He circled and stared,
nervous and scared.
He knew both the thrill and the cost,
but he didn’t think twice.
John was sitting at the Brady Pub, a shot glass in one hand, Marlena’s picture in the other. It was getting ragged around the edges from John’s constant perusal of it over the last few days. He ran his thumb across her beautiful smile and closed his eyes to the onslaught of memories. He shook his head as he poured the first of several shots down his throat.
This amazing device
was his last chance to see
what he lost.
As he rubbed his hand across his chest to stop the burning that had already settled there, he felt the dried crustiness of the blood on his t-shirt, her blood. And the memory of her collapse into his arms as the bullet ripped through her flawless body assaulted him and his tears began anew. “Oh my God, Doc, how do I go on without you?” As he forced himself to look down at her blood one more time, all he saw was a clean black t-shirt. Mentally he backtracked five days. He let out a long ragged breath. “It already feels like five lifetimes.”
Now if time is really a river
then upstream’s where he needed to be.
He set his sights on the past,
finished his glass,
and went back in history.
He again shook his head to clear the garish memory of her death and replace it with one infinitely more peaceful. Slowly, he closed his eyes and an image of her walking toward him, dressed in white, unshed tears of joy shining in her gorgeous golden eyes overpowered him, and he could see her, feel her, hear the words of love and forever that she promised him. “…to have someone come into your life who you love as fully and completely as I love you…well, that’s rare…and special…and something to be cherished. And, oh, how I cherished what we had. When you were gone I held onto that feeling we had and even though the pain from missing you was unbearable, I felt lucky for having had what we did. Some people never find it….” He touched his lips where hers had kissed him tenderly so many years ago. “Doc, I’m not that strong, I’ve done this before and I can’t do it again. I’m selfish, I don’t want just memories, I want you.” And he buried his head in his hands as the tears fell.
To the casual eye it’s a barstool,
but it’s really much more than it seems.
A few drinks and then
she’ll be with him again
as he sits on the time machine
John poured himself another shot and downed it quickly, refilling the small glass as another vision appeared behind his bloodshot eyelids. “Roman… it’s Marlena.” He looked behind him and saw nothing but fog. Suddenly she appeared in the darkness like an apparition from his dreams. They stood mere inches from one another, and his hand shook violently as he reached out to touch her. They both gasped as they made physical contact for the first time in over four years, and she flung herself into his arms. He was stupefied, but it was her, his Marlena, and she was real. He could feel her, the way her body conformed to his, fit perfectly along every line, and he could smell her. He took a handful of her silky blond hair and ran it through his fingers. It was her and she was back with him. He opened his eyes to look into her face, but all he saw was his own reflection in the mirror behind the bar. John looked around frantically; it was only when he made eye contact with Shawn and saw the sadness in the older man’s eyes that he realized she hadn’t been there at all.
Like all pioneers
he swallowed his fears
and watched the whole room fade to black.
John slammed back another mouthful of the fiery liquid, determined to make her stay with him, and as his eyes closed this time, he was engulfed in water. “Doc, doc…” He dove under the water, looking for her, hoping she hadn’t hurt herself, and they came up sputtering in each other’s arms. “I saw you go under and when you didn’t come back up, I was afraid you hit your head on a rock…” She was kissing him possessively, unendingly, breathlessly, and he couldn’t get enough. The feel of her in his arms was heavenly, but then his conscience got the better of him and he pulled her out of the water, apologizing for everything. “John, you don’t understand, I willed this…I know you so well…” “You were the only person who ever did, Doc.”
He’s dying to go,
but he’s no fool
he knows
how hard it will be to come back.
Once again, he closed his eyes and she was in front of him, bathed in white, whispering words of love to him. “This is perfect. Everything tonight is perfect.”
“And we don’t want it to end, do we?” She gave him a questioning glance.
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Good. Because there’s something very important I need to ask you.” He walked to where she was sitting and got on one knee in front of her. “We’ve been apart for much too long. It’s time we remedy that, forever.” He took a deep breath. “Doc…will you marry me?” Her smile lit up the room as she answered him.
“Yes, oh yes, I’ll marry you.” John tried to hold her but the slippery silk of her negligee kept sliding through his fingers and she escaped his grasp. He jumped a bit as the glass thumped onto the glossy veneer of the bar top after sliding out of his hand.
But tonight he is tired of the lonely,
and tomorrow will not be the cure.
So he’ll just slip away
find yesterday
and spend one more night with her.
He was standing behind her as he opened her red blouse and pulled it off of her shoulders. He placed a few small kisses on her neck before turning her around and taking her head between his hands. Their mouths melded together as they discovered each other for the first time. He picked her up around her hips and carried her to the bed, placing small kisses in her décolletage before setting her down. Never in his life had he felt so connected to anyone, so in love, so alive. As they became one the entire world ceased to exist, and in each other’s arms, nothing else mattered. “Never again will I feel that connection to anyone Doc. There is a part of me that died with you, and just like you, it’s never coming back. How do I continue to just exist, when for so long I was so alive?”
Now as far as the customers can tell
he’s just one more fool
who talks to himself,
but every man in this place would line up
if they knew what that seat really was.
(but)
John sat there for a long moment, and his brain screamed for air as it drowned in the alcohol, but the pain in his heart won out and he slammed down another shot. He saw Marlena on the couch and hurried to her holding the beach towels. Her brow was sweaty and she was breathing hard. He did his best to encourage her, but for her brave front, he knew she was scared.
“…That’s my girl.”
“Oh, John. Hold me, hold me.”
“I’m right here. I’m right here with you. It’s o.k. That’s it, that’s it. It’s over.”
“No, no, oh no, it’s not…” He wanted that little baby to be his so badly, and she was so beautiful when she entered the world.
“Oooooooh, look at her. She’s a strong little thing isn’t she?’
“She’s so beautiful.”
“Yeah, she’s going to be the most perfect baby in the whole world.”
Suddenly, John was in the Horton’s living room, and Marlena was holding Belle.
“Can I hold her?”
“Of course, she’s your daughter.” “Why did we waste so damn much time?”
To the casual eye it’s a barstool,
but it’s really much more than it seems
a few drinks and then
she’ll be with him again
as he sits on the time machine.
He found himself in a dirty crawlspace, the sound of bulldozers and crunching stone as a backdrop to the labored breathing of the woman he loved more than his own life. “We always said that if it has to end we wanted to be together.” She threw herself into his arms and as he tried to catch her, her words became softer, and he strained to hear them. “I’m so glad you’re here with me…” “Oh, Doc, I’m glad we’re together too.” Again he reached out to comfort her in her anguish, but she eluded his touch and all he felt was the coolness of the bottle in front of him. “We should be together. Why am I here without you? Why?”
Just a few drinks and then
she’ll be with him again
as he sits on the time machine.
He downed one last shot and laid his head on the bar. She was standing in front of him, telling him “Don’t move” as she stood on her tiptoes and placed two light kisses on his lips. “You be happy. Be happy.” And then she was gone…with one last look…she was gone. The patrons in the small pub all jumped when John’s guttural cry of anguish racked through his body. “Doc, please don’t make me say goodbye again.” His entire body shook with great heaving sobs as he kept calling her name, only to be met by the silence.
The Jarlena Journal 