I’m trapped inside, behind this mask he’s put over me, behind those cold steely blue eyes. I’m still here but no one knows. He waited until the timing was perfect, lurking in the shadows, patiently waiting to take control.
Can’t somebody see there’s something terribly wrong with me? Can’t they tell I’m not myself? I’m trapped underneath this wall of black rage. It doesn’t quite belong to me but I guess it’s mine all the same. He put it there that bastard, Dimera, and now it’s escaping from its hiding place, where I thought it was locked up tight. I try to fight him off but he’s much too strong. Did I open the door with the very first lie I told, and then with every one after that, he crept a little further into my soul. Like the serpent, insidious was his influence, hardly noticeable in the beginning.
I thought I could handle it….
No longer… it’s painfully clear I’m losing the battle. I hear myself talking, saying hurtful words I would never say to the woman who possesses me, heart and soul. I love her with every fiber of my being, and yet I watch in horror, unable to stop myself as I tear at the fabric of our love, as I break her heart, over and over again. For a moment I seem to have it under control, and then out of nowhere he’s there again and ripping her to shreds.
She cries… Oh God I hate to see her cry…..
With every part of myself I want to reach out my hands and comfort her, to tell her how sorry I am for what I’ve done to us… but He won’t let me. He hates me… hates everything I stand for and he’s going to ruin my life, ruin us. But he’s going to take his time about it… he wants to make me suffer, helplessly watching as he chips away at the bond between us until there’s nothing left of it, until she walks away.
And then I’ll be alone with him….forever lost.
Dimera stands back and relishes the gradual destruction of the once impenetrable fortress that was our love. He laughs, he taunts me in my darkest hours. He smiles because he knows… he applauds the mercenary and bides his time. Soon, I will disappear into the farthest reaches of my mind and he will own me again, body and soul.
He’s winning….
But no one even knows there’s been a war going on…. Can’t somebody hear me screaming? Don’t they realize this isn’t me?
It’s probably my fault. Should have admitted it a long time ago. Now I want to tell her everything and I can’t even say the words that are stuck in my throat. “Yes, Marlena… I’m battling the mercenary… yes he wants to take control, yes he’s a cold selfish bastard who doesn’t care about how anyone feels. Yes, I’m scared he’s going to ruin our lives… Yes, I need help… I need help!” God, I wish you could hear me now… I wish you could look past the accusations and the biting remarks that hurt you so much….. to see me trapped here inside, fighting to get out.
Dammit! Why was it so hard to tell her that? She was standing right in front of me, holding my hands in the amazing strength of her tiny ones, bravely wanting to help even as she wept out of fear for me and our love. So kind and loving, so full of compassion like she always is… She was asking me to let her in, to share my pain with her.
Guess it serves me right to be in this situation now, but more than anything else, I wish I could stop her from being hurt. That’s the worst part, the part I’d give anything to change. I’d sell my soul if I could take her suffering on myself, if I could dry her tears, if only I could take her in my arms and make her feel safe and secure.
Foolishly, I denied her claims, and here I am trapped inside where no one will ever find me. Trapped inside while my family falls apart around me, the mercenary wreaking havoc in the lives of everyone I love, destroying everything he touches. I can do nothing but stand by and watch it happen.
But it will be *my* legacy.
The mark John Black leaves on this planet shall be death and despair.
I should have known… all those years ago when I had no memory at all. My instincts told me to leave her alone, to stay away from that beauty with the warm smile and those caring hazel eyes, because she was too good for me. Because eventually the darkness I sensed deep inside myself would find its way to the surface and I would destroy her.
Funny, she always told me to follow my instincts…. I should have listened.
The Jarlena Journal 