[Background: J&M have been reunited and the truth about Kristen has been revealed including all the details as she made a tearful confession when finally exposed. Stefano Dimera is dead, Peter is still alive and in hiding. Kristen has left town and her whereabouts are unknown also. Susan who isn’t really so nutty (it was just a hormone imbalance) has left town with her baby.]
Meetings of Memories
Langley Virginia: CIA Headquarters
Chairman Jack Henderson, Chief of CIA Covert Operations prepares to begin a secret meeting attended by several high ranking officials. There will be no recording, no minutes, no official record of any kind. General Frank Thomas-Military Intelligence Operations, Dr. Phillip Markey-neurologist specilaizing in memory issues, and Dr. Joseph Smith-psychiatrist, and Mr. William Hudson-CIA Dept Head for non-official agents division are in attendance. Henderson starts the meeting sharply at 10pm in the secluded highly secured room in the bowels of the CIA building. He distributes a packet of materials, then gives sufficient time for them to review the information. While the others were reading, Henderson observed for any visible reaction, but saw only a flicker of dismay from the two physicians as might have been expected. They have been involved with the CIA and it’s operational methods as consultants when problems develop with agents, but they have not been informed of all details in most cases as will be true in this situation as well.
Henderson decides there has been adequate time and breaks the silence in the room, “Well, doctors suppose you give us your bestmedical opinions about the subject and the possibility of his memories resurfacing in the near future, given the fact that Stefano Dimera is now dead with absolute certainty.
The two physicians glanced somewhat nervously at each other, each not wanting to upstage the other and also not wanting to put themselves on the line with their opinions. The psychiatrist spoke first, “Well I have given this case a thorough review including detailed research into his life before and since he….left your employ shall we say. He has obviously suffered repeated violent emotional and physical trauma. In some ways it is remarkable that he is even able to function in normal relationships, work, etc.”
“Dimera had been a constant threat for all of the adult life that he can remember independently and now that threat has been eliminated by his own hand. Psychologically, it makes sense the other memories may begin to surface. Based on what I’ve read, however the blocks your organization placed were strong and he will have difficulty reaching the memories the agency does not want him to recall.”
The man looked around the room to see how the others were reacting to the information then went on, “Also, he is the perfect candidate for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and this recent trauma he suffered at killing his tormentor and learning about the deception and brainwashing committed by a woman he loved may be just the events to trigger the old traumatic memories in a way that is overwhelming for him.”
“What exactly are you saying, doctor? What might happen, I have heard that term and known about some Vietnam Vets who had problems, but never really had someone explain it completely,” asked the general this time.
“Well, it is a condition that tends to occur after very violent trauma such as the type the subject has suffered on several occasions now. Indivduals who suffer torture, brainwashing, rape, and hostage situations are more likely to demonstrate this sydrome. Some individuals are somehow able to function fairly normally for many years, and then something happens that brings back the trauma and memories begin to intrude in powerful fashion affecting their lives significantly.”
“How will we know if he is just remembering and has some confusion about it or if he has this syndrome you’re talking about?”asked Henderson. “And what difference will it make to us and our…priorities?”
“Well, if he suffers from PTSD he probably won’t be able to put the memories together in a meaningful way for quite some time to come because he will have to deal with all the emotional aspects and other complications of what is happening to him.”
Dr. Markey began to speak, “One of the problems this subject faces is those memory blocks Dr. Smith spoke of earlier. All memory is associative and when the memories begin to surface they will be tied to the ones your agency has tried to block. It will be like hitting a brick wall in his mind and it will be confusing and most likely cause severe headaches. The experience may be so noxious that the subject tries to force the memories back into the subconscious which may work on a temporary basis. It is possible he can fight through it and recall all the memories, or….”
“Or, what? asked Mr. Hudson who had decided just to listen, but was intrigued by the discussion.
Dr Markey answered, “He may end up a…raving maniac in psychiatric hospital. Of course that’s the absolute worst case scenario. It is impossible to predict what will happen in any one indivdual.”
Henderson said, “Let’s get back to this PTSD is it? What will the man experience to indicate this?”
Dr. Smith said, “The subject will probably begin by dreaming about his experiences-very vivid detailed dreams which he may attempt to dismiss as he has no conscious memory of them. Then, daytime flashbacks or a “reliving” of some of the truama may occur. These episodes will be very vivid as well; he will remember sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and touch sensations as if experiencing them in the present. These episodes may be triggered by any associated memory and it may make the subject fearful and avoidant of conditions he feels may be causing the episodes.”
Once again the psychiatrist glanced at the others and seeing intense interest went on to describe the syndrome,”Some people become unable to sleep to avoid more dreams, they are in a high state of arousal and are easily startled and agitated as a result.There is an almost constant fight-or-flight state which is damaging to the body. Others turn to substances to dull the senses or try to simply shut down their emotions completely by their own efforts.”
Dr Markey concluded, “This subject has shown remarkable resiliency, strength, and courage as evidenced by his battles with Dimera. He made a new life for himself after he suffered tremendous emotional upheaval when he learned he wasn’t Roman Brady after seven years of living that life. He is not someone who gives up easily.”
Henderson asked one more question before sending the physicians ontheir way. “What do you know of Dr. Marlena Evans?”
“She is a remarkable woman and very skilled psychiatrist,” replied Dr. Smith. Dr. Evans has helped countless numbers of patients with recovering buried memories through hypnosis and other new pharmacological methods. She has suffered great trauma herself and has shown amazing strength and is also someone who does not give up easily. Dr. Evans may well be the determining factor in what happens to the subject if his memories do start to resurface.”
Henderson had heard all he needed to make a decision and said, “Thank you doctors, there will be nothing further at this time. We’ll contact you on an as needed basis. Thank you for your availablity.” The meeting continued as soon as they left the room. Looking around the room as he spoke he said, “Well, gentlemen should we bring him in, eliminate the threat altogether, or play it out and see what happens? He probably has some useful information about the Dimera organization which we assume is now being run by the man’s adopted son Peter. Otherwise most of his information is several years out of date.”
Mr. Hudson said, “I think we ought to let it go. After all, the guy has had one hell of a life. He probably won’t remember anything that could hurt us now. He just got married and has two young children. Let the man live in peace, for once.”
“Well if he does remember even some of it and his family decides to pursue it they could effectively neutralize this group for quite some time. If the scandal hungry press gets wind that one of our own people was allowed to suffer through what this man has endured. If they discover that we…*strongly suspected * who and where he was for most of that time he assumed the Brady identity and before that when Dimera had him. That’s not even mentioning the fact that after we did know for certain what happened, we periodically brought him in to see what he knew and put him back. The press would have a field day and our operations would suffer greatly. I can’t afford to let that happen.”
“I agree,” especially since he ended up in this country instead of foreign soil,” said the general. “I think we should bring him in and find out what he remembers through the usual interrogation methods. If he doesn’t come out with anything we just let him go and create some scenario for why he disappeared that the public and his family will accept without question, no harm done.”
“Okay,” said Henderson, “if everybody has offered an opinion I say we put him under heavy surveillance and then yank him if it seems like he might reveal anything that could hurt us. If you all agree say Aye.”
All were in agreement and Henderson finished with, “Okay, we’re set then. Hudson set up the teams to get the equipment in place. I want every place monitored in some way: his loft, the penthouse, cars, the pier, Dr. Evans’ office, Brady Pub, Carver’s office, even cell phone conversations should be monitored when possible. General you send in the men to follow his whereabouts and activities. Dismissed gentleman and please remember this is strictly a “need to know ” operation. The buck stops with us.”
Salem USA
It has been six weeks since the wedding of John Black and Marlena Evans and the couple has returned from a glorious romantic island honeymoon and are still acting like newlyweds as they settle into a normal routine at John’s loft.
John has been having difficulty sleeping since their return four weeks ago. He has been troubled by confusing sometimes violent nightmares about people and events of which he has no conscious memory. The nightmares came suddenly on the last night of the honeymoon after the couple had dined on asian cuisine and danced to that cultures’ music. John had gotten a strange deja vu feeling throughout the entire evening, but had dismissed it. That night the dreams began. He has not told anyone about the dreams, trying to convince himself they are just the aftereffects of that most recent incident with Stefano in which he had finally shot and killed the evil monster while he tried to kidnap Marlena yet another time. John too had been wounded in the right thigh which had caused serious problems and he was still in physical therapy. After all, he told himself some of the dreams are about Stefano and Kristen and what they did to me and Doc. This will probably all blow over soon. There’s no need to burden Marlena with any of this, she’s been having enough trouble dealing with…everything herself.
Marlena has also been troubled by nightmares and this is the main reason John has kept silent. She has been periodically dreaming about some of her horrible ordeals with Stefano, waking up shaking with fear, tears spilling out like water. John knows he has to be there for her and he has helped to calm her, listening when she needs to talk, holding her quietly when she doesn’t. Other dreams are of Peter returning to take
revenge on John for killing his father. She has seen John killed a half dozen different ways and is terrified something will happen to him. Still other times she has had nightmares of Kristen coming back to cause problems for them by taking their children away or working with Peter to take John from her. Again, during these episodes John has been calm and protective and reassures her he will be okay and that she need not worry because Abe will catch up with Peter soon and Kristen was too devastated to bother them again. John has been worried about her and has done everything he can to make her feel safe and secure, even hiring extra shielded her from any unnecessary stress, keeping his own feelings quiet. In addition, he has spoiled her with flowers, chocolates, fancy dinners out and quiet evenings together. He has taken Marlena and the kids on lots of outings and filled her life with as much fun and laughter as possible.
One night as they are sleeping John has a particularly troubling dream in which he is involved in a violent explosion and is thrown several yards in the air then is still. He can smell burning flesh, hear the screams of adults and children, sirens blaring, the taste of blood in his mouth from his wounds, and feel bits of debris land on his prone figure, but he cannot see anything and is terrified. He makes a silent scream. There is no one to help him as he lays there dying in blindness. He feels his life energy beginning to flow out and he screams, “NO!” out loud and sits bolt upright in bed, his heart racing, head pounding, breathing rapid and shallow. He is sweating profusely and his body is trembling as he comes to a fully awakened state.
Marlena was quite startled by his outburst and awakened instantly and upon observing his condition and was concerned. “John, what is it? Did you have a nightmare this time, was it about Peter?” As she asked she wondered if it was more as she saw how strongly he had been affected. He was slowly calming down and his physiological processes were slowing to normal levels, but the painful expression on his face worried her, especially since he hadn’t answered her queries. “John do you want to tell me about it?”
“No, he said dully. “It’s okay, it was just a dream, no big deal. I…can’t really remember it anyway,” he said lying and giving her a halfhearted smile. “Marlena, why don’t you just go back to sleep. I’m a little hungry and I think I’ll go downstairs for a snack,” he said certain he couldn’t possibly fall asleep again. He played it over in his mind repeatedly until his head throbbed with pain. John couldn’t place the dream anywhere in his conscious memory, yet he somehow knew it was a real experience. He was determined to make sense out of the disturbing nightmares that were coming more frequently each week.
When he arrived downstairs, he went straight to the desk where he kept the journal he had been using to record the dreams. He wanted to share it all with Marlena, but she was struggling with her own fears and he just couldn’t add to them. So he suffered in silence, trying to hide the fatigue and irritability which resulted from his lack of sleep. John hadn’t gotten one full night since the honeymoon and he had been drinkinga beer or more often two, just to take the edge off of his struggle. Marlena had not said anything, but probably would if he continued or increased the habit. It wasn’t like him and he thought out loud as he twisted the lid of his third one for the day, “I have to think of some other way to deal with this, I don’t want Marlena to worry about me. She has enough to cope with right now.”
Chapter 2
Intrusions
Two weeks have passed since John had the nightmare which had awakened Marlena. John has been attending physical therapy for his leg and has made consistent progress, channeling much of his energy into his recovery. “John, you have really worked hard lately and your leg seems to be healing up pretty well, but you seem very tired, worn out. Maybe you ought to give it a rest sometimes,” said his therapist.
“Thanks, it’s good to hear from you that I’m doing well in here because I sometimes wonder when I’m out and I can’t run or do the other activities I’m used to doing. And, yes I am a little tired, I haven’t been sleeping too well lately, but I’m sure it’s just temporary. See you next time.” As he left the therapy gym and headed down the hall he began to have that deja vu feeling and the sights, smells and sounds of the hospital were suddenly overwhelming. He felt suddenly claustrophobic and knew he had to get out of the building as quickly as possible.
Marlena who had planned to meet him for lunch after his therapy session called out to him as did Mike Horton, but he kept moving, driven by anxiety. He didn’t even hear them call his name.
“Mike, did you see the look on his face?” asked Marlena.
“Yes, I did. I haven’t seen him with a look like that since…Stefano.”
“My thoughts exactly, Mike. I’m worried about him. There has been something bothering him ever since we came back from the honeymoon, but he won’t talk about it. I think he’s been having nightmares, at least one bad one I know of, for sure. He tried to downplay it, but he was really shaken up.” Glancing down the hall hoping he would come back in, she continued, “Other times, I’ve woken up in the night to find him sitting and staring out the window. Mike he’s been drinking a little more than usual-not a lot, just a beer or two, but I know somethings’ eating at him.”
“Well, Marlena I don’t want to pry, but how are you doing in the nightmare department?”asked Mike.
She smiled as she realized where he was going and replied, “Much better, thank you. John has been very good about it all. He lets me cry and talk about my fears and he just holds me when I need him to so the frequency is decreasing rapidly. I’m feeling much more secure and safe now then I was just a few weeks ago.”
“Maybe there’s your answer. John may not be opening up about his “problem” because of his concern for you. He may not want to burden or upset you while you’re dealing with your own fears. He probably just wants to be strong for you.”
Marlena knew he was right, “You’re probably on target there, that would be just like him. But, Mike I’m really starting to worry about him. I hope I can get him to talk soon.”
Mike finished with, “Keep trying, but don’t push him. You know, you’re the psychiatrist, eventually he’ll let you in. He loves and trusts you. Just be there for him like you are and when he’s ready he will come to you with whatever is bothering him,” Mike said encouragingly.
Marlena smiled and said as she turned to go after her new husband, “Thanks Mike, you helped me a lot. I’m going after John to make sure he’s okay. I’ll see you later.”
She decided to find out where John had gone if she could so she could make another attempt to get him to open up to her. She saw she had guessed correctly when she went back to the loft and saw John’s Grand Cherokee parked outside. She tried to think positive thoughts as she walked toward the door. It was early summer and the sun shone brightly and all seemed generally right with the world. Stefano was dead and could never hurt them again. Kristen too had gone away and John seemed to be getting past much of the self-doubt and loss he had struggled with so intensely at first. So why do I have such feeling of foreboding she asked herself as she prepared to enter the loft. And then she got her answer as she heard John’s scream.
“NO! NO! STOP, Please make it Stop!!”
Marlena ripped open the door terrified at what she might find to see John sitting on the kitchen floor holding his head in his hands. Itis obvious to her trained eye that he is experiencing some type of memory flashback.
“Oh my God,” not again, she cried silently.” When will this ever end?” She approached him cautiously, realizing that he could act out on something from the flashback. She spoke to him very softly, “John, are you allright?”
He is calm and rational and she breathes a sigh of relief and waits for him to answer. “It’s happening again, Doc. Just like when you first came back to Salem and I started to get those images of running on the beach in military gear, training for some mission, the brainwashing. Only this time, it’s worse.” There is such weariness and strain in his voice and she feels his pain. “I can’t put any of it together, the memories are all just scattered pieces, random images of pain, violence, death and loss all around me. But I know one thing for sure, Doc there is much more to my past than we’ve already learned.”
Finally looking up to meet her eyes he said worriedly, “It scares me Marlena, not for myself, but for you and the kids.” John’s protectiveness and fear begin to overwhelm him and his words tumble out quickly “God what if… Doc, I can’t shake the feeling that you could be in real danger because of me, because of my past.” Feeling anguish he asked her, “What are we going to do? I can’t put you in harms’ way. I swore I would never do that again, but the thought of us being apart…it tears me up inside..”
“John, listen to me. Calm down, please. I know this is very unnerving for you, especially now when we’re just beginning to put our lives in order and renew our love. But you need to remember and hold onto something without any doubt in your mind. We are going to be together, no matter what. We promised each other that nothing would ever tear us apart again and a few short weeks ago we stood before God and said the wedding vows in front of our family and friends. Those vows and that promise includes anything we find out about your past. I LOVE YOU John Black! and there is nothing that we can’t handle if we stay together! You are stuck with me!”
John breathed heavily and formulated a reply, “Marlena, I know you mean that with all your heart, but how do you think you’ll feel if something from my past causes you or the children to be hurt in any way. You have been through such…hell, some of it recently because of….my..blindness to what Kristen was doing. I still feel so….guilty about that. Now, if something else happens because of me, I swear I’ll never forgive myself.”
John walked over to the door of the loft, his frustration at his inability to remember building, “Dammit, Doc why does this keep happening to me, to us? I don’t understand why I can’t remember everything from my past. Why, Doc. What is it?”
“I don’t know John, but I can say that WE will do everything we can to help you get your past back and make sense of the jumbled images your getting now. Now, why don’t you tell me about these nightmares you’ve been having since we returned from the honeymoon.”
Feeling strangely like a child whose hand was caught in the cookie jar he said surprisedly, “You knew about all that, Doc? But you neversaid anything to me about it.”
She smiled lightly and answered, “Well, I figured you would come to me when you were ready or when something happened and we couldn’t avoid discussing it. And it looks like today is the day for a nice long talk. What do you think, are you ready?”
John pulled her into a warm embrace and said, “Have I told you lately how much I love you and how very wonderful you are Mrs. Black?”
“Yes, but you can tell me that as many times as you like, Mr. Black. I never get tired of hearing you say it. I love you so much and please, don’t you ever think that I won’t stay with you because of something you remember from your past. We have faced danger before and we always survive. This is no different, have you got that?”
Saluting her and grinning in spite of the tension he says, “Loud and clear Dr. Evans, sir!”
Chapter 3
Painful Remembrance
All around the town of Salem there are new faces planting listening devices of high technology. The men are as inconspicuous as possible doing much of their work under the cover of night. Within 48 hours every place frequented by John Black has been visited and a monitoring system of some type installed. There are also a number of agents who will remain to do physical surveillance of his every activity as the “agency” watches for signs that the man may remember something which could be damaging to their operation in general.
John and Marlena have spent hours going over the contents of the journal in which John had been keeping a running log of his disturbing nightmares. As Marlena read his words she was overcome by the emotions the images stirred in her. “John, how could you have kept all this…pain from me? These dreams must have been…..horrifying for you,” she said empathetically.”
He stood near the kitchen counter looking over at Marlena who sat on the couch and he said simply, “Well, you….had your own worries and I just didn’t think I should do anything to cause you any more stress. Besides it was just some dreams, no big deal,” he said trying again to down play it all.”
“John, she said with concern, “these are no…ordinary dreams and you know it or you wouldn’t have kept this journal. Am I right? You wrote this down because you believe these are real experiences from your past, didn’t you?”
Sighing he said, “Oh, Marlena you know me so well. Yes, I….can’t remember any of them, but every time I dream lately I have the distinct impression that what is happening is something that actually took place somewhere in my past. Why can’t I remember, Doc? This is so..damm frustrating to have these images; the sights, sounds, smells, even tastes, are so…vivid it’s like I’m actually there Doc. Isn’t that strange?”
“No, John it isn’t. It’s actually common. When someone has…suffered serious trauma the way that you have–too many times I’d say, the mind tries to force down the memories sometimes because it is too painful to remember what happened. If these dreams do represent real experiences as I too suspect then you have been through even more trauma than we thought. It makes perfect sense that you don’t remember them all.” Eventually the mind tries to remember and the memories begin to push themselves through and it usually starts during sleep in dreams.”
“Why, now after all these years without the memories are they suddenly *pushing* their way to the surface? Maybe I don’t want to remember any more of my past if all it is so….violent and painful. Is there any way to stop it from happening, Doc? We were just beginning to feel safe and happy. Your own dreams have been less upsetting and you’ve had fewer of them in the past couple weeks. It just isn’t fair!!”
Seeing his growing frustration she said, “John, you know there isn’t any way to shut down the memories and emotions they evoke. You have to let it come and deal with it the best you can. We will handle it together just as we always have. Don’t worry about me, okay?”
He walked over to her and hugged her saying, “That’s just it Marlena. All I can think of is your safety, you and the kids are everything to me. These dreams are troubling because I keep picturing you caught up in some terrible situation because of something I did or was involved in before I even knew you. I would die before I’d let anything happen to you again, but what if I…can’t control it Doc? What if you were hurt by me during a particularly violent flashback or by someone who doesn’t want me to remember the past? I could never forgive myself.”
Forcing him to look her in the eyes she answered firmly, “John, I know you are worried about me and the children, but everything will be okay. We will get through this and we will be fine no matter what you remember. I believe in your fundamental goodness and you should too!”
“Okay, then can you do me a favor? I want you to put me under. I decided I want to start over and try to remember everything starting with what happened after I almost drowned. Maybe if we go back that far I can get a handle on everything. What do you say, can we try it?”
Marlena was more than hesitant as she instantly traveled back in her mind to the time she had hypnotized him just a few months after he had learned he wasn’t Roman Brady. He had remembered something so traumatizing that he seemed to be choking, gasping for air and it had taken more than a little effort to bring him out of it. It had scared her, no terrified her, she corrected herself and she had sent him away as he pushed her to try again. “John, I…don’t know if…it’s such a good idea right now. You have been through a lot and I…”
Waving her off he said, “Oh, Marlena you worry about me too much, I’ll be fine. Besides, you’ll be right here with me and if anything happens that’s too….upsetting you can just bring me out, right?” he asked with a pleading look.
Against her better judgement she agreed because she knew he wouldn’t easily let it go and because she realized how frustrating it must be for him to still not remember large chunks of his past. “Okay, we’ll try it but if I get the slightest…sense that there is something too….painful to deal with right now I’m going to pull you out and we won’t try it again until another time, allright?”
“Yep, I agree. Now let’s get started,” he said eagerly as he sat down on the couch next to her. He started to slow his breathing and focus on relaxing his body as she began to speak with in those soft melodic tones he found hypnotizing anyway. Soon he was under all the way.
“Now, John I want you to go back, way back in your mind to the time when you were a little boy. You and Lawrence were playing at home and…”
John could hear her at first and then he began to experience himself as a child with his brother. They were playing near the pool and he fell in and was frightened immediately as he couldn’t really swim yet. He called out for his brother to save him, but the other boy was frozen in his spot. John once again began fighting for air as he felt the life flow out of his body. As he struggled to get through it he started sweating and his ragged breathing scared Marlena again, but she allowed him to go a little further before she said, “John listen to me you are okay, go forward now to the time when you know you are safe again.” He responded after a few more harrowing moments.
The little boy, Forrest Alamain, was now laying on a bed in a place he didn’t recognize, but there were familiar voices in a nearby room. It took a few minutes to realize that it was his parents talking and they sounded upset. He felt very weak and he knew that it was just after the near drowning experience. The boy focused all his energy on hearing what the adults were saying. His mother was crying, “No, Leopold there has to be another way. I can’t bear to be separated from my baby. Forrest is so sweet and tender and he’s still so….little. He needs me and I need him too. Please, you have to find another way to protect him from Lawrence. We’ll get his brother some help and maybe…”
“Honey, you know that won’t work Lawrence is already so slick and manipulative, he’ll fool any therapist that tries to help him. And one day when we’re not looking…he’ll find a way to…hurt Forrest again. No, we have to send our…baby away somewhere he can grow up safe and free from his brother’s evil influences while we do the best we can to keep Lawrence in line,” the man said sadly.
As John recalled this incident his body tensed and he began to shake his head back and forth as if to force the truth away. He spoke out loud as Marlena asked him to describe what he was seeing in his mind, “No, no don’t send me away mama! I’ll be stronger than Lawrence and I won’t let him hurt me or make me a bad boy. Please mama, no! I love you and I need you. No, no papa please don’t send me away, please!” he kept crying out in total despair felt by the little boy who knew he would never his see his parents again.
Marlena’s heart broke for the little boy’s pain, for the life that John had lost because of his evil brother. John has suffered so much pain at the hands of evil people, it’s so unfair, he is such a good person and he deserved better. They should have sent Lawrence away, not John, she thought as she returned her attention to the session.
John could remember riding in a car somewhere and then flying on a plane leaving his home and family. He was so young, but he tried to be brave like his mother had asked. As the plane lifted off he couldn’t hold back a little boy’s tears any longer. He cried out in his mind, I don’t understand, why. How come I have to go away if I’m the good boy? Maybe it’s not true maybe I’m the bad one. John called out as if he were there now, “Why, mama, why do I have to go? Was I really the bad one? I’ll try to be good I promise I will. I did break that plate mama and I lost papa’s tool, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I promise I’ll dobetter. Please don’t send me away, please!” John was crying now, the tears of himself as a frightened lonely child.
Marlena cried for his pain and as she did she decided that John had been through enough for one session and began to bring him out. “John, I’m going to count you out now, but you will remember everything you saw, felt and heard just now. When I get to three you will be back here with me safe and sound in the loft,” and she commenced counting.
When he was fully aware of being back in the present he dropped his head and rubbed his face with his hands as the tears of the little boy he had been mixed with the feelings of the adult he had become. He couldn’t speak for a moment and then struggled to say, “I was the good one and they sent me away. I needed them so….badly and they sent me away because of that..evil…. Oh, God Doc this hurts!” he cried unable to say any more
Marlena knew there were no words for this kind of pain and so she simply moved closer and held him as he wept the tears of both the little boy who had just lost his parents and the man who missed out on so very much of the love and security that he had needed.
Chapter 4
Family Ties
John and Marlena talked awhile longer after John regained control of his emotions. He shared the deep feelings of loss he had buried inside ever since he learned he wasn’t Roman Brady and that the loving family that had been so important to him was never his at all. That in addition to learning that he was an Alamain was so…shattering that he had to push the loss down. Marlena was not really surprised by how strongly affected John had been by the session which had brought all the feelings of loss to the surface. She had often wondered how he managed as well as he did, having no real sense of his early life experiences and wondered what had grounded him. Marlena had a loving close family as a child and that had always been a very important foundation for her sense of who she was and her self-esteem. Marlena wished she could give that to him, but since that was impossible she did the next best thing and set up a little surprise for him when he woke up. Exhausted by his lack of sleep and the emotionally draining afternoon, he had fallen asleep in her arms as they finished talking.
Later, as the sun began to set, John began to awaken and heard
familiar sounds in the background. As he reached the awakened state he
found two sweet smiling faces staring at him. “Daddy do you feel better
after your nap? I always do when I wake up?”said Brady.
“Me too, even when I don’t fink I need to sweep,” agreed Belle.
John looked up at Marlena who stood back smiling satisfied at his reaction. He smiled and quietly mouthed the words “Thank you.”
“Daddy, guess what Mommy said, if you want want we can go over to the park to play on the swings and even though it’s almost dark now. We will be all by ourselves, but there will be lights on so we won’t be scared. Do you want to go with us Daddy, please?” Brady asked with a innocent sweet smile.
John couldn’t even consider turning his boy down and replied, “Yes, you little munchkins we can go to the park. Give daddy a minute to wake up a little and get ready, okay.”
“But Daddy you’re awake already,” Belle said slightly confused. Then she was on to another subject, “Daddy, we are a family now and I really like it alot!” and she came closer and gave John her best bear hug squeezing him surprisingly tight with a brilliant smile so much like her mother’s it melted John’s heart.
“Yes sweety we are a family and that is the best thing in this whole world to me,” he said smiling and once again looking over at his new wife with gratitude for recognizing that this was exactly what he needed.
John then popped up off the bed and ran downstairs calling behind him, “Last one downstairs is gonna get a great big slobbery kiss.”
“EWW YUCKY,” said the kids in unison as they scrambled down off the bed and headed quickly for the stairs.
“Sounds pretty good to me,” said Marlena as she slowly walked down the stairs and straight into her husband’s arms. He kissed her breathtakingly and said, “I like the way your mind works, Mrs. Black.”
“And I like the way your mouth fits mine so nicely,” she said quietly as she kissed him back.
Belle and Brady stood back with their arms crossed in front and Brady said with some dismay, “Here they go with that mushy stuff again.”
“Yea, Mommy and Daddy are kissin lots these days and I like it!” replied Belle with enthusiasm. “Cause that means they’re happy again.”
John and Marlena couldn’t help but be touched by their children’s comments and pulled apart and then enveloped the kids in a group hug as Marlena said, “Yes, that mushy stuff means your Daddy and I are very happy and the two of you have a whole lot to do with that. We are a happy family and nothing will ever change that, right Daddy?”
John felt such warmth and peace at this particular moment that he had forgotten all about what had upset him earlier and he answered, “Yep, this family is built on the strongest of love’s and nothing can shake that foundation. We will be together for always, I promise.”
The family piled into John’s Jeep and went off to the park even though it would be dark soon. They immediately went to the swings and playground equipment and both children said, “Swing me Daddy, please” and of course he did. He helped them get into two adjacent swings and then pushed each with one hand while Marlena got out the snacks she had brought for the children and the dinner she had ordered from the Pub while John was sleeping.20
She sat down on the blanket and watched the three of them. They each had expressions that put a sparkle in her eye and joy in her heart as she knew that she had helped to give all her precious ones precisely what they needed most. Marlena knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that whatever was ahead for she and John as they discovered more about his past that they would endure and grow stronger in their love for each other and their two children.
A short while later, the three of them came over to the blanket, the kids saying “We’re hungry!” and John saying, “Yea, we’re hungry what have you got there? and then he peered at the food she had arranged for the two of them and asked very carefully, “Uh, Doc…did you make this honey or is it from the Pub?” He couldn’t quite hide his uncertainty about taking a bite without first hearing her answer.
Marlena looked back at him with a slightly exasperated expression and said, “You can go ahead and eat it John, it’s from the Pub.”
“Whew, that was a close one kids,” he said grinning and leaning away from her expecting to get a little swat somewhere.
All Marlena could do was chuckle along with her family and say, “Allright, I know I’m not the greatest cook in the world, but I do great take out right?”
The three of them looked at each other and said at the same time, “Right Mommy!” John winked at his new wife and pulled her close and whispered in her ear, “And you make a nice dessert too,” And then he kissed her ever so softly and said, “I’d love to have you whip up a little something later if you’re interested Mrs. Black.”
She actually blushed a little at his suggestion and decided it was because the children were there and then she whispered back in his ear, “I think I have a recipe in mind already Mr. Black, it’s one I haven’t used in a very long time. I’ll just surprise you,” she finished nibling his ear seductively leaving him full of desire and wondering what she had in mind.
As he returned his attention back to the children and the meal they shared John realized that in spite of the recent turmoil of memory flashbacks and nightmares he really was at peace with his life and where it was headed for the first time since he found out he wasn’t Roman. After he and Marlena reunited his perspective had changed. He no longer felt driven to know everything about his past, but he did want to understand why there were such big gaps in his memory and he wanted to have some idea of how he came to be the kind of person he was so that he could pass his values on to his children. That was why he wanted to go back to his childhood to begin the search.
Marlena noticed he was deep in thought and asked, “John, are you allright, honey?”
“Yes,” he said. “I am, for the first time in a very long time I feel at peace Doc. It doesn’t matter what happens with my memories, being here with you and the kids makes me realize how very blessed I am to have you all to love and to share my life with. I love you very much, wife of mine.”
“And I love you very much, husband of mine, always” and she leaned in to kiss him again, this time with even more of a hint about the recipe she was thinking of for later that night.
The couple was lost in their kiss and it took the giggling sounds of their children to remind them of exactly where they were and whom they were with at the moment. Wanting in on the affection, Belle and Brady piled on top of them and started tickling their parents mercilessly until the four of them were laughing so hard that tears trickled out. These were the memories that truly mattered now and John treasured every moment he spent with his family. His heart was filled with joy as he memorized the smiles and the sound of their sweet voices in his ears.
Chapter 5
Emotional Withdrawal
John decided that he had been too vulnerable lately and he didn’t want Marlena worrying about him anymore. He saw such concern in her eyes as he realized that she had been watching him, observing for any signs of significant stress. So, he resolved to hide his emotions and avoid talking with her about the dreams as best he could, knowing she would hate it, but thinking it was the best way for now. He was worried for her too as she continued to have periodic nightmares about Peter and Kristen coming back to cause problems for them. “I have to be strong for her now. I…can’t let these dreams and flashbacks get to me,” he said out loud one morning while shaving. Then, he inadvertantly cut himself shaving and for some reason the small amount of blood trickling down his skin triggered a partial memory.
He flashed on a man in pain and bleeding, someone he knew very closely, he felt. The man was being…pressured to tell some men speaking a language other than English what he knew and John was trying to help, but couldn’t. John battled to bring all of the memory to conscious thought, but something stopped him and a severe headache interrupted the memory completely. It was all he could do not to cry out in pain. He stood over the sink with the water running for a long time.
Marlena heard noises from the bathroom and the water ran for a very long time, much longer than it usually took John to shave and brush his teeth. She went in to check on him and he stood in front of the sink as the spot he had nicked with the razor bled untouched. He had his hands at the temples as if forcing something out of his mind and he was in obvious pain. He removed his hands from near his head and put on a forced smile as soon as he saw her in the mirror and Marlena realized what he was trying to do. He had made the same maneuver a dozen times over the past several weeks and she wasn’t going to let it pass undiscussed this time. “John, what happened just now? and don’t say nothing because I won’t accept that again.”
“Doc, I…was just…thinking and I got this headache. I was..trying to will it away because well…you know with all these headaches lately, I don’t want to take too many painkillers,” John said seeing as he spoke that she wasn’t buying his lame excuse.
“John, I’m sorry that isn’t good enough. Please, honey you said we would face this together. Please don’t shut me out, I want to help you with these memories.”
John debated with himself. Part of him wanted to tell her everything and another part felt almost embarrassed at being so vulnerable, some would say weak he thought. ‘No, not yet,’ he wasn’t ready to share more, besides it was all so very confusing anyway. “Marlena, really it’s nothing to be concerned about, just let me go. I have to get out for my first real attempt at running. My PT said I could start today and I’m anxious to get out there before it starts getting hot.” Then before she could reply he danced out the door around her and bounded down the stairs and out for his run calling back, “I’ll see you later, Doc.”
Marlena hated what John was doing. Ever since the hypnosis session she sensed him pulling away, keeping things from her as if he was uncomfortable about what had happened that day. The strange part about it was that on the same night they had played with the kids in the park and then when the kids were in bed, they made incredibly wonderful love and she thought he had worked through some of the powerful emotions evoked by the session. Obviously since then something had changed for him and Marlena wanted to find out what.
As John left for his run, he felt guilty about leaving Marlena that way and he knew she wouldn’t let the issue drop, so he began to think of something to distract her. As he ran lightly, feeling out the leg’s strength, he heard a loud noise that sounded like a gun and was catapulted back in time again in his mind seeing images and feeling sensations as if he had actually travelled back in time.
There was that man again, an older man than he and wiser. John heard shots fired and blood was everywhere and the man screamed in pain. John wanted to help.. Another headache gripped his head in a vise and he fought for the memory. He sensed there was a gap in the recollection, then John watched as cars drove away with screaching tires and he was left alone with the victim, he held the man as he bled. John’s emotions took over and he was literally in that moment, screaming, “NO!! NO!!! You can’t die, I need you!!20
John hadn’t gotten very far from the loft and Marlena heard him yell. She literally flew down the stairs to find out what had made him react so strongly. When she got to him, he was sitting on his knees and appeared to be leaning forward as if there were someone laying down on the sidewalk. He was rocking forward and backward, still saying the phrases. “No, don’t go, don’t leave me alone!”
Marlena spoke softly and touched him gently on the arm, “John, honey it’s Marlena, I’m here. ”
John startled and then jumped to his feet in a defensive posture and acted as if he were drawing a gun, fear in his stance and his face. He didn’t speak.
Marlena tried again, “John, it’s Marlena, you’re safe and sound in Salem near your home, can you come back to me now? I think we should talk about this, don’t you?” she asked.
He relaxed into reality and opened his eyes which were clouded with fear for the life of a man who had taught him so very much about…what? What did he teach me about and why was he shot ? Who exactly was that man? John asked himself. “Hi, Doc,” he said quietly. “I guess maybe you’re right, we should talk about it. I wish I could tell you I knew what it all meant, but I have no idea.”
As John stood up, he kept picturing the broken images and the face of the man who had been the focus of the flashback. He just couldn’t place the memory and his head throbbed all the more as he worked at retrieving more details. “John, let’s go back to the loft and try to figure some of this out now, please. I can see you’ve been struggling with all of this by yourself, why don’t you let me help you like before.”
He wanted to let her in, to let her help, but he had to be strong. There had been too many tears since…Kristen and the…baby and he needed to pull back and regain his sense of masculinity again. And he wanted to protect them all from what he was learning about his past as he had bviously been involved in some very violent situations, who knows on which side of the law. So, instead of going with her to talk he said slightly defensively, “No, never mind, I don’t need..any help. I can handle it by myself, Doc. I….have to get back to my run now. I’m…fine, don’t worry so much.” He smiled and gave her a peck on the cheek, then he was off and running, before she could recover from his abrupt change of demeanor.
Marlena watched his retreating form as he ran slowly at first and then sprinted away from her. What a metaphor she thought. He started running from me slowly by hiding his dreams and now…he’s moving farther away from me each day, like he’s sprinting. “Oh, John why won’t you let me in? What are you so afraid of?” She remembered what he said about worrying she or the children would be hurt by something from his past, something he was involved in before they met. “Well, I just have to find a way to break through his defenses.” she decided.
It certainly would not be easy because when he made up his mind he could be as stubborn as a…mule. If he truly thought he was protecting her and the children she might not get anywhere with him, but for all their sakes she had to try. Marlena knew from her work that a person could only go so long when facing these intrusive memories before a real crisis hit, especially when someone tried to manage the memories without any support or assistance in understanding their meaning.
Marlena turned and went inside the loft and checked on the still sleeping children. Belle and Brady were stirring and woke up as she opened their door. Brady popped up and said, “Where’s Daddy I wanted to play with him this morning, he promised me we could work on my fastball today at the park.” Then he changed directions as if the first question had reminded him of something important he wanted to ask, “Mommy, how come Daddy goes away so much lately and why does he seem kinda sad even when he’s smiling?”
Marlena was surprised at her *son’s* insight and felt a little choked up at his concern and she said, “Well, Brady your Daddy has a lot on his mind lately, but he’ll be okay. He’ll keep his promise to you sweety, he’s just out running right now.”
The answer seemed to satisfy the boy, but Belle followed up and asked, “Mama, you and Daddy happy now cause you married, then how come Brady say Daddy’s sad?”
Again Marlena was amazed with her children and she said, “Honey, like I said your Daddy has lots to think about like…the baby that was in…Kristen’s tummy, do you remember when I told you about that?”
“Yes, mama you said that baby was in heaven with Brady’s first mama, is that what makes Daddy sad sometimes?”
Marlena paused as she thought of all the conversations she had shared with John about what it felt like to lose a child. She told him all about DJ and he shared his feelings about the unborn child he had lost. Even though he had realized he wouldn’t ever love Kristen in the same way as Marlena he had really loved the child he thought she was
carrying. Finally she answered Belle with only part of the truth, “Yes, sweety girl it is, but as I said before Daddy is strong and he will be just fine, you’ll see.” She said this as much to convince herself as the children.
John was able to run at a fairly good pace and it felt great to do it. As he ran his body gained strength and he knew he had really turned the corner on his physical recovery. Thank God, at least some parts of my life are coming together, he considered as he also thought of his family.
Then it happened again and it took him completely by surprise. He pictured himself running hard, training for something, it seemed. It was as if he were driven to reach beyond himself, as if he were competing with someone. He had worked out to total exhaustion, someone there pushing him, “Now, do it again, another five miles and then back on the machines, Move! move! move!” he heard someone yell at him. John was sweating alot and breathing hard as he finished his run back at the loft parking lot. He kept trying to figure out where this memory came from too, but every time he attempted to gain more detail he felt like he hit a wall and the headache returned with a vengeance.
John walked into the loft and three faces stared at him as he was still thinking about the flashes of memory. The faces showed that worry he was wanting so much to rid them of, so he quickly dismissed any further contemplation and smiled widely saying, “Hi, guys how is everybody this morning? You will be proud to know I ran three miles at a decent pace. I think Daddy is well on his way to getting back where he used to be. I’m getting stronger every day,” he said with some enthusiasm. “Now slugger how about we get you ready to go practice that fastball of yours?”
Brady beamed and said excitedly, “Oh, boy Daddy I’m glad you Remembered about that. I could hardly sleep last night. Someday, I want to be the best pitcher in Little League ever!” and then he ran up the stairs to get dressed and find his ball and mitts.
John smiled in response as he moved to give Belle a little hug and her mother a kiss of reassurance that all was well with him. She was the only one of the three that hadn’t lost that concerned look and he was determined to make it disappear; he deepened the kiss and spoke soft words of love in her ear. He made her a promise for later in the day and hoped that would do the trick. As he pulled out of the embrace he saw the expression of love and desire had returned to her face, there was no worry and he was satisfied with his efforts.
Chapter 6
Surveillance and Turbulence
Every move John made for four weeks had been watched, monitored, recorded and reported. Another meeting was scheduled of the select group which had to decide whether to continue observing the man or bring him in to determine precisely what he knew that could damage the nonofficial covert operations. Again Henderson was the chairman of the meeting and he began by having everyone watch the master tape of all the surveillance recording that had been done. The video had been augmented with the audio portion applying to various incidents. “Well, gentleman once again I ask freely for opinions of what you see here. What do you think is happening to this individual?”
Dr. Markey answered firmly, “He’s begininning to regain the memories and he’s fighting through the blocks. Clearly he’s struggling with severe headaches and he is trying to hide the emotional effects of the experiences from his wife and friends. He’s drinking, withdrawing emotionally, etc.
“Yes, I agree he seems to be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” said Dr. Smith. “The memories are increasingly intruding in his life and he is pulling away from his important relationships. The episodes seem to be triggered by seemingly benign stimuli so he can’tpredict and avoid them. This is obviously distressing to him and he’s trying to piece the memories together and make sense of them, but his frustration is increasing.”
Hudson said, He isn’t sleeping well and he’s pushing his physical recovery. He is headed for trouble soon I’d bet, unless he let’s someone help him like Dr. Evans, but he seems to be fighting it for some reason.”
“But the real question is do you think he’ll remember something that could hurt us or is he in enough confusion and under enough stress to keep him from getting that far with his memories?” asked Henderson.
“I know I’m not the expert by any means,” said the the general, but it seems he is having so much of a struggle right now that it will be a very long time before he can put enough of his history in order to figure out he worked for the CIA and that it was possibly knowledgeable about his *disappearance.* We may never have anything to worry about with this one,” he said fairly confidantly.
Dr. Smith countered, “I wouldn’t be so sure. Dr. Evans isn’t about to let him keep avoiding the issues for long. She will make her husband confront the memories and work to find their meaning no matter how he protests. I’d be willing to bet that eventually he will give in to her persuasive nature and let her help him.”
“Then we could have trouble, but as long as he pushes her away he won’t be able to make sense of it all, I assume,” said Henderson again. “Okay, I want the men in there doing whatever is possible to keep him dealing with the memories alone. Make sure he doesn’t have a lot of time to talk with Dr. Evans and we should be in the clear for quite some time.”
Hudson responded, “How do you expect us to do that. He’s married to her for goodness sake. How can they be kept apart without kidnapping or something of that nature?”
The general said, “I’m sure we can think of something if we put our heads together, don’t you?” he asked smiling with maliciousness.
Within the hour a plan was developed to force John Black to remain silent about his recovered memories. They had decided that some strategically place phone calls to let him know he was being watched by someone with the power and willingness to take away or hurt his loved ones would keep him dealing with the flashbacks and dreams alone. John Black had one main weakness, his love for Marlena Evans, his children and the Brady’s. He would do anything to protect them from pain and it would nearly be his own undoing.
The phone rang at midnight and John was still up, as he had been putting off sleep as long as possible so as not to dream. He wanted to tell Marlena what was happening because he knew it was getting to the point that he couldn’t handle the flashbacks and dreams on his own anymore. He was contemplating how to open himself up after holding back for so long, when the phone rang out, breaking his train of thought.
Marlena had almost given up trying to get him to come to bed with her. Their sex life was even beginning to suffer for it and it was this aspect of John’s situation that had her greatly concerned as this was always such a strong part of their relationship. If he were avoiding her this way he was really suffering. She stood on the stairs as he picked up the phone on the desk downstairs and she heard, “Black here.” then silence for a long while. Then John spoke in pleading tones, “No, please not my….I promise I won’t…just please don’t.” He spoke in broken phrases, as if he was being interrupted by someone and she could tell he was very worried about whatever the other person was saying. Marlena just couldn’t stand by any longer and let John go this alone and she planned to confront him, to make him let her help.
“John, who was that? I heard what you said and I could tell you were very worried about something. Don’t tell me it’s nothing to worry about or any other excuse. You tell me right now!”
He knew this was going to be tough to get through. Marlena was mad as well as worried now and he couldn’t just blow her off. He had to think of something good to avoid telling her that the truth was he had just been threatened not to tell her any of what he remembered. The caller had said if he told Marlena any more about his dreams or daytime memory episodes he would be putting her and the children at great risk. He had agreed without question as the caller had told him John’s every move was being monitored, revealing some intimate details of the couple’s recent conversations to drive the point home. He said carefully choosing his words in light of someone listening in, “Doc, it was…justsomeone who was doing some investigations for me and I was getting pretty upset bout the lack of results and….
His wife interrupted him, recognizing instantly that he was lying, “Oh, please John your excuses are getting more ridiculous all the time,” she said disgusted. Marlena walked over and stood close to look in his eyes and then said with sadness, “You know John, when we said the wedding vows I thought you meant them. When you promised to always be honest and share everything with me, I believed you. We swore we wouldn’t hold back our feelings ever again.” She broke down in tears and pleaded, “John why are you shutting me out? I love you and I want to help.”
‘Oh no not the tears, I can’t take the tears,’ he thought as he moved in to hold her. John didn’t want to make her cry, but he couldn’t tell her the truth either because of whoever threatened to take her from him. That would be worse than her ire and sadness.”Marlena I…can’t…please understand. I don’t even know what to say about all that’s happening to me because it is so strange and undefineable. The memories are just fragmented pieces and I keep hitting these walls when I go after the details and the headaches follow soon after. I don’t want to shut you out, but I’m not really sure how to let you in either.”
Marlena tried to understand his reluctance, but all she felt was rejection when he wouldn’t open up to her. She knew he was battling for control all the time and fighting to regain his memories and put the pieces together. She wanted to help in the struggle, but he kept shutting her out, trying to handle everything on his own. They weredrifting apart and he wouldn’t do anything to stop it.
She said as she stepped back from his embrace, “I thought you trusted me to help you. You always did before and I don’t understand what has changed. John, you’re exhausted and irritable, you’ve been lying to me, drinking several beers a day, you disappear for hours without telling me, we don’t talk much at all and you’re hardly even coming to bed anymore. I’m scared, John for you, for us,” she said crying again in spite of her best efforts.
What could he say to all that. God he was scared too, but he hadn’t even realized how bad things had gotten because he was so caught up with trying to understand and confront the frequent and increasingly disturbing nightmares and flashbacks. John had to say something or he risked losing her in a different way then the caller meant. “Doc, I’m so…sorry, I guess I didn’t realize that I was doing all that.” He approached her tentatively and reached out to touch her cheek as he said, “I love you Marlena more than I ever have, but it’s just…this is so hard to deal with and I’ve been trying to protect you.”
Marlena was still crying and fearful for the relationship as she responded, “I am more afraid of losing you because of how you’re handling this or shall I say not handling this than I am of anything you’ll remember. John you are going to destroy yourself and our marriage if you continue this way. Don’t you see that, honey?” She held his face in her hands and said passionately, “The kids hardly know you anymore, you’re gone alot and when you’re here you have that faraway look and you hardly pay any attention to them. We all miss you John and we want you back.” She walked over to the couch and sat down and just wept, not having any more to say.
‘Oh God I have to do something or I’ll lose her. I’d be so lost without her, but she doesn’t feel that right now.’ He went to sit down beside her and as he put his arm over her shoulder he said softly, “Marlena, honey don’t cry. I’m sorry, I’ll try to do better. I’ll try to share some of what’s happening with you, but I can’t promise not to want to protect you and the kids from harm. You are my whole world, Doc and I would be completely lost without you. Please, don’t give up on me. I can take anything but that,” John said, almost crying himself, as he realized how desperate the situation had gotten from Marlena’s perspective.
Marlena answered, “That’s the whole point I’ll never give up on you, but you can’t go it alone. This marriage is a partnership, John. We are supposed to face our problems together now. You’re dealing with something that is very powerful and difficult to handle and you need me to help you, but I can’t if you don’t talk to me, John.”
John was torn: if he agreed to open up to her he risked her safety, but if didn’t he risked losing her and he couldn’t bear that. Marlena was right, if he tried to handle this thing alone he would destroy himself and their relationship at the same time. God help me know what to do and please keep her safe, he prayed. “Okay, Doc I’ll try to share what I can, but if I have the slightest feeling that you’re in danger, I won’t fail to do whatever I think is necessary to protect you, allright?”
Smiling for the first time that evening she said, “It’s a deal.” They sat quietly holding each other for a long while, enjoying the feeling of closeness that began to return and then Marlena broke the silence, “Now how about you come to bed and show me exactly how it is that you love me more than ever, husband of mine.”
“You’ve got it baby,” he said with a seductive wink and then he picked her up and took her to bed. He wasn’t worried about dreaming at the moment because sleep was the farthest thing from his mind.
Chapter 7
Heart Wounds
John and Marlena spent much of the night with lovemaking, some talking tossed in occasionally. Marlena had enjoyed being close to John so much she somehow didn’t really notice that he hadn’t told her very much about what was going on with him yet. The next morning he woke up before she did and was busy getting ready to leave for a meeting of the Development Committee at the University when Marlena came down the stairs and stopped him as he put on his suit coat. “John, wait a minute, I wanted to talk with you for awhile before you left this morning remember?”
John looked at his watch and said as sincerely as possible, “I’m sorry honey, but I have to go now or I’ll be late for the meeting at the University, remember I told you about that?”
Marlena knew he had the meeting, but it was also obvious he was starting to avoid her already and she was hurt by it, “John, Iast night…we talked..I thought..” She stopped mid-sentence and was upset again,”..John you’re avoiding me already. This has to stop or we won’t make it through this crisis.”
John tried to downplay her concern, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Marlena, I have to go to this meeting and you know it, we’ll have to talk later on, okay?” He moved in to give her a kiss and she turned her face away in anger. Marlena was upset with him again, he knew that, but to turn away like this. That hurt him and he asked, “Doc, why did you pull away from me like that?”
She had already turned to go back upstairs and replied, “John, that is what you are doing to me; you are destroying our marriage by running from me, from the pain of what is eating at you. If you don’t stop it you really will be all alone to deal with this. Maybe that’s what you want, maybe you just can’t believe in yourself enough to think you deserve to be loved no matter what happens. After all, your parents did give you away when you were little didn’t they!” She felt his heart break at that comment, but she just couldn’t stop herself, she had been hurting for so long because of him shutting her out and she wanted to hurt him back, to shake him into understanding what he was doing to them and change his behavior.
His spirit was crushed at the last remark, “Oh, Doc…how could had sent to his heart, “You know how much it…hurts me still to think that they didn’t love me enough…to keep me.” John just slumped against the door of the loft as the comment wounded him deeply.
Marlena felt tremendous guilt for attacking his self-esteem and she went to him and said, “I’m so sorry, John. I didn’t really want to hurt you, I just want to make you understand what you’re risking by shutting me out. I’m so afraid for you, for both of us. Please! John don’t push me away any more or we won’t survive this!”
He was still hurting as he thought back to the hypnosis session and how he had felt as the little boy whose parents sent him away, “Marlena, this is so….overwhelming and I’m so out of control. Half the time I don’t know whether I’m in the present or the past and it’s all so mixed up. I’m trying to make sense out of these jumbled images and I can’t. Doc, they’re all so violent…I’m afraid you and the kids will be hurt, and that’s why I’ve tried to handle it myself, to protect you.”
She felt horrible for them both and she told him, “John, I understand that you feel you have to protect us from external threats, but what I need you to understand is that right now we are in more danger from your way of handling these memories than from anything outside this family. Don’t you see that honey? This is tearing us apart, John! I can’t stand back and watch you destroy yourself by going this alone and ruin our marriage in the process.”
He was confused, “Marlena, just what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that if something doesn’t change soon, I’m…going to go away for awhile to think about what the future holds and give you the space you seem to think you need to handle this all by yourself.”
He was shocked, he never thought it would come to this. They had only been married for a couple of months, hell they were still newlyweds. “Marlena, you aren’t….thinking of leaving me are you? Please you can’t leave me, I can’t live without you, Doc! I need you so much, I love you so much!” he cried fearfully.
She was crying now, wanting to break through his defenses, “Then let me help you, John! You know I can help you with this!”
He wanted desperately to let her in, he knew he couldn’t handle much more on his own and she could help him, but the caller had made it clear that if he told her what he’d remembered she would be in danger. “I….can’t Doc, try to understand. I….have to protect you from…”
“From what John? You are the one who is dangerous to me now!” She was so hurt and angry with him, “You have hurt me so much by lying to me, disappearing, shutting me out of your life, all of it. I’m through with the begging. If you want to destoy yourself, then you go right ahead, but don’t expect me to stand back and watch. I’m leaving today, John.” She was glad they had kept her old place for awhile. “I’ll stay at the Penthouse tonight and don’t come looking for me unless you decide to share all of yourself with me like you said you would in our wedding vows, you do remember them don’t you?
John struggled to find anything to say or do to keep her there with him, but he couldn’t. There was nothing more to do until he remembered all of it, his entire past and it was so ironic. Marlena was the one person in all the world who could probably help him make sense of the conflicting and confusing images and flashes of memory he was experiencing. All he could say was, “Yes, I remember, Doc. I did mean them and I still do.”
Disgusted with him she said, “Sure you do, John sure you do. What are you still doing here anyway, don’t you have an important meeting to go to this morning?” Marlena turned toward the stairs again and left him alone to decide on whether his future included her or not.
After John had left for the University, Marlena remembered that she had wanted to speak with one of the professors who had asked her to do a guest lecture in his class and she had never set a date to discuss it. She called the man and scheduled to meet with him later that morning.
As John was walking around the campus thinking about what to do to keep Marlena from leaving that night without endangering her, he heard some students talking and laughing, some in languages other than English. At least two were speaking in Japanese and he suddenly began to get a strange feeling and flashes of memory hit like lightning.
He was instantly transported back in time to another life, a world away from Salem and he got lost in it. There were people speaking in threatening tones in that same language, men with guns and other weapons yelling at someone. Who was it? A man John knew very well and loved almost as the father figure he had lost at such a tender age, someone from whom he had learned much about life and….something else, but what?
No! the man was being tortured and beaten with the butt of a gun and John stood back wanting to help, but having been ordered to get help. He had gone for help and was waiting, paralyzed somehow. He was a very young man then and he was afraid. Oh, God they’re going to kill him, I have to do something. He started to go to the man, but was seen and the men shot at him, grazing him in the head. They saw him go down bleeding and assumed he was down for good and continued their interrogation.
John struggled for more memories, but the headache came then. No,
I have to remember. “Fight it John, fight it” he told himself. As he
struggled for the memory he flashed ahead to the sound of the screeching
tires and the man he loved falling over onto the ground, left for dead.
The young version of himself crawled over to his *father* and cried out
to the heavens as he held the dying man, “No! you can’t die, I need you
so much. Please, God don’t take him from me, he’s all I have, NOOOO!”
John Black did not realize that he was the one screaming out in the
present as he heard the loud yelling that echoed in his mind. “NOO!
don’t leave me, PLEASE!”
Marlena was a hundred yards away, having arrived for her meeting, but she knew in an instant whose scream she heard. She ran at breakneck speed shedding her high heels to go to the man she knew was having a frightening flashback from the terror in his voice. When she arrived he was in that same position kneeling as if someone was lying down in front of him. He was sobbing the tears of a young man losing someone he loved, “No, please don’t die, I won’t know what to do without you! You are like my father, you know that don’t you? Please don’t leave me, I have so much more to learn, who will teach me?”
Marlena knelt down next to him, completely oblivious to the group of bystanders who had gathered to see the crazy man crying out to nobody as if there were someone there. This sort of thing didn’t happen on the campus very often and it was quite a show for them. She waited until he was calm and spoke quietly to him, “John, honey it’s Marlena, you’re having a flashback, but it’s okay. You can come back to me now. You are safe and you can handle the memory. Open your eyes now, please and tell me about it.”
His eyes flickered and then opened slowly and he wiped away the tears of the young man he had been. “Doc, oh Doc I loved him and he left me alone. I finally had a father figure and he left me to find my own way. Why do I lose everyone I love?” He paused a moment and said more, “They killed him; I was supposed to help him, but I…froze and he died. Oh God, it was my fault!!”
Marlena realized that he couldn’t really talk about the memory rationally immediately so she just helped him stand up and took him over to her car to calm down. She would talk with him then about what it all meant and how he felt about it. “It’s okay, John you’re going to be
Chapter 8
Revelations
John and Marlena sat quietly in Marlena’s car for a long while as John worked to bring his mind back to the present, while trying to make sense of the upsetting memory flashback he had just experienced. He wanted to share it this time because pretending not to be terrified by it would be impossible. Marlena had been there to witness it and he couldn’t deny the pain it caused, but he also knew he really needed her help to understand and put it in perspective for himself. So, he decided he would take the risk that whoever had called him last night would not find out what he told Marlena. He had not yet seen the men who followed him wherever he went and watched him for almost every waking moment. “Marlena, I….think I want to tell you about that…if you still want to help me,” he said feeling bad about having shut her out all this time.
She glanced over at his emotionally worn out form, put a hand on his leg and said tenderly, “Oh, John of course I still want to help with all of this. That must have been pretty scary for you. Tell me about what you remembered, please.”
John said, “I…I’m not sure where to start, Marlena these memories have been coming in bits and pieces and I can’t figure them out very well.”
Just then John’s cell phone rang and seeing that John was wiped out, Marlena answered it, “Hello, may I help you?” she asked.
The man on the other end was one who had been watching John and he was surprised to have the lady answer, but recovered to say, I’d like to speak with John Black if he is available, please.”
She took charge for a moment, as it was obvious John was in no shape to have a phone conversation at the moment. “Mr. Black is not able to come to the phone right now, may I take a message for him?”
The man smiled wickedly and answered very carefully, “Yes, you may. Tell him that the detective who called the other day is still working on the case with the same operating conditions in full force. Everything will stay as is unless too much information is revealed and then he will be contacted regarding the consequences. Could you please tell him those exact words so he will understand the message completely?” asked the caller.
“Yes, I will tell him exactly what you said, sir.” Marlena was puzzled, but informed John of what the man had told her. As she gave the information to John she could have sworn she saw fear in his eyes for a fleeting moment and then it disappeared. Then she said, “Now, the phone message is taken care of and I turned the phone off for awhile, so please go ahead and tell me about these flashbacks you’re having, John.”
John had gotten the message loud and clear. Whoever had been watching and listening had seen him have the flashback and was watching him and Marlena as they spoke. He was being threatened not to tell her about that memory and so he had to figure a way not to tell her. ‘She’ll know I’m lying and that something changed after the call. What am I going to do now? If I tell her anyway they will figure it out, but if I don’t….I’ll lose her for sure after changing up on her again.’ “Marlena, I…don’t feel very good right now, can we talk about this later, honey?” He was trying to seem worn out and a little sick, but he could see she wasn’t buying his act.
Marlena was forceful with him, “Oh, no you don’t, John. You were about to share this horrible experience with me and now all of a sudden you don’t feel well. You are not getting away with that lame excuse, you tell me right now!”
John tried to stop her once more and realized as he did that she was very angry and planned to vent on him. “Please, I am really tired and I…need to take a break from all of this pressure. I…can’t talk about it now, Doc.”
She let go the frustration fly, “John, I am going to make you a promise. If you don’t tell me what is going on with you right now, I’m leaving you here alone and going to the Penthouse! You were all ready to open up until….” The truth suddenly dawned on her, “Until the phone call, that’s it, isn’t it? That strange message…it was a threat, wasn’t it John?”
Marlena could see him try to hide his reaction to what she was saying, but the flicker of panic and fear she had seen earlier had returned to his eyes and the muscles of his face and neck betrayed him, even as he denied it. “No, Doc that isn’t true at all, really I’m just beat from the lack of sleep and I want to get some rest before we get into this stuff seriously.”
She ignored his words completely as she finished drawing her conclusion, “Of course, now it all makes sense! That call late last night and then this strange call, the way you changed your attitude so rapidly. John don’t even try to deny it again. I know the truth now, so you might as well be honest with me.”
He let out a long breath and knew he could no longer lie to her, she had deduced what was happening and he had to come clean, but he had to think of another way to keep her safe after he told her the truth. It came to him and it would be so….painful for them both, but he could see no other way to handle the situation and keep everyone he loved safe from harm.
“Yes, Marlena you’re right about everything. Those calls were threats of harm to you and the kids. The caller said that if I told you any more of what I remembered you and the kids would be hurt or taken away from me. I couldn’t risk it because I don’t know who it is and why they don’t want me to tell you. It’s all so confusing. I’m sorry I shut you out, Marlena, but I had no choice after last night.”
“Oh, John I’m sorry that we’ve had such tension in the relationship lately. You know, I thought there were a couple of times recently when you wanted to open up and then you just closed yourself off and that was before the threats, why John?
He was hesitant to admit the truth to her, “I was holding back before that because I felt…so…vulnerable after what happened with Kristen, the baby, then the hypnosis session and..” Feeling uncomfortable, he looked down toward the floor of the car while he said the next part, “I didn’t want you to think I was….weak.”
“John, don’t you know by now that when you suffer through painful experiences I don’t expect you to pretend nothing’s wrong so you can play the strong unaffected man? John we have always been close enough to share our joy and pain and shed tears with each other. Why should all this be any different?”
“Well, it was just getting to be a little too many tears for me lately, Doc and I needed to find the strong side of myself again, can you understand that? Besides, you had your own worries and I wanted to be there for you.”
She felt for him and answered, “Of course I can understand John, but at what price? Were you prepared to lose me for that need to pull back emotionally, for your male ego?”
“No, I was going to…let you in that night when the call came in. I was getting ready to try and tell you some of what I was experiencing and let you…help me,” he said shyly. “I really didn’t know how bad things had become between us until you confronted me about it. I guess I was so caught up in trying to make sense of the memories that I was pulling away from you and the kids without realizing it.”
“Well, the situation had gotten very bad, John. I meant it when I said I was going to leave for awhile to think and let you do the same, if you continued to shut me out there was no other choice.”
He sighed and said, “Yea, I know and that’s why this idea of mine to keep you safe is going to make you crazy now that you know the truth. Marlena I think you should go through with your plans to leave me and go to the Penthouse with the kids.”
She was flabbergasted at his suggestion, “John what are you saying? You want us to be separated now! I don’t understand.”
John knew she would be shocked and said, “Just wait a minute and let me explain. If whoever it is finds out I’ve told you about my memories you could be in danger. They have heard us fighting about all this and if we suddenly get close again they will be suspicious of what I’ve told you. So, I think you should pretend to break it off with me and go to the Penthouse for awhile until I can get a better handle on these flashbacks and dreams. Then I might know something that would help me figure out who it is that’s threatening us.”
She was angry again and worried, “No! John I just saw you handle a flashback by yourself and it wasn’t pretty. John the flashbacks and nightmares have been intensifying and increasing in frequency and when you have them at night you’ll be all alone and could act out on something you recall, No I don’t like it! There has to be some other way to deal with this threat.”
He was exasperated, “Well if there is I sure don’t know what it is, Doc. This is the best way to keep you and the kids safe and you know that is all I have ever cared about. We can figure out some way to see each other, it won’t be so bad, come on Marlena. Think of it this way, you won’t have to trip over my running shoes by the front door and curse me for leaving whiskers in the sinks after I shave, or leave the toilet seats up. Won’t that be a nice change for awhile ?”
She tried to laugh in spite of the pain and fear she was feeling about the whole situation and they hadn’t even discussed the flashback yet, which had obviously been terrifying. “John, we have been apart forso long, we are newly married and you want me to volunteer to be separated after we just came to an understanding about our problems. I don’t want to do it, John!”
“You think I want to do this! I can hardly bear to think of being away from you for one night, but I just can’t see any other solution to make them believe I’m dealing with the memories all alone like they want me to do. Marlena, I love you more than my own life, you must know that and I would endure any pain for your safety. If you can honestly think of another alternative to ensure safety for you and the kids I am all for it.
you should tell me about that flashback you just had a short time ago so we can start making sense of these experiences, okay?”
“John nodded and took a deep breath before launching into it, “I…don’t know where to start with it. I….well there was this man he was older and wiser than me and I was young. He was like a father to me somehow and he taught me things about life and love. I flashed on him being….tortured to..death and I.. tried to get help, but there wasn’t anybody who could get there in time so I went back and made a lame attempt and was shot in the head, just a graze on the temple. I…can’t remember all of it.”
The headache returned with vengeance as he struggled to regain the memory. “Then it gets cloudy and I remember the man bleeding and dying in my arms with me crying out for him not to die. I really loved him, Marlena, I could feel it in my soul. He was really like a father to me, the father I never had and then he died and I was all alone again, the story of my life I guess. I…should have saved him, but I froze in my fear and he died because of me! Marlena, why can’t I ever seem to protect the people I love from getting hurt?”
Marlena had been silent for him to tell the story and express his feelings about it without being interrupted. Now, she wanted to help him with the emotions it evoked in him. “John, I’m sorry that you lost him, but blaming yourself won’t help, you know that. You’ve been down that road too many times lately.” She was gentle with him, but firm nonetheless as she placed her hand on his shoulder, “John, you are not superhuman, you’re just a man, a very strong and brave one, but still a man and you cannot protect and save everyone you love from all pain, it’s just not possible. You have got to accept that somehow or it will eventually destroy you and everyone you love because it eats away at your soul, John.”
What could he say to that? Of course she was right, Marlena was the wisest person he knew. “Marlena, I….guess I have been fighting that truth for all the life I can remember. This is probably going to sound crazy, but I think maybe it’s that idea you mentioned earlier about needing to feel like I deserve to be loved.”
Marlena’s heart went out to him as she remembered the wounded expression that came to his face when she had made that remark earlier in the day, “John, I am truly sorry for hurting you that way, it was….cruel and I’m deeply sorry. I was hurting and I wanted to hurt you back and make you see what you have been doing.”
He closed his eyes for a moment and said, “That’s okay, Doc. I know that now. Besides it’s….true; somewhere in the back of my mind there’s this idea that if I protect and save everyone from pain, then maybe they’ll love me in return. I think I must have been trying to convince myself I was worthy of love ever since my parents gave me away. I could never shake the belief that I was bad and they didn’t want me anymore. I guess I thought that if I was strong and brave and played the hero that would make me good enough to be loved.” John fought not to cry again.
“John, oh honey you are so good, you must know that and it isn’t because you are a hero which you certainly are to me. It is because of how wonderful, compassionate and loving you are, how tender and romantic you can be.”
Marlena and John moved close forgetting for a minute that they were being watched then as they were about to kiss for comfort. John remembered and said, “No, we can’t do this, we are being watched. We have to make it seem as if we’re fighting still and you have to leave me here alone and go to the penthouse tonight. He saw such anguish in her eyes that it pierced his heart and he said, “I know….but it’s the only way to keep you safe, please just until I have a better handle on these memories and how they fit together.”
“John, I don’t want us to be apart again, it’s so hard on us, please can’t you think of something else to do?”
John was upset too, “No, I can’t, not at the moment. I’m sorry
Doc. But, I will talk with Abe and arrange a place and time for us to meet without them knowing what we are doing. I already have an idea that might work and I’ll let you know. Now we need to have a fight.”
She sighed and started it with some of the frustration she was actually feeling coming through in her false words as the two of them stepped out of the car, standing on opposite sides of the vehicle.”That’s it John, I’m leaving you today! If you can’t tell me the truth about what is going on with you then you can just live your life all alone. It’s over, John! I won’t put myself or the children through this any more!”
He felt her anger about what this was doing to them and replied in the role, “No, please don’t say that Marlena, I love you and I need you, so much! Please don’t leave me, I can take anything but that!”
She hated this, it was killing them both to say these words, “Goodbye, John! come and see me when you have changed your mind about all of this, otherwise we are through!
John fell wearily against the car, feeling agony about their impending separation so he wasn’t really faking it when he said, “No, I love you, Doc! I thought we were forever, please don’t leave me like this!”
Marlena wanted to be held and she wanted this madness to go away, for they seemed to have only fleeting moments of happiness before some horrible intrusion occurred in their lives and she resented that very much. She looked at him and then turned away to go to her meeting, only partly pretending to be very angry at him and trusting that he was right about this latest pretense for their protection.
Chapter 9
No Answers..More Questions
John watched Marlena leaving for as long as he could still see her, all the while wishing for some other way. Dammit why does this keep happening to us? We have these brief periods of peace and then something comes along threatening to take it all away from us. Well, not this time, I’m not going to let that happen again, he promised silently. He made himself walk away from the car and over to his own Jeep and as he did so he finally noticed that he was being followed by someone. He led the man into a secluded area and then caught him off guard and turned around quickly and grabbed the man when he got close. He was angry and this man saw it in his eyes, “Allright, suppose you tell me who has you following me, is it Dimera or should I say Peter Blake? Come out with it or they’re going to have to find someone to replace you here!”
There was a little fear, but then the strength of the agency bolstered the man’s confidance. All he had to do was mention the slightest threat to Black’s woman and he was putty in their hands. “You think you can smoke me and they’re going to forget about it? That pretty lady you were with earlier there, you love her, don’t you Black? I sure would hate to see anything happen to spoil her beauty wouldn’t you?” Even as he spoke he felt the man’s grip loosen. “You are just too easy you know that.”
Shutting his eyes, he shook his head for a second as a sudden image of Marlena with bandages on her face came to mind. With a mixture of anger and fear for her he said, “I never forget a face and if anything, and I do mean anything ever happens to her, I will come after you and everybody you’re working for and I will show no mercy, you got that?”
The man believed him, but he also knew that there were ways to get at him and mess with his head that could prevent him from ever being any threat to him or his superiors. “Be warned Black, you have no idea of the danger you are in or the power we have over you and your miserable little life, so I wouldn’t be making any threats I wasn’t sure I could keep. By the way, who is Peter Blake?” he asked tauntingly as he pulled completely out of John’s grasp and walked away leaving him to wonder just who it was that was threatening him and his family.
John spent a few more minutes trying to recapture the memory from the flashback so that he could get a lead on that question, but that excruciating headache returned and he couldn’t focus anymore so he gave it up for the moment. He decided to go see Abe and fill him in more completely on his situation of late. He had to find a way to have contact with Marlena and the police station could be the way to do that if his idea worked. He thought of a plan to ensure that both he and Marlena would be there for legitimate reasons on a regular basis and then find a secluded place to meet where there wouldn’t be any listening devices.
Abe Carver sat quietly at his desk reviewing case files and was more than a little startled to see John come bounding into his office like he owned the joint. “Hi, Abe having fun are we?” he asked teasing as he looked at the big piles of case files all around his friend’s office.
He was slightly irritated at John and so he said, “You know you could consider knocking on that door before you come in here, why don’t you try that?”
John realized his mistake, “Oh, yea sorry Abe, I just have a lot on my mind lately…you know.”
Abe remembered what Marlena had told him. She had come to Abe to see if John had shared any of his troubling memories with Abe. He had not been able to help her as John had been tight-lipped about what was bothering him. Abe had known for weeks that something was eating at him and had tried numerous times to get him to talk about it, to no avail. “Yea, I heard about that. Any luck with it yet?”
“Nope, just a jumbled up bunch of memory fragments.” He said that for the benefit of whomever might be listening. He gave a signal to Abe to let him know their conversation might be bugged and so they left the office and went to an area of the station where it would be highly unlikely to have a bug, the boiler room.
When they got there Abe had to ask, “So tell me buddy what in the heck is going on with you? Marlena came here the other day and broke down in tears about whatever it is you’re going through. She thinks your marriage is in big trouble, now tell me how that can be when I know you love her beyond anything I’ve ever seen anyone feel for another person?”
“Well, she probably told you about these memory flashbacks and nightmares I’ve been having. That’s the problem, Abe these things are so violent with people dying left and right. There are bombs, shootings, drugs, so much violence in them and Abe I’m right there in the thick of it all. I can’t help but worry; my past is putting her in danger so I tried to hide it from her and handle it myself.”
Abe looked at him with concern, but couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him trying to hide something like that from Marlena. The idea was doomed from the start. He just listened to his friend tell it however.
Seeing the recognition of his failure, he said, “Well, you can guess how successful that was. She confronted me several times about what I was doing and I wanted to tell her, but somehow I just couldn’t and I guess things were getting pretty bad. I had been thinking of opening up to her and then I got this call. He threatened harm to Doc and the kids if I told her anything I remembered. The guy repeated some intimate conversations I’ve had with Doc, you, the Brady’s. They have every place I frequent bugged and today I cornered a guy who was following me.”
“Do you have any idea why or who it was that called you?” asked Abe.
John shook his head, “Get this, it’s not Blake. I could tell that from the way the guy reacted to the name and he made this really menacing threat about what kind of power they have over me and my life. I’m still at square one, who in the hell else could it be that doesn’t want me to remember my past?”
Abe was stumped, “Good question, John. I have no idea.”
Marlena went to her meeting at the University, but found herself
unable to concentrate on what the professor was saying. She couldn’t stop thinking about what she had seen when she found John kneeling down, the emptiness and pain of loss in his voice, even when he talked about it later. Whomever it had been in the flashback had been vital to John’s sense of self and the loss was shattering to him. He had been a father figure that John had needed so desperately when he was little, but didn’t have. To have finally found it and then lose again had to shake him to his core. Could that have been enough to keep John from remembering all of his past. What was it that kept those memories from resurfacing all these years? This question had plagued both the woman who loved John and the psychiatrist in her from the day they all learned he was not Roman Brady. She was committed to helping him unravel the mystery of his past whatever danger might come along with that journey of discovery.
The other thing that caused her to have difficulty concentrating that afternoon was thinking about how painful it would be to be separated again even in pretense for the benefit of whoever was threatening to harm her and the kids. She hated the idea and was still angry at John for deciding it was the only course of action. She would continue to attempt to persuade him otherwise and knew of one sure way to make him regret his choice. She would try it this evening and if all went according to plan she and the kids would be staying with him at the loft. She smiled as she envisioned how the evening would progress.
John went to see Marlena at the hospital after talking with Abe about his idea for them to have the opportunity to meet at the police station on a regular basis. Abe had agreed and would officially contact her later. Abe also sent out the press release about John’s side of the plan. John had just been selected to help with writing the new training manual for Police Cadets regarding hostage situations, deep cover techniques, training in subterfuge, handling police shootings of others and being shot by a criminal and the emotional impact of those situations on the officers from a cop’s perspective. Marlena would be approached to help with the manual as well covering the emotional aspect from the psychiatric point of view, discussing various treatment techniques helpful when shootings occur, etc. They would have to collaborate on a frequent basis and meet at the station for that to happen. It was the perfect cover for them and he hoped she would go for it.
Marlena was lost in thought as he knocked on her office door. “Doc, do you have a minute, I’d like to talk with you about something. It’s important.”
She continued to play the role as he nodded to her to do so, “John, unless you’re here to tell me about the flashbacks and nightmares, you can forget about talking with me. I told you how I feel about what you’re doing.”
This was perfect, “Marlena, I told you about that, I…can’t tell you because it’s not making any sense to me. I don’t even know where to start it’s all so jumbled in my mind. Please I came here to ask you a favor for Abe. He’s going to call you later, but he asked me to run this by you first. He asked me to help with writing the new training manual for the Salem PD and he wanted your help as well. What do you say?”
He hoped she’d go for it without any real questions. “John, I’m pretty busy with the practice these days, you know.” She stopped as she saw his pleading expression and realized this was his way for them to be together.
John wanted to cement her understanding of what he was trying to do so he said, “Marlena, the reason I came here to ask you myself is that it would require us to spend a good deal of time together at the station. With everything that’s happened between us lately I….didn’t know if you wanted to do that or not. What do you think?”
She smiled at him knowing he had made good on his promise to find a way for them to spend a significant amount of time together and said, hesitantly, “Well, I’ll have to think about it and review my caseload to make sure I can fit the extra time into my schedule. But, if I accept this is nothing personal. What I told you about us still stands. I’ll let you know after I talk with Abe.” That was what her voice said, but her eyes spoke volumes as she went over and hugged him tightly and very quietly so as not to be heard by any monitoring device said, “Yes and thank you so much for thinking of this, you wonderful man.” And he returned that sentiment with “You are so very welcome my love, I promised.”
Chapter 10
Stolen Moments
It had been three days since John had been able to see his wife and his entire being ached to be near her, to hold her, smell her sweet scent, run his fingers through her soft silky hair…..”John…buddy are you with me here?” said Abe Carver. When he still didn’t get an answer he said as he smiled, surmising the reason, “Thinking of Marlena aren’t you?”
“Yep..I was..Can’t seem to think of anything else right now. I really miss her partner,” he said sadly.
“Listen, maybe we should just let this go until you and your estranged wife have a chance have a chance to work on this manual. Then maybe you’ll be able to concentrate a little better, you think?”
For the benefit of any “bugs” he said, “Well, it’s not like she wants anything personal right now. She’s pretty steamed about me being so tight-lipped with these memories and all.”
“I know, but it will get better eventually, John. You have to believe you two will work this out somehow. I’ve never seen two people more in love than you and Marlena. Now why don’t you go on down and meet with her, okay?” He winked as he said it knowing there would definitely be something personal and John smiled too as a slight blush appeared in his cheeks.
John had enlisted Abe’s help in preparing the room where they would meet with a few surprises for their time together that would not be encumbered by concerns of listening devices or surveillance equipment.
He smiled widely as he thought of the look on Marlena’s face as she entered the room and saw what had been arranged for them. “Oh, Marlena I hope you have cooled down a little about this plan of mine to keep you safe for awhile…hopefully a very short while.”
He went to the lounge that had been built with the top brass in mind, it was a place where they could unwind from the pressures of their top level jobs and it was comfortably furnished with couches and soft arm chairs and the lighting could be dimmed to comfort tired eyes. There was even a stereo in the room. The new mayor and Chief of Police had beenenlightened and believed that if their top people had a place to relax and alleviate some stress periodically they would be more efficient in the long run. ‘Lucky for me, I’m sure Marlena doesn’t even know they did this.’ He made sure the music was right and the food ready, wine appropriately chilled and the lights dimmed to just the proper setting to set a mood, and then he sat down to wait for the woman he treasured more than any other in his entire life.
Dr. Marlena Evans was just finishing up some research when she glanced at her watch and realized that the time had gotten away from her. She had been reviewing some information on Post Traumatic Stress and had to admit after reading some texts and reviewing the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria that John was in a full blown sydrome. Her good friend and fellow psychiatrist Laura Horton had reluctantly concurred though she had tried to find reason to discount that theory for Marlena’s sake and John’s too. She had been thinking of how in the world he would get through it without someone such as herself to help him sift through the fragmented images he was getting and the emotions they evoked in him. The flashback of losing a father figure had obviously been very upsetting and who knew how many more traumatic memories would follow now that the floodgates had apparently been opened for him. Being separated from her was the absolute worst action they could take for him at this time, but he had been insistent it was the only way for her and the children to remain safe from whoever was threatening them. She hoped it wasn’t Peter and/or Kristen.20
“Well, enough of that,” she told herself. “It’s time to go see John and tell him this charade has to end or….He has to listen to me about this because it’s my field, I’ll just have to convince him that’s all there is to it!” And then as if a lightbulb went off she decided she would talk and if that didn’t work she would use what had almost succeeded the other day if it hadn’t been for another phone call warning him about revealing his memories. We’ll just turn the phone off this time she thought not many people will know we’re at the station anyway.
A short time later Marlena arrived at the police station and went to Abe’s office and he directed her to the lounge where John was ready and waiting for her arrival. When she opened the door she was amazed at what John had done for her pleasure. There was a white tablecloth on the table in the corner next to a couch. There was an amazing spread of food, even some wine and a candle on the table. The lights were dimmed and music was playing on a stereo all helping to set a mood for romance and she was touched. “John, oh how I have missed you. Thank you for doing all of this for me.” Then she took him in her arms and kissed him passionately. He began to respond in kind and it wasn’t long before they were very involved.
“I’ve missed you so much too. Sometimes I can’t think of anything else. Abe was trying to have a conversation with me and all I could think of was you. I’m sorry about the separation, Doc. I just can’t see any other way of handling this situation.”
She felt the sadness encroaching and decided to change the direction of their conversation. “John, speaking of situations, what else have you remembered about your dreams?”
He didn’t want to upset or worry her so he said, “It’s about the same, still a bunch of mixed up memories. But I do have another favor to ask, can you hypnotize me again? I want to find out more about my childhood if I can remember more.”
She realized his motive here, but decided to respond anyway. John, the last time was pretty traumatic are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes, I am. I keep thinking if I go back to when I was young maybe my memories will meet in the middle between the fragments I’m getting now and the old ones from my childhood. Does that make any sense at all to you, Doc?”
Smiling at him, she agreed, “Yes, it does actually. It makes a lot of sense to me. I think maybe you’re right. But we don’t have to do it now, do we?” She kissed him again and he found himself lost in it. His body always responded so quickly to her kisses and gentle touch.
John’s hands began roving around her skin as well and their passion was becoming more intense by the moment. He said, “Uh….what was that you said Marlena…I…. yea, the hypnosis can wait for a little while.” John felt his desire building swiftly and all thoughts of anything else but Marlena drifted right out of his mind.
Soon their desire for closeness was overpowering and the world just went away as they shared that incredible lovemaking they had only known with each other. It hardly took any physical contact to stir them overwhelmingly and they allowed themselves the freedom to surrender to that passion as the door was locked and the area of the station was out of the bustling section. Afterward they stayed intertwined for a long while just enjoying the feel of being close again. It was so much better now that John could be more open about what was happening to him. He had felt such tension having to hold back on her and had been pulling away to avoid it. She had felt that tension too and was so glad she had been there when the latest call came and she figured out what was going on with him.
When they were dressed, they ate some of the food that had been prepared and just enjoyed those simple pleasures. “John, thank you for finding a way for us to be together like you promised. I didn’t think it would work out so nicely and I’m happy about this.”
“But…what else Marlena. You were going to say something else. What did you want to tell me?”
She had to explain what she knew about this kind of situation, “John, what’s happening to you..there’s a name for it. It’s called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” She paused as she saw his reaction to her words..” and it isn’t something to laugh about John. This is very serious and you should definitely not be all alone to handle it.
He was chuckling at her intensity, “That’s quite a mouthful, you psychiatrist types sure do make it complicated to describe a bunch of dreams.”
“Oh, John stop it. You know this is more than that and you’re not ignorant about psychological terms either. So quit trying to avoid the subject which is that you should not be alone to deal with all of this.”
He had tried to distract her into an argrument and it didn’t work so he said, “Okay, Doc. I’ll try to be serious about it. I understand why you’re concerned but there’s no other choice for now. I wasn’t going to tell you about this, but I was followed when we staged our fight this morning. Whoever it is that doesn’t want me to have your help with these memories, it’s not Peter and they are watching every move I make. I can’t take any chances with your safety and the kids too. I’ll be okay and if it helps maybe we can work out a signal for when I need to talk about a flashback or something and we can meet here, will that work?”
“Well no, but it’s better than nothing. It isn’t what I believe is best for you, John. Tell me something, why is it that we always have to do what you think is best or safest for me and the children and we can’t be concerned about your needs? This is a serious crisis you’re having with your past and you need me to get through it, John. I’m worried, and not just as your wife, but as a psychiatrist. I’ve seen this destroy very strong people who try to handle it all on their own. Tell me you’ll think about it at least.”
He conceeded that much, “Okay, I’ll think about it Doc. Now let’s enjoy the rest of our time together, we’ll have to vacate this place soon.”
Chhapter 11
It Begins Again After saying goodbye to Marlena until the next meeting ,John decided he would get in a quick run and then settle in at the loft for the night. He planned to study the journal he had been keeping on the dreams to see ifthere was any connection he could make between the various dreams and alsoto attempt to spark his conscious memory for what he knew were real experi-ences.
His leg had fully healed, but he had to admit to himself that his running had been hesitant and so today would be the time to really push theworkout. He ran hard for several miles and felt pretty good so he decided to do some wind sprints at the high school track and just as he reached peak speed a memory flashed in his mind like lightning and suddenly he was on another track in another lifetime. Someone pushed him to exhaustion and beyond his physical capacity. He felt more than exhaustion in his body, there was real pain as if he was trying to come back from something which had caused serious injuries…from what? He dug to retrieve the memory and had to stop running as he hit the brick wall in his mind again. What is it with that he asked himself. He told himself to fight through the headache, but as he did the pain intensified and was soon all-encompassing. He laboredto stay upright as it felt as though a bolt of lightning had struck inside his head, every nerve ending fired in spasms and he clutched at his head with his hands. “AHHH!!”, he yelled out loud. His vision blurred and a waveof nausea hit him hard. Okay, Okay stay cool, let it go John, let the memory go….yea that’s it. He forced himself to let it fade away and he steadied his breathing and slowly the pain faded with it. “Whew, that was a rough one,” he said out loud as he finally felt normal again. He shook his head and tried to clear out the cobwebs. He dialed Marlena’s cell phonenumber and then as it rang a couple of times changed his mind. She’ll justworry and what good will that do. Nope I’m doing fine now so why bother?
John went back to the Jeep to stretch out and then hopped in and droveoff toward the loft again. As he did another memory flashed instantly inhis mind as he heard screeching tires nearby. In his head he was watching a car drive a way and started to run after it yelling at the driver to stop.He couldn’t capture the memory entirely, but he felt terrified in it. He was trying to help whomever was in the vehicle, but why? what was wrong? As he kept trying to regain the memory once again the headache came back with a vengeance and he lost control of the Jeep when his vision blurred again. Luckily he was still near the high school and since it was summer vacation there was very little traffic so when he skidded off the road andfinally came to a stop just before hitting a fence, he didn’t run into another car. As the Jeep stopped, his head jerked violently forward into the steering wheel and he was out cold. He hadn’t told anyone where he was going and so there he would sit until someone noticed the Jeep parked awk-wardly.
Two hours later, he started to come around and felt very disoriented,not remembering what had happened. It was about 8:30 and just getting dark; he tried to figure out why he was sitting there. His head throbbed and as he reached up to touch it he felt blood running down the side of hisface. He tried to focus his vision, but had no luck there. Any movement caused pain so he just sat there for awhile hoping the dizziness would fadein a minute or two, but it didn’t. Nausea accompanied any attempt at movement as well so he leaned back in the seat and then reached for his cell phone, but it had flown around inside the Jeep and he couldn’t readilyfind it by groping with his hand. So that was it he had to move to find it. ‘Okay, John just don’t throw up and you’ll be fine.’ He leaned over to search for the phone at the base of the passenger seat and it didn’t take too long before he found it. He had to lean back again and wait until the dizziness passed before attempting to dial any number. Now who to call, notan ambulance he wasn’t in that bad a shape, Am I? no, I’ll call Abe…thenhe found he couldn’t retrieve the number. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ Then Marlena’s number from the penthouse just came to mind suddenly. ‘Oh, I hopesomebody’s there with her tonight. Oh yea, she said Laura was coming overto see her, good.’ He dialed and waited, trying to stay conscious, “Doc..uh I’m in a little trouble is Laura still there?”
She was concerned, “Yes, she is but, John what’s wrong?” “Well, uh..not sure, but I kinda…crashed the Jeep and hit my head. Doc, I was out for awhile, don’t know how long. I’m at the high school nearthe track…oh…..ow! Can you come get me? He was starting to fade out again.
“John, you don’t sound too good. I’m calling an ambulance to take you to the hospital. You’ll have to go anyway if you were out for very long.
“No, please not an ambulance can’t you come and take me there if you think I need to go in after you see me? I hate the whole stretcher routine, you know I do, please Doc.” “You are impossible and I’m going to be nice and not say I told you so until I can say it to your face, John. Lean back and I’ll be there as soon as I can. Laura said she could stay with the kids.”
He sighed with relief, “Thanks, Marlena. I owe you one, you wonderfulwife of mine.” She chuckled at him and said a quick you’re welcome as she hung up and got ready to go get him.
She looked over at Laura as if to say Men, what are you gonna do with em? And then she said, “Thanks for staying with the kids while I go get that stubborn husband of mine, Laura. I told him that being separated while he was having all these memories could be dangerous and I was right. Boy am I going to rub it in when I know he’s okay for sure. Maybe he’ll give up this idea of handling everything on his own.”
“You’re welcome and for his sake, let’s hope he finally realizes you were right all along,” said Laura supportively.
John leaned his head back and waited for her to arrive, his angel ofmercy. She was going to be steamed when she found out he had a flashback and lost control of his car. He had remembered that after she hung up. As he sat there waiting, the memories started flooding back with the sound ofa siren wailing. Someone must have seen the Jeep where it sat and called 911. There were scattered images of people screaming, fires burning, sirensblaring, bombs? These images were very jumbled and mixed with the pain in his head from his wound to cause only confusion and more pain as hestruggled to make some sense of it all. He couldn’t handle it any more and he called out to the air, “No! Stop, Stop it! Please, no More!” He washolding his head as if to make the memories go away and then he felt her hand on his arm.
“John, honey it’s me. Tell me.” His head just throbbed and he lost the images completely. “Doc, I can’t do this any more. Please help me make it stop,” he said with anguish in his voice. “It’s too hard. These damm memories come in all these bits and pieces and when I try to go for details then come the headaches…it’slike my head’s in a vise grip.”
She felt compassion for him and decided not to say anything like Itold you that being apart was a bad idea or more than that. “John, justtry to relax and let the paramedics check you out and then we can decidewhat to do next, okay?”
As she said it the paramedics arrived as if on cue, “Hello there,Mr. Black is it? I thought that Jeep looked familiar when we pulled up.” The man had met John sometime back when he had stopped to help an injured motorist before the paramedics arrived. “Looks like one nasty bump on thehead you’ve got there. What happened, can you remember?” He didn’t want to tell the truth, but he didn’t want to lie eitherso he said something in between, “I…uh…don’t remember exactly, but Ihaven’t been drinking if that’s what you’re asking me.”
“No, no not at all, just helps us know how you’re doing if you can remember and the police will be asking the same question of you soon. Now,here let me take a better look at that.” He shined a light in John’s eyeswhich had a glossy appearance and then tried to get him to follow the beam and John couldn’t do it. “Well, Mr. Black you need to go the hospital,do you want to ride with your lady friend here or in that nice little ambulance over there?”
John looked to Marlena hoping she still would take him in and she said, “He’ll ride in with me, thank you for coming and checking him out. He hates ambulances and stretchers so if you think he’s okay to go in the car that’s what we would prefer.”
“As long as you take him right away. I wasn’t kidding about it being a bad one. He hit hard and his eyes aren’t real responsive. I think he has at least a moderate concussion there.”
“I promise to take him straight over there and thank you again. Let’s go, John,” she said as she assisted him in getting down from the Jeep seat and to a standing position. As they walked to her car she couldn’thelp but ask him, “You had a flashback and lost control of the Jeep didn’tyou?”
He groaned and said quietly, “Yea…you were right, Doc. I’m sorry I argued with you about this whole thing, but what can we do with the threats hanging over our head? I don’t want anything to happen to you and the kids.”
“First things first. Let’s get you checked out and then we’ll gofrom there to decide how to help with the memories without putting therest of us in danger, allright?”
“Sounds like a deal to me. Thanks Marlena for being so….great about all this. I love you so much and I know I drive you nuts sometimes. I’m sorry.”
“Well I’d like to argue with you on that one, but you do make me crazy with your stubborness. But, since I married you I guess it goes withthe territory, you big lug.” She smiled and hugged him and then helped him get into her car for the trip to the hospital.
Chapter 12
Serious Considerations
John was treated and admitted overnight for observation as he did have a fairly serious concussion. His head throbbed and he was quite dizzy and very nauseated. Any movement caused significant pain and Marlena decided to stay with him. Laura had eagerly agreed to stay with the children at thePenthouse.
“John, this isn’t something we can pretend is no big deal anymore.You could have been killed or hurt someone else tonight and that worries me very much.”
“I know, me too Marlena. But, what can I do? These things hit at the most unpredictable times for no apparent reason. I…can’t control it at all and I have to admit it, that scares the hell out of me because when ithappens it’s like I’m there, Marlena. I’m back in the past and the presentdoesn’t exist for however long the flashback lasts. I totally lost controlof the Jeep because in my mind I wasn’t in the jeep, I was in my jumbled up memory fragments. That’s terrifying for me to think about..My God, whatif I had you and the kids with me?”
She was very concerned and though he would hate it she said, “Wellfor starters, I don’t think you shoud be driving right now. You are too vulnerable to the flashbacks which are seemingly so random at this point.” Seeing the disagreement in his face she said, “I know that seems impossible,but John do you really want to endanger others because of your pride and the inconvenience?”
He shook his head and wished he hadn’t, “Oh…man I hit it hard didn’t I?”
“Yes, now why don’t you just relax and stay still in that bed for awhile?” She got no argument at all. He wasn’t supposed to sleep for too long, but a little rest couldn’t hurt either he thought as he faded out forawhile.
Marlena sat there watching him breathe and tried to figure out a wayto make it possible for them to be together so she could help him with thememories when they came without endangering herself and the children. Shehad not thought of a solution by the time he came to again. He was groggyand wasn’t sure where he was at first, “Doc…where am I? Oh…yea I hit my head didn’t I?” he asked as he tried to sit up and quickly thoughtbetter of it. “I must have really cracked myself a good one,” he said as he rubbed the front of his head.
“Yes you did my husband and I’ve been sitting here trying to decidehow we can get you through this in one piece without putting the kids in danger, but I still can’t think of anything.”
“Maybe we should just speed up the process as much as possible byhaving hypnosis sessions as often as we can and force the memories to thesurface. Unless you can tell me we can stop them from coming completelywhich would suit me just fine about now.” She shook her head to both ideas, “John, listen to me this really isn’t something you can have control over. The memories can’t be stopped and if we try to force them to the surface it could be too overwhelming foryou to handle. As hard as it is for you, I think we need to just let it happen naturally. I’m sorry, John I know that’s not what you wanted to hearright now.”
He sighed and agreed, “No, it’s not. Doc, this is really starting to get to me. Half the time I don’t know if I’m coming or going and the flash-backs are so unpredictable and I feel so out of control in my life. I just want it to stop for awhile, that’s all. I’m so….tired.” “Here let me give you a massage, maybe you can relax a little, okay, honey?”
He nodded and took off the hospital gown for her and settled down onhis stomach for her to work her magic. As she gently rubbed his back in anonsensual way he began to drift off to sleep, but then it happened again. He was in another hospital bed, getting some type of treatment while in this same position. What was it? where was he? Someone was rubbing his back hard as if to hurt him, was it therapy of some kind? No, ….then there was a needle in his back and he felt that stick and then the floodof powerful drugs flowing rapidly into his blood stream and he called out,”NOO!! NO Oh God it hurts!” John had cried out as he tried to pull away from the needle being jabbed into back part of the muscle below his shoulderblade at the same time as Marlena rubbed that spot. He violently jerked away from her touch and rared back as if to strike his oppressor. He was immersed in the past and there was such fear and anger in his face and body,it frightened Marlena.
She spoke to him quietly though, “John, it’s okay you’re in the hospital with me, you’re having another flashback.”
He struggled to determine which was the real experience of thepresent and finally it registered in his face and he opened his eyes to realize he had frightened Marlena that time. “Doc, you’re scared, what didI just do?”
She didn’t want to upset him, but still…”You pulled back your fistas if you were going to hit me, but you didn’t do it. I talked to you andyou stopped immediately.”
He dropped his head for a moment, “Oh, Marlena, you see that’s exactly what I’ve been worried about all along. I might have really hurtyou, Doc. He looked at that beautiful face, the delicate skin and reached out his hand to tennderly caress it, “Marlena, if I ever……hurt you, even by accident…I could never forgive myself.” There was a single tear that leaked out of his eye as he imagined what almost happened. “I’m sorryI scared you.”
She wanted to reassure him it would never happen, but she wasn’t sure. He had been tensed, his muscles ready for a fight and if one second more had passed….he would have struck her. “John….I am really worried about this. I’m more convinced than ever that some very horrible things have happened to you in your past and you’ve been blocking them for a longtime. Now, something has triggered your mind to begin releasing them, maybe killing Stefano, I don’t know. But you have just begun the process….it’s going to get much worse, John.”
“Oh Doc, I wish I could argue with you on that, but I’ve known for awhile that this was going to get ugly and tonight just proved it to me. Marlena, we have to face it, I am dangerous man for you to be around right now.” He shook his head as he said, ” I can’t believe it, but I came this close to hitting the person I love more than anything in this whole world and that scares the heck out of me.” He had his fingers and eighth of an inch apart for emphasis.
He pulled her into a tender embrace and they began kissing as if itmight be the last time for quite a long while. Their passion flared swiftly at the intensity of the situation as tongues collided and hands explored exposed flesh. “I love you, John.” Marlena raked her fingernailsover the hair on his chest as he opened her blouse and unsnapped her bra.Then he ran his fingers across the tender skin of her belly and breasts.Within a few moments they felt overwhelming desire for each other,
John’s headache was a distant memory now. “I need you so much,” he said in return. John began planting kisses on the back and sides of her neck working his way around to her mouth and then she surprisingly captured his lips with hers and forcefully kissed him with her intense desire. This last kiss wasenough to send them into the frenzied movements of impending climax and she said, “I want you now, John!”
“Oh, baby…” His breath was ragged and beads of sweat formed in various places as he complied with her request. They reached a sharedecstasy and it was incredibly satisfying, made better by the intensityof the situation that had preceeded their lovemaking.
“Whew….that was so….hot!” said Marlena as their breathing began to slow a little.
“Yea…woah…that was incredible, Doc. I sure miss being with you at night like this. I just wish….” He closed his eyes and saw himselfstriking her because of some flashback experience. No, I can’t let that happen he vowed even though he knew he might not have control over it. I have to stay away from her right now even if it kills me to do it. After they were quiet for awhile and Marlena thought he was ready she asked about the memory he had. “John, why don’t you tell me what just happened before we made love. Something terrified you in that flashback.”
He winced as he tried to remember it, the headache swiftly returning. “I…I’m not sure really…it seemed like I was on some type of table or hospital bed and someone was roughly massaging my back and then there was a needle and some kind of drug. I…remember it felt like what Stefano used on me for brainwashing. There was this cold sting and then it went into my bloodstream..” He shut his eyes tight remembering the painand the feeling of losing control and he shuddered visibly.
“Oh John…the things you’ve been through…Was it a memory of Stefano and what he did to you or something different, can you recall?”
He had to concentrate hard and then the headache threatened again “I…don’t know…maybe…No, it was some other place…other voices..OH!…The headache got worse as he fought to keep the memory and obtain details.”Oh God…..the headache…oh…Doc!” This was about the worst he’d had yet and he fell back on the bed and almost passed out.
His breathing was shallow and rapid and this worried her, “John, let it go, let the memory fade away. You’ll get it another time….just take it easy.”
John began to calm his breathing and he did what she said and let the memory fade from conscious thought. “Whew….that was tough. I’m starting to get the idea that someone put some kind of a memory block in my mind so I wouldn’t remember these things. Certain memories..when I go for details it feels like my head is on fire, Doc.”
“John, are you saying this happens a lot?” she asked alarmed by theidea. He hadn’t told her how severe they had gotten, only that he had afew headaches and she hadn’t witnessed one in its entirety before. He had clearly been in extreme pain.
He was apologetic and a little embarassed, “Uh….yea…I didn’t want to worry you so I..kinda downplayed the headaches, until the ones yousaw tonight. Why, is that really important?”
“John, you almost passed out just trying to remember. You tell me,does that seem like a normal state of affairs? In my opinion, someone has gone to great lengths to prevent you from regaining these memories. Youshould have told me how bad it was getting, John.” Marlena was quiteconcerned about what had been done to his mind that could cause this severity of blockage and overwhelming pain in his head.
Chapter 13
Doc Takes Charge
Marlena sat in a chair across the bed from John staring at him. He was resting comfortably now, the headache had finally faded a few hours ago and he had fallen asleep. What could have been done to cause such severe headaches? Why and who had done it? Those were the real questions to be answered. She knew that Stefano had perfected the techniques of fabricating and altering memories, supressing them with post-hypnotic suggestions, using triggers to provoke recall or place someone in a trancelike state. But, John had said the memory he just had wasn’t about Stefanoand that man was dead at John’s hand. The people threatening had nothing to do with Peter, John had been certain about that. So…who was it? why did they want to keep his memories buried so much that they would threatenhis family to force him to deal with them without help?
As she watched him, she remembered what had almost happened whenhe had rared back as if to strike out at his tormentor. He could have badly damaged her face, maybe have broken her nose or jaw and had she notbeen the trained psychiatrist who knew exactly what was happening and what to do to calm and bring him out of the flashback he would have hither. This frightened her; what if she had been a doctor or nurse? Then there was the accident, he could have been killed last night or killed someone else because of what was happening to him. Some very important decisions had to made immediately or someone could very well be hurt or worse. She could not allow him to stay alone at the loft while these incidents were happening, but she had no idea of how to convince him to take the risk for his own and others safety. All he could see was that sheand the kids would be in danger because of the threats hanging over theirheads. She came to a very difficult conclusion. It was time for her to take charge of their decisions about this situation. It was her field and she would even go so far as to place him in a private hospital to keep him and others safe during this chaotic time with his memories if it became necessary. He would hate her for it, but he would be safe and his safety was just as important to her as hers was to him. She would do what she had to do regardless of the tension it would create in the relation-ship. She was finished with letting him call the shots because of his intense protectiveness for her and the children and he would get a tasteof what it had always felt like when he took control with that motive inmind. Marlena would tell him what she had decided when he awakened. She prepared herself for fireworks as she saw him beginning to stir.
He sat up rubbing his head and said, “So it wasn’t a dream..I wrecked the Jeep and landed in the hospital didn’t I?”
“Yes you did and that brings up a very important decision we have tomake John. I have been doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been sitting here watching you sleep and dream. You are not going to be allowed to stay alone at the loft. In my professional opinion, you are not safe to be aloneright now. You are dangerous to yourself and others because of the disorder I told you about.”
He was getting her drift and he was a little nervous about her tone, “Doc..just what are you saying here? What do you mean not allowed?”
“I’m saying..either you agree to stay with me at whichever place wedecide, you stop driving completely and let me help you with the memoriesor…I have you hospitalized for your own safety. This is a very serious situation John and I’m not going to let you make all the decisions any more. This is the psychiatrist talking in case you didn’t notice.”
John was completely shocked at what she had just said and he couldn’t think of a good reply for a long moment. Then he felt the anger coming through, “Doc you can’t do that, you wouldn’t…not against mywill.. No!”
“John, I will do whatever I think is best for you and all concernedin my best professional judgement. If you don’t agree to what I’ve said I will take steps to have you committed for your own good.”
Now he was really angry and he felt himself shaking. He simply couldn’t believe what she was saying and she was dead serious. Marlenawould actually have him committed to a psychiatric facility if he didn’tagree to do what she said. She had never taken charge like this before and he was overwhelmed by her intensity and a little intimidated by thestrength and conviction in her voice. “Doc, I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You would do this to me? force me into a….No, you can’t do that,I won’t let you do it!” “Okay, if that’s the way you want to play it, John.” She pulled outher cell phone and dialed her secretary. “Hillary, I need you to draw up some commitment papers and bring them down to me in room 305. Leave the name blank, I’ll take care of that. Oh, and check to see when the next available hearing is for me would you please….Thank you Hilary, I appreciate it.”
She calmly put the phone back into her purse and looked up to see a totally flabbergasted expression on John’s face. He couldn’t believe it, she was completey serious and she would have him involuntarily committed if he didn’t agree to her conditions. He was livid, but he knew she coulddo it. The judges respected her opinions highly and if she said he needed to be committed they might ask for an objective opinion, but that wouldjust be a formality. He knew her opinion wouldn’t be challenged and he would be sent to a psychiatric hospital if he pushed this. He forced theanger down a notch and capitulated, “Okay I guess you’re calling the shots from now on, Marlena. I have to tell you though this is gonna stickin my craw for a long time. I am so mad I can’t see straight right now.”
She ignored the anger and said, “I’m glad you’ve started to see thingsmy way.” She dialed the number for Hilary again, “Hilary, I’m not goingto need those papers just yet, but keep them handy for me allright?” Shehung up and just sat back in the chair without another word.
He just laid back on the bed and seethed for a long time. She had taken complete control from him and she knew what that did to him after all the things that had been done to control his mind and body and his life in the past. This hurt him and he wasn’t ready to even try to under-stand why she had done it even as in the back of his mind he knew the reason. It was the same reason he had convinced her to fight with him andmove to the Penthouse, the same reason he had hired so many security personnel so many times in the past, the same reason he had pushed the sign-in sheet so many years ago. She had done it for his safety, but hismale ego felt violated and he couldn’t see past that at the moment so his anger boiled at her as she sat there with a somewhat smug expressionon her face. Finally he calmed down enough to ask her, “Why…tell me why you’retaking control over me like this, Doc!” He was still very upset with her
“Because you are in a very dangerous situation right now. These memories and dreams have overwhelmed you, John. You haven’t eaten or sleptwell in months. You’ve turned away from me, the kids and all of our friends because of how stressful and unpredictable the flashbacks are foryou. And last night you almost got yourself killed and came within one second of punching my lights out! Now is that enough for you? It is justnot safe for you to be alone for any extended period of time right now. So I had to force you to accept the reality of your situation.”
She was right. He sighed and felt some of the anger beginning to fade as he tried to think of what to say. “This still makes me so angry. I hate being controlled, you know that makes me crazy, Doc. But, I guess I can understand your reason; thanks for looking out for me. So, what do we do about the threats? ”
“Well, we ask Abe to help us out and you hire some extra privatepeople to protect us on a twenty-four hour basis. Then in the mean time we do everything we can to help you recover as many of your memories aspossible so we can figure out who it is and why they don’t want you to remember the past.”
“You really have thought all this out haven’t you, Marlena? I guess it will have to do for now since you aren’t leaving me any choicein the matter…but I don’t like it.” “I never said you had to like it, John. I am glad you decided toagree to my terms though. I didn’t want to have to go through the ordeal of putting you in the hospital against your will. I think that would have been pretty rough on us both.”
He still couldn’t believe it, “You really would have done it wouldn’t you?”
“Yes I would have John. I wasn’t bluffing in the slightest so ifyou have any ideas about running out on me or some other scheme to avoidfollowing through on my terms, don’t try it. I’ll have you picked up andtaken forcibly to a hospital for your own protection.”
He put up his hands in an I give up gesture, “Whoa, I’ve neverseen you like this, Doc. I promise I’ll do whatever you say I need to do to work through this post whatever stress thing. I can see how concerned you are and I trust your judgement, so if you need to take charge to get me through this in one piece…have at it.”
She was shocked. He wasn’t just going along because he had been backed into a corner, he was actually deferring to her judgement in thesituation. “Why, John Black you do surprise me sometimes! You are reallygiving up the control to me willingly now because you trust me to do what’s best for us all, not just because you had no choice at the moment. This is a big step forward in male/female relations and I’m proud of you, honey.” She kissed him now that just a little of the tension had eased.
He couldn’t help but smile as he said, “Well, I figure you haveto let a lady win once in awhile just to keep it interesting, you know. Besides, you know how much I like to surprise you, Doc.” Then he returnedher kiss and still couldn’t believe she would have done it..Maybe if I….No don’t try her John, just go along for the ride this time.
Chapter 14
Another Hypnosis Session
Marlena and John had decided that the Penthouse was probably the best option as a place to go for the moment because the kids had gotten settled back in there and moving them back and forth was not a good idea. The couple had originally planned to buy a new house after staying for alittle while at the loft, but the whole issue of John’s past had interferedwith their plans and they decided not to take on too many challenges andchanges at once. So, for the time being they would stay at the Penthousewith the kids and the good security system which of course John had wantedto update if possible. They had also debugged as many places as they couldfind to make things easier, but there were no illusions. Whomever was watching and monitoring John’s every move could find another way to keep tabs on him if they were so inclined. After John was discharged from the hospital and they weresafely inside and the kids down for a nap he said to Marlena, “Okay, Doc let’s get started. Can you put me under again?”
“John, you’re still recovering from a pretty bad concussion and I’m not sure this is such a good idea so soon.”
“Oh come on Doc, you said we should try to help me regain as many memories as possible so we can figure out who is threatening us.”
She reluctantly agreed and said as she nodded her head, “Allright, John sit down and relax for a minute and we can get started. You sure don’t know how to take no for an answer do you?”
“Well that must be because I didn’t have a strong parental figure to correct my mischievious behavior when I was little,” he said witha wink.
She gave him a playful punch on the arm and said, “Oh hush and sit back and relax would you?” She sat down next to him and watched ashe consciously slowed his breathing in preparation. When she could see hewas ready she began, “Okay, now John I want you to be aware of your breathing…..that’s it slow it down even further…You feel very relaxed now and you can go back in your mind to the time when you were a child. See where you lived, who raised you, your surroundings John.”
He started to tense a little as if fearful of something and she asked, “What is it? what do you see, what do you feel?”
“I’m all alone, my parents gave me away. There’s nobody to love me anymore….except….some unfamiliar relatives. I never met thembefore. They seem nice, but I’m…afraid. I want my mama back. No, don’tmake me stay here, please. I’ll be good, please let me come home, Mama!”
He was becoming agitated quickly and she made the decision to try and move him forward. “John, it’s okay now. Go forward in time untilyou feel a little better about things, can you do that?”
John nodded and seemed to concentrate intently for a moment. Then he began to speak, “I feel kind of okay now…I have a friend in my school. I live with someone…my aunt and uncle I think. They are okay I guess, not the same as Mama and Papa. I miss them so much and I’m trying to be good so maybe they will take me back someday.” He stopped for a second as if he had heard a noise in hismemories. “Church bells, I hear church bells. I go to a special church school and I try to learn from the Priests there. They know so much and they are really good too. I want to be like them and sometimes I think I would like to be one someday, but….I kinda like the girls too. My friendsays you can’t be a priest if you like girls.”
Marlena couldn’t help herself and she had to laugh to hearhim talk about this issue. It had never made sense to her that he had been a priest and he was highlighting the reason now as he remembered himself as a young boy. He stopped as if distracted by her laugh and shehad to stifle it and redirect him. “Keep going John tell me more about your life then, how old are you? what do you do for fun?”
He tried to refocus, “I….I’m ten years old now and I like baseball the very best of all. I’m going to be a major league ballplayer someday. That’s what I want to be more than anything else in thewhole wide world and my aunt says I can do anything I want if I work hardat it. She’s nice to me, but my uncle he’s…kinda rough sometimes. WhenI goof up he gets really mad at me and sometimes he…..No…don’t hit me…please don’t..” John was getting very upset and his entire demeanor changed dramatically and Marlena was alarmed about what he was rememberingnow. “It’s okay John, you are safe…you can tell me what is happening.”
Starting to talk in a very empty tone as if he wasn’t really there, he said, “He hits me sometimes…when I’m bad and othertimes he’s nice. Some nights he comes in my room and he…touches me. He says it’s okay cause we’re family. I want to believe him, but…he ssays it won’t hurt….and then sometimes it does. I try not to cry cause hesays big kids don’t cry, but I can’t help it.” After talking about it for a few minutes John doesn’t seem able to maintain that emotional distance and begins to get agitated again,
“No…don’t make me remember it..can’ttell anyone…it’s supposed to be a secret. He says it’s my fault and I wanted it cause it feels good sometimes. He confuses me and I’m afraid to tell….people will say I’m bad and he might hit me some more.” Marlena was sickened at this news and had to fight to stay in control of her emotions. She had always wondered what it could havebeen that kept the memories locked inside his mind about his childhoodso long after Stefano had manipulated his mind and memories. In the back of her psychiatrist’s mind she had suspected some type of abuse and now she knew. The truth would devastate him, but she believed he could handleit with her support. Since he was becoming agitated again, she decidedshe would bring him out and he could talk about the abuse as an adult.They could always have another session like this if he needed it to recapture more of the memories in order to face the pain and work through it.
“John, I’m going to count you out now and when I reach three you will be back in the Penthouse safe with me and you will remembereverything you have seen, felt and heard in your memories.” She counted slowly, “One, two, three…..now open your eyes, John.”
He did what she said, although he seemed to fight it, asif it were easier to stay in the past than to face the memory in thepresent. Slowly, he opened his eyes and then was silent for a long while.He finally spoke with an agonized expression, “It can’t be true, No..that was happening to someone else, not me!” He shook his head violently and said, “That couldn’t have happened to me, Doc!” Not wanting to believe it, John stood up and walked toward the balcony as if walking away from her would make the truth go away too.
She wanted to wait for him to begin to face it, but decidedto push it just a little and said, “John, those were your memories honey,you can’t lie to yourself.”
Obviously, he was upset and he clearly didn’t want to faceit yet, “No, you’re wrong, that was a false memory! Maybe..maybe, Stefanoput it there just to hurt me.” He was very anxious now and breathingrapidly while rubbing his hands over his temples as if to push the painfultruth out. “It’s just like something he would do you know. My uncle wouldnever….do that to me and…if he did I would have remembered it by now. No, I won’t believe it….you can’t make me believe it!”
“Oh John, I know this is so hard, but you have to accept the truth. Facing it is the only way you can move on from the pain of whatwas done to you. John, you know that’s true don’t you?” She wanted tomake it easier, but knew there was no way to do that, the reality had tobe confronted right this moment.
John was pacing anxiously around the room and mumbling to himself. Suddenly, he answered her angrily, “NO! I won’t! It’s not true, it’s not!” Then he stopped and looked at her, wishing desperately that shewould agree with him and when she didn’t he asked quietly, a few tears spilling out, “Is it? Oh Doc, did my own uncle..?”
Marlena remained silent, her heart breaking for him, knowing heneeded to work it out for himself. John shook his head again, still trying to deny what he knew in his heart. He cried out, “No, It can’t be…he was supposed to…love me. My parents gave me away and then myuncle…”
The fearful anxiety was reaching a crisis point, his body beginning to shake, as he asked a question for which she had no answer,”Oh, Doc, how could he do that to a little boy? He made me feel like it was my fault and it wasn’t…was it?” In bitter anguish he was admitting it, “I should have told, I should have told, but I was afraid!”
She went to him and hugged him tightly as he cried quietly and tried to accept the truth of what he had remembered and then she guided him to sit down again and said softly, “Oh, honey… I’m sorry…so sorry.”After a moment or two longer she said gently but firmly, “Now, John youneed to tell me about what you remembered so you can face it and beginto heal. I think this experience is a key to unlocking so many of your other memories. You have locked this pain away for a very long time and now that you’ve remembered it you may begin to remember most of your past.”
“I don’t know where to start, Doc. I remembered a lot just now, not just the…Well you know about my love for baseball, my friend atschool. My aunt…she loved me pretty well and she didn’t know. Then the church..I really did love the Priests and they taught me about the good things, about God. I wanted to learn and be like them, except I knew I could never be one because I did like the girls a lot. I felt kind of guilty about it, but then I decided not everybody was cut out for beinga Priest. And then I knew for sure I could never be one because of whatI did.” John started to get teary-eyed again and stopped talking.
Marlena wanted to draw him out further, “What did you doJohn? What did you do that made you know you couldn’t be a Priest?”
He looked at her with such distress, as if to ask her not to make him say it and when she was silent he finally answered, “You know,I….let him touch me and….he raped me…He said I wanted it, but I didn’t Doc! I didn’t want it at all! I tried to stop him, but he was toostrong for me and after awhile I quit fighting him! I just let him do itand I didn’t tell, so I knew I was no good for God anymore. He wouldn’t want someone….dirty like me!” John was crying again and she was gladfor it because it meant he was finally accepting the truth of the memoriesand that was the most important first step on the road to recovery.
“Oh, John I’m so sorry you had to remember all of that,but I think you can get through this and then you can make sense out ofthe jumbled up fragments you’ve been getting recently. You still wantthat don’t you?”
John was really suffering and he wished he had never asked about the hypnosis at all, “Marlena….I wanted to remember my past,but I had no idea…..there would be…something like this….Oh, why did I have to remember that? Of all the things in my life…..Oh God, Doc!”
Marlena had no answers for him and so she held him and they stayed in each others arms for a long while until he finally calmeddown enough to tell her more about the details. He knew she was right, that he couldn’t lie to himself and so he shared all the details of the abuse he’d remembered and they both cried about it and then he said he needed to be alone for awhile.
John went for a walk after assuring her he was doing okay and hewouldn’t go far. She called Abe to let him know he might get a call or a visit, but that he shouldn’t expect too much talking. She didn’t shareany specifics, but told his friend that John had remembered somethingvery upsetting and would need extra support for awhile.
When Marlena thought about John’s life history, the strangest partof it all was that in spite of what happened and how he felt about it hehad become a Priest at a later date, or at least it seemed he had. He must have begun to block the memory of the sexual abuse at a fairly youngage, but the aftereffects stayed with him. Entering the Priesthood wasan unconscious way of overcoming the guilt and shame caused by the abuse,not all that uncommon a reaction to this type of trauma. The other extreme response was sexual promiscuity and John did have a period of that behavior that she knew about and there may have been other reactions she didn’t know about in his adolescent and young adult years. Now it all made even more sense to her and she believed that this memory was the key to opening the floodgates of his mind and the memories would come at amuch faster pace now. Marlena planned to watch him very carefully from now on for that reason.
Chapter 15
A Storm Settles In
John had left the Penthouse calmly, having convinced his wife that he was doing allright after they had talked for a couple of hours. He was able to put the abuse into perspective a little better by the end of the conversation but still….
How could something like that have happened tome? How could someone who was supposed to care for me do that? Was I so bad? How did I ever think I was worthy of being a Priest? The most illogical but understandable question he had was the one that upset him the most, will Marlena still want me now?
He wandered somewhat aimlessly for awhile and then ended up at the same old places, the park and then the Pier. Abe Carver decided to head down there after receiving the call from Marlena. The phone in his office had rung several different times, but the caller had hung up each time before he could answer. Abe thought it might have been John and he was right in that assumption. John had wanted to talk to his friend, but felt so ashamed and guilty that he hung up each time and then decided maybe he should be alone with his thoughts and emotions.
Abe arrived at the Pier not too long after John did and was concerned as he descended the stairway and saw the deep sadness in his friend’s expression. He wondered what it was he had remembered that had upset him so much. Oh well, if he wants to talk about it he’ll tell me. “Hey, buddy how are you doing?”
John looked up anxiously wondering if Abe knew what he had remembered. Marlena couldn’t have told him, she wouldn’t violate his privacy…would she? “Abe, did Marlena?” Seeing the anxiety in his face he said, “It’s okay, John, she just called to tell me you had remembered something upsetting, that’s all, no details.”
He breathed a sigh of relief and looked back toward the water and was silent again. Then after a moment he said, “Abe..I …don’t know if I can talk about it. It’s so…personal.”
If he was so concerned it must be pretty rough, “That’s okay, John. How about if I just sit with you for awhile?”
He was grateful for the unquestioning support, “Sure, have a seat.” Then he went back to silent contemplation for several more minutes before asking, “Abe..if something really ugly happened in my past do you think Marlena would still want me?”
Abe was confused, John knew Marlena loved him deeply and they were married. Whatever it was that John remembered had to be very traumatic if it made him question that love. “John, you know she loves you and accepts you completely. What’s got you so shaken up?”
“Abe, you…might think differently of me if I tell you.” The guilt and shame had made him question himself and how others would feel about him; the abuse had occurred at an impressionable age and his uncle left him with such conflicting and confusing messages.
“You are one of my closest friends and you know you can trust me and in our friendship, buddy.”
He shrugged and smiled weakly and then said, “I know..it’s just.. I remembered something really awful from when I was little, Abe. My uncle..I lived with my aunt and him and he….I can’t…I’m sorry.” He stood up and walked to the end of the Pier. God, I can’t even tell my best friend. I should be able to trust him.
“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t have to tell me if it makes you feel uncomfortable, John. You tell me if and when you’re ready and I’ll be there to listen, okay?” This must be really horrible, I wonder if his uncle…No, not that.
John turned back toward him again and replied, “I know you care a lot and that means so much to me but this is….so difficult.” He let out a breath he’d held and blurted it out, “Oh, God he…..raped me Abe…more than once. My uncle abused me for a long time starting when I was about ten.” There he’d said it and felt surprisingly relieved to have gotten the words out.
Abe paused for just a moment trying to absorb it and then said, “Oh, John I’m so sorry. But, you have to know in your heart that this won’t affect the way I feel toward you and certainly that Marlena’s love won’t change because of this. You were a little boy and it wasn’t your fault at all.”
He was doing pretty well at keeping it together so far, but he started to feel so overcome with emotion again, “But….I let him…after awhile I stopped fighting it and I didn’t tell anybody. I should have told, Abe. I should have told.”
With compassion in his voice and such tenderness he put his arm around his friend and said, “John, you just said you were only a boy and he was a man. He hurt you terribly and you did what you had to do to survive it. He probably threatened you not to tell, am I right?”
He nodded and said, “Yea, I was scared people wouldn’t believe me, that they’d say I was bad. My parents had given me away when I was really young and I never could shake the idea it was because I was a bad boy. And he….hit me too and I thought he’d hit me some more if I told.”
“Buddy, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through in your life.You amaze me you know it. There has been so much pain and you just keep on fighting through it. I admire your strength you know that?”
“And how did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear rightnow, Abe? Thank you so much for listening and not judging me. It really helped. You are such a good friend to me.” He was becoming introspective again and stared out at the water again. “What else are you thinking about?”
“Oh nothing….No that’s not true. I was thinking about how long I have wanted to get all of my past back, but if I had known there would be something like this….Dammit! Why, why didn’t I just quit Abe?” He was angry and wished he could bury the memory deep in his mind again so as not to have to deal with the emotions evoked by it.
He wanted to help, but his friend had to face the truth, “John, those memories were bound to push themselves to the surface eventually. You had already started to have flashbacks and dreams of your past, right?”
John had to admit he was right. “Yea, I know it. I just wish….I just wanted a chance at being safe and happy with Doc, is that too much to ask?” he asked rhetorically. “No, it isn’t at all. You and Marlena have suffered enough for a dozen lifetimes. You deserve some genuine happiness and I have to believe you will get it sometime soon.” He shook his head slightly and responded, “Sometimes I have to wonder if we’ll ever have more than stolen moments, Abe.”
Abe wanted to end the conversation on a positive note so he patted his friend on the back and said encouragingly, “Hang in there, John. You and Marlena will get through this tough time together and then you will have a chance at some peace and safety. We have to have faith and trust that it will happen someday.”
It did help to have a friend who would listen and try to boost his spirits this way, “Thanks partner. You’re right, we will get through it like we always do by sticking together. See you later and thanks again for listening.”
“Any time John. Call me anytime, day or night if you need to talk some more.” Marlena waited patiently, but couldn’t help but be concerned about the man she loved. He was already struggling with the increasingly intrusive dreams and flashbacks, the threats of harm and now this very painful memory. He’s very strong Marlena, he’ll be okay but still….
As she contemplated how he might be feeling and what he might do he came home to her looking quite exhausted emotionally and seemed to need a hug. She didn’t say anything as she approached him and gave him a big squeeze. He melted into it and said as he felt her tremble a little, “Hey, Doc. I’m sorry if I worried you, I just needed some time. I saw Abe down at the Pier. Thanks for calling him, it helped talking to him.” “Good, so how are you doing now?”
“I’m okay.” He walked away from her as he said it and faced out toward the balcony. “Oh,…no I’m not. I can’t think of anything else, Doc. Every time I close my eyes I see his face, I feel his body on top of me, his hands all over, the smell of his breath. I’m so..ashamed of it, so guilty. When will it stop Marlena?”
“Oh, John honey it’s going to take some time. Do you want to talk some more?”
His demeanor changed rapidly and he raised his voice, “NO! Marlena, I want to forget about it, that’s what I want! Can’t you make me forget like you made me remember? Dammit!! Why did I have to ask you about hypnosis again? Why did I have to remember what he did to me?” He continued through clenched teeth, “I’m so….angry. I wish he were here, I’d….” He smashed the heel of his right hand forcefully against the door frame, not even taking notice of the pain in his hand afterward.
Then there was silence for a few minutes and his mood changed again as anger turned to sadness. He broke down again, “Oh Doc, I still can’t believe it. What’s wrong with me? My parents gave me away, then my uncle hurt me..Stefano…losing you…Izzy B….Kristen’s lies. Am I just meant to suffer, was I so bad? This is so…overwhelming…I don’t know what to do, Marlena.”
She approached him and tipped his chin up so that his eyes met hers and said softly but firmly, “John, what happened to you was not your fault. You are a good person and you did nothing to deserve being treated that way. I’m sorry you had to remember it, especially now withall the other memories, but there’s no going back. You will get through this pain, we will get through it together just like we do with everything else, okay?”
He nodded and wiped the remaining tears from his face and then said, “Thanks Marlena. I love you so much and I’ve never been more thankful that you love me, though I wonder why sometimes.”
“Well, just because I do.”
The couple curled up together on the couch in comfortable silence until they both fell asleep in each other’s arms. They both knew that they would continue to weather any storm, including the ugly truth that John had discovered, as long as they stayed together and kept on being open and honest.
The next few weeks were very difficult around the Black household. John was often sullen and withdrawn and then alternately became angry and agitated. He was working hard to accept the reality of the memoriesof abuse and overcome the powerful emotions evoked by them. It was quite a struggle for him and there were times when Marlena was very worried and had to have the children stay with the Brady’s so they weren’t exposed to the intensity of his reactions. John was unpredictable andmoody and sometimes the slightest touch or other reminder would sendhim off into a tailspin. But, gradually he seemed to be coming out of the roughest period and gain some control over the powerful emotions he was feeling.
The complicating factor was that the other memories from John’s past were still trying to push themselves to the surface as well and itwas overwhelming to him at times. Sleeping was becoming very difficult as the newly recovered memories of abuse mixed with the scattered fragmentsof memory from his adult past. He continued to awaken frequently in the night, sweating, breathing hard and trembling from the confusing and unexplainable images that flashed rapid-fire in his dreams. It was gettingto the point that John didn’t even want to attempt sleep and he was becoming exhausted because of it which only made the quickly shifting moods even more difficult to manage. He had taken to sleeping on the couch so as not to disturb Marlena. One morning she awakened to find him staring out the living room window with that familiar somewhat absent but wounded expression on his face.
She decided to try it again even though he would probably turn her down like he had on several other occasions, “John, we have to do something about this situation. You hardly sleep any more and it’s killing you. Will you please let me prescribe something for you, at least to help you sleep, just for a little while to get you through this tough period?”
“No, I’ve had more than enough drugs in my life from people trying to mess with my head, No!”
“John, please honey, your body can’t handle this much longer. You need rest John or you’re going to end up in the hospital.”
He decided to quit fighting her on the issue, “Allright, Doc get me something to help me sleep. I’ll admit it, I’m so…..tired. I wish Icould have just one night without those damm dreams, just one night.”He went over to the couch, put his head in his hands and with a sense of emptiness and immense weariness in his voice he told her the honest truth. “Doc, I…..don’t think I can take much more of this. I feel myself slipping away, losing control. It feels like there is no….present for me anymore, only a mixed up bunch of dreams and memory flashbacks flooding into my mind and it’s overwhelming. Please help me with it Marlena. I can’t hold it together much longer.”
She sat down next to him and held him tightly and said, “John, I know it feels like it’s never going to get better, but it will I promise you. I’ll do all I can to help you and getting some rest is an important part of the process. I’m going to call in a prescription right now, will you be okay?”
“Sure Marlena, thanks.” He laid his head down for a moment to wait for her and fell asleep almost instantly.
When she returned from calling the pharmacy she saw him sprawled out and smiled. “Finally.” She gently placed his legs back up on the couch and placed a blanket over him then sat by his side for awhile to watch him sleep. Marlena prayed for him, “Lord, please help him through this difficult time, give him strength and courage to keepgoing even when he feels like giving in to despair. I love him so much.Please show me what I can do to alleviate some of his suffering.”
Chapter 16
Someone Who Understands
Marlena was still quite concerned about John’s emotional state several weeks after the hypnosis session that had resulted in the recoveredmemories of sexual abuse and she had been trying to reach Kimberly Brady almost since that same day. She had difficulty connecting with her as Kimberly had been involved in planning and orchestrating some very important conferences in recent weeks in the city of Los Angeles. Finally she was able to reach her and Kimberly readily agreed to come see John assoon as she could extricate herself from her extensive responsibilities. She had been instantly concerned about him and was going to talk to him on the phone, but decided she should surprise him and let him tell her what he wanted to about his memories. Marlena had mentioned that Kimberly had suffered abuse and he remembered that and said he might like to talk to her sometime, but that was far as it went. John had been uncommunicative about his memories with everyone except Marlena and hadn’t really gone out of the Penthouse much after that first day when he met up with Abe at the Pier.
On a day when he was lost in a sullen withdrawn mood, Marlena was pleased to get a call from Kim who was just arriving in Salem and planned to come straight to see John. Soon the doorbell chimed and when he saw who it was he was so…pleased to see her he pulled her into an intense embrace and she knew exactly how he felt. “Oh Kimmy, it’s so…good to see you. I think I really need you now more than ever sis.” He hugged her this way because he felt she was the only one who could really understandwhat he was going through since she had been sexually abused herself. He didn’t care that Marlena had obviously told Kim what had happened because he knew she was motivated by love.
“I know, John and I’ll be here for you as long as you need me big brother. I’m so sorry about what you remembered, but you’ll get through it I promise you that much.”
He didn’t say anything further for the moment as he just allowed himself to melt into her embrace and feel her love, support and under-standing. Then he said, “Thank you so much for coming Kimmy.” They spent some time engaging in small talk to get reaquainted. When he could no longer avoid discussing the reason for her visit he began to tentatively talk with her about what he had remembered. In spite of his best efforts he started to let the tears flow that he had held off for weeks now since that first day.
“Oh Kimmy, I was just a child, I didn’t do anything to deserve it did I?” He sobbed openly and let her hold him as the emotions flowed through him powerfully again.
Kim remembered the tendency to blame herself quite well and after holding him until he calmed down enough to hear her she answered him firmly but tenderly, “No, John you didn’t do anything to deserve the abuse. The adult who hurt you was totally responsible. You have to know that in your heart.” Marlena had disappeared upstairs so they could talk undisturbed. It already made her feel so much better to have Kim here with them. She knew John would get all the support and understanding he needed from someone who had been through it before.
He had been struggling with that and he said, “I’ve been trying to tell myself that, but sometimes I just can’t shake the guilt and shame and then I question whether I did anything that made him think it was okay to do it. He told me I wanted it and that people would say I was bad if I told.”
Oh this was so familiar, “I know John. I went through the same exact thought process and emotions. Abusers do that to absolve themselves of the responsibility and they can somehow justify their actions. It’s a sick twisted outlook on the world that allows them to hurt people for their own satisfaction.”
Kim and John spent the day together, sometimes talking about what it was like to be abused and sometimes just catching up on their lives in general. He was so grateful to have her there and was more than a little surprised that he was able to talk so openly with her about the memories of his experience and the emotions it brought out in him. This was one of the times he was most overtly emotional yet it was probably the best day he had seen since he recovered the memory. He felt completely understood for the first time since that day and he believed he was going to begin to heal now. He was hopeful that he would one day turn the corner and leave the gutwrenching pain behind him though he knew he would always carry something of it with him. He knew that from talking extensively with Kim who had healed and went on to work in the field helping others who suffered from the experience as well.
“Kim, how long did it take before you felt like you had some control over the emotions and stopped feeling the guilt and shame?”
“John, that is not something you can put a time-limit on. Every person handles their recovery differently, but I can tell you it was a long process for me. It will probably be different for you and I know your tendency is to want to wrap it up in some tight little package and put it away and I’ll tell you right now that won’t happen. This is something that happens in stages and you might feel like you’re getting past it and then something triggers a memory and a new wave rushes over you again. If you expect that it won’t throw you so much.”
He gave her a facial expression that told her that was definitelynot the answer he wanted, “Oh, Kimber I’m don’t think I’m going to do so well with this. I want to do what you just said. I want to say, okay you felt really bad for a few weeks, now it’s time to move on and forget about it. But it really doesn’t work that way does it?”
She shook her head, “No, it doesn’t John and if you push yourself to make it happen you’ll suffer for it later. It takes time, support, and the opportunity to express yourself. You can’t put limits on it or rush it, John. It takes a lot of time and you have to be patient with yourself through it.”
He laughed a little and said, “Great, patience…we all know that’s my strong suit don’t we?”
Kim put her arm around him again and said, “Well, maybe that is something good that can come out of all the pain. You might have the chance to grow a little and develop some patience.”
He wasn’t able to laugh again, “You actually expect me to try and find something positive about all of this? I’m sorry, but I just can’t do that. I am so damm angry, Kim and I have to admit if the man were here now I think I could…..do some damage so to speak.”
She understood the feeling and she knew him well, “Oh, John I know how you’re feeling, but would that really solve anything? Do you think it would take away the pain you’re feeling if you hurt the man?”
He stood up to stretch his legs and was a little uncomfortable letting her see his anger flare as it had always scared the women in his life, “No, but at least he wouldn’t have gotten away with it and he would have to suffer a little. That’s what always burned me up about Dimera, he could hurt so many people and he always managed to get away with it until I finally killed him in self-defense. Kim, I’m not ashamed to say it felt…satisfying to finally see him die. I didn’t feel guilty about it at all.”
John was quiet again for awhile and then he had another question for her, “I have had a problem with going out of the Penthouse because I feel like people will know, that they’ll look at me and know. Did you feel like that and how long was it before you started to get past that fear?”
He was going through every single aspect of a typical reaction to a newly recovered memory of abuse, “Yes, I did feel like that and I just had to prove myself wrong. Of course when I looked at it objectively there was no basis for the feeling in reality. People just won’t have any idea unless you tell them any more than you know intimate details of their lives. They won’t see you any differently than they did before you regained the memories, John. So when you feel couped up one day, just force yourself to go out for a little while and prove your feelings wrong.”
“You make my concern seem so silly when you put it that way. I should have realized that in the first place. Man, this is all so confusing. I wish I had your training to deal with it. Can I call you when I get stuck?”
Kim wanted to reassure him of her availability, “John, I love you very much and I will be there for you whenever you need me. I can hop on a plane and come out here if it gets rough and you need me. Nothing is more important than my friends and family and you are both to me. Please don’t forget that.”
It felt so good to have her support and understanding, “Thanks, Kim that means so much more than you know. Just knowing you’re there if I need you will get me through some of the rough waters ahead.”
He had been thinking about so many things, “Okay how about telling your friends and family about what happened? I have only told you, Marlena and Abe. How did you decide who to tell and what to say to them? Marlena has been running interference for me for weeks now and people are asking what’s going on with me. I’m…not sure about how to handle it and even the kids know I’ve been very upset lately and they’ve had to go spend time with Mom and Pop when I’ve had a really rough time of it.”
“It’s a lot to manage isn’t it? Again, John there aren’t any rules to follow, you have to do what seems right to you, what makes you more comfortable. I do think you should tell Mom and Pop, though. They were really good with me and they love you as their own son, John.”
“Oh…will that be hard to do. They think of me as being so strong, but I guess they have to know something serious is going on with the kids going over there and Marlena upset each time. I’m not sure how to tell them. And what do we say to the kids? I don’t want them to worry about me or be afraid of me because of my shifting and sometimes intense moods. I want them to feel safe and loved and secure here even during this time.”
This was a tricky proposition, “As far as the kids are concerned, why don’t you talk to Marlena about this because she is really good about handling this sort of situation and they are her kids too. I’m sure the two of you will think of something they can understand that will help them feel safe and secure and yet allow them to support you in their way. Being helpful to you during a hard time will make them feel good about themselves and help them develop empathy. And about Mom and Pop, you’re sounding again like you think if you had just been stronger it wouldn’t have happened to you. John, you were a child like I was and you couldn’t have done anything to stop him from hurting you. Mom and Pop will understand that too.”
“You have such a good handle on all this, I sure am glad you could come see me, Kimberly. You have helped me so much I can’t say thank you enough.”
She hugged him again as she said, “The only thanks I want is to see you happy and smiling again, having moved past this pain I see in your whole body, big brother. I hate seeing you suffer so much, you’ve already been through so many difficult times in your life. You and Marlena deserve some peace and happiness.”
“Well, maybe once I get past this and the other memories from my past we will have that chance. I’m trying to believe it will happen some day. We didn’t even get to enjoy being newlyweds before the memory flashbacks started.”
“I’m so sorry about it all and I wish there was something I could really do to make it easier for you both.” They sat quietly for a few more minutes and Kim thought of one more issue she wanted to cover, “John, I have one more idea to help you heal from this painful experience, but it’s not something you will feel is easy for you. I think you should find a support group for men who have been abused like you. It will help you make sense out of your feelings and realize that you’re not alone, that this is something that happens to boys and men, not just girls and women.”
He shook his head, “Uh..I don’t think so, Kimmy. You know that isn’t really my style, but I might go once to humor you and Marlena. She’s been after me to do the same thing because she says I need to have a place to go and be with people where I can be totally understood sometimes. So for you, Marlena and myself I’ll go once and if I like it and can handle it I’ll go again, okay?”
She smiled at him and said, “Sounds like a good deal to me. John you will get through this and the pain will fade in time. I sure am glad you finally got married to Marlena and that you have her to love and support you through this.”
He sighed and agreed, “Oh, so am I Kimmy. I would have…well, let’s just say I might not even be alive and sitting here talking with you about this if it weren’t for her. She keeps me sane and feeling some hope through all the madness that surrounds me. I love her so deeply and I can only imagine what a wreck I’d be without her.”
Marlena picked that moment to descend the staircase and she said, “And I can’t imagine living without you, John. I love you just as much, but you don’t give yourself enough credit and you never have. You have such strength and courage and you have made it through some very hard times in ways that amaze me, John.”
“Thanks, Doc and thank you so much for calling Kim to come see me.” He looked at his *sister* and grasped her hand as he said, “She has helped tremendously.” Then the three of them embraced and the love and support was wonderful and John could feel the healing begin in his mind and body. He knew that with these two people and others who loved him unconditionally he would get through probably the roughest periodof his strange and difficult journey.
Chapter 17
Resistance to Healing
Marlena felt she had to make one more attempt to convince her husband that he should take advantage of the opportunities available to help him heal from his experience. He needed to continue to work through the confusing and powerful emotions evoked by the memories he had recovered several difficult weeks ago now. She had just asked him about one such opportunity and she waited for his answer as she stood still wearing her robe and leaned against the doorframe of the bedroom.
He walked away from her to go to the dresser to get out some clothes with a hint of frustration and anger in his voice as he said, “No, Marlena I’m not going again. I just want to stop talking about it okay?”
She followed a step or two behind, “John, you won’t ever truly heal from this if you don’t do the things you know will help you. I really think you should go again.”
He was busy putting on his sweat pants, sweatshirt, and running shoes as he replied, “No! It just seems like a bunch of guys sitting around feeling sorry for themselves and I’m not into that. It’s been long enough and I’m just going to forget about it and put it away in my mind again.”
“Oh, John you know you can’t do that. Didn’t you talk about thatwith Kim when she was here, honey?”
As he finished dressing he looked directly at her to make his point, “Yes I can, you just watch me! Doc, listen I’m tired of all our friends and family looking at me with that…*poor John* expression on their faces and I hate how everybody stops talking when I come into a room like they think I’m gonna break into a million pieces if they say the wrong thing. It happened a long time ago and it has nothing to do with my life now so I’m just going to move on. Please Marlena don’t bring this up again.” He started down the stairs, headed toward the door and called back to her, “I’m going out for my run, I’ll see you later.”
After he left she sat down on the bed and said to herself, “Oh, John. You are so wrong about this. What you’re trying to do won’t work, but I guess you’re going to have to find out the hard way like you seem to do about so many things.” She was reminded about a recent encounter with Brady which had been quite similar in nature. Well, like father, like son she thought.
Marlena picked up the phone to call Kimberly again. She had spent more time talking to Kim than John had about his memories. He had been dealing with the emotions fairly openly for a short period of time after Kim went back to California, but then resumed his former more withdrawn and brooding manner of coping. He was now quite resistant to any attempts made to help him express his feelings.
“Oh, Kim he’s trying to block out the memories again. He won’t see a therapist, he won’t even talk with me about it anymore and he refuses completely to go to the group again. He says he’s tired of people feeling sorry for him and he thinks he can just forget it.” Shaking her head but not at all surprised Kim said, “Marlena, I tried to warn him away from that because I knew it’s just what he would try to do after a few weeks. I told him it wouldn’t work and he’d sufferfor it later and I thought he heard me.”
“I’ve tried to tell him the same thing, but he won’t listen to me.”
“Well, we’ve both tried, Marlena. I think he’s going to have to learn it on his own, as painful as that might be for him. You can’t shield him from his own bad decisions.” She sighed and agreed reluctantly, “I know it Kim, but it’s just so hard to sit back knowing he’s going to fail and be so hurt when he does. I had the same exact problem when the flashbacks started, he tried to deal with the whole thing on his own, to protect us he said. Then he had the accident because of a flashback and I essentially forced him to agree to stay with me in spite of the threats to us, by threatening to hospitalize him. He was so mad he could have spit nails at me, but he agreed.”
“Sounds like some things about my big brother haven’t changed a bit. He’s as stubborn and bull-headed as ever.”
“Yes he is and it still makes me crazy, but I love him so much. What’s a woman to do? When he flashes that grin and looks at me with those baby blues I still melt Kim.” She chuckled in response,
“Well, he always did seem to know just when to crack a joke and give that sweet smile. I was always putty in his hands when he asked me for something with that pleading expression of his. Hang in there Marlena, he’ll get through it one way or another. Do you want me to come back? I can free myself up pretty quickly because I set my schedule for that very purpose.”
“No, I think I just needed to talk with you about it all. I’ll call you if something happens and I think he really needs you. Thanks a lot for helping us.”
“Hey, stop that, you know that no thanks are necessary. You and John are family to me and I will always be there when you need me, whatever the reason, just like you’ve been there for me.”
Several hours later John still wasn’t back from his run yet and Marlena began to worry just a little as he still hadn’t spent more than a few hours at a time away from the Penthouse. She thought about calling a few people and as she walked toward the phone it rang, startling her. It was John’s good friend. “Marlena, hi it’s Abe.”
He hesitated before speaking further and she asked about it immediately, “Abe what’s wrong, is it John?”
“Yes, he’s with me and Lexie here at the house. We were over at the park late this morning and we…Oh Marlena…apparently John had been running and he had some kind of a flashback and was sitting on the ground mumbling to himself near some bushes when a little girl ran past him to find her ball. She was surprised to see him and he was startled. She screamed, then he screamed and the girls’ parents called the police. Since Lexie and I were there we went over to see what all the commotionwas about and found him standing there looking a little confused by all the attention. We decided to take him home with us. Marlena, he’s really embarassed about it. He tried to hide how upset he was, but then when we got him to our place, he….started crying and he said he thought you’d be disappointed in him. He didn’t want us to call you at all, but we told him we had to for his sake. He’s really taking this hard.”
She started to cry for him as well, “Oh, Abe. He’s having such a difficult time of it.
I just wish there was something we could really do to make it easier for him right now.” “Me too, Marlena. I think he just needs a break from all of this pressure. Maybe you should take a vacation or something; you know maybe a change of scenery will help him relax a little.”
“Good idea, Abe. I think we might just do that. I’ll be over in a few minutes to get him. Thanks for helping him with this, you’ve been a good friend to both of us through all of this madness.”
“I will always be here for you both. I love you very much Marlena.”
Several Hundred Miles Away In Langley, Virginia
Jack Henderson sat with the two doctors Markey and Smith and in his office at the CIA reviewing the latest batch of surveillance tapes of John Black, both audio and video. He said to them, “This guy is a wreck.
He’ll never pose a threat to us. Look at him he’s having numerous flashbacks and he clearly hasn’t put any of it together and then he remembers the abuse. He’s so messed up I don’t think he’ll ever get it together completely.”
The psychiatrist tended to agree, “It certainly seems that way at the moment doesn’t it? He seems to be feeling so out of control that he can’t focus on the content of the memories at all right now. What do you think Dr. Markey?”
“Well, from what we see here I have to agree completely. I’d say he has no idea what any of the flashbacks mean or how they fit together and this newest recollection has thrown him off completely. He’s no threat to you right now and he may never be.” “Thank you doctors for your assistance and for confirming my conclusions. Whew, we can breathe a little easier for awhile.”
After the physicians left the office he called the others in the group, “We don’t even really need to threaten him with harm to his family, but I do think we should keep up the pressure a little so he knows we’re still watching him. It might be just enough to keep him in this current confused and overwhelmed state of mind. Even though his wife coerced him into staying with her and working on his past he’s no closer to figuring it out then he was a couple of months ago.”
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Marlena had gotten John home and he was only slightly calmer once they talked for awhile about what had happened at the park. Even though he knew there wasn’t anything to apologize for he kept saying he was sorry like he had let Marlena down. The incident had really upset and embarassed him. This was the first time he had come out of a flashback when he was aware there were people staring at him as if he were a crazy person and it was very hard for him not to feel that way too. “Oh, Doc I feel so ashamed of myself. Why can’t I have some control over this? I’m so embarassed about what happened at the park. Those people…they all looked at me like I was crazy, Doc. Am I? Am I going crazy?”
She felt so bad for him but she had to get through to him so she put an arm over his shoulder as they sat down and answered, “Oh honey, no, you’re not going crazy, but you are having some serious problems because of all of these memories that are pushing their way to the surface and this most recent memory from your childhood. It’s more than you can handle by yourself right now and you need to let people help you with it.”
He seemed so sad and slightly distant as he said, “I know…but you can’t give me the kind of help I want and the fact is nobody can, Doc.”
“What kind of help do you want, John?” She had an idea where this was headed, but was curious to see what he would say.
John looked at her with one of the most sad and hopeless expressions she had ever seen and he said, “I want someone to make these memories go away…..I want it to STOP! But, you can’t do that, can you? Kim can’t do that, even God can’t do that, NOBODY CAN!” Despitehis best efforts he started to lose control of his emotions again and just sat with his head in hands, crying softly.
He was quiet and waiting for her to say something and she just shook her head and whispered as she held him close, “No, I’m sorry, John nobody can do that for you. I wish I could baby.” It broke her heart to see him feeling this way.
After calming down he apologized, “I’m sorry I argued with you again earlier. I’m just so…..tired of needing help. I want to be the strong one and take care of you, Marlena. I hate this…being so out of control and vulnerable! It’s so…difficult for me to admit I can’t handle it alone.”
Just then the phone rang and interrupted their conversation. Marlena picked it up, “Hello.” She listened and there was a brief pause and the man said, “I need to speak with John Black please.”
“Well, he’s unavailable at the moment,” she said as he was pretty wiped out from what had happened earlier. The man was insistent, “This is very important and I think he would want to talk with me, please.”
“Who is this?” She was upset as the caller had not idenitified himself yet and she knew it must be one of the people who had been threatening John to keep him from telling her about his dreams and flashbacks.
“Tell him it’s an old friend who has some very important information to share with him, he’ll understand.”
She knew John would be angry if she didn’t let him talk with the man so she handed John the phone. “Hello, yes I remember…no please..I don’t know anything…what do you want from me?”
John was getting very upset about whatever the man had said to him.
On the other end of the phone the caller was smiling wickedly. This man was no threat in his state of mind, but let’s just make sure. “Don’t forget for a second that you are being watched Black and if we are the least bit concerned about what you tell your lovely wife there, we won’t hesitate to take action. Oh, by the way we were so sorry to hear about that painful memory you had from your childhood, tough break isn’t it? Do have a good day won’t you?” The man hung up before John could recover enough to respond.
John was visibly shaken by what the caller had said, but he didn’t tell her anything as he hung up the phone. He just sat there with a stricken expression. He felt completely trapped. He couldn’t tell Marlena much more about his memories because of whoever it was that didn’t want him to put his past together, but if he didn’t he would continue to be a total wreck emotionally. That was what the caller wanted. What am I going to do now? “John, tell me what he said to you.”
“I can’t. He threatened us again, Marlena. I can’t tell you anything any more or they might try to take you away or hurt you and the kids.” He was in such anguish about his whole situation, “I’m so dangerous to you right now, but I need you more than I ever have. What are we going to do Doc?”
She smiled and answered with something she knew would catch him totally off guard, “We’re going to take a vacation, that’s what!”
He looked at her like she was the one who was crazy, “A vacation? You’ve got to be kidding me, we can’t possibly go on a vacation now with all this going on!” He couldn’t keep himself from laughing at the idea, it seemed so utterly out of sync with the distress he had been feeling. That was what she had intended.
“John, with all the stress you’re under we need one more than ever. I think we should go away for awhile, somewhere peaceful and relaxing. Just you and me and the kids and our little entourage of security people. Come on, you know you need a break from all of this.Be spontaneous!”
“But, Doc…” In spite of the conflicting emotions that raged within, he found himself smiling in response to her enthusiasm.
She kissed him playfully and said, “We might even have some special romantic nights if you’re interested. You know, a little candle-light romance under the stars near the ocean, maybe. Come on, just say yes. I am the doctor, am I not?”
He was still slightly incredulous, but he had no better idea so he answered her, “Yes you are. Okay, let’s take a vacation. It certainly can’t hurt and at this point I’m open to just about anything that will help. So, where do you want to go Marlena?”
“Well, what about one of the islands in the Bahamas or somewhere in the Virgin Islands? It would be such a relaxing place to be and you know how much the kids like the beach.”
He smiled lovingly at her and said, “Thanks for thinking of this, Marlena. I’m starting to think you’re right. This might be just what we all need to relieve some of this tension we’ve had around here since the flashbacks and dreams started. I sure am sorry we didn’t get to enjoy being newlyweds, Doc. I feel like I’ve robbed us of that time.” He leaned in to kiss her in return and she responded briefly before replying to his last comment.
“John, do I have to hit you over the head to get you to stop blaming yourself for things you can’t control? It simply isn’t your fault and I love you now more than ever. We will take a wonderful vacation and pretend we just got married when we are alone together at night okay?”
“Allright, I will stop saying it to you, but I can’t help feeling that way sometimes. It seems like we have these brief periods of happiness and something from my past comes back to haunt us, Doc. I swear when this is over that will be the end of it.”
“Okay, but for now let’s just plan a fun trip for us and the kids and then go surprise them with it!”
“Sounds like a deal to me. I can hardly believe it, but I’m actually getting a little bit excited about the idea now. Maybe I can try my hand at deep-sea fishing while we’re there and snorkling too. This is gonna be fun, Marlena! You know I’ve always wanted to…..”
Marlena sat back on the couch and listened to him tell her some of the activities he had wanted to do in an island setting as heshowed her some brochures he had collected when planning their honeymoon. It brought a broad smile to her face as she saw a glimpse of the fun-loving man she married a few months ago. It was good to see even a little of the sparkle return to his sad eyes. There had been so much pain there for more than three months now and she prayed for their trip that he would have a chance to enjoy himself and let a little of that pain fade away with the warm and gentle ocean breezes.
Chapter 18
A Not-So-Pleasant First Day
Marlena Evans glanced over at the three people she loved most in all the world and they were still sleeping peacefully. Belle was in John’s arms and Brady was sprawled over his and Marlena’s laps. John’s airplane seat was in the reclined position and he was completely out, a sweet dreamy smile gracing his face. Oh, John how I wish I could keep that smile there once you wake up. There had been such pain in his eyes and tension in the muscles of his body for months now and she wanted so much to help him. The memories were rushing to the surface now and it left him feeling out of control and so vulnerable which was quite disconcerting to him. This vacation was an attempt to relieve some of the pressure he was under from that onslaught of memories. Hopefully the change of scenery would give him the break he needed to handle it all again. She sent up a quick prayer, “Please God, give us all some rest, some laughter and close time as a family on this trip. And especially please help John who has been struggling so hard with the memories from his past, give him some time to relax and enjoy himself.”
Soon it was time for the plane to land and she gently woke up her family to prepare them for landing. John was reluctant to awaken as this was one of the few times he had some relief from all the pain he felt. Waking up was difficult as the memories of abuse and the reality of the struggle with his past always washed over him powerfully as soon as he came to full awareness. “Hi, Doc I guess I was pretty wiped out huh?” He smiled as he looked down at Belle and Brady who were beginning to stir,but still had those angelic sleeping smiles as well. “They sure are sweet looking when they sleep aren’t they honey?”
“Yes they are and so are you, John. I have been sitting here and thanking God for this wonderful family we have and watching you sleep. You were so peaceful I hated to wake you up. I hope you can get lots of rest and relaxation on this trip John, you deserve it.”
“Thanks Marlena. I’m so glad you took Abe’s suggestion and helped convince me to do this, I’m beginning to think it is exactly what I need to rejuvinate me for this whole thing with my past. I love you so much, Doc.” He leaned over to her and caressed the soft skin of her cheek and then kissed her tenderly and then was interrupted by the sound of some soft giggles. The kids were both awake and watching.
“Daddy’s kissing Mommy again,” said Belle with delight.
“Yep, we’re going on vacation and I bet they’re going to do lots of that cause vacations are happy times,” said Brady.
John was feeling quite enthusiastic about being with his family for a fun time, “Oh, we sure are slugger! We are all going to have the best time here on the island. We’ll play ball on the beach, look for sea shells and build sandcastles, all that fun stuff!”
“Yeah! I wuv the beach!!” said Belle with glee.
Marlena added, “So do I and I bet we will have the most wonderful vacation together here. I can hardly wait to get started on my suntan and all those fun things Daddy mentioned!” She winked at John whose mind instantly turned to thoughts of his lovely wife in a skimpy bathing suit. She had sensed his thoughts correctly and he gave her a slightly hidden leering gaze and they both smiled as they sat up and helped the kids get buckled in for the landing.
Then John couldn’t help himself and he whispered in her ear, “I can’t wait for Mommy to show me the parts that don’t get suntanned.” Then he nibbled on her ear a little. Marlena responded with a quiet moan of desire and said, “John, you are incorrigible, you know that?”
John nodded and said, “Yep.”
A short time later they were getting settled into the hotel room and the kids were practically bouncing off the walls as Marlena freshenedup in the bathroom. John had laid down on the bed for just a moment as he began to feel relaxed just being away from Salem. In spite of the noise the kids were making he went right out and fell deeply alseep again. He had not slept well in months and definitely needed the rest so Marlena hushed the kids when she saw him there and then wrote him a note. She went out with Belle and Brady to the beach to play while he slept.
John’s sleep was peaceful at first and his body responded with total relaxation and his mind opened itself to dreams as he needed to make sense of all the conflicting images and emotions he had been experiencing. He went to a place he had not visited in a very long while, his times with Stefano, and there were new images associated with the recollection. He was in the dungeon once again and he remembered being interrogated about something, but what was it? Stefano got rougher with him each time John refused to answer a question and more drugs flooded his already overwhelmed blood stream and nervous system. He felt his mind turn to emptiness and he was compelled to answer, but if he did so many others lives were at stake, Why? “NO! I can’t tell you. Kill me if you want to, I’ll never tell you!!” Stefano was enraged and ordered his people to beat the prisoner and they did so unmercifully, but the man still didn’t give him the answers he wanted.
The incident was what finally convinced Stefano to brainwash John into believing he was someone else entirely and use him in a scheme for revenge and to gain a treasure. John actually felt the pain in his entire body from what had been done to him so long ago and he struggled to remember what it was he didn’t yield to the evil Bastard who brought him incompre-hensible suffering. He called out in his sleep quite loudly just as the maid came to his door to see if the family had everything they needed, “NO! Please, I can’t take anymore! Oh, God help me! No, I won’t tell you, no matter what you do to me I won’t tell you!” AWWW!! John was literally in that dungeon again as he called out and his mind fought for the memory even as it tried to distinguish past from present, dream from reality and he was lost there for a long period of time.
The maid heard him screaming and immediately went for help as she thought someone was in trouble. She almost knocked Marlena and the children down as she raced for the elevator. The maid asked them what room they were headed for on instinct and when Marlena said the number of the room she had just been to, she took them back as she explained what she had heard.
Marlena opened the door to see John still lying on the bed thrashing wildly as if writhing in pain and trying to evade something. He was clearly lost in a flashback or dream. She spoke to the maid asking her if she could watch the children in the hallway while she helped John, explaining that he had suffered a recent upsetting experience and still had nightmares. This was enough for the maid who readily agreed.Marlena went to the bed and spoke in very soft tones which seemed to get John’s attention slightly, but he was still asleep she thought. She began to shake him lightly and he recoiled fiercely as if she had struck him and called out, “No, please don’t hit me anymore..I’ll…tell you. Oh….I can’t tell, can’t tell..God help me!”
“John, it’s Marlena. You are safe, nobody is trying to hurt you. You’re having another flashback and you can come out of it now if you’re ready. His mind fought for his memory and felt the pain he was suffering and yet he heard the soothing, reassuring voice telling him he was safe. The struggle to distinguish past and present was growing more difficult of late and he cried out in frustration about it, “Help me Doc! I don’t know what’s real anymore! Help me!”
It was so strange because he was now in a partially awakened state and Marlena shook him lightly and spoke to him again. “John, wake up honey and we can talk about what you remembered, it’s okay now. You are safe and you don’t have to feel afraid of pain, wake up John.”
He stopped moving completely and his eyes flickered and then opened. John was totally silent as he slowly sat up in bed and struggled to recapture the memory while working toward full awareness of his current environment. He didn’t speak for a long time and Marlena stayed quiet as well wanting to let him determine the direction of the conver-sation. Finally he said something, “Doc, what just happened…I…was..lost in the past. Woah, I couldn’t pull myself into the present and it felt like I was really back there…..with Stefano. He wanted me to tell him something and I couldn’t because other people’s lives were at stake.Why? What was I really doing when he took me..I thought I was a Priest, but then how could so many other people be involved with it?” He sat there thinking, wondering and was quiet for a few minutes.
Marlena said, “John, there are so many unanswered questions about all that and your mind is struggling to find them. That had to be pretty frightening for you, but I think you were just dreaming and you had a hard time waking up. Don’t make more of it than it was, okay. Tell me more about it and maybe we can begin to get those answers.” John had already gone back to the dungeon in his mind’s eye,
“Oh, Doc…he was so…vicious, so cruel.” John shook his head and had to catch his breath and force himself to keep his emotions under control as he recounted what he’d remembered. “I was drugged and he had his people beating me and he just stood there laughing at me while I was in unbelievable pain. I tried so..hard to stop myself from crying.” John’s voice was barely above a whisper as he told her openly, “I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me do that, but I couldn’t hold back the tears and I started sobbing involuntarily and he…revelled in it. I never remembered that particular incident until just now. Oh, Marlena…I am so glad that Bastard is dead.” John’s breathing was finally slowing down to normal again.
Marlena was sickened by what he had told her and shuddered visibly as she had an image of John in pain at Maison Blanche when she had seen the results of Stefano’s cruelty. Then she said as she hugged him, “Oh, John I am so…sorry for everything that he did to you..it must have been….horrible. Sometimes I’m amazed by your strength and will to survive. He was so…evil and I have to admit that I’ve never been glad to see someone die, but his death I….celebrated.”
ohn was regaining his composure and he said, “As hard as it is to revisit those memories, I want to remember what he wanted from me and why there were others I was trying to protect. Can you help me Doc? I know it’s risky for me right now, but I feel like this memory is really crucial for me. Can you put me under again?”
She was completely certain it was not a good idea and she told him so very firmly, “NO! absolutely not, John! You have been under incredible stress with all these memories resurfacing and then the recollection of abuse. I won’t do it, so don’t even ask me again.”
He was only slightly disappointed as the idea of some other shocking memory coming to light was frightening for him, “Okay, you’re right, it’s probably more than I can handle at this point, but I know this is important, Doc. I can feel it in my gut.” John allowed himself to go back to that dungeon once more and immersed himself in the memory to try and discern what it was Stefano wanted to know. As he did so that familiar skull piercing headache returned suddenly and he cried out before even realizing it, “Ohhh, my head…awww..” He slumped back down onto the bed and Marlena eased him all the way down.
Marlena said softly, “Just let it go for now, it’s too much all at once. Let the memory fade away, John.”
He nodded even as he tried once more to get it back and then passed out for the attempt. As he went out he knew this was the most important memory he had fought for since it all began again a few months ago and he swore he was going to keep fighting to regain it even if it nearly killed him to do so.
Chapter 19
Warm Family Moments
It was early evening when John awakened to the soft giggles of his two children. Belle and Brady were playing at the base of the bed and Marlena was fixing a simple dinner, quite an undertaking for her. They were staying in a condo equiped with a full kitchen and she had decided that for their first night they should eat in. John was embarassed that he had basically slept for the entire afternoon and got up to try and make up for it. He wandered out in search of his wife after giving a quick kiss to each of his children. She sensed him as he quietly came up behind her and placed his arms around her waist and kissed her on the neck. She said, “Hi there, sleepyhead.”
John chuckled and said, “Sorry about that. I guess I have a lot of sleep to make up for.” She sighed thinking back over the difficult first months of their marriage and said, “Yes, you do and I’m glad you finally got a little peaceful rest after that horrible dream. I’m so..sorry about all of it, John and I really do wish there were something I could do to make it easier for you right now.”
“But, there isn’t. I just have to tough it out, Doc. I know that and I will make it somehow and then when I finally have all of my past back we will take the most wonderful trip you could imagine. I want to make up for all the stress and pressure we’ve been under. I’m so sorry my crazy mixed-up head decided on now to give up its secrets.”
“So am I John, but we will handle it all together and things will be better soon. You’ll see. Well, enough of that for now. Look what I’m making for supper!” She smiled as if proud of herself and he looked down to see something he couldn’t quite identify cooking on the stove.
“Uh, Doc….it looks wonderful honey. Listen, I’ll be right back okay?” He went in to ask Brady quietly what it was Mommy had said she was making so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings and to try and figure on a way out of eating it. He could fake not feeling well, she would probably buy that one after all the difficult experiences of late. He could say the dream had upset him so much it made him sick to his stomach.
That would not be a lie, it did make him sick every time that image came back to his mind’s eye. “Hey kids, did you have fun with mommy on the beach while Daddy was…sleeping?” He had to shake off the images and the emotions they brought out so he didn’t spoil this time.
“Yes Daddy, but I missed you. I wanted you to help me with the sandcastles. Mommy said she wasn’t as good at it as you and she was right. Can you build one with us tomorrow?”
As he imagined a peaceful day on the beach with the kids and Marlena it brought him out of the funk he was in. “I sure can, Brady and we’ll play in the waves and look for shells too. I can’t wait until tomorrow morning comes. I’m sorry I slept so much today, but Daddy has been very tired lately.”
Belle had to jump in, “Mommy said you had wots of bad deams and it’s hard for you to sweep bery much. She said the deams made you kinda sad too. Maybe our bacation can make those yucky deams go away.”
Brady had more to say too, “Yea, I want you to be happy again Daddy. You and Mommy told me you bemembered something sad from when you were little and it hurt your feelings a lot. What was it Daddy? You can tell me cause Mommy says it helps to talk when bad things happen to you.”
John was overcome with emotion at this show of concern from his children. They loved him very deeply and wanted to help him feel better. But how could he explain this one? “Oh, Brady what happened to Daddy is something that would be hard for you to understand. I can only tell you that a man hurt me very much when I was too young to defend myself and I didn’t remember it for a long time because it made me too sad. I am still feeling upset about it and when we get home, Daddy is going to get some help with those feelings again. Your Mommy is right, it does help to talk when bad things happen to you. She is really smart isn’t she?”
“Yea, she’s the smartest Mommy in the whole wide world!” said Belle beaming with pride. “And, Bwady and me wuv you bery much Daddy and you can talk to us any time you feel sad, okay?”
“And we’ll give you lots of hugs too, cause hugs help a lot!” said Brady with enthusiasm. “Okay, sweethearts thank you very much. I love you guys very much too and I’m so glad you are here with me.” Belle and Brady both climbed into his arms and hugged him tight and tears came to his eyes to think of how thoughtful and loving his two children were becoming.
The day dawned early and the bright sun shone down filtering through the light curtains of the beachfront condo. John awakened after his first full nights’ sleep in months and he felt rested and refreshed. He was ready for anything and he smiled as he looked over to see Marlena still sleeping soundly next to him and then looked in on the kids who were snuggled up together in the other bedroom. They all seemed so angelic and it warmed his heart to see it. He went out into the kitchen to make some coffee and then went out on the porch to watch the waves and listen to the rhythmic sound of them crashing upon the shoreline. He decided to take the time to pray, something he had found it oddly hard to do of late. He felt somehow abandoned after he remembered the sexual abuse, as if God had let it happen to him and he couldn’t under-stand it all. Now, he wanted that relationship again.
“God, I..know I haven’t come to you in awhile, but I want to thank you for that wonder-ful family in there. I don’t think I could have survived these past months without them in my life.” Then a thought occurred to answer his question of, why now. He knew that God had allowed it to happen because he finally had the support he desperately needed to get through the painful memory he had just recalled and the stress from all the others resurfacing. He couldn’t have handled it alone and certainly not when he was with Kristen. “Thank you Lord for their love and support and for helping me to understand why this is happening to me now.”
As he finished his prayer two slender arms surrounded him and a soft pair of lips caressed his neck. “Hey, Doc. That feels nice, baby. I was just saying thank you to God for you and the kids. I feel so blessed to have you in my life, you know that?” “Funny, I was just thinking the same thing when I woke up and saw you sitting out here looking peaceful for the first time since we returned from our honeymoon which seems like ages ago now. I want you to feel that way most of the time, John. I’m sorry life has been so hard on you, especially lately.”
“You know what, I just figured something out that has me feeling better about all this stuff. I realized that this whole thing with my past has come up now because I finally have the kind of support and love that I need to get through it in one piece. God waited until I married you and had you and the kids to love me. I know beyond any doubt that I could never have made it without you, and God just helped me see that. So, I’m not feeling so upset about why it’s happening anymore.”
She was pleased to hear him talk a little more hopefully and about talking with God. She had sensed his reluctance to pray and a slight bitterness toward God for letting him remember such a painful experience when he should have been a happy newlywed. She hated to see him let this source of guidance and support go because it had seemed important to him ever since he learned about his time as a Priest. “I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better about it and about talking to God. I sensed you were feeling anger toward him for letting this all happen now.”
He had to admit it, “Yes, I guess I was…a little. I shouldn’t feel that way, I know. I just felt so…angry about it all, and I hate feeling so out of control with the memories. He was someone safe to blame I guess.”
When they were finishing this brief conversation, there were two pairs of eyes watching as they kissed each other to conclude it. Brady said, “See, Belle I told you they’d be doing lots of kissing while were on vacation.”
“I weally wike it when they kiss cause it means Daddy’s not too sad anymore. Right Daddy?
He looked at her and felt such love and contentment to be with them all, but was getting uncomfortable with all the attention paid to his difficulties and decided to change directions saying, “Right, Belle. What do you guys say we get cleaned up a bit, go out for breakfast and then…build some sandcastles?”
“Yeah!! I wuv sandcastles and moats with awwigators in em!” shouted Belle.
Brady gave an expression that said, silly Belle, and then he said, “I want to build the biggest one on the beach today, can we Daddy?”
John answered, “I don’t see a reason why we can’t buddy. Let’s go get cleaned up together and then Mommy and Belle can have a turn.”
“Oh goody I get to watch you shave! I like that a lot. I think I’m starting to get some whiskers, feel my chin Daddy. See?”
John chuckled lightly as he did so and said, “Hmm maybe you do son, but I don’t think you’ll have to shave for quite awhile. You should be glad cause sometimes it’s a real pain, slugger.”
Marlena giggled and said, “Yes and one man’s whiskers in the sink is enough for Mommy right now. So, please wait a dozen years or so, Brady.”
“What’s a dozen Mommy?” asked both kids simultaneously.
John laughed and said, “Come on Brady, I’ll explain it to you while we’re getting ready.” A short time later, three of them were ready and sitting at the table waiting for the fourth. John just couldn’t resist teasing, there had not been near enough laughter in their lives since the honeymoon.
“Uh…kids you might want to start thinking in terms of lunch food instead of breakfast because it takes Mommy awhile to get herself ready to go.”
He said it loudly enough that she could hear it through the bathroom door and he waited. Sure enough she came flying out of the room to defend herself and started in, “John, you know that’s not fair. I’m always the last one to get into the bathroom and it just seems longer since you guys are all ready.” Before he could think of exactly the right comeback both Belle and Brady started giggling heartily because they knew Daddy was right, it always took their mother twice as long to get ready. J
ohn glanced at them and pointed and then smiled knowingly at Marlena. Then he asked them “Am I right kids?” More giggles followed.
She smiled sheepishly and shrugged her shoulders and said, “So, sue me. I’ll be out as soon as I can, so just find something to entertain yourselves for a few minutes.” “Okay, we’ll go walk around the resort for awhile and meet you in the lobby area in say oh, and hour or so?” He smiled and winked, but still thought he better start toward the door as he said it.
She said in that mock outraged tone, “John! You know it won’t take me anywhere near that long. Make it 20 minutes.”
John stifled a laugh, no sense in pushing his luck and said, “Allright, Doc if you say so, but if it’s longer you’re buying.”
Very confidantly she said, “You’re on, baby now get on out of here so a lady can concentrate on what she’s doing.”
He gave her a quick but tantalizing kiss and then turned to thekids who were smiling at their parents teasing ways and Brady said, “There they go again.” John herded them out the door and looked back winking at his lovely wife who was still in her bathrobe and he knew he’d win the bet.
Chapter 20
Breakfast and Beach Time
John Black felt a little like he was in a parade as he led his children and his less than inconspicuous bunch of security people through the lobby area of the beachfront resort he and his wife had chosen for their little getaway. He thought if it were on video it would look pretty funny. It was probably a good example of how not to keep an eye on someone in danger and he made a mental note to talk to the man in charge when they reached a quiet spot in the resort. He wanted the protection, but this was a little overstated and not very helpful in the long run. His children were blissfully ignorant of the whole production which was how he wanted it to be. He wanted to shield them from some of the evil that had plagued John for so many years of his life, mostly in the form of Dimera family members. Stop it right there, John. They are out of your life now, don’t give them another second of your time. Even as he told himself that he knew he had to delve into his mind to attempt to learn what the sick man had wanted him to reveal in that encounter he had just recalled the day before. He would probably have to relive many memories of his mistreatment by Stefano to figure that one out, but he knew it was a critical memory for him. He would suffer through those recollections if it was necessary for him to recapture all of his past.
He took the kids on a complete tour of the resort including the swimming pool and the workout room and gym which had an indoor track. They spent the longest time looking out over the ocean and the kids were anxious to get out and play on the beach and in the water. Soon twenty minutes had passed and he guided the kids over to the main lobby area. There was no sign of Marlena at first and he began to chuckle as he told the kids. “See, I told you Mommy couldn’t do it. Kids pick whatever you want to eat cause Mommy’s buying.” He heard the kids giggling and it didn’t seem it was about his comments. He turned around to see her standing behind him in all her glory.
Even in casual wear she looked stunning and he was speechless yet again. How does she manage to keep on doing that to me? he asked himself mentally. John tried to speak and he gulped and said in a whisper, “Uh..hi Doc. You look…wonderful and how long have you been standing there, honey?” He had a sheepish grin as he asked that question.
“Long enough baby. It looks like you’re the one who is buying our breakfast my dear.” She turned to the kids and said, “Anything on the menu is fair game kids, Daddy’s buying!” She winked and flashed him a heartmelting smile as she took Belle in her arms and headed toward the restaurant.
He stared after her for a minute admiring her beauty and style and her spunk as well. And then he turned and said to Brady, “You know what slugger, your Mommy is one amazing lady. She surprises me more every day. It looks like your Daddy got beat this time. Let’s go eat!”
“Okay Daddy. You and Mommy sure like to tease don’t you?”
He chuckled and said, “Yes we do and we haven’t done enough of it lately, so I imagine there will be lots of it on this vacation.” Then he wondered something so he asked, “Brady, is that okay or is there something about the teasing that bothers you?”
His little boy smiled and replied, “No, Daddy I like it a lot cause it means you and Mommy love each other. And you tease a lot when you’re happy, right? You are sad so much lately and I like to see you happy.”
He said these words with such tenderness and concern and John was touched and his hugged his young son as he said, “Oh Brady guy. Daddy has had a tough time of it lately but I’m going to be fine, so don’t you worry about me. You are right though, your Mommy and I do tease when we’re happy and it helps us feel good. So how about you and I think of something else to tease her about, okay?”
“Okay Daddy, let’s go eat and then we’ll have lots of energy to think of something really good.”
“Sounds like a plan to me, slugger.” The two of them hurried to join the two women who held their hearts.
A short time later the family was sharing a nice breakfast and Belle said, “I’m full now. I’m weady to go pway on the beach. Wet’s go, now!” She started to rise from the table and her mother restrained her slightly.
“Wait a minute, Belle honey. Daddy and Mommy aren’t finished yet. You need to wait for us. Then we’ll go get dressed for the beach allright?”
A slightly disappointed expression crossed her face and she said with a pouty voice,”Awwight, but how come it takes you and Daddy so wong to eat?”
John had a mouthful and almost choked with laughter and then he said, “That’s easy, Belle..because we always help you and Brady get started with your food before we do. You know, we cut your meat and things like that.”
Brady piped up, “Well, you don’t have to help me anymore cause I’m a big boy now and I can do it all by myself.”
Belle said, “Well, I’m a big boy too.”
All of the others started laughing lightly and Brady corrected her, “No, Belle, you’re a girl silly. But you’re still littler than me, right Daddy?”
“I’m a bigger girl now and I can do wots of things.”
“Well, I’m the big brother and I can do things you can’t do yet, right Mommy and Daddy?”
“I’m staying out of this one, Doc would you care to answer that?”
She smiled teasingly and replied, “Chicken.” Then she said to the kids, “Hmm let’s see. Brady, yes you are the big brother and you are bigger than Belle because you are older. And being older sometimes means you can do things Belle can’t do. But Belle is growing too and she is learning to do many things by herself now. So, I would say you can both do lots of things that little babies can’t do and that’s great isn’t it?”
Both children seemed satisfied and said, “Yes, Momma. Now are we ready to go to play on the beach?”
John and Marlena simply smiled and decided it wasn’t worth trying to get them to sit still long enough for one last cup of coffee. John answered enthusiastically, “Yes, let’s go get our beach clothes on and build some of those great big sandcastles, okay?”
“YEAH!!” The two of them jumped out of their seats and into his lap to give him a big hug. Then the four of them headed out to do just that.
Two hours later the four of them were on the sandy beach, Marlena in a lounger and the other three building sandcastles as promised. It brought a feeling of utter contentment to Marlena’s heart to see the three of them working together and laughing as they did. John had not been very involved with the kids for a long period because of the stress he was under from all the memories resurfacing and then the recently recovered memory of abuse had really shaken him up. He had isolated himself emotionally to survive it all and had thus missed out on close times like this with his children. She heard the giggles of the kids as she drifted off to a peaceful sleep in the sun.
She was rudely awakened by numerous droplets of cold waterand she startled mightily at the sensation. “Oh..whoa what was that?” She opened her eyes to see three dripping wet family members eager for the fourth to join them.
“Hi, Doc can you come out to play? The kids want to play in the waves and I thought it might be a good idea if both of us were with them, you know for safety reasons.” He knew if he used that line of reasoning she would more readily agree to his request. She was enjoying lounging and resting, but found it hard to resist when Belle said with the cutest little pleading expression and voice she could muster, “Oh pwease Momma, we need you to pway with us in the water. We miss when you aren’t with us, huh Bwady?”
“Yea, Momma we need you very much. Please come splash in thewaves too! agreed Brady.
John didn’t say another word, he just had a mischieveious smile she didn’t trust and so she knew he was up to something at the momentand the kids were involved somehow. She was bound and determined to learn what it was before he had the chance to act on his plans. “John, what are you up to? You have that look in your eyes..”
He tried to distract her, “Nothing honey, the kids are right. We just wanted you to join us and play a little, that’s all. Honest.” As he said it he had his fingers crossed behind his back and he didn’t make eye contact so she couldn’t see he was making it up. Marlena didn’t miss that he didn’t look at her and was certain something was up and so walked very cautiously toward the water as she said, “John, I’m warning you, if you try something devious you will pay for it later.” She winked at him and smiled sensually as if to say mess with me too much and you might not get lucky later on tonight.
John reacted just the way she hoped and seem to be a little less intent on whatever it was he had planned. “Aww Doc, you’re no fun.” He pretended to be giving it up and then quickly grabbed her and took her towards the water where he planned to get her hair wet, something she almost always avoided.
She started screaming, “No, John don’t please, I don’t want to…John! stop, I mean it, John!” He didn’t listen and the kids were giggling hysterically at their parents John said, “Oh come on Doc it won’t hurt you to get wet. I think you’re gorgeous when you’re soaking wet.” Then he caught her completely off guard when he took her mouth in a very sensuous kiss. Then he whispered, “Even if you’re mad at me I’m going to have my way with you tonight and I promise you it will be worth letting go of your anger, baby.” He didn’t wait for her response and he pulled her on into the waves, kissing her all the while.
Belle and Brady stood back watching and then Belle said, “Bwady you wight they sure are kissin awot on bacation.”
He felt so proud to be the big brother, “Yea, and teasing too. I told you they would. But even if it’s a little yucky I’m glad they’re happy again.”
“Me too, Bwady. I don’t wike Daddy to be sad or Mommy eever. Bacations are wots of fun, huh?”
He just said, “Yep! Then he turned to her and said, “Now let’s go help Mommy get Daddy back. We can help her tickle him and make him laugh. I want to hear him laugh lots more.”
“Yea, wet’s go!” The two little cherubs went into the surf and indeed began to tickle their father who played along and Marlena quickly joined in and soon all of them were tickling and giggling with joy. It felt so good to let some of the tension and anxiety they had all felt during the past few months of their lives, float out to sea with the waves. They spent the day playing in the waves building sandcastles, and looking for seashells. It was one of the nicest days as a family they had shared since the wedding.
Marlena was so pleased to see some of the sadness and tension fade from John’s eyes and face as she watched him play with their children as if he were one of them. He was able to find his playful, childlike side and it warmed her heart and gave her a sense of hope and faith that he would one day heal from the pain of what he learned about his own childhood. As she was thinking, he looked up from his play with the kids and smiled warmly at her then mouthed the words, Thank you, Doc.” He was telling her that taking this vacation was exactly what he needed to renew his spirit and give him the strength and faith that he needed to handle the struggle with his past including the memory of abuse. It would be a long and sometimes very difficult journey, but he knew he would make it through with her love and support and that of the children as well.
Chapter 21
A Night of Love at Last
By the time sunset rolled around, Belle and Brady were completely exhausted and the truth be told so were their parents, but they would have denied it if asked. So, John who still remembered some of the enticing kisses of the day, decided after the children were safely asleep in the other room, that he was finally ready to share himself completely again. He had been so…hesitant as each attempt at lovemaking since the hypnosis session was not what he hoped for. He had found himself shying away from the total intimacy and he hated it. He loved Marlena so deeply and he wanted to open himself to her the way he used to, but the images of abuse kept flashing in his mind and it kept him from fully enjoying the closeness. Tonight would be different! Tonight he was going to make love to her the way he always did before that fateful day. As he was thinking back he said to himself, “Oh, Marlena I’m so sorry this whole thing has been so hard on you. I wanted our first months of marriage to be blissfully happy and dammit if my past didn’t mess that up for us.” He sometimes felt as if they had to steal happiness, as if somehow they weren’t entitled to lasting peace and safety in their lives. And it seemed as though it were his fault. It was always something about or from his past that took their joy and caused them pain.
Marlena and John took turns reading stories to the kids before putting them down for the night and though each was tired they didn’t want to sleep. John had purchased an item of lingerie when he was taking a walk late that afternoon and he planned to surprise her with it and then he hoped they would have a special evening together. While she put the kids down he quickly contacted room service and told them to bring everything he had ordered earlier for this special time. Soon there was a lavish spread of gourmet foods, some from the local Carribean culture, some more western in nature and one very special combo: strawberries and whipped cream. He wanted to remind his wife that he always treasured that special memory and that he wanted this marriage to be every bit as exciting and romantic as the first when he thought he was someone different. Okay, everything’s ready he said to himself as he dimmed the lights, lit the candles and switched on the stereo to help set the mood. He waited for a little while and then made the mistake of leaning back on the couch to do so.
Suddenly he startled awake at the light touch on his neck and in his hair and a familiar sweet and sensuous aroma, “Oh…Doc…you..” He was about to say you scared me, but as soon as the sight of her registered in his brain all words disappeared and he was purely sensation oriented. “WOW! You look….so…sexy, even better than I imagined..” As he was paying her the compliment she was already touching him again and beginning to undress him by unbuttoning his shirt for him. His breathing started to change fairly quickly at her movements and light touch on his skin and he captured her mouth swiftly to show her the effects she was already having on him. Then he began to help her slip out of the lingerie item that so slightly covered her sexy body.
“So, John did you have something special planned for us tonight? You know I’m really kind of tired, do you think maybe we should just get some sleep?” As she asked him she began kissing his neck and then his shoulders and then his chest…
“Uh…yea..I..uh wanted…to…surprise you =and…OH…Doc…that feels so..whoa!” She was bringing him swiftly to a level of desire he hadn’t been able to feel since the memory resurfaced and it was a little unsettling, but glorious.
John took a more aggressive stance for a moment as he began to kiss her in much the same way, first tantalizingly then deeply. And then as he ran his tongue around the edges of her lips once again, he reached over for a strawberry and swirled it in the cream. Then he kissed it and put a dollap of whipped cream on both their lips and put the strawberry half in his mouth and moved in for another kiss. The sweet taste and the soft flesh of lips meeting melded into a fiery blend that fueled the intense passion that had already been building.
“Oh, John..oooh.” Now it was Marlena who was quickly heating up and she felt almost dizzy with her need for her husband. They had not been intimate very often since John had recovered the traumatic memory and even when they were he had sometimes pulled away as the memories intruded. He always apologized and would keep trying to fight through it, but their time together was compromised by the pain he was in. This was clearly different and he was now the aggressor and seemed to be having none of the earlier tentative reactions to the closeness and it felt wonderful for her.
John continued to kiss her over every inch of her skin and both were on fire with need. Marlena helped him remove the rest of his clothing and then reached for more whipped cream and smeared some on his chest and abdomen and proceeded to remove it with her mouth. This was all it took to send him into almost unbearable aching desire to be one with her and he couldn’t hold back, “Ohhh, Doc…I…need you..I love you so much, baby.”
She was feeling the same ache within and she said, “John..oh baby please….now!” Marlena didn’t remember the last time it had been this incredible and it was as if every nerve ending had been stimulated. They locked themselves into a fierce spine shattering kiss, tongues exploring the recesses of their mouths and this moved them closer still. Within seconds they felt completely melded into one being as pleasure cried out softly in ecstasy as they kissed and caressed until there was no other feeling or thought than those involving this intense togetherness.
Slowly their breathing calmed and they felt themselves come back down to earth again, but there was such a feeling of peace and contentment. They had made it past some of the awkward times when John just couldn’t share himself this openly. The memory had affected him significantly and now he was able to move past it and enjoy being intimate with Marlena again. Both were still for several minutes while holding each other close and then John said, “Well, I guess I’m back, huh baby?”
She chuckled and said, “Uh…I’d say so..yes. And I’m so glad John. Whew, baby that was….wonderful. I still feel tingly all over. You are an incredible lover, John.” She was still breathing hard from the experience and she nestled up in his arms.
“You know I actually feel tingly this time, too. It’s kinda strange but…so nice.” He was quiet for a minute and she waited sensing he had something important to say. He looked deeply into her eyes and said, “Doc, I…want to say that I’m…sorry for these past months, for what it did to our times like this. I know I haven’t exactly…well, been comfortable and open with you.”
She was touched, but this was unnecessary and he needn’t feel bad about what was a completely normal response to the recollection he had about abuse. She ran her fingers through his hair and replied, “John, you don’t need to apologize for that. What happened to you and your memory of it would cause anyone to have some difficulty with intimacy for awhile. It was a traumatic memory and it affected all aspects of your life. So, please stop apologizing and enjoy what just happened, allright?”
He looked at her with so much love and trust it was almost overwhelming. This man loves and wants to please me so much that he is too hard on himself for things he can’t control. You are one lucky lady Marlena Black she told herself. Then he said, “You are so gorgeous, Marlena. I could stare at you like this all night long and never get tired of seeing your face and admiring your incredible body.” As he said it he began kissing various spots on that sexy body. “I have no idea how in the world I got lucky enough to be so loved by you, but I am so..grateful I can’t even put it into words.”
She gazed intently into his blue eyes and said, “John, it’s amazing, but I just had the exact same thought about how lucky I am to be loved by you. I love you very much and I’m so glad you feel better about us being this way. I missed us together.” She caressed his cheek gently and then traced his lips with her finger.
“Oh…me too, Doc. So much..it hurt.” After lying quietly for a little while they both started to feel hungry and looked at each other at about the same time and said, “So, are you hungry…for food?” They laughed and then Marlena said, “Well, it looks like we’re on the same channel tonight. Let’s eat baby.”
“Sounds good to me, Marlena.” He helped her on with her robe and pulled his on as well and they shared a gourmet feast and then went out onto the patio to look out at the beach in the moonlight and listen to the sound of the waves washing up on shore. They relaxed in silent companionship for quite some time with the occasional loving touch and gaze being exchanged between them. It was so good to be close again this way. There was something about sharing their bodies and baring their souls this night that drew them closer than ever before.
John ended the evening with the feeling that he had greater strength and courage now for his battle with his past and Marlena ended it with the sense that no matter what difficulties lay ahead she and John would always get through the pain together. Theirs was a love that was tested by time and painful experiences, each of which was a great struggle and caused some fear and anxiety, but which also left them stronger as individuals and as a couple. This current struggle with John’s past was no different, they would endure and prevail as always. All the doubts about that were fading away with those warm ocean breezes.
Chapter 22
Waking Up to Memories
John and Marlena made glorious love once more after they sat out on the patio for awhile longer. They were revitalized and felt the bond of love growing deeper and stronger again. Finally around 3:00Am they fell deeply asleep. It was not long before dreams beckoned the mind for them both. John first dreamed of Marlena and the love they made, but then less pleasant thoughts invaded his mind again. They were thoughts he had spent some of his awake time focusing on since the dream hit the first afternoon in this room. He went back to the dungeon trying to recall what it was Stefano had wanted so much to know that he almost killed John to get the information. John’s muscles tensed in response to what the man did to his body and mind attempting to force him to give up what he knew. No, I won’t tell you!….What, John what wouldn’t you tell him? Think, remember it John…His breathing was rapid again as he became anxious both in the dream and in reality. He desperately wanted to recall what the evil man wanted from him, what could it have been that I was willing to suffer unbearable pain, even die for it? As he pushed himself in a half-conscious state the headache came swiftly and was intensely painful. He tried to fight through it again, but despite his best efforts he cried out and had to let it go. “Ohhh my head..” No, John don’t let it go, you almost had it! What did you want Old Man? He thought he heard that laugh again. “Even in death I haunt your dreams, John. I will never leave you, my pawn. And I will never give up my secrets and so I win even now,” said that menacing voice. “No…No!” He called out in his frustration about not remembering and the fact that the bastard did still haunt him now. He had to figure this out because he knew it was vital to recovering the rest of his past. It was gut level knowledge and John vowed to go back over and over to his times as Stefano’s prisoner, as many times as it took and no matter the painful emotions it brought to the surface. He wasn’t going to let this go, not ever! Marlena was shaking him awake as he called out in pain and frustration, “John, honey wake up. John you’re dreaming it’s okay.” This is so..unfair. Can’t he have a few nights without all the pain and fear of the memories resurfacing? He was shaking and sweating a lot, breathing hard and still hadn’t awakened yet. “John, wake up!”
She was a little more assertive with her tone and she shook him harder, then finally he came around. It took a few seconds for reality to fully register in his mind. “Oh…Doc..I keep going back there with Stefano. I…have to figure it out. I need to know what he wanted from me. It is crucial, I know it is, but I can’t remember! Why!” He rubbed at his temples and said, “My head feels like it’s going to explode when I push for the details of the memory. How could someone block my memory so completely and why would they want to, Marlena?”
As she massaged the tension out of the muscles in his neck and then his head she answered him. “Well, my guess is you know some things that could be very damaging to some persons or most likely organizations and they have a vital stake in seeing that you don’t remember all this. Chances are Stefano knew you had this vital information and thought that would give him power over these other persons or organizations and he wanted it badly. When he nearly killed you trying to get it, but couldn’t make you give it up he decided to use you in some other way instead.” It was so odd to talk about it in such a detached manner, but that was the only way she could handle it. Otherwise she became bogged down with the horrendous suffering he had endured and that wouldn’t help him now.
“That’s my thinking exactly. But Doc I thought I was a priest when he took me. What could I have known that he wanted so much he would nearly beat me to death for the information? He paused for a moment thinking about that. Then he said, “Now, if we can just figure out a way to get past these….oh..these damm headaches. It’s a bad one, Doc. Awwwh!” She eased him down as he started to fall back on the bed and the pain began to fade along with the memory. As the pain eased a little he tried once more to convince her of something he wanted her to do, “I know you said before that you thought it was a bad idea, but…”
She cut him off cold, “NO! John don’t even start with that, I’m not going to use hypnosis again, not for a long time.” He started to protest and she put up her hands and said, “John, listen to me. I know you want to figure this one out and I also know you are taking this as a challenge because it’s Stefano who seems to be holding you back. But, John you have just come through one of the roughest periods in your life in dealing with the memory of abuse and the past day or two you seemed to be letting go of some of the pain and anguish that memory caused. I am NOT going to risk you suffering another traumatic memory right now because I honestly don’t think you can handle it.”
He sat up in bed to argue with her, “But…” He could see in her eyes this was not open for negotiation. “Oh, allright, Doc. I…just want to get this all overwith so we can move on with our lives. I feel like my past keeps getting in our way; someone who hated me or some other aspect of my life steals our happiness. I am so…tired of fighting for memories, waking up shaking and sweaty and looking into your worried eyes. Doc, you deserve better than what I’m giving you in this marriage.” He felt terrible about it again and touched her on the cheek and ran his fingers through her hair as he spoke to her, sadness for her in his eyes.
“John, you have given me wonderful love and I am very happy with you and our children. I am living the life with you I have always wanted. Now, stop blaming yourself for the pain you are suffering and whatever stress it causes me. It is not your fault that you lost big chunks of memory and I believe you are right about why it’s coming back now. I think God did make it possible for you to begin remembering when you had the love and support of me and our children to help you deal with it all. It would have been next to impossible for you to handle it completely on your own.”
“Thanks, Marlena. I know I’ve said it before, but I am so blessed to be loved by someone like you. You are so forgiving and tolerant, and you’ve been so sensitive to me through all of this; your love amazes me, Doc.”
“And like I said before. I am blessed to be loved by you too. John, I really am happy being married to you and I don’t feel in any way resentful about what’s happened these past few months. I love you and the vows we took said, for better and for worse did they not?”
“You’re right they did, thanks again, Doc. I love you so…much and I….think I have about one more time left in me, how about you?” He winked at her only half-serious about it as he was very tired, but if she wanted to….
She laughed and said, “John, now that’s where you amaze me. You are insatiable sometimes, but it’s one of your finer qualities as far as I’m concerned.”
“I’ll take that as a yes, Doc.” He caressed her cheek and gazed deeply at her beauty once again and then captured her mouth with his so smoothly it took her breath completely.=20
“Ohhh, John. I…didn’t think I…ooooh.” She was becoming lost in her desire for him again as he began kissing her all over her body beginning with lingering contact with the hollow of her neck, then her breasts and the strength of her response surprised her. She let him love her and felt such indescribable sensation flood throughout her body. As she made the sounds of love he felt his desire building quickly as well, but made a conscious effort to control it to prolong her pleasure. “Oh, Marlena..you are so incredible, I only want to please you, honey.”
“Oh..you are, believe me you are.” She felt herself losing track of time and space, the only existence that mattered was her with him and their bodies connecting this way. She decided to fuel his passion along and began to kiss teasingly, starting and stopping, enticing him to make deeper contact of tongues and pulling swiftly away with hers. She could see his somewhat frenzied response as she glided her tongue past his and then once around his lips. “Ooohh Doc! I.. you’re making me crazy! I..need you now…please?”
She loved when he was so….intense with his need for her and to answer she kissed him fiercely. “Yes, John.” He took her only after caressing her with his tongue in those secret pleasure zones and gave her greater pleasure than they had shared in all the months they had been married. “Oh…John! OH!”
“Doc, OH!…I love you…yea…..He reached a peak and then rode it down slowly and it felt wondrous for him as for her. They wereone in all ways of being, once again in complete synchronization of movement and sensation. They laid together quietly as they listened to hearts beating quickly then slowing down and breaths ragged then slow and drawn out….bodies flushed with love, radiating intimacy and minds forever linked in their magical marriage bond. Their lives were intertwined as were their hearts and souls and no painful circumstance could sever those ties that bound them.
Chapter 23
Stepping Up the Pressure
Jack Henderson sat in his office and reviewed the last batch of tapes and information from the operatives watching John Black and his little family on their vacation. He had to laugh at the children’s antics and admire them all for taking a trip in the middle of what was clearly a serious emotional crisis for John Black. The man was an absolute wreck just before the family left on their vacation. He had watched the incident in the park, several others as well and then listened to audio tapes of conversations between the man and his best friend, sister, and wife about the sexual abuse he had recalled. It appeared that Black was basically a basket case being barely held together by the support of his friends and family. He was no threat to the CIA or the ISA at this point and probably never would be, a man can only take so much. The confusing memories and the headaches he suffered to try and retrieve them were enough to send most men off the deep end. The fact that he had fought through it this long was a testimony to the man’s strength and courage and to the love and skills of his psychiatrist wife. Without her he would be in a hospital somewhere he thought and then it hit him…That’s it! “If Black gets anywhere even close to becoming a threat all we have to do is take her for a little while and we can eliminate him as a threat altogether. Simple enough to do…we just watch him closely and if he starts to remember, Snap! she’s gone, just long enough to trigger a few choice memories and put him in the looney bin.” Then we put her back, no harm done. He snapped his fingers for emphasis and smiled wickedly. After all, Black always was expendable and who would ever know? That was the beauty of it. But that part he couldn’t tell his best field agent, the one none of the others on the team knew about. He wouldn’t take kindly to anything of the kind, so it would have to be a last resort or very well disguised.
He called his men in the islands and told them to keep up the surveillance and gave them some instructions that would step up the pressure even as the family was trying to alleviate it for the man.
“Yes, sir I understand completely. It will start tonight and he won’t know what hit him or even why. Yes, it’s already under way. No, sir he won’t suspect a thing, I can guarantee it.”
“Perfect…keep up the good work down there. I’ll be keeping inclose contact with you. We need to get to him while he thinks he’s getting a break and maybe we can set him back again so far he’ll fall apart completely. Yes, exactly. Goodbye.”
The phone rang in Abe Carver’s office; it was Roman Brady calling out of the blue. “Roman! what’s going on? where are you calling from?”
“Woah, partner…slow down a little. I just wanted to call and let you know I’ll be coming into town for a couple of days and I wanted to touch bases with you. How the heck are you Abe?”
“I’m doing fine, how are you doing? I heard about all thedangerous assignments you’ve had lately. Are you ready to get out of that crazy international espionage game yet?” He was glad for the privacy a phone call gave him as he smiled wickedly and then answered, “Well, I’m thinking of hanging it up soon and settling down, but I have this one….last job to do..and it’s a good one. I’ll be…..settling an old score and it will be a good way to..leave that life once and for all.”
Abe wondered about what he meant and his voice sounded slightly ominous, but maybe he was reading more into it than he should. “I’m glad to hear that. When are you coming into town?”
“Well, I’d like to come now in the next few days. He paused and then commented on the unavoidable subject of Marlena and John. ” I hear Doc and….Black finally got married after all this time. It sure took them long enough to make up their minds didn’t it?” He tried not to sound too bitter, but couldn’t keep it out of his voice completely.
Abe felt awkward talking about this with Roman. “Yes..they..had some interference from…Kristen. She deceived John and faked a pregnancy..helped Stefano..all sorts of things that kept them apart. But they finally worked it out.”
He knew all that, but he wasn’t going to let on. He knew all the details about John Black and Kristen Blake and so many other things nobody would have thought he could know. “Oh…well, is she…happy with him, Abe? That’s all I ever really cared about you know? I just couldn’t handle standing by and watching her go to him.”
Abe wasn’t sure how to answer as there had been so many problems for John and Marlena and it was so…stressful for them and on the marriage itself. “I know you only wanted her to be happy. She loves him Roman and yes they’re happy, but they have had more than their fair share of pain lately. John’s…had a rough time of it with his past.”
Roman pretended to be surprised and concerned, “Oh, really? That’s too bad Abe, he never did get all of his memory back did he? I wonder why, I mean it’s been so long since Stefano brainwashed him.”
He couldn’t reveal any more, it was too personal. “I don’t know Roman. All I can say is it’s not been an easy first few months of marriage for them. Listen, I don’t really feel comfortable talking about this any further. Please, come on in to town so we can get caught up on everything else.”
“Allright, I’ll see you in a day or so. There are a few details I have to wrap up before I can leave for the states. I’ll see you soon and give you a call when I’m airborne.”
“Great! I’m really looking forward to seeing you Roman and so will the family. Do you want me to tell them for you?”
“No, I want to surprise them, Abe. See you soon, buddy.” After he hung up he smiled again as he thought of the turmoil his ex-friend was in of late. “John, you have no idea what’s ahead for you and if you did you would give up this struggle for your past altogether. You are going to be so…sorry you took her from me and you will pay a hundred times over for the pain you caused me!” There was such malice in his voice, pure cold hatred fueled by years apart from the only woman he had ever truly loved. He had a punching bag in his room and he always imagined John’s face as he punched it repeatedly, practicing for the day he would have a chance to repay the man in person. It would feel so cathartic to finally make it real and John would never know what hit him. Making a move to tie up those loose ends, he called someone who could help, “Hello, Dan..yea it’s me. Listen, they’re ready to step this thing up and tonight’s the night. Are you all set down there? Good, you make this work and you are in like flint again. Yea, he’ll never have a clue what’s happening to him. Listen, are you okay with it…you know with all the reminders? He listened for a minute and finished with, “Allright if you’re sure, I’ll let Jack know, talk at you soon. I’ll be in Salem for a couple of days to see some family and old friends.”
Later that night as John and Marlena are taking a sunset stroll near in preparation for a nice meal without children, the strains of music catch their ears. Knowing the children are well cared for and guarded back in the condo, they walk arm in arm on the beach for a long while, just enjoying the peaceful and relaxing atmosphere. Then a song strikes a familiar nerve for John taking him into another reality, another lifetime. He feels himself in another woman’s arms on another beach and then shots ring out, the woman screams in pain and collapses in his arms and bleeds to death even as he tries vainly to save her.
“No! don’t go, don’t die on me! He needs you Sarah, don’t go! It wasn’t supposed to be you, it”s me they wanted, NO!” As he is yelling out in vain, the other man he mentioned comes running to see what has happened and what his friend is yelling about. He quickly sees them on the beach and runs to the injured woman whom he loves more than any other in his life.
Dan knows she is dying when he kneels close to her. “Oh, Sarah baby, don’t die on me honey. I love you and I need you….NO!” He looked to John in desperation, but didn’t see any hope in the other man’s eyes, only deep sorrow and guilt and he agreed with the latter in his acute grief. “I’m so..sorry. I didn’t know they would be so bold. It was meant for me, I’m so….sorry, Dan!”
“This is all your fault, John. I told you things were heating up, but you wouldn’t take any extra precautions. You had to play the hero all the way and they came gunning for you. They killed her, but they wanted YOU, John.!” Dan was so…angry and grief-stricken, “It should have been you, Dammit!! You should be dead instead of her and our…baby. I HATE YOU JOHN! Get away from her!” Dan pulled John away from the once vital and beautiful young woman and then pummeled his friend mercilessly and the man offered no resistance at all, letting Dan beat him until he was a bloody mess. John felt such agonizing guilt and believed he deserved every punch for letting his best friend’s wife die in his battle. Finally, the man ran out of angry grief-filled adrenaline and John who was only standing because Dan had been holding his body up while hitting him, collapsed to the ground unconscious. Dan immediately felt remorseful about what he’d done when he saw how badly injured John was and got medical attention for his friend, who was barely breathing. John was rushed off to the hospital for emergency care. In the present, John Black had also fallen to the ground and was mumbling apologies to Dan and Sarah about causing her death and then he was lying down as if he were actually beaten and he had trouble breathing too, as if his ribs and nose were broken just like all those years ago. Then he heard a familiar voice, one that didn’t belong in the memory and it caught his attention. “John, come out of it, please! John!! you’re having a flashback, come back to me, now!” He felt some vague comfort there, but he didn’t deserve comfort, he had led a youngpregnant woman to her death and for that he deserved to die.
Dan should have let him die there on that beach and he couldn’t quite come all the way back. “I killed her and the baby. I didn’t know about the baby! Oh my God, I didn’t know Dan, I’m so…sorry! I was still so green and I didn’t think they’d shoot at me with her there in such a public place. Oh, Dan I’m so sorry about it all, please forgive me!” “JOHN! come back to me, NOW!” She had to shout at him and shake him firmly to get him to snap out of the flashback, and after agonizing minutes he finally responded. He was still sweating and breathing raggedly as if punched in the face, belly and ribs repeatedly, “Oh, Doc! I got a young woman killed; she was my best friend’s wife and I led her into a situation where she got killed. She was pregnant, Doc! I should have been the one, not her and an innocent baby. Oh, no…I can’t take this! I can’t!” John was shaking his head violently holding it in his hands and was very distraught about this memory, believing he was completely responsible for the deaths. He just laid there crying out in his guilt and the pain, “I killed her, Oh God, I killed them both and I took his family away. It should have been me…it should have been me!” Marlena couldn’t even get him to stand up and go toward the hotel at the moment so she decided to ride this one out to its conclusion. Marlena sat down next to him and let him call out in his grief and sorrow for his friend’s loss and waited until he calmed down all the way so she could discuss it rationally with him. This was obviously an important and very traumatic memory for him and she wanted to help him make sense of how it fit into the grand scheme of his past. She would also help him work through the powerful emotions that obviously went with the experience, yet another incident that could have caused some of the gaps in his memory.
Chapter 24
Voices From The Past
Marlena sat there on the beach with John for a quite a long time and he was finally calm enough to get him to stand up and head back toward their condo. He was wearing a stunned sad expression and still couldn’t really talk with her about his memory; he was lost in the emotions it stirred deep within. As they returned to the room, the details were coming to his mind in full force and Brady saw his father in a state he had not yet witnessed. It frightened the boy to see him as he was, sweaty and covered with wet sand, his face red and streaked with tears of grief for the young woman and her unborn child who were killed in his memory. He did not look at all like the playful happy daddy they had seen earlier that day and Brady said, “Mommy, what happened to Daddy, he looks really sad and he’s all dirty. Did Daddy get hurt?”
John went in to the bedroom and laid down, unable to think of anything else but the memory and all that went with it. Marlena watched with concern and then turned to her son and answered, “No, Brady your Daddy is…just having a hard time right now. Do you remember how we talked about Daddy having some times of his life he didn’t remember?
“Yes, Mommy I do. Is that why Daddy is sad?”
“Mmm hmm, he is starting to remember lots of upsetting things that have happened to him and it’s hard for him to make sense of it all. But, don’t you worry, your Daddy is going to be just fine.”
“I hope so, Mommy cause I don’t want him to be so sad.” He was feeling bad for his father and wanted to help, but didn’t know how. Marlena sensed his fears and pulled him into a warm embrace of reassurance.
“Brady, he will be okay and he will always be here for you when you need him, allright?” He nodded with uncertainty as he looked in at the man who was lying down and quietly traveling back in time in his mind to that memory. John couldn’t skake it off and the feelings were as fresh in his wounded heart as if it were the night Sarah died. Marlena knew this was a very upsetting memory and decided that the children needed to be shielded from the intensity of his reaction. She took Brady into the bedroom where Belle was already sleeping and read him some stories and put him to bed before returning to John.
When she returned to the bedroom, he was no longer there and she felt a slight feeling of panic in her gut. She looked in the living areas, checked the bathroom and he was not to be found, so she went out to the patio which was vacant as well. She scanned the shoreline and found him sitting in the surf with his knees tucked up under himself. He was deep in despair, near tears again as he immersed himself in the memory. Marlena came up quietly behind him and sat down next to him. She gently rubbed his back for a few moments and then sat in silence with him, waiting…
“Do you want to talk about it, honey?”
“Doc, I….can’t do this any more. There is so much pain in my past. It’s strange but I almost wish I could be brainwashed again, just so I could forget it all. Who cares about the gaps in memory….if it’s all so….filled with death and loss, so much..pain.”
Marlena wanted to help him, but was silent waiting for him to share it all. He looked at her and told her with his eyes he was wishing not to need her so badly again. When will I be strong again? the protector and comforter he thought. John hung his head and said, “I’m so….tired, Doc.” Then he was quiet again for several minutes before talking about the memory. “What I just remembered… was about Dan and Sarah, they were my best friends and I…worked with him. I can’t remember the setting, but it was dangerous for some reason and I thought I could handle it myself. We were walking on the beach and I had my arm around her waist, we were all close like that and then she started to tease me and made a sudden move. Then shots rang out and she was hit; it was meant for me.”
John stood up and stared out in the ocean for a moment before continuing. “I tried to stop the bleeding, but she was dying and I knew it was futile so I screamed out in fear for her not to die and Dan came running. He was wild with anger and grief and I understood it. He said she was pregnant and I hadn’t known that. They were waiting awhile I guess. Dan blamed me for not taking more precautions and said it was my fault she and the baby died.” John was able to keep it together until the last part, “Doc, she….the baby…she hemorrhaged right there on the beach…I saw the baby. There was so much blood…Oh, Marlena…I was responsible for their deaths. She had this piercing look in her eyes when she died, begging me to save her and the baby. And Dan, he was so upset he yanked me away from her and started to beat the hell out of me….I just let him because I knew he was right and I deserved every punch he threw. I don’t remember anything after that.”
She wrapped her arms around him and said, “Oh, John…I’m so..sorry. That must have been horrible for you. I know this has all been so overwhelming for you and it seems neverending right now.” They were both quiet for a minute and then she added for encouragement, “I don’t know if it helps at all, but I think you’re making some progress. The memories aren’t so fragmented now.”
He was a little angry with her for doing what seemed to be making light of what felt to him like a life spinning rapidly out of control completely. “Progress? This is progress? Doc, my head is so…messed up and emotionally…let’s face it I’ve been a wreck and without you… It feels like it’s never going to end and sometimes I’m afraid to go anywhere or do anything because each memory seems more…violent and painful than the last one. I never know what will trigger a flashback and it’s so…unsettling.”
Marlena wanted to help him come to a more positive perspective on his situation, but at the moment had no argument and so she just pulled him back into a hug. Then they silently walked back to the patio to sit down and stare back out at the ocean for awhile. There was some comfort to be found there in the awesome forces and the rhythmic motion and sounds of the waves crashing upon the shore. Eventually Marlena said, “Honey, why don’t you go get cleaned up and I’ll order us something to eat from the restaurant, okay?”
A hot shower would feel pretty good about now, so he said, “Yea, sure that sounds like a good idea, baby. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” When he stood up he gave her a kiss on the forehead and slowly trudged to the bathroom to shower. He paused to look in the mirror and was taken aback by the sight. He looked like death himself and felt dead inside. These painful memories overwhelmed all else except his love for his wife and children and he ached inside for all the suffering he was remembering. It was getting harder to shake off each memory he recovered and this one was especially tough. He couldn’t get it out of his mind, the expressions on Sarah and Dan’s faces as they accepted that she would die and the angry grief in Dan’s whole body as he hit John repeatedly. The blood, there was so much blood all over them and on the sand. Sarah lost the baby as she died and now he knew he would never forget the agony of that loss or the sight of her bleeding body lying in his arms.
John stepped into the shower and something strange started to happen. He could swear he could hear their voices coming from somewhere nearby. “John, save me please! Don’t let me die, don’t let my baby die!” Then there was Dan’s voice, “You killed her, John. You killed our baby too! I hate you, John!” He was shocked and wondered if he was really losing it now. Where are you, how can I be hearing your voices he said quietly to himself. The voices were just a little louder and there was a third one, the man he had respected and loved as a father figure, “John, help me! they’re going to kill me, save me John!” Save the baby, don’t let her die! You killed her, you could have saved her!”
The sounds were surrounding him and he held his head and yelled out in his confusion and fear that he was going crazy, “No, Stop! Make it stop! DOC!!” He sank down to the base of the shower as the voices continued to beg him to save the people he loved and he was powerless to do so, as he had been all those years ago. “Please, make it stop!” His voice was softer and sadly pleading in tone. He was quickly losing control of his thoughts and emotions and he just sat there hoping it would end. Marlena had been on the patio, but she heard his scream and came running to him. By the time she had arrived the voices had disappeared completely and he was left wondering what had actually happened.
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Back in Salem a phone rang again, it was a telephone in a hotel outside of town. “Hello, Dan. Perfect, that’s exactly what we wanted! He’s dangling on the edge now and one more little shove…and he’s on his way down for a long hard fall. The beauty of it is he’ll have no idea someone helped it along. He’ll think he’s just losing it and more importantly so will she and everyone else. We’re all in the clear with one more step. Did you tell Peter what’s going on too? Good, he’s going to want to see it firsthand when the man ends up in a hospital and he said earlier he might have some things we can use to keep him there, some things from Stefano’s hideouts that he used on Black before.” He stopped to answer a question. “Guilt? No, I have no guilt about this and neither should you. He was responsible for your wife and child’s deaths and he took the only woman I ever really loved from me and a child I loved as mine. For that alone, he deserves everything we’re going to do to him, plus he’s a threat to the agencies if he regains all his memories.”
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Marlena came running in to find John sitting in the shower with a fearful expression on his face, looking out of sad confused eyes. “John?” She turned off the water and helped him up then asked, “John, what just happened that you screamed for me?”
He didn’t respond right away wondering what she would say and do if he told her. “Doc, I….heard Sarah and Dan calling to me and my mentor from that other memory too. They were begging me to save them and Dan was yelling at me about killing his wife and baby.” As he spoke he could see already that she thought he was hearing voices and he said, “It was real Doc, I swear it! I wasn’t just hearing it inside my head. “The voices were real, Marlena. They were coming from somewhere here in the bathroom.” He looked anxiously around the room for speakers of some type or anything out of the ordinary where the sound could have originated.
She felt horrible for him and now her worst fears were coming true. He was slipping over the edge into…what? The pressure was just too much for him and his mind was faltering. “Oh, honey…that’s not possible and you know it. You’re having a very hard time with this and it’s getting to you. I think I would like to prescribe some medication to help you with all of this. Will you take it?”
He was shocked and hurt by her reaction. “Marlena, I swear it! Those voices were real. I heard them and they weren’t coming from inside my head. You think I’m going crazy don’t you? Well, I’m not!!” When he looked at her again there was such pain in her eyes for him. She was a psychiatrist and she knew insanity when she saw it; if she believed it….maybe she was right. “Am I really losing it that much, Doc? You really believe I’m hearing voices?” He was near tears as he pleaded with her to support his theory. She hated to admit it but she did think that and so she said, “John, I know this is so difficult, but…yes I do. You have had such pressure and stress over the past several months and sometimes it’s too much for the mind to handle. So, I think it’s possible you only thought you heard those voices from somewhere other than your own mind.”
As she spoke he felt his remaining strength and spirit crumbling. If she thought he was going crazy it must be true. “Oh, Doc…what am I gonna do? What’s going to happen to me?” He had placed his robe back on and went out of the bathroom and collapsed onto the couch. He couldn’t stop the tears from leaking out around the edges of his eyes and he silently wept in fear of what lay ahead for him. “I’m….losing it, aren’t I?”
Marlena’s heart was breaking for him and she sat down next to him and tried to provide some comfort by putting her arms around him. After some time had passed she said, “John, you’re going to be okay. We just need to do some things to relieve some of this pressure and medication is one way to help you. I really believe it’s the best thing to do right now. Will you please take it?”
“It’s medication for people who are….really sick in head, huh? one of the anti-psychotic drugs that have all those side effects? I don’t want all that, Doc. Isn’t there some other way to handle this?” Just the thought of taking something like that was very upsetting to him.
“John the medications have improved a lot in recent years and we would try you on a low dose to start with and see if there is some improvement before increasing the dosage. Please, John I think it’s best.” She could see he was hurting terribly and frightened to admit the truth of what was happening to him.
John considered it for a moment longer and then shook his head and said, “No, I’m not taking anything like that. I’ve seen what those drugs do to people. Sorry, Doc. I won’t do it, I’ll just have to tough it out.”
Marlena was disappointed, but she understood how he felt and so said only, “Allright, John but you have to know that this could get a lot worse and then you might end up in a psychiatric hospital if it keeps up. I don’t want that to happen to you.”
“I’ll just have to take my chances for now, Marlena. Thanks for not pushing this on me. I appreciate that a lot. I will tell you when things are happening to me, even voices. Okay?” He felt relieved when he could see from her expression that although she didn’t like his choice she wasn’t going to force something on him at the moment. He thought to himself, ‘I’m going to prove I’m not going crazy! I would have sworn those voices were real, weren’t they?”
Chapter 25A
Question of Belief
Two men, poised for the next step, sat in a boat anchored just off shore from the island where John and Marlena were vacationing. One man said in his growing fatigue and frustration, “Lets, face it Dan, he’s not coming. I think we should pack it in. I guess Roman was wrong about the way he’d react to this thing.” Since that man wasn’t present it was easier to act as if he was the one who had suggested it and not the man sitting next to him, though this idea had been developed by both men.
“No, I don’t think so. I know him, he’ll be out on that beach tonight. I know how his mind works; trust me, please, and wait a little longer.” Dan knew the man wouldn’t be able to get the memory out of his mind and the little incident in the shower would weigh heavily on his mind as well. John would spend most of the night trying to make sense of it all and deciding whether indeed he was losing it like his wife had implied.
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John fought sleep as long as possible, reviewing in his mind all the memory fragments he had recalled since it all began on his honeymoon and trying to piece them together in some meaningful way, to no avail. He remembered the death of the father figure, and the horrendous explosion he was in; running after some unknown car and screaming at the driver in fear of something; running and training intensely, at times almost as a punishment for something; the incident where he was injected with mind altering chemicals that he believed wasn’t at Stefano’s hand, and then finally the memory of the incident with Stefano trying to beat some information out of him. Dammit, why can’t I figure out how the memories all fit together? What did Stefano want from me? Who was I working for? How did I know Dan and Sarah and why was she killed? He tried to put Sarah’s death and the grief motivated beating he had taken from his best friend out of his head, and then there were the voices he heard. Were they real or had he imagined them from inside his own distraught mind? Is it like Doc seems to think, am I really going off the deep end? All these questions swirled turbulently around in his mind until the oh so familiar intense and unrelenting headache returned.
His head throbbed with pain and he couldn’t sleep and he wasn’t able to answer any of the questions that plagued him. So, John decided to go back out and walk on the beach which almost seemed to beckon him in his distress about what he had recalled earlier. He just couldn’t shake the images, the expressions of horror and grief on his friends’ face or Sarah’s pleading fearful eyes as she died and he felt compelled to return to the beach. It was almost as if she were calling to him and he needed to say goodbye and tell her how deeply sorry he was about what had happened so many years ago now.
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Dan stared out of the nightscope to look again for his ex-friend hoping he wasn’t wrong, that the man still had similar thought patterns and ways of coping with painful circumstances. Suddenly he appeared, walking slowly out of the condo patio door. The man stood staring out at the ocean for a few moments before heading toward the surf. “There he is, get that thing fired up,” Dan said enthusiastically.
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As John walked along near the water’s edge he was contemplative and oblivious to most everything but his own thoughts. His quiet contemplation was interrupted by the plaintiff wailing of those voices from his past. “Save me, John! Please save her, John! Johnny help me, please! Protect me, John you said you would protect me! He’s coming for me, don’t let him take me!” It was all the voices of people who had depended on him to protect and save them from evil forces: Sarah, his mentor and father figure, Rachel and then Marlena’s voice was there as well, calling out to him and all the times Stefano had taken her despite his best efforts to keep her safe came rushing back to him in thatinstant.
In his already traumatized state it was overwhelming for him to hear all of this and he held his head firmly between his hands calling out for the onslaught to end. “NO! Stop it Please! I did all I could to protect you, I’m so sorry! I’M SORRY!! Please STOP!! It didn’t stop and he fell to his knees covering his ears with his hands, trying to shut out the sound, but it was futile. The cries were endless and he was helpless to do what they asked of him, just like he was in the past. John couldn’t save everyone and it tore at the fabric of his heart and soul. He called out in his confusion to the only person who had always been there, “DOC, help me!!” At some point the wailing pleas ended, but he was already lost in the past and his deep sorrow about his failures and didn’t really notice.
The next sensation of which he was cognizant were the two soft warm hands of his lover touching him and then her arms wrapping around his sweaty, trembling body. “Oh, Doc…”
She had arrived shortly after hearing him call out for something to stop and she was convinced that he was hearing voices again. When she came up to him there was no sign of another person and no noise other than his soft mournful cries about having tried to save those he loved. He was kneeling on the sand with his head in his hands and was inconsolable at first. Seeing him this way was troubling; Marlena was truly afraid for his sanity at this point because before she touched him he was talking to himself as if responding to some unseen voices. “Oh, honey…I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time with all of this. I want to help you, baby. Please let me get you some medication that will make it easier!”
His reaction was emphatic. “No! I’m not hearing voices like you think, Doc! It was real, there were….people calling out to me…I heard Sarah’s voice and Rachel’s and yours too, Marlena. You were calling to me about Stefano. I swear I heard it…and it wasn’t just in my mind!” He looked up and saw her concern and something almost like pity, “Doc, don’t look at me like that, Please, you have to believe me!” His eyes pleaded with her to believe in him and he grasped her forearms firmly with his hands as he said the last sentences.
“John, you’re hurting me!” She was a little frightened by his intensity.
He let go instantly and apologized, “I’m sorry, Oh God I’m so sorry…I didn’t mean to hold you so hard, please forgive me Doc.” He was in such anguish and she wanted to relieve the pressure, but didn’t know how at this point. He put his hands over his face as he cried out, “Marlena, what’s happening to me? I’m scared..Oh God, I’m scared!” John was now in a sitting position with his knees tucked and he started rocking forward and backward in an unconscious attempt to calm and distract himself from his distress.
She sat down next to him then reached out and put an arm around him as a gesture of comfort. “Oh, sweety…you couldn’t have heard anyone speaking to you. I was back inside the condo safe and sound, honey and Stefano is dead. So are Sarah and Rachel. You can see how this looks can’t you, John? There is nobody on this beach but you and me. How could you possibly have heard all of us calling out to you?”
John had no answer to her questions, especially in this state of mind. He looked at her face and into her eyes and saw only fear and worry. There was not even the possibility of belief in the truth of what he was saying and that hurt him deeply. “I don’t know, Doc but I heard everyone calling out for me! You don’t believe in me any more, do you? You think I’m falling apart completely, you won’t even consider the possibility of what I’m saying!” John started to cry because if she didn’t believe in him he was lost, and it made him question the validity of his own experience and he had never before lost that certainty.
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The small boat was still offshore and the occupants took turns looking through the night scope and then the one man said, “It worked like a charm, Dan, she doesn’t believe him. Look through these things..you can tell he’s trying to convince her it was real and she thinks he’s losing it.”
Dan took the scope and peered up the couple on the beach. “Yep, you’re right. He just grabbed her and I could see he was begging her to believe him and she didn’t. He’s just sitting there rocking back and forth.” With a self-satisfied smile he said, “Yea, he’s gone. We can tell Jack, Roman, and Peter they got what they wanted. He’s gonna be in some hospital soon, no doubt about it. Let’s call it a night as soon as she takes him back to the condo.”
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Her heart was breaking with empathy for his suffering, but Marlena couldn’t lie to make him feel better, this was a serious crisis for him. “John, I do believe in you, but what you’re saying is impossible. Listen, why don’t we go back inside and talk about this some more? I’m sorry you’re under so much pressure and I really want to help relieve it for you.” She could tell by his nonverbal response that he was very upset with her and she wondered if he would come back with her.
Now he was hurt and angry and he blew it off at her as he stood up wanting to face her and she did the same. He stared her down and said, “You won’t say it will you? Why don’t you just tell me straight out? You think I’m totally over the edge, hearing imaginary voices in my head! You think I’m crazy, Doc!” Through angry tears he shouted, “Well, I’ll admit..I’m…having some problems right now, but I’m not crazy and I’m gonna prove it to you!” John suddenly turned away and ran off down the beach without so much as a goodnight or any other comment about how long he’d be gone.
She let him go, knowing he needed time to calm down and clear his head a little. As she watched him run off, she said out loud to herself, “Oh, John! I’m so sorry this is happening. I had so hoped it wouldn’t get to this point!” Marlena knew he was deeply hurt to think she doubted him and his sanity. She wished she could have given him some encouragement, but he wouldn’t want her to lie to him. What he said happened just wasn’t possible and she hoped that when he calmed down and the intensity of the most recent memory lessened, maybe he would see the situation more rationally and accept the need for some medication and other help. If not…. She shuddered to think of him in some psychiatric hospital, coercing him to take the drugs that would help him cope and eliminate the voices for him. Marlena lifted up a quick prayer before turning around to go back inside the condo and wait for her husband. “Lord, please comfort him, help him face the truth and give us both guidance in these difficult times.”
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Jack Henderson took the call on his cell phone, “Hello……wonderful. That is perfect. It sounds like we won’t have to worry about that little problem for a very long time, if ever. Excellent work, Dan. You my friend are back on the A-list all the way. The agency is proud of the work you’ve done in this…..situation. Congratulations!”
Dan smiled wickedly, Thank you sir. And don’t worry, we have much more in store for Black if necessary. You have no need to concern yourself with him any more. He is no threat to the organization.”
Chapter 26
Dangling on the Edge
Marlena stood there in the surf for several minutes watching the man she loved try to run away from the truth, that he was beginning to experience what a lay person would call a nervous breakdown. His mind was playing tricks on him and he thought he was hearing people from his troubled past calling out for him to save them. They often talked about how John had always taken such great efforts to protect the people he loved from pain and carried tremendous guilt when he believed he let them down. This very issue was the heart of his current crisis. Marlena had told him he needed to accept the fact that he just couldn’t keep everyone he loved from suffering pain in their lives and if he didn’t he would have difficulties emotionally. Now, it appeared he was actually hearing voices pleading for his help. “Oh, John honey…..She started to cry because she knew it would be so difficult for him to face the truth about what was happening to him and she prayed that she wouldn’t have to commit him to a psychiatric facility against his will. It would kill him and to look in his eyes again and see the pain of not being believed would be excruciating to endure. But she would do whatever she had to do to help him even if he was angry and didn’t understand, even if it put their relationship at risk. She loved him enough to suffer the loss of him if he couldn’t forgive her, but she would get him the help he so desperately needed. Marlena returned to the patio and sat in the lounger and wept for a long time and then calmly got up and washed her face in the kitchen sink. Next, she picked up the phone and made a call to her friend and fellow psychiatrist who had seen insanity from both sides. It was late, but she knew Laura would want her to call and Marlena really needed to talk to someone who could understand how she was feeling and help her make a good decision about what to do for her husband. “Laura, it’s me, Marlena. I’m sorry to call so late but it’s John….” She stopped and broke into another round of tears.
Laura patiently waited and then when her friend was calm she asked quietly, “Tell me, honey.. what is it?” She had been hoping that the vacation would be just what the Black family needed to relax and alleviate the stresses on John and Marlena.
“Oh, Laura…he’s….oh! He’s hearing voices!” She started to cry again and then finally recovered as Laura waited. “He…had another really upsetting memory flashback and recalled an incident where a young pregnant woman with whom he was a good friend, was killed by gunshots he says were meant for him. It seems he worked with the woman’s husband and the three of them were good friends. She died in his arms and the husband blamed him for not taking more safety precautions and then proceeded to beat John into unconsciousness, apparently. The memory upset him very much and he was feeling so terrible and had gotten all dirty and I sent him into the shower. That’s when it started Laura.” Marlena stopped again and Laura commented.
“Go ahead and tell me, Marlena and then we can figure out how to help him. Come on, you know you have to do something soon, now tell me.”
“Okay, I heard him scream in this terrified voice for me to make something stop and when I came into the bathroom he was sitting in the base of the shower with the water still running, mumbling to himself. When I asked him what made him scream he said he heard the voices of Sarah and Dan from the memory. He practically begged me to believe that he heard the sound from somewhere in the bathroom, but I admitted when he asked me that I thought he was hearing voices and said that I wanted to prescribe some medication to help him. Of course he refused to admit it and wouldn’t agree to take the medication and we left it at that. I figured that sooner or later the truth would become obvious to him.”
“Oh, Marlena that must have been so hard to say to him. And he must be so upset to think he’s really having that much difficulty with all of the emotions brought out by the memories.”
“Yes, it was. Brady had seen him when we first came in and even he could tell something was really wrong with his daddy. I tried to reassure him, but he was worried and afraid.”
“What happened after you talked about the voices?”
“We went to bed, but John definitely couldn’t sleep so he went out on the beach I guess. The next thing I knew I heard him cry out again. Laura, this time he said he heard Rachel and me and his father figure from an earlier memory. He swore the voices were real, but when I came up to him, he and I were the only people anywhere near the beach except for the security people John hired and he was talking to himself as if there were people there speaking to him. It was all about saving us from harm, something he has always tried so hard to do for the people he loves and he was very upset about his failures. Oh, Laura…he grabbed me forcefully and pleaded with me to believe him when he said it was real, but it couldn’t have been. It hurt him deeply to think I don’t believe in him anymore and he ran off down the beach. He said he was going to prove to me he wasn’t going crazy.”
“Oh, Marlena. I’m so sorry. I wish I were there with you. It must have been so difficult not to tell him what he wanted to hear. You said he grabbed you, are you afraid he’ll hurt you?”
“No, he was really upset about it and apologized immediately. He’s just hurting so much and I want to help him, Laura. I’m trying to decide what to do for him, convincing him he needs help is going to be very difficult, to say the least.”
Laura thought of how he reacted both times something like this had happened, when Kristen’s lies were revealed and then what Marlena had just told her. “Marlena, if you tell him you want him to go into some type of a facility, do you think he’ll run?”
She hated to admit it, but that was probably exactly what he would do if he couldn’t be convinced his experience was not real. “He very well might, but what else can I do Laura?” She thought of the other alternative and realized how painful it would be. “If I have him commited involuntarily and I don’t tell him ahead of time and one day some policemen show up at the door… he will never forgive me. I just don’t think I have the strength for that Laura.”
“I wish I could help you with it, Marlena. Do you think it would help if I talk to him since I’ve been on both sides of the fence so to speak?”
She sighed with weariness and replied, “I don’t even know, Laura. He is so traumatized by all of this and his denial is very strong. He may not be able to hear you. I think I will try to convince him to go home to Salem early and then go from there.”
“Well, just know you are all in our prayers and please don’t hesitate to call for any reason, any time of the day, allright?” She was very concerned for John and for all the stress his ordeal was putting on Marlena.
“Thanks, Laura that means a lot. Could you please call Abe for me and explain to him a little bit about what’s happening with John. His support is very important to John and he already knows about all the other memories including the abuse. I just don’t think I have the energy.”
“Of course I will. Please try to get some rest. John will be okay and he’ll come back to you after he calms down. I’ll see you soon.”
John ran as fast and as far as his legs would carry him. He wanted to run away from the words Marlena had said to him and the expression on her face. There was no doubt about what she thought; she believed he was slipping over the edge and that what he thought he heard was manufactured inside his own distressed mind, not something from external reality. ‘If Doc thinks I’m going crazy then what should I think? She’s a psychiatrist, John she knows what insanity looks like. Dammit, I would swear what I heard was real, but…maybe everybody who hears voices thinks that.’ He couldn’t reconcile the conflicting thoughts and he felt so confused. Exhausted and overwhelmed by the stress he had endured for several months he collapsed on the sand and didn’t move for a long time. Lost in memories of his own and others’ suffering, all of which he was helpless to prevent or end, he finally fell into a restless sleep lying there on the sand wearing only a pair of running shorts. It !wasn’t long before he started to dream again and all the memories seemed to meld into one conflicting, inexplicable maelstrom. But this time he couldn’t come out of the dreams and Marlena wasn’t there to help because he had needed to get away from those eyes filled with something that looked to him like pity and he couldn’t take that from her.
So, John laid there in his confusion a few miles away from the condo he had rented. He was still being watched by his own people and by the others sent by his own countrymen who wanted to push him completely over the edge into mental collapse so he couldn’t expose them. The man he hired wanted to help, but wasn’t sure what he should do, he heard the encounter between the man and his wife and had followed John down the beach. He would make sure John didn’t drown in the surf, but otherwise planned not to disturb him as he was obviously distraught and wanted to be alone. However, the other man had different ideas and he snuck up behind the first observer and put a chloroform soaked cloth over the man’s mouth and held it there until the man went out. Then, when John had fallen asleep he took the small high-tech tape recorder and placed it beneath a clump of seaweed a few yards away, turned it on and then after injecting the sleeping man with powerful mind altering chemicals crept quietly away and hid behind the dunes.
John was dreaming and he revisited all the fragments and then at last the memory he had just recovered about Sarah and Dan. He was there with her and she was smiling and laughing with him, teasing him. Then the next instant she fell against his body, blood pouring out of several gunshot wounds. She was horrified and he gazed into her fearful eyes. “No, not her! It was supposed to be me! Oh, No I’m so sorry Sarah!” As he immersed himself in this dream of memories he heard her voice again and Dan’s too, “Save her John, you should have saved her! Help me John, don’t let me die! You killed her, John! I hate you!”
The voices cried out to him repeatedly and in his sleep he definitely couldn’t determine the difference between fantasy and reality and he cried out in agony about it. “No! I can’t be hearing your voices. Sarah is dead and Dan can’t be here, but I hear them. Oh, help me, somebody make it stop! Please make it stop!” John covered his ears again and tried to block out the sounds, but again was unsuccessful and he felt himself gradually slip away this time. He was truly falling apart now, the pressure on him was too great and he surrendered his mind to the insanity as the fearful pleading voices continued to call out to him repeatedly. When it was over he had silently escaped into the recesses of his mind where he didn’t have to think or answer the questions or face the pain. He had some vague awareness that Marlena would find him there and believe she was right all along.
As he slept, the chemicals found their way into the far reaches of his bloodstream and made his thoughts even more muddled and when he awakened a hour later he began suffering visual and auditory hallucinations that frightened him. He had no conscious sense that he had been drugged to push him over that edge he had been approaching and it would appear to anyone else that he had just slipped further into insanity. John was very groggy and disoriented when he awakened and found it difficult to make it to a standing position. He felt quite dizzy and had trouble maintaining it once he was upright. Staggering down the beach toward the condo he hallucinated, thinking he saw Sarah dying on the sand crying out to him to save her and it terrified him. He tried to save her and he went to hold her and she was gone. It made himbelieve on some level that Marlena was right and yet, no. There was something terribly wrong with him, but what? Then he saw Stefano and the bastard was standing there laughing at him and taunting him, “I’m dead and I still haunt you, my pawn. You’ll never learn my secrets and understand your past. Ha Ha!” John ran toward the evil bastard who has caused so much pain to so many people and grabbed armfuls of air and fell to the ground. It’s not real, John, he told himself silently as he knelt there in the sand. Then he called out, “Oh, God what’s happening to me?” He was truly scared now and he didn’t know what to do as he was disoriented enough from the drug that he wasn’t exactly sure where he was. John made it a mile or so from where he had fallen the first time and collapsed again. The man who drugged him was satisfied with the results and called the beach patrol and made an anonymous call about a man lying unconscious on the beach. He smiled wickedly and said, “She will be completely convinced he’s gone off the deep end and nobody will even think to look for needle marks. The man stood over the collapsed body and said, “No matter what he says, she won’t believe him if he’s having visual hallucinations too. He injected the man once more in a vein on the back of his thigh and said, “Goodbye John Black, have a nice stay at the sanitarium.”
Chapter 27
Time Out of Mind
Marlena had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for John to return and was rudely awakened by insistent knocking on the door of their vacation condo. She was a little disoriented herself and then remembered the evening and thought it might be about John. She made sure her robe was appropriately wrapped around her body, fluffed her hair absently and moved to answer the door. It was one of the resort managers who said there was an unidentified man found lying unconscious on the beach and then a short time later in a semi-conscious state he was calling out for someone named Doc. The manager had the beach patrol bring him to the resort after recalling a guest referring to his wife as Doc. Then he confirmed it when some other staff people recognized him and they found Doctor Evans name on the registration form; Marlena had wanted to ensure she would be contacted on emergencies with her patients. John was currently in the manager’s suite resting fitfully with a nurse in!… observance until she could get there. The men John hired stayed with the couple’s sleeping children and Marlena rushed off with the manager, feeling frantic about what must be happening to him and wondering why he was found unconscious.
John was now in a very confused and disoriented state as the drug with which he had been injected was a powerful hallucinogen and when combined with his already overloaded psyche he could not distinguish reality from imagination, dreams or memories. He was calling out for Marlena. “Doc! I need Doc, please find her!” There was some vague sense for him that something was very wrong about how he felt and what he was thinking, but he had no idea that he had been drugged. It appeared that he was now mentally unbalanced.
When Marlena arrived, he was mumbling about Stefano and Rachel, Dan, Sarah and Marlena as well as his father figure and she had to force her fears down to act as the rational, objective psychiatrist and evaluate his mental state. “John, honey I’m here. Tell me what happened.”
He was conscious, but very confused. “Doc, oh baby I’m glad you’re here. I don’t know what happened exactly. I…..ran for awhile….then.. I..fell asleep. He seemed to be laboring to remember and speak clearly. “Yes, that’s it, I fell asleep and then I…heard Sarah and Dan calling out to me. I…started to head back to the condo and I….was so dizzy and couldn’t keep my balance very well.” He was becoming distraught and yet his voice was somewhat distant. “Then I…. saw Sarah. She was…so bloody and I tried to save her, but I couldn’t Doc. I wanted to help her, but she disappeared. I kept on going for awhile and I saw him….I saw Stefano, Marlena. He was standing there laughing at me, saying I would never figure out my past.” As he talked he had no idea that Marlena would take it as further evidence of his growing mental illness. He was too impaired by the drug to have that kind of awareness and his experience seemed completely real to him.
Marlena had to force herself not to break down about what he was saying because it meant her husband had slipped further away from external reality since they talked earlier. She was afraid she was losing him and it was so hard to concentrate and help him. Marlena brushed his wet hair out of his face and stroked his cheek gently. “John, honey…you know that wasn’t real don’t you? You imagined seeing them sweety, they are dead now.”
“But….I… saw them, Doc!” John’s breathing became rapid and he was anxious. “Doc, something’s wrong…I…can’t see straight and my thoughts are all…confused..please you have to help me!” He held his head in his hands as if it would help him remember and concentrate and said, “Something…. happened to me…I feel…so…mixed-up and my head is spinning…please do something!” His eyes were shut and she didn’t think to look in his eyes for signs of any drug use.
She took his comments all as part of his rapidly deteriorating mental state and it broke her heart. By the time she might have thought to check for anything like that the needle marks would be gone. “John, honey I’m going to get you something to help you get some rest okay? I have my bag and I want to give you a very mild sedative, please let me John.”
John was instantly agitated at the suggestion as his subconscious mind was vaguely aware he had been given a drug and he reacted vehemently and bolted upright in the bed. “NO! I’m not taking any drugs…you want to put me somewhere and lock me up, don’t you? I’m not crazy and you can’t make me go, Doc!” He started to get up and found he couldn’t stand because the drug he had been given made him very dizzy and he slumped back on the bed. He was almost out again and Marlena readied the needle hoping to administer it while he was half-asleep. As she drew it up his eyes flew open and were wide with fear when he saw the needle. He was transported to other times when someone was drawing a syringe filled with mind-alterring chemicals designed to force his mind to go blank or to make him give up some information. He screamed in fear as he was immersed in his distant past and the present all at the same time, “NOO! No more drugs! I’ll do whatever you say, just no more drugs, please!”
John started to pull away and he cringed as Marlena moved closer with the syringe and she tried to calm and reassure him that she wasn’t going to hurt him. “John, listen to me. I’m not going to hurt you and this is just a little something to help you sleep. I am going to help you and take care of you, please trust me, John.” It was all she could do not to fall apart to see him so thoroughly confused and disoriented with paranoia and hallucinations.
He tried not to be afraid, but the drug in his system was strong and made him paranoid even as he attempted to remember what had happened to make him feel such fear. “Doc, I’m….telling you something is terribly wrong, something…happened to me.” John struggled mightily to recall what it was. “I….remember someone was standing over me..and I felt…something prick my skin and then….nothing. After that I….saw them.” She wanted to believe him, but it didn’t make any more sense than the other two incidents he described. He had been found alone on the beach and reportedly seemed to be talking to himself soon after reaching semi-consciousness. Still, he did seem to be fighting the confusion to tell her what he felt was important. Marlena had to dismiss the thought as he was becoming agitated and started hallucinating again.
“No, Stefano you won’t ever touch her again!” A few minutes later it was something else. “There she is, Doc I see her. It’s Sarah and Rachel..they’re here see?” He pointed to a spot near her where he saw them standing. It was completely real to him and he did manage to get up this time. “I’ll save you this time, I promise!” Marlena let him go to see what he would do and John approached the spot and reached out as if to hold them and his arms were empty again. John collapsed and began to break down, “No, they’re gone! Somebody took them away and I’ll never be able to help them!”
There was silence as he battled his disoriented mind to return to reality and Marlena stood by letting it happen. It was excruciating to make him face it, but she had to know if he could accept that they were never there. “Oh, Doc what’s happening to me?” he cried out in utter despair. John couldn’t understand his condition, but he knew he was in deep trouble. “Please help me…OHHHHH!” He knelt down feeling defeated and the fear enveloped him and his body was wracked by powerful sobs. She went to him and held him until he went out and she wept with him in fear she might never see the man she loved again.
Marlena and the nurse were able to get him into the bed; she administered the sedative and then she kissed him on the forehead and said, “Don’t worry baby, you’re going to be allright. I’m going to make sure you get the help you need. ” Then she went to make the arrangements to take a small private jet back to Salem and she contacted a traveling nurses agency to find a nurse to make the trip with them. While she was gone and the nurse took a break someone slipped in to the room where John was sleeping and injected him yet again, not knowing Marlena had already given him a sedative. The combination would put him further into his apparent insanity and could cause serious medical complications. When Marlena returned John was breathing differently and it concerned her. She tried to rouse him and after several minutes he said, “Someone was here…I felt.. something….again. Please believe me!”
John was very upset and she wanted to believe him, but again it didn’t seem possible to her. He had been observed and she was only gone for a few minutes, she didn’t know that the nurse left him alone for a short period. She thought he was remembering that she had given him the sedative. So, she tried to placate him by saying, “Okay, honey we’ll check you out and make sure you’re allright. Just rest now, please and soon we will go home to Salem.”
“You don’t believe me! Oh, Doc please you have to believe me. Without that I’m lost!” He stared at her and implored her to accept what he was saying as truth and pursue it. She finally looked directly into his blue eyes and realized his pupils were constricted…like he was on opioids. She reached for his arms and looked at the veins there. There were no marks other than the one she had made and Marlena looked for other spots where he could have been injected, but found none. She let it go for the moment, thinking there was some other explanation.
“John, sweety you are under so much stress, please just try to relax and we’ll go home and figure all of this out, allright?”
He fell silent as he realized she just wasn’t going to believe him and he had no more strength to fight with her. Lying back in the bed, his mind drifted to far away times and places and memories mixed with the spinning muddled sensation and John’s spirit disappeared into the muck. A dazed expression appeared on his face and he spoke no more that night. Marlena was overcome with emotion and left the room again to cry her eyes out for the man she loved and all that might lay ahead for them both.
Chapter 28
Home Isn’t Always the Safest Place
Two days later they were back in Salem and John was staying home at the Penthouse with 24hr nursing care available. Marlena wanted to keep him out of a hospital setting if at all possible, though she was concerned about his safety and the children’s ability to handle seeing their father so obviously ill. The plan was that they would spend some time at home and some time with their *grandparents* the Brady’s. Unbeknownst to Marlena, the most recently scheduled nurse was on the payroll, just like Dan and his buddies down on the island. She kept the man on just enough of the opiod drug to keep him disoriented, confused, and paranoid with auditory and visual hallucinations. If he ever figured it out and tried to tell someone he thought he was being drugged it would seem to be a part of his growing delusional state. The problem was that the drug was addictive and he was quickly developing a tolerance to it. So, the dosage had to be increased or he would experience withdrawal symptoms and his psychiatrist wife would surely recognize that or notice the needle marks, though she was still finding hidden veins. The nurse called her bosses in a slight panic one morning as he was shaking and running a slight fever, complaining of nausea. She couldn’t let Marlena see him in this condition or she would have him taken to the hospital and the truth would be exposed. “We have to increase the dosage, he’s becoming addicted. It may become obvious soon, his wife is sharp and she knows what drug abuse looks like. I’m afraid we’re going to be found out if we keep the drugging up for long.” She listened for a moment and then felt guilt and sorrow for what she was ordered to do to this kind, vulnerable man. “Are you sure that’s what you want…you know he’salready confused enough and he really has no idea about what all his memories mean. Maybe we can just let it go at this and hope he never figures it out.” She stopped and answered, “Yes, sir I will follow your orders, I’m sorry sir. Yes, I will start on it right away. I’ll call the doctor and get what I need.”
Marlena needed to get away for just a few hours, the intensity of the situation was just too much for her and seeing John in his current state of mind made her feel helpless and almost hopeless. He seemed to be sinking deeper into mental illness by the minute and the periods where he was lucid were decreasing in frequency and the struggle for rational thought left him so….drained. She wanted to help him and she was giving him medication, but it didn’t seem to be changing anything for the better. In fact he seemed worse since they put him on it and he was quite dazed-looking most all of the time. Marlena had no idea he was on two different conflicting drugs. She kept telling herself that eventually he would see some benefit. However, the combination of the morphine and the antipsychotic drug could be deadly and certainly clouded the picture of what was happening with him. John continued to have some distant awareness that something wasn’t right, but the more of the two drugs he received, the less he could retain and comment upon. He couldn’t think clearly very often now and when he did there was often nobody to tell. John’s body would eventually tell it’s secrets as his mind had begun to do and hopefully it wouldn’t be too late.
The nurse went out for a short time on a regularly scheduled break while the nanny was there and met with the doctor who gave her all the of the supply she would need to make the man addicted in a less noticeable way than the injectible form of morphine. She would now use a pill form of a morphine related substance and slowly bump up the dosage with periods of brief withdrawal to build tolerance. It was a schedule designed to make it happen quickly, but not obviously to observers. Within a week or two he would be quite addicted. To most people it would just seem as though his mental collapse was in full force and the paranoia and hallucinations would continue to overwhelm his senses and shut down rational thought. As she returned and began the first phase the poor man woke up and said, “I don’t feel…good and I know something isn’t right…please get Doc for me. I need to talk to her.” He wassomewhat pleading, but calm at first. Then when she didn’t respond and continued preparing the medication for him which she told him was his regular medication, he started to become agitated and insisted on seeing his wife.
“I’m sorry, John. She has gone out to lunch and won’t be available for several hours. She really needs the break from all of this, don’t you think you can give her that much time away?” The nurse knew he felt bad about being sick and demanding so much of his wife’s time; feeling guilty but disappointed, he only nodded in response. Within a few minutes he forgot all about wanting to speak to Marlena as the drug took effect rapidly and his mind went blank again. He couldn’t even remember what he wanted to tell her. Carol felt bad about doing this to such a good person, but she was told it was necessary and she never questioned her orders to any great extent. When she was finished with her job she would chalk it up as part of her duty to her country.
Later that week, Marlena came in to see John after a long day busy with seeing patients and he was mumbling something about drugs and wanting to tell Doc. “John, honey what did you want to tell me?”
Her presence registered almost immediately. “Doc? Oh, baby I missed you so much today.” He was anxious to tell her what he thought, but didn’t think she would believe him. “Doc, listen to me and please give me a chance… I know I’ve had my…trouble with all the flashbacks but this is different, something else is very…. wrong with me.” He noticed the expression of doubt she wore as he spoke and beseeched her, “Please, it’s not just in my head. Marlena, I feel so….strange and….groggy most of the time…I think the nurse is…part of it. She gives me more medication than I’m supposed to take, I think.”
Marlena and John had been through several conversations of this kind and she was firmly convinced that it was all part of his mental collapse so she attempted to pacify him. “John, honey..I have changed the dosage and the times she gives it, that’s probably what you’ve noticed. It’s nothing to worry about and it may explain some of the strange feeling you’re describing.”
“No, that’s not it, Doc! I’m telling you something isn’t right and I think I’m being drugged….Please believe me, Marlena. Please!” If she didn’t listen he believed he was lost because he could feel himself slipping away, the lucid periods were becoming less frequent and he knew if he were being drugged it would get worse quickly. He thought he wasn’t strong enough to leave, but he decided that if she didn’t listen this time he would try this very night to get away and let his mind begin to clear, not knowing what that would mean.
“Oh, baby nobody is drugging you. You are on some medication to help with the hallucinations, remember? That is why the nurse is here in the first place. It’s going to be okay, you will start to get better soon, John.” Marlena was so worried about him and hoped she was right about that conclusion. She could see the pain and disappointment in his eyes as she answered him and it appeared to her that he finally gave up on trying to convince her about his theory.
Knowing his own wife didn’t believe in him cut him like a knife and he slumped back down on the couch where he was lying and silently committed himself to leaving that night no matter what pain and anguish it caused her. He simply had to find out if his assumption was true.
Chapter 29A
Glimpse of the Past
Roman Brady was sitting in the Brady Pub with a captive audience, telling stories of the danger and intrigue he was involved with while away for the past few years and getting reaquainted with everyone. Marlena was told he was in town by Caroline and she decided to stop in at the Pub, thinking he might be there. She wished John could be with her, by her side, but that was simply not possible. So, she took a couple of deep breaths and let them out before entering, telling herself it would be okay. He knows John and I are married and that it’s over between us and hopefully he’s gotten over the anger for the affair and moved on by now. A part of her so desperately wanted to believe he had done that and the other part knew he might still harbor some resentment toward her and John.
As she entered she glanced over at the commotion and her ex-husband was at the center of a crowd of family and friends laughing and telling stories and it warmed her heart to see his smile and the sound of his laughter. She had so loved it when he was happy this way and it had been such a long time now. Oh, Roman I have missed this side of you. She had some fleeting thoughts about what might have been if he had forgiven her and stayed with her after the affair was revealed. So many things would be different, the family together and happy and yet…no. ‘I love John and I would have had to deal with those feelings at some point anyway. There’s no point in asking what if…it’s done and your life is with John as it was meant to be, Marlena.’ Still, she couldn’t deny the effect seeing him had on her and her heart raced a little as she walked closer to the crowd gathered around him.
“Hello, Roman,” she said shyly. Then she waited for him to say something.
He stopped talking the second he heard the unmistakeable voice and smelled the perfume that had always made his body stir with passion for her. Roman turned to her and all eyes were on them, but they didn’t notice. “Hello, Doc….how are you?” He smiled weakly and looked away wondering what else to say and then couldn’t keep his gaze averted wanting to refresh the vision of her beauty that he kept in his heart. “I’m…fine,” she said, lying and putting a plastic smile on her face. She was far from fine, but he didn’t need to know that. “By the looks of things you’re quickly getting reaquainted with everyone here. You always did like to tell the stories of your adventures, didn’t you?”
He shrugged his shoulders and flashed his infectious and boyish grin at her. “Yea, I guess I did, and this is a great audience for me. They keep asking for more and there is a lot to tell, so I figured what the heck.”
“Well, don’t let me interrupt. Go right ahead, Roman.” She walked over to the bar where Caroline and Shawn were standing and enjoying the sight of their son smiling and apparently happy as well. She was a little uncomfortable approaching them now, but they had repeatedly told her and John that they forgave them for the affair and had even given the couple their blessing for the wedding. They were very supportive of John during the very rough period after he learned about the abuse he suffered as a child. Shawn was especially helpful to John when he felt so vulnerable, taking a lot of extra time and assuring him he didn’t think any differently of him. It helped John immensely to have his fatherly support. The older couple was smiling and greeted her warmly, “Hello, dear how are you holding up since you came back? How is John?” It was Caroline who was always so warm and loving when someone was troubled.
“Oh, Caroline, he is so…confused and it upsets him so much to think I’ve given up on him. He doesn’t understand what’s happening and he doesn’t want to take the medication I prescribed for him. He keeps saying he’s being drugged and I know that can’t be true. All he’s getting is what I specifially ordered for him. I don’t know what is going to happen next and I’m frightened for him.” She realized she was saying too much and apologized. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t be so negative when you’re trying to enjoy Roman being back home for a visit. He looks relatively happy doesn’t he?”
She smiled at her son in all his storytelling glory and said, “Yes he does, but Marlena there is nothing to apologize for. I asked because I love you both and Shawn and I have been so worried about you and all the pressure you’ve been under ever since you returned from the honeymoon. I’m so sorry about John, I hoped the vacation would help him a lot.” Caroline felt so bad for John and Marlena who had suffered more pain than most could even imagine in a lifetime.
“Yes, so did I Caroline. It did..at first and then he had that horrible memory of the young woman dying in his arms and that sent him over the edge completely. I wonder sometimes if he is ever going to come out of it at this rate. His paranoia and hallucinations seem to be getting worse when they should be going away by now. I don’t understand it, I’ve increased the dosage twice and he just seems to be dazed a good deal of the time.
She stopped for a moment, trying to keep it together as she had done fairly well up to this point and Caroline waited for her to continue. “Today he told me again that he thinks the nurse is giving him too much medication when I know she’s giving him exactly what I prescribed. Caroline, he is so hurt when I don’t believe him, he feels like I have given up on him and he wants to prove he isn’t sick.” She couldn’t help herself and broke down in tears right there at the bar and Caroline came around to help her get up and then they went upstairs to the living area.
Roman heard the sound of her sobbing, glanced back at her and his mother exiting the room, and he felt just a hint of remorse for his part in the pain she was feeling about John’s condition. “I’m sorry Doc. I had to do it, he deserves it for stealing you away and besides I can’t let him cause problems for the agencies. I’ll be here to comfort you though.” He said it to himself in his mind and wondered if he might find a way back into her heart if John never came out of his *insanity.* By now he had totally bought into the party line as far as the CIA and ISA were concerned and willingly helped in the plan to keep John from remembering his past association with them both. Roman had accidently learned the whole story about a year or so ago while doing some case research and was coerced into keeping his knowledge to himself and working with them. They visciously reminded him of what John had done to him by showing videotapes of John and Marlena’s wedding and honeymoon and that stirred his somewhat dormant feelings of jealousy and anger at the man for stealing the heart of the only woman Roman had ever really loved. After that he began to cooperate with the agencies and work to drive him over the edge and it appeared that his efforts were successfult hus far.
Chapter 30A
Confrontation Long Awaited
It was 2:00Am and the Black household was quiet, except for the one person who should have been resting comfortably. John was determined to leave no matter how difficult it was to stand up and walk out. First, he had to make sure the nurse was sleeping soundly, so he checked her room and she was out cold. Believing it was the only way for him to get the help he needed, he had to go and try to clear the drugs from his system, but if he had known how difficult that was going to be he might not go now. “I’m sorry, Doc but you wouldn’t believe me and get them to stop drugging me. I have to go so I can prove to you I’m not mentally ill and get my head cleared up.” He wanted to write a note so she wouldn’t worrytoo much, but couldn’t focus enough or stop his hand from shaking enoughto write one. Marlena thought she heard something out of the ordinary in her half-awakened state, but dismissed it and fell deeper into sleep quickly and he was gone into the night. When she awakened she would have no idea where her husband might be.
John knew he wasn’t able to drive so he didn’t even attempt it and had not been with it enough to even grab his wallet so he wandered the city with no ID or money. He forgot about the security people due to his impaired state and was being followed and when his drugged body gave out there would be someone to help or….. His own people followed as did the field agents and which got to him first was a toss-up. As it turned out there were two military specialists and one of them took out the person John hired and then joined his comrade. As John continued to walk his body was losing energy and the drugs were still strong in his system, but he had mild withdrawal symptoms as well and had to stop and rest awhile on a bench. In seconds he was being hit and roughly hustled by two men to a waiting car and transported to an abandoned building on the far edge of Salem where he would spend some time with some old…*friends* for a not so nice chat.
When he awakened, the darkness surrounded him and his foggy mind wouldn’t allow him to discern what had happened. He heard a familiar voice, but couldn’t place it immediately and he couldn’t respond for his mouth was taped shut. “Well, well sleeping beauty finally decided to wake up, how nice. How are you feeling old pal of mine? A little jittery maybe, stomach upset, headache..”
John groaned and then cried out as the tape was savagely ripped off his skin. “Ow!, what do you want?” It still didn’t quite register who was speaking and he couldn’t see the man because his eyes were covered by a blindfold. “Wondering what’s happening huh? A little confused and disoriented are you? tough break.” He laughed wickedly at the man’s obvious suffering. “If you’re a good boy I could be persuaded to give you a little something to take the edge off. You’re going to feel pretty rough in a couple more hours and you might need it.”
“Who are you and why are you doing this to me? What did I do?” He was in pain from the beginnings of withdrawal and had still had such difficulty with rational thought. The man turned to his partner and said derisively. “He wants to know what he did, can you believe the nerve of some people?” Then he looked down at the man on the floor and answered him with anger and bitterness. “What you did was betray my friendship, ruin my life and steal the only woman I have ever loved with my whole heart and soul. And, you were responsible for the deaths of a young woman and her unborn child. So, now it’s time for you to suffer like you deserve for the pain you caused us.”
Finally John knew who it was he heard speaking, it was Roman Brady. “Roman? You did all this? My God!” John was shocked and his heart sunk because whatever lay ahead was personally motivated and he knew it would be…unbearable. “Roman, I know you’re angry….I’m so sorry, but please don’t do this!”
“Oh, he says he’s sorry and he thinks that will make up for it. Does that make it better for you buddy?” He answered for his friend, “Nope, not good enough.” He suddenly kicked John in the gut forcefully and then said, “Now that’s a good start.” Roman stood back as John clutched his belly and tried to stifle a cry of pain and catch his breath again.
‘Oh, God help me,’ he asked his Lord in silent desperation as he wondered if he would make out of this cold, dark building alive. A few more harsh blows were administered and his two tormentors were satisfied that he was suffering enough for now so they let up and sat back to observe him. John found in hard to breathe and shifted his weight slightly to ease the pain in his back and ribs, but it didn’t help much. He called out through the pain, “Come on Roman, you know this isn’t…”
“Shut up, I didn’t tell you to speak to me!” He kicked John again and the man couldn’t stop himself from crying out in agony as the blow landed squarely on a kidney and he was still after that.
Dan was concerned that Roman was taking it way beyond what they were supposed to do and was making it too personal which would jeopardize their plans. “Hey, take it easy on him, we don’t want it to be too obvious he was beaten up or they’ll put the drugs and the beating together and start asking too many questions. You don’t want to mess up our plans do you?”
“Whoa, I don’t know what came over me..I didn’t mean to…kick him so hard or so much. I don’t know what just happened..He was fighting off a fierce headache and realized he might have seriously injured John which he hadn’t intended to do. “Man, I think I really hurt him bad.” He knelt down next to the unconscious man who was once a friend and felt for a pulse…it was faint and his breathing was ragged and barely visible. “Damm, I really didn’t mean to do that!”
“Well, we better give him one last dose of the drug, maybe it will ease his pain and we’ll have enough time to get out of town before the withdrawal starts. They’ll never connect you to it and nobody even knows about my involvement,” said Dan. He looked down at the man who was once his best friend and felt some regret about what they had already done to hurt him and for the agonizing process he was about to suffer through. I’m sorry, John. It seemed like you deserved to suffer, but tosee you like this… “Roman, maybe we should…get him a doctor or something..he doesn’t sound too good and what’s ahead for him….I don’t want him to die.”
“No, we can’t do that Dan. I don’t want him to die either and he won’t. He’s one tough guy..he survived hell like I did with Stefano and he’ll get through this too. But, we have to stop him from exposing the agencies..” Roman struggled to think of why he felt so strongly about that. In the past he wanted corruption to be exposed and what John knew was scandalous. Why would I support the agency if it was in the wrong? That thought was only present for a fleeting moment and then it was gone, the headache in its place. “No, let’s give him that one last dose and go. We should be good for at least 8-10 hours before the withdrawal begins again. With everything that’s happening to him he won’t be able to put any of his past together for a long time, if ever.”
Roman injected John with one last dose and then the two of them stood back and looked down at the man who was once their friend with some regret about their actions, but not enough to help him.
Chapter 31
Hell On Earth
John was staggering away from the location of his captivity and toward something, but had no idea what or where. His mind was clouded by all the medications he had been given within a 24 hour period and the encounters he had with people from his past. He couldn’t be sure if any of it really happened. The only thing he was sure of was the intense pain in his gut and back and the fire in his whole body from the substance with which he was being drugged. He was going to face excruciating withdrawal soon, that much he remembered from the taunting laughter he endured during his most recent captivity. He was about to go through hell without anyone to help him because he couldn’t make out where he was or how to get back home. He managed to get the blindfold off with much effort and then made his way from the dark building and out into the light which made his eyes burn and his vision blur. “Oh, Doc I need you. I wish I knew where in the hell I was so I could get home to you.”
He kept going as far as he could and then the pain and the aftereffects of the drugs caught up with him and he collapsed in some abandoned building to get out of the sunlight. Nobody would know where he was and he had no way to contact someone and he laid there on the cold concrete slab as he helplessly felt the withdrawal begin. First there was the seemingly endless sweating, shivering, and shaking. He felt so cold and had no way to warm himself and he whimpered unconsciously for someone to help him, with some vague sense that help would not come. John would go through this agony alone and he wondered if this was the way he would die and wished he could tell Marlena one last time how much he loved her.
Then after a long time came the terrible cramping in his abdomen.”Oh God help me!” Combined with having been kicked this part made him wish he could die. The cramps seemed to be all encompassing and he began to vomit and within a short period of time it was mostly dry heaves as he hadn’t eaten or had much liquid for many hours. He wailed with pain and the sounds of his own plaintiff cries echoed all around him in the dark abandoned building. This went on for a seemingly endless amount of time, cramping and heaving, as his body tried to rid itself of the toxic substance. The other muscles in his body went into spasms at random and there were times he believed the pain of it all would kill him. “Oh Lord, please let somebody find me here! I can’t go through this all alone. Please!” The flow of tears and his whimpering sobs were endless and he had no conscious control over them anymore than he did over the physical symptoms he suffered.
His heart was racing and his blood pressure sky high and it seemed he could feel his heartbeat pounding inside his head. Hyperglycemia and dehydration were beginning to set in as the time wore on and if he were not found soon these conditions could result in serious complications for him. John was unable to sleep and desperately wished he could to avoid the pain for just a little while. It felt like he would die soon, but this type of withdrawal does not cause death; it only causes severe discomfort which lasts for several days. If he were found he could be treated and the pain and intensity of the symptoms alleviated. He kept praying for someone to find him, but was losing hope quickly. It had been less than 24hours since he left the Penthouse, but it seemed like days to John as the suffering seemed to increase with each passing minute. “Why Doc, why didn’t you believe me?”
Back at the Penthouse Marlena was pacing and extremely worried for her husbands’ sanity and safety. Abe Carver was there as was Laura Horton and they were discussing John’s state of mind the night he disappeared. “Abe, he has insisted that someone was drugging him and I kept telling him that couldn’t be true. I placated him each time and I thought last night he finally accepted that his perception wasn’t real, but I guess he didn’t. I think he left to try and prove he isn’t mentally sick right now.”
“Marlena, I know it’s farfetched, but is there any possibility that he was right about it? When you think back, were there any signs at all that he was being drugged?” asked Laura.
She reviewed the days since the latest flashback and came to the same conclusion. She shook her head and said, “No, not that I can recall….oh, well I thought once that his pupils were oddly constricted, but I haven’t noticed it since. Every time he said something like that there was no way it could have happened as far as I could tell.” She said sadly, “No, I think it’s part of his paranoia and he hallucinated it happening because he can’t accept that he’s really sick right now.”
Abe shook his head too, “Oh, Marlena I hate that he’s having such a rough time of it. Do have any idea where he might go to hide and try to prove his theory? I don’t know where to start searching for him.”
She didn’t know what to tell him. If John wanted to hide he could do it and he was definitely fearful and would do all he could to avoid being found and made to face his illness. “No, Abe I really don’t. He won’t make it easy to find him, even in his confused state of mind. If he truly believes he’s being drugged he’ll do anything to keep from being brought back and made to take the medication.”
Abe gave her a reassuring hug and said, “I’ll find him, Marlena. Try not to worry too much. I’ll give you a call when I have some news.” He went quietly to the door and left her in the comfort of her friend and fellow psychiatrist.
“Oh, Laura I’m so afraid something is going to happen to him. He’s so confused and disoriented most of the time, he could get hurt or even lost and won’t be able to get help very easily. What am I going to do?” She broke down in tears as she thought of all the harm that could come to him in his impaired emotional state.
Laura held her and let her cry it out so that she could in his turmoil.”
John was extremely confused and turned his body away from her touch and then she saw it, several marks on his upper thighs, near the groin area. “John, I think I found something..please lie down and let me check it out allright?” John obeyed and laid back down flat on the bed to let her examine the area. He flinched at first and then trusted himself to her ministrations. Sure enough, to her trained eyes it was there, several needle tracks. Marlena turned him gently over onto his stomach and found several other sites on the backs of his legs. John had been repeatedly injected with some substance, presumably one which could cause the disturbing visual hallucinations he had. Although that discovery was very upsetting it was better than believing he was completely losing his mind. “John, I found something that looks like it could be needle marks and I am going to draw some blood and have it analyzed. I’m sorry for doubting you, honey. Just lie still and I’ll be back soon. John imagined that scene taking place a dozen times, but it never did. She didn’t believe him at all and tried to pacify him with some other explanation each time he mentioned the idea of his being drugged.
Even in his horrible suffering he felt so disappointed and hurt that she hadn’t even bothered to check the validity of his claim. Now he was all alone in the unbearable pain of withdrawal in some abandoned building where nobody would find him. “Doc why didn’t you help me? Please, God send someone to find me here. This is agony!” He continued to pray when lucid enough and screamed in the now approaching darkness that slowly crept over him as the sun began to set on his first day in hell. He would face his first night alone and in excruciating pain, lost and so utterly lonely. “Please someone help me!” he cried out and the sound reverberated all around him and he began to wail and moan again until he couldn’t even do that anymore. John was now silent in his pain and gave up hope of ever being found there, believing he would die this way.
Abe Carver took all of the anonymous tips that had come in from the hotline and sifted through them himself. One caught his eye…it was from a familiar homeless person who hung around the warehouse district outside of town. He had called in somewhat disjointed report of someone taking his place, someone who wouldn’t get up and leave and he wanted the police to make the man go away. The volunteer had passed it off as silly and didn’t pursue it, but as he read the brief description of the man mentioned by the vagrant, Abe had a strange sense that he should check it out. He didn’t want to call Marlena and get her hopes up,so he went alone. He prayed that his gut instinct about who that man was would come to be correct. Hang on buddy, help is on the way,” he said to the air.
Chapter 32
Lost and Found
It had been two full days, quickly approaching a third since John’s disappearance and Marlena was really beginning to worry about him. She continuously prayed for his safety and well-being. Abe hadn’t come up with anything concrete yet, but there had been a couple of promising leads about the warehouse district that he was still investigating and she tried to be hopeful about them. Maggie, Laura and Lexie took turns staying with her and the children spent a lot of time with Shawn and Caroline during the crisis as Marlena struggled to maintain some semblance of composure while worried out of her mind for John as more time passed without any word. She had a vague awareness that he was in trouble, but she couldn’t determine much more than that. The thoughts were quite cloudy and there was a feeling of great anguish.
Back in the warehouse, John was getting weaker by the minute. The pain continued unabated in his entire body as the cramps and now completely dry heaves intensified and the muscle spasms came more frequently with time. He had no tears left as he was very dehydrated by this point and his voice was nearly gone from calling out for help and from the pleading cries and whimpering sobs that escaped involuntarily from his mouth. He begged his Lord for help silently, ‘Please God, help me! Please let me die soon or allow someone to find me. This pain is more than I can bear, please I beg you!’ No answer seemed to come and he surrendered his mind and body to the excruciating pain he felt in his entire being and attempted to will himself to die. His body started shutting down systems slowly as he told himself he was dying and he simply laid there as the cramps and spasms controlled him completely. There was nothing else but the agonizing sensations in his body, all thoughts and emotions were leaving him rapidly except for the fear of greater pain and the anguish resulting from his suffering. He called out in his agony to his love in hopes maybe she would feel his anguished spirit and find him there, “DOC!!!!”
Abe Carver arrived in the other warehouse district outside Salem after doing a comprehensive search of most of the city, especially the waterfront and main warehouse district, and began to search every warehouse in the entire area.. He had a dozen men with him and it took several hours to do a thorough search. Finally, about 11:00Pm that night he was checking the last building with flashlight in hand; he was ready to leave when he heard some whimpering and moaning sounds as if someone were in pain. He shined the light all around and didn’t see anything at first and then over behind some machinery he spotted a prone figure and he approached cautiously. Abe gasped in horror as he rolled the person over, it was John and he looked to be on death’s door. There was the smell of vomit all around and the contents of his friend’s stomach were obviously all over his clothes. He was dirty, bloody, had obviously been sweating profusely as his clothes were soaked, his hair damp and matted; he was burning up with fever, his body a mass of cramps and trembling spasms and his pulse was almost nonexistent. “Oh my God! John!” He was horrified at what he saw and could only imagine what his friend had been suffering while Abe searched. He pulled out his cell phone, barely able to control his emotions enough to dial and speak clearly as he called 911 immediately. Then he called Marlena even as he did whatever his first aid training told him to do for someone in John’s condition.
Marlena was pacing anxiously, having sensed John was inserious trouble and needed her help desperately. She was willing the phone to ring when it did. “Marlena, I..found him. He…” Abe couldn’t keep the tears at bay and the fear touched his voice and he couldn’t speak.
“What is it, Abe?” She knew from the pause and the sound of fear in his voice that the news was bad.
“He…is sick, very sick. I’m no expert, but he seems to be going through drug withdrawal. Apparently, he was right all along, he was being drugged after all, Marlena.” Marlena was horrified and felt a jolt of fear strike powerfully, “Oh, My God Abe! How…is he?” She knew it could be a terrifying and extremely painful process, depending on the drug involved.
He wished he could reassure her, but he wouldn’t lie about it. “Oh, Marlena, he is in horrible shape. He was sweating and trembling a lot and seems to have terrible abdominal cramps and muscle spasms. He also seems to be very dehydrated and it looks like he has vomited up every bit of food and water in his system. He’s burning up with fever, I can’t get a response from him at all and I’m very much afraid for him, Marlena. Meet me at the hospital, the ambulance is on it’s way now.”
She prayed silently before responding to Abe. Oh, God! Help him, please!! Then she answered her friend, “Yes, Abe I’ll be right there!”
After hanging up with Marlena, Abe sat down on the cold floor of the warehouse building and held the hand of his good friend. He put his jacket under John’s head to provide some minimal comfort and then sat and spoke to him. “John, buddy you hang in there, help is on the way. We’re going to take care of you now and soon the pain will go away. When John cried out unconsciously in pain Abe spoke softly. “Shh, it’s okay, you’re going to be allright now my friend.” And when he shivered and trembled with the fever and spasms, Abe placed his arms around him and tried to calm the shaking and sooth him. It made Abe absolutely sick to think that all this time since John returned from the island he was being drugged and now whoever had been responsible left him here in an abandoned warehouse to go through this agonizing withdrawal all alone. “I am going to make whoever did this to you pay for their crime, John. I promise you that much!” Marlena felt like breaking down in tears, but she couldn’t do that now. John needed her more than ever before and she had to keep it together for him. She called Mike Horton and asked him to meet her in ER to evaluate and treat John with Methadone if it was an opiod like she now suspected. They needed approval for it from the high level administration and she would do anything to get it if John was addicted to a form of heroine or morphine. If he could be treated right away it was possible much of his excruciating pain could be relieved, but they needed to work fast to determine the remains of the substance in his system.
When John was brought in, even Mike was horrified at his condition and appearance. The man looked like death itself and had obviously been through hell while he was missing. Mike had his nurses draw blood for stat analysis to determine what drug he was withdrawing from so a proper treatment regimen could be designed and initiated. John was strong, but this was beyond the normal experience and he was whimpering and crying out in pain for someone to help him. Mike talked soothingly to him, “John, you’re in the hospital now and we are going to take good care of you. We will help with the terrible pain you’re feeling and get rid of those horrible spasms and cramps. Hang in there for just a little while longer and you will feel a lot better.” He held his friend’s hand and waited for the lab results to come in.
John couldn’t quite acknowledge what Abe or Mike had said, but it registered on some level and he felt immense relief to know he had been found and would be cared for now. The bitter agony would finally come to an end.
Marlena arrived and ran frantically into the ER entrance to see John. Mike and Abe were both there and each was holding a hand and trying to provide comfort to their friend. It touched her heart to think they had such good friends. “How’s he doing Mike?” she asked as she made her own assessment of his condition. As she heard him recount all the symptoms that had been observed she knew he had suffered unimaginable pain from the cramping and spasms, the sweating and shivering. She had seen patients go through this kind of withdrawal with medical assistance and it was very painful even so. Marlena couldn’t begin to think of how bad it was for him without any medication to take him off the substance slowly rather than abruptly. Marlena was overwhelmed with guilt because her unwillingness to give him the benefit of the doubt had led him to leave so he could find out the truth and clear the drug from his system, but he had no idea what that might entail. She did and she had left him only one choice. There were any number of times she could have drawn blood and at least investigated his claim, but she hadn’t and he suffered tremendously for it. It was so upsetting to see him in such pain all because she wouldn’t believe he could be right in his apparent mental collapse. With some IV fluids in his system, John was semi-conscious and calling out for her about that very issue, “Doc! I’m sick, they drugged me and now I’m in withdrawal.” Then some spasms hit and he screamed, “It hurts, Oh God it hurts so bad. Please do something, Doc!”
She looked up at Mike who said, “We’re still waiting on the test results to confirm which drug he is addicted to.” Then they would know how to treat him. “I’m sorry, I put a rush on it, but we can’t give him anything until we know for sure.”
Marlena smoothed the damp hair from his face and caressed his cheek and then said, “Baby, we have to wait just a little longer to know which drug you were on so we’ll know what to do for you. Can you hold on?”
It was so….excruciating, but since he had no choice he nodded and thanked God the relief from suffering would be soon. He laid there quietly until another whole body cramp hit and he double over and heaved again. His body was exhausted from two and a half days of this vicious routine and his abdomen hurt beyond measure. He tried to be strong and not cry out, but it was out of his control at this point. John cried out in pain and the sound pierced Marlena’s soul for she knew she could have prevented this tortuous experience if she had only believed him and done some simple bloodwork. “Oh, John I’m so sorry honey.” She took a damp cloth and washed his face, smoothed his damp matted hair back again and sat with him until the results came back.
He had a brief moment of concentration and asked through his pain, “Why, Doc? Why didn’t you believe me, why didn’t you look ?” John was still so hurt she hadn’t believed him or checked it out and he had suffered tremendously because of it.
“Oh, sweety I am so..sorry I didn’t believe what you said was true, that I didn’t check it out. I could have spared you this pain. I’m so sorry baby.” Marlena felt awful about it and tried to be soothing, but John couldn’t hear her answer as the pain intensified with more spasms and cramps and he cried out again. It was an ear piercing scream of total unremitting agony and it just about killed her to endure it with him, knowing she had contributed to his horrendous ordeal by not believing he could be right about being drugged.
Chapter 33
Blessed Relief
Marlena sat there in the Emergency room and looked at her husband and could now see just how much John had obviously suffered over the past three days and she felt sick herself to look at his dehydrated, and worn out body and his sweat-soaked, filthy clothes. He lapsed into an unconscious state shortly after the last time he cried out and she had a second chance to notice his appearance more closely. “Mike, I want a gown and a kit to clean him up.”
“I’ll send an aide right down with the clothes and she’ll give him a bed bath for you too.” “No, I want to do it, myself Mike. It’s the least I can do. After all, he wouldn’t be in this horrible condition if I had just listened to him, if I had simply given him the benefit of the doubt. Look at him! He’s just been through hell because I didn’t think what he said was even worth doing some lousy bloodwork!”
“Marlena, he wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself. Please don’t let guilt overshadow the fact that he was found and we can help him. He’s going to be allright in the long run, Marlena.” He put a hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze and then said, “Try to focus on that. I’ll be right back with everything you need and then we’ll give you some privacy.”
“Thank you, Mike. I appreciate what you said. It’s just really hard to see him suffering so much when I know it could have been prevented.”
“I know it’s difficult not to blame yourself for his pain. Listen, maybe the results will be back in by the time I get back here and we can start treatment. I’ll go check on it now and let you know.”
Abe had been standing by quietly since Marlena arrived and he stepped closer to the bed and put his hand on the back of her shoulder. “He’ll make it through this, Marlena. just like he’s made it through all the other crises, although I sure do wonder how he does it sometimes.”
She felt so horrible for John and she nodded her head as she said, “I do too, Abe. He has been under so much pressure since almost the day we were married and before that it was all the problems with Kristen and Stefano and it took us both so long to get past all of that. Sometimes I have to wonder why us, why John? I understand why he kept asking me if he deserved to suffer when he recovered the memory of abuse. To him it must seem like that’s all he does sometimes is go from one crisis to the next, from one painful experience to another. She couldn’t hold back her tears any longer and she said in anguish, “Oh, Abe this just isn’t fair, hasn’t he suffered enough in his life?” “More than enough for several lifetimes and so have you, Marlena. I don’t pretend to understand all of this, but I am thankful I found him when I did and that he is going to be treated soon. I was very worried when I found him.”
“Abe, I’m thankful for that too. I just wish I knew why someone would do this to another human being. To purposely get someone addicted to drugs and then let them go through withdrawal all alone, that is positively sick Abe. We have to find out who did this to him and make whoever it was pay severely. It makes me so…angry to think it was happening right in front of me and I didn’t see it!” Abe was quiet because he knew she needed to talk about what had happened and make some sense out of it. “Abe, he pleaded with me to believe him and he was so…hurt when I didn’t. He….started to pull away from me after that and I didn’t know what he was thinking or feeling at all any more and he just seemed so confused.” She squeezed her husband’s hand and said, “Oh, John, I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault! I should have believed you no matter what!” There was no response from him at all now, thankfully he was getting a few minutes reprieve from the cramps and spasms.
John was transferred into a private room and then it wasn’t long before Mike came back with the items Marlena had requested as well as a small cup filled with fruit juice. Abe had a puzzled look on his face and Mike smiled as he handed the cup to Marlena who said, “You know which drug it is, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do, it was a combination of morphine and heroine, so we can go ahead with the Methadone treatment regimen.” He had a cautious smile on his face as they both knew it was not going to be any miracle, one dose cure. Withdrawal was no picnic even with this substance to make it a little easier.
“Do you two mind filling a layman in on what’s in that cup, please?”
“Oh, yes, sorry Abe. Methadone is another drug similar to the ones he was addicted to that will allow him to come off of them more slowly and a lot less painfully than what he has already endured so far. He won’t have nearly as much pain, cramping, or spasms, etc. as he did. It won’t be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it won’t be excruciatingly painful like it was these past three days.”
“Good, because it was horrible to see him suffering so much, Mike.” Abe looked over at his friend and felt awful for him. “Whoever did this is going to face justice if it’s the last thing I do!”
Marlena wasn’t listening, she had gone on over and was trying to rouse her husband and wasn’t having a lot of luck with it. “Come on baby, wake up John! We have some medicine for you, honey. Come on back to me, John!”
John moaned, upset to be awakened when he finally had a second to doze off, something he hadn’t been able to do for almost three days straight. “What! What do you want from me? Please, don’t kick me anymore! I won’t tell them, I promise I won’t…” He was calling out again and cringing as if someone were hurting him. Marlena shook him to awaken him and he shouted, “No! Don’t do it again, please!” As he struggled to pull away from her grasp, his shirt buttons popped revealing the bare skin of his belly and she gasped at the sight. There were several deep bruises just below the rib cage all the way down to the beltline and it was obvious more was done than just the drugging. She and Mike began to examine him more thoroughly and noticed the ones on his lower back as well.
Mike said, “Well, this explains the lab results that showed traces of blood in his urine. It looks like he’s been kicked repeatedly. Marlena, I’m sorry I didn’t catch this earlier, but the drug withdrawal was so obvious. I’m very sorry, this could have been serious. No wonder it hurts him so much when the cramps and spasms come on. I’ll prescribe another nonaddictive pain medication to compliment the Methadone to help with this and we’ll send him down for a CT soon.”
“Oh, honey. What you’ve been through!” She tried to awaken him again so the treatment could begin. “John, please wake up, we can help you now.”
“Okay, okay I’m waking up,” he said irritably. “What’s going on?” John finally opened his eyes and saw three concerned faces staring at him. “Doc? What the hell happened to me?” he asked groggily. “Where am I?”
Marlena wanted to start the treatment right away so she said, “John, before we talk about all of that, please take this medication. It’s going to help with the withdrawal symptoms that were so horrible for you.”
“Medication, what kind of medication?” He was hesitant and pulled slightly away from her as he asked.
Mike chimed in, “John, it’s a drug that will help you with the painful symptoms you’ve suffered. Try to sit up and take it, allright?”
John nodded and struggled with the weakness and the pain in his abdomen which had taken the brunt of the suffering from his ordeal and found that he couldn’t sit up. “I can’t…I can’t, Mike.” Abe got on one side of him and Mike on the other and they helped him move to a sitting position while Marlena held the cup to his lips and he took the cup and with trembling hands managed to drink it down in gulps. The drug was mixed with juice as standard practice and to his dehydrated lips and mouth it tasted wonderful. Just that little exertion taxed his worn out body and he slumped back down afterward. “Man, am I wiped out!” he said feeling confused and completely exhausted. “What happened to me, exactly?”
“John, you’re in the hospital. What do you remember?” Marlena wanted to know what he recalled and they could help fill in gaps that they knew about.
He rubbed his eyes with the heals of his hands, working hard to remember and then said, “I….uh…. drugs.. yea, somebody drugged me right? I left….I was…..trying to figure out if it was true and I…. they took me….. someplace…. There were two of them. They…kicked me and I…passed out, I think. I’m not sure. I can’t remember anything else except…..pain, such incredible pain.” John was swiftly starting to feel the effects of the medication and he said, “I’m so tired, do you mind if we talk about this later? I think…..I’ll just.. rest a minute, okay?” The second his head hit the pillow again he was asleep. “Whew, thank God he can finally get some real sleep. He’ll probably be out for quite awhile. The medication lasts a good twelve hours and he’s completely exhausted from his ordeal.” Mike was satisfied to see his patient drop off to a peaceful sleep. “Now, if you still want to be the one to clean him up, Marlena here are the things you requested.” “Yes, I do. Thank you, Mike. Like I said before, it’s the least I can do for him.” After helping Marlena with lifting John up to take off his pants, Abe and Mike took their cue and left the couple alone. Mike put out a do not disturb sign to ensure others would respect their privacy as well.
Marlena took a moment to look at John as he slept. She watched the slow rise and fall of his nicely chisled chest and the finally peaceful expression on his face and wept softly with relief for him. It was very difficult to see him suffering earlier and now he was pain-free at least for several more hours. “Oh, John. I am so sorry for what you’ve suffered these past few months! I wish I could make all the pain and difficult memories go away for you.” After watching for a few moments more, she ran her hands gently over the bruised spots, again wishing to take away the pain resulting from those injuries. “Why would someone want to do this to you, John?” Since there were no answers to be found as yet, Marlena set about trying to wash the man she loved and she tenderly used the soap and washcloth to clean his body which had been through three days of hell. After that, she wanted to wash his hair, but she decided not to do it because she didn’t want to wake him up. So, she simply wet it a little and combed the tangles out the best she could. When she was satisfied that she had done enough to make him feel a little better when he woke up, she covered him with the blankets and just sat holding his hand for awhile, feeling very thankful to have him safe at last.
Chapter 34
This is No Picnic
It was going on ten hours since John was given the first dose of Methadone and John was starting to come around as the symptoms returned. Marlena had been sleeping in the chair and startled at the sound of his voice. “Doc?….how long have I been out?” “Oh, about ten hours, ever since Mike gave you the first dose of medication you needed to help you with the withdrawal symptoms.” Looking at him, he seemed somewhat better, at least not so dehydrated, but still so worn out from the three days of agonizing symptoms. His body was shaking slightly again and she saw him shiver too. “John, honey how are you feeling right now?”
“I….need some more..medicine Doc, the shaking, it’s starting again. Please, Marlena get me some more.” He was anxious about facing it all over again.
“Honey, I can’t do that, you aren’t due for the next dose until a couple more hours, sweety. It will be allright, you’ll see.”
“How would you know, did you go through what I just did? It’s starting again, Doc. See my hands…He held out his hands which were trembling noticeably now and the shivering was becoming more pronounced by the minute too. “Please, Doc don’t make me do it again, I can’t….go through that all over again, it hurts so….much! Please, Marlena!”
His eyes were pleading with her and she wanted to give in to him, but she knew she couldn’t. She took his trembling hand in hers and tried to reassure him, “Oh, John, I know this is so hard, but it won’t get as bad as it was before, I promise. Just hang in there for a little while longer and you’ll be due for the next dose before you know it.” The anger and frustration about the suffering earlier came out now and he said rather forcefully as he grasped her wrists, “No, I need it, now! Get it for me, now Doc or….I’ll go get it myself somehow!” Marlena was frightened and pulled anxiously out of his grip. Then John started to get out of the bed and found he had no strength yet, his body was still exhausted from his ordeal and he stayed there, feeling helpless again.
Mike came into the room just as John was making his statement =and making a move to get out of bed. “John, she won’t give you the drug before you’re due for it and nobody else will either. You could have hurt her just now, John! If you try to get up and leave here or make any threatening move like that again, we might have to….take some protective measures. I don’t want to do that, but we’ll do whatever is necessary to help you get through this withdrawal safely.”
John was hurt and frightened about what might be ahead for him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you Marlena.” Then, he turned to Mike with growing irritability, “Protective measures? You’re talking about restraints! Mike, you’re talking to me like I’m some drug addict, I didn’t do this to myself and I’m no addict, so don’t you treat me like that! If you put me in restraints, I’ll…I will get the best attorneys and I’ll sue you so fast…it’ll make your head spin!”
“John! You will do nothing of the kind. I know this is difficult, but there’s no need to threaten Mike. We are going to do everything we can to get you through this with the least discomfort possible and you have to trust Mike’s judgement. Allright?”
John was quite agitated from the withdrawal and still angry and hurt from what he had already suffered all alone. “Discomfort! That’s what you doctors call it? Right, that makes it sound like it’s no big deal, that’s what you always say, this won’t hurt a bit. Well, I would like to inform you two, this withdrawal…it’s not discomfort, it HURTS LIKE HELL!! I wanted to die, it was so bad! So, don’t think I don’t know when you’re sugar coating something for me!”
Mike and Marlena exchanged anxious glances and then Marlena said, “Honey, I need to check your lab results and talk with Mike for just a minute, you just lie back and rest a minute, okay?”
“No! I want you to talk about everything right here in front of me. You don’t have anything to hide, do you Doc?” His tone was so angry, agitated, his demeanor almost physically threatening and she was quite concerned about it.
She was calm in the face of his agitated baiting tone, “No, John we don’t have anything to hide. I was going to talk with Mike about how…..agitated you seem right now. It…concerns me, John.”
“Agitated, hell yes I’m agitated!” He swiped his hand at the pitcher of water that sat on the tray table in front of him, knocking it violently across the room and Marlena drew back and stepped away from the bed in fear which John hardly noticed. “I just spent three days in hell on earth! I’m withdrawing from some serious drugs that someone else gave me for some sick…..purpose and you two get to just sit back and watch me shaking and shivering, lying there helpless to stop it! And then you have the nerve to call it discomfort and say it’s okay, John it won’t be so bad this time. Well, you weren’t there with me and you didn’t go through it! Did you see the vomit all over me? Did you hear me when I cried out in agony and there was nobody there to help me? You weren’t there when my body was a mass of cramps and spasms I couldn’t control and that hurt so much I begged God to let me die!” John was breathing hard and almost out of control with the fear and anger. “Now get me that drug!!” he shouted as he pounded his hand on the table in front of him.
Marlena and Mike were more than concerned about him now. Marlena nodded at Mike who knew what she meant and snuck out of the room quietly while she tried to calm him. “No, John I wasn’t there for you when you needed me and I’m very sorry about that. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t believe you when you said you were being drugged, I could have helped you and prevented most of the the pain. I regret that very much.” “Do you know how much that hurt me, Marlena to know that my own wife didn’t believe me when I begged and pleaded with you? It felt like you were ripping my heart out Doc!” He was holding her wrists too tightly again, unaware of his strength.
“Oh, honey I’m so sorry, it just seemed like you were sick, baby. You were under so much pressure with all the memories and I thought…” ”
You thought I was going crazy, Doc. Admit it, you thought I had lost it and you wanted to lock me up in some psychiatric hospital and drug me into oblivion so I wouldn’t embarrass you!”
“Oh, John I know I hurt you and it was all so frightening and the withdrawal is painful and it’s making you very agitated, but you don’t have to insult me. You know it wasn’t because I was embarassed. I love you and I only wanted to help you get well, that’s all I cared about, John.” He was starting to hurt her now, so she said rather anxiously, “John, you’re hurting me, please let me go!”
The shaking was growing more pronounced and the cramping was beginning to return as well. The pain was increasing and he felt so angry, so out of control, but he didn’t want to hurt her and he released her quickly. “I’m sorry, Marlena, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize I was holding you so tight! This whole thing has me really angry and so…spooked. Who would want to do this to me?” He held his head tightly between his hands and said in frustration, “I….can’t remember who it was that had me in that warehouse, but I think I….knew them somehow. Why can’t I remember it?”
Mike came back into the room with a needle in his hand and said, “John, I have some more medication I want to give you, allright? It will help you calm down a little and get through the withdrawal a little easier.”
John cringed and shrunk back from Mike as he approached the bed. “No, I don’t want anything different…what is that anyway?”
“It’s a mild medication to help you with the agitation, that’s all John.”
“No! You just want to control me and make me sleep just because I’m a little angry! Well, I’m not going for it, leave me alone both of you! Get the hell out of here if you can’t give me the next dose of the Methadone! I don’t want you here watching me shake and shiver like I’m the evening’s entertainment or something. I’m going to leave anyway if you’re just going to drug me some more!”
Mike tried be reassuring, “John this is just going to help you relax and feel a little less upset about what is happening to your body during the withdrawal process. Please let me give it to you.” Both Mike and Marlena moved closer to his bed and he thought they were going to force this new drug on him. Fearful adrenaline surged through his body and he roughly forced his way through them, getting off the bed and he shouted, “No! You can’t make me take it, I won’t let anyone control me or my body anymore! You stay away from me, both of you! I’m going to leave here and you can’t stop me!!”
Marlena was truly worried for him now, his ordeal had obviously scarred him deeply this time. Three days of agonizing pain and fear had affected him and he was living out his terror with them and he was afraid of being hurt or drugged again. As she was trying to reassure him that nobody was trying to take control over him, three large male orderlies came into the room. Mike had asked them to stand by when he had gone out of the room as Marlena had tipped him off about the possible outcome of John’s increasing agitation. The orderlies surrounded John and he was absolutely petrified of what was going to happen next; he froze and stared at Marlena with an expression of pain and betrayal she had not seen since Kristen was exposed. But this was infinitely worse because it was Marlena, the person he trusted without any question whatsoever, the person whom he knew without a doubt would never do anything to betray him.
“Doc, what is this? What are you going to do to me?” He was so hurt and she didn’t answer right away because she didn’t want to upset him any further. “Marlena, what are they going to do?” His breathing was rapid and shallow, his eyes darted back and forth and he was shivering and shaking more with each passing minute.
“Honey, you need this medication and we…have to put you in restraints for your own safety. I’m sorry, John.”
John shook his head violently in fear. “No! NO! You can’t do this!” He balled his fists and said, “I’ll fight them!!” He prepared himself to fight and run, “Somebody might get hurt…you don’t want that do you?” The three strong young men started closing in on him and he realized that in his weakened state he couldn’t win in a physical struggle, so he pleaded with Marlena, “NO! Please, it’s just like with Stefano! Please don’t do it, Doc! I’ll calm down, I promise I will! Please don’t restrain me!” Mike and the three orderlies took a step closer, “Oh, please Doc, I’m begging you, you know what it does to me to be controlled like that, PLEASE!” His entire body was trembling with anxiety and she was moved by his intensity and she waved the others off.
“Allright, John we won’t do it now, but you have to try to calm down and follow Mike’s orders. I know this withdrawal is really painful and it makes you edgy and irritated, but if you get agitated and threatening again, we’ll have to do it, for your own safety as well as ours, okay?”
John nodded his head as he worked hard to calm the angerand agitation fueled by the withdrawal and the fear he felt from the whole ordeal he had suffered. “Okay, okay! I’ll do whatever you say and I won’t try to make you give me the medication before it’s due. I’ll be good Doc, I swear it, just please don’t restrain me!” Marlena pulled him into a firm hug and tried to soothe his shaking body and she spoke calmly and tenderly to him and finally she felt some of the tension in his body begin to fade away as she guided him back to the bed.
Chapter 35
High Anxiety
Total darkness surrounded the sleeping form of a man who was utterly exhausted from a long ordeal someone forced upon him. As he began to stir there was some resistance to movement. In a semi-conscious state he thought, ‘What is this, what’s wrong with me?’ Then as the man reaches a more fully awakened state he finds all movement quite difficult, yet he is still not completely aware of his new reality. Several attempts are made to sit up and as full consciousness arrives, a bloodcurdling scream pierces the quiet stillness of the halls of Salem’s University Hospital in the hours just before dawn. “NO! NO! LET ME GO!! Oh God, please help me!!”
Mike Horton, Abe Carver, and Marlena Evans exchanged concerned glances and Marlena sighed with a sense of exhaustion before saying, “Oh, I just don’t know if I have the strength for this you two.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t see him right away Marlena,” said Mike trying to help out with what was going to be a very rough time for all of them.
Abe agreed, wanting to support her, “Mike is right, he’s going to blame you and he might say some things he’ll regret later. Maybe you should let us go in first.”
She debated for a moment as another anguished scream disturbed the peaceful night. “Please Doc! You promised me you wouldn’t do this!! Let me go!!”
Marlena looked at her friends nervously and said, “Thanks for trying to make it easier, but I have to see him, he’ll never understand if I don’t face him.”
The other two nodded their heads and gestured for her to lead on as they went to face the fearful, agitated wrath of a strong man who had been pushed past his limit to endure without emotional trauma. As they entered, he shot angry daggers at them, and the sense of betrayal and rage he projected was fierce in his eyes and his voice as he yelled. “You betrayed me Doc!! You put me in restraints when you promised me you wouldn’t!” He struggled in vain against the straps that bound his feet and hands to the bed and held his body down around the mid-section. He had made the same fruitless attempt several times already and he was growing fatigued with the effort. He cried out with exteme frustration, “How could you do this to me, when you know what I’ve been through before? Marlena, how could you lie to me like that?” John was so hurt by her actions and so….frightened to be totally out of control and helpless again. It felt to him as if he were back with Stefano again.
“John, listen to me, we had no choice. You became agitated and aggressive a few hours ago and you cut yourself with a drinking glass and then you hit Mike. You became very threatening and we had to restrain you. You fought so hard it took a strong sedative and five men to get you into the bed and you got pretty banged up in the struggle. We’re sorry, but there was just no other way to keep you and everyone else safe, John.”
“No, I couldn’t have done all those things, Doc. I would never….” He saw the bruises on his friend’s face and he stopped in mid-sentence to apologize. “Oh, man Mike I’m really sorry, I don’t even remember what happened.”
“It’s okay, John,” he replied while absently rubbing his jaw. “It’s the drug withdrawal that is causing your anger and aggressiveness, but we can’t pretend it isn’t dangerous. Like Marlena said, we have no choice but to restrain you, John until the worst part of the withdrawal process passes.”
“What are you saying, Mike I have to stay like this for…more than a few hours…how long will it be?” He shook his head and said, “I can’t stay like this, please let me go!” His breathing was becoming very rapid and shallow again and it appeared as though he might hyperventilate. His anxiety was increasing with each passing second as being restrained and totally helpless brought back the terrifying memories and exact emotions he had experienced when he was held prisoner by Stefano and chained to the walls. “John, calm down, honey. Slow your breathing down and we’ll tell you what you need to know,”said Marlena softly.
John was becoming extremely anxious and was close to passing out, “Calm down! Doc, you know I can’t handle being so….helpless after what Stefano and my uncle did to me, so out of control…Oh God, Oh God! I can’t handle this anymore, please let me go!! PLEASE!!”
Marlena was quite concerned and moved to stroke his hair and his cheek, but he violently turned away in anger about what she had done to him. Even though he knew the reason it was difficult not to feel betrayed, she knew how it would make him feel to be so totally restrained. They had talked openly about the sense of violation and terror he experienced when Stefano held him hostage and the abuse he had suffered at the hands of his uncle too. That man had sometimes tied him to the bed to do his dirty work on John as a young boy and being strapped to the bed now brought back all those memories, all that trauma. He struggled against the bonds with extreme vigor, his body thrashing wildly and he broke out into a sweat and began to hyperventilate from the anxiety. “Let me out of this, please Doc! I’m begging you, please don’t make me stay like this!!” The breathing became so rapid, he was hardly exhaling at all.
“Get me the ambu bag, quickly he’s hyperventilating..he’s going to pass out!” Mike moved quickly, but not fast enough as John’s breathing became extremely rapid and he took in too much oxygen and passed out even as he fought the restraints. Just before lapsing into unconsciousness he looked at Marlena with an expression that held intense anxiety and such helpless rage toward her that she wondered if they would ever get past his pain about this experience when the withdrawal was finished.
“Oh, Mike, Abe there has to be some other way, here. He is so hurt by this, I’m sure it brings back all the memories of what Stefano did to him, being held in chains…I didn’t want to have to do this to him!” She broke down in tears for the suffering of the man she loved. “Oh, it’s all my fault, I should have believed in him, I should have known he was being drugged!”
Abe put his arm around her shoulder to comfort and said, “Marlena, that isn’t true, this is a crime and we are going to find the bastards who did this to John and they will pay for what they did, I promise you! It isn’t your fault, Marlena. The drugs and the voices he heard were all part of some masterplan to make John and you believe that he was losing his mind. Whoever did this doesn’t want John to get his memories back, they wanted him to end up in some psychiatric hospital drugged and given up for lost.” Marlena agreed though reluctantly, “You’re right, I know it, but I still should have believed in him and at least checked his blood or urine to see if there were any signs of a problem. I could have done that much for him.”
Mike chimed in as well, “Okay, maybe that’s true, but it doesn’t do any good now to do all this second-guessing. Let’s concentrate on how to help John get through this with the least possible amount of trauma physically and emotionally. What can we do to make this easier? He is so….anxious about being restrained, it must have been horrible to be held prisoner and he can’t help but be reminded of his captivity.”
“Mike, I don’t think there is anything we can do, trauma like this is something that never really leaves you, it just lies dormant until something brings it to the surface. John won’t be able to endure this without intense anxiety about it, without being transported back in his mind and emotions to his times as Stefano’s prisoner, not to mention what his uncle did to him. Truthfully, I think he’ll hyperventilate like this and pass out within a short period each time he awakens and comes to the full realization that he is completely restrained.”
Mike nodded in agreement as she spoke, “That worries me, if he does it enough times in a brief period he could suffer some complications from the frequent oxygen overload.” “Oh, Mike what are we going to do about this?” She was getting anxious herself about how to handle this situation and what to do for the man she loved, both physically and emotionally.
Abe had an idea and shared it, “This is going to sound so strange, but what if instead of leaving him in these four point restraints which is so traumatizing to him, we took him to the jail and let him come through the withdrawal in a jail cell. At least he could get up and walk around when he was agitated and he might smash his hands against the bars or walls, but he would be generally safe and so would everybody else.”
Mike and Marlena stared at each other with a “I can’t believe we didn’t think of doing something like this sooner” look on their faces and Marlena said, “Abe, you are absolutely brilliant!” and she kissed him on the cheek and hugged him tightly. “That is a perfect idea, but we don’t need the jail, we can have him go to one of the padded rooms up on the psych unit here at the hospital! I can’t believe we didn’t already do that with the unit right upstairs, we could have spared John most of the pain and anxiety he just went through.”
Mike left to make the arrangements to move John up to the psychiatric unit where he could be in a room where it was okay to get agitated, where neither he nor anyone else would be hurt when he did. It was perfect because he would no longer need to be held in restraints which was clearly intensely disturbing to John’s emotional state and therefore might interfere with his overall recovery from the drug withdrawal.
Chapter 36
The Pieces Begin to Come Together
Within half an hour John was tranferred into a room on the psychiatric unit of Salem’s University Hospital and everyone who loved him thought his recovery from the forced drug addiction was back on track. The hope was that he could get through the worst part of the withdrawal process in this padded room so that everyone could remain safe without having to restrain him which was so obviously disturbing to his emotional state. Unfortunately, someone in the news media managed to find out about what had happened to him, but didn’t get the story right. There was a man with a small video camera who had filmed his tirade earlier in the evening and then followed the gurney up to the unit and filmed him being put into one of the padded rooms. As they were finishing up with the transfer paperwork and charting, Lexie Carver came up to Mike, Abe and Marlena and said, “Come with me quickly, there is something you all have to see!” The four of them rushed down to the lounge to view the local news report. “NBC news 24 has actual film footage of the sad story of a once proud local businessman and philanthropist John Black! This special report is dedicated to telling the tragic story of his downward spiral into madness.” There was a collection of clips showing the episode in the park and the one at the college, a reporter was shown interviewing someone in disguise about the sexual abuse he had suffered as a boy and how it had traumatized him, which they all thought nobody really knew about except close friends and family members. In addition there was footage of his wornout, filthy body being wheeled into the hospital just after Abe found him. Then the broadcast showed the tapes of the episode after he was admitted. The story was told in such a way as to indicate not only mental illness, but drug abuse as well and it was targeted at ruining his reputation as a competent business owner and as a man in general. Whoever had leaked it and helped gather the film footage was purposely trying to ruin John’s life and credibility completely.
Marlena was distraught, “Oh My God! Who would do this? They are making it sound as if he has completely fallen apart into mental illness and drug abuse! They’re making it seem as if he has no control over his businesses or even his life! They’re trying to ruin him!” Marlena ran off in tears after seeing the report, the stress was just too much for her to handle at the moment.
Mike and Abe stood quietly for a couple of moments as Lexie went after Marlena to make sure she was okay. “Man, what is this world coming to? They didn’t even bother to get the story right, they just reported what somebody fed to them and now John’s reputation is going to be badly damaged by this report!” said Mike in disbelief.
“Well, I’d say that whoever put them up to it was probably all part of the plan to make both Marlena and John and everyone else around him believe he was collapsing into mental illness. This is just more of the same, only now it’s going to affect his businesses and all other aspects of his life and reputation. They want to keep him from remembering his past for some reason and whatever they can do to cause him problems, physically, emotionally or otherwise they’re going to do. They’re going to damage his credibility in the eyes of the public so that even if he does regain his memories it is highly likely that he won’t be believed if he goes public with what he recalls. These people are quite clever and very sophisticated and systematic in their attempts to destroy John.”
“Abe, who would want to do this to John? Do you have any idea why or who would go to such great lengths to do all of this to him?”
“If I were a betting man I would put my money on a government agency of one type or another. This smells of international involvement to me, maybe more than one entity, CIA, ISA, one of those agencies, maybe even some branch of our own military. The only people who would take this systematic, heartless approach would have to be the espionage types, but of course they’ll be an unsanctioned group so that if they get caught, nobody can be held responsible. Then the official government agency makes some lame apology, but no one pays any penalties and John suffers for nothing. There will be no justice here, Mike, even if we manage to stop whoever is responsible for hurting him so much.”
“This just makes me sick! He is in there right now in such agony and feeling so confused and traumatized by what has happened and they sit out there laughing at his suffering. But again I have to ask why, Abe?”
“Well, I think John must have worked for one or more of these agencies in his past that he doesn’t remember and whoever he worked for doesn’t want him to remember. I think it had something to do with Stefano to begin with…that whole idea of John being a priest when Stefano first took him has never really sat right with me and it strikes me as strangely coincidental that all the memory flashes and the threats started a short time after John killed Stefano in self-defense. It’s almost as if they were afraid he would start to regain his memories after that.”
“Hmm, that is so intriguing, Abe. So, you think he might have been working for some government entity either domestically or internationally when he was captured by Stefano and maybe they knew all along where he was and what was happening to him?”
“Exactly, Mike! It started to come together for me when Marlena told me what happened on the island…his memory of Stefano wanting to know something, other people’s lives being at stake if he told, and then the memory with the girl being killed because of some work John was doing…the pieces started to come together for me then and it probably would have for John too if it weren’t for the voices and the drugs. I think these people were running scared and had to force a memory to surface so they could put this plan to destroy him into operation.”
Mike was worried for his friend and patient. “Wow! If that’s true…what else might they try to do to him Abe? If they’re so set on preventing him from remembering… do you think they’d..kill him, Abe?”
Abe hadn’t wanted to face that possiblity yet. “I don’t know, I hope not, Mike. I really think that would be too messy for them except….Oh, no…”
“What Abe?”
“I just realized that they are trying to make a good case for this supposed mental collapse and they might…try to kill him and make it look like a drug overdose or suicide. They wouldn’t do it unless he was really close to exposing them, but I wouldn’t put it past them. They’ve already gotten him addicted to drugs and made it appear as if he were hearing voices just to make him seem crazy, how much further down the slippery slope is killing him?”
A scream made them jump, “No! No, don’t you say that Abe! That can’t happen to John!” It was Marlena who had heard them. Both men turned instantly toward the sound. ”
“Marlena, I’m sorry. We were just….speculating on who would do all this to John and…”
“And you think whoever it is will do whatever is necessary to stop him from regaining his memories, including murdering him! Oh, Abe what are we going to do? How can we protect him from these people when we don’t even know who they are?”
Abe sighed and answered her, “Marlena, I don’t know, but we are going to do everything we possibly can to keep him safe starting tonight. I am making sure that the 24hour protection is still in full force around him and you and the children too. There’s no telling what else they might do to keep their secrets. They have threatened you before and will do so again if they think he might remember something that could damage their cause, whatever that may be.”
As they were standing there discussing details of how to protect John and his family and then Abe was telling Marlena about his suspicions, a large group of reporters came running toward them. There were men and women with tape recorders, cameras, and microphones surrounding them within seconds. “Dr. Evans, Commander Carver, Dr. Horton are the stories of John Black’s mental collapse correct? When did he become addicted to heroine? How could such a proud man fall so far so quickly? How is the Brady family handling these startling revelations? What about the sexual abuse, is that true as well? And how is this affecting the children? How is the business community reacting to the news of his emotional collapse?”
Marlena was overwhelmed by all the questions and despite her best efforts the stress was just too much and she shouted at them and then broke down in tears and hurried into the doctor’s lounge. “Stop it! Stop it! Just leave us alone! My husband is such a good man and he is suffering terribly because of what someone else did to him, but none of you care in the least about that, all you want is a juicy story and film at eleven!
Chapter 37
More of the Same
John woke up alone, something they had wanted to avoid because he would be disoriented from the drug withdrawal and he was now in a different place yet again. “Doc! Where are you, Doc?” He was confused as he looked rapidly around the room and then realized he was no longer restrained, but instead was in padded room of some kind. He laid back for a minute and then it hit him where he was. He was locked into a room intended for a crazy person. “NO! NO!” he shouted while shaking his head as he anxiously tried the door which he knew would be locked. “Oh God, please let me get me out of here, I just want to go home!” John was extremely upset and he felt so completely out of control, but gave up on the door for the moment and laid back down on the bed. There was such intense frustration and a feeling of overwhelming helplessness during this whole ordeal he was suffering. “Dammit! whoever did this to me is gonna pay!! and I mean pay and pay and pay!!!!” John slammed his fists into the wall repeatedly as his anger was starting to boil now that the intensity of the physical symptoms of withdrawal was decreasing enough for his mind to hold coherent thoughts for more than a few seconds. When the burst of angry energy subsided he asked out loud, “Why can’t I remember what happened and who did this to me?” Who would want to cause me such agony? Stefano’s dead, I killed him myself so it can’t be him! Peter and Kristen are….nowhere to be found!! Maybe they’re involved somehow, but…that guy I cornered at the college obviously didn’t know who Blake was…who else could have it in for me so badly?? His head started to throb and another cramp doubled him up and those thoughts were gone again.
Marlena was still in the doctor’s lounge, sipping on decaffeinated coffee and talking to Abe, Mike and Laura while trying to calm her frazzled nerves. So much had happened to her and John since their wedding day four months ago now. Ever since they returned from the honeymoon it had been so stressful for them and she was beginning to think John was right, that they were just never going to have peace and safety in their lives. He had said that it seemed like something or someone from his past would always come back to haunt them and he sometimes indicated his belief that she would be better off without him. She had to admit to herself now that the thought had crossed her mind a few times, but she quickly dismissed it because that kind of thinking could destroy a marriage. No, she had taken the vows and she loved John more than ever and they would handle this crisis and continue to share their lives no matter what problems they faced along the way. That conviction could not be allowed to falter….John needed her now more than ever before and she couldn’t let him down, no matter how bad it got. Besides, none of what was happening to him or the two of them was really his fault. He was suffering terribly, probably because of some secrets he knew about who he worked for in the past and what he had done for them and what they had done to him and/or allowed to happen.
Marlena thought about everything he had been through since the wedding, ‘Oh, how I wish I could help you recover all the memories without causing more trauma, John. You have suffered such emotional turmoil….remembering being separated from your parents and feeling that it was because you were bad, then the abuse….the loss of people you cared deeply about, but can’t fully remember, the guilt you carry because of their deaths…the headaches..it’s all so..stressful and painful for you. And now this drugging…and withdrawal, I just wish I really knew what to do to help you with it all.’ She was snapped out of her thoughts by a hand on her upper arm shaking her gently. “What is it?” she asked whoever it was.
“Marlena it’s John, he woke up alone and he’s pretty upset about being locked in a padded room… he was…agitated and slamming his fists against the wall and then he started having some pretty painful cramps again. I think we should go see him and try to make him understand why we did it. Are you up for it?” asked Mike kindly.
She sighed wearily and nodded her head but her words were somewhat contradictory in nature. “No, I’m not, but we owe him that much. Oh, Mike how I wish this whole ordeal was over, I honestly don’t think any of us can handle several more days of this intense distress.”
The young doctor replied encouragingly, “Marlena, the worst of it will be over in another 24 hours or so and then he can go back to a regular room to ride it out. He’ll start feeling better fairly soon and then it will be easier for all of us too.”
She felt so weary and exasperated by the whole situation. “Oh, I hope you are right about that, Mike…and what about all this press?” She waved her hands to indicate the madhouse outside the lounge as she asked them, “How in the world are we going to shield him from the fact that such personal details about his life are being revealed all over the papers and television, from what is being done to his reputation, to his crediblity?”
Abe spoke up, “Marlena, we can only deal with one problem at a time. We’ll have to figure out a strategy to keep him in the dark about all that long enough for him to make a good start on his recovery from all of this first. After you go see him, why don’t you come back here and we’ll come up with a way to get rid of the media types and I will make all the arrangements for the extra security umbrella around him like we discussed earlier.”
She reached in for a hug and said, “Thank you, Abe and you too, Mike and Laura, you’ve been invaluable through all of this. I honestly don’t know how I would have made it without you all to help and support us since….the honeymoon when all of the memories started resurfacing.”
“You know we all love you and John and we will always be there for both of you,” said Laura supportively as she gave her friend a firm hug as well.
A few minutes later Mike, Laura and Marlena all arrived at John’s room and peered in the window at him. He was lying down now, an expression of pure frustration and rage on his face. He was clearly seething with anger at being so out of control, it hadn’t seemed to help much that he was no longer in restraints, though he didn’t appear anxious anymore. Marlena silently wondered which was worse, the anger or the anxiety. Neither was pleasant to endure as the object of his wrath for what was being done to him, how he was being….handled through the withdrawal process. She took a deep breath, held it…let it out and prepared to be blasted by her husband who was obviously upset about being locked up, another of his intense fears. She had to admit she dreaded that possibility herself and understood his frustration about it all. That was the worst thing that was ever done to her, being trapped somewhere …whether in the pit, that damm cage of Stefano’s or just a locked room. Marlena shuddered as those images returned briefly to her mind’s eye and then she entered to face what she knew would be her husband’s unbridled expression of emotions about his own captivity and the terrible ordeal of drug withdrawal he was experiencing.
Chapter 38
Out of the Darkness Into Chaos
As John began to come through the worst part of the withdrawal process he asked to be moved into a regular room. He and Marlena had a few long talks about his behavior during the thick of the withdrawal and he was beginning to understand why she had taken the actions she did, but they would have more to discuss later, that they both knew. This was an experience that would have longlasting effects on their relationship. After convincing her that he was no longer having difficulty with feeling agitated, somewhat reluctantly Marlena agreed to his request. Abe, Mike, Marlena, and Laura by consultation agreed that he should be shielded as long as possible from the intensive negative media blitz and they planned to take steps to insure that no radio, television, or newspaper would be left freely available to him. They had to find a way to keep the circus of media types hanging out in the hospital away from him and decided that he should be transferred into another facility if at all possible, but John wouldn’t agree and since he had been through so much pain and turmoil they arranged for him to transfer to a regular room at the same hospital for just a few more days. He would soon be able to go home and he couldn’t wait to get outside, to be away from beds and medications, all of it.
One late afternoon very soon after the first reports started to break about his situation, John was starting to feel more like himself, the withdrawal symptoms decreasing in intensity. He decided he wanted to catch up on the national news and asked the nurse to turn on the television for him. The nurse was not a regular nurse on this shift, but an agency fill-in who somehow was missed when it came to informing her of the attempts to shield her patient from the news reports of his downfall. She readily complied with his request and turned the TV to the NBC affiliate for the national news report. They were getting ready to cut to the local affiliate’s live broadcast from Salem when John focused his attention. He could have sworn he heard the reporter say his name in connection with the phrase descent into madness. But before it could register fully in his mind, Marlena came into the room and moved instantly toward the television to turn it off. She didn’t say a word to him before or directly after that action and John knew something was going on with her.
“Doc! Why did you do that? I was just getting ready to watch the news and get all caught up on all the news I’ve missed since this whole ordeal started. I need to get back in the land of the living you know?” He tried to make light of the situation, but she didn’t smile and seemed anxious.
“Oh, the news will just depress you, John…all that bad news. Let’s just focus on the good news of your recovery, John.” She didn’t sound too convincing to him.
“You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you, Doc?” She wouldn’t look at him so he knew for sure she was doing just that. “What is it, Marlena? What are you keeping from me, does it have anything to do with the news….that’s it isn’t it?” She still didn’t answer so he struggled to get out of bed and turn it on himself and was frustrated, knowing he was missing something. “Doc, turn it on now! I’m tired of being protected and controlled by you and everyone else!”
“Okay, John suit yourself.” She couldn’t argue with him and decided he had to learn it soon anyway, as he would be released from the hospital in a day or so.
She flipped it back on and his attention was captured immediately as that sentence was heard again. “Once again, we update you on the tragic story of Salem’s local hero and wealthy financier, John Black. It is a story of a descent into drug abuse and madness and our sympathies go out to his lovely wife Dr. Marlena Evans and the Brady family which has been his unofficial family since he learned he wasn’t Roman Brady several years ago. We go now to our live report out at Salem University Hospital.”
The scene was chaotic, reporters everywhere, as the young reporter began speaking, “Hello, this is Brian Bosco reporting live in front of Salem University Hospital. Word has it that John Black is still in seclusion while withdrawing from a heroine and morphine addiction. Some reports say he was forced into addiction by two as yet unknown perpetrators, but this has also been rumored to be an attempt to lend sympathy to his case. We are still investigating all these reports as they come along.”
Tom Brokaw then took the reins again saying, “Thank you, Brian…we’ll go back to the scene as the story warrants it. NBC newswill keep you well-informed as this story continues to break and in light of that we will show you those clips once again. Some of these scenes were filmed by cameramen from the Salem affiliate and some were collected from other sources—all are indicative of Mr. Black’s inner turmoil and his mental collapse.”
“Oh, My God!” John was stunned and watched in horror as several of his most traumatic memory flashbacks were aired for the country to see on national television. Next there was the audio tape of some of his conversations with Abe, Marlena and Kim about the sexual abuse he suffered as a child and his deep anguish about it. “Marlena, how could this happen? Oh, No! This is…terrible, Doc!”
Then came the footage of him being brought into the ER and the clip of him getting aggressive and agitated, needing to be restrained….. “So, there you have it…such a tragic story. One of Salem’s finest citizens, one of the last heroes, a man who saved his wife on numerous occasions from the evil clutches of Stefano Dimera and who gave large sums of money to many important charities….now slipping over the edge into insanity and drug abuse. We will continue to update you on this sad situation and hope he is able to recover someday, this country has lost so many of its heroes. This is Tom Brokaw signing off until tomorrow.”
When the report ended John was stunned and speechless for several minutes and then he said, “Well, I guess now I know why you didn’t want me to turn that on..” He held his head in his hands in frustration, ” Oh, My God Doc! My life is such a mess now! My reputation is completely shot, the whole country thinks I’m a drug addict and headed for the looney bin for the rest of my life.” He stopped for a minute considering all the ramifications of his situation. “What the hell am I gonna do now? Nobody will want to do any business with me at all and people on the streets are going to point and stare at me like I’m crazy. Oh, Man how did this happen?” John was still incredulous and quite distressed about it all. “How could they have gotten all that information, all those video and audio tapes?”
“John, we were trying to shield you from all of that as long as possible because of how upset you would become and you needed to concentrate on recovering from the drugs. Bo and Abe have been working on answering the question of who and why and Abe thinks it’s all being deliberately done by whoever it is that had you drugged. And he believes that the reason has to do with your past and that the people who don’t want you to remember it are the ones behind all of the problems you’re having.”
“What could I possibly know that would cause someone to totally destroy me like this? Who could it be?” As he thought about it only one name came to mind. John suddenly spoke again, “Peter Blake…what if he is part of it? What if this all part of some elaborate plan for revenge? It would be just like him, he learned from the mastermind himself.” “Well, that’s possible, but Abe thinks there is some sort of government agency involved. I think you should talk to him, honey if you’re needing to make some sense of what has happened. I’m sorry, John but the people who know and love you will never believe the reports, you know that, don’t you?”
He sighed and said, “Thanks for trying, Doc….but my life…is so..screwed up and I don’t think….Oh never mind..” John was quiet and feeling so demoralized by everything that had happened for several months now. “What’s the use in talking to Abe, anyway? I’m never gonnaremember all of it and even if I do, nobody will believe me now. They made sure of that. My credibility is trashed for good, Doc! That footage they have of my flashbacks, the audio about the abuse, me being put in restraints…Even if I do remember and try to go public and make someallegations of.. whatever, those clips will be played repeatedly to discredit my statements. Nobody will ever take me seriously. They’ve ruined me, Marlena! Whoever these people are they’re good at this, better than Dimera ever was at character assassination.”
She wanted to help, but knew there was really nothing she could say that would make him feel better at this point. “Oh, John I’m so sorry about all of this, about all that’s happened to you since we got married, it just isn’t fair! But, maybe when you fully recovered from the drugs we can go public with your side of the story. Abe and I, Mike and Laura, we will all back you completely.”
“Don’t you see, Marlena? They will just make it sound as if we’re trying to do damage control and it won’t be taken seriously. Nobody is going to believe I’m not the crazy, drug addicted guy they saw on all those videoclips. The story of a tragic descent into madness has already been imprinted in people’s minds. No matter what we do, that’s how they’ll see it, Doc. Maybe you should think about….”
She thought she could read his mind this time and held his shoulders firmly as she stared directly into his eyes. Then she said with conviction, “Don’t even think about separating from me, that isn’t an option, John!”
“But, Doc this could hurt you too, what about your reputation as a psychiatrist and the kids, they’re gonna get teased unmercifully about having a crazy, drug addicted father. I….can’t put you all through this, Marlena! Maybe you should.. cut your losses and get out before everything disintegrates completely or go out to Colorado to visit your folks until this blows over.”
“No, John! I am not leaving you, not even for a little while. You have just been through emotional and physical hell, almost since the day we got married and I’m staying by your side. We took wedding vows remember…for better for worse..well I meant mine and this is worse…I’m still here and I intend to stay, John! Do you understand me?” Again she made him look at her to drive the point home.
“Yes, I understand.” John smiled weakly at her and asked, “Did I tell you recently how terrific you are to me? Your love amazes me..I wouldn’t blame you in the least if you decided to bail out while you still can…with everything I’ve put you through.” He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed with exasperation, “Some newlywed period I gave you, huh?” John was becoming quite distressed again, but on Marlena’s behalf. “I’m so sorry for all of it, Doc! I just wanted to make you happy….that’s all, to bring you only joyful times and instead you’ve been under so much stress and worrying about me, practically since our wedding day. It’s all my fault, Marlena…I’m so sorry!” He sighed wearily and added sadly, “Sometimes it seems like all I have ever done is cause you pain!”
“Stop it, John! It is not your fault!! You have been a victim here, you have no responsibility for the pain we are all experiencing, John. So stop blaming yourself and accept that I love you just as much as I ever have and that I am not leaving you or giving up on our love!”
He took her tenderly in his arms and held her close in silence for a long time and then said with a strange sad smile on his face, “For better, for worse, huh?” John asked with little sarcastic chuckle, “Did you ever think of what that actually meant when you said it? Anyway, thank you, Doc. I love you beyond measure and I thank you for the love,patience and understanding you have for me in spite of all the grief I just gave you during the withdrawal and the pain that always seems to come our way. You are one amazing lady, Marlena Black!”
Chapter 39
Heading For Home
At last came the day John Black could go home and the discharge papers couldn’t be signed too soon as far as he was concerned. He had just been through the hell of someone’s purposeful act of terror against him and he could hardly wait to breathe in some fresh air and feel the grass under his feet again. It seemed like an eternity since he was able to enjoy those simple pleasures. He also missed the children terribly now; until recently he was too sick to miss them and everyone was in agreement that they should be shielded from the intensity of his symptoms. So they had been kept away for the entire week or so that he had been at the hospital.
While waiting for Marlena and Mike to come in and tell him he was a free man, Abe was out working on a diversion to lure the reporters away from the area near John’s room and actually the hospital in general so that his friends wouldn’t be hounded when they left. John, who was still worn out and recovering from his ordeal, dozed off briefly and dreamed about being drugged and about the withdrawal process, his mind still trying to determine who could have done such a cruel and hideous act of control. He remembered being in the park and then being dragged off and being put in a car, then the warehouse, two men taunting him and then kicking him repeatedly to unconsciousness, but who were they? He began to wake up and sat up quickly in bed as he did and expressed his frustration at not being able to remember who they were, “Dammit! Why can’t I remember?” he shouted to the empty room.
Marlena had picked that particular instance to return the room and said, “Well, hello to you too, sweetheart. Do you want to tell me what that was all about?”
“Oh, hi Doc sorry about that, I was just dreaming and trying to remember who it was that had me at the warehouse. I want to remember Marlena! I think my life as I know it depends on it and certainly our future. I can’t do anything about whoever is terrorizing me without that piece of the puzzle.”
“Relax, John and don’t try to force it, it’ll come when you’re ready.”
“Doc….would you please consider…putting me under..”
“Absolutely not!!
“But Doc..”
“NO!”
“Why?” John was desperate to regain the memory and he was determined to make her see it his way. “Marlena, these people, whoever they are. They’re obviously viscious, heartless people and they don’t care who they hurt. We are totally at their mercy until I can start to put some of these jumbled up fragments of memory together in a way that makes sense. I need this memory!”
She stood firm, “John, I won’t do it! You have been through too much trauma and I won’t risk putting you through more of it when you’ve just come out of that horrendous experience of forced drug addiction!”
“Fine! I’ll go to someone else for it!” John was so frustrated and feeling so out of control with his memories that he meant this, he would seek out another therapist if he had to do so.
He wasn’t looking at her now and she touched his arm to get his attention. “John, listen to me…not to the worried wife, but to Dr. Marlena Evans, the psychiatrist. I am giving you my best professional advice here, John. What just happened to you kept you from dealing with some very upsetting memories that had surfaced immediately beforehand. You need time to confront those memories again and work through them. If you go under hypnosis now…it could cause you to recover more traumatic memories. Frankly, I believe it would just be too much for you to handle right now. John, for now please let nature take its course.”
John was not happy, but didn’t want to argue any further and just nodded his head, saying, “Allright, Doc.” Then he decided to move on to more pleasant topics. “So, did you bring the kids with you? I have missed them so..much, Doc!”
She smiled and thought how nice it was not to be dealing with something serious for a change. “Yes, I did they’re waiting downstairs until Abe has things worked out and they have been talking about Daddy coming home all morning long, they have missed you terribly.”
“Can we take them to the park, Marlena I’m dying for some fresh air!”
“Well, I’m not sure, Mike said you should be taking it easy for several more days, the withdrawal took a lot out of you and you lost several pounds. How are you feeling today?”
He did a quick inventory and replied, “Well, generally good I guess..I’m just so ready to be outside, out of these four white walls. Come on let’s get out of here!” John actually started to climb out ofthe bed.
“John, wait we need to stay here until Abe and Mike come in to let us know the plan they’ve developed for us to avoid all the press and you haven’t been officially discharged from the hospital until he sends you out.”
“The press, I almost forgot about the fact that my life is a complete mess and my reputation is trashed. When I think of it all, it makes me feel like packing all our belongings and moving out to Wyoming or something, you know?”
Marlena laughed in spite of the intense frustration in his voice and said, “Well, from time to time that thought has occurred to me too, but can you see me living on a ranch somewhere in Wyoming?”
“Well, no…not actually…Then he started to laugh almost hysterically at the image of her in cowboy boots and a western dress and hat…”Oh, Doc…you look good in anything…but I just can’t…fathom the western look on you. Nah, scratch that escape fantasy we’ll just have to think of another one. Got any ideas?”
“Oh…a place on a secluded lake somewhere….within say 25 minutes of a booming metropolitan area with five shopping malls, theaters, restaurants, you know that sort of thing.”
“Sounds good to me, I mean it is a fantasy….might as well make it as convenient as possible. I say go for it, Doc.”
While they were being a little silly, Abe returned to the room and gave them the good news. “Well, we think we have a nice little diversion ready to go. Some of the security people you hired are going to stage an argument to give you just enough time to get out of the room and start down the stairs. From there you’ll be hustled into a waiting limosine with darkened windows. Are you ready?”
John stared in disbelief and then covered it and said with sarcasm to throw them off, “No, I thought I would just stay here a few more days like Mike wanted me to, you know the extra rest would probably do me good.” He laid back in the bed for effect and enjoyed the corresponding look of total disbelief on their faces.He sat back up in the bed, swung his legs to the floor and said, “Are you kidding? Of course I’m ready! Let’s get the hell out of here as fast as possible!”
Marlena, Mike and Abe chuckled at his playfulness and Abe said, “It’s good to have you back, buddy,” as he clapped John on the back.
“I second that,” said Marlena and Mike nodded and rubbed his still sore jaw and then said, “Yea and I third it….you really pack a mean punch, John. Please do me a favor, don’t ever take addictive drugs of any kind again, okay?”
“Uh….I won’t and that’s a fact!” he said smiling widely.
They all groaned at that phrase. “Ohhhh! you had to set him up for that didn’t you Mike?” asked Abe.=20 Marlena smiled warmly at her husband who was grinning and she shot a ‘what are you going to do with him?’ look to the others in the room. She got the last word saying, “I think we better get him out of here before he gets any sillier, let’s go!”
The four of them left the room and made it to the stairs as planned without incident. Mike said in parting while standing in the stairwell, “John, remember what I said…take it easy for a couple of days…your body needs more time to recuperate.. listen to it, please.”
“I’ll try, Mike but I’ve been cooped up for way too long and I want to have some fun this summer, you know play with the kids..stuff like that.”
Marlena looked at John and then back to Mike and said, “Don’t worry, Mike I will personally make sure he gets the rest he needs, or else!” The last two words made their impact as John’s jaw dropped at her tone and the expression on her face.
Some of the residual anger and frustration from his ordeal flared suddenly at even the mere suggestion she might try to controlhim, “Doc, I can take care of myself you know? I’m perfectly capable of deciding how much rest I need, I’m not some fragile piece of china that’s gonna break!” As he said it he went quickly down the stairs away from them.
“What was that all about?” asked Abe incredulously.
She sighed with emotional weariness, “Well, since this whole thing began, he’s been feeling so vulnerable and he wants to regain his position of strength. He feels like I’m always having to help him, to support him through some horrible memory or take care of him. Then there’s the whole issue of being so out of control with the memories, the drugs and the withdrawal process. The fact that we put him in restraints and in that room on the psych floor… it all really upset him…He wants to take back the control any way he can and I just pushed a button that reminded him of all of those issues.” Mike and Abe nodded their understanding and then Mike headed back out onto the floor while the other two followed John down to the parking garage where the limo was waiting. Abe had told the driver to pick up the children who were in the lobby with Laura Horton, so as soon as the others entered the vehicle, they were headed for home.
Chapter 40
Homecoming Surprises
John and Marlena entered the vehicle silently, not even making eye contact and John immediately focused his attention on Belle and Brady. “Hey you guys, Daddy sure did miss you!” He pulled them both into a warm embrace filled with all the love he had wanted to share with them for several weeks now, ever since the serious problems began while they were on vacation.
“Oh, Daddy we missed you too, a whole lot! Mommy said you were really sick and she wouldn’t let us come see you. What was wrong with you?”
“Yea, Daddy what can make you so sick?” asked Belle just as innocently. John looked briefly at Marlena then thought better of it. No, I am going to start making as many decisions as possible by myself again. “Well, guys…Daddy had some…medicine someone gave him and it wasn’t the right kind of medicine and it made me very very sick. I couldn’t eat or drink much and I vomited a lot. I felt real sad and angry inside about it and….Mommy thought it would be best if we waited until I was better to see you again.” As he said the last phrase he glanced over at her and gave her a look that said, I didn’t necessarily agree with that decision and I wish you would have allowed me to have more control of my own life. “Oh, well..we’re glad you feel better now, Daddy and we want to play with you again. Do you think maybe we can go to the park today?” asked Brady tentatively. Belle piped up again, “Pwease Daddy…we miss when you can’t swing us and push us on the merry-go-round!” Wishing to assert himself, John didn’t even look at Marlena before answering. “Of course we can sweetheart!”
He knew she wouldn’t be pleased with him, but he was so tired of his life being run by well-meaning others or people bent on destroying him. John was determined to take back the reigns as quickly as possible even if he made some mistakes regarding his recovery. Finally after the kids settled down a little, he glanced at her and he could see she was upset with his apparent disregard of or unwillingness to abide by Mike’s recommendation. She didn’t say anything, but she wanted to..that much was obvious from her expression.
Marlena looked over at John and knew basically what he was thinking and feeling and she also knew they still had a lot of unresolved issues to address when they were alone together. She wanted to thaw the ice that had swiftly developed between them when she made the little comment to Mike about making sure he rested enough after returning home. “John…honey.. I’m sorry about what I said earlier.”
John wouldn’t look at her, he was still smarting and embarassed that she would talk the way she did, as if she controlled everything about him, in front of their friends. He had been a position of weakness far too long in his mind. She had taken control of most of their life decisions ever since the traumatic memories had begun surfacing and John desperately needed to take back that control almost immediately.
Marlena leaned in close and whispered to him, “John, listen… I wasn’t trying to take control over you. Of course you can decide whether or not you need rest. I was just worried about you overdoing it; after everything you’ve been through these past few months, I am concerned about you.” John finally acknowledged her when she said, “John, please look at me!”
“Doc, I…know you’ve had to take charge of a lot of things and you’ve had to….take care of me…a lot, but I…need to take care of myself now. I need to find my own strength again and you need to begin to let go. The truth is there is so much we need to talk about, but for just a little while I’d like to enjoy the kids and feel good about being off the..medication and out of the hospital, okay?”
He hugged her for reassurance that the rift was fixable and then she said, “Okay, John I think that is a terrific idea…who knows what the day will bring for us?”
Belle and Brady snuggled up close to John for the rest of the limo ride home and all four members of the Black household were quiet. Soon, they were back at the Penthouse. As he stepped out into the fresh air he breathed it in deeply and it was a wonderful sensation, it had been entirely too long since he was able to be outdoors. “Oh, Doc you have no idea how good this feels..to be outside again..no drugs, no memory flashes..for just a few minutes..maybe to forget about it all. I want to be outside as much as possible..to play with the kids, feel the sun on my back…to have summer again!”
As he spoke she could see how very important it was to his well-being mentally and physically to have just what he described and she vowed to help him have as normal a summer as possible under the circumstances. “John, I can see how good this feels and how important it is to you. I will do whatever I can to help make it happen.
Just as they were about to go inside…two vans came racing toward them…full speed. They were televison station vans..from the NBC and ABC local affiliates. Before they could gather up the kids and get them inside they were almost surrounded by cameramen and reporters. It was all just a little too much for both of them and Marlena shouted, “Leave us alone!! Get out of here, you bloodthirsty… vultures!!” John tried to shelter her somewhat..and pulled her into a protective embrace and steeled himself for the onslaught of questions he couldn’t answer.
“Mr. Black..what do you have to say about your drug addiction, do you really expect us to believe it was forced upon you? Maybe the pressure of all the memory flashbacks was just too much for you or…learning about the sexual abuse. Tell us about all those flashbacks, like the one at the college, who was it that died in your arms…wasn’t there a baby killed because of some work you were involved with? What made you turn to heroine and morphine John?” There were these and many other aggressive, heartless questions he couldn’t answer easily with all that had happened..and he felt it all starting to close in on him again. Thankfully, some of the security personnel came rushing over and ushered the press people away and John scurried his family on in to the Penthouse. He was very shaken by it all as was Marlena who was trembling slightly and so were the children. John said quite intensely once they were inside, “Don’t worry, everything is going to be okay. Daddy is going to get all of his memories back and put an end to all of this…chaos around us! I promise you that!” Marlena saw the fierce determination in his face and the tension in his muscles and she was concerned about the underlying stress she saw there. He was going to push himself again and…try to force the memories to the surface. The last time he had done that was when he remembered being sexually abused by his uncle. He hadn’t ever really worked through the impact of that…plus all the other traumatic memories of pain and loss. There was such a long way to go…Oh, John I hope you are ready for all of this to start all over again. Who are you kidding Marlena? Are you ready for the flashbacks and his confusion and distress about it all? She turned to God in prayer. “Oh Lord, please help us all get through the next phase of this ordeal he’s facing,” she asked silently as she stared at John. “And, please just let us have a little while to enjoy being together again and have some fun with friends and family this summer.”
Within moments many of those friends and family members seemed topop out of the woodwork and said, “Welcome Home, John!” With that, all the worries had to be pushed into the background so they could enjoy him being home…off the drugs, no more agonizing pain. Thank the Lord for that much they thought to themselves as they focused their attention on the people who had planned this homecoming celebration.
Shawn and Caroline approached him and hugged him tightly, “Thank God you are allright, son. We were so worried about you…We love you so much!” said Caroline. She was still very worried for him as she saw the underlying strain of his months long ordeal was so obviously there underneath the smile.
“Yes, John…we…hope and pray that whoever is responsible for all the suffering you’ve been through these past months…that they’re going to pay for it!”
“Amen to that..said Abe Carver who just came in the door. I had to fight my way through the blasted press. I’m sorry, John we thought we had them fooled, but they must have found out you were discharged.. somehow.”
Finally John spoke, “It’s okay, partner…those vultures will find out anything eventually. We just have to…prove them all wrong..and then….I’m going to find the…sick people who caused all of it and I will, I swear it!” There was such tremendous frustration and anger…about everything, anger he couldn’t direct at the right source and he couldn’t wait until he had that chance. Whoever had drugged him, whoever was ultimately responsible for all the stress he was under and its effects on Marlena and their children. Those people better watch their backs…John vowed to make them suffer for it…and suffer a lot!
After a nice afternoon visiting with friends..the crowd started to trickle out, knowing John needed some rest and that the small family needed time together. Those remaining were only the closest of family and friends: Bradys’ and Hortons’ and a few others. John was so tired from his long ordeal that he fell asleep right in the middle of the party. He had leaned back for a minute while sitting on the couch next to Abe and Bo, they were discussing a strategy to smoke out the culprits and John closed his eyes for only a second, he thought. In an instant he was sleeping. Abe motioned for Marlena who glanced down at him and smiled…”He’s so tired, he’s been fighting it, saying he’s fine and here he falls asleep with a houseful of people…just leave him alone and we can help him get to bed a little later.” “He really does look beat..” Abe stared at his friend for a minute and then asked quietly, “Marlena…do you think…it’s ever going to be…really okay for him? I mean with all the…painful memories..the abuse..all of that. Is he ever…going to trulyheal from it all?”
She sighed, wishing she knew the answer. “You know, Abe I have been asking myself the same question. John has been under so much pressure ever since the honeymoon and even when he has some good times there is… such..tension and a dull but deep sadness…and a weariness behind his eyes…that I ache for him.”
“I know, I see it too. Sometimes when we’re talking…he seems to drift off somewhere and he gets this wounded look in his eyes..but he won’t open himself up completely to me and I feel awful for him.”
“Thanks for caring so much, Abe. He…really struggles to be strong and in control..this whole crisis has been so hard because he has needed me so much and had to rely on my support, my strength. Now, he’s going to want to close himself off and be strong on the outside because he wants to shield us and protect us from all of this bad press. I don’t know how to help him through it and I’m afraid.. he’s just going to cause more problems by handling it that way. Please, just be there for him Abe.” “Always, Marlena, always. You can count on me anytime..day or night I’m here for both of you.” Abe hugged her firmly to encourage her. “He’s going to make it through all of this madness and you two will still be together and the press issue will resolve itself eventually.” “I know, but sometimes I don’t think I have the strength to make it…. there is so much more to his past that we don’t know, so much pain. Somebody does….know, that much is clear. Abe, please work with John and Bo and figure out who it is that doesn’t want him to remember it, then maybe he can regain the past and begin to just move forward.”
Almost on cue they heard John mumbling in his sleep, he was dreaming. “No, no more drugs, please…No! Stop! Who are you? Why are you doing this to me?” Marlena didn’t want him to relive it all and moved to wake him, sitting down next to him.
As she gently shook him awake he sat up quickly, and it took a minute for the true reality to register, his eyes darting back and forth, his breathing rapid and shallow…”Doc? what…where…..Oh, I’m home…I’m off the drugs. That was just a dream, thank God!” John paused and took a deep breath..then let it out. His face had a slightly dazed and puzzled expression; then a growing certainty showed in his eyes. Suddenly he said firmly with a very angry tone, “I Remember!! I know who was in that warehouse with me, who it was that beat me and injected me with drugs! IT WAS ROMAN! ROMAN WAS THE ONE WHO DID THIS !!” John held his arms out showing them all a few needle tracks. His body shook with rage and if looks could kill…. the man that many of those remaining loved deeply would be dead already. There was a collective gasp that filled the room and then total silence.
Chapter 41
Shock and Disbelief
The silence was overwhelming and seemed to last forever, then there was much murmuring and the collective sense of disbelief was strongly expressed. Marlena thought quickly enough to ask the nanny, who had been home waiting and making arrangements for the party, to take Belle and Brady upstairs immediately. Shawn was the first to speak up after they were out of earshot, “No! Not Roman it couldn’t have been him, John!” Then Caroline said, “You were pretty sick, John maybe you are mistaken, honey. Those drugs did some strange things to your mind, you know.”
Next, Mickey made a damaging statement that set John on a difficult lonely course yet again. Mickey looked all around the room and pointed to both family’s and Abe and Lexie and then said, “I’m sorry John, but we all saw him get on a plane the night before you turned up missing. Almost everyone in this room was there at the airport, John…even Marlena. And a lot of us watched the plane take off.” John stared right through his wife, praying she would back him, but she didn’t say a word. Instead, she looked away from him, wishing not to have to face him now. Not wanting to confront the fact that she didn’t support him, he replied to the others, “I know what I went through and I know he was the one who forced it on me! John’s voice cracked as he recalled the experience, “He…. kicked me when I was already down on the ground …from the drugs…he kicked me over and over until I…passed out and then when he left I was just aware enough to know it was him and Dan..the guy who used to be my friend. Dan…held my arm and then Roman stuck the needle in it…and then they left me there…..to suffer! He was enraged, his breathing ragged and his body full of tension.
Marlena was still silent…then she touched his hand and said quietly, hoping he would listen to her, “Honey…Caroline is right, you were on some powerful drugs and you can’t trust what you remember from that time. He flinched and pulled his hand away as she tried to change his mind about what he knew was a fact. “Maybe….” John stood up off the couch and interrupted her angrily, “Maybe what..Doc? Maybe I dreamed it, maybe I hallucinated?” He was so hurt and angry about his whole hellish experience and he let the emotions flow freely, “That’s just great!! You didn’t believe me when I told you the voices were real or when I said I was being drugged and now you don’t believe me about Roman! FINE!!” He looked around the room to see if anyone was on what he perceived as being his side and when he didn’t he yelled, “I don’t care if nobody believes me, I’ll go it alone!! just like I had to do when you wouldn’t believe me about being drugged. I know you all think he’s a hero, but he’s not and I’m going to prove it! Roman beat me up and drugged me because he still hates me for taking Marlena away from him!” John raced to the door and left before the still shell-shocked group of family and friends could stop him.
Marlena hesitatedly briefly, then ran out and found he had already gone down in the elevator. She knew she would never catch him, so she reluctantly went back inside to face all their family and close friends. ‘Oh, John… I don’t know what to think anymore. I do love you, but our life together has been far from what I hoped it would be. I wonder sometimes if….No, Stop it, Marlena you can’t let yourself even think that way…you know where that can lead. It’s not his fault and this marriage is forever…it is!’ Slowly, she headed on in to the apartment..and said quite wearily, “Well, I obviously didn’t catch him. Abe, Bo do you think you could try to find him…he’s so upset..I’m worried about him.” ”
Sure, Marlena..we’ll go after him.. but he just needs to blow off a little steam. He’ll be okay and he’ll probably come back in a couple of hours when he’s cooled down.”
“Yea, I’m sure Abe’s right, but we’ll go looking anyway, Marlena,” Bo said reassuringly. They didn’t leave immediately because they wanted to talk about what had happened and find out what Marlena thought about it. Marlena said sadly, “I wish I knew what to do… this has all been so tough on him and he was so hurt and angry that we…..that I didn’t believe him about the drugs and now..this happens. I’m sure it makes him feel so all alone, like he must have felt through this whole long nightmare he’s been living in.”
Caroline and Shawn approached her, “Marlena…do you believe him now? Do you really think it could have been Roman in that warehouse with him or do you think he was…hallucinating?”
“I don’t know what to think, Caroline… The drugs he was on.. and the withdrawal can play tricks on the mind and God knows how much stress he’s been under..his mind could have manufactured a person to blame…I just don’t know!”
“Marlena, like Mickey said, we all saw Roman get on that plane and it took off while a lot of us were watching, how could it possibly have been Roman?” It was Maggie asking.
“Yes, and he called me the next morning from the hotel to let me know he was settled and I missed the call. I came in and called the hotel right back and he was right there in the room,” said Abe somewhat reluctantly, wanting to believe John, yet not wanting to think the worst of Roman either. “Well, I know it wasn’t Daddy! He would never do something like that, John is totally wrong and that’s all there is to it!” Sami was convinced of her father’s goodness and this accusation threatened to ruin her newly healed relationship with John.
“Sami’s right, I will never believe that Roman could do what John is accusing him of. It’s sickening that it even happened and I feel horrible for John, but I’ll never be convinced that my father had a part in it,” said Carrie firmly.
“On the other hand, John did seem to have a lot of details…like his other…friend being there and he was kicked several times, he had the bruises to prove it. Someone was there…we know that much for certain,” said Bo.
“Yes, but who was it? and how do we prove it?”asked Abe. John drove off in the Jeep and spun tires as he did so. ‘Dammit they don’t believe me, nobody believes me anymore! What did I do to make them stop trusting me, believing in me? Nothing! It’s all a setup John. Roman and whoever he’s working for have set it up to make you look bad publicly and for your own account of your experiences to be questionable in all aspects of your life..and they’ve done a fine job so far, haven’t they?’ He drove aimlessly for quite some time, a Hootie and the Blowfish song blared from the speakers, ignored…for a moment and then it sent him reeling…..
Time…..why you punish me…
Like a wave crashing on the shore You wash away my dreams….
Time….why you walk away
Like a friend with somewhere to go
You left me…crying….
Can you teach me about tomorrow
And all the pain and sorrow…running free
Cause tomorrow’s just another day
And I don’t believe in time Time…..I don’t understand…
Time’s wasting, time’s walking
You ain’t no friend of mine
And I don’t know where I’m going I think I’m out of my mind……
Time..you left me standing there….
Like a dream with the dawn you go
And you just left me there…
Time…the past..comes and goes
The future’s far away…life only lasts for one second
Can you teach me about tomorrow
And all the pain and sorrow…running free
Cause tomorrow’s just another day
And I don’t believe in time…
Time…..why you punish me?
The strains of the song penetrated his soul and haunted him, wouldn’t let go of the hold on his mind and emotions…. It sure feels like time is….against me. John drove around with no real purpose or direction….immersed in mystifying memories… eventually ending up at the loft…who knows why…there, but it was a place he felt safe. So he went up on the roof and just stood looking out over the city….focusing on something larger than life was good for him now. John turned to God for help, “God, you know what needs to happen, what’s best for everyone…please help me find out the truth about all of this and regain all of my memories so I can understand it all and then help me…move forward. Please give me the strength to handle what comes next, God. Nobody believes me, but I know what happened and it’s going to be so…hard knowing that not one person I love believes me, not even Marlena… Oh, how that….hurts! She…seems to have lost faith in me and I don’t understand why…. God, did I do some horrible things that I deserve to suffer so much? I’ve tried to be a good person and to make up for the pain I caused the Brady’s…is all this my punishment for breaking up a family and a marriage? I’m so sorry, Lord…I just loved her…that’s all. I loved her and I still do…so much. Please God…let us work this out together!”
John stood quietly staring out over the city and then suddenly the anger and immense frustration of being tormented by the past and out of control overwhelmed him and he shouted out, “I am not quitting, I am going to fight you, whoever you are!! Do you hear me? JOHN BLACK DOESN’T GIVE UP!! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO TO ME, I WILL BEAT YOU! “I’m going to get all of my memories back and even if I do have to fight this thing all alone, I’m gonna win,” he said more quietly, trying to convince himself that he felt as confidant as he sounded. He realized that he wasn’t alone now and he turned around at the sound of footsteps, ready for a fight if necessary. It was Marlena, who sensed where he might be, “John, you are not alone… I love you and I will always be by your side, always…John.” John responded bitterly…still hurting from her lack of support at the Penthouse, “Yea…..sure you will, only you don’t believe in me anymore…you’ll stay because you took the vows, but you aren’t happy are you?” He hadn’t been looking at her and now he stared right at her and asked again, rather intensely, “Are you?”
“Don’t you take that tone with me, John. I have been there for you through everything and you know that I love you!”
“Tell me something, Marlena….what does that mean if you don’t believe in what I say, if you always question my account of what happens to me? Do you know how much that…hurts me?” Tears were forming and he fought them back, desperately trying to keep his emotions under control, something he needed to do if he was going to take down whomever was causing all the turmoil.
“Honey…it’s not that I don’t believe you.. it’s just that…you’ve been under so much pressure and…” Everything that had happened, all the memories and his recent nightmare of forced addiction and withdrawal caused him so much pain and his worst fears came out mixed with anger and frustration. John walked away from her and used his hands to emphasize his point, “Here we go again, poor John..he’s so stressed out, his mind just can’t handle things…I better take care of him… it’s so bad that I can’t believe anything he says… I sure wish I didn’t marry him… Is that what you’re thinking?” John turned back to her and his voice softened making him sound very vulnerable all of a sudden, “Come on, admit it Doc…you’re sorry you ever married me aren’t you?” The tears started falling despite his best efforts to hold them back and he looked down toward the ground, afraid of the answer she might give.
She stepped closer, reached up to wipe some tears away and tipped his face back up so their eyes met. “Oh, John…no, that’s not what I’m thinking at all. Honey… I’m not sorry I married you and I do believe in you. You know I do, please don’t do this.”
“I….can’t help it, Doc.. it seems like nobody believes in me anymore and I…feel so…alone! I need you, Marlena, I need you to believe in me…without that…I’m lost!”
Marlena took him in her arms and tried to reassure him…”I do believe in you, I never stopped, baby… trust in me and in our love, John. It’s going to be okay, I promise you it will.”
“But you don’t believe me about Roman… why can’t you just trust what I say? Why can’t you support me by believing me?” “John, it’s….not that simple and you know it. So much has happened for you in the past few months and those weeks when you were drugged and then when you began to experience the withdrawal symptoms…it affected your mind, John. You did hallucinate and your thoughts were often…cloudy at best. Honey, your mind wanted to have someone to blame and you could have …manufactured this idea that Roman was the one.”
Anger flared again, “No! That is not what happened, Doc! I…KNOW that it was Roman and Dan in that warehouse, they kicked me and taunted me about the drugs and then gave me one last dose so they would have time to get out of town before the serious withdrawal started. I heard them, talking about it, Marlena..but if you can’t find it within yourself to believe I’m right, then I am going this alone. I am going to prove the truth of what happened to me whether you support me or not!”
She didn’t answer right away, still not knowing what conclusion to draw. John seemed so completely sure of the events and who was there, but still… Roman, beating and drugging someone… knowing how much she loved John. She found it so hard to believe he would ever do something so…cruel and hurtful..to the man she married. “I don’t know what to say, John. I still question the validity of your experience because of the drugs and it’s nearly impossible for me to believe that Roman could commit such a hideous act of terror against you…all because he was angry about the affair. Why, after all this time has passed…why now, John?”
He didn’t have an answer for her and said so, “I don’t know, Doc! I just know what I suffered.” John wasn’t able to shake off the images and the emotions he endured during his intense suffering. The sense of helplessness and frustration was evident as he said, “Marlena, the pain was…excruciating! I swear to you, it was Roman who gave me that last injection..and when I prove it…I’m going to….”
She felt fear for both of them, whether it was true or not.. She had often wondered if there would ever be a major confrontation and and this could be the catalyst to revive all the unresolved issues between the two men she loved most in her life. “What, John? Do you want to take revenge against him?” He actually had to think about that one and fight his vengeful instincts, “Well, no, maybe…hell I don’t know, but I know I won’t quit until I prove he was the one in the warehouse with me.”
Sensing there was more he wanted to say, Marlena didn’t reply again.. John was silent for a long while, having gone back to the edge of the roof to look over the city once more..thinking.”You know all I ever wanted to do was to make you happy and to have a normal life with you and the kids, Marlena. I thought that when Kristen was exposed and we worked through it all, and then when Stefano was killed, I really thought that we would finally have a chance at it. Why can’t we?” He had been speaking quietly, but now deep anguish touched his voice, “I don’t understand, what did I do that is so bad? I’ve tried to be good…I know I hurt people….you, Roman…the kids, but I tried to make up for it…” His emotions got the best of him and he cried out, “Oh, Doc, when will all the pain and confusion stop? I don’t think I can take much more of this, it’s so hard!”
“Oh sweety, you know it isn’t because you’re bad and I wish I could make it stop and I wonder why you, why us, sometimes too, but you can handle it, John. You are the strongest man I have ever known and we will get through whatever lies ahead …together! I will be with you every step of the way, John!”
She pulled him to her and once in her arms he said anxiously, “I need you so much, Doc! I love you and…I don’t think I can make it without you!” Marlena continued to hold him and stroke his hair as she said, “Well, you don’t have to try, John. I am here for the long haul. We are together forever, for better for worse….always, John.”
He kissed her fiercely and then picked her up and took her down the stairs and back inside the loft. “I love you so much, Marlena!” Sheresponded powerfully to the kiss, it had been weeks since they had been together this way and one taste set them on fire again.. “Oh, John.. I’ve missed you! Make love to me, John.”
He deepened the kiss as he carried her up the stairs to the bedroom. He had left everything there, so much had happened so quickly. “I have missed you too, even when I was so sick, I needed to be with you, Doc!”
“Love me….John just love me, that’s all we need. I want to show you how much I still love you.” Marlena started to undress him and run her hands through his hair while kissing him powerfully…her tongue chasing his around his mouth and she could feel him responding, his desire building quickly.
“Oh, Marlena. I need you, I want you so badly…. Ohhh..” His kisses deepened and he took off her blouse and bra very quickly and tenderly kissed the soft warm skin underneath… Then he moved to kiss the hollow of her neck and felt his desire begin to burn out of control as she responded by arching her neck. He moved to take off her pants as she did the same for him..both were aching to get closer…to merge into one flesh. “John…oh, John… ohhh I want you too..I love you, I love you!” He was touching her thighs and running his hands tenderly up and down…and she felt her desire building in waves, taking her higher with each caressing touch.
John pressed his body weight down on her and they both moaned with desire as they moved closer…their bodies sharing the rhythm of love.completely in tune with each other. “I love you, Marlena! Ohhhh, Doc…I lose myself in you when we love..” They were united in their rising desire as he moved his body repeatedly up and down over hers and their synchronized movement was swiftly taking them to another place…a place they could only find together. “It’s the same for me, John.. I love you so much, baby!
Within minutes they were enveloped in the throws of their over-whelming passion for each other, the passion that never died. It was always simmering there….just below the surface. In good times and bad, they would always want and need each other, that was a solid truth that had never changed in all the years. John and Marlena lost themselves in it, shutting out all the pain….everything else disappeared into the fiery hot desire of their lovemaking, allowing the two to become one….for a moment out of time.
Chapter 42
Deep-Seated Insecurities
Marlena was awake, having taken a shower already and she went downstairs to make some coffee which she knew would still be there and she was beginning to get hungry, but she didn’t want to wake John. ‘He has been under so much stress and pressure…he really needs the sleep,’ she thought. It was late afternoon and they had been at the loft since late morning. After calling the Penthouse for the second time since she found John, she resolved to wait for him to wake up on his own. If she left him to get some food, he might be worried about her, even though there were still hired security people watching them. As she relaxed on the couch she heard him crying out, “No, don’t do this, please.. No more drugs, please!” By the time she reached his bedside he was on to another part of the dream and he was in obvious anguish. In his mind he was calling out to her retreating form, “No, don’t leave me, Doc! Please don’t leave me, I love you, it’s not my fault, no please Marlena, don’t go!” He was distraught and actually reached out his hands as if to hold on to her love. Marlena woke him quickly and he sat up and it took a moment for him to clear his head and then he pulled her into an intense embrace. “Oh, Doc! Please tell me that isn’t going to happen! ”
“Honey… tell me about your dream… I can see how upset you are.”
Feeling the emotions evoked by the dream, his worst fear was evident as he recounted it, “They got me addicted again and you didn’tbelieve me.. Then, you were leaving me to go back to Roman. You said I didn’t make you happy like he did and you decided you believed in him and loved him more than me. I was begging you to stay and you wouldn’teven look at me.” He couldn’t shake the images and felt suddenly very insecure in her love.
“John, please listen to me and believe me. That was just a dream, you know that I love you, only you, with all my heart and I am not going back to Roman, ever. I understand why with everything that’shappened how you might be feeling a little shaky about us right now, but please don’t doubt my love or my commitment to you. We both have to believe in the strength of our marriage, John and we can get through anything that comes our way, your past, whoever it is that doesn’t want you to remember it, this thing about Roman…anything…”
Tears formed behind his eyes as he told her something he had vowed to keep to himself, “Marlena, I want to believe that, but I saw you and I heard what you said to Abe and Mike sometimes at the hospital when you didn’t think I was aware.” His voice started trembling as he looked away from her and then he opened himself up, “I… heard you…say that you…weren’t really happy and you wondered if we could survive all the pressure and I could see your disappointment when you looked at me after I got so agitated from the withdrawal.” The tears threatened to fall as he apologized for the rough start to their marriage, “I’m sorry I haven’t given you the happiness you deserve Doc, but I love you so much and I’ll try…harder to control the memories and keep my past from hurting us, to make you happy, I promise I will.”
Marlena felt tears well up in her eyes for his pain and she reached out to put her hand on his cheek as she said, “Oh, honey….I’m sorry for how that must have sounded to you. I never meant to say that I didn’t want to be married to you and I wasn’t disappointed in you, I was hurting for you. I was worried and feeling so guilty for not believing in you.” She paused for a moment and then admitted, “John, I won’t lie to you, this has been a very difficult period, but my love for you has never faltered, I know that what is happening is not your fault at all. You have just been through hell and I know it has really shaken you up….all of it, but I don’t want you to have any doubts about me and our love. We are forever, John!” She pulled him close again and held him for a long time, wanting him to fully accept the truth of her words and feelings for him. “I love you, John and nothing will ever change that!”
“Oh, Marlena I need you so much, thank you for staying with me through all of this madness.”
“We said it was for the rest of our lives, John and we both meant it!”
“Yes we did, Doc! Yes we did.” He was still holding on to her for dear life, there had been so much turmoil for so long now and he knew he had relied on her more than ever before; just the smallest hintthat she might leave him was overwhelming to him at this point. After he seemed to calm down, Marlena decided it was time to lighten the mood and asked, “So, are you hungry my dear?”
John thought for a second and then responded, “Well, that depends on who is doing the cooking my dear wife. If we are talking about a restaurant I say yes.” He winked and then jumped off the bed and headed quickly down the stairs to avoid her wrath.
“John, I don’t know how it is that you manage to do that, but you are very good at slamming my cooking without saying anything directly about it. I’m gonna get you, so be prepared!” Marlena said all that as she raced down the stairs to catch him. She glanced around as she descended but didn’t see him. Suddenly she felt herself falling and she screamed, but found it wasn’t necessary when she looked up to see his smiling face. “I gotcha, Doc… and I’m gonna keep you!”
Winking seductively she replied, “Oh, I have always wanted to be a kept woman, John.”
He returned the wink, “Here’s your big chance….baby. Now, what do you say to going back to the Penthouse with some food and eat with the kids? I’ve really missed them Doc. I’ve been so…messed up for so long I…feel like…” John stopped, not wanting to dwell on the negatives and made a move toward the door. “Oh never mind, let’s go…”
“No, let’s not never mind… what were you going to say, John?” She knew he was feeling insecure about so many aspects of his life with all of the stress he had experienced in the past three months. “Come on honey, no secrets remember, honesty at all times… tell me.”
It was so painful, but she was right, they promised. “Okay, Marlena I was going to say that sometimes I feel like the kids…well that you and the kids are this little family and I’m….an outsider who shows up once in awhile and I have to prove myself and work hard for your affection each time.” John dropped his head as he spoke, to be so exposed even with Marlena was difficult because it felt like he was always in the vulnerable position, for several months running now anyway.
It broke her heart to hear him say it, but she knew and under-stood why he felt that way, it was true in some ways. His long ordeal had caused her and their children to function independently of him sometimes. She watched him for a moment, wondering what she might say that would help, “Honey, I know why you might feel that way, but we all love you and want you to feel included. The kids know you’ve been sick and that your memories have caused you problems and it’s confusing for them, but they love you very much, John.” “I love all of you more than anything else in this world and I know you love me too, but sometimes I get….worried that all this with my past is going to tear us apart.” John stopped and sat down on the couch for a second and fell silent, contemplating whether to express all of his concerns.
Marlena went to sit next to him and peered directly into eyes imploring him to believe her. “John, that is not going to happen, this marriage is forever, nothing will ever break the bond of love we have or cause us to separate, I promise!”
In an instant the fear and insecurity had returned with a vengeance, “I really want to believe that, I do. But, sometimes it seems like we just aren’t meant to be happy together, Doc… and I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault. When I look at all the horrible things that have happened to me and to you because of me, sometimes I think I must just be… a bad person who doesn’t deserve your love. So, I can’t help but think that one day you are all going to be taken away from me …just like my parents, my life as Roman, my mentor…Izzy B, then you and I were kept apart for so long….” He stopped, desperately trying to contain the fear, “Almost everyone and everything I ever cared for was taken away…so deep down…. I’m afraid you will be too.” Tears threatened again and then slowly they started to drop from his sad eyes.
She hated that all the painful experiences were bringing out these deep fears and insecurities and wanted to reassure him. Marlena pulled him into a firm embrace and then said tenderly as she caressed his cheek, “Oh, honey… that isn’t true. You are so wonderful and you deserve all the happiness and love in the world. With everything that has happened lately, I can understand how it might seem that way, but you need to believe in yourself, John. You have lost a lot in your life, but you also have a lot of love… the Brady’s, your friends, me and the kids… we all love you and no matter what happens with your memories and this crazy situation we find ourselves in right now, that fact will not change, John. You need to just accept that love and allow yourself to embrace it.” The anguish emanating from him was almost too much to handle.He swiped at the tears and sniffed as he said, “You’re right, I know you are, but it’s just so hard lately. I feel so confused about everything. I want this nightmare to end….and I keep praying, but it just keeps getting worse, Doc! I see how everyone still looks at me with that… pitiful expression on their faces and I HATE IT!” John clenched his fists and said forcefully, “I want to be strong and in control again!” “You will be, John.” She stopped and then spoke firmly to encourage and remind him of the qualities she saw in him, “No, that’s not right, you are strong, John and so very brave! You couldn’t have survived the withdrawal and everything that has happened in the past few months without tremendous inner strength, John. I would venture to say that most people would have collapsed under that kind of pressure, but not you!” Marlena made him look at her by gently tipping his chin up so their eyes met again. “You are my hero and you always have been. To endure what you have been through in your life… your strength and courage amaze me! I admire you and respect you…so much. Many people would be angry and bitter, but you just keep right on going and taking risks for the people you care about. You have saved me from harm more times than I can count. My goodness, John you were willing to risk your soul to save me, how much stronger could you possibly get?” For some reason it struck him as funny and he started to laugh and it took control of him for several minutes. “Oh, I don’t know, Doc but I’m sure I’ll think of something.” He was quiet for a beat and then blew out a long breath and agreed with her, “Okay, I see your point, but what about now? How do I find that strength within myself and take control again?”
“You take it one day at a time and we work together to deal with the memories and find out who it is that doesn’t want you to remember your past. We prove who it was in the warehouse and we stay strong and have faith in our love, no matter what comes our way. Is that a deal?” Marlena held out her hand for him to shake as she asked the question.
He shook her hand and said more confidantly, “It’s a deal, partner, best friend and love of my life.” John was actually smiling now, feeling a little better about their marriage and himself in general and he finished with a simple, “Thanks Doc. Now, let’s go get something to eat and see the kids!” He gave her a hand and helped her off the couch and gestured toward the door. The couple walked out of the loft, arm in arm and felt the strength of the soul-deep bond of love between them gradually increasing once again.
Chapter 43
A Deserted Island
John and Marlena Black were feeling free again, if only for the moment. They had just spent the day with the kids and were getting out for a snack at the Pub before going out to cruise the river in a boat John had purchased recently. John hoped to surprise her by taking her to an island that not many people knew about, it was mostly deserted and he had purchased it especially for her and hoped to build a cabin on it so they would have their own little place to get away from some of the pressure. They had managed to avoid the press and went to the rear entrance of the establishment. John was feeling more secure in Marlena’s love and had reconnected with Belle and Brady. Now it was time to face the family from whom he had been isolated yet again by the controversy over who had drugged him. For the sake of their children they planned to ignore the whole issue on this day. Just before entering John stopped short, he was nervous and Marlena sensed it by his silence. “John, are you okay with this?”
Still hesitant to enter he said, “Do you mean, am I nervous? Yea, a little I guess.”
“We can leave if you don’t feel comfortable…seeing everyonetoday. I want our time together today to be perfect. I had a lot of fun with the kids this morning and I want us to feel really good about this time alone too.” Marlena kissed him tenderly and ran her fingers through his thick hair.
“No, I’m fine..really and I definitely don’t want this thing to keep me from the people I love. Let’s go on in there now and see if we can manage to bridge the gap.”
As they walked in and stood near the bar, they were positively shocked to see Roman Brady sitting in one of the booths with most of their family and friends gathered around him. He looked like a king holding court, he had everyone’s complete attention as he told more stories of his adventures in recent years. Upon casting eyes on the man, John felt the anger rising quickly from deep within and he balled both hands into fists in an attempt to contain it for Marlena’s sake.
Marlena sensed immediately what he was feeling and she moved to stand in front of him….just in case. “John? Through clenched teeth he responded, “Don’t worry… I’m not going to go off on him. I’ll be….civil…allright?”
She put her hands on his chest and then gave him an out, “We don’t have to stay you know…. you don’t need to face him now.” “Oh, yes I do, Doc. I have to let him know I am not intimidated by what he did and tell him that I am going to prove what I remembered is true. Let’s go over there.” She saw the tension and knew there was a potential explosion building inside him. For so long there had been nowhere to vent the tremendous sense of frustration about all the emotional turmoil asso-ciated with the memory fragments and the physical suffering, now he had a target….in the person of Roman Brady. “John, don’t confront him…please! Not here, not now. Look at Shawn and Caroline, they are so happy to have him back and the kids too… he is finally reconnecting with the family and everyone is so pleased, don’t ruin it for them.”
“Right, we don’t want to upset anyone do we? Nobody believes inme, in what I say.. but Roman….now he’s Mr. Wonderful with all the war stories and I’m still just….a pretender to the throne. What about me, Doc? Doesn’t what I just went through matter to anyone?”
She was stunned to hear such bitterness come out of him, she thought he was long past all of the jealousy, but this situation must have revived some of those old buried emotions. “Of course it matters, John but they have a right to enjoy him being home, they love him and I thought…you were past all the….jealousy.”
John felt strange about what he just said, “I’m not…jealous… really. I guess I’m still feeling a little burned that nobody believes what I said is true, that’s all. Now, here they are accepting him with open arms and all I can think of is how it felt to lie there in agony on that warehouse floor for three days begging God to let someone find me. When I saw him sitting there laughing with all our friends and family eating it up, I guess it brought out some old feelings and the anger about what I know he did to me.” “John, I can understand how upset you are about that, but you know that their acceptance of him doesn’t change their love for you, come on…”
“Doesn’t it? Have we gotten a call from one of the Brady’s sincethat day at the Penthouse? Everybody has taken sides and I’m the one left standing alone in the pouring rain, do you know what that feels like for me?”
“John, nobody is choosing sides here, this isn’t a competition.”
“Yes it is, Marlena. It’s a matter of trust….and nobody trusts or believes in what I say….maybe they’re all buying into the story the press is running.”
“That is not true, everyone still loves you and trusts you, John.”
“Okay, then why haven’t Shawn and Caroline and the kids returned my calls lately or better yet why haven’t the kids come to see us since that day?”
Marlena realized he was right in some ways. She didn’t want to tell him that Carrie and Sami had been to see her and called her at the office. That included Eric, who had recently moved back to town, since Roman had decided to make more frequent trips and possibly move home to Salem himself. She had encouraged them all to see John, but obviously they hadn’t followed through on her request. John saw some acceptance of what he was saying in her eyes and it made him wonder. “Marlena…what is it? What aren’t you telling me here?” he asked, believing he already knew the answer. Marlena glanced away nervously and mumbled something unintelli-gible and he knew…. John nodded his head with understanding, “So, it’s true… isn’t it? They’ve all been in touch with you, it’s just me they’re avoiding…all of them! Great…what was that you were saying the other day about how I should be so thankful for all the love in my life?” His anger and wounded spirit flared in his verbal reaction, “You know what, I am out of here!! I’m not going to stay where I am so obviously not wanted or needed!!” John spoke loudly enough that the gathering of friends and family turned at his words. They stared at him and he returned an intense needful gaze, wishing desperately that someone would actively support him and when it didn’t happen he turned around and left the Pub, angry tears rapidly filling his eyes.
Marlena’s face bore a conflicted pained expression and she felt paralyzed. If she stayed, John would perceive it as choosing sides, his only true support abandoning him when he needed her the most. But, if she left, Roman and the Brady’s would feel some of the same reaction. She whispered, “I’m sorry,” and put her hands to her mouth as she began to cry, then hesitated just a moment longer before running out after her husband. John needed her more than ever before and she had promised him she would be there, through everything….no matter what challenges they faced.
She found him on their new boat, leaning on the railing. He was obviously in pain and she wanted to comfort him, but she could see the muscles in his back tense as she approached. Marlena didn’t touch him, thinking he couldn’t accept it from her at the moment. He said bitterly, “So, why didn’t you stay there, Doc? You wanted to, I know you did. “John, you know why.. I love you and I support you.”
There was so much pain and confusion lately and he wasn’t sure of anything, not even her love. “No, you’re stuck with me, isn’t that how you really feel….trapped?” Feeling so abandoned by the people he loved, John walked half the length of the boat away from her, not even bothering to stay for her answer.
She called to him, “Oh, my aren’t you the bitter one? What’s happened to you, John? Where is the man who never gives up the fight, the one who loved me so much that he would do anything for me and give anything to be with me? You are pushing me away, John! Do want me to reject you too and leave you all alone so you can prove yourself right, so you can be that bad person who doesn’t deserve to be loved?” He didn’tanswer her immediately and she shouted at him, “If that’s what you want than that’s what you’re going to get!! Goodbye John, you coward!” Marlena turned from him and ran down the deck to the stairs.
John came to his senses a few seconds too late and ran after her shouting, “Wait, Doc! Please, I’m sorry… WAIT!!” As he reached the ladder down to the dock he saw her walking away with….Roman. It was just like his dream and he was terrified it would come true; maybe that’s what the whole thing was about, Roman setting up the situation so he could take Marlena back from John. “NO, Doc! Don’t go with him!! DOC!!”
Marlena turned to him with tears in her eyes and then she looked away and buried her head in her ex-husbands’ arms. Extreme anger, jealousy and frustration rose from deep within his soul and he ran toward them. Marlena was afraid of what he might do as soon as she saw his eyes which burned with rage and frustration, and his body was shaking from the adrenaline that flowed through his veins. Before she could say a word to him he had pulled her roughly out of Roman’s grasp and forcefully sather on a nearby bench. Then he faced off with Roman, who was prepared for a fight, but was planning to play the innocent victim, furthering his own cause and building the case for John’s instability.
John stared at Roman and could barely speak he was so enraged, “You aren’t going to take her back, Roman! She is MY wife now!” There was a fierce possessiveness in his tone and demeanor that scared Marlena and angered Roman.
Roman spoke bitterly too, wondering if he could control his anger any better than John was doing, “That didn’t seem to matter when you slept with her before, when she was MY wife, John! Why should I care about your marriage to her? You know, maybe she doesn’t want you anymore. After all, she was leaving with me when you were supposed to have some romantic boat ride on that fancy new yacht.” He looked John up and down and said derisively, “Maybe she realized having a man with money isn’t as…exciting as she thought it would be, Mr. Millionaire!”
John seethed with anger and wanted to beat the cocky smile off his face and he took a step closer, sizing Roman up. Forcing the anger down he responded with apparent control, “We’ll work it out, we always do, Roman. That’s what commitment means, staying even when it hurts… Oh, but you’re the type to run out when it gets tough, so you wouldn’t understand about that, would you?”
That comment opened the old wound and Roman stabbed back spitefully, “Yea, right, like you stood by her, John? When she needed you the most you were off chasing after Kristen Blake, another married woman and you broke up yet another marriage! When you thought you couldn’t have either of them, you slept around with anything in a skirt!”
John didn’t know what to say to that, it was partly true and he stood there with his anger building, the old guilt feelings returning as well. I didn’t…do that, I…just…”
Roman realized he had the upper hand and cut John off, continuing his diatribe. “When you had the chance, you strung both Doc and Kristen along as far as you possibly could! Then you were stuck when you got another woman pregnant with your bastard child!” Roman laughed tauntingly and then stung his enemy once more as he jabbed John’s chest with his finger, “Kristen played you for the fool and you went back for seconds and married Doc. Yea, you’re one hell of a commited guy!” Roman’s words ran roughshod over a still slightly raw nerve of guilt and shame and that was it. His control broke and John rared back, hitting Roman square in the face and felled him with one punch. His rival went down and was bleeding heavily from the nose, but he started to get up anyway.
John was immediately somewhat remorseful and moved to help the man up. Roman faked the willingness to let him help and took John’s right hand and then punched John full in the jaw with his left, upper-cutting the man with his stronger arm. The angle of the punch put John out completely.
Marlena who had been standing by, speechless, in horror of what was happening before her eyes, was now screaming hysterically as she saw John’s body fall, seemingly lifeless to the ground, “OH MY GOD!! STOP IT, STOP PLEASE!!”
Within seconds, several of their friends and family members arrived, having wondered if a confrontation was brewing. Mike was present and moved to check out both men. Roman waved him off and directed him to look at John who was unconscious. Abe offered his friend a handkerchief to stop the bleeding while Mike kneeled down to examine John. Mike checked the man’s pupils and examined the jaw as well as the left side of John’s head which had met with the wooden surface of the pier. There was a nasty gash there and Mike said, “Well, Roman you hit him just right to cause some damage, his jaw might be broken and there could be a brain injury from the punch or the fall.” Abe looked at both men and the crying Marlena who was now safely wrapped in the shelter of Shawn Brady’s arms and asked, “What the hell happened here?”
“John came up and picked a fight, he threw the first punch, I just got in a better one, that’s all. This was a long time coming Abe, no big deal.”
Mike glanced up and said, “Well, it might be if this injury is as serious as it looks Roman.”
Marlena was trembling, but she had to tell them what she saw. “John and I had… an argument and I was leaving our boat. Roman was here and I…let him hug me… John saw it and was very angry…about everything and he came running up to us. He pulled me away from Roman and put me on that bench over there.”
She pointed to it and continued, “Then John and Roman argued, they were so.. cruel to each other and I didn’t know what to do, then it looked like John couldn’t control his anger and frustration any longer and he hit Roman. Then he…reached down to help Roman up, it looked like John felt bad about hitting him.” She hesitated briefly, looking into Roman’s eyes searching for the reason and wishing she didn’t have to tell the next part. She continued, “Then…..Roman hit John with his left hand while taking the hand John had reached out with to help him. John had no idea that punch was coming and he went down immediately. That is exactly what happened… now, if you’ll excuse me I have to see if my husband is allright!”
Marlena was in tears as she kneeled down by John’s side. “Honey, come on wake up, come back to me, John!” John groaned and struggled for conscious awareneess. He was lyingon his back staring at the bright sun and his vision was blurry and he was confused… “Ohhh, what happened? where am I …. Doc?” “I’m here, honey…..it’s okay… just lie still for a minute.”
“Doc, what’s going on? I don’t remember what happened.” John was slightly disoriented and the throbbing pain in his jaw and head made it harder to concentrate and recapture the memory.”
Roman slipped up in letting his resentment and bitterness come out in front of so many witnesses, “Oh, that’s so convenient, isn’t it, John? Poor John, doesn’t remember. Hell, he doesn’t remember half of his life… tough break. Well, I don’t feel sorry for you, John. I think you use that to keep Marlena’s sympathy, that’s probably the only reason she stays is because the psychiatrist in her wants to figure out your screwed up head.”
That remark stimulated John to remember what happened and how it was he was feeling the pain from the sucker punch and he struggled to rise. “Damm you Roman, I’m coming after you! I’m gonna prove it was you in that warehouse with me!”
Roman had calmed down and recognized that he needed to retreat from the bitterness to ensure he continued to hold everyone’s trust and said with confidance, “John, I was hundreds of miles from here and everybody standing here knows it.” With slightly hidden cruel tones he said convincingly, “Nobody believes you, John. Not even your….friends and My family. They believe in me and they all know that you’re just a drug addict with a mixed up bunch of memories inside your head.” Then in a very patronizing manner he said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I should be more sensitive. I’ve been watching the news, John… all those jumbled violent memory flashbacks and that…horrible sexual abuse you suffered as a child, it’s no wonder you’re such a mess.” Roman softened his tone further to feign concern for the man, “You need help, John and I hope you get it before someone you love gets hurt because of you.”
Having it all repeated in such demeaning fashion in front of his friends and some strangers embarassed and enraged him. With labored breaths, fierce pain pounding in his head, he cursed at the man, “You sick son-of a… I swear it, I’m gonna nail you, you two-faced bastard!” John tried to sit up so he could get at Roman, but Mike and Abe held him down. Marlena shouted at the two men she had given her heart to, “John! Roman, stop this right now! You have both acted so childishly! Now, Roman, please leave John alone and let Mike take care of him!” She was upset with both of them, but she was very worried about John both physically and emotionally. Roman’s last comments had obviously wounded him terribly, she could see that his still fragile spirit was crushed and she wanted to hold him and comfort him.
John sat up and shook off the help, struggling under his own power to stand. He cried out defiantly, “No! I don’t need anybody to take care of me!” Then with a totally dejected demeanor he said woefully, “Roman’s right, none of you believe in me anymore! So, I’m just gonna do this alone, that’s what it all boils down to for me anyway and I guess it always has!” He staggered away slowly, somehow managing to make it to the new boat where he was supposed to be going on a romantic late afternoon cruise with his wife. John forced himself to stay upright while they all watched him, he was so proud and there was no way he was going down in front of them. Once inside the stateroom he was no longer able to keep the physical and emotional pain at bay and he collapsed on the bed. And then he… cried; they were the tears of a man who was all alone on a deserted island with no hope of rescue. Tears streaming unrestrained out of his eyes, John admitted the truth in the silent solitude that surrounded him, “Oh, Doc! I need you so much!”
Chapter 44
Faith in Love
He laid there for an indeterminate amount of time, wishing for a way out of the nightmare he was living in. The right side of his jaw and his left temple area throbbed with pain. John thought about trying to get cleaned up and take a look in the mirror, but whenever he tried to move, powerful waves of nausea washed over him. So, he just stayed put, figuring the nausea would eventually pass and he could stand up again. Dammit! why did you let him get to you like that?
Suddenly, he remembered why and cried out, “Oh, God! don’t let her leave me for him, please! I know I have messed up, but I’ve been trying to be a good husband, it’s just so hard with everything from my past..but I’ll try to do better….. Oh, please don’t let him take her from me again!!” John ached with fear and the physical pain sensations combined with that emotion to leave him feeling totally drained. Eventually, he fell into a fitful sleep filled with dreams of losing Marlena to Roman and suffering total rejection by all his friends and family. A relatively short time later, Marlena entered the stateroom and saw his restless form on the bed. She sat down next to him and turned his face toward her and gasped at the sight, he hadn’t even cleaned it up. The gash on his left temple was still oozing blood and part of the wound had a layer of dried crusted blood mixed with the sticky fresh blood and matted hair. The right side of his face and underneath where Roman had hit him was badly swollen and had turned a few different shades of black and blue already. She waved to Mike who was standing in the doorway and he came in and took her place on the bed. He leaned in to examine John and frowned at his first look at both injuries. After barely making contact with John’s skin near the jawline, he knew there was a problem, “Marlena, I..think his jaw is broken…. feel this.”
Mike placed her hand on the spot and she felt it. She nodded and then said, “Oh, Mike! Having his jaw wired shut, now with everything that has happened…it will just kill him!”
“Marlena, there is no choice…it’s a bad place to get injured, there’s no other way to heal it.” Mike then turned his attention to the other wound. It was a nasty cut and needed a few stitches and he should have a CT, if only to rule out any serious problems. As Mike touched his face, John flinched and began to wake up.
His eyes blinked several times and he wondered what was happening, “Hey, what’s going on?” His vision was blurry and he didn’t know where he was or who was there, “Doc are you here?”
“Yes, honey I’m here and so is Mike…we came to see how you were doing, how do you feel?”
After running an internal survey, he said, “Well, a little like I was hit on the head with a sledgehammer. ” John tried to sit up and he yawned slightly which sent shooting pain through his jaw and it forced him to lie back down. He put a hand on his face and cried out in pain, “Ohhh! my jaw! Oh, Doc…..I think … it feels like…”
Mike interrupted, “It’s broken, John. We have to x-ray it for sure, but it appears to be broken and we’ll probably have to wire it shut to heal it.”
John was in shock, “No, no way.. you have to be kidding, they don’t do that anymore, do they?”
“It depends on how bad the break is and where it’s located, John. In your case, yes they still do that. I’m sorry, John.”
Silence followed and then he stated his opinion firmly, “No, I’m not going to do it! It’ll just have to heal on it’s own, there is absolutely no way that I am going to let you wire my jaw shut!”
Three hours later, after having his wound cleaned and stitched atthe hospital, John was sitting in the office of an orthopedist who specialized in head and facial injuries. He was looking at some pictures of people who said the same thing he had been so adamant about earlier. When he saw the deformities that resulted, his fierce determination began to fade slightly and he asked while pointing to a particularly disturbing one, “So, doctor, you’re telling me I’m gonna look like this guy here if I don’t let you do this?”
“Umm hmm, Mr. Black I know that it seems like a very unpleasant process, but it’s only for a few weeks and then you’ll be just fine. It was a fairly clean break and should heal quite nicely. May I ask what happened?”
John looked awkwardly at Marlena and then he said with an angry tone and embarassed half-smile, “Well, if you have to know, I was sucker-punched by an….ex-friend.” “Oh, I’m…sorry,” said the doctor quietly. “Well, I’ll be back in a few minutes. The nurse will bring in everything we need and I’ll be in to take care of you in a little while.” He felt the tension between the couple and made a hasty exit to let them talk. After a few minutes more of awkward silence Malena said, “John, I’m sorry this happened, I know you were reaching out to help Roman up when he hit you.”
He sighed and confirmed it, “I was sorry I hit him afterward. I guess I lost it when he said I was stringing you and Kristen along. It struck a nerve of guilt I still feel about…everything and the way he laughed about me being a fool, well, it just set me off.”
“John, I know he was cruel to you, but you weren’t exactly pleasant. You were so angry when you came running toward us that it scared me, honey. You were so…possessive of me and I don’t like you fighting with him over me, you should be able to trust me, John. Don’t you know by now that I am committed to you, even if we’re having some…trouble?” There was so much bitter anger in his voice lately, “Oh, that’s what it is now, trouble? I thought… Oh, never mind.. why don’t you just go on home to the kids, I can handle this alone.”
“Alone! You really do want me to leave you alone, don’t you? FINE, JOHN! I am going to leave you alone, completely…. so you can just go right ahead and wallow in your self-pity for all I care! Don’t call me, I’ll just send your things to the loft…. goodbye!” She stood up to leave.
He was immediately remorseful about his tone and he grasped her forearm, saying, “No, Doc please, don’t go. I don’t really want you to leave me alone… I’m just…so ANGRY and so….tired of all the pain! Why Doc? Why won’t God let it end?” The angry facade faded to sadness in an instant and he broke down. Holding his head in his hands, he sobbed, the anguish pouring out from his wounded heart. “Ohhhh Doc!”
Marlena felt her heart break for him and she held him while he released more of the pent-up emotions he had stored for months now. Ever since he remembered the incident in the warehouse he had been battling deep fears and insecurities and this latest altercation, combined with the months long ordeal, resulted in yet another emotional release. “Shhh, it’s going to be okay, honey, I’m with you and I’ll never leave you, John. Please, believe me John, I will NEVER leave you!”
John allowed himself to seek comfort in the warmth of her embrace and he wept quietly for a few more minutes. Then when the tension was released somewhat he looked into her eyes and saw such tenderness it gave him strength. “Doc, thank you for loving me and for…staying. I know I’ve been…. hard to deal with lately. You are the last person I want to hurt and I’m sorry. I love you very much and I’ll try not to take out my frustration and pain out on you anymore, you don’t deserve that from me. Can you please forgive me?”
“Yes, I forgive you, John. But, please don’t push me away anymore. I am the one who has been there for you through everything and when this madness is over, it’s going to be me who is still by your side, okay?”
Feeling ashamed of his behavior, he said, “I know it and I am truly sorry for pushing you away, I guess I must have figured if I did it then at least I’d have control of it and I wouldn’t have to face the pain of helplessly watching you leave me. Then, seeing you with Roman really scared me. I guess my thinking’s all messed up lately, huh?” he asked as he shrugged his shoulders.
She smiled weakly and replied, “Yes…. but I love you so…” Marlena kissed him gently so as not to hurt the broken jaw, but convin-cingly to ensure he knew she loved him just as much as she did the day they were married.
“And, I love you, more than ever… lady.” They continued to hold each other until the doctor and nurse returned to take care of his jaw. When it was over they walked out of the office arm in arm, knowing their love could conquer anything as long as they had faith in it and in each other. They would weather this storm and eventually see the sun on their faces once again.
Chapter 45
A Family Reaches Out
John spent most of the next two days inside the Penthouse, feeling lonely, relying solely on the love and support of Marlena and the kids. Caroline Brady was the first of the Brady’s to come and see him. She felt terrible about what Roman had done in hitting John the way he did and thought someone owed John an apology of some sort and Roman wasn’t about to do it. She was nervous, a little worried about John’s anger and bitterness, but she shouldn’t have been. When added to all the other pressures and stress, this most recent incident resulting in the broken jaw had left him feeling so defeated that he couldn’t even gather the emotional energy to feel angry anymore, he was simply depressed. When she came to see him, it was the second day after the fight, and his jaw was all discolored, his head wound bandaged and her heart went out to him as he opened the door, looking so forlorn. “Oh, John….come here..” she said affectionately. He was happy to comply and melted into her motherly arms, almost like a little boy who had fallen down and skinned his knee. “I’m so sorry, John for not coming to see you before, for making you feel as though I was rejecting you. You’ve been through so much pain these past several months and I shouldn’t have done that. Please forgive me, honey.”
All he could do was nod fractionally and hang on for dear life, he had needed the family’s support desperately and felt abandoned by most everyone he loved. Tears filling his eyes, he struggled to say, “..need you so much, Mom!”
She couldn’t quite make out the words with the jaw wired shut, but she could see the anguish and his need for her, “Oh, honey I know you do, I’m very sorry, John! I will be here for you, from now on…no matter what else happens, okay?”
He sniffed and nodded his head at her and they continued to hug on their way to the couch. She pulled something from her bag and said, “You won’t believe this, but your father took some chowder and put in the blender so you could drink it through a straw. He was worried about you losing weight.” Finally, there was a smile on his face,
“Thanks,” he managed to say as he took the container and raised it as if toasting Shawn and Caroline, then he put it to his lips and sucked on the straw. He took only a couple of sips, before setting it down, the emotions beginning to overwhelm him again. It happened every time he went to eat something, he felt so helpless and out of control. John’s gaze dropped and fixed on a spot the children had made on the carpet when juice was spilled. Caroline could see how much he was suffering and decided to speak for him. She put her hand on his back as a gesture of comfort and said, “John, I know it seems hopeless right now, you’re in pain, you’ve just been through a horrific ordeal, there are so many problems to face, but it will get better and we all love you. Your father and I feel just awful about not believing you, it’s just so hard to think that Roman could be so cruel to you and so wonderful with all of us. But, we don’t want to take sides. We don’t want you to feel abandoned, so no matter what happens, we love you both.” She leaned over to put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him to her; he relaxed into the embrace and let a few of the tears that had formed trickle down his cheeks.
John turned to face her, stared into her eyes and saw she meant every word she said. John managed to say, “I love you too Mom.” It felt so good to have her support. They held each other in silence for a long while, feeling the mother-son bond returning. By the time she left, he had finished the chowder, it was the first time he actually ate anything since the jaw was broken a couple days earlier.
An hour after Caroline left, Marlena came home and found him asleep on the couch, clutching one of the kids’ stuffed animals to his chest. He looked so sweet and innocent and it touched her heart, she wished he could feel as peaceful as that during his waking hours. She saw the empty styrofoam container, picked it up and smiled at the aroma, knowing that Shawn and Caroline had made the first move to reconcile with John. It brought tears to her eyes because she knew how much it was hurting him to think he had lost their love and support. Marlena sat down next to him and just watched him breathing, taking his hand in hers. “Oh, John… I love you…and we’ll get through this, I promise you we will and one day you’ll be happy and laugh again.” She quietly wondered how long that would be and prayed it would be soon, a person could only take so much stress without breaking down emotionally and physically. She feared John was fairly close to reaching his limits. If he had an actual breakdown and she had to hospitalize him, she believed it would be too much for their relationship to endure. They still had not worked out everything that had happened the last time when his symptoms of mental illness were drug-induced and she had not believed him. If she had to force the issue again as a result of real symptoms, he would probably run from it and from her. She feared that the marriage would not survive the strain. She had to assure herself that wasn’t going to happen. ‘Stop thinking negatively Marlena, he’s going to be okay, we’ll figure it all out, he’ll get his memories back and then it’s all going to be just fine, eventually.’ Marlena settled down to watch him sleep, sitting across fromhim with a book. As she became immersed in the work of fiction, she heard him making noise in his sleep, he was groaning….as if in pain. She went to his side, gently touching him on the shoulder. “John, honey are you okay?” “Ohhh… no…not again….no! Oh, it hurts… help me…someone help me!” He was half awake and with his jaw shut, she couldn’t be sure of exactly what he was saying, but his fear was evident, he was probably reliving the beating and the withdrawal.
Marlena shook him again, “John, it’s okay, wake up!”
He sat up quickly and his eyes were wide with the fear evoked by the images in his dream. He pulled her into a hug and was quiet, his body still trembling. “I was there again…the warehouse..oh, Doc!”
” It’s okay, that won’t happen again, John nobody will do that to you again. We’re going to figure it all out and make the people responsible for all your suffering face justice.”
“Hope so.” It was just too much sometimes. He sat motionless and quiet for a long time and she found herself worrying again.
“John, are you allright?” He just nodded, talking was so frustrating. Half the time nobody understood him, so he didn’t say much.
She could see how bad he was feeling from his facial expression, “Honey, I know it all feels so overwhelming for you right now, but I’m with you, I’m always with you, John.”
“So hard! can’t even eat…or talk!” Marlena wrapped her arms around him and they sat quietly together for a long time.
“Oh, honey…it’s going to be better soon….please believe that, John.” He wouldn’t even look up at her and she could see how thoroughly demoralized he was. Her heart was breaking for him. Nodding again, he stood up and walked out onto the balcony. He leaned against the railing and stared out over the city in silence. Marlena debated about whether just to leave him alone or try to talk further. He seemed to be very depressed and she was concerned about him. The chowder was the first thing he had really tried to eat since they left the doctors office two days ago. She was thankful for the visit, it had obviously meant a lot to him, maybe that was a way to help him think more positively.
Marlena approached him from behind, slipped her arms around his waist and said, “John, I noticed the container of chowder sitting in there, who was here?”
“Mom,” he said softly. Marlena could see it had touched him, as he turned around to face her, there was a tear sliding down his cheek. “Oh, honey, I’m so glad for you.”
“She said….they love me too…won’t take sides…” “John, I’m so happy about that….I know you’ve really needed the and missed them very much.”
Again, he just nodded, but she could see tears in his eyes. John was struggling just to survive each day and it must feel so discouraging to him, like the pain and stress would never end. “Honey…I’m so sorry +life has been so difficult and painful for you…these past months, I know it must seem like such a battle to get through each day, but I promise you, I will be by your side through everything.”
“I know….thanks, Doc.” The tears were flowing again, sometimes they just came without a warning. She held him tight again, giving him her love and her strength and he allowed himself the luxury of depending on her, just this once. The anger and bitterness were fading to sadness and he needed her now, more than ever.
As John began to calm down, the doorbell chimed. John didn’t even hear it, he was still so…lost in his struggles that he stayed on the balcony, while Marlena answered the door. It was Carrie, Austin and Eric and all three came bearing gifts and the largest chocolate milkshake in town from John’s favorite ice cream parlor. Marlena smiled with glee and said, “You couldn’t have come at a better time, he is so depressed and lonely. Thank you for coming, he has missed you all so much!”
Eric spoke for them, “We’ve missed him too and when he heard about him having his jaw wired shut, that was it. The guilt smacked us in the face, it isn’t right for us to take sides and abandon him, so we came bearing peace offerings.”
Marlena was touched and tears came to her eyes at their thought-fulness.
“Thank you sweety, he needs us all more than ever right now.”
“I know,” said Carrie sympathetically as she looked over at him, “and we tried to get Sami to come, but she just wouldn’t, she feels she has to side with Dad and stay away from John.”
“Well, at least the three of you are here, Caroline was here this morning and brought John some chowder that Shawn put in a blender for him. He ate it and I’m so glad because he really hadn’t eaten a thing since we came home from the orthopedist’s office the other day.” ”
He hasn’t eaten for two days?” asked Austin incredulously. She shook her head and confirmed it, “He’s been so depressed about everything and having his jaw broken was just about the worst thing that could happen right now. He’s so frustrated because he can’t eat or talk easily and he feels so discouraged about everything else that has happened to him.”
They all sighed and then Eric said very enthusiastically, “Well,that’s all going to change, isn’t it? We’ve brought videos and games and milkshakes and we’re prepared to entertain the man…until he kicks us out!”
Marlena pulled them into a group hug and then motioned over to him. Just as they approached the balcony, he turned around and a grin slowly spread over his face as soon as he laid eyes on them. They yelled, “Surprise!” and then Carrie went straight into his outstretched arms and she held him tight. “We love you, John and we’ve come to play…are you up for some games and movies?”
Tears filled his eyes and it didn’t upset him, since they were happy tears this time, he felt happy for the first time in months and he nodded and smiled. Then he said firmly, “Yep!”
“Good, let’s start with the action-adventure movie, Carrie voted for the romance, but she agreed to let us watch the action one first. We got Dante’s Peak!” said Eric excitedly.
John’s eyes sparkled and he replied with excitement, “Allright… haven’t seen it, can’t get Doc to watch…” He looked over at her and she was beaming with happiness. He winked to let her know how thrilled he was that his kids had come to cheer him up and to tell her he was going to be just fine now.
Marlena came over and gave him a squeeze, saying, “See, you’re not alone, John. We all love you and we are all going to support you. Now, have fun with your kids, I’m going to check on the younger set upstairs.”
“Thanks, Doc.” He smiled warmly and looked in her eyes and she knew he was going to be fine. She said a silent prayer of thanks on the way up the stairs.
Redirecting his attention from Marlena’s retreating form, Carrie said, “Well, John we have some get-well presents for you to open, but first you have to drink this whole milkshake.” She said it while holding the shake cup before him, almost like a parent explaining the rules.
He reacted with slight disappointment about that, “Whole thing?” he asked. “Just one present?” he pleaded holding up his index finger.
“Nope, the whole thing…first,” said all three of his visitors simultaneously with smiles on their faces.
John took the carton and muttered, “Just like Doc….eat, John, eat…” They laughed at his boyish pouty demeanor and he winked back at them. It was all good teasing fun, something that had been sorely lacking in his life for several months. It felt glorious and he prayed for the night to last a very long time. “Love you guys, thanks…”
Eric said, “John, we’re glad to be here and..we’re sorry we made you feel rejected….it was wrong, we love you and we’re very sorry for the way we treated you.” Eric moved in for a hug and John held him tightly, needing the affection.
“Yes we are, John. It’s not right for us to take sides, we love you and we support you, no matter happens in the future,” said Carrie as she leaned in for another warm embrace.
“Oh, Punkin…that means so much to me…thank you.”
Feeling too serious a mood coming on, Austin piped up, “Allright, enough of the making up stuff, let’s watch some movies!”
John smiled knowingly and said, “Yes, let’s do,” and with that he popped Dante’s Peak into the VCR and snuggled up contentedly on the couch with Marlena, who had just returned from checking on the children. She reached a hand up to his face and pulled him down for a kiss. She could feel his body relaxing more with each passing minute and she was filled with joy for him and thanked God for bringing the kids over to see him. Marlena couldn’t have planned it better herself.
They were ten minutes through the film when John hit the pause button, surprising everybody; the movie was just starting to get exciting and they stared at him, wondering what was going on. He held up the milkshake container and smiled widely, “Done!” and they laughed so hard they cried, it was a very large milkshake and they had thought he would be working on for quite awhile. “Time for presents!” he said happily, smiling as wide as he could.
Marlena hugged and kissed him lightly and said, “You’re worse than Belle and Brady on Christmas…my dear.” She turned to the others and said, “Well, what do you think? Should we let him open them now or make him wait until the movie’s over?” They hesitated and then Carrie spoke for the group, “We promised that if he drank the whole thing he could open them, so I guess it’s now.”
John nodded excitedly, just like a little boy and they all laughed again. It was so nice to see him happy and smiling. The truth was, they would have done just about anything to make that happen. John picked up the first package and then settled back down onto the couch, shaking the box like that curious child, who knew that he could guess the contents with a little time and just the right motion. The night turned out to be one the best evenings he had in months and he enjoyed every moment of the time he spent with these people he loved so dearly. Marlena was very pleased to see the spark of hope and vitality return to his previously sad and battle weary eyes.
Chapter 46
Not That Again
John was sleeping peacefully through the night, at last. He actually had a smile on his face. He must be having happy dreams for once, she thought.
“Thank you for bringing the kids here tonight, Lord. He needed to feel their love and Shawn and Caroline’s too, and it took his jaw being broken to get them all to realize what they were doing to him. So, I guess I have to thank you for using that to bring them together. And, God please heal that broken bone as quickly as possible and then help us learn the secrets that are locked inside his mind and determine who has been trying so desperately to keep him from remembering them. Help us find out for sure who was in that warehouse with, John.” As she finished her prayer, she snuggled up close and nestled her head in his shoulder and began to drift off to a calm and peaceful sleep as well. She said a quiet, “I love you, John,” and kissed his cheek. John seemed to relax even further when she was there next to him and it pleased her to hear the soft sound of contentment he made before saying, “Mmm, yea….love you too, Doc.”
They slept soundly for most of the night, it was one of the best nights of rest they had since their return from the honeymoon six months ago now. There had been so much pressure on them both and John’s memory difficulties had caused him not to sleep well for all of that time. All things considered, he had survived an incredible amount of stress. It was remarkable he could even think coherently and cope emotionally with any degree of success. Many people would have been completely overwhelmed, and he had his rough times, but all in all he was hanging in there. Marlena now believed that if he had the support of the family he could get through it intact.
She awakened in the last hour or so before daybreak to movement in the bed and it took a minute for her to become aware enough to realize that it was her husband who was doing the moving around. John was thrashing and flailing his arms around violently as if to avoid something, and he was moaning incomprehensible phrases, indicating he was highly distressed. Finally, she heard some of the words, “No….don’t do it again…hurts….no …please….oh, it hurts! can’t tell….can’t tell!!”
Marlena sighed with emotional exhaustion and compassion for her husband, “Oh, John. I’m so sorry…honey.” She shook him gently to wake him, hating to think of the anguish he would feel upon recognizing what was happening…again. His eyes flew open, darting rapidly from side to side, searching for clues, and watching for signs of danger. Within seconds, he seemed to realize he had been dreaming and sighed wearily as his breathing slowed to near normal, “Oh…dreaming again, huh?”
“Yes, you were. Do you remember it?”
Shaking his head he said, not wanting to recall the troubling dream, “Bits and pieces… dammit!” John stopped talking and became quiet, then added pleadingly, “so….tired Doc..want a few good nights…that’s all.
“Oh, John…. I was hoping you would have a little longer to recover from the drugs…before it started again, but these memories are forcing their way to the surface for a reason and there’s nothing we can do to stop them. I’m sorry, honey. You’re going to make it through this, John. You’re so strong.”
He just looked at her with that pained, confused expression and shook his head again. Then he stood up and walked over to stare blankly out the window, looking for Izzy’s star….wishing she could help him, he’d take help wherever he could get it these days. Marlena sensed his thoughts and came up behind him, wrapping her slender arms around his waist. Laying her head on his shoulder, while looking out the window, she asked, “Looking for Isabella’s star?”
He nodded, “Yea…guess I am.”
You still take comfort in that sometimes, don’t you sweety?”
A few tears formed in his eyes as he said, “Yea..gives me..peace.”
She could tell from his tone that he was hurting, feeling overwhelmed and out of control again. “Oh, honey….I know this is so…hard and I wish I could make it easier for you. We’re just going to have to take the memories as they come and deal with them as best we can. Sooner or later the pieces will come together into some sort of a picture and we’ll put them in chronological order. Then you’ll have your memory back and we’ll do whatever it takes to make the people who have tried to stop you from remembering face justice for everything they’ve done.”
Turning to face her, suddenly angry, he said, “Including Roman?”What could she say to that, she didn’t want to argue about it anymore. She answered truthfully, “If….he did what you say, then yes, including Roman.”
That seemed to satisfy him for the time being and he was silent for a moment. Taking her in his arms he said, “Thanks…helps to know you’re on my side, Doc.”
She kissed him on the forehead, “I always was, John. I always was.”
He nodded again and replied, “I know…sorry I forgot that.”
Smiling and then kissing him again, she said with a fake sterness, “It’s okay, just don’t let it happen again.” Changing gears, she asked, “So, do you want to try to tell me about that dream you just had so we can put in your journal as another piece of the puzzle?” Sighing heavily he said, “Guess, we should, huh?” Not expecting an answer, he went back over to the bed and sat down, thinking, trying to recall the scattered images and emotions. Through his wired jaw he managed to communicate the most important concepts, “I was…strapped to a chair…there was a needle…drugs.. kind Stefano used… it hurt….. can’t remember. I think they wanted to know something….couldn’t tell them.”
“Oh, honey…. you have been through some horrible things in your life.” Massaging his neck and shoulders, she asked some questions, “Do you remember anything about the place where you were, the room, the people who were there with you, what they were saying?”
John labored to recall more of those details and when he felt like he was close to seeing faces, and hearing the words being spoken, it was if there were a white flame inside his head. It was searing hot and his head was on fire, his mind went blank, all the images gone as if never there. It took a second or two for him to realize what happened, then he clutched his head between his hands and cried out, “Oh God! My head…. oh, it hurts! Doc! PAIN!!”
This was the worst headache she had witnessed and it was frightening to observe. He was in excruciating pain, his body shaking, his face contorted and his teeth clenched tight, his breathing very rapid; it appeared he was close to passing out. She spoke calmly in spite of her fear for him, “John, let it go, just let it go and slow your breathing down. We’ll get it back another time, it’s okay.”
“It’s gone….but the pain, won’t go away… Oh…hurts so bad!” He kept taking in breaths too quickly…but she couldn’t settle him down. Whatever that memory was about, someone did not want him to ever try again to recapture it, this incredible pain he was experiencing would keep most men away. She feared that John was not *most men.* He would go back after the memory over and over until he had it, facing the pain as part of the bargain.
“Try to slow your breathing down honey or you’ll pass out, I don’t want that to happen. It’s okay….calm down …the pain will fade as you let it go.” She continued to talk soothingly and noticed that as his breathing calmed slightly, his face was not so tight with the lines of tension and pain.
“Yes, that’s it, John you’re doing well now… good.”
John felt the pain fading slightly and was able to speak with some rational thought, “Doc, that’s the worst one.” Still breathing hard, he sighed and concluded, “Woah… must be important.. somebody doesn’t want me to have that memory.”
She nodded, “My thoughts exactly. Whatever was happening in that room, whomever was there…. they don’t want you to ever remember it, John. These people went to great lengths to prevent you from recalling your experiences.”
“Why? Who is it and what’s it all about, Doc?”
They hadn’t had much time to talk about Abe’s conclusions and she said, “Well, I don’t know if you and Abe and Bo discussed it in detail or if you remember with everything that’s happened, but Abe thinks it’s some government agency, either domestic or foreign. He concluded that maybe you worked for the CIA or the ISA, possibly both and that you were involved in some very secretive activities, unsanctioned activities. He thinks that whatever you were doing for them, it could cause some major problems for the agencies if the truth comes out and they are desperate to keep you from remembering your past.”
John nodded and said, “Yea.. guess I forgot that idea..makes sense. only ones I can think of to go so far….threats, trying to make me go crazy..the drugs …the press…all of it.” He struggled to put a whole sentence together that she could understand, “Doc, if it’s true we’re all in more danger than you can imagine. When people like that are threatened with exposure, they can be as ruthless and heartless as Stefano ever was… or worse.”
Seeing her fear, John pulled her into a hug of comfort as Marlena nodded her head and said, “I know that by now and I’m afraid for all of us, John.”
He wanted to tell her to leave him for her protection, he wanted to say the following: ‘Then you have to leave me, Doc. I don’t want to separate, but if these memories keep pushing, sooner or later, I’m going to remember and they’ll know it and come after me. There’s no telling what they’ll do and I don’t want anything to hurt you and the kids. Please, Doc!’ But that was not what he said, he was afraid he couldn’t make it without her and he admitted in his heart that he wasn’t strong enough. All he had the ability to say was an emotional half-statement, “I don’t want anything to happen to you because of me, Doc but I…don’t think I…” He stopped, not wanting to actually tell her he couldn’t handle his life alone, even for a short period of time.
She understood and didn’t want him to feel bad about his need for her. She took his hand and said supportively, “I know… we need each other, John. I love you and I don’t want to leave you, even if we are in danger. We have made it this far and we will stay together through all the rest of it too, that’s what a marriage is about, John. Let’s not even discuss separating again, okay?”
John nodded, thankful for her strength and determination and said, “Okay, Doc, I love you..so much!” They embraced and continued holding each other until they fell asleep again. This was a couple that didn’t give up easily; their love was deep, true, and strong enough for any challenge life had to offer.
Chapter 47
Friends Aren’t Afraid of the Truth
It had been less than a week since the fight between John and Roman. Abe sat up in bed, wondering what he should do about it, if anything and he spoke to his wife about his concerns. “Lexie, what do think about this…issue between John and Roman? Do you think John is right about it being Roman in that warehouse with him?”
Lexie sat up herself and sighed before replying. “Oh, honey I don’t know what to think. He seems so sure of it, but with everything he’s been through, the flashbacks, the memory of abuse, the addiction, the stress from all the bad press, how can what he….thinks he remembers from that night be reliable?”
Abe had done a lot of thinking about the issue and responded with his conclusion, “But, Lexie don’t you see, that’s exactly what whomever is behind it all wants us to think, they want us to question everything he says, and in doing so, push him over the edge. They want to make him feel completely abandoned by everybody he loves, to make him think that nobody believes in what he says happened to him and then he might really have an emotional breakdown. All the pressure on him, Lexie, it’s all been so carefully orchestrated by whomever doesn’t want him to recapture his past.”
She had to agree, “Well, I think you’re probably right about that, but what can we do to find out for sure?”
Standing up to look out the bedroom window, using the time to gather strength he told her what he had decided. “I’ve been thinking about that, I want to talk to John again and get as many details as he can recall. Then, I hate to do it but, we need to check out Roman’s story, go to the hotel he was staying, check the flight manifests, everything. If there are any gaps…we pursue the issue and try to fill them.” He hesitated momentarily, wondering if she would go along with him. Then he asked her, “Could you talk to Roman and…make him think you believe him without question, get him talking about John and see what comes of it, can you do it? I don’t think I can pull it off, he’s too close to me, he’ll figure it out and resent it.”
Wishing there were some other way, but knowing there wasn’t, she replied, “Oh, Abe…I don’t like this….but I guess we have to know if it was Roman. If he has something to do with this whole nightmare John is living, then we owe it to John and Marlena to do whatever we can to help, right?”
“Right, I don’t like it anymore than you do, Lexie, I love them both, but for everyone’s sake, we have to find out the truth or this issue will never be settled and the Brady family will continue to be in turmoil. As their friends, it’s the least we can do to help resolve the problem, once and for all.”
The couple got out of bed and began to prepare for the day, showering and dressing in silence, each feeling bad for all their friends who were in significant emotional pain because of the situation. Finally, Abe said, “Well, I’m going to head on over to the Penthouse, John has to be feeling pretty down and isolated with his jaw wired shut. At the very least, I’m going to see him and try to cheer him up. Do you remember the name of the place where he gets those milkshakes he likes so well?”
Lexie was thoughtful and then she shook her head, “No, I don’t, I’m sorry, Abe, but Marlena mentioned that the kids stopped by the other day with one, so she would know. Why don’t you give her a call at the hospital. You probably want to tell her what we’re planning anyway, don’t you?”
It was his turn to sigh with weariness, “Yes, she should know, especially about investigating Roman, it will upset her, but I’m sure she wants to have it settled too.” Kissing Lexie as she prepared to step out the door, he said, “Thanks for thinking of that, I’ll catch up with you later in the day, okay?”
“Okay, honey. I love you and don’t worry, we’ll find out the answers and help all the people we love to deal with the truth, whatever it turns out to be. Bye, sweety,” she said encouragingly as she kissed him lightly before going.
“Yes, we will and I love you too, Lexie. Thanks for your support and your help with this, I just feel like we need to do this to be sure. See you later.” As he watched her walk to the car, he felt a sense of peace about what they were planning and he was so thankful to have a loving wife, who was commited to assisting him in helping his friends, even if it was a painful process.
After closing the door, he went to the phone and called Marlena’s direct line at the office. “Hello, this is Dr. Marlena Evans, may I help you?” she asked so professionally. “Yes, you may,” he said, just as politely.
Her voice changed to familiar friendliness and she said, “Abe! It’s so good to hear your voice, how are you?”
“I’m allright, but I have something I need to ask you and something I need to tell you and you may not be too happy about the latter, so I’ll get the first part done quickly. Could you tell me the name of the place where the kids got that big milkshake for John the other day? I want to take one to him today when I go see him.”
“Oh, Abe you’re going to see him, that is so…great! He has been so down, he’s missed you Abe, and it would really help him feel better if you to stop by! Her voice was so enthusiastic, she was thrilled that all their friends were slowly turning back toward John at a time when he so desperately needed all the love and support he could get.
“Yes, I know he has and I’m sorry I haven’t been there for him since the fight. I didn’t want to…take sides, I’m sorry to have made him feel bad. He needs us all right now and he probably feels like we all have abandoned him. I won’t do that again.”
Tears of joy and relief filled her eyes as she said a heartfelt, “Thank you so much, Abe you can’t know how much that means to me and to John. He has felt….so lonely, he thinks nobody believes in him anymore. He’s been depressed, he wouldn’t eat much of anything until the kids came by a few days ago, brought him a milkshake and spent the evening watching videos.”
“You are very welcome, I care a alot about both of you and I’m sorry he’s had such a rough time these past several months. I want to help him in any way I can.” After she told him the name of the ice cream parlor he said, “Now, for the other reason for my call, Marlena. I want to help resolve this thing between John and Roman so… I’m going to investigate it more thoroughly. I want to question John in detail, take him out to the warehouse, and get as many details as possible. Then, I want to check out Roman’s side of it as well, go to the hotel, look at phone records, the flight manifest, all of it. What do you think?”
There was a long silence and then quietly she answered, “Abe, it makes me…feel terrible, but…I think it has to happen. We all need to know what really happened that night and if Roman has had any involve-ment in John’s suffering all these months…I need to know it, John needs to know, we all do. We’ll just have to deal with whatever you find out, but the truth has got to come out, one way or the other.”
“Thank you Marlena, I was hoping you would support me in this. Lexie is going to be talking to Roman and she is…going to make it seem as though she completely supports his story to get him to open up, I’m sorry about that, but we have to try something.” She let out a long breath and said, “I don’t like it, but I understand, Abe. You have my blessing, I just wish there were some other way to do it.”
“I know, so do I, Marlena. But, at this point they are both locked into their versions of what happened and we had to think of some way to get one or the other of them to back off and/or admit to some other possibility.”
“Please tell me when you know something, Abe. I’m concerned about both of them and everyone else too, there’s been so much tension in the family since the day John came home from the hospital.”
“Yes, that’s exactly why I’m doing this, we all need to know so we can move on. After this is resolved, I want to help John find out which organization and individuals are behind all of the pain he’s suffered, those early threats, the voices he heard, the drugs, the false stories in the press, all of it. He needs help to do it, there’s too much happening, too much stress for him to handle it all on his own. Bo is going to help too, and as soon as we can free up our schedules we’re going to spend a lot of time working on it, probably as soon as John’s jaw heals.”
She was touched and found that there were tears in her eyes again. “Oh, Abe thank you so much, he needs your help and support and being able to work with you both on this mystery will give him the focus he needs to keep him from being so depressed about it all. He can pay you both as if you were working for him, so you don’t have to work so much. You can’t know how much it means to me!”
He could feel the gratitude in her voice, “Just hearing you say that tells me Marlena. You are our friends and we will do all we can to help you both. We all love both you and John.”
“I know you do, thank you again, Abe. I’ll see you later.” She hopedand prayed that he would find the information to settle the issue once and for all so they could all move on with their lives. She wondered if and when she and John would be able to live some semblance of a normal married life, without any danger or some emotional crisis at every turn. “Please God, let Abe and the others find what they need to help us solve these mysteries and let us have peace and safety in our lives. And, if you can, could you please make it soon? I don’t know how much more of this any of us can take,” she prayed, thinking mostly of John and how emotionally and physically exhausted he was becoming from all the stress on his mind and
Chapter 48
The Search for Answers Begins Anew
John was staring somewhat absently out over the city of Salem from the balcony of the Penthouse, wondering if his life would ever be …normal, whatever that meant. Actually, he would settle for just not being in pain, either physical or emotional for even a few weeks at a time. As far back as he could remember, the longest stretch of time when he felt genuinely content and happy was maybe a year. John had hoped and believed that when he and Marlena finally worked through the aftershocks of Kristen’s deception and Stefano’s death, they would be free of the pain and turmoil both had lived with for as long as they could collectively remember. After their engagement period that lasted a month or so and their two week long honeymoon, they had a few weeks of happiness before his 24 hour a day living nightmare began. John was determined to regain his scattered, fragmented pieces of memory and someday integrate them into one whole identity, one life on a continuous timeline. ‘Is that too much to ask?’ he pondered.
To that end, he had been studying the memory/dream journal, attempting to put the experiences together into some kind of an organizedhistory and he was getting quite frustrated at this point because it didn’t make any sense to him. He went back over and sat down on the couch to look at it again, and as he labored to analyze it once more….his frustration boiled over and he yelled, “DAMMIT!! Why can’t I put it together!” and he threw the book hard against the front door of the Penthouse.
Abe arrived at that exact moment and jumped back when he heard his friend yell and the book hit the door with a loud thump. After his heart stopped pounding in his chest, he rang the bell, as he had been concerned about his friend’s emotional state even before he drove to see John.
It took John a moment to perceive what the next sound was after the clunking noise made by his journal hitting the door and the thud it made when it landed, and that of the curse words spoken through his unwillingly clenched teeth. Once he realized that it was the door chimehe heard, John walked over to let whomever it was into the house. He forced a false smile to appear on his face as he placed his hand on the doorknob.
“Hi John, rough day, huh?” asked Abe, as soon as the door opened.
John chuckled in spite of his frustration as he surmised that hisfriend had heard his little tirade. Then he answered with a question, “Gee, how’d you know?”
Abe looked down and saw the journal looking somewhat the worse forwear, picked it up and said, “Oh, it might have something to do with this. Did you drop it, John?” he asked smiling slightly while handing the book over to his friend. He shrugged and smiled fractionally, “You..uh..heard that huh?” John said, feeling a little embarassed about his loss of temper.
“Mmm hmm, you want to tell me what’s going on?” asked Abe with genuine warm concern in his voice that John found hard to resist.
John sighed wearily, he seemed to do that way too much in the past few months. “Yea, I guess so.” Holding the journal out where Abe could see it he explained as best he could with his jaw wired shut, “This is a journal Marlena and I have been keeping to record all the dreams and flashbacks I’ve had. I was studying it just now, all morning in fact and I….just can’t seem to make any of it fit together and I’m frustrated as hell about it. Abe, it’s been six months since this whole thing started and I don’t feel any closer to putting this mixed-up bunch of memory fragments and dreams in my head into some kind of logical order.”
Not understanding every word, but observing the tension his friendfelt, Abe put a hand on his John’s shoulder and said, “I’m sorry, I know this thing has really got you upset and I want to help you with it in any way I can. What would you say if Bo and I started working with you on uncovering your past on a full-time basis, or near fulltime anyway, after your jaw heals?”
His eyes began to regain their luster, a little at a time and he said, “You mean that? You…want to help me?”
“Of course I mean it and so does Bo. I talked about it with Marlena and she thought it was a great idea too. So, we’re going to talk with the department and get our workload decreased for a partial leave of absence.”
John was touched and he was only slightly surprised to feel the moisture of tears fill his eyes. “You can’t know what that means to me….thank you for…caring….for being there.” “I always will be, you should know that by now, partner,” said Abe convincingly as he once again patted his friend on the back.
Suddenly the issue of income came to mind and John said, “Of course I’ll pay you, just like you were on my staff of investigators. I’ll triple what the department pays you, anything… actually. It will be so great to work with you guys,” he said excitedly.
Abe was happy to see the smile on John’s face and the sparkle returning to the eyes that seemed lost and so… desperately sad lately. “Whatever you want to do is fine by me and Bo as well. We just want to help you solve the mystery of your past and make the people who have hurt you pay for their crimes. Then you can get on with your life with Marlena and the kids.”
John nodded and agreed with him. That was all he wanted, to understand and recapture his past and somehow deal with whoever was trying to keep it from him. After it was all over, he and Marlena could give themselves and their children a normal life. “Yea, that’s what I want, Abraham. Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome, John. Listen, along those lines, I’ve decided to start with helping you figure out what happened that night at the warehouse. I want to take you back out there and have you review all the details that you remember…for the entire night. I would like to walk you through the whole evening, go to every location you can remember and see if it…jogs your memory. Do you think you’re up to it, buddy?” he asked, knowing it would be quite painful to focus intently on the memory of that horrendous experience. John shuddered visibly, having gone back in time for a moment. Then he answered firmly, “Yea…I can..handle it, Abe. I want to know beyond any doubt who it was and I’m ready for whatever we need to do so that can happen.”
“That’s the spirit, John. I’m…also going to check out Roman’s side of the story.”I’ll look at the phone records, flight information, the hotel…restaurants…everything. John, we are going to learn the truth one way or the other, are you sure you’re ready for all of it right now?”
He nodded and said positively, “Yep.”
“Well, now that we’ve got that settled, I brought you something.” Abe pulled the milkshake out of the bag he was holding and felt great when he saw the smile of glee cross the face of the friend who needed to smile much more often than his life had allowed during the past several months.
Once again, his friend was touched by the gesture. “Abe…. thank you…you’re the best, I love these things! How did you know?” John realized and answered the question at the same time as his friend. “Marlena…” They smiled and John added, “She… is so.. amazing, her love for me…is unshakable. I’m truly blessed.”
Abe agreed, “Yes you are, buddy. Marlena is one incredibly loving person and her strength astounds me. You’re lucky allright.”
“Yep….she’s one of a kind.”
As John sipped on the shake, Abe asked, “So, you ready to go over to that warehouse with me?” “Right now….today?” he asked as he stood up, surprised his friend could take the time so quickly. “Yes, right now, I blocked out several hours to spend with you today, let’s go, buddy.”
“Let me leave a quick note for the nanny and Doc, so they won’t worry.” He scribbled on some scratch paper, put it on the refridgerator with a magnet and then hurried to the door where Abe was waiting patiently.
“Allright, let’s blow this joint,” John said enthusias-tically as he opened the door, feeling quite pleased to have a chance to get out of the house.
Chapter 49
Remembering and Realizing
Abe drove John in his car and they started at the park, John’s first stop on that fateful night. John was laboring to recall as many details about his state of mind and the events as they happened, in sequence. The strain it caused him, showed on his face and his friend asked about it, “Are you going to be okay with this, I know it was a horrible experience for you, John?”
“Yea, I’ll be fine, I’m just trying to piece it together and it’s a little bit of a challenge because I was under the influence the whole time. I remember that when I left, I didn’t have any ID or money….nothing and I tried to write Doc a note, but my hands were so shaky that I couldn’t hold onto the pen. I left and started wandering around town, I ended up here at the park at some point.”
They walked deeper into the park, to the area from which he believed he had been abducted that night. “Does this part seem familiar?” asked Abe as they got close to the spot he assumed the first beating had taken place.
John shut his eyes, trying to picture himself walking, feeling exhausted and sitting down on a bench. He remembered that this indeed was the spot, “Yes, this is the bench I sat on. I was so…tired and messed up from the drugs in my system and I guess I must have had some early withdrawal symptoms, so I sat down to rest for a minute. The next thing I knew I was being hit….repeatedly. I never had a chance, Abe.”
“John, there’s something I’ve been wondering about, you had to have been followed by your own people, just like we are right now…look around.”
John turned around in a circle and saw several security people, discreetly placed. “Yea….that’s right, I almost forgot about that, where were they that night? Whoever was watching me, they had to know I was out of it by the way I was wandering around, they should have stayed close to me.”
Abe nodded, “My thoughts exactly, John. Either, somebody gave you up, or something happened to the person following you. We need to check out all John Doe deaths and/or hospitalizations around that time and talk to everybody in your organization about who was on that night and what happened to them.”
Almost embarassed that it hadn’t occured to him, John said, “Right, thanks Abe. My head has been so….mixed up, I didn’t even think of that, thanks a lot for helping me out here.”
“You don’t have to keep thanking me, John. You’re my friend and I’m going to do whatever I can to help you sort this nightmare out. Now, which way did they take you after they…subdued you?”
John looked around and then shut his eyes again, wanting to recapture the scene….he was almost unconscious when they finished beating him….pain….dizzy… “I…I’m not..sure, Abe.” His voice was shaky enough to be of concern.
“Okay, don’t worry about it, let it go, buddy,” he said, wondering if having John immerse himself in such painful memories was a good idea when he had been so obviously depressed.
Suddenly, it came to him, “There,” he pointed, “they dragged me through those bushes and we went toward the edge of the park!” John said excitedly, glad to have the memory back, painful as it was.
Abe followed him to the place where John recalled the car being parked. “This is the spot I told you about, Abe,” he said, feeling proud.
“Good, now think about what kind of car it was, the color, the make….anything you can remember will be a great help to us, John.”
Again, he shut his eyes, picturing himself being shoved roughly into a car, a blindfold being applied once inside. He was hurting so much, but his eyes had focused on something….an… ornament? No, lettering…. yes it was a sticker or decal, but what did it say? “I remember some writing like a sticker or a decal on the car, I can’t…. focus on what it said…eyes were all blurry….damn, I can’t see what it says!” said John agitatedly. “It’s allright, maybe it will come to you, anything else you can think of, John?”
“It was….black, I think and it was a sedan of some sort…” He recalled being shoved inside, his face being smashed down onto the seat. “It was…leather interior, fairly new I think…that new car smell was there.”
“Good, John you’re doing really well here, anything else?” said Abe as he wrote down every detail.
Staying with it, he focused on what happened, what was said.. pain..so much pain, can’t think…. “They… blindfolded me, didn’t want me to see them or know where we were going. I remember rough hands, rings scratched my face as he was tying it tight, the smell of his cologne…. musk, that’s it, he was wearing musk. There were four guys in that car with me, two were pretty quiet. I couldn’t get everything they said, but I got the idea it was going to be one long night of pain and I didn’t know why.”
Suddenly John stopped talking, seemingly immersed in the memory, he appeared to be about to fall over. “John you’re doing great, but I think it’s time for a break, you seem a little tired buddy.” He put his hands on John’s shoulders to steady him, “You okay?” John shuddered, shook his head to clear it and said, “Yea.. I’m okay….it’s just a little…unsettling to go over it all again, that’s all.”
“Let’s sit down a minute, maybe that will help,” said Abe, wanting to take it slow, Marlena had said almost anything could send him into another difficult period, there was so much pressure.
John knew what Abe was doing and hated to be seen as so weak and vulnerable, no he would press on. “No, I’m fine, really let’s keep going.” He traveled back in time again….where were they going.. a warehouse, someplace nobody could hear him yell. “They took me to a warehouse, they….didn’t want anybody to hear me scream when they…hurt me or find me when they were finished with me. It was in that other warehouse district, the one by the edge of town.”
Abe nodded again, “That’s where I found you.” Abe went back to that night in his mind and shuddered as the image of John’s battered body came to mind. John looked like he had been to hell and back when Abe found him; they hadn’t talked about it, maybe today was the day they would discuss it.
“Let’s go there now,” said John matter of factly, ignoring the concern he saw in the warm dark eyes of his best buddy.
“Only if you’re sure you can handle it today, John. I want to take this nice and easy, there’s a lot happening for you these days.”
“I’m fine, Abe,” he said firmly, wanting to deny that truth. John took a step back toward the car so they could leave and then froze in place as he looked a few yards ahead of him.
Almost on cue, the press that had been hounding him ever since the first stories were leaked, came running. Shouts of, “There he is! That’s John Black! Let’s get an exclusive! ” and many other phrases were heard as several men and women with microphones and cameras approached them fast. Abe instinctively moved to shield his friend, whom he perceived as being very vulnerable to the onslaught of obtrusive inquiries. They shoved the cameras and mikes in his face and shouted questions at him rapid-fire and it was overwhelming to him. “John.. how did you get addicted, are you still off the drugs, did you get treatment for it? How are you doing with all the memory flashbacks? Are you in therapy? How’s the jaw? Have your businesses been affected yet, rumor has it board members are resigning in droves and overall profits are dropping fast! Your wife has been seen around town with her ex-husband Roman Brady, any comment?” John allowed his friend to stand in front of him, wishing he didn’t need the help, but knowing he couldn’t even handle the questions if he wanted to with his jaw wired shut the way it was.
Abe stood in front of John and the hired security men quickly filled in to form a rough circle of protection around him. Abe quickly took charge of the situation and said, “Mr. Black has no comment and he would like his privacy. I am Commander Abe Carver, are you going to leave peacefully or do I need to call some of my men and charge you with harassment?”
The group scattered after getting some still shots and film footage of John’s distressed expression, continuing to paint the now very well established picture of a nearly broken man. Abe turned around after watching them leave the area, to see John slump down onto a nearby park bench, looking defeated. Abe sat down next to his friend and waited…..
Holding his head between his hands, he asked with anguish, “It’s never going to end is it? They’re going to keep hounding me, digging for dirt, exploiting my weaknesses. They won’t stop until I’m ruined for good.” John said it like it was fact.
“Hey, come on. Once we start to put some pieces together you can begin to fight back, John. You can tell your own story,” said Abe encouragingly.
Shaking his head, he said resignedly through his wired jaw, struggling to get the words out, “No, Abe…I have to face it, I’ll never win. Whoever it is that doesn’t want me to regain my memories, they’re very powerful and they won’t stop. They’ll keep up the pressure until I break or until Marlena leaves me and then they’ll sit back and wait for me to completely unravel. They’re gonna destroy me, Abe, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it!” Tears of frustration and helplessness rushed to fill his eyes and threatened to spill out at a moment’s notice.
Abe didn’t know what to say to that, John was possibly right. He had to admit to himself that it was how it appeared to him too. Putting his arm over his friend’s shoulder, he said, “I’ll do whatever I can to keep that from happening, John and I’ll be by your side, no matter where this leads us, please believe that!”
It felt good to be loved so deeply. John was touched and said so, “I do, thanks partner, you can’t really know what that means to me. I need my friends more than ever right now.”
He also believed the step by step destruction of his life was inevitable, he would lose everything that meant anything to him and he would be left alone and possibly penniless at the end of a long and bitter battle with the *agency.* As he imagined that dismal future, he made a decision that some wouldn’t understand, but it was the only choice he felt he had if he were to spare the people he loved the pain of watching him fall apart before their eyes. John was going to leave Marlena and the kids, leave Salem…everything, and fight the battle on his own. At least then, nobody else would be dragged down with him, especially Marlena. He would do anything to spare her the experience of having her practice dwindle, her reputation forever tarnished because of his problems, the children teased unmercifully by the other children, seeing John have to take some….very low level job, if he could even get one again. No, he would die before letting that happen. In his current state of depression, he simply couldn’t see any other way. In his mind, he set about planning his departure. It wouldn’t be right away, he had to get some money stashed, find a place to live, things like that, but it had to be soon, before Marlena and the children’s lives were damaged irreparably, if that hadn’t already happened. He knew his decision would hurt them terribly, but in his muddled mind it seemed infinitely better than the alternative of losing him a little more each day, when he was right there in their midst, their own lives laid waste as well.
Chapter 50
Head to Head
Lexie Carver walked slowly from her car toward the Pub, wondering just how it was she thought she could put one over on Roman Brady to find out the truth of what happened to her friend John Black. ‘He’s going to see right through you, Lexie, it’s what he does for a living, for goodness sake. Well, it’s what I used to do, I can handle this!’ she toldherself confidantly. ‘Besides, John needs my help and he’s going to get it, he has suffered too much already. It’s about time we started getting some answers for him.’ She took a deep breath and then let it out before entering the Brady Pub. Peering in the window, she saw Roman smiling and laughing as if he hadn’t a care in the world. Lexie went in smiling too, approaching the bar where he sat joking with his parents. “Hello, everyone, how are all of you?” she asked pleasantly.
“Hi, Lexie, where’s that husband of yours, we haven’t seen much of him lately?” asked Caroline.
“Oh, he’s just fine, busy at the station, you know the crime never stops. But, he’s doing pretty well.” She wasn’t about to tell them he was working with John on his past, on what happened to him the night he was left beaten and drugged, to die alone in a warehouse.
“Oh, well that’s true, unfortunately. You know I was thinking of coming back on the force here in Salem. I’ll have to catch up with him at some point to discuss it,” said Roman, hoping she would reveal some detailsabout the timeframes under which he operated. Roman was wondering if the man was helping John or if Abe was on Roman’s side. Ignoring that unspoken agenda she said quietly, “Roman, I wanted to talk with you about something that’s been on my mind….it’s about John. Could we go sit down at a booth?” she asked when Shawn and Caroline were well occupied.
“Sure, Lexie let’s go,” he said thinking he could coax her to his side of the fence and if he had Lexie’s support, maybe he could gain Abe’s as well. That would leave John with only one true support, his wife and that would lend itself well to the plans to destroy the man. When any questions came up about John’s reliability or his mental condition, she would be considered biased and therefore unreliable as well. He ushered Lexie away from the bar into the booth farthest from his parents ears.
Noticing his intention, she made it a point to recall that action. As they sat down, Roman said, “So, what can I do for you, Lexie?” he asked curiously.
“Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened to John and what you said and well, I’m having a hard time believing John’s account. He has had so much pressure and stress in his life that it’s hard to believe what he said happened that night, though I can’t help but feel guilty for not supporting him.” Lexie hoped he would let her know his true feelings towards John gradually as she steered herself toward supporting Roman. “I can understand how you feel. John…has been a good friend of yours for quite some time, Lexie. But…he’s got some serious problems, don’t you think?”
Here we go, she thought, pour it on, but not too thick. “Oh, Roman I don’t know what to think about it all. Marlena says he has just had so much stress from the flashbacks and the memories of that awful…abuse he suffered as a child, but that overall he’s hanging in there and he’ll be okay.”
Roman countered convincingly, “Come on, Lexie, she loves him and her feelings are clouding her judgement. He’s a total wreck and has been for months. He has somebody else running his businesses and from what I’ve heard, he has hardly left the Penthouse since he remembered the abuse, except when he was found in that warehouse withdrawing from drugs.”
Though what he said wasn’t entirely untrue, she acted thoughtful, like she was considering it and then said, “You’re right about that, he hasn’t been out in public too much, especially since he picked the fight with you. Abe and I have mostly seen him at the Penthouse, except for that one time at the park when he had a flashback and was so embarassed about it.”
Roman nodded, “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. He’s all mixed-up. Now, do you really believe that someone forced the drugs on him, that I…beat him up and left him essentially to die in an abandoned warehouse, all because of an affair that happened four years ago?”
“Well, I have to admit it sounded very farfetched to me when he said it. I hate to say this, but I’ve been wondering if he got himself addicted trying to avoid the emotional pain he was in and then maybe was beaten up by someone else looking for drugs or he didn’t pay someone on time, something like that….”
“Right, Lexie that’s what I think, he just made this thing up about me and some other guy, maybe because he had a hallucination and it stuck in his mind, I don’t know. All I do know is… he needs help, profes-sional help, Lexie and I’m afraid Marlena won’t force the issue because she knows how hard it would be to commit him against his will.” “Oh, Roman, that would kill him! He’s been through so much pain these past several months. You don’t really think that’s necessary, do you?”
“Lexie, from what I saw on the news and from what Mom and Pop told me..he’s dangerous to himself at least. He wrecked the Jeep after a flashback, he grabbed Marlena’s wrists one time and left bruises. Then this thing about the drugs, accusing me unjustly and picking a fight. He’s out of control and he needs help. What if he goes back on drugs and someone gets hurt because of it? You know those people are dangerous, there’s no telling what could happen to Marlena or the children if he gets caught up with that world again, Lexie.”
Roman was building a good case and if she didn’t know better, she would be convinced. If someone who knew and believed in John could almost be swayed, what was the general public to think? With the way the press had slanted the story, they would subscribe to Roman’s version of the situation. John was in serious danger. It almost sounded as if there might be a plan to force drugs on him again, to further cement the image of a broken, emotionally disturbed man. If that happened it would probably finish him off, throwing him into a true mental collapse, a man could only take so much pressure. These people are ruthless, is Roman truly a part of it all? she asked herself before responding.
“Roman, I didn’t really think about it from that standpoint before now, but you could be right. If John is lying to cover his problem or unknowingly mistaken about the drugs being forced on him and he has a true addiction, then everyone he loves could be in danger because of it. What do you think we should do?”
“Well, I think he should be watched closely, that he should be medicated for the psychiatric problems and then hospitalized if he doesn’t improve soon, for his own benefit as well as for Marlena and the children. Their safety should be the highest priority.”
“I agree, I’ll talk to Marlena about it. Listen, it would really help if we had the facts about where you were, you know the flight numbers, the hotel room, the places you ate, all of that to prove to Marlena the truth about how bad things have gotten for John. Maybe that will help her accept the reality of how sick he really is.”
Not seeing what she was doing, Roman said, “Sure, Lexie, I’ll write it all down. I remember it clearly.” He wrote everything down for her, thinking he had covered all his bases and convinced her of the sincerity of his concern for everyone.
Smiling warmly, she said, “Thank you, Roman for wanting to help him, it’s very generous after what he has accused you of doing.”
“Well, he was my friend at one time, and I do care about him, even though he seems to hate me right now. To tell you the truth, I feel sorry for the guy, he’s had some really rough breaks and it must feel like the pain will never end sometimes. I didn’t mean to break his jaw, he just got me mad when he hit me, I really want to help in any way I can, Lexie.”
She stood up to end the conversation, “Well, I better be going now, Abe wanted me to meet him for lunch, he happened to have some time and he wants to take advantage of it. Thanks again for taking the time to talk with me about this. You gave me a much better understanding of what is really happening to John. Your insights were very helpful. I’ll talk to you soon, Roman.” She went away certain that Roman had an agenda and that he thought he had accomplished it. He thought she was on his side now and that was good for John. ‘Roman, we’re going to catch you when you slip up. John is a good, kind man and he doesn’t deserve to suffer like he has. We will find out what your involvement has been and you will be punished, somehow you will be punished.’ Roman watched her walk away, thinking he had one more on his side.All that’s left is to coax Abe and Bo over to my side, then John will be alone in the cold except for Marlena and that won’t keep him out of the looney bin. ‘Well, old…friend, enjoy your freedom and your drug free mind as long as you can because it won’t last long,’ he thought as a wicked smile slowly spread across his lips. Then, as he tried to make sense of why he hated the man so much, why he wanted to cause him so much pain, that fierce headache returned, all thoughts other than those involving wanting to destroy John disappearing swiftly with the pain. He held his head, pushing on the temples and soon the pain went away, any questions about his actions, any feelings of remorse, gone as if never there.
Chapter 51
Trigger Points(Two weeks later)
After she noticed that he was calming down from what she incor-rectly assumed was yet another upsetting dream about his past, Marlena decided to try and help him relax further and feel good. Truthfully, he had dreamed about his future, a future without her because he knew he would be leaving soon and he was having trouble accepting the reality of losing her, possibly for good, if he actually left. He didn’t know if he had the strength to do it, or if he would survive whatever his tormentors had in store, and his dreams since the day he made the decision were filled with that uncertainty, as were his thoughts. On any given day he changed his mind several times.
Marlena started to make love to him by gently massaging his back. As she straddled his body, she said, “Relax…this is going to feel good, John. Let yourself relax…” As she spoke, she ran her hands up and down over the tight muscles of his bare back and then after feeling some of the tension fade, she slowly began moving lower, caressing his bottom and the insides of his thighs, running her fingertips softly up and down his legs, trying to arouse him gently. Something buried deep within the recesses of his mind was triggered by the combination of their body position, her words and the intimate touching and suddenly, he tensed, trying to escape the contact with his skin. He cried out, “No! Stop it, please! Don’t touch me, please, not again!”
She immediately got off of his body and swiftly moved to his side to see his face. He was absolutely terrified and he began to tremble and mumble again. She couldn’t understand the words, but the situation and the emotions were clear. John was reliving the abuse, something had triggered some more memories. “Honey…it’s okay…you’re allright.”
John couldn’t really hear her and wasn’t responding to her at all, he was literally back in the past, in the moment of being abused. He was ten years old, his uncle was sitting on top of his body and he couldn’t move, the man kept telling him to relax and that it wouldn’t hurt him. The man lied, it did hurt, it hurt a lot. “No! please…stop it, Please don’t do this to me anymore!” As soon as Marlena moved, John instinctively curled his naked body up in a ball, trying to protect himself from the abuse he was remembering.
Her heart was breaking for the little boy he once was and for her husband, who had so many tortuous memories stored inside his brain. She felt horrible about the fact that those memories were pushing their way to the surface all at once. It was simply too much for him to handle at times and Marlena wished she could help him find a way to slow down the process. “Honey…it’s Marlena…you’re all grown up now and he can’t hurt you like that anymore. It’s okay, John.”
Still, he wasn’t with her and he called out, trying to make sense of what he was suffering, “Why? Why don’t you stop? I don’t want to do it anymore…you’re hurting me! Please, I want to go home to my momma!.” He changed directions slightly and cried out, looking for comfort, wanting to understand. Momma!! Why did you leave me with him? Did I do something bad, Momma? I promise I’ll be good, please take me back!”
She gasped, feeling terrible about what he had endured, ‘Oh, my God! John…I’m so sorry you suffered through that,’ she thought. Gently, she tried again to bring him into the present, shaking him and talking softly as tears formed in her eyes for his pain, “John, listen to mehoney, you are not a little boy anymore. You are all grown up and you are safe with me, I love you and it’s okay for you now, please come back to me.”
Eventually, the real time experience began to filter through and he became aware of his surroundings, he was in a different bedroom, in a different house and there was a soft soothing voice, a gentle touch, no pain, no fear. John’s eyes fluttered and he stared up at her, a puzzled but quite distressed expression on his face, deep wounds evident behind the eyes. “Doc?” Within seconds he remembered the flashback…”Oh, God not that again, I thought it was all in the past now. No…I don’t want to think about that anymore! Oh, Doc!” After sitting up, he was silent for a moment, lost in the memory and laboring to shake it off.
She understood how he was feeling, but none of it could be avoided. As she tentatively rubbed his back, she said, “Honey…it’s all part of the healing process, the whole ordeal with the drugs interferred with your ability to deal with the memories of abuse and now your mind wants to face them and to begin the healing again. Remember that Kim said it would happen like this, in waves?”
Overwhelmed with emotion, both fists clenched tightly, he cried, “I don’t want to DEAL with it! I just want it to STOP!!” John grabbed his boxer shorts, threw them on, then stood up and walked away from the bed, holding his head between his hands, pushing hard as if to force the images out of his mind. Then, he unexpectedly sat down on the floor and started rocking rhythmically, lost in the vision of his uncle hurting him over and over, remembering himself as a young boy powerless to stop the man. Marlena was quiet, wondering if he would come out of it soon and tell her exactly what he remembered. He was quiet as he rocked, still holding his head in his hands, his breathing very rapid and shallow. Marlena was concerned, but he needed time, so she waited to see if he could calm down on his own.
After what seemed like a very long time, he stopped rocking and spoke to her about it. “He…used to do what you were doing…he would… straddle me and touch me in a similiar way, telling me that if I relaxed…it wouldn’t hurt.” Anguish filling his voice, he said, “But it did….it hurt me…it hurt me so much and I wanted to go home to my mom. She left me with him! I don’t understand why she left me, Doc. I don’t understand what I did to deserve it!”
She went to him, kneeled down and held him tight, “Oh John..honey we’ve talked about this, you didn’t do anything to deserve it.”
“Then why…why did she leave me with him?” Both the little boy he once was and the man he grew up to be wanted to have answers, needing to comprehend why he had been abandoned and made to suffer.
Marlena found it hard to keep her composure and answer his anguished questions, “Honey, she didn’t know….that he would do that to you. You have to believe that she wouldn’t have left you with him if she knew.”
John was angry as well as hurt and tears were in his eyes as he expressed the feelings he had back then as well as in the present. He stood up and thought about that for a second, wishing he could make sense of it, and said, “Well…she was my mother, she was supposed to know, she should have checked!” His voice trembled as he finished venting, “She should have found out and helped me. Nobody helped me, I was a little boy and I felt so abused and so alone!”
Marlena, stood up, feeling the anger rising with her as well; John was right, she should have known, it was her responsibility. “Oh, John…you’re right, she and your father should have found out. I’m so sorry you suffered so much!”
“Doc…I’m so angry and confused by all this. Why do the people that are supposed to love me always hurt me or leave me?” For the moment all thoughts of going away to protect her and the children were gone as he re-experienced the pain of abandonment yet again. “My parents gave me away….my uncle abused me, that father figure whose name I can’t even remember died, then I had a life as Roman, but it was all a lie and I lost everything. I was happy with Isabella then she died too, Kristen…lied to me and I lost the baby.” He was shaking his head, very distraught as he said, “Doc, you’re the only one….you’re the only one who hasn’t really hurt me or gone away! Oh, Marlena, don’t leave me, please don’t ever leave me again!”
She stepped closer and pulled him into a warm hug, then said earnestly, “Oh, I promise honey, I won’t leave you and I won’t hurt or lie to you, you can ALWAYS count on me, John..always!”
His breathing slowly began to return to normal and he seemed to be more calm. “I know…thank you, Doc.” Realizing how it all must sound to her he said apologetically, “Oh, Marlena….I’m sorry, I must seem like such an insecure blubbering idiot sometimes.” John hung his head and fought the tears back, embarrassed about his open display of emotions.
“You stop that right now, John! What you have been through these past several months would cause anyone to struggle with feelings like that, allright?”
Sighing with emotional exhaustion, he wiped his eyes of the remaining tears, nodded and said, “Yea….okay..you’re right. I sure do wish someone could make these memories stop flooding my mind all the time. I’m so…tired of waking up in a cold sweat, not quite knowing where I am and looking into your worried eyes. Doc, I want it to end
so bad!”
“Oh, John I know it seems like the pain and confusion will never end, but it will. Each time you’ve had a memory we’ve written it down and pretty soon the puzzle will come together for you, we both have to believe that, John.”
Shaking his head, not quite certain that was true, he said, “Doc, maybe we’re just fooling ourselves, here.” Taking the journal in his hand, he said worriedly, “Maybe a bunch of pieces that don’t fit together is all we’ll ever have, maybe I’ll never get it all back!” John walked over to the window, looking out at the stars for comfort. Not finding any peace for his tortured soul, he turned back toward her and said, suddenly sounding overwhelmed and utterly exhausted from the strain placed on him, “Come on, admit it….it’s not coming together at all, I’m losin it, Marlena! Between these memories of abuse and the jumbled up flashbacks and dreams, the broken sleep, the press thing….I think I’m really gonna lose it this time, Doc!”
She argued powerfully, “No, you’re not! You are being incredibly strong and you’re doing well with it. It’s natural that you have some very rough periods when you feel depressed, angry, insecure and scared, but all in all you’re hanging in there, John.”
He trusted her judgement, if she thought so…maybe there was some hope after all, but still…. “Can you come over here and look me straight in the eye and tell me I’m doing okay with this, or are you just saying that to make me feel better, Marlena?”
Slightly taken aback that he would question her, but ultimately understanding the need to be sure, she approached him and cupped his face in her hands. Staring into his troubled eyes, she said convincingly, “John, you are fighting through the flashbacks, dreams and the memories of abuse with amazing strength. You’ve struggled with insecurities and depression, but you stay and you let me love you….and you haven’t given up. No matter what has been thrown at you, you have never given up, John! That takes incredible inner strength. So, yes allthings considered, you are doing fairly well with everything, just keep on going and we will continue to get through this nightmare together.”
Seeing that she meant every word lifted his spirits, but left him feeling guilty because it reminded him that he had decided to leave and he said simply, “I’ll…try. Thank you for loving me and believing in me, for supporting me and helping me have faith and to find my strength when I can’t find them in myself. I love you more than my life, Marlena.” John wanted to memorize her face, her voice, everything about her so he could be with her in his mind while he was separated from her, if he indeed could make the break.
“You are more than welcome and I love you more than there are words to say. You are…everything to me, John. I’m glad I can help you to believe in yourself.”
John and Marlena climbed back under the covers and held each other in silent solace, drifting off to a blissfully peaceful sleep for another hour or so. And when they dreamed there were pleasant dreams of the future after John regained his past and the couple was happy and safe at last.
Chapter 52
Leaving For Love
All his bags were packed, the Jeep loaded and ready to go to the airport and then be driven by one of his employees to his final destination. The apartment in the new city was ready, money set aside, a new identity established with the help of an old friend or two, who hated the *agency.* All that remained was to write the letter to Marlena and the children, the letter he dreaded to write. He took out the pen and sat down at the desk in the bedroom staring at the blank sheet for a long time, wondering where he would find the strength to walk away and not look back. In his highly distressed mind, he believed he had to do it, there was seemingly no other way to keep them safe and give them a chance at peace and happiness.
Dear Marlena,
I am writing this with tears in my eyes and an unbearable ache in my heart. This is the hardest choice I have ever made in my whole life, but I’ve decided to leave you. I have come to the painful realization that the people who have hurt us, who don’t want me to recapture my past will never leave us alone. They will keep putting pressure on me, on us, until I finally do break down, or you are forced to leave me. I don’t want to put you in that position or put you and the kids through the pain of watching me fall to pieces, or of going without because I can’t work any more and seeing my companies fold one by one until there is nothing left. I don’t want to see your reputation as a fine psychiatrist tarnished because of me and have your practice slowly disintegrate. I don’t want the kids to be hurt any more by the cruelty of others, teasing and taunting them about what is happening to me. I can’t stand by and watch you all suffer like that anymore, so I am leaving to fight this battle with my mind and whoever messed it up in the first place, besides Stefano Dimera. I am so sorry that my past has come back to haunt us and I wish with all my might that I could stop your pain, I never wanted you to be hurt again because of me.
I want you to know that I will always love you with every ounce of who I am: heart, mind, body, and soul. You are everything to me and your unfailing love and support has kept me alive and at least partly sane through this madness that has plagued us. I wish there were some other way, Doc but if there is I just can’t see it. Oh, God! I’m sorry! I love you so much and it’s killing me to leave you like this, but I can’t bear to keep seeing the strain this is putting on you, the worry and fear in your eyes whenever you look at me. Marlena, all I ever wanted in this life was for you to be happy, but for some reason I will never understand I can’t seem to give you that. God knows how much I wish I could, how much I’ve tried! I want to see your eyes dance with delight the way they once did and to hear your laughter, but sharing a life with me won’t allow that to happen, so I have to go and maybe one day you will laugh again….. Please don’t let the kids forget me. I love you, I always have and I always will.
Goodbye Doc
As his tears dropped onto the paper he set the pen down and turned slowly toward the door, his eyes taking one last look around. Goodbye, I love you,” he said softly as he turned off the light, headed downstairs, set the alarm and then left the Penthouse. He walked slowly toward the Jeep and climbed in, started it up and drove away, not looking back. Within the hour, he would take off in a plane and possibly never return to the only home he had ever known. He was alone, totally alone now and he knew that if a person could actually die from heartache he would be dead on the spot.
Marlena had said she couldn’t make it for lunch, but she had an unexpected cancellation and hurried home to catch her husband, pleased that he had wanted to have lunch. He had been so withdrawn lately, almost secretive and she was even more worried about him. Abe didn’t seem to know what was happening and she had a hard time thinking of much else this morning, she would try again to get him to open up about what was going on with him, besides the obvious. As she turned the doorknob and entered the Penthouse, she called out, “John! I’m home honey, I had a cancellation, John?” She was talking as she walked over to the counter, no note. He must be upstairs, she thought. After disarming the alarm system, Marlena climbed the stairs and entered the bedroom, her eyes finding the note immediately. When she read the first few lines she burst into tears, “Oh, no John! That’s not the answer, honey…Oh, John!” She couldn’t take time to finish the letter, she had to stop him, this was exactly what the evil people who were tormenting him wanted, to get him handling it alone, he would break for sure without the support and love of his wife, friends and family. She pulled out her cell phone and called Abe. “Abe, it’s Marlena. Listen, John is trying to leave me to handle this whole ordeal alone, to spare me pain. You have to stop him, Abe. Please stop him! Now, I understand why he was acting so strangely, he’s been planning this for a couple of weeks, I’m sure of it! If we don’t prevent him from leaving now, we may never hear from him!”
“You’re right, I’ll put out an APB and seal off the bus and train stations and the airport. I’ll call you soon, Marlena.”
“Abe, I’m going to the airport first, will you meet me there after you handle things on your end?”
“Of course I will, that’s my best guess of where we’ll find him, if he hasn’t already left.”
“I pray he hasn’t Abe, or he’s in more danger than you can imagine, emotionally…and physically!” To the air she said, “Oh God… please don’t let him leave…please help us stop him from making such a horrible mistake! He simply can’t handle it all alone, Lord. Please delay him long enough for us to catch up with him!” She was praying as she ran back down the stairs and out the door to her car.
Over at the airport a short time later, the pilot was receiving last minute instructions from the tower and he listened cautiously.”Listen to me very carefully, this is Commander Abe Carver of the Salem Police owing with each passing moment. He was jarred out of his misery by the sound of the door opening; someone had found him, he looked up and was shocked to see Marlena and Abe standing there, staring at him with profound disappointment and concern on their faces. “So…you found me,” he said, a slight trace of a smile gracing his previously pained face.
“John, just what did you think you were doing…going off on your own? Have you lost your mind?” she asked and then winced at how he would interpret that choice of words. “I..mean..” she started.
With a wry smile he nodded and agreed, “Exactly… Doc, that’s why I’m leaving, because I am….losing it and all you can do is stand by and watch me fall apart…little by little and I can’t let you go through that pain. I don’t want to drag you down with me, Marlena, I can’t do that to you, I love you too much to put you through anymore of this… madness that surrounds me these days.” As the tears started to trickle out of his woeful eyes, he added, “This…marriage has caused you nothing but heartache and tears, so I..have to go now.”
Marlena stepped closer and gently touched his cheek, wiping some straggling tears away with her fingertips and saying tenderly, “No, John that is not true, I love you and I want to be with you, to stand at your side and help you get through this. John, your love brings me joy, I don’t want you to go, and you can’t want to leave me!”
While taking a step away from her, shaking his head, he said, “No, Marlena, but I can’t keep watching you suffer because of me.” Remembering the past with fondness, he said, “You used to smile, Doc and laugh… oh how you could fill my heart up with your laughter, but all I’ve given you is sadness and tears. That’s the last thing I wanted, but I can’t control this thing with my memories and these people who want to stop me from regaining them, they’re ruthless. They’ll never stop until I’m a broken man…in every aspect of my life. I’m going now, Doc. Please don’t stop me, I have to handle this alone and when it’s over, if I make it through alive and sane, I’ll be back.”
Marlena stood firm, “NO! I won’t let you leave, John. Running away is not the answer, it never works and you know that! These problems will follow you wherever you go!”
He didn’t argue this time. Instead, he nodded his head and said with quiet sadness, “Yes they will and I’m so glad for that because it means they won’t cause you pain anymore. Say goodbye now, Doc,” he said as a few more tears snuck out of his eyes and slid slowly down his cheeks.
Shaking her head no, her commitment steadfast, “No, I’m not going!” she said, folding her arms in front of her for emphasis.
She still wouldn’t cooperate with him and he didn’t know what else he could say to persuade her, so he forced himself to reject her. He turned away from her for a few moments and worked at putting on a differentfacial expression, one that would convince her to leave. Steeling himself against the agony he would feel and cause, he said harshly, “Marlena, I don’t want you anymore. Don’t you get it! This was my way of letting you down easy, it’s over now! I’m leaving Salem and I won’t be back, now get out of here!!” He shouted at her, “Go on, get out!! This is MY plane and I don’t want you here, either of you!” Each angry word he uttered tore at the fabric of his heart and seeing the pain it caused her was like having a dagger pierce clear through to his soul. The final words left him dead inside. “I don’t love you!” he yelled as he stared directly into her tear-filled eyes for less than a second, he couldn’t bear to see her agony for longer than that.
Marlena felt herself falling into a black hole, he had said words she never thought she would hear coming from his lips. Tears flowed like water from her wounded eyes. “Oh, John!” she cried. “How can you be so cruel to me?”
He had to glance away to summon the strength to continue the act, “Look, it didn’t work out, that’s the way it goes, and now it’s time for you to move on, start fresh, like I’m gonig to do. Go on, leave Marlena! GO!!”
Abe was shocked that he could talk this way to her, he seemed to mean it, but it couldn’t be true. John loved her with every part of him-self, that was absolute certainty and yet…. Maybe all the pressure on him had changed something fundamental within him… No, this must be an act, John is desperate to make her leave. “John, I know what you’re trying to do here and it won’t work, we know you don’t mean this.”
“Don’t I? Look, I’m tired of this! My plane is fueled and ready to go! I’ve got..plans, now why don’t you two just get back to whatever it is you have going here and leave me the hell alone!” Still they didn’t make a move and he did it again, somehow finding anger about what was happening and channeling it into his words to them. “I said GET OUT!!!” John suddenly waved a gun in their general direction, it wasn’t loaded, but they didn’t have to know that.
“JOHN! Put that down!!” shouted Abe who was incredulous his friend would take it this far, even if it was an act. Marlena was cowering near the door sobbing, believing John was serious, she couldn’t sift out the truth because his harsh words and cruel tone had hurt her so deeply.
With shaking hands, John took a step closer, leveling the gun, “I’m serious, I want you to get off my plane right now!” he yelled, on the verge of breaking down. If this didn’t work, he had no idea what else he would do to convince them to give up on him, but he simply couldn’t bear to have them go down with him when the pressure finally became so great that it pushed him into a complete emotional collapse.
Abe was convinced there was nothing else to say or do for the moment, so he calmly and quietly gathered up the weeping woman and helped her descend the stairs as John still pointed the gun at them. He shot John a confused, angry glare filled with bitter disappointment that nearly broke him on the spot. John moved quickly to shut the door behind them and then locked it. He managed to maintain his composure for one more minute, just long enough to tell the pilot to take off and then he slumped to the floor and let go of the gutwrenching sorrow that engulfed his soul. Holding his head between his hands, he started crying for the anguish and fear he had just caused his friend and the woman he loved more than his own life. “I’m so sorry, Doc….I just didn’t know what else to do to make you let me go. I did it for you and the kids. Oh, God I’m so sorry!” he cried out to the emptiness in the cabin, echoing the Emptiness in his entire being at the loss of all he held dear.
Chapter 53
Playing Hardball
Abe managed to get Marlena to his car and have her sit down on the front seat while he called the police cruisers that were standing by to surround the plane on the runway. Within a few minutes the plane was completely blocked from taking off. Marlena began to regain her composure after talking with Abe, who reassured her that everything John had just said and done was a lie, part of an act designed to make her let go so he could leave for her protection. She swiftly realized her friend was right and began to take steps to protect her husband from the potential disasterous end result of his own self-sacrificing tendencies.
As John heard the sirens, he moved frantically around the cabin, looking out the windows, quickly becoming cognizant that he had lost his opportunity to leave town. He sat down to rework his plan, thinking that he would just wait a day or two and try again, he was jarred out of his contemplation by the sound of forceful pounding on the door of the plane. “John, it’s Abe, I want you to open this door now, before we knock it down!”
John hesitated briefly, then took a step toward it. Again, his friend knocked hard, shouting, “JOHN, OPEN IT, NOW!”
After complying, he sat wearily down on the nearest seat. Abe entered with two uniformed policemen. Before John even realized what was happening, he was being manhandled and his hands were thrust behind his back and placed in cuffs. He shot an angry glare at Abe, who smiled and said, “Two can play hardball my friend. John Black, you are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to have an attorney present during questioning, if you….”
John interrupted angrily, “Save it, Abe! I KNOW my rights, what’s the charge!”
Abe motioned to the uniform cops to leave them alone to talk, he didn’t want them hearing any more than necessary about John’s problems. “I’m still working on it, but Marlena on the other hand, now she’s got commitment papers in the works, so in case I can’t hold you for long, she can have you hospitalized in a locked psychiatric facility. It seems the pressure is just getting to be too much and you….became very unstable and therefore you fit the criteria for involuntary commitment. You are now considered to be *dangerous to self or others,* actually pulling a gun on your wife and best friend. It’s a shame that you’re having such a hard time of it, John. We have no choice but to force you to get help.”
John was concerned, but denied it nonetheless, “Dammit, you can’t do this to me! That’s not true, I’m not dangerous to anybody, that gun’s not even loaded Abe. Come on, it won’t hold up in court, they’ll have to let me go.”
“Do you honestly think they’ll question Marlena’s judgement, and Laura’s and Mike’s too? We’ve called them and they’re prepared to testify to your intense distress over the past several months at the commitment hearing, John. Don’t forget the car accident, the publicly viewed flashbacks.. the fact that your claim about the drug addiction being forced has yet to be proven.” Abe stopped when he saw his words were sinking in because it was obviously very painful for John to hear it repeated. “We CAN do this!”
Realizing he was in a no-win scenario, he admitted frustratedly, “Okay….you’re right, you probably can.” John had to try to make his friend see the wisdom of the choice he had tried to make, “Abe, listen to me, you know that what I said to her was the truth, these people are going to ruin me and everybody who…cares for me is going down right along with me. Can’t you understand why I had to do this? I can’t sit back and let you all be dragged under, it’s not fair!”
“Yes, I can, but John you need to understand something too. We care about you very much and we just can’t let you go off on your own right now. Between the memories of abuse and the dreams and flashbacks it’s too much for you to handle all alone. The fact is that you need us to survive this ordeal and recover your past. At least admit that to yourself, John.”
John sat down as comfortably as possible with the handcuffs on and sighed with immense weariness, hating the fact that he had been in a dependent position for so long. “Yea…I know you’re right… I…can’t do it on my own, but….I don’t want to cause Doc any more pain, Abe.. I hate seeing the tension in her face, the constant look of worry for me…the tears she cries late at night when she thinks I don’t hear her.What’s happening to me is tearing her apart, Abe!” To know that his problems were so stressful and upsetting to Marlena was the worst part of it for John.
Abe could see how badly his close friend was hurting for Marlena. John had always hated to see her in pain and when he felt it was because of him, it was much worse. “I know it’s very hard on her, John but she loves you. You’re married and you both made a commitment to stay, even when it’s tough, even when you’re hurting. So, you can’t run out on her now; her fear for you will cause her more pain than the stress of being with you, John. Wondering where you are, if you’re okay, worrying about the traumatic memories you’re facing… all of that would be worse for her.”
Oh, Abe what are we gonna do?” he asked, questioning whether the nightmare would ever come to an end. He was thoroughly demoralized at the moment. “Why don’t they just shoot me and get it overwith?” he asked with eyes shut, almost wishing it would happen.
Abe hated to see his friend suffering so much. He sat down next to him and took the handcuffs off, then put his arm over the dejected man’s slumped shoulders. John rubbed his wrists briefly and then put his head in his hands and wept softly, he seemed to do that fairly often lately, and he considered briefly how it was that the body could keep manufacturing so much moisture. “It’s going to be okay, John..somehow you’ll make it through this. I won’t let them win!”
John looked up through his tear-filled eyes, squinting and trying to see if his friend believed that statement or had just said it to encourage him. When he turned his head slightly, he noticed there was someone else in the cabin with them. Marlena had dried her tears and composed herself. John stared up at her and was filled with remorse as he saw her still slightly flushed cheeks and the remnants of tears. “I’msorry, Doc..I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it, you know I didn’t mean it!”He was crying again, for her pain, for everything his nightmare had done to her. With a trembling voice he looked at her with a guilty expression and continued his apologetic explanation, “I’m so sorry for what I said, I love you…so much! I just can’t stand to see you so unhappy because of me…. I know that you.. cry by yourself at night sometimes and I..just…wanted that to end, I want to see you smile and enjoy your life again, Doc, that’s all. And I thought that if I left….maybe you would move on and be happy someday.” John was still sitting and looked down at the floor, feeling ashamed of what he had said to her, yet a part of him wishing he had been successful in his attempt to leave to save her more suffering. He knew his trials and tribulations were far from over.
She moved in to Abe’s spot on the seat and hugged her distraught husband close to her, saying, “Oh, honey…I know you didn’t mean it and I know you want to spare me pain, but there is something that you seem to keep forgetting, John. We took wedding vows and I intend to honor them.” Taking his face in her hands and staring straight into his melancholy blue eyes, she said very firmly and convincingly, “Get it through your thick skull, I LOVE YOU, John Black! You are my husband and the love of my life and I will be by your side for the rest of your natural life. In good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer… have you got that!”
She said it all with such utter conviction that he found her faith in their love and marriage impossible to resist. All he could was nod and say, “Yes, Doc I’ve got it… God, I love you,” he said, sniffing and wiping his cheeks with the back of his bent fingers as the tears started flowing again. “I love you so much!” he said with intensity as he embraced her again, clinging to that strong sense of security she wanted
to give him.
“Good, now let’s go home,” she said firmly as she held him a moment longer before helping him stand up, preparing to leave the plane.
Abe stood back watching admiringly as the couple embraced and talked of their love. He took the time to send the squad back to their regular duties. This particular crisis was past, John wouldn’t try to leave again, that much was certain. It was clear that John was finally convinced that he needed the love and support of his wife to survive his ordeal and that their marriage commitment was forever, regardless of the suffering. He would stay in Salem and let all the people who loved him help him handle this most difficult period of his life, no matter the consequences. They freely chose to love him and accepted whatever pain went along with the package.
Chapter 54
It’s All About Details
Jack Henderson sat on the back porch of his expansive home in one of the Maryland suburbs. He was waiting for some phone calls updating him on the latest information about John Black and his emotional state, the progress of the ongoing plans to cause him to fall into mental collapse and the man’s own progress toward recovering his memories. While waiting, he was watching the latest videotapes he had been sent by his people in Salem. Though he was fighting hard to hold onto his sanity and keep his marriage and his life together, the man was obviously continuing to have great difficulties. Black had turned his businesses completely over to Victor Kiriakis to oversee and they had hired some top-notch marketing and public relations people to salvage his badly tarnished reputation. Their attempts had been largely unsuccessful thus far, but the people were definitely talented and Henderson had to admit they were doing the groundwork and might have significant impact at some point. However, the man had recently gotten in a publicly viewed fight with his wife’s ex-husband and the way the videos were shot and edited, it was obvious he had started the fight, more evidence of instability. ‘Good work, Roman..if you only knew what you were really doing,’ Henderson said in his mind.
There was more film of John Black in his private jet holding a gun on his wife and best friend and then a clip of him in handcuffs for that same action after trying to leave Salem. Jack’s operatives had installed a miniature camera inside the man’s plane cabin and lucked out with that footage which was also well edited to indicate that the man was both mentally ill and dangerous, with the man’s own friend making such a statement about him. Another clip showed John Black drinking at a local bar one night, it had been after a particularly troubling day of delving into his memories of the night he was beaten, drugged and left to suffer in an abandoned warehouse outside of town. He only
had a couple of beers, but the videoclip wouldn’t indicate that, it would be seen as one
more piece of evidence when packaged correctly for the next attack move using the scandal hungry press. They would eat it up and the condemming material would be on every local news channel and radio station in the region in a few short hours. It wasn’t necessary yet, but the time might come soon.
The only possible impediment to the success of the plans at this point seemed to be the fact that John’s friends were now working closely with him to uncover the truth of what was happening to him. Bo Brady and Abe Carver were both reportedly fine detectives and when combined with Dr. Evan’s skills and the journal John was keeping, they might just be able to cause some trouble. Especially if they managed by some stroke of luck to connect Brady to the drugging. It wasn’t likely and the group Henderson formed had hoped John would soon crack under the strain of the pressure already placed upon him, but steps to nullify the investigative efforts of Black’s friends might need to be taken soon. Finally, the phone rang. “Henderson….He listened, then answered, “Yes I’ve seen the footage, it looks great…it won’t be any problem selling the press on the idea that he has completely lost it.”
“Jack…I want to be there when he cracks up, when he loses everything that is important to him. I want to see it up close, he killed my father. The police said it was self-defense, but I know differently. He is gonna suffer for the rest of his miserable life for that, I swear it!”
“Peter…calm down…this has to be done methodically, they can’t connect it to anyone in particular. That’s the beauty of what’s been done so far. There is only one name involved and nobody believes he would have anything to do with what has happened to our…friend. It’s perfect, just stay cool and you’ll get your chance to see him suffer. I’ll send you some copies of the tapes we’ve been making to help bring about his downfall, would that help?”
A wicked laugh followed, “Yes….I need some entertainment once in awhile, send me everything you’ve got, and I’ll pop some popcorn.” “Oh…you are…a cold one Peter Blake, your father would be quite proud of you.” ”
Thank you Jack, thank you very much. Keep me posted, won’t you? I’ll wait anxiously for the tapes to arrive.” Peter lingered by the telephone for a minute, wishing it would happen faster, but understanding the need for the slow methodical destruction of the man’s strength of will, the tarnishing of his reputation, the need to build a case for the man’s gradual descent into drug addiction and complete mental collapse. It had to happen the way they planned so that if by some chance the man ever regained the buried memories he wouldn’t be believable to anyone but his wife and his closest friends. Peter spoke out loud, “I can’t wait to see it all on tape, such sweet revenge and the best part about it is that you don’t have a clue I’m involved in it…ha ha ha!” Looking at a picture of his deceased father, he said, “Stefano… he’s paying the price and he’s going to keep on paying until he is a broken man. He will lose everything and everyone he cares about in this world and end up in the looney bin by the time we’re finished with him. I hope I’ve done you proud father,” he finished as he set the picture frame back down on the desk before him.
What Peter didn’t realize was that he was overheard when he talked out loud and the person who was standing outside the den knew exactly who he was referring to when he spoke of revenge. Quietly, the observer slipped away to consider the best response to what had just been discovered. “What should I do? Who can I talk to about this?” asked the eavesdropper while walking down the hall toward another room to ponder the =alternatives.
Back in Salem, later that same day…it became a foggy night. A man sat out on the pier, it was a place he had been coming to think for his entire life. He recalled his boyhood days of fishing with his father and brother, those were such simple times and he longed sometimes to return to those days. Tonight he was lost in thought, his mind trying to make sense out of the strange and painful headaches he was getting with increasing frequency, of late. It seemed whenever he felt the slightest bit of remorse for what he was doing, Roman felt intense pain in his head and then the thoughts and feelings were gone. It also happened when he attempted to analyze and understand the reasons why he hated John Black so much. It couldn’t be avoided, he had to try even if it hurt severely; it just wasn’t like him and it was growing increasingly more difficult to look himself in the mirror and ignore the call of his conscience for helping to destroy a man he had called a good friend at one time. He also couldn’t stop himself from hearing Marlena cry for how much her husband was suffering. He had heard her break down in tears during many conversations with his mother and he recalled her terrified screams on the day of the fight he had with John. Roman felt very guilty about her distress too, about the whole situation, actually.
He asked himself out loud, the question that had plagued him whenever he worked at remembering that fateful night, “Could I really hate him enough to beat him up, drug him and leave him half dead in an abandoned warehouse to suffer cold turkey heroine withdrawal…all because of an affair that happened four years ago?” Roman searched himself for a minute longer, the pain starting to build and then said, “No…it’s not right…there must be..more….” All conscious processing stopped as the pain became excruciating. Ohhhh!! God!! My head!! he cried out, holding it between his hands. He managed to take a few staggering steps and then he slumped down on the bench nearby. He was unconscious within seconds.
Someone was watching him……..
At the Penthouse, Marlena, Abe, Lexie, Bo and Laura were sitting with John, talking about everything that happened during the past several months. Abe and Lexie shared what they had found out about Roman, there were some gaps in his story about when and where he was when John was being beaten and drugged. They reviewed all the details of John’s ordeal which they attempted to correspond with Roman’s activities during that same three day period. Marlena became concerned when John withdrew from the conversation, but when he went out onto the balcony, she was worried. When she got there he was leaning on the railing looking out over the city..enjoying the lights. It was peaceful at night, he went out there often.
“Hey…you, how are you holding up?” asked Marlena as she put her arms around him from behind. He was tired of it all and his sigh gave her the answer she was seeking. “We’re missing you in there…you want to join us?” “Nah…you go ahead, Doc…I’m doing fine out here by myself,” he said, wanting to be left alone.
“John, I know this must be so hard for you to have those details repeated again and again. This has been such a painful period of your life, and the drug withdrawal was a very frightening experience.”
He nodded absently, part of him wanting to act as if it had never happened, another part still feeling deeply damaged from it. Finally, he agreed with her, yet discounted her concern, “Yea…I
She understood that he wanted things to be normal, but also felt the need to help him recognize why she was so concerned and and encourage him at the same time. “How can I help it, John? What you have been through these past several months would destroy most people. You amaze me sometimes, and your decision to leave to try and protect us is one more indication of your strength. The fact that you were willing to do that when you have suffered so much, when you weren’t sure that you could handle the pressure all by yourself is just another thing about you that astounds me, John.”
“Doc, you don’t have to keep trying to build me up all the time, you know. I’m okay,” he said, feeling irritated due to the perception he had that people felt sorry for him.
“Honey, do you think I am paying you false compliments just to make you feel better? Well, I am not doing that at all. I…love you and I’m telling you what I see in you, that’s what I’m doing, John.”
Discouragement and disbelief in his voice, he said, “Yea…sure, Marlena. Look, I think I’m gonna go out for awhile…I need to stretch my legs a little, I feel…cooped up here. Bye Doc.” The tension he felt quite obvious, he gave her a quick peck on the cheek and was halfway to the door before anyone could even say anything.
Marlena turned and followed, calling out to him, “No, John.. honey, please stay with us. We’re on the verge of making a breakthrough here, aren’t we Abe?” she asked, feeling truly hopeful about that and desperate to keep John from going out. He seemed so withdrawn again, ever since she and Abe had stopped him from leaving a few days earlier. He shook his head and frowned slightly, not even that could hold his interest at this point. “Nah…you can fill me in…I…gotta go…thanks for coming everybody…for helping.” In another second he was gone. John was running again, finding it too painful to confront the lack of progress with his memories and revisit the pain. It seemed like he would never regain them and like every aspect of his life was falling apart right before his eyes with him powerless to stop it. He felt helpless and angry and he simply had to get away from the sympathetic eyes. They all did it, they all felt sorry for Poor John… ‘Oh how I hate that expression on their faces!’ he said in his mind as he shut the door forcefully behind him.
Marlena looked at the door for a minute and then sat down hard in an armchair, feeling helpless herself. She was doing everything she knew to reach out to him, to make him feel loved and secure with her, but it wasn’t working. John was as depressed as ever and she felt him slipping away from her again. “Oh, John!” she cried. Laura approached her friend, saying, “He’ll be okay, Marlena, he needs to get away from the pressure sometimes and he’s trying to regain his strength, but he doesn’t know how, so he’s struggling. He’s angry and frustrated and he alternates between taking it out on himself and you and when he does that he feels guilty for upsetting you any further…am I right?”
She nodded wearily. “I don’t know how to help him, Laura! He’s hurting so much and I can’t seem to find anything that makes him feel hopeful!” Laura held her and encouraged her to release the tears of concern. Marlena cried for a long while, wishing there were some way for John to regain the memories and begin to heal. “The pain and suffering must seem endless to him, Laura. I wish we could find a way to really help him with all of this!”
Approximately an hour later, as they waited for John to return, Abe’s cell phone rang, “Carver here,” he answered. He listened and then said, “Oh, no…how long….no..he wouldn’t…no, I don’t believe it!”
“What Abe?,” Marlena asked anxiously. He hushed her, trying to listen to the details.
“Was there any useful information other than that, anything about a location, a ransom note? He was quiet again and then reacted strongly again, “I’m telling you, he didn’t do it! Has he been picked up? Good, don’t, not until I find him and talk to him and that’s an order!” Abe shut the cell phone down and turned to the group, thinking about what he had just heard. When he hesitated, Marlena jumped in, “Abe, please, just tell us what that was all about!”
“Well, it…seems that Roman is missing, he was..apparently injured somehow and then taken by force from the pier and the evidence at the scene…. strongly indicates that John was involved. He’s in very serious trouble, Marlena.”
“Oh my God, Abe, you know John didn’t do it! Someone else must have done this and set John up to take the blame. They must have been waiting for John to leave here. Abe, you have to find Roman and help John prove his innocence!”
“I’ll try, Marlena…but I have to tell you, the evidence they have on him is solid. It seems that John was definitely at the scene during the time in question; several witnesses placed him there and therewas significant physical evidence to substantiate their accounts.”
Marlena shook her head in disbelief, “Oh, my God, how much worse can this get? What can he possibly know that is worth doing all of this to him? And now, Roman is hurt by it too…. Oh, what are we going to do?” she asked all of her friends, feeling so frightened for her husband and the other man to whom she had once given her heart.
Chapter 55 (part one)
A Corner Piece Comes In Handy
As they prepared to leave the Penthouse, Bo and Abe checked in with some key personnel and Lexie called several of John and Marlena’s friends to see if John had contacted anyone since he left the Penthouse. It was possible he had an alibi, at least they prayed he did, but they had no luck. Nobody had seen or heard from John within the past several hours. “Marlena, we’ll find him, and Roman too, try not to worry too much. We’ll call you as soon as we know anything,” said Abe, wanting to encourage Marlena, who was on the verge of hysterics over this latest crisis. There had been too many challenges in the short marriage of John and Marlena Black and the strain was wearing on her tremendously. Seeing that Lexie and Laura had matters well in hand with Marlena, Abe and Bo went out to find John, hoping that some uniformed officer didn’t take had happened and would be caught completely off guard by the accusation made against him. They had to get to him first, it was absolutely imperative.
John was out wandering the streets of Salem, trying to steer clear of the police, who were obviously looking for him. When he arrived at the pier an hour or two earlier, he saw someone being abducted and tried to help, but was hit from behind and went down and out briefly. By the time he came to awareness, got up and went after whomever it was, they were long gone. It was pitch black out and one of the lamps had burned out, so he didn’t notice the items he left behind, or rather someone made sure were left there to implicate him. He was nearby when the police came and listened to what they said from a distance, catching only bits and pieces of conversations. What he did hear quite clearly was that witnesses had placed him at the scene, physical evidence was found to substantiate that and the officers believed John Black had injured and abducted Roman Brady with the motive of revenge for a perceived wrong the man had commited against him. They also believed that John truly was an addict and only hallucinated or possibly even lied about the idea that Roman had drugged him and left him to suffer in the warehouse. It was pretty clear that very few people believed John’s claim to have been forced into addiction. He was in serious trouble now and he knew he had to stay out of jail; he firmly believed the only way to stay safe and prove his innocence was to remain a free man. John was prepared to do almost anything to keep from being arrested for a crime he did not commit, he had his fill of that painful routine in Aremid. John shuddered visibly as he remembered being strapped to the chair in the gas chamber as the toxic substance flowed all around him, his lungs being slowly poisoned. John made a vow, “This time will be different, I’m not going to stand trial and risk being sent to prison or…worse for something I didn’t do. I’ll never go through that…hell again!”
After listening for awhile to get a good idea on the case being built against him, John decided to take a risk and call his friend. ‘Good thing I took the cell phone with me,’ he thought. John dialed Abe’s number while hiding low in the bushes in the far side of the park. “Carver here,” he heard. “Abe, listen it’s me….I’m in big trouble partner, I need your help.”
“I know, John, where are you?”
“Sorry, I can’t tell you. I’ll meet you somewhere, but you have to swear to me, Abe…you won’t..call in the boys to arrest me. Whatever happened on that pier tonight, I didn’t do it. This was a set-up..please believe me!” he said, pleading with his friend to have faith in his innocence. Without hesitation, Abe replied, “John, I do believe you and I promise you, it will be just Bo and I, okay?” It felt good to have their belief in him.
“Thanks…Abe…how bad does it look for me?” he asked, afraid of the answer, but needing to know. His friend sighed heavily, “I’m not going to lie to you, John, it’s very bad. There are several reliable eyewitness accounts which are very closely matched to your description and several pieces of physical evidence found at the scene. It was Roman who was abducted, John. They found some items that I know are yours and they’ve got your fingerprints all over them. One of them was your gun, John, and it had been fired. There was blood on it and on the ground and it’s all being analyzed right now.”
There was silence for a long moment and Abe wondered if John was still there. “John?” he inquired. It was what happened with Tony, all over again. After several moments of silence, John replied with exasperation and fear, “Oh my God!! What could I possibly know that would make them want to go this far Abe?”
Abe could practically feel his friend’s anxiety from listening to his voice. He tried to reassure John, saying, “I don’t know buddy, but I promise you we’re going to find out somehow. Now, where do you want to meet?”
John answered quickly, “At the shelter house in the far side of the park, the one nobody uses much anymore, can you make it in fifteen?”
“No problem, we’ll be there and John….try not to worry too much, we’ll work this out.” “Yea…right..see you soon.” he replied with obvious skepticism, then broke the connection. John knew better, it was going to get very ugly before it was over and could easily result in either jail time or a long life on the run from the authorities. “Dammit!” he cried out to the air. Why can’t I remember it? What could I know that somebody is so desperate to keep me from exposing?”
John found his way to the shelter without being detected, then sat down on a picnic table and set out to immerse himself in the memory fragments he did recall clearly. He knew there were two very key memories, the first was the one where Stefano had him beaten…almost to death trying to obtain some information he thought John had, the other one involving some kind of experience similar to the brainwashing suffered at Stefano’s hand, but in a different place, with several others playing the role of tormentor.
John traveled back in his mind to his time with Stefano, battling to recall precisely what it was the man wanted him to reveal. He heard Stefano’s angry frustrated voice, “TELL ME, JOHN!! Tell me or you will die a very slow and agonizing death!” The monster gestured to his man, who took a knife out and ran the blade very slowly up and down John’s face and around his neck and then down his bare chest toward his beltline. The man pressed the tip down just hard enough to hurt and make his immobilized victim realize that he would be sliced open with the slightest movement. John shuddered and gasped with fear, but didn’t relent. At that Stefano was enraged and made another gesture and the man cut him slightly in the flesh of his exposed underarm. The cut was painful and bled significantly as the arm was outstretched in restraints and John couldn’t completely stifle a cry of pain as his sweat made the wound sting all the more. “Oh…you sick bastard, go ahead and kill me, but I’m not giving in to you, I’ll never tell you!”
Another slice. “Oh, God!” he cried as the other arm was cut too.
Stefano replied heartlessly and grabbed John’s face with his right hand, pressing hard on his cheeks, “Sorry, John, but God can’t help you now. I own you. Your people obviously don’t care about you, they gave you up, John. They have no loyalty to you, you were…expendable. Why suffer through this painful death for them when they haven’t even tried to help you?”
He was thinking about it in the present….”Who gave me up? Who…dammit, what was I doing, who was I working for?” John cried out. Then came the headache, he had pushed too far already….”Oh, no! No…stay with it, John, stay with it, don’t let the headache win this time!” He pushed for the memory, going to the moment where he was sliced by the sharp blade for the third time. He was saying, “NEVER!” and the blade pierced his right underarm, causing serious bleeding and he screamed in pain. It was so real that this time that John collapsed onto the cold concrete floor of the shelter house; he was completely wrapped up in the memory now and felt the pain of the stab wounds. “Oh God, help me!” he cried out. Abe and Bo were approaching the shelter house, walking quietly, making sure nobody saw them as they prepared to enter and they heard his body fall to the floor and the tortured cry he made.
Rushing in, calling out to him, they saw him lying down clutching his underarms with his hands and moaning in pain. They weren’t sure what was happening, neither had actually witnessed a flashback before. It took them several minutes to realize that he wasn’t actually injured as rolled back and forth and cried out, “No, don’t cut me again, please don’t cut me…Oh, God it hurts!”
Shaking him gently, Abe said, “John…hey..buddy, it’s Abe and Bo…come on….you’re okay, John. Nobody is trying to hurt you,” Abe said reassuringly.
After a few more frightening moments, John seemed to come to some awareness of his true surroundings, his eyelids fluttered several times and then his eyes came open all the way. There was confusion as he looked up uncertainly into the concerned faces of his two closest friends. “Abe, Bo? What…happened? I was…” He stopped, his brows furrowed as he attempted to figure out what had just taken place and where he was.
“We found you on the ground here, doubled over as if you were in pain, I think you were….remembering,” said Abe, moving to help John get up off the ground and take a seat on the picnic table bench.
He nodded, his mind letting him retrieve part of it, “Oh…yea..I..was back with Stefano when had me the first time. He wanted me to tell him something and he said that my people had given me up, that I was expendable and that I shouldn’t be loyal to them because they had shown no loyalty to me. I was lying on my back…strapped to a table with my arms above my head and when I wouldn’t tell him, he had his man cut me. That’s what you saw when you came in; the guy sliced up my underarms.”
“Oh, John…the things that man did to you…” said Abe, his voice trailing off, not wanting to dwell further on the pain.
John was now occupied with taking his shirt off to look for the scars and was strangely surprised to find them. He had never noticed them before or had that memory; they were well hidden under the hair. He mechanically put the shirt on and sank down on the bench again, clutching his own body while remembering the pain and fear he felt when the wounds were being inflicted. “Damm him, he’s dead and…he’s still with me….the tatoo, these scars and in the memories that I…can’t regain. He’s still haunting me, DAMMIT!!” John cried out in frustration and pounded the wooden picnic table in front of him. “I need to remember what it was he wanted, it’s crucial, Abe. I’m going to try again,” he said as he shut his eyes tightly, going back in his mind again. Bo and Abe exchanged concerned glances, but made no attempt to convince John otherwise. They sat down across the table from him and watched.
The headache came right away as he went straight to the point where he was stabbed the third time. Ignoring the intense pain in his head, John pushed…harder to recapture the memory. What did you want Old Man, what did I know that would help you? He heard the voice again, “TELL ME THE NAMES, JOHN!! Tell me or he’ll keep slicing you up until there’s nothing left but a bloody mess.”
He cried out in the memory, “NO! NO! I won’t tell you their names, go ahead and kill me!” What names, John? Whose names did he want? John delved as deeply as he could into his subconscious to retrieve the memory and the pain was excruciating. Abe was worried as he looked at the contorted features of his friend’s face and watched John as he sat holding his head between his hands, but he didn’t dare interfere with the process. He knew how vital it was to John to recall this particular incident. It could be the key to solving the entire mystery of his past. Suddenly, John tried to stand up, the pain increasing by the second. “I remember! I remember!!” he shouted. “OH GOD, the PAIN!!!” John had to say it all out loud because he instinctively knew he wouldn’t remember when the pain took him into the darkness of unconsciousnees which beckoned. With agony in his voice, he managed to tell them the most critical parts of the memory. Clutching his head between his hands, he said in pain-filled broken phrases,
“He…. wanted ….names of…other…operatives working against him, I was… involved….in a….joint project with the…CIA and the ISA to take down…his whole…. international organization when he..took me!” Suddenly he screamed, “Oh GOD…MY HEAD!!” When those words had been spoken, he couldn’t fight the pain anymore and collapsed. Abe and Bo were able to move around the table and catch him just in time to keep him from landing hard on the ground. They eased him down onto the bench and then sat there in shock as neither had ever witnessed anything quite like the fierce determination to fight off excruciating pain as John had just demonstrated.
They could only begin to imagine what he suffered with Stefano, but they saw the agony caused by the headache in the tensed muscles of his face as he forced himself to recall the memory that those organizations didn’t want him to have. “Oh, Abe…that was… incredible, he is so strong!” said Bo in awe of John’s pain tolerance. Shaking his head in wonder, Abe agreed, “I know….what he has been through in his life….it’s amazing he is alive and sane at all after the torture he has endured. I hope he’ll be okay. That pain must have been…unbelievable. Did you see his face?”
Bo nodded, still in shock. “Yea…I’d have sworn it could have killed him from looking at him.” Abe was finally able to shake it off a little, as he nodded and said, “Bo, that was a memory he has been fighting to recall for a long time now, he knew it was important. Now we know who it is for sure that has been behind this whole campaign of terror against him. Whatever else he did for the agencies, they don’t want him to remember it. There must have been some unsanctioned activities he was involved in for them.”
“Yea, but there’s more to it than that, isn’t there? I know it, Abe!”
“Like what…Bo?” asked Abe, still thinking about what John had said about a joint project, wondering just what that entailed.
Bo was walking around the shelter house…thinking about the myriad of possibilities. “Well, what if..”‘ he started and then thought better of it for a moment. He reconsidered his thought out loud, “No…they couldn’t be that…heartless, could they?”
“Yes, whatever it is, they’re capable of anything, Bo. Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
Chapter 55 (part two)
A Corner Piece Comes In Handy
Bo decided that his friend was probably right in that conclusion and shared his theory, “Well, do you remember how John said there was coruption in the higher levels of the ISA around the time when he found out he wasn’t Roman? Abe, what if….they knew about what Stefano was doing to John all along and just sat back and watched it happen…as…research in…mind control or something?”
Abe knew it was true the minute the words came out of Bo’s mouth as he had wondered about that possibility a few times before himself. That was it, the main reason for the whole nightmare John was living since the first few weeks of his marriage. “My God! That’s it, Bo. That’s what it’s all been about! They knew Stefano had him, they knew about the torture and the brainwashing, they knew his real identity…everything….all along!” Abe felt powerful waves of nausea …and he shook his head to clear it of murderous thoughts.
Walking around the shelter, Abe continued shaking his head and said in disgust, “Oh, God, this is so…sick, Bo! All these years without knowing….what they’ve allowed him to suffer…for their own selfish pursuits….it’s insane! And then when it was over, when Roman came back and they retrieved the Mayan codices, they didn’t even lift a finger to help him learn about his true identity, they kept it hidden and destroyed any evidence that would have helped him. I am so ANGRY about this!! They are going to pay, I swear it Bo, I’m going after every single one of them!!”
Bo was still putting it all together too and asked what came to mind next, ” Abe…what about Roman…do you think they knew where he was all along too, did they just let him rot in that jungle for seven years so they could see how well the brainwashing worked on John? And what about what John said about Roman’s involvement in the drugging that was done? Where does that fit in?”
Abe was pondering the same issues, but had no definitive reply. “I don’t know the answers to those questions any more than you do, but I would imagine that if he was a part of what has happened recently, he was being used. I doubt he knew the whole story or if he did, they found a way to manipulate him with lies or…worse.”
Bo nodded and agreed with his friend, “That’s what I think too, especially since he’s missing now and John was set up to take the blame. It’s the perfect way to divert attention from them. They make it appear as a personal problem between two men who loved the same woman…nothing more. Their hands are clean and they ruin the lives of two…expendable agents and keep their secrets safe from exposure.” Abe was certain of it now and spoke firmly, “Right, Bo, they set it up to look like John is completely unreliable, so whatever he does remember isn’t taken seriously by anyone and Roman conveniently disappears, maybe to be further brainwashed so he doesn’t even remember it or…worse. Who knows about that part of it,” Abe finished, hoping whoever was responsible for the whole plot wouldn’t go so far as to kill the man to protect their hideous mistreatment of two good men.
Bo took it the next step and expressed his opinion about what they needed to do to help both men he loved as brothers, “We have to find Roman and make sure he’s allright, Abe, and then figure out what he knows. We have to come up with a way to prove what we believe is true. I think maybe Roman was there with John, but he doesn’t remember it consciously now. Something was done to him, Abe, I’ve seen him get these headaches once in awhile, kind of like the one John just had only less intense and he covers it quickly.”
His friend nodded, having a vague recollection as well, “Yes, I’ve seen it a couple of times too, come to think of it. They’re both being abused and manipulated again! We are going to stop it! If it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to help them both!” Their attention was redirected as they heard John groaning, “Oh…what happened? My head…oh man…what a headache!” he said, putting a hand to the source of the pain, as he tried to clear his cloudy mind. After sitting up and remaining silent for a moment or two, he realized something important had occured by looking again at the worried faces of his two best friends. “Tell me, Abe..Bo what happened, did I remember something?” he asked hopefully. After exchanging questioning glances, Abe answered, “Yes, John you did and we’ve been figuring some things out based on what you said. John it’s all pretty…difficult to..handle.”
Still trying to clear out the cobwebs, John said, “Just tell me, it can’t get much worse than it is now; what did I remember?”
Abe sighed, knowing there was no way to soften the blow, “Okay, you remembered that you were working on a joint project with the CIA and the ISA to take down Stefano Dimera when he captured you and held you hostage. You remembered that what he wanted was the names of the other operatives working with you on it. You didn’t give them, I assume.” It came back to him suddenly and John said quietly while remem-bering the suffering he endured beyond that particular incident, “No…I didn’t. That must have been when he decided to…brainwash me to believe I was Roman. I think I must have been posing as a priest somehow to..infiltrate…”
John stopped suddenly, a puzzled expression appearing on his face as he thought about Rachel and Marlena and the possession, and he switched directions slightly, “but then how did I…” It was too much to deal with all at once, so he shook his head and dismissed those questions for the time being. John looked to Abe and Bo and could see from observing their nonverbals that there was more they weren’t telling him. “What else did I remember?” he asked assertively.
“Nothing, John it’s just that we…Oh, John I don’t even know how to tell you this, but we think…” Abe stopped, not wanting John to have to face more pain about his situation and looked over at Bo, who simply nodded as if to say, ‘we have to tell him.’ John looked at both of his friends and it was clear they were resistent to tell him something they perceived would hurt him. Putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder to get him to look him in the eye, John pushed for the answer, “Tell me Abe, I have to know!” He didn’t care how bad it got, he needed the whole story more than anything else. He would find a way to deal with whatever was there, he just had to learn as much about his past as he possibly could, in order to move forward with his life.
Realizing how important it was by seeing the serious expression on his friend’s face, Abe answered reluctantly, “Allright, John. We believe, based on what you remembered that we know why there has been so much pressure on you, why they tried to make you go crazy and forced the drugs, the press campaign to ruin you…everything that has happened these past several months. We think that…the CIA and/or the ISA…knew where you were and that they knew what Stefano was doing to you…to your mind. John, we believe they knew your real identity the whole time you thought you were Roman.”
The look of horror that crossed his rugged features was soul piercing. The sense of betrayal Abe and Bo saw was gutwrenchingly painful to observe. There was nothing they could do now, so they stood silently by his side, while he started to address the reality of what had happened to him. John shook his head as if that motion could help him avoid the sense of terror it engendered to even consider the possibility.
“Oh….my…God, ” he said very slowly with ragged breaths in between his words. Staring at Abe with angry eyes, he said, “You mean to tell me that…my own.. government, the people who…trained me and sent me to take him down for his rimes…they…knew…
about the torture and the brainwashing and they just…let it happen without trying to help me! All along, they knew he had me, they knew who I was and they just let me…suffer and then…stood back and watched me live someone else’s life while mine was taken away?” He shut his eyes and covered his face with his hands, attempting to force the powerful feelings down. The struggled caused his head to pound again, his insides to feel nauseated and his body to tremble from the physical and emotional tension that was building as his thoughts chased themselves around his brain.
The distress grew with each passing second and John started pacing as he confronted the ugly truth, “Oh my God, Abe…h….how could they do that to me? Even when Roman came back… they let me….search aimlessly trying to learn about my past. My own government kept my true identity from me…for what!!” he asked, staring at his friend with great intensity, praying there was an answer he could live with, that the suffering hadn’t all been in vain.
Knowing it was only going to cause more pain, Abe hated to tell his friend the truth as he believed it, but realized it had to happen. “John, we think they wanted to….learn about the techniques of mind control that Stefano and his..people were using, that they wanted to see how successful it all was so they could take advantage of the results of his experiments. So, they just let it happen after they learned what he was doing to you. We’re not sure about what they knew regarding Roman and where he was during the years he was missing, but we’re convinced that they knew about you and that it’s the main reason they don’t want you to remember your past now. They’re afraid you’ll expose them, John.”
John was still trembling visibly from the anger and frustration about the loss of memories and all the years of his life. It was agony to know that it could have been stopped, that there were answers to be found all along from someone other than Stefano. While pacing like a caged animal, he cried out incredulously; absently running his fingers through his thick hair, he said with a shaky voice, “All this time? I still don’t remember most of my life… my childhood…parents, friends, jobs.. places…everything, and they know!” Angry tears filled his eyes as he continued to face the painful truth of the worst betrayal of his life, “They let Stefano take my memories from me and replace them with Roman’s, knowing I might never get them back. He stole my life and they just sat back and watched it happen like I was some kind of a…lab rat! And still today, they know all about me….Oh my God! I gave everything I had inside while I was working for them. I risked my life a hundred times over and this is how they repaid me!” John kicked a metal trash can clear across the room in an attempt to vent some of what he was feeling, but it didn’t help in the slightest.Rage, the likes of which he had never felt, even toward Stefano coursed through his veins as he spoke with barely controlled emotions. Shaking his head and with both fists clinched as tightly as possible, he said in harsh ragged tones, “I swear to you, I’m going to find out every single person who was involved in this and then I’m going to kill them!! And that is a fact!”
His eyes were filled with a murderous fury Abe and Bo had never seen, not even where Stefano was concerned and they were terrified for him and for the people who were responsible for his years of suffering and the loss of what could never be recaptured. His life was literally stolen from him and the agencies which employed him could have helped him at any given point in the process, and now they were trying to steal his future as well. John stared at them for a moment longer, the rage and bitter anguish taking over for all rational thought. Then, with intense breaths between words uttered through clenched teeth, John stated emphatically, “I’m leaving now and you better not try to stop me. I’m gonna go find out who is responsible for all this and get my past back. And then I’m gonna make them pay! Somehow, they’re gonna pay for what they let him steal from me, for what they kept from me all these years and for what they have done to me and my family these last several months! Everyone who had a part in it all is gonna suffer like I have, I SWEAR IT!!” His breathing was so rapid, it appeared he might hyperventilate, and his body was shaking from the effort to contain the raging anger and frustration for which there was now at least a general target. Afraid for whomever he came in contact with in the short run, Abe had to make the attempt to keep him with them. Standing in front of his friend with both hands on the man’s chest, Abe said, “John, wait, we want to help you, please let us work on this with you,” said Abe calmly, but quite insistently.
Bo, who had been standing by in silent support, agreed; he too was concerned that John might actually kill someone if he didn’t have them to help temper his burning rage with rational thought. Standing in such a way as to block his *brother’s* path, Bo said, “Yea, man..come on, it’s a lot to take on by yourself, John.”
John stared at them and hesitated briefly, then shook his head slightly and said with a falsely controlled demeanor, “No…it’s my battle to fight, not yours. You’ve done enough for me already, but thanks.” As he stepped around them and started to exit the shelter, Abe grasped his forearm, stopping him again. John looked down at the hand on his arm, but didn’t make a move to pull out of its grip, deciding to stay and listen briefly. It was the least he could do out of respect for their friendship. He had to make a conscious effort to slow his breathing and force some of the emotions back in order to listen.
“John, you are our friend, your battle *is* our battle,” said Abe firmly, while looking directly into his friend’s enraged eyes, imploring him to accept the help they were offering. Staring back at both men and seeing their sincere concern and desire to help, John relented. He shut his eyes briefly and allowed his breathing to slow down to near normal and he felt a fraction of the tension fading and said,
“Okay…. thank you…it means more than I can say.” Abe pulled his friend into a rough hug of comfort and then released him. Bo patted him on the back and then the three men instinctively grasped hands, as if sealing a pact. They would work together to uncover all the secrets of John’s past and then expose those involved in keeping them from him originally. In addition, they would go after everyone connected to the campaign of terror waged against him in recent months to keep him from remembering the full truth of what had been done to him in the first place, almost thirteen years ago now.
Chapter 56
To Sleep is To Dream
John Black, Bo Brady and Abe Carver stood with hands clasped in a gesture of comraderie, friendship and loyalty. John sighed with exhaustion as the powerful adrenaline surge started to run itself out. Feeling the physical and emotional stress on his body, he seemed to be a little shaky, and he wavered as if he were about to fall over. Abe and Bo saw it and moved to steady him, “You okay, buddy?” asked Abe worriedly.
He had to take inventory and then he smiled strangely and said, “Yea..I…think so. I guess it’s all catching up with me, you know..” he said wearily. His eyes went shut, almost involuntarily and again he seemed ready to collapse and Bo held him upright.
“John…I think you really need to get some rest…and maybe you should have something to eat. When was the last time you ate something?” asked Bo, somewhat worriedly.
John frowned and said, “I…can’t remember, maybe…this morning..or.. last night. I’m…not sure.” John sat down wearily on the picnic table bench, saying, “Bo..I think…I’ll just…lean back for a minute and…” John was just about out and Bo eased him down on the bench and the man was almost instantly asleep. Suddenly, he seemed to come around again saying, “Tell…Doc… gotta tell Doc..I’m gonna…be…,” he said while trying to sit back up and dial his cell phone, he couldn’t quite manage it and dropped off to slumber in mid-sentence. His friends shook their heads and smiled while looking down at his sleeping form; he had been driving himself extremely hard and this was the end result. After learning a crucial part of his past it was as if his body was saying, ‘okay that’s enough, it’s time for a break.’ Abe went to the car to retrieve a blanket and pillow. When he returned, Abe and Bo carried him toward one of the walls where hewouldn’t immediately be seen if someone were to enter the shelter house, laying him down gently. Then they covered him up and sat with him while he slept.
Abe decided they needed to call Marlena as John had attempted, to let her know what was happening. She had to be worried out of her mind about him by this time. “Marlena, hi it’s Abe…we found John and we’re with him right now. He’s fine, but he fell asleep, he’s completely exhausted, Marlena. You should have seen him, he was trying to stay awake and call you and he fell asleep in the middle of a sentence.” She had to smile at that thought, “Oh, Abe…thank you for letting me know, I’ve been so worried about him. He’s been pushing himself to remember things and he dreams so much that he doesn’t sleep well most of the time. He hasn’t eaten much lately either. Do you think you could get him something for when he wakes up, I’m afraid he’s going to get sick if he doesn’t take better care of himself.”
“We were already planning on that, Marlena. Don’t worry. Listen, he had a big breakthrough and it was a good thing that he finally find out, but he’s also very upset about it and I think you should know. He remembered what Stefano wanted in that one memory he thought was so crucial. John was apparently working on a joint project for both the CIA and ISA to take down Dimera when Stefano took John captive. Stefano wanted the names of all the other operatives and almost killed John to get them. He didn’t give the names and we think it was at that time when Stefano decided to use John in his other plan and brainwashed him to believe he was Roman.”
“So, that’s it, then. We know for sure that he was working for those organizations and it’s them that have been terrorizing him all these months. But why, Abe? What do you think it’s all about?”
“Marlena, you better sit down for this.” Abe waited a suffient period and then continued, “Bo and I talked about it for awhile when John passed out from the headache. We think they knew all along that Stefano was holding John and what he was doing to him…the torture and brainwashing …all of it. We think they knew who John was all those years he believed he was Roman. That is why they have put so much pressure on him…..because they’re afraid he’ll remember everything he did for them and that he’ll figure out that they knew all about what was done to him and expose the truth.”
She was incredulous, it was sickening to consider how heartlessly they had treated one of their own people. “Oh my God, Abe! How could they do that to him…all these years they’ve known his identity? He risked his life and this is the way they rewarded him….all this time…they left him to wonder and suffer without his past….that’s despicable, Abe!” She sighed heavily and then asked about her love, “How did John take it?”
“Not good, Marlena….horrible in fact. He’s killing mad, worse than I’ve ever seen him, even more enraged than he was ever was where Stefano was concerned. We’re worried about what he might do when he finds some of the people that are responsible for everything he’s been through. We convinced him to let us help him, though, that’s a start.”
That was a relief to her. “Thank God for that! Thank you, Abe. What about Roman? Do you have any leads on him or ideas about how you’re going to keep John from being arrested for the abduction?”
“No, there’s no word on Roman yet, but we’ll find him. About John, I’m still working on it, but don’t worry, I’m going to keep him out of jail. I promise you, Marlena, he will not stand trial for a crime he didn’t commit, not again.”
“Thank you, Abe. I’m worried about him, I don’t think he can handle too much more pressure and that could be enough to throw him over the edge.” “I know, but he’s very strong, Marlena. In fact I think that because he has a target to go after, he’s not going to be so down any more. I think his fighting spirit is back and the people that hurt him better watch their backs now. John Black is a force to be reckoned with when he’s angry and he will make sure they face justice, at the very least.”
Marlena felt the fear beginning to creep back into her heart and it made her ask, “Abe, I don’t want him to be depressed, but I don’t like to see him out of control with anger either. Tell me the truth..do you think he’s really angry enough to….kill ?”
He hesistated, remembering the murderous rage in John’s eyes, the tension in his muscles when he learned the truth. Finally, he replied honestly, “Yes…I think maybe he could. He has been robbed of so much inhis life, Marlena. If he came face to face on his own with the key people who did this…yes, I believe he could kill. But, Bo and I will be there, we’re not going to let him go off alone, Marlena. I promise you on my life,” he said convincingly.
She sighed with fear and relief at the same time, “Thank you so much, Abe, you two have been such good friends through this whole nightmare. I can’t tell you enough how much your support has meant to me and to John.”
John slept for a couple of hours before he started to dream. He was transported back in time again, his mind wanting to sort out more of his past since he had obtained the key memory from his time as Stefano’s prisoner. John was a young man, just getting started in life and he met an older wiser man, who took a liking to the somewhat brash and cocky, but smart, brave and fiercely loyal twenty-something version of John Black. At the time, John had little productive focus in his life, but always seemed to be in the right place at the right time to help someone who needed him. The older man found himself in need at one point and John was there for him because he was observant and saw an interaction going sour. John was sitting in a sidewalk cafe in Paris drinking a cup of coffee, when he saw that same older man with whom he had shared countless long talks about cars, women, life and the state of the universe. John looked up to Joe Williams and respected him tremendously. He knew only that the man worked in intelligence in some capacity, as he had talked all around the edges about his profession. John thought it was done to try and entice him into that line of work. Joe seemed to think John had a natural aptitudefor it, but John was resistant. At 20, he was still trying to decide how he wanted to make his living and leave a mark in the world and it did sound intriguing to him, but he wasn’t sure yet. His life hadn’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination, he was virtually all alone in the world and had been for several years. John had run away from a difficult home life with his mother’s relatives as a young teen and managed to make his own way in the world since he was about 15 years old with any number of odd jobs. He was always on guard with people, constantly looking over his shoulder. Joe was the first person who had really taken a genuine liking to him and he basked in the consistent warm attention the older man offered That plus the basic kindness and affection Joe gave him were what John had so desperately needed for his entire life and their friendship seemed to deepen quickly into a rich, loving father-son type of relation-ship.
John stared over at the man, who was obviously waiting for someone and wondered what the meet was all about. It was taking place in broad daylight in a fairly accessible alley way, therefore it seemed to be little cause for concern and John went ahead and scanned the paper for interesting information. Suddenly, he heard a muffled cry..he was sure it was Joe and he instinctively ran to the man’s aide, finding him being manhandled by three strong armed thugs. John went in with both fists flying and was able to knock two of the burly men out quickly, but the third one had his left arm wrapped around Joe’s neck with an elbow facing out, the right hand bearing a handgun which was pointed at Joe’s abdomen. “Stop right there little boy, or he dies!”
John raised his hands in a gesture of surrender and said, “Okay..just take it easy, I’ll do whatever you want. Please don’t hurt him, he’s my..father!” John said pleadingly. It was a lie, but the man didn’t have to know that. Joe’s eyes had told John to run, to get as far away as he could as fast as he could, but John was never one to give up the fight while there was even the slightest chance of winning. The young man played it up, “Oh, please, I love him, he’s the only family I have left, please don’t hurt him!” he cried out in not so false anguish. John’s fearful pleading voice was clearly irritating to the man, so John kept it going and edged ever closer…until he was within leaping distance. Taking advantage of a slight distraction made by a rat or some other small creature, John made a flying leap and took both men to the ground and began wrestling with the assailant for the gun. Within seconds, John and Joe had subdued the man and the other two as well. Joe handled calling the authorities while John waited around at the older man’s request.
When the incident was over, Joe sat down with John and said, “Young man, you handled yourself like a pro. You just saved my life and I am eternally grateful. I have something I want to ask you about. John, how would you like to join the ISA, you’re a natural for it and we could really use your talents. I could probably even be the one to train you in the field…what do you say, John, will you serve the US and the world at my side?”
Though he was streetwise, John was still naive in some ways and not very sophisticated. And some of his ideas of what it would be like to be an international agent came from movies and spy novels and were completely different than his perceptions of Joe and what he did. John stammered to express his thoughts, “I…uh..well, I’m not sure. It all sounds exciting and I appreciate what you’re saying. But, I was…thinking about…oh, never mind, you’ll probably think it’s funny if I tell you.”
“No, I won’t, John. You should know me better than that by now. I care about you very much, son. Now, what were you going to say?”
“Well, I was…thinking about entering the….priesthood. I grew up around some Jesuits and I…admired and respected them very much, and every once in awhile I get this….feeling like that’s where I belong, you know. I’ve been trying to figure it out for a year or two and I haven’t been able to make the decision.
“John, I wouldn’t laugh about something like that. I think it’s impressive that you would consider living that lifestyle, John, and I’m even more interested in working with you. Think it over and we’ll talk again.” As he tried to recall what happened after that, the older man began to fade from view. “John….John…hey buddy…” he heard someone calling his name and he was being shaken, but it wasn’t in the dream. John tried to ignore those sounds in favor of the dream, but the real experience filtered in and he lost the elusive fragments of long buried memory and his wise friend’s face continued to slowly fade away. “No…Joe, don’t go! What did I decide then? Did I go ahead and enter the seminary? Wait, Joe, wait!” John cried out, some of it loud enough that his friends heard him calling out for someone.
Within seconds, he found himself looking into two sets of concernedeyes and he said, “So, I was dreaming again, huh?” he asked with a slight look of confusion on his face as he sat up scratching his head.
“Yes you were,” answered Bo. You kept calling out for someone, you were saying something like, don’t go, Joe! Wait, Joe, wait” John, who was Joe?” Thinking back, John said, “He was…someone I looked up to when I was a young pup. I don’t remember too much about him or exactly how I was involved with him, but I have this idea that he kept me in line. Kind of like I always did for you, Bo,” John added with a chuckle that even Bo had to smile about.
“Yea..well, I guess you did pull my rear end out of a scrape or two along the way, big brother,” Bo admitted reluctantly. “I guess it’s time I repaid the favor for you, John, only this time the problem is more serious and it isn’t your fault.” Remembering what he had learned earlier that night, John sighed and said, “Yea..right.” He decided in favor of his most recent recollection.He shut his eyes and went back after the dream, spending a few minutestrying to recapture the images and experiences. John shared what he remembered with a touch of loss mixed with gratitude in his voice, “Actually, Joe became more like a father figure for me, he taught me a lot about life, he helped me so much when I was..all alone in the world. I think we got real close. He…loved me and he was there for me when I had nothing and nobody else in my life. In that dream, I had just saved his life from some thugs and he was asking me to join the ISA. I started to wake up when I was sharing my thoughts about what I wanted to do with my life.” John stood up and began to pace slightly, that always seemed to help him think. “I told him that I was…thinking about entering the priesthood and he said he respected me for it and was even more interested in working with me. I don’t know whether or not I actually went to Seminary at that time and got ordained or if it was all a role I played while I was working for the ISA and Stefano just thought I was…” He stopped short and asked, “But then…if I didn’t…how did I help Rachel and Marlena?” John ran his fingers through his hair for something to do, saying, “Oh, man… this is so..confusing. I want that memory too! I’m gonna ask Laura to help me on this one.”
Bo and Abe stared at him, then at each other and Bo asked, “Why Laura…why don’t you ask Marlena?” John scrambled for an acceptable answer and stammered slightly, “Because.. uh..no reason really, I don’t want to cause her any more stress,that’s all.” John hesitated to say more, thinking they might interfere if he told them the truth.
“John, that’s not the reason. Why don’t you want to ask Marlena? Come on, tell us the real reason, buddy,” confronted Abe.
They were staring at him, obviously sensing there was something more to it than he was letting on, and it was clear they weren’t going to take some lame excuse for an answer. He hesitated one more moment and then responded truthfully, “Because…she won’t help me, she doesn’t…think I can handle more hypnosis. She.. she says that if I recover any more traumatic memories it might…cause a real..I don’t know… breakdown or something.” His voice trailed off as he said the last part while turning away from the scrutinizing gazes of his two closest friends.
Abe touched his friend on the arm, coaxing him to look up. “John,are you saying that you’re going to go against her professional judgement?You’re going to go behind her back and ask someone else?” asked Abe in disbelief combined with genuine concern.
John suddenly felt the intense burning anger and frustration flare,Yes, I am, as a matter of fact! I NEED those memories, Abe! It’s been twelve years of my life since it all started, twelve years that were stolen from me!” John waved his arm through the air as he acknowledged his reality, “Hell, the truth of it is, I don’t even remember half of my life, for God’s sake!” As the sense of being robbed fueled the rage, John clenched his right fist in front of his body and shouted, “I WANT IT BACK, DAMMIT!! I want my past back and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make sure I get it and if that includes rejecting Marlena’s advice, then so be it!” Both Bo and Abe realized that the pressure was immense and their friend’s level of frustration was unimaginable, so they tried to help him calm down and stay rational . Bo checked visually with Abe and then took a shot at reasoning with him. “John, hey, we know this has all been pretty rough on you and that you really want to regain your memories, but you need to think about this, John.” Abe agreed, “Bo’s right, John. You know that Marlena wouldn’t say no to using hypnosis with you unless she had good reason to do so. She is a very skilled psychiatrist and if she says it’s dangerous for you, John, then …maybe you should follow her recommendation.”
John stared directly at his friends and responded powerfully to Abe’s cautionary words and tone, “NO! I’ve waited long enough and I’m tired of hoping the memories will all come together on their own. I’m going to ask Laura for help whether any of you like it or not, and if she turns me down, then, I’ll find someone else. I’m not gonna just sit around feeling sorry for myself any more, watching while my life is completely blown apart by those bastards. From here on out, I’m gonna act instead of react. They’re going down, guys! And that is a fact!” he said with vigor. There was nothing more to be said. John had made up his mind and when he had that fiercely determined look in his eye, there was no stopping him, no turning back. His course was set and if they wanted to help him, they would have to go along for the ride.
Chapter 57
Someone to Watch Over Me
It was midnight and the Deveraux household was quiet, everyone was fast asleep until the shrill sound of the telephone awakened Laura Horton, who was living with her daughter and son-in-law Jack Deveraux. It was her cell phone, and she had to get out of the bed to answer, thinking ‘this better be good, whoever you are.’
“Hello,” she said groggily, as she plopped back down on the bed after retreiving the phone from the dresser.
“Laura, it’s me…I’m sorry to call so late, but I..need your help.”
It took a second or two for it to register who was calling. “John? Where are you? Marlena is worried sick about you, are you allright?” He sighed, “Yes, I’m fine, thanks for asking and I know Marlena is worried, but there just wasn’t any other way. I didn’t kidnap Roman and I know that the only chance I have to prove it is to stay a free man. Can you try to make her understand and Abe and Bo, too, I kinda….ditched em tonight, they’re probably pretty peeved with me.”
“Yes…I’ll try, John. You know, they’re all very concerned about you and so am I, John. Now, you said you needed my help..why?”
“Thanks for your concern. About what I need, I…want you to…hypnotize me Laura. I….need to get some more of my memories back, I think it’s the only way I can really fight these people. They’re desperate to keep me from remembering my past and I think if I can recall some key memories, I’ll have some ammunition to fight back. Can you please help me?” he pleaded, knowing Marlena had probably shared her concerns about further hypnosis when he pushed her on it earlier.
Laura was hesitant, “Oh, John..I don’t know…You know how Marlena feels about this, she thinks you’ll recover some more traumatic memories and it will throw you into a serious crisis. It could cost you your sanityand me her friendship if she found out about what we’re doing. And she will be so angry with you for going behind her back.”
John was tentative with his answer, hoping not to alienate her,”Look.. I know what I’m risking, but I have no choice at this point. Laura..I’m…begging you. I..need these memories to survive this thing; you know it’s only going to get worse. They’ve already stepped up the pressure on me with this Roman…problem. Please say yes, Laura!”
She hesistated one more moment before reluctantly agreeing to hisrequest. “Allright, John…tell me where you are.”
“No, I can’t do that, I don’t want to put anyone in the position of covering for me. Meet me tomorrow at the far side of the park, there’s a shelter house they don’t use much, we can probably do it there. Come at..dawn, if you can.”
“Dawn it is, then. John…be careful, would you?” she said with genuine concern in her voice.
Having been reminded of his situation, he looked around the area in which he was standing before answering her. “I will, thanks for caring,and thanks for agreeing to do this for me, I really appreciate it,” he said sincerely. “Please tell Marlena how much I love her and how sorry I am for having to be apart, for..the scandal. I was trying so hard to avoid this kind of thing, that’s why I tried to leave her.”
“She knows, John and she appreciated your motivation, but she’s in it for the long haul. She loves you very much,” finished Laura. He sighed with immense weariness and said, “I love her more than I can begin to express with words, Laura…make sure she knows it.”
“I know you do, John and so does she, she’s just so afraid for your safety and how you’re holding up…emotionally.” John tried to hide it from her, but he didn’t have the strength and his voice gave him away, trembling as he spoke, “Yea…I’ll admit it, this thing has really gotten to me, you know…there’s no…let up. I can’t seem to…catch my breath before they throw something else at me.”
Hearing the deep pain and an immense weariness in his voice, she encouraged him, “Oh, I know this is so tough on you, John. Please.. just hang on a little while longer, I’m going to help you with this, okay? And Abe and Bo are still working on it too. We’ll help you regain your memories, they’ll find Roman and then we’ll figure out exactly who is responsible for all your suffering, you have to believe that, John.”
“I’m trying to, Laura. Right now, I’m just fighting for my survival.Listen, I’ve been out in public too long. My cell phone battery ran down and I’m at a pay phone, I’ve got to get out of sight. Thanks again, for everything. See you in the morning.”
“You’re welcome, and please, try to get some sleep would you?” she said with concern.
“Yea, I will…goodnight…friend.” “Sweet dreams…friend.” The phone went dead and she prayed for his safety and sanity as she drifted slowly off to dreamland herself. The last thoughts on her mind were of John and Marlena and how much pain they had suffered during their lives. She prayed out loud, “Dear Lord, please watch over John right now, he’s in serious trouble and none of it is of his own doing. Keep him safe from harm, give him strength and hope, and help him to uncover the secrets of his past and then make the people who have tormented him face justice for the crimes they have committed against him. Thank you for listening God.”John settled down for some sleep behind a dense section of bushes with the blanket and pillow Abe and Bo brought for him to the shelter house, thanking his Lord that it was still summertime. He peered into the heavens, gazing at a million twinkling lights and soon found Isabella’s special star. “Hey…Izzy B, are you still up there watching over me, lady? I sure could use some… words of encouragement about now, the way you always did when I was hurting. You see, I’m really in kind of a jam right now, any help you can throw my way…I’ll take it.” A lone tear slid down his cheek, as he felt a sense of longing for companionship, for some loving arms around him. His thoughts turned to the woman he loved now, the one who shared everything with him and he wished with all his might that he could be with her in their bed. Hugging the pillow tightly to his body, he cried out to her, “Oh, Doc…I need you so much! I wish I could be with you.. and hold you. I could really use one of your pep talks about how everything is going to be okay for us one of these days.” Realizing that dwelling on it wasn’t going to make his situation any better, John decided he would try to put the separation out of his mind and fall sleep.As far as Abe and Bo were concerned, John had managed to outwit them both and slipped away when they dozed off, deciding after further consideration that it wasn’t fair to put them through so much stress or risk their careers as policemen. Besides, without their need to follow police procedures holding him back, John would be free to take matters into his own hands. He vowed to do just what Laura said, he was going to make the bastards who caused him so much pain suffer too. Their actions wouldn’t go unpunished with just some slap of the wrist from the govern-ment to appease the public. John would see to that. He hadn’t come up with a plan yet, but he was working on it. Within half an hour after he dozed off, John was dreaming of the past again. The memory he had of his experiences as Stefano’s prisoner seemed to unlock many other secrets and the dreams were coming faster and more complete than they were before. He was with that older man again, training hard for something and there was another man there, a younger one, much closer to John’s own age. They were both pushing John to work harder, run faster, to push himself well beyond his limits. He was running fast around the track, after a full weight training circuit, an hour or so on the bike, and a two mile swim. John was exhausted and the heat was wearing on him; he collapsed on the track during the middle of his third mile. “Get up!” shouted the younger of the two *trainers.* GET UP YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH!! You’re not finished with your run yet, now get on your feet!!” He walked over and pushed his foot lightly into the prone man’s ribs, prodding him to move. John groaned in discomfort, hardly aware of what had just happened.
The older man faced off with the one who was yelling, “Stop it right now, you leave him alone! Can’t you see you’ve pushed him to exhaustion, Dan? He’s a strong young man, but he has his limits! Get him some water for God’s sake!” Dan thought for a minute to square off with the senior agent, but decided he wasn’t ready to force the issue…yet. The old man would probably retire soon anyway and John would be under Dan’s charge. Dan walked over to the cooler to get John a sports drink to replace the lost electrolytes, while the older man Joe Williams knelt down next to John and gently rolled him onto his back. “John….hey…are you allright, son?” he asked kindly.
John groaned and his eyelids fluttered a few times and then opened, “Oh…man…I guess I’m kinda wiped out, huh?” he asked, slightly disoriented. Joe helped him sit up and watched him carefully, he seemed to be suffering from heat exhaustion. Joe started asking mental status questions, “John, can you tell me what day it is?”
He hesitated , his thoughts were a little cloudy and his eyes blinked rapidly as he tried to find the answer, “Uh….I’m…not sure..Wednesday, yea….it’s Wednesday, I think.”
“Good, do you know where we are, John and why we’re here?”
“John squinted and looked around, his vision was blurry and he had a massive throbbing headache, but he could tell it was some kind of a stadium. “Uh….we’re..at the school, right? I’m….supposed to be…uh..I don’t know…can’t remember… Joe. I can’t remember why.” John held his throbbing head in his hands willing himself to remember and it was then that Dan came over with the sports drink.
Tossing the plastic container, Dan said, “Here, kid…drink this and you’ll be good as new, and then we can get back to your training session, right Joe?” Joe glared at the man and said, “No, Dan. Listen, I think John has had enough for one day, let’s take him home so he can get a little sleep. He’s a little confused, I think the heat’s getting to him.”
Dan’s reaction was strong, “No, Joe! Do you think that the Soviets or the Chinese are going to say, “Oh, poor Johnny’s tired and a little woozy, let’s get him home to bed so he can rest? I don’t think so! He has to be tough as nails Joe, like I am, like you were..once. Have you gone soft on us, Joe? I think you’re too close to him, you’ve lost your objectivity and you’re babying him.”
John was sitting up slugging down the cool, refreshing liquid and he listened for a minute, while trying to clear his foggy head and then stood up to face them both. “Hey…if you’re gonna discuss MY training the least you could do is include me in the conversation.” He looked at the older man and showed him with his eyes what it meant that Joe was trying to watch out for him. And then, John stepped to within inches of Dan’s face while pointing a finger toward his chest. “Joe’s right, I’m dog tired, but, I can take anything you can dish out…tough guy, so give it your best shot!”
John was young and brash and full of fire and Dan liked him very much, but he couldn’t let John know that. Dan was not quite a decade older, and he saw so much of himself at the same age in John and wanted to help him avoid a few of the same mistakes that had almost gotten him killed early on, one of which was not being quite strong enough or having enough stamina for some of the grueling misssions he was first sent out on. One of the men who trained him told him, “No matter how strong or how tough you think you are, you can always take it one step farther or do one more set on the weights, run one more mile..you have to be tough as nails in the spy business, Dan.” Dan believed the statement was true and that was why he pushed John so hard. “Allright, then, give me two more miles at a six minute pace and we’ll call it a day…tough guy!”
“Done!” John called out confidantly over his shoulder as he took off at a fast clip.
Dan and Joe glared at each other for several long seconds, then watched the young man running hard, and Joe said, “Well, you sure know how to didn’t even hear himself saying it anymore.
Dan continued to watch them, thinking how much he did like the 21 year old, but reminded himself that John needed to mainly view Dan as the strong task master, at least until the bulk of the intensive training was completed. Then, maybe a friendship could be forged, but only if Joe would allow it. He was very protective of John, as if he really were the young man’s father, steering John toward some agents and away from others, carefully shaping his early experiences in the ISA. Dan had been trying to figure out for months exactly what the older man’s agenda was, but couldn’t put his finger on it yet. Maybe, he really did think of the *boy* as a son and wanted to keep him away from any of the more…renegade types at first, until John had gotten his feet wet a little bit. ‘Makes sense, I guess,’ thought Dan, as he watched the other two walk toward Joe’s car. ‘Maybe the guy does need someone to watch over him for awhile, he’s still just a green kid, after all.’
The next morning as the sun began to slowly rise, John’s eyes began to flutter open. He sat up fairly quickly and was disoriented for a moment or two. Once he recognized the shelter house, he remembered that he snuck back there in the middle of the night, figuring that Bo and Abe probably wouldn’t go back there again during the night. As he started to stand up, he heard voices outside and scrambled for a place to hide. In another minute someone entered the shelter and John had to force himself to remain absolutely still and quiet, thinking it was probably the cops looking for him. He cursed himself for thinking he could get away with staying right in the center of town and not be discovered. ‘Dammit, John what were you thinking?’ he asked himself.
His chastising was interrupted by a familiar voice, “John…we know you’re here, so you might as well come out from wherever you’re hiding and talk to us.” “Yea…you son of a gun, we oughta take you in for running out on us, just to teach you a lesson,” said Bo, only partly teasing.
There was an acid tone to his voice and John winced and gingerly stepped out from behind the trash cans in the corner, “Uh, hi guys…so you’re pretty steamed about that, huh?”
“You could say that, John. You promised us you wouldn’t take off on us, and I’m half tempted to do just what Bo said and haul your rear end to jail so I can keep an eye on you.”
John was not quite certain whether his friend was serious and stammered at him, “Abe…you…wouldn’t…do that, would you? I mean…I’ll probably get convicted..with all the..:
Abe cut him off, “No, John I won’t do that. But, I swear if you try to ditch us again, you’ll be behind bars so fast it will make your head spin.”Okay…okay, I promise and I mean that, I won’t run out on you guys again. I was just trying to…” “We know why you did it, John, but we’ll decide if it’s too much for us to handle, allright?”
“Yea… by the way, how did you guys know I’d be here this morning?” John asked and within seconds, he got his answer from another source.
“Hello gentleman, I’m here to help a man make sense out of some jumbled memory fragments and dreams. Do you know someone like that?” said Laura pleasantly.
“Laura, you called them?” John asked incredulously, feeling a sense of betrayal.
She didn’t hesitate at all, “Yes, I did and I’ll tell you why, John. If you remember something violent that happened, you could act out on it and get hurt or you could injure me and I don’t want either of those things to happen. Besides, we all know you need our help and you better just accept the fact that we love you and we are going to help you with this whole crazy mess. We are all in this with you, John, until the mystery is solved and the people who have caused you so much pain are punished for it. Do you understand now, John?” she asked, not really giving him any other option than to agree.
John looked at Abe and Bo, who were just as…astounded by Laura’s firm language and the forceful tone she took with John. Finally, John looked back over at Laura and said, “Well, I..guess I really don’t have a choice, now do I?” The three of them looked at each other and then at John and answered in unison and said, “No, you don’t, John.” In response, John sighed with an odd sense of peace and contentment that came from the knowledge that no matter what happened, no matter what he learned about his past, these good friends and his wife would always be there to love and support him, to guide him and stand by his side.
All he said to them was, “Thank you very much. Your..support means everthing to me.”
Laura smiled and said while gesturing to a picnic table across the room from where Abe and Bo were standing, “Good, now that we have that settled, why don’t you step into my office, Mr. Black.”
Chapter 58
Some Middle Pieces Come Along
Abe and Bo stood guard by the door of the shelter house while Laura worked with John. “I sure hope this helps him regain more of his memories without it being too…upsetting for him. The last time he was hypnotized…he learned about the abuse,” said Abe sadly, remembering that day he talked with John on the pier. It was months ago now, but John had suffered so much more pain since then, he hated to think of his friend having to handle still more traumatic memories.
“I know, Abe..that’s why Laura called us, and she’s worried about what Marlena is going to say when she finds out about what they’re doing.”
Both men glanced back over at the other two, hoping for the best.John was sitting perfectly still, his eyes closed, a peaceful look on his face. They were just about to get started. He had filled Laura in on a few details of his most recent recollections and the memories he hoped to recover, in order to give her a place to start.
Laura started right in once he was relaxed and ready, “Okay, now John I want you to go back in your mind….think back to the time when you trying to decide what to do with your life….you met a man by the name of Joe Williams…tell me about that, John.”
His face bore a youthful smile and he began to talk about what he experienced at the time. “Joe is nice…he..listens to me…nobody else listened to me or cared for me, except my aunt…but she didn’t help me when I needed it, so I had to go away.” His mind apparently hadn’t reallysettled those issues and needed to visit that time again. He became anxious….. “She should have helped me….why didn’t she help me?” John’sbreathing was rapid and Laura decided to move him forward again, “John…it’s okay…you’re safe now, you’re in Paris…tell me about Paris, John.”
“Paris….that’s where I met Joe… He’s good to me, he treats me like I matter…almost like a good father would treat a son. I never really had a father. Mine…gave me away when I was little.” Tears startedto form and slip sounlessly out of his eyes as he added, “I think it wasbecause I was bad. Then, I tried to be good…for my uncle…but he thought I was bad too and he hurt me…he hurt me so much!”
John obviously needed to work through more of that pain, so Laura went with it. ‘Oh, John…what you’ve been through in your life!’ she thought. What she said to him was, “Okay, John..I can see that you’re upset and you need to talk, tell me some more about it.”
Through tear-filled eyes, John revealed what nobody knew about, what his childhood was really like, “I….worked so hard around the houseand I tried to follow all the rules. I did good in school too. I thought that if I was good then maybe he would… love me… maybe he would stop…beating me and touching me…but he didn’t. I told him I didn’t like it, but he wouldn’t stop. So, I ran away, but then he found me. He beat me….so bad that I…. couldn’t go to school for a week. I was so afraid.. and then I just…let him touch me after that. I couldn’t tell anybody because he said he’d do it again if I told!” John was very distraught, hestarted to curl up in a ball to protect himself and Laura was alarmed, but kept going with it because John somehow needed to move through it topaint the contrast with Joe. It took all her skills as a therapist and professional detachment to let him experience the pain that was hidden for so long, pain from his long forgotten past that had been buried deep within his subconscious mind.
“I’m so sorry, John that must have been horrible for you,” she said softly, encouraging him to tell her more.
Still very upset, but needing to talk about it, he said, “Yea….yea, it was. After awhile, I just learned to accept it. Every night…hecame in my room and he….made me..do things….he made me…” Suddenly, John stopped, as if he realized he were revealing forbidden truths, “No, I can’t tell anybody…he’ll come after me if I tell!” John became extremely anxious, shaking his head, his eyes darting back and forth rapidly, his breathing very shallow and rapid. Decidedly calm in direct contrast to his severe anxiety, Laura said, “John… it’s okay, it’s okay to talk about it, John. Try to calmdown.” His breathing slowed slightly and she encouraged him again, “Youcan tell me. He’s gone now, you’re safe and you can tell me everything so you can let go of the the past, John. Go ahead, I don’t blame you, I want to help you.”
John glanced nervously around the room and asked, “Are you sure he can’t find me?”
She touched him on the arm and in a very soft soothing voice, shereassured him, “Yes, I’m sure… you’re okay, John, trust me.”
After a few long seconds, John said, “He…he…made me… touchhim too. He made me. . Oh, no! I can’t tell it…I’m so ashamed! I can’ttell it!” John was shaking his head and sobbing now; they were the tearsof a young pre-teenaged boy, who still felt like he was at fault becauseof the evil manipulation of a depraved man, a man who should have loved the boy and treated him with kindness. “Can’t tell… can’t tell…” he repeated, speaking in distressed whispers, his body rocking rhythmicallyas a gesture of self comfort, something he had done all those years agoto escape the fear.
Laura had to stop for a minute…it was obvious what the man hadforced on John and it was painful to see the agonizing shame and guilt that act and all the other abuse had caused her friend. “Oh, Abe..Bo.. this makes me sick!” It was a harsh whisper and they nodded in agreement,horrified by what he had revealed of his painful difficult childhood.
Not wanting John to feel rejected by the silence, she turned back to him and said, “John…there’s nothing to be ashamed of; it wasn’t yourfault. He hurt you, he was the bad one, not you. Do you believe me?”
John stopped rocking, nodded his head and then continued tearfully,”That’s what the Priest said too…he told me that God still loved me andhe wouldn’t think that I was dirty like I thought he would. The Priest said that…God would still want me if I…decided to become a Priest too.That made me feel so much better.” Smiling through a young man’s tears he said, “And…then I met Joe…he was good to me; he didn’t hurt me. Hedidn’t try to….touch me that way. He just…loved me. Joe said I was good and smart and that he was proud of me. He was like the Daddy I alwayswanted…when I was a kid. I loved him so much!”
Glad to see him move away from the abuse, she said, “Joe sounds like a good man, John. Tell me some more about Joe.”
John smiled more broadly and went on, remembering with fondness,”He told me stories and he listened to me, he really listened to me and we got to be such good friends. One day…..he got in trouble and I helped him. I saved him from some guys who were trying to abduct him. He was soproud of me that day and he asked me to work with him. I wasn’t surebecause I was thinking about being a Priest.”
“What did you decide to do then, John, can you remember?” she asked, knowing this was a crucial memory for him. “Uh….I…don’t know…can’t remember, why can’t I remember?”John suddenly became anxious again, his breathing was rapid and shallow and he seemed quite confused. Moving him along, Laura reassured him, saying, “It’s okay…John we’ll come back to it. Tell me more about Joe, did you ever work with him?”
“Yes…..I..joined the ISA and he helped train me..he…was mymentor. I worked really hard in training so he would be proud of me. And,he was…he said that I was like the son he never had. He really loved me, just the way I was, and I loved him too….and then….he..left me all alone again.”
Guessing what was coming from previous conversations with John andMarlena , Laura continued anyway, knowing John needed to work through all the pain, “What happened, John? Why did Joe leave you?” she asked todraw him out. The whole memory was right there this time and he responded fromthe ending, “It was all my fault… I….was on my first…big assignmentwith him and it went sour. I was supposed to get away and get help. Itried, but I failed and they were beating him with the butt of a gun. Iwanted to help him, but I…froze for a minute. When I finally made amove, they shot at me and I was grazed in the head.”
Suddenly, he was transported back there, in the moment and he spoke fearfully as he saw himself struggling to rise and go to the fallen figure of the man he loved like a father. “Joe…no, you can’t die on me!I need you…I need you so much! You’re like my father, you know that,don’t you? No, you can’t die! I have so much more to learn…who will teach me? Oh, no….please don’t die, Joe! Don’t leave me alone again,please don’t leave me!”
By this time, John was on the ground rocking like he was holding the man’s bleeding body in his arms. He was near hysterics as he experiencedthe worst loss of his young life. He was devastated to lose the only person whom he perceived had truly loved him without ever rejecting him or demanding something of him. “No, NO, NO!!” he cried in desperation, shaking his head in disbelief as the man died in his arms.
Laura looked at the others and their facial expressions as well asJohn’s emotional state told her he had done more than enough work for one session. “John…it’s okay…that was a long time ago. I’d like you to come back to the present now. I’m going to count you out, John, and you’ll remember everything you’ve seen and heard, everything you felt. On thecount of three you’ll be back in the shelter house with me.” Slowly, she did the count and he sat there quietly blinking several times and then stared blankly out of his tear-filled eyes for a few moments.
“John….talk to me,” she said after waiting a minute or two. She was worried about what he was thinking and feeling and wanted to capturethe true emotions in the moment.
He shook his head and then finally, he spoke as he broke down,”He loved me…. Joe was the only one who ever really loved me and I lost him because I screwed up, I..failed him! Oh, God…..it was my fault! I always fail the people I love…like my parents…Sarah and Isabella and Marlena too. Why Laura? What’s wrong with me?” John was very distressedand crying for the loss and all the other pain in his life.
She understood why he felt that way, but she had to help him seethat it was based on false beliefs, “John…listen to me, it wasn’t yourfault. You were young and inexperienced. It was a tragedy, a terribleloss for you, but it wasn’t your fault. Just like Sarah’s death and Isabella’s weren’t your fault. And, Marlena loves you very much, you didn’t fail her, John.”
He was lost in the pain and couldn’t talk rationally,”Yes I did! I’ve caused her so much pain by loving her! I ruined her family with the affair and then I was with Kristen and I hurt her again. Stefano took herso many times when I should have protected her. And now…all the pressureshe’s under. She cries at night when she thinks I don’t hear her. Don’t you see, all that pain is my fault, Laura!” The emotions were so powerfuland he couldn’t hold them back. Laura didn’t try to convince him further,deciding it was best to just let him express his feelings and so shemoved to hold him and he folded tearfully into her embrace. After a coupleof minutes, he seemed to be coming all the way out of the past and itregistered just how vulnerable he was being and John disengaged himselffrom Laura and stood up quickly, wanting to regain his composure. Hewalked several steps away, wiped his tears with the backs of his hands, and stood silently, looking out one of the windows of the shelterhouse. Laura stood up and Abe and Bo came to stand next to her and held a conversation in whispers. “Do you think he’ll be allright?” asked Abe, whose eyes were fixed worriedly on the still, dejected-looking form ofhis best friend. Shaking his head, Bo shared his take on it, “Yea….he seemspretty…upset. Man….what a sick world this is. His parents put him with family to protect him from Lawrence and then his uncle abuses him.” Abe added the next piece, “Then he loses the one person who reallyloved him, when he was still so young. He has been through so much pain.”
Laura sighed with concern. “I know it…the whole thing makes meangry for him. He is such a good and caring person and he deserved better. It’s so sad. It sure puts his tendency for guilt into a whole newlight though. John has suffered so much in his life…it’s no wonder hehasn’t remembered his past with all the tragedy and pain in those memories. His mind protected him from it all these years.” She went overto where he was standing and asked softly, “John…do you want to talk about…anything else that you remembered?” He shut his eyes…wishing the images of sexual abuse away, tryingto rid himself of the waves of shame and guilt that were washing over him. His voice trembled as he turned her down, “I…don’t think I..can.Laura…it’s all so….sickening. Sometimes I can’t believe..that it really happened to me, it seems so..unreal.” “I understand, John. If you decide you want to talk about it, I’ll be there for you anytime. I think we’ve done enough for one session, don’t you?”
Still staring out the window, he was silent for a minute or so.Then, he finally answered with a slight nod and he said quietly, “Yea…I guess so. Thanks, Laura. I appreciate it, I really do. When can we try again?”
“In a few days…give yourself some time to absorb what you justremembered, okay?” she said with tenderness. He nodded slightly again and said, “Yea….probably should.. thanks again.”
She leaned in to hug him again, but noticed the muscles of his neck stiffen and thought better of it. Instead she squeezed his shoulderand said, “I’ll be in touch through Bo and Abe…and we’ll meet again soon. Take it easy, John.”
He didn’t turn to face her, letting Abe and Bo walk her out of the building. While they were gone, he sat down wearily on the picnic table, buried his head in his hands and wept softly, the pain taking over for a few more minutes. He startled when he heard noises again and movedto wipe away the evidence of emotion as quickly as possible. Then he heard a soft soothing voice, “You don’t have to hide your feelings, John.Just let it go, it’s okay…”
Surprise registered in his face and his still moist eyes as he turned immediately toward that wonderful sound. “Marlena! Oh, Doc, I’m so glad to see you!” he cried. Marlena moved swiftly to his side and heldhim tight. He sighed with a tremendous sense of relief and his slightlytrembling body relaxed into the warmth and comfort of her embrace. There was nothing else on earth that could ever make him feel as good as beingin her arms.
Marlena felt some of the same emotions, as she had wondered whatwas happening, if he were safe, how he was feeling, and so on. She responded tearfully herself, “Oh, John! I missed you so much last night,I was *so* worried about you!” They held each other close in silent solace, thankful to have a few stolen moments together in the midst ofapparent chaos.
Chapter 59A
Love Such As This is Rare
Marlena and John embraced for a long time before speaking further. John was crying softly and Marlena just held him and let him experience thepainful reality of what she knew were long buried emotions that needed to be expressed. Laura had said only that he was very upset by the memories he recovered during the session. After a significant period of time had passed, she said tenderly, “John….honey…can you tell me about what you remembered?”
John sighed with emotional exhaustion, it was so painful to keep opening himself up…to bare his soul. He wanted to run and hide, to keep telling himself the abuse never actually happened to him, that it was just false memories planted by Stefano. But, this was the woman whose love had kept him sane through all the suffering, the woman whose inner strength was astonishing and who loved him beyond his ability to comprehend. Pullingout of the hug slightly, he replied anxiously, “Oh, Doc… it’s so hard! I still…can’t believe that it really happened to me, that my own uncle could… hurt me that way. I keep thinking it’s some nightmare I’m gonna wake up from, or some memory Stefano planted in my mind but it isn’t, is it?” he asked with pleading eyes.
Marlena shook her head in response, wishing she could tell him what he wanted to hear, but didn’t say anything, not wanting to hinder the flow of his expression. John recognized what she was doing, and startedagain, “He…he… made me…” John stopped mid-sentence, shaking his head. “Oh, God I can’t tell you, Doc.. I’m so ashamed of what I did!” he cried in anguished guilt. John turned and walked a few steps away from her,attempting to resume his absent-minded staring out of one of the windows, but the pain was right there on the surface and couldn’t be pushed down. Not this time.
Marlena felt such a strange mixture of emotions, her heart was breaking for the pain her husband was suffering now, for the fear and helplessness he felt as a child and there was the nearly raging anger she felt in acknowledging the fact that he had essentially been abandoned by his parents and then subjected to hideous abuse by someone else who was supposed to love him. Wrapping her slender arms around him from behind, she rested her cheek on his shoulder and spoke very softly, “Honey… he hurt you, there is nothing for you to be ashamed of, no matter what you did. Please, John…you need to talk about it to get past it, you know that… I know you do.” She waited a minute and when he didn’t speak sheadded, even more softly, “I promise I won’t judge you, honey… I’ll just listen and give you my love and support, okay?”
Turning around to face her with tears still falling, John reached up gently to cup her face in his hands and said, “Oh, Doc….I don’t know… what I ever did to deserve you….or your love, but I need you and I’m so glad you’re here. Marlena, I love you so much!” They moved into another warm embrace, John clinging tightly to the woman he loved more than his own life.She imitated his motion, holding his moist cheeks, wiping some tears with her fingertips, and answered his unspoken question, “John, I love you because you are the most wonderful, kind, loving, and compassion-ate man I have ever met. I love you because you are my hero, you have such amazing strength and courage, you don’t hesitate to face pain or danger to protect the people you love. I love you because you are a terrific father to our children, who absolutely adore you, I might add. And….I love you because you’re sweet, romantic and terribly sexy, so handsome that I can’t take my eyes off of you whenever we’re in the same room and I can’t stop myself from looking at your picture when we’re not. I love you because….. well, just because I do.”
He laughed a little at all that she had said to convince him of her love for him and responded with a slight chuckle, “Oh….I see. Well,thank you.” After saying that, he sat down on the picnic table nearby and was quiet again. She waited patiently for him to make himself ready to talk honestly about a very painful subject. Looking into her warm and accepting eyes made anything seem possible somehow, “Allright….I’ll try, Doc…. After he..did what he wanted to me….I would be…crying…buttrying to keep quiet… because he said..if my aunt heard me, he’d.. beat me… so I…learned how to cry without making any noise.” By this point John was sobbing as he spoke and he couldn’t look her in the eye. Tellingthis part was excruciatingly painful and the shame and guilt came rushing back as he spoke in whispers, “And, then he would…show me…how he wantedme to…touch him…Oh, Doc… sometimes… he made me…..Oh God! He made me..give him…..oral sex.” Suddenly, his voice rose in volume and he shared his intense anguish about what had happened to him as a child, Shaking his head in disbelief, he cried out, “Oh God, Doc! I did it because I was afraid! I was so afraid! I should have fought harder, I should have tried to run away again……but I didn’t and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself!” When he was finished, he hung his head, not able to look her in the eye, believing irrationally that she would reject him after learning what he had done.
Marlena was weeping for his pain and she held him and cried withhim for a few minutes and she said, “Oh, sweety….you didn’t do anything wrong. You were afraid because he had hurt you so much and you were just a little boy, honey. You couldn’t have fought hard enough to stop him. It’s not your fault and there is nothing for you to be ashamed of, nothing at all.” Sobbing harder than he was, she spoke with compassion as she cupped his face gently between her hands again, tipping his chin up so he would ook at her, “You only did what you had to do to survive it, John and I am..so..glad that you did….because I get to love you, I get to be your wife and the mother of your children. I love you more than anything in this world, John, and there is nothing in your past remember, best friends, soulmates…we can share everything, John, everything!”
Finally there was a trace of a smile on his handsome features, “Thank you for being so incredibly understanding about all of this. And..I’m very grateful that we can be so open with each other, Doc. Now… let’s go see if Abe and Bo can figure out a way for us to get out of hereso we can spend some time alone together. I need to be with you, I need to feel your arms around me, to have your body next to mine…I love you more than ever, Doc!” She reached up to wipe away the remaining moisture from his redcheeks and replied in kind. “Oh, John… I want to feel you next to metoo…and show you all my love. I want you to know how good and specialyou are, how blessed I feel to have you in my life. I want to do every-thing I can to make all that pain go away for a little while. I love you so…” When she finished, she kissed him again slowly, gently wrapping her tongue around his, causing their mutual desire to rise again.
When they ended the kiss, their eyes glistened with an overwhelmingsense of love and passion and they were compelled to find a way to steal some time together. John caressed her cheeks, ran his fingers through hervelvet tresses, and quietly expressed what was in his heart, “Marlena… the way you love me… sometimes… I can’t believe it’s true, that you could love me so much… You…are my whole world, Doc. I don’t know what I ever did without you.”
Again, she touched his face in the same way and responded similarly, “John…. I feel the same way about you… my love. You are my life and I will always be by your side…. always John..No matter what happens, please don’t ever doubt that again.”
At last, he was totally assured of her love and told her so firmly as he pulled her into another hug, “I won’t Doc… I promise, I won’t.”
With that last sentence, they heard the clearing of throats andthen a familiar voice. “Uh… excuse us for interrupting, but there’s a car waiting for you two…. and it’s primed and ready to take you to a quiet place where you can… continue your.. conversation.” As he finished his comment, there was a knowing smile on his friendly face. The couple turned toward the sound and smiled warmly at their friends, Bo and Abe. Marlena said, “Oh… well, then we better not keep the driver waiting. Shall we, John?” she asked with a sensuous wink as she took his hand.
John grasped her hand lightly and looked thankfully toward Abesaying, “Thanks, partner….for everything, you too Bo. You have both.. been there for me through this whole thing and it means more than I can say.”
Bo patted John on the back and answered teasingly, “Yea.. yea..Just go on and be with your wife, would you? Go on… get out of here before you get us in trouble for aiding a fugitive of justice.”
John nodded, but didn’t say any more as he carefully guided Marlena out the door of the shelter house and toward the unmarked car.The love given to him by his friends and this woman was literally amazingto him and it made the painful emotions evoked by the memories he hadjust recovered begin to fade into the background, where he secretly wished all of it would stay
Chapter 60 (part one)
Finding Our Way By Heart
Hold me close, baby pleaseTell me anything but that you’re going to leaveAs I kiss this fallen tearI promise you I will be hereUntil the stars fall from the skyUntil I find the reason whyAnd darling as the years go byUntil there’s no tears left to cry Until the angels close my eyesAnd even if we’re worlds apartI’ll find my way back to you by heart…….Marlena and John Black walked hand in hand toward the unmarked car under the protective watch of Abe Carver and Bo Brady. John and Marlena desperately needed some time alone, time to reaffirm their love. John needed to feel loved and most of all he needed to be touched by someone who would never hurt him. The memories of abuse kept resurfacing and each time they did, he felt ashamed of himself and guilty and he shied away from sexual expression as a natural response. But, at the same time, he needed to know that Marlena’s love and desire to be with him weren’t changed by what he remembered. Their friends somehow sensed all that andarranged a way for them to have some time alone without fear of being detected, without fear that John would be arrested for yet another crimehe didn’t commit.
As they reached the car, driven by a trusted officer, Marlena turned to Bo and Abe and said sincerely, “Thank you both so much, your friendship and support has been so wonderful, we can’t thank you enough.”
John agreed wholeheartedly, “Yea… she’s right, I couldn’t have made it this far without you guys, thank you so much. Abe.. I know that you’re risking alot by not.. taking me in. I don’t even know what to sayor do to thank you for that.”
Abe answered immediately with what he wanted in return, “Just don’t get caught. Lay low where we’re sending you and trust us to find Roman and get back with you. Don’t try to be the hero, don’t go off andtry to learn about your past right now. Wait, John, that’s what you can do to thank us both.”
Marlena smiled and John sighed, resigned to his fate. “Okay, Iwill. It’ll make me crazy, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I promise I won’t go off on my own, I’ll….wait and…let you help me.”
Bo and Abe chuckled to hear the reluctance in the man’s voice and Bo said, “Forgive me, John, but I’ll have to see that to believe it.”
“Well, something tells me that if Marlena is there with him, he might find a reason or two to stay put for awhile,” teased Abe, giving hisbuddy a playful shove. Marlena blushed slightly and said, “Okay, that’s enough now. Let’s go, shall we John?” she asked while tugging on his sleeve.
He smiled and squeezed her hand lovingly, thinking how sweet she always looked when she blushed. “Yea.. let’s blow this joint, see you guyssoon. Keep us posted, okay?”
“Of course we will, John. We’ll talk to you soon. You just concen-trate on spending some time with your wife. Laura will be staying at the Penthouse to help with the kids, so don’t worry about them. You both deserve a little break from all this pressure, enjoy it.”
John nodded and blew out a long breath, briefly reviewing all thathad happened in his first six months of their marriage. “Yes we do, partner, yes we do. Let’s go, Doc,” he said, while ushering her into the awaiting vehicle.
Marlena glanced back one last time and said, “Please be sure to thank Laura for us, won’t you?” she asked pleasantly. Abe and Bo both nodded their affirmation of that request. She mouthed the words, thank you from inside the car and then they were off for a little rest and relaxation, or so they thought.
They arrived at the modest cabin in the mountains without incident. It was set on a hillside, overlooking a wide valley, and there was a lake in the distance; it was the perfect late summer getaway for them. Once inside, they collapsed into each other’s arms, sprawling on the bed, quietly enjoying being together without the fear of some reporter or police officer ruining their moment. “Oh, Doc… I am so glad to be alone with you!” John said with great intensity, while beginning to feel the need to share his passion for his wife.
“Oh, boy… me too, John. I have missed us so much! I just want tostay in your arms forever… and ever.”
“Forever!” John pulled her close and kissed her fiercely. Within seconds, she felt desire rising. “I love you… so much, Marlena. I am sosorry for all the pain you’ve been through because of me. I would doanything to put it all on myself, I’ve hated hearing you cry for me,” John said while alternately caressing her cheeks and running his fingers through her golden hair. “John…stop that!” she admonished him. “The stress I am under is not your fault. Whoever has done all this to you is to blame for my pain, not you. So, I want you to stop saying things like that, allright?”
“Okay, Doc, but I really do hate what you’ve been through. I wanted to make our first year of marriage wonderful and instead all I’vebrought you is heartache.”
She did it again, made him look right in her eyes, by holding his cheeks between her hands. “No, John you’re wrong, you have brought me joy.Our love and this marriage is the most important and wonderful thing inthe world to me, and I count all the pain as worth it to share every dayof my life with you. Besides, you are the one who has suffered so much, not me.”
He sighed with that familiar sense of emotional exhaustion andnodded in agreement. “Doc… you know.. I really wanted to get my pastback. I thought that if I did it would.. I don’t know.. make me feel complete somehow… like I’m a whole person with a past and a present anda future, just like everybody else. If I had only known… what it woulddo to you, to our kids.. to our friends and family for me to go afterit… I wouldn’t….”
She interrupted, “You mean to you.”
Taking him tenderly in her arms, and looking directly at him, she said firmly, “John, listen to me, whatever we have all suffered pales in comparison to the agony you have experienced. All those painful memories, everyone thinking you were mentally ill, the drugging, the press problems, the fight with Roman… what you learned about the ISA…all of it has hurt you so much and thatmakes me angry for you. I hurt for you, John. Please don’t feel bad for the people who love you; we want to be there for you through this whole horrible ordeal because we love you very much, just the same way as you have been there for all of us, allright?”
He nodded with acceptance, “Allright, I’ll try, Doc. I just hate seeing you upset, I would do almost anything to keep you from being hurt by what’s happening to me. Marlena, I love you more than any words can ever express.” John proceeded to kiss her sweetly, his lips hovering over hers for a moment, building the anticipation for both of them. “I know…and I love you that way too, John.” She kissed him in return, her tongue swirling around his enticingly. Then she slowly began to take off his jacket and subsequently his shirt, kissing him all the while. As she slowly moved to unzip his pants for him, he suddenly tensed and pulled away from her, striking a defensive pose.
“John… honey.. are you okay?” she asked, worried about the rapidly increasing fear she was seeing in his eyes and face, his entire body actually.
With that one simple motion he was transported back in time again. John was ten years old and his uncle was taking the same action, undressinghim for better access. “No… don’t do it anymore.. I don’t like it, please…leave me alone!” he cried fearfully, while curling himself up in a ball on the bed, his body shaking.
‘Oh, honey… God, I hate that man for what he did to you!’ she screamed in her mind. Marlena moved very slowly closer and spoke softly, “John… honey…it’s okay, it’s me, Marlena…I won’t hurt you, I love you. You’re safe with me and he can never hurt you again.” John stopped trembling and his eyelids flickered several times, as his mind sorted the information, trying to determine what was the real experience. Marlena waited patiently for him to come to full awareness and return to the present. When he did, it registered what had happened and he nearly started to cry out of frustration and the fear that he’d hurtMarlena and that she would reject him, “Oh Doc… I’m sorry I pulled away from you.. I just.. remembered again. I didn’t mean to reject you, can youplease forgive me?” Marlena’s heart was breaking for him, for the confusing messageshe received about love and sex because of what he’d suffered. “Oh, sweety, here’s nothing to forgive. Honey… you remembered that because you justhad a hypnosis session, it’s to be expected. I don’t blame you or feel rejected at all. I just want to make you feel better, John.”
As tears formed in his often sad blue eyes, he nodded and saidsoftly, “Well, then… could you please just hold me, Doc?” She complied instantly, wrapping her arms tightly around his body, willing him to feesafe and secure and mostly to feel deeply loved. After allowing himselfto enjoy the warmth and comfort of being held, he spoke an anguished request that he wished with all his might she could grant, “Oh, Marlena…I just want the memories of what he did to me to go away! When will they go away, Doc?” he pleaded desperately.
Shaking her head, feeling his pain in her own heart, she said, “I don’t know, John.. but we don’t have to let them ruin things for us, do we? I love you and I want to make love to you. Maybe we can try again a little later after you’ve calmed down, okay?” Sniffing and wishing that was now, John wiped a wayward tear from the corner of his eye with a knuckle. Next, he nodded and said, “Yea…okay… thank you for loving me, Doc.. I’m so …mixed up about all ofthis… and if I didn’t have you, I don’t what I’d do. I just love yoand I need you so much!” he cried, tears threatening to fall again.
Pulling him closer again, Marlena said, “Oh, honey… I’m so sorryfor what he did to you, for how confused it makes you feel about yourselfto remember it. You deserved so much better, John. Please don’t ever think that I will reject you because of what he did to you or made youdo. I love you, I LOVE YOU!” she whispered through her own tears, withgreat intensity. “And NOTHING will ever change that, nothing, John!”
He nodded tearfully again and said, “I believe you.. I really believe you..” John finally relaxed in her arms and they held each other close until they both fell asleep for an hour or so. It was so draining for them to work through the memories of abuse and their significant emotional impact on John and consequently on the sexual relationship.
An hour and a half later, they were awake and beginning to makethemselves at home. John went out to chop some wood, mostly for somethingto do and Marlena watched him…he was so quiet and withdrawn and had been for weeks. “No, Marlena, it’s more like months,” she corrected herself. John didn’t know what to do with himself, he couldn’t run his businesses and had given up even the charity organizations to Victor’s people for the time being. For months her husband had been lost in a seaof confusion resulting from the fragmented and intrusive memories of his past; therefore, he felt basically useless.
He finished with the wood and then sat down wearily on the porch, staring blankly out over the hillsides and the peaceful valley that lay below the rustic cabin in which they were to stay out of harm’s way. It was a cabin owned by a friend of a friend of Abe Carver’s wife Lexie. Oh, John I wish there was something I could really do to make you feel better about all of this,” she said out loud. Then it came to her, she would do what he had always done for her, plan a nice evening for the wo of them, one sure to take his mind off his troubles. Noticing the cabinwas fully equipped with food and entertainment possibilities, she went about making some plans while he seemed to be occupied with his thoughts.When she was finished, she went back outside to talk with him. “Hey you…what are you doing?” she asked pleasantly, as she slipped her armsaround him from behind and rested her head on his shoulder.
“Oh…just..thinking, I guess,” he said, a common response of late.
“What about…you’ve been so quiet lately, and after what happened earlier, I’m worried about you, honey. Can you share it with me?”
John sighed wearily and turned to face her, “You’re so good to me..it’s really nothing we haven’t talked about before, Doc. I’m just..thinking about the thing with the ISA… I’m having a tough time under-standing how they could have done it all to me. I endured everything hedid to me…all that torture..and brainwashing… I took it all to protectthe other agents, to protect the agency’s security and they just left me there with him and then sat back and watched me live another man’s life.Then, even when it was all over and Roman came back, they didn’t evertell me about my real identity or even have the decency to help me enoughso I could find out on my own. It hurts to think that the answers I wassearching so hard for were right there all along and I’m having a toughtime fighting off the rage about what was stolen from me.” That anger flared again so quickly every time his mind revisited what he suffered. “I…HATE them for what they did and they’re gonna pay…somebody has topay for all that PAIN!!” John clenched his fists to contain it, and he was shaking from the powerful sense of betrayal and violation he felt inside whenever he thought much about what his own people had forced upon him. That in addition to the sexual abuse, for which there could be no retribution, made him burn with helpless rage.
“Oh, John… I know it hurts you terribly and that you are veryangry about what they took from you, about all you suffered because ofthem and your uncle. I understand it, I really do, but..getting revenge won’t take away all that pain and suffering. If you go after them and Godforbid if you…kill someone, you are the one who will suffer becauseyou’ll go to prison. Then, where will that leave you, and me and ourchildren, John? Will the momentary satisfaction the revenge brings be worth it if you lose everything that means something to you in the process?” He sighed with immense weariness and said, “No, Doc… I know you’re right, but dammit! It’s just not fair! All these years I’ve gone through life, feeling like half a person…. without my memories, never really knowing who I was or where I came from… It was all for NOTHING! I am so ANGRY!!” John stood there, desperately searching for a way to vent his extreme frustration, and all he had was the axe with which he had chopped the wood. He picked it up and threw it at a nearby tree and was pleased to see it hit and stick, penetrating the bark and embedding itself firmly.
Marlena wasn’t sure what to think of that; it frightened her to see his rage, though she fully understood and believed he had every right to feel it. She was afraid of what it did to his heart and soul. “Honey… why don’t you..go for a walk, maybe you could do some…praying about this. Remember on the island when you..” she started.That remark seemed to remind him of some long buried emotions and John began to reveal some hidden feelings with an unxpectedly bitterly angry tone, “Do I remember? Yes, as a matter of fact I do, Doc. I remember that I was thankful for you and the kids and I prayed God would help me with all of it, that he would help us grow closer and I also remember what happened next.”
John stepped away from her and looked out over toward the lake, pausing long enough to gather the facts in one long string, then he turned back toward Marlena and nearly exploded on her with angry frustra-tion, “I was drugged, made to appear crazy so that even my own *wife* didn’t believe in me anymore and took complete control over everything about me. Even when I BEGGED you to believe me, you didn’t even bother to check!! Then I was abducted and beat up and I went through hell with the drug withdrawal and those bastards in the press trashed my reputation and basically ruined my life. And when I finally remembered that Roman Brady was one of the people who….hurt me, nobody, including YOU believed me and I ended up with a busted jaw! Now, here I am hiding out because I’ve been accused of yet another crime I didn’t commit! And you think I’m gonna pray…now? You got any more great advice for me, Doctor!!” he shouted at her in bitter resentment.
Marlena winced at his tone, the pain in his eyes and the tensionin the muscles of his face, but just let him yell at her, believing heneeded to get it all off his chest. She had often wondered if some of those issues were truly resolved for him and now she knew without a doubt,the answer was a definitive no. They had made a few attempts to talk about her lack of belief in what he tried so desperately to tell her at the time as well as the fact that she had essentially stripped him of all control over his life for a few months time. Obviously, he still carried deep resentment about how she treated him and his feelings regarding his horrible ordeal needed to be confronted, but he was muchtoo upset to discuss it rationally at the moment. John stared at her, exasperated by her outwardly calm demeanor, waiting for an equally angry or defensive response, and when he didn’t get one, he stomped off into the woods. Clearly, he needed some time to blow off steam and then maybehe would be ready to talk about all the pent up emotions that were justrevealed with such intensity. As she watched him hike away from her, she sighed tiredly andsaid out loud, as if he were there,
“Oh, John.. I didn’t think you were really past all that, like you’ve tried to tell me and yourself that youwere.” After that, she continued to speak to him in her mind, ‘I’m sorrythere’s so much pain for you to deal with all at once. But, you can always count on me, John. You aren’t going to lose me, honey… no matter how angry you get, no matter what you say, I’m staying with you. I think that’s what you have needed for most of your life… to experience completely unconditional love. More than anything else you need to know with total assurance that I can take your frustration and anger and anyother emotions you feel about everything that has happened. I also wantyou to know without a doubt in your mind that I will never reject you orabandon you because of something from your past, or anything else. I’ll be here, John, I’ll always be here for you.’As I kiss this fallen tearI promise you I will be here……..Until the stars fall from the skyUntil I find the reason whyAnd darlin as the years go byUntil there’s no tears left to cryUntil the angels close my eyesAnd even if we’re worlds apartI’ll find my way back to you by heart…..
Chapter 60 (part two
)Finding Our Way By Heart
John headed away from the cabin, trapsing through the woods and down toward the lake he saw from a distance. It was a good long hike from there, but he needed some exercise anyway, so he went. Almost as soon as his little tirade was over he regretted what he said to his wife. She was the one person he could always count on to be there for him and he just yelled at her. ‘Good one, John… take it out on Doc why don’t you, the one who has stood by you through this whole nightmare you’ve been living. Most women would have bailed out on you a long time ago. Just think if this would have happened when you were with Kristen; she could never have handled it and you would have been a basket case in some nuthouse by now. You damn well better be thankful for what you have! Marlena Evans is the best thing that EVER happened to you and you better appreciate her every second of your life, pal!’ he chastised himself, strongly.
Still feeling frustrated about his situation; but he continuedon toward the water, planning his apology for later. When he finally arrived at the lake, he started to hunt around for small stones to skip across the water as an outlet for his frustration. After doing so for about ten minutes, he realized that it didn’t make him feel better in the slightest, so he started chucking bigger rocks in the water and that wasn’t enough either. The rocks got bigger and bigger, heavier too. Pretty soon, he was choosing rocks he could hardly pick up and he was becoming fatigued from the exertion of lifting and throwing them in the water.
At last, John found the Daddy of all rocks and he had to put all his weight into lifting it above his head, saying, “This is the last one, this will do it for sure,” he said, his energy fading fast. John somehow managed to get it over his head and was prepared to throw it down into the lake; he was on the high side of the lake and the bank was three feet or so above the water. The only problem was that it had rained recently and the grass was wet and the bare sections were muddy, so John knew he had to be careful not to slip. Feeling like his feet were well planted, John was ready to throw the rock; he gave it two backward and forward motions, then put all his remaining strength into heaving it over his head and down into the water. Just as the rock was on its way out of his two hands, his feet began to slip out from behind him and he felt the momentum of his throw pulling his upper body toward the water’s edge. Before he could do anything to stop it from happening, he was well on his way down into the water, narrowly avoiding doing a headfirst dive into shallow water. As it was, he belly flopped…hard, “OW!!!” he yelled when he made contact with the water. After his chest went in, so did his head and then he was in a prone position, trying desperately to get his legs under-neath him. John came up sputtering a nasty mixture of mud and water from his mouth and he uttered a few choice words about it as well, feeling very thankful that neither Marlena or any of their friends were there to see him make what he thought was a *very graceful manuever.*
“Oh, man that’s gross!” he exclaimed as he spit out the rest of the gunk in his mouth. It took several tries to climb back out because he was covered in goopy mud which was quite slippery and he couldn’t get a good hand grip or a steady toe hold when he made the attempt. He was nearly exhausted when he finally managed to get out of the muddy lake, and then when he got a good look at himself, he burst into fits of laughter about his current condition.
Putting his hands over his mouth and doing a commentators voice he said, “How about that! We’ve just had a tremendous belly flop from the underdog on the American team today… but as you know… the East German judges are always the toughest. What’s it gonna be…He gives Black a…two for artistic impression and a… Ooh, only a one on technical merit. Ouch, there’s no doubt about it, that’s gonna hurt the American’s chances in the all-around title. What a tough break for John Black! ” John made the sounds of a booing crowd and then started laughing at himself again. “Good job, John…you sure made your point didn’t you, you sure showed Doc what it’s all about!”
He couldn’t stop laughing at himself and he found that somewhere along the way his frustration and anger seemed to disappear. Laughing and using up so much energy was just what he needed, so he headed on back toward the cabin, much more slowly, thinking all the while about how much fun Marlena was going to have teasing him about what happened. There was just no way out of it, he was going to be teased unmercifully for the next several days and then some, especially when Abe and Bo got wind of it. ‘Oh, well, serves you right, you hothead!’
Marlena stood on the porch of the cabin for a long while, wondering how long it might take John to cool down. A good hike was just what he needed. Maybe he’ll go down to the lake, it’s just what he loves, being bythe water. After a few more minutes, she went back inside to make sure that when he did return everything would be just perfect for a night of romance, after a long talk, of course. She looked through the collection of CDs and found a few to her liking and set them aside. Then, she went back to the kitchen where she found some wine, caviar and other appetizer type food, perfect for setting the ambiance she wanted. They were also things she didn’t have to cook which was good for several reasons, she thought, chuckling at what her husband would say if she ever admitted that to him. Next, she put some aromatic candles out, set the table and then surveyed the room, saying to herself, “Okay, Marlena… you’ve got food,wine, candles, music… what else do you need to make this a special night for the man you love?”
“Uh… how about a nice hot shower first?” said a sweet voice with an apologetic tone. She turned around and immediately began to giggle at the sight of him; he was soaking wet and caked with mud, from head to toe.After covering her mouth to contain her laughter, she exclaimed, “Oh My!What in the world happened to you, honey?” Grinning sheepishly, he said, “Uh…can’t you tell, Doc? I kinda…. fell into the lake,” he said laughing at himself, wishing he didn’t have to tell the story, but knowing it was unavoidable.
“Yes, but the question is how, John? You look like you wallowed in the mud, honey.. he he he!” She was chuckling in spite of the frown on his face and couldn’t wait to hear the story.
John sighed with the knowledge that at least someone could be entertained at the moment and started in, “Well, I… uh…was pretty upset, as you know.. and I…started throwing these little rocks, trying to skip them across the water to get rid of some anger, but that wasn’t doing a thing for me. So I… started looking for bigger and bigger rocksto throw, you know… to work out my..frustration or whatever. Anyway, after awhile I found this one rock that was so big I could hardly lift it. I was getting tired by that time and I thought, now that one ought to do it. So, I was able to pick it up and just as I had it over my head to throw it, I started to slip on the mud. Somehow I was able to get rid of it, but I lost my balance and fell in right afterward.” Seeing how funny she thought it was he embellished it a little, “I did a glorious belly-flop, Doc, but the East German judge only gave me a two. I think I was robbed, it was worth at least a five,” he said with a proud smile. So..anyway…that’s how it happened.”
Marlena was picturing the scene, and was laughing so hard by theend that tears were sliding down her cheeks. Finally, she recoveredenough to ask, “So… did you.. work out all your frustrations, John?”
“Hell if I know…it sure woke me up though, that water is pretty darn cold for this time of year. I’m..freezing, Doc!” he said, not laughing anymore.
She could see that he was starting to shiver quite powerfully and made a move to help him get the sopping wet muddy clothes off his chilled body. “Well, it sure is a good thing you chopped all that wood earlier,now wasn’t it?” she teased.
“Yea, yea.. yea.. milk this one for all its worth, Doc. I gotta admit it’s pretty darn funny. You should have seen me, Doc. I was runningaround looking for these rocks, getting angrier and angrier and then when I fell in, all I could do was laugh at myself and how stupid it allwas. Listen, I’m…really sorry I yelled at you like that. You’re the one I should be thanking for standing by me all these months, the one Ineed to cherish for every second of every day, and here I am shouting at you like what I’ve been going through is partly your fault.”
As she took off his jacket, she said, “Of course, I forgive you,John. We do need to talk about everything that has happened, including what you were feeling a little while ago. But for right now, let me helpyou get out of those clothes. You’re shivering, honey,” Marlena said, feeling concerned at this point.
John nodded and said, “Yea…I’m….really..starting to get…c..c..cold.” Marlena stepped close to him and kissed his trembling lips,warming them slightly and he moaned with the contrast of the warm sensa-tion in his mouth as compared to the chill he felt in the rest of his body. “Oh, Doc, that’s so…nice,” he said dreamily. Then he added a question, “Would you care to… do that to the rest of this shivering body of mine? I promise to be sweet to you and make nice for the rest of the night,” he finished with a boyish smile and a pleading voice.
“Well…. I don’t know.. I’ll have to think about it. Would you care to demonstrate how sweet you intend to be, maybe that will help convince me I should agree.” She was pulling off his wet shirt and heading toward his pants as she teased him.
“Oh…that’s easy,” he said, glad to have some of his cold wet clothes off his body. He reached down to undo the zipper and then before he knew it, he was naked and she had a nice warm blanket wrapped aroundhim and a bowl of hot water for his feet. After he pulled her into a warm, lingering kiss again, she proceeded to start a fire in the fireplacewhile he sat down on the bearskin rug and tried to warm himself up alittle bit. He realized that looking at her was all the firestarter hereally needed. “Oh, Doc… I love you, and there is nothing I want morethan to be close to you tonight.” She was pleased to see he was over the reaction to his painfulmemory from earlier in the day, “Oh, I do like the sound of that, sweetheart.”
“Well, if you come on over here, you might just like the…feel of it too, baby. Come on and I’ll show you what I mean.” He winked and flashed a seductive smile and she sighed with the knowledge that the evening was going to be all she hoped for and then some.
“I’ll be right there, there’s a little something I need to dofirst.” She sauntered into the bathroom and started the water runningin the large tub, putting an ample amount of bubble bath in with it andthen returned to sit beside him, wearing only a light robe. “Care tobathe with me before we dine, my dear muddy husband?” she asked witha seductive expression to match his.
John kissed her with tenderness, allowing them both to have smoldering pleasure, his lips hovering over hers before and after their tongues became reacquainted. Then he gazed deeply into her inviting eyes, and answered softly, “Why of course, my sweet, forgiving, amazing and…oh so very sexy wife.”
Marlena used the remote to flip on the stereo to continue to seta mood for their time together, then pulled his face to hers and showed him exactly how sexy she was feeling to hear him speak so lovingly.”Oooh, and I can’t wait to be with you.. my amazingly sexy husband. I like it when you have nothing but a blanket on, it gives me such easy access to all my favorite parts,” she said with a throaty whisper, whilegently massaging some of them.
“Oh, Doc… I like when you have easy access too..” he said,moaning at the same time as he pulled her close and began to reach insideher robe to gently caress her breasts.
“John… whew.. I need you, honey. I need you so..much,” she saidin response to his incredibly stimulating touch.Hold me close, baby pleaseTell me anything but that you’re going to leaveAs I kiss this fallen tearI promise you I will be hereUntil the stars fall from the skyUntil I find the reason whyAnd darling as the years go byUntil there’s no tears left to cry Until the angels close my eyesAnd even if we’re worlds apartI’ll find my way back to you by heart………After enjoying their intimate contact as well as the quiet music for a minute or two, John rose and took her hand, saying, “Come bathe with me, my love.”
Allowing him to guide her toward the bathroom she said, “Oh, I thought you’d never ask. I’d be more than glad to, John. I love you, muddy hair and all.”
“Good thing, cause you’re stuck with me….muddy hair and..all.’He stopped and showed her again how his body was affected by its proximity to hers.
“Ooh, John.. I like the… ‘and all’ part the best!” she said excitedly.
“Good, cause there’s plenty more of it… In fact, I would venture to say it will take all night long for me to show you that part.” He kissed her and pulled her close, pressing his body against hers again, and she swooned, “Oh, John… how I’ve missed this… I love you so much and all I want to do tonight is show you how I feel about you.”
He was amazed by the depth of her love for him, after everythinghe had put her through. “I love you too, Doc and I really am sorry aboutblowing off at you earlier, it was… out of line and I hope you canforgive me.” As they stood ready to climb into the tub, she kissed him lightlyand said, “Of course I
can, John…but we do need to talk about all that. I know that you still have some unresolved emotions about how Itreated you and we need to work on that, but for now…let’s just enjoybeing alone together,” she said with a smile that could make him forget everything except joining with her in that blissful experience of love-making he shared only with her.
“You know you’ll get no argument from me on that one, but I guessyou’re right. I have been hanging on to some…anger about all that and I do want to get past it because it’s been affecting our relationship. Iguess that’s my fault for not..coming to you about it sooner. I’m sorry,Marlena.”
“It’s okay, John, I understand that you had so much to deal with that you had to put some things on the back burner. We’ll talk it through… later…” she started to say, just before kissing him again. “Mmm, later…. much…later.” he added, in between kisses and moans of pleasure. “Oh, Doc you taste so good to me… Honey, I’ve missedbeing with you so much.”
When you go I’ll start to fly
I won’t ever let this moment stop
Time is stealing you from me
But it can never take this memory
Until the stars fall from the sky
Until I find the reason why
And darling as the years go by
Until there’s no tears left to cry
Until the angels close my eyes
And even if we’re worlds apart
I’ll find my way back to you by heart…..
Chapter 61
Unconditonal Love
John climbed into the large porcelain tub first, and then gentlyassisted Marlena to get in as well. It was so nice to spend time alone together, without all the pressure, away from everything and everybody. As they settled down into the warm soothing water, John said, “I’m so glad Abe and Lexie and everybody arranged all this for us, it’s great to get away from everything for a little while, isn’t it?”
She sighed tiredly, “Yes it is..I’ve missed relaxing with you, justholding you like this is wonderful. I love you so much and I hate how hardlife has been for you these past six months or so, John.”
He sighed too, “Yea… I can’t lie about it, Doc…it’s been hell. Half the time I don’t know if I’m in the past or the present. And, every time I felt like I was about to catch my breath, something else happened. I know one thing for sure. I couldn’t have survived it without you, Marlena.” John kissed her neck and nuzzled up a little closer as he told her what her steadfast support meant to him, “You have been my lifeline and I can’t thank you enough for staying with me, for putting up with my insecurities, for just loving me when I was so depressed I could hardly get out of bed and when I was so confused and I hated the world, but I took it out on you. Your love amazes me…Doc.”
Tilting her head toward him, she reached behind her body to touch his face and said, “Honey…you don’t have to keep thanking me, I know that you are grateful. You have been there for me more times than I can count and it was my turn, that’s all. I love you so much and I will alwaysbe here for you, no matter what happens.”
“Oh…Marlena.. I know I’ve said this before too, but I have no idea what I ever did to warrant your loving me, but I know that I am blessed to have you in my life and I am never going to take it for grantedor forget how lucky I am, I swear it.” It touched her to hear him say such nice things. Truthfully, she did struggle with doubts about the long-term success of the marriage periodically, especially when he was so angry and depressed, but had nobodyto direct it toward but her. “John… I feel the same way about you.” Changing the subject seemed liked the wisest course. “Now…where were we before you started to get serious on me?” she asked, not wanting to dwell on those negative thoughts, believing they were insidious and damaging.
Glad she was changing gears, he said, “Oh..I’m sorry, I believe it was right about…here,” and he began to move his hands across the wet surface of her skin, while at the same time, nibbling on her ear lobe from behind.
“Umm hmm… that would be it.. I believe. Ooh, John…. I love it when you do that,” she whispered, in response to the sensation of his breath on her neck and in her ears. She allowed him to take complete control and touch her pleasure zones, running his tongue up and down her neck and all around her ears, alternately kissing her, while she mostly leaned back submissively against his chest. It wasn’t long before she feltwarmth radiating from deep within her body and she moaned with the heateddesire that only he could satisfy.
Soon, John was highly aroused as well, by the close contact and by the sounds of love she was making. Hearing her breathing become ragged with her growing pleasure was enough to stimulate his intense desire to meld his body with hers. He moaned her name, “Marlena…. I want you…so much. I’ve missed this… more than I even knew.”
“Oh, John..so have I,” she said with intensity as she turned herself over and began to touch him as lovingly as he was touching her. She started with a kiss that was gentle and tender at first and then becamemore powerful with each passing second that their tongues were inter-twined. Her hands were low… moving together in perfect rhythm to bringhim mounting pleasure…and he moaned again; his breathing changed too, becoming ragged with his need to join with her. John wanted her now… andhe slid her hands away and gently placed her body on top of his, helping her to move into the most pleasurable position for both of them.
She smiled wickedly and pulled away slightly, wanting to tease him, to make him ache for her and she was successful in her quest, usingher hands and then bending over him to use her mouth as well, “Oh…Doc! Oh…now.. please!” he cried, desperate for the pressure of her weight upon his body. “I need it now..Marlena..oh..please!”
When his breathing was rapid and his eyes were shut tightly, she knew it was time and she complied with his pleading request, allowing him to find that special point of contact. It was effortless, the dual sources of moisture making the instance of immersion nearly perfect. Immediately afterward, she began moving rhythmically up and down over his body and together they rode the waves to their highest point and then backed off slightly, wanting to savor every second of pleasure. “Oh, John… I love you, I’ve needed this for so long…”
“Me too, Doc… oh.. it feels so good…Oh!” John moaned more than ever before as the pleasure was so incredible, so intense.
“John!..oh, John..honey…oh….yes..” Marlena couldn’t remember ever feeling such ecstasy in her entire life, well…maybe on the plane but this was as good as any time during their married life. They reached the crest of the highest wave and rode it all the way until the sea of love began to calm. Their bodies were in perfect synchronization, their breathing, their heartbeats, their whispered words of love… coinciding exactly, as if choreographed by some master designer of lovemaking. It was simply a marvelous experience and John and Marlena leaned back in the warm water, content to hold each other in silence for long minutes afterward, the only sounds made by two rapidly beating hearts and two lovers slowly catching their breath. A short time later, they were lying down and luxuriating next to a roaring fire, both wearing only their robes, not a care in the world. For just one night, they were putting all the pressure, all the memories, all the pain away to enjoy being together. John couldn’t help it though, his mind kept asking that nagging question as he thought back over the past several months. “Honey.. I know we’ve talked about this before…but you don’t have any regrets about marrying me..do you?” John asked, still not quite able to shake his feeling of having made her unhappy because of all the problems he was having and the resulting stress on her and the children. She turned herself around so that she was looking right at him, “No, honey…I don’t. We have been over this so many times, John. Why can’t you believe me?” she asked, somewhat irritated with his inability to accept that she loved him deeply and took her vows seriously. She was not going to leave him and she didn’t regret her choice.
He was quiet for a minute as his mind took him back in time, then he answered softly, “Because… there have been so many nights…when I would wake up from the nightmares and you would be up too. I’ve heard you crying, Doc… and I can’t make your pain stop.” More intensely he added, “I can’t control the flashbacks, I can’t keep the press from hounding us, and I can’t stop my past from putting you and the kids in danger! And now this thing about me being implicated in Roman’s disappearance.” He stoppedtalking, shaking his head in disbelief about all the pain and pressure on them.
Marlena’s heart went out to him; being so out of control was agonizing for him. With her right hand, she touched his left shoulder as a gesture of comfort and said, “Oh, honey… I don’t expect that you can do any of those things. John..it’s not your fault.”
With growing frustration in his voice, he said, “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, Marlena. Knowing it isn’t my fault doesn’t make the pain and pressure any easier to handle, does it?”
She had to agree there, “No..it doesn’t, John. Allright, I’ll behonest with you…there have been a few times when I’ve…wondered if we’re going to make it through this intact, if we can ever be truly happyand at peace..together. I’ve asked myself occasionally what will be left for us when this nightmare is over, but our love will get us through some-how, we have to believe that or we’re doomed to fail, John.” After a moment’s pause she gave him a shot at it, “Do you have regrets, honey?”
He was silent, absorbing her admission, and then he nodded in response. “Yea.. I do, Doc. I regret that I can’t control the memories, that I can’t… deal with the abuse.. that it causes me to shy away from being with you like we were tonight… I deeply regret that it hurts you when I do. I’m frustrated with the fact that I’ve been so..dependent on you for so long, that you had to basically take charge of my life for awhile and that I had to give up running my companies and the charities too. I’m angry about what those bastards put me through in the name of national security and scientific research. There’s so much to deal with that it seems like it’s never going to end and I hate what it’s doing to you and the kids! ” He reached up and stroked her silky hair and brushed her cheek with the knuckles of his right hand as he said, “All I want to do is make you happy, Marlena. That is all I’ve ever wanted and I..can’t!No matter how hard I’ve tried, I just can’t seem to make you happy, Doc!” There were tears in his eyes as he finished expressing the emotions he had been holding inside for quite some time.
She put her hands on his face, saying with great sincerity, “Okay John… I can see that you have a lot on your mind, and we need to talk about all of it, but I want you to stop blaming yourself. It doesn’t do any good, honey. You…do make me happy, I love you very much and being married to you is what I have always wanted. John, for the last time, I don’t regret marrying you… and I never will. I don’t like what’s happened to us…but I don’t blame you for it and I want you to stop it!”
e nodded tearfully and said, “Allright, Doc… you’re right, it doesn’t do any good, I’m sorry.”
“Good, now that we have that settled, John, I want us to talk about what you said earlier today. It’s been sitting there for a couple of months, John. We need to deal with it.”
John looked away from her immediately, hiding his reaction. “I was frustrated and I just blew off at you, it’s nothing. I shouldn’t have said any of it, ” he replied, denying his feelings of anger toward her. It wasn’t the truth, obviously.. because he couldn’t even look at her when he said it. She shook her head, “No… I’m not letting you off that easy, John. You’re angry…. and you have been for a long time. Thatis what has caused some of our problems… as much as any of the rest of it. It’s time you admitted it, John.. admit it to yourself and to me.”
He was standing now, with his back turned, wishing this conversa-tion didn’t need to happen, but knowing she wasn”t going to let it drop.So, he made a half-hearted attempt to put her off. Stoking the fire with a poker, he said, “Not tonight, Doc… please.. I don’t want… to think about all that..now.”
It was a nice try but she wasn’t going for it. Touching him on the sleeve of his robe to catch his eye, she said, “John.. there will always be a reason to avoid it…but we can’t get closer again, not the way we were.. if we don’t talk about it. Tell me how you felt, John… when you were drugged and I didn’t believe you tell me how you feel about it now.”
He glanced at her briefly, but didn’t turn all the way back toward her, not yet. John needed not to look at her, he was working hard to force the formerly well buried emotions down. He didn’t want to be angry at her, he didn’t think he had the right. This was the person who was there for him through everything… it just didn’t seem fair to be angry with her and there was a part of him that was afraid she would leave him if he told her how he really felt. ‘Maybe she’ll decide it just isn’t worth it, if I..’ he was thinking and then he denied it again, “No.. I’m not angry Doc..I’m…grateful,” he said too hesitantly, trying so hard to convince her, but knowing in his heart that he was failing. She knew him so well that she could see right through him sometimes…this was one of them.
“Liar..” she confronted firmly.
That got an immediate reaction, “Don’t call me that! I’m not lying, Marlena.. I am grateful to you.” Carefully putting the poker down on its stand, he stepped away from her and said quietly, “You’ve been there for me…when everybody else was ready to give up on me… you were there, Doc.”
Marlena was beginning to make sense of his reaction; he didn’t think that he could be angry with her. John was still insecure enough thathe thought if he allowed himself to be mad and tell her his true feelingsthat maybe she would decide she had taken enough. She took the risk of having a significant fight with him to make him face it, “No… John.. I wasn’t there the way you needed me to be… I didn’t believe you, I thought you were mentally ill, I… abandoned you too, didn’t I?”
John was fighting her, fighting the truth, still shaking his head.”No.. you…. you… tried to help me..” he stammered, desperate to avoid the inevitable. Marlena didn’t approach him, but kept up the pressure, believinghe needed to accept that it was allright to be angry, and to be reassured that she wouldn’t leave him if he told her the truth.
“You said it yourself, John. I thought you were hearing voices and I medicated you. And every time you tried to tell me something was wrong I didn’t believe you. I pacified you and I was so condescending and controlling, wasn’t I?”
He was shaking his head more vigorously. “Don’t do this, Doc… I don’t want to talk about this!” he pleaded, believing she was going topush him until he came clean and he was afraid of her reaction, even though she was demanding honesty from him.
Marlena could see that he was getting ready to let it go, so she made her final statement, one she thought would bring back all the painful memories. She hated to do it because it was going to hurt him to remember and also because it was hard to admit to the serious mistake she had made that resulted in so much suffering for the man she loved. “You went througha horrible ordeal, John…you went through cold turkey drug withdrawal because I didn’t believe you and you are mad as hell about it, aren’t you, John?” she asked, with the conviction of knowing the answer ahead of time. That was all it took. The images of his suffering and how he felt at the time came rushing back in those last few sentences; she did all those things.
She didn’t believe that the voices could be real, she prescribed antipsychotic medications and then let him be mistreated by the nurse at the house while she took time away from the stress of it all. She watched while he got sicker and sicker and didn’t bother to investigatehis claim that he was being drugged. She left him no choice but to leave, which resulted in the most terrifying and painful three days of his life, three days he spent all alone in a cold dark warehouse while his body rid itself of damaging chemicals. He remembered the nearly continuous vomiting, the cramping.. the agonizing muscles spasms, the lonliness, and the fear!
Finally, he looked right at her and began to admit to his true feelings about what had happened a couple of months back, “Allright, Doc..if you insist on doing this. Yes.. I’m angry..and hurt. You didn’t believeme…when I needed you to believe in me so badly… you… abandoned me! You thought I was crazy! You let them drug me.. and you didn’t bother to do some damn blood work to check it out! I went through HELL because youdidn’t check! You are a doctor.. you should have known.. Dammit, Marlena you should have KNOWN!!” He was breathing hard, the muscles in his jaw were tight; he had held the pain inside for a long time and it was fright-ening to express it.
With deliberate calmness, she said, “Yes I should have, John. I made a mistake… a horrible mistake and I hurt you very much. I am deeply sorry about that. I should have believed you or at the very least ully, through anxious breaths.
She was right, he had been holding back out of that fear. Shaking her head, she directed her gaze straight at him and said reassuringly, “No..honey.. I’m not going to leave you. That’s why you haven’t shared any of this with me, isn’t it? You were afraid that if you got really angry with me that I would decide that I had taken enough and leave you.”
Again, he nodded, tears beginning to fall. “Yea… there’s been so much pressure and I… thought that if I said anything then you wouldjust..give up on me. I didn’t want to lose you, Doc.. I need you so much!” he cried as he pulled her close.
Happy to have it all said, she admonished him gently, “John…I love you and I always want you to be honest with me. We are partners, friends, and lovers and we need to share everything openly. You need to believe in us, John. You should know that I would never leave you because you were angry with me. Holding on to that pain caused us problems, honey.Please don’t do that again, allright?”
John nodded and sighed with relief, knowing beyond all doubt that he really could be totally honest with her about his feelings, even in these troubled times and not be concerned that she would leave him. Marlena loved him deeply and completely and he could trust in that love, no matter what. She would stay with him, even if he yelled at her and told her he was very angry. “Okay Marlena, I believe you and I’m sorry I was holding back. I’m sorry that I didn’t trust in what we have together, thatI doubted the strength of your love for me. I won’t do that ever again, I promise.” Marlena’s love for him was totally unconditional; John finally accepted that truth in his heart and in his mind. Absorbing it all the way to his soul, he smiled at her with tenderness and let her see that he loved her the same way.
As they held each other in the quiet solitude of the cabin in the woods, they felt the amazing and wonderful sense of intimacy returning to their hearts. Marlena took her husband’s hand and guided them back toward the hearth. As they settled down onto bearskin rug again, she gazed into his glistening blue eyes, showing him the deep and abiding love she had for him and then she kissed him so tenderly that he found all thoughts other than the anticipation of blending their bodies in perfect pleasure floating right out of his mind.
Chapter 62
Another Mystery and An Awakening Conscience
Officer Richard Hanson was bored out of his mind, itching to getout there and catch the bad guys. Sitting behind a desk taking phone callswas the last thing in the world he wanted to do. He was a rookie and ever yone had to take a turn doing the most mundane of tasks around the station, but he hated it and couldn’t wait until he was rotated out of there. As he sat there lamenting the fact that he was missing all the action he was hearing on the scanner, the phone rang, “Salem PD, Officer Hanson here…” he said for what seemed like the thousanth time that day.
“Hello…I need to speak to Commander Carver immediately!” said a muffled but anxious voice. “I’m sorry, but he is.. unavailable at the moment, who is this?”
The caller was desperate, believing that man was the one person who could really help handle the situation. “I can’t say, but it’s urgent.Please find a way to reach him for me. It’s a matter of life and death!”
There was genuine fear in that voice and Richard decided he should patch the woman through to his superior, “Allright, I’ll patch you through to him, hold just one moment.”
Richard did what he had learned to do the other day and soon he had Abe Carver on the line, “Commander, I’m sorry to disturb you, but I have an urgent caller on the line, who said lives are at stake.”
“Put the person on.. and thank you Hanson..good work,” he said, knowing the rookie was eager to do what he thought was “real police work.”
“Thank you, sir!” he said enthusiastically as he patched thewoman through. The voice on the line was an anxious one, “Hello…Commander Carver… I need to meet with you.. I have some very important informa-tion, but I can’t do it over the phone. Can you meet me somewhere tonight?” “Who is this?” he asked, not willing to go to a meeting blind.
“Never mind that… I have information about.. John Black and… Roman Brady, information you need to know…but I’m in danger of being discovered. Please meet me Commander…pier 29.. at midnight.”
“Allright…I’ll be there.. but don’t try anything… and… be careful.” The phone cut off abruptly.
Bo was staring at him, waiting for his boss to tell him what had happened. “So… what was that all about, Abe?” “It was a woman, I..think. The voice was muffled with something.But whoever it was is scared to death. She… said that she had infor-mation about John and Roman. She said her life was in danger and she asked me to meet her at pier 29. I’m going, Bo.” “I’m going too,” Bo asserted, working his brain for what he wouldsay next, anticipating an argument with his commanding officer.
“Of course you are Bo, I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’ll need some backup.”
“You wouldn’t?” he asked slightly surprised.
“No…now let’s plan a strategy for this meeting.
Still slightly bewildered, Bo said, “Allright, then let’s get to it.” He stopped and considered an idea and then asked, “Abe… do you think we ought to call John?”
Abe thought about it for a second or two and then said, “No…he needs a break; he and Marlena have been under so much pressure and they really need this time away together. If it turns out to be good information, then we’ll tell him. ”
“Yea… that sounds good, it could be a goose chase anyway, no sense ruining their getaway for nothing,” agreed Bo, his mind already on the meeting to take place in a couple of hours. Jack Henderson was in his den, pacing nervously while waiting for another call in his suburban Maryland home.
There were so manythings happening that were beyond his control and he hated that more than anything else in life. The John Black matter seemed to be gettingout of hand and he wondered if it was time to call another meeting.Roman Brady was missing and Jack wasn’t yet sure who had him or if the man had given up any of their secrets. He hadn’t heard from Dan in a few days which was unlike him. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t heard from any the other operatives either which was usually an indication thatthere were serious problems developing.
On top of that, Peter Blake was pushing for them to pick up the pace and finish Black off, wanting the man’s life to completely disin-tegrate in a very public, very painful way. Peter wanted John Black to lose everything: his businesses, his reputation, his money, his friends, and most especially his wife and children… absolutely everything. His motivation was revenge for the death of his father Stefano Dimera, pureand simple, and that sometimes clashed with the government’s plans. Jack was wondering if it would all come to a head soon. He wanted to destroy the man too, but much more slowly and methodically; he wanted to make it appear as though John Black was coming unglued… all by himself. It didn’t matter that his wife and a few choice friends believedin and supported him. The press had done a wonderful job of painting a colorful picture of a once proud and respectable heroic man who was self-destructing before the eyes of the world. By the time the agency’s operatives and the easily manipulated press corp were through with theirmachinations, John Black would be a broken man, languishing in some psychiatric hospital; that was the objective. Then, if he ever did recover all of his memories, it would all be considered part of his well-established paranoid delusional system. Nobody that mattered wouldtake it seriously and the agency would be safe from public recrimina-tions, and more importantly, from any funding cuts that might be suggested if the voting public were to learn of it and identify with the man’s sorry plight. However, if Peter Blake kept pushing, his care-fully constructed and detailed plans to eliminate John Black as a threat could conceivably fall apart.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, his cell phone rang, “Hello?” he said, hoping it was someone who would impart some useful information to him. “It’s me… Jack.. they’ve got him…I think the ISA has Roman. They took him.. and they’re going to work him over. He might give us away.” “Dan.. glad to hear from you. I was wondering about that… they’ve wanted in on this thing from the very beginning. Black was their agent first and they know that if this thing blows open wide they’ll go down in flames right along with us. If they’re the ones who’ve got him, I’m sure I’ll hear from them soon.” “Yea… listen, there’s something else you should know… Roman.. he told me a few times that he felt a little guilty about what wewere doing to Black… he was trying to figure out why he gets thosebad headaches. I think he was starting to figure out that he was… programmed to help us.” “Oh no… we’re headed for trouble Dan… this thing is getting out of control, we might have to bail. Do you know where Black is right now?” Dan was hesitant to answer that one, knowing it was ultimately his responsibility. “No not exactly… last I heard he was hiding out with his wife somewhere in the mountains. His cop friends helped him avoid being arrested for Roman’s abduction. We had the car followed…but they managed to set our guys up and cut them off. We…lost them, I’m sorry sir.”
“Dammit… I thought he’d be in custody by now and well on his way to a jail sentence. The evidence we left was perfect to set up an air tight case against him. I’m going to step up public pressure for anarrest. In the mean time, you better find them…and watch them care-fully. If for some reason I can’t make that happen and this goes sour,we may need to… eliminate him.” There was complete silence on the line for long seconds and thenDan replied anxiously, alarm in his tone, “But… Jack you said… no…killing, you swore to me… we wouldn’t do that! I don’t want to..take him out. For God’s sake, he’s got a wife and two little kids, Jack!”
The man was willing to humiliate John Black, drive him crazy, drug him and leave him to go through drug withdrawal all alone in an abandoned warehouse, but somehow killing him was wrong? Shaking his head,he said, “You listen to me you lousy hypocrite! I am NOT taking the fall for this! We have come much too far to give up now. I’m warning you. If this blows up in our faces, we are all going down, me, you… everybody on the committee, even the boys at the ISA. Have you got that!Do you want to go to prison for the rest of your miserable life or maybe… join your.. ex-friend six feet under?” He paused to let the threat sink in and then asked one last question, “Now, Dan.. are you going to do what I tell you?”
Dan was a man who knew when to at least make it appear that hewould follow the orders of his commanding officer.
“Yes sir! What aremy orders, sir?” Jack was relieved to hear the respect for his power and authority as well as fear in the other man’s voice. “Allright.. that’s better. Now.. you get out there and you FIND him and then I want you to sit tight and call me on the cell phone when you’ve located him, is thatclear?”
“Yes sir, Jack… I’ll find him!” Dan knew without a doubt he could very well be killed if he didn’t follow orders, but he also knew in his heart that he couldn’t kill the man who had once been hisclosest friend, a man who was like a brother to him before their falling out. In the split second he heard Jack Henderson speak so coldly of eliminating John, his dormant conscience was sparked and long buriedmemories of a close friendship were stimulated.
As he hung up the phone and stared out the window of his tempor-ary home in Salem, he said to himself, “Oh, Johnny… I’m sorry, I never meant for this to get so out of control. I didn’t realize how bad it wasgonna get for you and I fooled myself into believing that it wouldn’t ever come to this.”
Dan’s mind took him back in time to simpler days, times he spentlaughing and joking with his wife Sarah and his best friend John Black.They were like the Three Musketeers in those days. They did everything together, and Sarah was always trying to find the perfect girl for John to fall in love with. She set him up on dates many times with her friendsand he did like some of them, but could never get serious with anyone. He was several years younger and just wasn’t ready yet, not to mention the fact that he had seriously considered the priesthood and stillwasn’t settled with his decision to leave Seminary after one year. Nevertheless, he never turned Sarah down because he liked her so muchand she was trying so hard to help him with his lovelife. He was aperfect gentleman about the dating scene and a great friend to both ofthem. Dan smiled on the memories of their late night silliness; Johnhad a great sense of humor when things were safe for all of them.
There were several serious times too. One particular incidentstood out in Dan’s memories of the long ignored past. John was newlysigned on in an official capacity with the ISA, but he was a keenobserver and he saw something strange that caught his eye when Sarah was about to go off shopping with a girlfriend. They were all supposedto be going, but John thought he was getting a touch of the flu and didn’t want to infect anyone or miss some important training sessions that were scheduled for a day or so later. Therefore, John opted out and Dan suggested that the girls go off on their own shopping, a suggestion readily accepted by Sarah and her friend Julie, someone Johnhad dated a few times and liked a little more than the rest. Julie hadkissed John on the cheek and was already sitting in the car waiting, while Sarah hugged and kissed her husband and then started toward it aswell. Suddenly, John was grabbing Sarah, pushing her forcefully towardDan, and racing toward the car which was parked very near a playground on a crowded street. Julie didn’t hear him at first because the windowwas shut and then before he could reach her or she could understand what he was saying, she started the engine and began to move away from the curb, having planned to turn the car around. The vehicle exploded in the next second, killing Julie instantly, and spraying sharp, burning projectiles in a wide area around the car. The blast sent John flying several yards through the air to land hard on the asphalt in the middleof the road, his body mangled and bloody. Dan thought when he saw it happen that John was dead for certain, but miraculously when he reachedhis friend’s side there was a pulse and John was struggling forconsciousness. Dan never forgot the words he uttered through pain choked, breaths as blood gurgled in his lungs and trickled out his nose, mouth and ears.”Sarah… is she okay?” Dan remembered nodding, amazed by the man’s ability to think of others first and then he was even more amazed when John said, “Don’t….worry.. about me… I’m.. dying Dan… save the kids…. I can hear em screaming.. save the kids.”Those were the last coherent words spoken by John Black for several weeks because his injuries were so severe that he drifted in and out of consciousness for a long time and then was in a coma for severalweeks afterward. When his friend did awaken for brief moments, thepain he experienced from his injuries was so excruciating that he couldbarely speak, but he hardly ever complained.
Dan felt tears fill his eyes as he recalled what John sacrificed that day for him and his wife, and for those children. He pictured John’s bloody face, his torn clothing and his broken body lying on the streettelling him to help the kids first. Recognizing in his mind for thefirst time that Sarah’s death which happened later that same year was not John’s fault, that John loved her like a sister and would never havedone anything to put her in harm’s way, Dan shook his head and spoke out loud with solid resolve. “No, NO! I won’t do it! I won’t kill him,I’ll die before I let them take you out…my friend. I’m sorry that Iwas ever a part of this. I’m going to try to make up for hurting you before and… I’m going to help you, John… somehow I’ll find a way to stop them!”
Back in Salem, it was almost midnight and Abe and Bo made theirway to the pier, Bo slipping down behind the staircase to hide whileAbe met with the mysterious caller who had information about both John and Roman. Abe walked up and down the wooden pier, searching for someone,and he caught a glimpse of something shiny that reflected light andmoved to investigate it. As he got closer he saw that it was a person, no.. more accurately it was a body, an obviously dead body. Kneelingdown for a pulse, he confirmed his suspicion, the person was dead, probably murdered. He rolled the victim over, thinking that the person looked vaguely familiar and then a second later Bo was there at his side.Abe looked up and asked hopefully, “Bo… do you recognize her?”
“Yea… I do… she worked for the Dimera’s, she was a servant at the mansion when Kristen and Peter lived there. Alexandra was hername, I think.”
Abe nodded, “Of course…that’s who it is.. Bo…you know whatthis means, don’t you?”
“Yea.. she was our anonymous caller and now we know the name ofat least one person who has been involved with this campaign to destroyJohn from the very beginning.” Bo paused for one second, both men looked down at the body of a woman lying still and silent on the old wooden planks at Pier 29, then back at each other and said with total certainty, “Peter Blake!”
Chapter 63
Fade To Black
It was a gut feeling about something he thought he had seen before, some strange glare, the way the sunlight reflected differently off the car which alerted his highly trained mind that something was terribly amiss. He broke away from his best friend and raced toward the man’s wife, shoving her backwards toward her husband, forcing them both to fall to the ground exactly as he had hoped. John kept running, shouting as he did so, “Get out, Julie! Get out of the car! GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW!!
There was very little he consciously remembered after that. His youthful body was thrown violently into the air with the force of a tremendous bomb blast that destroyed the car and took his girlfriend’s life instantly. Hot fragments of metal were sent everywhere, a few pieces ripping visciously into John’s skin; the powerful blast had stripped him nearly bare and left him virtually lifeless. Blood gurgled in his lungs, and trickled from his mouth, nose and ears, and he could barely breathe as his friend leaned down over his mangled body.
“Sarah…is she okay?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. Dan looked down at his best friend with empathetic fearful tears in his eyes and all he could do was nod an answer. John sensed his friend’s fear and said, “Don’t.. worry..about me, I’m…dying, Dan. Save the kids.. I can hear em screaming, save the kids.”
Within seconds, his vision blurred and he couldn’t see his friends or even hear them. Darkness was threatening to overtake him, his vision was disappearing moment by moment and he felt the life energy beginning to flow out of his body. He was resigned to the fact and yet, he was absolutely terrified. Tears were forming involuntarily and slipping silently out of his eyes for the excruciating physical pain he was in and the fear and sadness he was feeling, to die all alone, neverhaving known what true love was all about. This was a young man who had known such pain and loss, too much for a man of only 23 years. Then there was someone holding his hand and gently weeping, he knew that because he felt the moisture of tears falling on his bloody cheeks. Sarah spoke to him, imploring him to hear her, “Hold on, John.. please John… you saved my life… Don’t leave us, John! Dan and I need you… we can’t be the Three Musketeers without you.. Fight for your life, John, FIGHT!!’ Sarah believed he was actively dying and she pleaded with her Lord to spare this incredibly brave and selfless young man whom she had quickly grown to love like a little brother. Several children’s lives were spared because he told his friends to help them instead of him, when he was in agonizing pain and lying bloody and battered in the middle of a Paris street. He heard the wailing sounds of ambulance sirens, the hysterical screams of children and adults trying to find each other and then Sarah’s anguished desperate prayers, “Please God! Don’t let him die!”
He thought briefly that it wouldn’t be so bad to join his Lord in heaven, his life had been so difficult and painful until recently when he met Joe Williams and Dan and his wife Sarah Heckman, and then the will to live, the fear of death itself and the uncertainty of what followed touched his heart. “No, No… NO!” he cried as he felt himself slipping away from the natural world, his consciousness drifting slowly out of his physical body. He wanted to scream at the top of his blood filled lungs, the pain and fear were so great, but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. It was a silent scream of sheer terror and that was the last thing he remembered before the lights went out and every-thing faded to black.
Marlena was lying in that peaceful state of half-sleep, half-wakefulness when she noticed her husband becoming restless, moving in his sleep. Then, he suddenly, screamed, “NO!! NO!!” and sat up in bed, breathing hard and fast, sweat beads all over his forehead and chest, his demeanor, fearful. John didn’t speak; he just sat there, his breathing very rapid and shallow, his eyes wide with terror, darting back and forth as if scanning the environment for signs of danger or laboring to determine which experience was the real life one.
She touched him very lightly on the shoulder and he flinched, looking as though he was nearly ready to jump off the bed when he seemed to become more aware of being awake and with her in the present. She waited for a moment to let reality register and said softly, “John… honey, can you tell me what just happened?”
Still breathing too fast, he shut his eyes tightly and shook his head lightly, as if to clear away the cobwebs. Putting his outstretched fingers to his temples, he answered, “Mmm, I… was..dreaming.. It was that first one.. you know the one that woke me up all those months ago… There was a bomb.. and I.. saved my friend Sarah, but my… girlfriend’s car was blown to smithereens and she was killed instantly. I was…thrown several yards and I… had very serious injuries. I was dying in the dream. I was.. lying there in the middle of the street bleeding from every place and my eyesight started to fade. I was.. all alone in darkness… bleeding to death; the pain was horrible and I knew I was dying. It was so….real Doc, it was so.. real! And then Sarah was there, holding my hand and… crying.. pleading with me to hear her and fight to stay alive. She started praying for God to save me, that was the last thing I remembered, everything just went black after that.”
She pulled his still trembling body to her and held him in silence while he willed the images to flee from his mind. “Oh, honey… that must have been horrifying for you.” After hugging him for a few moreseconds, she asked, “Do you remember anything after that, anything at all?” wanting to help him put the dream in context.
He shook his head and said with discouragement, “No… I don’t know why there was a bomb, I don’t remember the girl in the car… I guess I must have dated her a few times. Somebody I was…with was killed… probably because of my work and I don’t even remember her…” He was shaking his head in frustration and sadness. Every time a memory came back it was full of violence, and pain, and death.
In comiseration, she said, “I’m sorry, John.. I know that hurts you.”
He stood up and walked across the wooden floor of the cabin and stared out at fog that had settled over the valley in the night, thinking,”That’s about the way my mind is these days, covered in fog. I know there’s something in there, but I just can’t see it”. With his back turned he said dejectedly, “Doc… every time I remember something from my past it’s full of violence, and pain and…death. Tell me something,why… don’t I remember the good things? Didn’t anything good ever happen to me and the people I loved, or am I just here to ruin people’slives?”
Her heart went out to him, that was how it must seem to him sometimes, that his life was full of one tragedy after another since about the age of five. She walked across the room and put both hands on his shoulders as a gesture of comfort, saying tenderly, “Oh, honey… I’m sorry this is all so hard on you. And I know that for a long time now, you’ve been remembering only the painful things that happened in your past, but that will change. I believe that you are remembering specific events that are significant for you in putting together the pieces of the puzzle. These violent painful dreams and flashbacks are all coming up now for that reason, to give you the answers you need to complete the picture.”
He shrugged his shoulders and turned around to face her, saying sarcastically, “Helluva puzzle isn’t it? Aren’t you glad you got mixed up with me? Never a dull moment, is there?” he said, only half joking.
There he was, being derogatory about himself and indicating that she might be dissatisfied with her choice because of his problems with his do… but, John.. you push yourself too hard and you don’t know when to stop and rest.” Staring into his troubled soul, she said, “Here and now.. is the time for you to rest. Take a break, okay?”
He sighed with exasperation, released her and spoke sharply while putting on his workout clothes, “Fine… I’m just… gonna go for a run then, I’ll see you later.”
Crossing the distance he had opened between them, she put a restraining hand on his arm. “John… please, don’t.. go, don’t… pull away from me again. I can take anything but that,” she said worriedly as tears started to form in her eyes. He wasn’t looking at her and didn’t see the tears, or he might have reacted differently to her request. Instead, he responded curtly as he finished putting on his running shoes. Fully dressed and prepared to walk out the door, he said with intensity through slightly clenched teeth, “What do you expect from me, Doc? You won’t help me! Don’t you understand.. how frustrating this is for me, how out of control I feel? It’s been so long, Marlena, I just… want.. to get these memories back or I’ll never be able to get us out from under all this pressure! I won’t be able to protect you!”
Placing her hands on his cheeks, she said tenderly, “Oh, John.. sweety I do know.. that this is all very frustrating for you, but I am a psychiatrist. I shouldn’t be treating you anyway, but if I were, I would tell you the same thing, it’s too soon. You haven’t even addressed what you remembered yesterday and the night before that, and you need to give it a little time before you have another session. When we get back to Salem, we can set up another appointment for you to see Laura, okay?”
He pulled away slightly and was shaking her head as he said, “No… I don’t want to see her, I can’t…. talk to her, not like I can to you…Doc. You’re the only one that I can be completely open with, Marlena. ” “John, I understand that and we can talk anytime you like, but I don’t think I should ever do any formal treatment with you again, it’s not ethical. If you don’t feel comfortable with Laura, then maybe we should find someone else.”
He reacted ever more strongly to that suggestion, “NO! I don’t *want* to see anybody else! How about if you come to my sessions with Laura and then you’ll know what happens when she puts me under. I’ll feel better about it if you’re there.”
“Sure.. John, I can be there when you’re under hypnosis if you want me to be, but Laura will conduct the sessions, allright?”
He nodded and agreed, “Okay… I can live with that. .. I just feel… safer with you, you know and I don’t feel comfortable opening up with anyone else. I just love you so much and I trust you.” “And, I love you too… so much, John. In spite of how it must feel for you, that is why I have turned you down, because I am thinking of what is best for you.”
Hugging her, he nodded his head, sighed and said quietly, “Yea…I know that, and I appreciate it, I really do. I’m just so aggravated about not being able to get my past back. I want to stop these people from destroying my life and stop the press from harassing you and the kids and ruining my reputation. I want to catch them and make them pay for all the pain they’ve caused us. And right now, I want to know why that bomb blew up a car, killing at least one person, an innocent young woman, and injured so many more, myself included.” She wanted to encourage him and give him some hope for a positiveoutcome at some point. While beginning to massage those knotted musclesin his neck and shoulders, she said, “You will get the memories back, John. You’re already remembering so many things and they aren’t so fragmented now. You haven’t had a flashback for a few weeks. Maybe the worst of it is over.”
“Maybe so… I hope you’re right, Doc,” John said, trying to let himself relax under the tender touch of her loving hands. He didn’t trulybelieve that for a second. He was a wanted man, somebody from the CIA and/or the ISA, maybe others included, had set up the scene, planting evidence so that he would be arrested for abducting Roman Brady. If that plan fell through there would be some other scheme to chip away at hiscredibility and cause him pain and suffering, meant to destroy his ability to function normally in society. John prayed they wouldn’t go after his family in earnest, now that they had taken a different approach besides threatening him so he wouldn’t tell Marlena what was going on. They had let go on that issue after the drugging incident failed to landhim in an institution. Whoever they were, however, they were obviouslyplanning to keep up the pressure until he broke. That was apparently what they planned all along, to just keep pushing until he couldn’t takeit anymore, driving him over the edge into madness. That way, if and when he ever recovered the memories of his past, there would be no oneto believe him. John vowed not to let that happen. In his mind, he wanted to believe his wife, the other alternative was too painful to contemplate for any length of time. Working hard to shake off the images of being locked up in some psychiatric hospital, sitting in a paddedroom wearing a straight jacket, he said to himself, ‘Maybe Marlena is right, maybe the worst is over, at least in terms of my own personal struggles with the memories. Maybe, I’ll get more and more whole memories back and then it will all fit together into an organized picture and then I can map it out on some kind of a timeline like I’ve been hopingfor all along.’
A menacing voice from the past whispered to him in the back ofhis head, saying, “Sure, John.. You know that’s nothing more than justwishful thinking, you’ll never regain your past. I took your memories and you’ll never get them all back. I’m dead and I still have controlover your life..my Pawn…Ha Ha Ha!”
‘No… NO! That’s not true, you BASTARD! I will get my memories back… in spite of what you did to screw up my head. I WILL get my pastback Old Man!!’ he replied, shouting at Stefano in his mind. ‘I WILL!’
Marlena could see that the wheels of his mind were turning andshe wanted to know what he was thinking about. “John… what is it, is it another memory?”
He blew out a long breath and replied quietly, “No… just a… blast from the past…nothing that matters now. Doc.. let’s get out of here for awhile, maybe go down to the lake. I want to forget abouteverything else but you and me.. together, for a little while, allright?”
She smiled lightly and took his hand, saying, “I was hoping youwould ask me to go along with you. I love you and I hate seeing youstruggle with all this pain by yourself. I want to be there for you, John.. if you’ll let me.”
Nodding his head, John said, “Okay… I will, thanks, Doc.. We’ll talk later about those memories from the past couple of days.You’re right, there is alot to deal with and we really should discuss them, like you said. And then, I can keep going with the hypnosisto recover more of my past.”
She smiled more convincingly, glad to have the tension begin to fade between them and said, “Well, then… let’s get on outside and down to that lake for a nice diversion. I want to see the famous spot where that incredible belly flop was performed by the American team yesterday afternoon.” With a wide teasing grin on her face she started to say, “It sounds quite amus… I mean.. fascinating,” she said, hoping to cajole him out of his dark mood.
He chuckled in remembrance of the moment, saying, “Oh.. you do.. huh? You think that’s funny don’t you… Well, you’re right, it’s pretty damn funny. Allright, Doc, let’s blow this joint and I will tell you the whole sordid story of the tragic downfall… of the once proud member of the American diving team. It’s a sad story indeed.”
Marlena dressed quickly and they left the cabin arm in arm and walked all the way down to the lake holding hands and smiling all the way. This was a couple that knew how to work through their problems and then let them go. They had a love that could stand up to any challenge and keep on growing closer in the process. Each time they confronted some difficulty, big or small, and resolved it, they were more assured of that truth. Their love would never fade, and it would never die. It was a love everlasting,ever true.
Chapter 64
Various Points of View
It was midmorning and Abraham Carver sat in the chair behind his desk and Bo Brady was sitting across the room from him, both of them essentially twiddling their thumbs while waiting for the Coroner’s report on the female murder victim they found on the pier the previous night. They hadn’t had any new leads on Roman Brady’s whereabouts, but with Lexie’s help they had isolated some gaps in that man’s account of his whereabouts on the night John was beaten, drugged and left in an abandoned warehouse. Abe thought they needed to deal with the murder immediately if they had any chance of solving it, so they decided to concentrate on the Peter Blake angle for the moment. Just as they were about to go bother the medical examiner again, a uniformed officer came in with an express mail envelope. Abe received it eagerly and checked the outside; there was no return address, as might be expected. He opened it quickly and read the first page out loud to Bo.To Commander Abraham Carver and/or Detective Bo Brady:If you are reading this letter then I must be dead. I have compiled the enclosed documents to help your friend John Black, who was always very kind to me when he lived at the Dimera Mansion with Kristen. I have worked for both Kristen and her brother Peter Blake over the past several years, and I found out recently that Peter has been involved in the campaign to ruin Mr. Black’s life from the very beginning. I do not think Kristen has had any involvement, but I cannot be absolutely certain of that. She says that although she still loves John, she decided long ago to let him be happy with Dr. Evans and I have seen nothing as of yet to indicate otherwise.
Peter, on the other hand, has definitely been plotting with someone in Washington DC., possibly in a government agency of some sort. I cannot be sure about the details, as I have heard only bits and pieces of telephone conversations. His motive is, of course, revenge for the death of his father, Stefano Dimera. Peter hates Mr. Black quite intensely and will literally stop at nothing to completely destroy his life. I have secretly collected copies of telephone records, bank statements, Visa bills, plane tickets, all sorts of information I thought you might find helpful in building a case against him and determining whom he has been working with all this time. I wanted to meet with you personally to talk about everything, but if you are reading this, it was simply not meant to be. Please use this information to help your friend. I have always known that he is a very good and caring man and he does not deserve what the Dimera family has done to him over the years. If you are able to put Peter behind bars for his part in this terrible wrongdoing, then I will know that my death will not have been in vain.Sincerely,Alexandra Simmons.
Both men of the law were stunned and sat in silence for a moment or two, trying to absorb what they had just learned. Finally, Bo voiced his reaction, “Woah.. that’s some gutsy action from a person at her level. She basically sacrificed her life to help John out.” Thinking about how John might handle that news, Bo shook his head, saying, “Oh, man.. this will tear him apart. He’s already so upset about how much his past and everything else that’s been happening to him has hurt all of us. And now.. somebody who wasn’t even involved died because of it.”
Abe nodded while flipping through the material, and said, “Yes it will, that’s why we’re not going to tell him where this stuff came from.”
Bo stared at his boss in disbelief. “Oh, Abe.. he won’t like that at all. If he figures it out and thinks we’re shielding him in some way.. he’s likely to go it alone. It’s awfully risky.”
His commander sighed wearily and sat down in his chair, saying as he nodded in agreement, “Yea.. you’re right, Bo, it is risky. I know how much he hates to be kept in the dark and he really hates it when someone tries to protect him from something like this. He already thinks we all feel sorry for him..” Shaking his head he stuck to his original comment, “..but I definitely don’t like the idea of telling him that someone who was totally innocent was murdered for trying to help him. He’s been under so much stress and pressure, I don’t know if he can take anything more.” Bo thought of a way to address the situation, “Maybe we should tell Laura and Marlena first and let them decide if they think he can handle it on top of everything else he’s going through right now.” Abe agr
eed, thinking that was a satisfactory solution, “Good idea Bo. That’s what we’ll do. But, he will need to know about Peter right away. It will help him make some sense out of all this madness to learn the name of one person who is at least partially responsible for what’s been happening to him all these months.”
Bo nodded, saying, “Yea.. he hasn’t had anybody to focus his frustration on until he remembered Roman being in the warehouse with him. We’ll tell him about Peter, we just won’t tell him how we know. We can say we got this information anonymously and then maybe he won’t ever have to know about Alexandra’s death.”
“That sounds good to me, Bo.” Abe went back in his mind to a point in time over a year ago. You know when I come to think of it, John used to tell me about Alexandra once in awhile. He said she was in some financial trouble and she was a single mother and he kind of took a liking to her and her child and helped her out with things like finding a safer place to live and setting up a play structure for her little boy, things like that. It’ll upset him alot to know she was killed because she became involved in his problems.”
Deciding to file that information away for later, Abe switched gears and said, “So, anyway… you want to be the one to interrupt the happy couple during their first full day away from all of the craziness or should I?” “You’re the boss man, do the honors, Abe,” Bo said with a smileand a mock salute.
Abe smiled back at him and said jokingly, “Oh.. the burdens of authority are such a heavy weight on my shoulders.” They shared a light chuckle over that one and then Abe got up and left the office to usehis wife’s private cell phone to call John and Marlena at the cabin.
Abe had to be extremely careful about his contact with his friends from now on. He had to make it look like he was trying to apprehend John Black, the only viable suspect in the sudden disappearanceof one Roman Augustus Brady. Although he knew without a doubt that Johnhad nothing to do with the abduction, he had no information that wouldprove his belief to be true in the eyes of the law. Based on the evidence found at the pier, there had been a warrant issued for John’sarrest first thing in the morning and almost every man and woman on the Salem PD was seriously committed to bringing him in, because Roman was once one of their own and the police closed ranks in situations like these. If John were innocent, the investigation and the adjudicationprocess would vindicate the man. Justice had to be served and so they were prepared to arrest another man who had been one of them for nearly seven years. Abe and Bo were walking a high wire and if they fell off, the results would be disasterous for them as well as John and his family
.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
an Heckman had awakened fairly early and was well on the way to the spot where his people had lost the vehicle bearing John Black and his wife Marlena. He should be there within the hour, he concluded from looking at the odometer on his sport utility vehicle. He was working his brain to figure out what to do about at least two problems. One was how to throw Jack Henderson and his mercenary types off the trail so he could get to John first and the other was to make some miracle happen that would allow John to listen to his apology. Getting John to take the next monumental step and trust Dan enough to accept his help was seemingly an impossible accomplishment. As Dan contemplated both issues, his mind took him back in time, several weeks earlier to that fateful night in the dark abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Salem. He shuddered as the images flashed before his eyes repeatedly like a video that was being rewound and played over and over. John was lying there on the cold concrete floor in great pain, struggling valiantly not to let his fear show on his face, a blindfold over his eyes, tape stretched tightly across his mouth. The man was already beginning to show symptoms of withdrawal, but was groggy from the combination of drug effects on his body. On top of that… Dan and Roman kicked him repeatedly in the gut and lower back until he was beaten to unconscious, injected him one last time with a combination of heroine and morphine and left him there to suffer throughthe agonizing withdrawal all alone. It literally made Dan sick to think of what John must have experienced… the cramps and vomiting, the pain, the fear, the loneliness.. “Oh, John… My God.. I don’t know how I ever could have done something like that to you! You almost died for Sarah in that bombing and then I blamed you for her death. I know that it wasn’t your fault. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for what I did to you, but I’m going to help you anyway, old friend.” As Dan tooled along the curvy mountain road, enjoying the spectacular views, he didn’t notice that he was being followed at a discreet distance. He had no reason to suspect that was the case, so he wasn’t looking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John and Marlena made their way to the edge of the lake and they walked along the water’s edge, arm in arm, enjoying the peace and quiet of the natural world. “So… where was it that you did your little dive, John?” Marlena asked teasingly, looking all around the banks of the lake.
He smiled with the light of the sun and just looked at her, admiring her beauty and said, “Doc…I love you… I love you more and more and more.. every day of our life together, you know that?” And then he tugged on her hand and folded her into the warmth and comfort of his loving arms and kissed her so sweetly and tenderly that she found herselflost inside that love.
This moment in time, this intimacy, this simple pleasure of being together was what she dreamed of sharing with him for weeks on end and she felt the moisture of tears forming in her eyes. The emotions she hadn’t fully expressed came rushing to the surface, and she shared her pain, “Oh… John, you know that I feel the same way about you, honey.. but.. it’s been so.. difficult for us lately! Sometimes you go away… to some other place I can’t go, and I.. don’t know how to bring you back to me. I’ve missed you so much, John.. I’ve missed holding you, making love with you.. just.. talking so openly like we have since we came here.” She reached up to touch his face and neck, caressing them with all the love and tenderness she felt toward him.
Gazing intently into his bright blue eyes, she said seriously, “John, I want you to stay with me from now on, no matter what. Don’t.. turn inside yourself when you’re suffering, don’t shut me out. Turn to me, talk to me, please…talk to me.” When she finished, the tears were making a steady stream down her flushed cheeks.
He felt her sadness in his own heart and once again, he knew he was to blame for it. He used the pads of his thumbs to wipe away her tears and then cupped her face between his hands and responded honestly to her concerns, “Oh, Doc, please don’t cry… I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you by pulling away from you! I didn’t mean to make you feel rejected.. it’s just… sometimes… I don’t know what to do!” John stepped away from her and tried to explain himself. Running his hands through his hair, he continued, as he too felt tears begin to well up behind his eyes, “Everything just.. crashes in on me and it’s all so.. out of control. I want to let you in, Doc, but…half the time.. I can’t even think of something to say when somebody politely asks me how I’m doing because.. I’m so damn confused that I don’t even know! Everything is so… jumbled up inside my head… between the dreams, the flashbacks and the…” He stopped for a minute and glanced down toward the ground, sighing tiredly and then looked up again and spoke more quietly with an immense weariness in his tone. “To be honest..even when.. we’re together, I feel so..lost and alone sometimes, Marlena. It just..seems like maybe this nightmare is never gonna end.”
She nodded with understanding and made a move to cross the short distance between them. Taking his hands in hers, she said, “Oh… honey.. I know.. it’s been so hard to handle all the painful memories and the pressure that comes from so many directions, but I’m here for you. I am with you every step of the way and you can count on me. You are not alone, John… unless you shut yourself off from the people who love you.” Marlena and John stepped still closer, and embraced in the quiet solitude that surrounded them, content to be in each other’s arms, sharing a moment of honesty and mutual comfort. He kissed her lightly on the lips and said softly,
“Thank you, Marlena. I know you’re always there for me and I’ll.. try to open up more often with you.” As he thought back over the past few months, especially since the memory of sexual abuse surfaced, John remembered some of the reasoning behind his emotional withdrawal from his wife as well as his friends and family. “But there’s something else you need to know, it’s something I haven’t really told you about.” A hint of anger and frustration touched his voice as he continued to express himself, “The truth is, Doc.. I guess I’m tired of walking into a room and having the conversation stop because everybody’s afraid they’ll say something wrong and I’ll fall to pieces. Abe and Lexie, Bo and Hope, Shawn, Caroline, Mike, Laura, Carrie to some extent and even you. You all do it and I hate it! It makes me feel like a little kid who never gets included in the adult conversation because he.. “just wouldn’tunderstand.” That’s one of the main reasons why I’ve been holding things in so much these past couple of months. I don’t want people tofeel sorry for me.”
Marlena suddenly felt like a lightbulb went on in her head. Nodding her head as she drew her conclusion, “Of course you feel that way… Oh, John…that makes perfect sense to me. I’m sorry if we’ve all upset you by treating you that way. Everyone was trying to protect you, so we’ve been really careful about what was said around you. I guess maybe we should leave it up to you to decide whether something is upsetting or not, instead of trying to shield you so much.”
He nodded and smiled, saying firmly, “Exactly… let me decide.. something! I need to have some control in those situations because almost everything else in my life is so completely out of control.”
Marlena understood his need and indicated that understanding by making a commitment as she squeezed his hand again, “Allright… you’ve got it. From now on.. I promise there will be no overprotecting you. Can you promise me…no more covering your true feelings, no more withdrawing from me when the most painful times come?” She extended her right hand to signal that a handshake was in order and John hesitated briefly whilehe considered her request.
After a handful of seconds, he answered by shaking the extended hand and saying, “Well, you drive a hard bargain, Dr. Evans, but I guessI can commit to that..yes. I can’t promise that what I tell you is gonnamake any sense… but I’ll try to be more open about my…feelings and my memories and how they’re affecting me.”
After shaking hands, the couple held each other again foranother minute before starting to walk along the shoreline. There was a strange sound in the bushes and John reacted immediately, pullingMarlena close and ducking down low. “Marlena.. stay put, I’m going to go check this out, ” he said as he surveyed the area around them for any signs of movement. He crept over to the area from which he heard the noise, and then leaped through the brush and found nothing.
“Oh, well,it must have some kind of animal that we surprised. It’s long gone bynow, nothing to worry about, Doc, ” John said reassuringly, as he puta comforting arm around his wife. Taking one last good look around, John began to guide them along their way. His own protective instincts took over and he secretly wished they’d brought along the private security people, but since he hadn’t planned this little getaway, he couldn’t do that ahead of time. Though he hated the thought of their romantic time away being compromised, John made a mental note to callAbe and ask him to arrange it when they got back up to the cabin. Hewould feel better knowing Marlena was safe.
As their breathing slowed down and their hearts stopped beating so fast from the little scare, they resumed a nice leisurely pace for a walk along the lakeshore. Their observer laughed wickedly and said out loud as he watched them move slowly away from him, “That’s what you think, Black.. but you’re wrong. There is a lot to worry about. You think you’ve suffered already.. you haven’t seen anything yet. When Jack and Peter and the rest of them finish with you, you’re going to be wishing you never fired that gun at Dimera and that you never tried to recover your memories and get your past back, if you live through it, that is.”
Chapter 65
The Unforseen
The phone kept right on ringing, but nobody answered, as had been the case every time Commader Abraham Carver tried to reach John and Marlena for the past two hours. Replacing the receiver on the handset and standing up, he said frustratedly, “Bo.. they’re still not picking up. I’m starting to worry… where could they be?”
Bo had responded to that same question about five times now and was working hard at being the calm one in the face of Abe’s growing concern. Reassuringly, he answered yet again, “Abe.. they’re in a very beautiful setting, maybe they’re out for a walk, or.. just enjoying the privacy and don’t want to answer the phone. I’m sure they’re just fine, Abe.. try to relax a little.”
Abe was about at the end of his patience. He was tired and hungry and very concerned for John and Marlena’s future together. “Relax… you want me to relax… John has been accused of abducting your brother, whose whereabouts are still unknown. The DA thinks it’s an open and shut case and is breathing down our backs to find him and have him arrested for it, Peter Blake wants revenge on him, and a whole host of others want to drive him crazy and destroy his life. And then last night an innocent woman was murdered for trying to help John and you want me to relax.. I don’t think so!”
Bo could see that the strain was really wearing on his friend and commander and asked quietly, “Well, then… do you want to go up there? We’ll probably be interrupting them but if it’ll make you feel better, I’m game.” Abe sighed with the realization that he was reaching the limits of his own ability to stay calm in the face of all the pressure underwhich they all found themselves, but didn’t really want or need to ruintheir time together that way. “No… I’m just concerned for theirsafety, Bo and about how John’s doing.” Thinking back to the session with Laura and the memories of torture at Stefano’s hand that he fought on his own to regain and the pain John suffered as a result of recovering them, Abe added softly, “So much has happened to him…. these past few months…and now this thing about Roman. I’m worried about him, Bo, that’s all.”
Putting a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder, Bo agreed, “I know, so am I, Abe… but he’s getting what he needs right now.. sometime away with the woman he loves.. Listen.. why don’t we send a couple of men up there to keep an eye on them.. discreetly; that way their time together won’t be disrupted, but we can rest easier knowing they’re being protected.” Abe nodded and smiled knowingly, “Great idea; you know something,you’re getting pretty smart Bo Brady… I’ll do it right away.” Abepicked up the phone and within twenty minutes, two of the non uniformedsecurity personnel John had been using were on their way up themountain.
Back at the lakeside, John and Marlena were sitting near the bank…just watching the water, relaxing in each other’s arms. John leaned them back against a tree and felt himself relaxing into sleep. He felt safe and secure holding Marlena, and therefore allowed himselfthe luxury of resting. When he was sound asleep, Marlena slipped out of his warm embrace for a little while and took a meandering saunter up and down the banks of the lake, enjoying the peaceful setting. Unbeknownst to her, she was being very closely observed. When she wasabout twenty-five yards away from John’s sleeping form, she felt twovery strong arms surround her roughly. Recognizing instantly that itwasn’t her husband, she tried to scream for help, but before she could utter a sound, there was a moist handerchief over her face. Smelling that it was soaked with a substance which threatened to put her under,Marlena labored not to breathe it in, but lost the battle swiftly andher body went limp a few seconds later.
Those two strong arms then lifted and carried her unconscious body to the awaiting four wheel drivevehicle and within less than a minute she was gone from the area, having disappeared without a trace.
While John slept, three well trained men, undetected by each other, approached soundlessly from three different directions, all with very different agendas. The first one reached his side and pulled thesame maneuver on John as his cohort used on Marlena, placing a moistdrug laced cloth over the man’s face, holding it there and forcing himto breathe in the powerful substance. Still only half awake when the move was initiated, John couldn’t respond quickly enough to stave off the inevitable. After a few seconds of intense struggling, John too wasunconscious and lying down awkwardly on the ground at the base of the large tree, a ransom note left in his right hand by his assailant. The second man who was watching, waited for a moment longer and then raced to the prone figure, unobserved, or so he thought.
The third man followed every movement that the second one made,saying in his mind, “Jack was right… Dan’s selling us out.. the son of a bitch.. after everything we’ve done for him. I thought he had the stomach for it, and that he was loyal to the agency.” After staring angrily at one of his former co-workers for a moment longer and snappingsome damming close-up photos, he said, “Let him hang himself, that’swhat I always say,” the operative said quietly, as he turned and headed toward his vehicle.
After checking for a pulse, and watching the man’s breathing long enough to be satisfied that what was done was probably not life threatening, Dan moved in slowly and gently took the note from John’shand and started to read it…You thought there was nothing to worry about, but you were so wrongBlack. You should have been watching your back and your wife, a lotcloser. If you want her to be returned to all the people she loves..unharmed, you’ll go back to Salem immediately and turn yourself in for the abduction of Roman Brady. You are to make a general confession tothe crime and only after you’ve been convicted and imprisoned will we consider letting her go. You will be contacted by someone who will callhimself Richard Matthews. He will be your attorney and he will tellyou exactly what to say in your detailed confession and every time youare asked about the crime after that. You will learn to do exactly asyou are directed, or believe me, your wife will suffer for it.I hope you don’t delay; she has such a pretty face, the face of an angel, actually and that body… ooh.. baby, she’s one very sexy lady.Resisting temptation will be so.. difficult for me and the guys. Do you remember when we talked about this at the University… all thosemonths ago? You made a big mistake when you threatened me. Well, Ihaven’t forgotten it. I told you not to threaten me or my people; it’spayback time, John. I sure would hate to see anything happen to spoil her natural beauty or tarnish her in any way. Wouldn’t you? I still havemy knives from Nam…. Do exactly what you’re told, Black! Or you won’t even recognize her whenwe’re through with her!
Dan breathed out a long sigh of regret for what he had helped put into motion. Looking down at his sleeping friend, who had no idea what he was facing, Dan swore at himself, “Dammit! I know you won’tbelieve me, but I am sorrry, John.. so sorry for what I’ve done… I don’t know what to do about this one, I didn’t see it coming… It’s myfault they found you, I led them right to you. Dammit!”
He rose and began to pace…thinking back in time to some of those tense moments when he and his best buddy were both pacing back and forth across some hotel room, waiting for a phone call. Oh, John…I wish we could go back and do it over again. With great remorse heasked more questions… “How am I going to tell you everything I’vedone to hurt you? I blamed you for Sarah’s death for so long and then… at the end when you…. Oh, John… I’m sorry… so sorry for whatyou’ve been through all these years.. being taken and brainwashed by Stefano… all of it. I could have saved you… I could have stopped it, but I didn’t… And now.. your wife is a victim too. I wouldn’t blameyou if you want to kill me once you know the truth about everythingI’ve done.”
He suddenly heard a groan from behind him and he turned to see John struggling to rise from the ground, rubbing the drug inducedcobwebs from his eyes. “Oh, man… what happened,” he groaned. “My head… feels like it’s on fire.. aw…” It took several minutes for John to become fully aware of his surroundings and open his eyes enoughto see clearly. As he surveyed the area, still feeling groggy, John realizedthat the most important person in his life was nowhere to be seen and that a vaguely familiar face was only a few feet away from him. “Marlena… where’s Marlena?” he cried, turning anxiously around in a circle,searching for her. “And you… who are you?” he added, blinking severaltimes, hoping it would clear up his fuzzy vision.
“John… it’s Dan… believe it or not, I’m.. here to help you.They wanted me to kill you John, if things didn’t go down the way theyplanned.”
John’s face swiftly registered raging anger as he recognized thevoice and stared into the familiar face. “Why.. you son of a bitch!”he started to say before crossing the short distance between them atlightning speed. Grabbing the man firmly in his angry hands, he said threateningly, “I ought to kill you for what you did to me in that warehouse, you lousy bastard! Now.. where’s Marlena? If you.. hurt her.. If anybody even touches her, I swear it, I’ll kill you!” John’s stronghold on the man’s shirt collar was nearly choking his ex-friend, the fear of losing Marlena nearly overpowering to his senses. John could barely see straight, let alone think clearly when she was in serious danger.
Dan put his hands up on top of John’s, trying to get out of thehold, saying nervously, “John… I understand that you feel like you want to kill me, but you need to listen to me… I didn’t have anythingto do with this! John.. I was followed here; I.. wanted to warn you about what they had planned.” Dan could see and feel the disbelief andanger in John’s face and his fierce grip, but kept going, hoping his old friend would start to listen to his words of explanation, “Thepeople I was… working for… they must have figured out that I was going to tip you off and followed me.
They took her to force your hand,John; they left you a ransom note. It’s in my left jacket pocket, John… read it!”
He hesitated, wanting to get in a few good punches for what the man had done to him, but released Dan reluctantly and took the note, stepping a few feet toward the tree against which he had been sleepinga few minutes earlier. After the first few lines it was all he could do to remain standing.. the fear was so intense… “No…Oh, my God!. No! Oh, Doc… I told you I’d keep you safe.. but I didn’t! Oh..my God! They’ve got Marlena!” Holding his head in his hands, John leaned againstthe tree in a unsuccessful attempt to steady himself, but he couldn’tfight off the overwhelming sense of soul penetrating fear and despair.Slowly, he slid down the length of the large trunk until he was in a sitting position, and then stared at the note again. After reading it a few more times, he looked up and asked with heartbreaking innocence as the tears that had formed began to trickle down his cheeks, “Do youthink… they’ll really let her go if I.. do what they tell me?”
Dan didn’t know how to answer.. He didn’t think that Jack wouldhave her hurt.. but Peter.. he was a different story. “Oh, John…I don’t know… I didn’t think they’d take it this far… so I can’t sayfor sure. All I can tell you is that if you
don’t do what they say…you’ll probably never see or hear from her again.”
John sat there quietly immersed in the excruciating pain of separation and helpless fear about her safety… knowing that once again, something about him, about his *past* had put the life of the woman he loved in great danger. Nodding his head sadly, he cried out in thatbitter realization, “Oh God!! It’s all my fault… She keeps getting hurt because of me! No matter what I do… I can’t keep her safe, I can’tprotect her from pain, and I can’t give her the peace and happinessshe deserves! Dammit!”
John stood again, staring off into the cold distant hills thatonce looked so warmly inviting, then suddenly shouted out to her, “Doc!!Oh, Doc.. I LOVE YOU!! I’m gonna find you… I swear it! No matter how far… no matter how long it takes.. I will find you and bring you back someday.” Calming down ever so slightly, he peered into the heavens and prayed silently, ‘Oh, God, please keep her safe until I’ve done every-thing they want me to do.. and when I get out… please guide me to her.’
Dan felt worse about his actions with each passing second and guilty for leading his own people to find his old buddy. Apologetically,he said, “John..I’m really sorry, this is my fault. I had no idea that they were going to follow me up here, I swear it on my life! I thought I had them convinced that I was going to do what I was ordered to do, but I guess I was wrong. John, I was wrong about so many things.. I’m so sorry!” he said with total sincerity, feeling deep regret about hismistreatment of a very good man, who never deserved all the pain and suffering he experienced in his life.
At that point, John was so wrapped up in his own worrisome thoughts about Marlena that he couldn’t even hear his former friend talking or feel the anger about what the man had done to him. Lookinglost and forlorn, he gazed up sadly and asked one more difficult question.. “Dan.. these people you work for… what the guy said in the letter… do you think… they’ll.. touch her, do you think they might try to… r..r..” He stopped, not able to utter the word. Then he startedagain, his voice trembling with emotion, “Oh, God.. will they hurt her Dan?” he asked, fighting back tears, begging his worst fears to be unfounded.
Dan could see how it was tearing his old friend apart to evenhave those thoughts and ask the question out loud, and he wished he could tell John what he wanted to hear, but he couldn’t be sure. “Johnyou know I can’t really answer that. I.. don’t know.. it depends on exactly who watches her.. how long it goes on… how well the plan works. There are so many factors, John.. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you for sure that it won’t happen. I really wish I could.”
Again, there was dead silence and the air around them was filled with the gutwrenching agony in John’s quiet, tearful acceptance of thebrutal reality in which he found himself. Then the often deceptivepeace and serenity of nature was violently disrupted as John let outan ear piercing cry. “Oh, God!” It was a soul penetrating sound madeby a man who was heartbroken, utterly helpless to protect the woman he loved from suffering some horrible fate as the end result of his own problems.
After a long pause in which he sat back down and leaned against the tree, John folded his hands respectfully, lifted his head toward thesky once more and beseeched his Lord to meet his desperate request.”Please God.. keep her safe.. and if anybody has to suffer.. please… let it be me! LET IT BE ME!”
John then leaned over, cradled his head in his hands and allowed the pain to engulf him completely, weeping softly for several long moments. Then he abruptly stood up, viciously wiped a few wayward tearsfrom his face and sniffled a few times as he steeled himself for the lonely trip back to Salem without her. “We’re going back now… comeon,” he said to Dan, his eyes and his demanding tone, leaving the otherman no option but to go along.
John vowed to do everything he was ordered to do by her captors; he would take no risks with her safety. Marlena was worth any price,any sacrifice he had to make. Her safety was worth all the sufferingthat was ahead for him as he endured the humiliation and disgrace ofa highly publicized arrest, a probable conviction and the subsequentprison sentence for something he didn’t do. John loved Marlena with every ounce of his heart, mind, body, and soul and there wasn’t the slightest hesitation or a sliver of doubt about his decision. He would do anything for her, absolutely anything.
Chapter 66
Reading Between the Lines
The ride back into Salem was made in excruciatingly painful silence,that is except for the sound of John’s sometimes ragged breathing. He was overcome with emotion, though he struggled valiantly to contain it. All he could think of was Marlena at the mercy of her captors.. he wondered if they might harm her…. the threatening words of the note he’d received returning to his mind’s eye, over and over again. What if it weren’t just a threat, what if they really… ‘Oh.. Doc… I’m gonna come for you.. I swear it… as soon as I get past this… I’m going to find you… I’ll never give up! Never!’
Dan hated seeing him in such agony… he had to say something, though he knew there was nothing that would help at at a time like this. “John… I’m really sorry about all this… I hope you can find a way to forgive me for what I’ve done… I want to help you in any way I can… I hope you know I mean that….”
Angry didn’t begin to describe how John felt toward this man whom he used to call friend, in some far away past. Through harsh labored breaths, he spoke very slowly, fighting back the anger, “Dan…. I don’t… want.. to talk with you about this. It’s because of you that my wife was kidnapped… that she might be…” John stopped and shut his eyes to concentrate, working to force those violent images out of his mind. He simply had to stop himself from thinking that way. If he didn’t, the fear would consume him and if that happened he couldn’t think straight. John knew that he wouldn’t be able to help her, unless he had his wits about him at all times. Realizing that nothing he could say would make a bit of difference, Dan agreed, “I understand… I’ll just be quiet…”
“Thank you…. I’ve got to think.. to come up with a way to tip off Bo and Abe without giving myself away to that so-called attorney they’re setting me up with.. If you come up with something good, let me know…. otherwise… ” With a heavy sigh, Dan reinforced it again, “I’ve got it, John…. I’ll just keep my mouth shut.”
“Good… ” That was his last word on the subject as well. John spent the rest of the trip devising a strategy for alerting Abe and Bo as to the real reason for his confession, praying they would pick up on all the clues and help him find Marlena while he was locked up in jail, awaiting trial for yet another crime he didn’t commit.
As the car approached the part of the city where the Municipal Building, County Courthouse, and Police Department were located, Dan pulled over and parked the vehicle. “Well, this is it, John… I can’t be seen with you in public… I’m going to do everything I can to help you get out of this….by focusing on finding Roman…. He was starting to figure out what was happening to him when he was taken. I think he was being used, John. I’ll find a way to contact you when I know something concrete about the whole situation.”
John eyed him suspiciously, still not trusting him… Dan could still be part of the plan to send him down the river, for all he knew.
“Yea…. right, like I’m supposed to believe you… I don’t have any reason to trust you or Roman, Dan… You’ve been helping these people system-atically destroy my life for months… and now you expect me to believe you’ve had a sudden attack of conscience and want to help me put it back together? Sure… old pal!” he said, the anger flaring swiftly, his finger poking hard at the man’s chest.
Dan understood his former friend’s reluctance to believe and replied with vigor, “John… I swear it! When they told me to take you out… I started thinking back on everything. I remembered how close we were…. what you did to save Sarah’s life… and how I blamed you for her death. John, I realized that it wasn’t your fault… I made a terrible mistake… I let the grief cloud my thinking and I hurt you… Listen…if I tell you everything I did.. would that help you believe me? I’m willing to confess everything to you… and risk going to jail when this thing is all over… just to prove I’m telling the truth. I want to try to make up for what I did to you somehow… if I can.” The man was filled with guilt… that was one emotion with which John was quite familiar and he recognized it in others. “Make it up to me…. tell me everything? Just what exactly did you do, Dan?” he asked with some curiosity, having no idea of the scope of the man’s betrayal.
That took Dan by surprise; his old friend truly had no memory of it. The organization told him John had suffered serious memory loss, but somehow he never quite believed it could be so complete. No wonder the agency wanted to watch what happened afterward so closely; they were studying Stefano’s methods, his technique. They wanted to learn from his experiment in brainwashing and mind control.. “Well, I.. uh.. Oh, man… maybe I should wait… it’s a lot to handle all at once, with everything else…” Dan stammered, realizing what a shock it was going to be for John.
It was like a lightbulb coming on inside his head… the answerwas right there as the memory of his captivity with Stefano returned… As John recalled the feeling of utter helplessness in the face of unimaginable pain, the rage began to build, his breathing quickening in time with the rise in blood pressure and heart rate, “Oh.. my God… you were the one.. who…gave me away… you blew my cover with Dimera… didn’t you? You were the one…. who let him… take me, and hold me hostage…. You KNEW what he was doing to me… didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU, DAN!!” he shouted out with murderous fury.
The sense of shame was overwhelming…. and all Dan could manage was a slight nod of the head, followed by a soft whisper, “Yes… it was me… I handed you over to him like a lamb for the slaughter…”
If he were ever going to kill someone with his bare hands, this was the moment in time. John couldn’t remember ever feeling such uncontrollable rage, and the sense of betrayal was unbearable. To think that someone who had once been his closest friend could knowingly allow him to be subjected to such torture… such agony… was utterly incomprehensible to him. “Oh…God!”
The sense of sickened horror over what he’d endured made it nearly impossible to speak, but John knew he had to express it verbally or he might indeed choke the man to death. His voice tremulous with the power of raw emotions, John shared his gut reaction, “Oh… God… I trusted you! I PROTECTED YOU!! I protected everybody… He wanted names, Dan…He was.. torturing me… he had his people.. cut me… he drugged me and he beat me… day after day.. after day… and I took it all… in the name of honor.. for my fellow agents… for my COUNTRY!! And you knew… you ALL KNEW!!” The adrenaline surged throughout his entire body… and he needed to break something, to crush something between his hands. Hesuddenly grabbed the man in the driver’s seat by the collar of his shirt,his fists clenched tightly on the cotton material, wishing he had the nerve to choke the life out of the bastard who was every bit as responsiblefor his pain as Stefano himself. “I ought to KILL you, right now!!” he said through clenched teeth, full of the formerly buried rage that wasbegging to be acted upon.
Dan didn’t struggle, allowing John to work through the intensityof his reaction to the news in silence, wondering if John might actuallykill in such a state. He’d seen the man vehemently angry, but this was different. Finally, Dan spoke to him, validating the emotional response,”John… I know you want kill me… I wouldn’t blame you… What I didto you was the worst kind of betrayal there can be in this world… you trusted me…and I gave you over to the enemy… I know that I deserve todie for that… but.. if you let me help you first… I’ll turn myself in when it’s over. I’ll go on record and tell the world what we all did… what the agency did to you and Roman… It’ll be in all the papers and the government won’t be able to sweep it under the rug… Everybody that was involved who is still alive will go to jail, John…. I know everything, and I kept records they don’t know about.”
It was all so incredible… Everything he had endured at thehands of Stefano Dimera was part of some grand design. Dan had blown his cover, purposely, and Stefano had taken him, hoping to learn the namesof all the European operatives… and then planned to use John toaccomplish various tasks. Once the agencies found out what his captor was doing with the mind control, they sat back and watched the events unfold. He was considered completely expendable, a casualty of war so to speak,and they were going to learn about the latest techniques from the masterhimself. And, then when it was over… when Roman returned, they simplyleft John twisting in the wind, when they could have helped him recoverhis unremembered past. Dan knew that what they had done to John Black was cruel and heartless, and totally unforgivable. And, that wasn’t even allof it.
John couldn’t speak; there were no words that could embody the overpowering emotions he was experiencing. The memories of his suffering,both physical and emotional were right there on the surface now. Instinctively, his body alternately wanted to explode with violence, or weep with despair, but the tears wouldn’t come. This pain went even deeper than that; it went all the way to his soul, and his already wounded spiritwas crushed. Hating to do it, but knowing he needed help from someone whoknew the whole story, John released his ex-friend from his fierce grip.
After several long minutes, his breathing finally settling down a bit, John leaned back on the seat and closed his eyes, fighting back tears born of a swirling maelstrom of raw emotion. He ached to be withMarlena, to be surrounded by her tender loving arms. If he could just…look into her empathetic eyes, he knew she could make it allrightsomehow, but now… she was caught up in it too, and they were separated.
‘Oh… I need you so much, Doc… I wish you were here.. that I could hold you… I wish we could get through all this together!’ It was all for nothing! He’d sacrificed so much, and they didn’t care about any of it, they just wanted to know if the brainwashing were successful and how long it would last, how much control the evil mastermind could exert over his victim. They were still studying Stefano’s methods of achieving and maintaining the near total memory loss John suffered, by way of informationobtained from various sources throughout the years. There was an open file on John Black at both the ISA and the CIA…
.Chapter 66, part 2
Abe was getting worried; they hadn’t heard from the two men who were supposed to go to the cabin, nor had John and Marlena checked in. Something was wrong… terribly wrong.. Suddenly, his attention was directed to the television by Bo’s excited voice, “Look, Abe… there’s John! He’s out front!” exclaimed Bo in complete confusion about what was taking place, having happened to flip on the television a few moments earlier.
“Yea… but where’s Marlena?” Abe commented, scanning the screen, searching the crowd that was gathered around their friend.
John was on the front lawn of the Salem Police Department, surrounded by an unexpected onslaught of media…. asking him all kinds of questions about Roman’s disappearance. Standing next to him was a man who looked somehow vaguely familiar, but no, and the man was acting as John’s spokesperson. “Mr. Black has no formal statement at this time. All I can say is that he has come to make a full confession for the crime of kidnapping. His conscience wouldn’t allow him to go on without being honest about his involvement with what happened to Roman Brady. Now, if you’ll excuse us… we have business to attend to inside the police station.”
Studying the image on the screen intently, Bo pointed and said firmly, “Look at him Abe… he’s dying inside… and where’s Marlena… they didn’t even mention her… Something’s gone wrong… I *know* he didn’t do it… I’d stake my life on it, Abe!”
Abe was nodding, his mind working quickly to determine the motivation, “Me too… but he’s doing it to protect Marlena… that’s the only explanation for this action that makes any sense at all. Something must have happened to her.”
“Yea… and who is that guy representing him? John’s being forced to do this, I know he is…. We’ve just got to find a way to prove it.”
A short time later, they were standing just inside the front doors, in the lobby area, where the object of attention was still fighting off the media. Slowly, they made their way toward John and his new attorney. Abe and Bo were too stunned to offer much of a greeting, anxious to hear what John had to say to them.
When they were standing face to face, John took a deep breath and then began to take the only action he could. With an aching heart and sadness in his voice, he started in, “This is my attorney.. his name’s Richard Matthews… I want to confess, Abe… I did it…. and I can’t lie to you anymore… I *was* there… on the pier that night… I was SO angry…and frustrated with everything that had happened… I… wanted him to pay for the pain he caused me.. I wanted Roman to hurt too.. I wanted him to suffer…..like he made me suffer!” Those weren’t all lies… but it definitely wasn’t the whole truth either.. and he hoped they’d pick up on it. Abe was adamant in his reply, his faith in John steadfast, “Stop it, John.. stop telling me this… I don’t believe a word of it!”
Bo’s response wasn’t much different, “Neither do I, John…. stop lying to us! We know something happened today. Now, why don’t you tell us the truth… Where’s Marlena?” Their belief in him was unfailing and he was touched; he tried to acknowledge what that meant to him, nonverbally, without being seen.
John stole a quick anxious glance toward the attorney he’d been coerced into working with, wondering if there were an acceptable answer to that question. And then the fear for her safety hit hard and fast, and he made a soft sound of distress, one that would have hardly been noticeable, except that these were his two closest friends. “John.. where is Marlena?” Abe asked more insistently, beginning to get the picture his best friend was painting for him.
Immersing himself in the genuine terror he was experiencing regarding her safety, John’s lips quivered and his voice trembled as he labored to give them a believable response, “She uh… she left me…. When I told her what I’d done… she said that.. she didn’t know me anymore…. that she couldn’t.. stay with a man who could do something like that… I don’t know where she went…” John dropped his head in shame… hoping they could figure out that it was a complete fabrication and that she’d been taken from him.
Abe was hurting for his best friend, now that he knew the truth for certain. It was as he suspected; John was being forced to confess, in order to ensure Marlena’s safety. It had to be killing him… Abe vowed to do everything he could to find her, but first things first… to carry on with the act. With increasing volume and feigned anger, Abe said, “Oh.. John… how could you do it? I know you were hurting.. and that you blamed Roman.. but to.. kidnap him..” Shaking his head in disdain, he said, “You lied to us, John… You stood there in the middle of your living room and told us all a bold faced lie… Where is he now? Tell us, John… so we can bring him home to his family.”
That one he could answer truthfully, “I don’t know.” Then he embellished it, telling Abe his suspicions about the situation which he believed was related directly to Marlena’s disappearance. “The people who helped me… they told me last night that he got away… he’s on the run somewhere.. probably thinking that his cover’s been blown. He had no idea it was me.. I made sure of that.”
So… they knew he wasn’t telling them the truth… There had been no dramatic scene in the Penthouse… that was the clue… the sham of an attorney he was with had no way of knowing whether it was true or not. “Dammit, John! I can hardly believe this is happening.. I have known and trusted you for so long.. to think that you could do something like this… it just… it tears me up inside. I can’t help you, John… I think you know that… it’s over… you’re going to prison for this. The best you can hope for is to plead for leniancy because of all the difficult and painful experiences you’ve been through lately.” John nodded to let them know he realized the consequences of his decision and that he had to go forward because he literally had no other options, “I realize… there’s nothing anyone can do for me right now. I just knew that this was the only way I would ever find any true peace. I’m making the only choice I have. I hope some day you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I’ve done.”
Sighing wearily, Bo, who had been conspicuously silent to thispoint, stepped up close and said angrily, “You have a hell of a nerve… you kidnap my brother and then you lie through your teeth about it…playing the victim… You’ve gotten so damn good at that, John… and now you’re all contrite… asking for our forgiveness…. Well, you can just go to hell, John Black! I’ll never forgive you for what you’ve done!” Bo hauled off and slugged John full in the face, knocking him backward into the arms of the uniformed cop; it was a move Bo and his adoptive brother cooked up without ever saying a word to each other about it. That was the coup de grace and it worked like a charm… the media eating it up, snapping a multitude of close-up shots of the stream of bright red blood trickling down from John’s nose toward his lips, John’s guilt and his erstwhile brother’s ire so perfectly illustrated with a photograph.
The attorney bought the act hook, line and sinker. Handing his client a handkerchief, he said… “I want that man removed from this situation.. he is obviously out of control and I don’t want him anywhere near my client!” the man said indignantly. If he hadn’t been so dazed by the powerful blow, John might have been able to appreciate how well the three of them worked together under very tense conditons.
Then came the words he’d hoped never to have to hear again, “John Black… you are under arrest… for the crime of kidnapping… You have the right to….” He shut his eyes and his mind tuned out the rest of the miranda statement, but his heart felt the pain… and he had the urge to run….. not to face days, weeks, months… confined in a small jail cell. It was agony to contemplate being locked up again and he found himself fighting the flood of emotion that wanted to be expressed. ‘No.. no.. I don’t want to be behind bars again… DOC!’ his spirit cried. ‘Oh Doc… but I’ll do it for you…. I’d do anything for you… I sure hope you know that.. wherever you are.. I love you so much!’ The pain of separation was unbearable and now… to be locked up, helpless to do anything to find her.. that was as bad as it could ever get for John Black. ‘I swear it… somehow… I’m gonna get out of this and I’m going to find you and bring you home.” As they left him alone in his cell, John slumped down onto the lonely cot, languishing in the pain of being apart, the fear of never seeing her again taking ahold of his heart. When he regained a modicum of emotional control, his first thoughts were to turn to his Lord for help, ‘Please God… keep her safe…. that’s all I ask of you… just keep her safe for me!’
Chapter 67
In All the Old Familiar Places
He’d forgotten how damp, dark and cold a jail cell was, and how easy it was to confuse night and day when confined to such a small place that had no windows. Lying there on the battered old cot without even a sheet to cover him up, a chill came over him as he thought of Aremid and Maison Blanche… he’d been imprisoned so many times for a man who committed no real crimes, and it was frightening to think that this time, he was probably going to be given a long sentence. Fighting off the despair that resulted from those thoughts, not to mention the idea of being separated from the woman he loved, John stood up and gave himself a pep talk, ‘No, John… come on… keep it together… you can’t think that way… Abe and Bo will find Roman and they’ll spring me… I know they will and then we’ll go find Doc… and we’ll take these monsters down for what they’ve done to all of us.’
That was a solemn vow – someone had to pay for what they suffered.If it couldn’t be Stefano, then so be it. The people who betrayed him were every bit as responsible for stealing his life away as that sick bastard ever was. In fact, their behavior was worse… at least Stefano had never pretended to be anything but the monster he was. The people John worked for led him to believe they had honorable intentions, that he was making sacrifices and risking his life with every mission, on behalf of the citizens of the USA and the world at large. What a crock! The more he thought about it, the more the anger burned inside him… and now… Marlena was unwittingly caught up in it… AGAIN.. Just like Stockholm. Dammit!
Pulling out a wallet sized picture of his wife and children, he spoke to her as if she were there with him, “I swear it, Doc, I’m going to find you and bring you home… and then……they’re going to pay… they are ALL going to pay for what they’ve put us through… I’m not just gonna walk away this time!”
“You’re right, John… they *are* going to pay and we’re going to help you make it happen,” said a familiar voice. It was 4:00 AM when he heard a noise and looked up to see his best friend and his unofficial adoptive brother walking toward him. Sitting up, he whispered an admonishment, “What are you doing here… you can’t be seen talking to me… that’ll blow everything and put Marlena in more danger… Get out of here… there’s nothing you can do to help me right now, so why don’t you focus on finding Roman?”
Abe reassured him, saying with a knowing smile, “Relax, buddy, we’re all set here… We fixed it so that no one else was around. We just came down to make sure you knew that we both picked up on what you were trying to tell us earlier tonight and we’re going to find Roman. Once we find him, we’ll get you out of here, and help you get Marlena back and then….we’ll all take these sick people down for everything they’ve done to you.”
John was nodding, feeling very thankful for the kind of friend-ships he’d developed over the years with these two men, who were now closer than brothers, the strength of the ties between the three of them increasing with each difficult circumstance they faced together. “Okay…. thanks you guys… I can’t really tell you how much this means…”
“John, you don’t have to keep thanking us. We’re your friends and we’re in this thing all the way, no matter where it takes you. You should know that by now, buddy,” said Abe without hesitation.
“Yea, bro… we know you’d do the same for us.. so forget about all that. And, John.. we *are* going to get her back.” John nodded, feeling suddenly much more confidant of that eventuality now that he’d heard his two best friends say it as well.
She awakened in a dark room, her mind filled with confusing images, sounds, and smells. The journey had been long, that was all she knew. There were parts of several different conversations in her memory, “We have to keep her isolated; she can’t know who we are or why we have her….”
“Black is doing exactly what we told him… looks like he’s going down for Brady’s kidnapping… We’re home free, unless Roman manages to break through the barriers to figure it all out and somehow get to his brother and his friend Carver. If that happens, we’re history.”
“No… Black is alone in this thing… Brady’s on ice, his younger brother slugged Black but good and Carver cut all ties…. Now, all we have to do is wait for the judge to pronounce sentence and it’s a done deal. John Black is no longer a threat to our operations… If he ever does get his memories back, no one will believe his story.”
When she finally came to full awareness, she was focused on helping the man she loved. “Oh, John… no, I can’t let you go to prison… Dear God… I have to find a way to help him… help me to get away and make my way back to Salem so I can help John.” Now, if only she knew where she were being held…
His head was throbbing with pain, he was so tired and the hunger in his gut was fierce, but Roman Brady knew he had to keep going. He had to get to Abe and Bo or his life, John’s entire future, and Marlena’s safety were all at stake. ‘Come on Brady.. you’re tougher than this… keep moving… you just have to keep going. It’s only a few more miles…. come on!’ he encouraged himself. Roman knew that he was being held at an old farmhouse outside of town… a familiar setting… he thought, remembering the Lafferty place. ‘I wonder if…Of course!’ he concluded as the explanation was right there on the surface. ‘Peter Blake… Why didn’t I think of that the first time I started to break through the barriers the agency placed in my mind? Of course… Peter must have been in on this thing from the very beginning! Yes… that’s it! He blames John for his father’s death and he vowed to take revenge, and he didn’t care who else got hurt along the way. Now, it all makes so much more sense… he was funding the whole thing; he bought off someone at the agency who didn’t want John to remember… ‘
Well, he was sure exacting it now… Marlena was being held captive, God only knew where, John’s businesses and indeed his entire life were in a complete shambles, and he was currently in jail for crime committed by his own government, also a familiar situation…
Roman thought back on his career as an international agent, recalling the Stockholm incident, as John had. Those damn bonds! It left him wondering why he’d ever wanted to work for the ISA. They expected total loyalty from their operatives and yet their own sense of duty and honor left much to be desired, to say the least.
This time, Roman Brady vowed to expose the coruption… telling the press corp everything he now knew to be true.
It was slowly coming back to him…he’d discovered a portion of the John Black files by sheer accident while doing research on another old case. What he read made him physically ill at the time… he tried to make copies of what he could and get out of the archived records section without being seen, and thought he had been successful in his endeavors. However, he’d been observed and in his mind it was shortly after that when he’d begun having those intense headaches whenever he tried to think rationally about John Black and the relationship he had with one beautiful lady, Marlena Evans. Now, Roman knew why… he’d been brainwashed… using his bitter resentment about the affair, which he’d begun to work through by that time, almost two years after the fact. They used that anger and associated pictures of John with a myriad of dark images which stimulated the emotions of jealousy and rage. By the time they were finished with him, just a vague image of the man or the sound of his tape recorded voice send Roman into a nearly murderous fury. Then, they buried those assosciations so that the powerful emotions were there but fairly well hidden. It allowed Roman to act in ways that made it appear as though he were in control. When rational thought tried to enter his mind to counteract the jealousy and anger, the headaches came, forcing the more logical and realistic emotions out of his head.
It had almost been the foolproof plan to ruin both men’s lives once and for all, but they didn’t count on John’s incredible emotional stamina or Marlena’s steadfast ability to be supportive in the face of the brutal pressure on the couple and their marriage and family. They also under estimated John’s friends and their unshakable faith in him, and Roman’s ability to fight through the brainwashing and begin to recoverbits and pieces of what had happened to him as well. The small group of CIA and military personnel, as well as the ISA people who worked him over had made some significant errors in judgement and tactics in regard to both men, and Roman Brady believed they were about to start paying for them, a thought which brought a much needed smile to his face.
Bo and Abe had been up all night, studying all the evidence against John Black, pretending they were going to make the arrest stick, no matter the lame ploy made by the man’s defense attorney. They had to make it appear as though they were working to cement the case against him, though he’d confessed. Bo had made several comments about the idea that John could get off with a lesser charge, and he wanted to ensure that didn’t happen, so he was going to pour over the evidence again and again until he knew it inside and out. “Bo… I found something! Abe said excitedly…
“Check this out…” he exclaimed, holding up a piece of paper he’d found in an envelope with no writing on the front to indicate its contents.
“That’s Roman’s handwriting. Abe, this is it… it’s the clue we were looking for! I can’t believe it… he must have figured out they were trying to frame John for it even while they were taking him. Man… I can’t believe this…”
“Bo… are you thinking what I’m thinking?” asked Abe, almost afraid to share his conclusion, believing it would sound strange and farfetched. “The farmhouse? I thought that place was gone long ago…do you think it’s possible?” asked, Bo, following his partner’s line of thinking. “Yea… but there was another house that went up there awhile back… you don’t think that….”
“Peter Blake!” they both said at the same time…Then Abe came to his senses, arguing the point…. “No.. come on.. that’d be…”
Bo finished the sentence for his superior officer, saying, “Just like him, Abe… you know that’s how they think. Hide in plain sight… the familiar, the impossible… that was always Stefano’s way of doing things.. He loved the thrill of the chase, the excitement of getting away with something right under our noses, and it looks like Peter has acquired that tendency as well.”
They looked at each other and knew what they had to do… withinseconds they were standing outside John’s jail cell again, holding the same piece of evidence. After waiting as long as he could stand it, Bo nearly demanded to know John’s conclusion, “So… come on, John…. tellus what you’re thinking!”
“I’m thinking… Roman knew at least some of what was happeningwhen he was taken… and he tried to tip us off to it.. so, he left this note with a couple of symbols on it. I know this is going to sound really crazy, but… it makes me think of.. the Lafferty farmhouse… I know itburned down.. but still…..” he said, pausing to look up into their eyes to read their expressions.
“See, Abe… ” Bo said, turning toward his partner who nodded but didn’t say anything. “John, that was exactly what I said… There was a new place built about six months ago.. I think that’s where they’re holding him… we have to get out there and check it out… we’ll see youas soon as we have something to tell you.”
“Be careful… I need you guys… I’m countin’ on you to get me out of here… okay?”
Bo was in an upbeat mood, since they’d gotten their first real lead and it appeared as though his brother was forced into some of the behaviors they’d witnessed. “Yea, yea… yea.. we’ll see you later, andhopefully, we’ll have some good news when we get back.”
“Yea… let’s hope so.. or I’m going to be looking at four wallsjust like this for a very long time…” John said, waving a hand around his current abode. “No way, Bro… that’s not going to happen!” Bo said convincingly.Noticing as the light shined on his adoptive brother’s face at just theproper angle that John’s cheek and right eye were swollen and beginningto turn a nasty shade of yellow and purple, he said softly,
“Listen…I’m sorry about… hitting you so hard… I was… trying to make it seem real.”
John sighed, rubbing the spot high on his cheek bone. It still smarted, but that was a small price to pay for his eventual freedom and Marlena’s. “Mmm… yea… you did a good job of it,” he said with grimace as it suddenly reminded him it was there.. “It’s okay… I can take a punch… you were convincing… that’s for sure… My so-called attorneybought the whole thing.”
“That’s what I was banking on… I just couldn’t give you much warning.. sorry.” “I said it’s okay little brother… Now, go on… get out of hereand find Roman… I don’t like sitting around here when Doc’s out theresomewhere… alone and scared, waiting for us to come rescue her.”
Abe understood and he tried to help his friend keep the faith bysounding positive himself, “John… we’re going to find her… we will.” Another worried sigh escaped his lips before John responded verbally, “Yea… I know… It’s just..I swore I’d protect her, you know…that I’d never let anything like this happen to her again.. and I… miss her.. I really miss her,” he finished, his voice trembling slightly as heimagined a long separation.
“I know you do, buddy… but we’re going to get her back… soon,real soon. Try to believe that..” Abe said, giving his buddy’s shoulder a quick squeeze of encouragement.
John only nodded at first, feeling a little choked up as an image came to mind, one of her lying on some bed, locked up… not knowing whatcame next, crying for him to save her. “Yea… I’ll try..” he mutteredand then continued after they left. “Oh… Doc… I wish… Oh, I’m just… so sorry you got caught up in this mess with my past, I should have… been on guard the whole time.. I never should have let myself fall asleep that way… ” he was saying as he looked at her picture again. “Please God… don’t let them hurt her… and be with Bo and Abe tonight… help them find Roman so we can all go looking for Marlena… keep themall safe, God.” Soon, John found his eyelids growing weary and he driftedoff to a restless sleep, dreaming of happier times to come, when the pastwas fully exposed, the people responsible for his problems punished, andhis life back on track again. His mind needed to complete the puzzle andmove forward with his friends and family. That was all he wanted fromthe very beginning was to fit all the pieces together into one cohesivelife so that he could let go of the questions that plagued him for so many years. Once he did that, his focus could be on the long and happy life he was going to live with the woman he loved from almost the very first moment he laid eyes on her in Salem University Hospital, going ontwelve years ago now.
Two hours later, Abe and Bo were on the road headed out of town toward the farmhouse when they spotted a lone figure struggling to remainupright. Abe was driving and he flashed his headlights… sure enough itwas a man staggering through the thistles and tall weeds that covered the countryside. “Bo.. look!”
“Abe… stop the car… that’s my brother.. I swear it’s Roman!” It was all he could do to stay seated as the car rolled to a fast stop onthe shoulder of the state highway. Both men freed themselves of theirsafety belts and raced to the man’s side, pleased to look into the eyesof the man for whom they were searching so desperately.
Roman sighed with relief as he looked up and saw the two faces he most wanted to see besides that of his beautiful ex-wife. “Bo… Abe… thank God… I’ve got so much…. to tell you..” That was all he couldmanage to say before he collapsed from the pain as well as sheerexhaustion. He had been on the run for hours, no food in his belly, noteven water in his system for at least twelve hours. However, the powerfuldrugs were wearing off and his mind was becoming clearer as time passed, so that when he awakened, he would be capable of telling them everything he knew about the John Black Files and the plan to keep John from everrecovering his memories
Chapter 68
What To Believe
The bulk of the Brady family gathered upstairs at the Pub, speaking in disbelief as they watched the tape of the late night news broadcast, the one that showcased John’s confession to the Press outside the Salem PD. ” I don’t care what they’re saying.. John didn’t kidnap Roman. There’s no one that can be making me believe that of our John… No, something must be terrible wrong!” declared Shawn Brady forcefully, just before hushing everyone to hear it again. They all stared at the screen aghast at what John was saying to his best friend and the man he called brother. Somehow the press had sneaked someone inside and whoever got the footage dealt quickly. “This is my attorney.. his name’s Richard Matthews… I want to confess, Abe… I did it…. and I can’t lie to you anymore… I *was* there… on the pier that night… I was SO angry…and frustrated with everything that had happened… I… wanted him to pay for the pain he caused me.. I wanted Roman to hurt too.. I wanted him to suffer…..like he made me suffer!” John was saying with anger on his face. However, if one knew the man well and looked closely, something didn’t seem right about it. Abe was adamant in his reply, his faith in John clearly steadfast, “Stop it, John.. stop telling me this… I don’t believe a word of it!”
Bo’s response wasn’t much different, “Neither do I, John…. stop lying to us! We know something happened today. Now, why don’t you tell us the truth… Where’s Marlena?”
John stole a quick anxious glance toward the attorney he’d been coerced into working with, wondering if there were an acceptable answer to that question. And then the fear for her safety hit hard and fast, and he made a soft sound of distress, one that would have hardly been noticeable, except that these were his two closest friends. “John.. where is Marlena?” Abe asked more insistently. The Brady’s watched intently and then they all knew for certain from the pain in the man’s eyes as he answered.
John’s lips quivered and his voice trembled as he labored to give them a believable response, “She uh… she left me…. When I told her what I’d done… she said that.. she didn’t know me anymore…. that she couldn’t.. stay with a man who could do something like that… I don’t know where she went…” John dropped his head, as if in shame…
With increasing volume, Abe replied angrily, making the onlookers wonder about what he truly believed, “Oh.. John… how could you do it? I know you were hurting.. and that you blamed Roman.. but to.. kidnap him..” Shaking his head in disdain, he said, “You lied to us, John… You stood there in the middle of your living room and told us all a bold faced lie… Where is he now? Tell us, John… so we can bring him home to his family.”
John didn’t hesitate to answer that one, “I don’t know.” Then he embellished it, “The people who helped me… they told me last night that he got away… he’s on the run somewhere.. probably thinking that his cover’s been blown. He had no idea it was me.. I made sure of that.”
Now, Abe was burning mad and hurt too, or so it certainly seemed at face value, “Dammit, John! I can hardly believe this is happening.. I have known and trusted you for so long.. to think that you could do something like this… it just… it tears me up inside. I can’t help you, John… I think you know that… it’s over… you’re going to prison for this. The best you can hope for is to plead for leniancy because of all the difficult and painful experiences you’ve been through lately. I’m sorry.” Turning to a uniformed policeman, Abe then said with a voice filled with mixed emotions, “Cuff him, read him his rights, and bring him inside.. for interrogation.” John put his hands behind his back in the proper position and the young officer complied instantly.
Kayla would never believe that John would even come close to commiting such a crime, “Pop is right… I know he’s innocent. John would never do something like that.. Marlena isn’t there with him and I’d be willing to bet, something must have happened to her and he’s being forced to do this to ensure her safety. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.”
Her niece Sami came on equally strong, from the opposite point of view, wondering if John really were capable of such an act. He’d been so upset about what happened in the warehouse, and frustrated by not having been able to prove who was there. “Kayla.. you don’t know that and you haven’t been here until recently. So many things have happened to John this year…. and he’s been so angry at Daddy… Maybe he couldn’t take the pressure anymore.. Maybe he did do it and Mom left him when he told her.. just like he said.”
That made everyone stop to think… and then Kim, who had recently come to town for a visit, but was thankful she could be there to support her parents as well as John and all the children affected by the crisis, offerred a suggestion that might call her conjecture into question, “Sami… if that were true, Marlena probably would have contacted someone… Has anyone heard from her today?”
Heads were shaking all around… no one had heard a word. They got busy and called around town… to Maggie and Mickey’s, to Alice’s, the hospital, her cell phone, her beeper number, the Penthouse…. She wasn’t anywhere to be found. Following all of that activity, Caroline Brady was the one who summed up the situation they were facing, “Well, I guess we can rest assured that John didn’t kidnap Roman… someone else did, and that Marlena didn’t leave John. Unfortunately, what that also means is that John is being forced to confess to something he didn’t do in order to ensure Marlena’s safety from whomever might have taken her, and Roman is still out there somewhere being held against his will too.” That left everyone bereft of anything else to say. All they could do now was wait and hope for some good news to come along.
Dr. Michael Horton breathed a sigh of relief as he slowly walked down the hallway headed for his office. It was a relatively quiet night in the ER… thank goodness. Things had been rather rough lately, both work wise and in terms of the emotional climate, what with all of John and Marlena’s trevails. ‘At last there was one easy shift,’ Mike was thinking as he rounded the corner, only to run smack dab into a crying Carrie Reed. With the wind nearly knocked out of him, Mike managed to eek out a greeting, “Carrie… hey, what’s going on?” She was quite distraught, trying to talk to him between anguished sobs, “Oh, Mike… it’s terrible.. John just….. he was on television just now…. He… Oh, Mike he confessed to kidnapping my father!”
Shaking his head, Mike negated it immediately, “No.. come on… John wouldn’t do something like that… Carrie you know him… ”
She was so upset and his heart went out to her as she tried to express her feelings about it, “Oh, I don’t know…what I believe anymore, Mike! He was so… tired… so..sad looking. Mike, I wonder if the pressure has finally gotten to him and the only person he knew to strike out at was my father… I mean, he still says Roman was the one who beathim up and drugged him, then left him in that warehouse.”
Carrie…. listen to me. I know John’s been angry about that and so frustrated, even traumatized by all the painful memories he’s been recovering, but to kidnap Roman…. That’s so unlike him… I don’t know…. Was Marlena there… what did she have to say about all this?”
“Gosh, Mike… I didn’t think of that right away… I can’t even believe it… Let’s go watch the report again… maybe she was in the background shots or something.”
After rushing into the lounge to find a TV, they were pleased to see that the news bulletin was being rebroadcast. It was that same reporter, from the last reported scandle, “Once again, we are here in front the Salem Police Department, reporting live. There has been a shocking development in the bizarre story of a man’s life spinning out of control. As you know, John Black has been experiencing some great personal difficulties, reportedly struggling with drug abuse and emotional problems as a result of some recently recovered traumatic memories.
Tonight, his situation has gone from bad to worse. Just a short time ago, he stood in this exact spot and confessed to being responsible for Roman Brady’s kidnapping. This is indeed a sad day for the Brady family… their natural son missing, the one they’ve unofficially adopted in jail for that crime. As of yet, we have been unable to get a comment from anyone in an official capacity, however, in just one moment… we will have a housekeeping worker that witnessed the interchange between John Black, Commander Abe Carver and Bo Brady.”
“No, I can’t believe this is true! John wouldn’t do something like that, I know he didn’t do it!” said Lexie in a voice full of emotion, as she too entered the lounge to take a peek at the news. She knew that Roman had lied to them about his whereabouts and the timing of flights and assigments. She’d been prepared to let Bo, Abe and John know the results when everything went haywire.
First Carrie was speaking in response to Mike’s earlier comments, “You were right Mike, Marlena’s not there… something must be wrong! And then she turned to Lexie and followed up on what she’d just exclaimed so confidently, “How, Lexie… how do you know? How can you be so certain?”asked Carrie, wanting facts to confirm her steadfast faith in the secondman she loved as a father..
“Well, besides the fact that John was at the Penthouse for most of that night and didn’t have time to pull it off, I was doing some hecking on Roman… I’m sorry Carrie, but he lied about some things… He could very well have been in Salem at the time John was abducted, beaten up and drugged. I think he was there in the warehouse, just as John said.”
As she said it…the logical conclusion the police would draw if they learned of it came to mind, and Carrie voiced her worry for John’s well being. “Oh Lexie… that’s horrible, but it only confirms John’s motive to kidnap Roman… don’t let anyone know you have that information unless you have to, promise me!” Carrie insisted passionately. At the same time as she was concerned for John, she was also worried about what that meant in terms of her father’s situation.
“Yes… I promise….. and I understand, really I do. I care about John very much and I don’t for one second believe he would do something like this, no matter how much he suffered, no matter how angry he is about what’s been happening to him.”
“I agree… I think that something has happened to Marlena and John is being forced to cooperate to protect her. They want him out of the way and they want to keep chipping away at whatever credibility he has left. If he is tried and convicted of kidnapping, it’s going to seal his fate.”
“We have to find some way to help him, Mike… but what?” Lexie was asking, as she looked out the window glacing down the hallway to see her husband and her friend Bo Brady practically carrying a man, whose face was covered by a ski mask into Marlena’s office. She stepped out the door into the corridor and when she turned to say something to her companions, she realized they’d both seen it as well. As quietly and unobtrusively as possible, the three of them made their way to that office to see what was going on, wondering if they’d smuggled John out of prison.
When the other trio arrived, they were surprised to see who was underneath the mask. “Oh, my gosh… it’s Roman… what’s going on?” asked Lexie and Mike simultaneously, watching them settle the man onto the couch. Carrie was too shocked to say anything at all and just stared at her father’s resting form.
” We found him outside of town near the new version of the Lafferty Farmhouse. He’s exhausted and he collapsed. We believe he was being held there… by either the ISA or the CIA or both. It was all part of the plan to take John down.. that’s all we know. Before he passed out, Roman said he had a lot to tell us and we hope he comes around soon. We have to talk to him before the people who are forcing John to take the fall for it, can figure out that Roman has gotten away and that he’s with us. We’re going to have to hide him out until he gets his strength back.
Mike can you help us?” Abe asked, willing the physician to say yes. Mike and Lexie were listening with one ear open as they moved to examine Roman Brady… checking vital signs and pupilary reactions, reflexes, etc. With gentle shaking, he seemed to be coming around. “I’ll do what I can… he seems to be in relatively good shape.. nothing a little food water and rest won’t cure, as far as I can see at this point. I’d have to run some tests to be sure, but from the looks of him, I’m guessing he’ll probably come around fairly soon.”
Very relieved for more than one reason, Abe encouraged his his friend to awaken, “Roman… did you hear that? Come on… buddy… come on back to us…” Abe was saying, touching his friend on the right sleeve.
Lexie and Carrie held back on using any of those terms of endearment, believing the man was guilty of at least hurting John in that warehouse and who knew how much more? Both women had come to have a somewhat protective feeling toward John since he’d suffered so many difficulties. He needed all the support he could get.
Next, Bo was at it…. “Yea… come on, Bro… wake up…. we need to talk to you.”
“Huh…. Oh.. what happened?” he began to ask. As he became more fully awake and alert, it started to come back to him. “Abe, Bo.. Oh, man…. where am I?” he asked, trying to sit up and get his bearings.
At the hospital… after everything that has happened.. we wanted Mike to take a look at you,” Bo said, helping his brother to complete the process of sitting up.
“Oh.. okay.. makes sense I guess,” he replied then was quiet, trying to regain his equilibrium.
After giving the man a few minutes to adjust, Abe started right into it, “Roman…. when you collapsed you said you had a lot to tell us. We’re in sort of crisis mode here… can you tell us what you know?”
Shaking his head to clear the cobwebs, Roman said, “Yes….I can. I have a lot to tell all of you… so, you better sit down for this….” They others all looked at each other, then at Roman; then they nodded their approval and readiness. Bo went to lock the door and get his brother a glass of water from the restroom while the others found places to sit. It was fairly clear that whatever it was, it was a fairly long story and it was going to be unlike anything most of them had ever heard before.
Chapter 69
Turning The Corner At Last
Over at the Salem Police Department’s holding cell, John was doing his level best to remain calm, but was failing miserably…. his mind a muddled mess of frustrated questions as he symbolically climbed the walls. ‘Dammit, why haven’t I heard anything from Bo and Abe yet? I wish I knew what was happening… Oh Doc.. where are you? Are you allright… Oh, God.. please.. don’t let anything happen to her… I’ll do anything to get her back… anything!” he pleaded.
It had taken awhile but, starting to run out of nervous energy, the adrenaline having run its course, John plopped himself down on the cot and immersed himself in dreamy imaginings… conjuring up a reunion scene…….
She appeared to him in a white sundress, her hair up with a few wispy strands framing her beautiful face… and she was smiling at him adoringly. It was a smile she reserved only for him and he’d missed it so…
Marlena was absolutely radiant… her sun kissed eyes sparkling back at him on a warm summer afternoon. “Oh, my love… fear not, for we will be together until the end of time,” she was saying as her soft slenderhands were cupping his clean shaven cheeks.
“Yes… we’re meant to be together… I believe that with all my heart,” I love you so much,” he replied agreeably, leaning in for a sweet moist kiss.. one that lingered, and he wanted more, his body aching to hold her close in his arms. The vision began to fade as the longing and the nearly crippling fear for her safety returned at the same time… and it was almost like she was calling out to him, “Find me… please find me, John… and bring me home…I need you so…” Picturing that reunion scene, he could almost feel his arms around her shapely form… as he replied.. wishing and praying for it to happen, “I will, Doc… I swear it… I will find you, no matter what it costs me… no matter how long it takes… I *will* find you and I will make the people who took you pay for what they did to us! That’s a promise!!” It was all John could do to fight off the despair as he laid there alone and unable to make good on his promise. It was killing him to be so utterly helpless, but he knew he couldn’t do anything until they found Roman…
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One of the men responsible for managing Marlena Evans as well as Roman Brady… was growing increasingly aggravated with the situation, “No… I haven’t heard from Jack… or Peter or anybody else… but they’ll find out sooner or later and then we’re really screwed. We gotta find Brady—fast! Or we’re dead men…. ” said the caller.
“Don’t you think I know that? Why do you think I told you we should stash that Doctor Evans lady so secretly? I wanted some insurance… just in case this gets ugly.. I made sure I had something everybody wanted.” “That was probably the smartest thing anybody has done in this whole crazy mess,” the first captor said in conclusion.
“Yea… there’s just something about that pretty lady… makes a guy want to slay dragons, even if she doesn’t need em to.” Intuition told him to be wary of what that might mean… “Hey.. you aren’t getting sweet on her.. are you Joey?” fearing further compli-cations. That was the *last* thing he needed.
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Mike, Carrie, Lexie, Abe, and Bo sat quietly, preparing to hear the story as Roman knew it and the silence was nearly overpowering. “Allright, first of all.. I want you to know there are some holes in this thing because I was set up by my own people to become involved, and then I think they used some of what they learned on both John and I…. Anyway… I remember doing some research on a case and I came across some strangefiles… I had a good inside contact in the records section and he used to get me into places late at night so I could see files other agents never even knew existed. I saw some notes in one of the files I was reading about a John Black… and there were these cryptic little comments about him and what happened to him… indicating that the ISA knew a whole lot more about his life than they ever let on. So, I dug some more and I found a whole section, appropriately called The John Black Files. I started to read them and then I realized that if I were caught… I’d be putting the lives of everyone I knew and loved in danger, but especially John himself.”
He paused a moment to let them absorb what he’d been saying, looking for them to signal him with any questions… When they all nodded in encouragement, Roman resumed telling the story, “So, I started taking photographs of the files… I got what seemed to be the most damaging information on film…. I was only able to skim the material…. but what I read was chilling and I was planning to go to my buddy’s place, get the film developed and then go straight to Salem to see John…. ” “But you were caught…” said Lexie, jumping ahead.
“Yes…. and they took the film…. Fortunately, I had two rolls with me and had filled both of them… and I stashed one, just in case. I remember where it is… and I know they haven’t found it yet. So, if we handle this right… we can retrieve it and have some hard evidence to use in building a solid case against the people behind everything that’s happened to John this past year.” “Man…. so what happened to you, Roman?” asked Bo eager to learn all the details of what must have been a very elaborate scheme involving several agents and others in power positions.
“They drugged me… I don’t remember much detail about that time… but it was all about making me forget what I’d seen and brainwashing me to develop an overwhelming hatred for John. They played a video of John and Marlena’s wedding…. over and over and they would talk to me about how John had stolen my wife and my children from me… how he had moved inon my family and ruined my life. They drilled that stuff into me over and over again and then it got worse… ”
“Worse?” How much worse could it get, Lexie was wondering… not able to think of the cruelty these kinds of people were capable of… as her father was.. She shuddered as Roman continued.
“Yes… they uh… had someone spying on John and Marlena while they were on their honeymoon. The agents were there for several reasons… to start the whole plot to ruin John… and to keep me in line. They would play these tapes of the two of them… making love… They would have me drugged into a suggestive state and they would work me over until I was enraged with John, practically ready to murder him with my bare hands. After awhile, the rage was there the second I saw even a picture of him. Finally, they buried it in a way that on the surface I seemed fine… but inside I was ready to rip his head off if I ever saw him again. Right after that was when I showed up in Salem… I don’t remember some of what happened because of being drugged, but the whole thing was a set up for both of us, from the very beginning of my involvement.. They already had the plan to ruin John’s life in motion and they just included me in it after they caught me.”
“Woah… that’s all pretty intense, Roman… why do you think you were able to fight it off and start to remember?” asked Mike Horton, out of curiosity and professionalism.
Roman looked thoughtful for a moment or two and then shared his conclusions about it, ” I don’t know… maybe it was being back in Salem, being reminded of what I used to be like… seeing Marlena suffering so much because of what we were doing to John… I started to question it… and the headaches came. I knew then I was on to something and I kept forcing it. That night on the pier when they took me… that’s when it all started coming back. I think they knew it and they were looking for a way to force John’s downfall more quickly.”
Abe asked the next one… wanting to have something to help John out of his current predicament, thereby enabling him in acquire the answers for which he’d been searching so long. “That makes sense and I’m glad for all of us that you have. We’ll talk about all that… but John’s been hurting for so long and he needs to know what’s going on and why, Please, Roman… tell us about what you learned. What was in those files that they didn’t want you to reveal?”
Just as he was about to start answering the all important question… there was a noise outside, the sound of shuffling feet near the door… Someone was coming to check out Marlena’s office…
‘ What excuse could they make?’ they were all asking themselves as the door knob was being twisted. Roman dove behind the desk and then they all breathed a sigh of relief when the handle was silent once again. Whomever it was, the person decided that since the door was locked, all must be well. The close call however, served as the perfect reminder of the danger they were in… Looking at Roman, Abe voiced it, “We were lucky… this time. The truth is we’ve wasted a lot of time here.. we have to get you to safe house Roman… and then we can talk more about this, but how?”
Mike came to the rescue, saying helpfully, “I’ve got my Lincoln today… we can all fit in it and it’s right near the elevator on the third level of the garage. We’ll only have to take him down one flight of stairs and we’re right there. ”
“Sounds perfect… you know we need to talk strategy here too… John’s sitting there going out of his mind about what’s happening to Marlena and knowing he’s going to jail for something he didn’t do… I wish we could go tell him we’ve found Roman,” said Bo, remembering the look on John’s face when he said Marlena had left him and when they put the cuffs on him and placed behind bars. It was agony for John to be separated from the woman he loved but to also be locked up again was even worse after his experience in Aremid.
Roman hated what he’d done to John; he didn’t remember all the details, but it was despicable what his own agency had done to both of them. He knew that when it was all over, he and John needed to sit down and have a long talk about what had gone on between them over the years. With a long tired sigh, Roman said, “I know he’s really hurting.. and believe me… I feel horrible about it, but there’s nothing we can do for him right now… Like you said.. we need to come up with a plan… and then we’ll fill him in and let him have some input too.” His little brother nodded and sighed wearily, but was resigned to it, “I guess you’re right… but I don’t have to like it… John…. he’s been through a living hell, man!” said Bo in a voice cracking with empathy for what John had suffered through over the past year. He pictured his other brother pacing anxiously in his cell, crazy with worry and wondering what was going on.
Abe put a hand on his friend’s shoulder and comiserated, “I know… and he’s so worried about Marlena… but Bo.. we finally have a chance to turn this thing around and help him. We’ve got to do it right… we’re only going to get one chance.”
“I certainly do hope we can…” said Lexie, thinking of all that both John and Marlena had suffered since they returned from their honeymoon, including John’s own traumatic memories of his past.
Roman agreed with Abe… “We’ll get to the safe house and talk strategy.. and then….we’re going to nail them, little brother… I promise you… These people are going down for what they’ve done. If I can get my partner to buy into this thing… they’ll all get put away for life and then John can finally live in peace. He can learn about his past and then move on with his life…. with Marlena.” Those two words were still painful to say, but he realized that John and Marlena belonged together and he was going to do everything in his power to make it happen. Carrie could see that it still pained him to admit to the bond of love shared by the other two people she loved as parental figures. Speaking softly as she placed a hand on his arm, his daughter showed her concern for him, “I’m sorry Dad… I know how much you love her.”
He nodded and found a smile from somewhere, saying wistfully, “I think I’ll always love her, Pumpkin… but things happened and we’ve all made our choices. She’s in love with John now and they deserve some happiness after everything they’ve been through. I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure they get it.”
Carrie started to cry joyful tears to hear the voice of understanding and compassion. This was her father… he had returned from wherever the ISA had taken him… “Oh… Daddy…. I’m so glad to have you back. I knew something wasn’t right.. I just… knew it.”
Taking her into his loving embrace, Roman was touched… It felt so good to have her respect and her affection again, “Oh Carrie sweetheart… I have so much more to tell all of you… but we better be going now… before that security guard comes back.”
“He’s right… they make the rounds every half hour up here… let’s go,” said Mike, remembering how often he saw the men when he worked late.
Lexie thought of something that might help… “You know.. I’m on shift tonight.. I better get back or it will look suspicious… I’ll keep an eye out and distract the guard if he comes along while you’re leaving..
You all be careful and honey… call me later on.. okay?” she said, wishing she could go too.
Abe leaned in to give her a quick hug before they parted ways, saying reassuringly, “I will honey… and thank you for thinking of this… I love you and I’ll see you soon. Everything will be fine… don’t you worry.” She nodded, but said nothing as she stepped out of the officeand went on down the hallway.
Following her exit, the small gathering of friends whisked Roman out of Marlena’s office and down the stairs to Mike’s car. Within a matter of minutes they were on the way to a safe house. Thinking no one could possibly have known their whereabouts, none of the three trained professionals noticed the car that followed them out of the garage and toward their destination.
Chapter 70 (Part 1)
The Rest of the Story?
Carrie was replaying the whole scenario in her mind, in order toget what she had learned from her father straight with what Bo and Abe had hurriedly told her as they stood at the bottom of the stairwell of the parking structure at University Hospital. And, then she thought of Roman again.. and how it was that he had convinced her to stay behind while the others went off to some unknown destination. Whatever her personal feelings were about being there with all of them, she knew that helping John through this rough period and lending a hand with his children was more important…..
After Lexie left the office, it had occurred to Roman while rushing down the stairs that maybe Carrie should stay behind as well. “Carrie… I want you to stay put too… I want to keep you out of this.. it’s going to get pretty dangerous from here on. Please, go on home to Austin. I won’t be able to do what I have to do if I’m worried about you.”
The way he was talking left little room for discussion, but shehad to try..”But, Dad.. I want to be there for you… ”
Reaching out with his hands, gently cupping her face between them… hurriedly glancing around for some sign of trouble, he said, “Honey… I know how much you care… but I really think it would be bestif you weren’t with me… maybe you can help Mom and Pop with the kids. Belle and Brady are probably missing John and Marlena terribly. And you’rejust the one who can find a way to keep John sane through all of thismadness, until we can come up with a good plan and get him out of jail. ”
She sighed wearily, and then agreed. He was right, John needed her and poor Belle and Brady had suffered right along with John and Marlena over the past year… and now both their parents were absent from their lives… “Allright.. but call me when you can… just to let me knowyou’re okay?”
“I will Pumpkin… as soon as I can… we’ve got a lot of work to do to clear John’s name as well as find Marlena and bring her back safelybut I’ll do my best to keep you informed. I love you…”
“And, I love you… be careful, Dad.. you too, Mike, Bo.. Abe…take good care of each other and I’ll try to be there for John. ” Her father leaned into to embrace her, hoping they could bring Marlena back,spring John, and expose the corruption at high levels of the government that was sworn to protect the people, without anyone else being hurt. Their eyes met and Carrie smiled warmly, knowing her father would do everything in his power to help her other parental figures.
“John..” Bo repeated with a slight delay, the obvious suddenlydawning on him, “That’s it! Carrie.. you can go see John and let him knowwhat’s happening. Would you?” asked Bo, wondering why none of them hadthought of it before.
She was nodding in agreement, realizing that her uncle’s suggestionmade the most sense. “Of course… I’d be glad to.. he’s probably out ofhis mind with worry for Marlena… Yes, I’ll go and tell him everythingyou’ve explained to me and that you’ll be contacting him soon. That should help a lot; part of the story is better than next to none of it.”
Bo agreed completely… “Yea.. and it’ll sure make me feel a lot better about the whole thing.” The young woman felt a hand on her right shoulder, then a pair ofwarm brown eyes gazed upon her admiringly and her other father’s best friend Abe added his thanks as well, “Yes, thank you Carrie… we really appreciate it.. very much, but please.. be careful to make sure no one isable to overhear you. We can’t afford any more problems and we don’t wantyou in any danger,” added Abe as they stood poised to rush toward Mike’s parked car which under Mike’s guidance was waiting for them just outsidethe door.
Carrie nodded with comprehension and then watched them go…worried for their safety and Marlena’s. When they were out of her line ofsight, she turned back toward the hospital and left the garage, preparingto make a few phone calls before going to see John. She wanted to call her grandparents and let them know Roman was allright as well as check onthe children before heading over toward the jail. John would be comforted to know that they were allright
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About an hour later, Abe, Bo, Roman and Mike had made it to the safe house outside of Salem. It was one that hadn’t been used in quite some time and there wasn’t much there in the way of provisions. So, Abeofferred to go out and get food and supplies while the others becamefamiliar with the house and got Roman settled in. The man was obviouslyfighting a gradually losing battle with immense fatigue. When they’dconvinced him to lie down for awhile, Mike and Bo sat down and tried to relax, wondering what was coming next.
Within minutes, there was an unexpected knock on the door… Itcouldn’t be Abe already… so who was it? Bo signaled Mike to head intothe bedroom to alert the sleeping Roman and he advanced toward the door,gun in hand and ready for action if need be. Careful to remain in contolof the situation, Bo looked outside and saw a man he’d never seen before… He was holding out his ID badge… It read, Dan Heckman, CIA, SpecialOperations. How was that name familiar? Was he the one John talked about,no.. that was Joe something…. wasn’t it?
With his firearm highly visible, Bo proceeded to open the heavy wooden door on the cabin in the woods. The man was nervous, but confidant in his ability to convince the greeter not to harm him, “It’s like the badge says, I’m Dan Heckman… and I’m here to help. I followed you out oftown… John wa… is a friend of mine and I think I can help shed some light on everything that’s happened to him… recently and in the past.”
Letting the man see that he was prepared to discharge his firearm,Bo questioned him, “Yea… why should I trust you? For all I know you werein on this thing from the very beginning. We know that you and your sisteragency were in it together… Give me one good reason to trust you!!” Bodemanded. “Fair enough… Allright… I’ll admit it. I *was* in on it fromthe beginning… so was your brother Roman… They.. brainwashed him andhe finally… broke free of it. I don’t know where he is for certain, butI’m guessing he’s here with you. I want to help free John and get hiswife back home safely.”
Not wanting to give anything away, Bo didn’t mention Roman’s whereabouts as he gestured for the man to step inside, “Okay… so you’vegot my attention… Come in, but don’t make any sudden moves or you’re adead man.. You got that!” Bo warned with his police issue pistol in position to do major harm at the first sign of trouble.
His hands still in the air, Dan nodded and replied quietly, watching the gun in the other man’s ready grip, “Yea.. I got it… Don’tworry.. I’m on your side now.” Responding curtly, Bo didn’t give an inch, “That remains to beseen… Sit down.” In the next instant, with Mike a step behind, Roman was in theroom, the truth suddenly making itself evident as his mind continued to clear. Bo and Mike flashed each other a knowing, worried look and thenbefore they could comment or prevent it, Roman, who had begun to put more of the pieces together in his mind, was going after the man. Takingtheir not so welcome guest by the throat, he let his anger go, “Why youson of a bitch! You set me up for this whole thing…didn’t you? Feeding me all that about what John did to you… how you hated him for whathappened to your wife! Then you sat back and watched while they messed with my head! And, what you did to John… There is NO excuse for that,you lousy bastard!!” Roman was shaking the man, still trying to choke him. Mike and Bo both had to pull Roman off the new arrival, yelling at him to listen,”Roman… Stop… stop it! He could have some information we need..”
Mike agreed, thinking the situation was pretty bleak and they should welcome any assistance they could get, “He says he’s here to help… I think we should at least hear him out.”
Shaking his head and still breathing hard with the angry adrenaline, it was all Roman could do not to take the man out on the spot. “No… I don’t believe a word he says… He lies, Bo.. he pretends to be your friend.. he pretends to be on your side and then he stabs you in the back… You don’t know the half of what this man has done!” he added, thinking of what was only hinted at in the files, as well as the fact that this was the other man in the warehouse, something he knew Bo and Mike hadn’t learned as yet.
Realizing it was his partner he had to sell to, Dan glanced at the others then looked Roman directly in the eyes, imploring him to believe, “Roman… they were afraid that John would remember what happenedwhen he was first taken. They thought that if they could.. discredit him.. then it wouldn’t matter what he said… and they had you kidnappedas part of the plan to ruin him, but when he disappeared… that went all to hell…They said they wanted me to take him out. I refused at firstthen when they threatened my life, I told them I would follow orders, when I was actually planning to protect him. I went to John and I told him what I had done. I know almost everything and I kept records. I have enough to put everyone who was involved in this thing in jail for the rest of their lives. I also have a copy of John’s file… his whole lifehistory… everything the ISA ever had on him.” Not conceding anything, Roman stepped closer and let go with a burning question, “Tell me something, Dan… why are you risking yourlife now? You could have come forward at any time.. all these years… you let him wonder about his past… and you were there with me in thatwarehouse… What happened to bring on this sudden attack of conscience?” he asked snidely, not trusting the man in the least.
The remorse for all of his indefensible actions was strong butthey didn’t have time to deal with that now; there were more immediate concerns….
“Because… when they wanted me to kill him… I started to think back on everything… I remembered some of the good times we had… I remembered how he saved Sarah’s life when that bomb went off in Paris.”Speaking to the confusion he sensed from Mike and Bo, Dan looked at them and explained briefly, “He almost died in this horrendous explosion; hewas lying there all broken and bloody, and he was telling Sarah and meto help the kids who were hurt. I just.. realized at some point that Icouldn’t kill him, so I went up to the cabin to warn him and take him and his wife somewhere safe.” Bo jumped in with the obvious, “But.. you were followed and they took Marlena,” wondering if this confession were part of the grand design… making them think Dan was on their side, when in reality he was stillworking against John.
Their visitor was nodding and glancing back and forth nervously at all of them, wondering if anyone believed him and hating to make thingsworse for Roman, whom he could see was well beyond angry at having beenused and manipulated. “Yes… I’m sorry. I was being so careful..and I didn’t think they were on to me yet. Jack must have known from the way Iwas talking that I wasn’t going to follow orders.” Roman reacted immediately to hearing that name.. shocked to learn even more disturbing details, “Jack? Jack Henderson? He was in on thisthing? But.. he’s been.. one of my best friends these past couple of years… He helped me through the worst.. after the divorce… Oh, God… I *trusted* him! I shared everything with him!” Roman paced around the living area, his shoes shuffling over the wooden planks the only soundthey all heard for long moments. The sense of betrayal was devastating.
With a sorrowful sigh, Dan gave Roman the explanation he needed,saying calmly, “I’m so sorry, Roman… I think he felt bad about it atfirst… but you know how it is… the greater cause outweighed hisloyalty to you and he used it all against you… He took all that painand anger you had toward John and used it to brainwash you so that you would help in the plot to destroy him, making it look like John was goingoff the deep end. That way if John ever did remember everything and started talking about it, no one would believe him.. they’d think it was just more paranoia.. part of his mental illness. They also set it up so that if something went wrong and either of you were killed.. it would appear to be nothing more than a long standing battle between two men forthe heart of a woman, a love triangle that finally became violent. ”
Chapter 70 (Part 2)
The Rest of the Story?
Dan paused for a moment, letting it all sink in… he could see from the look on their stunned faces that they were disgusted to learn of what had been done to both men and therefore to all of the lives of everyone who loved them. With a heavy sigh, Dan finished what he neededto tell them, “Eventually, if it all went as they hoped it would.. theyplanned to de-program you and send you back in the field while John would be a broken man, possibly reduced to living in some psychiatric institution with no one the wiser. Their evil secrets would be safely locked up inside your minds.. under their control, once more and for all.”
Mike was unaccustomed to this world of intrigue and espionage,and couldn’t restrain his gut reaction, “Oh.. my God.. that is SO sick!! Our own government… what you all put them through… it’s criminal! ”
Nodding again, Roman shared his feeling and then went right on asking questions, but was barely able to contain the raging torrent of emotion he was feeling for all of them, “Yea… really sick!! Look, Dan… I have to know something…. when John was first taken… how did it go down… Did they already know about what Stefano had done to me? Where Iwas… anything? Did they find out somewhere along the line… then just leave me there and let John go on living my life?” The thought of it made his insides churn with angry adrenaline. ‘Were they that cruel, thatheartless?’
Hardly noticing Abe’s quiet arrival.. Roman was caught up in themadness of unanswered questions… ‘
Of course they were…’ he wasthinking as glimpses of the files came to mind once more. There were things written there that made his skin crawl.. the torture and savage mind control to which John had been knowingly subjected was hideous… They certainly knew what he was suffering… how much of a leap was it to have left the real Roman Brady rotting in some South American jungleland imprisoned by Dimera’s goons?’ Had they set the whole thing up to begin with or had they taken advantage of the existing circumstances?Little difference that it made now, he still wanted to know. As those queries chased each other around his brain, Roman forced himself to pay attention to the answer for the one he had just voiced. “I don’t know all of what happened to you, Roman. They never didtell me that, but I know what happened to John.” There was an awkwardsilence as all the listeners felt uncomfortable knowing they were goingto be the first to hear what John had been aching to know for well overa decade. “John should be here for this,” said Bo with a weary sigh on his brother’s behalf.
“Yea… he’s waited for so long to learn the truth about whathappened to him and why,” Abe lamented, observing the expression of surprise on the other’s faces. No one had noticed the opening and closing of the door because of the intense discussion that was taking place inside the cabin in the woods.
Mike filled the gap in conversation left by their comments, “You’re right… he should, but I think maybe one of us should tell him… he might handle it better if we’re there and have already heard it once.”
“Yea… that’s probably true… go ahead Dan.. tell us what youknow,” Roman insisted. It was his life they were talking about too… there were so many parallels with John’s.. and he wished he could talk openly with the man he called friend and then considered enemy for so long… They had so much to talk about.. but it had to happen later. There was much to accomplish first.
“Allright…” Dan said as he finally sat down, the others following suit right behind him. When everyone was seated and ready to listen to the story, Dan started in feeling worse for John by the minute.. here they were all going to talk about his life and he was still climbingthe walls in a jail cell he should never have had to set foot in. “John was set up… He was working on a very covert operation for both agencies… they were working together to take Dimera down. He was posing as a Priest and next to no one knew he wasn’t the genuine article. In someways, he was actually.. At the same time he was receiving intense ISA training… they had him go to Seminary, take a parish… everything because it was what he planned to do with his life before he met Joe…sort of a mentor of his…and he thought he might go back to it sometime… Little did he know what he was getting himself into. He was just a lonely.. vulnerable kid back then.. no family ties… nothing to interferewith his service to “The Company.”
There was no one to raise questionsif he disappeared on some deep dark night… Just the way the agencies like it,” Dan said in a tone dripping with disdain. Seeing that same sentiment on the other men’s faces, he continued, “Anyway, it was the first project of its kind…and he was making good progress when someone blew his cover.”
Roman didn’t know the details of that part of it and had to ask it, “His cover? You mean they set it up from the very beginning… one ofour own? Who…. who would have let Dimera take him.. knowing what that monster was into?” Roman asked, his eyes wide, his voice filled with incredulity.
The conclusion was right in front of him but he didn’t want to think his buddy was capable of such hideous betrayal. With a sound which was some sort of an undefinable groan, the man who had been his partner said, “I did… I set him up, Roman.. I was blind with grief for Sarah’s death and I wanted him to suffer for causing me to lose her… so I turned John over to that evil bastard… then I told Jack, who was moving up very fast in the agency. He took control after that and I was out of it. They sent me to Indonesia… I wasn’t allowed in on much of anything afterward because of a previous incident. It wasn’t until this recent plan to prevent him from exposing them that I even knew for certain John was still alive.” Not that he’d tried very hard to find out, however.. he was thinking. That was something that went unmentioned for the time being.
Roman remembered what had been fed to him while he was being drugged and it suddenly occured to him what the truth was. He reacted in horrified tones, “You? Oh… Dan… oh my God! You were once his.. best friend… you… you only *pretended* to forgive him, didn’t you? And then you purposely set him up to be… tortured and brainwashed, his life stolen away? You let that bastard take him, knowing exactly what would happen to him?” Ashamed in every way, Dan was honest, “Yes…”
“You knew the whole time what was happening.. where he was… what was being done to him? And both agencies too?”
Again, all he could do was nod his head slightly and tell the truth, in shame, “At the beginning, yes… I did… we all did. Roman.. Ididn’t know all of this at the time, but once they found out about wherehe was being held… they left him there because they knew about the brainwashing and mind control techniques Stefano was using and they wantedto see if Stefano could pull off the switch of identities.. they wanted to learn from the master, so to speak and you two were considered… expendable. They’ve been keeping a file on John ever since…”
The other three were utterly astonished.. Roman’s mind had deniedthis truth.. it had been hinted at in the files he’d seen and hopefully was all on film back at the ISA where he’d stashed the extra roll. This man and the organizations he represented had broken every code of ethicsthere ever was for agents. Shaking his head and advancing toward the man he could no longer recognize, still finding it hard to believe, Roman reacted strongly, feeling a greater sense of betrayal than ever before,”My God… Dan, you were my friend too… we were partners for the pasttwo years! And, all that time, you were just working me over to get toJohn… knowing what they had already done to us… you used me to helpthem destroy his life again! You helped them try to drive him insane…and you knowingly used me to do it!” Once again, Roman took the man by thethroat and threatened to choke him to death… his breathing rapid with rage, his grip fierce and full of murderous fury for what they’d all suffered in the name of scientific observation. “I’m gonna KILL you.. forme and for him! You lousy two faced BASTARD!!”
It took all three of his friends to loosen his tight hold on theman. Mike was closest and grabbed on arm as he tried to reason with hisnewest patient, “Roman… let him go… Stop it! STOP, ROMAN!! You’ll kill him… and then where we all be?”
Bo was yanking on his brother’s arms and making similar pleas, “Yea.. come on, man… I know you hate him for what he’s done.. so do I,but this isn’t the way!”
Finally it was Abe, who got him to give it up, speaking in almost whispered tones, in great contrast to the others, “Roman… if you kill him… we may not be able to save Marlena… and get John out of jail alive…Once they’re on to us.. they could hurt both of them… John willdo anything they demand of him in order to protect her… Dan knows whatthey had planned.. he knows how they think… We *need* him, Roman!” Roman was fighting it, but in his heart he knew what his best friend had said was the truth… he just couldn’t admit it at first andshouted out in his raging anger to the man who was still gasping for air, “No…we don’t… we can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth..” Turning toward his ex-friend, he gave the man a shove, pointed toward thedoor, and yelled again, “You son of a bitch!! Get the hell out of here.. I want nothing more to do with you… You should rot in *hell* for whatyou’ve done to us! GET OUT!”
Dan stood up straight and tall and stared his former partner down. Still coughing, and trying to recover his breath, he managed to square hisshoulders and state his intentions quite firmly, “No… I’m not leaving,Roman. You can hate me, you can kill me when it’s over, I don’t reallycare… But, I am NOT leaving because I can help you and John, and I canhelp you get Marlena back as well… if you let me. I know there’s noexcuse for what I’ve done, but at least let me make all those responsiblefor your suffering pay for their crimes, including myself. I have a plan,Roman…”
What the man was saying sounded plausible.. but Bo supposed he wasa good liar. Still.. John was in serious trouble and Marlena was missing and the agencies would just as soon kill both of his brothers. “Hey Bro.. I know you’re angry and worried about Marlena… I am too…God knows you have every right to be… but maybe we should listen to him… maybe he can help us… We’ve got nothing to lose in hearing him out… ”
Mike didn’t know much about the details, but they most definitely didn’t have much to lose at the moment, “I think Bo’s right… let’s listen to his plan… If you don’t like what he has to say… you don’t work with him.”
Abe offered his own assessment of the situation, again taking upfor John’s right to a say in what transpired, “Whatever we do… Johnhas to be part of it… and if I’m on my mark.. this being the guy whobetrayed him… I don’t know if he’ll agree to anything the man says.” Bo was nodding and then he affirmed it verbally, “Abe’s right…this is John’s future and Marlena’s safety we’re talking about… heshould have the final say in anything we come up with… no matter what.”
Mike was quiet, realizing it wasn’t his decision nor his area of expertise. Roman was considering the possibilities, and then finished hisinternal speculation with a statement, “I agree with that, completely. Allright then… let’s hear it, *partner,* tell us your plan and we’lldecide what happens next after we talk to John,” he added, gesturing tothe man to sit down again. John was going out of his mind with worry for Marlena… for Bo andAbe and even for Roman Brady, with whom he knew he had much to settle.Suddenly, as he traveled the length of the cell for what seemed like theone thousandth time, it hit him just how bad his situation was. If Roman didn’t resurface…and soon, he was going to jail for a long time…
They could even charge him with murder if they could find a way to make it stickwithout a body. It was a snap for people in power positions.. if that was what the agencies wanted, they would find a way to make it happen. They would manufacture more evidence, making it look like Roman was killed, ifneed be.. to put John away. The anxiety rising again, he spoke to his buddies in his mind…”Come on Bo.. Abe.. you gotta find Roman… I have to get out of here… I have to get to Marlena… God.. please protect her for me… don’t let anything happen to her.. please God!” he pleaded once again, powerless todo anything else to help her until he was released and at the rate thingswere going, that might never happen. Just when he was at his lowest pointand despairing about what might have taken place…. he looked up out ofcloudy blue eyes into the warm and inviting face of the young woman heonce believed was his daughter. Sometimes he felt as if it were still the case.
“Oh… Carrie…it’s good to see you..” was all he could manage to say… as a few drops of salty moisture formed behind his slightly lessmelancholy eyes.
Reaching through the bars, she hugged him as best she could.. knowing how hard it was for him to be locked up and not able to help thewoman he loved.
” John… I want you to know… I never believed that you kidnapped my father…. No matter how hurt and angry you were… Iknew in my heart that you would never do something like that.”
“Thanks, Carrie… that means a lot… the evidence is.. pretty damning… ” he said with a sad sigh, wondering if he would eventually beconvicted and sentenced again for something he didn’t do. The memories ofAremid were so vivid…. the fear he had to hide… the sense of outrage and injustice… those emotions threatened to overwhelm him, but Marlena was missing. He had no choice other than to take whatever was handed to him in order to protect her. John would endure anything and it was clearhis adversaries planned to exploit his one glaring weakness for as longas necessary. He snapped out of his disconcerting reverie to hear hisgirl saying, “I have a bedtime story for you… and you better sit down for this one..” She was teasing but she wasn’t… it was all so strange and unreal to her.
Complying instantly, praying that she had some important news about Marlena or Roman.. he said, “Okay… I’m sitting… so, tell me Carrie… besides brightening my darkest hour…. what brings you here?” John asked hopefully, realizing from the look in her eyes that there had been some major developments since his confession and arrest earlier thatevening.
Just as Carrie finished gathering her thoughts to explain thelittle she had learned, there was a sound behind her… shoes shuffling on the concrete floor… and it was more than one pair…
Chapter 71
Dire Consequences
It all happened so fast, one minute they were having a pleasant conversation and John was feeling a little less isolated, a little less worried about Marlena and his own situation, based on what she’d told him. In the next, all hell broke loose and they were in a state of terror, several gunmen appearing near the holding cell where John was imprisoned. The scene played repeatedly itself inside her mind and she kept wondering if there were anything she could have done to help him.
“Run Carrie! Wait until we’re gone and then run as fast you can and don’t stop until you’re safe! l be okay! I *love* you!”
She heard those words spoken with such intensity over and over again.. and then she saw the quiet courage in his face as he was being taken away in an armored limo, having been beaten down enough that he was no longer able to fight them. There was a depth of feeling and strength of character in those blue eyes that she couldn’t fully comprehend. She knew he was hurt and frightened, but he was so brave and he wanted her to do as he asked, so he labored to project a confidence in his own ability to escape and find Marlena. All of that was evident in his penetrating blue eyes as she caught his gaze for just a second or two. She saw the power of his love for her, and for everyone else in the family. It was the kind of love that often led to sacrifices, and she wished with all her might that it wasn’t his turn again.
Carrie vowed to do all that he asked of her in the last seconds they were together… she would take care of Belle and Brady ensuring they were safe and that they knew their parents loved them, but couldn’t be with them for a little while. She would come up with a good reason that made the children feel safe and secure in that all important parental love. “Oh, Daddy… I can’t believe this has happened… Now you *and* Marlena are gone.. How are we ever going to find you?” she cried out worriedly, wishing her natural father were there to comfort her in some small way. Unfortunately, he was miles away at the safe house, along with everyone else in a position to save John from being kidnapped, possibly worse.
Just as she was about to cry even harder about everything that had happened in the past several months, she heard the now familiar sounds of screeching brakes and automatic weapons firing in the night. Presumably, someone had figured out that John was being taken… and maybe they were going to save him… She hoped and prayed that was the case as she heard sirens screaming out a warning cry in the dark summer’s night. It was so loud and she was more than curious.. Against her better judgement…and John’s warning, she peered out from behind the building where she’d been hiding. Again his insistent words were right there in her mind, “Carrie… no matter what you see, no matter what you hear, I want you to promise me you’ll stay out of it. I want you to stay safe, there’s nothing more
important to me than you and the other children. I’ll get away and I’ll find Marlena and I’ll bring her home… Don’t worry about me…just take care of yourself, please!” John was desperate to make her agree. He just couldn’t worry about her safety too.
She had argued with him at the time, laboring to convince him that she could help him. “John… I can’t do this.. I can’t just… stand back andlet them take you… I have to try to get help!” she remembered saying intheir last couple seconds together.
“NO, Carrie!” he insisted, grasping her shoulders firmly, beseeching her to comply, “These people are ruthless.. they’ll stop at nothing… Just let it happen. Don’t try to help me!” John was forceful with her and she nodded, even as the tears formed and began to fall from her frightened eyes, then she ducked into an empty cell and waited. It was almost more than she could bear to hear the noises that came next and do nothing to stop the beating, the dull thud of fists connecting with vulnerable flesh, and his muffled groans of pain breaking her heart. There must have been at least four men… it was obvious they’d subdued him fairly quickly and then just kept hitting him until he was unconscious or at least dazed and unable to fight any longer.
Snapping out of her unpleasant vision, Carrie Brady rushed toward what appeared to be a huge cloud of smoke and upon closer examination, flames as well. “Oh my God!” she cried. It was the same dark limousine in which John had been riding, and it was completely engulfed in searing hot flames. Standing around watching, stunned and not knowing what else to do, were her father Roman Brady, Commander Abe Carver, Dr. Mike Horton and couple of others she didn’t recognize… “Oh, no John!! John!” she screamed in terror.. rushing toward the scene. He must have been inside the vehicle when the engine went up and then the unthinkable occurred to her…. The flames were too hot for anyone to attempt a rescue. She drew her conclusions from the horrified looks on their faces. John was dead.
“Oh.. God! Please, Daddy… tell me he… tell me he got out! Tell me he’s on the way to the.. hospital.. TELL ME, MIKE!!” she screamed at them, her terrified eyes pleading with any of them to say what she wanted so desperately to hear. Why weren’t they doing anything? Why wasn’t anybody saying anything? Didn’t they care… didn’t anyone want to save him?
Her father held her tight to his chest and spoke in tear choked whispers…. “I’m so sorry, Punkin… I’m so sorry, but John is.. dead. When the limo crashed and rolled… he was trapped inside…. I’m sorry sweetheart.. we tried, but we couldn’t get him out of there. The car caught on fireimmediately after it stopped… and it was just too hot. We couldn’t get near it.”
It was so unreal and yet her heart felt the pain of loss already. “Oh, no… No.. oh NO! I love him… Oh, John.. I LOVE YOU!!” Carrie wanted to be brave… but she couldn’t, not now… She collapsed in a heap on the ground as she watched the fiery inferno being put out by the firemen that finally arrived, too late to save the man she loved as a father.
“Oh, John… I love you so much….” She said over and over… and then it hit her.. “Oh, what are we going to tell Marlena when she comes home? She’s going to be devastated.” Suddenly, Carrie leaped to her feet and yelled at the men who should have been there for him “Oh, God.. how could this have happened? How could you *LET* this happen… You had to know that he was a target… that they would try to take him or kill him once they knew you were on to them… Why didn’t you do anything to protect him? WHY ABE!!”
Abe, who was weeping softly, only shook his head sadly; he had no ready answer and he felt horrible.. John was his best friend… Shaking his head continuously, still in shock, he said guiltily, “I’m so sorry Carrie… we thought we had it all under control… but we were wrong. These people.. they’re ruthless.. they don’t play by any rules we can follow. They took us by surprise, Carrie, before we were ready… We were on our way here when they came for him.”
Her anger flared and she was beside herself with anguish, for herself and two little children who needed their father. “Well, you should have been ready! You should have been ready the minute you took him into custody for something you *knew* he DIDN’T DO!! Because you weren’t… Belle and Brady are going to grow up without a Daddy! Oh God!!” It was impossible to contemplate telling them their father had been killed for something that happened more than a decade before they were born.
Roman understood her angry despair, but it wasn’t fair for Abe to take the brunt of it… it was obvious he felt bad enough already, having blamed himself automatically. Taking his distraught daughter by the shoulders, he spoke firmly, “Carrie, that’s enough! This isn’t Abe’s fault. If anyone is to be blamed for this, it’s me. I should have found a way to contact Abe and Bo before I did… I’m sorry.”
Suddenly, she realized it wasn’t fair to take her anger and grief out on the people who had been trying to help John, She nodded and replied more calmly, “Don’t be, Daddy… I know it isn’t your fault.. you were kidnapped… and I know it isn’t really your fault either, Abe.. I’m just… so.. upset.. I can’t believe… that he’s really…dead.. I was just.. talking to him… How can he be gone, Daddy? Oh… I still needed him in my life and he… oh, God…it’s just not fair! He didn’t get a chance to be really happy… Those bastards stole his life away and they were… trying to make him go crazy, so they ruined the only peace he ever found… I’m SO ANGRY!!” she finished, feeling murderous fury at the government that was sworn to uphold and protect… It did neither for the man she loved as if he were her father. It only caused destruction and pain in his case. From the very beginning, he’d been considered dispensable and he was used and abused by the very people who were supposed to back him up in a crisis.
All Roman could do was hold her and attempt to provide some measure of comfort. It was such a shock for all of them…”I know… I know Punkin.. and I’m so sorry. I’m angry too… and I promise you something… they’re going to pay for what they’ve done to all of us!” Roman glared at Dan… who felt the seering look branding his soul, it was was every bit as heated as those flames from the blaze. Staring at the burned out limo, he felt the tears welling up, tears of regret and sorrow for a life taken much too soon, ‘I’m so sorry, John… I swear I am… and I’ll make them pay… if it’s the last thing I ever do!’
A few moments later, as she watched the fireman finishing up with the smoldering carcass of a vehicle, Carrie Brady-Reed wiped her tears and vowed to write the biggest expose there ever was. Once she knew the whole truth about the CIA and the ISA and their involvement in the events culminating with John’s death, they would be exposed for what they were. When she was through with them, the entire free world would know the details of the atrocities they’d committed, and the names of everyone who participated in John and Marlena’s suffering, and indeed her own father’s as well. She would do everything in her power, as she knew their friends would, to ensure those evil people would pay for their unconscionable crimes.
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Marlena was standing at the window staring blankly out into the dark of night when she heard the unbelievable on the radio. Her loud scream of terror pierced the quiet solitude. “No… Oh, no… John… Oh my God! You can’t be dead… no, it can’t be true… It has to be a mistake… No, OH NO!!” she cried out over and over again, willing the story to come out differently each time, willing them to say it was all a big mistake. Her wish didn’t come true, and she realized that she had to get away before she lost all hope. Marlena had to know what happened, why he hadn’t been protected. Most of all, she had to get home to their babies… they were all she had left of him and they needed her more than ever. She had to shut down the despair of losing him in order to honor his
memory…
Her captors rushed into the room to find out what was happening and were rewarded with a slam in the face, the bottom of a ladies shoe smacking each of them square in the forehead. Marlena hit them and ran as fast as she could, knowing exactly where to go, rushing down the back stairwell and out to the rear driveway where the cars were parked. She heard a rumor that one man left his keys in the glove box, for convenience sake. In a matter of seconds, she was in the car and driving away. As swiftly as mechanically possible, she drove off, heading for Salem, wherever that was.
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Two hours later, the small gathering of men was sitting around at the safe house, still stunned by what had transpired and wondering what in the hell they were going to do next… their plan failed before it even started. John Black was dead and the reality of it was just beginning to sink it… the radio playing the same news report repeatedly. It
never occurred to any of them that the rest of the family should have been informed about what happened, so Carrie, who had finally regained amodicum of control over her emotions, took on the task without saying anything to them. Mike was drifting off, as was Dan, but Abe and Roman were wide awake and Bo was pacing, much like John did sometimes when he was trying to figure out what to do next.
Knowing she shouldn’t go home because it would be the first place they’d look for her, Marlena managed to sneak nearly soundlessly into the Loft, a place they still kept for a quiet place to go when the Penthouse seemed too busy with friends and family. She collapsed on the love seat, her body almost immediately wracked by intense choking sobs, an unbearable aching sense of loss enveloping her in the moment she was inside their special retreat. She opened her eyes when an unforgettable scent wafted toward her. John’s chambray shirt was casually draped over the arm of the small couch. Holding it as if it were precious treasure, she slowly brought it close to her face and inhaled the rugged aroma of the man she loved with all her heart and soul. “Oh, John… how could this have happened… I love you… Oh, God… I love you honey… I’m sorry I
wasn’t paying more attention… I’m sorry I let them take me… Oh, John…I’d give anything if I could have your arms around me…. Just one more time…. I love you so…” she said, as the tears cascaded ever downward.
Her moist eyes next fell upon a photograph of John in his Priestly garb, and she felt the sting of angry tears. A few moments later, Marlena tilted her head toward the heavens and shouted at the God he was repre-senting at the time, “God… I don’t understand how you could let him suffer so… how you could let these evil people do such terrible things to him and go unpunished… but I won’t!! Do you hear me? I WON’T!” The
more she thought about it, the more enraged she was becoming at the injustice of it all. The man she loved was an innocent from the start, caught up in events beyond his control, used and manipulated for other’s gain, his loyalty and his basic goodness having been taken advantage of over and over again. Spinning around in a circle, she spoke to the air, to put the sick bastards on notice, “So…. whoever you are…. wherever
you are!! I’m going to find you! And you’re going to suffer for taking him from me!” In memory of and with respect for John, she used one of his trademark phrases, “I SWEAR IT!”
Chapter 72
Surprises Around Every Corner
Peter Blake paced the hardwood flooring in the halls of the Southern Mansion once more, waiting for word from Jack Henderson, thinking how that was so often the case. “Damn… why haven’t I heard anything more about John Black?” he blurted out with intensity. It had been such a long wait… he could hardly stand it and hoped that the whole ordeal would soon be over and Black would be out of the picture for good. Soon, his revenge would be made complete.
Stepping into the den, Peter picked up the mahogany framed 5 by 7 photograph he had on the desk and spoke to the image captured there. ‘Father, it is almost finished… Black will lose everything and his life will be laid waste… We shall have our sweet revenge at long last. Your death will be avenged.’ Looking at his watch, he noticed the passage of time yet again and sighed as he put the photo back in its place. ‘Come on, Jack… call me dammit!’ he hissed under his breath as he headed back out toward the long corridor where he paced to pass the long minutes without word of what was transpiring miles
away.
Finally, when he knew he couldn’t wait one moment longer, he went back into his office, reached for the telephone and was shocked when it rang in his hand. After startling, he picked it up and spoke with the caller, “Hello… ” he said, willing it to be the call he’d been waiting for, yet not counting on it. No disappointments… that was a rule he’d been trying to live by for almost a year now. It took a long time to systematically ruin a man’s life, especially a well loved and respected man such as John Black appeared to be, though Peter had never understood the appeal.
“Pete, it’s me… the deed is done… our worries are over. You have your revenge.” the voice said triumphantly.
“You mean… the problem has been solved… permanently?” he asked, realizing the man meant John had been killed. That wasn’t what he had planned, but sometimes these things couldn’t be helped.
“Yes, the threat has been nullified. Everything is under control…” Jack paused one second too long and Peter picked up on it.
“What about our country guest? How did he make out tonight?” asked Peter Blake, having heard rumors about Roman’s escape from captivity.
“It’s not a problem, Pete… he doesn’t know enough to hurt us… we’ve seen to that… and even if he does remember a few things he might have heard or read, there’s no proof. We destroyed it,” he added thinking of the roll of film they’d confiscated when the man
was caught. “Besides.. we’ll get him back and then he’ll forget everything; try not to worry.”
Breathing out a long sigh, he said, not bothering to hide his dis-satisfaction with the turn of events, “Easy for you to say, Jack… I’ve been waiting a long time for this. I wanted to see my father’s enemies suffer so much more for what they’ve done. I wanted Black to
lose everything in one fell swoop, and most of all, I wanted to be there to see it happen.”
“I’m sorry… it couldn’t be helped. There was an accident, but rest assured the threat to all of us is gone. For that we can be thankful.”
Peter Blake blew out a long breath and looked at the photograph again. It was almost as if he could hear his father’s powerful voice saying, “A life for a life, Peter.” He imagined seeing Stefano’s dark features, his lips turned up in a wicked smile of satisfaction as the life drained from his enemy’s body. Jack was just about to say something further, hoping he hadn’t made his partner angry in telling him such a thing. He breathed a sigh of relief when Peter finally agreed, saying more calmly, “Yes… we can… all right then… keep me posted.
I’ll be here waiting and watching the news reports. Won’t that be great footage?”
“Yes, actually it will… I won’t spoil it for you by giving you the specifics… enjoy it and I’ll get back to you as soon as I have any more details.” The phone clicked and in the next second, Peter flipped on the television and surfed through the channels until he got to CNN. Sure enough, there was a report on the fiery car crash described as “a terrible accident that took the life of John Black, a once proud man whose often tumultuous life ended in tragedy as he was trying to escape from prison.” The pundits called it a orrible tragedy that didn’t have to happen… if only the man had been given the right kind of help for his problems…. Maybe his life could have been saved,’ they all said. There were questions surrounding the car accident that would have reporters buzzing for several weeks, but the agency had covered its tracks fairly well. There would be no way to connect what happened this particular evening with John Black’s past. Jack and his
boys had seen to that before his people went after the man. They were carrying false identification and had altered fingerprints through some high tech synthetic skin covering their fingertips. There were even false dental records produced in case that issue became irrelevant as it had when the limousine exploded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The phone hadn’t stopped ringing since the worn out grieving bunch made it back to the safe house. “Hello, Carver here,” Abe answered once again, sounding more tired each time he uttered that greeting. “Yes I understand…. Thank you for getting back to me so quickly… I appreciate it. Yes, please call me if you find anything else.”
The others looked to him as they had each time… how weary he was getting as each piece of evidence made the ending to John’s story seem even worse. “That was the FBI agent in charge of the investigation… all of the evidence in the crash supports the theory that John set up the break out completely on his own. It looks like it was his limo and
his driver, along with three other men employed by his security company.There’s absolutely nothing to indicate that he was taken by force. They’ve set it up to make John look like the guilty party all the way.”
The room was quiet after heaving a collective disconsolate sigh… Not only was John killed… what was left of his badly damaged reputation was finished. He was branded a mentally unbalanced kidnapper and all his philanthropic contributions to the lives of others were long forgotten in favor of that negative image.
Even if Roman turned up and tried to say John wasn’t responsible for his kidnapping, no one would believe him. The real culprits would find a way to make it look as if he were being influenced by the family.. or some similar explanation. Finally, it was Roman who reminded the group of one positive sign. “Well… we still have the pictures I took of
those files, if that roll of film I stashed is still where I left it, that is,” he said, wondering how they could possibly retrieve it under the current circumstances.
“Yea… and if we can get to it… that place is going to be crawling with agents just waiting for us to make a move,” said Bo, figuring they couldn’t get near Langley without being detected.
Dan was thinking along the same lines as Roman but stopped short when he realized that Bo’s comments applied to him as well. “And don’t forget my files… I’ve got…. Oh… but I probably won’t be able to get near them for awhile… Every place I’ve ever been is being watched pretty closely…. If they figure out where I’ve got the stuff hidden, we’re all in trouble.”
“Well, then we just have to come up with some kind of diversionary tactic, now don’t we?” Bo was saying, his eyes twinkling as his mind worked to come up with a plan to distract the boys from their mission.
All Abe could think about was how much pain his best friend had endured, only to die in the presence of people who sought to hurt him further, even beyond his death. His voice crackled with emotion as he forced himself to face the reality that his best friend was gone forever… and therefore his focus now had to change. “Well… maybe we couldn’t
do anything to save him… but John… deserves to have his name cleared… and we have to find Marlena.. and bring her home. She’ll need us to get through this… and Belle and Brady need her; so do a lot of other people… I’ll do anything to make that happen, anything
Bo…”
Two hours later, the friends of the madmen’s target were all sitting around at the safe house, still wondering what in the hell they were going to do next… their best plan having failed before it had even begun. Unbelievably, John Black was dead and they still had no idea where Marlena was being held or specifically by whom. The full reality
of their desperate situation was beginning to settle in… the radio repeatedly playing that same piece about the horrific crash.
As fatigue threatened to take over at last, Carrie having already collapsed in one of the bedrooms, and give them all the blessing of sleep, another voice, albeit a weak and raspy one, was heard, as if on cue. “I’m here to tell you… that the reports of my.. demise have been greatly.. exaggerated,” the faint voice said before the person who owned it began to waver as if ready to collapse.
They whirled en masse to cast their eyes upon a disheveled and rather toasty version of the man who was supposed to have perished in a fiery car crash about three hours earlier in the evening. There was an eerie silence during which no one could muster a sound as they tried to adjust to the abrupt change. Finally the visitor spoke again. “Well,
isn’t anybody glad to see me?” he asked with a broad if tired grin, decidedly pleased with himself for having pulled off single-handedly what he surmised they must have been planning.
“John! Oh, my God… John, you’re alive!” exclaimed half the group excitedly. “I can’t believe it!” said the others incredulously as they began to gather around him. Mike stood up and was at his side in a heartbeat, having observed the man’s rapidly weakening condition. John was exhausted and near collapse, that much was obvious.
“John… you’ve been through quite an ordeal, why don’t you let me check you out here,” Mike Horton said pleasantly, taking John by the arm, Bo on the other, hoping the man wouldn’t fall over before they could get him to the couch.
“Okay,” their surprise guest said quite pleasantly, sounding slightly absent, as if he might fade out at any given moment. John didn’t protest and that fact alone made it clear he was quickly moving beyond exhaustion. With a little guidance, he sat down on the couch which they cleared for him.
How are you feeling, John?” Mike asked quietly, as he helped his new patient to lean back against some pillows, watching him closely for signs of serious injury.
His eyes were glossy and he was dazed and slow to respond, “Uh… okay I guess… I uh… I’m kind of.. tired, but I… have to tell you… something… What was it? ” he was asking, his brows furrowed as he tried to concentrate. Finally, it came to him, “Uh… oh…it’s Carrie…she was… she was….” He started to say.
John seemed to be struggling, fighting his body’s natural inclination to rest… The physician wanted his patient to get that necessary healing sleep and encouraged him to listen to his body. “John, Carrie’s just fine. She’s safe here with us. Now, please just try to lie stilland relax,” the doctor urged, “You’ve been through a lot tonight and I need to examine you.”
His patient complied instantly, feeling as though he had run through a brutal gauntlet, his body wracked with pain from several sources. His mind fought to recall his concern, but he simply couldn’t manage it… his eyes went shut and he laid back against the pillows as Mike pulled out his stethoscope. The last thing John felt was the sensation
of a round piece of metal being placed on his slightly bare chest… “Oh, that’s cold,” he said with a slight shiver before the world faded out around him, leaving him to the blessed healing darkness….
Mike smiled as he finished unfastening his patient’s shirt and said, “Good… now you won’t give me any trouble…” The others chuckled too, pleased to know they’d all be dealing with the man’s stubbornness soon enough. It was a miracle he survived the explosion and found his way to the safe house on his own power.
Mike, is he going to be alright?” asked three concerned voices… staring down at the sleeping form of a man they all thought had perished a short time ago. He was burned in more than a few places, and his body was bruised and battered, that was certain; how seriously was yet to be determined. However, even if he were badly injured, John
Black was alive and that was something to be very thankful for at the moment. Now, if they could only find Marlena and get her to safety, there just might be a happy ending to the saga. All their other plans would have to go on hold, at least until they could talk to John and find out exactly what happened to him. Then they would let him know what they’d learned thus far, and perhaps the remaining pieces of the puzzle could be made to fit together at long last. And hopefully, when it was all over, John and Marlena could finally have the lasting peace and true happiness they so richly deserved.
Dan Heckman was silently thanking God for letting John survive the crash and reach a place of safety, watching with pleasure the slow steady rhythm of his former best friend’s breathing as John faded into a restful slumber. Hanging back near the door, somehow, with the emotionally charged atmosphere, no one noticed as Dan slipped out
without saying a word to anyone. He had a plan all his own, one he now knew he had to carry out alone, or die trying. ‘It’s the least I can do, for all the pain I’ve caused you buddy..’ he said, taking one last glance back inside at the group of friends gathered around the sleeping man and then looking at the slip of paper in his hand. ‘I just hope I get to tell you again in person how sorry I am for all of this, but if not… it’ll still be worth whatever I have to go through to get you back your life. And, then….I’ll find Jack and
make him and the others pay for what they’ve done to you. I swear I’m gonna make things right, John, if it’s the last thing I ever do!’ In minutes, he was in his vehicle and making his way down the mountains and toward the city of Salem where he would find another mode of transportation to take him to his next destination.
Chapter 73 (Part 1)
Round and Round You’re Turning Me
It was long after midnight and Marlena wasn’t sure what she should do. John was dead, at least that was what they were saying on all the major news channels. She’d seen the video footage, she’d watched the limousine burning until it was nothing more than a few willowy strands of metal. There was no doubt in her mind about what happened to the vehicle’s passengers and its driver. In her heart, however, she found it impossible to fully accept that he was gone from her life forever. She and John always had such a special connection and they believed it had grown even stronger through all the trials and tribulations they endured together. So, if he were dead, as logic dictated he was, why was it that she still felt his presence in her heart so strongly? Could he be alive? Had his friends faked his death for some reason? Or was just wishful thinking on the part of a grieving widow?Stepping out onto the rooftop of the building that housed the Loft apartment, she gazed up into the quiet night sky, the full moon giving her a feeling of hope in the midst of such darkness. “Oh, Dear Lord,” she prayed. “Please, if he is alive, keep him safe for me and help us find our way back together, soon. I miss him so… And, God.. please help us prove his innocence, help them all to find Roman and catch those horrible people who set this pain in motion.” For a long while she simply stared off in the distance, vaguely taking minimal comfort in something larger than life, salty droplets born of contemplated loss clouding her vision in a gray mist. At last, when the latest round of tears dried, the vast array of bright lights in that sky, both man made and naturally occurring, was fascinating to her and soothing in ways she couldn’t describe. He heart cried out to the heavens, praying without words. She wanted so to believe… that somewhere out there, John was alive, and they would somehow find their
way back to each other.
As time passed, the convictions of her heart made her mind begin to realize that John *was* alive after all. If she were right, she simply had to find a way to locate him. “Who can I call? Who would know what really happened tonight?” she asked herself out loud,
thanking the Lord silently that she’d snagged a lonely cell phone from the car she’d taken for a little ride. She’d long since ditched the car in an alleyway in the general vicinity of the Loft, but the phone was going to come in handy. It wasn’t easily traceable, so the people looking for her would have a lot tougher time pinpointing her whereabouts. Suddenly, it occurred to her who she might contact, Lexie! Of course… she’ll know if any one has been taken to a safe house.’
Hurriedly, she dialed the number to the couple’s home and within a few moments, her good friend was on the line, “Hello, Abe..honey is that you?” said the younger woman, hoping her husband had learned something new. The timing was right for another update.
“No, Lexie, it’s me… but don’t say my name.. just to be safe…”
Her jaw dropped open and her chocolate eyes went open wide with surprise as she sat up in bed to talk. “Oh, my gosh… I can’t believe this… are you alright?” It was almost too much for her not to call her friend by name, but sensing the danger, Lexie succeeded.
It was extremely difficult to maintain her composure so that she could reply and then ask the question to which she had to have the answer. “Yes, yes I’m fine… but.. is my, is he… I mean.. did he really… ” Marlena couldn’t say the word; it just didn’t seem right because she couldn’t acknowledge the possibility.
Lexie was aching for her friend, wishing she could spare her the pain a truthful response would bring, wishing she could be with Marlena in person. Her voice softened as she did what had to be done, forgetting about the potential problems that could result from naming names, “Oh, …. I’m so sorry… I don’t know exactly what happened… but
everything went wrong… Abe and Roman… they’re together with Bo and Mike now… and they had this plan to get John out tonight… but before they could put it in motion… some men came after him.. they were taking him somewhere… and the car just.. exploded… I’m so sorry, but he was killed.” Lexie paused for a second, searching for
something that would bring minimal comfort, then sighed and added, “The coroner said he died instantly… ”
Marlena was in shock, having half expected to be told that John was just fine, that it was all some big mistake and he was alive and well. Tears sprang to her eyes and she expressed her disbelief through trembling lips, “Oh, Lexie… It can’t be true… I’ve been…
praying…and I still… I feel him in my… heart. If he were… dead, I thought I.. would…know it…. Oh, my God!” she cried out, her hands moving toward her mouth in a gesture that always seemed so futile, as if that action could force down the fear and the pain.
“Oh, Marlena… I’m so sorry… I wish there were something I could do… ” As her mind leaped on the idea that she should find out where her friend was and go to get her, the phone bleeped out the sound from the other end, indicating that a call was waiting. “Marlena… can you hold on for just one moment… My call waiting is beeping at me… it
could be Abe calling. Is it okay if I check it out?”
“Sure, go ahead… I want any news he has. I want those…evil bastards to pay for John’s death!” Marlena said with an not so hidden undercurrent of rage. When the other end of the line was silent, the tears fell unfettered. Shaking her head in disbelief, she cried and
expressed her laments, ‘Oh, John… how can you be gone, my love? I need you… you can’t be dead… No… no, John….it just can’t be true!’
Lexie clicked the line and spoke instantly, “Hello…” hoping it was Abe or Roman, anybody who knew something.
The caller wasted no time, “Lexie… it’s me… listen, I’ve got some important news for you… and you better sit down for this one… I mean that, Lex,” he added quickly, emphasizing his point.
Doing as her husband suggested, she sat back against the headboard of the bed and asked a question at the same time, “Okay, Abe…. I’m sitting… what is it that you have to tell me?”
“It’s about John…” he said, giving her a moment to prepare…. “He’s… alive, Lexie… and he’s here at the safe house with all of us, Carrie included.”
Her dark eyes shined as the new reality hit home, and her voice was filled with excitement, “Oh, my God, Abe… Marlena is on the other line… I don’t know where she is yet, but she’s alright too… This is so incredible! Just let me tell her and then I’ll come back on and we can make plans to rendezvous… okay?”
Abe was thrilled for his friends; it was what everyone had been praying for since the moment John showed up at the Salem Police department without Marlena at his side. “Oh, Lexie… this is so.. amazing…. After all these horrible things… we might actually have a chance to put an end to their suffering and pay those sick bastards back for the pain they’ve caused… I can’t wait!” In his mind, he was thinking about Peter Blake, the man behind the campaign, the evil son bent on revenge. ‘You’re going down, Blake… so enjoy what you *think* is a victory, it won’t last long!’
Not wanting to squander any more time, Lexie decided they could discuss details later, “Okay… here we go, Abe… ” she said indicating she was going to cut him off. Click went the phone line and her friend was back. “Marlena… are you there?”
It was such work to converse with any logic at all, her mind caught up in the fear that threatened to break through her protective shock reaction. Finally, she answered, her upset increasing as she continued, “Yes… yes… I’m still here, Lexie…. Oh..I feel so alone… I don’t know how I’ll ever learn to live without him… but I do want to make
sure the people who did this are punished. What did Abe have to say about that?”
“Marlena…. There’s a good chance you can do that, but first… I think there’s something really important that you should know…”
Afraid to hope, she just requested the information, “Well, don’t keep me in suspense, Lexie… please just tell me what it is…”
“It’s about, John…. Marlena… Abe is on the other line, after all… and it turns out… he’s alive… John survived the explosion, somehow, and believe it or not, he made his way to the safe house. He must have guessed which one Abe would use… ”
Marlena practically leaped off the couch on which she’d been sitting… crying out joyfully as tears formed anew, “Oh, my God… it’s a miracle! I was right… I could feel him in my heart… Oh, Lexie… I want to see him! I want to be with him…” She would run to him on
foot if necessary. Her heart raced and her stomach churned with anxious adrenaline, as she wiped away the moisture and smiled… Soon, they would be together, holding each other tight…
Caught up in the same excitement, Lexie exclaimed, “I know, I know… Abe is still on the line, just tell me where you are and he’ll send a car to get you and take you there!”
“I’m at the Loft… I escaped from my kidnappers… in their car. I abandoned it a little ways from here. ”
“Perfect… okay.. keep the lights off and I’ll tell Abe. Someone should be coming for you in about 25 minutes… I’ll be riding along with them… Can you hold out a little longer?”
“You bet I can!” she said with confidence. Relief flooded her heart as she began to realize that their ordeal might soon be coming to an end. Maybe they would finally have some peace of mind. But, first things first… being reunited… Joyful moisture began to form as the new, much brighter reality began to settle in, “I’ll see you soon. Oh, Lexie… Thank you, thank you so much… I’m just so… happy… and I can’t wait to see John.. and everyone else!” she cried excitedly.
“I know… see you very soon, my friend… ” Lexie clicked the line and was back on with her husband. “Abe, Marlena is at the Loft and she’s ready to see all of us… can you send an unmarked car so we can come up and join you? As you might imagine… she’s overjoyed that John is alive, and she’s very anxious to see him.”
“Done… it’ll be there in less than thirty minutes…This is great, Lexie… maybe this story will have a happy ending. God knows John and Marlena deserve it… after everything they’ve been through.”
“Amen to that, Abe… Amen,” said his wife with a weary but pleasant sigh, as she went to hang up the phone. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Yes, you will. I love you Lexie and I can’t wait to see you. This has been a horrible.. wonderful night and I need to have you in my arms.”
She could hear his need to be near her… Lexie knew that he was hurting terribly to think his best friend was killed, and that he’d been blaming himself for the death. Sighing with relief for him and everyone else involved, Lexie replied softly, “I love you too, Abraham Carver, and I can’t wait to be with you. Give John our love…”
“Uh… Lex, real quickly… there’s something I should tell you… John.. he’s… well, he’s pretty banged up… and right now, he’s out cold… Mike thinks it could be awhile yet before he comes around.”
She sighed again, this time worriedly and asked, “Oh, Abe….. is he hurt badly?”
“Mike’s still examining him.. he doesn’t think so… but I’m guessing he’s going to say we need to get John to a hospital soon… just to make sure.”
“Please call us the minute you know something more… Marlena’s going to want to know… Is there anything we can bring to help Mike care for him?”
“I don’t think so, he has his bag with him…and he gave John some medication for the pain. Just get ready.. the car will be there for you in about ten minutes…”
“All right then.. goodbye Abe.”
“Bye honey.” As soon as he broke the connection Abe was dialing the station to call for the car. Within three minutes, two trusted officers were hustling toward the impound lot as their boss suggested.
When he hung up the telephone and began to turn toward the others, Abe was instantly aware of several pairs of eyes bearing down on him. He smiled at their expectant faces, answering their silent queries, “Yes, you heard right… Marlena is okay…she got away from the kidnappers and she’s at the Loft right now. A car is on its way to pick up Lexie and then Marlena.. They’ll be here in about an hour and a half.”
A collective sigh of relief was breathed at that piece of good news and then several phrases were uttered indicating the same, “Oh, Abe.. that’s great news!” said Mike. Then Roman, “I’m so glad for them!” and finally, his younger brother, “Yes, they’ve been through a lot.. they deserve a break.”
Carrie heard the excitement rumbling throughout the large cabin in the woods and awakened quickly, slightly disoriented by the darkness that surrounded her. Where was she? What was going on? Her mind pondered those questions when she heard Abe talking, “Marlena is safe at the Loft, I’m sending a car for her and she and Lexie will be here within the hour.”
“Oh, man… this is amazing.. John’s going to be… well, when he wakes up he’s going to be so happy!” exclaimed Bo.
“John… John is alive!” Carrie raced out into the living area, praying all the while that she wasn’t just dreaming, that it was all true, her heart pounding as adrenaline pushed its way through her veins. Her eyes landed immediately on the battered sleeping figure of the man she loved as a father. “John… oh, John!” she cried, rushing toward him. Then
looking anxiously toward the others in the room, she stated the obvious, “He’s alive!… is he…. Mike… is he.. going to be alright?” she asked, her voice thick with emotion, her mind swirling with questions that no longer mattered. He was alive and he was safe
from further harm. That was all that mattered to Carrie. Mike nodded, as did her natural father, Roman Brady. “I think so, Carrie… as you can tell he’s a little worse for wear, but he seems to be resting pretty comfortably and I’ve seen no signs of serious injury so far.
He’s one lucky man.”
Abe, Bo and Roman were nodding. Then Bo said what was on all their minds, “Try amazing…. How he ever got out of that limo and made it back here in one piece… I mean.. how did he know where we’d be in the first place and how in the *hell* did he make it under his own power?”
Chapter 73 (Part 2)
Round and Round You’re Turning Me
Abe answered for the group, “I don’t know… but when John wants to do something badly enough there’s just no stopping him.” Carrie was still staring at him and smiling with wonder. “You mean to say that he’s stubborn, don’t you?” she asked, teasingly, seeing his eyelids begin to flicker.
“That’s a fact,” said a quiet voice nearby, a pair of droopy eyelids slowly fluttering open.
“John! Oh, man you gave us quite a scare buddy… ” said a surprised best friend, whirling around to face the couch upon hearing the welcome sounds.
Mike moved in quickly, his doctor’s hat firmly in place, and asked the obligatory question, “How are you feeling, John?”
“Uh… I’m not sure…” John said, sounding dazed, wishing his mid
were clearer as he labored to lean on an elbow.
“John… do you know where you are? Do you remember what happened?” Abe asked him, ever the cop. Bo and Roman were right behind him, a couple of steps away and John sensed the importance of the answers they sought.
His face was filled with confusion and the frustration of not knowing. His brow furrowed as he searched his mind for the answer, “No… no, I don’t… I don’t remember… Why? What did happen?” he questioned, looking up with confusion at the gathering of familiar faces.
Mike frowned and pondered a variety of explanations, as he shined his light in John’s eyes, “Well, you’ve had quite an evening, John. Perhaps it’s the stress or that bump on the head… I wouldn’t worry about it, John – t’s probably only temporary.”
“Yea… you’re probably right… So, what happened to me…. What is this place?” John asked, glancing about the cabin and working to sit up. Mike and Bo lent a hand.
“Well, for starters, you’re at a safe house. John… why don’t you tell us all what you do remember and that’ll clue us in as to what to tell you to fill in the gaps,” Mike directed, hoping that after a few minutes passed, his patient might begin to recall the events of the evening.
He was thoughtful, shutting his eyes to help him concentrate. As his mind cleared, he was able to remember parts of it, “Okay… I.. uh… I was… locked up again… for something I didn’t… do. I was alone… waiting for…. For… Oh!” he stopped in mid sentence and groaned in pain, clutching at his head which was gripped by an intense headache.
“Hey… hey, John..take it easy… ” Abe said, putting a hand on his buddy’s right shoulder and feeling concerned about what might have happened to John while in the hands of the renegade ISA or CIA agents.
Worried about his patient, Dr. Mike jumped in next, “You know what?I don’t think this is such a good idea right now.. John, you really should get some more rest. You’ve had a rough night of it… there’ll be time for all of that later. Right, Roman, Bo, Abe?” he questioned, willing them all to understand what he wanted them to say in response.
Roman was the first to voice his understanding, saying quietly, “Of course… we can wait awhile. John, you just take it easy and we’ll talk with you in the morning.”
John leaned back against the pillows again, relieved to let the sense of urgency go. For some reason he was completely exhausted and could barely keep his eyes open. “Yea, okay… thanks… I think I..will,” he said, nearly asleep as he shut his eyes.
Carrie had stood back, waiting for the right moment. When it didn’t come, she approached the couch without saying anything, her eyes asking Mike whether or not it was okay to speak with his patient. He smiled warmly with understanding, his blue eyes sparkling in reply to her unspoken query. Carrie was careful not to disturb John too much, guessing he was in some physical pain from the facial expressions she observed as the others were caught up in the details of the events. “John… it’s me, Carrie… I just wanted to tell you how glad I am to know that you’re alright… I was so devastated when I thought something horrible had happened to you. I love you… Daddy.”
A glorious smile crept across the rugged and bruised features of his handsome face as those words penetrated the mental fog. Opening his eyes for a moment, he looked at her and he beamed in response to the sight before him, “Carrie…. Oh, Pumpkin girl…” he said softly. “I love you too,” he added, reaching out with his right hand to touch
her cheek, wiping away a couple of stray tears that had trickled out of her moist eyes and made a light trail down the length of her face. She smiled mildly in return, and did the same, saying as her fingertips reached his unshaven cheeks, “Oh, Daddy… I was so
worried about you… I thought that… you were… gone. I’m so glad you’re all right.”
Behind them, there was an unmistakable sound. The door opened to reveal a beautiful blond haired hazel eyed woman and her good friend. “Oh, boy… so was I… ”
“Doc? Oh, Doc…” he said, nearly falling off the couch in his haste to be close to her. She prevented it by rushing toward him, prepared to catch him, if necessary. She took him into a rib bruising embrace and he gasped and sagged against the pillows, groaning and nearly passing out, “Ah… oh…”
“Oh, honey.. I’m so sorry… John, honey…” she cried anxiously as she watched his eyes roll back in his head.
He was silent for the moment, the pain radiating through his body… and she was terrified on his behalf. Mike slipped around Carrie and Marlena to make a quick assessment of John’s condition. His pulse was racing, his breathing rapid and shallow. “John… hey, John… come on… come back to us… ”
It was a long wait, but the man did respond, “Oh… man…” was all he said at first. Then, his eyelids flickered again, and he seemed to come around. “Doc? Oh, Doc… Please tell me I’m not dreamin’… ” he said, sounding groggy and slightly disoriented, but smiling
brightly.
He could make her smile too, even when she was so worried about his well being. With her hands upon his cheeks, she sighed and said softly, “No, honey… you’re not dreaming. I’m here…and I’m never going away again.”
With a quiet sigh, and a sweet smile, he whispered, “Good…. cause I really hate it when you’re gone.” As swiftly as he’d awakened, John was out, almost collapsing onto the pillows. Everyone chuckled and shook their heads in disbelief. Mike was taking his vital signs again and was less alarmed, but still cautious. “Well, I’m not sure what just happened, but I think we better get him to a hospital by morning. I’d like to run a few tests, just to be certain he’s going to be alright.”
Roman spoke up immediately, “I figured you were going to say that and I’ve worked out a plan….” They were all nodding their heads, looking at the man with a renewed sense of respect and admiration. Roman really wasn’t out to get John after all. He’d been a victim too. He cared about the man and wanted to help him. What a relief it was to know that.
Lexie moved in close to Abe, glad to be reunited as well, sighing with relief for all concerned. It had been a frightening emotionally charged night. Marlena sighed and walked hesitantly across the cabin toward her ex-husband, pleased to see him again and know that he was the man she remembered, rather than the man who worked for the people who caused she and her husband so much pain and anguish over the past several months. Her hazel eyes exchanged a message without words, ‘We have so much to talk about, Roman… you and I, and John… but I know that now is not the time for that…” What she said out loud was a heartfelt, “Thank you, Roman… it means a lot that you care.”
“Of course I do, Doc… John was like a brother to me at one time. I was hurt and angry about what happened, but I would never have done so much to cause you both so much pain and suffering. I hope you believe me.”
“I do… I do, Roman… but we’ll have plenty of time to talk about all of that when he’s recovered and we’ve had a chance to get the people who are responsible for everything we’ve all been through this past year.”
He nodded and took her hand, glancing at the sleeping man, “You’re right… we will. Right now, we have to make sure he’s alright. That was a horrible explosion tonight. He’s one lucky man, Doc.”
She looked down at the man she loved, and spoke with passion as a joyful tear escaped its confines. “No, he’s one *amazing* man.. and I love him so….”
Noticing that an important moment was developing, Abe and Lexie, Bo, Mike and Carrie backed off and let them have some privacy. Hardly noticing the others’ actions, Roman gazed at Marlena’s glistening eyes, eyes that shone with the love she’d just expressed verbally, and then shared his conclusion. “Like I said, Doc… he’s one lucky man… because he’s got you.” She beamed to hear him say it. Even though there was a hint of sadness in his brown eyes, she could also see that Roman had accepted the truth, finally. He realized that the deep bond of love she shared with John was different from what she had with him at one time. Their romantic love was solely in the past. They
couldn’t go back, but with the anger and jealousy behind them, maybe they could become good friends. Her voice barely above a whisper, she took his right hand and gave it a soft kiss as she spoke of her gratitude, “Thank you for saying that, but I’m the lucky one. I’m so blessed to have been loved by two very special men… You’ll always
mean so much to me, Roman.. I hope you know that.”
He smiled with a familiar warmth she found comforting as he replied in kind, “I do… and the same goes for me… You’ll always have a special place in my heart, and in my life, Doc.” Seeing that Mike was concerned for his patient and the others were struggling with their patience, Roman ended the interchange by squeezing her hand in return,
then saying, “But, right now… we better focus on that plan I was talking about.”
“Yes… we better…” she said to end the moment. With a polite nod, she excused herself and went to John’s bedside, where Carrie was keeping watch. Marlena smiled and reached for her *daughter’s* hand, content to let the rest of the group handle the discussion of what would happen next. She was right where she wanted to be, beside her beloved and holding hands with the young woman she couldn’t love more if there were biological ties between them. Marlena looked back and forth between the two of them and then over at the others, thinking how quickly the situation had changed for the better. She sighed and wondered how it was that just when she thought she might give up because the pain life sometimes brought to her and those she loved was overwhelming, circumstances had a way of turning themselves around toward the good.
Chapter 74 (Part 1)
Complications
As Roman and the others settled down to develop the next step in their plans, it suddenly occurred to Roman that Dan wasn’t around. Maybe he’d disappeared into the other bedroom and zonked out. He had to be feeling pretty guilty about what had happened… but where was he when John arrived… “Oh, no ” he finally said out loud, a feeling of forebodingsettling in, as it became crystal clear what had transpired.
“What, Roman?” asked his younger brother, instantly alarmed by Roman’s tone and his physical demeanor.
“Where’s Dan? Has anybody seen him?” Roman replied, looking about the cabin anxiously, searching for some sign of the man, wishing he was wrong in the growing sense that they were all in serious jeopardy.
“No, come to think of it, I haven’t,” Bo said, repeating his brother’s visual scan of the area, then darting back toward the bedrooms to search.
“Damn!” was all Abe said, realizing where Roman’s mind had taken him.
“Who’s Dan?” asked the women, feeling utterly out of the loop.
“Whew… a long story…that I don’t have time to tell you, but I can say… that we better get out of here.. and fast!” Roman said by way of explanation, beginning to gather up various items they would need.
“Why… you think he’s….” Mike started to say, guessing too and
looking toward his sleeping patient.
Roman was mad, burning mad and scurrying about the place, also glancing at John, wondering if they could get him to safety without harming him further. “Yep… he was lying to us all along, just like I thought in the first place… he’s going to give us away, now that John’s been found. Damn I never should have trusted him to help us!”
Bo grasped at straws, hating to think they’d all been taken in so thoroughly by Roman’s partner, “Well… maybe… maybe he’s…”
“Maybe what, Bo… maybe he went off on his own to do something to help clear John’s name… to make up for the sins of his past? Ha… right… I doubt it!” Roman scoffed, still packing up what he considered to be
necessary items.
“Mike… can we move him…. Is he going to be alright?” Marlena asked, still holding John’s hand as he slept, blessedly unaware of the unrest
going on around him.
Mike was in the process of examining the man again, his face relating his concern… “I don’t know… I did want to get him to the hospital…”
“But what, Mike? What are you worried about?” interrupted Lexie, her own doctor’s instincts kicking in rapidly.
“Rushing…. I’m worried about what the stress could do to him…. But, I guess we really don’t have much of a choice, now do we?”
Abe answered that time, having begun to follow suit with Roman and pack up the guns and ammunition they’d been able to accumulate. “No, I’m afraid not, Mike… we can’t stay here and risk that Dan has already revealed our location to those.. bastards…”
“All right… this is what we’re going to do… John will ride in the back seat… I’ll stay next to him, Marlena… you and Carrie can ride in the front.”
“And, I’ll be driving the car,” said Abe with authority. He wasn’t about to let anything else happen to his best friend and two of the people he loved most.
Understanding the situation as it was, Roman nodded and glanced at his younger brother. “We’ll take the other car. Lexie is that okay by you?”
“Of course… Please be careful honey,” she said to her husband, leaning in for a quick kiss… wishing there was time for more. Everything was happening so fast.
Mike was just closing up the cell phone, as he spoke to them of its results, “Okay then… we’re headed into the next county, to a small community hospital there… It’s a well to do area and they’ve got good facilities and it’s also pretty secluded. I know the man who runs the place… he’s going to meet us there. His name is Rick Adams; he’s an Internist and he’s very good; he’ll help us. We go way back… ”
“Great… ”
Marlena was worried… John wasn’t stirring much, even with the jostling of being moved around. “Mike… do you really think John’s going to be alright… that explosion was so…” she said, stroking his slightly sweat dampened hair.. or was his brow wet from fever? She touched his foreheard and it was too warm. It worried her so…
“Violent… I know… Marlena, I won’t lie… I have some concerns… but he’s going to get good care… We’ll know more once we’ve run some tests.”
“Mike, he’s running a fever… ”
“Yes… all right then… the sooner we get going the better. Are we ready?” Mike asked the others, wanting to get his patient to a place where he could be better treated.
“Yep… let’s go….” Answered Bo, Roman, and Abe simultaneously, followed by three slightly embarrassed smiles. The group divided up as previously discussed and in moments were off on the next leg of their adventure. Marlena sat down in the front seat, but immediately turned toward her love, prepared to watch him every second of their journey. He was starting to make noise, groaning and muttering in his sleep…Mike was taking his temperature and grimaced at the result.. So, the fever was rising… why? Was his body was fighting off some infection…or was it even more serious… Marlena felt the adrenaline coursing through her veins as Mike shared the number with her… “It’s 103 and climbing…” he said, sounding concerned.
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The trip was long and arduous. There were a multitude of transportation methods, including hitchhiking for a brief period, rented cars, trains, and planes as well, but at last he had made his way to the hallowed halls of that fortress in Langley, Virginia. Looking at the place that looked so innocuous but in reality was more like a fortress than any
castle ever built, he took a deep breath and gave himself a pep talk, ‘Okay, Dan… don’t blow this… you’ve only got one shot at this thing!’ He slipped his electronic key card into the slot and awaited the voice recognition check, followed immediately by the retina scan.
‘Whew.. they hadn’t locked him out of the system yet… a potentially costly oversight… Once inside, the internal dialogue continued onward, ‘Whoa, are you lucky, Dan… they haven’t officially made you persona non grata just yet… but you better work fast, pal or you’re a dead man and the others are still in incredible danger. Alright now, where
would Roman hide a roll of film?’ Slipping quietly toward the records section, he was able to avoid the surveillance cameras so he could make his way there undetected. It worked and he was able to get inside the room without being seen or captured on video. ‘Think.. if men were coming….you have to hurry… where would you put it? It came to him immediately when he was standing at the filing cabinet that once housed the files in question.
Glancing downward, he saw it… Roman had spotted an opening underneath one the cabinets, and pushed the film canister through it…Shining the penlight into that small opening, Dan saw it… and sighed with relief… Placing the flashlight strategically, he reached in with the all purpose gadget he carried whenever he was trying to get into tiny places. This particular item was like a pair of tongs and he slipped them in and snagged the film in one swift motion, quickly placing the roll on a chain that went around his neck… His eyes fell upon the file cabinet and he wondered. ‘The John Black Files,’ he mused. They weren’t there anymore. That was as sure a bet as there was. Still, he should check…
Slowly, he opened the drawer, and then much to his amazement the files were still there… at least it seemed so…and then all hell broke loose… alarms went off…. Sirens blared and he knew there was no way out… but there was no choice. He had to get that film out of the CIA headquarters and off to Salem or they were all dead, the secret misdeeds remaining buried as they had been for well over a decade now. ‘No, I won’t let it go down that way!’ he vowed and left the room charging for the entrance and his awaiting vehicle, driven by the only person he knew he could trust… his wife’s sister, Cassie. Pulling out his two way radio while at a flat out sprint, he said, “Are you ready to rock and roll, sis?”
“I’m here… just hurry up and get out of there…. The place is going crazy…” she replied, sounding as urgent as he felt.
“Believe me… I’m dancing as fast as I can… I’ll be there in a few more seconds… ” he was saying just as he reached the final barrier… He shot his way out the door and leaped into the car, a classic BMW fixed up for just such an occasion. It screamed out of the area and raced for the gates at speeds that might be considered daring, even on
the Autobon. Dan, part of him amazed by her skills as a driver, was shooting out the surveillance camera’s all the way, his high powered laser pistol easily providing the pinpoint accuracy he needed. They were home free… before anyone could exit the building or figure out exactly what happened. Dan smiled with delighted satisfaction. Obviously,he’d caught them off guard, a rare occurrence in his line of work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the new day was dawning, Dan sighed wearily but with a sense of satisfaction, marveling in all that had transpired over the past seventy-two hours. Miraculously, they had gotten away…. making it safely to the motel they’d reserved in the name of John and Martha Smith, some eighty miles away from the center of government and corrup-
tion. So far, there were no traces of a tail. It was too good to be true, and Dan knew to be on guard at all times. As they hurried inside the relative safety of the room, Dan spoke of his gratitude to his traveling companion, “Cassie, I can’t thank you enough…. You didn’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I did, Dan… I’ve always cared for you… my sister loved you, it’s the least I could do for you and for.. John.”
He smiled… she still wore her heart on her sleeve, “You still care about him, don’t you?”
“Yes… a man like that… he stays with you… maybe forever. I’ll always care about what happens to him. I was angry for a long time after Sarah was killed, like you, but then I realized that it wasn’t his fault.” Those memories were still painful after years had passed. She and her sister were so close, especially when they were growing up.
Every time she looked at a picture of her own son, she wondered what it might have been like had Sarah lived and John stayed a part of her life. They might have raised their families together… Coming out of her silent reverie, she asked a burning question, “Dan, so much has happened to him over the years… do you think he’ll have any memory of me?”
He wished he could tell her differently, but opted for honesty, or partial honesty anyway, “I don’t know, Cass…. What the..company did to him… it messed with his mind. He really doesn’t have much memory of the early years. I’m sorry but I don’t think he’ll remember you. And he’s…”
Chapter 74 (Part 2)
Complications
Knowing what he planned to say, she completed the sentence when he paused, “Married with children, I know…I’ve followed him since he came on the scene after he inherited half of the Alamain fortune. He’s done quite well for himself…”
She was disappointed but always so realistic and practical. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I know that you loved him.”
Blowing out a long breath, she too was truthful, deciding that lies never worked, “I did… but that was a long time ago. I’m over it… I just… care for him so..”
He chuckled… remembering some good times when the four of them were out on a double date. John was so funny… always there with a joke or a comical story to tell… Dan always knew it was a cover for the younger man’s pain and loneliness, but he was good at it. “I know… he kind of gets under you skin, doesn’t he?”
“Yes… he does.. he’s a good man, Dan. Who knows… maybe when this is all over we can all be friends again.”
He blew out a long sigh… guessing that this was the time that he’d always known would come. It was time to tell her what really happened to John Black, the man his sister-in-law loved so dearly.
Sensing that he was troubled by something, Cassie put a hand on Dan’s shoulder and asked about it, “Dan, what is it….”
Shrugging out from under her hand and crossing the room toward the window, he said quietly, “Well, it’s just that… well, it may not be possible.”
“Why.. because he doesn’t remember?” she asked, confused by the change in his demeanor.
He was staring out at the soft array of colors in the sunrise… it looked so peaceful… Wishing he could soak up some of that peace but knowing the peace could only be found in the truth, he took a deep breath to prepare. Dan turned back toward her to begin what wasn’t going to be a pleasant interchange, “No… because of something I did…. A long time ago, something I regret… more than I can ever say, Cassie. I lied to you about what happened to John… and all these years…. I’ve continued to support that lie with more of the same.”
“Dan… what are you saying? What did you lie to me about?”
“I told you that someone betrayed him.. someone blew his cover and then he was captured, right?”
“Right… and that’s true… I know it is…” Suddenly, it occurred to her what her brother-in-law was trying to say… his guilty expression giving it away, ” Dan, are you telling me that you…”
Nodding sadly, he said it, feeling strangely relieved even though it meant he might lose her forever. “I was the one, Cass… I betrayed John… I only pretended to forgive him for Sarah’s death… but I was still so bitter… and missing her so badly… I turned him over to
Stefano myself.”
She was sick to her stomach… “Oh…” She was shocked and hurt and feeling betrayed for herself, for John, even Sarah’s memory. Shaking her head, she exclaimed with a quavering voice, “Oh, my God! All that time…. You…. knew what that… monster was doing to him… that his memories were stolen, his entire life taken away… you KNEW and you let it continue…”
He couldn’t bear to look at her… his head pointed downward, he responded guiltily, “Yes… yes to all of it… I’m so sorry… you can’t know how much, Cassie..” he cried, knowing she would hate him for the rest of her life.
It made her ill… Pacing about the room.. she expressed what it did to her to learn such a hideous truth about him, “My God! I thought that I knew you, Dan… I have known you for more than twenty years. I trusted you implicitly, and I never would have believed that you could be so cruel… so vindictive. He was tortured and beaten… over and over
again… controlled, living the life of someone else… taken away from all the people he loved…. And you knew who he was all along…didn’t you?” Something else made itself clear to her as well… “You’ve been helping them destroy his life this time too… haven’t you? Oh, my God…you were part of it…the drugs that he said were forced on him… you were in on all of it… weren’t you!!”
Shamed engulfed him and he answered truthfully, damning as it was, “Yes…”
It made her want to vomit and run away, as fast and as far as possible.”I’m leaving… right now and I never want to speak to you again! Do you understand me?” She approached the door, carefully, but was prepared to walk out the door within the next few seconds.
Reaching out to stop her, Dan grasped her forearm and pleaded with her, as tears began to fall, “Cassie… please wait… I admitted it… everything you said is true… but I want to help him now.”
She scoffed, “Oh, how nice, did you have a little attack of conscience?My God, Daniel… the hell you put him through… Do you have any idea how terribly he has suffered? How much he’s lost over the years because of what you did?”
It was agony to see the bitter resentment in her brown eyes.. she despised him now, as John did, as Roman did… How far reaching his mistakes had been… “No… but I want to… I want to understand how it’s been, how he feels…I do… I feel horrible about it, Cass… and I want to make things right…I want to help him get his life back.”
She was shaking her head… disgusted with him. “What’s left of it… you mean… It’s been almost fifteen years now, Dan… You make me sick! I can’t even bear to look at you!”
“Yes… it’s too late to make up for what I did.. I realize that.. but I want him to be able to live out the rest of his life with his wife and children in peace and safety, and to have his name cleared. I want to expose everyone who has been a part of the lies and deception… I want to expose the agencies to public scrutiny.. and make them all face
justice for the crimes they committed against him and the Brady family.”
“Justice… Does that include you, Dan?”
He nodded firmly, placing his hands on her shoulders, saying, “Yes, it does… I plan on giving a full confession when this is all over. I’ll turn myself over to the police. Cassie, I swear it… I’m going to help him now… I know I can’t make up for the pain I’ve caused him… but I can give him back his past through the files I’ve kept and I can help secure his future.”
“How noble of you…” she said in disdain, still not convinced he was telling the truth even now.
“Look, I know you’re really angry… You might have had a chance to make a life with him, if I hadn’t been for me… I’m sorry…. ”
Even that made her mad. How dare he assume that of her, “You think I’m so petty as to think of myself… after all the pain he endured… ”
“No… I think you’re human… and you just found out that the man you loved was stolen from you by someone you trusted.. You have to know that I hated that part of it.. even then, as blind as I was with rage… I thought about you, Cassie… but I did it anyway. If you want to hate me… you go right ahead. It’s well deserved and I’m getting used to it
about now.”
“I really should you know… ”
“Yes… but you don’t, do you?”
“God help me… no I don’t… but you *will* pay for this. Now was not the time for that, however. Instead, it was time to figure out what they could do to help her old lover reclaim as much of his life as he possibly could. Forcing down the rage and the pondering she’d been doing about ‘what might have been,’ she sounded very business like. “So, provided I agree to continue working with you… what’s the next
step, Dan?”
“Alright… I promise you won’t regret this Cassie… I swear it on my life..” he added passionately.
Leaning toward him, her expression very sober, she issued a warning, “And, I swear to you… if you’re lying to me… and you hurt him again… I’ll come after you myself… and you know what a good shot I am… because you and John taught me very well.”
Despite the tension, Dan smiled on the memory of the four of them at the firing range, Cassie out shooting the two of them one night. “Yes I do… you’re the best, Cass… I know when I’ve met my match… This is for real. I promise… we’re going to help John. I need you to go and retrieve some of my files for me. I’ve got them stashed at a storage
facility about twenty-five miles closer to DC from here. What do you say?”
“Records.. what kind of records?”
“Records that will incriminate me and the others involved in the plot to ruin John’s life. I’d go myself except that they’ll be looking for me. I was hoping you could go there and open up an account… then slip into my storage compartment and get the records. They’re all on a disk I have stashed… plus, I have some of the hard copies there. I’d like
to have the most damaging files, the ones that will fill in the gaps for John, and get them to a place of safety… namely with John and Marlena and their friends. Are you with me?”
She agonized over the decision, wondering whether she could trust him in this… Could it be yet another trap he was setting for John? She searched his dark eyes…. No, he was being sincere this time… he had to be… she couldn’t have been that wrong about him… Sarah couldn’t have loved him if he were that evil. Finally, Cassie replied and he sighed with an overwhelming sense of relief as she said the words he longed to hear, “Yes, I’m with you… Just tell me where I need to go and which files you want…..”
Chapter 75 (part 1)
Plans and Schemes and Ways and Means
Peter Blake was livid. The plans they’d made were shot all to hell. They had no idea where Roman Brady was, Marlena Evans had escaped as well, and had presumably gone into hiding as expected, possibly with the help of her friends Abe and Lexie Carver. In addition Dan Heckman, the renegade agent, had left the company of his own accord and was currently on the loose somewhere in Virginia, presumably with some kind of damning evidence he’d collected over the years, unbeknownst to his superiors. The only good thing to come out of the whole sorry scheme was the fact that John Black was dead and soon to be buried, the city of Salem in mourning for him. With expert manipulation of the facts, it was possible the other situations could be contained and the secrets of the past remain buried with him. Just in case, Peter made it a point to rid his home of any evidence that could conceivably link him to the others involved. All documentation related to the John Black Files, written or computer stored, was removed from his home over a 24 hour period.
With a few hours to contemplate his reaction, Peter came to realize his ultimate goal had been achieved. All that remained was to focus on his business ventures, conducting himself as if totally unaffected by the controversy that surrounded the man who killed his father. When the press came knocking on his door, as they inevitably would, Peter thought he might say something to the effect that perhaps fate had seen that justice was served since the legal system had not done so. But no more than that. John Black had indeed suffered greatly in the year before his death and that had to be enough. Letting it go now was the best strategy. The renegade members of the Military, CIA and ISA were left to clean up the mess they’d made. He was out of it for good and he knew Stefano would have been proud of him.
Once again, Peter Blake picked up the framed photo that sat on his desk and spoke to the man in the picture as if he were there. “Father… I did it… Black is dead, and he suffered right up to the end.” Laughing out loud, Peter recounted the story…” It must have been horrible for him, not knowing if his *beloved* Marlena was alright, humiliated in the eyes of the world, being thought of as an emotionally unbalanced drug addict, bearing the condemnation of most of the people who supposedly loved him for kidnapping Roman Brady. And then.. in the ultimate act of irony… he died an agonizing death Stefano, burning up in that limo with everyone believing he was attempting to escape justice for his crime. It couldn’t have ended much better if we had planned the whole scenario ourselves.” After finishing his talk, Peter chose the best bottle of Brandy he owned and poured himself a drink… “To you, Father… may you now rest in peace, knowing your greatest enemy has died a horrible death and will be remembered in disgrace. Cheers!”
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Caroline Brady was watching the news report for about the tenth time, wondering how it was that God seemed to let some people suffer so much more than others, when they were so clearly doing their best to live a good life. ‘How could John be dead? And where are Roman and Marlena… I just can’t believe all these horrible things can keep appening to our family. Oh.. John… I loved you like a son… but I didn’t know how to help you through this past year… Dear God… he was hurting so much… and those terrible men were trying to ruin his life… and now they’ve killed him. It’s just not fair God! It’s not fair!’
Lost in anguished thought, Caroline didn’t hear the phone ringing until her husband picked it up, “Brady Pub… ”
His eyes went open wide and his jaw dropped down when he heard the familiar voice, “Pop… it’s me… please don’t talk, just listen. I’m okay, so is Marlena… and John’s alive. He’s.. hurt.. but Mike’s here and he’s going to take care of everything. Bo, Carrie, Abe and Lexie are here too and we’re all safe. It’s a long story…but we’re going to try to find a way to get at least some of us back to Salem tomorrow morning, but we need you to do something… We need you and Ma to plan a funeral for John… and it has to look real… can you do it?”
The first thought was that Roman was alright -the rest was overwhelming. “Oh son, I’m so glad ta hear your voice. We were so worried about ya!”
Roman hated to discount the anguish his parents had endured for all of them, but there just wasn’t ample time to deal with the emotional impact of the situation. With a weary sigh, Roman cut his father off, “Pop… I’m sorry.. there’s just no time to talk about that now… can you do it?”
Gathering his wits, he choked back the powerful feelings and answered positively, “Yes.. we can do it, son… please give everyone our love.And, son.. please come home soon…”
Gosh it felt good to be so loved… “We will, Pop… as soon as it’s safe, we’ll all be back.. and we’ll explain everything as soon as we can, I promise.”
“Godspeed…son,” Shawn Brady said as he hung up the phone to look at a wide eyed Caroline. “So, tell me what he said, Shawn! What’s going on?”
“Alright…but ya best be sittin down.. It was very brief, but Roman said that he and Marlena are safe. They’re with Abe and Lexie Carver, Carrie, Bo and Mike. And Caroline, he gave me the best news of all. John is alive… our other son is alive, after all!”
She felt her insides tremble with joy and relief combined and her voice was thick with those emotions, as tears sprang to her eyes, “Oh, Shawn.I wish I could see him… I wish we could see them all. When are they coming home?”
“I don’t know… I can only guess that they’re trying to find a way to expose those horrible people who’ve been trying to ruin John’s life… I’m sure it’s all connected to the past, but that’s all I know. Roman said they would come home when it was safe.”
‘Oh, I hope that’s soon… Shawn, at the end, I could tell he asked you to do something… what was it?”
It was so strange to think that moments earlier they were contemplating this very issue, only as grieving parents.. and now it would be an act meant to persuade others. “Well, he wants us to plan a funeral for John.and it has to look real so we cannot let on that we know he’s alive. Do you think you’re up to it, Caroline? Being with everyone else who
thinks he died in that explosion?”
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, imagining the emotional scenes with crying friends, yet knowing there was a strength that came from up above her. “If it helps keep him safe until they can expose thosemonsters and have them arrested, I can do anything, Shawn.”
With a broadening smile, he thought of who he might call for such a production, “Alright then, we’ll give Johnny the best damn funeral and wake this town has ever seen. I know the O’ Brien’s so well, they’ll go right along with me as long as I promise to give em a keg of beer from the party we’ll be having when it’s all over and done with.”
She laughed at the thought. “Yes they always did know how to throw quite a rousing wake didn’t they?
We’ll have a grand one, won’t we dear? Knowing that our Johnny hasn’t really passed on to heaven… Thanks be to God for that… and we’ll have another party to celebrate his homecoming, along with Marlena, Roman and everyone else we love.”
Another thought occurred right on that one’s tail, “Shawn, we better try to get some rest. I would be willing to bet that the reporters are going to be here before dawn, shoving those cameras in our faces and asking for a statement.”
A sigh of indescribable emotion escaped his mouth…Nodding, he agreed sadly, “You’re right about that… I forgot… they’ll be askin if we think John’s death is related to Roman and Marlena’s disappearance… they’ll be wanting some kind of a story from us. We etter decide what that is and stick to it … maybe then they’ll let it go for a bit…”
he finished, trying to sound hopeful.
She shook her head and leaned her elbows on the bar, dreading that moment of confrontation more with each passing second. They’d been so cruel to John, gleefully trading on his misfortune for months, and now they would seek to use even his death for their selfish gain. “Those vultures… they never let things go… but you’re right, Shawn, we do need to decide what we’re going to say about all of it.”
Shawn was quiet for a moment, contemplative… then he shared his idea, “Okay, what about this? I’ll tell them that Marlena needed some time away from everything and she went to visit a friend and we’re in the process of contacting her. When it comes to John’s death…we’ll appear to be devastated, like we were when we believed it to be so… We’ll just tell them that the police are saying there was an escape attempt and John was killed, but we aren’t sure what to think as yet. When they ask when she’s coming back to Salem, we’ll say that as far as we know, Marlena will be home soon to help with the service and mourn the death of her husband while surrounded by her family and friends. And at the end, we’ll say that Roman’s kidnapping is still unexplained, but that we don’t believe that John had anything to do with it, no matter what the evidence seems to indicate.” His wife wasn’t saying anything at first and he wondered if he’d rambled on too long… “Well, what do you think, Caroline?”
“I think…it’s.. perfect,” she replied, deciding that it was simple but complete and if they said it often enough the reporters would get tired of hearing the same lines and go off in search of other angleselsewhere. “Hopefully, we won’t have to carry on the act for very long. I hope they’ve got a plan to expose and then capture those terrible people who have hurt John and Marlena so much.”
“I hope so… and I’ll be wanting to know what Roman’s part in it was,
whether he was in on it as John said he was…”
She was shaking her head again… “No, I don’t think so, Shawn… The last time I talked to Bo… he led me to believe that Roman was forced to do some of the things he did to John… that he wasn’t totally responsible for what happened.”
“I hope to God that’s true and that both of them are alright now… or there may never be healing in this family, Caroline… ”
“I know, Shawn. John was so angry… so hurt when we didn’t believe him about what happened in the warehouse. It took a long time for him to accept it when I tried to assure him that our love for him was every bit as strong and deep as the love we feel toward Roman…”
“I know that all too well. Caroline.. I know we haven’t really talked about this but.. .John… he’s always felt that our love changed when Roman came back… that we loved him less… somehow. And then when he and Marlena were finally married, I could see him accepting it. But afterhe was drugged and beaten and we hesitated to support him… I think it brought back all that pain.”
“Yes… and when this is all over, I hope we can… sit down with both of them… and help them…resolve their differences and come to some understanding of how important they both are to us… how much we love them. Do you think that’s really possible, Shawn?”
Taking her slender hand in his he said what he was hoping to have take place when the ordeal was finished. “Oh, Caroline… I hope so. There’s been far too much sufferin’ in this family already. It’s time for some rejoicing… and we’ll do whatever we can to get all our boys to join together… like brothers should.”
She nodded and wrapped her arms around the burly chest of the man she loved, glad for his strength and his belief in the power of family ties. “You know… when you say it, I truly believe that it can happen, Shawn Brady. I love you so very much.. ”
“And, I love you, my lady fair… Now, come on… let’s go on up to bed, and I’ll be showin’ you just how much..” he said, stepping away from the bar and holding out his hand for her to take, planning to show her that love in action once again.
Caroline sighed with a sense of peace she dearly needed. “Oh, please do” she said with a smile that took years off her face in his eyes harking back to the early days of their time together. Their love was strong and true and it had endured many a trial and it was at times like these they most needed to feel that strength, to lay with each other in
their marriage bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cassie Beck drove along the windy road toward the storage facilities Dan had directed her to find, looking in her rearview mirror almost obsessively. She heard echoes from the past John’s voice and Dan’s mixed together in the kind of warning words she knew she’d never forget. “You can never be too careful. Anybody you see could be someone who’s just waiting to blow your cover or take you out. In this business you can never let your guard down not even for a second.” She followed that advice and made it safely to the Lock-It-Up-Safe storage place on rural route 50. Climbing out of her Chevrolet, she glanced around to ensure no one had followed or was watching from a distance. There was no one in sight and she breathed a sigh of relief as she approached the office.
At the last second, she realized that she was better off if she had no contact with anyone at the place, so she turned around and headed on back to Dan’s unit, making it look as though she’d forgotten something. In a matter of minutes, she had opened the door to the unit Dan was renting and was standing at the far wall, looking through the boxes as Dan told her to do. She was to take the black files and the red ones. ‘How clever,’ she thought.’ The first were the ones recounting John’s history and the set up for him to enter the field of international espionage. The red were the ones that held the most damaging material, the most detailed in their description of what was done to John Black and Roman Brady over the past fifteen years or so. She wanted to read them but she knew she could waste no time. As quickly as humanly possible she rifled through all the boxes to get the color coded files and then snagged the photo box dated 1980-1990.
Cassie, wanting to recall the old days simply couldn’t resist taking a peek at the photos… When the cover was off she instantly realized what she should have known all along, that these weren’t pictures kept for fun and good memories… and the bile rose up from deep inside. “Oh..my God! John… what was done to you… and Roman Brady.. Oh, Dan… I swear.. you should pay for your part in this… I know my sister loved you…but this is… unforgivable… Thank God she never knew…”
Slamming the lid back on the box, hot tears streaming down the length of her cheeks, she gathered the files under the other arm and headed out to the car. She was taking the most pertinent, most damning material in making a case against the men who’d systematically worked to destroy John Black’s life over the past year. The rest of it was meant to give John back his life history. They couldn’t return or replace the years he’d lost or make up for the pain he’d suffered but they could give him the assurance that the men who had stolen his life from him would face justice, and he could live in peace for the rest of his days. She sighed with the hollow satisfaction of knowing it was the best anyone could do at this point.
Chapter 75 (Part 2)
Plans and Schemes and Ways and Means
Dan was in the motel room pacing back and forth, worried about some-thing happening to his sister-in-law and berating himself for ever involving her in his problems or his attempts to redeem himself in some small way. “Good one, Heckman… drag Cassie into it and get her to do your dirty work… Get another innocent person hurt.. or worse! Damn.. what was I thinking!” he yelled as he continued making a visible path on the carpet. Three hours later, he thought he heard the car. Peering between the blinds, he saw that it was her and he breathed out a long sigh of immense relief. Glancing skyward, he did something he rarely ever did… he prayed, folding his hands together in a gesture of reverence. “Thank you, God… thank you so much for getting her back
here safe and sound. From here on out… she’s going to stay that way. I’m in this on my own now.”
Cassie looked around her car before getting out of it and then proceeded to cover the items with a blanket. After speaking to Dan, she would learn what would happen next; therefore she thought it best not to take everything out of the car just yet.
In a few seconds, she was at the door and he was greeting her with a huge hug. “Oh, Dan… you were worried about me.. I’m touched, really,” she said with a tone that belied sarcasm, as she stepped across the threshold.
“Hey… I was really worried and I’m so glad to know that you made it back here safely.” He watched her, cognizant of the reality that she’d probably reviewed some of the files while driving or maybe… looked at the pictures. He swallowed hard and waited for her to reveal which it was.
“Well, I wish you could have found some of that concern for John… you know.. when you lied to him… when you made him believe you had forgiven him for what happened to Sarah.. when you let him be taken by Stefano…knowing he would be beaten and tortured! When you let him be brainwashed and forced to live someone else’s life… Where was your compassion then, Dan… you son of a bitch!” she screamed as her hand reached out to slap his face.
Rubbing his right cheek which smarted, he made no attempt to defend his actions, “Cassie… I know that what I did was *so* wrong and I’m doing the only thing I know to do to make up for it in some small way.”
Suddenly, his sister-in-law erupted on him, feeling the nausea rise up even as she contemplated what she planned to remind him about. Her eyes were filled with rage for what had been done to men who didn’t deserve what they endured, as she reached inside her jacket pocket. “Make up for it… make up for it!” She pulled out a photograph and held it out for him to see, “Dan… I want you to look at this picture… LOOK at the agony in his face… see the fear and the pain he’s in… Memorize this picture of John…. And this one of Roman…” she added, revealing the other one she’d taken for this purpose. “See how they suffered… Dan, there IS no MAKING UP for this kind of pain! You make me sick! I thought I knew you… but I never knew you at all and I NEVER want to see you again!” With that she stormed out of the motel room, slamming
the door, leaving him with the pictures to haunt his nightly dreams and hopefully his days as well. What she didn’t know is that some of those pictures had been doing so for more than a decade. For some reason, it took the reality of being ordered to kill his one time best friend, for the sorrow to reach his heart.
Dan regained his equilibrium and chased after her, concerned that she’d be seen and whatever was left to do ruined if she were. “Cassie, wait!Please don’t go… Cassie!” he yelled, but she kept on walking. Dan ran after her, catching her near the motel office. Grabbing her arm, he turned her around to face him, “Cassie… listen to me. I need your
help to make this happen… I need to get to a place where I can buy a cheap car… one they can’t trace to me…Please… I have to get to Philly.. there’s a reporter there… he’s been working with me on this thing.. He’s going to help me expose those other bastards…”
She looked away, pulling roughly from his grasp, “I don’t know. I can’t even bear to look at you, Dan… knowing what you’ve done. I loved him, Dan…I really loved him! I know he was on the move and he had reser-vations about making any commitments because of the work he was doingand because of his faith… but he cared… and he was your *best*
friend… How could you do it?”
“I don’t know, Cass… I don’t know! I was… crazy…and blind with grief… I was out of my head… I just.. acted on the rage I felt about losing Sarah and I wanted him to suffer too… I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t ! I know that… I just want.. to do…
whatever I can now… to help him get his life back.”
She stood there staring at him in the light of the street lamps, searching for the sincerity she needed to see… “Alright… I’ll help you get the car… and then I’m going home.. but I’m warning you… if you’re lying to me… I have reporter friends and cops too… lots of
them, Dan…”
“That won’t be necessary. I’m going to the national press with this… My buddy…he’s connected with the networks and we’re going to blow this thing wide open… Cassie, I promise you that in less than 24 hours this story is going to be all over the country! Television, the Internet…newspapers, magazines, radio… everything! And every man
who had a hand in their suffering is going to pay for what they’ve done.I swear it, Cass!”
At last, she believed him… her sigh told the story before she replied, “Okay… let’s go then…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Peter was still reveling in his success at taking out John Black when a desperate call came in on his cell phone, his back up line. The caller wasted no time whatsoever, “Peter, listen, it’s me. Everything’s gone south… get out of there…. Get out of the country, now!”
“Jack… why are you panicked… Black’s dead… it’s going to be okay, isn’t it?”
“No… no it’s not okay! Even with Black being dead… we’re all going down. I don’t know how, but Dan got away…. he had some help and he’s got some records… and they’re about to see the light of day. As far as I can tell he’s holed up somewhere.. we can’t find him and the big three are planning to run spots on tomorrow’s news. The papers won’t
be far behind… Rumor has it, Heckman had some very damaging stuff.Peter, we’re all going down once that information is out there.”
“Oh, Jack… how in the world did you let this happen! How in the hell did he get the chance to keep incriminating records on the operation?”
“I don’t know… but I’m telling you one more thing… he’s a dead man!”
“Great… just add another murder to the charges. Sounds like a terrificidea to me!”
“At this point, I don’t give a damn what else happens. Heckman is deadone way or the other..”
“Yea, okay… do what you have to do… I’ll be at the South American compound… call me there.. on this cell.”
“Alright… I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going.”
“You do that… Damnit, Jack… I thought you said you had this whole thing under control!”
Jack Henderson hated himself for what was happening, but he hated the other man even more and he would get his revenge or die trying. “I did,before Dan betrayed the mission, the agency and everything it stood for. He’s going to pay for this…he’s going to suffer pain like he never knew, and then he’s going to die!”
Peter was disgusted… thinking he should never have trusted in it… “Yea… little good it’ll do… Goodbye, Jack!” he said harshly, ending the call abruptly. “Have fun, buddy…” he said to himself as he headed toward the rear entrance of the Mansion… powering up the cell phone again.. “Johnson… I want a car at the rear entrance and ready the helicopter. Have them prepare the Lear Jet… I’ll be leaving the country tonight.” He paused for a response and his irritation was evident when he replied to the question he was asked, “Yes, right now… and I’ll tell them where when I get there!” There would be no more contact between he and Jack Henderson, for he was definitely not going to South America and the cell phone would soon be eliminated. Whatever happened in the
aftermath of the plot to destroy John Black’s life, Peter Blake would disappear without a trace and sit back to watch the fallout in the media blitz that was sure to follow the impending exposure of said plot.
Chapter 76
Closer to the End?
Finally, they had arrived at the small community hospital where John could be more thoroughly examined and the proper tests run on his battered body. The explosion was a very powerful one… and they needed to know all of its affects. Marlena watched as her husband was placed on the gurney, the jostling arousing him slightly. Groaning, he clutched at his mid-section, obviously in significant pain as they moved him. “Doc…” he called out, not fully aware of his circumstances or surroundings, but automatically seeking the comforting presence of the woman who was his lifeline.
“I’m right here… it’s okay, John… they’re taking you down to x-ray, honey… ” she said, giving his hand a gentle reassuring squeeze before he was wheeled away.
“Okay… love you, Doc…” he said before fading out again. He’d been in and out of consciousness and it was starting to worry her.
“Mike, he’s been coming in and out like this for awhile now….what do you make of it?”
“It’s the trauma… he’s fighting off shock… I think it’s catching up with him… we need to work fast here… I’m going to follow him to some of the tests… and get the lab work done asap.”
“Thank you… thank you so much… he seems to be in more pain than he was… and that worries me too,” she was saying as she watched the gurney being guided down the hallway.
“Me too… I think we’ve got a lot more going on than just a bump on the head and a few deep bruises.”
“Mike, what do you think… I mean… what do your instincts tell you?”
He blew out the breath he’d been holding, knowing she’d ask that question, “Marlena, you know I don’t like to make guesses… but I’m thinking he’s got at least a moderate concussion, some broken or cracked ribs, and possibly some internal injuries that we’re finally seeing the symptoms of now…”
She nodded, having made the same assessment, “What about his spleen?”
“It’s a possibility I’ve considered… Look, Marlena… I promise… as soon as I know something definitive… I’ll let you know..” he said, in a hurry to get to his work on John’s behalf.
“Thank you.. we’ll all be waiting in the lounge…” she said, glancing toward the room where the others had been ushered for privacy.
Twenty or thirty minutes later, Marlena was pacing, trying not to worry too much, as was Bo, while Abe, Lexie, Roman and Carrie sat watching them and sharing the same concerns.
“Man…this waiting is making me nuts… when’s Mike going to tell us something?” Bo asked, feeling the frustration mount.
Marlena reacted instantly, sharing his anxiety, “Oh Bo… I hope he’s alright. I’m getting a little… scared.”
Roman stood up, hoping to give her some encouragement by sharing his recollection of the events of the evening. “Me too, Marlena… I saw what the limo looked like afterward it’s hard to believe anyone could have survived, being anywhere near a blast like that… and walked away from it the way John did… He’s one very tough guy… and he’s going
to make it.. you have to believe that!”
Roman placed his arms around her, willing her to take strength in his embrace. She only nodded as tears flowed down her already moist red cheeks wishing she could have his confidence… John was looking much too pale, his color fading during the ride to the hospital, his pulse growing weaker, his skin cool and moist… as if he were emorrhaging internally. She feared the worst as the waiting continued.
Seemingly in the next instant, Mike Horton poked his head in the door and wasted no time on small talk, “Marlena… I have some news… John needs immediate surgery. It’s as we thought.. he’s bleeding internallyand we believe his spleen has ruptured… We’re going to operate… right away. I’ll be assisting. He’s being prepped for surgery even as
we speak.”
Somehow, she hadn’t been prepared to hear that, some part of her mind denying the seriousness of the situation, “Oh… oh, my God… Mike… what else… what else did you find?” she asked, her hands going to her mouth, as if that gesture could contain her fears.
“He’s got a concussion, a couple of badly cracked ribs… and more cuts and bruises than anyone could count. He’s lucky to be alive right now after what he’s been through… and I have to believe that his stubborn-ness will continue to keep him alive.”
With more tears brimming in her frightened eyes, she followed him out into the corridor and to the nurse’s station where the consent forms were awaiting her signature. When the task was completed, she asked the question Mike new was coming, so he cut her off at the pass, “Yes you can see him… but only for a minute… time is of the essence. Come with me, Marlena.”
She understood… she just wanted her husband’s last thoughts before fading into a drugged state of unconsciousness to be about their love and about her need for him. She wanted him to know just how much there was to live for so that he would fight for his life. “I know, just for a minute.”
Mike guided her to the room where the anesthesia was being administered,his body now clothed in a standard hospital issue gown and draped with a sheet. Lying there so still and silent, with IV’s in his arms, a nasal canula in place, giving him extra oxygen, he looked so vulnerable, so much in need of love and tenderness…. “John.. honey… can you hear me?”
He nodded slightly, turning his head in the direction of the sound, and tried to speak, but everything was moving in slow motion. It was confusing and a little frightening, but to hear her voice was always so comforting. Instead of talking, he struggled to open his eyes for her. When he did, he peered up into moist pools of hazel and saw her smile.
“Hey you… I just wanted to let you know… how much I love you.. and that I’ll be with you…. Always.”
“Hmm….” It was all that he could say, the drugs taking a stronghold, making him numb and so sleepy… and then she took his hand in hers, bringing it to her mouth for a soft kiss… “Always… with you too” he finally uttered with great effort between slow labored breaths, before closing his eyes involuntarily. The last words he heard before the darkness claimed him completely were, “John… you’re going to make it… you’re going to have surgery and you’re going to be just fine. I know you are. Our love will give you the strength to recover.” That was all he needed. She believed with all her heart that he would be okay, and it dispelled any doubts he might have had.
Mike had hung back as long as possible, said in the next second, “It’s time, now…… we have to operate right away, Marlena… ”
“Okay… I guess I should try to reach Shawn and Caroline now… and the twins… ”
“Marlena… let the others help you with that… you have enough to deal with right now… don’t you think?” the young doctor said, placing a hand on her shoulder briefly.
She smiled weakly and nodded her head as a fearful but appreciative sigh escaped, “Yes, I suppose you’re right, I do… thank you.”
“Don’t mention it…” Seeing the fear in her eyes, he sought to reassure her, “Marlena… he’s strong… and he’s a fighter.. he didn’t get all the way to the safe house… without a heck of a lot of stubborn determination. He’s going to make it through this too… ”
” I know he’s strong, Mike… but what if he’s used that strength up… what if he’s too weak now… to survive the surgery… what if he’s lost too much blood?”
“Marlena… don’t borrow trouble… now, I really have to go… I’ve got an important life to save… go on back with the others and I’ll see you as soon as we’re finished in the OR, okay?”
“Okay… you’re right… I need to stay positive here….”
Mike didn’t reply, simply turning away and rushing off down the hallway to catch up with his patient. Time was most definitely of the essence in John’s case. He very well could bleed to death without prompt action to stop the internal flow of life sustaining fluid inside the abdominal cavity, not to mention the problems caused by the ruptured spleen.
Marlena walked toward the waiting area with slow heavy steps, dreading the next few hours. Waiting was agony, the worst part of dealing with serious illness and injury. It took every ounce of energy she had to stepthrough the door to the lounge where her friends were awaiting some news of John’s condition.
“Marlena… did you get to see him? Did he say anything? Does he know what’s happening?” three different people asked at nearly the same time.
Her response was delayed as she reviewed the brief but vital contact withher husband, “Yes, I got to see him… no he didn’t say much of anything.And no, I don’t think he really knows what’s happening to him right now. He was in pain and sedated, not to mention the internal bleeding taking its toll. But, I think he knew I was with him and that it made some difference going into surgery.”
Abe spoke this time, taking her left hand in his right, “Well, that’s what matters most, Marlena… you know he’s tough….and he’s going to pull through this….like Roman said… John didn’t make it this far without a reason.”
She nodded and took a deep breath, holding it for a moment and then letting it, wanting with all her heart to believe that assessment. Her hands went to her mouth again as she labored to force the fear down to a manageable level. Finally, when she felt she could speak without crying, she asked for help, “Could someone please call Shawn and Carolineand let them know what’s happening?”
Roman answered, realizing that he was the senior Brady representative, “I will, Doc… I spoke to them earlier…. This will be quite a shock though… maybe we should wait until we know something more about how he’s going to do…”
Again she nodded, thinking it through before responding in agreement, “Okay… you’re probably right… they’ll just worry.. maybe it would be better if we wait until after the surgery.”
“Marlena, John is going to be alright. He has so much to live for and he’s not going to give up, you know that,” Carrie said, struggling to hold the tears at bay. She sensed Marlena needed her to be strong this time and so she was working hard at it, approaching the slightly trembling form of the woman she loved like a mother.
Marlena nodded and melted into Carrie’s slender arms, holding on tight,willing herself to be optimistic about John’s chances for survival and recovery.
Bo couldn’t resist commenting this time, “Carrie’s right. Now come on everybody, let’s all think positive right now,” Lexie added her two cents as well, “That’s right. John needs us to have faith. He’s going to be alright, Marlena.”
Roman decided that the others could handle the situation while he triedto find out what was happening with the larger picture. Tugging at Abe’s suit coat, he said, “Abe.. I’m going to make some calls .. see if I can figure out what’s going on out there.. I have a few loyal contacts and I’m gonna use em. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Roman.. are you sure that’s wise? What if someone gives you up…”
“Not possible. I’ll be very careful about what I say, Abe.. don’t worry. I just want to know what happened with Dan.. where he went.. what he’s doing.”
“Alright. I trust your judgement but…” Everything had changed so fast. He wanted to believe Roman was fully in John’s corner but he couldn’t be absolutely certain. It showed in his questioning eyes.
Seeing the doubt, Roman replied what went unspoken, saying, “Abe, listen to me. I have told you everything I know… I was set up … I was used and I admit that I was there in that warehouse. I take responsibility for forcing John’s addiction.. I do.. but I wasn’t in
complete control of my actions… you have to believe me.”
Nodding his head, he heaved a heavy sigh, wishing it were a simple matter to regain that same level of trust, “I do Roman, it’s just that… well, he’s been through so much and if anything else…”
Placing a hand on his buddy’s upper arm, Roman looked his friend straight in the face and made his case, “Abe, I swear to you I want to help him now. I want them to pay for what they did to all of us.John is my friend and I won’t let him down. I promise you that much, partner.”
Abe nodded, believing the expression of sincerity he saw in Roman’s brown eyes… “Okay…. Do what you have to do… I’m going to stay with Marlena and Carrie…they need all the support and encouragement they can get right now.”
“Yea they do… thanks, Abe…for believing in me.. I’ll let you know when I have something concrete on this thing.” Abe only nodded and went back inside the lounge. Roman lingered by the door for a moment longer, peering inside to the trembling Marlena… being held by Carrie, the two of them flanked by Lexie and Bo… “Oh, Doc… I remember when you loved you me that much… when you worried for me like that… and I wish… No, stop it, Roman… those days are over, he added, berating himself for becoming distracted. “And right now, you’ve got to concentrate on taking down the bastards who caused all of this…” At last, he turned away and headed toward a private alcove he’d spotted on the way into the hospital. He pulled out the cell phone and made the first call. He didn’tthink the man would answer, but he heard his partner’s voice almost immediately, “Hello..” said the man cautiously, wondering to himself who it could be.
“Dan… ” Roman said, sounding very surprised.
“Roman? Oh, man… am I glad to hear your voice… you’re not going to believe what’s happening right now!” Dan said excitedly.
“Try me… where the hell are you, Dan! And you better be trying to help or you’re a dead man… for a lot of reasons.”
“I know that… and believe me, I am… Roman, I skipped out to go get some of my records and find that film you were talking about… I got it, Roman… I’ve got everything and I’m on my way to a TV studio in Philly… we’re going live on all three networks at dawn. This story’s about to break big time!”
“No, Dan.. you can’t do that! Not yet..”
“Why the hell not!”
“Because… we’re going to lose Blake if we go public…”
“Roman… I hate to say it…but he’s already gone by now… you know that. Soon as he heard about John, his bags were packed. And you know Jack would have called him when their plans started going sour. My guess is he’s already on his way out of the country.”
Roman blew out a long breath and sat down on one of the chairs in the small waiting area, cognizant that Dan was probably correct… “Damn… yea… you’re probably right about that. But he wants revenge… and once he finds out that John is still alive, he’s going to come gunning for him again, hell bent on finishing the job. I was hoping we could end the whole thing here and now.”
“Me too, Roman, but at least the truth will come out and John can have his past back. We’ll work on getting Peter another time. He’ll lay low for awhile… and then we’ll nail him when he tries to make a move again.”
“We…. What’s all this we stuff… you’re probably going to do some time, too you know… I thought you realized that, Dan…”
“Well, yea… I uh… I did… but there are some things…some things you don’t know, Roman…”
“Oh, yea… like what for instance?” Roman asked, more than curious.
“I can’t tell you everything right now… I’ll let you know later on.Listen, I’ll be at station WKLM… in Philly at about 5:00am and I’ll stay in touch…”
“Alright.. but there’s something you should know, Dan… John.. he’s in pretty rough shape… Seems the explosion caused more damage than we all thought at first. John’s been bleeding internally all this time and they’re going to remove his spleen and try to stop the bleeding.”
A wave of fear washed over him. “Oh, man! I thought he was okay… just a little banged up… ”
“Me too.. we all did…but it’s a lot more serious…. If you think of it… toss up a prayer to the Big Guy… it won’t do much good for you to expose these sick monsters if John dies before he’s vindicated… ”
Dan was shaking his head, unwilling to acknowledge even the possibility, “No… that’s not going to happen, Roman… that *won’t* happen… I’ll be in Philadelphia really soon.”
“Okay… I’m counting on you, Dan… I swear if you’re lying to me…”
“I’m not lying Roman… I have all kinds of evidence on this operation and on the agency’s history.. with you and John… the pictures will help too… I’m sure of it! Roman, I’m blowing this thing wide open… and John *will* get his life back… if I have to die trying…”
“I believe you, Dan… I really do… please… don’t let them stop you.No matter what you have to do… get this story told on the air… John deserves that much… whatever else happens to him. He deserves to have his name cleared and to see the people who robbed him of so much suffer the consequences for their actions.”
“I know… that’s why I’m doing this Roman… I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Fair enough… I’ll pass along the good news. Thanks for not running
out on us…”
“Hey… I owe it to all of you…”
That was all that was said, as now was the time for waiting. Roman wondered what Jack Henderson and all the others involved in the covert unsanctioned operation were thinking and feeling right at the moment, guessing they were all scrambling for cover, desperately trying to figure out how to avoid prosecution. Nice that they were getting a
chance to sweat as they’d made John and Marlena do for so long. It served them right, and Roman couldn’t wait until there was a press conference, where the men who had caused John and Roman and everyone they loved to suffer so much pain would finally face the music for their cruel intentions and hideous actions. Their mistreatment of two men who served their country to the best of their ability, making sacrifices of great magnitude was unconscionable and deserved to meet with justice, swift and harsh.
Chapter 77
Rumors are Flying
Brenda Reilly, RN was as quiet as she could be in opening the door. The third shift nurse was getting ready to sit down and finish her charting for the night, when she decided to take a peek in the room where the mysterious John Doe had been admitted earlier in the day. It was still dark and the patient was resting comfortably, a beautiful
blond haired woman sitting beside the bed sleeping in the chair, holding the man’s hand. It was a sweet sight, and since she didn’t want to disturb either of them, she decided to take her patient’s vital signs later on. He was in no distress and Brenda considered it intrusive to interrupt his peaceful slumber.
Marlena was sleeping, but not very soundly and started awake at the noise made by the door going shut. She jumped and because she was holding his hand, her sudden movement startled John out of his deep slumber… but did not awaken him all the way. She heard his muffled voice… but it took a few moments to register
“Bomb…. Oh my God… no…Carrie…Doc! No…” He was thrashing… obviously lost in the horror of what he’d experienced the night before.Before she could gently shake him awake, he bolted upright in the bed, not a good move after the surgery he’d just had. “Oh, John… honey, lie down…” she said, worried he’d pop the stitches out and start
bleeding.
He didn’t hear her… immersed in the experience of being trapped in the limousine, desperate to get out… and then running for his life… being thrown to the ground by the force of the blast.. “John… honey,” she said, this time placing her hands on his shoulders, trying to ease him down into a supine position.
His eyelids flickered rapidly, the blue eyes beneath them darting back and forth, as he reacted, “Oh… Oh, Doc….” He labored to make sense of the multiple images that assaulted him… “What… where am I?” he asked, his eyelids still fluttering, his head throbbing… “What happened?” he said, looking utterly befuddled, noticing the pressure
of her hand on his aching upper body.
Marlena responded to her own fears and expressed her gratitude forhis apparent good health, “Oh, John… it’s so good to see you awake… I was so worried about you!”
“Marlena….you’re trembling… what’s…” Suddenly, it occurred to him… “Oh my God, Doc… you got away… you got away from those bastards that were holding you… are you alright?” he said, looking her up and down, his slightly tremulous hands moving to cup her beautiful delicate face.
“Oh, yes, sweety… I’m fine… I’m just fine… you’re the one to be concerned about. Do you remember anything?” she asked, giving him the same quick once over.
He shut his eyes and tried to piece together fragments of memory. The past few months had been so chaotic, so filled with horrible experiences. The hypnosis and the memories of childhood abuse, being drugged and his reputation damaged, followed by more recent events… going away with Marlena, her disappearance and Roman’s, and then jail. Finally, he put words to his most recent recollections.. “I was…at the Cop Shop in a.. holding cell… I was.. waiting for news from Bo and Abe and then Carrie came to see me… there were some men… I told her to hide… and let them take me… Oh, Carrie… is she alright?” he asked anxiously, fearing she’d been hurt or worse since he was banged up and obviously in a hospital bed.
“Yes, John…she’s perfectly alright…” She answered and then quickly redirected him, “What else can you remember?” the clinical professional inside her kicking into gear.
“Not a lot…they uh….they roughed me up…. threw me in the back of a limo… and then all hell broke loose… I got out somehow and… ended up on the ground… instinct told me to get away from that thing.and then…boom.. the lights went out. My mind’s a little fuzzy on what happened after that,” he finished, a bewildered expression crossing the ragged features of his still quite handsome face.
She almost smiled… as she reached out to caress his unshaven cheeks, sighing in response to the reality that they were together, safe at last. “Not surprising… it was quite an explosion, John… it’s a miracle you survived it at all…”
“Yea… so.. how’d I get.. here, and where exactly *are* we?” he said, seemingly becoming more aware of his surroundings, his eyes beginning to clear as he eased himself into a more upright position.
She frowned, worried about his recovery, “You don’t remember what you
did next?”
He shook his head and peered at her uncertainly, “No… what’d I do? Is it embarrassing…. Because if it was, this bump on my head ought to be a good excuse… ” he finished, rubbing a sore spot on the right, toward the back of his head.
She resisted the temptation to laugh and answered seriously, “No, John… it’s nothing like that… no, you walked or hitched a ride and you managed to make it all the way to the safe house…. And then you collapsed. You’ve been in and out of consciousness ever since.”
Seeing the concern in her narrowed gaze, he decided to make light of it all, “I did? Well, what do you know… this thing does run on auto-pilot,” he said, gesturing to his head and chest, with a boyish grin.
She shook her head, thankful to have such a wonderful man…. Trying to make her feel better when he was the injured one, “Oh, you… John, you were hurt… this is serious.”
.
“Okay… I’ll be serious, Doc… So, why am I here, in the hospital?”
“Well, the explosion did some damage, John… you’ve got some cracked ribs and a concussion… and your spleen was ruptured and had to come out. For a little while there, it looked like… like we might…” The shock was catching up to her. Suddenly, the clinical part of her transformed into the worried wife, her hands went toward her mouth,
and she began to weep in the aftermath of all the emotional and physical trauma they suffered.
Instantly, his arms were around her, his mind focused not on his pain but on hers, “Hey, hey… shh…it’s okay.. you know I’m tougher than that… your love gave me what I needed…. I’m fine, no need to worry.I’ll be out of this bed and back home in… Oh… in.. no time..” he said, trying to smile despite the sudden pain that shot through his rib cage… “But for now…. ah…” He grimaced in response to a wave of dizziness and nausea that threatened to take over, and decided maybe he ought to spend a little time in the reclined position. “Woah..”
It made her forget her worries to see him try to comfort her, signifying to her that he was going to be alright… Easing him under the covers, she spoke softly, encouraging him to relax, “For now, you better just take it easy, honey… you’ve just had major surgery….
Now, lie back and rest, okay?”
He was fighting it, but realized she was right, making a concession. Stifling a yawn, he replied quietly, “As long as you’re sure you’re okay….”
She held out her arms to indicate there were no problems, speaking cheerfully, “Promise… there’s not a scratch on me… I’ll tell you all about it when you wake up… now, go back to sleep and that’s a doctor’s order.”
Again, he smiled… and what a sight it was to her formerly worried eyes…”You’ll get.. no arguments from… me…Doc,” he said as the weariness and pain medication began to kick in again, making his eyelids seem so heavy…. “I think I’ll just… close my…eyes for
a second…..and… and….” His voice drifted off as his mind wandered,the only real sensation was the warmth of her hand holding his, the other touching his face. His head hit the pillow and he felt like he was floating; it was glorious.
She stroked his thick dark hair, sighing with blessed relief. “Sleep, baby… just go to sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up… I love you.”
“Love you too, Doc… so glad you’re…safe.”
“That’s my man… he almost dies and he’s worrying about me… John, I’m perfectly alright… because I’m with you and we’re *both* safe.” So much had happened, she wondered if they would ever sort out the whole story. She’d only gotten bits and pieces thus far because there were still so many loose ends to tie up before their ordeal would
truly be over, namely fooling the men who had waged war on John’s life into believing that he had indeed been killed in the explosion. Until the truth about the past was revealed, John could not show his face.
An hour or so later, the sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon. A new day, one that should prove to be every bit as eventful as the previous few.
The man in the brown Chevrolet Corsica was never more relieved in his entire life than he was when he saw the red brick building up ahead on his left. The television station was a sight for his sore tired eyes. At last, the story could be told. Pulling out his cell phone, Dan wasted no time in dialing his friend’s extension, and speaking immediately after he heard a quick, “Hello… Dan, is that you?”
“Yea, Bill… it’s me… are you all set?”
“Pull around back; rumors are flying… I’ve got two plain clothed cops who are ready to give you cover in case you’re followed in here. This better be as good as you say, or I’m the dead man. My superiors are doubtful at best.”
“Believe me… it’s even better… but you’ve got to do this thing fast. I know that they’ve got to be catching up to me… We don’t have much time to get this story on the air, Bill.”
As the car approached the driveway, he prepared to end the conversation, “Alright… here I come.”
“Okay… see you in a minute…” Hanging up the phone, he turned to his co-worker… “He’s on the way… let’s go over this one more time and make sure we’re set… this is going to be big..”
The chestnut haired woman with those gorgeous green eyes, seemed slightly perturbed, but was intrigued by the possibilities. This could be a break into the national news arena for both of them. “I hope so… you dragged me out of bed for this… on a Sunday morning no less.I swear Bill, if this isn’t powerhouse stuff…”
“Trust me, Susan… have I ever steered you wrong before?”
She glared at him… “Do you want me to respond to that… or is that just your fantasy?”
He chuckled awkwardly and conceded her point, “Okay… once or twice, maybe… but that was in the early days.. when I was young and over eager… it hasn’t happened in years.”
She shook her head, thinking back in not so fond remembrance, saying, “Whatever… let’s just make this one count… I’ll be in the studio…preparing for the interview based on the notes you gave me…bring me any changes..”
In a matter of seconds, the Chevy was parked and Dan was grabbing the most pertinent of the files and pictures. Taking a quick glance around the parking lot, satisfied there was no one around to cause problems,he raced for the metal door as swiftly as his worn out body would take him. Once inside, he was greeted by his long time buddy, who escorted to him to a sound booth immediately.
There was no time for complex explanations, so Dan sighed with relief and then handed his friend a tape of a conversation he’d had with Jack Henderson that summarized the plans to ruin his former best friend and fellow agent, John Black’s life…
They waited impatiently for the tape to begin. Once Bill heard it, there was no more convincing necessary. The first man said, “Alright… are you clear on your objectives?”
“Yes sir! It’s going smoothly sir, Black has no idea where the threats are coming from, and he’s blown away by the flashbacks. Making him appear to go crazy won’t be much of a stretch at this point, and the drug addiction tack… that’s absolutely inspired, Jack. We’ll have him down on his knees in a couple of months.”
“Good… see that you do… we have a lot riding on this, including your life, soldier….I want him to be a broken man… and I don’t ever want you to mention his name to me again, is that understood?”
“Yes sir… code names only from here on out, Sir…”
“Alright then, I’ll await your next report. Keep me informed of all new developments.”
“Roger that… ”
His buddy’s eyes were wide with elated surprise…his voice positively gleeful at the prospects of breaking a huge story, “Oh My God, Dan… this is incredible…. That was Jack Henderson? Former Deputy Director of the ISA?”
“Yep, the one and only, current Chief of Covert Op with the CIA… issuing direct orders to destroy John Black’s life and his reputation. And, that’s only the tip of the iceberg, Bill. I’ve got pictures and a whole lot more telephone conversations.
“Dan…if you don’t mind me asking, why’d you tape them?”
“I don’t know… instinct I guess… have something as a backup, something you can use to protect yourself if it becomes necessary.”
“Well, I’m glad you did, old buddy… Show me more…. I want to see some pictures… and give the tapes to the technical wizards here… they’ll take a listen and find the most damaging spots and have them ready for the broadcast inside a half hour.. alright?”
“Yea, okay…but everything stays right here where I can keep my eyes on it…”
“Sure enough, Dan… everything stays here.” Bill nodded to his technical expert friends and they agreed, taking the tapes and moving across the booth, a few feet away.
“Okay then,” Dan said, looking over at the others, satisfied that they were on the same side, that of justice. “Here are some of the pictures.and by the way, I’ve got a roll here of undeveloped stuff… we need to do that before you go on the air… it could be crucial to the case against the Agency.”
“Alright, I’ve got a guy who is so fast and very accurate that I can put on that… but you’ll have to trust me on it… ”
“You swear to me he’s reliable… ”
“I promise… former cop, hates the Feds… he’s perfect for the job.”
“Good… sounds like my kind of guy… take it to him and get right back here.”
His friend nodded and then picked up the phone for convenience sake, wasting no time on pleasantries, “Hey.. it’s me…that friend of mine is here… and he’s got a roll for you… crucial stuff.. we need it stat. Can you do it?”
“Yea… give me fifteen minutes and I’ll have it for you.”
“Perfect.. how’s fifteen minutes sound?”
“Great… okay, then.. look at these while you’re waiting..” Dan said as he pulled a group of photos out of the box. They were in an envelope marked, Surveillance JB 6/85-11/85. His friend was silent for the most part, an occasional muffled groan the only sound he made, his face contorted as he absorbed the meaning of what he was seeing.
“Man, these are pretty…” He stopped, not able to think of an apt verbal description for the photographs he was reviewing. Dan was silent, nodding his head, and waiting… at last his reporter friend found the words, “They’re gruesome, Dan… my God… your people knew about this?” Bill said, wishing he hadn’t seen the pictures of a man in agony… physical and emotional. “And they just let it happen… so they could see the end results?”
His eyes and indeed his entire body exuded shame as he answered honestly, with a slight nod of his head, “Yes….the agencies knew and so did I… not the details… but I knew… I just.. tried not to think about it…”
“It’s sick, Dan… Dimera’s dead…hopefully in hell… and I hope these assholes rot in prison… and get some of the same kind of treatment… ”
“So do I… and I’m willing to do my time right along with them… I just want John to have his life back… ”
The man breathed a heavy sigh, glancing at another photo of the man taken when the drug addiction was in full force, “What’s left of it.”
“I know… I can’t make up for the past…. Nobody can, but I can make sure his story is told and everybody who caused him to suffer is punished for their crimes, or at least as many as possible. That’s what this is about, Bill… And, for Roman too… ”
“Roman Brady?”
“Yes… he was held prisoner for seven years… ”
“And the agencies knew about that too…” Bill, added, guessing based on what Dan had already said.
Again, he nodded, hating his affiliation with such madness, “After awhile I think… I don’t know… my guess is that it was year or two into it… they figured out that he was alive and eventually learned where he was being held.”
“And they just let the whole thing unfold… they didn’t do anything to help him escape? They just left him there, so they could learn whether the brainwashing techniques Stefano Dimera used on John were successful?”
“I think so… yea… I was reassigned at the time… I was… on the outs… so I wasn’t in the loop at that time, but that’s my best guess.”
The excitement about the exclusive expose took hold, overshadowing the horrifying nature of what he’d just learned. “Damn.. this is big, Dan, *really* big! Unsanctioned covert activities between two agencies–Black goes under, posing as a Priest then his cover is blown by one of his own compatriots. Two loyal agents subjected to prolonged
imprisonment and horrific torture, brainwashing, drugging… all with the implicit approval of our own government…just so they could sit back and watch the show put on by an enemy of the State, Stefano Dimera….. This is rich stuff!”
“Yes it is…. now, let’s hurry and get it to film…. ” Dan said, standing up, sounding rather anxious. They had to get in front of the cameras very swiftly or someone might pull the plug on their plans, literally and figuratively. He had no illusions. If Henderson’s people
caught up with him before it went on the air, he was a dead man and the story would be killed too. The life of everyone in the studio would be sacrificed if it were deemed necessary to protect the Agency’s dirty secrets. Besides getting the story on the air, he prayed that Cassie had been able to convince her friends in law enforcement to listen to her and begin the process of issuing warrants, based on the evidence she had taken with her. Hopefully, their combined efforts would be enough to at least make sure the men involved could not flee the country before the allegations were sorted out.
Bill was reading his buddy’s brown eyes.. he saw tightly controlled terror in them… “Yes… let’s…” and crossed the room to check with his techies, hoping they’d found some of the more revealing spots for playback on the air. All he had to do was coordinate with Susan to get the clips played at strategic points during her interview. He
felt a welcome rush of adrenaline….
Just few more minutes and the story would be out there.
Chapter 78
Public Vindication
The television was on, but the volume was low and Marlena Evans had to strain to hear the anchor’s voice. “This is NBC news at sunrise… for our top story of the day, we go live to Philadelphia where a report is already in progress.” Because of what Roman had hinted at earlier, Marlena was eager to see if it had anything to do with her husband; she searched and swiftly found the remote control in the top drawer of the bedside table.
For a moment or so, she watched in relative silence, but when she saw the picture and then heard what she thought was the last part of the intro to the story, she decided to include the sleeping man. Marlena could scarcely believe her eyes and ears. With her free hand, she was shaking John awake while the other pumped up the volume. “John, honeywake up, I think you’ll want to hear this… it’s a story about you on the news.”
His eyelids fluttered. “Huh… what…. ” he said, still groggy but trying to sit up and focus. Once his eyes began to clear, he noticed what she was talking about. His old friend Dan was on his television screen… and a woman was asking him questions.
The slender dark haired woman turned to her guest and set up the scenario for him, “So, Mr. Heckman…. Thirteen years ago, you and John Black were partners, working for the ISA and John was on a joint mission with the CIA to acquire evidence on the criminal activities of Stefano Dimera when you… revealed his true identity, resulting in his being held hostage, tortured and brainwashed?”
His answer was spoken in a guilty whisper, his gaze not quite meeting the scrutinizing eye of the interviewer or the camera, “Yes, that’s true… I did…”
“But he was your partner and your friend… why would you betray him, and your country?”
There was no sense in making it seemed justified, so he sat up straighter and answered honestly, “I blamed him for the death of my wife, Sarah. She took a bullet meant for him…She was carrying our first child, and when she and the baby were killed, I was blind with grief. I wanted him to suffer too, but that was no excuse. I regret my actions very much and that’s why I’m here today.”
Without words there was a brief exchange of communication, the reporter’s warm brown eyes saying, ‘I’m sorry to hear about your wife.’ He nodded and gave a weak smile of appreciation, letting her know it was alright to continue.
“Well then, we played the tape as we opened this segment… but for the benefit of those who are just joining us… why don’t you tell the audience…. What is it that you know about John Black’s more recentturmoil?”
“Well, I was contacted several months ago by Jack Henderson of the CIA when Stefano Dimera was killed. Apparently, the psychiatrist and neurologist who had been following John Black’s case over the years, were under the impression that Dimera’s death could trigger a delayed post traumatic stress reaction. They planned to exploit it if necessary,
but at the very least, they planned to make sure that if John began to recover memories of his time with the agencies that he didn’t reveal anything incriminating. I was supposed to do whatever was necessary to make it appear that John was going insane. ”
Recalling what Bill had said earlier about time being of the essence, she got right to the heart of the matter, getting the names out over the airwaves, “Who else was involved in the efforts to destroy his life?”
“The secret committee was headed by Jack Henderson, Chief of Covert Operations for the CIA. Included were General Frank Thomas-Military Intelligence Operations, Dr. Phillip Markey, a neurologist specializing in memory issues, and Dr. Joseph Smith-psychiatrist, and Mr. William Hudson- also with the CIA working with non-official agents. A large part of the behind the scenes effort was funded and supported by Peter Blake, adopted son of Stefano Dimera. He was after revenge on the man who killed his father. Roman Brady, my recent partner was also involved in the at one point, having been manipulated and subject to mind control by the agency. They exploited the animosity between the two of them in regard to his ex-wife, Marlena Evans.”
She nodded and asked about the man sitting next to her and his role, planning to get back to the others later, “And what part did you play, exactly?”
Along with Jack, I represented the ISA’s interests. None of their officials were included because it was Jack Henderson who was the Deputy Director for the ISA at the time the whole thing started. He knew everything that had happened and made the decision not to involve anyone else. I established the original set up on the island where John
started having hallucinations. They had gone on a vacation to reduce the stress John was under from his traumatic memories. I followed them there and I put a sound system in the shower, projected a hologram on the beach, and initiated the drugging, all to make it look as though John was hearing voices and experiencing visual hallucinations, due to his increasing emotional problems. After he and his wife returned to Salem, I was in contact with the nurse who was taking care of him and she continued to drug him with a combination of heroine and morphine.”
“Then Roman came into town and continued to put the pressure on goading John into a fight… humiliating him in front of his family and then came the warehouse…. ” His voice trailed off as his recollection became more vivid with the telling.
The newscaster filled in the gaps….”The warehouse incident… That was when you drugged him one last time and left him to go through withdrawal, reportedly an excruciatingly painful process. Afterward, no one believed his claim that the drugs were forced on him, except his family. He was humiliated and publicly ridiculed. As a result,
his businesses faltered and he became seriously depressed. ”
“Yes, we did that, believing it would finish him off, and he would no longer be a significant threat to the agencies. We ensured that even if he did recover all of his missing memories, he would be judged to be paranoid and delusional, and his allegations therefore disregarded.”
“Mr. Heckman… what you did…. It was…”
He breathed a heavy sigh, nodded and jumped in when she paused, “Reprehensible….I know… and I plan on turning myself in when this is finished…”
When he made no attempt to defend his actions, she decided to move on, “Alright then… what happened next?” also wanting the entire story out there.
“John recovered from the forced drug addiction… his friends and family rallied around him and supported him… he slowly began to remember what was done to him, who he worked for…. Someone in our group got nervous and kidnapped Roman, who was beginning to figure out what was being done to him, making it look like John was responsible. John and Marlena went out of town… to get a break and to give their friends Salem Police Commander Abe Carver and Detective Bo Brady time to figure out what was happening. Someone was killed trying to contact them… one of Peter Blake’s employees who knew John from when he was living at the mansion with Peter’s sister Kristen. That sent the police on a different trail.That’s when Jack called and told me to take John out.”
Wanting there to be no uncertainty for the viewer, Susan asked him a point blank question, “You mean, Mr. Henderson specifically ordered you to kill John Black?”
“Yes… we figured that it was the ISA who took Roman because they wanted in… things were getting out of control and Jack wanted John out of the picture, so he had some of his people set up the crime scene. He knew the Agency could handle an explanation for Roman’s disappearance without any lasting repercussions and settle things with the ISA. When that plan went awry, killing John and was seen as a necessary evil, to maintain secrecy and end the messy ordeal, but I resisted.”
“Alright then, let’s play that second taped excerpt now…. this is another call from Mr. Henderson to you, on that very subject.” They listened closely and indeed Jack Henderson was telling his charge to kill a man….
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Dammit… I thought he’d be in custody by now and well on his way to a jail sentence. The evidence we left was perfect to set up an airtight case against him. I’m going to step up public pressure for an arrest. In the mean time, you better find them…and watch them carefully. If for some reason I can’t make that happen and this goes sour, we may
need to… eliminate him.”
There was complete silence on the line for long seconds and then Dan replied anxiously, alarm in his tone, “But… Jack you said… no…killing, you swore to me… we wouldn’t do that! I don’t want to take him out. For God’s sake, he’s got a wife and two little kids, Jack!”
“You listen to me, you lousy hypocrite! I am NOT taking the fall for this! We have come much too far to give up now. I’m warning you…if this blows up in our faces, we are all going down, me, you… everybody on the committee, even the boys at the ISA. Have you got that! Do you want to go to prison for the rest of your miserable life or maybe…
join your.. ex-friend six feet under?” He paused to let the threat sink in and then asked one last question, “Now, Dan.. are you going to do what I tell you?”
“Yes sir! What are my orders, sir?”
“Alright.. that’s better. Now.. you get out there and you FIND him, and then I want you to sit tight and call me on the cell phone when you’ve located him, is that clear?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Susan Norris let the tape play, allowing for a moment of silence after the talking stopped, when the reality of what was said could penetrate. “So, there you have it.”
“Yes…it was very clear what he wanted, and that’s when it all changed for me. I knew in my soul that I couldn’t do it. I decided that it had gone way too far and I had to help John.”
“Didn’t you think like the man said… that it might come to murder at some point… if you were all too willing to do so many other horrific things to ruin John Black’s life?”
“I don’t know… I guess I didn’t let myself think about it before that point in time. Anyway, I went up into the mountains and found the cabin where John was staying. I wanted to warn him and protect him and his wife… I found him unconscious and she was gone…”
“Meaning Mrs. Black had been kidnapped too?”
“Yes, and… we’re still not sure who did it… I couldn’t contact anyone in the CIA or the committee at that point… so we really don’t know… but I’m sure they were nervous about what John would remember before they could complete the hit. They wanted to control him through the threats of harm to his wife.”
It was an intriguing story and Susan found herself getting caught up in it, asking enthusiastically, “What happened next?”
“John was given a note when his wife was taken in which he was ordered to surrender for the crime of kidnapping Roman Brady or risk serious harm to his wife. He was told he would get further instructions at some future point.”
“And he did as directed, in the hopes of maintaining his wife’s safety?”
“Yes… I revealed myself and told him what I knew… I drove him back to Salem where he turned himself in, and shortly after that I made contact with his friends. Roman Brady escaped from his captors… and we were all planning a breakout when John was taken from the jail by force…we think by Jack’s people…”
“The news reports confirmed that John Black and several unidentified men were killed in that explosion… ”
“Everybody thought John was killed… but he wasn’t… he’s alive and well, and I hope listening to this… John… if you’re out there.. this is for you buddy… those bastards are going down right now, there’s finally going to be some justice Johnny…”
“So, John Black escaped the blast unharmed and somehow made it to safety where he was reunited with his wife, who had also been able to escape, and his friends. It seems there’s going to be a happy ending to this story, after all.”
“Yes… right now, even as we’re speaking, FBI agents in the Washington DC are rounding up the men I just mentioned and soon… as many of the others who were involved in the implementation phase as possible.”
“Well, we’ve talked about all of the terror inflicted on this man and who was responsible for much of it…. But what we haven’t yet covered is the exact nature of what the agencies were trying to hide. Could you explain that aspect of this incredible and complicated scenario?”
“Yes, the main reason for all of it is that they knew. All the time that John was living the life of Roman Brady, the ISA and later the CIA knew his true identity and at some point they found out about Roman being alive and held prisoner. Instead of revealing the truth, they chose to leave things as they were, because they wanted to see whether
or not Stefano’s efforts at brainwashing and mind control were successful. They wanted to follow John’s life over a prolonged period of time, essentially making a longitudinal study out of it.”
“So, they let Roman Brady be held captive for nearly seven years while John Black lived his life, believing *he* was Roman. Then, through all the years since Roman returned to Salem and the truth about John’s identity came out, they never did anything to help John recapture his past. They left him to wonder, continuing to be tormented by Stefano
Dimera’s abusive machinations….”
“Yes…”
Picking up on the emotion of the moment, the interviewer began to comment, purposely leaving him an opening to take the conversation where he wanted it to go, “Well, that’s quite a story, Mr. Heckman. You must be feeling relieved to have exposed it.”
“Yes, relieved, and more importantly…ashamed. What I did was terribly, inexorably wrong and I know that I can never make up for it. But, I hope that in doing this, I’m giving John the chance to recover his missing years and live out the rest of his life in peace, surrounded by the love of his friends and family.”
“Yes, I certainly hope that’s the case…he sounds like a amazingly strong and resilient man… we hope to meet him in person some day. Mr. Heckman, thank you so much for being with us this morning. Turning directly toward the camera to peer at the television viewer, she addressed them as well, “Ladies and gentleman… we’ll be bringing you
more on this remarkable story in the hours, days, and weeks to follow. For now, this is Susan Norris, signing off. ”
For several long seconds, neither John nor Marlena said anything, they just looked at each other rather incredulously. Finally, a quiet smile crept slowly across the tired, slightly weathered features of her husband’s face and John said, “It’s over, Doc. It’s really over…” ashe took the woman of his dreams into his loving arms.
She was moved to tears… it was almost too good to be true.. “Oh, honey… I’m so…. I’m just so…”
In another second, several others came rushing into the hospital room, Bo asking anxiously on behalf of the group, “Hey, you guys… did you?”
They continued to hold each other, nodding their heads as tears of joy trickled down the length of their cheeks. The nightmare was finished, a new day had dawned, and they could go on with their lives.
Bo was only slightly incredulous, looking at Dan Heckman on the screen telling the whole sordid story, and the pain inflicted on his family because of the damnable actions taken by members of the Intelligence establishment. “I can’t believe it….he was telling the truth the whole time… all he wanted to do was expose those bastards.”
Roman was staring at the screen and nodding, saying in quiet admiration, “Yea… I didn’t think he had it in him… that took some guts… he has to know he’ll be a serious target now.”
“Yes… but the police will give him protection, won’t they… until this settles down?” Marlena was asking, Lexie at her side and looking to her husband for an answer.
Hating to be honest, Abe gave her his opinion, because it was important for them all to remain cognizant that the danger was not over. “Of course they will, but if these people decide they want Dan Heckman dead, he’s done… there’s nothing the police can do to stop them.”
John recalled the slightly absent look in the man’s eyes during the interview, as if he knew his days were numbered. Silently, John thanked him. ‘Hey Danno… you did it… you nailed those bastards… they’re going to go down for their crimes…thanks.’ His mind took him gently back in time to the days when the two of them were close, and he recalled with fondness that he’d often called his friend that nickname, taken from a television show called Hawaii Five-0. It brought back some nice memories of younger days spent with a good friend, talking, laughing, planning the future. His pleasant reverie was cut off by the sound of a familiar voice.
“Hello everyone, this is Tom Brokaw, reporting to you from the studios in New York… we have some follow-up on the John Black story. It appears that the members of the secret committee named by Dan Heckman have all been arrested this morning at their homes, scattered in and around Washington, DC. We have footage of some of the arrests as they were taking place. I go live to our Washington Bureau….
There it was. Jack Henderson with handcuffs on his wrists, being forced into a patrol car at Dulles Airport, having tried to leave the country. Suddenly a flood of memories entered John’s mind all at once. “Ah, the indignity of it all.” John smiled and spoke to the image captured in a freeze frame, “Serves you right, you sick bastard! I trusted you… I
believed all that bullshit about glory and honor and duty! I believed it so much that I gave up on being a Priest so I could put Stefano out of commission. Lies… it was all lies and now.. you’re going to pay the price for what you’ve done!”
Marlena and the others whirled around to face him, marveling at what he’d just said, the meaning of his outburst not lost on any one of them, “John.. you remember?” she said, more a statement than the question she’d intended to ask.
John was slightly unnerved, but nodded his head in agreement. “Yea… I remember it too well. He really sold me a bill of goods… and my friend Joe.. he convinced me that I could do it for awhile and then go back to being a Priest. I wanted to help my country… Joe was a good man.. and he loved me. I think he was the first person who really cared
about what happened to me and I wanted to please him, so I joined the ISA. Then he was killed.” John paused as the memory returned; there was distant pain in his voice when he continued, “I blamed myself.. and then when Sarah was killed too… I was so messed up… and I was willing to take the most dangerous assignments. That’s when the CIA contacted my superiors with this idea to take down Stefano… they pitched it to me, and it seemed like the right thing to do… he was evil personified, so I took it. I was young and naïve.. I actually thought I could help them nail him, and then I planned to quit.”
Bo shared a conclusion, filling in a tiny gap, “So that’s how it went down… you posed as a priest in a church he was involved with, then Dan blew your cover to Dimera’s people.”
“Yea… that was it. Agent John Black disappeared and nobody gave a damn. It was what they wanted all along, someone who was expendable, someone who wouldn’t cost them anything. I was their mark. They were thrilled when Dimera took me… because they knew I wouldn’t crack under pressure and give them away.”
It made Lexie ill to think of it.. “Oh, John… that’s so horrible.”
“Yea… but now I understand all those flashes of memory…. Stefano thought that he could break me… wanted me tell him the names of all the other Europe based operatives… then the ones in the states. No matter what he did to me… I never told… it stuck in his craw… so he stole my mind….and my life…and put me in somebody else’s, and the agencies didn’t care.. they just *watched* me.”
Carrie looked back and forth between the two men she had loved and called Daddy and shook her head as tears began to form behind her eyes. It was a strange mixture of emotions. She was relieved to know the truth and happy to have them both in her life, but terribly sad for all their suffering… “It’s sick… it’s just sick what they did to you… both of you!” she exclaimed angrily. Nodding her head, and taking her husband’s hand, Marlena gave it a loving squeeze and said, “Oh, John I’m so sorry honey for everything you went through… but at least now you know.”
“Yea, now I know… and I’m going to watch them squirm… and see how they like it when their own government leaves them to twist in the wind.I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.”
Roman had been watching the news footage and thinking back over all that had happened to himself as well, “Me too, John… me too… I gave my life to them… I even went back to them after I returned thinking I was doing some good… It’s unbelievable, isn’t it? I mean I go off to some other country again, risking my life, thinking I’ve got back
up, guys who’ll help me get out of tight spot… after they’d left me to rot in some stinking South American jungle.”
Abe was shaking his head too.. and then John brought up another salient point, “Yea… and the worst part of it is all these years since then we thought they actually wanted to take Dimera down.. They *never* wanted that… not after he took me the first time. No, they were more interested in seeing how he perfected his techniques of mind control.”
“Yea man… all those times we thought they were helping us….they were working against us.. no wonder nothing ever stuck… Damn!” Bo said in disgust.
Roman was beyond frustrated, so he reminded himself and the others of the most important fact about Stefano Dimera. “At least now he’s dead, thanks to you, John…”
Nodding, he almost laughed shaking his head at the irony of how it had ended, “Yea..and that was sheer luck… I just got tired of it and had a chance to take him out in self defense.”
Hoping they could eventually put it all behind them, Marlena chimed in with a potential positive outcome, “Protecting me as usual. John you’re a hero, and so are you, Roman… maybe something good will come out of this for you two. Maybe the government will finally recognize the contributions you made.”
The men, including Mike Horton, who had just returned after looking at John’s most recent lab values, laughed harshly, wishing they weren’t so cynical. It was John who voiced what they were all thinking, “No, I don’t think so, Doc… they’ll probably deny any official involve-ment, issue some lame apology to us and then hope it all blows over
soon. But, I don’t care about any of that… Now, that the country knows I’m not a crazy drug addict… I just want those bastards to pay for their crimes.” Heads were nodding all around. That was what mattered. The people who inflicted so much pain on so many lives were now in custody, and the victims were well on their way to healing.
Chapter 79
Welcome Home to Say Goodbye
Shawn Brady breathed a tremendous sigh of relief as he hung up the telephone at the bar; there was no need for a fake funeral after all. The plot to destroy the man’s life was exposed, John Black was alive and relatively well, and he and the entire gang were on their way home to Salem from the rural community hospital about an hour away from town. “Oh, Caroline… we’ve got a welcome home party to be plannin’…. Roman just called again… they’re coming home!” he called out gleefully.
Popping out of the kitchen, his wife responded with excitement, “Oh, Shawn… this has to be one of the happiest days this family has ever had… At last, the horrible truth is exposed and those evil people are in jail. Our Roman and John and Marlena are safe. It’s time for the healing to begin. What did Roman say about John’s injuries?”
“Well, he’s pretty banged up and he had his spleen removed, but otherwise he seems to be doing alright. He’s anxious to get home, so they’re coming back immediately. He’ll have to take it easy for a few weeks and then he should be good as new, according to Mike.”
“Whew… I so was worried when I saw those films of the limousine after the explosion. I’m glad he’s alright… but I won’t quite believe it
until I see him.”
“I know… I feel the same way but that will happen soon enough. For now, we better get busy contactin’ the family. How about you get started in the kitchen while I start making phone calls?”
“I’d be glad to, honey… this is one special party.”
Within three hours, the Pub was well on its way to becoming Salem Party Central, with balloons, and streamers, and welcome home banners in a rainbow of colors. By the time the guests of honor were due to arrive, the place would be filled with friends and admirers of all ages.
John was settled comfortably in the back seat of the larger sedan covered by a light blanket, his sleepy head resting on a pillow. Marlena was content to be near him, sitting on the driver’s side, his ht group that pulled even closer during times of crisis, for the most part anyway, and he was glad to help whenever he could. His silent contemplation was interrupted by a question asked by Bo Brady, “Mike… speaking of celebrating…and deserving a break… how is John… really? Do you think it was smart for him to leave the hospital so soon after surgery?”
“Well, from a strictly medical standpoint I would say I had my doubts about the wisdom of having him leave in less than 24hours, but emotionally… I think it might make all the difference in the world for him to get back home and be with all of the people he loves… it’s been a long haul for him… and it’s finally over…. Besides all that… do you actually think I could have kept him there any longer?”
They just laughed…. realizing that if John Black were determined to do something, there was virtually no way of stopping him. He was Salem bound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just as they hit the outskirts of town, John started to stir and Marlena awakened fully as well. She’d been dozing off occasionally and noticed the slight kicking movement of his legs, a signal he was immersed in a vivid dream. Suddenly, his whole body shuddered and he woke up… “No.. no, don’t let it happen like that.. please don’t let it happen that way!” he was saying as the dream faded.
“What, honey… don’t let what happen?”
His eyelids fluttered and his hands went to wipe the sleep from his eyes while his mind labored to make sense of fleeting images, “Oh, Doc…
oh, I’m so glad to see your pretty face… ”
“John, you were dreaming… do you remember it?” she asked, her concern evident as she scrutinized his puzzled facial expression.
His brow was furrowed in concentration, his head shaking as he replied with a hint of disappointment, thinking it meant something, “No… I don’t…. just feel like… I don’t know.. like maybe it isn’t over yet.”
“But it is, John… the nightmare is finally over… it’s probably justcatching up with you and you’re living it out in your dreams. We’re all doing fine and heading for home.”
His smile was almost normal, but his eyes belied his concern, as he gingerly turned himself around and sat forward, placing his legs on the floor, “Yea… sure, of course you’re right… just a few lingering jitters, that’s all it is… everything’s going to be just fine.”
Within the hour, both cars were pulling up in the main waterfront parking area, truly a welcome sight for all eight occupants. Home sweet home at last. They piled out, all except for John, who resisted but ultimately accepted help in exiting the vehicle. He was weaker than he liked to admit… and he walked in with Mike under one shoulder and Bo under the other. Roman stood back while Marlena looked on with much concern. Then,
when the others were a few feet away, he approached her saying softly, “He’s going to be okay, Doc… he’s a tough one… you know that..”
“Yes, he is… but he’s been through so much… I’m….. worried about him, Roman… ”
“I know… it’s been a rough year….. really rough… but he’s going to heal…. He has the truth now… after so long… we all do… and it’s going to get better for all of us, Doc.”
John’s response to the dream made itself felt and she looked her ex-husband in the eye, searching for his true perspective, “Do you really believe that, Roman… do you think they’ll let us alone now?”
“Yea… with everything out in the open… pictures, tapes, they can’t very well come after us now… besides there’s nothing more to protect… yea… I think it’s over… and we can get on with business of living.” He placed his arm around her and she leaned into the embrace, taking comfort in the thought of the family recovering together. Just before
they entered the Pub, she stopped, wanting to address a different kind of healing. “Roman… what about you and John… what do you think is going to happen between you two?”
“I think we need to talk… we both said some things… made some mistakes… ”
“Can you forgive him for loving me, Roman? For coming to Salem and for living your life for all of those years?”
“Yea… I have… I understand it better now…. he was just as much a victim as I was… and how could he not fall in love with you… He was a man with no memories of a previous life… and you offered him the love and security of a wonderful family… I have no animosity toward him for that now… or for you… it just happened…”
“Oh, Roman… thank you… thank you so much… you are so…amazing to me. You know that a part of my heart will always belong to you.”
He smiled wistfully… remembering the days when it was the whole thing that belonged to him… “Yea.. and mine to you, Doc… now, come on pretty lady…let’s go inside and get in on some that Brady loving… it’s the best medicine in the world for what ails you… ”
“Yes, it is, Mr. Brady… yes it is!” she said with enthusiasm.
As the door opened, Shawn and Caroline burst into joyful tears… their family was home safe and sound. Caroline’s eyes went right to the man being helped inside and she rushed over to him.. tears in her eyes of a different sort, her feelings mixed. He looked so tired and weak. “John, oh, honey…are you alright?” she asked worriedly, looking into his blue eyes, noticing the bruises and bandages that dotted the landscape of his body.
He flashed a subdued grin, as his brother and his doctor stepped back just enough for her to give him a hug. “Yea… I know I don’t look so hot now… but pretty soon, I’ll be… good as new, right Mike?” he finished, looking for back up.
Mike tried to smile but he was worried about the sudden lack of color in the man’s face…”Yea… if you get the rest you need… now sit down before you fall down.”
Caroline moved in and gently embraced him as she guided him toward one of the booths nearby… “Oh, John… I’m so glad you’re alright.. when we saw the news… that limousine… it was demolished and we thought. We thought… Oh, John…”
“Hey.. hey.. shh… it’s okay Mom…. I’m going to be okay… don’t you worry…” He took note of the fact that Mike opted to sit down across from him reaching out subtly to take his wrist as Bo distracted Caroline. The patient said nothing, realizing he was being assessed, just as it caught up with him, a wave of dizziness washing over him… “Mike… I don’t…feel so…good..” was all he managed to say before the lights went out.
“Damn… I knew we shouldn’t have let you travel so quickly,” Mike was saying under his breath as he kept the unconscious man from falling out of the booth. It was at that precise moment that Marlena happened to enter the restaurant, and she raced to her husband’s side immediately saying, “Mike… what it is it?”
“I’m not sure.. he passed out… but I don’t know why.. he said he didn’tfeel good and he went out on me… ”
The next thing John knew he was staring at the pattern in the ceiling above him… but whose ceiling was it? “Doc….” he called out, searching instinctively for the woman he loved.
Relieved, she sighed and moved to sit at his side, taking a hand. “I’m right here… how do you feel?”
He was blinking his eyes, trying to focus and figure out where he was yet again. That alone was getting old…”Tired… but why, Doc… it seems like all I’ve done is sleep for three days or however long it’s been, and I keep waking up in a different place every time…”
“No, John… it’s only been a day since the explosion… honey, you need the rest.. you were pushing yourself and then you were hurt… it’s okay to take time to recuperate.”
Nodding as if to state his understanding he asked for details, “So what happened?”
“You passed out in the Pub and we brought you upstairs… Mike said he thought you were alright but just needed more sleep. We moved you a little too soon, that’s all.”
“Yea…so.. did I miss a good party?” he said, sounding a little disappointed to have missed the festivities.
“Yes… but everybody promised to have another one when you’re feeling better… they all felt bad that you missed it.”
He smiled broadly, and sat up, “What a family we have, huh?”
“Yes, they’re quite a loving bunch.”
“Speaking of bunches… how are the Brady men… Roman in particular… did you two talk?”
“Yes.. and he wants to talk to you too, John… he feels horrible about what he did.. about his part in the drugging. He doesn’t remember all of it… and he wants you to know that he understands that you were as much a victim as he was and he doesn’t blame you anymore.”
“Good… I wanted to say the same to him. I think I understand… the agency used him again… to ruin me…”
Chapter 79
Welcome Home to Say Goodbye – Part 2
She was imagining how they both must feel to know how they’d been used and abused for selfish pursuits, with total disregard for the personal cost… “It makes me ill to think of it…but John, it sounds like they programmed him to hate you… using his feelings of jealousy about what happened all those years ago… and the affair.”
“Man, they’re sick people… but at least now we know everything, and we can move on with our lives. I want to put all that behind us, once and for all. Roman and I used to be friends. I’d like to start over, if he’s willing.”
“I think he might be… he’s such a good man, John… so forgiving.”
“I know we’ll work it out, Doc… I’m just so glad it’s over. All I want to do is get my life back… Speaking of that… I want to see the kids, Marlena… where are they?”
“I was wondering how long it would take… they’re downstairs and it was all we could do to keep them from running up here and jumping on the bed.”
“Oh… I’ve missed them…. Please bring em up, Doc… I want them to know their Daddy is going to be okay now… I know they were… skittish around me when I was being drugged… I’m sure I scared them sometimes.”
Her mind presented her with the gruesome image of his battle weary body in the hospital the night Abe found him in the warehouse…”Oh, John… I’m so sorry about all of that… If I had just…”
Reaching out with both hands to caress her face, he tipped her chin up so that their eyes met, saying tenderly, “Hey.. hey… shh…none of that… we’re way past that, Doc… I’m fine… I’m doing just fine.. now come on… no more tears, okay?”
She nodded and choked them back…”Okay…you’re right… I’ll go on downstairs to get them… I love you… and I’m so glad you’re going to be alright… I was so frightened.”
He nodded again and smiled…giving her hand a quick kiss, “I know… I was scared for you too, Marlena… I was so afraid I was going to rot in jail and never see you again…but, that didn’t happen… we’re safe and we’re back in Salem. Those monsters are going to prison and life is only going to get better from here on out. ” Rising from his bedside, she didn’t respond with words but her eyes said she hoped he was right,
wanting to believe it with all her heart. They deserved to have a normal life.
Before he knew it, there was the welcome sound of delighted laughter and then his two munchkins came running into the room. Tears filled his eyes as he looked at their innocent faces, thinking how close he’d come to losing all of this, and how thankful he was that their youthful innocence protected them from learning about the existence of true evil. He silently vowed to insulate them from that aspect of life for as long as humanly possible. “Hey, you guys… it’s so good to see you…. Daddy missed you so much!”
“We missed you too, Daddy… how’s your ouchy? Mommy said you got a surgery… what’s a surgery?” asked Belle, curious and pleased to see that her father really was okay. Life had been so confusing for her and her brother. Daddy was gone and then Mommy didn’t come home… and finally both Mommy and Daddy were back…
Brady chimed in quickly, hoping to get an answer or two, “Yea… what happened to you, Dad… where were you and Mommy all this time?”
Glancing back and forth between the two of them as they sat wide eyed at the end of his bed, John began to respond to their eager questions, “Well, let’s see… yes, I had a surgery… I was bleeding inside and they had to make that stop… so they took out something called my spleen… then they sewed me back up and I’m good as new… Now, about where we were…. Let’s see… you know how I told you there were some bad people trying to cause trouble?”
“Yea… you said they wanted to make it seem like you were crazy… the kids at school said you were, but me and Belle told them you weren’t… we knew you would win… you did, didn’t you, Daddy… you beat the bad guys!” Brady exclaimed proudly, looking toward Belle as if to say, ‘I told you so.’ She responded by flashing an adorable pouting expression.
Ah, to view the world through their sweet young eyes, where everything was black and white and the good guys always won. He smiled and nodded his head as he drew the children close to his chest, “Yea… we did, we beat the bad guys.. but we had a lot of help.”
“And now, we can live happily ever after, right Mommy and Daddy?” Belle added with a winsome toothy smile, remembering that was how all her stories ended.
“Oh, my… yes, now we can live happily ever after, ” Marlena said with a sigh, amazed and comforted by her daughter’s undaunted trusting spirit, wanting to get in on the group hug, and hoping that this one time it would actually happen that way in real life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The warm sun was shining high in a bright blue sky, a perfect day for the renewal of friendships and forgiveness of sins. Dan’s plane was on the ground and John stood tall next to Marlena, albeit a little unsteadily, not that it mattered to him. His old friend was coming into town and they were finally going to get a chance to talk about old times. John emembered so much more now, having seen some of the pictures, the news
reports bringing a lot of his early years back to him. “So… are you ready for this?” his wife asked him, wondering what he’d been thinking about. He was so quiet.
“Yea.. I am, Doc… it feels so good to have it all back, or at least a lot of it. All those years of not knowing… I feel… like maybe I’m going to be…a whole person again…”
“Oh, honey… I’m so glad… I know that a lot of it.. hasn’t been… pleasant.. but I’m so glad you’ve learned about those missing years. Iknow how important it was to you.”
“Thanks, Doc… I know this whole ordeal has been… hell on you and the kids… thank you so much for standing by me… ” he said, placing his arm over her shoulders and drawing her close.
Turning to face him directly, she responded with warm tenderness, expressing her lifelong commitment, “I love you, John Black, where else would I be?”
He looked into her shining hazel eyes, flecked with gold and saw a glorious future. His fingers threading her silky hair, he gazed at her intently, saying, “I love you too… more than words can ever say, Marlena Evans-Black and I’m so glad you did Now, pretty lady, let’s go meet an old friend of mine.”
She was absolutely beaming it felt so good to have him back, safe and happy, feeling at peace, both of them so very much in love, “Yes.. let’s do.”
After what seemed like an eternity, Dan disembarked and John Black and Dan Heckman stood face to face, not knowing quite what to say. They smiled and then Dan initiated the conversation, “So…”
“So.. you kept your promise. You went on television and you nailed those bastards thank you, partner,” John said, extending his right hand for a shake.
Returning the gesture, Dan smiled again, saying, “Yep, it was the least I could do, John. I’m so sorry for my part in all of it… I regret hurting you, betraying you and I’ll understand if you never forgive me.”
“Hey I told you on the phone… that’s in the past now, you risked your life to give me my past back and make Henderson and his boys pay for what they’ve done to me – it’s over now.”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that, John because I wanted, well, I was hoping that maybe after my legal problems are resolved, we could be friends again.”
“I’d like that too, Dan. I’ve been remembering – we were pretty tight once… ”
Dan’s face bore a wide grin as he recalled the early days, when he and Sarah and John spent so many carefree days together “Yea we were… do you remember the Three Musketeers?”
He laughed, his eyes bright with the pleasant recollection; it was one memory that came through loud and clear. “Yea.. I do.. and I just.. well, I want you to know how sorry I was about Sarah. If I would have known I swear it.. I would have taken the bullet for her, Dan…”
“I know you would have, John and I’m sorry I couldn’t see that through my grief I’m ashamed of what I did to you.” He was shaking his head, his eyes downcast, sometimes finding it hard to believe how muchsuffering he’d inflicted on someone he called friend, someone who had trusted him.
There were traces of anger, but John knew they would not help him heal, so he chose the way of forgiveness, “Hey… like I said, that’s over… we have to put it behind us.”
“Okay… it’s a brand new start… buddy…” John and Dan clasped hands again and then stood there, still feeling a little strange. Just as John leaned in to give his friend a hug, he felt the pressure on his right hand ease up. He studied his friend’s vacant eyes, and then noticed as a bright red stain appeared on the front of the man’s shirt… “Oh,
God… no, Dan… no… ”
Dan slumped and John caught his body as he sagged, the blood already flowing heavily out of his wound, the left side of his shirt swiftly covered in the sticky red substance. Marlena was at the man’s side immediately, searching for the entry point as John wiped his blood soaked hands on his pants. He scanned the environment for the shooter, whipping out his handgun, swiftly concluding that it would be no match for a high
powered rifle. Bo and Abe had their guns drawn too, and Abe was talking into a two way radio as he studied the roof of the parking structure behind them. Nothing, no movement within the line of sight.
“Damn!” exclaimed John as he watched Marlena try unsuccessfully to stop the flow of blood. After making a quick 911 call with his cell phone, John was looking skyward as well as on level ground for any trace of a gunman. There was no sign of hurried movement, no glint of metal in the afternoon sunshine. Whoever it was, he was a professional sharpshooter, and he was already gone. John glanced back and forth between his fallen comrade and his best friends Abe and Bo, as they scrambled toward their vehicles.
Abe was shouting into a radio as he ran, knowing even as he uttered the words that the professional shooter would most likely evade them, “Seal off the exits… now!”
For a moment, John’s full attention turned toward the victim and the lady doctor who was trying to help him. His worried eyes met the compas-sionate gaze of his wife, wordlessly asking her the question he couldn’t say out loud. John knew when she shook her head slightly that his new old friend was soon going to die, the bullet ravaging his heart. She moved aside for him to get close enough to say goodbye. Kneeling down
next to the prone figure, John spoke quietly, trying to hide his distress about the final outcome of his friend’s efforts, “Hey, you…. I want to say thank you again…for what you did… I’ll never forget it.”
Dan’s breathing was labored and he struggled to get the words out, as liquid filled his lungs….”Like I said… it was the least I could do.John.. there’s someone else you should know about… her name’s Cassie… she knew you… a long time ago.. she helped me make it to Philly… she.. loved you.”
John looked up at Marlena… his puzzled eyes and the slightest shaking of his head telling her there was nothing to worry about. He had no memory of the woman, and it didn’t matter if he did. “Yea.. okay…”
“Just find her… talk to her… she’s Sarah’s sister…”
“Oh, man…okay.. I’ll find her, Dan… I promise you, I’ll go see her.Now, just rest easy… we’ll talk some more later…”
Dan almost smiled… it was just like John to aim for the most hopeful. “Hey come on… I know what’s going on here… you just… be happy, okay? You live out your life with your wife and kids and you let this go.Promise me?”
John Black’s heart and mind were divided. Part of him that had been awakened, the wounded man from the past, the agent whose superiors repeatedly betrayed him, wanted to take off after the perpetrators and hunt them down. The other part wanted to do just what his friend said, to live out the rest of his life in peace was so appealing. “I don’t know, Dan… they have to pay…”
Grasping his buddy’s arm, Dan spoke almost desperately, wanting to save his friend from a similar fate, “They will… but don’t ruin your life to avenge this, John. it’s not worth it. I know that from my experience. I’ve been alone and miserable, John… let it go…just let it be…”
Tears filled his eyes.. and he tried to make that promise, even as he wondered whether he could keep it, “Okay… I will…I’ll try..” he finally said to appease his dying friend.
“Love you, man…”
He winced for the other man’s pain… wishing it could be different, but accepting the facts of the situation. “Love you too…all for one, and one for all…” Dan smiled weakly. John held his friend’s hand, their teary eyes met one last time, and Dan took his last moist labored breath, then closed his. There was forgiveness and renewal, and he was
at peace. It was truly over. “Goodbye, my friend… goodbye,” John said, dropping his head to shed a silent tear or two.
Marlena squeezed his shoulder from behind and waited patiently for him to stand and turn around. After a long moment or two, her husband slowly rose from his kneeling stance, melted into her warm embrace and let out a long tortured sigh…”Oh, Doc…he was killed because of me.. just like Joe and Sarah,” he said as a lone tear made its way down his guilt ridden face.
“I’m sorry, John…. I’m so sorry, honey…but it’s not your fault,” she said, holding him closer still, willing him to believe her and to heed his friend’s warning against vengeance. She gazed toward the heavens, silently asking for help, ‘Please God… help him find it within himself to leave this alone…let this mark the end of the violence. Help him put the past to rest along with his guilt. We’ve all suffered so much… please give us our lives back.”
In the next instant, Abe and Bo came rushing across the tarmac, breathless and obviously frustrated. “We lost him… whoever he was… he’s a real pro…” John only nodded, having guessed as much. They would find nothing, no trace that a killer had ever been there. Bo and Abe looked down at Dan, having realized from the look on their friends’ faces that the battle over life and death had been waged and lost as well. All that was left was to bury the man and say goodbye.
Each man put a hand on a shoulder and paid their condolences, “I’m sorry, John…” Abe said, wishing it could have been different. Bo did the same, “Yea man… I know you wanted to… renew the friendship, if you could… I’m sorry it went down this way.”
He said very little, his mind a mass of swirling conflicting thoughts, his thinking clouded with the cumulative pain born of multiples losses. “Me too… me too,” John said in a ragged muttered whisper, fighting back tears, walking away from the scene, not wanting to watch as his friend’s lifeless body was placed in a black body bag. So cold and
impersonal it all was, when someone’s life was just snuffed out, people who had no emotional connection, preparing their cargo for the lonely trip to the Morgue. Glancing back as the transport vehicle pulled up, John whispered a soft farewell, as another tear or two found their way out of their moist confines, “Goodbye, Danny… I.. loved you. You go on and be with Sarah…and you be happy, okay?”
Marlena watched him, noticing the slump of his shoulders and the heart-broken look on his face. First there was a depth of sadness and guilt that surprised her, for all she knew that this man, Dan Heckman, had done to hurt her husband. But then his expression began to change, the sadness faded and a much darker countenance took its place.
It was a face she’d seen a few times before, always when Stefano Dimera had returned to torment them once again. She hadn’t seen it since. As she continued to analyze what she was seeing with her Psychiatrist’s eyes, his moist baby blues met hers for but an instant. In that split second, whatever she thought she’d seen was gone, hidden, locked up tight, but she knew something had been awakened from deep within his being, and it frightened her beyond words. He shut his eyes and looked away, taking a deep breath. Their meaningful exchange would go unspoken for the moment, but John knew she’d seen the look in his eyes, and hers told her that it would not be forgotten.
Chapter 81
Bated and Breathless
John stood out on the terrace looking out over the city of Salem, just staring off into the distance as the sun began to set, painting the sky in brilliant shades of orange and purple. Marlena was concerned and wanted to know what had been running through his mind. They hadn’t spoken much about all that had happened and she wanted to give him some time to make sense of it for himself, so she hadn’t pressed him to come out
of his silent mode. However, it had now been three days since the incident in Washington DC, a week since Dan’s shooting death.
Having noticed from the scattered photographs and documents that he’d been reviewing the files again, she watched him for awhile and then decided now was as good a time as any to approach him. Slipping up behind her husband, she put her arms around his waist and held him without saying anything. “Hey you,” he said casually as he leaned back, luxuriating in the warmth and comfort she radiated, glad for the company.
‘Hey yourself… are you okay?”
“Yea…. I was just.. thinking… ” he said with a soft sigh.
“About what?”
“Oh, this crazy life of mine…you know… for so long…all I could think about was getting my past back… now I have it and I feel so….”
“What…what do you feel, John… you haven’t said but two words since you came back.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Doc… ”
“John…after everything we’ve been through, nothing you say at this point can hurt me… please..”
He nodded with understanding and turned to face her… “Fair enough…okay.. it’s like this… all this time… I thought that if I had it all back… if I learned or remembered everything from my past, I’d feel…” He stopped, sighing again, and hesitated before adding, “I don’t know…at peace or something… ”
“But you don’t..” she concluded for him.
“No… I still feel… oh, sort of hollow I guess…” he said with a puzzled frown. Especially with Dan dying like that…before I could really connect with him. It’s like all those memories belong to someone else… not me. I can’t relate to my past. I mean it… doesn’t feel like me… Oh, never mind…this probably isn’t making any sense to you
at all,” he said, shaking his head and giving up with a frustrated sigh, thinking she wasn’t getting it, or he wasn’t able to adequately describehis subjective experience.
She was nodding, attempting to convey her cognizance as she took his hands in hers, “No, it is… really.. honey, it was another lifetime… so different than the one you live now… but, John… those experiences are a part of you… just as your time as Roman is a part of you. Honey, it’s going to take some time… but eventually, it’s all going to fit
together and you’ll feel settled with it.”
“You really think so, Doc?” he asked, hoping she wasn’t just saying that to ease his tension.
“Yes, I do… I really do…and that’s my best professional opinion,” she added, a twinkle in her eye so he’d know she was teasing and at the same time that she meant what she was saying.
She was so positive, so good for him… He smiled warmly and tugged her into another embrace, saying just before he kissed her, “Well, that’s good enough for me, Doctor Marlena Evans-Black.”
“I was hoping so…. Now, what do you say, you let me show *you* how glad I am to have you back here, safe and sound, no worries about what some government agency is planning to do to try to destroy our lives.”
“Oh.. well what did you have in mind, my dear?” he asked, playing along with the reversal of roles.
She chuckled, planning to take the joke further. “Well, it involves being up close and personal,” she said, whispering in his ears, making sure to blow on his neck afterward.
“Ah… I like the sound of it already,” he said, taking up her line again as he drew her nearer still.
She was giggling about this point, but her hands made some major magic as she unfastened his belt and reached inside his pants, asking seductively, “And how about the feel of it….”
His breath caught in his throat as his body began to respond to the gentle massage she was giving him, “Ooh, say no more, baby… just show me… show me everything, honey!”
“My pleasure…. If you’ll just follow me, I’ll be glad to…” she said, exaggerating the swivel of her hips as she headed for the stairs. Glancing back at him, she enjoyed the desire filled stare and the quickening of his breath she had elicited. “Aren’t you coming, honey?” Marlena asked her husband, prompting him to move.
“Uh, yea….I’m definitely coming… ” he said, mesmerized by the way her hazel eyes seemed to glitter like diamonds in the sun. “Lead the way baby… just lead the way…” he said, prepared to chase her up the stairs ifneed be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The entire Brady clan was gathered in the Brady Pub, prepared to listen to all that Abe, Bo, Roman, Mike, Marlena and John had learned about John’s past from Dan and the records he’d kept, as well as the memories John recovered on his own.
Abe was designated as the one to give them the Reader’s Digest Version, so that John didn’t have to rehash it a dozen times. On a previous occasion the two of them had exchanged a teasing grin and John would say, “And now, ladies and gentleman, I present to you my official spokesman, Abraham Carver.” This particular night, however, John was at home with his lovely wife, the couple feeling the need to be reacquainted
and relaxed in each other’s company after their long harrowing ordeal.
Abe laughed in his mind and launched into what seemed like a tall tale, “So the story is…. John was in Europe… having been raised in boarding schools in the states…he went back to Paris and was investing his past and contemplating entering the Priesthood when he met Joe. He intervened to help the man one day when he was in trouble, and was subsequently recruited to join the ISA… where he met Dan Heckman and his wife Sarah, and then later on, her sister Cassie. The four become good friends.
Unfortunately, Joe died on one of John’s first assignments; he blamed himself and Dan took John under his wing. Then a year or so later, Sarah was killed when a bullet meant for John hit her one day while they walked along the beach,. John blamed himself for both deaths; afterward, he became a little reckless and took on the most dangerous assignments that came along the pike. Dan was angry, but pretended to work things
out with him. During that time, John was approached by his superiors about working on a joint covert operation with the CIA in which he was to pose as a Catholic Priest, with the goal of pursuing Stefano Dimera. Shortly thereafter, Dan blew his cover and John was captured and held hostage, and brutally tortured. And you know the rest… he couldn’t be broken… there were other plans Stefano had so John was brainwashed and
sent to Salem…. Roman was held prisoner…. and the agencies when they knew what was taking place, never did a thing to help either of them. And then when Stefano died, they didn’t want John remembering what they’ddone to him, so they proceeded to attempt to drive him to the point of lunacy.”
Kim, who had come back to town recently, was flabbergasted by the entire story, “Wow… I never would have believed our own government would be part of something like this. Thank goodness the truth has been revealedand John and Roman can go on to live a relatively normal life now….”
“Normal, this family wouldn’t know normal if he walked up and introduced himself,” Bo offered, not really joking.
Hearty chuckles were heard all around. He had his point… and it wasn’t far from the truth. “Well, I’m just glad it’s over, John and Marlena deserve some peace for a change and John needs some rest…. he’s been through hell this past year… it’s a wonder he hasn’t been terribly ill as a result of all the pressure they put on him,” Lexie said, wondering how the couple had survived at times.
Her husband was nodding his head, having contemplated the same concern, “It really is… he’s very strong and Marlena has been remarkable…. she’s been there for him every step of the way… I think being tested so severely has brought them even closer together, if that’s possible.”
Hope was smiling, pleased for the ultimate outcome, glad to have her man back as well, considering how much time he’d spent helping John and Marlena over the past several months. “I know what you mean, but I think it has too… they’re so much in love… they never go anywhere without each other now…’
Caroline was also grateful for the couple, as well as her own son Roman, who was finally healthy again himself, having moved past his jealousy regarding the relationship. “Well you know… they *are* still newlyweds and because of everything that’s happened, they’re really just beginning the honeymoon.”
“Oh, really… so do you know where they’re going on their trip?” asked Carrie, who had been a little curious, since she was going to be helping with the children while they were gone.
Shawn and Caroline looked at each other and shook their heads, as if to say, ‘we better not.’ At last, it was Caroline who replied, “I’m sworn to secrecy…. I only know because the children are staying with us…”
“Ah, come on Ma…. you can give us a hint, can’t you?” asked Bo, who wanted to find a way to tease them from afar. Roman echoed the sentiment, “Yea… come on.. just a little hint?”
She was smiling but Caroline held her ground, “No…. Marlena would havemy head… she’s planned it all…. it’s going to be a surprise. She said he was always so romantic and planned these wonderful times together and she felt like this time she should be the one to plan something special for the two of them… They’re home right now and she’s going to tell him tonight…. They’re probably talking it over right now, as a matter
of fact.”
Bo, Hope, and Kim, glanced down at their watches, looked at each other and laughed… then Bo voiced it for the three of them, “Nope, I’d be willing to bet that talking is the *last* thing they’re doing right now.”
Those who weren’t laughing began to as they realized that Bo’s assessment was likely the accurate one. “Well, God knows after everything they’ve been through… they deserve to have some time for good lovin,’ said Shawn Brady raising his mug of beer as if toasting the couple’s good health and well being.
Here here!” said the gathering of friends and family in a collective salute, feeling relieved and safe from harm for the first time in well over a decade. The Dimera’s were dead and the government agencies responsible for a large portion of their suffering were no longer wreaking havoc in their lives. The ordeal was truly over at last and they could all breathe easy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When John entered the bedroom, his eyes flew open wide with elated surprise. She had taken a page from his book of romance, wanting to please him this time. There was cadre of pastel colored candles burning, a myriad of fresh cut flowers blooming in crystal vases, soft music playing on the stereo, a bottle of wine chilling in a bucket of ice, and a host of fancy finger foods on a tray table near the bed. The sweet seductive fragrance of her favorite perfume wafted toward the doorway where he stood, captivated as he was by her breathtaking beauty as revealed so strategically in her sexy silk negligee.
John smiled broadly, his heart swelling with newfound joy and a sense of peace he thought he might never feel.
This was going to be a night to remember….
The Final Chapter
Now and Forever
The temptation to tease him was too strong and she simply couldn’t resist, “Well, are you just going to stand there with your mouth hanging open or are you going to come over here and kiss me?”
He laughed and almost blushed…looking her up and down, “Umm no… I was just.. pausing to admire the view…. and I must say…. from where I’m standing…. it’s.. spectacular….”
“So you like this little number, do you?” she asked, twirling around in a circle, showing off her still very admirable figure in a slinky silk negligee.
“Yes…. very much…. can’t wait to see you out of it,” he said, leering at her as he took a step toward her sexy frame.
It was her turn and she giggled, “That can be arranged… but you know you’ll have to touch me first.”
Inching closer still, he winked at her and whispered passionately, “Honey, you know *that* can be arranged…. stay right where you are…..”
“Hadn’t even considered moving…”
“Good…. ” he said, undressing her with his penetrating gaze, as he advanced slowly, his physical presence commanding, his expression seductive.
She waited patiently as he crossed the remaining distance between them, her breath quickening, her body beginning to tremble inside. A few more seconds and his hands were on her face, his lips meeting hers…. his tongue finding its way inside her welcoming mouth, as his hands began to travel to tender spots, his gentle touch meant to bring much pleasure.
John concentrated on taking her breath away and she was focused on undressing him. It wasn’t long before his shirt was removed and happily tossed aside, the fingers of her left hand playing with the curly tufts of hair on the sculpted musculature of his bare chest, while her right worked on divesting him of his blue jeans. “I love you, Marlena… more today than ever before in all the life that I remember.”
She couldn’t resist a little light heartedness after all the tension they’d endured, “And that’s saying a lot….. isn’t it?”
Chuckling, he agreed, “Yea…*now* it is…. but it’s true, Doc…. I wouldn’t have survived it without you. You kept me sane…. you kept me alive…. I love you SO much!” he said just before cupping her face in his hands again, bringing their lips together, pressing his mouth on hers and kissing her with fiery passion.
Whenever I’m weary
From the battles that rage in my head…..
When it was over, she was without words for a moment or two… her glittering eyes telling him he owed her nothing, that it was all in the name of love and marriage. “I did what any loving wife would do….”
You make sense of madness
When my sanity hangs by a thread…..
Shaking his head, he peered into liquid hazel and disagreed, as his hands stroked her golden hair, “No… you went way past all that, Doc… you went to hell and back with me… some women wouldn’t be willing to go through all that….”
There was a strange light in her eyes and a line from their shared past came back to her at the perfect moment. Her lips curled in a flattering smile, she whispered, “I’m not some women….”
He beamed as his mind took him back too…. “I’m aware of that…” he said as their glistening eyes met again, embodying all that had come to pass since those early days when he had no memory at all…. “And, I’m so glad you’re not…. ” he added as he began nibbling on her neck and then her ears… blowing lightly into her ears, sending scintillating tingly sensations all over her body.
She knew from the way he was loving her that John was on his way to true happiness, finally able to rest, to find that ever elusive sense of peacein his soul and it warmed her heart. “Me too… and I’m all yours…. from now until eternity….my husband, my love, my best friend….”
I lose my way but still you seem to understand
Now and forever, I will be your man……
It made him smile…. “Best friend…..you’re that and so much more… you’re everything to me, Marlena…. and you’ve been there in the worst of times….”
She nodded and touched his face, her hands gently caressing his slightly weathered but still ruggedly handsome cheeks, “And the best of times…”
“Yes…. ” he said, his mouth hovering near hers for a soft kiss.
“Speaking of which… I uh… I have a little surprise for you” she said, slipping out of his grasp, heading toward the bedside table.
“Oh… and what’s that…”
Waving a brochure back and forth, she teased him a bit, “We’re going to have another honeymoon…. ”
“We are?” he asked, genuinely surprised and definitely pleased at the prospects.
“Umm hmm…. wanna guess where?”
There was a special glint in her eyes, “You mean you’ve got the whole thing planned already?”
” Yep… we leave tomorrow!”
He couldn’t contain his excitement, his face and blue eyes lighting up at the thought of having some pressure free time alone with her, and then it occurred to him…. “We do?… what about the kids….”
“Shawn and Caroline…. ”
It was too much to hope that she’d thought of all the details… “What about your job…and my.. neglected companies?” he wondered aloud.
She smiled triumphantly, saying, “All taken care of… I’m on leave for another month.. and Victor was more than pleased to handle things for a little while longer…. ”
He marveled at her awareness and her skills, shaking his head in amazement, drawing her closer, “Woah… lady, I must say you do work fast…”
“When I have the proper motivation… ”
“Oh, and what is that?” he asked, eyes twinkling with the same mischief he saw in her glimmering hazel ones.
Sometimes I just hold you
Too caught up in me to see
I’m holding a fortune that heaven has given to me…….
“Well, you see…. there’s this patient of mine…. and it seems that he’s been under a great deal of stress in the past year or so… ”
Grasping her firmly, bringing her toward his body, he played along, “Ah, I see…. and what pray tell did you recommend to help him with all of that stress?”
“A month of rest and relaxation…”
His face bearing a sly seductive expression, John rephrased it, as his fingertips threaded her golden tresses, “Do you mean…. recreation… ”
That made her smile and think of another possibility, “Or maybe even re-creation…. ”
He stopped his hand roving to draw out of the embrace and stare into her eyes, searching for a hint of seriousness, “You mean that… you want us to… ”
Nodding, she said, “Only if you do…. ”
“I’m willing to consider it… and you *know* I could use the practice.”
Her hands back at the task of removing his jeans, she planted a trail of soft moist kisses from his lips to his navel… whispering as she went along, “Consider yourself… in training, Mr. Black….”
“Oh, gladly… Mrs. Black…. so where are we going?”
“Sorry…. it’s a surprise.”
Watching as his jeans finally dropped to the floor, revealing only his jockey shorts as an impediment to total intimacy, he pulled her body to him saying confidently, “I bet I can get it out of you…. ”
“Try me, baby…. ” she teased, just before kissing him with intensity,her tongue flickering all around his, making him long for more.
“Of course…. you know you’re going to tell me, don’t you?” he said, feeling cocky, as he lifted her off the ground and carried her over to the bed, nearly breathless with the need of her.
Watching from a reclined position as he swirled a strawberry around in the whipped cream with a sly smile on his face, she giggled and said,
“I know I’m going to love what you do to me to try to convince me to tell you.”
“Oh, yea…. and so am I, Doc…. so am I…. ” he said as he brushed her lips with the cream and then took a bite of the berry, placing the rest of it inside her mouth. After pausing for a moment to let her chew, he licked his lips and moved in closer, watching as she ran her tongue around the edges of her own lips… inviting him in… John wasted no time, pressing his expectant mouth upon hers. In a matter of seconds they were moaning with mounting desire…. “Mmm…. oh, John…. oh, how I’ve missed you…”
I’ll try to show you each and every way I can
Now and forever, I will be your man……..
“Me too, Doc…. I’ve missed us together like this…. ” John whispered as he eagerly slipped out of his shorts.
Suddenly, she was desperate to join with him, wanting to bypass the foreplay for the real thing.. “Make love to me, John…. right now…. I need you so much… ” she said as he helped her remove her negligee, revealing the shapely slender figure John so admired.
Her husband nodded, making no sound, his eyes telling her everything she wanted to know, his hands and body responding to her expressed desire. “I need you too, Marlena… more than you’ll ever know…” he said, placing his lean frame overtop hers, preparing to enter her as she so anxiously requested he do.
Now, I can rest my worries, and always be sure
That I won’t be alone any more…..
She tugged at his back, wanting as much skin contact as possible. It had been so long since they felt this free, this easy in their lovemaking. Marlena craved him, ached for him, immersed herself in the power of her heated desire, loving the sounds of her lover as he neared the summit.
Their eyes met, exchanging unspoken messages about how special this night was, how long they’d waited to be united in this way again, how vital it was to their relationship to share such physical intimacy. “I love you forever…. you’re all I’ll ever need, Marlena Evans-Black…”
If I’d only known you were there all the time
All this time
“And you are all I ever dreamed of having in my life, I love you so…”
As their mutual ecstasy reached its apex, John nodded and allowed the words to the song on the radio say it for him, peering into loving eyes as he let her know that he was indeed her forever man….
Until the day the ocean doesn’t touch the sand
Now and forever, I will be your man
Now and forever
I will be your man….
The Jarlena Journal 