The Way We Were – By Jessica D and Jame J

I don’t love you because I need you. I need you because I love you.::

She walks into her home, weary and tired, wanting nothing more than to fall onto her bed and sleep for an eternity. But she can’t, not when she has promised her husband she’d meet him at home to talk. The house is silent as she moves, knowing he is not yet home and she can’t help but wonder where he is. But to keep her mind off of it, she shuffles through the mail, hoping it can somehow take her mind off of reality. A couple of bills aren’t likely to entertain her, so she flips through the Victoria’s Secret catalog that has come for her daughter.

It is then the door opens and she takes a deep breath, unsure if she wants to hold this conversation. She is angry and upset and with her stubborn streak, she is likely to lose control when the conversation starts. Her back is to him as he walks towards her and although she cannot see, she can imagine. She knows him well enough to know he is wearing a weary smile, she knows him well enough to know his heart is heavy.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he says, easing into the seat beside her, “I was stuck in traffic.”

Marlena clears her throat, avoiding his stare. “Don’t worry about it.” She brushes him off. “Look, John, I’m really not in the mood to discuss this right now. Can we do it later?”

She doesn’t wait for a response, instead stands and begins to walk away. His arm pulls her back down, his hand turning her face so it faces his own. “You can’t avoid this subject forever. And you can’t avoid me the way you have either. We’re married, Marlena.”

“Are we?” She snaps.

“Look, I know you are upset-“

“Upset?” She turns to him, her eyes filled with contempt, a look he has not seen in her since the horrible days of their marriage a few years back. She finally snaps, her anger rising, doing everything in her power not to hurt him. “Upset is when Belle would come in half an hour after curfew. Upset is when I have a patient show up later than expected. You putting a tracking device in my bag and tracing every step I make causes me to be a little more than upset! I just want to know why, John. I want to know why you don’t trust me after everything. After all these years, all these times I have helped you through whatever you needed, how do you not trust me?”

“Marlena, it isn’t you-“

“Yes, John! Yes, it is me! You think I’m naive enough to fall for whatever tricks Tony may or may not be playing. He is the father of my children, John. What do you want me to do?”

The comment of fathering Tony’s children alerts John and he stands, beginning to pace the living room. He turns to face his wife, concern written all over his handsome face. “Do you really think I want this, Marlena? Do you think I want to track you? Damn it, Doc! I’m doing this for your protection, why don’t you understand that?”

She laughs, a bitter sardonic giggle. “I just find it funny you refuse to believe I am capable of protecting myself. I used to find it honorable when you told me it was for my protection. I felt safe, loved. But the truth is, this isn’t for my protection. It’s some damn battle you have going with Tony! You know what, John? Leave me the hell out of it!”

Marlena stands, walking quickly to the mail table near the door. She flings her bag over her shoulder in an outrage, fumbling to find her car keys that she has placed in her bag.

“Where are you going?”

“Out!” Marlena exclaims.

She storms out the front door, while John sits on the couch, contemplating a decision. And within a second, he is on his feet and out the door, grabbing the lapels of her jacket before she can step onto the elevator.

“You can’t leave like this,” he says, softly. “Please.”

“Then I want answers,” she replied, firmly.

“Marlena, I-“

She shakes her head, hitting the button on the elevator once more. Sensing his predicament, John sighs, pulling Marlena away from the door. He holds up his hand in defeat.

“Okay. I’ll tell you everything. Just please come inside.”

She nods her head, reluctantly agreeing to follow his lead. Marlena makes her way into the Penthouse, throwing her bag back onto the table, her hands moving to her hips. The motion causes John to laugh, as he is reminded of their daughter when she was younger. Hands on her hips was never a good sign. He takes a deep breath and ushers his wife towards the couch. She avoids his touch but follows his lead, sitting down, the span of a cushion between them.

“I’m waiting.”

“Where do you want me to start?”

“Try the beginning.” Her patience is wearing thin.

He is unsure of how to begin so he fumbles for a few moments for words. He can see Marlena’s impatient nature coming to surface so he struggles to find the words a little more quickly. “Shane and I have been working together a lot lately. We’ve been handling business deals together and I’ve been helping him out …”

Marlena inhales sharply. “What do you mean, helping him out?”

He looks away, not wanting to feel the wrath of her eyes. “I mean Basic Black is part of some undercover operation.”

Marlena gasps, her hand flying to her mouth. She cannot move for a moment or two, her brain unable to fully process the words he has just said. “It’s what?”

John wearily rubs his hand over his eyebrow. “I’m sorry,” he says, quietly. “I never meant-“

“How could you not tell me?” she asks, amazed. “You’ve owned that business for two years! You’ve been lying to me ever since you got it off the ground! What else have you lied to me about?”

“Nothing! Doc, I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t put you in danger, I couldn’t …” He realizes he is beat. “I have no reasonable explanation. I just couldn’t allow you to be hurt.” He moves closer to her, cradling her face in his hands. She tries to break free of his touch, but in the end, she can’t and he knows it. “Everything I do, I do because I love you. I can’t defend all the things I do; the lying or the hiding … but it’s never to hurt you, Marlena. I do it because every morning I wake up realizing that I could lose you. And I would do everything in my power to prevent that.”

“Even if it means hiding things from me?”

“Especially that,” he whispers. “I don’t want you to worry. No matter what my reasons, I do everything I can to keep you and our children safe,” he repeats. “I won’t let Tony hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“But what if you were the one who hurt me the most?”

He gazes down, ashamed. “I know. What can I do to make this up to you?”

“You can become the man I fell in love with again.”

“Sweetheart, I am that man-“

“No.” Marlena smiles, sadly. “No, you aren’t. The John Black I fell in love with protected me by just loving me. By challenging me without lying to me. Without sneaking bugs into my purse. The John Black I married trusted me with all of his heart. I understand you have reservations about Tony. I understand that you think he might take me as some sick revenge for Kristen. But do you really think I’m going to fall at his feet because we have children together? I don’t love him, John. I love you!” With tears in her eyes, she glides her hand along the smooth skin of his face. “If you have issues, come to me and talk about it. Don’t hide it from me. Let me work with you. If you lie to me again, John, don’t expect me to stay around here.”

John nods his head, knowing now he has to change his ways. He looks up at her, his eyes soft and vulnerable. “I’m sorry.”

She smiles genuinely at him. “I know. I’ve missed you, John. I’ve missed this,” she mutters quietly, her lips grazing his. She pulls him to her, no longer wanting to fight. And as he kisses her, she feels the John Black she fell in love with. The one willing to do anything to protect her in the conventional ways, who would keep her safe by just loving her. And as they fall onto the couch, lost only in the other, John Black makes a vow to himself to become the man he once was, the one that promised he would never hurt his wife.