and it was pretty obvious that John’s automatic weapon was far superior to the old muskets which were loaded with blanks. John was crouched behind a mound of dirt, prepared to fire upon the unsuspecting crowd….She had to stop him…. But how? If she alarmed him he might fire anyway…. but she couldn’t risk it… Slowly, she advanced on him and spoke quietly, ” John… honey… what you’re seeing isn’t real… you’re having a flashback. We’re at Fort Salem and what you’re looking is a demonstration… “

 

The booming voice echoed inside his head… shouting at him to do as commanded, “Follow your orders soldier…. Shoot to kill, John…. You must obey! Obey… you must OBEY!!” As that word echoed repeatedly inside his mind, John could hear that other voice too and it made his head throb with pain to deal with the conflicting messages. It was softer, gentler and there was concern there, compassion… not like that loud angry one… “John…. Honey… put down the gun….you don’t need it, there’s no danger here….. just put it down and everything will be alright.”

 

“No… follow orders… I must obey…. Kill the enemy at any cost…” he said between ragged breaths, the gun still leveled, his head pounding like a set of drums.20

 

Marlena’s heart raced as she saw the tension in the muscles of his face, the trembling of his gun hand. Advancing from the side, she spoke with a deceptively calm demeanor, all the while shaking internally, “No, John… honey, listen to me… you’re having another flashback…from the past. It isn’t really happening. We’re at Fort Salem watching a demonstration… those guns don’t have any bullets in them, but yours does, John… and someone could be hurt. Do you think you could put it down… for me?”

 

He stood still, tensed and ready for battle, his left hand trying to steady his shaky right while still managing to aim the pistol in the direction of the perceived threat. Otherwise John didn’t make a move. His breathing was shallow and quite rapid… as if he were struggling to discern which was the present day experience… The wait was agonizing, but finally, he lowered the gun and heaved a heavy sigh, his eyes fluttering as his mind worked to make sense of what was happening inside. “Doc?” he questioned, utterly bewildered when he saw the expression of sheer terror in his fiance’s eyes. “Marlena… what’s…” he started to ask, at the same time as he saw several uniformed officers coming toward him, hands on their holsters. Suddenly, he realized that he was holding a gun in his right hand, a weapon he vaguely recalled having put in his jacket pocket as they left the house earlier.

 

“Drop it, Mister!” ordered one of the cops who were now within ten or twenty feet of the couple.

 

Immediately, he complied and just stared out of disbelieving eyes as the other policemen approached them. “Now, what seems to be the problem here… Dr. Evans… is it? I know that you’ve done some work for us and John… you were the Commander but that was quite some time ago… Why are you carrying a gun and why in God’s name were you pointing it at the men in that re-enactment? ” he asked, his own gun at the ready. Seeing that the stunned John Black with no weapon in his hand provided no further threat, he was waving the uniforms off as he spoke to the man.

 

“Well, I..uh… I… I don’t know why I had it… with me here, exactly…” he said, wavering slightly, as if he might pass out, his head beginning to pound unmercifully.

 

Marlena steadied him, watching him closely… ” Woah.. I gotcha… it’s okay… you’re alright and no one was hurt.”

 

“John… we should arrest you… but I can see that you’re not.. feeling well. Why don’t you and the family just go on home and we’ll forget about this. You look like you could use some rest.”

 

“Yes, I think he might be… coming down with something… We’ll do that, Lieutenant, thank you very much….and we’ll let you know how he’s doing later on,” Marlena replied, while continuing to observe John, who just stood there, staring at the gun lying on the ground. He was utterly bewildered and didn’t say a word. “John, honey…. Why don’t we do as the officer suggests and go on home…”

 

“Okay….” He whispered, still confused and disoriented. She took his left arm in her right and then corralled the kids with the other. Marlena knew what had to happen next and she planned it out inside her head. She would drop the kids off with Shawn and Caroline, provided they were available to babysit, then take John straight to the hospital for an MRI, no delays. Whatever was happening inside his brain was very serious. One flashback had almost cost him his life, now another had almost cost the lives of other people. It was time to be proactive about his situation and she wasn’t going to let him talk his way out of it this time. Not when there was so much at stake.20

 

The friendly uniformed officer walked back to the Jeep with the couple and their two adorable children, helping the youngsters get into the back seat. When they were all set to leave, he asked, “Are you sure you’re going to be alright now, Doctor Evans?”

 

“Yes, we’ll be fine, thank you for being concerned,” she said, looking at her fiance, who sat still staring totally confounded out the front window of his Jeep. “I’m going to take him to see a doctor and I’m sure he’ll be alright.”

 

As they began to drive out of the parking lot, John spoke to her, his voice sounding absent, as if he had no real memory of what had just transpired, “Doc… what just happened?”

 

“John… I’ll tell you the details after we drop the kids off at Shawn and Caroline’s okay?”

 

He nodded and leaned back in the seat… and then another headache pierced him… “Oh.. Doc…oh…”

 

“John… oh, honey… I knew we shouldn’t wait…. I’m taking you to the hospital right now.. no arguments!”

 

He said only one word which took her by surprise and she stared at him as he replied flatly, his voice devoid of any emotion whatsoever, “Okay…”

 

“Okay? That’s it?” she questioned in spite of herself.

 

Still holding his head between his slightly trembling hands, wishing the pain away, he asked her a question, worried about the answer, “Whatever just happened… it…terrified you, didn’t it… just like the other night?”

 

It dawned on her what was happening. John was worried… his lack of memory of that last incident frightening him, “Yes it did, John.. it upsets me very much, and it scares you too… doesn’t it?:

 

He couldn’t answer. Instead, he was clutching at his temples, almost crying out, but fighting it off for the sake of the children. “Oh.. my head… it feels like…it’s gonna…explode, Doc… What’s happening to me?”

 

Needing to concentrate on her driving but concerned about him, she was torn and tried to help him stay calm, “I don’t know, honey… but we’re going to find out… very soon… You just lean back and try to relax… “

 

Fighting off the penetrating pain, he closed his eyes and nodded, leaning back against the seat as comfortably as he could.

 

Worried by what he was seeing and hearing, Brady braved a question of his own, “Mommy… what’s wrong with Daddy… his head hurts really bad, doesn’t it?”

 

“Yes, sweety, Daddy has a very bad headache, but we’re going to get some help to make him feel better. That’s where we’re going right now… the hospital.”

 

“Okay, Mommy… we’ll be real good, so Daddy can constentrate on getting well.”

 

Even under dire circumstances, his misspoken word elicited a light chuckle from the adults… but Marlena replied for her husband, “Why thank you, Brady… that’s such grown up behavior and I’m very proud of you for thinking of it.”

 

She was glad to see a slightly less agonized expression on John’s face as they approached the turn into the hospital’s emergency room entrance. In the next second, however, he appeared to be very distressed, his head shaking, his tone vehement and filled with anxiety, “No… No, I won’t do it! I won’t…. I swear I won’t.. you’ll have to kill me first…”

Upsetting the Apple Cart

 

They were in the ER, John being examined by Mike Horton, Marlena making arrangements for the children to be watched. As soon as Shawn and Caroline knew of the problem, they of course volunteered and were on their way.

 

“So… what have you got, Mike… what do you think is causing these headaches?” John asked innocently, believing Mike would find the answers very quickly.

 

His friend the doctor shrugged and said with a slightly puzzled expression, “I don’t know.. the CT shows some… damaged areas… probably from previous head injuries… but nothing that would indicate a cause for the sudden and severe headaches that you’ve described. I’m sorry, John… but I really don’t know. Not yet..”

 

Marlena frowned…and John turned to her saying, “See I told there was nothing wrong.. it’s probably just.. stress…” he said with a teasing kind of a smile… hoping to cajole her out of her oh so serious mood.

 

She was shaking her head and her face bore a powerful frown meant to admonish him, “John… this is no joking matter. You could have been killed.. twice!”

 

Mike’s went open wide with surprise. His mouth agape, he glanced back and forth between the two of them and when neither responded, he exclaimed, “Killed…. Marlena… is there something you’re not telling

me here?”

 

John tried to discount her concern, almost wincing at the disapproving expression on his fiance’s face, as he spoke, “Oh.. it’s no big deal… she’s… exaggerating..”

 

“John… ” she said to augment her non-verbal communication.

 

“Okay… okay…tell him if you have to…” he said turning away slightly, and waving his arms as if to say don’t bite my head off, it hurts enough already.

 

“Thank you…” she said to her fiance, then faced her colleague and did just that. “Mike, the other night… I came home and John was….standing on the railing of the terrace… wavering.. about to fall off. From what I could tell by watching and listening to him… he was in some kind of.. flashback or a trance of some sort… I rushed out there and he was acting as if.. well, he was talking to me as if I were Stefano and he was.. awaiting… orders.”

 

Mike touched his friend on the shirt sleeve, hoping he would join in the conversation, “Oh, my God…. John… you have to realize that Marlena has every right to be very concerned… as she said.. you could have easily been killed. If she hadn’t come in when she did… you might very well have fallen to your death.”

 

John sighed and did give the others his full attention, “Okay.. you’re right… so what can you do about it anyway? I feel fine now… “

 

“What happened that you came today… this particular afternoon?” Mike asked, still assessing the situation, searching for any potential clues.

 

They said nothing at first… then John nodded… and Marlena started in… “Well, we had taken the kids out to Fort Salem… and while were there, John had another… flashback… only this time… he had a gun in his hand… “

 

That was alarming at best.. he had to realize that much.. “Oh my God, John! ” Mike said animatedly.

 

“I’m not sure what was happening.. or what set him off, but I think it was triggered by the sounds of gunfire from the demonstration. Mike.. he could have fired that gun… and killed some innocent person. It scares me… it scares me very much.”

 

“How about you, John… doesn’t that… concern you too?” Mike asked cautiously, knowing that John was slightly agitated and feeling embarrassed.

 

After a moment of contemplation, he decided on honesty, a weary sigh preceding his admission, “Yea… it does.. a little… I’ve been trying to convince myself that once Doc and I are married… all of it will go away… but I guess… I don’t know…. Maybe it’s more serious than I thought…” he conceded with a heavy sigh… feeling uncomfortable about the entire scenario.

 

“It is, John… and I think we should put you through a complete battery of tests…blood work, a thorough neurological workup starting with a sleep deprived EEG, neuropsych eval… the whole gamut… will you agree?”

 

It seemed like the walls were closing in on him, but he reticently agreed to submit, looking at his fiance for the answer, “If I have no other choice…”

 

Marlena hated to do it, but he just didn’t seem to acknowledge the potential magnitude of the problem, therefore she took charge, “You have no other choice… thank you, Mike..”

 

Again, he protested, not wanting to admit there could be something significant going on inside his head, “Doc..it could be nothing…”

 

“John.. it’s *not* nothing.. I think we’ve established that… people don’t have frequent severe headaches that sometimes blind them and vivid flashbacks for no reason… John, something is happening to you and it’s high time we figured out what it is… will you please cooperate? For me?”

 

More than reluctant, he agreed only to satisfy his fiance, who seemed terribly upset about it all “Alright… if it makes you happy… yes, I’ll submit to the testing… when do you want to start?”

 

Mike flashed a subdued grin, enjoying the dynamics in the relationship between his two good friends, “Now.. John, I’ll have the lab technician come up here right away to draw some blood and we’ll schedule the EEG and an MRI as soon as possible. Marlena.. if you have someone in Neuropsych you’d like to recommend, I’ll set that up too.”

 

“Hey… woah… slow down.. you two.. Would someone mind telling the lay person here… just what the heck is Neuropsych? And a sleep deprived EEG… what’s up with that?”

 

Mike smiled….thinking how quickly he forgot that not everyone knew the meaning of the terms he used so frequently. “I’m sorry, John…Neuropsychology is a specialty, it’s sort of a hybrid between Neurology and Psychology…. They focus on problems that don’t seem to fit nicely in either category… I have a hunch that yours is one of those situations….”

 

Almost immediately John felt on edge, uncomfortable with the direction things were taking. “Oh, I get it… you’re saying….you think I’m losing it… right? This is all just a nice way of saying I’m messed up and you think I need therapy?”

 

Marlena could see him bristling… and wanted to settle him down long enough to explain, “No, John… that’s not it at all. You’re taking this all wrong.. we’re just….”

 

“Doc, I may not know everything you two do. but I *know* what a psychologist is… they’re just one step below you, Dr. Evans…” Rising from the examining table, he shrugged his way into a shirt and nearly leaped to his feet, ” Well, no thanks… I won’t do it… I don’t need *any* of this! I’m out of here…” He was breathing hard and on his way to the door, before they could even respond appropriately.

 

“John… wait.. please,” Mike said as he tried to grasp him by the arm, but the man was too quick. It was too late, John was in the hallway before they could stop him.

 

Marlena sighed tiredly, as she watched the door swing back and forth… “Oh, Mike… I’m sorry about that.. he’s just a little… nervous and uncomfortable about all of this.”

 

Mike Horton was shaking his head and feeling guilty as he too let out a long sigh before speaking. “No, I’m sorry, Marlena… this gets to be so routine for us… and sometimes.. I think we forget that it’s not routine to our patients… even when they’re someone we know. I can understand his reaction… “

 

“Me too.. he’s probably overwhelmed by all the technical terms… even though he’s heard most of them before doesn’t mean he keeps them in mind the way we do… We should have moved a little slower… and given him a chance to absorb it all.. before talking about scheduling all of those tests. I’ll talk to him… go ahead and talk to both departments… maybe if John has a little time to cool down, he’ll see things

differently.”

 

“Sure, Marlena… go ahead… I’ll get the blood work and the EEG scheduled and we’ll go from there.”

 

“Sounds fine, Mike… and thanks for being so understanding. He didn’t mean anything by all of that.”

 

“I know… it’s alright… I’m not upset by it in the least. He has a right to blow off a little steam. It has to be frightening to be having so many headaches and then.. these flashbacks and come out of them without fully remembering what happened.. “

 

“Yes.. even if he won’t admit it… I know he’s scared… and who wouldn’t be.. after what Stefano has done to us all…”

 

Mike nodded and left to go make his calls for consultation while Marlena stepped out to find her distressed fiance… As she guessed, he was standing outside on the nearest terrace overlooking the city of Salem.

 

Slipping up behind him, she threaded her arms underneath his and spoke quietly, “Hey… are you okay?”

 

“Yea… ” he said, sounding discouraged and embarrassed at the same time.

 

“Are you sure…I know that all of this has to be.. pretty unsettling… and that in there… was…. Well, the truth is Mike and I didn’t do a very good job of explaining things to you. I’m sorry.”

 

He turned to face her and drew her into a hug, as much for himself as for her, “That’s okay, Doc… it’s not your fault… I just got… I don’t know… a little… “

 

“Nervous?”

 

His eyes indicated some of that emotion, and then he admitted the same, “I guess so.. yea… “

 

“John… what makes you so nervous.. is it the tests themselves… or what it means?”

 

“Both… I don’t know… I just… I wonder what they’ll find you know… I mean what if…”

 

“What if what, John?”

 

“What if they find some… terrible thing that he’s done to my brain… and there’s nothing we can do about it?”

 

“John… what exactly are you talking about? Do you mean you’re worried about whether Stefano can… do it again?”

 

“Yea.. I guess that’s part of it…yea… I think about it once in awhile.. don’t you?”

 

“Yes, I do… I didn’t think you did, John… I thought you were confident that he never could… “

 

I was.. but that was before the headaches… and the flashbacks…losing control the way I did with Dimera… and today… I don’t understand it, Doc… why now?”

 

“John… it all began after you started in with the hypnosis again. I think we’ve begun to break down the barriers and the memories are starting to surface because of it. You’re well on your way to getting your past back, John.”

 

“Great timing, Doc…”

 

“John… to be perfectly honest here, I’m a little confused by something… For years… all you could talk about was getting your memory back, finding out what kind of life you led and now all of a sudden you don’t want it any more. What’s it all about sweetheart?”

 

He was staring out over the city he’d called home for thirteen years now and wishing it had been for his whole life… “Nothing…. I just.. realized that I’m ready to move on… I don’t need to know all about what I used to be like, where I lived before.. what I used to do… I’m focused on the future, my future with you and the kids… right here in Salem. That’s the life I care about now.”

 

There it was again, he was pulling away from her, physically and emotionally… his manner indicating more than nervousness. She wanted to know why… “John… I understand that… but I don’t know what one has to do with the other. There’s no reason you can’t recapture your past and still put your main focus and attention on the present and future with us. So, explain it to me… why don’t you want to do any more hypnosis.. is it the headaches… are they scaring you off?”

 

“A little maybe….”

 

“Or is it the memories themselves… you still haven’t told me very much about them… What’s in them that makes you want to give it up?”

 

He averted his gaze and turned slightly away from her as he replied, unconvincingly, “Nothing… I just realized that it doesn’t matter any more, Doc… I just want to move forward now…that’s all.”

 

This one time, she felt it was important not to let it go, so she challenged him directly, “John… why don’t I believe you when you say that?”

 

“You tell me,” he said taking a hard line, still avoiding her scrutinizing gaze, and wishing she wasn’t so good at her profession.

 

She pushed out a long breath, exasperated with him for making her spell it out, “Alright… I’ve been giving you the space you seem to need… but I’m becoming more concerned as the days pass… John, you’re on edge much of the time…. I watch you sometimes and I can tell that you’re very troubled. Besides the headaches… you’ve been having bad dreams and flashbacks that you haven’t been telling me about… and I *know* you’ve remembered more about your relationship with Gina then you’re letting on… Sweetheart.. you practically broke into a sprint the other night at the party when Hope approached us…. Something about your past is leaving you terribly unsettled and I think you’re running from it. I think you need to talk about it, John.. before it consumes you and damages our relationship.”

 

He was nodding, and his face indicated his amazement with her powers of observation and insight into his psyche… “Oh boy… does that sound familiar…. Okay. maybe you’re right… Suppose I tell you everything… can you promise me something, Doc?” he asked, wondering how she would feel if he shared his recollections and his assessment of them…

 

“I can promise that nothing you tell me about your past will affect my love for you or my intention to marry you… I love you with my whole heart and soul, John Black, and *nothing* will ever change that. There… how’s that?” she finished with a reassuring smile…

 

When she spoke so lovingly and looked at him like that, his insides turned to mush and he could refuse her nothing…”Oh, Marlena… I love you so much…. And I’m sorry… “

 

“For what, John… you haven’t done anything wrong… “

 

“For holding anything back… you deserve better… Alright.. I’ll tell you everything… and then maybe we can sort it out.. together..”

 

She was nodding and smiling as she leaned in close to plant a soft kiss on his right cheek. Then taking his right hand in her left and giving it a squeeze, she said, “That’s the spirit… this is supposed to be a partnership… isn’t it?”

 

“You bet… I’m sorry I forgot that for a little while,” he said, while his hands moved to cup her gorgeous face, preparing to bring her closer for a more meaningful kiss on the mouth.

 

“You’re forgiven… so.. what do you say we get these tests scheduled, and then you and I go home and have a long talk about all of this…”

 

“Okay.. let’s do that… sorry I over reacted in there… I know we need to find out about what’s happening inside my skull… and I won’t fight it any more… at least I’ll try not to…”

 

“Fair enough… let’s go, honey…” she said pleasantly, enjoying the feeling of warmth that was returning between them. And then he did kiss her, his lips lingering over hers for a moment or two, savoring the sensation of anticipation. At last, his mouth was connecting with hers, his tongue parting her lips effortlessly, then making swift flickering movements stimulating her desire.. “Oh… maybe in a minute or two…”

Marlena managed to whisper, finding herself lost in his kiss and the touch of his hands in her hair and then on her back and then….

 

“Or three….” He said with a sly smile… just before locking lips with the beauty in his arms…

Shocking Discovery

 

Marlena breathed out a quiet sigh of relief as she watched the kettle starting to make steam. Finally, they were at home, the kids were spending a night with their honorary grandparents, Shawn and Caroline Brady, and therefore, she and John could talk. Marlena, who was glad for the time alone, was in the process of making two cups of hot tea and some sandwiches to take upstairs to the bedroom where her husband was awaiting her arrival. He’d been sitting up in bed reading the latest John Grisham novel when she left him to get a light snack for the two of them. It seemed they hadn’t eaten much all day, what with John undergoing various tests to determine what might be the cause of his recent headaches, among other things.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

John was tired and it wasn’t long before his eyes went shut, the book he’d been reading laying open atop his chest, as he drifted off to a restless slumber. Sleep used to be a place of peace and safety, but lately it was a battlefield where the past and the present were waging a desperate war……

 

“““““““““““““““

The impact of the blow was bone jarring… his upper body slamming against the concrete wall with alarming force. It took every ounce of sheer stubborn grit he owned to keep from passing out on the spot as his right shoulder and then his head took the brunt of the damage, but he managed to remain upright. Shaking his head to clear it of the double images his eyes presented “Oh.. ” he groaned, drawing a cautious breath which shot agony through his rib cage. John acknowledged that his opponent was a real Neanderthal type, unlike his own more lean physique. He used the stability of the wall to hold his body weight until he could see straight and take another breath. Then despite the fact that his back and shoulders were battered and bruised almost to the point of numbness, John breathed a sigh of watchful wariness and prepared to dole out some punishment of his own.

 

The man was almost twice his size, but that had never stopped him before. He smiled on some memories of his younger years. John was much quicker than this one, and there were plenty of times he’d taken on a half dozen men nearly as big and lived to tell about it. Size and brute muscle strength were not all there was to excelling at hand to hand combat. If they were, John Black would have been a stiff over a decade ago.

 

He heard the words echoing inside his brain, words spoken by a trainer, or was it a mentor, a father figure? “John, John, John… when will you ever learn… there will always be someone bigger than you, someone faster, somebody stronger than you. To win, you have to control your temper and be smarter…use your cunning and your instincts…trust in them and you will find the path to victory.”

 

‘Smart… fight smart… you can do it… spot his weakness and exploit it until he’s beaten… ‘ John was saying to himself as he circled his opponent, watching every move the man made…noticing the brute was favoring his right leg. Without a hint of his next action, John swept the man off his feet, then kicked that weak leg at the knee with his right foot, effectively crippling his adversary in the process and then popping up quickly, ready for the kill….

 

John Black, soldier of fortune felt the heady rush of adrenaline that always came just before he made his final move on an opponent. It was a sensation he craved… he felt so alive, so completely in touch with his own inner strength and power. There was never any other time when he felt this swell of emotion. It was so completely visceral and he found himself getting lost in anticipation of the kill. ‘Prepare to die, you bastard!!’ he was saying to himself, his hand raised to make the final blow to the man’s vulnerable neck. Then some command echoed inside his brain and his head was on fire…

 

““““““““““““““““`

“AH!!” he cried, feeling that pain in all its intensity, as if it were happening in the present. His awakening was abrupt and forceful, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead as he sat bolt upright in bed, his hands moving instinctively toward the source of the pain, eyes wide open and staring, his breathing ragged, as if worn out from extreme exertion.

 

Marlena’s eyes shot open when she heard the sound come out of his mouth, just as she reached the doorway to their master bedroom. It was an indefinable sigh that was almost a groan, embodying a strange mixture of emotions, the chief of which appeared to be a stunned disbelief.

 

She waited for him to speak, but he sat in silence for a moment or two with his hands at his temples, then climbed out of the bed without ever really looking at her, possibly even unaware of her presence in the room. He seemed lost in thought, worried because of whatever it was he dreamed about moments beforehand. John stood still and silent, staring out over the city from the terrace outside the master suite, the only outward sign of his distress a slight tremble of his bare shoulders.

 

At last, when Marlena could stand the tense silence no more, she asked him the question he knew was coming, purposely not moving too much closer to him. “Honey… do you want to tell me about that?”

 

He shook his head, blew out a long breath and smiled strangely, not knowing where to start even if he did, with the dream or what he thought it meant. “Not especially, no…”

 

“John, I thought we had this settled at the hospital earlier today…. If I’m going to help you, you have to tell me everything that happens… including the nightmares.”

 

Turning to face her, he denied the truth of what was happening, “I didn’t say anything about nightmares…. What makes you…” he started to ask and then realized that it was painfully obvious what just happened. His rapid breathing was a dead giveaway, his forehead was sweaty, and his hands were still shaking slightly… “Oh…yea..” he said, not admitting to anything, but not denying it either, moving to look out the window again.

 

“So… tell me about it, maybe it means something…”she said, finally crossing the distance from the table where she’d set the tray, to stand behind him.

 

For a long minute, he simply stared out over the expanse of lights, heaving a heavy sigh before replying, “Yea… okay…… It was about the time when Stefano was training me… I was fighting off these apes.. I was smaller, but I was smarter… he always taught me to fight smart, and I did.”

 

Knowing there was more to the story, she probed gently, “And…. “

 

His response was not convincing, but he tried to sound casual and unconcerned, “That’s it… “

 

She didn’t believe it… none of that would make him wake up in a cold sweat…his body trembling. “No, John, there’s more to it than that and I know it, so don’t try to deny it. What was it that made you so upset… please honey… if you want me to help you with all of this, you have to talk to me.”

 

“I did… I have been… look…it was just a dream about being in a fight, okay… no big deal… I’m just… hot… so I think I’ll get a shower now, Doc… why don’t you go on and get some sleep, okay?” he said, imploring her not to demand anything more of him.

 

Marlena sighed and honored his request. Now was not the time to push; he was clearly shaken up by whatever was in that dream. Hopefully, when he was calm and rational, he would find a way to share it with her. Watching him as he prepared to step into the shower, she couldn’t hold back, “Oh, John… I wish you would stop trying to protect me from whatever it is you’re remembering. Nothing you tell me will change the way I feel about you…you know that, so please trust me and let me in…”

 

“Doc… I *told* you… it was nothing. Now leave me alone!” he said, raising his voice a little louder than intended, shutting the shower door harder than he intended. Knowing he’d hurt her, John sighed with exasperation, at himself, at her and the situation itself. Speaking from behind the glass shower door, he apologized, “I’m sorry… I’m just…tired. Please, Marlena… let this be… I’m fine…really.” He hoped the tone of his voice was persuasive enough to get her to let him alone for the moment.

 

Again she sighed, resisting the urge to press for more… “Okay… John, okay… if that’s the way you want it… I’ll let it go for now. Good night,” she said, feeling disappointed in him, but cognizant she would get nowhere by pushing. He would tell her when he felt safe enough… At least that’s what her training and experience told her. As she turned to leave, planning to pour herself a cup of the tea she’d made, she pondered a question, ‘Oh, honey… I wonder who it is you think you’re protecting… me or yourself…’

 

Thinking she was hurt, he tried to end the contact on a more positive note, calling out to her, “Night, Doc.. I love you.”

 

I love you too, John… ” As she closed the door behind her she muttered another comment he didn’t hear, “I just wish that would make the difference for you right now. Why are you hiding things from me, my love? What are you so afraid of, John?”

 

Inside the shower, her fiance let the heated spray soak through his bones, willing it to cleanse away the darkness he felt slowly creeping up from deep within his soul, the side of him he sometimes sensed was there but hoped to never know. Somehow, in all the years since he learned he wasn’t Roman Brady, when he thought he’d been a Priest, a good man kidnapped and transformed against his will into another man, he was able to live with what happened. John could deal with it because it wasn’t really his fault.

 

He had believed with all his heart that he was a good man forced to do the wicked man’s bidding, that Stefano was to blame for all of the pain Marlena and the Brady family suffered. John Black was simply another victim of the deluded megalomaniac’s evil schemes. Now, it seemed there were other possibilities, and it scared him to the core of his being. What if it weren’t all forced upon him? What if I liked some of what I was doing for that bastard? What if it wasn’t all because of the brainwashing? How would Doc handle knowing that I wanted it…that I liked how it felt to… kill?

 

John stared at his hands, now trembling again… thinking back on the dream. It made him shudder to think of it. Stefano maybe…or someone who was trying to hurt Marlena, but this was different. He was about to kill a man with his bare hands and he was loving every second of it, his heart racing in breathless anticipation of the moment when he took the man’s life. John struggled to come to terms with the meaning of the dream… or was it a memory… His body was shaking even as he stood in the stream of warm water, as a sudden chill ran down his spine. ‘No…no, it was just a dream…. that’s not me… it can’t be… no…’ he said to himself, shaking his head and searching himself… was it a real memory? Was that the *real* John Black.. a heartless cold blooded killer?

 

Marlena was in bed, relaxing, her eyes fighting sleep, when the quiet peacefulness of the night was shattered. She heard him yell, his voice filled with horrified disgust… “It can’t be true! No….NO!”

 

In less than seconds she was at the bathroom door, frantically pounding on it and calling out to the man she loved, “John.. what is it? What’s wrong… honey, let me in… John!”

Mental Dilemmas

 

Marlena leaped off the bed and was at the bathroom door in a matter of seconds, knocking insistently, fear grasping hold of her heart, “John… let me in… please…”

 

Her fiancE9e called out to her, trying to quell her fears for him, as he stepped out of the shower, working hard to dismiss all traces of the unsettling memories, “I’m fine, Doc… I’ll be right out… really.”

 

“John, I heard you yelling…. What’s going on?” she asked, not convinced.

 

In the next moment, he was coming out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, a casual disarming smile on his face… “I told you, Marlena… I’m fine… stop worrying so much.”

 

Grasping his arm as he walked by, she confronted him directly, “John… I want you to stop this… you’re lying to me… “

 

“Lying… what makes you think I’m lying to you, Doc?” he said, his blue eyes fiery with anger.

 

“At the very least.. you’re hiding things… holding something back…You said you would tell me everything, John… if you aren’t honest about what’s happening, I can’t help you.”

 

“You know what, Doc…. I think we should just forget all about my past… and concentrate on planning our future together… you know… set a wedding date,” he said, winking at her with a hint of seductiveness, wishing she would just let it go.

 

“I would like to, John.. I really would.”

 

“Then do… just do,” he said, his voice taut with frustration, tugging his arm away, tired of the whole ordeal with his memories.

 

“You’re forgetting something, John.”

 

He said nothing, but his eyes told her he didn’t want to hear it. “Okay, I’ll bite… and what is that, Doc?” he asked in spite of himself, as he headed toward the dresser.

 

Following closely behind him, she stepped around to face off with him, ensuring that he was listening. “You’ve been having violent flashbacks and terrible headaches, John… you almost fell to your death a couple of days ago, you came close to choking Stefano, and today, you almost shot and killed any number of innocent people at Fort Salem. I’d say that constitutes at least a small problem with your plan to just… forget about the past.”

 

She kept reminding him and it made him mad; he didn’t want to focus on those things, because it made some part of him acknowledge that she was right, that something serious was transpiring inside his brain. “Alright… alright, I get your point! So what do you propose we do about it, exactly?”

 

“I propose you go into therapy … that you actively pursue it instead of trying to ignore what obviously won’t go away on it’s own, that’s what I propose.”20

 

At first he said nothing and wouldn’t meet her gaze, so she pressed him for a response, grasping his forearm as he tried to step away from her again, “John, you can’t run from this… you can’t just force the memories down… you must know that by now. And trying to distract me with romance and wedding plans isn’t going to work. I’m worried, and not just as your fiancE9e. I’m speaking professionally here, as a Doctor of Psychiatry, John.”

 

He shook his head and negated her idea, “No, no way, Doc! I’m not going to let anybody psychoanalyze me… If you’re talking about hypnotism… okay, I’m game for that.. but nothing more.” His blue eyes were icy, but she could see the fear behind them, and he knew… but he stood his ground, his breathing ragged as if from exertion. They were both aware that it was anxiety driven, but for now that aspect of his situation would go unspoken.

 

“Fair enough… but I think it should include someone other than me… I shouldn’t engage in treating you at all. I’m much too close to you to be objective about this, so… I’d like to involve Laura, if that’s alright with you.”

 

He was resigned. It was clear she wasn’t going to let it drop…”Yea… okay…if you think it’s for the best.”

 

“I do… John… Honey, I love you… and I’m giving you my best professional advice here.. this isn’t something you can just forget about. These memories are pushing their way to the surface for a reason and once the process has begun… you can’t just turn it off like you’re turning off a water faucet. It’s going to happen whether you like it or not. You’re going to regain your memories, John.. isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?” she asked, reaching out to place a caring hand on his upper arm, silently imploring him to meet her compassionate gaze.

 

“Yea… I guess so… ” he said, not quite looking at her as he sensed she wanted.

 

He sounded so discouraged and she still didn’t understand. He’d spent nearly a decade investigating his past, trying desperately to regain his memories and now he wanted to walk away from it, at the very time he had his best chance to recover his missing years. “John.. open up with me….what’s bothering you about all of this? What are you so afraid of?”

 

She wouldn’t stop pushing and it was getting to him… his own fears trying to take a stronghold… “Nothing, Doc..I’m not afraid of anything.. really, I just want to move on… that’s all! Why can’t you accept that?” he asked, wishing she would take what he said at face value.

 

It didn’t ring true. Her mind took her back to the early days of the past they shared, to a time when he knew nothing about himself or his life before meeting her. He’d said almost those same words.. sitting on the other side of a desk, laboring to seem calm and self assured when the opposite was true. “Now, do I look like the kind of guy to be afraid of anything?” he’d asked, and he was nervous, a light sweat breaking out on his forehead. Her eyes met those of her fiancE9e and she saw a shadow of that same unspoken terror in his slightly hidden blue eyes.

 

Ignoring the meaning of their soundless exchange, John continued stating his case, “I think I know enough about my past and I want to focus on you and the kids, and the life I have now. End of story.”

 

“Okay… I understand that, I do… and I agree… but, John.. if you’re struggling with the past, if you’re concerned about the kind of man you were and that man is fighting for control….. the *only* way you can beat it is to fight it openly.”

 

The frustration was mounting, as some of the images from the past several weeks flashed in his mind. Being with Gina or Hope or whoever it was in the park that day… feeling the feelings of the man he once was, fighting off a brute, ready and anxiously anticipating the kill, standing on the terrace wall, hearing Stefano’s commanding voice echo inside his head… “No, Doc… you’ve got it all wrong.. it’s not like that…” he said with a slightly shaky voice, fighting back the unnerving sense that the old persona did want to take control. It was so confusing and he didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it.

 

He was covering, but not very well… “Oh, honey… I can see that you’re tormented by this… John, as hard as it may be… you have to admit it to me, you have to tell me… what you’re remembering. I can handle it… *we* can handle it, John.”

 

Blowing out a long breath, he conceded very little, “It’s nothing really… scattered images mostly… I can’t put much of it together,” he said, hoping she would let it go at that for the time being, until he could make some sense out of it for himself.

 

“That’s okay… that will come.. in time… “

 

He nodded, frustrated that he couldn’t seem to get any control over it. The memories came at the strangest times, and the vivid nightmares and flashbacks were unsettling, especially when taken out of context. He had no frame of reference now that it was pretty clear he wasn’t ever a real Priest… And if he weren’t a Priest.. what was he, who was he before Stefano brainwashed him? Was he already working for or with the bastard… Were the brainwashing and the stint as Roman Brady intended as punishment or a reward, or perhaps a test of some sort? The more he recalled, the more questions arose to torment him… It was maddening.

 

Marlena looked at her man, noticing that he had faded out on her again, his attention focused on internal stimuli… “John, honey… what’s going on?”

 

Shaking his head, he neglected to tell her what he was thinking about… it was too soon to add her speculation to the mix… “Nothing… I’m just… tired. Let’s call it a night, okay?”

 

“Alright… we can talk more about this tomorrow morning… “

 

“Yea.. sure…tomorrow…” he said with a weary sigh, toweling off his hair. Next, he ran his fingers through it and smoothed it slightly, then pulled on a clean white pair of underwear and climbed under the covers.

 

He was lying on his left side, exposing the one permanent visible marker of his time as Stefano’s so-called pawn. She sat down next to him and leaned toward his bare back, the slender fingers of her hand tracing the outline of the Phoenix tattoo on his right shoulder. He flinched instinctively, the memory of the moment it was burned onto his skin returning with the contact… “I was thinking I should have that removed… I don’t know why I keep forgetting. Does it bother you?” he asked her, straining his neck to look, reaching for it with his left hand.

 

“I don’t know… it’s a.. reminder of your past… “

 

“Yea… an unpleasant one… ” John sighed, turning toward her, leaning in to hold her closer, “Oh, Doc… he stole so much… from us… from Roman…Bo and Hope.. it makes me sick… “

 

“Me too, honey.. me too… I thought you wanted to remember so you could put him away, for all his crimes.”

 

“I don’t know… I guess so yea… you know I used to think that remembering would change everything for me, that it would make me feel complete… you know… like there was this part of me that was missing and if I could just.. remember then I could fill that empty space… “

 

He was so unpredictable lately; sullen and withdrawn one minute, and then suddenly angry, firing off sharp replies. In another, he was soft and vulnerable as he was in this moment, “And now…” she prompted, her voice calm and inviting.

 

He reached up to touch her, tracing the line of her cheek with his right left foreginger while leaning on his right elbow. Gazing into her loving eyes, he said, “Now… I guess I’m figuring out that I’ve been fooling myself… and the best way to fill that space is to fill my life up, with you.. the kids.. the Brady family… our friends.. work, and let go of the past.”

 

Taking that hand, bringing it to her lips for a kiss, she accepted his motivation but shared her opinion as to its feasibility, “It’s a fine idea if you can do it, John… but you and I both know… your past won’t let you… For some reason… probably because of what happened in Europe paired with Greta’s arrival in Salem, and our attempts at hypnosis… you have begun the process of overcoming the barriers Stefano placed in your mind.”

 

Nodding, he sighed tiredly. Then he agreed with her, and asked for a moratorium on the subject, “Okay…you’re right, but for tonight… let’s try to forget about all of that… just for a little while,” he said, laying his weary head on the pillow.

 

“Alright, John…we will… ” Waiting for a moment, until she heard his breathing settle she touched his back again and asked sweetly, “Will you hold me please?”

 

He sighed and turned toward he with a broad smile, pleased at the invitation, “Gladly…. I’ll never get tired of taking you in my arms… “

 

“Good… now.. one more question for you, John Black… would you please make love to me?”

 

“Oh, and I thought you’d never ask me, baby…. Prepare to have your socks knocked off, honey…” he said with steadily increasing enthusiasm as his hands began undressing her, gently slipping her powder blue robe off her shoulders, providing him ready access to the softness of her skin.

 

Marlena replied in kind, pleased to see the light come back to his eyes, “Ooh… sounds wonderful to me! I always love it when that happens!” she said, sighing with the satisfaction that even during periods of stress and tension, their love would endure. She wanted to have that same confidence that no matter what came of John’s investigation into his past, their relationship would survive whatever was revealed, even flourish in the long run.20

 

John was kissing her neck and then his hand caressed her breasts and she couldn’t hold those thoughts in her head, her body responding powerfully to his touch, as it always did. She softly moaned as his mouth captured hers in a stirring kiss meant to take her on a journey she could only travel when she was with this man whom she loved so deeply.

 

Her lover smiled… he was pleasing her and they were fully immersed in the present, no more talk of past lives, no visions of evil deeds, lies or deception, only the heated sensations of lovemaking…..

Waiting For Another Lover

 

She’s waiting for another love

She’s waiting for another love…..

 

It was magical the way his touch and his kisses made her fears disappear. He knew it was working, she was distracted, lost in their love and he breathed a sigh of relief. A reprieve had been granted. John deepened the kiss, his tongue slipping around hers, lingering, caressing hers, his own desire increasing as he heard the soft whimper of a moan escape from the mouth of his lover. “Mmm, oh, John…. “

 

“I love you…. don’t think about anything… just let yourself go, let me love you, Doc..”

 

She had no choice but to follow his lead, her body and soul enraptured by his masterful lovemaking. She seldom told him exactly how much control he had over her, but when he loved her like this, she was utterly defenseless, welcoming the surrender of her will to his sensual ministrations. His hands were all over her body, massaging, stimulating, gently bringing her desire on. Her breath quickened, her body writhing as his fingers made a fast rhythmic motion, stimulating her greatest pleasure zone, then stopped suddenly. “Oh, John….” she cried, wanting more.

 

She’s been waiting for another love

Someone that she can show into her heart…….

She waiting for another love

She’s waiting for another love

 

He smiled, satisfied to have such a control over his lover…. she was breathless and waiting for him to take her. It had always been an element of their lovemaking but this was different somehow. John suddenly found himself wanting to own her, to possess her, body and soul…. As his movements became more forceful, Marlena looked at him, her hazel eyes questioning his slightly hidden blue ones, searching for something she couldn’t identify, something neither of them could name.

 

And when she finally finds a stronger love

Your whole world’s gonna fall apart……

 

John banished the questions in his mind and captured her mouth again, kissing her with an animal strength, making an almost guttural sound of aggression as she moaned again, this time with desperation and a hint of fear. She shifted underneath him and he took her hands and pinned them above her head with his left hand as the other nearly ravaged her genitals…. at the same time his mouth and tongue made a moist a trail from lips to navel, his hot breath upon the wetness creating a nearly frenzied desire. “Oh… John…” she cried, aching for him, craving him, unable to wait much longer.

 

He stared into her eyes hungrily, drinking in her breathless need, reveling in her cries, lording his power over her…. She wanted him, but she knew in that split second, this was not the man she fell in love with… he was different…his need to dominate palpable. He answered her unspoken suspicion with a kiss, his throbbing hardness pressing upon her slender sexiness, then entering without asking further permission. In seconds he was thrusting and she was arching to meet him, her hands still trapped, unable to touch him, her quivering desire increasing with each passing second.

 

She couldn’t do anything but feel the heated tingling magic of love’s shared physical elation. The harder he pushed, the more she wanted, the better the pleasure.. It was rough, even forceful, but incredibly satisfying, a scintillating element of danger involved. Together, they lost all control, giving into the passion of the moment, immersing themselves in sensation. “You are mine, Marlena.. mine forever… ” he said as his hands firmly kneaded the soft roundness of her breasts.

 

You’ve been abusing her for far too long

Think you’re the king and she’s your pawn….

 

“Yes… yes…. Oh… I need you so…. ” she said in a ragged throaty whisper. The pleasure was so intense, she found tears forming, not exactly certain from where they came.

 

He nodded and kissed her even more aggressively, his teeth biting into the tender flesh of her lips… his hands working on her backside, pulling her body even closer. She responded in kind, biting his lips and then his neck. He nearly growled, and finished them off with one last masterful thrust, as his tongue licked at her neck and ears, then caressed her breasts, swiping at her nipples… making her moan again. She was helpless… whimpering, crying with an overwhelming passion that demanded its reward…. “Oh, John.. Oh!”

 

At last they reached a mutual peak of pleasure, intense waves of ecstasy washing over ever nerve cell…. They fell back on the bed, lying side by side on their backs… sated and spent, basking in the golden afterglow…..

 

He laid there in silence, listening to the sounds of their still heaving breath… waiting and wondering…. Does she know?

 

Finally, when it could go unspoken no longer, she rolled onto her left side, propping her head on her hand and asked him the question he knew was inevitable. “John… that was…. incredible…. it was… amazing…. but it wasn’t you…. I was with another lover, John… a man I don’t know….. do you want to talk to about it?”

 

Get ready now, cause pretty soon

She’ll be gone and you’ll be on your own…….

 

He said nothing, snatching at the sheet that had ended up on his side anyway, whipping it off the bed and around himself as he stood up at the bedside, feeling suddenly vulnerable and yet angered by her confrontation.

 

She sat up and commanded him, unwilling to let the problems go ignored any longer, “John… don’t do it….. don’t you walk away from me again!”

 

He fired back at her, “Or what, Doc….”

 

Rising from the bed also, gathering her robe around her as she approached him from behind, Marlena didn’t let his bluster deter her, “Dn’t you *dare* challenge me, John…. this is a partnership… if you expect me to marry you, then you owe it to me to be honest about what’s happening to you.”

 

His brow furrowed, his mouth agape, he responded powerfully, “I *owe* it to you? So now you’re saying there’s a debt between us?”

 

“Basically, yes…. now, come out with it…. what was that just now?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about… that was just… variety… don’t you get a little bored once in awhile…. Besides….I didn’t hear you complaining, Doc,” he said, narrowing his gaze. “You loved it….” he said with a certain male pride.

 

A smile escaped despite the seriousness of the situation, “No… I wasn’t complaining….it was… amazing… but it worries me, John….”

 

“Worried… Doc, aren’t you being a little melodramatic here?” he said, turning away and advancing toward the window, needing to escape her scrutinizing gaze.

 

“Stop it, just *stop* it, John Black!” she shouted demandingly. The more he evaded her questions, the more concerned she became. Something dangerous and frightening was transpiring inside his mind, and he wouldn’t face it.

 

With every ounce of determination he possessed, John forced the emotions back and responded almost casually, “There you see…. it’s like you said… I’m John Black, your fiancE9e… and I’m fine… I just wanted to make it good for you, Marlena… nothing more… now can we please move on from this?”

 

She stood firm, facing him directly, “No… we can’t! Not until you admit to me that the past has a hold on you again, not until you admit to me that the man I just made love with was a man from the past, a man you’ve been running from for weeks now.”

 

That one hooked him, and he whirled around to face her, frustrated and angry, “Running… you think I’ve been running?”

 

“Yes…. I think you’re scared…. Oh, you’re covering it fairly well, I’ll give you that, but yes…. I think you’re scared because you thought the past was something you could control, something you could take or leave. But then you started having these flashbacks….they’re very disturbing to you and you definitely can’t control them… not when they come, what brings them on, or how you’ll react when they hit. John, honey…. anyone would be upset by what’s happening. You don’t have to pretend with me…”

 

I see the hunger burning in her eye

Any fool could see there’s something wrong…..

 

Shaking his head, he denied her concerns completely, sighing with exasperation, “Look… if I was a little… rough with you just now…. I’m sorry.. and I apologize if it scared you… but that doesn’t mean I was some.. other person…. I’m still the man you fell in love with… the man who went down on my knees to propose to you… “

 

He was almost convincing, but she knew better… “Yes, of course you are, John… but something is happening to that man… something he’s trying desperately to pretend doesn’t exist. I’m afraid of what might happen if he continues to deny the truth.”

 

She’d pushed him too far, and his anger flared, “You know… I’m getting SO tired of this! So, I’ve had a couple of flashbacks… so what! Nothing happened… you’re fine, I’m fine… even that Bastard Dimera is fine…”

 

You keep pretending not to care

But I will hear you sing different song….

 

Her eyes wouldn’t let it go and it felt as if she were staring straight into his very soul. Then she voiced it, arguing from a point of strength, “John…. that’s sheer luck and you know it… the outcome could have been disastrous any one of those times…”

 

Unnerved, he was compelled to escape from her penetrating assessment of his troubled psyche…. “I’m going for a walk, I’ll see you later, Doc, ” he said, tossing on a pair of discarded jeans and a pullover long sleeve shirt, grabbing a pair of boots on his way past her.

 

She’s waiting for another love…….

 

Marlena reached out to take hold of his right forearm, hoping to stop him… her voice soft but insistent, “No, John… don’t keep running from this, please… for all our sakes.”

 

She’s waiting for another love…

 

John said nothing more, just glanced down at her hand, then snatched his arm away and stepped out of the bedroom, leaving her alone with her worries. She sighed wearily, wondering what the future held in store if he continued along the path of denial. The last sound she heard was the slamming of the front door.

 

Waiting for another lover

Hoping for the time that she’ll find another…….

 

**Lyrics appearing in the body of the chapter were borrowed from the Eric Clapton song entitled She’s Waiting.

Missing Time/Missing Memories

 

Sitting out on one of the benches at the pier, John Black peered up toward the heavens. It was late and the sky was darker than normal. How fitting that a thick cover of clouds should block out the twinkling brightness of the stars on a night when he so needed their guiding light. It was getting harder and harder to feel any sense of guidance or direction these days. The memory flashes were beyond disturbing and tonight… he could actually feel that other man… the one who had quietly and patiently lurked within his subconscious for so long… the one who could kill in cold blood and think nothing of it.

 

Apparently, the mercenary, or whatever he was, wanted a voice…. and he was fighting his way to the surface… but why now? when everything was just about to be so perfect… Why!

 

The answer came in the form of another voice, one that still haunted him from time to time… ‘Because you couldn’t let it go, John…. I warned you both, did I not?’ Oh shut up, Old Man! I don’t need to hear from you!’ he said to himself, wondering if he really were losing it…. Would he never be free of Dimera’s hold over his mind or his life?

 

The worst part of it was Marlena. After what happened during the past few days, she knew…. and if she didn’t… this night most certainly confired every suspicion she had about what was happening to him. She was right about the man who made love to her; it was some strange hybrid of the two personas… his more aggressive nature showing itself after the flashback had unsettled him. It was terrifying to think that other man could take over like that. Marlena knew it and wanted him to face it…

 

But how could he? How could he admit that he was losing control of his mind?

 

‘No, that’s not going to happen, John… she’s worried over nothing… don’t let this rattle you… come on…. it’s just Dimera’s way of messing with your head..’ Dimera…. he’s the cause of all of this…these damn memory flashes…and those wicked headaches…. Almost on cue, his mind took him back to another time and place again… a time when he was in training….learning the details of hand to hand combat.

 

In every physical confrontation, he was swift and brutal….

 

“Ah, John…. you’re coming along quite nicely. Lieutenant Brooks says you’re the best he’s ever trained… you should be proud, son.”

 

The younger man saluted and grinned with satisfaction to see the approval in the dark eyes he looked up to…. “Yes sir…. I always want to be the best I can for you, Sir!

 

“For yourself, John… do it for yourself… and you will serve me well….”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

With the memory came another piercing headache. ‘No… no that’s not who I am…. is it?’ he questioned…. as the images faded and the merciless pounding continued unabated for two or three exhaustingly long minutes. The fatigue having caught up with him, John laid down on the bleacher seat for a moment or two and shut his weary eyes.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next thing he knew he was being awakened by a firm commanding voice, and two hands upon his shoulders, preparing to place handcuffs on his wrists.

 

“John Black… you are under arrest for the charge of felony assault. You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney..”

 

“I know my rights… how about telling me who I was supposed to have assaulted?”

 

A familiar voice rang out…. “Stefano Dimera… he’s in the hospital as we speak, probably in surgery.”

 

Alarmed, John struggled to turn toward the source of it, “Abe! I swear…. I didn’t do it… I don’t know what he’s been telling you, but I didn’t do it… “

 

“John I saw you driving toward the Dimera Mansion and Marlena said you left the house earlier…. that you were… upset… angry.”

 

“So..I went for a drive… I don’t make a habit of going to beat up Dimera every time I’m upset..

 

“Well then, where did you go, what did you do, John?”

 

“I went down to the pier.. I was alone Abe!”

 

“Did you run into anybody… “

 

“Come on, Abraham.. you know what it’s like late at night along the waterfront… a few winos…maybe.. but nobody who would come forth to save me from a conviction.”

 

“John, Illiana said you were there…at the Mansion and you were arguing with Stefano… she said she thought you’d left and she didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary, but when she came downstairs, she found Stefano in a bloody heap.”

 

“I swear.. I didn’t… I didn’t hit him…” Instinctively, Abe grabbed for his friend’s right hand…then his left. The knuckles were split open.. and crusted layer of blood had formed over a one inch cut, “Then how’d you hurt your hands, John?”

 

“I don’t know… I don’t… remember hitting him?” John said, his tone indicating a questioning of his own memory. How could it have happened that he didn’t remember an incident like that one.

 

“So you admit you were there?”

 

“Okay… yea… I was there, but I didn’t beat him up, Abe.. ” Suddenly his head was gripped by a fierce headache, worse than the others…”Oh!” he gasped in pain just before he sagged in the arms of the officer who’d been holding him by his shoulders.

 

“John… hey, buddy…. are you alright?” Abe asked as they laid him on the carpet of green grass covering the ball field.

 

It took a long while, but finally he began to respond, his eyelids fluttering wildly. “What… what happened?” he asked, when he came around.

 

“You went out on me….do you remember anything?”

 

A look of pure bewilderment clouded the features of his face and he shook his head, his eyes narrowed. “No, nothing…. “

 

“John… I hate having to do this, but I have to take you into custody tonight…. Stefano was badly beaten and according to Illiana you were the only one who visited him tonight.”

 

“But I didn’t….” A memory flashed in his head. He was yelling, shaking the man, then it was gone… “I..” He stopped mid-sentence, left to ponder what did happen. “At least … I don’t remember doing it….”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

What *was* that obnoxious noise anyway…. so insistent… so ear piercing. Finally it began to register what was happening. John bolted upright, his eyes opening wide and trying to take in his surroundings, fragments of a disturbing dream fading swiftly.

 

A phone…it was a phone. His cell phone was ringing. “Hello..” he said, sounding bewildered, feeling the same.

 

Marlena’s heart flooded with relief and she let out a long sigh as she shared her response, “Oh, John… thank God! I’ve been worried sick about you…. where are you?”

 

“Um…. I’m not sure… I uh… I was out of it for awhile there… must have fallen asleep.”

 

“Honey…. you don’t sound so good…. what’s going on and where are you?”

 

“I uh… I guess I was tired…. I think I’m… I’m in the ballpark… yea… I’m sitting on the bleachers at a baseball diamond.”

 

What on earth…. he sounded groggy and disoriented. “John…. you’ve been missing for several hours…. do you remember where you’ve been all this time?”

 

His hand went to the back of his head… it was throbbing….. he searched his mind for an answer…. and found none. “No….all I know is where I am right now…”

 

“John…. why don’t you come on home…. “

 

He stood up…. felt woozy and sat back down immediately, exclaiming a surprised, “Woah…. that’s not gonna happen..”

 

She could almost hear the dizziness in his voice….. “John… are you okay?”

 

“Just a little cloudy…. must have stood up too fast.”

 

“Sweety, are you okay to make it home?

 

There was silence on the line…. and then all she could hear was his slightly rapid breathing. “Please, talk to me, John… why don’t you come home?”

 

It came to him…. as he thought about doing what she suggested. Through trembling lips he told her, “The truth is…. I think… that I must have..stayed out here… because… I couldn’t get back home…. I don’t know….. how. Doc, I don’t.. r…. remember where…. home is….”

 

He sounded embarrassed and terrified at the same time, and understandably so… ‘Oh My God… it’s worse than we could have imagined!’ She kept her own fear from reaching her voice, “Okay, honey…. it’s okay… I’ll come and get you…. it’s alright, John… you’ve been through an awful lot these past several days….”

 

Again he said nothing and a distressing thought occurred, “John…. sweety… are you hurt?”

 

He squinted with the effort it took to think clearly, “Hurt…. I uh….. got a nasty headache…” Again, he reached his hand toward the source of the pain…and came away with something sticky on his fingers. Holding his hand in the light, John saw what it was. “Oh…” he gasped.

 

“What…John… what’s wrong?” she asked, becoming more alarmed by the second.

 

“Blood…. there’s blood,” he said, sounding dazed and confused.

 

There was further cause for worry… he had head injury on top of the difficulties which she believed were related to post traumatic stress. “Where honey…. where is the blood?”

 

“Uh… on my hands….it’s from the back of my head….”

 

“Anywhere else John… are you hurt anywhere else?”

 

He moved closer to the light…. and then he saw it…. he was covered in it. His voice shaking with horror, he answered, “Uh.. yea… it’s on my shirt… and my pants… Doc, there’s blood everywhere…. it’s all over me….”

 

‘Oh, my God, John!’ What could have happened…. what was he doing all those hours he couldn’t remember? “John… are you sure you don’t remember anything that happened tonight after you left the house?”

 

He shook his head, unable to reply at first. It was mortifying not to know. Finally, some words were there, “No… nothing…. I don’t remember.. anything.”

 

Panic threatened to overwhelm her as well, but she labored to stay as calm and collected as possible. “John…. I want you to lie down…. I’m on my way to find you… stay where you are…”

 

Reality was beginning to filter through the haze, “Marlena…. you were right…. something terrible is happening to me… to my mind… isn’t it?”

 

His anxiety was palpable. She had to settle him somehow. “John…. listen to me… it’s going to be alright… please just lie down… and close your eyes… and then I’ll be there before you know it…”

 

“You’re the only one, Doc… you’re the only one who understands… the only one I can trust…..”

 

She sensed she was losing him… that he was going to bolt from the scene or fade out on her… “Yes…yes, you can trust me, John…. I’ll help you…. you know I will.” Before he could respond, the sound of several sirens blared loudly through the telephone from his end.

 

“John… what’s happening… please… talk to me, honey…. John, answer me!” she screamed in desperation.

 

But he didn’t answer. The line went dead. ‘Oh, God, John….’

 

Uncertain whether the blood John described was from wounds he’d received or inflicted, Marlena raced toward the closet to retrieve her medical bag, rushed out the door, thankful the children were staying with the Brady’s at the Pub.

 

Almost immediately after starting her car’s engine and putting it in gear, she heard the radio announcement that answered some of her questions and created still more. “Again, I repeat… Stefano Dimera has been admitted to University Hospital following a vicious beating that apparently took place in the living room of his home. Our sources stationed at the hospital report that he is in the ICU in critical condition following surgery to correct some of the damage done by the assailant. As further information about his condition or possible suspects in the beating becomes available, we will relay it to our listeners.

 

It was one of her worst nightmares in reality. She had often wondered if this day would come… when John lost control and tried to kill Stefano with his bare hands. “Oh, no, John…. no…..it can’t be…. it just can’t be true….”

 

En route, she tried to call him on his cell phone again. Instead of hearing his voice, she listened to a message she didn’t care for, “The cellular customer you are trying to reach is unavailable, or has traveled out of the service area. Please try your call again.”

 

“Oh, John…. where are you…. and what happened tonight?” She stopped and turned to the Lord for help, “Please God…. guide me to him… he’s in such danger now… and he needs me so badly.”

 

By the time she reached the ballpark she thought John meant, *her* cellular phone was ringing. Hoping it was the man she loved, Marlena answered it eagerly, but gasped when she heard the caller’s voice.

 

“Marlena… it’s Abe…. I hate to have to even ask you this…. but do you know where John is? Have you heard from him since he left the house?”

 

She couldn’t speak for the lump in her throat and the fear that instantly took a hold of her heart and soul. John was in serious trouble. It was obvious that Abe had already called the Brady’s as well as the Penthouse, learning that the children and their parents were not at home. He knew Marlena only used her cell phone when she was out of the house. Otherwise she had it shut down. And, because Abe was calling her in this fashion, it stood to reason that he’d already tried John’s cell phone number, having gotten the same message she just did. By virtue of reaching her this way, he obtained vital information. Logically, he had concluded that the soon to be married couple was not together, and that Marlena was probably on her way to meet him after having been in contact by telephone.

She couldn’t very well pretend that she wasn’t there. She had already said hello, but neither could she let the caller know she was out looking for John. “Marlena… it’s Abe Carver, are you there?”

 

She cleared her throat and answered awkwardly, “Uh, yes… yes, I’m here, Abe. I’m sorry I was….distracted for a moment. Sorry about that. Now, what did you need?”

 

“It’s okay. So have you heard from John?”

 

She lied to protect her man, “Uh, no, I uh… I haven’t. Why, is something wrong, Abe?” she asked as innocently as possible, realizing that she was lying to his best friend.

 

“Haven’t you heard the news?”

 

“No, what news?”

 

“About Stefano. He’s been admitted to the hospital after a vicious beating. It happened tonight at the Mansion.”

 

Hiding her fears, she reacted defensively, “Oh, so the very first person you thought of was my husband, is that it?” At the same time, she was heading straight to the one place she prayed she would find him, before the cops thought to look there.

 

“Marlena… he does have good reason,” Abe said, wincing as the words came out of his mouth. This wasn’t going down the way he had planned. “I mean… the level of… animosity between them is still very high and…”

 

“So you want to know where he is… well, he went out for a run, Abe…”

 

“Alright, but when you see him, could you let him know that I need to speak with him as soon as possible?”

 

“Yes, of course.”

 

“Marlena… this doesn’t look good. John has made several threats in recent weeks and the choking incident at Salem Place is common knowledge.”

 

“I get your point, Abe… John is a suspect.”

 

“I’m sorry, Marlena, but yes he is–the most logical one at this point and it won’t be long before the DA is breathing down my neck for an arrest.”

 

“Abe, I’ll have him call you, unless you want to send a squad car out to the house.”

 

“Marlena… I know this is upsetting, but please try to understand. If it isn’t me calling you, it’s going to be two uniforms in a black and white showing up at your door.”

 

She tried to soften her tone, but only half succeeded, “ I appreciate that, Abe. We’ll talk to you soon.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Less than thirty minutes later, she found the man she loved down by the river, as she knew she would.

 

He was sitting on the far end of the pier staring out at the dark waters of the Salem River. His legs were dangling over the edge and his body was rocking back and forth in a gentle rhythm. At first, he didn’t say anything and she wasn’t sure how she should approach him. Then he started talking, speaking in rhyme and it frightened her to the depths of her soul. She wasn’t quite certain whether it was the words or the sadly vacant look in his blue eyes that worried her so…

 

Remember the good times that we had?

I let them slip away from us when things got bad

How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun

Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

 

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories….

 

Cautiously, she took a few steps toward him, stopping when he inched closer to the water. Suppressing a shudder, she spoke very softly, “John, honey… it’s going to be okay… we’ll figure out what happened and we’ll deal with it…together, just like we always have before. We’re a team, remember?”

 

He glanced over at her but it seemed as though he wasn’t really seeing her. His expression still slightly absent, he continued in verse…

 

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep

Standing on the edge of something much too deep

It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard….

 

It took every ounce of her professional discipline not to run toward him, grab a hold of him and drag him away from the waterside. “John, listen to me… I hear you… I’m hearing you right now. I understand that this is confusing and frightening for you. It is for me too, but we’re going to figure it out, John.”

 

Suddenly, his demeanor changed and he was once again the man she loved. And then, with a voice that wavered with a confusing mixture of emotions, he told her what she already knew. “I think I did it, Doc…. I think I finally killed him. That bastard Dimera, he… he provoked me, Doc… and I think I might of killed him… I.. I didn’t go over there for that, I SWEAR I didn’t. It’s just… he pushes all my buttons and I… I clocked out…or….”

 

“Or what, John?” she asked anxiously.

 

“No, it’s more like…who…” He stopped mid-sentence and finally looked at her, his pale blue eyes filled with a kind of sadness she’d only seen with a few people, and it reminded her of the way Kimberly had looked at her during her struggle with Lacy. “Oh, Marlena you were right…All these weeks, hell it’s been months now… I’ve been lying to myself, but you were right.”

 

“Right about what, John?”

 

John stood up and tried to face her, but didn’t quite meet her gaze. “About the past having a hold over me… about the mercenary… you were right about all of it, Doc.”

 

It broke her heart to see him so upset, to know for certain that he had been battling that cold selfish bastard she’d caught glimpses of from time to time. She reached out to cup his cheeks between her slender hands, her fingertips brushing up against the moisture of a few stray tears. “Oh, John…”

 

“What are we gonna do, Doc…what are we gonna do?” he asked, clearly on his way to reaching a state of panic.

 

“Well, for starters, we’re going get you taken care of, honey… you’ve been hurt and you’re still bleeding.”

 

A wave of shame washed over him as he looked himself up and down. He chuckled awkwardly with embarrassment. “Uh… yea, I guess I’m kind of a mess, huh?”

 

They started to make their way to Marlena’s car when the place lit up like the night sky on the fourth of July, lights everywhere, sirens blaring, a man yelling through a megaphone. “John, Black, hold it right there! You’re under arrest!”

 

Marlena was in shock and John instinctively moved to protect her, pulling her close to his body. Unfortunately, the men who were watching the scene unfold had no idea that the woman in question was the man’s wife and interpreted the move as threatening.

 

“He’s got a hostage!” yelled one particularly over eager uniformed cop.

 

That started a mad scramble and the couple was rushed, causing a separation. Blinded by headlights and spotlights, John started to duck for cover in the darkness of the pier, all the while worrying about the safety of the woman he loved above all else.

 

In the next second, something inside him seemed to snap and he was fighting like a madman, with almost superhuman strength, taking on five armed police officers. The struggle was fierce and long lasting, but just as the lawmen were gaining the upper hand, John made a sudden move and managed to extricate himself from their grasp, heading back toward the far end of the pier. Then, just as Abe Carver was making his way down the stairs at the opposite end, where Marlena was worriedly watching the events unfold, shots rang out and the fugitive went down.

 

Marlena screamed in terror, her hands covering her mouth, “No, no… John… Oh, my God, no!”

 

Abe and Marlena stood there in shock for agonizing seconds as they saw him get hit by at least one bullet, smashing into a wooden crate on the way down, his upper body slamming against it and then sliding to the ground like a limp rag doll. As reality penetrated, they ran to him, praying for his life with every step they took.

 

Marlena was at the same time, a woman who was terrified of losing the man she loved and the skilled physician working to save the life of a patient. “Come on, John… you have to fight this… please baby, fight to live…”

 

There was blood everywhere, his earlier injuries making it nearly impossible for her to determine where the fresh wounds were. When he groaned at her touch and grabbed his abdomen, she learned for certain that he had been shot high on the left side, near the rib cage. She ripped open his leather coat to find a large and growing spot of red on his shirt. “Oh my God.. John!” she cried.

 

Wiping her eyes, she pressed down on the wound and yelled for help at the same time. “Get an ambulance, right now, get an ambulance!” Then she took off her own jacket and pressed it over the wound, praying that the pressure would help to stem the flow of life giving fluid and keep him with her, at least long enough so that he could be transported to the hospital. “Stay with me, baby… please stay with me… you know how much I need you….and Belle and Brady… sweety, we’re going to be a family remember… you just fight as hard as you can…. And we’ll be with you… all the way.”

 

He never responded after that one groan of pain and she wept in fear of losing him. Even in the dim light she could see that his color was way off and she could feel his pulse weakening, his breath slowing down. “No, John… don’t you go… don’t you dare leave me now.”

 

She was on the verge of hysteria by the time the paramedics arrived on the scene and began their efforts at keeping him alive until he could receive the proper care. With IV’s and other more sophisticated field treatment, they had him packaged and ready to go with a little more hope of success than anyone would have believed possible. “Ma’am… he’s stable for the moment. Do you want to ride in the ambulance with us?”

 

Nodding her head, she found that she had lost all power of speech. Therefore, she simply followed the gurney and climbed into the cab of the vehicle when she got to where it was parked up above. Not a word was spoken while they were en route.   

 

Abe was there when they arrived at the emergency room. She shook her head, not trusting herself to say anything intelligible, so he spoke to her. “Marlena… I’m so sorry… I never intended for it to turn out this way. You have to believe me.. I wanted to talk to him, I just wanted to talk to him.”

 

“Then why did your men shoot at him, Abe? It wasn’t necessary, he wasn’t armed; he wasn’t trying to hurt anybody! You might have killed him and you don’t even know if he was the one responsible for what happened to Stefano… Besides… even if he was… that evil bastard deserved whatever he got… we both know that!”

 

“Marlena, our personal feelings aside, Stefano was brutally beaten tonight and there is a credible witness that places John at the scene directly before the incident in question.”

 

“Who, Abe?”

 

“Illiana. She said that John was there this evening and she heard the two of them arguing, but Stefano had asked her to leave them alone and retire for the evening. She did as she was instructed but when she came back down later to check on him, she found Stefano lying on the floor in a bloody heap and the den was in a complete shambles.”

 

“Oh, Abe… “

 

He could see that she knew something and he urged her to open up, “Marlena… why don’t you tell me what you know about all of this.”

 

“What I know… what I know is that the man I love is up there in an operating room fighting for his life because his best friend had him gunned down in cold blood for something that should have been done a long time ago! If Stefano Dimera dies, then we are all well rid of him and John should be considered a hero. That’s what I know!”

 

With that, she stormed off and left the police commander standing alone and wondering what he was going to do when the evidence came back, proving that indeed John Black was the one responsible for his father-in-law’s potentially life threatening injuries. And more importantly, how they would all deal with it if John didn’t make it through the surgery.

 

For the moment, both men were unable to explain the events of the evening and it would have to remain a mystery. Slowly, he made his way down the hallway to the elevator. He planned to take it up to the floor where he expected he would find his wife holding vigil over her father, praying for his recovery.

 

Instead he ran into the elder Brady. “Abe, what’s this I hear about John being shot down at your orders?”

 

“Shawn… it’s true that John was shot, but it wasn’t on my order. It was a young cop doing what he thought was his job.”

 

But I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

 

Marlena was at John’s bedside as soon as he came out of surgery, and she planned on staying with him throughout the night. Holding the hand connected to the arm with no IV’s, she wept and pleaded with him to do battle with the darkness that had a hold of him now. “John, honey… I know you’re hurt, but you have to fight this. You have so much to live for, John…”

 

Two hours later, she was starting to nod off when she heard a faint sound. First, she thought it was the television playing in the background, with yet another report on what happened to Stefano Dimera. When she heard it again, she realized that it was John and he was trying to talk to her. “Doc..” he said, his voice weak and raspy.

 

“Yes, baby it’s me, I’m here with you,” she said, silently thanking God for answering her prayers, as she scooted her chair closer to the bed so she could take his hand in both of hers.

 

“Doc, is it true? Did I….kill him?” There was such anguish in his voice, such conflict, as if he knew what it would mean for everyone involved.

 

She was trying to shush him and was about to speak when she heard the sound of a throat clearing behind her. “John, it’s Abe, can you tell me what happened?”

 

Marlend stood up and turned to face the man. “Abe, I want you to leave. It’s obvious that he’s in no condition to talk to you.”

 

“Do you want to call an attorney, Marlena?”

 

“Abe, I can’t believe you…the way you’re acting”

 

“Stefano’s condition has taken a turn for the worse, Marlena. It looks like he’s not going to make it.”

 

“Oh, no…”

 

“I’m sorry but it’s true, Marlena. I think you should call your attorney. When John recovers, he’s going to need one.”

 

“Abe, you’re being so… oh, I don’t even know what to say about it. This is your best friend and he’s been seriously wounded. Don’t you care about that at all?”

 

His expression softened. “Yes, of course I do, Marlena… of course I do… but the DA is moving forward, pressing attempted murder charges on John as we speak. I don’t want him to go without representation.”

 

He stepped around to the other side of the hospital bed and his face seemed to transform to the concerned friend. “So, how is he?”

 

Realizing John hadn’t said anything at all since Abe arrived, she turned back toward the bed to look. “Well, he’s unconscious again, as you can see. Abe, the stress of this could…”

 

For that reason, the police commander lowered his voice, “Marlena, I’m sorry…I never meant for this to happen. You have to believe that.”

 

She stood up and cued him to step closer to the door, hopefully out of earshot for the sleeping man. “I don’t know what to believe, Abe…I love him…I love him so much and I can’t lose him. Abe…please…you have to find a way to help him. He’s not himself…you must have noticed… something has been happening to him.”

 

He nodded. “You’re talking about the mercenary….Bo and Roman were telling me about that the other day. Marlena, can you explain it… in a way that…well, that might help his case?” Abe asked her, hoping she could shed some light on the confusing subject. He hated the thought of being instrumental in putting his best friend behind bars for doing what everyone in Salem had wished for a thousand times over.

 

“Well, I believe the mercenary persona is a direct result of the trauma Stefano inflicted on John, both times he held John captive and tortured him. The personality was originally created by Stefano to do his bidding, but now, something has triggered the memories of those times and the personality is trying to reassert itself. John is struggling for control over his mind and his body and he’s…losing, Abe… he’s been losing ground for months now.” It was all she could do to hold back the tears that had been building up throughout the evening, “Oh, I’m so afraid for him…if he did what you say he did…I truly believe that it was the…mercenary who was responsible for it.”

 

“Marlena… do you think there’s a psychiatrist who could evaluate him and come up with the same findings?”

 

“Yes, I’m sure of it and I’m not just saying all of this to help my husband. What I’m talking about is a serious psychiatric condition. Talk to Mike… he’s been working with me to try and treat John. We were investigating other possible explanations for the severe headaches and the flashbacks John has been having recently.”

 

“Marlena… I need to go now, but talking with you about this has helped. I think there’s a chance we could get the charges reduced if I can get the DA to buy your explanation. Stefano has inflicted undue harm on John many times over, and it’s possible she may be sympathetic to his cause. “

 

“Oh, Abe…that would be so…good, if you could do that.”

 

“I’ll do my best, Marlena… take care and…tell John that I’m….sorry for what happened tonight. I never intended anything like this to happen. I just wanted to talk to him.”

 

“I know you didn’t, Abe.. and I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier, I was just so…frightened for him. You understand, don’t you?”

 

He smiled with the old familiar warmth of a lifelong friend. “Of course I do, Marlena…all is forgiven then?”

 

She nodded and turned back toward her fiancé, hoping he hadn’t heard any of their conversation. In his state, any stress could be detrimental to his recovery. After Abe left the room, she went back over to sit at John’s bedside, willing him to regain consciousness.

 

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose………

 

 

When he didn’t move or open his eyes at her prompting, she rose and went to gaze out the window. It was very early morning, still quite dark, the sky lit up by a million tiny points of light. Staring out the window, she let her mind wonder.

 

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light………..

 

She was startled out of her reverie by a familiar sound, “Hey, Doc…”

 

“Hey yourself,” she said, crossing the room in less than seconds. “How are you feeling, honey?”

 

“Uh.. kinda…dopey. Everything’s fuzzy and I’m a little sore. What happened?” he asked, trying to clear his head of the cobwebs.

 

“What do you remember?”

 

He shook his head, his eyes narrowing as he worked his brain to recall the events of the evening. “Not much… how’d I wind up here?”

 

“Honey, you were shot… you just came out of surgery an hour or so ago.”

 

“Shot… I was shot? Surgery… I don’t….remember any of that, Doc.. What the hell happened tonight?”

 

“Oh, John… it’s quite a story and I don’t know if we should…”

 

“Doc, I have to know. Who shot me and why?”

 

“John, do you remember anything?”

 

Suddenly a smile appeared on his face and he nodded his head. “Yea, I uh…remember spending time with you… up close and personal time. Was that tonight?”

 

In spite of the tension and fear, she smiled too. “Yes, it was tonight, John.. What else do you remember?”

 

He worked hard to recall what he did, where he went after that. “ I was…angry, frustrated about dealing with the mercenary and Stefano’s sick mind games. So, I went over to the mansion and I…confronted him about it. But, like usual, he denied everything, said I was imagining things and suggested I get professional help to deal with my “problems.”

 

“John, honey…this is really important. Did you…”

 

“He provoked me and I hit him, Doc… I got in a couple of good shots, but he was fine when I left, I swear he was. Why, what’s going on ?”

 

“Illiana found him lying on the floor of the den at the mansion and he was in terrible shape, badly beaten. John, his condition has gone from bad to worse; they think he may be dying.”

 

“Oh, don’t tell me, they’re planning to charge me with attempted murder. Doc, it wasn’t like that. I swear to you, I didn’t hurt him that badly. I hit him twice, maybe three times and he never hit his head or anything.”

 

“John, honey….is there a chance that… something else happened, something you just can’t….remember right now?”

 

It took him a minute to discern her meaning. Thinking about it made his head hurt like hell. Damn… she was talking about the mercenary. “You think I clocked out, don’t you…you think that the mercenary finished the job, don’t you, Doc?”

 

She nodded, wishing she could spare him the truth, “John, you as much as said so earlier, don’t you remember that?”

 

He scrunched his eyes up, as if laboring to recall the conversation, then shook his head. “No, no I don’t, Marlena… I don’t remember talking to you about it at all. Why, what did I say?”

 

“You admitted that the past has a hold over you, that you’ve been doing battle with the mercenary these past few months. John, you said that…you thought you might have, ‘clocked out’ as you put it.”

 

His face suddenly bore an expression she didn’t think she’d ever seen, as if he were looking into an uncertain but sure to be painful future and wanted to protect her from it. “Marlena, I think you should leave… I think you should tell them what you know and let it go…walk away from me, right here and right now.”

 

She was so completely shocked by what John said that she was struck speechless. In her mind, she heard the chorus that went along with the verse he had quoted earlier that evening when they were out on the pier.

 

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

 

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Weep not for the memories……….