Marlena Evans imagined that this was what it must be like in heaven as she savored the experience of waking up with the man of her dreams. Now they were husband and wife at long last. She felt incredible joy to look over and see John sleeping peacefully next to her. He seemed so boyish and innocent when he slept and she very much enjoyed waking up before he did so she could just look at him and thank God that they were finally together the way they were always meant to be. She watched his chest rise and fall and leaned down to feel his heartbeat for a moment and then somewhat reluctantly got up to review the calendar to see what was on her agenda, and his as well. This was their first full day back in the real world and though she had missed the children and those normal routines of life, a part of her hated to see the blissful carefree days of their honeymoon come to an end.
Well, at least the last several days of the trip were like that, she thought, as she recalled the first harrowing day or so when both of them had been in danger and John’s life was in jeopardy due to a post-traumatic infection. Not wanting to dwell on anything negative, she quickly dismissed those memories. The Dimera trials were coming soon enough and they would have to immerse themselves in countless recollections of evil. No sense focusing on that now, she told herself as she stepped quietly across the room toward the desk.
The schedule looked fairly light, but she had that OB/GYN appointment, she always hated those. But she had felt that little…lump, probably just another cyst or something similar. Marlena was prone to benign lumps that turned out to be nothing and required no treatment of any kind. And she was feeling tired lately, more than expected especially after getting so much rest toward the last part of the honeymoon. Maybe, my iron is a little low, we didn’t exactly eat right on the trip she thought. I guess it’s a good thing I have the check-up today after all and then John will stop driving me crazy about these little things. We’ll do a little blood work and he can rest assured that everything is perfectly fine with me.
She was slightly startled to hear his voice, “Hey, you gorgeous creature …how long have you been awake, wife of mine?”
Marlena turned to him and grinned with excitement, “Oh Boy do I like the sound of that, husband of mine!”
“Yes, those two words do sound quite wonderful together, don’t they? John and Marlena, husband and wife, yea I like it. I like it!” John sat up in bed and noticing she was holding her day planner, he started to ask with a twinkle in his blue eyes, “So, what’s..u…” He had that look and she stopped him with a warning look of her of her own that told him, ‘don’t you dare say that if you value your life’ so he didn’t finish the question the way he had planned, “..on the agenda, Doc?” he added with a chuckle at her unspoken message. It was always tempting to use that phrase with her nickname, but she really did hate it and John decided it wasn’t worth the price he might pay.
Smiling about it in spite of herself, she avoided his teasing demeanor and managed to answer with a straight face, “Well, for one thing you have that meeting at Titan and I have…my OB appointment around the same time.” Marlena prepared herself for his reaction to that circumstance.
The joking was forgotten in favor of disappointment which was evident as he said, “The same time? Doc, you’ve been so tired and dizzy sometimes. I wanted to go with you to that and make sure everything is okay, remember?”
“John, I told you that you are just being a worrywort and that this is just a routine appointment, so you go on ahead to your meeting and I’ll be just fine, okay?”
He was a little frustrated by her downplaying of any potential problems, Frowning at her, he said, “But, Marlena…the fatigue, the achiness…that concerns me a lot and I wanted to be there when you talked with the doctor about it.”
She was slightly irritated with him, saying, “John, I took the first available appointment like you asked and it happened to conflict. I promise I will tell you what happens and then you’ll know that everything is fine. I’m just a little tired; it’s probably all the stress before the wedding, the move and that… incredibly….active honeymoon,” she said, those last two words uttered with the seductive tone and facial expression that always threatened to take him to another dimension. His mind’s eye took him back to the lovemaking…’Ooh it was…so amazing,’ he thought. When she thought he was nicely preoccupied, she leaned in for a kiss and finished with, “I’m feeling fine, John so please stop fussing over me.”
He sighed as he snapped to attention and realized he wasn’t going to win this one. “Okay, Doc but if anything important comes up, you make sure to call me on the cell phone, alright?”
She capitulated, “Alright, I’ll call you if there is something to be concerned about. Now why don’t you go ahead and jump in the shower while I go make the coffee,” she finished as she stood up and made a move in the direction of the bedroom doorway.
Thinking fast, John said, “Uh….you can take the first shower and I’ll make the coffee, honey.” He said it so sweetly, as if he were just being considerate, but she knew it was really about not wanting her to make the coffee.
With mock sterness, she said, “John, I thought we were clear on the cooking and coffee issue. You were supposed to compliment and not criticize at all anymore.”
He poured on the sweetness and smiled warmly, saying, “Doc, I didn’t say a word about that, I just thought you might like the first shower, that’s all, lover…” He tried to cover for the real reason, but he couldn’t help cracking a slight smile and she caught it.
His eyes gave him away for certain when she looked directly at him, “Umm hmm, I’m not buying it, John. You just didn’t want me to make the coffee, right? Come on admit it, honey.”
“Alright, that’s the reason, but I did want to offer the shower to you first. Wasn’t that nice of me, baby?” He wore a sweet boyish grin and he winked so she wouldn’t get on him any further and then he kissed her stirringly enough to distract her.
She sighed at his charms, wondering how he always managed to turn things around like he did. “Yes, sweetheart it is, go ahead and make the coffee….this time! I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
John quickly got up and pulled a robe on and hurried out of the room before she changed her mind. “Thanks Doc,” he called behind him on his way down the stairs, still smiling about their interchange.
When he got down to the kitchen John found Belle and Brady in a sea of Cheerios, milk seemingly everywhere but in their bowls and Belle said, “Wook Daddy we got breakfast ourshelves, aren’t we grown up now?”
Brady once again said, “Daddy, I tried to get her to let me pour them, but she said she was a big girl now. She wouldn’t let me pour the milk either, sorry Daddy.”
John had to stifle a laugh and speak in firm tones to Belle who looked so adorable to him; she was so proud of herself that he had to turn away from her first and compose himself. When he turned back toward her he said, “Now, Belle your mother has told you not to try to fix your own breakfast yet and you broke the rules, so that means you have to have a time out and then help to clean up the mess you made.”
She smiled disarmingly and replied, “But Daddy I was just trying to be a big girl and it was a accident. Momma says you won’t get mad about accidents.”
‘Oh how quickly they learn to bargain their way out of trouble,’ he thought. “I’m sorry, but this wouldn’t have happened if you did what Mommy said and asked for help with your breakfast, now get into the time out chair Belle.” He was firm and she still wasn’t used to his deep voice and began to cry big tears and he almost felt himself giving into her, but then he remembered what Marlena had said the other day. She’s going to be pretty sensitive with you for awhile yet, John. Your voice will scare her a little sometimes, but don’t give in to her. Just reassure her of your love and stick with whatever you were trying to do. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry if my deep voice scares you a little bit. I love you very much, but you still have to go to the time out chair for three minutes.”
Belle crossed her arms in front her and pouted but complied, sitting down hard on the chair while John began to clean up the messiest portion of the spilled food. Then when the time out was over he brought Belle over and had her use the damp sponge to help soak up the milk. It took time and quite a bit of patience, but she did clean up a good part of the damage. She concluded, “I don’t wike cweaning up messes bery much!”
Another voice was heard, “Imagine that, I don’t like to clean up messes either Belle. What do you think you might do next time so you don’t have to clean anything up?” asked Marlena as she surveyed the remains of the damage.
“Ask Mommy or Daddy for help with my cereal,” she said with some exasperation in her voice, but knowing that was exactly what her parents wanted her to say.
“That’s right, Belle. It sounds like you learned something from what happened this morning,” said John, trying to sound very parental. He hadn’t been there much for the routine issues of childrearing and he had to get used to his new role in the children’s lives.
“Yes I did, I have to be more careful next time when I do something by myself!”
John and Marlena traded glances that said, ‘What are you going to do with her?’ and then John responded seriously, “Well, I suppose that’s right, but Belle the main point is if you want something to eat you need to come to Mommy and Daddy about it, okay?”
“Okay, Daddy I will, I promise.”
Feeling rather good about the way he handled that simple little issue, John said, “Thank you, Belle I know you’ll keep that promise, sweetheart. Now how about all of us sitting down together to eat breakfast like a real family.”
“Yea, we’re a real family now! Just like I always wished for every night in my prayers!” said Brady enthusiastically.
“Me too, I’m so glad you and Mommy stopped fussing with each other so much and wearned to get along nicely. It’s just wike when you say me and Brady should play nice and share toys.”
John and Marlena were taken aback. “Belle, Mommy and Daddy didn’t fuss at each other, we…had a lot of…things to discuss and we finally solved all the problems and got married, right?” asked Marlena to whomever would answer.
Belle shook her head and said, “Silly Mommy..you had to wearn to play nice with Daddy again cause you not see each other so much for a wong time, that’s what I fink!”
Brady decided to join in on the conversation too. “Well, I think…Belle’s right because you and Mommy did have some….outside voices when you were inside and I could tell you were sad and sometimes mad by the look on your faces. But now, I see happy faces and I like that a lot better!”
Once again, Marlena and John were amazed by the insight shown by their small children and so John said, “You know what, you two are right. Mommy and Daddy had some hurt feelings and problems to talk about and sometimes we used outside voices when we shouldn’t have; we’re sorry if you were upset or worried by that. We promise to try real hard not to do that any more. But you guys need to know one thing for sure. No matter what happens, your Mommy and Daddy will always be here for you and for each other. We are married and it’s forever this time!” John spoke with firm conviction. Nothing would be allowed to come between them, for this was a forever commitment.
Marlena smiled and put her arm around John’s waist and agreed, “Your Daddy is right, we are a family now and we will always be together like this! Nothing can ever change how much we love each other and the two of you!”
The four of them shared their first breakfast together as a full family since the wedding and they all felt a great sense of peace and contentment fill their hearts as this new house took the first step toward becoming a home. The warmth and love that surrounded them there was something to be treasured, it was a gift from God.
Good News/Bad News
Marlena sat in the waiting room at Dr. Bader’s practice thinking about what could be causing her symptoms, the fatigue, the achiness in her body, the soreness of her breasts. As she was contemplating the various possibilities, a nurse was trying to gain her attention. “Dr. Evans, the doctor is ready for you now, would you please come with me?”
She snapped out of her puzzled thoughts quickly, saying, “Oh, yes I’m sorry, I was just thinking and I didn’t hear you at first.”
Within moments she was alone in an examining room wearing the familiar white gown and sitting on the examining table waiting again. Her thoughts turned back to her symptoms and she re-examined the lump…and wondered about another possibility. Soon Dr. Bader interrupted further anxious questioning when she came in, “Hello, Marlena how have you been since the wedding?”
“Well, as far as John and the children are concerned I am blissfully happy.” She paused long enough that the doctor filled in the blanks.
“But, you have some concerns about your physical condition.” Looking at the chart in front of her, the doctor said, “I see here that you’ve been dizzy, weak, fatigued…you’ve experienced some nausea and you found a lump again.”
“Yes, I have been tired a lot and have periods of dizziness. And the lump, it feels a lot like what I’ve had before, cysts or benign lumps that turn out to be nothing of concern, but you never know.” She spoke nervously, as if trying to convince herself that it was nothing important this time as well.
“Well, let’s see what we can figure out here. I’ll start with a full exam, then we’ll do some blood work, is that all right with you?” Marlena slid herself down into the stirrups…something she always hated. No matter how many times she had been examined, she could never quite feel relaxed in that position. She was glad to have Sarah examining her, however, the female physicians always seemed to be more inclined to make sure their hands were warm. Little things like that made the procedure less anxiety-producing. The physician proceeded to do a pelvic exam which appeared normal and then she waited for Marlena to resituate herself on the table, then palpated the lump in her patient’s right breast. When she was finished, Sarah Bader shared her conclusion with her friend and colleague, “Marlena, this could be one of several different types of tumors, we need to complete a more thorough examination process. It could be nothing at all or.. it could be serious.”
Nervously, Marlena asked without really meeting the other woman’s eyes, “What do your instincts tell you, Sarah?”
Not wanting to be an alarmist, the doctor replied cautiously, “Too close to call, Marlena. I don’t want to hazard a best professional guess and have it turn out to be wrong. Listen, I’ll be back in few minutes. I’m going to make some calls about setting up more tests, alright?”
“Sure, I understand and thank you for moving so swiftly on this for me, I appreciate it.”
“Of course, Marlena..what are colleagues for if you can’t get a little extra service once in awhile?” She squeezed Marlena’s hand and then left to make the arrangements for further testing to determine what it might be and in the mean time, she had the nurse come in and draw some blood for quick analysis. It wasn’t long before both the doctor and nurse came in smiling and said, “Well, we think we have the answer to at least part of your problem Marlena and we think you’re going to like it.”
She hesitated for the briefest of moments. Filling the vacuum, Marlena asked insistently, “What? Please tell me.. what is it, Sarah?”
‘No sense in beating around the bush,’ Sarah was thinking just before coming out with the truth, “Well, you’re….pregnant!” she said, happy for her friend and colleague.
A look of shock and then soon afterward an expression of pure joy covered Marlena’s face and she exclaimed gleefully, “I’m pregnant, John and I are pregnant?”
“No, Marlena, just you are pregnant. John is presumably the father, however,” said Dr. Bader with a slight chuckle and a wide smile on her face. She knew they had talked about it but definitely had not planned this pregnancy. “How do you feel about that? I know you and John have gone back and forth on whether to have another child… with your age and the fact that you’ve just gotten married after so many years apart.”
“I’m….stunned, and…..thrilled, I’m completely thrilled and John….he’ll be.. so overjoyed! You know he has always felt…bad about missing all that time with me when I carried Belle and this would give him the chance to experience that. Oh, this is just wonderful news, thank you….. thank you so much!” she cried, feeling more elated as the seconds ticked by, joyful tears forming behind her sparkling hazel eyes.
After they talked about how far along she might be and possible due dates, Dr. Bader said, “Now, I hate to say this, but we also need to deal with this lump you found, Marlena. Do you want to wait a day or so and just be happy about the baby or do you want to continue the examination right now?”
Marlena froze in place…. ‘What if ? Should I just enjoy this news with John and then deal with it or should I do it now before we both get too excited about the baby?’ She sighed and decided on the latter, “Let’s do the tests now, Sarah. I need to know what I’m facing, if there is anything to be concerned about or not, I just have to know.”
“Good decision, a hard decision but a wise one. Listen, I’m going to call the surgeon, Dr. Elizabeth Tanner, I’m sure you know of her. I’ll try to set it up for you to go see her this afternoon. Can you make it?”
“Yes, I do know of her, she’s highly recommended, and yes I can do it this afternoon, thank you. Oh, this is..such a strange experience..finding out you’re pregnant and needing to see a surgeon on the same day..”
Sarah felt bad for her friend, but it really shouldn’t be put off for long. “I know, but if you wait…you could just make matters worse. Besides…. it might be just another benign lump or even a cyst like you said.” The doctor gave her another reassuring squeeze of the hand as she turned to go, “I’ll be in touch with you and the surgeon, Marlena. Take care,” she said softly.
“Thanks for the encouragement and the good news.” As Marlena slowly dressed herself, she felt her belly; nothing showed there, but still there was a tiny life growing inside of her and it was created from the amazing, everlasting bone of love she and John shared. “Oh, my little one I know you’re in there and Mommy is going to take good care of you…don’t you worry about a thing.” She decided to go to lunch and feed herself and the baby something nutritious. The other thoughts, the big questions wanted to push their way to the front of her mind, but she wouldn’t let them come. “No, I am not going to think about that, not until I have good reason to do so.” Determinedly she walked out of the office with a smile on her face.
‘A baby, we’re going to have a baby!’ she thought and at that exact moment her cell phone rang. It was John, “Hey, baby how did your doctor’s appointment go?” There was a second’s hesitation and he asked, “Doc? Is everything okay?”
“Yes, just a routine exam like I told you, honey.” There was no sense in worrying him unnecessarily or telling him about a nice surprise like the baby over the telephone. There are few things I would like to…tell you, but this isn’t the right time. Can you meet me at the gazebo at 5:00?”
“Sure, but Marlena are you sure you’re all right, you sound…upset, or a little confused about something? Maybe, we should meet for lunch and then spend the afternoon, I can free my schedule pretty easily, honey.” He was concerned and somewhat curious.
“No!” She immediately realized she had reacted too forcefully and had to cover for it, “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I just… have…a full slate this afternoon myself and I’m feeling a little stressed because I haven’t been used to a full schedule for awhile. I’m just going to grab a quick bite and go on back to the office. So, can you meet me later at home?” she asked, wanting to get off the phone for fear of blurting out the truth, and she simply couldn’t do that.
He was still wondering what it could be that was bothering her, but he knew he should respect her privacy; she would tell him later like she said. “Okay, Doc. I..hope your afternoon goes well and I’ll see you later at home. I love you, honey and I’ll be thinking of you..”
“Oh, you’re so sweet, I love you too. Have a good afternoon yourself. Bye John.”
“Bye, Doc.” John was definitely curious and a little worried, and he found it hard to concentrate on the contracts he was supposed to be reviewing and the myriad of other aspects of his business he needed to catch up with because of his time away, both before and after the wedding. He ended up leaving early and heading on home to wait for Marlena, his thoughts focused on what could be upsetting her.
Marlena hated lying to him, no not lying, just not telling him everything. But she knew he could tell something was going on with her. They were able to read each other more all the time since the wedding; it was the most a magical aspect of their relationship. ‘Oh, John I hope at the end of the day all I have is good news for you.’ Marlena sat down at the new restaurant in the mall and ordered a chef salad, wholegrain muffin, and iced tea, decaf of course. Then she began to imagine the moment she told John about the baby…he would be so…happy about it, even though they weren’t really planning to have a child at this time in their brand new marriage, maybe not ever… she was swiftly moving well beyond traditional childbearing years as it was. However, that just didn’t seem to matter at the moment. She flashed on his smile, the one of pure joy, like the one on their wedding day and she was so immersed in the vision that she didn’t notice the passage of time. The waitress had to touch her on the arm to get her attention, saying, “Hello, ma’am your food is ready.”
“Oh, I’m sorry…thank you..” I sure have been lost in thought a lot today. Marlena enjoyed as much of the lunch as she could handle, her stomach was beginning to churn with anxiety as the time grew closer to her appointment with the surgeon. Finally, she looked at her watch one last time and said, “Okay, Marlena it’s time to go now, let’s get this overwith and then you’ll know what to do next.” She hastily paid the bill and took a short walk before going to the doctor’s office, hoping to decrease her anxiety level.
A short time later, she was once again in an examining room waiting for the physician to arrive. After a few long minutes, the doctor entered. Holding out her hand to shake, the woman said, “Hello, Dr. Evans I’m Dr. Elizabeth Tanner and I’m pleased to meet you.”
“Yes, I have heard of your fine work, I can’t say I’m really pleased to see you under these circumstances..but I am glad to meet you.”
The other woman nodded with understanding and said, “Well, let’s start with a physical exam.” The physician felt the lump and then told Marlena she wanted to run a sonogram over the breast in an attempt to determine what type of lump it might be. That result wasn’t definitive, so she said, “Marlena, I want to try to drain it, if there’s fluid to drain then we’ll know at least whether or not it’s a cyst. If not…we have to take it out. The prevailing wisdom as you probably know is, if it isn’t a cyst or we can’t determine by sonogram that a lump is simple dense breast tissue, it should come out.”
Marlena winced, and acknowledged that she actually had no idea about the prevailing wisdom. “No, actually, I haven’t kept up on everything lately, I’ve had a lot going on in the past couple of years..to put it mildly. You’re saying, unless it’s a cyst you have to surgically remove it to determine exactly what it is. Oh…no.”
“Marlena, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. I’m going to try to drain it now.” The surgeon opened the gown and put the needle into the breast tissue and moved it around to penetrate the lump. After a several long seconds she concluded, “I’m sorry, I can’t get the needle in to drain fluid, it appears that this isn’t cyst. I want to do a needle biopsy and then we’ll send it out so you’ll have a good idea what it is before you have the procedure.”
“Oh…I was so hoping it was just a cyst….” She considered the possibilities and then suddenly blurted out, “So tell me, Dr. Tanner, what’s the worst case scenario?”
As most doctors are prone to do, she encouraged her new patient to take it one small step at a time, saying, “Are you sure you want to discuss this now, we’re a long way off from that now; there are any number of possibilities.”
“I have to know, please tell me now.” Marlena was trembling slightly from the anxiety of it all and since she was a doctor she already knew the answer, but had to hear it from the surgeons’ mouth to make it real.
The doctor sighed and then said, “Okay, if you have to know..the worst case scenario is it’s breast cancer and you’ll have to terminate your pregnancy in order to pursue treatment for it.”
Marlena felt like she had been punched in the belly and she instantly put a hand there. “Terminate my pregnancy? Oh, no..” She shut her eyes, shook her head as she forced down the emotions and said, “No, I won’t think about that now, you’re right, it’s way too soon for that. Thank you for being honest with me, though.”
The doctor nodded and said matter of factly, “All right then, let’s do the biopsy now. Are you ready for this?”
“Yes, I’m ready as I’ll ever be, please go ahead, Doctor.” She had to close her eyes as the second needle went in to take some tissue for analysis. It hurt, but thankfully, it was over quickly and before she knew it, she was alone and getting dressed. ‘Two days,’ she thought as she blew out a long sigh, ‘two days of terror…waiting to know what her future held… She asked herself a question, “Oh, Marlena, what are you going to tell John?”
Marlena looked at her watch, it was 3:30 and she had some time before she was supposed to meet her husband to decide what she should tell him. Walking along the pier was always so helpful when she had a lot on her mind, so she decided to go there for awhile to consider what she would say to her unsuspecting husband. ‘Maybe I should just tell him about the baby and wait to talk about the other news when I have some real information to give him. There’s no sense in both of us worrying needlessly,’ she thought. After a long period of staring out at the calm waters of the Salem River, and a few more minutes hesitation, she set herself on that course. She wouldn’t tell John the whole story, not until she knew the details herself. ‘But how can I keep something like this from him? How can I hide my fears when he reads me so well now?’
Little Booties
It was 4:45Pm and Marlena would soon meet him to tell him what had happened at the doctors appointment. The more John thought about it, the more he worried about what she was going to say to him. She seemed upset about something, like maybe she had gotten bad news and it scared him. What if something is really wrong with her health? She hasn’t seemed herself for several weeks now. John leaned on the railing of the gazebo staring absently out at the small lake. This was one of his new thinking spots…and it was right at his own home which was so comforting to him. Not able to handle the questions and his fears without any further information, he let himself be mesmerized by the shifting shadows made by the branches of the tall trees blowing peacefully in the mid-summer’s breeze. It took him totally by surprise, therefore, when he felt two slender arms wrap themselves around his waist. John startled slightly and then turned around to face her with a smile, happy to have her with him at last. He asked pleasantly, “Hi there pretty lady. How was your day?”
She hesitated briefly and then sighed and said, “Well, let’s just say you couldn’t call it dull, John, how about yours?”
His thoughts focused completely on Marlena he said, “It was all right, but I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Marlena. What did you find out at the doctor’s office? You sounded pretty..upset or at least preoccupied when we talked on the phone.”
The concern in his face, the safety of his arms felt so warmly inviting and she wanted to just tell him everything that happened and let him comfort her, but she had determined in her mind what was best for them both and she planned to stick to her decision. She forced herself to be very happy…as she told him only the good news she had received. Marlena smiled sweetly at him and said, “Well, I have a little something here that will answer your questions quite nicely, I believe.” She reached into the small bag she had put down near them before she came up behind him and then she presented him with a little package. “Here, why don’t you open this, John,” she said with an air of mystery.
“You sure do know how to keep a guy in suspense, Mrs. Black.” He rapidly opened the small package to reveal a very tiny pair of booties and the smile on his face could have melted the polar ice caps, she thought. “Oh Doc! We’re having a baby, you and me, we’re…pregnant?” he asked incredulously.
She chuckled because it was the same thing she had said, “No, John I’m pregnant and you, of course, are the Daddy!”
Tears of joy were starting to form as he gazed at her with newfound adoration, “Oh, Marlena….I’m so….thrilled, overjoyed, actually! Oh My God we’re having a baby! We’re having a baby!!” He picked her up and twirled her around in a circle, feeling pure ecstasy and she couldn’t help but be caught up in his excitement about it; it was wonderfully contagious. Then he set her down gently and said apologetically, “Oh, I’m sorry I probably shouldn’t be doing that with you… are you okay Marlena?”
Smiling at his reaction, she allayed his concern, “John…really I’m not going to break all of a sudden, being pregnant doesn’t make me fragile, you know.”
His face was filled with mirth and it warmed her heart to see him so happy. “Oh, yea you’re right, I’m just so excited about this, Doc! I want to tell everyone we love, Shawn, Caroline, Abe…Bo, everybody!”
“No!” Again she had to cover her reaction…”I mean, it’s a little too early in the pregnancy and I don’t want to make it public just yet, I am an older mother and this could be a rough pregnancy, John.”
Suddenly, it occurred to him that he hadn’t considered everything she might be feeling about the situation they were in, “You mean you’re worried about whether you’ll be able to carry it full term. Oh, Doc I didn’t even think of that, are you okay with..having this baby?” he asked sincerely, making a gesture toward her abdomen.
“Of course I am, John,” she said as she rubbed her belly. “This baby comes from the amazing and indestructible bond of love we share and I am so happy about it that words can’t express how I feel right now.” She started to cry and he wiped away the tears and kissed her so tenderly and gently that she lost all the negative thoughts. They were swept away in the love she felt emanating from John, and the depth of love she felt for him in return.
He stepped closer and very carefully placed one hand on her belly which didn’t even indicate outwardly that there was a life growing inside of her. As he did so, he started to wax philosophical, “You are so right, Doc! You know it’s almost like our love has come full circle now. We have two beautiful children, but we didn’t get to share the time of bringing them into the world and into a family together, and now.. we have that chance. This is so…wonderful, Marlena. I love you so much!” John pulled her close and kissed her tenderly, almost worshipfully and it made her feel cherished in a whole new way. John impulsively leaned down and put his head near her belly, then said adoringly, “Hey…baby…Daddy loves you.”
His words and actions touched her so, but the fear came rushing in as well. If only I could tell you, John, what else happened today. No, she couldn’t take this joy from him, it just wouldn’t be right. “Oh, John you’re right, this baby will bind us all together in a very special way…I’m very happy about it sweety.”
“Well, can we tell the kids? No, never mind if…well I guess we should wait, huh?” He wanted to be sensitive to her feelings, but he was aching to tell someone, his jubilance, glorious to witness.
“Honey, I can see how excited you are about this, but I’m only about six weeks pregnant and I would like to get at least to the three month mark before we announce it to everyone, is that okay?”
He was crestfallen, but tried to hide it and he looked boyishly adorable to her in that moment and she wanted to hold him in her arms forever. Trying to act as though he wasn’t disappointed, he simply said, “Yea, it’s okay if that’s what will make things more comfortable for you, Doc. Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.”
There was silence and then after a few minutes John said anxiously, as if he was thinking about how long it was to wait. Like a child waiting for Christmas, he said, “Three months, Doc that’s a long way off! How in the heck can you expect me to keep quiet for that long?”
Chuckling, she said, “You are too much, you know that. All right, you can tell one person and only one person, can you handle that?”
“Yes, I can handle that. I’m going to tell Abe, okay?” He made a quick move and it appeared as though he was ready to race for the phone to call his friend and had to restrain himself, realizing that he didn’t want to leave her standing alone. “Uh, but I can.. wait a little while…of course,” he said trying to cover for himself, but failing, a sheepish smile slowly creeping across his rugged features.
She simply shook her head and giggled at him, then said, “You are just too funny, John!”
“No, I am just a proud expectant father who wants to tell the world how happy he is and how much in love he is with his pregnant bride! John went to the railing of the gazebo and shouted, “WE’RE HAVING A BABY!! and I’m the happiest, luckiest man on the planet!!” John turned back to her and said passionately, “I love you so much Doc!”
Marlena felt so filled with love for the man standing before her and hoped to God that the news she would receive in two days was good news. In her mind she said, ‘Oh, John, I am so thrilled to see how happy this makes you, I want you to be this happy all the time. She went over to her husband and pulled him into a kiss that demonstrated the intensity of the love she felt for him and he responded quickly and powerfully to it. “Mmmm, Doc.. that’s so nice, what do you say to a little….celebration up in that master suite of ours, the nanny can stay over can’t she?”
“Yes, I’m sure she can, John…ummm, ooh John…we better move this inside pretty quickly honey..” she said, as his kisses and deft touch was already arousing her significantly.
“You’re right, better get a move on here.” He swept her off her feet and carried her up the stairs to the house, not even cognizant of the fact that it was a long uphill trek from the waterfront. John continued to kiss her as they walked and then abruptly released her lips. “Oh, Doc I can’t keep doing that if I’m going to make it up the stairs..” His own desire was growing by the second.
“Okay, I’ll wait. No, on second thought, why don’t you set me down and then we can walk and kiss at the same time..we’ve gotten pretty good at that lately.”
“Yes, we have haven’t we, especially when going up staircases.” John set her down and he took the position of walking backwards up the stairs and she was on the step below and they somehow managed to lock lips and keep climbing upward. It was quite a skill, actually, one usually only practiced by newlyweds, they had decided.
Soon they were at the deck and they entered the kitchen to see the part-time cook preparing dinner for them. A part-time cook was the best John could get Marlena to agree to and then only with the proviso that he would teach Marlena to cook when John was nowhere near the house to tease her about her botched efforts. He had reluctantly agreed to the deal. “Hello there, Antonio…good to see you tonight..what are you cookin?”
This was a man who knew romance as well as cooking and he said, “Nothing as…good as what you’re cooking I’m afraid…I’m glad to see you so happy together, it warms my heart to see such love in your eyes.”
Marlena blushed a little and John said, “That obvious are we?”
“Senior..you are newlyweds…it’s wonderful this amore, eh? Besides I saw you coming up the stairs outside…pretty tricky maneuver.”
Marlena blushed more noticeably, covered her mouth with one hand and giggled and said, “Uh, John….let’s get out of here while we still have some dignity left, shall we?”
“Sure, Doc…uh…see you later Antonio and uh….hold that dinner, would you please ?”John winked and then turned to take Marlena upstairs with him, tugging expectantly on her arm. He wasn’t going to let a little embarrassment stop him now.
“John! We can’t….go up there, now and… with him…knowing..”
“Why not? He just said it all, Doc, we’re newlyweds. People expect this sort of behavior from newlyweds..come on where’s your spirit of adventure?” John asked with a very sexy wink, while continuing his insistent tug on her arm. Then he abruptly picked her up again and she shrieked, “John!” as he headed toward the staircase. The sounds of their love and laughter floated down over the balcony and on down the stairs as they reached the second floor.
Antonio smiled admiringly at the joyful loving noises made by the newly married couple, of whom he was becoming quite fond and said it again, “Ah, this amore…it’s a wonderful thing!”
The Joy of Creation
John and Marlena Black made love like never before. This was a wondrous celebration of love and the joy of creation. From their incredible and indescribable bond of love would someday come another new life, and John’s heart was overflowing with love and desire for the amazingly gorgeous woman in his arms. In his eyes, she was the most beautiful woman in the entire universe, and not just because of her many attractive physical attributes, but beautiful in every sense of the word. This was the lady who had literally given him a life, a feeling of hope, and a sense of belonging when he had nothing and nobody to turn to for help. In his fear and uncertainty, she had appeared like an angel of mercy piercing the darkness of his empty mind. Marlena Evans had reached out to the mysterious stranger with bandages on his face and it was the beginning of a lifelong love and friendship that had somehow withstood every imaginable challenge life had to offer, and then some. The culmination of that relationship was this marriage and the upcoming addition of a new family member formed from that amazing bond of everlasting love.
With mirthful mist in his eyes, he leaned over her and reached out to caress her face tenderly with his right hand and said, “I didn’t think it was possible for me to love you any more than I did on our wedding day and through our honeymoon, but I do. My love for you grows with each passing second, Marlena. I love you so much, Doc! You and the kids are my whole world…Oh Doc…this is so amazing…a baby…we’re going to have another baby.”
His voice and the expression on his face made her feel like she had just entered heaven, it was so dreamy, so worshipful. This man loved her like no other and she allowed her heart and soul to be filled with him. “Oh, John…honey, I am so glad you’re happy about this and I am too. I have always felt bad that you weren’t able to share the time before Belle was born and I’m so thrilled for both of us that you can be with me through the whole thing this time.”
“Oh, Doc..me too! I want you to tell me everything…every little ache and pain… I wanna know every time the baby kicks so I can feel it too! I mean it Doc….everything! I am so excited about this….I can hardly believe it’s real!”
She couldn’t remember ever seeing him quite so happy and it made her feel warm and tingly inside to look at his beaming smile, to see the sheer delight in his eyes and hear the nearly overwhelming love in his voice and his words. “John….you are the most wonderful man in the world to me and I am so glad to have another chance to share this experience with you, my….true love. I love you so…” It was at that moment that she came to a decision. No matter what she learned in 48 hours, she was going to keep this baby.
He kissed her softly and then reached down and rubbed his hands gently over her belly where eventually there would be external evidence of the new life that was being created within her womb, even as they spoke. “Hey little one,” he said sweetly. “Daddy’s out here..and he loves you so much already. I can hardly wait to see you. You are made from the greatest of love’s and you are going to be warmly welcomed into this world by your mother and me and your big brother and sister too.”
She was listening and loving the feeling of being with her husband and sharing such good news and then it happened. His hands moved away from her belly, he was touching her on the breast and his fingertips found the lump. Instinctively, she flinched, even before his brain could identify what his finger had touched, and he saw something in her eyes that couldn’t be ignored. “Doc…. what…is it?” he asked with worry in his voice.
“Nothing, you just….startled me. I…uh was daydreaming and it surprised me when you touched me there, that’s all, John.” She tried to pass it off, but he didn’t buy it. There was definitely more to the story than she was telling him.
“No, Doc….tell me the truth. I saw…..fear in your eyes. What are you afraid of, Marlena? I didn’t hurt you and I didn’t scare you so why did you pull away from me just now?” John felt a sense of panic, he had touched something….hard. He reached for her again, near the same spot and she practically jumped out of bed, though she must have thought she covered well as she said, “Oh…John. I just remembered I told Shawn and Caroline I’d bring the kids by tonight and they were expecting me soon.”
John stood up and grabbed her hands and held them up in front of the two of them, like that night on the pier so long ago. One hand was clenched in that same way. He was very concerned, but he kept his touch gentle and his voice soft and tender, “Doc….honey…you’re afraid of something. I know it’s not me and it’s not about us or this baby. So please tell me…. what is upsetting you?”
Marlena was silent, working hard to come up with something that he would believe, she just couldn’t spoil his happiness with her fears. She had to turn away from him to maintain her composure and come up with some reasonble explanation for her actions. Finally, she turned back to him and said, “Well, actually you’re wrong, John. It is about the baby…you see, the doctor told me that…because I’m older…there could be some fairly serious problems and I just got to thinking about them. When you touched me a minute ago, I was startled because I was thinking and beginning to get scared about losing the baby…you’re so excited about it and I would hate it if something happened to ruin this for us, John.”
That did seem plausible to him and he forgot for a minute what he felt in her breast. Taking her tenderly in his strong arms, he encouraged her, “Oh, honey….we’re going to make sure you get plenty of rest and relaxation. We’ll do everything the way we’re supposed to and you and the baby will be just fine. Try not to worry ahead of time, that will only make it more stressful for you, that’s what you’ve always told me, anyway.”
She smiled in response to his efforts to encourage and support her, “Thank you, honey…you’re right. I need to focus on the positives and hope there aren’t any difficulties we can’t handle.” Marlena kissed him passionately and he forgot all about his concern and she secretly breathed a sigh of relief. One little crisis averted for the moment. She couldn’t bear it if his extreme joy was taken away needlessly. Now, she had to keep him from touching that exact spot for two days…it seemed impossible, but she could manage it. After that…well, she couldn’t think about it at this very moment. Marlena wanted to enjoy his excitement over the pregnancy, he was so obviously thrilled by the idea of having another child, sharing the joyful anticipation of the birth…all of it, and that was so terrific.
John hadn’t talk about it, but every once in awhile she caught him looking at the pictures of her during the pregnancy with Belle and the ones taken on the day of their daughter’s birth and the early days that followed. It was clear that he still wished he had been with her during that important time of bonding as a father, and as a family with their daughter. This time he planned to be there every step of the way and it was glorious for her to experience the depth of the love he felt for her and wanted to shower on her during this next nine months. As she looked across the room at him, he was holding the pair of booties she had given him in answer to his question about her doctor’s appointment. He had tears in his eyes again and it appeared that he was daydreaming… ‘Oh, John…I love to see you so happy. I hope nothing happens to take this joy away from you. Dear God…please don’t let it be bad news, don’t take this from us, let us keep this happiness, please!’ she prayed, silently, almost in desperation as she made a move toward the bathroom,
“Well, honey, I think I’ll go get a quick shower and then take the kids to the pub. After that we should have the evening all to ourselves.”
“Oh, I do like the sound of that, I get to worship that body of yours some more and you do know how very much I like to do that!” he said with glee.
“Yes..I sort of got the idea on that glorious honeymoon we just returned from the other day, John.”
“Mmm hmm. Speaking of honeymoon-like activity…do you have any idea when you got pregnant, Doc? I’m kind of…curious because I was wondering if it was…”
She smiled…knowing what day he was wondering about, “That day we almost broke it off for good, John. Is that the day you were thinking of?”
“Well, uh…yea… I guess it was. We really made some… ” He paused trying to think of the most accurate word to describe the intensity of passion and desire they experienced for each other during the gutwrenching process of breaking off the relationship because of Marlena’s ongoing doubts and anger about John’s time with Kristen.
“Some amazing…spine shattering love…is that the what you’re trying to say, John?”
“Well, uh…yes, I guess I was. We did… I thought our love was ending and you were trying to..” He stopped again, not wanting to say the wrong word and upset her by making her think he still held that against her.
“I was trying to hold onto you…..I’ll admit it, John. I was desperate and I basically…forced myself on you because I wanted to make sure that you were reminded of exactly what you were walking away from. I didn’t want my lingering doubts about…the past to ruin our future and I felt like I had to push the issue.”
Remembering what it felt like to surrender to her aggressive lovemaking that afternoon in June, he replied with a dreamy tone of voice and a warm smile on his face, “Ooh, you sure did, Doc….that was some of the most..incredible love we’ve ever made. So is that when you think you conceived?”
She smiled on the memory and at the look on his face as he recalled that day. “Actually….yes I do. It makes perfect sense to me that it would be that day, John. Based on when the symptoms started…everything. I truly believe that I got pregnant on the day we almost broke up. Isn’t that amazing, John?
His thoughts took him back there again and he agreed wholeheartedly, “Yea…..it is, it really is. That was one of the worst and also one of the best days of my entire life, especially when you came after me to tell me God had touched your heart with total forgiveness for me. And now…to think it was sealed by creating a child from the love we made trying to hang onto the relationship…it brings it all full circle, Doc. Wow…it’s truly amazing isn’t it?” John’s face bore a slightly bedazzled expression as he put it all together in his head. “I’m so in love with you Marlena and so very happy!” John said before he took her in his arms and kissed her with such fiery passion that she swooned.
When she recovered her breath she said, “Yes…it really is incredible John. I love you so much! Now..I really better go get cleaned up or our quiet evening alone is going to be spent sleeping. You know how tired I am in early pregnancy…” She stopped, remembering that he didn’t know that, he wasn’t with her during those times of her life, and she could see from the slight frown on his face that it hurt a little to be reminded of that fact.
Quietly, he replied, “Uh..no, I didn’t… but I believe you. Go ahead, get a shower, Marlena, I’ll see you in a few minutes.” Before she was out of the room completely, he picked up the littl booties again and stared lovingly at them… “A baby….Oh, Doc…I know I wasn’t there for you those other times, but you’ve just made me the happiest man on the face of this earth and I’m going to be there every step of the way this time. All right!”
After getting half dressed in his jeans, John was so excited, he wanted to share his joy with someone else. He picked up the phone to tell the one person his wife said he could tell. As his friend answered, John wasted no time at all and said, “Abe…you aren’t going to believe this but…Marlena and I..we’re… expecting another baby!” John exclaimed. Abe was thrilled for his best buddy. John and Marlena had been through so much pain in their lives, it was wonderful to see them have a chance at true happiness and the joy of bringing another child into the world together was about as good as it could get for them.
“Oh, John.. that’s great news! Congratulations, buddy! I am so happy for you!” After a beat Abe added, “We weren’t going to tell anyone yet, but we think Lexie might be too, she’s going in soon to find out for certain.”
John’s voice sounded even more joyful, if that were possible, as he responded to that possibility, “Really? Abe…that would be..amazing, all of us sharing that kind of excitement at the same time.” Pumping a fist excitedly, he added, “Woah..that would just be so…great!”
Love Can Make Your Fears Disappear
From Marlena’s perspective, the next problem was figuring how she could have the surgical biopsy without John knowing about it….that was pretty tricky, probably impossible. The only solution she could come up with was to tell him about it when it was over, no matter what the outcome. There would be no way to hide the fact that she had surgery…unless…she went away for awhile…no..that would never work. He knew her too well, she would never leave right after finding out such exciting news. What about feigning severe morning sickness…. not too much of a stretch. She was already nauseated and so tired…maybe she could maneuver herself into a safe position by using those symptoms so that he wouldn’t expect sex for awhile. That way she could hide the fact of having any kind of procedure from him, at least until she was sure about the whole situation herself and the wound was mostly healed. That’s it….that’s what I’ll do, I just can’t spoil his happiness,” she told hersef as she undressed and climbed into the shower. Briefly, she considered how he would feel about her hiding something like that from him, but quickly dismissed the concern, she was already set on a course of action and planned to follow it through, provided she had control over the situation.
“Hi, sweety…did you call Abe?” she asked knowing the answer he would give, as she came out of the bathroom drying her hair with a towel.
“Yea…I did, he said with a smile, “and guess what, he thinks Lexie is pregnant too, they’re going to find out real soon. She has an OB appointment in a couple of days. We might get to share the excitement of having a child with them, isn’t that great?”
There was a twinge of some…undefinable emotion that she couldn’t quite identify. “Yes, honey…that’s great news!” She wished she could just be happy like he was. ‘It’s so hard to keep this to myself but I have to, I just have to,’ she told herself.
John noticed the odd expression that appeared momentarily and then was gone, “Doc, are you all right… what is it?” he asked with concern as he took a step toward her.
“Nothing, honey…just a little tired I guess,” she lied.. ‘Oh, I hate lying… why do I do this to myself?’ she thought as she put on a weak smile. “I’m sorry, John. Yes, it really would be wonderful to share the experience of expecting a child with Abe and Lexie. I hope she’s pregnant too.”
John was looking out the window again as he said, “Well, we’ll find out soon, then maybe we can all go have a quiet celebration, at the Grill, what do you think of that idea, Doc?” When she didn’t answer, he turned his gaze away from the gazebo where she had told him the happy news to look at her and she was staring off into space. “Doc…honey….what’s going on with you?”
“Oh… John, I’m sorry, I was just thinking about…what the doctor said again, you know about this being a risky pregnancy. I’m afraid, John… could you hold me?”
“Of course…I’m sorry, here I am going on about Lexie..and Abe and celebrating together when I should be concentrating on you. Forgive me?”
“John..don’t be silly, it’s fine for you to be happy for Abe and Lexie, they’ve talked about having a child for such a long time. I’m glad for them, I really am.” She was happy for the other couple’s potential good news, but also frightened for herself. Expecting a baby was a wonderful place to be, but her enthusiasm was tempered by the other possibility, the one she didn’t yet want to face. “I’m sorry to be so preoccupied, I’ll just have to stop dwelling on the negatives, won’t I?”
“Yes…you will, Doc…we’ll take everything one step at a time and right now… I can think of something to distract you from your worries.” He suddenly pulled her in close to his body for a passionate kiss, his tongue wrapping itself around hers in a way that captivated her and took her breath for the moment.
“Oh, honey… I”ll never…get…the kids.. to Shawn and Caroline’s at this rate.” She attempted to disentangle herself from his grasp, but the way he was working his hands on her backside made her drop the towel and John took full advantage of her nakedness and her vulnerability.
Kissing and touching her in ways that stimulated his own desire, he said, “Now…what were you saying..Doc?”
She was lightheaded with her desire for him and all rational thought was rapidly disappearing, “Oh…John….I…uh…. can’t ….remember. Oooh, touch me like that again…oh, yea…oh….”
John didn’t waste another second, he scooped her up and carried her a few steps across the room to the bed, gently laying her down, his lips barely breaking contact the entire time. Between kissses starting with her face and moving lower, he said, “I love you lady…and I… will go on… making…love to.. you this way….forever…and ever….and ever.”
He was making her crazy…her need for him increasing with each kiss, each deft touch of his gentle hands. “Ooh….you’ll get no complaints, John…. Oh, honey… I guess Shawn and Caroline can keep the chowder warm… a little longer, can’t they?” At last she surrendered completely, “All right, John.. have your way with me!”
“Oh, baby…those were just the words I was waiting to hear…. Baby! We’re having a baby!” He stopped, deciding he wanted the focus elsewhere for the time being, and added, “But right now…I got the Momma all to myself, all right!” With that, he began to devour her flesh, biting her shoulder gently in a way that made her swoon with pleasure and the anticipation of more fiery lovemaking. Each time they shared themselves in total intimacy this way seemed to increase their pleasure and bring them closer emotionally which astounded them both. They secretly wondered just how much better it could possibly get.
An hour later, Marlena was actually dressed and sitting at the vanity table finishing up with her hair and makeup and John, who had still not donned a shirt, snuck up behind her, nibbling on her neck and earlobes. “Hey…pretty lady, care to go for the triple crown?” he asked with a sexy whisper.
She was determined this time. “John….honey…stop that…please… ooh, you know.. what that does to me.” Now, he had his hands around her and was beginning to caress her breasts while still kissing and nibbling. Recognizing that she didn’t have long before she would give in, Marlena jumped up unexpectedly, accidently smashing his chin with her head.
The sudden upward and forceful impact of her skull on his chin took him completely by surprise and it caused John to go down instantly. Landing painfully on the hardwood floor, his hands moving instinctively to the injured spot, he cried out, “Ow! Oh, Doc…that really hurt!” he groaned while rolling back and forth, cradling the right side of his jaw in his hands.
She turned and then bent down next to him, “Oh, John I’m sorry, honey… I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just knew that if I let you go much further I wouldn’t be able to resist temptation. Let me look at it, honey.. I’m so sorry, John.”
Dazed by the blow, it was hard to think straight, but he managed to say. “Doc.. all you had to do was say no.. Oh, man do you have a hard head!” John said while trying to sit up. He moved his hands so she could see the damage.
She was slightly alarmed at first, but nothing seemed broken upon closer examination, so she was relieved. “Oh, John…..the bruise is starting to show and it’s swollen already…Oh, honey I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to do that at all. Let me go get you an ice pack.”
The pain seemed to increase by the minute, and he tried to joke to distract himself, “Geez, we’ve been married for less than a month and you’re already fighting me off…I guess the honeymoon’s over huh?” John asked, trying to make himself laugh and then when he did, it hurt even more…”Oh, Doc..it hurts to laugh.”
Though he was obviously in significant pain, she couldn’t stop herself. “Well, if it hurts when you laugh….then…maybe..”
John joined her in spite of himself, “Then you should stop laughing. Very funny, Doc… Oh, just go get me the ice pack, you….brute!” John groaned and resumed the cradle hold on his jaw as Marlena guided him slowly toward the bed where he could lie down to wait for her.
She smiled and chuckled as she said, “Oh honey…I really am sorry. I guess I just don’t know my own strength.” Once he was safely on the bed she flexed her arm muscles, which were easily visible in the sundress, to tease him.
“You think you’re just so…funny…don’t you, Marlena? I swear if you tell anyone how this happened…. you will rue the day.”
She couldn’t help but giggle slightly at his predicament, since he was already making light of it himself. “John, honey… it’s nothing to be embarassed about, it was a fair fight, my skull against your undefended chin…really, I don’t think anyone will laugh at you when I tell the story.”
Doc….I’m warning you..” He started to get up and go after her, but the pain flared and he quickly laid back down. Marlena ran out of the room calling out behind her, “Just lie still honey. Moving around too much will only increase the pain, I’ll be back soon with the icepack, right after I make a few phone calls.”
“Doc! Don’t you dare! Doc!” he cried, the anxiety he felt, obvoius in his voice. After she was out of earshot, he felt the pain even more acutely, “Oh, man this hurts! She has a very hard head. Ow!” he groaned, still holding his face in his hands, as if that could stop the pain and protect him from more.
As Marlena raced down the stairs she realized that it was in these crazy, silly moments when she felt the most loved, the most at peace and content with the love between herself and John. Funny how life is, how your fears can disappear in a moment of silliness with the man you love. When she was in the kitchen, she walked over and punched the intercom button, “John…don’t worry, I won’t call anyone, I’ll be right up there with the icepack. I love you.”
“I love you too, Marlena, but please hurry. All kidding aside, it’s really starting to throb.”
Even with all the teasing, she did feel bad for him and it was her fault, after all. “I’ll be right there and I really am sorry, John,” she said more sympathetically.
“I know,” was all he said in response, and it was all he needed to say. The love, forgiveness, and understanding were there in those two little words. This love between John and Marlena was the forever kind of love, the kind of love that the apostle Paul talked about in I Corinthians 13. That scripture said, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” Marlena suddenly had the sense that their love was about to be tested beyond anything they had ever experienced before as a couple and she turned to God in prayer, “Dear God, please guide us through the days, weeks and months ahead, give us the strength and wisdom we need for difficult choices and let our love prevail in all circumstances.”
Life is Full of Joys and Sorrows
John Black, entrepreneur extraordinaire came bounding mirthfully into his friend Commander Abraham Carver’s office at the Salem Police Department, almost looking like he was walking on air. He was finally married to the woman he truly loved and they were expecting another child. His heart was filled with joy; life just couldn’t get any better than that. If it weren’t for the nagging sense that Marlena was afraid or maybe… hiding something important from him, his life would be absolutely perfect, for once. Not wanting to dwell on anything negative, he forced that concern from his mind as he entered his friend’s office, saying, “Hey…Abe…what’s up with you today?” knowing full well that this was the day of Lexie’s all important OB appointment.
Abe didn’t notice that John didn’t knock…again, he was too preoccupied and anxious to be concerned with details like that. “Same old..same old around here, but Lexie is another story. She’s gonna call any minute with the news… I can’t wait buddy, I can’t concentrate on much of anything right now.” The nervousness he was experiencing obvious, he asked again, “Did I say Lexie’s should know something any time now?”
John, who had taken his customary spot, sitting on the corner of Abe’s desk, chuckled as he recalled his own emotions about the same situation, “Oh, I know that feeling…I sure hope you get the answer you want partner, I know how long you’ve wanted to start a family with Lexie.”
Getting up to fix yet another unnecessary cup of coffee for himself, Abe agreed on that front, “Yea..it took me so long to convince her that it was okay for us to bring a child into the neighborhood where we live, that we could keep our child safe and then she found out Stefano was her father and she backed off again. The time is finally right for us, John.”
Before they could say anything more, the phone rang and they froze for a second before Abe said, “This is it!” and picked it up. “Carver here,” he said just in case it wasn’t Lexie.
“Abe…it’s me. We were right, Abe, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby, honey!” Lexie exclaimed with glee.
His warm brown eyes danced with delight and a smile of sheer joy spread across his face as he responded to her, “Oh, Lex….I’m so happy! Come over here as soon as you’re finished! I want to hold you and show you how happy I am about this. Oh… a baby, we’re finally going to have a baby!”
Tearfully, she said as she touched her belly, “I know… I can hardly believe it, Abe. Listen, I need to finish up here, but I’ll be there in a little while. I love you, honey… so much!”
“And I love you..Lex…very much, I can’t wait to see you!”
Abe hung up the phone and his face had the same dreamy expression that John’s had for the past couple of days. Putting his hand out for his buddy to shake, John said excitedly, “Congratulations partner! I’m so happy for you!”
His friend smiled widely and said, “Thanks, John…I’m totally thrilled… and to share it with you and Marlena…well, that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you two.” Both men stood there in silence for a moment and then slowly moved closer and John pulled Abe into a rough hug with a couple of hearty back slaps, before ending the embrace.
As the hug ended, John said, “Abe…I am completely thrilled for you…for all of us, I want to call Doc and tell her the good news, I’m sure she’d like to hear. Is that okay?” he asked hopefully.
“Sure…John, go ahead,” said Abe as he tried unsuccessfully to focus his attention back on his work, to give him something to do while he waited for Lexie to arrive.
Marlena sat by the phone in her office waiting for the call to come in from Sarah Bader, the call that was going to bring joy or sorrow. She pictured John’s face when he looked at the little booties and realized she was pregnant… “Oh, John, you’re so happy about the baby. I hope that nothing spoils it for you.” Suddenly the phone rang, and it seemed that the sound was louder than normal. Or maybe it was just that she was daydreaming all the time and was startled easily. She stared at it for a second or two before picking it up, “Hello?” she said, the anxiety she felt obvious to the caller.
“Doc…you sound…worried again. Honey…what is it, what’s bothering you so much?” John asked with concern.
“Nothing..honey..I’m fine, really. Why did you call sweety?” she said pleasantly, hoping he would just let it go. She needed to know the results of the needle biopsy before she could make any decisions or tell him anything more.
“Well, if you’re sure…nothing’s wrong. The reason I called is to tell you that Abe was right, Lexie’s going to have a baby too, isn’t that great?” he said less excitedly than he would have if she seemed happier herself.
With subdued enthusiasm she replied, “Oh, yes….honey, it’s wonderful, really. I’m very happy for them.”
Something wasn’t right….John knew it, but he couldn’t pin it down. Marlena was…upset or at the least preoccupied about something again and she wouldn’t tell him. Why? “Honey….listen to me, I know that you are upset about something and I want you to tell me. We promised after that ordeal with Kristen that there would be no more holding back, do you remember?”
He was getting too good at reading her lately, “Oh, John please…..you’re such a worrywort, I’m just fine. Now, why don’t you go ahead and schedule that….celebration with Abe and Lexie that you talked about the other day…okay?”
She seemed more positive and the fact that she mentioned going out to the Grill was a good sign, so he just agreed and let it go, for the time being. “All right, Doc I’ll call you later with the details, okay?”
“Sounds good sweetheart, I love you.”
“And I love you…very much.. Bye Doc.” John couldn’t shake the sense that she was bothered by something significant, other than her risky pregnancy about which there were no details at the moment. Nevertheless, he decided not to push her. She would probably come to him with whatever it was when she was ready, and he believed he could wait for her.
Marlena breathed a sigh of relief to get him off the phone; she didn’t want any more delays, the waiting and wondering was absolutely terrifying. Within five minutes the phone rang again, “Hello?”
“Marlena, it’s Sarah…I have the results of the biopsy…do you want to come see me or have me tell you over the phone?” she asked, to give Marlena an option.
The anxiety was rising quickly, “Oh…just tell me, Sarah,” she answered, knowing it wasn’t good news if the woman gave her that choice.
The doctor was hesitant to tell her. “It was positive…for breast cancer, Marlena. I’m… sorry, I’m so sorry,” Sarah said with tears in her eyes.
“Oh…my God! Oh, my God!” Marlena cried out and then was silent for several moments, letting reality begin to sink in. “Well…what happens next?” she managed to ask.
She replied matter of factly, believing that was the best way, “Well, you have the surgical biopsy as scheduled tomorrow and then based on what they find, you work with the oncologist to decide on a course of treatment..probably involving radiation, chemotherapy and more surgery, depending on exactly what Dr. Tanner finds when she removes the lump.”
Now it was real. There could be no avoiding or denying the truth; she had cancer. Her hands moving instinctively toward her belly, she cried out fearfully, “Oh.. God, Sarah! What about…the baby?”
From the fear in her voice it was clear that Marlena needed her physical presence and Sarah said, “Marlena…I’m coming to your office, you stay there and wait for me, all right?”
“Okay…okay, Sarah…thank you.” Marlena sat in the chair behind her desk and wept quietly. She was still holding the phone receiver in her hand as Sarah Bader arrived.
“Marlena…I’m sorry…I wish I could have told you something different.” She approached Marlena slowly and then gently took her friend in her arms, both weeping for a minute or two.
Finally, Marlena stepped away and asked again, “Sarah….what am I going to do about my baby?”
“Marlena…you know that in order to pursue the necessary cancer treatment, you’ll have to….terminate your pregnancy, I’m so sorry.”
Shaking her head, tears beginning to fall, Marlena strongly denied it, “Oh, no…no…I can’t do that, Sarah! You should see how happy John is about this baby! He lost one with Kristen and then he lost John Jr. too…and now, you expect me to tell him I have to kill his child to save my life… how can I do that to him, Sarah?” she asked desperately, while running her hands protectively over her belly.
Dr. Bader could hear the wheels of her friend’s mind turning and didn’t like what she was hearing, “Oh, Marlena…I understand how painful this decision is for you and how difficult it will be for John to lose another child, but he loves you very much and I know he would want you to choose to save your own life. He’s been through this before and I saw what it did to him to lose Isabella, so did you. I can’t believe that he would want you to keep the baby and risk losing your life.”
Walking anxiously around her office, Marlena responded, “Oh, I don’t know… I don’t know! Sarah, I didn’t even tell John that I had the needle biopsy because I wanted to wait until I knew the results and now… I’m still not sure..” It was different to have contemplated this dilemma, but to actually face up to it seemed impossible. Truthfully, she would need to wait until the surgical biopsy was complete to make any real decision about her future because then they would know what type of cancer it was and how much it had progressed, how aggressive it was, etc. Then, the choice would be imminent.
Seeing how distressed Marlena was, Sarah made what she thought was a helpful suggestion, “Why don’t you let me call John, he’ll be so supportive and you can face this situation together, Marlena.”
She reacted quite strongly to that idea, “No! No, don’t call him, I don’t want him to know. I have to know what I’m up against and then…I’ll decide what to tell John, if anything.”
Sarah was shocked by that response. “Marlena…..you already know that it’s cancer! John is your husband, how can you possibly even think of keeping something so serious from him?”
Continuing to walk around her office in a way that was much like pacing, Marlena answered, “Sarah, you may not understand this… You see, I love this baby very much…already. It’s real to me…this child is created from the incredible bond of love John and I share and I can’t even consider aborting this pregnancy. And… I have never seen John happier than he has been since I told him about the baby.” With tears in her eyes as she recalled the moment she informed him of her pregnancy, Marlena continued, “His eyes…sparkle with delight, there’s a spring in his step, even his voice is different. John is completely overjoyed Sarah. But, you’re right about him, he would save me over this child…even if he was dying inside.. to lose this baby; he would choose me because he loves me that much.” Shaking her head she said, “No, I can’t even bear to think of taking that joy away from him, I just can’t do it!”
Sarah realized the need to be harsh and brutally honest, hoping to make her friend consider the full ramifications of the choice she was apparently prepared to make for herself and her husband, without telling him until it was too late to change her mind. After ushering Marlena over toward the couch to sit down, she started right in on her, speaking confrontationally. “Marlena… the fact is that it’s actually too soon to have this discussion…but you have to think rationally about this decision you’re facing. I’m going to be painfully blunt with you. First of all, if you keep the baby and don’t pursue treatment, you could die with no guarantee that the baby would survive. He could end up losing both you and the baby and it would all be for nothing. Then, even if you do manage to carry it to full term before the cancer advances past the point of no return, you’d be leaving him with three children to raise all by himself.”
Marlena was trying not to face that distressing possibility but was compelled to listen her doctor friend’s sage advice, and so was silent. “Is that what you want for John? Do you want him to see you suffering..unable to help you, having no choice but to stand back and helplessly watch you dying before his very eyes like Isabella did, knowing that your life might have been saved if you got treated when you first found out about the cancer, knowing that it was because of his happiness and desire to have another child that you sacrificed your life! Is that what you want for him, Marlena?” Sarah said it all so passionately, with tears of anguish beginning to flow for both of her friends.
Remembering how gut-wrenching the months before Isabella’s death were for John and how much he suffered following the subsequent loss of her, Marlena replied tearfully as well. “Oh…Sarah! No, of course I don’t want him to go through all that pain again! Oh, God… Sarah, I don’t know what to do, I just don’t know!” she cried out in agony about the tremendously difficult decision she was facing.
Sarah and Marlena embraced again and cried together for several minutes, quietly praying for a miracle. Within a few more minutes, Dr. Bader sensed intuitively that Marlena needed some time alone to re-examine her choices and determine what she was going to tell John before the surgical biopsy, if anything at all. After that hurdle was successfully negotiated and the end results provided, then she could choose the best course of action, for herself, for her unborn child, and for John.
Giving her friend’s hand a reassuring squeeze, Sarah made a parting speech, “Please, Marlena…consider what I’ve said. Think of John’s perspective, he’s your husband and the baby’s father. He has a right to know. I won’t ever violate your right to confidentiality as a patient, but I strongly urge you to tell John everything that’s happening. He deserves to know what you’re facing and to be included in the decision making process with you. Besides all that, there’s the fact that he loves you very much and he would be there to support you through the whole ordeal, if you let him.”
“Thank you, Sarah… I appreciate your advice, I really do,” Marlena replied honestly, as the other doctor left the office. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that…not yet. Not until I know exactly what I’m facing.. then I will tell John,” she added when she was alone with her anxious thoughts.
“Tell me what, Doc?” asked the object of her contemplation, as if arriving at her office on cue. Figuratively, she nearly hit the ceiling, she was so powerfully startled by his sudden appearance in the doorway.
Is Half the Truth Really a Lie?
John Black stepped somewhat hesitantly into his wife’s office, looking closely at Marlena for signs of whatever it might be that was bothering her earlier, but her face was unreadable. So he simply said, “I’m sorry I startled you, Doc.” Walking around to face her directly, he asked, “Now what was it that you were going to tell me?”
She recovered from the shock of seeing him and searched her mind for a reasonable response. “Oh, I…uh… I had this idea about what to do for Abe and Lexie…you know…for the baby,” she said, putting on a smile. That wasn’t a lie, really. She did have an idea she had thought of the other day and she hadn’t mentioned it to John, yet.
Again, John studied her expression closely; she was pretty good at poker faces. He made a sudden move and grasped her firmly in his arms and she trembled and wouldn’t meet his eyes, worried she would give in to the love and concern she saw there. With gentle yet insistent tones he concluded, “No, Marlena, that’s not it.. you’re shaking, you’re scared about something. What are you afraid of Doc…and don’t tell me it’s about you being an older mother and facing a risky pregnancy, it’s more than that! I’m not buying that one again,” he warned.
Marlena tried to pull away from him, saying anxiously, “John, let me go….you’re hurting me and you scared me when you grabbed me like that. That’s the reason I was trembling. You really need to take me at my word, honey…I’m fine…I just have a lot on my mind. And..this pregnancy *is* what’s upsetting to me….I’m worried about whether I can carry the baby full term.” Again, it wasn’t really a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.
It did seem plausible…and yet..there had to be more than that. “Doc..if there’s something else, please tell me.. I love you and I want to be there for you always.” John stepped closer to her and gently grasped her shoulders, turning her around to face him,” Marlena…we worked through all of Kristen’s lies and we were completely honest about our feelings… so we could be together. We promised on our wedding day that we would share everything, Marlena…all the laughter and all the pain too. Please, let me in, Doc,” he pleaded, staring into the eyes of the woman he loved so deeply that he would take all her pain on himself for the rest of his life, if he could.
After looking at him for a second or two, wishing she could allow herself to open up completely, she turned away from him again and walked toward the window, staring down at the grounds of the hospital. Trying to sound casual and nonchalant, she turned back toward him and said, “John…really you’re being so melodramatic here, I’ve told you my concerns about this pregnancy. Can’t you leave it at that…..please?” she asked, hoping he would let it go until she could fully decide what she should tell him about the biopsy.
John sighed with a sense of frustration. It was obvious that if there was something else, she just wasn’t ready to tell him and pressuring her wasn’t going to help the situation. He walked a few steps closer and replied supportively, “All right, Marlena, I’ll let this go…for now, but please honey… let me be there for you when you need me.” Taking her tenderly in his strong arms, he reminded her of their commitment, “That’s what love and marriage are all about. I love you so much and I hurt when you hurt… please…don’t forget that.”
It was so tempting to melt into his gentle embrace and let it all out, to tell him about the cancer and the horrible decision that had to be made, to cry and let him comfort her in the warmth of his arms and the tenderness of his soft voice and loving touch. But, as she recalled his gleeful grin when she told him about the baby, Marlena was torn and felt she needed more time to consider her options. She knew she had to tell him something about the procedure; she was having surgery on her right breast in the morning, she couldn”t completely hide that from him, or could she? ‘Marlena…. what are you thinking?’ asked the voice of her conscience and Sarah Bader rolled into one. ‘How can you possibly keep something like this from your husband, the man you love with all your heart, the man with whom you promised to share everything?’ She wanted to find the answer, but couldn’t. To John she said only, “I won’t honey… I love you too…so much!” Marlena suddenly took his face with both hands and kissed him powerfully, taking him by surprise and distracting him for the moment. It was exactly what she wanted, his passionate reaction would give her time to think about what she was going to do next.
“Woah, Doc! What was that for?” he asked with swiftly rising desire, forgetting about his concerns. John loved it when she made an aggressive move and he responded to the kiss with one of his own, designed to take her breath away..and it worked.
He could always make her dizzy with her need for him. She moaned in reply to his action.”Oh, John… honey…” she sighed, forgetting her dilemma for the time being. John loved her tremendously and it was true… they had been completely open, ever since Kristen’s lies were exposed. Marlena knew he hadn’t held anything back from her, even his own difficulty in trusting people again, his shame and embarrassment about having been fooled by the woman. John had shared everything with Marlena, at her urging and here she was holding out on him about something that affected them both so importantly. As John continued to caress her backside, she prayed silently, “Oh God… please help me to do what’s right for everyone, for me, for John, for Belle and Brady and for this tiny little baby growing inside of me. I love them all so much!”
John sensed she wasn’t all there with him again; it had happened several times since she told him about the pregnancy. Gently, he confronted her, “Doc… you did it again, you…drifted off on me. Come on…tell me what’s going on with you, Marlena. I want to help you.”
This time she was irritated with him and it was clear from her tone and from the way she pulled out of his arms, “John….stop it, you’re.. upsetting me by pressuring me like this. I told you I’m worried about this baby! Now..please stop… pushing!”
He felt bad about it and said apologetically as he put his hands lightly on her shoulders from behind again, “Okay….I’m…sorry. I just….love you so much and I worry about you, Doc.”
She softened her voice and turned around to face him, saying, “I know you do… and I appreciate it, I really do, but I’m all right, John. Please… let’s just go and have a good time with Abe and Lexie at the Penthouse Grill like you suggested earlier.”
Again, John sighed…. she could be so…stubborn, too strong for her own good sometimes. “All right, Doc… you’re right, we probably should be going. I told them we’d meet them there.” He held out a hand for her to take and together they exited Marlena’s office.
She decided to use the time in the car to determine how to handle the surgical biopsy procedure and the aftermath without alerting John to the cancer. Marlena planned to tell him something when she had the pathology results in hand. If it wasn’t an aggressive type of cancer, she would tell him the truth and wait to have any treatment, other than surgical. If was a faster growing cancer that required several treatment modalities right away, necessitating an abortion in order to pursue the treatments, it would be another story. She would then have to choose one life over another, her own life or that of the baby made from the love she shared with the man sitting next to her. As she thought about it, she rubbed her hands absently over her belly, willing the situation away. ‘Oh, John…. if only you knew what was happening. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. I know how happy this baby makes you, I can’t spoil it for you until I know for sure how bad the situation is… I just can’t. I’m sorry to keep this from you.’
John was watching her, knowing she was troubled about something important and he felt helpless. If she wouldn’t open up with him, what could he do? He resigned himself to wait until she was ready to talk about whatever it was. Gazing lovingly at her, he squeezed her hand and said, “I love you, Doc.”
Marlena squeezed his hand in return, smiled and said the same, “And I love you. I’m looking forward to seeing Abe and Lexie, I bet they’re so excited.”
John quickly switched mental gears as he recalled the expression on his best friend’s face a couple of hours earlier. “Yea… you should have seen Abe, he was more nervous than I’ve ever seen him while we were waiting for the phone call from Lexie. He’s so happy, Doc he’s waited so long for this. I’m very glad to have a chance to share all this with him at the same time as we are, it’s really amazing to have it happen this way.”
Wondering again how it all might go, she answered somewhat absently and uncertainly, “Yes, it really is, John. I hope everything works out the way we all want it to.”
Something in her tone alarmed him slightly, “Doc…you don’t sound too sure about that. Please don’t borrow trouble…it’s all going to be just fine. You and Lexie will both have normal, healthy babies. Now, come on…where’s that indomitable spirit you’re always showing me?”
Before she knew it the Jeep pulled to a stop in front of the valet parking area at their destination. ‘If you only knew,’ she thought as she waited for John to open her door. To her husband, she said, “You know, you’re exactly right, John… there’s no reason to borrow trouble. I want to forget my worries and have fun with our friends tonight, it will be wonderful to share this good news with them.” Still feeling guilty for hiding the truth from him, Marlena labored to force down her fears so John would stop being so concerned about her and so that she could truly enjoy the excitement he felt about the baby and Lexie’s pregnancy as well. It could prove to be a terrific evening, if she could only put the other matter out of her mind for a couple of hours.
A Celebration of Life Times Two
They began the elevator ride in silence. John kept looking at Marlena, trying to discern what else could be on her mind. She should be happy, they were finally together, after all the pain and separation, after all the lies and schemes forced upon them by the Dimeras, not to mention all their guilt-ridden half-truths about love and friendship, they were together. They had been married for about a month, they had recently returned from a glorious honeymoon and she had just found out they were expecting another child. And this time, there was no red-letter attached to the marvelous creation resulting from their deep and abiding love. This was a child to be born of that love which was now able to be freely expressed, blessed by God, and fully supported by all their friends and family. ‘She should be walking on air, like I have been… so why does she seem so troubled sometimes, why does she keep drifting off in the middle of a conversation?” he asked himself as they arrived at the floor the restaurant was on. ‘Could it all be about just what she says… being older this time, worrying about birth defects.. things like that… Oh, Doc… if there’s something else, please tell me.’
Marlena avoided his scrutinizing, concerned gaze as much as possible on the way up the restaurant and tried to make small talk with him. He responded, but was clearly preoccupied, ‘with trying to figure out what’s going on me, no doubt.’ If it wasn’t so serious, it would be funny. ‘He’s looking at me, I keep looking away whenever our eyes meet, I make small talk, he answers but isn’t really paying attention. I wonder if he really knows how upset I am, and he’s wondering what’s bothering me… Whatever happened to total honesty?’ she was asking herself as the elevator neared its destination.
They each had their last thoughts about that situation as the elevator doors open to reveal their good friends who were hugging and kissing, clearly ecstatic with their news. John and Marlena turned their attention to Abe and Lexie Carver. John stepped out of the elevator and walked straight to his friends, saying, “Hey..Lexie.. congratulations, I am so happy for you two” He hugged her and she said excitedly, “Thank you, John…we’re thrilled about it, absolutely thrilled.”
Next, John stepped over to pat Abe on the back again, after shaking hands. Then he congratulated his best friend again, “You too, buddy I am just.so happy for you. You know….this is the best time of our lives, sharing news like this with you two, it doesn’t get any better than this!” he said grinning, his voice full of enthusiasm.
Marlena had to take a deep breath and give herself a little mental peptalk before she could enjoy her friend’s happiness, ‘Okay, Marlena, let it all go right out of your mind, enjoy this evening of celebration with Abe and Lexie. This is supposed to be a very happy time for all of us, don’t ruin it for them by focusing on your fears, making John worry about you… Come on, you can do it.’ When she finished, she was smiling genuinely and waiting for John’s hugs to end. She leaned in to embrace her friend, saying, “Oh, Lexie, Abe! I am just so.. happy too! I know how long you’ve been thinking about having children. Abe…you must be.. on cloud nine about now.”
There was smile a mile wide on his face as he answered, “Yes, I am… this is the best night of my life. The woman of my dreams is going to have my child, we’re finally going to start a family. I couldn’t be happier than I am right now!” he said still grinning from ear to ear.”
John thought of how Abe was acting earlier in the day and said with a teasing tone, “You should have seen him before..at the Cop Shop. He couldn’t sit still, he couldn’t concentrate on a thing, and he must have had three cups of coffee in half an hour while he was waiting for Lexie to call. It was fun to watch *him* lose his cool, for once, ” he said with a wink and a playful smile.
Abe did what was equivalent to blushing and attempted to explain himself, “Well… we’ve been waiting for this for a long time, you know. It’s so.. incredible. So, I got a little excited, give me a break why don’t you?”
“Well, all right, this is pretty big news.. okay. I’ll cut you some slack, partner,” John said while patting his best buddy on the back once again.
Within a few more seconds, John and Abe and Marlena and Lexie paired off to talk further. Lexie leaned in close and said quietly to Marlena, “Abe told me that John called and said that you were pregnant too, but that you weren’t going to announce it yet. I’m really happy for you, but I’ve been a little worried too. Is everything all right?” she asked with concern.
She hated lying, so she told another half-truth, “Thank you for asking, Lexie..Yes, the baby is fine, I’m just… concerned about miscarrying because I’m older and the doctor told me there might be some problems for me this time around. We’re going to wait until I’m at the three months mark before announcing it to everybody. I’m only about six weeks pregnant right now.” Marlena prayed that Lexie accepted that explanation as logical.
Her friend sighed with relier and replied with that emotion,”Oh.. I’m so glad to know you’re okay, Marlena. I was so worried that maybe something was wrong already and John didn’t want to talk about it with Abe. I hope everything turns out all right. I am so excited about the two of us being pregnant at the same time, it will make the next nine months twice as wonderful.”
Marlena smiled warmly and hugged her friend again, saying, “Me too, Lexie…it is such an amazing experience and to go through it right along with you..will make it that much better.” In her mind she was wondering if it would happen that way or not. No.. stop it, Marlena! You are NOT going to think about that tonight. You are going to have a good time with your friends and share in their joy!’ She refocused her attention as Lexie was daydreaming about the future.
Lexie was saying, “Just think, Marlena.. next Spring, we’ll both have a newborn baby in a carriage, taking strolls in the park together, watching them grow together, watching them discover the world.” A joyful smile decorated the light chocolate skin of her face and her eyes danced with delight as she continued to share her enthusiastic response to her newfound condition, speaking very rapidly about several different thoughts she had since learning she was pregnant a few hours earlier, “Oh, Marlena I can’t wait until the baby comes.. and I have so many questions to ask you like.. breastfeeding. I want to know all about it, is it that wonderful bonding experience everybody talks about? And what about… ” Lexie stopped mid-sentence, realizing she was so caught up in the excitement that she had lost Marlena at some point in her monologue. “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m getting carried away here, I’m just so…incredibly happy about this!”
Marlena was thinking ahead too, but nearly so far, ‘Oh, Lexie I wish I could be as excited as you are, I wish I could focus on next Spring. I can’t seem to focus past tomorrow, the day my future is decided,’ she thought. To her friend, she said pleasantly with a smile on her face, “Oh, that’s all right, Lexie I’m very glad to see you smiling so much, it wasn’t long ago you were afraid to have a child because of all the violence in the world and your fears about Stefano’s influence. I’m so glad you’ve gotten past all that and decided to start a family. You won’t regret it, Lexie, I know you won’t.”
Abe Carver felt like he needed to pinch himself to make sure it wasn’t a dream and he said, “You know.. it took us so long to get past Lexie’s concerns about the kind of world and neighborhood we would be bringing our child up in and then all that worry about Stefano… after she learned he was her father, it’s hard for me to believe this is finally happening.” Abe knew his friend well enough to sense when something was bothering him and he noticed John’s attention wander as he was sharing his excitement about the baby, and his sense of disbelief. “John… hey.. buddy, where’d you go?”
He snapped back at the slight increase in volume and the sensation of his buddy touching his arm, “What? Oh, sorry about that partner.. I was just.. thinking about something, it’s probably nothing though.”
“John… come on, this is me, you know your best friend. What’s going on with you? Is it Marlena, is something wrong?”
John whirled around instantly to face his friend and asked with alarm, “Why do you ask that, did she tell you something?”
Abe smiled and put his hands on John’s shoulders for one second to calm him and said, “Woah…. settle down there, buddy.. I asked about Marlena because the only time I see you this..preoccupied it usually has something to do with that lovely lady of yours.”
John let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and blushed slightly. “Oh… yea.. makes sense. Sorry about that, I guess I overreacted a little there.”
Abe was still smiling at his best friend; he loved Marlena so much that sometimes she was all the man could see. “So, it does have to do with Marlena then.. tell me, John. What’s got you so….rattled?”
He looked over at her, she was smiling, she seemed happy.. but something was off, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. “To tell you the truth I have no idea. I just…have this feeling that something is bothering her a lot and she won’t tell me what it is, Abe. I’m.. worried about her. She should be so full of joy.. about this, but..” John stopped and then with an exasperated sigh, said, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’m looking for a problem that isn’t really there. She’s says it’s just that she’s concerned because she’s older and the doctors think she might have a tough pregnancy.”
Abe put a supportive hand on his friend’s shoulder and said, “Hey.. you’re really worried aren’t you? Why don’t you just take her at her word for now, instead of driving yourself crazy with this? If there’s something else upsetting her, she’ll come to you eventually. You don’t have any secrets anymore, right? You told me the other day about how you’ve both been completely honest and how great it is to have that back now that you’re together again. So trust her to tell you when she’s ready, okay?”
Tearing his gaze from the lovely vision of his wife in an evening gown, he looked at his buddy and sighed with relief. Having a friend like Abe Carver was so great, he always managed to help John see things from a different perspective, and the man’s advice made him step back a little when he was being overly concerned about or protective of Marlena. “Yea…. you’re probably right, Abe. If there is something else, Marlena will talk to me about it when she’s ready. Pushing her won’t help the situation at all. Thanks again for… well, for just.. being there, partner.”
“Hey.. anytime, John.” Then, he pointed toward the restaurant and said, “Now.. what do you say we go interrupt the ladies baby talk and get in there and celebrate our good news in style tonight.”
“Yea.. let’s do it!” John agreed as he took a step toward the ladies. He was definitely looking forward to sharing a pleasant evening with friends and planned to put his worries for Marlena right out of his mind, at least for a little while.
John and Abe walked over closer to where their wives were chatting about everything there was to discuss about pregnancies and newborn babies. John said, “Abe.. you better get used to this, it’s all she’s gonna talk about for the next nine months and well beyond. It’s really an amazing experience to watch the woman you love changing before your very eyes, becoming a mother.” Thinking back fondly on the only time he had been there through the entire period, he said, “I loved it when Isabella was pregnant, she became more beautiful to me every day she carried Brady. She was glowing, so full of energy and life and so.. happy to be having our child. She used to tell me all the things she wanted us to do together and about all her dreams…for…” He stopped short and shut his eyes; it still hurt sometimes when he thought of how much she had missed with him and their son and it sometimes brought tears to his eyes in moments like these. John turned away, pretending to have something in his eye, believing he needed to hide his reaction for some reason.
“Hey.. it’s okay. It still hurts sometimes, doesn’t it, John?” Abe asked quietly.
Abe was such a good friend, he really cared how John was feeling. John nodded, and admitted to the pain it caused to remember what was taken from them all too soon. Choking back the moisture, he answered quietly, “Yea, I guess it does. She uh.. she… missed so much, you know, and I feel really bad for Brady sometimes. He would have loved her so much.”
“Yes he would have, she was a wonderful person, John. I’m… sorry, buddy.”
John wiped away a solitary wayward tear with a knuckle on his right hand and said, “It’s okay… I’ll be fine.”
Abe was quiet, thinking his friend needed to say something else about it, and he was right. John shared something he hadn’t even realized he was feeling until just this moment, “Sometimes.. I still feel so..angry because she was such a good person and she died so young. I mean.. there are all these crack babies being born left and right and here was a kind and loving woman who just wanted to love her child and raise him well and she died… before his first birthday. It really stinks, you know that!” he said wiping another bitter tear away.
Putting a comforting hand on John’s shoulder, Abe said, “Yes it does.” He paused for a second and then shared a conclusion he had just reached in the form of question, “Marlena being pregnant brought back all that pain for you, didn’t it?”
He nodded again, “I guess it did, yeah…” Thinking he might detract from his friend’s joy, John made a quick decision and said, “Look, I’m really sorry to be such a downer here. Could you..uh… tell Marlena I just.. went to get a little fresh air?” he asked, upset with himself for not being able to shake off the sadness for what was lost to Isabella and their son because of her untimely death.
Before Abe could respond, John had stepped away and was heading in the direction of one of the small balcony areas outside the restaurant. “Oh, John.. why can’t you just let yourself be human like the rest of us?” Abe asked the man’s retreating form, which was already out of earshot.
A minute later, Lexie and Marlena came over to where Abe was standing “Where’s John?” she asked, while scanning the restaurant for his presence.
Abe blew out a long sigh and said, “He went out on the terrace to get some air for a minute. He was telling me about when Isabella was pregnant and he remembered that she used to talk about all her dreams for Brady and the times they would all have together. He’s hurting about it and he didn’t want to…upset us.”
Marlena hadn’t even thought about the possibility that her pregnancy might stimulate some of those memories for him. She was so caught up in her own problems she hadn’t even bothered to talk to him about much to speak of in the past two days. “I didn’t even think of that happening. It makes perfect sense that he would be reminded of what they all missed out on. I’ll go talk to him, you two go ahead and sit down. I’m sure it will only be a few minutes,” she finished with a hopeful smile.
Within another minute Marlena found the man she loved. Not wanting to interrupt his thoughts, she stood silently nearby, waiting for the right time to reveal her presence. John was staring out over the city of Salem; it was truly beautiful all lit up at night, but he hardly noticed that. He was searching the night sky for a certain star, the one he and Isabella had picked out together before she died. Once in awhile he still looked for it, this was one of those times and when he found it he spoke to her, “Hey Izzy B. I’m.. thinking about you tonight, about when you were carrying our little slugger man. You were so beautiful, so…full of life. Oh, Izzy B… I still miss you sometimes.. I miss your smile, your way of always finding the bright side. No matter how bad things got for me, you always found a way to make me feel better.”
Picturing the smiling face, the brown hair and dark eyes of their son, he continued, “Isabella, you should see him, he’s so.. handsome and grown up, you’d be so proud of him.” Tears had formed in his eyes again and they started to trickle out a few at a time as he spoke to her about their son, “He’s exactly what you dreamed about and I am so…thankful we got to share the time we did with him. I really… loved you, you know. You..knew that I still loved Marlena and yet you loved me anyway and accepted the love I gave you in return. Do you know how much that means to me? You saved my life, Izzy B. After I found out I wasn’t Roman Brady I was…lost in a stormy sea and you… were my beacon of hope to cling to until the storms settled down.”
He was quiet for a minute, thinking back on her steadfast support of him and her firm belief in his goodness; it was what kept him going when he felt so uncertain of himself. Then he shared his final thoughts, “I promise, I’ll make sure he watches your tapes and we… look at your pictures all the time. Even though he loves and calls Marlena Mommy, he won’t forget you, I promise Isabella, I promise…” By the time he finished, the tears were making a light stream down his slightly flushed cheeks.
Marlena was weeping with empathy for him and for her own fears about herself and the baby she was carrying, and she couldn’t remain quiet any longer. Stepping into view, she asked with concern, “Oh, John… honey, why haven’t you shared this with me? I can see how upset you are. My pregnancy has brought out all these old feelings, hasn’t it?”
He nodded and turned toward her, saying, “It’s not fair, Doc…she was such a good mother, but..Brady doesn’t ever get to know her…and she never even got to hear him call her Mommy. It’s just so unfair!” Shaking his head, he said, “I didn’t even realize how I still felt about all of this until tonight when I was talking with Abe. It just hit me all of a sudden, what they were robbed of and it makes me so.. angry when I think of how many irresponsible parents there are out there.”
Marlena stepped closer and slid her arms around him, resting her head on his right shoulder. “I know…I know, John. I’m sorry for you, for her…and Brady,” she said softly. As they stood together in the quiet stillness of early evening, holding on to each other tightly, she thought of how she was considering taking action that could conceivably leave him in that situation a second time. And she wondered for a split second how she could even think of putting him in that painful position without telling him.
Suddenly it occurred to John that she had been worried about carrying their child full term. He hurriedly pulled himself back together and looked straight into her eyes, asking, “Doc.. I’m not upsetting you, am I? Because I don’t want to cause you any extra stress with.. this. You and our children are the most important thing in the world to me and I….”
She put a fingertip on his lips to hush him, “Stop right there, mister. Don’t apologize for having emotions, and sharing your feelings with me. I will always want to know what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling, John,” she urged, wiping a straggling drop of moisture off his chin.
He caressed her left cheek with his right hand and said, “Same goes for me, Doc. I want to know everything you’re going through, during this whole pregnancy, Marlena. Don’t leave out a thing, okay?”
“Okay… I won’t, John. When the baby kicks, you’ll be the first to know, after me, of course,” she said with a genuine smile on her face, pleased to see the gleeful grin slowly reappearing on his.
His eyes sparkled in reponse to that idea and he grasped her shoulders lightly, looked at her excitedly and said, “Oh, man… I can’t wait, Doc! I am going to be there for you through this whole thing, all the OB appointments, the ultrasounds, everything. I am so happy about this baby, Marlena, that I can’t even begin to express it, I love you so much!” he said excitedly, just before he kissed her with passion.
She smiled warmly took his hand in hers and said, “Well, then.. let’s get in there and celebrate the good news with our friends. Are you ready, John?” Taking one last glance skyward, he said, “Yes, I’m ready. Let’s go have some fun, Doc!” In his mind, he said, ‘I meant it, Isabella, he’ll always know who you are and he’ll always remember you.’
He could have sworn there was a soft reply, ‘I know, John.’ With that, he felt a little more settled with it and was able to put those feelings back in their proper place and go on to spend a pleasant evening with his wife and their good friends, Abe and Lexie Carver. It was a night to celebrate life, times two.
An hour and a half hour later they sat around finishing dessert, and talking about all the changes that having babies brings to a marriage. Marlena was saying, “John… do you remember that night, right before our first wedding ceremony, when both Sami and Eric kept waking up and no matter what we tried to do to calm them down and get them to sleep, it didn’t work? Almost every hour, on the hour one or the other of them woke up with a nightmare which usually woke the other one up. We were so tired when we got up the next morning.”
“Yea…we couldn’t get a moment alone all day and then the night was the same way. But.. I was walking on air that next day, and I hardly noticed being tired.” John took her right hand and placed both their hands on her belly, saying, “Kind of like now, Doc, this baby means so much to me, it’s like our love has come full circle and I couldn’t be happier than to be married to the woman of my dreams and expecting another child with her.”
“Amen to that, buddy.” He gazed at his wife with deep affection and said, “Lexie, I feel the same way, I am so happy to have a chance to share this pregnancy with you.” Abe turned his attention to the others and said cheerfully, “Everybody, let’s raise one more toast. To as many more nights like this as we can squeeze in before we’re occupied by 2AM feedings.”
John and Marlena chuckled and she added, “And 4am feedings…and diapers and more laundry than you can imagine a tiny person can generate.”
Then John said, “Cheers.” They all raised their glasses which were filled with Sparkling Cider. It was perfect timing when some familiar romantic music began to play, and both couples instinctively put down their glasses and got up to dance at the same time. As the strains of an old song filled the air, John and Abe started to glide their lovely wives gracefully around the ample dance floor.
John pulled Marlena close and whispered in her ears, “It’s true, Doc…” She smiled at the sensation of his breath on her neck, “What’s true, John?” she asked, having no idea what he was talking about. She was blissfully immersed in the feeling of being in his arms which was the most wonderful place on earth for her.
He continued to have a little fun with his wife, asking, “You mean you aren’t listening?” as they moved across the dance floor.
“Listening to what?” she replied, still not following his lead.
“To the song I picked out. It’s true, you taught my heart to sing.” He was still thinking about the past, though he wasn’t quite sure why that was. “When I felt so lost and alone in the world after Izzy B died, you reached out your hand to me and helped me embrace life again. I love you so much, Doc.”
She remembered too. Finally hearing some of the words he was referring to, she said tearfully, “Oh, John….you touch me so… I loved you so much. All I wanted was for you to feel good again. You were so sad and I wished that I could take away your pain.”
He caressed her face and replied quietly, as his mind revisited that painful time, “I know… but you helped me face it and move on, that was exactly what I needed. And, now… you are my life, you are my world and I couldn’t be happier than I am right now.” His left hand touched her belly again and he said, “To know that we are creating another life together from our love.. it’s so…incredible to me, Doc.”
She sighed with mixed emotions, wishing she could find it within herself to be totally honest with him. Yet, how could she ruin this wonderful evening or take away the joyful smile he was finally wearing again after being upset earlier. “Yes, it really is, honey. I love you so..” Their faces moved slowy closer until their lips were touching and they kissed each other with such tenderness, their tongues gliding around each other much as their bodies were gliding across the dance floor.
A few feet away from them, Abe was saying similar things to his wife Lexie, “You know I can hardly believe it, Lex.. we’re having a baby. After all the times we’ve talked about it, it’s actually happening.”
She sighed with contentment the likes of which she had never known. “Oh, Abe, I know, it seems so..unreal still. Sometimes, as much as we talked about it, I was secretly afraid that when I was finally ready, we would have trouble and I wouldn’t be able to give you the family you’ve always wanted. I am so happy I was wrong about that.”
“Me too, Lexie, but if it didn’t happen for us, I wouldn’t have blamed it on you. We decided to wait until we both wanted a child very much and that time is now.” Still moving effortlessly across the floor with her, he said, “I am so…excited about this baby. I want to go through everything with you and I promise not to get tired of listening to you tell me about what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to be there for all your OB appointments… everything, Lexie.”
Her heart melted to hear him speak so passionately about it, “Oh, Abe, you are going to be such a good father and I want us to share everything too. I love you so much Abraham Carver.” She kissed her husband to show him just how much that was and his passion flared swiftly, stopping him in his tracks, “Oooh, Lexie…. what do you say we call it a night and continue this little celebration at home?”
She smiled seductively and said, “My thoughts exactly, honey. Let’s go let Marlena and John know we’re leaving. I’m sure they’ll understand,” she said with another smile, while glancing in the direction of the other couple. They had stopped dancing too, almost in the middle of the room and were kissing each other, completely oblivious to everything else around them.
“Somehow, I don’t think they’ll miss us at all,” Lexie said, chuckling in response to what she saw. “No, I don’t think so,” agreed Abe, who glanced over at John and Marlena as well.
They startled at the sound of someone’s throat being cleared, but John didn’t want the kiss to end, so he only glanced toward the noise. But, Marlena saw that it was Abe and Lexie and they were standing there watching, as if waiting to speak to them. Pulling out of his firm embrace slightly, she said, “John.. honey…I think our friends want to say goodnight.”
John disengaged briefly and said hurriedly, “Goodnight.. congratulations again and… we’ll see you soon,” and then he tried to pick up where he left off, partly to tease and make Marlena blush and partly because his desire for her was increasing and he loved how it felt to kiss her and feel the heat rising. “John!” she said in frustration as she pulled away and punched him playfully in the chest for what she considered to be very rude behavior. Then she saw it, he was wearing that teasing grin and she said, “Oh, you…”
John winked at her and then looked to his friends, who had said nothing, but were smiling knowingly, “No really, you two, we’re very happy for you. Thanks for celebrating the good news with us.”
Abe replied for them, saying, “No, thank you for suggesting this, John and for taking us out; we had a great time tonight. We’ll see you soon.”
“Goodnight, ” said Marlena, still smiling and shaking her head about her husband’s impish behavior. After watching their friends walk away, she turned back toward the man she loved with all her heart and soul and said, “You… never cease to amaze me, John Black,” and then she took his arm and said, “Now, let’s go home ourselves.”
“I can’t think of anything I’d like better than to go home and be alone with my pregnant wife,” John replied, with a smile of desire on his face. “And, I hope to keep you guessing about me for the rest of your life. What’s a marriage for without a little mystery?” he asked and before she could formulate a response, he took her mouth suddenly in a fiery kiss which left her breathless.
“Oh…my, yes… I do like a mystery,” she said in a dreamy voice, when she finally caught her breath again. John grasped her hand and guided her gently toward the elevator, feeling quite satisfied with himself; he had managed to get them both out of whatever little funk they were in earlier in the evening. Now, they too could go home and continue to celebrate the good news in the privacy and intimacy of their bedroom which in his opinion was the very best place to celebrate any occasion with his brand new and sometimes blushing bride. They exited slowly, enjoying the romantic piano music and the words that rang so true for their relationship.
One Night Of Ecstasy
Marlena and John Black were very pleased as they left the Penthouse Grill; it had been a wonderful time of celebration with Abe and Lexie. Sharing the good news about both couples expecting a child was thrilling for all of them. They went all the way out to the Jeep, arm in arm, forgetting all about the valet parking, feeling very close and loving it. As they approached it, John realized that they had the attendants park the vehicle and said, “Doc.. we used valet parking, I gotta go get my keys, will you be all right here?”
“Sure, John. Go ahead, I’ll just wait here for you.” Seeing that familiar overprotective expression starting to appear on his face, she said, “Oh, John… honey, for goodness sake, you’re going to be about ten yards away from me. You have to get past this.. overprotectiveness. Stefano, Peter and Kristen are in jail and facing trial soon. There is no reason for you to worry about me so much.”
He was surprised by her comment and reminded her with a question, “No, reason? Uh, Doc… you are carrying my child, our child again, in case you forgot. I am going to be watching out for you like a hawk, lady.. so you better get used to it.”
She was about to roll her eyes in exasperation at him, but before she could, he winked that sexy wink and flashed her the golden boyish smile that had captivated her since the first time she saw it. “Oh, John you.. are impossible… to be aggravated with for very long. You’re just…too cute, honey.”
With an expression of mock offense, he protested her assessment, “Cute… You think I’m cute?” Sticking out his chest, he said firmly, “Try.. virile, sexy.. tough. I am not, nor have I ever been..cute, Doc!”
Marlena couldn’t help herself and began giggling at him, uncertain if he was joking or if he had actually taken offense. “Oh, John… you are so funny, there’s nothing wrong with a man being cute. Of course you’re cute.. and sexy and virile and..so many other wonderful things I can’t even think of right now.”
He frowned slightly and then conceded her point, “Well… alright, but don’t call me that around…” He stopped, thinking he shouldn’t give her any ideas; she was unpredictable about teasing him lately. She seemed to love to get on him when Abe and Bo were around. “Oh, never mind, forget I said anything about it.” Then, with no further comment, he turned away and started back toward the Titan entrance.
“John… I love you and I can’t wait until we get home, so we can continue where we left off on the dance floor. Hurry up with those keys, won’t you?” she called after him.
Catching her meaning, he turned back for a second and said, “Uh.. yea, sure, I’ll be right back, Marlena.” John picked up his pace to a jog when he envisioned her lying naked on their marriage bed. ‘Oh.. Marlena, I can’t wait, either. This is the best night… I am SO happy!’ he thought, as he made his way toward the attendants. He looked up briefly into the night sky again while waiting for the young man to retrieve his keys. It was filled with at least a million twinkling lights and it made him feel good to see them all. There was just something comforting about it and had been for a long time. ‘The stars are shining down on us, Doc… everything is finally going to work out for us to be truly happy, I just know it!’ he said in his mind.
An hour later, they were standing at the foot of the bed, holding hands, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. John admired her beauty and spoke to her about the depth of his love, “Marlena…. you can’t really know how happy and fulfilled you’ve made me.” He reached up to slide his fingertips under the straps of her slip, causing them to drop off her shoulders, then he caressed her face and ran his hands down her arms with tenderness and continued talking. “For so long I thought I would always love you, but never have you in my life like this. I still can’t believe it sometimes, that you really love me and we’re married.”
Next, he put his right hand on the soft smooth skin of her belly, saying, “And now… to know that we have created another life… from our love, it’s just so…incredible to me, Doc. I love you so much!” As he spoke, he moved his face slowly closer to hers and then pulled her close and kissed her passionately.
When the kissed ended, she expressed similar sentiments, “Oh, John… I feel the same way about you. For a long time, a part of me thought we were destined to be separated but in love, as punishment for the affair. But, the other part kept believing that we were meant to be together and someday all the lies would be exposed and we would have our chance to share our love, to share our lives.”
“You were right, Doc. This is our chance and we are going to enjoy every second of it. So.. pretty lady, let me help you out of those encumbering clothes of yours.” With that, he took the slip off of her body, watching it drop slowly to the floor, revealing only underpanties and a bra. Gasping at the sight that was revealed, he said, “Ooh, honey… you are so beautiful and you only become more lovely with each passing day. Every time I see you I want you more and more…” John leaned in to kiss her again and his hands were on her back and bottom, making her feel so cherished, almost worshipped.
Hearing him talk about her so lovingly was exactly what she needed to make her forget about her fears. Marlena lost herself in his words and in the sensations his hands and mouth were causing all over her body. “Oh, John… make love to me, make sweet love to me now,” she urged, wanting desperately to disappear in the amazing love they made.
That was all it took for him to let loose whatever vestiges of control he had over his desire for her. He scooped her up gently and carried her swiftly to the bed, laying her down softly. Within seconds, he was in underclothes himself and working on her bra snap while kissing her tenderly. Whispering passionately in her ears, he said, “I love you, Doc… I love you and I only want to please you every day for the rest of our lives.”
Her breathing was becoming ragged with her need for him and she replied in matching whispered tones, “Oh… honey… you do.. you always please me. I get lost in your lovemaking, John. I love you so…” Marlena reached out to help him take off his briefs and he took the hint and removed her last item of clothing as well.
When they were naked, they simply stared at each other for long seconds, admiring the bodies that were made to join in this blissful intimacy they shared. Neither John nor Marlena had ever before experienced the overpowering desire that took complete control of them when they were together. There were really no words that could adequately describe the deep connection that existed between these two souls, but their bodies expressed it perfectly as they joined in a way that was ethereal and brought pleasure which was beyond belief. John tried to put words to what he was feeling, “Marlena, my wife.. you complete me, you… are the other half of my heart and soul and I love you beyond measure.”
She was amazed by the depth of love this man had for her, it was simply marvelous to behold and she made the attempt to tell him about how she felt too. “John… my love, my husband… you bring me such joy, such happiness that I can’t begin to tell you how much you really mean to me.” In the back of her mind, she was wondering about how long she would be able to stay with him, how long her life would last. With a hint of that fear, she said tearfully, “Honey.. loving you and marrying you, having children with you has been the greatest gift of my life, and no matter what happens from here on out, I count myself truly blessed.”
Gazing tenderly into her tear-filled eyes, he shook his head slightly and said, “Oh, Marlena… no..you’ve got it all wrong. I am the one who is blessed. I am so fortunate to have you in my life and I promise you that I won’t ever forget it. I love you so much!”
John pulled her close and began to love her as only he could, his hands caressing every inch of her skin, sending tingly sensations throughout every nerve fiber in her body. His tongue slipped effortlessly inside her mouth and wrapped itself around hers in a way that made her warm all over, and she moaned her pleasure, “John….oh… honey, I want you inside of me.. I need you so…”
Marlena started touching him intimately, massaging him so tenderly that he too began to lose himself in the sensation, his heated desire increasing with each caress of her deft hands. They hardly broke off their kiss and started another one, beginning to hasten their movements as the passion flared from smoldering embers to roaring hot flames.
“Doc… I want you now! Ohh… honey..” he moaned in her ears. John rolled her over so that he was on top and quickly entered her; instantly they both moaned again, nearing the ecstasy they sought. John suddenly opened his eyes and stopped kissing for a moment, wanting to look at her, wanting to see her love and her need for him in her glistening eyes and to show his to her.
She was glad to slow it down for just a second, wanting to savor this feeling of mutual pleasure and need to become one. Staring into his deep blue eyes which were filled with all his love and desire for only her, she said breathlessly, “I love you.. I love us.. together this way, John.”
Breathing hard, his heart pounding with his passion for her, he agreed, “Yes….there is nothing better than you and me…and our love, Doc. We are… perfect together. I love you… forever!”
“Forever… forever..” She said it quietly over and over, wishing to burn this memory into her mind, as his body moved up and down over hers, her pleasure mounting with each motion he made. Soon they were reaching the peak of love and they moaned and sighed together as their body movements and sensations intensified. “Oh, Marlena.. Marlena..” he whispered breathlessly.
“John… I love you.. Oh, John! Oh!” she cried as she crested the peak.
“Doc… Oh…Doc! he exclaimed in sheer delight as he too reached a height of incredible pleasure he only felt with this woman he loved more than his own life, more than anything in the entire universe.
As they lay in the afterglow there was a comfortable silence between them, their love so openly expressed. Though it did not seem possible, the feeling of intimacy and trust was continuing to grow as the days of their marriage grew in number. After a few minutes, John sat up slightly and began to trace the outline of Marlena’s breasts with the forefinger of his right hand and she made a involuntary sharp intake of breath as his finger neared the lump in her right breast. If she flinched or pulled away it would be a cinch for him to figure out that something was very wrong. ‘Oh, man…what do I do?’ she asked herself while trying to remain calm. ‘Oh, no… now our wonderful night together is going to be ruined. Why did he have to do that, why did he have to touch me there?’
Her internal dialogue was interrupted by the sound of his concerned voice, “Marlena… what is it, why did you…gasp like that? Did I hurt you?” he asked, feeling confused.
She took advantage of the break in action to sit up and move slightly away from him, potentially ending the crisis. “No..I’m sorry, John. I guess I must have been daydreaming about the love we just made and I was..startled when you touched me, that’s all honey.”
John watched her closely. She said it all with a strange sort of a smile on her face. Something wasn’t right about it and that feeling of foreboding he had several times since she told him about the pregnancy returned. Marlena was worried about something; she was…afraid and he had to know why.
Marlena knew John sensed that she wasn’t being honest and scrambled for an answer to the continued questioning that was imminent. He had that determined look in his slightly squinting eyes and she knew that whatever she told him had better be the truth or a very convincing close approximation. At this moment, she didn’t know which it would be.
A Love So Beautiful
John was now sitting up in bed staring at Marlena, waiting for her to tell him the truth. What could she tell him? Should she just be honest and tell him the whole story about the horrible situation they faced, or should she give him part of it. ‘Oh, dear God help me know what to do!’ she prayed silently.
“Marlena…that’s not it… Please, tell me what is bothering you. What has you so…jumpy and preoccupied?” Suddenly, a thought occurred to him and he asked tentatively, hoping he was wrong, “Marlena… I thought you were as happy about this pregnancy as I am… Is that it? Doc, don’t you want this baby?”
She sighed with relief; he had just inadvertently taken her off the hook. She had an out now. “Oh, honey… I do..it’s just that I was really looking forward to enjoying being with you a lot and both Belle and Brady are out of diapers and they don’t need quite as much attention. I just wanted to enjoy being Mrs. John Black for awhile and I guess I’m going through some…adjustments, that’s all. On top of that I’ve been feeling guilty for thinking about myself when you are so thrilled about the baby.” Everything she just said was the truth, so she didn’t feel guilty about that part of it. She had been lamenting the fact that she wasn’t going to have the opportunity to bask in her newlywed status, but not for that reason. “That’s why I keep drifting off on you, honey, I’m sorry.”
He was relieved to know that was all it was. Yet, there was the still small voice in the back of his mind that didn’t believe her, that told him, ‘There’s more to it than that, John.’ But he didn’t want to listen. “I’m so glad, Doc…I was.. well, I’ve been worried about you, thinking something was really wrong. Whew.. Doc, it’s okay that you’re feeling that way, it’s perfectly understandable. You don’t need to feel guilty for wanting to enjoy being newlyweds, speaking of which, we do have nine months to play…..you know,” he said with a leering expression on his face.
She smiled sensuously at the thought and enjoyed the attention he was lavishing on her. “Yes.. we do, don’t we?” she agreed, wondering if indeed she did and what was going to happen with this pregnancy after tomorrow’s procedure. Wanting to avoid any serious discussion at all, she took advantage of his ever present desire for her, “What do you say we..play some more?” she asked, starting to kiss him all over his extremely muscular and oh so sexy chest.
“Now..that is music to my ears, Doc,” he said with a grin, while moving to get her started by kissing the hollow of her neck and then gliding his tongue slowly down the length of her body, leaving a trail of moisture which he blew on with soft whispery breaths. That simple action set every nerve ending on fire for him and she moaned with desire. “Oh, John.. you make me crazy for you…”
He smiled somewhat wickedly, and said, “Good…I like it when you’re crazy for me, Doc.” He resumed his ministrations, this time kissing her belly and moving back up to capture her lips in a very soft, moist kiss. She was hungry for him already, and her tongue moved desperately around his, building his desire quickly. “Mmm..oh, Marlena..” he moaned, wanting her more as the seconds passed.
Marlena rolled over on top of him and began to imitate his motions, smothering him in velvety kisses from lips to legs and he began to writhe with pleasure, the lower she moved. “Oh, Doc… I love you, I love you!” he whispered with the breathless intensity of his growing need for her.
She smiled inside, loving to see his increasing passion for her and continued with her lovemaking, massaging him intimately, while using her tongue expertly to build that need quickly. “Oh, honey.. I love you too…so much and I want to make love to you like this forever.” Her kisses were powerful as were his and they traded attempts at taking each other to heights of aching passion, before mutually surrendering to their passion to join, becoming one being in that intense and overwhelming pleasure they shared.
John rolled them over quickly and agreed, “Always…Doc. I’ll always want you like this,” he said as he positioned her perfectly underneath him and made a gentle move, preparing to enter her. Before taking them further toward the summit, he paused briefly to caress her face and gaze into her glistening hazel eyes. “You are so incredibly beautiful to me, Marlena…more and more… Every day we’re together… I see the beauty flow from inside you. I love you so much.”
He was just amazing to her, the depth and power of the love he was expressing astounded her, and she wanted to freeze this special time together and the love they felt for each other. ‘If only this wondrous moment of love could last forever, John’ she said to him in her mind. “You are too, John and you please me and you make so very happy, I love you so much!” The intensity of her experience and her expressions of love were increased by her fears about the future. She wanted to savor every second of time she had with her love because she didn’t know how many more moments like this they might have together.
As these married lovers sought to please each other, they were pleased themselves and that was lovemaking at its best; it was mutually satisfying and it further cemented the deep and everlasting sense of intimacy between them. Together they traveled on a journey to another place, a place where only they two could go. It was a place where desire burned inside until there were roaring flames that climbed higher and higher, and then exploded into unimaginable pleasure which left them breathless, sated and utterly exhausted.
In the afterglow, John and Marlena fell asleep, their hearts beating in time, their bodies intertwined, and they stayed that way for the rest of the night. They slept soundly and John dreamed of the years to come, their love growing ever stronger with the passage of time. Marlena was dreaming too, having mostly pleasant visions filled with love and laughter and times with the children. Some, however, were an expression of her fears…..
It was dreary fall day, the clouds obscuring the sun. John was in the park and there were three children around him, a dark haired boy about seven years old and a blond girl about five. The third child was a boy, with brown hair and the most interesting eyes, that seemed to change color upon a whim. The kids were all playing ring around the rosy, they seemed relatively content and happy, especially the youngest one, but John wasn’t. He was sitting a few yards away on the swing set, trying to watch them and smile, but his eyes told the real story. There were a thousand tears behind those sad blue eyes and he was a million miles away in his mind. He peered into the heavens and spoke quietly of his pain, “Oh, Doc… why? Why did you leave me here all alone? Why didn’t you tell me? I miss you so much! I love you and I need you, Marlena! Oh, why did you leave me to raise them by myself?” he cried in anguish, the tears of grief beginning to overflow the banks of his eyelids.
The obnoxious sound of the alarm clock jolted them awake and Marlena sat upright in bed as the once vivid images of dreamland began to slowly fade from her mind’s eye. The look of pure agony on her husband’s face in the dream lingered as did his sorrowful lament, “Why?” he was asking over and over in her mind. How could she take that risk? How could she leave him in that position? How could she justify making a decision as important as the one she would soon be facing without including the man she loved, the man who would be left to raise their children if she died from the cancer?’ She couldn’t shake the image of John’s grief-filled face or the image of their third child, a child that might never know his mother, if she continued down the path on which she was currently headed.
Her surgical biopsy procedure was scheduled for nine in the morning; Marlena told John previously that she needed to get in early to review some charts before seeing patients, so she could go without telling him anything at all. Sarah Bader promised the results inside of a few hours because of professional courtesy; therefore, by noon or so Marlena would know more about what her future held in store for her. Then, she would finally know what to tell John. The longer she sat there, the more sure she was that not telling him anything until she knew the size of the tumor, what type of cancer it was, what stage it was in and the recommended treatment, was the wisest choice for her. Both Sarah Bader and Elizabeth Tanner, the surgeon, disagreed vigorously with her approach to the situation, but would not violate her right to confidentiality. All they could do was share their opinions and then let their patient decide what to do with the information they presented to her.
She was staring blankly and John sensed that Marlena was troubled and asked about it at the same time as he put his arms lightly around her, “Marlena… did you have a rough dream honey?”
The images flashed in her mind and she worked to shake them off and answer pleasantly, “Well, it was a dream about the baby.. John. We had a boy and he looked like you and me both. He had beautiful eyes that changed color like a chamelion and his hair was brown. I dreamed about the three kids playing together and they were great, John. They seemed..happy.”
“What about us, Doc…were we there too?”
She scrambled for something to complete the idyllic picture she had been painting, “Uh, I’m a little fuzzy on that…it was mostly about the kids,” she lied. Thinking for a minute, she said, “Yes…you were there, but I wasn’t in the picture..I don’t really know why…I can’t remember the details anymore.”
“Oh.. well then, what was I doing?” he asked, genuinely interested.
Marlena didn’t want to work so hard when she had something so important on her mind and she snapped at him unexpectedly, “I don’t know, John…it was just a silly dream!”
He was hurt by her tone…”Doc..I was just..curious.” Shaking his head, wondering what he did to warrant her irritated response, he concluded, “Man..did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Just forget it!” he said angrily, as he stood up. Without looking at her again, he grabbed his robe from the closet and went directly into the bathroom to take his shower.
Marlena sighed heavily as she watched him walk away feeling hurt, “Good one, Marlena… The man says such beautiful words to you, makes the most wonderful love imaginable to you all night long and you snap at him to start off his day.” Shaking her head at her inability to deal with his simple question about a dream, she also rose, put on her robe and went to check on Chelsea and the children. She thought about how fortunate they were to have found her; she was great with the kids and so flexible with her schedule. However, they had relied too heavily on her and Marlena was thinking that they really needed to spend more time together as a family. She made it a point to talk to John about that…once things were… normal again. Right, Marlena…like that’s going to happen soon. I don’t think so! You have cancer, remember? Oh God… I have cancer! It’s still so…unreal. How can I be keeping something this serious from John?’ When she reached the bedroom door, she decided she should go say something to John before doing anything else.
As she stepped into the bathroom, she called his name, “John?”
“What!” he said curtly, still smarting. It was upsetting after sharing such an amazing night with her to have her be sharp with him, for no apparent reason.
Wincing at his response, she moved closer to the shower and said, “Honey…I’m sorry I was short with you, I guess I’m a little tired.” She waited a few seconds to let his absorb the apology, and said, “John..I just wanted to tell you that last night was so special to me and I’m sorry I started our day off by snapping at you. Can you please forgive me?”
He poked his head out and said, “Well, maybe… just this once, if you.. make it worth my while,” he teased.
“Hmm, I wonder what I can do..” she said out loud, pretending to have no clue to his meaning.
“I’ll give you a little hint,” he said with a sweet smile, just before pulling her close for a powerful kiss, his tongue swirling around hers enticingly for only a brief moment.
“Oh…now I understand your meaning,” she said sensuously, as she stepped close again and returned his kiss with one of equal fervor. She smiled when she heard him moan.. “Oh, Doc…you wanna join me?” he asked, somewhat pleadingly, flashing his baby blues in an enticing manner.
She started to protest, but found her resistance faltering quickly, as he reached up and disrobed her with one decisive movement. The robe dropped to the floor and she was standing naked before him again. John’s breath left him at the sight of her, as it almost always did. When he recovered, he said softly, “Oh.. Marlena..you.. are the most beautiful woman I have EVER seen and I’d like another chance to show you how much I appreciate the fact that you have chosen to spend your life with me, instead of a thousand other men who wish they had you.”
That was it, he had melted her heart, “Oh, John what a wonderful thing to say…” He winked, smiled and pulled her in with him. He wasted no time making good on his previous statement. “John!” she shrieked, as he touched one of the places where she was very ticklish, to tease her first. “I’ll get you for that..” She struggled with him for a minute or so, trying to reach his ticklish spots too, but soon gave up as his touch began to change. All thoughts other than a brief recognition of the bodily sensations stimulated by his tender hands upon her skin, began to fly right out of her mind. She sighed as he gently caressed her thighs and bottom, while simultaneously kissing her very sweetly, planning to build her desire for him slowly. “Oh, John…oh..ooh, do that again… oh… yes.”
A Surgery and a Welcome Distraction
It was 8:30Am Thursday morning and Mrs. Marlena Black sat feeling nervous and uncomfortable on a gurney at Salem University Hospital, dressed in hospital finery, waiting for Dr. Elizabeth Tanner to arrive. She had completed all the pre-operative paperwork and tests, and was now almost ready for the procedure to take place. She was frightened, but working hard to contain her fears, at the same time wishing she had told John the truth. She continued to debate in her mind what she should do, whether she should call him, even now. It would be so much easier if he were there holding her hand, telling her everything was going to be okay. Even if he couldn’t really guarantee that, it was wonderful to be in those strong muscular arms and hear his warm comforting voice reassuring her. ‘Oh, John… I do wish you were here, but this is for the best, I know it is. I don’t want to ruin things for you until I know exactly what I’m dealing with.’
Thinking back over the past few days, it seemed as though weeks had passed, there were so many close calls where he sensed something was going on with her, but she had managed to avoid telling him the full truth about their situation and she was glad of that. She hated keeping things from him, but had somehow convinced herself it was the right way to handle this situation. ‘Soon, honey.. I can tell you something, soon’ she thought.
Sarah Bader picked that particular moment to come and check on her friend and reassure her that the baby would be safe throughout the procedure she was about to undergo. “Hello, Marlena… how are you holding up this morning?” she asked, while surveying the area for some sign that John was there with her patient.
Marlena noticed what the other physician was doing and answered the unspoken question, “No, Sarah…he’s not coming, I still haven’t told him anything.”
Sarah confronted her once more, “Marlena… we’ve talked about this, John has a right to know what is happening with you. How can you justify keeping something so important from him?”
“Yes we *have* talked about this before and Sarah.. I told you that I just.. couldn’t spoil his happiness until I knew for sure what we were really facing. After I get the results of this biopsy, I will tell him.”
Sarah sighed resignedly, and said, “Alright, Marlena, I can see that there’s no convincing you at this point. So, I’ll just go over this again. This is a simple biopsy that will only require one small incision and Dr. Tanner will use a local anesthetic which won’t pose any threat to you or the baby at any time. If the lump is small enough they’ll take it all at one time and then send it down and do a frozen section. If the cancer is more extensive, you’ll most likely have another surgery to face.”
Marlena sighed wearily and then said, “I guess I should take comfort in the fact that this won’t harm the baby; that is something good for me to focus on, isn’t it?” she asked, not really expecting her friend and doctor to answer. After a slightly awkward silence, during which neither knew what to say, Marlena suddenly anxious, asked another question, “Sarah… if they’ve caught it early…do you think…” she started and then stopped. ‘No, I won’t ask that now… it’s too soon,’ she thought.
Dr. Bader knew what she was hoping for without the question being completed and decided to answer it despite the fact that Marlena stopped mid-sentence and had glanced away. “Marlena.. it’s really too soon, but yes, if the cancer is in a very early stage.. it’s possible you could have just the lumpectomy and no follow-up treatment, meaning you could keep the baby with no risk to yourself. That would be the ideal situation, but Marlena…”
Marlena spoke sharply, the fear increasing by the minute, and she blew it off at her doctor. “Don’t say it… I know….it’s not likely and that’s just wishful thinking on my part, I understand Sarah!”
Dr. Tanner had impeccable timing, managing to walk into the area at precisely the right moment, saying, “I see that you’re anxious to get this procedure underway, Marlena. Let’s get you on into the OR, shall we?” she said, gesturing to a nurse to assist in taking Marlena where she needed to go, which was just down the hall a short ways. Within minutes she was all prepped, the local anesthetic had been injected near her breast and she had been painted with betadine. In less than an hour a part of her body, a part of her right breast would be gone….forever.
As Marlena prepared to feel the tugging sensation as the scalpel sliced into her delicate flesh, she unexpectedly flashed on a memory of her husband and their lovemaking. There were wondrous images of John kissing her there, his mouth, his tongue, and his tender hands caressing her until she was filled with aching desire from the stimulating sensations he stirred within her body. He always said such loving romantic words to her when they shared themselves intimately and she remembered some of them, “Oh, Marlena…you’re so beautiful, your breasts are.. so soft, so perfect.. I love to be with you, to touch you there.” She was afraid that would all change after this day. ‘Oh, John will you still want me that way, will you still want to touch me… will I still be beautiful to you?’ she asked in the privacy of her own mind. Marlena was embarrassed to feel tears filling her eyes and realized that despite her intensive efforts to contain them, a few of them were sneaking out and trickling down her cheeks. Sarah was still by her side, believing she needed the support; this lady in a hospital gown was much more than a patient to Sarah. Marlena was a friend. She instinctively knew what her friend was worrying about, as it was a common reaction. Taking her hand and giving it a squeeze of reassurance, Sarah answered those unspoken questions, “It’s okay, Marlena… don’t worry, he’ll still love you, he’ll still think you’re beautiful.”
Marlena couldn’t acknowledge it verbally, but it did help to hear the words spoken aloud. She nodded and wiped the tears away with the backs of her outstretched fingertips in a characteristic gesture, then laid back silently on the operating table, waiting for the inevitable.
Across town, John was sitting in his offices at Alamain Industries… wondering about Marlena. His gut told him there was something happening with her besides the pregnancy and her feelings about the not so perfect timing or her fears about a difficult pregnancy. His mind on the other hand told him not to worry, to take what she said on face value, to accept her explanations without question because Marlena would never lie to him. They vowed to be honest about everything since reuniting and as far as John knew they had both kept that vow; at least he knew he had honored it. Nevertheless, he found that he couldn’t concentrate on his work this morning; for some unknown reason he sensed that Marlena needed him. Recalling their conversation before heading out the door of the house to their separate vehicles something stood out for him. Marlena was adamant about John not driving her in to the hospital and that was strange because she often seemed to like it when he offered to drive lately, unless she had some specific schedule differences and needed her car. ‘Her reaction was so strong this morning…why? and she was snappy with me about the dream. She was in such a hurry to get out at a certain time too… What’s going on with you, Doc?’ he asked in his mind. The more he dwelled on it, the more he began to conclude that she was afraid and hiding something, but she didn’t feel she could tell him for some reason. ‘And, she seemed to drift off a lot, ever since learning about the baby… there must be something else… but what? Is it just what she says? or is there more to it than that?’
John was deep in thought when Kate arrived at his door. “John…are you all right?” she asked, wondering what had him so engrossed.
“Oh.. uh..hi Kate, to what do I owe this visit?” he asked, sitting upright, trying to shake off his concerns and focus on her.
She smiled at him, dismissing the far away look in his eyes to direct his attention to something positive. “Well, I just wanted to let you know that Victor is improving and he’s been indicating that he wants to see you. Do you think you might make some time to get out to the rehab center sometime this week?”
John smiled and then stood up to gave her a quick embrace, saying, “Kate, that’s great news.. Of course I can! I’ll go out there right now, I’ve been itching for something to get me out of here. I just can’t seem to focus on work this morning.”
John was such a good man, always ready to stop whatever he was doing when someone needed him, no matter the reason. “Thank you, John.. I know it will mean a lot to Victor, he really cares for you. “
“I care a lot about him too, Kate. It’s been a strange journey to friendship, but he’s become very important to me. I’ll just head right out there now, thanks so much for coming in person with the good news,” he said with a genuine smile.
“Anytime and thank you so much, I know that you and Marlena are pretty… busy these days.. with being newlyweds,” she said with a wink and a knowing smile on her face.
John chuckled lightly and said, “Yes.. we are, but I’ll always have time for you and Victor, Kate. I’ll see you soon and I’ll give him your love.” With that he grabbed his keys and headed on out the door, pleased to be going to see Victor; it had been a long time since the stroke and John had almost given up hope of ever having anything approaching a normal relationship with him again. Victor was as close to having a father figure as he had, much like Shawn Brady, but much more formal in nature. Still, the man was important to John, he was Brady’s grandfather and therefore, he would always have a special place in John’s life. Now, it just might be possible to renew that relationship. ‘What better timing could there be,’ he thought, ‘when I have such exciting news for him.’ “Thank you, Lord for bringing him this far. Please…help him heal all the way and come back to Kate and Phillip, it will mean so much to them,” he prayed. “And to me and Brady as well.”
Within the hour, he was sitting in the solarium of the Rehab hospital with Victor, who definitely seemed to recognize him for the first time in months. John shook his hand, showed him some pictures to orient the man and then began to tell him all the news from Salem. That included Abe and Lexie’s pregnancy and John could have sworn that Victor was smiling when John told him about the baby Marlena was carrying.
Two hours later, Marlena was sitting on a bed, behind a curtain recovering from the biopsy and waiting for the results from pathology. As promised, the lab was running them stat as professional courtesy. Dr. Tanner and Dr. Bader made sure of that. “Oh, God.. please…make it soon, I can’t handle this waiting very much longer,” she prayed. She got her wish as she looked up after finishing her brief prayer. Standing in front of her were Sarah and Elizabeth, pathology reports and blood work results in hand. Marlena wasted no time and asked straight out, recognizing from their facial expressions that the news was not as good as it could be. “Well, just tell me, doctors.. what type of cancer do I have, what stage is it in, and what are the recommended treatment options?”
They hesitated only briefly.. this was the most dreaded part of the job, being the bearer bad tidings, but they were used to that aspect of their chosen profession. It was when acting in that capacity involved someone whom they knew personally that it became difficult. Then it wasn’t just a patient, a number on some chart or report, it was a real person with fears and hopes and dreams. This was one of those difficult times for both of them. Sarah looked at Marlena, lying there in the hospital gown and she seemed suddenly so very vulnerable, her breast bandaged, her shoulder exposed. Dr. Bader felt great compassion toward her friend and spoke with according quiet compassion as she shared a suggestion, “Marlena.. I think you should call John… and let him be here to support you.”
Hearing the concern in Sarah’s voice was frightening. Maybe it was much worse than they thought originally, the lump was much bigger, the cancer spreading. Marlena began to catastrophize in her mind about how bad it must be to garner such a firm recommendation about having John come over to the hospital to be with her, but then again Sarah had said the same thing all along. Maybe she was jumping to conclusions.
She looked up at the women fearfully and then feeling a sense of irritation born of impatience, she said firmly, “Explain it to me! Just give me the results and then *I* will decide exactly what to tell my husband!” she finished, much louder and more forcefully than intended. It was fear talking. Marlena simply couldn’t wait any longer to hear the outcome of her surgery. She was paralyzed, unable to make any decisions about her future until she had those results. Once she knew the type of cancer, how far along it was, and how aggressively it might grow, she believed that she could make good choices for herself and for John, for Belle and Brady, and for her unborn child.
Pathology Reports and Difficult Decisions
Marlena leaned back against the bed, anxiously waiting for Sarah Bader and Elizabeth Tanner to give her the news that would change the course of her future, however long that might be. In the space of five more minutes, her life would be completely different than it had been, and numerous memories began to flash before her mind’s eye. Her graduations from high school and college, her parents looking on with pride; her weddings to Don and Roman; losing DJ, her first child; her grief when she thought Roman had died; running up the hill to John, believing he was Roman Brady…. Her first wedding ceremony with that wonderful man; the day in the park from the honeymoon that followed; all the days her children were born; her second wedding to John and the glorious honeymoon; simple carefree summer days playing in the park with her youngest two; romantic nights with John, and finally the moment in which she told John about her current pregnancy. The look on his face and the sound of his voice that day were etched in her brain. In the two minutes time before they reviewed the final diagnosis and prognosis, all those memories “flashed before her eyes” just like the old cliche.
Her musings were interrupted by the sound of a concerned voice and a light touch on the unaffected side, “Marlena, are you ready?” asked Sarah, who noticed her friend drifting off, surmising what might be happening.
She was startled, “Oh.. uh..yes, I’m sorry. I was just… thinking,” she said, wondering briefly how many more special memories she would have the chance to make with all the people she loved.
Dr. Tanner started in right away, “All right, then let’s get right to the matter. I’d like to go over the report as a whole and then go back over it in detail if you like and you can ask questions. Okay?
Marlena felt the tears returning and she labored to contain them and the fear they represented. Taking her hand, Sarah asked one last time, “Marlena.. are you sure you don’t want John to be here, honey.. I think you need him with you.”
Marlena showed her with her eyes that she was touched, but shook her head and said, quietly, “No… Sarah… not yet. I promise I will tell him something when the time is right, I can.. handle this,” she said, her voice sounding more firm, but her trembling body giving away the anxiety she was really feeling. Marlena made eye contact with Dr. Tanner, who was being quite understanding, somewhat surprisingly to Marlena. Surgeons were notoriously not patient with delays, and often found ways to excuse themselves quickly when situations involving patients lasted longer than expected, or when there was too much emotion for them to handle.
Seeing that Marlena was ready to listen and hopefully absorb the information she needed to know in order to make an informed decision about how to proceed with treatment, the doctor began. “All right, as you know, after doing the needle biopsy and determining that you had cancer, we scheduled the excisional biopsy. Holding up a diagram of a typical breast, the surgeon pointed to the location and said, “The good news is that your tumor was found in the upper right quadrant. It was approximately three centimeters in size and appeared on examination of the surrounding tissue to be fairly well isolated with clean margins. The not so good news is that you have what is called Invasive ductal carcinoma, the most common type of breast cancer and the cells were a grade three, meaning they are poorly differentiated and multiply rapidly. As far as detailed tests go, you are hormone receptor negative which may preclude hormone oriented treatments like tamoxifen. Flow cytometry and DNA analysis indicate the same aggressiveness noted elsewhere. The blood work shows no metastasis at this time, the liver and lungs appear to be clear.”
Marlena remained silent, trying to absorb all the information. She was stunned, it was all so unreal to her because she had been forcing it down and hadn’t allowed herself to focus on the details of her situation. Now, she heard it come out of the surgeon’s mouth and it was all right there in black and white. She didn’t know what to think or how to feel or what to say or do. After an agonizing pause, she asked blankly, “Now what? What treatment do I need?”
As the physician began to speak, Marlena felt as if she left her physical body and was looking down on the scene from above it. The doctor was talking to someone else about having cancer and needing treatment. It just can’t be me she’s talking about!’ Marlena exclaimed in the privacy of her mind. It was happening to someone else. It was some stranger who was learning that her life might be limited, some other woman who was weeping with the release of pent up emotions about what her future held in store, someone else whose hopes and dreams for a long life with her young children and the man she loved were on the verge of crashing down around her.
Dr. Tanner was direct and clinical which was what Marlena needed, but it wasn’t a very supportive environment. She was thankful Sarah had stayed around for this aspect of her diagnosis. “Well, I recommend immediate termination of the pregnancy and….” she began. Marlena’s hands went instinctively to her belly, and she took a protective posture, pulling her knees up in front of her, not at all ready to concede the battle on that issue. Elizabeth Tanner took notice, but did not comment, believing it was a natural initial response. She believed the woman would come around, but she didn’t know this woman like Sarah did. The other physician was worried about what she saw in Marlena’s eyes in response to that statement by the surgeon. However, she didn’t verbalize her concern in the immediacy of the situation.
“… followed by dissection of several of the axillary lymph nodes to determine the full extent of the cancer, bone and liver scans to further evaluate for metastasis, and then a course of radiation and systemic chemotherapy. I’d like to proceed with the surgical removal of lymph nodes as soon as possible and then have you consult with the oncologists about various treatment options. However, that is essentially what needs to be done.”
By the time the other woman was finished speaking, Marlena’s inner spirit being had come back down and she was there as herself again, having heard the whole truth. Now it was as if a tremendous wave came washing over her, knocking her feet right out from under her, pulling her out into ever deeper water, without hope of rescue from the raging sea. ‘John!’ she cried out in her mind, ‘I need you! Save me from this pain, John!’ She chastised herself strongly, as she battled the paralyzing fear inside her soul, ‘No…he’s not here, Marlena, you kept this from him…and he can’t help you now.’ She was terrified beyond belief, and yet there was shock and denial, right along with the fear and anxiety about what she faced and it was very confusing to her. The other two physicians honored the silence, recognizing the enormity of the situation for Marlena Evans-Black. The reality was finally beginning to sink in. They wanted her to kill her child, but they spoke of it in such clinical terms, terms she had used. ‘Terminate the pregnancy? It sounds like I’m firing somebody, but it’s not that simple. I would be willfully taking the life of my unborn child, a child created from the amazing love John and I share, a life that is every bit as precious as those of all my other children, as valuable as my own. How can I do that, even to save my own life? And then, there is John… What about John? Remembering that day when she came home to meet him in the gazebo at the house, the exuberance of his response, the joy in his eyes, the gleeful tone of his voice, and that smile, a smile of pure unadulterated bliss. John was happier than she ever remembered seeing him to learn she was carrying his child…again, only this time the baby was conceived openly in the context of marriage.
Again, her contemplation was interrupted by her doctor friend’s voice, “Marlena… Marlena.. did you want us to go over it again?” Sarah was asking with such tenderness that she was touched by the woman’s concern, but couldn’t take time to acknowledge it at the moment. “What? Oh, uh…I guess so. Oh, I don’t know… I’m a little.. confused right now.” There was another quiet period and then she finished with what was most on her mind, “I guess I have one question that came to mind immediately. What happens if I delay further treatment until after the baby is born?”
The two doctors were stunned, Dr. Tanner more so than Dr. Bader, who had known all the way through that Marlena might consider that option. Dr Elizabeth Tanner had been in the profession a long time and was used to similar situations. She wanted to be truthful, but not harsh. Taking a deep breath to temper her slightly incredulous response, she said, “Marlena, you have a stage two, grade three, invasive carcinoma which means that it’s aggressive and potentially quickly reproducing. It may spread without us knowing it, or it may recur. We have no way of knowing exactly what will happen without further diagnostic procedures and follow-up treatment. I can give you the five-year survival rate statistics, but we all know that those numbers don’t apply to specific individuals. All I can tell you is that you would be facing a serious risk of metastasis and/or recurrence if you go several more months without any intervention, especially since we don’t know about the lymph node involvement. In the worst case scenario, the cancer could progress beyond our ability to treat it successfully if you wait.”
She blew out a long breath, thinking she knew what the physician was saying, but she had to know for sure. “You’re saying there’s a good chance I could die if I wait, is that it?”
After another awkward silence, both doctors nodded their answer and Dr. Tanner, replied matter of factly, “Yes, that’s exactly what we’re saying Marlena.”
Marlena hadn’t been prepared to face that reality just yet. She didn’t know what else to say and so she stated the obvious. Holding her belly, which did not yet show external evidence of the life growing inside her womb, she said, “So.. you really think I should abort my baby and start treatment right away?”
Sarah responded this time, “Yes.. that’s what we both think is the best course of action, Marlena. I think it would be a tragic mistake to take the chance that you can carry the baby to term, have the treatment and go on to have the full life with your husband and children that you want. Marlena, I know that it hurts you to think of losing this baby, but is it really worth risking your life? Do you want to leave your other children motherless, do you want John to be a young widower for the second time, with another child to raise all by himself?”
Marlena… was indecisive and Sarah was getting to her, “Oh, Sarah..I don’t know… this is so hard!” she cried.
Sarah was concerned and she pushed her patient and friend to examine the full ramifications of her potential choices because she believed it was the right thing to do, “Marlena, John was completely devastated when he lost Isabella. You… were the reason he survived it. Do you want him to face that kind of pain again, to watch you die while he is helpless to do anything for you? Do you think he can handle it a second time?”
The pressure was mounting, the fear was encroaching, and she felt herself about to lose all control and she shouted at her well meaning friend, “STOP IT! Just stop it, Sarah!” After pausing long enough to calm down, she said more quietly, “Look, I…need some time… please leave the reports with me and I will… review them again and then decide what to do next.”
Wishing she could convince her patient to involve her husband in the decision-making process, she started to ask, “Marlena…please, don’t you want to…”
Marlena put her left hand in a defensive gesture meant to back the aggressor off, “Don’t Sarah, don’t say it! I know what you were going to say, you were going to ask me to call John. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, not yet. Please… just…leave me alone for a little while so I can think about all this and consider my options. I’ll let you know what I decide…soon.”
“Allright, Marlena.. we’ll only be a pager away.. Please.. think about what we’ve said. I’ll see you later.”
“Thank you.. both of you. I appreciate your honesty and direct approach. It’s the best way.” Marlena managed to keep the lion’s share of her emotions contained while they were in the room, but the second the door closed behind them and she was alone, the tears rushed to fill her eyes and began to spill out like a river overflowing its banks. “Oh God! Oh my God! What am I going to do?” Again, her hands went to her belly as she agonized over the impossible choice she had to make, a feeling of utter panic taking over, “My.. baby! Oh, John.. they want me to kill our baby! How can I do that… when you are so completely overjoyed about it?” Another image came to mind; it was one time in the past few days when he came home with flowers for her, to make sure she knew just how happy she had made him, in every way. Having a child with her this time around meant the world to John, since he hadn’t been there during the time she carried Belle. “Oh, John… I know I need to include you in this.. but you would probably tell me to save myself, even if it was tearing you apart inside. I love this baby too, so very much! How can I choose to take its life before it ever has the chance to breathe its first breath?” This was without a doubt the most difficult decision she had ever faced and she spent a long time reviewing the pathology report and blood work. About an hour and a half later, she called for her two physicians, prepared to inform them of her choice.
Convictions of the Heart
Commander Abraham Carver was rushing through the corridors of Salem’s University Hospital after having a midmorning snack with his wife Lexie. Ever since he learned she was pregnant, he wanted to see her even more often; it was all so exciting. His dream of having a family was finally going to come true. And, to top it off, he and his best friend were going to share the experience of fatherhood together. Life just couldn’t get any better than that. In this moment, however, he was late for a meeting with the DA about the cases they had on all three Dimera’s. The trials would begin within the next month and there could be no mistakes, no legal loopholes for their crooked lawyers to pull them through. Abe was kicking himself for trying to squeeze in the visit to Lexie because when he was with her lately, he could hardly tear himself away from her.
With all that as a backdrop, he almost dismissed the sounds he heard emanating from one of the examining rooms as he hurried past in his haste to leave the building. They were the deep mournful cries of a woman and they sounded so familiar to him. Where had he heard those cries before? The door was closed and he was late, so he couldn’t stop to investigate. Deciding that he must be imagining that he knew the person, Abe paused only momentarily before continuing on his journey.
John was in the Jeep on his way back from seeing Victor, a wide smile of pleasant surprise on his face. The man really seemed to recognize him and it looked like he understood what John was saying too. ‘He really is getting better, maybe he’s gonna make it all the way back.. Oh, I sure hope so for Brady’s sake… and for mine too. Come on admit it, you’ve missed his friendship.’ It was so strange to admit that sometimes… after all this was a man who was once a bitter enemy, involved in John’s suffering as The Pawn.. part of some scheme masterminded originally by Stefano… John had been used abused and manipulated by some despicable people and for a time Victor was one of them.
It was a testimony to the bonds of the parent-child relationship that the man had changed. Isabella was so important to him that her dying request had long lasting impact and he and John had grown closer as a result of sharing that tragic loss. Thinking back on all that, he said in his mind, ‘Oh Vic… we sure have had one strange road to friendship, but I have to admit it, I’ve really missed your presence in my life during this past year. You always helped me see things from a different perspective and you were so supportive of me when everyone else was so angry and rejecting of me because of the affair. What I did was wrong and I understood why they reacted that way, but it was nice to know that someone cared about me and how I felt. I sure hope this improvement means you’re on your way to a full recovery. Brady would be so thrilled.’ John vowed to bring his boy with him for the next visit; maybe seeing his little grandson would help Victor’s recovery along.
As he reached the Salem city limits, his cell phone rang, “Hello?” he asked, thinking it might be the office, but wishing it would be Marlena.
He instantly realized it was neither as he heard the familiar voice of his best friend Abe Carver, “John, it’s me.. listen, this is going to sound strange, but.. I was at the hospital about an hour and a half ago and I was running down the hall, and I heard this woman crying. She was very upset… and I just…can’t stop thinking about it.”
John had a sudden jolt of fearful adrenaline in his gut. “Oh, no.. Abe..who did…” he started to ask and stopped.
Abe jumped right in saying worriedly, “John, the more I think about it, the more I keep wondering if it was Marlena. The cries were so familiar to me… Whoever it was… she must be facing something very painful. I’m probably… way off here, but I just had to call you because of what you’ve been saying about how Marlena might be hiding something from you.”
John couldn’t speak for a moment, as all those instances of Marlena drifting off in the middle of a conversation, staring off blankly into space, the time in her office when she said something about…”then I can tell John..” But, she consistently denied anything was wrong and John chose to believe what made him feel safest. “Oh, Abe…no..you must have been mistaken. Malena went in early because she had a full patient load today, she couldn’t have been in an examining room. Besides she wouldn’t keep something that important form me.” John stated it as fact, but in his mind, he added the words,‘Would she?’
His best friend sighed with relief and then concurred, “Oh, well… all right, then… that settles it. I just thought I should give you a call buddy, I’ll catch you later, allright?”
“Yea…. Thanks for calling, Abe I appreciate it,” John said somewhat absently, as he closed up the cell phone and placed it on the seat next to him.
As he hung up the telephone in his office, Abe revisited that instant of going past the room at the hospital. It sounded so much like Marlena. He immediately refuted the thought, not wanting anything to be wrong with his friend either. ‘Nah… if John says it can’t be…. He must be right. Forget about it, Abe,’ he told himself firmly in his head.
Although John covered his concern with this friend, his mind was already focused in on the questions that were still as yet unanswered, questions Abe’s phone call caused him to re-analyze. Remembering how adamant his wife was about John not driving her to the hospital that morning, he couldn’t shake the feeling rising in his gut. It was fear. ‘What if that’s it? What if there is something really wrong with the baby and she didn’t want to tell me yet… that would explain everything… “Oh, man…please let Abe be wrong!” Wishing he could dismiss the concern like he had just told his friend to do, John said anxiously to himself, “I gotta go check this out,” as he pressed on the gas pedal and took the exit which would lead him straight to the hopital where he could find out for certain.
Marlena waited for her doctors to arrive, steeling herself for the potentially intense conversation she was about to have. This was the most agonizing decision she had ever made and she had to know one more piece of information before she finalized it in her mind. As she tried to map out some kind of future for herself and all of the people she loved, Marlena looked up and there they were appearing in the doorway, their weak smiles a testimony to her own distress about her no-win scenario.
“Well, Marlena have you made your decision?” asked Sarah hoping her words and the facts of the serious situation had swayed her friend to do what was necessary to save her own life.
Somewhat nervously fiddling with the bed sheets, Marlena answered, “Yes, I believe I have, but I need to ask one more question before I completely resolve the issue in my mind. I’d like you to give me the prognosis based on the data you have now.”
The two physicians exchanged nervous glances, knowing what she was getting at. Dr. Tanner answered with a qualifying statement, “Well, as you know, we discovered the cancer in an early stage. With proper and timely treatment I would say that the prognosis is excellent for a full recovery. However, if you wait, your chances drop with every month that passes without further treatment. Like I said before, currently there is no metastasis to other organs, but we don’t know about the lymph system yet. To find that out requires surgery with general anesthesia and we can’t do that with you being pregnant. You have to decide one way or the other, Marlena.”
Marlena nodded, it was what she already knew. “Alright then, thank you both for your directness and your frank offering of opinions. I need to clarify something else. You are bound by a patient’s right to confidentiality and are committed to honoring that concept, aren’t you?”
Sarah sighed with worry, knowing why her patient needed to ask, “Yes, Marlena we are bound by those principles and we will honor them, no matter how we feel personally about your choices.”
Marlena took a deep breath and let it out, then proceeded to share her decision. “All right then, I have decided to keep my baby and wait on further treatment. And, I want you both to know that I am not going to tell John about the cancer. Knowing will only upset him and he would without a doubt try to convince me to take what you both say is the wisest course for me, so I expect that you will not say a word to him about anything other than my pregnancy and related matters.”
Sarah observed her closely; Marlena was so calm and collected on the outside that it was almost frightening, when they both knew that inside she was shaking with nearly unbearable fear for herself, her husband, her other children, and even the unborn child growing inside her womb. No matter what she decided there were no guarantees. “Oh, Marlena.. are you absolutely certain that this is what’s best for you?”
Shaking her head, Marlena said sadly, “No… it isn’t what’s best for me… it’s what is right for my child.” Putting her hands protectively over her still flat belly, she shared her heartfelt convictions, “This baby means everything to me and even more importantly to John. It brings our love full circle, back to where it was and should always have been. Bringing another child into a strong marriage and a loving family is something John has longed for and I won’t deprive him of that, no matter what the cost is to me personally. I am going to take the risk that I can still beat the cancer after the baby is born. But, if doesn’t work out that way, at least we will have shared that precious time and made some very special memories to last John a lifetime. And most important of all, I won’t have willingly taken the life of my own child. Please try to understand, Sarah, I just can’t do that.”
The surgeon nodded her head admiringly, understanding her patient’s choice and said, “Well, then you won’t be needing me for anything more. Please let me know if you change your mind at any time and we’ll set up the surgery. Good luck, Marlena.”
“Thank you Dr. Tanner, I appreciate your input and your expertise,” Marlena replied, shaking the woman’s outstretched hand.
After waiting until the door closed behind the other doctor and taking a moment to formulate her thoughts, Sarah said, “So.. what are you going to tell John about this little procedure you’ve just had?”
With that falsely calm demeanor, Marlena answered firmly, “I’m going to tell him that I had a lump removed and that I didn’t say anything to him before now because it was benign and it wasn’t anything to be concerned about.”
Sarah replied with much concern, still slightly disbelieving of the choices her patient was making, “Oh, Marlena… lying to your husband about this… keeping something so important about your health from him, you can’t feel good about that.”
Finally, some emotion touched Marlena’s voice as she responded, “No.. I feel horrible about it, but if he knows about the cancer, John will pressure me to abort this baby. Even if it’s tearing him apart inside to lose another child, he will want me to save myself and I can’t do that to him. I can’t put him in that position, Sarah. And God knows I can’t justify taking this baby’s life.” Sighing with an overwhelming sense of weariness that came from the anticipation of the difficult days and months ahead, she said, “So.. I have to lie to my husband, when I promised on our wedding day that I would never keep anything from him. I HATE it, but I just don’t see any other way to handle this situation, Sarah. Can you honor my wishes and keep this secret or do I need to find another doctor?”
Sarah was hurt and a little offended, but she understood. “Marlena, I will honor your wishes. I don’t agree with your decision, but I will not violate your right to confidentiality. You don’t need to find another doctor unless you feel that’s what is best for you.”
Shaking her head, she said firmly, “No… Sarah, I don’t want to choose anyone else. I trust your word and I want you to follow this pregnancy and consult with the oncologists as necessary.”
“Allright then. I sure wish you would reconsider, but if you are set on having this baby, then I will do everything in my power to help you carry it to term and deliver a healthy child seven months or so from now.”
The two women shared a tearful embrace and Marlena said, “Thank you, Sarah. I do appreciate your opinion, but I’m doing what I have to do. This baby is every bit as precious to me as my other children are. I simply cannot choose to kill it, not to save myself or to please the people who love me. It just wouldn’t be right. I’m sorry.”
With a weak smile Sarah said nodded and then said convincingly, “Okay… I won’t say anything more about it. From now on, we will focus on keeping you as strong and healthy as we can and helping your baby grow and develop normally.”
The emotions starting to build up again, Marlena responded tearfully, “Oh, thank you, Sarah. I need your support to get through this. Keeping the truth from John… will be the most painful and difficult thing I have ever had to do. After what happened with Kristen.. I don’t want to do it, he’ll be so hurt when he does finally learn the truth.. but I don’t know what else to do!” In spite of her best efforts to hold back the tears, Marlena began to cry as she shared her concept of what life was going to be like from this day forward, “I’ll have to.. lie to him…every day..of our life together and pretend to be as happy as he is… even when the fear takes over.. and I won’t be able to do that… without someone to confide in who won’t try to persuade me to change my mind when I get scared.”
There were tears in Sarah’s eyes as she took her weeping patient in her arms and said reassuringly, “I’ll be there… whenever you need me, Marlena and I won’t pressure you about this any more, I promise. You are not only my patient, you are my friend and you can count on me, no matter what happens.” Sarah admired her friend tremendously. Marlena was a very strong woman, who was following the convictions of her heart, in spite of the personal risk involved. She was willing to do whatever was necessary to bring the child created from the deep and abiding love she and John shared, into the world, including sacrificing her own life. That ability was one of the finest qualities she possessed; it was also one which upon occasion caused those who loved her to suffer, sometimes without their knowledge until it was too late. This was potentially one of those times.
Mixed Signals
Twenty minutes after reaching the Salem city limits, John was guiding his black Jeep Grand Cherokee into a spot in the visitor’s garage at Salem University Hospital. After quickly locking it up and engaging the anti-theft device, he rushed into the building to search for his wife. John headed straight toward her office, the most logical place to look. Bursting into the waiting area, he spoke anxiously to her secretary, asking, “Is Marlena in there?” as he walked swiftly toward her office, barely restraining himself from simply opening the closed door to check.
Standing up, the young woman said, “No, I’m sorry, Mr. Black, but she’s not here today. In fact, she won’t be in until Monday. Didn’t she tell you?” asked the secretary, wondering why this newly married couple wouldn’t have communicated better than that.
Feeling the need to cover for his wife and hide their lack of honesty, John said with a forced awkward smile, “Oh, yea… I guess I must have forgotten. I’m sorry to have disturbed you. I’ll just catch up with her at home later.” John walked somewhat absently out into the hallway wearing a stunned expression. He couldn’t believe it, Marlena had flat out lied to him about what was happening. John was totally shocked, “Oh, Doc.. we promised there would be no more secrets. Why did you lie to me? What are you hiding from me?” His best buddy’s words came to mind immediately. “I heard someone crying… whoever it was must have been facing something very painful… I couldn’t help but wonder if it was Marlena…”
John had to know what was going on. If Marlena were indeed hiding something important about her health or the baby’s, he had a right to know and he was determined to find out what it was. Without another moment’s hesitation, John bounded toward the elevator, nearly colliding with Sarah Bader in his haste to vacate the premises.
An odd expression crossed her face and then she had the typical nondescript professional demeanor to which he was becoming accustomed. The physician nodded to acknowledge his presence, but was focused on moving away from him quickly, as if she didn’t want to speak with him. “Dr. Bader, wait a minute, please. I need to talk to you about something. Do you have some time?” John called down the hall, pondering why she might want to avoid him.
Sarah labored to conceal all emotion regarding the patient she had left a hour or so ago, forcing a pleasant smile to appear on her face. Acting as though she hadn’t heard him calling at first, she turned and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, John I must have been preoccupied. How are you this morning? How is Marlena doing?”
Stepping closer, John said, “Well, I was hoping you could tell me. She’s not here at the office and a friend of mine told me he heard someone that sounded like her crying earlier this morning. She’s been acting a little strangely and I’m.. worried about her. Is everything allright with the baby?”
Dr. Bader was relieved that he asked that particular question, one she could answer without keeping something from him. Confidentiality sometimes translated into lying and Sarah hated that aspect of her job. “John, I assure you the baby is doing fine. Everything seems to be developing normally so far.”
He breathed a huge sigh of relief and said, “Oh good, I was getting nervous about something going wrong. Do you happen to know why she took two days off from work so unexpectedly?”
Looking thoughtful, she said, “Well, she did say how rough her morning sickness has been and she’s been so fatigued. Maybe she just decided not to fight it and went home to get some rest.”
John pondered that one… it could be.. but it didn’t explain why his wife told him she had a full patient load and needed to get in early. Deciding it wasn’t Sarah’s problem, he said, “Yea.. that must be it, thank you for your time, Doctor.”
“Oh, that’s no problem, John. I’ll see you at Marlena’s next appointment then?” she asked politely as she began to step away from him.
His mind was so focused on what could be happening with Marlena, he hardly heard her. Smiling weakly, he replied by rote, “Oh… yes, sure I’ll see you then.” Suddenly, a thought occurred and he snapped to attention and looked closely at the physician, wondering if there were more to the story than she was telling him. There was something undefinable in the woman’s eyes when he first called her name that made him wonder if she were hiding something too. “Forgive me, but I get the feeling that there’s something you’re not telling me, Doctor. Please, if something is wrong with Marlena and the baby I need to know.”
John was sharply observant; his self-esteem damaging experience of broken trust and betrayal at the hands of Kristen Dimera must have resulted in a heightened scrutiny of other’s actions and the nonverbal signals they sent out. “John, if you’re concerned about your wife, you’ll have to talk with her about it, but I’m telling you that the baby is doing fine as far as I know. I do know that she has been extremely tired and feeling very sick… which is not uncommon. She’s an older mother and there are some concerns about hormone levels, blood sugar and blood pressure this time around, but other than that, things are progressing normally with this pregnancy. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have other patients to see.” Sarah had to put him off and her tone was clipped in an attempt to distract him, possibly making him feel uncomfortable about questioning her honesty.
John was immediately sorry he had implied that she hadn’t been truthful with him, “I’m sorry, Doctor. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything, I’m just worried about Marlena.” He recalled the conversation in which his new wife admitted that she wasn’t sure about the timing of the pregnancy and he wondered if that were part of the problem. Sighing sadly he said, “I thought she was as happy about this baby as I was. Maybe that’s not the case, maybe that’s why she drifts off on me when I get all excited about it. Maybe she doesn’t really want to have another child.”
Sarah’s heart went out to him, the dejection in his tone was touching and she reassured him about Marlena’s love for their unborn child. “Oh, John I don’t think that’s it at all. I know for certain that she wants this baby, more than anything else in her life right now.” That was an absolute fact; Marlena wanted to give life to the child created from the love she shared with John, more than she wanted to preserve her own.
The way she said it convinced him and his face lit up, as he replied excitedly, “You’re right, she does.. doesn’t she? Well, I guess I better go talk to her and find out if there is something else upsetting her or if it’s just morning sickness like you said. Once again, thank you for your time.”
Touching him lightly on the arm, the physician said, “It’s no problem, John… Now.. go on.. take care of your wife.”
“I will.. I promise you that,” John said strongly as he stepped back on to the elevator for the trip down to the parking garage level. After he left, Sarah Bader lingered in the hallway for a moment, thinking about all that lay ahead for the couple she thought of as friends. ‘Good luck, John. Marlena is set on having this baby and I don’t think there is anything anyone can say to her that will change her mind about it. She is acting on heartfelt convictions and I don’t think even you can overcome them and convince her to have an abortion and pursue treatment, once you finally do learn the truth, that is.’ Walking away toward her own office, Sarah wished with all her might that she was wrong in her conclusion, but in her objective mind she believed she was completely correct.
In another twenty-five minutes, John was tooling up the driveway of his new home, the one he had specifically built to please his wife and children, wanting to give them a feeling of peace and serenity. It was set on a hill overlooking their own private lake with a sloping back yard that flattened out to make a large play area for the children. As soon as he stepped inside the house, John called out to her, “Marlena.. are you home?”
She felt panic rising in her belly. The moment she dreaded had arrived, the moment she had to tell a bold faced lie to the man she loved, the man to whom she pledged total honesty only a few short weeks ago. Lying to John after everything that happened with Kristen was going to be so difficult, knowing how hurt and betrayed he felt when that woman’s lies were exposed, knowing that his experience of being deceived and manipulated made him question everything about himself and affected his self-esteem. Now, she was essentially prepared to do more of the same to him and it tore at the fabric of her heart, but she truly believed she had no choice if she were to protect the life of her unborn child. Hoping to avoid the inevitable for just a little while longer, she feigned sleep as she heard his boot clad feet approaching the door to the master suite.
Upon stepping in the bedroom, John’s glance went directly toward the bed. Marlena was sleeping soundly and he felt an overwhelming sense of love toward her in that simple moment. She was so beautiful, so peaceful looking when she slept and his heart was filled with joy to know she would be in that bed, and in his arms almost every day for the rest of their lives. Quietly, he crossed the distance and laid down next to her, tenderly stroking her silky hair and the velvety soft skin of her cheeks. He spoke in whispers of his love as he continued to touch her worshipfully, “Oh.. Marlena.. I love you so much… I’m so glad you’re home..safe and sound and just resting. I was getting worried about you lady.. but now I can see that you’re all right. I don’t know… what I would ever do without you in my life.. you are..my world, Doc. You are my very life, my heart, my soul, I hope you know that…my lady love.”
Marlena couldn’t help but respond to those sentiments in her heart and she found tears forming in her eyes to hear him utter such amazingly tender comments about her. John noticed the moisture and gently turned her face toward him, “Marlena… you’re awake?”
Through the tears born of mixed emotions, she cried, “Oh, honey… you say such.. incredible things to me… I can hardly believe you love me so much, and I love you that way too, John. Please promise me.. no matter what happens in our life, you won’t ever forget that I love you that same way.”
The way she was talking scared him; she seemed moved by his loving words, but there was more to her response than that. She was upset, possibly frightened about what the future held in store, and he had to know why. “Marlena… what is it? Why are you crying so hard? Please tell me, Doc.”
As he asked the question, he was trying to take off his boots with his feet, and beginning to lift the covers so he could snuggle up with her. That was when he saw her wince in obvious pain as she attempted to reposition herself in the bed to accommodate his presence. Still, she didn’t answer him. John, unexpectedly to Marlena, pulled the covers off and immediately saw the bandages on her chest. She shied away from him, trying to cover herself rapidly and he knew in that second that she was indeed the woman Abe heard crying at the hospital that morning. Worried about her health at the same time as a sense of betrayal struck him like a dagger being plunged into his heart, John was firm with her this time. Tipping her chin up and staring directly into her eyes, he confronted her, “Marlena… you’ve been lying to me and I want to know why. I want you to tell me what is going on and I want you to tell me.. now!”
Even Firm Foundations Sometimes Crumble
Marlena was conspicously avoiding looking him straight in the eye. John felt so hurt, so betrayed by the fact that she had obviously been hiding something so important from him. They promised each other and all their friends and family before God that there would be no more secrets and she had already broken that promise, less than two months after their wedding day. At the same time, he was very worried about her health and he wanted to put aside his own feelings to attend to what had to be a frightening experience for her. Gently touching her left cheek with his right hand, he said, “Marlena.. please, honey… tell me what’s been going on. What have you been keeping from me?” he asked more tenderly than a moment earlier, willing her to meet his concerned gaze.
She hated to see the painful emotions reflected in his eyes, some of the same pain he must have felt the day Kristen was exposed, though certainly with much less intensity. Still, she had broken her commitment to total honesty about all things significant. Seeing tears welling up behind his distressed blue eyes, the longer she hesitated, Marlena finally answered his inquiry. Taking his hands, she said apologetically, “John… I’m very sorry that I haven’t been completely honest with you about what was happening to me, but I didn’t want to spoil your excitement about the baby, unnecessarily. I.. had a small lump removed from my right breast this morning, but there’s nothing to worry about, John. Everything looks fine now and I’m going to go right on with the pregnancy. The baby is doing very well, isn’t that great honey?” she asked cheerfully, praying for the divine intervention she needed to get him to move on quickly, without much further questioning.
John’s jaw dropped open with disbelief, but he finally managed to speak as the shock lessened slightly. He recounted the entire scenario to make it seem real because he could scarcely believe it was true. With a trembling voice, he stared anxiously at her and rattled off the events, “Marlena.. you found a lump in your breast, you went to a physician for an examination, then you had it surgically removed and you never told me about any of it?”
Climbing off the bed and beginning to pace, he shared his strong reaction to that news, “Marlena, I can’t believe this! We took vows, Doc.. you promised to be.. honest with me, not to keep any more secrets.. but you.. kept this from me, something so important like this! I don’t understand, Doc.. Why?” he asked increduously with a more than a hint of anger.
Still sitting on the bed, she watched him for a second and then tried to explain her motivation, “Oh, honey.. please don’t be so upset with me… everything is okay. I just didn’t want you worrying over nothing. You were so happy about the baby, and I just.. didn’t want to do anything that would take away from your excitement over it. I’m doing fine, John.. really,” she lied, pasting a happy, relieved smile on her face.
Forgetting about his sense of betrayal in favor of his positive response to the news that his wife was allright, John sighed with genuine relief as he sat back down, taking Marlena in his arms and holding her very gently, so as not to hurt her. Stroking her hair softly, he said through anxious breaths, “Thank God… when I saw those bandages… I was.. really worried, Doc, but you shouldn’t have had to handle this all alone. Marlena, I could have been there for you, to give you some support.” With an impassioned plea, John added, “Please.. don’t keep something like this from me again, Doc! You’ve said it to me so many times.. we’re married now and we need to face our problems together because we’re a team.. right?”
Marlena hated to think that her own words were coming back to haunt her and would continue to do so for the duration of her pregnancy, for all the times she had to look him in the eye and lie to him about what was happening. Finally, she said to her husband, agreeing with him, “I know.. John, I’m sorry, honey.. you’re right, I should never have kept this from you. Please forgive me.” Her apologetic words sounded so meaningless, so hollow to Marlena, even as she uttered them, when she knew she was still lying to the man she loved, purposely. She was planning to go right on hiding the truth and covering her real feelings and it tore at her heart and soul to know that and to look into those moist eyes, those trusting, believing blue eyes of the man she loved so much.
Marlena wasn’t lying to herself, however, realizing that when he finally did learn the truth, John was going to be devastated and she silently pondered the ultimate outcome of her decision to keep the cancer a secret. In the event that her life was indeed saved in the long run, she didn’t have any idea how the marriage relationship could survive the emotional trauma and the damage to the trust and intimacy that might result from the love motivated design of deception she was now prepared to carry out to it’s definitive conclusion. Marlena was doing it all in order to safeguard the life of their unborn child, believing there was no other choice she could make. Somehow that made it acceptable to her.
John said the words she wanted to hear above all others at the moment, except, that is, for some miraculous revelation that the cancer was all a mistake and that the lump was benign rather than cancerous. Still holding her close, he said softly, “Of course I forgive you.. Marlena. But.. please.. don’t shut me out anymore, that’s all I ask of you, Doc. And, I promise not to do it to you. Okay?” John asked as he ran his fingers through her hair and gently careessed her cheeks. He said it all so sweetly, so kindly and forgivingly that her heart melted with the love he was freely giving her.
Her husband followed up his answer with the sweetest kiss she ever remembered receiving and she swooned in response. “Oh.. John.. I love you, honey.. so much!” she said with intensity. I won’t shut you out, sweety… I’ll try very hard to share everything with you.. from now on.. even the not so fun parts of this pregnancy.”
Not having any real reason to disagree and not wanting to think that anything could be seriously wrong, John allowed himself to believe exactly what she told him, even as a part of him challenged that belief. That still small voice inside asked him questions for which he had no answers, questions he couldn’t bring himself to ask her. ‘If she wasn’t upset or worried about anything.. why would she feel the need to hide it, John? Why would she be so concerned that it would spoil your happiness if she told you?’ Refusing to acknowledge any further doubts or fears, John shut that part of his brain down and accepted her explanation as fact, even as that voice in the back of his head urged him to probe more deeply for details about the lump that was removed. John ignored that nagging voice and went about making sure the woman he loved had everything she needed or wanted to make her recuperation more comfortable. “Oh.. Doc.. I’m so relieved..to know that you’re allright. Can I get you anything? How about something to eat or drink, maybe something to read?” he asked considerately, sounding suddenly nervous.
Smiling at his anxious need to help her in some way, Marlena said calmly, “Yes.. John, I’d like something to drink, thank you for thinking of it, honey.”
When John left the room to get her some juice, Marlena collapsed exhaustedly back into a reclining position on the bed, simultaneously breathing a tremendous sigh of relief. ‘Oh, John.. I hate keeping the truth from you, but it’s the only way for now.. I’m so glad you didn’t push me for more,” she said in her mind. Then, she silently turned to prayer, ‘Please God.. just make him let this be.. don’t.. let him ask me about the details. You know I’m only doing what I have to do to protect my baby… a child you allowed us to create from the amazing love we share. Please help me take good care of this baby, Lord.”
As John descended the stairs and entered the kitchen, the words of his best friend Abe Carver returned to his mind.. “Whoever it was.. they had to be facing something very painful..” John reviewed that conversation in his head numerous times, and then asked out loud, “Okay, let’s say it was Marlena that Abe heard.. if there really wasn’t anything to worry about then why would she be crying so hard? And.. why did she hide any of it from me in the first place.. if she was fine all along, like she says?” As much as he dreaded thinking about all the various negative possibilities, John knew he couldn’t truly allow himself to ignore those nagging questions about whether she was indeed hiding something more from him.
The intercom system was working perfectly; that was comforting to her and at this particular time, it saved her from being unexpectedly exposed. Marlena heard John asking himself pointed questions and she took the time while he was occupied with fixing a snack and pouring juice to compose plausible answers that he would accept. Believing in her heart that this little stroke of luck was the answer to her prayers, Marlena alleviated his concerns and all was right, for the moment.
Nevertheless, every day from this one forward would be a great struggle for Marlena, having to pretend that she was well and cover up how she really felt, but the initial difficulties had been faced. John believed her when she told him that the tears were a release of tension and unexpressed fears about what would happen when she had the minor surgical procedure. Each time Marlena gave him some explanation that she hoped he would take at face value, a little more of the loving trust and intimacy was dying… as she might.. die from the disease that had mysteriously made it’s way into her body, without any symptoms. In much the same way, lying was insidiously damaging to the marital relationship, chipping away bit by bit, at the very foundation of the once rock-solid bond of love that existed between John and Marlena Black. Unfortunately, the tiny fragments were not even noticeable at first, and being thoroughly entrenched in the fortress she was building around her secret, Marlena couldn’t see the harm it wrought.
Not So Well Kept Secrets
Three weeks later:
It was another foggy grey day in Salem; sometimes it seemed as though they all were. John Black stood on the pier staring absently out at the river again, something he seemed to feel the need to do a lot lately. After a few moments of silence he turned back toward his best friend and said, “I’m telling you, Abe, something else is wrong with her, I can feel it. She says everything is fine, but I don’t believe her. I don’t understand why she would be hiding something from me, though. We both promised there would be no more secrets and I thought we were way past all that.”
They had this same basic conversation several times since the night at the Penthouse Grill and Abe wondered if there were any validity to John’s worries, or if he was being overly protective and concerned about his wife during her pregnancy because of all the pain the couple had faced in the past. However, his friend’s instincts were usually right on target. “Are you sure you’re not just reading something more into this than there is? Maybe she’s just nervous about being pregnant at her age, like she says. She knows the risks, John. Maybe she’s concerned about keeping the baby and whether or not it will be healthy, you know that sort of thing. I mean she has had severe morning sickness and that problem with her blood pressure.”
He shook his head and walked down toward the river’s edge, trying to put his gut feelings into words for his friend. “No, that’s what she keeps saying and what I thought at first, but there’s more to it than that, I can tell.” Turning back toward Abe, John said with a puzzled frown, “And get this, whenever we go to the hospital…Mike avoids us like the plague now. I’m not sure what to make of it, Abe. It’s like maybe he…knows something and he’s afraid that if he comes near us he’ll give it away…I’ve noticed it the last few times we’ve gone in for Marlena’s check-ups. They’ve got her going in weekly because of the blood pressure.”
“That is strange, John, I wonder if you’re right about this. Are there any other symptoms besides the normal ones from pregnancy?”
“Not that I can tell, except maybe she’s a lot more tired and like you said she gets sick a lot more than I remember Izzy B doing. It sort of reminds me of…. Oh, no… It couldn’t be that, it just couldn’t be, they would have told me…something like that, wouldn’t they?” He felt a jolt of panic strike in his belly as he reflected back to the past.
“John what are you talking about? I can tell you’re really worried about something?”
If he said it out loud it might make it true somehow. “Oh, Abe I…I wonder if Doc is sick, I mean really sick…with something like…c..c.. Oh God, I can’t even say the word….”
Touching his friend on the arm to gain his full attention, Abe asked somewhat incredulously, having figured it out, “John, you don’t really think Marlena has…cancer, do you?”
John was getting anxious now …remembering Isabella’s symptoms, the fatigue, the pain she tried to hide..”Oh, No! It just can’t be, but she…seems so tired and sick sometimes, Abe and I know she’s hiding something. I’m sure of it!” Suddenly it occurred to him, and it was like an alarm went off in his head, one he had been trying to ignore for a long time. “Oh, man, Abe…. she found a…lump in her breast awhile back, but they removed it and she said…. she said it was nothing to worry about.” John looked at his best friend, seeking reassurance; when he didn’t find it immediately he glanced away.
He began to pace up and down the old wooden planks of the pier; it helped him think and work off his nervous energy sometimes. Then, shaking his head as he tried to deny even the remote possibility his mind was considering, he said, “Oh… no.. no, she wouldn’t.. lie to me about something like that, would she?” he asked, desperate to be wrong. Abe was shocked by the idea that it could be true and didn’t say anything, staring at his friend, wishing he could alleviate his fears. John continued to walk back and forth, processing his anxious thoughts out loud, “No, it doesn’t make any sense, why would she want to hide it if she was sick, Abe? Wouldn’t she want me to help her, to support her through it?” John asked, pleading with his friend to refute his theory. “Well, wouldn’t she?”
Abe was quiet and thoughtful for a moment, considering a difficult possibility. Hesitantly he began to voice it and then stopped mid-sentence, feeling uncertain of himself. “Maybe they….oh never mind, John I probably don’t know what I’m talking about here..”
“No, go ahead Abe what were you going to say?” John asked insistently.
“Well, what if she did have something serious..? What would happen to the baby…I mean wouldn’t they have to…” Abe paused and John filled the space.
Knowing exactly where his friend was headed with his inquiry, his jaw dropped open in horror. John stopped dead in his tracks, and finished the thought, “Oh my God, you’re saying that maybe she has…c..cancer and didn’t tell me because I would have wanted her to have an abortion so she could get treatment!” John was becoming more frightened by the minute and he spoke rapidly as the anxiety increased, running his fingers through his hair, “She loves this baby so much already and she has told me before, Abe…. we… we saw this news report…about a woman who.. contracted some form of leukemia in the early part of pregnancy. Oh… man.. we….talked about this one night, more than once actually, and she said if anything like that ever happened to her, she would save the baby before herself.”
He started pacing again, trying to fit his recollection together with what was happening currently. Fearful adrenaline surged powerfully throughout his system as he shared his conclusions, “Oh my God, Abe! I never thought it would happen to us! I reacted pretty strongly and I told her that if it were up to me, I would save her without thinking twice….not the baby. Abe, she…knew how I would feel about it, how I would react, so she kept it from me. She was going to wait until it was too late for an abortion and then tell me about it!” John’s mind scrambled to make sense of so many confusing conversations, so many moments when he was concerned for her, when she seemed preoccupied about something and covered it well for his benefit. “She kept saying she didn’t want anything to take away my happiness about the baby and I thought she meant she was worried about the risky pregnancy. Oh…Abe.it all fits, why Mike practically runs whenever he sees me now, the way she’s been acting, why she stares off into space sometimes and then says it’s nothing. Oh God, maybe it’s true!! Oh my God!” John was trembling inside, beside himself with fear, his mind reeling from the somewhat plausible scenario he was picturing. His best friend, not knowing what to think, was concerned for both John and Marlena.
Abe understood his buddy’s alarmed reaction, but wanted to help him stay calm. Putting a hand on John’s shoulder he encouraged his friend to be rational, “John, listen to me….you can’t go jumping to conclusions. You have to find out the truth before you run around getting everybody upset. What do you think would happen if you ask Marlena directly about it?”
Still pacing back and forth in front of his best friend, he said, “The same thing she’s been doing, deny that anything is wrong and try to pacify me with some explanation about the pregnancy being more complicated since she’s older. I know it’s more than that and if she won’t tell me I’m going to force it out of Mike or Sarah. If her life is at stake I have a right to know, damn it! This affects my life too! I won’t…lose her to this! I can’t go through it all over again, Abe. Izzy B died in my arms and left me with a newborn baby to raise. I love this baby very much, but I don’t want it if it means losing Doc! Forgive me for saying that, but I..can’t…lose her!!” John spoke with great intensity and prepared to leave the scene.
Putting a restraining hand on his John’s arm as he took a step toward the stairs, Abe said, “Hey, I understand, buddy but you have to try to calm down and approach this rationally, John. If you go storming around you’re not going to do anything but upset everybody and that isn’t what you want, is it?”
John started moving again, trying to steady himself emotionally. Running his hands absently though his hair he said, “No, it isn’t, but… I’m scared, Abe, so scared about this.. My gut has been telling me that something serious was going on with Marlena and my head was telling me to ignore the signs because I didn’t want to believe it. Now, it’s getting a heck of a lot harder to do that. Shutting his eyes, he forced the fear down and said determinedly, “I.. have to know the truth and soon. If she *is* sick, the longer there’s a delay in getting treatment, the worse things get for her.”
Abe understood, but nevertheless, he believed John had to get some perspective on it before going to Marlena with his concerns. “John, I know this has you shaken up, bit please tread lightly for her sake. This has to be tearing her up, thinking about what the future holds… maybe getting prepared to give up her life for your child… knowing how hurt and upset you’ll be when you learn the truth. Abe prayed silently that John would find it within himself to imagine how his wife was feeling and go in softly.
The calming logical words slowly began to penetrate the fear and John listened intently, realizing his friend was absolutely right, he needed to at least try to understand Marlena’s perspective, no matter how it made him feel. “Oh man… , I was focused on my fear of losing her… and not about how scared and lonely she must feel.. how it must be killing her to keep whatever it is to herself, trying to seem happy about the baby all the time… Thanks Abe, for making me think about her side of it…” John said with a sigh.
Abe smiled warmly and patted his buddy’s right arm, “Any time partner. Now, go talk to your wife and find out what is really going on with her. If you approach her gently, maybe she’ll open up and tell you the truth, John.”
Nodding his head, John was already on his way as he answered, “Yea… maybe she will.. See you later, Abe. I’ll let you know what I can about this thing as soon as possible.” Anxious to see her, John raced off to the Jeep and drove home as quickly as he could go while managing to stay somewhere in the general vicinity of the speed limit.
When John arrived at the house, Marlena was nowhere to be seen and Belle was crying. Brady was trying to calm her down. John ran toward the sounds and found Marlena collapsed on the kitchen floor. She was unconscious and he knelt down and found her pulse. It was weak, but at least it was there; her breathing looked generally normal, but her temperature was high, her skin clammy. He picked her up carefully and took her out to the Jeep, telling the children to come with him and they obeyed instantly, sensing his fear and the urgency of the situation. He was able to get Marlena on the front seat leaning her against some pillows and then put the kids into their car seats. Within a few more seconds they were on the way to the hospital.
John called ahead to the hospital with his cell phone, alerting both Sarah Bader and Mike Horton of what was happening so that when he arrived both doctors met him at the emergency room entrance. After she was placed on a gurney and wheeled into an examination room the young doctor asked, “John, what happened?”
“I don’t know for sure, I came home to find her lying on the kitchen floor and Belle was crying hysterically for Doc to wake up. I brought her right over here!”
“Okay, we’ll let you know when we know something, alright?” Mike said it as he turned to go on into the room to see Marlena, but John held his arm to stop him from walking away.
“Mike, I..know something else is going on besides the pregnancy, please tell me what it is!” John was pleading, but Mike would never violate patient confidentiality. I..need to get in there with her, John. We’ll have to talk later, I’m sorry about that.”
“Yea, sure Mike.” He seemed calm and then suddenly fear surged through his body and he threatened, “Look, I’m going to find out sooner or later. If I have to tear medical records apart, I’m going to figure out what is going on around here!”
Mike stared his patient’s husband down, suddenly on the defensive himself. The tension of hiding the truth was wearing on him. “John, patients have a right to privacy and confidentiality, even if it means keeping things from loved ones. Unless she wants me to tell you, I can’t violate…no I won’t violate that right, not for you, not for anyone! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a patient to treat.” Mike turned away quickly from an incredulous John who just stood there with a bewildered expression on his face.
After recovering from the initial shock that something might be terribly wrong with Marlena and the baby, John called Caroline and Shawn who came straight to the hospital, planning to stay for awhile to support the man they loved as a son before taking the children home with them for the night. The older couple watched worriedly as John paced up and down the hallways near the room. He was so quiet and then suddenly he expressed his frustration with waiting, “I want to know what’s happening, why don’t they come out and tell us something, Pop?”
Putting his hand on his *son’s* shoulder, the Brady patriarch urged his charge to remain as calm, “John, I know this is rough, but you have to be strong and believe it’s going to be all right, son. You know they’ll come out and talk to us when they have some idea of what’s happening.”
“I’m trying, Shawn, but I can’t shake the idea that there is something very wrong with Marlena right now that nobody has bothered to tell me about before tonight!”
Caroline spoke up, alarmed by the expression on his face and the sound of fear and betrayal in his voice, “John, what are you saying? You mean something more than a fragile pregnancy?”
He nodded, blew out a long tired sigh and replied quietly, hating to voice it again, “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. I suspect that Dr. Bader, Mike and Marlena are hiding something from me about Marlena’s condition and I’m…..worried.”
“John, what do you think it is? What are you afraid of, honey?” Caroline’s voice was so tender and he wanted to let her hold him, but he resisted being so vulnerable and took a step away from her so it wouldn’t happen.
“Oh, Caroline, I’m starting to think maybe she…. has.. cancer or something serious like that. She seems so sick and way too tired and weak for just a pregnancy and now tonight… she collapses. Mike avoids me whenever I come here lately, and we just.. had an argument about patient confidentiality.”
“John, I had no idea Marlena was having difficulties like that. She has downplayed the whole thing with us when we’ve seen her. Oh, honey if that’s it.. how are you going to…” Caroline stopped right there. She couldn’t allow herself to think that far and it wouldn’t help anyone for her to voice what they all wondered, how it was that John could handle it again after having watched helplessly as Isabella died of pancreatic cancer several years earlier. “Oh, John let’s pray that you’re totally wrong about this,” was what she said instead and he was thankful. It hurt too much to dwell on the possibility for more than a second or two.
“Yea, I’d love to be wrong this time.” John dropped his head, feeling intense fear and then almost in desperation tossed out a silent prayer. ‘Dear God, please let her and our baby be okay. I just couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her now. Please take care of her, Lord. Please keep Doc safe and healthy for decades to come.’
A Couple’s Worst Nightmare
After what seemed like an eternity, Mike Horton and Dr. Bader came out of the room where Marlena was being examined. John rushed forward, practically pouncing on them both, bombarding them with questions, “How is she? Is the baby okay? What else is going on? Can I see her now?”
Mike put a hand on John’s shoulder and said, “Woah, slow down, John. We’ll answer your questions as best we can, but you are going to need to calm down a little, okay?”
John shut his eyes briefly, making a conscious effort to steady his breathing and quiet the swell of emotion that had been building over the past hour or so. After taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he nodded and said more calmly, “Allright, I can handle it now, go ahead and tell me what’s going on with Marlena, please.”
“Okay, John. The baby….is hanging in there right now, but it is definitely touch and go and Marlena is going to have to be very careful from here on out. She should be getting lots of rest, lots of time off her feet. And you need to do whatever you can to reduce the amount of stress in your life together. If you do that, the baby has a fighting chance of going to full term for you.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, he said agreeably, “Okay, we can handle that, but I am also concerned about Marlena’s condition beyond the pregnancy. I’m certain there is more happening with her than a fragile pregnancy and I want to know what it is, please tell me!” he said strongly.
The two doctors stole anxious glances at each other, as if to say, ‘Here we go.’ As the others who loved the couple gathered around them, also wanting to hear that answer, Dr. Bader made a nonverbal signal to her colleague. Her gesture told him that she had decided to take the flack since Mike had made mention of the heated exchange with John earlier in the evening. “John, what happened tonight is related to the pregnancy; her blood pressure is up and there are some problems with her blood sugar that we’re working on at the moment. We’re also watching her hormone levels very closely. But, if there is something else happening with Marlena she will have to tell you about it because we cannot violate any patient’s expressed wishes. She has asked us not to divulge any details other than about the pregnancy and her general condition to you or anyone else… and she has that right.”
John felt angry and betrayed by people he trusted, and in his distraught state of mind was not able to see the issue from their perspective, or Marlena’s for that matter. “Damn it! This is my WIFE you are talking about!” he reminded them, pointing toward the room in which she was being examined. “I have reason to believe that her life is at stake here and you mean to tell me you can’t tell me what’s wrong with her?” He waited long enough for them to respond and then when they didn’t say anything more, he shouted at them, “To hell with you then, both of you!!” John stormed off and went for a walk to cool down, not wanting to cause Marlena undue stress because of his worried frustration and anger.
“Well, that sure went smoothly, didn’t it, Mike?” said Dr. Bader sarcastically as she watched John barrelling down the hallway. Taking Mike’s arm to guide him toward an alcove, she signaled the family that they needed a moment to consult and the group moved several steps away.
Nodding his head, Mike said after a empathetic sigh, “Yes, just about like I expected. He is really shaken up about this. I think he knows she’s sick with something serious and he’s been through this before. It’s probably bringing back some very painful memories of losing Isabella and he’s frightened he’s going to lose Marlena in the same way, and rightly so.
Remembering conversations with John before the death and with Marlena since then, Sarah said with understanding, “I hate this Mike, I really do, but our hands are tied. We can’t tell him anything if she doesn’t want us to do so. I won’t violate her confidentiality, no matter how angry and threatening he becomes. I feel very strongly about those rights, even if I think she’s totally wrong to have chosen this route.”
“So do I, but I feel very bad for him; he went through hell losing Isabella and I think he’s afraid it’s going to happen again without him knowing what’s going on until it’s too late for her to get treatment.”
Dr. Bader agreed, “I hate keeping the truth from him and I wish there were some way to convince Marlena to change her mind about keeping the baby. I just haven’t found the right way to persuade her to pursue treatment instead.”
Mike sighed with exasperation and said, “Yes, me too, but don’t count on that happening. Once Marlena decides on a course of action she is just about the hardest person on earth to convince otherwise, about whatever it might be.”
“Yes, I’ve picked up on that tendency of hers,” said Dr. Bader with a nod and weak smile on her face. “Listen, I’ll see you after awhile, I have some other patients up in labor and delivery to check on and then I’ll be back down to see Marlena when I’m finished.”
Mike only nodded and went back to talk to the group of family members and friends that had gathered around Marlena’s room. He feared it was going to be one long night for all of them as he guessed that John was not planning to leave until he learned the whole truth about Marlena’s condition. The distraught husband would push until he got what he felt he was entitled to, and that could cause major problems for Marlena, and possibly for the baby she was carrying as well.
John wandered around near the hospital entrance for quite awhile, trying to figure out what he should do next. It was obvious that the doctors were not going to reveal anything, but their reaction told him there was definitely something else happening with Marlena’s health. That much could be gleaned from looking at Mike’s face, staring into his eyes. The man couldn’t quite meet his gaze and John knew that meant Marlena was seriously ill, but Mike and the other physician had been asked by Marlena not to tell anyone, including John.
‘Why, Doc? Why would you want to keep all that pain inside and hide it from me? We were supposed to trust each other completely and you couldn’t tell me about something so important to both of us? How could you do that Doc?’ He knew it was all because of her desire to give life to their child, but he couldn’t bear to think of losing her in favor of a child that was only a fetus at this point. Somehow it wasn’t real, and yet…he loved the baby. It was a child formed by their love, not expected, not planned, but still so important for both of them. They had both been slightly shocked and then shortly thereafter, overjoyed to have the chance to share a pregnancy together like they hadn’t been able to do with Belle. He remembered the moment when it really hit them both, the joy they felt, the dazzling smile on Marlena’s face after her initial hesitance to tell anyone… and then there was Belle and Brady’s reaction. They were both completely thrilled to learn they would have another baby in the house. Belle was so excited about the prospects of holding and feeding a bottle to the baby like she did with her dollies and Brady said he would help with getting the diaper bag when Marlena needed to change the baby and he was eager to push the stroller when they went on walks. It was as if their love had come full circle and they would have three children to raise with the last one binding them all as family in a very special way.
But now… to think that in order to have that baby Marlena’s life could somehow be at risk…. John had to know for sure and then he could decide how he felt and try to understand Marlena’s perspective. Once he was informed of exactly what was going on, they could make a decision… together, he hoped.
After spending a few more minutes outside to calm himself down, John headed back inside to see the woman he loved. Slowly, he approached the room where Marlena had been examined, pausing by the door. He looked in to see her clutching her belly in a protective hold, as if by wrapping her hands around it she could keep herself from losing their child. It nearly broke his heart to see her so worried and frightened. He took a deep breath and entered the room, pasting an encouraging smile on his face and he said as he walked in, “Hey, Doc good to see you’re awake, how are you feeling honey?”
She sighed and fought back tears for what seemed like the thousandth time since she learned about the pregnancy and…the other…news as well. Looking up, but not quite at him, she answered nervously, “I’m okay, a little shaky I guess…but they tell me the baby is okay. That’s good news, isn’t it honey?” she asked, wondering if he suspected anything.
He tried to hide his feelings about that, a part of him wished… ‘No, John you don’t even know what the truth is yet, don’t think that way.’ Leaning in to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, he responded as positively as he could under the circumstances, “Yes, that’s wonderful news, Marlena. I’m…. glad about it too.” His voice was subdued and she knew that he realized something more was going on; she would have to tell him the truth soon. Their bond was growing stronger now since the wedding and they were beginning to read each other’s thoughts and moods again.
Ignoring it for the moment, she said sweetly, “John …thank you for bringing me in so quickly, you may have saved me and the baby…. my blood pressure was up and my blood sugar was dangerously off.”
There was a fearful intensity to his voice as he sat down, took her left hand in both of his and responded, “Marlena, I was so…scared when I found you on the kitchen floor. I couldn’t bear it if… anything ever happened to you, Doc. I love you so much, you are…everything to me, you know that. I…I would be totally lost without you, Marlena.”
She knew where he was leading and though he was being honest he was also telling her he needed to know what was happening; he wanted her to tell him the whole story. “John, don’t say that. You are a strong, independent man and you would be just fine if we weren’t… together for whatever reason. ” Marlena desperately wanted to avoid the discussion that she knew was to come and worked her brain for some way out, but didn’t find it. Shaking his head, John took her hands and looked fearfully into her eyes, saying passionately, “No, I’m not, Doc. I’m not strong. Your love makes me strong, baby!” John could tell she was going to be resistant to telling him the truth, but he was bound and determined to get it out of her. There was no way he would lose her… she had to tell him, she just had to! “Marlena, listen to me… I know that something is seriously wrong with you, and it’s not just because of a fragile pregnancy. I’ve… sensed it for weeks and I want you to tell me what it is.” Marlena turned away form him, trying to maintain her strong façade, but she felt it weakening under the pressure of his anguished concern. They had been through similar conversations several times now and each time he was more upset and scared for her. She could tell he was reaching his breaking point, and if she were being honest about it, so was she. This was to be the time and yet… how could she tell him? He would try to make her change her mind and she couldn’t do that, no matter how frightened she was, and no matter how strongly he reacted. Therefore, she made one last attempt to deny his assertions. Putting on the familiar mask of reassurance, she said without looking at him, “Oh, John… you’re making too much out of the fatigue and the aches and pains I’ve had, everything is fine…except I’m a little too old to be having another baby, and it’s wearing on me. Stop fussing over me, honey, and try to enjoy the fact that you’re going to have the chance to go through the whole pregnancy with me this time,” she finished, patting his hand.
John sensed she was covering her true feelings; he knew that she was afraid when he looked down and saw that one fist was in a tight little clench. He reached out and took the hand, showing it to her, and their eyes met for a brief encounter.
In that moment he knew it was true; something was terribly wrong. “Marlena, you’re scared and I want to know why and I want to know now!! I… KNOW something else is wrong with you, so stop denying it. You’re.. sick and I want you to tell me about it and explain why you’ve been keeping it from me!!”
His firm pressure on her hand hurt slightly. Accepting the fact that he wouldn’t allow her to skirt the issue this time, she decided to tell him, regardless of the painful consequences she imagined would result from her revelation. “John, please let go of my hand and I’ll think about telling you what is happening with me.”
He was instantly remorseful and released her hand swiftly, “I’m… sorry, really. I didn’t realize I was holding you so tightly, but Doc I’m …just so scared about whatever this is, please tell me what’s wrong. I love you and I want to be there for you. Let me in, Doc!”
“Allright, allright… I’ll tell you, John.” She sighed wearily and mentally prepared herself for what was going to be an extremely difficult discussion, as he sat on the edge of the bed. “You’re right, there is more to it than the pregnancy it’s.. Oh, John I don’t know how to say this, honey..” she said hesitantly.
John was really worried now…”What is it, Doc, just tell me?” he asked, knowing in his heart what it was, yet still hoping to be wrong.
She took his hands in hers and just put it out there, “John it’s… cancer, I have breast cancer.”
The silence that followed was all consuming in its power over him, and the shock reverberated throughout his body like an electrical current, then flowed outward, enveloping the room. John was so stunned that he lost awareness of everything around him and slipped off the edge of the bed. To think about it, to conjecture about what could be wrong was one thing, but to hear it come from her mouth so plainly was another matter entirely. Struggling to stand on trembling legs, he reacted powerfully, “Oh God, No! NO! It can’t be true, Doc!” Shock waves washed over him, their awesome power nearly knocking him to the floor again, and denial was a very strong protective defense mechanism. Those were the first two reactions to kick in. Nevertheless, as John managed to make it to a chair to sit, he stared into her face, into those mournful tear-filled eyes he had admired a million times, and he knew beyond all doubt that it was true. He had to face it, and yet.. how could he? Shaking his head, he cried out disbelievingly, “Oh..no.. no.. No, Marlena, not you! Oh my God, this can’t be happening, this just can’t be happening again!!” John put both hands to his head as if that act could force the truth from his mind. The intense fear that rushed into his heart and coursed through every vein in his body was crushing. For several seconds he just sat there shaking his head and muttering various nearly incoherent phrases of denial and disbelief.
A Couple’s Worst Nightmare
John was frantic, overcome with a sense of utter panic in response to the grim reality of their plight, getting up and pacing around the room for a several long moments before it hit him that he hadn’t comforted Marlena yet. Images from the past flashed through his mind in rapid-fire style: the day Isabella told him she had incurable cancer, his staunch denial that she was going to die; times when she was in excruciating pain, but trying to hide it for his benefit; his desperate futile attempts to find a specialist who could help her, and finally the last days in Italy, finding her lying on the bed burning up with fever. Lastly, there was the memory of holding her in his arms as she died, her life energy slowly fading, her hand falling away from his body. As that pain was made fresh in his recollections, the fear of losing Marlena in a similar way seized his heart, mind and soul and as tears began to flow, he found himself barely able to remain standing. Shaking his head to deny it once more, he cried out in terror, “Oh, my God.. No! NO! Not you, Doc!! Not you too!”
Knowing he was vividly remembering his heartbreaking experience with losing Isabella, Marlena watched him in sheer agony. Seeing the reflection of her own fears in his eyes, his face, his whole body, was overwhelming to her and she began to weep softly. Having to hide her own emotions about the cancer had taken its toll and the freedom to express it resulted in a tremendous release of tears. “Oh, John! I’m so afraid! Hold me, John.. please hold me!” she sobbed, feeling the need for the strength and warm comfort of his arms around her suddenly chilled body.
Finally, it dawned on him that he was thinking only of his own fears and not hers. Forcing down the painful memories, laboring to slow his breathing and stem the flow of tears that wanted to fall, he then sat back down on the bed, taking her very gently in his arms. Speaking with only a little more control, he apologized for his lapse in consideration of her needs, “Oh, Doc.. I’m sorry..I’m so sorry! I should be focusing on you, not myself. How do you feel? Is there anything I can do for you?” As he cried and tenderly caressed the delicate skin of her beautiful face, he added one more anxious question, “Marlena… can you please explain to me why you didn’t tell me this sooner?”
She could see that he was struggling intensely just to sit still and listen to her, so with deliberate calmness she wiped away some of her tears and answered, “It’s okay.. I know this is quite a shock for you, honey. I feel fine and no I don’t need anything. And about why… I think you know the answer to that, John. I knew what you would say to me about…the baby. We talked about this once when there was a news show about this very thing happening to another couple. Do you remember what you said, John? I do.”
John wanted to deny that too, but he couldn’t. He realized that she hadn’t forgotten their rather intense discussion while viewing the television program. He quietly but reluctantly admitted the truth of his comments about it, “Yes, I remember. I said I would sacrifice the baby’s life for yours.. without even thinking twice about it. But, Doc…”
Marlena interrupted him forcefully, “But, nothing, John. You would have told me to have an abortion so that I could pursue treatment and you know how I feel about that.” Cradling her belly, she said firmly, “I could never do that; this is a life, John, a precious life created from our love! Can you really ask me to take that life and just…. throw it away in exchange for my own?” she said, forcing him to confront the reality of their situation.
He answered without hesitation as he took her more firmly in his arms. Staring into her moist eyes which reflected back his pain, he said with great intensity, “Yes, YES I can! Because you are my wife and the mother to several other children who need you! Marlena, I love you and I need you! I need you here with me to help me raise them.” He switched directions a little, pushing down the myriad of painful emotions that screamed inside him, to ask her a vital question, “If.. you… forgo treatment until after this baby is born, what are the prospects for you? Tell me that!” he demanded.
She looked away again and tears started to flow from her eyes, and he knew the answer to that question too. “Marlena are you saying that you could…” He couldn’t bear to say the word, that made it seem too real. “..if you don’t get treatment…you might not… ” He stopped again and then pleaded with her to refute his partial statements, “Oh, please tell me I’m wrong about this!”
Quietly, she told him what his eyes begged her not to say, “No, John, you’re not wrong. They told me that I have an invasive, aggressive type of cancer. I’m in trouble if I don’t get treatment… soon.” Tears began to fall from their eyes, as she informed him of the most recent prognosis, “Oh, honey they think my…. chances are about 50/50 of making the five year survival rate if I go nine months before starting treatment, but they’re really just guessing because they didn’t take any lymph nodes.” Trying to make it sound more hopeful for both of them she added, “The margins were clear though… and there wasn’t any clear evidence of metastasis in the blood work they ran. That was the good news, John.”
“Oh… Doc.. this is all so.. unreal!” he cried. When Marlena finally brought herself to look directly at him again, she saw that he was crying and shaking his head, not really even able to hear or absorb the details. Imagining how desperately he wanted to avoid the harsh reality of their situation, she took his hand and held it to her belly for a moment, saying softly, but with conviction, ” I’m sorry, John… I’ve made my decision. I’m going to have this baby, our baby.”
Though his wife was obviously terrified, she said it with such strength and courage that he had to admire her, and he believed he would not change her mind. He was compelled to try anyway. John was literally in hell on earth. It was as if he had been transported back in time.. it was what happened with Isabella all over again. The woman he loved was..sick, possibly dying and he was helpless, totally and completely helpless to do anything about her suffering or save her life. He reacted out of that mortified place and got quite loud as he confronted her, “YOUR DECISION! Why is it YOUR decision? Don’t I get a say in this? After all, I am just the father of this child and your husband, and the father to two of your other children, all of whom you will leave alone if you…die. Doc, how could you leave me out of a decision like this? How could you lie to me.. after what has happened in the past? We promised not to keep any secrets!!” He was shouting at her by the time he finished and she shrank from his intensity.
Marlena recovered quickly and spoke with conviction, even as her voice wavered slightly and tears flowed from her eyes, “Because… it is ultimately my choice, John. It is my body, my cancer, my baby to carry or abort as the case may be and I knew what you would say about it. I couldn’t allow you to bully me into making the choice you wanted, I needed time to decide for myself what I wanted to do, what was right for me!”
He was so afraid and the reminders of losing Isabella, watching her waste away and suffer tremendous pain that he couldn’t help her with drove him to speak out rashly at Marlena. “So, you’ve decided to keep the baby.. great! Well, just when were you planning to tell me.. on your death bed as you handed me the child for a diaper change? Oh by the way, John, I’m dying of cancer, it’s been good to know you!” he finished with bitter sarcasm.
That hurt her terribly, and she fired back angrily, “John! Don’t you speak to me that way! I was doing the best that I knew how to do and I have a right to privacy to make my decisions. I know this is…very painful for you, but please try to understand how I feel. I…can’t kill our baby, John.” Suddenly, it occurred to her to confront her husband with a dilemma that might make it seem more real to him, “Would you have wanted to give up Brady to save Isabella?”
He shut his eyes tightly as the memories were called up once more, and it felt like he was back in that agonizing place. Talking about the past made the possibility of going through it again seem even more real and he didn’t want to relive the pain, but he knew there was no choice. “That’s not fair, Doc! Of course not, but that situation was completely different because she got sick afterward. You are sick with a curable form of cancer, and we can do something about it if you agree to the abortion and start treatment now. The chances are probably good if you do that, right?” he asked anxiously, imploring her to see it his way.
She hated to give him the answer to that question too, for he would only argue even more vehemently with her. However, it was too late to turn back now; he was going to get the whole truth, no matter what pain it caused, no matter what strain it brought to their relationship. “Yes, the chances are excellent for a full recovery if I abort the baby now and start the treatment right away, but I’m not going to do that, John. I have made up my mind about this and you can’t make me change it, no matter what you say to me!”
She was resolute and he knew it, but he was prepared to pull out all the stops to win this battle. It was literally a fight for her life and he would do *anything* to win. With the ostensibly ceaseless tears in his eyes, he made an impassioned plea born of his overwhelming fear of losing her, “No, don’t say that, Marlena! We can have another baby.. We can try again when you’re well, I promise. Please let it go, Doc!” He reached out to take her hands again, bringing them to his lips, kissing them softly as he spoke. “I love you so much.. and I need you.. here with me.”
The part of her that recalled the agonizing grief he suffered when Isabella died wished she could find a way to please him, but at the same time she recognized that she couldn’t allow herself to give in to his fear, or her own for that matter. Shaking her head, Marlena stood firm in her decision, even in the face of his desolate tears, “No, John… I will not kill our child, you won’t change my mind on this!”
John couldn’t remember ever feeling more desperate, more afraid, more helpless or hopeless in his entire life. His lips quivered and his voice trembled with labored breaths as he kept trying to convince her, “Marlena.. this …affects me.. too! Oh, Doc you… know.. what it did to me to lose Izzy B, you saw what I was like afterward! I… wouldn’t have survived that… loss if it weren’t for you.. because you loved me and I still loved and needed you so desperately. Now… think what… losing you to.. cancer… watching you… die before my eyes… helpless to do anything for you.. just like I was then. Can you imagine what that would do to me, Marlena? How can you… choose this?” he asked weeping steadily, beseeching her to capitulate to his wishes.
She couldn’t ignore his extreme, fearful anguish, but she couldn’t let it sway her either. Imitating his motion, she took his hands in hers and brought them to her lips briefly, then spoke with conviction in answering his desperate questions, as her own tears flowed for both of them, “Oh, John… honey.. I know… that’s what makes this so hard! I do remember and I don’t want you to suffer like that again, but I’m sorry, I can’t let my love and concern for you make me change my decision. I can choose this because the life of the child growing inside of me is just as precious as Belle and Brady and Sami, Eric and Carrie.. and I….cannot believe it would be right for me to sacrifice this baby’s life for mine.” Touching his flushed moist cheeks with tenderness, she continued to share her heartfelt convictions, “John, honey.. listen to me.. I have lived a good life and I…finally got to have my dream of marrying you, of sharing our love again. I have been so… blessed, John, and now it’s time for me to let this new life have a chance too.” She took John’s trembling right hand in hers and put it on her slightly swollen belly, imploring him to understand, “Feel this little mound, John… this is a life growing inside of me, a life created because of the incredible bond of love we share, and I cannot imagine ending this life, even to save my own and to please you. I’m so sorry John!” Marlena was weeping powerfully for him and for herself. She was afraid too, but she was determined not to let that fear stop her.
John was resistant to feel it and snatched his hand away; he didn’t want to care about it, not if it meant losing his beloved wife. Nothing was worth that unbearable, unimaginable pain. He pulled away from her, and responded with agitated trepidation and resentment, “No, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to care about this baby, I don’t want it if it means losing you, Doc! I want YOU! I NEED YOU in my life! Marlena, we just got married, we’ve just begun to share that dream and… now to lose you… Oh God, Marlena, don’t you understand.. I can’t go through this again! Tell me you’ll change your mind, for me! PLEASE, DOC!!!” He got down on one knee to plead with her, he would do anything to get her to change her mind and agree to an abortion. Tears streaming untouched down his cheeks, his hands folded in front of him as if he were bowing down to God, he begged her one last time, “Please change your mind for me, Marlena, please! PLEASE!!”
She hated to see him suffer such excruciating, fearful sadness and she did remember how completely devastated he was when Isabella died, but she couldn’t let it overpower her belief in preserving the life that was developing within her body. Crying her own river of tears, she shook her head and said quietly, “No, John. I am not going to change my mind, I’m so…sorry, honey, but my mind is made up about this, I’m keeping our baby and taking the risk that I can still beat the cancer after this child is born.”
John was hurt, angry and so very frightened of losing her as all the memories of Isabella had come rushing back in the instant that she said the word cancer. He simply had to try once more, but he was too upset to think straight and lashed out as he stood up and stared at her, “You CAN’T DO THIS, DOC! You can’t just leave me alone to raise three children! How can you justify abandoning me and your other children for a..a…FETUS! for some.. thing that isn’t even a real person yet!”
That remark hurt her deeply, and she didn’t want to discuss it any more or deal with his intense distress any longer; it might jeopardize the baby. “Oh, John.. that is a terrible thing to say to me! Get out of here and leave me alone! Get out, NOW!!”
He was immediately regretful and full of sorrow. While making a move to hold her, he attempted to apologize, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t really mean that, I’m just so afraid of losing you, Marlena!”
She pushed him away and feeling very hurt by his outright rejection of the child she already cherished as much as her other offspring, said soberly, “Yes, you did mean it, John! You would say or do anything that you thought would make me change my mind about this! Now, get OUT!!” Knowing there was nothing more to be said, John nodded and looked at her forlornly. He hung his head in despair and silently complied with her wishes as Mike Horton and Dr. Bader returned, giving him the nonverbal message that he should indeed leave because he was causing her too much stress.
Dr. Bader put a comforting hand on his shoulder and then gently reminded him, “John, please remember not to say anything about this to anyone, Marlena doesn’t want anyone else to know yet.”
With tears still flowing, he nodded in response and took one last glance back at her weeping, trembling form, whispering to her, “I’m sorry I upset you, Marlena. I love you.” She wanted to look at him, but was afraid she might give in if she saw the abject agony in those deep blue eyes, the same eyes that had danced with delight that first day he learned of the pregnancy. A dream come true had just become this couple’s worst nightmare.
The Ultimate Dilemma
John staggered out into the corridor, holding onto the doorframe to steady himself. He was essentially still in shock, not able to think clearly at all. Caroline and Shawn Brady, who had decided after Carrie volunteered to watch the children that they should be there to support their *son,* knew immediately that he had learned something devastating from looking at his ashen pallor. “John, honey.. what is it? What’s wrong, son ?” they asked in rapid succession.
He started to tell them; his mind was so overwhelmed by powerful emotions, and having forgotten already what he was told by the doctor, John started to say, “She…. she…” He stopped, suddenly remembering, “Oh, I…can’t, I can’t tell you,” he said with a profoundly sad, yet slightly stunned expression.
Shawn guided him to sit down before he fell down. John was still and silent for a long while, his hands planted on his knees, his eyes blankly fixed on the floor at his feet, and his friends sat quietly with him, waiting until he was ready to speak. Finally, he seemed to be focused on external reality and he raised his head slightly, his eyelids blinked rapidly, and he said hesitantly through quivering lips, “Marlena… doesn’t want.. anyone to know what’s happening and I…can’t violate her wishes, I’m.. sorry about that.” Then with a very strange mixed expression on his face, he added rather flatly, “I can say that the baby is hanging in there right now and Marlena is… we’re… happy about that. Well, I.. better go now….thanks for being here to support us, everybody.” John forced himself to stand, preparing to leave, but his legs were still feeling weak and it was quite a struggle, so he sat back down to gather strength for another effort.
Touching him on the upper arm, Laura spoke softly, “John, you’re very upset about something, that much is obvious and we want to help you with it. Can’t you tell us anything?” asked Laura out of concern for both of them.
Shaking his head disconsolately, he said, “No, if Marlena wants you to know it’s up to her to tell you, I’m sorry but that’s the way she wanted it. She didn’t tell me either until I pushed her to, just now.” Looking forlornly at all of their friends and family he added one last comment.” I really…. have to.. go now, thanks again,” he said hastily as he stood quickly and hurried out of the area, winning the battle to remain upright this time. The pain was encroaching swiftly and John knew that if he didn’t leave he would break down and tell them what was happening, and if he did that she might not forgive him for a long time, if ever.
Abe, Lexie, Laura, Shawn and Caroline stood there watching him go, wondering what it could be that was so upsetting, knowing it had to be very serious. “Do you think he’s going to be all right to leave here by himself?” asked Caroline worriedly.
“No, I don’t think so,” said, Laura immediately, shaking her head. She was relying on her clinical judgement; John was very distraught and wouldn’t be safe to drive. “He shouldn’t be alone in that state of mind, and I definitely don’t think he should drive himself home.”
The group was silent for a moment, and Caroline shared her observation about the man she loved as a third son, “I haven’t seen him that… upset since…” she paused, and then added quietly, in horror, reminded of his worried words from earlier in the evening, “Oh… no, it can’t be.”
“Since Isabella was.. dying,” finished Abe and Shawn simultaneously, having drawn the same conclusion.
Remembering the talk on the pier earlier that day, Abe volunteered to follow his best friend, “I’ll go after him.” He was very worried about both of his friends, running down the hall to catch up with John before he made it to the car. As Abe made his way through the corridors of the hospital, he heard some nurses talking about someone who was upset and crying and went up to see the babies. For some unknown reason, he sensed that it was John. Abe rode the elevator up two floors, took a right turn and went straight to the viewing window. Sure enough, there was John with his right hand on the glass, weeping quietly and staring in at the tiny little people who had joined the world in the past few days.
Abe approached slowly and then put a hand on his friend’s back as he asked quietly, “Hey, buddy what are you doing up here?”
“I don’t know… just wanted to see them, I guess.” He didn’t elaborate further and went back to staring through the glass at the newborns.
Sensing that he needed to give John time to decide whether he wanted to talk, Abe only said, “They are pretty special, aren’t they ?”
“Yea, I remember when John, J….” He stopped and shut his eyes; sometimes it felt like his heart would never truly heal from all the losses he had endured. He felt the pain of that one again for a second and laboring to rid himself of the baby’s image, but not completely successful in his endeavor, he spoke anyway. With a strange cross between a smile and a frown he asked rhetorically, ” Bad example, huh?” Sighing with weariness beyond his years, he started over, “Well, anyway, I remember when Belle and Brady were born, as if it were yesterday and…even though they weren’t born here, they were in these little beds for a day or so.” Starting to cry, he said, “I love looking at babies, it gives me hope… you know… to see new life.”
Abe wasn’t putting the pieces together quite yet and was confused. “John, what’s going on? You’re hurting so badly, I can see the pain in your eyes… please tell me.”
Agonizing over what to do, needing to talk, but knowing he shouldn’t violate her wishes, John did battle in his mind. “I..can’t, Abe!” he cried desperately.
“John, she would want you to have someone to talk to about this, you know she would,” he encouraged, putting a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder.
“But the doctor’s said not to, Abe. I don’t want to betray her wishes. I don’t want to upset her any more than I already have. If she finds out I told, she might..” John stopped short again, feeling confused and scared. Sitting down on a nearby bench, holding his head in his hands, the anguish he was in was so obvious that Abe could literally feel the man’s need to talk about the pain he was experiencing. “Oh, Abe, I don’t know what to do!” he cried.
Abe was insistent, “John, I think you should tell me, I won’t tell anyone else, I promise you that, but you need to talk about this!”
“You’re right, I do, Abe. It’s tearing me apart!” Hesitating a moment longer, still feeling bad about breaking her confidence, he stammered through the tears, “She… she….has.. c..cancer, Abe. Marlena has breast cancer. It’s just like we thought; she didn’t tell me because of the baby. She decided to keep it and wait to pursue treatment.” By the time he finished, John was weeping openly, feeling so frightened and so completely helpless to change the situation.
“But, John if she does that, she could….” Abe started to share his conclusion, but realized it wouldn’t help and that it was already painfully obvious to his best friend.
All John could do was nod his head and cry harder. His friend was stunned too, then impulsively pulled him into a hug and said, “Oh, John, this is so unbelievable, I’m so sorry! Lexie and I….we’ll be here for both of you.”
John couldn’t talk anymore, and he allowed his buddy to comfort him, this was too much pain to force down for masculinity’s sake. “Oh, God, Abe… how can this be happening again?” he finally managed to ask through his tears. “What if I.. lose her? We just got married, we just started to live out our dreams! Oh, God, I can’t believe this is even happening!”
It was so shocking… even though they had speculated on it only hours ago. The brutal reality was so hard to accept. “Oh, John…I don’t know what to say buddy…” Abe said, continuing to hold his best friend.
With tears still forming, a few more slipping silently down his cheeks, John wiped a few away, sniffled a couple of times and told his friend about the confrontation, “I tried to convince her, Abe. I told her we could have another baby, that we could try again after she had the treatment and the doctors cleared her, but.. she said no. I got down on my knees and begged her, but she said she’s already decided to keep this baby and wait on the treatment. There’s nothing I can do to convince her to change her mind. Abe.. she said the doctors told her that if she doesn’t get the treatment for nine months, her chances are…. well, they aren’t good, she….probably won’t survive if she waits.” The fear was so overpowering for him. The more he talked about it, the more real it became and all he wanted to do was take Marlena with him and run away to some island paradise and hide. If only it were that simple…
Abe was shocked by that too and said with intensity, “Well, you just have to try again to convince her then, John. You have to find a way!” He was frightened for both of them.
Shaking his head dejectedly, John said, “No, Abe.. she’s made up her mind about this, you know how she is…. she’s locked in to this decision.” Talking about it reminded him of the fact that she had not included him in the process. “Abe, I don’t understand! How could she do that to me, how could she leave me out of such an important decision for both of us?”
Abe knew the answer to that, ” She knew what you would say, that you would ask her to give up the baby’s life for hers and she couldn’t do that. She is so..loving and self-sacrificing that she wanted to give life to your child, even if it means giving up her own.”
Again, John nodded, “Yea….that’s why…but I… don’t want this baby if it means losing Doc! Is that so terrible of me, does that make me a monster, Abe?” he asked in agonizing self-doubt, while looking in at the tiny people, one of whom wouldn’t be there if a parent had made the choice to abort, for whatever reason.
Abe realized now why his friend had come to look at the babies; he needed to make it real somehow. He had to confront the fact that they were making a choice between two lives, equally as valuable, equally as precious in God’s eyes. Abe took his friend’s two shoulders and stared into his tear-filled eyes, “No, John, it makes you a husband who loves his wife very much, a man who can’t imagine living without the woman he loves with every fiber of his being.”
Looking back through the window, John nodded and said tearfully with a trembling voice, “Yes, that’s true, but then…one tiny little life…. just like these babies.. won’t ever see the light of day. It won’t.. know love, it won’t.. ever know… how much its parents.. loved each other to create that life. One more little baby, a child.. made from the incredible.. bond of love Marlena and I share, won’t be.. nursed and held and… nurtured the way God would want… Oh, Abe, how can it come down to a choice like this?”
He was nearly sobbing, in agony… it was the worst question ever faced by human beings, how could they choose to save one life over another? “Oh, God!” he cried out in desperation, wishing that choice would be taken from him. Abe knew there was no answer he could give that would make it less painful, less difficult, no words of wisdom that he could offer. Instead, he simply held John in his arms while he wept softly and attempted to come to grips with the unimaginably difficult decision he faced with Marlena and the potential loss of her life which John now believed was inevitable.
After Shocks
Marlena sat up on the bed with her knees tucked and her arms wrapped around them, willing her tiny unborn baby to be allright. Sarah Bader and Mike Horton observed her worriedly for several seconds, realizing that she was so distressed by her upsetting conversation with her husband that she hardly registered their presence in her room. That wasn’t good for the baby and they needed to do something about it. “Marlena… do you want us to send someone in here to stay with you… while we’re monitoring you? Caroline, Laura and Lexie are outside.. we could ask one of them to stay with you.”
Shaking her head with distant sadness, she said, “No… no.. I want.. no, I need to be.. alone for a little while.. really. But, please.. just tell me how the baby’s doing; I need the truth.”
Admiring the pillar of strength in such a small package, Sarah Bader answered encouragingly, “Well, it appears that your little one is a lot like it’s parents.. This little guy or gal is quite a fighter. It’s hanging in there. You do need to take it easy, eat very well, get lots of rest and try.. to keep the stress down to a dull roar.. if you can.”
She let out a long sigh of mixed emotion. “So, you’re saying that if I.. do those things the baby has a good chance?” she asked eagerly.
“Yes.. that’s what we’re saying.” There was a long awkward pause and then the inevitable commentary. Mike gave this one, “Marlena.. we couldn’t help but notice the.. tension between you and John about this. You have to know.. it’s going to affect you and the baby if…”
Marlena jumped in when he paused, “If John can’t support this pregnancy.. I know.. I know that.. but I don’t know what to do! He… was so.. devastated about the cancer.. I know he was thinking of everything that happened with Isabella. He’s absolutely terrified of losing me, Mike… he actually got down on his knees begging me to have an abortion. I don’t.. think he can.. ever really accept my decision and fully support this pregnancy, knowing that I could die because of it.”
They nodded in unison and Sarah said what had to be spoken. “Then, Marlena.. you have another decision to make. How are the two of you going to live together in the same house… completely at odds on this baby and what it means. You have to know that the stress resulting from that kind of conflict.. could cause you to lose it, Marlena, not to mention the idea that a high level of stress is sure to have some adverse effects on your overall health.”
The whole ordeal was overwhelming. ” I know that, but what can I do? What do you suggest, that I ask him to leave, or God forbid move out myself ? We just got married a couple of months ago. I don’t want that, and he certainly doesn’t. Oh… it’s just an impossible situation and I have no idea what to do about it!” she cried fearfully.
Mike said it as plainly as possible, while trying to empathize with her dilemma, “I wish I had an easy answer for you, Marlena.. all we’re saying is that if you live under the same roof, with John.. actively.. rejecting your pregnancy, or even passively, for that matter… you will have a very difficult time maintaining the optimal level of health for yourself and this baby.”
Weeping softly in fear of losing the man she loved, her child and ultimately her own life.. all Marlena could do at this point was nod slightly and stare blankly down at the bed sheets.
Not having anything further to add, the two physicians decided to leave their patient to her solitude to think about all that lay ahead for her. Sarah touched her friend on the shoulder on the way out saying, “We’ll do whatever we can to help Marlena, but a lot depends on you… and John.” Again…all she seemed capable of was a weak smile and a slight nod of the head to acknowledge being spoken to.
When they were gone, Marlena let loose the veneer of control and broke down in tears born of grief and fear. Grief.. how could she feel that when she hadn’t lost anything.. yet? she wondered. ‘Oh, but she had lost something.. it was John’s happiness and excitement about the baby and the dream of eagerly sharing every little detail of the pregnancy experience, as they hadn’t been able to do with Belle. He had been positively overjoyed when she informed him she was pregnant. He was like a child with a secret he was bursting to tell, practically leaving her standing alone in the gazebo to call his best buddy Abe Carver. He wept with elation and made the most incredibly tender, almost worshipful love to her that night. He was floating on air for several days, at least. And now.. he wanted her to throw that precious life away to save hers. Marlena couldn’t help but grieve the loss of his enthusiastic support for the pregnancy and his joy about adding to their family. Images of blissful moments came to her mind’s eye. The instant that he opened the small bag which contained the tiny pair of booties… Oh.. to see the brilliant smile on his handsome face and the moisture in his ecstatic eyes. It was like she had made every dream he ever had come true. John was happier in those first few days than she had ever seen him, as it appeared their hopes and dreams of a happy family life were finally coming together the way they always wanted. Their joy was doubled when their best friends Abe and Lexie Carver learned they were expecting a child also. Life couldn’t have been any better for John, and for Marlena too, before she learned about the cancer.
A few minutes ago, however she had just placed her loving husband into a living nightmare, potentially condemning him to stand helplessly by and watch while yet another woman he loved suffered and died before his very eyes. “Oh, John… I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
Beyond the grief for that loss, there was the fear; it was a bone chilling, stomach knotting, raw, aching fear that seemed to dwell deep within her being. There was the fear of losing her life which she labored to force down and even more difficult to bear was the fear of losing the man she loved because of the choice she made to preserve the life they created out of their deep and abiding love. She knew it wouldn’t happen right away; it would be insidious. Small amounts of what they had together, tiny fragments of intimacy would be lost each day. He would try to accept her choice, but he would resent the pregnancy. Over time, he might even come to loathe it.. fearing the ultimate loss of her life because of the growing bulge in her abdomen. Every time he looked at her, every time she talked about the baby he would be reminded of what keeping that baby could cost them. Re-experiencing the memories of what he went through in losing Isabella would be a constant source of fear and anxiety for him, and though he would try not to, in some ways he would blame the baby for that fear and ultimately for her death. If it actually came to that. The contrast between her strong commitment to their child and his increasing resentment and anger would set them up for serious marital distress, creating distance and adversely affecting communication. Virtually every aspect of their life together would be damaged. And as time passed, the marriage bond could be destroyed as a result.
She thought it all through to its ultimate conclusion and still she knew in her heart and soul that she could not alter her decision. Not to save the marriage, not to protect herself from pain or save her own life, not to please her husband or shelter him from the intense emotional suffering that lay ahead for him. Marlena resolved to try very hard to make him understand, to make him see that she really had no other choice, if she were to be true to herself and her belief in the sanctity of life. In her mind the child had a right at a chance for life. She had hers and now it was the baby’s turn. Marlena vowed to do everything in her power to make John recognize what was so painfully obvious to her and she hoped that he could at some point respect her for what she was doing, maybe even accept it and support her. Preserving the life of her unborn child was the only decision she could live with, however long that might be.
John stayed with Abe for a long while, weeping with profound sadness at times, feeling in some ways as though it were a foregone conclusion that Marlena would die. How odd that seemed to him. When Isabella was given a death sentence, he was the one running all over the place, frantically searching for some specialist that would say he could help her. And, here he was again.. it was Marlena, who might perish, and he was almost giving up already, throwing in the proverbial towel before the fight even began. Staring in at the babies one last time, John said quietly, “Listen, Abe.. it’s getting late.. I should.. go. Thanks for listening, partner.”
“John…” he started tentatively, “What are you going to do?”
“What can I do, Abe? She’s made up her mind. I can’t *do * anything… just like with Izzy B.. I’m helpless. I can’t do anything!” he said raising his voice almost to a shout.
Abe felt horrible for his friend. Being powerless to help the woman he loved was the absolute worst case scenario for John. He would give up every worldly comfort, sacrifice any want or need for Marlena Evans and here he was in a situation where there was nothing he could give up that would save her, no action he could take, no effect he could have on her situation at all. She held all the power and she was choosing a path he couldn’t understand, accept or embrace, a path that could end in her untimely death from a curable form of cancer. “I’m sorry, John.. I know this is.. very painful for you. All the reminders of losing Isabella.. your fears for Marlena.. but you have a decision to make now. If you can’t convince her to have the abortion and begin treatment.. you have to figure out a way to handle this. She’s going to need you buddy..”
Turning himself away from the viewing window, not wanting to think about that aspect of it again, he said, “I know she will.. but I.. can’t feel good about this baby, Abe… I just.. can’t. Abe.. the fact is..having the baby is probably gonna take the woman I love away from me. How can I feel good about that?”
“John… you don’t know that for sure, and you can’t blame the baby for God’s sake!” Abe confronted.
“I don’t.. blame the baby! I… blame.. God!” Woah.. he couldn’t believe he said it and had to avert his gaze, so as to avoid Abe’s certain condemnation for uttering it. How could he blame God? ‘God had nothing to do with it, John,’ his mind told him. Another part of his mind had to have someone to blame for what was essentially a senseless situation.
When Abe didn’t get on him, John began to explain himself and his feelings as best he could. “He gave us his blessing.. before we got married.. remember when we almost broke it off and I was.. destroyed by it? Remember that day at the new park by the house?”
Abe only nodded, realizing that John needed to play out the scenario; his buddy was working hard to understand how he could be forced to face such pain when he had already endured so much suffering in his forty plus years on the planet. John was probably wondering why he didn’t deserve some lasting happiness with the woman he loved, who had also endured more than her fair share of pain.
John’s eyes acknowledged Abe’s expression and went right on with the story, “Marlena came running up to me, saying that God had touched her heart and she was able to give me the total forgiveness..about everything that happened with Kristen. He wanted us to be together, Abe… I KNOW he did, and I… really thought it meant that we were going to have a long and happy life together. We even believe it was that day she conceived.” The tears that kept forming behind his frightened eyes began to trickle out again as he continued, “And now… Oh, damn it, Abe… she might die.. If she waits.. she’s gonna be so sick.. and she could die! How can God let this happen? I don’t understand!”
Abe didn’t know what to say to help his friend understand because it made no sense to him either, why two such wonderful people had been allowed to experience the unbelievably painful circumstances they had each faced in their lives. “Oh.. John.. I don’t know.. Maybe.. maybe God knew this was going to happen and so he made sure Marlena would have the love and support she needed to get through it. God knew she would need you, John.”
John sat back down and began to weep anew, as he considered that concept. “But… I don’t have the strength, Abe. I did this before and it damn near killed me too. How can I do it again, Abe? Oh, God.. how can I possibly go through this again? What if I lose her? Abe.. I could never handle that..” He was quiet for a moment and then blurted out one last unsettling comment, “I swear it.. if Doc dies.. I’m going with her!” The words were out there, he couldn’t take them back. John was overwrought; he didn’t know what to think or how to feel or what to do, but those words rang true for the split second in which he said them, so he let them sit there in the thick angst filled air between he and his best friend.
Abe was shocked and alarmed at what he heard come out of his best friend’s mouth. His eyes wide with worry and his voice laced with incredulity, he touched John on the arm and said, “John! Come on.. you don’t mean that! You have friends and family who love you and need you. You have kids, John.. you have to be there for them. No matter what happens, you know that you have a responsibility to them.”
John couldn’t hear that, not now. It was a little too much to take. Shaking his head, he didn’t even bother to fight the tears and replied with great uncertainty, “I.. don’t know… anything right now.. Look, I.. gotta go, Abe.. I’ll see you later.” He stood up and rushed off, leaving his best friend dumbfounded. John was not the type to consider something like that, but maybe all the pain, all the losses he had experienced in his life were having a cumulative effect on him, each one chipping away at his strength of will. Marlena was essentially the cornerstone for the life John had built for himself since losing his identity as Roman Brady, especially after Isabella died. Maybe without her, the whole foundation would collapse and with it the structure which stood above it.. John’s life. Maybe it was true… that John just couldn’t survive the loss of her. Only time would tell about all of that.
As Abe watched his friend go, he turned to the only real source of help there could be in such a horrendous situation, “Oh, God.. please watch over both of them. They’re so afraid and so vulnerable right now. They’re likely to do and say things they might regret later. Please guide them and let the love they share get them through this very frightening and painful time. Please bring healing for Marlena and in the mean time help them find a way to face their dilemma… together.”
Truly, Madly, Deeply Do
John wanted to go back in and see her; she was his love, his life.. his everything, but she had sent him away. Although he understood why, it hurt him all the same. Being rejected by Marlena was the worst pain he could ever feel. Nevertheless, he didn’t want to upset her further, so he went out to the Jeep, climbed in and absently flipped on the radio, and then just sat there for awhile, trying to figure out what to do next. That song.. the one that played so often lately, the one he never got tired of hearing, wouldn’t let him think of anything but how much he loved her. And the fear of losing her took control of him again. His mind guided him back only a few short months ago to their wedding day and the glorious honeymoon that followed. They were finally free to love and it seemed that all their dreams were coming true at last, dreams of sharing a long and happy life, raising their children.. so many wishes he thought were going to be granted by God. “Oh, Doc.. I love you so much! Are we ever going to have a chance to live out those dreams.. “Oh, God.. please don’t let her die! I can’t live without her.. I can’t make it without her!” He just sat there, leaning back in the seat listening and crying softly….
Marlena loved the song too.. It seemed to fit them.
Marlena sat alone in the hospital room, wanting the strong arms of her husband around her chilled body. She was so frightened and he always made her feel safe and secure. Even in the worst of circumstances, his presence made her feel as if she could handle anything, as if she could face any pain life had to offer. But, she had sent him away.. “Oh, John.. I need you so much! I need you to understand, I need you to accept my choice and support me in having this baby..” She rose from the bed, pulling her robe around her, wrapping her arms in a self-protective hug to ward off the overwhelming cold dark sense of foreboding that threatened to envelope her entire being.
Peering up into the night sky, she found that her eyes went right to Isabella’s shining star. Brady had been explaining to her the other night that he was able to find it on his own now and showed her where it was. Remembering that conversation brought warmth to her heart and a smile to her face. He had said with slightly trembling lips, “Mommy.. I found the star for my first momma in heaven. Is it okay if I still want to look up there? Is it okay if I still love her in my heart, even though you’re my mommy now?”
This little boy touched her so much that there were tears forming as she held him close and answered his heartfelt question. “Oh.. Brady.. of course it is honey.. Isabella will always be in your heart.. and your Daddy’s too. She loved you both very much sweety. You look up at that star whenever you want to sweetheart.”
“Okay.. Mommy.. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Daddy says you’re…senstitive sometimes and we need to be careful what we say.”
Recalling that conversation brought tears to her eyes again. John loved her so much; he was so considerate of her feelings most all the time and was teaching his son to follow in his footsteps. “John.. Brady.. I love both of you.. and Belle so much. I don’t want to leave you… but I love this new baby too and I can’t… end its life, no matter how much it hurts all of us.”
Drying her eyes, she spoke to Isabella as she knew John used to do, as he sometimes still did, she corrected herself, remembering the night at the Penthouse Grill. “Oh, Isabella… we’re all in a very difficult situation right now.. and I need some help, my friend. You know what John went through when you were sick. He’s so scared that he’s going to lose me the same way.. I don’t know what to do to help him with it. I don’t know what you did to get him through it. You were so.. brave, Isabella… I admired you.. you know that.. We had our differences and I know it bothered you that I still loved him.. but that is what we had in common.. Izzy B.. We both love him.. so very much and we both wanted to protect him from pain. I don’t know how to do that now.. And, I don’t think I can do this without him… Help us Isabella.. help us get through this.. together. Shine down on us, shine your light into our lives; give us strength.. help us survive this.” As she looked once more.. she noticed some tiny change.. was it real or had she imagined it?
John sat there for a long while, just listening to the words and melody, losing himself in memories of their love and friendship. Pleasure and pain.. they seemed to be inextricably linked in this romance. The joy and relief he felt the day she told him she believed he was Roman.. the devastation that permeated his entire being on the day he learned he wasn’t. The sheer ecstasy they shared on a day when they lost themselves in each other during the affair… the guilt and shame they experienced on the day it was exposed in front of everyone they loved. The boyish anticipation in his heart years later on the day he thought he would finally tell her that he still loved her deeply… the profound disappointment he felt in the moment she said he was *such a good friend.* The joy of fatherhood he expressed with her at the birth of the child he believed was his and the warm friendship he experienced as she was there congratulating him… the sense of bitter loss he felt on the day she left town because of Kristen and the vile woman’s claim on him. The incredible feeling of wish fulfillment that claimed his heart in the instant she accepted his marriage proposal.. the utter deluge of sadness that flowed over him in the moment they broke it off. The indescribable delight that enveloped his soul on the day of their wedding and the amazingly pleasurable love they made all night long after she told him of her pregnancy and.. finally tonight.. the numbing shock that slammed him to the floor when she told him she had breast cancer and it seemed that once again their dreams were crashing down around them. Pleasure and pain…..
They had been through so much to be together and find their way to a church to exchange vows. Finally, they were married and now this horrible gut wrenching situation was thrust upon them, only a few months afterward. John felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him.. again. God, how exhausted he was for such a young man. It had happened so many times.. every single time he felt like he was grounded, that he was firmly planted and that his life would finally settle down. But no… whenever he allowed himself to believe he had found some lasting peace, a resting place, a love that would remain, it happened another time. As he dwelled on that fact, he found himself weeping again, weeping from the depths of his soul. Where would he find the strength to pick himself up off the hard barren ground yet again?
Staring up into the dark night sky, a sky littered with a million twinkling lights, he beseeched his Lord to intervene in their lives, “Oh God… I can’t do this again! I just can’t… Please.. don’t take her.. I’m begging you.. God.. please don’t take her from me!” he cried out to his Lord. “If I’ve messed up.. I’ll change.. I’ll love her better, I’ll do anything you ask of me… just don’t let her die.”
For some reason, after he finished praying he knew he had to go see her again, no matter whether she kicked him out again. He couldn’t give up that easy. He loved her and she needed him, more than ever. They just had to find a way to handle the situation.. together. Looking up into that sky again, he noticed Isabella’s star. It seemed to be shining a little brighter for some reason. He found that so odd; he had looked at her star a thousand times; it was definitely different.
“Hey.. Izzy B.. I suppose you know we’re in serious trouble here.. Could you put in a good word for us? We could use any help we can get with this situation. You know that losing you was the worst pain.. I’ve ever been through… I don’t know if I can handle this one.. Doc.. she’s pretty determined about keeping the baby.. and a part of me can understand.. but so help me, Izzy B. I want to save *her.* I love our baby.. but if her life is at risk.. I’m willing to.. let it go. Is that so terrible of me Isabella?” There was no answer to that question, but he knew he had to go see his love, his life, his heart, his soul. Marlena was suffering too and he should be there, whether she said she wanted him or not. John knew he had to at least try.
She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Now that the truth was out there it was like she had let go of a dam and the water was cascading continuously downward. As she rose and headed toward the restroom for another box of tissues, she looked up and he was standing in the doorway, the light from the hallway casting a halo effect around his long lean frame. He was a gorgeous angelic sight to her tired red eyes “John… Oh, John… I need you!” she cried, feeling overjoyed to see him standing there like a tower of strength.
Rushing to her side, he placed his strong muscular arms around her trembling body, warming her instantly. “I need you too, Doc.. I love you so much!” There was nothing better for this couple than being in that warm loving embrace. It was the safest, warmest, most secure place either had ever been. When they held each other in this way it seemed as if they could handle any challenge, overcome any obstacle. They had said it so many times. “As long as we’re together, we can face anything.” Now was the time that heartfelt assertion would be put to the test like never before.
Love Comes To An Impasse
Life around the Black household was extremely different after that night at the hospital when John learned the whole truth about their impossible situation. Though they worked very hard to go on as normal, John just couldn’t accept Marlena’s decision to keep the baby instead of pursuing cancer treatment. He tried repeatedly to persuade her to change her mind, but soon gave up, realizing it wouldn’t happen. Marlena and John didn’t speak to each other too often after that, and when they did it was mostly to make small talk or argue about seemingly unrelated matters. Marlena was not going to change her mind and John could not fully support the pregnancy. They were at an impasse.
It was getting to the point that her doctors were recommending the couple separate because Marlena was under too much stress from the marital strife, and her general health and the pregnancy were being adversely affected. One morning as the family sat down to breakfast, five-year old Brady made an observation, “Daddy, how come you and Mommy don’t like each other any more?”
That simple but telling question hit them like a roaring freight train and they both jumped in to answer. Marlena spoke first, “Honey, we do..like each other, it’s just that…Daddy and Mommy are worried because this baby Mommy is going to have is not feeling too well and it scares Mommy and Daddy sometimes.”
John added what he considered to be a more truthful statement, “And it also makes it so Mommy doesn’t feel good and Daddy is very worried about her and sometimes he gets upset about it.”
“Well, I fink you should stop argubating about fings!” Belle said authoritatively.
They both said, “Argubating?” and then they couldn’t help but laugh together at her creativity. “That’s a very interesting word Belle honey,” said Marlena thinking, that’s about it, we argue and debate all at the same time. It was the first laugh they shared in a couple weeks and the last one too.
Brady said more about how he had drawn his conclusion, “We see you when you’re on the porch sometimes and you have angry faces on when you’re talking. That’s why we wonder about if you still like each other.”
John attempted to respond in a helpful manner, saying, “Oh, slugger, of course we still like each other, it’s very stressful to have another person joining your family and…we..wonder how it will all….” End… that was the word that came to mind next, though it wasn’t what he intended to say, and he had to stop because trying to explain it to Brady brought his fear for her life to the surface and he felt he couldn’t handle saying any more. “Can you finish up here, Doc? I’ll… be right back, I…uh.. have to check on something.”
She watched him symbolically running away, thinking, ‘Why can’t he just..” and she stopped her thought midstream. ‘What Marlena.. accept that it’s highly likely you’ll die shortly after the baby is born like Isabella did after Brady?’ How can you just expect him to accept that and act as if everything is fine ?’ As she sat there looking at the children.. so sweet, so innocent, so blissfully unaware for the moment, Marlena realized that the children needed to know something about what was happening. She had been holding off, not quite knowing what to say to them. If they could sense the tension between their parents, they were bound to fill the vacuum when there was no information available for them. At their age, they were likely to ultimately blame themselves for whatever problems existed.
As the days wore on it didn’t get much better for the couple. They were polarized and John was petrified of losing her and couldn’t focus on much of anything else. He stopped trying to coerce or cajole his wife to change her mind, but he was falling into an angry depression about her decision and the anticipated end result. He wouldn’t go to her OB appointments and couldn’t even bear to talk about the baby. She was crushed that he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy and felt rejected by his behavior. He wouldn’t touch her belly at all; that baby represented her death knell to him and he couldn’t let himself care for it anymore. Somehow in his distressed mind, that would be like saying he was in agreement with her choice and that she was probably going to die; he could never do that, nor truly accept it.
Marlena relied on her female friends Maggie and Laura for support and had even decided to have one or both of them attend Lamaze classes when the time came. All of this was such a shame because what time they did have was being wasted out of fear, anger, pride… Whatever the reasons, each day they didn’t communicate well was one day lost forever. Slowly the relationship seemed to be disintegrating to the point that one morning a few weeks later, after the children were off at preschool, Marlena turned to her husband, who was sitting on the couch half-heartedly reading the paper, and said with very little emotion, “John, I….want you to move out.”
He wasn’t really shocked, but it still hurt to hear her say it so plainly, so coldly. Standing up, to face her he made a lame attempt to convince her otherwise, “Marlena, I…know it isn’t good between us right now, but…”
She interrupted him with her mounting frustration evident, “But what, John? Are you going to tell me you’ll change and embrace this pregnancy, that you’ll accept this baby I’m carrying, OUR BABY? It is our baby, or did you forget that?” she said angrily.
John reacted strongly, “How could I possibly forget that Doc? I know you want me to embrace this baby, but I CAN’T because like it or not, having this child is your death sentence Marlena! I went through this before and I….don’t think I have the strength to do it again!”
Her frustration and anger reached a boiling point and she screamed at him, “FINE, THEN GO, NOW!” She pointed to the front door and said a little more calmly, “Go, and I will handle this on my own, you.. coward! I have always been strong and independent when the men in my life were too weak to face the pain life had to offer, so go on, GET OUT, John! Get out of the house and out of my life!! If you can’t, no if you.. won’t accept this baby, I don’t want anything more to do with you! Our marriage is over, John!”
That last thought was absolutely crushing; it couldn’t possibly have gotten that bad. John was incredulous and deeply hurt. Staring into her eyes, searching for a trace of the love they shared, but not seeing it at the moment, he shook his head and cried out fearfully, desperately, wanting to hold her, but seeing in her angry eyes that she wouldn’t let him come near her. Instead he only stared at her, feeling the sting of tears filling his eyes as he pleaded his case, “No, no.. you.. can’t mean that! I love you so much! Doc, you can’t mean you don’t want me at all anymore!”
Marlena was very firm with him, almost matter of fact, and her words pierced his weakened heart, “Yes, I do mean that, John. I have already spoken to Mickey about a formal separation agreement.”
This action came as a complete shock to him. “NO! No, I won’t agree to it! I won’t sign the papers!” he stated emphatically, squaring his shoulders to drive home the point.
“John, if you fight me on this, the stress from it could cause me to lose the baby and if that happens I will never forgive you, NEVER….do you understand me?” she asked, looking right through him with eyes as cold as ice.
She sent him reeling with that last comment, backing him into a corner. He had no choice, but still he fought for her. Knowing in some ways that it was a foregone conclusion, he pleaded with her to reconsider as tears began to trickle down his cheeks, “But, Doc… I…. I…love you! And… I know you still… love me too! I don’t want to leave! I don’t want our marriage to end! Please don’t make me do this!”
Though she knew it was futile, that they were at a complete stalemate, she also knew that she had to give him one last chance. “If you love me, you will abide by wishes here. If you love me, John.. if you truly love me.. unselfishly.. the way you always say you do, then you will embrace this pregnancy and our baby and share in this amazing experience with me, for however long we have together. Can you do that, John?”
John agonized over it. His mind kept flashing on all the times Isabella was sick and in pain and he couldn’t help her, and on those last few days when she was so ill and slowly slipping away from him, the day she died and he felt completely empty and so utterly alone. In a matter of seconds, Isabella’s gaunt face and lifeless body were transformed, and became Marlena’s. Seeing vivid images of his precious Doc, dying in the same way, he cried out in desolate fear, “I….can’t Marlena! This baby is killing you! I keep seeing you, dying like Izzy B.. I don’t want to lose you, Doc!” He broke down in tears and asked her while kneeling on one knee, one more time he pleaded with her, “Please Doc!! Give it up and we can…try again when you’re well, I promise! Or we can… adopt a baby! I’ll do ANYTHING, if you let this pregnancy go and get cancer treatment, PLEASE!”
She understood his perspective and a part of her wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be all right, to tell him what he wanted to hear and do what he asked, but her mind was made up; the baby was becoming much too real to her now. Feeling the same fears for herself that he was voicing, Marlena was in tears too, even as she shouted her strong reply, “NO! For the last time, John… I won’t kill this child, not even to save my own life! Now, I don’t want to talk about this again! You have to find a way to accept my decision because there is nothing you can do about it!” She waited just long enough for him to rise and regain some sense of composure, and then she finished quietly, “I’ll have Mickey send you the separation papers…. wherever you settle. Goodbye, John.” Marlena turned to go up the stairs, leaving him standing alone in the foyer of the house he designed especially with her wishes in mind. Sometimes it seemed like a lifetime ago now, and sometimes it seemed as if it were only yesterday.
John was utterly devastated; here he was losing her when she was still alive and generally well. He was losing her because he couldn’t handle the decision she had made about the baby.’ I can’t believe this is even happening, we’re still newlyweds for God’s sake, how can we possibly be talking about legal separation?’ Swiping at the moisture with the backs of his hands, even as more was forming, he got up and slowly walked toward the door, taking the time for a lingering glance around the front part of the house of hopes and dreams. Now there were only broken dreams for him. “Oh, Doc…I love you! I LOVE YOU!” he yelled before leaving, praying she would come back out to the stairwell. When she didn’t reappear, John reluctantly stepped outside into the bright cheerful sunshine that was in direct contrast to the oppressive darkness that enveloped his heart and soul when she said the marriage was over. “It’s not goodbye, Doc.. I’m not letting you go. I know you don’t mean it,” he whispered tearfully, as he headed for the Jeep.
Even as a new life grew in the womb of his greatest love, the soul deep bond of love out of which that life was created was slowly dying, gradually disintegrating before their eyes. How very ironic it was. If the unborn child only knew what was going on in the lives of his/her parents…
Marlena stood staring out the bedroom window at the gazebo where they had taken their wedding vows. Ironically it was three months ago on this date. She reviewed the early weeks and how wonderful and romantic and full of laughter they had been, for the most part. The Dimera’s were seemingly out of their lives for good and life was blissfully happy until a routine OB exam had thrown them into turmoil and resulted in the current agony of separation, something they had both promised would never happen again. She picked up the photo album from their wedding day, sat down on the bed, and immersed herself in happy memories of love and laughter for a long while. Then she shed the tears of loss evoked by the contrast between those memories and the ones of the weeks since John confronted her and Marlena finally told him of her medical dilemma. Every detail of their last conversation was etched in her mind now, no matter how she tried to banish them.
When she thought the tears were all gone for the time being, she worked to compose herself and said out loud as a pep talk, “Okay, Marlena you can do this..you’ve done it before, you don’t….need him to get through this.” She looked in the mirror at her flushed cheeks and tired red eyes, and thought, Oh who are you kidding? Of course you need him! You love him and need him more than ever…but..he won’t…support this pregnancy. Marlena rubbed her belly, thinking back to that first day when she told him about it…the sheer delight that sparkled in his eyes, the joy that oozed from his very pores…He had been so excited that he picked her off the ground several times and twirled her around in a circle in that wonderful gazebo..and now….
She talked next to their unborn child, “Oh, baby…your daddy loves you it’s just…having you is.. causing your Mommy some trouble you see and he is having a… very hard time accepting that fact. He wants Mommy to… Oh, God!” How could he expect me to do that? to take the life of this precious gift from you and throw it away! I don’t understand…and yet…I do realize.. he is so….afraid to lose me. It must remind him of Isabella…. I’m sure that every time he looks at my belly he must think of losing me…to cancer like he lost her.. How painful it must be for him to remember and how frightening to imagine it happening again.. She tried hard to see it from his vantage point, but there was no way around the fact of their unresolvable dilemma. Marlena couldn’t violate her beliefs to give him what he wanted and he couldn’t accept that reality and support her through it.
“Oh, Lord please help us! I’m afraid too, so much and now we’re apart..how could this have happened to us?” ‘Oh, how I love you, John! I don’t understand any of this, how could our love that was so strong be so weak now when we need that love, that bond we said was indestructible.. to get us through the rough waters that are ahead for us? Why can’t it see us through the most difficult time of our lives? You told him to leave Marlena, you asked Mickey to draw up the separation papers and told John that if he didn’t sign them and you miscarried that you would never forgive him, what do you expect him to do now? I want him to accept and love this baby, OUR baby, that’s what I want! Is that too much to ask?’
Marlena wondered what it was she could tell the children about why their Daddy wasn’t going to live with them anymore and the Brady family too. They had both promised the kids so many times that they were a family and that they would never be apart again. Everyone they knew thought that their love and marriage would be the kind that lasted forever, like that of Alice and Tom Horton, but that didn’t appear to be the case. One serious crisis later and they were separated. ‘How can this be happening?’ She kept coming back to that same question over and over again until she thought her head would explode and her heart would break into a million tiny fragments. ‘I am alone, sick, and carrying John’s child, a child that just a few short weeks ago we were both completely ecstatic about.’ “Oh dear God help us! I just don’t see how this story can have a happy ending…” She paused, the repeated that word, ‘Ending… can my life really be ending….can our love be ending, now… when we finally have everything we wished, hoped and prayed for, during all those years apart?’
John wasn’t sure what to do or where to go. He thought about going for a walk in the park, but then decided he didn’t have the energy. And, then he almost went to his old standby in troubled times.. the pier, but thought it would be full of memories that were too painful, so instead he just drove around aimlessly and let his mind wander. Somehow, he ended up at the Salem Police Department and was sitting by himself in his Jeep when Abe Carver came down the steps of the front entrance, heading for the County Courthouse. Seeing his friend sitting there in silence, his head tilted back against the seat, Abe guessed that John was very troubled.
He approached slowly, observing his friend and then realized he was correct in his assessment. John was weeping quietly. “Hey… buddy.. what’s going on? Is Marlena having symptoms? Is it the baby?” he asked worriedly.
“Oh.. Abe.. I.. uh didn’t hear you coming,” John said nervously, sitting in a more upright position and trying to hide the evidence of emotion, although he didn’t know why he bothered. Abe had seen him cry before, plenty of times and John realized it was painfully obvious that he was hurting.
Softly his best friend said, “John.. you don’t have to pretend with me.. What happened to make you so upset? And for God’s sake what are doing sitting out here alone?” He was bold enough to climb in on the passenger side when John didn’t answer right away.
Finally, after a long minute, John summoned the strength to respond to his friend’s concerned inquiry. “It’s Doc.. she.. uh.. she.. threw me out today,” he said disconsolately, not even able to look his friend in the face when he said it, he was so upset.
His buddy wasn’t really surprised, but he knew that it must be ripping John’s heart out. Putting a comforting hand on his friend’s, shoulder, Abe said, “Oh… John, I’m really sorry. I didn’t know things had gotten that bad between you.”
John sighed with overwhelming weariness, as if his shoulders bore the weight of the world upon them, “Yea.. you and me both, Abe. I.. tried, partner.. I really tried to accept her decision and respect her for it, but.. I.. just.. couldn’t!” He felt the sting of salty moisture yet again, as he attempted to put his emotions into words, “Every time I look at her, every time I hear her talk about the baby.. all I can think of is her dying… like Izzy B did. I see myself standing there on that terrace… holding her dead body… wishing I could die too, so I could be with her… Oh, God Abe… I’m losing her anyway!” John dropped his head, fighting a fierce but ultimately losing battle to hold back tears of desolate loss, tears of helpless anguish.
Pulling him into rough hug, Abe said, “Oh.. John.. I am so sorry this is happening. I don’t know what to say here… But, I’ve got to tell you, I can understand why she asked you to leave. You told me yourself that you’ve been.. withdrawing from her, and you haven’t gone to her doctor’s appointments; Lexie told me Marlena said you won’t even talk about the baby anymore. How can you expect her to handle that kind of stress and have a healthy pregnancy?”
Swiping at the moisture and sniffing, trying to regain some control he answered, “When I let myself think about it from her perspective, I understand too, Abe… but this isn’t about either of us understanding! It’s about how much it hurts! Abe… I love her so much and there’s a part of me that wants to give her what she says she needs…. but.. I can’t! I just can’t!”
His buddy nodded knowingly, and concluded, “And she wants to give you what you feel you need, but she just.. can’t, so.. you both lose, you’re both alone and hurting.”
Nodding tearfully, all John said was, “Yep.. I guess that about sums it up.” There was a long painful pause and John told him the worst part of it, “Doc… she.. even had Mickey draw up a legal separation agreement; she’s really serious about it.” Then there was another long awkward pause and he groaned, almost in physical pain because of the fear, and asked the question for which no one had an answer, “Oh…. What are we gonna do, Abe? Please tell me… what we’re gonna do! I love her and I need her so badly! I don’t.. even know how to..breathe without her any more. Oh God… I thought we were going to make it; we were supposed to be together forever this time!” John dropped his head and said no more, finally giving way to the turbulent tide of emotions that swept through his heart and soul. All Abe could do was sit with him while he faced the pain.
Later that same day, the children were off with the nanny, who picked the kids up from preschool; she had taken them out to play in the nearby park, so Marlena could have some time alone. And she was… so very much alone with her fears and her sense of aching loss, as she walked down to the pond and the gazebo. She remembered the day he had shown it to her, he presented it to her as a gift a couple days before the wedding. He said it was always going to represent their everlasting love as it would be the actual place where they would exchange their wedding vows. It looked out over the water and there was such an amazing feeling of peace and contentment that enveloped them whenever they came out there to sit or stand together and gaze out around the small lake. They spent seemingly endless hours with arms around each other just quietly staring and thinking, content just to be together in love and marriage at long last. Sometimes they shared their secret dreams, their wishes, their hopes for a long and happy life together, for their children, so many intimate moments were shared there.
As she approached it now, tears returned to her eyes, there were so many of those lately. ‘How does the human body keep making so many tears?’ she wondered almost absently. ‘Oh, John all those hopes and dreams we shared for our life together, for the children, even for this new baby…I can’t believe it could all be over now!’ She sat staring blankly out at the water for a long time, thinking, remembering and weeping.
After sitting and pondering how she would make it alone, yet again, she decided she had to talk to someone. ‘Laura, I’ll call Laura,’ she thought. She had told nobody else exactly what was happening between them, yet everyone knew John and Marlena were having trouble, that much was obvious. They didn’t come to the Pub together, they weren’t seen out at the parks with the kids like they used to be and they didn’t see their friends much together, so much was done separately during the last couple of weeks. The only people who knew all the details were the doctors treating Marlena, the oncologist following her case, and Abe Carver, in whom John had confided from that first day at the hospital. Most figured it was the stress of Marlena’s admittedly difficult pregnancy thus far and some other illness. That was all they knew, but everyone the couple loved realized it was quite a serious situation, and they were all very concerned.
Laura Horton sat reviewing files in her office at the hospital when the telephone rang, “Hello, Dr. Horton..may I help you?”she answered professionally. All she heard were the soft cries of a woman she knew so well and she recognized them immediately. “Marlena…honey what’s wrong?”
“Oh, Laura…everything! It’s about John… I sent him away! Oh, Laura, it’s all such a terrible mess!” More crying followed those choked phrases.
“Are you at home Marlena?” Laura had been very concerned about her friend and had made several attempts to get her to open up about what was happening to her and with the marriage, but she had been tight-lipped until now.
“Yes….could you..please come over?” She was sobbing much more noticeably now.
“Of course, I’ll be there as soon as I can!” She told the secretary she had to go see someone on an emergency basis and to reschedule all her patients for the afternoon and then she rushed out to her car.
To Marlena it seemed like an eternity until her friend arrived, hurrying down the steps toward the gazebo. When Laura was close enough to her friend, she didn’t say a word, she just held out her arms and Marlena melted into the hug of comfort, still sobbing powerfully.
After a few minutes Laura said, “Okay sweety why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”
Marlena had bottled it all up and the words came tumbling out rapidly, “Oh Laura….it’s terrible, it’s like a nightmare come true! I.. I don’t know any easy way to say this. I…have…cancer, breast cancer.”
Suddenly, so many strange things that had happened during these past few weeks made sense in Laura’s curious mind. The tears she had seen in Marlena’s eyes for which there was always inadequate explanation, the awkwardness whenever she ran into the couple and the baby was mentioned, as it always was, the fact that in recent days they didn’t seem to be quite the smitten happy newlyweds everyone thought they would be for at least a year or so following the wedding. “So that’s what has been upsetting you so much lately. Oh, Marlena.. how long have you known? Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” she asked, somewhat frustratedly, but with much concern.
“Oh, it’s a long story, Laura.. I found out at the same time as I learned I was pregnant, and I would have had to terminate the pregnancy to start treatment. I…decided not to tell John about the cancer until I could figure out what I wanted to do about the baby. After a short while I…..knew that I was going to keep the baby and delay treatment, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell John because I knew what he would say. He would have bullied me into choosing an abortion so I could pursue treatment immediately, in order to save my life.”
“Oh.. honey… that must have so horrible.. And you’ve kept this to yourself all these weeks?”
She nodded, then said tearfully, “Now….it’s all such a mess! He pushed me to tell him that night when I had the problem with my blood pressure and my blood sugar. It was awful, Laura. He was devastated and he actually went down on his knees to beg me to have an abortion. Since then, he’s tried so hard to deal with it, I could see him struggling to respect my choice, but he just can’t accept it, Laura!. So, this morning I…told him to leave and I…..Oh, Laura I…had Mickey draw up…. legal separation papers because if John can’t…support me..in this pregnancy, I think…we’re… finished. Oh… what if I made a mistake?” Marlena started sobbing again and her friend just held her and let her cry it out. She needed this release now so that she could think more clearly and begin to manage her life, her marriage, the children and determine how to cope with the incredible stresses placed upon her.
Laura sighed with concern, and asked, “Oh, Marlena honey why didn’t you let me in on this, why didn’t you let me help? You know how much I care about you..don’t you?”
“Of course I do, it’s just we were trying to figure out what we were going to do about everything. Then we slowly just stopped communicating at all except about trivialities like the weather, his business dealings, my…work..what little I’ve been able to do lately.”
“I’m so sorry Marlena.. how did it get to this point?”
Marlena sighed exhaustedly and went on with the saga of their intense marital turmoil. “John won’t touch my belly; he can hardly even look at me, or talk about the pregnancy. So, I told him to either accept my decision and embrace this baby or get out. He said he couldn’t do that because every time he looks at me and every time we talk about the baby, he is reminded of Isabella’s illness and her death and his fear that he’ll lose me the same way. His perspective is that having the baby is killing me, so he can’t care about it anymore. This morning I gave him one last chance to change and he pleaded with me one more time to have an abortion and get treatment. Since there was no compromise to be made, that was it; I told him to leave and I said I would have Mickey send him the separation papers. I told him that he better sign them because the stress from his resistance to my wishes could cause me to lose the baby. I said I would never forgive him if that happened, so I think he’ll sign them immediately.”
Laura quietly absorbed that information then asked the only relevant question, “Are you sure that this is what you really want Marlena, you’re obviously torn up about all of this! Are you certain that you don’t want John or your marriage at all anymore?”
“Oh.. Laura… I still love him with all my heart, you have to know that. But, I can’t live like this! Every time he looks at me I can see in his eyes that he’s thinking of how he lost Isabella, and the possibility of losing me the same way is tearing him apart. John is so depressed Laura and so… angry about the cancer and he resents the baby. It’s so stressful for me; all it does is remind me of my own fears. The children have even picked up on the tension between us. Brady asked us why we don’t like each other anymore.”
“Oh…. honey.. I’m so sorry. But if you still love him…”
“Laura, think about it.. I can’t possibly carry this baby to term in that kind of atmosphere and I have made up my mind on that. I just can’t choose to kill a child, a child that comes out of the…. incredible bond of love John and I…share …even….to save my own life…and he just can’t accept that choice!” She shook her head as tears began to flow again, feeling such disbelief that the very love which created that new life was disintegrating so rapidly before her eyes. “And now… the love.. that made.. this little life.. inside of me… is.. falling apart!”
Laura wrapped her arms around her friend again and said, “I’m so sorry you had to choose and I will be here for you all the way through, but I don’t want to lose you either, Marlena and I’m angry too!” The two women hugged her other for a very long time and then sat together in silence…staring out into the water from their seats on the deck which overlooked the lake, contemplating what lay ahead for so many people who knew and loved John and Marlena Black. The issue of what to tell the family and specifically the children had not even been addressed, but it couldn’t be avoided for too much longer. Everyone would want to know why the couple was separating.
Three days later, John was living alone.. again. ‘Songs can illustrate the pain in life so clearly sometimes,’ he thought sadly, as the words to a Phil Collins song playing on his radio filled the air around him and penetrated his aching heart. “Throwing it All Away” was the title and it spoke volumes about his current situation, as he sat all alone in near darkness at the desk in his room at the Salem Inn:
As a summer thunderstorm that seemed to echo his own inner turmoil raged outside his window, John sat staring mournfully at the legal separation agreement he had received by courier earlier that afternoon. He was asking himself, ‘How could it possibly have come to this?’ as he immersed himself in countless memories of the early blissful days and weeks of their marriage and family life in the new house that had become a home very quickly. There were so…. many good times. Ice cream sundaes in the middle of the night, long luxurious bubble baths in their jacuzzi tub, whipped cream fights in the back yard, playing with the kids on all the climbing equipment and swing sets. Teaching Brady how to pitch a baseball and toss a football, helping Belle swing on the big kids swings and teaching both of them to swim in the pond. Splashing Marlena when she didn’t want to get her hair wet, lovemaking when the kids were asleep, nights when all they did was snuggle up and talk about all their hopes and dreams for the future. So many warm memories..all in the distant past it seemed. So many dreams that were dying now, dying like Marlena might… die… and a baby on the way. “Oh God! Please do something to save her! I love her and I can’t lose her! She is….everything to me! She is my whole life!!” John had not allowed himself to admit the truth of it, that Marlena had chosen to save the baby over herself, that she was truly willing to risk death to bring that new life into the world, a life that he was as much responsible for as she was and he….couldn’t handle that choice. He wanted her to live and was willing to let that other life be eliminated in order for that to happen. In his mind, she was choosing the baby over being with him and that hurt so badly. He couldn’t find it within himself to understand and support that decision, so there he sat, as alone and miserable as a man could be.
There was no compromise to be found in their standoff and so there he was staring down at the document that meant the beginning of the end of his short marriage to the only woman he had ever allowed to completely fill his heart and soul. There was an unbearable aching sensation throughout his entire being as he prepared to sign it. He was sorely tempted to rip the papers up and throw them out. Unfortunately, her last words to him echoed inside his brain and sent searing hot pain through his already wounded heart like a flaming arrow, “If you fight me on this, the stress from it could cause me to lose the baby and if that happens I will NEVER forgive you!” As he recalled that final bitter conversation in their new home, he looked down one last time and quickly signed his name on each sheet. Then he moved them out of the way, put his head down in his folded arms and let out an agonized cry originating from deep in his soul, “Ohhhh, Doc! How can this be happening? I love you so much!!” Then, John broke down, aching deep in his heart for the impending loss of the marriage, for the excruciating fear about the potential loss of her life, for all the helpless frustration and anger he hadn’t allowed himself to face completely since the day he learned about the cancer and her decision to forgo treatment in favor of maintaining the pregnancy.
Where Reality and Fantasy Merge
There was a fairly loud insistent knock on the door to his room at the Salem Inn, but it didn’t fully register in his brain, nothing did anymore. John Black was a mass of intolerable pain and loss. Without his wife, without the woman he loved and their children, nothing seemed to matter to him. One would think from looking at him that she had died, but it was only a separation. To him, it was essentially the same. He couldn’t see her or talk to her, he couldn’t hold her and make love to her, so she might as well have been gone forever, though he prayed constantly for her to be saved, for her cancer to be miraculously cured during the pregnancy.
Whoever it was would give up eventually, he thought, and he wouldn’t have to face the real world. After a minute or so, the knocking didn’t stop and it was becoming an irritant. “Go away… I told you I don’t want anything!” he yelled, thinking it was the maid service.. again. They wouldn’t leave him alone.
The next sound he heard was the door being opened and a familiar voice, saying, “Thank you… I’ve been.. concerned about him. I appreciate you letting me in like this.”
“You are welcome sir… He wouldn’t answer the door for the hotel staff either. I hope everything is all right with your friend,” said a pleasant voice.
Then the door shut and he heard footsteps coming toward him. He dreaded what he knew was to follow. It was his well meaning best friend coming to cheer him up again, or maybe to try and drag him out somewhere, as if that would take his mind off of her. What a joke.. nothing could do that. ‘Why couldn’t Abe just figure out that it was an impossible job and give it up? Why didn’t they all just leave him alone in his misery?’ he was asking, in his mind, as he turned his attention back to the television. He didn’t know the name of the show, but there were several couples in big trouble, worse than he was and somehow it was comforting to him.
It was disappointing for Abe to see how far John had fallen in the week or so that he had been separated from Marlena and the children and living at the Salem Inn. He was wearing the same clothes from the day before, he obviously hadn’t showered or shaved, and his hair was a total mess. John hadn’t even bothered to get it cut since the day he learned of the cancer a few weeks back and it was approaching the much longer lengths he used to sport, only it was in desperate needed of shaping up. The room itself wasn’t any better, as it was painfully clear that John hadn’t even let the maids in to clean it up or make the bed in days. There were dirty clothes strewn carelessly on the floor, empty pop cans and pizza boxes sitting on table tops… all of which was completely unlike the man John was before the crisis descended. Abe felt helpless, realizing that his best friend was slipping away a little more each day, and it saddened him as he watched the man staring intently at the small screen across the room. Thinking he could cajole John out of his self-imposed exile, he said, “John… come on.. buddy. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and go out to lunch with me? You hate these things,” he said referring to the program on the television.
“I always thought so.. but you know they kind of grow on you. This one’s got this.. couple… they’re always trying to get it together.. but something or someone always comes along to ruin things for them… Ring a bell, Abe? They’ve got it worse than Doc and me. They didn’t even make three months like we did…it kind of warms the heart to know I’m not the only miserable fool out here.”
It was downright sickening to see what his friend was doing with his life, or more accurately what he wasn’t doing with it ever since Marlena “kicked him out,” as John was prone to putting it. “Oh… John… this is so pathetic! You of all people lying around with nothing better to do than watch soap operas? Now, get off your rear end, go get a shower and come out with me!” Abe commanded.
Ignoring the concern his friend was trying to convey, John acted as though the program was holding his interest when they both knew better. “Sorry, I can’t do that… they’re just getting to the good part, Abe.. You see there’s this evil guy and his wife… and he’s got this plan to break them up… I gotta see it.” John resumed his reclined position and stared at the screen again, acting as if he were truly engrossed in the story.
Shaking his head in disgust, Abe said incredulously, “I can’t believe this… All right, John..go on… you just go ahead and spend your life alone and miserable, full of self pity. You can wallow in it, for all I care!” He waited for a second or two for his buddy to respond, but John didn’t say anything, choosing instead to refocus his full attention on the television, rather than reply to his friend’s challenging words. Abe subsequently turned and walked out the door, leaving his friend alone, as he seemed to want, though Abe knew it was the last thing John really needed or wanted. There had to be some way to break through the wall of bitter sadness John had erected around his heart, but his best friend hadn’t yet been able to identify it.
As soon as Abe was gone and the door shut behind him, John sat back against the couch and cried out for her… again. “Oh.. Doc.. I miss you so much!” The pain was becoming unbearable, wondering if she were okay, if the cancer were growing, how the baby was doing. Though he wouldn’t admit it to anyone and although he strongly resisted it, he thought about the baby sometimes, in spite of his concerted efforts not to think of it as a child, not to care about it. He sometimes wondered if it were a boy or a girl, how it would feel to touch Marlena’s belly and feel his child move within her womb, something he never had the chance to do when she carried Belle. And sometimes he thought about what it would look like, the pride and joy he would feel on the day it was born, as he imagined actually being there with Marlena, holding her hand, coaching her, and sharing the miracle of birth.. this time as the delighted father, subsequently watching her nursing their baby, taking turns rocking it to sleep.. singing lullabies. He even had visions of them gazing admiringly at their newborn, trying to discern whose nose, or whose eyes it had, whom the baby resembled in general, marveling at its tiny fingers and toes. There were so many magical moments he hadn’t been able to share with Marlena in the early months after Belle was born. Now, the opportunity was right in front of him, if he could only find it within himself to embrace that new life, and accept Marlena’s decision.
Suddenly, John realized that he was doing it again, daydreaming about the baby. He simply couldn’t allow that and scolded himself, ‘No.. stop it, John… you can’t let yourself love this baby.. you just can’t! If you allow yourself to love the baby.. you’ll be lost, you’ll give in and then.. you’ll lose Marlena.’
That internal dialogue he seemed to have so often lately returned at the least opportune moments, from his perspective anyway. ‘You’re going to lose her anyway.. you idiot.. you’re already separated!’The quiet voice seemed so condemning all of a sudden. ‘She is having your child, John…YOUR child. It is a baby you helped create and you KNOW you should love it.. regardless of whatever else is happening!’ said his own conscience, mixed with the voices of a friend or two. ‘How can you reject your own child? How can you let Marlena go through this alone?’
“She kicked me out! I begged her to let me stay!” he argued within himself. ‘No….at least admit to yourself, John.. you left her before she ever asked you to go.’
John couldn’t deal with the harsh reality of his situation any longer, so he used the remote to take the sound up so that all he could concentrate on was the fantasy world of daytime television. He listened intently to what the fictional characters were saying, pushing all other thoughts aside. “Steve… you know that I love her with all my heart.. but she doesn’t want me anymore… What can I do about it?”
“You can fight for her, damn it! I can’t believe that you’re giving up on her so easily. How can you just walk away without doing everything you can to make her happy? Joe.. you know in your heart and that thick head of yours, that you’ll never forgive yourself if you let her slip away without a fight!”
“Damn it… even the stupid soap operas won’t let me forget about her!” John said angrily, throwing the remote at the screen after shutting off the set.
Unexpectedly, there was a noise behind him; it was probably Abe again, he thought as he turned around, and he was correct. His friend had forgotten one item of information he meant to convey, “There’s something I forgot to tell you about before, something you need to know, John. Lexie told me that Marlena has an ultrasound scheduled for today. It’s in a couple of hours. I know she asked you to leave and you told her you couldn’t support her choice.. but damn it, I think you should be there anyway! She is your wife, and she’s having your child, John. It’s at 3:00 this afternoon. If you love her, if you meant what you said on your wedding day, you’ll be there. You do remember that, don’t you? Standing there next to me… waiting for the best thing that *ever* happened to you to come gliding gracefully down the aisle to you… If your vows were real to you, you’ll go, John.”
John offered up a lame excuse for not going, “But, Abe… she doesn’t want….”
Abe interrupted him, arguing firmly, “The hell she doesn’t… She NEEDS you, John.. that’s the bottom line. If you love her the way you always say you do, you’ll be there for her! Think about it!” His best friend said nothing further, walking out and leaving John to ponder what he’d said.
Marlena stood in the foyer of their home reviewing the mail, preparing to leave for her OB appointment. ‘So… that was it… from now on, she was alone to deal with her pregnancy, her cancer, her fears.. everything,’ she thought as she stared at the Separation Agreement. It was so official. John’s signature was perfect, as if he worked at making it appear legible. That unanswerable question returned once more, ‘How could this have happened? Our love was supposed to last forever… we promised we would never let anything come between us and now here we are… destroying it ourselves.’Wasn’t that an ironic twist of fate? No Dimera’s, no Roman, no guilt, just their own inability to handle the difficult and painful life circumstances in which they currently found themselves.
Marlena sighed exhaustedly and set the papers back down on the table. She snatched her keys, and headed out the door, stopping in front of the mirror to give herself a pep talk, saying, “You can do this, Marlena.. you’ve been alone before… you’re strong and you can manage. You don’t need him!”
Before she knew it, she was sitting in an examining room, waiting for Sarah Bader to arrive and begin the ultrasound. Marlena was excited, it was really the first time she was going to see her baby moving around on the screen. The other ultrasound had come much earlier, before the baby was really able to do anything, before it looked human. Now…. it would be perfectly formed and Sarah would point out the baby’s head, his/her beating heart and its tiny wiggly arms and legs.
In her mind, Marlena conjured up a beautiful dreamy vision. John was there holding her hand.. smiling, full of joy. They both were thrilled and they laughed and cried to see their tiny baby moving around across the screen. They agonized over whether to find out if it were a boy or a girl when the time came, and they thought about names.. all of it they did together. They looked forward to the baby’s birth with a tremendous sense of blissful anticipation and when it was born they snuggled up close and held each other and their newborn. John sat nearby in awestruck amazement as she nursed their second natural child, and then ran around the hospital passing out candy cigars, excitedly calling all their friends to give them the good news. These were experiences they would treasure for the rest of their lives. But… sadly none of that would happen. John wouldn’t have anything to do with her pregnancy or the child because in his mind, having the baby was killing her. Therefore, he couldn’t care for it, so he wouldn’t even be at this appointment, let alone for any of the rest of her fantasies.
It was in moments like this one that she most acutely felt the loss of the love that created the life growing inside her womb. All of a sudden, she found tears of overwhelming grief forming and beginning to fall and she cried out for her husband, “Oh.. John… I need you… where are you now?” All she knew was that he wasn’t there for her or their baby… How could she ever accept him back into her life, if he couldn’t be there at a time like this, at a time when she so desperately needed him?” She had sent him away, but his heart was already gone by the time she did. Moving out was merely a formality.
Marlena began to wipe away the tears and remove the sadness from her face as the door opened to admit Sarah Bader and her nurse, both of whom realized that their patient had been crying. “I’m sorry, Marlena.. I know this is hard to deal with, and that you wish John were here today,” Sarah said quietly, reaching out a hand to squeeze Marlena’s.
Marlena only nodded, as more tears formed in her profoundly disappointed eyes. Stemming the flow of moisture, she finally said, “Yes.. it is, but I’ll be alright, Sarah. I’ve been alone before.”
“Well, let’s get started.. are you ready to see your little guy or girl?” asked the nurse, hoping to break up the negative mind set.
A proud smile began to creep across the troubled features of the pregnant woman’s face, as she anticipated that moment. After taking one last lingering glance toward the door, as if still clinging to some infinitesimal glimmer of hope, Marlena finally answered, and her words were firm and positive, “Yes.. I’m more than ready, let’s go ahead.” She could do it alone, if that was what it took; she was determined to do whatever she had to in order to survive… the pregnancy, the cancer treatment, and the cancer itself. Marlena Evans was nothing else if not a survivor. She didn’t need a man, she didn’t need John Black. He could go to hell if he weren’t strong enough, for all she cared at the moment. ‘Coward!’ she was yelling at him in her mind, while waiting for the procedure to begin.
The nurse was smearing her belly with the gel that eased the movement of the instrument across her stomach, when there was a soft knock at the door, and then a hesitant voice, “May I come in.. please?”
Three heads turned and three voices responded in unison with pleasant surprise as they tentatively identified the fourth one, “John?”
Heard it Through the Grapevine
It was just after the lunch rush at the Brady Pub when Kimberly Brady and her parents Shawn and Caroline were standing around the bar, talking about the startling revelation of Marlena’s cancer and the separation from John. “I can hardly believe it.. Marlena… has breast cancer, she must be so frightened, ” said Caroline, still in shock about what she had learned a short time ago. So many unexplained incidents made perfect sense to her now; it was the reason John nearly collapsed at the hospital that night a few weeks ago and why he couldn’t tell them anything. It was the reason she hadn’t seen much of them or the children in recent days. “John said that was what he was afraid of, but I didn’t allow myself to think about it. Oh.. they were both so excited about the baby; they must be.. devastated by what’s happening.”
“And she’s decided to keep the baby and wait on having the treatment. Marlena has such amazing strength,” said Kimberly shaking her head admiringly. “I respect her for making that decision, but it couldn’t have been an easy choice for her to make or for John to accept, even though he loved the baby too.”
“No… but Marlena is so self-sacrificing, so willing to give up her own needs for others… it’s just like her to choose her child’s life over her own,” said Caroline, sighing sadly. She was still amazed by the inner strength and willingness to stand by the convictions of her heart as displayed by the woman Caroline loved as if she were a third daughter.
Still absorbing the shock of it and shaking his head… remembering the past, Shawn said, “And…John, the poor lad.. he must be suffering.. somethin’ terrible after what happened with Isabella. And with.. Marlena asking him to leave and all…”
Caroline replied worriedly, with some information about that, “Yes… he is. Abe was in a short time ago and he said John is completely devastated; he’s just lying around his room at the Inn, doing nothing.. watching soap operas.. of all things. Abe told us that when he stopped by the Inn earlier, John hadn’t shaved or showered and he was wearing his clothes from the day before.”
Laura, who arrived just as Caroline started to speak, was quite concerned about both of them. “Hello everyone..” They all acknowledged her presence with their eyes and waited for her to tell them what she had on her mind which she so obviously wanted to do. “I saw Marlena earlier… she’s putting up a brave front, but she’s so afraid and she needs him even though she asked him to leave. What are they going to do? Marlena told me she had Mickey draw up separation papers and John has already sent them back to her. It’s such a shame, they’re so much in love. There must be something we can do to help them through this.”
Sometimes life seemed to dish out pain and suffering in glaringly unequal portions. John and Marlena were a perfect example. They had endured great physical and emotional pain, the likes of which most people couldn’t even begin to imagine and it made John’s adoptive sister angry. “It’s just not fair… they’ve both suffered so much already.. I don’t understand how God could let this happen! Don’t they deserve some peace and happiness after everything they’ve been through to be together?” questioned Kimberly bitterly, knowing her mother would probably say something to the effect that God still loved them and that he would get them through this crisis too.
Caroline was ready to attempt to offer some words of wisdom, some proclamation of faith. Believing in God’s goodness and mercy was what enabled her to survive emotionally. She too had suffered tremendous pain and loss in her life as well as stood by while those she loved were troubled, and she needed her faith to endure and keep going, relying heavily on prayer in times of tribulation. This was no different to her, though she too found herself questioning why the couple who had given so much, who had sacrificed their own wants and needs for a very long time, couldn’t seem to find any lasting peace and safety in their lives. After more than a decade of separation, they had finally found their way back to each other and were joined in marriage. And now.. this seemingly unresolvable dilemna was thrust upon them so soon after starting their new life together.They were just begining to solidify as a family with their two young children when yet another crisis descended. Belle and Brady were suffering too and no one had even mentioned them yet.
Looking at her mother as she was about to open her mouth, Kimberly warned her off, “And.. don’t you tell me that things happen for a reason, and we have to have faith and look for the good that can come out of this. There is no good in this kind of pain!” With that, Kimberly, who was normally not a reactionary person, got up and stormed out of the Pub, leaving the others slightly shellshocked.
At the same time as that conversation was taking place, Bo Brady and Abe Carver were sitting in Abe’s office at the Salem Police Department, not talking about police business. Bo was angry and frustrated, walking around the room as he spoke, needing to vent before going to see the object of his ire. “Man…I can’t believe this, Abe.. Why didn’t he tell me what was going on? We’ve been… close since the wedding… real close Abe. I can’t believe I had to hear this through the Brady grapevine!”
“Bo… he couldn’t tell anybody, at least not at first because she told him not to, and besides that…he was a wreck. The only reason I knew was because I was there at the hospital the night he found out about the cancer. He pushed Marlena to tell him what was wrong and he was…destroyed by it.” Remembering that night vividly, the pain that radiated from deep inside the soul of his best friend, Abe said, “You should have seen him Bo. I felt so bad for him. He’s so scared he’s going to lose her. I’ve never seen him like that before.”
Bo nodded with understanding and sat down on the corner of his desk, remembering when John learned his wife of only a month or two had pancreatic cancer and that it was fatal. “I remember when it was Isabella. He was… wasted by it, and he went all over the place trying to find a doctor who could help her. I can only imagine how he felt when Marlena told him she was sick. Oh, man.. he loves her so much.. She’s his whole world, Abe.. I gotta tell you.. if he loses Marlena, now.. after everything he’s been through… I don’t know if he can.. survive it.”
Abe seemed to be lost in thought, then finally responded, agreeing with that concern, “I know… Bo, that night.. I know he was really upset and he probably didn’t really mean much of what he was saying, but he said.. if she dies…”
“What Abe?” Bo asked fearfully, feeling in his gut what his boss was about to tell him.”
Sighing worriedly, Abe recounted what John blurted out in his distraught state of mind that night, “I’ll just quote him, Bo. He said… I swear it Abe, if Doc dies, I’m going with her.”
Shutting his eyes, Bo’s mind took him back several years to a frightening moment in time. After blowing out a long breath, he shared the incident with his friend, “Oh, Abe.. I never told anybody this… but.. he tried once… right after Isabella died, or at least he seriously thought about it. I… found him at the loft, sitting alone in the dark. I was on the boat.. missing Isabella and thinking about him, and I just had this strange feeling that he needed me.. you know… so I went over there. Abe, he didn’t answer the door, but it was open so I just walked in. He was sitting on the couch, he had his gun in his hands and he was playing with it, flipping it over and over, staring at it…. When I asked him about it, he tried to tell me he was going to clean it, but.. we both knew. We talked… for hours that night. Nothing like that ever happened again, but I still wonder sometimes.. if I hadn’t gone over there.. what might have happened.”
Abe shuddered just to hear it… “Bo.. my head has been telling me it was just because he was really upset and it didn’t mean anything.. but my gut tells me to be afraid for him.”
“Yea.. I know… it’s not something you want to believe. John doesn’t seem the type, but I think we need to watch him. How’s he taking the separation so far?” Bo asked, guessing before he got the answer, since he hadn’t seen nor heard from his adoptive older brother in days.
Recalling John’s disheveled appearance at their last contact, Abe said, “About like you’d expect… horrible. He’s hardly been out of his room at the Inn. I went over there late this morning and he was a total wreck. He was lying around watching soap operas for God’s sake and he hates those things. He hasn’t shaved since she asked him to leave, he was wearing the same clothes from the day before… and he..”
Bo nodded knowingly, and said, “I get the picture.. It sounds like he needs a kick in the pants from his younger brother. I’ll see you back here soon and then I’ll be ready to talk business.”
Not the least bit concerned about the time Bo was going to be away from the job, Abe started to make a request about their mutual friend, “Bo… tell him…”
Bo Brady nodded slightly and acknowledged what his friend and Commander wanted to say, “I know.. you love him too, Abe. I’ll tell him.” Abe smiled weakly, thankful for the friendship they shared that went beyond the workplace issues.
Over at Salem University Hospital, Abe’s wife Lexie Carver was on an early afternoon break, talking with Mike Horton and Carrie Brady. She was replying to a comment made by her friend Mike, “I know.. I just feel.. so guilty, and I can’t help it. Here I am.. healthy and whole.. my pregnancy is progressing perfectly and they’re suffering so.. terribly. Oh.. Carrie.. I’m so sorry.. they don’t deserve all this pain. They should be allowed to share their joy about having another child, about finally being married after so much time apart. It just seems so unfair!”
Understanding how the woman was feeling, but wanting her to enjoy her own happiness, Carrie said, “Yes.. it is, Lexie… but it’s not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If Marlena has a hard time being around you now.. it has nothing to do with you. It’s about what she’s going through.. you must know that.”
Lexie sighed tiredly, feeling the loss of their time together, “I do know that.. but I miss her. We used to have such wonderful talks and I thought we were going to share this experience. I just feel.. so bad for her.” She thought of John.. and how happy he was when he first talked about having another child, how he was looking forward to being there every step of the way.. like he couldn’t be when Marlena carried Belle. “And.. I feel horrible for John too. He was so.. thrilled about the baby.. Have either of you seen him.. since the separation?”
Mike nodded and looked to Carrie, whom he knew was hurting too, squeezing her hand comfortingly. “I have… he’s a mess, Lex… I tried to get him to go out with me the other day.. just for a meal, a drink… anything, but he wouldn’t go. He’s so afraid he’s going to lose her and he’s fallen into despair about being apart from her. I could tell he hadn’t done much of anything since she asked him to leave.”
Carrie found herself fighting back the tears again. She had cried several times a day since she heard about the gut wrenching situation the two people she loved like parents were dealing with. “He’s so angry about this.. He doesn’t understand how God could let it happen after everything they’ve been through. And he’s hurt by her asking him to leave even though he understands the reason, and.. he feels so helpless.. just like he did when Isabella got sick. He talked to me about all that… when I went over there the last time. John told me about how he had.. hope.. even when she told him it was incurable and he was devastated when he finally accepted that he was wrong and faced the fact that she was really dying. Oh.. he’s so… afraid to let himself hope this time. John believes that if she waits until the pregnancy is over, she’s going to die. It’s almost like he’s given up and he’s starting to grieve for Marlena when she’s still alive and well.”
Mike added his assessment of his friend and patient, “And.. Marlena… she acts so brave and strong.. but she’s scared too and she needs his support to get through this pregnancy. I wish there were some way to force the issue with him, to help him see past his fear of losing her to be there for her now… for whatever time they have together.”
Lexie added her assessment, shaking her head and saying, “Mike.. I don’t know if that’s really possible.. If he hadn’t lost Isabella to cancer…. I’d say that it could happen, but I know that he’s been reliving all that pain and it’s just unbearable for him to think of Marlena suffering like that, being helpless to do anything about it. Just talking about the baby reminds him he might lose her in the same way. Even if he tries.. I don’t know if he can ever really support the pregnancy.”
Carrie couldn’t take it anymore and cried out in her fearful sadness, “Oh.. it’s impossible… it’s just an impossible situation and it makes me so.. angry for them! They are so good and so much in love… and they’ve been through so much to be together. I just don’t understand how God could let this happen! Someone please tell me.. why can’t they have a chance to be safe and happy.. for once in their lives?” When she finished, she rushed off down the hallway, wishing she could find it within herself to pray and at the same time not believing it would do any good.
Mike looked at Lexie and they both knew.. even though he had been trying to keep his distance from Carrie, this was one time he couldn’t let her be alone. He had to go after her and give her the love and support she needed, even if it made staying away from her that much harder for him. Mike Horton was a man who cared deeply for people and if Carrie needed him, he would be there for her, whatever it cost him personally.
Nick of Time?
John arrived just in the nick of time. It was perfect timing, actually; the screen came on as he entered the examining room, much to the amazement of the three female occupants. He felt very self-conscious as three sets of eyes bore a hole right through him, assessing his motivation, his commitment and sincerity. “Uh.. hi, I’m not too late, am I?” he asked, as sweetly and innocently as possible, hoping to deflect any condemnation they might be feeling towards him.
“No… you’re not too late, John. You’re just in time, we were about to get started with the ultrasound,” said a stunned Dr. Bader, speaking for her patient, who was positively shocked to see her husband step through the door. After what Marlena had told her of his reaction to the decision to keep the baby, she didn’t expect to see the man at any of the upcoming OB appointments, let alone one as emotionally charged as an ultrasound. Those were moments when an unborn child became so much more real to both the expectant mother and father, when the love that created the child was so clearly evident.
Observing John as he gazed intently at the small screen, searching for his tiny offspring in the making, Sarah had a hunch that this couple would be no different. She smiled at the thought that maybe this would be the time when the couple turned the corner and John was somehow able to accept and respect Marlena’s choice. Dr. Bader, her nurses and the oncologist and surgeon following her situation, believed Marlena needed his support in order to emotionally survive the rough months ahead, and all of them had been hoping that he would come around at some point in the very near future.
Marlena began to weep again, this time for joy, as John stepped up close to her, placing his hand tentatively over hers. She didn’t say anything, choosing instead to gaze into his eyes, letting him know how much it touched her heart that he had decided to come to share this very important moment of the pregnancy. It was one of the most powerful and meaningful moments of the entire relationship with their unborn child. In that split second exchange of silent communication, John acknowledged in his heart that if he had made the wrong choice, he might have lost her forever. He returned her loving gaze and then leaned in for a brief but soft kiss, one that promised more if she wanted it when they next shared some time alone together.
Feeling almost like voyeurs, Sarah and her nurse Carol looked away and then Sarah finally broke up the moment, saying, “Well, John we’re glad you’re here and we’ll be glad to give you some time alone with your wife when we’re finished here. Let’s get started, shall we?”
John cleared his throat, not able to meet the woman’s eyes, “Oh.. yea.. sorry about that, but it’s been.. We…uh..” he started, but then let the words trail away and averting his gaze, feeling slightly embarrassed.
Marlena giggled a little bit, and then answered for them, “Uh… yes.. please Sarah.. let’s have a peek at our little one.” She held John’s hand firmly in hers as they looked toward the monitor.
Within a few seconds, Dr. Sarah Bader had her pointer out and was telling them, “There’s the head and the heart…. do you see them?”
“Oh I do… John.. honey.. look, there’s our little baby!” Marlena said with great excitement, squeezing her husband’s hand.
His eyes sparkled, and his heart felt the bond his mind had been trying so hard to deny was there inside him. “Yea… wow… it’s so tiny… I’d forgotten. Look at that little heart pumping so fast… it’s really amazing, isn’t it?” he asked her as a joyful tear or two began to form.
“Yes.. life is a miracle.. a gift from God, John.. This baby is God’s gift to us…you know that.. don’t you?” she said with conviction, wishing he would agree wholeheartedly after seeing their child moving inside her womb.
Though he didn’t know why.. that was all it took for John to be reminded of their impossible plight.. the baby that was a gift from the Lord was also what might ultimately be responsible for taking the woman he loved from him. John knew beyond all conceivable doubt that he couldn’t live without her warm loving presence, without her by his side to face all the joys and sorrows life had to offer. The doctors hardly noticed it, but Marlena saw it happening right before her eyes, as he pulled back his hand and took less than half a step away. He was withdrawing from the child because of what it might mean for her. Marlena took advantage of the prevailing mood to beseech him to see it her way, “John… the baby *is* a gift to us, you can’t deny that, not in your heart, John… Look at it, honey.. look at the screen again and see the child created from the glorious bond we’ve shared all these years. This baby represents our everlasting love, John… and we will live on through all of our children. No matter what happens.. I will live on in Belle and this little person who is growing inside of me, this precious new life that will enter the world in a few short months. Honey, that’s a miracle and we need to celebrate it.”
She could see the moisture forming in his fearful blue eyes, she could literally feel how torn he was, how much he wanted to love the baby now that it was becoming real to him. He glanced back and forth between the woman he loved so deeply he didn’t know where he left off and she began, and the tiny person on that screen, then nodded as a tear slipped out and slowly made it down his cheek. “I know.. you’re right..” was all he said, and then he stepped closer to her again and placed his arm gingerly around her shoulders to embrace her, hoping she wouldn’t reject the contact. Marlena welcomed it instead and he sighed with a mixture of emotions. John did love the baby.. he couldn’t deny it any longer.. but still.. when he thought about what it might mean to keep it, he felt the fear rising; the possibility of losing her was unbearable to consider. Wondering what the ultimate outcome of that conversation would be, the doctor let them watch for a moment longer while she recorded all the proper measurements that indicated how the baby was developing.
The doctor’s appointment was wonderful and it was glorious to see the child formed out of their love, the way it should have been with Belle, but now it was time for the moment of truth. Sarah Bader and her nurse Carol, who had informed them that everything was progressing nicely with the pregnancy thus far, had packed up the equipment and left them alone to discuss their future. Marlena dressed while John waited outside the privacy curtain in the examining room. She stepped out and waited for him to make the first move. There was such nervous tension in the air as neither knew quite what was going to happen next, or what to say that might bring about healing in the relationship.
Finally, John gazed at her somewhat hesitantly and said softly, “I’ve missed you, Marlena.. I love you.. more than ever and I want to come home. Doc.. will you please take me back?”
Looking into his sincere but still apprehensive face, searching for his true perspective on the baby, she set down the challenge, “I love you too.. honey.. you know I do, but if you want to come back home… you have to make me a promise, a promise that you won’t ever break, John… I don’t want to hear you say one more word about me having an abortion so that I can pursue the cancer treatment right away. That decision has been made and there is no going back; you have to find a way to accept it. Can you make me that promise, John?” she asked, her determination quite evident in her strong body posture. There was no compromising. She would not endure the stress of his pleading with her to change her mind; she deserved better, the baby deserved better……
He agonized over it again… he wanted to do what she asked of him, to fully embrace the pregnancy and all that went with it, all that it meant in terms of their potentially limited time together, but he couldn’t find it within himself. Images of Marlena dying in much the same way as Isabella flashed in his head almost on cue, and he shook his head slightly, wishing he could do what she wanted. His expression one of anxious anticipation, he spoke in a quavering tearful voice, saying through trembling lips, “I… I… can’t….promise, Doc… I’m sorry, but I just.. can’t!”
Marlena sighed wearily and nodded, her eyes filled with mournful tears as well, but said in a matter of fact manner, “That’s it, then… I’m sorry… but you can’t come home. My focus, my priority.. has to be on this baby… Goodbye, John.” Without another word, she stepped out of the room and walked away from him, leaving him alone to face the painful consequences of his inability to abide by her wishes.
Though he knew it was coming as soon as he’d given his answer, it still hurt him to the core of his being and he started to cry, calling out desperately to her retreating form, “No, No.. Doc… don’t go.. please.. don’t leave! Stay and talk to me!” Even as the tears continued to fall from her disappointed eyes, she shook her head and kept on walking. Their fantasy moment was over; it was back to real life, for both of them.
John sank down onto one of the small bench style couches that littered the hospital waiting areas, buried his head in his hands and grieved the loss again, “Oh.. Doc… I love you.. I love you so much! Oh, God… please help us!”
Fallout And Friendship
Marlena was still in shock… she was alone again and it didn’t make any sense at all. One minute they were holding hands, embracing and feeling full of joy, watching their unborn child on a ultrasound screen and seemingly in the next, the moment she had fantasized about was over. They were back to reality and he was gone… his heart torn between her and their unborn baby. John just couldn’t completely accept her choice. Both of them were alone and hurting while they were still so much in love. What a paradox that was… it didn’t seem possible to hurt this much. It was worse than when they were apart and not able to be together because of the guilt, or Kristen, or Roman, or even Stefano’s machinations. This was infinitely worse because they were doing it to themselves. All their hopes and dreams were right there within their grasp and they were letting those dreams slip through their fingers.
John Black was staring out at the murky waters the Salem River… again. God.. it was seemingly all he ever did these days..nothing seemed to matter, nothing made sense anymore. It had been right there.. the moment he’d prayed about for over a week and he’d blown it. Slamming his hand against a piling he shouted at himself in frustration, “Damn it! I should have promised her… I should be able to give her what she wants.. what she needs…” ‘Why, John? Why can’t you accept it?’ he was asking himself and then he answered out loud, not knowing someone was standing there listening to the whole episode, “I can’t accept it because she’s gonna die if I do!!”
Hearing two forceful voices arguing with his assertion made him jump, “You don’t know that, John.. she might be okay.. It’s a risk and it’s scary as hell, but you love her!”
“Yea man.. that’s what a marriage is all about, staying when it’s scary… when you feel like your heart is gonna break.. when all seems lost.. you STAY because you said the vows, John!”
It was Bo and Abe, and they were there to make him realize what he was doing to her and to himself as well. Lexie had seen Marlena leaving the hospital in tears, and learned what had happened after the ultrasound. Something his erstwhile brother said struck a very raw nerve and John fired back, “Oh.. yea…like you’re the one to talk about marriage and commitment, Bo… after what you just did to Hope and Billie!”
It felt like he’d been punched in the gut; Bo already felt horrible about that whole sorry mess, for hurting Hope and Billie, for the fact that they’d lost the baby. “Alright, I’ll agree I deserved that one.. but you have a chance to salvage your marriage and your child; we’re here to help you save you from your own foolish pride.”
Shaking his head in utter frustration, he said bitterly, “Just leave me the hell alone.. this has nothing to do with pride, and besides there’s nothing anybody can do now, except God.. and he doesn’t seem to be listening to me these days.. Maybe he’s still mad because I left the priesthood or something,” John said sarcastically with an odd smile that was only there to cover the deep pain he was feeling.
Bo was still stinging from John’s scathing criticism and fired off a snide remark, intending to jar his brother out of his self-pitying mode. Jabbing a finger toward John’s chest, he said, “Jeez, John.. you sound so pathetic. The only thing keeping you from being with the woman you love, the only one messing up your family life right now is YOU!”
The fear, anger and helpless frustration seemed to erupt from somewhere deep inside him and he let it all go at his adoptive brother and his best friend, ” Just who in the HELL do you think you are!! You have NO idea what I’m going through right now! I have.. lost almost everyone and.. everything I EVER loved.. for one reason or another, and now.. when I finally thought things were going to settle down and I might have a shot at some real happiness for a change…. it’s happening all over again! I am SO DAMN ANGRY!! and it hurts so much… to be apart from Doc…. So… don’t you *dare* come around and preach at me… making it seem like all I need to do is go home and pretend that everything is fine! It’s not fine and it might not ever be!! There are no easy answers here!” The tears of anger and that sense of overwhelmingly helpless fear were always right there, ready to flow. This time was no different, but by some miracle he held them back.
Abe responded to that outburst of emotions, speaking calmly and softly, in direct contrast to John’s extreme frustration and the underlying current of fear, “No.. there aren’t and you’re right, John…we have no idea what you’re going through right now, but we know you’re both hurting and that you’re both still very much in love with each other. We care, John… we care very much about both of you.. Marlena has a lot of support from the women in her life, now that’s it out in the open, but you’ve been isolating yourself since she asked you leave the house. You’ve been going through this thing alone. We want to help, John, and we aren’t going to let you push us away.”
Bo could literally feel his adoptive brother’s pain when he looked in those moist disheartened blue eyes. Putting his hand on John’s shoulder, Bo softened his approach as well, and said, “Yea.. man.. you can yell, and scream and cuss us out, but we’re not leaving you alone to deal with the pain. We’re gonna be here for you, whether you like it or not.”
His blood pressure was dropping steadily as Abe and then the younger man he loved like a brother spoke of their concern for his suffering. His heart rate slowed in time, and his breathing was more controlled, to the point where he could appear rational again. Sighing exhaustedly, he shot them both a look of apology and sat down hard on the bench. “I’m sorry about blowing up at you guys like that.. I guess this thing is really getting to me.. Can you please forgive me?”
Bo had recovered from the caustic remark, saying, “Of course we can, John.. come on.. bro.. talk to us..”
John sighed dejectedly, and replied with a resigned tone of voice, “There really isn’t much to say… she asked me to make her a promise today after the ultrasound and I couldn’t do it.. so I can’t come home.. it’s that simple.” The tears returned, and hard as he fought them back, they seemed to fight harder and were on the verge of spilling out when Bo sat down next to his brother and put his arm over John’s slumped shoulders.
“What was it, John.. what was the promise?” Abe asked as he sat on the other side. He had a good clue, but sensed John’s need to talk about the incident.
His mind took him back in time just a couple of hours ago, and a trace of a smile could be seen as he recalled holding her hand and looking at their child together, and then it disappeared in favor of an agonized frown. As the memory of the scene before she walked away played inside his mind, John told them quietly, “She wanted me to promise not to say one more word about her having an abortion in order to pursue cancer treatment. “Oh.. Abe..Bo..I really wanted to tell her I could keep that promise.. but I flashed on these images.. of Izzy B dying..and then I had this picture of Doc’s face.. she was so thin..so weak… and she was the one dying… and I just couldn’t do it, Abe… I just.. couldn’t do it!” The moisture finally forced its way out making light streaks down his flushed cheeks, and the fear and sadness took over as he stated the awful end result of his inability to make that vow to the woman he loved with every part of himself. “And now.. I’m losing her anyway.. Oh, God… I’m gonna lose her anyway!” John dropped his head and held it between his hands, feeling a greater sense of helplessness than he ever remembered experiencing in all of the life that he could recall.
His friends nodded with comprehension; it was truly an impossible dilemma for a man to have to face with the woman he loved. If he stopped fighting her and went along with her choice, in John’s mind it meant accepting the fact that she might die and leave him with three children to raise by himself. But, if he couldn’t find it within himself to embrace the pregnancy, he was going to lose her because she couldn’t live under the same roof with him and endure the stress of his pleading with her to change her mind. And, chances were she might not ever take him back because of his inability to be there for her during such a crucial and painful period of her life. Either way… John believed he would lose his best friend, his lover, his soul mate… and his heart was breaking a little more each day they were apart.
Marlena nearly made it to her office when both Laura and Maggie, who were meeting to discuss ways to help the couple and had been alerted by Lexie Carver, caught up with her. She was sobbing by this point, having maintained her composure as long as she could. The two women gathered her up and ushered into her office and put out the “In Session” sign, so as not to be disturbed. At first, all Marlena could do was weep. She wept for what they were missing out on because of the apparently irresolvable conflict they were experiencing, and she wept for the fear John was feeling, and finally Marlena wept for herself. She wept about the possibility of having her life cut short, and for the potential scenario of delivering a healthy child and then beating the cancer, but losing her marriage to the man she loved with all of her heart, in the process.
As they glanced at each other with worry in their eyes, Laura and Maggie sent the nonverbal message saying they understood why this release was so powerful and so necessary. The contrast of having John by her side during the ultrasound and then having to walk away only served to accentuate the pain they were both feeling. Her friends guessed the reason the couple wasn’t together, but Laura asked the question anyway, believing the weeping woman needed to talk about it with someone. She had been so strong and self-sufficient, but this was unimaginably painful for her and she needed their support, whether she openly acknowledged it or not. “Marlena.. honey…please tell us what happened,” Laura said softly, as a hand went instinctively to her best friend’s shoulder.
“Oh..Laura.. I’m trying to be strong through all of this… but it’s so hard. I was at my OB appointment just now… and at the last minute, John came in and joined me.. It was wonderful… we were holding hands.. and then.. he held me and I thought… that he was… going to accept my choice. He seemed so.. touched, so.. enthralled when he was watching the baby moving around on the screen. Then… when it was over, I asked him to promise me never to bring up the subject of abortion again, and he couldn’t do it. He… couldn’t make me the promise and so… I told him… he couldn’t come home.” The hopeless tears made a steady stream down her already moist red cheeks.
“Oh.. sweety… that must have been so difficult for you… for both of you,” said Maggie in commiseration as she placed her arms around her long time friend. Laura moved in closer too, her heart aching for the pain both Marlena and John were feeling.
Marlena nodded tearfully, shaking her head, still having a hard time believing what had happened. “I hated turning him away.. his heart is breaking.. you should have seen the wounded look in his eyes when I told him he couldn’t come home.” Suddenly, her own pain and frustration flared and she said, “Oh… I know he’s hurting too and he’s afraid of losing me, but damn it, so am I! I’m afraid of losing the baby and I’m afraid of keeping it. I’m afraid I won’t see my child’s first birthday, and even if I do manage to carry this baby to term, I’m afraid I’m going to lose what I have with John in the process of making this choice. It’s just so horrible!” she cried disconsolately.
Laura and Maggie looked to each other, wishing there some magical healing words they could utter that would make it all better. Knowing there weren’t, they just held her when she cried and tried to encourage her to follow her heart.
“My heart…. that’s the problem… my heart is torn in two, just like John’s is. Part of me wants to do what he asks. I know this is just… tearing him apart inside… and the memories of Iosing Isabella… are so painful for him. I know that he’s so afraid of losing me the same way and it’s hard for him to accept my decision because of it, but I can’t take the life of an innocent child, a child that comes from our love… to spare him that pain. It just wouldn’t be right… I know it wouldn’t!” The more she dwelled on what was happening between herself and the man she loved, the more the sobs of grief seemed to take control of her and finally she gave in and broke down completely in the arms of her two dearest friends.
One minute Marlena seemed to be getting her emotions under control, the sobs lessening in their intensity. She was beginning to calm down and asked her friends to give her a few minutes after which she would go with them to get something to eat as they suggested. Then, suddenly as Maggie and Laura began to step toward the door to give her that time, Marlena was doubling over and clutching at her abdomen; the stress was apparently just too much for her to handle without some complications. “Oh my God… it’s the baby… Oh my God!! she cried out in terror. Maggie and Laura were at her side, catching her as her eyes rolled back in her head, just before she went down and out. They carried her limp form to the couch and Laura rushed out the door to the nearest nurses’ station to call for a gurney and to alert Mike and Sarah of their patient’s medical crisis.
Just a moment or two before his cell phone rang, John stood up abruptly and his eyes went wide open with horror. He felt as though his gut was being turned inside out. He clutched at it as a ragged breath escaped his lungs, nearly knocking him to the ground. It alarmed his friends who had to steady him. “John… what is it?” asked Abe… worriedly while holding his buddy upright, wondering if his best friend were sensing something about Marlena, as he sometimes did under extreme circumstances.
Immersed in the spirit connection he felt, John’s eyelids fluttered rapidly and his voice sounded strangely hollow for the words he uttered, “It’s Doc… something’s wrong… something’s terribly wrong. She’s in pain.. I.. I can feel it… She’s afraid.. I.. uh, I.. gotta go to her!” In the next instant, his cell phone rang, as if on cue.
It was Maggie, who wasted no time on pleasantries, “John… you need to come to the hospital right away… Marlena and the baby are in serious trouble… hurry John!”
He responded to the caller by rote and closed up the phone, looking into two very concerned faces that asked an unspoken question. “It’s the baby.. Marlena’s in trouble.”
His buddies looked at each other for one second and then turned to John saying, “We’re taking you… let’s go!”
Realizing it was no time for arguments, John nodded silently and raced for the stairs, the other two men hot on his heels. Within seconds they were in Abe’s unmarked cruiser with sirens blaring and the red light flashing. ‘No better use of that thing,’ thought Abe, as he watched his best friend who was leaning back in the seat. His eyes were shut tight, his breathing was shallow and rapid, and John was clenching his fist, obviously feeling intense fear about what might be happening to Marlena. Then suddenly it dawned on Abe what he was seeing. “John… this isn’t your fault…. you have to know that.”
Without opening his eyes or turning his head, John asked angrily… “Isn’t it, though? I gave her the impression that I was accepting her choice.. by going to that ultrasound, and then I broke her heart, Abe. God… if I… Oh.. if anything happens to her..or the baby because of the stress I put on her… Oh God… I’ll never forgive myself!” he cried fearfully. ‘And, she might not either..’ said that quiet little voice in the back of his head.
“Stop it, John… you just stop right there. There are any number of reasons why she might be having trouble that are completely unrelated to stress, so just knock it off. Besides, blaming yourself for what’s happening doesn’t do any good. You just concentrate on being there for her now.”
He sighed exhaustedly and then agreed, “Yea.. you’re right… I’m just really worried about her and I hope it wasn’t because of what happened between us earlier.”
Marlena was coming around slowly, overwhelmed by all the attention and movement surrounding her. There were seemingly a dozen medical professionals all around her, some hooking up fetal monitors, others establishing IV’s, others trying to take her vital signs, and so many other tests. She labored to open her eyes and look out of them, to focus on something, anything at all. Finally, she was staring into a kind face, that of a good friend as well as her doctor, “Sarah? What… what happened?” she asked tentatively, a part of her not wanting to know.
Seeing the fear in her patient’s eyes, Sarah placed a comforting hand on Marlena’s shoulder, and said, “Shh… just take it easy… you’re going to be all right… you had some pain… and then you fainted… I think it was just the stress.. but we’re checking things out right now… You just lie back and try to relax.”
“What about the baby?” she asked, frightened to learn the answer, but needing to know.
No sense in alarming her without the facts. “So far… everything seems to be alright, we’ve got the fetal monitor going and we’ll know something definitive very soon. The best thing you can do is lie down and try very hard to remain as calm and relaxed as you can.. okay?”
“I know… I’ll try.. Listen..Sarah, has… did you..” she stopped.. not wanting to hear that answer either.. Of course she hadn’t spoken to John. The patient herself had just rejected him, leaving them both in tears… he was probably all alone with his own fears right now.
Surmising exactly what Marlena was trying so delicately to ask, Sarah said, “Maggie called him.. he’s on his way over here right now.”
The look of relief on her patient’s face was truly remarkable. “He loves you so much, Marlena… he won’t abandon you when you need him the most, not unless you want him to..”
Marlena took a defensive tone, firing back at her doctor, “What do you mean by that?”
Very calmly Sarah replied, “I mean.. I understand what you’re going through.. but I also see his side of things. He’s petrified of losing you the way he lost Isabella and he’s trying very hard…to love this baby.. but every time he thinks of you carrying it to term several months from now.. he thinks of losing you and that idea is tearing him apart. At least he was honest with you today….”
“Yes.. he was..and I’m glad for that. Oh, Sarah…. you know I love him with all my heart.. but I don’t know what to do either. I love our baby, and I know a part of him does too. I want him to come home, but it’s just so stressful to deal with all of his fears and mine, and somehow maintain a positive attitude about this pregnancy. Can’t you understand that?”
“Yes… I can, Marlena… Just do me one favor.. let him be there in whatever way he can be right now.. You need each other very much… I hate to see you torn apart by something like this when it’s so obvious that you love each other more now than you ever have before.”
She flashed a weak smile, thankful for the objective point of view. “Okay… I’ll try… Thank you, Sarah for helping me see his perspective a little better. I appreciate it very much.”
“Don’t mention it, Marlena… I’ll be back soon to check on you.” Marlena watched as her physician exited the room, thinking how fortunate she was to have a doctor she could be so open with; not many patients had that opportunity. “Oh.. John.. I do need you, now more than ever.. please find a way to accept this choice,” she was saying while holding her belly protectively. “I love this baby and I’m not giving it up.”
As soon as they pulled up into the ER entrance, John was jumping out of the car and running as fast as he could into the waiting area, scanning for anything or anyone who would give him a clue about Marlena’s whereabouts or condition. He was about to start yelling, when he ran smack dab into Laura, Maggie and Sarah. John didn’t waste one second on a greeting, “Where?” was all he said, and they pointed to one of the examining rooms. John nodded, took one moment to compose himself and entered with as calm a demeanor as possible under the circumstances.
“Hey.. Doc.. I hear you decided to take a little unexpected nap in the middle of the day.. how are you feeling?” he asked, putting an hand on her shoulder, running it up and down the arm.
Her smile was faint, but it was there. He could still make her feel better even in the worst of times. For that, she was thankful, but didn’t say that, responding instead to his question, “I’m okay right now, or so they tell me.” She didn’t say the other part… making him ask.
Taking her left hand in both of his, he asked tentatively as his eyes went to her abdomen, “And the baby?” The way he said it, she couldn’t tell if he were wishing she’d lost it or hoping it was alright. That was all it took to remind her of their dilemma and the impasse they had reached on what to do about it. Her earlier willingness to allow him to be by her side during this crisis vanished that quickly.
“What answer do you want, John?” she said confronting him bluntly, snatching her hand back and not quite knowing where the ire came from. “Would you be happy if I said I lost our baby?”
John was shocked she would take this approach when she was so obviously frightened and needed him. But, maybe that fear was what sparked it… In any case he tried to answer, but was cut off in mid-sentence by more of the same, “Doc… you know.. that wouldn’t make me.. happy. I love our baby too…. It’s just that..”
“It’s just that you want me to kill it!” she yelled, pulling further away from his touch. She couldn’t forget all those conversations. The fact that he was with her now didn’t negate those times and suddenly her fear of losing the baby mixed with the anger and frustration she felt toward him, and she exploded on him. He was hurt.. she could see that in his eyes, but she was hurting too and she needed him, but he couldn’t be there for her the way she wanted him to be, so she hammered him over the head with the harsh reality of his own words to her. “Well that’s the truth isn’t it? You *still* want me to have an abortion… if I lost the baby right now… it wouldn’t really upset you, would it?”
He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, wishing he could make the image of her angry accusatory expression disappear, but it was still there when he opened them. His voice was weak and shaky with sadness, as he replied to her, “Doc… why are you doing this? I love you.. and I came here to support you.. to hold your hand and just.. be here for you… If you want me to leave.. just say so and I’m gone.” He stood up, expecting her to speak the words that would send him away for good. There was only a faint glimmer of hope when she called his name.
John was at the door, prepared to step outside, when she said, “No.. wait, John.. I’m sorry.. I should have at least said thank you for coming. I do appreciate that and I love you, John.. but I need to have people around me who can fully embrace and support my pregnancy and you can’t do that for me, can you?” she asked wanting to give him one last chance to join her on her journey toward motherhood.
He didn’t answer verbally; instead he stepped close to the bed and tried to hold her, but she rebuffed that simple advance. John cried as he made another attempt to convince her to let him be there for her in her time of great need. “Oh.. Doc.. can’t we.. put it away.. for a few minutes? Can’t we just be a husband and wife who love each other very much and who want to be there for each other during a difficult time? Can’t we please do that?” He was aching to take her in his warm embrace, to comfort and reassure her that everything would be all right, even if he couldn’t make that wish come true. He needed her as much as she needed him.
Tears of loss and regret began to form in her eyes as she initiated yet another painful separation that she believed was necessary to safeguard the life of her unborn child. As much as she wanted what he was offering, she felt she had to remain firm in her resolve or she would be lost. Shaking her head, she said sadly, “No… we can’t John… because the reason we’re having such a difficult time is your response to this baby I’m carrying… It’s because you can’t accept my decision and support me for however long I have on this earth before and after this child is born… because you won’t share in this miracle with me. So, no we can’t forget, not for one second, John.”
Marlena looked at him… searching his eyes for a glint of acceptance and the willingness to change. When she didn’t see it, she took a deep breath, then let it out quickly and finished, knowing in her heart that if she didn’t say it rapidly she would give in to those pleading teary eyes. With an eerie coldness to her voice, she told him what she required from him, if he couldn’t give her what she wanted, “Now, please…go, John… and send Maggie and Laura in here. They’ve been waiting outside and I.. really need their support to get through this.”
It felt like she had just plunged a poison dagger straight through his heart. It was pure unadulterated rejection such as he never experienced with her. She couldn’t bear to look at the profound anguish she knew was all over his face, and in those deep blue eyes she loved so much. Saying those hurtful words was as much as she could take. Realizing there was nothing more to be said or done, all John could do was give her a silent tearful nod of his head before he stepped outside of the room.
By the time he reached the nurse’s station he was ready to fall apart. Bo and Abe came rushing over as soon as they saw the slump of his shoulders, as did Maggie and Laura, who thankfully took one look at his dejected form and decided to let the men handle it. Maggie touched him on the arm and silently let him know of her concern with her eyes. He gave her an appreciative look, which was all he could manage. Realizing there was nothing they could say that would help him, both ladies turned without uttering a word and went in to be with their good friend.
John looked up into two sets of very concerned eyes and shared his painful conclusion about the meaning of what had just taken place between himself and the woman he loved with every fiber of his being. With a dull sadness in his face and eyes, he said with stunned incredulity, “She really doesn’t want me anymore… I think it’s over…unless I do exactly what she wants right now… unless I accept this baby completely and go through the rest of the pregnancy with her, I think it’s really over…no matter what else happens.” Then suddenly the brutal reality of his own conclusion seemed to grab hold of his heart. Taking a glance back toward her through the small window in the door, he cried out her name in agony, “Oh.. Doc!”
Brutal Honesty All Around
John sat down with the guidance of his friends, who thought he might fall down from the emotional impact of the conclusion he had just reached. If he didn’t go back in and denounce his earlier hesitance to fully embrace the pregnancy and honor his wife’s choice, then he was going to lose her, possibly for good, whether the cancer was ultimately life threatening or not. It was a very painful dilemma that was obviously overwhelming for John to acknowledge, let alone make a decision about in the midst of a crisis. Bo sat on one side, Abe on the other and they just stayed with him, sitting quietly by as he attempted to come to grips with the decision he faced and the long term ramifications of making the wrong choice.
As John contemplated his decision and Marlena’s possible responses, the small group was approached by two physicians who looked as though they were on a mission. They eyed John sympathetically and then exchanged nonverbal communication that said, ‘I feel bad for him, but our priority must rest with our patient. It has to be said.’
Taking a deep breath, Mike Horton did as he had just discussed with Sarah Bader. He began the process of confronting John with something he knew the man probably wouldn’t receive well or even hear completely during this first difficult encounter, “John… we need to talk to you.. in private.”
Glancing back and forth between all four people standing with him, specifically at the two men who flanked him as he stood up, John shook his head and denied the request. “No.. anything you have to say to me.. they can hear.. Go ahead Mike.. what is it.. is it the baby? Is something wrong?.. Is it Marlena?” he started to ask in rapid succession, not giving the doctors a chance to speak.
Mike shook his head as well, saying, “No.. John, it’s nothing like that. Right now.. the baby and Marlena are both stable. That’s why we’re here to talk to you.. we want them to stay that way.”
Next, Sarah gave the introduction to the purpose of their conversation, “John… you know this pregnancy, Marlena’s illness and the…strain between the two of you as a result of her decision to forgo treatment in favor of the baby are making it very difficult for her to have a smooth pregnancy. We need to ask something of you and it won’t be easy.”
Sarah looked closely at John, reading his response and he was clearly curious now, but also slightly suspicious of where they were leading. “All right.. you two have an agenda here… what is it?” he asked with an edge to his voice.
Mike glanced briefly at Sarah, who sighed resignedly and nodded to affirm their decision. “John… for Marlena and the baby’s sake… you need to make a choice. Either you are willing to be in support of her… without reservation, and you can stand by her through this entire pregnancy and be with her for however long she has or.. you aren’t and you will agree to stay away from her.. I mean virtually no contact until the baby is born. As her doctors… we simply cannot allow the stress of your coming in and out of her life to jeopardize her health and well being and her pregnancy. As of today, you need to decide one way or the other what you’re going to do.”
John was completely stunned and found himself speechless, as he plopped down heavily on the bench behind him. He simply couldn’t imagine how he had come to be in this place, that two physicians were standing in front of him, telling him what he should do, telling him how to live his life and manage his marital relationship, giving him advice on what he had to do if he wanted to be in contact with Marlena. It was ironic.. since he had been drawing the same conclusion himself, but somehow hearing them say it made it impossible to face and defensive denial kicked in as he began to respond mentally. What did they know? How dare they tell him what he should or shouldn’t do. It was *his* marriage, she was *his* wife, and the marriage was his business, not theirs… And yet, she was their patient and right now their role in her life was more important and vital to her well being than his. It hurt indescribably to admit that to himself. Even so.. for the longest time, he just sat there with an incredulous expression on his face.
Back inside the examining room, Marlena was putting up a brave front, but Laura and Maggie could see through her facade. “Marlena… what happened with John just now?” asked Laura, sensing something earth shattering had taken place by the look on both her friend’s faces.
She was almost glib about it, “Oh.. the same old thing… he wants me to kill our child and I want to keep it.”
Recognizing her friend’s anger and the fear behind the sarcasm, Laura replied with a more realistic statement, “Oh.. Marlena.. there’s a lot more to it than that. John loves the baby… he just loves you more.. you have to realize that is what it’s about. He’s afraid.”
“Of course I do.. but. damn it Laura.. I am going to have this baby, and he has to find a way to accept that. Until he does, he’s going to be miserable and he’s doing a fine job of making me feel that way too. I can’t live that way.. so I told him to leave me alone… and I really don’t want him around me at all if he can’t fully support my decision.” Rubbing her hands lightly over the of her slightly swollen belly that wasn’t covered by the monitor, she sounded more determined by the moment, “That’s all there is to it. I have to focus on my love for this child and have a positive outlook on this pregnancy. Hearing him pleading with me to have an abortion or even having him near me, knowing that’s what he wants me to do is just the opposite of what I need right now.”
Remembering the agonized expression on John’s face as he exited the room, Maggie added her two cents, “We understand all that… we do.. but honey.. John is hurting too.. he’s so afraid of losing you and he’s just a wreck about being separated. He loves you so much, Marlena.”
Sitting up taller in the bed, Marlena responded with strong emotion, saying passionately, “I know that! I love him too, but I can’t let it influence my decision, Maggie.. This is a human life we are talking about here, my baby.. HIS baby! I want him to love his child as much as I do, regardless of my situation. Is that too much to ask of a husband and father?”
Maggie and Laura weren’t quite sure how to respond. They loved both Marlena and John, and they wanted to be able to support both of them, but it was becoming clear that fairly soon, sides would have to be taken. It was almost impossible to believe that a situation like this could develop in real life and divide a couple and their friends so thoroughly. Finally, Laura said in agreement, “No.. it isn’t… I understand how you might feel that way honey… All I know is… if he… can’t do that, for whatever reason… we will be here for you through everything that lies ahead… no matter what.”
“Thank you… you can’t know how much that means.. to me. I know I couldn’t make it through this without your support. You are both wonderful friends to me.”
Maggie leaned in to hug her long time friend, and said with warmth and conviction, “That’s what friendships are all about Marlena… being there for each other. You’ve been there for us when we’ve needed your support. Now it’s our turn to be there for you.” Marlena nodded tearfully, feeling loved and accepted, something she desperately needed to feel at the moment. John wasn’t able to give her what she needed and her friends were there to fill part of the void left by his absence.
Maybe, he could just sit there and pretend it never happened, maybe he could ignore it and it would all go away like some cruel nightmare that faded with the bright warm light of a welcome dawn. A slightly impatient voice broke into his fantasy world, “John… we’re completely serious here…. it’s all or nothing. As her doctors we must insist on that; I know you don’t want to do anything to cause her more pain or stress in her life, do you John? ” Sarah said, asking a loaded question.
“You know I love her, that I would do anything to make her happy…or to eliminate the stress and pain, but..”
Mike hated to do it, but he too believed that the baby’s life and quite possibly Marlena’s as well depended on John’s compliance with their recommendation, so he was rough and cut his friend off mid-sentence. “But.. nothing, John… you have to choose, right here and right now… which is it?”
Suddenly something struck him hard again; this was his life, his marriage they were trying to control. John rose quickly and stepped close to his doctor friend, who was now feeling more like an adversary. Then, he shook his head firmly and spoke angrily, denying their right to tell him how to run his life, “No…no.. you aren’t in charge of our lives.. none of you are! I don’t have to listen to a word you say about this. If and when Marlena wants me by her side… baby or no baby…I am going to be there, regardless of what you think!” Pointing to himself to emphasize his power in the situation, he shouted at them, “She is MY wife!”
Sarah made another attempt to reach him and break through his defensive attitude as well as the undercurrent of fear that was ever present, saying, “John… if you keep coming in and out of her life… like you did today… you could cause her to lose her baby… or maybe even her life… Is that what you want?”
John looked anxiously back and forth between Sarah and Mike and then at Bo and Abe, who were conspicuously quiet, knowing this was for John to settle with the experts. Finally, after reading that reticence to become involved, he responded with a worried question, “So.. are you saying I caused this crisis today.. that this happened because I came to the ultrasound and then couldn’t do what she asked of me?”
It was Mike, who answered bluntly, albiet reluctantly, after breathing out a long sigh, “Well, basically… yes, I guess we are… John, if you hadn’t shown up…leading her to believe you were going to support her choice, I don’t think she would be in there right now, scared to death about losing the baby, with a fetal monitor strapped to her belly.”
It was simply incomprehensible to him that he could have hurt her so deeply, “Oh.. my God… I was already feeling bad about it.. but to hear you say it… I could have… if the baby.. dies… it really *is* my fault!” Running his fingers anxiously through his hair, he started to mutter various phrases indicating his remorse, “Oh…my God.. I’m so sorry, Doc!” John was suddenly overwrought again and he didn’t know what to do or what to say… and started to walk away from the area, shaking his head, in stunned disbelief that he could truly be the cause of so much pain and fear to the woman he loved and valued more than his own life.
Sarah decided that trying to make him feel guilty and responsible for the current crisis was not the best approach and she softened her tone to keep him with them, “John, please wait…you’re not really to blame.” She waited until he turned around to say the rest of it, “We just want you to realize that the stress that comes as a result of your lack of commitment to this pregnancy… which believe me.. we all understand, may cause some serious problems for Marlena and the baby.” Waving her hand in a gesture that included all five of them, she said, “Whether you like or not.. whether any of us agree that it was the best choice for her to make… her mind is made up and you need to think long and hard about what your involvement is going to be. It doesn’t help her for you to be there for an appointment here and there… to seem happy about the baby one minute and then ask her to give it up in the next. She can’t handle that, John.. she has to focus her energy on having a healthy pregnancy; do you understand what we’re trying to say?”
A heavy sigh escaped and he barely squelched the fearful moan that begged to be let out, to say with a shaky voice, “Yes.. I do.. but do you have any idea… what you’re asking me of me? I LOVE her… so much… and I’m so… scared! I.. love this baby.. you might not believe that… she certainly doesn’t… but if I.. had to choose.. at any given point along the way… so help me God, I’d choose her. That’s the bottom line in this thing… she wouldn’t… she has chosen the baby over herself, over her happiness with me. So.. I don’t know what to do.. “
The others were silent.. sensing his need to talk it out, to express all of his thoughts and fears to them, so that he could make them understand his position and his behavior. John shuffled his feet and began to walk around them, as he prepared to continue, needing some physical outlet for the intensity of his predicament. His voice was thick with emotion, but he managed for the most part to maintain his composure as he went on, “Staying away from her is.. tearing me apart! I know she needs me… I *know* that.. but I can’t give her everything she wants, I can’t… love this baby in the same way now. Every time.. I look at her, every time she talks about the baby.. it’s always in the back of my mind.. flashing like a blinking neon light… She has cancer, John… just like Izzy… and it’s growing.. every second of every day.. it’s growing! The longer we wait… the worse it gets… and it could… KILL her!” That was all John could take; his face clouded over with anguish and he practically collapsed as a wave of gutwrenching fear washed over him, nearly knocking him down with its power. Abe and Bo were at his side, easing him back toward one of the benches in the waiting area, sitting with him as the torrent of tears that had formed began to trickle out of his frightened eyes.
Mike and Sarah felt so much empathy for his suffering. They knew how much he loved Marlena and how painful it was to be reminded of Isabella’s death, how frustrated and helpless he felt to know that his wife was choosing to let that cancer grow while she carried their baby to term, when she knew what he wanted. However, Marlena was their patient and so was the baby.. their needs had to come first. Sarah finished the comments and planned to leave him alone to make his decision. Placing a hand on his shoulder, she said, “John… we know this is… extremely difficult.. that you’re afraid of losing her, and that you’re hurting terribly, but we are her doctors. She and the baby have to be our first priority. You have to choose, John…one way or the other. Be with her, support her decision and fully embrace the pregnancy or stay away from her. Please don’t cause her any more stress than she’s already facing. God knows it’s more than enough.”
He couldn’t say anything else to them in the moment; the pain was so fresh, so raw and all he wanted to do was run into her room, take her in his arms, and tell her they would survive somehow.. just like they always did. John wanted to shut out the whole world for a little while and just be with the woman he loved, but he knew he couldn’t do that. After the doctors walked away, the waves of fear and helpless frustration washed over him again and he started weeping softly, right there in the hospital waiting area… masculinity and decorum be damned. His reality was brutally painful and he couldn’t pretend or hold back the honest expression of feeling any longer.
After several minutes in which his best friend and his brother sat with him quietly while he felt the pain, John finally asked them the question no one could answer but himself, “What am I gonna do? Oh.. God.. somebody please tell me what to do!” he cried out in agony over his never ending dilemma. Abe and Bo looked at each other, each man imploring the other to say something… anything that might help. Neither was able to do so immediately, so they just continued to sit beside him in silent support.
Abe put his arm around John briefly and was finally able to say, “I’m sorry, John… I know this is really rough on you, but only you can answer that question. It’s all up to you buddy.”
Bo added his perspective, saying quietly, putting a hand on John’s other shoulder, “Either way… we’re here for you, Bro.. you won’t be alone.”
John looked at them both and nodded without making a sound. It did help in some small undefinable way to have them there, but this pain was simply unbearable. The paralyzing fear never faded or lessened in intensity, not for one second since that fateful night in this same hospital when the word cancer entered his vocabulary and invaded his world again, threatening to take the life of the woman he loved… AGAIN. As John attempted to turn his anxious thoughts and fears toward God in prayer, he began to feel the helpless rage taking root in his heart and soul, and it began to build up inside until he thought he might explode.
Suddenly, John stood up again and with his right hand clenched in a tight fist, he looked skyward and raised his voice in anger, “No.. DAMN IT!! I won’t let it happen.. Do you hear me GOD? I won’t let the cancer beat us.. I won’t let you take her from me like you took Izzy B! I won’t LET YOU!!” With a fresh supply of angry fearful tears streaming down his flushed red cheeks, he bolted from the area without warning, leaving Bo and Abe, several doctors and nurses, and more than a few curious onlookers standing there in stunned silence. Even Maggie, Laura, and Marlena, who were behind a closed door, heard the outburst. Though they hadn’t heard what preceeded it, they, along with his best friend and brother, were alarmed and worried about what might happen to John in his distraught state of mind.
Coming To Terms With Love
Caroline Brady was leaving the chapel to head toward the area of the hospital where Marlena and her baby’s condition were being monitored. She had received the call from Maggie and went directly there. Upon seeing that John was well occupied with Abe and Bo, and Marlena with Maggie and Laura, she thought it best to pray for the couple she loved as much as any of her own children. Kim had been tied up on a case she was asked to consult on, Shawn had to stay at the restaurant, so she had come alone. Carrie had come in to the chapel to pray as well, though she was clearly struggling to reconcile her conceptualization of God with all the pain Marlena and John had suffered over the years, as was her aunt Kim.
As she stepped back out of the small chapel, Caroline had an overwhelming sense that someone she loved dearly, other than Carrie, was in anguish and grappling with a serious spiritual crisis. When she was approaching the waiting area, she thought she heard John’s distraught, angry voice… but when she arrived, he was nowhere to be seen.
Bo, who had been watching John’s hasty retreat, turned as she approached, and immediately said as cheerfully as possible under the circumstances, “Hi Mom.”
“Hello… you two,” she said to both her son and his boss and good friend. “Was that John I heard yelling just now?” she asked, worriedly.
Abe nodded and answered with concern, “Yes, it was… Caroline he’s very upset and angry at the world right now, angry at God. We tried to help him, but I’m afraid we weren’t very successful.”
“It isn’t the baby or Marlena is it… they’re alright, aren’t they?” she asked worriedly.
“Oh… yes, I’m sorry.. they’re okay…. It’s just that… well, Mike and Dr. Bader were just here and they told John he needs to make a choice..one way or the other and be consistent with it, either go home and fully support Marlena through the pregnancy, or stay away from her completely.”
Recalling the expression on John’s face, Bo said sadly, “It really hurt him, Mom… and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to be there for Marlena and he does love the baby, but..”
Caroline understood and said, “But… it isn’t the same for John, now that he knows she could die from the cancer if she waits on treatment.”
“Yes… and he’s blaming God for it all. What you heard was John screaming that he won’t let God take her from him like he took Isabella. I haven’t seen him like that since.. she died..” Bo paused and then added, “..except…maybe the last time he thought he’d lost Marlena.”
Remembering how much he suffered, having to sit back, watching helplessly while the woman he loved wasted away… Caroline commiserated, “Oh… poor John, he’s lost so much… I’m going to find him, but before I go after him, tell me… how is Marlena…really?”
Abe answered this time, “She’s okay so far and the same goes for the baby. Maggie and Laura are with her right now. According to Mike, the key is reducing her stress level; if she can do that, the baby has a fighting chance of going full term for her. That’s why they put John in the position of choosing, to give the baby the best possible chance of surviving. They think that the stress of having him come in and out of her life could cause her to lose the child.”
That was logical; In fact it made perfect sense, and it was something he probably already knew, but it had to be very painful for John to hear. Caroline nodded and said with quiet determination, “All right then, I’m going to find John and talk to him. Thank you for letting me know how upset he was… we used to… talk a lot and I think maybe it’s time for another mother and son heart to heart.”
“I think so too, Mom… thanks.. he really needs you right now. Maybe you can reach him in ways we can’t. Good luck with it.”
As she leaned in to give her son a hug, she contradicted that sentiment, saying, “No… don’t wish me luck, Bo.. pray for them, pray for all of us.” The younger Brady nodded in understanding, realizing that was all anyone could really do now. It was out of their hands.
John rushed out of the hospital, feeling confused, scared and more than a little angry. He was angry with God for allowing it to happen at all, angry at Marlena for rejecting his support, though he didn’t think he had the right to be, angry with the world for all the pain he’d suffered through, and angry at himself. He was internally chastising himself for not being able to give Marlena what she so obviously needed which was all of his love, all of his support, and unconditional acceptance of the baby she was carrying, *his* baby.
All those thoughts were swirling around inside his tormented mind as he drove off in the Jeep toward an old familiar place, a place he frequented with the love of his life. So many times he’d shared with her there….some of the most important days of his life… He went there any time he sought peace and comfort… And he talked about them all with her, there by the Riverside. Not this time….. She couldn’t help him with this one… it was all up to him, but he didn’t believe that. John felt more out of control than he ever had in all of the life he remembered.
He climbed out of his trusty Jeep, and went down to his thinking spot, wishing… wishing… How he wished it would all go away, that it would be some horrible nightmare that no matter how painful and frightening… eventually faded in the light of a new day. ‘Oh, just stop it, John!’ You can’t wish it away.. you can’t pretend it’s a dream… this is REAL! Marlena has cancer and she could die and she’s pregnant with your child. YOUR child and you have to face it, somehow, some way you have to choose. You have to do what Mike and Sarah said is best for her… be with her all the way or leave her alone… ‘Oh God! How… how can I make that choice? What am I gonna do? How can you do this to us? After everything we went through… I thought you wanted us to be together, I thought we were… Oh.. God, I thought when we got married that it meant… we were finally gonna have our happily ever after!’
Soon, he was immersed in memories of times past, images of being with Marlena flooding his brain, contrasted with the times he thought she was gone forever. The pain of living without her was so intense, so all encompassing that he felt like he was dying all those times. He simply couldn’t imagine going through it again, knowing it was real and that there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to stop it!
So lost in those recollections, John didn’t hear the quiet footsteps of his erstwhile mother, Caroline Brady, who was greatly concerned upon seeing the tiny droplets of moisture on his flushed cheeks. John was in as much pain as she ever remembered seeing him, his face painted in gray hues of bitter anguish and deep sadness. It was truly an impossible dilemma he faced, and she had no words of wisdom that would make the choice any easier. All she could give him was her steadfast love and support; that would have to be good enough.
“John… honey… would you like to talk?” she offered tentatively, as she stepped within easy earshot.
His head raised instantly at the soothing sound of a mother’s voice, as if she were the one person from whom he could seek comfort in this very painful time. “Mom?” he asked, looking up hesitantly into her eyes like a small child who needed affection and strong guidance, but had been previously afraid to ask about it. “Yea… I.. I think I would.. thanks, ” he replied softly.
Caroline approached the bench on which he was sitting and joined him without another word, waiting for him to initiate the conversation. At last, when he didn’t say anything, she started it off with, “I heard about what happened today, John… about what Marlena said to you and then Mike and Dr. Bader… it’s pretty rough, isn’t it?”
All he could do was sigh exhaustedly and nod at first, looking at the wallet sized picture of his family, a family from whom he’d been separated for a couple of weeks and missed terribly. “Yea… it is… I don’t know what to do, Caroline.. I love her… so much.. She needs me and I want to be there for her.”
“Then do that, John… be there for her… all the way through the pregnancy, no matter what happens in the end.”
The fear grabbed hold of his heart, in the second she said that word.. *end* and he reacted out of that emotion, his lips quivering as he tried to tell her what was happening inside his heart, “But I…I’m so… afraid! It’s so hard! Every time I look at her.. belly, every time…she talks about the baby… I can’t help it… I get… angry because I want her to live, I want her to be treated… Oh, Mom… I know it’s not the baby’s fault… but…what if… what if she… dies like Izzy B? I couldn’t…. I just know I couldn’t handle that!” he cried desperately, wishing she had the answers he sought, but knowing she didn’t. No one had answers…
Caroline felt the sting of tears forming in her wise eyes, understanding his suffering and feeling her own pain, realizing that the more she thought she knew, the less she truly understood God in all his infinite wisdom. Roman was gone and she still didn’t fully comprehend that loss. Some parts of life simply didn’t make any sense, such as the question of Why…. She took her son’s hands in hers and looked into his frightened blue eyes, and then said with the conviction of all her years of experience, “John…. I realize that this is.. very difficult, but you of all people should know by now, there are no guarantees in this life. Pain and suffering aren’t handed out in equal portions and only God knows why. We have the love we’re given.. for as long as we’re privileged to hold it gently in our hands. You take some time to make up your mind, son…. but just remember.. every day you spend apart from each other is one day you can *never* get back, one day when you could have held her in your arms, one day when you could have said, ‘I love you.’ You think about that, John… and then make your decision.”
John felt tears welling up, wanting to spill out, as he took her words to heart and nodded without saying anything at all. Instinctively, Caroline leaned over to gather him in her arms as a mother would a young child. He found his resistance to take comfort melting away the minute her arms were around him. John wept softly for a minute or two in the safety and warmth of her embrace and then sat up and wiped his eyes with his knuckles, sniffled a couple of times and said, “Thank you… for reminding me. I appreciate that very much. I’ll do what you said… I’ll take a little while and then I’ll decide and I’ll do what’s right… for Marlena.”
She smiled weakly and said, “That’s my son…You’re so strong, John…. and you can handle this… whatever happens. And, you’ll never be alone… your father and I will be with you both through it all… believe in that and let us.. help you.”
Again, he nodded…. suddenly realizing in a whole new way, just how much she meant what she was saying. It was finally coming together in his heart and mind like never before. In every way that mattered, Shawn and Caroline Brady *were* his parents. They were there for him whenever he needed them, as he had been for them so many times when they needed his strength. “I know that… and believe me… you can’t know… how much that means to me right now. I…love you, Mom.”
Reaching out a hand to tenderly caress his right cheek and wipe a wayward tear, his mother responded passionately, “And I love you… so very much, John. Honey… you *are* our child, as much as any of the others. We all think of you as part of our family, John.”
Caught up in raw emotion, John gazed trustingly into Caroline’s warm inviting eyes, and opened himself up to her like never before, saying with a voice that cracked as he spoke, “I know that… now, and it’s in times like these that I realize.. just how.. blessed I am to have all of you. And, I want you to know… when I look back on it all, I’m so.. glad that I was brought to Salem, that I lived those years… as your son. For all the.. pain I’ve suffered in losing that life, I’ve found more love than I could.. ever have imagined. I’m so.. thankful. You didn’t owe me anything, and you could have.. let me go, but you kept right on loving me.”
There were tears born of mixed emotions in her eyes, and she didn’t quite understand all that she felt toward this handsome young man, who was so much like her other son in some ways, and so very different in others, but she knew that she loved him deeply. She too found herself struggling to express her feelings, but in a quavering voice, she managed to tell him of her abiding love. She took his hands and spoke of it, “Oh.. John… so am I… and I’m so.. proud of you and everything you’ve done with your life since then. Honey.. I couldn’t have… chosen a better son, and I thank God so often for you. I want you to know something… all those times when we thought we were going to lose you… it felt like I was losing a part of myself. Please… honey… don’t ever forget how many people love you, no matter how hard it gets..in the coming weeks and months ahead.. You’ll never be alone again like you were when you first came here, John… not ever again!”
So touched by her words of love and her nurturing manner, at first all he could do was nod his head to show her he was hearing and taking it all into his heart. “Okay… I won’t forget, I promise…. Thank you, Mom… thank you so much!” he cried, as she embraced him yet again. This was a mother son bond forged through many fires, and it stood the test of time and countless trials and tribulations. It was as strong as steel.
After sitting together in silence for awhile, they rose and planned to go their separate ways, Caroline back to the hospital to visit Marlena and John to check on the kids. It went unspoken, but John knew he had to make a final decision very soon because the stress was too great, for both him and his wife of less than a year. Seeing that conclusion in his still moist eyes, his mother squeezed his hand one last time and said, “I know you’ll find the wisdom to make the right choice, John… and I have faith that somehow God will give you the strength to handle whatever comes next.”
John only nodded and gave a weak smile acknowledging her unfailing belief in him. The time for talk was over. It was time for him to sequester himself in prayer and do exactly what his mother said. He needed to seek the wisdom within, the wisdom he could only receive when in solemn communion with his Lord.
No Easy Answers
Marlena was lying back in the hospital bed, still cradling her belly in a protective hold and praying for the baby to be all right. Both Sarah and Mike had reported within the past hour that its condition had stabilized which was reassuring, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, regardless of the available data. Maggie and Laura had been with her for a long while and she could see that they were getting tired, as was she, so she prepared to send them on their merry way, saying, “Hey… you two.. I’m really getting sleepy… why don’t you go on home, I’ll be fine here tonight… really, I will, ” she finished in her most positive tone, which though not completely convincing, was enough to get them to realize that she did need some time alone. She should have some time to rest or to see some of the others, such as Carrie and Caroline, who were patiently waiting.
Maggie gave her friend a reassuring hug and said, “We’ll see you later… you get some rest and try not worry too much….okay?”
Marlena only sighed and nodded… they had said all there was to say about the situation she faced.
Laura smiled warmly as she too leaned in for a supportive embrace, saying, “Well, I hate to leave you, but I do need to get back to the house. Carrie was out there asking about you. Would you like me to send her in?”
Her eyes brightened at the thought of seeing the young woman she loved as her own child. “Oh… yes.. please do, I’d really love to see her right now.”
As they stepped outside, they glanced across the corridor to see Mike and Carrie in a warm embrace of their own, leaving them to wonder. Laura and Maggie had discussed Laura’s concern about Mike’s feelings for Carrie before. Perhaps this situation was bringing them to the surface stronger than ever before. Laura was worried about what could happen, since she had begun to notice that Carrie seemed to return those feelings. Maggie gave her friend’s hand a quick squeeze before she went over to let Carrie know Marlena was ready to see her. After clearing her throat, Laura said, “Carrie… Marlena is anxious to see you. She was so pleased to know that you were out here waiting.”
Mike and Carrie disengaged immediately, feeling somewhat embarrassed to have been seen hugging, and Carrie replied somewhat nervously, “Oh.. well, I’m glad.. Mike was just… comforting me about.. everything. I got kind of.. upset earlier. He’s such a good friend to me.” Turning to Mike, she said, “Thank you…for all your support, Mike… you’ve really been there for me since we found out about Marlena being sick, and I really appreciate it, more than I can say.”
With a smile that covered the pain of hearing himself referred to as merely a friend… he said with a slightly awkward smile, “Carrie… you don’t need to keep telling me that. You’ve been there for me, through this whole Chief of Staff craziness… Now, it’s my turn to be there for you.”
Carrie only nodded at first, and then said in the form of a question, “I’ll see you later then?”
“Yes… I’ll be in to check on Marlena in a little while… Keep your hopes up, and.. smile a lot, get to her laugh if you can. She needs all the positives she can get right now.”
Again, Carrie nodded and smiled, saying agreeably, “I will… thank you, Mike… for taking such good care of her. She’s lucky to have you for a doctor.”
“Stop… would you.. Now go on… get in there and see her,” he finished with shooing motion, his hands landing briefly on her shoulders again. That simple contact was enough to make him want to be so much more than a good friend and he had to let go as quickly as possible. It was agony. Mike was realizing more and more as each day passed that he was deeply in love with Carrie Brady and he believed that she was at least… beginning to feel the same way about him. She wouldn’t have responded to his unexpected Fourth of July kiss if that weren’t the case.
John was alone in the sanctuary at St. Lukes, kneeling at the altar, praying about the dilemma he faced with Marlena. For the first time since the whole ordeal began, he was completely surrendering his own will, his needs, his feelings.. to the almighty Lord, or at least he was prepared to make the attempt after pouring his heart out. Folding his hands together, John began his reverent plea, “Dear God… I think you know what’s happening… Doc and I had a tough decision to make, but she… well, she made the choice for us, and now I have to figure out what I’m going to do about that. God… I do love the baby… my baby…” He stopped short, as the images and the words of love they’d spoken on the day she told him she was pregnant came to him, the whole scene playing in his mind like a video recording. He remembered every small detail and soon found his eyes flooded with tears of deep sadness, for the loss of joy…..
Marlena smiled sweetly at him and said, “Well, I have a little something here that will answer your questions quite nicely, I believe.” She reached into the small bag she had put down near them before she came up behind him and then she presented him with a little package. “Here, why don’t you open this, John,” she said with an air of mystery.
“You sure do know how to keep a guy in suspense, Mrs. Black.” He rapidly opened the small package to reveal a very tiny pair of booties and the smile on his face could have melted the polar ice caps. “Oh Doc! We’re having a baby, you and me, we’re…pregnant?” he asked incredulously.
She chuckled because it was the same thing she had said, “No, John… I’m pregnant and you, of course, are the Daddy!”
Tears of joy were starting to form as he gazed at her with newfound adoration, “Oh, Marlena….I’m so….thrilled, overjoyed, actually! Oh My God we’re having a baby! We’re having a baby!!” He picked her up and twirled her around in a circle, feeling pure ecstasy and she couldn’t help but be caught up in his excitement about it, it was wonderfully contagious. Then he set her down gently and said apologetically, “Oh, I’m sorry… I probably shouldn’t be doing that with you… are you okay Marlena?”
Smiling at his reaction, she allayed his concern, “John…really I’m not going to break now that I’m pregnant you know.”
His heart was filled with mirth as he said happily, “Oh, yea you’re right, I’m just so excited about this, I want to tell everyone about this, Shawn, Caroline, Abe…everybody!”
“No!….I mean, it’s a little too early in the pregnancy and I don’t want to make it public just yet, I am an older mother and this could be a rough pregnancy, John.”
“You mean you’re worried about whether you’ll be able to carry it full term. Oh, Doc I didn’t even think of that, are you okay with..having this baby?” he asked sincerely.
“Of course I am, John,” she said as she rubbed her belly. “This baby comes from the amazing and indestructible bond of love we share and I am so happy about it that words can’t express how I feel right now.” She started to cry and he wiped away the tears and kissed her so tenderly and gently that she lost all the negative thoughts. He recalled how they were both swept away in the love, the love she felt emanating from John and the depth of love she felt for him in return.
He had stepped closer and very carefully placed one hand on her belly which didn’t even indicate outwardly that there was a life growing inside of her. As he did so, he started to wax philosophical, “You are so right, Doc! You know it’s almost like our love has come full circle now. We have two beautiful children, but we didn’t get to share the time of bringing them into the world and into a family together and now we have that chance. This is so…wonderful, Marlena. I love you so much!” John pulled her close and kissed her tenderly, almost worshipfully and it made her feel cherished in a whole new way. John impulsively leaned down and put his head near her belly and then said adoringly, “Hey…baby…Daddy loves you.”
As that sweet memory faded, John realized something significant about the interaction. She had reacted strongly to the idea of announcing the pregnancy, but he hadn’t even recognized it at the time because he was so caught up in the excitement and because she covered so well. Now he did… and he knew why. Even then, she was keeping something from him. As he pushed those thoughts aside, a second scene came to mind… one that took place in the bedroom shortly after she gave him the news.
They were in the process of making love…..
With tears in his eyes, he leaned over her and reached out to caress her face tenderly with his right hand and said, “I didn’t think it was possible for me to love you any more than I did on our wedding day and through our honeymoon, but I do. My love for you grows with each passing second, Marlena. I love you so much, Doc! You and the kids are my whole world…Oh Doc…this is so amazing…a baby…we’re going to have another baby!”
“Oh, John…honey, I am so glad you’re happy about this and I am too. I have always felt bad that you weren’t able to share the time before Belle was born and I’m so thrilled for both of us that you can be with me through the whole thing this time.”
“Oh, Doc..me too! I want you to tell me everything…every little ache and pain… I wanna know every time the baby kicks so I can feel it too! I mean it Doc….everything! I am so excited about this….I can hardly believe it’s real!”
Even as he remembered those precious moments, he couldn’t forget the quandary he was in… and he spoke of it out loud, his voice filled with remorse and fear, “I can’t help it…. Now that Marlena is sick… my feelings have changed. I want her to be treated for the cancer… I want her to live! Please forgive me if it’s wrong… but.. I want Marlena more than I want the baby… I want DOC!! After everything I’ve been through… after all pain and loss. After all the suffering we’ve both been through.. tell me, Lord… is that too much to ask of you?” he cried out, desperately wishing for the direct answer he knew he wouldn’t get.
The tapes that seemed to be replaying in his mind, skipped forward a few minutes…. John remembered the entire afternoon vividly, every word, every touch, every tear, every look, every sigh…..
He kissed her softly and then reached down and rubbed his hands gently over her belly where eventually there would be external evidence of the new life that was being created within her womb, even as they spoke. “Hey little one,” he said sweetly. “Daddy’s out here..and he loves you so much already. I can hardly wait to see you. You are made from the greatest of love’s and you are going to be warmly welcomed into this world by your mother and me…”
As those fleeting images of bliss faded into the past once again, John found tears returning to his sad eyes, and he spoke with a profound sense of loss, as if she were there with him, “Oh… Doc… I was so…happy that day… more in love with you… and happier than I’ve ever been… Why did you.. keep the truth from me?” Though he previously expressed it as anger, it hurt him… deeply. After everything that happened with Kristen, they had vowed never to keep secrets of any kind. Understandable as her reasons may have been, Marlena had broken that vow.
Suddenly, the frustration and sense of confusion he felt about their irresolvable predicament were overwhelming and he lashed out with violent anger at the only safe target, “WHY, GOD!!… Why did you let this happen? I don’t understand! How could you take that joy and turn it into so much suffering?” After standing up and wiping away the tears that were determined to fall, he looked skyward and kept at it..his voice cracking as he spoke, “After everything she’s been through… after everything *we’ve* been through to finally be together… how can you do this? You… called me to be your.. servant… and you gave me.. the wisdom, and the.. strength to save her from Satan… How can you let her suffer this kind of PAIN!! How can you make us choose? I am so… ANGRY!!”
John was more confused and full of helpless rage than ever before… even more than during all the times Stefano had taken her. This was completely unexpected… happening at a time when his life… their life was finally coming together, when they were forming a family, when life was settling down and they believed they were going to be allowed to live in safety and have some true peace, at long last. Then came this crushing blow…
Cancer had symbolically invaded their marriage relationship, insidiously eating away at the love and trust that were at its foundation, just as the disease had invaded Marlena’s body, just as it had taken Isabella from him. He simply couldn’t imagine losing Marlena in the same way. It just wasn’t right, and he cried out in his bitter fearful anguish, “It’s not fair, God! It’s just not FAIR!!”
Carrie Brady was sitting with Marlena now… watching the woman she loved as a mother sleeping restlessly. She had drifted off during the few minutes when the others were talking outside her room. Marlena seemed at least slightly distressed, softly calling out her husband’s name, wanting his presence at her side. It broke Carrie’s heart to see them both in such agony. She couldn’t recall a time when they’d suffered more than they were right now, totally divided about what to do, but so very much in love with each other. It had to be hell for both John and Marlena.
Carrie was divided herself, about whom she most identified with and about whom she loved and wanted to spend her life with. In recent days, she and Austin seemed to be growing in such different directions and she found herself wondering about something Mike said, ironically enough, way back on her wedding day… Had she rushed into marrying Austin, in part to get back at Sami… Had her feelings begun to change by that point… or was it much more recent? In any case, Carrie found herself being drawn to Mike. He seemed to understand her and he was always available to comfort her when she needed. This crisis with Marlena was prompting her to look at all aspects of her life and take stock. As hard as it was, Carrie was beginning to confront the fact that she had strong feelings for Michael Horton, much stronger than the average friendship. She felt the need to talk about it to someone and she knew Marlena would be able to understand better than anyone, but Carrie didn’t want to be an added burden or truly acknowledge her conflict to anyone else. Therefore, rather than discuss her latest encounter with the handsome young physician, she kept it to herself.
After reawakening and engaging in idle chit chat, Marlena, being the astute observer of people and moods, noticed that something was definitely upsetting her daughter. “Carrie.. it’s obvious that something is weighing on your mind, and I think I might know what it is.. Honey.. would you like to talk about it?”
“No… you have enough to deal with right now. You certainly don’t need to be burdened by anything else. I’m fine.. just a little tired.. you know.. the Chief of Staff campaign took a lot of time and energy and now…. this new job at the hospital…”
“Working here… so close to Mike… how is that going?” she asked, hoping to make inroads. Despite her own very painful circumstances, Marlena had seen many of their interactions in recent weeks, and she was concerned about what might happen, knowing all too well what could develop and the pain that would follow, if it did.
Her eyes were bright as she answered, “It’s wonderful… I love the job and Mike is so…easy to work with… I couldn’t ask for a better situation to further my career.” There was so much more that she didn’t say and it was more than evident to Marlena’s trained eyes and ears.
“But… there are other considerations, other aspects of it that are troubling you.. Carrie, sweetheart.. you know that I love you as much as if you were my own daughter. You can talk to me.. about this.”
“Marlena… there is nothing to talk about, really. Everything about it is great, I’m very excited about this new opportunity and Mike is a terrific.. friend and co-worker.” She hesitated slightly every time she described her relationship with the man, just as Marlena had done with regard to John all those years ago now.
It was all coming back, and she sighed worriedly on Carrie’s behalf. Marlena could see that the young woman’s denial was quite strong, but if the feelings between Carrie and Mike were as powerful as it appeared, it wouldn’t stave off the inevitable. She recalled very clearly the conversations she’d had with Kim, even the one she had only hours before she went to the plane, a move which embarked her and John on the most wonderful and the most painful emotional journey of their lives. It was motivated by a love and desire so intense, so all encompassing that all other thoughts had vanished from her mind. Marlena lied to herself all that time and to Kim. She lied to everyone about just how deep her feelings for John went, how powerful they were, and because of that lie, she gave in to the passion in a moment of great weakness and plunged herself and everyone she loved into a heartbreaking situation. She didn’t want to see Carrie make that same mistake. Reaching out to take a slender hand as a gesture of understanding, Marlena said softly, “Carrie… you know.. that I’m speaking from experience… My affair with John was a terrible mistake… and I hurt people… including myself, including John.. If you.. care for Mike, as deeply as I think you do… denying your feelings is hurting him, as well as you and Austin.”
Reacting by taking her hand back, Carrie said a little too strongly, “Marlena…. there is nothing happening with Mike.. We’re friends… just very good friends. We’ve known each other for practically all of our lives… we’re bound to be close, that doesn’t mean there is anything romantic going on between us.”
Shaking her head slightly and sitting up slightly, Marlena tried again, “Oh… Carrie.. of course that’s true… you have known each other for a long time, but this is different. Honey…. you sound.. just the way I sounded… Your aunt Kim tried to confront me about the danger of my… feelings for John… she tried to get me to admit how deeply I cared for him, but I wouldn’t allow myself to face it. I tried to pretend that I could just.. ignore those feelings, that I was mature and I could handle it. I denied the truth over and over again, Carrie and because I did… when the time was right… when we were placed in a situation where I could no longer deny those feelings, we expressed them… by making love.” Thinking back on all that was painful, but it also reminded her of how strong that bond of love was between them, how deeply ingrained John Black was in her heart and soul. She had to deal with that fact, and the reality that she had put him in a horribly painful no-win situation by not telling him what was happening with her cancer from the very beginning. By excluding him from the decision, she had hurt him significantly, something she hadn’t fully acknowledged before. However, this was not the time to address any of that. Carrie needed and deserved her full attention at the moment. She snapped back to awareness as the young woman gave her reply.
“Marlena… how can you compare my relationship with Mike to your feelings for John? The situations are completely different… you know that! You were married to him and you never had the chance to resolve your feelings when Roman came back. That was why the affair happened. I love Austin, I made a marriage commitment to him and he is the man I want to spend my life with. Mike and I are…”
The look on her mother’s face told her all she needed to know.. Marlena had uttered those same words too… she had tried to pretend that it was her husband, Roman, to whom she had given all of her heart, that there was no room for another man. But, she had been lying to herself, denying her true feelings, just as Carrie was struggling so valiantly to do now. “Oh.. Carrie.. sweetheart.. please be honest with yourself…” Marlena implored during a short pause, seeing the strain her daughter was under in trying to deny the truth.
Suddenly, it became overwhelming and Carrie felt tears welling up behind her eyes, something she had vowed not to allow. Her breath catching in her throat as she spoke, Carrie finally admitted it, “Oh.. Marlena… you’re right… I do… care for Mike… and it *is* more than.. friendship… Marlena… I think, oh… I think I’m in love with him…” Marlena was quiet, knowing it was important for Carrie to express her feelings. Her eyes sent a message that it was all right, that she, of all people would not pass judgement.
Already feeling guilt ridden anyway, Carrie cried and tried to explain it, “I didn’t mean for it to happen, Marlena!. It’s just that… all that time Austin and I were apart.. things were so…strained and Mike was so.. wonderful with me. He was there when I needed him… We laughed, we had fun together… we danced, we talked… We got so close you know.. and then all of sudden I was married to Austin… I do love Austin… but… I’m just so confused Marlena!!” she cried, finally breaking down completely.
Remembering exactly how it felt, Marlena held out her arms, and said softly, “Oh.. Carrie.. honey.. I know… I know you are sweety!” The young woman she loved as a daughter allowed herself to weep openly and seek comfort in the motherly embrace Marlena offerred. It was such a blessing to be so loved and accepted. For Marlena’s part, it felt so fulfilling to be able to help someone else for a change. To get her mind off of her own pain and reach out to Carrie was a godsend. As distressing as she knew it was for Carrie to openly admit being torn between the two men in her life, Marlena also knew that it was the crucial first step toward truly dealing with the problem. It was something she sometimes still wished she’d had the strength to do before she boarded John’s private jet that fateful stormy night nearly five years ago.
Reminders of Faith
Caroline Brady stood outside the door to Marlena’s room at the hospital, having caught a glimpse of a crying Carrie in her *mother’s* arms… the only real mother the young woman ever had. Anna had tried… she’d done her best actually, but she wasn’t cut out for the role of motherhood by any stretch of the imagination. Marlena had been the maternal figure in Carrie’s life and now it was obvious there was something important happening between them. Marlena was clearly in the role of comforter to Carrie’s distress, the opposite of how it had been earlier in the evening, with Marlena needing support from her friends and family members. In a way… that was the most beneficial kind of situation that could develop for Marlena Evans-Black at this time in her life. She saw herself as strong, independent, and self-sufficient, and being in the role of a sick person was quite disconcerting for her. Supporting Carrie, helping her work through some problem, was probably the best medicine available to alleviate Marlena’s suffering at the moment. It would give her strength and bouy her spirits to be enabled to reach out to someone she loved so dearly. Caroline happened to be standing close enough to the door so that she could overhear part of the conversation. What she heard took her totally by surprise…. “Oh.. Marlena.. what am I going to do? I love them both…. and I’m so confused!”
In an instant, Caroline was taken back in time, reminded of her own similar dilemma. Though it was ages ago, she remembered all too well the pain of loving two men at the same time. In this case, it had to be about Mike Horton… ‘Oh.. Carrie dear… not you too,’ she lamented. ‘We’ve all suffered that fate… at least you have the strength to admit it to Marlena, and maybe… you’ll learn from our mistakes. That’s the best we can hope for… that what has come to pass might help you avoid making the same mistakes we made. Her own memories seemed to meld with the look she remembered seeing on Roman’s face the day of Belle’s Christening… more acurately..on all three faces. Roman was heartbroken, Marlena was utterly devastated and full of shame and John… she didn’t even know how to describe the expression of nearly crippling guilt and remorse on his face. All their lives were thrown in turmoil from that moment on… If only Carrie could find the strength to make a different choice in her life. Admitting openly to her love for the other man was a first and very important step toward that end.
The only thing Caroline Brady knew to do was to turn to God in prayer again.. he could help in a way that no human being could ever do. Folding her hands together, the older woman sighed exhaustedly as she sat down on one of the couches in the waiting area to pray, ‘ Dear Lord….. please… work in this situation too… Help Carrie make a wise decision for herself and the people she cares about. I know that she loves Austin… and now she is apparently in love with Mike as well. Give her the inner strength to do what is right, to honor her vows and let go of her feelings for Mike.. or…’ Caroline stopped for a moment; she simply couldn’t condone the alternative. No matter how much she had seen the rules of love changing… learning to accept the fact that those much younger than she were completely comfortable living together without benefit of a ceremony or a license.. having affairs while married, breaking up with seemingly little reason or effort to solve the problems… she just couldn’t truly accept the idea that forsaking one’s wedding vows was ever the right thing to do. Steeped in the faith and traditions of the Catholic Church, she truly believed in the sanctity of the marriage bond and would never be able to encourage Carrie to leave Austin for Mike Horton, no matter how much the young woman loved the second man. If she were going to break off her relationship with Austin, it should have come before she stood in front of God and many witnesses and recited the sacred wedding vows to him.
‘Dear God… I pray that Marlena can help Carrie through this difficult time… and please allow it to lift Marlena’s spirits to reach out to someone else in need, even during her own dark hours. Take care of both of them…and please, God… protect Marlena’s unborn child. Guide me as I try to support them and John as well. They’re all hurting so terribly tonight… fill them up with your love, Lord… and please…. give them courage and strength to endure these trying times…. And most of all, right now, Lord… I ask that you find a way to bring John and Marlena back together… I know that they love each other as much or more than they ever have… please don’t let this horrible situation they’re facing destroy their love, God. I pray all these things in the name of your son, Amen.’
As she finished her prayer, she looked up to see Carrie exiting Marlena’s room and waving toward her.. It was her turn to visit, at last. She didn’t know what she’d say… maybe not much of anything. Maybe what Marlena needed now was silent support. Caroline would trust her Lord to guide her throughout the late evening, leading her in whatever direction he wanted her to go. “Hello, Carrie dear… are you all right?” she asked with genuine concern, yet not wanting to indicate that she knew something specific about what was bothering her granddaughter.
Smiling weakly, the young woman said, “Well.. to be honest Grandma… no, I’m not… but talking to Marlena helped me.. very much. She’s such a.. wonderful person…” Carrie’s voice broke as she thought of all that Marlena had done for her, all the love she’d given.. as compared to the overwhelming amount of pain and hardship she’d suffered in her life. “Grandma… I just don’t understand how God can.. let her go through all this pain… I guess I should go pray… but it’s so.. hard to have faith sometimes.”
Leaning in to give her granddaughter a hug, Caroline said, “I know dear… it’s very difficult sometimes…but I believe that God is always with us, that he always cares and wants what is best for us. We may not see it, but he is working to bring good out of all the painful times we face in our lives.”
“I hope so… I really hope so,” was all Carrie said in response to that assertion. Gathering her wits about her, she made a half hearted attempt at a smile and finished with, “Well, Marlena wanted to see you.. but she’s getting tired… She might fall asleep on you.”
“Oh.. that’s all right with me. I’ll see you later and I’ll be remembering you in my prayers too. I love you, Carrie.”
“I love you too, Grandma.” She was going to leave it at that, but just as the older, wiser woman was about to enter Marlena’s room, Carrie said respectfully, ” I have to tell you… I really admire your faith, Grandma…. no matter what happens, you always turn to God… You amaze me sometimes… I just wanted you to know that.”
Caroline crossed the distance to embrace the young woman she loved so very much. With tears in her eyes, she said, “Oh.. Carrie… thank you..for saying that. My faith is what allows me to get out of bed in the morning and what enables me to get through the roughest days. It’s what lets me sleep at night. God is always there, no matter how alone I feel, no matter how much I’ve suffered, how much I’ve… lost, he has been there to rely on… through it all.”
Carrie nodded with understanding and said, “I know…I forget that sometimes… usually when I need to remember it the most. Thank you for reminding me, Grandma,” she finished softly, thinking she would stop by the chapel after all. She watched as Caroline disappeared into Marlena’s room, taking comfort in the thought that her mother was going to reap the benefit of that steadfast faith and unwavering belief in God’s goodness. Though it was getting late, seeing Caroline was just what Marlena needed.
Just as John reached his greatest level of frustration, shouting out in his agony, looking for answers and comfort he didn’t believe he would get, he turned to the sound of a familiar voice. He was embarrassed and slightly ashamed to have been yelling in the sanctuary.
“John…” said the soft voice of the man who walked up behind him.
His face went almost ghost white to have been overheard, screaming at God, but to have been overheard by his one time fellow Priest in God’s own house, left him feeling a sense of overpowering shame. All he wanted to do was leave the scene, as quickly as humanly possible without being rude. He stammered as he tried to make some sort of an apology, “Tim? Oh… I.. uh.. I’m sorry… did I disturb you? I thought… Oh, I don’t know what I thought… I’ll just.. leave now, ” he finished very awkwardly, as he took a few steps toward the door, his gaze directed downward.
Giving no indication of being upset with his friend, Tim tried to convince John to stay by reflecting what he’d heard underneath the anger and frustration in John’s words, “No… don’t go, John… you’re hurting… very much and I think you still want God’s comfort. That’s why you came here, isn’t it?”
The anger flared swiftly, the shame disappearing as quickly as it had come over him, “No… I came here for answers, Tim!” he replied bitterly as he whirled back around. “I want to know WHY! I want to understand why it is that Marlena and I… deserve to keep facing so much pain in our lives.. After everything we’ve been through… don’t we… get a chance to be happy, Tim? Is it the affair… are we still being punished for that sin?” John asked, feeling like that weighty encumbrance would never truly vanish from their lives.
“Oh.. John…you know that’s not it… God, doesn’t.. bring punishment like this. John, Marlena got sick and she happened to be pregnant at the same time. It’s not God’s doing. He loves you and he loves Marlena.. believe it or not… even more than you do. That’s why he worked through you to save her when she was possessed.”
Somehow hearing that only made him feel more upset and confused. Shaking his head, a bewildered expression on his face, he asked, “Well, then… why can’t he do something now? He saved her from the Devil… why can’t he just.. heal the cancer, Tim? If he loves her the way you say he does… how can he… let her go through this?”
“John…. I know that it probably sounds so trite to you… and it’s of little comfort right now.. but God’s ways… are greater than ours… They’re hard to understand because he is an infinite being, John… he doesn’t think the way we do… He sees the big picture, he sees history in its entirety… something we can only begin to imagine… and so the things that happen in our lives don’t always make sense to us, especially while we’re in the thick of a trial.”
Hearing the other man talk of God’s ways just seemed to fuel the sense of utter helplessness he was feeling and John exploded with emotion, rattling off a long angry diatribe as he paced up and down the aisle using his hands to illustrate his message, “You’re right about that! It doesn’t make any sense at all! Hell, Tim… I don’t even remember most of MY life.. I was HIS Priest… his servant and he let Stefano steal that life away from me.” Snapping his fingers to emphasize the point, John continued, the intensity building as he went, “…all my memories gone in the blink of an eye… and then.. I had another life as Roman Brady… and I *loved* that life… but he let Stefano take that too… and then… I had a life with Izzy… but God took her! And now… all these years later… after all the pain and suffering Marlena and I have endured ever since the affair ended….. I got mixed up with Kristen..” He stopped for a moment, acknowledging that he bore the lion’s share of the responsibility for his pain that time, “Okay…I blame myself for that one.. but Tim… we were both held prisoner by that madman… and we almost died because of him…several times over…. Then, finally he was caught… finally we were back together… and I was thanking God… We found our love again and we had a couple months of happiness, and then what happens? Marlena gets CANCER!! You’re damn right it doesn’t make sense! Nothing about this MAKES SENSE!!! and I’m so DAMN ANGRY!” When John finished, his breathing was ragged from the intensity of his expression, and he stared the other man down, daring him to give an answer to all that, to challenge the anger as unjust, but that didn’t happen. Instead, his friend remained calm and loving in the face of John’s vehemence, accepting the emotions as valid, yet not allowing him to put it all on God.
Tim truly understood how he was feeling… they did seem to have been subjected to more than their fare share of very painful experiences. At times like these Tim didn’t have all the answers. Sometimes there were none.. but still there was faith that God would be there to love them through the pain and suffering. “John… I understand your anger and I understand why you’re questioning God about this… He can take your anger, your frustration, and your fear… and he’ll still love you… He wants to help you through this.. whatever happens, John, God will be with you.. and Marlena.”
Still not taking it to heart, John countered, his voice shaky with the fear and frustration of not understanding and desperately wanting someone to stop the pain, “Well… it doesn’t feel like he’s with me.. It feels like.. he’s punishing me…again and again and again!” Grasping at straws, still seeking answers that no one could give, John offered what appeared to be a plausible explanation for what was happening, “Maybe that’s it… maybe it’s me…. if I leave her alone.. maybe… maybe she’ll be okay… and she’ll find someone who won’t hurt her the way I have.. Maybe that’s what God’s trying to do here… get me to realize, once and for all that I’m just no good for her,” he finished, dropping his head in sadness.
Shaking his head to negate the illogical theory, yet at the same time understanding how John might draw that conclusion, Tim gently confronted him, “Oh… John… listen to yourself… Now who’s not making any sense? You know that’s not true! Marlena loves you… she.. adores you, John… and with all the women in your life… you’ve never loved anyone as deeply and completely as you love her. Anyone who knows you realizes that the two of you belong together. John… I’ve even heard first time visitors to the church mention it. It’s in the way you both react when the other one comes into a room..Your eyes light up and you smile like you’ve just seen the seven wonders of the world… It’s in the way you talk to each other… the way you embrace. Even a Priest like me can see that… It was obvious to me for a very long time.”
After a pause to let those comments penetrate the man’s heart, Tim strongly suggested a proper response to the confusing circumstances in which his friend found himself. Putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder, he said, “John… what you need to do is go back to God in prayer and ask for his guidance.. Stop wallowing in your anger, fear, and self-pity. Stop looking for someone to blame and turn the pain over to him, John… ask for his strength and his wisdom to endure this trial and he *will* answer your prayers. I’ll pray with you… if you’d like,” Tim added, leaving a comforting hand on John’s right shoulder.
Glancing at that loving hand… suddenly feeling much calmer, a sense of peace beginning to penetrate and touch his aching heart, John sighed wearily and nodded his head. He turned back toward the altar and did as suggested, kneeling down before the Lord. Tim joined him and together they prayed in silence for a moment before the Priest spoke out loud. “Dear Lord… please help John to make a wise decision in his relationship with his wife. They are at a very difficult crossroads… and their hearts are heavy… lift that burden Lord… let them see that it’s love and faith in each other, faith in you that will get them through this trial. God… I know that you love them more than we can begin to understand… help them to see that, help them to feel it in their hearts. Lord… please be with Marlena now… as she fights for her life and for the life of her unborn child… We know that you care for her… that you have a purpose for her far beyond anything we can see… please give her strength and courage to face all that lies ahead.”
John could hardly listen any longer… the fear for Marlena’s life was all consuming in its hold over him. He cried out to the heavens in desperation, “Oh.. God.. don’t take her… please don’t take her from me!”
Tim leaned over, placed his arm around John’s slumped shoulders, and kept praying, “And Lord… Oh, merciful savior… be with John during this most difficult time…. guide him, give him the faith and strength and courage that *he* needs… help him to understand that this is not a punishment for his sins. Give him eyes to see and ears to hear… and touch his heart.. Wrap him up in your fatherly arms… and let him feel your love… now more than ever before… It is in the name of the son, and of the father, and of the holy spirit that we pray… Amen.”
John was trembling as he began to let that love fill him up; he was fighting it for some reasons he didn’t understand and the intensity of the struggle made his body shake. At some point, he let go of the control and that was all it took. The floodgates went open wide and he wept with mixed emotions, allowing himself feel God’s love in all its divine glory. There were no words exchanged for a long while, Tim intuitively sensing John’s need to relinquish control and release the pain he was feeling and the guilt he was experiencing for his own actions during the crisis. Finally, Tim spoke to him, saying softly, “You know what you have to do, don’t you, John?”
Wiping his face of yet another round of tears, he nodded slightly and said with a sniffle, “Yea…. I know… I need to go to her. I love her, Tim.. more than life itself and I’m going to be with her… whatever happens, however long we have… I’m her husband and I should be by her side…. I’m going to accept her decision about the baby and I’m going to be there for her every step of the way.”
Tim nodded, patted him on the back and smiled lightly… “That’s the man of courage that I know so well… Go on.. get out of here. Get a good night’s sleep and go see her in the morning.” Surveying John’s disheveled, red-eyed, stubble faced appearance, Tim added only half teasingly, “You look completely whipped… you’d probably scare her if you went to see her looking like that.”
Glancing at himself in a nearby mirror, John gave a soggy chuckle and said, “Yea… you’re right… I would.. besides the kids really need me to be there for them right now. I’ll go spend the night with them and then we’ll all go over to the hospital together first thing in the morning.”
“Now that sounds like a terrific idea. I bet she would love to see three smiling faces when she wakes up.”
“Yea… there haven’t been too many smiles for her lately, but I’m going to change all that… starting tomorrow.” Suddenly, he felt a little lighter…. the oppressive darkness fading slightly; he could breathe and he could think a little more clearly. He could feel something other than the agonizing fear and pain of separation. There was a glimmer of hope in his heart now that hadn’t been there when he entered the building. “Thanks Tim… thanks for not… judging me for yelling at God like that… for what I said. I’m just…”
“It’s okay… God can handle it.. He loves all of you very much, John… he’ll be there for you… if you let him.”
Somewhat irked with himself for having forgotten, John replied quietly, “Yea… I know… thanks for reminding me.”
Tim smiled and touched him on the arm, saying warmly, “Any time, John… I mean that… day or night…you call me if you need to talk or if you want someone to pray with you.”
Nodding his head, he agreed, feeling thankful for his friend and spiritual confidant, “I will… I appreciate that… more than I can say… You’re a good man, Tim…. and a terrific Priest. You do God proud.”
“So do you, John… so do you.” John only nodded and flashed a subdued grin that said… ‘thanks but I’m not so sure of that right now as you seem to be.’ “I’ll see you…” he said after a pause.
“Yes… and give my love to Marlena… she’s in my prayers daily…” Tim added sincerely.
“I will and she’ll be glad to know that.” With that, he turned to leave the sanctuary. There was nothing more to be said. Now it was time for action. John’s faith in God and his ability to trust and love unconditionally were about to be tested more than ever before in his life. The least he could do to prepare for what lay ahead was to get a good night’s sleep.
Pain is Served in Unequal Portions
Caroline Brady stepped quietly into the room where Marlena laid sleeping, at last. ‘God knows she needed to get some rest after the emotional roller coaster of a day she had just endured.’ Caroline reviewed the events as she knew them, wanting to get a sense of how Marlena might be feeling. She had left the house alone, thinking that John wasn’t going to share in the pregnancy in any meaningful way, believing their separation might lead to a permanent breakup. Then he unexpectedly showed up at the ultrasound in the nick of time… They shared some wonderful moments holding hands and looking at their unborn child on the screen. But, as quickly as it began, the dream was over and they were back to the same place, completely at odds about the baby and the cancer, and therefore, the marital relationship. Directly after their tearful goodbye, the baby was in distress and Marlena was admitted to the hospital for evaluation and monitoring. Another encounter with John, who had come to offer comfort, had ended badly with the couple parting in tears again. According to everything Caroline had learned… as far as Marlena was concerned they were farther apart than ever before in their long convoluted history, though the love that existed between them was as strong and as deep as it had ever been. It was the quintessential paradoxical circumstance. Finally, the destructive force that had caused them the most pain and placed seemingly insurmountable obstacles on the path to wedded bliss, the Dimera family, had been reigned in, their trials to begin very soon. And yet, only a handful of months after their long awaited nuptials, John and Marlena were separated. The sardonic irony of the situation was not lost on anyone, least of all Marlena, she guessed.
As she sat down on the chair across from the bed, Caroline let out a long tired sigh, feeling a mother’s burden. Marlena was much like a daughter to her, just as John was considered a son. She loved them both deeply and seeing them in so much pain over their seemingly irresolvable predicament was quite distressing. It was so hard to understand why they encountered such an inordinate amount of adversity in their lives and Caroline wished with all her might that God would answer that question of ‘Why.’ Resigned to the fact that some questions were destined to go unanswered, she decided that she would do as she had always done. She would put her faith and trust in the Lord and reach out to these two people whom she loved as if she had carried them within her womb.
Being supportive to both of them and yet managing to remain somewhat neutral was next to impossible for her. In her heart of hearts, she believed that Marlena was making the right choice to keep the baby and wait on the cancer treatment. The Catholic Church was as firm on the sanctity of life as it was the marriage vows, if not moreso, and Caroline Brady was immersed in that faith. Taking the life of an unborn child, even in a situation like this, was tantamount to murder in the eyes of some members of that denomination. When it came to these matters, she didn’t want to impose her values, but it was sometimes unavoidable. In this case, it wasn’t nearly so clearcut for Caroline. The thought of losing Marlena to cancer was nearly unbearable for her to even contemplate.
And then there was John…. whom she had just spent an hour confronting and comforting. If anyone asked her opinion about how he would handle it if the unspeakable happened, she would have to admit that she believed it would literally destroy him. He was very strong, one of the bravest souls she had ever known.. but to lose Marlena.. now, after everything they had suffered, at a time when they believed that they were finally free from all the pain in their past. She honestly didn’t think he could survive it. Losing Isabella had been bad enough, but at least he had Marlena to lean on. She had essentially taken him by the hand and brought him out of the darkness that had enveloped him at the time, giving him the strength to get through that nightmarish experience, helping him to acknowledge the pain and express it so that he could eventually move on with his own life again. Even when he was with other women, Marlena was his rock, his anchor when the seas got rough and if she were taken too, Caroline believed that he would be set adrift in an ocean of unimaginable pain and confusion once again, this time without the lifeline her love and friendship had provided.
Wondering what they would all do if Marlena died, Caroline once again turned to her Lord, “Oh… dear God… I love them both so much… and I can’t bear to see them suffer any more pain… Please Lord… find a way to bring them together… show them your love and mercy and bring healing into their relationship, as well as to Marlena’s body. In your infinite wisdom… help them learn to accept and face whatever the future holds in store… take care of them and their unborn child. And, Lord… show all of those who love them how to lend a helping hand whenever the opportunity arises. Help us all to give them the love and support they need in this most difficult, confusing time.” As she looked up, she noticed that Marlena was moving around in the bed, obviously dreaming……
John was with her……. he was smiling, no… beaming with pride and joy as he gazed lovingly at the little bundle in his arms. Their youngest child was a boy, and he was so beautiful, so perfect… She sighed contentedly as he handed the tiny parcel to her; the baby was ready to eat and Marlena was going to nurse him, a very special bonding experience that she cherished with all her heart. John looked on admiringly, saying, “Oh.. Doc, I’m so happy.. he’s just beautiful. I can’t believe that I ever asked you to….”
Shaking her head slightly, she hushed him with a fingertip to his lips, “Shh…. let’s not ever say that… never again, John… it’s over. We have a gorgeous healthy son and now… I’m going to do what I have to do to beat this cancer. It’s going to be all right, honey.. you’ll see, ” she said confidantly as she looked down at her son, who was already getting the knack of latching on.
“Marlena… I’m sorry… for what I put you through… I never meant to hurt you.. it was just so… hard for me to deal with, and I wanted you to be okay… Do you forgive me?” he asked sincerely.
“Of course I do, John… I love you and I understand your reaction much better now, but that’s all in the past. We have to concentrate on raising our three wonderful children. I’m going to have the lymph node dissection right away and start on treatment immediately. I know that means giving up breast feeding, but I’m willing to make that much of a sacrifice. I’ll nurse until shortly before the first chemo treatment.”
John nodded, wishing they didn’t have to spend the baby’s first day talking about something that was so worriesome. He was resigned to the fact, however. Actually, it was a case of ‘the sooner the better’ as far as he was concerned. He didn’t want to waste another precious second of Marlena’s life. Every day counted at this juncture, as it had been eight months since the diagnosis was made. Who was to know how far the cancer might have progressed. The testing was to begin in earnest tomorrow morning and they were both petrified about what might be discovered. “You know I support that decision, Marlena… and I know you’re as scared about tomorrow as I am.. it’s okay to talk about it, Doc.”
“I’m fine, John… really… I’ve been preparing for this for months and I’m ready to face it now.” She was struggling to maintain her strong exterior, believing she had to for his sake. He had been so distraught before and Marlena wanted to spare him the additional burden of her fearful tears.
Reaching out for her, caressing her cheek and stroking her hair, he spoke softly, encouraging her to open up, “Doc…… it’s okay… you can share it with me. You don’t have to deal with this alone anymore. I can handle it better now too and I’m gonna be by your side… I’ll be with you for everything… every test, every treatment…. I’m in it for the duration. I love you.”
There was such tenderness in his gentle touch, and sincerity in his voice. Hers trembled as she told him what it meant that he was with her now, “Oh…. John… I’m so glad we were able to work it out… I love you so much…. and I don’t think… I could make it without you.”
The hazy images of love and forgiveness started to fade in favor of darker ones…. She was alone, lying flat on her back in bed… all her friends and family gathered around her. She could hear every word, every sigh, but was too weak to respond to what they were saying. John was leaning over her holding both hands in his, pleading with her, “No… Doc… don’t go… please don’t leave me! I can’t make it without you… No.. you can’t die, Doc.. you just can’t die!!”
There were others, trying to help him face the fact that she was fading away…. Shawn and Caroline, Bo, and Hope, Mike, Abe and Lexie, Sami, Eric and Carrie…
“John…. you have to let her go… she’s in pain and she’s hanging on for you… You have to find a way to say goodbye, so she can die in peace and be free from the pain,” said Mike Horton.
John was overwrought, crying out to them, “But I can’t… don’t you understand? I don’t know how to live without her… I can’t raise the kids by myself… I can’t do it, I NEED her!!”
Caroline was there next with a hand on his shoulder, imploring him to dig deep and find unknown strength, “Honey… I know this is unbearable… and you can’t imagine living without her… but you have to let go, for Marlena’s sake… She’s suffering.. you don’t want her to linger on in pain any longer do you?”
He burst into tears, suddenly realizing how selfish he was being and yet… saying the words they wanted him to say would be impossible, “No… I don’t.. but I..can’t… I just.. can’t say goodbye… I love her so much…” John leaned over her and wrapped his arms around her emaciated form, holding her tighter than he should, crying out in intense desperation, “Oh, Doc…. I love you! I want to go with you… Take with me with you!!” Suddenly, he looked skyward and cried out to his Lord, “Please.. God… take me too! Take me too!!” He was weeping uncontrollably and was obviously beyond rational thought for the moment, so Abe and Shawn gently separated him from Marlena without a word, guided him out of the room and into one of the nearby lounges, where Mike administered a sedative to help him get some sleep. He hadn’t rested in several days and desperately needed it. When he awakened, it was highly likely Marlena would be gone. Maybe it would be better that way…..
Caroline noticed that the expression on Marlena’s face was changing… the peaceful countenance disappearing in favor of a highly distressed one. She began to roll and moan, calling out someone’s name… “No…. no.. John… don’t go… don’t leave me alone… I want, John…. I just want John….” As Caroline approached the bed, intending to gently wake the occupant, Marlena’s eyes opened wide. She blinked rapidly, her breathing was rapid, and she was trembling slightly. “Oh… Caroline…” she said when she became aware of her surroundings, thankful it was all in a dream.
“You were dreaming… I was just about to wake you.. Are you alright?” she asked, her concern quite evident, as she reached out a comforting hand to grasp Marlena’s.
She shut her eyes momentarily, reviewing the images that had played inside her mind so vividly. “I don’t know… it was pretty… upsetting,” Marlena replied, consciously working at making her breathing return to normal.
Guessing about the content, Caroline asked quietly, “Do you want to tell me about it?”
She blew out a long sigh… thinking it would probably help to talk with Caroline. She was so understanding and she knew John better than most others with whom the couple was close. Caroline still loved John as a son and she would have a mother’s insights. After a long silence in which she allowed herself to feel the emotions evoked by her dreams, Marlena nodded and based on that last part of it said, “Yes… I think I would… But first.. I wanted to ask you.. have you spoken to Abe or Bo? Have you heard anything from John after he… after I… sent him away?”
Caroline sighed exhaustedly too; it had been a painful conversation and John was in great pain and that knowledge would only make Marlena feel worse. “Yes… I did. They told me he was very upset, that you’d told him to leave. After that the doctors gave John an ultimatum…either support you completely and stay with you through the pregnancy or… stay out of your life entirely until after the baby is born.”
“Oh.. Caroline…” was all she could say as the ostensibly everpresent salty liquid formed once more. No matter that she had said essentially the same thing…. hearing it from Mike and Sarah had to be very difficult. She knew that her husband was hurting terribly and as much as it upset her that he hadn’t met her demand, she did have empathy for his pain.
“Well, as you might imagine…. he was distraught. If you heard him yell, it was about God…. he said he wouldn’t let God take you like he took Isabella and then he ran out. I found him down at the pier and we… talked.”
She was glad he wasn’t alone and that it was Caroline who had spoken with him. His adoptive mother always had a calming effect on him. “You did? Well.. how did it go? How is he, Caroline… really?”
“Oh.. Marlena… he’s suffering very much. He feels guilty for his reaction to all of this, but he’s so… afraid of losing you. You know that the memories of Isabella’s death have all come back and he keeps imagining losing you the same way. It’s unbearable for him… he does love the baby… but that fear is overwhelming.”
Another long sigh escaped her mouth, “I know he’s in pain, but I don’t know how to help him with it, Caroline.. I can’t… make the choice that he wants me to make. Regardless of what it means for me personally, and for John, I can’t take this child’s life. It wouldn’t be right… I know you agree with me.”
Reluctantly, she admitted the truth, “Yes, dear.. I do, but I also understand how he’s feeling. Marlena, we’ve never really talked about this… but I think you need to know what it was like when he believed he was Roman and he thought you died… all those years ago. He was totally devastated. He couldn’t think straight.. he couldn’t eat or sleep, he cried every day for months.. though he tried to hide it from us. To tell you the truth, there were times when I thought he wouldn’t make it back. It was Carrie and the twins that carried him through it that first time. And then, when it was Isabella…I saw that same emptiness, that sense of not ever being able to smile again… The only reason he managed to go on after losing Isabella was the fact that you were there for him. I think he knows in his heart that if he loses you… he won’t survive it.”
That was the hardest part of all…. realizing that her ex-mother-in-law was probably correct in her assessment, that the images playing in her dream were as close to reality as one could get without being in the situation. With an immense weariness, she replied with empathy and fear for both of them, “Oh.. Caroline… this is so… difficult. I’m frightened out of mind… I don’t want to die… and leave him alone. God knows that’s the last thing I want… but I’ve thought about this until it’s made me crazy.” Tears were falling steadily now, tears for herself, for John… for the children and her breath caught in her throat as she continued, “No matter how.. scared I am…of what the future holds for me, I can’t… abort this baby to save my life.” As she struggled to continue, her hands went to her belly, “This is a child.. created out of the love John and I share… a life every bit as.. precious as all my other children, every bit as.. valuable as mine. I can’t take that life away to spare John suffering or for any other reason. Do you understand… please tell me you understand, Caroline!” she finished with an anxious plea. Somehow it was very important to hear this woman of faith say that she agreed.
Hugging Marlena in her motherly arms, Caroline gave the answer the younger woman needed to hear, her own tears falling in tandem with Marlena’s, “I do… I truly do understand and I support your decision completely, even though it’s impossible to think we might lose you.. I love you so much, dear…. I just wanted to make sure you understand how he’s feeling. He loves you *and* your child and he wants to be there for you, but it’s tearing him apart to think of keeping the baby, knowing that the longer you delay, the greater the risk to your life. I don’t know if he can do what you ask of him… even if he tries with all his might. The memories of Isabella’s death are going to be with him every step of the way… and he may say and do things that cause undue stress for you and the baby.”
Still crying, but beginning to calm down, Marlena shared her bottom line sentiments about the situation, “Caroline… I understand that… and I can handle that part of it… If he can just… stop pressuring me about having an abortion… I can take the rest of it. I do care… deeply about how he feels and I know that the reminders are there, staring him in the face. Somehow we’ll find a way to get through that part of it together, but we *have* to be in agreement about keeping the baby or we’ll never make it.”
Caroline nodded sadly, wishing that they didn’t have to face such an excruciatingly difficult dilemma. She knew that Marlena was correct… the road ahead was only going to become more precarious to navigate and they had to be of one accord about keeping their child in order to survive the challenges that lay in waiting for both of them. “Yes… you’re right… I pray he can come to accept your choice and support you in it.”
Marlena responded with a worried sigh, then said, “Oh.. so do I, Caroline… so do I. I need him… I need John more than I ever have before. If he doesn’t… I’ll find a way to get through this, but I really want him by my side.. and the children are going to need his strength as well. I pray that God helps him find it.”
Bo and Abe were essentially loitering in the hospital corridors talking, when it suddenly occurred to Abe that he should check on his wife. “Hey… I need to make a quick call, then I want to go see if we can find John… are you game or do you need to get back to Hope and Shawn D?”
His friend and co-worker sighed wistfully, thinking how far they were from spending long summer’s evenings together, and yet there was a faint glimmer of hope as a result of their last few conversations, “Well, you know… we have been talking recently. I think she’s about ready to give us a try again… providing I start all over, you know.. take her out on dates.. the whole thing.”
“Oh.. Bo…that’s great news! Good luck with it!” Abe said with genuine happiness. It was wonderful to get good news at a time like this.
“Thanks… you know I haven’t said anything to John about it, but I was thinking about telling him… Do you think maybe he’d be happy about it?”
“Oh.. you know he would, Bo.. he’s been pulling for you two all along. I know for a fact that he’s been encouraging Hope to give you another chance. He loves both of you, just like he always has. What he said tonight… don’t hold that against him, Bo.. he didn’t mean it.. he’s just so scared about Marlena.”
“I know he cares, I guess it just threw me a little when he said that about what happened with Billie.. not that it was undeserved. I’ve thought about it though, and I think you’re right.. he’s so afraid of losing Marlena and we made him face it, so he popped off at us.”
“Good, I’m glad you recognized that… he’s really been under a lot of pressure and we were there when it started to blow, that’s all.” After a moment’s pause, he said, “Well then, let me make this call quick.” He took a step away and opened the cell phone. It was only a second or two before he heard the soft voice of the woman he loved, “Hi honey… how are you?”
“I’m okay.. but I’m worried about John and Marlena… what’s happening?” she asked, hoping to hear they had reconciled since she last heard anything, but realizing that was probably too much to expect.
“Well, for the sake of time, I’ll give you the short version. Marlena and the baby are stable, for now. Laura and Maggie were with her for quite awhile, then Carrie and now Caroline’s in with her.”
When he paused, Lexie seized upon the good news, saying, “Well, that’s good to hear; she has lots of support.” She didn’t want to ask but was compelled to do so when Abe didn’t speak, “What about John…how’s he doing.. where is he?”
Another heavy sigh escaped his lips before he answered sadly, “Oh.. Lex… John’s a total wreck.” Abe blew out another long breath and then recapped the events, “You know he went in to see her.. and they talked for awhile, but she asked him to leave and then the doctors gave John a choice.. telling him he had to decide to either accept her decision and commit to the pregnancy and stay with Marlena for the duration or stay away from her completely until after the baby is born.”
It was so unfair that they had to endure so much pain. Feeling profound sadness for the painful dilemma the other couple faced, she said, “Oh.. Abe… that must have been so hard for him… How did he take it?” she asked, knowing what her husband would tell her.
“Like you might imagine… horrible…. he’s so afraid and.. confused. He was really upset.. and yelling at God…. then he took off out of here before Bo and I could stop him and try to calm him down.. I think Caroline went after him, but we haven’t had a chance to talk to her yet to see if she found him.”
“Well, you’re going to go looking for him anyway, aren’t you?” she asked, a part of her wanting her husband home with her, in their bed.. the other wanting him to find their friend and help him through what was obviously going to be a very rough night. When he didn’t answer right away, she added a comment meant to give him the freedom to do what he needed to help his friend, “Honey… if you need to stay with John tonight.. I’ll understand.”
Her ability to think of others was amazing to him, even after all this time. “Do you know.. how much I love and appreciate you?”
“Oh… I think so.. but I won’t mind a bit if you show me the next time you see me… and the baby won’t mind either.”
He sighed and smiled thankfully. “The baby… sometimes.. I almost forget… I’m so glad your pregnancy is going along so smoothly Lex… it’s such a blessing in times like these.”
Running her hands over the small mound, she sighed peacefully, and said, “Yes… it truly is. I’m so thrilled Abe… to know that in a few months we’ll be bringing a new little Carver into the world. I just wish it weren’t so difficult for John and Marlena.. they don’t deserve all this pain, Abe.” Suddenly, it began to overwhelm her and she started to cry. “Marlena and I were.. getting closer… and we were going to share this special time… and now… she can’t handle being around me… She hasn’t said it.. but I know it’s true, Abe!” she finished, as the tears started to trickle out.
Abe felt bad for her… she had been so excited about having someone to share in that experience, and since Marlena had been through it and was older and wiser, it was going to be a very special time for his wife. He spoke supportively, acknowledging her disappointment, but at the same time trying to end on an encouraging note, “Oh… Lex… I know you were really looking forward to that… Maybe.. things will change.. Maybe, John will find a way to deal with the situation and go back to her and then they’ll start to come around again. That’s what I’m praying for, honey.”
It was so upsetting, she didn’t want to talk about it anymore and she was worried for John. It was nice to know that at least Marlena had the support of Laura and Maggie and the Brady family. “Me too.. honey.. me too. Go on.. go find John and be there for him. He needs you more than I do tonight.”
“Are you sure… You know that there is nothing more important to me than you and our baby.. if you need me to come home, I will. Bo can go after John.. they have some things to talk out anyway.” “No… that’s all right, Abe.. I love you for saying that… but I’ll be just fine, you go ahead. You know how much I care about John…”
He nodded his head, and said appreciatively, “Thank you, Lexie… I think he does need me… but, I’ll be home as soon as I can. Goodbye babe.”
Bye honey.. I love you….”
“I love you too… more than I can say… ” With that they closed up their phones, glad to share such a wonderful, mutually supportive relationship and good fortune as well. It was strange though.. as grateful as they felt, there was a hint of guilt for feeling that way when their friends seemed to face one terribly painful ordeal after another. Life just wasn’t fair to John and Marlena. There weren’t two more loving, caring people in the world. They just didn’t deserve to suffer so much and their friends couldn’t help but feel some anger toward the God who seemingly allowed the pain to continue coming into their lives.
A New Day Dawning
It seemed like it had taken forever for the night to end, but finally, the sun was rising and John couldn’t wait for the day to begin in earnest. He opened the bedroom window and gazed down through the trees to the lake; the birds were chirping a friendly melody and the air was fresh and clean. It was a new day, signifying a new beginning for love. The decision had been made and he was going to see his wife and tell her about it.
Praying and talking with Abe and Bo, then Caroline and finally Father Tim Jansen had helped him tremendously and he was as ready as he was ever going to get for whatever lay ahead. He realized that his love for Marlena was all that mattered and if keeping the baby was what she needed to do, then he had to support her in that choice, come what may. Having committed himself to a course of action was amazingly liberating and he woke up with a sense of peace about his decision and about the future with Marlena and his children, even if it were fraught with uncertainty. The fear of losing her was pushed aside in favor of the love in his heart and his desire to spend every second he possibly could with her and their children.
After seeing Marlena, John planned on taking a meeting with his top executives at Alamain Industries, as well as the Toscano Foundation. He would be delegating many of his responsibilities for his companies to trusted underlings so that he could concentrate on being there for Marlena. From the moment he laid eyes on her again, they were going to be inseparable, that is…if he had anything to say about it. They were going to do everything together, take the trips they’d always dreamed of taking, see the friends and family for which they never seemed to find enough time, spend plenty of simple, lazy summer afternoons with the kids… swimming in their pond and hanging out around their new home… He had so many plans, so many great ideas rolling around in his head about how to reconnect and make the time they spent together more meaningful for everyone. He was bound and determined to fill Marlena’s life with love and laughter. The more he thought about it, the more excited he was becoming about seeing her again, about holding her in his arms, kissing her… and maybe even…
His little girl had to tug on his sleeve to capture his attention, as he was seemingly in another world entirely. “Daddy….. oh… Daddy… didn’t you hear us?” asked a sweet little feminine voice.
John slowly became aware that he had not been paying attention to the children, something else he had made a vow about… being there for Belle and Brady, not just in terms of his physical presence… but more related to listening and being actively involved in their lives again. He wouldn’t abandon them because he was distraught about what was happening to their mother. It wasn’t fair to them… they deserved better than he had given them.. The honest truth he had to face was that ever since the day they were born, they had both taken second place behind the woman of the hour… Marlena most definitely wasn’t in that category, but still they needed him just as much as she did. ‘No more!’ he vowed. “Huh? Oh… yea.. sorry about that I was just….”
“Thinking of Momma, I bet.. ” Belle said as she sat down next to him on the couch with a sweet sly smile on her face, so much like the one her mother flashed at him. He felt a tear in his eye as he thought of her again…
Chuckling and amazed by their insights, John said with a hint of embarrassment, “Yea…. you got me… I was thinking of your Mommy… So, did you guys think of a good surprise yet?” he asked, pulling both of them into a friendly hug.
What they said hit home hard, “We sure did… You… you’re the surprise… Mommy has been so sad without you, Daddy… She tried to pretend it was okay…. but she cried in the night time when she thought we couldn’t hear her.”
“Yea…she really needs you Daddy… are you going to stay with us now?” Brady asked, drawing back slightly to see his father’s eyes, needing to know for all of them. He felt compelled to take the role of protector when his father was absent from the home. It was more than he could handle, but he would try if his Daddy couldn’t or for whatever reason wouldn’t do it. Brady never did quite understand all the absences; the adults couldn’t seem to give reasons that he could fully comprehend.
Hearing his son ask that simple heartfelt question was nearly enough to make John weep… and his voice cracked when he finally answered. ‘Dear God, what a damn stubborn fool I’ve been…I’m sorry, Marlena!’ he said in the privacy of his mind before replying to his young son. “Oh.. Brady.. Daddy is SO sorry about that… yes.. I’m going to stay… as long as your Mommy wants me to… I love her… I want you to know that.. I never stopped loving your Mommy and I never will. We just had some…”
“Arguments… you had lots of arguments about the baby in Mommy’s tummy, didn’t you?” Brady said confronting his father about his behavior for the first time in the boy’s five plus years of life. If nothing else, his children were becoming astute observers of human interaction, a trait they seemed to be picking up from their mother, whose skills in that arena were unparalleled. John wasn’t quite certain how to respond to that statement in the form of a question, and before could do so, his daughter chimed in as well.
Belle didn’t hesitate to jump into the fray, saying, “Daddy… we heard Mommy talking to Aunt Laura one time when she thought we were outside playing… she said you didn’t want it anymore. How come you don’t love the new baby, Daddy?”
John didn’t think he could handle much more… this was the most difficult subject he’d ever tackled on his own with the kids. He found himself wondering what Marlena would say, but he realized he had to handle it alone. Swallowing hard, he gathered himself together and managed to reply, “Well, that’s kind of complicated guys… but you’re growing up, so I guess I should try to explain it to you like you’re big kids.” Beginning with a question, he said, You know that Mommy has been sick, right?”
“Right… and having a baby in her tummy makes it kinda hard for Mommy to get better… but we don’t see her being sick…except for the morning time….She says she eats some crackers and she feels all better.” With a confused expression, Brady added a commentary, “I don’t really understand about her being sick… and why you don’t live with us… cause it’s not the baby’s fault, is it?”
John sighed exhaustedly.. it was beyond taxing to try to find ways to explain it to their level of understanding, without scaring them. Truthfully, he didn’t know exactly what she’d told them about the cancer. Not wanting to give anything away that she didn’t want to tell them, he hedged, saying, “I know… it’s just that Mommy can’t get all the way better until after the baby is born and that’s a pretty long time from now. I’m just worried about how sick your Mommy might be by then…. so we… disagreed about what to do.”
“You wanted Momma to have a bortion… I heard her say that word, but I don’t know what it means. She cried when she said it to Aunt Laura… What is a bortion, Daddy?”
Her brother thought he knew, so he just said it, a hint of anger toward their father in his expression and his tone of voice, “It’s when they make the baby die, Belle. I heard a big boy at school say it one day.”
Belle was absolutely horrified by the idea, although she had no concept of the details involved. Her little eyes went wide open with disbelief that their father could ever want that to happen. Standing up and staring him down she asked incredulously, “You want the baby in Mommy’s tummy.. to die? Why, Daddy? Why do you hate our baby so much?”
Seeing his little girl’s admiration and respect for him disintegrating right before his eyes was too much for John to take. His voice shook as he scrambled for something to say that would help in some way, “Oh… Belle honey..I don’t hate the baby… Sweetheart, I don’t think… that I can.. do this any more… it’s too hard for me… to explain it so that you can understand… Please… let’s just go see Mommy now, okay?” He tried to hug Belle, but she pulled roughly out of his embrace, shaking her head, tears of pain and confusion filling her little eyes and beginning to spill out.
She screamed at him… all her fears and insecurities leveled on the one who left them when they needed him the most. “NO! I don’t want to go anywhere with you! You make Mommy cry… and.. I love the baby in Mommy’s tummy! We *all* love the baby… everybody except you, Daddy!” She ran off in tears, leaving John heartsick and guilt ridden.
Brady stood there as if paralyzed, looking anxiously back and forth between the spot his sister had vacated and the place his father currently occupied, not knowing what to say or do. It was painfully obvious that his father was nearing the release of tears, and Belle had been crying openly and was very upset with their Daddy. John stood silently by and didn’t say anything further, not wanting to put on any extra pressure, yet at the same time wondering what Brady would do.
Finally, the boy uttered a quiet apology, “I’m sorrry, Daddy.. but Belle’s only little… and she needs me…” He looked into his father’s moist eyes, then he turned and ran up the stairs to comfort his sister. Sometimes, all they had was each other. During all those times when one or the other or both of their parents were gone, Belle and Brady had held tightly to each other. This was a time when the sibling bond needed to be strongly evident. Brady decided that his Daddy would have to fend for himself.
After his tiny but very brave son left him alone for the moment, John slumped down onto the couch as the tears of remorse flowed freely once again, and he let out a horrified groan as he cried out to the heavens, “Oh, my God… what have I done to my family.. to my children?” Folding his hands together, John dropped to his knees and began to pray with reverence, “Dear Lord… please find a way to bring healing to all our lives… I don’t know what to do or what to say that will help them to understand this. Please… give me the wisdom I need, and guide me… Lord.. I can’t do this on my own.. I know that now.”
Brady entered the bedroom quietly to find Belle curled up in a ball holding one of her newborn dollies close to her chest. She was still crying. Sitting down next to her, he said softly, “Belle…it’s going to be okay now… Daddy is going to stay with us and I think he’s going to try to love the baby.. he seems real sad right now. I think he’s sorry for making Mommy cry.”
All she could think of was the baby and how hard it was to hear her mother crying in the night, knowing that only their absent father could make her feel better. “I don’t care! Daddy made Mommy sad when he went away. And, he wanted a bortion! My Sunday School teacher said that’s very bad!”
Brady wasn’t certain what to think or how to feel about that.. he just wanted everyone to love each other and for them all to be together as a family again. “I know… I didn’t like to see Mommy be so sad either… but I think she would be happy again if we all go to see her… don’t you? Will you please come with us, Belle?
She began to reconsider, pleased with that thought and said, “Well… I do want to make Momma smile, but I’m still upset at Daddy.”
“I know… me too, but it *will* make Mommy happy if he comes with us. She said she wants us to be a family. Mommy still loves Daddy very much.. I heard her say that.”
Belle sighed, feeling resigned, and then agreed, “Yea.. I know…she told me that one day when I was crying real hard. I told her I missed him a whole lot. She cried and said she missed him a whole lot too.”
“Okay… then what are we waiting for? Let’s go make Mommy smile cause we’re all together!” Brady said with enthusiasm, as he stood up, extending his little hand to pull his sister off the bed.
By the time the children came back downstairs, John was finished with his prayer and was sitting on the deck staring out toward the lake again, thinking about how very peaceful it was where they lived. It was ironic… the setting was peaceful and serene, but there had been such turmoil amongst those who dwelled within its confines, the opposite of how he had pictured events proceeding when he’d chosen the property and the house to have built upon it. The foliage was plentiful and provided just the right amount of sunlight and shade.. it was the perfect place to live and raise a family, as if God himself had designed it for them. John planned to do everything in his power to rectify all the relationships so that they could live out the life of love and laughter God had intended for them to share.
“Daddy…we’re ready to go see Mommy now. Do you still want to take us?” Brady asked on his little sister’s behalf. She was hanging back, but she was there holding her brother’s hand, and she wasn’t scowling at him. Those were good signs, John thought. At least now there was some hope for forgiveness and redemption. He silently wondered if the same could be said of Marlena’s perspective toward him.
“Oh… yes, of course I do,” John said gratefully, as he turned and redirected his attention, “There’s nothing I want more in the whole world than to be with the two of you and your Mommy… Let’s go surprise her,” he said with slightly subdued enthusiasm, as he tentatively gathered up both the kids in the warmth of his loving arms. They held each other in silence for a lingering hug; for the moment it appeared that all was forgiven, and he couldn’t be happier about it. Being rejected so powerfully by his daughter was more painful than he could have ever imagined and although it was clear Belle had softened slightly, he knew there was much more to deal with where his children were concerned. He only hoped the problems with Marlena could be resolved as well. John feared it would be a long and winding path back into their good graces, but with God’s help he planned to devote every ounce of strength and faith he had inside to traversing it, however long and difficult it might be. This was a new day dawning and the bright light of the sun’s rays brought forth some hope for new beginnings…..
She was dreaming… and it was a glorious vision… They were together, laughing, playing with the kids… they were all so happy. The sun was shining brightly in a pale blue sky, a few wispy clouds that looked as if they were painted there for effect. The kids were alternately swinging and climbing on the monkey bars, then running through the sprinklers, giggling all the while. John was playing with them, just like the big kid he could be sometimes… when he let himself relax… “Catch me if you can…” he taunted with a boyish grin, a teasing glint in his eyes as he jogged backwards. Marlena sat nearby, content to watch them enjoying the summer sun while she pretended to be reading a novel.
“Come on, Belle, we can catch him.. Daddy’s gotta be getting tired by now,” Brady said with a beaming smile.
“Yea… he’s been playing hard all day… and working in the yard… I bet we’ll catch him easy!” Belle replied with confidence, as she jumped off the swing she was on.
John laughed and looked over at his lady love, then winked as if to say, ‘Watch this… I’m gonna have some fun with em, Doc!’ It warmed her heart to see him so happy, so much at peace after all the losses he’d experienced.. that was all she’d ever really wanted was to see him truly happy and at peace in his soul. Watching him with their children… she knew that she was where she was meant to be, where they were both meant to be. All was right with the world…
But… it was a dream that hadn’t lasted… and now neither of them was at peace…. Maybe they never would be; maybe something would always come along and snatch the momentary bliss from their longing grasp… Maybe that was their lot in life, to have a taste of heaven and then lose it…..
As Marlena laid there, slowly waking up from the long night, she pondered the question of ‘why us.. Why don’t we deserve some lasting peace and happiness? Is it the affair… is that it, God? Do we deserve to be punished our whole lives for that sin?’ So immersed in her anguished questions, she didn’t hear the door to her room opening and was completely surprised when she heard two little squeals of delight and then looked into two of her favorite faces. “Mommy!” they cried simultaneously, their little hearts filling with glee to see her eyes light up and a wide smile on her face, in response to their arrival.
“Oh.. Belle baby.. Brady… I can’t think of anything that would make me feel better than to see your two sweet faces… Did Chelsea bring you over?” she asked as she pulled them up onto the bed with her, looking around for the thoughtful adult who might have brought them in just when she needed it the most.
“Uh… no.. I did, Doc..” John said hesitantly, stepping out from around the curtain that obscured her view of the door.
She didn’t say a word, but her eyes told him everything he needed to know. Marlena was shocked and not quite certain whether she was happy to see him or not. Obviously, she was leary of his motivation in coming… Was he using the children as an excuse to see her when she had made her feelings very clear the evening before? “John… thank you… for bringing them…” was all she said, in a voice that held no emotion whatsoever. She spoke to him as if he were some stranger who’d poured her a glass of water. Marlena knew from the look in his eyes, that she’d hurt him, but she wasn’t about to apologize or take him back with open arms.
In spite of the pain her lack of greeting made him feel, John put on a pleasant smile and said, “You’re welcome… I thought it might brighten up your day to see some people you love, first thing in the morning…”
“Yea… Daddy spent the night with us at the house… and he wants to…. ” Brady stopped in mid-sentence, suddenly remembering that was something his Daddy had told him was up to their mother and that it was for his parents to discuss by themselves. “He… promised us we could come to see you when we woke up. Isn’t that great, Mommy?” he finished.
“Yes, sweety.. that’s wonderful.” she answered, purposely not looking at John. “He was right… I am very glad to see you,” she continued, as she snuggled up close to both children. Noticing that Belle was being unusually quiet, she asked with concern, “How about you, Belle… how do you feel today?”
“I’m happy to see you, Mommy… I’m glad.. Daddy could take us here..” she said, her eyes telling more than her words. Marlena sensed that something significant had happened between her daughter and her husband from the way they wouldn’t quite look at each other. “Honey… is something bothering you?”
“No, Mommy… I’m okay..I just missed you, that’s all.” Changing the subject, she asked, “Did it make you really happy to see us?” Glancing toward John for a moment, giving him a weak smile, Marlena replied truthfully, “Yes… seeing you and your brother is wonderful and I’m glad that it was Daddy who brought you here. He and I need to talk…do you think we might find someone to watch you for a little while?”
“Yea… that would be all right… we’ll come back when you and Daddy are done talking…” Belle said with a tired sigh, climbing off the bed. She had known it was coming, but didn’t want to be apart from her mother any more than absolutely necessary.
“Come on, Belle.. let’s go find, Grandma Alice… I bet she’s here.. or maybe Carrie..”
John took the lead, saying, “I’ll go with you and I’ll come right back to see Mommy, then I’ll come find you when we’re through.. okay?”
“Okay, Daddy,” they answered at the same time. Brady took his father’s hand eagerly, but Belle deftly avoided it by sliding around to take her brother’s other hand. John winced and shut his eyes for a brief moment, forcing down the additional feelings of rejection her move sparked inside him. “Okay then, let’s go,” he said smiling cheerfully, covering well.
Marlena sighed as she watched them go.. Whatever happened, Belle was slow to get over it and John was hurting every bit as much as she was. Sighing with exhaustion, she said out loud, “Oh.. dear God… please help us to heal… there is so much pain in this family right now… We really need your help and I know you care. Please give us the strength and wisdom we need, amen.”
John wandered out into the hallway, wondering what the next couple of hours held in store, realizing that the conversation he was about to have would make or break his relationship with his wife. Marlena certainly hadn’t greeted him warmly… and that wasn’t a good sign. He didn’t know what he’d expected, but her almost cold demeanor wasn’t even close. She was essentially acting as if he were some person she didn’t even know, and that was infinitely worse than the anger… At least if she were upset and yelling at him, it meant that she held some powerful feelings toward him. This relative indifference meant that she was slipping further and further away from him. It was hard to take, and he was more afraid of losing her than at any other time in their convoluted history.
Glancing around the hallways, John spotted Carrie and hoped she had a few minutes to spare. She looked up and smiled warmly, bringing some light to the otherwise dark and dismal start to his attempts at reconciling with his family. “Good morning, John… I’m so glad to see you… did you and Marlena…” she started to ask, but quit when she saw his pensive expression.
“Uh… I brought the kids to see her… She was really happy about that, but… well, let’s just say… it’s not quite so rosy a picture where I’m concerned.. I was wondering if…” His eyes went toward the kids who were over near the drinking fountain, and that was all Carrie needed to pick up on his unspoken message. “Why don’t I take them down to the cafeteria for a few minutes and let you and Marlena… catch up? I’m sure you have a lot to talk about.” She smiled and squeezed his hand encouragingly.
Sighing with the satisfaction of being so loved and known so well, he replied gratefully, “Oh, Carrie… that would be so helpful. Thank you for being so..sensitive and… understanding. I really appreciate it.. I know that you might feel… disappointed in me.. and I…”
She hushed him by putting a hand on his upper arm and interrupting his apologetic comment, “John… I love both of you… and I know… this has been very difficult for you as well as Marlena… You have my support too.. and you always will.”
“Thank you… very much.. you can’t know what that means to me, Carrie… ” John was going to say more, but noticed that she wasn’t looking at him any longer. There was someone else capturing her attention; one Dr. Michael Horton was making an appearance, heading for Marlena’s room, along with Sarah Bader. Touching his *daughter* lightly on the sleeve, John asked quietly, “Carrie…. is there something going on with you… something you need to talk about? I’m here for you too, you know…”
She smiled weakly, turning her attention back toward him, thinking that she had to learn to be less obvious about her attraction to that blond haired, blue eyed doctor across the way. “Yes… I know that and I appreciate it very much… but I.. can’t.. not now. You have enough happening in your own life right now.. You don’t need to be worrying about me too.. I’m fine, John… really.. you just go in and see Marlena.. She needs you very much.”
Recognizing that she was a grown woman now, and that she was fully capable of handling her own life, John sighed with that realization and said, “I know… all right…I’ll let it go for now.. but if you change your mind… I’m here for you… any time, day or night.. you know that, right?” he said as a reminder.
“Right… thank you, John.. that means a lot to me. Now.. go on.. get in there, would you?” she added with a smile and a playful shove.
Somehow, just seeing Carrie’s face and feeling the love she was freely giving, he was more hopeful. A slight smile crept across his face, as he said, “Yea…I’m going… see you soon, Carrie.. and thanks again for taking the kids.” Carrie nodded and then turned away, wishing she hadn’t burdened Marlena with her troubles, but there was no going back. She had broken down in a moment of weakness, but she made a solemn vow not to allow that to happen again… Carrie realized that she had to be strong and control her feelings… It would be too much for John and Marlena to handle if there were some other crisis in the family.
John knocked and then entered slowly when given permission, “Come on in, John… you’re just in time to hear the good news,” said Sarah cheerfully.
“What good news?” he asked, wishing in the back of his head that she would say the cancer had miraculously disappeared, but his conscious mind realizing she probably meant that the baby was all right thus far.
“Well… mother and tiny baby are doing okay this morning and we’re going to discharge this young lady.”
“Oh… that’s wonderful news, Doc.. isn’t that terrific?” John said with a wide smile on his face.
Marlena’s expression was much more subdued, but she managed to find a smile too, and said, “Yes… it is, I can’t wait to go home and spend time with… the children.. I’m thankful you brought them by to see me here though. That was very thoughtful of you, John.”
“Sure… any time,” he said with an awkward glance toward the doctors, who sensed the tension between the two of them was still running quite high.
Sarah felt the need to reiterate what she’d said the night before, to both of them. “Now.. remember, Marlena… you simply *must* keep your stress level down… no.. heavy discussions… And John… I’m sure *you* remember what Mike and I discussed with you last night,” she said with definite warning overtones.
He nodded and answered with a sigh, much like a child being reminded of the rules for the tenth time, “Yes.. of course I do.. don’t worry. Marlena and I were about to have a little talk about that… and I promise if… well, I won’t let her become.. upset, okay?”
“Okay, then… as long as that is understood, we’ll see you both later. Good luck to you…”
Marlena looked up at them and said, “Thank you, Sarah… Mike..” Mike thought it was strange.. the way she looked at him.. it was different somehow, as if she knew something he didn’t. When he looked again, it was gone.. Dismissing it as his own paranoia about other people sensing his feelings for Carrie, he said, “Let me know if you have any questions.. otherwise we’ll see you back here for your next checkup in a week or so.”
The silence was deafening in its power over them, making the rift between them seem insurmountable. They looked at each other and then glanced away; they started to speak and then stopped before the words escaped. That went on for a long minute or two before John finally said somewhat exasperatedly, “Marlena… I came here to tell you something… will you listen to me?”
“That depends on what it is, John… ” she said cautiously, sitting fully upright in the bed.
With another apprehensive sigh, he sat down in the chair across from the bed and launched into his discourse, “It’s about a decision I’ve made, one I hope will please you. Marlena… I’ve been praying and talking to Abe and Bo, Caroline, and Tim Jansen… and well, I decided to.. accept your choice about the baby… I want to be by your side, no matter what happens. I realized that I love you and that’s all that really matters right now. I want to come home.. and I want to share in this pregnancy with you. Will you let me?” He blew out a long breath when he’d finished, feeling relieved to have said his piece. Folding his hands together, he bowed his head, taking a moment to pray that she would accept him back into her life.
She was in shock for a least thirty seconds… not believing her ears. John was letting go of the fear that motivated his attempts to convince her to change her mind, and he was coming back to her. Marlena knew that was a very difficult decision for him to make and she was impressed with the fact that he’d managed to find the strength to face their uncertain future. “Oh.. John.. I’ve been praying for this, but I honestly didn’t think it would happen. Honey… I know how painful this must be for you… Losing Isabella was so difficult and this situation is reminding you of all that pain and suffering… but John… I’m going to beat it. With you by my side, I can do anything… I can face anything at all.. I’m so glad… you found the strength..”
Shaking his head slightly, still amazed by God’s power to change hearts, he corrected her, “No… God gave me the strength and the wisdom to see the truth… The only thing that matters is how much we love each other.. Marlena, I don’t want to waste one more second of our time… We belong together… for however long that lasts, Doc. So… can I come home with you, today?” John asked, moving closer to the bed and reaching for her hand.
Overcome by joy, she answered him with tears in her eyes, “Oh… yes… yes you may come home.. I love you, John… and I love our baby… This is our little baby, John, and it’s God’s gift to us,” she repeated excitedly, placing her right hand on her slightly protruding belly.
Laying his right hand on top of hers, he said softly as he took notice that she was showing, “I know that now… I’m so sorry, Marlena.. for asking you to… ” he started, feeling ashamed of what he’d been demanding of her.
Not wanting to dwell on the pain, she cut him off, speaking gently, “No…. let’s not talk about that any more.. that’s over.. it was a nightmare and we’re not going to mention it ever again… okay? We have a healthy baby growing inside my womb, and we’re going to welcome it into the world in a few months.. That’s what counts.”
Nodding tearfully, he agreed with her, feeling incredibly grateful for her forgiving nature, “Yea… that’s what counts… Oh.. Marlena.. I love you so much!” he finished, taking her carefully into his arms for a hug, something he had ached to do for days now.
“And I love you.. so!” she whispered passionately, as the joyful tears started to trickle out of her moist eyes. John cupped her face in his hands the way he had done so many times before, wiping the moisture away with the pads of his thumbs. And then he kissed her so tenderly that all thoughts other than the love they shared disappeared from view. Their love was an awesome, inspiring force, and if they were together, it could take them through the worst of times life had to offer. That was the one aspect of this horrendous situation about which there was nary a doubt.
As they were ending the kiss and embracing warmly, there were two little giggling voices in the background… “Ah… Mommy and Daddy are kissing each other again… and that’s the best news of all!” Brady exclaimed gleefully.
“Yea… now we can be a family again!” shouted Belle, having forgotten about her anger toward her father for the moment, in favor of enjoying the sight she’d dreamed of seeing every day since her Daddy left the house. It was a dream come true.. Maybe Grandma Alice was right… and true love did win out in the end.. whatever that meant. All she knew was that her parents still loved each other and they were all going home together, not to mention the fact that there would soon be a brand new baby brother or sister to love. A little girl couldn’t ask for much more than that.
Another Country Heard From
They were together…..finally, all four of them. No.. it was five, their number having just been increased by one. She was reclining on the couch holding her newborn baby boy, flanked by Belle and Brady, and John was sitting on the arm with one leg on the ground, looking on admiringly….
The perfect picture of domestic bliss… “Oh.. honey… I’m so happy!” Marlena said, gazing at her perfect newborn.
Leaning over to hug her, he smiled broadly, saying, “Oh… me too, Doc… this is the most incredible feeling… being here with you and the kids… It’s amazing how this all happened.. isn’t it
All she could do was cry… It *was* amazing… as with everything else about their love. John was so tender with her, reaching down to gently wipe away her tears with his fingertips. She smiled, a little embarrassed, as she hadn’t been able to stop weeping all day… “I just love you so…”
“Oh.. Marlena… and, I love you… and this… little miracle here… “
Suddenly, there was a familiar sound and it jarred her out of her pleasant dream like state. Looking out of still sleepy eyes, she noticed the nurses coming in to give her morning meal and check the fetal monitor. John was still outside, trying to make arrangements for the discharge, “Good morning, Dr. Evans… how are you feeling?”
Yawning, she said, “Well, I’m not wide enough awake to tell you… but there’s no cramping… is the baby still doing alright?”
“Everything looks great… Dr. Horton is going to discharge you as planned this morning, if there aren’t any more symptoms and the monitor shows the baby has stabilized. He asked me to tell you that he and Dr. Bader conferred again, and they’d like you to wait another hour or so…after being up and around, just to be sure.”
Marlena breathed out a long sigh of relief mixed with exasperation, thanking the Lord for the good news, but lamenting the need to stick around for even that long, yet at the same time, understanding her physician’s cautious approach. She didn’t think she could take it for another day, lying around in a hospital bed, with nothing to do but watch television… “Oh.. thank goodness…. I couldn’t bear to spend another day in here… I want to get some fresh air, take a walk, play with my children.. but I think I can handle another hour.”
“We know you’re tired of being cooped up already… and we’re happy for you… and the baby… I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time lately.”
She smiled weakly, thankful for the understanding.. “Thank you for being concerned, but I’m alright. My husband is right outside and we’ll be going home together… that’s all that matters to me right now.” And it was… When they were facing their problems as a couple, Marlena believed they could handle any challenge life had to offer. They were invincible.
Thankfully, Chelsea had read the note John left and came on over to the hospital, thinking the couple might want some time alone after spending awhile with the children. As was often the case, her timing was impeccable… While they were waiting out the hour, Marlena sensed from Belle’s demeanor and her reticence to sit near her father that something significant had happened earlier in the day and she wanted to talk to her husband about it. He was obviously upset by whatever it was, and so was Brady. Both children sat much nearer to her, reaching out for her hands frequently, rebuffing their father’s attempts to hold them close. She ached for all of them… knowing it was ultimately her illness and the fact that she had excluded John from the decision making process that had landed them all in this painful predicament.
Chelsea knocked lightly and then peeked her head in saying, “Hello everybody… I know some chocolate chip muffins that are just crying out for two little children to come and gobble them right down… Do I have any takers?”
Two sets of little eyes lit up with glee and two little voices answered simultaneously, “Oh boy…. chocolate chip muffins! Can we Momma?” they asked in rapid succession, not even looking at John for approval. Marlena saw him wince and his anxious sigh spoke volumes. “I think that would be alright… thank you for thinking of it, Chelsea…. Go on… but give your Daddy and me a hug and a kiss first.”
Belle embraced Marlena instantly with excitement, but her contact with John was less than enthusiastic… it was clearly done only in order to meet her mother’s request, and not much more. Brady was slightly more inclined to show affection toward his father, but he too was still confused about how to feel with regard to the abortion issue and it showed in his tentativeness.
Marlena was smiling at them as they left, but John’s gaze was directed down toward the floor. As soon as the door closed, she asked him about it. “John… what happened between you and the children this morning?”
An exhausted sigh escaped before his words. “That obvious, huh?” he replied dejectedly, still not looking at her.
“Yes… it is… why don’t you tell me about it… I can see how hurt you are by their rejection… what’s going on?”
“Oh… Doc.. it’s bad…” he said, rising slowly from the chair where he’d been sitting, crossing the room to gaze out at the bright cheery sunshine on a mid-summer’s day, thinking what a contrast it was to how he felt. Another sigh escaped his mouth as he gathered the strength to tell her. After a long moment, he turned back toward his wife and just started in, “Well, there’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just put it out there… They know why we were apart, Marlena… they know what abortion means. Brady heard a boy at school say it and he told Belle when she asked me about it. She was horrified that I wanted the baby to die.. She’s very hurt and she definitely doesn’t understand… I tried, Doc… I really tried… but I’m afraid I didn’t get very far with her… as you can see.” His anguish about what had happened with the children and between himself and Marlena nearly moved him to tears.
Feeling his pain, as well as her own concern for her husband and children, she reacted instantly with alarm, “Oh.. John… that’s.. terrible.. What *did* you say about it?”
Hating to say it, but knowing he had no choice, John explained it exactly as it transpired, “Well, I basically quit trying when she wanted to know why I hated the baby… Doc… I just… didn’t know what to tell her, so I stopped and asked them to come with me to see you, but she ran off in tears… saying she wouldn’t go anywhere with me.. and that I was the only one who didn’t love the baby… It was Brady who convinced her to go with me…. I don’t know what he said to her. We haven’t talked about it since.. I’m really sorry, Doc..” he apologized with another tired sigh, dropping his head, feeling ashamed of himself.
For the longest time, she didn’t say anything at all; it was just too upsetting to contemplate… Finally, when the tension in the room was nearly unbearable, she did reply and it only made him feel worse, though it was not her intention to do so. “Oh.. John… this was my worst fear about the whole thing…. that the children would be hurt by it.”
“I’m really sorry, Doc… I’ve made such a mess of things… again,” he said with deep regret. “Maybe… oh, never mind….” he finished with another heavy sigh, feeling thoroughly defeated and uncertain how to proceed. And to think he’d been so sure last night after praying and talking with Tim Jansen..
“Maybe what, John…” she asked, having a pretty good idea where he was headed.
There was a deep sadness in his voice, as there had been six months ago, when they’d been dealing with the aftereffects of Kristen’s lies and betrayal of his trusting nature, “Maybe.. this isn’t such a great idea… me coming home… All I seem to do is cause you pain… and God knows you’ve suffered enough in your life… a lot of it because of your love for me.”
“John…. stop it… just stop right there… It doesn’t do anybody any good for you to beat yourself up over this… Of course it’s a good idea for you to come home with us… Yes, we have some serious issues to work out, some pain to sort through… but we can’t very well do that with you living at the Salem Inn, twenty miles away from home… Besides… leaving now… after the promises you’ve made… now, *that* would be very hurtful.. to me and to the children.”
Appropriately remorseful, he conceded her point, “Okay… I’m convinced… sorry I mentioned it..”
“You’re forgiven… now… let’s talk about what we’re going to do today…” she said, changing directions entirely.
“Well, my dear…you are going to take it easy…. you need to be very careful; you know that.. right?”
Exaggerating each word, pretending as though she’d never heard it before, she said, “Oh… no, really? I didn’t have a clue.. thank you for telling me..” She frowned at him saying, “Honestly… John, of course I realize that… but I’m not being sent home on bed rest, so therefore we can plan some sort of an activity as a family… the kids need that very much… this is just as hard on them as it is on us.” She could be very persuasive sometimes; this was one of them.
Responding to her way of thinking, he nodded and asked, “Alright, then.. what did you have in my mind, my dear?”
“Well, a picnic or a trip to the zoo… something along those lines.. how’s that sound?” she asked excitedly, sitting more fully upright.
“Great, as long as you let me make all the necessary arrangements… food, supplies… etc… while you rest. Is it a deal?” he asked as he helped her pack up her personal items, noticing the wallet sized picture of himself, something which brought a satisfied smile to his face. Their love was true and it was forever… Even when she was very angry with him and didn’t want him around… still, she carried it with her.
She sighed, happily this time, saying rather enthusiastically, “It’s a deal… gosh it’s so nice to be talking like this… without all the tension and pressure.”
“Yea… it really is.” John’s contented sigh matched hers and he leaned in for a warm hug, relishing in the feel of her body next to his. That was all it took to stimulate him and he found his passion increasing with each passing second. “Oh.. Marlena…it feels… so…” Quickly realizing the fact that he simply couldn’t act on his desire in this setting, he reluctantly separated himself, his rapid breathing giving him away. “I love you… I’ll be back.. soon,” he whispered passionately, dragging himself out of the embrace.
Knowing she still had such a strong effect on him was comforting in ways she couldn’t describe. Enjoying the desirous expression in his eyes, she said as he reached the door, “And I love you… hurry back, my love…”
“Oh…trust me… I will..” he said, laboring to recover his breath… “I’ve missed you…”
“I’ve missed you too, honey… so very much,” she said, her voice full of the same passion she sensed in him. They would soon express their love in the most intimate of ways… and she couldn’t wait. There was so much they needed to talk about, so much to work through, but the love was there; the everlasting flame of passion would never burn out or fade away. That in itself was a source of tremendous relief to both of them. No matter the problems that existed in their relationship, they were going to resolve them and stay together in the long run.
John hadn’t made it halfway across the hallway before he was accosted by two angry young people, Sami and Eric Brady… They stood there glaring at him, waiting for him to make the first move. John realized instantly from the look in their eyes that all was not right with the world and he was in for yet another confrontation about his actions in recent weeks. “Sami… Eric, hey did you hear the good news?” he asked cheerfully, hoping to deflect the anger he saw in two sets of blue eyes.
“Oh.. you mean the good news about the baby being okay… no thanks to you…” Sami said snidely, making a good start on cutting John down to size.
Ignoring her implication, John responded positively, “Yes… isn’t it great? Mother and baby are doing wonderfully and we’re all going home together, Belle, Brady, me and my wife,” he said with the emphasis on the last word. He wanted to remind them of the boundaries that existed. Marlena was his wife, she was mainly his concern and he was not going to tolerate any interference from the twins, nor anyone else, for that matter.
“Your wife.. how convenient of you to remember that, John,” Eric chimed in with equal sarcasm. “It’s a shame you didn’t think of that last night.. or for the past three weeks or so… you know when she needed you more than ever… when she was devastated by finding out she had cancer… Where were you then, John?”
John winced at that one… it stung, as was the intention. Not able to contain his own guilt, John was defensive, “Look, Eric… what happens between your mother and I is… none of your business.. We are perfectly capable of handling our own lives… we don’t need any help from the two of you..”
Sami jumped back into the fray again, saying sharply, “Oh, really…. so that’s why you were living at The Salem Inn recently.. because you and Mom are so good at working things out… umm hmm..”
Laboring to control his emotions, John forced himself to be civil, “Sami… Eric… I really don’t have to take this from you, and I won’t. I thought we were past all this animosity, but I guess I was wrong. Now…. if you want to stop in and see your mother before we leave… go ahead and do that. Otherwise, we have nothing more to say to each other. I suggest you focus on your own lives and stay out of ours.”
“Can’t take the heat, can you, John…. when the going gets tough, the weak take off running, is that it?” Eric said harshly, the old resentment toward the man who used to be his father flaring up whenever he imagined his mother alone and crying, as he knew she had been recently. Eric had given them his blessing and was truly happy when they finally married early in the summer, but this situation had reminded him of the anger he held toward the man for tearing his family apart and then walking away, all those years ago.
John was incensed… that much was clear. There was enough pain to handle, without their brand of cutting sarcasm. He crossed the distance between himself and Eric, barely resisting the impulse to grab the cocky young man by the collar of his shirt. Stepping very close, he spoke through clenched teeth, poking a finger in the young man’s chest, “Look, Eric… I *said* I’m not going to take this crap from you! Sooner or later, you and your sister are going to have to accept it, once and for all. Marlena and I love each other, we’re married and like it or not… that’s the way it’s going to stay.”
Bumping up against his erstwhile father, the boy stood his ground, laying down a firm challenge, “I certainly hope so… because if you hurt her like that again… there’s going to be hell to pay, John! She may be your wife now, but she’s MY mother and I won’t stand by and watch you walk in and out of her life the way you have… You hurt her again and you’ll be sorry!!” Eric threatened, realizing as he said it that he was letting it go, for the moment.
John only sighed with exasperation and walked away shaking his head. There was no talking to the twins about the current state of the relationship between himself and their mother. They would only see Marlena’s perspective, never his. He was resigned to the fact that he was forever cast in the role of villian in their eyes. He’d earned that title by asking Marlena to have an abortion, and for leaving her, even though she was the one who demanded he go and the one who initiated a legal separation. All John could do was his very best to show them he was serious about his commitment to loving and supporting their mother through whatever came next.
Children Have a Right to Know
At last, she was out of the hospital and feeling free and relatively happy, all things considered. Although there were problems to be addressed, she and John were back together and she had hope. For the first time since she had revealed her dilemma to her husband, Marlena felt some sense of peace about her decision and what the future held in store for her, their children and John himself. Today, the couple made a pact not to discuss any of it at length. This was to be a time of family togetherness, a time of sweetness and light. However, in discussing how the day might play out, they neglected to include one contingent in the decision making process, their two young children.
“Well, kids… what’s it gonna be, the zoo, the park… what do you want to do?” John asked cheerfully, as they were leaving the hospital parking lot in the Jeep.
There was a pause before Brady answered for them, “Daddy… Belle and me were talking and we don’t want to go anywhere….”
John sighed sadly as his mind completed the sentence for his son, “with you.” They were still very upset with him, and no amount of pretending or attempting to keep things light was going to make their pain or disappointment go away. Marlena reached over and patted his thigh, as a gesture of support. She had been upset too, but she understood much more about his pain than the children did. “It’s okay, John… we’ll talk about it when we get home,” she whispered softly, leaning toward him.
He nodded, but didn’t say anything, feeling suddenly much less enthusiastic about his chances of mending fences with everyone he loved.
“We just want to be home with Mommy today…that’s all. Can we make you breakfast in bed, Mommy?”
“You mean lunch, Belle… she already had breakfast, silly…” said Brady, enjoying the chance to correct her in a teasing way.
With a sweet giggle, Belle agreed, “Oh, yea… I just never heard it called lunch in bed before… did you?”
“Nope… but like Daddy always says, there’s a first time for everything, Belle.” Without even realizing it, John’s little boy had said something positive relating to their father. Afterward, he seemed to become cognizant of it, glancing shyly toward the front seat.
Marlena took advantage of the moment to add her perspective, “Yes… he does say that… he encourages you to try new things and he supports you whenever you try something and it doesn’t work out, doesn’t he Brady? Remember the first time you went out to use your in-line skates, and you kept falling down?”
Brady recognized what she was doing to some degree, but he responded genuinely, albeit somewhat reticently, “Yes.. I remember that day real good. He kept telling me that I could do it… and every time I tried it, he said I did a good job, and that I was brave to keep on trying, even when I fell down.” Marlena didn’t say anything further, letting the silence speak for her, hoping the children would recall other incidents in which their father had demonstrated his love or support to them, no matter what.
Belle was thinking back in time too, and although she was still upset and confused, she shared a memory. “I remember when my doll house broke…. and I was so sad. I cried and cried and then I told him about it. He was supposed to go to some kind of a meeting, but he called up and changed it… just so he could stay and fix my doll house.”
Again, it became quiet…. John was touched by Marlena’s efforts… reaching his right hand to take her left, and mouthing the words, ‘Thank you,’ as he did so. She smiled so warmly in response, he felt his insides turn to mush. In moments like that she could ask anything of him and he’d give it without hesitation. Her undying love and unfailing ability to forgive were nearly incomprehensible to him.
Finally, as they reached their driveway, Belle spoke again, saying softly, “Daddy…. I don’t want to be mad at you any more. I want us to be a family again. When we get inside, can you explain it better… about Mommy’s sickness and the baby? I don’t understand it very well.”
“Yea… me too, Daddy… Belle and I don’t understand about you going away…. and coming back. You promised us this time it was forever… and then you left us again. And, Mommy… you didn’t say it to us, but we know you told Daddy to go away. And, then you were so sad without him. Can you help us understand better?”
John and Marlena held hands again and looked at each other with a sense of astonishment, realizing just how very quickly their little angels were growing up. No longer could they be completely shielded from the pain that existed in the world around them, or from the often subtle nuances and intricacies of adult love relationships. This was the time for honesty. John answered the question after signaling to his wife his belief that it was primarily his responsibility. “Yes, Belle… Brady.. we’ll all sit down together and your mother and I will explain what has been happening as best we can. It’s some pretty grown up stuff, but we’ll do our best to help you understand it, okay?”
“Okay, Daddy,” said both of the children at once. Marlena sighed, feeling mixed emotions, including fear. At the same time as she was worried about how it might go, she was also hoping that indeed after having an open discussion, they could deepen their bond as a family and move forward… together. She glanced at John again and saw that same cautious optimism in his eyes.
After bringing Marlena’s belongings inside and settling down on the porch overlooking the lake, while the kids played on the swingset for a few minutes, John looked at Marlena and asked, “Well, Doc… how do you think we ought to do this?”
“I think we need to be completely honest about it…” she started to say.
That much he knew already. Gently, he cut her off to ask, “But, how much detail should I give them? Doc… you’re the expert here,” he said, wishing she could take over, but knowing he was the one who had to lead the conversation.
Somehow managing to distance herself from her own reality, she answered calmly, “Alright… tell them about how the baby effects me, and how we have to wait on the treatment because of the pregnancy. You start and I’ll jump in if I think we need to pull back a little. How does that sound?”
“Well, it sounds… a little.. loose.. but okay,” he said with an anxious sigh. “If you think they can handle it, that’ll work for me, I guess… Maybe we should pray first.”
Nodding, she met his eyes and saw a faith that was deepening again. It moved her in ways she couldn’t have explained if someone had asked her, to see him turning to God for assistance with their children. John was taking the leadership role, and yet at the same time acknowledging his inability to solve all problems on his own. He was acting as a man of God again, and it felt so right to her, “John that’s a great idea.. Let’s do that,” she said with a proud smile on her face, and a light in her eyes.
Taking Marlena’s hand, sensing a newfound respect from her, he closed his eyes out of reverence and started right into his heartfelt request, “Dear Lord….. You know what’s been going on here… this is a very difficult situation and we want to do what’s right. We want to help the kids understand, but we don’t want to overwhelm them. Please guide us in this conversation, give us the words to say, and give us the strength to take their reaction, whatever it might be… Thank you for your example of love and forgiveness, and please help us all to become more like you with each passing day.” He paused for a moment, formulating his thoughts and working to maintain control of his emotions, “And Lord… please… guide us through these next several months… help us to grow in our faith and to.. become closer to you and to each other, as we face our uncertain future together. It is in your son’s precious name that we pray, amen.”
Marlena added a soft, tearful, “Amen… That was beautiful, John… you really have been praying a lot lately and you feel closer to God now, don’t you?” “Yea… I have, it’s helped, Doc… it really has.” With another sigh, he pushed his own feelings down to concentrate on his children and the woman he loved. “Well, are we ready for this?”
Without warning, she felt the pent up emotions creeping up from deep within her being. Her voice trembled as she answered him with a request, “Not until.. you hold me.. for awhile, honey… I’ve missed you, John… I’ve missed you… so much!” She was battling to control her feelings, but she lost this skirmish, the tears forming quickly and spilling over, her body trembling with the release she had held back for several weeks.
In less than a second he was holding her close, his strong arms around her feeling like a fortress of protection from the overwhelming fear she was experiencing… At the same time as he was stroking her hair and tenderly caressing her cheeks, John tried to apologize for it, recognizing even as he spoke that nothing he could say would make any real difference. His presence now and his support from this moment forward was all she really wanted and needed from him. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Doc… I’m SO sorry… that I wasn’t here for you the way you needed me to be, but I love you, and I’m gonna be here for you from now on. I’ll be with you every single step of the way, as long as you want me to be.”
She nodded, but kept on crying… it had been such hard work to hide her pain, to force down her own fears for the children’s sake, and for her own emotional survival as well. Now that he was at her side and holding her, she felt safe enough to let her defenses down; the floodgates went open and the tears flowed out like water.
Every sob, every tortured sigh or moan was like a dagger of guilt piercing his heart, going on through to his very soul, and John began to cry with her, in empathy for her suffering. “Oh.. baby…I’ve messed up so badly… I’m sorry.. I did this to you…and the kids… Shh… it’s okay… shh… I’m here and I’m not leaving, not ever again…. I love you and I love our baby, Marlena. I mean that with all my heart, Doc.”
Still weeping heavily, laboring to get the words out, Marlena was as vulnerable as she had ever been in her life. Speaking with a quavering voice, she confronted what hadn’t yet been spoken, “Oh.. John, I need you now… more than I ever have before… You *have* to keep your promise… you just have to.. because… I couldn’t.. take it.. if you… backed out.”
Realizing that she was laying her very soul on the line, he held her cheeks between his hands with infinite tenderness and gazed deeply into her moist red eyes, willing her to see and absorb his sincerity. Then when he believed she could feel it, he spoke with passion and conviction, “I won’t break it! I swear it, Marlena! I have accepted your decision, and I am going to honor your choice and share in every part of this pregnancy with you. I promise you.. here and now, before God… on everything I hold sacred.”
Again, she nodded, the cascade of tears gradually slowing to a trickle. She could feel his love and devotion to her and the baby, and his words were so full of passionate certainty. Marlena believed him. Wiping her eyes of the remaining tears, she said softly, “Thank you… that was what I needed to know.” After a moment’s pause, she was in control and ready to move on to the task at hand. “Now… let’s get the kids in here… We all have a lot to talk about.”
“Yes we do… but first… there’s something I just gotta do.” The talking stopped for a moment or two, as he gently brought her mouth toward his for a sweet kiss to seal their reunion. His tongue parted her lips effortlessly, though she had been unprepared, and then intertwined with hers, making soft swirling motions inside their mouths. The kiss left them both breathless and wanting so much more. As they heard the French doors go open, John leaned in and said with an enticing whisper, “Later on… I’d like to show you how much I’ve missed *you,* that is, if you want me to.”
“Oh… I definitely want you, my love…” Just as she was about to tell him something specific that she wanted him to do… to fuel his obvious desire, she heard the sound of two tiny throats being cleared. Her face becoming a soft shade of pink, Marlena turned around to see her children looking on with an expression of vexation. They were ready to talk.
“So, I uh…suppose we ought to have our little discussion now, shouldn’t we? ” John asked, feeling suddenly like the child instead of the parent. It was more than unnerving to face the fact that the upcoming conversation could break everything wide open, essentially destroying their family, or bring them all closer than ever. Belle and Brady nodded, but didn’t respond verbally. It was time for their parents to do the talking and they didn’t want to wait any longer.
Moments of Truth
It was time for yet another moment of truth and John let out a weary sigh as they all prepared to sit down together for the conversation that was long overdue. Before talking to the children, John took a moment to glance out at the lake, enjoying a good long look, wishing to absorb the peace and serenity it offered. Then, after taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he turned back toward Marlena, his eyes saying, ‘Well, here goes… wish me luck, Doc,’ to which she responded with a slight nod of the head and a reassuring expression, meant to let him know that although there were issues for them to address, she wasn’t harboring significant resentment toward him at this juncture. They were together now and that was what mattered most to her. He nodded, shot her a thankful glance and sat down, leaning in to make eye contact with the children. “Okay… Brady.. Belle… your mother and I know that you have a right to be told about what’s been going on and we should have explained this a whole lot better than we did, but we’ve been having a pretty tough time of it lately. You know that we were apart and that your Mommy asked me to leave, and you know that it has something to do with the baby in Mommy’s tummy, right?”
Brady nodded and agreed, then asked a difficult question, “Yes Daddy…. how come you don’t like the baby anymore? You said you were real happy that day you told us… I don’t understand.”
Instinctively, John looked to Marlena again, hoping desperately not to say the wrong thing. He knew he was walking a fine line between success and total failure with every word he uttered. “Well, sweetheart it’s very complicated and it’s a very grown up problem, but I’ll try to explain it. You see… Mommy has a sickness… and that sickness can be… very serious… and… the kind of medicine that she has to take to make her better is…. bad for the baby… and… so, Mommy has to wait to take it… until the baby is born.” It was getting harder and harder to keep the fear at bay and his voice cracked as he told them the crux of the dilemma, “But if she does that….. she could be…. really sick.. by that time and I’ve been… having a very hard time… accepting it.” Now, came the most upsetting aspect of the whole scenario.
The children were silent, knowing there was more to tell. Steeling himself for their rejection as well as further condemnation from his wife, John took one last glance at Marlena, whose eyes were clouded in mist, and then told them the truth, his voice quavering with emotion as he did so, “And, because of that… I… wanted your Mommy.. to have.. an abortion. I wanted… to save her… more than I wanted to have the baby. I know that’s very hard to understand, but I was so… worried about her.” That was how he finished it out loud, while on the inside he was saying, ‘afraid of… losing her…like I lost Isabella.”
Still slightly confused, Brady asked a question, “Daddy…. the baby didn’t make Mommy sick… so it’s not the baby’s fault, right?”
“Right… the baby didn’t have anything to do with Mommy getting sick… it just happened.” He said it with little emotion, not wanting to put his own spin on it.
“Well, how come you’re back home with us, then? Is Mommy going to have a bortion now?” asked Belle innocently.
Marlena sent the signal to her husband that she would answer that one, and then did so quite definitively, “No… I’m not going to have an abortion, Belle… I’m going to have this baby and then I will get the medicine and other things I need to get well. Everything will be all right. You’ll see,” she said with a weak smile, while glancing at John, whose gaze was conspicuously directed down toward the floor. Clearly, he was still struggling through the acceptance, but at least he wasn’t saying anything in disagreement with her. He planned on keeping his promises.
“Is Daddy going to stay with us from now on?” asked Belle, wanting to check everything with her mother at this point, not quite trusting her father’s word as yet.
She reached out to her husband to reassure him, giving his hand a squeeze as she replied affirmatively, “Yes… he’s going to stay with us from now on. Daddy agreed with Mommy’s decision and we’re going to have another baby in our house in about five months. That seems like a long time from now, but it’s going to go by so fast… and then I will get the treatment so I can get well.”
John sighed and shut his eyes as the fear came rushing right back, as it did every time he thought about how long that was. Isabella had been diagnosed and subsequently died in roughly that amount of time. Breast cancer was different, and he knew it, but still… those memories lingered long after the death and he found it hard to breathe all of a sudden, images of Marlena in that same state flashing rapid fire in his mind’s eye. Still, he had to stay, he had to support her choice. Forcing down powerful emotions, he managed to paste a smile on his face for his children’s benefit, though he knew he couldn’t hide it from Marlena. “Your mother is right… we’re all going to be a family, from now on. I’m going to be here through the whole thing and after the baby is born, we will do whatever it takes to make sure your Mommy gets completely well.” He said it all quite convincingly and Marlena breathed a sigh of relief to see the steely determination behind his blue eyes. John was afraid, and he was suffering through the memories of losing Isabella, but he was committed and he would stay for the duration, no matter how much it hurt him to do so. He would find a way to deal with it and be there for her; that was what she needed to know, above all else. She didn’t doubt his sincerity now, and that assurance was a source of great comfort to her as she faced her uncertain future.
“Goody… now can we go play outside, Daddy?” asked Brady, who was ready to talk about happy things.
That brought a chuckle and Marlena answered, “Yes… sweety.. you go on and play outside and Mommy and Daddy will fix us all a picnic lunch to share. How’s that sound?”
“Oh, boy! I love picnics!” exclaimed Belle gleefully. “I want peanut butter and jelly.. that’s great for picnics, isn’t it?”
“Yep… it sure is sweetheart,” John said with a smile. Then, wanting to make sure all was as it should be between he and his children, he said, “Kids… did we tell you what you needed to know or did you have more questions for us?”
Brady answered immediately saying, “We understand it better now… but please… don’t leave us again, Daddy. You promised us before you’d never go away, but you did anyway.”
He winced at that comment, and then apologized, hating that he had broken a promise to his children, something he had told them he would never do. “I’m very sorry about that… I’m going to do everything I can to make that up to you and to be here for all of you… every day from this moment on.. Okay, Slugger?”
“Okay, Daddy… I’m glad you’re home now,” his boy said, accepting the apology. After letting his father off the hook, he added matter of factly, “We’re going to go outside now.” Brady took Belle’s hand and the two of them headed silently toward the door. After thinking about it for a moment and realizing her father needed a little bit more from her, Belle turned back toward John and spoke in her sweetest little girl voice, the one that sometimes brought tears to her parents eyes, “Daddy…we still love you, and we forgive you.”
He sighed and nodded his head, slightly overcome by emotions he couldn’t even name to hear those words come from his four year old’s mouth. “Oh, thank you… honey… I appreciate that, more than I can say. Now.. go on, run and go play.”
Brady took Belle’s hand again and the pair approached the door slowly, then just as they were about to exit onto the deck, they whispered back and forth for a moment or two. And then without warning, the two of them rushed back across the room, practically jumping into their father’s arms, saying enthusiastically, one after the other, “Welcome home, Daddy! We’re really glad you’re back!”
He held them tight, elated at the sensation of their small bodies next to his, the love they felt for him soothing his troubled mind in ways he couldn’t begin to describe. “Oh.. thank you.. so much. It’s good to *be* home. I love you guys so much… so much,” he finished in a soft, tearful whisper, while stroking their hair and planting a kiss or two on their soft cheeks. To be so loved was a miracle he was only beginning to appreciate. Marlena was satisfied to watch the three of them renewing their bond, waiting for her turn to be embraced. It came only moments later when Belle said excitedly, transferring to her mother’s nearby lap, “You too, Mommy… I’m so glad the baby is okay and you could come home today… we missed you.”
“Yea… we were really worried about you and our baby… I’m so glad Dr. Mike said you could come home today, ” said Brady pleasantly. “I like it the best when we’re a whole family.”
“So do I, my sweet babies… so do I,” Marlena said with a contented sigh, thanking God that it had worked out as well as it had. John was quiet for the moment, realizing how very fortunate he was to have such a caring, forgiving family. He knew that in the moment the kids went outside to play, he and his wife would begin to confront their own problems, but the biggest hurdles had been cleared. The others had all accepted him back into their hearts, into their home, and into their family circle. The rest was all about details and God willing, he believed he could handle those too.
Within seconds the couple was alone, their children having made it halfway down the stairs already. John stood at the French doors, watching them go… mentally preparing himself for the next part of his homecoming challenge. “They really are something, aren’t they…so bright and growing up so quickly,” he mused.
“Yes…they really are, John… and so accepting, so forgiving.”
He nodded, recognizing where the conversation was going… “And… how about their mother… is she forgiving too? Or do I have some more hurdles to jump over first?” he asked seriously, still not quite facing her.
The silence before she answered was very telling. The pain lingered on. He sighed worriedly, preparing himself for whatever she might have to say to him about that pain.
Although it was difficult and it might hurt him or lead to another tense exchange, Marlena spoke the truth, “John… I forgive you… you know that, but I haven’t forgotten… You wanted me.. to take the life of our child. I still don’t fully understand that. You said it yourself.. even Belle and Brady said it… my cancer is not the baby’s fault and yet you wanted…. to end that child’s life. That’s not something I would have believed of you, John.”
Another long sigh escaped involuntarily.. he didn’t want to be beat up over it again… his own guilt was hard enough to take, “Marlena… I thought you said we weren’t going to dwell on all that anymore, that you weren’t going to hold it over my head.”
“John… I’m not holding a grudge… but it still doesn’t sit well with me at all. I won’t lie to you about it.”
Suddenly, the anger flared, “What do you want from me, Doc? You know why… I won’t lie to you either… At any given point, if I had to choose, I would choose you… plain and simple. You’ll never convince me otherwise.”
Marlena was equally firm in her response, rising from the chair to stand and face him directly, “Fine… as long as we understand each other, that’s all we can hope for, I guess, but I want you to know something… I have told the doctors of my wishes… If… no, when the fetus is viable, if anything happens to me and it comes down to a choice, they’ve been given explicit instructions to save the baby, not me.”
“Instructions! What do you mean? You put that in writing?” John asked incredulously, his mouth agape. He was totally unaware of such an action. “Yes… John, I’ve made out a living will, specifying my wishes, and.. I had Caroline appointed health care power of attorney should that situation occur. I made sure there was a copy for Sarah and Mike… I’m sorry if that upsets you, but it’s the way it is.”
Deeply hurt, he confronted her with how it felt to him, “So, you don’t trust me, is that it?”
She hesitated only briefly before answering honestly, “No, in this case I don’t, John… you just told me what you would do if the circumstance arose. I was only doing what was necessary to protect my unborn child.”
It made him angry when she spoke so possessively about the choices they faced, and it reminded him of how she had left him out from the very beginning. “Our unborn child… Ours, Doc!” he reminded her in increasingly frustrated tones.
Marlena nodded… glad he was remembering that fact, but ignored his implied meaning, directing the same sentiment back at him, “Yes, John… this baby is ours… that’s something you seemed to forget for awhile.”
She was so calm about it and it was infuriating to him. He couldn’t keep it from his voice as he replied, “Oh, that’s not fair, Doc… I didn’t *want* to sacrifice the baby… I wanted you more… that’s all. How can you be so… Oh, never mind..” he muttered, shaking his head, stopping mid-sentence after deciding that it wouldn’t make any difference at this point. He walked away from her again, staring down at their children, who were already on to other, more pleasant things, such as swinging on the swingset. And, he sighed exhaustedly, wishing it were so simple for them; a little conversation and it was all forgotten in favor of childlike fun in the back yard.
“So… what, John… how can I be so.. what? Finish your sentence,” she commanded, noticing his wistful stare out the bank of windows across the back of the house.
Finally, he snapped to attention and turned back toward her, firing back angrily, “Alright….I will… I was going to ask you how can you be so… unconcerned about how *I* feel? You made all the choices…. you left me out of all of it, and then just expected me to go along without protesting, and now you’re doing it again! This makes me so angry!!”
“And, I’ll go right on doing whatever it takes to protect the life of my child, John… I’m sorry if you don’t like that… but that’s how I feel about it. And, whether you like it or not, it *is* ultimately my choice!”
Now he was really mad and so afraid at the same time. Starting to pace around her a bit, John raised his voice near shouting level, gesturing with his hands as he spoke, “Damn it, Doc! I can’t believe this… we’re right back where we were… Your choices, your baby…your body.. it’s all about YOU! Well, what about ME? Don’t you care how I feel?” he confronted her.
“Yes I do care about your feelings, but it is about me, John.. in the final analysis… because I’m the one facing death!” Marlena was scared but she was just as strong, just as firm in her beliefs. Her body was trembling but she stood her ground in the face of her husband’s angry distress.
The fear struck again like lightning and it overshadowed the anger, as he responded to her last assertion in much gentler tones,” Yes, you are… and that… scares the HELL out of me… Don’t you understand? I don’t… want… to lose you… Marlena… You are *everything* to me… don’t you know that?” he said, stammering anxiously, taking her in the strength of his arms, nearly crushing her to his body, unable to shake off those fears.
The change in his demeanor softened her heart and she spoke quietly, pulling back and looking into his worried blue eyes, one hand going to his cheek. “Yes, I do know that, and I also know that your love for me is what allowed you to finally accept my choice and come back to me. And, the truth is.. your love is the only thing that will get me through this, John… I can’t do it…. without you by my side… I just can’t… take it… if I have to… be alone.. Please… honey…” she said, suddenly bursting into tears before she finished.
Making her cry was the last thing he wanted to have happen… and he found tears welling up in his own eyes, as he apologized for upsetting her again, his voice trembling as he opened his heart, “Oh.. Doc.. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… I love you… so much! I didn’t mean to yell at you.. I’m just so…afraid of losing you…but I will be here…every step of the way… no matter what happens… I promise.” Drawing back slightly, he gazed into her misty eyes, then tenderly cupped her moist cheeks between his hands and drew her close for a sweet caressing kiss. There had never been a moment where that move was more appropriate and he gave all of himself to the moist intimate contact with the woman he loved. She resisted it at first, but then surrendered to the electrical sensations it stimulated within her being, “Oh… John, ” she moaned as he deepened the kiss. “I love you, Doc.. I love you,” he repeated passionately, before grazing her lips with his again.
When the contact ended, John and Marlena held each other in silence for a long while, allowing the depth and power of the love that motivated their argument to fill their hearts and bring healing to the relationship. This was to be the last time they had that heated discussion… everything had been said and the time for talking about their dilemma was finished. Now, it was time to move forward into their uncertain future; they would face all the challenges that lay ahead, together as a family with their two very perceptive, very loving and forgiving children.
Make the World Go Away
After holding each other for several long moments, John decided that it was time to put the pain away for awhile and go have some fun with their little ones. “Doc… what about that picnic we promised? Are you up for it? I’ll fix it…” he said, cheerfully.
“Yes… John… and I can help, you know…” A hint of irritation was in her voice as she added more, “I think I can manage to make some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches… don’t you?”
Wincing at her biting tone, he said apologetically, “Oh.. uh… yes, of course you can… that wasn’t what I meant, Doc… honest. I just thought you might like to rest a little bit… that’s all,” he said, finishing with an awkward smile.
She was sorry the second those last few words escaped her mouth and then to hear his reason only made it worse, “Oh… well, thank you for being concerned about me… I guess I’m still… on guard. I’m sorry if I sounded irritated with you, John.”
Nodding, he said softly, “I can understand that, Marlena… ” Then, he stopped mid-sentence… remembering a conversation from another lifetime… hearing himself say to her while standing in the living room of the Brady house, ‘Yea… it was sort of taking on adversarial overtones there for awhile,’ and in the present, John’s face bore a trace of a smile. It truly was a lifetime ago. And, they thought that situation was complicated. If they’d only known what was to follow.. he was thinking.
Noticing that he was somewhere far away, she touched him on the sleeve and asked about it, “John… honey.. where did you go… you seem a million miles away from here.”
“Hmm… I was….. Oh, it’s nothing, Doc… just thinking about the past…” he said wistfully. Sometimes, he still wished… but then again, no. He was John Black and that was all right. He still hadn’t learned much about his life before arriving in Salem, but he was gradually coming to terms with the realization that he might never get it all back. It was enough to share a new and different kind of life with this beautiful, wonderful woman and his two small children.
“Whose past, John?”
With a strange sort of a smile on his face, her husband answered positively, “Ours, Doc. Do you remember when we first were getting to know each other and you… figured out that I didn’t know who I was?”
“Yes, I do… that was a very painful time for you… but what made you think of that just now?” she asked curiously.
“Well…. I was thinking about how we seem to have been on opposite sides so much lately… that you automatically assumed I was being critical, when I wasn’t… and it reminded me of that first real conversation we had after you found out that I was hiding my amnesia…”
He paused and she jumped in, “Oh… yes… you were saying something about adversarial overtones…. that’s it, isn’t it? And, then we.. called a truce and decided that friendship was a lot nicer.”
With a long tired sigh, he said, “Yea… I still feel that way, Doc… and the question is.. can we get past this… so we don’t stay on opposite sides all the time? I really hate the tension that’s been sitting there between us ever since… that night.” Remembering it still hurt. Having to walk away at her insistence… it couldn’t get much worse than that.
Nodding with total understanding of where his mind had taken him, she grasped his hand briefly and then agreed, “I do too, John… I’ll try… I really will, but it’s going to take some time… I’m sorry about that.”
That had to be enough to start with. “Okay… fair enough. I love you, Marlena Evans… more than ever before. Please… don’t forget that.”
Satisfied with the inroads there were making, she assured him, “I won’t… and I love you too… that’s what matters most right now… that’s what will get us through the rough times.”
Taking her in a tender embrace, he sighed again, saying, “Yea… God knows it’s gotten us through some horrendous times before… no sense letting that change now.”
There was a moment in which it was uncertain what was to follow and he seized it… his hands surrounding her face in a gentle caressing hold, his lips moving ever so slowly toward hers, and then he kissed her, his tongue parting her lips effortlessly, its swirling movements inside her expectant mouth stimulating heated tingling sensations all through her body… as his kisses always did, forbidden or not.
Before it went too far, John broke contact, sensing that she was about to do the same. “So…uh.. let’s get to work here, then…. the kids’ll be up here wanting to know when the picnic is gonna start,” he said nervously, his fingers quietly tracing the outline of his mouth, wishing they had time and were ready for more, but realizing neither was the case at the moment.
“Yes… yes they will, won’t they?” she agreed, making the same motion with her outstretched fingertips. Clearing her throat, she refocused her attention, a difficult task indeed. It had, after all been several weeks since they’d been together. “Okay… I’ll uh… I’ll get the jelly, you start in with the peanut butter and then I’ll finish… how’s that for teamwork?” she said with a sweet smile that offered some promise for later on in the day.
“Perfect, Doc… just perfect…. Oh, Marlena… I missed you!” he said, his voice suddenly filled with passion, as he admired her beauty once more… a beauty that went well beyond her many surface attributes.
‘Her smile could replace the Milky Way,’ he was thinking as she replied in kind, “I missed you too… you’ll never know how much, John.” And, then… they finally got to work, making four sandwiches, grabbing the bag of chips, a bowl of grapes, drinks for all of them, and of course, the Oreos… What was a picnic without those sweet little morsels?
Brady was pushing Belle in the swing, Marlena was leaning back on one of the lawn chairs and John had fallen asleep in the hammock… a sight which for some reason amused the children… and they decided to have a little fun. No one had to tell these perceptive children; they instintively knew that there was a great need for laughter and play around the Black household. So, when Marlena was immersed in her book and their father was dozing, they snuck down to the lake, each taking one of the little buckets and dipping it into the cool waters. Within moments, they were positioned perfectly… Belle next to her mother, Brady near his father. Brady looked at his little sister and gave her the thumbs up signal… it was time. Silently, they counted down, “Three, two, one… ” Splash… the water was spilling out over the utterly shocked faces of the people they loved most in all the world. Both their parents bolted upright, John falling unceremoniously onto the ground below him, sputtering as he tried to rise… Brady and Belle were in hysterics over it and John was still trying to reach full awareness and get his feet underneath himself.
For her part, Marlena was flabbergasted that her little angel babies could do such a thing, so much so that she was rendered utterly speechless herself. Finally, after several long incredulous moments, she managed to say something, “Belle… Brady.. just what do you think you were doing?”
“Please don’t be mad, Momma.. we just wanted to play and have some fun.”
“Yea… everything has been so sad lately.. and we want you to be happy.”
“Oh… sweethearts… Mommy is going to be happy again… Daddy’s home with us, now.” John was still coming to terms with what has happened, but he found himself in wholehearted agreement with his children and decided that it might be time for a little payback…
“You know… I think the kids are right, Doc.. don’t you… I mean.. when’s the last time we all had a really good laugh? Heck, I can’t even remember the last time… so… I think… now might be…..”
Belle and Brady could tell from the way he was moving and the way he was looking at them, that trouble was coming. Their Daddy intended to get them wet, very wet… Brady took one quick glance as his little sister, thinking he should protect her then, said just before bolting toward the house, “Run Belle… Daddy’s gonna get us all wet in the lake… I can tell!”
“I know… hurry Brady… hurry… if he catches us, he’s gonna frow us in… I just know it!”
Breaking into a jog, wanting to give them a chance at a good start, John glanced at Marlena as if to say…’Just watch me now… I’ll get em, Doc!’ and he took off at a higher rate of speed. It had been a few weeks and he misjudged their ability to cover the distance. They were almost to the stairs before he was at sprint level. By the time he reached the stairs, they were past the first landing already. ‘Fear can make you do some amazing things,’ he was thinking as he stopped to catch his breath, enjoying seeing them clamber toward the deck.
Marlena looked on with glee, enjoying the squeals of delighted anxiety she was hearing from her children as well as the boyish playfulness she saw her husband exhibiting as he called after them, “You can run, but you cannot hide… Ha ha… I’m going to get you… my pretties.. ha ha!” and other such comments designed to let them know he was going to get them, but that when he caught them, they’d all have some fun playing in the water.
Acknowledging for himself that he was too winded after lying completely inert to catch them quickly, John turned his attention to his wife. “Oh well… couldn’t catch em,” he said with an exaggerated sigh… Snapping his fingers, he added, “They’re getting too fast for me now, Doc… guess I’ll just have to think of something else… or… someone else.”
Not looking up from brushing her wet hair out, she replied absently, “Oh… that’s nice, John… “
Smiling at her inattention, he approached her slowly, “Doc… I said… I’ll have to find someone else to play with…”
At last, she was catching on… and she looked up into his dancing blue eyes… there was a glint of mischief in them… he was planning something, but what could it be? “John… oh, no… honey… no…I’m pregnant and I have to get my rest you know… I… my.. .condition is…..” she started in anxiously while backing away from him, as he started advancing slowly, a youthful grin of satisfaction appearing on his face.
Cautioning her, he said, “Don’t run, now Doc.. that might not be good for you and the baby.. just take it nice and slow… and you might find that you have some good.. clean.. fun,” John said, winking at her. “I promise… I’ll be very gentle…” She stood there transfixed by his warm, playful expression. It was a foregone conclusion… she was going in the lake…
Finally, the kids were in bed, the problems had been worked out to the degree that they could be and John and Marlena were alone. It was the first time in weeks that they were together and not talking about their difficulties. Standing there in the hallway near the master bedroom, they were nervous, a little cautious, both afraid of being hurt, “Marlena… if you’re… I mean… if you don’t….” John began uncertainly, his gaze slightly askance.
It warmed her heart to know he was being so sensitive to how she might be feeling. “Honey… did I tell you how much I’ve missed you these past few weeks?” she asked as she approached him slowly, prepared to show him.
“Uh… yea.. you might have mentioned it once or twice this afternoon. Did I… uh, tell you how much I missed you? Because I did, you know.” He sighed, remembering how long and lonely the nights really were, “Fact is… I was miserable without you, Doc..” he admitted, not at all reluctantly, as he threaded her silky hair with the fingers of his right hand.
“I know…” she said softly, purposely giving no details.
That threw him a little and it was clear from his response that he was surprised she did, “You know?” he said, wondering exactly what she meant.
“Yes… Abe, Bo, Carrie… Carolyn… they all gave me.. sort of a report on how you were doing.”
His mind flashed on the condition he’d left his room in much of the time and realized she knew how deeply he’d sunk for awhile, “Oh…. so uh.. then.. you know about…” he started to say it all then thought better of it, avoiding her eyes, feeling uncomfortable about it.
She nodded and shared her knowledge, “Yes… honey, I know about the pizza boxes… the empty beer cans, the dirty laundry… everything, John.”
An embarrassed grin crept across his face, as he responded, with that emotion, “Oh… I… guess I was.. kind of a mess for awhile, huh?”
Sensing his discomfort, she let him in on her secret, “Mmm hmm… John, please don’t feel bad about it… I cried myself to sleep every night after you left.”
That was unsettling to hear; he hated that he’d caused her so much pain, or the situation had at least. His hands cupped her face, as he spoke to her apologetically, “Every night? Oh, Marlena.. I’m so sorry… really…”
“Well, almost every night… except when Carrie or one of the twins were here making me watch movies to keep me from thinking about you and missing you so much.”
“Still… I’m really sorry, Doc… I never meant to hurt you… I love you so much… I’m a wreck without you… that’s a fact. I need you very much, pretty lady.”
She was touched by his sweet concern and sensitivity to her feelings, and shared the sentiment, “And I need you… now and always.” Reaching out to draw her near, he repeated it quietly, willing it to be true, forcing all thoughts other than her body next to his, out of his mind, “Always…”
They stood there in the hall outside the bedroom, each waiting for the other to broach the subject again. Finally, it was Marlena who did so, saying, “John… I want to put the whole episode behind us, if we can, and I want us to be together in every way that a loving couple should be… tonight.”
Her voice was firm and her expression so serious that he knew she meant it; she wanted him to make love to her. “Oh, Doc… that’s what I want too… and I want to be with you again, more than anything else… I want to show you how very much I’ve missed you these past few weeks. I love you so much.”
“And, I love you so much… Make love to me, honey. Let’s make the world go away for a little while and concentrate on you and me…. and the love we share… can we do that?” she said, finding herself crying for the joy of anticipation about being intimate with him after all the painful days and nights they’d spent apart.
“Of course we can… I want to make you feel so good honey…” he was saying, just before sweeping her into his arms and carrying her into the bedroom. Their eyes were locked in a mesmerizing intoxicating gaze, as he laid her down gently on the comforter. “I want you to forget about everything, Doc… just feel my love… I want to make love to you like never before… all you need to do is lie back and let me please you… okay?”
“Oh…. honey… ” she said, tears of joy flowing freely. And, then she nodded, allowing herself to be immersed in bodily sensation. He was an amazing lover, capable of bringing her unimaginable pleasure. He was undressing her and kissing her at the same time, the combination of the light touch of his fingertips and his tongue swirling inside her mouth made her moan with desire. It had only been a few weeks, but it felt like months since they’d been together this way, “Oh… John… oh…” she cried, her flaming desire building quickly.
As he gently removed her robe to reveal her lovely nakedness, he made a sharp intake of breath. It seemed like forever since he’d had a glimpse at that incredible sight… “Marlena… you’re so beautiful… I’ve missed being with you… holding you… touching you… I love you.. more than I can say, honey… ” Next he was touching her bare skin again, his fingers moving down from her neck to her breasts, and then it happened…..
His right forefinger traced the scar on her breast, and stayed one second too long; she tensed and sat up immediately, feeling very self conscious about it. John hadn’t touched it before, there were bandages and then trouble between them… there was no real reason, they just hadn’t talked about it yet. She rose quickly and placed her robe around her suddenly chilled body. “Doc…” he said, worriedly, climbing rapidly off the bed… wanting to tell her what he was thinking and why his fingertip had lingered there. She needed to know because she was hurting and obviously had drawn the wrong conclusion about its meaning. He moved closer, wanting to put his hands on her shoulders, but seeing from the way she tensed when he came near, that it wasn’t what she wanted. It killed him, but he didn’t touch her, not yet.
“Don’t… just don’t say anything, John…” she warned, her right hand in the air, barely able to hold back the tears. She didn’t want some lame attempt at a compliment to make her feel better. It was ugly and he hated to see it… at least that was what her mind told her whenever she looked in the mirror. She was scarred now, imperfect, no longer that beautiful creature he was talking about moments ago. That was over forever now.
“Marlena.. please… we need to talk about this… We should have had this conversation a long time ago… but so many other things got in the way.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, John.. I don’t want to hear you tell me that it doesn’t make any difference to you… or how it doesn’t change anything between us…”
Convinced it had to be said, John argued the point, “But those things are true, Doc… I love you… Now, I’m going to tell you the truth about how I feel and it’s your choice whether you believe me or not.”
“No….” she said firmly, leaving no room for discussion, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer.
Even though she stiffened, he took her in his arms and turned her around to face him, saying almost angrily, “Marlena?… Do you really think I’m so shallow… that something like a little scar on your breast is going to change the way I feel about you?”
“Well, no… but….” she stammered, not able to meet his injured countenance. She’d hurt him by making that false assumption and she suddenly felt ashamed for thinking that of him.
“But what?” Staring into her tear filled eyes, he grasped her shoulders firmly between his hands and implored her to believe his passionate explanation, “Doc… listen to me… I *love* you.. all of you.. just the way you are. Now, the reason I touched you there was so you would know that it doesn’t make any difference to me… I still think that you are the most beautiful thing in all of God’s creation… I just wanted to know what it felt like, Marlena… that’s all… and I wanted you to see that it didn’t bother me…to touch it. I’m sorry if it upset you…that’s the last thing I wanted to have happen.”
His sincerity was clear and his sensitivity to her needs amazing, and she responded, feeling contrite, “No…I’m sorry.. for being so overly sensitive, John… I’ve just been so.. self conscious about it. I shouldn’t have over reacted to you touching me there… and I’m sorry that I ruined the moment… I… I…. Oh.. John!” She had to stop… the emotions were so powerful that they overtook all other processes and the tears came again, causing her to shiver from the fear and the release of that and so many other feelings she couldn’t even name.
In less than a second, she was in his warm and tender embrace and he was speaking softly in her ears and stroking her hair, quieting her fears, “Oh.. baby.. shhh….it’s okay.. it’s okay… I’m here… I’m here, Doc… and I’m not leaving… I’m not ever leaving you again… Let me just… hold you… okay?”
Still weeping lightly, she said agreeably, “Okay… I love you, John…. and I need you… thank you… for coming back… and for understanding… I just love you so…”
Brushing away her fallen tears with the pads of his thumbs in a gesture he’d made so many times before, he spoke softly, but with conviction, even as his voice quivered with emotion, “Oh… honey… you’re welcome. Doc… I want to be here for everything and I want you to know… you can tell me anything… I want to be right by your side… every step of the way… please tell me you believe in that, Marlena.. because I mean it with all my heart.”
She was touched by his efforts and his manner with her, from the moment he’d walked into her hospital room earlier that morning, though she’d denied it to start, she’d sensed his total sincerity and the strength of his convictions. “I do, John… I do believe it….and I believe in you and me… for always.”
“Good…cause you’re stuck with me, forever, Doc… and..”
“That’s a fact!” Marlena finished for him, smiling at his expression of shocked surprise.
Then he chuckled, even as he tried to make a witty remark in return, “Now, how did you know I was going to say that… I might have had something else….”
“Umm hmm… like what, might I ask?” she was saying, enjoying his embarrassed incredulity.
He stumbled over the words, “Well, I.. I uh… things… there are any number of other things I could have said… I just… can’t think of any right now… that’s all.”
That made her laugh all the harder. Gosh it felt good. They always say, ‘Laughter is the best medicine… Now where have I heard that before?’ she was asking herself, just before all rational thought floated right out of her head in favor of the maddening desire this man stimulated within her being, just by the simple act of holding her and kissing her so tenderly.
Loving For a Lifetime
Marlena had allowed him to hold her for a quite awhile; long after the tears subsided and her sobs quieted, his arms were still protectively wrapped around her slender body. They stood out on the terrace off their bedroom, gazing out at the moonlight shining down on the lake, enjoying the quiet beauty of a warm summer night and the soothing sounds of nature. It was so quiet and peaceful, so relaxing and it was nice to be together and not feel the need to talk. Instinctively, the loving couple swayed back and forth in time to the imaginary music that played in their hearts.
They stayed that way for awhile, but then John took her hand and they began to dance as the strains of an old song wafted toward them, serenading them as if on cue. The volume was low, but stepping inside, they heard the enchanting melody and the sweet lyrics which seemed so appropriate for them and the way they loved….
When all indications were that it was time to retire to the bed, John broached a slightly awkward subject for the second time during the evening, wanting to take the pressure off his wife, “Marlena… it’s okay if you don’t want us to make love tonight… I’ll understand… you’ve been through a lot and if you just want me to hold you…I’ll gladly do that.”
Marlena leaned back into his arms and sighed contentedly, comforted by the fact that they could be together and feel secure again, and especially by his sensitivity to her feelings and his openness. “Thank you… I think that would be.. very nice.”
Caressing her face with such gentleness, he said softly, “I love you so much… and all I want to do is make you feel safe and cared for, Doc..”
Turning herself back around to face him directly, she took his hands in hers, threading her fingers through his as she responded warmly, “You do, honey… you do all that and so much more. You’ve been wonderful with me today… and with the kids. I know it was really hard for you to explain what’s been happening. You did a terrific job with it, John.”
He smiled lightly, saying, “Thanks… it *was* hard… I wasn’t sure how much they could handle and I was really hoping I was saying the right things. I appreciated your support. I could tell you approved and that helped a lot.”
John was looking at her and all of a sudden, she had this expression on her face… and he knew she wasn’t listening to him or even paying him the slightest bit of attention. She was fixated on some internal sensation… “Doc… are you okay? Are you in pain?” he was asking, as it suddenly occurred to him that she could be hurting.
In slightly absent tones, she denied that and told him what was going on, “No… no pain.. John, I know it’s early… but I think.. I felt the baby move… here… put your hand on my belly…. see if you can feel what I did,” she said taking his right hand and placing it on her stomach.
Standing very still, John closed his eyes and concentrated very hard… putting his entire focus on whatever sensation was coming from her slightly protruding abdomen. After a minute or so, he was about to give it up, when he felt the slightest little fluttering movement and he knew… His eyes went open wide and the elation in his voice told her all she needed to know about his newfound commitment to her and their unborn child, “Doc… I think you’re right…. I felt something… Did you feel something?” he asked hopefully, looking up at her with excitement shining in his bright blue eyes.
It touched her to see how happy he was and she affirmed his reaction, “I did… it was like.. a little butterfly.. what did it feel like for you?” she asked, pleased to think that they’d both felt the earliest possible movements of their second natural child.
It was so sudden, so unexpected and he was absolutely thrilled, forgetting about everything else in their lives for the moment. His voice shaky with mirth, he replied in kind, “Just like that… it was all.. fluttery feeling.. Oh, Doc…we felt the baby… we just felt our baby move… Oh, this is so… incredible!” he exclaimed joyfully, impulsively hugging her again, holding her closer than ever.
They had moved to the bed and he continued to alternate between laying his hands on her belly and holding her close. Her husband was positively beaming… what a glorious sight to see.. it made her decision to maintain the pregnancy seem more right than ever as she watched his excitement increasing by the minute. He kept his hand there for a long while, waiting to feel it again. Without warning, he leaned over her supine figure, placed his hands on her cheeks and kissed her with great passion. When the kiss ended he gazed deeply into her glimmering hazel eyes and gently caressed her cheeks, speaking with enthusiasm, “Marlena… I love you… and our baby… so much… I’m so happy to have the chance to share this with you.”
Her smile was as warm as the summer’s day that had just ended and it made his heart swell to see it adorn her beautiful face as she responded, “I was hoping you’d say that…I am very happy that you’re here with me… it just wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t, John.. This baby means so much because it comes from our love.. that’s what makes this time so very special,” she concluded taking his left in her right, once again threading her fingers through his in a gesture of togetherness.
“I know… and since we didn’t get to do this when you were carrying Belle… it’s all so new and exciting for me… Thank you for being so forgiving of me… it means a lot that you’re not.. holding anything against me, Doc,” he said, gently tracing the line of her jaw with his right forefinger.
“I never would… you should know that by now, honey. I understand that you were motivated by your love for me… but we’re together now, and that’s the way we’re going to stay.”
“Yes we are, pretty lady… and that’s a fact.” Placing his hands back on her belly again, he said, “And, I want you to tell me whenever the baby moves.. I want to feel it… every time… okay?”
“Every time… even in the middle of the night?” she asked, teasing him, knowing the thrill would wear off slightly, over time.
“Well… ah, yea what the heck… every time. I’m only going to get to do this pregnancy thing with you once… so I want to make every moment of it count.”
“Okay… you want it, you got it… Even in the middle of the night,” she said with a chuckle, wondering how long he’d last. John smiled again and snuggled up closer, sliding his left arm underneath her body and resting his right hand on her belly, so as not to miss it if the baby moved again. Marlena felt warm all over as they laid there in the silence of the night, content to be in each other’s arms again. She knew their love was strong and true and could handle the storms that lay ahead for them. She believed with all her heart that somehow, with God’s gentle guidance and the bond of love they shared, they were going to make it through and come out even stronger for the experience.
The sunlight filtered through the tall trees surrounding the house by the lake, flickering through the window panes and tickling her eyelids. She awakened to the smell of her favorite breakfast foods. “Well, good morning pretty lady… breakfast is served,” said the soft voice of the man she loved as he stepped into the bedroom bearing a nice surprise.
“Oh… my, John… you did all this for me?” she said, sitting up and surveying the contents of the tray he was carrying. On one end were the newspaper and a bud vase with a single pink rose and on the other a plate of food, nicely arranged to include scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. There was a cup of herbal tea steeping and a glass of orange juice.
“Nothing is too good for you, my lovely lady… Relax and enjoy, Doc… I’ve got the morning completely free… and I have the kids working on a little project outside…”
“John… how is it that you have this time to take, I thought things were really heating up over there and you wanted to take an active part in the businesses again this summer?”
“So, you’ve been paying attention, have you? Well, I have a meeting at Alamain Industries this afternoon to take care of a few things which I’ll tell you about later. Right now, I just want you to enjoy a leisurely breakfast… okay?”
“All right… but I must say you’ve peaked my curiosity now… What are you up to, John Black?”
Leaning in for a kiss, he said with a slightly mischievous smile, “You’ll find out… later. See you soon.”
“Oh.. you… you do that on purpose… give me just enough information to get me going… you’re sneaky…. very sneaky.”
“Yea… but you love me anyway…”
“Yes I do… very much and I am so glad you’re home again… I missed you so…”
“And, I missed you too, Marlena.. more than you’ll ever know. Now, eat your breakfast or my efforts will have been in vain… none of this will be any good if it gets cold.”
“Oh, we can’t have that… and John… whatever I did to deserve this kind of treatment… tell me so I can keep doing it… I don’t want this to stop.”
Standing in the frame of the door, he smiled at her and teased her about it, “So, the lady secretly does like to be pampered and spoiled a bit… very interesting, Doc. This from the woman who is so independent, so self sufficient.”
“Only when it comes to other people. You can take care of me any time you want, my love… I don’t mind depending on you… not one bit.”
“Good… cause that’s just what you can do… every day from now on…for the rest of your sweet… long life.” John winced and then paused, just for a second as the thought suddenly occurred that her life might be limited and it was one of those telling moments for both of them. He flashed on similar incidents with Isabella… and the fear took hold of his heart, a worried sigh escaping his mouth.
Choosing not to dwell on the fear and sorrow she saw in his eyes, Marlena just glossed right over it… “Well, I’m going to hold you to that, my love… now, go on… get out there and check on our munchkins… there’s no telling what they might be doing in your absence.”
“Yea… right, I’ll do that… enjoy your breakfast,” he said with much less enthusiasm and a weak smile, as he left her alone. ‘Damn it, John… why’d you have to go and say something like that… you just reminded her… no, she was okay with it, you reminded yourself. John, you’ve gotta get a grip on this thing; you just can’t dwell on those fears. Doc could beat this and she might be around here for another fifty years for all you know. So, forget about it and enjoy being with her… no matter how long you have.’ As he stepped outside to see his children playing on the swings, his mind acknowledged that it was much easier said than done. The only way to handle it was to fill all their lives with love and laughter and special activities which was exactly what he planned to do, starting this very day.
I Would Sail Around the World
It was slowly approaching midday and no one had come back up to see her, so Marlena decided that a luxurious bath was just what the doctor ordered. She turned on the water, placed some bubble bath in the stream and then crossed the room to look out the window, just to peek out and see what they were doing. She looked down on the driveway and it looked like John was doing his level best to include the kids in his projects, one of which was obviously to wash the Jeep. The kids were wearing their bathing suits and John was soaked and taking off his sopping wet shirt, revealing a sight that always made her heart skip a beat, or sometimes two. No matter what had come before, seeing his bare chest sent shivers up and down her spine. When she recovered and was able to refocus her attention, Marlena looked closer at the events taking place down below. Her husband was apparently attempting to scold them for soaking him, but failing miserably. John was working so hard not to laugh, so they wouldn’t keep splashing him every chance they got, but it wasn’t working out too well. After the events of the past several weeks it was a glorious vision seeing them all playing and laughing, having good teasing fun together. It brought a genuine smile to her face as the meaning of the moment made itself known; the children were welcoming their father back into their hearts again, something she had been very worried about.
As she slipped into the smooth warm soapy water, she closed her eyes and sighed with relief. Somehow, some way…. they would be all right; she had to make herself believe it. Her greatest fear was that if she had to leave them after the baby was born, John would fall apart. He had seen one wife and young mother die before his very eyes, had even held her as she took her last breath and he was utterly devasted by it. Afterward, he clung to his only lifeline… one Doctor Marlena Evans, without whom they both believed he wouldn’t have survived that loss on top of the loss of identity. It was a brutal crushing blow and had she not been there for him… there was no telling how far into the darkness he would have descended, though by all outward appearances he was doing fine at the time. But…. to lose the woman he steadfastly claimed was his one true soulmate…. also to cancer… also just after the birth of his child, knowing that she might very well have been saved had she not been pregnant. How would he ever cope with that pain?
Marlena’s number one priority right now had to be the unborn baby in her belly, but priority number two was to ensure that her children and the man she loved with all her heart would survive if she lost the ultimate battle with the dreaded disease. Her left hand went to her belly and the other traced the small scar on her right breast. That scar held great significance. Underneath it lay a mystery called cancer. They had taken a lump out, a lump that was growing and possibly sending out signals for more abnormal cells to form. Were there microscopic cells traveling through her body right this very moment, had they gone to the lymph nodes and on to the blood stream? Were there any in her liver? She couldn’t know those answers if she continued on her current path, but traverse it she must. The only available alternative to end her own personal anguish was certain death for a child created in love… and that was a choice she could never willingly make. John had decided to honor that choice when he came back and for that she was extremely thankful. Marlena held on to the faintest of hopes that he would find the strength from somewhere and he had. Now, she had to figure out a way to shore him up for the other, more difficult task, She had to find some way to give him what he needed in case he had to go on without her, but how?
Seeking the one true source of wisdom and guidance, she turned to her Lord up in the heavens. Tilting her head back, she cast her worries upon him, “Oh, dear God…… I want to thank you for bringing John back to me and for the love we’ve shared. You know what is in my heart. I love them all so much… including this little miracle inside my womb. Watch over them, Lord…. give them the strength and courage they all need right now, help them grow and guide them in the way they need to go so that if I lose this battle they can travel on without me. You know that I don’t want to die… far from it, but I trust in you… and your goodness and mercy and if it is meant to be, I will fight this war and win it and we will raise our children together. We’ll watch them grow and then we’ll send them forth into this great big world, equipped with the knowledge and hopefully the values that will guide them throughout life. Hold them in your hands, Lord…. and be with us all through the difficult months ahead… Help us to see the beauty that surrounds us, help us appreciate the little things, help us to share moments of joy and sorrow together as a family and let us not dwell on the worst that can happen. Let us be grateful for the time we have, for we know that every moment is a gift.”
The longer she prayed, the more she felt a sense of peace and serenity in her heart. Marlena was truly putting herself in God’s hands and she believed with all her heart that no matter what the future held, he would not let her down. He would be with her every step of the way, he would be there through John and the children, and through the Brady’s and her friends, the Carver’s and Horton’s and so many others who loved her. When the prayer was over, Marlena leaned her head back and relaxed into the warmth and comfort of the bath and drifted off to sleep.
“Well, kids… we’re finally ready… Did you have fun helping Daddy?” he asked, surveying the damage and thinking about how his perspective on getting any job done had changed so drastically over the past year or so. Since he and Marlena finally married and had an actual house… there were many chores and projects. Although they were certainly wealthy enough to hire the work out, John believed that he needed to get his hands dirty and to show the kids the value of hard work. In his mind, paying someone to do all the household repairs would send the wrong signal to the children. However, getting the jobs completed took about three times as long as they would if he did them when the kids weren’t *helping* him.
He sighed as he looked at the expression of pride and accomplishment on Brady and Belle’s little faces. He wouldn’t trade these moments for anything. “Yes, Daddy… doesn’t the Jeep look beautiful?” said Belle with a gleeful grin.
“Belle… the Jeep looks cool, not beautiful… right Dad?” said, Brady looking to his father for approval.
Always careful not to play favorites or take sides, he hedged, “Uh…. I’d say it’s very cool and you two did a beautiful job of washing it up with me. Now, let’s go in and get cleaned up so we can start giving your Mommy all the surprises.. Won’t that be fun?” he finished, glad he’d been successful in distracting them.
“Oh boy… I can’t wait!” exclaimed Belle excitedly.
Brady agreed in kind, “Me neither… She’s going to be so happy, isn’t she Daddy?”
“Well, I sure do hope so, buddy… I can hardly wait to find out!” John said, barely able to contain his own excitement about all that he had planned for them. If he could make it happen, they’d soon be making some very special memories, ones to last a lifetime, however long that might happen to be.
The three of them tried to sneak in quietly, planning to get cleaned up before she saw them, but unfortunately they were observed entering through the kitchen door. “So, what have you been up to?” she said laughing at their state of wetness. “Did you save any water for the Jeep, John?”
“Ha ha… very funny… I’ll have you know we did a great job on the Jeep… it looks great, doesn’t it kids?”
“Yes Mommy…. Belle and I helped Daddy with all kinds of projects and now we have some surprises for you.”
“But first we have to get cweaned up, right Daddy?”
“Right sweetheart… you and Brady go get into the tub and we’ll do a quick bath and then we’ll get dressed and start our special day.”
“Oh, boy!” they both cried joyously, just before racing off toward the stairs.
Marlena and John watched them go and sighed at the same time. Marlena shared her thoughts, “Oh… I’m so glad to have you back… I’ve missed that sound in this house. We all missed you so very much.”
“And I missed you… more than I can begin to explain, Doc. The fact of the matter is… I was so lost, so empty without you in my life. I’m very happy to be home and today… is going to be the beginning of some really wonderful times for us.”
“Oh.. and why might that be, my love?” she asked with dancing, mischievous eyes, as she moved closer, hoping to coax a hint out of him.
“All in good time, Doctor….. all in good time,” he replied with a sly smile of his own. “I’ve got plans for you baby… BIG plans!” he said emphasizing his point as he took her in the warmth and tenderness of his loving arms.
“Oh… boy!” she exclaimed, repeating what the kids had just said. “I need a hint.. just one tiny hint, that’s all.”
“Well, since you smell so nice,” he said, breathing deeply of the sensuous mix of perfume and freshly washed hair. “I guess I could manage to come up with one measly old hint for you.”
“Oh, gee.. thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Doc… Anyway…. here goes… You’ll need some suntan lotion.”
She made a sound of dissatisfaction and then followed with the words that matched it, “Suntan lotion… that’s it? It’s the middle of summer… if we go anywhere outside, I would need that… That’s not a hint, John!”
“Okay…… you’ll need… lots of it,” he said with a playful wink and a teasing grin, while heading for the fridge to get a can of pop.
“Good one… you just think you’re so clever, don’t you?” she said, eyeing him for any signal she could glean.
He laughed… and then agreed, “Umm hmm…. bet you can’t guess, Doc… ” he continued teasing, snapping the tab just after he made the challenge.
“Bet I can… we’re going somewhere even sunnier than Salem in the summertime.” she said proudly, knowing it for certain.
“Bingo…. You’re just so quick on the uptake… I’m terribly impressed, wife of mine,” he said, just before leaning in to kiss her lips ever so lightly, enticing her.
“Ha ha… okay… we’re going some place where there’s lots of water… the sun is most intense when it reflects off the water. Hence the need for lots of suntan lotion.”
“Ooh… the lady is very astute….. you’re right, Doc,” John replied moving in for another kiss, this one not such a quickie.
“Oh… goody…this is so much fun…. Hmm… sun, water… we’re going somewhere by… boat. You’re taking me someplace by way of the water.. “
She was getting too close for comfort so he cut her off, “Okay.. time’s up… we have to finish getting ready now.” Without another word, he headed for the staircase, wanting to change his own damp clothing as well as avoid further inquiries.
“Hey… wait just a minute there, buster…. I was getting close to the truth, wasn’t I? Hey, John…. wait honey..” she called after him.
He laid down another challenge, one she was sure to take him up on, or at least he hoped she would, “Catch me if you can, Doc… Come on… I dare you… maybe if you do, I’ll give you another hint, or… something even better!” he said, his voice ending on a high note.
“Oh my…” she shuddered slightly at the thought of what he meant. That was one temptation she couldn’t resist… after all, the children were going to be taking a bath for awhile. They were old enough now, and so there were definite… possibilities. She rushed up the stairs chasing after her one true love. It felt SO good to be together again, to be happy for a little while, and she planned on enjoying every minute of their special time together.
“Here I come, ready or not!” she called out as she reached the top of the staircase.
“That was what I was counting on, Doc… and you know I’m *always* ready!” he said with gleeful anticipation, winking at her seductively as she approached the bed. He was halfway between lying down and sitting up waiting for her, only a sheet covering him… and it was very clear… there was nothing under that sheet but the love of her life, wearing his birthday suit. “Oh my… don’t I know it….” she said, nearly swooning as she imagined the moment of ecstasy that was soon to follow.
I Would Sail Around the World
Marlena had fallen asleep, almost immediately after they made love…. John concluded that she had to be exhausted from all the stress… much of it caused by his choices… so many of which he lamented as he watched the steady rise and fall of that beautiful chest. When she slept, she was as close to an angel as there ever was on earth, her face so perfect, her hair so soft and silky. He loved to stroke her golden tresses and he sighed as his finger traced the outline of her jaw and traveled slowly downward. “Oh, Marlena… I’m so sorry I hurt you…. I just… love you so much… and the thought of losing you… it tears me up inside lady… so you.. gotta beat this thing… you hear me?”
He was whispering so softly that she couldn’t make out the words, but his tenderness was touching. She was in that glorious sated lover’s state of being, having shared such intimacy and pleasure with the man who was quite literally the other half of her heart and who was permanently imbedded in her soul. “Mmm…” she moaned with the tingly sensation of his fingers on her skin. In moments like these John knew he was close as he would get to heaven without actually going there. “Doc… I love you… I just love you so much… ” he was whispering again, suddenly near tears. He couldn’t begin to imagine what he would ever do without this lady in his life. The thought of losing her was enough to send him reeling. “God….please… don’t let the…cancer take her… please….I promise… I’ll take really good care of her… if you just.. let me share a long life with her.”
Her peaceful slumber was interrupted by a change in her lover’s breathing and then she felt a drop of moisture land on her cheek. It startled her and she looked up into a liquid blue… “Honey… what’s wrong?”
“Nothing…. I’m just…happy to be with you this way.. I love you so much,” he said with a weak smile, averting his gaze, working to make the moisture disappear so she wouldn’t worry.
“No… there’s more…” she said, gently turning his face so that she could see his eyes. He was hurting but he was trying to spare her that pain.
“It’s okay… I was just telling God how much I need you.. that’s all,” he said as he caressed her cheeks, forcing the pain back down where he thought it belonged. It wasn’t fair to make her feel bad for him, as he knew she would.
“Oh.. well did you tell him how much I need you too? Because it’s true you know… I depend on you.. my love.”
“I know that… and you always can, Doc.. for everything. I am going to be right here with you… all you have to do is snap your fingers and I’ll be what you need. I… I love you so much that I… Oh, I just want to make you happy…” She could see the fear behind his deceptively cheerful eyes. It was pretense… he was aching inside. He’d been thinking about what it would be like if he lost her. She had to make him see how wonderful he was and what a blessing they had in the here and now.
“You do, John… you *do* make happy… by being here, by being such an amazing lover… looking at me.. the way you do… The way you play with our children…the way you teach them… John, you’ve made me very happy… don’t… ever doubt that okay… no matter what happens. I am SO happy to be your wife…” He was shaking his head as if to say it wasn’t enough… and she made him look at her again, “John…we’re together… in spite of everything the Dimera’s did to keep us apart… and I’m so thankful… our dreams have come true.”
“But it’s not enough, Doc! I want more… I want to…sit in a rocking chair on our front porch and watch the cars go by. I want to grow old with you… and I want to die in your arms… After everything we’ve been through… don’t we deserve to share a lifetime together?”
“John, it’s not a question of deserving. This isn’t some punishment, it’s part of life, things happen, and we face them, just like we’ve faced all the other challenges that stood in our path.”
“I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to get so emotional on you here… I’m just going to go check on the kids… I’ll be right back,” he said, climbing off the bed. This was NOT the way he planned for the day to go.
She grasped his forearm, stopping his progress… “John… come on… don’t hide it… you still think God is doing this to us… “
Her husband’s response was immediate… his resentment flaring swiftly, “No… I think he’s not answering my prayers and I don’t understand why!”
“He is, John… he *is* answering them because we’re here… and we’re together… that’s all that matters, John.”
He nodded and flashed her a ‘thanks for reminding me’ look… “You’re right.. I’m sorry… And, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this… so… no more talk of fears and sadness… this is meant to be a very special day.. a day for smiles and laughter.”
With a light chuckle, she agreed that was a good idea, “I could use that… and so could you… “
“That’s what I thought. You take it easy here and I’ll go get the kids dressed and ready to go,” he suggested so she would rest.
“Ready to go… John, just what are you planning?” She was curious about it all… he’d given her so few hints…
“Not telling… it’s a surprise, Doc…”
“Oh you….You just love to torment me… don’t you?”
His face sporting a patented teasing grin, he leaned in for a quick kiss and said, “Yep… but in a good way..”
Her sigh of exasperation made him laugh… “See you in a couple of minutes… don’t forget that suntan lotion… you’re going to need it soon…” he said, his laughter floating over his bare shoulders. Marlena didn’t say anything else, realizing he wasn’t going to spoil his surprise. Staring into the closet.. she sighed and decided she didn’t have a thing to wear.
Half an hour later, they were ready to exit the house… except for Marlena… the children dressed in casual summer clothing. Brady was in khaki shorts and a shirt with the latest action hero on the front, Belle in pink shortalls with a flower printed top, her hair up in a pony tail and barrettes. John wore matching khaki shorts… and a plum colored polo shirt. They looked mighty handsome to Marlena as she reached the top of the stairs and glanced downward. John looked up and saw an amazing vision of beauty… she was stunning…wearing a white sundress, the straps an inch thick, the cut low, but not too low… “Whoa… Doc… you look…. exceptional in that… is it new?”
“No… you’ve seen it before…” she said, her heart leaping at the sight of his wide eyes and the boyishly lovesick grin he sported.
“I have… Oh.. yea.. I have… loved it the first time too…” he said wisely. “Marlena.. I have to say… you wear that *so* well.. You look.. radiant,” he was saying, his voice filled with passion.
“Why thank you, my love… are we ready to go.. to wherever we’re headed?” she was asking, enjoying her effect on her husband. It felt reassuring to know he was still so attracted to her.
John didn’t move.. he was staring at her and his response was delayed… “Uh… yea.. I’ll… uh… just… go get the car,” he stammered… laboring to tear his eyes from her body… backing only a step or two toward the door as she continued her way down the stairs. It made her smile and the children giggled.
“Yes, why don’t you do that, honey…” she said, approaching him slowly.. he stood transfixed by her beauty as she began running her hands up and down his chest in a way that made him ache to hold her close and make love yet again.. Separation made him crave that magical brand of intimacy again and again.
“Sure, Doc… I’ll go ahead and do that…” he parroted, laboring to make coherent sentences come out of his mouth.
“Mommy… what’s wrong with Daddy?” asked Belle with sweet innocence as she watched her father backing slowly away from their mother. “He’s acting kinda funny right now.”
She tossed her head back and laughed heartily… “Yes… he is… Well, honey… I think it’s because he’s so happy that we’re all back together again… he missed us a lot.”
Still slightly puzzled, but thinking his mother knew, Brady agreed, saying, “Yea… that must be it… we missed being together too… I’m glad you and Daddy still love each other.”
Sweeping them into a warm hug meant to make them feel secure, she said, “Oh, my sweethearts… we’ll always love each other… no matter what happens.. that will never change… okay?”
In the next instant a much more composed husband and father poked his head in the door, “Okay… we’re all set to go.. your chariot awaits you… let’s go everybody… we’ve got places to go!” John exclaimed gleefully.
“Then by all means lead on… love of mine… ” Marlena answered, gesturing for the children to head on out the door.
After a quick stop at Alamain Industries, aptly re-titled John Black Enterprises, Inc… and his charitable organization both of which were now housed in the same building.. The Toscano Foundation, they were all ready to start on the plans John had been making.
“All right…. since you’re not going to volunteer it… suppose you tell me what those two stops were about, John?”
“Okay… I guess I can tell you that much.. I just announced to my staff that I’m taking an indefinite leave… I made some official appointments at both places to handle business in my absence.
“Indefinite leave… John… but you said you were going to take a hands on approach after we got married and now you’re leaving indefinitely.. what’s going on? This isn’t because of me… because you think you need to play nursemaid to me… is it?”
“You… need a nursemaid… hardly… Doctor Evans.. besides.. can you see me in one of those short little skirts?” He raised his voice to a falsetto and said, “You know… my thighs are just so thick… Did I ever tell you that I have my mother’s thighs?” he said with a twinkle in his eyes, enjoying the squeals of delight he elicited from the children
His wife burst into laughter at the thought of it… and she shuddered… “Oh my…. that’s quite a picture..” she said and then paused to consider the real reason and determine why he was being so mysterious, “Okay.. so.. then what’s it all about, John?”
“You’ll see soon enough… my lady love… soon enough.”
“According to who?” Marlena was asking, becoming slightly perturbed with him at this point. Her curiosity was getting the best of her and she really wanted to know what he had planned for their little family.
“According to that… ” he said as the Jeep pulled to a stop near the waterfront… John pointed toward the docks…
“What?” She followed his finger and gazed upon a gleaming vision of white. It wasn’t a boat… it was a ship… a grand and glorious yacht and on its stern… she gazed upon the name written in caligraphy, “Pretty Lady..” She felt salty tears welling up in her elated eyes. “Oh, John…. you did this.. just for me?” she asked tearing her gaze away from the water and toward her husband.
He smiled warmly.. pleased that she was touched, “Yea…. a little token of my love… I took the leave so we could sail around the world Marlena… No pressure.. no time limits… we’ll take it easy… if you need a day to rest.. we’ll take it… if you’re ready to see the sights.. we’ll do it.. just you and me and the kids… and the crystal clear ocean… What do you say?” he asked with unbridled enthusiasm.
At first she said nothing at all, overcome by emotion… Finally, she responded.. a hand covering her mouth.. her voice trembling, “Oh.. honey… I… can hardly.. believe this! You are just… the most…amazing man… and l love you SO!” she cried, leaping into his tender arms.
“So I guess that’s a yes, then… ” he teased, enjoying the embrace very much.. but more important to him was knowing how happy he had made her.
She was positively beaming as she alternated between staring disbelievingly at the ship and into his sparkling blue orbs, “Yes… it is… Yes, yes… I’ll sail around the world with you, my love… just you and me, the kids… and the stars above.”
“Oh… boy… Daddy bought us a big boat… and we’re going sailing on the ocean.. Oh BOY!!” shouted their children with glee as they joined in a family hug. This was like magic to them and the best part was that they were all together again.
A short time later, after having gone back to the Pub to say a few goodbyes, Marlena approached her husband with necessary details, “John… honey… have you discussed all this with Sarah and Mike?”
“Yep… they said to call regularly with your weights, the measurement of the fundus, and to make sure you have a periodic exam to check the progress of the baby… but otherwise… they said it’s okay. Oh.. and I’ll have my planes on constant standby… so if there’s some sort of emergency… one can be dispatched immediately to take us home if need be.”
Marlena considered it and nodded after a fashion, then said agreeably, “All right.. I can live with that. I have to ask you something else too, John… honey.. if I…”
Sensing where she was headed, John cut her off, even putting his hand up as if to ward off a blow, “No, don’t say it…. I don’t want to dwell on that right now… “
Having expected that reaction, Marlena was firm with him, “John… let me finish please.”
Sighing resignedly, he stared down toward the water and then reluctantly acquiesced, “All right… go ahead, Doc.”
“If anything happens and I start to get sicker… if you’re forced to make a decision you don’t want to make… I need you to promise me.”
He was shaking his head vigorously… “No… don’t ask me that.. No… please, Doc..” he said still hesitant to meet her gaze, his eyes pleading with her not to force it on him.
“John…. if something happens… and it comes down to a choice… and the doctors have to rely on someone else.. you have to promise me you’ll save the baby…. “
All he could do was shake his head….. the fears rushing back. He shut his eyes… it was unthinkable… to be off in some foreign land and choosing to end her life in favor of a viable fetus… They would be at that point in a little over two months.. It was a long way off and he made himself believe it wouldn’t happen. At last, he agreed, “All right… I…promise.. if something happens while we’re… away from home and the baby has a chance to survive… I’ll do what I have to do…”
She insisted he agree specifically, “No.. say the words, John. Promise me you’ll honor my wishes, John… I mean this..”
His anger flared and then disappeared as quickly as it came, “Okay! I’ll honor your wishes… I promise…Now,” he said, softening his tone considerably, finally looking her in the eye,”..can we get on with the fun part? Please?”
“Yes… we can get on with the fun part…” she said, still feeling exasperated with his resistance. She prayed they wouldn’t come to that place… still wondering whether he would indeed honor her directives should the unfortunate circumstance of having to choose between mother and baby actually arise. They stood at the railing enduring long moments of silence… both thinking how quickly their difference in perspective made itself evident.
Rubbing his back with her hands, she sighed and said quietly, “It’s going to be okay.. this trip is a wonderful idea, John… let’s just enjoy it..”
He turned to face her at last, having been working on his emotions a little, “That’s what I want more than anything else, Doc… I just wanted to get away from everything and spend some time with you… that’s all.. so what do you say we get going..”
“I say yes, my love.. let’s us christen the ship and set sail.” John smiled, shaking himself out of his funk, and took her hand in his. Together, they headed toward the bow of the ship where a bottle of champagne was already waiting for them. The children simply tagged along behind… ready to see this part, but also quite prepared to race each other up and down the long decks. It was all so new and exciting.
And so began the maiden voyage of The Pretty Lady………
Flexibility Rules
As he gazed at the gleaming white surfaces of his newest acquisition and peered down into the water below, John determined that the warm mid summer’s day was perfect for being out on deck. It was going to be a glorious day, one to soak up the soft rays of sunshine that shone down upon them like a beacon of light through the darkness. There was a gentle breeze blowing through his slightly sweat dampened hair and the cooling sensation was comforting. The whole effect left him feeling free in a way he couldn’t really explain. He and the woman he loved were on the threshold of great adventures and John was feeling as good as anyone could under the circumstances. In any case, he was excited about having his wife and small children all to himself for a prolonged period. He knew that although all seemed right on the surface, there were deeper issues, related to trust and their belief in his commitment to all of them. Therefore, John thought that the time away from Salem would help heal the heart wounds that were caused by the rift between he and his wife, and the painful separation that resulted.
It was almost time to leave… The engines were all functioning properly, the instruments were calibrated, and their course through the inland waterways on out toward the ocean, charted and filed with the Coast Guard and other Maritime authorities. When it came to safety, John was taking no chances. He planned to make sure their itinerary was widely disseminated and well documented, in case something went wrong along the way. Looking up from his last minute preparations, his eyes fell upon the woman with the golden hair that glistened in the sun. At first he only smiled, but when he looked closer, he noticed that his wife had an odd expression on her face, one that made it appear as though she wasn’t quite sure about making the trip. As much as he wanted to go and somehow symbolically leave all the pain behind, he knew she might have a few reservations. John approached her from the back, giving her a moment to adjust to his presence before he slipped his arms around her admirably slender waist. “Hello pretty lady… a penny for your thoughts…” he said invitingly as he rested his head on her right shoulder.
Leaning back in the comfort of his embrace, she sighed, thankful for his sensitivity, and then debated what to tell him. “Mmm… just thinking about how much I’m going to miss everyone…that’s all. But, I’m really looking forward to having some time alone with you and the children.” Her tone went from disheartened to cheery in one sentence, and she turned to face him, not wanting him to think she didn’t appreciate his extensive efforts to please her.
Sensing there was more to it, John held her at arm’s length and looked straight into her eyes, searching them for the truth. Then, he asked for more, “Doc… if you’re having reservations about this trip, I want you to tell me… I did this for you, but if it’s not what you want right now, for any reason… we can wait, or.. we don’t have to do it at all.”
He touched her so… Her hands on his broad chest, which was so nicely exposed in a button down shirt with none of the buttons fastened, she hesitated to tell him how she really felt, “Oh honey… I don’t want to disappoint you… you went to a lot of trouble to make this happen… restructuring your businesses… rearranging our entire schedules.. buying this boat..” she said, waving her hand around them to indicate all that he had done to plan a wonderful time for her and their children.
Shaking his head to ward off her apology, he said forgivingly, “Hey… it’s alright, really… Besides… we could just… live on the boat for awhile… and… try out all the staterooms…” he added with a lusty wink and an enticing smile as he pulled her near for a neck nuzzle and a nibble on the ears.
She laughed at that… imagining all the interesting ways in which they might… *try* it out. “That definitely sounds intriguing, my love…”
After a soft kiss that promised more later in the day, he drew back and asked again for what was on her mind, teasing her a little in the process, “So tell me… what’s bothering you so much… you can tell me… we’re married, remember?”
Marlena smiled, glad for his ability to change directions so quickly and yet not miss a trick. Sighing with the contentment of being known so well, she answered honestly, ” Oh.. of course, how could I forget?” she teased in return. “Alright… the truth is…I’m worried about leaving right now… because of what Carrie told me the other day…”
“Carrie? What’s going on with her?… I thought that….” Suddenly it hit him, he’d seen the torn expression on Carrie’s face that day at the hospital… and more importantly… he’d seen the way Mike stared at her sometimes. It was a look John knew well, for he’d worn it a time or two when he loved and desperately wanted Marlena but knew he couldn’t have her in his life the way he would have liked. Mike sometimes looked at Carrie that way when he thought no one was watching. “This is about Mike, isn’t it?” John surmised.
Marlena sighed wearily and dropped her head slightly, remembering what it was like for her when she was the one torn between two men, “Yes, John…. She admitted to me that.. she’s in love with him. It’s been going on since just before the wedding. She said that while they were apart and Austin was with Sami… she was so frustrated and lonely and she started spending a lot of time with Mike. He was caring and sensitive and he listened to her… when she desperately needed someone. She said she thought it was only friendship and when Austin was suddenly free, she still loved and wanted to marry him, even though she had her doubts about his commitment to her. Carrie realizes now that she should have waited, that she should taken time to talk things out with Austin and to make sense out of her feelings for Mike… but she wanted to prove to Sami that she couldn’t ruin their relationship. She wanted to win for once.” When Marlena finished explaining what was happening, she was clearly quite discouraged and John’s heart went out to her, knowing that it had to remind her of her own life experience.
Drawing her closer with his left hand, John touched her cheek with his right and empathized, “Oh, Doc… I’m sorry… I guess I figured something was going on when I saw Carrie the other day at the hospital. I tried to get her to talk to me about it, but she said I had enough to worry about and that she could handle it. Marlena… if you want to stay in Salem so you can be there for her… I’ll understand. I still love Carrie as if she were my own flesh and blood and I hate to see her go through this alone.”
Her sigh of relief was immediate and her eyes were moist in response to his sensitivity, “Oh.. John.. you’re so wonderful to me… I would dearly love to go on this trip with you, but Carrie really needs me right now… I’d feel like I was abandoning her if I left town… thank you so much for understanding,” she said, reaching out for his face with both hands.
With a casual shrug he smiled and said, “Hey… what are husbands for? We’ll go another time… when things are resolved for Carrie and Austin, when you’re…well.”
“Yes, we will,” Marlena agreed readily, fully believing they would eventually go on such a trip.
As he glanced several yards away toward the children, who seemed to be having a great time, he asked the question that next occurred to him, “Doc…there’s just one problem…. The kids are really excited about this.. how do we tell them we’re not going?”
“We’ll just be honest with them… they’ll understand, John… children are very flexible. “
“Yea… you’re right… I guess it’s me who is really excited about it. I was looking forward to having you all to myself for awhile…I’ve been so.. worried about you and.. things have been so… tense and.. uncertain for us..”
It was strange how rapidly the fears seemed to take hold and she spoke to his underlying meaning, touching him on the cheek so she could look into those worried blue eyes. “Honey… I’m going to win this fight… I want… no I *need* you to believe that… John, this is the time for us to stay strong… together… “
“I know… I’m sorry… you’re right… Okay then, we’ll wait until we’re sure that Carrie’s going to be okay..”
“It’s settled… let’s go tell the children… “
“Okay… and then.. what do you say… maybe we take her out for a little spin… what about a short trip… a couple of days? We could invite Carrie… give her some time to get away from things a little bit… so she can think about what’s right… and she can talk to us if she wants to..”
“I would love it, my dear…. I think that would be just.. perfect.”
The sparkle in her hazel eyes and the smile on her face made any pain he ever suffered worth the price… Marlena Evans was the most stunningly, breathtakingly beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on and John Black felt truly blessed to have had the chance to love her. To *be* loved by her filled his heart with a joy indescribable, and he vowed never to let her down again, not in even the slightest of ways.
“Hey.. kids… come here… your Mom and I have to talk to you…” he called out rather pleasantly. John had resolved the whole issue in his mind and felt fine about it. They could go for weekend cruises when Marlena was up to it… maybe that would be better anyway. He had to admit when he really thought about it, that a long trip away from home with a pregnant woman who also had a serious illness lurking in the background was not such a great idea.
“What is it, Daddy?” “Aren’t we going yet?” they asked in rapid succession, sounding somewhat impatient to get moving.
Bending down to make eye contact, John answered with an adjusted version of the truth, “Well, there’s been a slight change in plans kids… When I said we were going to sail around the world… Daddy was being a little… over enthusiastic… Since Mommy has a baby in her tummy, it’s really not such a good idea for us to go so far away from Salem, so we’re going to take some trips close to home….on the weekends. How’s that sound?”
“Oh boy! You mean… we don’t have to leave our friends for all summer?” asked Brady eagerly, thinking of the things they were supposed to be doing at day camp this year. “Thanks! That means I *can* play baseball this year! Alright, Dad!” he said putting his hand up for a high five. Surprised by the reaction, John did as his young son indicated at the same time he flashed a bewildered if satisfied smile at Marlena, who smiled and winked in return, as if to say, “See…they’re not phased a bit.”
“Yea… and we still get to go see Grandma and Grandpa… and Aunt Carrie… and I get to play with Abby…and help Aunt Sami with cousin Will. I’m glad we’re not going away for so long!” added Belle with great enthusiasm.
As their children rushed off to make sure all their things were still packed, John smiled and then turned to his wife to say, “Yep… kids sure are flexible alright… “
“Much more than we are, John…” she said with a quick nod of the head, also smiling as she watched the children scamper off. After a pause, she shared what was in her heart for him, “Honey… I want to thank you… for all you’ve done to work this out with me… to please me and make me feel loved. I want you to know how much I appreciate your efforts. I love you very much and I know that what happened was because of your love for me… so let’s say we just put these past several weeks behind us and only look forward, from now on.”
Gently placing his arms over her shoulders and leaning in preparing to kiss her, John nodded slightly and concurred wholeheartedly, “You’ve got it, Doc… it’s nothing but a distant memory…. We’re back together and that’s the way it’s going to stay.”
In the next instant, his tongue slipped inside her mouth and began to caress hers in a way that was so magical she lost all sense of reality other than her internal sensations. Marlena felt the desire rising, as her breathing quickened and the familiar warmth of her need for him made itself evident. His hands began to roam up and down her back, lingering on her shapely bottom… she shivered and moaned under his touch, “Oh… John…I need you so…” and he smiled with delight… “I can’t wait until tonight, Marlena.. I want to love you like never before lady… ” he whispered in return, his voice filled with heated breathless passion as he gazed into liquid gold.
They said no more but their eyes told the story. The flame was everlasting and tonight… when the kids were asleep and the night was quiet… when the stars were out… they would share that burning desire that never faded in all the years they’d known each other, whether together or apart. They would love and touch and kiss those private pleasure zones, expressing their affection in total intimacy. In this special moment on the deck of their brand new boat, they knew that wherever they went, they were home, as long as they were together and loving this way.
Seeing The Future Through The Past
The sun was sinking low over the horizon, painting the sky in a calming array of pastel hues she loved so much. Marlena was standing on the deck of their brand new boat looking out at the river, breathing deeply and allowing the gentle evening breezes to fill her soul with peace and serenity. She and John were back together and despite the occasional undercurrent of tension between them, she believed they were going to bridge the chasm forever. John had fully accepted her decision and was supporting her wholeheartedly, even if it caused him pain. That was true love in action and she was thankful for what she had, for John and the children, for the unborn child in her womb, and for the Brady’s the Horton’s, the Carver’s, and everyone else who loved them and supported them. Ultimately, she had concluded that life was good and she planned to make the most of every moment, for as long as it lasted. Marlena decided that if she had to die, at least she would leave the earth knowing she had brought yet another life into the world. In addition, she was quite confident in entrusting the care of those she loved most dearly to her closest friends and family members.
John was down in the stateroom, making an important telephone call. He smiled as he pictured the faces of the people they both loved so dearly when he told them the news… “Hello Brady Pub.. Caroline speaking, may I help you?” answered the cheerful voice of the woman he loved as a mother figure, though he had sometimes pretended not to need one any longer. They both knew the truth. The crisis with Marlena’s health had proven beyond all doubt that John Black needed his mother’s sage advice, not to mention the wisdom of her years, and the steadfastness of her faith to help him during troubled times. John was more than thankful she was there for him, and he sometimes wondered how he would have survived without her supportive presence in his life.
“Hi, Mom… how are you doing?” he said, making her ask him what was up.
“John… what a surprise.. I thought that you and Marlena… that you were… Oh, no.. something’s happened to Marlena.. she’s sicker? What’s wrong, John…”
“Woah…. Hey.. slow down, that’s not why I called… really, she’s okay. Caroline, the reason I called is that we decided to stay closer to home, you know..take some weekend trips…”
She finished the sentence in her mind, ‘just in case something happens with her health or the baby.’ There was no need to verbalize it so she said, “I can understand that… and I would be willing to bet Marlena wants to be here for Carrie,” she added insightfully.
“How’d you know about that, Mom?” John asked curiously, never ceasing to be amazed by the innate intuition motherly types like Caroline demonstrated when it came to their offspring and their troubles.
“I just do….I know she’s been struggling with her feelings for Mike and that it started last year when Sami and Austin were so close… I feel horrible about what’s happening and I’m glad Marlena is going to be available. I think she can reach Carrie in a way no one else can.”
There was an awkward silence on the line, both of them thinking back to the time when John was the interloper in the marriage of this woman’s son. Finally, it was John who had the courage to say the words on both their minds. “Because of the affair.”
No sense in denying what was now ancient history… she still felt bad for her son, who had since perished in some godforsaken jungle prison camp..
“Yes.. because of the affair. Marlena knows what Carrie is going through right now and if anyone can help her save her marriage, it’s Marlena.”
Ignoring the implication, knowing Caroline’s thoughts on the sanctity of marriage, John agreed and tried to move on, “Yea… that’s what we figured… Well, anyway, is Carrie still there?” he asked, feeling uncomfortable discussing anything related to the affair with Roman’s parents. The guilt lingered long afterward and a trace still existed, felt mainly when he spoke with Shawn or Caroline Brady on related matters. The fact that Roman was killed while on an assignment he only took to deal with the pain of losing Marlena, still ate at John’s heart, the remorse flaring periodically.
Understanding John’s discomfort, Caroline said, “Yes… she is as a matter of fact… She’s talking with Austin, I’ll get her for you.”
“Thank you, Caroline… we want to invite her to take a weekend cruise with us… you know give her some time to get away and have some peace and quiet where she’ll have a chance to think. We hope she and Marlena will find some time to talk.”
Caroline was still unsure what role her adoptive son wanted in the Brady family constellation, but what was happening with Carrie was important enough to risk ruffling a few feathers… so she just said what was on her mind, “John… she could benefit from your experience as well. I know that you didn’t want to hurt anyone. Neither does Carrie, or Mike for that matter. I also know that you’ve been… less involved with the children since Roman left, for reasons we all understand, but I think they still need you, John…regardless of what they say to you. Carrie is trying not to burden you and Marlena right now, but she’s so confused, John, and she can use all the support and guidance you can give her.”
He was nodding his head… she couldn’t see it but she could almost hear it as he prepared to reply, “You’re right.. about all of it… Caroline, I backed off when the affair was revealed… Sami and Eric have been, civil at best… and downright hostile most of the time.. but Carrie, she’s different, we’ve always been close.. but lately… I don’t know.. I guess we just…got busy, but I love them all, Mom… I really do and I want a relationship with them, if they’ll let me in… I’ll talk to Carrie, and Mike too, if she thinks it’ll help.”
That was what Caroline Brady had hoped for, and she smiled as she responded pleasantly, “Good… thank you, son… this family really needs you.. I hope you know that. You’re a Brady in every way that matters, John… No matter what happens… please don’t ever forget that. You’ll always have our love and support… you and Marlena.”
She was planting seeds again, telling him that if the unthinkable happened and Marlena died, that the Brady’s would be there for him.. that they would miss him if he did anything drastic. John wondered in such moments if Abe had spilled the beans about what he said while in great distress that first night when he learned of Marlena’s cancer diagnosis. He hadn’t said anything like that since… but still, it was bad enough. John realized later that he had essentially stated his intention to kill himself if the cancer took her from him. Pretty scary stuff if he were able to view it objectively. It was, however, said in the heat of the moment… who was to know what he might do if it actually happened? How could anyone know until they were living in the situation?
Realizing that he was supposed to respond, John finally said simply, “Thank you, Mom… that means a lot to me… to us…please.. put Carrie on the line, would you?”
“Certainly… we’ll see you soon then,” she said, cognizant of the fact that he was not responding to the feeling level of her comment. That was okay with her… she was only reminding him of all the other people besides Marlena who loved him and needed him to be a part of their lives.
“Yep… a couple of days tops… We’re going to go explore a couple of those little islands up and down the river.. We’ll keep you posted.”
“Alright then… I’ll put Carrie on…” she finished and then left him to wait.
John sighed with mixed emotions… it was all so strange, all this attention to his needs, the concern about his reaction to Marlena’s illness and the couple’s predicament. It felt uncomfortable in so many ways to be so closely observed for signs of strain and yet… it was nice to know that he was cared for too. In the midst of the worst trial he’d ever faced, John felt loved in a way he never had before. As frightened as he was about Marlena’s condition and what lay ahead for them down the road, he felt safe and protected. It was almost as if he were wrapped in a security blanket of family and friends he had known cared for him, but who were making it very clear that he was needed and that he would be missed if he were to make any rash decisions with his life.
At last, Carrie was speaking to him, “John… hi, Grandma said you wanted to speak with me… what’s going on? I thought you and Marlena were going sailing around the world,” she said, confused by the change in plans.
He chuckled at the thought.. “Well, you see… I was a little.. over eager when I came up with that bright idea so, your… mother and me… we decided that maybe it would be best if we just… took some shorter trips, you know… a week or two here and there… long weekends and things..”
“Because of the baby?”
“Well, yea.. that too…” he said, almost wincing at just the possibility of the other subject coming up.
Suddenly, it occurred to Carrie that he might be referring to her situation and she didn’t want them changing their plans because of her. “John… you’re not staying because of me, are you.. because if you are… I don’t want you to do that. You and Marlena… deserve to have this time together… You don’t need to worry about me.. I’ll be just fine.”
Understanding her reaction, John sought to reassure her that it was more than that, “Carrie… hold on… it’s not what you think. We’re staying for a lot of reasons actually, and yes our concern for you happens to be one of them. We love you, Carrie and we know you’re having a really tough time of it right now.. We want to be there for you. Is that so terrible… I mean we were your parents for a lot of years…you can’t blame us for caring about what happens to you, can you?” he finished with a question, his tenderness hard to resist.
Her sigh was audible… she too felt loved and cared for in a special way. “No.. I can’t blame you for that… those were some pretty good years, John. You’re a wonderful father, I want you to know that and believe it with all your heart.”
It meant a lot coming from her… “Thank you, Carrie… now, the reason I called is that Marlena and I were wondering if you might like to take a long weekend cruise with us. We have so much space, we’re going to get lost on board the boat. It’s going to be fun.. sunny days, cool nights… what do you say?”
“Just me, you’re inviting just me?” she asked, both surprised and pleased at the implication. “Why?”
“Well, because we’ve missed you and because…we need a reliable babysitter while we’re dancing on the deck under the moonlight.”
As intended, that comment made her laugh heartily. “Oh, John.. you’re such a teaser… tell me the real reason you invited only me.”
Alright.. you got me… it’s because we were thinking you could really use sometime away about now… to clear your head and sort things through… What better place than a big boat on the river, with so many staterooms that we couldn’t even see them all during the weekend? You’ll have your privacy here, Carrie… but we’ll be around if you feel like talking.”
She was touched… they truly loved her as if she were their own child. With tears in her eyes, she said, “Oh… Daddy… you’re so considerate… with everything you and Marlena have going on in your lives, you’re thinking about me. You can’t know how much that means to me. Thank you.. and yes, I’d love to go.. when do we leave?” she finished, feeling more hopeful about her situation in just knowing there were people who supported her so strongly.
He grinned and responded excitedly, “Right away…. soon as you can get yourself packed and ready to go.”
“Okay.. let me just talk to Austin and make a few quick adjustments with my schedule. Then, I’ll start packing. The more I think of it, the more I’m getting excited about it.”
“Good…cause here on the Pretty Lady, we aim to please. The kids are going to be thrilled.. Punkin… and so is their Daddy. I’ve really missed spending time with you, Carrie.”
“Me too, John… it’s so easy to let time pass without seeing the people you care about. I’ve been busy with… the new job, and you’ve had your hands full.. We just.. didn’t connect for awhile, it’s nobody’s fault.
“No excuses… I should have made time for you… I’ve been busy, and pretty involved with Marlena and the kids since the wedding but I could have made time. From now on, I will, Carrie… it’s important, you’re important.”
“Yes, you’re right… family should always be a priority, and you and Marlena are every bit as much my family as Sami and Eric and Grandma and Grandpa… I love you both so much.”
“And we love you, Carrie… I’m really looking forward to having you with us…so is Marlena.. Maybe I’ll even try to flip some pancakes for you….”
After a hearty chuckle as she thought about the old days, she tried to explain what she was thinking, “Boy, do I remember that… gosh it seems… it seems like yesterday,” she mused. “I’d really like that… Daddy.”
Hearing her say that word made his heart melt; it felt wonderful. “Good… so hurry up and get packed would you,” he jokingly demanded of her. “I would if a certain someone would let me get off the phone,” Carrie said to tease him in return, before uttering a quick goodbye. Then she quickly made the necessary changes and was on her way to the boat in less than an hour. Suddenly, life looked a whole lot brighter for her.
Somehow, she would confront the truth of her feelings for the two men in her life and then she would make a decision, one that would be binding and unwavering. She vowed to learn from John and Marlena’s very painful past history. They had suffered under a heavy burden of guilt for a very long time and paid dearly for their one big mistake in life. It had cost them years when they could have been together, save for the remorse they experienced for having hurt so many people with their love relationship. Carrie swore that she would not allow that to happen to her. This time it would be different. Maybe in that way, John and Marlena could truly move on from any lingering regret they harbored. If she learned from their mistake, they could at least find some meaning in the pain they experienced all those years ago and reach final resolution by seeing Carrie take a different path under similar circumstances.
Seeing the Future Through the Past
It was just after sunset and the boat was anchored down for the night, off the coast of one of the larger islands on the Salem River. As the waves lapped gently along the shoreline, the quiet light of the approaching moon cast soft shadowy highlights upon the water, and there was a feeling of peace that pervaded the “Pretty Lady.”
For reasons she didn’t quite understand, Carrie-Brady-Reed was compelled to take a peek in at the two young children whom she considered to be her siblings, though there was no blood relationship between them. Carrie sat outside the room listening as Daddy read stories. One of them she recalled from her own childhood, with a little embellishment. She sighed as she heard the comforting voice of the man she still loved as a father, “Once there was a large and growly bear. One spring morning, he woke up with nothing to do. Gee, I wonder what he’s going to do,” said John with a hint of a big bear growl, prompting the kids to chime in.
“I know… he’s going to find someone to frighten,” said Brady quickly.
His father was nodding and said proudly, “Right… because that is just what a large and growly bear needs to do. So, the large and growly bear went growling and prowling and scowling, looking for someone to frighten. And what did he see?” John asked, looking straight at Belle, as he nudged her.
The little blond pixie simply beamed as it occurred to her that she knew what he was asking of her. “He saw the bluebirds, but they were too busy.. cause it was Spwing.”
“Now how did you know that?” asked her father, loving the look of contentment on his little girl’s face. “Cause, you’ve read this story lots of times before, silwy!” Belle exclaimed excitedly, giving her dad a quick kiss on the cheek to which he responded with a soft sigh.
Yet another reminded Carrie of days gone by……”In the great green room, there was a telephone and a red balloon and a picture of…. What was it Brady?”
“The cow jumping over the moon!” exclaimed an excited little boy. It wasn’t the story itself, it was being together with Daddy… this was a game they’d played a hundred times… the kids enjoying the fact of knowing every line in the book by heart.
“And there were three little bears sitting on chairs.”
It brought a feeling of continuity and comfort to Carrie’s troubled mind to hear the children and their father laughing and giggling together the way they were. It made her realize that what she wanted was to have a family like that where the love was deep and abiding, where there was nothing hidden, nothing held back in fear of being hurt or upsetting the other. It was a matter of trust.
She and Austin had it at one time, that unquestioning belief in each other and their commitment to sharing a long and happy life together, but over time it had begun to erode and their love to fade. Sami had played a huge role by chipping away at it, manipulating Austin’s affections the way she had, but they also had to take a share of the responsibility for what was happening between them. If their love was as strong as they liked to say it was, they should have been able to confront the problems and work through them together. Instead, Austin was with Sami living a lie and Carrie was alone and had turned to someone else for comfort when their plans to marry had been derailed by Sami’s accident and subsequent memory loss.
Carrie was thinking back on it all…. how things had started to go wrong… when Sami was pretending to be a sweet innocent, after her car accident… she had regained her memory but was acting as if she hadn’t and everyone was fooled. Austin had spent so much time with her and almost married her. He would have if it hadn’t been for Eric and Carrie exposing her lies and schemes. While all of that was going on… she needed someone and her old friend, a sweetheart by the name of Michael Horton was there for her. He listened and he took her out to have some fun which she so desperately needed at the time. She hadn’t fully realized it at the time, but she was falling in love with Mike…. and then all of a sudden, she and Austin were married… never having talked about what had come to pass and however well intended.. the fact was that Austin had almost married the girl who spent years trying to tear them apart.
‘So, Carrie girl… now that you’ve got it all figured out… what are you going to do? Are you going to talk to Austin and try to work it out, or are you going to break it off and start a new relationship with Mike? You have to choose between them.. you can’t allow your confusion to ruin two men’s lives… What happened to John and Marlena should have taught you something… so, what’s the lesson here?’ Carrie stepped away from the family scene and gazed across the waters of the Salem River, willing the calm serenity of a warm Summer’s evening to enter her soul and help her make the right decision for all concerned, even her deceptive sister Sami.
After four stories, several of them being repeated more than a few times, John found that he was beginning to tire, his voice worn out from reading. “Daddy… come on… read to us some more… please,” Belle pleaded, batting her little sweet little eyelashes with amazing aplomb for a girl her age.
“Yea… come on, Daddy….just one more story… pwease, Daddy!” Brady added sweetly, hoping for a yes, even as he knew his father was tiring.
Stifling a yawn, John was about to answer when a lovely golden haired maiden came to the rescue, “Maybe Mommy could help out around here… ” she said, happy to have the chance to see them have fun together. She’d purposely stayed busy for awhile so that John and the children could renew their bond.
“Yeah!! ” shouted two over eager voices. The third one whispered a sincere and grateful reply, as his arms reached out to pull her down onto the big bed where they were all reclining, “Thank you so much, Doc. You’ve saved me…”
She smiled and leaned in close for a peck on the cheek, her eyes telling him there was a lot more where that came from a little later in the evening. “You’re quite welcome, my love….I was thinking it might be my turn about now. So, what story do you want to hear this time?” Marlena asked cheerfully, sitting down in between John and the children.
They looked at each other and then at their father again. “Well, Daddy said we read it enough times already but I like it. It’s the Star Wars one Mommy.”
“No… I want… The Bery Hungery Caterpiwar!” Belle cried, partly just to be the one who got to pick. “Please read it, Mommy… plwease!”
“How bout both of them?” asked Brady, thinking he could tolerate one if he got the other?
John only nodded…”Fine by me, Doc… if you want to do it… I’m okay with it… I just got tired,” he said, yawning again.
“Honey… why don’t you go to our stateroom and get… comfortable.. I’ll finish putting the kids to bed and then I’ll join you….” She said, running her hand over his backside very discreetly.
“Mmmm… I think I could manage to make it that far, yea… And, believe me… I *will* be waiting up for you,” he said, responding mightily to her hints, pressing his body up against hers…for a brief moment.
“I like that in a man… she said, lightly brushing the zipper area of his pants as they parted. That was all it took. He groaned and crawled off the kids bed, struggling to stand up straight… “Oh… you really know how to make a guy crazy…I’ll see you soon…wife..” he finished with a sly grin and eyes that said, ‘I want you… madly.’
It still made her smile to hear it in his voice and to see and feel his response to her… they were, after all, despite all the recent tension, still newlyweds, “Yes, love… very soon.” Their eyes locked in a lover’s glare, they forgot for a moment where they were, that is until their attention was directed elsewhere by the insistent tugging of little hands on shirt sleeves and a shrill voice, calling out, “Mommy!”
“Mommy! You said you were going to read us another stowy!” pleaded a yawning Belle.
John laughed and said no more, exiting with a quiet sigh and sweet smile of satisfaction on his face. They were on their way back… and tonight would make all the pain worth it, to be back in her arms again… was all he ever wanted. His mind was on romance, but in the moment he stepped out onto the deck, his eyes landed on the relatively still form and slumped shoulders of his erstwhile daughter, Carrie Reed.
Realizing she needed him, he put his plans aside for a short time and slowly approached, making just enough noise so that she’d hear him coming up behind her. When he was standing just a few feet away, he uttered a greeting, “Hey, Pumpkin…. How are you doing? Getting some good thinking time in tonight?”
She smiled as she turned toward him, taking advantage of his outstretched arms, melting into his warm embrace. “I’m fine… and to answer your question.. yes, I am. It’s so peaceful out here on the water… I didn’t know how much I needed this… It clears my head to be standing out here in the evening breeze.”
John nodded, having always felt the same way about it. “Yea… I’ve always loved being near the water when I needed to work things through…” He too leaned against the railing and then let there be silence. After several long minutes of quiet contemplation, John reached out for Carrie’s hand and spoke with tenderness, “Talk to me, Pumpkin… tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. You know… Doc has taught me a thing or two about listening…. and when I try real hard… I’m not so bad at it,” he finished with a hint of a teasing smile.
That elicited a light laugh and he started in again, “So, what did you come up with, Carrie…” John said, turning toward her, “if you don’t mind me asking…”
She sighed in response. It was such a difficult dilemma for her. “Well, so far…I’m beginning to make some sense out of how things got to be the way they are… how my feelings for Mike became more than friendship… and how Austin and I have grown apart lately. Earlier in the year, when Sami was faking her amnesia… Austin chose her needs over mine.. repeatedly and I turned to Mike for companionship and friendship. And then all of a sudden, everything changed and I was married to Austin.”
John again nodded with understanding, remembering his own painful situation. “But you never had a chance to resolve your feelings for Mike… Boy, do I know that name of that tune…” John said with a drawn out sigh, recalling the time when his identity as Roman Brady and all that went with it was ripped violently from his grasp. That event changed his life forever, leaving him with a slew of unresolved relational issues, namely his love for Marlena and the children.
Carrie nodded, remembering too… Touching him on the arm to ensure he was back with her in the present, she spoke of her understanding, “I know you do, John… and I really don’t want to put Mike and Austin, not to mention me.. through all of that at this point. So, I have a question for you… if you and Marlena had an opportunity to resolve your feelings for each other when Roman came back… do you think you could have walked away and started the new lives that were set before you. Could you have moved on with Isabella and let Marlena go?” She stopped when she saw the look on his face… it was akin to pain, old pain that had gone mostly unspoken through the years. Almost in apology, she said more softly, “John… I wouldn’t ask you to think about all of this now, except that it’s just so important. I don’t want to make the same…” Carrie hesitated briefly, then added the word he and Marlena had used before to describe what happened between them at the time, “..mistakes.”
John was pensive, lost in thought…gazing out over the railing at the moonlit surface of the water, sparkling like diamonds. At last, he turned toward her to reply, “Well, Carrie… to be honest, I don’t know for sure. I think that if we at least had the chance to talk about it, we would have been better off. The way it ended… we said our goodbyes in Mexico and that was it. Everybody just expected us to go back to Salem and forget what we shared, what we meant to each other because I wasn’t Roman Brady. I had to let you all go and find my own life. It was.. hell, Carrie.. and when Izzy B died… I needed Marlena so badly… I couldn’t stay away then… I was so…lost and lonely, and she found me…and brought me back. I’m sorry your father was hurt by that, but I’ll never be sorry for the love we shared then, or now.”
“I know… I really wanted to reach out to you too… you know that… but I was just so.. hurt, so scared and angry about what had happened that I couldn’t be there for you… not the way you needed me to be. But, I am sorry… I know it was so hard for you then…”
“Yea… but, we’re not here to talk about me…” he said to discount it. “Life is… good. Marlena and I are together, and more in love than ever. So… what do you need to do to resolve your feelings for the two men in your life? How are you going to choose, Carrie?”
“John… I chose Austin. We’re married and I intend to honor my vows,” she said, more defensively than she had intended.
This part would be hard… confronting her… “That’s not what I asked you, Carrie… Listen to me…. You know that I’m speaking from experience when I say that you can’t run from this or hide behind your wedding vows.. Marlena and I tried going down that path… and it failed miserably, as you so aptly pointed out earlier. If you have doubts about your relationship with Austin and strong feelings for Mike.. they won’t just go away on their own, Carrie. You have to do something about them… open up to Austin about the issues you have with his actions in relation to Sami… make it clear to him what you want from him, what you need from him and let him do the same. And then… talk to Mike…”
She was shaking her head, feeling confused and scared of all that… yet part of her knowing he was right….”No..Oh, I don’t know, John…”
“Carrie…. I think you know… you have to make a choice… one or the other…. just like Marlena did… You can’t have it both ways… It’s either Austin or Mike… If you choose to stay committed in your marriage to Austin, you have to let Mike go… you have to break it off completely, Carrie.”
“But, he’s my best friend, John….and I… care about him… very much… how can I just.. turn my back and walk away from him?”
It was almost like going back in time… the memories were so fresh somehow. John was nodding in remembrance, thinking about when he and Marlena were the ones asking those same questions as he answered, “Because somewhere along the way… you and Mike crossed a line, Carrie… and you became more than friends. Once you cross over that line, even a little… it’s very difficult, if not impossible to go back. Marlena and I gave it a shot… and a few months after the affair ended, we thought we’d made it… It’s ironic really…. it was right around the time the truth came out.. but the love was still there… deep inside of us.” Finishing with a weary sigh, and a wry smile, he added, “It was just buried under a huge pile of guilt for hurting so many other people.”
“But you finally realized that you truly belong together… How do I know that’s not true of me and Mike?”
“That’s what I’m saying, Carrie… you have to search yourself and then choose and stick with it. If you waver, you’ll be lost in the ‘what ifs..’ “
“I’m not sure what you mean, John…” she said, somewhat puzzled by his comments.
He was quiet for a moment or two, as if he were contemplating exactly how open he should be. After blowing out a long breath, John bared his soul in hopes it would help her avoid the same fate, “Carrie… I haven’t said it in quite this way to anyone, not even Marlena… but I’m going to tell you. I think… that what happened with Kristen was as much my fault as hers. It was my love for Marlena that threatened my relationship with Kristen… it was what started her off on the path of lies and deception. If I had taken the risk of being completely honest with both of them after we came back from Aremid, I might have saved us all a lot of pain. What I’m saying here is… have the courage to do what I didn’t, what Marlena couldn’t do all those years ago. Be true to yourself, Carrie… search your heart and be honest about who you truly love and then tell them both. Believe me… I made the mistake of trying to deny and hide my real feelings, however valid my reasons might have been at the time… and we all saw the end results of that decision. Kristen is in jail, Marlena was deeply hurt..…and we were apart for a very long time when we could have been together and happy.”
Carrie was nodding her head, seriously considering what he was saying. “Oh, John…. it must hurt to admit that to yourself… but I guess I understand. I don’t want either of them to suffer like that, because of me… and I’ll do what you said… I really will. Thank you for being so honest about what you’ve been through; it helped a lot.” Talking with John was the best thing that could have happened that night; it made her think about her situation differently. It forced her to realize how much both Austin and Mike might be hurt if she stayed where she was, caught between two loves. John was right, she had to examine her heart, and move forward with her life, one way or the other. Living in limbo was only hurting all three of them.
She sighed heavily… and then agreed, “I know… I know.. you’re right…I have been hiding… trying to push those feelings down, using my vows as my cover…and it’s not working.”
He didn’t say any more but his eyes were asking her what else…as if he’d said the words, ‘Well, what are you going to do about it?’
“So, I guess I better do some more thinking… talk to Austin.. and take it from there. In the mean time, I’ll speak to Mike and stay away from him for awhile… so I can begin to determine my true feelings and make the best decision I can…”
“That’s my girl…” John said with a smile, placing his right arm over her shoulders.. “Carrie, it won’t be easy.. but believe me… what Doc and I and your Dad went through… it was…horrible. I’d do just about anything to spare you that kind of pain..”
She was shaking her head, marveling at his ability to focus on so many different issues at once. “I know you would. You know… you and Marlena are the most amazing people in the world. Here you are facing the worst crisis of your lives and you’re taking all this time to try to help me with my… little problems…”
He frowned at her… giving her the message that they would never be too busy to be there for the family. “Now, stop right there, young lady,” John said wagging a finger at her. “Nothing is more important to Marlena and me than you and the other kids. We love all of you so much and we will always do everything we can to help you when you need us.”
She sighed and let him wrap his strong protective arms around her as he so freely offerred, not realizing how much she’d missed his hugs. “Ah… now that feels like home to me…. I love you, Daddy,” she said with a tear or two falling from her eyes.
“And I love you… pumpkin,” he said, squeezing her a little tighter for a moment.
Just as Carrie was preparing to say something further, Marlena stepped out onto the deck. Within a handful of seconds, the couple was making eyes at each other and without their ever uttering a sound, Carrie picked up on what went unspoken. With a knowing smile, feeling slightly embarrassed, she said, “Well, John… thank you for listening.. but I can see that you two have some pressing… plans for tonight… so I’ll uh… I’ll see you in the morning… “
Wrenching his eyes off his beautiful wife for a few seconds, John said enthusiastically, “You’re welcome and yes… we’re uh… we’re going to have a huge breakfast… okay?”
Having recovered her composure, Carrie said to tease them, “See you then… and you two… do have some fun tonight, won’t you?” she said, as she began to step away toward her stateroom. Marlena was practically blushing and John was hiding his eyes. It was almost like being a couple of lovesick kids who were just caught kissing in the coat room. Thinking better of it, they said nothing to indicate what they planned on doing… and that made the retreating figure toss her youthful laughter over the shoulder as she proceeded to her cabin. They smiled and John winked as he reached out to take the hand of his intended lover, bringing it to his mouth for a soft kiss before gently guiding her along the deck toward their stateroom. Soon, they would be reunited in every way, back on track and ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead for them.
As they walked in relative solitude enjoying the late evening breezes, John and Marlena reviewed their own history in their minds. It was their fervent wish that Carrie could benefit from their experience. Sometimes, the best way to see the future was to take a trip through the past, to glean morsels of wisdom from whence someone else had already come.
Lost In You
Looking down at her sweet babies, Marlena Evans sighed with a feeling of peace and contentment. They were so beautiful, so much like little angels and she wanted to savor every moment she had with them, since she didn’t know what the future held in store. ‘Life certainly doesn’t always go the way you want it to go…especially for John and I.. Oh, stop it Marlena… you can’t do this… not now,’ she told herself, realizing that if she dwelled on it for long she would find herself despairing and she couldn’t allow that, not tonight. Finally, the children were asleep and she could be with her husband. She could let him know how very much he meant to her, how much he had pleased her with his efforts. At last, they could make love again without reservation, without tension in the relationship, and she couldn’t wait.
As she finally reached the stateroom, she stopped, thinking she heard some noise coming from inside the sleeping quarters… What was it… It sounded like…. Marlena went to the door and poked her head around the corner to listen… She was right.. John was upset…. But why?” Believing he would try to cover if she just made an entrance, she paused and lingered near the door, listening for any detail that might tell the story. Straining her neck to see him without being seen, she observed that he was down on his knees at the foot of the bed, praying. What he didn’t say out loud, he said to her in his mind, as tears fought to escape their confines. “Oh, Doc… how am I gonna do this?… pretend that it’s not… killing me… that I don’t spend almost every waking moment… worrying about what’s happening inside your body… wondering how the cancer is progressing.” She was about to enter when she heard his anxious prayer, “Oh, God.. you’ve got to help me out here.. cause I don’t think I can do this on my own… But I know… I can’t push her anymore… I can’t ask her to.. end our baby’s life to save hers… “
Tears filled her eyes and struggled for release as she experienced the anguish her husband was feeling. She couldn’t leave him to face it alone… She stepped inside and spoke softly, “Oh, John.. I’m sorry you have to go through this… and I love you all the more… for having the courage to stand at my side… feeling the way that you do… You are so… amazing to me… I love you so… “
He turned around to face her at the first sound of her voice, surprise in his sorry eyes, “Doc… Ah, Doc… I didn’t… I didn’t want you to hear me… I’m sorry… don’t worry…” He wiped a wayward tear with a shirt sleeve and his voice crackled, but he wouldn’t succumb to the fear… “I promise I won’t… pressure you about this anymore… I meant what I said earlier… I support your decision and I’m going to be there for you all the way… I love you…” he finished with great sincerity.
She nodded, not wanting to talk. They’d said all that needed to be said…It was time to demonstrate the power of the ties that bound them together. More than anything, she needed to feel the strength of their love in physical terms, to join with him in that most special of ways. Gazing intently into his blue eyes, glistening as they were in the soft light of the moon that shone in through the open door, she spoke of her desire, “Make love to me, John… please make love to me… ” she whispered with desperate intensity.
“Now… Doc, are you.. sure?” he asked, looking at her very closely, wanting to be certain it was for her, that it was what she wanted for herself, rather than to please him.
Nodding, she stared into his blue eyes, taking his hands in hers, then shared what was on both their minds, “‘Honey, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. I need you… and you need me… more than we ever have before, John… I want to be close to you… I want to feel your hands on my skin…”
Hearing her say it that way gave him the confidence to trust that their love was fully back on track. Touching her on the face, then drawing her into his arms, he gazed into her moist eyes and told her how it was for him, “Oh, Doc… I want you so much… It was tearing me up inside when we were apart! I felt like I was only… half alive..”
She was crying openly, telling him the same, her hands on either side of his head, threading the thick dark hair she so loved, “So did I, honey… I felt so lost and alone.. I don’t want to feel that way anymore… we have to share everything, John… our hopes and our dreams… and our fears too, everything …from here on out.”
Gently wiping away her tears with his outstretched fingertips, he nodded and agreed, “Yes… I know…. And we will… I promise..” Then he stopped speaking and simply absorbed the passion she was broadcasting, her inner need to be with him, and sent it back in silent adoration as he began to touch her, his hands slipping inside her robe. “I’m going to worship you tonight, Marlena…. I’m going to show you in every way possible, just how much you mean to me, pretty lady.”
She was already mesmerized and only nodded and sighed in response… ‘Let him love you, Marlena…. Just let him love you… ‘ she was saying to herself as he gently lifted her off the floor and carried her toward the King size bed.
He set her down without ever breaking eye contact with his lovely wife. Leaning in, he gave her a soft lingering kiss, his tongue slipping inside her mouth, gently meeting with hers, his loving touch in combination fueling her growing desire… When their lips parted both were left breathless… After a moment of staring, enjoying the view and the love he saw in her glimmering eyes, he said… “I’ll be right back… I just have to take care of a couple of things…”
“John…. What… I don’t….” she started to say, but he stopped her with another stirring kiss, and then jumped up to follow through with his plans… In less than two minutes, there was music playing to embrace the mood, the lights were dimmed, the flames of several scented candles shimmered in the light breeze, and a tray of fruit and whipped cream sat on the table nearby. “Oh, my you’re quick…” she said with a broad grin, thankful for his thoughtfulness.
His face was decorated with a sweet grin that made him seem much younger than his calendar years, “Well, I wanted this night to be perfect, Doc… you deserve only the best.”
She sighed with a feeling of peace and contentment she hadn’t felt in several weeks… reaching out to draw him closer to her body, saying, “Oh, I have the best… and this night is perfect because I’m with the man that love. I’m so in love with you, John Black… and I need you so…”
His hands cupped her face and he lightly kissed her lips and returned the sentiment, “I feel the same way about you, Marlena… I know I can’t live without you…” He smiled with a hint of shyness telling her something he’d been thinking lately, “I know this is going to sound… hokey, but… I love you and I need you… as much as I need the air that I breathe, Doc…”
Funny.. she’d been feeling the same way, “I know… I know, honey… me too…but now…let’s show each other how that works…”
He smiled slyly…and slipped off the bed to get a piece of fruit, a strawberry nonetheless, swirling it first, picking it up in a dollop of whipped cream. He held it poised over her lips and she sighed when she looked into his twinkling eyes. “Oh, John…. Some things never do change, do they?”
“Nope…” and he popped it in his own mouth with a satisfied laugh, then took some of the cream and smeared it on her lips and she gasped as she saw his mouth moving toward hers… The lips met again, and they shared the sweetness, licking and kissing each other as temperatures seemed to rise ever so swiftly. In seconds they were undressing, with quickening breath, their passions igniting, taking all thoughts away but those involving love making.
His hands were adept at removing clothing while his mouth continued to make the moves of love. Within a few more moments, he’d divested her of her silk loungewear and she was gasping. Wanting nothing to separate skin from skin, she stared into liquid blue fire and indicated that it was time for him to join her in blessed nakedness…. As he started to take off his shirt, she leaned in to devour his chest, kissing and nipping at him, making him moan… the heated sensations shooting through every nerve in his body, nearly paralyzing him. She pressed him down on the bed and leaned over him, and his hands instantly found the round softness of her chest, massaging her gently…. “Oh, John… ” she managed to eek out in a desperate whisper as he so expertly aroused her desire.
When she caught her breath during a moment’s pause, she moved down, straddling his legs, then began to unfasten his belt buckle….at the same time working to stimulate him through the pants that were the only remaining hindrance to total intimacy. “Oh, Doc… ” He was enflamed…his breath quickening, his heart pounding against the walls of his chest. Instead of taking off the pants to relieve the pressure of his growing need for her, she simply laid down on top of him again, making the aching sensation more intense….”Marlena… Oh…I want you so much…”
The pressure became more intense… and she could feel the power of his need… She waited until the moment when he was almost panting, his breathing so rapid….his quiet sounds of passion telling her he could wait no longer… In another second, she was again helping him remove his pants…. With a struggle, they were able to tug and pull at the coarse denim fabric and slip the black jeans down off his legs, revealing his sculpted body, aching as it was to become one flesh with her… He stared into the smoldering orbs of topaz that looked upon him with such admiration as he knew he never deserved… then in one swift motion, he rolled them over until his warm flushed body lay atop hers, their hearts beating in time, their breathing matching pace.
John paused before going further, wanting to absorb the overwhelming passion of the moment, then captured her mouth in a stirring kiss, his tongue finding hers and gliding so effortlessly around it… His fingers threading her golden hair, then roving all over her shoulders and back, all the while his kiss was so enticing, increasing her desire with each passing second … “Oh, John…”
She was moving too fast, and as much as he wanted to reach a climax, there was something he wanted more. It was for her to find the as yet un-reached heights of her physical release, to feel like the gift she was to him. He wanted her to understand exactly how much he loved her. “Let me love you… just let go and enjoy it… I want you to feel… so good, Doc… I want you to know… how precious you are to me…. “
“John… I do… Oh, I do know that… and I want all that for you too….I want to us to get lost in each other tonight… I love you so!” She said no more, immersed in the blues of his eyes that shone with the depth of his love for her.
He smiled seductively and said, “Well, that’s just the beginning… I wanna love you forever this way…”His left hand anchored his body as his right made magic on her chest, massaging the softness of her breasts so tenderly.. his mouth waiting until she arched slightly, rising to meet him… and his tongue slipped inside those velvet lips to entwine with hers, their anxious movements fueling the fire….
She was moaning softly….as the flames of desire rose ever higher… “Mmm, John… oh, Johh…oh, honey… “
Just hearing the sounds of pleasure made him want her all the more and he deepened the kiss…slightly more forceful…and then he was the one moaning… it was so intense…and all they could feel was the heated sensations of the love they were making…
John laid atop the beauty of the perfectly crafted body before him… wanting their time to last forever.. He fought off the desire to reach the peak immediately, to seek blissful release… but waited, for her, using his hands to stimulate her…bringing her desire to levels she’d never known.. “Oh, John… oh!” He was nipping at her breasts… licking them, his tongue flickering rapidly across the eager flesh of her bosoms… then he kissed her on the mouth again, but teased her with it.. tracing the edges of her lips and wouldn’t let her have him completely… and she cried out with the aching sensation of need…her body writhing… willing him to take her now…”Oh…”
Still, he prolonged it… his own body on fire…his bulging desire so intense he didn’t think he could hold off even another second. She arched to meet him one more time and he smiled…knowing this was the moment…. then entered her in one effortless movement. His lover welcomed him, her hands tugging at his back, her hands on his head pulling him ever closer, her needy mouth capturing his in a wildly powerful kiss all her own.. “Oh, Doc… oh…I need you… I need you so much…” It was magical…their ability to please each other, to build their desire to the point they knew they couldn’t take the aching sensation any longer….
In less than another minute, shining pools of blue met glimmering hazel and paused to savor the heavenly sweetness of the moment, bathed as they were in the soft shadows of the moon and the flickering flames of candlelight. They exchanged a mutual satisfied sigh, those eyes saying I love you and so much more… saying how thankful they were to be together this way, saying…..
New Possibilities
John was at the office for the first time in several weeks. The general game plan was to catch up on a stack of paperwork, review some contracts, sign off on some checks, etc. However, in actuality he was sitting behind his large oak desk and daydreaming about simpler times…while gazing at a wedding photograph.
“So.. pretty lady…how does it feel to know we’re going to wake up in bed together every day for the rest of our lives?” John was asking his new bride in a sweet memory that when recalled only caused him to fear that their life together would be cut short.
And her answer was spoken with such joy and peace, such hope for the future, “It feels like heaven.. like a dream come true, honey….” Her eyes sparkling with joy, filled with love’s tears… he’d never forget it as long as he lived.
“It is, Doc… all our dreams are going to come true now…. all the pain and ugliness is behind us.”
Little did they know that less than two months later they would be facing the worst crisis of their lives. ‘Oh, Doc… how can this be happening… there’s just gotta be something we can do…some way to save you *and* the baby…’ John was still lost in memory….wishing for a miracle solution when the telephone rang, startling him immensely, taking his breath away. “Uh… yes.. I’m here,” he finally managed to say, still caught between the present and the past as he picked up the receiver.
He heard the voice of his secretary, “Mr. Black.. it’s a.. Dr. Sorenson from Paris… he says it’s urgent.”
After a moment’s hesitation to try to place the name, John answered, “Alright, put him through…” ‘Sorenson… who was that?’ he was asking himself…Then it came to him, ‘Oh… yea.. one of the specialists who saw Isabella had mentioned him….he’d been doing research on various chemotherapy regimens.
Punching the line with the blinking red light, he said, “Hello, John Black here… “
“Mr. Black… it’s Dr. James Sorenson… I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for a couple of days… I have some important news for you.”
“Oh, well I was out of town for a few days… took a weekend cruise on a new boat… anyway what’s so urgent? and please… call me John.”
“Alright, John it is… the reason I’m calling is that I have some vital information for you and your wife… I… heard about your… situation through a mutual friend… a Dr. Carly Manning?”
“Oh.. yes.. I’m sure you know… she was a good friend to my…first wife.. (that was a weird one…he never did know quite how to explain his life… ) She uh… she tried to help Isabella when she was sick… So, what’s this information you have for me?”
“Well, it’s a new form of chemotherapy… it’s been tested extensively here in Europe and it’s being used in several clinical trials and is close to receiving FDA approval in the United States. John, this drug has been proven repeatedly to be safe for use late in the second and or in the third trimester of pregnancy… with virtually no effects on the baby.. and minimal side effects for the mother.”
“You’ve got to be kidding… I can’t believe this!” John said, sitting up a little straighter in the chair, his attention fully captured. “It that’s true then…maybe we don’t have to wait four or five more months for Marlena to start treatment… It sounds too good to be true, doctor!” he exclaimed wanting to hope and yet not wanting to have that hope dashed.
“Believe it… John I wouldn’t have called you if I didn’t think it was a legitimate option for you and your wife to consider. Do you think she would be open to meeting with me.. and one of the researchers who discovered it, a Dr. Houston who has recently taken a position at Sloan Kettering?”
John sighed, wondering whether she would or not… “I definitely am.. but I don’t know about Marlena… She’s been against even talking about chemo while the baby is in utero… but this is different.. maybe I can get her to at least listen to you.”
“Good, I’m going to book a reservation for tomorrow… I have to be in New York in a few days anyway… I could meet you there or come to Salem.”
“I’d love it if you came to Salem… and I think Marlena would be more likely to meet with you and actually consider the treatment if she were able to hear about it in the safety and privacy of her own home.”
“Alright then, I’ll call you when I arrive in Salem… I look forward to meeting with you, John.. I hope we can help.”
John was excited about just the possibility and it showed in his response…”Oh, so do I… Doctor… you can’t begin to know how much…”
“Good, then my colleague and I will see you very soon.”
“Yes… soon, thank you *so* much for calling. And… say hello to Carly for us… “
“You’re welcome, and I will be glad to do that… Goodbye John.”
In the second he hung up the phone… John was walking back and forth across the office, rehearsing ways in which he might present the idea to his wife, who steadfastly refused to discuss the matter. Shortly afterward, he thought of something that might aide in his cause, more information. He sat down promptly at the desk again, turned on the computer and went to work. So absorbed in the vital task, he didn’t here the sound of someone approaching the desk… “Hey, John… what’s so important?”
He nearly jumped out of his chair with the startle response… “Geez, Abe… you scared the hell out of me… what are you doing here?”
“Oh, I was in the neighborhood and I thought I’d stop by to see how you were doing. I haven’t seen much of you lately and I’ve been thinking about you..”
“Oh… well, thanks for stopping by… but I… I umm, I’m kind of busy right now…” he replied sounding and looking rather distracted.
“I can see that… John.. it’s pretty clear that something’s going on inside that head of yours… why don’t you tell me about it… Is it Marlena?”
He shrugged and laughed it off, still not looking up, “Isn’t it always?”
“Mostly, I guess.. so what’s going on that’s got you so preoccupied… she’s okay isn’t she…and the baby…”
John rose from behind the desk and sought to calm the alarm reaction, “Woah… hold on.. partner… yes, both of them are doing fine.. so far as I can tell anyway. No… I just got a call from a specialist in France… it seems there’s this new form of chemotherapy that has been getting good results over in Europe and here too I guess.. and it’s on the verge of being approved by the FDA here in the states..”
“Oh… and you want Marlena to consider taking it… but you’re scrambling to think of a way to get her to talk with you about it.”
“Bingo… Abraham… she’s so set against it… and I don’t want to upset her, but if there’s a chance in hell of getting her to do it… and increase her chances of survival.. I’ve gotta try.. you know…”
His friend was nodding his understanding and his approval as he asked the logical question, “Yes…so what are you doing here.. with your nose buried in the computer?”
“Research… I went to the Sloan-Kettering web site, the University of Pennsylvania… Texas… the Moffitt Center in Florida, Paris.. Bonn, Switzerland… all over the place, and I’ve been reading about what they do when breast cancer is diagnosed during pregnancy…”
“And… ” Abe asked curiously.
Sitting back down, he went ahead and clicked the mouse to print the file he’d been reviewing, so he could have hard copies of some of the articles. “Well, you know what… I’ve learned a heckuva lot… it turns out… it’s a pretty rare situation, but most of the evidence suggests that there isn’t a real high risk of damage to the baby because of chemotherapy… as long as it’s administered in the second or third trimester… Doc’s into the second trimester now and if I can just… get her to listen… maybe she’ll go for it…”
His friend sighed heavily and then shared some information John didn’t have at his disposal, “Oh, John… I don’t know… Lexie said they talked about it again the other day… Marlena knows some of what you’re talking about… seems she been doing research too, John… and she says they still don’t know enough about it and she’s not willing to take the risk.”
His fist in a ball he slammed it lightly on the surface of the desk, and expressing his frustration, “Darn… I should have figured that… Doc’s always been one to be thorough…she’s probably read all the same research I have today.” Standing up again and breathing out a hard breath, John asked for help, “So, tell me Abraham… how do I get her to listen to me and meet with this specialist who’s coming here in a few days?”
His best friend blew out a long tired sigh, thinking that John was headed for trouble again. When John and Marlena last went head to head on this issue, the fallout wasn’t a pretty sight and he didn’t want to have to pick up the pieces of his best buddy after the fighting was over. Shaking his head, but trying not to be too discouraging, he said quietly, “Oh, John… I really don’t know…. All I can say is good luck… and even thought it’s… the hardest thing you’ve ever had to deal with… please.. try to… keep your cool with her… I’m sure you remember all too well what happened during the last go around…”
Images from their period of separation were right there in his mind’s eye…Running his hands through his hair, he fought them off and answered his friend, “Yep… I was alone and eating stale pizza for breakfast…” Shutting his eyes, he took a deep breath and let it out before commenting further, “Believe me partner, I don’t want to go *there* again… Nope…if she turns me down….that’s the end of it…. I’ll let it go.. even if it’s tearing me apart inside…”
“You are SO strong, John… and you can get through this… I know you can… no matter what she decides… and no matter what happens.”
John choked back a cry and said rather forlornly, “Yea… well I’m glad somebody thinks so… I gotta wonder sometimes… I can’t really let myself think about it too much, Abe… it’s too… painful. My mind always takes me back.. to what happened with Izzy B… and then… Doc’s face appears.. and it’s her who’s dying.. ” John’s eyes were misty and his voice was thick with emotion and Abe took that as a cue to quit before the pain took over.
“Okay.. okay… we won’t go there right now… I’ll leave you to your research and send up some prayers that Marlena will at least consider meeting with this specialist.”
“Thanks, partner… and by the way, how’s Lexie doing?” John asked, trying to smile for his best friend’s benefit, feeling like all they ever talked about was his painful situation. It didn’t seem right that Abe couldn’t share his joy, hard as it was for John and Marlena to handle the disparity in their life circumstances.
Abe was almost reluctant to tell him… it just didn’t seem fair that life was so good to them and not to John and Marlena… he didn’t understand why things went the way they did. But, since John seemed sincere in asking, Abe told him the truth, even if he couldn’t quite look his buddy in the eye, “She’s fine…the baby is developing perfectly… everything is going along smoothly.”
A weak smile was the best John could do as he replied, “I’m glad….really.”
Abe winced at the absence of true emotion in the man’s voice… he wanted to be happy for his friend, but couldn’t really… “John… I’m sorry… I wish you two didn’t have to face all this pain… it must be so hard for you to be around us right now….. We understand if you don’t.. feel like.. socializing with us the way you did before…”
“Hey.. stop that… we’re happy for you two.. we really are… but I won’t lie to you… it’s tough.. especially for Doc… but we’re going to make it.. and we’ll get back out there.. soon… okay?”
Abe nodded, then gave his buddy a friendly slap on the arm, and took his leave, “Okay… I’ll see you later… good luck tonight.”
“Thanks, I think I need a dose of that… there hasn’t been too much of it to go around lately.” Abe nodded once more and stepped out the door, taking a lingering glance back at his best friend, who was already back in front of the computer, checking out the web sites that contained information on the combined subject of pregnancy and breast cancer.
Later that evening at the house, John was fixing a nice dinner of smoked salmon, new potatoes and broccoli… and thinking about how to broach the taboo subject. The kids were spending the night with their grandparents and they were alone to talk, but he just wasn’t quite sure how or where to start, so he remained silent. Marlena could see from the way he was chopping the chives to death that her husband was worked up about something. Finally, when she couldn’t stand it a moment longer, she put her hand on his forearm to stop the constant motion and initiated the conversation.
“John… I can tell that something is going on inside that fertile mind of yours and I want you to tell me about it.”
He let out a long sigh, looked up at her for the first time since he’d started dinner and said, “Alright… it’s true… there is something. Marlena.. Look, I know you haven’t wanted to discuss this before but… today I was contacted by a well respected physician from France… part of a research team. Doc, they’re working with this new drug.. for use in cases of breast cancer where there is also a pregnancy and…”
She put up her hands… and shook her head and then said in definitive tones, “John… I don’t want to talk about this with you. I’ve told you before…the discussion is closed.”
“But, Marlena… it’s fairly new but they’ve tested it alot… please.. just hear me out.”
She turned her body away from him, not wanting to see the fear she knew was motivating him. It was too hard to look him in the eyes and turn him down. “No..John, I’m not risking my baby’s health.”
John took a step closer to her, placing his hands upon her shoulders, preparing to turn her back toward him, “Doc… you’re being pretty hasty here… there might be a way to have the best of both worlds… please consider this… “
“John… I’m warning you… if you persist in this… ” Abruptly, she stopped speaking and seemed to be in pain. Then in the next second she was nearly doubled over, crying out, “Oh… Oh, John… it…hurts..”
Racing to her side, he apologized immediately, “Oh, God… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… Okay… no more… I won’t talk about it anymore…Here, let me help you…” he said, reaching to place his arms around her.
She pulled away and managed to make her way over to the couch where she laid down to ride out the wave of pain, as he was asking her worriedly, “Marlena… are you alright…”
“Yes… or I will be.. if you would leave me alone. It’s okay now….. I think it was a combination of the baby shifting and some gas or something… anyway, I thought we were clear on this matter, John.”
“We were, but this is… different… he said it won’t hurt the baby, Doc… and I thought…”
Feeling stronger again, she was sitting up and stared him down as she spoke, “You thought you could make me change my mind… well, you can’t, John! I’ve made my decision and I’m going to stick with it.”
Damn… it had gone exactly opposite of how he hoped it would. She wouldn’t even consider talking to the researchers now. He’d blown it. Standing a few feet away from her near the center island, he conceded but continued to press the issue as much as he dared do, “Alright.. but Dr. Sorenson and another researcher from Sloan Kettering will be coming to Salem in a few days to talk with me about it. I’m going to hear what they have to say and I wish you would meet with us, but if you won’t… I guess I’ll have to accept it,” he finished with an exasperated sigh.
“Good… I’m glad you understand me so well. I will *not* be meeting with them. I am going to have this baby and then I will start treatment, as we’ve previously discussed, John. Now, I don’t want to talk about this with you ever again. Is that understood?” she finished with a question that demanded the correct answer.
He blew out a long breath, exasperated and angry, but agreed, realizing from the fire he saw in her eyes that he would be asked to leave the house again if he pushed her any further. “Yes, Marlena… it’s understood. I’m sorry I upset you with it.”
Relieved, she responded much more calmly, “Thank you… for respecting my position… “
“You’re welcome…” He was frustrated and knew he needed to blow off some steam, but certainly not at his pregnant wife. “Look, Doc…. I’m thinking of going out for awhile… are you gonna be okay here?”
“Yes… I think I told you earlier that Lexie, Maggie, and Laura were planning on coming over tonight…”
He smiled weakly, relieved that he wouldn’t be leaving her alone for the evening after an intense disagreement, “Good… I’m glad you have such committed friends around you, Doc.. I’m gonna go check out what Bo and Abe are up to… I’ll see you later, okay? And I’m sorry about dinner…”
“It’s okay… I understand… go.. you haven’t seen them for quite awhile… try to have a good time…won’t you?” she said, meaning what she said. John had been doting on her and it was time he took a break. Tensions were high, but she loved him dearly and wanted him to find a way to deal with his fears and the stress of not being in control, as she did by seeing her lady friends.
“Yea…” he said over his shoulder and then muttered under his breath… ‘I don’t think so…’ At the last minute he stopped near the door to the garage and turned around, feeling the helpless frustration take over, he found himself yelling at her, “Dammit, Doc! Why are you being so dang stubborn?.. If there’s a way to save both you and the baby… why not consider it? I don’t understand this? Don’t you *want* to live?” he said in the most powerful confrontation since the day she’d asked him to leave the first time.
She rose from the loveseat to fire off a reply, “How *dare* you ask me that… Of course I want to live, John! Don’t you think I want to see the children grow up… to see this baby grow from being an infant to a toddler… Don’t you think I want to stay with you… to grow old with you?”
He’d hooked her… something important was going on behind those blazing hazel eyes of hers… Stepping closer, he kept pressing the point, “Then why won’t you even listen to what I have to say… and meet with these people… Maybe they’ve got something that will help us, Doc!”
She was only a couple feet away shaking her head and speaking with vehemence, “No, John… I won’t risk the baby’s health! They can’t possibly know what would happen to a human fetus… they do most of their research with lab animals, John… Don’t you get it.. it’s not the same thing!”
“How do you know that… you haven’t even heard the name of the drug… And, I know better… they’ve used it in clinical trials, Doc… They could have tested it on women with advanced cancer for all you know… Why won’t you agree to meet with them… what are you so afraid of?”
“Nothing, John… ” She turned away again. Moving swiftly away from him and toward the windows that overlooked the lake, she was laboring to stop herself from shaking, hiding from the truth and trying to dispel the fear that sought to claim her. “I’m not afraid of anything…I’m angry…” she said her voice fading as she realized that her body betrayed her.
“Yes you are, you’re scared, Doc… you’re trembling… what’s going on with you?” John asked walking over toward the same spot, observing her closely and therefore hoping to discern her true feelings. He waited for another few seconds before placing his hands on her slumped shoulders, turning her gently to face him.
Maybe it was time for total honesty… she’d been demanding it of him. With tears brimming in her eyes, she gazed up into his concerned blue ones and admitted the truth, “Alright… alright, I’ll tell you… You’re right… I *am* afraid… I’m so afraid to let myself hope, John… because…I’ve been preparing myself to die… and I can deal with it.. but if I let myself.. believe that someone can save us both… and I’m wrong…then it’s going to be so much harder… and I don’t know if I can.. take it… I can’t take that pain!” By the time she was finished her hands went to cover her mouth and her slender body was shaking with the fear she finally expressed to her husband.
In a heartbeat he was wrapping her in the strength and comfort of his arms, willing her to absorb that strength and the love that was its companion, “Oh, Marlena… why didn’t you share that with me… you didn’t have to go through it alone, baby.” His hands gently cupping her beautiful delicate face, he peered into her frightened hazel eyes and spoke tenderly, ” Doc, I’m so sorry… I’ve been so caught up in my fear of losing you… that I…Oh, Marlena…. sometimes I forget about how horrible this must be for you… God, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry!”
Nodding, she felt safe enough to let her tears go and as they flooded out, all she said was, “Just hold me, John… please just hold me.. and never let me go… don’t ever let me go…”
Stroking her silky hair as he held her close to his body, John whispered soft words of comfort in her ears, “Of course I will, Marlena… Shh… it’s okay… it’s okay… I promise… I’ll always be right here… I’ll hold you close to me and I’ll never let you go… I love you so much, Doc…”
“And I love you so… Oh… how I love you…” she cried, looking into eyes that were a reflection of her very own… relieved to have shared her fears with her soul mate. She’d been so busy fighting it off that she was shutting John out and hadn’t recognized it for what it was. At least now they knew they were in it together all the way, facing their fears as a couple instead of each in their own private world of pain that was never shared in intimate conversation. John kissed away her tears and then his lips touched hers, his cheeks resting gently next to hers, savoring the point of contact…. And in the next moment, his right hand held her neck, the other on her right shoulder, as his mouth captured hers, his tongue parting her lips and then taking her breath away with what seemed like very little effort. Marlena responded powerfully to the kiss and her hands were in his hair and then on his neck and then his chest…”Oh, John…. love me… please just love me..” A few seconds later they were on their way to their own special heaven on earth, sharing the magically passionate love only they two could make. It was a time of sheer bliss, and the other issue could wait…
Another Try
They were supposed to meet at the house, on the back porch overlooking the lake. ‘A place where we can be casual, maybe even relaxed,’ John thought, hoping his wife would actually show up. He wasn’t entirely sure she was going to make the meeting, even though he’d finally convinced her to talk with the Oncology researcher from Paris, and his former assistant, now at Sloan Kettering. ‘Oh, Doc… I hope you don’t back out on me now… this is so important… please come home, Marlena…. Please baby,’ he silently pleaded, gazing out at the lake, absently noticing that it looked as calm and peaceful as ever.
‘If only that were true of our hearts and our life together,’ he mused, checking his watch one last time. It was 1:00pm, the time set for the meeting and the doorbell rang right on cue. ‘Well, here we go, with or without you, Doc… I have to know if there’s a possibility, even if you decide to turn it down. Then, if something happens… at least I’ll know I did everything I…’ He stopped the train of thought…pushing the fear down where it belonged… ‘No, John.. don’t go there… don’t do it!’
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, he crossed the living room and entered the foyer, prepared to greet his visitors. “Well, hello, Doctor Sorenson, Dr. Houston, I’m John Black… come on in…”
“Hello… we’re pleased to meet you… and please, call us Jim and Cheryl,” said Sorenson with a polite smile, making eye contact to verify that his offer of informality was alright with his colleague. She nodded.
“Okay…Jim and Cheryl it is… so, did you two have any trouble finding the place?” he asked, making conversation as he ushered them toward the porch.
Cheryl answered this time, smiling warmly, “No, not at all… those Internet directions are amazingly accurate… they even told us which way to turn out of the hotel parking garage.”
“Yes, I’ve heard that… well, in any case, I’m glad you made it. Before we sit down, can I get you something to drink, coffee, tea,?” John asked pleasantly.
“Some mineral water would be fine with me, if you have some,” said the lady doctor.
“Yes, I do.. drink it all the time.. and you… Jim?” John said, still hesitant to use the first name, looking toward the large man dressed in a suit and tie, in great contrast to the lady’s more casual attire.
“Uh, some coffee for me, but please don’t go to any trouble… “
“Oh, no… it’ll give me some time to stall… To be honest, I’m not altogether certain that my wife will be here this afternoon. We’ve talked about it several times and she just isn’t sure that it’s wise for her to even consider the possibility of taking any treatment during her pregnancy. She’s… well, she’s been preparing herself for the possibility of… dying and she’s afraid to let herself hope… and if she hears what you have to say, she feels she’ll be opening herself up for… more pain.”
The researchers nodded and then Dr. Sorenson replied, “I see… well, I can certainly understand that… but nonetheless, I hope she comes to meet with us… I believe that this new form of chemotherapy can have direct benefit to her with very little risk of serious side effects or harm to the developing baby.”
Cheryl concurred, “And, so do I… Mr. Black, we brought the results of our research… the clinical trials have been very successful.”
It sounded promising… “What does that mean exactly?” John said while pouring the water into the coffee maker.
“Well, only one woman of the eighteen who participated in the initial trial had any complications at all.”
“Complications… and what were they?” John asked, feeling a jolt of nervous adrenaline in his gut.
“Well, I won’t make any attempt to soft peddle it; she…lost her baby… however she went on to have a full recovery from the cancer and was able to have another child. It’s been five years now and she’s completely clean and she has two healthy children.”
Reaching into the cupboard for two glasses and then pouring the mineral water for himself and Cheryl Houston, he commented further, “Well, that’s good news… what about the others?”
“There were negligible side effects….some nausea, fatigue, hair thinning or loss, which is distressing but not uncomfortable physically, depressed white cell count, and some mild neuropathy. However, all of their babies were born without incident, and they’re all healthy at the five year mark.”
That certainly sounded good to John, but he wondered about how Marlena would take it. “Well then, what about more recent trials? How do they compare?” he asked, hoping for very similar reports.
The others exchanged an uncertain look followed by an apprehensive sigh, before James answered the question, “In the last group of twenty….two women experienced spontaneous abortion… but as far as we can determine, the reasons were unrelated to the treatment regimen. They’re doing fine as far as the cancer goes… and both are going to try to become pregnant when they’ve reached the two year mark.”
His back turned toward the door, his head near the water and the brewing coffee pot, John hadn’t heard the sound of someone entering, but he noticed the disconcerted expressions on his visitors’ faces and shortly thereafter heard the door shut. He winced at the loud noise and closed his eyes for a moment, sighing heavily, knowing who had been standing behind him… “That was my wife, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, I believe it was, Mr. Black… and she heard only the last part of what I told you. Go ahead… go after her, maybe she’ll still agree to listen if you tell her everything…”
His face flushed with a strange combination of worry and embarrassment. “Alright, thank you so much for understanding, it means a lot.”
Next, the lady doctor attempted to make him feel better about it, “Take all the time you need… we’ll be right here waiting. We understand that this is a very important and serious decision… “
John nodded, but said nothing more, racing out to find his wife….knowing she would be a hard one to convince at this point. When he opened the front door, he saw her rushing toward her silver Volvo station wagon, a recent purchase for safety reasons. “Wait, Doc… please… wait… come back and talk with us… you didn’t hear all of it…”
She hesitated briefly and turned in his direction, shaking her head. “No, John… it’s no good… they just don’t know enough… they’re only guessing about the cause of those abortions… it could be the treatment and you know that as well as I do…”
“Or it could be something else, Doc… please don’t dismiss this without hearing them out.”
Outwardly, her husband appeared quite calm and composed in contrast to her distress, but when her eyes met his, she saw a different story. They were a misty pale blue…and inside them she saw a desperation she’d seen only a few times before, one of them when she spoke to him shortly after he and Isabella had been informed of the terminal prognosis for her pancreatic cancer. Marlena remembered that conversation so vividly, not the words, but the look in his eyes… he was absolutely terrified, desperately searching for a different answer… His eyes bore much the same haunted look now, only it was worse for having fought and lost the battle once before. John was fighting for their survival, trying to protect the woman he loved from harm. How could she deny him, knowing what he’d been through in losing Isabella?
Sighing wearily, she acquiesced, “Alright, if it means that much to you… I’ll listen… but I’m making no promises…”
His sigh of relief almost enveloped her, the tension he’d been feeling nearly palpable in contrast with the peace and serenity to be found in the balmy mid-afternoon breezes. His eyes were still moist, but filled with gratitude as he stepped closer, his arms moving to embrace her. “Oh, thank you… that’s all I’m asking for, Doc… I won’t put any demands on you…”
Part of her resisting the warmth and comfort of his arms, she drew back and looked him square in the eye, a mild warning in her tone, “Okay… just so we’re clear on that.”
John sighed again and extended his right hand, saying, “Okay then.. let’s go hear what they have to say…”
She smiled this time, grateful to be so loved, so needed, so wanted by this amazing man… who felt things so deeply.
They walked in silence toward the house, enjoying the simplicity of a peaceful moment holding hands, both cognizant that each moment such as this was one that should be cherished, for one never knew what might befall in those which were to follow. Just as they reached the top step of the front landing, John stopped his progress and turned toward his wife, his entire being exuding the sentiment he wanted to express. His voice suddenly quavered with quiet intensity, his words telling her what was in his heart, “I love you, Marlena Evans-Black… more today, in this instant… than ever in my life… and all I’m trying to do here… is… keep you with me… “
Her sigh was audible… her heart melting at the depth of love he revealed. Reaching out to take his hands, she responded in similar fashion, her hazel eyes moist, “Oh, I know honey… I know that… and I so want to be here… with you… and our children… this one included…” she said, patting her rounded belly. “That’s why I’m agreeing to walk in there and listen… because I love you so…”
“Thank you so much, Doc… God, how I love you, pretty lady!” he cried, cupping her beautiful face, bringing it closer, then gently, so tenderly planting his lips upon her supple mouth, his tongue slipping inside to embrace hers…
Then, suddenly, John deepened it… kissing his wife hungrily, so desperately, as if he could give to her and take from her all the love meant to be exchanged in a lifetime of passionate kisses… as if this one moment were all they had to share. When it ended, the significance of his powerful embrace and her equally strong response was not lost on either of them, as their ragged heaving breaths slowed in time. Once more, John wrapped his arms around his lovely wife and held her close, wishing they could stay that way for an eternity, his mind acknowledging that nothing lasted forever, and certainly not her life, unless they did something to fight for it. “Are you ready to go back inside, Doc?”
“Yes, I’m ready… ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose,” she added tiredly, also having wished to stay within the safe surround of his strong muscular arms, her body next to his, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
Five minutes later, she was doing her level best to stay seated, even though what they were saying was difficult to hear. “Marlena… the data is quite consistent… we’ve had a very high success rate, here.. you must admit that.”
“I do, I do admit that… but tell me something, Doctor… what did the women say who lost their babies? How do they feel about the choices they made?”
Sorenson and Houston looked at each other and Sorenson, being the senior member, made the reply, “Well, of course they grieved the loss and they wondered whether they’d done the right thing for themselves and their babies…. But, all three of them are alive and doing well… One of them has gone on to have other children, and the other two will try again, as soon as they’ve reached the two year mark with a cancer free report.”
“So you’re saying that being able to have other children makes up for the pain of their losses, are you?”
Cheryl leaned forward in her chair and replied to the emotion filled question, “No, Marlena…that’s not what he’s saying… he’s saying that they are happy to be alive and they’re trying again, embracing life along the way.”
“I see… is there anything else you wish to say to try and convince me?” she said, rising, prepared to dismiss the two physicians.
“Yes, there is, Doctor Evans….at this point in time, there is very little research to indicate that waiting will save the baby any more than doing this treatment creates a significant risk to the baby during the second trimester. However, based on the type of cancer and the stage, your chances for long term survival are much greater if you pursue this treatment now, than if you wait four more months to begin. I understand that in addition to your loving husband here… you have five other children who love you and need you to be a part of your lives… I ask you.. review what we’ve discussed here today, and then consider their needs… as you contemplate your decision.”
She nodded, rubbing her belly at the same time as her eyes fell upon a family photo they’d had taken during the wedding several months ago. It was the two of them and all of their children…the twins and Carrie, Brady and Belle surrounding them with love; it was a wonderful moment and a special memory, forever captured on film… all of them happy and smiling, arms around each other, as if they truly were a family at last. “I will, Doctor… thank you.. for reminding me. I’ll take a good look at the data again… and we’ll get back to you.”
“Soon, make it soon, Marlena… the longer you wait, the more the cancer has a chance to grow and spread… I’m sure you know that time is of the essence.”
“Yes,” was all she said, her slight nod all she could do to acknowledge her understanding of that fact.
“You’re welcome… thank you too, John…”
John wasn’t sure what to make of the exchange or the expression on Marlena’s face, but he was pleased that she had listened to the whole story about the drug and the treatment regimen, and the results obtained. That had to be a fairly good sign. Standing up, he responded and prepared to escort their guests to the door, “Yes, thank you so much for coming here, for taking the time to call and arrange this to begin with… that was very kind…”
“Please, think nothing of it…. We just wanted to help you in what we know is a terrible time for you… every couple’s nightmare… Please, call us if you have any more questions…”
John showed them out while Marlena stayed out on the porch, sitting on the loveseat and gazing out over the lake, seeking to settle her churning stomach. Hearing their arguments and observing the unspoken wishes of her husband as indicated by the tension in the muscles of his face and the expression in his worried eyes, created such inner turmoil, at a time when she thought it had all been decided. Now, she had another choice to make. Blowing out a long breath, she wondered what John would say when he returned to the room.
When they were gone, John hung back for a moment or two, watching his wife where she sat, and wondering what she was thinking… Would she consider it? Was there even the slightest chance? And what if she agreed…and subsequently lost the baby, what would become of their marriage? Finally, when he guessed it might have been long enough, he entered the porch, sat down in one of the chairs a few feet away from the couch, and waited.
She looked at him, a part of her wishing she could just say yes and get it over, but another part wasn’t at all sure it was the right choice to make. “John, I don’t know… I need… time.”
He nodded and paused before replying, “I know… do you want me to go?”
Her sigh seemed loud in the stillness of a quiet afternoon. “I think that might be best, yes.” He nodded in response and rose to leave, but she stopped him by grasping his wrist, as he took a step to pass between her and the doorway. John looked at her, obviously fighting back a tidal wave of fear. She could see it welling up in his sad baby blues… “Honey… I love you.. you know that.”
He dropped his head, and almost muttered a response, “Yes, I know that… I just wonder…”
Puzzled, she asked him to finish the thought, “Wonder what…please say it, John…”
He almost winced just to verbalize it, not quite able to meet her gaze as he did so, “I wonder sometimes.. if you love the baby more….”
Squeezing his right hand with her left, she stood up and touched his cheek with her right, seeking to make him understand as she spoke, “Oh, John… you know that’s not true… honey, this baby is an innocent, caught up in events over which it has no control. It’s my job to take care of him or her as best I can.”
Internally, John berated himself but he couldn’t hold it back any longer, his lips quivering as his trembling voice revealed his perspective, “Yea well, I have no control either….. I don’t get to make… any of the choices… I have to watch…and wait.. and pray to God…that the cancer doesn’t take you like it took Izzy B… Now, I gotta go… you uh… you take all the time you need…”
Her eyes flooded with tears in response to his vulnerability and his pain. Holding on to his arm, she said, “No, John… don’t go… not like this… please…”
He sniffed and shut his eyes momentarily, as he leaned his head back taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly before responding again, “Marlena.. I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that… now if you want me to go.. I have to leave now… before I make a fool of myself and beg at your feet. You were right, this is your decision to make, so I’ll leave you to it.”
Nodding, cognizant of what he needed to do for her, she released him and agreed without further discussion, “Alright… but John… don’t think for one second…that I don’t.. care about how you feel. I do.. so much.. I know that this is tearing you apart… and I’m so sorry for that. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
He leaned in and gave her a safe peck on the cheek, saying, “Yea…soon. Bye Doc…” He had it all locked up tight again and that was where it would stay for the time being. Mostly bad things happened when he let it out.
Marlena could see him shutting down and she hated it… he seemed so tense, struggling so hard for composure, afraid he was going lose her, yet willing himself to relinquish any power in the relationship and fully accept her choices. She watched him step out the front door, heard it slam shut, and then there was the roaring sound of the Jeep’s engine as he raced off to nowhere…. ‘Oh, John… how I hate seeing you suffer this way.’
With a weary sigh, she sat back down, picked up the packet of materials describing the treatment protocol, and reviewed them thoroughly. It was a drug that wasn’t in the mainstream of potent chemicals currently used for women with breast cancer who weren’t pregnant, so she was not as familiar with it.. but it was one she recognized. She read the statements of the women in the previous clinical trials, she reviewed the information on side effects and risks to the baby and then she recalled the words of the researchers. There truly wasn’t much evidence to support the claim that waiting does anyone any good and it was certainly clear that waiting posed a greater risk to the long term survival of the mother. But, those two spontaneous abortions…. What about them?”
She had to know… Shuffling through the materials, she spied a business card with Cheryl Houston’s phone number at the hotel and she dialed it, not even taking time to think about what she would say.
“Hello, this is Cheryl Houston… ” said the woman on the receiving end, not having expected a call.
“Hi… this is Doctor Marlena Evans… I was wondering if you could answer another question or two.”
“Certainly… what is it you’d like to know?”
“Well, I’m sure you know that the two abortions are upsetting, and I wanted to know more specifically what other causes were found for them.”
“That is quite understandable. Well, in both cases, we detected a significant drop in certain hormone levels at a critical juncture, which when researched seemed to be consistent for these two women, both of whom had lost a baby prior to developing breast cancer and entering our study. Therefore, we concluded that the cause was unrelated. Both women were satisfied with that explanation, as the issue of hormone levels had been addressed during previous pregnancies by their obstetricians.”
“I see… well, thank you very much, that helps a lot.”
“Doctor Evans… have you had this kind of problem in a pregnancy before?”
“No.. I haven’t. I’ve been very fortunate in that each one of my pregnancies went along without complications.”
“Good… so then… are you considering the chemotherapy and the rest of the treatment protocol?”
“Yes, I am… I’m reviewing the materials right this moment.. I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
“Very good… I look forward to hearing from you.”
An hour later, John grew tired of driving around aimlessly and headed on home to find out what was going on with his lovely wife. He parked the Jeep out front and made his way inside, entering cautiously. “Doc… I’m home,” he called out to warn her of his arrival.
There was no response… so he continued to walk toward the back of the house, scanning for her presence. When he reached the porch, he saw the paperwork for the doctors scattered all over the table, as if she’d reviewed it and maybe become upset.. Immediately, he looked down at the lake and the gazebo… and sure enough there she stood, staring out over the water, as he so often did when he needed to think something through. Even from this distance he could tell that she was in anguish, wanting to do what was right for everyone. ‘Oh, Doc… I wish I could do something to make this easier for you… but at least I can make you smile.. I hope,” he said as he prepared to deliver the items he’d purchased a few minutes earlier.
She heard the clump of his cowboy boots on the wooden stairs leading from the house to the lake and smiled wistfully. It was a comforting sound.. signifying that no matter what came between them, no matter all the strain of the past several months that sometimes separated them…. there was still the coming back, to talk, to cry… to be together in love, ‘as long as we both shall live.’ She turned around when she knew he was close enough to see her face, “Hi John… I’ve made my decision… and I’m ready to tell you about it.”
John stood there at the base of the gazebo, staring at his wife with a doleful expression on his face, thinking she was going to tell him that she’d decided against the chemotherapy. Bracing himself for bad news, he said, “Alright, I’m ready…. What did you decide?” stepping nearer while waiting for her reply.
She hesitated before answering him, knowing how much she would please him, even as she was terrified at the prospects.. “Well, I’m thinking about taking the treatment…”
His eyes lit up. “Oh, Doc.. that’s great…” John started to say before she cut him off and continued her explanation.
“Wait a minute, John… there are a couple of things I need you to know first,” she said gesturing for him to sit down on one of the benches. “I plan to go in and talk to Sarah and the surgeon, I forget the name.. anyway, then I want to see if they can do a lymph node biopsy without using general anesthesia. If they can, I want to have them do so… as well as re-run all the blood work. If there are indications that the cancer has metastasized, I’m willing to start treatment in another three weeks or so. If not, then I plan to wait until the seventh or eighth month to begin, to give the baby the best fighting chance.”
Her husband was flabbergasted, his eyes filled with surprise. Anything was better than waiting four more months. He wanted to take her in his arms but something in her eyes told him not to, not yet. Instead, he anxiously told her what it meant that she was open to the idea, “Oh, Doc… thank you for even considering it to begin with… it means so much to me… and I promise… I’m right beside you… all the way. You’ll never be alone, unless of course you want to be.. then I’ll give you all the space you need. Anything, Doc… anything you need, I’ll give it to you.”
She smiled, pleased to see a glimmer of the man she married… sensing that he was seeing the same in her as she responded tenderly, reaching out to take his hands in hers, “Oh, John… you really are special, you know that… Why don’t we go call Sarah and set up an appointment?”
He was shocked that she was moving so quickly on it, “Already…. You mean you don’t need any more time to think about this?”
“No, I’m ready… I want to find out what’s happening as soon as possible so we can take the next step.”
He’d waited as long as he could and gently wrapped his muscular arms around her, sensing another meaningful exchange, “Marlena…. Thank you so much… I’m so glad….”
“I am too…. John, I love you so much…” She stopped for a moment and stood up, leaning against the railing, the fear beginning to rise up from its hiding place deep inside her being. ” And I don’t want to die…” she said, her lips and voice trembling, her eyes beginning to fill with tears, “I want to.. grow old with you, I want to.. sit on the.. front porch and watch the cars go by… and I want to live to see this baby grow up and have our grandchildren,” she said, holding her rounded belly.
He rose from the bench to stand next to her and looked down at her tummy, placing his hands overtop hers on that small mound which held the life of his child, their child. And his own tears mixed with hers as he drew her close, his cheek resting on hers, his arms wrapped securely around her slender body. “Oh, baby.. you will…” Then stepping back, he cupped her face with his hands, gently wiping away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. Looking into those fearful eyes, John spoke to his wife with passionate belief in her ability to win this ultimate battle, “Because you’re SO strong, Doc.. you’re the strongest… bravest… most amazing woman I have ever had the privilege to know… and you’re going to beat this… I *know* you are!”
She nodded and wept all the more to see the depth of love and respect in those misty baby blues… and she told him how much it meant to her. “No.. John, honey… we’re going to beat this… you and me… together… we’re going to beat this cancer.”
John finished with a heartfelt whisper, then held her closer still, “Yea… together… we’ll do it together…” They stayed that way for long moments holding each other in the late afternoon sun, gathering strength for the challenges that lay ahead, taking comfort in the warmth of a loving embrace. Finally… they were together in every way… prepared to fight the battle of their lives. With faith and hope and love, God willing, they would emerge victorious and go on to share a long and happy life watching their children, and their children’s children grow and develop before their eyes.
Within two hours, they were in Sarah Bader’s office reviewing the original pathology report and planning for further tests, while discussing the lymph node biopsy procedure. “Marlena, we can do the surgery with local anesthesia, but the pain will be.. rough afterward without the schedule two drugs…”
“I know… but I won’t endanger the baby any more than is absolutely necessary… I can handle the pain with low level medications… “
“Alright…. We’ll do the best we can to minimize the risk of infection and the pain. I’ve scheduled you for 9:00 am tomorrow morning. Once we know the results and have the other tests analyzed, we’ll set up an appointment with the oncologist and finalize the course of treatment, alright?”
John was holding her, and she could feel his strength, his desire to transfer all of it to her, his willingness to hold her up when she felt weak.. Marlena almost smiled at the thought of how much different it felt to know that he would never fail her again. “Yes….that’s fine, we’ll be here,” she said nodding her head. “..and by the way, I’d like to have Dr. Houston from Sloan Kettering in on the cancer treatment. She and Dr. Sorenson were the ones who really convinced me to give this a try.”
Sarah could see the change in her patient’s demeanor. Marlena was afraid for herself and for the baby, but she had her husband’s unwavering faith and support, and it would make all the difference in the world. She reached out to give her friend’s hand a reassuring pat, sharing her response, “Marlena, for the record, I’m glad you’ve made this decision, but mostly, it’s really good to see you two so close again. I’m so happy you found a way to work things out.”
Marlena, who was a little weepy, nodded her head as tears flowed lightly. John snuggled up a little closer and answered for the two of them, “We are too, Sarah… we’re in this together, all the way, from here on out.”
“That’s good news… we’ll see you tomorrow morning, then… Oh, and I know it won’t be easy, but try to get a good night’s sleep.”
Marlena was recomposed and wanted to make sure her friend knew how much her efforts were appreciated from the outset. First answering that suggestion, she stood up saying, “We’ll try…and thanks again, Sarah… for everything, I know this hasn’t been easy for you either… trying to be my friend and my doctor.. I just want to tell you that you’ve been wonderful.”
Sarah smiled warmly and leaned in to give Marlena a hug. “I love you… and I’ll be praying for you and thinking of you tonight…”
John sat back and watched, thankful for the friendship the two women had forged, but feeling a twinge of guilt at not having been there for Marlena during a few critical weeks. As a couple, they were well past it, but his guilt about what she’d suffered lingered on.
Not able to sleep that night or do much of anything else, they laid in bed and held each other, talking the whole night through, sharing a host of memories. Facing those existential life and death questions had that affect on them. Though at first, they noticed each minute that ticked off the clock, once they got to talking, time passed fairly quickly, and at last they dozed off for a few hours. Before they knew it, the sun was rising and morning was upon them.
It was 9:00am sharp and they were rolling her into the operating room. John, having taken up residence in the waiting room, was already beginning to pace. Dr. Sarah Bader had just checked in with her patient when she came by the waiting area.. “Isn’t it a little early for pacing, John.. she’s just getting started.”
He seemed embarrassed, his reply somewhat hesitant, “Oh.. yea.. I guess I’m a little nervous… don’t know what to do with myself.. you know…”
“How about reading up on the chemotherapy regimens… if you’re knowledgeable when you speak with the Oncologists again, it’ll help you and Marlena make a more well informed decision.”
He wasn’t sure he wanted to review it all in detail…there were so many reminders of the past and he didn’t want to go there at the moment.. “I don’t know Sarah… besides I’ve already….”
“John.. I know that all of this brings back some very painful memories for you, but if Marlena is going to get through this… she’s going to need every bit of strength and determination you have… maybe it’ll get easier as you go along… why don’t you give it a try?”
He let out a sigh and nodded, realizing how important his reaction would be all the way along the road they were about to travel. “Okay… you’re right… I can’t dwell on what happened with Izzy B.. this is a different kind of cancer… different drugs… Yea, okay, I’ll read about it… thanks…”
“Sure… I’ll bring some materials to you… and please.. try to relax… we’ve never once lost a patient on local anesthesia.”
He offered a weak smile of gratitude for the reminder. Nodding, he replied more calmly, “Oh, yea.. I suppose you’re right…” and promptly sat down, trying to appear relaxed when his insides were churning with acid. Somehow, in the moment he saw Marlena dressed in the hospital gown, the memories were right there… seeing his wife waste away before his very eyes… and the emotions that accompanied them were very powerful. He fought for control…shutting his eyes, he gave himself a stern talking to…. ‘No, John… it won’t happen like that… not again.. this is different..Doc’s going to be okay…she will! You’ve got to believe that…and you have to help her believe it too!’
An hour later, he was putting the articles down… with a slightly improved understanding of staging and the treatment decisions that went along with the concept, including the classes of highly potent drugs suggested for use in pregnant women. However, since his mind was mostly on the woman he loved and how she was fairing in surgery, he was only able to absorb a small portion of what he’d read. At last, Sarah Bader and the surgeon, Dr. Tanner were coming toward him. He looked up and asked about her quite eagerly, “Well…”
Sarah smiled warmly, pleased that Marlena was sharing everything with John openly now… Having his love and support would make a great difference in her ability to tolerate the treatment regimen and to recover when the protocol was completed. “She’s out of surgery and doing fine… a little sleepy, but you can take her home in about an hour.”
“What’s next then?” he asked, practically ready to sprint down the hall toward her room.
“We wait for the pathology report.. we’ve put a stat order on it, so we should know by tonight. Then, we’ll have some decisions to make… very soon.”
Nodding, he expressed his desire to be by her side, “Okay…. Can I see her now?”
Dr. Tanner answered this time, enjoying the eagerness she was observing, knowing her patient would be in good hands. “Yes… but take it easy… she’s going to be very tender on the right side for quite some time.”
“Don’t worry….gentle is my middle name… I’ll treat her like a queen.”
Again, Sarah smiled in response and encouraged him to follow his instincts, touching him lightly on the shoulder as she replied, “I’m sure you will, John… and that’s what she needs right now, a little bit of pampering…”
Thinking of some ways to do that, he nodded and replied with enthusiasm, his eyes bright with ideas, “Oh, she’ll get it, I promise you that… whatever she needs or wants, she’ll get it.” Then, without another word, he turned and left them standing there, wondering where men like that could be found.
The two female doctors smiled and shook their heads in awe as they watched him rushing down the hall toward the recovery area… “He basically worships her, doesn’t he?” asked Dr. Tanner, slightly envious of the depth of feeling displayed by her patient’s husband.
Sarah laughed lightly, thinking it was an apt description, “Yes.. you could say that…it’s an amazing relationship, Liz… I’ll have to tell you their story sometime…”
“Please do… I could use a love story with a happy ending about now… “
“You and me both… I seem to keep picking the wrong men.”
“Me too, Sarah…. Hey you know.. I’ve been doing some reading on that research institute in Texas…. maybe we could have him cloned… “
Sarah Bader tossed her head back and they both laughed heartily but said nothing more…as they turned and went the other way, toward the cafeteria for a quick bite to eat, satisfied that their patient would get all the care she needed and then some.
John stepped inside the room, a cheerful expression on his face as he spoke to her, “Hey, sweet lady…. How’s my trouper?”
She looked in the direction of the very welcome sound and smiled as he stepped into view. “She’s mighty sore and tuckered out… but ready to go home…”
“Soon… very soon… we’ll go home and you can settle into our soft comfy bed and I’ll make you a late breakfast, how’s that sound?”
“Sounds heavenly, baby… just heavenly. You’re so good to me.”
“Well, that’s what husbands are for, aren’t they? to pamper their wives? Anything you need, honey… you’ve got it.” He wanted to hold her but didn’t want to hurt her, so he opted for the chair next to the bed, taking her left hand and giving it a light affectionate squeeze, followed by a soft kiss as he brought the hand to his lips. “Sarah says we’ll know something by tonight… I forgot… but we can have them fax the pathology report over to the house…if you’d like.”
She shuddered internally, frightened but still wanting to know. “Yes.. I would like that… then we can review it before we meet with them again and decide on treatment options.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me… I’ll go tell them, and bring the Jeep around front… is that okay with you?”
“Sure, but there’s one thing I need from you that simply can’t wait…”
“Oh… and what’s that, Doc?” he asked, making an assumption based on her facial expression, one that told him he was going to enjoy it too.
“Some TLC… that I can only get from my husband… “
“Oh, I get it…. Does this qualify?” he asked, leaning in to plant a soft moist kiss on her eager lips… his tongue slipping inside to caress hers with tenderness.
“Mmm… most definitely…” she said with a dreamy voice… “And I need so much more of it if I’m going to recover properly.”
He kissed her again before dragging himself away. He wanted to get her safely home. “No problem, pretty lady… I’ve got lots more of that tender loving care in store for you, and it’s doctor’s orders.” She smiled, he was breathing heavily, his desire stimulated… She sighed.. thinking, ‘If only we could make love,’ but that would have to wait. Marlena knew she was much too sore and it wouldn’t be a good idea at all. Nevertheless, there were other ways of pleasing each other… He caught her slightly hidden eyes and winked at her, his sweet yet mildly seductive smile letting her know he was sharing the same thoughts.
John Black awakened to find an empty spot in the bed next to him for the second morning in a row. Marlena was probably reviewing the pathology reports again. Seeing it on paper made it more real to her, looking at the numbers and the statistics… she was being so damned clinical, ever since that fax came in around 10pm the night before. He couldn’t view it that way, but maybe she thought she could get some distance on it if she kicked into full fledged doctor mode. Whatever it was, John didn’t feel like they were connecting and he hated it.
Moving from Stage IIA to Stage IIB… T2,N1,MO, HR negative.. four out of eleven nodes positive… what the heck did it all mean?… It means the cancer has spread, John… you know that much… that’s what matters, and she’s scared… she doesn’t want to do the chemo, but she knows she’s only going to get sicker if she waits.’ Finally, it made sense to him… ‘She’s afraid of what it’s going to do to the baby and she’s afraid to have hope, so she’s getting all medical on you… try to meet her where she is, John… help her feel safe…’
Instead of talking to her right away, John decided to take action to show his wife how much he loved her. As he descended the stairs and padded through the house, he saw her sitting out on the deck. He was right, Marlena was reviewing the materials they’d obtained from the hospital. Instead of disturbing her quiet moment of solitude, John got busy in the kitchen. In twenty-five minutes, he was on his way out the back door, a tray filled with goodies in his hands.
It was so exhausting pouring over such dry material. There was not a bit of emotion in it, just cold hard facts about her breast cancer and various chemotherapy regimens. There were flow charts talking about the stage, type and speed of cell differentiation, size of the original tumor, doubling time factor, hormone receptor status and DNA flow cytometry. Then there was the critical issue of lymph node involvement and metastasis to other parts of the body. It was overwhelmingly complex.
She was a doctor… she wondered how a lay person would ever be able to decipher any of the terminology enough to make a wise decision about her body. Her body… it wasn’t just her body… there was another little person inside her, a tiny person who in society’s eyes had no say in the matter. It was her choice… it almost made her sick to think that somehow there was this arbitrary decision made that the life was more valuable when it was outside the womb than it was a few days or weeks before its birth. ‘Who was given that power and by what God?’ she mused. Thankfully, her period of intense angst was interrupted by the heavenly smell of bacon.
“Hey, Doc… you were concentrating so hard.. I thought maybe you could use some brain food,” he said with a grin meant to coax a smile out of very serious looking face.
It worked. She melted… “Oh, John… have I told you lately… how grateful I am to have you in my life?”
“Oh.. not in the past five minutes… but otherwise yes… you have. Marlena.. I know this is really tough.. I’d like to share it with you, if you’ll let me… I may not understand all of those big words as well as you do, but I might be able to help you see it from a different perspective.”
“John, I have a confession to make… I’m a doctor and *I* don’t understand all of those big words… Okay… I want to tell you about it…there are some important choices to be made.. but first.. let’s eat, honey… this is amazing!” she exclaimed with glee, a glimmer of her former self visible in her eyes.
He leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek… maybe later he could give her more meaningful attention… once the decisions had been made. “I was kind of counting on you inviting me to share it with you… thanks.. I’ve uh… been missing you lately.”
She sighed, realizing that she’d been shutting down emotionally in order to function… “I know…. I’m sorry.. I sort of went into my clinical mode, didn’t I?”
He nodded and then, decided to tease her with it a little, “Yep… even the kids were starting to refer to you as that Doctor Evans lady… “
She narrowed her gaze and challenged him, “They were not!”
John flashed her a teasing boyish grin, “Gotcha!”
Playfully punching him on the arm with her left fist, she said, “Oh, shut up and eat… and that’s doctor’s orders.”
“Yes sir!” he said, snatching a large piece of bacon almost right out of her hand, to which she responded by wagging a finger at him. Her eyes bright and cheery for the first time in days, she added an editorial comment, “That’s what I like.. an obedient male… comes in rather handy from time to time.”
“Oh… well, if you have some free time later on today…. the kids are going to be with their cousins all day… I can show you just how obedient a man can be when his wife is giving the orders… say while reclining in a very comfortable bed…”
She flashed him a seductive expression and spoke in whispers, “Ooh, sounds rather intriguing… I just might have to.. take you up on that offer…”
“Oh, please do…” he said grinning excitedly, then taking a gulp of orange juice, hoping to cool himself off for the moment. He was in awe of her. Even with her right arm in a sling and wearing her oldest, most well worn terry cloth robe, her hair all undone, not a bit of make up on her face, Marlena Evans Black was the sexiest, most alluringly beautiful woman in the entire free world. And she belonged to John Black, who just knew he was the luckiest man on the planet to have her as his wife.
Promises, Promises
Three weeks later, the major decisions had been made and Marlena’s cancer treatment was soon to commence. Nevertheless, the tension was increasing as the time to begin the chemotherapy regimen grew near.
Gazing out at the glint of sunlight flickering in the golden leaves on the maple trees as he paced the back of the house, John briefly contemplated what had come to pass since that terrible night in the hospital several months earlier, when their world had been turned upside down. It was a conversation John knew might come back around eventually, but he had tried to tell himself it wouldn’t become an issue unless the unthinkable happened. However, his best friend had betrayed his trust and told Marlena what he said in the intensity of the moment following his wife’s shocking revelation about her cancer. It must have happened in the past week or so, just as she was due to make her final decision to initiate treatment at twenty eight weeks.
Marlena Evans-Black watched her husband walking back and forth across the light colored carpet in their ample family room, looking as if he were about to jump out of his skin. She waited patiently for his initial reaction to what she’d just exposed. John was furious and more than a little embarrassed, “Damn… I can’t believe he betrayed me like this…. I can’t believe he put that on you… as if you didn’t have enough to worry about!”
Saying that he was angry was an understatement. She was cautious in her reply, hoping to make him see the situation from his best friend’s perspective…”John… Abe told me what you said because he cares about you. He loves you like a brother and he’s worried about you. Abe knows that you were really upset that night, but he also knows how hard it was for you when Isabella died.”
“Yea.. but, Marlena… that was… that was.. awhile ago…” he said, making what he knew was a weak attempt at denying the significance of his remarks from that dark time.
“John… I know it’s upsetting… and that you’re… embarrassed by it….but I think his concern is justified. Can you deny it, John… can you really stand there and tell me that you didn’t mean what you said to him that night?”
He sighed audibly and wondered where she was headed, seeing some other purpose in her eyes beyond retrieving the answer to that one question. “Yea… I suppose…it’s understandable that he’s concerned…” he replied with a fair amount of calmness, yet not quite answering it. I’m just sorry it upset you… I never meant for you to know, Marlena…”
“Well, now I do, and I need you to make me a promise that you won’t make good on that threat.” He didn’t say anything, his mind taking him back to that horrible night at University Hospital when he first learned of the cancer diagnosis. She could almost see his brain working on it, wondering how he might downplay the significance of his exchange with his best friend, in which he’d blurted out that he would follow soon after her if she died. “I mean it, John Black… you promise me.”
He couldn’t speak… he was just shaking his head, tears unexpectedly filling his blue eyes, his head tilted downward.
With one word, she demanded it, “John… “
“I can’t…. I can’t do it, Doc…” he said, again looking away from her and toward the windows on the back of the house, staring into an imagined lonely future. How could he promise her when it was still true… if she died… he wouldn’t want to go on without her.
She sighed in response, and confronted him with the consequence of that stand, her arms crossed in front of her body. “Alright then, I’m not going to move forward with the treatment… John…either you look me in the eye and promise me you won’t give up on life if I’m not here, or I’m not going to take this risk.”
He was hurt and more than a little angry that it had come down to this confrontation, even as he understood her motivation, “What… so now you’re going to manipulate me?” he asked in response, his head turning swiftly toward her, wanting honesty from her in return.
“Yes.. ” she replied boldly, unapologetic.
John hissed at her, hating to be put in such a position, but realizing there was nothing he could do about it now. “Of all the stubborn… “
She almost smiled in the face of his frustration, “Yes… I am stubborn, just like the man I love…and I’m not budging on this one, John…” she said, standing up and facing off with her husband.
Wishing to avoid the end result, he tried an evasive tactic, knowing in his heart what her answer would be, “Why is hearing a promise from me so important to you anyway? I could always break it…you know….”
Marlena shook her head and argued with him, both of them cognizant that she would get what she wanted or nothing would change, stepping nearer to touch his face, making him look into her eyes. “No…you won’t, not you. Not the John Black that I know and love, the man who stood with me before God…and everyone else who loves us to declare his love and make an everlasting commitment. No, if he makes a promise to someone he loves, he doesn’t break it, even if it’s tearing him apart inside.”
Again, she observed him for a reaction… he wasn’t looking at her which meant she was getting to him. Satisfied with her progress thus far, she continued, forcing herself to remain emotionally detached from the content. “I know in my very soul, that if you look me in the eyes and promise me you won’t take your life if I die… you won’t do it… no matter how much you want to, you won’t. That is what I need from you, John.”
She was right, damn… She knew him so well, too well. If he made a vow to her now, he would keep it even if he were in agony; he wouldn’t break his promise, no matter how bad it got for him. John was silent, shutting his eyes, then resuming his edgy movements around the room when he opened them again. “But Doc, I…” he finally said in a soft voice, suddenly vulnerable, not quite meeting her scrutinizing gaze.
Taking a deep breath, she shared her fears and prayed he would agree, “John, honey… this chemotherapy… you know that there are toxic reactions, allergic reactions… problems could develop with the pregnancy… it’s not predictable. Honey, every person is different, no matter what happened in those trials, I could die… the baby could die, or both. So, before I take this risk, I need to know for certain that my other children are going to be loved and nurtured…and that you… will stay alive to guide them toward adulthood… and one day move on….maybe even.. find new love… and happiness. John, I can’t do this… No, I won’t do this if I don’t have that assurance…”
His head whipped around, his eyes fiery with frustration, “Alright… alright! I promise… I won’t try to…I’ll stay alive. Are you satisfied?” he said loudly, angry but at the same time thankful in some strange way that they were so connected, that she knew him so intimately as to make this demand of him.
“Yes, I am… thank you, John… now, get me those consents, would you, please?”
He blew out a long breath and walked over to the table on which they were laying. After glancing at them briefly, he handed the papers to her, “Yea… here they are.” John watched as she carefully wrote her name on several sheets of paper, signifying that in two more weeks, seven months into her pregnancy, she would begin her chemotherapy treatments. When she finished, she started to cry….as if the act of committing herself and hearing him voice his, allowed the tension inside her to be released.
John was at her side in seconds, holding her close to his body, stroking her hair and whispering softly in her ears, “It’s okay, baby…let it go,” he said, knowing how much pressure she’d been under in coming to this critical decision that would affect so many lives. “It’s going to be alright, Doc… I’m sorry about all that… I’m here with you… and I’m going to be by your side through this whole ordeal… I love you so much….”
“Oh, John… honey… I’m afraid… I’m so afraid….for me, for our baby… and for you and the kids… what if it doesn’t work, John…. what if we end up losing the baby… “
Caressing her cheeks with both of his hands, her husband did all he could to help her keep the faith, “Hey….now come on… I know you’re scared… so am I… but we’re going to get through this… because we’re together now…. we’re a team…. And we’re going to face this whole thing together… right?”
“Right… so, when I throw up… and when I… lose my hair… “
“I’ll be right there with the emesis basin… and I’ll shave my head to be like you…if that’s what you need from me, honey…” he said, wiping a few straggling tears from her beautiful wet cheeks with his outstretched fingertips.
She laughed through the tears, trying to imagine him without that thick head of hair…Her voice trembling, she shared what that meant to her, “Oh….do you know… how very much… I love you?” covering his hands with hers.
“I think I might have some idea… yea… All kidding aside, I mean that, Doc… whatever you need from me… you just tell me and you’ve got it. As long as we stay strong… together, we’re going to make it through this…”
“Yes…. we will, won’t we?” she said, wanting to believe it was true, willing herself to soak up his newfound confidence.
“Hey, Doc… now that the serious decisions have been made… what do you say we go get the kids and take em out for a picnic?”
She shook her head gently… “No… how about if we have a picnic right down there where they are now, in our own backyard?”
“Whatever you say, pretty lady….” John said, giving her another hug, allowing his arms to stay in place as long as she wanted them around her body. It lasted a long while and he could feel her relaxing, finally allowing herself to absorb all the love and strength he wanted to give her. It was what she needed but couldn’t bring herself to accept when there was so much tension between them during the decision making process.
“Pretty lady” she said, muttering under her breath. Then louder, she started to ask him a question but stopped mid stream, not wanting to appear as if she were fishing for compliments. “John…. will you…”
“Will I still think you’re beautiful when you’re in treatment?” he asked, sensing where she was headed.
Again his hands were near her face, stroking her golden silky tresses, “Doc… baby, your beauty is about so much more than that incredible amazing face and those dazzling hazel eyes of yours, or this soft golden hair. It’s about who you are and the love we share, it’s about the children we have together, it’s about the way you love me, in spite of all my faults. And, you will *always* be beautiful to me, if you lose your hair, if your color’s off and you’re too sick to wear makeup, if you have more surgery…. Doc, none of that matters in terms of how much I love you and how much you mean to this….heart of mine. I love you lady, inside and out, and nothing will ever change that…”
Bursting into joyful tears, she tried to tell him what she meant though her breath was ragged from the power of her emotions, “Oh, John… you are just… the most… amazing, wonderful, loving man… and I am SO grateful for the time we’ve shared… and just.. for your love… for how you know… exactly what to say… when I most need to hear it… I love you SO!”
And I love you, my sweet beautiful lady… we’re going to make it, Doc…including this baby…” he replied, feeling a sense of pride and joy while running his hands over the firm roundness that was there now. Having gradually allowed himself to grow attached, he wanted their baby to live and was beginning to believe that both of his loved ones could be saved. “We’re going to make it. I know we are. I promise… I’m going to hold you and never let you go.”
She smiled and nodded, content to stare into liquid pools of blue, brimming with faith in the power of their love to conquer all odds. There was no more need for words. John wiped away her remaining tears with the pads of his thumbs and placed his right arm around her shoulders as they walked across the floor toward the back door. Together, they descended the stairs down to the lake and took a seat on the wooden swing built for two, content to watch their children playing happily on the climbing toys.
Carrie Brady-Reed was sitting behind the desk in her office, albeit restlessly, at Salem University Hospital, waiting for her husband. She was finally going to tell him what was going on inside her heart and mind, as he had been asking her to do. She’d had a considerable amount of time to think, and she was as ready as she’d ever be to confront the reality of their problems.
Thinking back, she realized she’d waited much longer than she should have, taking her sweet time in working up the courage for what was sure to be a painful conversation. Carrie was cognizant that she should have told him several weeks earlier, right after spending that special weekend on John and Marlena’s new yacht. It was wonderful…. having breakfast together, lounging around playing with the always delightful Belle and Brady, and most of all, talking with two people she loved dearly. John and Marlena were, in all ways that mattered, her parents, and they had been so loving and so supportive, trying to give her the benefit of their experience, which was very painful and had long lasting impact on their lives.
Her mind took her back to the conversation she’d had with Marlena… it was on a Saturday afternoon, when John was playing with the kids… They’d sat down to a cup of coffee in one of the staterooms. Carrie remembered thinking how remarkable her step mother really was, that she could be in the midst of such great personal turmoil and still focus all of her attention on the needs of someone else.
“Carrie… I know this is so difficult and the thought of hurting Austin by telling him about your feelings for Mike is very upsetting, but you know I’m speaking from experience here. If John and I had told Roman what was going on between us… we could have handled the whole situation so much better. We could have gone to counseling, we could have made the best decision for everybody, and most of all we could have saved all three of us a lot of misery. The pain that came from what we did lasted for years, Carrie…. years when all of us might have been happy.”
“I know… I know you’re right… but it’s easier to talk about it and think about it, then it is to come out and say it…. Austin… you know when I said those wedding vows… well I’m not sure I was ready when I said them… I have doubts about us.. oh and by the way, I think I might be in love with Mike Horton… “
Her step mother hadn’t judged her, she listened and held her hand when she needed it, saying softly, “Carrie… sweetheart, I didn’t say it would be easy…. I know it’s going to be the hardest choice you’ve ever had to make.. But think about what could happen if things keep moving along as they are…”
Carrie only sighed and nodded her head. Marlena was right. She knew from experience that if it went unspoken, the problems between Carrie and Austin would escalate, which would more likely drive Carrie into Mike’s arms and an affair could be the result. Ultimately, it could end with the ruination of her marriage, causing all three of the principles a lot of pain and embarrassment. “Alright, I’ll tell him… on Monday… I’m going to be honest with him about how I’ve been feeling, about everything that happened with Sami. And how I think we got married too quickly without dealing with all that had happened in the six months before. And most of all I want to tell him what it meant that he almost married Sami, even though he didn’t love her. I was so hurt by that Marlena…”
“I know you were… the whole ordeal was so hard on everyone… and what Sami did was inexcusable, Carrie… I haven’t forgotten that… and neither has anyone else. If Austin loves you the way he says he does, he’ll try to understand all that and even how you might have developed feelings for Mike while he was so occupied with Sami and Will. If he doesn’t, then that will be one indication that your marriage was premature.”
That was it, then… she knew what she had to do….It was best for the three of them if the truth were known. It would allow them to deal with it openly and honestly and come to some resolution… that they would stay together and try to work things out, or they would part ways, and she would move on with Mike Horton.
She blew out a long breath and reviewed in her mind, ‘Oh, Austin.. this isn’t going to be easy, honey…. Hearing about my feelings for Mike… and my doubts about us… but if we don’t talk about this… we could be headed for even more serious trouble, which no one wants.’ She took another deep breath, looking at her watch. It was almost noon, the time Austin planned to arrive.
Austin was tooling down the freeway in his newly repaired car and feeling nervous. Carrie sounded so serious when she called to ask him to come and meet her…. what could it be about? ‘Oh, Carrie… I know something’s been bothering you for quite awhile now…I hope it’s not… No, we’re still newlyweds for God sake…. Come on Ausitin, don’t be so insecure…. she’s not going to tell you it’s over. No, it must be something else,’ he finished, hoping he was correct.
It seemed an eternity before he arrived… Carried flashed a weak smile as her husband stepped inside her open door. “Hi, Austin… you’re right on time,” she said as cheerfully as she could muster.
“Yea… so what’s this all about, Carrie?” he asked, not able to settle down with common pleasantries.
Suddenly she froze, terrified of what might follow… “Uh, well, I’d really like to talk but I think we should leave the hospital to do it… how about going over to the park? It’s a nice fall day out, sun’s shining…”
“Sounds alright to me… I’ll buy you a chili dog..” he said, trying to cut the tension he felt emanating from his wife of less than six months.
“I haven’t had one of those for a long time… it sounds wonderful.”
“Alright then, let’s go.. ” he said, feeling a little better about what was happening. She seemed positive, more upbeat than she had in weeks. They walked in relative silence to the elevator and continued the same on the way down.
At last they were in the park and nearing a favorite bench. Taking a seat, neither one knew what to say. At last, it was Carrie who mercifully broke the silence, “Austin, there are so many things we need to discuss… but I’ll start with something we should have talked about months ago. Do you remember all those months before we got married… you were constantly with Sami, or if we were together, something always came up and you had to leave to go to her.. to play nursemaid.. whatever. “
“Yea, I remember… that must have been pretty rough on you…. I’m sorry I didn’t see through her lies and manipulation.”
He was acknowledging it, that was a good sign… ” I was so alone, Austin… I was so lonely and confused about what you wanted, what you needed… and I needed a friend. Mike was there.”
“What do you mean Mike was there?”
“I mean he cared about me and he listened to me, Austin. There was so much happening and whenever I needed someone, he was there for me.”
“So what are saying, Carrie… that I really haven’t been there for you and Mike has?”
“Back then yes…. and… with the way I was feeling on the day you almost married Sami… The truth is, I think we should have waited.”
Jealousy reared its head, causing him to sidestep the core issue of what was happening in their relationship at that time. “Carrie, are you trying to say that you’re in love with Mike Horton and not me? After all these years of fighting to be together, you mean to tell me you’ve fallen in love with another man?”
Rather than react defensively, Carrie remained very focused, saying quietly, “Austin… please try to calm down… we need to talk about this… You spent months with Sami, putting her and Will first… and after what she did to us… it made me sick to think she was using that baby all along, to keep you tied to her, when he was never your child at all!”
“Carrie… I thought we were getting past all anger and resentment towards Sami… but I can see that you’re not.”
“No… I’m not. You hurt me, Austin… so much but you couldn’t even see it and you were about to marry her when Eric and I found proof of what she had done to us. You hurt me so much…”
Shifting on the bench, Austin replied honestly, knowing she’d been hurt and that he’d been blinded because of his past, “I know that.. I was wrong, Carrie… I shouldn’t have let her run my life like that… and I’m so very sorry. I love you, Carrie… with all my heart and I want us to share our lives together… Don’t you want that too?” Austin asked, searching his wife’s face for the love she once felt for him.
It was so confusing and she knew her heart was divided, “Oh, Austin…I’m not sure… I think that I need… some time .. to sort things through. “
“What exactly are you saying, Carrie, do you want a divorce, a separation… what?”
“I don’t know…. I was thinking about some counseling, for the two of us… maybe it would help us… make some sense of how we could let Sami come between us the way she did, why we couldn’t communicate well enough that her lies and deception wouldn’t interfere in our relationship.”
“Counseling…you want to go to counseling… well tell me something Carrie, what’s that going to do about your feelings for Mike? Isn’t that what this conversation is all about… aren’t you really trying to tell me that you’re in love with him?”
“Austin…. I want to try to make this marriage work and I’ve been realizing lately that it hasn’t been… I’ve been turning to Mike more and more and that’s not right… I know that and I’m telling you so that we can do something about the problems we’re having.”
Austin cut to the chase, confronting her with his suspicions, “So, basically…you’re afraid you’re going to sleep with him.”
Again, she labored not to react the way he seemed to want her to, forcing herself to stay on topic, “No, Austin…I care a lot about Mike Horton… we’re just… friends now, but if you and I don’t do something… then yes, I guess I’m afraid of that. It’s the reason we’re here talking, Austin. I love you and I don’t want to betray my commitment to you. I want this marriage to work, if you do, but things have got to change.”
He gazed into her eyes and saw a since commitment to their love relationship. Taking her hands in his, he shared his sentiments, “You know I do, Carrie… I love you Carrie Reed….as much as I ever have… I want the marriage to work too…. And if you think going to counseling is the way to make sure that happens, then I’ll go.”
She smiled through her tears and the couple embraced warmly, gently wrapping their arms around each other, glad for the new level of intimacy and the willingness to make things better. It was not to say that life would become suddenly easier and her strong feelings for Mike would suddenly vanish, but if they both put their energies into working through the problems, rather than avoiding them, the marriage relationship could come out stronger for having confronted them. And if it didn’t, at least they would be making a conscious shared decision to end it, not because of an affair, but because they both realized it wasn’t right for them.
Crunch Time
She sat up in the bed, staring at the deceptively innocent looking IV bag containing the powerful chemicals that were slowly streaming into the vein in her right arm, spreading throughout her bloodstream, seeking out the cancer cells like a heat seeking missile relentlessly pursuing its target. She wondered just how accurate her liquid missiles might be, and how much damage there would be from the fallout…
Marlena looked up at her loving companion in silence, her teary eyes telling him all she couldn’t say with words. She was afraid, but she was determined to fight for her survival as well as the life of her unborn child. His were a misty blue, telling her he understood and that he would be right there, through everything…. Finally, he whispered it, taking her hand and bringing it toward his mouth for a soft kiss of comfort. “I wish it was me, Doc… I swear… I wish it was me lying there instead of you…. you don’t deserve this….”
With her free hand, she touched his face, and wiped a lone tear from the corner of his right eye, “No, John…. I don’t deserve it, but neither do you…. I love you for saying it, though… I know you feel helpless, honey… but you’re not… you’re helping me so much be by just being here with me, holding my hand….”
His voice crackled with a depth of pain and devotion to meeting her needs, to being her hero, “It’s true…. I’d do anything for you… and if there were only some foolproof way to save you from this… damn disease…. I’d go to the ends of the earth to find it… I love you so much, Marlena…. and I’m here…. I’ll be right here… no matter what.”
Smiling through her tears, she told him what that meant, “I know you will… and that’s why I agreed to it…for you…. and our baby…. all our babies… I’m going to win this fight, John…. We’re going to win it…”
He sighed and leaned in closer, wondering how it was that she could be so strong in the face of such adversity…. “Yea…. we are, pretty lady… we’re gonna win… “
They sat in relative silence for the rest of the morning, staring at four freshly scrubbed white walls and waiting, wondering how she would react to the chemotherapy regimen, and hoping it would be alright. The physicians decided that she should spend a good portion of the day in the hospital so that if anything out of the ordinary happened, emergency medical treatment could be initiated within seconds. John sat at her bedside and tried to relax while Marlena rested. He alternately sat holding her hand and pacing for something to do with his nervous energy. Finally, he gave it up and sat next to her, putting the rail down so he could lay his head next to her. Before he knew it, she was sleeping and he found himself dozing off as well.
He awakened with a start, the sound of someone groaning sending him into alarm mode. He knew that sound. It was happening. John found himself on a cot, pondered how that was… and then rapidly shook it off, nearly leaping to his feet. “Doc?” he questioned, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and racing to her side.
“Oh…. John… I’m going to be… “
He grabbed for the basin and held it ready, one hand around her shoulders, waiting. She looked at him, standing there, ready to help her and then she vomited, violently. It was almost projectile in nature, filling the basin, splashing all over his hand, his shirt and onto the bed sheets. When it was over, she started to cry….. and slumped back against the pillows, spent from the effort. There was little food in her system and the toll it took on her body was evident. “I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry… ” she cried over and over, sobbing almost like a child.
With his left hand, he smoothed the hair out of her face and wiped away a trickle of tears, speaking quietly, reassuringly, “Hey.. shh… there’s nothing to be sorry about… I’m okay…. I’m worried about you… are you alright, Doc… is the baby okay?”
She nodded but said nothing, her normally bright eyes dim and tired. John busied himself with taking the soiled sheet and blanket off of his wife, then wiped his hands, and headed for the bathroom to wash up. It was tantamount to torture… watching her suffer….and tears filled his eyes for what she would endure in the coming weeks, for the nausea, the possible loss of her beautiful hair…. the exhaustion and fear for herself and their unborn child. But he vowed that it would be okay in spite of all that. When she was worn out and weak, he would be strong for her, for both of them.
John divested himself of his dirty shirt, wiped the tears from his face and forced back his own fears. She would not see them; she would see a man who had the utmost confidence in her ability to survive and have a full recovery, after delivering a healthy baby. The agonizing fear of losing her and the concomitant salty moisture would only come when he was alone.
He was gone longer than she thought he might and she needed him so, “John… honey…. are you okay in there?”
“Yea…. I’m fine… sorry I took so long, ” he said stepping out of the bathroom, approaching her with a smile on his face…. “How are you doing?”
“Better… the nausea has settled.. a little bit…. ” she said, trying not to look as sick as she felt, a part of her wishing she could appreciate the fact that her amazingly sexy husband was no longer wearing a shirt.
John had a warm moist wash cloth in his hands which he gave to her. She used it to clean her face and wipe her mouth. Seeing that she was handling the situation, he decided it was best to alert the doctors, “Good… I’ll uh… just go get some more sheets and see if Mike and Sarah want to check on you… okay?”
“Sure…. I’ll be okay here. Thank you for being so….”
Leaning in to give her a quick peck on the cheek, he reminded her, “Hey, come on….you don’t need to thank me, Marlena… I love you… and there’s no place I’d rather be than with you.”
Weeping for different reasons, she whispered an affectionate reply, “I love you so….”
“Ditto… Now, sit tight and I’ll be right back, Doc… I really want Sarah to see you…. and check on the baby…”
Again, she nodded but said nothing, her hands instantly moving to cradle her rounded belly, her unspoken fears rising at his mention of their unborn child. Was it moving? She hadn’t noticed anything right away…. Oh, no!
She looked up and her husband was out the door… “John… honey?” she called out, the fear taking away her ability to project her voice so that he could hear it.
He was halfway down the hall to the nurse’s station when he sensed her anguish… ‘Something’s wrong,’ Calling out her name, “Marlena!” he turned and ran back to the room to see her holding her abdomen, her eyes wide open with terror.
“Doc… what is it… tell me… ” he said with tightly controlled fear, approaching her cautiously.
She was fighting back a tide of emotion herself, hoping against all hope that her worst fears about pursuing chemotherapy weren’t becoming a reality. “The baby…. it’s not moving…. Oh, John… I’m scared… ” There was a look in her eyes he’d never seen before. His wife was frightened beyond words, feeling helpless and nearly begging him to do something, to fix it. How he wished he could.
‘Oh God, Doc… I’m SO sorry!’ He didn’t say it… but she saw it in his frightened, guilt ridden eyes. If anything happened, he’d blame himself…This was his idea, he pushed her to agree…. Forcing back the wave of intense emotion that threatened to overwhelm him, John spoke with practiced calm, taking one of her trembling hands in his… “Marlena… it’s probably just sleeping.. you know that this baby is.. most active at night… I’m going to get Mike and Sarah….I know you’re scared, but please try not to worry too much…”
“Hurry…. John… please hurry… and tell them we need a monitor… now!” she cried, desperate to know that her baby was indeed alright and just resting as she had been moments earlier.
John nodded and ran for the door, speeding to the nurse’s station, blurting out an order, “Page Mike Horton and Sarah Bader… now! We think the baby could be in trouble….she can’t feel it moving… please!”
Knowing the situation and having been told to the do just as the patient’s anxious husband requested if there were any problem, the two nurses complied instantly… “Dr Horton, Dr. Bader… please come to the fourth floor nursing station… stat!
In what seemed like less than a minute, both doctors were on the scene and bursting into the room with all manner of equipment designed to assess the baby’s condition and position inside the womb. “What’s happening, John?” Mike asked, as Sarah worked to connect the mother to the monitoring equipment.
Stepping back so that the physicians could gain access, John gave a short answer, “The baby isn’t moving.. “
A few seconds later, the monitors were hooked up and an ultrasound in progress. “Well.. Momma appears to be doing quite well… and there’s a strong fetal heartbeat…. and from the looks of that picture…. your little one is… just waking up about now.. “
They spoke at the same time, “You’re kidding…. ” two pairs of hands moving toward the source of their fears to feel if indeed that were true.
“Nope…. I think you’ve got a real sleeper there…. while we’re here… would you like to know the sex?” Sarah asked the obviously relieved couple.
It was hard to absorb the good news so quickly…. both of them breathed a tremendous sigh of relief. John was at his wife’s side, holding her in the warm protection of his arms, and thanking God that everything was alright thus far… When he’d recovered his breath, he looked to her, saying, “Well, it’s up to the Mommy…. do you want to know, Doc?”
She hadn’t wanted to before… wanted it to be a surprise.. but suddenly it mattered. Marlena wanted to know who the child was, to have a better sense of him or her before the baby’s birth. She gazed adoringly at her husband, grateful for his loving supportive presence, willing to comply with her wishes all the way through. “Yes, I want to know… but only if you do…. “
“Yea…. let’s find out about our baby…. ” he said with a warm smile, touching her on the cheek, guiding her gaze toward the screen.
The doctor smiled…. pointing out what she saw… “Well, from the looks of that…. I’d say you’re going to have a healthy little boy.”
John almost fell over from the joyful shock of what he saw and heard. For a long while, he couldn’t connect with the pregnancy at all, couldn’t allow himself to care when it seemed he had to make a choice between mother and baby. In the past month or so… when they started to talk in terms of pursuing treatment, when they were more open and sharing everything… he’d begun to let himself feel something, to make a genuine connection with the child he had helped to create. “A boy! Did you hear that…. we’re going to have boy, Doc… can you believe it?” he asked, his blue eyes wide with a delight.
She sighed happily, “Oh, honey…. I’m so thrilled….. I know how much this means to you….for us to have a son and a daughter of our own…”
The look on his face made all the suffering pale in comparison to the elation she saw in the eyes of the man she loved. John was absolutely beaming…. tears falling softly from his sparkling blue eyes, as they formed in hers, “Oh, Marlena…. I love you… so much… and we’re gonna have a baby boy!” he said, taking her in his arms, filled with an overpowering sense of love and affection for his wife and child.
“Oh, my love…. I’m just so happy…. “
Mike smiled broadly, enjoying the sight. These two friends had endured more than a lifetime of pain and they deserved a long and happy future. He silently prayed they’d get it. “Well, I can see we’re not needed here any more, Sarah…. why don’t we let these two love birds take a couple of moments to themselves, and we’ll get Marlena ready to leave this place…Oh, and John… I’ll get you a spare shirt from some place…”
“Yes, that’s a good idea, Mike…” Sarah said nodding as a smile crept across her face also. ” John…Marlena.. everything looks great with the baby, but….you may still experience nausea and some of the other side effects we discussed; please let me know how it’s going over the next few days.”
They nodded automatically, but didn’t really acknowledge being spoken to, they were so enraptured by the turn of events. Marlena was still feeling sick and she was worried about what the future might hold, but this moment made it all seem worthwhile. Their child was doing okay so far…. and they could only hope that would continue to be the case. There was to be one, possibly two more treatments before the baby’s birth.
Mike and Sarah stepped out into the hall, Sarah saying, “Well, that worked out about as well as it possibly could have. John’s really starting to connect with the baby now. I’m so glad…”
“So am I…. and I pray for both of them, that nothing happens….”
Glancing into the room, Sarah agreed, “Me too….because I’m afraid if they lose that child now…. it just might break them… “
Mike peered through the door, and upon seeing them still looking at the ultrasound picture he said worriedly, “I know…. I was thinking the same thing, I just didn’t want to say it. They don’t deserve any of this…. ” he said, frustrated on the couple’s behalf. Life was so unfair sometimes.
Nodding, Sarah agreed and made a comparison that seemed to be on everybody’s mind lately. “Abe and Lexie keep saying the same thing…. here she’s in great health and has this text book pregnancy, no complications whatsoever… She feels so guilty about it… and wishes she could share the experience with Marlena.”
Mike nodded, heaving a weary sigh, “I know…it’s been so hard on the friendship. Abe said they haven’t been out together as a foursome since everyone found out about the cancer. It’s just too awkward…”
“Maybe that will change soon…. if the chemo goes they way we think it will. ” Sarah said, trying to sound a little more cheerful.
“Yes…. Sarah… do you really think it was the right thing to do, now…?” Mike said as they finally turned and headed toward the nurse’s station to write the discharge orders.
“Yes, I do…. I truly believe that if she waited, she’d be in serious trouble. Mike, you know that Marlena has a fast growing cancer…. and so far, she’s lucky because it’s confined to the surrounding tissue. Starting treatment now was critical to her chances for long term survival.”
Sitting down to finish up his charting, Mike agreed, “I guess you’re right.. you couldn’t wait any longer. I just hope it works out all the way around. God knows they deserve some lasting happiness.” Sarah sighed and said no more as she sat down next to him to write a note of her own for John and Marlena to take with them, delineating the side effects which might indicate a significant problem.. She could only pray and hope for the best results.
Questions, Frustrations and Fatigue
She looked up at the inviting front entrance to their lakeside house… and sighed with warm anticipation… ‘Home….. we’re home again…. thank God!’ she thought as the fatigue and achiness descended in full force. ‘I can’t wait to fall into bed…’
“How are you feeling, Doc?” John asked, sensing what might be happening, as he carefully guided her toward the front door, handling her as if she were a china doll that might break.
Slightly irritated with him, but not understanding why, she backed him off, brushing his arms aside and opening the door herself, “John… I’m fine…. and just for the record, that’s the tenth time you’ve asked me since we left the room at the hospital.”
He grinned sheepishly…”Oh, sorry… I uh… guess I’m overdoing it a bit, huh?”
She softened….how could she resent such loving attentiveness….She turned to face him as he entered the foyer. “Oh, maybe a little bit… but I thank you for it. I think it’s sweet… “
“Sweet… okay… yea, I guess I can be sweet…”
Her eyes narrowed, catching a hint of something in his that she wished she could fully respond to, “But not innocent…. “
“Oh no….. never that..” he said with a lusty laugh… “Fact, if you’re up to it later, I could show you just how *un* innocent I can be…”
She shook her head to make it very clear.. “I might like that… but right now…”
“You need to get some rest… yesiree…. rest it is….” he said and swept her off her feet without warning.
“John… you do not need to carry me.. I am *not* an invalid….”
Her tone was so fiery he put her down instantly and spoke apologetically, “I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean anything by it….. I was just…” He sighed…. “Oh never mind….”
“No, John…. I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have snapped at you… you were being wonderful… it’s just this whole experience leaves me feeling so powerless…. and when you do something like that… it makes me feel worse… but it was…”
He shrugged, apologizing with his baby blues…. “Sweet…”
“Yes…. we’re back to that… So, why don’t you be sweet and fix me some tea… while I climb into the tub…”
He smiled… pleased to be able to do something to make her feel better. It was such a helpless feeling, being the one who was well… watching someone face a powerful illness like cancer, “Of course, Doc… I love you… “
“And I love you…. so much… I’m really sorry.. I’m just on edge and feeling lousy…forgive me?” she questioned.
Leaning in to give her a hug and a light kiss on the cheek, he discounted the need for such, “I know you are…. and there’s nothing to forgive, Doc… honest… I understand.”
“Thank you, honey… “
“Welcome, now scoot…. make yourself comfortable and I’ll bring that tea right up to you.” She smiled warmly and headed slowly up the stairs…. feeling strangely grateful for the challenges they had already faced, their relationship having grown stronger for having been tested. Hopefully, it would prepare them for the difficulties they had yet to face.
Upon entering the kitchen, John found himself bombarded by questions…. from a chorus of two little voices, Chelsea sitting nearby on the back porch.
“Daddy…. you’re home… is Mommy okay…. does she have nausea….”
“What’s nausea…. does that mean she’s sick to her tummy, Daddy?” asked Belle.
“Yea… did she lose her hair… I think I’d be real sad if I lost my hair… but Billy said it’s really cool!”
That surprised Belle.. “He did… well Mommy doesn’t… she was crying the other day when I was taking a bath in the big tub… I heard her… she’s real scared about it…. “
“Daddy.. what do you think…. do you think it would be cool if Mommy lost her hair?” Brady asked, looking for confirmation of one theory or the other.
Belle was fixed on her mother’s reaction, wanting to know what to do to help. “Why is she scared…. does it hurt when you lose your hair Daddy?”
It was slightly overwhelming, but he realized the source of their questions… “Woah..woah….. slow down kids…Daddy can’t keep up… I guess this means you two are feeling a little bit left out lately huh?” John said, lowering himself by putting his hands on his knees and leaning forward slightly.
“Yea…. how come you didn’t talk to us this time?” Brady said, having been the one designated to question it.
“Well we didn’t want to worry you… we thought it was bad enough for you to know Mommy was sick…. “
Brady plowed forward…. needing answers…. “Daddy.. what’s chemo….. I heard you say that word before…. but I don’t understand it.”
Belle was confused… because it seemed like both things made her feel bad… “Me neither….does it make Mommy feel sick… or will it make her all better from being sick?”
“Well, you guys are just full of questions… tonight.. aren’t you?” John said, marveling at their forthright approach to the difficult situation. Marlena’s influence no doubt…
They nodded in unison and then once again, his son was the one to announce their perspective, “Yea, Daddy…. Belle and me need to understand better so we can help you take care of Mommy. We’re a team, aren’t we? Isn’t that what you told us before? when you first came back home to live with us?”
He shook his head, amazed at the accuracy of recollection and their insights…. “Yes, I did say that and you’re right… I’m sorry… sometimes Mommy and Daddy get so wrapped up in our own problems and the decisions we have to make that we forget to include you two. Okay… so how would you like it if we all sat down later tonight and had a little talk. Would that help?”
Two little heads were nodding again and then Belle spoke for both of them, having remembered something that was very important in her mind, “Yes Daddy…. and then can we have story hour? You haven’t read us stories in a long time…”
It made him smile with pleasure and anticipation… Reading bedtime stories had always been a very cozy tender time for the four of them….and it would help them all to feel that some parts of their lives could go on as normal, something they desperately needed during such uncertain times. “Okay, it sounds like a deal to me… Right now, your Mommy is taking a bath…. so how about if you two go make her a welcome home card…. I bet that would make Mommy feel really special.”
“Yea… I’ll make one with lots of hearts on it… cause that means love!” said Belle excitedly.
“Me too… but I’m gonna make mine blue… cause that’s Mom’s favorite color!” Brady exclaimed.
“Hearts are supposed to be red, Brady… sides… Mommy only said that cause blue is *your* favorite color!”
His face scrunched into an uncertain frown, the boy argued, “Huh uh… Mom says blue’s her favorite color too… and I’ll prove it when we give her the cards, so there!”
Watching his children scamper off to find the art supplies, John smiled with fatherly pride. Two wonderfully normal, amazingly loving children. He was blessed… and if God saw fit, there would soon be another member of the Black household. ‘A boy….. we’re going to have a boy… oh, Marlena…’
A thought struck him; it was awfully quiet up there… Was the water even running? In near panic mode, John rushed up the stairs to check on her. Half way to the bathroom, he spotted her. She hadn’t made it that far…. she was asleep on the bed, half dressed. She must have tried to make herself ready for the bath and been so exhausted she laid down for a moment, and then went out instantly. Wearing only her blouse and underclothes, Marlena seemed almost angelic, like the Madonna in repose.
Careful not to wake her, John sat at her side for a moment or two, watching her sleep, thankful for her presence in his life, grateful to have been given a second chance with her. Gently his right forefinger traced her jaw line, as he memorized the peaceful expression on her face at rest. ‘Oh, pretty lady…. you are so… beautiful…. and I love you so much…. we’re gonna beat this thing… I’ll fight it with you…. I’ll fight it to my last breath…. ‘
His eyes fell to her swollen belly, his mind on the other person they had to fight for…. their tiny son… Sighing worriedly, he thought about how he sometimes longed for another son, to share a pregnancy with her…. but they hadn’t shared it yet, not really… their focus was never on enjoying the fact that together they would soon be bringing another life into the world. That was about to chance, he determined. He wished there were no worries at all, but they’d spent enough energy on things over which they had no control. It was time to focus on the happy, positive aspects of their life together, rather than the fear of what they could lose. “When you’re up to it, we’re going to have some fun…. I promise….” he told her quietly as he snuggled up closer, his left hand resting lightly on her tummy.
Unexpectedly, he felt something move and it made him jump, startling her awake slightly. He put his hand where he felt the movement and it happened again. It was a kick, a strong one at that and the mother to be, opened her eyes… “That little guy just won’t let me sleep… reminds of another little boy I know..” she said shifting to lie flat on her back.
“Hey… so he’s good at waking you up too… ” he said, winking at her with a hint of his desire, then letting it drop. Sex was probably the last thing on her mind at the moment.
“I guess I didn’t quite make it to the tub huh?” she said, trying to sit up, wiping the sleep from her eyes.
His hands lightly guided her to lie back down, sensing her thought that she shouldn’t be sleeping so much… “Nope….you’re tired… so rest.. the kids and I will hold down the fort…. “
“I bet… where are they?” she asked, aware that she hadn’t seen them for a day and a half now. She missed them.
“Oh, working on a little project… they’ll probably come racing up those stairs any minute now.. and before they do…. I better tell you… Doc, they uh… they bombarded me with questions when we came in… I think they’re feeling left out of the loop again. Are you up to talking with them about the chemo… and the side effects?” John asked, apologizing without saying the words.
She closed her eyes and struggled against the tears that seemed to lie in wait for her. Finally, she nodded and replied, “Of course…. we shouldn’t leave them to wonder… but maybe I should get some sleep, John.. and we can talk later..”
“Sure honey.. let me help you get comfortable….” he said, reaching in to help her with her shirt and bra…. his hands about to unfasten a button.
“No, it’s okay.. really, John… I can manage… ” she said rather curtly, moving his fingers out of the way.
“But I…. alright fine… I’ll just leave you alone then… ” he said, rising from the bed, trying not to but sounding hurt nonetheless.
Marlena pushed out a heavy sigh… which stopped him. “John… I’m sorry…. I know you want to take care of me…. and I love you for it… but I need to do as much as I can for myself…. this disease… it tries to take control…. I need to take it back… can you try to understand that?”
He nodded… but didn’t turn toward her, standing perfectly still in the frame of their bedroom door.
“Honey…. it’s okay… tell me….. look at me…”
His head shook slightly, but he didn’t say anything…. Finally, her husband spoke, his voice giving off a hint of his conflicting emotions…. “I’m uh.. just going to go on downstairs and check on the kids…. you get as much rest as you need… we’ll be fine…”
“John… ” she said, her voice tinged with exasperation and a desire to make things right.
He waved at her with the back of his hand and exited the bedroom, closing the door and saying, “See you later, Doc… love you…”
She sighed wearily, as she watched him leave, deciding to let the issue drop for the time being, repeating back his parting words, “I love you too…. ” John was scared and he too was fighting for control… and his way was to pamper her, to anticipate her every need. In the process, he was smothering her. It was something they had to discuss…. and what else? Marlena was so tired that her eyes wouldn’t stay open… she barely succeeded in removing her bra and putting a nightgown over her worn out body before she slipped under the covers….
A Trip To The Zoo
It was a perfect Autumn day, the sun shining bright in the soft blue sky, the leaves just beginning to turn. John was up, already showered and ready for a pleasant day with his wife and two little munchkins, if she was up to it, that is.
As he labored valiantly over a hot stove to make her a well rounded breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and toast to go with the fresh fruit he’d cut up, he heard the now familiar sounds of her groaning. Maybe it was the smell and maybe it was just the chemo, it didn’t matter. He came out of the kitchen to see her rushing toward the bathroom off the foyer, but it was evident she wasn’t going to make it.
She vomited all over the floor, some falling on the carpet, some on the tile flooring. And then, while he stood there dumbstruck, she essentially collapsed onto the cool tile and started to cry, embarrassed, frustrated, and exhausted from the ordeal that started less than twenty four hours earlier. “I’m sorry…. I couldn’t make it… I tried, John… I really tried.”
“Hey…. shh…. it’s alright…I’ll clean it up…. I’m more concerned with how you’re doing. Are you okay, Doc?” he said as he kneeled down next to her.
“Just help me stand up…..and I’ll go get washed up… then I’ll clean…”
“Sure, Doc… but you don’t need to worry about…” he started to say while assisting her in reaching her feet.
“Daddy…..come quick….. there’s a fire!” screamed a chorus of terrified little voices.
That made Marlena cry even harder and John raced back toward the stove to see his almost perfectly cooked bacon going up in flames. Thinking quickly, he reached under the sink for the fire extinguisher and swiftly doused the fire. But it was too late, the smoke had reached the sensitive smoke alarms which broadcast a shrill sound to every part of their home.
At a loss for words, John started to laugh…. and so did the kids. “So anybody like their bacon on the extra crispy side?” he teased, gesturing toward the charred remains in the smoking frying pan. Some of the tension having faded, Marlena, who had made her way toward the kitchen to see how bad a disaster they faced, laughed a hearty belly laugh and suddenly felt a whole lot better. Several minutes later, windows having been opened and fans having been turned on, the mess having been cleaned up, the four of them sat down to breakfast on the deck, minus the alarms, minus the bacon.
Trying to put a positive spin on their so far disastrous Saturday morning, Marlena said, “Come to think of it… that bacon was much too fatty anyway, John… maybe it’s an omen.”
“Oh, yea?”
“Yes… and besides that, it might have made me throw up….”
He chuckled, pleased she could make light of a serious subject. It was a good sign. “Oh, now we simply can’t have any more of that, now can we?”
“Definitely not… right Mommy?”
“Right!” she said with more enthusiasm than she felt for a couple of weeks.
“So… now that we have the crises handled… what are we going to do on this fine Fall day?” asked John, eager to find something fun to do.
There was no hesitation on Brady’s part, “Um… how about the zoo?”
“Funny, I thought *this* was the zoo…” John said, and they all laughed again.
“Mommy…. are you feeling a little better now?” asked Belle, pleased to see a smile on her mother’s face.
“Yes, honey I am…. and if you two want to ask me those questions, I’ll be glad to do my best to answer them.”
They looked over at their Daddy, who had suggested that maybe in a day or so she would be ready. He shook his head slightly…. as if to say, ‘Not now.. maybe later on.’
“Um… well, actually…. we just want to have fun today… is it okay if we talk later?” said Brady, taking cues from his father quite nicely.
She smiled, having seen the exchanging glances. “Yes, it certainly is…. I’d love us to have a day when we don’t talk about the cancer at all. Sounds like today is the day.”
“Your wish is our command, right guys?” John said, setting the tone for the day.
A resounding, “Right!” was their only reply.
“I think the zoo is just the perfect thing for us to do…. I like the snakes and bugs the best!” John exclaimed, knowing precisely the reaction he would get to his statement.
“Me too!” agreed Brady with enthusiasm.
“Eeew!” squealed Belle in horror, huddling in her mother’s protective arms. Marlena smiled and winked at her husband, realizing just what he was doing for her, taking the focus as far away from sickness as possible. “Belle, honey… you and I can go look at the birds… and the… monkeys… while they go see all those yucky things.”
“Yea…. I hate bugs… and snakes and all the other creepy things.”
“Well, the creepier they get, the better we like em… huh Brady?” said John, lunging toward his little girl, tickling at her neck.
“Yea, Daddy…. I really like the creepy stuff, like spiders….” he said, reaching over to tickle his little sister… when she wasn’t looking at him.
She yelped and ran away, toward the bedroom… Brady giving chase.. “I’m a big old spider and I’m going to get you, Belle…. “
“No.. no I hate spiders even more!!” she shrieked.
In companionable silence, John and Marlena watched their children at play. When the sounds of laughter faded, Marlena reached over and took her husband’s right hand in both of hers, bringing it to her mouth for a soft kiss. His eyes said, ‘What was that for?’ and then she spoke to him.
“Thank you, John…. “
“For what?”
“You know what I’m talking about honey…. you’re so wonderful.”
He played innocent, “Aw shucks ma’am…. you’re making me blush.”
“John, I’m serious… you knew that I was feeling like the only thing we ever focus on anymore is the fact that I have cancer… and that I needed a little fun and lightness…. and so you’re giving it to me. And you even have the kids trained.”
“What….” he said with a wink and a sly smile.
“I saw that little eyebrow action. And you already had the zoo outing planned, didn’t you?”
His raised his right hand, smiling as he replied honestly, “Guilty as charged. Cooler’s all packed. I wanted to do something fun today… they chose the zoo… if you want to do something else, I’m sure they’ll be fine with it. They just want to see you happy, Doc. That’s what we all want.”
“What about you….”
She was much too sharp…. “What about me?” he asked, wondering what he’d done to stimulate such a question.
“Don’t you deserve to be happy too?”
“I am…I’m happy just seeing you smile… and laugh about me burning the bacon.”
“John….you talk a good story, but your eyes tell me differently. You’ve been hiding your pain lately….for my benefit.. it’s taking a strain on you.”
He shrugged her off, starting to clear the plates from the table, saying without meeting her gaze, “No.. really I’m fine, Doc…. “
She watched him pad across the kitchen floor, waiting patiently for his return. He wouldn’t look at her. Grasping his forearm as he started to make another trip, she said seriously, “John… I know that you’ve been getting up in the middle of the night… you’ve been having nightmares again. And sometimes, I wake up and you’re sitting there just… staring at me with tears in your eyes… what’s it all about?”
Gently extricating himself, he denied her concerns, and avoided the subject altogether, “Nothing…. now come on… this is supposed to be a fun day…. I don’t want to go there right now, okay?”
“But John… you’re so tired…so tense.”
“I’m alright… really… now come on… let’s get ready for a day at the zoo.”
“Okay… but we’ll talk about this later.”
Leaning in for a kiss, he said, “Much…. later..”
His tongue moved so masterfully inside her mouth, that she wished they could stay that way all day….”Mmm….. or maybe we won’t talk at all….”
“Sounds even better…. you know…. every time we take the kids to the zoo… they uh…. get so worn out they crash before eight o’clock rolls around. Especially if we make sure we go to every single building.”
“Honey…”The look on her face told him she wasn’t up to that…. not if he wanted her to be wide awake when the kids fell asleep.
Guiding her toward the stairs, he apologized for not remembering how easily she tired these days. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking…. we’ll just take it one step at a time. And if there’s some wearing out to do, you can sit and read a book while I do the deed. How’s that?”
“Sounds perfect honey…. I really do love you, you know..”
“And I *really* do love you!” he said in a powerful whisper as he went to embrace her, his eyes filled with a kind of fierce protective love, as if his love alone could keep her alive, could win the battle she was fighting for her life.
The intensity of it frightened her. And she wondered in some strange moments of detachment, how he could ever survive if she died. It had been some weeks since their friend Abe Carver told her what John had said the night he learned of her cancer diagnosis. His words and the look on Abe’s face as he related their heated conversation, came back to her from time to time and it worried her. “Oh, Dear God… whatever happens to me…please watch over the man that I love…. and help him to take care of my children…. my sweet beautiful babies… including this little one inside me now.”
Three and a half hours later, they were sitting in the Lion’s Den Cafe…. eating a light snack…. the kids running in and out of what used to be old lion cages. They were having a ball and it brought tears to Marlena’s eyes, tears John misinterpreted. “Hey.. honey… what’s wrong….” he said, reaching out with the tips of his fingers to wipe them away.
“Nothing… ” She shook her head and said nothing further.
“Then why are you crying?” he asked worriedly, examining her face closely.
“It’s just so wonderful to be with you here…. sharing this family day… I’m so happy we came…”
“Me too…. they sure are having a good time….” John said, glancing over at their children. They were pretending to be big cats, growling and snarling at each other through the bars.
“Yes… kids are so…lucky…”
He was nodding, and a wistful sigh escaped his lips, “Carefree….. sometimes I envy them….. do you?”
She agreed cautiously, “Sometimes….”
“Like now…. tell me what you’re thinking, Doc…. you keep everything inside…. talk to me…”
“Oh, John… it’s just that… I want more… I want so much more of this.. simple days at the zoo… the park… the backyard at our house… ” There were tears of sadness in her eyes, as if she believed that might not be the case.
Taking her hands in his, John tried to bolster her confidence, as well as his own, “I know you do…. and you’re going to have em, Doc… I swear it…. you’re going to have a long lifetime of days just like this.”
There it was again, his refusal to deal with the fact that he had no power to make her wishes come true. “John….. you can’t make those kind of promises…. you’re not in control…of what happens to me, any more than I am. You have to face that, John…. we both do…”
“No… no….. you are *not* going to die, Marlena…. I will not lose you to this… disease! Our love… is so strong, Doc… and we’re going to win this fight… we’re going to beat it!”
“Stop it, John….I didn’t want to do this here…. but I’m telling you for your own sake and mine.. you have to find a way to come to terms with this. I have cancer, just like Isabella did… and it could kill me… and there is nothing you personally can do about that. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you have to face reality, John, and you have to do it soon… because… watching you…. struggle…in such unspoken agony… it’s tearing me apart.”
He got up without saying a word to her…. shaking his head, obviously fighting back a torrent of pent up emotion, mostly consisting of the fear he thought he’d been hiding fairly well in recent weeks. Clearly he hadn’t been and that alone was unsettling. John wanted to shield her from his suffering; failure meant he’d been adding to her burden. Here she was worrying about him again, and that was the last thing he wanted.
Just then the kids came bouncing over to the table. Seeing their father leaving hastily, Brady asked about it, “Mommy… where is Daddy going?”
“Yea… he looks upset… I thought this was supposed to be a fun day,” added the ever observant Belle.
“Oh, honey… Daddy just needs a little time to himself…. he’s going to take a walk…. we’ll just go on over to see the Polar bears like we planned and Daddy can catch up with us… okay?”
“Yea… I love the Polar Bears!” exclaimed both of her cherubs as they bounded off in the direction of the Salem Zoo’s latest and greatest accomplishment, a new habitat for the big white bears.
“God, please be with John right now…. help him begin to face this…. help him find a way to let go…. before it destroys him…”
‘How could she talk about her life like that…. so clinically…. as if she were talking about a stranger…. maybe that was it. He had his defenses and she had hers too… hers was to remain detached; maybe that was her own brand of denial. Or maybe she was facing it… maybe she had been dealing with reality from the very beginning and had already come to terms with the possibility of death.
It was overwhelming to think of life without her….’No.. I won’t do it, Doc.. I don’t care what you say…. I won’t let myself think about that… you aren’t going to die…. I just know it! God couldn’t possibly be so cruel as to take the only two women I have ever truly loved. He just couldn’t!
A few minutes into his walk, John was once again vowing to do a better job of protecting and caring for his wife. She would not see his pain…. and therefore, she would be able to focus on the good things life had to offer them, for however long it lasted. ‘Come on, Black… this is supposed to be a fun day.. let’s keep it that way!’
As he entered the newest building on the zoo grounds, he searched for his family and spotted them almost immediately, his two little ones with their noses pressed to the huge glass tank, utterly captivated by the movements of the large white animals. Marlena stood with one arm around each of them, almost equally enraptured, apparently enjoying their excitement even more than her own. It was a pleasant scene he wanted to burn into his memory. She was living in the moment, something he learned to do with Isabella, but seemed to have forgotten this time around.
Taking a deep breath, he internally spoke the words he told himself back then, suppressing the fear that wanted to creep up and swallow him whole… ‘Okay… that’s it, John… that’s what you’ve gotta do… live in the moment… it’s what you have… don’t miss it!’
“So… it’s the polar bears… pretty cool, huh guys?” he said rather cheerfully as he stepped up behind them.
The three of the whirled in unison to face him. Marlena smiled warmly and the kids exclaimed with glee, “Daddy…. you came back!”
He smiled and nodded his head in affirmation, “Yes I did… I came back to my senses…. and I realized that I don’t want to miss one *second* of being with my three favorite people in the whole wide world. These are special times and we should share them together.”
Marlena nodded her head as the tears welled up in her hazel eyes, her voiced touched with emotion, “Yes… yes we should.”
John wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, sighing as he felt her relax into the embrace. “I love you, pretty lady…. and I promise.. I’m gonna do the best I can to do what you’re doing…. live in the moment…. it’s something I learned with… Izzy B… and I’m sorry that I forgot about it.”
“It’s okay, John…. it’s okay…. we’ll just take it…. one day at a time…. I love you so…..” she said, gazing up at him adoringly, a few of her tears trickling down her cheeks.
Carefully, he brushed them away with his outstretched fingertips as he winked at her and said, “Okay… now enough of this weepy stuff… it’s time to have some fun!”
She nodded and was about to respond in kind, but further conversation was interrupted by a shouting Brady and Belle, “Daddy…. come here… look… see the baby polar bear!”
“Isn’t he cute?”
“Yea…. he really is…. but not cuter than you two…. ” John said with a sweet smile on his face as he prepared to join them at the next viewing area. He shot a quick glance back at Marlena who told him without words that she would be right behind them.
Marlena was the one hanging back this time, watching as John snuggled up to the children, giving them his full attention, explaining some of what he knew about the large creatures they so admired. Times like these were what life was all about and she planned on treasuring every moment with the ones she loved.
An hour or so later, they were at the playground area in the middle of the zoo grounds, the kids climbing on life sized replicas of some of the animals they’d seen, and their parents sitting on a bench watching them with pride and joy.
Realizing that she had waited long enough to broach the subject, she took advantage of the moment alone. “John… about earlier… do you understand what I was trying to say?”
“Yea…. I guess so… it’s just…so hard, Marlena… and I keep….” Again the images popped in his head, pictures of Isabella as she was dying, that somehow transformed themselves.. becoming images of Marlena suffering a similar fate.
“Remembering… I know, John… I’ve thought about this a lot and I want to make a suggestion to you… I know that when you first hear it… you’re not going to like it so I want you to agree to at least think about it for me.”
Searching her eyes, he wondered what it might be. Seeing that she was imploring him to agree, he did, “Alright…. I will.”
“John… I got a call the other day….. from a woman I used to work with out a Bayview…. she heard about my cancer from a mutual acquaintance… honey, she told me about a place in town… it’s called the Victory Center….’
“And… “
“John it’s a place for people who are battling cancer and their families….they have classes and all kinds of programs on nutrition, relaxation, exercise..”
Already he was shaking his head, the hairs on his neck standing up… “I think I know where this is leading…. Doc, and I’m not…”
Even knowing he would react this way, she couldn’t hold back her frustration with him, “John…just listen to me! They have a breast cancer support group there. I’m going to start attending the one for the patients…. but there’s also one for the spouses. John most of them are men…just like you… not used to talking in a group… whose common bond is that their wives are fighting the battle of their lives… and they go to talk about what it’s like to be the one who can only… stand back and watch…. I know it’s not your thing… but John, I really believe you need it, honey.”
“I don’t know, Doc….”
She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. The pressure was just too great and through quivering lips, her voice shaky with the power of her previously hidden worries, she shared her innermost feelings, “John…. I have to focus…. almost all of my energy… no, I have to put all of my heart and soul…. into fighting this disease… and keeping my baby healthy so that I can stay with you and the children for decades to come. I can’t…..worry.. about you! God only knows how hard it is…. for me to admit that to you…. So I am *asking*……for me and more importantly for yourself… I want you to go, John…. go some place where you can express what this is doing to you…. share your pain with them and listen to theirs… and together… we’ll fight this battle.”
His wife was literally trembling with her concern for him. His pain was hurting her more than he ever could have imagined, and he wept in empathy, “Oh, Doc… I’m sorry… all this time… I’ve been… trying so hard… to shield you from how I felt… but it’s pretty clear that I’ve failed… over and over again I’ve failed…. I’m *so* sorry.” He pulled her into a firm embrace, willing her to feel the sincerity of his sorrow for that failure, and to fully experience the depth of the love he felt for her.
Still weeping, she continued to elaborate her thoughts on the issue, “No, honey… please don’t apologize. I’m just saying… I can’t… be there for you…. not the way…. you might like me to be… and I can’t…help you… with the special kind of anguish you’re suffering.”
Stupidly, he tried to shift directions, wiping at her tears with the pads of his thumbs…”Hey… I’m alright… I can… handle it. It’s you we should be concerned about here.”
Her voice raised, she tugged out of his light grasp and nearly shouted at him, “John, stop denying it!” then softened when she realized she was calling attention to them. ” I know that every time you look at me… every time we walk into the doctor’s office… or even go anywhere near the oncology unit… you see Isabella wasting away…. and just like you did then.. you feel so powerless… but you’re not, John, you’re not powerless. What you can do for me…. is to get help for yourself…. do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
Finally, heaving a heavy sigh, he relented, nodding his head in acknowledgement. She was almost desperate to get him to agree. He couldn’t let her down again, no matter how foreign it seemed. “Yea… I do…and you’re right Marlena. Okay, I’ll go…”
At last a faint smile began to spread across her lips, “Good… the next group is tomorrow night. The patient’s group goes on at the same time as the spouse’s group. It’s at 7:00pm.”
“Hey, nothing like jumping right in there…”
“The sooner the better, John.”
“John, they also have social workers who can talk with you and I, or the kids one on one or as a family. There is a kids group also. I think maybe we should take them too.”
“Why not…. okay… Doc, let’s make it a family affair. I’m not promising I’ll go every week… but I will make an effort to see what you see in it… fair enough?”
“Yes it is… just keep an open mind to how it can help, John… that’s all I ask of you.”
“Alright… then it’s settled. We go tomorrow.” She smiled and hugged him tight, saying, “Oh, John… honey thank you…thank you so much…. you won’t regret this, I promise.”
“I’ll hold you to that, my lovely lady…..”
“Please do…. just hold me, John…just keep on holding me.”
He squeezed her hand, “I will… I’ll never let you go, Doc….we’re in this thing together…. every single step of the way.”
“I know…. that’s what keeps me going, John… knowing that you’re by my side.”
As their eyes locked in a loving embrace that said, ‘I will love you until the end of time and beyond,’ and their faces moved closer as if preparing for a kiss to seal the moment, two little voices interrupted once again.
“Can we go get ice cream now?”
They smiled at each other, and John winked as if to tell her there would be plenty of time for kissing, among other things… later on, when the kids fell to sleep early, as planned.
For the kids benefit, he finally answered their question with one to his wife, “What do you say Doc… are you up to walking back over to the Lion’s Den or should we go get it and bring it back here to eat it?”
“I’m fine, John… really, I’m up to walking, I’ve only had one chemo treatment, and I’m doing just fine.. so please stop your fussing over me,” she said as she stood up. However, as soon as she had her feet under her, Marlena seemed to collapse, her eyes starting to roll back in her head. John caught her as she sagged and eased her back down onto the bench. She was out cold. As their children whimpered in the background, he gently repositioned her onto her back and began to check her out, mentally reviewing the ABC’s of cardio pulmonary resuscitation.
Lightly slapping her cheeks, he began to panic when she didn’t come around right away, “Doc… oh, no Doc… don’t do this, baby.. please don’t do this!”
When I Think About Love
Becoming frantic, John carefully held his wife by her slender shoulders, pleading with her to awaken, “Oh come on baby… don’t do this…. come back to me…. please, Doc..”
At last he was rewarded with a welcome sight. Her eyelids began to flutter and then finally they stayed open. She peered up at him, obviously confused. “John?”
“Oh, thank God!” he whispered, nearly breathless with anxiety and the relief of seeing her gorgeous eyes gazing up at him. “Are you okay, Marlena…. ” he asked, looking her over like a physician would, but feeling the fear of a loving husband who briefly despaired of losing her.
She took a quick inventory…both of herself and the little person in the making. “I… I think so… what happened?” she asked, bewildered and taking notice of his concern.
“I don’t know… you stood up and all of a sudden you went out on me… how are you feeling now?”
Sitting up with his help, she sounded a little more certain of herself, “I’m fine…. maybe it was just the quick change from sitting to standing.. my blood pressure dropped and I felt faint.”
John watched her closely, his gaze narrowing as he assisted her in rising to a standing position; she was apparently a little shaky yet. “Are you sure, Doc… because if….”
She lightly grasped his forearm, and mustered a reassuring smile, “Honey, I’m alright… really. Now, let’s say we go and get that ice cream we were talking about,” she said rather cheerfully, stabilizing herself and looking toward the children who were worried, and therefore had remained silent while their Daddy tended to Mommy.
As she turned her attention to their little ones, there was a look in her eyes that told him not to argue, but the incident was unsettling nonetheless. There was a chance that there could be more to it than she was letting on and John didn’t want to dismiss it so quickly.
The kids settled it for him. “I’m real glad you’re okay now, Mommy and we’ll walk real slow, right Belle?” Brady asked, not needing an answer.
The tiny blond, who was a ringer for her mother was enthusiastic in her affirmation, “Yea… we’ll take it nice and easy… like Daddy says we should, cause of the baby.”
With Belle to her left and Brady on her right, Marlena took their hands and went off in the direction of the Lion’s Den Cafe. John stood back for a moment, watching them and wondering. Letting out an apprehensive sigh, he decided to let it go for the time being, ‘Okay, Doc… I’m going to trust that you know what you need…. I just hope you’re not putting up some sort of a front for me and the kids.’
Ten minutes later, they were sitting at a table for four in one of the biggest cages eating hot fudge sundaes, all smiles when Marlena leaned over to whisper in John’s ear. His eyes hadn’t left her since she had her little fainting spell. “I’m *okay,* John… so would you kindly stop hovering over me like a mother hen…”
He shrugged, flashed her an endearing grin and whispered right back, “Just call me Cluck cluck……”
She shook her head. “What am I going to do with you?”
Checking to make sure the kids were focused on something other than their parents, John prepared for a heated exchange. The expression on his face could be best be described as a sensuous leer, “I uh… have some suggestions if you’re feeling up to it.”
Batting her eyelashes, she licked her lips and said, “I’m sure you do, but you know.. in this fragile condition of mine…. I’m not sure that it’s wise for me to…. carry on so to speak.” When she finished her hands were on her rounded belly, her eyes dancing with mischief.
His right forefinger traced the line of her jaw, that simple gesture sending tingles down her spine. With his hand under her chin he spoke of his intentions, his blue eyes full of barely bridled desire, “Oh, I trust your judgement completely when it comes to that… area. And I promise… I’ll make it worth your while….”
“Ooh… ” She kissed him without warning, the swift movements of her tongue inside his mouth leaving him warm inside and wanting more. “Of course you will….” she said when it was over.
“What are you talking about, Mommy?” asked Brady innocently, having overheard part of their conversation as he once again began to pick at his sundae.
John, whose breathing had quickened and whose temperature must have gone up a couple of degrees, looked slightly stricken and could only utter an embarrassed, “Uh…”
To which his wife responded with a sweet giggle, before answering for them, “Oh, Daddy and I are just…. teasing each other, sweetheart, that’s all.”
Brady was beaming, as he told them what it meant to him, “Well, I like it when you tease each other… cause you smile and you look happy then.”
Their hearts melted at the sound of it. Glancing at his love and affectionately rubbing his little boy’s cheek with his right hand, John replied this time, with a sudden passion for all of them, “Oh, so do I slugger, so do I…”
Belle chimed in next, her face aglow, “Me too… “
“Me three…” Marlena accented, feeling that special peace and contentment flow through her veins as the four of them essentially fell into a group hug. Finally, they were all headed in the same direction, united as a family, and she was basking in the love relationship that brought them all together in the first place.
When the kids got up to throw out the remains of their ice cream, their parents shared another kiss which held great promise of the ecstasy to follow later in the day. “I love you so much, Marlena…” John said softly, while nuzzling his wife’s neck. “I want to take you home and shower you with it.”
She began to weep as she told him how he was making her feel, her heart swelling with joy, “Oh, John…. I’m so happy… right now… in this moment, being here with you and children, feeling so close to you. Honey, I couldn’t ask for anything more than what you’re giving me.” John realized his eyes were becoming moist as he gazed at her with adoration, finding himself speechless for the power of the emotions he was feeling.
He nodded and drew her into the strength and tenderness of his arms, relishing the sensation of having her there. “I’m glad for that… but I’m gonna make love to you tonight, lady… slow and tender and romantic…. all I ever want to do is please you and keep you feeling just this way about us, about our love and our life together.”
It was almost more than she could bear, to look into his azure eyes and see how deeply and completely he loved her, ostensibly with every ounce of his soul. To think of leaving him struck terror in her heart. She tried to smile for him, but the fear took hold and her tears kept falling. “And all I want to do… is stay with you.”
In another second he was stroking her hair, and caressing her cheeks with infinite gentleness, sharing her sentiments, and wishing she didn’t ever have to worry about that. “Oh, baby…. I know… I know…. and we’re gonna do everything within our power… to make sure you do… But at the same time… we’re gonna make every moment count…. every single one of them, Doc.”
She was nodding, still weeping but without the fear, only the love. “Oh, yes we are, my love…. Let’s go home…. “
As they sat holding hands and staring at each other through lover’s eyes, they didn’t hear the initial calls of their children. Brady’s voice was rather loud and insistent when his words finally registered. “Mommy… Daddy… come on… let’s go home now… Belle’s getting real sleepy… look!”
John followed the tiny finger on his young son’s outstretched right hand and arm which pointed to a bench a few feet away from the table at which they were sitting. Belle was curled up on her side facing them, her eyes mostly shut.
Marlena smiled, thinking how angelic the children always seemed when they were sleeping. “Oh my…. I guess she is… and you look a little tired yourself, Brady.”
“Huh uh… not me,. I’m a big boy now !” said the little boy, shaking his head and puffing his chest out, while simultaneously stifling a yawn.
They only laughed and gathered him up. John said, “Okay big boy… let’s go get Belle and take her home.”
Marlena smiled and let her love for all of them shine from her hazel eyes, feeling that amazing sensation of peace and fulfillment soak all the way through to her bones as John’s right arm slipped over her shoulders.
Until The End Of Time
Leaning against the wall outside the kid’s bedrooms, John took a deep breath, held it briefly and then let it go, another round of answering his children’s questions having worn him out. ‘Oh, Doc… I hope I handled that right,’ he thought, recalling the trusting innocence shining forth in the eyes of his two little ones. He was putting them down for the night, and their queries came following the reading of three stories. Having caught snippets of grown up conversations, and sensing the strain their parents were under, Belle and Brady wanted to know more than they’d been told about the their Mother’s condition, the chemotherapy, and the baby.
“Daddy…. will the medicine Mommy has to take hurt the baby?”
“How come Mommy got so sick after she took that cancer medicine? Belle and me thought it was supposed to make her all better.”
“Will it hurt if she loses her hair? Is that why Mommy cries sometimes when she brushes it?”
“Daddy, will Mommy’s hair grow back just as pretty?”
Finally came the toughest one of all, the one he truly couldn’t answer. But first a hesitant statement, “One night…. Belle and me woke up… and we heard you crying, Daddy…. you were real sad and we heard you praying to God to save Mommy and the baby in her tummy. Are Mommy and our baby brother going to be okay, Daddy?”
Gathering his cherubs into his arms once more as he sat upon Belle’s bed, John spoke as honestly as he knew how to do without frightening them, “Oh, Slugger, Belle baby…you’re right…. there have been some nights when Daddy was really sad, cause I get pretty scared for your Momma sometimes. And that’s because I don’t know for sure that she and the baby will be okay. I wish I could tell you yes… that everything will be just fine, like in the story books we read, but I can’t do that. I *can* tell you that the doctors and the medicine are helping Mommy fight the cancer… and that we’re all going to do everything we can to take care of her, and give her the love and support she needs.” Thankfully, his answers seemed to satisfy them and they fell asleep shortly after he tucked them into their beds.
Still, it was exhausting and it rekindled his own concerns for her health, the potential negative side effects of the powerful drugs on both his wife and his unborn child, and the accompanying impact on her emotional state. And all of it in the space of twenty minutes time with their very inquisitive children. Feeling the fear rising to the surface yet again, threatening to overwhelm his ability to cope, John tilted his head skyward and turned to his Lord, “Oh God…. please help me get it together here… I promised her a night of romance..”
After several more deep breaths, all the while talking to himself about being positive, and concentrating on just loving her, John was ready to enter the master suite, where she was presumably soaking in a warm bubble bath. As he stepped inside, his voice was decidedly cheerful, “Hey, pretty lady… I hope you’re enjoying that bath because….”
He stopped talking when his eyes spied her slender form. Only she wasn’t in the tub, she was sitting at the vanity table, her upper body exposed and trembling slightly, and she was crying softly.
He raced to her side, placing his warm hands upon her shoulders, asking worriedly, “Doc… hey… baby, what’s wrong?”
Shaking her head, she said nothing and it frightened him all the more, “Honey… talk to me….are you sick… are you in pain? Is it the baby?”
The sound of her weeping pierced his heart like no other in existence. “Marlena…. please….”
The silence continued until at last she said something, sounding rather distant, “Oh… it’s just that…I was…. thinking about….the cancer.”
“Doc…. we’re gonna…”
That snapped her to attention somehow, and there was anger in her reply, “No…. stop it… please…. it’s in my body, John… MY body… not yours. I have cancer….I do, not you… “
While his hands were lightly rubbing up and down the length of her arms, he said, “Alright….I’ll quit the cheerleading…. if you’ll just talk to me…”
She closed her moist eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. At last when he knew he could endure the quiet no longer, she began to explain her current distress. Tracing the marks on her right breast from the lumpectomy, and then the one from the lymph node removal with her left forefinger, she looked up to meet her husband’s worried eyes in the mirror. “John… you said that these scars were hardly noticeable…and that they didn’t bother you at all. But what if… what if the cancer grows… and they have to….. do more surgery…. what if I lose……” That was as close to saying it as she could get before breaking down again, clutching at her chest and sobbing.
It didn’t make sense that she was suddenly confronting this concern… maybe it was a delayed reaction of some sort, or maybe one of her new friends at the Cancer Center had a recurrence. Whatever the reason, she was afraid and she needed his unconditional love and calming reassurance.
Without uttering a word, John folded her into his arms, carried her to the bed and held her while she cried. It was the first time in weeks and it lasted for a long while. Gently, he stroked her hair, caressed her bare skin, and rocked her until the storm of pent up emotion abated. When she was ready, he swiftly retrieved a handkerchief from the dresser. Tenderly, he wiped her tears with it, still not saying anything, instead giving her time and the comfort of his loving presence as well as the warmth and strength of his arms, for as long as she seemed to need them.
When he believed she was calm enough to listen, he turned so that he was facing her and spoke in quiet worshipful tones, his hands cupping her delicate face, his moist eyes meeting hers. “Marlena Evans-Black…. my amazing and wonderful wife… I want to tell you something, and I want you to believe it with all your heart.” She tried to smile for him, through a light mist. “I *love* you, with every part of my heart and soul, I love you. I love your face, I love your eyes, I love your lips, and I love your body… God knows how much I love your incredibly sexy body…. and that includes your breasts. But mostly, sweetheart, I love the person, the woman you are… “
He paused for a moment to gaze into her gold flecked eyes. She was still crying but she was listening, and he hoped accepting it as truth, especially what he was about to say.
Taking her slender hands in his, he continued, his voice crackling with the powerful feelings building up inside him, “Marlena, more than anything else in this world, I want you to stay with me…. to grow old with me. And if that means… living without one or even.. both of your.. beautiful breasts, honey… I’ll grieve with you… I’ll miss them…. but with every breath you take, I will thank God… and for every single moment that having them removed gives us. And I will… cherish those moments, because without you, Doc… my life means next to nothing.” He was breathless and weeping when he finished, but his gaze never wavered. “Does that answer your questions, honey?”
She was nodding her head, still crying but for different reasons. This man was so amazing, his love for her solid and unchanging. In a world filled with fear and uncertainty, it was the one thing she knew she could trust. “Oh, John… I just…. love you SO…” she said, throwing her arms around him, and hanging on tight to that love.
“And I’m blessed because you do, Marlena… so very blessed.” He cleared his throat and tried to nudge her to move on a little, “Now… if you’ll kindly allow me… I would *really* like the chance to put a smile on your gorgeous face. Is there the slightest possibility I might get that chance tonight?”
How could she resist him when he looked at her with such boundless love and adoration? “Oh, I think that might be arranged,” she said swiping at the remaining salty moisture with her outstretched fingertips.
His smile melted her heart. Tugging at the sheets and blankets so that he could cover her, John said, “Good, then you just climb under the covers here, and I’ll take care of the rest.”
Finally, there was a hint of a smile on her face as she responded to his attempts to lighten the mood, “Sounds like I’m getting the best end of this deal.”
“No, I don’t think so…. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, Marlena…. and I promise I won’t forget that, not ever again.”
‘No, Mr. Black… I think you’ve got that all wrong. I’m the lucky one,’ she was thinking as he scooted off the bed and disappeared before she could say it out loud. A few minutes later, she heard him scurrying around downstairs. What was he doing? At last, he returned, bringing with him a tray of food and drink: filled with gourmet cheeses and an assortment of crackers, non-alcoholic wine, grapes, and chocolates to top it off. She sighed at the sight of it. “John…. you’re so good to me, honey….”
He was beaming just to see her enjoying herself, “You ain’t seen nothing yet, lady….” he said as he set down the tray and then he disappeared again.
“Oh my…. what else will this evening bring, my love?” she called after him.
Just as quickly, he was back, standing in the doorway with his hands full. “Please just close your eyes for a minute, and you’ll see.”
She complied willingly, knowing he was trying to please her with surprises. Without turning to face him, she agreed, “Alright….. “
He was fiddling with something, it sounded like…. ‘Ah, the CD player… Oh, John… you sweet romantic fool.’
Standing across the room from her, his voice strong with passion, he said, “Marlena…. I want you to keep your eyes closed….. and listen carefully to this song. Whenever I hear it, I think of you… of us, and what you mean to me, how I feel about you, how I’ve always felt about you, even when we weren’t together.”
“Oh honey…. I feel the same way about you….” He moved her so, and the happy tears returned.
Instinctively, they moved closer to each other, Marlena sliding off the bed, John placing a silk robe over the exposed skin of her upper body to ward off the chill. He smiled as he realized that in a short while he would be removing it again, because their lovemaking would radiate all the heat she needed.
Without warning, his lips claimed hers, his tongue slipping effortlessly inside her sweet mouth and bringing her that special magic only he could stir within. Her heart quickened and she moaned with pleasure, even as she concentrated on taking his breath away.
“Oh, Doc… I love you so much, honey,” he said, when they drew out of their embrace for a moment or two, content to stare at each other, as the song spoke what was in their hearts.
His hands began to explore familiar but always magical places, touching her face, then her neck, moving to caress the tender softness of her breasts. She became enraptured as he gazed into liquid pools of amber, telling her without words that no matter what happened to mar her body, he would always want her, and he would love her until the end of time.
They swayed in time to the music, slowly twirling in a circle, but gradually edging toward the bed, as if their bodies knew it was where they belonged, so they could share themselves in the incomprehensible intimacy for which they were made.
Carefully, he lifted her off the ground and placed her on the bed so that she was lying on her back. Leaning over her, John began to love her in ways that made her ache with an ever increasing need to join with him. His hands caressed her belly, embracing the life contained within her womb. As his loving eyes peered into hers, he spoke softly of how he felt, “Marlena…. it’s like every word of this song was written for us, to describe the way we love… I treasure you and this baby…. this tiny boy inside your belly… you mean everything to me…. you and the children bring me joy every day of my life. I can only hope to give you the love and affection you deserve.”
“Oh… my love… you bring me SO much joy, so much love that sometimes I feel my heart will burst.”
If only he could freeze frame this moment, gazing at her amazing body… swell with his child, her silky golden hair draped so gracefully on the pillow, her delicate face flush with desire for only him, and her glistening hazel eyes now filled with the gentle tears of a lover. He smiled as the impact of her loving words and the incredible sight before him combined to motivate him only to please her in return.
And then he kissed her again, his tongue making magic inside her mouth as it swirled and flickered round hers, leaving her aching for more. Drawing back, smoldering smoky blue eyes looked at her with an expression that said, ‘I’m just getting started, so lie back and enjoy it, my precious lady love,’
She arched her neck and he responded as she hoped, lapping at the hollow with his tongue, the planting a trail of kisses from ear to ear, while his sculpted body leaned over her, so close and yet so far away.
Desperate hands tried to pull him closer, eliciting a low throaty laugh from her husband. “You like that, do you?
“Oh, honey…. there are no words…. for what you do to me…”
He took a moment to remove his shirt so that skin was touching skin when next he hovered over her…. “There… how’s that?”
“Better… but I need you to get closer,” she cried, tugging at his arms and back, her mouth capturing his in a powerful kiss, one that left him breathless.
She sucked on his lower lip and then snagged his tongue and did the same, which made him moan with pure desire, “Oh.. Doc… Oh, you’re making me crazy…”
“Me? I think you’ve got that backwards, my love….” she said, chuckling.
“I’ll show you crazy, lady…. ” he said, flashing her sexy grin before he made another trail of kisses from neck to navel. He blew on the moistened area and she swooned, writhing with the heated tingling sensations it stimulated. And then he kissed and nuzzled her breasts and she was lost in the anticipation of ecstasy, as he used his hands and his mouth to bring her higher and higher toward a mystical summit.
“Oh, yes… yes, you have… I need you… Oh, John how I need you…. “
“And I need you, Marlena, more than anything or anyone.” He took a moment or two to remove the last items of their clothing, her panties and his jeans and underwear the only hindrances to their shared physical elation.
At that, he carefully turned her onto her side to make their lovemaking more pleasurable for both of them. Lying down beside her, his chest to her back, he positioned himself carefully, and then in one swift motion they were joined at last. His hands continued to tenderly massage her breasts, her belly, her hips and her legs as their bodies moved together as one. When his right hand drifted toward her mouth, she captured a fingertip with her lips and took it inside where she sucked on it in sensual rhythmic fashion. He groaned as it fueled his nearly overwhelming need for her, “Oh… Marlena…. ” Pulsating waves of sheer ecstasy washed over them as they reached a mutual climax, leaving them sated and out of breath, their hearts beating in time and beginning to slow, while tears of bliss formed in their eyes.
Life Is a Study In Contrasts
The way they made love was pure magic, leaving them sated and relaxed, their bodies entwined as if they were specifically made to fit together. Marlena sighed contentedly, reveling in the fact that John was a masterful lover, and buried her head in the dip between his shoulder and his collar bone. He smiled and hugged her a little tighter. “That was so… nice,” she said in a dreamy sort of voice that made his heart melt.
After luxuriating in the companionable silence of the afterglow for several more minutes, John decided that he could not ignore his other needs any longer. His rumbling stomach needed sustenance. “So, Doc… you hungry?” he asked, inching his right arm out from under her body, and leaning over her.
“Oh, I think I might be persuaded to eat something….” she said, casting a quick glance at the food, and then back toward her naked husband.
He grinned and sat up in bed, rubbing his hands together. “Good, cause I’m starved.”
It made her chuckle to see the eagerness with which he was pursuing nourishment for his sexy body. “Oh, that *was* your stomach I was hearing. By all means, honey, eat something or you’ll be keeping both of us awake tonight.”
Just as they were settled back in bed, wearing their night clothes and indulging in the cheese, fruit, and sparkling grape juice John had brought up earlier, they heard the pitter patter of little feet scurrying down the hallway toward their bedroom. Cautiously, their children knocked on the door.
“Come in…” John called out softly, secretly pleased with their arrival. The timing couldn’t have been better if he’d planned it.
The door creaked open to reveal two pajama clad, sweet angel faced babies. “Umm… me and Belle….. we’re having nightmares….”
“Yea…. scarwy monsters…. can we sweep wiff you?” Belle asked, as innocently as a tiny human being who wanted something could manage.
It wasn’t a question. “Of course… climb in…. “
Scrambling up onto the bed, the dark haired, wide eyed cherub asked another question, “How come you’re still awake? You told Belle and me you were real tired and you were going to bed with Mommy. Did you have some bad dreams too?”
John gazed at Marlena briefly, enjoyed the satisfied smile he saw on her face and then turned back to his little boy, “Uh… actually sport, we were.. having some really *good* dreams and we wanted to share them with each other… that’s why we’re still awake.”
“Oh… ” he said with the innocence of youth.
Marlena only giggled and snuggled in close to both of her babies. It was a magical time, the four of them curled up in bed together. Or five of them, depending on how one looked upon the situation, she thought, patting her increasingly rounded tummy. Fleeting moments of joy meant to be treasured, for one never knew exactly what the next might hold. Marlena forced all thoughts of her fight for survival from her mind, in favor of the peace she felt at being nestled safely in the sheltering arms of the man she loved with all her heart and soul.
A few minutes later, they were all munching on fruit, cheese, and crackers. John was acting silly, making faces and playing with the food. The children laughed heartily in response to his goofy antics.
It made her so happy to see them enjoying themselves, Marlena thought her heart might burst. Moments like this, she decided, were what life on planet earth was all about, and she wasn’t going to miss even one of them.
At one point, John looked at her and knew that at last, she was beginning to feel truly hopeful. He had worked so hard at suppressing his fears in favor of making her life more enjoyable, filled with pleasant family times just like this. Finally, all of his efforts were paying off. They were united as a family again, engaged in a common fight, but planning to make the most out of every second granted to them by the God of the universe.
She was moved to tears, but flashed him a warm smile and then mouthed the words, ‘Thank you so much,’ just before he started another round of ‘who can make the funniest face’ with their adorable little boy and girl.
He smiled too, and said softly, as he leaned in to kiss her on the forehead, “You’re very welcome, pretty lady…I’d do anything to put a smile on that gorgeous face and keep it there for awhile.”
“I know…. and that’s one of the reasons I love you so….”
Before he could respond, the children were making some faces and needed his expertise in judging them. “Daddy, look at this!” Brady said excitedly, twisting his mouth in impossible ways. Belle chimed in too, pulling at her cheeks with tiny fingers and doing her best to scowl, “This is what my scawy monsters look like Daddy.”
“Oooh, save me.. save me!” John used his whole body in an exaggerated shudder and it made them giggle that much harder.
Their bellies full and their hearts content, the four of them slept soundly that night, better than they had in months.
Only a few days later, John awakened to the sounds of crying. He laid still in the bed for a minute, trying to figure out whether it was part of a dream or the real thing. When it registered that it was his wife who was weeping, he virtually jumped out of bed and raced toward the source of the noise.
She was in the bathroom. “Marlena, are you alright?” he called out through the door that separated them. No response at all. Fortunately, it was unlocked.
Taking a depth breath to settle himself, he opened it and stepped inside to find her sitting on the commode and looking down at the trash can with longing, as she divested her hair brush of its contents. Clumps of golden silk were everywhere: in the sink, all over the floor, in her lap.
He didn’t know what to say; he’d been hoping they wouldn’t have to face it, not just yet anyway. She looked at him with pleading eyes, tear filled hazel eyes that had shined so brightly only a day or so before. His heart breaking for her, but cognizant there were no words that could provide true comfort in this moment, John opted for holding her. Gently, he lifted her to her feet and took her in the strength of his loving arms.
She cried for several long minutes. When she finally found her voice, she spoke out of shock and disbelief, “I thought it was going to be okay, that it wasn’t going to happen to me.”
“I know… I was hoping too… I’m so sorry, Doc.”
After blowing her nose and wiping her eyes, she asked him a question, “Remember what you said? That you’d shave your head?”
He nodded instantly. The had to be no question about it. “Yep, I remember.”
“Did you mean it?”
“I’ll go out and do it today if you want me to.. I’ll do anything that makes you feel better, and helps you to know that you have my full support. Anything, Doc.”
She was nodding, thankful for such a loving spouse and crying at the same time, “Oh, John…. I kept telling myself that it wouldn’t happen to me… and that if it did, it wouldn’t make a difference.”
He finished her thought, his hands lightly cupping her still moist red cheeks, “But it does.”
She nodded and burst into a fresh round of tears. John reached out to hold her again, to give whatever comfort he could during what he knew was a very traumatic experience. He wrapped his strong arms around his trembling wife and waited for her to relax.
Finally, when she was calm enough to hear him, he said, “Even without your hair, you’re still the sexiest thing on a pair of legs.”
Slapping at his shoulder, she sniffled and pretended to be annoyed, “Oh, you… you’re such a… a… guy!”
He flashed her a grin and said, “Yea… a guy who loves his wife.”
Much to her surprise, she was smiling at him, and feeling better, “How did I ever get so lucky?”
He shook his head, pointed to himself, and said, “Told you, Doc.. I’m the lucky one.”
All she could do at first was nod her head and then she said quietly, “Oh… I just love you so…”
He hugged her tight for a moment or two, enjoying the fact that he could do any little thing to help her feel better. Then he drew back and tried to do more, “I know… now, do you want me to call Maggie and Laura, or do you want to do it?”
A puzzled expression appeared, her eyebrows scrunching up as she answered with a question of her own. “Why, what are you thinking?”
“Didn’t you tell me once, that when you talked about the possibility of losing your hair, they volunteered to go with you to help you find a wig?”
Her husband had been paying a lot better attention than she’d thought at the time. That meant more than words could ever say. “Oh, you’re right, they did. I’d almost forgotten. Wishful thinking I guess.”
“I know, Doc… it’s not easy. But you’ll get through it, and your hair will grow back.”
Her sigh embodied so much more than weariness and a sense of defeat. It was as if the wind had been taken out of her sails. She was so discouraged by this latest loss.
Putting his hands on her shoulders, he imparted a message he hoped she could take in, “Marlena, I love you, now and forever, no matter what. And you will always be sexy and attractive in my eyes. More importantly, you’re still the same caring, compassionate person you’ve always been to me. Nothing this illness does to you will ever change the way I feel about you. Okay?”
” Okay…” She nodded, a hint of a smile on her face. “And John, I’ll call my friends, but thank you for offering. I appreciate everything you’ve been doing to make life as pleasant and care free as it can be under the current circumstances. You’ve been wonderful.”
“And you, pretty lady, are a wonder to me, I love you so much. I’ll be here with the kids when you get back. And I’m going to talk to them about what’s happening… let me do that much.”
“It’s a deal. I think it’ll be easier if they hear it from you, because I’m still too upset about this.”
“Alright, I’m on it. He reached out and tipped her chin up so that their eyes met, saying, “Hang in there, Doc…. the worst is almost over.”
Looking down at the mess on the floor, she let another battle weary sigh escape. “Oh, I hope so, John. I surely do hope so.”
John followed her gaze. “Doc, don’t worry about this, I’ll get it cleaned up. You just take care of you. You’re what’s most important to me and don’t you ever forget that.”
“Thank you, honey… and I won’t forget, I promise.”
“Good, I’ll see you downstairs. I promised the kids I’d fix em silly pancakes this morning. This time it’s monster faces.”
Marlena felt herself smiling. “Now, *that* I have to see. Save me one, okay?”
“It’s a plan… see you in a few minutes, then?” He didn’t want her to be alone for very long. Sometimes having too much time to think wasn’t a good thing.
She didn’t say anything more, just nodded and tried to hide the tears that beckoned. Talking to herself all the while, she was saying, ‘Hair. It’s just hair…. no big deal, Marlena. Besides, John’s right, it’ll grow back…’
But it was also a powerful, highly visible symbol of her disease, one she’d been telling herself wouldn’t affect her, and one that made her face facts. She was no longer Doctor Marlena Evans, skilled and caring psychiatrist to those in emotional distress. She was one of them–she was a cancer patient who was struggling to cope with the fearful intensity of her experience.
“Oh, but it *is* a big deal. It’s my hair… and I didn’t want to lose it!” When her husband closed the door and left her alone, she sat back down and cried.
Concurrent Sessions
There it was up ahead, the floor to ceiling front windows illuminated in a way that made the pointed roofline stand out from amongst the other more ordinary looking buildings which surrounded it. The Victory Center–a place where patients and family members are always welcome. To sit, to talk, to share their fears, their tears, and their laughter.
‘Oh man… how did I ever let her talk me into this?’ John was thinking as she was once again, telling him how wonderful it was going to be to have other men to open up with about how he was feeling.
A short while later, he sat leaning on the arm of the brown leather couch in the waiting area, glancing at the other men milling around outside the designated group room. None of them were saying much of anything, except for the two or three who apparently already knew each other from previous meetings.
But the women were a different story. They were talking up a storm, some of them, Marlena included, already heading toward the designated room and beginning the supportive process well before the official start time for their group.
“Oh, Doc… I’m sure this will be great for you… but why did I ever let you convince me to come here?” John said quietly to himself again, not even realizing he’d spoken the last few words out loud. Feeling the urge to duck out and come back near the scheduled end of the session, he looked around to see if anyone would notice his absence.
He heard a friendly voice ask a question, “You too, huh?”
Startled, John looked up to see a brown haired, blue eyed man about his same age, maybe a few years younger, with a knowing expression on his face. “My wife dragged me here kicking and screaming the first time, and I’m not exaggerating. But, this is my fifth one tonight….”
“Really, so then it… helps?”
“Yea… it does… it’s the one place where I don’t feel like I have to put up a false front, pretending to be so strong and unaffected by the worst crisis of my married life. These are our wives we’re talking about, for God’s sake… and people expect us to carry the emotional load of that without being upset about it. It’s such a joke. This is one place you don’t have to cover up how you really feel.”
“Wow… you’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?”
“Yes, I guess I have… I’m sorry… didn’t mean to overwhelm you with all that.” He extended his right hand and introduced himself, “My name is Kyle… Kyle Burton.”
Taking that hand and giving it a solid shake, he said, “John Black…and it’s okay. It’s nice to meet you, Kyle.. and thanks for telling me that. I’ll uh…try to keep an open mind tonight.”
“Good… that’s all it takes to start with, being open to the possibilities.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even dressed in jeans and an oversized sweatshirt, her obviously bald head wrapped in a cheerful floral patterned scarf, Sarah Chapman instantly recognized Doctor Marlena Evans. The stunning woman was one you’d never forget, having seen her only once. But in Sarah’s case, the other woman had saved her life at one time. It was after the crib death of her only child, followed by a series of early second trimester miscarriages that Sarah pursued counseling. Or rather, her obstetrician, who was very concerned about the level of depression he observed, urged her to find someone who could help her work through the painful losses. Doctor Marlena Evans was at the top of his list of three names.
After their first session, during which Marena revealed that she too had lost a child to crib death, later named sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS. Sarah believed it was kismet. She’d seen the amazing woman weekly for four months, when she finally got pregnant again. Since that time, she’d had two children and life was good. That is, until the day she found a lump in her left breast. She called the psychiatrist’s office one day a few weeks back and was told Doctor Evans was on indefinite leave. Now she knew why. They were once again, fellow sufferers.
Quietly she approached the other woman, speaking softly, “Doctor Evans….”
Marlena turned, immediately recognized the face, hesitating only briefly on the name. “Sarah… is that you?”
“Yes, it’s me. It’s so good to see you, but I wish it wasn’t here.” She gestured her hand toward the sign.
“Me too…” Unconsciously, she reached her hand toward the scarf that covered her hairless head.
There was an awkward period of silence, Sarah sensing that Marlena Evans was not feeling very much like the psychiatrist in this particular instance. “I was diagnosed nine months ago,” Sarah offered by way of introducing the subject neither had yet mentioned directly. Then reaching toward her own, rather short hair, she said, “I lost mine too, it’s just starting to grow back.
“It’s been five months for me.”
“I really like your scarf.”
She smiled awkwardly and explained, “I just started chemotherapy a month ago. My hair came out last week.”
“How did you do with it?” Sarah probed gently.
“Sobbed like a baby…. but I’m better now. I guess I’m starting to get used to it.”
“Me too…. it was awful. I remember staring down at the floor in the bathroom and in the trash can. These huge piles of brown silk. It was so unreal to me–my hair falling out in clumps like that. I guess I didn’t believe it would happen to me, or something, and I was shocked.”
“So was I, and overwhelmed. I tried to tell myself it was no big deal and I was determined that I wouldn’t let it get to me…. but it did. It took my by surprise and I cried my eyes out for three straight days.”
Sarah laughed a laugh of commiseration and said, “Took me four and then I went out, bought a wig and some scarves for warmer days and that was that. I was fine with it after that. And now, I kind of like the short spiky look…” she said with an infectious smile as she brushed her fingertips over the one and a half inch strands.
“I like it too… so, are you ready for this?” Marlena said, gesturing toward the group room.
“Always. It really does help to talk it out with people who understand.”
“Funny, that’s what I always say…. now, I guess I find out if it’s true.” It was well beyond strange to be on the other side of the desk, figuratively speaking.
“It is, Marlena… I have it on good authority from this psychiatrist friend of mine. “
She laughed. “Oh, then it *must* be true!” Arm in arm, smiles on their faces, the two women went inside and sat down next to each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few minutes later, the men’s group was ready to begin as well. As he entered the group room, John noticed which seat the facilitator took and purposely chose the one in which he was least likely to make eye contact with the man. In some ways it was like being a kid in the classroom, trying to avoid being called upon by the teacher to answer a question for which he didn’t have a ready answer.
His move did not escape the notice of the facilitator, who recognized it for what it was and recalled that he had done the very same thing at his first group meeting two years earlier. He read the name on the sheet they’d given him earlier in the day and he recognized the face as well. This was John Black, prominent Salem businessman and husband to Doctor Marlena Evans, who had called in to register the couple and their children for group activities at the Victory Center. The name was familiar for another reason, but he just couldn’t place it. ‘Oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me sooner or later.’
“Okay everybody…. how about if we all take our seats and get started on introductions. I’m Bill Taylor and I’m the facilitator for this group, and all that means is I ask a question or two to get us started and to guide the discussion. Otherwise, I step out of the way and let things develop as they will. We have some new members tonight.. so let’s do our standard introduction. Please everyone, give us your name, the name of the person in your family who has breast cancer and a brief explanation of why you decided to come tonight. Now, if you’re not comfortable with it and you don’t want to tell us all of those things, if you could at least say your name, that would be very helpful. “
Bill gestured to his right and they were off. “Hello, I’m Jimmy Chapman…. and my wife Sarah… she was diagnosed with breast cancer nine months ago. The reason I’m here tonight is… well, I hate to say it, but she made me come–says I need to talk to somebody who understands how I’m feeling.”
There was a chorus of smiles and light laughter, and heads were nodding all around. Bill stopped the progress for just one moment, and put up his hand as he said, “Okay…let’s do a show of hands. How many of you are here because your wife dragged you here… because she threatened to stop cooking and cleaning, doing your laundry, or.. sharing the same bed if you didn’t show up here tonight?”
.
Every single hand in the room went up, followed immediately by another chorus of laughter. A louder one.
Bill was smiling too as he said quietly, “And they always say the males are the stronger sex. Okay…. that’s pretty consistent with most of the groups I’ve run here, and it’s true of me too. The first time I walked through those doors out there, I had the urge to turn around, jump in my truck and drive to the nearest bar where I could get drunk, rather than come in here and bare my soul with a bunch of strangers. Not following my impulse that first night was the best decision I’ve ever made… for myself, for my wife… for my marriage and for my children. Coming to this group definitely saved my family and it might have saved my life.”
John sat there taking it all in. Here were a bunch of guys, some who seemed similar to him, others who weren’t as physically or emotionally strong on the surface, but they all shared a common bond. Their wives had cancer and they were fighting the toughest battle of their lives. They came because of their love for those women, because they trusted the judgement of those women, and because deep inside they knew that having a place to talk about their pain was vital to the survival of both partners in the marriage.
Finally, it came around to him and he was somehow caught off guard. “Uh, hi… I’m John Black… my wife Marlena… she was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She’s pregnant and undergoing chemotherapy in the last trimester, and she uh… she convinced me that coming here was a good idea.”
The man next to him spoke up, “John… I don’t mean to interrupt, but you look so familiar, and it’s not because I’ve seen your picture in the paper. I think I’ve seen you before at the hospital, I work in radiology. Oh, now I remember, you were married to Isabella Toscano, weren’t you?”
“Yes… yes I was. She uh…. she died several years ago of pancreatic cancer.”
“So you’re facing this for the second time. That must be very hard.”
He nodded lightly. “Yea…. it is… it’s umm… it’s been…pretty rough,” he replied, his head down, his voice almost a whisper.
Bill Taylor made it a point to talk to John later on, to give him an opportunity if he wanted to open up. It was clear the man was hurting terribly and that showing up for the group had taken a monumental effort. ‘Marlena Evans must be one amazing woman to have convinced him that coming here would help him.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Belle and Brady sat down on the floor like everyone else, holding hands, not quite sure what they were supposed to do. It was a little scary going to a strange place and sitting in a room with a bunch of other children whose lives were touched by sickness. Then the nice lady told them what the group was for and what was going to happen during the first session, and they felt much better.
They went around the room and said their names and the name of the person in their family who had cancer. Next, it was time to color a picture of their house and their family members.
“Brady, do you think I should draw Mommy with her hair, or with the wig?”
“I’m drawing her with a pretty scarf on her head. I think it’s beautiful.”
That sounded good to her. “Me too…. that’s just what I’m going to draw. And, I’m going to work real hard to make a good picture cause I want to see Mommy smile.”
Her brother nodded and said, “Yea, she doesn’t smile so much any more. I wish we could find a way to make her feel happy instead of sad.”
“Daddy says we do make her happy, Brady, just by hugging her and telling her how much we love her, and by doing nice things for her when she’s tired or feeling sick.”
“Oh, well that’s easy, we do that all the time. And I’m sure she’ll like our pictures too.”
Belle nodded her had, smiled sweetly, and went back to her drawing.
‘Maybe this group wasn’t such a bad idea after all,’ Brady thought as he watched his baby sister start in on her picture. His Daddy seemed kind of nervous when they were in the car, but now that they were all at the Victory Center, it wasn’t so bad as the silence and the look on his Dad’s face made Brady think it would be. Maybe Mommy was right and the sessions would help them all find a way to handle things better. And, maybe the medicines that made her hair fall out would make her well again, just like the doctors hoped they would. Suddenly, Brady knew exactly what he wanted to draw, a picture of when she was sick and a picture of when she was all better. That would be sure to make her smile.
Perplexed
It was early the morning following their trip to the Victory Center and
Marlena was attempting to get her husband to share his impressions of
the group he’d attended, as she had the night before, but he seemed on
edge and was being tight lipped about it. “John, come on honey, what’s
the big deal?” she asked as she reached into the refrigerator for the
pitcher of orange juice.
“Nothing, I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why?”
“I just don’t, okay?” he said, while pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“Alright, well at least tell me this, are you going back?” she asked him
as he turned and walked out toward the lake.
“Maybe, I’ll… think about it, Marlena… now, please let it alone.”
“Boy, you’re awfully touchy this morning.”
He sighed and dropped his head, realizing he’d hurt her. He turned and
took a step in her direction. “I’m sorry, I uh, I didn’t.. sleep well.”
“Apology accepted. And by the way, I noticed that, what was going on?
Bad dreams?” she said, rubbing his back for him.
“No, just restless I guess,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders, not
quite looking at her.
“Oh, well anyway, I thought it was great and I’m going every week. It’s
a terrific bunch of women and they were wonderful to me. They helped me
to believe that I really can beat this disease. It’s not going to run my
life or ruin my life. I’m taking charge of it right here and now, and
I’m going to win the fight, John.”
That resulted in a genuine if subdued smile. He crossed the remaining
distance between them and laid a gentle hand on her cheek, saying, “I’m
glad for you, Doc, I really am.” Here he’d been trying for weeks to get
her to feel truly hopeful about the future and just one two hour session
with a group of other cancer patients had given her that. It made him
feel like a failure at the same time as it pleased him. His own
experience in group left a myriad of conflicting sentiments swirling
inside him, thoughts he couldn’t have put into words if he’d tried.
She was too energized to notice the slight trace of a distant sadness in
his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two weeks later:
Two secretaries stood in the frame of the door to their boss’s office,
looking at him and wondering what could possibly be going through his
mind. “See, Sally, it’s like I told you, he’s been sitting there staring
out the window all morning. It was nice to see him come in for a change,
but he’s just not himself.”
“I wonder what’s going on, I mean maybe his wife took a turn for the
worse,” the other woman pondered.
“You think so? Then why would he come in at all?”
“I don’t know, to keep his mind off of it for awhile, maybe?” Joanne
offered.
Sally looked a little closer and noticed that the man was holding
something. “What’s that he’s got in his hands?”
“It looks like a picture frame,” her friend said, taking a step closer
to the man’s desk. “Yes, it’s the one he keeps in the bottom drawer, the
one of his first wife Isabella.”
“The one who died of cancer?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly, it dawned on Joanne what was going on. “Oh, I think I know
what’s bothering him. There was an article in the newspaper today, it
talked about the foundation she started, and how it’s helped so many
families affected by that awful disease. Saturday is the anniversary of
her death.”
“Oh, that makes sense… and I bet he’s wondering if his second wife
will share the same fate. Oh, the poor man… it must be terrifying to
be the one who can only stand back and wait to see what happens.”
The other woman nodded, feeling empathy for their suffering. “I bet
she’s scared too. I feel so bad for both of them. I wish there were more
we could do to let them know we care.”
“We’ll have to think about that and figure something out. They’re such
wonderful people and they really deserve better than this.”
The two women walked away discussing how they might lend their support
to the couple.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the same time, Brady and Belle were home playing quietly in the
playroom while their mother rested in the bedroom down the hall.
Brady decided it was about time to get things out in the open and
talking to his sister was the best place to start. “Belle, I got a
question.”
“What’s that, Brady?” Belle replied, looking up from the picture she was
drawing.
“Do you think Mommy is getting better ?”
The little curly headed blond nodded her head and said, “Yea, I think
- She seems happier now that we’ve been going to that place with the
nice lady.”
“I know and I like it too, cause we get to draw pictures and there’s
other kids whose Mom’s have cancer too. But I don’t think Daddy’s so
happy.”
“Yea, he’s kinda sad lately.”
“I know, that’s what I don’t understand. If Mommy is getting better and
she feels happier, shouldn’t that make Daddy feel happy too?”
His little sister only scrunched up her face and shrugged her tiny
shoulders, having wondered the exact same thing. It just didn’t make any
sense. She went back to her coloring and Brady, realizing there wasn’t
much he could do at the moment, started playing with some action
figures, making up stories of heroes and rescues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the second Saturday morning in a row, Marlena arose to see John
sitting alone out in the gazebo staring out at the lake, while the kids
ate their cereal in front of the television, unsupervised, which was
probably okay because they were mesmerized by the shows on public
television. But it bothered her nonetheless.
What was worse, John had suddenly stopped talking to her. For weeks
they’d been doing so well and he was so encouraging to her when she was
having a very difficult time of it. Now that they were going to the
groups, or she and the kids were, things had gone downhill fast. She was
getting better, feeling stronger than she had in several months, but
John wasn’t. He was hurting but he wouldn’t admit it. Instead of turning
to her, he was pulling away. It made no sense, and it wouldn’t unless he
opened up to her about what was going on inside his head.
The telephone rang, interrupting her pondering. She went to get it,
hoping it was one of John’s friends. Maybe Bo or Abe could reach him
when she couldn’t. “Hello,” she said pleasantly.
“Hi, Marlena.”
“Abe, I’m glad you called.”
“Why, Marlena, is something wrong?”
“Well, no, not really, it’s just that…” Suddenly she wasn’t sure how
much she should say and stopped mid-sentence.
Abe guessed. “Is it, John?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“Well, the reason I’m calling is that I’ve been concerned about him
lately.”
“You have?”
“Yes, he seems so….distant. Bo noticed it too.”
“So have I, I just don’t know what to do about it, Abe. I’ve tried
everything I can think of to get him to talk to me, but he just won’t.”
“Have you read the paper recently?”
“No, we’ve been pretty busy this last couple of weeks. Why?”
“Well, there was this series of articles about….” He paused, thinking
of how to phrase his comment to cause the least upset for the couple.
She glanced up the kitchen calendar, noting the date. “Oh, Abe… I
think I just figured it out.”
“You did?” he asked, very relieved not to have to be the one to raise
the issue.
“Isabella. Today is the anniversary of her death. The articles were
about her and her legacy, The Toscano Foundation, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. I was wondering if that might have anything to do with the funk
John is in.”
“Of course that’s it, Abe!” she said, excited to finally have hit on
something that made sense. ” I can’t believe I didn’t remember that.”
“Oh, right, it’s not like you’ve had anything important on your mind
lately,” Abe said to tease her into recognizing that she had nothing to
feel bad about in focusing on her health.
“Okay, I get your point and I thank you. “
“Alright well, take care, Marlena. And if he won’t talk to you right
now, just hang in there with him, he’ll come around when he’s ready.”
“Hey, I think that’s my line, Abe Carver.”
“I know, sometimes we need to hear our own words come back to us,” he
offered pleasantly.
“You’re right, and you’ve just given me an idea. I’ll talk to you later,
Abe.”
After turning off the portable phone, she carried it with her when she
went to check on the children. They were fine. Having finished their
cereal, they were now watching some super hero type story. “Hi
kids…..”
“Hi Mom,” they both said, somewhat absently, still mesmerized.
“I can see it’s cartoon time around here,” she said with a chuckle. “I’m
going to go down and talk to your Daddy for a little while. Will you two
stay put right here, and then when we’re finished I’ll read some stories
to you?”
“Sure, Momma… that would be great!” Belle said with much enthusiasm.
Brady wasn’t looking at her, but his small blue eyes were no longer
focused on the television either. He was gazing out toward the water
where his father sat alone. He’d been doing that a lot lately. “Brady,
honey… .what’s the matter?” Marlena asked, bending down to his level.
“Nothing’s the matter with me. It’s Daddy….he seems kinda sad lately,
Mommy.”
She nodded and cast a quick glance toward the lake herself. “I know, and
that’s why I’m going to have a talk with him. Don’t you worry, Daddy is
alright, he just has a lot on his mind right now.”
“Okay, Mommy. We’ll be right here when you get back.”
She gave them each a kiss on the cheek and went outside and down the
wooden steps to the gazebo. She stood there behind him for a moment or
two, hoping he’d notice her presence and turn toward her. When he
didn’t, Marlena stepped closer and sat down next to him on the bench.
Again, she waited patiently for him to say something, but he didn’t.
“Good morning, John,” she finally said as pleasantly as possible.
Somewhat absently, he gave a flat one word response, “Morning.” He
didn’t look up.
“John, honey… what’s going on, it’s obvious you’ve been having a hard
time of it lately, why won’t you talk to me about it?”
He just shook his head sadly, as if that had been considered.
” I love you, John.”
“I love you too, Doc. More than you could ever know. ” Still there was
no eye contact, no smile, just words.
She placed her hands on his slightly slumped shoulders and implored him
to open up. “Then, let me in, John. I don’t understand this, you’ve been
so distant lately, closed off. Even your friends have noticed it, honey.
“
Again, he shook his head. After a long moment of silence, he rose from
the bench and stepped toward the railing, saying, “I can’t. I just
can’t.”
“Why, what is it that has you so unsettled? Was it something that
happened at the group session a few weeks ago, what?”
A heavy sigh escaped his lips and after a beat he added, “Doc, please..
let it alone, it’ll work itself out. It’s nothing for you to worry
about, I promise.”
She was about to protest further when she had the wind knocked out of
her. She groaned and John whirled around to face her, alarmed. “Doc,
what’s wrong, are you alright?” he asked, one hand on her head, another
moving toward her pregnant belly.
Strangely pleased by the alacrity of his reaction, his wife nodded and
said, “I’m fine, John, it’s just that our little kicker decided to
relieve me of my breath for a moment.”
“Oh, thank God, Doc, I thought..”
The sigh of relief was audible and the smile that followed as he put his
hand on her belly to check for further movement was a welcome surprise.
She hadn’t seen it in awhile. “You have a very nice smile, John, you
should use it more often.”
“Seems I might have heard that somewhere before,” he said, grinning this
time.
“It’s true you know,” she said, glad to see him snap out of his funk and
actually pay attention to her, or even the world around him.
“I know. And you know something else?”
“What?”
“You deserve better, the kids deserve better than I’ve been giving
lately. I’m sorry.” His voice was firm, his tone apologetic and his
hands on her shoulders were a welcome comfort.
“It’s okay, we’re all doing fine, but we’re all worried about how
you’re doing.”
“I just….
“John, there’s nothing you can’t say to me, nothing you can’t share.
Something is eating you up inside and you need to talk about it. Please,
John,” she said, cupping his unshaven face in her hands.
“Alright, but I’m going to warn you, it makes no sense at all.” He shook
his head to accent the point that he didn’t understand it himself.
“Try me, I’m pretty good at making connections between events and
feelings.”
She gestured for him to sit down again, but he chose to lean against the
railing instead and she joined him. “Okay, you asked for it. Alright,
it’s like this… I was sitting in that group and when it came around to
my turn to say who I was and all that, someone recognized me and started
talking about Isabella. He said something about how tough it must be to
have to go through it again. It threw me for a loop and all these….”
He stopped, his voice crackling with emotion.
Marlena reached for his hand, encouraging him to continue. “All these,
what, John.. it’s okay…”
“All these old feelings came rushing back, Doc… the anger, the
frustration of it, the helplessness of watching her suffer and not being
able to save her. It was all right there, Doc. All of it.”
“I’m so sorry, honey..”
He nodded and turned to look into her empathetic eyes, thankful for her
understanding. “And then… I don’t know… lately, I guess… well, the
truth is… I remembered one point early on when I let myself hope that
we’d find someone, some…thing that would save her life. I hung on to
that for a long time. “
“But you didn’t and she died.”
“Yea… and now…” He couldn’t finish it, couldn’t bear to put it on
her when she was finally feeling so good, so positive. It wasn’t fair,
he couldn’t bring her down that way.
Marlena finished the thought for him, “And now I’m sick too…. and
you’re afraid to let yourself hope.”
He nodded, a few renegade tears fighting their way down his rugged
cheeks. “Yea.. that’s it, I guess. And I’ve been feeling so *bad* about
- I mean, you’re feeling better now, the baby’s doing okay and you’ve
got your fighting spirit back. I should be right there with you,
thinking positive, but I’m not. What’s wrong with me, Doc?”
Tears sprang to her eyes as she looked into misty pools of blue. “Oh,
honey.. nothing, nothing is wrong with you. It’s understandable that you
would be going through this now, after having it come out in group like
that. I just wish you would have told me sooner.”
He sighed again, relieved and still a little guilty. “Oh, I thought I
was being stupid, I don’t know. I mean it was a long time ago, Doc.. and
your cancer is completely different from hers.”
“But the feelings aren’t, John… your feelings about watching it happen
to a woman that you love. Those are the same, John… and now that I’m
doing better, you let your guard down a bit and your true emotions have
surfaced. That’s all it is, honey… “
Amazed at her ability to help him see things for what they were, he
said, “You really think so… that it makes sense how I’m feeling?”
“I do, I really do, John… I’ve seen it many times before. One person
in the relationship is strong through the beginning part of a crisis and
the other one is free to let it hit them full force. When the one
becomes stronger again, the other begins to face the emotions they’d
been holding at bay. That’s what’s happening, and we’ll get through it,
just like we did before.”
He wrapped his arms around her, laying his head on her shoulder and
taking in the heavenly sent of her freshly washed hair. “God, I love
you, Doc…”
“I know you do, and that love is what gives me most of my strength. I
love you too, John, so very, very much. Now, we have a couple of worried
little munchkins up there. What do you say we gather them up and go do
something fun?” she asked, taking his hand and tugging on it a bit as
she took a step toward the staircase.
“Sounds like a plan, Doc. Sounds like a great plan!” he said, gladly
following her lead.
Good to Go
The surgical scar from the lumpectomy was long since healed, the
chemotherapy course was completed and everything was looking good thus
far for a full recovery. Even Marlena’s hair had begun to grow back. She
had what Brady thought was a really cool hairdo at the moment, short
little spikes of gold. John quickly lost count of how many times he’d
entered the bathroom to find their little boy attempting to “make his
hair stand up straight like Mom’s does.” When he shared the situation
with Marlena, she was able to laugh about it, a sure sign of true
healing.
All that was left was for the baby to arrive to complete the happy
ending to what could have been a horrible tragedy for the Black family.
The couple was ready to head out the door for one last procedure before
the due date, two weeks hence, when for the third time that same
afternoon, John Black asked his wife a question about what was about to
take place.
“Doc, are you absolutely sure there’s not something she isn’t telling
us, something she’s worried about?”
Slightly exasperated, Marlena let out a weary sigh. The mother hen was
back in full force as the due date approached. “One more ultrasound
before delivery, John, just to be sure, that’s what she said. It’s an
extra precaution, that’s all it is, honey. Everything is going to be all
right.”
“Okay, I hear ya. So sue me if I worry about you a little,” he said,
running his fingers through her hair and smiling on the memory of
Brady’s distressed response to learning that Marlena was going to let it
grow long again.
“John, you’re hovering again. Please try to remember that I’ve done this
before.”
“No I am not….hovering.” He stopped, realizing that he was currently in
the act of putting her scarf around her neck for her. He laughed as
their eyes met, ”Okay, so you’re right, I’m hovering. Sorry, I’ll uh,
just get my coat now,” he said, slinking away toward the closet.
She had to laugh about it too. “Thank you for putting my scarf on for
me, John. That was very sweet of you, honey,” she teased.
“Okay, knock it off or there’ll be no more breakfast in bed for you!” he
said, wagging a finger at her.
“We better not start playing that game, Johnny boy, I hold the ultimate
power.”
“Yes, ultimate power,” he said, imitating Yoda from Star Wars. Then he
swooped in for a stirring kiss that took her breath away.
She sighed and looked into pools of brilliant blue. She wanted to supply
another witty retort, but found herself speechless, mesmerized by the
love shining through his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sarah Bader was pleased to report her findings to the understandably
anxious couple.
Well, the baby looks just fine to me, but why don’t you take a look for
yourselves?” she said, moving out of the way so that the screen was
easily visible.
“A boy, it’s a boy?” John blurted out.
Sarah cringed, realizing she’s spoiled the surprise. “Oh, I’m sorry, he
must have moved. I was trying to have you look when you wouldn’t be able
to tell, like you had asked.
“That’s okay, Sarah…” Marlena said, while casting a quick glance at her
husband, who was clearly captivated by what appeared on the screen in
front of him.
“It’s a boy, we’re having a baby boy,” John said again, still sounding a
little dazed.
Sarah had seen that ‘glazed over’ look a hundreds of times before and
smiled. It was nice to be sharing some good news with this couple in
particular. “Yes, you said that and yes it is true, John, you’re having
a boy.”
“A boy, Doc… look at him, we’re going to have a boy!” he exclaimed
pointing to the screen, his excitement building. John was absolutely
beaming and it made her feel happier than she ever remembered feeling in
her life.
Feeling grateful and ecstatic for both of them, Marlena simply took his
hand and said, “Oh, yes we are…”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later, lying comfortably next to each other in their bed,
both of them pretending to read, John said, “So, what do you want to
name him, Doc?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t really thought much about it, why, have you?”
she asked innocently, knowing full well he’d spent most of the time
since he learned that their unborn child was a boy, thinking about it.
“A little I guess.”
“So, what did you come up with?”
“Well, I haven’t thought of a good first name, but I guess I’d kind of
like him to have my name in there someplace.”
“So, you want John to be his middle name?”
“I do, I guess, is that okay with you?” he said, hesitating as if it was
a bad thing to ask.
“We could give him your name as a first name, you know?”
He shook his head firmly, “Nah, no more juniors. We both know how the
last one turned out.”
“This is hardly the same situation, honey.”
“I know, but that would be a bad reminder. Now, what do you think of
Robert John?”
She had to say the full name. “Robert John Black. Hmm, I think I like
it.”
They laid there for awhile again, the silence lingering. Marlena smiled,
knowing that once again her husband would break it.
“Doc?”
“Yes, John…” she said, turning toward him with a warm smile.
“Are you happy?”
“About what, honey?”
“About the baby being a boy?”
“Of course I am, why do you ask ?”
“I’m really glad. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I wouldn’t want
another girl. It’s just.. well, this is the first time that… well.”
“The first time we’ve had a baby together in marriage.”
Not having wanted to offend her in any way or stir up bad memories, John
sighed, relieved she had put his thoughts into words. “Yea, I mean, when
Isabella was pregnant with Brady we weren’t married yet and there was so
much turmoil. Then when you got pregnant with Belle, I couldn’t… we
weren’t…”
Rather than finish what she knew was his thought, she simply smiled
again and gently caressed his cheek as he took time to formulate his
thoughts.
He put his arms around her, holding her so that she was leaning back
against him. “Well, anyway, this is exactly how I pictured it. Lying in
bed with my wife looking at baby name books, feeling the baby kick. I’m
just so glad to have the chance to go through it with you. I swear,
Marlena, I know I’m the luckiest man in the world. I’m having a son with
the woman I love and it’s really special. I didn’t know if… if I would
get another chance to get it right, Doc, and I’m really sorry for all
the pressure I put on you before. You were right and I was *so* wrong
about it all. I never should have.. “
She separated herself from him slightly and reached up to put her right
forefinger to his lips, hushing him. “No, John… don’t do that anymore,
it’s all in the past. We’re both lucky. I’m lucky to have a man who
loves me so deeply, that he’s willing to sacrifice something he wanted
very badly in order to save me. “I love you so…”
“Ditto,” he said, snuggling up to her and holding her close to his body
again, relishing in the fact that in just a few more days, he was going
to be a proud papa again.
Late into the night, things grew quiet again. This time it was Marlena
who broke the silence. “John, honey…I think it’s time.”
“I know it’s really late, it’s time to get some sleep,” John said, not
quite stifling a yawn. “I’m really sorry for keeping you up, Doc, I’m
just excited, he said, reaching for the light switch.
She took hold of his wrist, stopping him from turning the light off.
“No, John, it’s not time to go to sleep. It’s time, John,” she said,
emphasizing the word time.
He sat bolt upright in the bed. It’s time? Oh, it’s time! You mean, it’s
time for the baby?”
The expression on her husband’s face was priceless and she wished she’d
had a camera in her hands to capture it. “Yes, John, I’ve been having
contractions for awhile and they’re about five minutes apart now.”
“Five minutes apart! Oh, my gosh, why didn’t you say something, I could
have, I would have…”
“What, John, what could you have done?”
“Timed them with you, helped you remember to breathe. I don’t know,
something!” he said excitedly.
“John, I’m fine and we’re ready. The kids are with Sean and Carolyn, my
overnight bag is packed and sitting by the front door. All we have to do
now is get in the car and go.”
“How can you be so calm, Marlena?”
“You forget, I’ve done this quite a few times now, I know what to
expect,” she said, climbing out of bed and reaching for the jacket to
the loungewear she was wearing.
“Huh, yea… guess you do. So, I’ll uh, just get dressed and go down and
bring the Jeep around to the entrance. Can you make it down there or do
you want me to come back up and get you?” He was pulling on his jeans
and slipping his bare feet into his cowboy boots as he was talking to
her.
“I’ll be fine, John. And honey, try to relax just a little for me.”
“Sure, Doc, sure, I’ll relax. As soon as the baby is born and you’re
resting comfortably none the worse for wear. Okay?” He leaned in to kiss
her lightly on the cheek and then bolted for the bedroom door at
breakneck speed.
“Oh, boy, this is going to be one long night,” she said to herself as he
was heard practically leaping down the stairs. “John be…” A loud thump
interrupted her, followed by the sound of a man groaning. “Careful…” she
said under her breath as she went to the top of the stairs to see what
had happened. “John are you…”
She looked down and he was rubbing his rear end. Peering up at her, and
his handsome face, flushing, beheld a sheepish grin. “I uh.. guess I
took the stairs a little too fast. I’m fine, just a little sore is all.”
It was all she could do to contain her laughter. “Honey… please, take it
easy. I need you by my side tonight, not lying on your backside in a
hospital bed. Okay?”
“Uh, yea.. I’ll uh…just… go get the Jeep now,” he replied, his face
still a soft shade of pink.
“Oh, John…” she sighed, shaking her head. He was so adorable when he
allowed his boyish excitement to flourish. After the dark period they’d
just been through it was wonderful to see him so giddy with
anticipation.
Four hours later, they were in the delivery room, with Marlena well into
serious labor and wearing down. “John, I can’t do this anymore… I’m so
tired…” she said, looking even more exhausted than she sounded.
“Yes, you can, honey… you’re so strong. You can do this… come on,
breathe for me,” John encouraged, looking up at the nurse and the fetal
monitor. Suddenly, at the same time as Marlena felt a contraction coming
on, and the nurse was admonishing her to get ready to push, John saw
something that couldn’t be good.
“Hey…look!” he said pointing to the monitor. At that exact moment, Sarah
Bader stepped into the room. The nurse, who had seen it a moment after
John did, pointed to the screen and the doctor nodded, a look of concern
instantly appearing on her face.
She turned her attention to the mother and spoke firmly, “Come on,
Marlena… let’s get this done… just a couple more pushes. We need to get
that baby out of there.”
“What’s wrong,” Marlena cried, realizing something was happening
Sarah tried to calm her patient, supporting her efforts by talking
positively, “You’re okay… just focus on breathing and push when we tell
you. It’s going to be alright.”
“John? Tell me what’s going on,” Marlena asked, nearly frantic with
worry.
John took her hand and looked to the experts to put his fears to words.
Finally, the doctor answered the anxious woman’s question. “Marlena, the
baby is showing some signs of distress. We can’t continue labor much
longer. If you can’t push him out in the next couple of contractions,
we’ll have to go to the OR and do a C-section.”
“Distress… what kind of distress?”
“His heart rate keeps spiking up when you push, and then…“ As she
started to say more, Marlena was hit with another fierce contraction and
screamed. John knew that the scream was out of fear for her baby more
than it was about the pain of labor.
“Oh, God!” she cried, feeling that something was going terribly wrong.
“Don’t let me lose this baby! Sarah, please don’t let me lose this
baby!”
John sought to reassure his wife and was going to hug her as best he
could when suddenly the bed was moving. “I’m sorry, we have to take the
baby now or we could lose them both!” Dr. Bader said, gesturing for him
to move aside. “Follow us if you want to, John but you’ll have to gown
up,” Sarah was talking to him over her shoulder as they rolled the bed
containing his wife and unborn son across the threshold of the room.
Stunned, John only stood there at first, his feet locked in place as he
tried to absorb the reality of the situation. An emergency C-section
wasn’t something they’d considered as a real possibility. Instinctively,
his fingers were interlocking in a familiar gesture and he cried out an
anguished prayer, “Oh, God… please don’t take them from me!” In another
second, he was pulling himself together and rushing along the corridor
toward the OR to be with his wife, as promised.
He didn’t notice the expressions of shock and worry on the faces of all
their friends and relatives who saw the bed whizzing past them as well.
But he heard someone cry out and turned for a moment to see his two
little children running toward him, “Daddy, what’s wrong with Mommy,
isn’t she going to have the baby?” they cried.
Carrie, who’d been entertaining the munchkins, rushed forward to provide
assistance as necessary, along with moral support. The man she loved
like a father hugged his small children but made no attempt to answer
their anxious queries. The look on his face was one she’d only seen a
few times before and had been praying never to see again. It was pure
unadulterated fear of losing the person he held most dear that she saw
in his dim and weary eyes. Carrie took his hands in hers and implored
him to have faith, “John… she’s going to be okay and so will the baby…
you have to believe that. Now, I’ll explain things to Belle and Brady.
You just go…be with them.”
All that John could do was nod, swallowing hard as a few tears sprang
from his eyes. Without a word, he turned and raced toward the operating
room where his wife and unborn son were waging a battle for their lives.
Though it would go unspoken, Carrie and everyone who sat in the waiting
area was well aware that whatever happened in that room would seal
John’s fate as well.
The Greatest Gift of All
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love away
I can’t find the words to say
And I’m thankful every day
For the Gift…..
John stopped to calm himself before entering the OR, in gown, mask, and
gloves. It was hard to take, this unexpected crisis at the end of an
already difficult pregnancy, and he needed a moment and a deep breath or
two to regain his focus. Marlena couldn’t be allowed to read his fear.
He had to be the strong loving presence she needed him to be, not the
worried husband and father to be who was frightened out of his mind that
he was going to lose both mother and child.
The instant he stepped into the room, John was glad he’d taken that
time, because his wife was reaching for his hand, crying out for him,
“Oh, John… I’m so scared!”
He sounded much calmer than he felt and he silently thanked his Lord for
the soothing tones he heard coming from his mouth, “It’s going to be
okay, Doc… I’m here… I’m going to be right here by your side… all the
way.”
“I love you… I love you so much,” she cried, squeezing his hand a little
tighter.
“And I love you, pretty lady… now let’s see about bringing that little
boy out here and sharing some of that love.”
“Oh, I can’t wait, honey…. I just hope…”
He leaned over her, making eye contact and hushed her with a fingertip
to her trembling lips, “Shh, Marlena… everything’s going to be fine. Dr.
Bader’s here and she’s not going to let anything happen to either of
you.”
John glanced up at the physician as he spoke, but the look in her eyes
told him he shouldn’t be making promises neither of them could keep. He
pressed her to agree anyway, “Isn’t that right, Doctor?”
Acting in the best interests of her patient, Sarah Bader complied, “Of
course it is, Marlena…. we’re going to deliver a healthy baby boy and
you’re going to be just fine. All you need to do is try to relax a
little while we do all the work this time.”
Marlena was shivering, not sure whether it was due to the cool
temperature in the room or rooted in the fear that John and Sarah were
making false assurances. “Alright, I’ll try… “ Marlena squeezed John’s
hand again, hoping to absorb some of his strength.
Running his hand up and down her left arm, he redirected her attention,
“It’s alright, Doc… think about how in a few minutes you’re going to be
holding our little guy in your arms… think about how good that’s going
to feel.”
He always knew just what she needed to hear. “Okay, okay, I can do
that,” she said, nodding her head and sounding slightly more positive.
As much as the surgical process fascinated him, John resisted the sudden
impulse to watch the doctor make the incision. He couldn’t risk being
one of those dads that passed out in the delivery room; Marlena needed
him too much. So, he contented himself with sitting next to his wife and
holding her hand while the team of doctors and nurses went to work on
bringing their baby into the world.
Before he knew it, John heard the baby crying and the Obstetrician was
asking him if he wanted to cut the cord. Everything that happened was in
slow motion after that. He stood up and did as suggested, cutting the
cord and then watching as the nurse took the newborn out of the room for
what seemed like eternity and yet took only a few minutes.
When the nurse brought the child back, he was clean and all wrapped up
in a blanket looking snug as a bug in a rug. She handed him to John who
then approached the gurney, saying, “Hey, Doc… look at him… look at our
boy… he’s…”
When John realized that his wife wasn’t saying anything, he peered down
at her and was immediately alarmed by her pallor. “Doc…. Hey… what’s
wrong? Marlena!“
Before he could think another thought or say anything else, he was being
ushered out of the room, hearing the doctor and anesthesiologist
talking. “She’s crashing, this is what I was afraid of!” Sarah said
worriedly.
“Dammit…she’s hemorrhaging… pressure’s dropping fast, “ was the last
thing John heard before the door shut with him on the outside, a rather
burly male nurse standing between him and the woman he loved.
“Mr. Black… I’m sorry, but you have to remain out here now. “ The man
shot a glance at the baby in his father’s arms and then said
apologetically, “We need to get your son back to the nursery now as
well, there are some tests to run… I’ll have him back in your arms as
soon as possible,” the nurse said as he gently extricated the baby from
John’s grasp.
Stunned beyond words, all John could do was nod his head in silent
acknowledgement. Shuffling slowly down the corridor, he made his way
back to the waiting area, where friends and family had gathered.
Again, Carrie saw him first, “Daddy… what is it? What’s wrong? Is it the
baby?”
He still couldn’t speak and he hoped his girl or someone else would ask
the right questions, so he could respond nonverbally. “John… son, is it
Marlena?” asked a worried Shawn Brady, Sr.
John nodded that time; that much he could do. “Is she alright…. did
something go wrong?” Carrie finally asked.
“She’s crashing… they said she’s crashing,” he said as if by rote
memory, as he faltered slightly in his step.
In another second, Shawn and his son Bo Brady were at John’s side,
guiding him toward a chair, thinking that if they didn’t, he might
collapse and take a hard fall on the tile flooring.
“John…what do you mean..” Caroline asked gently. “Can you explain?”
Finally, he seemed to be present with them and registering what was
being said. He blinked several times and then shook his head as if to
clear it. “I don’t know… something’s wrong…they made me leave… it must
be bad because they made me leave,” he said sadly, while leaning over to
rest his elbows on his knees and dropping his weary head into trembling
hands.
It was almost an hour before there was any news. Much later, John Black
would say that it was one of the longest hours he had ever lived
through. At the time, he was glad Belle and Brady had fallen asleep in
their mother’s office, because he didn’t have the energy it took to give
them what they needed.
Finally, someone called his name, “Mr. Black..”
John looked up, his tired eyes begging for good news. “I’m happy to
report that your wife is doing fine. We were a bit worried there for a
moment or two, but she’s stabilized and resting normally. She’ll
probably sleep for several more hours, so I suggest you get some…”
Before the physician could complete his sentence, John was practically
leaping out of the plastic chair and asking, “Can I see her, please… can
I….see her, just for a little while?” his voice tinged with the
agonizing fear that filled his heart and mind while he’d waited for a
report.
The doctor was going to say no, but changed his mind when he looked into
the other man’s face and saw a hint of the grief the man would have
suffered if his wife had died. “Of course you can, but only for a few
minutes. I understand that she’s been through quite an ordeal these past
few months and she really needs to rest.”
“Yea….yea, she has. Okay, just a few minutes.”
John started to run down the hall before realizing that he had no idea
where she was at the moment. “Uh…where do I go?” he asked, his face
sporting a sheepish grin as he turned back toward the gathering of
family and friends.
A smile crossing the man’s face, he started to answer, “The nurse will
show you….she’s… “ started the anesthesiologist, just as Sarah Bader
stepped into view.
“Sarah…. Please, tell me the truth… how is she?” John blurted out.
“She’s going to be fine. She had some bleeding and we had an episode
with her blood pressure, but she’s okay now… “
“Are you sure?”
“As sure as I can be, John… it was a rough moment, but it’s over… please
believe me.”
John nodded, but the expression on his face told her he still wasn’t
completely over the fact that vital information had been purposely kept
from him right after Marlena’s cancer was first diagnosed. He didn’t
fully trust that Dr. Bader would tell him the truth.
“John, look at me,” she said in a commanding tone.
He complied, trying to read her expression as she spoke to him. “I know
that you have reason to doubt me, but I’m telling you the truth, all of
- She had a difficult episode just now, where her blood pressure was
out of control, but we took care of it and she is okay…she’s been given
several units of blood, her pressure is stable and she’s going to be
just fine now, John. “
He let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and said,
“Alright, I believe you. Thank you, Sarah… for everything.”
He smiled and she returned the pleasant expression, “You’re welcome…
now, go see your wife before you fall over from exhaustion.”
“I’m on my way,” he said, looking to the nurse who held her silence. She
made a gesture and he followed after her in breathless anticipation of
seeing Marlena.
The others in the group heaved a collective sigh as the good news
settled over them all. Mother and child were doing well and, therefore,
so was the father.
‘Miracles do happen, if you’re willing to wait,’ thought Caroline Brady,
as she reached for the weathered but firm hand of the man she loved. She
noted other couples doing the same, being thankful for the love and
comfort of family and friends. “Thank you God,” she said out loud.
Following that expression, there was a chorus of thanksgiving uttered by
everyone else in the waiting area. This was truly a day to celebrate
one’s blessings.
What I’d give if I could keep…just this moment
If only time stood still…
She was in twilight sleep, that blissful state of being that was between
wakefulness and deep sleep, when she felt a soft brushing sensation on
her face. As it continued, Marlena found herself drifting toward full
awareness until finally her eyelids fluttered and she opened her eyes.
She was looking up into misty blue pools she knew so well.
“Hi there,” said the person connected to those soft eyes.
“Hi yourself. John, what were you doing?”
“Oh, just thanking God for small miracles.”
“Such as..”
“Such as you, us, Belle and Brady, the baby.”
But the colors fade away and the years will make us gray
But baby in my eyes you’ll still be beautiful……
“We are blessed, there’s no question about that. What else?” she said,
shifting slightly so that she was leaning on her right elbow.
“Well, I was just looking at you and thinking about how beautiful you
are.”
Her demeanor changed instantly as she turned away from him, reaching for
her scarf. “Oh, right, the woman with a fuzzy cue ball for a head. John,
please don’t..”
His hands stopped her progress, then gently tugged her in his direction
so that she was looking at him. Willing her to believe him, he spoke
fervently, “Marlena, listen to me, you *are* beautiful, always. Hair, no
hair, or those cool spikes you just sprouted, you’re the most gorgeous
creature on the planet and I love you.”
Marlena studied him for a few seconds, searching for signs of
insincerity, finding none. “You really mean that, don’t you?”
His gaze never wavered and his hands gently caressed her cheeks as he
spoke, “Yes I do. “
“I love you so…” she said, bursting into tears wrapping her arms
around him, speaking to him beyond words.
“And I love you, Doc, more than life itself, and I’m so glad that you
and our little boy, who’s sound a sleep by the way, are okay. You’ve
made me the happiest man on earth tonight.”
“And in a day or so, we’re going to celebrate our happiness with the
whole family. John, after everything we’ve been through this past year,
it truly is a miracle isn’t it?”
He drew back slightly to gaze meaningfully into the moist hazel eyes of
the woman he treasured. “Yes it is. It’s a gift, Marlena, the greatest
gift of all.”
All I want is to hold you forever
All I need is you more every day
You saved my heart from being broken apart
You gave your love away
And I’m thankful every day
For the gift…
The Jarlena Journal 